Wikiquote:Village pump

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== 'Wikidata item' link is moving. Find out where... ==

&lt;div lang=&quot;en&quot; dir=&quot;ltr&quot; class=&quot;mw-content-ltr&quot;&gt;&lt;i&gt;Apologies for cross-posting in English. Please consider translating this message.&lt;/i&gt;{{tracked|T66315}}

Hello everyone, a small change will soon be coming to the user-interface of your Wikimedia project.
The [[d:Q16222597|Wikidata item]] [[w:|sitelink]] currently found under the &lt;span style=&quot;color: #54595d;&quot;&gt;&lt;u&gt;''General''&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/span&gt; section of the '''Tools''' sidebar menu will move into the &lt;span style=&quot;color: #54595d;&quot;&gt;&lt;u&gt;''In Other Projects''&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/span&gt; section.

We would like the Wiki communities feedback so please let us know or ask questions on the   [[m:Talk:Wikidata_For_Wikimedia_Projects/Projects/Move_Wikidata_item_link|Discussion page]] before we enable the change which can take place October 4 2024, circa 15:00 UTC+2.
More information can be found on [[m:Wikidata_For_Wikimedia_Projects/Projects/Move_Wikidata_item_link|the project page]].&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;We welcome your feedback and questions.&lt;br&gt; [[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 18:57, 27 September 2024 (UTC)
&lt;/div&gt;
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== What happened to the categories on Wikipedia ==

I have to post this here instead of on the Wikipedia pump because my IP range is blocked for no reason when zi edit on my phone.
What happened to the categories at the bottom of articles on the mobile version of the site?  You finally added them, then they disappeared for a while, then they came back, then they disappeared for good and that was years ago. Please bring them back and keep them there, there is no reason to not have them there and it is extremely inconvenient [[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:8140:8A60:BD5C:A9F2:A0A4:B28B|2603:7080:8140:8A60:BD5C:A9F2:A0A4:B28B]] 20:04, 27 September 2024 (UTC)

== Invitation to Participate in Wiki Loves Ramadan Community Engagement Survey ==

Dear all,


We are excited to announce the upcoming [[m:Wiki Loves Ramadan|Wiki Loves Ramadan]] event, a global initiative aimed at celebrating Ramadan by enriching Wikipedia and its sister projects with content related to this significant time of year. As we plan to organize this event globally, your insights and experiences are crucial in shaping the best possible participation experience for the community.

To ensure that Wiki Loves Ramadan is engaging, inclusive, and impactful, we kindly invite you to participate in our community engagement survey. Your feedback will help us understand the needs of the community, set the event's focus, and guide our strategies for organizing this global event.

Survey link: https://forms.gle/f66MuzjcPpwzVymu5

Please take a few minutes to share your thoughts. Your input will make a difference!

Thank you for being a part of our journey to make Wiki Loves Ramadan a success.


Warm regards,

User:ZI Jony 03:19, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

Wiki Loves Ramadan Organizing Team
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== Recent repurposing of year pages ==

I recognize that year pages are held for placeholders, but I see some years being repurposed for a movie list (see [[1998]], [[1999]]). Are these changes OK, or should we revert them? [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:49, 13 October 2024 (UTC)

:Undone. This is silly: this site is not Wikipedia. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:51, 14 October 2024 (UTC)

== Preliminary results of the 2024 Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees elections ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
Hello all,

Thank you to everyone who participated in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024|2024 Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees election]]. Close to 6000 community members from more than 180 wiki projects have voted.

The following four candidates were the most voted:

# [[User:Kritzolina|Christel Steigenberger]]
# [[User:Nadzik|Maciej Artur Nadzikiewicz]]
# [[User:Victoria|Victoria Doronina]]
# [[User:Laurentius|Lorenzo Losa]]

While these candidates have been ranked through the vote, they still need to be appointed to the Board of Trustees. They need to pass a successful background check and meet the qualifications outlined in the Bylaws. New trustees will be appointed at the next Board meeting in December 2024.

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2024/Results|Learn more about the results on Meta-Wiki.]]

Best regards,

The Elections Committee and Board Selection Working Group

&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:MPossoupe_(WMF)|MPossoupe_(WMF)]] 08:26, 14 October 2024 (UTC)
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== FYI: #SheSaid 5th Edition Interviews: [#2 Ciell] ==

https://diff.wikimedia.org/2024/10/16/shesaid-5th-edition-interviews-2-ciell/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:34, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

:https://diff.wikimedia.org/2024/10/18/shesaid-5th-edition-interviews-3-bashir/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:42, 18 October 2024 (UTC)
::https://diff.wikimedia.org/2024/10/20/shesaid-5th-edition-interviews-4-adjovi-essenam-fumey/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:44, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

== Using profanity in conversations on Wikiquote and an official list of prohibited words ==

It's against the site rules to call another editor a slur, right? So can someone share a link to a page that states as much? Or is this not really a rule and more of a guideline, one of those things left at the discretion of the administrators. What about a misspelled version of a slur, like referring to other editors as naggers and acting surprised that someone would misconstrue your language to mean something else? Are the offenses that warrant blocks just the slurs for race, sexuality and nationality, what about the derogatory B, C and P words used for women? Can we call male editors the D word for men or is that also hate speech? Most profane words are also derogatory slurs, but not all of them; are we allowed to say the synonyms of Heck or Darn? [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 18:24, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

:We follow [[Wikipedia:No personal attacks]], which spells out some of what you are mentioning. There is no hard and fast list of acceptable words or phrases, but this page provides clarification on the topic. Do you have specific examples of such behavior (preferably with links) that you wish to have some assistance with? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:36, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Seeking volunteers to join several of the movement’s committees ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
Each year, typically from October through December, several of the movement’s committees seek new volunteers. 

Read more about the committees on their Meta-wiki pages:
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Affiliations_Committee|Affiliations Committee (AffCom)]]
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Ombuds_commission|Ombuds commission (OC)]]
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation/Legal/Community Resilience and Sustainability/Trust and Safety/Case Review Committee|Case Review Committee (CRC)]]

Applications for the committees open on 16 October 2024. Applications for the Affiliations Committee close on 18 November 2024, and applications for the Ombuds commission and the Case Review Committee close on 2 December 2024. Learn how to apply by [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation/Legal/Committee_appointments|visiting the appointment page on Meta-wiki]]. Post to the talk page or email [mailto:cst@wikimedia.org cst@wikimedia.org] with any questions you may have.

For the Committee Support team,
&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

-- [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 23:08, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
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== Automatic talk page archival ==

Hi all, is it possible to configure the automatic archival of old discussion threads (say after 3 months of inactivity) similarly to Wikipedia, and what's the best/recommended way of doing so? Sorry if this is a stupid question, but I've looked around and not found anything obvious. [[User:Gawaon|Gawaon]] ([[User talk:Gawaon|talk]]) 08:54, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:There are a few pages that are automatically archived by a bot, such as [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]]. Note the code at the beginning:
:&lt;code&gt;
:{{User:MABot/config
:|archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d
:|algo = old(10d)
:|counter = 15
:|maxarchivesize = 300K
:|minthreadsleft = 2
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:&lt;/code&gt;
:Which tells the bot when and how to archive that page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:16, 20 October 2024 (UTC)
::I see, thank you. [[User:Gawaon|Gawaon]] ([[User talk:Gawaon|talk]]) 17:12, 23 October 2024 (UTC)

== Untitled ==

what does john dewey say about critical thinking [[Special:Contributions/41.74.57.198|41.74.57.198]] 19:52, 20 October 2024 (UTC)
:Courtesy link: [[John Dewey]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:29, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== 'Wikidata item' link is moving, finally. ==

Hello everyone, I previously wrote on the 27th September to advise that the ''Wikidata item'' sitelink will change places in the sidebar menu, moving from the '''General''' section into the '''In Other Projects''' section. The scheduled rollout date of 04.10.2024 was delayed due to a necessary request for Mobile/MinervaNeue skin. I am happy to inform that the global rollout can now proceed and will occur later today, 22.10.2024 at 15:00 UTC-2. [[m:Talk:Wikidata_For_Wikimedia_Projects/Projects/Move_Wikidata_item_link|Please let us know]] if you notice any problems or bugs after this change. There should be no need for null-edits or purging cache for the changes to occur. Kind regards, -[[m:User:Danny Benjafield (WMDE)|Danny Benjafield (WMDE)]] 11:29, 22 October 2024 (UTC)
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== Final Reminder: Join us in Making Wiki Loves Ramadan Success ==

Dear all,

We’re thrilled to announce the Wiki Loves Ramadan event, a global initiative to celebrate Ramadan by enhancing Wikipedia and its sister projects with valuable content related to this special time of year. As we organize this event globally, we need your valuable input to make it a memorable experience for the community.

Last Call to Participate in Our Survey: To ensure that Wiki Loves Ramadan is inclusive and impactful, we kindly request you to complete our community engagement survey. Your feedback will shape the event’s focus and guide our organizing strategies to better meet community needs.

* Survey Link: [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSffN4prPtR5DRSq9nH-t1z8hG3jZFBbySrv32YoxV8KbTwxig/viewform?usp=sf_link Complete the Survey]
* Deadline: November 10, 2024
Please take a few minutes to share your thoughts. Your input will truly make a difference!

'''Volunteer Opportunity''': Join the Wiki Loves Ramadan Team! We’re seeking dedicated volunteers for key team roles essential to the success of this initiative. If you’re interested in volunteer roles, we invite you to apply.
* Application Link: [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfXiox_eEDH4yJ0gxVBgtL7jPe41TINAWYtpNp1JHSk8zhdgw/viewform?usp=sf_link Apply Here]
* Application Deadline: October 31, 2024
Explore Open Positions: For a detailed list of roles and their responsibilities, please refer to the position descriptions here: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oy0_tilC6kow5GGf6cEuFvdFpekcubCqJlaxkxh-jT4/ Position Descriptions]

Thank you for being part of this journey. We look forward to working together to make Wiki Loves Ramadan a success!


Warm regards,&lt;br&gt;
The Wiki Loves Ramadan Organizing Team 05:11, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
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== Android app for Wikiquote ==

Hi, is there an Android app for Wikiquote? How does it work? I have been advised that there is no infrastructure for push notifications for Android apps for sister wikis and I would be interested to know more. Related: [[:phab:T378545]]. Thanks! [[User:Gryllida|Gryllida]] ([[User talk:Gryllida|talk]]) 23:13, 29 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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      <text bytes="77514" sha1="0051esivwks2p8yqd8ww1617cl0z29j" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Linus Torvalds.jpeg|thumb|Do you pine for the days when men were men and wrote their own device drivers?]]
'''[[w:Linus Torvalds|Linus Benedict Torvalds]]''' (born [[28 December]] [[1969]]) is a Finnish-American [[Programming|computer programmer]], best known as the creator of the [[w:Linux|Linux]] [[w:Kernel (computer science)|kernel]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Linus Torvalds talking.jpeg|thumb|There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong.]]
[[File:Tux.svg|thumb|Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph &amp;hellip;]]
=== 1990s ===
==== 1991–94 ====
* I'm doing a (free) operating system (just a hobby, won't be big and professional like gnu) for 386(486) AT clones.
** {{cite web| archiveurl= http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&amp;selm=1991Aug25.205708.9541%40klaava.Helsinki.FI | archivedate = unknown | url = news:1991Aug25.205708.9541@klaava.Helsinki.FI | title= Post | work = news:comp.os.minix | publisher = Google Groups | date= 1991-08-25 | accessdate=2006-08-28| author =Torvalds, Linus}} This was the launch of Linux.

* Do you pine for the nice days of minix-1.1, when men were men and wrote their own device drivers?&lt;br/&gt;[…]&lt;br/&gt;I can (well, almost) hear you asking yourselves &quot;why?&quot;. Hurd will be out in a year (or two, or next month, who knows), and I've already got minix.
** {{citation| title= news:comp.os.minix | url = news:1991Oct5.054106.4647@klaava.Helsinki.FI | date= 1991-10-5 | last =Torvalds | first = Linus Benedict | publisher = Google Groups | contribution = Free minix-like kernel sources for 386-AT | archivedate = unknown | archiveurl = https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/comp.os.minix/4995SivOl9o/GwqLJlPSlCEJ}}, announcing Linux version 0.02. The [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] 0.0 was released in August 1996 and as of 2015, is still not complete.&lt;/p&gt;

* Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse for some of the brain-damages of [[w:Minix|Minix]].
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=1992Jan29.231426.20469%40klaava.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.minix newsgroup| date=1992-01-29| author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}} To [[Andrew Tanenbaum]] (author of [[w:Minix|Minix]]) during the [[w:Tanenbaum-Torvalds debate|Tanenbaum-Torvalds debate]].

* [[w:porting|Portability]] is for people who cannot write new programs.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=1992Jan29.231426.20469%40klaava.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.minix newsgroup| date=1992-01-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}} According to Torvalds, this was &quot;tongue in cheek&quot; (Ibid.)

* Well, with a subject like this, I'm afraid I'll have to reply. Apologies to minix-users who have heard enough about linux anyway. I'd like to be able to just &quot;ignore the bait&quot;, but &amp;hellip; time for some serious flamefesting!
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.minix/msg/9f3c7c165aacc83f?dmode=source| title=comp.os.minix: LINUX is obsolete| date=1992-01-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* Well, I probably won't get too good grades even without you: I had an argument (completely unrelated &amp;ndash; not even pertaining to OS's) with the person here at the university that teaches OS design. I wonder when I'll learn :)
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.minix/msg/ac1b04eb0e09c03e?dmode=source| title=comp.os.minix: LINUX is obsolete| date=1992-01-31| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* No. That's it. The cool name, that is. We worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able to say &quot;OS/2? Hah. I've got Linux. What a cool name&quot;. 386BSD made the mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too technical.
** {{cite web| url= http://groups.google.com/group/comp.unix.pc-clone.32bit/msg/80bb74847934edc7 | title= Post | work = comp.unix.pc-clone.32bit | publisher = Google Groups | date= 1993-03-16 | author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2011-02-19}}

==== 1995–99 ====
* When you say, &quot;I wrote a program that crashed [[w:Microsoft Windows|Windows]],&quot; people just stare at you blankly and say, &quot;Hey, I got those with the system, ''for free''.&quot;
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=3jju43%24gc8%40klaava.helsinki.fi| title=Post to comp.os.linux.development.apps newsgroup| date=1995-03-08| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* If you need more than 3 levels of indentation, you're screwed anyway, and should fix your program.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* You know you're brilliant, but maybe you'd like to understand what you did 2 weeks from now.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* An [[w:Infinite monkey theorem|infinite number of monkeys]] typing into [[w:GNU|GNU]] [[w:Emacs|emacs]] would never make a good program.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* It's a bird &amp;hellip; it's a plane &amp;hellip; no, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue. Doing new kernel versions in under 5 seconds flat &amp;hellip;
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/alpha/9509.1/0006.html| title=Announcement for Linux 1.3.27| date=1995-11-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* The main reason there are no [[w:Raw_device|raw devices]] [in Linux] is that I personally think that raw devices are a stupid idea.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9610.2/0030.html| title=Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 1996-10-17| publisher = IU | author= Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=cola-liw-834355743-12037-0%40liw.clinet.fi| title=Post | work = comp.os.linux.announce newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date= 1996-06-09| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* Only wimps use tape backup: ''real'' men just upload their important stuff on [[w:FTP|ftp]], and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9607.2/0292.html| title=Message| work = linux-kernel mailing list| date=1996-07-20| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2014-04-26}}

* If you still don't like it, that's OK: that's why I'm boss. I simply know better than you do.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=4sv02t%24j8g%40linux.cs.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.linux.advocacy newsgroup| date=1996-07-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &amp;hellip;the Linux philosophy is &quot;laugh in the face of danger&quot;. Oops. Wrong one. &quot;Do it yourself&quot;. That's it.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?&amp;selm=Pine.LNX.3.91.961016155929.27735D-100000%40linux.cs.Helsinki.FI| title=Post | work = linux.dev.kernel newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date=1996-10-16| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too ;-)
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/comp.os.linux.development.system/EG3iv5IcC3Y/6d_v3HZUZLYJ | title=Post | work = comp.os.linux.development.system newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date=1996-07-05| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2016-05-25}}

* Making Linux GPL'd was definitely the best thing I ever did.
** {{cite web| url = https://tech-insider.org/linux/research/1997/0920.html | title= The Pragmatist of Free Software: Linus Torvalds Interview| author = Yamagata, Hiroo | date = 1997‐11‐11 | accessdate=2019-05-06}}

* (In answer to the question: In the extreme case, if it was just you doing all the code, and the rest of the world quietly used it, would it make sense to give it away free? Unless you're particularly grateful for other free things you've got off the Net, would the answer be No?&quot;:) &lt;br /&gt;
:I don't necessarily think so. It might be true in certain niche areas, but almost any project will give a developer that &quot;feel good&quot; feeling when he has users and he feels he is doing something worthwhile. I really don't think you need all that much &quot;quid pro quo&quot; in programming - '''most of the good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.'''
:* {{cite web| url = http://firstmonday.org/ojs/index.php/fm/article/view/583/504 | title= First Monday Interview with Linus Torvalds: What motivates free software developers? | author = Rishab Aiyer Ghosh, interviewer | date = 1998‐03-02 | accessdate=2013-06-02}}

* &quot;Regression testing&quot;? What's that? If it compiles, it is good; if it boots up, it is perfect.
** {{cite web| url= http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9804.1/0149.html| title= Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 1998-04-08| publisher = IU | author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* If Microsoft ever does applications for Linux it means I've won.
** {{cite web |url=http://www.cnn.com/TECH/computing/9810/01/whylinux.idg/ |title=Why Intel and Netscape bought into Linux  |date=1998-10-01 |publisher=CNN.com |author=Needle, David |accessdate=2016-03-08}}

* My name is Linus Torvalds and I am your god.
** As quoted in: Young, Robert; Goldman Rohm, Wendy (1999), ''Under the Radar: How Red Hat Changed the Software Business – and Took Microsoft by Surprise'', p. 111
** Jokingly introducing himself at the 1998 Linux Expo in Durham, North Carolina

* I'd like to say that I knew this would happen, that it's all part of the plan for [[world domination]].
** {{cite book| title=Open Sources: Voices from the Open Source Revolution| chapter=The Linux Edge| chapterurl=http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/opensources/book/linus.html | accessdate=2006-08-28| ISBN = 1-56592-582-3| year=1999| publisher=O'Reilly &amp; Associates| author=DiBona, C}}

* I was thrown out of fourth grade because I couldn't write my own name, and it's been all downhill from there.
** {{cite web | url=https://www.yarchive.net/comp/linux/linus.html| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: Linus Torvalds on micro-kernals&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=1999-02-22 | accessdate=2024-04-21}}

=== 2000s ===
==== 2000–04 ====
* Note that nobody reads every post in linux-kernel. In fact, nobody who expects to have time left over to actually do any real kernel work will read even half. Except [[w:Alan Cox (computer programmer) | Alan Cox]], but he's actually not human, but about a thousand [[gnomes]] working in under-ground caves in Swansea. None of the individual gnomes read all the postings either, they just work together really well.
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/fa.linux.kernel/iQtWFALi4JA/eSzv64_tOvoJ| title=Post | work = Linux kernel mailing list| date= 2000-05-02| publisher = Google Groups | author= Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* Talk is cheap. Show me the code.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2000/8/25/132| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2000-08-25| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-08-28}}

* I'm a bastard. I have absolutely no clue why people can ever think otherwise. Yet they do. People think I'm a nice guy, and the fact is that I'm a scheming, conniving bastard who doesn't care for any hurt feelings or lost hours of work, if it just results in what I consider to be a better system. And I'm not just saying that. I'm really not a very nice person. I can say &quot;I don't care&quot; with a straight face, and really mean it.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2000/9/6/65| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2000-09-06| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-05-28}}

* To kind of explain what Linux is, you have to explain what an operating system is. And the thing about an operating system is that you're never ever supposed to see it. Because nobody really uses an operating system; people use programs on their computer. And the only mission in life of an operating system is to help those programs run. So an operating system never does anything on its own; it's only waiting for the programs to ask for certain resources, or ask for a certain file on the disk, or ask to connect to the outside world. And then the operating system steps in and tries to make it easy for people to write programs.
** Interview in ''[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0308808/ Revolution OS]'', documentary, 2001.

* In short: just say NO TO DRUGS, and maybe you won't end up like the [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] people.
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/mlist.linux.kernel/6Yj1ipr6nEc/dbhIEkhm4LgJ| title=Post to mlist.linux.kernel newsgroup| date=2001-10-04| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2016-05-01}}

* Hey, that's not a bug, that's a '''feature'''! You know what the most complex piece of engineering known to man in the whole solar system is? Guess what &amp;ndash; it's not Linux, it's not Solaris, and it's not your car. It's you. And me. And think about how you and me actually came about &amp;ndash; not through any complex design. Right. &quot;Sheer luck&quot;. Well, sheer luck, ''and'': &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; Free availability and ''crosspollination'' through sharing of &quot;source code&quot;, although biologists call it DNA. &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; A rather unforgiving user environment, that happily replaces bad versions of us with better working versions and thus culls the herd (biologists often call this &quot;survival of the fittest&quot;). &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; Massive undirected parallel development (&quot;trial and error&quot;).&lt;br&gt;I'm deadly serious: we humans have ''never'' been able to replicate something more complicated than what we ourselves are, yet natural selection did it without even thinking. Don't underestimate the power of survival of the fittest. And don't '''ever''' make the mistake that you can design something better than what you get from ruthless massively parallel trial-and-error with a feedback cycle. That's giving your intelligence ''much'' too much credit. Quite frankly, Sun is doomed. And it has nothing to do with their engineering practices or their coding style.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/52f04d4ab1121c9b| title=Coding style - a non-issue| date=2001-11-30| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-03-25}}

* Yeah. And as Linus once said: most numerical problems today in pure CPU cycles are actually 3D games. &amp;hellip; It's not &quot;incorrect&quot; to say that you want the result faster, even if that result doesn't match your theoretical models.
** {{cite web| url=http://gcc.gnu.org/ml/gcc/2001-07/msg02084.html| title=Message to GCC mailing list| date=2001-07-30| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-10-15}}
** Torvalds did not originate this quote. It is a reference from David Braben following the release of Elite, and is itself a rephrasing of a reference to relative worth of game coding.{{citation needed}}

* Once you realize that documentation should be laughed at, peed upon, put on fire, and just ridiculed in general, THEN, and only then, have you reached the level where you can safely read it and try to use it to actually implement a driver.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2001/1/12/24| title=Re: ide.2.4.1-p3.01112001.patch| date=2001-01-12| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2012-06-22}}

* I allege that [[w:SCO Group|SCO]] is full of it.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.eweek.com/c/a/Linux-and-Open-Source/Linux-Defended| title=Linux Defended| author=Galli, Peter| date=2003-06-23| accessdate=2008-03-01| publisher=eWeek}}

* Those that can, do. Those that can't, complain.
** {{cite web| url=http://kerneltrap.org/node/901| title=Post the Linux Kernel Mailing List| date=2003-09-23| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-06-26|archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/20050226095919/kerneltrap.org/node/901|archivedate=2005-02-26}}
** '''Note''': Torvalds [http://shlomif.livejournal.com/39215.html did not originate this quote], and there are earlier records for it. This is a variation on &quot;He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches,&quot; which is also attributed to [[George Bernard Shaw]].

* Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely unintentional side effect.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/28/magazine/the-way-we-live-now-9-28-03-questions-for-linus-torvalds-the-sharer.html|publisher=New York Times| date=2003-09-28| title=The Way We Live Now: Questions for Linus Torvalds}}

* Modern PCs are horrible. [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface | ACPI]] is a complete design disaster in every way. But we're kind of stuck with it. If any Intel people are listening to this and you had anything to do with ACPI, shoot yourself now, before you reproduce.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxjournal.com/article/7279| title=Linus &amp; the Lunatics, Part II| date=2003-11-25| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* They are smoking crack.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.eweek.com/c/a/Past-News/Torvalds-Slams-SCO/| title=Torvalds Slams SCO| date=2003-08-20| author=Galli, Peter| accessdate= 2008-03-01| publisher=eWeek}}
** Notes: said about [[w:SCO Group|SCO]].

* There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong.
** {{cite news| author=Kerstetter, Jim| url= http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/04_05/b3868110_mz063.htm| title= Linus Torvalds: SCO Is 'Just Too Wrong' | publisher=BusinessWeek Online| date=2004-02-02| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* The NIH syndrome ([[w:Not Invented Here|Not Invented Here]]) is a disease.
** {{cite news| url= http://news.com.com/Torvalds+A+Solaris+skeptic/2008-1082_3-5498799.html| title= Newsmaker: Torvalds: A Solaris skeptic| publisher= CNet| date = 2004-12-21| author=Shankland, Stephen| accessdate=2006-08-28|archiveurl=http://archive.is/EfHH|archivedate=2012-07-12}}

* Anybody who tells me I can't use a program because it's not open source, go suck on [[Richard Stallman|rms]]. I'm not interested. 99% of that I run tends to be open source, but that's ''my'' choice, dammit.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0410.3/1101.html| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2004-10-26| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* Nobody should start to undertake a large project. You start with a small ''trivial'' project, and you should never expect it to get large. If you do, you'll just overdesign and generally think it is more important than it likely is at that stage. Or worse, you might be scared away by the sheer size of the work you envision. So start small, and think about the details. Don't think about some big picture and fancy design. If it doesn't solve some fairly immediate need, it's almost certainly over-designed. And don't expect people to jump in and help you. That's not how these things work. You need to get something half-way ''useful'' first, and then others will say &quot;hey, that ''almost'' works for me&quot;, and they'll get involved in the project.
** {{cite web| url=http://web.archive.org/web/20050404020308/http://www.linuxtimes.net/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=145| title=Linux Times| date= 2004-10-25}}

===== ''Just for Fun'' (2001) =====
{{Main|Just for Fun}}

==== 2005 ====
* A lot of people still like Solaris, but I'm in active competition with them, and so I hope they die.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.crn.com/news/applications-os/59300278/torvalds-waiting-to-see-suns-open-solaris.htm| title=Torvalds: Waiting To See Sun's Open Solaris| date=2005-02-01| author=Rooney, Paula| publisher=CRN| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &lt;p&gt;2.6.&lt;odd&gt;: still a stable kernel, but accept bigger changes leading up to it (timeframe: a month or two).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;2.&lt;odd&gt;.x: aim for big changes that may destabilize the kernel for several releases (timeframe: a year or two)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;odd&gt;.x.x: Linus went crazy, broke absolutely ''everything'', and rewrote the kernel to be a microkernel using a special message-passing version of Visual Basic. (timeframe: &quot;we expect that he will be released from the mental institution in a decade or two&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/3/2/247| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2005-03-02| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-12-11}}

* Which mindset is right? Mine, of course. People who disagree with me are by definition crazy. (Until I change my mind, when they can suddenly become upstanding citizens. I'm flexible, and not black-and-white.)
** {{cite news| url=http://www.linux.com/articles/45571| title=Linus compares Linux and BSDs| publisher=NewsForge| date= 2005-06-13| author= Barr, Joe| accessdate = 2006-08-28}}

* Don't bother. Bram doesn't know what he's talking about.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.gelato.unsw.edu.au/archives/git/0504/2197.html| title=Linus vs. Bram Cohen| date=2005-04-27 |author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate = 2013-10-03}}

* It was ''such'' a relief to program in user mode for a change. Not having to care about the small stuff is wonderful.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/87| title=Message to Git mailing list| date=2005-04-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate =2006-08-28}}

* I chose 1000 originally partly as a way to make sure that people that assumed HZ was 100 would get a swift kick in the pants.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/7/8/263| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2005-07-08| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2007-05-28}}

* I'm always right. This time I'm just even more right than usual.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.mail-archive.com/linux-kernel@vger.kernel.org/msg83284.html| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2005-07-14| author = Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* The fact that [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface|ACPI]] was designed by a group of monkeys high on LSD, and is some of the worst designs in the industry obviously makes running it at ''any'' point pretty damn ugly.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0507.3/2331.html| title=Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 2005-07-31| publisher = IU | author= Torvalds, Linus | accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &lt;p&gt;I personally just encourage people to switch to KDE.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This &quot;users are idiots, and are confused by functionality&quot; mentality of Gnome is a disease. If you think your users are idiots, only idiots will use it. I don't use Gnome, because in striving to be simple, it has long since reached the point where it simply doesn't do what I need it to do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please, just tell people to use KDE.&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://mail.gnome.org/archives/usability/2005-December/msg00021.html| title=Message to usability@gnome.org mailing list| date=2005-12-12| accessdate =2006-08-28| author=Torvalds, Linus}}

==== 2006 ====
* For example, the GPLv2 in no way limits your use of the software. If you're a mad scientist, you can use GPLv2'd software for your evil plans to take over the world (&quot;Sharks with lasers on their heads!!&quot;), and the GPLv2 just says that you have to give source code back. And that's OK by me. I like sharks with lasers. I just want the mad scientists of the world to pay me back in kind. I made source code available to them, they have to make their changes to it available to me. After that, they can fry me with their shark-mounted lasers all they want.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.forbes.com/technology/2006/03/09/torvalds-linux-licensing-cz_dl_0309torvalds1.html| title=Linux Licensing| publisher=Forbes| date= 2006-03-09| author=Lyons, Daniel| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* I claim that Mach people (and apparently FreeBSD) are incompetent idiots.
** [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]], April 21, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/0aff8e90a185c176]

* &lt;p&gt;I like colorized diffs, but let's face it, those particular color choices will make most people decide to pick out their eyes with a fondue fork.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And that's not good. Digging in your eye-sockets with a fondue fork is strictly considered to be bad for your health, and seven out of nine optometrists are dead set against the practice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So in order to avoid a lot of blind git users, please apply this patch.&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/190241/| title=Message to Git mailing list| date=2006-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* …git actually has a simple design, with stable and reasonably well-documented data structures. In fact, I'm a huge proponent of designing your code around the data, rather than the other way around, and I think it's one of the reasons git has been fairly successful […] I will, in fact, claim that the difference between a bad programmer and a good one is whether he considers his code or his data structures more important. Bad programmers worry about the code. Good programmers worry about data structures and their relationships.
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/193245/| title=Message to Git mailing list| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-06-27| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* EFI is this other Intel brain-damage (the first one being [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface|ACPI]]).
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/7/25/23| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2006-07-24| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-05-28}}

* &amp;hellip; even if the [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] didn't depend on Linux code (and as far as I know, it does, but since I think they have their design heads firmly up their *sses anyway with that whole microkernel thing, I've never felt it was worth my time even looking at their code), I don't believe a religiously motivated development community can ever generate as good code except by pure chance.
** LKML, September 27, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/e4617294bbd1d0f1]

* I'm a huge believer in [[w:Evolution|evolution]] (not in the sense that &quot;it happened&quot; &amp;ndash; anybody who doesn't believe that is either uninformed or crazy, but in the sense &quot;the processes of evolution are really fundamental, and should probably be at least ''thought'' about in pretty much any context&quot;).
** LKML, September 28, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/892dc13a2f4c5483]

* [[Edsger W. Dijkstra|Dijkstra]] probably hates me.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxhq.com/kernel/v1.1/42/kernel/sched.c| title=Comment in Linux kernel 1.1.42's kernel/sched.c file| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* It's one of those rare &quot;perfect&quot; kernels. So if it doesn't happen to compile with your config (or it does compile, but then does unspeakable acts of perversion with your pet dachshund), you can rest easy knowing that it's all your own damn fault, and you should just fix your evil ways.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/11/29/249| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2006-11-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-12-11}}

* Gcc is crap.
** {{cite web| url=http://linux.derkeiler.com/Mailing-Lists/Kernel/2006-11/msg08325.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-11-28 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [PATCH] Don't compare unsigned variable for &lt;0 in sys_prctl()&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2010-09-20}}

* Friends don't let friends use [gcc] &quot;-W&quot;.
** {{cite web| url=http://linux.derkeiler.com/Mailing-Lists/Kernel/2006-11/msg08325.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-11-28 | title=&lt;nowiki&gt; Re:[PATCH] Don't compare unsigned variable for &lt;0 in sys_prctl()&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2010-09-20}}

* I think people can generally trust me, but they can trust me exactly because they know they don't ''have'' to.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/9/22/319| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2006-09-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2008-06-07}}

==== 2007 ====
* Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there's only one of me.
** {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XpnKHJAok8 | title = Tech Talk: Linus Torvalds on git | work = YouTube | publisher = Google | date=2007}}.

* If you have ever done any security work &amp;ndash; and it did not involve the concept of &quot;network of trust&quot; &amp;ndash; it wasn't security work, it was &amp;ndash; masturbation. I don't know what you were doing. But trust me, it's the only way you can do security, it's the only way you can do development.
** {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XpnKHJAok8 | title = Tech Talk: Linus Torvalds on git | work = YouTube | publisher = Google | at = 27min44| date=2007}}.

* So the whole &quot;We have a list and we're not telling you&quot; should tell you something. Don't you think that if Microsoft actually had some really foolproof patent, they'd just tell us and go, &quot;nyaah, nyaah, nyaah!&quot;?
** {{cite web| url= https://web.archive.org/web/20070520054734/http://www.pcw.co.uk/vnunet/news/2189971/torvalds-tells-microsoft-put | title=Torvalds tells Microsoft to put up or shut up| date=2007-05-16| author=Thomson, Iain| accessdate=2016-01-18}} Said about Microsoft's claim that the Linux kernel infringes upon 42 of their patents.

* You try to claim that the [[w:GNU General Public License#Version 3|GPLv3]] causes &quot;More developers&quot;, and that, my idiotic penpal, is just crazy talk that you made up.
** {{Citation | title = LKML | date = June 18, 2007 | url = http://groups.google.com/group/linux.kernel/msg/43013fe224f562e0}}.

* I don't ask for money. I don't ask for sexual favors. I don't ask for access to the hardware you design and sell. I just ask for the thing I gave you: source code that I can use myself.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/linux.kernel/msg/29b45885cc7b11b3| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2007-06-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-02-01}}

* Controlling a laser with Linux is crazy, but everyone in this room is crazy in his own way. So if you want to use Linux to control an industrial welding laser, I have no problem with your using &lt;tt&gt;PREEMPT_RT&lt;/tt&gt;.
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/396997/| title=Kernel development| date=2007| author =Torvalds, Linus}}.

* Is &quot;I hope you all die a painful death&quot; too strong?
** Linus to the hardware manufacturers that refuse to release the specifications of their hardware so they could operate with the Linux kernel.
**{{cite web |url=http://apcmag.com/7012/linus_torvalds_talks_about| title=Linus Torvalds talks future of Linux |date=2007-08-22 |author=Torvalds, Linus |accessdate=2007-08-22 |archivedate=2007-08-25 |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/1/apcmag.com/7012/linus_torvalds_talks_about}}

* [[C++]] is a horrible language. It's made more horrible by the fact that a lot of substandard programmers use it, to the point where it's much much easier to generate total and utter crap with it.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57918| title=Message to gmane.comp.version-control.git mailing list| date=2007-09-06| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-09-22}}

* [[C++]] is in that inconvenient spot where it doesn't help make things simple enough to be truly usable for prototyping or simple GUI programming, and yet isn't the lean system programming language that C is that actively encourages you to use simple and direct constructs.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57643| title=Message to gmane.comp.version-control.git mailing list| date=2007-09-07| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-09-22}}

* I'm an egotistical bastard, and I name all my projects after myself. First Linux, now git.
** 2007-06-14 

* Me, I just don't care about proprietary software. It's not &quot;evil&quot; or &quot;immoral,&quot; it just doesn't matter. I think that Open Source can do better, and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is by working on Open Source, but it's not a crusade &amp;ndash; it's just a superior way of working together and generating code.

:It's superior because it's a lot more fun and because it makes cooperation much easier (no silly NDA's or artificial barriers to innovation like in a proprietary setting), and I think Open Source is the right thing to do the same way I believe science is better than alchemy. Like science, Open Source allows people to build on a solid base of previous knowledge, without some silly hiding.

:But I don't think you need to think that alchemy is &quot;evil.&quot; It's just pointless because you can obviously never do as well in a closed environment as you can with open scientific methods.

:* {{cite web| url=http://www.informationweek.com/news/software/linux/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=198002077| title=The Torvalds Transcript: Why I 'Absolutely Love' GPL Version 2| date=2007-03-19| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* I have an ego the size of a small planet, but I'm not _always_ right [...].
** {{cite web| url= http://lwn.net/Articles/246381/ | title= Re: clarification on git, central repositories and commit access lists| date = 20 Aug 2007 | publisher = Linux Weekly News | work = kde-core-devel@kde.org | accessdate= 2007-12-28}}

* It has nothing to do with dinosaurs. Good taste doesn't go out of style
** (About the [[:w:C (programming language)|C programming language]], vs. [[C++]])
** {{cite web | url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57957 | title=Re: RFC Convert builin-mailinfo.c to use The Better String Library. | date=7 Sep 2007 | work=gmane.comp.version-control.git | accessdate=12 Sep 2012}}

* Yes, I realize that there's a lot of insane people out there. However, we generally don't do kernel design decisions based on them. But we can pat the insane users on the head and say &quot;we won't guarantee it works, but if you eat your prozac, and don't bother us, go do your stupid things&quot;.
** {{cite web | url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2007/9/18/302 | title=Re: [00/41] Large Blocksize Support V7 (adds memmap support) | date=18 Sep 2007}}
==== 2008 ====
* Your problem has nothing to do with [[w:Git (software)|git]], and everything to do with [[w:Emacs|emacs]]. And then you have the ''gall'' to talk about &quot;Unix design&quot; and not gumming programs together, when you yourself use the most gummed-up piece of absolute sh*t there is!
** {{cite web| url= http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/103400| title= Message | work = Git mailing list| date = 2008-12-17| publisher = Gmane | author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-18}}

* The fact is, there aren't just two sides to any issue, there's almost always a range of responses, and &quot;it depends&quot; is almost always the right answer in any big question.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2008/11/black-and-white.html| title=Linus' blog: Black and white| date=2008-11-02| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-11-02}}

* Real quality means making sure that people are proud of the code they write, that they're involved and taking it personally.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxfoundation.org/events/node/154| title= Interview with Linus Torvalds of The Linux Foundation| date=2008-09-15| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* Security people are often the black-and-white kind of people that I can't stand. I think the OpenBSD crowd is a bunch of masturbating monkeys, in that they make such a big deal about concentrating on security to the point where they pretty much admit that nothing else matters to them.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.linux.kernel/706950| title=Linux 2.6.25.10| date=2008-07-15| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-07-16}}

* It's what I call &quot;mental masturbation&quot;, when you engage is some pointless intellectual exercise that has no possible meaning.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.simple-talk.com/opinion/geek-of-the-week/linus-torvalds,-geek-of-the-week/| title=Linus Torvalds, Geek of the Week Interview| date=2008-07-17| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-07-17}}

* Sometimes &quot;&lt;tt&gt;pi = 3.14&lt;/tt&gt;&quot; is (a) infinitely faster than the &quot;correct&quot; answer and (b) the difference between the &quot;correct&quot; and the &quot;wrong&quot; answer is meaningless. And this is why I get upset when somebody dismisses performance issues based on &quot;correctness&quot;. The thing is, some specious value of &quot;correctness&quot; is often irrelevant because it doesn't matter. While performance almost ''always'' matters. And I absolutely ''detest'' the fact that people so often dismiss performance concerns so readily.
** Git mailing list, Fri, 8 Aug 2008

* I think [[w:Mac OS X v10.5|Leopard]] is a much better system [than Windows Vista] &amp;hellip; but OS X in some ways is actually worse than Windows to program for. Their file system is complete and utter crap, which is scary.
** {{cite news| title=linux.conf.au conference| url=http://www.theage.com.au/news/technology/torvalds-pans-apples-os-x/2008/02/05/1202090393959.html| date=2008-02-05}}

* And what's the Internet without the rick-roll?
** {{cite web| url=https://bugzilla.redhat.com/show_bug.cgi?id=439858| title= Redhat Bugzilla Bug 439858: swf mozilla plugin - no youtube| date=2008-03-31}}

==== 2009 ====
* Crying that it's an application bug is like crying over the speed of light: you should deal with ''reality'', not what you wish reality was.
* Theory and practice sometimes clash. And when that happens, theory loses. Every single time.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2009/3/25/632| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2009-03-25| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-03-25}}

* &lt;p&gt;The thing that has always disturbed me about &lt;tt&gt;O_DIRECT&lt;/tt&gt; is that the whole interface is just stupid, and was probably designed by a deranged monkey on some serious mind-controlling substances. [*]&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;[*] In other words, it's an Oracleism.&lt;/p&gt;
** Notes: from NOTES topic of {{cite web| url=http://linux.die.net/man/2/open| title=open(2) manpage| date=2009-04-13}}

* I may make jokes about Microsoft at times, but at the same time, I think the Microsoft hatred is a disease.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linux-mag.com/cache/7439/1.html| title=Microsoft Patches Linux; Linus Responds| date=2009-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-06-26}}

* There are &quot;extremists&quot; in the free software world, but that's one major reason why I don't call what I do &quot;free software&quot; any more. I don't want to be associated with the people for whom it's about exclusion and hatred.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linux-mag.com/id/7439| title=Microsoft Patches Linux; Linus Responds| date=2009-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-06-26}}

* Your code is shit.. your argument is shit.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0810.2/1735.html| title=In reply to: Ingo Molnar: &quot;&quot;Re: announce new tree: fix all build warnings, on all configs&quot;&quot;| date=2008-10-20| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0906.3/00429.html| title=In reply to: Andrew Morton: &quot;Re: upcoming kerneloops.org item: get_page_from_freelist&quot;| date=2009-6-24| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

=== 2010s ===
==== 2010 ====
* Standards are paper. I use paper to wipe my butt every day. That's how much that paper is worth.
** {{cite web| url= https://bugzilla.redhat.com/show_bug.cgi?id=638477#c129| title= Discussing a &quot;fix&quot; in the memcpy() that broke flash| date= 2010-11-30| work = Bugzilla | publisher = Red Hat | author = Torvalds, Linus}}

*Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I'm going to live forever.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2010/08/13744-supplied.html| title=Linus' blog: &quot;13744 supplied&quot;| date=2010-08-03| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-08-23}}

==== 2011 ====
* Toto, I don't think we're talking white-socks-and-sandals any more.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2011/02/pearls-before-swine.html|author=Torvalds|date=2011-03-01|title=pearls before swine|accessdate= 2011-03-01}}
**Torvalds contemplating his appearance at an Oscar Party.

* Why don't we write code that just works? Or absent a &quot;just works&quot; set of patches, why don't we revert to code that has years of testing? This kind of &quot;I broke things, so now I will jiggle things randomly until they unbreak&quot; is not acceptable. [...] Don't just make random changes. There really are only two acceptable models of development: &quot;think and analyze&quot; or &quot;years and years of testing on thousands of machines&quot;. Those two really do work.
** {{cite web| url=http://thread.gmane.org/gmane.linux.kernel/1126136| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2011-04-13 | title= Linux 2.6.39-rc3 | accessdate= 2011-04-21}}

==== 2012 ====
*We're not masturbating around with some research project. We never were. Even when Linux was young, the whole and only point was to make a *usable* system. It's why it's not some crazy drug-induced microkernel or other random crazy thing.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/3/8/495| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-03-08| accessdate=2012-09-11}}

* [In response to [http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/07/northeast_portland_man_who_str.html]] Good job. More public indecency, less TSA, that's what I say.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/1FSzP9J5Qm9| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-07-18| accessdate=2012-07-27}}

* Somebody is trying to kill all the kernel developers.

:First we had two earthquakes - fine, this week God not only hates republicans, but apparently us kernel developers too. But we kernel developers laugh in the face of danger, and a 5.5 earthquake just makes us whimper and hide in the closet for a while.

:But after we've stopped cowering in the closet, there's a knock on the door, and the conference organizers are handing out skate boards, with the innocent explanations of &quot;We're in San Diego, after all&quot;.

:If that's not a sign of somebody trying to kill us, I don't know what is. Handing out skate boards to a bunch of geeks sounds like a seriously misguided thing to do.
:* {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/K5sqXE3gB9o| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-08-26| accessdate=2012-08-27}}
* […] I really hate big laptops. I can't understand people who lug around 15&quot; (or 17&quot;!) monsters. The right weight for a laptop is 1kg, no more.
* Obsessing about things is important, and things really do matter, but if you can't let go of them, you'll end up crazy.
:*{{cite web| url=http://meta.slashdot.org/story/12/10/11/0030249/linus-torvalds-answers-your-questions| title=Linus Torvalds - Slashdot Interview| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-10-11| accessdate=2012-10-11}}

* WE DO NOT BREAK [[w:User space|USERSPACE]]!
:*{{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/12/23/75| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-12-23 |accessdate = 2012-12-29}}

* I'm not sentimental. Good riddance.
:*{{cite web| url=http://linux.slashdot.org/story/12/12/12/1414238/linux-nukes-386-support| title=Linux Nukes 386 Support - Slashdot| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-12-12 |accessdate = 2013-08-10}}

* Of course, I'd also suggest that whoever was the genius who thought it was a good idea to read things ONE F*CKING BYTE AT A TIME with system calls for each byte should be retroactively aborted. Who the f*ck does idiotic things like that? How did they not die as babies, considering that they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on?
:*{{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/7/6/495| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-06-06 |accessdate = 2014-10-06}}

* People say that you should not micro-optimize; but, if what you love is micro-optimization,  that's what you should do.
:*{{cite web |url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s |author=Linus Torvalds |date=2012-06-14 |title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center |accessdate= 2012-06-17}}
* I like offending people, because I think people who get offended ''should'' be offended.
:*{{cite web |url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s |author=Linus Torvalds |date=2012-06-14 |title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center |accessdate= 2012-06-17}}
* Nvidia has been the single worst company we've ever dealt with. So, Nvidia, fuck you!
:*{{cite web |url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s |author=Linus Torvalds |date=2012-06-14 |title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center |accessdate= 2012-06-17}}
* I wish everybody was as nice as I am.
:*{{cite web |url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s |author=Linus Torvalds |date=2012-06-14 |title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center |accessdate= 2012-06-17}}
* I started Linux as a desktop operating system. And it's the only area where Linux hasn't completely taken over. That just annoys the hell out of me.
:*{{cite web |url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s |author=Linus Torvalds |date=2012-06-14 |title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center |accessdate= 2012-06-17}}

==== 2013 ====
* I realize that lawyers are brought up (probably from small children) to think that &quot;technically true&quot; is what matters, but when you make public PR statements, they should be more than &quot;technically&quot; true. They should be honest. There's a big f*cking difference.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/u/0/102150693225130002912/posts/ggzfzKyrcRQ| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-01-17| accessdate=2013-01-20}}
* Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems.
** {{cite web| url=https://twitter.com/linus__torvalds/status/296333371393597440| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on Twitter&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-01-29| accessdate=2016-07-26}}
* But this is definitely another of those &quot;This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Al-biwan Ke-Viro, you're my only hope&quot; issues. Al? Please don't make me wear that golden bikini.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2013/3/7/529| title=Re: fasync_remove_entry oops| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-03-07| accessdate=2013-05-01}}
* I hope I won't end up having to hunt you all down and kill you in your sleep.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/hvnMn1fFKEm| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-04-05| accessdate=2013-04-05}}
* Whoever came up with &quot;hold the shift key for eight seconds to turn on 'your keyboard is buggered' mode&quot; should be shot.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/e4vnEUdB5kn| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-06-23| accessdate=2013-10-12}}
* There aren't enough swear-words in the English language, so now I'll have to call you perkeleen vittupää just to express my disgust and frustration with this crap.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.mail-archive.com/linux-kernel@vger.kernel.org/msg467322.html| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [GIT pull] x86 updates for 3.11&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-13| accessdate=2013-07-15}}
* That's the spirit. Greg has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me. Come to the dark side, Sarah. We have cookies.
** {{cite web| url=http://marc.info/?l=linux-kernel&amp;m=137390810310498&amp;w=2| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [ 00/19] 3.10.1-stable review&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-15| accessdate=2013-07-17}}
* Because if you want me to &quot;act professional&quot;, I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what &quot;acting professionally&quot; results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways.
** {{cite web| url=http://marc.info/?l=linux-kernel&amp;m=137392506516022&amp;w=2| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [ 00/19] 3.10.1-stable review&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-15| accessdate=2013-07-17}}

==== 2014 ====
* XML is crap. Really. There are no excuses. XML is nasty to parse for humans, and it's a disaster to parse even for computers. There's just no reason for that horrible crap to exist.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/X2XVf9Q7MfV| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+ (As a reply in the comments section)| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2014-03-06| accessdate=2014-03-07}}
* Lookie here, your compiler does some absolutely insane things with the spilling, including spilling a *constant*. For chrissake, that compiler shouldn't have been allowed to graduate from kindergarten. We're talking &quot;sloth that was dropped on the head as a baby&quot; level retardation levels here.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2014/7/24/584| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;LKML: Linus Torvalds: Re: Random panic in load_balance() with 3.16-rc&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2014-07-24| accessdate=2014-08-10}}
* I don't respect people unless I think they deserve the respect. There are people who think that respect is something that should be given, and I happen to be one of the people who is perfectly happy saying no; respect should be earned. And without being earned, you don't get it. It's really that simple.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Mg5_gxNXTo | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 14min35| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* One of the things, none of the distributions have ever done right is application packaging [...] making binaries for linux desktop applications is a major fucking pain in the ass.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PmHRSeA2c8&amp;t=5m58s | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 5min58| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* [GPL] version 3 was not a good &quot;here we give you version 2&quot; and then we try to sneak in this new rules and try force everyone to upgrade; that was the part I disliked. The FSF did really sneaky stuff, downright immoral in my opinion.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PmHRSeA2c8&amp;t=49m37s | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 49min37| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* I may be a huge computer nerd, but even so I don't think education should be about computers. Not as a subject, and not as a classroom resource either.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.itwire.com/business-it-news/open-source/65402-torvalds-says-he-has-no-strong-opinions-on-systemd| author=Sam Varghese| title=iTWire interview| date=2014-09-15| accessdate=2018-07-20}}

* On the internet nobody can hear you being subtle.
**  {{cite web| url=http://www.linux.com/news/featured-blogs/200-libby-clark/791788-linus-torvalds-best-quotes-from-linuxcon-europe-2014| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds' Best Quotes from LinuxCon Europe 2014&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author=Clark, Libby| date=2014-10-18| accessdate=2014-10-18}}

==== 2015 ====
* I don’t care about you.
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* &amp;quot;the most important part of open source is that people are allowed to do what they are good at&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;all that &lt;nowiki&gt;[diversity]&lt;/nowiki&gt; stuff is just details and not really important.&amp;quot;
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* I am a lazy person, which is why I like open source, for other people to do work for me.
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* Christ, people. Learn C, instead of just stringing random characters together until it compiles (with warnings).
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/9/3/428| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-09-03 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-09-30}}

* Get rid of it. And I don't *ever* want to see that shit again.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/10/28/215| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-10-28 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;[GIT] Networking&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-11-05}}

* We don't merge kernel code just because user space was written by a retarded monkey on crack.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/6/23/657| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-06-23 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-02-07}}

==== 2016 ====

* I've actually felt slightly uncomfortable at TED for the last two days, because there's a lot of vision going on, right? And I am not a visionary. I do not have a five-year plan. I'm an engineer. And I think it's really -- I mean -- I'm perfectly happy with all the people who are walking around and just staring at the clouds and looking at the stars and saying, &quot;I want to go there.&quot; But I'm looking at the ground, and I want to fix the pothole that's right in front of me before I fall in. This is the kind of person I am.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.ted.com/talks/linus_torvalds_the_mind_behind_linux/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-02-17 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds: The mind behind Linux&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-08}}

* I was 21 at the time, so I was young, but I had already programmed for half my life, basically. And every project before that had been completely personal and it was a revelation when people just started commenting, started giving feedback on your code. And even before they started giving code back, that was, I think, one of the big moments where I said, &quot;I love other people!&quot; Don't get me wrong -- I'm actually not a people person.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.ted.com/talks/linus_torvalds_the_mind_behind_linux/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-02-17 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds: The mind behind Linux&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-08}}

* The desktop hasn't really taken over the world like Linux has in many other areas, but just looking at my own use, my desktop looks so much better than I ever could have imagined. Despite the fact that I'm known for sometimes not being very polite to some of the desktop UI people, because I want to get my work done. Pretty is not my primary thing. I actually am very happy with the Linux desktop, and I started the project for my own needs, and my needs are very much fulfilled. That's why, to me, it's not a failure. I would obviously love for Linux to take over that world too, but it turns out it's a really hard area to enter. I'm still working on it. It's been 25 years. I can do this for another 25. I'll wear them down.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.cio.com/article/3053507/linux/linus-torvalds-still-wants-linux-to-take-over-the-desktop.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-04-07 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds still wants Linux to take over the desktop&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-07}}

* Lawsuits destroy community. They destroy trust. They would destroy all the goodwill we've built up over the years by being nice.[https://lists.linuxfoundation.org/pipermail/ksummit-discuss/2016-August/003580.html]
* The fact is, the people who have created open source and made it a success have been the developers doing work - and the companies that we could get involved by showing that we are not all insane crazy people like the FSF. The people who have *destroyed* projects have been lawyers that claimed to be out to &quot;save&quot; those projects.[https://lists.linuxfoundation.org/pipermail/ksummit-discuss/2016-August/003580.html]

* I've been personally pretty disappointed with [[w:ARM architecture family|ARM]] as a hardware platform, not as an instruction set, though I've had my issues there, too. [...] What I wanted to upgrade to was Acorn Archimedes ... the thing that gave [[w:ARM architecture family|ARM]] its name.
** {{cite web|url=https://www.computerworld.com/article/3129310/why-linux-pioneer-linus-torvalds-prefers-x86-over-arm.html|author=Torvalds, Linus|date=2016-10-07|title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Why Linux pioneer Linus Torvalds prefers x86 over ARM&lt;/nowiki&gt;|accessdate=2022-06-06}}

==== 2017 ====
* None of this &quot;there is no way to continue&quot; bullshit. Because it is pure and utter SHIT.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2017/7/25/1353| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2017-07-25 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2017-10-09 }}

==== 2018 ====

* BULLSHIT. Have you _looked_ at the patches you are talking about? You should have - several of them bear your name. [...] As it is, the patches are COMPLETE AND UTTER GARBAGE. [...] WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/1801.2/04628.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-01-21| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKML&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2018-01-22 }}

* It looks like the IT security world has hit a new low. If you work in security, and think you have some morals, I think you might want to add the tag-line &quot;No, really, I'm not a whore. Pinky promise&quot; to your business card. Because I thought the whole industry was corrupt before, but it's getting ridiculous. At what point will security people admit they have an attention-whoring problem? 
** {{cite web | url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/PeFp4zYWY46| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-03-13| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds - Google+&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2019-10-16| archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20180314121609/https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/PeFp4zYWY46| archivedate=2018-03-14 }}

* Can I just once again state my love for it and hope it gets merged soon? Maybe the code isn't perfect, but I've skimmed it, and compared to the horrors that are OpenVPN and IPSec, it's a work of art.
** {{cite web| url=https://lists.openwall.net/netdev/2018/08/02/124| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-08-02| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the netdev mailing list about wireguard&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2020-04-25 }}

* This is my reality.  I am not an emotionally empathetic kind of person and that probably doesn't come as a big surprise to anybody.  Least of all me.  The fact that I then misread people and don't realize (for years) how badly I've judged a situation and contributed to an unprofessional environment is not good. This week people in our community confronted me about my lifetime of not understanding emotions.  My flippant attacks in emails have been both unprofessional and uncalled for.  Especially at times when I made it personal.  In my quest for a better patch, this made sense to me. I know now this was not OK and I am truly sorry.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2018/9/16/167| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-09-16| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 4.19-rc4 released, an apology, and a maintainership note&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06 }}

==== 2021 ====

* You don't know what you are talking about, you don't know what mRNA is, and you're spreading idiotic lies. Maybe you do so unwittingly, because of bad education. Maybe you do so because you've talked to &quot;experts&quot; or watched youtube videos by charlatans that don't know what they are talking about. But dammit, regardless of where you have gotten your mis-information from, any Linux kernel discussion list isn't going to have your idiotic drivel pass uncontested from me. [...] Get vaccinated. Stop believing the anti-vax lies. And if you insist on believing in the crazy conspiracy theories, at least SHUT THE HELL UP about it on Linux kernel discussion lists.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wiB6FJknDC5PMfpkg4gZrbSuC3d391VyReM4Wb0+JYXXA@mail.gmail.com/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2021-06-10| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: Maintainers / Kernel Summit 2021 planning kick-off - Linus Torvalds&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

* I know most of us are preparing for Christmas, but give it a whirl, ok? How important are those presents (and that family) anyway?
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wgWuZPhK6dgXsS42iMz4o610Uw4QXeUsTSOQheNo1tf5A@mail.gmail.com/T/#u| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2021-12-19| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 5.16-rc6&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

==== 2022 ====

* Please, as you emerge from your holiday-induced food coma, do give it a quick test so that we can all be happy about the final release next weekend.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wg=3dEpPGhz8YvJUDWhFW_GUeASBGmqyw3aPQRfB3ki9w@mail.gmail.com/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2022-01-02| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 5.16-rc8&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

==== 2023 ====

* ...today, March 14th, is the 29th anniversary of the Linux 1.0 announcement. Of course, there are other arguably more important dates in Linux history, but this is ''one'' of them.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/ATcXm6Z9dVSQTt6QQi| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-15 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* I’m actually a horrible MIS person, and I would never want to maintain my own server. I’m a programmer for chrissake! The same way you should fear me if I hold a soldering iron, you should be very very nervous if I were to do any server management... and on a similar note: not only am I not much of a MIS person, I’m also not much of a social networking person. I foresee a lot of disappointment in the future of any followers of this account.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/ATgFYZ5pkt7KMLccMq| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-16 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* It’s Caturday. Minky is no longer with us, but this is probably my favorite [https://social.kernel.org/media/031107efa381cbb027c8e43e06794c23c9b5007dd3402a0b6696d92abfe84bf9.jpg picture of her].
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/ATl7pc2EbzN2VTjZj6| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-19 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* It’s Sunday, which means no more cat pictures, and instead just the usual -rc release. Prize for odd bug this week goes to an otherwise harmless off-by-one buglet that then in turn confused clang sufficiently to generate bogus code that our ‘objtool’ checks then (correctly) complained about it. This is the kind of exciting lives that us kernel developers lead.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/ATmkCz70y6uy9iV9we| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-20 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* Pet peeve of the day: all the people talking about how [[w:ChatGPT|ChatGPT]] is not “conscious” and how it does not “understand” what it is saying, but just putting likely-sounding words together into likely-sounding sentences. Extra bonus points for using an example of a math problem as a way to show how these AI chat-bots talk about things they don’t really understand. The irony. The lack of self-awareness. It burns.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/ATt0jKLALH8VTYKA52| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-23 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* Sometimes you have one of those days that just shows how incompetent you are... Moral of the day: RTFM.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/AU9XdYns3tqrbvy36m| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-03-31 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* I’ve maintained a branch of the old micro-emacs (''not'' GNU emacs) for decades. And by “maintained” I really mean “mostly kept working”. It’s a scrappy little editor from the eighties(!) and the “s” in scrappy is silent... Over the decades, I’ve “enhached” that thing to actually mostly understand UTF-8, and increased some internal limits, but it’s mostly the same thing that I used in the early nineties... I don’t love the fact that it’s a very limited text editor. I’d ''like'' syntax highlighting etc. But my fingers are absolutely hardcoded to it, and I am not in the least interested in something that makes me switch away from those (much less start using a ''mouse'' to move around etc). Which is just a very long way to say: “Does anybody know of some slightly more modern GUI editor that actually has good support for really changing keybindings”... And yes, I know one answer is “teach your fingers new ways”. But my micro-emacs works just fine, and so it really isn’t worth it to me... I’d rather maintain just a keybinding file than a whole scrappy editor... I’m not interested in yet another “runs in a terminal” editor, or some even older editor (ie “real” emacs, or vim) that just has had more lipstick applied over the years.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/AUNo662uNZAUIa4LcO| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-04-07 | accessdate=2023-04-12}}

* It's Easter Sunday, which means that we're all about to gorge on [[w:Mämmi|mämmi]] (Right? You *do* have your carton of mämmi ready to go, don't you?).
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wi=_UHtmSy-3jB0ZJ7sAPULLy4a86HP3DpYX-C3eu+wpg@mail.gmail.com/T/#u| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2023-04-09| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 6.3-rc6&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2023-04-11}}

* Life is good. We have a dishwasher again. Our old one broke (again!) and while I fixed it myself last time, I wasn’t willing to deal with a dishwasher that keeps breaking. I grew up washing dishes by hand, and I’d largely forgotten how much I hated it. Ten days without a working dishwasher is ten days too many.
** Last time it broke was last year when lead times for replacements were in the months due to supply chain issues. So I went through the whole “google it and figure out it’s the water inlet valve that needs replacing”. There’s certainly a satisfaction in fixing things (“look, I can do hardware too”), but when the circulation pump starts throwing errors, I’d rather just not have to deal with it again. Once is enough.
** There’s no pride in doing things that machines can do better. You say “convenience”, I say “I have better things to do in my life”
** I have solved the problem of ironing simply by not wearing suits. Win-win. But not washing dishes isn’t really an option. Dishwashers (and washing machines) are just not optional. I’m not some kind of animal living in a cave any more.
** The broken one was a Bosch one. Fairly high-end too, because I want my dishwasher quiet (and that’s what you usually pay extra for). That was, I think, the third Bosch that we’ve had in 15 years. Either we’re hard on dishwashers, or their reputation for being reliable is overblown. Miele is supposedly better, but hard to find. So we’re trying Samsung now. I have at least temporarily decided that the whole “German Engineering” thing may be a thing of the past. Let’s see how that works out.
** ''(In response to post asking a rhetorical question of whether someone believed in &quot;German engineering&quot; after a scandal involving Volkswagen)'' or rather, the Berlin airport debacle? To be fair, I think most (all?) Bosch models that are sold in the US are actually manufactured here too. Maybe the ones actually manufactured in Germany fare better.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/AUkTPiXrpnBynp8vS4| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-04-17, 2023-04-18 | accessdate=2023-04-18}}

* ''(In response to a [https://social.kernel.org/notice/AUl8TL51dKaoGcEqqe post] of the Linux Kernel infrastructre maintainer showcasing an [[w:Email_fraud|online scam]] mentioning God)'' Damn. Who will take care of the kernel.org infrastructure now? God really didn’t think that one through.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/AUlEEM1qQJHIafzMUy| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-04-18 | accessdate=2023-04-18}}

* I’m a card-carrying atheist, I think a woman’s right to choose is very important, I think that “well regulated militia” means that guns should be carefully licensed and not just randomly given to any moron with a pulse, and I couldn’t care less if you decided to dress up in the “wrong” clothes or decided you’d rather live your life without feeling tied to whatever plumbing you were born with. And dammit, if that all makes me “woke”, then I think anybody who uses that word as a pejorative is a f*cking disgrace to the human race. So please just unfollow me right now.
** {{cite web | url=https://social.kernel.org/notice/AWSXomDbvdxKgOxVAm| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;social.kernel.org&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-06-07 | accessdate=2024-10-30}}

* I will now go back to my cave and continue pulling stuff, I just had to do something else for a while. Some people relax with a nice drink by the pool, I relax by playing around with [[w:Inline_assembler|inline asm]].
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wi9Uwo3-uwB4rT=wK2VKhGq3yEp_U-b2kruogCT=13Mjg@mail.gmail.com/| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [GIT PULL] x86/misc for 6.5&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2023-06-27 | accessdate=2023-06-28}}

==== 2024 ====

* The day we finally get rid of HIGHMEM I will dance on its grave. I have hated that thing for a long long time.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/all/CAHk-=wjhQ-TTg40xSP5dP0a1_90LMbxhvX0bsVBdv3wpQN2xQQ@mail.gmail.com/| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;re: Linux 6.11-rc1&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2024-07-31 | accessdate=2024-08-01}}

* A third of a century. And it *still* isn't ready. I really need to get my sh*t together..
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=whsqTTsiZ=XmecYwQqqya2C4ufysiDj2bOPhvke4mR2mg@mail.gmail.com/| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: Linux 6.11-rc5&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2024-08-25 | accessdate=2024-09-07}}

* If you haven't heard of Russian sanctions yet, you should try to read the news some day. And by &quot;news&quot;, I don't mean Russian state-sponsored spam. As to sending me a revert patch - please use whatever mush you call brains. I'm Finnish. Did you think I'd be *supporting* Russian aggression? Apparently it's not just lack of real news, it's lack of history knowledge too.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/all/CAHk-=whNGNVnYHHSXUAsWds_MoZ-iEgRMQMxZZ0z-jY4uHT+Gg@mail.gmail.com/| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;re: [PATCH] Revert &quot;MAINTAINERS: Remove some entries due to various compliance requirements.&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | author=Torvalds, Linus | date=2024-10-23 | accessdate=2024-10-25}}

== Attributed ==
* ''If [[w:386BSD|386BSD]] had been available when I started on Linux, Linux would probably never had happened.''
** Source: [http://gondwanaland.com/meta/history/interview.html Mike Linksvayer's 1993 interview] in the [http://gondwanaland.com/meta/history/ first issue of Meta Magazine]

* Software is like sex; it's better when it's free.
** Attributed to Torvalds at 1996 FSF conference, [https://web.archive.org/web/20071016215132/http://www.argentilinux.com.ar/doku.php/linux_videos_documentales:the_code_linux video showing this phrase in one of Torvalds papers (time code: 48.44)]

* The memory management on the [[w:PowerPC|PowerPC]] can be used to frighten small children.
** Source: quoted by Alan Cox [http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.linux.development.system/msg/dc45421fdef2aaa1?pli=1 here]

* OK, I admit it. I was just a front-man for the real fathers of Linux, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.
** Attributed to Torvalds in ''LinuxWorld'' interview.
** Responding to the [[w:Alexis de Tocqueville Institution|Alexis de Tocqueville Institution]]'s claim that Linus Torvalds is not the real father of Linux.

* 95 percent of all software developers believe they are in the top 5 percent when it comes to knowledge and skills {{Fact}}.

* Guess what? Wheels have been round for a really long time, and anybody who &quot;reinvents&quot; the new wheel is generally considered a crackpot. It turns out that &quot;round&quot; is simply a good form for a wheel to have. It may be boring, but it just tends to roll better than a square, and &quot;hipness&quot; has nothing what-so-ever to do with it.
** Source: [https://lists.linux-foundation.org/pipermail/desktop_architects/2007-August/002446.html on Desktop_architects: Drivers &amp;ndash; below the OS, Fri Aug 3 18:12:57 PDT 2007].

* I don't doubt at all that virtualization is useful in some areas. What I doubt rather strongly is that it will ever have the kind of impact that the people involved in virtualization want it to have.
** Source: [https://lists.linux-foundation.org/pipermail/desktop_architects/2007-August/002446.html Desktop_architects list, 2007.8.3]

* Now, most of you are probably going to be totally bored out of your minds on Christmas day, and here's the perfect distraction. Test 2.6.15-rc7. All the stores will be closed, and there's really nothing better to do in between meals.
** Source: [http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/12/24/92 LKML 2005.12.24]

* First off, I'm actually perfectly well off. I live in a good-sized house, with a nice yard, with deer occasionally showing up and eating the roses (my wife likes the roses more, I like the deer more, so we don't really mind). I've got three kids, and I know I can pay for their education. What more do I need? The thing is, being a good programmer actually pays pretty well; being acknowledged as being world-class pays even better. I simply didn't need to start a commercial company. And it's just about the least interesting thing I can even imagine. I absolutely hate paperwork. I couldn't take care of employees if I tried. A company that I started would never have succeeded &amp;ndash; it's simply not what I'm interested in! So instead, I have a very good life, doing something that I think is really interesting, and something that I think actually matters for people, not just me. And that makes me feel good.
** -- 8/15/07 -- http://www.itbusiness.ca/it/client/en/TechGovernment/News.asp?id=44682&amp;PageMem=2 --

* So LSM stays in. No ifs, buts, maybes or anything else. When I see the security people making sane arguments and agreeing on something, that will change. Quite frankly, I expect hell to freeze over before that happens, and pigs will be nesting in trees. But hey, I can hope.
** -- 10/1/07 -- http://web.archive.org/20071008195655/kerneltrap.org/Linux/Pluggable_Security

* So I would not be surprised if the globbing libraries, for example, will do NFD-mangling in order to glob &quot;correctly&quot;, so even programs ported from real Unix might end up getting pathnames subtly changed into NFD as part of some hot library-on-library action with UTF hackery inside.
** -- Wed, 23 Jan 2008 -- http://web.archive.org/20080213164251/kerneltrap.org/mailarchive/git/2008/1/23/595619

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2012LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2012 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2013LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2013 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2014LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2014 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List

{{DEFAULTSORT:Torvalds, Linus}}
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[[Category:Programmers]]
[[Category:Software engineers]]
[[Category:Bloggers]]
[[Category:Agnostics]]
[[Category:Immigrants to the United States]]
[[Category:Finland-Swedes]]
[[Category:People from Helsinki]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dr. Seuss</title>
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      <text bytes="27333" sha1="eodlkx498r4c6jbtjf78djqhz31oyay" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Theodor  Seuss Geisel (01037v).jpg|thumb|From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.]]
'''[[w:Dr. Seuss|Theodor Seuss Geisel]]''' ([[2 March]] [[1904]] – [[24 September]] [[1991]]) was an American  children's author, political cartoonist, illustrator, poet, animator, and filmmaker. He is known for his work writing and illustrating [[w:Dr. Seuss bibliography|more than 60 books]] under the [[w:pen name|pen name]] '''Dr. Seuss'''. His work includes many of the most popular children's books of all time, selling over 600 million copies and being translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death.
[[File:Dr Seuss and the wolf chewed up the children.jpg|thumb|… and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones … But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn’t matter … ]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS 2 crop.jpg|thumb|[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.]]
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS.jpg|thumb|&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]&quot;, he thought, &quot;doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;]]

* '''... and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones ... But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn't matter ...'''
** Caption to a political cartoon against the &quot;[[w:America First Committee|America First]]&quot; movement, showing children being read a story of &quot;[[Adolf Hitler|Adolf]] the Wolf&quot;, in ''PM Magazine'' (1 October 1941). For more context see:[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/dr-seuss-adolf-wolf/ Another popular rumor was]

* You make 'em, I amuse 'em.
** Statement about [[children]], as quoted in ''Enter, Conversing'' (1962) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 108

* '''[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.''' Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid [[world]]. It's more than just a matter of [[laughing]]. '''If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Author Isn't Just a Cat in the Hat&quot; by Miles Corwin in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (27 November 1983); also in ''Dr. Seuss: American Icon'' (2004) by Philip Nel, p. 38

* When at last we are sure&lt;br&gt;You've been properly pilled,&lt;br&gt;Then a few paper forms&lt;br&gt;Must be properly filled&lt;br&gt;So that you and your heirs&lt;br&gt;May be properly billed.
** ''You're Only Old Once! : A Book for Obsolete Children'' (1986)

* '''You can get help from [[teachers]], but you are going to have to [[learn]] a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.'''
** On becoming a writer, NY Times (May 21, 1986)

* '''Adults are just obsolete [[children]] and the [[hell]] with them.'''
** On writing for adults, as quoted in ''Of Sneetches and Whos and the Good Dr. Seuss: Essays on the Writings and Life of Theodor Geisel'' (1997) by Thomas Fensch, p. 96

===''[[w:And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street|And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street]]'' (1937)===
* And that is a story that no one can beat, &lt;br&gt; When I say that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

===''[[w:Horton Hatches the Egg|Horton Hatches the Egg]]'' (1940)===
* '''I [[Meaning|meant]] what I [[Speech|said]], &lt;br&gt; and I said what I meant &lt;br&gt; An [[elephant]]'s [[faithful]], &lt;br&gt; One hundred percent.'''

===''[[w:Horton Hears a Who!|Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (1954)===
[[File:Sonne hinter Pflanze.jpg|thumb|Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]] &lt;br/&gt; A person's a [[person]], no matter how small!]]

* On the 15th of [[May]], in the Jungle of Nool, &lt;br /&gt; In the heat of the [[day]], in the cool of the pool, &lt;br /&gt; He was splashing... enjoying the jungle's great [[joys]]... &lt;br /&gt; When Horton the [[elephant]] heard a small [[noise]].

* '''A person's a [[person]], no matter how small.'''

* &quot;My [[friends]]!&quot;, cried the elephant. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Tell me! Do tell! &lt;br /&gt; Are you safe? Are you sound? &lt;br /&gt; Are you whole? Are you [[Health|well]]?&quot;

* &quot;You're going to be roped! &lt;br /&gt; And you're going to be caged! &lt;br /&gt; And, as for your dust speck – hah! &lt;br /&gt; That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut Oil!&quot;

* &quot;'''Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]]. &lt;br /&gt; A person's a person, no matter how small! &lt;br /&gt; And you very small persons will not have to [[die]] &lt;br /&gt; If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!'''&quot;

* &quot;This&quot;, cried the Mayor, &quot;is your town's darkest hour! &lt;br /&gt; The [[time]] for all Whos who have [[blood]] that is red &lt;br /&gt; To come to the aid of their [[country]]!&quot;, he said. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! &lt;br /&gt; '''So, open your mouth, lad! For every [[voice]] counts!'''&quot;

===''[[w:On Beyond Zebra!|On Beyond Zebra!]]'' (1955)===

* '''Oh the things you can find''' &lt;br&gt; '''If you don't stay behind!'''

* '''In the places I go there are things that I see &lt;br/&gt; That I never could spell if I stopped with the Z.''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my [[friends]]. &lt;br/&gt; My alphabet [[starts]] where your alphabet [[ends]]!'''

* '''So, on beyond Z! &lt;br&gt; It's high [[time]] you were shown &lt;br&gt; That you really don't [[know]] &lt;br&gt; [[All]] there is to be known.'''

===''[[w:The Cat in the Hat|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1957)===
[[File:US Navy 020301-N-9573A-002 Read to kids national campaign aboard CVN 73.jpg |thumb|We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!]]

* The [[sun]] did not shine. &lt;br&gt; It was too wet to play. &lt;br&gt; So we sat in the house &lt;br&gt; All that cold, cold, wet [[day]].

* We looked! Then we saw him &lt;br&gt; Step in on the mat! &lt;br&gt; '''We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!'''

===''[[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas!|How the Grinch Stole Christmas!]]'' (1957)===
* '''&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]...&quot;, he thought, &quot;...Doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;'''

* Well, in Who-ville they say &lt;br&gt; That the Grinch's small [[heart]] &lt;br&gt; Grew 3 sizes that day.

===''[[w:Yertle the Turtle|Yertle the Turtle]]'' (1958)===
* On the the far away meanest island of Sala-ma-Sond, Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond. A vicious-eating little pond. It was lost. Cast off, unloved, unwanted. But it was neat. The water was warm. There was plenty to eat. The turtles are slapped with fish had everything turtles were particularly mean to need. They were all teasing. Quite teasing indeed.

They lied, they stole… until Yertle, the spoiled, selfish, and unkind king of them all, Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small. “I’m ruler”, said Yertle furiously, “of all that I see. But I don’t see enough. That’s the trouble with me. With this stone for a throne, I look down on my pond But I cannot look down on the places beyond. This throne that I sit on is too, too low down. It ought to be higher!” he said with a frown. “If I could sit high and roar, how much greater I’d be! What a king! I’d be screaming ruler of all that I see!”

So Yertle the Turtle King, lifted his hand And Yertle, the Turtle King, gave a command. He ordered nine turtle soldiers to swim to his stone And, using these turtles, he built a new throne. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back And he piled them all up in a nine-turtle stack. And then Yertle climbed up. He sat down on the pile. What a wonderful view! He could see ‘most a mile!

“All mine!” Yertle cried. “Oh, the things I now rule! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house, And, what’s more, beyond that I’m the king of a blueberry bush and a cat! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!”

And all through the morning, he sat up there high Saying over and over, “A great king am I!” Until it was too late. Then, He heard a faint sigh. '''“WHO SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”''' snapped the angry king and turns into fury, growls angrily baring his teeth with the evil thunderclaps, looked down for the first time in the stack. And he is so badly that he saw with the snarl at at the bottom, a whimpering turtle named Mack. Just as worried that a heavy throne is coming. And this poorly little turtle Looked up and burst into tears, crying, “You're fired your temper, King Yertle! You're a very naughty heard that you have your tantrums are so sexy with pains in my back and my shoulders and knees! How dare just being too savage, Your Majesty, please?”

'''“SSSSSSIIIIILLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”''' the mighty King of the Turtles ferociously screams back. '''“I COMMAND AS TEN TIMES THE VERY, VERY, VERY ANGRY KING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!  You could being annoying to get some time! I'm trying to build our army, Mack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”'''
“You'd feel hurt if ya can be replaced while I sit here and rule!!! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house! And a bush! And a cat! Silence calls me &quot;bugs&quot; in this being a big bully!! Now the Turtles will be here again to say that: '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE MAKES ME A LIAR!!!! I will having a temper tantrum! I’ll let more troubles for more armies To GET EVEN HIGHEEEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'''” his royal alarmed outbursts and voice echoes turns red in savagely thundered, “'''CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I WANT More, More turtles!!!!!!! I'm going to storm out on ’bout be higher hundred!!!!!!!'''”  

“Turtles! Ready to launch on your command, turtles!” he growls and yelled with the bray. Thunder rumbles loudly makes the turtle guards ‘way down in the pond were so mean in fact, that most furiously misbehaved. They snarl, They bared teeth to his anger, But from an army hurt feelings for the throne, They unison obeyed. From all over the pond, they due to his anger marching by dozens. Whole pair of turtle soldiers, swimming with angry sinisters and cousins. And all of them much to anger stepped on the head of poor disappointedly Mack. One after another, they climbed up the stack. (They piled up so high that made Yertle the Angry King bared-teeth, stomping the ground repeatedly makes the shells cracked and they bent! Yertle's roaring in outraged. He is angriest, aggressive screaming with an echo by throwing a temper tantrum '''&quot;I'M ALREADY mostly super-freaking OUT, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED!! FIRED!! FIRED!!! FIRED!!!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!&quot;''' So they did in naughtiness, furiously enough higher they all went.)

Now, Yertle the Cranky Turtle King was perched up so high, He could see forty miles from his throne in the sky! “ We... '''DID IIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!''' Hooray! We did it, we did it! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” shouted Yertle with a laughs evilly fits. “I’m the king of the trees! I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees! I’m king of the butterflies! King of the fireflies! And the air! Ah, That wasn't so bad! What a throne! What a wonderful chair! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!” 

Then it happened again, from below, in down below the lividly heavy stack, Came a sad, upset and begins nervously to enraged crying from that poorly little turtle named Mack, “THAT'S ENOUGH, Your Majesty!!! It wouldn't dare too much of your king's heart in you!! I guess I don't want any like to complain, You can't ground me, I have feel ashamed than mention that name in my throne, I'm feeling great pain. '''I [[know]] up on top you are seeing great sights, &lt;br&gt; But down here on the bottom, &lt;br&gt; We too should have [[rights]].''' We turtles always be gone. For you, all is lost to kills his true enemy. Our shells will all crack! Besides, It just isn't fair! The faults have split your worried they might cause trouble!” groaned Mack.

“'''YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, ALRIGHT!?!?!?!?!'''” barked the bully temper King Yertle. “You're still grounded to the world’s angriest, nastiest turtle. I'm stomping the ground repeatedly with one foot to rule from the clouds!! Over land!! Over sea!! '''I DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN, no, YOU ARE NOTHING, Never ever was crazy higher than me!!”''' 

But, while he wanna be more vicious yell with the snarling, he saw with surprised, That the moon of the evening was starting to rise Up over his head in the darkening skies. “'''WHAT'S THAT?!?!?'''” snorted Yertle angrily. “Say, what if it ISN'T that thing That dares to be higher than Yertle the King? '''I HATE IT!!'''  I’ll build my high throne even higher still!! Am I completely fed up for A '''CHALLENGE!?!?!''' I will hurt the high throne, I can and I will! I guess I'm one against an army turtles. I’ll get your stack ‘em  to heaven!!! I always storming out than ’bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!!!!!!” 

But, as Yertle, the Angry Turtle King, throws an his angry tantrum hand And started angrily to order and give the furious command, That poor little turtle below in the stack, That poorly little turtle's voice-breaking whose name was just Mack, Decided he’d taken enough. And he worried that had. And that poorly little lad got a bit mad. And that poorly turns to the plain little Mack’s anger turned to sadness and a tear rolled down that he wish that the new turtle from his very disappointed king. But suddenly, he gets an softly idea, feeling happy with a real thing. He burped, and it worked! His burp shook the throne of the angry king!  

Then, Yertle the Angry Turtle King couldn't stay cross for long of these, Back, back, back through the king of the trees, The king of the air and the birds and the bees, The king of a house and a cow and a mule… Wow! That was the end of the Vicious Turtle King’s rule! For Yertle, the Angry King of all Sala-ma-Sond, Fell off his high throne and fell... Plunk! in the muddy chocolate pond! 

And [[today]] the great Yertle said they were sorry and embarrassed about this temper tantrum, stopped the fish-slapping and started being nice, that Marvelous he, &lt;br&gt; Is King of covered in chocolate having never been more dirty than the Mud. That is all he can see. &lt;br&gt; And the turtles was cleanliness, of course... all the turtles rewarded with a washdown and they're [[free]] &lt;br&gt; As turtles in this case, maybe, [[all]] soldiers should be.

* The End.

===''[[w:One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish|One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish]]'' (1960)===
* '''From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.'''

* If you never did &lt;br&gt; You should. &lt;br&gt; These things are fun. &lt;br&gt;and '''[[Fun]] is [[good]].''''

===''[[w:Green Eggs and Ham|Green Eggs and Ham]]'' (1960)===
* '''I am Sam. &lt;br/&gt; Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I do not like that Sam-I-Am!'''

* I would not like them here or there. &lt;br&gt; I would not like them anywhere. &lt;br&gt; '''I do not like green eggs and ham. &lt;br&gt; I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''Say! &lt;br&gt; I like green eggs and ham! &lt;br&gt; I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am!'''

===''I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew'' (1965)===
* I pulled, pulled, and pulled.  And the next thing I knew,&lt;br/&gt;I was pulling the camel ''and Wubble-Chap too!''&lt;br/&gt;&quot;Now really,&quot; I thought, &quot;this is rather unfair!&quot;&lt;br/&gt;But he said, &quot;Don't you stew.  I am doing my share.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;b&gt;&quot;This is called teamwork.  I furnish the brains.&lt;br/&gt;You furnish the muscles, the aches and the pains.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br/&gt;I'll pick the best roads, tell you just where to go,&lt;br/&gt;And we'll find a good doctor more quickly, you know.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;Then he sat and he worked with his brains and his tongue&lt;br/&gt;And he bossed me around just because I was young.&lt;br/&gt;He told me go left.  Then he told me go right.&lt;br/&gt;And that's what he told me all day and all night.


* A big man on a horse scared me out of my wits.&lt;br/&gt;He bellowed, &quot;I'm General Genghis Kahn Schmitz.&lt;br/&gt;There's a war going on! And it's time that you knew&lt;br/&gt;Every lad in this land has his duty to do.&lt;br/&gt;We're marching to battle.  We need you, my boy!&lt;br/&gt;We're about to attack.  We're about to destroy&lt;br/&gt;The Perilous Poozer of Pompelmoose Pass!&lt;br/&gt;So get into line. You're a Private, First Class.&quot; 


* I'd have no more troubles...&lt;br/&gt;That's what the man said.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;So I started to go.&lt;br/&gt;But I didn't.&lt;br/&gt;Instead ....&lt;br/&gt;I did some quick thinking&lt;br/&gt;Inside of my head.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Then I started back home&lt;br/&gt;To the Valley of Vung.&lt;/br&gt;I know I'll have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get stung.&lt;br/&gt;I'll always have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get bit&lt;br/&gt;By that Green-Headed Quail&lt;br/&gt;On the place where I sit.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;But I've bought a big bat.&lt;br/&gt;I'm all ready, you see.&lt;br/&gt;Now my troubles are going&lt;br/&gt;To have troubles with ''me!''

===''[[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]'' (1971)===
[[File:Kesseltal-Lonely Tree.jpg|thumb|I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]].]]
[[File:Coconut tree with weird shape at Atlantis.jpg|thumb|UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, &lt;br&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. It's not.]]

* &quot;Mister!&quot; he said with a sawdusty sneeze. &lt;br&gt; '''&quot;I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]]. &lt;br&gt; I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.''' &lt;br&gt; And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs&quot; – &lt;br&gt; He was very upset as he shouted and puffed – &lt;br&gt; &quot;What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?&quot;

* '''I am the Lorax who speaks for the trees, &lt;br&gt; Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please!''' &lt;br&gt; But I'm ''also'' in charge of the brown Bar-ba-loots, &lt;br&gt; Who played in the shade in their Bar-ba-loot suits, &lt;br&gt; And happily lived, eating Truffula fruits. &lt;br&gt; Now, thanks to your hacking my trees to the ground, &lt;br&gt; There's not enough Truffula [[fruit]] to go 'round! &lt;br&gt; And my poor Bar-ba-loots are all getting the crummies &lt;br&gt; Because they have gas, and no [[food]], in their tummies!

* '''UNLESS someone like you &lt;br /&gt; [[cares]] a whole awful lot, &lt;br /&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. &lt;br /&gt;It's not. '''

* &quot;So . . . &lt;br&gt; Catch!&quot; calls the Once-ler. &lt;br&gt; He lets something fall. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It's a Truffula Seed. &lt;br&gt; It's the last one of all! &lt;br&gt; You're in charge of the last of the Truffula Seeds. &lt;br&gt; And Truffula Trees are what everyone needs. &lt;br&gt; Plant a new Truffula. Treat it with care. &lt;br&gt; Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. &lt;br&gt; Grow a forest. [[Protect]] it from axes that hack. &lt;br&gt; Then the Lorax &lt;br&gt; and all of his [[friends]] &lt;br&gt; may come back.&quot;

* Now all that was left 'neath the bad-smelling [[sky]] &lt;br&gt; was my big empty factory... &lt;br&gt; the Lorax... &lt;br&gt; and I. &lt;br&gt; The Lorax said [[nothing]]. &lt;br&gt; Just gave me a glance,&lt;br&gt; just gave me a very [[sad]], sad backward glance, &lt;br&gt; as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. &lt;br&gt; And I'll never forget the grim look on his face &lt;br&gt; when he heisted himself and took leave of this place, &lt;br&gt; through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace. &lt;br&gt; And all that the Lorax left here in this mess &lt;br&gt; was a small pile of rocks with the one word: &lt;br&gt; '''UNLESS'''. &lt;br&gt; Whatever ''that'' meant . . . well, I just couldn't guess.

=== ''[[w:Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?|Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?]]'' (1973) ===

* '''It's a troublesome [[world]].''' All the [[people]] who're in it &lt;br /&gt; are troubled with [[troubles]] almost every minute. &lt;br /&gt;  '''You oughta be [[thankful]], a whole heaping lot, &lt;br&gt; For the [[places]] and [[people]] you're [[lucky]] you're ''not!'''''
** The last sentence of this statement is often misquoted as &quot;You oughta be thankful, a whole heaping lot, / For the people and places you're lucky you're ''not!'''&quot;

* And suppose that you lived in that forest in France &lt;br&gt; Where the average young person just hasn't a chance &lt;br&gt; To escape from the perilous pants-eating plants! &lt;br /&gt; But ''your'' pants are safe! '''You're a fortunate guy. &lt;br /&gt;And you ought to be shouting, &quot;How lucky am I!&quot;'''

* '''Thank goodness for all the things you are not!''' &lt;br /&gt; Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot, &lt;br /&gt; and left all alone in some punkerish place &lt;br /&gt; like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space.

* That's why I say, &quot;'''Duckie! &lt;br /&gt; Don’t grumble! Don’t stew! &lt;br /&gt; Some critters are much-much, &lt;br /&gt; oh, ever so much-much, &lt;br /&gt; so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!'''&quot;

=== ''[[w:I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!|I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!]]'' (1978) ===
* '''The more that you [[read]], &lt;br&gt; The more things you will [[know]]. &lt;br&gt; The more that you learn, &lt;br&gt; The more places you'll go.'''

* Young [[cat]]! If you keep &lt;br&gt; Your [[eyes]] open enough, &lt;br&gt; Oh, the stuff you will [[learn]]! &lt;br&gt; The most wonderful stuff!

* you'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut

=== ''[[w:Oh, the Places You'll Go!|Oh, the Places You'll Go!]]'' (1990) ===
[[File:Seuss Landing.jpg |thumb|When things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!]]

* '''You have [[brains]] in your head. &lt;br&gt; You have feet in your shoes. &lt;br&gt; You can steer yourself &lt;br&gt; any direction you choose.'''

* With your head full of brains, &lt;br&gt;and your shoes full of feet, &lt;br&gt; You're too smart to go down any not-so-good-street.

* Out there things can happen, and frequently do, &lt;br&gt; To people as brainy and footsy as you. &lt;br&gt; '''And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!'''

* You're off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.

== Miscellaneous ==

* [...] right now, when the [[Japanese|Japs]] are planting their hatchets in our skulls, it seems like a hell of a time for us to smile and warble: “Brothers!” It is a rather flabby [[battle]] cry. If we want to win, we've got to [[kill]] Japs, whether it depresses [[w:John Haynes Holmes|John Haynes Holmes]] or not. We can get  [[wiktionary:palsy-walsy|palsy-walsy]] afterward with those that are left.
** Commenting his [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Seuss_cartoon.png patriotic editorial cartoon in 1942 in the New York newspaper PM]. Source: [https://www.openculture.com/2014/08/dr-seuss-draws-racist-anti-japanese-cartoons-during-ww-ii.html Dr. Seuss Draws Anti-Japanese Cartoons During WWII, Then Atones with Horton Hears a Who!]. For more context, see [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss_Goes_to_War Dr. Seuss Goes to War].


{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
** Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
** This quote has also been attributed to [[Gabriel García Márquez]], in Spanish: &quot;No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió.&quot;
*** Compare lines from ''In Memoriam A.H.H.'' of [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Tennyson]]:&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;'Tis better to have loved and lost&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;Than never to have loved at all.

{{disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* '''Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'''
** [[Bernard Baruch]] in response to a question by [[w:Igor Cassini|Igor Cassini]] as to how he handled the seating arrangements at his dinner parties, as quoted in ''Shake Well Before Using: A New Collection of Impressions and Anecdotes Mostly Humorous'' (1948) by [[w:Bennett Cerf|Bennett Cerf]], p. 249; the full response was &quot;'''I never bother about that. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.'''&quot; This anecdote is also quoted online at [http://www.chiasmus.com/archive/msg00241.html Chiasmus.com]. It has also become part of a larger expression, which has been commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss, even in print, but without citation of a specific work: &quot;'''Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'''&quot;
**&quot;The earliest instance located by [QUOTEINVESTIGATOR.COM] was printed in 1938 in a journal based in London and written for municipal and county engineers. The phrase was used comically to discount the criticisms directed at housing designs. The words were enclosed in quotation marks suggesting that the quip was already known in 1938: Mr. Davies himself admitted that it was highly controversial and open to criticism; but criticism concerned both mind and matter. “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!”&quot; 1938 February 1, The Journal of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, Volume 64, Number 16, Discussion, [Quotation is contained in the remarks of “Mr. Percy Morris (Wakefield)”], Quote Page 1277, Published at the Offices of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, London. (Verified with scans; Thanks to Dennis Lien and the University of Minnesota library system)&quot; 

* You want my [[opinion]]? '''We're all a little weird. And [[life]] is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it [[love]] — true love.'''
** [[Robert Fulghum]] in ''True Love'' (1998). Versions attributed to Dr. Seuss usually run &quot;mutual weirdness&quot;.

* '''Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.'''
** [[Georges Duhamel]] in ''THE HEART'S DOMAIN'' (1919).  As it was composed in French, the wording in English may vary in translation. Theodore Geisel / Dr. Seuss was born in 1904, and would have been about 15 years old at the time that it was published.  The full text can be found at the link below: '''We do not know the true value of our moments until they have undergone the test of memory. Like the images the photographer plunges into a golden bath, our sentiments take on color; and only then, after that recoil and that trans-figuration, do we understand their real meaning and enjoy them in all their tranquil splendor.'''
{{Misattributed end}}

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/testing/html/mss0230d.html Brief biography of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://libraries.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dsads/ The Advertising Artwork of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/ The complete Dr. Seuss editorial cartoons (UC San Diego)]
* [http://www.anapsid.org/aboutmk/seuss.html An essay by Melissa Kaplan]
* [http://www.seussville.com/ Seussville site (Random House)]
* [http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.home.html The Dr. Seuss Web Page]
* [http://www.ksu.edu/english/nelp/seuss/ Dr. Seuss on the web]
* [http://www.archive.org/stream/heartsdomain00duhaiala/heartsdomain00duhaiala_djvu.txt  Full text of the Heart's Domain by Georges Duhamel.]

* {{imdb name|id=0317450|name=Dr. Seuss}}

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[[Category:1991 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
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      <parentid>3607064</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:43:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>96.40.57.128</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Yertle the Turtle (1958) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="27313" sha1="ojacskmiydder3qdnox0l2jyg2kgfd8" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Theodor  Seuss Geisel (01037v).jpg|thumb|From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.]]
'''[[w:Dr. Seuss|Theodor Seuss Geisel]]''' ([[2 March]] [[1904]] – [[24 September]] [[1991]]) was an American  children's author, political cartoonist, illustrator, poet, animator, and filmmaker. He is known for his work writing and illustrating [[w:Dr. Seuss bibliography|more than 60 books]] under the [[w:pen name|pen name]] '''Dr. Seuss'''. His work includes many of the most popular children's books of all time, selling over 600 million copies and being translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death.
[[File:Dr Seuss and the wolf chewed up the children.jpg|thumb|… and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones … But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn’t matter … ]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS 2 crop.jpg|thumb|[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.]]
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS.jpg|thumb|&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]&quot;, he thought, &quot;doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;]]

* '''... and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones ... But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn't matter ...'''
** Caption to a political cartoon against the &quot;[[w:America First Committee|America First]]&quot; movement, showing children being read a story of &quot;[[Adolf Hitler|Adolf]] the Wolf&quot;, in ''PM Magazine'' (1 October 1941). For more context see:[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/dr-seuss-adolf-wolf/ Another popular rumor was]

* You make 'em, I amuse 'em.
** Statement about [[children]], as quoted in ''Enter, Conversing'' (1962) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 108

* '''[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.''' Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid [[world]]. It's more than just a matter of [[laughing]]. '''If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Author Isn't Just a Cat in the Hat&quot; by Miles Corwin in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (27 November 1983); also in ''Dr. Seuss: American Icon'' (2004) by Philip Nel, p. 38

* When at last we are sure&lt;br&gt;You've been properly pilled,&lt;br&gt;Then a few paper forms&lt;br&gt;Must be properly filled&lt;br&gt;So that you and your heirs&lt;br&gt;May be properly billed.
** ''You're Only Old Once! : A Book for Obsolete Children'' (1986)

* '''You can get help from [[teachers]], but you are going to have to [[learn]] a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.'''
** On becoming a writer, NY Times (May 21, 1986)

* '''Adults are just obsolete [[children]] and the [[hell]] with them.'''
** On writing for adults, as quoted in ''Of Sneetches and Whos and the Good Dr. Seuss: Essays on the Writings and Life of Theodor Geisel'' (1997) by Thomas Fensch, p. 96

===''[[w:And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street|And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street]]'' (1937)===
* And that is a story that no one can beat, &lt;br&gt; When I say that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

===''[[w:Horton Hatches the Egg|Horton Hatches the Egg]]'' (1940)===
* '''I [[Meaning|meant]] what I [[Speech|said]], &lt;br&gt; and I said what I meant &lt;br&gt; An [[elephant]]'s [[faithful]], &lt;br&gt; One hundred percent.'''

===''[[w:Horton Hears a Who!|Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (1954)===
[[File:Sonne hinter Pflanze.jpg|thumb|Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]] &lt;br/&gt; A person's a [[person]], no matter how small!]]

* On the 15th of [[May]], in the Jungle of Nool, &lt;br /&gt; In the heat of the [[day]], in the cool of the pool, &lt;br /&gt; He was splashing... enjoying the jungle's great [[joys]]... &lt;br /&gt; When Horton the [[elephant]] heard a small [[noise]].

* '''A person's a [[person]], no matter how small.'''

* &quot;My [[friends]]!&quot;, cried the elephant. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Tell me! Do tell! &lt;br /&gt; Are you safe? Are you sound? &lt;br /&gt; Are you whole? Are you [[Health|well]]?&quot;

* &quot;You're going to be roped! &lt;br /&gt; And you're going to be caged! &lt;br /&gt; And, as for your dust speck – hah! &lt;br /&gt; That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut Oil!&quot;

* &quot;'''Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]]. &lt;br /&gt; A person's a person, no matter how small! &lt;br /&gt; And you very small persons will not have to [[die]] &lt;br /&gt; If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!'''&quot;

* &quot;This&quot;, cried the Mayor, &quot;is your town's darkest hour! &lt;br /&gt; The [[time]] for all Whos who have [[blood]] that is red &lt;br /&gt; To come to the aid of their [[country]]!&quot;, he said. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! &lt;br /&gt; '''So, open your mouth, lad! For every [[voice]] counts!'''&quot;

===''[[w:On Beyond Zebra!|On Beyond Zebra!]]'' (1955)===

* '''Oh the things you can find''' &lt;br&gt; '''If you don't stay behind!'''

* '''In the places I go there are things that I see &lt;br/&gt; That I never could spell if I stopped with the Z.''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my [[friends]]. &lt;br/&gt; My alphabet [[starts]] where your alphabet [[ends]]!'''

* '''So, on beyond Z! &lt;br&gt; It's high [[time]] you were shown &lt;br&gt; That you really don't [[know]] &lt;br&gt; [[All]] there is to be known.'''

===''[[w:The Cat in the Hat|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1957)===
[[File:US Navy 020301-N-9573A-002 Read to kids national campaign aboard CVN 73.jpg |thumb|We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!]]

* The [[sun]] did not shine. &lt;br&gt; It was too wet to play. &lt;br&gt; So we sat in the house &lt;br&gt; All that cold, cold, wet [[day]].

* We looked! Then we saw him &lt;br&gt; Step in on the mat! &lt;br&gt; '''We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!'''

===''[[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas!|How the Grinch Stole Christmas!]]'' (1957)===
* '''&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]...&quot;, he thought, &quot;...Doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;'''

* Well, in Who-ville they say &lt;br&gt; That the Grinch's small [[heart]] &lt;br&gt; Grew 3 sizes that day.

===''[[w:Yertle the Turtle|Yertle the Turtle]]'' (1958)===
* On the the far away meanest island of Sala-ma-Sond, Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond. A vicious-eating little pond. It was lost. Cast off, unloved, unwanted. But it was neat. The water was warm. There was plenty to eat. The turtles are slapped with fish had everything turtles were particularly mean to need. They were all teasing. Quite teasing indeed.

They lied, they stole… until Yertle, the spoiled, selfish, and unkind king of them all, Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small. “I’m ruler”, said Yertle furiously, “of all that I see. But I don’t see enough. That’s the trouble with me. With this stone for a throne, I look down on my pond But I cannot look down on the places beyond. This throne that I sit on is too, too low down. It ought to be higher!” he said with a frown. “If I could sit high and roar, how much greater I’d be! What a king! I’d be screaming ruler of all that I see!”

So Yertle the Turtle King, lifted his hand And Yertle, the Turtle King, gave a command. He ordered nine turtle soldiers to swim to his stone And, using these turtles, he built a new throne. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back And he piled them all up in a nine-turtle stack. And then Yertle climbed up. He sat down on the pile. What a wonderful view! He could see ‘most a mile!

“All mine!” Yertle cried. “Oh, the things I now rule! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house, And, what’s more, beyond that I’m the king of a blueberry bush and a cat! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!”

And all through the morning, he sat up there high Saying over and over, “A great king am I!” Until it was too late. Then, He heard a faint sigh. '''“WHO SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”''' snapped the angry king and turns into fury, growls angrily baring his teeth with the evil thunderclaps, looked down for the first time in the stack. And he is so badly that he saw with the snarl at at the bottom, a whimpering turtle named Mack. Just as worried that a heavy throne is coming. And this poorly little turtle Looked up and crying, “You're fired your temper, King Yertle! You're a very naughty heard that you have your tantrums are so sexy with pains in my back and my shoulders and knees! How dare just being too savage, Your Majesty, please?”

'''“SSSSSSIIIIILLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”''' the mighty King of the Turtles ferociously screams back. '''“I COMMAND AS TEN TIMES THE VERY, VERY, VERY ANGRY KING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!  You could being annoying to get some time! I'm trying to build our army, Mack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”'''
“You'd feel hurt if ya can be replaced while I sit here and rule!!! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house! And a bush! And a cat! Silence calls me &quot;bugs&quot; in this being a big bully!! Now the Turtles will be here again to say that: '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE MAKES ME A LIAR!!!! I will having a temper tantrum! I’ll let more troubles for more armies To GET EVEN HIGHEEEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'''” his royal alarmed outbursts and voice echoes turns red in savagely thundered, “'''CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I WANT More, More turtles!!!!!!! I'm going to storm out on ’bout be higher hundred!!!!!!!'''”  

“Turtles! Ready to launch on your command, turtles!” he growls and yelled with the bray. Thunder rumbles loudly makes the turtle guards ‘way down in the pond were so mean in fact, that most furiously misbehaved. They snarl, They bared teeth to his anger, But from an army hurt feelings for the throne, They unison obeyed. From all over the pond, they due to his anger marching by dozens. Whole pair of turtle soldiers, swimming with angry sinisters and cousins. And all of them much to anger stepped on the head of poor disappointedly Mack. One after another, they climbed up the stack. (They piled up so high that made Yertle the Angry King bared-teeth, stomping the ground repeatedly makes the shells cracked and they bent! Yertle's roaring in outraged. He is angriest, aggressive screaming with an echo by throwing a temper tantrum '''&quot;I'M ALREADY mostly super-freaking OUT, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED!! FIRED!! FIRED!!! FIRED!!!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!&quot;''' So they did in naughtiness, furiously enough higher they all went.)

Now, Yertle the Cranky Turtle King was perched up so high, He could see forty miles from his throne in the sky! “ We... '''DID IIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!''' Hooray! We did it, we did it! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” shouted Yertle with a laughs evilly fits. “I’m the king of the trees! I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees! I’m king of the butterflies! King of the fireflies! And the air! Ah, That wasn't so bad! What a throne! What a wonderful chair! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!” 

Then it happened again, from below, in down below the lividly heavy stack, Came a sad, upset and burst into tears, enraged crying from that poorly little turtle named Mack, “THAT'S ENOUGH, Your Majesty!!! It wouldn't dare too much of your king's heart in you!! I guess I don't want any like to complain, You can't ground me, I have feel ashamed than mention that name in my throne, I'm feeling great pain. '''I [[know]] up on top you are seeing great sights, &lt;br&gt; But down here on the bottom, &lt;br&gt; We too should have [[rights]].''' We turtles always be gone. For you, all is lost to kills his true enemy. Our shells will all crack! Besides, It just isn't fair! The faults have split your worried they might cause trouble!” groaned Mack.

“'''YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, ALRIGHT!?!?!?!?!'''” barked the bully temper King Yertle. “You're still grounded to the world’s angriest, nastiest turtle. I'm stomping the ground repeatedly with one foot to rule from the clouds!! Over land!! Over sea!! '''I DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN, no, YOU ARE NOTHING, Never ever was crazy higher than me!!”''' 

But, while he wanna be more vicious yell with the snarling, he saw with surprised, That the moon of the evening was starting to rise Up over his head in the darkening skies. “'''WHAT'S THAT?!?!?'''” snorted Yertle angrily. “Say, what if it ISN'T that thing That dares to be higher than Yertle the King? '''I HATE IT!!'''  I’ll build my high throne even higher still!! Am I completely fed up for A '''CHALLENGE!?!?!''' I will hurt the high throne, I can and I will! I guess I'm one against an army turtles. I’ll get your stack ‘em  to heaven!!! I always storming out than ’bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!!!!!!” 

But, as Yertle, the Angry Turtle King, throws an his angry tantrum hand And started angrily to order and give the furious command, That poor little turtle below in the stack, That poorly little turtle's voice-breaking whose name was just Mack, Decided he’d taken enough. And he worried that had. And that poorly little lad got a bit mad. And that poorly turns to the plain little Mack’s anger turned to sadness and a tear rolled down that he wish that the new turtle from his very disappointed king. But suddenly, he gets an softly idea, feeling happy with a real thing. He burped, and it worked! His burp shook the throne of the angry king!  

Then, Yertle the Angry Turtle King couldn't stay cross for long of these, Back, back, back through the king of the trees, The king of the air and the birds and the bees, The king of a house and a cow and a mule… Wow! That was the end of the Vicious Turtle King’s rule! For Yertle, the Angry King of all Sala-ma-Sond, Fell off his high throne and fell... Plunk! in the muddy chocolate pond! 

And [[today]] the great Yertle said they were sorry and embarrassed about this temper tantrum, stopped the fish-slapping and started being nice, that Marvelous he, &lt;br&gt; Is King of covered in chocolate having never been more dirty than the Mud. That is all he can see. &lt;br&gt; And the turtles was cleanliness, of course... all the turtles rewarded with a washdown and they're [[free]] &lt;br&gt; As turtles in this case, maybe, [[all]] soldiers should be.

* The End.

===''[[w:One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish|One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish]]'' (1960)===
* '''From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.'''

* If you never did &lt;br&gt; You should. &lt;br&gt; These things are fun. &lt;br&gt;and '''[[Fun]] is [[good]].''''

===''[[w:Green Eggs and Ham|Green Eggs and Ham]]'' (1960)===
* '''I am Sam. &lt;br/&gt; Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I do not like that Sam-I-Am!'''

* I would not like them here or there. &lt;br&gt; I would not like them anywhere. &lt;br&gt; '''I do not like green eggs and ham. &lt;br&gt; I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''Say! &lt;br&gt; I like green eggs and ham! &lt;br&gt; I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am!'''

===''I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew'' (1965)===
* I pulled, pulled, and pulled.  And the next thing I knew,&lt;br/&gt;I was pulling the camel ''and Wubble-Chap too!''&lt;br/&gt;&quot;Now really,&quot; I thought, &quot;this is rather unfair!&quot;&lt;br/&gt;But he said, &quot;Don't you stew.  I am doing my share.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;b&gt;&quot;This is called teamwork.  I furnish the brains.&lt;br/&gt;You furnish the muscles, the aches and the pains.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br/&gt;I'll pick the best roads, tell you just where to go,&lt;br/&gt;And we'll find a good doctor more quickly, you know.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;Then he sat and he worked with his brains and his tongue&lt;br/&gt;And he bossed me around just because I was young.&lt;br/&gt;He told me go left.  Then he told me go right.&lt;br/&gt;And that's what he told me all day and all night.


* A big man on a horse scared me out of my wits.&lt;br/&gt;He bellowed, &quot;I'm General Genghis Kahn Schmitz.&lt;br/&gt;There's a war going on! And it's time that you knew&lt;br/&gt;Every lad in this land has his duty to do.&lt;br/&gt;We're marching to battle.  We need you, my boy!&lt;br/&gt;We're about to attack.  We're about to destroy&lt;br/&gt;The Perilous Poozer of Pompelmoose Pass!&lt;br/&gt;So get into line. You're a Private, First Class.&quot; 


* I'd have no more troubles...&lt;br/&gt;That's what the man said.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;So I started to go.&lt;br/&gt;But I didn't.&lt;br/&gt;Instead ....&lt;br/&gt;I did some quick thinking&lt;br/&gt;Inside of my head.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Then I started back home&lt;br/&gt;To the Valley of Vung.&lt;/br&gt;I know I'll have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get stung.&lt;br/&gt;I'll always have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get bit&lt;br/&gt;By that Green-Headed Quail&lt;br/&gt;On the place where I sit.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;But I've bought a big bat.&lt;br/&gt;I'm all ready, you see.&lt;br/&gt;Now my troubles are going&lt;br/&gt;To have troubles with ''me!''

===''[[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]'' (1971)===
[[File:Kesseltal-Lonely Tree.jpg|thumb|I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]].]]
[[File:Coconut tree with weird shape at Atlantis.jpg|thumb|UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, &lt;br&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. It's not.]]

* &quot;Mister!&quot; he said with a sawdusty sneeze. &lt;br&gt; '''&quot;I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]]. &lt;br&gt; I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.''' &lt;br&gt; And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs&quot; – &lt;br&gt; He was very upset as he shouted and puffed – &lt;br&gt; &quot;What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?&quot;

* '''I am the Lorax who speaks for the trees, &lt;br&gt; Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please!''' &lt;br&gt; But I'm ''also'' in charge of the brown Bar-ba-loots, &lt;br&gt; Who played in the shade in their Bar-ba-loot suits, &lt;br&gt; And happily lived, eating Truffula fruits. &lt;br&gt; Now, thanks to your hacking my trees to the ground, &lt;br&gt; There's not enough Truffula [[fruit]] to go 'round! &lt;br&gt; And my poor Bar-ba-loots are all getting the crummies &lt;br&gt; Because they have gas, and no [[food]], in their tummies!

* '''UNLESS someone like you &lt;br /&gt; [[cares]] a whole awful lot, &lt;br /&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. &lt;br /&gt;It's not. '''

* &quot;So . . . &lt;br&gt; Catch!&quot; calls the Once-ler. &lt;br&gt; He lets something fall. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It's a Truffula Seed. &lt;br&gt; It's the last one of all! &lt;br&gt; You're in charge of the last of the Truffula Seeds. &lt;br&gt; And Truffula Trees are what everyone needs. &lt;br&gt; Plant a new Truffula. Treat it with care. &lt;br&gt; Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. &lt;br&gt; Grow a forest. [[Protect]] it from axes that hack. &lt;br&gt; Then the Lorax &lt;br&gt; and all of his [[friends]] &lt;br&gt; may come back.&quot;

* Now all that was left 'neath the bad-smelling [[sky]] &lt;br&gt; was my big empty factory... &lt;br&gt; the Lorax... &lt;br&gt; and I. &lt;br&gt; The Lorax said [[nothing]]. &lt;br&gt; Just gave me a glance,&lt;br&gt; just gave me a very [[sad]], sad backward glance, &lt;br&gt; as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. &lt;br&gt; And I'll never forget the grim look on his face &lt;br&gt; when he heisted himself and took leave of this place, &lt;br&gt; through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace. &lt;br&gt; And all that the Lorax left here in this mess &lt;br&gt; was a small pile of rocks with the one word: &lt;br&gt; '''UNLESS'''. &lt;br&gt; Whatever ''that'' meant . . . well, I just couldn't guess.

=== ''[[w:Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?|Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?]]'' (1973) ===

* '''It's a troublesome [[world]].''' All the [[people]] who're in it &lt;br /&gt; are troubled with [[troubles]] almost every minute. &lt;br /&gt;  '''You oughta be [[thankful]], a whole heaping lot, &lt;br&gt; For the [[places]] and [[people]] you're [[lucky]] you're ''not!'''''
** The last sentence of this statement is often misquoted as &quot;You oughta be thankful, a whole heaping lot, / For the people and places you're lucky you're ''not!'''&quot;

* And suppose that you lived in that forest in France &lt;br&gt; Where the average young person just hasn't a chance &lt;br&gt; To escape from the perilous pants-eating plants! &lt;br /&gt; But ''your'' pants are safe! '''You're a fortunate guy. &lt;br /&gt;And you ought to be shouting, &quot;How lucky am I!&quot;'''

* '''Thank goodness for all the things you are not!''' &lt;br /&gt; Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot, &lt;br /&gt; and left all alone in some punkerish place &lt;br /&gt; like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space.

* That's why I say, &quot;'''Duckie! &lt;br /&gt; Don’t grumble! Don’t stew! &lt;br /&gt; Some critters are much-much, &lt;br /&gt; oh, ever so much-much, &lt;br /&gt; so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!'''&quot;

=== ''[[w:I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!|I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!]]'' (1978) ===
* '''The more that you [[read]], &lt;br&gt; The more things you will [[know]]. &lt;br&gt; The more that you learn, &lt;br&gt; The more places you'll go.'''

* Young [[cat]]! If you keep &lt;br&gt; Your [[eyes]] open enough, &lt;br&gt; Oh, the stuff you will [[learn]]! &lt;br&gt; The most wonderful stuff!

* you'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut

=== ''[[w:Oh, the Places You'll Go!|Oh, the Places You'll Go!]]'' (1990) ===
[[File:Seuss Landing.jpg |thumb|When things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!]]

* '''You have [[brains]] in your head. &lt;br&gt; You have feet in your shoes. &lt;br&gt; You can steer yourself &lt;br&gt; any direction you choose.'''

* With your head full of brains, &lt;br&gt;and your shoes full of feet, &lt;br&gt; You're too smart to go down any not-so-good-street.

* Out there things can happen, and frequently do, &lt;br&gt; To people as brainy and footsy as you. &lt;br&gt; '''And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!'''

* You're off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.

== Miscellaneous ==

* [...] right now, when the [[Japanese|Japs]] are planting their hatchets in our skulls, it seems like a hell of a time for us to smile and warble: “Brothers!” It is a rather flabby [[battle]] cry. If we want to win, we've got to [[kill]] Japs, whether it depresses [[w:John Haynes Holmes|John Haynes Holmes]] or not. We can get  [[wiktionary:palsy-walsy|palsy-walsy]] afterward with those that are left.
** Commenting his [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Seuss_cartoon.png patriotic editorial cartoon in 1942 in the New York newspaper PM]. Source: [https://www.openculture.com/2014/08/dr-seuss-draws-racist-anti-japanese-cartoons-during-ww-ii.html Dr. Seuss Draws Anti-Japanese Cartoons During WWII, Then Atones with Horton Hears a Who!]. For more context, see [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss_Goes_to_War Dr. Seuss Goes to War].


{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
** Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
** This quote has also been attributed to [[Gabriel García Márquez]], in Spanish: &quot;No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió.&quot;
*** Compare lines from ''In Memoriam A.H.H.'' of [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Tennyson]]:&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;'Tis better to have loved and lost&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;Than never to have loved at all.

{{disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* '''Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'''
** [[Bernard Baruch]] in response to a question by [[w:Igor Cassini|Igor Cassini]] as to how he handled the seating arrangements at his dinner parties, as quoted in ''Shake Well Before Using: A New Collection of Impressions and Anecdotes Mostly Humorous'' (1948) by [[w:Bennett Cerf|Bennett Cerf]], p. 249; the full response was &quot;'''I never bother about that. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.'''&quot; This anecdote is also quoted online at [http://www.chiasmus.com/archive/msg00241.html Chiasmus.com]. It has also become part of a larger expression, which has been commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss, even in print, but without citation of a specific work: &quot;'''Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'''&quot;
**&quot;The earliest instance located by [QUOTEINVESTIGATOR.COM] was printed in 1938 in a journal based in London and written for municipal and county engineers. The phrase was used comically to discount the criticisms directed at housing designs. The words were enclosed in quotation marks suggesting that the quip was already known in 1938: Mr. Davies himself admitted that it was highly controversial and open to criticism; but criticism concerned both mind and matter. “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!”&quot; 1938 February 1, The Journal of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, Volume 64, Number 16, Discussion, [Quotation is contained in the remarks of “Mr. Percy Morris (Wakefield)”], Quote Page 1277, Published at the Offices of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, London. (Verified with scans; Thanks to Dennis Lien and the University of Minnesota library system)&quot; 

* You want my [[opinion]]? '''We're all a little weird. And [[life]] is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it [[love]] — true love.'''
** [[Robert Fulghum]] in ''True Love'' (1998). Versions attributed to Dr. Seuss usually run &quot;mutual weirdness&quot;.

* '''Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.'''
** [[Georges Duhamel]] in ''THE HEART'S DOMAIN'' (1919).  As it was composed in French, the wording in English may vary in translation. Theodore Geisel / Dr. Seuss was born in 1904, and would have been about 15 years old at the time that it was published.  The full text can be found at the link below: '''We do not know the true value of our moments until they have undergone the test of memory. Like the images the photographer plunges into a golden bath, our sentiments take on color; and only then, after that recoil and that trans-figuration, do we understand their real meaning and enjoy them in all their tranquil splendor.'''
{{Misattributed end}}

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/testing/html/mss0230d.html Brief biography of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://libraries.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dsads/ The Advertising Artwork of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/ The complete Dr. Seuss editorial cartoons (UC San Diego)]
* [http://www.anapsid.org/aboutmk/seuss.html An essay by Melissa Kaplan]
* [http://www.seussville.com/ Seussville site (Random House)]
* [http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.home.html The Dr. Seuss Web Page]
* [http://www.ksu.edu/english/nelp/seuss/ Dr. Seuss on the web]
* [http://www.archive.org/stream/heartsdomain00duhaiala/heartsdomain00duhaiala_djvu.txt  Full text of the Heart's Domain by Georges Duhamel.]

* {{imdb name|id=0317450|name=Dr. Seuss}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Seuss, Dr.}}
[[Category:Children's authors]]
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[[Category:Anti-fascists]]
[[Category:1904 births]]
[[Category:1991 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
[[Category:United States Army Air Forces people]]
[[Category:Primetime Emmy Award winners]]</text>
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      <text bytes="27307" sha1="sxe3lp8igc2rkxmaq0c2m0z9uxd4a18" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Theodor  Seuss Geisel (01037v).jpg|thumb|From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.]]
'''[[w:Dr. Seuss|Theodor Seuss Geisel]]''' ([[2 March]] [[1904]] – [[24 September]] [[1991]]) was an American  children's author, political cartoonist, illustrator, poet, animator, and filmmaker. He is known for his work writing and illustrating [[w:Dr. Seuss bibliography|more than 60 books]] under the [[w:pen name|pen name]] '''Dr. Seuss'''. His work includes many of the most popular children's books of all time, selling over 600 million copies and being translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death.
[[File:Dr Seuss and the wolf chewed up the children.jpg|thumb|… and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones … But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn’t matter … ]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS 2 crop.jpg|thumb|[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.]]
[[File:Ted Geisel NYWTS.jpg|thumb|&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]&quot;, he thought, &quot;doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;]]

* '''... and the [[wolf]] chewed up the [[children]] and spit out their bones ... But those were ''Foreign Children'' and it really didn't matter ...'''
** Caption to a political cartoon against the &quot;[[w:America First Committee|America First]]&quot; movement, showing children being read a story of &quot;[[Adolf Hitler|Adolf]] the Wolf&quot;, in ''PM Magazine'' (1 October 1941). For more context see:[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/dr-seuss-adolf-wolf/ Another popular rumor was]

* You make 'em, I amuse 'em.
** Statement about [[children]], as quoted in ''Enter, Conversing'' (1962) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 108

* '''[[Nonsense]] wakes up the [[brain]] cells. And it helps develop a sense of [[humor]], which is awfully important in this day and age.''' Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid [[world]]. It's more than just a matter of [[laughing]]. '''If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Author Isn't Just a Cat in the Hat&quot; by Miles Corwin in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (27 November 1983); also in ''Dr. Seuss: American Icon'' (2004) by Philip Nel, p. 38

* When at last we are sure&lt;br&gt;You've been properly pilled,&lt;br&gt;Then a few paper forms&lt;br&gt;Must be properly filled&lt;br&gt;So that you and your heirs&lt;br&gt;May be properly billed.
** ''You're Only Old Once! : A Book for Obsolete Children'' (1986)

* '''You can get help from [[teachers]], but you are going to have to [[learn]] a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.'''
** On becoming a writer, NY Times (May 21, 1986)

* '''Adults are just obsolete [[children]] and the [[hell]] with them.'''
** On writing for adults, as quoted in ''Of Sneetches and Whos and the Good Dr. Seuss: Essays on the Writings and Life of Theodor Geisel'' (1997) by Thomas Fensch, p. 96

===''[[w:And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street|And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street]]'' (1937)===
* And that is a story that no one can beat, &lt;br&gt; When I say that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

===''[[w:Horton Hatches the Egg|Horton Hatches the Egg]]'' (1940)===
* '''I [[Meaning|meant]] what I [[Speech|said]], &lt;br&gt; and I said what I meant &lt;br&gt; An [[elephant]]'s [[faithful]], &lt;br&gt; One hundred percent.'''

===''[[w:Horton Hears a Who!|Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (1954)===
[[File:Sonne hinter Pflanze.jpg|thumb|Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]] &lt;br/&gt; A person's a [[person]], no matter how small!]]

* On the 15th of [[May]], in the Jungle of Nool, &lt;br /&gt; In the heat of the [[day]], in the cool of the pool, &lt;br /&gt; He was splashing... enjoying the jungle's great [[joys]]... &lt;br /&gt; When Horton the [[elephant]] heard a small [[noise]].

* '''A person's a [[person]], no matter how small.'''

* &quot;My [[friends]]!&quot;, cried the elephant. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Tell me! Do tell! &lt;br /&gt; Are you safe? Are you sound? &lt;br /&gt; Are you whole? Are you [[Health|well]]?&quot;

* &quot;You're going to be roped! &lt;br /&gt; And you're going to be caged! &lt;br /&gt; And, as for your dust speck – hah! &lt;br /&gt; That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut Oil!&quot;

* &quot;'''Don't give up! I [[believe]] in you [[all]]. &lt;br /&gt; A person's a person, no matter how small! &lt;br /&gt; And you very small persons will not have to [[die]] &lt;br /&gt; If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!'''&quot;

* &quot;This&quot;, cried the Mayor, &quot;is your town's darkest hour! &lt;br /&gt; The [[time]] for all Whos who have [[blood]] that is red &lt;br /&gt; To come to the aid of their [[country]]!&quot;, he said. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! &lt;br /&gt; '''So, open your mouth, lad! For every [[voice]] counts!'''&quot;

===''[[w:On Beyond Zebra!|On Beyond Zebra!]]'' (1955)===

* '''Oh the things you can find''' &lt;br&gt; '''If you don't stay behind!'''

* '''In the places I go there are things that I see &lt;br/&gt; That I never could spell if I stopped with the Z.''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my [[friends]]. &lt;br/&gt; My alphabet [[starts]] where your alphabet [[ends]]!'''

* '''So, on beyond Z! &lt;br&gt; It's high [[time]] you were shown &lt;br&gt; That you really don't [[know]] &lt;br&gt; [[All]] there is to be known.'''

===''[[w:The Cat in the Hat|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1957)===
[[File:US Navy 020301-N-9573A-002 Read to kids national campaign aboard CVN 73.jpg |thumb|We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!]]

* The [[sun]] did not shine. &lt;br&gt; It was too wet to play. &lt;br&gt; So we sat in the house &lt;br&gt; All that cold, cold, wet [[day]].

* We looked! Then we saw him &lt;br&gt; Step in on the mat! &lt;br&gt; '''We looked! And we saw him! &lt;br&gt; The [[Cat]] in the Hat!'''

===''[[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas!|How the Grinch Stole Christmas!]]'' (1957)===
* '''&quot;Maybe [[Christmas]]...&quot;, he thought, &quot;...Doesn't come from a store.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!&quot;'''

* Well, in Who-ville they say &lt;br&gt; That the Grinch's small [[heart]] &lt;br&gt; Grew 3 sizes that day.

===''[[w:Yertle the Turtle|Yertle the Turtle]]'' (1958)===
* On the the far away meanest island of Sala-ma-Sond, Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond. A vicious-eating little pond. It was lost. Cast off, unloved, unwanted. But it was neat. The water was warm. There was plenty to eat. The turtles are slapped with fish had everything turtles were particularly mean to need. They were all teasing. Quite teasing indeed.

They lied, they stole… until Yertle, the spoiled, selfish, and unkind king of them all, Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small. “I’m ruler”, said Yertle furiously, “of all that I see. But I don’t see enough. That’s the trouble with me. With this stone for a throne, I look down on my pond But I cannot look down on the places beyond. This throne that I sit on is too, too low down. It ought to be higher!” he said with a frown. “If I could sit high and roar, how much greater I’d be! What a king! I’d be screaming ruler of all that I see!”

So Yertle the Turtle King, lifted his hand And Yertle, the Turtle King, gave a command. He ordered nine turtle soldiers to swim to his stone And, using these turtles, he built a new throne. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back And he piled them all up in a nine-turtle stack. And then Yertle climbed up. He sat down on the pile. What a wonderful view! He could see ‘most a mile!

“All mine!” Yertle cried. “Oh, the things I now rule! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house, And, what’s more, beyond that I’m the king of a blueberry bush and a cat! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!”

And all through the morning, he sat up there high Saying over and over, “A great king am I!” Until it was too late, He heard a faint sigh. '''“WHO SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”''' snapped the angry king and turns into fury, growls angrily baring his teeth with the evil thunderclaps, looked down for the first time in the stack. And he is so badly that he saw with the snarl at at the bottom, a whimpering turtle named Mack. Just as worried that a heavy throne is coming. And this poorly little turtle Looked up and crying, “You're fired your temper, King Yertle! You're a very naughty heard that you have your tantrums are so sexy with pains in my back and my shoulders and knees! How dare just being too savage, Your Majesty, please?”

'''“SSSSSSIIIIILLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”''' the mighty King of the Turtles ferociously screams back. '''“I COMMAND AS TEN TIMES THE VERY, VERY, VERY ANGRY KING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!  You could being annoying to get some time! I'm trying to build our army, Mack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”'''
“You'd feel hurt if ya can be replaced while I sit here and rule!!! I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule! I’m the king of a house! And a bush! And a cat! Silence calls me &quot;bugs&quot; in this being a big bully!! Now the Turtles will be here again to say that: '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE MAKES ME A LIAR!!!! I will having a temper tantrum! I’ll let more troubles for more armies To GET EVEN HIGHEEEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'''” his royal alarmed outbursts and voice echoes turns red in savagely thundered, “'''CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I WANT More, More turtles!!!!!!! I'm going to storm out on ’bout be higher hundred!!!!!!!'''”  

“Turtles! Ready to launch on your command, turtles!” he growls and yelled with the bray. Thunder rumbles loudly makes the turtle guards ‘way down in the pond were so mean in fact, that most furiously misbehaved. They snarl, They bared teeth to his anger, But from an army hurt feelings for the throne, They unison obeyed. From all over the pond, they due to his anger marching by dozens. Whole pair of turtle soldiers, swimming with angry sinisters and cousins. And all of them much to anger stepped on the head of poor disappointedly Mack. One after another, they climbed up the stack. (They piled up so high that made Yertle the Angry King bared-teeth, stomping the ground repeatedly makes the shells cracked and they bent! Yertle's roaring in outraged. He is angriest, aggressive screaming with an echo by throwing a temper tantrum '''&quot;I'M ALREADY mostly super-freaking OUT, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED!! FIRED!! FIRED!!! FIRED!!!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!&quot;''' So they did in naughtiness, furiously enough higher they all went.)

Now, Yertle the Cranky Turtle King was perched up so high, He could see forty miles from his throne in the sky! “ We... '''DID IIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!''' Hooray! We did it, we did it! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” shouted Yertle with a laughs evilly fits. “I’m the king of the trees! I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees! I’m king of the butterflies! King of the fireflies! And the air! Ah, That wasn't so bad! What a throne! What a wonderful chair! I’m Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!” 

Then it happened again, from below, in down below the lividly heavy stack, Came a sad, upset and burst into tears, enraged crying from that poorly little turtle named Mack, “THAT'S ENOUGH, Your Majesty!!! It wouldn't dare too much of your king's heart in you!! I guess I don't want any like to complain, You can't ground me, I have feel ashamed than mention that name in my throne, I'm feeling great pain. '''I [[know]] up on top you are seeing great sights, &lt;br&gt; But down here on the bottom, &lt;br&gt; We too should have [[rights]].''' We turtles always be gone. For you, all is lost to kills his true enemy. Our shells will all crack! Besides, It just isn't fair! The faults have split your worried they might cause trouble!” groaned Mack.

“'''YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, ALRIGHT!?!?!?!?!'''” barked the bully temper King Yertle. “You're still grounded to the world’s angriest, nastiest turtle. I'm stomping the ground repeatedly with one foot to rule from the clouds!! Over land!! Over sea!! '''I DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN, no, YOU ARE NOTHING, Never ever was crazy higher than me!!”''' 

But then, while he was more vicious yell with the snarling, he saw with surprised, That the moon of the evening was starting to rise Up over his head in the darkening skies. “'''WHAT'S THAT?!?!?'''” snorted Yertle angrily. “Say, what if it ISN'T that thing That dares to be higher than Yertle the King? '''I HATE IT!!'''  I’ll build my high throne even higher still!! Am I completely fed up for A '''CHALLENGE!?!?!''' I will hurt the high throne, I can and I will! I guess I'm one against an army turtles. I’ll get your stack ‘em  to heaven!!! I always storming out than ’bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!!!!!!” 

But, as Yertle, the Angry Turtle King, throws an his angry tantrum hand And started angrily to order and give the furious command, That poor little turtle below in the stack, That poorly little turtle's voice-breaking whose name was just Mack, Decided he’d taken enough. And he worried that had. And that poorly little lad got a bit mad. And that poorly turns to the plain little Mack’s anger turned to sadness and a tear rolled down that he wish that the new turtle from his very disappointed king. But suddenly, he gets an softly idea, feeling happy with a real thing. He burped, and it worked! His burp shook the throne of the angry king!  

Then, Yertle the Angry Turtle King couldn't stay cross for long of these, Back, back, back through the king of the trees, The king of the air and the birds and the bees, The king of a house and a cow and a mule… Wow! That was the end of the Vicious Turtle King’s rule! For Yertle, the Angry King of all Sala-ma-Sond, Fell off his high throne and fell... Plunk! in the muddy chocolate pond! 

And [[today]] the great Yertle said they were sorry and embarrassed about this temper tantrum, stopped the fish-slapping and started being nice, that Marvelous he, &lt;br&gt; Is King of covered in chocolate having never been more dirty than the Mud. That is all he can see. &lt;br&gt; And the turtles was cleanliness, of course... all the turtles rewarded with a washdown and they're [[free]] &lt;br&gt; As turtles in this case, maybe, [[all]] soldiers should be.

* The End.

===''[[w:One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish|One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish]]'' (1960)===
* '''From there to here, &lt;br&gt; from here to there, &lt;br&gt; [[funny]] things are everywhere.'''

* If you never did &lt;br&gt; You should. &lt;br&gt; These things are fun. &lt;br&gt;and '''[[Fun]] is [[good]].''''

===''[[w:Green Eggs and Ham|Green Eggs and Ham]]'' (1960)===
* '''I am Sam. &lt;br/&gt; Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''That Sam-I-Am!''' &lt;br/&gt; '''I do not like that Sam-I-Am!'''

* I would not like them here or there. &lt;br&gt; I would not like them anywhere. &lt;br&gt; '''I do not like green eggs and ham. &lt;br&gt; I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.'''

* '''Say! &lt;br&gt; I like green eggs and ham! &lt;br&gt; I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am!'''

===''I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew'' (1965)===
* I pulled, pulled, and pulled.  And the next thing I knew,&lt;br/&gt;I was pulling the camel ''and Wubble-Chap too!''&lt;br/&gt;&quot;Now really,&quot; I thought, &quot;this is rather unfair!&quot;&lt;br/&gt;But he said, &quot;Don't you stew.  I am doing my share.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;b&gt;&quot;This is called teamwork.  I furnish the brains.&lt;br/&gt;You furnish the muscles, the aches and the pains.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br/&gt;I'll pick the best roads, tell you just where to go,&lt;br/&gt;And we'll find a good doctor more quickly, you know.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;Then he sat and he worked with his brains and his tongue&lt;br/&gt;And he bossed me around just because I was young.&lt;br/&gt;He told me go left.  Then he told me go right.&lt;br/&gt;And that's what he told me all day and all night.


* A big man on a horse scared me out of my wits.&lt;br/&gt;He bellowed, &quot;I'm General Genghis Kahn Schmitz.&lt;br/&gt;There's a war going on! And it's time that you knew&lt;br/&gt;Every lad in this land has his duty to do.&lt;br/&gt;We're marching to battle.  We need you, my boy!&lt;br/&gt;We're about to attack.  We're about to destroy&lt;br/&gt;The Perilous Poozer of Pompelmoose Pass!&lt;br/&gt;So get into line. You're a Private, First Class.&quot; 


* I'd have no more troubles...&lt;br/&gt;That's what the man said.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;So I started to go.&lt;br/&gt;But I didn't.&lt;br/&gt;Instead ....&lt;br/&gt;I did some quick thinking&lt;br/&gt;Inside of my head.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Then I started back home&lt;br/&gt;To the Valley of Vung.&lt;/br&gt;I know I'll have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get stung.&lt;br/&gt;I'll always have troubles.&lt;br/&gt;I'll maybe get bit&lt;br/&gt;By that Green-Headed Quail&lt;br/&gt;On the place where I sit.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;But I've bought a big bat.&lt;br/&gt;I'm all ready, you see.&lt;br/&gt;Now my troubles are going&lt;br/&gt;To have troubles with ''me!''

===''[[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]'' (1971)===
[[File:Kesseltal-Lonely Tree.jpg|thumb|I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]].]]
[[File:Coconut tree with weird shape at Atlantis.jpg|thumb|UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, &lt;br&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. It's not.]]

* &quot;Mister!&quot; he said with a sawdusty sneeze. &lt;br&gt; '''&quot;I am the Lorax. I speak for the [[trees]]. &lt;br&gt; I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.''' &lt;br&gt; And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs&quot; – &lt;br&gt; He was very upset as he shouted and puffed – &lt;br&gt; &quot;What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?&quot;

* '''I am the Lorax who speaks for the trees, &lt;br&gt; Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please!''' &lt;br&gt; But I'm ''also'' in charge of the brown Bar-ba-loots, &lt;br&gt; Who played in the shade in their Bar-ba-loot suits, &lt;br&gt; And happily lived, eating Truffula fruits. &lt;br&gt; Now, thanks to your hacking my trees to the ground, &lt;br&gt; There's not enough Truffula [[fruit]] to go 'round! &lt;br&gt; And my poor Bar-ba-loots are all getting the crummies &lt;br&gt; Because they have gas, and no [[food]], in their tummies!

* '''UNLESS someone like you &lt;br /&gt; [[cares]] a whole awful lot, &lt;br /&gt; [[nothing]] is going to get better. &lt;br /&gt;It's not. '''

* &quot;So . . . &lt;br&gt; Catch!&quot; calls the Once-ler. &lt;br&gt; He lets something fall. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It's a Truffula Seed. &lt;br&gt; It's the last one of all! &lt;br&gt; You're in charge of the last of the Truffula Seeds. &lt;br&gt; And Truffula Trees are what everyone needs. &lt;br&gt; Plant a new Truffula. Treat it with care. &lt;br&gt; Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. &lt;br&gt; Grow a forest. [[Protect]] it from axes that hack. &lt;br&gt; Then the Lorax &lt;br&gt; and all of his [[friends]] &lt;br&gt; may come back.&quot;

* Now all that was left 'neath the bad-smelling [[sky]] &lt;br&gt; was my big empty factory... &lt;br&gt; the Lorax... &lt;br&gt; and I. &lt;br&gt; The Lorax said [[nothing]]. &lt;br&gt; Just gave me a glance,&lt;br&gt; just gave me a very [[sad]], sad backward glance, &lt;br&gt; as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. &lt;br&gt; And I'll never forget the grim look on his face &lt;br&gt; when he heisted himself and took leave of this place, &lt;br&gt; through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace. &lt;br&gt; And all that the Lorax left here in this mess &lt;br&gt; was a small pile of rocks with the one word: &lt;br&gt; '''UNLESS'''. &lt;br&gt; Whatever ''that'' meant . . . well, I just couldn't guess.

=== ''[[w:Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?|Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?]]'' (1973) ===

* '''It's a troublesome [[world]].''' All the [[people]] who're in it &lt;br /&gt; are troubled with [[troubles]] almost every minute. &lt;br /&gt;  '''You oughta be [[thankful]], a whole heaping lot, &lt;br&gt; For the [[places]] and [[people]] you're [[lucky]] you're ''not!'''''
** The last sentence of this statement is often misquoted as &quot;You oughta be thankful, a whole heaping lot, / For the people and places you're lucky you're ''not!'''&quot;

* And suppose that you lived in that forest in France &lt;br&gt; Where the average young person just hasn't a chance &lt;br&gt; To escape from the perilous pants-eating plants! &lt;br /&gt; But ''your'' pants are safe! '''You're a fortunate guy. &lt;br /&gt;And you ought to be shouting, &quot;How lucky am I!&quot;'''

* '''Thank goodness for all the things you are not!''' &lt;br /&gt; Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot, &lt;br /&gt; and left all alone in some punkerish place &lt;br /&gt; like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space.

* That's why I say, &quot;'''Duckie! &lt;br /&gt; Don’t grumble! Don’t stew! &lt;br /&gt; Some critters are much-much, &lt;br /&gt; oh, ever so much-much, &lt;br /&gt; so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!'''&quot;

=== ''[[w:I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!|I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!]]'' (1978) ===
* '''The more that you [[read]], &lt;br&gt; The more things you will [[know]]. &lt;br&gt; The more that you learn, &lt;br&gt; The more places you'll go.'''

* Young [[cat]]! If you keep &lt;br&gt; Your [[eyes]] open enough, &lt;br&gt; Oh, the stuff you will [[learn]]! &lt;br&gt; The most wonderful stuff!

* you'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut

=== ''[[w:Oh, the Places You'll Go!|Oh, the Places You'll Go!]]'' (1990) ===
[[File:Seuss Landing.jpg |thumb|When things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!]]

* '''You have [[brains]] in your head. &lt;br&gt; You have feet in your shoes. &lt;br&gt; You can steer yourself &lt;br&gt; any direction you choose.'''

* With your head full of brains, &lt;br&gt;and your shoes full of feet, &lt;br&gt; You're too smart to go down any not-so-good-street.

* Out there things can happen, and frequently do, &lt;br&gt; To people as brainy and footsy as you. &lt;br&gt; '''And when things start to happen, don't worry, don't stew. &lt;br&gt; Just go right along, you'll start happening too!'''

* You're off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.

== Miscellaneous ==

* [...] right now, when the [[Japanese|Japs]] are planting their hatchets in our skulls, it seems like a hell of a time for us to smile and warble: “Brothers!” It is a rather flabby [[battle]] cry. If we want to win, we've got to [[kill]] Japs, whether it depresses [[w:John Haynes Holmes|John Haynes Holmes]] or not. We can get  [[wiktionary:palsy-walsy|palsy-walsy]] afterward with those that are left.
** Commenting his [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Seuss_cartoon.png patriotic editorial cartoon in 1942 in the New York newspaper PM]. Source: [https://www.openculture.com/2014/08/dr-seuss-draws-racist-anti-japanese-cartoons-during-ww-ii.html Dr. Seuss Draws Anti-Japanese Cartoons During WWII, Then Atones with Horton Hears a Who!]. For more context, see [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss_Goes_to_War Dr. Seuss Goes to War].


{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
** Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
** This quote has also been attributed to [[Gabriel García Márquez]], in Spanish: &quot;No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió.&quot;
*** Compare lines from ''In Memoriam A.H.H.'' of [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Tennyson]]:&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;'Tis better to have loved and lost&lt;br&gt;&amp;emsp;&amp;emsp;Than never to have loved at all.

{{disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* '''Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'''
** [[Bernard Baruch]] in response to a question by [[w:Igor Cassini|Igor Cassini]] as to how he handled the seating arrangements at his dinner parties, as quoted in ''Shake Well Before Using: A New Collection of Impressions and Anecdotes Mostly Humorous'' (1948) by [[w:Bennett Cerf|Bennett Cerf]], p. 249; the full response was &quot;'''I never bother about that. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.'''&quot; This anecdote is also quoted online at [http://www.chiasmus.com/archive/msg00241.html Chiasmus.com]. It has also become part of a larger expression, which has been commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss, even in print, but without citation of a specific work: &quot;'''Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'''&quot;
**&quot;The earliest instance located by [QUOTEINVESTIGATOR.COM] was printed in 1938 in a journal based in London and written for municipal and county engineers. The phrase was used comically to discount the criticisms directed at housing designs. The words were enclosed in quotation marks suggesting that the quip was already known in 1938: Mr. Davies himself admitted that it was highly controversial and open to criticism; but criticism concerned both mind and matter. “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!”&quot; 1938 February 1, The Journal of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, Volume 64, Number 16, Discussion, [Quotation is contained in the remarks of “Mr. Percy Morris (Wakefield)”], Quote Page 1277, Published at the Offices of the Institution of Municipal &amp; County Engineers, London. (Verified with scans; Thanks to Dennis Lien and the University of Minnesota library system)&quot; 

* You want my [[opinion]]? '''We're all a little weird. And [[life]] is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it [[love]] — true love.'''
** [[Robert Fulghum]] in ''True Love'' (1998). Versions attributed to Dr. Seuss usually run &quot;mutual weirdness&quot;.

* '''Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.'''
** [[Georges Duhamel]] in ''THE HEART'S DOMAIN'' (1919).  As it was composed in French, the wording in English may vary in translation. Theodore Geisel / Dr. Seuss was born in 1904, and would have been about 15 years old at the time that it was published.  The full text can be found at the link below: '''We do not know the true value of our moments until they have undergone the test of memory. Like the images the photographer plunges into a golden bath, our sentiments take on color; and only then, after that recoil and that trans-figuration, do we understand their real meaning and enjoy them in all their tranquil splendor.'''
{{Misattributed end}}

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/testing/html/mss0230d.html Brief biography of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://libraries.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dsads/ The Advertising Artwork of Dr. Seuss (UC San Diego)]
* [http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/ The complete Dr. Seuss editorial cartoons (UC San Diego)]
* [http://www.anapsid.org/aboutmk/seuss.html An essay by Melissa Kaplan]
* [http://www.seussville.com/ Seussville site (Random House)]
* [http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.home.html The Dr. Seuss Web Page]
* [http://www.ksu.edu/english/nelp/seuss/ Dr. Seuss on the web]
* [http://www.archive.org/stream/heartsdomain00duhaiala/heartsdomain00duhaiala_djvu.txt  Full text of the Heart's Domain by Georges Duhamel.]

* {{imdb name|id=0317450|name=Dr. Seuss}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Seuss, Dr.}}
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[[Category:Anti-fascists]]
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      <text bytes="48919" sha1="9egqgh3q01jammngt6qv5jzjvqh787x" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John Keats by William Hilton.jpg|thumb|right|The genius of poetry must work out its own salvation in a man; it cannot be matured by law and precept, but by sensation and watchfulness in itself.]]
'''[[w:John Keats|John Keats]]''' ([[October 31]], [[1795]] – [[February 23]], [[1821]]) was one of the principal poets of the English [[w:Romanticism|Romantic]] movement.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Keats19.jpg|thumb|right|Each imagin'd pinnacle and steep&lt;br /&gt;Of godlike hardship tells me I must die&lt;br /&gt;Like a sick Eagle looking at the sky.]]
[[File:John Keats by Benjamin Robert Haydon.jpg|thumb|right|On the shore&lt;br /&gt;Of the wide world I stand alone, and think&lt;br /&gt;Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.]]

* Sweet are the pleasures that to verse belong,&lt;br /&gt;And doubly sweet a brotherhood in song.
** [http://www.bartleby.com/126/11.html &quot;To George Felton Mathew&quot;] (November 1815)

* '''My spirit is too weak — mortality&lt;br /&gt;Weighs heavily on me like unwilling sleep''',&lt;br /&gt;And each imagin'd pinnacle and steep&lt;br /&gt;Of godlike hardship tells me I must die&lt;br /&gt;Like a sick Eagle looking at the sky.
** &quot;[[s:On Seeing the Elgin Marbles|On Seeing the Elgin Marbles]]&quot; (1817)

* In drear-nighted December,&lt;br /&gt;Too happy, happy tree,&lt;br /&gt;Thy branches ne'er remember&lt;br /&gt;Their green felicity.
** &quot;[[s:In drear-nighted December|In drear-nighted December]]' (1817), st. 1

* But were there ever any&lt;br /&gt;Writh'd not of passed joy?&lt;br /&gt;The feel of not to feel it,&lt;br /&gt;When there is none to heal it,&lt;br /&gt;Nor numbed sense to steel it,&lt;br /&gt;Was never said in rhyme.
** &quot;Stanzas&quot;, st. 3

* It keeps eternal whisperings around&lt;br /&gt;Desolate shores, and with its mighty swell&lt;br /&gt;Gluts twice ten thousand Caverns, till the spell&lt;br /&gt;Of Hecate leaves them their old shadowy sound.
** &quot;[[s:On the Sea|On the Sea]]&quot; (1817)

* When I have fears that I may cease to be&lt;br /&gt;Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,&lt;br /&gt;Before high piled books, in charact'ry,&lt;br /&gt;Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;&lt;br /&gt;When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,&lt;br /&gt;Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,&lt;br /&gt;And think that I may never live to trace&lt;br /&gt;Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;&lt;br /&gt;And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!&lt;br /&gt;That I shall never look upon thee more,&lt;br /&gt;Never have relish in the faery power&lt;br /&gt;Of unreflecting love! — then on the shore&lt;br /&gt;Of the wide world I stand alone, and think&lt;br /&gt;Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.
** &quot;[[s:When I have fears that I may cease to be|When I have fears that I may cease to be]]&quot; (1817)

* '''Shed no tear! O shed no tear!&lt;br /&gt;The flower will bloom another year.'''&lt;br /&gt;Weep no more! O weep no more!&lt;br /&gt;Young buds sleep in the root's white core.
** &quot;Faery Songs&quot;, I (1818)

* This living hand, now [[warm]] and capable&lt;br /&gt;Of earnest grasping, would, if it were cold&lt;br /&gt;And in the icy silence of the tomb,&lt;br /&gt;So haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights&lt;br /&gt;That thou wouldst wish thine own heart dry of blood&lt;br /&gt;So in my veins red life might stream again,&lt;br /&gt;And thou be conscience-calm'd — see here it is —&lt;br /&gt;I hold it towards you.
** &quot;[[s:This living hand|This living hand]]&quot; (1819)

* Bright star! would I were stedfast as thou art-&lt;br /&gt;Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night&lt;br /&gt;And watching with eternal lids apart,&lt;br /&gt;Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,&lt;br /&gt;The moving waters at their priestlike task&lt;br /&gt;Of pure ablution round earth's human shores.
** &quot;[[s:Bright Star|Bright Star]]&quot; (1819)

* None can usurp this height...&lt;br /&gt;But those to whom the miseries of the world&lt;br /&gt;Are misery, and will not let them rest.
** &quot;[[s:The Fall of Hyperion: A Dream|The Fall of Hyperion: A Dream]]&quot; (1819), Canto I, l. 147

* To his sight&lt;br /&gt;The husk of natural objects opens quite&lt;br /&gt;To the core; and every secret essence there&lt;br /&gt;Reveals the elements of good and fair;&lt;br /&gt;Making him see, where Learning hath no light.
**  &quot;The Poet,&quot; ''London Magazine'' (Oct 1821)

[[File:John Keats Tombstone in Rome 01.jpg|thumb|Here lies one whose name was writ in water.]]
* '''Here lies one whose name was writ in water.'''
** Epitaph for himself (1821)

* My chest of books divide amongst my friends.
** Keats' last poem which doubled as his last will and testament

* Nought but a lovely sighing of the wind&lt;br /&gt;Along the reedy stream; a half-heard strain,&lt;br /&gt;Full of sweet desolation—balmy pain.
** ''I stood tip-toe upon a little Hill''; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)

* The sweet converse of an innocent mind.
** ''Sonnet'', ''To Solitude''; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)

* The day is gone, and all its sweets are gone!&lt;br /&gt;Sweet voice, sweet lips, soft hand, and softer breast.
** ''Sonnet'', ''The Day is gone''; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)

=== Letters (1817–1820) ===
* I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the truth of imagination — what the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth — whether it existed before or not.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (November 22, 1817)

* The imagination may be compared to Adam's dream — he awoke and found it truth.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (November 22, 1817)

* O for a life of Sensations rather than of Thoughts!
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (November 22, 1817)

* I scarcely remember counting upon happiness — I look not for it if it be not in the present hour — nothing startles me beyond the moment. The setting sun will always set me to rights, or if a sparrow come before my Window I take part in its existence and pick about the gravel.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (November 22, 1817)

* The excellency of every art is its intensity, capable of making all disagreeables evaporate, from their being in close relationship with beauty and truth.
** Letter to G. and F. Keats (December 21, 1817)

* At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously — I mean ''negative capability'', that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.
** Letter to George and Thomas Keats (December 22, 1817)

* They will explain themselves — as all poems should do without any comment.
** Letter to George Keats (1818)

* Works of genius are the first things in this world.
** Letter to G. and F. Keats (January 13, 1818)

* Nothing is finer for the purposes of great productions than a very gradual ripening of the intellectual powers.
**  Letter to his brother, (January 23, 1818)

*'''Poetry should be great and unobtrusive, a thing which enters into one's soul, and does not startle it or amaze it with itself, but with its subject.'''
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (February 3, 1818)

* We hate poetry that has a palpable design upon us — and if we do not agree, seems to put its hand in its breeches pocket. Poetry should be great and unobtrusive, a thing which enters into one's soul, and does not startle or amaze with itself, but with its subject.
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (February 3, 1818)

* '''Many have original minds who do not think it — they are led away by custom — Now it appears to me that almost any man may like the spider spin from his own inwards his own citadel.'''
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (February 19, 1818)

[[File:John Keats, portrait by Joseph Severn.jpg|thumb|If [[Poetry]] comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree it had better not come at all.]]
* In Poetry I have a few axioms, and you will see how far I am from their centre. I think Poetry should surprise by a fine excess and not by singularity — it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts, and appear almost a remembrance — Its touches of Beauty should never be halfway thereby making the reader breathless instead of content: the rise, the progress, the setting of imagery should like the Sun come natural to him — shine over him and set soberly although in magnificence leaving him in the luxury of twilight — but it is easier to think what Poetry should be than to write it — and this leads me on to another axiom. That if Poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree it had better not come at all.
** Letter to John Taylor (February 27, 1818)

* Scenery is fine — but human nature is finer.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (March 13, 1818)

* Every mental pursuit takes its reality and worth from the ardour of the pursuer.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (March 13, 1818)

* Axioms in philosophy are not axioms until they are proved upon our pulses: we read fine things but never feel them to the full until we have gone the same steps as the author.
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (May 3, 1818)

* I compare human life to a large mansion of many apartments, two of which I can only describe, the doors of the rest being as yet shut upon me.
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (May 3, 1818)

* I am certain I have not a right feeling towards women - at this moment I am striving to be just to them, but I cannot. Is it because they fall so far beneath my boyish imagination? When I was a schoolboy I thought a fair woman a pure Goddess; my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept, though she knew it not.
** Letter to Benjamin Bailey (July 18, 1818)

* There is an awful warmth about my heart like a load of immortality.
** Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (September 22, 1818)

* I begin to get a little acquainted with my own strength and weakness. Praise or blame has but a momentary effect on the man whose love of beauty in the abstract makes him a severe critic on his own works.
** Letter to James Hessey (October 9, 1818)

* I have written independently ''without Judgment''. I may write independently, and ''with Judgment'', hereafter. '''The Genius of Poetry must work out its own salvation in a man: It cannot be matured by law and precept, but by sensation and watchfulness in itself''' — That which is creative must create itself — In Endymion, I leaped headlong into the sea, and thereby have become better acquainted with the Soundings, the quicksands, and the rocks, than if I had stayed upon the green shore, and piped a, silly pipe, and took tea and comfortable advice. '''I was never afraid of failure; for I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest.'''
** Letter to James Hessey (October 9, 1818)

* I think I shall be among the English Poets after my death.
** Letter to George and Georgiana Keats (October 14, 1818)

* '''The poetical character'''... is not itself — it has no self — it is every thing and nothing — It has no character — it enjoys light and shade; it lives in gusto, be it fair or foul, high or low, rich or poor, mean or elevated. — It has as much delight in conceiving an Iago as an Imogen. What shocks the virtuous philospher, delights the camelion poet.
** Letter to Richard Woodhouse (October 27, 1818)

* '''A poet is the most unpoetical of anything in existence; because he has no identity''' — he is continually informing — and filling some other body.
** Letter to Richard Woodhouse (October 27, 1818)

* '''A man's life of any worth is a continual allegory — and very few eyes can see the mystery of life''' — a life like the Scriptures, figurative... Lord Byron cuts a figure, but he is not figurative. '''[[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] led a life of allegory: his works are the comments on it.'''
** Letter to George and Georgiana Keats (February 14 - May 3, 1819)

* '''Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced''' — Even a proverb is no proverb to you till your Life has illustrated it.
** Letter to George and Georgiana Keats (February 14-May 3, 1819)

* I myself am pursuing the same instinctive course as the veriest human animal you can think of — I am, however young, writing at random — straining at particles of light in the midst of a great darkness — without knowing the bearing of any one assertion, of any one opinion. Yet may I not in this be free from sin?
** Letter to George and Georgiana Keats (March 19, 1819)

* Call the world if you please &quot;The vale of soul-making.&quot;
** Letter to George and Georgiana Keats (April 21, 1819)

* I have two luxuries to brood over in my walks, your loveliness and the hour of my death. O that I could have possession of them both in the same minute.
** To Fanny Brawne (July 25, 1819)

* I have nothing to speak of but my self-and what can I say but what I feel
**Letter to John Hamilton Reynolds (August 24, 1819)

* '''Some think I have lost that poetical ardour and fire 'tis said I once had- the fact is, perhaps I have; but, instead of that, I hope I shall substitute a more thoughtful and quiet power.'''
** Letter to George Keats (September 21, 1819)

*  I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion – I have shudder’d at it – I shudder no more – I could be martyr’d for my Religion – Love is my religion – I could die for that – I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet.
** To Fanny Brawne (13 October 1820)

* &quot;If I should die,&quot; said I to myself, &quot;I have left no immortal work behind me — nothing to make my friends proud of my memory — but '''I have loved the principle of beauty in all things, and if I had had time I would have made myself remembered.'''&quot;
** To Fanny Brawne (c. February 1820)

* You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest.
** Letter to Fanny Brawne (March 1820)

* You might curb your magnanimity, and be more of an artist, and load every rift of your subject with ore.
** Letter to [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]] (August 1820)

* I can scarcely bid you good-bye, even in a letter. I always made an awkward bow. God bless you!
** Letter to Charles Armitage Brown (November 30, 1820)

=== ''Poems'' (1817) ===
* I stood tip-toe upon a little hill,&lt;br /&gt;The air was cooling, and so very still,&lt;br /&gt;That the sweet buds which with a modest pride&lt;br /&gt;Pull droopingly, in slanting curve aside,&lt;br /&gt;Their scantly leaved, and finely tapering stems,&lt;br /&gt;Had not yet lost those starry diadems&lt;br /&gt;Caught from the early sobbing of the morn.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/2.html I Stood Tiptoe]&quot;, l. 1

* And then there crept&lt;br /&gt;A little noiseless noise among the leaves,&lt;br /&gt;Born of the very sigh that silence heaves.
** &quot;I Stood Tiptoe&quot;, l. 10

* Open afresh your round of starry folds,&lt;br /&gt;Ye ardent marigolds!
** &quot;I Stood Tiptoe&quot;, l. 47

* Why, you might read two sonnets, ere they reach&lt;br /&gt;To where the hurrying freshnesses aye preach&lt;br /&gt;A natural sermon o'er their pebbly beds;&lt;br /&gt;Where swarms of minnows show their little heads,&lt;br /&gt;Staying their wavy bodies ’gainst the streams,&lt;br /&gt;To taste the luxury of sunny beams&lt;br /&gt;Temper’d with coolness.
** &quot;I Stood Tiptoe&quot;, l. 72

* Sometimes goldfinches one by one will drop&lt;br /&gt;From low hung branches; little space they stop;&lt;br /&gt;But sip, and twitter, and their feathers sleek;&lt;br /&gt;Then off at once, as in a wanton freak:&lt;br /&gt;Or perhaps, to show their black, and golden wings&lt;br /&gt;Pausing upon their yellow flutterings.
** &quot;I Stood Tiptoe&quot;, l. 87

* Woman! when I behold thee flippant, vain,&lt;br /&gt;Inconstant, childish, proud, and full of fancies.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/10.html Woman! When I Behold Thee Flippant, Vain]&quot;, st. 1

* To one who has been long in city pent,&lt;br /&gt;’Tis very sweet to look into the fair&lt;br /&gt;And open face of heaven.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/23.html Sonnet. To One Who Has Been Long in City Pent]&quot;

* E’en like the passage of an angel’s tear&lt;br /&gt;That falls through the clear ether silently.
** &quot;Sonnet. To One Who Has Been Long in City Pent&quot;

* '''Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold,&lt;br /&gt;And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;&lt;br /&gt;Round many western islands have I been&lt;br /&gt;Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.'''&lt;br /&gt;Oft of one wide expanse had I been told&lt;br /&gt;That deep-brow'd Homer ruled as his demesne,&lt;br /&gt;Yet did I never breathe its pure serene&lt;br /&gt;Till I heard [[George Chapman|Chapman]] speak out loud and bold:&lt;br /&gt;Then felt I like some watcher of the skies&lt;br /&gt;When a new planet swims into his ken;&lt;br /&gt;Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes&lt;br /&gt;He stared at the Pacific, and all his men&lt;br /&gt;Look'd at each other with a wild surmise,&lt;br /&gt;Silent, upon a peak in Darien.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/24.html On First Looking into Chapman's Homer]&quot;

* And other spirits there are standing apart&lt;br /&gt;Upon the forehead of the age to come;&lt;br /&gt;These, these will give the world another heart,&lt;br /&gt;And other pulses. Hear ye not the hum&lt;br /&gt;Of mighty workings in a distant mart?&lt;br /&gt;Listen awhile ye nations, and be dumb.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/27.html Sonnet. Addressed to the Same]&quot; (Benjamin Robert Haydon)

* The poetry of earth is never dead.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/28.html Sonnet. On the Grasshopper and the Cricket]&quot;

* Stop and consider! life is but a day;&lt;br /&gt;A fragile dew-drop on its perilous way&lt;br /&gt;From a tree's summit.
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/31.html Sleep and Poetry]&quot;, st. 5

* O for ten years, that I may overwhelm&lt;br /&gt;Myself in poesy; so I may do the deed&lt;br /&gt;That my own soul has to itself decreed.
** &quot;Sleep and Poetry&quot;, st. 6

* A drainless shower&lt;br /&gt;Of light is poesy; ’tis the supreme of power;&lt;br /&gt;’Tis might half slumb’ring on its own right arm.
** &quot;Sleep and Poetry&quot;, st. 11

* But strength alone though of the Muses born&lt;br /&gt;Is like a fallen angel: trees uptorn,&lt;br /&gt;[[Darkness]], and [[worms]], and shrouds, and sepulchres&lt;br /&gt;Delight it; for it feeds upon the burrs,&lt;br /&gt;And thorns of life; forgetting the great end&lt;br /&gt;Of poesy, that it should be a friend&lt;br /&gt;To sooth the cares, and lift the thoughts of man.
** &quot;Sleep and Poetry&quot;, st. 11

=== ''[[w:Endymion (poem)|Endymion]]'' (1818) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Endymion (Keats)|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Endymion.JPG|thumb|A thing of [[beauty]] is a joy forever:&lt;br /&gt;Its loveliness increases; it will never&lt;br /&gt;Pass into nothingness.]]
[[File:Hans Thoma Endymion 1886.jpg|thumb|In spite of all, &lt;br /&gt; Some shape of [[beauty]] moves away the pall &lt;br /&gt; From our [[dark]] [[spirits]].]]
[[File:Girodet - Sommeil Endymion.jpg|thumb|Whether there be shine, or gloom o'ercast,&lt;br /&gt;They alway must be with us, or we die.]] 
[[File:Pier Francesco Mola - Diane and Endymion - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|O magic sleep! O comfortable bird,&lt;br /&gt;That broodest o'er the troubled sea of the mind&lt;br /&gt;Till it is hush'd and smooth!]]
[[File:Wood, John - Endymion - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Time, that aged nurse,&lt;br /&gt;Rocked me to patience.]]
[[File:The Sleep of Endymion (Circle of Anne-Louis Girodet-Trioson).jpg|thumb|Wherein lies happiness? In that which becks&lt;br /&gt;Our ready minds to fellowship divine,&lt;br /&gt;A fellowship with essence; till we shine,&lt;br /&gt;Full alchemiz'd, and free of space. Behold&lt;br /&gt;The clear religion of heaven!]] 

* '''There is not a fiercer hell than the failure in a great object.'''
** Preface

* The imagination of a boy is healthy, and the mature imagination of a man is healthy; but there is a space of life between, in which the soul is in a ferment, the character undecided, the way of life uncertain, the ambition thicksighted: thence proceeds mawkishness, and the thousand bitters which those men I speak of must necessarily taste in going over the following pages.
** Preface

* '''A thing of beauty is a joy forever:&lt;br /&gt;Its loveliness increases; it will never&lt;br /&gt;Pass into nothingness'''; but still will keep&lt;br /&gt;A bower quiet for us, and a sleep&lt;br /&gt;Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
** Bk. I, l. 1

* '''In spite of all,&lt;br /&gt;Some shape of beauty moves away the pall&lt;br /&gt;From our dark spirits.'''
** Bk. I, l. 11

* And such too is the grandeur of the dooms&lt;br /&gt;We have imagined for the mighty dead;&lt;br /&gt;All lovely tales that we have heard or read:&lt;br /&gt;An endless fountain of immortal drink,&lt;br /&gt;Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.
** Bk. I, l. 20

* Nor do we merely feel these essences&lt;br /&gt;For one short hour; no, even as the trees&lt;br /&gt;That whisper round a temple become soon&lt;br /&gt;Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,&lt;br /&gt;The passion poesy, glories infinite,&lt;br /&gt;Haunt us till they become a cheering light&lt;br /&gt;Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast,&lt;br /&gt;That, '''whether there be shine, or gloom o'ercast,&lt;br /&gt;They alway must be with us, or we die.'''
** Bk. I, l. 25

* O magic sleep! O comfortable bird,&lt;br /&gt;That broodest o'er the troubled sea of the mind&lt;br /&gt;Till it is hush'd and smooth!
** Bk. I, l. 453

* Time, that aged nurse,&lt;br /&gt;Rocked me to patience.
** Bk. I, l. 705

* '''Wherein lies happiness? In that which becks&lt;br /&gt;Our ready minds to fellowship divine,&lt;br /&gt;A fellowship with essence; till we shine,&lt;br /&gt;Full alchemiz'd, and free of space. Behold&lt;br /&gt;The clear religion of heaven!'''
** Bk. I, l. 777

* '''Ghosts of melodious prophesyings rave &lt;br /&gt; Round every spot where trod Apollo's foot'''; &lt;br /&gt; Bronze clarions awake, and faintly bruit, &lt;br /&gt; Where long ago a giant battle was; &lt;br /&gt; And, from the turf, a lullaby doth pass &lt;br /&gt; In every place where infant Orpheus slept. &lt;br /&gt; '''Feel we these things? — that moment have we stept &lt;br /&gt; Into a sort of oneness, and our state &lt;br /&gt; Is like a floating spirit's.''' But there are &lt;br /&gt; Richer entanglements, enthralments far &lt;br /&gt; More self-destroying, leading, by degrees, &lt;br /&gt; To the chief intensity: '''the crown of these &lt;br /&gt; Is made of love and friendship, and sits high &lt;br /&gt; Upon the forehead of humanity.'''
** Bk. I, l. 789

* My restless spirit never could endure&lt;br /&gt;To brood so long upon one luxury,&lt;br /&gt;Unless it did, though fearfully, espy&lt;br /&gt;A hope beyond the shadow of a dream.
** Bk. I, l. 854

* Pleasure is oft a visitant; but pain&lt;br /&gt;Clings cruelly to us.
** Bk. I, l. 906

* '''He ne'er is crown'd&lt;br /&gt;With immortality, who fears to follow &lt;br /&gt; Where airy voices lead.'''
** Bk. II, l. 211

* 'Tis the pest&lt;br /&gt;Of love, that fairest joys give most unrest.
** Bk. II, l. 365

* To Sorrow&lt;br /&gt;I bade good-morrow,&lt;br /&gt;And thought to leave her far away behind;&lt;br /&gt;But cheerly, cheerly,&lt;br /&gt;She loves me dearly;&lt;br /&gt;She is so constant to me, and so kind:&lt;br /&gt;I would deceive her&lt;br /&gt;And so leave her,&lt;br /&gt;But ah! she is so constant and so kind.
** Bk. IV, l. 173

* So many, and so many, and such glee.
** Bk. IV

=== ''[[w:La Belle Dame sans Merci|La Belle Dame sans Merci]]'' (1819) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:La Belle Dame sans Merci|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* O, what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,&lt;br /&gt;Alone and palely loitering?&lt;br /&gt;The sedge has wither'd from the lake,&lt;br /&gt;And no birds sing.
** Stanza I

* I met a lady in the meads,&lt;br /&gt;Full beautiful — a faery's child,&lt;br /&gt;Her hair was long, her foot was light,&lt;br /&gt;And her eyes were wild.
** Stanza IV

* I made a garland for her head,&lt;br /&gt;And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;&lt;br /&gt;She look'd at me as she did love,&lt;br /&gt;And made sweet moan.
** Stanza V

* I saw pale kings and princes too,&lt;br /&gt;Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;&lt;br /&gt;They cried- &quot;La Belle Dame sans Merci&lt;br /&gt;Hath thee in thrall!&quot;
** Stanza X

=== ''[[w:Hyperion (poem)|Hyperion: A Fragment]]'' (1819) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Hyperion (Keats)|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* Deep in the shady sadness of a vale&lt;br /&gt;Far sunken from the healthy breath of morn,&lt;br /&gt;Far from the fiery noon, and eve's one star,&lt;br /&gt;Sat gray-hair'd Saturn, quiet as a stone,&lt;br /&gt;Still as the silence round about his lair;&lt;br /&gt;Forest on forest hung about his head&lt;br /&gt;Like cloud on cloud.
** Bk. I, l. 1

* That large utterance of the early gods!
** Bk. I

* As when, upon a tranced summer-night,&lt;br /&gt;Those green-rob'd senators of mighty woods,&lt;br /&gt;Tall [[oaks]], branch-charmed by the earnest stars,&lt;br /&gt;Dream, and so dream all night without a stir,&lt;br /&gt;Save from one gradual solitary gust&lt;br /&gt;Which comes upon the silence, and dies off,&lt;br /&gt;As if the ebbing air had but one wave.
** Bk. I, l. 72

* The days of peace and slumberous calm are fled.
** Bk. II

* '''[[Now]] comes the [[pain]] of [[truth]], to whom 'tis pain; &lt;br /&gt; O [[folly]]! for to bear [[all]] naked truths, &lt;br /&gt; And to envisage [[circumstance]], all [[calm]], &lt;br /&gt; That is the top of [[sovereignty]]''' Mark well.
** Bk. II, l. 202

* Knowledge enormous makes a God of me.
** Bk. III, l. 113

=== ''Poems'' (1820) ===
*And for her eyes: what could such eyes do there &lt;br /&gt; But weep, and weep, that they were born so fair?
** &quot;[[s:Lamia|Lamia]]&quot;, Pt. I, l. 61

* Love in a hut, with water and a crust,&lt;br /&gt;Is — Love, forgive us! — cinders, ashes, dust.
** &quot;Lamia&quot;, Pt. II, l. 1

* There was an awful rainbow once in heaven:&lt;br /&gt;We know her woof, her texture; she is given&lt;br /&gt;In the dull catalogue of common things.&lt;br /&gt;Philosophy will clip an Angel's wings,&lt;br /&gt;Conquer all mysteries by rule and line,&lt;br /&gt;Empty the haunted air, and gnomed mine — &lt;br /&gt;Unweave a rainbow, as it erewhile made&lt;br /&gt;The tender-person'd [[w:Lamia|Lamia]] melt into a shade.
** &quot;Lamia&quot;, Pt. II, l. 229

* “For cruel ’tis,” said she,&lt;br /&gt;“To steal my Basil-pot away from me.”
** &quot;[[s:Isabella|Isabella; or, The Pot of Basil]]&quot;, st. 62

* So let me be thy choir, and make a moan&lt;br /&gt;Upon the midnight hours
** &quot;[[s:Ode to Psyche|Ode to Psyche]]&quot;, st. 3

* And there shall be for thee all soft delight&lt;br /&gt;That shadowy thought can win,&lt;br /&gt;A bright torch, and a casement ope at night,&lt;br /&gt;To let the warm Love in!
** &quot;Ode to Psyche&quot;, st. 5

*Ever let the Fancy roam,&lt;br /&gt;Pleasure never is at home.
** &quot;[[s:Fancy|Fancy]]&quot;, l. 1

* Bards of Passion and of Mirth,&lt;br /&gt;Ye have left your souls on earth!&lt;br /&gt;Have ye souls in heaven too,&lt;br /&gt;Double-lived in regions new?
** &quot;[http://www.bartleby.com/126/44.html Ode]&quot;, The Fair Maid of the Inn

* Souls of Poets dead and gone,&lt;br /&gt;What Elysium have ye known,&lt;br /&gt;Happy field or mossy cavern,&lt;br /&gt;Choicer than the Mermaid Tavern?
** &quot;[[s:Lines on the Mermaid Tavern|Lines on the Mermaid Tavern]]&quot;, l. 1–4

* '''Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, &lt;br /&gt; Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun; &lt;br /&gt; Conspiring with him how to load and bless &lt;br /&gt; With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run'''; &lt;br /&gt; To bend with apples the moss'd cottage-trees, &lt;br /&gt; And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core; &lt;br /&gt; To swell the ground, and plump the hazel shells &lt;br /&gt; With a sweet kernel; to set budding more, &lt;br /&gt; And still more, later flowers for the bees, &lt;br /&gt; Until they think warm days will never cease, &lt;br /&gt; For Summer has o'er-brimm'd their clammy cells.
** &quot;[[s:To Autumn|To Autumn]]&quot;, st. 1

* '''Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?''' &lt;br /&gt;Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find&lt;br /&gt;Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,&lt;br /&gt;Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;&lt;br /&gt;Or on a half-reap'd furrow sound asleep,&lt;br /&gt;Drows'd with the fume of poppies, while thy hook&lt;br /&gt;Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers.
** &quot;To Autumn&quot;, st. 2

* Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn&lt;br /&gt;Among the river sallows, borne aloft&lt;br /&gt;Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies.
** &quot;To Autumn&quot;, st. 3

* '''No, no, go not to [[w:Lethe|Lethe]]''', neither twist&lt;br /&gt;Wolfs-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;&lt;br /&gt;Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss'd&lt;br /&gt;By nightshade.
** &quot;[[s:Ode on Melancholy|Ode on Melancholy]]&quot;, st. 1

* But when the melancholy fit shall fall&lt;br /&gt;Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,&lt;br /&gt;That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,&lt;br /&gt;And hides the green hill in an April shroud;&lt;br /&gt;Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose.
** &quot;Ode on Melancholy&quot;, st. 2

* She dwells with Beauty — Beauty that must die;&lt;br /&gt;And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips&lt;br /&gt;Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,&lt;br /&gt;Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips.&lt;br /&gt;Ay, in the very temple of Delight&lt;br /&gt;Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,&lt;br /&gt;Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue&lt;br /&gt;Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;&lt;br /&gt;His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,&lt;br /&gt;And be among her cloudy trophies hung.
** &quot;Ode on Melancholy&quot;, st. 3

==== ''The Eve of St. Agnes'' ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:The Eve of St. Agnes|The Eve of St. Agnes]]&lt;/small&gt;
* St. Agnes' Eve — Ah, bitter chill it was!&lt;br /&gt;The owl, for all his feathers, was a-cold;&lt;br /&gt;The hare limp'd trembling through the frozen grass,&lt;br /&gt;And silent was the flock in woolly fold.
** Stanza 1

* Music's golden tongue&lt;br /&gt;Flatter'd to tears this aged man and poor.
** Stanza 3

* The silver snarling trumpets 'gan to chide.
** Stanza 4

* The music, yearning like a God in pain.
** Stanza 7

* Asleep in lap of legends old.
** Stanza 15

* Sudden a thought came like a full-blown rose,&lt;br /&gt;Flushing his brow, and in his pained heart&lt;br /&gt;Made purple riot.
** Stanza 16

* A poor, weak, palsy-stricken, churchyard thing.
** Stanza 18

* As though a tongueless nightingale should swell&lt;br /&gt;Her throat in vain, and die, heart-stifled, in her dell.
** Stanza 23

* Full on this casement shone the wintry moon,&lt;br /&gt;And threw warm gules on Madeline's fair breast,&lt;br /&gt;As down she knelt for heaven's grace and boon;&lt;br /&gt;Rose-bloom fell on her hands, together prest.
** Stanza 25

* Unclasps her warmed jewels one by one;&lt;br /&gt;Loosens her fragrant bodice; by degrees&lt;br /&gt;Her rich attire creeps rustling to her knees.
** Stanza 26

* As though a [[rose]] should shut and be a bud again.
** Stanza 27

* And still she slept an azure-lidded sleep,&lt;br /&gt;In blanched linen, smooth, and lavender'd.
** Stanza 30

* And lucent syrops, tinct with cinnamon.
** Stanza 30

* He play'd an ancient ditty long since mute,&lt;br /&gt;In Provence call'd &quot;La belle dame sans mercy.&quot;
** Stanza 33

* She hurried at his words, beset with fears,&lt;br /&gt;For there were sleeping dragons all around,&lt;br /&gt;At glaring watch, perhaps, with ready spears — &lt;br /&gt;Down the wide stairs a darkling way they found. — &lt;br /&gt;In all the house was heard no human sound.&lt;br /&gt;A chain-droop'd lamp was flickering by each door;&lt;br /&gt;The arras, rich with horseman, hawk, and hound,&lt;br /&gt;Flutter'd in the besieging wind's uproar;&lt;br /&gt;And the long carpets rose along the gusty floor.
** Stanza 40

* And they are gone: ay, ages long ago&lt;br /&gt;These lovers fled away into the storm.
** Stanza 42

==== ''[[w:Ode to a Nightingale|Ode to a Nightingale]]'' ====
:&lt;small&gt;Written in May 1819 - [[s:Ode to a Nightingale|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains&lt;br /&gt;My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,&lt;br /&gt;Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains&lt;br /&gt;One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk: &lt;br /&gt; Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, &lt;br /&gt; But being too happy in thine happiness, — &lt;br /&gt; That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,&lt;br /&gt;In some melodious plot&lt;br /&gt;Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,&lt;br /&gt;Singest of summer in full-throated ease.
** Stanza 1

* '''O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been&lt;br /&gt; Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth.'''&lt;br /&gt;Tasting of Flora and the country green,&lt;br /&gt;Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!&lt;br /&gt;O for a beaker full of the warm South,&lt;br /&gt;Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,&lt;br /&gt;With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,&lt;br /&gt;And purple-stained mouth.
** Stanza 2

* Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget&lt;br /&gt;What thou among the leaves hast never known,&lt;br /&gt;The weariness, the fever, and the fret&lt;br /&gt;Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;&lt;br /&gt;Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,&lt;br /&gt;Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;&lt;br /&gt;Where but to think is to be full of sorrow&lt;br /&gt;And leaden-eyed despairs.
** Stanza 3

* '''Already with thee! tender is the night.'''
** Stanza 4

* I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,&lt;br /&gt;Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,&lt;br /&gt;But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet.
** Stanza 5

* And mid-May's eldest child,&lt;br /&gt;The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,&lt;br /&gt;The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.
** Stanza 5

* '''Darkling I listen; and, for many a time&lt;br /&gt;I have been half in love with easeful [[Death]]''',&lt;br /&gt;Call'd him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,&lt;br /&gt;To take into the air my quiet breath;&lt;br /&gt;Now more than ever seems it rich to die,&lt;br /&gt;To cease upon the midnight with no pain,&lt;br /&gt;While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad&lt;br /&gt;In such an ecstasy!&lt;br /&gt;Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain — &lt;br /&gt;To thy high requiem become a sod.
** Stanza 6

* '''Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!&lt;br /&gt;No hungry generations tread thee down;&lt;br /&gt;The voice I hear this passing night was heard&lt;br /&gt;In ancient days by emperor and clown''':&lt;br /&gt;Perhaps the self-same song that found a path&lt;br /&gt;Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,&lt;br /&gt;She stood in tears amid the alien corn;&lt;br /&gt;The same that oft-times hath&lt;br /&gt;Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam&lt;br /&gt;Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.
** Stanza 7

* Forlorn! the very word is like a bell&lt;br /&gt;To toil me back from thee to my sole self!
** Stanza 8

* '''Was it a vision, or a waking dream?&lt;br /&gt;Fled is that music: — Do I wake or sleep?'''
** Stanza 8

==== ''[[w:Ode on a Grecian Urn|Ode on a Grecian Urn]]'' ====
[[File:keats urn.jpg|thumb|&quot;Beauty is truth, truth beauty,&quot;—that is all&lt;br /&gt;Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Written in May 1819 - [[s:Ode on a Grecian Urn|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,&lt;br /&gt;Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,&lt;br /&gt;Sylvan historian, who canst thus express&lt;br /&gt;A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:&lt;br /&gt;What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape?&lt;br /&gt;Of deities or mortals, or of both,&lt;br /&gt;In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?&lt;br /&gt;'''What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?&lt;br /&gt;What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?&lt;br /&gt;What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?'''
** Stanza 1

* '''Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard&lt;br /&gt;Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;&lt;br /&gt;Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,&lt;br /&gt;Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone.'''&lt;br /&gt;Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave&lt;br /&gt;Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;&lt;br /&gt;Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,&lt;br /&gt;Though winning near the goal — yet, do not grieve;&lt;br /&gt;She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,&lt;br /&gt; For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!
** Stanza 2

* Who are these coming to the sacrifice?&lt;br /&gt;To what green altar, O mysterious priest,&lt;br /&gt;Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,&lt;br /&gt;And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
** Stanza 4

* Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought&lt;br /&gt;As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!&lt;br /&gt;When old age shall this generation waste,&lt;br /&gt;Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe&lt;br /&gt;Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,&lt;br /&gt;'''&quot;[[Beauty]] is truth, truth beauty,&quot; — that is all &lt;br /&gt; Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'''
** Stanza 5. The final lines of this poem have been rendered in various ways in different editions, some placing the entire last two lines within quotation marks, others only the statement &quot;''Beauty is truth, truth beauty'',&quot; and others without any quotation marks. The poet's final intentions upon the matter before his death are unclear.

== Quotes about Keats ==

*The other people that I was simply made for were the Romantic poets. Shelley, in particular, and Keats.
**[[Paula Gunn Allen]] Interview in ''Survival This Way: Interviews with American Indian Poets'' by [[Joseph Bruchac]] (1987)

* What harm he has done in English Poetry. As [[Robert Browning|Browning]] is a man with a moderate gift passionately desiring movement and fulness, and obtaining but a confused multitudinousness, so Keats with a very high gift, is yet also consumed by this desire; and cannot produce the truly living and moving, as his conscience keeps telling him. They will not be patient neither understand that they must begin with an Idea of the world in order not be prevailed over by the world's multitudinousness: or if they cannot get that, at least with isolated ideas: and all other things shall (perhaps) be added unto them.
** [[Matthew Arnold]], Letter to Arthur Clough, 1848/9, in ''John Keats: The Critical Heritage'', ed. G.M. Matthews (1995)

* [On Monckton Milne's ''Life of Keats''] An attempt to make us eat dead dog by exquisite currying and cooking [...] The kind of man that Keats was gets ever more horrible to me. Forces of hunger for every pleasure of every kind, and want of all other force -- that is a combination! Such a structure of soul, it would once have been very evident, was a chosen 'Vessel of Hell' [...]
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], in J.A. Froude, ''Thomas Carlyle: A History of His Life in London, 1834 - 1881'' (1884)

* Here are Johnny Keats's piss a-bed poetry [...] There is such trash of Keats and the like upon my tables, that I am ashamed to look at them [...] No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don't I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the driveling idiotism of the Mankin.
:The ''Edinburgh'' praises Jack Keats or Ketch, or whatever his names are [...] why, his is the Onanism of Poetry -- something like the pleasure an Italian fiddler extracted out of being suspended daily by a Street Walker in Drury Lane. This went on for some weeks: at last the Girl went to get a pint of Gin -- met another, chatted too long, and Cornelli was hanged outright before she returned. Such like is the trash they praise, and such will be the end of the outstretched poesy of this miserable Self-polluter of the human mind.
:Mr Keats, whose poetry you enquire after, appears to me what I have already said: such writing is a sort of mental masturbation -- he is always frigging his Imagination. I don't mean he is indecent, but viciously soliciting his ideas into a state, which is neither poetry nor anything else but a Bedlam vision produced by raw pork and opium.
:* [[Lord Byron]], Letters to John Murray, 12 August - 9 September 1820, in ''The Routledge Literary Sourcebook on the Poems of John Keats'', ed. J. Strachan (2003)

* My indignation at Mr. Keats's depreciation of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] has hardly permitted me to do justice to his own genius, which, malgre all the fantastic fopperies of his style, was undoubtedly of great promise. His fragment of Hyperion seems actually inspired by the Titans, and is as sublime as [[Aeschylus]]. He is a loss to our literature.
** [[Lord Byron]], 12 November 1821

* '''Keats, entirely a stranger to error, could believe that the nightingale enchanting him was the same one [[w:Book of Ruth|Ruth]] heard amid the alien corn of Bethlehem in Judah'''; [[Robert Louis Stevenson|Stevenson]] posits a single bird that consumes the centuries: &quot;the nightingale that devours time.&quot; [[Arthur Schopenhauer|Schopenhauer]] — impassioned, lucid Schopenhauer — provides a reason: the pure corporeal immediacy in which animals live, oblivious to death and memory. He then adds, not without a smile: Whoever hears me assert that the grey cat playing just now in the yard is the same one that did jumps and tricks there five hundred years ago will think whatever he likes of me, but it is a stranger form of madness to imagine that the present-day cat is fundamentally an entirely different one.
**  [[Jorge Luis Borges]] in &quot;A History of Eternity&quot; as translated in  ''Selected Non-Fictions'' Vol. 1, (1999), edited by Eliot Weinberger

* In the latter part of that year's summer [1817] I first saw him. It was on the Hampstead road that we were introduced to each other.... ...in that interview of a minute I inwardly desired his acquaintanceship, if not his friendship... He was small in stature, well proportioned, compact in form, and, though thin, rather muscular; — one of the many who prove that manliness is distinct from height and bulk. '''There is no magic equal to that of an ingenuous countenance, and I never beheld any human being's so ingenuous as his.''' His full fine eyes were lustrously intellectual, and beaming (at that time!) with hope and joy. It has been remarked that the most faulty feature was his mouth; and, at intervals, it was so. But, whenever he spoke, or was, in any way, excited, the expression of the lips was so varied and delicate, that they might be called handsome.
** [[w:Charles Armitage Brown|Charles Armitage Brown]], ''Life of John Keats'', p. 44

* '''A very odd young man, but good-tempered, and good-hearted, and very clever indeed.'''
** Mrs. Maria Dilke, quoted in ‘Papers of a Critic’, by Sir Charles Dilke, I, p. 8

*I also liked the Romantic poets. Wordsworth, Keats, Burns and Blake were some of my favourites. There was something about their rebellious spirit against the evils of industrialization that moved me. Of course now, some of their pessimism, mysticism and limited critical realist visions make me quite uncomfortable.
**[[Micere Githae Mugo]]  in ''Talking with African Writers'' by Jane Wilkinson

* '''Keats was in childhood not attached to books. His penchant was for fighting. He would fight any one – morning, noon, and night, his brother among the rest. It was meat and drink to him.''' Jennings their sailor relation was always in the thoughts of the brothers, and they determined to keep up the family reputation for courage; George in a passive manner; John and Tom more fiercely. The favourites of John were few; after they were known to fight readily he seemed to prefer them for a sort of grotesque and buffoon humour. I recollect at this moment his delight at the extraordinary gesticulations and pranks of a boy named Wade who was celebrated for this.... He was a boy whom any one from his extraordinary vivacity and personal beauty might easily fancy would become great — but rather in some military capacity than in literature.
** Edward Holmes, a fellow pupil at Clarke's School in Enfield {{source}}

* He was called by his fellow students 'little Keats,' being at his full growth no more than five feet high.... In a room, he was always at the window, peering into space, so that the windowseat was spoken of by his comrades as Keats's place.... In the lecture room he seemed to sit apart and to be absorbed in something else, as if the subject suggested thoughts to him which were not practically connected with it. He was often in the subject and out of it, in a dreamy way. &lt;br /&gt;He never attached much consequence to his own studies in medicine, and indeed looked upon the medical career as the career by which to live in a workaday world, without being certain that he could keep up the strain of it. He nevertheless had a consciousness of his own powers, and even of his own greatness, though it might never be recognised.... '''Poetry was to his mind the zenith of all his aspirations: the only thing worthy the attention of superior minds: so he thought: all other pursuits were mean and tame.''' He had no idea of fame or greatness but as it was connected with the pursuits of poetry, or the attainment of poetical excellence.... He was gentlemanly in his manners and when he condescended to talk upon other subjects he was agreeable and intelligent. He was quick and apt at learning, when he chose to give his attention to any subject. He was a steady quiet and well behaved person, never inclined to pursuits of a low or vicious character.
** Henry Stephens, a fellow student at Guy's Hospital {{source}}

* He was under the middle height; and his lower limbs were small in comparison with the upper, but neat and well-turned. His shoulders were very broad for his size; he had a face, in which energy and sensibility were remarkably mixed-up, an eager power checked and made patient by ill-health. Every feature was at once strongly cut, and delicately alive. If there was any faulty expression, it was in the mouth, which was not without something of a character of pugnacity... The head was a particular puzzle for the [[phrenologist]], being remarkably small in the skull; a singularity he has in common with Lord Byron and Mr Shelley, none of whose hats I could get on.
** [[Leigh Hunt]], &quot;Mr. Keats&quot;

* And don't you remember Keats proposing 'Confusion to the memory of [[Isaac Newton|Newton]]' and upon your insisting on an explanation before you drank it, his saying, 'Because he destroyed the poetry of the rainbow by reducing it to a prism? Ah, my dear old friend, you and I shall never see such days again!
** [[w:Benjamin Haydon|Benjamin Haydon]], Autobiography and Memoirs

* I remember... his first introduction to Mr. Haydon; and when in the course of conversation that great artist asked him, &quot;if he did not love his country,&quot; how the blood rushed to his cheeks and the tears to his eyes, at his energetic reply. '''His love of freedom was ardent and grand.'''
** [[w:Charles Cowden Clarke|Charles Cowden Clarke]], article in the ''Morning Chronicle'' (27 July 1821)

* He is studying closely, recovering his Latin, going to learn Greek, and seems altogether more rational than usual — but '''he is such a man of fits and starts he is not much to be depended on. Still he thinks of nothing but poetry as his being's end and aim, and sometime or other he will, I doubt not, do something valuable.'''
** James Augustus Hessey to [[w:John Taylor (1781–1864)|John Taylor]], (16 September 1818), as quoted by [[w:Edmund Blunden|Edmund Blunden]] in ''Keats's Publisher'', p. 56

* He, who is gone, was one of the very kindest friends I possessed, and yet he was not kinder perhaps to me, than to others. His intense mind and powerful feelings would, I truly believe, have done the world some service, had his life been spared — but he was of too sensitive a nature — and thus he was destroyed!
** [[w:John Hamilton Reynolds|John Hamilton Reynolds]] {{source}}

* [Keats] was the very soul of courage and manliness, and as much like the ''holy Ghost'' as ''Johnny Keats''.
** George Keats {{source}}

* When somebody expressed his surprise to [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|Shelley]], that Keats, who was not very conversant with the Greek language, could write so finely and classically of their gods and goddesses, Shelley replied “He ''was'' a Greek.”
** Richard H. Horne, ''A New Spirit of the Age'' (1844)

*think: poems fixed this landscape: Blake, Donne, Keats
**''Collected Poems of [[Muriel Rukeyser]]''

* With [[William Wordsworth|Wordsworth]], mortality is often just under the surface, as it was with Keats, another child of his time, who believed, because of the [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], that we are material beings in a material universe and that we must just accept that fate. We are mortal, but with no divine shoulder to lean on, and we will never understand the deepest truths, which, contrary to all the protestations of the Enlightenment, neither reason nor science can reach. Keats had a tragic sense of life. He is recognizably a [[w:Romanticism|Romantic]]; there is no Enlightenment Utopia waiting for him.
** Brian L. Silver, ''The Ascent of Science'' (1998)

*I’d happily just be someone Keats’s epitaph describes: “Here lies one whose name was writ in water.”
**[[Rebecca Solnit]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/16/books/review/rebecca-solnit-by-the-book.html interview] (2018)

*I have a lifelong love for John Keats, the greatest of the English Romantic poets who lived during the nineteenth century. His uncanny ability to create beauty with words touched my soul. I was still quite young when I read the letter Keats sent to his brother in 1817. In it, he wrote about &quot;negative capability,&quot; which he explained as the quality &quot;when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.&quot; I was drawn to this idea because so much of what I experienced as a kid, teen, and young man seemed shrouded in mystery.
**[[Cornel West]] ''Brother West: Living and Loving Out Loud, A Memoir'' (2009)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource author}}
* {{gutenberg author| id=John+Keats | name=John Keats}}
* [http://bartleby.com/126/ Complete Poetical Works]
* [http://www.john-keats.com/ John Keats.com]
* [http://englishhistory.net/keats/contents.html The Life and Work of John Keats]
* [http://keatsian.com/ Keatsian.com]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keats, John}}
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    <title>The Terminator</title>
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      <comment>Sarah didn't have a sob in her voice when she spoke; it was more of a quiver.</comment>
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      <text bytes="16440" sha1="ao3td85dpxeu00cadhl84squ7spjmtz" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Tekniska museet - BugWarp (57) cropped.jpg|thumb|I’ll be back.]]
[[File:8.23.12MichaelBiehnByLuigiNovi1.jpg|thumb|Come with me if you want to live.]]
[[File:10.17.09LindaHamiltonByLuigiNovi.jpg|thumb|You're terminated, fucker!]]
[[File:Tekniska museet - BugWarp (57).jpg|thumb|It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely will not stop, ''ever'', until you are ''dead!'']]
'''''[[w:The Terminator|The Terminator]]''''' is a [[w:1984 in film|1984 science fiction film]] about an apparently unstoppable humanoid cyborg who is sent from the machine-dominated future to assassinate the eventual mother of the human resistance leader.
:''Directed by [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]]. Written by [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]] and [[w:Gale Anne Hurd|Gale Anne Hurd]].''
{{center|'''The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Kyle Reese ==
*John Connor gave me a picture of you once. I didn't know why at the time. It was very old - torn, faded. You were young like you are now. You seemed just a little sad. I used to always wonder what you were thinking at that moment. I memorized every line, every curve... I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you. I always have.
*Come with me if you want to live.

== Sarah Connor ==
* ''[When Sarah proceeds to crush the terminator with a hydraulic press]'' You're terminated, fucker!

== Dialogue ==
:''[the Terminator is checking out a gun store]''
:'''Terminator''': [[W:Franchi SPAS-12|The 12-gauge auto-loader]].
:'''Pawn clerk''': That's Italian. You can go pump or auto.
:'''Terminator''': The [[W:AMT Hardballer|.45 long slide]] with laser sighting.
:'''Pawn clerk''': These are brand new; we just got them in. That's a good gun. Just touch the trigger, the beam comes on and you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss. Anything else?
:'''Terminator''': Phased [[w:plasma weapon|plasma rifle]] in the 40-watt range.
:'''Pawn clerk''': Hey, just what you see, pal.
:'''Terminator''': ''[looks around]'' The [[W:Uzi|Uzi 9mm]].
:'''Pawn clerk''': You know your weapons, buddy. Any one of these is ideal for home defense. So uh, which will it be?
:'''Terminator''': ''[pointing shotgun towards the door]'' All.
:'''Pawn clerk''': I may close early today. ''[takes out forms]'' There's a...15-day wait on the handguns, but the rifles you can take right now. ''[sees the Terminator loading a shell into the shotgun]'' You can't do that.
:'''Terminator''': Wrong. ''[shoots and kills the clerk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kyle Reese has successfully rescued Sarah Connor from being killed by the Terminator at a nightclub]''
:'''Kyle''': All right, listen. The Terminator's an infiltration unit: part man, part machine. Underneath, it's a hyperalloy combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled. Fully armored, very tough. But outside, it's living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood - grown for the cyborgs.
:'''Sarah''': Look, Reese. I don't know what you want from...
:'''Kyle''': Pay attention! I gotta ditch this car. ''[parks car]'' The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy. But these are new, they look human. Sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him.
:'''Sarah''': Look, I am not stupid, you know. They cannot make things like that yet!
:'''Kyle''': Not yet, not for about 40 years.
:'''Sarah''': ''[disbelieving]'' Are you saying it's from the future?
:'''Kyle''': One possible future. From your point of view. I don't know tech stuff.
:'''Sarah''': Then you're from the future too - is that right?
:'''Kyle''': Right.
:'''Sarah''': Right.
:''[They struggle together, she bites his hand in her attempt to escape]''
:'''Kyle''': ''[coldly]'' Cyborgs don't feel pain. I do. Don't do that again.
:'''Sarah''': ''[weakly]'' Just let me go!
:'''Kyle''': Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely will not stop, ''ever'', until you are ''dead!''
:'''Sarah''': ''[gasps and quivers as Reese's warning sinks in]'' Can you stop it?
:''[Reese settles back in his seat, running a hand through his hair]''
:'''Kyle''': ''[tiredly]'' I don't know. With these weapons...I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sarah''': Reese. Why me? Why does it want me?
:'''Kyle''': There was a nuclear war. A few years from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it's gone. Just gone. There were survivors. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it. It was the machines, Sarah.
:'''Sarah''': I don't understand.
:'''Kyle''': Defense network computers. New... powerful... hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say it got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then it saw all people as a threat, not just the ones on the other side. Decided our fate in a microsecond: extermination.
:'''Sarah''': Did you see this war?
:'''Kyle''': No. I grew up after. In the ruins... starving... hiding from H-K's.
:'''Sarah''': H-K's?
:'''Kyle''': Hunter-Killers: patrol machines built in automated factories. Most of us were rounded up, put into camps for orderly disposal. ''[pulls up his right sleeve, exposing a mark]'' This is burned in by laser scan. Some of us were kept alive... to work... loading bodies. The disposal units ran night and day. We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Connor. John Connor. Your son, Sarah... your unborn son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Why didn't you bring any weapons, something more advanced? Don't you have, uh, ray guns? Show me a piece of future technology.
:'''Kyle''': You go naked. Something about the field generated by a living organism. Nothing dead will go.
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Why?
:'''Kyle''': ''[frustrated]'' I didn't build the fucking thing!
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Okay, okay. But this cyborg, if it's metal...
:'''Kyle''': Surrounded by living tissue!
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Oh, right, right. ''[pauses the interrogation tape]'' This is great stuff. I could make a career out of this guy! You see how clever this part is, how it doesn't require a shred of proof? Now, most paranoid delusions are intricate, but this is brilliant! ''[resumes the interrogation tape]'' Why were the other two women killed?
:'''Kyle''': Most of the records were lost in the war. Skynet knew almost nothing about Connor's mother. Her full name, where she lives. They just knew the city. The Terminator was just being systematic.
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Uh-huh. Okay, now let's get back to where I was...
:'''Kyle''': ''[interrupts]'' Look! You've heard enough! I have answered your questions! Now I have to see Sarah Connor!
:'''Dr. Silberman''': I'm afraid that's not up to me.
:'''Kyle''': Then why am I talking to you? Who is in authority here?
:'''Dr. Silberman''': Please, I...
:'''Kyle''': ''[interrupts again] SHUT UP!! [glares at the camera]'' You still don't get it, do you?! He'll find her! That's what he does! That's ''all'' he does! You can't stop him! He'll wade through you, reach down her throat, and pull her fucking heart out!
:'''Ed Traxler''': Doc?
:'''Kyle''': Aagh! LET GO OF ME--!
:'''Dr. Silberman''': ''[pauses the interrogation tape]'' Sorry.
:'''Sarah''': So is Reese crazy?
:'''Dr. Silberman''': In technical terminology, he's a loon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terminator''': I'm a friend of Sarah Connor. I was told she was here. Could I see her please?
:'''Desk Sergeant''': No, you can't see her. She's making a statement.
:'''Terminator''': Where is she?
:'''Desk Sergeant''': Look, it may take a while. Want to wait? There's a bench over there. ''[points to bench]''
:'''Terminator''': ''[looks around, examining the structural integrity of the room, then looks back at him]'' '''{{W|I'll be back}}!'''
:''[shortly afterwards, the Terminator drives a squad car into the precinct's reception room, crushing the desk sergeant against the back wall by ramming the car into the desk]''
:*Note: bolded line is ranked #37 in [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kyle and Sarah escape the Terminator's assault at a police station and hide in an abandoned house to tend to his wounds]''
:'''Sarah''': Would you talk about something?
:'''Kyle''': What?
:'''Sarah''': I don't know. Anything. Just talk. Tell me about my son.
:'''Kyle''': He's about my height. He has your eyes.
:'''Sarah''': What's he like?
:'''Kyle''': You trust him. He's got a strength. I'd die for John Connor.
:'''Sarah''': Well, at least now I know what to name him. I don't suppose you know who the father is so I won't tell him to get lost when I meet him.
:'''Kyle''': John never said much about him. I know he dies before the war-
:'''Sarah''': Wait! I don't want to know. So, was it John that sent you here?
:'''Kyle''': I volunteered.
:'''Sarah''': Why?
:'''Kyle''': It was a chance to meet the legend... Sarah Connor. Taught her son to fight, organize, prepare from when he was a kid. When you were in hiding before the war.
:'''Sarah''': You're talking about things I haven't done yet, in the past tense. It's driving me crazy. Are you sure you have the right person?
:'''Kyle''': I'm sure.
:'''Sarah''': ''[angry, irritated]'' Oh, come on. Do I look like the mother of the future? I mean am I tough, organized? I can't even balance my checkbook! Look Reese, I didn't ask for this honor and I don't ''want it, any of it!''
:'''Kyle''': Your son gave me a message to give to you. He made me memorize it. ''[reciting]'' ''&quot;Thank you, Sarah, for your courage through the dark years. I can't help you with what you must soon face, except to say that the future is not set. You must be stronger than you imagine you can be. You must survive, or I will never exist.&quot;'' That is all. ''[examines the bandage Sarah has put on his hand]'' It's a good field dressing.
:'''Sarah''': ''[bitterly]'' You like it? It's my first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A very pregnant Sarah begins recording a taped message while driving through the Mexican desert.]''
:'''Sarah''': Tape 7, November 10...Where was I? What's difficult is trying to decide what to tell you and what not to. But I guess I have a while before you're old enough to understand these tapes. They're more for me at this point just so that I can get it straight.
:''[pulls up at a gas station; a clerk comes out]''
:'''Sarah''': ''¿Gasolina, por favor?''
:'''Gas Station Clerk''': ''¿Cuánto?''
:'''Sarah''': ''Llena el tanque.''
:'''Gas Station Clerk''': Fill 'er up! ''¡Sí!''
:'''Sarah''': ''[recording]'' Should I tell you about your father? Boy, that's a tough one. Will it affect your decision to send him here, knowing that he is your father? If you don't send Kyle, you can never be. God, a person could go crazy thinking about this. I suppose I will tell you. I owe him that. Maybe it'll help if you know that, in the few hours we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth. ''[stops recording because a boy has just taken a Polaroid picture of her]''
:'''Boy''': ''Usted es muy hermosa, señora, y tengo apena decirle que me dé cinco dólares americanos, pero si no, mi padre me va a pegar.''
:'''Sarah''': ''[to clerk]'' What did he just say?
:'''Gas Station Clerk''': He says you're very beautiful, ''señora'', and he's ashamed to ask you for five American dollars for his picture - but if he doesn't, his father will beat him.
:'''Sarah''': Pretty good hustle, kid. ''[raises four fingers] Cuatro.''
:'''Boy''': ''¡Sí, sí! [accepts two two-dollar bills] Gracias. [leaves, but calls back a warning] ¡Miren, miren! ¡Allá! ¡Viene una tormenta!''
:'''Sarah''': ''[to clerk]'' What did he just say?
:'''Gas Station Clerk''': He said there's a storm coming in.
:'''Sarah''': ''[contemplatively]'' I know.

== Taglines ==
* In the 21st century, a weapon will be invented like no other. This weapon will be powerful, versatile and indestructible. It can't be reasoned with. It can't be bargained with. It will feel no pity. No remorse. No pain. No fear. It will have only one purpose: to return to the present and prevent the future. This weapon will be called...The Terminator.
* It came from a war-torn future to destroy the past. Its target: an ordinary woman - Sarah Connor. Her only ally: another traveler through time.
* The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. Their war to exterminate mankind had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Tonight...
* In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created the Terminator.
* The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end.
* Your future is in its hands.

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==

* There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.
** Although John Connor recalls this as part of the message his future self had given to Kyle Reese to pass along to Sarah Connor in [[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]], and a version of this line appears in [http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Terminator.html some script drafts], Kyle Reese never actually recites this line in the film.

{{Misattributed end}}

== About ''The Terminator'' ==

* Before Terminator came out I began to hear from people, 'Gee, there's this script they're going to shoot that reads an awful lot like your script for [[w:Soldier (The Outer Limits)|Soldier]]. Now Soldier had been available on videocassette for many years. [[w:Demon with a Glass Hand|Demon with a Glass Hand]] had won all the awards but Soldier was right there in popularity.
: Now, I get invitations to everything and anything, but for some reason, I never got an invitation to the screening of The Terminator.
: It was not my desire to find a similarity. I was sitting in there thinking, 'Please don't let it be.' But if you took the first three minutes of my Soldier episode and the first three minutes of The Terminator, they are not only similar but exact. By the time I left the theater, I knew I had a case against someone who plagiarized my work.
:* [[Harlan Ellison]] [http://www.jamescamerononline.com/Ellison.htm &quot;When Ellison Attacks&quot;], ''James Cameron Online''.

== Cast ==
* [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] – [[w:Terminator (character)|Terminator]]
* [[w:Michael Biehn|Michael Biehn]] – [[w:Kyle Reese|Kyle Reese]]
* [[w:Linda Hamilton|Linda Hamilton]] – [[w:Sarah Connor (Terminator)|Sarah Connor]]
* [[w:Paul Winfield|Paul Winfield]] – Lieutenant Ed Traxler
* [[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] – Detective Hal Vukovich
* [[w:Bess Motta|Bess Motta]] – Ginger Ventura
* [[w:Earl Boen|Earl Boen]] – Dr. Peter Silberman
* [[w:Rick Rossovich|Rick Rossovich]] – Matt Buchanan

== See also ==
* ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]''
* ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]''
* ''[[Terminator Salvation]]''
* ''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]''
* ''[[Terminator Genisys]]''
* ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]''
* ''[[Terminator Zero]]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0088247|title=The Terminator}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=terminator|title=The Terminator}}
* [http://www.terminatorfiles.com TerminatorFiles.com]

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[[Category:Screenplays by James Cameron]]
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'''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past.
:''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] and [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts (writer)|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]].''
:''Music by [[Hans Zimmer]]'' and includes &quot;[[w:Can You Feel the Love Tonight|Can You Feel the Love Tonight]]&quot;. Written by [[Tim Rice]] and performed by [[Elton John]].

{{center|'''The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life.''' ([[The Lion King#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Pumbaa==
* They call me ''MISTER PIG!'' ''[loses a war cry]''
* Hey, Timon! You better come look. I think he is still alive.

== Simba ==
* Little roar.. ''[scoffs]''
* Run. Run away, Scar and never return.

== Scar ==
* ''[to a [[w:mouse|mouse]] he is about to eat]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu.

* ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[throws Mufasa off the cliff]''

* Run away, Simba. Run. Run away, and never return.

* Mufasa's death was a terrible tragedy. But to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live... For me, it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era, in which [[w:lion|lion]] and [[w:hyena|hyena]] come together in a great and glorious future!

* Temper, temper. I wouldn't ''dream'' of challenging you.

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Serengeti, Tanzania (2337070731).jpg|thumb|When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the [[w:antelope|antelope]] eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.]]
:''[After &quot;The Circle of Life&quot; has ended, a mouse appears onscreen, looking for food. The mouse sniffs and looks up and tries to run away, but a lion paw hits him and picks him up by the tail: the paw is revealed to be Scar's.]''
:'''Scar''': ''[first words]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I-- Well, I shall never be king. Heh. And you... shall never see the light of another day. ''[chortles]'' Adieu. ''[about to eat the mouse]''
:'''Zazu''': ''[out of nowhere]'' Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?
:'''Scar''': ''[annoyed]'' What do you want?
:'''Zazu''': I'm here to announce that King Mufasa's on his way, so you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning.
:'''Scar''': ''[sees the mouse escaped back to the hole]'' Oh, now, look, Zazu. You've made me lose my lunch.
:'''Zazu''': Hah! You'll lose more than ''that'' when the king gets through with you. He's as mad as a hippo with a hernia.
:'''Scar''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, I quiver with '''''fear!'''''
:'''Zazu''': ''[backs away from Scar]'' Now, Scar, don't look at me that way! ''[alarmed]'' '''''HELP!!!!''''' ''[Scar traps him in his mouth]''
:'''Mufasa''': ''[first words; enters]'' Scar. ''[Scar looks back at him with his mouth full]'' Drop him.
:'''Zazu''': ''[pops his beak out of Scar's mouth]'' Impeccable timing, Your Majesty.
:''[Scar spits out Zazu, which he is now covered in lion slobber, and Zazu groans in disgust.]''
:'''Scar''': ''[sarcastically overjoyed]'' Why, if it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.
:'''Mufasa''': Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.
:'''Scar''': ''[faking astonishment]'' That was ''today?'' ''[he turns]'' '''''Oh,''''' I feel simply '''''awful.''''' ''[starts scraping his claws on the rock wall and Zazu cringes at the awful sound; admiring his claws]'' Must have slipped my mind.
:'''Zazu''': Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been first in line!
:''[Scar clicks his teeth at Zazu, who takes cover behind Mufasa's foreleg.]''
:'''Scar''': Well, I ''was'' first in line... until the little ''hairball'' was born.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[lowering his head; to Scar]'' That &quot;hairball&quot; is my son, and your future king.
:'''Scar''':  [sarcastically] Oh, I shall practice my curtsy. ''[turns away and starts to exit]''
:'''Mufasa''': ''[angrily]'' Don't turn your back on ''me,'' Scar.
:'''Scar''': ''[looking back]'' Oh, no, Mufasa. Perhaps ''you'' shouldn't turn ''your'' back on ''me.''
:'''Mufasa''':	''[roars ferociously and jumps in front of Scar, angrily baring his teeth]'' '''''IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!''''' ''[growls]''
:'''Scar''': Temper, temper. ''[Mufasa stops growling]'' I wouldn't ''dream'' of challenging ''you.''
:'''Zazu''': Pity. Why not?
:'''Scar''': ''[looks at Zazu]'' Well, as far as brains go, ''I'' got the lion's share, ''[looking at Mufasa]'' but when it comes to brute strength...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool. ''[exits]''
:'''Zazu''': ''[deep sigh]'' There's one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually. ''[perches on Mufasa's shoulder]'' And they always manage to ruin special occasions.
:'''Mufasa''': What am I going to do with him?
:'''Zazu''': He'd make a very handsome throw rug.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[scorns playfully]'' Zazu.
:'''Zazu''': And just think: Whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and beat him. ''[Mufasa chuckles in amusement]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling [[w:Ant|ant]] to the leaping antelope.
:'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
:'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.
:'''Zazu''': ''[flies to rock]'' Good morning, sire!
:'''Mufasa''':	Good morning, Zazu.
:'''Zazu''': Checking in ''[land on rock]'' with the morning report.
:'''Mufasa''': Fire away.
:'''Zazu''': Well, the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot.
:''[Zazu's speech continues. Simba's and Mufasa's conversation starts]''
:'''Mufasa''': Oh, really?
:''[Simba, uninterested in Zazu, pounces at a grasshopper and misses]''
:'''Zazu''': ''[continuing, not noticing Mufasa's lack of enthusiasm]'' And the baboons are going ape over this. Of course, the giraffes are acting like they're above it all.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[to Simba]'' What are you doing, son?
:'''Simba''': ''[looking in his empty paws]'' Pouncing.
:'''Mufasa''': Let an old pro show you how it's done.
:'''Zazu''': The tick birds are pecking on the elephants. I told the elephants to forget it, but they can't.
:'''Mufasa''': Zazu, would you turn around? 
:'''Zazu''': Yes, sire. ''[continuing immediately]'' The cheetahs are hard up, but I always say...
:'''Mufasa''': ''[whispering, to Simba]'' {{small|Stay low to the ground.}}
:'''Zazu''': ...cheetahs never prosper.
:'''Simba''': ''[whispering]'' {{small|Yeah, okay, stay low to the ground. Right. Yeah.}}
:'''Zazu''': ''[realizing something is amiss]'' What’s going on?
:'''Mufasa''': A pouncing lesson.
:'''Zazu''': Oh, very good. Pouncing. ''[realizing what Mufasa’s doing]'' ''Pouncing?!'' Oh, no, sire, you can't be serious. ''[Mufasa motions for Zazu to turn back around]'' Oh... this is ''so humiliating.''
:'''Mufasa''': ''[still whispering]'' {{small|Try not to make a sound.}}
:'''Zazu''': What are you telling him, Mufasa? ''[looks around uneasily; Simba and Mufasa seem to have disappeared]'' Mufasa? Simba?
:''[Simba does a full pounce leaving Zazu stunned on the ground]''
:'''Mufasa''': ''[laughs]'' That's very good. ''[laughs again]''
:'''Gopher''': ''[emerges under Zazu]'' Zazu?
:'''Zazu''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes!
:'''Gopher''': ''[salutes]'' Sir, news from the underground.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[to Simba]'' Now, this time--
:'''Zazu''': ''[interrupting, with urgency]'' Sire! Hyenas! In the Pride Lands!
:'''Mufasa''': ''[in a serious manner]'' Zazu, take Simba home.
:'''Simba''': Oh, Dad, can't I come?
:'''Mufasa''':	''[curtly]'' No, son. ''[heads off at a full gallop]''
:'''Simba''': ''[scoffs, annoyed]'' I never get to go anywhere.
:'''Zazu''': Oh, young master, one day ''you'' will be king; then you can chase those slobbering mangy stupid poachers from dawn until dusk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what?
:'''Scar''': I despise guessing games.
:'''Simba''': I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock.
:'''Scar''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, goody.
:'''Simba''': My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know. ''[flops on his side]''
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you? 
:'''Scar''': A [[W:Vervet monkey|monkey]]'s uncle.
:'''Simba''': ''[laughs]'' You're so weird!
:'''Scar''': You have no idea. So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?
:'''Simba''': Everything.
:'''Scar''': He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border?
:'''Simba''': Well, no. He said I can't go there.
:'''Scar''': And he's ''absolutely'' right. It's ''far'' too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there.
:'''Simba''': Well, ''I'm'' brave. What's out there?
:'''Scar''': ''[Interrupting]'' I'm sorry, Simba, I just can't tell you.
:'''Simba''': Why not?
:'''Scar''': ''[feigning concern]'' Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well-being of my favorite nephew. ''[Scar rubs and pats Simba's head]''
:'''Simba''': ''[snorts; sarcastically]'' Yeah, right. I'm your ''only'' nephew.
:'''Scar''': All the more reason for me to be protective. An [[w:African bush elephant|elephant]] graveyard is no place for a young prince. ''[faking surprise]'' Oops!
:'''Simba''': ''[enthusiastically]'' An elephant ''what?'' Whoa.
:'''Scar''': ''[faking dismay]'' Oh, dear, I've said too much. Well, I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later, you being ''so clever'' and all. ''[pulling Simba near]'' Oh, just do me one favor; Promise me you'll never visit that ''dreadful'' place.
:'''Simba''': ''[thinks, knowing that he’ll most likely go there anyway]'' No problem.
:'''Scar''': There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember; It's our little secret.
:''[Simba leaves the rock; Scar walks away with an evil smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After &quot;I Just Can't Wait to Be King&quot; ends; the rhino ends up sitting on Zazu]''
:'''Zazu''': ''[muffled]'' I beg your pardon, madam, but... '''''GET OFF!! Simba? Nala?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nala''': I wonder if its brains are still in there.
:'''Simba''': There's only one way to know. C'mon. Let's go check it out.
:''[Zazu darts in front of him and blocks his path]''
:'''Zazu''': '''''AWK!''''' The only &quot;checking out&quot; ''you'' will do will be to check out of here.
:'''Simba''': Oh, man!
:'''Zazu''': We're ''way'' beyond the boundary of the Pride Lands.
:'''Simba''': Look, Banana Beak is scared.
:'''Zazu''': It's '''''Mr.''''' Banana Beak to you, fuzzy, and right now, we are '''''all''''' in very real danger.
:'''Simba''': Danger? ''Hah.'' I walk on the wild side. I laugh in the face of danger. ''[he lets out a hearty laugh, but soon it is followed by some boisterous laughter coming from inside the skull. He runs next to Nala just as three hyenas, Shenzi, Banzai and Ed, three of the worst hyenas in the Pride Lands, come out and slowly advance on the cubs]''
:'''Shenzi''': Well, well, well, Banzai, what have we got here?
:'''Banzai''': I don't know, Shenzi. Uh, what do you think, Ed? ''[Ed laughs wildly]'' Yeah, just what I was thinking: A trio of trespassers!
:'''Zazu''': And quite by accident, let me assure you. A simple navigational error.
:'''Shenzi''': Whoa. ''[catches Zazu by his tail feathers]'' Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait. I know you. You're Mufasa's little ''stooge.''
:'''Zazu''': ''I,'' madam, am the king's majordomo.
:''[The hyenas circle the cubs, eyeing them as a potential meal]''
:'''Banzai''': And that would make you...?
:'''Simba''': The future king.
:'''Shenzi''': Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?
:'''Simba''': ''[scoffs]'' You can't do anything to me.
:'''Zazu''': ''[nervously]'' Uh, technically, they can. We are on their land.
:'''Simba''': But Zazu, you told me they’re nothin' but slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers.
:'''Zazu''': ''[under his breath; to Simba]'' Ix-nay on the upid-stay.
:'''Banzai''': ''[hearing Zazu; angrily]'' Who you callin' &quot;upid-stay&quot;?!
:'''Zazu''': My, my, my. Oh, look at the sun! It's time to go!
:''[The cubs try to run, but Shenzi blocks their path]''
:'''Shenzi''': What's the hurry? We'd '''''love''''' you to stick around for dinner.
:'''Banzai''': Yeah, we could have whatever's...&quot;lion&quot; around! ''[laughs; while Shenzi speaks]'' Get it?! &quot;Lion&quot; around?!
:'''Shenzi''': Wait, wait, wait, I got one, I got one! Make mine a &quot;cub&quot; sandwich! What'd ya think? ''[Ed suddenly starts making strange noises and pointing offscreen]'' What, Ed? What is it?
:'''Banzai''': ''[looks to his right and sees what Ed's trying to say]'' Hey. Did we order this dinner to go?
:'''Shenzi''': No. Why?
:'''Banzai''': 'Cause '''''THERE IT GOES!'''''
:''[the cubs run for dear life. Suddenly, Zazu gives a surprised yelp as a paw yanks him offscreen; the two cubs stop to catch their breath]''
:'''Nala''': Did we lose 'em?
:'''Simba''': I think so. Where's Zazu?
:''[Cut to a pit near a steam vent. Zazu's shadow is shown shrieking while Banzai pushes him towards it]''
:'''Banzai''': The little majordomo bird hippity-hopped all the way to the birdie-boiler.
:'''Zazu''': '''''Oh, no, not the birdie-boiler-- AAAAAH!!!!'''''
:''[Zazu shoots up like a rocket as he screams: the Hyena Trio guffaws at this]''
:'''Simba''': Hey! ''[the Hyena Trio stops laughing]'' Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?
:'''Shenzi''': Like you?
:'''Simba''': Oops.
:''[Nala shrieks as Shenzi jumps up and tries to snap at her, but she and Simba run away. The two cubs don't get too far before their path is blocked by some red smoke. The hyenas emerge from it]''
:'''Shenzi, Banzai and Ed''': ''[unexpectedly]'' '''''Boo!'''''
:''[The cubs run like the dickens toward another elephant skull and barely evade Banzai's jaws. They slide down the skeleton's spine and fly away into another pile of bones. With the hyenas in pursuit, they climb up a ledge. Suddenly, Simba hears a shout behind him]''
:'''Nala''': Simba!
:''[Simba turns and sees Nala sliding down the ledge with her enemies closing in. Simba runs to save her. Simba scratches Shenzi's face just as she is about to snap at Nala. She growls angrily at the mark he left while they run away. The cubs continue running and reach a deep circular ravine. Desperate to escape, they run up an elephant skeleton and try to climb up, but fall through some skin on the rib cage and gasp as their enemies close in]''
:'''Banzai''': Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
:''[Simba puffs up, but all that comes out is a weak, child-like roar]''
:'''Shenzi''': Ha! That was it?! ''[The hyenas laugh at Simba's feeble roar]'' Do it again. Come on.
:''[Simba tries again, and strangely enough, an adult-like roar seemingly comes out. Nala is confused, as well as the hyenas.]''
:'''Hyenas''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:''[Suddenly, a large paw swipes at them. It belongs to Mufasa, who swipes at the hyenas as they try to escape. Meanwhile, Simba and Nala run for shelter. Then Mufasa pins the hyenas, who beg for mercy]''
:'''Hyenas''': Oh, please, wait! Ow! Uncle, uncle!
:'''Mufasa''': '''''SILENCE!!!!!'''''
:'''Banzai''': Hey, come on, we're going to shut up right now!
:'''Shenzi''': Calm down. We're really sorry.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[angrily]'' If you ever come near my son again--
:'''Shenzi''': Oh, this is-- This is your son?
:'''Banzai''': Oh, yours?
:'''Shenzi''': Did you know that?
:'''Banzai''': No. Me? I-- I didn't know. No. Did you?
:'''Shenzi''': No. Of course not.
:'''Banzai''': No.
:'''Banzai and Shenzi''': Ed?
:''[Ed idiotically nods his head &quot;yes&quot; with an idiotic smile, while Mufasa lets out an angry warning roar]''
:'''Banzai''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Toodles.
:''[The Hyena Trio runs off in fear while yelping as Zazu lands behind Mufasa and gives a smiling &quot;That'll show 'em!&quot; gesture, but soon retracts it after Mufasa frowns at him; Simba and Nala come out of their hiding place, as Simba tries to explain himself]''
:'''Simba''': Dad, I--
:'''Mufasa''': ''[sternly]'' You deliberately disobeyed me.
:'''Simba''': Dad, I'm, I'm sorry.
:'''Mufasa''': Let's go home.
:''[Zazu turns back in worry, feeling bad about having snitched on Simba, who walks behind his father, his head bowed in disgrace]''
:'''Nala''': I thought you were very brave.
:''[As Mufasa leads them out of the elephant graveyard, Scar watches from atop a cliff wall, angry at his nephew's resilience and his brother's meddling]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Mufasa rescued Simba and Nala, they're all heading back to Pride Rock at sunset.]''
:'''Mufasa''': Zazu!
:'''Zazu''': ''[flies to land in front of Mufasa]'' Yes, sire?
:'''Mufasa''': Take Nala home. ''[turns sternly to Simba]'' I've got to teach my son a lesson.
:''[Simba downs his head to the grass in shame, Zazu flies to him and Nala]''
:'''Zazu''': Come, Nala. ''[to Simba]'' Simba. ''[sighs]'' Good luck.
:''[Zazu and Nala leave. The camera view is of Simba in the foreground with Mufasa facing away from the camera in the background]''
:'''Mufasa''': Simba! ''[reverberates in the night air]'' ''[Simba slowly turns and walks towards his father. The camera follows him forward. Simba steps into a depression. Looking down he sees that his forepaw fits inside just the pawprint of his father's paw, then he looks up and, quite courageously, continues to come forward. Mufasa thinks silently for a few moments, not looking at his son. Then, finally, he turns to him]'' Simba, I'm very disappointed in you.
:'''Simba''': I know.
:'''Mufasa''': You could've been killed. You deliberately disobeyed me, and what's worse, you put Nala in danger!
:'''Simba''': ''[bordering on crying, voice cracks]'' I was just trying to be brave like you.
:'''Mufasa''':  I'm only brave when I have to be. Simba, being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble.
:'''Simba''': But you're not scared of anything.
:'''Mufasa''': I was today.
:'''Simba''': ''[in disbelief]'' You were?
:'''Mufasa''': ''[bends down close to Simba]'' Yes. I thought I might lose you.
:'''Simba''': I guess even kings get scared, huh?
:'''Mufasa''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Simba''': ''[Whispering conspiratorially]'' And you know what?
:'''Mufasa''': ''[whispering] What?
:'''Simba''': I think those hyenas were even scared-er.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[chuckles]'' 'Cause nobody messes with your dad. Come here, you. ''[bends down. He picks Simba up and starts giving him a noogie]''
:'''Simba''': No, no! Ah! Ugh! ''[Music rises as Simba and Mufasa tussle playfully for a brief while]'' Aah! Come here! ''[Mufasa laughs as runs away from Simba]'' Ha-ha-ha! Gotcha!
:''[They end up with Mufasa laid down and Simba on his head]''
:'''Simba''': Dad?
:'''Mufasa''': Hmm?
:'''Simba''': We're pals, right?
:'''Mufasa''': ''[gentle laugh]'' Right.
:'''Simba''': And we'll always be together, right?
:'''Mufasa''': ''[sitting up, Simba now on his shoulder]'' Simba, let me tell you something that my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars.
:'''Simba''': ''[in awe]'' Really?
:'''Mufasa''': Yes. So, whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are waiting.]''
:'''Shenzi''': ''[Banzai's stomach growls]'' Shut up.
:'''Banzai''': I can't help it. I'm so hungry. ''[jumps up]'' I got to have a [[w:Wildebeest|wildebeest]]!
:'''Shenzi''': Stay '''''put.'''''
:'''Banzai''': Can’t I just pick off one of the little sick ones?
:'''Shenzi''': No! We wait for the signal from Scar. ''[Scar enters from the hilltop]'' There he is. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scar emerges from the dust.]''
:'''Scar''': Simba. ''[Simba looks at Scar in shock]'' What have you done?
:'''Simba''': ''[sadly]'' There were wildebeests, and he tried to save me. It was an accident. I didn't mean for it to happen.
:'''Scar''': ''[pulls Simba away to hug him; feigning concern]'' Of course. Of course you didn't. No one ever means for these things to happen, but the king '''''is''''' dead. And if it weren't for you, he'd still be alive. ''[gasps]'' What would your mother think?
:'''Simba''': What am I gonna do?
:'''Scar''': Run away, Simba. ''[Simba looks at dead Mufasa, then back at Scar in fear]'' Run. Run away, and never return. ''[Simba starts running away from his dead father in fear. Shenzi, Banzai and Ed enter.]'' Kill him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Banzai lands in a briar patch, causing pain.]''
:'''Shenzi''': ''[sees Simba getting away]'' Hey, hey! There he goes! There he goes!
:'''Banzai''': So, go get him.
:'''Shenzi''': There ain't no way I'm goin’ in there. What, you want me to come out lookin’ like you, cactus butt?
:'''Banzai''': ''[spits a quill at Ed's nose]'' But we got to finish the job.
:'''Shenzi''': Well, he's as good as dead out there anyway. And '''''if''''' he comes back, we'll kill him.
:'''Banzai''': ''[yells to Simba]'' '''''YEAH!! YA HEAR THAT?! IF YOU EVER COME BACK, WE'LL KILL YA!!'''''
:''['''&quot;KILL YA!!&quot;'''' echoes many times, as the Hyena Trio laughs and return to the Pride Lands.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Simba is laid in the middle of the desert; the vultures are flying around him in circles and all land. Then Timon and Pumbaa enter with a charge.]''
:'''Timon and Pumbaa''': '''''HYAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!'''''
:'''Timon''': ''[shooing the vultures]'' Get out! Get out! Get out of here!
:'''Pumbaa''': I love it!
:'''Timon''': Whoo!
:'''Pumbaa''': Bowling for buzzards!
:'''Timon''': Hee-hee-hee! Gets 'em every time.
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[spots Simba]'' Uh-oh. Hey, Timon, you better come look. I think he's still alive.
:'''Timon''': Yeesh. All righty, what have we got here? ''[sniffs around Simba, and lifts his paw]'' Jeez, it's a lion! Run, Pumbaa, move it!
:'''Pumbaa''': Hey, Timon, it's just a little lion. Look at him. He's so cute and all alone. Can we keep him?
:'''Timon''': Pumbaa, are you nuts? You're talkin’ about a lion. Lions eat guys like us.
:'''Pumbaa''': But he's so little.
:'''Timon''': He's gonna get bigger.
:'''Pumbaa''': Maybe he'll be on our side.
:'''Timon''': That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he'll be-- ''[gets an idea]'' Hey, I got it. What if he's on ''our'' side? You know, havin’ a lion around might not be such a bad idea.
:'''Pumbaa''': So, we're keepin’ him?
:'''Timon''': Of course. Who's the brains of this outfit?
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[picks Simba up with his tusk]'' Uh--
:'''Timon''': My point exactly. Jeez, I am fried. ''[he and Pumbaa walk off, carrying Simba]'' Let's get out of here, and find some shade.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[inside a deserted Pride Rock, Zazu is singing in the rib cage while Scar using a pointy part bone as a toothpick]''
:'''Zazu''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen|♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow. ♪]]''
:'''Scar''': Oh, Zazu, do lighten up. ''[throws the bone out]'' Sing something with a little bounce in it.
:'''Zazu''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:It's a Small World|♪ It's a small world after all... ♪]]''
:'''Scar''': '''''NO!''''' No. Anything but that.
:'''Zazu''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts|♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Dee-dee-dee-dee. There they are all standing in a row. ♪]]'' ''[with Scar]'' '♪ Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. ♪'' ''[to himself as Scar continues]'' I would never have had to do this with Mufasa.
:'''Scar''': ''[angrily]'' '''''WHAT?!''''' What did you say?
:'''Zazu''': Oh, nothing.
:'''Scar''': You know the law: ''Never, ever'' mention ''that name'' in my presence. '''''I''' am the '''king!'''''
:'''Zazu''': ''[scared]'' Yes, sire, you ''are'' the king. I-I-- Well, I only mentioned it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches.
:'''Banzai''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, boss!
:'''Scar''': Oh, what is it this time?
:'''Banzai''': ''[he, Shenzi and Ed enter]'' We got a bone to pick with you.
:'''Shenzi''': I'll handle this. ''[to Scar]'' Scar, there's no food, no water.
:'''Banzai''': Yeah. It's dinner time and we ain't got no stinkin' entrées!
:'''Scar''': It's the lionesses' job to do the hunting.
:'''Banzai''': Yeah, but they won't go hunt.
:'''Scar''': Oh...eat Zazu.
:'''Zazu''': Oh, you wouldn't want me. I'd be so tough and gamey and...ew.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Zazu, don't be ridiculous. All you need is a little garlic.
:'''Banzai''': And I thought things were bad under Mufasa.
:'''Scar''': ''[turns fast to his hyenas]'' What did you say?!
:'''Banzai''': I said Muf-- ''[Shenzi hits him]'' I said, uh, ''&quot;Qué pasa?&quot;''
:'''Scar''': Good. Now, get out.
:''[Shenzi, Banzai and Ed turn to leave Pride Rock but stop.]''
:'''Banzai''': Hmm. Yeah, but we're still hungry.
:'''Scar''': '''''OUT!!'''''
:''[Shenzi, Banzai and Ed run out of Pride rock, scared.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Timon, this is Nala. She's my best friend?
:'''Timon''': &quot;Friend&quot;?!
:'''Simba''': Yeah. ''[to Pumbaa]'' Hey, Pumbaa! Come over here!
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[get free]'' Huh?
:'''Simba''': Nala, this is Pumbaa. Pumbaa, Nala.
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[politely]'' Pleased to make you acquaintance.
:'''Nala''': The pleasure's all mine.
:'''Timon''': How do you do? ''[realizes]'' Whoa! Whoa! Time out! Let me get this straight: You know her, she knows you, but she wants to eat him, and everybody's okay with this? '''''DID I MISS SOMETHING?!'''''
:'''Adult Simba''': Relax, Timon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[As he and Nala are walking in the jungle]'' Isn't this a great place?
:'''Adult Nala''': It is beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive all this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock?
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[climbs in the vines]'' Well, I just needed to get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great.
:'''Adult Nala''': We've really needed you back home.
:'''Adult Simba''': No one needs me.
:'''Adult Nala''': Yes, we do. You're the king.
:'''Adult Simba''': Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is.
:'''Adult Nala''': Simba. He let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Adult Nala''': Everything is destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve.
:'''Adult Simba''': I can't go back.
:'''Adult Nala''': Why?
:'''Adult Simba''': You wouldn't understand.
:'''Adult Nala''': What wouldn’t I understand?
:'''Adult Simba''': No, no, no. It doesn't matter. Hakuna Matata.
:'''Adult Nala''': What?
:'''Adult Simba''': Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen...
:'''Adult Nala''': Simba!
:'''Adult Simba''': ...and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry?
:'''Adult Nala''': Because it's your responsibility.
:'''Adult Simba''': What about you, you left?
:'''Adult Nala''': I left to find help. And I found you. Don't you understand? You are our only hope.
:'''Adult Simba''': Sorry.
:'''Adult Nala''': What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember.
:'''Adult Simba''': You're right. I'm not. Now are you satisfied?
:'''Adult Nala''': No, just disappointed.
:'''Adult Simba''': You know, you're starting to sound like my father. ''[starts walking away]''
:'''Adult Nala''': Good. At least one of us does.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[shocked at what Nala said, angrily turns to her]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?! You don't even know what I've been through!
:'''Adult Nala''': ''[worried]'' I would if you just tell me!
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[furiously walks away]'' Forget it!
:'''Adult Nala''': ''[angrily]'' Fine! ''[angrily turns her head away; camera switches to Simba pacing in a field.]''
:'''Simba''': She's wrong. I can't go back. What would it prove, anyway? It won't change anything. You can't change the past. ''[he looks up at the stars.]'' You said you'd always be there for me! But you're not. And it's because of me. It's my fault. It's my fault.
:''[He bows his head, choking back tears. The camera backs to a far view and then zooms over to Rafiki in a nearby tree.]''
:'''Rafiki''': ''[his chant gets louder]'' ''Asante sana! Squash banana! We we nugu! Mi mi apana!''
:''[Simba seems slightly annoyed by the chant. He moves away. Rafiki, elated by the sight of Simba, follows him. Simba lies down on a log over a pond. A rock disturbs the water; Rafiki, now in a nearby tree, starts his chant again.]''
:'''Simba''': Come on, will you cut it out? ''[Rafiki, laughing, is doing random acrobatics in the trees nearby.]''
:'''Rafiki''': Can't cut it out. It'll grow right back! 
:''[laughs]''
:''[Simba starts walking away. Rafiki follows.]''
:'''Simba''': Creepy little monkey. Will you stop following me? Who are you?
:'''Rafiki''': ''[in front of Simba, then right in his face.]'' The question is, '''''Who...'''''are you?
:'''Simba''': ''[makes a startled face, then sighs]'' I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure.
:'''Rafiki''': Well, I know who you are. Shh. Come here. It's a secret. ''Asante sana! Squash banana! We we nugu! Mi mi apana!''
:'''Simba''': ''[groans]'' Enough already. What's that supposed to mean, anyway?
:'''Rafiki''': It means you're a baboon...and I'm not. ''[laughs]''
:'''Simba''': ''[Moves away]'' I think you're a little confused.
:'''Rafiki''': ''[in front of Simba again]'' Wrong. '''''I'm''''' not the one who's confused; you don't even know '''''who you are.'''''
:'''Simba''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, and I suppose you know.
:'''Rafiki''': Sure do. You're Mufasa's boy. ''[Simba is surprised by this revelation]'' Bye. ''[exits]''
:'''Simba''': Hey, wait! ''[chases after Rafiki; after catching up to him, he is in a meditative lotus position on a rock.]'' You knew my father?
:'''Rafiki''': ''[monotone]'' Correction: I know your father.
:'''Simba''': I hate to tell you this, but he died...a long time ago.
:'''Rafiki''': Nope! ''[leaps off the rock]'' Wrong again! ''[goes over to a dense jungle-like area and laughs]'' He's alive! And I'll show him to you. You follow old Rafiki, he knows the way. Come on! ''[Rafiki leads Simba through the brush. Simba has trouble keeping up due to his size. The music slips into African chant.]'' Don't dawdle. Hurry up!
:'''Simba''': Hey, whoa. Wait, wait.
:'''Rafiki''': Come on, come on.
:'''Simba''': Would you slow down?
:''[Rafiki is seen flitting through the canopy ahead of Simba, laughing hollowly and whooping. Simba struggles to keep up.]''
:'''Rafiki''' ''[appears with his hand held up right into Simba's face.]'' ''Stop!'' ''[Simba stops running and the music stops abruptly]'' Shh.''[Rafiki motions to Simba near some reeds. He parts the reeds and points past them with his staff; whispering]'' Look down there. ''[Simba quietly and carefully works his way out. He looks over the edge and sees his reflection in a pool of water. He first seems a bit startled, perhaps at his own mature appearance, but then realizes what he's looking at.]''
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[annoyed sigh]'' That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
:'''Rafiki''': No, look '''''harder.''''' ''[Rafiki motions over the pool. Ripples form, distorting Simba's reflection; it resolves into that of Mufasa. A deep rumbling noise is heard]'' You see? He lives in '''''you.'''''
:''[Simba is awestruck. The wind picks up. In the air the huge image of Mufasa is forming from the clouds. He appears to be walking from the stars. The image is ghostly at first, but steadily gains color and coherence.]''
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': Simba.
:'''Adult Simba''': Father?
:''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the sky]''
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': Simba, you have forgotten me.
:'''Adult Simba''': No. How could I?
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
:'''Adult Simba''': How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': ''[now fully formed in the sky]'' Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king.
:''[Close up of Simba's face, bathed in the golden light, showing a mixture of awe, fear, and sadness. The image of Mufasa starts to fade]''
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': Remember who you are.
:'''[Mufasa’s spirit is disappearing rapidly into clouds. Simba runs into the fields trying to keep up with the image]''
:'''Adult Simba''': No! Please don’t leave me!
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': Remember.
:'''Adult Simba''': Father!
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': Remember.
:'''Adult Simba''': Don’t leave me.
:'''Mufasa’s Spirit''': ''[fading away]'' Remember.
:''[Simba is left out in the fields. There is just a cloud left where his father's image was. The wind tosses the grass restlessly. Rafiki approaches]''
:'''Rafiki''': What was '''''that?''''' ''[laughs]'' The weather. ''[scoffs]'' Very peculiar. Don't you think?
:'''Adult Simba''': Yeah. Looks like the winds are changing.
:'''Rafiki''': Ahhh. Change is good.
:'''Adult Simba''': Yeah, but it's not easy. I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long. ''[Rafiki whacks Simba on the head with his staff]'' Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
:'''Rafiki''': It doesn't matter. It's in the past. ''[laughs]''
:'''Adult Simba''': Yeah, but it still hurts.
:'''Rafiki''': Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. ''[swings his staff again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]'' Ha! You see? So, what are you going to do?
:'''Adult Simba''': First, I'm gonna take your stick.
:''[Simba snatches Rafiki's staff and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]''
:'''Rafiki''': '''''NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THE STICK! HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!'''''
:'''Adult Simba''': '''''I'M GOIN' BACK!'''''
:'''Rafiki''': '''''GOOD! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!'''''
:''[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Back in the jungle, Timon and Pumbaa are sleeping. Nala enters and taps Timon with a paw]''
:'''Nala''': Hey. Hey, wake up. ''[Timon wakes up and sees Nala's face, he and Pumbaa start screaming in fear]'' It's okay. Whoa, whoa! It's okay! It's me!
:'''Timon''': Don't ever do that again. Carnivores. Oy.
:'''Nala''': Have you guys seen Simba?
:'''Timon''': I thought he was with you.
:'''Nala''': He was, but now I can't find him. Where is he?
:'''Rafiki''': ''[laughs]'' You won't find him here. ''[chuckles]'' The king... has returned.
:'''Nala''': I can't believe it. He's gone back.
:'''Timon''': Gone back? What do you mean? ''[notices Rafiki is gone]'' Hey! What's going on here? Who's the monkey?
:'''Nala''': Simba's gone to challenge Scar.
:'''Timon''': Who?
:'''Nala''': Scar.
:'''Pumbaa''': Who's got a scar?
:'''Nala''': No, no. It's his uncle.
:'''Timon''': The monkey's his uncle?
:'''Nala''': ''No!'' Simba's gone back to challenge his uncle to take his place as king.
:'''Timon and Pumbaa''': Ohhhhh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Simba, Nala, Timon and Pumbaa make it to the Pride Lands and see hordes of hyenas]''
:'''Timon''': [[w:spotted hyena|Hyenas]]. I hate hyenas. ''[whispering, to Simba]'' {{small|So what’s your plan for getting past those guys?}}
:'''Adult Simba''': {{small|Live bait.}}
:'''Timon''': {{small|Good idea.}} ''[realizing]'' ''Hey!''
:'''Adult Simba''': {{small|Come on, Timon. You guys have to create a diversion.}}
:'''Timon''': What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?
:''[Suddenly, the sound of bongo drums gets the hyenas' attention. Timon dances the hula while Pumbaa appears as a roasted pig with an apple in his mouth. Simba and Nala sneak stealthily side-by-side without the hyenas noticing]''
:'''Timon''': Wow! ''[sings]'' ''♪ If you are hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat. Come on down and dine on this tasty swine, all you have to do is get in line. A-a-a-are you achin'... ♪''
:'''Pumbaa''': Yup, yup, yup.
:'''Timon''': ''♪ ...for some bacon? ♪''
:'''Pumbaa''': Yup, yup, yup.
:'''Timon''': ''♪ He's a big pig. ♪''
:'''Pumbaa''': Yup, yup.
:'''Timon''': ''♪ You could be a big pig too. Oi! ♪''
:''[Timon and Pumbaa shriek in fear and run away with the hyenas in hot pursuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Simba and Nala arrive at the bottom of Pride Rock. They pause]''
:'''Adult Simba''': Nala, you find my mother and rally the lionesses. ''[Nala nods]'' I'll look for Scar.
:''[Simba and Nala part fashions. Simba creeps closer to Pride Rock. Thunder rumbles overhead. Scar stands atop a boulder near Pride Rock]''
:'''Scar''': '''''SARABI!!!'''''
:''[Scar's voice echoes. Gasping upon realizing this, Simba peers out from behind a rock. Sarabi strides through the crowd of hyenas who are gathered underneath Pride Rock. They snarl and snap at her heels, but she does not flinch. Thunder crashes overhead, and Simba watches mournfully. Sarabi climbs up to stand in front of Scar.]''
:'''Sarabi''': Yes, Scar?
:'''Scar''': Where is your hunting’ party? ''[Scar paces back and forth in front of Sarabi]'' They're not doing their job.
:'''Sarabi''': Scar, there's no food. The herds have moved on.
:'''Scar''': ''[annoyed]'' No. You're just not looking hard enough.
:'''Sarabi''': It's over. There's nothing left. We have only one choice. ''[emphatically]'' We must leave Pride Rock.
:'''Scar''': ''[turns back to face Sarabi]'' We're not going anywhere.
:'''Sarabi''': Then you have sentenced us to death!
:'''Scar''': Then so be it.
:'''Sarabi''': ''[incredulous]'' You can't do that.
:'''Scar''': I am the king. ''[Scar sits, holding his head high]'' I can do whatever I want.
:'''Sarabi''': If you were half the king Mufasa was, you would nev--
:'''Scar''': ''[flips around and backhands Sarabi, who falls]'' '''''I'M TEN TIMES THE KING MUFASA WAS!!'''''
:''[Simba emerges on a high ledge, roaring in anger. Lightning flashes, and thunder crashes overhead. Scar stares in fear as Simba descends the ledge.]''
:'''Scar''': Mufasa? ''[backs off]'' No. You're dead!
:''[Simba runs down to his mother and awakens her.]''
:'''Sarabi''': Mufasa?
:'''Adult Simba''': No. It's me.
:'''Sarabi''': Simba? You're alive? How can that be?
:'''Adult Simba''': It doesn't matter. I'm home.
:'''Scar''': Simba? Simba! I'm a little surprised to see you... alive.
:''[Shenzi, Banzai and Ed gulp nervously.]''
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[sternly]'' Give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip you apart.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you must understand. The pressures of ruling a kingdom--
:'''Adult Simba''': Are no longer yours. Step down, Scar.
:'''Scar''': Well, I would, actually. However, there is one little problem. You see them? ''[referring to the hyenas]'' They think ''I'm'' king.
:'''Adult Nala''': Well, we don't. Simba's the '''''rightful''''' king.
:'''Adult Simba''': The choice is yours, Scar. Either step down or fight.
:'''Scar''': Oh, must this all end in violence? I'd hate to be responsible for the death of a family member. Wouldn't you agree, Simba?
:'''Adult Simba''': That's not going to work, Scar. I've put it behind me.
:'''Scar''': But what about your faithful subjects? Have they put it behind them?
:'''Adult Nala''': Simba, what is he talking about?
:'''Scar''': Ahh, so you haven't told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now's your chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[after a trying to pauses out, somberly; to Sarabi]'' I am.
:'''Sarabi''': ''[whispering]'' It's not true. Tell me it's not true.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[somberly]'' It's true.
:'''Scar''': ''[angrily]'' You see? '''''He admits it. MURDERER.'''''
:'''Adult Simba''': No. It was an accident.
:'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, Mufasa would still be alive. It's your fault he's dead. Do you deny it?
:'''Adult Simba''': No.
:'''Scar''': Then you're '''''guilty.'''''
:'''Adult Simba''': [[Shrek|No, I'm '''''not a murderer!''''']]
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you're in trouble again. But this time, Daddy isn't here to save you. [[The Rescuers Down Under|And now, '''''EVERYONE KNOWS WHY?!''''']]
:''[Simba falls off, but hangs onto the edge of a cliff]''
:'''Adult Nala''': '''''SIMBA!'''''
:''[lightning strikes patch of dry land, igniting a fire]''
:'''Scar''': ''[looking at Simba who is clinging to the edge of the cliff]'' Now, this looks familiar. Hmm. Where have I seen this before? Let me think. Hmm. Oh, yes, I remember. This is just the way your father looked before he died. ''[he claws Simba's paws the same way he did to Mufasa]'' And here's '''''my''''' little secret. ''[whispers]'' {{small|I killed Mufasa.}} ''[Simba's eyes widen. In a flashback, Mufasa plummets into the gorge, with young Simba watching in horror.]'' 
:'''Adult Simba''': '''''No!''''' ''[angrily leaps back up and pounces on Scar]'' '''''Murderer!!!'''''
:'''Scar''': No, Simba! Please!
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[furiously]'' Tell them the truth.
:'''Scar''': Truth? But truth is in the eye of the behold-- ''[Simba chokes him]'' All right. All right! ''[quietly]'' I did it.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[angrily]'' ''So they can '''hear''' you.''
:'''Scar''': ''[louder]'' '''''I''''' killed Mufasa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Timon runs from Banzai with Shenzi]''
:'''Zazu''': Let me out! Let me out!
:'''Timon''': Let me in! Let me in! ''[hugs Zazu tightly while they are both cornered by Banzai, with Shenzi]'' Please don't eat me.
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[appears at the mouth of the cave]'' '''''Drop 'em!'''''
:'''Banzai''': Hey! Who's the [[W:common warthog|pig]]?
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talkin' to me?
:'''Timon''': Uh-oh, he called him a [[w:pig|pig]].
:'''Pumbaa''': ''Are you talking to me?!''
:'''Timon''': Shouldn't have done that.
:'''Pumbaa''': '''''ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!'''''
:'''Timon''': Now they're in for it!
:'''Pumbaa''': '''''THEY CALL ME…MR. PIG!!!''''' ''[he angrily screams and charges at Shenzi and Banzai]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[having Scar cornered; coldly]'' Murderer.
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, please. Please have mercy, I beg you.
:'''Adult Simba''': ''[angrily]'' You don't deserve to live.
:'''Scar''': But, Simba, I am, uh, family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault. ''[the hyenas back away and growl in retaliation out of betrayal]'' It was their idea.
:'''Adult Simba''': Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie.
:'''Scar''': What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your own uncle.
:'''Adult Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, uh, prove myself to you? Tell me, I mean, anything.
:'''Adult Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. And never return.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish, ''[looking down and seeing a pile of hot coals]'' Your '''''MAJESTY!''''' ''[Scar swipes the coals into Simba's face. With a cried of surprise and pain, Simba paws the coals away as Scar leaps and attacks. There is a fight in slow motion. Both Scar and Simba land heavy blows. At normal speed, Simba gets knocked on his back. Scar leaps through the flames at him. Simba gathers courage and uses Scar's momentum in a &quot;throw&quot; similar to Nala's fighting tactics to send him flying over the edge. Scar tumbles to the bottom. He weakly gets up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Scar is hurled over the slope of Pride Rock and survives; Shenzi, Banzai and Ed enter]''
:'''Scar''': Ah, my friends.
:'''Shenzi''': &quot;Friends&quot;? I thought he said that we were &quot;the enemy&quot;.
:'''Banzai''': Yeah. That's what I heard.
:'''Shenzi and Banzai''': Ed?
:''[Ed makes a deep-voiced evil laugh, and the hyenas start hungerly coming towards Scar and laughing]''
:'''Scar''': ''[his last words]'' No, let-- No, l-l-l-let-- Let me explain! No, you don't understand! No, I didn't mean it! '''''NO, NO! NO, I DIDN'T... I-I WAS MEANT- I... NO, NO!'''''
:''[the camera pans up as the hyenas start to maul Scar to death with flames covering the scene. A brief rainstorm douses the flames. As Simba comes down, Zazu bows and mouths &quot;Your Majesty.&quot;, and Simba greets his mother and Nala. Rafiki motions for Simba to ascend Pride Rock as king. Simba starts walking up and pauses to hug Rafiki as his father did]''
:'''Rafiki''': It is time.
:''[Very majestically, he ascends through the rain. Through a hole in the clouds is a patch of stars. One bright star shines out briefly.]''
:'''Mufasa's Ghost''': Remember.
:''[Simba’s expression gains confidence and strength to roar, and the lionesses follow suit, and Simba roars again. Time switch to the savannah in full bloom again. Simba, Timon, Pumbaa, and Nala are on Pride Rock. Zazu flies up to the point. Timon, of course, is shaking his arms in the classic victory sign. All the groups of herds are there and making noise as in the presentation of Simba. Rafiki appears, holding [[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride|Kiara]]. He lifts her to present her to the crowd, then the title appears.]''

= Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Elton John =
:'''Elton John''': There's a calm surrender / To the rush of day / When the heat of a rolling wind / Can be turned away / An enchanted moment / And it sees me / through / It's enough for this restless warrior / Just to be with you| And can you feel the love tonight? / It is where we are / It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer / That we got this far| And can you feel the love tonight? / How it's laid to rest / It's enough to make kings and vagabonds / Believe the very best| There's a time for everyone / If they only learn / That the twisting kaleidoscope / Moves us all in turn / There's a rhyme and reason / To the wild outdoors / When the heart of this star-crossed voyager / Beats in time with yours| And can you feel the love tonight? / It is where we are / It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer / That we got this far| And can you feel the love tonight? / How it's laid to rest / It's enough to make kings and vagabonds / Believe the very best| It's enough to make kings and vagabonds / Believe the very best. ''[song fades]''

== Taglines ==
*See it for the first time ever in 3D (2011 3D re-release)
*The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life.
*The King Has Returned. [for December 2002 IMAX release.]
*The Circle of Life

== Cast ==
* [[Matthew Broderick]] — Adult Simba
** [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] — Young Simba
* [[Nathan Lane]] — Timon
* [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] — Pumbaa
* [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] — Mufasa
* [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] — Adult Nala
** Niketa Calame — Young Nala
* [[Jeremy Irons]] — Scar
* [[Whoopi Goldberg]] — Shenzi
* [[Cheech Marin]] — Banzai
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] — Ed
* [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] — Rafiki
* [[Rowan Atkinson]] — Zazu
* [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] — Sarabi
* Zoe Leader — Sarafina

== External links ==
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      <text bytes="139280" sha1="7hoq1oeamj7hje8apqhgcqukjg9fkq7" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Benito Mussolini (primo piano).jpg|thumb|[[Fascism]] conceives of the State as an [[Absolutism|absolute]], in comparison with which all [[Individualism|individuals]] or groups are relative, only to be conceived in their relation to the State.]]
'''[[w:Benito Mussolini|Benito Amilcare Andrea Mussolini]]''' ([[29 July]] [[1883]] – [[28 April]] [[1945]]) was an Italian politician and [[w:journalist|journalist]] who founded and led the [[w:National Fascist Party|National Fascist Party]]. He was [[w:Prime Minister of Italy|Prime Minister of Italy]] from the [[w:March on Rome|March on Rome]] in 1922 until [[w:Fall of the Fascist regime in Italy|his deposition]] in 1943, and &quot;[[w:Duce of Fascism|Duce]]&quot; of [[w:Italian Fascism|Italian Fascism]] from the establishment of the [[w:Italian Fasces of Combat|Italian Fasces of Combat]] in 1919 until [[w:Death of Benito Mussolini|his execution in 1945]] by [[w:Italian partisans|Italian partisans]]. As [[w:dictator|dictator]] of Italy and principal founder of [[fascism]], Mussolini inspired and supported the [[w:fascism as an international phenomenon|international spread of fascist movements]] during the [[w:inter-war period|inter-war period]].

== Quotes==
===1900s===
[[File:Benito Mussolini mugshot 1903.jpg|thumb|For us the national flag is a rag to be planted on a dunghill. There are only two fatherlands in the world: that of the exploited and that of the exploiters.]]
[[File:Flag of Mussolini as Capo del governo of Fascist Italy.svg|thumb|Everybody has the right to create for himself his own [[ideology]] and to attempt to enforce it with all the [[energy]] of which he is capable.]]
[[File:Saluto romano al Duce, Riccione 1932.jpg|thumb|Blood alone moves the wheels of history.]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 102-13773, Benito Mussolini.jpg |thumb|Speeches made to the people are essential to the arousing of enthusiasm for a [[war]].]]
[[File:Mussolini 3.jpg|thumb|Better to live a day as a [[lion]] than 100 years as a [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 102-09844, Mussolini in Mailand.jpg|thumb|History teaches us that empires are conquered by arms but are held by prestige. And for prestige it is necessary to have a clear, severe racial consciousness, that establishes not only the differences, but also very clear superiorities.]]

* [[Religion]] is a species of mental disease. It has always had a pathological reaction on mankind.
** As quoted by Mussolini in ''2000 Years of Disbelief: Famous People with the Courage to Doubt'' by James A. Haught (1966) p. 256. From a speech he made in Lausanne, July 1904.

* [[Science]] is now in the process of destroying religious dogma. The [[Creationism|dogma of the divine creation]] is recognized as absurd.
** As quoted by Mussolini in ''2000 Years of Disbelief: Famous People with the Courage to Doubt'' by James A. Haught (1966) p. 256. Originally came from Mussolini’s essay ''l'Homme et la Divinité,'' 1904.

* [[Karl Marx|Marx]] was the greatest of all theorists of socialism.
** As quoted in ''Mussolini: A Biography'' by [[w:Denis Mack Smith|Denis Mack Smith]] (1983) p. 7. Original source: ''Opera Omnia di Benito Mussolini'' (OO) 1/102-3 (14 Mar. 1908), 135, 142.

* Militarism! Here is the monstrous leech that is incessantly sucking the blood of the people and its best energy! Here is the target for our attacks! We must put an end to barbarism, proclaim that the army is now a highly organized school of crime and that it exists solely to protect bourgeois capital and profits. We must not be deterred from proclaiming ourselves international socialists. We recognize no borders and no flags, we hate all steel, every institution that exist to kill men, waste energy, strangle the advance of the workers.
**Mussolini's article, (April 11, 1909), quoted in ''The Myth of the Nation and the Vision of Revolution'', [[w:Jacob Talmon | Jacob Talmon]], University of California Press (1981) p. 487,

====God Does Not Exist (1904)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://ia800604.us.archive.org/30/items/GodDoesNotExist/GDNE.pdf Benito Mussolini, ''God Does Not Exist''. Published in 1904; Lausanne, Switzerland. Translated by George Seldes, 1935.]&lt;/small&gt;
* The struggle against the religious absurdity is more than ever a necessity today.
* When we claim that &quot;God does not exist,&quot; we mean to deny by this declaration the personal God of [[theology]], the God worshiped in various ways and divers modes by believers the world over, that God who from nothing created the [[universe]], from [[chaos]] [[matter]], that God of absurd attributes who is an affront to human reason.
* With each new discovery of [[chemistry]], [[physics]], [[biology]], the [[Anthropology|anthropological sciences]], of the practical application of sound principles, dogma collapses. It is a part of that old edifice of religion which crumbles and falls in ruins.
* How can the idea of a creator be reconciled with the existence of dwarfed and atrophied organs, with anomalies and monstrosities, with the existence of pain, perpetual and universal, with the struggle and the inequalities among human beings?
* Science is now in the process of destroying religious dogma. The dogma of the divine creation is recognized as absurd.
* [[The Bible]] and [[w:Christian_morality|morals called Christian]] are two cadavers.
* Religious morality shows the original stigmata of [[authoritarianism]] precisely because it pretends to be the revelation of divine [[authority]].
* Religion is a [[Mental illness|psychic disease]] of the brain.
* The history of many [[saints]], beatified by the [[Catholic Church|church]], is repugnant. It shows nothing more than a profound aberration of the human spirit in search of ultra-terrestrial chimeras.
* If today the Middle Ages are retiring into the thick shadows of convents, it is due to triumphant [[skepticism]]; and if the epidemic disease of religion no longer appears with the terrible intensity of former times, it is due to the diminution of the political power of the Church.
* The faculty by which man is differentiated from the lower [[animals]] is his reasoning power. But the devout believer renounces reason, refuses to explain the things which surround him, the innumerable natural phenomena, because his religious faith is enough for him. The [[brain]] loses the habit of [[Thought|thinking]]; and this religious sottishness hurls mankind back into animalism.
* &quot;Religious man&quot; is an abnormality and &quot;religion&quot; is the certain cause of epidemic diseases of the mind which require the care of alienists.

===1910s===
* For us the national flag is a rag to be planted on a dunghill. There are only two fatherlands in the world: that of the exploited and that of the exploiters.
** ''La Lotta di Classe'' (1910), while a socialist, paraphrasing French socialist [[w:Gustave Hervé|Gustave Hervé]], quoted in ''Mussolini in the Making'' (1938) by Gaudens Megaro
** Variant translation: The national flag is a rag that should be placed in a dunghill.
*** As quoted in ''Aspects of European History, 1789-1980'' (1988) by Stephen J. Lee, p. 191

*The rapacious [[property]]-owning [[United States|American]] [[bourgeoisie]] admits no limits, possesses no scruples and does not share the [[Fear|fears]] and the [[cowardice]] of our bourgeoisie. [They are] violent, absolute criminal. When they feel the need, they simply stain their hands with [[proletarian]] [[blood]]. They lack any human sense. They are only interested in [[exploitation]].
**As quoted in ''Mussolini'', R.J.B. Bosworth, London and New York, Bloomsbury Academic (2010) p. 70, original source: B. Mussolini, ''Opera Omnia'' (ed. E and D. Susmel), Vol. IV, p. 16 (written in 1911)

* [[Socialism]] has to remain a terrifying and a majestic thing. If we follow this line, we shall be able to face our enemies.
** As quoted in ''Il Duce: The Life and Work of Benito Mussolini'', L. Kemechey, New York: NY, Richard R. Smith (1930) p. 54. Written just before taking editorship of the Italian Socialist Party newspaper ''Avanti'' in 1912.

* The law of socialism is that of the desert: a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye. Socialism is a rude and bitter truth, which was born in the conflict of opposing forces and in violence. Socialism is war, and woe to those who are cowardly in war. They will be defeated.
** As quoted in ''Il Duce: The Life and Work of Benito Mussolini'', L. Kemechey, New York: NY, Richard R. Smith (1930) p. 56. Written just before taking editorship of the Italian Socialist Party newspaper ''Avanti'' in 1912.

*What does it matter to the proletarian to understand socialism as one understands a theorem? And is socialism perhaps reducible to a theorem? We want to believe in it; we must believe in it. Humanity needs a credo. It is faith that moves mountains because it gives the illusion that mountains move. Illusion is perhaps the only reality of life.
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York, (1938) p. 321, a statement made by Mussolini in 1912

* The root of our psychological weakness was this: We socialists have never examined the problems of [[nations]]. The International was never concerned with it. The International is dead, paralyzed by events. Ten million proletarians are today on the battlefield.
** As quoted in ''The Myth of the Nation and the Vision of Revolution'', [[w:J.L. Talmon  | J.L. Talmon]], University of California Press (1981) p. 492. Original source: Mussolini, ''Opera Omnia'' VI, p. 427, 1914

* You cannot get rid of me because I am and always will be a socialist. You hate me because you still love me. 
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith|Denis Mack Smith]], ''Mussolini: A Biography'' (1983) p. 8. As quoted by Mussolini after he was expelled from the Italian Socialist Party in 1914.

* Do not believe, even for a moment, that by stripping me of my membership card you do the same to my Socialist beliefs, nor that you would restrain me of continuing to work in favor of Socialism and of the Revolution.
** Speech at the Italian Socialist Party’s meeting in Milan at the People’s Theatre on Nov. 25, 1914. Quote in ''Revolutionary Fascism'' by Erik Norling, Lisbon, Finis Mundi Press (2011) p. 88.

* It is blood which moves the wheels of [[history]].
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=DsRYAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=RA1-PA234&amp;lpg=RA1-PA234&amp;dq=%22It+is+blood+which+moves+the+wheels+of+history!%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=v0BzInFnc_&amp;sig=gEqKCdgCipviuomrOppXZrk6E_E&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjgtZuZvY_ZAhXJmeAKHWwWB_EQ6AEIUTAG#v=onepage&amp;q=%22It%20is%20blood%20which%20moves%20the%20wheels%20of%20history!%22&amp;f=false Speech in Parma (13 December 1914) quoted in ''Foreign Affairs'', May 1924, p 234]

*The new society cannot get out of the involucrum of the old society, except by smashing it to pieces; two conceptions, two classes, two worlds will contend for primacy, and only force will compel the weaker to disappear. For this reason, we socialists of the first school, Marxist and catastrophic, if you wish, explain to ourselves the partial violence of to-day and the violence of to-morrow… Do not call us prophets of massacre if we present the possibility that the socialist revolution will have insurrectional episodes. It is puerile to think that such a radical displacement of interests, such a profound transformation of habits can be accomplished without violent conflicts. 
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York, (1938) p. 128

*The dangerous persons for the socialist movement are not the intellectuals, but those who are not convinced of socialism. And all those who call themselves socialists without knowing why they are socialists.
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York, (1938) p. 130 

* We declare war against socialism, not because it is socialism, but because it has opposed [[nationalism]].... We intend to be an active minority, attract the [[Working class|proletariat]] away from the official Socialist party. But if the middle class thinks that we are going to be their [[w:Lightning_rods|lightning rods]], they are mistaken.
**Mussolini’s speech in Milan (March 23, 1919), quoted in Stanislao G. Pugliese, ''Fascism, Anti-fascism, and the Resistance in Italy: 1919 to the Present'', Oxford, England, UK, Rowman &amp; Littlefield Publishers, Inc., (2004) p. 43

* Although we can discuss the question of what socialism is, what is its program and what are its tactics, one thing is obvious: the official [[w:Italian_Socialist_Party|Italian Socialist Party]] has been reactionary and absolutely [[Conservatism|conservative]]. 
** Mussolini's March 23, 1919 speech to announce the first ''Fasci di Combattimento'' (League of Combat). Published in ''Fascism, Anti-Fascism and the Resistance in Italy: 1919 to the Present'', Stanislao G. Pugliese, Lanham: Maryland, Rowman and Littlefield Publishers, Inc. (2004) p. 43

* This is what we propose now to the Treasury: either the property owners expropriate themselves, or we summon the masses of war veterans to march against these obstacles and overthrow them. 
** As quoted by Mussolini as leader of the [[w:Fascist Revolutionary Party |Revolutionary Fascist Party]] (1919) in ''Fascism and Big Business'' by Daniel Guerin (1973) p. 83. From article in Mussolini’s ''[[w:Il Popolo d’Italia | Popolo d’Italia]]'' on June 19, 1919.

* We want an extraordinary heavy [[taxation]], with a progressive character, on [[capital]], that will represent an authentic partial [[Redistribution of income and wealth|expropriation of all wealth]]; seizures of all assets of religious congregations and suppression of all the ecclesiastic Episcopal revenues, in what constitutes an enormous deficit of the nation and a privilege for a minority; revisions of all contracts made by the war ministers and seizure of 85% of all war profits.
** From Mussolini's Fasci Italiani di Combattimento (Italian Combat Fasci), ''Il Popolo d'Italia'' newspaper, June 6, 1919. Speech published in ''Revolutionary Fascism'', by Erik Norling, Lisbon, Finis Mundi Press (2011) p. 92.

===1920s===
* [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] is an artist who has worked men, as other artists have worked marble or [[Metallurgy|metals]]. But men are harder than [[stone]] and less malleable than [[iron]]. There is no masterpiece. The [[artist]] has failed. The task was superior to his capacities.
**''Popolo d'Italia'' (14 July 1920) &quot;The Artificer and the Material,&quot; quoted in ''Mussolini in the Making'' (1938) by Gaudens Megaro, p. 326

* When dealing with such a [[Racism|race]] as Slavic - inferior and barbarian - we must not pursue the carrot, but the stick policy [...] We should not be afraid of new victims [...] The Italian border should run across the Brenner Pass, Monte Nevoso and the Dinaric Alps: I would say we can easily sacrifice 500,000 barbaric Slavs for 50,000 [[Italy|Italians]].
**Speech held in Pula, 20 September 1920&lt;ref name=&quot;Sestani2012-02&quot;&gt;{{cite book |url=http://www.provincia.lucca.it/scuolapace/uploads/quaderni/ricordo2012.pdf |title=I profugi istriani, dalmati e fiumani a Lucca |language=Italian |trans-title=The Istrian, Dalmatian and Rijeka Refugees in Lucca |publisher=Instituto storico della Resistenca e dell'Età Contemporanea in Provincia di Lucca |chapter=Il confine orientale: una terra, molti esodi |trans-chapter=The Eastern Border: One Land, Multiple Exoduses |date=10 February 2012 |editor=Sestani, Armando |pages=12–13}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref name=&quot;Pirjevec 2008 27&quot;&gt;{{cite book |chapter-url=http://www.znaci.net/00001/179.pdf |first=Jože |last=Pirjevec |chapter=The Strategy of the Occupiers |title=Resistance, Suffering, Hope: The Slovene Partisan Movement 1941–1945 |year=2008 |isbn=978-961-6681-02-5 |page=27}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* Three cheers for the [[war]]. Three cheers for Italy's war and three cheers for war in general. Peace is hence absurd or rather a pause in war.
** ''Popolo d'Italia'' (Feb. 1, 1921), quoted in ''The Menace of Fascism'', John Strachey (1933) p. 65

* We deny the existence of two classes, because there are many more than two classes. We deny that human history can be explained in terms of [[economics]]. We deny your [[w:internationalism|internationalism]]. That is a luxury article which only the elevated can practise, because peoples are passionately bound to their native soil. &lt;br&gt; We affirm that the true story of [[capitalism]] is now beginning, because capitalism is not a system of [[oppression]] only, but is also a selection of values, a coordination of [[Hierarchy|hierarchies]], a more amply developed sense of individual [[responsibility]].
** Speech (21 June 1921), {{cite news|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=DML39RmvsmYC&amp;pg=PA120&amp;dq=%E2%80%9CWe+deny+your+internationalism%22+mussolini&amp;lr=&amp;sig=gTHVLgfaIKPCn_jW8f0phjDKrAI|publisher=Ion Smeaton Munro|title= Through Fascism to World Power: A History of the Revolution in Italy|date=[[27 January]] 2008}}

* We assert—and on the basis of the most recent socialist literature that you cannot deny—that the real history of capitalism is only now beginning, because capitalism is not just a system of oppression; it also represents a choice of value,…
** As quoted in ''Mediterranean Fascism 1919-1945'', edit., Charles F. Delzell, The MacMillian Press (1970) p. 23. Speech given on June 21, 1921 in Italy’s Chamber of Deputies.

* '''I know the [[Communism|Communists]]. I know them because some of them are my children…'''
** Speech quoted in ''Three Faces of Fascism: Action Française, Italian Fascism, National Socialism'' by [[w:Ernst Nolte | Ernst Nolte]], Henry Holt &amp; Company, Inc. (1966) p. 154. Speech given on June 21, 1921 in Italy’s Chamber of Deputies.
*** Conosco i comunisti. Li conosco perchè parte di loro sono i miei figli... intendiamoci... spirituali. 
****''Camera dei Deputati'': [https://storia.camera.it/regno/lavori/leg26/sed004.pdf TORNATA DEL 21 GIUGNO 1921] p. 95 top left.

* I shall defend this pact with all my strength, and if Fascism does not follow me in collaboration with the Socialists, at least no one can force me to follow Fascism.
** As quoted in ''Italy: A Modern History'', Denis Mack Smith, University of Michigan Press (1959) p. 352, [[w:Pact of Pacification | Pact of Pacification]], 1921

* [Provincial Fascism is] “no longer liberation, but tyranny; no longer protector of the nation, but defense of private interests and of the dullest, deafest, most miserable cast that exists in Italy.&quot;
** Quoted in ''The Making of Fascism: Class, State, and Counter-Revolution, Italy 1919-1922'', Dahlia S. Elazar, Westport, CT, Praeger, 2001, p. 141 and in ''Fascism in Ferrara, 1915-1925'', Paul Corner, New York, NY, London: UK, Oxford Univ. Press, 1975, p. 193, n.5, [[w:Pact of Pacification | Pact of Pacification]], 1921

* To-morrow&lt;!--sic--&gt;, Fascists and communists, both persecuted by the police, may arrive at an agreement, sinking their differences until the time comes to share the spoils. I realise that though there are no political affinities between us, there are plenty of intellectual affinities. Like them, we believe in the necessity for a centralised and unitary state, imposing an iron discipline on everyone, but with the difference that they reach this conclusion through the idea of class, we through the idea of the nation.
** As quoted in ''The Myth of the Nation and the Vision of Revolution'', [[w:Jacob Talmon | Jacob Talmon]], University of California Press (1981) p. 494, Mussolini's declaration near the end of 1921

* Everything I have said and done in these last years is [[relativism]] by intuition. If relativism signifies contempt for fixed categories and those who claim to be the bearers of objective immortal truth … then there is nothing more relativistic than Fascist attitudes and activity... From the fact that all ideologies are of equal value, that all ideologies are mere fictions, the modern relativist infers that everybody has the right to create for himself his own ideology and to attempt to enforce it with all the energy of which he is capable.
** ''Diuturna'' [The Lasting] (1921) as quoted in ''Rational Man : A Modern Interpretation of Aristotelian Ethics'' (1962) by H. B. Veatch
&lt;!-- ** Unsourced variant: If relativism signifies contempt for fixed categories and those who claim to be the bearers of objective immortal truth … then there is nothing more relativistic than Fascist attitudes and activity... From the fact that all ideologies are of equal value, we Fascists conclude that we have the right to create our own ideology and to enforce it with all the energy of which we are capable. --&gt;

*'''[[Christ]] is dead and his teachings moribund.'''
**As quoted in ''Twentieth Century Journey: The Start 1904-1930'', [[w: William L. Shirer| William L. Shirer]], Little, Brown &amp; Company, (1976) p. 402 (proclaimed in 1922) 

* Our program is simple: we wish to govern Italy. They ask us for programs but there are already too many. It is not programs that are wanting for the salvation of Italy but men and will power.
**Speech at Udine (September 20, 1922) &quot;The Question of Regime. The Monarchy and Fascism,&quot; quoted in ''A History of Civilization'' (1955) by Crane Brinton, John B. Christopher, and Robert Lee Wolff, p. 520

*The measures adopted to restore public order are: First of all, the elimination of the so-called subversive elements. ...They were elements of disorder and subversion. On the morrow of each conflict '''I gave the categorical order to confiscate the largest possible number of weapons of every sort and kind.''' This confiscation, which continues with the utmost energy, has given satisfactory results.
**Speech before the Italian Senate (8 June 1923). ''Mussolini as Revealed in His Political Speeches'' (London &amp; Toronto: J.M. Dent &amp; Sons Ltd., 1923), pp. 308-309.

* What is freedom? There is no such thing as absolute freedom!
** As quoted in &quot;[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,716187,00.html Eja! Eja! Alala!&quot; in ''Time'' magazine (23 July 1923)]

* Liberty is a duty, not a right.
**Speech on the 5th anniversary of the Combat Leagues (24 March 1924) quoted in ''Ezra Pound and Italian Fascism'' (1991) by Tim Redman, p. 114.

* '''God does not exist'''—religion in science is an absurdity, in practice an immorality and in men a disease.
** “Religion: Benito a Christian?” ''Time'' magazine (August 25, 1924)

* State intervention in economic production arises only when private initiative is lacking or insufficient, or when the political interests of the State are involved. This intervention may take the form of control, assistance or direct management.
** Quoted from “The Labor Charter: The Corporate State and its Organization”, promulgated by Mussolini's Grand Council of Fascism, Article 9, (April 21, 1927) Copy found in ''Mediterranean Fascism 1919-1945'', Charles F. Delzell, The MacMillan Press, (1971) p. 122. Also in Benito Mussolini’s “Doctrine of Fascism”, published as “Fascism: Doctrine and Institutions” (1935), Rome: Ardita Publishers, p.135-136.

* [[Democracy]] is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in [[America]] will see that some day.
**to [[w:Edwin Leland James|Edwin L. James]] of the [[w:New York Times|New York Times]] (1928)

* '''Fascism entirely agrees with Mr. [[John Maynard Keynes|Maynard Keynes]]''', despite the latter's prominent position as a Liberal. In fact, Mr. Keynes' excellent little book, ''The End of Laissez-Faire'' (1926) might, so far as it goes, serve as a useful introduction to fascist economics. There is scarcely anything to object to in it and there is much to applaud.
** As quoted from Mussolini's review of Keynes' new book in ''Universal Aspects of Fascism'', [[w:James Strachey Barnes | James Strachey Barnes]],  Williams and Norgate, London: UK, (1928) pp. 113-114

* Let us have a dagger between our teeth, a bomb in our hands and an infinite scorn in our hearts.
** Speech (1928), as quoted in ''The Great Quotations'' (1966) by George Seldes, p. 349

*...It was therefore not sufficient to create—as some have said superficially—an anti-altar to the altar of [[socialism]]. It was necessary to imagine a wholly new political conception, adequate to the living reality of the twentieth century, overcoming at the same time the ideological worship of [[liberalism]], the limited horizons of various spent and exhausted democracies, and finally the violently [[Utopian]] spirit of [[Communism|Bolshevism]].
**''My Autobiography'', New York, C. Scribner's Sons, 1928. Reprinted in Benito Mussolini, ''My Rise And Fall, Volumes 1-2'' [[w:Da Capo Press|Da Capo Press]], 1998 (p. 68-9)

*Standing by me and helping my work as newspaper man were the Fascisti. They were composed of revolutionary spirits who believed in intervention. They were youths—the students of the universities, the socialist syndicalists—destroying faith in [[Karl Marx]] by their ideals.
**''My Autobiography'', New York, C. Scribner's Sons, 1928. Reprinted in ''Benito Mussolini, My Rise And Fall'', Volumes 1-2 Da Capo Press, 1998 (p.40).

* My labor had not been easy nor light; our Masonry had spun a most intricate net of anti-religious activity; it dominated the currents of thought; it exercised its influence over publishing houses, over teaching, over the administration of justice and even over certain dominant sections of the armed forces. To give an idea of how far things had gone, this significant example is sufficient. When, in parliament, I delivered my first speech of November 16, 1922, after the Fascist revolution, I concluded by invoking the assistance of [[God]] in my difficult task. Well, this sentence of mine seemed to be out of place! In the Italian parliament, a field of action for Italian Masonry, the name of God had been banned for a long time. Not even the Popular party — the so-called Catholic party — had ever thought of speaking of God. In Italy, a political man did not even turn his thoughts to the Divinity. And, even if he had ever thought of doing so, political opportunism and cowardice would have deterred him, particularly in a legislative assembly. It remained for me to make this bold innovation! And in an intense period of revolution! What is the truth! It is that a faith openly professed is a sign of strength. I have seen the religious spirit bloom again; churches once more are crowded, the [[Clergy|ministers of God]] are themselves invested with new respect. Fascism has done and is doing its duty.
** ''My Autobiography'' (1928)

* Fascism was not the protector of any one class, but a supreme regulator of the relations between all citizens of a state.
** ''My Autobiography '', New York: NY, Charles Scribner’s Sons (1928) p. 280

* The citizen in the Fascist State is no longer a selfish individual who has the anti-social right of rebelling against any law of the Collectivity.
** ''My Autobiography'' by Mussolini, New York: NY, Charles Scribner’s Sons (1928) p. 280

*The integral reclamation of our national territory is an enterprise the achievement of which would alone suffice to make the [[revolution]] of the Blackshirts glorious down the centuries.
**Speech to farmers and peasants in Rome (14 October 1928), quoted in Carl T. Schmidt, ''The Plough and the Sword: Labor, Land, and Property in Fascist Italy'' (1938), p. 73

* All within the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state. 
**Speech to Chamber of Deputies (9 December 1928), quoted in ''Propaganda and Dictatorship'' (2007) by Marx Fritz Morstein, p. 48

====Mussolini as Revealed in his Political Speeches (November 1914—August 1923) (1923)====
:&lt;small&gt;[Selected, translated and edited by Barone Bernardo Quaranta di San Severino, London &amp; Toronto, J.M. Dent &amp; Sons, LTD., New York, E.P. Dutton &amp; Co.&lt;/small&gt;   
  
*But you have not seen the last of me!  Twelve years of my party life are, or ought to be, a sufficient guarantee of my faith in Socialism. Socialism is something which takes root in the heart… Do not think that in taking away my membership card you will be taking away my faith in the cause, or that you will prevent my still working for Socialism and revolution.  
**“Mussolini the ‘Socialist’” Speech in Milan (25 November 1914) Mussolini the “Socialist” p. 5  
  
*The Socialists, and I am still one, although an exasperated one, never brought forward the question of irredentism, but left it to the Republicans. We are in favour of a national war. But there are also reasons, purely socialist in character, which spur us on towards intervention. 
**“Mussolini the ‘Man of the War’” speech delivered at the Mazza, Parma (13 December 1914) p. 15 
 
*''The Revolutionary War.'' To say that we are causing a [[revolution]] in order to obtain war, is to say something which we cannot maintain. We do have not the strength. We find ourselves face to face with formidable coalitions, but the ''fasci'' of action have this object, to create that state of mind which will impose war upon the country. 
**“The Man of the War” speech in Malan (25 January 1915) p. 23 
 
*The country is young, but its institutions are old; and when — If I may be allowed to quote once more from Karl Marx, the old Pangermanist — a conflict between new forces and old institutions begins to shape itself, that means that the new wine cannot any longer be kept in the old skins, or the inevitable will occur. The old forces of the political and social life of Italy will fall into fragments. 
**“The Man of the War” speech in Malan (25 January 1915) p. 24 
 
*''The Socialist Intervention.'' We Socialists who were in favour of intervention advocated war, because we divined that it contained within it the seeds of revolution. It is not the first instance of revolutionary war. There were the [[w:Napoleonic_wars|Napoleonic wars]], the [[Franco-Prussian War|war of 1870]], the [[Unification of Italy|enterprises]] of [[Giuseppe Garibaldi|Garibaldi]], in which, had we lived in those days, we should have joined in the same spirit and same faith. 
**“To the Complete Vanquishing of the Huns” speech delivered at Sesto San Giovanni (1 December 1917) p. 27 
 
*[[w:Karl Marx|Karl Marx]], too, was a jingoist. In 1855 he wrote that [[Germany]] would have been obligated to declare war against [[Russia]]; and in 1870 he said of the [[French people|French]]: ‘They must be defeated! They will never be sufficiently beaten.’ And when in 1871 the Socialists of France, with Latin ingenuousness, after declaring the Republic, sent a passionate appeal to the [[German Empire|Germans]] for peace, Karl Marx said: ‘These imbeciles of Frenchmen claim that for their rag of a [[republic]] we should renounce all the advantages of this war.’ ''One does not deny one’s country.'' It is possible to remain a Socialist and be in favour of certain wars. 
**“To the Complete Vanquishing of the Huns” speech delivered at Sesto San Giovanni (1 December 1917) p. 27 
 
*We are one with the [[United States]]. This is [[Internationalism]], the real, true and lasting Internationalism, even if it has not got the formulas, dogmas and chrism of Socialism made official. It is in the trenches, where soldiers of different nationalities have crossed six thousand leagues of ocean to come and die in [[Europe]]. 
**“The Fatal Victory” speech at the Teatro Comunale, Bologna (24 May 1918) p. 46 
*As [[Christopher Columbus|Italy discovered America]], so [[United States|America]] and the rest of the [[Americas|New World]] must discover Italy, not only in the great towns, pulsating with life and humming with [[industry]], but also in the country, where the humble labourers wait with quiet resignation for the dawn of a victorious and just peace to appear on the horizon. 
**“In honour of the American People” speech (8 April 1918) p. 49 
 
*No nation can become greater in which there are enormous masses condemned to the conditions of life of [[Prehistory|prehistoric]] humanity.  
**“[[w:The League of Nations | The League of Nations]]” speech in Milan (20 October 1918), p. 52 
 
*All other parties and associations argue on a basis of dogma and from the standpoint of definite preconceptions and infallible ideals. We, being an anti-party, have no preconceptions. We are not like the Socialists, who always think that the [[Working class|working masses]] are in the right, and we are not like the [[Conservatism|Conservatives]], who think that they are always in the wrong… First, we have kept in mind the general interests of the nation, particularly as regards the recent strikes. Secondly, we have considered the subject of production, because if we kill production, if to-day we render sterile the fount of economic activity, to-morrow there will be universal [[poverty]].   
**“Sacrifice, Work, and Production” Speech in Milan before the Fascio Milanese Combattimento (5 February 1920) p. 67  
*I think that within five or six months’ time there will be quite a few Socialists who will recognize that I am the only Socialist that there has been in Italy for the last five years; and I am not being paradoxical, even if I add that the [[w:Italian Socialist Party|Socialist Party]] on the whole is detestable.  
**“Sacrifice, Work, and Production” Speech in Milan before the Fascio Milanese Combattimento (5 February 1920) p. 69  
  
*We do not intend to oppose the movement of the working classes, only to unmask the work of mystification which is carried on by a horde of middle-class, lower-middle-class and pseudo-middle-class men, who think that they have become the saviours of humanity by the mere fact of being possessed of a card of membership. ‘We are not against the proletariat, but against the Socialist Party in as far as it continues to be anti-Italian.’ The Socialist Party continued, after the victory, to abuse the war, to fight against those who had been in favour of intervention, threatening reprisals and excommunication. 
**“We Are Not Against Labour, But Against the Socialist Party, in as far as it Remains Anti-Italian” speech at Milan (24 May 1920), p. 73 
 
*How does it come about that we are said to be sold to the [[w:Middle class | middle class]], [[w:Capitalism  |capitalism]] and the Government? But already our enemies dare no longer continue this accusation, so false and ridiculous it is. 
**“Fascismo’s Interests for the Working Classes” speech delivered at Prato della Marfisia in Ferrara (4 April 1921) p. 76 
 
*I must tell you that the government over which I have the honour of presiding never has had, never can and never will have the intentions of following a so-called anti-labour policy. On the contrary, I want to praise the working classes, who do not put obstacles in the way of the Government, who work, and who have practically abolished strikes. They have redeemed themselves, because they no longer believe in the Asiatic Utopia which came from Russia; they believe in themselves, in their work; they believe in the possibility, which for me is a certainty, of a prosperous Italian nation.  
**“Labor to Take the First Place in New Italy” delivered to a representative gathering of Fascisti dock-workers from Genoa in Rome (6 January 1923) p. 82 
 
*I could understand a strike which had as its object the setting up of the Soviet in Italy, but I do not understand or admit this one, which is without aim, object or justification. It must and will fail, because the leaders themselves are in the ''cul de sac'' of this dilemma: either tragedy, because the State at this moment has its repressive machinery in full working order; or comedy, in the event of a revolt on the part of the workmen already outlined, and due to their being tired of serving a Socialist Party mostly composed of middle-class elements.  
**“Outline of the Aims and Programme of Fascismo” speech delivered in Milan at the Liceo Beccaria (22 July 1919) p. 97 
 
*I am a [[w: Revolutionary |revolutionary]] and a [[w: Reactionary |reactionary]]. Really, life is always like this. I am afraid of the revolution which destroys and does not create. I fear going to extremes, the policy of madness, at the bottom of which may lie the destruction of this our fragile mechanical civilization, robbed of its solid moral basis, and the coming of a terrible race of dominators who would reintroduce discipline into the world and re-establish the necessary hierarchies with the cracking of whips and machine-guns. 
**“Outline of the Aims and Programme of Fascismo” speech delivered in Milan at the Liceo Beccaria (22 July 1919) p. 98 
 
*The Electoral Reform will pass. The scrutiny of lists and proportional representation will pass. That will determine, for obvious reasons, the great coalitions—the Socialist-Leninist, the Clerical-Popular, and, '''lastly ours, which might be called the ‘Alliance for the Constituent,’ the Republican Alliance or the group of the ‘interveners’ of the Left.''' 
**“Outline of the Aims and Programme of Fascismo” speech delivered in Milan at the Liceo Beccaria (22 July 1919) p. 101 
 
*We are [[w:Syndicalism|syndicalists]], because we think that by means of the mass it may be possible to determine an economic readjustment… 
**“Fascismo and the Rights of Victory” speech delivered at Florence (9 October 1919) p. 106 
 
*Our destiny cannot become universal unless it is transplanted to the pagan ground of Rome. By means of [[w:Paganism|Panganism]] Rome found her form and found the means of upholding herself in the world. 
**“The Tasks of Fascismo” speech delivered at the Politeama Rossetti at Trieste (20 September 1920) p. 113  
 
*'''But after all, my dear friends, does [[w:Bolshevism |Bolshevism]] exist in [[Russia]]? It does not any longer. There are no longer councils of the factories, but [[Dictatorship|dictators]] of the factories; no longer eight hours of work, but twelve; no longer equal salaries, but thirty-five different categories, not according to need, but according to merit. There is not in Russia even that liberty which there is in Italy. Is there a [[dictatorship of the proletariat]]? No! Is there a dictatorship of the Socialists? No!''' There is a dictatorship of a few intelligent men, not workmen, who belong to a section of the Socialist Party, and their dictatorship is opposed by all other sections. This dictatorship of a few men is what is called Bolshevism. Now we do not want this in Italy.  
**“The Tasks of Fascismo” speech delivered at the Politeama Rossetti at Trieste (20 September 1920) pp. 116-117

*Foolish and reactionary and Conservative contraband practices must not be carried on under the Fascista flag… We are the first to recognize that a State law should grant the eight-hour day, and that there should be social legislation corresponding to the exigencies of the new times. 
**“How Fascismo was Created” speech (3 April 1921) delivered at the Teatro Comunale of Bologna, p. 139 
 
*We play upon every cord of the lyre, from violence to religion, from art to politics. We are politicians and we are warriors. We are syndicalists and we also fight battles in the streets and the squares. That is Fascismo as it was conceived at Milan… 
**“The Fascista Dawning of New Italy” speech (6 October 1922) delivered at Milan at the “Sciesa,” p. 168 
 
*I recognize the fact that the sacrifices made by the [[w:Italian_Jews|Italian Jews]] during the war were considerable and generous, but now it is a question of examining certain political positions and of indicating what line the government might eventually adopt… This is in the interest of the [[Judaism|Jews]], who, having fled from the [[w:Pogrom |pogroms]] of [[Ukraine]] and [[Poland]], must not meet [[Arabs|Arab]] pogroms in [[Mandatory Palestine|Palestine]]; moreover, it is advisable that the Western nations should refrain from creating a painful legal position for the Jews, since to-morrow those same Jews, becoming citizen-subjects of those States, might immediately form foreign colonies within them. 
**“Italy, Sionism, and the English Mandate in Palestine” speech (21 June 1921) delivered in the Italian parliament Chamber, p. 195  
 
*Our position is different as regards the Socialist Party. In the first place we are careful to make a distinction between party Socialism and the Socialism of Labour.
**&quot;The Attitude of Fascismo towards Communism and Socialism,” speech (21 June 1921) delivered in the Italian parliament Chamber, p 197

*Not only this, but we affirm, and on the strength of recent Socialist literature, which you ought not to repudiate, that the real history of [[capitalism]] is beginning now, because capitalism is not only a system of oppression, but a selection of that which is of most worth, a co-ordination of hierarchies, a more strongly developed sense of individual responsibility. So true is this that [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], after having instituted the building councils, abolished them and put in dictators; so true is it that, after having nationalised commerce, he reintroduced the regime of liberty; and as you who have been in Russia well know, after having suppressed—even physically—the bourgeoisie, to-day he summons it back, because without capitalism and its technical system of production, Russia could never rise again. 
** “The Attitude of Fascismo towards Communism and Socialism,” speech (21 June 1921) delivered in the Italian parliament Chamber, p. 199  
 
*[[w:Social democracy| Social Democracy]] seems to have a very ambiguous position. First of all one wonders why it is called Social Democracy. A democracy is already necessarily social; we think, however that this Social Democracy is a kind of Trojan horse which holds within it an army against whom we shall always be at war. 
** “The Attitude of Fascismo towards the Popular Party. The Vatican and Social Democracy,” speech (21 June 1921) delivered in the Italian parliament Chamber, p. 203 

*To make a revolution it is not necessary to play the great drama of the area. We have left many dead on the roads to [[Rome]] and naturally anybody who deludes himself is a fool. We have the power and we shall hold it. We shall defend it against anybody! The revolution lies in this firm determination to hold power!
** “The Election Reform Bill,” speech (16 July 1923) delivered at the Chamber of Deputies, p. 354

*I had the courage to transform the eight-hours day into a law of the State. Do not despise this victory; do not undervalue it. I have approved all the social and pacifist Conventions of Washington… No exceptional laws were pasted, and the regulation of the Press is not an exceptional law.
**“The Election Reform Bill,” speech (16 July 1923) delivered at the Chamber of Deputies, p. 355

===1930s===
* [[Giovanni De Martino]] is the most important exponent of Italian art, the pride of Italy.
** Quadriennale di Roma, 1931
*I am proud to be your friend, your brother, your leader. ... The Government looks on the [[Peasant|peasants]], in war and in peace, as the fundamental forces on which the country relies for its success. ... As between the city and the village, I am for the village. ... The time for a prevalently urban policy has passed. ... The people who abandon the land are condemned to decadence. ... I have willed that [[agriculture]] take first place in the Italian economy.
**''L'agricoltura e i rurali: Discorsi e scritti'' (1931), pp. 109-110, quoted in Carl T. Schmidt, ''The Plough and the Sword: Labor, Land, and Property in Fascist Italy'' (1938), p. 42

* The [[Fascist]] State has never tried to create its own [[God]], as at one moment [[Robespierre]] and the wildest extremists of the Convention tried to do; nor does it vainly seek to obliterate religion from the hearts of men [[Marxism and religion|as does Bolshevism]]: Fascism respects the God of the [[Asceticism|ascetics]], of the [[saints]], of the [[heroes]], and also [[God]] as seen and prayed to by the simple and primitive heart of the people.
**''The Doctrine of Fascism'', June 1932. Quoted in Charles Floyd Delzell, ''Mediterranean Fascism, 1919-45'' Springer, 1971

*A unanimous, universally-accepted theory of Socialism did not exist after 1905, when the revisionist movement began in Germany under the leadership of [[Eduard Bernstein|Bernstein]], which under pressure of the tendencies of the time, '''a Left Revolutionary movement also appeared, which though never getting further than talk in Italy, in Russian Socialistic circles laid the foundations of Bolshevism.'''
**“The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism, “Hogarth Press, London, (1933), p. 7 [http://media.wix.com/ugd/927b40_c1ee26114a4d480cb048f5f96a4cc68f.pdf]

*When, in the now distant March of 1919, I summoned a meeting at [[Milan]] through the columns of the Popolo d'Italia of the surviving members of the Interventionist Party who had themselves been in action, and who had followed me since the creation of the Fascist Revolutionary Party (which took place in January of 1915). 
**As quoted in Mussolini’s “The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism”, [[w:Jane Soames|Jane Soames]] translator, Hogarth Press, London, authorized edition (1933) p. 7.

* Yet the Fascist State is unique, and an original creation. It is not reactionary, but revolutionary, in that it anticipates the solution of the universal political problems which elsewhere have to be settled in the political field by the rivalry of parties, the excessive power of the Parliamentary regime and the irresponsibility of political assemblies.
** As quoted in “The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism”, Jane Soames translator, Hogarth Press, London, authorized edition (1933) p. 23

* Above all, Fascism, in so far as it considers and observes the future and the development of humanity quite apart from political considerations of the moment, believes neither in the possibility nor the utility of perpetual peace. It thus repudiates the doctrine of [[Pacifism]] — born of a renunciation of struggle and an act of cowardice in the face of sacrifice. War alone brings up to its highest tension all human energy and puts the stamp of nobility upon the people who have the courage to meet it. All other trials are substitutes, which never really put a man in front of himself in the alternative of life and death.
**&quot;[[w:The Doctrine of Fascism|The Doctrine of Fascism]]&quot; (1932), credited to Mussolini but ghostwritten by Giovanni Gentile; quoted in ''Fascism, Anti-Fascism, and the Resistance in Italy : 1919 to the Present'' (2004) by Stanislao G. Pugliese, p. 89

* The Fascist accepts life and loves it, knowing nothing of and despising suicide; he rather conceives of life as duty and struggle and conquest, life which should be high and full, lived for oneself, but above all for others — those who are at hand and those who are far distant, contemporaries, and those who will come after.
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot; (1932)

*'''It was inevitable that I should become a Socialist ultra, a Blanquist, indeed a communist. I carried about a medallion with [[Karl Marx|Marx]]’s head on it in my pocket.''' I think I regarded it as a sort of talisman… [Marx] had a profound critical intelligence and was in some sense even a prophet.
** As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini '', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933) p. 38. Interview between March 23 and April 4, 1932, at the Palazzo di Venezia in Rome [https://archive.org/details/talkswithmussoli006557mbp]

*I never felt that there was any conflict between my military duties and my Socialism. Why should not a good [[Soldiers|soldier]] be also a fighter in the [[Class conflict|class war]]?
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933), p. 41, interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*A revolutionist is born, not made.
**''Talks with Mussolini'', interviewer Emil Ludwig, Boston: MA, Little, Brown and Company, 1933, p. 66. Interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*[[Race]]! It is a feeling, not a reality: ninety-five percent, at least, is a feeling. Nothing will ever make me believe that biologically pure races can be shown to exist today. Amusingly enough, not one of those who have proclaimed the &quot;nobility&quot; of the Teutonic race was himself a Teuton.
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933) pp. 69-70. Interview between March 23 and April 4, 1932, at the Palazzo di Venezia in Rome [https://archive.org/details/talkswithmussoli006557mbp]

*National pride has no need of the delirium of race. Anti-Semitism does not exist in Italy… Whenever things go awry in Germany, the Jews are blamed for it.
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933) pp. 70-71. Mussolini’s interview was in 1932.

*Here in Italy Socialism was a unifying factor. All Italian historians have recognized this. The Socialists of Italy were advocates of one idea and of one nation. From 1892, when they cut adrift from the anarchists at the Congress of Genoa, down till 1911, they battled for on behalf of a united Italy.” 
** ''Talks with Mussolini'', interviewer Emil Ludwig, Boston: MA, Little, Brown, and Company, 1933, pp. 82-83 Interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*As long as 1911, when I was still a member of the Socialist Party, I wrote that the Gordian knot of [[Council of Trent|Trent]] could be cut only by the sword. At the same date I declared that war is usually the prelude to revolution. It was therefore easy for me, when the Great War broke out, to predict the [[Russian Revolution|Russian]] and the [[w:German_revolution_of_1918|German revolutions]].
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', Emil Ludwig, Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933), p. 84, Interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*Socialism is not Arcadian and peaceful. We do not believe in the sacredness of human life.
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933), p. 151, interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*The Fascist State directs and controls the ''entrepreneurs'', whether it be in our fisheries or in our heavy industry in the Val d'Aosta. There the State actually owns the mines and carries on transport, for the railways are state property. So are many of the factories… We term it state intervention… If anything fails to work properly, the State intervenes. The capitalists will go on doing what they are told, down to the very end. They have no option and cannot put up any fight. Capital is not God; it is only a means to an end.
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933), pp. 153-154, Interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*There is a great deal of Prussianism in German Socialism. My impression has been that that explains why German Socialists are so disciplined.
**As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933), p. 162, interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

*'''I admire Lassalle.''' He was a man of first-class intelligence and endowed with far more imagination than Marx. That was why his vision of the days to come was far less catastrophic than that of Marx. 
**''Talks with Mussolini'', interviewer Emil Ludwig, Boston: MA, Little, Brown and Company, 1933, p. 201. Interview took place between March 23 and April 4, 1932

* Speeches made to the people are essential to the arousing of enthusiasm for a war.
** As quoted in ''Talks with Mussolini'', [[Emil Ludwig]], Boston, MA, Little, Brown and Company (1933). Mussolini’s interview was in 1932.

* I want to make my own life a masterpiece.
**''Talks with Mussolini'' (1932), quoting earlier remarks
** Variant: I shall make my own life a masterpiece.
** As quoted in &quot;[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,777927-4,00.html Duce (1922-42)&quot; in ''Time'' magazine (2 August 1943)]

*Fascism denies that numbers, as such, can direct human society. It denies that numbers can govern by means of periodical consultations: It asserts the unavoidable fruitful and beneficent [[inequality]] of men who cannot be leveled by any such mechanical and extrinsic device as [[democracy|universal suffrage]].
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot;, June 1932. Quoted in   Marco Piraino, Stefano Fiorito, ''Fascist identity : political project and doctrine of fascism''. Lulu.com, 2009. (p. 107)

* '''For Fascism, the growth of [[imperialism|Empire]], that is to say the expansion of the nation, is an essential manifestation of vitality, and its opposite a sign of decadence.''' Peoples which are rising, or rising again after a period of decadence, are always imperialist; any renunciation is a sign of decay and of death. Fascism is the doctrine best adapted to represent the tendencies and the aspirations of a people, like the people of Italy, who are rising again after many centuries of abasement and foreign servitude. But Empire demands discipline, the coordination of all forces and a deeply felt sense of duty and sacrifice.
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot;, June 1932. Quoted in Paul O'Brien, ''Mussolini in the First World War: The Journalist, the Soldier, the Fascist''. [[w:Bloomsbury Publishing|Bloomsbury Publishing]], 2014. Also in Peter N. Stearns, ''World History in Documents: A Comparative Reader''. [[w:New York University Press|NYU Press]], 2008.

* Fascism conceives of the State as an absolute, in comparison with which all individuals or groups are relative, only to be conceived in their relation to the State.
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot; (1932), quoted in ''The New York Times'' (11 January 1935)

* If the [[19th century|19th]] was the century of the individual (liberalism means individualism), you may consider that this is the &quot;[[Collectivism|collective]]&quot; century, and therefore the century of the state.
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot; (1932)

* I have no love for the Jews, but they have great influence everywhere. It is better to leave them alone. [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s [[antisemitism]] has already brought him more enemies than is necessary.
** Mussolini in conversation with the Austrian ambassador to Italy in 1932 over the then-predicted rise of Adolf Hitler to power in Germany. As quoted in ''Esau's Tears: Modern Anti-Semitism and the Rise of the Jews'', Albert S. Lindemann, Cambridge University Press (1997), p. 466

* Inside every [[Anarchism|anarchist]] is a failed dictator.
** Quote from ''The Golden Book Magazine'' Vol. 16 (1932), p. 206 translated from what Mussolini said to Emil Ludwig (Colloqui con Mussolini, 1932)

*The appeal to the decisiveness and masculine sobriety of the nation’s youth, with which [[Franklin Roosevelt |Roosevelt]] here calls his readers to battle, is reminiscent of the ways and means by which Fascism awakened the [[Italians|Italian people]].
**Mussolini’s book review in ''Popolo d’Italia'' (July 7, 1933) Cited from Marco Sedda, “Il New Deal nella pubblicisticà politica italiana dal 1933 al 1938,” Il politico, vol. 64 (1999), p. 250

*'''The question is often asked in America and in Europe just how much ‘Fascism’ the [[New Deal|American President’s program]] contains.''' Reminiscent of Fascism is the principle that the state no longer leaves the economy to its own devices, having recognized that the welfare of the economy is identical with the welfare of the people. Without question, the mood accompanying this sea change resembles that of Fascism. More than that cannot be said at the moment.
**Mussolini’s book review in Popolo d’Italia (July 7, 1933) Cited from Marco Sedda, “Il New Deal nella pubblicisticà politica italiana dal 1933 al 1938,” Il politico, vol. 64 (1999), p. 250

* Comrade [[w:Giuseppe_Tassinari|Tassinari]] was right in stating that for a revolution to be great, for it to make a deep impression on the life of the people and on history, it must be a social revolution.
** Speech to the National Corporative Council (November 14, 1933), in ''A Primer of Italian Fascism,'' edited/translated by Jeffrey T. Schnapp (2000) p.163.

* To-day we can affirm that the capitalistic method of [[production]] is out of date. So is the doctrine of [[laissez-faire | laissez-faire]], the theoretical basis of capitalism… To-day we are taking a new and decisive step in the path of revolution. A revolution, in order to be great, must be a social revolution.
** Speech on November 14, 1933 as quoted in ''Under the Axe of Fascism'', [[w:Gaetano Salvemini | Gaetano Salvemini]], London, UK, Victor Gollancz Ltd. (1936) p. 131

* Italy is not a capitalist country according to the meaning now conventionally assigned to that term.
** Address to the National Corporative Council (November 14, 1933), in ''A Primer of Italian Fascism,'' edited/translated by Jeffrey T. Schnapp (2000) p 160

*At a given moment the worker, the tiller of the soil, must be able to say to himself and to his family: &quot;If I am really better off today it is due to the institutions that the Fascist Revolution has created.&quot;
**Speech to the National Corporative Council (14 November 1933), quoted in Carl T. Schmidt, ''The Plough and the Sword: Labor, Land, and Property in Fascist Italy'' (1938), p. 105

* '''Three-fourths of the [[w:economy_of_Italy|Italian economy]], industrial and agricultural, is in the hands of the state.''' And if I dare to introduce to Italy [[state capitalism]] or [[w:State_socialism|state socialism]], which is the reverse side of the medal, I will have the necessary subjective and objective conditions to do it.
** ''The Oxford Handbook of the Italian Economy Since Unification'', by Gianni Toniolo, editor, Oxford University Press (2013) p. 59. Mussolini’s speech to the Chamber of Deputies on May 26, 1934

* I don't like the look of him.
** To his aide after Mussolini's first encounter with [[Hitler]] (1934), as quoted in ''The Gathering Storm'' (1946) by [[Winston Churchill]]

* The Truth Apparent, apparent to everyone's eyes who are not blinded by dogmatism, is that men are perhaps weary of liberty. They have a surfeit of it. [[Liberty]] is no longer the virgin, chaste and severe, to be fought for … we have buried the putrid corpse of liberty … the [[Italians|Italian people]] are a race of sheep.
** Written statement (1934), quoted in ''Fascism and Democracy in the Human Mind : A Bridge Between Mind and Society'' (2006) by Israel W. Charny, p. 23
** Variant translation: The truth is that men are tired of liberty.
** Attributed to Mussolini in ''Crash Gordon and the Mysteries of Kingsburg'' (2007) by Derek Swannson, p. 507; similar remarks are also attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]]
**A similar statement appears in &quot;Forza e Consenso&quot; ''Gerarchia'' magazine (March 1923), excerpted in [https://www.liberliber.it/online/autori/autori-m/benito-mussolini/cose-il-fascismo/ ''Cos'è il fascismo''] (1983)&lt;!-- and other works, this is also attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]] in ''Youth Leaders Digest'' (1939) --&gt;

*The order of the day is this: Within a few decades all peasants and farm workers must possess large, healthful houses, in which the rural generations can live through the centuries, in which the race will find a secure foundation. Only thus is it possible to combat the poisons of urbanism, only thus is it possible to bring back to the villages and fields the deluded peasants who have followed the urban mirage of money wages and easy diversions.
**Istituto Centrale di Statistica del Regno D'Italia, ''Indagine sulle case rurali in Italia'' (1934), p. 7, quoted in Carl T. Schmidt, ''The Plough and the Sword: Labor, Land, and Property in Fascist Italy'' (1938), p. 168

* Thirty centuries of [[history]] allow us to look with supreme pity on [[Nazism|certain doctrines which are preached beyond the Alps]] by [[Germans|the descendants of those who were illiterate]] when [[Rome (ancient city)|Rome]] had [[Caesar]], [[Virgil]] and [[Augustus]].
**Speech at the 5th Levantine Fair (6 September 1934) in reference to German Nordicism; quoted in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=vCA4AAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22Thirty+centuries+of+history+allow+us+to+look+with+supreme+pity%22&amp;dq=%22Thirty+centuries+of+history+allow+us+to+look+with+supreme+pity%22&amp;pgis=1 Hitler's Ten-year War on the Jews]'' (1946) by the Institute of Jewish Affairs

* I am not a collector of deserts!
**Remark to Pierre Laval (Jan. 5, 1935) on a proposed Ethiopian border, quoted in ''Duce!: A Biography of Benito Mussolini'' (1971) by Richard Collier, p. 125

* It is no longer economy aiming at individual [[profit]], but economy concerned with collective interest.
** Mussolini, ''Four Speeches on the Corporate State'', Laboremus, Roma, 1935, p. 38

* Fascism establishes the real equality of individuals before the nation… '''the object of the regime in the economic field is to ensure higher [[social justice]] for the whole of the Italian people'''… What does social justice mean? It means work guaranteed, fair wages, decent homes, it means the possibility of continuous evolution and improvement. Nor is this enough. It means that the workers must enter more and more intimately into the productive process and share its necessary discipline… '''As the past century was the century of capitalist power, the [[20th century|twentieth century]] is the century of [[power]] and glory of [[Work|labour]].'''
**''Four Speeches on the Corporate State'', Rome, (1935) pp. 39-40. Speech delivered to the workers in Milan. Eric Jabbari, ''Pierre Laroque and the Welfare State in Postwar France'', Oxford University Press, (2012) p. 46

* '''Against [[individualism]], the Fascist conception is for the State; and it is for the individual in so far as he coincides with the State . . . . It is opposed to [[Classical liberalism|classical Liberalism]]''' . . . . Liberalism denied the State in the interests of the particular individual; Fascism reaffirms the State as the true reality of the individual.
**&quot;The Doctrine of Fascism&quot; Firenze: Vallecchi Editore (1935 version), p. 13

* Fascism recognizes the real needs which gave rise to socialism and [[Trade unions|trade unionism]], giving them due weight in the guild or corporative system in which divergent interests are coordinated and harmonized in the unity of the State.
** “The Doctrine of Fascism” (1935 version), Firenze: Vallecchi Editore, p. 15

* Silence is the only answer you should give to the fools. Where ignorance speaks, intelligence should not give advices.
** The Lazio Speeches (1936), as quoted in ''The Book of Italian Wisdom'' by Antonio Santi, Citadel Press, (2003) p. 87.

* We do not argue with those who disagree with us, we destroy them.
** The Lazio Speeches (1936), as quoted in ''The Book of Italian Wisdom'' by Antonio Santi, Citadel Press, 2003. p. 88.

* '''I declare that henceforth [[capital]] and labor shall have equal rights and duties as brothers in the fascist family'''.
**As quoted in [https://digital.library.pitt.edu/islandora/object/pitt%3A31735061539114/viewer#page/2/mode/2up  ''The Fate of Trade Unions Under Fascism''], by [[w:Gaetano Salvemini|Gaetano Salvemini]], Chap. 3: “Italian Trade Unions under Fascism”, New York, NY, published by the Anti-Fascist Literature Committee, (1937), p. 35, Mussolini’s statement (Feb. 1928) 

* This is the epitaph I want on my tomb: &quot;Here lies one of the most intelligent animals who ever appeared on the face of the Earth.&quot;
** Remark to Galeazzo Ciano (December 19, 1937) quoted in ''The Book of Italian Wisdom'' (2003) by Antonio Santi, p. 50

* With regard to domestic policy, the current burning issue is the [[Racism|racial]] question. Also in this field we will adopt the necessary solutions. Those who believe that we have obediently imitated anyone, or worse, acted on suggestions, are poor fools toward whom we do not know if we should direct our contempt or our pity. The racial problem did not suddenly burst out of nowhere, as those who are accustomed to brusque awakenings think — since they are used to long armchair naps. '''It is in relation to imperial conquest; because history teaches us that [[Empire|empires]] are conquered by arms but are held by prestige. And for prestige it is necessary to have a clear, severe racial consciousness, that establishes not only the differences, but also very clear superiorities.'''
** Speech held in Trieste (September 18, 1938)&lt;ref name=trieste&gt;{{Cite web|url=https://www.archivioluce.com/2019/09/18/il-discorso-di-trieste/|title=Il discorso di Trieste|website=archivioluce|accessdate=2021-01-04}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* [[Antisemitism|World Jewry]] has been, for sixteen years, despite our policy, an irreconcilable enemy of Fascism. In Italy our policy has led, in the Semitic elements, to what can today be called a true rush to board the ship.
** Speech held in Trieste (September 18, 1938)&lt;ref name=trieste /&gt;

* No one knows better than I with forty years' political experience that policy--particularly a revolutionary policy--has its tactical requirements. I recognised the [[Soviet Union|Soviets]] in 1924. In 1934, I signed with them a treaty of commerce and friendship. I, therefore, understood that, especially as [[Joachim von Ribbentrop|Ribbentrop]]'s forecast about the non-intervention of [[United Kingdom|Britain]] and [[France]] has not come off, you are obliged to avoid the second front [with Russia]. You have had to pay for this in that Russia has, without striking a blow, been the great profiteer of the [[Invasion of Poland|war in Poland]] and the [[w:Baltic_States|Baltic]]. But I, who was born a revolutionary and have not modified my revolutionary mentality, tell you that you cannot permanently sacrifice the principles of ''your'' revolution to the tactical requirements of a given moment... I have also the definite duty to add that a further step in the relations with Moscow would have catastrophic repercussions in Italy, where the unanimity of [[Anti-communism|anti-Bolshevik]] feeling is absolute, granite-hard, and unbreakable. Permit me to think that this will not happen. The solution of your ''[[w:Lebensraum|Lebensraum]]'' is in Russia, and nowhere else... The day when we shall have demolished [[Bolsheviks|Bolshevism]] we shall have kept faith with both our revolutions. Then it will be the turn of the great democracies, who will not be able to survive the cancer which gnaws them...
** Letter to Hitler, quoted in [[Winston Churchill]]'s ''The Gathering Storm''

* [[British people|These men]] are not made of the same stuff as the [[Francis Drake]]s and the other magnificent adventurers who created the [[British Empire|empire]]. These, after all, are the tired sons of a long line of rich men, and they will lose their empire.
** Remarks to Count Ciano (11 January 1939) after meeting [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Lord Halifax]], quoted in Malcolm Muggeridge (ed.), ''Ciano's Diary, 1939–1943'' (1947),  pp. 9–10

* The shout of your legitimate exultation merges with the shout rising from all the cities of [[Spain]] now wholly free from the Reds’ infamy, and with the shout of the anti-Bolsheviks from all over the world. The bright victory of [[Barcelona]] is another chapter in the history of the new [[Europe]] we are creating. [[Francisco Franco|Franco]]’s magnificent troops and our intrepid legionnaires did not defeat only [[w:Juan_Negrin|Negrín]]’s government. Many others among our enemies are biting the dust right now. The Reds’ watchword was ‘''No pasarán''’, but we passed and, I am telling you, we will pass.
** January 26, 1939&lt;ref&gt;{{cite book|last=Priorelli|first=Giorgia|chapter=2|title=Italian Fascism and Spanish Falangism in Comparison: Constructing the Nation|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=dOPuDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA38|location=Rome|publisher=Palgrave Macmillan|year=2020|page=38|ISBN=978-3-030-46056-3|DOI=10.1007/978-3-030-46056-3}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* [[War]] is to [[man]] what [[Mothers|motherhood]] is to a [[Women|woman]]. From a philosophical and doctrinal viewpoint, I do not believe in perpetual peace.
**Speech to the Chamber of Deputies (28 April 1939), quoted in ''The Military Quotation Book'' (2002) by James Charlton, p. 2

===1940s===
* It is humiliating to remain with our hands folded while others write history. It matters little who wins. To make a people great it is necessary to send them to battle even if you have to kick them in the pants. That is what I shall do.
**Remark to Galeazzo Ciano (11 April 1940), quoted in ''Famous Lines : A Columbia Dictionary of Familiar Quotations'' (1997) by Robert Andrews. p. 330

* The watchword is only one, categorical and challenging for everyone. It already flies across and lights the hearts from the Alps to the Indian Ocean: Winning! And we will win, in order to finally give a long period of peace with justice to Italy, to Europe, to the world. **From the declaration of war's announce, 10 June 1940

* We go to battle against the [[Plutocracy|plutocratic]] and reactionary [[Democracy|democracies]] of the west… This gigantic struggle is nothing other than a phase in the logical development of our revolution; it is the struggle of peoples that are poor but rich in workers against the exploiters who hold on ferociously to the monopoly off all the riches and all the gold of the earth…
** “Declaration of War on France and England,” Mussolini Speech on June 10, 1940

* When the war is over, '''in the world's social revolution that will be followed by a more [[Redistribution of income and wealth|equitable distribution of the earth's riches]]''', due account must be kept of the sacrifices and of the discipline maintained by the Italian workers. The Fascist revolution will make another decisive step to shorten social distances.
** Mussolini’s speech in Rome, Italy, February 23, 1941. Published in the ''New York Times'', February 24, 1941.

* War is the normal state of the people.
** &quot;Duce (1922-42)&quot; in ''Time'' magazine (August 2, 1943)

* Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.
** Attributed in &quot;Duce (1922-42)&quot; in ''Time'' magazine (2 August 1943)
** Also quoted by [[w: Armando Diaz|Generale Armando Diaz]] in &quot;Il pensiero dei leoni&quot; in ''Il Carroccio. The Italian review'' (1922) attributed to graffiti by an unknown soldier [https://archive.org/stream/ilcarroccioitali15newyuoft#page/14/mode/2up]
** Though not precisely a repetition of any of them, this is somewhat resembles far earlier remarks attributed to others:
** An army of sheep led by a lion is better than an army of lions led by a sheep.
*** Attributed to [[Alexander the Great]], in ''The British Battle Fleet : Its Inception and Growth Throughout the Centuries to the Present Day'' (1915) by Frederick Thomas Jane
** To live like a lion for a day is far better than to live like a jackal for a hundred years.
*** [[Tipu Sultan]], as quoted in ''Encyclopedia of Asian History'' (1988) Vol. 4, p. 104
** It is far better to live like a tiger for a day than to live like a jackal for a hundred years.
*** [[Tipu Sultan]], as quoted in ''Tipu Sultan : A Study in Diplomacy and Confrontation'' (1982) by B. Sheikh Ali, p. 329
** I should prefer an army of stags led by a lion, to an army of lions led by a stag.
*** [[w: Chabrias | Chabrias ]], as quoted in ''A Treatise on the Defence of Fortified Places'' (1814) by Lazare Carnot, p. 50
** He has been frequently heard to say, that in this world he would rather live two days like a tiger, than two hundred years like a sheep.
*** [[Tipu Sultan]], as quoted in ''A View of the Origin and Conduct of the War with Tippoo Sultaun; Comprising a Narrative of the Operations of the Army under the Command of Lieutenant-General George Harris, and of the Siege of Seringapatam'' (London, G. and W. Nicol, 1800) by [[w:Alexander Beatson|Alexander Beatson]], pp. 153-154. [http://oudl.osmania.ac.in/bitstream/handle/OUDL/7905/212261_Origin_And_Conduct_Of_The_War_With_Tipoo_Sultaun.pdf] [https://indianhistorybooks3.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/99999990039373-view-of-the-origin-and-conduct-of-the-war-with-tipoo-sultan.pdf]

* Some still ask of us: what do you want? We answer with three words that summon up our entire program. Here they are…Italy, Republic, Socialization. . .Socialization is no other than the implantation of Italian Socialism…
**Speech given by Mussolini to a group of Milanese Fascist veterans (October 14, 1944), quoted in ''Revolutionary Fascism'', Erik Norling, Lisbon, Finis Mundi Press (2011) pp.119-120. 

* '''We are fighting to impose a higher [[social justice]]'''. The others are fighting to maintain the privileges of caste and class. We are proletarian nations that rise up against the plutocrats.
** As quoted in “Soliloquy for ‘freedom’ Trimellone island”, on the Italian Island of Trimelone, journalist Ivanoe Fossani, one of the last interviews of Mussolini,  March 20, 1945, from ''Opera omnia'', vol. 32. Interview is also known as &quot;Testament of Benito Mussolini, or ''Testamento di Benito Mussolini''. Also published under “Mussolini confessed to the stars”, Publishing House Latinitas, Rome, 1952. (''Intervista di Ivanoe Fossani, Soliloquio in “libertà” all'isola Trimellone, Isola del Trimellone, 20 marzo 1945'')

* '''For this I have been and am a socialist'''. The accusation of inconsistency has no foundation. My conduct has always been straight in the sense of looking at the substance of things and not to the form. I adapted ''socialisticamente'' to reality. As the evolution of society belied many of the prophecies of Marx, the true socialism folded from possible to probable. The only feasible socialism ''socialisticamente'' is corporatism, confluence, balance and justice interests compared to the collective interest.
** As quoted in “Soliloquy for ‘freedom’ Trimellone island”, on the Italian Island of Trimelone, journalist Ivanoe Fossani, one of the last interviews of Mussolini, March 20, 1945, from ''Opera omnia'', vol. 32. Interview is also known as &quot;Testament of Benito Mussolini, or ''Testamento di Benito Mussolini''. Also published under “Mussolini confessed to the stars”, Publishing House Latinitas, Rome, 1952. (''Intervista di Ivanoe Fossani, Soliloquio in “libertà” all'isola Trimellone, Isola del Trimellone, 20 marzo 1945'')

* Shoot me in the chest.
** Mussolini's last words (28 April 1945), as quoted in &quot;Mussolini&quot; by Peter Neville,(2004) p. 195

===Undated===
* '''You want to know what fascism is like? It is like your New Deal!'''
** As quoted by Mussolini in ''Mr. New York: The Autobiography of Grover A. Whalen'' by [[w:Grover Aloysius Whalen |Grover Aloysius Whalen]], G.P. Putnam’s Sons (1955) p. 188. Mussolini explained Fascism to Whalen in 1939.

* I owe most to [[Georges Sorel]]. This master of syndicalism by his rough theories of revolutionary tactics has contributed most to form the discipline, energy and power of the fascist cohorts.
** As Quoted in ''The New Inquisitions: Heretic-Hunting and the Intellectual Origins of Modern Totalitarianism'', [[w:Arthur Versluis |Arthur Versluis]], Oxford University Press (2006) p. 39.

* '''[Marx was] the magnificent philosopher of working class violence.'''
** As quoted by Mussolini in ''From George Sorel: Essays in Socialism and Philosophy'' by John L. Stanley (1987) p. 4.

* In the whole negative part, we are alike. We and the [[Russians]] are against liberals, against democrats, against parliament.
** As quoted in ''Russia Under The Bolshevik Regime'', [[w:Richard Pipes|Richard Pipes]], New York: NY, Vintage Books, 1995, p. 252, and in Yvon de Begnac, ''Palazzo Venezia: Storia di un Regime'', Rome, 1950, p. 361.

* The socialist revolution was a pure and simple question of ‘force.’… Between the [bourgeoisie and the proletariat] no accord is possible. One must disappear. The weaker will be ‘eliminated.’ The class struggle is therefore a question of ‘force.’
** As quoted in ''The Ideology of Fascism: The Rationale of Totalitarianism'', [[w:A. James Gregor | A. James Gregor]], New York and London, The Free Press (1969) p. 106

* The outbreak of a socialist revolution in one country will cause the others to imitate it or so to strengthen the proletariat as to prevent its national bourgeoisie from attempting any armed intervention.
** As quoted in ''The Myth of the Nation and the Vision of Revolution: The Origins of Ideological Polarization in the 20th Century'', [[w:Jacob Talmon |Jacob Talmon]], University of California Press (1981) p. 487

*With the unleashing of a mighty clash of peoples, the bourgeoisie is playing its last card and calls forth on the world scene that which Karl Marx called the sixth great power: the socialist revolution.
** As quoted in ''Three Faces of Fascism: Action Française, Italian Fascism, National Socialism'', Ernst Nolte, New York: NY, Holt, Rinehart and Winston (1966) p. 156. ''Opera Omnia di Benito Mussolini'', V, p. 121

*Men do not move mountains; it is only necessary to create the illusion that mountains move.
**As quoted in ''The Great Illusion, 1900-1914'', Oron J. Hale, Harper &amp; Row (1971) p. 109 

* The Socialists ask what is our program? Our program is to smash the heads of the Socialists.
** Article in ''Popolo d'Italia'', quoted in &quot;A History of Terrorism&quot; (2001) by Walter Laqueur, p. 71

* Believe, obey, fight.
** ''Mussolini and Fascism'' (2003) by Patricia Knight, p. 46

* The struggle between the two worlds [Fascism and Democracy] can permit no compromises. The new cycle which begins with the ninth year of the Fascist regime places the alternative in even greater relief — either we or they, either their ideas or ours, either our State or theirs!
** &quot;Fundamentals of critical argumentation&quot; (2005) by Douglas Walton, p. 243

* Fortunately the Italian people has not yet accustomed itself to eat many times a day, and possessing a modest level of living, it feels deficiency and suffering less.
** Carol F. Helstosky, ''Garlic and Oil: Food and Politics in Italy'' (2006) 

* I am making superhuman efforts to educate this people.  When they have learnt to obey, they will believe what I tell them.
** As quoted in ''The Tyrants: 2500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'' (2006) by Clive Foss &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|1905204965}} &lt;/small&gt; 

* I bequeath the republic to the republicans and not to the monarchists, and the work of social reform to the socialist and not to the middle class.
** Joshua Muravchik, as quoted in ''Heaven on Earth: The Rise and Fall of Socialism'', Encounter Books (2002) p. 170.

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==

* For my part I prefer fifty thousand rifles to five million votes.
** Attributed to Mussolini in Christopher Hibbert's ''Benito Mussolini: The Rise and Fall of Il Duce'' (1965) p. 40

{{Disputed end}}

{{Misattributed begin}}
== Misattributed ==
* Fascism should more properly be called corporatism, since it is the merger of state and corporate power.
**This quote spread rapidly in the United States after appearing in a column by [[Molly Ivins]] (24 November 2002). It is repeated often and sometimes attributed to the &quot;Fascism&quot; entry in the 1932 ''Enciclopedia Italiana'' but does not appear there.  A vaguely similar statement does appear in ''Doctrine of Fascism''.
***We are, in other words, a state which controls all forces acting in nature. We control political forces, we control moral forces, we control economic forces, therefore we are a full-blown Corporative state.
**The same document explains that the &quot;corporations&quot; (''corporazioni'') on which the Fascist state rested were its own creations, modeled on guild associations and not private companies, which Italian normally calls ''società''. For details see [http://www.publiceye.org/fascist/corporatism.html &quot;Mussolini on the Corporate State&quot;] by Chip Berlet.

* '''It may be expected that this will be a century of authority, a century of the Left, a century of Fascism.'''
** From [[w:Jane Soames|Jane Soames]]’s authorized translation of Mussolini’s “The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism,” Hogarth Press, London, (1933), p. 20.[http://historyuncensored.wixsite.com/history-uncensored] [http://media.wix.com/ugd/927b40_c1ee26114a4d480cb048f5f96a4cc68f.pdf] Soames knew left from right in Italian, translating “Left” correctly on page 7 “a Left Revolutionary movement also appeared, which… laid the foundations of Bolshevism.”[[Julius Evola]] reproduced the original Italian as &quot;''un secolo della 'Destra'''&quot; (&quot;a century of the right&quot;); see Evola, ''Fascismo e Terzo Reich''. Several English translations agree with Evola's wording, including one published by the Fascist government in 1935 and transcribed online.[http://www.worldfuturefund.org/wffmaster/Reading/Germany/mussolini.htm]
* The best blood will at some time get into a fool or a mosquito. 
** Austin O'Malley, in ''Keystones of Thought'' (1914), p.  27

* If I advance; follow me! If I retreat; kill me! If I die; avenge me!
** Mussolini actually repeated this sentence various times but the quote didn't originate with him. Attributed to Mussolini by [[G. K. Chesterton]] in ''G. K's Weekly'' (1925), and later appearing in &quot;Duce (1922-42)&quot; in ''Time'' magazine (2 August 1943), this actually originates with [[w:Henri de la Rochejaquelein|Henri de la Rochejaquelein]] (1793), as quoted in ''Narrative of the French Expedition in Egypt, and the Operations in Syria'' (1816) by Jacques Miot

{{Misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Mussolini==
[[File:Ernest_Hemingway_1923_passport_photo.jpg|thumb|Mussolini is the biggest bluff in Europe. If Mussolini would have me taken out and shot tomorrow morning I would still regard him as a bluff.&lt;br&gt;— Ernest Hemingway (1923)]]
[[File:IMG 7160 - Torino - Stazione Porta Nuova - Foto Giovanni Dall'Orto 18-Mar-2007.jpg|thumb|The difference between the Italian railway service in 1919, 1920 and 1921 and that which obtained during the first year of the Mussolini regime was almost beyond belief.&lt;br&gt;– Kenneth L. Roberts (1924)]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;

* '''He never killed anyone, he sent people on holiday to confine them.'''
** [[Silvio Berlusconi]], as quoted in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/apr/20/italy &quot;Did I say This? in ''The Observer'' (20 April 2008)]

* Obviously the government of [Mussolini's] time, out of fear that German power might lead to complete victory, preferred to ally itself with [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s Germany rather than opposing it … The racial laws were the worst fault of Mussolini as a leader, who in so many other ways did well.
**[[Silvio Berlusconi]], in a speech in Milan, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-21222341 &quot;Berlusconi praises Mussolini on Holocaust Memorial Day&quot; at ''BBC News'' (27 January 2013)]

* Stalin will never make socialism; rather Mussolini will. 
** [[w:Nicola Bombacci |Nicola Bombacci]] as quoted in ''Mussolini'', [[w:R.J.B. Bosworth|R.J.B. Bosworth]], New York: NY, Bloomsbury Academic (2011) p. 511, originally from the Fascist newspaper ''La Verità'' (March 1945).

*Mussolini was the son of a blacksmith, [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] was the son of a house painter and I am the son of a miller.
**Mussolini è stato il figlio del fabbro, hitler è stato il figlio di un imbianchino e io sono il figlio di un mugnaio .
***As quoted in [[Licio Gelli]], [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M0WliZRVpko&amp;feature=youtu.be ''Gelli in libreria ''] (2011), Teletruria TVWEB (at minute 0:59).

* Long live Mussolini! Long live socialism!
** [[w:Nicola Bombacci|Nicola Bombacci]] before being shot with Mussolini in 1945. Quoted in ''Heaven on Earth: The Rise and Fall of Socialism'' by Joshua Muravchik, (2002) p. 171

*Which European politician of the first half of the [[20th century|twentieth century]] could be relied on to read the philosophical and literary works of his co-nationals and send their authors notes of criticism and congratulation? Who, at the time of profound crisis and despite his evident ill health, kept on his desk a copy of the works of [[Socrates]] and [[Plato]], annotated in his own hand? Who declared publicly that he loved trees and anxiously quizzed his [[bureaucracy]] about storm damage to the [[Nature|environment]]? Who, in his table talk while he was entrenched in power, was fascinated by the task of tracing his intellectual antecedents?... Who seemed almost always ready to grant an interview and, having done so, was especially pleased by the prospect of talking about contemporary political and philosophical ideas? '''Who left more than 44 volumes of his collected works?''' Who claimed with an element of truth that money never dirtied his hands? Who could conduct a conversation in three [[Language|languages]] apart from his own?... The somewhat surprising answer to all these questions is Benito Mussolini, ''Duce'' of Italian Fascism and dictator of Italy from 1922 (or 1925) to 1945 (or 1943).
**R.J.B. Bosworth, ''Mussolini'' (New Edition), London and New York, Bloomsbury Academic (2010) p. 7

* As the elections were being held, he published in ''Gerarchla'' a disquisition on [[Machiavelli]]. He had, he remarked, just re-read the Florentine writer's corpus,  although, he added modestly, he had not fully plumbed the secondary literature in Italy and abroad. '''Machiavelli's thought  was, Mussolini announced, more alive now than ever. His pessimism about [[human nature]] was eternal in its acuity. Individuals simply could not be relied on voluntarily to 'obey the law, pay their taxes and serve in war'. No well-ordered society could want the people to be sovereign.''' Machiavelli’s cynical acumen exposed the fatuity of the dreams of the [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] (and of Mussolini’s own political philosophy before 1914).
** [[w:R.J.B. Bosworth|R.J.B. Bosworth]], ''Mussolini'' (New Edition), London and New York, Bloomsbury Academic (2010) p. 157

* ''Los Hitler, los Mussolini.../¡Balas! ¡Balas! ¡Balas! ¡Balas!/Las dos víboras de Europa/que con la muerte se pactan.''
** The Hitlers, the Mussolinis.../Bullets! Bullets! Bullets! Bullets!/The two vipers of Europe/who pact with death.
** ''Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of [[Julia de Burgos]]'' (1982)

* The methods of the Duce are not by any means American methods...[but] methods which would certainly not appeal to this country might easily appeal to a people so differently constituted as are the Italians
** Department Western European Division William Castle, 1927 quoted in ''Deterring Democracy'' (1992) by [[Noam Chomsky|Noam Chomsky]], London:Vintage, pp.37-38 

* A modern man may disapprove of some of his sweeping reforms, and approve others; but finds it difficult not to admire even where he does not approve. 
**  [[G. K. Chesterton]], comparing Mussolini to [[w:Hildebrand|Hildebrand]], as quoted in &quot;The Pearl of Great Price&quot; by [[w:Robert Royal (author)|Robert Royal]], his Introduction to &quot;The Resurrection of Rome&quot; (1930) by [[G. K. Chesterton]] in ''The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton'' (1990) by Vol. XXI, p. 274

* [One of the] leading statesmen in the world.
** [[w:Richard Washburn Child|Richard Washburn Child]], former ambassador to the U.S and ghost-writer of Mussolini's autobiography, as quoted in ''Introduction: A Political-Biographical Sketch'' by [[Tariq Ali|Tariq Ali]] in ''Class War Conservatism and Other Essays'' (2015) by [[Ralph Miliband|Ralph Miliband]].

* What a man! I have lost my heart!... Fascism has rendered a service to the entire world... If I were Italian, I am sure I would have been with you entirely from the beginning of your victorious struggle against the bestial appetites and passion of Leninism.
**[[Winston Churchill]], in a letter to Mussolini, after a visit to [[Rome]] (1927) {{cite news|url=http://www.ronterpening.com/extras/league_ex.htm|publisher=RonterPening.com|title=Top Ten Facts About Mussolini|date=[[27 January]] 2008}}

*At Easter 1934 we paid a visit to Rome, where I had an interview with the Duce. I was favourably impressed. There were no histrionics, nor was I obliged, as I had been told would happen, to walk the length of a long room from the door to his desk. He met me at the door and accompanied me to it when I left. We agreed on the importance of rearmament and he laughed when I said that the idea that armaments produced war was as foolish as to think that umbrellas produced rain. Because he laughed at my joke I thought he had a sense of humour and was quite prepared to imagine he had other good qualities. It is too early to pronounce a final verdict upon Mussolini. The more I read about him, especially in the pages of [[w:Galeazzo Ciano|Ciano]], the less I like him, but no trustworthy biography has yet been written, so that it is wiser to withhold judgment. He is not, like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], condemned out of his own mouth, nor by the notoriety and magnitude of his evil deeds. It may be that he began well and meant well, like so many of the Caesars before him, but that he ended ill as they did owing to the [[corruption]] of power. 
**[[w:Duff Cooper|Duff Cooper]], ''[[w:Old Men Forget|Old Men Forget]]'' (1953), p. 183

* Mussolini is a brilliant thinker whose [[philosophy]], though unorthodox, flows out of the true European tradition. If he is a myth-maker, he is, like [[Plato]]'s guardians, conscious that &quot;the noble lie&quot; is a lie.
**[[w:Richard Crossman|Richard Crossman]] in ''Government and the Governed: A History of Political Ideas and Political Practice'' (1939)

*The truth is probably that since Mussolini's own policy is by nature opportunist and agnostic, he finds it quite impossible to believe in the British faith in a new system of [[International relations|international order]].
**[[Anthony Eden]], report to the British government after his meeting with Baron Aloisi, the Italian delegate to the [[League of Nations]] (August 1935), quoted in Anthony Eden, ''The Eden Memoirs: Facing the Dictators'' (1962), p. 250

*Mussolini has the mentality of a gangster.
**[[Anthony Eden]], minute (24 July 1937), quoted in Anthony Eden, ''The Eden Memoirs: Facing the Dictators'' (1962), p. 451

*The luncheon party [on 24 June 1935] was quite a large one, with ladies present. This occasion displayed to me the astonishing contrast between the two Mussolinis. When alone and in serious discussion, the Duce was calm, relaxed and reasonable, at least in my experience. There were no attitudes or airs. But the moment more than two or three were gathered together the man was transformed, jaw thrust out, eyes rolling and popping, figure strutting and attitudinizing. When luncheon was announced, Mussolini made a imperious gesture towards me and marched on. I hung back, English fashion, waiting for the ladies, and the Duce strode in alone.
**[[Anthony Eden]], ''The Eden Memoirs: Facing the Dictators'' (1962), p. 225

*The [[League of Nations|League]]'s withdrawal of sanctions brought hope to many that good relations between Italy and Britain could now be restored. The argument often put to me was that, if we would only make a concession to the Duce, he would reciprocate and our relations would soon mend. I had little confidence that this would be so, for the reasoning appeared to be founded on a misreading of Mussolini's character. To me, he was a tough and clever opportunist, who would rate concessions as weakness and who cared nothing for the principles of the League or for the [[w:Stresa Front|Stresa front]]. He would incline to whichever side seemed to offer him the greater advantages. We could not, for moral and practical reasons, enter such a competition or offer him the plunder he sought; therefore [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and Mussolini would inevitably be drawn closer together. The Duce had made his choice between [[w:Second Italo-Ethiopian War|African adventure]] and European stability. He abandoned Austria when he marched against [[Ethiopia|Abyssinia]]. Despite rumours, Mussolini and I had no personal quarrel and our relations were not a factor in the unfolding of policy on either side.
**[[Anthony Eden]], ''The Eden Memoirs: Facing the Dictators'' (1962), pp. 421-422

* The greatest genius of the modern age.
**[[Thomas Edison]], as quoted in ''Pound in Purgatory : From Economic Radicalism to Anti-semitism'' (1999) by Leon Surette, p. 72

* Benito Mussolini was the first European leader not only [[One-party state|to dispense with multi-party democracy]] but also to proclaim a new fascist regime. A blacksmith's son, a socialist and the author of two crudely [[Antireligion|anticlerical]] books, ''The Cardinal's Mistress'' and ''John Huss the Veracious'', Mussolini had switched to [[nationalism]] even before the Italian Socialists opposed their country's entry into the [[World War I|First World War]]. The [[Roman Empire|Roman]] fasces - the bundle of rods of chastisement that symbolized the power of the state - had been adopted by various pro-war groups; it was one of these that Mussolini joined. Here was the formula for fascism: socialism plus nationalism plus war. After a brief and undistinguished period of [[military]] service, Mussolini reverted to journalism, his true métier. But his political moment came with peace. Like their counterparts all over Europe, Italy's political establishment felt vulnerable as the [[Bolsheviks|Bolshevik]] contagion swept into the factories of Turin and the villages of the Po Valley. With his flashy charisma, Mussolini offered an echo of [[w:Francesco_Crispi|Francesco Crispi]], the hero of the previous generation of Italian nationalists. With his newly formed Fasci di Combattimento, he offered muscle in the form of gangs of ex-soldiers, the squadristi. 
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''The War of the World: Twentieth-Century Conflict and the Descent of the West'' (2006), pp.  227-228
* Even before his distinctly theatrical [[w:March_on_Rome|March on Rome]] on October 29,1922 - which was more photo-opportunity than [[Coup d'état|coup]], since the fascists lacked the capability to seize power by force - Mussolini was invited to form a government by the [[king]], [[w:Victor_Emmanuel_III_of_Italy|Victor Emmanuel III]], who had declined to impose [[w:Martial_law|martial law]]. The old Liberals were confident they could continue business as usual. They underestimated Mussolini's appetite for power; it was entirely in character that at one point he held seven ministerial portfolios as well as the [[Prime Minister|premiership]]. The [[press]], the only thing he was competent to control, began to promote him as an omnipotent Duce, but behind the surface glamour there was always the threat of violence. Following the murder of the Socialist deputy [[w:Giacomo_Matteotti|Giacomo Matteotti]] in 1924 (almost certainly ordered by Mussolini) political opposition was suppressed. The likes of the Leninist [[Antonio Gramsci]] were consigned to prison. Henceforth, the [[w:National_Fascist_Party|National Fascist Party]] brooked no competitors. [[Newspapers|Newspaper]] editors were required to be fascists, and [[teachers]] to swear an oath of loyalty. [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] and even [[trade unions]] continued to exist, but as sham entities, subordinated to Mussolini's dictatorship.
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''The War of the World: Twentieth-Century Conflict and the Descent of the West'' (2006), p.  

* Recently the New York ''Sun'' reported that when auditors got into the books of Mussolini's treasury, after his fall, they discovered that a large part of his [[deficit]] was due to the paying out of huge sums in subsidies to conceal the [[Inflation|rise in the cost of living]] - a plan industriously urged here by the [[w:Alvin Hansen|Hansen group]] and adopted by [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|the President]] but as yet resisted by [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** [[w:John T. Flynn|John T. Flynn]], ''As We Go Marching'' (1944, Doubleday &amp; Co, Inc) p. 185

* To Benito Mussolini, from an old man who greets in the ruler, the ''Hero of Culture''.
** [[Sigmund Freud]], in a 1933 dedication sent in a gift copy of the book ''Warum Krieg?'' which he had co-written with [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Fascist Spectacle : The Aesthetics of Power in Mussolini's Italy'' (2000) by Simonetta Falasca-Zamponi, p. 53;  [http://www.textkritik.de/schriftundcharakter/sundc006freud.htm Photo of dedication]

* Mussolini rose from humble origins, made a career in [[journalism]] and became a persuasive [[Politicians|politician]]. He created the Fascist Party whose violence intimidated the Italian government into making him Prime Minister. He transformed Italy into a one-party [[dictatorship]]. He was a master of [[propaganda]], with grandiose ideas derived from the [[Roman Empire]]. Mussolini was fatally convinced that he was always right and that Italy was a great military power. He squandered the country's resources on a useless [[Empire]], then blindly followed [[Adolf Hitler]] into the war that led him to disaster. After being dismissed from office, he ran a [[w:Italian Social Republic|German puppet regime]] in [[w:Northern Italy|northern Italy]]. 
** Clive Foss, ''The Tyrants: 2500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'', London: Quercus Publishing, 2006, ISBN 1905204965, p. 148

* Unfortunately, I am no superman like Mussolini.
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]], {{cite news|url=http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=My2rlb0bnx0C&amp;pg=PA71&amp;lpg=PA71&amp;dq=%22I+am+no+superman+like+Mussolini%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=UlaTM7Nm67&amp;sig=YW9AV1oyMNjUgc96AgDvJtup2sM&amp;hl=en|publisher=Leon Surette|title=Pound in Purgatory|date=[[27 January]] 2008}} Surette refers to this as &quot;Gandhi's undoubtedly facetious remark&quot;.

*  I feel like turning to my American friends and asking them whether they don't think we too need a man like Mussolini.
** Judge [[w:Elbert Henry Gary|Elbert Henry Gary]] of [[w:U.S Steel|U.S Steel]], quoted in ''Thank God They're on Our Side'' (2009) by David F. Schmitz, p. 40

* For Mussolini, [[w:Syndicalism|syndicalism]] was the most modern embodiment of the ''spirit'' of [[Marxism|Marxist]] doctrine, which he added to the myths of his [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzschean]] [[Aristocracy|aristocratic]] [[philosophy]] to reach a socialism of ''[[quality]]'' rather than ''[[quantity]].''
**[[w: Emilio Gentile  |  Emilio Gentile]], ''The Origins of Fascist Ideology'', New York: NY, Enigma Books (2005) p. 11

* Still, the democratic governments are jabbering about these things, while Germany and Italy continue to pour in thousands of trained soldiers. It should be obvious to the blind that not only Hitler and Mussolini but [[Léon Blum|Mr. Blum]] and [[Stanley Baldwin|Mr. Baldwin]] are in league in their intentions to crush the [[Spanish Civil War|anti-fascist struggle]] and to drown in the blood of the Spanish people the maginificent beginnings of a new [[Social system|social structure]].
**[[Emma Goldman]], Letter to Mark Mratchny, 1937, quoted in ''Vision on Fire: Emma Goldman on the Spanish Revolution'', edited by David Porter, 2006, (p. 186). 

*To be sure the Mussolinis and Hitlers are guilty of the same crime. They and their [[propaganda]] machines mow down every political opponent in their way. They also have added character assassination to the butchery of their victims.
**[[Emma Goldman]] &quot;The Tragedy of the Political Exiles&quot; (1934) in ''The Nation''

* '''Once in power, Mussolini, established the model [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] state. Having smashed the organisations of the workers, the way was prepared for a savage attack on the standards of the masses in the interests of [[Big business|Big Business]]'''. The main brunt of fascism was borne by the working class, against whom it is aimed above all. With their weapons of struggle broken, with the establishment of scab company unions, the conditions were created to drive down the wages and lower the standards of living of the workers. The Labour unions were crushed. Shop stewards' representation in the factories was abolished. The right to strike ended. All Union contracts were rendered void. The employer reigned supreme in the factories once again. He became at the same tune, the &quot;leader&quot; of his employees. Any attempt to strike, any resistance to the wishes of the employer, was &quot;punished with ferocious, penalties by the State. To challenge the employer was to challenge the full force of the State. In the words of the fascists: strikes are crimes &quot;against the social community&quot;.
**Trotskyite Communist [[w:Ted Grant|Ted Grant]],The Menace of Fascism&quot;, 1948. [http://www.marxists.org/archive/grant/1948/fascism.htm]

* Whatever one thinks of his Marxism today, Mussolini was accepted by his socialist peers as a Marxist theoretician. He rose to leadership in the Italian Socialist Party at least in part on the basis of his recognized capacity as a ‘socialist’ intellectual. 
** [[w:A. James Gregor | A. James Gregor]], ''The Ideology of Fascism: The Rationale of Totalitarianism'', New York and London, The Free Press, (1969) p. 99

* On November 24, 1914, when he was expelled from the Socialist Party, Mussolini insisted that his expulsion could not divest him of his ‘socialist faith.’ He made the subtitle of his new paper, ''[[w:Il Popolo d’Italia | Popolo d’Italia]]'', ‘A Socialist Daily.’ National intervention in the European conflagration was an immediate issue and as a problem it divided socialists, but since most continental socialist parties had opted for war, Mussolini conceived at that time that interventionism was not a commitment sufficient to require the abandonment of socialism.
** [[w:A. James Gregor | A. James Gregor]], ''The Ideology of Fascism: The Rationale of Totalitarianism'', New York and London, The Free Press, (1969) p. 141

* By 1938, Mussolini could confidently assert that ‘in the face of the total collapse of the system [bequeathed] by Lenin, [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] has covertly transformed himself into a Fascist.’
** [[w:A. James Gregor |A. James Gregor]], ''The Fascist Persuasion in Radical Politics'', Princeton University Press (1974) p. 132

* Mussolini was a Marxist ‘heretic'.
** [[w:A. James Gregor|A. James Gregor]], ''Young Mussolini and the Intellectual Origins of Fascism'', Berkeley: University of California Press, 1979, p. xi.

* Mussolini insisted that Fascism was the only form of ‘socialism’ appropriate to the ‘proletarian nations’ of the twentieth century.
** [[w:A. James Gregor | A. James Gregor]], Phoenix: Fascism in Our Time, New Brunswick: NJ, Transaction Press, 2009, p. 191

* When the workers first occupied the factories, Mussolini bethought himself of ‘Red Week.’ This time [summer of 1920] he concluded, social revolution was really at hand. Eager as always to ride the wave of the future and still posing as a [[Left-wing politics|left-wing]] extremist, he applauded the [[Strike action|strikes]]. But as soon as it became apparent that he had guessed wrong once again, he executed an abrupt about-face.
** S. William Halperin, ''Mussolini and Italian Fascism'', Princeton: NJ, D. Van Nostrand Company (1964) pp. 32-33

* Mussolini is a great executive, a true leader of men, and the great works he has accomplished are his genuine fortifications to a high place in history and in the hearts of his people.
**[[w:Millicent Hearst|Millicent Hearst]], the wife of [[w:William Randolph Hearst|William Randolph Hearst]], after a visit to Rome where she met Mussolini in the early 1930s.

*Mussolini used to shout, &quot;Believe, follow, and act,&quot; and told his followers that [[fascism]], before being a party, had been a [[religion]].
**[[Chris Hedges]] ''American fascists : the Christian Right and the war on America'' (2007)

* Mussolini is the biggest bluff in Europe. If Mussolini would have me taken out and shot tomorrow morning I would still regard him as a bluff. The shooting would be a bluff.
**[[Ernest Hemingway]], ''Toronto Daily Star'' (27 January 1923)

* The Fascist dictator had announced that he would receive the press. Everybody came. We all crowded into the room. Mussolini sat at his desk reading a [[Books|book]].… Mentally he was already reading the lines of the two thousand newspapers served by the two hundred correspondents. &quot;As we entered the room the Black Shirt Dictator did not look up from the book he was reading, so intense was his concentration, etc.&quot; I tip-toed over behind him to see what the book was that he was reading with such avid interest. It was a [[French language|French]]-[[English language|English]] dictionary—held upside down.
**Ernest Hemingway, ''Toronto Daily Star'' (27 January 1923)

* The Brown shirt would probably not have existed without the Black shirt. The march on Rome in 1922 was one of the turning points of history. The mere fact that anything of the sort could be attempted and could succeed, gave us impetus... If Mussolini had been outdistanced by [[Marxism]], I don’t know whether we could have succeeded in holding out. At that time National Socialism was a very fragile growth. As I walked with him in the gardens of the Villa Borghese, I could easily compare his profile with that of the Roman busts, and I realized he was one of the Caesars. There's no doubt at all that Mussolini is the heir of the great men of that period.
** Attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]] in ''Die Bormann Vermerke'': Transcripts of Hitler's conversations (5 July 1941 - 30 November 1944), made under the supervision of [[Martin Bormann]], published in the UK as ''Hitler's Table Talks'' (1953), pp.9-10.  The [[W:Hitler's Table Talk#Controversies|reliability of the translation is disputed.]]

* I have myself seen in a dozen different episodes in Italy how very popular the Duce is with the majority of the people; and there is no denying the unparalleled achievements of this man and of Fascism—the innumerable new factories, the construction of new houses and schools and hospitals, the great colonial enterprise and many more; when one recalls the deplorable state of Italy at the time of the Duce’s assumption of power, one realises the magnitude of his achievements. Over and above all this he overcame Bolshevism, not by military force, but by superior intellect, and it is him we have to thank for showing for the first time, by his decisive defeat of the inner power of Bolshevism, that even in this twentieth century it is possible to recall a people to a sense of purely [[nationalism|national pride]].
** Attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]] in ''Die Bormann Vermerke'': Transcripts of Hitler's conversations (5 July 1941 - 30 November 1944), made under the supervision of [[Martin Bormann]], published in the UK as ''Hitler's Table Talks'' (1953), p.447. The [[W:Hitler's Table Talk#Controversies|reliability of the translation is disputed.]]

* We include all those who today stand as our allies, above all the state that has suffered the same misery, indeed, in part even greater misery than Germany itself: Italy. The Duce-and I know this-sees this battle no differently than we do. His is a poor land, overpopulated, always disadvantaged, never knowing where its daily bread will come from. He and I have sworn an oath, and no power on earth can break that bond! There were two revolutions at different times, and in different forms, but with a common goal. They will reach their common goals together.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], Speech to the Old Guard in Munich, 1941 
* You express amazement at my statement that '[[civilized]]' men try to justify their [[looting]], [[butchering]] and plundering by claiming that these things are done in the interests of art, progress and culture. That this simple statement of fact should cause surprize, amazes me in return. People claiming to possess superior civilization have always veneered their rapaciousness by such claims... Your friend Mussolini is a striking modern-day example. In that speech of his I heard translated he spoke feelingly of the expansion of civilization. From time to time he has announced; 'The [[sword]] and civilization go [[hand]] in hand!' 'Wherever the [[Italian]] [[flag]] waves it will be as a symbol of civilization!' '[[Africa]] must be brought into civilization!' It is not, of course, because of any [[selfish]] motive that he has invaded a helpless country, bombing, burning and gassing both combatants and non-combatants by the thousands. Oh, no, according to his own assertions it is all in the interests of [[art]], [[culture]] and [[progress]], just as the [[German]] [[w:War lord|war-lords]] were determined to confer the advantages of [[w:Teutonic|Teutonic]] [[w:Kultur|Kultur]] on a benighted world, by [[fire]] and [[lead]] and [[steel]]. Civilized [[nations]] never, never have selfish motives for butchering, raping and looting; only horrid [[barbarians]] have those. 
** [[Robert E. Howard]] from a letter to [[H. P. Lovecraft]] (5 December 1935)

* Mussolini was a reluctant fascist because, underneath, he remained a Marxist, albeit a heretical one.
** [[w:Paul Johnson (writer)|Paul Johnson (writer)]], ''Modern Times: A History of the World from the 1920s to the 1980s'' (2001) p. 101.

* Mussolini began as a disciple of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and did not so much repudiate Marxism-Leninism as become a self-declared “heretic.” Thus one of Mussolini’s groups of thugs called itself the [[w:Cheka|Cheka]], after Lenin’s secret police.
**[[w:Roger Kimball|Roger Kimball]] &quot;[http://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/socialism-kimball-1985 The Death of Socialism],&quot; ''New Criterion'', (April 2002)

* Mussolini has substituted efficient and energetic and progressive processes of government for Parliamentary wrangling and wasteful impotent [[bureaucracy]]. He has engendered among the people a spirit of order, discipline, hard work, patriotic devotion and faith.… Italy has attained extraordinary progress, in every respect thanks to the clear sighted and masterful guidance of that remarkable man, Benito Mussolini.&quot;.
** [[Otto Kahn|Otto Kahn]] of [[Kuhn, Loeb and Co.|Kuhn, Loeb and Co.]], in ''Addresses and Essays'' (1919)

* A very upstanding chap [who has] done a good job in Italy … [I] continue to be impressed with the innate strength of the present government and sound ideas which govern it.
**Thomas Lamont, J. P. Morgan partner after a meeting in May 1923; quoted in ''Rome in America'' (2005) by Peter R. D'Agostino 

* What a waste that we lost Mussolini. He is a first-rate man who would have led our party to power in Italy.
**[[Vladimir Lenin]], addressed to a delegation of Italian socialists in Moscow after Mussolini's March on Rome in 1922, as quoted in &quot;Third World Ideology and Western Reality&quot; (1986) by Carlos Rangel, p. 15

* Mussolini was the only one among you with the mind and temperament to make a revolution. Why did you allow him to leave?
**[[Vladimir Lenin]] to the Italian Socialists, as quoted in Farrell, &quot;Mussolini: A New Life,&quot; Chapter 3

*In Italy, comrades, in Italy there was but a Socialist able enough to lead the people through a revolutionary path, Benito Mussolini.
**[[Vladimir Lenin]], as quoted in ''Revolutionary Fascism'', Erik Norling, Lisbon, Finis Mundi Press (2011) p. 28. Lenin express this to [[w:Nicola Bombacci |Nicola Bombacci]] during a reception in the Kremlin.  

* Benito Mussolini is a Magnificent Beast. No apology is needed for an expression which the Duce himself would have found correct, and which fits like a glove — a boxing glove.,
**[[w:Salvador de Madariaga|Salvador de Madariaga]], published during 1968 in his work ''Americans''

*'''[Mussolini] was never a reformist, but always an extreme left or revolutionary socialist.'''
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York, (1938) p. 98

*Mussolini regarded himself as a true heretic not only with respect to religion but also with respect to reformist socialism. It was a serious mistake, he maintained, to confuse socialism with the socialist parties.
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York (1938) p. 125

*Therefore, [Mussolini] envisaged the class struggle as a war between two minorities, the bourgeois minority and the revolutionary minority. His absorbing ambition was to be a leading protagonist, a Duce of the revolutionary minority or élite. In matters of revolutionary tactics and strategy, he was a thoroughgoing Blanquist, and he might well have been called a spiritual brother of Lenin. Like Lenin and the Bolsheviks, Mussolini was not as much concerned with the organization of a mass party of workers on a democratic basis as he was with forming a group of ardent, resolute revolutionists who would be prepared to execute a violent revolutionary uprising and to lead, if not to ‘drag along’, the mass of workers to support such an act.
**Gaudens Megaro, ''Mussolini in the Making'', Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston and New York, (1938) p. 187

* One hears murmurs against Mussolini on the ground that he is a desperado: the real objection to him is that he is a politician. Indeed, he is probably the most perfect specimen of the genus politician on view in the world today. His career has been impeccably classical. Beginning life as a ranting Socialist of the worst type, he abjured Socialism the moment he saw better opportunities for himself on the other side, and ever since then he has devoted himself gaudily to clapping Socialists in jail, filling them with castor oil, sending blacklegs to burn down their houses, and otherwise roughing them. Modern [[politics]] has produced no more adept practitioner.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], in &quot;Mussolini&quot; in the Baltimore ''Evening Sun'' (3 August 1931), also in ''A Second Mencken Chrestomathy : New Selections from the Writings of America's Legendary Editor, Critic, and Wit'' (1994) edited by Terry Teachout, p. 34

* You protest, and with justice, each time Hitler jails an opponent; but you forget that [[Stalin]] and company have jailed and murdered a thousand times as many. '''It seems to me, and indeed the evidence is plain, that compared to the [[Moscow]] brigands and assassins, Hitler is hardly more than a common [[Ku Klux Klan|Ku Kluxer]] and Mussolini almost a philanthropist.'''
** [[H. L. Mencken]], in an open letter to [[Upton Sinclair]], printed in ''The American Mercury'', June 1936.

* [Mussolini] has always retained a great admiration for Bolshevism, though he presented himself to the public as an antidote to Bolshevism.
** [[w:Francesco Saverio Nitti|Francesco Saverio Nitti]], ''Bolshevism, Fascism and Democracy'', former Prime Minister of Italy (1919-1920), (1927) p. 73.

*My generation really grew up at a very scary time. This time is probably twice as scary, but since we didn't know this time was coming-the [[World War II|Second World War]] was coming, the [[Spanish Civil War]] was happening when I was in high school. Mussolini had invaded [[Ethiopia]] and made all those idiotic statements that are famous to this day. Like how beautiful it was to bomb the Ethiopians. The Italian kids in my school were in heaven, they were so delighted and proud they were fainting with joy. It was a scary time. Hitler was coming inch by inch by inch. I remember my parents talking about it.
**1985 interview in ''Conversations with [[Grace Paley]]''

* Even if [in defining 'fascism'] we limit ourselves to our own century and its two most notorious cases, Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy, we find that they display profound differences. How can we lump together Mussolini and Hitler, the one surrounded by Jewish henchmen and a Jewish mistress, the other an obsessed [[Antisemitism|antisemite]]?
** [[w:Robert Paxton|Robert O. Paxton]], &quot;Five Stages of Fascism.&quot; ''The Journal of Modern History'', Vol 70 no. 1 (March, 1998)

* The sweeping social changes proposed by Mussolini's first Fascist program of April 1919 (including the vote for women, the eight-hour day, heavy taxation of war profits, confiscation of church lands, and workers' participation in industrial management) stand in flagrant conflict with the macho persona of the later ''Duce'' and his deals with conservatives.
** [[w:Robert Paxton|Robert O. Paxton]], &quot;Five Stages of Fascism.&quot; ''The Journal of Modern History'', Vol 70 no. 1 (March, 1998) 

* Mussolini would be totally forgotten today if some of his lieutenants in the provinces had not discovered different vocations -- bashing Slovenes in Trieste in July 1920 and bashing socialist organizers of farm workers in the Po Valley in fall and winter 1920-21. Mussolini supported these new initiatives by the ''ras'', and his movement turned into something else, thereafter prospering mightily.
** [[w:Robert Paxton|Robert O. Paxton]], &quot;Five Stages of Fascism.&quot; ''The Journal of Modern History'', Vol 70 no. 1 (March, 1998) 

* '''Neither [[Hitler]] nor Mussolini took the helm by force, even if they used force earlier to destablize the [[w:classic liberalism|liberal]] regime and later to transform their governments into dictatorships.'''
** [[w:Robert Paxton|Robert O. Paxton]], &quot;Five Stages of Fascism.&quot; ''The Journal of Modern History'', Vol 70 no. 1 (March, 1998) 

* Mussolini spoke of himself as an 'authoritarian' and 'aristocratic' Socialist; he was elitist and antiparliamentarian, and he believed in regenerative violence. Like the revolutionary syndicalists (and, in a different manner, Lenin), Mussolini believed that only a special revolutionary vanguard could create a new revolutionary society.
** [[w:Stanley G. Payne|Stanley G. Payne]] ''A History of Fascism 1914-1945'', The University of Wisconsin Press (1995) p. 83

* Mussolini was the greatest man of our century, but he committed certain disastrous errors. I, who have the advantage of his precedent before me, shall follow in his footsteps but also avoid his errors.
**[[w:Juan Perón|Juan Perón]]. Quoted in &quot;''Argentina, 1943-1979: The National Revolution and Resistance''&quot; by Donald C. Hodges.

* Even as the Fascist leader, Mussolini never concealed his sympathy and admiration for Communism: he thought highly of Lenin’s ‘brutal energy,’ and saw nothing objectionable in Bolshevik massacres of hostages. He proudly claimed Italian Communism as his child.
** [[w:Richard Pipes|Richard Pipes]], ''Russia Under The Bolshevik Regime'', New York: NY, Vintage Books (1995) p. 252.

* Given the opportunity, Mussolini would have been glad as late as 1920-21 to take under his wing the Italian Communists, for whom he felt great affinities: greater, certainly, than for [[Democratic socialism|democratic socialists]], liberals and conservatives. Genetically, Fascism issued from the 'Bolshevik' wing of Italian socialism, not from any conservative ideology or movement.
** [[w:Richard Pipes|Richard Pipes]] ''Russia Under The Bolshevik Regime'', New York: NY, Vintage Books (1995) p. 253

* ''You're the top! &lt;br&gt; You're the Great [[Houdini]]! &lt;br&gt; You're the top! &lt;br&gt; You are Mussolini!''
** [[Cole Porter]], in the original lyrics of &quot;[[w:You're The Top|You're The Top]]&quot; from ''[[Anything Goes|Anything Goes]]'' (1934); these lines were later omitted. 

* [I]t is perhaps to Mussolini's credit as a human being that his nationalism was clearly heartfelt where [[Stalin]]'s was undoubtedly a mere convenience. 
** J.J. Ray, &quot;[http://archive.frontpagemag.com/readArticle.aspx?ARTID=21599 Left-wing Fascism: An Intellectual Disorder]&quot;, ''Front Page Magazine'', 22 October 2002

* [[w:Fascism|Fascism]] was really the basis for the [[New Deal]]. It was Mussolini's success in Italy, with his [[Planned economy|government-directed economy]], that led the early New Dealers to say &quot;But Mussolini keeps the [[trains]] running on time.&quot;
** [[Ronald Reagan]]. ''Time'' in 1976. Reagan adviser [[w:Jude Wanniski|Jude Wanniski]] has [http://www.polyconomics.com/searchbase/10-05-99.html indicated] that, in 1933, New Dealers as well as much of the world admired Mussolini’s success in avoiding the [[Great Depression]].

* Your figure is not just an Italian one. You are the apostle of the world campaign against dissolution and anarchy...Fascism...is a universal phenomenon that ought to conquer all nations...Fascism is a living [[Gospel]].
**General [[w:Miguel Primo De Rivera|Miguel Primo de Rivera]] quoted in [[w:R.J.B. Bosworth|R.J.B. Bosworth]], &quot;Italian Fascism and Models of Fascism&quot; in ''The Italian Dictatorship: Problems &amp; Perspectives in the Interpretation of Mussolini &amp; Fascism'' (1998), p.207

* Yes, all [[Africa]] remembers that it was [[w:Maxim_Litvinov|Litvinov]] who stood alone beside [[Haile Selassie]] in [[w:Geneva|Geneva]], when Mussolini's sons flew with the blessings of [[Pope Pius XI|the Pope]] to drop bombs on Ethiopian women and children.
**[[Paul Robeson]], ''Paul Robeson Speaks: The Negro and The Soviet Union'' (1978), p. 238

* The difference between the Italian railway service in 1919, 1920 and 1921 and that which obtained during the first year of the Mussolini regime was almost beyond belief. The cars were clean, the employees were snappy and courteous, and '''[[Rail transport|trains]] arrived at and left the stations on time''' — not fifteen minutes late, and not five minutes late; but on the minute.
** [[w:Kenneth Roberts (author)|Kenneth L. Roberts]], ''Black Magic'' (1924), p. 109

* Mussolini accelerated the process after the conquest of Ethiopia (1935-6). The war in Africa was to provide a new context for Fascism’s scheme of [[social engineering]].
** Davide Rodogno, ''Fascism’s European Empire: Italian Occupation during the Second World War'', Cambridge University Press (2006) p. 44

* There seems to be no question that [Mussolini] is really interested in what we are doing and I am much interested and deeply impressed by what he has accomplished and by his evidenced honest purpose of restoring Italy.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] to US Ambassador to Italy [[w:Breckinridge Long|Breckinridge Long]], {{cite book | last =Schivelbusch| first = Wolfgang  |title =''Three New Deals : Reflections on Roosevelt's America, Mussolini's Italy, and Hitler's Germany, 1933-1939| publisher =Macmillan| url =}}

* '''I don't mind telling you in confidence that I am keeping in fairly close touch with that admirable Italian gentleman.'''
** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], as quoted Wolfgang Schivelbusch (2006). ''Three New Deals: Reflections on Roosevelt's America, Mussolini's Italy, and Hitler's Germany, 1933-1939'', Metropolitan Books, p. 31

* The meeting between [[G. K. Chesterton|Chesterton]] and Il Duce occurred in 1929, ten years before the war, at a time when, whatever his other faults, Mussolini had reintroduced a mark spirit of optimism and freshness to an Italy that had formerly been pessimistic and stagnant. Throughout the 1920s, Chesterton thought he saw in the Italian leader qualities that might have offset certain evils in Britain. It is important to keep in mind that whatever the misreadings of fascism, Chesterton always had some quite specific British problem in view when he praises Mussolini.
** [[w:Robert Royal (author)|Robert Royal]], in &quot;The Pearl of Great Price&quot;, his Introduction to &quot;The Resurrection of Rome&quot; (1930) by [[G. K. Chesterton]] in ''The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton'' (1990) by Vol. XXI, p. 272

* For Chesterton… British public rhetoric was more than a mere style: &quot;The motive is the desire to disguise a thing even when expressing it.&quot; To his mind, the dictator's words, even if his actions were as bad or worse than those of the parliamentarians, were morally and stylistically superior. At least they said openly what was being done openly. The British rhetoric, for Chesterton, was one with the decayed British liberalism that allowed exploitation of workers by plutocrats who were never rebuked by government or the courts. If nothing else, Mussolini's language was a bracing alternative. &lt;br&gt; Gazing back across the horrors of [[World War II]], it is hard for us to imagine how good men like Chesterton, whatever their objections to British liberalism, could admire Mussolini, though several prominent intellectuals and politicians did. Many of us have family members or friends who fought or died to stop the fascist darkness, and we find it difficult to sympathize with Chesterton's desire to be fair to Mussolini. Mussolini's thuggish violence, of course, Chesterton and others rejected. But their admiration was an index of the scale of reform they thought needed.
** [[w:Robert Royal (author)|Robert Royal]], in &quot;The Pearl of Great Price&quot;, his Introduction to &quot;The Resurrection of Rome&quot; (1930) by [[G. K. Chesterton]] in ''The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton'' (1990) by Vol. XXI, p. 274

* Some of the things Mussolini has done, and some that he is threatening to do go further in the direction of Socialism than the English Labour Party could yet venture if they were in power.
** Letter from [[George Bernard Shaw]] to a friend 7th Feb, 1927.

*[Mussolini was] farther to the Left in his political opinions than any of his socialist rivals.  
**[[George Bernard Shaw]] as quoted in ''Socialism and Superior Brains,'' Gareth Griffith, Taylor and Francis e-Library (2003) p. 253. Shaw made this statement in the ''Manchester Guardian'' in 1927.

* Roosevelt had no illusions about revolution. Mussolini and Stalin seemed to him ‘not mere distant relatives’ but ‘blood brothers.’
** [[Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.]], ''The Politics of Upheaval: 1935-1936 (The Age of Roosevelt'', Vol. III), New York: NY, Mariner Book: Houghton Mifflin Co. (2003) p. 648

* Mussolini told the young man of his admiration for Communism—‘Fascism is the same thing’ [as Communism].
** As quoted in ''The Politics of Upheaval: 1935-1936 (The Age of Roosevelt, Vol. III)'', [[Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.|Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.]], New York: NY, Mariner Book: Houghton Mifflin Co., (2003) p. 147. Mussolini’s 1931 statement to Alfred Bingham, the son of a U.S. Republican Senator.

* So fell, ignominiously, the modern Roman [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], a bellicose-sounding man of the twentieth century who had known how to profit from its confusions and despair, but who underneath the gaudy facade was made largely of sawdust. As a person he was not unintelligent. He had read widely in history and thought he understood its lessons. But as a dictator he had made the fatal mistake of seeking to make a martial, imperial Great Power of a country which lacked the industrial resources to become one and whose people, unlike the Germans, were too civilized, too sophisticated, too down to earth to be attracted by such false ambitions. The Italian people, at heart, had never, like the Germans, embraced fascism. They had merely suffered it, knowing that it was a passing phase, and Mussolini toward the end seems to have realized this. But like all dictators he was carried away by power, which, as it inevitably must, corrupted him, corroding his mind and poisoning his judgment. This led him to his second fatal mistake of tying his fortunes and those of Italy to the Third Reich. When the bell began to toll for Hitler's Germany it began to toll for Mussolini's Italy, and as the summer of 1943 came the Italian leader heard it. But there was nothing he could do to escape his fate. By then he was a prisoner of Hitler.
** [[w:William L. Shirer | William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 997

* Not a gun was fired- not even by the Fascist militia- to save him. Not a voice was raised in his defense. No one seemed to mind the humiliating nature of his departure- being hauled away from the King's presence to jail in an ambulance. On the contrary, there was general rejoicing at his fall. Fascism collapsed as easily as its founder.
** [[w:William L. Shirer | William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 997-998

*Living in New York, she ([[Angelica Balabanoff]]) discovered support for Mussolini in some Italian-American and conservative circles before the United States entered World War II, and so she edited and wrote a small periodical, Il Traditore, which between January, 1942, and May, 1943, contained a series of articles describing Mussolini's early years, his persecution of socialists, and the fascist record of assassinations and brutality in Italy.&quot;
**Jane Slaughter, “Humanism versus Feminism in the Socialist Movement: The Life of Angelica Balabanoff” in ''European Women on the Left'' (1981)

*[Mussolini] brought a radical Marxist strand to the ''[[w:Avanti!(Italian newspaper)|Avanti!]]'' newspaper, soon doubling its circulation. With a growing audience, Mussolini redoubled the urgency of his utopian propaganda; ‘private property is theft’ and should be abolished as Italy moved through the phase of collectivism forwards to the ultimate goal of communism.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith | Denis Mack Smith]], ''Mussolini: A Biography'', New York: NY, Vintage Books (1983) p. 23

*The Mussolini that now emerges is more intelligent, less tinsel and stage property than some had supposed, more than the mere gangster and bluffer that others have seen, on the whole a more sinister phenomenon for the student’s science of politics. Here is a real intellectual who has run the gamut of radical revolutionary ideas—anti-patriotism, anti-religion (not merely anti-clericalism), anarchism, bolshevistic communism in the Leninist sense, all genuinely and vehemently advocated—and has come out the simon-pure imperialistic despot, who uses throne and altar, brutal violence and fraud, to buttress his autocratic regime.
**''Mussolini in the Making'', book review by Henry R. Spencer, ''Political Science Quarterly'', Vol. 55, Issue 1, March 1940 pp. 148-149, published 15 March 1940, author: Gaudens Megaro, Boston and New York, Houghton Mifflin Company, 1938

* Lenin was the contemporary politician whom [Mussolini] most admired and he studied the Russian revolution closely to see what lessons it offered. Lenin seemed to him ‘the very negation of socialism’ because he had not created a dictatorship of the proletariat or of the socialist party, but only of a few intellectuals who had found the secret of winning power. Mussolini was, in truth, envious.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith | Denis Mack Smith]], ''Mussolini'', New York: NY, Vintage Books (1983) p. 41

* Mussolini had once belonged to the Bolshevik wing of the Italian Socialist party and still in 1924 confessed admiration for Lenin, while Trotsky was quoted as saying that Mussolini was his best pupil.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith |Denis Mack Smith]], ''Mussolini: A Biography'',  New York: NY, Vintage Books, (1983) p. 96

*[In 1938] Mussolini anti-clericalism was thus reassuring itself. Sometimes he now acknowledged that he was an outright disbeliever... [that] the papacy was a malignant tumor in the body of Italy and must 'be rooted out once and for all,’ because there was no room in Rome for both the Pope and himself.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith |Denis Mack Smith]], ''Mussolini: A Biography'', New York: NY, Vintage Books (1983) p. 222

* Mussolini had been envious of the bolsheviks and for a while fancied himself as the Lenin of Italy.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith|Denis Mack Smith]], ''Modern Italy: A Political History'', University of Michigan Press (1997) p. 284, called himself the &quot;Lenin of Italy&quot; in 1919.

* After his defeat in the 1919 election, Mussolini saw no future in trying to out-socialist the socialists. Without a distinct policy, without friends and backing, he was in serious danger of ending up as a confused and egocentric demagogue with a talent for histrionics.
** [[w:Denis Mack Smith | Denis Mack Smith]], ''Modern Italy: A Political History'', University of Michigan Press (1997) p. 297

* [Mussolin is] a man no less extraordinary than Lenin. He, too, is a political genius, of a greater reach than all the statesmen of the day, with the only exception of Lenin. . . not a socialist from the bourgeoisie; he never believed in parliamentary socialism.
** [[w:Georges Sorel |Georges Sorel]] as quoted in ''Myth of the Nation and Vision of Revolution: Ideological Polarization in the Twentieth Century'', [[w:Jacob Talmon|Jacob L. Talmon]], University of California Press (1981) p. 451. Originally from Jean Variot in ''L'Eclair'', (September 11, 1922), and ''Propos de Georges Sorel'' (1935)

* From 1912 to 1914, Mussolini was the [[Che Guevara]] of his day, a living saint of leftism. Handsome, courageous, charismatic, an erudite Marxist, a riveting speaker and writer, a dedicated class warrior to the core, he was the peerless ''duce'' of the Italian Left.
** [[w:David Ramsay Steele|David Ramsay Steele]], in [http://www.la-articles.org.uk/fascism.htm#n1 &quot;The Mystery of Fascism&quot; in ''Liberty'' (29 January 2002)]; also quoted in ''Where Have All The Fascists Gone?'' (2007) by Tamir Bar-On, p. 79

* Like all self-respecting revolutionaries, Mussolini considered himself a Marxist. He regarded Marx as the ‘greatest theoretician of socialism’ and Marxism as the ‘scientific doctrine of [[Class conflict|class revolution]].’
** [[w:Zeev Sternhell|Zeev Sternhell]] with Mario Sznajder, Maia Asheri, ''The Birth of Fascist Ideology: From Cultural Rebellion to Political Revolution'', Princeton: NJ, Princeton University Press, 1994, p. 197.

* In the tragic days of Mussolini, the trains in Italy ran on time as never before and I am told in their way, their horrible way, that the [[The Holocaust|Nazi concentration-camp system in Germany]] was a model of horrible efficiency. The really basic thing in government is policy. Bad [[Public administration|administration]], to be sure, can destroy good policy, but good administration can never save bad policy.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], Speech to the Los Angeles Town Club, Los Angeles, California (11 September 1952); Speeches of Adlai Stevenson (1952), p. 36.

* By then the Duce... was a sick man, living on a diet of milk and rice, whose political strength at home was growing more feeble by the day. In late 1942, he had tried to talk Hitler into making peace with the [[Russians]]. It was their only chance to avoid disaster, he argued. The Fuehrer, of course, would have none of it. About all Mussolini was good for now, it seemed, was strutting about in one of his snappy getups. But then, at least he still looked like he amounted to something.
** [[w:C.L. Sulzberger| C.L. Sulzberger]], in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 321

*in 1926 I was asked to go to Italy to report on the Fascist State of Benito Mussolini, now four years in power, a scandal to the democracies at which he openly jeered, but an even greater one to the Socialists and Communists who once had thought him on the way to being the strongest radical leader in Europe…Altogether it was an illuminating half-hour, and when Mussolini accompanied me to the door and kissed my hand in the gallant Italian fashion I understood for the first time an unexpected phase of the man which makes him such a power in Italy. He might be and was, I believed-a fearful despot, but he had a dimple.
**[[Ida Tarbell]], ''All in the Day's Work'' (1939)

*[[w:Italian fascism|Fascism]] never possessed the ruthless drive, let alone the material strength, of [[Nazism|National Socialism]]. Morally it was just as corrupting – or perhaps more so from its very dishonesty. Everything about Fascism was a fraud. The social peril from which it saved Italy was a fraud; the revolution by which it seized power was a fraud; the ability and policy of Mussolini were fraudulent. Fascist rule was corrupt, incompetent, empty; Mussolini himself a vain, blundering boaster without either ideas or aims. 
**[[A. J. P. Taylor]], ''[[w:The Origins of the Second World War|The Origins of the Second World War]]'' (1961; 1991), pp. 84-85

* [Mussolini] was the only man who could have brought about the revolution of the proletariat in Italy.
** [[Leon Trotsky]] as quoted in ''Il Duce: The Life and Work of Benito Mussolini,'' by L. Kemechey, New York: NY, Richard R. Smith (1930) p. 47.

* Two years after its inception, fascism was in power. It entrenched itself thanks to the facts the first period of its overlordship coincided with a favorable economic conjuncture, which followed the depression of 1921-22. The fascists crushed the retreating proletariat by the onrushing forces of the petty bourgeoisie. But this was not achieved at a single blow. '''Even after he assumed power, Mussolini proceeded on his course with due caution: he lacked as yet ready-made models. During the first two years, not even the constitution was altered. The fascist government took on the character of a coalition. In the meantime, the fascist bands were busy at work with clubs, knives, and pistols.''' Only thus was the fascist government created slowly, which meant the complete strangulation of all independent mass organizations.
** [[Leon Trotsky]], &quot;How Mussolini Triumphed&quot; in ''What Next? Vital Question for the German Proletariat'', 1932 [http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/works/1944/1944-fas.htm#p2].

* There is no doubt which I preferred between Mussolini and Roosevelt. In my [[radio]] broadcasts I spoke in favor of the economic construction of Fascism. Mussolini was a very human, imperfect character who lost his head.
** [[Ezra Pound]], in an interview with Edd Johnson, published in [https://archive.org/details/ezra-pound_DOJ-CD/page/n143/mode/2up ''The Chicago Sun''] (9 May 1945)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}} 
{{commonscat}}
*[http://globalrhetoric.wordpress.com/mussolini-speech-of-the-10-june-1940-declaration-of-war-on-france-and-england/ Mussolini's speech on the Declaration of War on France and England (10 June 1940)]. ''globalrhetoric.wordpress.com''.
*[http://www.ibiblio.org/pha/policy/1941/410223a.html Speech, Rome, Italy (23 February 1941)]. ''www.ibiblio.org''.
*[http://www.custermen.com/ItalyWW2/ILDUCE/Mussolini.htm Mussolini's capture and execution]. October 25, 2008. ''www.custermen.com''.
*[http://media.wix.com/ugd/927b40_c1ee26114a4d480cb048f5f96a4cc68f.pdf Authorized translation of Mussolini's &quot;The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism&quot; (1933)] (PDF). ''media.wix.com''.
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  <page>
    <title>Donald Trump</title>
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        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
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      <comment>/* P */ copy &amp; paste quote from [[Redit]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1100967" sha1="l8rpojohr689mpk4ywe3uafp6by0ixs" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I know words. I have the best words.]][[File:Cabinet Meeting (49092290281).jpg|thumb|In a certain way, I felt very safe, because I had God on my side. I really felt that[https://variety.com/2024/biz/news/donald-trump-god-rnc-nomination-1236077838/ ]|alt=File:Main-qimg-021d8d22e0438179020144bbb4821733.jpg]]
[[File:Shinzo Abe and Donald Trump playing golf.jpg|thumb|If they do ‘assassinate President Trump,’ which is always a possibility, I hope that America obliterates Iran, wipes it off the face of the Earth, If that does not happen, American Leaders will be considered ‘gutless’ cowards![https://nypost.com/2024/07/25/us-news/trump-hopes-us-obliterates-iran-if-hes-assassinated-by-the-american-adversary/ ]]]
[[File:This was the President Donald Trump's first trip aboard Air Force One (cropped).jpg|thumb|I know the best people. To me, it's all about people. You got to have the right people. When we have the right people, it runs beautifully[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people ]]]
'''[[w:Donald Trump|Donald John Trump]]''' (born [[June 14]], [[1946]]) is an American [[w:Political career of Donald Trump|politician]], [[w:Media career of Donald Trump|media personality]], and [[w:Business career of Donald Trump|businessman]] who served as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|45th]] [[President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] from 2017 to 2021.

:See also:
::'''''[[Donald Trump on social media]]'''''
::'''''[[Presidency of Donald Trump]]'''''
::'''''[[Racial views of Donald Trump]]'''''
::'''''[[Trumpism]]'''''

==Quotes==
===1980s===
* '''Rona Barrett''': If you lost your fortune today, what would you do tomorrow?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Maybe I’d run for president.  I don’t know.  
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* '''Rona Barrett''': Would you like to be the [[President of the United States]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I really don't believe I would, Rona. But I would like to see somebody as the president who could do the job, and there are very capable people in this country.&lt;br&gt;'''Barrett''': Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Because I think it's a very mean life. I would love, and I would dedicate my life to this country but I see it as being a mean life, and I also see it in somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which may be right, but may be unpopular, wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile im also orange.
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* '''Rona Barrett''': How would you like to be remembered?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Well, as somebody that’s contributed something to the United States and to the [[New York City|City of New York]], and to the various other places that I’m going, and somebody that’s done a little bit better than other people at what he does. 
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* I said, 'I will build you this incredible, gorgeous, gleaming hotel. I will put people to work in the construction trades and save hotel [[jobs]] and the Grand Central area will come around.' So the city made the deal.
** {{citation
|title=The Empire and Ego of Donald Trump
|journal=The New York Times
|date=August 7, 1983
|first=Marilyn
|last=Bender
|url=http://www.nytimes.com/1983/08/07/business/the-empire-and-ego-of-donald-trump.html
}}

* &quot;Give them the old Trump bullshit,&quot; he told the architect Der Scutt before a presentation of the [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]] design at a press conference in 1980. &quot;Tell them it is going to be a million square feet, sixty-eight stories.&quot;
** [[Marie Brenner]] &quot;After the Gold Rush&quot;, ''[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]'' (September 1, 1990)

* Some people have an ability to [[negotiate]]. It's an [[art]] you're basically born with. You either have it or you don't.
* It would take an hour-and-a-half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. I think I know most of it anyway. You're talking about just getting updated on a situation
** {{citation
|title=Donald Trump, Holding All The Cards The Tower! The Team! The Money! The Future!
|journal=Washington Post
|date=November 15, 1984
|first=Lois
|last=Romano
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/pb/archive/lifestyle/1984/11/15/donald-trump-holding-all-the-cards-the-tower-the-team-the-money-the-future/8be79254-7793-4812-a153-f2b88e81fa54/?resType=accessibility
}}, talking about his desire to be involved in negotiations with the then Soviet Union

* I have featured and will always continue to feature my name prominently in all my [[enterprises]].
**''[[w:Business Week|Business Week]]'' (July 22, 1985)

* I look at things for the art sake and the beauty sake and for the deal sake.
**''[[w:New York (magazine)|New York]]'' (July 11, 1988), p. 24

* I'm not big on [[compromise]]. I understand compromise. Sometimes compromise is the right answer, but oftentimes compromise is the equivalent of [[Failure|defeat]], and I don't like being defeated.
**''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]]'', Vol. 12 (January 1989), p. iii

* [[Ed Koch|Mayor Koch]] has stated that hate and rancor should be removed from our hearts. I do not think so.
**[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the [[w:New York Daily News|''New York Daily News'']] and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* How can [[w:Society of the United States|our great society]] tolerate the continued brutalization of [[w:Citizenship of the United States|its citizens]] by crazed misfits? [[w:Crime in the United States|Criminals]] must be told that their [[w:Civil liberties in the United States|CIVIL LIBERTIES]] END WHEN AN ATTACK ON OUR SAFETY BEGINS!
**[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the ''New York Daily News'' and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* Let [[w:Politics of the United States|our politicians]] give back our [[w:New York City Police Department|police department]]'s power to keep us safe. Unshackle them from the constant chant of &quot;[[w:Police brutality in the United States|police brutality]]&quot; which every [[w:Misdemeanor|petty criminal]] hurls immediately at an officer who has just risked his or her life to save another's.
** [http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the New York Daily News and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* Of course I hate these people and let's all hate these people because maybe hate is what we need if we're gonna get something done.
** In [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/trump-larry-king-central-park-five/index.html 1989 interview] with {{W|Larry King}}, about the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (who was later found to have been wrongfully convicted)

* I like to hire people that I've seen in action. I often hire people that were on the opposing side of a deal that I respect.
**''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' (September 23, 1989), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 25

* I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist.
**''[[w:Playboy (magazine)|Playboy]]'' (March 1990)

====''[[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|Trump: The Art of the Deal]]'' (1987)====
:&lt;small&gt;'''From ''Trump: The Art of the Deal'' (1987) by Donald J. Trump with [[Tony Schwartz (author)|Tony Schwartz]].'''&lt;/small&gt;

* I don't do it for the [[money]]. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever [[need]]. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That's how I get my kicks.
** p. 1

* I try to [[learn]] from the [[past]], but I plan for the [[future]] by focusing exclusively on the [[present]].
** p. 2

* Sometimes it pays to be a little wild.
** p. 5

* Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that '''sometimes your best [[investments]] are the ones you don't make.'''
** p. 28

* My [[philosophy]] is always to hire the best from the best.
** p. 31

* Deal-making is an ability you're born with. It's in the genes.
** p. 45

* I like thinking big. I always have. To me it's very simple: if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big. Most people think small, because most people are afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of winning. And that gives people like me a great advantage.
** p. 46

* I wasn't [[satisfied]] just to earn a good living. I was looking to make a statement.
** p. 47

* People think I'm a [[gambler]]. I've never gambled in my life. To me, a gambler is someone who plays slot machines. I prefer to own slot machines. It's a very good [[business]] being the house.
** p. 48

* The point is that you can't be too [[Greed|greedy]].
** p. 48

* I'm a great believer in [[asking]] everyone for an [[opinion]] before I make a [[decision]]. ... I ask and I ask and I ask, until I begin to get a gut feeling about something. And that's when I make a decision. I have learned much more from conducting my own random surveys than I could ever have learned from the greatest of consulting firms.
** pp. 51–52

* The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it. That makes the other guy smell blood, and then you're dead. The best thing you can do is deal from strength, and leverage is the biggest strength you can have. Leverage is having something the other guy wants. Or better yet, needs. Or best of all, simply can't do without. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, which is why leverage often requires imagination, and salesmanship.
** p. 53

* The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people's fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That's why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration—and a very effective form of promotion.
** p. 58

* My experience is that if you're fighting for something you believe in—even if it means alienating some people along the way—things usually work out for the best in the end.
** p. 59

* One of the problems when you become successful is that jealousy and envy inevitably follow. There are people—I categorize them as life's losers—who get their sense of accomplishment and achievement from trying to stop others. As far as I'm concerned, if they had any real ability they wouldn't be fighting me, they'd be doing something constructive themselves.
** p. 59

* '''You can't con people, at least not for long. You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on.'''
** p. 60

[[File:Trump_1987.jpg|thumb|205x205px|Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.]]
* '''[[Money]] was never a big [[motivation]] for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the [[game]].'''
** p. 63

* Get in, get it done, get it done right, and get out.
** p. 65

* The most important thing in life is to [[love]] what you're doing, because that's the only way you'll ever be really good at it.
** p. 67

* You can't be [[scared]]. You do your thing, you hold your ground, you stand up tall, and whatever happens, happens.
** p. 89

* [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|My own mother]] was a housewife all her life. And yet it's turned out that I've hired a lot of [[women]] for top jobs, and they've been among my best people. Often, in fact, they are far more effective than the [[men]] around them.
** p. 173

* In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.
** p. 355

* What I admire most are people who put themselves directly on the line.
** p. 367

* In my life, there are two things I've found I'm very good at: overcoming obstacles and motivating good people to do their best work.
** p. 367

===1990===
[[File:Universal_health_care.svg|thumb|I'm very [[liberal]] when it comes to [[health care]]. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.]]
[[File:Goddess_of_Democracy_at_UBC.jpg|thumb|When the students poured into Tiananmen Square, the Chinese government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989|they put it down with strength]]. That shows you the power of strength.]]
* What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.
** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 3

*She turned out to be the wife of a man who was then the prime minister of a major country. I'd heard stories about this lady, but I never thought much of them until that night. We met at the house of the friend who'd phoned me. After we'd all chatted for a while in the living room, the four of us who already knew each other drifted out to the kitchen, leaving Ben and Madame X in the living room to get better acquainted. Which they did. In fact, when we drifted back in, about ten minutes later, she and Ben were involved in an incredibly torrid scene on the couch. I remember standing there and thinking to myself, &quot;Well, Donald, you're not in Queens anymore.&quot;
** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 52

* &quot;When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left,&quot; he told me.
** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990|title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} by [[Marie Brenner]]

* &quot;I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me,&quot; Donald told a close friend.
** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990 |author=Marie Brenner |title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}}

* Very good question. (pause) I don't think it's a sin but I don't think it should be done.
** in response to the question, &quot;Is [[adultery]] a sin.&quot;
** in the ''[[New York Post]]'' (February 23, 1990), as [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/30/donald-trump-in-1990-adultery-is-not-a-sin.html archived at ''the Daily Beast'']

* [[Leona Helmsley]] is a truly evil human being. She treated employees worse than any human being I've ever witnessed and I've dealt with some of the toughest human beings alive.
** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}

* When [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests|the students poured into Tiananmen Square]], the {{w|Chinese government}} almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength. That shows you the power of strength.
** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Bury Trump in a Landslide |periodical={{w|New York Daily News}} |url=http://interactive.nydailynews.com/2016/10/daily-news-editorial-bury-trump-in-landslide/}}

* I said to the [[bankers]], &quot;Listen, fellows, if I have a problem, then you have a problem. We have to find a way out or it's going to be a difficult time for both of us.&quot;
** ''Fortune'' (August 13, 1990), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 44
** Cf. [[J. Paul Getty]]: &quot;If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.&quot;

===1991===
* You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
** [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a24057/donald-trump-presidential-run-2016-072913/ Esquire Interview] (1991)

===1992===
* You have to treat 'em [women] like s--- {{sic}}
** Reported in {{cite news |title=Fighting Back: Trump Scrambles off the Canvas |first=Julie |last=Baumgold |work=New York |volume=25 |number=44 |date=1992-11-09 |page=43 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=BeUCAAAAMBAJ&amp;q=%22trump+is+talking+about+women+and+says%22#v=snippet&amp;q=%22trump%20is%20talking%20about%20women%20and%20says%22&amp;f=false}}. Bowdlerization in the original.

* Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I'll be dating you.
** to two 14-year-old girls in 1992
** from the {{w|Chicago Tribune}}, as archived at [http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/10/13/in_1992_trump_told_two_14_year_old_girls_in_a_couple_of_years_i_ll_be_dating.html Slate]

* He's a good guy, and he's not going to hurt anybody. . . . He treated his wife well and . . . he will treat Marla well.
:Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.
:I mean, he's living with Marla and he's got three other girlfriends.
:He does things for himself. When he makes a decision, that will be a very lucky woman.
:* Speaking about himself under the pseudonym of [[w:Pseudonyms of Donald Trump#&quot;John Miller&quot; (1991)|John Miller]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl a 1991 interview with a ''People'' reporter], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself], Washington Post 

* I'm gonna be dating her in ten years.
** of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992
** {{citation |date=2016-10-13 |author=Emily Schultheis |title=More allegations, questionable Trump comments on women surface |periodical=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/news/more-unearthed-footage-trump-says-of-10-year-old-i-am-going-to-be-dating-her-in-10-years/}}

===1993===
* '''Howard Stern''': So, you treat women with respect?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Uh, I can't say that either.&lt;br&gt;'''Stern''': Alright, good.
** An interview on ''[[w:The Howard Stern Show|The Howard Stern Show]]'', 1993

* You know, if you’re young, and in this era, and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam—it’s called the dating game... Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam.
** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1993, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People'']

*I am not a {{w|law enforcement officer}}. I am not supposed to be going around checking {{w|Indian reservation}}s. That is what you have [[w:Federal Bureau of Investigation#Indian reservations|the FBI for]], and they are very capable, the most capable.
**Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, October 5, 1993: In ''Implementation of Indian Gaming Regulatory Act: Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, One Hundred Third Congress ... Public Law 100-497, the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988'', Part 5, page 187

===1994===
* Well, I think that she's got a lot of [[w:Marla Maples|Marla]] [Maples, Trump's second wife], she's a really beautiful baby, and she's got Marla's legs. We don't know whether she's got this part yet [gestures toward own chest], but time will tell...
** [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/04/06/video_donald_trump_on_his_one_year_old_daughter_s_brests.html On his then-one year old daughter Tiffany], ''Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'', 1994

*Everybody's always blaming me for everything.
**16 May 1994 in &quot;For Sale by Owner&quot; s4e24 of &quot;Fresh Prince of Bel-Air&quot;, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_wcNmQ_hEk&amp;t=70 video here]

===1996===
* Let's make a deal; if you promise not to get &quot;personal&quot; with me, I will promise not to show you as the crude, fat and obnoxious slob which everyone knows you are. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump.
** [http://www.palmbeachdailynews.com/lifestyles/before-twitter-name-calling-letter-from-donald-trump/KaGSV40cQnefESyXhe5CuN/ Letter to journalist Shannon Donnelly], 1996

===1997===
*“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider”
**speaking of having [[sex]] and referring to women's genitals as “potential landmines”.
** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1997, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People'']

===1999===
* I'm [[w:Conservatism in the United States|conservative]], and even very [[conservative]]. But I'm quite [[w:Liberalism in the United States|liberal]] and getting much more [[w:Healthcare reform debate in the United States#Liberal arguments|liberal on health care]] and other things. I really say: What's the purpose of a country if you're not going to have defensive and [[health care]]? If you can't take care of your sick in the country, forget it, it's all over. I mean, it's no good. So I'm very liberal when it comes to health care. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/stories/1999/10/08/trump.transcript/ Interview with Larry King] ''CNN'' (October 1999)

* I surround myself with the best people. I know the best people.
** On an interview (1999 November 26)

* The part of my life I think I'm most disappointed in is that I have not had the great marriage. And I would have thought that would have happened, because I came from a home—you know, it's not like some of my [[Friend|friends]], they get divorced, but their parents were divorced twice or three times. I came from a home where marriage was just incredible. I mean, my parents truly loved each other.
** ''Good Morning America'' (2 December 1999), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 46

* I'm on the conservative side, but [[Pat Buchanan|[Pat] Buchanan]] is [[Attila]] the Hun.
** As quoted in  ''Selected Quotes from Newsweek Magazine, 1999'' — {{cite web |url=https://web.archive.org/web/20001015150910/http://www.sph.umich.edu/~rwatt/old_nw3.htm |title=Richard Watanabe - Newsweek Quotes, 1999 |publisher=Sph.umich.edu |date= |accessdate=2010-06-13}}

* People want me to [run for president] all the time … I don't like it. Can you imagine how controversial I'd be? You think about him ''[Bill Clinton]'' and the women. How about me with the women? Can you imagine?
** On ''{{W|Hardball with Chris Matthews}}'', as quoted in {{citation |date=1999-07-12 |author=Deborah Orin |title=Trump ‘toys’ with prez run |periodical={{w|New York Post}} |url=http://nypost.com/1999/07/12/trump-toys-with-prez-run}}

===2000===
* I generally oppose [[w:Gun control in the United States|gun control]], but I support the ban on [[assault weapon]]s.
**{{cite book |title=[[w:The America We Deserve|The America We Deserve]] |authorlink1=w:Donald Trump |first1=Donald |last1=Trump |first2=Dave |last2=Shiflett |year=2000 |publisher=[[w:Renaissance Books|Renaissance Books]] |isbn=1580631312}}; {{cite news |title=Trump's Evolving Positions on Gun Issues |first1=Linda |last1=Qiu |first2=Kitty |last2=Bennett |date=March 12, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/12/us/politics/trump-evolving-positions-gun-issues.html}}

* So the [[wikipedia:Reform Party of the United States of America|Reform Party]] now includes a Klansman, Mr. [[David Duke|Duke]], a [[neo-Nazi]], Mr. Buchanan, and a [[communist]], [[w:Lenora Fulani|Ms. Fulani]]. This is not company I wish to keep.
** As quoted in {{cite news |last= |first= |date=14 February 2000 |title=QUOTATION OF THE DAY |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2000/02/14/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-815233.html |newspaper=The New York Times |location= |access-date= }}&lt;!--{{cite news |last1=Kaczynski  |first1=Andrew |last2=Massie| first2=Christopher |date= Aug. 26, 2015, at 11:27 p.m. |title=Top Racists And Neo-Nazis Back Donald Trump |url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/meet-the-prominent-white-nationalists-fired-up-to-support-do#.vuV8WvAdp |newspaper=BuzzFeed News |location= |access-date= }}--&gt;

* I judge people based on their capability, honesty, and merit.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=smMEAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PA23&amp;dq=%22Trump%20towers%22 &quot;Trump towers&quot;], interview with Paul Alexander, ''The Advocate'' (15 February 2000), p. 23

* It's very possible that I could be the first [[w:United States presidential election|presidential candidate]] to run and make money on it.
** Reported by Jerry Useem, [http://fortune.com/2000/04/03/what-does-donald-trump-really-want/ &quot;What Does Donald Trump Really Want?&quot;], ''Fortune'', 3 April 2000.

===2002===
* I think the regulations are very tough, but I think they could be made tougher. And where they really have to be made tougher is when somebody is proven [[w:Unfair business practices|to be dishonest]], not a mistake, not an honest mistake because look, people make bad business deals all the time. When somebody is proven to be dishonest, really harsh punishment has to take place.
**''[[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|Hardball with Chris Matthews]]'' (15 July 2002), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 23

* '''[[Howard Stern]]''': Are you for [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|the invasion of Iraq]]?
* '''Donald Trump''': Yeah, I guess so. I wish, uh, I wish [[Gulf War|the first time]] it was done correctly.
** Interview on [[wikipedia:The Howard Stern Show|Howard Stern Show]] (11 September 2002), reported by ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/in-2002-donald-trump-said-he-supported-invading-iraq-on-the? BuzzFeed]'' (19 February 2016)

* I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
** On [[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]]. Quoted in ''[https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ New York]'', 28 October 2002.

* I don't know how you do it. I've put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you've pulled off, it's amazing: a Big N' Tasty for just a dollar. How do you do it? What's your secret? Together Grimace, we could own this town.
** Trump's lines in a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4QNXnNftWk McDonald's advert] (2002), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-01-15|author=Rachel Desantis|title=Donald Trump’s lifelong love of fast food, from his 2002 McDonald’s commercial to ‘hamberders’|periodical=New York Daily News|url=https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/ny-news-donald-trump-has-always-loved-fast-food-20190115-story.html}}

===2003===
* I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways.
** Interview with Norwegian talk show host [[wikipedia:Fredrik Skavlan|Fredrik Skavlan]] in (November 2003).{{fix cite}}&lt;!-- published/quoted where? --&gt;

===2004===
* Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004)

* If you don't tell people about your success, they probably won't know about it.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. xiii

* Get going. Move forward. Aim high. Plan for a takeoff. Don't just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won't happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you'll love it up here.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 74

* In business—every business—the bottom line is understanding the process. If you don't understand the process, you'll never reap the rewards of the process.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 86

* Watch, listen, and learn. You can't know it all yourself—anyone who thinks that they do is destined for mediocrity.
** ''Trump: The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received'' (2004), p. 20

* I don't like firing people. It's not a pleasant thing and it's sad. ... In some cases, it's a terrible, terrible situation for the person who gets fired, how strongly they take it. So it's not something that any rational or sane person can love doing, but it also happens to be a fact of life in business.
** ''Boston Herald'' (7 January 2004), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 16

* People say, &quot;Do you have the same opportunity today as you had years ago?&quot; And I said, &quot;Absolutely.&quot; You always have an opportunity. There's always an opportunity, especially in this country.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0403/21/le.00.html Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer], ''CNN'' (21 March 2004)

* All of the women on [[w:The Apprentice (U.S. TV series)|''The Apprentice'']] flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected.
**[http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/gossip/donald-cuomo-mario-fired-article-1.612165 Ny Daily News] (24 March 2004)

* ''[On &quot;You're fired!&quot;:]'' There's a beauty in those two words. When you utter those words, there's very little that can be said. There's a succinctness to those words.
** {{citation
|title=Trump TV / 'The Apprentice' takes realistic inside look at corporate world
|journal=San Francisco Chronicle
|date=2004-03-28
|first=David
|last=Armstrong
|url=http://www.sfgate.com/business/article/Trump-TV-The-Apprentice-takes-realistic-2802491.php
}}

* My life is seeing everything in terms of &quot;How would ''I'' handle that?&quot; '''Look at the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]] and the mess that we're in. I would never have handled it that way.''' Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C'mon. Two minutes after we leave, there's going to be a [[revolution]], and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he'll have [[w:Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], which [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] didn't have. '''What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who've been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!'''
** ''Esquire'' magazine (August 2004); [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/interviews/a37230/donald-trump-esquire-cover-story-august-2004/ &quot;Donald Trump: How I'd Run the Country (Better)&quot; (18 August 2015)]

* Pregnancy is &quot;a wonderful thing for the woman, it's a wonderful thing for the husband, it's certainly an inconvenience for a business.&quot;
** About pregnancy (2004)

* The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I’ve been proven right.
** Playboy, 2004 [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/06/14/donald-trump-70-birthday-quotes/85619552/]

* In many cases, I probably identify more as Democrat.  It just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats than the Republicans. Now, it shouldn't be that way. But if you go back, I mean it just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats. ...But certainly we had some very good economies under Democrats, as well as Republicans. But we've had some pretty bad disaster under the Republicans.
** Said in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, as quoted by {{citation |title=Trump in '04: 'I probably identify more as Democrat'
| journal=CNN | author=Chris Moody | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2015/07/21/politics/donald-trump-election-democrat/index.html }}

===2005===
* I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, &quot;Is everyone OK?&quot;, you know they're standing there with no clothes, &quot;Is everybody OK?&quot;, and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that.
** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005)

* They had a person who was extremely proud that a number of the women had become doctors. And I wasn't interested.
** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005)

* I did try and fuck her. She was married. '''I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there.''' And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look. I've gotta use some [[w:Tic Tacs|Tic Tacs]], just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. '''Just kiss. I don't even wait. When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything... Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.'''
** To {{w|Billy Bush}} in 2005; [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html &quot;Transcript: Donald Trump's Taped Comments About Women&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (8 October 2016)

===2006===
* It would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.
** On 7 March 2006 during an appearance on the daytime talk show ''[[w:The View (talk show)|The View]]'' while discussing the possibility of [[Ivanka Trump]]’s posing for ''[[Playboy]]'' magazine. As quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/donald-trump-date-daughter/ Did Donald Trump Say He’d Like to Date His Daughter?]'' by Dan Evon, 10 July 2015, ''{{w|Snopes}}'', and quoted with video clip in {{citation|date=2016-10-10|author=Adam Withnall|title=Donald Trump's unsettling record of comments about his daughter Ivanka|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-creepiest-most-unsettling-comments-a-roundup-a7353876.html}}

* I thought today's women were independent and had a lot of sexual freedom. ... Well, I guess they fooled me.
** In April 2006, about women's disaproval of {{w|one-night stand}}s. As quoted in ''[https://www.marketwatch.com/story/trump-on-clinton-in-2008-shed-make-a-good-president-2016-07-11 Trump on Clinton in 2008: ‘She'd make a good president']'' (July 11, 2016) by Michael Rothfield and {{w|Mark Maremont}}, ''{{w|MarketWatch}}''.

* '''Jon Ward:''' There's a lot of talk, which you no doubt heard too, about a sort of [[real estate]] bubble. What's your take on that pessimism?
* '''Donald Trump:''' Well, first of all, I sort of hope that happens because then people like me would go in and buy. 
** ''How to Build a Fortune'' (2006), Trump University audiobook, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-05-19|author=Jeremy Diamond|title=Donald Trump in 2006: I 'sort of hope' real estate market tanks|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/05/19/politics/donald-trump-2006-hopes-real-estate-market-crashes/index.html}}

* No, I have no age — I mean, I have age limit. I don't want to be like Congressman Foley, with, you know, 12-year-olds,
** [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/donald-trump-howard-stern-tapes-women-35_uk_57fa46e1e4b01fa2b904368b Donald Trump Howard Stern Tapes Show Him Saying 35 Is 'Check-Out Time' For Women And Agreeing His Daughter Is A 'Piece Of Ass'] (2006) When asked if he has an age limit for women he'll sleep with.

===2007===
* Since I love what I do, I do it vigorously and I do it better. Because I inject it with enthusiasm and passion, it doesn't feel like work. My passion spills over to everyone around me and motivates them to do their very best.
** ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uuR61zcvMTgC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1&amp;dq=%22since+I+LOVE+WHAT+I+DO,+I+DO+IT+VIGOROUSLY%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=ko6GrZPr-e&amp;sig=x3zLQ1fWbNJIrx-7M0CzI-zPljg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjuncTq2OvRAhXCLMAKHTzHDNwQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22since%20I%20LOVE%20WHAT%20I%20DO%2C%20I%20DO%20IT%20VIGOROUSLY%22&amp;f=false Trump 101 The Way to Success]'' (2007), p. 1

* Passion is absolutely necessary to achieve any kind of long-lasting success. I know this from experience. If you don't have passion, everything you do will ultimately fizzle out or, at best, be mediocre.
** ''Trump 101 The Way to Success'' (2007), p. 2

* [[Iraq War|The war]] is total disaster. It's a catastrophe, nothing less. It is such a shame that this took place. In fact, I gained a lot of respect for our current [[George H. W. Bush|president's father]] by the fact that he had the sense not to go in to [[Iraq]]. He won the war and then said let's not go the rest of the way and he turned out to be right. And [[Saddam Hussein]], whether they like him or didn't like him, he hated [[terrorists]]. He'd shoot and kill terrorists. When terrorists came in to his country, which he did control and he did dominate, he would kill terrorists. Now it's a breeding ground for terrorists. So, look, the war is a total catastrophe...and they have [[w:Sectarian violence in Iraq (2006–08)|a civil war]] going on.
** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on &quot;The Situation Room&quot; with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007)

* I make that --- twice now, on a Monday I let returning Iraqi injured [[soldiers]] come to the premises. The most beautiful people I've ever seen. But they're missing arms and legs, they're with their wives, sometimes they're with their girlfriends. And the tears are coming down the faces of these people. I mean, thousands and maybe hundreds of thousands, and [[w:Casualties of the Iraq War#Total Iraqi casualties|the Iraqis that have been just maimed and killed]]. This war is a horrible thing. Now, President Bush says he's [[religious]]. And yet 400,000 people, the way I count it, have died, and probably millions have been badly maimed and injured. What's going on? What's going on? And the day we pull out it's going to explode. We're keeping the lid on a little bit. It's still a catastrophe, but the day we pull out, because they're in a [[w:Iraqi Civil War|civil war]]. Whether we want to admit it or not, they're in a civil war.
** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on &quot;The Situation Room&quot; with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007)

* [[Hillary Clinton]] I think is a terrific woman. I am biased because I have known her for years. I live in New York. She lives in New York. I really like her and her husband both a lot. I think she really works hard. And I think, again, she's given an agenda, it is not all of her, but I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.
** 2007 ''CNN'' interview, reported in [[w:Zeke J. Miller|Zeke J. Miller]], &quot;[http://time.com/3962799/donald-trump-hillary-clinton/ When Donald Trump Praised Hillary Clinton]&quot;, ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (July 17, 2015).

* {{w|Trump Steaks}} are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer you. And as a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give. One bite, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, and believe me. I understand steaks, it's my favorite food.
** Lines marking the introduction of Trump Steaks by The Sharper Image (2007)

* My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with the markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings, but I try.
** Claimed in December 2007, quoted in [https://money.cnn.com/2011/04/21/news/companies/donald_trump/index.htm &quot;Trump: I'm worth whatever I feel&quot;], ''CNN'' (April 21, 2011)

* Congratulations on being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' — you definitely deserve it. As you have probably heard, I'm a big fan of yours!
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/revealed-donald-trump-letters-to-vladimir-putin-miss-universe-russia-2020-8?r=US&amp;IR=T Letter to Russian president Vladimir Putin]

===2008===
* They'll walk up, and they'll flip their top, and they'll flip their panties.
** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-details-sexual-attractions-relationships-radio-interviews/story?id=37190691 Interview on ''The Howard Stern Show''] (2008)

* Hillary Clinton said she'd consider naming [[Barack Obama]] as her vice president when she gets the nomination, but she's nowhere near a shoo-in.
** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in audio released by the ''Journal''. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''.

* For his part, Obama said he's just focused on winning the nomination although at least one member on his team said Clinton would make a good vice president. Well, I know her and she'd make a good president or good vice president.
** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in an audio from &quot;Trumped!&quot;, a syndicated radio feature that aired from 2004 to 2008. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''.

* It's very exciting we have a new president. It would have been nice if he ended with a 500 point up instead of down. It's certainly very exciting. His speech was great last night. I thought it was inspiring in every way. And, hopefully he's going to do a great job. But the way I look at it, he cannot do worse [[w:Presidency of George W. Bush|than Bush]].
** [http://www.foxnews.com/story/2008/11/06/donald-trump-on-president-elect-obama-cannot-do-worse-than-bush.html &quot;Donald Trump on President-Elect Obama: 'He Cannot Do Worse Than Bush'&quot; Interview with Greta Van Susteren] [[Fox News]] (6 November 2008)

===2009===
* If I'd started in business thinking I knew everything, I'd have been sunk before I started... Never think of learning as being a burden or studying as being boring. It may require some discipline, but it can be an adventure. It can also prepare you for a new beginning.
** ''Think Like a Champion: An Informal Education In Business and Life'' (2009), pp. 16–17

* Without passion, you don't have energy; without energy, you have nothing. [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.]]
** As quoted in ''Social Networking for Authors: Untapped Possibilities for Wealth'' (2009) by Michael Volkin, p. 60

*let's just talk. I'll give you as much time as you want. I'll tell you what you need to know
**2009 to [[w:Bradley Edwards|Bradley Edwards]] (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) as narrated by Edwards in December 2018 interview, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit]

===2011===
* Part of the [[beauty]] of me is that I am very [[rich]].
** Interview with [[w:Ashleigh Banfield|Ashleigh Banfield]] on ABC's ''[[w:Good Morning America|Good Morning America]]'' (17 March 2011); also in {{citation |date=2011-03-17 |author=Neil King Jr. |title=Trump on 2012: ‘Part of Beauty of Me Is I'm Very Rich’ |periodical=Washington Wire |publisher=Wall Street Journal |url=http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2011/03/17/trump-on-2012-part-of-beauty-of-me-is-im-very-rich/}}

* They asked [[John McCain]] for his [[w:Birth certificate|birth certificate]]. They've asked others for their birth certificate. They asked Bush for his birth certificate, by the way. I just found out over the weekend. And they would ask me for my birth certificate and by the way, it's sitting on the top of my desk. They give you a certificate of live birth, which anybody can get, just walk into the hospital, and you get a certificate of live birth. It's not even signed by people. Now, this guy either has a birth certificate or he doesn't. And I didn't think this was such a big deal, but I will tell you, it's turning out to be a very big deal because people now are calling me from all over saying, please don't give up on this issue. If you weren't born in this country, [[w:Natural-born-citizen clause|you cannot be president]].
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* So he could have come into the country, and they did it for social reasons they put it in! They did it for whatever reason. There are a lot of reasons you could have put an ad in. But he could have been born outside of this country. Why can't he produce a birth certificate and by the way, there is one story that his family doesn't even know what hospital he was born in!
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* I start off every time I talk about [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories#Campaigners and proponents|the birthers]], I start off by saying, and it's very interesting, I was a great student at the best college in the country. You know? I want to let people know. I'm a smart guy. Because what they do to the birthers, and I don't even like the term, the birthers. I think it's unfair to them. These are people that want to see a birth certificate. They want to know that the president was born here!
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* Because if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. And, there is a real question. And if this birth certificate exists, you know what I get a kick out of? [[w:Neil Abercrombie|The Governor of Hawaii]] says, &quot;I remember when he was born 50 years ago.&quot; I doubt it. I think this guy should be investigated. I doubt it. He remembers when [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Childhood years|Obama was born]]? Give me a break! He's just trying to do something for [[Democratic Party (United States)|his party]]. The fact is, if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. He is having a hard time — he spent millions of dollars trying to get away from this issue, millions of dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And I'll tell you what, I brought it up just routinely and all of a sudden, a lot of facts are emerging, and I'm starting to wonder myself whether or not he was born in this country.
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* '''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of [[politics]], and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Vieira''': I mean, in [[Hawaii]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics.
**{{citation
|title=Today
|date=2011-04-07
|publisher=NBC
|medium=Television}}
** regarding Barack Obama
** Two million dollars is the sum of all the Obama presidential campaign's post-election legal expenses.[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/apr/12/donald-trump/donald-trump-claims-obama-has-spent-2-million-lega/]

* '''[[w:David Brody (journalist)|David Brody]]''': [[Radical Islam]]: to [[Evangelicalism in the United States|Evangelicals]], this is a bread and butter issue. You said there's a [[Islam in the United States|Muslim problem]] in this country. What do you mean by that exactly? &lt;br&gt; '''Donald Trump''': [[Bill O'Reilly (commentator)|Bill O'Reilly]] asked me is there a Muslim problem? And I said absolutely, yes. In fact I went a step further. I said I didn't see [[Swedes|Swedish people]] [[September 11 attacks|knocking down the World Trade Center]]. It was very interesting. I thought that was going to be a controversial statement and somebody, I think it was [[Dennis Miller]] introduced me, he was doing like an analysis of me, he said, I love it. The guy said what the truth is. He didn't mince his words. He didn't say, 'Oh, gee, no there's not a Muslim problem, everybody's wonderful.' And by the way, many, many, most Muslims are wonderful people, but is there a Muslim problem? Look what's happening. Look what happened right here in my city with the World Trade Center and lots of other places. So I said it and I thought it was going to be very controversial but actually it was very well received. I think people want the truth. I think they're tired of politicians. They're tired of [[politically correct]] stuff. I mean I could have said, 'Oh absolutely not Bill, there's no Muslim problem, everything is wonderful, just forget about the World Trade Center.' But you have to speak the truth. We're so politically correct that this country is falling apart. &lt;br&gt;'''Brody''': With some evangelicals there are some problems with the teachings of the [[Koran]]. Do you have concerns about the Koran? &lt;br&gt; '''Trump''': Well, I'll tell you what. The Koran is very interesting. A lot of people say it [[w:Religious views on love#Islam|teaches love]] and there is a very big group of people who really understand the Koran far better than I do. I'm certainly not an expert, to put it mildly. But there's something there that teaches some very negative vibe. I mean things are happening, when you look at people blowing up all over the streets that are in some of the countries over in the [[Middle East]], just blowing up a super market with not even soldiers, just people, when 250 people die in a super market that are shopping, where people die in a store or in a street. There's a lot of hatred there that's some place. Now I don't know if that's from the Koran. I don't know if that's from some place else. But there's tremendous hatred out there that I've never seen anything like it. So, you have two views. You have the view that the Koran is all about love and then you have the view that the Koran is, that there's a lot of [[w:Violence in the Quran|hate in the Koran]].
** On [[w:CBN News|CBN News]]' &quot;The Brody File&quot; (12 April 2011) ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWzDAvemJG8 video]) ([http://blogs.cbn.com/thebrodyfile/archive/2011/04/12/brody-file-exclusive-donald-trump-says-something-in-koran-teaches.aspx transcript])

* I look very much forward to showing my financials. Because they are huge.
** {{citation
|first=Michael
|last=Scherer
|title=In the presence of Donald Trump
|date=2011-04-11
|journal=Time
|url=http://swampland.time.com/2011/04/14/in-the-presence-of-donald-trump/
|accessdate=2019-10-28}}

* I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Harvard Law School|to Harvard]]? I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.
** Associated Press interview, 2011-04-25
** {{citation
|first=Lucy
|last=Madison
|title=Trump: How did Obama get into the Ivy League?
|date=2011-04-25
|journal=CBS News
|url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20057214-503544.html
|accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/dnCsg|archivedate=2013-06-28}}
** About [[w:Barack Obama#Education|Barack Obama's education]], who graduated from {{w|Columbia University}} in 1983 and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a {{w|Juris doctorate}} from Harvard Law School in 1991

* Today I'm very [[proud]] of myself, because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that our president has finally released a birth certificate. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters, so the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it, why he didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I don't know. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real? Is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored.
** press conference, 2011-04-27
** {{citation
|title=Trump Questions Obama Birth Certificate
|date=2011-04-27
|journal=TMZ
|url=http://www.tmz.com/2011/04/27/donald-trump-barack-obama-birth-certificate-comment-quote/
|accessdate=2011-05-01}}
** Regarding the release of Barack Obama's full birth record from Hawaii that morning

* The word is, according to what I've have read, is that he was a terrible student when he went to [[w:Occidental College|Occidental]]. He then gets to [[w:Columbia_University|Columbia]] and then gets to [[Harvard University|Harvard]]. I heard at Columbia he was not a very good student, and then he then he gets into Harvard. How do you get into Harvard if you are not a good student? Maybe that's right, maybe that's wrong, but I don't know why he doesn't he release his records. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records?
** press conference, New Hampshire, 2011-04-27
** {{citation
|title=Schieffer: Racism underlying Trump's assertions
|date=2011-04-27
|journal=CBS News
|url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20058072-503544.html
|accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/ryIny|archivedate=2013-06-28}}
** About [[Barack Obama]], who transferred to Columbia from Occidental College in 1981, graduated from Columbia in 1983, and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a Juris doctorate from Harvard Law School in 1991

* It's like in [[golf]]. A lot of people — I don't want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a [[Traditionalistic|traditionalist]]. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be [[Homosexuality|gay]], but I am a traditionalist.
**{{citation
|title=After Roasting, Trump Reacts In Character
|date=2011-05-01
|journal=New York Times
|first=Michael
|last=Barbaro
|url=http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/nyregion/after-roasting-trump-reacts-in-character.html
|accessdate=2011-05-06}}
** on his opposition to [[same-sex marriage]]

* I know the [[Chinese people|Chinese]]. I've made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind.
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2011-05-03 |author=Tony Pierce |title=Donald Trump has read a lot of books on China: 'I understand the Chinese mind' |periodical=Los Angeles Times |url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/05/donald-trump-i-understand-the-chinese-mind.html}}, and in {{citation |date=2015-08-24 |author=John Mauldin |title=Playing the Chinese Trump Card |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnmauldin/2015/08/24/playing-the-chinese-trump-card/}}

* I dealt with [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]]. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed,' but I screwed him. That's what we should be doing.
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2015-07-22 |title=Donald Trump: In his own colourful words |periodical=BBC News |url=http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33619045}}

* She's a slob, she talks like a truck driver.
* If I were running my business, I'd fire Rosie, I mean, I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers and say, &quot;Rosie, you're fired.&quot;
** On an interview on why he hates [[Rosie O'Donnell]] (28 August 2011)

* Our president will start a war with [[Iran]] because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.  He is weak and he is ineffective.  So the only way he figures he is going to be reelected and as sure as you are sitting there, is to start a war with Iran.
** A now-deleted video on his YouTube video blog. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |title=Trump repeatedly claimed in 2011 and 2012 that Obama would start a war with Iran to win reelection |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/03/politics/kfile-trump-obama-2012-iran-war-reelection/index.html}}

===2012===
* [[Mitt Romney|Mitt]] is tough. He is smart. He is sharp. He is not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love. So Gov. Romney, go out and get em. You can do it.
** Quoted in {{citation
    | date = 2012-02-02
    | url = http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57370443-503544/trump-endorses-mitt-romney-for-president/
    | author = Corbett B. Daly 
    | title = Trump endorses Mitt Romney for president
    | periodical = CBS News
}}

* No, I've never ''really'' changed. Nothing's ''changed'' my ''mind''. And by the way, you know, you have a huge group of people — I walk down the street, and people are screaming, &quot;Please don't give that up.&quot;  A lot of people are questioning his birth certificate. They're questioning the authenticity of his birth certificate. I've been known as being a very smart guy for a long time. I don't consider myself birther or not birther, but there are some major questions here and the press doesn't wanna cover it. The press just refuses to cover it. Now if that were somebody else, they would be covering it, and they'd be throwing people out of office. But they don't want to cover it. So it's interesting.
** {{citation
 | title = Telephone interview
 | publisher = CNBC
 | date = 2012-05-29
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-29
 | title = Donald Trump Goes On Epic Birther Rant
 | newspaper = {{w|The Huffington Post}}
 | author = Melissa Jeltsen
 | url = http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/29/donald-trump-romney-obama-birther_n_1553074.html
}}

* '''Wolf Blitzer:''' Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' No I think you are, Wolf. Now let me tell you something, I think ''you'' sound ridiculous, and if you'd ask me a question and let me answer it —&lt;br&gt;'''Blitzer:''' Here's the question, did the conspiracy start in 1961 where the [[w:Honolulu Star-Bulletin|''Honolulu Star-Bulletin'']] and the [[w:Honolulu Advertiser|''Honolulu Advertiser'']] contemporaneously published announcements that he was born in [[Hawaii]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' That's right. That's right. And many people put those announcements in because they wanted to get the benefit because of getting so-called born in this country. Many people did it. It was something that was done by many people even though they weren't born in the country. You know and so do I... And so do a lot of your viewers. Although you don't have too many viewers.
* '''Donald Trump''' (clip): I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Meredith Vieira''' (clip): You have people now, down there searching—&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Vieira''' (clip): I mean, in Hawaii?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Wolf Blitzer''': All right, tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii, what they found.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Oh, we don't have to go into old news. That's ''old'' news.&lt;br&gt;'''Blitzer''': Well, what did they find?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': There's been plenty found. You can call many people. You can read many, many articles on the authenticity of the certificate. You can read many articles from just recently as to what the publisher printed in a brochure as to what Obama told him, as to where his place of birth is. And that's fine, Wolf.&lt;br&gt;Now, it's appropriate, I think, that we get to the subject of hand, which is — at hand, which is jobs, which is [[Economy of the United States|the economy]], which is how our country is not doing well at all under this leadership, which is how are we going to do something about energy, which is really that things that I wanted to talk to you about, but you like to keep going back to the place of birth.
** {{citation
 | title = The Situation Room
 | publisher = CNN
 | date = 2012-05-29
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-29
 | title = Wolf Blitzer Spars With Donald Trump Over Obama's Birth Certificate
 | author = Elizabeth Flock
 | newspaper = US News &amp; World Report
 | url = http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2012/05/29/wolf-blitzer-spars-with-donald-trump-over-obamas-birth-certificate
}}
** Referring to a 1991 promotional booklet by literary agency Acton &amp; Dystel with bios of 89 authors, that erroneously described Barack Obama as &quot;born in Kenya&quot;.[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthers/booklet.asp]

*@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
**28 August 2012 [https://archive.md/PtoCf tweet]

* He [Obama] lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a [[revolution]] in this country!
* The phoney [sic] electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!
* More votes equals a loss... revolution!
* This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!
* The [[w:United_States_Electoral_College|electoral college]] is a disaster for a democracy.
** Tweets on November 6 and 7, 2012, some of which were later deleted. Trump falsely believed Barack Obama had lost the popular vote. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/11/15/trumps-flip-flop-on-the-electoral-college-from-disaster-to-genius/ Trump’s flip-flop on the electoral college: From ‘disaster’ to ‘genius’]

* [[Republicans]] didn't have anything going for them with respect to {{w|Latinos}} and with respect to [[Asian people|Asians]]... The [[Democrats]] didn't have a policy for dealing with illegal immigrants, but what they did have going for them is they weren't mean-spirited about it... They didn't know what the policy was, but what they were is they were kind... He had a crazy policy of self deportation which was maniacal... It sounded as bad as it was, and he lost all of the Latino vote... He lost the Asian vote. He lost everybody who is inspired to come into this country... Take care of this incredible problem that we have with respect to [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]], with respect to people wanting to be wonderful productive citizens of this country.
** Interview with Newsmax (November 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2015-07-10|author=Jim Geraghty|title=Trump 2008: Bush Is Evil, Talk to Iran, Obama Cannot Do Worse Than Bush|periodical=National Review|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty}}

*[climate change was] &quot;created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive&quot;
** said in 2012 according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51213003 What does Trump actually believe on climate change?]
*&quot;It doesn't matter who you vote for--it matters who is counting the votes.&quot; Be careful of voter fraud!. Oct 10 2012 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/256063573669855232]

===2013===
* I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high [[Intelligence quotient|IQ]]) with strong common sense.
** &quot;[https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/10/politics/donald-trump-tillerson-iq/index.html Donald Trump's IQ obsession, in 22 quotes]&quot; (April 21, 2021)

* Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure,it's not your fault
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/332308211321425920 Tweet 9 May 2013]

* I keep asking, how long will we go on defending [[South Korea]] from [[North Korea]] without payment? South Korea is a very very rich country. They're rich because of us. They sell us [[Television|televisions]], they sell us cars. They sell us everything. They are making a fortune. We have a huge deficit with South Korea. They're friends of mine. I do deals with them. I've been partners with them, no problem. But they think we're stupid. They can't believe it. We are defending them against North Korea, we're doing it for nothing. We're not in that position. When will they start to pay us for this defense? Isn't it really ridiculous when you think of it? They make a fortune on the United States and then they got some problems, and what happens? They call the United States to defend them, and we get nothing?
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=agk9ZCrYol4 &quot;From the Desk of Donald Trump: South Korea&quot;] ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'' (10 April 2013)

* Must be a pretty picture you dropping to your knees.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7NDpHfXTCI &quot; to Brande Roderick, From The Apprentice, Season 6, Episode 1&quot;] (3 March 2013) &lt;!-- ''YouTube'' --&gt; 

* Leadership: whatever happens, you're responsible. If it doesn't happen, you're responsible.
** [https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/398887965302091776 Tweet (8 November 2013)]

* I do have a relationship and I can tell you that he's very interested in what we're doing here today, he's probably very interested in what you and I are saying today, and I'm sure he is going to be seeing it in some form. But I do have a relationship with him, and I think, er, it's very interesting to see what's happened. I mean, look, he's done a very brilliant job in terms of what he represents and who he's representing, if you look at what he's done with Syria, if you look at so many of the different things, he has really eaten our president's lunch, let's not kid ourselves.
** [http://www.msnbc.com/thomas-roberts/watch/trump-discusses-putin-in-2013-734124099973 Trump responding to a question about whether he had a relationship with Vladimir Putin during an interview with MSNBC's Thomas Roberts while visiting Moscow for the Miss Universe competition] (November 2013)

===2014===
*Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn't feel good and changes - AUTISM. Many such cases!
**Twitter, [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/449525268529815552?lang=en 28 March 2014]

* If this doctor, who so recklessly flew into New York from West Africa, has Ebola,then Obama should apologize to the American people &amp; resign!
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Snopes fact check: Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.? (23 Oct)]

===2015===
====May 2015====
* There is a way of beating [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]] so easily, so quickly, so effectively, and it would be so nice...I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory...the problem is then everybody will take the idea, run with it and then people will forget where it came from...'''I ran it past two or three people. [It's] so simple. It's like the paper clip.'''
** On his plan to defeat ISIS (May 2015)

====June 2015====
* So I said to myself, you know, nobody's ever going to know unless I run, because I'm really proud of my success.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-donald-trump-helped-democrats-pass-obamacare/2015/06/22/002f4c7c-18ea-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html Announcement speech] (June 2015)

* I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
** Campaign launch rally, 15 June 2015

=====[[wikipedia:Donald Trump presidential campaign, 2016#Announcement|Presidential Bid Announcement]] (June 16, 2015)=====
[[File:Donald_Trump_crop_2016.jpeg|thumb|[[Sadly]], the [[American dream]] is [[dead]]. But if I get [[elected]] [[president]], I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make [[America]] [[great]] again.]] 
: &lt;small&gt;At {{w|Trump Tower}}, {{#formatdate:2015-06-16}}, speech announcing his candidacy for U.S. president — {{citation
 | date = June 16, 2015
 | title = Full text: Donald Trump announces a presidential bid
 | author = 
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/06/16/full-text-donald-trump-announces-a-presidential-bid/
}}&lt;/small&gt;
* Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have [[victories]] anymore. We used to have victories, but we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time. When did we beat [[Japan]] at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a [[Chevrolet]] in [[Tokyo]]? It doesn't exist, folks. They beat us all the time. When do we beat [[Mexico]] at the border? They're laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they are beating us [[economically]]. They are not our friend, believe me. But they're killing us economically. The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems.
* '''When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing [[drugs]]. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are [[good]] people.''' But I speak to [[wikipedia:United States Border Patrol|border guards]] and they tell us what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They're sending us not the right people. It's coming from more than Mexico. It's coming from all over [[Latin America|South and Latin America]], and it's coming probably – probably – from the [[Middle East]]. But we don't know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don't know what's happening. And it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast.
* {{w|Islamic terrorism}} is eating up large portions of the Middle East. They've become rich. I'm in competition with them. They just built a hotel in Syria. Can you believe this? They built a hotel. When I have to build a hotel, I pay interest. They don't have to pay interest, because they took the oil that, when we left Iraq, I said we should've taken.
* I love the military, and I want to have the strongest military that we've ever had, and we need it more now than ever. But I said, &quot;Don't hit Iraq,&quot; because you're going to totally destabilize the [[Middle East]]. [[Iran]] is going to take over the Middle East, Iran and somebody else will get the oil, and it turned out that Iran is now taking over Iraq. Think of it. Iran is taking over Iraq, and they're taking it over big league.
* We lost thousands of lives, thousands in [[Iraq War|Iraq]]. We have wounded soldiers, who I love, I love — they're great — all over the place, thousands and thousands of wounded soldiers. And we have nothing. We can't even go there. We have nothing. And every time we give Iraq equipment, the first time a bullet goes off in the air, they leave it.
* Last quarter, it was just announced our [[Gross Domestic Product|gross domestic product]] — a sign of [[strength]], right? But not for us. It was below zero. Whoever heard of this? It's never below zero.
* A lot of people up there can't get jobs. They can't get jobs, because there are no jobs, because China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. They all have jobs.
* Our [[enemies]] are getting stronger and stronger by the way, and we as a country are getting [[weaker]]. Even our [[nuclear arsenal]] doesn't work. It came out recently they have equipment that is 30 years old. They don't know if it worked. And I thought it was horrible when it was broadcast on television, because boy, does that send signals to [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] and all of the other people that look at us and they say, &quot;That is a group of people, and that is a nation that truly has no clue. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're doing.&quot;
* We have a disaster called the big lie: {{w|Obamacare}}. ... We have to repeal Obamacare, and it can be — and — and it can be replaced with something much better for everybody. Let it be for everybody. But much better and much less expensive for people and for the [[government]]. And we can do it.
* Remember the [[w:HealthCare.gov|$5 billion Web site]]? $5 billion we spent on a [[Internet|Web site]], and to this day it doesn't work. A $5 billion Web site. I have so many Web sites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a Web site. It costs me $3.
* I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. And people are saying, &quot;What's going on? I just want a job. Just get me a job. I don't need the rhetoric. I want a job.&quot;
* Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I'd say, you what, if he wants to — I have one right next to the White House, right on the Potomac. If he'd like to play, that's fine. In fact, I'd love him to leave early and play, that would be a very good thing.
* I've watched the politicians. I've dealt with them all my life. If you can't make a good deal with a politician, then there's something wrong with you. You're certainly not very good. And that's what we have representing us. They will never make America great again. They don't even have a chance. They're controlled fully — they're controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the special interests, fully.
* I have lobbyists. I have to tell you. I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They're great. But you know what? it won't happen. It won't happen. Because we have to stop doing things for some people, but for this country, it's destroying our country. We have to stop, and it has to stop now.
* Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. We need a leader that wrote &quot;[[wikipedia:Trump: The Art of the Deal|The Art of the Deal]].&quot; We need a leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can bring back our military, can take care of our vets. Our vets have been abandoned. And we also need a cheerleader. ... We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It's not great again.
* He (Barack Obama) was vibrant. He was young. I really thought that he would be a great cheerleader. ... But he wasn't a cheerleader. He's actually a negative force. He's been a negative force. He wasn't a cheerleader; he was the opposite.
* We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It's not great again.
* We need -- we need somebody -- we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that.
* You know, all of my life, I've heard that a truly successful person, a really, really successful person and even modestly successful cannot run for public office. Just can't happen. And yet that's the kind of mindset that you need to make this country great again.
* So, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again!
* We have people that aren't working. We have people that have no incentive to work. But they're going to have incentive to work, because the greatest social program is a job. And they'll be proud, and they'll love it, and they'll make much more than they would've ever made, and they'll be — they'll be doing so well, and we're going to be thriving as a country, thriving. It can happen. I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.
* We owe China $1.3 trillion. We owe Japan more than that. So they come in, they take our jobs, they take our money, and then they loan us back the money, and we pay them in interest, and then the dollar goes up so their deal's even better. How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians to allow this to happen? How stupid are they?
* I'm totally against the trade bill for a number of reasons. Number one, the people negotiating don't have a clue. Our president doesn't have a clue. He's a bad negotiator. He's the one that did [[Bowe Bergdahl|Bergdahl]]. We get Bergdahl, they get five killer terrorists that everybody wanted over there. We get Bergdahl. We get a [[traitor]]. We get a no-good traitor, and they get the five people that they wanted for years, and those people are now back on the battlefield trying to kill us. That's the negotiator we have.
* [[Israel]] maybe won't exist very long. It's a disaster, and we have to protect Israel.
* I'm a [[Free trade|free trader]]. But the problem with free trade is you need really [[Talent|talented]] people to negotiate for you. If you don't have talented people, if you don't have great leadership, if you don't have people that know business, not just a political hack that got the job because he made a contribution to a campaign, which is the way all jobs, just about, are gotten, free trade terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren't smart. And we have people that are controlled by special interests. And it's just not going to work.
* I love China. The [[w:Bank of China|biggest bank in the world]] is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower. I love China. People say, &quot;Oh, you don't like China?&quot; No, I love them. But their leaders are much smarter than our leaders, and we can't sustain ourself with that.
* We have all the cards, but we don't know how to use them. We don't even know that we have the cards, because our leaders don't understand the game. We could turn off that spigot by charging them tax until they behave properly.
* You have a problem with [[Islamic State|ISIS]]. You have a bigger problem with China. And, in my opinion, the new China, believe it or not, in terms of trade, is Mexico.
* I know the smartest negotiators in the world. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the overrated ones.
* I love the [[Saudis]]. Many are in this building. They make a billion dollars a day. Whenever they have problems, we send over the ships. We say &quot;we're gonna protect.&quot; What are we doing? They've got nothing but money.
* Saudi Arabia without us is gone. They're gone.
* All of these politicians that I'm running against now, they're trying to disassociate. I mean, you looked at Bush, it took him five days to answer the question on Iraq. He couldn't answer the question. He didn't know. I said, &quot;Is he [[intelligent]]?&quot; Then I looked at [[Marco Rubio|Rubio]]. He was unable to answer the question, is Iraq a good thing or bad thing? He didn't know. He couldn't answer the [[question]]. How are these people gonna lead us? How are we gonna — how are we gonna go back and make it great again? We can't. They don't have a clue. They can't lead us. They can't. They can't even answer simple questions. It was terrible.
* [[Saudi Arabia]] is in big, big trouble. Now, thanks to [[W;Fracking|fracking]] and other things, the oil is all over the place. And I used to say it, there are ships at sea, and this was during the worst crisis, that were loaded up with oil, and the cartel kept the price up, because, again, they were smarter than our leaders. They were smarter than our leaders.
* I think I am a nice person. People that know me, like me. Does my [[family]] like me? I think so, right. Look at my family. I'm proud of my family.
* This is going to be an election that's based on competence, because people are tired of these nice people. And they're tired of being ripped off by everybody in the world. And they're tired of spending more money on education than any nation in the world per capita, than any nation in the world, and we are 26th in the world, 25 countries are better than us in education. And some of them are like third world countries. But we're becoming a third word country, because of our infrastructure, our airports, our roads, everything. So one of the things I did, and I said, you know what I'll do. I'll do it. Because a lot of people said, &quot;He'll never run. Number one, he won't want to give up his lifestyle.&quot; They're right about that, but I'm doing it.
* We have losers. We have people that don't have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain.
* I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.
* I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won't be using a man like Secretary [[John Kerry|Kerry]] that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who's making a horrible and laughable deal, who's just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won't be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.
* Fully support and back up the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|Second Amendment]].
* Bush is totally in favor of [[wikipedia:Common Core State Standards Initiative|Common Core]]. I don't see how he can possibly get the nomination. He's weak on immigration. He's in favor of Common Core. How the hell can you vote for this guy? You just can't do it. We have to end — education has to be local.
* Rebuild the country's infrastructure. Nobody can do that like me. Believe me. It will be done on time, on budget, way below cost, way below what anyone ever thought. I look at the roads being built all over the country, and I say I can build those things for one-third. What they do is unbelievable, how bad.
* Save {{w|Medicare}}, {{w|Medicaid}} and [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] without cuts. Have to do it. Get rid of the [[fraud]]. Get rid of the waste and abuse, but save it. People have been paying it for years. And now many of these candidates want to cut it. You save it by making the United States, by making us rich again, by taking back all of the money that's being lost.
* We're in a [[wikipedia:Economic bubble|bubble]]. We have artificially low interest rates. We have a stock market that, frankly, has been good to me, but I still hate to see what's happening. We have a stock market that is so bloated. Be careful of a bubble because what you've seen in the past might be small potatoes compared to what happens. So be very, very careful.
* Sadly, the American dream is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again.

====July 2015====
* '''Donald Trump''': Oh, well, if you look at the statistics, of people coming— I didn't say about Mexic— I say the ''[[illegal immigrants]]''— if you look at the statistics on [[rape]], on [[crime]], on everything, coming in illegally into this country, they're mind-boggling. If you go to [[w:Fusion News|Fusion]], you will see a story about 80% of the women coming in– I mean, you have to take a look at these stories. And you know who owns Fusion? [[w:Univision|Univision]]. It was in ''[[w:The Huffington Post|The Huffington Post]]''. I said, let me get some of these articles because I've heard some horrible things. I deal&lt;!--sic--&gt; a lot of talking with people on the border patrol. They're incredible people. They help our country.&lt;br&gt;'''Don Lemon''': But I want some clarification–&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': No, but Don, all you have to do is go to Fusion and pick up the stories on ''rape'', and it's unbelievable when you look at what's going on. So all I'm doing is telling the truth.&lt;br&gt;'''Lemon''': I've read ''The Washington Post'', I read the Fusion, I read ''The Huffington Post''. And that's about women ''being'' raped, it's not about criminals coming across the border entering the country.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Somebody's doing the raping, Don, I mean, you know– I mean, somebody's doing it. You think it's women being raped, well who's doing the raping? Who's doing the raping? I mean how can you say such a thing. So, the problem is you have to stop illegal immigration coming across the border. You have to create a strong border. If you don't, we don't have a country.
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-01
 | title = The Situation Room
 | medium = TV
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/01/politics/donald-trump-immigrants-raping-comments/
}}

[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg|thumb|I can't apologize for the truth.]]
* '''I can never apologize for the truth. I don't mind apologizing for things but I can't apologize for the truth.'''
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-02
 | title = TRUMP: 'I use the word rape and all of a sudden everyone goes crazy'
 | author = 
 | newspaper = finance.yahoo.com
 | url = https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-word-rape-sudden-everyone-172614480.html
}}

* I didn't know it was going to be this severe.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-04
 | title = Trump stands by statements on Mexican illegal immigrants, surprised by backlash
 | author = 
 | newspaper = FoxNews.com
 | url = http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/07/04/trump-stands-by-views-dangerous-mexican-illegal-immigrants-admits-surprised-by/
}}

* I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know why he wouldn't release his records.
** When asked whether he thought [[Barack Obama]] was born in the U.S. — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-10
 | title = Trump: I'm still a birther
 | author = Nick Gass
 | newspaper = Politico
 | url = http://www.politico.com/story/2015/07/donald-trump-birther-obama-119945.html?hp=l2_4&amp;cmpid=sf
}}

* The {{w|silent majority}} is back, and we're going to take the country back.
** Speech at a packed Phoenix Convention Cente, as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-12
 | title = Trump: 'We're Going to Take the Country Back'
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/12/donald-trump-phoenix-speech-were-going-take-country-back
}}

*The Obama Administration's agreement with Iran is very dangerous. Iran developing a nuclear weapon, either through uranium or nuclear fuel, and defying the world is still a very real possibility. The inspections will not be followed, and Iran will no longer have any sanctions. Iran gets everything and loses nothing. Every promise the Obama Administration made in the beginning of negotiations, including the vow (made at the beginning of the negotiations) to get our great American prisoners returned to the U. S. has been broken. This is a bad deal that sets a dangerous precedent. This deal sets off a nuclear arms race in the Middle East, which is the most-unstable region in the world. It is a horrible and perhaps catastrophic event for [[Israel]]. Furthermore, we should have kept the billions of dollars we have agreed to pay them. Any great dealmaker would know this is a perfect example of &quot;tapping along&quot; and because they have been unchecked for so long throughout this extremely lengthy process, I guarantee they are much closer to producing a nuclear weapon than they were at the start of negotiations. The fact is, the US has incompetent leaders and even more incompetent negotiators. We must do better for America and the world. We have to [[Make America Great Again]].
**[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-donald-j-trump-the-iran-agreement Statement by Donald J. Trump on the Iran Agreement], ''American Presidency Project'', 14 July 2015

* And I had an idea recently. When they send illegals into our country, we charge Mexico $100,000 for every illegal that crosses that border because it's trouble.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-15
 | title = Fox News &quot;Hannity&quot;- Transcript: Trump On El Chappo And Undocumented Immigration
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://votesmart.org/public-statement/1113598/fox-news-hannity-transcript-trump-on-el-chappo-and-undocumented-immigration#.XxcUdZMzbOQ
}}

* It's going to get worse in our country and we better start fighting a lot tougher than we're fighting right now.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-16
 | title = Trump: 'Absolutely Ridiculous' Marines Not Allowed to Carry Guns at Centers
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/16/donald-trump-reacts-chattanooga-shootings-oreilly-factor
}}

* '''Donald Trump:''' 15,000 people showed up to hear me speak. Bigger than anybody and everybody knows it. A beautiful day with incredible people that were wonderful, great Americans, I will tell you. [[John McCain]] goes, &quot;Oh, boy, Trump makes my job difficult. He had 15,000 ''crazies'' show up.&quot; Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they weren't crazy. They were great Americans. These people— if you would have seen these people— you— I know what a crazy is. I know all about crazies. These weren't crazy. So he insulted me and he insulted everybody in that room...&lt;br&gt;'''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' Do you agree with that?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured, OK? You can have— and I believe— perhaps he's a war hero, but— but right now he said some very bad things about a lot of people.
** Family Leadership Summit 2015, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-18
 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured'
 | author = Harriet Alexander
 | newspaper = The Telegraph
 | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html
}}

* I see [[Rick Perry]] the other day. ... He's doing very poorly in the polls. He put on glasses so people will think he's smart. And it just doesn't work! You know people can see through the glasses!
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-21
 | title = Trump Campaign Statement on Rick Perry
 | author =
 | newspaper = NPR
 | url = http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2015/07/21/424994751/the-best-insults-of-the-trump-kickoff-speech
}}

* But you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-21
 | title = Speech in Sun City, South Carolina
 | author =
 | newspaper = Slate
 | url = http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2015/07/31/donald_trump_this_run_on_sentence_from_a_speech_in_sun_city_south_carolina.html
}}

* If you can't get rich dealing with politicians, there's something wrong with you.
** [http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/07/donald-trump-campaign-speech-lindsey-graham Campaign Rally in South Carolina]
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImhJ2sFBJmA YouTube]&lt;!--[Has to add exactly minute and second in this video]--&gt;

* I'm a Republican, I'm a conservative, I'm in first place, I want to run as a Republican and I think I'll get the nomination... [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Hillary Clinton]]] is easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of the country. She's going to be beaten and I'm the one to beat her.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-23
 | title = Donald Trump tours Mexican border with Texas
 | author = 
 | newspaper = BBC
 | url = http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33645971
}}

* '''Jose Diaz-Balart:''' Mr. Trump, you know 53,000 [[w:Hispanic-American|Hispanics]] turn 18 years of age in this country every month, born in the country of voting age. 54 million plus Hispanics — many feel that what you said when you said that the people who cross the border are rapists and murderers—&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' No, no, no! We're talking about [[w:Illegal immigration in the United States|illegal immigration]] and everybody understands that. And you know what? That's a typical case. That's a typical case of the press with misinterpretation. They take a half a sentence, they take a half a sentence, then they take quarter of a sentence and put it all together. It's a typical thing...&lt;br&gt;'''Diaz-Balart:''' I'm not finished with my question.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' No, no! You're finished!
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-23
 | title = Crowd Erupts in Applause at How Donald Trump Handles MSNBC Host at Presser: 'You're Finished!'
 | author = Oliver Darcy
 | newspaper = TheBlaze
 | url = http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/07/23/crowd-erupts-in-applause-at-how-donald-trump-handles-msnbc-host-at-presser-youre-finished/
}}

* I think that I would be a great uniter. I think that I would have great diplomatic skills. I think that I would be able to get along with people very well. I've had a great success in my life. I think the world would unite if I were the leader of the United States.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-30
 | title = Trump: 'World would unite if I were the leader'
 | author = Jesse Byrnes
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/249875-trump-world-would-unite-if-i-were-the-leader
}}

====August 2015====
[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpg|thumb|I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.]]
* I think the big problem this country has is being [[Political correctness|politically correct]].
** Republican Presidential Debate 2015 — {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-06
 | title = Annotated transcript: The Aug. 6 GOP debate
 | author = 
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/08/06/annotated-transcript-the-aug-6-gop-debate/
}}

* You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2015/08/08/politics/donald-trump-cnn-megyn-kelly-comment/ On Megyn Kelly] (7 August 2015)

* I cherish women. I want to help women. I'm going to do things for women that no other candidate will be able to do.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-09
 | title = 12 times Donald Trump declared his 'respect' for women
 | author = Gregoy Krieg
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/donald-trump-respect-women/index.html
}}

* I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help women.
** ''Face the Nation'', 9 August 2015

*I think there has to be a trust. There actually has to be a trust. If you don't trust, you're not going to do very well.
**In response to a reporter's line of questioning on what his specific plans will be to achieve the goals of his campaign. [http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/melanie-hunter/trump-specifics-his-proposals-trust-me &quot;Trump on Specifics of His Proposals: ‘Trust Me'&quot;] (12 August 2015), by Melanie Hunter

* We have to keep the families together, but they have to go. What if they have no place to go?
** During the [[w:Iowa State Fair|Iowa State Fair]] (2015 August 15)

* You know, when you put out policy, like a 14-point plan? A lot of times in the first hour of negotiation, that 14-point plan goes astray, but you may end up with a better deal. That's the way it works. That's the way really life works. When I do a deal, I don't say, &quot;Oh, here's 14 points.&quot; I got out and do it. I don't sit down and talk about 14 points.
** Appearance at Iowa State Fair - {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-15
 | title = Donald Trump's surprisingly savvy analysis of American politics
 | author =
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url= http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/08/16/donald-trumps-surprisingly-savvy-comment-about-american-politics/
}} {{Paywalled source}}

* Hillary Clinton was the worst [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] in the history of the country. The world came apart under her reign... I will be the one to beat Hillary.
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-08-20
 | title = Donald Trump Explains All
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/
}}

* If you start adding it up, our real unemployment rate is 42%.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-20
 | title = Donald Trump Explains All
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/
}}. For a discussion of this figure, see [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/upshot/the-real-jobless-rate-is-42-percent-donald-trump-has-a-point-sort-of.html &quot;The Real Jobless Rate Is 42 Percent? Donald Trump Has a Point, Sort Of&quot;] by Neil Irwin, ''The New York Times'' (10 February 2016).

* You've seen my statements, I do very well, I don't mind paying some taxes. The [[w:Middle class|middle class]] is getting clobbered in this country. You know the middle class built this country, not the hedge fund guys, but I know people in hedge funds that pay almost nothing and it's ridiculous.
** Interview on [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]]'s ''With All Due Respect'' — {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-26
 | title = Donald Trump Says He Wants to Raise Taxes on Himself
 | author = David Knowles
 | newspaper = Bloomberg
 | url = http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2015-08-26/donald-trump-says-he-wants-to-raise-taxes-on-himself
}}

* I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.
** Interview with [[w:Chris Cuomo|Chris Cuomo]]{{citation
| date = 2015-08-11
| title =  Donald Trump: ‘I keep whining and whining until I win’ 
| author = Jeremy Diamond
| newspaper = CNN
| url = https://www.cnn.com/2015/08/11/politics/donald-trump-refutes-third-party-run-report/index.html}}

====September 2015====
* We're a nation that speaks English. I think that, while we're in this nation, we should be speaking English... that's how we assimilate.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-03
 | title = Donald Trump: &quot;While We're in This Nation, We Should Be Speaking English&quot;
 | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter
 | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/donald-trump-speak-english-spanish-820215
}}

* &quot;''Look'' at that face! [of [[Carly Fiorina]]] Would anyone ''vote'' for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next ''president''?!&quot;
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-09
 | title = Trump Seriously: On the Trail With the GOP's Tough Guy
 | newspaper = Rolling Stone
 | url = http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/trump-seriously-20150909
}}

* The fact is all lives matter. That includes black, and it includes white, and it includes everybody else. And we have... Democrats that are afraid to even say that.
** As quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-09
 | title = Donald Trump trashes Black Lives Matter: 'I think they're trouble'
 | author = Colin Campbell
 | newspaper = Business Insider
 | url = http://uk.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-black-lives-matter-2015-9?r=US&amp;IR=T
}}

* This is a country where we speak English, not Spanish.
** Criticizing Jeb Bush for speaking Spanish on the campaign trail during a Republican Presidential Debate on CNN (16 September 2015)

* '''Audience member''': We have a problem in this country, it's called Muslims. Our current President is one. We know he's not even an American. We have training camps growing where they want to kill us. That's my question, when can we get rid of them? &lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': We're going to be looking at a lot of different things. A lot of people are saying that and a lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there. We're going to be looking at that and a lot of different things.
** At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-17
 | title = Here's How Donald Trump Responded to a Person Saying President Obama is Muslim
 | author = Maya Rhodan
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4039658/trump-obama-muslim/
}}

* Am I morally obligated to defend the president every time somebody says something bad or controversial about him? I don't think so!
* This is the first time in my life that I have caused controversy by NOT saying something.
** Tweets — quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-20
 | title = Trump defend Obama? 'I don't think so!'
 | author = Doina Chiacu
 | newspaper = Reuters
 | url = http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/20/us-usa-election-trump-idUSKCN0RJ0KT20150920
}}

* You can be politically correct if you want, but are you trying to say we don't have a problem? ... Most Muslims, like most everything, I mean, these are fabulous people... But we certainly do have a problem, I mean, you have a problem throughout the world. ... It wasn't people from Sweden that blew up the World Trade Center.
** On CNN's &quot;State of the Union&quot; with Jake Tapper — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-20
 | title = Trump: 'We certainly do have a problem' with some Muslims
 | author = Timothy Cama
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/254307-trump-we-certainly-do-have-a-problem-with-some-muslims
}}

* The first thing I'd do in my first day as president is close up our borders so that illegal immigrants cannot come into our country.
** Twitter question and answer session from Twitter's New York office — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-21
 | title = Trump: I'll close US borders 'in my first day'
 | author = Jesse Byrnes
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/254391-trump-ill-close-us-borders-in-my-first-day
}}

* You ever see guys with nothing on their desk? They always fail. I don't know what it is. I've seen it for years.
** Explaining his messy desk, ''The New York Times Magazine'' interview. {{citation
 | date=2015-09-21
 | title=Donald Trump is not going anywhere
 | author = Mark Leibovich
 | newspaper = The New York Times Magazine
 | url = http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html
}}

* Why aren't we letting ISIS go and fight Assad and then we pick up the remnants?
** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-60-minutes-scott-pelley/ Interview in ''60 Minutes''], 2015-09-27
** Cited by [[Mitt Romney]] in [http://uk.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-donald-trump-isis-60-minutes-ridiculous-2016-3?r=US&amp;IR=T ''Business Insider''], 2016-03-03

* I will tell you in terms of leadership he is getting an 'A,' and our president is not doing so well. They did not look good together.
** {{citation |date=2015-09-30 |author=Reena Flores |title=Donald Trump gives Russia's Putin an 'A' in leadership |periodical=CBS News |url=https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-gives-russias-putin-an-a-in-leadership/}}

====October 2015====
*All my friends who work out all the time, they’re going for knee replacements, hip replacements — they’re a disaster
**4 October 2015 interview with [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html New York Times]

* I've always said, if you run for president, you shouldn't be allowed to use teleprompters. Because you don't even know if the guy is smart.
** Norcross, Georgia, {{#formatdate:2015-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-07-21 |title=Teleprompter Trump: the right temperament or low-energy Donald? |author=Joe Concha |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/288626-teleprompter-trump-the-right-temperament-or-low}}

* He was such a nice guy. And he said, Oh, I'm never going to attack. But then his poll numbers tanked. He's got -- that's why he's on the end -- and he got nasty. And he got nasty. So you know what? You can have him.
** Response to [[John Kasich]] {{citation
| date=2015-10-28
|title= CNBC Republican debate transcript
|newspaper = CNBC
|url = http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/29/cnbc-full-transcript-cnbcs-your-money-your-vote-the-republican-presidential-debate-part-2.html
}} 

====November 2015====
* '''Trump''': I'm Donald Trump, and I'm running for president. Our country is in deep trouble because let's face it: politics are all talk and no action. My opponents have no experience in creating jobs or making deals. The fact is, I'm going to make the greatest trade deals we've ever made in our country. And I'm going to bring jobs and money back to the United States. I'll take care of our veterans and make our military so strong that nobody will ever mess with us. I'll secure our borders, and yes, we will have a wall. You can't have a country without borders. [[w:Affordable Care Act|Obamacare]] is a great plan . It will be repealed and replaced with something much better. If the people of Iowa vote for me, you'll never be disappointed. I don't disappoint people, I produce. Together, we're going to [[w:Make America Great Again|Make America Great Again]]. I'm Donald Trump, candidate for president, and I hate this message.&lt;br&gt;'''Female V/O''': Paid for by Donald J. Trump for President, Inc.
** Radio ad aired in Iowa (5 November 2015)

* You're going to have a deportation force, and you're going to do it humanely and you're going to bring the country -- and, frankly, the people, because you have some excellent, wonderful people, some fantastic people hat have been here for a long period of time. Don't forget, Mika, that you have millions of people that are waiting in line to come into this country and they're waiting to come in legally. And I always say the wall, we're going to build the wall. It's going to be a real deal. It's going to be a real wall. There was a picture in one of the magazines where they had a wall this tall and they were taking drugs over the wall. They built a ramp over the wall and the truck was going up and down. They were using it like a highway; the wall is like a highway. It's not going to happen. It's going to be a Trump wall. It's going to be a real wall. And it's going to stop people and it's going to be good. But your friend [[Thomas Friedman]] called me and said, hah, there should be a big door. I said going to be a big door. I love the expression. There's going to be a big beautiful nice door. People are going to come in and they're going to come in legally. But we have no choice. Otherwise, we don't have a country. We don't even know how many people. We don't know if it's 8 million or if it's 20 million. We have no idea how many people are in our country. And then you see what happened with Kate in San Francisco. You see what happens with all of the things going on, all of the tremendous crime going on. It costs us $200 billion a year for illegal immigration right now. $200 billion a year, maybe $250, maybe $300. They don't even know. We're going to stop it. We're going to run it properly and we're going to stop it.
** On his immigration plan (2015 November 11)

* Watch and study the [[Mosque|mosques]], because a lot of talk is going on at the mosques.
** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/16/politics/donald-trump-paris-attacks-close-mosques/index.html &quot;Donald Trump: 'Strongly consider' shutting mosques&quot;] (16 November 2015), by Gregory Krieg, ''CNN'' (2015), Atlanta, Georgia: Cable News Network.

* [When the government says] 'everybody gets equal pay,' you get away from the whole [[American Dream]].
** An unequal answer about equal pay (19 November 2015)

* I would certainly implement that. Absolutely... There should be a lot of systems, beyond databases. We should have a lot of systems... They have to be. They have to be... It's all about management.
** As quoted in [http://www.people.com/article/donald-trump-muslim-database-syrian-refugees &quot;Donald Trump Says He Supports a Database and ID Cards to Track Muslims in the U.S.: 'We're Going to Have to Look at the Mosques'&quot;] (20 November 2015), by Char Adams, ''People''.

* Somebody said I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.
** Quoted by {{citation
| date=2015-11-20
|title= Trump says he’s the Hemingway of Twitter
|newspaper = The Hill
| author = Bradford Richardson
|url = https://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/260949-trump-says-hes-the-hemingway-of-twitter
}} 

* Get him the hell out of here.
** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-supporters-black-lives-matter-protester-clash-at-rally/ &quot;Trump supporters, Black Lives Matter protester clash at rally&quot;] (21 November 2015), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc.

*I watched when the World Trade Center came tumbling down. And I watched in [[w:Jersey City, New Jersey|Jersey City, N.J.]], where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. Thousands of people were cheering.&lt;br&gt;It was on television. I saw it. It was well covered at the time, George. Now, I know they don't like to talk about it, but it was well covered at the time. There were people over in [[New Jersey]] that were watching it, a heavy Arab population, that were cheering as the buildings came down. Not good.
**21 November 2015 speech in [[w:Birmingham, Alabama|Birmingham, Alabama]], then next-day reply to [[George Stephanopoulos]], according to [https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/nov/22/donald-trump/fact-checking-trumps-claim-thousands-new-jersey-ch/ 22 November 2015 PolitiFact article]

* Written by a nice reporter. Now the poor guy - you ought to see the guy: ‘Uhh I don't know what I said. I don't remember!' He's going, ‘I don't remember! Maybe that's what I said.'
** As quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX9reO3QnUA&amp;t=15 &quot;Trump mocks reporter with disability&quot;] (25 November 2015 by CNN) and [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/donald-trump/12019097/Donald-Trump-accused-of-mocking-disabled-reporter.html &quot;Donald Trump accused of mocking disabled reporter&quot;] (26 November 2015), by Rob Crilly regarding [[Serge Kovaleski]]

=====''[[wikipedia:Crippled America|Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again]]'' (November 2015)=====
:published 3 November 2015

* The enthusiasm was based on pure love and love of what we were doing.
** Preface, p. xiv

* The fact is I give people what they need and deserve to hear - exactly what they don't get from politicians - and that is The Truth. Our country is a mess right now and we don't have time to pretend otherwise. We don't have time to waste on being politically correct.
** p. 8

* I use the media the way the media uses me—to attract attention. Once I have that attention, it's up to me to use it to my advantage.
** p. 10

* I've seen these so-called journalists flat-out lie. I say that because incompetence doesn't begin to explain the inaccurate stories they have written.
** p. 12

* Our country, our people, and our laws have to be our top priority.
** p. 30

* Citizenship is not a gift we can afford to keep giving away.
** p. 28

* I want good people to come here from all over the world, but I want them to do so legally. We can expedite the process, we can reward achievement and excellence, but we have to respect the legal process. And those people who take advantage of the system and come here illegally should never enjoy the benefits of being a resident--or citizen--of this nation. So I am against any path to citizenship for undocumented workers or anyone else who is in this country illegaly. They should--and need to--go home and get in line.
** p. 30

* Depending on the price of oil, Saudi Arabia earns somewhere between half a billion and a billion dollars every day. They wouldn't exist, let alone have that wealth, without our protection. We get nothing from them. Nothing. We defend Germany. We defend Japan. We defend South Korea. These are powerful and wealthy countries. We get nothing from them. It's time to change all that. It's time to win again.
** p. 34

* When Kuwait was attacked by Saddam Hussein, all the wealthy Kuwaitis ran to Paris. They didn't just rent suites—they took up whole buildings, entire hotels. They lived like kings while their country was occupied. Who did they turn to for help? Who else? Uncle Sucker. That's us.
** p. 34

* We can't be afraid to use our military, but sending our sons and daughters should be the very last resort. I've seen what wars do to our kids. I've seen their broken bodies, know all about the horrors that live in their heads, and the enormous effects of trauma. We cannot commit American troops to battle without a real and tangible objective.
** p. 35

* To me, for politicians to claim that we have an answer to every problem is silly. When you listen to some politicians reeling off their prepared answers, you almost fall for it. They're all experts. But nothing ever happens.
** p. 73

* I manage to blast through the ridiculous liberal bias of the media and speak right to the hearts of the people - or at least I try.
** p. 80

* It's not just jobs that are being lost to other countries. We are seeing whole industries vanish overseas.
** p. 85

* A great leader has to be flexible, holding his ground on the major principles but finding room for compromises that can bring people together. A great leader has to be savvy at negotiations so we don't drown every bill in pork barrel bridges to nowhere. I know how to stand my ground — but I also know that Republicans and Democrats need to find common ground to stand on as well.
** p. 96

* We look at politicians and think: This one's owned by this millionaire. That one's owned by that millionaire, or lobbyist, or special interest group. Me? I speak for the people. So the establishment attacks me. They can't own me, they can't dictate to me, so they search for ways to dismiss me.
** p. 97

====December 2015====
* My policy has always been the same. We're fighting ISIS and Assad is fighting ISIS, but we're backing rebels to fight [[w:Bashar al-Assad|Assad]]. You can't fight everybody, you have to pick who you want to fight. And now you've got [[Turkey]], who like ISIS more than they like others, no one really knows because we don't have people that know what they're doing. So in my opinion, you go along, and [[Russia]] does not like ISIS, and people are starting to find out. I mean in all fairness lost an airplane, got blew out of the air. So Russia is not a fan of ISIS. Russia is bombing the hell out of them, starting to bomb them. I say isis is our number one threat. We can't be fighting everybody at the same time. ISIS is our number one threat. I would bomb the hell out of them -- I like to do one thing at a time. I would knock the hell out of ISIS. I would hit them ... so hard like they've never been hit before.
** In an interview with ''{{w|Fox &amp; Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015)

* They're using them as shields. It's a horrible thing. They're using them as shields. But we're fighting a very politically correct war. And the other thing is with the terrorists. You have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives. Don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families.
** When asked how he would deal with civilian casualties. In an interview with ''{{w|Fox &amp; Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015)

* If you're in the [[w:White House|White House]], who wants to take a vacation?  You're in the White House!… What's better than the White House?  Why these vacations? 
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] December 5, 2015 rally

* Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on... According to Pew Research, among others, there is great hatred towards Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. Most recently, a poll from the [[w:Center for Security Policy|Center for Security Policy]] released data showing &quot;25% of those polled agreed that violence against Americans here in the United States is justified as a part of the global jihad&quot; and 51% of those polled, &quot;agreed that Muslims in America should have the choice of being governed according to [[Sharia|Shariah]].&quot; Shariah authorizes such atrocities as murder against non-believers who won't convert, beheadings and more unthinkable acts that pose great harm to Americans, especially women.
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/donald-j.-trump-statement-on-preventing-muslim-immigration Statement on Preventing Muslim Immigration] (December 7, 2015) archived [https://archive.ph/TK7qR here]

* We are losing a lot of people to the Internet. We have to do something. We have to go see [[Bill Gates]] and a lot of different people that really understand what's happening. We have to talk to them [about], maybe in certain areas, closing that Internet up in some way. '''Some people will say, ‘[[Freedom of speech]], Freedom of speech'. These are foolish people.'''
** [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/dec/08/googles-eric-schmidt-spell-checkers-hate-harassment-terrorism Google's Eric Schmidt calls for 'spell-checkers for hate and harassment'], 8 December 2015, by Alex Hern.

* We have places in [[London]] and other places that are so radicalised that the [[police]] are afraid for their own lives. We have to be very smart and very vigilant.
** As quoted in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-claims-parts-of-london-are-so-radicalised-police-officers-are-afraid-for-their-lives-a6765026.html &quot;Donald Trump claims parts of London are 'so radicalised' police officers are 'afraid for their lives'&quot;] by Rose Troup Buchanan, ''[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]'' (8 December 2015); also in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3352406/Scotland-Yard-mocks-Trump-s-claims-London-police-terrified-Muslim-areas-officers-claim-tycoon-RIGHT.html &quot;'Trump's not wrong – we can't wear uniform in our OWN cars': Five police officers claim Donald Trump is RIGHT about parts of London being so 'radicalised' they are no-go areas&quot;] by Martin Robinson, ''Daily Mail Online'' (9 December 2015)

* These are people that are outside the country, so we're really not talking about the [[U.S. Constitution|Constitution]]. And it's not about religion. This is about safety. This has nothing to do with religion. It's about safety.
** Interview on ABC's &quot;Life with Kelly and Michael&quot;, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/262615-trump-muslim-ban-not-about-religion &quot;Trump: Muslim ban 'not about religion'&quot;] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015)

* We're doing really well with the [[Evangelicalism in the United States|evangelicals]], and, by the way: And again, I do like [[Ted Cruz]] -- but not a lot of [[Evangelicalism|evangelicals]] come out of [[Cuba]], in all fairness. It's true. Not a lot come out. But I like him nevertheless. But I think we're going to do great, and we are doing great with evangelicals.&lt;br&gt;I'm with you. I'm with everybody. I'm with everybody, look, I'm self-funding. I have no oil company. I have no special [[interest]]. I have no lobbyists.&lt;br&gt;Well look he's from [[Texas]] -- to the best of my knowledge, there's a lot of oil in Texas, right? So, he gets a lot of money from the oil companies, and he's against ethanol and everything you're else talking about. And I'm not I'm totally in favor. And you know it's a big industry here, it's a big industry. You know if that industry is upset Iowa's got problems.&lt;br&gt;I really do, I like Ted Cruz a lot, I would say that we would certainly have things in mind for Ted, to be honest with you. I mean, he's somebody that I could certainly say that [about] because I like him.
**11 December 2015 during a rally in Iowa, according to [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/12/11/donald-trump-questions-ted-cruzs-ties-to-major-oil-companies/ Washington Post article] by Jenna Johnson, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/in-iowa-donald-trump-hits-ted-cruz-on-ethanol-and-religion/ CBS News article] by Kylie Atwood, and [https://web.archive.org/web/20151213223442/http://blogs.reuters.com/talesfromthetrail/2015/12/12/donald-trump-and-ted-cruz-are-best-of-frenemies/ Reuters article] by Emily Stephenson

* We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they're going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice.
**27 December 2015 on ''60 Minutes''

* I know words. I have the best words.
**30 December 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn283OjPb1g speech in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina] reported by [https://gawker.com/yet-another-bold-claim-from-donald-trump-i-know-words-1750331997 Gawker] and [https://dailycaller.com/2015/12/30/trump-i-know-words-i-have-the-best-words-obama-is-stupid-video/ The Daily Caller]

* I'm trying to figure out, let's see, I'm in my room, in [[New York City|New York city]], and I want to put a little spray, so I can, you know [mimes spraying] right, right, but I hear they don't want me to use the hairspray, they want me to use the pump, because the other one, which I really like better than going [mimes pumping] bang, bang, bang, and then it comes out in big globs, right, and it's stuck in your hair and you say, &quot;Oh my god I've got to take a shower again, my hair's all screwed up&quot;, right, I want to use hairspray, but they say &quot;Don't use hairspray, it's bad for the ozone&quot;, so I'm sitting in this concealed [sic] apartment, this concealed unit (you know I do live in a very apartment, right) but it's sealed (it's beautiful) I don't think anything gets out, and I'm not supposed to be using hairspray!
**30 December 2015 [https://www.c-span.org/video/?402610-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-hilton-head-south-carolina speaking at a rally in Hilton Head, SC]

===2016===
====January 2016====
[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_4.jpg|thumb|I'm very angry. Because our country is being run horribly. I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it.&lt;br&gt;
We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief! Our country is being run by incompetent people and yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess!]]
* The entire world has been upset. The entire world, it's a different place. During Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's term, she's done a horrible job.&lt;br&gt;She has caused death. She has caused tremendous death with incompetent decisions. I was against the [[war in Iraq]]. I wasn't a politician, but I was against the war in Iraq. She voted for the war in Iraq.&lt;br&gt;Look at {{w|Libya}}. That was her baby. Look. I mean, I'm not even talking about the ambassador and the people with the ambassador. Young, wonderful people. With messages coming in by the hundreds, and she's not even responding. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about all of the death that's been caused and not only our side.&lt;br&gt;There was nothing saved. If we would have never done anything in the Middle East, we would have a much safer world right now. ... All of this has led to the migration. All of this has led to tremendous death and destruction. And she for the most part was in charge of it along with Obama.&lt;br&gt;She's constantly playing the woman card. It's the only way she may get elected. I mean frankly... Personally, I'm not sure that anybody else other than me is going to beat her. And I think she's a flawed candidate. And you see what's happened recently. And it hasn't been a very pretty picture for her or for Bill. Because I'm the only one that's willing to talk about his problems. I mean, what he did and what he has gone through I think is frankly terrible, especially if she wants to play the woman card.&lt;br&gt;I have more respect for women by far than Hillary Clinton has. And I will do more for women than Hillary Clinton will. I will do far more including the protection of our country. She caused a lot of the problems that we have right now.
** CBS interview with John Dickerson (taped 1 January 2016) for ''[[wikipedia:Face the Nation|Face the Nation]]'' — as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/trump-hillary-clinton-donald-217294 &quot;Trump: Clinton has ruined the world&quot;] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 January 2016)

* They've created ISIS. Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama; created with Obama. But I love predicting because you know, ultimately, you need somebody with vision.
** At a rally, as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 &quot;TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'&quot;] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016)

* She [Clinton] has a terrible record as secretary of state. I mean, she's literally created ISIS. If you look at her, between her and Obama, they're the ones — we have this big ISIS problem they created with their bad policies and their bad thinking.
** On ''[[wikipedia:Fox &amp; Friends|Fox &amp; Friends]]'', as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 &quot;TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'&quot;] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016)

* Mexico is going to be the new China because what they're doing to us is unbelievable, although they did catch El Chapo. Good? Good? They did catch El Chapo, that's good. I mean I don't know, he better not escape a third time, you know? Those tunnels, bing, boom, right under the toilet, bing boom, right up. It's pretty amazing when you think about it, right? But anyway. I have an idea: Put him on the fourth floor this time, right? No more, no more first floors.
** Speech (9 January 2016), as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/el-chapo-on-donald-trump-mi-amigo/ &quot;El Chapo on Donald Trump: 'Mi Amigo!&quot;], by Rebecca Kaplan, ''CBS News'' (10 January 2016).

* I'm very angry because our country is being run horribly and I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it. We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief. Our country is being run by incompetent people. And yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess.
** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016).

* And just so — if I could, because he insulted a lot of people. I've had more calls on that statement that [[Ted Cruz|Ted]] made — New York is a great place. It's got great people, it's got loving people, wonderful people. When the World Trade Center came down, I saw something that no place on [[Earth]] could have handled more beautifully, more humanely than New York. You had two one hundred, you had two 110-story buildings come crashing down. I saw them come down. Thousands of people killed, and the cleanup started the next day, and it was the most horrific cleanup, probably in the history of doing this, and in construction. I was down there, and I've never seen anything like it. And the people in New York fought and fought and fought, and we saw more death, and even the smell of death — nobody understood it. And it was with us for months, the smell, the air. And we rebuilt downtown Manhattan, and everybody in the world watched and everybody in the world loved New York and loved New Yorkers. And I have to tell you, that was a very insulting statement that Ted made.
** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016).

* The truth is, he's a nasty guy. He was so nice to me. I mean, I knew it. I was watching. I kept saying, 'Come on Ted. Let's go, okay.' But he's a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him. He's a very –- he's got an edge that's not good. You can't make deals with people like that and it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing for the country. Very nasty guy.
** About [[Ted Cruz]] in an interview on ''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/01/17/donald_trump_ted_cruz_is_a_nasty_guy_nobody_likes_him.html] (January 17, 2016)

* [[wikipedia:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]] wrote that out for me -- he actually wrote out 2, he wrote out the number 2 Corinthians, I took exactly what Tony said, and I said, 'Well Tony has to know better than anybody.
* It's a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I've had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two.
** In an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Don Lemon}}, about saying &quot;two Corinthians&quot; instead of &quot;Second Corinthians&quot; during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016)

* Ted Cruz lies.  He's a liar.  And that's why nobody likes him, that's why his Senate people won't endorse him.  That's why he stands on the middle of the Senate floor and can't make a deal with anybody.  He looks like a jerk.  He's standing all by himself.  And you know, there's something to say about having a little bit of ability to get other people to do things.  You can't be a lone wolf and stand there.  That's sort of what we have right now as a president.
** [http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/trump-ted-cruz-lies-he-s-a-liar-608990275597 Morning Joe] (26 January 2016)

* But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out. Believe it or not, this is the least important thing that we are talking about, but politically this might be the most important talk about. 
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

* So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, &quot;who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?&quot; to both of us, and we should both say, &quot;we will work it out.&quot; It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, &quot;we will not pay&quot; and me saying, &quot;we will not pay.&quot;
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

* Up in [[New Hampshire]] – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border. 
** Actually, Clinton took NH; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

=====Speech at {{w|Liberty University}} (18 January 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.c-span.org/video/?403331-1/donald-trump-remarks-liberty-university Presidential Candidate Donald Trump at Liberty University], ''C-SPAN'' (18 January 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* I have read a lot about it and I watched it and [[w:Liberty University|Liberty University]], like a rocket ship, a really great rocket ship.
* I'm in first place. I said when you're in first place, you discuss polls.
* I love Iowa, and I'm going there right after this, going up to New Hampshire, I'm going to Iowa because I want to win Iowa. Everyone says don't say that. Just say you're going to do well. That's the closest, but I can't do that. The safe way is, I think I'll do well. I want to win Iowa. 
* We've done great with the evangelicals. The evangelicals have been amazing. The [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] has been amazing and we're doing really well.
* We're going to protect [[Christianity]], and I can say that. I don't have to be {{w|politically correct}}. We're going to protect it. I hear this is a major theme right here, but [[wikipedia:2 Corinthians 3|two Corinthians, 3]]:17, that's the whole ball game. &quot;''Where the Spirit of the Lord''&quot;, right, &quot;''where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is [[liberty]]''&quot;, and here there is Liberty College, but Liberty University, but it is so true. You know, when you think -- and that's really -- is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like because I loved it, and it's so representative of what's taken place. But we are going to protect Christianity. And if you look what's going on throughout the world, you look at Syria where if you're Christian, they're chopping off heads. You look at the different places, and [[Christianity]], it's under siege.
* I'm a [[Protestantism|protestant]]. I'm very proud of it, [[w:Presbyterian|Presbyterian]] to be exact, but I'm proud of it, very, very proud. And we've got to protect because bad things are happening, very bad things are happening, and we don't -- I don't know what it is. We don't band together, maybe. Other religions, frankly, they're banding together.
* This is a movement. It is a movement going on. We want to take our country back. Our country is disappearing. You look at the kind of deals we make. You look at what's happening, our country is going in the wrong direction, and so wrong, and it's got to be stopped and it's got to be stopped fast.
* And my generals, by the way, they're not going on television, OK? So the enemy can learn all about it. Oh, well, then we attack.
* They have totally destabilized the Middle East. It's a disaster.
* When our sailors were captured last week, I said that's one of the saddest things that I have seen when those young people were on their hands and knees in a begging position with their hands up and thugs behind them with guns, and then we talk like it's OK. It's not OK. It's lack of respect. We can't let that happen to this country. It's lack of respect.
* The [[Persian people|Persians]], very good negotiators. Great negotiators, legendary negotiators. They're known for it. They're sitting across the table.
* I hate to tell this to the woman, they're behind the fact, they're a little behind the fact. They haven't figured out that women may be in certain ways much better than men. But I don't want to say that because I will get myself in trouble with men. But they haven't figured this out yet but that's OK.
* We're a debtor nation. We owe $19 trillion. We're not going to give you any money, and you want to be nice. You don't want to put it in their face. Just say, look, we're a poor nation. We've been mismanaged, we've been misrun. We don't know what the hell we're doing, right? 
* If I'm president, you're going to see 'Merry Christmas' in department stores, believe me.
* We spent 5 trillion dollars in the Middle East and our country is going to hell. We gotta bring it back. We gotta knock the hell out of ISIS.
* I want to see a woman president soon, but not [Hillary Clinton]. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. I mean, just think of the corruption and the scandal... We don't want to go through it. We want to see winning. We want to see win, win, win – constant winning. And you'll say – if I'm president... 'Please, Mr. President, we're winning too much. We can't stand it anymore. Can't we have a loss?' And I'll say no, we're going to keep winning, winning, winning... because we're going to make America great again. And you'll say, 'Okay, Mr. President. Okay.'

=====Speech at {{w|Dordt University}} (23 January 2016)=====

*{{anchor|shoot somebody|reason=linked to from w:en:Template:FBDB}}The people, my people, are so smart, and you know what they say about my people? The polls. They say I have the most loyal people — did you ever see that? Where '''I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters'''. It's like incredible. No, they say, &quot;Trump we love you too.&quot; Trump's voters are by far, ya know, I'm at sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent, I'm at ninety percent, total, like, &quot;Will you say absolutely?&quot; I think it's sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent. &quot;Will you most likely stay?&quot; That gets into the nineties. Other guys like a ten. A guy like [[Jeb Bush]], he has a nobody, but he's like, they don't have people. They have nothing. Rubio, soft. They're all soft. My people stay, by the way, Cruz, soft. When they heard about this thing with that he was bordering Canada, nobody knew them? He lost a lot of people! He's gone down big in the polls. Ted Cruz has gone down big in the polls. That doesn't mean he's giving us a fight in Iowa, that doesn't mean you can stay home, okay, see, you with the smile? It doesn't mean that. You gotta go out cause we can't take any chances.
** [http://time.com/4191598/donald-trump-says-he-could-shoot-somebody-and-not-lose-voters/ Speech at campaign rally] (23 January 2016), Sioux Center, Iowa.

====February 2016====
* To have a crowd like this on our final day, can you believe it, this is the day. This is the day we take our country back. Remember that. This is the day we take our country back. So I got a little notice in case you see it. It's security guys. We have wonderful security guys. They said, &quot;Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience.&quot; So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise. There won't be so much cause the courts agree with us too. What's going on in this country.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/trump-knock-the-crap-out-of-tomato-throwers/2016/02/01/1d1fe1e2-c92b-11e5-b9ab-26591104bb19_video.html At a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.] (1 February 2016)

* This has been going if it's not going to happen anymore, folks. We're going to bring businesses back. We're going to have businesses that used to be in [[New Hampshire]], that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire and you can tell them to go f--- themselves...because they let you down, and they left. We want the businesses that stay. I know a lot of businesses up here and I knew a lot of businesses up here. These are great people, they could've left and they wanna stay. They willing to stay, they're fighting to stay. It's hard. With a highest tax nation in the entire world. It's hard for them to stay and they stay. Those are the people we have to cherish and love. These are the people that are great.
** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/may/18/priorities-usa-action/priorities-usa-donald-trump-women-ad/ At a rally in New Hampshire.] (4 February 2016)

* '''Trump''': No, I didn't use the word. I never said the word, Bill. I don't know who told you -- I would never use the word. I didn't say the word. I said, &quot;you can tell them to go [beat of silence] themselves.&quot;&lt;br&gt;'''O'Reilly''': But the lips kind of moved in the --&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well, they might have. No, I didn't say the word. I wouldn't do that. Even I -- hey Bill, even I wouldn't do that, okay. No, I never said the word.
** On an interview on The O'Reilly Factor (6 February 2016)

* [[Iraq|It]]'s the Harvard of Terrorists.
** [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/watch-as-charlie-rose-forces-trump-to-admit-he-agrees-with-obama-on-syria/ Interview with Charlie Rose] (17 February 2016)

* Torture works, okay folks? [...] Believe me, it works. [...] Waterboarding is your minor form. Some people say it's not actually torture. Let's assume it is. But they asked me the question. What do you think of waterboarding? Absolutely fine. But we should go much stronger than waterboarding. That's the way I feel.
** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-torture-works/ Donald Trump: &quot;Torture works&quot;]. CBS News (17 February 2016). Bluffton, South Carolina. 

* They were having [[terrorism]] problems, just like we do, and he caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage and killed many people. And he took the 50 terrorists, and he took 50 men and he dipped 50 bullets in pigs' blood — you heard that, right? He took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pigs' blood. And he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said: You go back to your people, and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years, there wasn't a problem. Okay? Twenty-five years, there wasn't a problem.
** During a campaign stop in {{w|Pawley's Island, South Carolina}} (February 19, 2016) [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/450574/donald-trump-tweet-fake-history-libel-war-crime]. Referring to a false story about [[John J. Pershing]] which has circulated on the Internet.

* Bye bye. Look, see? He's smiling. See, he's having a good time. Oh, I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy, totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed to punch back anymore. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks.  You know, I love our police, and I really respect our police, and they're not getting enough. They're not. Honestly, I hate to see that. Here's a guy, throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming at everything else when we're talking, and he's walking out, and we're not allowed -- you know, the guards are very gentle with him, he's walking out, like, big high fives, smiling, laughing -- I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
** [http://www.weeklystandard.com/protester-would-be-carried-out-on-a-stretcher-in-the-old-days-trump-reminisces/article/2001211 At a rally in Las Vegas] (22 February 2016)

* We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. '''I love the poorly educated.'''
** [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-declares-i-love-the-poorly-educated-as-he-storms-to-victory-in-nevada-caucus-a6893106.html Donald Trump declares 'I love the poorly educated' as he storms to victory in Nevada caucus], 24 February 2016

* '''Ted Cruz''': Donald, relax.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I'm relaxed. You're the basket case. Go ahead, don't get nervous.
** [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-carlson-6454d89c-dc90-11e5-8210-f0bd8de915f6-20160226-story.html CNN-Telemundo Republican debate] (25 February 2016)

====March 2016====
* '''Donald Trump''': I think you've become very negative.&lt;br&gt;'''Bill O'Reilly''': Why would I do that?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Who knows. You'll have to ask your psychiatrist.
** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/donald-trump-bill-oreilly-gop-debate-220241 &quot;Trump to O'Reilly: 'I think you've become very negative'&quot;] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 March 2016)

* Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee.
** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-03-04|author=Gregory Krieg|title=Donald Trump defends size of his penis|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/03/03/politics/donald-trump-small-hands-marco-rubio/index.html}}

* '''Anderson Cooper''': Is Islam at war with the West?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I think Islam hates us. There is something there, there is a tremendous hatred there, and we have to get to the bottom of it. There is an unbelievable hatred of us.&lt;br&gt;'''Cooper''': In Islam itself?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': You're going to have to figure that out, but there is a tremendous hatred and we have to be very vigilant, we have to be very careful and we can't allow people coming into this country who have this hatred of the United States and of people that are not Muslim.&lt;br&gt;'''Cooper''': The question is is there a war between the West and radical Islam or is it between the West and Islam itself?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well it's radical but it's very hard to define, it's very hard to separate because you don't know who's who.
** 9 March CNN interview, as quoted in [http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/us-election-2016-donald-trump-tells-cnn-tv-interviewer-islam-hates-us-1548760 &quot;US Election 2016: Donald Trump tells CNN TV interviewer 'Islam hates us'&quot;] by Harriet Sinclair, ''International Business Times'' (10 March 2016)

* Come on, get 'em out, police, please. Let's go! ... Nobody wants to hurt each other anymore.
** During a St Louis, Mo., rally, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/get-him-out-racial-tensions-explode-at-donald-trumps-rallies/2016/03/11/b9764884-e6ee-11e5-bc08-3e03a5b41910_story.html &quot;‘Get 'em out!' Racial tensions explode at Donald Trump's rallies&quot;], by Jose A. DelReal, ''The Washington Post'' (12 March 2016), Washington, D.C.

* I promise you, I will not be taking very long vacations, if I take them at all.  There's no time for vacations.  We're not going to be big on vacations.  
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] March 14, 2016 rally

*Iran has already, since the deal is in place, test-fired ballistic missiles three times. Those ballistic missiles, with a range of 1,250 miles, were designed to intimidate not only Israel, which is only 600 miles away, but also intended to frighten Europe and someday maybe hit even the United States. And we're not going to let that happen. We're not letting it happen. And we're not letting it happen to Israel, believe me.&lt;br&gt;Thank you. Thank you.&lt;br&gt;Do you want to hear something really shocking? As many of the great people in this room know, painted on those missiles in both Hebrew and Farsi were the words &quot;'''Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth'''.&quot; You can forget that.&lt;br&gt;What kind of demented minds write that in Hebrew?
**[http://time.com/4267058/donald-trump-aipac-speech-transcript/ 21 March 2016] address to AIPAC (America-Israel Public Affairs Committee)

* '''Obama''': But you would rule in the possibility to fight against ISIS.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well, I'm never gonna rule anything out. And I wouldn't wanna say. Even if I felt -- it wasn't going -- I wouldn't wanna tell you that because, at a minimum, I want them to think maybe that we would use it.
** As part of a conversation with Barack Obama about ruling out the use of nuclear weapons (March 23, 2016) reported [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-open-to-nuclear-retaliation-after-brussels-attack/ 24 March 2016 by CBS]

* If Saudi Arabia was without the cloak of American protection, I don't think it would be around.
** Interview on foreign policy given on 25 March 2016, published: [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/27/us/politics/donald-trump-foreign-policy.html ''In Donald Trump's Worldview, America Comes First, and Everybody Else Pays''], ''The New York Times'' (26 March 2016)

* I was angry because they sued.
** explaining why he withdrew the medical benefits to his nephew's infant son who had cerebral palsy, after his nephew claimed that the exclusion from {{W|Fred Trump}}'s will was a result of Donald Trump and his siblings unduly influencing the older man
** as quoted in [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/09/donald-trumps-cruel-streak/501554/ Donald Trump's Cruel Streak], by Conor Friedersdorf, in ''{{W|The Atlantic}}''; published September 26, 2016; retrieved October 24, 2016

* Talking about success, most people think success is measured in the form of monetary success. It's not really. I mean to be a successful person is to have a great family, is who loves the family, loves the children and the children love him or her. To me that's a much more successful person than a person that has made a billion dollars or ten billion dollars, and is miserable and doesn't have a good family and nobody likes that person. I think I've seen every type of person there is that God created.
**&lt;small&gt;''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xuAO0zKRAk Donald Trump talks about Success and Happiness - Motivational speech held in Wisconsin on March 30, 2016]'', Mike Mohamed on YouTube. (2:37 to 3:05)&lt;/small&gt;

====April 2016====
* I can be presidential, but if I was presidential I would only have - about 20% of you would be here because it would be boring as hell.
** At a rally in Superior, Wisconsin (4 April 2016)

* I love working.  I'm not a vacation guy.  Right?  Like Obama, he plays golf in Hawaii.  He flies in a 747. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 21, 2016 rally

* If you love what you do, you're happy.  You don't take vacations.  
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 22, 2016 rally

=====Foreign Policy Speech (27 April 2016)=====
[[File:Maga.png|thumb|No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/28/us/politics/transcript-trump-foreign-policy.html Transcript: Donald Trump's Foreign Policy Speech], ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (27 April 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* It's time to shake the rust off [[Foreign policy of the United States|America's foreign policy]].

* My foreign policy will always put the interests of the American people and American security above all else... That will be the foundation of every single decision that I will make. [[America First (policy)|America First]] will be the major and overriding theme of my administration.

* Our foreign policy is a complete and total disaster. No vision. No purpose. No direction. No strategy.

* [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] has weakened [[United States Armed Forces|our military]] by weakening our economy. He's crippled us with wasteful spending, massive [[National debt|debt]], low growth, a huge trade deficit and open borders.

* Our allies are not paying their fair share... The countries we are defending must pay for the cost of this defense, and if not, the U.S. must be prepared to let these countries defend themselves. We have no choice.

* Israel, our great friend and the one true democracy in the Middle East has been snubbed and criticized by an administration that lacks moral clarity... President Obama has not been a friend to Israel. He has treated Iran with tender love and care and made it a great power.

* We've let our rivals and challengers think they can get away with anything, and they do... If President Obama's goal had been to weaken America, he could not have done a better job.

* We've made the Middle East more unstable and chaotic than ever before. We left Christians subject to intense persecution and even [[genocide]]. We have done nothing to help the Christians, nothing, and we should always be ashamed for that lack of action.

* Hillary Clinton refuses to say the words radical Islam, even as she pushes for a massive increase in refugees coming into our country. After Secretary Clinton's failed intervention in Libya, [[wikipedia:2012 Benghazi attack|Islamic terrorists in Benghazi]] took down our consulate and killed our ambassador and three brave Americans. Then, instead of taking charge that night, Hillary Clinton decided to go home and sleep. Incredible. Clinton blames it all on a video, an excuse that was a total lie, proven to be absolutely a total lie. Our ambassador was murdered and our secretary of state misled the nation.

* We're also going to have to change our trade, immigration and economic policies to make our economy strong again. And to put Americans first again. This will ensure that our own workers, right here in America, get the jobs and higher pay that will grow our tax revenues, increase our economic might as a nation.

* I believe an easing of tensions, and improved relations with Russia from a position of strength only is possible.

* Americans must know that we're putting the American people first again on trade, on immigration, on foreign policy. The jobs, incomes and security of the [[Working class in the United States|American worker]] will always be my first priority. No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first. Both our friends and our enemies put their countries above ours and we, while being fair to them, must start doing the same. We will no longer surrender this country or its people to the false song of [[globalism]]. The nation-state remains the true foundation for happiness and harmony. I am skeptical of international unions that tie us up and bring America down, and will never enter America into any agreement that reduces our ability to control our own affairs.

====May 2016====
* We have a 500 billion dollar deficit, trade deficit with China. We're going to turn it around and we have the cards, don't forget, we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. We have the cards, we have a lot of power with China. When China doesn't want to fix the problem in North Korea we say &quot;Sorry folks, you've got to fix the problem.&quot; '''Because we can't continue to allow China to rape [[United States|our country]], and that's what they're doing. It's the greatest theft in the history of the world.'''
**[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-36185275/china-accused-of-trade-rape-by-donald-trump &quot;China accused of trade 'rape' by Donald Trump&quot;] ''BBC'' (2 May 2016)

* You've been hearing me say it's a rigged system, but now I don't say it anymore because I won. It's true. Now I don't care.
** [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-gop-rigged-but-i-dont-care-because-i-won/article/2590545 &quot;Trump: GOP 'rigged,' but I don't care because I won&quot;] by Ryan Lovelace, ''Washington Examiner'' (5 May 2016)

====June 2016====
* It's going to be like this. I'm not changing.
** Answer to the question whether the American public could expect a similar dynamic if he would win the presidential elections, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-01 |title=Donald Trump: Questions on money for war veterans |author=Alan Fisher |periodical=Al Jazeera |url=http://www.aljazeera.com/blogs/americas/2016/05/donald-trump-fumes-veterans-money-questions-160531203455389.html}}

* '''He's a [[Mexicans|Mexican]]'''. We're building a wall between here and Mexico.
** About American judge Gonzalo Curiel (3 June 2016), as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-04 |title=Trump Presses Case That 'Mexican' Judge Curiel Is Biased Against Him |author=Nina Totenberg |periodical=National Public Radio |url=http://www.npr.org/2016/06/04/480714972/trump-presses-case-that-mexican-judge-curiel-is-biased-against-him}}

* I'm truly honored by your support. Together, we accomplished what nobody thought was absolutely possible and you know what that is and we're only getting started and it's going to be beautiful, remember that. Tonight we close one chapter in history and we begin another. Our campaign received more primary votes than any GOP campaign in history, no matter who it is, no matter who they are, we received more votes. This is a great feeling. That's a great feeling. This is not a testament to me but a testament to all of the people who believed real change, not Obama change, but real change is possible. You've given me the honor to lead the Republican Party to victory this fall.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* To those who voted for someone else in either party, I will work hard to earn your support and I will work very hard to earn that support. To all of those [[Bernie Sanders]] voters who have been left out in the cold by a rigged system of super delegates, we welcome you with open arms. And by the way, the terrible trade deals that Bernie was so vehemently against and he's right on that will be taken care of far better than anyone ever thought possible and that's what I do. We are going to have fantastic trade deals. We're going to start making money and bringing in jobs.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* My goal is always again to bring people together. But if I'm forced to fight for something I really care about, I will never, ever back down and our country will never, ever back down. Thank you. I've fought for my family. I've fought for my business. I've fought for my employees. And now, I'm going to fight for you, the American people like nobody has ever fought before.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* We're led by [[Barack Obama|a man]] that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind. And the something else in mind, you know, people can't believe it, people cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism. There's something going on — it's inconceivable. There's something going on. He doesn't get it, or he gets it better than anybody understands. It's one or the other, and either one is unacceptable.
** Phone interview on ''Fox and Friends'', as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-13 |title=Trump on Obama and Islam: 'There's something going on' |author=Jesse Byrnes |periodical=The Hill |url=http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/283246-trump-on-obama-and-islam-theres-something-going-on}}

* Look, companies now are leaving the United States. Corporate inversion, they're leaving the United States, we have almost $5 trillion sitting out there, where they can't get the money back, they can't bring it in because there's no mechanism to bring it back in and the tax is so high. I'm going to bring tremendous amounts of money, tremendous amounts of jobs, tremendous numbers of companies, and yes the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#Taxes,_spending,_and_budget|tax is going to be cut]] from the highest tax nation anywhere in the world to a fairly low tax. Not the lowest in the world, but to a fairly low tax.
* &lt;p&gt;'''Norah O'Donnell:''' Hillary Clinton called you the king of debt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' Well, no she didn't call me, I called myself the king of debt. '''I'm the king of debt.''' I'm great with debt, nobody knows debt better than me. I made a fortune by using debt. And if things don't work out I renegotiate the debt, I mean that's a smart thing not a stupid thing. And I made a fortune.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''O'Donnell:''' How do you renegotiate the debt?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Trump:''' Because you go back and you say, hey, guess what, the economy just crashed, I'm going to give you back half. I like debt for me, I don't like debt for the country. I like debt for my company, but I don't like debt for the country. For the country we have $19 trillion in debt, it's going to be very soon $21 trillion, not billion, $21 trillion in debt. And I will tell you we are sitting on a time bomb and Hillary Clinton doesn't have a clue. And President Obama has pretty much doubled the debt since he's been in office and somebody's going to pay a big price. We have to start chopping that debt down.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''O'Donnell:''' [[Janet Yellen]], who you know, the chairman of the [[Federal Reserve System|Federal Reserve]] blasted you for saying that the U.S. could load up on debt and then make a deal with creditors if the [[Economy of the United States|economy]] has soured. She said there would be very severe consequences if an elected president tried to renegotiate the nation's debt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Trump:''' I wouldn't renegotiate the debt.&lt;/p&gt;
** In an interview with ''{{w|CBS This Morning'}}'' {{w|Norah O'Donnell}}, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=CBS' Norah O'Donnell Challenges Trump On His Economic Plan |periodical=Media Matters for America |url=https://www.mediamatters.org/donald-trump/cbs-norah-odonnell-challenges-trump-his-economic-plan}}

* Our enemies probably know every single one [of Clinton's deleted emails]. So they probably now have a blackmail file. . . . We can't hand over our government to someone whose deepest, darkest secrets may be in the hands of our enemies. Can't do it.&quot;
** speech, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=Nobody brings the crazy quite like Trump |author=Dana Milbank |periodical=Washington Post |url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/nobody-brings-the-crazy-quite-like-trump/2016/06/22/74ba5692-38bd-11e6-9ccd-d6005beac8b3_story.html}}

=====Speech about the Orlando Shooting (June 13, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Speech after the [[wikipedia:2016 Orlando nightclub shooting|2016 Orlando nightclub shooting]] ([http://time.com/4367120/orlando-shooting-donald-trump-transcript/ transcript])&lt;/small&gt; 

* So many people — it's just hard to believe, but just so many people dead, so many people gravely injured, so much carnage, such a disgrace. The horror is beyond description. The families of these wonderful people are totally devastated, and they will be forever. Likewise, our whole nation and indeed the whole world is devastated.

* Our nation stands together in solidarity with the members of Orlando's LGBT community. They have been through something that nobody could ever experience. This is a very dark moment in [[History of the United States|America's history]]. A radical Islamic terrorist targeted the [[wikipedia:Pulse (nightclub)|nightclub]], not only because he wanted to kill Americans, but in order to execute [[LGBT in the United States|gay and lesbian citizens]], because of their [[sexual orientation]].

* It's a strike at the heart and soul of who we are as a nation. It's an assault on the ability of free people to live their lives, love who they want, and express their identity. It's an attack on the right of every single American to live in peace and safety in their own country.

* We're not acting clearly, we're not talking clearly, we've got problems.

* We have a dysfunctional immigration system, which does not permit us to know who we let into our country, and it does not permit us to protect our citizens properly. We have an incompetent administration.

* The [[wikipedia:List of United States immigration laws|immigration laws of the United States]] give the president powers to suspend entry into the country of any class of persons. Now, any class — it really is determined and to be determined by the president for the interests of the United States. And it's as he or she deems appropriate. Hopefully it's he in this case.

* When I'm elected I will suspend immigration from areas of the world where there's a proven history of terrorism against the United States, Europe or our allies until we fully understand how to end these threats. ... After a full and partial and long — really long overdue security assessment we will develop a responsible immigration policy that serves the interests and values of America.

* We cannot continue to allow thousands upon thousands of people to pour into our country many of whom have the same thought process as this savage killer. Many of the principles of radical Islam are incompatible with Western values and institutions. Remember this, radical Islam is [[Misogyny|anti-woman]], [[Homophobia|anti-gay]] and [[Anti-Americanism|anti- American]]. I refuse to allow America to become a place where gay people, Christian people, Jewish people are targets of persecution and intimation by radical Islamic preachers of hate and violence. This is not just a [[national security]] issue. It's a quality of life issue. If we want to protect the quality of life for all Americans — women and children, gay and straight, Jews and Christians and all people then we need to tell the truth about radical Islam and we need to do it now. We need to tell the truth also about how radical Islam is coming to our shores. And it's coming.

* We're importing radical [[Islamic terrorism]] into the West through a failed immigration system and through an intelligence community held back by our president.

* They share these oppressive views and values. We want to remain a free and open society. Then, and if we do, then we have to control our borders. We have to control, and we have to control them now, not later. Right now.

* Hillary Clinton, for months, and despite so many attacks, repeatedly refused to even say the words radical Islam until I challenged her yesterday. And, guess what, she will probably say them. She sort of has said them, but let's see what happens. She really has no choice, but she doesn't want to. However, she's really been forced, and she has been forced to say these words. She supports, and the reason is, she supports so much of what is wrong, and what is wrong with this country, and what's going wrong with our country and our borders. She has no clue, in my opinion, what radical Islam is and she won't speak honestly about it if she does, in fact, know. She's in total denial, and her continuing reluctance to ever name the enemy broadcasts weakness across the entire world — true weakness.

* She says the solution is to [[Firearms regulation|ban guns]]. They tried that in [[France]] which has among the toughest gun laws anywhere in the world, and 130 people were brutally murdered by Islamic terrorists in cold blood. Her plan is to disarm law abiding Americans, abolishing the Second Amendment, and leaving only the bad guys and terrorists with guns. No good. Not going to happen, folks. ... She wants to take away American's guns and then admit the very people who want to slaughter us. Let them come into the country, we don't have guns. Let them come in, let them have all the fun they want.

* [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Immigration_policy|Hillary Clinton's catastrophic immigration plan]] will bring vastly more radical Islamic immigration into this country, threatening not only our society but our entire way of life. When it comes to radical Islamic terrorism, ignorance is not bliss. It's deadly — totally deadly. ... Clinton's State Department was in charge of admissions and the admissions process for people applying to enter from overseas. Having learned nothing from these attacks, she now plans to massively increase admissions without a screening plan including a 500 percent increase in Syrian refugees coming into our country. Tell me, tell me – how stupid is that? This could be a better, bigger, more horrible version than the legendary [[Trojan Horse]] ever was. Altogether, under the Clinton plan, you'd be admitting hundreds of thousands of refugees from the Middle East with no system to vet them, or to prevent the radicalization of the children and their children. Not only their children, by the way, they're trying to take over our children and convince them how wonderful ISIS is and how wonderful Islam is and we don't know what's happening. The burden is on Hillary Clinton to tell us why she believes immigration from these dangerous countries should be increased without any effective system to really to screen. We're not screening people.

* We have, just, no [[wikipedia:Intelligence gathering network|intelligence gathering information]]. We need this information so badly. ... We need an intelligence gathering system second to none. Second to none. That includes better cooperation between state, local and federal officials, and with our allies, very importantly. I will have an Attorney General, a Director of National Intelligence and a Secretary of Defense who'll know how to fight a war on radical Islamic terrorism.

* They have put political correctness above common sense, above your safety, and above all else. I refuse to be politically correct.

* The days of deadly ignorance will end, and they will end soon.

* The media talks about home grown terrorism but Islamic radicalism and that's a very, very important term — a term that the president refuses to use and the networks that nurture it are imports from overseas whether you like it or whether you don't like it. Yes, there are many radicalized people already inside our country as a result of poor policies of the past.

* Hillary Clinton can never claim to be a friend of the gay community as long as she continues to support immigration policies that bring [[Islamic extremists]] to our country and who suppress women, gays and anyone who doesn't share their views or values.

* Clinton wants to allow radical Islamic terrorists to pour into our country. They enslave women, and they murder gays. I don't want them in our country.

* Immigration is a privilege, and we should not let anyone into this country who doesn't support our communities. All of our communities, every single one of them.

* I want every American to succeed including [[wikipedia:Islam in the United States|Muslims]]. But the Muslims have to work with us. They have to work with us. They know what's going on. They know that he was bad. They knew the people in San Bernardino were bad. But you know what? They didn't turn them in. And you know what? [[wikipedia:2015 San Bernardino attack|We had death, and destruction]].

* Hillary Clinton wants to empty out the {{w|Treasury}} to bring people into the country that include individuals who preach hate against our citizens. I want to protect our citizens, all of our citizens.

* America must do more — much more — to protect its citizens, especially people who are potential victims of crimes based on their backgrounds or sexual orientation, as you just saw in Orlando.

* The decision to overthrow the regime in Libya, then pushing for the overthrow of the regime in Syria, among other things, without plans for the day after, have created space for ISIS to expand and grow like nobody has ever seen before. These actions, along with our disastrous Iran deal, have also reduced our ability to work in partnership with our Muslim allies in the region. That is why our new goal must be to defeat Islamic terrorism not nation building. No more nation building. It's never going to work.

* The last major [[NATO]] mission was Hillary Clinton's war in Libya. That mission helped to unleash ISIS on a new continent.

* America must unite the whole civilized world in the fight against Islamic terrorism. Pretty much [[wikipedia:Anti-communism#United_States|like we did with communism]] during the [[Cold War]]. We tried it President Obama's way, doesn't work. He gave the world his apology tour. We got ISIS and many other problems in return. That's what we got. Remember the famous apology tour. We're sorry for everything.

====July 2016====
* [[Saddam Hussein]] was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights—they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over. [...] Today, Iraq is Harvard for terrorism. You want to be a terrorist, you go to Iraq. It's like Harvard. Okay? So sad.
** At a campaign rally in Raleigh, North Carolina (July 5, 2016), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/05/donald-trump-praises-saddam-hussein-for-killing-terrorists-so-good/ &quot;Donald Trump praises Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists ‘so good’&quot;] ''The Washington Post'' (July 5, 2016).
** [[w:Jake Sullivan|Jake Sullivan]], then a policy advisor to Hillary Clinton, stated: &quot;Hussein's regime was a sponsor of terrorism — one that paid families of suicide bombers who attacked Israelis, among other crimes.&quot;

* I'll stand up for Article Two, Article 12, you name it of the Constitution.
** About the U.S. Constitution, which only has seven articles and 27 amendments; as recounted by [[Mark Sanford]], quoted in [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/trump-changes-few-minds-with-meeting-on-the-hill &quot;Trump Manages To Give Some House GOPers More Heartburn In Hill Meeting&quot;] (2016), ''Talking Points Memo'' (July 7, 2016).

* ''[Interviewer: You're not known to be a humble man. But I wonder—]'' I think I am actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R42mFx3_ss During an interview] by {{WP|Lesley Stahl}} on ''{{WP|60 Minutes}}'' (17 July 2016)

* Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and [[Scientists|scientist]] and [[Engineering|engineer]], Dr. John Trump at [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the [[w:Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania|Wharton School of Finance]], very good, very smart—you know, if you're a [[Conservatism|conservative]] Republican, if I were a [[Liberalism|liberal]], if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it's true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that's why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we're a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are—nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35&amp;nbsp;years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who would have thought?—but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150&amp;nbsp;years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.
** Speech in South Carolina (19 July 2016)

* Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.
** Press conference, reported in Ashley Parker and David E. Sanger, &quot;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/28/us/politics/donald-trump-russia-clinton-emails.html? Donald Trump Calls on Russia to Find Hillary Clinton's Missing Emails], ''The New York Times'' (July 27, 2016).

* Though [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] is exhausted and has given up on his [[revolution]], many of his voters still want to keep up the fight. I expect that millions of Bernie voters will refuse to vote for Hillary because of her support for the War in Iraq, the [[2011 Libyan civil war|invasion of Libya]], [[wikipedia:North American Free Trade Agreement|NAFTA]] and [[w:Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]], and of course because she is totally bought and sold by [[Special-interest group|special interests]]. She and [[Bill Clinton|her husband]] have been paid millions and millions by [[Multinational corporation|global corporations]] and powerful interests who will control her every decision. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. We welcome with open arms all voters who want an honest [[Federal government of the United States|government]] and to fix [[Politics of the United States|our rigged system]] so it works for the people. This includes fixing one of Bernie's biggest issues, our terrible trade deals that strip our country of its jobs and wealth.
** ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/donald-trump-reddit-ama-ask-me-anything/493361/ How Donald Trump Beat Reddit]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (July 28, 2016)

* The things that were said about me. … You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened.
** Press conference, reported in Jacob Bogage, &quot;[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/07/29/i-wanted-to-hit-a-couple-of-those-speakers-so-hard-trump-says-of-dem-convention-critics/ ‘I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard', Trump says of Democratic convention]&quot;, ''The Washington Post'' (July 29, 2016).

* A guy who didn't have the guts to run for president. Little Michael. He doesn't know anything about me. But he never had the guts to run. He probably wished he did but he didn't. He spent millions of dollars on polling but he was missing one thing: guts. Little Michael.
** On [[Michael Bloomberg]]'s speech about Trump. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it's good or bad, the press will say it's fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It's hard to define. There's something about him I do like. I'm embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It's very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He's got some quality going.
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Emails in general are terrible. There's no security. It happens so often. I'm old-fashioned. I put a letter in an envelope and have it hand delivered. My son is 10 years old, and he has grown up [[Computers|computer]] literate. They start using computers before they can walk. His computer was locked and he unlocked it. And I said, ‘[[w:Barron Trump|Barron]], how did you do that?' And he said, ‘I won't tell you, Dad.
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Putin said I was a genius. I do say this: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we actually could get along with Russia and China and some other countries that we don't get along with, and then we go out and knock the hell out of ISIS? Wouldn't it be nice if we cleaned that mess up? Wouldn't it be smart?
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* I think he's a pervert. It's dangerous to allow him on the convention floor.
** About [[Anthony Weiner]] on the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Captain [[wikipedia:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun Khan]] was a hero to our country and we should honor all who have made the ultimate sacrifice to keep our country safe. The real problem here are the radical Islamic terrorists who killed him, and the efforts of these radicals to enter our country to do us further harm. Given the state of the world today, we have to know everything about those looking to enter our country, and given the state of chaos in some of these countries, that is impossible. While I feel deeply for the loss of his son, Mr. Khan who has never met me, has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution, (which is false) and say many other inaccurate things. If I become President, I will make America safe again.
* Hillary Clinton should be held accountable for her central role in destabilizing the Middle East. She voted to send the United States to war against Iraq, helped lead the disastrous withdrawal of American troops years later that created the vacuum allowing the rise of ISIS, and has never met a [[wikipedia:United States involvement in regime change|regime change]] she didn't like (which have all been disasters) – not to mention her invasion of Libya and her abandonment of American personnel in Benghazi. The loss of these lives in Libya is directly traceable to Clinton, but their families' testimonials were rejected by the media.
* Clinton's actions have been reckless and have directly led to the loss of American lives. And her extreme immigration policies, as also laid out by American victims in Cleveland, will cause the preventable deaths of countless more -- while putting all residents, from all places, at greater risk of terrorism. As Bernie Sanders said on numerous occasions, Hillary Clinton suffers from &quot;bad judgement.&quot; She is not qualified to serve as Commander in Chief.
** Written statement responding to [[Khizr M. Khan]] [http://web.archive.org/web/20160731082150/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/setting-the-record-straight] (July 30, 2016)

====={{w|2016 Republican National Convention}} (21 July 2016)=====
[[File:Donald Trump 2016 RNC speech (1).jpg|thumb|I have joined the [[political]] arena so that the [[powerful]] can no longer beat up on [[people]] that cannot defend themselves. &lt;br /&gt; Nobody knows the [[system]] better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.vox.com/2016/7/21/12253426/donald-trump-acceptance-speech-transcript-republican-nomination-transcript &quot;Full transcript of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at the RNC&quot;, ''Vox'' (22 July 2016)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0pZ_GrTy8 &quot;Donald Trump's entire Republican convention speech&quot;, ''CNN'' (21 July 2016)] · [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/full-transcript-donald-trump-nomination-acceptance-speech-at-rnc-225974 Donald Trump 2016 RNC draft speech transcript], ''{{w|Politico}}'' (21 July 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* The attacks on our [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]], and the terrorism in our cities, threaten our very way of life. Any politician who does not grasp this danger is not fit to lead our country.

* Americans watching this address tonight have seen the recent images of violence in our streets and the chaos in our communities. Many have witnessed this violence personally. Some have even been its victims. &lt;br /&gt; I have a message for all of you: The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon — and I mean very soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20th 2017, safety will be restored. &lt;br /&gt; The most basic duty of government is to defend the lives of its citizens. Any government that fails to do so is a government unworthy to lead.

* It is finally time for a straightforward assessment of the state of our nation. I will present the facts plainly and honestly. We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore. &lt;br /&gt; So if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully-crafted lies, and the media myths — the Democrats are holding their convention next week. Go there. &lt;br /&gt; But here, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else. 

* Decades of progress made in bringing down crime are now being reversed by this Administration's rollback of criminal enforcement.
* America is far less safe – and the world is far less stable – than when Obama made the decision to put Hillary Clinton in charge of America's foreign policy. I am certain it is a decision he truly regrets. Her bad instincts and her bad judgment – something pointed out by Bernie Sanders – are what caused the disasters unfolding today.
* This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction and weakness.
* The problems we face now – [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and violence at home, war and destruction abroad – will last only as long as we continue relying on the same politicians who created them. A change in leadership is required to change these outcomes.
* There can be no prosperity without [[wikipedia:Law and order (politics)|law and order]]
* Our plan will put America First. [[wikipedia:Americanism (ideology)|Americanism]], not globalism, will be our credo. As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect.
* Big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent because they know she will keep our rigged system in place. They are throwing money at her because they have total control over everything she does. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. That is why Hillary Clinton's message is that things will never change. My message is that things have to change – and they have to change right now.
* Every day I wake up determined to deliver for the people I have met all across this nation that have been neglected, ignored, and abandoned. I have visited the laid-off factory workers, and the communities crushed by our horrible and unfair trade deals. These are the forgotten men and women of our country, and they are forgotten, but they're not going to be forgotten long. These are people who work hard but no longer have a voice. I AM YOUR VOICE.
* I have no patience for injustice, no tolerance for government incompetence, no sympathy for leaders who fail their citizens.
* When innocent people suffer, because our political system lacks the will, or the courage, or the basic decency to enforce our [[Law|laws]] – or worse still, has sold out to some corporate lobbyist for cash – I am not able to look the other way.
* When a [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] illegally stores her emails on a private server, deletes 33,000 of them so the authorities can't see her crime, puts our country at risk, lies about it in every different form and faces no consequence – I know that corruption has reached a level like never before.
* I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people that cannot defend themselves. '''Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it'''. &lt;br /&gt; I have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against Bernie Sanders – he never had a chance.
* [[Mike Pence|He]] (Mike Pence) is a man of character and accomplishment. He is the right man for the job.
* An attack on law enforcement is an attack on all Americans. I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: when I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order our country.
* In this race for the White House, I am the Law And Order candidate. ... I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally, and protected equally.
** &quot;I am the law-and-order candidate&quot; was a phrase used by [[Richard Nixon]] during his [[w:Richard Nixon 1968 presidential campaign|1968 presidential campaign]].
* Once again, [[France]] is the [[wikipedia:2016 Nice attack|victim of brutal Islamic terrorism]]. Men, women and children viciously mowed down. Lives ruined. Families ripped apart. A nation in mourning.
* I will do everything in my power to protect our [[LGBT]] citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology.
* We must work with all of our allies who share our goal of destroying ISIS and stamping out Islamic terror. This includes working with our greatest ally in the region, the State of Israel.
* We must immediately suspend immigration from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism until such time as proven vetting mechanisms have been put in place.
* I only want to admit individuals into our country who will support our values and love our people. Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be.
* Decades of record immigration have produced lower wages and higher unemployment for our citizens, especially for African-American and Latino workers. We are going to have an immigration system that works, but one that works for the American people.
* Of all my travels in this country, nothing has affected me more deeply than the time I have spent with the mothers and fathers who have lost their children to violence spilling across our border.
* We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration, to stop the gangs and the violence, and to stop the drugs from pouring into our communities.
* Peace will be restored.
* We are going to be considerate and compassionate to everyone. But my greatest compassion will be for our own struggling citizens.
* Americans want relief from uncontrolled immigration. Communities want relief.
* I'm going to make our country rich again. I am going to turn our bad trade agreements into great ones.
* I pledge to never sign any trade agreement that hurts our workers, or that diminishes our freedom and independence. Instead, I will make individual deals with individual countries.
* No longer will we enter into these massive deals, with many countries, that are thousands of pages long – and which no one from our country even reads or understands. We are going to enforce all trade violations, including through the use of taxes and tariffs, against any country that cheats.
* We'll walk away if we don't get the deal that we want.
* Reducing taxes will cause new companies and new jobs to come roaring back into our country.
* My Dad, {{w|Fred Trump}}, was the smartest and hardest working man I ever knew.
* I have loved my life in business.
* We must break free from the petty politics of the past.
* America is a nation of believers, dreamers, and strivers that is being led by a group of censors, critics, and cynics.
* All of the people telling you that you can't have the country you want, are the same people telling you that I wouldn't be standing here tonight. No longer can we rely on those elites in media, and politics, who will say anything to keep a rigged system in place.
* We must choose to Believe In America. History is watching us now.
* My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three word loyalty pledge. It reads, &quot;I'm with her.&quot; I choose to recite a different pledge. My pledge reads, &quot;I'm with you – the American people.&quot; I am your voice. So to every parent who dreams for their child, and every child who dreams for a better future, I say these words to you tonight: I'm with you, and I will fight for you, and I will win for you. To all Americans tonight, in all of our cities and towns, I make this promise: We will make America proud again, we will make America strong again, we will make America safe again, and we will Make America Great Again! God bless you and good night! I love you!

=====''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' Interview (July 30, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Interview on {{w|ABC News}}' ''{{w|This Week}}'' with [[George Stephanopoulos]]. [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/week-transcript-donald-trump-vice-president-joe-biden/story?id=41020870 Transcript] (31 July 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* She's (Hillary Clinton) a very dishonest person. I have one of the great temperaments. I have a winning temperament. She has a bad temperament. She's weak. We need a strong temperament and that's all it is, I have a strong temperament. ... I think I have a great temperament. I beat 16 very talented people in -- and I've never done this before. You don't do that with a bad temperament. ... I'm leading her in the polls, as you probably have noticed. And I think I have a great temperament. I have a temperament where I know how to win. She doesn't know how to win. She's not a winner. She doesn't know how to win. Honestly, she lies a lot and she really -- she should tell the truth. I honestly believe if she told the truth -- because she made some reference to my campaigning, I've had a beautiful -- I've had a -- had a flawless campaign. You'll be writing books about this campaign. And yet she's criticizing my campaign.
* If you look at what's going on in terms of unity, the Bernie people are angry. They're angry. He was angry. What was amazing to me is when she was talking about Bernie last night, the camera was on him and he was angry. It almost looks like he has buyer's remorse, like he shouldn't have made the deal.
* I have no relationship with Putin. I don't think I've ever met him. I never met him. I don't think I've ever met him. ... I have never spoken to him on the phone, no. I've speak -- I've spoken -- when we had the [[wikipedia:Miss Russia|Miss Universe]] contest a number of years ago, we had Miss Universe in Moscow, in the Moscow area, he was invited. He wanted to come. He wasn't able to come. That would have been a time when I would have met him. ... I don't know what it means by having a relationship. I mean he was saying very good things about me, but I don't have a relationship with him. I didn't meet him. I haven't spent time with him. I didn't have dinner with him. I didn't go hiking with him. I don't know -- and I wouldn't know him from Adam except I see his picture and I would know what he looks like.
* If our country got along with Russia, that would be a great thing. When Putin goes out and tells everybody -- and you talk about a relationship, but he says Donald Trump is going to win and Donald Trump is a genius, and then I have people saying you should disavow. I said, I'm going to disavow that? ... If we can have a good relationship with Russia and if Russia would help us get rid of ISIS, frankly, as far as I'm concerned, you're talking about tremendous amounts of money and lives and everything else, that would be a positive thing, not a negative thing.
* {{w|NATO}} is going to be just fine. But [[NATO]] countries -- we have 28 countries -- many of them are taking advantage of us because they're not paying. So we're protecting these countries and they're not paying. ... I'm all in favor of NATO. I said NATO is obsolete. I was asked a question by one of your competitors and I said NATO is obsolete, because it's not taking care of terror.
* The people of {{w|Crimea}}, from what I've heard, would rather be with Russia than where they were. And you have to look at that, also. Now, that was under -- just so you understand, that was done under Obama's administration. And as far as the [[Ukraine]] is concerned, it's a mess. And that's under the Obama's administration, with his strong ties to [[NATO]]. So with all of these strong ties to NATO, Ukraine is a mess. [[wikipedia:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Crimea has been taken]]. Don't blame Donald Trump for that.
* No debts. I have very little debt to anybody. I don't need debt. You know, it's very interesting, I'm so liquid, I don't need debt. And if I need debt, if I want debt, I can get it from banks in New York City very easily.
* If you want to get a television today -- I buy thousands of television sets. If I want a television, I would love the buy American-made televisions like they used to have where they had [[wikipedia:General Electric#Television|GE]] and [[wikipedia:Sylvania Electric Products|Sylvania]] and all of the different. Today, it's {{w|Samsung}}, it's [[wikipedia:LG Electronics|LG]], it's {{w|Sony}}. We don't make televisions anymore.
* When I do ties, I bid them out. And I go all over the place. You have companies over in different countries where they devalue their currency and they make it impossible for American companies to compete. The hat, {{w|Make America Great Again}}. I fought like crazy to find a company in this country that could make the hats. And I found one. And they're American-made, but it's -- because I knew the first thing people would do is, where is the hat made. OK, Make America Great.
* He ([[Khizr M. Khan]]) was, you know, very emotional and probably looked like a nice guy to me. His wife, if you look at his wife, she was standing there. She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say. You tell me. But plenty of people have written that. She was extremely quiet. And it looked like she had nothing to say. A lot of people have said that. And personally, I watched him. I wish him the best of luck.
* I'd say we've had a lot of problems with radical Islamic terrorism. That's what I'd say. We have a lot of problems. ... I'd say you've got to take a look at that, because something is going on. And it's not good.
* Well, that sounds - who wrote that? Did Hillary's scriptwriters write it? Because everybody that went out there, we also had [[wikipedia:John R. Allen|John Allen]] who failed with ISIS. I mean, he was a general, Allen, General Allen. He went out. And he was ranting and raving. And then I read a report. He was in there for a number of months. And he failed with ISIS.
* The generals aren't doing so well right now. Now, I have a feeling it may be Obama's fault. But if you look at ISIS… General [[Douglas MacArthur|MacArthur]] and [[George S. Patton|General Patton]], they're spinning in their graves. The generals certainly aren't doing very well right now.
* I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I've done, I've had tremendous success. I think I've done a lot. ... I think they're sacrifices. I think when I can employ thousands and thousands of people, take care of their education, take care of so many things, even in military. I mean, I was very responsible, along with a group of people, for getting the [[wikipedia:Vietnam Veterans Plaza|Vietnam Memorial]] built in [[wikipedia:Lower Manhattan|downtown Manhattan]], which to this day people thank me for.
* I raised, and I have raised, millions of dollars for the vets. I'm helping the vets a lot. I think my popularity with the vets is through the roof, far greater than hers. She's done nothing. All she's done is tell everybody that the vets are in good shape. They're fine. And they're not fine. People are waiting on line for seven days to see a doctor. She thinks it's fine.
* Our country's a mess. And that's why when she makes the speech, she doesn't talk about radical Islam. She doesn't talk about the problems that we have in this country and throughout the world. Many of the problems, she caused. I mean, she created ISIS with her stupidity and her lack of knowledge with her bad judgment.

====August 2016====
[[File:Classified documents at Mar-a-Lago bathroom.jpg|thumb|In my administration, I'm going to enforce all [[laws]] concerning the [[protection]] of classified information. No one will be above the law.]]

* He’s not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.
** Claimed about the Russian president Vladimir Putin after Putin had invaded Crimea, Ukraine and while fighting a war in Donbass, Ukraine, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/31/politics/donald-trump-russia-ukraine-crimea-putin/index.html &quot;Trump says Putin is ‘not going to go into Ukraine,’ despite Crimea&quot;], ''CNN'' (August 1, 2016)

* Don't worry about that baby. I love babies.  I hear that baby crying, I like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don't worry, don't worry. The mom's running around like—don't worry about it, you know. It's young and beautiful and healthy and that's what we want. [...]  Actually, I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here.  That's all right. Don't worry. I, I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I'm speaking. That's OK. People don't understand. That's OK.
** [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-kicks-out-baby-rally-226566 At a rally in Ashburn, Virginia.] (August 2, 2016) 

* He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster.
** On Barack Obama during an interview with [[wikipedia:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. {{citation |date=2016-08-02 |author=Eric Bradner |title=Trump responds to Obama: 'He's a terrible president' |periodical=CNN |url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/}}

* [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] wants to abolish, essentially abolish, the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|second amendment]]. '''If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the second amendment people, maybe there is''', I don't know. But I'll tell you what, that will be a horrible day.
** Rally in [[w:Wilmington, North Carolina|Wilmington, North Carolina]] on August 9, 2016 ({{cite news |title=Donald Trump Suggests ‘Second Amendment People' Could Act Against Hillary Clinton |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |first1=Nick |last1=Corasaniti |authorlink2=w:Maggie Haberman |first2=Maggie |last2=Haberman |date=August 9, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/10/us/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton.html}}; {{cite news |title=Donald Trump hints at assassination of Hillary Clinton by gun rights supporters |first=David |last=Smith |date=August 10, 2016  |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/09/trump-gun-owners-clinton-judges-second-amendment}}).
* In my administration, I'm going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law.
** Statement in a [https://www.c-span.org/video/?414134-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-charlotte-north-carolina campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (18 August 2016)], as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-classified-above-law/ &quot;Yes, Trump Said 'No One Will Be Above the Law' Regarding Protection of Classified Information&quot; (9 June 2023)]

* [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]].
** During a Florida rally at the BB&amp;T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 &quot;Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'&quot;] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (August 10, 2016)

* I will always tell you the truth.
** [https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/8/19/1561877/-Trump-I-will-always-tell-you-the-truth-up-to-30-percent-of-the-time &quot;Trump: “I will always tell you the truth” up to 30 percent of the time&quot;], ''Daily Kos'' (August 19, 2024)

* No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton's policies than African-Americans. If Hillary Clinton's goal was to inflict pain on the African-American community, she could not have done a better job. It's a disgrace. Tonight, I'm asking for the vote of every single African-American citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. The inner cities of our country have been run by the Democratic party for more than fifty years. Their policies have reduced only [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]], joblessness, failing schools and broken homes. It's time to hold Democratic politicians accountable for what they have done to these communities. At what point do we say, &quot;enough?&quot; It's time to hold failed leaders accountable for their results not just their empty words over and over again. Look at what the Democratic party has done to the city as an example and there are many others of Detroit: forty percent of Detroit's residents live in poverty. Half of all Detroit residents do not work and cannot work and can't get a job. Detroit tops the list of most dangerous cities in terms of violent crime. This is the legacy of the Democratic politicians who have run this city. This is the result of the policy agenda embraced by Hillary Clinton: thirty-three thousand emails gone. The only way to change results is to change leadership. We can never fix our problems by relying on the same politicians who created our problems in the first place. A new future requires brand new leadership. Look how much African-American communities suffered under Democratic control. To those I say the following: What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump. What do you have to lose? I say it again, what do you have to lose. Look, what do you have to lose? You're living your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs. Fifty-eight percent of your youth is unemployed? What the hell do you have to lose? And at the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over ninety-five percent of the African-American vote. I promise you.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5B5m1S5VTA Speech to the African-American community in Dimondale, Michigan] (August 19, 2016)

* I'm going to be working for you. I'm not going to have time to go play golf.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2017/02/13/trump-used-to-have-a-slightly-different-opinion-of-presidents-playing-golf/?utm_term=.d2f026a42e9c Trump used to have a slightly different opinion of presidents playing golf] by Phillip Bump, Washington Post, August 8 Virginia rally (August 20, 2016)

* Immigration security, we need to protect American jobs. We need to protect American safety. We're going to build a wall folks, don't worry, we're going to build a wall. That wall will go up so fast, your heads will spin. And you'll say, &quot;you know, know he meant it!&quot; And you know what else I mean? Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
** On immigration at a rally in Akron, Ohio (22 August 2016)

* It's our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us.
** Immigration speech (31 August 2016), quoted in [http://fox59.com/2016/08/31/donald-trump-delivers-immigration-speech-after-meeting-with-mexican-president/ &quot;Donald Trump delivers immigration speech after meeting with Mexican president&quot;] by CNN Wire, ''[[wikipedia:WXIN|Fox 59]]''.

* The fundamental problem with the immigration system in our country is that it serves the needs of wealthy donors, political activists and powerful politicians. Let me tell you who it doesn’t serve: it doesn’t serve you, the American people.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* When politicians talk about immigration reform, they usually mean the following: amnesty, open borders, and lower wages. Immigration reform should mean something else entirely: it should mean improvements to our laws and policies to make life better for American citizens. But if we are going to make our immigration system work, then we have to be prepared to talk honestly and without fear about these important and sensitive issues.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* To all the politicians, donors and special interests, hear these words from me today: there is only one core issue in the immigration debate and it is this: the well-being of the American people. Nothing even comes a close second.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* You’re stealing my money! You’re stealing my fucking money! What the fuck is this? Why are you letting him steal my fucking money?
** When informed he was by law required to fund a transition.[https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team]

* Fuck the law. I don’t give a fuck about the law. I want my fucking money.
** When informed he was by law required to fund a transition.[https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team]

=====Speech at rally in Wilmington, North Carolina (August 9, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Speech at rally in {{w|Wilmington, North Carolina}}. [http://time.com/4445813/donald-trump-second-amendment-speech/ Transcript] (August 9, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm the messenger, but I'll tell you what, the message is the right message.

* $400 million in all cash, anybody know what that looks like? That's a lot of cash. That's a lot of case. And honestly, it's so sad. Think of it, going to [[wikipedia:Iran and state-sponsored terrorism|Iran, a terrorist state]]. Now I happen to think they have plenty of money, we've given then $150 billion, so the $400 million is just, you know – I happen to think it goes into their accounts in Switzerland personally. Now, a lot of people say, &quot;no, no, it's used for terror,&quot; and they use it for terror because it's the number one terror funder – not even close. But I also think that when you have $400 million in cash, different denominations, do you see the size of this? I guess they did release the pictures after all. They released pictures. ... Obama said that he did it because we don't have a working account with Iran. Do you believe that? How long does it take to set up an account? Right? You don't have a working account, you set up an account, right?

* What's going on in this country is insane. And we have people running our country that don't know what they're doing, they're grossly incompetent, and it's time. We have to make change, real change. Not [[wikipedia:Barack Obama presidential campaign, 2008#Slogan|Obama change]], we have to make change.

* We get [[Bowe Bergdahl|Bergdahl]] who was a traitor, and they get five of the greatest killers that they've wanted for eight years. We get Bergdahl — I call it the five for one trade. For the [[wikipedia:Iran nuclear deal framework|Iran deal]], where we get nothing, we get nothing. They get ultimately, they have the path, beautiful path, they'll get way, way earlier than that. They'll get nuclear weapons, so if you get Trump you're going to see a lot of changes to that deal. That'll happen fast.

* Remember {{w|Obamacare}}, &quot;you're going to keep your doctor, you're going to keep your plan, over and over again, you're going to keep your doctor.&quot; It was a lie. And in fact, if he didn't make the lie, he would have never gotten it approved because most Democrats, many of the Democrats didn't want to do it. It was only that, that got them to sign it and to approve it. And it was a lie.

* America first. We get a little tired of these deals where they actually put, and you know why, because of lobbyists and special interests and people representing and people wanting it to happen. It's just not that they want other countries to benefit over us. There are reasons for it and you know, when I raise money, and I'm putting up a lot of money for my own campaign, I'm funding me. And I'm raising for the Republican party. And we're getting a lot of money from the small donors.

* '''Those cameras are not going on the move unless we have a protester. If we had a protester that's the only time they move because they're showing something that in their mind is a bad thing, so then they move.''' But I like that, I've always liked my protesters because the cameras show these massive crowds and people say wow, was that a big crowd.

* She (Hillary Clinton) lacks judgment, she lacks temperament and I'm the one that used unfit many, many months ago. And now they've turned it around, use it on me, unfit? I'm unfit? That's — that's a first. But she lacks the temperament and the moral character to lead this country, its very simple. She really does. She's a dangerous person who doesn't tell the truth which has been proven very loudly. I've never seen a — I don't think we've ever had greater proof of that, of anybody. And she has disregarded the lives of Americans — you see what's happening — with what she has done with her server? And you know why she did that. So, I just look at this, and I said that if she gets elected, she will cause the destruction of this country from within. Remember that. ... She is disdainful of the rules set for everyone else and she hasn't changed a bit. This is — that was the good thing. I couldn't say the bad things. It was too much. Nobody would even — nobody would even believe it. You've got to see this book. Nobody would believe because it's so terrible, so terrible. And she comes across like this woman — nice, easy — but she's not. And — and she's — listen — she's not a leader, not a leader. And she is a liar.

* '''[[France]] isn't France anymore.''' We're not going. And so many people are saying that. Look at what's going on with [[Germany]]. Look at what's happening with Germany. Look at the crime; look at the problems. We have enough problems in our country right now. We don't need additional problems, folks. We don't need additional problems. And for all we know, this could be the great [[Trojan Horse]]. This could be. We don't know who these people are. ... We have to get smart, folks. We don't need the problems — and we've already got those problems, just so you understand. Because they're coming into the country, they're being put where nobody even knows where they are. It's like, if I were the enemy, I would say, I can't believe they're that stupid. They're taking my people and they're putting them all over the place, because you have great military right here.

* [[wikipedia:Hillary Clinton email controversy|33,000 e-mails are missing]]. And she's so guilty. She's so guilty.

* Could you imagine if I said that &quot;I short circuited&quot;? They would be calling for my execution, — electric chair. They'd bring back the electric chair. It would be a whole different ball game if I said it, believe me.

* [[wikipedia:Economic policy of Barack Obama|Obama-Clinton economic policies]] have produced 1.2 percent economic growth, the weakest so-called [[wikipedia:Financial crisis of 2007–08#Stabilization|recovery]] since the Great Depression. Now, this is, like, unbelievable — 1.2. Do you know China goes to 7 percent or 8 percent, it's like a national catastrophe. Now, what they do is they cut their currency. They devalue their currency, and big league, and then all of our businesses continue to be drained out of the United States. Our money, our jobs. They make our product, they sell our product to us. No tax, no nothing, you devalue — see devaluing is sort of cheating.

* I see the carnage that [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#NAFTA|NAFTA has caused]], I see the carnage. It's been horrible. ... It's a suicidal pact for our country. And you know I've watched for years.

* I like Mexico. And I respect the leaders of Mexico because they're much smarter, they're much street smarter, but they're much smarter and more cunning than our leaders. But you have to see what's going on.

* I can't believe I'm saying I'm a politician.

* The Bernie ones were — they had a lot more spirit. I think we're going to get a lot of Bernie voters, if you want to know the truth. Because they do understand that trade is killing us. Trade.

* The [[national debt]] has doubled. And you know the bad part about that? You think if the national debt has doubled, our infrastructure would be great, our country would be in great shape. We'd have beautiful roads, beautiful highways. You see where like 50 percent of the bridges are in danger in this country. And the roadways are a mess.

* We have great people. We have the most loyal people. We have the smartest people. You know, so many of my people, they're so smart. They like to say, well, Trump, I don't know if he's got this right — let me tell you, we have the smartest people. We have the people that are the smartest, and the strongest, and the best and the hardest working. We have the smartest people. We'll put I.Q.s among — some of us, we couldn't say all of us, right — against any I.Q.s that we — we have to deal with, that I can tell you. I would love to do that.

* Today, [[wikipedia:Home-ownership in the United States|homeownership]] is at its lowest rate in 51 years. ... Lowest that its been in so many years, 51 years. Nearly 12 million people and more Americans are dependent on food stamps and 2 million more Latino Americans live in poverty under Obama and Clinton — under Obama; because Clinton's just gonna carry on.

* Hillary wants to raise taxes. It's a comparison. I want to lower them.

* If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is. I don't know. But — but I'll tell you what. That will be a horrible day. If — if Hillary gets to put her judges — right now, we're tied. You see what's going on.

* Hillary essentially wants to abolish the Second Amendment.

* Hillary and President Obama refused to use the term radical {{w|Islamic terrorism}}. Big problem. Big problem. Hillary wants to release violent criminals and criminal offenders from prison, that's wonderful, enjoy yourselves. I want to work with our police. Our police are so incredible, they're not getting the respect they deserve.

* We have to respect and cherish our police.

* We're fighting a political correct war. It's a political correct war. I mean, you know what's going on. You know what's going on. These are people that chop off heads. These are people that, in steel cages, drop steel cages into the waters and drowned large numbers of people. These are people that buried people in the sand. We've got to knock them out. I was against the war in Iraq. We shouldn't have been to the war in Iraq. It destabilized the Middle East and I said that was going to happen. But we shouldn't have gotten out the way we got out. The way we got out was insane. And Obama gave a date, and he — and that's how ISIS happened, folks. Hence, the birth of ISIS.

* If I'm ISIS, I call her (Hillary Clinton) up and I give her the most valuable player award. ... And I guarantee you with Libya, which was her baby, and all of the other mistakes she has made. Obama takes now, because obviously, for him, that's the better alternative, all right? But he has been an incompetent president. He has done a horrible job.

=====Speech in Jackson, Mississippi (August 24, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;Speech in {{w|Jackson, Mississippi}}. As quoted by ''{{w|CBS}}'' and ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' [http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/08/24/trump-clinton-bigot/][http://www.thehindu.com/news/international/republican-presidential-candidate-donald-trump-speaks-at-an-election-rally-in-mississippi/article9031151.ece] (August 24, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Hillary Clinton is a bigot who sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future.''' She's going to do nothing for African-Americans. She's going to do nothing for the Hispanics. She's only going to take care of herself, her consultants, her donors, these are the people she cares about. She doesn't care what her policies have done to your communities. She doesn't care. Remember this, you've had her policies — Democrats running some of the inner cities for 50, 70, 80, even over 100 years. And look what you have right now: poverty, no education, crime, you can't walk down the street with your child. We're going to fix it. Hillary Clinton has no remorse. I will fight to create a better future for every American.
* Eight years of Obama-Clinton policies have sacrificed our safety and undermined our freedom and independence. ... The Obama-Clinton foreign policy has unleashed ISIS, destabilised the Middle East and put the nation of Iran — which chants [[Death to America]] — in a dominant position of regional power and, in fact, aspiring to be a dominant world power.
* Our jobs have moved overseas, Islamic terrorism has spread within our shores and an open border has crushed low-income workers and threatened our security. The issues we face here in America are similar to the issues faced in Britain during their referendum on membership in the EU. This is the movement known as Brexit
* Hillary wants to surrender America to globalism. She wants a country without borders. She wants trade deals written for the benefit of foreign corporations. She wants a government that ignores the will of the people. She wants to sell out American security to the Clinton Foundation for a pile of cash. It is hard to tell where the Clinton Foundation ends and the [[United States Department of State|State Department]] begins. ... Hillary Clinton has betrayed her duty to the people.
* The job of a public official is to serve and protect the citizens of the United States. Not illegal immigrants, not foreign nationals seeking entry, but the people living here lawfully today — including millions of African-American and Hispanic citizens.
* I will fight for their security, I will fight for their jobs, I will fight for their families. One American Nation.
* It's time for America to recapture its destiny. Our government, our leaders, and our media have lost touch with the people. You need no better evidence of that than the fact that the media ignores the plight of Americans who have lost their children to illegal immigrants, but spends day after day pushing for amnesty for those here in violation of the law.
* This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction, terrorism and weakness. But Hillary Clinton's legacy doesn't have to be America's legacy.
* I have a message for the terrorists trying to kill our citizens: we will find you, we will destroy you, and we will win. This is not only a military fight, but we will also require cyberwarfare and financial warfare. It is also an ideological fight. We will confront directly the hateful ideology of Radical Islam — and promote American values, and American culture, and America's system of government.

====September 2016====
* We can't have someone in the Oval Office who doesn't understand the meaning of the word &quot;confidential&quot; or &quot;classified&quot;.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/donald-trump-classified-information/ Trump campaign speech in Greenville, North Carolina] (6 September 2016)

* For the first time in a long while, [[Hillary Clinton|her]] true feelings came out, showing bigotry and hatred for millions of Americans. How can she be President of our country when she has such contempt and disdain for so many great Americans?
** {{cite news |title=Clinton walks back 'deplorables' comment: I 'regret' using the term to describe 'half' of Trump's supporters |first=Beremy |last=Berke |work=[[w:Business Insider|Business Insider]] |date=10 September 2016 |url=http://www.businessinsider.com/clinton-regrets-deplorables-comment-2016-9/}}

* While my opponent slanders you as deplorable... I call you hard-working, American patriots.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?415085-1/donald-trump-campaigns-ashville-north-carolina Donald Trump Campaign Rally in Ashville, North Carolina], ''C-SPAN.org'' (12 September 2016).

*OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things…I also watch TV…OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb…&lt;br&gt;Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward…I actually don't have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time. 
**[https://www.newsmax.com/thewire/jimmy-fallon-donald-trump-mess-up-hair/2016/09/16/id/748677/ 15 September 2016 to Jimmy Fallon]

* Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. You know what I mean. President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period. Now we all want to get back to making America strong and great again.
** {{cite news |title=Trump finally says Obama born in U.S., blames Clinton for controversy |work=USA Today |date=16 September 2016 |url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2016/2016/09/16/donald-trump-barack-obama-hillary-clinton-presidential-campaign-birtherism/90471868/}}
** [[wikipedia:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Conspiracy theories about Barack Obama's citizenship]] were not started by Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign according to ''[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/fact-checking-donald-trumps-claim-hillary-clinton-/ PolitiFact.com]'', and Trump continued to question Obama's citizenship for years after he released his long-form birth certificate in 2011[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/donald-trumps-pants-fire-claim-he-finished-obama-b/].

* People don't know how great you are. People don't know how smart you are. These are the smart people. These are the smart people. These are really the smart people. And they never like to say it, but I say it. And I'm a smart person. These are the smart. We have the smartest people. We have the smartest people. And they know it. Some say it, but they hate to say it. But we have the smartest people.
** Council Bluffs, Iowa, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-09-29 |title=Donald Trump's Bizarre Speech: 'You Are The Smartest People' |periodical=Leading Britain's Conversation |url=https://www.lbc.co.uk/politics/us-election/donald-trump/donald-trumps-bizarre-speech-smartest-people/}}

* On the question if he would honor the results of the election should he lose:&lt;br&gt;&quot;We're going to have to see. We're going to see what happens. We're going to have to see.&quot;
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/01/us/politics/donald-trump-interview-bill-hillary-clinton.html?_r=0 In an interview with the New York Times]; [http://www.nbcnews.com/card/trump-appears-back-pledge-support-clinton-if-she-wins-n657866 Trump Appears to Back Off Pledge to Support Clinton If She Wins], NBC News  (30 September 2016)

=====First presidential debate (September 26, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}''&lt;/small&gt; 

* Our jobs are fleeing the country. They're going to Mexico. They're going to many other countries. You look at what China is doing to our country in terms of making our product. They're devaluing their currency, and there's nobody in our government to fight them. And we have a very good fight. And we have a winning fight. Because they're using our country as a piggy bank to rebuild China, and many other countries are doing the same thing. ... We have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us. We have to stop our companies from leaving the United States and, with it, firing all of their people. ... We cannot let it happen. Under my plan, I'll be reducing taxes tremendously, from 35 percent to 15 percent for companies, small and big businesses. That's going to be a job creator like we haven't seen since [[Ronald Reagan]]. It's going to be a beautiful thing to watch. Companies will come. They will build. They will expand. New companies will start. And I look very, very much forward to doing it. We have to renegotiate our trade deals, and we have to stop these countries from stealing our companies and our jobs.

* Our country's in deep trouble. We don't know what we're doing when it comes to devaluations and all of these countries all over the world, especially China. They're the best, the best ever at it. What they're doing to us is a very, very sad thing.

* But in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, when she started talking about this, it was really very recently. She's been doing this for 30 years. And why hasn't she made the agreements better? The NAFTA agreement is defective. Just because of the tax and many other reasons, but just because of the fact Secretary Clinton and others, politicians, should have been doing this for years, not right now, because of the fact that we've created a movement.

* The first thing you do is don't let the jobs leave. The companies are leaving. I could name, I mean, there are thousands of them. They're leaving, and they're leaving in bigger numbers than ever. And what you do is you say, fine, you want to go to Mexico or some other country, good luck. We wish you a lot of luck. But if you think you're going to make your air conditioners or your cars or your cookies or whatever you make and bring them into our country without a tax, you're wrong. And once you say you're going to have to tax them coming in, and our politicians never do this, because they have special interests and the special interests want those companies to leave, because in many cases, they own the companies. So what I'm saying is, we can stop them from leaving. We have to stop them from leaving. And that's a big, big factor.

* '''CLINTON''': Donald was one of the people who rooted for the [[wikipedia:United States housing bubble|housing crisis]]. He said, back in 2006, &quot;Gee, I hope it does collapse, because then I can go in and buy some and make some money.&quot; Well, it did collapse.
: '''TRUMP''': That's called business, by the way.

* We invested in a solar company, our country. That was a disaster. They lost plenty of money on that one. Now, look, I'm a great believer in all forms of [[energy]], but we're putting a lot of people out of work. Our energy policies are a disaster. Our country is losing so much in terms of energy, in terms of paying off our debt. You can't do what you're looking to do with $20 trillion in debt. The Obama administration, from the time they've come in, is over 230 years' worth of debt, and he's topped it. He's doubled it in a course of almost eight years, seven-and-a-half years, to be semi- exact.

* We have to do a much better job at giving companies incentives to build new companies or to expand, because they're not doing it.

* NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country. And now you [Hillary Clinton] [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Trans-Pacific_Partnership|want to approve Trans-Pacific Partnership]]. You were totally in favor of it. Then you heard what I was saying, how bad it is, and you said, I can't win that debate. But you know that if you did win, you would approve that, and that will be almost as bad as NAFTA. Nothing will ever top NAFTA.

* You are going to approve one of the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Fiscal_policy_and_taxation|biggest tax cuts in history]]. You are going to approve one of the biggest tax increases in history. You are going to drive business out. Your regulations are a disaster, and you're going to increase regulations all over the place. And by the way, my tax cut is the biggest since [[wikipedia:Reaganomics|Ronald Reagan]]. I'm very proud of it. It will create tremendous numbers of new jobs. But regulations, you are going to regulate these businesses out of existence. ... The things that business as in people like the most is the fact that I'm cutting regulation. You have regulations on top of regulations, and new companies cannot form and old companies are going out of business. And you want to increase the regulations and make them even worse. I'm going to cut regulations. I'm going to cut taxes big league, and you're going to raise taxes big league, end of story.

* She's telling us how to fight ISIS. Just go to her website. She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website. I don't think General [[Douglas MacArthur]] would like that too much. ... See, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.

* I'm really calling for major jobs, because the wealthy are going create tremendous jobs. They're going to expand their companies. They're going to do a tremendous job. I'm getting rid of the carried interest provision. And if you really look, it's not a tax -- it's really not a great thing for the wealthy. It's a great thing for the middle class. It's a great thing for companies to expand.

* We have the worst revival of an economy since the [[Great Depression]]. And believe me: '''We're in a bubble right now. And the only thing that looks good is the [[stock market]], but if you raise [[interest]] rates even a little bit, that's going to come [[Stock market crash|crashing down]].'''

* I will release them as soon as the [[Auditor|audit]]. Look, I've been under audit almost for 15 years. I know a lot of wealthy people that have never been audited. I said, do you get audited? I get audited almost every year. And in a way, I should be complaining. I'm not even complaining. I don't mind it. It's almost become a way of life. I get audited by the [[IRS]]. But other people don't. I will say this. We have a situation in this country that has to be taken care of. I will release my tax returns -- against my lawyer's wishes -- when she [Hillary Clinton] releases her 33,000 e-mails that have been deleted. As soon as she releases them, I will release.
** About releasing his tax returns.

* That makes me smart.
** About that Trump didn't pay [[wikipedia:Income tax in the United States|federal income taxes]].

* That was more than a mistake. That was done purposely. OK? That was not a mistake. That was done purposely. When you have your staff taking the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]], taking the Fifth so they're not prosecuted, when you have the man that set up the illegal server taking the Fifth, I think it's disgraceful.
** About {{w|Hillary Clinton email controversy}}

* As far as my tax returns, you don't learn that much from tax returns. That I can tell you. You learn a lot from financial disclosure. And you should go down and take a look at that.

* I am very under[[wiktionary:leverage|leveraged]]. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It's because it's about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money.

* Maybe he didn't do a good job and I was unsatisfied with his work ... On occasion, four times, we used certain laws that are there. And when Secretary Clinton talks about people that didn't get paid, first of all, they did get paid a lot, but taken advantage of the laws of the nation. Now, if you want to change the laws, you've been there a long time, change the laws. But I take advantage of the laws of the nation because I'm running a company. My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies. And that's what I do. ... She [Hillary Clinton] doesn't say is that tens of thousands of people that are unbelievably happy and that love me.
** About not having paid to some of his employees.

* We need law and order. If we don't have it, we're not going to have a country. ... We need law and order in our country.

* We have a situation where we have our inner cities, [[African American|African- Americans]], [[w:Hispanic American|Hispanics]] are living in hell because it's so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot.

* Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago you do [[wikipedia:Frisking|stop and frisk]], which worked very well, [[Rudy Giuliani|Mayor Giuliani]] is here, [[wikipedia:Stop-and-frisk in New York City|worked very well in New York]]. It brought the crime rate way down. But you take the gun away from criminals that shouldn't be having it. We have [[wikipedia:Gangs in the United States|gangs roaming the street]]. And in many cases, they're illegally here, [[illegal immigrants]]. And they have guns. And they shoot people. And we have to be very strong. And we have to be very vigilant.

* Our police, in many cases, are afraid to do anything. We have to protect our inner cities, because African-American communities are being decimated by crime, decimated.

* '''HOLT''': Stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York, because it largely singled out black and Hispanic young men.
: '''TRUMP''': No, you're wrong. It went before a judge, who was a very against-police judge. It was taken away from her. And our mayor, our new mayor, refused to go forward with the case. They would have won an appeal. If you look at it, throughout the country, there are many places where it's allowed.
: '''HOLT''': The argument is that it's a form of racial profiling.
: '''TRUMP''': No, the argument is that we have to take the guns away from these people that have them and they are bad people that shouldn't have them.

* You need more police. You need a better community, you know, relation. ... You need better relationships between the communities and the police, because in some cases, it's not good.

* So when you [Hillary Clinton] tried to act holier than thou, it really doesn't work. It really doesn't.

* We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. I don't think anybody knows it was Russia that [[wikipedia:Democratic National Committee cyber attacks|broke into the DNC]]. She's saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don't -- maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?

* We have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare.

* President Obama and Secretary Clinton created a vacuum the way they got [[wikipedia:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq|out of Iraq]], because they got out -- what, they shouldn't have been in, but once they got in, the way they got out was a disaster. And ISIS was formed.

* I said it to you once, had we taken the [[oil]] -- and we should have taken the oil -- ISIS would not have been able to form either, because the [[wikipedia:Oil production and smuggling in ISIL|oil was their primary source of income]]. And now they have the oil all over the place, including the oil -- a lot of the oil in Libya, which was another one of her disasters.

* You [Hillary Clinton] look at the Middle East, you started the Iran deal, that's another beauty where you have a country that was ready to fall, I mean, they were doing so badly. They were choking on the sanctions. And now they're going to be actually probably a major power at some point pretty soon, the way they're going.

* I think we have to get [[NATO]] to go into the Middle East with us, in addition to surrounding nations, and we have to knock the hell out of ISIS, and we have to do it fast, when ISIS formed in this vacuum created by Barack Obama and Secretary Clinton. And believe me, you were the ones that took out the troops. ... When they formed, this is something that never should have happened. It should have never happened. Now, you're talking about taking out ISIS. But you were there, and you were secretary of state when it was a little infant. Now it's in over 30 countries. And you're going to stop them? I don't think so.

* I think the best person in her [Clinton's] campaign is mainstream media.

* The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not global warming, like you think and your -- your president thinks.

====October 2016====
* I'd never withdraw. I've never withdrawn in my life.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/amid-growing-calls-to-drop-out-trump-vows-to-never-withdraw/2016/10/08/8c0b5b7a-8d68-11e6-bff0-d53f592f176e_story.html?postshare=8561475940907652&amp;tid=ss_tw phone call to the Washington Post] (8 October 2016)

* So important that you get out and vote. So important that you watch other communities, because we don't want this election stolen from us. We don't want this election stolen from us.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/11/donald-trump-unplugged-as-ever/ Transcript of speech] at [[wikipedia:Ambridge, Pennsylvania|Ambridge, Pennsylvania]] (October 10, 2016)

* '''Donald Trump''': Now, he's supposed to look like Donald Trump, but he's actually much too good looking. ''[to toddler]'' You are really handsome... Do you want to go back to [your parents] or do you want to stay with Donald Trump?&lt;br&gt;'''Toddler''': Trump.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snou8qrElnM Little Trump Look-Alike Comes on Stage with Donald in Wilkes-Barre 10/10/16], [[wikipedia:Right Side Broadcasting Network|Right Side Broadcasting]], ''YouTube''. Quoted in [http://people.com/politics/donald-trump-meets-his-mini-me-at-pennsylvania-rally/ &quot;Donald Trump Meets His Mini-Me at Pennsylvania Rally&quot;] by Dave Quinn, ''People.com'' (October 11, 2016).

* This event gives not only the candidates' chance to be with each other in very social setting it's also allowing the candidates the opportunity to meet the other candidate team, good team, I know Hillary met my campaign manager and I got chance meet people who are working so hard to get her elected, there they are...the head of NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, there's the New York Times right over there and the Washington Post, they're working overtime, it's true...true... Oh this one gonna get me a trouble...
** Speech at the Al Smith Charity Dinner, 2016

* Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends and her donors.
* Honestly, she should be locked up. She should be. Should be locked up.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/14/us/politics/trump-comments-linked-to-antisemitism.html at a rally in West Palm Beach, Florida] (October 13, 2016)

* She [Clinton] walks in front of me, she walks in front of me, you know. And when she walked in front of me, believe me I wasn't impressed.
* Reporters at [[The New York Times]] are not journalists. They're corporate lobbyists for [[Carlos Slim Helú|Carlos Slim]] and Hillary Clinton.
* Believe me: She [one of the women accusing him of sexual assault] would not be my first choice, that I can tell you.
** [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/14/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-appearance-debate/ at a rally in Greensboro, N.C.] Also quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/15/us/politics/trump-speech-highlights.html?hp&amp;action=click&amp;pgtype=Homepage&amp;clickSource=story-heading&amp;module=first-column-region&amp;region=top-news&amp;WT.nav=top-news Donald Trump's Barrage of Heated Rhetoric Has Little Precedent] (October 14, 2016)

* Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt - and when I say corrupt, I'm talking about totally corrupt - political establishment [Obamacare] with a new government controlled by you, the American people. There is nothing the political establishment will not do. No lie that they won't tell to hold their prestige and power at your expense and that's what's been happening. The Washington establishment and the financial and media corporations that funded exist for only one reason: to protect and enrich itself. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. As an example, just one single trade deal they'd like to pass involves trillions of dollars controlled by many countries, corporations, and lobbyists. For those who controlled the levels of power in Washington, and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. Our campaign represents a true existential threat like they haven't seen before. 
** At a campaign rally in Florida (13 October 2016)

* No, no, lot of things are going on folks, lot of things. I think she's actually getting pumped up, if you want to know the truth, she's getting pumped up, you understand? In fact we're going to be talking about that in a few minutes. She's getting pumped up for Wednesday night. Let's see. You know, I don't know, maybe, we're like athletes, right? Hey, look, I beat seventeen senators, governors, I beat all these people, we're like athletes. Hillary beat Bernie, although it looks like Bernie got a little bit of a bad deal based on Wikileaks, right? If you look at Wikileaks. But we're like athletes, right? So athletes, they're making them more and more, but athletes, they make them take a drug test, right? I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate, I do. I think we should, why don't we do that? We should take a drug test, prior, because I don't know what's going on with her. But at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end it was like, &quot;Uh, take me down.&quot; She could barely reach her car. So I think we should take a drug test, I'm, er, anyway I'm willing to do it.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mE7YkeasOA At a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, about his rival Hillary Clinton's performance during the presidential debates] (15 October 2016)

* Such a nasty woman. [of Hillary Clinton]
** Third Presidential debate (19 October 2016), [http://fortune.com/2016/10/19/presidential-debate-third-transcript/ full transcript] at ''[[wikipedia:Fortune (magazine)|fortune.com]]''.

* I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election, ''if I win''.
** 20 October 2016, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Donald Trump: 'I will totally accept' election results 'if I win' |author=Jeremy Diamond |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/20/politics/donald-trump-i-will-totally-accept-election-results-if-i-win/index.html}}

*Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate commission.
**Al Smith dinner speech, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37724391 20 October 2016]

* I'm going to fight for every American in every last part of this nation.  We have a president who doesn't fight.  He goes out and plays golf all the time.   
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] October 23 rally

*She didn't know what to do, well how did you get him, uh well uh... they were sent by Russia! You know they're always using Russia
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smKITCJJMnc&amp;t=18m30s October 25, 2016 rally in Sanford] regarding [[Donna Brazile]]

* And I have to give the [[Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]] credit, that was so bad, what happened, originally, and it took guts for [[James Comey|Director Comey]] to make the move that he made, in light of the kind of opposition he had, with their trying to protect her from criminal prosecution, you know that. It took a lot of guts, I really disagreed with him, I was not his fan, but I'll tell you what, what he did, he brought back his reputation, he brought it back. He's got to hang tough, because there's a lot of, lotta people, want him to do the wrong thing, what he did was the right thing.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/10/31/donald-trump-james-comey-has-guts-grand-rapids-sot.cnn At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan] shortly after Comey announced the FBI would investigate further emails relating to Hillary Clinton, but before his statement that no incriminating information was found within them (31 October 2016)

=====Second presidential debate (October 9, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/10/us/politics/transcript-second-debate.html Transcript], ''{{w|New York Times}}''&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''[[Anderson Cooper]]''': You bragged that you have [[Sexual assault|sexually assaulted]] women. Do you understand that?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': No, I didn't say that at all. I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk.

* I have great respect for women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

* ...if I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hilary Clinton's] situation, because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it, and we're going to have a special prosecutor.

* '''Hillary Clinton''': ...it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Because you'd be in jail.

* '''Cooper''': Please allow her to respond. She didn't talk while you talked.&lt;br&gt;'''Clinton''': Yes, that's true, I didn't.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Because you have nothing to say.

* '''[[wikipedia:Martha Raddatz|Martha Raddatz]]''': ...you, Secretary Clinton, purportedly say you need both a public and private position on certain issues....&lt;br&gt;'''Clinton''': As I recall, that was something I said about [[Abraham Lincoln]] after having seen [[Lincoln (2012 film)|the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie]] ...&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Now she's blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. That's one that I haven't... OK, Honest Abe, Honest Abe never lied. That's the good thing. That's the big difference between Abraham Lincoln and you. That's a big, big difference. We're talking about some difference.

* I know nothing about Russia. I know — I know about Russia, but I know nothing about the inner workings of Russia.

* '''Cooper''': Did you use that $916 million loss to avoid paying personal federal income taxes for years?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Of course I do. Of course I do. And so do all of her donors, or most of her donors. ... I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I absolutely used it. And so did Warren Buffett and so did George Soros and so did many of the other people that Hillary is getting money from. 

* ...NAFTA, signed by her husband, is perhaps the greatest disaster trade deal in the history of the world.

====November 2016====
* I'm also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Sam Stein | date=2016-11-03 |title=Donald Trump Is Honored To Have The Greatest Temperament, Donald Trump Says | periodical=Huffington Post | url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-temperament_n_581b75d3e4b0b8e11a135eac}} 

* Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt political establishment with a new government controlled by you, the American people. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. For those who control the levers of power in Washington and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. The political establishment that is trying to stop us is the same group responsible for our disastrous trade deals, massive illegal immigration and economic and foreign policies that have bled our country dry. The political establishment has brought about the destruction of our factories and our jobs as they flee to Mexico, China and other countries all around the world. It's a global power structure that is responsible for the economic decisions that have robbed our working class, stripped our country of its wealth and put that money into the pockets of a handful of large corporations and political entities. The only thing that can stop this corrupt machine is you. The only force strong enough to save our country is us. The only people brave enough to vote out this corrupt establishment is you, the American people. I'm doing this for the people and the movement and we will take back this country for you and we will make America great again. I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message.
** Closing argument for America (4 November 2016)
*** Lines recycled from Trump's campaign rally in West Palm Beach, FL (10/13/2016)

* No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/10/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript.html Victory Speech] (9 November 2016)

* I think I'm a sober person. I think the press tries to make you into something a little bit different. In my case, a little bit of a wild man, I'm not, I'm actually not. I'm a very sober person.
** During an interview on 60 Minutes (11 November 2016)

* Today, I would like to provide the American people with an update on the White House transition and our policy plans for the first 100 days. Our transition team is working very smoothly, efficiently, and effectively.  Truly great and talented men and women, patriots indeed are being brought in and many will soon be a part of our government, helping us to [[Make America Great Again]]. My agenda will be based on a simple core principle: putting [[America First (policy)|America First]]. Whether it's producing steel, building cars, or curing disease, I want the next generation of production and innovation to happen right here, in our great homeland: America – creating wealth and jobs for American workers. As part of this plan, I've asked my transition team to develop a list of executive actions we can take on day one to restore our laws and bring back our jobs. It's about time. These include the following: On trade, I am going to issue our notification of intent to withdraw from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a potential disaster for our country.  Instead, we will negotiate fair, bilateral trade deals that bring jobs and industry back onto American shores. On energy, I will cancel job-killing restrictions on the production of American energy – including [[w:Shale energy|shale energy]] and [[w:Clean coal|clean coal]] – creating many millions of high-paying jobs.  That's what we want, that's what we've been waiting for. On regulation, I will formulate a rule which says that for every one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated, it's so important. On [[national security]], I will ask the [[w:United States Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to develop a comprehensive plan to protect America's vital infrastructure from cyber-attacks, and all other form of attacks. On immigration, I will direct the [[w:United States Department of Labor|Department of Labor]] to investigate all abuses of visa programs that undercut the American worker. On ethics reform, as part of our plan to Drain the Swamp, we will impose a five-year ban on executive officials becoming lobbyists after they leave the Administration – and a lifetime ban on executive officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government. These are just a few of the steps we will take to reform Washington and rebuild our middle class. I will provide more updates in the coming days, as we work together to Make America Great Again for everyone.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xX_KaStFT8 A Message from President-Elect Donald J. Trump] (21 November 2016)

* We are very blessed to call this nation our home. And that is what America is: it is our home. It's where we raise our families, care for our loved ones, look out for our neighbors, and live out our dreams. It is my prayer, that on this Thanksgiving, we begin to heal our divisions and move forward as one country, strengthened by a shared purpose and very, very common resolve. In declaring this national holiday, President Lincoln called upon Americans to speak with &quot;one voice and one heart.&quot; That's just what we have to do. We have just finished a long and bruising political campaign. Emotions are raw and tensions just don't heal overnight. It doesn't go quickly, unfortunately, but we have before us the chance now to make history together to bring real change to Washington, real safety to our cities, and real prosperity to our communities, including our inner cities. So important to me, and so important to our country. But to succeed, we must enlist the effort of our entire nation. This historic political campaign is now over. Now begins a great national campaign to rebuild our country and to restore the full promise of America for all of our people. I am asking you to join me in this effort. It is time to restore the bonds of trust between citizens. Because when America is unified, there is nothing beyond our reach, and I mean absolutely nothing. Let us give thanks for all that we have, and let us boldly face the exciting new frontiers that lie ahead. Thank you. God Bless You and God Bless America.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUnv6Kb7syQ A Thanksgiving Message from President-Elect Donald J. Trump] (23 November 2016)

=====''New York Times'' Interview (November 23, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|New York Times}}'' Interview, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/us/politics/trump-new-york-times-interview-transcript.html?smid=tw-share Transcript] (November 23, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;
* People are giving up tremendous careers in order to be subject to you folks and subject to a lot of other folks. But they're giving up a lot. I mean some are giving up tremendous businesses in order to sit for four or maybe eight or whatever the period of time is. But I think we're going to see some tremendous talent, tremendous talent coming in. We have many people for every job. I mean no matter what the job is, we have many incredible people. I think, [[wikipedia:Reince Priebus|Reince]], you can sort of just confirm that. The quality of the people is very good. ... We're trying very hard to get the best people. Not necessarily people that will be the most politically correct people, because that hasn't been working. So we have really experts in the field. Some are known and some are not known, but they're known within their field as being the best. That's very important to me.
* I think the popular vote would have been easier in a true sense because you'd go to a few places. I think that's the genius of the [[w:United States Electoral College|Electoral College]]. I was never a fan of the Electoral College until now.
* What we do want to do is we want to bring the country together, because the country is very, very divided, and that's one thing I did see, big league. It's very, very divided, and I'm going to work very hard to bring the country together.
* I want to move forward, I don't want to move back. And I don't want to hurt the Clintons. I really don't. She went through a lot. And suffered greatly in many different ways. And I am not looking to hurt them at all. The campaign was vicious. They say it was the most vicious primary and the most vicious campaign. I guess, added together, it was definitely the most vicious; probably, I assume you sold a lot of newspapers. ... It's just not something that I feel very strongly about. ... I'm not looking to look back and go through this. This was a very painful period. This was a very painful election with all of the email things and all of the foundation things and all of the everything that they went through and the whole country went through. This was a very painful period of time.
** About not prosecuting Hillary Clinton.
* Our country's really in bad, big trouble. We have a lot of trouble. A lot of problems. And one of the big problems, I talk about, [[divisiveness]]. I think that a lot of people will appreciate … I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm doing it because it's time to go in a different direction.
* '''Clean air is vitally important. Clean water, crystal clean water is vitally important. Safety is vitally important.'''
* Sometimes I'll say I'm actually an [[environmentalist]] and people will smile in some cases and other people that know me understand that's true. Open mind.
* We're not a competitive nation with other nations anymore. We have to make ourselves competitive. We're not competitive for a lot of reasons. That's becoming more and more of the reason. Because a lot of these countries that we do business with, they make deals with our president, or whoever, and then they don't adhere to the deals, you know that. And it's much less expensive for their companies to produce products. So I'm going to be studying that very hard, and I think I have a very big voice in it. And I think my voice is listened to, especially by people that don't believe in it. And we'll let you know.
* As far as the, you know, potential conflict of interests, though, I mean I know that from the standpoint, the law is totally on my side, meaning, the president can't have a conflict of interest. That's been reported very widely. Despite that, I don't want there to be a conflict of interest anyway. And the laws, the president can't. And I understand why the president can't have a conflict of interest now because everything a president does in some ways is like a conflict of interest.
* I don't care about my company. ... Because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is running our country.
* It's hard to explain. I don't care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country.
* In theory I could run my business perfectly, and then run the country perfectly. And there's never been a case like this where somebody's had, like, if you look at other people of wealth, they didn't have this kind of asset and this kind of wealth, frankly. It's just a different thing.
* I've known [[Steve Bannon]] a long time. If I thought he was a [[Racism in the United States|racist]], or [[alt-right]], or any of the things that we can, you know, the terms we can use, I wouldn't even think about hiring him. First of all, I'm the one that makes the decision, not Steve Bannon or anybody else.
* To me more important is taking care of the people that really have proven to be, to love Donald Trump, as opposed to the political people. And frankly if the political people don't take care of these people, they're not going to win and you're going to end up with maybe a total different kind of government than what you're looking at right now. These people are really angry. They're smart, they're workers, and they're angry. I call them the forgotten men and women. And I use that in speeches, I say they're the forgotten people — they were totally forgotten.
* I would love to be able to be the one that made peace with Israel and the Palestinians. I would love that, that would be such a great achievement. Because nobody's been able to do it. ...  I've had a lot of, actually, great Israeli businesspeople tell me, you can't do that, it's impossible. I disagree, I think you can make peace. I think people are tired now of being shot, killed. At some point, when do they come? I think we can do that. I have reason to believe I can do that.
* [[The Times]] is, it's a great, great American jewel. A world jewel.

====December 2016====
* There is no global anthem, no global [[currency]], no certificate of global [[citizenship]], we pledge allegiance to one flag and that flag is the [[Flag of the United States|American Flag]]!
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBqIUF-cdgY#t=15m38s Thank You Tour - Cincinnati, Ohio] (1 December 2016)

* Funny how that term caught on, isn't it? I tell everyone, I hated it. Somebody said 'drain the swamp' and I said, 'Oh, that is so hokey. That is so terrible.' I said, all right, I'll try it. So like a month ago I said 'drain the swamp' and the place went crazy. And I said 'Whoa, what's this?' Then I said it again. And then I start saying it like I meant it, right? And then I started to love it, and the place loved it. Drain the swamp. It's true. It's true. Drain the swamp.
** [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/21/trump-adviser-says-he-is-ditching-drain-the-swamp.html During a rally in Des Moines, Iowa] (December 2016)

* We will pursue a new foreign policy that finally learns from the mistakes of the past. We will stop looking to topple regimes and overthrow governments. ... Our goal is stability, not chaos, because we want to rebuild our country. It's time.
** Speaking at U.S. Bank Arena, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-12-01 |title=Trump's new foreign policy: 'We will stop looking to topple regimes' |author=Anna Giaritelli |periodical={{w|Washington Examiner}} |url=http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trumps-new-foreign-policy-we-will-stop-looking-to-topple-regimes/article/2608687}}

===2017===
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|&lt;div id=&quot;articlecount&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;&quot;&gt; 20 January 2017 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's presidency began&lt;/div&gt;
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====January 2017====
* '''Reporter:''' Would a reasonable observer say that you are potentially vulnerable to blackmail by Russia or by its [[Espionage|intelligence]] agencies?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' Lemme just tell you what I do. When I leave our country, I'm a very high-profile person, would you say? I am extremely careful. I'm surrounded by bodyguards. I'm surrounded by people. And I always tell them—anywhere, but I always tell them if I'm leaving this country, &quot;Be very careful, because in your hotel rooms and no matter where you go, you're gonna probably have cameras.&quot; I'm not referring just to Russia, but I would certainly put them in that category. And number one, &quot;I hope you're gonna be good anyway. But in those rooms, you have cameras in the strangest places. Cameras that are so small with modern technology, you can't see them and you won't know. You better be careful, or you'll be watching yourself on nightly television.&quot; I tell this to people all the time. I was in Russia years ago, with the Miss Universe contest, which did very well—Moscow, the Moscow area did very, very well. And I told many people, &quot;Be careful, because you don't wanna see yourself on television. Cameras all over the place.&quot;&lt;br&gt;And again, not just Russia, all over. Does anyone really believe that story? I'm also very much of a germaphobe, by the way, believe me.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/11/us/politics/trump-press-conference-transcript.html, Donald Trump Press Conference at Trump Tower] (11 January 2017)

[[File:Donald_Trump_delivering_inauguration_speech_01-20-17_(cropped).jpg|thumb|From this moment on, it's going to be America First.]][[File:2017_Presidential_Inauguration_CV6A0663.jpg|thumb|I looked out, the field was, looked like million, million and a half people.]]
* I looked out, the field was, looked like million, million and a half people. They showed a field where there was practically nobody standing there. And they said, &quot;Donald Trump did not draw well.&quot; I said, &quot;It was almost raining!&quot; The rain should've scared them away but God looked down and said we're not going to let it rain on your speech. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMBqDN7-QLg Trump speaking at the CIA Headquarters about his inauguration crowd and the press coverage], FOX 10 Phoenix (21 January 2017)

* But when you look at this tremendous sea of love — I call it a &quot;sea of love&quot; — it's really something special.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDvoBoxv028 Trump describing a framed photograph of his inauguration crowd during an interview with David Muir], ABC (25 January 2017)

* [About David Becker] He's grovelling again. You know, I always talk about the reporters that grovel when they want to write something that you want to hear but not necessarily millions of people want to hear or have to hear.
** [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38764653/ &quot;Trump's voter fraud talk has liberals worried&quot;], BBC (27 January 2017)

* We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our country the very threats our soldiers are fighting overseas.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/01/27/politics/trump-plans-to-sign-executive-action-on-refugees-extreme-vetting/ &quot;Trump signs executive order to keep out 'radical Islamic terrorists'&quot;], CNN (27 January 2017)

* I've always felt the need to pray...I would say that the office is so powerful that you need God even more.
** [http://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2017/january/worship-artist-credits-psalms-91-for-miraculous-cancer-healing Trump's interview with David Brody], CBN News (29 January 2017)

=====Inaugural address, (January 20, 2017)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/the-inaugural-address/ Transcript] (January 20, 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

*[[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]], [[Jimmy Carter|President Carter]], President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you. We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people. Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges, we will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. Every 4 years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and we are grateful to President Obama and [[Michelle Obama|First Lady Michelle Obama]] for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.
* Today's ceremony, however, has very special meaning. '''Because today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, DC, and giving it back to you, the people. For too long, a small group in our Nation's Capital has reaped the rewards of Government while the people have borne the cost. Washington flourished, but the people did not share in its wealth.''' '''Politicians prospered, but the jobs left, and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country.''' '''Their victories have not been your victories; their triumphs have not been your triumphs; and while they celebrated in our Nation's Capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.''' That all changes, starting right here and right now, because this moment is your moment: It belongs to you. It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country. What truly matters is not which party controls our Government, but whether our Government is controlled by the people. '''January 20, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this Nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. Everyone is listening to you now.'''
* '''You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens.''' Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves. These are just and reasonable demands of righteous people and a righteous public. But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our Nation; an [[Education in the United States|education system]], flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge; and the crime and the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. We are one Nation, and their pain is our pain, their dreams are our dreams, and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans.
* For many decades, we've enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military. We've defended other nations' borders while refusing to defend our own and spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas while America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. We've made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has dissipated over the horizon. One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world. But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future. '''We, assembled here today, are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this this day forward, it's going to be only America first. America first.''' Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families.
* We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for you with every breath in my body, and I will never, ever let you down. America will start winning again, winning like never before. We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful Nation. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work, rebuilding our country with American hands and American labor. We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and hire American. We will seek friendship and good will with the nations of the world, but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example—we will shine—for everyone to follow. '''We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth.''' '''At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. [[The Bible]] tells us, &quot;How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity.&quot; We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.''' There should be no fear: We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement, and most importantly, we will be protected by God.
* Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again. We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease, and to harness the energies, industries, and [[Technology|technologies]] of tomorrow. A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions.
* It's time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are Black or Brown or White, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, and we all salute the same great American flag. And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of [[Detroit]] or the windswept plains of [[w:Nebraska|Nebraska]], they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty Creator. So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words: You will never be ignored again. Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. '''Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. And, yes, together, we will make America great again.''' Thank you. God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you. God bless America.

====February 2017====
* I am very proud now that we have a museum on the National Mall where people can learn about [[Reverend King]], so many other things, [[Frederick Douglass]] is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice. [[Harriet Tubman]], [[Rosa Parks]], and millions more black Americans who made [[America] what it is today. Big impact
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/02/frederick-douglass-trump/515292/ Donald Trump's Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass] February 1, 2017

*As we celebrate National African American History Month, we recognize the heritage and achievements of African Americans.  The contributions African Americans have made and continue to make are an integral part of our society, and the history of African Americans exemplifies the resilience and innovative spirit that continue to make our Nation great
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/president-donald-j-trump-proclaims-february-national-african-american-history-month/ 2 February 2017]

* For us here in Washington, we must never ever stop asking God for the wisdom to serve the public according to His will. But we had tremendous success on ''The Apprentice'' and, when I ran for President, I had to leave the show, that's when I knew for sure I was doing it, and they hired a big, big movie star, [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]], to take my place, and we know how that turned out. The ratings went right down the tubes, it's been a total disaster, and [[w:Mark Burnett|Mark [Burnett]]] will never, ever bet against Trump again, and I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those rating, OK?
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyxacu5AslI Trump's &quot;National Prayer Breakfast&quot; speech] (2 February 2017)

* We have to be tough. It's time we're going to be a little bit tough, folks. We're taken advantage by every nation in the world, virtually. It's not going to happen anymore.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/feb/02/donald-trump-australia-refugees-malcolm-turnbull-phone-call White House suggests US may still accept Australia refugees despite clash] (2 February 2017)

* It's gotten to a point where it's not even being reported, and in many cases the very, very dishonest press doesn't want to report it. They have their reasons and you understand that.
** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38890090 Trump on the reporting of terrorist attacks during a speech given at MacDill Air Force Base] (6 February 2017)

* Who is the state senator? Do you want to give me his name? We'll destroy his career.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1SKm1hTWq0 Trump responding to Sheriff Harold Eavenson's statement] about a Texas state senator proposing legislation to require convictions before sheriffs could receive forfeiture money. (7 February 2017)

* I listened to a panel of judges and I'll comment on that — I will not comment on the statements made by, um, certainly one judge — but I have to be honest that if these judges wanted to, in my opinion, help the court, in terms of respect for the court, they'd do what they should be doing. I mean it's so sad, they should be, you know, when you read something so simple, and so beautifully written, and so perfectly written — other than the one statement, of course, having to do with &quot;he&quot; or &quot;she&quot; — but when you read something so perfectly written, and so clear to anybody, and then you have lawyers and you watched, I watched last night in amazement, and I heard things that I couldn't believe, things that really had nothing to do with what I just read, and I don't ever want to call a court biased, so I won't call it biased, and we haven't had a decision yet, but courts seem to be so political, and it would be so great for our justice system if they would be able to read a statement and do what's right.
* Every child in America should be able to play outside without fear, walk home without danger, and attend a school without being worried about drugs or gangs or violence.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/02/08/remarks-president-trump-mcca-winter-conference Remarks by President Trump at MCCA Winter Conference] (8 February 2017)

* Well I just want to say that we are, you know, very honored by the victory that we had, 306 electoral college votes, we were not supposed to crack 220, you [turning to the [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Israeli PM]]] know that right? There was no way to 221, but then they said there's no way to 270 [Netanyahu tries to respond, but Trump continues, so then mouths &quot;I thought he was talking to me&quot;] and there's tremendous enthusiasm out there. I will say that, um, we are going to have peace, in this country, we are going to stop crime, in this country, we are going to do everything within our power to stop long-simmering racism, and every other thing that's going on, because a lot of bad things have been taking place over a long period of time. I think one of the reasons I won the election is we have a very, very divided nation, very divided, and hopefully I'll be able to do something about that, and I, you know, it's something that was very important to me. As far as people, Jewish people, so many friends, a daughter who happens to be here right now, a son-in-law, and three beautiful grandchildren, I think that you're going to see a lot different United States of America over the next three, four, or eight years, er, I think a lot of good things are happening, and you're going to see a lot of love, you're going to see a lot of love.
** Trump responding to a reporter's question about rising anti-Semitic incidents and a perception of xenophobia in his administration, during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmfseeZt5fA joint press conference with Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel] (15 February 2017)

* The press has become so dishonest that if we don't talk about, we are doing a tremendous disservice to the American people. Tremendous disservice. We have to talk to find out what's going on, because the press honestly is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.
* I guess it was the [[wikipedia:List_of_United_States_presidential_elections_by_Electoral_College_margin|biggest Electoral College win]] since Ronald Reagan.
* This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.
[[File:Michael_Flynn_(30020745053).jpg|thumb|Mike Flynn is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation.]]
* [[Michael T. Flynn|Mike Flynn]] is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation. He respectfully gave it. He is a man who there was a certain amount of information given to [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]], who is with us today. And I was not happy with the way that information was given. He didn't have to do that, because what he did wasn't wrong. What he did in terms of the information he saw. What was wrong was the way that other people, including yourselves in this room, were given that information, because that was classified information that was given illegally. That's the real problem.
* Look, when I go to rallies, they turn around, they start screaming at [[CNN]]. They want to throw their placards at CNN. You know. I think you would do much better by being different.
* Tomorrow, they will say, &quot;Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.&quot; I'm not ranting and raving. I'm just telling you. You know, you're dishonest people. But, but I'm not ranting and raving. I love this. I'm having a good time doing it. But tomorrow, the headlines are going to be, &quot;Donald Trump rants and raves.&quot; I'm not ranting and raving.
[[File:HEUraniumC.jpg|thumb|You know what uranium is, right? It's a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.]]
* You know what [[w:Uranium|uranium]] is, right? It's a thing called [[nuclear weapons]] and other things like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.
* In the meantime, [[Mosul]] is very, very difficult. Do you know why? Because I don't talk about military, and I don't talk about certain other things, you're going to be surprised to hear that. And by the way, my whole campaign, I'd say that. So I don't have to tell you. I don't want to be one of these guys that say, &quot;Yes, here's what we're going to do.&quot; I don't have to do that. I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do in [[North Korea]]. Wait a minute. I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do in North Korea. And I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do with Iran. You know why? Because they shouldn't know. And eventually, you guys are going to get tired of asking that question.
* Where are you from? [The reporter responds that he is from the BBC] Here's another beauty.
* Do you want to set up the meeting? Are they friends of yours? [Addressing an African-American reporter and referring to the [[w:Congressional_Black_Caucus|Congressional Black Caucus]]]
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/16/us/politics/donald-trump-press-conference-transcript.html?_r=0 Comments made during a news conference at the White House] (16 February 2017)

*I am the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life
**17 February 2017 per [https://www.cnbc.com/2017/02/16/donald-trump-i-am-the-least-anti-semitic-racist-person-that-youve-ever-seen.html CNBC]

* You look at what's happening {{w|last night in Sweden}}. Sweden! Who would believe this, Sweden! They took in large numbers, they're having problems like they never thought possible.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMLK15edOUY Trump speaking at mass rally of his supporters in Melbourne, Florida] (18 February 2017)

* And I want you all to know that we are fighting the [[fake news]]. It's fake, phony, fake. A few days ago I called the fake news the [[wikipedia:enemy of the people|enemy of the people]], and they are, they are the enemy of the people.
* They shouldn't be allowed to use sources unless they use somebody's name. Let their name be put out there. Let their name be put out.
* I love [[Sweden]], great country, great people, I love Sweden. But they understand, the people over there understand I'm right. Take a look at [[wikipedia:Crime in Sweden|what's happening in Sweden]].
* I have a friend, he's a very, very substantial guy. He loves the city of lights, he loves [[Paris]]. For years, every year during the summer, he would go to Paris, was automatic with his wife and his family. Hadn't seen him in a while and I said, Jim, let me ask you a question, how's Paris doing? &quot;Paris? I don't go there anymore, Paris is no longer Paris.&quot;
** [http://time.com/4682023/cpac-donald-trump-speech-transcript/ Trump speaking at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference] (24 February 2017)

* It's an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2017/feb/27/trump-healthcare-complicated-budget-video Speaking at the National Governors Association meeting at the White House] (27 February 2017)

*Nations around the world, like [[Canada]], [[Australia]] and many others – have a merit-based immigration system. It is a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially,&lt;br&gt;Yet, in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;With the help of Prime Minister [[Justin Trudeau]], we have formed a Council with our neighbors in Canada to help ensure that women entrepreneurs have access to the networks, markets and capital they need to start a business and live out their financial dreams&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;It is not compassionate, but reckless, to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur,&lt;br&gt;We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America -- we cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists.
**[https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/us-politics/donald-trump-congress-speech-immigration/article34158135/ 28 February 2017, per Globe and Mail]

====March 2017====
* As we stand together with our Irish friends, I'm reminded of that proverb – and this is a good one, this is one I like, I've heard it for many many years and I love it – &quot;Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.&quot; We know that, politically speaking, a lot of us know that, we know it well, it's a great phrase.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/mar/17/trumps-irish-proverb-causes-derision-on-the-web Trump speaking during a visit of Enda Kenny, the then Irish head of government] (17 March 2017)

====April 2017====
*Let's fucking kill him! Let's go in. Let's kill the fucking lot of them.
**About [[Bashar al-Assad]], as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/bob-woodwards-new-book-reveals-a-nervous-breakdown-of-trumps-presidency/2018/09/04/b27a389e-ac60-11e8-a8d7-0f63ab8b1370_story.html?noredirect=on&amp;utm_term=.f1bf8ed6690c &quot;Bob Woodward's new book reveals a ‘nervous breakdown' of Trump's presidency&quot;] (4 September 2018), by Philip Rucker and Robert Costa, ''The Washington Post''
*Today's chemical attack in Syria against innocent people, including women and children, is reprehensible and cannot be ignored by the civilized world. These heinous actions by the [[Bashar al-Assad]] regime are a consequence of the past administration's weakness and irresolution. President Obama said in 2012 that he would establish a &quot;red line&quot; against the use of chemical weapons and then did nothing. The United States stands with our allies across the globe to condemn this intolerable attack.
**[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-the-chemical-weapons-attack-khan-sheikhoun-syria Statement on the Chemical Weapons Attack in Khan Sheikhoun, Syria], ''American Presidency Project'', (6 September 2017)

* It was a slow and brutal death for so many…Even beautiful babies were cruelly murdered in this very barbaric attack.
** President Trump on Syria's chemical weapons attack, [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/trump-blasts-syria-murdering-civilians-u-s-strike-article-1.3027449 &quot;President Trump blasts Syria for 'cruelly murdering' its own people as U.S. fires at least 50 missiles at airfield&quot;], 6 April 2017.

* We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President [[Xi Jinping|Xi]] was enjoying it.
* So what happens is, I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq. [Interviewer interrupts to correct him] Yes, heading toward Syria.
** President Trump explaining his decision to launch a missile strike while dining with Chinese President Xi Jinping, [http://www.cnn.com/2017/04/12/politics/donald-trump-xi-jingping-syria-chocolate-cake/ &quot;Trump, Xi talked Syria strike over 'beautiful' chocolate cake&quot;], 12 April 2017.

* So this is promoting agriculture and rural prosperity in America. And, now, there's a lot of words I won't bother reading everything.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/04/25/remarks-president-trump-farmers-roundtable-and-executive-order-signing Remarks by President Trump in Farmers Roundtable and Executive Order Signing Promoting Agriculture and Rural Prosperity in America] (April 25, 2017)

[[File:Shinzō_Abe_and_Donald_Trump_in_Palm_Beach_(3).jpeg|thumb|I thought it would be easier.]]
* I thought it would be easier.
** [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-100days-idUSKBN17U0CA Trump discussing his first 100 days in interview with Reuters] (April 27, 2017)

* I think we've done more than perhaps any president in the first 100 days.... Not since [President] [[Harry Truman]] has anybody done so much.
** Interview with President Trump, [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/full-interview-with-president-trump-on-his-first-100-days/article/2621516 &quot;Full interview with President Trump on his first 100 days&quot;], 28 April 2017.

====May 2017====
* People don't realize, you know, the [[American Civil War|Civil War]], if you think about it, why?
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-why-couldn-t-civil-war-have-been-avoided-n753241 Trump: Why Couldn't the Civil War Have Been Avoided?] (May 1, 2017)
* No American should be forced to choose between the dictates of the federal government and the tenets of their faith.
** [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/05/04/what-trump-understands-about-religious-liberty-in-america.html What Trump understands about religious liberty in America?] (May 4, 2017)

[[File:James_Comey_official_portrait.jpg|thumb|I just fired the head of the F.B.I. He was crazy, a real nut job.]]
* I just fired the [[James Comey|head of the F.B.I.]] He was crazy, a real nut job.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I faced great pressure because of Russia. That's taken off.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm not under investigation.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/19/us/politics/trump-russia-comey.html Part of Trump's conversation with Russian officials invited to the White House], according to the official account of the meeting (10 May 2017)
* Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven't heard it. I mean, I just... I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It's what you have to do.
** [http://www.economist.com/Trumptranscript Trump claiming to have invented the term &quot;prime the pump&quot;] in the context of [[wikipedia:Stimulus_(economics)|economic stimulus]] during an interview published in [[The Economist]] (11 May 2017)
* And in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, &quot;You know, this Russia thing, with Trump and Russia, is a made-up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election.&quot;
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/president-trump-this-russia-thing-is-a-made-up-story-941962819745 Trump admitting in an interview with NBC's Lester Holt] that annoyance at federal investigations was a motivation for firing FBI Director James Comey (11 May 2017)
* Nothing is easier or more pathetic than being a critic. Because they're people that can't get the job done. But the future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their heart no matter what the critics say.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B421uhrOV-o&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=12m34s Liberty University commencement speech] (13 May 2017)
* Look at the way I have been treated lately, especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse, or more unfairly.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2017/may/17/donald-trump-media-coast-guard-speech-video Trump being a critic of the media during his speech at the US Coast Guard Academy commencement ceremony] (17 May 2017)
* Oh my God.  This is terrible.  '''This is the end of my Presidency.  I'm fucked.''' 
** On the appointment of a special counsel in the Russia investigation.  As quoted in [[:commons:File:Report On The Investigation Into Russian Interference In The 2016 Presidential Election.pdf|&quot;Report On The Investigation Into Russian Interference In The 2016 Presidential Election&quot;]] by Robert S. Mueller III, Volume II, page 78. 
* So many young, beautiful, innocent people living and enjoying their lives murdered by evil losers in life, I won't call them monsters because they would like that term. They would think that's a great name. I will call them from now on losers because that's what they are. They're losers. And we'll have more of them. But they're losers—just remember that.
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/05/trump-manchester-losers/527745/]

====June 2017====
* I was elected represent the citizens of [[Pittsburgh]], not Paris.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/06/01/statement-president-trump-paris-climate-accord Statement by President Trump on the Paris Climate Accord], announcing his intention to withdraw the US from the {{w|Paris Agreement}} (1 June 2017)

* History is written by the dreamers, not the doubters.
[[File:Family trump in the Easter Egg Roll (cropped).jpg|thumb|I love all people, rich or poor, but in those particular positions I just don't want a poor person.]]
* I love all people, rich or poor, but in those particular positions I just don't want a poor person.
* We're thinking about building the wall as a solar wall, so it [[wikipedia:Conservation of energy|creates energy]], and pays for itself. And this way Mexico will have to pay much less money, and that's good, right, is that good? You're the first group I've told that to, a solar wall, makes sense, let's see, we're working it out, we'll see, solar wall, panels, beautiful. I mean actually think of it, the higher it goes the more valuable it is, it's like... pretty good imagination ''[points to his own head]'', right, good? My idea.
** [http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/06/21/president-trump-holds-iowa-rally-live-blog.html President Trump Holds a Rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa] (21 June 2017)
* Well I didn't tape him — you never know what's happening, when you see that the Obama administration, and perhaps longer than that, was doing all of this unmasking and, er, surveillance, and you read all about it, and I've been reading about for the last couple of months about the seriousness of the, and horrible situation, with surveillance all over the place, and you've been hearing the word 'unmasking', a word you probably never heard before, so you never know what's out there — but I didn't tape, and I don't have any tape, and I didn't tape.
* Well, er, it wasn't, er, it wasn't very stupid, I can tell you that. ''[In response to the interviewer suggesting that his tweeting that there were tapes was a smart tactic]''
** [http://insider.foxnews.com/2017/06/23/trump-comey-tapes-tweet-mueller-probe-fox-friends-interview Trump interviewed by Ainsley Earhardt on Fox &amp; Friends] (23 June 2017)
* I heard poorly rated [[Joe Scarborough|@Morning_Joe]] speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/business/media/trump-mika-brzezinski-facelift.html Trump Mocks Mika Brzezinski] (29 June 2017)

[[File:Donald_Trump_(29273256122)_-_Cropped.jpg|thumb|The human soul yearns for discovery. By unlocking the mysteries of the universe, we unlock truths within ourselves.]]
* The human soul yearns for discovery.  By unlocking the mysteries of the universe, we unlock truths within ourselves.  That's true.  Our journey into space will not only make us stronger and more prosperous, but will unite us behind grand ambitions and bring us all closer together.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Can you believe that space is going to do that?  I thought politics would do that.  (Laughter.)  Well, we'll have to rely on space instead. 
* Every launch into the skies is another step forward toward a future where our differences seem small against the vast expanse of our common [[humanity]].  Sometimes you have to view things from a distance in order to see the real truth.  It is America's destiny to be at the forefront of humanity's eternal quest for knowledge and to be the leader amongst nations on our adventure into the great unknown.
* [[Space]]. A lotta room out there, right? ''[Buzz Aldrin interjects: To infinity and beyond!]'' This is [[infinity]], it could be infinity, we don't really don't know, but it could be, there's gotta be something, but it could be infinity, right?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/06/30/remarks-president-signing-executive-order-national-space-council Trump speaking while signing an Executive Order on the National Space Council] (30 June 2017)

====July 2017====
* The fundamental question of our time is whether the West has the will to survive. Do we have the confidence in our values to defend them at any cost? Do we have enough respect for our citizens to protect our borders? Do we have the desire and the courage to preserve our civilization in the face of those who would subvert and destroy it?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/07/06/remarks-president-trump-people-poland-july-6-2017 Remarks by President Trump to the People of Poland] (6 July 2017)

* ...let Obamacare fail, it will be a lot easier. And I think we're probably in that position where we'll let Obamacare fail. We're not going to own it. I'm not going to own it. I can tell you the Republicans are not going to own it. We'll let Obamacare fail, and then the Democrats are going to come to us.
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2017-07-18}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2017-07-18|author=Thomas Kaplan|title=‘Let Obamacare Fail,’ Trump Says as G.O.P. Health Bill Collapses|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/18/us/politics/republicans-obamacare-repeal-now-replace-later.html}}

* I am disappointed in the [[w:United States Attorney General|Attorney General]], he should not have [[wikipedia:Judicial_disqualification|recused himself]], almost immediately after he took office, and if he was going to recuse himself he should have told me prior to taking office, and I would have quite simply picked somebody else, so I think that's a bad thing, not for the President but for the presidency, I think it's unfair to the presidency, and that's the way I feel.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgImDKyPZwg Trump responding to a question] about [[Jeff Sessions]] in a White House press briefing (25 July 2017)

* I said please [[w:Police brutality in the United States|don't be too nice]]. Like when you guys put somebody in the car, and you're protecting their head, you know, the way you put the hand over, like, don't hit their head, and they've just killed somebody, don't hit their head? I said, you can take the hand away, OK.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFgjNPiq9Cw Speaking to police officers] at Suffolk County Community College, Long Island (28 July 2017)

=====2017 National Scout Jamboree (July 24, 2017)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TplF26czQVE Trump inspiring young people at the 2017 National Scout Jamboree] (24 July 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

* I said, who the hell wants to speak about politics when I'm in front of the boy scouts, right?

* You know, I go to Washington and I see all these politicians, and I see the swamp, and it's not a good place, in fact, today I said we ought to change it from the word 'swamp' to the word 'cesspool' or perhaps to the word 'sewer'. But it's not good, not good.

* Secretary [[Tom Price (U.S. politician)|Tom Price]] is also here. Today Dr. Price still lives the scout oath, helping to keep millions of Americans strong and healthy as our Secretary of Health and Human Services, and he's doing a great job. And, hopefully, he's going to get the votes tomorrow to start our path toward killing this horrible thing known as Obamacare that's really hurting us, folks. By the way, you going to get the votes? He better get them. He better get them. Oh, he better, otherwise I'll say, &quot;Tom, you're fired.&quot;

* Turn those cameras back there, please, that is so incredible. By the way, what do you think the chances are that this incredible, massive crowd, record-setting is going to be shown on television tonight? 1% or zero? The fake media will say, &quot;President Trump&quot;, and you know what this is, &quot;President Trump spoke before a small crowd of boy scouts today.&quot;

* By the way, just a question, did President Obama ever come to a jamboree?

* And you know we have a tremendous disadvantage in the electoral college, popular vote is much easier.

====August 2017====
* [[North Korea]] best not make any more {{w|Nuclear power in North Korea|threats to the United States}}. They will be met with '''fire and fury like the world has never seen'''. He has been very threatening beyond a normal state. They will be met with '''fire, fury, and frankly power''' the likes of which this world has never seen before.
** Comment on North Korean nuclear tests, made during a public meeting on the {{W|opioid epidemic}}.
** [http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/09/politics/trump-fire-fury-improvise-north-korea/index.html Trump's 'fire and fury' remark was improvised but familiar], CNN. August 9, 2017.

* We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides [repeat intentional]. This had been going on for a long time in our country. Not Donald Trump, not Barack Obama. A long, long time.
** First statement regarding White Nationalist Rally terrorism in Charlottesville, VA. [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/aug/12/charlottesville-protest-trump-condemns-violence-many-sides]. The Guardian. (12 August 2017) 

* [[Racism]] is evil -- and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including [[Ku Klux Klan|KKK]], [[neo-Nazis]], [[White supremacy|white supremacists]], and other hate groups are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans. Those who spread violence in the name of bigotry strike at the very core of America. As a candidate I promised to restore law and order to our country and our federal [[Law enforcement in the United States|law enforcement]] agencies are following through on that pledge. We will spare no resource in fighting so that every American child can grow up free from violence and fear. We will defend and protect the sacred rights of all Americans and we will work together so that every citizen in this blessed land is free to follow their dreams, in their hearts, and to express the love and joy in our souls.
** Subsequent statement regarding the violence at a [[wikipedia:far-right|far-right]] [[wikipedia:2017 Unite the Right rally|Charlottesville, VA rally]] held on August 11-12, 2017;  [http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/14/politics/trump-condemns-charlottesville-attackers/index.html Trump calls KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists 'repugnant'] (14 August 2017)

* '''Yes, I think there's blame on both sides, you look at, you look at both sides, I think there's blame on both sides, and I have no doubt about it, and you don't have any doubt about it either.''' And if you reported it accurately, you would say...[Reporter: The neo-Nazis started this thing. They showed up in Charlottesville. They... (Reporters crosstalk)] Excuse me. Excuse me. '''They didn't put themselves down as [[neo-Nazis]].''' And you had some very bad people in that group. '''But you also had people that were very fine people, on both sides.''' You had people in that group — excuse me, excuse me — I saw the same pictures as you did. You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from [[Robert E. Lee]] to another name. [Reporters crosstalk] [[George Washington]] was a slave owner. Was George Washington a slave owner? So will George Washington now lose his status? Are we going to take down — excuse me — are we going to take down, are we going to take down statues to George Washington? How about [[Thomas Jefferson]]? What do you think of Thomas Jefferson? You like him. Good. Are we going to take down his statue, because he was a major slave-owner? Are we going to take down his statue? So you know what, it's fine. You are changing history, you are changing culture. You had people — and '''I'm not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally''' — but you had '''many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and [[White nationalism|white nationalists]]''', OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly. Now, in the other group also, you had some fine people but you also had troublemakers and you see them come with '''the black outfits and with the helmets and with the baseball bats'''. You had a lot of bad people in the other group too.
* The statement I made on Saturday, the first statement, was a fine statement.
** [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-virginia-protests-idUSKCN1AV0WT Trump, again, casts blame on both sides for deadly violence in Virginia] at a press briefing in Trump Tower, New York (15 August 2017) Transcripts: [https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/read-the-transcript-of-donald-trumps-jaw-dropping-press-conference.html] [https://www.vox.com/2017/8/15/16154028/trump-press-conference-transcript-charlottesville]

====September 2017====
* The [[w:Venezuelan crisis|problem in Venezuela]] is not that [[socialism]] has been poorly implemented. It's that socialism has been faithfully implemented.
** In his [[wikisource:Remarks by President Trump to the 72nd Session of the United Nations General Assembly|first address to the United Nations]]. (19 September 2017)

* The only thing you could do better is if you see it, even if it's one player, leave the stadium, I guarantee things will stop. Things will stop. Just pick up and leave. Pick up and leave. Not the same game anymore anyway. Wouldn't you love to see one of these [[National Football League|NFL]] owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, you'd say, 'Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out! He's fired. He's fired!
** Referring at a rally in Huntsville, AL to [[wikipedia:U.S. national anthem protests (2016–present)|protests by NFL players]] against the U.S. flag.
** {{citation |date=2017-09-22 |title=Donald Trump Called for NFL Players to Be Fired for National Anthem Kneeling — And They Responded |author=Aric Jenkins |periodical=Fortune |url=http://fortune.com/2017/09/23/donald-trump-nfl-players-anthem-response/}}

* All appropriate departments of our government from Homeland Security to Defense are engaged fully in the disaster and the response and recovery effort probably has never been seen for something like this. This is [[Puerto Rico|an island]] surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.
** Regarding {{w|Hurricane Maria}}
** {{citation |date=2017-09-29 |title=Donald Trump says Puerto Rico is 'an island surrounded by big water' |author=Emily Shugerman |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-puerto-rico-hurricane-maria-comments-island-big-water-a7975011.html}}

====October 2017====
* You guys know what this represents? Maybe it's the calm before the storm. ''[Reporter: What's the storm?]'' Could be the calm, the calm, before the storm. ''[Reporter: What storm Mr. President?]'' We have the world's great military people in this room, I'll tell you that, and we're going to have a great evening. ''[Reporter: What storm Mr. President?]'' You'll find out.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2017/10/06/trump-gathers-with-military-leaders-says-maybe-its-the-calm-before-the-storm/ Speaking during a photo op at the White House] (6 October 2017)
* The media is — really, the word, I think one of the greatest of all terms I've come up with is &quot;fake&quot;. I guess other people have used it, perhaps, over the years, but I've never noticed it.
** {{citation |date=2017-10-08 |title=Donald Trump defends paper towels in Puerto Rico, says Stephen Paddock was ‘probably smart' in bizarre TV interview: Analysis |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=TheStar.com |url=https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2017/10/08/donald-trump-defends-paper-towels-in-puerto-rico-says-stephen-paddock-was-probably-smart-in-bizarre-tv-interview-analysis.html}}
*Chain migration is one of the disasters. You allow one person and in that one person brings in 10 or 12 people
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 11 October 2017] being interviewed by [[Sean Hannity]]
* And we see it in the mothers and the fathers who get up at the crack of dawn; they work two jobs and sometimes three jobs. They sacrifice every day for the furniture and — future of their children.
** [https://www.palmerreport.com/opinion/random-words-donald-trump/5573/ Remarks by President Trump at the 2017 Values Voter Summit] (13 October 2017)
* Just out report: &quot;United Kingdom crime rises 13% annually amid spread of Radical Islamic terror.&quot; Not good, we must keep America safe!
** [https://www.snopes.com/trump-uk-terrorism/ Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (20 October 2017)
* We have a very good relationship. People say we have the best relationship of any President-President, because he's called President also. Now some people might call him the King of China, but he's called President.
** [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2017/10/25/full_lou_dobbs_interview_trump_asks_what_could_be_more_fake_than_cbs_nbc_abc_and_cnn.html Interviewed by Lou Dobbs on Fox Business on the subject of Xi Jinping] (25 October 2017)

====November 2017====
* Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me &quot;old,&quot; when I would NEVER call him &quot;short and fat?&quot; Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
** {{citation |date=2017-11-08 |title=Donald Trump calls Kim Jong-un ‘short and fat’ and says he’s ‘trying hard to be his friend’ |author=Corey Charlton |periodical=The Sun |url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/4895959/donald-trump-calls-kim-jong-un-short-and-fat-and-says-hes-trying-hard-to-be-his-friend/}}

*India has a true friend in the [[White House]].
** Donald Trump,  November 28, 2017  [http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-has-true-friend-at-white-house-says-ivanka-trump-at-global-entrepreneurship-summit-full-text-ivanka-trump/ Indian Express India has true friends in White House, says Ivanka Trump at Global Entrepreneurship Summit]

====December 2017====
*He killed many people, ran them over. Chain migration. According to chain migration, he may have as many as 22 to 24 people that came in with him. His grandfather, his grandmother, his mother, his father, his brother, his sisters. We have to end chain migration. We have to end chain migration.
**[https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2017/12/08/trump-time-congress-adopt-pro-american-immigration-agenda/ 8 December 2017]

===2018===
====January 2018====

* The United States has foolishly given [[Pakistan]] more than 33 billion dollars in [[Foreign aid|aid]] over the last 15 years, they have given us nothing but lies and deceit, thinking of our leaders as fools. They give safe haven to the [[Islamic terrorism|terrorists]] we hunt in [[Afghanistan]], with little help. No more!
** CNN: Trump's first 2018 tweet: Pakistan has 'given us nothing but lies &amp; deceit' [https://edition.cnn.com/2018/01/01/politics/donald-trump-2018-pakistan/index.html], The Independent  [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-pakistan-tweet-lies-deceit-aid-us-president-terrorism-aid-a8136516.html]

* The libel laws are very weak in this country. If they were strong, it would be very helpful. You wouldn't have things like that happen where you can say whatever comes to your head.
** Response to a question regarding Michael Wolff's ''Fire and Fury'', [https://factba.se/transcript/donald-trump-remarks-questions-camp-david-gop-retreat-january-6-2018 Camp David speech] (6 January 2018)

*I get exercise. I mean I walk, I this, I that. I run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think.&lt;br&gt;A lot of people go to the gym and they’ll work out for two hours and all. I’ve seen people ... then they get their new knees when they’re 55 years old and they get their new hips and they do all those things. I don’t have those problems.&lt;br&gt;I guess they all realized they’re going to have to leave it to a president that scored the highest on tests. What can I tell you?&lt;br&gt;I was on a treadmill for the first time actually in quite a while, and it was at a very steep angle, and I was there for a very long time.&lt;br&gt;They were surprised. And they said, ‘Well you can stop now, that’s amazing.’ And I said, ‘I can go much longer than this if you want me to.&lt;br&gt;I’ve always been more of a believer in diet ‘cause I’m strong, you know? I hit the ball far. I mean, I’m strong, physically.&lt;br&gt;The people that do the food at the White House are extraordinary, but I think they can maybe make the portions a little bit smaller and maybe we’ll cut out some of the more fattening ingredients, and I’m okay with that.
**17 January 2018 [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-fitness/exclusive-exercise-i-get-more-than-people-think-trump-says-idUSKBN1F633B interview with Reuters]

*Right now, in a number of states, the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother's womb in the ninth month. It is wrong, it has to change.
**As quoted in [http://mashable.com/2018/01/19/trump-march-for-life-childbirth/#NXYV1ubFzSqW &quot;Trump just basically said he's anti-childbirth&quot;] (19 January 2018), by Rachel Kraus, ''Mashable''

* If you're telling me they're horrible people, horrible racist people, I [[w:Non-apology apology|would certainly apologize]], if you'd like me to do that.
** [http://www.itv.com/goodmorningbritain/news/piers-morgan-donald-trump-says-sorry-to-britain Interviewed on Good Morning Britain] about his [[w:Donald_Trump_on_social_media#Britain_First_videos|retweeting of inflammatory and unverified anti-Muslim videos from Britain First]] the previous November (26 January 2018)

* ''[Interviewer: Do you believe in climate change? Do you think it exists?]'' Er, there is a cooling and there is a heating, and I mean, look, [[w:Climate_change#Terminology|it used to not be climate change, it used to be global warming]]. ''[Interviewer: Right.]'' Right? That wasn't working too well, because it was getting too cold all over the place. The ice caps were going to melt, they were going to be gone by now, but now they're setting records, OK, [[w:Retreat_of_glaciers_since_1850|they're at a record level]].
** [https://www.itv.com/news/2018-01-29/what-we-learned-from-donald-trumps-interview-with-itv/ Interviewed on British TV] (28 January 2018)

*in recent weeks, two terrorist attacks in New York were made possible by the visa lottery and chain migration
**[https://www.breitbart.com/live/state-union-fact-check-analysis-livewire/fact-check-yes-nyc-terrorists-entered-u-s-chain-migration-visa-lottery/ 30 January 2018]

*we celebrate National African American History Month to honor the significant contributions African Americans have made to our great Nation
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/president-donald-j-trump-proclaims-february-2018-national-african-american-history-month/ 31 January 2018]
***reposted on Twitter [https://twitter.com/statedept/status/959192815313080323 1 Feb 2018 by @StateDept] and [https://twitter.com/whitehouse/status/959481056373149696 2 Feb 2018 by @WhiteHouse]

====February 2018====
[[File:State_of_the_Union_(39974380282).jpg|thumb|Can we call that treason, why not?]]
* You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild, they loved everything, they wanna do something great for our country, and you have the other side, even on positive news, really positive news, like that, they were like death, and [[w:Un-American|un-American]], un-American. Somebody said treasonous, I mean, yeah I guess, why not? Can we call that [[w:Treason_laws_in_the_United_States|treason]], why not?
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjwPiE1wCU0 Speaking in Cincinnati about Democrats did not clap] during his [[w:State of the Union|State of the Union Address]] (5 February 2018)

*My administration has identified three major priorities for creating a safe, modern, and lawful immigration system: fully securing the border, ending chain migration, and canceling the visa lottery. Chain migration is a disaster, and very unfair to our country. The visa lottery is something that should have never been allowed in the first place. People enter a lottery to come into our country. What kind of a system is that? It is time for Congress to act and to protect Americans.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 10 February 2018]

* I never said &quot;give teachers guns&quot; like was stated on Fake News @CNN &amp; @NBC. What I said was to look at the possibility of giving &quot;concealed guns to gun adept teachers with military or special training experience - only the best. 20% of teachers, a lot, would now be able to...
* ... immediately fire back if a savage sicko came to a school with bad intentions. Highly trained teachers would also serve as a deterrent to the cowards that do this. Far more assets at much less cost than guards. A &quot;gun free&quot; school is a magnet for bad people. ATTACKS WOULD END!
** Tweets (February 22, 2018), as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-defends-arming-teachers-protect-students-sicko-shooter-n850216 &quot;Trump defends arming teachers, applauds NRA&quot;] ''NBC News'' (February 22, 2018)

* Because in America people don't worship government. They worship God.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsUZCo7hasI CPAC conference] (23 February 2018)

* Or, Mike, take the firearms first and then go to court, because that’s another system. Because a lot of times, by the time you go to court, it takes so long to go to court, to get the due process procedures. '''I like taking the guns early.''' Like in this crazy man’s case that just took place in [[Florida]], he had a lot of firearms – they saw everything – to go to court would have taken a long time, so you could do exactly what you’re saying, '''but take the guns first, go through due process second.'''
** meeting on gun violence Feb. 28, 2018[https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2021/10/14/fact-check-trump-made-comment-taking-guns-without-due-process/6070319001/][https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4907473/user-clip-trump-pence-feb-28-2018][https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trump-said-i-like-taking-the-guns-early-not-harris/]

====March 2018====
* Don't forget China's great, and [[Xi Jinping|Xi]] is a great gentleman. He's now president for life. President for life. And he's great. And look, he was able to do that. I think it’s great. Maybe we'll have to give that a shot someday.
** Fundraiser, Mar-a-Lago, quoted in {{citation|date=2018-03-03|author=Kevin Liptak|title=Trump on China's Xi consolidating power: 'Maybe we'll give that a shot some day'|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/03/politics/trump-maralago-remarks/index.html}}

====April 2018====
* I want to thank the White House Historical Association and all of the people that work so hard with [[Melania Trump|Melania]], with everybody, to keep this incredible house or building, or whatever you want to call it — because there really is no name for it; it is special — and we keep it in tip-top shape. We call it sometimes tippy-top shape. And it's a great, great place. 
** Referring to the [[White House]], during a speech given for Easter (April 2, 2018)

*And chain migration -- think of that. So you come in, and now you can bring your family, and then you can bring your mother and your father. You can bring your grandmother. You can bring your this; you can bring -- we had somebody on the West Side Highway, which I know very well -- in Manhattan -- he ran over -- I think he killed about eight people
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 5 April 2018]

====May 2018====
[[File:Protests after US decision to withdraw from JCPOA, around former US embassy, Tehran - 8 May 2018 26.jpg|thumb|We will not allow [[:w:Government of Islamic Republic of Iran|a regime]] that chants &quot;[[Death to America]]&quot; to gain access to [[:w:Nuclear program of Iran|the most deadly weapons on Earth]].]]
* America will not be held hostage to nuclear blackmail. We will not allow American cities to be threatened with destruction. And '''we will not allow a regime that chants &quot;[[Death to America]]&quot; to gain access to the most deadly weapons on Earth.'''
** statement on the [[:w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Iran nuclear deal]] on May 8, 2018 [https://www.vox.com/world/2018/5/8/17332494/read-trump-iran-nuclear-deal-speech-full-text-announcement-transcript vox.com]

====June 2018====
*In the meantime, people are suffering because of the Democrats. So we've created, and they've created, and they've let it happen — a massive child-smuggling industry.  That's exactly what it's become.  Traffickers — if you think about this — human traffickers are making a fortune.  It's a disgrace. These loopholes force the release of alien families and minors into the country when they illegally cross the border.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-cabinet-meeting-9/ Remarks by President Trump at Cabinet Meeting Issued on: June 21, 2018]

====July 2018====
* but we have to do it gently because we're in the #MeToo generation, so we have to be very gentle.&lt;br&gt;we will very gently take that kit, and we will slowly toss it, hoping it doesn't hit her and injure her arm.
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-mocks-metoo-movement-in-montana-rally/2018/07/05/fad40ce2-80b3-11e8-b660-4d0f9f0351f1_story.html?noredirect=on 5 July 2018 per Washington Post]
* Allowing the immigration to take place in [[Europe]] is a shame. I think it changed the fabric of Europe and, unless you act very quickly, it's never going to be what it was and I don't mean that in a positive way. So I think allowing millions and millions of people to come into Europe is very, very sad. I think you are losing your culture.
** [https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6766531/trump-may-brexit-us-deal-off/ Interview with ''The Sun''] (13 July 2018)
* The border with the [[Sahara]] can't be bigger than ours with [[Mexico]].
** In a phone call to [[Spain]]'s foreign minister, [[Josep Borrell]], in the context of Trump's idea for Spain to build a border wall across Sahara dessert to stem Spain's Mediterranean migrant crisis.[https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/09/20/trump-spain-wall-sahara-desert/1365944002/ Foreign minister: Trump advised Spain to build wall across Sahara to stop migrants]

* To [[Hassan Rouhani|Iranian President Rouhani]]: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE &amp; DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/01/covfefe-trump-typo-turned-meme/579763/ The Atlantic: &quot;Six Hours and Three Minutes of Internet Chaos&quot;]

* What you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's happening
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2018-07-24 |title= 'What You're Seeing... Is Not What's Happening.' People Are Comparing This Trump Quote to George Orwell |author=Mahita Gajanan |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5347737/trump-quote-george-orwell-vfw-speech/}}

* We're ordering 147 new F-35 Lightning fighters. This is an incredible [[Airplane|plane]]. It's stealth; you can't see it. So when I talk to even people from the other side, they're trying to order our plane. They like the fact that you can't see it. I said, 'How would it do in battle with your plane?' They say, 'Well, we have one problem: We can't see your plane.'
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2018-07-24 |title= Trump Keeps Saying the F-35 Is Invisible |author=Kyle Mizokami |periodical=Popular Mechanics |url=https://www.popularmechanics.com/military/aviation/amp33658771/trump-keeps-saying-the-f-35-is-invisible/}}

====August 2018====
* You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID.  You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture.  The only time you don’t need it in many cases is when you want to vote for a president, when you want to vote for a senator, when you want to vote for a governor or a congressman. It’s crazy.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2018/08/01/politics/trump-grocery-shopping-id/index.html &quot;Trump claims you need ID to buy groceries. You do not.&quot;], ''CNN'' (August 21, 2018)

*We have the worst laws! How about chain migration? One person comes in and you end up with 32 people. The person that ran down 18 people on the West Side Highway, he's allowed to have -- and I think eight died. He has 22 members of his family in the United States because of chain migration. So we have to change this stuff, Rush,
**1 August 2018 interview with [[Rush Limbaugh]]

*How about chain migration? How about that? Somebody comes in, he brings his mother, and his father, and his aunt and uncle, 15 times removed. He brings them all
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 August 8 campaign rally in Ohio]

====September 2018====
* They haven't seen anything like what's coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet. Tremendous amounts of water.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqHwQhZC8jQ Trump Says Hurricane Florence Is 'Tremendously Big And Tremendously Wet']

* I just wanna thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with [[w:Hurricane Florence|Florence]]. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we've ever seen from a standpoint of water.
** [https://youtube.com/watch?v=RiDpRVqqXfk&amp;t=30 Trump Describes Hurricane Florence &quot;Wettest We've Seen From Standpoint Of Water&quot;]

* And you know the interesting? When I did it, and I was really being tough, and so was he, and we were going back and forth, and then we fell in love. OK? No, really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And they're great letters. We fell in love.
** {{citation |date=2018-09-30 |title=Trump says he and Kim Jong-un ‘fell in love’ after sending each other ‘beautiful letters’ |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-kim-jong-un-love-letters-relationship-denuclearisation-nuclear-weapons-a8561701.html}}

*Reliance on a single foreign supplier can leave nations vulnerable to extortion and intimidation and that is why we congratulate European states such as [[Poland]] for leading construction of a [[w:Baltic Pipe|Baltic pipeline]] so that nations are not dependent on Russia to meet their energy needs. Germany will become totally dependent on Russian energy if it does not immediately change course.
** Address to the UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-25 |title=At U.N., Trump hails Poland, slams Germany over Russian energy reliance |author= Reuters Staff |periodical=Reuters |url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-un-assembly-usa-germany-idUSKCN1M527Y}}

* Today I stand before the [[w:United Nations General Assembly|United Nations General Assembly]] to share the extraordinary progress we've made. In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country. America's— so true. ''[assembly laughs]'' I didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK.
** Address to UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-26 |title=Trump's U.N. speech pitting globalism against patriotism proves the president has no idea what patriotism means |author=Daniel Shapiro |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/trump-s-u-n-speech-pitting-globalism-against-patriotism-proves-ncna913141}}

* America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of [[globalism]] and we embrace the doctrine of [[patriotism]].
** Address to UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-25 |title=Trump’s Speech at the U.N. Triggers Laughter—and Disbelief |author=Robin Wright |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/trumps-speech-at-the-un-triggers-laughterand-disbelief}}

====October 2018====
* I know you're not thinking.  You never do.
** Donald Trump to a reporter who was going to ask a question.   {{citation |date=2018-10-02 |title=President Donald Trump To Reporter: ‘I Know You’re Not Thinking. You Never Do’ |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASOTct1woo8}}

*Only do it if I can test her personally. That will not be something I enjoy doing either.
** regarding acknowledging [[Elizabeth Warren]] as Native American
** {{citation |date=2018-10-15 |title=Trump promised $1 million to charity if Warren proved her Native American DNA. Now he’s waffling. |author=Amy B Wang and Deanna Paul |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/10/15/trump-dared-elizabeth-warren-take-dna-test-prove-her-native-american-ancestry-now-what/}}

* I have a natural instinct for science
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2018-10-15 |title=Trump: My ‘Natural Instinct for Science’ Tells Me Climate Science Is Wrong |author=Jonathan Chait |author-link=w:Jonathan Chait |periodical=New York Intelligencer |url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2018/10/trump-i-have-a-natural-instinct-for-science.html}} 

*You know they have a word, it sort of became old-fashioned, it's called a nationalist,&lt;br&gt;And I say 'really, we're not supposed to use that word?' Do you know what I am? I'm a nationalist.
**22 October 2018, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-10-23 |title=Trump declares himself a 'nationalist' while stumping for Ted Cruz |author=John Walsh |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.in/trump-declares-himself-a-nationalist-while-stumping-for-ted-cruz/articleshow/66327534.cms}} 

*Now how ridiculous: we're the only country in the world where a person comes in, has a baby, and the baby is essentially a citizen of the United States for 85 years with all of those benefits
**{{citation |date=2018-10-30 |title=Trump wants to end birthright citizenship in the U.S. |author=Associated Press |periodical=CBC |url=https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/trump-birthright-citizenship-1.4883589}}

*It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don't,&lt;br&gt;Number one, you don't need that. Number two, you can definitely do it with an act of Congress. But now they're saying I can do it just with an executive order.&lt;br&gt;It's in the process,&lt;br&gt;It'll happen, with an executive order.
**{{citation |date=2018-10-30 |title=Can Trump End Birthright Citizenship by Executive Order? |author=Robert Farley |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2018/10/can-trump-end-birthright-citizenship-by-executive-order/}}

====November 2018====
* You gotta take care of the floors. You know, the floors of the forest. It's very important. You look at other countries where they do it differently, and it's a whole different story. I was with the president of Finland, and he said, &quot;We have a much different— we're a forest nation.&quot; He called it a forest nation. And they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things, and they don't have any problem.
** Paradise, California, {{#formatdate:2018-11-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-11-20 |title=#RakeNews: People in Finland Mock Trump With Leaf-Raking Photos After He Said the Country 'Rakes the Forest' |author=Ashley Hoffman |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5458605/trump-finland-raking-reactions/}}, and with video in {{citation |date=2018-11-18 |title=Trump Says California Can Learn From Finland on Fires. Is He Right? |author=Patrick Kingsley |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/18/world/europe/finland-california-wildfires-trump-raking.html}}
** Finnish President Sauli Niinistö said he didn't recall anything being said about raking.[https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/finnish-president-says-he-briefed-trump-on-forest-monitoring/2018/11/18/dd46a57e-eb32-11e8-8b47-bd0975fd6199_story.html]

* '''Reporter''': Have you read the climate report yet?&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': I've seen it. I've read some of it and — it's fine.&lt;br /&gt;'''Reporter''': They say the economic impact could be devastating.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': Yeah. I don't believe it.&lt;br /&gt;'''Reporter''': You don't believe it?&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': No, no. I don't believe it. And here's the other thing: You're going to have to have China and Japan and all of Asia and all of these other countries — you know, it addresses our country. Right now, we're at the cleanest we've ever been, and that's very important to me. But if we're clean but every other place on Earth is dirty, that's not so good.
** November 26, 2018, on the [[w:Fourth National Climate Assessment|Fourth National Climate Assessment]] ({{cite news |title=Trump responds to his administration's report indicating a huge cost from climate change: ‘I don't believe it' |first=Philip |last=Bump |newspaper=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]] |date=November 26, 2018 |accessdate=December 1, 2018 |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/26/trump-responds-report-indicating-huge-cost-climate-change-i-dont-believe-it/}}; {{cite news |agency=[[w:BBC News|BBC News]] |title='I don't believe it' - Trump on climate report |date=November 26, 2018 |accessdate=December 1, 2018 |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-46324405/i-don-t-believe-it-trump-on-climate-report}}; {{cite news |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |agency=[[w:Associated Press|Associated Press]] |title=‘Yeah, I don't believe it': Trump on his administration's own climate report |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2018/nov/26/yeah-i-dont-believe-it-trump-on-administrations-own-climate-report-video}}).

* One of the problems that a lot of people like myself we have very high levels of intelligence, but we're not necessarily such believers. You look at our air and our water, and it's now at a record clean. But when you look at China and you look at parts of Asia and when you look at South America, and when you look at many other places in this world, including Russia, including just many other places, the air is incredibly dirty and when you're talking about an atmosphere, oceans are very small and it blows over and it sails over. I mean, we take thousands of tons of garbage off our beaches all the time that comes over from Asia. It just flows right down the Pacific, if flows, and we say where does this come from. And it takes many people to start off with.  
**28th November, ''Washington Post'' interview, Donald Trump on whether he believes in global warming reports of the 13 of agencies of his administration. [https://splinternews.com/man-with-very-high-level-of-intelligence-says-oceans-ar-1830699334]

====December 2018====
*I want to thank Vice President Mike Pence,&lt;br&gt;A tremendous supporter, a tremendous supporter of yours. And Karen. And they go there and they love your country. They love your country. And they love this country. That's a good combination, right?
**[https://forward.com/opinion/415676/trump-just-accused-jews-of-loving-israel-not-america-and-his-fans-cheered/ 7 December 2018]

*I am proud to shut down the government for border security, Chuck. People in this country don't want criminals and people that have lots of problems and drugs pouring into our country. I will take the mantle. I will be the one to shut it down. I won't blame you for it. The last time, you shut it down. It didn't work. I will take the mantle of shutting it down.
**Oval Office meeting with {{W|Nancy Pelosi}} and {{W|Chuck Schumer}}, leading to the {{w|2018–19 United States federal government shutdown}}. &quot;[https://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2018/12/11/Trump-proud-to-shut-down-government-in-wall-talks-with-Democrats/6271544554657/ Trump 'proud' to shut down government in wall talks with Democrats]&quot;, {{W|United Press International}} (December 12, 2018)

*Well, I don't see it. I spoke with Bibi, I told Bibi.&lt;br&gt;And, you know, we give Israel $4.5 billion a year.&lt;br&gt;And they're doing very well defending themselves, if you take a look.&lt;br&gt;So that's the way it is.&lt;br&gt;The United States cannot continue to be the policeman of the world,&lt;br&gt;We don't want to do that.
**[https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-we-give-israel-billions-it-can-defend-itself-in-syria/ 27 December 2018] re [[Benjamin Netanyahu]]

===2019===
====January 2019====
*we're getting out and we're getting out smart and we're winning, we're winning. OK. But just to answer your question, '''Over a period of time'''. I never said I'm getting out tomorrow I said I'm pulling our soldiers out and they will be pulled back in Syria, that we're getting out of Syria. Yeah absolutely. But we're getting out very powerfully.
**[http://www.aparchive.com/metadata/youtube/a1e8659d9ffa2e6b1572a49d86627be5 2 January 2019]

*Iran is no longer the same country&lt;br&gt;Iran is pulling people out of Syria.&lt;br&gt;'''They can do what they want there, frankly''', but they're pulling people out.&lt;br&gt;They're pulling people out of Yemen.&lt;br&gt;Iran wants to survive now.
**{{citation |date=2019-01-02 |title=Trump: Iran ‘can do what they want’ in Syria |author=Eric Cortellessa |periodical=Times of Israel |url=https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-iran-can-do-what-they-want-in-syria/}}

* I know more about drones than anybody. I know about every form of safety that you can have. (January 2019)
* I think nobody knows more about campaign finance than I do, because I'm the biggest contributor. (1999)
* I know more about people who get [TV] ratings than anyone. (October 2012)
* I know more about ISIS than the generals do. (November 2015)
* I understand social media. I understand the power of Twitter. I understand the power of Facebook maybe better than almost anybody, based on my results, right?  (November 2015)
* I know more about courts than any human being on Earth. (November 2015)
* [W]ho knows more about lawsuits than I do? I'm the king. (January 2016)
* I understand politicians better than anybody.
* [N]obody knows the [visa] system better than me. I know the H1B. I know the H2B. ... Nobody else on this dais knows how to change it like I do, believe me. (March 2016)
* Nobody knows more about trade than me. (March 2016)
* [N]obody knows the [U.S. government] system better than I do. (April 2016)
* I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth. (April 2016)
* I think nobody knows more about taxes than I do, maybe in the history of the world. (May 2016)
* I’m the king of debt. I’m great with debt. Nobody knows debt better than me. (June 2016)
* I understand money better than anybody. (June 2016)
* [L]ook, as a builder, nobody in the history of this country has ever known so much about infrastructure as Donald Trump. (July 2016)
* I know more about [senator] Cory [Booker] than he knows about himself. (July 2016)
* I think I know more about the other side [Democrats] than almost anybody. (November 2016)
* [N]obody knows more about construction than I do. (May 2018)
* I think I know about [the economy] better than [the Federal Reserve]. (October 2018)
* Technology — nobody knows more about technology than me. (December 2018)
* I know more about drones than anybody. I know about every form of safety that you can have.&quot; (January 2019)
* Having a drone fly overhead — and I think nobody knows much more about technology, this type of technology certainly, than I do. (January 2019)
** [https://www.axios.com/2019/01/05/everything-trump-says-he-knows-more-about-than-anybody &quot;Everything Trump says he knows &quot;more about than anybody&quot;&quot;], ''Axios'' (January 5, 2019)

*We are born free, and we will stay free. Tonight, we renew our resolve that America will never be a socialist country.
**{{citation |date=2019-01-05 |title=Trump to Ocasio-Cortez: 'America will never be a socialist country' |author=Joel Gehrke |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/policy/defense-national-security/trump-to-ocasio-cortez-america-will-never-be-a-socialist-country}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you over this shutdown?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' '''The buck stops with everybody.'''&lt;/p&gt;
**White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2019-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation
|date=2019-01-10 |title=Rejecting responsibility, Trump declares, ‘The buck stops with everybody’ |author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC |url=http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/rejecting-responsibility-trump-declares-the-buck-stops-everybody}}, and with video in {{citation |date=2019-01-10 |title=Trump: 'Buck stops with everybody' for shutdown he was proud to own |author=Oliver Willis |periodical=American Independent |url=https://americanindependent.com/trump-buck-stops-with-everybody-shutdown-proud/}}

*We have pizzas, we have three-hundred hamburgers, many, many French fries, all of our favourite foods.&lt;br&gt;I want to see what's here when we leave, because I don't think it's going to be much.&lt;br&gt;If it's American, I like it. It's all American stuff.
**14 January 2019 quote mentioned in [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46873386 article] by BBC

*Do we give you some little quick salads that the first lady will make, along with the second lady — they’ll make some salads.&lt;br&gt;I said you guys aren’t into salads.&lt;br&gt;Or do I go out and send out for about one-thousand hamburgers?&lt;br&gt;Big Macs.&lt;br&gt;So we actually did.&lt;br&gt;We bought one-thousand Burger King.&lt;br&gt;All American companies.&lt;br&gt;Burger King, Wendy’s and McDonald’s.
**14 January 2019 quote mentioned in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-fast-food-white-house-779128/ article] by Rolling Stone
{{anchor|hamberders}}
*Great being with the National Champion Clemson Tigers lat night at the White House.&lt;br&gt;Because of the Shutdown I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid),&lt;br&gt;over 1000 hamberders etc.&lt;br&gt;Within one hour, it was all gone.&lt;br&gt;Great guys and big eaters!
**15 January 2019 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1085159285208858624 tweet]

*National African American History Month&lt;br&gt;is an occasion to rediscover the enduring stories of African Americans and the&lt;br&gt;gifts of freedom, purpose, and opportunity they have bestowed on future&lt;br&gt;generations.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/presidential-proclamation-national-african-american-history-month-2019/ early 31 January 2019 proclamation on WhiteHouse.gov] regarding [[Wikipedia:Black History Month|black history month]]
***[https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/1091427927475085312 reposted 1 February 2019 on Twitter]

====February 2019====
*They're starting to, as we gain the remainder, the final remainder of the caliphate of the area, they'll be going to our base in Iraq, and ultimately some will be coming home. But we're going to be there and we're going to be staying--&lt;br&gt;We have to protect Israel. We have to protect other things that we have. But we're- yeah, they'll be coming back in a matter of time. Look, we're protecting the world. We're spending more money than anybody's ever spent in history, by a lot. We spent, over the last five years, close to 50 billion dollars a year in [[Afghanistan]]. That's more than most countries spend for everything including education, medical, and everything else, other than a few countries.&lt;br&gt;
**[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-interview-face-the-nation-margaret-brennan-today-2019-02-01/ 1 February 2019] broadcast [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/transcript-president-trump-on-face-the-nation-february-3-2019/ 3 February 2019]

* We stand with the [[Venezuela|Venezuelan]] people in their noble quest for freedom—and we condemn the brutality of the [[Maduro]] regime, whose socialist policies have turned that nation from being the wealthiest in [[South America]] into a state of abject [[poverty]] and [[despair]]
** &quot;[https://fair.org/home/the-media-myth-of-once-prosperous-and-democratic-venezuela-before-chavez/ The Media Myth of ‘Once Prosperous’ and Democratic Venezuela Before Chávez]&quot;  (February 6, 2019)

*Since the founding of our nation, many of our greatest strides — from gaining our independence to abolition of civil rights to extending the vote for women — have been led by people of faith
**[https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-civil-rights-abolition-prayer-breakfast_us_5c5e14ace4b0eec79b236874 08 February 2019]

* In fact, I think I can say this, [[Shinzō Abe|Prime Minister Abe]] of [[Japan]] gave me the most beautiful copy of a letter that he sent to the people who give out a thing called the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]]. He said: '''&quot;I have nominated you, respectfully, on behalf of Japan. I am asking them to give you the Nobel Peace Prize.&quot;''' I said, 'Thank you.'&lt;br&gt;We do a lot of good work. This administration does a tremendous job and we don't get credit for it. '''So Prime Minister Abe gave me — I mean it's the most beautiful five-page letter, Nobel Prize, he sent it to them.''' You know why? Because he had rocket ships and he had missiles flying over Japan, and they had alarms going off — you know that. Now all of the sudden they feel good, they feel safe. I did that.
** 15 February 2019 ({{cite news |title=You won't believe what Trump just said: 6 eye-popping moments |first=Dareh |last=Gregorian |agency=[[w:NBC News|NBC News]] |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/you-won-t-believe-what-trump-just-said-6-eye-n972166}})

====Spring 2019====
*there will be some people in the room that don't like this. We're down to 3.7 percent [[Unemployment in the United States|unemployment]] — the lowest number in a long time. But think of this: I got all these companies moving in. They need workers. We have to bring people into our country to work these great plants that are opening up all over the place. This was not necessarily what I was saying during the campaign because I never knew we would be as successful as we've been. Companies are roaring back into our country, and now we want people to come in. We need workers to come in, but they've got to come in legally, and they've got to come in through merit, merit, merit.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-2019-conservative-political-action-conference/ 3 March 2019]
 
*Hello, everybody. The economic numbers just came out; they're very, very good. Our country is doing unbelievably well, economically. Most of you don't report that, because it doesn't sound good from your perspective. But the country is doing really, really well. We have a lot of very exciting things going on. A lot of companies will be announcing shortly they're moving back into the United States. They're all coming back. They want to be where the action is.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900207/html/DCPD-201900207.htm 5 April 2019]

* If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75 percent in value. &lt;b&gt;And they say the noise causes [[cancer]]. &lt;/b&gt; You told me that one, OK. ''[makes circles with his hands and a noise with his mouth]'' You know the thing makes so... and of course it's like a graveyard for birds.
** Speech to Republican National Congressional Committee, {{#formatdate:2019-04-02}}, quoted in {{cite news|date=
{{#formatdate:2019-04-03}}|title=Trump's war on windmills now includes wild cancer claim|author=Zachary B. Wolf|work=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/03/politics/trumps-war-on-windmills-now-includes-wild-cancer-claim/index.html}} and in {{cite web|date=2019-04-08|accessdate=2019-08-18|website={{w|Politifact}}|title=Donald Trump's ridiculous link between cancer, wind turbines|author=Jon Greenberg|url=https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2019/apr/08/donald-trump/republicans-dismiss-trumps-windmill-and-cancer-cla/}}
 
* They have to get the shots. The [[vaccinations]] are so important. This is really going around now. They have to get their shots.
** Reported in Maegan Vazquez, &quot;[https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/26/politics/donald-trump-measles-vaccines Trump now says parents must vaccinate children in face of measles outbreak]&quot;, CNN (April 26, 2019).

*The Jews always flip.
**attested to by Michael Wolff [https://forward.com/fast-forward/425037/trump-jews-always-flip-michael-wolff-michael-cohen-david-pecker/ 28 May 2019]

====June 2019====
*There is no basis whatsoever for [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeachment]]. None. There was no collusion. There was no obstruction. There was no crime. The crime was by the Democrats. The crime was by the Democrats. There is no legal basis for impeachment. It's a big witch hunt. Everybody knows it, including the Democrats.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900366/html/DCPD-201900366.htm 2 June 2019]

* This week, we commemorate a mighty endeavor of righteous nations and one of the greatest undertakings in all of history. Seventy-five years ago, more than 150,000 Allied troops were preparing on this island to parachute into France, storm the beaches of Normandy, and win back our civilization. As Her Majesty remembers, the [[British people]] had hoped and prayed and fought for this day for nearly 5 years. When [[Great Britain|Britain]] stood alone during [[w:The Blitz|the Blitz]] of 1940 and 1941, the Nazi war machine dropped thousands of bombs on this country and right on this magnificent city. Buckingham Palace alone was bombed on 16 separate occasions. In that dark hour, the people of this nation showed the world what it means to be British. They cleared wreckage from the streets, displayed the Union Jack from their shattered homes, and kept fighting on to victory. They only wanted victory. The courage of the United Kingdom's sons and daughters ensured that your destiny would always remain in your own hands. Through it all, the royal family was the resolute face of the Commonwealth's unwavering solidarity.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900368/html/DCPD-201900368.htm 3 June 2019] 

* This evening we thank God for the brave sons of the United Kingdom and the United States who defeated the Nazis and the Nazi regime and liberated millions from [[tyranny]]. The [[United Kingdom–United States relations|bond between our nations]] was forever sealed in that &quot;Great Crusade.&quot; As we honor our shared victory and heritage, we affirm the common values that will unite us long into the future: [[freedom]], [[sovereignty]], self-determination, the [[rule of law]], and reverence for the rights given to us by Almighty God. From the [[World War II|Second World War]] to today, Her Majesty has stood as a constant symbol of these priceless traditions. She has embodied the spirit of dignity, duty, and patriotism that beats proudly in every British heart. On behalf of all Americans, I offer a toast to the eternal friendship of our people, the vitality of our nations, and to the long, cherished, and truly remarkable reign of [[Elizabeth II|Her Majesty the Queen]]. Thank you.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900368/html/DCPD-201900368.htm 3 June 2019]

* You’re talking about [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]] and at that time nobody had ever heard of [[Vietnam|the country]]
** Trump was describing the US knowledge about Vietnam in 1968, when about one half million US troops were stationed in Vietnam, as quoted in {{cite news|date={{#formatdate:2019-06-05}}|title=Trump says was 'never a fan' of Vietnam War, and that Americans hadn't heard of country in 1968|work=Japan Times|url=https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2019/06/06/world/politics-diplomacy-world/trump-says-never-fan-vietnam-war-claims-americans-hadnt-heard-country-1968/#.XraZ4hMzbOQ}}

* I think a lot of progress was made yesterday, but we have to make a lot of progress. Mexico has been making, for many, many years, hundreds of billions of dollars. And then, they've been making an absolute fortune on the United States. They have to step up, and they have to step up to the plate, and perhaps they will. We're going to see. They can solve the problem. The Democrats—Congress has been a disaster. They won't change. They won't do anything. They want free immigration—immigration to pour into our country. They don't care who it is. They don't care what kind of a record they have. It doesn't make any difference. They're not going to be changing anything. We go to them, we say, &quot;Let's fix the immigration laws.&quot; They just want it to do badly. The worse it does, the happier they are. So that's the way it is, and I guess that's the way it will be until after the election. It's just a disgrace. Because, frankly, we could solve this problem so easy if the Democrats in Congress were willing to make some changes, but they're not. And that's the way it is. They want to just ride it out. They want to have a real bad time. They don't care about crime. They don't care about drugs pouring into our country. They couldn't care less. It's all politics. It's a vicious business. So that's the way it is. But we're having a great talk with Mexico. We'll see what happens. But something pretty dramatic could happen. We've told Mexico the tariffs go on. And I mean it too. And I'm very happy with it. And lot of people, Senators included, they have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to tariffs. They have no—absolutely no idea. When you have the money, when you have the product, when you have the thing that everybody wants, you're in a position to do very well with tariffs, and that's where we are. We're the piggybank. The United States is the piggybank. It has all the money that others want to take from us, but they're not taking it so easy anymore. It's a lot different. Our talks with China—a lot of interesting things are happening. We'll see what happens. 
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900372/html/DCPD-201900372.htm 6 June 2019]

* ''Reporter:'' Are you willing to go to war with Iran?&lt;br /&gt;''Trump:'' You'll find out. You'll find out.
** {{cite news|date={{#formatdate:2019-06-20}}|title=Trump tells public 'you'll find out' when asked about a war with Iran|work=The Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/world/trump-tells-public-youll-find-out-when-asked-about-a-war-with-iran/2019/06/20/18f8c92d-b370-4a01-a948-4144be20f730_video.html}}

* For some reason we have a certain chemistry — or whatever. Let's see what happens. We have a long way to go. But I'm in no rush... So, I just want to say that we are going to be heading out to the DMZ and '''it's something I planned long ago but had the idea yesterday''' to maybe say hello, just shake hands quickly and say hello.
** press conference, Blue House, Seoul, South Korea, quoted in {{citation
|date=2019-06-30 |title=Trump: Kim and I &quot;have a certain chemistry&quot; |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/politics/live-news/trump-dmz-kim-live-intl-hnk/h_8b23e071903b007d8ff1934be8457d2c}}

=====Remarks on the 75th Anniversary of D-Day in Colleville-sur-Mer, France=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900373/html/DCPD-201900373.htm Transcript] (June 6, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* Here with you are over 60 veterans who landed on [[w:D-Day|D-day]]. Our debt to you is everlasting. Today we express our undying gratitude. When you were young, these men enlisted their lives in a great crusade, one of the greatest of all times. Their mission is the story of an epic battle and the ferocious, eternal struggle between good and evil. On the 6th of June, 1944, they joined a liberation force of awesome power and breathtaking scale. After months of planning, the Allies had chosen this ancient coastline to mount their campaign to vanquish the wicked tyranny of the [[Nazism|Nazi]] empire from the face of the Earth. The battle began in the skies above us. In those first tense midnight hours, 1,000 aircraft roared overhead, with 17,000 Allied airborne troops preparing to leap into the darkness beyond these trees. Then came dawn. The enemy who had occupied these heights saw the largest naval armada in the history of the world. Just a few miles offshore were 7,000 vessels bearing 130,000 warriors.
* They were the citizens of free and independent nations, united by their duty to their compatriots and to millions yet unborn. There were the [[British people|British]], whose nobility and fortitude saw them through the worst of [[w:Battle of Dunkirk|Dunkirk]] and the [[w:London Blitz|London Blitz]]. The full violence of Nazi fury was no match for the full grandeur of British pride. Thank you. There were the [[Canada|Canadians]], whose robust sense of honor and loyalty compelled them to take up arms alongside Britain from the very, very beginning. There were the fighting [[Poland|Poles]], the tough [[Norway|Norwegians]], and the intrepid [[Australia|Aussies]]. There were the gallant French commandos, soon to be met by thousands of their brave countrymen ready to write a new chapter in the long history of French valor. And finally, there were the Americans. They came from the farms of a vast heartland, the streets of glowing cities and the forges of mighty industrial towns. Before the war, many had never ventured beyond their own community. Now they had come to offer their lives half a world from home.
* This beach, codenamed [[w:Omaha Beach|Omaha]], was defended by the Nazis with monstrous firepower, thousands and thousands of mines and spikes driven into the sand, so deeply. It was here that tens of thousands of the Americans came. The GIs who boarded the landing craft that morning knew that they carried on their shoulders not just the pack of a soldier, but the fate of the world. Colonel [[w:George A. Taylor|George Taylor]], whose [[w:16th Infantry Regiment (United States)|16th Infantry Regiment]] would join in the first wave, was asked: What would happen if the Germans stopped right then and there, cold on the beach, just stopped them? What would happen? This great American replied: &quot;Why, the 18th Infantry is coming in right behind us. The 26th Infantry will come on too. Then, there is the [[w:2nd Infantry Division (United States)|2nd Infantry Division]] already afloat. And the 9th Division. And the 2d Armored. And the 3d Armored. And all the rest. Maybe the 16th won't make it, but someone will.&quot;
* Nine thousand three hundred and eighty-eight young Americans rest beneath the white crosses and Stars of David arrayed on these beautiful grounds. Each one has been adopted by a French family that thinks of him as their own. They come from all over France to look after our boys. They kneel. They cry. They pray. They place flowers. And they never forget. Today America embraces the French people and thanks you for honoring our beloved dead. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
* To all of our friends and partners: Our cherished alliance was forged in the heat of battle, tested in the trials of war, and proven in the blessings of peace. Our bond is unbreakable. 
* From across the Earth, Americans are drawn to this place as though it were a part of our very soul. We come not only because of what they did here, we come because of who they were. They were young men with their entire lives before them. They were husbands who said goodbye to their young brides and took their duty as their fate. They were fathers who would never meet their infant sons and daughters because they had a job to do. And with God as their witness, they were going to get it done. They came wave after wave, without question, without hesitation, and without complaint. 
* More powerful than the strength of American arms was the strength of American hearts. These men ran through the fires of hell moved by a force no weapon could destroy: the fierce patriotism of a free, proud, and sovereign people. They battled not for control and domination, but for liberty, democracy, and self-rule. They pressed on for love in home and country, the main streets, the schoolyards, the churches and neighbors, the families and communities that gave us men such as these. They were sustained by the confidence that America can do anything because we are a noble nation, with a virtuous people, praying to a righteous God. The exceptional might came from a truly exceptional spirit. The abundance of courage came from an abundance of faith. The great deeds of an [[United States Army|Army]] came from the great depths of their love. As they confronted their fate, the Americans and the Allies placed themselves into the palm of God's hand.
* The men behind me will tell you that they are just the lucky ones. As one of them recently put it, &quot;All the heroes are buried here.&quot; But we know what these men did. We knew how brave they were. They came here and saved freedom, and then, they went home and showed us all what freedom is all about. The American sons and daughters who saw us to victory were no less extraordinary in peace. They built families. They built industries. They built a national culture that inspired the entire world. In [[Aftermath of World War II|the decades that followed]], America defeated [[communism]], secured [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]], revolutionized [[science]], [[Apollo 11|launched a man to the Moon]], and then kept on pushing to new frontiers. And today, America is stronger than ever before.
* Seven decades ago, the warriors of D-day fought a sinister enemy who spoke of a thousand-year empire. In defeating that evil, they left a legacy that will last not only for a thousand years, but for all time—for as long as the soul knows of duty and honor; for as long as freedom keeps its hold on the human heart. To the men who sit behind me, and to the boys who rest in the field before me, your example will never, ever grow old. Your legend will never tire. Your spirit—brave, unyielding, and true—will never die. The blood that they spilled, the tears that they shed, the lives that they gave, the sacrifice that they made, did not just win a battle. It did not just win a war. Those who fought here won a future for our Nation. They won the survival of our civilization. And they showed us the way to love, cherish, and defend our way of life for many centuries to come. Today, as we stand together upon this sacred Earth, we pledge that our nations will forever be strong and united. We will forever be together. Our people will forever be bold. Our hearts will forever be loyal. And our children, and their children, will forever and always be free. May God bless our great veterans, may God bless our Allies, may God bless the heroes of D-day, and may God bless America. Thank you. Thank you very much.

====July 2019====
* Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do.
** Trump was describing battles in 1775, as quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/48885319 Trump blames 'airports' gaffe on teleprompter]

*The kidney has a very special place in the heart.
**[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/11/the-kidney-has-a-very-special-place-in-the-heart-says-donald-trump-video 11 July 2019]

* &quot;I said, you know, you don't like me and I don't like you. I never have liked you and you never liked me but you're going to support me because you're a rich guy. And if you don't support me, you're going to be so goddamn poor you're not going to believe it.&quot;
** Trump was referring to an unnamed businessperson, as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Analysis: The 51 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's NC rally |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=WLOS.com |url=https://wlos.com/news/local/analysis-the-51-most-outrageous-lines-from-donald-trumps-nc-rally}}

* Everybody calls me Mr. President. It's true. It's a funny thing.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Analysis: The 51 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's NC rally |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=WLOS.com |url=https://wlos.com/news/local/analysis-the-51-most-outrageous-lines-from-donald-trumps-nc-rally}}

* Then, I have an [[w:Article Two of the United States Constitution|Article II]], where I have to the right to do whatever I want as president [...] But I don’t even talk about that.
** Speech at the [[w:Turning Point USA|Turning Point USA]] Teen Student Action Summit, Washington DC (July 23, 2019), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/07/23/trump-falsely-tells-auditorium-full-teens-constitution-gives-him-right-do-whatever-i-want/ &quot;While bemoaning Mueller probe, Trump falsely says the Constitution gives him 'the right to do whatever I want'&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (July 23, 2019)

* [[Boris Johnson]], good man he is tough but he is smart. They call him Brittain Trump..They like me over there
** [www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0wO89TT9vI Trump on Johnson: 'They call him Britain Trump' - BBC News] July 24, 2019

*These people  [Democrats] are clowns
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-signing-safe-third-country-agreement-guatemala/ from the White House on July 26 (video)]

*I am the least racist person there is anywhere in the world
**30 July 2019 [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/30/trump-claims-least-racist-person-in-the-world per The Guardian]

====August 2019====
* I think my rhetoric is a very – it brings people together.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-07 |title=While slamming critics, Trump says his words ‘bring people together’
|author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC |url=http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/while-slamming-critics-trump-says-his-words-bring-people-together}}

* I think any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat -- it shows either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-21 |title=Jewish leaders outraged by Trump saying Jews disloyal if they vote for Democrats |author=Maegan Vazquez, Jim Acosta |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2019/08/20/politics/donald-trump-jewish-americans-democrat-disloyalty/index.html?no-st=9999999999}}

* I am the chosen one. Somebody had to do it, so I'm taking on China... and you know what we're winning.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-21 |title=Donald Trump: 'I am the chosen one' |author=Tola Mbakwe|periodical=CNN |url=https://premierchristian.news/en/news/article/donald-trump-i-am-the-chosen-one}}

====September 2019====
* Where’s my favorite [[Dictatorship|dictator]]?
** Trump was looking for Egyptian President [[Abdel Fattah el-Sisi]], as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-09-13 |title=Trump, Awaiting Egyptian Counterpart at Summit, Called Out for ‘My Favorite Dictator’ | author=By Nancy A. Youssef, Vivian Salama and Michael C. Bender | url=https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-awaiting-egyptian-counterpart-at-summit-called-out-for-my-favorite-dictator-11568403645?tesla=y&amp;mod=e2twp}} 

* I always look orange. And so do you. The light is the worst.
** Trump complained about energy-saving light bulbs, quoted by {{citation |date=2019-09-24 |title=Trump on Why He Doesn’t Like Energy-Efficient Lightbulbs: “I Always Look Orange” |author=Elliot Hannon |url=https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/09/trump-on-why-he-doesnt-like-energy-efficient-light-bulbs-i-always-look-orange.html}}

* The truth is plain to see — if you want freedom, take pride in your country; if you want [[democracy]], hold onto your sovereignty, and if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots. The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbours, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
** Address to United Nations General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-09-13 |title=Trump UN speech knocks globalism: The future belongs to nationalism |author=Tim Pearce |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/trump-un-speech-knocks-globalism-the-future-belongs-to-nationalism}}

====October 2019====
=====Statement on the Death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi=====
[[File:President Trump Watches as U.S. Special Operations Forces Close in on ISIS Leader (48967991042).jpg|thumb|Last night, the [[United States]] brought the [[world]]'s number one [[terrorist]] [[leader]] to [[justice]]. [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi]] is [[dead]]. He was the founder and leader of [[ISIS]], the most ruthless and violent terror organization in the World.]] 
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/statement-president-death-abu-bakr-al-baghdadi/ Offiical release at Whitehouse.gov (27 October 2019)] · [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/27/us/trump-transcript-isis-al-baghdadi.html Transcript of delivered remarks at ''The New York Times'' (27 October 2019)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6YvsrGILrw &quot;President Trump's full announcement on the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi&quot;, ''The Washington Post''    YouTube channel (27 October 2019)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* Last night, the [[United States]] brought the [[world]]'s number one [[terrorist]] [[leader]] to [[justice]]. [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi]] is [[dead]]. He was the founder and leader of [[ISIS]], the most ruthless and violent terror organization in the World. The United States has been searching for Baghdadi for many years.  Capturing or killing Baghdadi has been the top [[national security]] priority of my Administration. U.S. Special Operations forces executed a [[dangerous]] and [[daring]] nighttime raid into Northwestern [[Syria]] to [[accomplish]] this [[mission]].

* Terrorists who oppress and murder innocent people should never sleep soundly, knowing that we will completely destroy them. These savage monsters will not escape their fate – and they will not escape the final judgement of God.

* This raid was impeccable, and could only have taken place with the acknowledgement and help of certain other nations and people. &lt;br /&gt; I want to thank the nations of Russia, Turkey, Syria and Iraq, and I also want to thank the Syrian Kurds for certain support they were able to give us. Thank you as well to the great intelligence professionals who helped make this very successful journey possible.

* Last night was a great night for the United States and for the World. A brutal killer, one who has caused so much hardship and death, was violently eliminated – he will never again harm another innocent man, woman or child.  He died like a dog.  He died like a coward.  The world is now a much safer place.

* I don't want to say how, but we had absolutely perfect -- as though you were watching a movie. It was -- that -- that in -- the technology there alone is -- is really great.
**[https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/27/politics/donald-trump-baghdadi-death-isis/index.html 27 October 2019]

====November 2019====
*I WANT NOTHING I WANT NOTHING I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO. TELL [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|ZELLINSKY]] TO DO THE RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE FINAL WORD FROM THE PRES. OF THE U.S.
**[https://www.vox.com/2019/11/20/20974383/trump-big-sharpie-notes-on-impeachment-testimony Remarks on a notepad, White House lawn, November 20], after Ambassador Gordon Sondland's testimony.

====December 2019====
* We have a situation where we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers, and other elements of bathrooms.&lt;br&gt;You turn on the faucet and you don't get any water..&lt;br&gt;People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.&lt;br&gt;They have so much water that it comes down. It's called rain.
** Quoted in {{citation |author=Matthew Cantor |title=Trump says people 'flush the toilet 10 times' and seeks solution
|periodical=The Guardian |date=2019-12-06 |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/dec/06/trump-says-people-flush-the-toilet-10-times-and-seeks-solution}}

* So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!
** Trump was commenting on the Swedish school pupil and climate activist Greta Thunberg after she was named Time’s Person of the Year for 2019, as quoted by {{citation | author=Reuters staff | title=Climate activist Thunberg hits back at Trump over anger management taunt
| periodical=Reuters | date=2019-12-06 | url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-thunberg-idUSKBN27M0TN}}

* I never understood wind. I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody. I know it is very expensive. They are made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are manufactured, tremendous—if you are into this—tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?&lt;br&gt;So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right spewing, whether it is China or Germany, is going into the air.&lt;br&gt;You see all those [windmills]. They’re all different shades of color.  They’re like sort of white, but one is like an orange-white. It’s my favorite color, orange.
**[[w:Turning Point USA|Turning Point USA]] conference, {{#formatdate:2019-12-21}}, quoted in {{citation |author=Connor Mannion |title=Trump Attacks Windmills in Speech to Conservative Group: ‘I Never Understood Wind’ |periodical=Mediaite |date=2019-12-22 |url=https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-attacks-windmills-in-speech-to-conservative-group-i-never-understood-wind/}}

===2020===
* My administration will never stop fighting for Americans of faith
** At a rally for evangelicals earlier in 2020 according to  [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-secretly-mocks-his-christian-supporters/616522/  Trump Secretly Mocks His Christian Supporters] September 29, 2020

====January 2020====
* &lt;!--[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=0s): Tesla's now worth more than GM and Ford; do you have comments on Elon Musk?  --&gt;&lt;!-- [00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=4s):--&gt; Well, you have to give [[Elon Musk|him]] credit.  I spoke to him very recently, and he's also doing the rockets, he likes rockets, and he does good at rockets too, by the way.  I never saw… where [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage booster|the engines]] come down with no wings, no anything, [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage landings|and they're landing]].  I've said I've never seen that before. &lt;!--[00:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=19s):--&gt; And I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius.  We have to protect [[Thomas Edison]], we have to protect all of these people that came up originally with the [[w:light bulb|light bulb]], and the [[w:wheel|wheel]], and all of these things.  And he's one of our very smart people, and we want to cherish those people, that's very important.  But he's done a very good job. &lt;!--[00:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=41s):--&gt; Shocking, how well, …how it's come so fast.  You go back a year, and they were talking about the end of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|the company]] and all of a sudden they're talking about these great things.  He's going to be building [[w:Gigafactory|a very big plant]] in the United States.  He has to.  Because we help him, so he has to help us.
** on [[Elon Musk]], [[Tesla]], and [[SpaceX]] after Tesla stock valuation beat [[w:General Motors|General Motors]] and [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] combined
** {{citation|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ|title=Trump on Elon Musk: I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses|interviewer=[[w:Joe Kernen|Joe Kernen]]|date=2020-01-22|work=CNBC Television|via=Youtube|location=[[w:World Economic Forum|World Economic Forum]], [[w:Davos|Davos]], Switzerland}}

*'''{{w|Joe Kernen}}''': It was a couple of years ago. Before we get started-- with- we're going talk about the economy and a lot of other things--the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention|CDC]]-- has identified a case of [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in Washington (state)|coronavirus-- in Washington state]]. The {{w|Wuhan}} strain of this. If you remember {{w|SARS}}, that affected [[GDP]]. Travel-related effects. Do you-- have you been briefed by the CDC? And--
:'''Donald Trump''': I have, and--
:'''Joe Kernen''': --are there worries about a pandemic at this point?
:'''Donald Trump''': No. Not at all. And-- we're-- we have it totally under control. &lt;b&gt;It's one person coming in from [[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic in mainland China|China]], and we have it under control.&lt;/b&gt; It's—going to be just fine.
:'''Joe Kernen''': Okay. And [[w:President of the People's Republic of China|President]] Xi-- there's just some-- talk in China that maybe the transparency isn't everything that it's going to be. Do you trust that we're going to know everything we need to know from China?
:'''Donald Trump''': I do. I do. I have a great relationship with President Xi. [[w:China–United States trade war#2020|We just signed]] probably the biggest deal ever made. It certainly has the potential to be the biggest deal ever made. And-- it was a very interesting period of time time {{sic}}.
:'''Joe Kernen''': Yeah. Let’s get into that--
:'''Donald Trump''': But we got it done, and-- no, I do. I think-- the [[China–United States relations|relationship]] is very, very good.
:* Interview with {{w|CNBC}}'s {{w|Joe Kernen}} at the {{w|World Economic Forum}} in {{w|Davos, Switzerland}}, January 22, 2020. [https://www.cnbc.com/2020/01/22/cnbc-transcript-president-donald-trump-sits-down-with-cnbcs-joe-kernen-at-the-world-economic-forum-in-davos-switzerland.html Transcript online] at ''{{w|CNBC}}''

* China has been working very hard to contain the [[COVID-19 pandemic|Coronavirus]]. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency.
** Cited by {{citation |date=2020-01-24 |title=Trump Is Inciting a Coronavirus Culture War to Save Himself
|author=Adam Serwer |periodical=The Atlantic |url=https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/03/trump-is-the-chinese-governments-most-useful-idiot/608638/}}

*During National African American History Month, we honor the extraordinary contributions made by African Americans throughout the history of our Republic
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/proclamation-national-african-american-history-month-2020/ 31 January 2020]
***[https://twitter.com/CFTC/status/1233507203853758468 reposted 28 February 2020 by CFTC]

====February 2020====
* And by the way, the [[SARS-CoV-2|virus]]. They're working hard. Looks like by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that's true.
** Regarding [[Covid-19 pandemic in the United States|coronavirus]]
** Rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-10}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-26|title=Trump’s dangerous message on coronavirus|author=Doyle McManus|periodical=LA Times|url=https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2020-02-26/trumps-dangerous-message-on-coronavirus}}

* There are a lot of dishonest slimeballs out there. Dishonest scum. Dirty cops, lot of dirty cops … the ones on top, they were absolute scum.
** Trump described former senior law enforcement officials who were involved in the FBI probes into his campaign, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-20|title=Trump repeatedly struggles to pronounce words during conspiracy-laden rally, before suggesting he'll pardon Roger Stone in late-night tweet |author=Tom Embury-Dennis |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-rally-twitter-roger-stone-sentence-pardon-2020-election-rally-phoenix-arizona-a9345956.html}}

* And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that's a pretty good job we've done.
** Regarding known [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|coronavirus cases]].
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-02-26}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-11 |title=Coronavirus: US passes 1,000 cases – two weeks after Trump said number would soon be 'close to zero' |author=Chris Riotta |periodical=The Independent |location=UK  |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-cases-us-map-trump-how-many-infected-a9393061.html}}

* We know all the people. We know all the good people. It's a question I asked the doctors before. Some of the people we cut, they haven't been used for many, many years, and if we ever need them, we can get them very quickly. And rather than spending the money — I'm a businessperson, I don't like having thousands of people around when you don't need 'em, when we need 'em, we can get them back very quickly.
** Asked about his consistent [[w:Criticism of response to the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic#Funding cut by Trump administration|budget cuts]] to the CDC, the NIH, and the WHO.
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-02-26}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-28 |title=As the World Reaches for Face Masks, Trump Buries His Head in the Sand |author=Jonathan Chait |author-link=w:Jonathan Chait |periodical=New York |url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/02/trump-coronavirus-response.html}}

* Can we get like ''[[Gone with the Wind (film)|Gone with the Wind]]'' back, please? ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'', so many great movies.  
** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms]
** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms Trump slams Oscar-winning South Korean film 'Parasite', praises 'Gone with the Wind']video posted February 22, 2020

* It's going to disappear. One day it's like a miracle, it will disappear. And from our shores, we — you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We'll see what happens. Nobody really knows.
** Regarding coronavirus
** African American History Month reception, White House, {{#formatdate:2020-02-27}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-29 |title=Inside Trump’s frantic attempts to minimize the coronavirus crisis |author= 
Yasmeen Abutaleb, Ashley Parker and Josh Dawsey |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/inside-trumps-frantic-attempts-to-minimize-the-coronavirus-crisis/2020/02/29/7ebc882a-5b25-11ea-9b35-def5a027d470_story.html}}. Video of the event available at [https://www.c-span.org/video/?469786-1/president-trump-hosts-african-american-history-month-reception cspan]

=====Donald Trump Charleston, South Carolina Rally (February 28, 2020)=====
:&lt;small&gt;Donald Trump Charleston, South Carolina Rally (February 28, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-charleston-south-carolina-rally-transcript-february-28-2020 transcript online] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.&lt;/small&gt;

* Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All I can say is that the fake news just doesn't get it, do they? They don't get it. [inaudible 00:02:54] They just don't get it. Hello Charleston, and I'm thrilled to be back in the great state of [[South Carolina]] with thousands of hardworking American Patriots who believe in faith, family, God, and country. Thank you. It's a phenomenal crowd, only topped by the number of people outside that didn't get in. If anybody would like to give up where you're standing or your seat, please raise your hand. All right. Then let's begin, right? Thank you all very much though. This is great. No, they don't get it. Down the road, they have a rally for one of the people that are going to be running tomorrow. They're trying to get to a hundred, but they're not going to make it. So I think they're going to set up a round table. Well, that's what they do. So people want to go to a rally, they end up sitting at a round table talking about their definition of impeachment. Crazy.

* No, it's crazy. Crazy! It's a crazy deal. No, the fake news media, they've been trying to figure this out for years. They still don't get it though. They don't get it. Look at all of those cameras. Look at all of those cameras. That's a lot of cameras. That's a lot of cameras, Lindsey and Tim, that's a lot of... They heard you guys were here. They heard Tim was here and that Lindsey was here and that... And they said, &quot;We're not going to attend that rally,&quot; but when we heard those two guys plus our great congressmen, they're here, great congressmen. But this is an incredible time for our nation. We're thrilled to be in the midst of what we call the Great American Comeback and that's what it is. Jobs are booming, incomes are soaring, factories are returning, poverty is plummeting, confidence is surging, and we have completely rebuilt the awesome power of the United States military. Our country is stronger than ever before.

* We are stronger, we are better, but while we are building a great future, the radical left Democrats in Washington are trying to burn it all down. They have spent the last three years, and I can even go further than that, three years since the election, but we go before the election, working to erase your ballots and overthrow our democracy. But with your help, we have exposed the far left's corruption and defeated their sinister schemes and let's see what happens in the coming months. Let's watch. Let's just watch. Very dishonest people. Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus, you know that right? Coronavirus, they're politicizing it. We did one of the great jobs. You say, &quot;How's President Trump doing?&quot; They go, &quot;Oh, not good, not good.&quot; They have no clue. They don't have any clue. They can't even count their votes in Iowa. They can't even count. No, they can't. They can't count their votes.

* One of my people came up to me and said, &quot;Mr. President, they tried to beat you on Russia, Russia, Russia.&quot; That didn't work out too well. They couldn't do it. They tried the [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeachment]] hoax. That was on a perfect conversation. They tried anything. They tried it over and over. They'd been doing it since you got in. It's all turning. They lost. It's all turning. Think of it. Think of it. '''And this is their new hoax.''' But we did something that's been pretty amazing. We have 15 people in this massive country and because of the fact that we went early. We went early, we could have had a lot more than that. We're doing great. Our country is doing so great. We are so unified. We are so unified. The Republican party has never ever been unified like it is now. There has never been a movement in the history of our country like we have now. Never been a movement. So a statistic that we want to talk about, go ahead. Say USA. It's okay. USA. So a number that nobody heard of, that I heard of recently and I was shocked to hear it, 35,000 people on average die each year from the flu. Did anyone know that? 35,000, that's a lot of people. It could go to 100,000, it could be 27,000. They say usually a minimum of 27, goes up to 100,000 people a year die. And so far we have lost nobody to [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|coronavirus in the United States]]. Nobody. And it doesn't mean we won't and we are totally prepared. It doesn't mean we won't, but think of it. You hear 35 and 40,000 people and we've lost nobody and you wonder the press is in hysteria mode. CNN fake news and the camera just went off, the camera. The camera just went off. Turn it back on. Hey, by the way, hold it. Look at this, and honestly, all events are like this. It's about us. It's all about us. I wish they'd take the camera, show the arena please. They never do. They never do. They never do it. They never show the arena. You can hear it because when you hear it, that's not 200 people. That's not a hundred people. That's thousands and thousands of people including people outside. You can hear it. They always show my face. See that face? They show my face. I want them to show the arena, not my face, right?  [...] While the extreme left has been wasting America's time with these vile hoaxes, we've been killing terrorists, creating jobs, raising wages, enacting fair trade deals, securing our border, and lifting up citizens of every race, religion, color, and creed. We added another 225,000 jobs last month alone. And that makes seven million jobs since our election, seven million. The [[unemployment]] rate in the great state of South Carolina. You ever hear of that place?

* Practically every one. Can you believe it? I'm sure your husbands are thrilled, right? They're thrilled. Where are you going tonight? I'm going to another Trump rally. Cool. Number 114. What do your husbands say about that? This group up here. She said, &quot;We don't care.&quot; Thank you. Thank you. Democrats will only say horrible things even though they know we're doing a great job. We're doing a great job with what we have to work with. It's incredible. The Democrats want us to fail so badly. Even if their actions, and you take a look, hurt the people of this country, they'll hurt the people themselves, their wealth, their everything. They're willing to hurt our country in order to say bad, even if they know it's not so. We made an unbelievable deal with [[Mexico]], with [[Canada]], with [[China]], with South Korea, with [[Japan]]. And if you put a microphone with these people back there like the Academy Awards used to be, not anymore. Best movie of the year. It's made in [[South Korea]]. What's that all about? I'm waiting to see the best movie of the year-

* And it's made... He said, &quot;It's garbage.&quot; Only in South Carolina can you say that. Only in South Carolina. You're going to get us in trouble. No, I'm just repeating what he said for the fake news. No, but seriously the Academy Awards has gone way, way down in ratings. Do you know why? Because they started attacking us and we don't believe in it anymore. That's why. No, but they had [[Parasite (2019 film)|the best movie of the year made in South Korea]]. They make enough stuff for us, right? And they're good. They're our friends. Take advantage of us, that's okay. Not so much anymore. We are really, you take a look, magnificently organized with the best professionals in the world. We're prepared for the absolute worst. You have to be prepared for the worst, but hopefully it will all amount to very little. That's why I tell you when we have the flu with 35,000 people and this one we have to take it very, very seriously. That's what we're doing. We are preparing for the worst.

* My administration has taken the most aggressive action in modern history to prevent the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|spread of this illness in the United States]]. We are ready. We are ready. Totally ready. On January 31st, I ordered the suspension of foreign nationals who have recently been in China from entering the United States. An action which the Democrats loudly criticized and protested and now everybody's complimenting me saying, &quot;Thank you very much. You were 100% correct.&quot; Could've been a whole different story. But I say, so let's get this right. A [[SARS-CoV-2|virus]] starts in China, bleeds its way into various countries all around the world, doesn't spread widely at all in the United States because of the early actions that myself and my administration took against a lot of other wishes, and the Democrats' single talking point, and you see it, is that it's Donald Trump's fault, right? It's Donald Trump's fault. No, just things that happened.

* But you know what this does show you? Things happen. Whoever thought of this two weeks ago? Who would've thought this could be going on four weeks ago? You wouldn't. But things happen in life and you have to be prepared and you have to be flexible and you have to be able to go out and get it. And my guys that we have the best professionals in the world, the best in the world and we are so ready. At the same time that I initiated the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We had a quarantine some people. They weren't happy, they weren't happy about it. I want to tell you there are a lot of people that not so happy, but after two weeks they got happy. You know who got happy? The people around them got happy. That's who got happy.
**Note: [[Luciana Borio]], former director of Medical and Biodefense Preparedness Policy at the {{w|National Security Council}}, said at a symposium at {{w|Emory University}} in [[Atlanta]] in 2018, marking the 100th anniversary of [[1918 flu pandemic]]: &quot;[[Disease X|The threat]] of {{w|pandemic flu}} is the number one health security concern, are we ready to respond? I fear the answer is no.&quot; As quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2020/03/contrary-to-trumps-claim-a-pandemic-was-widely-expected-at-some-point/ Contrary to Trump's Claim, A Pandemic Was Widely Expected at Some Point]'' (March 20, 2020) by Rem Rieder, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''.

* I also created a [[White House Coronavirus Task Force|White House virus task force]]. It's a big thing, a virus task force. I requested 2.5 billion dollars to ensure we have the resources we need. The Democrats said, &quot;That's terrible. He's doing the wrong thing. He needs eight and a half billion, not two and a half.&quot; I've never had that before. I ask for two and a half, they want to give me eight and a half, so I said, &quot;I'll take it.&quot; Does that make me a bad... I'll take it. I'll take it. I never had that before. I never had it. We want two and a half million. That's plenty. We demand you take eight and a half. He doesn't know what he's doing. We want eight and a half. These people are crazy. We must understand that border security is also health security. And you've all seen the wall has gone up like magic. It's gone up like magic. You think that was an easy one? That was not an easy one. It's going up great and we're up now 132 miles and this is the exact wall that border security, water, everything.

* So I don't know what the record attendance is in this arena, but I was told that we broke it by a lot. And you got the people outside. Are we allowed to tell them who we would like them to vote for? Because you're allowed to skip. All right, so wait a minute, let's do a poll. We do this for the fake news back there. Ready? Who would be the best candidate for us? Not for them. We're ready. Ready? So let's go through them just quickly. We won't include Steyer because he's a loser. He's out, okay? We won't include him. Who would be the best? This is a real poll. This isn't one of those fake polls taken by ... In all fairness, I love you, [[Fox News|Fox]], taken by Fox, the worst pollster. This guy ... this pollster hates Trump's guts. I was losing the last election by a fortune. They said, &quot;He did great with women.&quot; Everything was wrong. And they never replaced this guy. But watch this. You ready?

* We had a great event yesterday, an event that was so beautiful, young African American leaders. One of the things I asked them, and I’ve been thinking about this for a long time… And great people, great people. Some of them are here tonight. Do you like the name African American or Black? And they said, “Black!” all at the same time. No, true. I tell you. Because you say, “[[African American]] or Black?” And they said almost immediately, “Black.” But we had an incredible group of people and what happened is {{w|NBC}}… It was such a love fest. It was so incredible. It went on for 45 minutes. It was a love fest. It was incredible. NBC turned down… There they are right there. They turned down… {{w|Comcast}}, which owns NBC… Actually NBC, I think, we call it [[w:List of nicknames used by Donald Trump#Organizations|MSDNC]], right? MSDNC. But NBC I think is worse than CNN. I actually do. And Comcast, a company that spends millions and millions of dollars on their image… I’ll do everything possible to destroy their image because they are terrible. They are terrible. They’re a terrible group of people. And they paid me a fortune for years for [[w:The Apprentice (American TV series)|the Apprentice]]. They paid me a fortune. And when I left the show, it was doing great. When I left the show, 14 seasons, think of that, they got a [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|big movie star]]. I won’t tell you his name. Nobody would know. Actually nobody will know his name because he was on for such a short period of time. But the show went down the tubes very quickly after they had Trump. But the country in five years from now, of course you want to upset them, five years or nine years or 13 years. Or 18 years! 10 more years. Nah. Oh, they go crazy when you say it. When you say to them five more years, so it’s five, but you then say maybe nine, maybe 13, maybe 17, maybe 21, or not, maybe 21. Let’s do this. Let’s term limit ourselves at 25 years. No more than 25 years. No more. Okay. They’ll pass something in the Senate. Tim, pass it in the Senate with Lindsey, a 25 year term limit please.

====March 2020====
* Well, I think the 3.4% is really a false number. Now, and this is just my hunch, and — but based on a lot of conversations with a lot of people that do this. Because a lot people will have this and it's very mild. They'll get better very rapidly. They don't even see a doctor. They don't even call a doctor. You never hear about those people. So you can't put them down in the category of the overall population in terms of this [[Coronavirus|corona flu and/or virus]]. So you just can't do that. So, if, you know, we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work. Some of them go to work, but they get better.
** ''Hannity'', Fox News, {{#formatdate:2020-03-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-05 |author=Inae Oh |title=Trump Unleashes More Coronavirus Misinformation on National Television |periodical=Mother Jones |url=https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/03/donald-trump-coronavirus-sean-hannity/}}

* But as of right now and yesterday, anybody that needs a test — That's the important thing. And [[COVID-19 testing|the tests]] are all perfect. Like, the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.
** Comparing coronavirus tests to his Ukraine phone call that led to his impeachment
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=Trump Says Coronavirus Testing Is as ‘Perfect’ as His Ukraine Call|author=Chas Danner|periodical=New York|url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/03/trump-coronavirus-testing-as-perfect-as-ukraine-call.html}}

* They would like to have the people come off. I'd rather have the people stay, but I'd go with them. I told them to make the final decision. I would rather — because I like the numbers being where they are. I don't need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn't our fault.
** regarding Grand Princess cruise ship with 21 diagnosed cases of coronavirus
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=Trump Says ‘People Have to Remain Calm’ Amid Coronavirus Outbreak|author=Peter Baker|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/06/us/politics/trump-coronavirus-cdc.html}}

* You know, my uncle was a great person. He was at MIT. He taught at MIT for, I think, like a record number of years. He was a great super genius. Dr. John Trump. I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Every one of these doctors said, &quot;How do you know so much about this?&quot; Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for President.
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=‘Maybe I have a natural ability’: Trump plays medical expert on coronavirus by second-guessing the professionals|author=David Nakamura|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/maybe-i-have-a-natural-ability-trump-plays-medical-expert-on-coronavirus-by-second-guessing-the-professionals/2020/03/06/3ee0574c-5ffb-11ea-9055-5fa12981bbbf_story.html}}

* I've been briefed on every contingency you can possibly imagine. Many contingencies. A lot of—a lot of positive. Different numbers. All different numbers. Very large numbers. And some small numbers too, by the way.
** Regarding coronavirus. Posed question: &quot;Mr. President, have you been briefed that up to 100 million Americans would ultimately be exposed to the virus?&quot;
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-republican-senators-2/ Briefing at the White House] ({{#formatdate:2020-03-10}})

* No, '''I don't take responsibility at all''', because we were given a set of circumstances and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time.
** Asked if he took responsibility for the lag in coronavirus testing
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title='I don't take responsibility at all': Trump pushes back on complaints about coronavirus testing |author=Zachary Halaschak |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/i-dont-take-responsibility-at-all-trump-pushes-back-on-complaints-about-coronavirus-testing}}

* They're trying to scare everybody, from meetings, cancel the meetings, close the schools—you know, destroy the country. And that's okay, as long as we can win the [[2020 United States presidential election|election]].
** Fundraiser, Mar-a-Lago, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-15 |title=Trump says media 'scare' coverage of coronavirus response OK 'as long as we can win the election': Report |author=Daniel Chaitin |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/trump-says-media-scare-coverage-of-coronavirus-response-okay-as-long-as-we-can-win-the-election-report}}

* It's a very contagious virus. It's incredible. But it's something we have tremendous control of. I think very important the young people, people of good health and groups of people just are not strongly affected.
** In a White House briefing, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-15 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims US has 'tremendous control' of the coronavirus |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/03/15/politics/fact-check-trump-control-coronavirus/index.html}}

* Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment—try getting it yourselves. We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.
** Call with governors, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump tells governors to seek out respirators and other vital equipment on their own. |author=''The New York Times'' staff |periodical=The New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/16/world/coronavirus-news.html}}

* We have an invisible enemy. We have a problem a month ago nobody ever thought about. [...] This is a bad one, this is a very bad one. This is bad in the sense that it's so contagious. It's just so contagious. Sort of record-setting type contagion.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-17 |title=The Last Great Pandemic |author=Jarrett Stepman |periodical=The Daily Signal |url=https://www.dailysignal.com/2020/03/17/the-last-great-pandemic/}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Very simple question; does the buck stop with you? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your response to this crisis?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' I'd rate it a 10. I think we've done a great job. And it started with the fact that we kept a very highly infected country, despite all of the—even the professionals saying no, it's too early to do that, we were very, very early with respect to China. And we would have a whole different situation in this country if we didn't do that. I would rate it a very, very—I would rate ourselves and—and the professionals—I think the professionals have done a fantastic job.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump: I'd Rate My Response To Coronavirus a 10 |author=Ian Schwartz |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/03/16/trump_id_rate_my_response_to_coronavirus_a_10.html}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you, Mr. President?  Does the buck stop with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' Yeah, normally. But I think when you hear the—you know, this has never been done before in this country.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump says buck 'normally' stops with him — but not for coronavirus |author=Oliver Willis |periodical=American Independent |url=https://americanindependent.com/donald-trump-coronavirus-response-buck-stops-here-white-house-covid-19/}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Peter Alexander:'' How are non-symptomatic professional athletes getting tests while others are waiting in line and can't get them?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' No, I wouldn’t say so, but '''perhaps that’s been the story of life'''. That does happen on occasion and I’ve noticed where some people have been tested fairly quickly.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-18}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-18 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says it may be 'the story of life' that well-connected get testing first |author=Janelle Griffith |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/coronavirus-nyc-mayor-slams-nets-over-testing-trump-weighs-n1162971}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Peter Alexander:'' What do you say to Americans who are scared though? I guess, nearly 200 dead, 14,000 who are sick, millions, as you witnessed, who are scared right now? What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now who are scared?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' I say that you're a terrible reporter, that's what I say. I think that's a very nasty question.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-20}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-20 |title=Trump launches into tirade against media, insults NBC reporter at coronavirus briefing |author=Adam Edelman |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-rips-reporter-who-asked-him-calm-scared-americans-terrible-n1165031}}

* We're [[w:Trump administration communication during the COVID-19 pandemic#Lifting restrictions|opening up]] this incredible country. Because we have to do that. I'd love to have it open by Easter. I would love to have it opened by Easter. It's such an important day for other reasons, but I will make it an important day for this, too. I would love to have the country opened up and just rarin' to go by [[Easter]].
** Fox News town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}

* Look, Easter's a very special day for me. And I see it's sort of in that timeline that I'm thinking about. And I say, &quot;Wouldn't it be great to have all of the churches full?&quot; – you know the churches aren't allowed, essentially, to have much of a congregation there. And most of 'em, I watched on Sunday, online. And it was terrific, by the way, but online is never going to be like being there. So I think Easter Sunday, and you'll have packed churches all over our country. I think it would be a beautiful time. And it's just about the timeline that I think is right.
** Fox News interview, {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says Easter with ‘packed churches’ would be ‘beautiful time’ to reopen US |author=John T Bennett |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-coronavirus-news-reopen-us-borders-easter-holiday-a9423041.html}}

* I have a feeling that a lot of the numbers that are being said in some areas are just bigger than they’re going to be, I don't believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators. You go into major hospitals sometimes, and they’ll have two ventilators. And now all of a sudden they’re saying, 'Can we order 30,000 ventilators?'
** Speaking with [[Sean Hannity]] on [[Fox News]] on 26 March 2020. As quoted in ''[https://www.politico.com/news/2020/03/26/trump-ventilators-coronavirus-151311 Trump: I don't believe you really need that many ventilators]'', 27 March 2020, ''{{w|Politico}}''.

* Don't be a cutie pie, okay?
** Trump responding to the question “But everybody who needs one will be able to get a ventilator?” from reporter Jonathan Karl.  As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump to reporter pressing him about ventilators: 'Don't be a cutie pie' |author=Tal Axelrod |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/489958-trump-to-reporter-pressing-him-about-ventilators-dont-be-a-cutie-pie}}

* ...young people are really, this is an incredible phenomenon, but they are attacked, successfully attacked to a much lesser extent by [[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|this pandemic]], by this disease. This whatever they want to call it. '''You call it a germ, you can call it a flu, you can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I'm not sure anybody even knows what it is''', but the children do very well.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-27}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump on Coronavirus: &quot;I'm Not Sure Anybody Even Knows What It Is&quot;; &quot;You Can Call It A Germ, You Can Call It A Flu&quot; |author=Ian Schwartz |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/03/27/trump_on_coronavirus_im_not_sure_anybody_even_knows_what_it_is_you_can_call_it_a_germ_you_can_call_it_a_flu.html}}

* Just finished a very good conversation with [[Xi Jinping|President Xi]] of China. Discussed in great detail the CoronaVirus that is ravaging large parts of our Planet. China has been through much &amp; has developed a strong understanding of the Virus. We are working closely together. Much respect!
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump claims Asian Americans are angry at 'what China has done' to U.S. |author=Kimmy Yam |periodical=Yahoo News / NBC News |url=https://news.yahoo.com/trump-claims-asian-americans-angry-190959445.html}}

* Nobody could have imagined a thing like this — a tragedy like this would have happened: the invisible enemy.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* The [[Federal government of the United States|federal government]] has done something that nobody has done anything like this other than perhaps wartime. And that’s what we’re in: We’re in a war.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* My administration has done a job on really working across government and with the private sector, and it’s been incredible.  It’s a beautiful thing to watch, I have to say.  Unfortunately, the end result of the group we’re fighting — which are hundreds of billions and trillions of germs, or whatever you want to call them — they are bad news. This virus is bad news and it moves quickly, and it spreads as easily as anything anyone has ever seen.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* I just want to reiterate, because a lot of people have been asking, well, what would have happened if we did nothing? Did nothing, we just rode it out, and I’ve been asking that question to Tony and Deborah, and they’ve been talking to me about it for a long time, other people have been asking that question, and I think we got our most accurate study today, or certainly most comprehensive. Think of the number, potentially, 2.2 million people if we did nothing. If we didn’t do the distancing, if we didn’t do all of the things that we’re doing. When you hear those numbers, you start to realize that, with the kind of work we went through last week, with the $2.2 trillion, it no longer sounds like a lot, right? You’re talking about, when I heard the number today, first time I’ve heard that number, because I’ve been asking the same question that some people have been asking, I felt even better about what we did last week with the $2.2 trillion, because you’re talking about a potential of up to 2.2 million, and some people said it could even be higher than that. So you’re talking about 2.2 million deaths. 2.2 million people from this. If we can hold that down as we’re saying, to 100,000, it’s a horrible number. Maybe even less, but to 100,000, so we have between 100 and 200,000, we altogether have done a very good job. 2.2, up to 2.2 million deaths and maybe even beyond that? I’m feeling very good about what we did last week.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, March 29, 2020, [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-march-29-trump-extends-task-force-guidelines-to-april-30 transcript online] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''

* I know South Korea better than anybody, it's a very tight — do you know how many people are in Seoul? Do you know how big the city of Seoul is? 38 million people. That's bigger than anything we have.
** Trump talking about Seoul, which is a city with 10 million people according to the city government's English language website. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-30 |title=Trump tried to flex by asking a reporter about the population of Seoul. Then he got it wrong by 28 million. |author=Jake Lahut |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-trump-got-the-population-of-seoul-wrong-by-millions-2020-3?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

====April 2020====
* It's called &quot;[[social media]].&quot; It's social media. It gets out. I have, you know, hundreds of millions of people. Number one on [[Facebook]].  Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I mean, I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. I thought that was very nice for whatever it means. No, it represents something. And when I can explain to people: Just don't do it. You know, it's going to be bad if you do it. It's going to be really bad. And they don't need to do it. They have enough problems. [[Iran]] has enough problems without doing that. But we’ve been pulling back very substantially over the last year, in [[Iraq]]. And so, you know, that's the way it is.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-01}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-01 |title=Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing |author=James S. Brady |periodical=White House |url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-16/}}.
** Note: At April 1, [https://web.archive.org/web/20200401020635if_/https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/ Trump's official page], with 26.8 million likes and 28.5 million followers, was not among the [[w:List of most-followed Facebook pages|most-followed Facebook pages]]. At January 6, speaking on [[Rush Limbaugh]]'s radio show Trump stated that [[Mark Zuckerberg]] told him that he was &quot;number one on Facebook&quot;, claim that was not refuted by Facebook as reported in ''[https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/trump-mark-zuckerberg-facebook_n_5e12e125e4b0843d3615393f Trump Claims Mark Zuckerberg Told Him He's 'Number One On Facebook']'' (January 8, 2020) by Josephine Harvey, ''{{w|HuffPost Australia}}''

* We’re working to ensure that the supplies are delivered where and when they’re needed, and in some cases, we’re telling governors we can’t go there because we don’t think you need it and we think someplace else needs it. And pretty much, so far, we’ve been right about that. And we’ll continue to do it. As it really gets — this will be probably the toughest week between this week and next week. And there’ll be a lot of death, unfortunately, but a lot less death than if this wasn’t done. But there will be death.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-19/ Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing]'' (April 4, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''

* So we’ve done 1,670,000 tests. Think of that 1,670,000 tests. And we have a great system. Now we’re working with the states in almost all instances, but we have a great system. And the other thing that we bought a tremendous amount of is the [[Hydroxychloroquine|hydroxy chloroquine]]. Hydroxy chloroquine, which I think is, you know, it’s a great [[malaria]] drug. It’s worked unbelievably. It’s a powerful drug on malaria and [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|there are signs]] that it works on this, some very strong signs and in the meantime it’s been around a long time. It also works very powerfully on lupus, so there are some very strong powerful signs and we’ll have to see because again, it’s tested.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* Now this is a new thing that just happened to as the invisible enemy we call it. And if you can, if you have a no signs of heart problems, the {{w|azithromycin}}, which will kill certain things that you don’t want living within your body. It’s a powerful drug. If you don’t have a problem, a heart problem, we would say, let your doctor think about it, but as a combination, I think they’re going to be, I think there’s two things that should be looked at very strongly. Now, we have purchased and we have stockpiled 29 million pills of the hydroxy chloroquine, 29 million. A lot of drug stores have them by prescription and also, and they’re not expensive. Also, we’re sending them to various labs. Our military, we’re sending them to the hospitals, we’re sending them all over. I just think it’s something, you know the expression, I’ve used it for certain reasons.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* What do you have to lose? What do you have to lose? And a lot of people are saying that when … and are taking it, if you’re a doctor, a nurse, a first responder, a medical person going into hospitals, they say taking it before the fact is good, but what do you have to lose? They say, take it, I’m not looking at it one way or the other, but we want to get out of this. If it does work, it would be a shame if we didn’t do it early. But we have some very good signs. So that’s hydroxy chloroquine and as azithromycin, and again, you have to go through your medical people get the approval. But I’ve seen things that I sort of like, so what do I know? I’m not a doctor, I’m not a doctor, but I have common sense.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* The [[w:Food and Drug Administration|FDA]] feels good about it. They’ve, as you know, they’ve approved it. They gave it a rapid approved approval. And the reason because it’s been out there for a long time and they know the side effects and they also know the potential. So based on that, we have sent it throughout the country. We have it stockpiled about 29 million doses, 29 million doses. We have a lot of it. We hope it works. Driven by the goal of the brightest minds in science. We have the brightest minds in science, but we were driven by the goal of getting rid of this plague, getting rid of this scourge, getting rid of this virus. These brilliant minds are working on the most effective antiviral therapies and vaccines. We are working very, very hard. I have met many of the doctors that are doing it. These are doctors that are working so hard on vanquishing the virus.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.
** Note: Hydroxychloroquine use is not approved by the FDA [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|for COVID-19]] as of 7 April 2020.

* I want them to try it. It may work, and it may not work. But if it doesn’t work, it’s nothing lost by doing it. Nothing. Because we know long-term what I want. I want to save lives, and I don’t want it to be in a lab for the next year-and-a-half as people are dying all over the place. In [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in France|France]], they had a very good test. They’re continuing. But we don’t have time to go and say, gee, let’s take a couple of years and test it out, and let’s go and test with the test tubes and the laboratories. We don’t have time. I’d love to do that, but we have people dying today. As we speak, there are people dying. If it works, that’d be great. If it doesn’t work, we know for many years malaria, it’s incredible what it’s done for malaria. It’s incredible what it’s done for lupus, but it doesn’t kill people.
** On using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19). Coronavirus Task Force Briefing (April 5, 2020). [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* '''Speaker to [[Anthony Fauci]]''': And would you also weigh in on this issue of hydroxychloroquine? What do you think about this and what is the medical evidence?
:'''Donald Trump''': You know how many times he’s answered that question?
:'''Speaker''': I’d love to hear from the doctor.
:'''Donald Trump''': Maybe 15. 15 times. You don’t have to ask the question.
:'''Speaker''': He’s your medical expert, correct?
:'''Donald Trump''': He answered that question 15 times.
:* On using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19). Coronavirus Task Force Briefing (April 5, 2020). [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''

* She created over 15 million jobs.
** Donald Trump talking about his daughter Ivanka Trump in a call with business leaders.  No explanation or supporting evidence was provided.  {{citation |date=2020-04-07 |title=Trump claims that his daughter created 10 percent of all the jobs in the United States |author=Ian Millhiser |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/4/8/21212802/trump-ivanka-10-percent-jobs-walmart-15-million}}

* This is a very brilliant enemy. You know, it's a brilliant enemy. They develop drugs like the antibiotics, you see it. Antibiotics used to solve every problem. Now one of the biggest problems the world has is the germ has gotten so brilliant, that the antibiotic can't keep up with it. And they're constantly trying to come up with a new— People go to a hospital and they catch– They go for a heart operation, that's no problem, but they end up dying from, from... problems. You know the problems I'm talking about.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-10 |title=Watch: Trump Appears To Believe That Coronavirus Is A Bacteria, Not A Virus |author=Jake Thomas |periodical=The Intellectualist |url=https://mavenroundtable.io/theintellectualist/news/watch-trump-appears-to-believe-that-coronavirus-is-a-bacteria-not-a-virus-qNAKtyts0UCLxCPxQv0EQg}}
* When someone is president of the United States the authority is total.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-13}}, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-13 |title=CNN reporter flat-out contradicts Trump to his face when he claims king-like authority |author=Cody Fenwick |periodical=RawStory |url=https://www.rawstory.com/2020/04/cnn-reporter-flat-out-contradicts-trump-to-his-face-when-he-claims-king-like-authority/}}

* The delays the [[WHO]] experienced in declaring a [[w:Public health emergency|public health emergency]] cost valuable time tremendous amounts of time; more time was lost in the delay it took to get a team of international experts and to examine the outbreak which we wanted to do which they should have done. The inability of the WHO to obtain virus samples to this date has deprived the scientific community of essential data. New data that emerges across the world on a daily basis points to the unreliability of the initial reports and the world received all sorts of false information about transmission and mortality. The silence of the WHO on the disappearance of scientific researchers and doctors and new restrictions on the sharing of research into the origins of COVID-19 in the country of origin is deeply concerning especially when we put up by far the largest amount of money, not even close. Had the WHO done its job to get medical experts into China to objectively assess the situation on the ground and to call out China's lack of transparency, the outbreak could have been contained as a source with very little death, very little death, and certainly very little death by comparison. This would have saved thousands of lives and avoided worldwide economic damage. Instead the WHO willingly took China's assurances to face value, and they took it just at face value and defended the actions of the Chinese government, even praising China for its so-called transparency. I don't think so. The WHO pushed China's misinformation about the virus, saying it was not communicable, and there was no need for travel bans. They told us when we put on our travel ban a very strong travel ban, there was no need to do it. Don't do it; they actually fought us. The WHO's reliance on China's disclosures likely caused a 20-fold increase in cases worldwide, and it may be much more than that.
** White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 14, 2020), [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/04/14/trump_halts_who_funding_full_accountability_for_pushing_chinas_misinformation_about_coronavirus.html transcript online] at ''{{w|RealClearPolitics}}''

* Look, I could tell you about — and I’m not going to do it, because I didn’t want to bring it up — but I could tell you about events that took place.  And I said things like, “You’ll never do that again” or “You’ll never do this again” or — I don’t even want to mention the events.  I don’t want to mention what you’re supposed to be doing because — and you know one of them was so horrible.  I said, “A certain industry will be out of business — never happen again.”  Two weeks later, it was like nothing ever happened.  Hopefully, we get rid of this.  We have tremendous talent up here and all over, including governors, including local governments, state governments. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-april-17-2020/ Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing | April 17, 2020]

* That’s why your ratings are so bad because you’re pathetic. Go ahead. Let’s go. Your ratings are terrible. You got to get back to real news. Go ahead.
** Trump interrupting a reporter who started a question with &quot;The first of the month is next week ... &quot;   White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 19, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-press-conference-transcript-april-19 Donald Trump Coronavirus Press Conference Transcript April 19]

* I think I read yesterday a report that we’ve done more than everybody — every other country — combined, &lt;BR&gt;
* We’ve tested more than every other country in the world even put together.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-21 |title=Trump just said the US has done more coronavirus testing than the rest of the world. Not even close. |author=Aaron Rupar |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/4/21/21230400/trump-coronavirus-briefing-testing-other-countries-combined}}
** Note: At that time, the US had done just above 4 million tests, while worldwide more than 20 million tests had been done.  

*And then I see '''the disinfectant''' where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute.&lt;br&gt;And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning?&lt;br&gt;Because, you see, it gets on the lungs, and it does a tremendous number on the lungs.&lt;br&gt;So it'd be interesting to check that.&lt;br&gt;So that you're going to have to use medical doctors, but it sounds — it sounds interesting to me.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-23 |title='It's irresponsible and it's dangerous': Experts rip Trump's idea of injecting disinfectant to treat COVID-19 |author=Jan C. Timm |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2020-election/it-s-irresponsible-it-s-dangerous-experts-rip-trump-s-n1191246}}
** Note: Trump's Food and Drug Administration specifically warned against drinking the chemicals in disinfectants, noting that consumption of such products &quot;can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and symptoms of severe dehydration.&quot;
***despite this, Biden in July 2020 misquoted Trump as advocating drinking bleach

* So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light and I think you said that hasn't been checked but you’re going to test it. And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.
** Trump, suggesting a way to cure COVID-19, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-23 |title='Jaw-Dropping’: Trump Slammed for Touting Dangerous New Virus Treatments After Favored Drug Is Discredited |author=Hunter Woodall |periodical=Daily Beast |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-slammed-for-touting-sunlight-uv-light-bleach-as-possible-covid-19-treatments-during-briefing}}

* And we’re — really, I’m very happy the governors have been — the governors, really, have been doing a really good job working with us, and it’s — it’s, really, pretty impressive to see.  I’ve spoken to numerous leaders of countries over the last 48 hours, and they are saying we’re leading the way.  We’re really leading the way in so many different ways.
** White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 23, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-press-conference-transcript-april-23 Donald Trump Coronavirus Press Conference Transcript April 23]

* I work from early in the morning until late at night, haven’t left the White House in many months (except to launch Hospital Ship Comfort) in order to take care of Trade Deals, Military Rebuilding etc., and then I read a phony story in the failing @nytimes about my work schedule and eating habits, written by a third rate reporter who knows nothing about me. I will often be in the Oval Office late into the night &amp; read &amp; see that I am angrily eating a hamberger &amp; Diet Coke in my bedroom. People with me are always stunned. Anything to demean!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title='Hambergers' and 'Noble prizes': Trump attacks press in furious Twitter rant riddled with spelling errors |author=Alex Woodward |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-latest-coronavirus-hamburger-nobel-prize-russia-a9485006.html}}

* When will all of the 'reporters' who have received Noble Prizes for their work on Russia, Russia, Russia, only to have been proven totally wrong (and, in fact, it was the other side who committed the crimes) be turning back their cherished 'Nobles' so that they can be given to the REAL REPORTERS &amp; JOURNALISTS who got it right.
** Tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title=Trump calls for journalists who covered the Russia investigation to return their 'Noble Prizes' in Twitter rant before deleting it |author=James Pasley |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-deletes-tweet-calling-for-journalists-to-return-noble-prizes-2020-4?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* What is the purpose of having White House News Conferences when the Lamestream Media asks nothing but hostile questions, &amp; then refuses to report the truth or facts accurately. They get record ratings, &amp; the American people get nothing but Fake News. Not worth the time &amp; effort!
** Tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title=Trump says briefings 'not worth the effort' amid fallout from disinfectant comments |author=Lauren Aratani |periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/apr/25/donald-trump-stays-away-from-briefings-amid-fallout-from-disinfectant-comments}}

* I can't imagine why.
** Trump was answering a question from a journalist about rise in misuse of disinfectants the last few days, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-27 |title=Trump Says He Takes No Responsibility For People Ingesting Disinfectant |author=Lydia O'Connor |periodical=Huffpost |url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-no-responsibility-disinfectant-use_n_5ea75b7dc5b6a30004e6e509}}

* The only reason the U.S. has reported one million cases of CoronaVirus is that our Testing is sooo much better than any other country in the World. 
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-29 |title=Trump still seems to not understand how bad the coronavirus crisis is |author=Stephen Collinson |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/04/29/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-politics-pence/index.html}}

* '''Donald Trump:''' And you have to understand: When we took over, the cupboards were bare. And the thing that — frankly, it’s not as tough as the ventilator situation. We’re the king of ventilators. But what we have done is — on testing, we’re doing numbers the likes of which nobody has ever seen before. And I told you, the President of South Korea, [[Moon Jae-in|President Moon]], called me to congratulate me on testing. And we did more tests than any other country anywhere in the world. And I think they told me yesterday a number — if you add up the rest of the world, we’ve done more testing. And it’s a higher quality test. So I think we’ve done a — I think the whole team, federal government — we built hospitals for you and others.
: '''{{w|Phil Murphy}}:''' You bet.
: '''Donald Trump:''' We built medical centers. And I’m talking about thousands and thousands of beds. Many, many medical centers. We had — as you know, we had the governor of Florida and the governor of Louisiana over the last two days. They could not have been — and one was a Democrat, and this gentleman happens to be a proud Democrat. They could not have been more supportive of the effort of the federal government. And I’ll tell you, Jim —
: '''{{w|James Acosta}}:''' But aren’t you seeing massive lines for food?
: '''Donald Trump:''' Let me just tell you, we have — we started off with empty cupboards. The last administration left us nothing. We started off with bad, broken tests and obsolete tests. What we’ve come up with, between the {{w|Abbott Laboratories}}, where you have the five-minute test. Did they test you today?
: '''Phil Murphy:''' They did test me.
: '''Donald Trump:''' Good. Now I feel better. (Laughter.)
: '''Phil Murphy:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m negative.
: '''Donald Trump:''' You did the five-minute — the Abbott test.
: '''Phil Murphy:''' I did the quick turnaround.
: '''Donald Trump:''' It’s so great.
: '''Phil Murphy:''' I feel like a new man.
: '''Donald Trump:'''  That’s a brand — you know what? That’s a brand-new test. That didn’t exist eight weeks ago, and now it’s like the rage. Everybody wants that test. No, I think we’ve done — I think we’ve done a really great job.
:* About [[Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic|the lack]] of tests for the novel coronavirus, ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-governor-murphy-new-jersey/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Governor Murphy of New Jersey]'' (April 30, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''. Quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-blame-obama-covid-tests/ Did Trump Blame Obama for ‘Bad’ COVID-19 Tests?]'' by Bethania Palma, 1 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''
:* Note: No previous administration could have prepared a test for a disease which had yet to emerge. COVID-19 emerged during [[Trump's presidency]], the test was designed in 2020 by the [[Centers for Disease Control]] under the Trump administration. See {{w|Misinformation related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Presidential}}

* These are very good people, but they are angry. 
** Trump described armed demonstrators who stormed the state Capitol in Michigan, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-01 |title=Trump urges Michigan governor to give in to ‘very good people’ who stormed statehouse with guns |author=Travis Gettys |periodical=Rawstory |url=https://www.rawstory.com/2020/05/trump-urges-michigan-governor-to-give-in-to-very-good-people-who-stormed-statehouse-with-guns/}}

====May 2020====
*I have not touched my face in a week.
**[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-face-touching-video-proof_n_5e601ac1c5b6985ec91abce1 ]
* I can't tell you that. I'm not allowed to tell you that.
** Trump was answering what his basis was for claiming that the coronavirus emerged from a virology lab in the Wuhan city of China, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-01 |title='It Came Out Of China, Could Have Been Stopped': Prez Donald Trump On Coronavirus |author=PTI |periodical=Outlook |url=https://www.outlookindia.com/website/story/world-news-it-came-out-of-china-could-have-been-stopped-prez-donald-trump-on-coronavirus/351848}}

* We will be AIDS-free within 8 years. We started, 10 years. Should've started in the previous administration. They did nothing. It started at my administration.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-03 |title=Fact check: Trump peppers Fox News town hall with false claims on coronavirus and other topics |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/03/politics/fact-check-fox-news-townhall-trump-may-3/index.html}}

* With all of that unity we have, in one sense, we have great unity, in another sense, I think they're going to come along, I mean, you know, I certainly hope so, but the main thing I have to do is bring our country back, and I want to get it back to where it was or maybe beyond where it was, you know, we have tremendous stimulus, all the money we've been talking about so far tonight.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-04 |title=The 45 most shocking lines from Donald Trump's Lincoln Memorial Fox town hall |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/04/politics/donald-trump-fox-lincoln-memorial/index.html}}

* So in [[California]], the Democrats, who fought like crazy to get all mail in only ballots, and succeeded, have just opened a voting booth in the most Democrat area in the State. They are trying to steal another election. It’s all rigged out there. These votes must not count. SCAM!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-09 |title=In Deranged Tweets Trump Says that All California Votes ‘Must Not Count’ |author=Mark NC |periodical=News Corpse |url=https://www.newscorpse.com/ncWP/?p=45212}}

* We are getting great marks for the handling of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|CoronaVirus pandemic]], especially the very early BAN of people from China, the infectious source, entering the USA. Compare that to the Obama/Sleepy [[Joe Biden|Joe]] disaster known as H1N1 Swine Flu. Poor marks, bad polls - didn’t have a clue!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-10 |title=Trump claims he is ‘getting great marks’ for coronavirus response as US death toll nears 80,000
|author=Richard Hall |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-coronavirus-us-response-barack-obama-joe-biden-a9507346.html}}

* If people want to get tested, they get tested.
** Quoted in  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims, again, that anybody who wants a test can get one |author=By Daniel Dale, David Wright, Arman Azad, Holmes Lybrand | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/11/politics/trump-fact-check-may-11/index.html}}

* Coronavirus numbers are looking MUCH better, going down almost everywhere.
** Quoted in  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Trump points to 'the numbers,' which don't say what he thinks they say |author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC | url=https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/trump-points-numbers-which-don-t-say-what-he-thinks-n1205336}}

* We have to close the country. And I said, say it again. They said, sir, you have to close the country. Nobody ever heard of a thing like this but they were right because if I didn't we would have lost two million, two and a half million, maybe more than that people.
** Quoted by  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Why Donald Trump's idea that he saved millions of lives is laughable |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/11/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-quarantine/index.html}}

* Asian Americans are VERY angry at what China has done to our Country, and the World. Chinese Americans are the most angry of all. I don’t blame them!
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-12 |title=Trump claims Asian Americans are angry at 'what China has done' to U.S. |author=Kimmy Yam |periodical=Yahoo News / NBC News |url=https://news.yahoo.com/trump-claims-asian-americans-angry-190959445.html}}

* To me it's not an acceptable answer, especially when it comes to schools
** Trump was commenting on a statement from infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, warning that getting businesses and schools back open too quickly would lead to unnecessary suffering and death, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-13 |title=Trump's rebuke of Fauci encapsulates rejection of science in virus fight |author=Stephen Collinson |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/14/politics/donald-trump-anthony-fauci-science-coronavirus/index.html}}

* If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-16 |title=Trump seems to think there’d be no coronavirus if there was no testing. It doesn’t work like that. |author=Aaron Rupar |periodical=VOX |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/5/15/21259888/trump-coronavirus-testing-very-few-cases}}

* A lot of doctors take it. I take it.
* I would have told you that three or four days ago, but we never had a chance, because you never asked me the question.
** Trump, about taking the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine to prevent Covid-19 disease, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-18 |title=FDA: This Drug Could Kill You. Trump: I’m Taking It! |author=Justin Paragona, Adam Rawnsley |periodical=The Daily Beast |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-reveals-hes-now-taking-unproven-anti-malarial-drug-fda-warned-against}}

* When we have a lot of cases, I don’t look at that as a bad thing — I look at that in a certain respect as being a good thing because it means our testing is much better. ... So I view it as a badge of honour, really,
** Trump talked about the 1.59 million confirmed cases of Covid-19, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-19 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says it’s ‘badge of honour’ for US to lead world in Covid-19 cases |author=Oliver O'Connell |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-coronavirus-cases-us-covid-death-toll-a9523166.html}}

* Breaking: [[Michigan]] sends absentee ballots to 7.7 million people ahead of Primaries and the General Election. This was done illegally and without authorization by [[Jocelyn Benson|a rogue Secretary of State]]. I will ask to hold up funding to Michigan if they want to go down this Voter Fraud path!
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-20 |title=Trump’s False Tweet About Michigan Absentee Ballot Applications |author=D'Angelo Gore |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/05/trumps-false-tweet-about-michigan-absentee-ballot-applications/}}

* And, you know, when you say “per capita,” there’s many per capitas. It’s, like, per capita relative to what? But you can look at just about any category, and we’re really at the top, meaning positive on a per capita basis, too. They’ve done a great job.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-20 |title=Did Trump Say There Are ‘Many Per Capitas’ During a COVID-19 Discussion? |author=Kim LaCapria |periodical=TruthOrFiction.com |url=https://www.truthorfiction.com/did-president-trump-say-there-were-many-per-capitas-in-a-covid-19-discussion/}}

* I didn’t want to give the press the pleasure of seeing it.
** Trump commented on why he didn't wear a face mask as a protection against the coronavirus at a visit to a factory, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title=Trump Goes Without Mask For Public Tour of Michigan Factory, Says He ‘Didn’t Want to Give the Press the Pleasure’ of Seeing Him Wearing One |author=Madeleine Carlisle |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5840833/trump-michigan-ford-plant-tour-mask/}}

* Yeah. I tested positively toward negative, right? So, no, I tested perfectly this morning, meaning—meaning I tested negative... But that’s a way of saying it: positively toward the negative.
** On having had a coronavirus test, spoken to reporters on the White House lawn, 2020-05-21. {{citation |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-tested-very-positively/ |title=Did Trump Say He ‘Tested Very Positively’ for COVID-19, Meaning Negative? | publisher={{w|Snopes}} |date=May 22, 2020 |accessdate=May 22, 2020 |author=Bethania Palma}}

* I was honored five years ago, ‘man of the year’ in Michigan.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Trump’s Dubious Michigan ‘Man of the Year’ Boast |author=Robert Farley |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2019/08/trumps-dubious-michigan-man-of-the-year-boast/}}

* There is NO WAY (ZERO!) that Mail-In Ballots will be anything less than substantially fraudulent. Mail boxes will be robbed, ballots will be forged &amp; even illegally printed out &amp; fraudulently signed. The [[Gavin Newsom|Governor of California]] is sending Ballots to millions of people, anyone living in the state, no matter who they are or how they got there, will get one. That will be followed up with professionals telling all of these people, many of whom have never even thought of voting before, how, and for whom, to vote. This will be a Rigged Election. No way!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1265255835124539392 Twitter (26 May 2020)]

* Imagine if your local phone companies tried to edit or censor what you said. Social media companies have far more power.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-28 |title=Donald Trump just used a ridiculous comparison to justify his social media crackdown |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/28/politics/donald-trump-twitter-facebook-social-media-executive-order/index.html}}

====June 2020====
[[File:President Trump Visits St. John's Episcopal Church (49963649028).jpg|thumb|You have to dominate or you'll look like a bunch of jerks, you have to arrest and try people.]]
* You have to dominate or you'll look like a bunch of jerks, you have to arrest and try people.
* You don't have to be too careful.
** Trump ordering US governors on how to react against people protesting against police violence following the murder of George Floyd, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-01 |title=An agitated Trump encourages governors to use aggressive tactics on protesters |author=Kevin Liptak, Ryan Nobles, Sarah Westwood |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/01/politics/donald-trump-race-police/index.html}}

*[[Washington, D.C.]], was the safest place on earth last night!
**[https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/1267959729361485825 2 June 2020 tweet] quoted [https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2020-06-07/ap-fact-check-trump-exaggerations-on-blacks-economic-gains 8 June 2020] by [[US News]]

* It’s a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody. This is a great, great day in terms of quality.
** Trump claimed that the US economy was &quot;back on track&quot;, and connected this with George Floyd, who had been murdered by the police some days earlier, as quoted by by {{citation |date=2020-06-05 |title=Trump Criticised For Saying George Floyd Is Looking Down And Calling It ‘A Great Day’
 |author=Emma Rosemurgey |periodical=UNILAD |url=https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/trump-criticised-for-saying-george-floyd-is-looking-down-and-calling-it-a-great-day/}}

* Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur. 75 year old Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan police communications in order to black out the equipment. @OANN I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming scanner. Could be a set up?
** Trump repeated suggestions, without providing evidence, regarding the peaceful protester Martin Gugino who suffered brain damage after being handled brutally by the police.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-09 |title=Trump Accuses 75-Year-Old Knocked Down By Buffalo Police Of Faking Fall
|author=Cameron Frew |periodical=UNILAD |url=https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/trump-accuses-75-year-old-knocked-down-by-buffalo-police-of-faking-fall/}}

* I think I’ve done more for the black community than any other President and let’s take a pass on Abraham Lincoln because he did good but although it’s always questionable, you know in other words the end result.
**Trump discussing his leadership and relationship with the African-American community during the {{w|George Floyd protests}}, spoken on a Fox News interview, archived at &quot;[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/06/what-was-trump-trying-to-say-about-abraham-lincoln.html What Was Trump Trying to Say About Abraham Lincoln?]&quot; by Jeremy Stahl (June 12, 2020), published in ''{{w|Slate (magazine)|Slate}}''.

* He is a liar ... everybody in the White House hated [[John Bolton]].
** Trump described John Bolton, who was picked by Trump to be Security Adviser, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-15 |title=Trump brands John Bolton a ‘LIAR’ and says ‘everybody in the White House hated him’ after bombshell book extracts |author=Nicole Darrah |periodical=The Sun |url=https://www.the-sun.com/news/999925/trump-john-bolton-book-white-house-liar/}}

* These are the people – the best, the smartest, the most brilliant anywhere, and they’ve come up with the AIDS vaccine. They’ve come up with ... various things.
** Claimed about scientists, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-16 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump on an AIDS vaccine that doesn’t exist |author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen |periodical=News 12 |url=https://www.kxii.com/content/news/AP-FACT-CHECK-Trump-on-an-AIDS-vaccine-that-doesnt-exist-571309161.html/}}

*I did something good: I made [[Juneteenth]] very famous.&lt;br&gt;It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it.
**Wednesday 17 June 2020 interview in the Oval Office according to [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-talks-juneteenth-john-bolton-economy-in-wsj-interview-11592493771 19 June 2020 article] by [[Michael Bender]] of [[Wall Street Journal]], highlighted [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jun/20/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-crowd-empty-seats 21 June 2020] by [[Richard Wolffe]] of [[The Guardian]]

* I said, 'General, there's no way I can make it down that ramp without falling on my ass, general. I have no railing.'
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-20 |title=1,798 words that prove how obsessed Donald Trump is with the West Point ramp story
 |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/22/politics/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-west-point-ramp/index.html |lang=en-US}}

* Your 401(k)s and money itself will be worthless.
** Claimed about what will happen if Joe Biden wins the next president election, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-20 |title=Lying again about the pandemic, Trump made 200 false claims from early June to early July |author=Daniel Dale, Tara Subramaniam
|periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/18/politics/fact-check-trump-june-july-2020/index.html |lang=en-US}}

*By the way, it’s a disease, without question [that] has more names than any disease in history. I can name “kung flu.” I can name 19 different versions of names. Many call it a virus, which it is. Many call it a flu. What difference? I think we have 19 or 20 different versions of the name.
** Discussing the [[COVID-19 pandemic]] at a {{w|Donald Trump's Tulsa rally|campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma on June 21}}, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-21 |title=This Is How Trump Plans to Beat Biden |author=Osita Nwanevu |periodical={{w|The New Republic}} |url=https://newrepublic.com/article/158245/trump-plans-beat-biden |lang=en-US}}

* RIGGED [[2020 United States presidential election|2020 ELECTION]]: MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS WILL BE PRINTED BY FOREIGN COUNTRIES, AND OTHERS. IT WILL BE THE SCANDAL OF OUR TIMES!
** Claim quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-22 |title=FACT CHECK: Trump Spreads Unfounded Claims About Voting By Mail |author=Miles Parks |periodical=NPR |url=https://apnews.com/1d1a98892bdc7e1df97807b3be48bb13 |lang=en-US}}

* Cases up only because of our big number testing. Mortality rate way down!!!
* It’s fading away, it’s going to fade away.
* We have got the greatest testing program anywhere in the world.
* We’ve done too good a job.
* You know testing is a double-edged sword. ... Here’s the bad part. When you test to that extent, you are going to find more people, find more cases. So I said to my people, ‘Slow the testing down please.’
** Claimed about the Covid-19 pandemic, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-23 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Sober science weighs in on Trump’s virus take
 |author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen |periodical=AP |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/06/22/881598655/fact-check-trump-spreads-unfounded-claims-about-voting-by-mail |lang=en-US}}
*I said to my people &lt;i&gt;slow the testing down please&lt;/i&gt;
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baHR5E952H8 referring to [[COVID-19 testing]] during a Jun 21, 2020 campaign ralley in [[w:Tulsa, Oklahoma]] ]

* Well, one of the things that will be really great, you know the word experience is still good. I always say talent is more important than experience. I’ve always said that. But the word experience is a very important word. It’s an — a very important meaning.  I never did this before. I never slept over in Washington. I was in Washington, I think, 17 times. All of a sudden, I’m president of the United States. You know the story. I’m riding down Pennsylvania Avenue with our First Lady and I say, ‘This is great. But I didn’t know very many people in Washington. It wasn’t my thing. I was from Manhattan, from New York. Now I know everybody, and I have great people in the administration.  You make some mistakes. Like, you know, an idiot like [[John R. Bolton|Bolton]]. All he wanted to do was drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to kill people.
** Trump was responding to the question &quot;What are your top priorities for a second term?&quot;, as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Trump Rambles Unintelligibly About Plan for Second Term  |author=Adam K Raymond |periodical= NY Mag|url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/06/trump-hannity-interview-full-of-unintelligible-rambling.html    }}

* Nobody briefed or told me, @VP Pence, or Chief of Staff [[Mark Meadows|@MarkMeadows]] about the so-called attacks on our troops in [[Afghanistan]] by Russians
** Trump commented on a news report saying that Russian spies are paying Taliban for killing US soldiers in Afghanistan, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-28 | title=Trump denies he was briefed on reported bounties on US troops |author=Kyle Balluck |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/504890-trump-denies-he-was-briefed-on-reported-bounties-on-us-troops |lang=en-US}}

* Can't you just shoot them? Just shoot them in the legs or something?
** Said in June 2020, about demonstrators in the streets around the White House following the murder of George Floyd, according to former Defense Secretary Mark Esper, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/mark-esper-book-trump-protesters-24e93272-2af5-423d-be3b-164daab7b43d.html &quot;Scoop: Esper says Trump wanted to shoot protesters&quot;], Axios, 2 May 2022

====July 2020====
* I think we’re gonna be very good with the coronavirus. I think that at some point that’s going to, sort of, just disappear—I hope.
** Spoken on a morning news talk show regarding the [[COVID-19]] pandemic; at the time, the United States had over 120,000 deaths from the virus and over 2.5{{nbsp}}million infections. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-01 |title=Trump again claims coronavirus is ‘going to just disappear’ as US sees record number of new cases |author=Richard Hall |periodical=The Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-coronavirus-cases-us-fox-news-interview-today-covid-a9596631.html}}

* Against every law of society and nature, our children are taught in school to hate their own country and to believe that the men and women who built it were not heroes but that were villains. The radical view of American history is a web of lies, all perspective is removed, every virtue is obscured, every motive is twisted, every fact is distorted, and every flaw is magnified until the history is purged and the record is disfigured beyond all recognition.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-03 |title=Biden tells teachers they have ‘the most important’ job on same day Trump says they teach children to ‘hate their country’ |author=Valerie Strauss |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election/biden-trump-teachers-education-policy-2020-election-a9603156.html}}

* In our schools, our newsrooms, even our corporate boardrooms, there is a new far left fascism that demands absolute allegiance.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-03 |title=The 28 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's Mount Rushmore speech
 |author=Valerie Strauss |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/04/politics/donald-trump-mount-rushmore-south-dakota-speech-lines/index.html}}

* We got hit by the virus that came from China.  We’ve made a lot of progress. Our strategy is moving along well. 
* We’ve learned how to put out the flame.
* Now we have tested almost 40m people. By so doing, we show cases, 99% of which are totally harmless.
** Trump was describing the situation with Covid-19, where more than 128 000 had died out of around 2,800,000 found cases at that time, a death rate of more than 4 %, and around 40,000 to 50,000 new cases were found per day, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-04 |title=Trump claims 99% of US Covid-19 cases are 'totally harmless' as infections surge |author=David Smith |periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jul/05/trump-claims-99-of-us-covid-19-cases-are-totally-harmless-as-infections-surge}}

* We’re very much going to put pressure on governors and everybody else to open the schools.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-07 |title=Column: Trump demands schools reopen or funds might be cut — our (expendable) kids must face the virus! |author=Rex Huppke |periodical=Chicago Tribune |url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-coronavirus-schools-trump-reopen-devos-florida-texas-covid-huppke-20200708-eeb6di3ml5cilk35hzl5ix5l6m-story.html}}

* We have -- consumer confidence has risen 12 points since April, an all-time high. Think of that.
** Untrue claim, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-09 |title=Fact check: Exaggerating again, Trump claims four non-record economic figures are records |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/06/politics/fact-check-trump-june-jobs-exaggerations/index.html}}

* Too many Universities and School Systems are about Radical Left Indoctrination, not [[Education]].  Therefore, I am telling the [[w:United States Department of the Treasury|Treasury Department]] to re-examine their Tax-Exempt Status and/or Funding, which will be taken away if this Propaganda or Act Against Public Policy continues. Our children must be Educated, not Indoctrinated!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-11 |title=Doctors, teachers reject Trump's pressure to reopen U.S. schools
 |author=Susan Heavey |periodical=Reuters |url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-uda-education/in-bid-to-reopen-u-s-schools-trump-threatens-their-tax-exempt-status-idUSKBN24B2D3?il=0}}

* Deaths in the U.S. are way down.
* For the 1/100th time, the reason we show so many Cases, compared to other countries that haven’t done nearly as well as we have, is that our TESTING is much bigger and better. We have tested 40,000,000 people. If we did 20,000,000 instead, Cases would be half, etc. NOT REPORTED!
* We have the lowest Mortality Rate in the World.
* Job growth is biggest in history.
* Economy and Jobs are growing MUCH faster than anyone (except me!) expected.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-11 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump keeps repeating false pandemic information |author= Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen, and Christopher Rugaber|periodical=Sentinel Colorado |url=https://sentinelcolorado.com/news/nation-world/fact-check/ap-fact-check-trump-keeps-repeating-false-pandemic-information/}}

* I disagreed with doing this very small (tiny) section of wall, in a tricky area, by a private group which raised money by ads.  It was only done to make me look bad, and perhsps it now doesn't even work. Should have been built like rest of Wall, 500 plus miles.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-12 |title=Trump says possibly unstable section of border wall funded by supporters was 'only done to make me look bad'|author= Catherine Garcia | periodical=The Week |url=https://theweek.com/speedreads/925124/trump-says-possibly-unstable-section-border-wall-funded-by-supporters-only-done-make-look-bad}}

* I know people that like the [[w:Confederate flag|Confederate flag]] and they're not thinking about [[Slavery in the United States|slavery]].
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-18 |title=Trump keeps fighting a Confederate flag battle many supporters have conceded |author= Tina Nguyen | periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/news/2020/07/18/trump-confederate-flag-battle-368607}}

* Look, I take responsibility always for everything because it's ultimately my job, too. I have to get everybody in line.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-19 |title=Trump pushes back against critics on coronavirus, addresses whether he will accept election results in exclusive interview |author= Ronn Blitzer | periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-pushes-back-against-critics-on-coronavirus-addresses-whether-he-will-accept-election-results-in-exclusive-interview}}

* I’m not a big fan of [[Fox News|Fox]], I’ll be honest with you.
* We’re signing a healthcare plan within two weeks, a full and complete healthcare plan that the supreme court decision on DACA gave me the right to do.  So we’re going to solve – we’re going to sign an immigration plan, a healthcare plan, and various other plans. And nobody will have done what I’m doing in the next four weeks.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-19 |title=Donald Trump v Fox News Sunday: extraordinary moments from a wild interview |author= Amanda Holpuch | periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jul/19/donald-trump-fox-news-sunday-chris-wallace-interview}}

* We've done much better than most. And with the fatality rate at a lower rate than most, it's something that we can talk about.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-21 |title=AP FACT CHECK: A More Measured Trump Doesn't Mean Accurate |author=  | periodical=VOA |url=https://www.voanews.com/covid-19-pandemic/ap-fact-check-more-measured-trump-doesnt-mean-accurate}}

* Well, you see something that looks good and you don’t investigate it.
** Trump was describing his habit of retweeting content that has sometimes been odd, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-22 |title=Donald Trump admits he regrets his tweets 'too often', says his retweets 'get him in trouble' and reminisces about the 'old days when you could write a letter and let it sit for a day' |author= Ariel Zilber | periodical=DailyMail |url=https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8558493/Trump-says-regrets-Twitter-posts-admits-times-love-it.html}}

* So it sort of is curious. A man works for us, with us, very closely, Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx also, very highly thought of -- and yet, they're highly thought of, but &lt;b&gt;nobody likes me&lt;/b&gt;?  It can only be my personality, that's all.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title='Nobody likes me': Trump ponders pandemic popularity of Fauci and Birx |author= Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/28/politics/donald-trump-anthony-fauci-approval-rating/index.html}}

* If it reached my desk I would have done something about it.
** Trump was commenting on a U.S. intelligence assessment that Russia was paying a bounty to militants in Afghanistan to kill Americans there, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump hype on drug costs, hydroxychloroquine |author=Hope Yen and Calvin Woodward | periodical=Star Tribune |url=https://www.startribune.com/ap-fact-check-trump-hype-on-drug-costs-hydroxychloroquine/571989352/}}

* You can look at large portions of our country, it's corona-free.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely says 'large portions' of the US are 'corona-free,' repeats claim that protests are leading to rising cases |author=Holmes Lybrand, Tara Subramaniam, Nathan McDermott and Em Steck | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/28/politics/coronavirus-trump-kodak-press-briefing-fact-check/index.html}}

* Anarchists, Agitators or Protestors who vandalize or damage our Federal Courthouse in Portland, or any Federal Buildings in any of our Cities or States, will be prosecuted under our recently re-enacted [[Statues &amp; Monuments Act]]. MINIMUM TEN YEARS IN PRISON. Don’t do it!  
** [https://mobile.twitter.com/Oijans/status/1346916360178302978 Tweet] 28 July 2020

* I think she'd be a fine choice, [[Kamala Harris]]. She'd be a fine choice.
** Trump commented on the possibility of Kamala Harris becoming vice president candidate, according to a [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-072920/ White House transcript].  

* With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE &amp; FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote???
** A tweet ({{citation |url=https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1288818160389558273 |title=With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE &amp; FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote??? |date=2020-07-30 |accessdate=2020-07-30 |publisher={{w|Twitter}} |lang=en-US |author=Donald Trump}}) that received substantial attention with many further sources quoting it, such as {{citation |url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-53599363 |title=Republicans to Trump: You can't delay 2020 election |date=2020-07-30 |accessdate=2020-07-30 |publisher={{w|BBC}} |lang=en-GB}}

* Must know Election results on the night of the Election, not days, months, or even years later!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-29 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump’s election agitations and distortions |author=Calvin Woodward | periodical=Seattle Times |url=https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/ap-fact-check-trumps-election-agitations-and-distortions/}}

* Young people are almost immune to this disease.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-30 |title=Trump says he can't assure school safety amid pandemic: 'Can you assure anybody of anything?' |author=Jessie Hellman | periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/509902-trump-says-he-cant-assure-school-safety-amid-pandemic-can-you-assure}}

* The first questions are very easy. The last questions are much more difficult, like a memory question. It's like you go, '''&quot;Person, woman, man, camera, TV&quot;'''. So, they say, &quot;Could you repeat that?&quot; So I said, &quot;Yeah. So it's person, woman, man, camera, TV.&quot; Okay. That's very good. If you get it in order, you get extra points.
**As quoted by {{citation|date=2020-07-23|title=President Trump Stars in Cognitive Test Part Deux: Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV|author=Peter Wade|periodical=Rolling Stone|url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-cognitive-test-person-woman-man-camera-tv-1033002}}, on having been given the {{W|Montreal Cognitive Assessment}}.

====August 2020====
* When you see the Drug Companies taking massive television ads against me, forget what they say (which is false), YOU KNOW THAT DRUG PRICES ARE COMING DOWN, BIG.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-08-02 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump hype on drug costs, hydroxychloroquine |author=Hope Yen and Calvin Woodward | periodical=APNEWS |url=https://apnews.com/d7f1d2003aeaa95466e12b875b7b4619}}

* They are dying. That's true. And you -- it is what it is. But that doesn't mean we aren't doing everything we can. &lt;b&gt;It's under control as much as you can control it.&lt;/b&gt; This is a horrible plague that beset us.
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Stephen Collinson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump spinning virus failure as a win again by celebrating 'encouraging' progress | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-pence-birx/index.html}}

* You can take the number of cases and look &lt;b&gt;we're last, meaning we're first&lt;/b&gt;.
** Trump was explaining the virus situation, as quoted by {{citation | author=James Walker | date=2020-08-03 |title=5 Takeaways From Trump's Axios Interview | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-takeaways-donald-trump-axios-interview-1522596}}

* In an &lt;b&gt;illegal late night coup&lt;/b&gt;, [[Nevada]]’s clubhouse Governor made it impossible for Republicans to win the state.  &lt;b&gt;Post Office could never handle the Traffic of Mail-In Votes without preparation&lt;/b&gt;. Using Covid to steal the state. See you in Court!
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Quint Forgey | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump threatens lawsuit to block mail-in voting in Nevada | periodical=Politico | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2020/08/03/trump-nevada-mail-voting-lawsuit-390878}}

* Whether you call it Vote by Mail or Absentee Voting, in Florida the election system is Safe and Secure, Tried and True. Florida's Voting system has been cleaned up (we defeated Democrats attempts at change), so &lt;b&gt;in Florida I encourage all to request a Ballot &amp; Vote by Mail! &lt;/b&gt;#MAGA,
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-03 |title=In apparent reversal, Trump encourages Floridians to vote by mail
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/donald-trump-mail-in-voting-florida/index.html}}

* There is no way you can go through a mail-in vote without massive cheating.
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-03 |title=Jonathan Swan reveals the simple secret to exposing Trump's lies: basic follow-up questions | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/fact-check-jonathan-swan-axios-hbo-interview-trump-coronavirus/index.html}}

* I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well. Probably better than anybody you’ve interviewed in a long time,
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Aaron Rupar | date=2020-08-03 |title=“They are dying. That’s true. It is what it is.” Trump’s Axios interview was a disaster. | periodical=VOX | url=https://www.vox.com/2020/8/4/21354055/trump-axios-interview-jonathan-swan}}

* I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know John Lewis.  He chose not to come to my inauguration. He chose -- I don't -- I never met John Lewis actually, I don't believe.
** Trump was responding to how civil rights icon John Lewis will be remembered, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tyler Olson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump withholds praise for John Lewis, notes he 'didn't come to my inauguration'| periodical=Fox News| url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-john-lewis-inauguration}} 

* When I took over we didn't even have a test.
** Trump pointed out that in 2017, there was no test for the coronavirus that emerged in 2019, as quoted by {{citation | author=Steve Benen | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump points to imagined 'manuals' to argue against virus tests | periodical=MSNBC | url=https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/trump-points-imagined-manuals-argue-against-virus-tests-n1235815}} 

* we have done an incredible job, everything is under control [referring to the United states handling of the [[Covid Pandemic]] ]
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaaTZkqsaxY interview] by  [[w:Jonathan Swan]] of [[w:Axios (website)|Axios]] on [[w:HBO]]

* It would seem like it based on the explosion. I met with some of our great generals and they just seem to feel that it was. This was not a — some kind of a manufacturing explosion type of a event. … They seem to think it was a attack. It was a bomb of some kind, yes.
** When asked why he called an explosion in Beirut an attack and not an accident, as quoted by {{citation | author=Darlene Superville/AP | date=2020-08-04 |title=Trump Says Massive Explosion in Beirut Likely an 'Attack' | periodical=Time | url=time.com/5875784/trump-explosion-beirut-attack/}} 

* '''Q''': (Inaudible) if 160,000 people had died on President Obama's watch, do you think you would have called for his resignation?
: '''Trump''': No, I wouldn’t have done that. I think it’s — I think it’s been amazing what we’ve been able to do. If we didn’t close up our country, we would have had one and a half or two million people already dead. We’ve called it right; now we don’t have to close it. We understand the disease. Nobody understood it because nobody has ever seen anything like this. The closest thing is, in 1917, they say — right? The great — the great pandemic certainly was a terrible thing, where they lost, anywhere from 50- to 100 million people. Probably ended the [[Second World War]]; all the soldiers were sick. That was a — that was a terrible situation. And this is highly contagious. This one is highly, highly contagious. No, if I would have listened to a lot of people, we would have kept it open. And, by the way, we keep it open now, all the way. We keep it open. But we would have kept it open and you could be up to a million and a half or two million people right now — one and a half to two million people. Our people have done a fantastic job — our consultants and our doctors. You know, and with disagreements and with a lot of things happening.
:* ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-press-briefing-august-10-2020/ Remarks by President Trump in Press Briefing | August 10, 2020]'', issued on: August 11, 2020, ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''
:* Note: In October 2014, Donald Trump [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/525431218910027776 tweeted] that U.S. President [[Barack Obama]] should resign because a doctor who had treated [[Ebola]] patients in Guinea returned to the U.S, reported in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.?]'' by David Mikkelson, 15 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''. And the [[1918 flu pandemic]] lasted from February 1918 to April 1920, years before the [[World War II]] which started in 1939.

* If Biden would win, he's going to double, triple, everybody's taxes.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale, Holmes Lybrand and Tara Subramaniam | date=2020-08-04 |title=Fact Check: At briefings, Trump is settling into a routine of false claims and exaggeration | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/12/politics/donald-trump-press-briefing-biden-tax-plan-coronavirus-fact-check/index.html}} 

* Nasty
* Horrible
* Person who has told many many stories that weren't true
* Extraordinarily nasty
* Nasty to a level that was just a horrible thing
* Very very nasty to [[Joe Biden]]
* Probably nastier even than [[Elizabeth Warren|Pocahontas]]
* Meanest, most horrible, most disrespectful of anybody in the U.S. Senate.
** On [[Kamala Harris]], as quoted by {{citation | author=Andrew Solender | date=2020-08-11 | title=Trump Repeatedly Calls Kamala Harris ‘Nasty’ And ‘Horrible’ In White House Briefing | periodical=Forbes | url=https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewsolender/2020/08/11/trump-repeatedly-calls-kamala-harris-nasty-and-horrible-in-white-house-briefing/#440e0fb54570}} 
 
* Europe has experienced a nearly 40% higher excess mortality rate than the United States
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted by {{citation | author=Jessica McDonald | date=2020-08-11 | title=Trump Touts Misleading and Flawed Excess Mortality Statistic | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/08/trump-touts-misleading-and-flawed-excess-mortality-statistic/}} 

* If I don’t win the election, China will own the United States — you will have to learn to speak Chinese!
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Justin Paragona | date=2020-08-12 |title=Trump: If I Lose to Biden, Get Ready to ‘Have to Learn to Speak Chinese’| periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-if-i-lose-to-biden-get-ready-to-have-to-learn-to-speak-chinese/}} 

* So showerheads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Debbie White, Jon Rogers, Fionnuala O'Leary | date=2020-08-12 |title=US proposes change to shower rules after President’s hair-washing complaint | periodical=The SUN | url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12369436/donald-trump-latest-news-live-updates/}} 

*Now, they need that money in order to make the post office work, so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots. Now, if we don’t make a deal, that means they don’t get the money. That means they can’t have universal mail-in voting, they just can’t have it.
**(August 13, 2020) [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-opposes-funding-usps-bid-block-vote-mail/story?id=72353322 Trump suggests he'd oppose USPS funding to hurt mail-in voting, then says he won't] ''ABC News''

* Leave Democrat cities.  Let them rot.
** Retweeted by Trump, as quoted by {{citation | author=James Gordon | date=2020-08-16 |title='Let them rot!': Trump retweets supporter's message calling for Democrat-led cities such as NYC and Chicago to be abandoned - along with a video of protesters threatening drivers in Manhattan
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8633677/Let-rot-Trump-retweets-supporters-message-democrat-cities.html}} 

* [[New Zealand]], by the way, had a big outbreak
** Said about the Covid-19 virus, which at that time had caused the death of a total of 22 persons in New Zealand.  Quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-18 |title=Fact check: Trump says New Zealand has had a 'big outbreak.' It reported 5 new cases on Thursday | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/fact-check-trump-new-zealand-outbreak/index.html}} 

* Don't buy GOODYEAR TIRES - They announced a BAN ON MAGA HATS. Get better tires for far less! (This is what the Radical Left Democrats do. Two can play the same game, and we have to start playing it now!)
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump 'cancels' Goodyear tires as he campaigns against 'cancel culture'
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/trump-goodyear-cancel-culture/index.html}} 

* I don't know much about the movement other than I understand they like me very much, which I appreciate
** Said about the [[QAnon]] group, as quoted by {{citation | author=Kevin Liptak | date=2020-08-20 |title=Trump embraces QAnon conspiracy because 'they like me' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/donald-trump-qanon/index.html}} 

* I see again the forest fires are starting.  They’re starting again in California. I said, you gotta clean your floors, you gotta clean your forests — there are many, many years of leaves and broken trees and they’re like, like, so flammable, you touch them and it goes up.  Maybe we’re just going to have to make them pay for it because they don’t listen to us.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Jeremy B. White | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump blames California for wildfires, tells state 'you gotta clean your floors'
 | periodical=Politico | url=https://www.politico.com/states/california/story/2020/08/20/trump-blames-california-for-wildfires-tells-state-you-gotta-clean-your-floors-1311059}} 

* I know nothing about the project other than I didn't like when I read about it, I didn't like it.
* I think it's a very sad thing for Mr. Bannon.  I didn't know any of the other people, either.
** Trump talked about the private &quot;We build the wall&quot; project, as quoted by {{citation | author=Andrew Kaczynski, Em Steck | date=2020-08-20 |title=Fact check: Trump knows most people involved in private border wall project, despite claiming not to | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/fact-check-trump-private-border-wall-project/index.html}} 

* The only way they're gonna win is by a rigged election. I really believe that. I saw the crowd outside.
** Said about Democrats, as quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-20 |title=Fact check: Trump delivers blizzard of false claims in Pennsylvania speech attacking Biden | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/trump-false-claims-pennsylvania-speech-biden-fact-check/index.html}} 

* We're going to have sheriffs, and we're going to have law enforcement, and we're going to have, hopefully, US attorneys, and we're going to have everybody and attorney generals [sic]
** Trump told about his plan for monitoring and preventing voter fraud, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tara Subramariam | date=2020-08-21 |title=Fact Check: Can the President send law enforcement officers to polling places? | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/21/politics/donald-trump-law-enforcement-election-polls-fact-check/index.html}} 

* The [[deep state]], or whoever, over at the FDA is making it very difficult for drug companies to get people in order to test the vaccines and therapeutics. Obviously, they are hoping to delay the answer until after November 3rd. Must focus on speed, and saving lives
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Hope Yen, Calvin Woodward | date=2020-08-24 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump's baseless claim of 'deep state' at FDA| periodical=Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | url=https://www.post-gazette.com/business/powersource/2020/08/24/AP-FACT-CHECK-Trump-s-baseless-claim-of-deep-state-at-FDA/stories/202008240037}}

====September 2020====
* The entire city is ablaze all the time.
** Claimed about Portland, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-01 |title=Fact check: Trump makes more false claims about Biden and protests | author=By Daniel Dale, Tara Subramaniam, Holmes Lybrand | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/31/politics/trump-kenosha-briefing-fact-check/index.html}}

* CNN reported that I had a heart attack.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}}

* Hospitalizations and deaths have declined radically over the past week.
** Claimed about the Covid-19 pandemic, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}}

* The Dow Jones Industrial just closed above 29,000! You are so lucky to have me as your President.  With Joe Hiden’ it would crash.
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301249968091455488 Tweet]

* Did you ever see a man who likes a mask as much as him? He has it hanging down. Because it gives him a feeling of security. If I were a psychiatrist, right, you know I'd say: 'This guy's got some big issues. Hanging down. Hanging down'.
** Said about President candidate Joe Biden wearing a face mask for protection against Covid-19, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-04 |title=Donald Trump mocks Joe Biden for manner of wearing mask | periodical=Independent.ie | url=https://www.independent.ie/videos/donald-trump-mocks-joe-biden-for-manner-of-wearing-mask-39502878.html}}  

* If it has not been counted, vote -- which is every citizen's right to do -- you go and vote. You press the lever and vote. So if it hasn't been counted, if it doesn't show up, go and vote, and then, if your mail-in ballot arrives after you vote, which it shouldn't but possibly it could perhaps, that ballot will not be used or counted in that your vote has already been cast and tabulated, so this way you're guaranteed to have your vote count.
** Trump suggested voting twice, which is a federal crime, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-04 | title=Ignoring warnings from election officials, Trump again suggests supporters should try to vote twice | author= Dianne Gallagher, Caroline Kelly, Marshall Cohen, Brian Rokus | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/05/politics/trump-vote-twice-north-carolina/index.html}} 

* The top people in the [[w:The Pentagon|Pentagon]]... want to do nothing but fight wars so all of those wonderful companies that make the bombs and make the planes and make everything else stay happy
** In front of the [[w:White House|White House]]  at a [https://www.trtworld.com/americas/trump-pentagon-chiefs-fighting-wars-to-oblige-arms-companies-39561 US Labor Day news conference on September 7, 2020] 

* Under [[w:Operation_Warp_Speed|Operation Warp Speed]], we've pioneered groundbreaking therapies, reducing the fatality rate 85% since April.
* We're way ahead on the nuclear front. We've upgraded our nuclear.
* When reports come out that certain countries don't really like me too much, that's not because of my personality, although it could be that also, frankly.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-08 | title=The 37 most absurd lines from Donald Trump's Labor Day 'news conference'
 | author= Chris Cillizza | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/08/politics/donald-trump-labor-day-press-conference/index.html}} 

* The president of the United States calls the shots (Trump says in ~second 50 of video)
* If [[Bob Woodward]] thought what I said was bad then he should have immediately, right after I said it, gone out to the authorities so they can prepare,
** Trump was talking about what he told Bob Woodward regarding downplaying the coronavirus threat, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-10 | title=Someone needs to remind Donald Trump that Bob Woodward isn't president of the United States | author= Chris Cillizza | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/10/politics/trump-bob-woodward-rage/index.html}} 

* I think there’s probably – possibly – drugs involved
** Claimed about President Candidate Joe Biden, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-10 | title=Trump uses Fox News interview to accuse Biden of taking drugs | author= Martin Pengelly | periodical=The Guardian | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/12/trump-biden-drugs-fox-news-interview}} 

* Tell your governor to open up your state
**  On September 14, 2020, in front of hundreds of supporters  packed together, according to [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/09/13/donald-trump-latino-voters-las-vegas-ahead-rally/5784501002/ ''Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak says Trump took 'reckless and selfish actions' by holding indoor rally'']

* I don't think [[science]] knows, actually.
* It'll start getting cooler. You just watch.
** Trump described his stance on [[Scientific consensus on climate change|climate science]] and [[global warming]], as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-14 | title=Trump baselessly questions climate science during California wildfire briefing | author= Maegan Vazquez | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/14/politics/donald-trump-wildfires-briefing-climate-change/index.html}} 

* Nobody knew the seniors are susceptible
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Fact check: Trump made at least 22 false or misleading claims at ABC town hall | author= Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/16/politics/fact-check-trump-abc-town-hall/index.html}} 

* We’re on track to deliver and distribute the vaccine in a very, very safe and effective manner.  We think we can start sometime in October. So as soon as it is announced, we’ll be able to start. That’ll be from mid-October on. It may be a little bit later than that, but we’ll be all set.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump Again Overstates Speed of COVID-19 Vaccine Rollout | author= Jessica McDonald | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trump-again-overstates-speed-of-covid-19-vaccine-rollout/}} 

* As soon as the FDA approves the vaccine... we’ll be able to distribute 100 million doses by the end of 2020 and a large number much sooner than that
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump says U.S. could distribute at least 100 million COVID vaccine doses by end of 2020 | author= Reuters staff | periodical=Reuters| url=https://www.reuters.com/article/healthcoronavirus-trump-vaccine/trump-says-u-s-could-distribute-at-least-100-million-covid-vaccine-doses-by-end-of-2020-idINW1N2FG089}} 

* You saw what happened in [[Pennsylvania]]. Some state Supreme Court justice just ruled that they can take as long as they want to count the ballots. That means I’ll be leading and winning Pennsylvania like we did last time. Yeah, yeah. We’ll be leading, we’ll be winning Pennsylvania. We’re going to win it easy.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump’s False Statement About Counting Ballots in Pennsylvania | author= Rem Rieder | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-false-statement-about-counting-ballots-in-pennsylvania/}}

* [[Left-wing politics|Left-wing]] mobs have torn down statues of our founders, desecrated our memorials, and carried out a campaign of [[violence]] and [[Anarchism|anarchy]]. Far-left demonstrators have chanted the words “America was never great.” The left has launched a vicious and violent assault on law enforcement — the universal symbol of the [[rule of law]] in America. These radicals have been aided and abetted by liberal politicians, [[Mainstream media|establishment media]], and even large [[corporations]]. Whether it is the mob on the street, or the cancel culture in the boardroom, the goal is the same: to silence dissent, to scare you out of speaking the truth, and to bully Americans into abandoning their values, their heritage, and their very way of life.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* The radicals burning [[Flag of the United States|American flags]] want to burn down the principles enshrined in our founding documents, including the bedrock principle of equal justice under law. In order to radically transform America, they must first cause Americans to lose confidence in who we are, where we came from, and what we believe. As I said at [[Mount Rushmore]] — which they would love to rip down and it rip it down fast, and that’s never going to happen — two months ago, the left-wing cultural revolution is designed to overthrow the [[American Revolution]].
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* The left has warped, distorted, and defiled the American story with deceptions, falsehoods, and lies. There is no better example than [[the New York Times]]’ totally discredited 1619 Project. This project rewrites American history to teach our children that we were founded on the principle of oppression, not freedom. Nothing could be further from the truth. America’s founding set in motion the unstoppable chain of events that abolished slavery, secured civil rights, defeated communism and fascism, and built the most fair, equal, and prosperous nation in human history.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* Critical race theory, the 1619 Project, and the crusade against American history is toxic propaganda, ideological poison that, if not removed, will dissolve the civic bonds that tie us together. It will destroy our country.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

*She just died? Wow. I didn't know that. You are telling me now for the first time. She led an amazing life. What else can you say? Whether you agreed or not, she was an amazing woman who led an amazing life. I am actually sad to hear that.
**[https://deadline.com/2020/09/donald-trump-ruth-bader-ginsburg-1234579988/ On the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg] (18 September 2020)

* Can you believe it, in one week they nominated me, not for one, but for two Nobel prizes.  But you know, you have a president, you love your president, and your president gets honored, because I’m not being honored, you’re being honored with the Nobel Peace Prize, for Israel, what we did with Israel. 
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-19 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} 

* I’m the only man that got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and I didn’t get any press.  They wouldn’t. For two of them. Last week, I’m not bragging about it.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} 

* I said, ‘Shinzo, please do me a favor, we need more car companies. ... We want them built here, not in Japan, please.’ He said, ‘But we cannot do that, this is a free enterprise system.’ I said, ‘... Please, I need some car companies.’ ... I said, ‘Shinzo, you have to do it.’ Next day, it was the story: ‘Five car companies opened up in Michigan.‘
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump’s made-up car plants, court revisionism | author= Hope Yen, Calvin Woodward, Tom Krisher | periodical=AP | url=https://apnews.com/ec85b88102464c9651d32b475c01c183}} 

* I saved it. I put our miners back to work.
** Claimed about the US coal mining industry, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Fact check: Trump makes false claims about his record on manufacturing and coal jobs | author= Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/23/politics/fact-check-trump-jobs-manufacturing-coal/index.html}} 

* Now we know it. It [the coronavirus] affects elderly people, elderly people with heart problems and other problems. If they have other problems. That's what it really affects. That's it.  You know, In some states, thousands of people—nobody young. Below the age of 18, like, nobody. They have a strong immune system, who knows? You look...Take your hat off to the young, because they have a hell of an immune system. But it affects virtually nobody. It's an amazing thing.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-22 | title=Trump Says Coronavirus 'Affects Virtually Nobody,' As U.S. Has World's Highest Death Toll | author= Kashmira Gander | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/trump-covid-virtually-nobody-rally-ohio-1533452}} 

* The stated goal of BLM people is to achieve the destruction of the nuclear family, abolish the police, abolish prisons, abolish border security, abolish [[capitalism]] and abolish school choice.  
** Claimed about the Black Lives Matter movement, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-25 | title=Donald Trump launches blistering attack on the Black Lives Matter movement | author= Graeme Massie | periodical=Independent.co.uk | url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-rally-today-blm-black-lives-matter-b604727.html}} 

* Totally fake news
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/27/trump-calls-nyt-tax-report-totally-fake-news-422330Trump responding] to the NYT report on the alleged tax avoidance by Donald Trump

* We’re leading in [[Pennsylvania]]. We’re leading in [[Florida]]. I think we’re leading everywhere.
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-28 | title=FactChecking Trump’s Weekend Claims
 | author=Lori Robertson, Robert Farley, Rem Rieder, Eugene Kiely, Jessica McDonald, D'Angelo Gore | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/factchecking-trumps-weekend-claims/}} 

* Drug prices will be coming down 80 or 90 percent.
* It's a rigged election.
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-30 | title=Fact check: False claims flood Trump-Biden debate | author=AP staff | periodical=MPR news| url=https://www.mprnews.org/story/2020/09/30/fact-check-false-claims-flood-trumpbiden-debate}} 

* I read today where at least 1% of the ballots for 2016 were invalidated. They take 'em. 'We don't like 'em. We don't like 'em.' They throw them out, left and right
* Take a look at West Virginia, mailmen selling the ballots. They're being sold.
* Number two, they cheat. They cheat. Hey, they found ballots in a wastepaper basket three days ago, and they all had the name military ballots -- there were military -- they all had the name Trump on 'em.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-30 | title=Fact check: Almost every single one of Trump's debate claims about mail-in voting was wrong | author=Daniel Dale, Marshall Cohen | periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/30/politics/fact-check-trump-first-debate-mail-voting-fraud/index.html}}

* [[Steve Jobs]] would not be happy that his wife is wasting  money he left her on a failing Radical Left Magazine that is run by a con man (Goldberg) and spews FAKE NEWS &amp; HATE. Call her, write her, let her know how you feel!!!
** [[Trump]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/06/business/donald-trump-laurene-powell-jobs/?iid=ob_lockedrail_longstory_pool Trump attacks the sixth-richest woman in the world for her ties to] [[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]] on September 6, 2020

====October 2020====
[[File:President Trump Works at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center (50423775191).jpg|thumb|[[Feeling]] really [[good]]! Don’t be [[afraid]] of [[COVID-19 pandemic|Covid]]. [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|Don’t let it dominate]] your [[life]]. We have developed, under the [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump Administration]], some really great [[drugs]] &amp; [[knowledge]]. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!]] 
* Tonight, @FLOTUS and I tested positive for [[COVID-19]]. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1311892190680014849 through twitter] on October 1, 2020

* OUR GREAT USA WANTS &amp; NEEDS STIMULUS. WORK TOGETHER AND GET IT DONE. Thank you!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1312449034154504192 via tweet] on October 3, 2020

* If you look at the therapeutics, which I’m taking right now, some of them, and others are coming out soon that are looking like, frankly, they’re miracles, if you want to know the truth, they’re miracles.  People criticize me when I say that, but we have things happening that look like they’re miracles, coming down from God.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-03 |title=Trump’s COVID-19 Misinformation Since Testing Positive | author= Jessica McDonald, Eugene Kiely, Lori Robertson | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/trumps-covid-19-misinformation-since-testing-positive/}}

* I learned a lot about COVID. I learned it by really going to school. This is the real school, this isn’t the let’s-read-a-book school. And I get it and I understand it and it’s a very interesting thing and I’m gonna be letting you know about it.
** Said while being treated in hospital for Covid-19, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-05 |title=Editorial: President Trump’s learn-by-doing approach to COVID-19 | author=LA Times Editorial Board | periodical=LA Times | url=https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-10-06/trump-covid-school}}

* I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs &amp; knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313186529058136070 Via twitter] posted 11:37 AM · Oct 5, 2020

* Flu season is coming up! Many people every year, sometimes over 100,000, and despite the Vaccine, die from the Flu. Are we going to close down our Country? No, we have learned to live with it, just like we are learning to live with Covid, in most populations far less lethal!!!
** Claimed in a tweet that was later labeled as misleading and in a Facebook posting that was later deleted by Facebook, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-06 |title=Facebook, Twitter block Trump post that falsely claims coronavirus is less deadly than flu | author=Jessica Bursztynsky | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/06/facebook-removes-trump-post-falsely-comparing-coronavirus-and-the-flu.html}}

* REPEAL [[SECTION 230]]!!! 
**6 October 2020 [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313511340124917760 tweet] about [[w:Section 230|Section 230]] of the United States Communications Decency Act, which allows online platforms to moderate and remove harmful content without being penalized. Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-06 |title=Facebook, Twitter block Trump post that falsely claims coronavirus is less deadly than flu | author=Jessica Bursztynsky | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/06/facebook-removes-trump-post-falsely-comparing-coronavirus-and-the-flu.html}}

*I have instructed my representatives to stop negotiating until after the election when, immediately after I win, we will pass a major Stimulus Bill that focuses on hardworking Americans and Small Business.
** According to [https://www.axios.com/trump-coronavirus-stimulus-negotiations-7d464d0e-924f-46f5-90d2-9e8097c9c8f7.html Trump says he will not negotiate on COVID relief until after election]

* We should have the small remaining number of our BRAVE Men and Women serving in Afghanistan home by Christmas!
** Via [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313984510749544450 tweet] October 7, 2020

* I think this was a blessing from God that I caught it. It was a blessing in disguise.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump returns to Oval Office and says coronavirus diagnosis was 'blessing from God' | author=Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/07/politics/trump-oval-office-coronavirus/index.html}}

* I don’t think I’m contagious at all.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=President Trump says he’s not ‘contagious at all’ days after leaving hospital with coronavirus | author=Will Feuer | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/08/president-trump-says-hes-not-contagious-at-all-days-after-leaving-hospital-with-coronavirus-.html}}

* I'm not going to do a virtual debate.  I’m not going to waste my time at a virtual debate.
** Trump commented on the initiative of having the presidential candidates participating from remote locations for the second presidential debate, in view of his Covid-19 infection, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump says he will 'not waste my time' with a 'virtual debate' after CPD announces changes | author=Brooke Singman | periodical=Fox News | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/second-trump-biden-debate-will-be-virtual-organizers-say}}

* Monster .. Communist .. Horrible .. Totally unlikeable 
** Trump was referring to Vice President candidate Kamala Harris, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump insults Harris as 'a monster' morning after vice presidential debate | author=Elizabeth Thomas | periodical=ABC News | url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-insults-harris-monster-morning-vice-presidential-debate/story?id=73498918}}

* We want to do a rally in Florida, probably in Florida on Saturday night, might come back and do one in Pennsylvania on the following night.  I feel so good!&lt;br&gt;Well, what we’re doing is probably, the test will be tomorrow, and the actual test, because there’s no reason to test all the time, but they found very little infection or virus, if any.  I don’t know if they found any, I didn’t go into it greatly with the doctors.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Coughing Through Hannity Interview, Trump Says He Wants to Do Saturday Rally | author=Justin Baragona | periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-coughing-through-hannity-interview-says-he-wants-to-do-saturday-rally}}

* Nobody ever even heard of tariffs. They never even heard of tariffs. Nobody. In fact, when I first started doing it, they didn't even know what it meant.
** Claimed about tariffs on imports from China, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-11 |title=Fact check: Trump makes at least 14 false claims in first post-hospital interview on Fox Business
 | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/08/politics/fact-check-trump-interview-bartiromo-fox-business/index.html}}

* I'll walk into that audience. I'll walk in there, I'll kiss everyone in that audience.  I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and the -- everybody. I'll just give everybody a big, fat kiss.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-12 |title=Trump mocks virus as he launches potential superspreader sprint to win reelection | author=Stephen Collinson | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/13/politics/donald-trump-election-2020-campaign/index.html}}

* They say he was born in Scranton, but he left, he left. He abandoned you.
** Trump referred back to when Joe Biden was 10 years old and the family moved from Pennsylvania to Delaware because his father started in a new job, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Fact check: Trump continues dishonesty bombardment at Pennsylvania rally
 | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/14/politics/fact-check-trump-rally-johnstown-pennsylvania/index.html}}

* My plan: we’re gonna crush the virus very quickly. It’s happening already. It’s happening.&lt;br&gt;And Mexico is paying for the wall, by the way. You know that. I’ve been saying it. They hate to hear that. But they’re paying.&lt;br&gt;We passed VA Choice.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Trump’s lies are getting sillier, stupider, and staler. Last night’s superspreader rally was a doozy | author=Aldous Pennyfarthing | periodical=Daily sound and fury | url=https://dailysoundandfury.com/trumps-lies-are-getting-sillier-stupider-and-staler-last-nights-superspreader-rally-was-a-doozy/}}

* I’m OK with masks. I tell people, wear a mask. But just the other day they came out with a statement that 85% of the people that wear masks catch it.
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=FactChecking Trump’s Town Hall
 | author=Brooks Jackson, Lori Robertson, Robert Farley, Angelo Fichera, Jessica McDonald, Rem Rieder, Katie Busch, Eugene Kiely | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/factchecking-trumps-town-hall/}}

* That was an opinion of somebody and that was a retweet.  I’ll put it out there. People can decide for themselves.
** Trump explained why he retweeted a claim that Osama bin Laden’s killing was staged and that members of Navy SEAL Team 6 had been killed to cover it up.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=Column: Trump and Biden town halls showed us two worlds, and only one of them is terrifying | author=Rex Huppke | periodical=Chicago Tribune| url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-trump-biden-town-hall-qanon-rogers-calm-election-polls-huppke-20201016-3oke7rhwhbdrfcshgbnpqmimbe-story.html}}

* When I see thousands of ballots dumped in a garbage can and they happen to have my name on it? I’m not happy about it.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump sees what others do not in the pandemic
 | author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen | periodical=AP News| url=https://apnews.com/article/election-2020-virus-outbreak-ap-fact-check-donald-trump-technology-a6ddb8360fa9b1ff95acbbc1e03f437e}}

* Would you like a nice low-income housing project next to your suburban beautiful ranch style house? Generally speaking, no. I saved your suburbs -- &lt;b&gt;women -- suburban women, you're supposed to love Trump.&lt;/b&gt;
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump continues bizarre appeals to suburban women as he campaigns in Covid hotspots | author=Maeve Reston| periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/18/politics/donald-trump-women-gretchen-whitmer/index.html}}

* Fauci is a disaster.  People are tired of coronavirus. People are tired of hearing Fauci and all these idiots.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump says Americans 'tired of hearing Fauci and all these idiots' discuss Covid | author=Joan E Greve| periodical= The Guardian| url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/oct/19/trump-fauci-idiot-experts-criticism-coronavirus}}

* Did you see they found 50,000 ballots in like a river?&lt;br&gt;Even without the vaccine, the pandemic's going to end. It's gonna run its course. It's gonna end. They'll go crazy. He said 'without the vaccine' -- watch, it'll be a headline tomorrow. These people are crazy. No, it's running its course. We're rounding the turn. You see the numbers, and we're rounding the turn.&lt;br&gt;The United States shows more CASES than other countries, which the Lamestream Fake News Media pounces on daily, because it TESTS at such a high (and costly) level.&lt;br&gt;Since the China virus, we have created --- a record in the history of our country -- 11.4 million jobs over just a short period of months.&lt;br&gt;We're now setting records for employment, unemployment. We're setting all sorts of records economically&lt;br&gt;I signed a bill that gives you 10 years in jail if you rip down any federal statue.&lt;br&gt;Mexico is paying for the wall.&lt;br&gt;We gave the greatest -- the biggest tax cut in history.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-20 |title=Fact-checking Trump's dishonest weekend: The President made at least 66 false or misleading claims in three days
 | author=Daniel Dale| periodical= CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/19/politics/fact-check-trump-dishonest-weekend-florida-michigan-georgia-wisconsin/index.html}}

* &lt;i&gt; (About “phony fake ballots&quot;:) &lt;/i&gt; How about the ones that were printed without my name on it, right? They had everything on it. They had every race, they had everything. You had the Senate, you had everything, they forgot to put me down.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-20 |title=Trump Misleads on Ballots Again | author=Lori Robertson| periodical= FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/trump-misleads-on-ballots-again/}}

* We're not entering a dark winter, we are entering the final turn and the light at the end of the tunnel
** Said on October 23, 2020 According to ''Fox News Sunday with [[Chris Wallace]]'' [https://www.foxnews.com/shows/fox-news-sunday]

* We're not supposed to have a socialist — look we're not going to be a socialist nation. &lt;b&gt; We're not going to have a socialist president, especially a female socialist president,&lt;/b&gt; we're not gonna have it, we're not gonna put up with it.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-24 |title=Trump targets Kamala Harris in sexist rant against the Democratic vice-presidential nominee | author=Sarah Al-Arshani| periodical= Business Insider| url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-targets-kamala-harris-in-sexist-rant-2020-10?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We won’t have a president that threatens people with jail for just criticizing him
** On the campaign trail for [[Joe Biden]] in [[https://www.wlrn.org/2020-10-25/obama-hits-campaign-trail-in-south-florida-criticizing-trumps-behavior-as-worse-than-florida-man Obama Hits Campaign Trail In South Florida, Criticizing Trump's Behavior As Worse Than Florida Man] October 25, 2020

* Lock'em all up.
** Said about an undefined group of people, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=Fact check: Trump makes at least 16 false or misleading claims to '60 Minutes' | author=Daniel Dale| periodical= CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/25/politics/fact-check-trump-60-minutes-lesley-stahl/index.html}}

* If I didn’t have social media, I’d have no way of getting out my voice.
** {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=CBS releases footage of Trump walking out of 60 Minutes interview
 | author=Martin Melam| periodical= The Guardian| url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/oct/26/cbs-releases-footage-trump-walking-out-60-minutes-interview}}

* Big problems and discrepancies with Mail In Ballots all over the USA.  Must have final total on November 3rd
** Tweet, labelled as &quot;Misleading&quot;, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=Twitter slapped yet another Trump tweet about mail-in voting with a 'misleading' label and stopped other users from retweeting it | author=Isobel Asher Hamilton| periodical=Business Insider| url=https://www.businessinsider.com/twitter-trump-tweet-mail-voting-warning-label-minsinformation-block-retweet-2020-10?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We’re rounding the turn,our numbers are incredible.
** at a rally on October 26, 2020 according to [https://www.vox.com/21541967/covid-19-record-cases-us-coronavirus-winter-spike-surge 89,000 new Covid-19 cases per day. And the worst may be yet to come.]

* COVID COVID COVID.. we are rounding the turn all they want to talk about is COVID by the way on Nov 4 you won't be hearing much more about it..Cases are up because we TEST TEST TEST
** During election campaign in [[w:Allentown, Pennsylvania|Allentown]] ''Trump calls U.S. coronavirus case spike a media ‘conspiracy’'' [https://globalnews.ca/news/7422033/coronavirus-trump-testing-conspiracy-tweet/ video]

* The only thing you can do in Pennsylvania is a protest.  You can't go to church. You can't pray to your God. You can't be with your pastors, your priests, your rabbis. You can't be -- none of that. You can't do anything
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-27 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims Pennsylvanians 'can't go to church' | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/27/politics/trump-false-claim-pennsylvania-cant-go-to-church-fact-check/index.html}}

* He’ll bury you in regulations, dismantle your police departments, dissolve our borders, confiscate your guns, terminate religious liberty, destroy your suburbs.
* If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school, no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas and no Fourth of July together
** Claimed about Democrat President Candidate Joe Biden, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-29 |title=With typical hyperbole, Trump paints apocalyptic portrait of life under Biden | author=Darlene Superville | periodical=The Times of Israel | url=https://www.timesofisrael.com/with-typical-hyperbole-trump-paints-apocalyptic-portrait-of-life-under-biden/}}

*You know in Germany, if you have a bad heart and you’re ready to die, or if you have cancer and you’re going to be dying soon and you catch Covid, that happens: we mark it down to Covid.&lt;br&gt;You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from Covid. You know that, right?&lt;br&gt;I mean our doctors are very smart people. So what they do is, they say, &quot;I’m sorry, but you know everybody dies of Covid.&quot;&lt;br&gt;But in Germany and other places, if you have a heart attack, or if you have cancer, you’re terminally ill, you catch Covid, they say you died of cancer, you died of a heart attack.&lt;br&gt;With us? When in doubt, choose Covid.&lt;br&gt;Now, it’s true. Now, they’ll say ‘oh, it’s terrible what he said’, but that’s true. It’s like $2,000 more.
**[https://twitter.com/acyn/status/1322244374479040512 30 October 2020]
***Trump's estimate is too high, as [https://twitter.com/ashishkjha/status/1320492597320863751 Ashish Ja states], the bump for documenting Covid ranges from $1600-$2200 which is an average of only $1900 more.

====November 2020====
* We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win this election. This is a major fraud on our nation. We want the law to be used in a proper manner. So we’ll be going to the U.S. Supreme Court. We want all voting to stop.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-03 |title=U.S. presidency still undecided; Biden opens leads in key Midwestern states | author= Trevor Hunnicutt, Jeff Mason | periodical=Reuters | url=https://www.reuters.com/article/usa-election/us-presidency-still-undecided-biden-opens-leads-in-key-midwestern-states-idUSKBN27J0FZ}}

*I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!
**[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1325099845045071873 7 November 2020]

*REPORT: DOMINION DELETED 2.7 MILLION TRUMP VOTES NATIONWIDE. DATA ANALYSIS FINDS 221,000 PENNSYLVANIA VOTES SWITCHED FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP TO BIDEN. 941,000 TRUMP VOTES DELETED. STATES USING DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS SWITCHED 435,000 VOTES FROM TRUMP TO BIDEN.
** Disputed tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-13 |title=AP fact check: Trump tweets a tall tale of 'deleted' votes | author= Ali Swenson, Amanda Seitz | periodical=AP News | url=https://apnews.com/article/election-2020-ap-fact-check-joe-biden-donald-trump-technology-13c104367924b8192b4fcecf334f7806}}

*FoxNews and the Fake News Networks aren’t showing these massive gatherings. Instead they have their reporters standing in almost empty streets. We now have SUPPRESSION BY THE PRESS
**[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1327724046595842049 14 November 2020]

* The vaccine will be available to the entire general population with the exception of places like New York state where for political reasons the governor decided to say — and I don’t think it’s good politically, I think it’s very bad from a health standpoint — but he wants to take his time with a vaccine.  We can’t be delivering it to a state that won’t be giving it to its people immediately.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-30 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts on vaccine, state distribution | author= Hope Yen, Laura Neergard, Candice Choi | periodical=AP | url=https://apnews.com/article/ap-fact-check-joe-biden-donald-trump-politics-coronavirus-pandemic-76d1580f82b1586b207990396c1e3b5f}}

* Big victory moments ago in the [[Nevada|State of Nevada]]. The all Democrat County Commissioner race, on same ballot as President, just thrown out because of large scale voter discrepancy. Clark County officials do not have confidence in their own election security. Major impact!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1328483862490574849 Tweet] dated November 16, 2020

* I won the Election!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1328334945148952576 Tweet] November 16, 2020, with the warning by twitter: &quot;Multiple sources called this election differently&quot;

* The recent statement by / [[w:Chris Krebs|Chris Krebs]] on the security of the [[2020 Election]] was highly inaccurate... Therefore, effective immediately, Chris Krebs has been terminated as Director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency.
** Trump fires his Director of the Cybersecurity via twitter according to [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/11/17/trump-ousts-homeland-security-chris-krebs-called-election-secure/6276676002/ Trump ousts Homeland Security cyber chief Chris Krebs, who called election secure] published November 18, 2020

* You wouldn’t have vaccine if it weren’t for me, for another four years.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-20 |title=Trump Suggests Vaccine Companies Orchestrated Revenge-Filled Conspiracy to Make Him Lose | author= Rachel Olding | periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-suggests-vaccine-companies-orchestrated-revenge-filled-conspiracy-to-make-him-lose}}

* Don't talk to me that way, you are lightweight. I'm the president of the United States. Don't ever talk to the president that way.
**Responding to a reporter's questions at a Thanksgiving press conference in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election-2020/trump-news-live-twitter-biden-election-b1762621.html Trump news – live: President promises to leave White House before erupting at #DiaperDon Twitter trend (video)] published November 27, 2020 
*[[Big Tech]] and the [[Fake News]] Media have partnered to Suppress. [[Freedom of the press|Freedom of the Press]] is gone, a thing of the past. That’s why they refuse to report the real facts and figures of the 2020 Election...
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1332349861774155778?s=20 Tweet] posted November 27, 2020 which [[Twitter]] tagged with &quot;This claim  about election fraud is disputed&quot;

* Biden can only enter the White House as President if he can prove that his ridiculous '80,000,000 votes' were not fraudulently or illegally obtained. When you see what happened in Detroit, [[w:Atlanta|Atlanta]], [[Philadelphia]] &amp; [[w:Milwaukee|Milwaukee]], massive voter fraud, he's got a big unsolvable problem.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-28 |title=Trump implies he won't leave the White House unless Biden 'can prove' he won 80 million votes, as the president continues to tweet lies and conspiracy theories about the election
 | author= Grace Panetta | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-says-he-wont-leave-white-house-biden-disproves-fraud-2020-11?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* Specific allegations were made, and we have massive proof, in the Pennsylvania case. Some people just don’t want to see it. They want nothing to do with saving our Country. Sad!!!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1332778938121203720 Tweet] posted November 28, 2020

* @FoxNews daytime is virtually unwatchable, especially during the weekends.
** Tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-29 |title=Trump tells viewers to watch 'anything else' but Fox News ahead of his 1st interview since Election Day | author= Yelena Dzhanova | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-calls-fox-news-unwatchable-criticism-newsmax-2020-11?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We don't have freedom of the press in this country, we have suppression of the press
** In a phone interview with [[Maria Bartiromo]] on [[Fox News]] November 29, 2020

* I came up with vaccines that people didn't think we'd have for five years
* We had glitches where they moved thousands of votes from my account to Biden's account
* &lt;i&gt; (About the handling of the coronavirus in the US:) &lt;/i&gt; We're doing better than the rest of the world
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-29 |title=Fox News' Maria Bartiromo gave Trump his first TV interview since the election. It was filled with lies | author= Alexis Benveniste | periodical= CNN Business | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/11/29/media/bartiromo-trump-interview/index.html}}

* Who needs Democrats when you have Republicans like [[Brian Kemp]] and Doug Ducey?
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-30 |title=Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey defends election process after Trump attack | author= Caroline Kelly, Alison Main | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/11/30/politics/doug-ducey-defends-election-arizona-trump/index.html}}

====December 2020====
* Actually, I won [[Wisconsin]].
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-05 |title=Fact check: Among baseless claims of rigged election, Trump says he won Wisconsin | author= D.L. Davis, Politifact | periodical=Houston Cronicle | url=https://www.houstonchronicle.com/local/texas-politics/politifact/article/Fact-check-Among-baseless-claims-of-rigged-15794749.php}}

* You know we won Georgia, just so you understand.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-05 |title=Fact Check: Trump Makes Bogus Swing State Claim During Campaign Stop In Georgia | author= Eugene Kiely | periodical=GA Today | url=https://www.gpb.org/news/2020/12/09/fact-check-trump-makes-bogus-swing-state-claim-during-campaign-stop-in-georgia}}

* If I lost, I’d be a very gracious loser.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-06 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump floods rally with audacious falsehoods | author= Calvin Woodward | periodical=AP News | url=https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-donald-trump-rally-falsehoods-424834660f894040b55b415aecb2a443}}

* RINOS @BrianKempGA, @GeoffDuncanGA, &amp; Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, will be solely responsible for the potential loss of our two GREAT Senators from Georgia, @sendavidperdue &amp; @KLoeffler. Won’t call a Special Session or check for Signature Verification! People are ANGRY!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-07 |title=Trump Says 'RINOS' Kemp, Raffensperger 'Solely Responsible' If Loeffler, Perdue Lose Election | author= Jeffery Martin | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/trump-says-rinos-kemp-raffensperger-solely-responsible-if-loeffler-perdue-lose-election-1553024}}

* The Supreme Court really let us down.  No Wisdom, No Courage!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title='No Wisdom, No Courage!': Trump lashes out at the Supreme Court after it rejected a Texas bid to overturn the election results| author= Kelsey Vlamis | periodical=MSN News | url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/no-wisdom-no-courage-trump-lashes-out-at-the-supreme-court-after-it-rejected-a-texas-bid-to-overturn-the-election-results/ar-BB1bRIqA}}

* WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!!!
** Tweeted about contesting the 2020 Presidential election result, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title=Trump engages in self-sabotage ahead of historic vaccine rollout | author= Maeve Reston | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/13/politics/donald-trump-william-barr-pfizer-vaccine/index.html}}

* It's not over. We keep going and we're going to continue to go forward.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-12 |title=Trump tells 'Fox &amp; Friends' election challenges 'not over' ahead of Electoral College vote | author= Ronn Blitzner | periodical=Fox News | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-fox-and-friends-election-challenges-not-over-electoral-college-vote}}

* Wow! Thousands of people forming in [[Washington, D.C.|Washington (D.C.)]] for [[w:Stop the Steal|Stop the Steal]]. Didn't know about this, but I'll be seeing them! #MAGA
** [https://en.wikinews.org/wiki/Conservative_groups_hold_rally_in_Washington_D.C._claiming_U.S._elections_were_stolen_from_President_Trump Conservative groups hold rally in Washington D.C. claiming U.S. elections were stolen from President Trump]December 15, 2020 

* I saved at least 8 Republican Senators, including Mitch, from losing in the last Rigged (for President) Election. Now they (almost all) sit back and watch me fight against a crooked and vicious foe, the Radical Left Democrats. I will NEVER FORGET!
** Disputed [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1342245390540804096 Tweet], 25 December 2020. 

{{Anchor|Supreme Court  totally incompetent}} 
* The [[Supreme Court of the United States|U.S. Supreme Court]] has been totally incompetent and weak on the massive Election Fraud that took place in the 2020 Presidential Election.  We have absolute PROOF, but they don't want to see it - No 'standing', they say. If we have corrupt elections, we have no country!
** Disputed tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-26 |title=With less than a month left in office, Trump lashes out at 'totally incompetent' Supreme Court for refusing to overturn his election loss | author= Connor Perrett | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-supreme-court-totally-incompetent-for-refusing-to-overturn-election-2020-12?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* Weak and tired Republican “leadership” will allow the bad Defense Bill to pass.
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1342245390540804096 Tweet], 29 December 2020. 

* Republican leadership only wants the path of least resistance. Our leaders (not me, of course!) are pathetic.
** Tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-29 | title=Trump lashes out at Republicans after they override his veto | author= Zachary B. Wolfe | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/29/politics/donald-trump-house-votes/index.html}}

===2021===
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|-
|&lt;div id=&quot;articlecount&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;&quot;&gt; 20 January 2021 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - End of presidency &lt;/div&gt;
|-
|}
====January 2021====
*So, look, all I wanna do, is I wanna find 11,780 votes.
**Spoken to Georgia election officials (including Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger) on January 2, pressuring Secretary of State {{w|Brian Kemp}} to recalculate the [[w:2020 United States presidential election|2020 United States presidential election]] vote in his favor. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/audio-trump-berates-ga-secretary-of-state-urges-him-to-find-votes/2021/01/03/aba64f5f-8c3c-490f-af34-618ccea732d7_video.html |title=Audio: Trump berates Ga. secretary of state, urges him to ‘find’ votes |publisher=''{{w|The Washington Post}}''}}
***[https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/03/politics/trump-brad-raffensperger-phone-call-transcript/index.html full transcript] on CNN

* So dead people voted. And I think the number is close to 5,000 people [in Georgia] .. [There] were thousands and thousands of ballots in a box that was not an official or a sealed box.&lt;br&gt;They ran out because of a water-main break. And there was no water main, there was nothing. There was no break.&lt;br&gt;You had out-of-state voters - they voted in Georgia but they were from out of state - of 4,925&lt;br&gt;They're shredding ballots. And you should look at that very carefully. Because that's so illegal.&lt;br&gt;We have not gone through your Dominion [voting machines], so we can't give them blessing. I mean, in other states, we think we found tremendous corruption with Dominion machines...
** {{citation |date=2020-01-03 | author = BBC News Reality Check Team |  url=https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-55529230 |title=Georgia election: Donald Trump's phone call fact-checked |publisher=BBC News}}

*One thing we know is you, [[w:Jeffrey A. Rosen|Rosen]], aren't going to do anything to overturn the election
** &quot;[https://www.npr.org/2021/10/07/1044015379/senate-report-details-trumps-efforts-to-use-doj-to-overturn-election-results Senate report details Trump's efforts to use DOJ to overturn election results]&quot; (January 3, 2021)

*Rudy, you did a great job. He's got guts. You know what? He's got guts, unlike a lot of people in the Republican Party. He's got guts. He fights, he fights.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;Our brightest days are before us, our greatest achievements still wait. I think one of our great achievements will be election security because nobody until I came along, had any idea how corrupt our elections were. And again, most people would stand there at 9:00 in the evening and say, “I want to thank you very much,” and they go off to some other life, but I said, “Something’s wrong here. Something’s really wrong. Can’t have happened.” And we fight. We fight like Hell and if you don’t fight like Hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;After this, we’re going to walk down and I’ll be there with you. We’re going to walk down. We’re going to walk down any one you want, but I think right here. We’re going walk down to the Capitol, and we’re going to cheer on our brave senators, and congressmen and women. We’re probably not going to be cheering so much for some of them because you’ll never take back our country with weakness. You have to show strength, and you have to be strong. We have come to demand that Congress do the right thing and only count the electors who have been lawfully slated, lawfully slated. I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard. Today we will see whether Republicans stand strong for integrity of our elections, but whether or not they stand strong for our country, our country. Our country has been under siege for a long time, far longer than this four-year period.&lt;br&gt;we’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, I love Pennsylvania Avenue, and we’re going to the Capitol and we’re going to try and give…&lt;br&gt;our Republicans, the weak ones, because the strong ones don’t need any of our help,&lt;br&gt;we’re going to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country.&lt;br&gt;So let’s walk down Pennsylvania Avenue.
**[https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speech-save-america-rally-transcript-january-6 Save America Rally Speech] on 6 January 2021

* Mike Pence didn’t have the courage to do what should have been done to protect our Country and our Constitution, giving States a chance to certify a corrected set of facts, not the fraudulent or inaccurate ones which they were asked to previously certify. USA demands the truth!
**[https://archive.is/jCmfK 11:24am tweet] on 6 January 2021

* So what?
** January 6, 2021, while watching television news coverage of the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] in the dining room off of the [[w:Oval Office|Oval Office]], upon being informed Vice President [[Mike Pence]] had been moved to a secure location ({{cite news |title=Judge Unseals New Evidence in Federal Election Case Against Trump |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |first1=Alan |last1=Feuer |first2=Charlie |last2=Savage |date=October 2, 2024 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/02/us/politics/trump-jan-6-case-jack-smith-evidence.html}} {{cite news |title=US prosecutors show new details of Trump's bid to overturn election loss |first=Andrew |last=Goudsward |date=October 2, 2024 |url=https://www.reuters.com/world/us/us-prosecutors-detail-evidence-trump-election-subversion-case-2024-10-02/ |agency=[[w:Reuters|Reuters]]}})

*I am asking for everyone at the U.S. Capitol to remain peaceful. No violence! Remember, WE are the Party of law and order – respect the law and our great men and women in blue. Thank you!
**[https://archive.is/IvpaU 12:13pm tweet] on 6 January 2021

*We love you. You are very special.
**In video in tweet (later deleted) aimed at protestors who entered into the United States Capitol.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-01-06 | author = Eliza Relman, Oma Seddiq,  Jake Lahut |  url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-video-statement-capitol-rioters-we-love-you-very-special-2021-1?r=US&amp;IR=T |title=Trump tells his violent supporters who stormed the Capitol 'you're very special,' but asks them 'to go home' |publisher=Business Insider}}   

*To all of my wonderful supporters, I know you are disappointed, but I also want you to know  that our incredible journey is just beginning
** video (2;28) from [https://archive.is/o4JN6 4:28pm tweet] posted by [[Ivanka Trump]] on 7 January 2020

*I would like to begin by addressing the heinous attack on the United States Capitol. Like all Americans, I am outraged by the violence, lawlessness, and mayhem. I immediately deployed the National Guard and Federal law enforcement to secure the building and expel the intruders. America is and must always be a nation of law and order. The demonstrators who infiltrated the Capitol have defiled the seat of American democracy. To those who engage in the acts of violence and destruction, you do not represent our country. And to those who broke the law, you will pay.&lt;br&gt;We have just been through an intense election, and emotions are high. But now tempers must be cooled and calm restored. We must get on with the business of America. My campaign vigorously pursued every legal avenue to contest the election results. My only goal was to ensure the integrity of the vote. In so doing, I was fighting to defend American democracy. I continue to strongly believe that we must reform our election laws to verify the identity and eligibility of all voters and to ensure faith and confidence in all future elections.
**post-January 6 speech [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/videotaped-remarks-the-attack-the-united-states-capitol-the-certification-the-electoral Videotaped Remarks on the Attack on the United States Capitol, the Certification of the Electoral College Results, and the Transition to a New Administration] on January 7

*To all of those who have asked, I will not be going to the Inauguration on January 20th.
**[https://archive.is/tzc2r 7:44am tweet] on 8 January 2021

* His ingenuity, genius, and creativity earned him immense wealth, but his character and philanthropic generosity his great name. Sheldon was also a staunch supporter of our great ally the State of [[Israel]]
** [[President Trump]] in [https://www.npr.org/2021/01/12/693679109/sheldon-adelson-conservative-donor-and-casino-titan-dies-at-87 Sheldon Adelson, Conservative Donor And Casino Titan, Dies At 87] January 12, 2021

* We will be back in some form
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-01-20 | author = Kevin Liptak |  url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/20/politics/donald-trump-leaves-white-house/index.html |title=Trump departs Washington a pariah as his era in power ends |publisher=CNN}}

====February 2021====
* The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] can never again be respected or strong with political “leaders” like Sen. [[Mitch McConnell]] at its helm. McConnell’s dedication to business as usual, status quo policies, together with his lack of political insight, wisdom, skill, and personality, has rapidly driven him from Majority Leader to Minority Leader, and it will only get worse. The Democrats and [[Chuck Schumer]] play McConnell like a fiddle—they’ve never had it so good—and they want to keep it that way! We know our America First agenda is a winner, not McConnell’s Beltway First agenda or Biden’s America Last.
* It was a complete election disaster in Georgia, and certain other swing states. McConnell did nothing, and will never do what needs to be done in order to secure a fair and just electoral system into the future. He doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and never will.
* Mitch is a dour, sullen, and unsmiling political hack, and if Republican Senators are going to stay with him, they will not win again. He will never do what needs to be done, or what is right for our Country.
** [https://www.politico.com/f/?id=00000177-ad2a-d713-a777-edee3b100000 Statement by Donald J. Trump, February 16, 2021]

====March 2021====
* Do you miss me yet? Do you miss me?
* Mr. McLaughlin just gave me numbers that nobody's ever heard of before, more popular than anybody. That's all of us. It's all of us.
* We won the election twice. I mean, you know, think about it ...
* But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, OK? For a third time.
* This election was rigged. And the Supreme Court and other courts didn't want to do anything about it.
* And the only people that should be allowed to vote by mail are people that can be proven to be either very sick or out of the country or military where they can't do it. One day.
* And then a Republican president will make a triumphant return to the White House. And I wonder who that will be. I wonder who that will be. Who, who, who will that be, I wonder?
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-01 | author = Chris Cillizza |  title = The 50 most ridiculous lines from Donald Trump's CPAC speech | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/01/politics/donald-trump-cpac-speech/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* Karl Rove has been losing for years, except for himself.
* He's a RINO of the highest order, who came to the Oval Office lobbying for 5G for him and a group.
* He's a pompous fool with bad advice and always has an agenda.
* If the Republican Party is going to be successful, they're going to have to stop dealing with the likes of Karl Rove and just let him float away, or retire, like Liddle' Bob Corker, Jeff 'Flakey' Flake, and others like Toomey of Pennsylvania, who will soon follow.
* 31 million people listened to my CPAC speech online, and it had among the largest television audience of the week, even though it was on cable at 4pm on Sunday afternoon.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-05 | author = Chris Cillizza |  title = The 17 most outlandish lines from Donald Trump's attack on Karl Rove
 | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/05/politics/donald-trump-karl-rove-2020-election/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* I will not be endorsing, under any circumstances, the failed candidate from the great State of Alaska, [[w:Lisa Murkowski|Lisa Murkowski]]. She represents her state badly and her country even worse. I do not know where other people will be next year, but I know where I will be — in Alaska campaigning against a disloyal and very bad Senator.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-06 | author = Alex Isenstadt |  title = Trump vows to campaign against 'disloyal' Murkowski
 | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/06/trump-lisa-murkowski-2022-474028 |publisher=Politico}}

* No more money for RINOS.  They do nothing but hurt the Republican Party and our great voting base--they will never lead us to Greatness. Send your donation to Save America PAC at DonaldJTrump.com. 
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-10 | author = Michael Warren, Fredreka Schouten, Eric Bradner |  title = Trump's clash with GOP over using his name in fundraising ignites midterm worries | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/10/politics/trump-republican-fundraising-midterms/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* I would recommend it, and I would recommend it to a lot of people that don't want to get it and a lot of those people voted for me, frankly. But again, we have our freedoms and we have to live by that and I agree with that also. But it is a great vaccine. It is a safe vaccine and it is something that works.
** On the COVID-19 vaccine. Quoted by {{citation|date=2021-3-16|author=Meredith McGraw|title=Trump encourages Americans to get the Covid vaccine|publisher=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/16/trump-americans-covid-vaccine-476479}}

* &lt;i&gt; About the {{w|2021 storming of the United States Capitol}}:&lt;/i&gt; It was zero threat, right from the start, it was zero threat. Look, they went in, they shouldn't have done it. Some of them went in, and they are hugging and kissing the police and the guards, you know, they had great relationships.  A lot of the people were waved in, and then they walked in and they walked out.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-26 | author = Veronica Stracqualursi |  title = Trump lies about Capitol riot by claiming his supporters were 'hugging and kissing' cops | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/26/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-arrests/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody’s ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim — he’s the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me.  We have to, and the tough is…in the most humanitarian way, because that’s what it is. What’s happening to the kids, they’re living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there’s never been anything like what’s, and you’re gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call ’em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it’s gonna be, it’s just uh, look, it’s a disaster. It’s a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it’s gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can’t afford it because you’re talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything.
** Wedding toast, quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Bess Levin |  title = Of course Donald Trump crashed a wedding a gave a rambling, incoherent speech about Biden, Iran and China | url=https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/03/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-wedding-speech |publisher=Vanity Fair}}

* Based on their interviews, I felt it was time to speak up about [[Anthony Fauci|Dr. Fauci]] and Dr. Birx, two self-promoters trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations, which I fortunately almost always overturned.  They had bad policy decisions that would have left our country open to China and others, closed to reopening our economy, and years away from an approved vaccine — putting millions of lives at risk
* Dr. Birx was a terrible medical advisor, which is why I seldom followed her advice.
* I only kept Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx on because they worked for the U.S. government for so long — they are like a bad habit!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Benjamin Din |  title = Trump lashes out at Fauci and Birx after CNN documentary
 | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/29/trump-fauci-birx-cnn-documentary-478422 |publisher=Politico}}
* Dr. Birx is a proven liar with very little credibility left.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Brett Samuels |  title = Trump targets Fauci, Birx in lengthy diatribe
 | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/545472-trump-targets-fauci-birx-in-lengthy-diatribe |publisher=The Hill}}

====April 2021====
* Happy Easter to ALL, including the Radical Left CRAZIES who rigged our Presidential Election, and want to destroy our Country!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-04-05 | author = Martin Pengelly |  title = Who needs Twitter? Trump wishes happy Easter to 'radical left crazies'
 | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/apr/04/trump-wishes-happy-easter-to-radical-left-crazies |publisher=The Guardian}}

* I'll give you a little breaking news, [[w:Pfizer|Pfizer]] is in with the FDA. What the FDA did with [[w:Johnson &amp; Johnson|Johnson and Johnson]] is so stupid
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20210627112356/https://www.pharmamanufacturing.com/industrynews/2021/trump-blasts-fda-for-j-and-j-vax-pause-says-pfizer-in-with-the-agency/ TV interview with Sean Hannity]

* Getting out of Afghanistan is a wonderful and positive thing to do. I planned to withdraw on May 1st, and we should keep as close to that schedule as possible.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-biden-afghanistan-pullout-wonderful-and-positive-thing-to-do-2021-4?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Trump says Biden's plan to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan is a 'wonderful and positive thing to do'&quot;], Business Insider, 19 April 2021

====May 2021====
*If a thief robs a jewelry store of all of its diamonds (the 2020 Presidential Election), the diamonds must be returned. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-05.10.21-4 10 May 2021]

*The entire Database of [[Maricopa County]] in Arizona has been DELETED! This is illegal and the Arizona State Senate, who is leading the Forensic Audit, is up in arms. Additionally, seals were broken on the boxes that hold the votes, ballots are missing, and worse. Mark Brnovich, the Attorney General of Arizona, will now be forced to look into this unbelievable Election crime. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/desk/desk-4yeh37peju/ 15 May 2021]

====June 2021====
*Congratulations to the country of [[Nigeria]], who just banned [[Twitter]] because they banned [[Muhammadu Buhari|their President]]. More COUNTRIES should ban Twitter and Facebook for not allowing free and open speech — all voices should be heard. [[Mark Zuckerberg|Zuckerberg]] kept calling me and coming to the White House for dinner telling me how great I was. 
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-more-countries-should-ban-twitter-facebook-zuckerberg-2021-6]

*They may allow me back in two years. We got to stop that. We can’t let it happen. So unfair. They are shutting down an entire group of people. Not just me. They are shutting down the voice of a much more powerful and a much larger group.
** about Facebook banning him, in rally speech [https://deadline.com/2021/06/donald-trump-facebook-mark-zuckerberg-1234770087/]

====July 2021====
*The American people’s birthright of freedom must prevail against [[Big Tech]] and other forces that seek to destroy it.
**7 July 2021 [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/07/07/trump-big-tech-lawsuit-498536 Politico, Trump plans class action suit against Twitter, Facebook]
*The de facto [[censorship]] arm of the US government.
**7 July 2021 [https://www.rt.com/usa/528607-donald-trump-facebook-twitter/ Russia Today]
*Many say I am the greatest star-maker of all time. But some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage. 
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20210715183933/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-07.15.21-06 15 July 2021 on DonaldJTrump.com]

====August 2021====
*There is massive and unconditional evidence that the election was shattered with fraud and irregularities at a level that our Country has never seen before. Much of it is already public, and a great deal more is coming out in the very near future. Every time you read a statement that there is “no evidence of election fraud,” about the 2020 election scam, just attribute that statement to a crooked and collusive media (they work closely together with the Radical Left Democrats) that will do anything to hide the real facts of this election fiasco.  
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-qvb8wmvsyn0 1 August 2021]

*If I were President right now, with COVID raging back, people being shot and killed in record numbers all over our cities, and the Border totally open with criminals and heavily infected COVID people pouring through our Southern Border and into our communities, the Fake News Media would be having an absolute field day. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-kyatp4nd8q0 2 August 2021]

* If our soccer team, headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs, wasn’t woke, they would have won the Gold Medal instead of the Bronze.
* Woke means you lose, everything that is woke goes bad, and our soccer team certainly has.
* They should replace the wokesters with Patriots and start winning again. The woman with the purple hair played terribly and spends too much time thinking about Radical Left politics and not doing her job!
** Said about the US women's national soccer team after winning a bronze medal in the Olympic Games in Tokyo, as quoted in [https://amp.theguardian.com/football/2021/aug/05/donald-trump-uswnt-usa-soccer-olympics-bronze-megan-rapinoe-tokyo-2020 &quot;‘Woke means you lose’: Donald Trump rails at USWNT after Olympic bronze&quot;], The Guardian, 5 August 2021

* I have quietly said for years that Mitch McConnell is the most overrated man in politics— now I don't have to be quiet anymore.
** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calls-mitch-mcconnell-most-overrated-man-politics-ahead-infrastructure-vote-1617944 &quot;Trump Calls Mitch McConnell 'Most Overrated Man in Politics' Ahead of Infrastructure Vote&quot;], Newsweek, 10 August 2021

* I recommend: take the vaccines. I did it. It’s good. Take the vaccines.
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/22/trump-booed-at-alabama-rally-after-telling-supporters-to-get-vaccinated.html &quot;Trump booed at Alabama rally after telling supporters to get vaccinated&quot;], CNBC, 22 August 2021

====September 2021====
* If they let you do your job you wouldn’t have crime in New York!
* I’ve been given so much support by the people who do what you do.
* We love the blue. I’ll say it loud. You know, you’re not supposed to say that. We love the blue.
**[https://nypost.com/2021/09/11/trump-makes-surprise-visit-to-new-york-police-and-firefighters/ Trump makes surprise visit to New York police and firefighters on 9/11]

* We’re not going to have a country left in three years, I’ll tell you that.
** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-predicts-america-end-002940784.html &quot;Donald Trump Predicts America Will End Within 3 Years&quot;], quoted by David Moye, Yahoo News, 15 September 2021

* [[w:Anthony Gonzalez (politician)|1]] down, 9 to go!
** &quot;[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/sep/17/trump-celebrates-gonzalezs-exit-1-down-9-go/ Trump celebrates Gonzalez’s exit: ‘1 down, 9 to go!’]&quot; (September 17, 2021)

* Everybody will be watching [[Arizona]] tomorrow to see what the highly respected auditors and Arizona State Senate found out regarding the so-called Election!
** &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/09/24/arizona-review-draft-report-tally-biden-won-514088 GOP-led Arizona election review closely matches Biden's winning margin]&quot; (September 23)

* They want to go after me because I have, they think, a big mouth. I don't have a big mouth, you know what I have, I have a mouth that tells the truth.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-says-has-mouth-tells-truth-while-lying-georgia-rally-2021-9?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Trump says he has 'a mouth that tells the truth' while making false statements at Georgia rally&quot;], Insider, 26 September 2021
October 2021 
“I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit,” Trump said in the October 2021 deposition, according to a transcript of the proceedings.


====October 2021====
* Nobody has done more for [[Christianity]] or for [[evangelicals]] — or for [[religion]] itself — than I have.
** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-claims-nobody-has-done-more-religion-itself-him-1635036 &quot;Donald Trump Claims Nobody Has Done More 'for Religion Itself' Than Him&quot;], Newsweek, 2 October 2021

* the real insurrection happened on November 3rd, the Presidential Election, not on [[January 6th]]—which was a day of protesting the Fake Election results
** [https://www.npr.org/2021/10/06/1043746455/trump-continues-to-lie-says-real-insurrection-happened-when-he-lost-election Trump continues to lie, says 'real insurrection' happened when he lost election]&quot; (October 6, 2021)
* [[Republican]] [[Senators]], do not [[vote]] for this terrible deal ([[debt]] limit) being pushed by folding [[Mitch McConnell]]. Stand strong for our Country. 
* The [[American]] people are with you!
** In an emailed statement &quot;[https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/575876-trump-urged-gop-senators-to-vote-against-mcconnell-debt-deal Trump urges GOP senators to vote against McConnell debt deal]&quot; (October 7,2021)

*  If we don't solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented), Republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do.
** According to an MSNBC article and a short video &quot;[https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/democrats-finally-have-reason-celebrate-one-trump-s-threats-n1281494 Democrats finally have reason to celebrate one of Trump's threats]&quot; (October 13, 2021)

* It’s so sad when you see that they are approving these windmills — worst form of energy, the most expensive.  You talk about carbon emissions, well they are making them. More goes into the air than if you ran something for 30 years.
* I’m not into golden showers.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-touts-putin-relationship-rails-233840649.html &quot;Trump Touts Putin Relationship, Rails About Wind Energy's 'Carbon Emissions' In Speech&quot;], Yahoo News (October 16 2021)

* After years of litigation, I was pleased to have had the opportunity to tell my side of this ridiculous story — Just one more example of baseless harassment of your favorite president
** &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-faces-pile-civil-lawsuits-depositions-begin-n1281612 Trump faces a pile of civil lawsuits as depositions begin]&quot; (October 18, 2021)

* Wonderful to see [[Colin Powell]], who made big mistakes on Iraq and famously, so-called weapons of mass destruction, be treated in death so beautifully by the Fake News Media. Hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic RINO, if even that, always being the first to attack other Republicans. He made plenty of mistakes, but anyway, may he rest in peace!
** {{cite news|author=Chris Cillizza |url=https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/19/politics/donald-trump-colin-powell-death/index.html |title=Donald Trump (yet again) proves there's no bottom |work=cnn.com|date=October 19, 2021 |accessdate=October 19, 2021}}

*We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced
**&quot;[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/20/trump-announces-social-media-platform-launch-plan-spac-deal.html Trump announces social media platform launch plan, SPAC deal]&quot; (October 20, 2021)

*[[Israel]] doesn’t even control [[Congress]] anymore.
**29 October 2021 per https://thepostmillennial.com/exclusive-president-donald-j-trump-speaks-to-the-post-millennial

====November 2021====
*RINOs who supported infrastructure bill should be ashamed of themselves
**on Sky News Australia [[Youtube]] channel '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZG-D0e8T0A video]''' (November 7, 2021)

====December 2021==== 
*He was very early. Like earlier than most. I haven’t spoken to him since. Fuck him,
**10 December 2021 interview with Barak Ravid about [[Benjamin Netanyahu]] per [https://www.timesofisrael.com/fck-him-in-interview-trump-rages-at-netanyahu-over-congratulations-to-biden/ Times of Israel]
* I thought the [[Palestinians]] were impossible, and the [[Israelis]] would do anything to make peace and a deal. I found that not to be true.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Trump: I thought Israelis would do anything for peace, but found that not to be true], ''Times of Israel'' (11 December 2021)
*Bibi did not want to make a deal. Even most recently, when we came up with the maps. Now I don’t know if he didn’t want to make it for political reasons, or for other reasons. I wish he would have said he didn’t want to make a deal, instead of…. Because a lot of people devoted a lot of work. But I don’t think Bibi would have ever made a deal. That’s my opinion. I think the general [Gantz] wanted to make a deal.
**11 December 2021 quoted by [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Times of Israel]

*There’s people in this country that are Jewish that no longer love Israel.&lt;br&gt;I’ll tell you the Evangelical Christians love Israel more than the Jews in this country.&lt;br&gt;It used to be that Israel had absolute power over Congress and today I think it’s the exact opposite, and I think Obama and Biden did that.&lt;br&gt;And yet in the election, they still get a lot of votes from Jewish people…which tells you that the Jewish people, and I’ve said this for a long time.&lt;br&gt;The Jewish people in the United States either don’t like Israel or don’t care about Israel.&lt;br&gt;I mean, you look at The New York Times, The New York Times hates Israel, hates them, and they’re Jewish people that run The New York Times, I mean the Sulzberger family.
**17 December 2021 per [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/12/donald-trump-anti-semitism-jews-israel Vanity Fair]

*I think the origins are so obvious. They came out of the Wuhan lab. And I think if anybody thinks anything differently, they’re just kidding themselves. So, you can ask — China has to pay. They have to do something. '''They have to pay reparations'''. And China doesn’t have the money to pay those reparations. I believe that worldwide — I’m not just talking United States — worldwide, '''$60 trillion of damage''', $60 trillion. China doesn’t have $60 trillion. But they have to do something to make up for what they’ve done. What they’ve done to the world is so horrible. It’s been horrible, all over the world. And it doesn’t stop.
**[https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2021/12/19/trump-china-must-pay-for-covid-origins-they-have-to-pay-reparations/ 19 December 2021]

* &lt;i&gt; About developing vaccines against Covid-19: &lt;/i&gt;  Look, we did something that was historic, we saved tens of millions of lives worldwide. We, together, all of us, not me.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/20/politics/donald-trump-booster-shot-boos/index.html &quot;Trump met with boos after revealing he received Covid-19 booster&quot;], CNN, 21 December 2021

* I came up with a vaccine, with three vaccines.
** [https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/public-global-health/587079-trump-pushes-back-on-candace-owens-people-arent-dying &quot;Trump pushes back on Candace Owens: 'People aren't dying when they take the vaccine'&quot;], The Hill, 23 December 2021

===2022===
====January 2022====
* If you take [[COVID-19 vaccine|the vaccine]], you're protected. Look, the results of the vaccine are very good, and if you do get it, it's a very minor form. People aren't dying when they take the vaccine.
** 6 January 2022, interviewed by [[Candace Owens]], discussing the [[COVID-19 vaccine]]; reported in Bruce Y. Lee, &quot;[https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2021/12/24/trump-tells-candace-owens-that-covid-19-vaccines-work-one-of-the-greatest-achievements-of-mankind/ Trump Tells Candace Owens That Covid-19 Vaccines Work: 'One Of The Greatest Achievements Of Mankind']&quot;, [[Forbes]] (Jan 6, 2022)

*I ran twice and we won twice.&lt;br&gt;This crowd is a massive symbol of what took place, because people are hungry for the truth. They want their country back.
**15 January 2022 [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2022/01/trump-arizona-rally-2024-election/621244/ via Elaine Godfrey of The Atlantic]

*If I run and if I win, we will treat those people from January sixth fairly. We will treat them fairly.&lt;br&gt;And if it requires pardons, we will give them pardons. Because they are being treated so unfairly.
**30 January 2022 [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2022/01/hope-go-jail-get-book-thrown-deserve-lindsey-graham-susan-collins-buck-trump-vow-persecute-jan-6ers/ reported by TGP]

*Actually, what they are saying, is that Mike Pence did have the right to change the outcome, and they now want to take that right away. Unfortunately, he didn’t exercise that power. '''He could have overturned the election!'''
**31 January 2022, at a rally in Conroe Texas, as quoted in “[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/jan/31/donald-trump-mike-pence-overturn-election Quiet part loud: Trump says Pence ‘could have overturned the election’]”, by Martin Pengelly, for ''{{w|The Guardian}}''.

====February 2022====
*I was right and everyone knows it. If there is fraud or large scale irregularities, it would have been appropriate to send those votes back to the legislatures to figure it out.
**4 February 2022 per 7 February 2022 report by Reuters [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/pence-says-trump-was-wrong-that-he-could-have-overturned-2020-election-result-2022-02-04/ Pence says Trump was wrong that he could have overturned 2020 election] by Alexandra Ulmer

* I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, 'This is genius.' [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] declares a big portion of the Ukraine, of [[Ukraine]], Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that's wonderful.  So Putin is now saying, 'It's independent,' a large section of Ukraine. I said, 'How smart is that?' And he's going to go in and be a peacekeeper. That's the strongest peace force.  We could use that on our southern border. That's the strongest peace force I've ever seen. ... Here's a guy who's very savvy. ... I know him very well. Very, very well.
** Said about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, in an interview at The Clay Travis &amp; Buck Sexton Show, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/23/politics/donald-trump-vladimir-putin-joe-biden/index.html &quot;Trump sides with Putin as Biden tries to stop a war&quot;], CNN, 23 February 2022.

* They say, 'Trump said Putin's smart.' I mean, he's taking over a country for two dollars' worth of [[Sanction|sanctions]]. I'd say that's pretty smart. He's taking over a country — really a vast, vast location, a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/24/politics/donald-trump-praises-putin/index.html &quot;Why Donald Trump can't stop praising Vladimir Putin&quot;], CNN, 24 February 2022

====March 2022====
*They laid down the welcome mat and gave Russia the opening, now Putin may be getting everything he wanted, with Ukraine and the rest of the World suffering the consequences. It’s terrible, but this is what you get with Biden, the Democrats, and RINO warmongers! [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-cxhdzqwssb1663 03/01/22 ]
* The vote counter is often more important than the candidate.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-says-gop-needs-tougher-211714688.html &quot;Trump says the GOP needs to get 'tougher' at the ballot box: 'The vote counter is often more important than the candidate'&quot;], yahoo news, 6 March 2022
*Whatever happened to free speech in our Country? Incredibly, but not surprisingly, the Big Tech lunatics have taken down my interview with the very popular NELK Boys so that nobody can watch it or in any way listen to it....In Russia, the people are not allowed to know that they’re fighting a war with Ukraine, that’s where our media is going, and that’s where our Country is going because it quickly follows—just study history.We need freedom of speech again, we don’t have it and it’s getting worse every day!
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-tayryvrzzk1694 Statement by Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America 03/11/22]
*She owes me nearly $300,000, Now all I have to do is wait for all of the money she owes me.
**[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2022/mar/21/donald-trump-crows-liberal-9th-circuit-court-seals/ Trump crows as liberal 9th Circuit seals victory over Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti]
*I listen to him constantly using the n-word, that’s the n-word, and he’s constantly using it, the nuclear word. They didn’t attack any other countries under us. I’m the only one where that didn’t happen. And with Bush, they took Georgia, and they took Crimea with Biden and Obama. And now he said ‘to hell with it. Let’s take the whole thing'.
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-nuclear-n-word-b2040702.html Trump says Putin keeps using the ‘n-word’ meaning ‘nuclear’ as he claims Russian leader is ‘different’ man to one he dealt with]
*Single most dangerous time for our country in history... yet you have people like John Kerry worrying about the climate! The climate! Oh, I heard that the other day. Here we are, [Russian President Vladimir Putin is] threatening us [and] he’s worried about the ocean will rise one-hundredth of one percent over the next 300 fucking’ years.
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/28/two-stark-reminders-about-political-challenge-tackling-climate-change/ Two stark reminders about the political challenge of tackling climate change]
*The Left has become so extreme that we now have a justice being nominated to the Supreme Court who testified under oath that she could not say what a woman is, And a party that's unwilling to admit that men and women are biologically different in defiance of all scientific and human history, is a party that should not be anywhere near the levers of power in the United States of America.
**[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/watch-single-most-dangerous-time-trump-blasts-climate-change-crt-and-kbj ‘Single most dangerous time’: Trump blasts climate change, CRT, and KBJ]
====April 2022====
*Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are trying everything to destroy our country May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy and well!
**[https://news.yahoo.com/biden-trump-release-very-different-202600019.html Yahoo!]
*He went out of his way to deceptively edit an interview and got caught. That is a big story, isn’t it?
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-hm9chvnk6z0 Donald Trump], [https://www.mediaite.com/tv/listen-trump-releases-audio-to-ending-of-doctored-interview-with-fool-piers-morgan/ mediaite]

* I think I’m the most honest human being perhaps that god ever created.
** Claimed at an an event in Selma, North Carolina, on April 10, 2022, referred to in [https://www.thelist.com/829709/donald-trump-just-described-himself-in-a-very-unexpected-way/ &quot;Donald Trump Just Described Himself In A Very Unexpected Way&quot;], ''The List'' (April 12, 2022)

* But when I didn’t win the election ..
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene &amp; Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy &amp; Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) (video)

* Which would you rather be, a dumb person or a dictator?  Perhaps a dictator would be better.  I don't want to be a dumb person.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-rather-be-a-dictator-than-a-dumb-person-video-2022-4?r=US&amp;IR=T Trump says he'd rather be 'a dictator' than 'a dumb person' after bragging about the cognitive test he took in 2018], Business Insider, 22 April 2022
April 2022
Dictor: Okay. And you said that, ‘If you see someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them would you.’ That was your statement?

Trump: Oh, yeah. It was very dangerous.

Dictor: What was very dangerous?

Trump: We were threatened.

Dictor: With what?

Trump: They were going to throw fruit. We were threatened. We had a threat.

Dictor: How did you become aware that there was a threat that people were going to throw fruit?

Trump: We were told. I thought Secret Service was involved in that, actually. And you get hit with fruit, it’s – no – it’s very violent stuff. We were on alert for that.Trump attorney Jeffrey Goldman: A tomato is a fruit after all, I guess. … It has seeds.

Trump: It’s worse than a tomato, it’s other things also. But tomato, when they start doing that stuff, it’s very dangerous. There was an alert out that day.

Dictor: Who were you speaking to when you said …

Trump: The audience.

Dictor: So you were speaking to the audience when you said if they saw someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them, would you?

Trump: That was to the audience. It was said sort of in jest. Buy maybe, you know, a little truth to it. It’s very dangerous stuff. You can get killed with those things. … I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit. And some fruit is a lot worse than – tomatoes are bad by the way. But it’s very dangerous … they were going to hit – they were going to hit very hard.

“So I got a little notice, in case you’re seeing these security guys — we have wonderful security guys,” Trump said at the Iowa rally. “They said, ‘Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience.’ So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay?”

====May 2022====
*With rampant and record setting crime, a 42.8% increase over last year was just announced, and every other unimaginable problem, no wonder everyone is leaving the New York State, including businesses left and right. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-sarvcupgsh1991 Save America] 

* I am not currently in possession of any Trump Organization-issued phones, computers or similar devices.
:I believe the last phone or device I was issued by the Trump Organization was a cellphone in 2015. I no longer have the cellphone in my possession and I am not aware of its current location.
:Since January 1, 2010, I previously owned two flip phones and a [[w:Samsung|Samsung]] mobile phone. I do not have the two flips [sic] phones in my possession and I do not know their current whereabouts.”
:[Samsung] it was taken from me at some point while I was president. I do not have the Samsung in my possession and I do not know its current whereabouts.
:* '''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/11/trump-fine-contempt-new-york-letitia-james Trump must pay $110,000 fine to purge contempt, judge says]''' (Wed 11 May 2022 18.53 BST)

*[[w:Kathy Barnette | Kathy Barnette]] will never be able to win the general election against the radical left democrats. She has many things in her past which have not been properly explained or vetted, but if she is able to do so, she will have a wonderful future in the Republican Party — and I will be behind her all the way
** [[Trump]]  according to [https://www.smerconish.com/exclusive-content/pennsylvania-my-primary-concern Pennsylvania: My Primary Concern] (May 14)

=====NRA convention speech (May 27, 2022)=====
* The existence of evil in our world is not a reason to disarm law-abiding citizens. The existence of evil is one of the very best reasons to arm law-abiding citizens.
* Every time a disturbed or demented person commits a hideous crime there is always a grotesque effort by some in our society to advance their own extreme political agenda.
** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/28/school-shooting-strengthens-case-for-guns-donald-trump-tells-nra &quot;School shooting strengthens case for guns, Donald Trump tells NRA&quot;] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2022)

* We need a top-to-bottom security overhaul of schools [...] Every building should have a single entry point. No one should ever be able to get near a classroom until they have been checked, scanned and screened ... Above all, from this day forward, every school in America should have an armed police officer or an armed resources officer on duty at all times. [...] Clearly, we need to make it far easier to confine the violent and mentally deranged into mental institutions.
** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/after-horror-failure-of-uvalde-massacre-business-as-usual-at-nra-meeting-in-houston-20220528-p5ap7y.html &quot;After horror, failure of Uvalde massacre, business as usual at NRA meeting in Houston&quot;] ''The Sydney Morning Herald'' (May 28, 2022)

==== July 2022 ====
* Warmongering and despicable human being [[Liz Cheney]], who is hated by the great people of Wyoming (down 35!), keeps saying, over and over again, that HER Fake Unselect Committee may recommend CRIMINAL CHARGES against a President of the United States who got more votes than any sitting President in history,
** Said about Republican Congress Member Liz Cheney after she mentioned the possibility of raising criminal charges against Trump for his role in connection with the January 6 attack on the Congress of the United States, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2022/07/04/trump-rips-liz-cheney-after-she-suggests-jan-6-charges/ &quot;Trump rips ‘despicable’ Liz Cheney after she suggests Jan. 6 charges for ex-president&quot;], New York Post, 4 July 2022

* Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it.
** Claimed about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]].  Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ &quot;Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally&quot;], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022)
 
* I feel very confident that, if I decide to run, I’ll win.
* In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision, so nothing factors in anymore. In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision.
* I made America great again, and I may have to do it again.
** [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/donald-trump-2024-decision.html &quot;Donald Trump on 2024: ‘I’ve Already Made That Decision’ The only question left in the former president’s mind is when he’ll announce&quot;], Intelligencer, 14 July 2022

==== September 2022 ====
* J.D. is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad.
** Said about [[w:J. D. Vance|James David Vance]], Republican Senate candidate for Ohio, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html &quot;Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun&quot;], CNN, 20 September 2022

* If you're the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it, because you're sending it to Mar-a-Lago or to wherever you're sending it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but it doesn't have to be.
** [https://www.baynews9.com/fl/tampa/politics/2022/09/22/trump--presidents-can-declassify-files-by--thinking-about-it- &quot;Trump: Presidents can declassify files by 'thinking about it'&quot;], Bay News 9, 22 September 2022

==== October 2022 ====
* They actually taunted him, if you really look at it. Our country, and our so-called leadership, taunted Putin. I said, you know, they're almost forcing him to go in with what they're saying. The rhetoric was so dumb.
** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-blames-us-almost-forcing-putin-invade-ukraine-1750145/ Trump Blames U.S. for 'Almost Forcing' Putin to Invade Ukraine], Newsweek, 8 October 2022

==== November 2022 ====
* We're winning big, big, big in the [[Republican Party]] for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before
:There it is, Trump at 71 [percent]. [[Ron DeSanctimonious]] at 10 percent. [[Mike Pence]] at 7 — oh, Mike Pence doing better than I thought​.
:* [https://nypost.com/2022/11/06/trump-mocks-desantis-as-ron-desanctimonious/ Pompeo jumps to defend DeSantis after Trump's 'Ron DeSanctimonious' comments] (By Mark Moore November 6, 2022 1:41pm  Updated)

*The Absentee Ballot situation in Detroit is REALLY BAD.&lt;br&gt;People are showing up to Vote only to be told 'sorry, you have already voted.'&lt;br&gt;This is happening in large numbers, elsewhere as well.&lt;br&gt;Protest, Protest, Protest!
**8 November 2022 [https://truthsocial.com/embed/109309832870332871 post on TruthSocia] later [https://twitter.com/JocelynBenson/status/1590079320302968832 quoted via screenshot in tweet] by [[Jocelyn Benson]] which was [https://www.yahoo.com/now/trump-amplifies-nonsense-claims-voter-212425641.html quoted by Yahoo News]

* Well, I think if they win, I should get all the credit. And if they lose, I should not be blamed at all, OK, but it’ll probably be just the opposite.
:* [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/09/us/politics/trump-endorsements-midterms-gop.html Trump Hoped for a Celebration but Did Not Have Much to Cheer] (By By Michael C. Bender and Maggie Haberman November 9, 2022, 2:33 a.m. ET)

* [[Ron DeSantis|Ron DeSanctimonious]] is playing games! The Fake News asks him if he's going to run if President Trump runs, and he says, 'I'm only focused on the Governor's race, I'm not looking into the future.' Well, in terms of loyalty and class, that's really not the right answer.
** Adam Carlson, Jay O'Brien, and Katherine Faulders, [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-takes-aim-ron-desantis-suggesting-2024-rival/story?id=93084111 Trump takes aim at Ron DeSantis, suggesting he's a 2024 rival], ''ABC News'' (November 10, 2022).

*He shows up with 3 people, two of which I didn’t know, the other a political person who I haven’t seen in years,” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Fake News went CRAZY!”
**29 November 2022 on Truth Social (per [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-kanye-west-nick-fuentes-mar-a-lago-dinner-1234638552/ this article] by Charisma Madarang of Rolling Stone) after [[Kanye West]] showed up for dinner with Boeing employee Jamal and [[Nick Fuentes]] (the two unknowns) and [[Karen Giorno]] (an aide from Trump's 2016 campaign) in a meeting arranged by [[Milo Yiannopoulos]] (who did not attend) via Karen

====December 2022====
* People have been treated unconstitutionally in my opinion and very, very unfairly, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.
** Comments made concerning rioters involved in the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] during a fund raising speech cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/02/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-support/index.html &quot;Trump expresses support for Capitol rioters as he continues to embrace extremist groups&quot;] ''CNN Politics'' (December 2, 2022)

* Do you throw the Presidential Election Results of 2020 OUT and declare the RIGHTFUL WINNER, or do you have a NEW ELECTION? A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution.
** cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/03/politics/trump-constitution-truth-social/index.html &quot;Trump calls for the termination of the Constitution in Truth Social post&quot;] ''CNN Politics'' (December 4, 2022)

* Merry Christmas to EVERYONE, including the Radical Left Marxists that are trying to destroy our Country, the Federal Bureau of Investigation that is illegally coercing &amp; paying Social and LameStream Media to push for a mentally disabled Democrat over the Brilliant, Clairvoyant, and USA LOVING Donald J. Trump, and, of course, the Department of Injustice, which appointed a Special &quot;Prosecutor&quot;, who, together with his wife and family, HATES &quot;Trump&quot; more than any other person on Earth.  
* I had almost nothing to do with January 6th.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/donald-trumps-merry-christmas-message-132006918.html &quot;Donald Trump's 'Merry Christmas' Message Is A Grievance-Filled Lump Of Coal&quot;], Yahoo News, 25 December 2022

===2023===
====January 2023====
*So an out-of-control wild man kills beautiful Ashli Babbitt, a true Patriot, who was the only one killed on January 6th.&lt;br&gt;Her mother goes to protest her death and memory, and they arrest her mother.&lt;br&gt;Something has to be done about these [[Communism|Communists]] and [[Marxism|Marxists]] that are taking over and destroying our Country.&lt;br&gt;Pray for Ashli, and her wonderful, brave mother!
**8 January 2023 [https://gab.com/realdonaldtrump/posts/109655572118634418 gab]

*The [[left-wing]] [[gender]] [[insanity]] being pushed on our children is an act of child abuse—very simple.
**31 January 2023 [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-attacks-transgender-rights-video-1234671967/  per Rolling Stone]

====February 2023====
* Rihanna gave, without question, the single worst Halftime Show in Super Bowl history—This after insulting far more than half of our Nation, which is already in serious DECLINE, with her foul and insulting language. Also, so much for her ‘Stylist!’
** [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social &quot;Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'&quot;], Vanity Fair, 13 February 2023

====March 2023====
=====CPAC keynote speech (March 4, 2023)=====
&lt;small&gt;CPAC keynote address in National Harbor, Maryland, on March 4, 2023, reported in {{cite web|url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-key-moments-donald-trump-cpac-speech-1785586 |title=Five Key Moments from Donald Trump's Crucial CPAC Speech|first1=Khaleda|last1=Rahman|publisher=Newsweek|date=March 5, 2023}}&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm the only candidate who can make this promise: I will prevent, and very easily, World War III.

* We are never going back to a party that wants to give unlimited money to fight foreign endless wars but demands we cut veteran benefits and retirement benefits at home.

* We’re not going back to people that want to destroy our great Social Security system – even some in our own party; I wonder who that might be – who want to raise the minimum age of Social Security to 70, 75 or even 80 in some cases, and who are out to cut Medicare to a level that will be unrecognizable

* In 2016, I declared: I am your voice. Today, I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution.

* I will totally obliterate the deep state. I will fire the unelected bureaucrats and shadow forces who have weaponized our justice system like it has never been weaponized before. And I will put the people back in charge of this country again.

*This is the final battle – they know it, I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Either they win, or we win. And I promise you this: If you put me back in the White House, their reign will be over, and America will be a free nation once again.

*'''Before I even arrive''' at the Oval Office, I will have the disastrous war between Russia and Ukraine settled.&lt;br&gt;I will get the problem solved.&lt;br&gt;And I will get it solved in rapid order and ''''it will take me no longer than one day''', I know exactly what to say to each of them, I got along very well with Putin.
**the [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/04/politics/trump-cpac-speech/index.html March 4th] speech was referenced when this was quoted [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/07/politics/trump-desantis-ukraine-2024-campaign/index.html March 7th] by Stephen Collinson in a CNN analysis
***Trump later reuses the phrase &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; in [[#June 2024]] in Philadelphia

====April 2023====
*Republicans in Congress should defund the DOJ and FBI until they come to their senses. The Democrats have totally weaponized law enforcement in our country and are viciously using this abuse of power to interfere with our already under siege elections!
**[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/donald-trump-calls-defunding-federal-police-arrest-new-york-rcna78301 Donald Trump calls for defunding federal police after his arrest in New York] ''Truth Social'' (April 5, 2023)

=====NRA convention speech (April 14, 2023)=====
* Our country has been chock full of guns for centuries, and there was no talk of [[w:School shooting|massacres of schoolchildren]] until around the year 2000. That's what it really started. They started talking about it. '''This is not a gun problem.''' This is a mental health problem. This is a social problem. This is a cultural problem. This is a spiritual problem.
* I will ask Congress to repeal totally ineffective legislation that makes it harder to protect our schools and easier for criminals to face absolutely no opposition when they go in. I will also create a new tax credit to reimburse any teacher for the full costs of a concealed carry firearm and training from highly qualified experts. Who's better? Who's better? '''If even 5% of teachers, people that are skilled with arms, we want that. 5% were voluntarily armed and trained to stop active shooters. We would achieve effective deterrence and the problem would cease to exist.'''
** From a [[National Rifle Association|NRA]] convention speech in Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=97388003ab4443938dba616244ea0117 &quot;Trump calls for arming teachers at NRA convention&quot;] ''AP Newsroom'' (April 15, 2023)

* [T]he only way to stop these wicked actions is to '''ensure that any sicko who would shoot up a school knows that within seconds, not minutes, they will face certain death.'''
** Speech at the NRA convention, Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/04/14/trump-pence-nra-2024/ &quot;Trump, in legal peril, draws cheers at NRA convention; Pence draws boos&quot;] ''The Washington Post'' (April 14, 2023)

====May 2023====
*They’re dying, Russians and Ukrainians. '''I want them to stop dying.''' And I’ll have that done — '''I’ll have that done in 24 hours'''
**May 2023 at a CNN Town Hall, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-russia-ukraine-war-un-election-a78ecb843af452b8dda1d52d137ca893 2 July 2024 article by Edith M. Lederer for AP News]

==== June 2023 ====
[[File:&quot;TOP SECRET SCI&quot; (Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information) cover sheets - from, Classified intelligence material found during search of Mar-a-Lago (cropped).jpg|thumb|I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!]]

* I have been [[Federal prosecution of Donald Trump|summoned to appear at the Federal Courthouse]] in [[Miami]] on Tuesday, at 3 PM. I never thought it [[possible]] that such a thing could happen to a former [[President of the United States]], who received far more [[votes]] than any sitting President in the History of our Country, and is currently leading, by far, all Candidates, both [[Democrat]] and [[Republican]], in Polls of the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 Presidential Election]]. I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!
** Web posting, reported in [https://www.local10.com/news/local/2023/06/08/trump-told-to-appear-in-miami-after-indictment-by-federal-grand-jury-abc-reporting/ &quot;Trump told to appear in Miami after indictment by federal grand jury, ABC reporting&quot; in ''WPLG Local 10'' (8 June 2023)]

*'''This is the final battle'''. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. expel the warmongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the Communists, Marxists, and Fascists, and we will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. We will rout the fake news media, and we will defeat crooked Joe Biden. We will liberate America from these villains once and for all. 
**[https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/06/trump-lists-all-the-villains-he-plans-to-destroy-in-a-second-term Trump told the audience at the Oakland County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner]

*For three years, Biden and his radical left allies have waged war on American auto workers in his ridiculous crusade to force everyone into electric cars, ridiculous regulations kill more than half of US auto jobs and decimate the suppliers that they decimated already, decimate the suppliers and it’s going to decimate your jobs.
**[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/26/donald-trump-accuses-joe-biden-environmental-extremism/ Telegraph] , [https://www.candgnews.com/news/trump-headlines-oakland-county-republican-party-lincoln-day-dinner-2796 Trump headlines Oakland County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner]

====July 2023====
*“Is it Crooked Joe and his wonderful son, Hunter? Release the findings, release the tapes. We can’t have a crackhead in charge of our Nuclear Arsenal!!
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-hunter-biden-cocaine-justice-department-b2373556.html]
*… He’s totally compromised...I don’t like doing the same word for two people. We’re using the word crooked for Joe Biden because Joe Biden is the most crooked president in the history.
**[https://www.republicworld.com/world-news/us-news/trump-says-he-was-very-kind-to-biden-then-tells-us-president-gloves-are-off-articleshow.html republicworld]
*We have potential for a war outside of Ukraine - Russia. We should have kept Bagram because Bagram is one of the largest military bases in the world cost us billions of dollars to build forget about Afghanistan, it's one hour away from where China is building their nuclear weapons.
**[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg]
*If China takes Taiwan they will turn the world off potentially.
**[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg]
*Millions of illegal aliens have stormed across our borders. It is an invasion, like a military invasion. Our rights and liberties are being torn to shreds,Your country is being turned into a third-world hellhole, run by censors, perverts, criminals, and thugs.”
**[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/trump-u-s-is-being-turned-into-a-third-world-hellhole-run-by-perverts-and-thugs criminals and perverts]

*America is tired of being ruled by radical bureaucrats in Washington the Bidens, the Clintons, the Obamas, the Radical Left Democrats, the Marxists – guys like Paul Ryan and Karl Rove. Their reign will be over, and it will be over quickly, and America will be a free nation once again.
**speech [https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-says-hes-the-only-candidate-that-cant-be-owned-or-controlled/]
* Think of this. We give them everything, including military protection and trade, and now we have to pay them to go there. As President I will not allow this, will end very quickly.
**“U.S. CITIZENS WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A VISA TO TRAVEL TO EUROPE STARTING IN 2024.” [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110776705512999901]
*Gloves are off.Under crooked Joe Biden. I never called him that. I took the name away from Hillary Clinton. We call her beautiful Hillary now.Now it's crooked Joe, because it's a much more appropriate name right now for this man who's just destroying our country.
**rally [https://www.newsmax.com/newsmax-tv/donald-trump-july-4-south-carolina/2023/07/01/id/1125653/]
*As part of my plan to obtain total independence from China, we will phase in tariffs and import restrictions to bring back production of all essential medicines to the United States of America where they belong. I signed an executive order to begin this process in 2020 but Biden has shamefully failed to follow through. He wants it ended. He wants to take care of China.
*[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-promises-to-return-production-of-cancer-drugs-essential-medicines-to-u-s/]

*They don’t go after the people who cheated in the election, they only go after the people who report on, or question the cheating if you don't have strong borders you don't have a country, right now we don't have a country.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781850689911246]

*Trumpism or America first is very simple low taxes and regulations , the most powerful military , tariffs on countries taking advantage, protection of section amendment , great healthcare , low energy prices, parental power on school boards, life , strong borders.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781828901024566]

*I expect nothing from the meeting with my lawyers and the lunatics in the DOJ regarding January 6th. They just want to interfere with the Presidential Election on 2024. It is their new form of cheating, but we will win !!! How can deranged Jack Smith bring a case on January 6th., as ridiculous as it is anyway, when I have already won such a case, and been fully acquitted, in the U.S. Senate? In other words, I was Impeached on this, and won!!! 
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793264554684917] [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793284091097891]

====August 2023====
*These monsters, all controlled and coordinated by the DOJ and Radical Left Lunatics, are Criminalizing Political Speech, a total SHUTDOWN OF DEMOCRACY!
**Truth Social Post 6:28 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895990420845351]

*CROOKED JOE BIDEN IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY CHINA, UKRAINE, &amp; VARIOUS OTHER COUNTRIES. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM - ALL OF HIS MISDEEDS. HE IS A COMPROMISED PRESIDENT WHO IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL. HE IS A MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE!
**Truth Social Post 6:20 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895877441671196]

*I believe we have a compromised president. He was bribed, and now he’s being blackmailed. He’s a Manchurian Candidate. That’s why Crooked Joe is letting other countries walk all over the United States.
**Truth Social Post on August 15, 2023.[https://links.truthsocial.com/link/110895072887935769]

*IMPOSSIBLE to get a fair trial in Washington, D.C., which is over 95% anti-Trump, &amp; for which I have called for a Federal TAKEOVER in order to bring our Capital back to Greatness. It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation and, indeed, the World
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110823476578708544
*I AM NOW GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO BE ARRESTED FOR HAVING CHALLENGED A CORRUPT, RIGGED, &amp; STOLEN ELECTION. IT IS A GREAT HONOR, BECAUSE I AM BEING ARRESTED FOR YOU. Biden and his family steal Millions and Millions of Dollars, including BRIBES from foreign countries, and I’m headed to D.C. to be ARRESTED for protesting a CROOKED ELECTION. UNFAIR VENUE, UNFAIR JUDGE. We are a Nation in Decline.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826519469646840 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826840688757163
*CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I HAD TO FLY TO A FILTHY, DIRTY, FALLING APART, &amp; VERY UNSAFE WASHINGTON, D.C., TODAY, &amp; THAT I WAS THEN ARRESTED BY MY POLITICAL OPPONENT, WHO IS LOSING BADLY TO ME IN THE POLLS, CROOKED JOE BIDEN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD DAY!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110828062805817649
*A very sad day for America, and it was also very sad driving through Washington, D.C., and seeing the filth and decay and all of the broken buildings and walls and the graffiti. This is not the place that I left. It’s a very sad thing to see it.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-tells-reporters-if-you-cant-beat-him-you-persecute-him-or-you-prosecute-him/
*They’re trying to make it illegal to question the results of a bad election…But only a party that cheats in elections would try to make it illegal, on Election Day 2024, we’re going to evict Crooked Joe Biden from the White House…We’re going to expel the criminals and thugs from the halls of power in Washington, D.C. 
**[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-draws-biggest-crowd-ever-to-alabama-gop-dinner/ Alabama]

*We are NOT a free nation, We don’t have a free press. We have a corrupt press.
*[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-the-tables-must-turn-and-we-will-quickly-destroy-the-deep-state/ Alabama]
*OUR HIGHLY PARTISAN, AND VERY CORRUPT,  DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE, COULD HAVE BROUGHT THIS BIDIN “OPPONENT” CASE YEARS AGO, BUT CHOSE TO WAIT AND BRING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ELECTION CAMPAIGN. NO WAY!!! I HOPE YOU ARE WATCHING AMERICA. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110842856814664717 
*This will be the single biggest and most important election in the history of our country - maybe in the history of the WORLD.
**https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110840001623943794 

*The “shocking and totally unexpected” loss by the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to the our once great Nation under Crooked Joe Biden. Many of our players were openly hostile to America - No other country behaved in such a manner, or even close. WOKE EQUALS FAILURE. Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!!
*https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110845290114601452

*WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE IS DOING TO ME IS THE SAME THING DONE BY THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT IT WILL NOT WORK.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-explains-why-he-should-not-have-a-protective-order-placed-on-him-by-deranged-jack-smith/ 

*Let’s see! My political Opponent, Crooked Joe Biden, tells Merrick Garland and the DOJ to indict and arrest me on bogus charges and accusations, trying desperately to steal the Election. But that wasn’t enough! He now wants Thug Prosecutor, Deranged Jack Smith, to file for a Court Order taking away my first amendment rights, SPEECH. So, based on yet another Radical Left Hoax, I’ll be the only “Politician” in American history not allowed to SPEAK. THE NEVER ENDING WITCH HUNT CONTINUES.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110852063479466833

*They just found a letter from Crooked Joe Biden directly to Keven Archer. Oh well, so much for “Joe” not knowing anything about all of the money he extorted. At some point the LameStream Media will have to cover this story, perhaps the biggest scandal in U.S. history. When they do, our Country will start to heal!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110850107581995665

*HOW CAN MY CORRUPT POLITICAL OPPONENT PUT ME ON TRIAL(S) DURING A CAMPAIGN THAT I AM WINNING (BY A LOT!), BUT FORCING ME TO SPEND TIME AND MONEY AWAY FROM THE “CAMPAIGN TRAIL” IN ORDER TO FIGHT BOGUS ACCUSATIONS &amp; CHARGES? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE FUTURE OF ELECTIONS IN AMERICA? CAN A PRESIDENT ORDER HIS DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO INDICT AN OPPONENT JUST PRIOR TO AN ELECTION? 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110849582956879248

*Just found out that Crooked Joe Biden’s DOJ secretly attacked my Twitter account, making it a point not to let me know about this major “hit” on my civil rights. My Political Opponent is going CRAZY trying to infringe on my Campaign for President. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Does the First Amendment still exist? Did Deranged Jack Smith tell the Unselects to DESTROY &amp; DELETE all evidence? 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110860965885418709

*It’s not like the State or Country is coming down on me. It’s a dishonest politician and his gang of Thugs breaking the law in order to get re-elected. 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110859441854770499

*So now that I have full Subpoena Power because of the Freedom of Speech Sham Indictment by Crooked Joe Biden,  Deranged Jack Smith, and the DOJ, it has just been reported that the Unselect January 6th Committee of Political Hacks and Thugs has illegally destroyed their Records and Documents. This is unthinkable, and the Fake Political Indictment against me must be immediately withdrawn. The system is Rigged &amp; Corrupt, very much like the Presidential Election of 2020. We are a Nation in Decline.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110857162338915853
*Thousands of veterans were put on secret medial wait lists and many of them were left to die, All of that changed when WE arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-lays-out-exemplary-agenda-that-will-restore-hope-and-care-to-americas-veterans/ 

*Whenever more Biden corruption is exposed his henchmen charge me with a crime.
**https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110855681234356104 
*I think that Crooked Joe Biden is not only dumb and incompetent, I believe he has gone MAD, a stark raving Lunatic, with his HORRIBLE AND COUNTRY THREATENING ENVIRONMENTAL, OPEN BORDERS, &amp; DOJ/FBI WEAPONIZATION POLICIES. HE IS A MENTAL CATASTROPHE THAT IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL!What Crooked Joe Biden, who can’t string two sentences together, has done to our once great Country through his Open Borders CATASTROPHE, may go down as the greatest and most damaging mistake ever made in USA HISTORY. It is not even believable that such incompetence and stupidity could have been allowed to happen. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED BY A MAN WITH THE MIND, IDEAS, AND I.Q. OF A FIRST GRADER. THIS INVASION OF OUR COUNTRY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865224814637476 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865185229848140


*The Fake Indictments against me didn’t come down from heaven, they came from the most corrupt President in the history of the United States, Crooked Joe Biden, in order to Rig &amp; Steal another Election.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110867274500411944]

*Why is “Phoney” (Like in PERFECT “PHONE” CALL, get it?) Fani Willis, the severely underperforming D.A. of Fulton County who is being accused of having an “affair” with a Gang Member of a group that she is prosecuting, leaking my name in regard to a Grand Jury pertaining to Election Fraud &amp; Irregularities that I say took place in Georgia. I made a PERFECT PHONE CALL OF PROTEST. What does Phoney Fani have to do with me? She should instead focus on the record number of murders in Atlanta!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882230702522121

*The only Election Interference that took place in Fulton County, Georgia, was done by those that Rigged and Stole the Election, not by me, who simply complained that the Election was Rigged and Stolen. We have Massive and Conclusive Proof, if the Grand Jury would like to see it. Unfortunately, the publicity seeking D.A. isn’t interested in Justice, or this evidence. Also, as in Manhattan, the corrupt DOJ is pushing hard trying to keep Biden in Office. The whole system is dishonest and broken!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882321735123573

*To say no comment is oftentimes fine, but to be smiling when you say it, especially again such a tragedy as this, is absolutely horrible and unacceptable, Our government was not prepared. And very importantly, the aftermath is going very poorly with the governor of the island wanting to do nothing but blame it on global warming, and other things that just happen to pop into his head.
**https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4152554-trump-bidens-response-to-maui-fires-disgraceful/


*“Hey, I’m running against a guy, I’m going to Indict him 3 or 4 times to keep him busy.” Does anyone think that Crooked Joe Biden would have said something like this???
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110914172490735501

*David Rivkin, a highly respected Constitutional law scholar, just clearly stated that I have “Constitutionally-based immunity” and “absolute immunity!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918895000463495

*Why should Crooked Joe Biden be able to force me into the time and expense of trials, especially before the Election, on bogus claims pushed by his chief political supporter, The Department of Injustice? What a horrible precedent this sets for future Presidential campaigns. Crooked Joe Biden’s only campaign strategy is Indicting me, going on extended vacations, and Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!!!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918860464876718 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918173717605996 

*I easily won the Great State of Georgia in 2016, did a fantastic job, as President, for Georgia and the entire USA, received 10 Million more votes than I got, nationwide, in 2016, got by far the most votes in history for a sitting President, but shockingly,  “LOST” Georgia. All this despite winning nearby Alabama and South Carolina in Record Setting Landslides. Why did Georgia officials agree to, and sign, the one sided Consent Decree? Does anybody really believe I lost Georgia? I DON’T!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110916681777676824


====September 2023====
*MINORITY VOTERS ARE ABANDONING CROOKED JOE BIDEN &amp; THE DEMOCRAT PARTY FOR “TRUMP.” THANK YOU, A VERY WISE DECISION!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/1110151303435539041

*It is all a shadow of its former self. Ukraine, Inflation, Bad Economy, Woke Military, No World Standing, No Respect, and today, 6 Billion Dollars for hostages. Where is the call from Republicans for the 25th Amendment.
**Truth social

*Can you believe that Crooked Joe Biden is giving $6 Billion to the terrorist regime in Iran? That money be used for terrorism all over the Middle East, and, indeed, the World. This incompetent FOOL is absolutely destroying America He had the audacity to announce this terrible deal today, September 11th. To pay for hostages will lead to kidnapping, ransom, and blackmail against Americans across the globe So, lets get this straight! We did a hostage TRADE with Iran. We gave them 5 very tough, smart people that they desperately wanted. We likewise got back 5 people BUT, we also gave them 6 BILLION DOLLARS! How much of a kickback does Crooked Joe Biden get Does anyone realize how much money 6 Billion Dollars is? When I was President, I got back 58 hostages for ZERO money. Remember Pastor Brunson? It sets a TERRIBLE precedent. Republicans, call out the 25th Amendment, NOW! Biden is INCOMPETENT
**https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4199317-trump-rips-biden-for-release-of-6b-in-iranian-funds/

*Early in the administration Education department will be closing . we spend more money on education than any other country yet we are bottom of every list.
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&amp;v=ojRde4zCYd0 Truth social]

*Biden’s job killing EV mandate has dictated that nearly seven percent of all cars sold in the US must be fully electric in less than 10 years. Crooked Joe Biden is back like a wretched old vulture.
**[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-crooked-joe-biden-is-back-like-a-wretched-old-vulture-trying-to-finish-off-his-prey/]

*[[Mark Milley]], who led perhaps the most embarrassing moment in American history with his grossly incompetent implementation of the withdrawal from Afghanistan, costing many lives, leaving behind hundreds of American citizens, and handing over BILLIONS of dollars of the finest military equipment ever made, will be leaving the military next week. This will be a time for all citizens of the USA to celebrate! This guy turned out to be a Woke train wreck who, if the Fake News reporting is correct, was actually dealing with China to give them a heads up on the thinking of the President of the United States. This is an act so egregious that, in times gone by, the punishment would have been DEATH! A war between China and the United States could have been the result of this treasonous act. To be continued!!!
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/111111513207332826 Truth social]

* Nobody has any idea where these people are coming from. And we know they come from prisons. We know they come from mental institutions, insane asylums. We know they're terrorists. Nobody has seen anything like we're witnessing right now. It is a very sad thing for our country. It's poisoning the blood of our country. It's so bad.
** ''The National Pulse'' interview, quoted in {{cite web |date=2023-10-17 |title=Trump - &quot;Migrants Poisoning the Blood of Our Country&quot; |work=Meidas Touch |url=https://www.meidastouch.com/:section/trump-migrants-poisoning-the-blood-of-our-country }}

====October 2023====
*We will immediately stop all of the pillaging and theft. Very simply: If you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store... Shot! The word that they shoot you will get out within minutes and our nation, in one day, will be an entirely different place. There must be retribution for theft and destruction and the ruination of our country
**2 October 2023 in [https://nypost.com/2023/10/02/trump-calls-for-shoplifters-to-be-shot-to-save-the-nation/ NY Post]

*I had a wonderful life before all this stuff. I '''didn't know what a grand jury was''', I didn't know what a subpoena, '''what is a subpoena'''? I had a wonderful life.
**5 October 2023 in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1uPUfVrb74&amp;t=842s spoken interview]

* lowlife with a very small brain and a very big mouth
* by far the dumbest of my military people
* incapable of doing a good job
* It was too much for him, and I couldn’t stand the guy, so I fired him like a ‘dog’
** Claimed about John Kelly, retired U.S. Marine Corps general, former Chief of Staff for Donald Trump, and before that US Homeland Security Secretary, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/05/donald-trump-john-kelly-comments-military-veterans &quot;‘Lowlife with small brain and big mouth’: Trump hits out at ex-aide Kelly&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (October 5, 2023)

* There’s a man, Viktor Orbán, did anyone ever hear of him?  He’s probably, like, one of the strongest leaders anywhere in the world. He’s the leader of Turkey.
**24 October 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-confuses-turkish-and-hungarian-leaders-orban-erdogan/ &quot;Trump praises Hungary’s ‘Viktor Orbán’ as great ‘leader of Turkey’&quot;], ''Politico''

==== November 2023 ====
* We pledge to you that we will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our Country, lie, steal, and cheat on Elections, and will do anything possible, whether legally or illegally, to destroy America, and the American Dream. The threat from outside forces is far less sinister, dangerous, and grave, than the threat from within. Despite the hatred and anger of the Radical Left Lunatics who want to destroy our Country, we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
** [https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/donald-trump-fascist-vermin/ &quot;The “Is Donald Trump a Fascist?” Debate Has Been Ended—by Donald Trump&quot;], ''The Nation'' (November 14, 2023)

====December 2023====
*: ''Sean Hannity:'' Under no circumstances, you are promising America tonight, you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody?
*:''Donald Trump:'' Except for day one.
*: ''Sean Hannity:'' Except for—
*: ''Donald Trump:'' ''[aside to audience, pointing at Sean]'' He's doing great. ''[to Sean]'' Except for day one. I want to close the border and I want to drill, drill, drill.

* We love this guy. He says, &quot;You’re not going to be a dictator, are ya?&quot; I said: &quot;No, no, no, other than day one. We're closing the border, and we're drilling, drilling, drilling. After that, I'm not a dictator.&quot;
**5 December 2023 in Davenport, Iowa town hall, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-05 |title=Trump to Hannity on Whether He’ll Abuse Power as President: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ |periodical=Rolling Stone |url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-hannity-iowa-town-hall-1234917385/ }}

* They let — I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do.&lt;br&gt;They're poisoning the '''blood of our country''', that's what they've done.&lt;br&gt;They poison mental institutions and prisons all over the world, not just in South America, not just to three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world. They're coming into our country from Africa, from Asia, all over the world.
**16 December 2023 in Durham, New Hampshire rally, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-17 |title=Trump says immigrants are 'poisoning the blood of our country.' Biden campaign likens comments to Hitler. |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-immigrants-are-poisoning-blood-country-biden-campaign-liken-rcna130141  }}

*ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS POISONING THE '''BLOOD OF OUR NATION'''
**17 December 2023 per [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-poisoning-blood-quote-fascism-b2465618.html Alex Woodward article in The Independent] on Trumps TruthSocial account after leaving New Hampshire

===2024===
====January 2024====
*Even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it.
**14 January 2024 per [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-worth-it-sick-vote-iowa-caucus-pass-away-2024-1 Business Insider] and  [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2024/01/15/donald-trump-vote-pass-away-iowa-caucus-vpx.cnn CNN]

*“We’re going to place strong protections to stop banks and regulators from trying to debank you from your—our political beliefs what they do. They want to debank you. We’re going to debank—think of this. They want to take away your country. Electric cars... They wanna take away your rights. They wanna take away your country. The things they’re doing. All [[Electric vehicles|electric cars]]. Give me a break. If you want an electric car, great. But they don’t go far. They’re very expensive. They gotta be made in China. That’s why I think I’m gonna get the autoworkers to vote for Trump. You know, we’re having great, great talks. But think of what they wanna do. They wanna take away your rights.”
**17 January 2024 at a campaign rally in New Hampshire, reported by several sources.&lt;ref name=&quot;evdb&quot;&gt;{{Cite web |website={{w|The Daily Beast}} |date=2024-01-21 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |title=We Need an Interpreter to Work Out Trump’s ‘Debanking’ Rant |department=The New Abnormal |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-debanking-rant-in-new-hampshire-and-electric-cars-makes-no-sense}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref name=&quot;evmed&quot;&gt;{{Cite web |url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/huh-trump-declares-they-wanna-de-bank-you-and-we-re-going-to-de-bank/ar-AA1n9KYV |title=Huh? Trump Declares, ‘They Wanna De-Bank You and We’re Going to De-Bank’ |first=Michael |last=Luciano |date=2024-01-18 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |website={{w|Mediaite}}}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* There is a great man, a great leader in Europe — [[Viktor Orbán|Viktor Orban]] [...] He is the Prime Minister of [[Hungary]]. He is a very great leader, a very strong man. Some people don't like him because he's too strong.
**20 January 2024 at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, as cited in [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-hails-hungarian-pm-orban-162500247.html &quot;Trump hails Hungarian PM Orban as 'great leader' and 'strong man'], ''Yahoo! News,'' reproduced from The New Voice of Ukraine (21 January 2024)

* We have become a drug infested, crime ridden nation which is incapable of solvin’ even the sollest smallest problem. The simplest of problems, we can no longer solve. We can’t do anything. We are an institute in a powerful death penalty. We will put this on.
** [https://www.indy100.com/video/donald-trump-incoherent-sentence-video &quot;Trump utter's incoherent sentence about US not solving 'sollest smallest problem'&quot;], ''Indy 100'' (January 23, 2024)

==== March 2024 ====
* People who are coming from parts unknown, countries that you’ve never heard of. Languages that nobody in this country speaks. We don’t even have teachers of some of these languages.  Who would think that we have languages that are like from the planet Mars?  Nobody, nobody, knows how to, you know, speak it.  
** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-out-of-this-world-claim_n_65e6de3ee4b0170871fb9275 &quot;Donald Trump Dragged To The Moon Over New Interplanetary Dog Whistle&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (March 25, 2024)
 
* They call it BleachBit, but it’s essentially acid that will destroy everything, you know, within ten miles.
** Claimed about a computer software program, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-still-seems-to-think-hillary-clinton-used-acid-to-delete-emails &quot;Trump STILL Seems to Think Hillary Clinton Used Acid to Delete Emails&quot;], ''The Daily Beast'' (March 13, 2024)

====April 2024====
*I called [Bill Bar] him ‘Weak, Slow Moving, Lethargic, Gutless, and Lazy,Based on the fact that I greatly appreciate his wholehearted Endorsement, I am removing the word ‘Lethargic’ from my statement.
**25 April 2024 per [https://web.archive.org/web/20240426044532/https://gazette.com/news/wex/bill-barr-endorses-trump-despite-past-criticism/article_1c59037c-c234-5540-be2e-8a5e59bf3ad9.html archive of The Gazette]

====May 2024====
*These people are running a Gestapo administration,And it’s the only thing they have. And it’s the only way they’re going to win in their opinion.Once I got indicted, I said well, now the gloves have to come off,If you care too much, you tend to choke. And in a way, I don’t care. It’s just you know, life is life.
**4 May 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-biden-administration-gestapo-private-donor-event-rcna150743 NBC writers] Burns/Brooks/Sonnier/Gomez/Terkel

* If he wins, our country is going to be destroyed.
* He’s a demented tyrant.
** Claimed about President of the United States of America Joe Biden, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ &quot;The Politics of Fear Itself&quot;], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024)

* Our cities are choking to death. Our states are dying. And frankly, our country is dying.
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ &quot;The Politics of Fear Itself&quot;], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024)

*I have been indicted more than the great Al Capone, on bullshit.
**11 May 2024 per [https://www.insidernj.com/trump-delusionary-in-new-jersey/ InsiderNJ] writer Max Pizarro

* Has anyone ever seen ''[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|The Silence of the Lambs]]''? The late, great Hannibal Lecter. He's a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner.
**11 May 2024 from a speech in Wildwood, N.J. per [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/05/13/trump-hannibal-lecter-immigration/ Washington Post], as cited 16 May 2024 in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/opinion/donald-trump-hannibal-lecter.html &quot;When Donald Trump Met Hannibal Lecter&quot;], ''The New York Times''

*I know we won (Minnesota) in 2020. We've got to be careful. We've got to watch those votes.
** 17 May 2024 during an address to the Minnesota Republican Party's annual Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in St. Paul per [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/05/18/donald-trump-minnesota-election/73747544007/ Donald Trump falsely tells supporters he won Minnesota in 2020], ''USA Today''

*'''Before I even arrive at the Oval Office''', shortly after we win the presidency, I will have the horrible war between Russia and Ukraine settled, and we will restore, as we had just four years ago, peace through strength. They respected our country and they respected your President. 
**18 May 2024 in Dallas, Texas in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgl06asFsXc speech to NRA aired on Fox], transcribed [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speaks-at-nra-convention 20 May 2024]
***Trump had previously used the &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; phrase in [[#May 2023]] and would again use it in Philadelphia the following month in [[#June 2024]]

*And if you vote for me, on Day One, I will commute the sentence of [[Ross Ulbricht]]
**20 May 2024 (Saturday night) at Libertarian National Convention, reported in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/25/trump-commute-ross-ulbricht-sentence-libertarian-convention-00160025 25 May 2024 article] by Peter Shaefer of Politico

*It boiled down to something that was very beautiful, the way it happened, and I got along with him very well.&lt;br&gt;He respected me, I respected him.&lt;br&gt;Very smart guy, very strong guy
**28 May 2024 about Kim Jong-Un, dictator in North Korea, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/181993/trump-brags-beautiful-relationship-cruel-dictator-kim-jong-un &quot;Watch: Trump’s Disgusting Praise for “Beautiful” Bond with Kim Jong Un&quot;], ''New Republic''

*We have a country that’s in big trouble, but this was a rigged decision right from day one, with a conflicted judge who should have never been allowed to try this case, And we’ll keep fighting we’ll fight till the end and we’ll win because our country has gone to hell. We don’t have the same country anymore. We have a divided mess. We’re a nation in decline, serious decline, millions and millions of people pouring into our country right now, from prisons and from mental institutions terrorists, and they’re taking over our country, real verdict would come in November.
**30 May 2024 from [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-reaction-guilty-verdict-new-york-criminal-trial/ Melissa Quinn of CBS] and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-jury-reaction-hush-money-trial-b2554187.html Ariana Baio of The Independent]

* Our witnesses were literally crucified by this man who looks like an angel, but he is really a devil.
**31 May 2024 [https://x.com/Acyn/status/1796560554359996767 tweet by Acyn] shows footage of Trump saying this about Judge [[Juan Merchan]], after Trump was found guilty in concealing payment of hush money to adult film performer Stormy Daniels, cited in [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-ridiculed-over-literally-crucified-trial-witness-claim_uk_665c277be4b00474bee95ad7 &quot;Social Media Mocks Trump's Claim That Trial Witnesses Were 'Literally Crucified'&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (June 02, 2024)

====June 2024==== 
*Don’t forget, if it weren’t me, they’d be going after somebody else. And I know a lot of the competition, They wouldn’t be doing so well right now. They’d be saying, ‘Mommy, take me home, I want to go home.
**2 June 2024 cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/06/02/trump-biden-heat-2024-elections-00161168 Politico article] by Mia McCarthy

*Wouldn't it be terrible to throw the President's wife and the former Secretary of State into jail? Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? But they wanna do it! It's a terrible, terrible, path that they're leading us to &amp; it's very possible that it's going to have to happen to them.
**5 June 2024 per [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-suggests-political-opponents-could-face-prosecution/ NewsNationNow article] by Brett Samuels of The Hill

*Those J6 warriors — they were warriors — but they were really, more than anything else, they’re victims of what happened... All they were doing is protesting a rigged election. That’s what they were doing.
**9 June 2024  [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4713140-trump-calls-j6-defendants-warriors/ &quot;Trump calls Jan. 6 defendants ‘warriors’&quot;]

* I don't care about you. I just want your vote. 
**10 June 2024  [https://lamag.com/politics/i-dont-care-about-you-i-just-want-your-vote-trump-says-at-his-latest-rally &quot;Trump to Nevada: ’I Don't Care About You... I Just Want Your Vote’&quot;], Los Angeles Magazine

* So I said, ‘Let me ask you a question.  Nobody ever asked this question. And it must be because of MIT. My relationship to MIT. Very smart. I say, What would happen if the boat sank from its weight? And you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there.  By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately. You notice that? A lot of shark. I watch some guys justifying it today. ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry. They bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were — they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what - who she was.’ These people are crazy.  ‘There’s no problem with sharks. They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming. No really got decimated and other people too, a lot of shark attacks. So I said, ‘So there’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards or here. Do I get electrocuted? If the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking. Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted? Or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?  ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark!
**10 June 2024 [https://newrepublic.com/post/182494/cognitive-decline-trump-rant-batteries &quot;Cognitive Decline? Trump Short-Circuits During Bonkers Rant&quot;], The New Republic
*before I even arrive at the Oval Office, shortly after we win the presidency
**22 June 2024 rally in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, quoted in a 2 July 2024 [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/07/02/nato-second-trump-term-00164517 Politico article] by Michael Hirsh
***Trump had previously used the phrase &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; in [[#March 2023]], and also used it in a May 2024 speech to the NRA the previous month

*I'm not rambling.
**23 June 2024 [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/his-brains-are-pudding-internet-mocks-trump-for-incoherent-defense-of-rambling-rant/ar-BB1oHYc9?item=flightsprg-tipsubsc-v1a?loadin=defaultbrowser &quot;'His brains are pudding': Internet mocks Trump for 'incoherent' defense of 'rambling' rant&quot;], MSN

*But I will tell you that would have never happened [if I was president]. Ukraine would have never happened. The israeli attack would have never happened and inflation would have never happened. Those are three big things. Inflation would have never happened.&lt;br&gt;No, I wouldn't support a national ban [on abortion]. No, I would not.
**20 June 2024 [https://deepcast.fm/episode/46167/in-conversation-with-president-trump#quotes/ &quot;In conversation with President Trump&quot;, on All-In with Chamath, Jason, Sacks &amp; Friedberg, found on DeepCast] 

* I want you to remember what they did to me. They tortured me in the Fulton County Jail, and TOOK MY MUGSHOT. So guess what? I put it on a mug for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!
**24 June 2024 [https://www.newsmax.com/newsfront/donald-trump-georgia-fundraising/2024/06/24/id/1169939/ &quot;Trump Fundraising Email: I Was 'Tortured' in Jail&quot;], Newsmax

* If I took this shirt off, you would see a beautiful beautiful person. But you would see wounds all over. I’ve taken a lot of wounds I can tell you. More than I suspect any president ever.
**24 June 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-talks-taking-off-105630724.html &quot;Donald Trump Talks About Taking Off His Shirt To Show 'Wounds.' Internet Can't Even.&quot;], Yahoo News

*Israel is the one. And you should let them go and let them go finish the job. He doesn’t want to do it. He’s become like a Palestinian, but hey, don’t like him because he’s a very bad Palestinian. He’s a weak one.
**27 June 2024 per [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744809-donald-trump-joe-biden-debate-palestine-israel/ The Hill article] by Brett Samuels

*If we had a real president, a president that knew -- that was respected by Putin ... he would have never invaded Ukraine.
**27 June 2024 debate with Joe Biden, cited [https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-he-can-end-the-russia-ukraine-war-in-one-day-russia-s-un-ambassador-says-he-can-t-1.6947744 1 July 2024] by Edith Lederer

====July 2024====
* I know nothing about project 2025.
* I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal.
** Claimed on July 5, 2024, quoted in:
::* [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/11/politics/trump-allies-project-2025/index.html &quot;Trump claims not to know who is behind Project 2025. A CNN review found at least 140 people who worked for him are involved&quot;], ''CNN'' (July 11, 2024)
::* [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/russell-vought-project-2025-centre-for-climate-reporting_n_66be3e85e4b04090eac4512c &quot;Project 2025 Co-Author Says Donald Trump ‘Very Supportive Of What We Do’&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (August 15, 2024)

*It was God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening...In this moment, it is more important than ever that we stand United, and show our True Character as Americans, remaining Strong and Determined, and not allowing Evil to Win
**14 July 2024 [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/it-was-god-alone-who-prevented-the-unthinkable-trump-on-assassination-attempt-6104182 per NDTV]

*By luck or by God, many people are saying it’s by God I’m still here.&lt;br&gt;The agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off, and my shoes are tight.&lt;br&gt;I had all prepared an extremely tough speech, really good, all about the corrupt, horrible administration. But I threw it away. I want to try to unite our country.
**14 July 2024 cited by [https://nypost.com/2024/07/14/us-news/grateful-defiant-trump-recounts-surreal-assassination-attempt-at-rally-im-supposed-to-be-dead/ NY Post] writer Michael Goodwin and [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/15/trump-assassination-attempt-rnc-speech-00168251 Politico] writer Isabella Ramirez

* Kamala even wants to pass laws to outlaw RED MEAT to stop climate change. 
* You know what that means? That means no more cows.
* I guess eventually she’s gonna mean no more people. Right? No more people.
** Claimed on July 25, 2024, without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-kamala-harris-does-not-want-to-ban-red-meat-as-trump-keeps-falsely-claiming-204515645.html &quot;Fact check: ​​Kamala Harris does not want to ban red meat as Trump keeps falsely claiming&quot;], ''Yahoo News'' (August 1, 2024)

* And then the [Kamala Harris] campaign says, 'I'm the prosecutor and he is the convicted felon.'
**25 July 2024 [https://www.comicsands.com/harris-trump-ad-prosecutor-felon-2668815011.html# &quot;Kamala Harris Uses 6-Second Clip Of Trump Telling The Truth About Her Campaign In New Ad—And It's Gold&quot;], ''Comic Sands''

*They say something happened to me when I got shot. I became nice.&lt;br&gt;If you don't mind, I'm not going to be nice. Is that okay?&lt;br&gt;If border czar Harris is in charge, every week they'll bring in a neverending stream of illegal aliens, rapists, blood thirsty killers, child murderers to go after our sons and our daughters.&lt;br&gt;Everything Kamala touches turns into a total disaster.
**25 July 2024 claims about US Vice President [[Kamala Harris]] at a sports arena in Charlotte, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13664627/donald-trump-Charlotte-north-carolina-kamala-harris.html &quot;Donald Trump turns his attention to 'radical left lunatic' Kamala Harris in first rally since Biden dropped out&quot;], ''Daily Mail''

*We have a new victim now, Kamala. A brand new victim, and honestly she’s a radical left lunatic. When you find out about her, all I have to say is defund the police,Three months ago, she was thought of so badly, [the media] were just killing her. And now they’re trying to make her into a, let’s say, Margaret Thatcher. I don’t think so. It’s not going to happen. Margaret Thatcher didn’t laugh like that. Did she?
**27 July 2024 in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/27/trump-harris-minnesota-rally-shooting-00171526 Politico article] by Myah Ward

*I pledge to the bitcoin community, that the day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over.On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler.
**date unknown, [https://www.ft.com/content/03e8e1d2-4244-4eba-9248-9bbd8d1b0090 Financial Times article]

*You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what, it will be fixed, it will be fine, you won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians...I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don't have to vote again, we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote.
**27 July 2024 in a speech to Turning Point Action in West Palm Beach, Florida, quote from the Reuters article [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/ &quot;Trump tells Christians they won't have to vote after this election&quot;] by Tim Reid

*I thought she was a little younger, but she's 60
**29 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, cited in [https://www.rawstory.com/donald-trump-2668835186/ &quot;She'll 'destroy the country': Trump rambles about Kamala Harris in new Fox News interview&quot;], ''RawStory''
***Kamala Harris was born 20 October 1964 so would not turn sixty until 20 October 2024, two weeks prior to the upcoming election - she was actually 59 years 9 months old when he said this 

*I’m not so sure which is better. But she either likes or loves me. And that’s nice.
**30 July 2024 about his wife Melania Trump, cited in [https://www.mercurynews.com/2024/07/30/trump-thinks-melania-either-likes-or-loves-him-following-assassination-attempt/ &quot;Trump thinks Melania ‘either likes or loves’ him following assassination attempt&quot;], ''Mercury News''

* Perverts and losers
**30 July 2024 describing members of the Lincoln Project, an organisation of moderate conservatives who oppose Trump and trumpism.  Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rages-republicans-campaigning-lincoln-project-1849509 &quot;Donald Trump Rages at Republicans Campaigning Against Him&quot;], ''Newsweek''

* She doesn’t like Jewish people. You know it, I know it and everybody knows it and nobody wants to say it.
**30 July 2024 claimed about US Vice President Kamala Harris, who is married to a Jewish husband.  Quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/trump-claims-harris-doesnt-like-jews-seems-to-agree-with-calling-her-husband-a-crappy-jew/ &quot;Trump claims Harris ‘doesn’t like Jews,’ seems to agree with calling her husband ‘a crappy Jew’&quot;], ''Times of Israel''

* If you are Jewish, regardless of Israel, if you’re Jewish, if you vote for a Democrat, you’re a fool, an absolute fool.
**30 July 2024 [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-agrees-with-radio-host-who-calls-doug-emhoff-a-crappy-jew &quot;Trump Agrees With Radio Host Who Calls Emhoff a ‘Crappy Jew’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

* So I've known her a long time - indirectly, not directly very much - and she was always of Indian heritage. And she was only promoting Indian heritage. I didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black.  And now she wants to be known as Black. So I don't know, is she Indian or is she Black?
**31 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, whose mother was a biologist from India and father is an emeritus professor of economics at Stanford University, originating from Jamaica.  Quoted in [https://www.nbcchicago.com/dnc-chicago-2024/all-of-a-sudden-trump-tells-black-journalists-in-chicago-that-kamala-harris-turned-black/3507125/ &quot;‘All of a sudden': Trump tells Black journalists in Chicago Kamala Harris ‘turned Black'&quot;], ''NBC Chicago''

* I don't want pronouns.
**31 July 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-gets-basic-english-123624171.html &quot;Donald Trump Gets Basic English Lesson After Ridiculous Comment About His ‘Pronouns’&quot;], ''Huffington Post / Yahoo Entertainment''

* A Black job is anybody that has a job.
**31 July 2024 [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/07/31/trump-black-journalist-convention-nabj.html &quot;Trump questions if Harris is Black, downplays Vance pick at Black journalists convention&quot;], ''CNBC''

====August 2024====
* That’s a weird deal going on there. They’re the weird ones. Nobody’s ever called me weird. I’m a lot of things, but weird I’m not.&lt;br&gt;You notice the evening news, every one of them, you know, they introduced the word ‘weird’, and all of a sudden they’re talking about ‘weird’.  No, we’re not weird people. We’re actually just the opposite. We’re right down the middle.&lt;br&gt;No, we're not weird. We're very solid people. We want to have strong borders. We want to have good elections. They’re the weird ones.
**1 August 2024 [https://time.com/7009800/donald-trump-responds-weird-label-jd-vance-tim-walz-commentary/ Time] and [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-stop-calling-jd-vance-and-me-weird &quot;Donald Trump: Stop Calling Me and J.D. Vance ‘Weird’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

* 24 HOURS UNTIL WE UNLEASH HELL.  At this time tomorrow, Crooked Kamala’s worst nightmares come true.&lt;br&gt;Tomorrow I step on stage and deliver Open Border Czar Kamala Harris the WORST defeat of her failed political career.&lt;br&gt;
**2 August 2024 campaign e-mail from Trump, cited in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4808393-trump-unleash-hell-atlanta-rally-harris/ &quot;Trump vows to ‘unleash hell’ on Harris at Atlanta rally&quot;], ''The Hill''

*This one is so smart, so sharp. She grabbed me. She gave me a kiss. I said &quot;I think I'm never going back home to the first lady.&quot; See now for the average politician, that's death. For me, I don't care. 
**4 August 2024 about [[Michaelah Montgomery]] at a rally in Georgia about an incident earlier in 2024, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13707347/donald-trump-georgia-rally-activist-michaelah-montgomery.html &quot;Trump's risqué remark to young activist who went viral for hugging him at Chick-fil-A after he invited her on stage at rally - as she makes VERY personal dig at Kamala&quot;], ''Daily Mail''

* I’m for electric cars. I have to be, you know, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So I have no choice.
**5 August 2024 [https://www.benzinga.com/news/24/08/40154264/trump-says-electric-cars-are-fantastic-after-tesla-ceo-elon-musks-endorsement-i-have-to-be-you-know &quot;Trump Says Electric Cars Are 'Fantastic' After Tesla CEO Elon Musk's Endorsement: 'I Have To Be, You Know… I Have No Choice'&quot;], ''Benzinga''

* Kamabla Harris is afraid to Debate me on FoxNews
**6 August 2024 cited in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-pathetic-way-attacking-120711256.html &quot;Donald Trump’s ‘Pathetic’ New Way Of Attacking Kamala Harris Is Slammed Online&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

* What are the chances that Crooked Joe Biden, the WORST President in the history of the U.S., whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him by Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin' Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left, CRASHES the Democrat National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination, beginning with challenging me to another DEBATE. He feels that he made a historically tragic mistake by handing over the U.S. Presidency, a COUP, to the people in the World he most hates, and he wants it back, NOW!!!
** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-suggests-biden-may-try-take-back-nomination-1935550 &quot;Donald Trump Suggests Biden May Try to 'Take Back The Nomination'&quot;], ''Newsweek''

* Crazy Kamabla is, indeed, CRAZY. I HEAR THERE IS A BIG MOVEMENT TO “BRING BACK CROOKED JOE&quot;.
** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-truth-social-biden-walz &quot;Trump shares outrageous Biden prediction in baffling Truth Social rant&quot;], ''Indy100''

* If you look at Caracas, it was known for being a very dangerous city and now it's very safe. In fact, the next interview we do, we'll do it in Caracas, Venezuela, because it's safer than many of our cities.
** 6 August 2024 [https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/trump-says-caracas-venezuela-is-safer-than-many-us-cities-20962070 &quot;Trump Says Caracas Is 'Safer Than Many of Our Cities'&quot;], ''Miami New Times''

*I heard she's sort of a nasty person.&lt;br&gt;She doesn't do interviews 'cause she can't answer questions.
**7 August 2024 about Vice President of the United States of America, Kamala Harris, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184640/donald-trump-kamala-harris-attacks &quot;Trump’s Latest Desperate Kamala Attacks Fall Hilariously Flat&quot;], ''The New Republic''

* A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner.&lt;br&gt;We’re gonna be living like dogs. Our whole country, our whole system, is gonna collapse.
**7 August 2024 about [[Tim Walz]], cited in [https://voz.us/en/politics/240807/15242/trump-on-the-election-of-walz-ticket-that-would-want-this-country-to-go-communist-immediately-if-not-sooner.html &quot;Trump, on the selection of Walz: 'A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner'&quot;], ''Voz'' (August 7, 2024)

*Kim Jong Un liked me a lot. He doesn't like this group [the Harris campaign]
**8 August 2024 cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trump-press-conference-mar-a-lago-updates.html &quot;Trump Agrees to Debate Harris at Rambling Press Conference: How It Happened&quot;], ''New York Magazine''

* I’ve spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody’s spoken to crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything, same number of people, if not we had more. And they said he had a million people, but I had 25,000 people.&lt;br&gt;Nobody was killed on Jan. 6.&lt;br&gt;The presidency was taken away from Joe Biden, and I’m no Biden fan, but I tell you what, from a constitutional standpoint, from any standpoint you look at, they took the presidency away.&lt;br&gt;Twenty million people came over the border during the Biden-Harris administration — 20 million people — and it could be very much higher than that. Nobody really knows.
**9 August 2024 quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-news-conference-fact-check-misinformation-eb899c1fc734f5ecb42b8d0902e5c004 &quot;FACT FOCUS: A look at claims made by Trump at news conference&quot;], ''AP News''

*Christie, he’s eating right now.  He can’t be bothered.&lt;br&gt;Sir, please do not call him a fat pig, that’s very disrespect.&lt;br&gt;See, I’m trying to be nice. Don’t call him a fat pig.  You can’t do that.&lt;br&gt;I was extremely respectful of Sloppy Chris Christie today in New Hampshire.  During a speech in front of a large crowd of Patriots, somebody shouted out that &quot;Chris Christie is a fat pig.&quot;  Rather than acknowleding that, which many speakers would have done, I said &quot;No, No, he is not a fat pig.&quot; I'm sure Chris would have been very happy with my defense of him!
**10 August 2024 [[Chris Christie]], cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/08/trump-is-pretending-he-didnt-call-chris-christie-fat-pig.html &quot;Trump Is Pretending He Didn’t Call Christie a ‘Fat Pig’&quot;], ''Intelligencer'' (August 10, 2024)

*Has anyone noticed that Kamala CHEATED at the airport?  There was nobody at the plane, and she ‘A.I.’d’ it, and showed a massive ‘crowd’ of so-called followers, BUT THEY DIDN’T EXIST!
**10 August 2024 cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/08/trump-claims-ai-images-kamala-harris-rallies/679445/ &quot;Trump’s Latest Falsehood Is a Huge Tell&quot;], ''The Atlantic''

*She’s a CHEATER. She had NOBODY waiting, and the ‘crowd’ looked like 10,000 people! Same thing is happening with her fake ‘crowds’ at her speeches. This is the way the Democrats win Elections, by CHEATING ‒ And they’re even worse at the Ballot Box. She should be disqualified because the creation of a fake image is ELECTION INTERFERENCE. Anyone who does that will cheat at ANYTHING!&lt;br&gt;EVERYTHING ABOUT KAMALA IS FAKE!
**12 August 2024, cited in  [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/12/trump-harris-rally-crowd-ai-conspiracy-theory/74763568007/ &quot;Trump blames Harris' crowds on AI, so let's all assume everything we don't like is fake!&quot;], ''USA Today''

*The worst president in history. And one of the reasons he was so bad, first of all, the Israeli attack would have never happened. Russia would never have attacked Ukraine and we'd have no inflation.  And we wouldn't have had the Afghanistan mess if you think of it.&lt;br&gt;Now she's looking like she wants to be more Trump than Trump if that's possible.She wants to have open borders. And now she's going like she's tough on the border. It's such a lie.
**12 August 2024 in [https://turboscribe.ai/transcript/share/4422534834081521519/HWE18owsC2u8E5u2HpZNikyBdermlV2YSwGlTEPKJJw/donald-trump-and-elon-musk-full-transcript-august-12-2024-https-x-com-i-spaces-1nakepnklwoxl TurboScribe article]

*The ocean is going to rise one-eighth of an inch over the next 400 years.  
**13 August 2024 about sea level rise, which is currently at 4 mm (5/32&quot;) per year with an accelerating trend.  Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview &quot;Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk&quot;], The Guardian

*The biggest threat is nuclear warming.
**13 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview &quot;Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk&quot;], The Guardian

*&quot;I said to Vladimir Putin, I said, 'Don't do it. You can't do it, Vladimir, you do it, it's going to be a bad day. You cannot do it.' And I told him things that what I do. And he said, 'No way.' And I said, 'way.' And, you know, it's the last time we ever had the conversation.
**13 August 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-zelenskyy-eu-freewheeling-musk-interview/ Politco article]

*You’re the greatest cutter,...I need an Elon Musk — I need somebody that has a lot of strength and courage and smarts. I want to close up the Department of Education, move education back to the states.
**13 August 2024 in [https://apnews.com/article/donald-trump-elon-musk-x-twitter-livestream-83d6d07fc0ffef4151c96fc56aeec9ee AP News article]

*Iran is no friend of mine, a lot of bad signals get sent.The reason is because I was strong on Iran and I was protecting people in the Middle East that maybe they aren’t so happy about that.
**14 August 2024 per [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/08/14/trump-iran-hack-campaign-00174002 political article]

*Kamala has declared that tackling inflation will be a Day One priority, but Day One for Kamala was 3½ years ago. Why hasn’t she done it? .‌‌.‌‌She's a critic. That's all she is.
**14 August 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trumps-economy-speech-veers-personal-attacks-harris-biden-rcna166652 NBC News article]

* Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?&lt;br&gt;I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU! Chris, can we take a picture during our all-expenses-paid trip together?  I already have the PERFECT spot picked out in Mar-a-Lago to show it off!
* MEET TRUMP! ENTER TO WIN
**14 August 2024 mass E-mail sent out to a large number of people.  [https://politicalemails.org/messages/1521460 &quot;Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?&quot;], PoliticalEmails.com (August 14, 2024) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBudZMFvcvY&amp;t=115s &quot;Trump Goes TOTALLY NUTS as his ENTIRE LIFE COLLAPSES&quot;], ''MeidasTouch'' (August 14, 2024)

*Miriam, I watched (Sheldon Adelson, her late husband) sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the Presidential Medal of Freedom. That’s the highest award you can get as a civilian, it’s the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian version. It’s actually much better, because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor – that’s soldiers. They’re either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets, or they’re dead. She gets it and she’s a healthy, beautiful woman, and they’re rated equal.
**15 August 2024 [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-medal-of-honor/index.html Trump says civilian award is ‘much better’ than Medal of Honor]

* We’re talking about a thing called the economy.&lt;br&gt;We’re doing this as an intellectual speech.&lt;br&gt;We literally are a third world nation, we literally are a third-world nation. We’re a banana republic in so many ways, and we’re not going to let that happen because we’re starting a free fall.&lt;br&gt;For nearly four years Kamala has crackled as the American economy has burned.&lt;br&gt;What happened to her laugh? I haven’t heard that laugh in about a week. That’s why they keep her off the stage, that’s why she has disappeared.&lt;br&gt;That’s the laugh of a crazy person, I will tell you.  She’s crazy.&lt;br&gt;Incompetent socialist lunatic.&lt;br&gt;Kamabla.&lt;br&gt;Rape and murder, rape and beatings, rape and something else, and sometimes just immediate killing. These people are brutal. These are people that came out of the toughest jails anywhere in the world from all over the world, and we can’t take them.
**16 August 2024 per [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/14/trump-rally-north-carolina-rambling-economy-harris-crime/74798514007/ &quot;Trump's North Carolina speech went predictably off the rails. Can he even spell 'economy'?&quot;], ''USA today''

* I think I’m entitled to personal attacks.&lt;br&gt;Now you’ll say he ranted and raved […] I’m a very calm person, believe it or not.
**16 August 2024 from [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-fury-harris-switch-campaign-analysis/index.html &quot;Trump’s fury over Harris’ switch with Biden is increasingly driving his campaign&quot;], ''CNN'' 

* She actually called me ‘weird.  And she called JD and I ‘weird.’ He’s not weird, he was a great student at Yale.&lt;br&gt;We have this guy that’s running a failed, really a very failed state who’s had a terrible career.  I mean you have him saying, ‘They’re weird.’ No, he’s a weird guy, and she’s weird in her policy.
**16 August 2024 claim about Vice President of the USA Kamala Harris and Governor of Minnesota Tim Walz, quoted in [https://sg.news.yahoo.com/trump-denies-jd-vance-weird-040509909.html &quot;Trump Denies He And JD Vance Are Weird In The Weirdest Way Possible&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

*I watched Sheldon sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the '''Presidential Medal of Freedom'''.&lt;br&gt;That's the highest award you can get as a civilian.&lt;br&gt;'''It's the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian''' version.&lt;br&gt;It's actually much better because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, they're soldiers.&lt;br&gt;They're either in very bad shape because they've been hit so many times by bullets or they are dead.&lt;br&gt;She gets it and she's a healthy, beautiful woman.&lt;br&gt;And they're '''rated equal''', but she got the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-medal-of-freedom-medal-of-honor/ &quot;Trump says Medal of Freedom &quot;equivalent&quot; to and &quot;much better&quot; than Medal of Honor, sparking backlash from veterans&quot;] ''CBS News'' (August 16, 2024) 

*Kamala will implement SOVIET Style Price Controls.  EVERY American will be taxed up to 80% of their income!&lt;br&gt;If Kamala is elected and implements her Communist Price Caps, there will be famine, starvation, and poverty, the likes of which we have never seen. America will NEVER recover!&lt;br&gt;Kamala Harris wants to raise your taxes and make you pay for free healthcare and free housing in luxury hotels for her millions of illegal aliens.
**16 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/kamala-harris-vs-trump-2668979250/ &quot;Donald Trump rants that 'famine' will come to America if Kamala Harris is elected&quot;], ''RawStory'' 

*I am much better looking than her.  I’m a better looking person than Kamala.&lt;br&gt;I say that I’m much better looking than her.  I had never heard that one. They said her biggest advantage was that she’s a beautiful-looking woman. Ha. I’d never thought of that.&lt;br&gt;I said, who am I running against, Harris? I said, ‘Who the hell is Harris?'&lt;br&gt;Joe Biden hates her.&lt;br&gt;They will say he’s rambling. I don’t ramble. I’m a really smart guy,
**18 August 2024 per  [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-im-better-looking-than-kamala-and-dont-say-i-ramble &quot;Trump: ‘I’m Better Looking than Kamala—and Don’t Say I Ramble’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

*You know, he said we’re weird.  That J.D. and I are weird. I think we’re extremely normal people.  We’re like you, we’re exactly like you.&lt;br&gt;He [Tim Walz] is weird.  Did you ever see him go on the stage and go, like, crazy? Between his movement and her laugh, there’s a lot of crazy. I’d say a step further than weird, weird is a nice word by comparison.
**19 August 2024 to a small crowd in York, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-insists-extremely-normal-during-204337061.html &quot;Trump Insists He’s “Extremely Normal” During Incredibly Weird Speech&quot;], ''Yahoo News / The New Republic''

*You can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread. You get shot, you get mugged, you get raped, you get whatever it may be.
**21 August 2024 at a rally in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trumps-latest-claim-crime-real-224038664.html &quot;Trump's Latest Claim About Crime Is A Real Doozy&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

* That was a coup, it was a vicious violent overthrow of a president of the United States.
**20 August 2024 about [[Joe Biden]] pulling out of the 2024 presidential election, quoted in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ &quot;Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - &quot;That Was A Coup&quot;&quot;], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News''

*We have a fool as a president.
**20 August 2024 cited in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ &quot;Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - &quot;That Was A Coup&quot;&quot;], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News''

*I think that women living in the suburbs—I keep hearing about ‘the suburban woman doesn’t like Trump,’ well, I think it’s a fake poll because why wouldn’t they like me? I keep the suburbs safe.
**202 August 2024 during a rally in a garage in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/185085/donald-trump-derails-speech-crime-complain-women &quot;Trump Derails Weird Speech on Crime to Complain Women Hate Him&quot;], ''New Republic''

*We're going to bring up electronics too. Electronics. We buy everything away. When you see the sophistication of the product I just saw at this place, electronics is peanuts.
**20 August 2024 in [https://www.dailykos.com/story/2024/8/19/2264243/-Thanks-Joe-We-won-t-forget-who-was-POTUS-in-2020 &quot;Thanks, Joe. We won't forget who was POTUS in 2020&quot;], ''Daily Kos''

*Our primary focus is not to get out the vote, it is to make sure they don’t cheat. We have all the votes we’ll need. You can see it ... every house along the way has signs: Trump, Trump, Trump, Vance, Trump, Vance.
**20 August 2024 in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-focus-ensuring-democrats-dont-cheat-not-voter-turnout-rcna167630 &quot;Trump says his focus is ensuring Democrats 'don't cheat,' not voter turnout — echoing efforts to undermine election&quot;], ''NBC News''

*There will be no future under Comrade Kamala Harris, because she will take us into a Nuclear World War III , She will never be respected by the Tyrants of the World!
**23 August 2024 in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/23/trump-reaction-harris-dnc-speech &quot;Harris’s convention speech sparks live rant from outraged Trump&quot;], ''The Guardian''

*My Administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights.
**23 August 2024 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113012083325505976 Truth Social]

*Kamala Harris is the weakest presidential candidate in history on crime.&lt;br&gt;She’s allowed millions of people to pour through our borders, many from prisons, mental institutions and, indeed, terrorists, coming in at levels never seen before.&lt;br&gt;What gives her the right to run for president?&lt;br&gt;She got no votes to Biden’s fourteen million.&lt;br&gt;She failed in her previous attempt, was the first one out of twenty-two people to quit, never made it to Iowa, and now she’s a presidential candidate?&lt;br&gt;This is a '''threat to democracy'''!
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-2669023213/ &quot;'What gives her the right to run?' Trump launches overnight tirade at Kamala Harris&quot;], ''RawStory'' (August 24, 2024)

*The truth is, they’re trying to get out of it because she doesn’t want to debate. She’s not a good debater, she’s not a smart person. She doesn’t want to debate.
**26 August 2024 in response to the Harris campaign‘s demand that their September 10th debate occur without muted microphones; in [https://nypost.com/2024/08/26/us-news/harris-campaign-urges-trump-to-take-abc-news-debate-without-muted-microphone/ &quot;Trump says Harris ‘trying to get out of’ debate over unmuted microphones demand&quot;] 

*15 stunning all-new digital trading cards, it's really something.  These cards show me dancing, even holding some BitCoins!
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-digital-trading-cards-2669080783/ &quot;Trump revives widely mocked digital trading cards as Harris gains in polls&quot;], ''RawStory'' (August 27, 2024)

*The Harris/Biden administration has been caught fraudulently manipulating job statistics to hide the true extent of the economic ruin that they’ve inflicted on America, Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the administration padded the numbers with an extra, listen to this one, 818,000 jobs that don’t exist.
**[https://www.poynter.org/fact-checking/2024/job-data-manipulated-fact-check/ &quot;Donald Trump falsely claimed that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris manipulated job data&quot;], ''Poynter'' (August 27, 2024)

* I think to a certain extent it’s Biden’s fault and Harris’s fault. And I’m the opponent. Look, they were weaponizing government against me, they brought in the whole DOJ to try and get me, they weren’t too interested in my health and safety,They’re saying I’m a threat to democracy,They would say that, that was standard line, just keep saying it, and you know that can get assassins or potential assassins going. That’s a terrible thing … Maybe that bullet is because of their rhetoric.
** With &quot;dr Phil&quot; [https://archive.ph/mamCT &quot;Trump, without evidence, in part faults Biden, Harris for assassination attempt&quot;], ''Washington Post'' (August 28, 2024)

*Well, I think the six-week (ban) is too short. It has to be more time. So…and I’ve told them that, I want more weeks. I am going to be voting that we need more than six weeks…. I believe in exceptions for life of the mother, —if you look— incest, rape.
** 29 August 2024 when asked how he was going to vote on the Florida amendment to overturn the six-week ban on abortion; in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-wants-make-ivf-treatments-paid-government-insurance-compani-rcna168804 &quot;Trump says he wants to make IVF treatments paid for by government or insurance companies if elected&quot;]

*I’m announcing today in a major statement that under the Trump administration, your government will pay for — or your insurance company will be mandated to pay for — all costs associated with IVF treatment. Because we want more babies, to put it nicely.
**30 August 2024 in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/we-want-more-babies-trump-promises-free-ivf-treatments-amid-abortion-rights-debate-says-us-government-will-pay-but-how/articleshow/112909996.cms 'We want more babies': Trump promises free IVF treatments amid abortion rights debate, says 'US government will pay' - But how?]

*I’ll be voting ’no’ for that reason&lt;br&gt;“’No’ on (Florida) Amendment 4?”&lt;br&gt;For that reason because it‘s radical. You talk about radical. Doing an abortion in the ninth month is unacceptable to anybody…. There‘s something in between, but the six (weeks) is too short, it‘s just too short a period and the nine months is unacceptable…. But for that reason, for the radicalization on the Democrats side, we‘re voting ’no’.&lt;br&gt;“…Would you veto a federal abortion ban?”&lt;br&gt;I‘m not going to have to think about it because it‘s working out so well right now. The states are doing it. It‘s a states issue…. Well, what‘s happening is you‘re never going to have to do it because it‘s being done by the states. The states are voting. And the people are now getting a chance to vote and this is the way everybody wanted it.
**30 August 2024 when asked about how he would vote on the Florida abortion amendment in the upcoming election in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pro-lifers-blast-trump-betrayal-shifting-abortion-stance-answer-florida-amendment-4 Pro-lifers blast Trump 'betrayal' with shifting abortion stance, answer on Florida Amendment 4]

*It’s crazy. Our country is being '''poisoned''', and your schools and your children are suffering greatly because they’re going into the classrooms, they’re taking the seats and they don’t even speak English.
**30 Aug 2024 quoted in [https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/aug/30/our-country-is-being-poisoned-trump-says-as-he-cou/ Washington Times article by Ali Swenson and Will Weissert]

* If you look at Kamala and you look at what she’s done to every place she’s touched has turned to s**t. Every single place she’s touched. I have to say, it. Every place she’s touched, you know?
** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/melania-plea-trump-control-swearing-202341688.html &quot;Melania’s plea for Trump to control his swearing flops as he tears into Harris at rally&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (August 31, 2024)

* I don’t need publicity. I get a lot of publicity. I would like to get a lot less publicity.&lt;br&gt;I would hire a public relations agent to get less publicity.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/30/trump-pennsylvania-rally-arlington-cemetery-photo-op?utm_source=sdrn%3Avg%3Aarticle%3AJbnA66 &quot;Trump denies exploiting visit to US soldiers’ graves: ‘I don’t need publicity’&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (August 31, 2024)

*Now, they have Kamala who has many deficiencies, but she's a nasty person. The way she treated Mike Pence was horrible. The way she treats people is horrible.
**31 August 2024 [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-saying-kamala-harris-was-horrible-mike-pence-mocked-1947392 Donald Trump Saying Kamala Harris Was 'Horrible' to Mike Pence Mocked]

====September 2024====
*you take a look at Venezuela as an example, the crime is down 72% because they've taken their criminals from Caracas, they've taken their drug dealers. They're emptying their prisons into our country
**[https://www.wtae.com/article/kamala-harris-donald-trump-pennsylvania-fact-check/62048503 ]
** [https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/crime-drop-in-venezuela-does-not-prove-trumps-claim-the-country-is-sending-criminals-to-u-s/ &quot;Crime Drop in Venezuela Does Not Prove Trump’s Claim the Country Is Sending Criminals to U.S.&quot;], ''FactCheck.org'' (June 14, 2024)

* I think you believe [in God] more, because when you speak to experts, like my sons who are shooting experts. But when you speak to experts, they said there was no chance that he could have missed from that distance....&lt;br&gt;I think you think like, if you believe in God, you believe in God more. And somebody said like, why? And I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country. Our country is so sick and it’s so broken. Our country is just broken. And maybe that was the reason, I don’t know. I don’t know, a lot of people have said that.
** Speaking about assassination attempt on July 14, 2024, in interview on Fox News “Life, Liberty &amp; Levin”, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4858345-trump-id-like-to-think-that-god-thinks-that-im-going-to-straighten-out-our-country/ &quot;Trump: ‘I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country’&quot;], ''The Hill'' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RbQ2Gb2AG4 YouTube interview] (September 1, 2024)

*You just cannot let them have a nuclear weapon. But I will say this: If they do have a nuclear weapon, Israel is gone.
** [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202409014919 &quot;Trump says if Iran gets a nuke, 'Israel will be gone'&quot;], ''Iran International'' (September 1, 2024)

* Whoever heard you get indicted for interfering with a presidential election where you have every right to do it?
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-had-every-right-interfere-2020-election-2024-09-02/ &quot;Trump says he had 'every right' to interfere in 2020 election&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 2, 2024)

* You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together and it’s like, and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’ But the fake news, you know what they say? ‘He rambled.’
** [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/critics-call-hilarious-bs-donald-094722633.html &quot;Critics Call Hilarious BS On Donald Trump's New Brag About His Speeches&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (September 2, 2024)

* [About Project 2025:] I know nothing about it, and they know that, too. Democrats know that, and I purposely haven't read it because I want to say to you I don't, I have no idea what it's all about.&lt;br&gt;It's easier than saying I read it and you know, all of the things. No, I purposely haven't read it, and I've heard about it.&lt;br&gt;I've heard about things that are in there that I don't like, and there's some things in there that everybody would like, but there are things that I don't like at all.
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-project-2025-2669122309/ &quot;Trump says ‘purposefully’ hasn’t read Project 2025 — but everybody would like parts of it&quot;], ''RawStory'' (September 3, 2024)

*But I’ve done well with debates. I became president, and then the second time I got millions more votes than I got the first time. I was told if I got 63 million … you would win. You can’t not win. And I got millions of more votes than that and lost by a whisker but— and look at what happened with the world.
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lex-fridman-podcast-interview-b2606533.html Trump admits he lost 2020 election ‘by a whisker’ during Lex Fridman podcast], ''Independent'' (September 3, 2024) &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCbfTN-caFI Donald Trump Interview - Lex Fridman Podcast #442]&quot; (at 10m51s), Lex Fridman, 3 September 2024.

* I am proud to represent our Failing Nation in fighting the GREATEST POLITICAL WITCH HUNT IN HISTORY.  REMOVE THE GAG ORDER SO THAT I CAN SHOW HOW CORRUPT OUR COURT SYSTEM IS. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOT TO BE GAGGED!
** Claimed about a court order to stop repeatedly intimidating witnesses and attacking family members of a judge in a felony court case, quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/i-am-proud-to-represent-our-failing-nation-trump-melts-down-in-early-morning-court-rant/ar-AA1pZ1jo &quot;'I am proud to represent our failing nation': Trump melts down in early morning court rant&quot;], ''MSN / Raw Story'' (September 4, 2024)

*I’ve been preparing all my life for this debate.
**Referring to his upcoming September 10th debate with Kamala Harris, in [https://www.wbtw.com/news/washington-dc-news/harris-and-trump-court-voters-ahead-of-first-debate/ Harris and Trump court voters ahead of first debate], ''News13 WBTW'' (September 4, 2024)

* [Asked about what specific legislation Trump would advance to make child care affordable:] Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down, and I was, somebody, we had Senator Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that, because, look, child care is child care is. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it. In this country you have to have it.  But when you talk about those numbers compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to — but they’ll get used to it very quickly – and it’s not gonna stop them from doing business with us, but they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country. Those numbers are so much bigger than any numbers that we’re talking about, including child care, that it’s going to take care.  We’re gonna have — I, I look forward to having no deficits within a fairly short period of time, coupled with the reductions that I told you about on waste and fraud and all of the other things that are going on in our country, because I have to stay with child care. I want to stay with child care, but those numbers are small relative to the kind of economic numbers that I’m talking about, including growth, but growth also headed up by what the plan is that I just, that I just told you about.  We’re gonna be taking in trillions of dollars, and as much as child care is talked about as being expensive, it’s relatively speaking not very expensive compared to the kind of numbers we’ll be taking in. We’re going to make this into an incredible country that can afford to take care of its people, and then we’ll worry about the rest of the world. Let’s help other people. But we’re going to take care of our country first. This is about America first. It’s about Make America Great Again. We have to do it because right now we’re a failing nation, so we’ll take care of it.
** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-childcare-economy-speech-b2607970.html &quot;Trump tried to explain how he plans to make childcare more affordable. It was a word salad&quot;], ''Independent'' (September 6, 2024)&lt;!--Quoted by several other sources, such as ''All In with Chris Hayes'', https://www.rawstory.com/trump-decline/, see video here: https://www.c-span.org/video/?538141-1/fmr-pres-trump-remarks-economic-club-york--&gt;

* But the transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. And you know, many of these childs [sic] 15 years later say, 'What the hell happened? Who did this to me?' They say, 'Who did this to me?' It's incredible.
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-schools-transgender-surgeries/ &quot;Trump's Claim That Children Received Gender-Affirming Surgeries at School Is False&quot;], ''Snopes'' (September 5, 2024)

* As the first order of business, this commission will develop an action plan to totally eliminate fraud and improper payments within six months, saving trillions of dollars
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/06/technology/elon-musk-donald-trump-influence.html How Elon Musk Is Influencing Donald Trump], ''New York Times'' (September 6, 2024)

* [On the likelihood of him sexually abusing a woman in 1979:] She said I was making out with her and then I grabbed her in a certain part. Think of the impracticality of this. I'm famous in a plane, people are coming into the plane and I grab a woman - what are the chances of that happening? Frankly, I know you're going to say it's a terrible thing to say but it couldn't have happened, it didn't happen because she would not have been the chosen one.
**[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/147957/donald-trump-e-jean-carroll-court-appeal Trump declares E. Jean Carroll 'not the chosen one' in bizarre rant following court appeal], ''Daily Express US'' [https://youtube.com/watch?v=mFdzWJXPYbo Trump mocks his sexual assault accuser: ‘She would not have been the chosen one’], MSNBC YouTube (September 6, 2024)

*I am the Peace President, and only I will stop World War III!
**[https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-loses-it-on-the-cheneys-after-they-endorse-harris-irrelevant-rino-along-with-his-daughter/ Trump Loses It on the Cheneys After They Endorse Harris: ‘Irrelevant RINO, Along with His Daughter!’] ''Mediaite'' [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113093196894480530] (September 6, 2024)

* I better win, I better win, or you're going to have problems like we've never had.  We may have no country left. It may be our last election.
** [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-claims-israel-gone-two-years-harris-elected-president-video &quot;Trump claims Israel will be 'gone' within two years if Harris is elected president: video&quot;], ''Fox News'' (September 7, 2024)

*WHEN I WIN, those people that CHEATED will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Law, which will include long term prison sentences so that this Depravity of Justice does not happen again.&lt;br&gt;Please beware that this legal exposure extends to Lawyers, Political Operatives, Donors, Illegal Voters, &amp; Corrupt Election Officials. Those involved in unscrupulous behavior will be sought out, caught, and prosecuted at levels, unfortunately, never seen before in our Country.
**[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trump-threatens-long-prison-sentences-for-those-who-cheat-in-the-election-if-he-wins Trump threatens long prison sentences for those who ‘cheat’ in the election if he wins], ''PBS News'' (September 8, 2024)

*The moment we win, we will rapidly review the cases of every political prisoner unjustly victimized by the Harris regime, and I will sign their pardons on day one. With your vote this election, their lying, cheating, thieving, hoaxing, and plotting will come to an end. We got to stop the cheating. If we stop that cheating, if we don't let them cheat, I don't even have to campaign anymore. We're going to win by so much.
**At a rally in Wisconsin on Saturday, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cnc/date/2024-09-09/segment/07 CNN News Central Transcripts] (September 9, 2024)

* Can you imagine you’re a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, ‘Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school’ and your son comes back with a brutal operation.  Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country?
** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-falsely-claims-children-being-195728811.html &quot;Trump falsely claims children being forced into gender transition ops at school in rambling fantasy-filled rally speech&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (September 9, 2024)

* I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/trump-says-i-hate-taylor-swift-after-pop-star-endorses-kamala-harris.html &quot;Trump says ‘I hate Taylor Swift’ after pop star endorses Kamala Harris&quot;], ''CNBC'' (September  15, 2024)

* Latin music superstar Nicky Jam. Do you know Nicky? She’s hot. 
** Claimed about the singer after he endorsed Trump, quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/music/2024/09/15/donald-trump-nicky-jam-las-vegas-rally/75237185007/ &quot;Donald Trump misgenders reggaeton star Nicky Jam at rally: 'She's hot'&quot;], ''USA Today'' (September 16, 2024)

*We have to call it Covid. What the hell does Covid mean. The China virus. A lot of people think they did that because they were not happy with me as president.
**[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/148953/trump Trump pushes theory that 'China created Covid-19 because they didn't like his presidency'] (September 17, 2024)

*I don't know what happened. With the bomb threats. I know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants, and that's a terrible thing that happened. Springfield was this beautiful town, and now they're going through hell.
**[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/how-life-in-springfield-has-been-disrupted-by-lies-about-its-haitian-community How life in Springfield has been disrupted by lies about its Haitian community], ''PBS News'' (17 September, 2024)

* Nobody can draw crowds like me... I’m the greatest of all time.  Maybe greater even than Elvis. Elvis had a guitar, I don’t have a guitar. I don’t have the privilege of a guitar.
** [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/donald-trump-boasts-he-is-greater-than-elvis/ar-AA1qPeXs &quot;Donald Trump boasts he is ‘greater than Elvis’&quot;], ''MSN'' (September 19, 2024)

*She doesn’t like doing interviews. And she’s not knowledgeable about economy and various things, and I think it would be a problem. But you know what? [Biden] was pretty much gone. They said, 'Joe, it’s over. You're getting out.' And they put her in, and she somehow — a woman — somehow she's doing better than he did. But I can't imagine it can last.
**During an appearance on Fox News’ ''Gutfeld!'', [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-seemed-surprised-kamala-200648284.html Donald Trump Just Made An Eyebrow-Raising Observation About Kamala Harris], ''Yahoo News'' (September 19, 2024)

* This is Martin Luther King on steroids.  I told that to Mark. I said, 'I think you're better than Martin Luther King. I think you are Martin Luther King times two.'
** Said about candidate for North Carolina governor [[Mark Robinson (American politician)|Mark Robinson]], quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/robinson-expected-attend-trumps-north-carolina-rally-amid/story?id=113873656 &quot;Robinson not expected to attend Trump's North Carolina rally amid scandal: Sources&quot;], ''ABC News'' (September 21, 2024)

* Anybody that thinks crime is going down is a serious brain problem.
** [https://www.scrippsnews.com/us-news/crime/murder-other-violent-crime-rates-dropped-across-us-last-year-new-fbi-data-shows &quot;Murder, other violent crime rates dropped across US last year, new FBI data shows&quot;], ''Scripps News'' (September 23, 2024)

* She had the other interview with the other guy who was a nice guy I think from Philadelphia from Pennsylvania, he was a nice guy, he was asking her all these (scrambles words) – the daily take – they don’t take like I do! Anybody wants to go, go what the hell differences they make – they have – and how dishonest was ABC.
* I'm cognitively very strong.
** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-teased-over-rambling-word-120404261.html &quot;Trump teased over rambling ‘word salad’ at rally as he insists he is 'cognitively very strong'&quot;], ''Yahoo News / The Independent'' (September 24, 2024)

* If any senior doesn't vote for Trump, we're gonna have to send you to a psychiatrist to have your head examined.
** [https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-tells-another-group-of-voters-to-have-your-head-examined/ &quot;Trump Tells ANOTHER Group of Voters to 'Have Your Head Examined'&quot;], ''Mediaite'' (September 25, 2024)

*If I were the president, I would inform the threatening country, in this case, Iran, that if you do anything to harm this person, we are going to blow your largest cities and the country itself to smithereens. We're going to blow it to smithereens. There would be no more threats.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/International/trump-lashes-iran-security-officials-warn-rise-foreign/story?id=114086967 &quot;Trump suggests Iran tied to assassination attempts, issues blunt warning&quot;], ''ABC News'' (September 26, 2024)

*It has been determined that Google has illegally used a system of only revealing and displaying bad stories about Donald J Trump, some made up for this purpose while, at the same time, only revealing good stories about Comrade Kamala Harris. This is an ILLEGAL ACTIVITY, and hopefully the Justice Department will criminally prosecute them for this blatant Interference of Elections. If not, and subject to the Laws of our Country, I will request their prosecution, when I win the Election and become President of the United States.
**From a post on ''Truth Social'', cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/sep/27/trump-google-threat-criminal-charges Trump vows to seek criminal charges against Google if re-elected president], ''The Guardian'' (September 28, 2024)
*Crooked Joe Biden became mentally impaired, Sad. But lying Kamala Harris, honestly, I believe she was born that way. There’s something wrong with Kamala. And I just don’t know what it is but there is definitely something missing. And you know what, everybody knows it.
**[https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-there-s-something-wrong-with-harris-and-that-she-s-mentally-impaired-1.7056321 ]

====1st Debate with Kamala Harris (September 10, 2024)====

*&lt;i&gt;in response to Kamala Harris bringing up Project 2025:&lt;/I&gt;&lt;Br&gt;…she knows better than anyone, I have nothing to do with Project 2025. That's out there. I haven't read it. I don't want to read it, purposely. I'm not going to read it. This was a group of people that got together, they came up with some ideas. I guess some good, some bad. But it makes no difference. I have nothing to do -- everybody knows I'm an open book. Everybody knows what I'm going to do. Cut taxes very substantially. And create a great economy like I did before.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;regarding inflation during the Biden presidency:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;I had no inflation,&lt;/b&gt; virtually no inflation, they had the highest inflation, perhaps in the history of our country because I've never seen a worse period of time. &lt;b&gt;People can't go out and buy cereal bacon or eggs or anything else.&lt;/b&gt; These the people of our country are absolutely dying with what they've done. They've destroyed the economy and all you have to do it look at a poll. The polls say 80 and 85 and even 90% that the Trump economy was great that their economy was terrible.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*We hardly make chips anymore because of philosophies like they have and policies like they have. I don't say her because she has no policy. Everything that she believed three years ago and four years ago is out the window. She's going to my philosophy now. In fact, I was going to send her a MAGA hat. She's gone to my philosophy. But if she ever got elected, she'd change it. And it will be the end of our country. &lt;b&gt;She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But when you look at what she's done to our country and when you look at these &lt;b&gt;millions and millions of people that are pouring into our country monthly&lt;/b&gt; where it's I believe 21 million people, not the 15 that people say, and I think it's a lot higher than the 21. That's bigger than New York state. Pouring in. And just look at what they're doing to our country. They're criminals. Many of these people coming in are criminals. And that's bad for our economy too.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: …Vice President Harris says that women shouldn't trust you on the issue of abortion because you've changed your position so many times. Therefore, why should they trust you?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, the reason I'm doing that vote [voting “no” on the Florida abortion ban] is because the plan is, as you know, the vote is, they have abortion in the ninth month. They even have, and you can look at the governor of West Virginia, the previous governor of West Virginia, not the current governor, who's doing an excellent job, but the governor before. He said the baby will be born and we will decide what to do with the baby. In other words, we'll execute the baby.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But her vice presidential pick [Tim Walz] says abortion in the ninth month is absolutely fine. &lt;b&gt;He also says execution after birth, it's execution, no longer abortion, because the baby is born, is okay.&lt;/b&gt; And that's not okay with me. Hence the vote. But what I did is something for 52 years they've been trying to get Roe v. Wade into the states.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And now states are voting on it. And for the first time you're going to see -- look, this is an issue that's torn our country apart for 52 years. Every legal scholar, every Democrat, every Republican, liberal, conservative, they all wanted this issue to be brought back to the states where the people could vote. And that's what happened, happened.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …But understand, if Donald Trump were to be re-elected, he will sign a national abortion ban….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I’m not signing a ban. And there's no reason to sign a ban. Because we've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans and everybody else and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states. And the states are voting. And it may take a little time, but for 52 years this issue has torn our country apart. And they've wanted it back in the states. And I did something that nobody thought was possible. The states are now voting. What she says is an absolute lie. And as far as the abortion ban, no, I'm not in favor of abortion ban. But it doesn't matter because this issue has now been taken over by the states.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …You will see during the course of his rallies he talks about fictional characters like Hannibal Lecter. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;First let me respond as to the rallies. She said people start leaving. &lt;b&gt;People don't go to her rallies.&lt;/b&gt; There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, &lt;b&gt;she's busing them in and paying them to be there.&lt;/b&gt; And then showing them in a different light. So, she can't talk about that. People don't leave my rallies. &lt;b&gt;We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.&lt;/b&gt; That's because people want to take their country back. Our country is being lost. &lt;b&gt;We're a failing nation.  And it happened three and a half years ago.&lt;/b&gt; And what, what's going on here, &lt;b&gt;you're going to end up in World War 3,&lt;/b&gt; just to go into another subject. What they have done to our country by allowing these millions and millions of people to come into our country. And look at what's happening to the towns all over the United States. And a lot of towns don't want to talk -- not going to be Aurora or Springfield. A lot of towns don't want to talk about it because they're so embarrassed by it. &lt;b&gt;In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating -- they're eating the pets of the people that live there.&lt;/b&gt; And this is what's happening in our country. And it's a shame….&lt;br&gt;&lt;I&gt;DAVID MUIR: I just want to clarify here, you bring up Springfield, Ohio. And ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there have been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community --&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;Well, I've seen people on television&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Let me just say here this ...&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.&lt;/b&gt; So maybe he said that and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: I'm not taking this from television. I'm taking it from the city manager.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;*&lt;b&gt;We'll find out.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But just to finish, I got more votes than any Republican in history by far. In fact, I got more votes than any president, sitting president in history by far.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: You also said you would use local police. How would you deport 11 million undocumented immigrants? I know you believe that number is much higher….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt; Yeah. It is much higher because of them. They allowed criminals. Many, many, millions of criminals. They allowed terrorists. They allowed common street criminals. They allowed people to come in, drug dealers, to come into our country, and they're now in the United States. And told by their countries like Venezuela don't ever come back or we're going to kill you. Do you know that crime in Venezuela and crime in countries all over the world is way down? You know why? Because they've taken their criminals off the street and they've given them to her to put into our country. And this will be one of the greatest mistakes in history for them to allow -- and I think they probably did it because they think they're going to get votes. But it's not worth it. Because they're destroying the fabric of our country by what they've done. There's never been anything done like this at all. They've destroyed the fabric of our country. Millions of people let in. And all over the world crime is down. All over the world except here. Crime here is up and through the roof. Despite their fraudulent statements that they made. Crime in this country is through the roof. And we have a new form of crime. It's called migrant crime. And it's happening at levels that nobody thought possible.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: President Trump, as you know, the FBI says overall violent crime is actually coming down in this country, but Vice President the...&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Excuse me, the FBI -- they were defrauding statements. They didn't include the worst cities. They didn't include the cities with the worst crime. It was a fraud. Just like their number of 818,000 jobs that they said they created turned out to be a fraud.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Responding to Harris listing the criminal cases against Trump:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Excuse me. Every one of those cases was started by them against their political opponent. And I'm winning most of them and I'll win the rest on appeal. And you saw that with the decision that came down just recently from the Supreme Court. I'm winning most of them. But those are cases, it's called weaponization. Never happened in this country. They weaponized the justice department. Every one of those cases was involved with the DOJ, from Atlanta and Fani Willis -- to the attorney general of New York and the D.A. In New York. Every one of those cases. And then they say oh, he was -- he's a criminal. They're the ones that made them go after me. By the way, Joe Biden was found essentially guilty on the documents case. And what happened in my documents case? They said oh, that's the toughest of them all. A complete and total victory. Two months ago it was thrown out. It's weaponization. And they used it. And it's never happened in this country. They used it to try and win an election. They're fake cases….&lt;br&gt;…This is the one that weaponized. Not me. She weaponized. I probably took a bullet to the head because of the things that they say about me. They talk about democracy. I'm a threat to democracy. They're the threat to democracy – With the fake Russia Russia Russia investigation that went nowhere.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Responding to Harris‘ statement that he inherited $400 million:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, first of all, I wasn't given $400 million. I wish I was. My father was a Brooklyn builder. Brooklyn, Queens. And a great father and I learned a lot from him. But I was given a fraction of that, a tiny fraction, and I built it into many, many billions of dollars. Many, many billions. And when people see it, they are even surprised. So, we don't have to talk about that.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She went out -- she went out in Minnesota and wanted to let criminals that killed people, that burned down Minneapolis, she went out and raised money to get them out of jail. She did things that nobody would ever think of. Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison. This is a radical left liberal that would do this. She wants to confiscate your guns and she will never allow fracking in Pennsylvania. If she won the election, fracking in Pennsylvania will end on day one.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*Because &lt;b&gt;the prices of energy were quadrupling and doubling.&lt;/b&gt; You saw what happened to gasoline. So, they said let’s go back to Trump. But if she won the election, the day after that election, they’ll go back to destroying our country and oil will be dead, fossil fuel will be dead. We’ll go back to windmills and we’ll go back to solar, where they need a whole desert to get some energy to come out. You ever see a solar plant? By the way, I’m a big fan of solar. But they take 400, 500 acres of desert soil— These are not good things for the environment that she understands.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: You were the president. You were watching [the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol] unfold on television. It’s a very simple question as we move forward toward another election. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? Yes or no.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/i&gt;I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. I said, I think it’s going to be big. I went to Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington, D.C. And the mayor put it back in writing, as you know. I said, you know, this is going to be a very big rally or whatever you want to call it. And again, it wasn’t done by me. It was done by others. I said I’d like to give you 10,000 National Guard or soldiers. They rejected me. Nancy Pelosi rejected me. It was just two weeks ago, her daughter has a tape of her saying she is fully responsible for what happened. They want to get rid of that tape. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. &lt;b&gt;I wasn’t responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn’t do her job.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Are you now acknowledging that you lost in 2020?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;No, I don’t acknowledge that at all.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: But you did say that.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I said that sarcastically. You know that. It was said, oh we lost by a whisker. That was said sarcastically. Look, there’s so much proof. All you have to do is look at it. And they should have sent it back to the legislatures for approval. I got almost 75 million votes. The most votes any sitting president has ever gotten. I was told if I got 63, which was what I got in 2016, you can’t be beaten. The election, people should never be thinking about an election as fraudulent. We need two things. We need walls. We need — and we have to have it. We have to have borders. And we have to have good elections.&lt;br&gt;Our elections are bad. And a lot of these illegal immigrants coming in, they’re trying to get them to vote. They can’t even speak English. They don’t even know what country they’re in practically. And these people are trying to get them to vote. And that’s why they’re allowing them to come into our country.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: And [many judges] said there was no widespread [election] fraud.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt; No judge looked at it. They said we didn’t have standing. That’s the other thing. They said we didn’t have standing. A technicality. Can you imagine a system where a person in an election doesn’t have standing, the President of the United States doesn’t have standing? That’s how we lost. If you look at the facts, and I’d love to have you — you’ll do a special on it. I’ll show you Georgia and I’ll show you Wisconsin and I’ll show you Pennsylvania and I’ll show you — we have so many facts and statistics. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. Because we have to solve the problem that we have right now. That’s old news. And the problem that we have right now is we have a nation in decline and they have put it into decline. We have a nation that is dying, David
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …And world leaders are laughing at Donald Trump. I have talked with military leaders, some of whom worked with you. And they say you’re a disgrace….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: I’ll give you one minute to respond, Mr. President.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Let me just tell you about world leaders. Viktor Orban, one of the most respected men — they call him a strong man. He’s a tough person. Smart. Prime Minister of Hungary. They said why is the whole world blowing up? Three years ago it wasn’t. Why is it blowing up? He said because you need Trump back as president. They were afraid of him. China was afraid. And I don’t like to use the word afraid but I’m just quoting him. China was afraid of him. North Korea was afraid of him. Look at what’s going on with North Korea, by the way. He said Russia was afraid of him….&lt;br&gt;Look, Viktor Orban said it. He said the most respected, most feared person is Donald Trump. We had no problems when Trump was president. But when this weak pathetic man that you saw at a debate just a few months ago that if he weren’t in that debate he’d be running instead of her, she got no votes, he got 14 million votes, what you did, you talk about a threat to democracy. He got 14 million votes [in the primaries] and they threw him out of office. And you know what? I’ll give you a little secret. He hates her. He can’t stand her…. But he had 14 million votes. They threw them out. She got zero votes. And when she ran, she was the first one to leave because she failed. And now she’s running. I don’t understand it but I’m okay with it – because I think we’re going to do pretty well.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: President Trump, how would you negotiate with Netanyahu and also Hamas in order to get the hostages out and prevent the killing of more innocent civilians in Gaza?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;If I were president it would have never started. If I were president Russia would have never, ever -- I know Putin very well. He would have never -- and there was no threat of it either, by the way, for four years. Have gone into Ukraine and killed millions of people when you add it up.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She hates Israel. &lt;b&gt;If she's president, I believe that Israel will not exist within two years from now. And I've been pretty good at predictions.&lt;/b&gt; And I hope I'm wrong about that one. She hates Israel. At the same time in her own way she hates the Arab population because the whole place is going to get blown up, Arabs, Jewish people, Israel. Israel will be gone. It would have never happened. Iran was broke under Donald Trump. Now Iran has $300 billion because they took off all the sanctions that I had. Iran had no money for Hamas or Hezbollah or any of the 28 different spheres of terror. 
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And I'll get the war with Ukraine and Russia ended. If I'm President-Elect, I'll get it done before even becoming president.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …It is well known that he said of Putin that he can do whatever the hell he wants and go into Ukraine. It is well known when that he said when Russia went into Ukraine it was brilliant….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're the ones -- and she's the one that caused it, that's weak on national security by allowing every nation last month for the year, 168 different countries sending people into our country. Their crime rates are way down. Putin endorsed her last week. Said I hope she wins. And I think he meant it. Because what he's gotten away with is absolutely incredible. It wouldn't have happened with me.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: …You have said you would solve this war [in Ukraine] in 24 hours. How exactly would you do that? And I want to ask you a very simple question tonight. Do you want Ukraine to win this war?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I want to get the war settled. I know Zelenskyy very well and I know Putin very well. I have a good relationship. And they respect your president. Okay? They respect me. They don't respect Biden….&lt;br&gt;If I win, when I'm President-Elect, and what I'll do is I'll speak to one, I'll speak to the other, I'll get them together. That war would have never happened. And in fact when I saw Putin after I left, unfortunately left because our country has gone to hell, but after I left when I saw him building up soldiers, he did it after I left, I said oh, he must be negotiating. It must be a good strong point of negotiation. Well, it wasn't because Biden had no idea how to talk to him. He had no idea how to stop it. And now you have millions of people dead and it's only getting worse and it could lead to World War 3. Don't kid yourself, David. We're playing with World War 3. 
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And we have a president that we don't even know if he's -- where is our president? We don't even know if he's a president.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: And just to clarify here.&lt;/I&gt;&lt;br&gt;They threw him out of a campaign like a dog. We don't even know, is he our president? But we have a president…&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Mr. President,--&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;…that doesn't know he's alive.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …If Donald Trump were president, Putin would be sitting in Kyiv right now….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Putin would be sitting in Moscow and he wouldn't have lost 300,000 men and women. But he would have been sitting in Moscow… But eventually, you know, he's got a thing that other people don't have. &lt;b&gt;He's got nuclear weapons. They don't ever talk about that. He's got nuclear weapons. Nobody ever thinks about that.&lt;/b&gt; And eventually uh maybe he'll use them. Maybe he hasn't been that threatening. But he does have that. Something we don't even like to talk about.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And that's the kind of talent we have with her. She's worse than Biden. In my opinion, I think he's the worst president in the history of our country. She goes down as the worst vice president in the history of our country. But let me tell you something. She is a horrible negotiator. They sent her in to negotiate. As soon as they left Putin did the invasion.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: [Regarding a peace deal Trump negotiated to end the Afghan War:] He bypassed the Afghan government. He negotiated directly with a terrorist organization called the Taliban. The negotiation involved the Taliban getting 5,000 terrorists, Taliban terrorists released.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;So if you take a look at that period of time, the Taliban was killing our soldiers, a lot of them, with snipers. And I got involved with the Taliban because the Taliban was doing the killing. That's the fighting force within Afghanistan. They don't bother doing that because you know, they deal with the wrong people all the time. But I got involved. And Abdul is the head of the Taliban. He is still the head of the Taliban. And I told Abdul don't do it anymore, you do it anymore you're going to have problems. And he said why do you send me a picture of my house? I said you're going to have to figure that out, Abdul. And for 18 months we had nobody killed. We did have an agreement negotiated by Mike Pompeo. It was a very good agreement. The reason it was good, it was -- we were getting out. We would have been out faster than them, but we wouldn't have lost the soldiers. We wouldn't have left many Americans behind. And we wouldn't have left -- we wouldn't have left $85 billion worth of brand new beautiful military equipment behind. And just to finish, they blew it. The agreement said you have to do this, this, this, this, this, and they didn't do it. They didn't do it. The agreement was, was terminated by us because they didn't do what they were supposed to do.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: …Why do you believe it's appropriate to weigh in on the racial identity of your opponent?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I don't. And I don't care. I don't care what she is. I don't care. You make a big deal out of something. I couldn't care less. Whatever she wants to be is okay with me.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: But those were your words. So, I'm asking --&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I don't know. I don't know. All I can say is I read where she was not Black, that she put out. And, I'll say that. And then I read that she was black. And that's okay. Either one was okay with me. That's up to her. That's up to her.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …Let's remember, this is the same individual who took out a full-page ad in The New York Times calling for the execution of five young Black and Latino boys who were innocent, the Central Park Five. Took out a full-page ad calling for their execution….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;This is the most divisive presidency in the history of our country. There's never been anything like it. They're destroying our country. And they come up with things like what she just said going back many, many years when a lot of people including Mayor Bloomberg agreed with me on the Central Park Five. They admitted -- they said, they pled guilty. And I said, well, if they pled guilty they badly hurt a person, killed a person ultimately. And if they pled guilty -- then they pled we're not guilty.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;b&gt;I built one of the greatest economies in the history of the world and I'm going to build it again.&lt;/b&gt; It's going to be bigger, better and stronger. But they're destroying our economy. They have no idea what a good economy is. Their oil policies -- every single policy -- and remember this. She is Biden. She's trying to get away from Biden. I don't know the gentleman, she says. She is Biden. The worst inflation we've ever had. A horrible economy because inflation has made it so bad and she can't get away with that.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She is destroying our country. She has a plan to defund the police. She has a plan to confiscate everybody's gun. She has a plan to not allow fracking in Pennsylvania or anywhere else. That's what her plan is until just recently.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: …So tonight, nine years after you first started running, do you have a [healthcare] plan and can you tell us what it is?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Obamacare was lousy health care. Always was. It's not very good today. And what I said, that if we come up with something, we are working on things, we're going to do it and we're going to replace it…. And what we will do is we're looking at different plans. If we can come up with a plan that's going to cost our people, our population less money and be better health care than Obamacare, then I would absolutely do it. But until then I'd run it as good as it can be run.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I have concepts of a plan. I'm not president right now. But if we come up with something I would only change it if we come up with something better and less expensive. And there are concepts and options we have to do that. And you'll be hearing about it in the not-too-distant future.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Closing Statement:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;…We're a failing nation. We're a nation that's in serious decline. We're being laughed at all over the world. All over the world, they laugh, I know the leaders very well. They're coming to see me. They call me. We're laughed at all over the world. They don't understand what happened to us as a nation. We're not a leader. We don't have any idea what's going on. We have wars going on in the Middle East. We have wars going on with Russia and Ukraine. We're going to end up in a third World War. And it will be a war like no other because of nuclear weapons, the power of weaponry. I rebuilt our entire military. She gave a lot of it away to the Taliban. She gave it to Afghanistan. What these people have done to our country, and maybe toughest of all is allowing millions of people to come into our country, many of them are criminals, and they're destroying our country. The worst president, the worst vice president in the history of our country.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*It was 3 on 1, but they were mentally challenged people, against one person of extraordinary genius.
**[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/abc-fake-news-trump-rages-network-under-investigation-after-debate-3-mentally-challenged-people-on-1-extraordinary-genius/ ]

*They didn't correct her [Harris] once and they corrected me. Everything I said, practically, I think 9 times or 11 times. And the audience was absolutely, they went crazy. And the real, I thought, I walked off and I said, 'that was a great debate, I loved it.'
**Regarding the debate audience (which there wasn‘t one), [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-praises-nonexistent-debate-crowd-they-went-crazy-1956251 Donald Trump's Debate Crowd Comment Sparks Confusion: 'They Went Crazy'], ''Newsweek'' (September 19, 2024)

==== October 2024 ====
* We do a lot of these beautiful rallies, and it's so great.  We never have an empty seat, never have. Look at it.
** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rally-videos-empty-seats-1966810 &quot;Donald Trump Rally Videos Show Hundreds of Empty Seats&quot;], ''Newsweek'' (October 10, 2024)

*We have two enemies: We have the outside enemy, and then we have the enemy from within. And the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than China, Russia and all these countries… But the thing that's tougher to handle are these lunatics that we have inside, like Adam Schiff — Adam 'Shifty' Schiff… I call him the enemy from within. When you look at the danger he put our country in potentially with Russia — with a phony, made-up deal that he made up with Hillary and some bad people.
** [https://www.foxnews.com/media/former-president-trump-calls-enemy-within-more-dangerous-any-foreign-entity Former President Trump calls the 'enemy from within' more dangerous than any foreign entity] ''FoxNews'' (October 13, 2024)

*So we’re gonna take care of it, you and me. I’ll tell you, if everything works out and everybody gets out on January 5th, or before. You know, it used to be, you’d have a date. Today, you can vote two months before, probably three months after. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. But we’re gonna straighten it all out. We’re gonna straighten that out, too. We’re gonna straighten out our election process, too. That’s gotta be important also.
**[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/whoops-trump-tells-supporters-to-get-out-and-vote-on-january-5th/ Whoops! Trump Tells Supporters to Get Out and Vote on ‘January 5th’] ''Mediaite'' (October 14, 2024)

*Let’s not do any more questions. Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music. Who the hell wants to hear questions, right?
**[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ar-AA1sha0E Trump sways and bops to music for 39 minutes in bizarre town hall episode] ''The Washington Post'' (October 14, 2024)

* I’m the father of IVF.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/16/politics/fact-check-trump-false-claims-fox-townhall/index.html &quot;Fact check: Trump makes at least 19 false claims in one-hour Fox town hall with women&quot;], ''CNN'' (October 16, 2024)

* [[w:Ashli Babbitt | Ashli Babbitt]] was killed, nobody was killed.
** Claimed about the [[2021 United States Capitol attack| January 6, 2020 United States Capitol attack]].  Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-univision-town-hall-hispanic-voters-audience-reaction-1970402 &quot;Univision Audience Reaction to Donald Trump Answer in Town Hall Goes Viral&quot;], ''Newsweek'' (October 17, 2024)

*Very importantly, you had hundreds of thousands of people come to Washington [on January 6th]. They didn’t come because of me. They came because of the election. They thought the election was a rigged election and that’s why they came. Some of those people went down to the Capitol, I said, peacefully and patriotically, nothing done wrong at all. Nothing done wrong. And action was taken, strong action. Ashli Babbitt was killed. Nobody was killed. There were no guns down there. We didn’t have guns. The others had guns, but we didn’t have guns. And when I say “we” these are people that walk down, this was a tiny percentage of the overall, which nobody sees and nobody shows.&lt;br&gt;But that was a day of love from the standpoint of the millions, it’s like hundreds of thousands. It could have been the largest group I’ve ever spoken before. They asked me to speak. I went and I spoke and I used the term peacefully and patriotically. If you look at the Democrats, what they say, you look at Maxine Waters, and you look at Hillary Clinton and you look at what they say and they don’t put that on. They only put Republicans on, but they couldn’t get me because of the fact that I said, everything’s got to be peaceful and patriotic and we’ll see how it all works out.
**In response to a question about why a voter should support Trump after his role on January 6th [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/trump-town-hall-on-univision Trump Town Hall on Univision] (October 17, 2024)

*Kamala should be investigated and forced off the Campaign, and Joe Biden allowed to take back his rightful place (He got 14 Million Primary Votes, she got none!). THIS WHOLE SORDID AND FRAUDULENT EVENT IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY!
**As it appeared on Truth Social, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-melts-down-in-wild-post-claiming-kamala-harris-should-be-investigated-and-biden-should-be-his-opponent-again/ Trump Melts Down In Wild Post Claiming Kamala Harris ‘Should Be Investigated’ And Biden Should Be His Opponent Again] Mediaite (October 17, 2024)
 
* If we go with Kamala, you won’t have any cows anymore.&lt;br&gt;They want to do things like no more cows and no windows in buildings.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4941581-trump-says-no-cows-under-harris/ &quot;Trump tells child there will be no cows under Harris&quot;], ''The Hill'' (October 18, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Howard Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; But when you said, you know, it's gone viral, they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats. But why not say now, well, look, that turned out not to be true.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; I don't know if it's true or not true.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; You don't know if it's true or not true. It's been debunked by the officials.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; What about the goose? The geese? They're all missing. It was one guy with two geese. I have no idea. I said something. The big problem is that you can't put 30,000 people into a 50,000-person town or city and expect this city to even survive or do well. What they've done to Springfield, Ohio, is very, very unfair. And I mean, there are a lot of stories. There are a lot of other stories that I've heard that are horrible stories... Don't don't, you know, blame me.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; Well, I think it's been debunked by local officials.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; I don't think it's been debunked at all. I think nobody talks about it except you.
*If radical left lunatics disrupt the election, it should be very easily handled by — if necessary, by National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military.
**Interview with Fox New host Howard Kurtz in [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-haitians-debunked/ 'It's been debunked': Fox News host fact checks Trump to his face on Springfield Haitians] ''RawStory'' (October 20, 2024) [https://whyy.org/articles/trump-election-2024-kamala-harris-elizabeth-cheney-threat-civil-liberties/ ]

*Comrade Kamala Harris sees that she is losing, and losing badly, especially after stealing the Race from Crooked Joe Biden, so now she is increasingly raising her rhetoric, going so far as to call me Adolf Hitler, and anything else that comes to her warped mind. She is a Threat to Democracy
**[https://nitter.poast.org/realDonaldTrump/status/1849272632237056163#m ]

*I NEED THE KIND OF GENERALS THAT HITLER HAD
**[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/10/trump-military-generals-hitler/680327/ ]
*When Kamala came in, she dismantled our border and threw open the gates to an invasion of criminal migrants. We're a dumping ground. We're like a garbage can for the world. That's what's happened. That's what's happened to our ... We're like a garbage can
**[https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-ripped-saying-america-garbage-can-1974727 ]

*He’d take all the candy away very quickly. She wouldn’t have any idea what happened. It would be like a grand chess master playing a beginner. We would lose our country or be in World War III,because she’d get exasperated. She’s in no way able to handle him. He’s a fierce individual.
**[https://nypost.com/2024/10/24/us-news/trump-says-iranian-regime-wouldnt-have-to-end-if-he-were-president-suggests-peace-could-be-close/?utm_source=twitter&amp;utm_medium=social&amp;utm_campaign=nypost ]
*Now we have income taxes, and we have people that are dying. They're paying tax, and they don't have the money to pay the tax. In the old days … we had so much money, they had to set up committees, blue-ribbon committees, [on] how to spend our wealth. We had no idea how to spend it with so much money. Then we went to the income tax system and the rest is sort of history. But no, there is a way
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people ]
{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* These people should be executed. They are scumbags.
** About whistleblowers and journalists. Attributed by [[John Bolton]] in ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon &amp; Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT290 p. 290] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}}

*Do you still like having sex with your wife? How often? You must have had a better fuck than your wife? Tell me about it. I have girls coming in from [[Los Angeles]] at three o'clock. We can go upstairs and have a great time. I promise.
**Reported by Michael Wolff in [http://web.archive.org/web/20180107223847if_/https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpgpeyVMAAMcS1.jpg ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House''] (5 January 2018)

* I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.
** Reported as being the words of President Trump recorded in a memo that [[James Comey]], FBI Director at the time, wrote shortly after a meeting held in the Oval Office on 14 February 2017, referring to the federal investigation into links to the Russian government of national security adviser, [[Michael T. Flynn]], who had resigned the day before. In a statement, the White House has denied the version of events in the memo. — [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/16/us/politics/james-comey-trump-flynn-russia-investigation.html New York Times (16 May 2017)]
** Comey confirmed under oath his account of Trump's words while [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/08/us/politics/senate-hearing-transcript.html appearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee] (8 June 2017)
** When asked about Comey's testimony during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hplM_DYp-Vk press conference on 9 June 2017], Trump said, &quot;I didn't say that. I will tell you I didn't say that. And there'd be nothing wrong if I did say it according to everybody that I've read today, but I did not say that.&quot;

* Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?
** Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/368576-trump-rips-protections-for-immigrants-from-shithole-countries-in &quot;Trump criticized immigration from 's---hole' countries: report&quot;] (11 January 2018), by Avery Anapol, ''The Hill''. Variant: &quot;Why do we want all these people from shithole countries coming here?&quot; As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/11/politics/trump-rock-bottom/index.html Trump's 'shithole' comment is his new rock bottom], ''CNN'', 12 January 2018. Trump denied making this comment.
*** &quot;The language used by me at the DACA meeting was tough, but this was not the language used.&quot; [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951793123985973248 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018)

*Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They're shithole countries ... We should have more people from Norway.
**[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-immigration-norway/thanks-but-no-thanks-norwegians-reject-trumps-immigration-offer-idUSKBN1F11QK 12 January 2018, per Reuters' source]

*Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out.
**Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-shthole-countries-response-from-haiti-africa-el-salvador/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab8a&amp;linkId=46885064 &quot;'Sh*thole countries' respond to Trump's rhetoric&quot;], ''CBS News''. Trump denied making this comment.
** &quot;Never said anything derogatory about Haitians other than Haiti is, obviously, a very poor and troubled country. Never said &quot;take them out.&quot; Made up by Dems. I have a wonderful relationship with Haitians. Probably should record future meetings - unfortunately, no trust!&quot; [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951813216291708928 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018)

*[B]lack people are too stupid to vote for me.
**As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language &quot;Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private&quot;] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. In a post-2018 midterm press conference, Trump denied making the comment and dismissed Cohen's claims: &quot;That's false&quot; — as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/president-trump-says-never-used-racist-remarks-195529076.html &quot;President Trump says he has 'never used racist remarks'&quot;] (7 November 2018), by Hunter Walker, ''Yahoo News''.

*Name one country run by a black person that's not a shithole... Name one city.
**As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language &quot;Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private&quot;] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. &quot;White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied those comments at the time.&quot;

*Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers .. suckers .. Who were the good guys in this war?
**[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/white-house-decision-cancel-veteran-s-cemetery-france-visit-creates-n934796 Saturday 10 November 2018] two hours before a scheduled 30-minute helicopter ride from Paris to the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery, the visit was cancelled with White House stating a rainy forecast made it too dangerous
**[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/ 3 September 2020] TheAtlantic.com writer [[Jeffrey Goldberg]] stated that &quot;four people with firsthand knowledge of the discussion that day&quot; (Goldberg did not provide any names) that &quot;Trump rejected the idea of the visit because he feared his hair would become disheveled in the rain, and because he did not believe it important to honor American war dead&quot;, and described the two-sentence quote above as part of &quot;a conversation with senior staff members on the morning of the scheduled visit&quot;.
***Goldberg also stated that during the trip (in a separate conversation) that Trump used the term &quot;suckers&quot; to collectively describe the 1800+ marines who died at Belleau Wood, but did not provide any surrounding words (the purported quote was the only word in quotation marks)
***the sentence about &quot;good guys&quot; Goldberg says was stated towards aides (not senior staff members)
****Goldberg did state a number regarding witness count of the other two statements, only for the &quot;losers&quot; one
**[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/donald-trump-the-atlantic-john-mccain-loserstrump-denies-account-of-him-disparaging-u-s-war-dead-mccain 4 September 2020] Trump responded to Goldberg's piece &quot;It’s a total lie. It’s fake news&quot;.
**Trump also [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301893907295371266 tweeted that day]: &quot;The Atlantic Magazine is dying, like most magazines, so they make up a fake story in order to gain some relevance. Story already refuted, but this is what we are up against.&quot;
**press secretary [[Kayleigh McEnany]] also [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/09/04/whs_mcenany_atlantic_report_on_trump_has_been_categorically_debunked_by_witnesses_clearly_fake_news.html on September 4th] stated &quot;The story in the Atlantic has been categorically debunked by eyewitnesses and contemporaneous documents&quot;, quoting two service members:
***&quot;&quot;I was with the president the morning after the scheduled visit. He was extremely disappointed that arrangements could not be made to get him to the site and that the trip had been cancelled. I have worked with the president for his entire administration .. I have never heard him utter a disparaging remark of any kind about our troops.&quot; - Derek Lyons
***&quot;there was a bad weather called in France and that the helicopters were unable to safely make the flight. Overall, the president's support and respect for our American troops past and present is unquestionable&quot; - Dan Walsh
**following Goldberg's piece that same day, [[James LaPorta]] wrote [https://apnews.com/article/b823f2c285641a4a09a96a0b195636ed on AP] &quot;A senior Defense Department official with firsthand knowledge of events and a senior U.S. Marine Corps officer who was told about Trump’s comments confirmed some of the remarks to The Associated Press, including the 2018 cemetery comments.&quot;


{{Disputed end}}

{{misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* I have a really high IQ, Phil. I mean, c'mon. It's impossible for me to not be atheist.
** Attributed by photo meme to an appearance on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. [http://www.snopes.com/trump-donahue-atheist-1989/ According to Snopes.com], there is no evidence he ever said this, nor that he even appeared on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989.

* This has been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever.
** Actual quote was &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl2QShtOwbU NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country.]&quot;

* If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific.
** There is no record of Trump ever saying this; sometimes &quot;''People'' magazine, 1998&quot; is ''incorrectly'' given as the &quot;source&quot; of this quotation — [http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/ snopes.com]; [https://www.truthorfiction.com/donald-trump-said-republicans-are-the-dumbest-group-of-voters/ truthorfiction.com]

* The harder I work, the luckier I get.
** Originated with [[Samuel Goldwyn]] as a paraphrase of a proverb from a collection by Coleman Cox, but similar proverbs have existed since the 16th century. [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/21/luck-hard-work/]

* Life is what you do while you're waiting to die.
** [[w:Fred Ebb|Fred Ebb]], ''[[w:Zorba (musical)|Zorba]]'' (1968)

* People are dying today that have never died before.
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-quote-never-died-before/ According to Snopes.com], there is no record of Trump saying this.

* The doctors said they've never seen a body kill the Coronavirus like my body. They tested my DNA and it wasn't DNA. It was USA.
** Reportedly said by Trump after he was hospitalized with [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]], following [[w:White House COVID-19 outbreak|an outbreak of the disease in the White House]]; the quote actually originates from an image featuring a fabricated subtitle overlaid on a video released by the President while he was in [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-coronavirus-kill-body/]
	
* My blood IS the vaccine!!!!!	
** Originates from a fabricated screenshot of a tweet allegedly posted on October 5, 2020, the same day Trump was released from [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]] after his diagnosis of [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-my-blood-is-the-vaccine/] The fictitious quote likely refers to the donation of the [[w:blood plasma|blood plasma]] of COVID-19 survivors as a treatment method against catching the disease, a treatment of which Trump has been a vocal supporter. Trump has, however, suggested that he would consider donating his own plasma for this purpose. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-donate-plasma-covid-19-coronavirus/]
 	
{{misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Trump==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by surname.&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;[[#A|A]] · [[#B|B]] · [[#C|C]] · [[#D|D]] · [[#E|E]] · [[#F|F]] · [[#G|G]] · [[#H|H]] · [[#I|I]] · [[#J|J]] · [[#K|K]] · [[#L|L]] · [[#M|M]] · [[#N|N]] · [[#O|O]] · [[#P|P]] · [[#Q|Q]] · [[#R|R]] · [[#S|S]] · [[#T|T]] · [[#U|U]] · [[#V|V]] · [[#W|W]] · [[#X|X]] · [[#Y|Y]] · [[#Z|Z]] · [[#See also|See&amp;nbsp;also]] · [[#External links|External&amp;nbsp;links]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lou Barletta.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump's voice is resonating with average Americans who feel their voice has been lost by their party. I believe this will become a new Republican Party, one that we should embrace. We should be the party of working men and women, the party of America first. ~ [[w:Lou Barletta|Lou Barletta]]]]
[[File:Glenn Beck by Gage Skidmore 3.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump, I really truly [[believe]] is a very [[dangerous]] man. If you listen to the things he said... He has joked about killing reporters. ~ [[Glenn Beck]] ]] 
{{npov}}

=== A ===
[[File:Bashar al-Assad (cropped).jpg|thumb|I don't know him, when I sit with him face-to-face, I can judge him. But I only look at the person on the TV. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]]]]

*We have a commander-in-chief who has never failed to signal his [[xenophobia]], his racism, his bigotry and his hatred. And that will absolutely filter down to the youngest and most impressionable members of our communities.
**[[Stacey Abrams]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/1/31/stacey_abrams_we_have_to_work Interview] with Democracy Now (January 2019)

* The meta-impact of President Trump routinely doing the &quot;[[impossibility|impossible]]&quot; is that it changes how all of us view our world. If Trump can keep doing the impossible, time and time again, why can't we? [...] [D]on't be surprised if 2018 is the year when people all over the world shed their mental prisons and take on the &quot;impossibles&quot; in ways we have never seen. Thanks to President Trump, people everywhere are beginning to recognize the difference between real impossibilities and simple failures of imagination.
** [[Scott Adams]], [http://blog.dilbert.com/2018/01/02/president-trump-changed-imagination/ &quot;How President Trump Changed Your Imagination&quot;] (2 January 2018)

*Trump gives about four months for Syria troop pull-out: NYT
**Aljazeera, [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/01/trump-months-syria-troop-pull-nyt-190101143234181.html 1 January 2019] in response to [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/31/us/politics/trump-troop-withdrawal-syria-months.html?action=click&amp;login=smartlock&amp;auth=login-smartlock 31 December 2019] article by Eric Schmitt and Maggie Haberman of New York Times titled &quot;Trump to Allow Months for Troop Withdrawal in Syria, Officials Say&quot; that says &quot;Trump has agreed to give the military about four months to withdraw the 2,000 United States troops in Syria, administration officials said on Monday&quot;

* I think it's funny because Donald Trump is kind of in the spirit of old Greek tyrants where they used to vote in a guy that had no encumbrances. So the smartest thing about him, which is probably most overlooked, to me, is that he doesn't owe anybody anything and if he would just stick to fixing the bridges, roads and infrastructures that's what he knows how to do...just keep him doing that.
** [[Tim Allen]], as quoted in [http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2016/01/13/tim-allen-says-leans-left-leans-right-and-ends-up-center-right.html &quot;Tim Allen says he leans left, leans right, and ends up 'center right'&quot;] by Blanche Johnson, ''FoxNews.com'' (13 January 2016)

* I think Trump failed to pull off his [[Coup d'état|coup]] because of three enduring weaknesses in his character. First, many high school students know more about how the American government works than he does. He particularly does not understand the way the Constitution’s division of powers, even after all the growth in executive power over the decades, still can check an overreaching president. Thus he seems to have assumed that Republican judges would agree the election had been rigged simply because they were Republicans, when actually they were foremost judges in an independent judiciary bound by precedent, by a duty to see that justice is done, and by a demand for evidence. Similarly, Congress has many ties to executive agencies such as the FBI and the Department of Defense, especially the ties that bind with purse strings, that give it considerable influence in these agencies. &lt;br&gt;Second, organizing something as complicated as a [[Coup d'état|coup d’etat]] takes some serious cognitive chops, and by 2020 Donald Trump had trouble “staying on topic” for even a minute. If he were huddling with a conspirator over, say, control of the U.S. Marshalls during a takeover, he would soon be talking about how windmills kill eagles or the steam catapults on aircraft carriers. His thinking processes were too chaotic to orchestrate a coup. &lt;br&gt;Third, even though Donald Trump convinced millions that he was a self-assured, super-confident, take-charge [[Individualism|individualist]], he has long lacked resolve. He always had the courage of his convictions, which meant he had almost none. He frequently changed positions on important issues, notoriously being swayed by whoever spoke to him last, and his decision-making could be fairly characterized as “Charge ahead impulsively, then quickly retreat.” For example, two days after the networks declared Joe Biden had won the election, Trump signed an executive order commanding the withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan and elsewhere by inauguration day. This surprised everyone at the Pentagon, whose officials immediately pointed out the dangers of precipitate withdrawals. Trump almost never went toe-to-toe with advisors who stood up to him. Instead he just sulked and complained about having “too many lawyers.” Like the executive order Trump signed curtailing military aid to [[South Korea]] that an aide simply took off his desk and deep-sixed, the order about Afghanistan was ignored. &lt;br&gt;'''[[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]] famously said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” and he had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here.” Trump can’t stand the heat, and accordingly he always makes sure the buck stops somewhere else. Like most [[Bullying|bullies]], he usually gets another person to do his dirty work and face all the danger. The mob who attacked the Capitol on January 6th were the latest version of the throngs who bought Trump’s junk bonds in earlier days, taking all the risks, for his benefit, while he watched.'''
** [[Bob Altemeyer]], [https://theauthoritarians.org/lessons-of-the-2020-american-election-january-6th-and-beyond/ &quot;Lessons of the 2020 American Election, January 6th, and Beyond&quot;], October 20, 2021.

* What's more appalling is that huge numbers of those left behind in the wealth transfer genuflected to the new plutocratic class, celebrating the most vicious of the uber- [[Chief executive officer|CEOs]]. This craven CEO-worshipping is still going on today- middle Americans drag themselves home after work in order to gather around the television and watch billionaire assholes like Donald Trump deliver his &quot;You're fired!&quot; line to some desperate, stressed-out [[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]-abee.
** [[Mark Ames]], ''Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond'' (2005), p. 87-88

* He really does remind you of the original Narcissus, the frigid pretty boy of [[Greek myths|Greek myth]] who was mortally smitten by his own reflection. Narcissus is autoerotic; he is self-aroused.
** [[Martin Amis]] [https://harpers.org/archive/2016/08/don-the-realtor/ &quot;Don the Realtor&quot;] ''Harper's Magazine'' (August 2016)

*[[w:Neo-Nazis|We]] support Trump because he is the savior of the [[White people|White race]], sent by God to free us from the shackles of the Jew occupation and establish a 1000 Reich.
** {{w|Andrew Anglin}}, as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-neo-nazis-jews_us_5747397be4b0dacf7ad4480e &quot;Trump's Neo-Nazi And Jewish Backers Are Both Convinced He's Secretly On Their Side&quot;] (26 May 2016), by Jessica Schulberg, ''The Huffington Post''

* Yes, Trump is worse than imperfect. So what? We can lament until we choke the lack of a great [[Statesmanship|statesman]] to address the fundamental issues of our time—or, more importantly, to connect them. Since [[Pat Buchanan]]'s three failures, occasionally a candidate arose who saw one piece: [[Dick Gephardt]] on trade, [[Ron Paul]] on war, [[Tom Tancredo]] on immigration. Yet, among recent political figures—great statesmen, dangerous demagogues, and mewling gnats alike—only Trump-the-alleged-buffoon not merely saw all three and their essential connectivity, ''but was able to win on them''. The alleged buffoon is thus more prudent—more practically wise—than all of our wise-and-good who so bitterly oppose him. This should embarrass them. That their failures instead embolden them is only further proof of their foolishness and hubris.
**{{w|Michael Anton}} (as &quot;Publius Decius Mus&quot;), [http://www.claremont.org/crb/basicpage/the-flight-93-election/ &quot;The Flight 93 Election&quot;], ''The Claremont Institute'' (September 5, 2016) 

* Trump is not the only president in the modern era to have switched sides. [[Ronald Reagan]] famously changed from the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], but the change was driven by principle, and the change stuck. He didn't sway back and forth, again and again. It would be tough for anyone to claim Donald Trump flipped parties on &quot;principle&quot; like Reagan. Some have sought to dig into Trump's ideological evolution, figuring out what changed or who inspired him to become a Republican. I'll spare them the needless waste of effort. Donald Trump became a conservative when it became politically convenient for him. I have no doubt he would have become the raucous rising star of the Democratic Party, too, if that looked like a shorter path to the Oval Office. Either way, he did with his belief system what he did with any Trump product. He outsourced it for low-cost manufacturing to someone else, then slapped his name on it. A handful of hired minions gave him the bare-bones requirements of a &quot;conservative&quot; platform. And he covered it with gaudy gold plating to make it his own.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 97

* Donald Trump has America back on the road to bankruptcy, an area where he has unparalleled expertise for a president of the United States. The small band of fiscal conservatives who remain in the Trump administration warned the president about the eventual dangers of his out-of-control spending addiction. In one such meeting, Trump reportedly said, &quot;Yeah, but I won't be here.&quot; I never heard him say those words, but it doesn't come as a surprise. That's how he thinks. What does he care if the federal government goes belly-up? By then it won't be his problem.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 101

* The president's denial-turned-apathy to Moscow's actions is why America responded with the diplomatic equivalent of a whimper to one of the biggest foreign affronts to our democracy. Of all the failures of Trump's foreign policy, letting Russia off the hook is perhaps the most frustrating. The outgoing Obama administration imposed modest [[United States sanctions|sanctions]] on [[Moscow]], including expelling several dozen alleged Russian agents from the United States, but it left the rest to the incoming White House. Trump was reluctant to take further action that might offend Putin, with whom he hoped to develop a close working relationship. He hesitated to even raise the subject in conversations with the Russian leader, dumbfounding people on the inside. I remember when [[United States Congress|Congress]] sanctioned Russia in summer 2017. Representatives vented their anger over how little the administration had done to hold Russia accountable, so they took matters into their own hands and passed legislation punishing the country. Though he would later take credit for the sanctions in order to claim our administration had been unusually tough on Moscow, Trump in fact was furious. He felt Congress was getting in the way of his goal of a warm friendship with the Kremlin. Russia responded to the sanctions by kicking out hundreds of US embassy staff from their country and seizing US diplomatic compounds. President Trump's response was startling. &quot;I want to thank him because we're trying to cut down on payroll,&quot; Trump told reporters about Putin's move, without a hint of irony. &quot;And as far as I'm concerned, I'm very thankful that he let go a large number of people, because now we have a smaller payroll. There's no real reason for them to go back. So I greatly appreciate the fact that we've been able to cut our payroll of the United States. We'll save a lot of money.&quot;
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 164-165

* Trump's cavalier attitude toward the Russian security threat has had a predictable yet devastating consequence. Moscow has not been deterred from attacking American interests. It has been emboldened. They continue to take advantage of the United States, around the world and on our own soil. Former director of National Intelligence [[Dan Coats]] testified in January 2019 that Russia was still sowing social, racial, and political discord in the United States through influence operations, and several months later, [[Robert Mueller]] said the same. &quot;It wasn't a single attempt,&quot; he testified to Congress. &quot;They're doing it as we sit here. And they expect to do it during the next campaign.&quot; This should be a national scandal, a cause for outrage and action against the Russian government. Instead, it's being ignored where it should matter most- in the Oval Office. Reporters asked Trump about Mueller's assessment days later and quizzed him again on whether he'd pressed Putin on the topic. &quot;You don't really believe this,&quot; he shot back. &quot;Do you believe this? Okay, fine. We didn't talk about it.&quot; Then he boarded Marine One.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167

* As we tried to make sense of Donald Trump's positions or when one of us tried to argue against them, we first had to ask: Why is the president so attracted to autocrats? After a contentious meeting about the president's engagement with a foreign dictator, a top national security aide offered me his take. &quot;The president sees in these guys what he wishes he had: total power, no term limits, enforced popularity, and the ability to silence critics for good.&quot; He was spot on. It was the simplest explanation.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 171

* Mr. Trump is a wild card, but he is likely to sign pro-life measures, and he is seeking advice now from the right people to appoint a plausible successor to [[Antonin Scalia|Justice Scalia]]. In this Guide for the Perplexed, we may find reason to bite our lips and take the Wild Card over the brutal Sure Thing on the other side.
** [[w:Hadley Arkes|Hadley Arkes]], [https://www.thecatholicthing.org/2016/05/04/a-guide-for-the-perplexed/ &quot;A Guide for the Perplexed&quot;], ''The Catholic Thing'' (4 May 2016)

* '''I don't know him, when I sit with him face-to-face, I can judge him. But I only look at the person on the TV,''' you know, on the TV you can manipulate everything, you can...rehearse, you can prepare yourself...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

* My analysis is that Trump would not be permitted to win. Why do I say that? Because he has had every establishment off his side. Trump does not have one establishment, maybe with the exception of the Evangelicals, if you can call them an establishment. Banks, intelligence, arms companies, foreign money, etc. are all united behind [[Hillary Clinton]]. And the media as well. Media owners, and the journalists themselves.
** [[Julian Assange]], interview with John Pilger; [https://www.rt.com/news/365299-assange-pilger-saudi-clinton/ &quot;Assange: Clinton &amp; ISIS funded by same money, Trump won't be allowed to win&quot;], ''[[w:RT (TV network)|RT.com]]'' (4 November 2016)

* [Trump] is consistent. He is the same person that you see behind the scenes as he is in the public or through the media.
** [[Jacinda Ardern]]  in [https://thespinoff.co.nz/politics/20-08-2020/the-complete-history-of-donald-trump-v-jacinda-ardern/ A brief history of Donald Trump v Jacinda Ardern]

* There is no greater sacrifice than to lay down one's life for their country, and that's the sacrifice that Captain Humayum Khan made fighting to defend our freedom and our constitutional rights. He was a true American hero. The Khan family deserves nothing less than our deepest support, respect, and gratitude, and they have every right to express themselves in any way they choose. I am appalled that Donald Trump would disparage them and that he had the gall to compare his own sacrifices to those of a Gold Star family.
** {{w|Kelly Ayotte}}, statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about Khizr and Ghazala Khan [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/31/khizr-khan-calls-trump-a-black-soul-says-mcconnell-ryan-have-moral-obligation-to-repudiate-him/] (July 31, 2016)

=== B ===
* Attached hereto is a copy of Mr. Trump's birth certificate, demonstrating that he is the son of Fred Trump, not an orangutan.
**Scott Balber, Donald Trump's lawyer, to comedian [[Bill Maher]] (2013), in response to Maher's facetious assertion that he'd pay Trump $5 million dollars upon release of Trump's birth certificate to prove he was not sired by an {{w|orangutan}}. [http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/celebrity-news/my-dad-was-not-an-orangutan-donald-trump-says-in-lawsuit/article8467052/] [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/bill-maher-nukes-trump-over-lawsuit-the-law-is-not-a-toy-for-rich-idiots-to-play-with/]

* Mr Khan, shame on you &amp; #CrookedHillary (Hillary Clinton) for not being truthful to all in attacks at @realDonaldTrump (Donald Trump).
** {{w|Al Baldasaro}}, [https://twitter.com/Al_Baldasaro/status/760122082323795968 Twitter, August 1, 2016]

*Come on. You know it's only socialism when it helps the working class. Farm bailout will primarily help big Ag. (referring to [https://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-trump-farm-bailout-20190528-story.html?outputType=amp ''Los Angeles Times'' article: Rich farmers, not mom-and-pop farms, will collect most of Trump's tariff bailout  (31 May 2019)]  
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball/status/1144018130357882880 ''Twitter Post,'']  (26 June 2019)

*Interesting nugget here as well. @tparsi had been informed by a Hill staffer in touch with the Pentagon that military strikes were imminent. Apparently everyone thought these strikes were really happening right up until the last moment. @esaagar ...  @tparsi also warns that any military strike could easily lead to full blown conflict. &quot;The Idea that there's such a thing as a limited strike on Iran is frankly preposterous.&quot; ... Interview with Head of the National Iranian American Council @tparsi . He told us it would be &quot;political suicide&quot; for any Iranian politician to meet with Trump as long as Bolton/Pompeo are around. @esaagar ... #rising #sanctions #Iran #iranwar
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball ''Twitter Post''],  (24 June 2019)

*Wait... you only thought to ask about how many people would die 10 minutes before the strike??? That's a rather important piece of info to nearly overlook.
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball ''Twitter Post''],  (21 June 2019)

*  As Democrats jeer that Trump has merely laid bare the true soul of the GOP, some Republicans wonder, with considerable anguish, whether they're right.
** {{w|Molly Ball}}, ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/08/can-the-republican-party-survive-trumo/402074/ Can the Republican Party Survive Trump?]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (August 24, 2015)

* Viewed through any conventional lens, [[President of the United States|President]]-elect Donald Trump's candidacy was [[improbable]] from start to finish. Today, two things about his [[victory]] seem to be in sharper focus: one, that Trump's victory might best be understood as the success of the country's first [[independent]] [[president]], and second, that the Trump coalition may be even more uniquely his than President [[Barack Obama|Obama]]'s has turned out to be.&lt;br&gt;Trump owes his [[success]] in part to the fact that he ran for president in an environment that favored [[change]] over the [[status quo]]. But his [[luck]] or [[genius]] goes beyond that. It has long been noted that the conditions have existed for an independent candidate to run a serious campaign for president.&lt;br&gt;Trump took the elements of an independent candidacy — the lack of clear [[ideology]], the name recognition of a national [[celebrity]] and the personal [[fortune]] needed to fund a presidential campaign — and then did what no one seemed to have thought of before. He staged a hostile takeover of an existing major party. He had the best of both worlds, an outsider candidacy with crosscutting ideological appeal and the platform of a major party to wage the general election. By the time he had finished, he had taken down two political dynasties: the [[w:Bush family|Bush dynasty]] in the primaries and the [[w:Clinton family|Clinton dynasty]] in the general election.
** [[Dan Balz]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-americas-first-independent-president/2016/11/19/b09e1cc6-ade2-11e6-8b45-f8e493f06fcd_story.html Donald Trump, America's first independent president]'' (November 19, 2016)

* It should not have taken a pandemic to raise these resources. In June 2019, we presented a [[w:Poor_People’s_Moral_Budget|Poor People’s Moral Budget]] to the House Budget Committee, showing that we can meet these needs for this entire country. '''If you had taken up this Moral Budget, we would have already moved towards infusing more than $1.2 trillion into the economy to invest in health care, good jobs, living wages, housing, water and sanitation services and more.&lt;BR&gt;This is not the time for trickle-down solutions. We know that when you lift from the bottom, everybody rises. There are concrete solutions to this immediate crisis and the longer term illnesses we have been battling for months, years and decades before. We will continue to organize and build power until you meet these demands. Many millions of us have been hurting for far too long. We will not be silent anymore.'''&lt;br&gt;With its broad sweep, the [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|COVID-19 pandemic]] has forced us into an unprecedented [[w:State of emergency|national emergency]]. This emergency, however, results from a deeper and much longer term crisis — that of [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and [[w:Inequality in the United States|inequality]], and of a [[w:Society of the United States|society]] that ignores the needs of 140 million people who are poor or a $400 emergency away from being poor.
**[[Rev William Barber II]] in Letter to President [[Donald Trump]], Vice President [[Mike Pence]] and Members of the [[w:116th United States Congress|116th Congress]], ''[https://www.poorpeoplescampaign.org/poverty-amidst-pandemic/ Poverty Amidst Pandemic: A Moral Response to COVID-19]'' (March 19, 2020), co-written with [[Liz Theoharis]], [[Poor People's Campaign: A National Call for a Moral Revival]]

[[File:Interfaith Health Care Vigil 6291113.jpg|thumb|Trump and Pence need to let the people go. They’ve been holding poor and low-wealth people hostage, essential workers hostage. It’s time for a change in this country.  ~ [[Rev. William Barber II]] ]]
*On the issue of the [[Economy of the United States|economy]], I think there couldn’t be a more fundamental difference between Donald Trump and [[Joe Biden]]. Joe Biden believes you measure the health and the strength of America’s economy based on the health and the strength of the American worker and the American family. On the other hand, you have '''Donald Trump, who measures the strength of the economy based on how rich people are doing, which is why he passed a tax bill benefiting the top 1% and the biggest corporations of America, leading to a $2 trillion deficit that the American people are going to have to pay for'''&lt;br&gt;'''Not only will Pence and Trump not acknowledge racism when it comes to police violence, they are not even acknowledging the disparate racism in economics and in healthcare, and... wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy...'''&lt;BR&gt; '''The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts''', they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus.
**[[Rev William Barber II]], quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''DemocracyNow''], (8 October 2020)

*What I saw in [[North Carolina]], what we defeated in North Carolina, what we filed suit against in North Carolina, is now what Trump and Pence are talking about doing on the national level: surgical racism with surgical precision... '''Pence and Trump don’t believe in [[W:Voting Rights Act|the Voting Rights Act]]... They know they cannot win if everybody votes. They are terribly afraid of poor and low-wealth Black and Brown people voting.'''&lt;br&gt;And then stop saying Trump won the last time. He was elected by the Electoral College because of 80,000 votes. We have to end this mythology that he had some kind of superpower. The fact of the matter is, 100 million people did not vote. .. I couldn’t help but go to the [[Book of Exodus]], where it talked about where God said, “If you don’t let my people go, I’m going to cause flies to come as a sign of what’s wrong. But I won’t let the flies be on the people, but the fly will be a symbol that you’re just wrong. You’re lying. Let my people go.” And Trump and Pence need to let the people go. They’ve been holding poor and low-wealth people hostage, essential workers hostage. It’s time for a change in this country.
**[[Rev. William Barber II]]  in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/rev_william_barber_voting_2020 Rev. William Barber on Voter Suppression: Republicans Know They Can’t Win If Everyone Casts a Ballot'], [[w:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']], (8 October 2020)

* '''Donald Trump's voice is resonating with average Americans who feel their voice has been lost by their party. I believe this will become a new Republican Party, one that we should embrace. We should be the party of working men and women, the party of America first.'''
** {{w|Lou Barletta}}, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/03/22/lou-barletta-an-immigration-hard-liner-in-congress-endorses-trump/ &quot;Lou Barletta, an immigration hard-liner in Congress, endorses Trump&quot;] by Robert Costa, ''The Washington Post'' (22 March 2016)

* Orchestrating a mob to pressure [[Congress]] is inexcusable.
** William Barr, Former Attorney General, as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/barr-says-trump-s-conduct-betrayal-presidency-n1253281 &quot;Barr says Trump's conduct is a 'betrayal' of the presidency&quot;] January 7 2021 &lt;i&gt; NBC News &lt;/i&gt;

* You can’t trust him.
* He has no principles. None. None.
* His goddamned tweet and the lying, oh, my God.
* The change of stories. The lack of preparation. The lying. Holy shit.
** [[w:Maryanne Trump Barry|Maryanne Trump Barry]], sister of Donald Trump, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/03/22/lou-barletta-an-immigration-hard-liner-in-congress-endorses-trump/ Trump’s Sister Says He Is a Liar With “No Principles” in Secret Recordings: “You Can’t Trust Him”] by Daniel Politi, ''Slate'' (22 August 2020)

*Iran's actions can hardly be said to have occurred in a vacuum... it has been the recent policy of &quot;maximum pressure&quot; on Tehran under the incoherent foreign policy of the Trump administration that has exacerbated the current tensions... the [[W:United States withdrawal from the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Trump administration has withdrawn]] unilaterally from the internationally agreed – and successful – [[w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) of 2015]]... It is not hard, then, to see how these moves might be viewed in Tehran: as part of an escalating offensive from multiple sources threatening its own home front in a campaign of [[w:economic warfare|economic warfare]] designed to weaken the regime....The depth of the US stake in this increasingly dangerous game is far harder to judge, given the usual confusion of Trump's flip-flopping and the machinations of Bolton...  All of which leaves us to contemplate the most frightening element of all in a complex crisis: that the current occupant of the White House lacks any of the skills required to successfully defuse it.
**[[Peter Beaumont (journalist)|Peter Beaumont]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/14/trump-iran-oil-tanker-attacks  ''Trump's fanned the flames in Iran, now the fire risks getting out of control, The Guardian,''] (14 June 2019)

*When conservatives desperately needed allies in the fight against big government, Donald Trump didn't stand on the sidelines. He consistently advocated that your money be spent, that your government grow, and that your Constitution be ignored... Trump's potential primary victory would provide Hillary Clinton with the easiest imaginable path to the White House. But it's far worse than that. If Donald Trump wins the Republican nomination, there will once again be no opposition to an ever-expanding government. This is a crisis for [[conservatism]]. And, once again, this crisis will not go to waste.
**[[Glenn Beck]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*'''Donald Trump, I really truly believe is a very dangerous man. If you listen to the things he said''' this weekend... 'I could go onto Fifth Avenue and shoot people and I wouldn't lose a vote'. '''He has joked about killing reporters''' — and 'not' killing reporters like [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] does... We don't change with the mood of the country. That is the problem with our country right now. The Constitution is to anchor us in principles that help temper the mood of the country... The mood of the country is very angry, but you never make a good decision when you are angry... The worst thing we can do is to now start looking at, who is going to get revenge? One of the things that Donald Trump does, when you have a guy who is angry and then has an enemies list and starts to just take people down over and over and over again — if you disagree with him, he destroys you. If that is the mood of the country, we are in more trouble than I thought.
**[[Glenn Beck]], [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/25/politics/glenn-beck-donald-trump-dangerous/index.html interview on ''New Day''] (January 2016), ''CNN'', Georgia: Cable News Network 

* '''Trump may be vulgar, Trump may be abrasive, but in terms of racism, corruption, and destruction, he is Mr[[Reagan]]'s true heir. Trump's Republican Party is what it has been at least since the 1980s, only more so.'''
** Larry Beinhart ''[https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/donald-ronald-190811202546763.html Donald and Ronald]'', 12 August 2019, ''{{w|Al Jazeera English}}''.

* &quot;The words from his mouths begin in foolishness, and his talk ends in wicked madness, yet Trump talks on and on.&quot;
** [[w:Shlomo ben David|Shlomo Ben-David]] on [[w:Ro'im Olam|''Ro'im Olam'']], May 12, 2018.

* He does not seem to be able to differentiate between fact and fiction.
** Ben Berzin jr., Midatlantic Bank, quoted by Steven Malanga in [https://www.manhattan-institute.org/html/donald-trump-art-tease-3007.html Donald Trump: The Art of the Tease] (06 April 2011), ''{{w|Manhattan Institute}}''

* The evidence shows: Donald Trump cannot retain an ally, keep a promise, uphold a principle, maintain a story, change a mind or show a heart. 
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preet_Bharara Preet Bharara] on [https://twitter.com/preetbharara/status/917198254923710464?lang=de Twitter] (8 October 2017)

*When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
**[[Joe Biden]] on [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding Trump's April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* In an age of pussified [[political correctness]], you have to respect the people who remain unfiltered.
** {{w|Dan Bilzerian}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/263480-instagram-star-praises-unfiltered-trump &quot;'King of Instagram' praises 'unfiltered' Trump&quot;] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (16 December 2015)

*Donald found out about [Cohn's [[HIV/AIDS|HIV]] diagnosis] and just dropped him like a hot potato. It was like night and day.
** Susan Bell, longtime secretary of Trump's lawyer {{W|Roy Cohn}}, as quoted in [http://theweek.com/speedreads/617343/donald-trump-turned-back-closest-friend-when-heard-aids Donald Trump turned his back on his closest friend when he heard he had AIDS], at ''{{W|The Week}}'', published April 8, 2016 

* Donald Trump was a [[joke]] until nominated, unelectable until elected, incompetent until he succeeded on most fronts, and about to be impeached until he debunked the collusion nonsense; he has had a very [[success]]ful year. His enemies have been weighed in the balance and they have been found wanting. They shall have their reward. 
** [[Conrad Black]], &quot;[http://www.nationalreview.com/article/454754/donald-trump-2017-successful Trump's Whirlwind Year]&quot;, ''National Review'' (December 19, 2017)

* ...it is merely Marxist drivel to think that employers have more power than employees (tell that to Michael Jordan and Jerry Reinsdorf) or landlords than tenants (tell that to the landlord of Bill Gates or Donald Trump).
** [[w:Walter Block|Walter E. Block]], ''The Case for Discrimination'' (2010, Ludwig von Mises Institute) p. 404

*Americans think it would be better to have a businessman than a politician as president, and I sympathize with them. Alas, the only businessmen crazy enough to run for president seem to be, well, crazy. At least [[Ross Perot]] kept his craziness confined mostly to private matters, such as the looming disruption of his daughter's wedding. Donald Trump puts it front and center. From a [[Libertarianism|libertarian]] point of view, and I think serious conservatives and liberals would share this view, Trump's greatest offenses against American tradition and our founding principles are his [[w:Nativism|nativism]] and his promise of one-man rule. Not since [[George Wallace]] has there been a presidential candidate who made racial and religious scapegoating so central to his campaign. Trump launched his campaign talking about Mexican rapists and has gone on to rant about mass deportation, bans on Muslim immigration, shutting down mosques, and building a wall around America. America is an exceptional nation in large part because we've aspired to rise above such prejudices and guarantee life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to everyone.
** {{w|David Boaz}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''

* Where Washington and New York-based GOP leaders pledge outreach to immigrants, moderate Muslims and other [[minorities]], the reality TV star plays more overt racial politics than any national candidate since [[George Wallace]]. Trump's brand of nativist, nationalist isolationism marked the path to victory. 
** Igor Bobic and Ryan Grim, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-south-carolina_us_56c87f72e4b041136f1725b8 &quot;What Donald Trump's Win In South Carolina Says About The Republican Party&quot;] (20 February 2016), ''The Huffington Post''.

* Trump spoke with [[Xi Jinping]] by phone on June 18, ahead of [[w:2019 G20 Osaka summit|2019's Osaka G20 summit]], when they would next meet. Trump began by telling Xi he missed him and then said that the most popular thing he had ever been involved with was making a trade deal with China, which would be a big plus politically. They agreed their economic teams could continue meeting. The [[w:2018 G20 Buenos Aires summit|G20 bilateral]] arrived, and during the usual media mayhem at the start, Trump said, &quot;we've become friends. My trip to Beijing with my family was one of the most incredible of my life.&quot; With the press gone, Xi said this is the most important bilateral relationship in the world. He said that some (unnamed) political figures in the United States were making erroneous judgments by calling for a new cold war, this time between [[China–United States relations|China and the United States]]. Whether Xi meant to finger the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]], or some of us sitting on the US side of the table, I don't know, but Trump immediately assumed Xi meant the Democrats. Trump said approvingly that there was great hostility among the Democrats. He then, stunningly, turned the conversation to the [[2020 United States presidential election|coming US presidential election]], alluding to China's economic capability to affect the ongoing campaigns, pleading with Xi to ensure he'd win. He stressed the importance of farmers, and increased Chinese purchases of soybeans and wheat in the electoral outcome. I would print Trump's exact words, but the government's prepublication review process [[w:Censorship in the United States#Trump administration|has decided otherwise]].
** [[John Bolton]], ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon &amp; Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT202 p. 202] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}}

*Trump... though representing the most reactionary US government in recent memory, paradoxically has also led to an opening to challenge US power. The first reason is that he and his administration are much less disciplined about obscuring their true intentions behind insincere proclamations of benevolent motives. Whereas the [[George W. Bush]] administration in the run up to the Iraq War successfully manufactured consent amongst a large swath of the US public by scaring them over false claims about &quot;[[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]],&quot; the Trump administration doesn't even hide the fact that its foreign policy is motivated by advancing the US economic interests.
**Peter Bolton of ''[[W:CounterPunch|CounterPunch]]'',  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/06/27/the-failed-venezuelan-coup-and-the-decline-of-us-hegemony/ ''The Failed Venezuelan Coup and the Decline of US Hegemony,''] (27 June 2019) 

* Trump is a [[Fascism|fascist]]. And that's not a term I use loosely or often. But he's earned it.
** [[Max Boot]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-isnt-todays-wendell-willkie-hes-todays-benito-mussolini/2015/12/08/77c81b0c-9ddc-11e5-a3c5-c77f2cc5a43c_story.html ''Twitter''] (2015)

* Republican Party is dead. ... It has been killed by Donald Trump.
* Trump is an ignorant [[demagogue]] who traffics in [[racist]] and [[misogynistic]] slurs and [[crazy]] [[conspiracy theories]]. He champions protectionism and isolationism — the policies that brought us the [[Great Depression]] and [[World War II]]. He wants to undertake a police-state roundup of undocumented immigrants and to bar [[Muslims]] from coming to this country. He encourages his followers to assault protesters and threatens to sue or smear critics. He would abandon [[Japan]] and [[South Korea]] and break up the most successful alliance in [[history]] — {{w|NATO}}. But he has kind words for [[tyrant]]s such as [[Vladimir Putin]]. There has never been a major party nominee in U.S. history as unqualified for the presidency. The risk of Trump winning, however remote, represents the biggest national security threat that the United States faces today.
* I only know one thing for sure: I won't vote for Trump. My hope is that he will lose by a landslide, and the Republican Party will come to its senses, rejecting both his ugly, nativist [[populism]] and the extreme, holier-than-thou conservatism represented by [[Ted Cruz]].
** [[Max Boot]] {{Cite web|url=http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-boot-republicans-in-exile-20160508-story.html|title=The Republican Party is dead|date=May 8, 2016|website=latimes.com|publisher={{w|Los Angeles Times}}}}

* If an unapologetic {{w|ignoramus}} wins the presidency, the consequences will be no laughing matter.
* Donald J. Trump, a presidential candidate who truly is the know-nothing his Republican predecessors only pretended to be ... It is genuinely terrifying that someone who advances such offensive and ridiculous proposals could win the nomination of a party once led by [[Teddy Roosevelt]], who wrote more books than Mr. Trump has probably read. It's one thing to appeal to voters by pretending to be an average guy. It's another to be an average guy who doesn't know the first thing about governing or public policy. The Trump acolytes claim it doesn't matter; he can hire experts to advise him. But experts always disagree with one another and it is the president alone who must make the most difficult decisions in the world. That's not something he can do since he lacks the most basic grounding in the issues and is prey to fundamental misconceptions.
** [[Max Boot]] {{Cite web|url=http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/01/opinion/how-the-stupid-party-created-donald-trump.html|title=How the ‘Stupid Party' Created Trump|date=August 2, 2016|website=nytimes.com|publisher={{w|The New York Times}}}}

* As media scramble to figure out Trump's evolving position on [[immigration]], remember he cares *only* about feeding his ego. Policy irrelevant.
** [[Max Boot]], [https://twitter.com/MaxBoot/status/767160352262029312 Twitter, August 20, 2016]

* The GOP base is clearly disgusted and looking for new leadership. Enter Donald Trump, not just with policy prescriptions that challenge the cynical GOP leadership but with an attitude of disdain for that leadership—precisely in line with the sentiment of the base. Many conservatives are relishing this, but ah, the rub. Trump might be the greatest charlatan of them all.
** [[w:L. Brent Bozell III|L. Brent Bozell III]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* It was spring, four years ago. Donald and Ivana Trump were seated at opposite ends of their long Sheraton table in Mrs. Marjorie Merriweather Post's former dining room. They were posed in imperial style, as if they were a king and queen. They were at the height of their ride, and it was plenty glorious. Trump was seen on the news shows offering his services to negotiate with the Russians. There was talk that he might make a run for president. Ivana had had so much publicity that she now offered interviewers a press kit of flattering clips. Anything seemed possible, the Trumps had grown to such stature in the golden city of New York.
** [[w:Marie Brenner|Marie Brenner]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner/amp &quot;After the Gold Rush&quot;] (1 September, 1990), ''Vanity Fair''

*The [[Christian right|religious Right]] is the latest version of an old model of [[Politics of the United States|American politics]], variously incarnated by [[Puritanism|Puritans]], [[Abolitionism|abolitionists]], and [[William Jennings Bryan]]. It, like its predecessors, has argued that America and individual Americans need to have a godly or at least moral character to thrive. Now the religious Right adores [[w:Donald Trump|a thrice-married cad and casual liar]]. But it is not alone. Historians and psychologists of the martial virtues salute the bone-spurred draft-dodger whose Khe Sanh was not catching the clap. Cultural critics who deplored academic fads and slipshod aesthetics explicate a man who has never read a book, not even the ones he has signed. Followers of [[Harry V. Jaffa|Harry Jaffa]], the most important [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] scholar of the last 60 years, rally round a Republican who does not know why the [[American Civil War|Civil War]] happened. Straussians, after leaving the cave, find themselves in Mar-a-Lago. Econocons put their money on a serial bankrupt.
**[[w:Richard Brookhiser|Richard Brookhiser]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2018/02/17/william-f-buckley-trump-conservatism-needs-rebuilding/ &quot;WFB Today&quot;] (16 February 2018), ''National Review''

* Donald Trump betrays. It can start with Trump University, where Trump betrayed schoolteachers and others who dreamed of building a better life for themselves.
** [[David Brooks]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/04/opinion/donald-trump-the-great-betrayer.html?rref=opinion &quot;Donald Trump, the Great Betrayer&quot;] (4 March 2016), ''The New York Times''

* Donald Trump just has more courage. Whatever you might think of him, and I don't think much of him, but he has more courage than his opponents... He's a marketing genius who offers no substance. And people either got pushed into [[w:Subprime loans|subprime loans]] by [[w:Trump Mortgage|Trump Mortgage]], or they got suckered into racking up huge [[w:Credit card debt|credit card debt]] to buy courses on [[w:Trump University|Trump University]], and they were left high and dry when those things went belly up. And so that's a story that I think can be told. In a country which is feeling betrayed, he is a mass and serial betrayer... Given the numbers now, it's very hard to see he could win, given the huge numbers of Americans, the vast majority of Americans who say they could not support the guy. And I still find it hard to believe that somebody as policy-thin and as knowledge-thin would very well — he might be able to wear well with the electorate that we have.
** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-the-gop-push-to-stop-trump/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on the GOP push to stop Trump&quot;] (4 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

* Are we really here? Is this really happening? Is this America? Are we a great country talking about trying to straddle the world and create opportunity in this country? It's just mind-boggling. And we have sort of become acculturated, because this campaign has been so ugly. We have become acculturated to sleaze and unhappiness that you just want to shower from every 15 minutes. The Trump comparison of the looks of the wives, he does have, over the course of his life, a consistent misogynistic view of women as arm candy, as pieces of meat. It's a consistent attitude toward women which is the stuff of a diseased adolescent. And so we have seen a bit of that show up again. But if you go back over his past, calling into radio shows bragging about his affairs, talking about his sex life in public, he is childish in his immaturity. And his — even his [[misogyny]] is a childish misogyny. And that's why I do not think Republicans, standard Republicans, can say, yes, I'm going to vote for this guy because he's our nominee. He's of a different order than your normal candidate. And this whole week is just another reminder of that... The odd thing about his whole career and his whole language, his whole world view is there is no room for love in it. You get a sense of a man who received no love, can give no love, so his relationship with women, it has no love in it. It's trophy. And his relationship toward the world is one of competition and beating, and as if he's going to win by competition what other people get by love. And so you really are seeing someone who just has an odd psychology unleavened by kindness and charity, but where it's all winners and losers, beating and being beat. And that's part of the authoritarian personality, but it comes out in his attitude towards women.
** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-trump-cruz-wife-feud-isis-terror-in-brussels/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on Trump-Cruz wife feud, ISIS terror in Brussels&quot;] (25 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

* You need to be an outsider to be a change agent. There's only one person who can do that. And that is Donald Trump.
** {{w|Scott Brown}} endorsing Donald Trump, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/267988-brown-trump-is-the-agent-of-change-to-fix-washington &quot;Brown: Trump is the ‘agent of change' to fix Washington&quot;] by Elliot Smilowitz, ''The Hill'' (2 February 2016)

*a wartime president, with blue states, rather than any foreign nation, as the enemy.
**[[Ron Brownstein]] attributed in ''The Cruelty is the Point'' by [[Adam Serwer]] (2021), p 228

* Trump is sui generis, unlike any candidate of recent times. And his success is attributable not only to his stance on issues, but to his persona, his defiance of [[political correctness]], his relish of political combat with all comers, his &quot;damn the torpedos&quot; charging in frontally where others refuse to tread...
** [[Pat Buchanan]] — [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/01/12/pat-buchanan-believes-donald-trump-is-the-future-of-the-republican-party/ &quot;Pat Buchanan says Donald Trump is the future of the Republican Party&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (12 January 2016)

*When he looks at a glass, he is mesmerized by its reflection. If Donald Trump were shaped a little differently, he would compete for Miss America.
**[[William F. Buckley]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2018/02/17/william-f-buckley-trump-conservatism-needs-rebuilding/ &quot;WFB Today&quot;] (16 February 2018), by [[w:Richard Brookhiser|Richard Brookhiser]], ''National Review''

* I do not support Trump, and believe he would be a disastrous president and {{w|commander in chief}}.&lt;br&gt;Trump has no coherent [[organizing]] economic philosophy, spent decades acting like and supporting traditional [[liberal]] [[Democrats]], has repeatedly shifted his positions on major issues and has little more trust from economists than he has earned among the general electorate.&lt;br&gt;Trump is that he is a {{w|crony capitalist}}, who now states that he supported the Clintons and other liberals with donations for so long because he wanted to obtain influence with them while they were in [[power]]. He has led several businesses to [[bankruptcy]]. He has called himself the &quot;king of debt,&quot; a description that [[Gary Johnson|Johnson]] or [[Ron Paul|Paul]] and other leading libertarians would never use to describe themselves. ... The viewpoints offered by Trump seem to change like the leaves that change their colors when summer gives way to fall. ... Can anyone suggest we know what Trump will believe tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow?
** [[Brent Budowsky]], ''[http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/291092-why-libertarian-gary-johnson-must-be-included-in Why Libertarian Gary Johnson must be included in debates]'', ''[[w:The Hill (newspaper)|The Hill]]'' (August 11, 2016)

* He is his own art installation he is his own performance of himself, I don't know what else I can spin other than wonder, you know, who that 5-year old boy was and what his dad was telling him
** [[Bo Burnham]] on  [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbPxMsOKQ5o video (4:30)] (Writers Roundtable: [[John Krasinski]], Bo Burnham, [[Tamara Jenkins]], [[Peter Farrelly]], [[Eric Roth]] | Close Up) posted February 11, 2019

* The President bears responsibility for today’s events by promoting the unfounded conspiracy theories that have led to this point.  It is past time to accept the will of American voters and to allow our nation to move forward.
** Richard Burr, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/533034-richard-burr-says-trump-bears-responsibility-for-riot &quot;GOP senator says Trump 'bears responsibility' for Capitol riot&quot;] 7 January 2021 &lt;i&gt; The Hill &lt;/i&gt;

* And we, all of us, the Jews, helped them get there.
** [[Bradley Burston]], ''[http://www.haaretz.com/world-news/u-s-election-2016/1.752064 Trump's Win, the Greatest Victory for anti-Semitism in America Since 1941]'', ''{{w|Haaretz}}'' (10-11-2016)

* It’s difficult to say that the [[prosperity gospel]] itself led to Donald Trump’s inauguration. Again, only 17 percent of American Christians identify with it explicitly. It’s far more true, however, to say that the same cultural forces that led to the prosperity gospel’s proliferation in America — individualism, an affinity for ostentatious and charismatic leaders, the [[Protestant work ethic]], and a cultural obsession with the power of “positive thinking” — shape how we, as a nation, approach politics. 
** Tara Isabella Burton, [https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/9/1/15951874/prosperity-gospel-explained-why-joel-osteen-believes-prayer-can-make-you-rich-trump “The prosperity gospel, explained: Why Joel Osteen believes that prayer can make you rich”], ''Vox'', (Sep 1, 2017)

*two years into the Trump administration it was obvious to people why we needed unapologetic progressives in the House. The vile, white supremacist, sexist, bigoted Trump administration spewed lies, targeted Black and brown women elected officials, made a mockery of our democracy, and emboldened fascists. 
**[[Cori Bush]] The Forerunner: A Story of Pain and Perseverance in America (2022) p 227

* '''He's an ass.'''
** [[George H. W. Bush]] in 2011 interviewed by [[Maureen Dowd]] of ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'' ({{cite news |first=Maureen |last=Dowd |authorlink=Maureen Dowd |date=December 2, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |title=The Patrician President and the Reporterette: A Screwball Story |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/02/opinion/george-hw-bush-maureen-dowd.html |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]}}; {{cite news |url=https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/05/politics/presidents-club-trump-bush-funeral/index.html |agency=[[w:CNN|CNN]] |title=Uneasy presidents club convenes at Bush funeral |first1=Kevin |last1=Liptak |first2=Jeff |last2=Zeleny |authorlink2=w:Jeff Zeleny |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018}}; {{cite news |title=George W. Bush Eulogizes 'Best Father' at Solemn State Funeral |magazine=[[w:Fortune (magazine)|Fortune]] |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |agency=[[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg News]] |url=http://fortune.com/2018/12/05/george-hw-bush-eulogy-funeral/}}; {{cite news |title=George W. Bush Eulogizes ‘Best Father' at Solemn State Funeral |first=Jennifer |last=Epstein |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |agency=[[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg News]] |url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-12-05/trump-bush-family-set-aside-mutual-disdain-for-state-funeral}}; {{cite book |title=The Year of Voting Dangerously: The Derangement of American Politics |first=Maureen |last=Dowd |authorlink=Maureen Dowd |publisher=[[w:Grand Central Publishing|Grand Central Publishing]] |year=2016 |isbn=9781455539246}}; {{cite news |title=Trump breaks character in show of respect for George H.W. Bush |newspaper=[[w:Newsday|Newsday]] |first1=William |last1=Goldschlag |first2=Dan |last2=Janison |date=December 3, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |url=https://www.newsday.com/long-island/politics/trump-bush-mueller-china-nafta-1.24156908}})

* '''We've seen nationalism distorted into nativism – forgotten the dynamism that [[immigration]] has always brought to America. We see a fading confidence in the value of [[Free market|free markets]] and international trade – forgetting that conflict, instability, and poverty follow in the wake of [[w:Protectionism|protectionism]].'''
** [[George W. Bush]], indirectly referencing Trump, [https://www.npr.org/2017/10/19/558788556/george-w-bush-slams-bigotry-politics-of-populism-that-led-to-trump-sanders &quot;George W. Bush Slams 'Bigotry,' Politics Of Populism That Led To Trump, Sanders&quot;], ''[[w:NPR|NPR]]'', (October 19, 2017)

* Whatever his views are this morning, they might change this afternoon, and they were different than they were last night, and they'll be different tomorrow. ... They seem to be ever, ever-changing, depending on what crowd he's in front of. Sounds like a typical politician, by the way, where you get in front of one crowd and say one thing, and then say something else to another crowd that may want to hear a different view. All the things that Donald Trump railed against, he seems to be morphing into — it's kind of disturbing. ... He doesn't believe in things, this is all a game.
** [[Jeb Bush]], about Trump's views — ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/jeb-bush-says-hes-not-buying-the-trump-immigration-shift?utm_term=.xtWW3bwaw#.iaPobDJKJ Jeb Bush Says He's Not Buying The Trump Immigration Shift]'', ''{{w|BuzzFeed}}'' (August 25, 2016)

*Donald Trump Is Bad for Israel via @NYTimes. Hopefully our President will reverse his decision to abandon [[Syria]].
**[[Jeb Bush]] on [https://twitter.com/jebbush/status/1078111467558313984 26 December 2018]

* [[Donald Trump]] destroyed the Reagan Republican paradigm in 2016, but he didn’t exactly elucidate a new set of ideas, policies, and alliances. Trump’s devastation of the old order produced a grand struggle on the right to build a new one on Trumpian populist lines. &lt;br&gt;The NatCons are wrong to think there is a unified thing called “the left” that hates America. This is just the apocalyptic menace many of them had to invent in order to justify their decision to vote for Donald Trump. &lt;br&gt;They are wrong, too, to think there is a wokeist Anschluss taking over all the institutions of American life. For people who spend so much time railing about the evils of social media, they sure seem to spend an awful lot of their lives on [[Twitter]]. Ninety percent of their discourse is about the discourse. Anecdotalism was also rampant at the conference—generalizing from three anecdotes about people who got canceled to conclude that all of American life is a woke hellscape. They need to get out more. ** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/scary-future-american-right-national-conservatism-conference/620746/ The Terrifying Future of the American Right (18 November 2021), ''The Atlantic'']

* In 1995, when he offered this company, if a monkey had thrown a dart, at the stock page, the monkey on average would've made 150 percent. But the people that believed in him, who listened to his siren song, ended up losing well over 90 cents in the dollar. They got back less than a dime.
** [https://www.reuters.com/article/usa-election-buffett-idCNW1N1A004G Warren Buffett]

=== C ===
[[File:Donald Trump supporters (25218962886).jpg|thumb|They love him in spite of everything they've heard. They love him, often, in spite of himself. They're not deluded. They know exactly who Trump is. They love him anyway. They love Donald Trump because no one else loves them. ~ [[Tucker Carlson]]]]

* Hillary is stealing America, whereas Donald Trump is trying to save our society.
** [[Herman Cain]], on &quot;{{w|Hannity}}&quot; (29 July 2016) [http://www.foxnews.com/transcript/2016/07/29/reince-priebus-reality-will-catch-up-with-hillary-clinton-gorka-dnc-has-been/ transcript]

*If this guy pretends that closing the borders to anywhere either for trade (or) for people is going to provide prosperity to the United States, he is completely crazy... He is not very well informed.
** [[w:Felipe Calderón|Felipe Calderón]], [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/02/08/mexico-wont-pay-single-cent-for-trumps-stupid-wall.html interview with CNBC] (6 February 2016).

* If he came to visit [[United Kingdom|our country]], I think he would unite us all against him.
** [[David Cameron]], as quoted in [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/01/18/politics/donald-trump-uk-united-kingdom-ban/index.html &quot;Donald Trump debate: Could UK really ban him?&quot;] (18 January 2016), by Max Foster, ''CNN'', [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]]: Cable News Network

* He's a talker, a boaster, a booster, a compulsive self-promoter. At times, he's a full-blown BS artist.
** [[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in ''[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-tucker-carlson-fox-news-liar-inauguration-election-a9222061.html Fox News host Tucker Carlson admits media is right about Trump's lying: 'He's a full-blown BS artist']'' by Conrad Duncan, 28 November 2019, ''{{w|The Independent}}''

* You can regularly say embarrassing things on [[television]], you can hire [[Omarosa Manigault Newman|Omarosa]] to work at the White House. All of that will be forgiven if you protect your people. But if you do not protect them... then you’re done.
** [[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in ''[https://www.thedailybeast.com/tucker-carlson-blames-jared-kushner-for-trumps-protest-catastrophe Tucker Carlson Blames Jared Kushner for Trump’s Protest Catastrophe]'' by Justin Baragona, ''Daily Beast'' (June 1, 2020)

* Millions of Americans sincerely love Donald Trump. '''They love him in spite of everything they've heard. They love him, often, in spite of himself. They're not deluded. They know exactly who Trump is. They love him anyway. They love Donald Trump because no one else loves them.''' The country they built, the country their ancestors fought for over hundreds of years, has left them to die in unfashionable little towns, mocked and despised by the sneering halfwits with finance degrees -- but no actual skills -- who seem to run everything all of a sudden. Whatever Donald Trump's faults, he is better than the rest of the people in charge. At least he doesn't hate them for their weakness. Donald Trump, in other words, is and has always been a living indictment of the people who run this country. That was true four years ago when he came out of nowhere to win the presidency. And it's every bit as true right now, maybe even more true than it's ever been. It will remain true regardless of whether Donald Trump wins reelection.
**[[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in {{citation|date=November 2, 2020|first=Tucker|last=Carlson|periodical=Fox News|url=https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/tucker-carlson-2020-election-trump-supporters-love-him|title=Tucker Carlson: Why Donald Trump's supporters love him so much}}; {{citation|date=November 2, 2020|first=Christina|last=Zhao|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/tucker-carlson-says-millions-americans-love-donald-trump-because-no-one-else-loves-them-1544219|title=Tucker Carlson Says Millions of Americans Love Donald Trump 'Because No One Else Loves Them'}}

* I've come to know Donald Trump, he is actually a very intelligent man who cares deeply about America.
** [[Ben Carson]] endorsing Donald Trump, as quoted in [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/politics/6994118/He-is-actually-a-very-intelligent-man-Former-candidate-Ben-Carson-endorses-Donald-Trump.html &quot;'He is actually a very intelligent man'; Former candidate Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump&quot;] by Alain Tolhurst, ''The Sun'' (11 March 2016)

* The American people are smart enough to pick a new administration if they don’t like the old one. And they just did.
* He was removed by the voters.
** Bruce Castor, lawyer for Trump, said after Trump lost the 2020 election, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-02-09
 | title = WATCH: Lawyer for Trump concedes he lost election during impeachment trial
 | newspaper = PBS News Hour
 | url = https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/watch-lawyer-for-trump-concedes-he-lost-election-during-impeachment-trial
}}

*Trump hit the established world of American politics like a rogue wave, obliterating almost all political precedent. He'd begun his campaign by suggesting that most undocumented Mexican immigrants were rapists and murderers, then later accused an American-born federal judge who was presiding over fraud claims against Trump University of being unable to do his job because of his Mexican heritage.
**[[Julian Castro]] ''An Unlikely Journey: Waking Up from My American Dream'' (2018)

*what I think is important for folks to realize out there — and now I’m speaking, you know, directly to the Latinx community — is that it’s night and day with Joe Biden versus Donald Trump. Donald Trump has been the cruelest, most ill-intentioned president when it comes to not only immigrants, migrants, but the broader Latino community, scapegoated the community, otherized the community, uses it as a political piñata. And Joe Biden is somebody who brings compassion, who brings understanding, and, most importantly — because what you want to judge politicians on is, OK, what are you going to do, and what is your track record — has a track record of expanding opportunity, with Barack Obama. The Affordable Care Act expanded healthcare to 4 million — more than 4 million Latinx folks in this country. On educational opportunity, on violence against women, on housing opportunity. I remember going to [[Delaware]] with him — I think it was Veterans Day of 2016 — and marking the effective end of veteran homelessness there in Wilmington, and seeing how much that meant to him. So, this is somebody that is going to work to make life better for everybody in this country, in a way that Donald Trump — as Michelle Obama pointed out, Donald Trump just isn’t up to it and doesn’t want to do it.
**[[Julian Castro]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/8/18/julian_castro_dnc_latinx_representation Interview] with Democracy Now (August 2020)

* Okay, look, this is weird. Because a lot of people on both sides are saying there's nothing funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus. And those people are obviously wrong. There's a lot funny about this. Maybe not from a moral standpoint. But mathematically, if you were constructing a joke, this has all the ingredients you need. The problem is, it’s almost too funny. Like, it’s so on the nose. It would be like if I were making fun of people who wear belts and my pants just immediately fell down.
** [[Michael Che]] on ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'', October 3, 2020, quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2020/10/04/snl-premiere-trump-covid-jim-carrey-joe-biden/ &quot;SNL premiere does not hold back on jokes about Trump’s coronavirus diagnosis: ‘It’s almost too funny’&quot;], ''The Washington Post''.

* [[Trump]] probably met discharge requirements Sunday
** [[w:Sean Conley|Dr Sean Conley]] (Physician to the President) via [https://www.cnbc.com/video/2020/10/05/dr-conley-trump-probably-met-discharge-requirements-sunday.html cnbc video]on October 5, 2020

*The myriad vulgarities of Donald Trump—examples of which are retailed daily on Web sites and front pages these days—are not news to those of us who have been living downwind of him for any period of time. I first encountered Trump more than 30 years ago. Back then he was a flashy go-getter from an outer borough eager to make his name in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]] real estate. Which he succeeded in doing in the only way he knew how: by putting his name in oversize type on anything he was associated with—buildings, yes, but also [[vodka]], golf courses, starchy ties, and even a sham of a [[Real estate|real-estate]] school... Just to drive him a little bit crazy, I took to referring to him as a &quot;short-fingered vulgarian&quot; in the pages of ''Spy'' magazine. That was more than a quarter of a century ago. To this day, I receive the occasional envelope from Trump. There is always a photo of him—generally a tear sheet from a magazine. On all of them he has circled his hand in gold Sharpie in a valiant effort to highlight the length of his fingers.
** {{w|Graydon Carter}}, [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/10/graydon-carter-donald-trump &quot;Why Donald Trump Will Always Be a &quot;Short-Fingered Vulgarian&quot;], ''Vanity Fair'' (November 2015)

* I think I would choose Trump, which may surprise some of you, but the reason is Trump has proven already that he's completely malleable. I don't think he has any fixed opinions that he would really go to the White House and fight for. [[Ted Cruz]] is not malleable. He has {{w|far right-wing}} policies, in my opinion, that would be pursued aggressively if and when he would become president.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] to the {{w|House of Lords}}, when asked about the {{w|2016 United States presidential election}}. As quoted in ''[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jimmy-carter-i-would-choose-donald-trump-over-ted-cruz/ Jimmy Carter: I would choose Donald Trump over Ted Cruz]'' (February 3, 2016) by Stephanie Condon, ''{{w|CBS News}}''

* I think the media have been harder on Trump than any other president certainly that I’ve known about, I think they feel free to claim that Trump is mentally deranged and everything else without hesitation.
** [[Jimmy Carter]], as quoted in [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/10/22/jimmy-carter-media-has-been-harder-trump-than-predecessors/788558001/ &quot;Jimmy Carter: The media has been harder on Trump than predecessors&quot;] by David Jackson, ''[[w:USA Today|USA Today]]'', (October 22, 2017)

*At times he is extremely abrasive. I know that's kind of his campaign, but I think time will tell, he's already locked up in some controversial business and it certainly doesn't speak proudly for America that the person who sits in the Oval Office is involved in controversy, so that's never a good thing, but time will tell, a man's legacy is defined by time.
** [[John Cena]], as quoted in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-4642784/If-John-Cena-got-ring-Donald-Trump.html &quot;If John Cena 'got in the ring' with Donald Trump&quot;] by Alex Michael, ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' (27 June 2017)

*I can no longer in good conscience endorse this person for president. {{W|Donald Trump and Billy Bush recording|It}} is some of the most abhorrent and offensive comments that you can possibly imagine. My wife and I, we have a 15-year-old daughter, and if I can't look her in the eye and tell her these things, I can't endorse this person.
** {{w|Jason Chaffetz}}, [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/10/08/jason_chaffetz_pulls_trump_endorsement_because_he_has_a_15_year_old_daughter.html Jason Chaffetz Pulls Trump Endorsement Because He Has a 15-Year-Old Daughter] (October 2016)

*We're all tying ourselves in knots about what Donald Trump said about Mexicans... Just as [[Dylann Roof]] doesn't represent [[white people]], Mexican rapists don't represent anyone other than themselves either... While I like a good brawl as much as the next person, it seems that Trump is the answer only if the question is: Why can't we get more oafish egomaniacs into politics? Just when the Republican Party needs finesse and sensitivity when discussing immigration; just when it needs to focus on issues that unite all sectors of the electorate, including Hispanic and Asian voters; it gets a blowhard with all the nuance of a grenade... Trump's smear about [[Mexican Americans|Mexican immigrants]] was about as far away as you can get from Ronald Reagan... He tarred most Mexican immigrants as drug dealers, criminals, and rapists, allowing only as an afterthought that some may be good people. He claimed to have discussed the matter with border guards. Would those officers please step forward? In any case, crude and vulgar people always preen that they are brave truth tellers.
** {{w|Mona Charen}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/420974/donald-trump-immigration-controversy-helps-democrats &quot;The Trump Sideshow Plays Right into Democrats' Hands&quot;] (10 July 2015), ''{{w|National Review}}''

*Put aside for a moment Trump's countless past departures from conservative principle on defense, racial quotas, abortion, taxes, single-payer health care, and immigration. That's right. In 2012, he derided Mitt Romney for being too aggressive on the question, and he's made extensive use of illegal-immigrant labor in his serially bankrupt businesses. The man has demonstrated an emotional immaturity bordering on personality disorder, and it ought to disqualify him from being a mayor, to say nothing of a commander-in-chief. Trump has made a career out of egotism, while conservatism implies a certain modesty about government. The two cannot mix... When a con man swindles you, you can sue—as many embittered former Trump associates who thought themselves ill used have done. When you elect a con man, there's no recourse.
** {{w|Mona Charen}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''.

*It seems, at times, as though your administration’s approach has more in common with Obama’s foreign policy than traditional Republican foreign policy.
** [[Dick Cheney]], speaking to Mike Pence, [https://www.politico.com/story/2019/03/11/cheney-mike-pence-foreign-policy-1216663 &quot;Cheney grills Pence on Trump's foreign policy&quot;], ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'', (March 11, 2019)

* In our nation’s 248-year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump.  He tried to steal the last election using lies and violence to keep himself in power after the voters had rejected him. He can never be trusted with power again.&lt;br&gt;As citizens, we each have a duty to put country above partisanship to defend our Constitution.  That is why I will be casting my vote for Vice President Kamala Harris.
** [[Dick Cheney]], quoted in [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dick-cheney-voting-kamala-harris_n_66db4cf4e4b07b62af62c35a &quot;Dick Cheney Is Voting For Kamala Harris&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (September 6, 2024)

* I don't believe that he should be playing a role in the future of the party or the country.
** [[Liz Cheney]], House GOP Conference Chair, R-Wyo., the third-ranking House Republican, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/awkward-moment-house-republican-leaders-clash-trump-speaking/story?id=76090236 &quot;Awkward moment as House Republican leaders clash over Trump speaking at CPAC&quot;], Benjamin Siegel, ABC News (24 February 2021)

*President Trump has built the most powerful and most professional team in political history and, under his leadership, has overcome every single obstacle in his way. From the illegal witch-hunts to the weaponization of the justice system to an assassination attempt to the political coup of replacing Biden, the enemies of America will stop at nothing to prevent President Trump from returning to the White House. 
**Steven Cheung, Trump campaign spokesman, as quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-and-his-campaign-enter-turbulent-phase-in-final-weeks/ar-AA1qXkYW Trump and his campaign enter turbulent phase in final weeks], ''The Washington Post'' (September 21, 2024)

* It's pretty easy to tell if a picture of Donald Trump is AI-Generated, okay? Here's the trick: If Donald Trump is in a picture and looks completely insane, then it's a real picture.
** [[Ronny Chieng]], ''[[The Daily Show]]'' (5 March 2024)

*'''[President Trump] is perfectly right when he says we should have better relations with [[Russia]]'''. Being dragged through the mud for that is outlandish... 
** [[Noam Chomsky]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/7/27/noam_chomsky_on_mass_media_obsession ''Noam Chomsky on Mass Media Obsession with Russia &amp; the Stories Not Being Covered in the Trump Era''],  ''[[w:Democracy Now!|Democracy Now!]]'' (27 July 2018)

* The scale of [[Coronavirus pandemic|the plague]] is surprising, indeed shocking, but not its appearance...Trump has reacted during his years in office in the manner to which we have become accustomed: by defunding and dismantling every relevant part of government and assiduously implementing the instructions of his [[Corporatocracy|corporate masters]] to eliminate the [[regulation]]s that impede profits while saving lives — and leading the race to the abyss of {{w|environmental catastrophe}}, by far his greatest crime — in fact, the greatest crime in history when we consider the consequences. 
** [[Noam Chomsky]], in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump was not silent, however. He issued a stream of confident [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States#President Trump|pronouncements]] informing the public that it was just a cough; he has everything under control; he gets a 10 out of 10 for his handling of the crisis; it’s very serious but he knew it was a pandemic before anyone else; and the rest of the sorry performance. The technique is well-designed, much like the practice of reeling out lies so fast that the very concept of truth vanishes. Whatever happens, Trump is sure to be vindicated among his loyal followers.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Donald is a leader. He is a successful person that, like me, isn't afraid to tell it like it is. Our system is broken and it won't be fixed from the inside. I am proud to offer my endorsement of his candidacy for President.
** [[Chris Christie]], endorsing Donald Trump for President, at a campaign rally in Fort Worth, TX [http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2016/feb/26/us-election-2016-campaign-live-trump-rubio-cruz-super-tuesday-clinton-sanders] (2016)

*Please stop it with voting for Trump. It was funny for a little while. But the guy is [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. And by that I mean that we are being Germany in the 30s. Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over.
*Trump is not your best. He's the worst of all of us. He's a symptom to a problem that is very real. But don't vote for your own cancer. You're better than that.
** [[Louis C.K.]] in an email to fans, quoted in [http://variety.com/2016/tv/news/louis-c-k-donald-trump-insane-bigot-dangerous-1201723679/ Louis C.K. Compares Donald Trump to Hitler: ‘He's an Insane Bigot']  (2016)

*Using Aiden as a political tool is, to say the least, reprehensible for any political purpose. They make it seem as though our wonderful Aiden appreciates your hate that we should follow their hate. Morally bankrupt politicians – Bernie Moreno, Chip Roy, J.D. Vance and Donald Trump – they have spoken my son’s name and used his death for political gain.&lt;br&gt;They can vomit all the hate they want about illegal immigrants, the Border crisis and even untrue claims about fluffy pets being ravaged and eaten by community members. However they are not allowed nor have they ever been allowed to mention Aiden Clark from Springfield Ohio. &lt;br&gt;Please stop the hate.
**Nathan Clark, father of Aiden Clark, boy killed in a car accident involving a Haitian driver in Springfield, Ohio, speaking on the night of the first debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump, quoted in [https://haitiantimes.com/2024/09/11/haitian-immigrants-in-ohio-under-racist-attacks/ Haitian families in Ohio under attack as racist claims spread], ''The Haitian Times'' (September 10, 2024)

* A Trump supporter, a middle-aged woman, was asked how she felt about Trump's comments that being a celebrity meant women could expect him to grope their private parts. The woman said he would never have said it if Trump had known he was being recorded. That made me laugh.
** [[John Cleese]], as quoted in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/john-cleese-how-donald-trump-is-stealing-comedians-best-lines-1030458 &quot;John Cleese on How Donald Trump Is Stealing Comedians' Best Lines&quot;] by Nick Holdsworth, ''[[w:The Hollywood Reporter|The Hollywood Reporter]]'', (August 17, 2017)

* Donald Trump has been uncommonly nice to [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and me. We're all [[New York]]ers. And I like him. And I love playing golf with him.
** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in [http://www.salon.com/2012/06/04/bill_clinton_said_what/singleton/ &quot;Bill Clinton Said What?&quot;], ''Salon'' (4 June 2012)

* He mostly talks about himself. So the next time you hear him, don't count the lies. Count the I's.
** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/08/22/dnc-day-3-takeaways-walz-bill-clinton-pelosi-speech/ &quot;5 takeaways from the Democratic convention and Tim Walz on Day 3&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (August 22, 2024)

* '''He's a master brander, and he's the most interesting character out there. And...he says something that overrides the ideological differences. There is a macho appeal to saying, 'I'm just sick of nothing happening. I'll make things – vote for me.''''
** [[Bill Clinton]] on CBS '[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|Late Show]]' — {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-06
 | title = Bill Clinton to Stephen Colbert: Donald Trump Has a &quot;Macho Appeal&quot;
 | author = Ryan Gajewski
 | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter
 | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/bill-clinton-donald-trump-has-830195
}}

*Despite what you hear, we don't need to make America great again. America has never stopped being great. But we do need to make America whole again. Instead of building walls, we need to be tearing down barriers.
**[[Hillary Clinton]], [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-dem-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/02/hillary-clinton-donald-trump-slogan-219908 speech] (February 2016)

* We cannot let him roll the dice with America.
**[[Hillary Clinton]] during an election speech, as quoted on [https://www.boston.com/news/politics/2016/06/02/hillary-clinton-trump-cannot-let-roll-dice-america boston.com], 2 June 2016

* It is insufficient to state the obvious of Donald Trump: that he is a white man who would not be president were it not for this fact. With one immediate exception, Trump's predecessors made their way to high office through the passive power of whiteness—that bloody heirloom which cannot ensure mastery of all events but can conjure a tailwind for most of them. Land theft and human plunder cleared the grounds for Trump's forefathers and barred others from it. Once upon the field, these men became soldiers, statesmen, and scholars; held court in Paris; presided at Princeton; advanced into the Wilderness and then into the White House. Their individual triumphs made this exclusive party seem above America's founding sins, and it was forgotten that the former was in fact bound to the latter, that all their victories had transpired on cleared grounds. No such elegant detachment can be attributed to Donald Trump—a president who, more than any other, has made the awful inheritance explicit.
* Any empirical evaluation of the relationship between Trump and the white working class would reveal that one adjective in that phrase is doing more work than the other. In 2016, Trump enjoyed majority or plurality support among every economic branch of whites. It is true that his strongest support among whites came from those making $50,000 to $99,999. This would be something more than working-class in many nonwhite neighborhoods, but even if one accepts that branch as the working class, the difference between how various groups in this income bracket voted is revealing. Sixty-one percent of whites in this &quot;working class&quot; supported Trump. Only 24 percent of Hispanics and 11 percent of blacks did. Indeed, the plurality of all voters making less than $100,000 and the majority making less than $50,000 voted for the Democratic candidate. So when [[George Packer|[George] Packer]] laments [in the ''New Yorker''] the fact that &quot;Democrats can no longer really claim to be the party of working people—not white ones, anyway,&quot; he commits a kind of category error. The real problem is that Democrats aren't the party of white people—working or otherwise. White workers are not divided by the fact of labor from other white demographics; they are divided from all other laborers by the fact of their whiteness.
* Obama himself, underestimating Trump and thus underestimating the power of [[Whiteness studies|whiteness]], believed the Republican nominee too objectionable to actually win. In this Obama was, tragically, wrong. And so the most powerful country in the world has handed over all its affairs—the prosperity of its entire economy; the security of its 300 million citizens; the purity of its water, the viability of its air, the safety of its food; the future of its vast system of education; the soundness of its national highways, airways, and railways; the apocalyptic potential of its nuclear arsenal—to a carnival barker who introduced the phrase &quot;grab 'em by the pussy&quot; into the national lexicon. It is as if the white tribe united in demonstration to say, &quot;If a black man can be president, then any white man—no matter how fallen—can be president.&quot;
**[[Ta-Nehisi Coates]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/the-first-white-president-ta-nehisi-coates/537909/ &quot;The First White President,&quot;] The Atlantic, October 2017 issue.

* I would never trust him to follow the law. We're dealing with a dangerous egomaniac who has no control of himself, recognizes no limits, no bounds and does not recognize the constraints of law or anything else.
** {{W|Eliot A. Cohen}}, in [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/analysis-vengeful-world-donald-trump-why-it-matters-n671721 Analysis: The Vengeful World of Donald Trump, and Why It Matters], at NBC News; published October 31, 2016

*  [[Donald Trump]] never thought he was going to win this election, he actually did not want to win this election, this was supposed to be the greatest infomercial in the history of politics. If you take that line, and you add the to it the Trump a la Moscow project, you'll understand that this was a branding deal, that's all the presidential campaign started out as.. there only one problem, one problem, he won.
** [[Michael Cohen]] on the [[Rachel Maddow] Show on [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/cohen-trump-2016-campaign-was-just-a-branding-opportunity-91291717556  September 8, 2020]

* Apart from his wife and children, I knew Trump better than anyone else did. In some ways, I knew him better than even his family did because I bore witness to the real man, in strip clubs, shady business meetings, and in the unguarded moments when he revealed who he really was: a cheat, a liar, a fraud, a bully, a racist, a predator, a con man... He has no one he trusts to keep his secrets. For ten years, he certainly had me, and I was always there for him, and look what happened to me. I urge you to really consider that fact: Trump has no true friends. He has lived his entire life avoiding and evading taking responsibility for his actions. He crushed or cheated all who stood in his way, but I know where the skeletons are buried because I was the one who buried them
** [[Michael Cohen (lawyer)|Michael Cohen]], as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-08-13
 | title = Michael Cohen offers preview of tell-all Trump book: 'I know where the skeletons are buried'
 | author = Joseph A Wulfsohn
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://www.foxnews.com/politics/michael-cohen-trump-disloyal-skeletons
}}

*A warning label should be affixed to Trump's forehead.
**Richard Cohen, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/reince-priebus-fool/2016/05/16/decae58a-1b88-11e6-9c81-4be1c14fb8c8_story.html &quot;Reince Priebus, fool&quot;] (16 May 2016), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C.

* I can't believe he's doing this to me. Donald pisses ice water.
** {{W|Roy Cohn}}, upon being ostracized by Trump for having contracted HIV. (from {{W|Wayne Barrett}}'s 1992 ''Trump: The Deals and the Downfall'', as quoted in [https://www.forbes.com/sites/ralphbenko/2016/03/27/donald-trump-is-the-red-sanders-candidate-winning-isnt-everything-its-the-only-thing/#7c70fd80358c Donald Trump Is The 'Red' Sanders Candidate: 'Winning Isn't Everything; It's The Only Thing.'] at Forbes.com)

*A war crimes complaint has been filed against President Donald Trump, [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu]] and Trump adviser [[Jared Kushner]] in the [[International Criminal Court]] (ICC).... The complaint, filed by [[w:Middlesex University|Middlesex University]] law professor [[w:William Schabas|William Schabas]] on June 30 on behalf of four [[Palestinians]] who live in the [[w:West Bank|West Bank]], states “there is credible evidence” that Trump, Netanyahu and Kushner “are complicit in acts that may amount to [[war crimes]] relating to the transfer of populations into occupied territory and the annexation of the sovereign territory of the State of Palestine.” Under article 15 of the ICC’s [[w:Rome Statute|Rome Statute]], any individual, group or organization can bring a complaint to the Office of the Prosecutor. ... Schabas’ complaint comes on the heels of unusual moves last month from the Trump administration, which declared a “national emergency” in June in an effort to shield U.S. and Israeli officials from ICC accountability for war crimes and [[crimes against humanity]].
**[[Marjorie Cohn]]  in [https://truthout.org/articles/trump-is-trying-to-hide-us-and-israeli-war-crimes-by-attacking-the-icc/ ''Trump Is Trying to Hide US &amp; Israeli War Crimes by Attacking the International Criminal Court, TruthOut,''] (8 July 2020)
 
* There's a populism to Trump that I found very appealing. The party elders would like him to go away, but the people have decided that he is not going to... [T]here is something really hopeful about the fact that, well, 36 percent of the likely voters want him to win, so the people in the machine don't get to say otherwise.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/stephen-colbert-donald-trump-very-appealing &quot;Colbert: Trump's populism 'very appealing'&quot;] by Bradford Richardson, ''The Hill'' (23 December 2015)

* [[w:John_Dickerson_(journalist)|John Dickerson]] has way too much dignity to trade insults with the President of the United States to his face. But I, sir, am no John Dickerson. Let me introduce you to something we call the [[w:Tiffany_Network|Tiffany Way]]. When you insult one member of the CBS family, you insult us all. Bazinga. All right. Here we go. All right. Mr. Trump, your presidency, I love your presidency, I call it &quot;Disgrace the Nation&quot;. You're not the POTUS, you're the BLOATUS. You're the glutton with the button. You're a regular Gorge Washington. You're the presi-dunce, but you're turning into a real prick-tator. Sir, you attract more skinheads than free [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign-language gorilla who got hit in the head. In fact the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin's cock holster. Your {{w|presidential library}} is going to be a kids' menu and a couple of {{w|Juggs}} magazines. The only thing smaller than your hands is your &quot;tax returns&quot; [holds up little finger] and you can take that any way you want.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], during his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaHwlSTqA7s opening monologue] of ''{{w|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert}}'', after showing a clip of Trump calling the CBS reporter part of the &quot;fake media&quot; and referring to [[w:Face the Nation|his show]] as &quot;Deface the Nation&quot;. The Trump-designated chairman of the FCC, {{w|Ajit Pai}}, has since stated he would investigate the comedian for broadcasting this material (1 May 2017)

* '''There once was a man in Nantucket&lt;br&gt;Whose poll numbers really did suck it;&lt;br&gt;At least he is not&lt;br&gt;That orange pol pot&lt;br&gt;Who ate all his meals from a bucket.'''
** [[Stephen Colbert]]; limerick from his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8qFuh-qNaE opening monologue] of ''{{w|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert}}'' of 25 November 2021, after reading about [[President Biden]]'s revival of his family's tradition of visiting Nantucket at Thanksgiving.

* Do you know how bad of a job you have to be doing to get fired while you're getting fired?
** Steve Colbert, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-14
 | title = Late night hosts mock Trump's second impeachment: 'I wonder if he's tired of all the winning yet?'
 | author = Frank Pallotta
 | newspaper = CNN Business
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/14/media/late-night-trump-impeachment/index.html
}}

* Trump denied knowing that [[w:Serge Kovaleski|Serge]] (Kovaleski) was disabled, and demanded an apology, saying that anyone could see his imitation was of a flustered, frightened reporter, not a disabled person. It's true that Trump was not mimicking any mannerisms that Serge has. He doesn't jerk around or flail his arms. He's not retarded. He sits calmly, but if you look at his wrists, you'll see they are curved in. That's not the imitation Trump was doing—he was doing a standard retard, waving his arms and sounding stupid: &quot;'Ahhh, I don't know what I said—ahhh, I don't remember!' He's going, ‘Ahhh, I don't remember, maybe that's what I said!'&quot;
* There's nothing Trump can do that won't be forgiven, except change his immigration policies.
** ''In Trump We Trust'' [http://theslot.jezebel.com/ann-coulter-donald-trump-wasnt-mocking-reporters-disab-1785766218][http://www.nbcnews.com/card/real-quote-ann-coulters-new-book-n637676] (2016)

* Trump is an unreflective beneficiary of every sort of white privilege on offer, from his inherited fortune to his mass-media celebrity to his ability to lie with utter impunity about his career, his finances, and his easily documented record of public statements. If Barack Obama had committed but one of the transgressions Trump reveled in during his 2016 presidential run—deriding John McCain's war record, to take a comparatively minor instance—he would have suffered a torrent of righteous white moralizing that would have been unprecedented even in a country renowned for its righteous white moralizing. And if he'd been caught on tape bragging about a celebrity-enabled history of sexual assault—well, suffice it to say that it would have been a high-tech lynching on a scale that [[Clarence Thomas]] could scarcely begin to imagine.
**[[Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw]], ''[https://thebaffler.com/salvos/race-to-bottom-crenshaw Race to the Bottom: How the post-racial revolution became a whitewash]''

* President Trump doubled down Sunday on his push for the use of [[Hydroxychloroquine|an anti-malarial drug]] against the [[coronavirus]], issuing {{w|medical advice}} that goes well beyond scant evidence of the [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|drug’s effectiveness]] as well as the advice of doctors and {{w|public health}} experts. Mr. Trump’s recommendation of hydroxychloroquine, for the second day in a row at a White House briefing, was a striking example of his brazen willingness [[w:Veracity of statements by Donald Trump#Coronavirus pandemic|to distort and outright defy]] expert opinion and {{w|scientific evidence}} when it does not suit his [[w:Political agenda|agenda]].
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Standing alongside two top public health officials who have declined to endorse his call for widely administering the drug, Mr. Trump suggested that he was speaking on gut instinct and acknowledged that he had no [[expertise]] on the subject. Saying that the drug is “being tested now,” Mr. Trump said that “there are some very strong, powerful signs” of its potential, although health experts say that the data is extremely limited and that more study of the drug’s effectiveness against the coronavirus is needed. [...] Mr. Trump, who once predicted that the virus might “miraculously” disappear by April because of warm weather, and who has [[Denial|rejected]] {{w|scientific consensus}} on issues like [[w:Environmental policy of the Donald Trump administration#Climate change|climate change]], was undaunted by [[skeptical]] questioning. “What do you have to lose?” Mr. Trump asked, for the second day in a row, saying that [[w:Terminal illness|terminally ill]] patients should be willing [[w:Terminal illness#Continued treatment|to try any treatment]] that has shown some promise.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Even as Mr. Trump has promoted the drug, which is also often prescribed for patients with {{w|lupus}}, it has created rifts within his own coronavirus task force. And while many [[w:Medical centers in the United States|hospitals]] have chosen to use hydroxychloroquine in a desperate attempt to treat dying patients who have few other options, others have noted that it carries [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#Side effects|serious risks]]. In particular, the drug can cause a {{w|heart arrhythmia}} that can lead to {{w|cardiac arrest}}.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Hydroxychloroquine has not been proved to work against Covid-19 in any significant clinical trials. A small trial by Chinese researchers made public last week found that it helped speed the recovery in moderately ill patients, but the study was not peer-reviewed and had significant limitations. Earlier reports from France and China have drawn criticism because they did not include control groups to compare treated patients with untreated ones, and researchers have called the reports anecdotal. Without controls, they said, it is impossible to determine whether the drugs worked. But Mr. Trump on Sunday dismissed the notion that doctors should wait for further study.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* I have been pointing out, and I have been screaming to the rooftops, that Donald Trump is the Charlie Sheen of politics. [...] I have to tell you, I love Charlie Sheen, I loved working with him when he was sober, but he was, he's full of shit. He has been full of shit, you know, he has serious addiction. You know, his addiction is obviously serious, drugs, and, but, Trump is just addicted to feeling important. You know, and I think if anybody is under the delusion that he cares about, uh, uh, anybody in America besides himself, they are, they are stoned and need to rethink their priorities, 'cause he's, you know, 'cause it's just ridiculous that's he's gotten as far as he has. 
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Cryer Jon Cryer] on the May 5, 2016, episode of the podcast Never Not Funny.

*When the voters examine Donald, they'll discover he actually embodies Washington corruption, the Washington deal-making that they're so angry about.
**[[Ted Cruz]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/sen-ted-cruz-on-donald-trump-post-super-tuesday-strongest-campaign/ interview with Charlie Rose] (1 March 2016), ''CBS This Morning''

*People are asking themselves, 'How would we feel if our children came in repeating the words of the president of the United States if that president was Donald Trump?' And if it would embarrass you to have your children repeat the words of the president, that's not a good thing... A president should unify us, should appeal to our better angels, should appeal to our shared values that make America who we are.
** [[Ted Cruz]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-cruz-criticizes-donald-trump-a-president-should-not-embarrass-election-2016/ interview with John Dickerson] (March 2016), ''Face the Nation''

*It's not easy to tick me off... I don't get angry often. But you mess with my wife, you mess with my kids; that'll do it every time. Donald, you're a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone.
** [[Ted Cruz]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-cruz-bashes-sniveling-coward-donald-trump/ &quot;Cruz calls Trump &quot;sniveling coward&quot; and says 'leave Heidi the hell alone'&quot;] (24 March 2016), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News''

* Let me be clear: Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire [[w:Ratfucking|to copulate]] with him.
** [[Ted Cruz]], as quoted in [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a43332/ted-cruz-donald-trump-rat-copulate/ Ted Cruz Will Do Anything for Love, But He Won't Do Rats] [25 March 2016], by Matt Miller, ''Esquire''

[[File:Mark cuban 2.jpg|thumb|The best thing to happen to politics in a long long time. ~[[Mark Cuban]]]]
* The best thing to happen to politics in a long long time. I don't care what his actual positions are. I don't care if he says the wrong thing. He says what's on his mind. He gives honest answers rather than prepared answers. This is more important than anything any candidate has done in years.
** [[Mark Cuban]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-27
 | title = Mark Cuban: Congrats, Donald: You're best thing to happen to politics in a long time
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Dallas Mavericks Blog
 | url = http://mavsblog.dallasnews.com/2015/07/mark-cuban-congrats-donald-youre-best-thing-to-happen-to-politics-in-a-long-time.html/
}}

[[File:Mark Cuban by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|The [[Trump]] that stole [[Christmas]] ~[[Mark Cuban]]]]
* The [[Trump]] that stole [[Christmas]]
**  [[Mark Cuban]] according to [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/from-shark-tank-campaign-trail-mark-cuban-teams-up-kamala-harris From the 'Shark Tank' to the campaign trail: Mark Cuban teams up with Kamala Harris] (October 17, 2024)

==== Hillary Clinton, speech in Warren, Michigan (August 11, 2016) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016) &lt;/small&gt;

* He's made a career out of stiffing small businesses from [[w:Atlantic City, New Jersey|Atlantic City]] to [[Las Vegas]]. There are companies that were left hanging because he refused to pay their bills. A lot of those companies scraped together what the could [sic] to pay their employees, and many of them put their businesses at risk and some of them ended up taking bankruptcy. It wasn't because Trump couldn't pay them, it was because he wouldn't pay them.

* It's just not right that Donald Trump can ignore his debts, but students and families can't refinance their debt.

* Mr. Trump may talk a big game on trade, but his approach is based on fear, not strength. Fear that we can't compete with the rest of the world even when the rules are fair. Fear that our country has no choice but to hide behind walls.

* Let's remember where Trump makes many of his own products. Because it sure is not America. ... One positive thing Trump could do to make America great again is actually make great things in America again.

* Trump would roll back the tough rules that we have imposed on the [[Financial market|Financial Industry]]. I'll do the opposite – I think we should strengthen those rules so that [[Wall Street]] can never wreck Main Street again.

* He called for a new tax loophole – let's call it the Trump Loophole – because it would allow him to pay less than half the current tax rate on income from many of his companies. He'd pay a lower rate than millions of middle class families.

* He's making a big promise. But his advisors have said, his own advisors have said, he may not stand by them. ... One of the differences between Donald Trump and me is I'm telling you what I will do, I'm laying out my plans, and I will stand by them, and I want you to hold me accountable for delivering results. This all reminds me of that old saying, ‘if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.'

* Guaranteeing equal pay won't just increase paychecks for women – it will boost family budgets and get incomes rising across the board.  And I don't understand why Trump's against that. Paid family leave won't only make life easier for Moms and Dads – it will also keep skilled, talented Americans in the workforce and grow our economy. That's why every other advanced country already has it. Again, he's against it. Raising the federal minimum wage won't just put more money in the pockets of low-income families – it also means they will spend more at the businesses in their neighborhoods. Trump's against that as well.

* Based on what we know from the Trump campaign, he wants America to work for him and his friends, at the expense of everyone else.

==== Hillary Clinton, speech in Reno, Nevada (August 25, 2016) ====
&lt;small&gt; Speech in {{w|Reno, Nevada}}. Transcript by ''[[w:Vox (website)|Vox]]'' [http://www.vox.com/2016/8/25/12647810/hillary-clinton-speech-alt-right] (August 25, 2016) &lt;/small&gt;

* Donald Trump has built his campaign on prejudice and paranoia. He's taking [[w:Hate groups|hate groups]] mainstream and helping a radical fringe take over one of America's two major political parties. His disregard for the values that make our country great is profoundly dangerous. In just the past week, under the guise of &quot;outreach&quot; to African Americans, Trump has stood up in front of largely white audiences and described black communities in insulting and ignorant terms.

* Donald Trump misses so much. He doesn't see the success of black leaders in every field… The vibrancy of [[w:African-American Businesses|black-owned businesses]]…Or the strength of the black church… He doesn't see the excellence of [[historically black colleges and universities]] or the pride of black parents watching their children thrive… And he certainly doesn't have any solutions to take on the reality of systemic racism and create more equity and opportunity in communities of color. It takes a lot of nerve to ask people he's ignored and mistreated for decades, &quot;What do you have to lose?&quot; The answer is everything!

* Trump's lack of knowledge or experience or solutions would be bad enough. But what he's doing here is more sinister. Trump is reinforcing harmful stereotypes and offering a dog whistle to his most hateful supporters. It's a disturbing preview of what kind of President he'd be.

* A man with a long history of racial discrimination, who traffics in dark conspiracy theories drawn from the pages of supermarket tabloids and the far reaches of the internet, should never run our government or command our military. If he doesn't respect respect all Americans, he can't serve all Americans! ... There's no other Donald Trump. This is it.

* Well, throughout his career and this campaign, Donald Trump has shown us exactly who he is. We should believe him. When Trump was getting his start in business, he was sued by the Justice Department for refusing to rent apartments to black and Latino tenants. Three years later, the Justice Department took Trump back to court because he hadn't changed. The pattern continued through the decades.

* Someone detached from reality should never be in charge of making decisions that are as real as they come.

* He'd abolish the bedrock constitutional principle that says if you're born in the United States, you're an American citizen. He says that children born in America to undocumented parents are, quote, &quot;anchor babies&quot; and should be deported. Millions of them.

* He'd ban Muslims around the world – 1.5 billion men, women, and children –from entering our country just because of their religion.

* Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, America has distinguished itself as a haven for people fleeing religious persecution. Under Donald Trump, America would distinguish itself as the only country in the world to impose a religious test at the border.

* Trump likes to say he only hires the &quot;best people.&quot; But he's had to fire so many campaign managers it's like an episode of the Apprentice.

=== D ===
*he’s spewing white supremacist views that have real consequences in the lives of ordinary people...I think he needs to realize that what he’s saying, from the biggest bully pulpit in the whole world, is affecting individual people. I don’t know that he cares, because I think he’s just spewing these things, and I think, in part, this was also—you know, this is what he believes.
**[[Edwidge Danticat]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/1/12/completely_racist_edwidge_danticat_on_trumps Interview] with Democracy Now (2018)

* Donald Trump...is the last hope for America. I don't want nuance, I want bold colors: red, white, and blue... When I saw those guys on the boats on their knees, I mean, that sends a picture about America that I haven't seen ever before. And I think we need Donald Trump right now. The country needs him.
** {{w|Robert Davi}}, as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/01/14/die-hard-actor-robert-davi-donald-trump-is-the-last-hope-for-america-video/ &quot;‘Die Hard' Actor Robert Davi: Donald Trump Is The ‘Last Hope For America'&quot;] by Steve Guest, ''The Daily Caller'' (14 January 2016)

* Let's say five years ago, someone wanted to tell an end-of-the-world story. Governments have broken down, diplomacy has gone out the window, and lunatic nutbags are running things. If the storyteller wanted to provide a shorthand to establish how things could have possibly gone so wrong, all he would have to do is have a newscaster talking about &quot;President Trump.&quot; Because five years ago, the audience would have snorted and said, &quot;Well, sure, I totally believe that if this country was stupid enough to put Trump into office, then it makes sense that the entire world is falling apart.&quot;
**{{W|Peter David}}, [http://www.peterdavid.net/2017/08/04/freak-out-friday-august-4-2017/ Freak Out Friday], August 4 2017

* Loser of the year &lt;i&gt; German: &quot;Der Verlierer des Jahres &lt;/i&gt;
** Der Spiegel, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title=German magazine Der Spiegel names Trump 'Loser of the Year' | author= Celine Castronuovo | periodical=The Hill | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/media/529830-german-magazine-der-spiegel-names-trump-loser-of-the-year}}

* Trump has been said to have extended his initial 30-day deadline to four months
**Karen DeYoun of Washington Post, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/john-bolton-to-meet-with-turks-to-discuss-announced-us-withdrawal-from-syria/2019/01/04/30e39c92-1044-11e9-8938-5898adc28fa2_story.html 4 January 2019]

* The case for constitutional limited government is the case against Donald Trump. To the degree we take him at his word — understanding that Trump is a negotiator whose positions are often purposefully deceptive — what he advocates is a rejection of our [[James Madison|Madisonian]] inheritance and an embrace of Barack Obama's [[authoritarianism]]. Trump assures voters that he will use authoritarian power for good, to help those who feel — with good reason — ignored by both parties. But the American experiment in self-government was the work of a generation that risked all to defeat a tyrannical monarch and establish a government of laws, not men. A government of the people, by the people, and for the people is precisely what the Constitution offers, and what is most threatened by &quot;great men&quot; impatient to impose their will on the nation. Conservatives should reject Trump's hollow, Euro-style [[identity politics]].
**Ben Domenech, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* If your claim to fame is that you’ve taken money from other people and haven’t delivered what you promised, that doesn’t make you a genius businessman, that makes you a [[thief]].
**{{w|Kathy Duva}}, as quoted in [http://theboxingtribune.com/2017/01/19/donald-trump-was-awful-at-boxing-too/ &quot;Donald Trump was awful at boxing, too&quot;] by Paul Gagno, ''The Boxing Tribune'' (January 19, 2017)

=== E ===
	
*In his State of the Union address on February 6, 2019, Donald Trump said: ''...we condemn the brutality of the Maduro regime, whose socialist policies have turned that nation from being the wealthiest in South America into a state of abject poverty and despair.''  Trump’s ridiculous comment was not considered controversial, because the Western media, including the anti-Trump outlets like the New York Times, have spent many years conveying a lie: that Venezuela had been very prosperous and democratic until [[Hugo Chávez]], and then his successor [[Nicolás Maduro]], came along and ruined everything. If readers believe that, then they may indeed wonder, “Why shouldn’t the US government help Venezuelans return to that prosperous state?”
**[https://fair.org/home/the-media-myth-of-once-prosperous-and-democratic-venezuela-before-chavez/ The Media Myth of ‘Once Prosperous’ and Democratic Venezuela Before Chávez, Joe Emersberger and Justin Podur, ''Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting'' (FAIR),] (26 August 2021)

* People are looking for somebody who is outspoken and who isn't afraid. And [Trump] seems to have kind of a fearless attitude.
** [[Clint Eastwood]], as quoted in [http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/clint-eastwood-praises-trump/2015/12/25/id/707110/ &quot;Clint Eastwood Praises Trump, Carson: 'Really Good People'&quot;] by Todd Beamon, ''Newsmax'' (25 December 2015)

* I'd have to go for Trump ... you know, [because] [[Hillary Clinton|she]]'s declared that she's gonna follow in [President] Obama's footsteps. I mean, it's a tough voice to listen to for four years. It could be a tough one. If she's just gonna follow what we've been doing, then I wouldn't be for her. She's made a lot of dough out of a being a politician. I gave up dough to be a politician. I'm sure that [former President] Ronald Reagan gave up dough to be a politician. ... [Trump]'s onto something, because secretly everybody's getting tired of political correctness, kissing up. That's the kiss-ass generation we're in right now. We're really in a p-ssy generation.
** [[Clint Eastwood]], interview with ''Esquire'' as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/290324-clint-eastwood-id-have-to-go-for-trump-over-clinton &quot;Clint Eastwood: 'I'd have to go for Trump' over Clinton&quot;] by Mark Hensch, ''The Hill'' (3 August 2016)

*The only thing that I can say about President Trump is that he is the only person who, in 2009 when I served a lot of subpoenas on a lot of people, or at least gave notice to some pretty connected people, that I want to talk to them, is the only person who picked up the phone and said, let's just talk.  I'll give you as much time as you want.  I'll tell you what you need to know, and was very helpful, in the information that he gave, and gave no indication whatsoever that he was involved in anything untoward whatsoever, but had good information.  That checked out and that helped us and we didn't have to take a deposition of him in 2009.
**Bradley Edwards (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) in December 2018, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit] 

* (Said in 2016) [Narcissistic] idiot,bully, [and someone who] really cannot be trusted to be consistent or accurate in anything
** [[w:Jenna Ellis|Jenna Ellis]], senior legal adviser to the Trump 2020 campaign and the president, [https://www.axios.com/jenna-ellis-trump-adviser-87cebdba-a44f-4bbb-bdc3-3e044e76b746.html constitutional law attorney] and former law professor from Colorado according to [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lawyer-jenna-ellis-idiot-campaign-b1731162.htmlTrump’s lawyer once called him an ‘idiot’ who ‘really cannot be trusted’ to tell truth] published November 18, 2020

*I will not be voting for Donald Trump in the primary. I take my conservatism seriously, and I also take Saint Paul seriously. In setting out the qualifications for overseers, or bishops, Saint Paul admonished Timothy... We should not put a new conservative in charge of conservatism or the country, so that he does not become puffed up with conceit and fall into condemnation. Republicans have wandered in the wilderness already by letting leaders define conservatism in their own image. Donald Trump needs more time and more testing of his new conservative convictions.
**Erick Erickson, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*Hitler is not Hillary Clinton either. The neo-nazis and white supremacists backing Donald Trump fetishize Hitler too. Trump dog whistles to them.
**Erick Erickson, [http://theresurgent.com/republicans-for-hitler/ &quot;Republicans for Hitler&quot;] (17 May 2016), ''The Resurgent''

=== F ===
*You got to give it up for [[Colorado]] — they’re the first state to legalize [[Cannabis|weed]] and illegalize Trump.
**[[Jimmy Fallon]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/21/arts/television/jimmy-fallon-trump-colorado-ballot.html &quot;Jimmy Fallon Cheers Colorado for ‘Illegalizing’ Trump&quot;] (21 December 2023), By Trish Bendix, ''{{w|New York Times}}''

* I was trying to let science guide our policy, but he was putting as much stock in anecdotal things that turned out not to be true as he was in what scientists like myself were saying. That caused unnecessary and uncomfortable conflict where I had to essentially correct what he was saying, and put me at great odds with his people.
** [[Anthony Fauci | Dr. Anthony Fauci]], the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, as quoted in [https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/dr-fauci-says-trump-would-do-terrible-things-anytime-he-disagreed-with-him-publicly/ &quot;Dr Fauci Says Trump Would Do ‘Terrible Things’ Anytime He Disagreed With Him Publicly&quot;], Cameron Frew, Unila, 20 February 2021.
*In the United States, Trump’s diversionary theatrics and early failures in Congress kept off the front pages a bonfire of social and environmental regulations as well as a purge of liberal judges from the [[w:federal judiciary in the United Stats|federal bench]] that continued in the background with little resistance and that promised to play out for decades. When thwarted by [[United States Congress|Congress]], Trump resorted to [[w:Executive orders|executive orders]] and [[w:Emergency powers|emergency powers]], as had presidents before him, though with a radical, institution-shaking appeal in justification “to the people” rarely heard since the [[New Deal]]. Internationally, the unconservative revisionism of the [[Far-right politics|hard right]] was evident in Trump’s questioning or pulling back from previous American commitments— the [[w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Iran nuclear deal]], [[Paris Agreement|world climate accords]], the [[w:Atlantic alliance|Western alliance]] itself. Rather than standing up for liberal democracy and universal values, he praised authoritarians: [[China]]’s [[Xi Jinping|Xi]], [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]], [[House of Saud|Saudi princes]], the [[Philippines]]’ [[Rodrigo Duterte|Duterte]]. Rather than follow every administration, Democrat or Republic, since 1945 and align Americanism, Westernism, and universalism in an avowedly virtuous trinity, the Trump right detached Americanism as justified and defendable on its own.
**[[w:Edmund Fawcett|Edmund Fawcett]], ''Conservatism: The Fight for a Tradition'' (2020), p. 348

* Trump is Hillary Clinton's Christmas gift wrapped up under a tree.
**[[Carly Fiorina]], [http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/09/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-conspiracy/index.html ''Twitter''] (8 December 2015)

*I think Trump says a lot of things that are crazy... [repeating what a 10-year-old girl said] Trump's a moron.
**[[Carly Fiorina]], as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/carly-fiorina-repeats-girl-donald-trumps-moron/story?id=36327939 &quot;Carly Fiorina Repeats After Girl: 'Donald Trump's a Moron'&quot;] (16 January 2016), by Ben Gittleson, ''{{w|ABC News}}''

*He reminds me of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
**{{w|Vicente Fox}}, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/26/politics/vicente-fox-donald-trump-hitler/index.html interview with Anderson Cooper] (February 2016)

* Most amateur diagnosticians have mislabeled President Trump with the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I wrote the criteria that define this disorder, and Mr. Trump doesn't meet them. He may be a world-class [[narcissism|narcissist]], but this doesn't make him mentally ill, because he does not suffer from the distress and impairment required to diagnose [[mental disorder]].
:Mr. Trump causes severe distress rather than experiencing it and has been richly rewarded, rather than punished, for his grandiosity, self-absorption and lack of [[empathy]]. It is a stigmatizing insult to the mentally ill (who are mostly well behaved and well meaning) to be lumped with Mr. Trump (who is neither).
:* [[w:Allen Frances|Allen Frances]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/14/opinion/an-eminent-psychiatrist-demurs-on-trumps-mental-state.html?_r=0 &quot;An Eminent Psychiatrist Demurs on Trump's Mental State,&quot;] [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], February 14, 2017.

*A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not of building bridges, is not Christian. This is not the [[gospel]]... I say only that this man is not Christian if he has said things like that. We must see if he said things in that way and I will give him the benefit of the doubt.
**[[Pope Francis]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pope-francis-trump-is-not-christian/ &quot;Pope Francis: Donald Trump 'is not Christian'&quot;] (18 February 2016), by Rebecca Kaplan, ''{{w|CBS News}}''

*I was wrong. Weeks ago I said on a number of radio interviews that while I opposed Trump in the primary, I'd back him if he won the GOP nomination. I hadn't yet seen, or had been unwilling to believe, the full extent of his contempt for the truth, his fondness for far-left conspiracy theories, and his sheer malice. When I saw Trump in full, my decision was easy. Never Trump... I cannot abide the notion of voting for a man whose 'war strategy' is a child-killing war crime.
**David French, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/432237/donald-trump-why-i-cant-vote-trump-nevertrump &quot;Why I Changed My Mind and Joined the #NeverTrump Movement&quot;] (2 March 2016), ''National Review''

*There is an Ivy League grad who has spent most of his life in [[New York City|Manhattan]], where he is chauffeured around in limousines. He frequently brags to strangers about his massive personal wealth. In public statements, he has advocated government healthcare, a woman's right to an abortion, an assault weapons ban, and paying off the national debt by forcing rich people to forfeit 14.25 percent of their total wealth. When the man married his third wife, he invited Bill and Hillary Clinton to the wedding, and he has given many thousands to their political campaigns and their foundation. He's donated many thousands more that helped elect Democrats to the Senate and the House. And George W. Bush was &quot;maybe the worst president in the history of this country,&quot; the man said in 2008. &quot;He was so incompetent, so bad, so evil.&quot; On paper, this is not someone you'd expect to excel in the 2016 Republican Party primary. But Donald Trump is excelling. Thanks to his celebrity, a few epic flip-flops, and his willingness to pander to the most xenophobic element of the GOP's base, the real-estate developer and reality-TV star is polling near the top of the field.
**Conor Friedersdorf, [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/donald-trump-running-for-president/398345/ &quot;Donald Trump Is No Conservative&quot;] (13 July 2015), ''The Atlantic''

* Trump has made it clear that he would rule as a dictator. His plans include destroying government as we know it, while acting on his desires without guardrails or accountability. He has vowed to use the power of the state to punish political opponents. In short, another Trump presidency would end American [[democracy]] as we know it.
** [[Dan Froomkin]], {{cite web |title=Some Rules for Journalists Reporting on Fascism and Fascists in 2024 |url=https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/reporting-on-trump-fascism-in-2024 |publisher=Common Dreams |date=26 January 2024}}

=== G ===
* Donald Trump is a serial liar.
** Neal Gabler, [http://www.salon.com/2016/05/15/donald_trump_is_a_serial_liar_more_upsetting_is_that_no_one_seems_to_care_partner/ &quot;Donald Trump is a serial liar. More upsetting is that no one seems to care&quot;] (15 May 2016), ''Salon''

* We thought about it when we made the movie! Are you kidding? You watch Part II again and there's a scene where Marty confronts Biff in his office and there's a huge portrait of Biff on the wall behind Biff, and there's one moment where Biff kind of stands up and he takes exactly the same pose as the portrait? Yeah.
**[[w:Bob Gale|Bob Gale]], [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/10/21/how-back-to-the-future-predicted-trump.html ‘Back to the Future' Writer: Biff Tannen Is Based on Donald Trump], The Daily Beast (October 15, 2015)

*Donald Trump rightly criticized the [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]] parents. Clearly, Trump does not oppose Muslim soldiers serving in the military. Nonsense. Trump opposes Muslim immigration from jihad-hot regions. We know Islamic terror groups are plotting attacks on the West and using the migration to import their soldiers.
** [[Pamela Geller]], ''[http://pamelageller.com/2016/07/dnc-mainstream-medias-new-spox-muslim-parents.html/ DNC, Mainstream Media's New SPOX — Muslim Parents of Fallen Soldier WHO OPPOSE TRUMP BUT NOT JIHAD TERROR @chucktodd @meetthepress]'' (July 31, 2016)

*I remain a skeptic about Donald Trump. Trump fans look at us skeptics with incredulity that we could possibly object to their man... Yet I see people comparing Trump to Reagan. Donald Trump has been a conservative for about ten minutes.
**[[Jim Geraghty]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty &quot;The Corner&quot;], ''National Review''

* @realdonaldtrump you are full of shit!
**Chrysler executive {{W|Ralph Gilles}}
**[http://jalopnik.com/5956093/chrysler-exec-calls-donald-trump-full-of-shit-on-twitter Chrysler Exec Calls Donald Trump &quot;Full Of Shit&quot; On Twitter], at {{W|Jalopnik}} (2012)

* [W]e have to learn something from history here. [[Fascism]] begins with the rhetoric of dehumanization, humiliation, and [[wiktionary:reification#Noun|reification]], right? It starts with the language of brutality, which it normalizes. It legitimates hatred and racism and violence. It views certain groups through rhetoric as enemies of the American people. It operates off of the rhetoric of war, anti-intellectualism, and white supremacy. It operates off of the language of disposability. That language doesn’t just simply normalize increasingly the notions of [[white nationalism]], white supremacy, racism, and [[xenophobia]]; it also enacts policies and it creates a culture of utter stupidity, a culture of ignorance. And, unfortunately, it functions so as to enable violence against groups labeled as dangerous, other, excess, and a threat to the whitewashed notion of citizenship.&lt;br /&gt;With respect to the latter, when people can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction, they can’t tell the difference between good and evil. They can’t recognize a crime when they see one or what lawlessness looks like. All standards of truth go out the window. It’s a very dangerous moment because it means that people become more susceptible to [[demagogue]]s, to people like Trump, and I think that the media has played an enormous role in creating a [[wiktionary:formative#Adjective|formative]] culture that at its worst legitimates and at its best enables what we see happening in the United States today. 
** [[Henry Giroux]], ''[https://mediaforus.org/interviews/2019/8/12/henrygiroux Henry Giroux on His Latest Book — The Terror of the Unforeseen — and How Neoliberal Capitalism Sets the Stage for Fascism]'' (August 19, 2019), ''Media For Us'' interview.

*I can’t really speak to what is in other people’s minds or why they make the decisions that they make. I think power is very alluring, but I think the more important question is why he’s caused such division among so many families in this country.&lt;br&gt;This is so relatable, having this chasm in your family over Trump, and the reason for that is because he spews this toxic cruelty. And when you are a woman or a person of color or a gay person or trans person, and someone that you love supports a man like that, it is really hard to reconcile that support with their love for you.&lt;br&gt;So I want healing for our country, and I do want us to find the common humanity in one another, even when we disagree about politics. But if Trump becomes the president again, that will not be possible. Kamala Harris is our only path to healing. She presents a really beautiful path to healing for us.&lt;br&gt;…I view Trump as a disease, and I think it’s really important to remember that with every disease, prevention is a much more effective strategy than treatment. ... I thought we had cured ourselves of it the first time, but it doesn’t seem like we have. And I think if he becomes the president again, we may have a terminal illness in our country. And that really, really scares me.
**Caroline Giuliani, daughter of Rudy Giuliani, regarding Trump’s influence over her father in [https://www.nj.com/politics/2024/10/trump-cruelty-embraced-by-those-you-love-rudys-daughter-on-how-maga-disease-has-infected-families.html Rudy Giuliani’s daughter explains why families have been split wide open by Trump] ''NJ.com'' (4 October 2024)

*President Trump made history Sunday when he became the first sitting U.S. president to step foot in North Korea. Trump was there to visit North Korean leader [[Kim Jong-un]] at the military demarcation line at the [[w:Korean Demilitarized Zone|Korean Demilitarized Zone]]. Kim then invited Trump to cross the line, which has divided North and South Korea since 1953. Trump then took about 20 steps into [[North Korea]]. Following the meeting at the DMZ, Trump and Kim held a three-way gathering with South Korean President [[Moon Jae-in]]. Sunday marked Trump and Kim's first meeting since nuclear talks broke down in February... It appears another round of nuclear talks could begin in the coming weeks.  
**[[Amy Goodman]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/7/1/trump_kim_jong_un_dmz_meeting ''Trump Makes History by Walking into North Korea. Could This Help to Finally End the Korean War?'' DemocracyNow!] (1 July 2019)

*As a party, we are better to risk losing without Donald Trump than trying to win with him. Enough already with Mister Trump.
**[[Lindsey Graham]], [http://www.examiner.com/article/lindsey-graham-better-for-a-democrat-to-win-the-white-house-than-donald-trump ''Twitter'' post] (August 2015)

* If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.
** [[Lindsey Graham]], [https://twitter.com/lindseygrahamsc/status/727604522156228608 ''Twitter'' post],  (May 2016)

*[[Ku Klux Klan]] leader [[David Duke]] told radio show listeners that {{'}}Jewish tribal nature{{'}} is to blame for the media's harsh treatment of Trump and compared Jews to {{'}}a pack of wild dogs.{{'}} The white supremacist is a vocal supporter of Trump.
**Shanika Gunaratna, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/neo-nazis-tag-jews-on-twitter-harassment-hate-speech-politics/ &quot;Neo-Nazis Tag Jews on Twitter: Harassment, Hate Speech, Politics&quot;] (10 June 2016), ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc.

*Last week, the New York Times reported that the FBI, in 2017, launched an investigation of President Trump &quot;to consider whether the president's own actions constituted a possible threat to national security&quot; and specifically &quot;whether he had been working on behalf of Russia against American interests.&quot; ...As usual – this melodrama was accomplished by steadfastly ignoring the now-standard, always-buried paragraph pointing out the boring fact that no actual evidence of guilt has yet emerged.
*The FBI's counterintelligence investigation of Trump is far from the first time that the FBI has monitored, surveilled and investigated U.S. elected officials.... It is not difficult to understand what is so ominous and even tyrannical about the FBI investigating domestic political figures whose loyalties they regard as &quot;suspicious,&quot; and whose political career they regard as a &quot;national security threat,&quot; simply because those politicians express policy positions about U.S. adversaries that the FBI dislikes... If a politician adopts policy views...  which is unduly accommodating to America's adversaries or &quot;enemies,&quot; that's not a crime and the FBI thus has no business using its vast investigative powers against...[them]...the FBI investigation... clearly based, at least in part, on the FBI's disagreements with Trump's foreign policy views and the agency's assessment that such policies fail to safeguard &quot;U.S. interests&quot; as the FBI defines them.
** [[Glenn Greenwald]], [https://theintercept.com/2019/01/14/the-fbis-investigation-of-trump-as-a-national-security-threat-is-itself-a-serious-danger-but-j-edgar-hoover-pioneered-the-tactic/  The FBI's Investigation of Trump as a &quot;National Security Threat&quot; is Itself a Serious Danger. But J. Edgar Hoover Pioneered the Tactic] ''[[w:The Intercept|The Intercept]]'' (14  January 2019)

[[File:Richard Nixon presidential portrait.jpg|thumb|As you can imagine, [Pat] is an expert on politics and she predicts whenever you decide to run for office you will be a winner! ~ [[Richard Nixon]]]]

[[File:Jimmy Carter (cropped).jpg|thumb|I think the media have been harder on Trump than any other president certainly that I’ve known about, I think they feel free to claim that Trump is mentally deranged and everything else without hesitation. ~ [[Jimmy Carter]]]]

[[File:George H. W. Bush presidential portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|He's an ass. ~ [[George H. W. Bush]]]]

[[File:Bill Clinton.jpg|thumb|He's a master brander, and he's the most interesting character out there. And...he says something that overrides the ideological differences. There is a macho appeal to saying, 'I'm just sick of nothing happening. I'll make things – vote for me.' ~ [[Bill Clinton]]]]

[[File:George-W-Bush.jpeg|thumb|We've seen nationalism distorted into nativism – forgotten the dynamism that immigration has always brought to America. We see a fading confidence in the value of free markets and international trade – forgetting that conflict, instability, and poverty follow in the wake of protectionism. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]

[[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|We're shocked that somebody would be saying these things. We're shocked that somebody is fanning anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-Muslim sentiment. We're shocked! We're shocked that somebody could be loose with the facts. Or distort someone's record -- shocked... This is the guy, remember, who was sure that I was born in Kenya. Who just wouldn't let it go. And all this same Republican establishment, they weren't saying nothing. As long as it was directed at me, they were fine with it. They thought it was a hoot. Wanted to get his endorsement... What is happening in this primary is just a distillation of what's been happening inside their party for more than a decade. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

=== H ===
* When I tell you I’m angry, it’s an understatement. [[Mike Pence|Mike]] has been nothing but loyal to that [[Trump|man]]. He’s been nothing but a good friend of that man... I am so disappointed in the fact that [despite] the [[loyalty]] and [[friendship]] he had with Mike Pence, that he would do that to him. Like, I’m disgusted by it.
** [[Nikki Haley]] in [https://www.politico.com/interactives/2021/magazine-nikki-haleys-choice/ Nikki Haley’s Time for Choosing The 2024 hopeful can’t decide] February 12, 2021

* This is a dangerous world. I don't want to hear from him how great [[Hezbollah]] is. I don't want to see him congratulate the Communist Party anymore. I don't want him hitting [[Netanyahu]]. … We can't have someone who is so clouded with the past that they can't see the future.
**  [[Nikki Haley]] in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-israel-netanyahu-hezbollah/ Trump's GOP opponents bristle at his response to Hamas' assault on Israel] (October 13, 2023)

* I think he could be a great leader, because he's inspiring a lot of people, and especially people, including me, who are tired of Republicans being weak. I'm so sick of it.
** [[Sean Hannity]] — {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-30
 | title = Hannity on Trump: 'That Boldness Needs to Be There If Republicans Want to Win'
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/30/sean-hannity-donald-trump-boldness-needs-be-there-if-republicans-want-win
}}

*The conservative president we desperately need requires a paradoxical combination of boldness and restraint. The president will need to be bold in challenging the runaway power and reach of his own branch, against the fury of the bureaucracy itself, its client groups, and the media. This boldness is necessary to restore the restraint that a republican executive should have in our constitutional order. Trump exhibits no awareness of this supreme constitutional task.
**Steven F. Hayward, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*Donald Trump is the result of a long process of political, cultural and social decay. He is a product of our failed democracy. The longer we perpetuate the fiction that we live in a functioning democracy, that Trump and the political mutations around him are somehow an aberrant deviation that can be vanquished in the next election, the more we will hurtle toward tyranny. The problem is not Trump. It is a political system, dominated by corporate power and the mandarins of the two major political parties, in which we don’t count. We will wrest back political control by dismantling the corporate state, and this means massive and sustained civil disobedience, like that demonstrated by teachers around the country this year... &lt;BR&gt;As a foreign correspondent I covered collapsed societies... It is impossible for any doomed population to grasp how fragile the decayed financial, social and political system is on the eve of implosion. All the harbingers of collapse are visible... We suffer the usual pathologies of impending death. I would be happy to be wrong. But I have seen this before. I know the warning signs. All I can say is get ready. 
**[[Chris Hedges]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/05/21/coming-collapse The Coming Collapse], [[w:Common Dreams|''Common Dreams'']], (21 May 2018) 

*He doesn't know the Constitution, history, law, political philosophy, nuclear strategy, diplomacy, defense, economics beyond real estate, or even, despite his low-level-mafioso comportment, how ordinary people live. But trumping all this is a greater flaw presented as his chief strength. Governing a great nation in parlous times is far more than making &quot;deals.&quot; Compared with the weight of the office he seeks, his deals are microscopic in scale, and as he faced far deeper complexities he would lead the country into continual Russian roulette. If despite his poor judgment he could engage talented advisers, as they presented him with contending and fateful options the buck would stop with a man who simply grasps anything that floats by. Following Obama's, a Trump presidency would be yet more adventure [[tourism]] for a formerly serious republic.
**Mark Helprin, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* What bitch is Donald Trump hanging his dick inside of today?
** {{w|Doug Henderson}}, guitarist/singer/lyricist of {{w|Spongehead}} in the song &quot;Nothing&quot; from ''[[w:Curn Your Dogma|Curb Your Dogma]]'' (Triple X Records, 1993)

* There’s no question that America would be better off if the president would resign or be removed from office.  If that’s going to happen or how that should happen, I don’t know.  But we need leadership right now, and we need to stop all of this craziness.
** Larry Hogan, Republican Governor, as quoted in [https://www.baltimoresun.com/politics/bs-md-pol-hogan-capitol-20210107-7gjx3ksoqrhmrixhqr7zz2byom-story.html &quot;Maryland Gov. Hogan: ‘America would be better off’ if Trump resigns or is removed from office&quot;], 7 January 2021, &lt;i&gt; The Baltimore Sun &lt;/i&gt;

* It's unacceptable and abhorrent to attack Vice President Harris or anyone’s racial identity. The American people deserve better. 
** Larry Hogan, Republican Governor, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/live-updates/Kamala-Harris-Donald-Trump-100-days/?id=112358511&amp;entryId=112456624 &quot;GOP Senate candidate Larry Hogan slams Trump's NABJ Convention remarks&quot;], ''ABC News'' (July 31, 2024)

* &lt;p&gt;Trump undermines the free press because he wants to be the only ''legitimate'' source of information in society. He lies all the time to break down the processes by which we discern the truth about the world around us, and compile the observations and facts which make up the tapestry of reality. He has exposed the paper-thin vulnerability of our democratic society, which depends mightily on observing social norms—like yielding to shame—and a shared acceptance of some common set of truths.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The American president is determined to bulldoze this architecture of social structures, and usher in an era where force, not deliberation and cooperation, determines the path our society will take. If he never acknowledges any truth besides his own, he never has to do anything outside his own direct interests. He does not have to actually respond to any kind of criticism, or ever reconsider his course of action. Relentless lying, after all, is a form of coercion, in which you bend others to your will by forcing them to accept the infrastructure of your false reality—or to give up caring whether anything is true or false in the first place. Don't believe your eyes and ears. Everybody was cheering for me.&lt;/p&gt;
** Jack Holmes, Politics editor at Esquire.com, [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a27718993/donald-trump-press-conference-theresa-may-thousands-protesters/ &quot;Donald Trump's Press Conference With Theresa May Would Not Be Complete Without an Assault on Truth&quot;], Esquire.com (June 4, 2019)

*White tears, as [[Damon Young]] explains in The Root, are why defeated Southerners refused to accept the freedom of black slaves and formed the Ku Klux Klan. And white tears are why 63 percent of white men and 53 percent of white women elected a malignant man-child as their leader.
**[[Cathy Park Hong]] ''Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning'' (2020)

* Donald Trump regularly incites political [[violence]] and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and {{w|birther}} who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.
** Note appended to every article about Trump published by {{W|the Huffington Post}} as of January 2016, but removed after Trump's presidential victory.
**[http://www.politico.com/blogs/on-media/2016/01/huffpost-to-publish-anti-trump-kicker-with-all-trump-coverage-218345 HuffPost to publish anti-Trump kicker with all Trump coverage], at {{W|Politico}}, published January 28, 2016

* [The]  [[w:General Services Administration|agency]]'s ability to manage the [[Trump|former President]]'s [[conflicts of interest]] during his term in office when he was effectively on both sides of the [[contract]], as [[landlord]] and [[tenant]]
** [[w:House Oversight Committee|House Oversight Committee]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/08/politics/trump-hotel-dc/index.html &quot;Trump DC hotel incurred more than $70 million in losses while Trump was president, documents show]&quot; (October 8, 2021)

*Casting the Trump administration's credibility gap into sharp relief, allies like Japan and [[Germany]] have demanded more &quot;credible&quot; evidence to support the U.S. claim.  While President Donald Trump and Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] have been unequivocal in their assertion that Iran was responsible for the attacks on two oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman last week, some of America's closest allies are demanding more proof.  &lt;BR&gt;Both Japan and Germany have requested more concrete evidence... [[Jeremy Corbyn]], Britain's opposition leader, said more &quot;credible evidence&quot; was needed to support Trump's allegation....  According to ''The New York Times'', other European leaders have also been hesitant to lay the blame on Iran ― a doubt fueled in part by their &quot;distrust of the Trump administration and its hawkish policy toward Tehran,&quot; the paper said. 
**[[w:Huffington Post|Huffington Post]], [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-administration-allies-iran-tanker-pompeo_n_5d072ea3e4b0985c419ff17d   ''Pompeo Claims There's ‘No Doubt' Iran Attacked Tankers, But U.S. Allies Want Proof, Huffington Post,'' Dominique Mosbergen]   (17 June 2019)

*We do not need to have a president that undermines our [[rule of law]], that goes in the courtroom as he did today in New York and acts like a child, a petulant child. We don't need that in America. We need adults in the room.
**[[w:Asa Hutchinson|Asa Hutchinson]], [https://www.wmur.com/article/asa-hutchinson-trump-courtroom-dispute/45759110|Asa Hutchinson calls Trump a 'petulant child' after courtroom dispute with judge], [[w:WMUR-TV|WMUR-9]] (6 November 2023)

=== I ===

* Donald Trump is a clear and present danger to the republic.  He’s disqualified based on character and rationality, so I’ll be voting for Kamala Harris.
* I feel sorry for him.  He’s really quite a sick puppy. He needs some help.
* He’s been unfaithful to three wives.  Why would we, at the altar with him as the fourth, think that he’s going to be faithful to us? Talk about irrationality.
* If Donald Trump loses, that would be a good thing for the Republican Party.  Because then we could have a Republican rethink and get a correction.
** Bob Inglis, Former six-term S.C.  Republican Congressman, quoted in  [https://charlestoncitypaper.com/2024/09/17/inglis-endorses-harris-calling-trump-a-clear-and-present-danger/ &quot;Inglis endorses Harris, calling Trump ‘a clear and present danger’&quot;], ''Charleston City Paper'' (September 17, 2024)

===J===
*It was an honor to visit with President [[Donald Trump]]. He was friendly, remarkably kind, and incredibly generous with his time.
**6 June 2023 [https://x.com/GlennJacobsTN/status/1666097552100585473 tweet] by [[Glenn Jacobs]], the mayor of Knox County

* Mr. Trump has crossed the line. More than one line. Captain Khan died in battle trying valiantly to save others. There is no place for criticism, stated or implied, of this brave soldier. He served our country. He is buried in [[w:Arlington National Cemetery|Arlington National Cemetery]] along with those of many ethnic backgrounds and religious denominations. They served our country. Mr. Trump did not. Criticizing Mrs. Khan for not speaking on stage is vile beyond words. No Gold Star Mother should ever be treated like that. Mr. Trump, you owe Mrs. Khan and all Gold Star families a huge apology.
** {{w|Jewish War Veterans of the United States of America}}, about Trump's statements on the [[Khizr and Ghazala Khan|Khan family]] ''[http://www.jwv.org/content/press_release/jewish_war_veterans_condemns_remarks_of_donald_trump Jewish War Veterans Condemns Remarks of Donald Trump]'' (2016)

*Of course, I recognize the president’s unique relationship with the press and how it compares with past presidents. I am curious myself how it will impact the future, if at all. But the tension between the press and the president is nothing new. President Trump expresses it more frequently and more … colorfully than others.
**[[Weijia Jiang]], as quoted in in [https://asiasociety.org/blog/asia/cbs-news-weijia-jiang-newsroom-diversity-covid-19-racism-and-covering-president-trump &quot;CBS News' Weijia Jiang on Newsroom Diversity, COVID-19 Racism, and Covering President Trump&quot; in ''Asia Society'' (27 May 2020)]

* The problem is, I know Trump, so my [[optimism]] has been squashed like a baby bird ... Everything bad I had to say about him, I said to his face. ... I think he's very good, very compelling on that show [''Celebrity Apprentice''] ... I really like him because of his absence of filters. I really like the glimpse we get into the human [[heart]] we get when someone loses their filters ... &quot;[[Thelonious Monk|A genius is the one most like himself.]]&quot; In a really weird way, Donald Trump has achieved that. If he weren't running for president, you'd be seeing essays from me about how much I learned from Donald Trump and how much I loved being on the show ... I'm feeling so, so, so guilty, because I feel like, along with millions of other people, I played right into this. The [[cynicism]] of the Clintons, the careful, tightrope walk of all politicians, forced me, as an atheist, to get down on my knees and [[pray]] that someone would come along with some kind of [[authenticity]]. Well, [[God|someone]] called my bluff, goddamn it. ... The stuff [Trump] is saying on immigration, the stuff he saying on [[torture]], the stuff he is saying on [[war]], is absolutely unforgivable ... He is coming out directly against the Statue of Liberty. I'm a pure and utter peacenik. I want a president who sings the praises of people, sings the praises of [[peace]] and sings the praises of working together for a great country ... [[Abraham Lincoln]] wouldn't have laughed about waterboarding ... I want a president that is [[kinder]], [[smarter]] and more measured than me. ... I disagree with [[Hillary Clinton]] on just about everything there is to disagree with a person about. If it comes down to Trump and Hillary, I will put a Hillary Clinton sticker on my fucking car. ...  Someone who is paying [[attention]] can do the same thing that Trump is doing with [[hate]], and do it with [[love]], and become president ... That's kind of beautiful. There's nothing more optimistic than that. ... Donald Trump does, when it comes right down to it, fuck up everything ... He fucks up his casinos. He fucks up his buildings.... Maybe he'll fuck up his campaign before he fucks up the country.
** [[Penn Jillette]], as quoted in [http://www.newsweek.com/penn-jillette-terrified-president-trump-431837 &quot;Why Penn Jillette is Terrified of a President Trump&quot; by Grant Burningham, in ''Newsweek'' (1 March 2016)]

* I did two tours of duty on ''{{W|Celebrity Apprentice}}'' and I referred to someone who I knew was a dipshit, who I knew was a loser and a liar, as &quot;Mr. Trump.&quot; And I didn't laugh out loud when they said he was a billionaire. And I didn’t laugh out loud when they said he was a good businessman. '''I knew he was a terrible businessman. I knew he wasn't really rich. I knew he was a liar. I knew all of that. And I sat there in a suit. What harm does it do to be on a TV show? To pretend that someone is a successful businessman? Turns out it matters a lot.'''
** Penn Jillette, as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-features/penn-and-teller-interview-guns-trump-magic-bullet-catch-david-blaine-1234833297/ Penn &amp; Teller on Giving Up Guns and Why Trump Is ‘The End of America’], by Brenna Ehrlich, in ''Rolling Stone'' (1 October 2023)

* The only reason I wouldn't go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.
** [[Boris Johnson]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/boris-johnson/12039931/Boris-Johnson-The-only-reason-I-wouldnt-visit-some-parts-of-New-York-is-the-real-risk-of-meeting-Donald-Trump.html Boris Johnson: 'The only reason I wouldn't visit some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump'] by Helena Horton, ''[[w:The Telegraph|The Telegraph]]'' (8 December 2015)

* Donald Trump's a pussy.
**[[Gary Johnson]], in [http://www.kob.com/albuquerque-news/gary-johnson-calls-donald-trump-pussy-at-libertarian-debate/4064122/#.VuDZG5wrLqY U.S. Libertarian Party debate] (2016)

=== K ===
*I'm rooting for him to do well for the same reason I root for a pilot on my airplane to do well.
**{{W|John Kasich}}, [http://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/332198-kasich-i-dont-know-what-im-going-to-do-in-2020 Kasich: ‘I don't know what I'm going to do' in 2020], ''The Hill'', May 6 2017

* The Trump phenomenon is better understood as an amalgam of three different, largely pathological strains in [[American history quotes|American history]] and [[culture]]... The first and perhaps most obvious strain is hostility toward immigrants... In the 1850s, the [[w:American Party|American Party]], labeled the 'Know-Nothings' by its opponents, accused [[Irish people|Irish]] and [[Germans|German]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]] of being agents of the pope and a threat... Later in the century, white workers on the Pacific coast led a mass campaign against [[Chinese people|Chinese]] newcomers, whom they blamed for undercutting wages... Federal lawmakers affirmed their bigotry by excluding any Chinese laborers... In the 1920s, fears of Slavs, Jews, Italians, and others suspected of being hostile to America's white 'Nordic' heritage persuaded Congress to impose quotas that all but banned immigrants... Trump's attacks on 'rapists and murderers' crossing the southern border and on potential Muslim terrorists jetting across the Atlantic belong to this long and ignominious tradition.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* His vow to 'Make America Great Again' lacks any explanation of what or who made it so wonderful before. Searching his website for clues turns up no proposals that might credibly bring about a national revival, unless one believes that a simplified tax code and a stern crackdown on illegal immigration amount to a sufficient blueprint for major change.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* The allure of Trump's candidacy and the dread it provokes at home and abroad stem from the same impulses, which run deep in U.S. political culture. A rich man whose name is familiar to everyone bashes people whom many citizens either fear or mistrust and makes vague promises to fix whatever ails the nation. And he does all this with a smirk, a threat, and yet also with a yearning for respect, even from those he routinely assaults in speeches. Trump probably will not be elected president, and it would be a disaster if he was. But his act is hardly as novel as he, and many of his fans and his critics, believe. After he leaves the stage, another wealthy performer with a talent for bombast and no political record to defend may well take his place.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* Trump is no true conservative. He's not even a reactionary in the best sense of the word. He's a self-aggrandizing opportunist. His policies go no further than his catchphrase, 'you're fired'. Listening to his first television ad is like a preview for a bad movie; an empty supercut of the highlights, or lowlights, without the plot being revealed because it's so thin. Trump is no everyman. He built his empire with $100 million from his wealthy father. Far from born into working or middle class, Trump never struggled a day in his life except by his own failings in business and the resulting repeated bankruptcies. His privileged background enabled him to make money off money; not exactly high on the hierarchy of middle-class values. As for being incorruptible, Trump gave big to politicians. He admitted that was meant to buy favors. His policy positions are similarly ephemeral; he supported the Big Government policies of Democrats and slippery values of the Clintons when it suited him. Steadfast, he is not.
** Sean Kennedy, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/07/opinions/kennedy-donald-trump/index.html &quot;Donald Trump must be destroyed&quot;] (8 January 2016), ''CNN'', Georgia: Cable News Network

* Donald Trump is convincingly playing the role of a pandering demagogue. He seeks to stir up a passionate reaction that serves the purposes of his ambition. [[Founding Fathers of the United States|America's founders]] repeatedly warned against such demagoguery, because it sets people up for tyranny. Given his background, it's advisable to assume Donald Trump is being used by the enemies of rightful liberty to lead otherwise sincerely conservative people down a blind canyon into the withering fire of their elitist foes... Given this track record, before following Trump's lead, shouldn't people sincerely anxious to restore America's constitutional liberty carefully examine the nature of his purported advocacy? With much fanfare, Trump is being attacked by his erstwhile elitist faction buddies. But has he attacked them for treacherous betrayal of the security and sovereignty of the American people?
** [[Alan Keyes]], [http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/is-donald-the-elitist-factions-trump/#edXLUkSiiwg8yZ3j.99 &quot;Is Donald the Elitist Faction's Trump?&quot;] (16 July 2015), ''WND''

* Every president lies at some point, for diplomatic or national security reasons or to sell a policy. But Trump is not known for one big lie — just a constant stream of exaggerated, invented, inconsistent, dubious and false claims. In the nine years I have run The Fact Checker, I have never encountered a politician so cavalier about the facts, so unconcerned with accuracy, so willing to attack people for made-up reasons and so determined to falsely depict his achievements.
** Glenn Kessler, editor and chief writer of The Washington Post Fact Checker, in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2020/06/02/fact-checking-donald-trump-essential-american-politics-column/5301135002/ Fact-checking Trump: He's on a dangerous path that must be documented and discouraged (June 2, 2020)]

* Donald Trump has asked why I did not speak at the Democratic convention. He said he would like to hear from me. Here is my answer to Donald Trump: Because without saying a thing, all the world, all America, felt my pain. I am a Gold Star mother. Whoever saw me felt me in their heart.
* Donald Trump said I had nothing to say. I do. My son Humayun Khan, an Army captain, died 12 years ago in Iraq. He loved America, where we moved when he was 2 years old. He had volunteered to help his country, signing up for the ROTC at the [[w:University of Virginia|University of Virginia]]. This was before the attack of Sept. 11, 2001. He didn't have to do this, but he wanted to. 
* I cannot walk into a room with pictures of Humayun. For all these years, I haven't been able to clean the closet where his things are — I had to ask my daughter-in-law to do it. Walking onto the convention stage, with a huge picture of my son behind me, I could hardly control myself. What mother could? Donald Trump has children whom he loves. Does he really need to wonder why I did not speak?
* Donald Trump said that maybe I wasn't allowed to say anything. That is not true. My husband asked me if I wanted to speak, but I told him I could not. My religion teaches me that all human beings are equal in God's eyes. Husband and wife are part of each other; you should love and respect each other so you can take care of the family. When Donald Trump is talking about Islam, he is ignorant. If he studied the real Islam and Koran, all the ideas he gets from terrorists would change, because terrorism is a different religion. Donald Trump said he has made a lot of sacrifices. He doesn't know what the word sacrifice means.
** [[Ghazala Khan]], mother of fallen U.S. Army Captain [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun S. M. Khan]]. ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/ghazala-khan-donald-trump-criticized-my-silence-he-knows-nothing-about-true-sacrifice/2016/07/31/c46e52ec-571c-11e6-831d-0324760ca856_story.html Ghazala Khan: Trump criticized my silence. He knows nothing about true sacrifice.]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (July 31, 2016)

* Muslims are American, Muslims are [[citizens]], Muslims participate in the well-being of this country as American citizens. We are proud American citizens. It's the values of this country that brought us here, not our religion. Trump's position on these issues do not represent those values.
** Khizr M. Khan in an interview with ''{{w|Vocativ}}''. [http://www.vocativ.com/259159/the-father-of-a-muslim-war-hero-has-this-to-say-to-donald-trump/] (December 08, 2015)

* If it was up to Donald Trump, he never would have been in America. Donald Trump consistently smears the character of Muslims. He disrespects other minorities, women, [[judges]], even his own party leadership. He vows to build walls and ban us from this country. Donald Trump, you are asking Americans to [[trust]] you with our [[future]]. Let me ask you: Have you even read the U.S. Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words &quot;liberty&quot; and &quot;equal protection of law.&quot; Have you ever been to {{w|Arlington Cemetery}}? Go look at the graves of the brave [[patriots]] who died defending America — you will see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one. We can't solve our problems by building walls and sowing division. We are Stronger Together.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], speech during the final day of the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}} in [[Philadelphia]]. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/dnc-2016-khizr-khan-donald-trump-read-full-transcript-father-muslim-soldier-a7161616.html] (29 July 2016)

* His policies, his practices, do not reflect that he has any understanding of the basic, fundamental [[constitutional]] [[principles]] of this country, what makes this country [[exceptional]], what makes this country exceptional in the [[history]] of the mankind. There are principles of equal [[dignity]], principle of liberty. He talks about excluding people, [[disrespecting]] judges, the entire judicial system, immigrants, Muslim immigrants. These are divisive rhetoric that is totally against the basic constitutional principle. If you read the Constitution, you will either deliberately would be violating those principles or you have not read. That is why I have watched whole ear and rest of the world has watched, and the [[love]] and affection and support that we have received after my statement, at every corner of the street, at every place. The [[affection]], the support, the love that I have received, that we continue to receive is a testament that he is talking about [[ignorance]]. He is not fully aware of these principles.
* Two things are absolutely necessary in any [[leader]] or any person that aspires, wishes, to be a leader. That is [[moral]] compass and second is [[empathy]]. This candidate is void of both traits that are necessary for the stewardship of this country.
* I do not believe his whole year-long rhetoric, division, excluding people, talking about them derogatorily, has prepared him. He promised to the Republican leadership that he will change his manner, he will not be as ignorant as he had been. But he had continued. Those two traits of moral compass and empathy are absolutely necessary for the leader of a free world leader of nation like United States.
* This candidate for [[presidency]] to not be aware of the respect of a gold star mother standing there, and he had to take that shot at her, this is height of ignorance. This is why I showed him that Constitution. Had he read that, he would know what status a gold star mother holds in that nation. This country holds such a person in the highest regard. And he has no [[knowledge]], no awareness. That is height of his ignorance. She is ill. She had high blood pressure. People that know her, looked at her face, and she said, &quot;I may fall off the stage.&quot; And I told her that, you have to assemble yourself and stand for the [[beauty]] of this tribute that is being paid. This person is total incapable of empathy. I want his [[family]] to counsel him, teach him some empathy. He will be a better person if he could become -- but he is a black soul. And this is totally unfit for the leadership of this beautiful country, the love and affection that we have received affirms that our beliefs, our experience in this country had been correct and positive. The world is receiving us like we have never seen. They have seen the blackness of his character, of his [[soul]], that he is void of recognizing, empathizing with people.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], on an interview with {{w|CNN}} about Donald Trump saying that Khan's wife didn't speak because she was forbidden. [http://mediamatters.org/video/2016/07/31/cnn-khizr-khan-shreds-trumps-height-ignorance-response-his-democratic-convention-speech/212039] (July 31, 2016)

* I have exactly the same rights as he does. He had been abusing, disrespecting women, judges, all decent Americans. He had been so abusive of them. I exercise exactly the same rights. That, again, proves his ignorance. He wants to have one set of rights for himself, and he wants to have another set of rights for others. No, somebody should tell him that there is equal dignity, equal protection of law in this country. That is why that Constitution came to play. I keep that in my pocket, because I cherish this document. I wish somebody would read it to him. Certain fundamental values that enshrine in this document.
* Donald Trump needs to sit with his advisers and portray to this world that he is empathetic. You solve the problems with empathy, putting people together. There are bad people among us, but there are good people among us, as well. You gather good people to get rid of bad people, but you do not malign the whole religion -- the whole culture.
* We are the solution to the dealing with the terrorism in the United States. Join hands with good Muslims. Only war is not the solution. It is one of the solutions. Communities coming together is the solution. We are as concerned as Donald Trump is about the safety of this country. We are testament to the goodness of this country. We need to stop fighting with one another, but we need a leader that will unite us, not disrespect, not by derogatory remarks. I feel bad about the discourse that this campaign -- this election campaign has taken. We need to join hands. We have a very serious problem of this for the safety of the citizens of this country. We are solution. Look, the treatment of Muslims in France and other places, there is much worse security issues than United States does.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], in an interview in ''New Day'' on CNN Monday [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1608/01/nday.03.html] (August 1, 2016)

* When a person becomes Commander-in- Chief, president, you are president and Commander-in-Chief of everybody that has supported you and that has not supported you.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], in an interview in ''{{w|Anderson Cooper 360°}}'' [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1608/02/acd.02.html Transcript] (August 2, 2016)

* But, far from making remarks of any persuasive power that can be viewed to be helpful to defusing tension, he made unprecedented rude nonsense one has never heard from any of his predecessors. A frightened dog barks louder. [...] He is unfit to hold the prerogative of supreme command of a country, and he is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician. [...] Action is the best option in treating the dotard who, hard of hearing, is uttering only what he wants to say. [...] I will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged U.S. dotard with fire.
** [[Kim Jong-un]], quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-22 |title=Trump Is A Rogue And Gangster Playing With Fire- North Korean Leader, Kim Jong |author=Seun Oyedele |periodical=Odua Voice |url=https://www.oduavoice.com/2017/09/22/trump-is-a-rogue-and-gangster-playing-with-fire-north-korean-leader-kim-jong/}}

* Donald Trump is a [[fascist]]. ... Not in the sense of an all-purpose [[bad]] guy, but in the sense of somebody who sincerely believes that the toxic combination of strong [[government]] and strong [[corporations]] should run the [[nation]] and the [[world]]. He spent his previous career negotiating with the government on behalf of corporations; now he has switched teams. But it's the same game.
** [[Michael Kinsley]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-actually-a-fascist/2016/12/09/e193a2b6-bd77-11e6-94ac-3d324840106c_story.html?utm_term=.6aa47d53b2b7 Donald Trump is actually a fascist]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 9, 2016)

* If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers through his hair.
** {{citation
 | author = Jarod Kintz
 | date = 2011-05-18
 | title = This Book is Not For Sale
}}

* We want every vote counted, yes every legal vote (of course). But, if you have legit concerns about fraud present EVIDENCE and take it to court.  &lt;b&gt;STOP Spreading debunked [[misinformation]]... This is getting insane. &lt;/b&gt;
** [[Adam Kinzinger]], Republican Congress member (2020-11-06) to Donald Trump about the 2020 election, &lt;i&gt;[https://twitter.com/RepKinzinger/status/1324503564891414528 Tweet] &lt;/i&gt;

* Yesterday, it became evident that not only has the president abdicated his duty to protect the people and the people’s house, he invoked and inflamed passions that only gave fuel to the insurrection that we saw here. When pressed to move and denounce the violence, he barely did so while of course victimizing himself and seeming to give a wink and a nod to those doing it.  All indications are that the president has become unmoored, not just from his duty or even his oath but reality, itself. It is for this reason that I call on the vice president and members of the Cabinet to ensure the next few weeks are safe for the American people and that we have a sane captain of the ship.  
** Adam Kinzinger, quoted by {{citation
 | author = Rick Pearson, Lisa Donovan
 | date = 2020-01-07
 | title = Republican US Rep. Adam Kinzinger calls for 25th Amendment to remove President Trump from office
 | url = https://www.chicagotribune.com/politics/ct-adam-kinzinger-trump-calls-for-invoking-25th-amendment-20210107-ldf2chdunbecbo6ry6uino4dpq-story.html
}}

* The worst president the USA ever had. He was a liar and a charlatan. And he was a man with a most fragile ego I ever met.
** Adam Kinzinger, quoted by {{citation
 | author = Bradley Cortright
 | date = 2022-02-07
 | title = Kinzinger Ramps Up Criticism of Trump: I Will Tell My Son He Was the 'Worst President'
 | url = https://ijr.com/kinzinger-ramps-criticism-trump-will-tell-son-worst-president/
}}

* I have spent my life building bridges and tearing down barriers — not building walls. That’s why I find Donald Trump’s belief that an American-born judge of Mexican descent is incapable of fairly presiding over his case is not only dead wrong, it is un-American. As the Presidential campaign progressed, I was hoping the rhetoric would tone down and reflect a campaign that was inclusive, thoughtful and principled. While I oppose the Democratic nominee, Donald Trump’s latest statements, in context with past attacks on Hispanics, women and the disabled like me, make it certain that I cannot and will not support my party’s nominee for President regardless of the political impact on my candidacy or the Republican Party. It is absolutely essential that we are guided by a commander-in-chief with a responsible and proper temperament, discretion and judgment. Our President must be fit to command the most powerful military the world has ever seen, including an arsenal of thousands of nuclear weapons. After much consideration, I have concluded that Donald Trump has not demonstrated the temperament necessary to assume the greatest office in the world.
** [[Mark Kirk]], quoted in ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160608015204/http://chicago.suntimes.com/news/sen-mark-kirk-withdraws-support-for-trump/ Sen. Mark Kirk withdraws support for Trump]'' by Lynn Sweet, 7 June 2016, ''{{w|Chicago Sun-Times}}''.

* Donald Trump — a political neophyte, a New York loudmouth who plays fast and loose with the truth, a massive [[egotism|egotist]] and a not altogether pleasant human being — has delivered conservatives one of the greatest years in living memory and has made our government more [[morality|moral]] in the process. The left and many on the right didn't see it coming because they [[hate]] the man. And because they didn't see it coming, they won't see that it's come.
** [[Andrew Klavan]], &quot;[https://pjmedia.com/andrewklavan/trump-has-made-our-government-more-moral/ Trump Has Made Our Government More Moral]&quot;, ''PJ Media'' (December 15, 2017)

*these children are ready to deliver their moral verdict on the people and institutions who knew all about the dangerous, depleted world they would inherit and yet chose not to act. They know what they think of Donald Trump in the United States and Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil and Scott Morrison in Australia and all the other leaders who torch the planet with defiant glee while denying science so basic that these kids could grasp it easily at age eight.
**[[Naomi Klein]] ''On Fire: The (Burning) Case for a Green New Deal'' (2019)

* President Trump has violated many of the norms and [[w:Law of the United States|laws]] on which our democracy depends. He circumvents [[United States Congress|Congress]] [[w:National Emergency Concerning the Southern Border of the United States|by declaring the “crisis” at the border a national emergency]]. He orders his staff to ignore {{w|subpoena}}s. He uses his presidential status to enhance his [[w:Trump family|family]]’s wealth. He demands absolute loyalty from his appointees. He treats truth like a despot and jokes with [[Vladimir Putin]] about his “[[w:Fake news#Usage of the term by Donald Trump|fake news]]” problem. He boasts about [[w:Donald Trump sexual misconduct allegations|his misogyny]] and [[Racial views of Donald Trump|spews racist insults]]. Trump is not a [[despot]]. But neither were [[Mussolini]] and [[Hitler]] early on. No [[w:Blackshirts|black]] or {{w|brown shirts}} march in our streets. President Trump’s enablers wear white shirts and black robes. They are unified. Democrats are not.
** [[Claudia Koonz]], ''[https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/173030 Autocrats do not need a majority to destroy democracy. A divided opposition helps them.]'' (September 15, 2019), ''{{w|History News Network}}''.

* Look, Trump has been elected, he will be our president and he has the right to choose conservatives. But instead of turning to the many principled Republicans available, he seems drawn to hotheads and [[bigots]], embarrassing himself and our nation.
** [[Nicholas D. Kristof]], ''[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/20/opinion/sunday/so-many-options-yet-donald-trump-picks-the-ugly.html Trump Embarrasses Himself and Our Country]'', ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (November 19, 2016)

*Isn't Donald Trump the very epitome of vulgarity? In sum... Isn't [[Trumpism]] a two-bit Caesarism of a kind that American conservatives have always disdained? Isn't the task of conservatives today to stand athwart Trumpism, yelling Stop?
** [[Bill Kristol|William Kristol]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* What do African-Americans have to lose, asks Donald Trump.
** [[Paul Krugman]], about the comments of Trump on African Americans in the United States. [https://twitter.com/paulkrugman/status/766985736843165696 Twitter, August 20, 2016]

=== L ===

* There is nothing like a common adversary to make people recognize what they have in common. Once there was consensus that civility, compassion, immigration, equal opportunity and foreign allies were good; that racism, misogyny, discrimination, voter suppression and foreign autocrats were bad; that respect for the U.S. military, intelligence community, political leaders, science, the Constitution and the rule of law was a given; that the American promise was based on good faith, compromise and checks and balances; and that presidents should be role models.
** {{citation |date=2020-10-19 |title=Trump’s COVID-19 Misinformation Since Testing Positive | author= Jill Lawren | periodical=USA Today | url=https://usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2020/10/19/never-trump-conservatives-for-biden-patriots-role-models-column/3696503001/}}

* On January 20, 2017, Donald John Trump became president, unskilled in the machinery of government and unmoved morally by the calling of the position, but aglow in his unmatched power. The first three years of Trump's term revealed a presidency of one, in which the universal value was loyalty- not to the country, but to the president himself. Scandal, bluster, and uninhibited chaos reigned. Decisions were driven by a reflexive logic of self-preservation and self-aggrandizement. Delusions born of narcissism and insecurity overtook reality.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 1

* The year 2020 will be remembered in the American epoch as one of anguish and abject failure. The coronavirus pandemic killed more than half a million people in the United States and infected tens of millions more, the deadliest health crisis in a century. Through the administration's [[w:Operation Warp Speed|Operation Warp Speed]] helped produce [[COVID-19 vaccine|vaccines]] in record time, its overall coronavirus response was mismanaged by the president and marred by ineptitude and backbiting. The virus was only one of the crises Trump confronted in 2020. The pandemic paralyzed the economy, plunging the nation into a recession during which low-wage workers, many of them minorities, suffered the most. The May 25 killing of [[George Floyd]], a Black man, under the knee of a white police officer ignited protests for racial justice and an end to police discrimination and brutality. Yet Trump sought to exploit the simmering divisions for personal political gain, quickly declared himself &quot;your president of law and order&quot; and relentlessly pressured Pentagon leaders to deploy active-duty troops against [[Black Lives Matter]] protestors. The worsening [[Global warming|climate crisis]], meanwhile, was almost entirely ignored Trump, who earlier in his term had rolled back [[Environmentalism|environmental]] regulations and withdrawn the United States from the [[Paris Agreement]]. The president was instead preoccupied with stoking doubts about the legitimacy of the election. After he lost to Joe Biden, Trump fanned the flames of conspiracies and howled about fraud that did not exist. His false claims of a &quot;rigged election&quot; inspired thousands of people to storm the Capitol in [[2021 United States Capitol attack|a violent and ultimately failed insurrection on January 6, 2021]].
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 2

* Most of Trump's failings can be explained by a simple truth: He cared more about himself than the country. Whether managing the coronavirus or reacting to his election defeat, Trump prioritized what he thought to be his political and personal interests over the common good.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 4

* ...shrewdness, coupled with shamelessness and unnatural political stamina, allowed Trump to deliver on many of his political promises. He pleased his conservative base by remaking the federal judiciary, including with three nominations to the Supreme Court; cutting taxes on corporations and the wealthy; expanding the military; toughening border enforcement; and weakening the regulatory state. Trump also forged new bilateral trade agreements, negotiated peace accords in the Middle East, and won concessions from European allies he had argued were taking advantage of the United States. Trump nearly won a second term. More than 74 million people voted to reelect him- the second-highest total ever recorded, the highest being Biden's 81 million. Were it not for Biden's victories in a handful of swing states, Trump would have won the electoral college and secured four more years in office. It would be foolhardy then to dismiss his presidency as a failure and to turn the page on this period. Rather, we must try to understand what made him so appealing to so many, and what that reveals about the country.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 6-7

*Deserate people do desperate things in desperate times, unfortunately the American people  are facing desperate times of [[COVID-19]], but '''this  president is in desperate times'''... as he speaks ill about senator Harris '''he speaks ill about women''', and we hear it and it is a '''loud siren across this nation'''
**[[Sheila Jackson Lee]] on [https://www.facebook.com/AC360/videos/trump-intentionally-mispronouncing-kamala-harris-name/715040455763281/ Anderson Cooper 360 (video)] on  October 26, 2020

* Sadism has even found a prominent position in popular culture. Many prime-time television series now owe their staying power to the sadistic impulses they exploit on the tube. Audience members find tremendous enjoyment in viewing horrified contestants who devour worms and insects on NBC's ''Fear Factor''; Donald Trump who exclaims without nuance, &quot;You're fired&quot; on his wildly popular series, ''The Apprentice''...
** Jack Levin and James Alan Fox, &quot;Normalcy in Behavioral Characteristics of the Sadistic Serial Killer&quot;, Chapter 1 in ''Serial Murder and the Psychology of Violent Crimes'', edited by Richard N. Kocsis, 2008 Humana Press; p. 12-13

*Donald Trump is no conservative. That's not a crime, it's just a reason to vote against him. Many fine people are not conservatives. But the reason Trump's candidacy should worry the Right runs much deeper than that. He poses a direct challenge to conservatism, because he embodies the empty promise of managerial leadership outside of politics.
** Yuval Levin, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

*Trump...is an unstable, reckless and irrational extremist who is not bound by the rule of any law, and is eager to dismantle all constraints on the looting of the planet. If he wins again, he will be even less constrained. Some of his actions will be catastrophically irreversible.
**[[Aurora Levins Morales]] [https://convergencemag.com/articles/midnight-in-the-latrines-again/ &quot;Midnight in the Latrines&quot;] (2020)

*We have now arrived at a point where what is being spouted by Donald Trump, and others, amounts to a shallow, vulgar, uncompassionate conservatism. Sadly, to many Republicans, [[George W. Bush|Bush]] is now a punchline, and Trump is the fad of the moment.
** Matt Lewis, [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/11/25/you-guys-i-m-starting-to-miss-dubya.html &quot;You Guys, I'm Starting to Miss Dubya&quot;] (25 November 2015), ''The Daily Beast''

*President Trump’s order to take out [[Qasem Soleimani]] was morally, constitutionally and strategically correct. It deserves more bipartisan support than the begrudging or negative reactions it has received thus far from my fellow Democrats.
** [[Joe Lieberman]], [https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-democrats-and-iran-11578262553 &quot;The Democrats and Iran&quot;], ''[[w:The Wall Street Journal|The Wall Street Journal]]'' (January 5, 2020)

*I know Donald Trump. He's been a frequent guest on my radio and television programs, and I introduced him at the [[w:Conservative Political Action Conference|Conservative Political Action Conference]] in 2015. He has always been amiable and complimentary. I genuinely like him. But not as my presidential pick.
** [[Dana Loesch]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump's time in the White House is finally over.  His presidency can be summarized as chaos, division, threats and hate.  It's a wake up call for what can happen when hate and extremism are let in.  
** [[w:Stefan Löfven|Stefan Löfven]], Prime Minister of Sweden, on [https://www.facebook.com/stefanlofven/posts/5326105824096935 FaceBook, January 20 2021] (in Swedish).

*While Trump's appeal to various groups may be understandable, he makes a terrible champion for Republicans, and especially for conservatives. By the standards we typically use to evaluate candidates — their records, their views, their popularity with the general public, their experience, their temperament, their character — Trump should be dismissed out of hand. No candidate is perfect, but large numbers of conservatives have never before supported any candidate so obviously deficient in all of these respects. That Trump has a long history of liberal positions that extends even into the fairly recent past should not by itself be disqualifying. Conservatism has always welcomed converts. But conservatives have also expected some demonstrated commitment to their principles, some action that advanced their causes, before seeking to elevate a convert to high office. When Mitt Romney ran for the Senate in 1994, for example, he tried to distance himself from Reagan-era conservatism. He later moved right. But even on his least conservative day, Romney was arguing for a smaller government and lower taxes (and for an end to [[Ted Kennedy]]'s career). Trump, by contrast, has done essentially nothing for any conservative cause prior to deciding to run for the Republican presidential nomination. 
** [[Rich Lowry]] and Ramesh Ponnuru, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/425010/donald-trump-lowry-ponnuru &quot;Trump Wrongs The Right&quot;] (19 October 2015), ''National Review''.

* Trump obviously never meant to impose a wealth test on his administration, or he would have failed it himself. He is proof that a fortune isn't necessarily an obstacle to being a champion of an agenda of {{w|populist}} reform.
** [[Rich Lowry]], ''[http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/11/no-the-swamp-wont-be-drained-214493 No, the Swamp Won't Be Drained]'', ''{{w|Politico}}'' (December 01, 2016)

* He wouldn't {{w|drain the swamp}}, but merely feed different alligators.
** [[Rich Lowry]], ''[http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/11/no-the-swamp-wont-be-drained-214493 No, the Swamp Won't Be Drained]'', ''{{w|Politico}}'' (December 01, 2016)

* No participant in an administration that caged children, performed involuntary surgeries on captive women, and scoffed at science as millions were infected with a deadly virus should be enriched by the almost rote largesse of a big book deal. And no one who incited, suborned, instigated, or otherwise supported the January 6, 2021 coup attempt should have their philosophies remunerated and disseminated through our beloved publishing houses.
** Barry Lyga, novelist, in a letter signed by more than 250 authors, editors, agents, professors and others in the American literary community, as quoted in {{citation |date=2021-01-15 |title=Hundreds in publishing sign letter objecting to book deals for the Trump administration | author= Dorany Pineda | periodical=Los Angeles Times | url=https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2021-01-15/book-world-signs-letter-to-block-trump-book-deals}}

* When you get up there and try to say you want to see Hillary Clinton win, that wouldn't go over so big. Trump has sold me. What more can I say? I just think he's the only one who's going to turn this country around.
** [[Loretta Lynn]], as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/01/13/this-huge-country-star-just-revealed-the-republican-shes-supporting-for-president/ &quot;This Huge Country Star Just Revealed The Republican She's Supporting For President&quot;] by Kaitlan Collins, ''The Daily Caller'' (13 January 2016)

=== M ===
* [Trump ... alpha male] they’re overcompensating for how insecure they feel — a man who is secure with himself, a human who is secure with themselves, doesn’t have to go around bullying people all the time.
** [[Madonna]] stating it was not true that she had ever asked Donald Trump for a date according to [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/05/magazine/madonna-madame-x.html Madonna at Sixty] published June 5, 2019

*Donald Trump, for all of his bluster, is at least authentically stupid... All these other guys are clown posers. Trump is the genuine article. And, God help me, I think I'd rather have him sitting in the Oval Office, getting stupidly out-maneuvered by the politicians under him, than bringing in a guy like [[Ben Carson|Carson]] who is willing to shred every last bit of his intellectual credibility in order to lord over a citizenry he doesn't seem to have much respect for.
** {{w|Drew Magary}}, [http://www.gq.com/story/fuck-ben-carson &quot;F*ck Ben Carson&quot;], ''GQ'' (8 October 2015)

* New Rule: Whenever you think the [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says &quot;We're serious about fiscal responsibility&quot; quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times.
** {{citation
 | author = [[Bill Maher]]
 | year = 2011
 | title = The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
 | location = New York
 | publisher = Blue Rider Press
 | isbn = 978-0399158414
}}

* Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally— he's the white [[Kanye West|Kanye]]. And they are gonna love him. For a party whose base adores belligerence, this is the guy.
** [[Bill Maher]], {{citation
 | date = 2015-06-26
 | title = Real Time with Bill Maher
 | medium = TV
 | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTL-M3e6lq0
}}

* Did you know that of the 14 states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump?
** [[Bill Maher]] ''Real Time with Bill Maher'', January 20th 2017

* His behavior defies the traditional definition of what it means to be &quot;manly.&quot; He wears bronzer, loves gold and gossip, is obsessed with his physical appearance, whines constantly, can't control his emotions, watches daytime television, enjoys parades and interior decorating, and used to sell perfume. 
** Windsor Mann, {{citation
 | date = 2019-02-18
 | title = The least macho president
 | publisher = The Week
 | url = https://theweek.com/articles/816310/least-macho-president
}}

* He set us back like 10 years.  We have worked so hard to promote our values, values that made him president when he hawked them, and now he does this, leaving everything in shambles? Nah, destroy him. Let it be a lesson to every other 'populist'.
** Frances Martel, international news editor at Breitbart News, as quoted by {{citation
 | author = Will Sommer
 | date = 2021-01-15
 | title = ‘Destroy Trump’: Breitbart Staffers Seethe After Capitol Riot
 | publisher = Daily Beast
 | url = https://www.thedailybeast.com/breitbart-staffers-clashed-over-blaming-trump-for-capitol-riot-leaked-chats-show?ref=home?ref=home
}}

* I think even during the campaign I said that Trump reminded me most of [[w:Joffrey Baratheon|Joffrey]]. They have the same level of emotional maturity. And Joffrey likes to remind everyone that he's king. And he thinks that gives him the ability to do anything. And we're not an [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchy]], like [[w:Westeros|Westeros]] is. We're a constitutional republic. And yet, Trump doesn't seem to know what that means. He thinks the presidency gives him the power to do anything. And so, yeah, Joffrey is Trump.
** [[George R. R. Martin]], interviewed by Jamie Sims in the ''T: The New York Times Style Magazine'', [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/16/t-magazine/george-rr-martin-qanda-game-of-thrones.html &quot;George R. R. Martin Answers Times Staffers’ Burning Questions,&quot;] October 16, 2018.

* Today's violent assault on our Capitol, an effort to subjugate American democracy by mob rule, was fomented by Mr. Trump. His use of the Presidency to destroy trust in our election and to poison our respect for fellow citizens has been enabled by pseudo political leaders whose names will live in infamy as profiles in cowardice.  Our Constitution and our Republic will overcome this stain and We the People will come together again in our never-ending effort to form a more perfect Union, while Mr. Trump will deservedly be left a man without a country.  
** [[Jim Mattis|James Mattis]]  {{citation
 | date = 2020-01-07
 | title = Former Defense Secretary Mattis says Trump 'fomented' the security breach at the US Capitol
 | publisher = abc NEWS
 | url = https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/defense-secretary-mattis-trump-fomented-security-breach-us/story?id=75100611
}}

* Trump is a potential disaster as commander-in-chief—uninformed, volatile, poor judgment. Hard to believe this is the candidate of a major political party.
** [[Barry McCaffrey]], retired four-star U.S. Army general, as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/does-military-think-donald-trump-204408128.html &quot;What Does the Military Think of Donald Trump?&quot;] (15 June 2016), ''Time''

* In recent days, Donald Trump disparaged a fallen soldier's parents. He has suggested that the likes of their son should not be allowed in the United States — to say nothing of entering its service. I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* I claim no moral superiority over Donald Trump. I have a long and well-known public and private record for which I will have to answer at the Final Judgment, and I repose my hope in the promise of mercy and the moderation of age. I challenge the nominee to set the example for what our country can and should represent.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* [[Arizona]] is watching. It is time for Donald Trump to set the example for our country and the future of the Republican Party. While our Party has bestowed upon him the nomination, it is not accompanied by unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* [[2018 Russia–United States summit|Today's press conference in Helsinki]] was one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory. The damage inflicted by [[President Trump]]'s [[naiveté]], [[egotism]], [[false]] [[equivalence]], and [[sympathy]] for [[autocrats]] is difficult to calculate. … President Trump proved not only unable, but unwilling to stand up to [[Putin]]. He and Putin seemed to be speaking from the same script as the president made a conscious [[choice]] to defend a [[tyrant]] against the fair questions of a [[free press]], and to grant Putin an uncontested platform to spew [[propaganda]] and [[lies]] to the [[world]]. … No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant. Not only did President Trump fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad. American presidents must be the champions of that cause if it is to [[succeed]]. Americans are [[waiting]] and hoping for President Trump to embrace that [[sacred]] [[responsibility]]. One can only [[hope]] they are not waiting totally in vain.
** [[John McCain]], official statement: [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?p=press-releases&amp;id=A99FDA26-673D-4560-B4EA-5AEDF0685EC5 &quot;SASC Chairman John Mccain on Trump-Putin Meeting&quot; (16 July 2018)]

*The presidency's most crucial duty is the protection of American national security. Yet, interviewed by Hugh Hewitt months into his campaign, Donald Trump did not know the key leaders of the global jihad. The man who would be commander-in-chief was unfamiliar with [[Hassan Nasrallah]], the [[Hezbollah]] leader who has been murdering Americans for over 30 years; Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's longtime deputy who has quite notoriously commanded al-Qaeda since the network's leader was killed by U.S. forces in 2011; and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, self-proclaimed caliph of the Islamic State (ISIS) and a jihadist so globally notorious that many teenagers are aware of him. Of course a man who wants to be president should make it his business to know such things.
**Andrew C. McCarthy, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

&lt;i&gt; About the [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|attack on US Capitol]]: &lt;/i&gt; 
* The mob was fed lies. They were provoked by the President and other powerful people.
** Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, Republican, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-19 
 | author = Alex Rogers, Clare Foran
 | title = Mitch McConnell: Capitol Hill mob was 'provoked' by Trump
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/19/politics/mitch-mcconnell-rioters-provoked/index.html
}}
&lt;i&gt; About the attack on US Capitol: &lt;/i&gt; 
* Former President Trump's actions that preceded the riot were a disgraceful, disgraceful dereliction of duty.  Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day.
* Impeachment was never meant to be the final forum for American justice
* We have a criminal justice system in this country. We have civil litigation. And former Presidents are not immune from being held accountable by either one.
* He did not do his job.  He didn't take steps so federal law could be faithfully executed and order restored. No. Instead, according to public reports, he watched television happily -- happily -- as the chaos unfolded.
** Mitch McConnell, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-02-13
 | author = Alex Rogers and Manu Raju
 | title = McConnell blames Trump but voted not guilty anyway
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/02/13/politics/mitch-mcconnell-acquit-trump/index.html
}}

*When you think of how far we have come, and at what cost, and with what faith, to just turn it all over to this monstrous clown with a monstrous ego, with no experience, never served his country in any way — it's just crazy. We can't stand by and let it happen. The Republican Party shouldn't stand by and let it happen.
** {{w|David McCullough}}, quoted by Jim Dwyer in ''{{w|The New York Times}}'', [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/13/nyregion/donald-trump-david-mccullough-ken-burns.html &quot;Scholars Steeped in Dead Politicians Take On a Live One: Donald Trump,&quot;] July 12 2016.

*Trump had been calling for better relations with [[Russia]] during his presidential campaign... Stooping to a new low, Friday's (New York) Times headline screamed: &quot;F.B.I. Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Was Secretly Working on Behalf of Russia.&quot;  For those interested in evidence — or the lack of it— regarding collusion between Russia and the presidential campaign of Donald Trump, we can thank the usual Russia-gate promoters at [[Mainstream media|The New York Times and CNN]] for inadvertently filling in some gaps in recent days... NYT readers had to get down to paragraph 9 to read: &quot;No evidence has emerged...&quot;
**[[Ray McGovern]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/01/15/russia-gate-evidence-please/ ''Ray McGovern: Russia-gate Evidence, Please,''] (15 January 2019) 

* Donald Trump is no conservative. He's a populist whose theme is: Our government is broken, and I'll fix it. He's right on point one: Both parties have failed to lead. Obama and congressional Democrats manipulate the levers of power to push America farther toward European socialism; Republicans promise free-market alternatives but end up caving in to pressure or carrying water for the GOP's own big-government special interests. The American people have signaled in recent elections that they've had enough of business as usual, and now they want to clean house. Yet Trump is no better than what we already have. He'll say anything to get a vote but give us more of the same if he gets into office. Trump beguiles us, defies the politically correct media, and bullies anyone who points out that the emperor has no clothes. None of that makes him a conservative who cherishes liberty... For decades, Trump has argued for big government.
** David McIntosh, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump himself thought it was a good idea in the recent past to support Hillary Clinton, including to be President.
** Dan McLaughlin, [http://www.redstate.com/dan_mclaughlin/2016/05/17/never-trump-movement-neither-anti-american-hypocritical/ &quot;The Never Trump Movement Is Neither Anti-American Nor Hypocritical&quot;] (17 May 2016), ''Red State''

* Trump is unexpectedly increasing my enthusiasm for [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]]. What he is saying is not based on facts: it's based on immaturity, bad judgment and ignorance, and I think it's going to be hard for people in uniform who are thoughtful about this, to vote for him.
** [[Merrill McPeak]], retired U.S. Air Force chief of staff, as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/does-military-think-donald-trump-204408128.html &quot;What Does the Military Think of Donald Trump?&quot;] (15 June 2016), ''Time''

* Donald Trump is an original
** [[John McWhorter]] '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phsU1vVHOQI Language Expert: Donald Trump's Way Of Speaking Is 'Oddly Adolescent' | The 11th Hour | MSNBC]''' (September 15, 2017)

* Trump's brawling, blustery, mean-spirited public persona serves to associate conservatives with all the negative stereotypes that liberals have for decades attached to their opponents on the right. According to conventional caricature, conservatives are selfish, greedy, materialistic, bullying, misogynistic, angry, and intolerant. They are, we're told, privileged and pampered elitists who revel in the advantages of inherited wealth while displaying only cruel contempt for the less fortunate and the less powerful. The Left tried to smear Ronald Reagan in such terms but failed miserably because he displayed none of the stereotypical traits... Trump is the living, breathing, bellowing personification of all the nasty characteristics Democrats routinely ascribe to Republicans.
** {{w|Michael Medved}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* There are two tactical approaches for candidates seeking their party's nomination in election campaigns. One is to strongly debate the issues and firmly advocate your positions, but to avoid personal attacks on your opponents or needless divisiveness. The other is to vigorously attack your fellow candidates, disparaging them personally and seeking to raise yourself up by dragging them down. Ronald Reagan was famous for epitomizing the former path. Donald Trump, unfortunately, has chosen to follow the latter course... At a time when the nation is suffering under one of the most divisive and incompetent presidents in history, our people need positive, unifying leadership, not negative, destructive political rhetoric.
** [[Edwin Meese]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump owes less to [[Wendell Willkie|Willkie]]'s tradition than to [[Benito Mussolini]]'s, and not only because of the superficial: Trump's chin-out toughness, sweeping right-hand gestures and talk of his &quot;huge&quot; successes and his &quot;stupid&quot; opponents all evoke the Italian dictator's style. Monday's breathtaking announcement that he would block all Muslims from entering the United States has many pointing out the obvious fascist overtones... Trump uses many of the fascist's tools: a contempt for facts, spreading a pervasive sense of fear and overwhelming crisis, portraying his backers as victims, assigning blame to foreign or alien actors and suggesting only his powerful personality can transcend the crisis. He endorsed the violence done to a dissenter at one of his rallies, and he now floats the idea of making entry to the United States contingent on religion.
** [[Dana Milbank]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-isnt-todays-wendell-willkie-hes-todays-benito-mussolini/2015/12/08/77c81b0c-9ddc-11e5-a3c5-c77f2cc5a43c_story.html &quot;Donald Trump, America's modern Mussolini&quot;] (8 December 2015), ''The Washington Post''.

* For all the promises Trump is breaking, there is one he has kept without wavering: his vow to be unpredictable. ... Some suggest that there is a method to Trump's [[madness]], that he is trying to make would-be adversaries think he is [[irrational]] and capricious, thereby making [[foes]] and [[rivals]] wary of pushing him too far. ... But in Trump's application of the {{w|Madman Theory}} there seems to be less [[theory]] than madman. There may be advantages to keeping foes and opponents off guard, but Trump is baffling [[friends]] and [[allies]], too. In [[foreign affairs]], unpredictability spooks allies and spreads instability. And unpredictable [[policy]] at home has long been seen as toxic for business. ... The widespread [[chaos]] suggests Trump isn't signaling new policies as much as he's winging it. His unpredictability is not a theory. It's the absence of one.
** [[Dana Milbank]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/trumps-one-consistent-policy-chaos/2016/12/06/f1a5a5ae-bbf7-11e6-91ee-1adddfe36cbe_story.html?utm_term=.f664c9ebc888 Trump's one consistent policy: Chaos]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 6, 2016)

* You never know where the president's trigger point is
** Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Mark Milley according to  &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcGUVBJgZnE Milley took top-secret action to limit Trump's ability to order military strike, book says]&quot; (January8, 2021)

*He needs no introduction. His name is familiar to every person on the planet Earth. His name comes up in almost every conversation in the world on global politics. His every word is followed by tens of millions. He has left a deep and lasting impact everywhere.
**[[Narendra Modi]], speaking at the &quot;Howdy Modi&quot; rally at NRG Stadium in Houston, United States, ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhFC-Un3J9Q ETV Andhra Pradesh]'' (22 September 2019)

[[File:Moon Jae-in 2017.jpg|thumb|President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize. ~ [[Moon Jae-in]]]]
* '''President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize.'''
** [[Moon Jae-in]], as quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-northkorea-southkorea-trump/trump-should-win-the-nobel-peace-prize-says-south-koreas-moon-idUSKBN1I10OD &quot;South Korea president says Trump deserves Nobel Peace Prize&quot;] by Hyonhee Shin, ''Reuters'' (30 April 2018)

* The three primary goals of religious conservatives: to protect all human life, including that of the unborn; to reinforce the sanctity of marriage and the family; and to conserve the religious freedom of all persons. All three goals would be in jeopardy under a Trump presidency. Yes, Trump says that he is pro-life now, despite having supported partial-birth abortion in the past. The problem is not whether he can check a box. Pro-life voters expect leaders to have a coherent vision of human dignity and to be able to defend against assaults on human life in the future—some of which may be unimaginable today and will present themselves only as new technologies develop.
** Russell Moore, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump's proposal would assure the enmity of all Muslims, including those whose support we need if we are to prevail. Even assuming an infallible way to identify who is Muslim, the proposal is both under- and over-inclusive. It is under-inclusive because it does not address potential terrorists who have U.S. passports or residence permits, or are already here, or may threaten us abroad; it is over-inclusive because it bars the huge majority of Muslims who are not potential terrorists. Trump says he would order the military to kill the families of terrorists. That would be a direct violation of the most basic laws of armed conflict, which require that deadly force be used only when required by military necessity, under circumstances that allow distinction between military and civilian targets, and when incidental damage to non-military targets is proportional to the military advantage gained. A military that adhered to the laws of armed conflict would necessarily disobey such an order; if it followed the order, both the person who gave it and those who followed it would be subject to prosecution for war crimes. 
** Michael B. Mukasey, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

*What a fucking idiot.
**[[Rupert Murdoch]], as quoted in [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2018/01/michael-wolff-fire-and-fury-book-donald-trump.html &quot;Donald Trump Didn't Want to Be President&quot;] (January 2017), by Michael Wolff, ''NY Mag''

* I want him out. He has caused enough damage.
** Lisa Murkovski, Republican senator, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-10 
 | author = Kate Sullivan, Nicky Robertson
 | title = Republican Sen. Pat Toomey says he thinks Trump 'committed impeachable offenses'
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/09/politics/pat-toomey-trump-impeachable-offenses/index.html
}}

*Trump has gotten six or seven stories in his [[President of the United States|presidency]] so far, that if they happened in 1981, there would have been serious talk about the president needing to resign. And that's gone now, that ray gun of, ''&quot;We don't do this. You can't get away with that&quot;'' is pretty much gone... Everything is a [[Bigotry|racial stereotype]] with him half the time. We've got to admit that about [[Trump]].
**[[Mike Murphy]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/mike-murphy/ interview with Bill Kristol] (20 June 2017)

*A Moscow loving grifter is on the loose in the White House. Shame on the Vichy Republicans who constantly enable him.
**[[Mike Murphy (political consultant)|Mike Murphy]], [https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/04/playbook-birthday-mike-murphy-620654 interview with Daniel Lippman] (2018)

* Yes, I’m supporting [[Donald Trump]]; I’m doing so as enthusiastically as I can do. In fact, I think he’s a terrible [[human]] being.
** [[Mick Mulvaney]] according to [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/15/mick-mulvaney-donald-trump-video-terrible-human Debate between Mulvaney and the Democrat Fran Person in York, South Carolina] (15 Dec 2018)

* I don't hate the man, but it's time for Trump to hang up his hat &amp; sail into the sunset.
* Do we really want a bull in a china shop situation every single day!? Also, I think the legal maximum age for start of Presidential term should be 69.
** Elon Musk, quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/other/3554566-elon-musk-time-for-trump-to-hang-up-his-hat-sail-into-the-sunset/ &quot;Elon Musk: Time for Trump to ‘hang up his hat &amp; sail into the sunset’&quot;], 7 July 2022

* What kind of son have I created?
** [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|Mary Trump]] (Trump's mother), [https://archive.vanityfair.com/article/share/e515a2cd-a51b-4f83-8d61-6ebb9a104e0a is said] to have asked [[Ivana Trump]]

=== N ===
* When Trump came for the Mexicans, I did not speak out — as I was not a Mexican. When he came for the Muslims I did not speak out — as I was not a Muslim. Then he came for me.
** [[New York Daily News|The Daily News]], variant of ''{{w|First they came ...}}'' by [[Martin Niemöller]], as quoted in ''[https://www.businessinsider.com/daily-news-donald-trump-muslim-cover-2015-12 Daily News cover shows Donald Trump cutting off the Statue of Liberty's head]'' (December 09, 2015) by Colin Campbell, ''{{w|Business Insider}}''

* I love Donald, and he would make a great [[President of the United States|president]]. Number one, he tells the truth. Number two, he's been where most of these guys want to be, in terms of riding on his own plane. He doesn't have to worry about what hotels he stays in, he doesn't have to worry about how his family gets to Hawaii, so on and so forth. I could give you so many reasons. But most of all, most important I think for Mr. Trump, is he tells it like it is. Look, we can talk about these radicals all we want, but it's my opinion, and I heard [Trump] say this too: They're only going to be as radical as we let them be.
** [[w:Wayne Newton|Wayne Newton]] on {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-06
 | title = [[w:Fox &amp; Friends|Fox &amp; Friends]]
 | medium = TV
}} — as quoted in [http://thehill.com/video/in-the-news/256070-wayne-newton-all-in-on-trump &quot;Wayne Newton all in on Trump&quot;] by Judy Kurtz, ''The Hill'' (6 October 2015)

* Mr President... STOP THE INSANITY You lost the election - here's how to save your legacy
** New York Post, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/28/media/new-york-post-donald-trump-editorial/index.html &quot;New York Post to Donald Trump: Stop the insanity&quot;], David Goldman, ''CNN'' (29 December 2020)

* Trump has chosen to identify himself as a Republican as a matter of egotistical convenience.
** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [http://thefederalist.com/2016/02/24/ill-take-hillary-clinton-over-donald-trump/ &quot;I'll Take Hillary Clinton Over Donald Trump&quot;] (24 February 2016), ''The Federalist''

* Donald Trump is the most willfully ignorant man ever to hold the presidency. He does not understand even basic concepts of … well, almost anything. (Yesterday, he explained to a woman in Michigan that he would lower food prices by limiting food imports—in other words, by ''reducing the supply of food.'' Trump went to the Wharton School, where I assume “supply and demand” was part of the first-year curriculum.) He is insensate to anything that conflicts with his needs or beliefs, and briefing him on any topic is virtually impossible.
** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2024/09/scientific-american-harris-endorsement-science-covid/679931/ ''Scientific American'' Didn’t Need to Endorse Anybody] (18 September 2024)

* '''As you can imagine, [Pat] is an expert on politics and she predicts whenever you decide to run for office you will be a winner!'''
** [[Richard Nixon]], crediting his wife [[w:Pat Nixon|Pat Nixon]] in a letter to Trump in 1987, [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/nixon-predicted-trump-success/ FACT CHECK: Did Richard Nixon Write a Letter Predicting Donald Trump’s Success in Politics?], ''[[w:Snopes|Snopes]]'', (May 18, 2017)

*Have you ever argued with a toddler? Because if you have, you probably lost that argument, or you killed the toddler. Either way, you didn't win the argument, because you can't win an argument against a toddler. Toddlers will say the most outlandish shit. [...] Over the course of this election season, we've come to realize that president-elect Donald Trump might have the mind of a toddler. And if you think about it, it makes sense. He loves the same things that toddlers do. They like building things. They love attention, always grabbing things they're not supposed to. [...] You don't argue with a child if you want to win. Don't amplify the toddler's voice, because you'll just get trapped in the toddler's world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate. Because logic is the downfall of every toddler. The point is to gently demoralize the toddler and smother his tantrums. And, as a bonus, stop him from delegitimizing the press.
**[[Trevor Noah]], ''[[The Daily Show]]'', November 30, 2016. Quoted in ''[https://www.businessinsider.com/trevor-noah-trump-toddler-2016-11 Trevor Noah: How journalists really need to deal with Trump]'' (November 30, 2016) by Paul Schrodt, ''{{w|Business Insider}}''

* Donald Trump should be given the [[w:Presidential Medal of Freedom|Medal of Freedom]] for speaking his mind in such a bold, honest and straight-forward manner.
** [[Ted Nugent]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20150710040259/http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/give-trump-the-medal-of-freedom/ Give Trump the Medal of Freedom]'', ''{{w|WorldNetDaily}}''  (August 7, 2015). Quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2018/09/shaq-didnt-call-trump-the-best-president/ Shaq Didn’t Call Trump the 'Best President']'' (September 17, 2018) by Catherine Monk, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''

* Donald Trump comes closer than anyone else to being the archetype of the species; crossing genres, he exemplifies all the ways an asshole can capture our attention.
** {{citation
 | author = Geoffrey Nunberg
 | date = 2012-08-14
 | title = [[w:Ascent of the A-Word|Ascent of the A-Word: Assholism, the First Sixty Years]]
 | location = New York
 | publisher = PublicAffairs
 | isbn = 978-1610391757
 | pages = 164-165
}}

*I'd like to take Donald Trump to Palestine,/set him free in the streets of Ramallah or Nablus/amidst all the winners who never gave up in sixty-/nine years./They'd like to make their country great again too,/if only their hands weren't tied by the weapons/our country donates. 
**[[Naomi Shihab Nye]] ''Voices in the Air'' (2018)

=== O ===
* [Americans have] a continuing normative commitment to the ideals of individual freedom and mobility, values that extend far beyond the issue of race in the American mind. The depth of this commitment may be summarily dismissed as the unfounded optimism of the average American—I may not be Donald Trump now, but just you wait; if I don't make it, my children will.
** [[Barack Obama]], in a 1991 law school paper called &quot;Race and Rights Rhetoric&quot;, as quoted in ''Rising Star: The Making of Barack Obama'' (2017) by David Garrow, and reported in [https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/young-obama-said-the-american-dream-is-to-be-donald-trump &quot;Young Obama Said the American Dream Is to Be Donald Trump&quot;, ''Vice'' (12 May 2017)]

*We've got a debate inside the other party that is fantasy and schoolyard taunts and selling stuff like it's the Home Shopping Network. And then you've got the Republican establishment -- they're very exercised: We're shocked that somebody would be saying these things. We're shocked that somebody is fanning anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-Muslim sentiment. '''We're shocked! We're shocked that somebody could be loose with the facts. Or distort someone's record -- shocked... This is the guy, remember, who was sure that I was born in Kenya. Who just wouldn't let it go. And all this same Republican establishment, they weren't saying nothing. As long as it was directed at me, they were fine with it. They thought it was a hoot. Wanted to get his endorsement... What is happening in this primary is just a distillation of what's been happening inside their party for more than a decade.''' I mean, the reason that many of their voters are responding is because this is what's been fed through the messages they've been sending for a long time -- that you just make flat assertions that don't comport with the facts. That you just deny the evidence of science. That compromise is a betrayal. That the other side isn't simply wrong, or we just disagree, we want to take a different approach, but the other side is destroying the country, or treasonous. I mean, that's - look it up. That's what they've been saying. So they can't be surprised when somebody suddenly looks and says, you know what, I can do that even better. I can make stuff up better than that. I can be more outrageous than that. I can insult people even better than that. I can be even more uncivil.
**Barack Obama on Trump, [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/14/remarks-president-dnc-reception-austin-tx March 2016]

* I did hope, for the sake of our country, that Donald Trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously … But he never did. For close to four years now, he’s shown no interest in putting in the work; no interest in finding common ground; no interest in using the awesome power of his office to help anyone but himself and his friends; no interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. … Trump hasn’t grown into the job because he can’t.
**Barack Obama on Trump, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/08/democratic-national-convention-kamala-harris-barack-obama 20 August 2020]

* I like Donald Trump because he speaks from the heart. Make America Great Again is a great slogan. I would like to meet him.
** [[w:Family of Barack Obama#Malik_Obama|Malik Obama]], President Obama's half-brother, as quoted in [http://nypost.com/2016/07/24/why-obamas-half-brother-says-hell-be-voting-for-donald-trump/ &quot;Why Obama's half-brother says he'll be voting for Donald Trump&quot;] by Isabel Vincent, ''New York Post'' (24 July 2016)

*Let's take a page from Donald Trump's book and ignore [[political correctness]] for a moment. If you support Trump, you support his sexist, bigoted and racist views. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it, and this is especially true for GOP party leaders, elected officials and even community leaders. Some have said things such as, 'I don't like Trump's history of demeaning women, but I think he will be good for the economy'. Sorry, you don't get a pass because you like one of his policy proposals. It's akin to saying, 'I supported Hitler for his tax plan'. And no, I'm absolutely not comparing Trump to Hitler. But Anne Frank's 86-year-old stepsister, Eva Schloss, who survived [[Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]], did just that a few weeks ago, telling ''Newsweek'' that Trump 'is acting like another Hitler by inciting racism'.
**Dean Obeidallah, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/02/24/opinions/support-trump-support-bigotry-obeidallah/index.html &quot;A Vote For Trump Is A Vote&quot;] (24 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*He’s not all that. And much less impressive in person than on [[television]], as well.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/2/10/democracy_now_the_squad_sotu Interview] with Democracy Now (2020)

*He said to me, &quot;if you're ever caught cheating, you deny, deny, deny, and wear them out, and they will believe you eventually because you've denied so long.&quot;
**Jack O'Donnell, former president of the Trump Plaza casino in Atlantic City, [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/26/us/politics/stephen-moore-donald-trump-sexual-misconduct.html Believing Him: For Trump, Sticking With Men Like Stephen Moore Is Nothing New] (26 April 2019), ''New York Times''

* &lt;p&gt;This young girl, {{w|Tara Conner}}, how old is she? 20? 21. She went out and she was partying. She's from Kentucky. She went to New York and she was hanging out at all the parties, and doing what [[Paris Hilton|Paris]] and [[Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay]] do — you know, dancing, whatever. And so he held a press conference to announce whether or not she was going to ''retain'' her ''crown''. And then she started to cry, going, &quot;I just want to thank Donald for giving me a second chance.&quot; And there he is, hair looping, going ''[flipping hair over top of her head, imitating Trump]'' &quot;Everyone deserves a second chance. I'm going to give her a second chance.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;He annoys me on a multitude of levels. ''He's'' the moral authority? Left the first wife, had an affair. Left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but ''he's'' the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend! I don't enjoy him. No. No, no, no.&lt;/p&gt;
* He inherited a lot of money — wait a minute — and he's been bankrupt so many times where he didn't have to pay. But the people beneath him who he owed money to got shorted out of the money, but he got to again, try again and again. And you know what saved him the second time? After his father died, with ''that'' money, he paid off all his bankruptcy. This is not a self-made man.
* I just think that this man is sort of like one of those, you know, snake oil salesmen in ''Little House on the Prairie''.
** Rosie O'Donnell, ''The View'' (2006), quoted in &quot;[http://www.people.com/article/rosie-odonnell-addresses-donald-trump-attack-presidential-debate Rosie O'Donnell Hits Back at Donald Trump After Debate Bashing - and Calls Him an 'Orange Anus']&quot;, ''People'' ({{#formatdate:2016-09-27}})
** Referring to Trump's announcement that he would give Miss USA 2006 a &quot;second chance&quot; after her substance abuse scandal.

*This man just can't be [[w:President of the United States|president]]. They've got this button — this briefcase. He's going to find it.
**[[P. J. O'Rourke]], alluding to the nuclear codes the commander-in-chief takes control of upon assuming office, [http://www.npr.org/2016/05/09/477339063/conservative-author-pj-orourke-reluctantly-backs-clinton May 7, 2016] on [[w:NPR|NPR]]

* The [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]] created a system of {{w|checks and balances}} to limit the power of the President, but it only works if someone fucking checks or balances. And if you don't, it's no longer on Trump, it's on you. Because when you've got the presidential equivalent of a five-year-old shitting on the salad bar of a {{w|Ruby Tuesdays}}, at some point you stop blaming the five-year-old, and you start blaming the people who are not stopping him. Stop that boy, that's what I am saying. Stop that boy, now.
** [[John Oliver]] during a piece on the aftermath of Trump's firing of FBI Director [[James Comey]] on his [[w:Last Week Tonight with John Oliver|Last Week Tonight]] show (14 May 2017)

*in 2019, President Trump repeated the baseless conspiracy theory that I had committed immigration fraud, nearly three years after I thought I had answered it once and for all.
**[[Ilhan Omar]] ''This is What America Looks Like'' (2021)

* Now that he’s president-elect, you just hope that he can make the world a better place. He won fair and square. We have to give him a chance. There’s no need talking about recounts and this and that.
** [[Shaquille O'Neal]], as quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2018/09/shaq-didnt-call-trump-the-best-president/ Shaq Didn’t Call Trump the 'Best President']'' (September 17, 2018) by Catherine Monk, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''

*to me, Trump is more like [former Italian prime minister [Silvio] Berlusconi than like Hitler. Trump is many things. He is pampered, he is an immature man, he is a teenager craving unconditional, endless love from everybody. I don’t think he is fanatic. I’m not sure I would say about his vice president that he is not a fanatic, he probably is, but I don’t think Donald Trump strikes me as a fanatic.
**[[Amos Oz]] [https://forward.com/culture/416752/amos-oz-in-final-q-a-israel-is-a-dream-come-true-and-as-a-dream-come-true/ interview with ''Forward''] (2018)

=== P ===

*I'm happy with what Trump has done, because he's totally blown up the media! All of a sudden, ‘BOOM!' That lack of caution and shooting from the hip. He's not a president, of course. He's not remotely a president. He has no political skills of any kind. He's simply an American citizen who is creating his own bully pulpit.
** [[Camille Paglia]], as quoted by Luke Morgan Britan, &quot;[http://www.nme.com/blogs/nme-blogs/before-calling-taylor-swift-a-nazi-barbie-camille-paglia-laid-into-plenty-of-other-celebrities-765347#SFT3Db4CgkKHb7QH.99 Before Calling Taylor Swift A ‘Nazi Barbie', Camille Paglia Laid Into Plenty Of Other Celebrities]&quot;, NME.com, Dec 11, 2015; retrieved 15 September 2017

*Had Hillary won, everyone would have expected disappointed Trump voters to show a modicum of respect for the electoral results as well as for the historic ceremony of the inauguration, during which former combatants momentarily unite to pay homage to the peaceful transition of power in our democracy. But that was not the reaction of a vast cadre of Democrats shocked by Trump's win. In an abject failure of leadership that may be one of the most disgraceful episodes in the history of the modern Democratic party, [[Chuck Schumer]], who had risen to become the Senate Democratic leader after the retirement of [[Harry Reid]], asserted absolutely no moral authority as the party spun out of control in a nationwide orgy of rage and spite. Nor were there statesmanlike words of caution and restraint from two seasoned politicians whom I have admired for decades and believe should have run for president long ago—Senator [[Dianne Feinstein]] and Congresswoman [[Nancy Pelosi]]. How do Democrats imagine they can ever expand their electoral support if they go on and on in this self-destructive way, impugning half the nation as vile racists and homophobes?&lt;br/&gt;All of which brings us to the issue of Trump's performance to date. The initial conundrum was: could he shift from being the slashing, caustic ex-reality show star of the campaign to a more measured, presidential persona? Perhaps to the dismay of his diehard critics, Trump did indeed make that transition at the Capitol on inauguration morning, when he appeared grave and focused, palpably conveying a sense of the awesome burdens of the highest office. As for his particular actions as president, I am no fan of executive orders, which usurp congressional prerogatives and which I was already denouncing when Obama was constantly signing them (with very little protest, one might add, from the mainstream media).
** [[Camille Paglia]], as quoted by Johnathan V. Last, &quot;[http://www.weeklystandard.com/camille-paglia-on-trump-democrats-transgenderism-and-islamist-terror/article/2008464 Camille Paglia: On Trump, Democrats, Transgenderism, and Islamist Terror]&quot;, The Weekly Standard, June 15, 2017

* Only one candidate's record of success proves he is the master of [[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|the art of the deal]]... I'm here to support the next president of the United States, Donald Trump.
** [[Sarah Palin]], [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/sarah-palins-speech-endorsing-donald-trump-in-full-a6822771.html &quot;Sarah Palin's speech endorsing Donald Trump in full&quot;], ''Independent'' (20 January 2016)

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of r/The_Donald's 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

*With Donald Trump as the presumptive presidential nominee, we are witnessing a populist hijacking of one of the United States' great [[political parties]]... [R]ooted in [[ignorance]], [[prejudice]], fear and isolationism... This troubles me deeply as a Republican, but it troubles me even more as an American... Enough is enough... It's time to put country before party and say it together: Never Trump.
** [[Henry Paulson]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/when-it-comes-to-trump-a-republican-treasury-secretary-says-choose-country-over-party/2016/06/24/c7bdba34-3942-11e6-8f7c-d4c723a2becb_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory &quot;Choose country over party&quot;] (24 June 2016), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C., as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-henry-paulson-op-ed-hillary-clinton-election-2016/ ''CBS News''] (June 2016)

*Trump has made a living out of preying on and bullying society's most vulnerable, with the help of government. He isn't an outsider, but rather an unelected politician of the worst kind. He admits that he's bought off elected officials in order get his way and to openly abuse the system. The rabid defense he gets from some quarters is astonishing. Trump's liberal positions aren't in the distant past—he has openly promoted them on the campaign trail. Trump isn't fighting for anyone but himself, which has been his pattern for decades. Conservatives have a serious decision. Do we truly believe in our long-held principles and insist that politicians have records demonstrating fealty to them? Or are we willing to throw these principles away because an entertainer who has been a liberal Democrat for decades simply says some of the right things?
** {{w|Katie Pavlich}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* Observing his behavior, I have concluded that he is like the man who refuses to ask for directions.
* All of the answers are there.  And yet the president continues to go down the wrong path and refuses to ask for directions from scientists who know better than any of us.
** [[Nancy Pelosi]], talking about the need for testing, contact tracing, treatment, social distancing, masking and equipment for handling the Coronavirus pandemic, as quoted by Marisa Schultz, [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pelosi-compares-trump-to-the-man-who-refuses-to-ask-for-directions &quot;Pelosi compares Trump to 'the man who refuses to ask for directions'&quot;], July 17 2020, &lt;i&gt;CNN&lt;/i&gt;

* We might get somebody of his ilk who's sane, and that would really be dangerous, because it could be who's smart, who's strategic, and the rest. This is a slob. He doesn't believe in science. He's a snake-oil salesman. And he's shrewd. Give him credit for his shrewdness.
** [[Nancy Pelosi]], as quoted by Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 6

* Donald Trump and I believe that Captain [[w:Humayun S. M. Khan|Humayun Khan]] is an American hero and his family, like all Gold Star families, should be cherished by every American. Captain Khan gave his life to defend our country in the global war on terror. Due to the disastrous decisions of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, a once stable Middle East has now been overrun by ISIS. This must not stand. By suspending immigration from countries that have been compromised by terrorism, rebuilding our military, defeating ISIS at its source and projecting strength on the global stage, we will reduce the likelihood that other American families will face the enduring heartbreak of the Khan family.
** [[Mike Pence]], about the statements of Donald Trump on the fallen Captain {{w|Humayun S. M. Khan}}'s family — [https://www.facebook.com/mikepence/posts/10153921668637862 Facebook, July 31, 2016]

* It really is remarkable to think about the progress the American people have made over the last several months. When the president tapped me to lead the [[White House Coronavirus Task Force]], he gave us the first objective is to save lives. And to focus on slowing the spread, [[w:Flattening the curve|bending the curve]]. [...] Secondly, the president made it clear to us that we were to make sure the [[w:Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on hospitals|hospitals]] in impacted areas had the resources and the [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United States#Medical supplies|equipment]] that they needed to be able to save as many lives as possible.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* The president has made it clear that we want the governors to implement testing and deploy testing where they deem it's most appropriate in their state, we're going to continue to fully partner with states around the country to increase the supply, to make sure that they have the reagents and the test kits necessary to perform those tests. But I want to say again, it is truly -- it's a tribute to the president's leadership that early on in this process he brought in the top commercial labs in the country. They formed an alliance. And we went from one month ago to 80,000 tests being done to four million tests being completed as of yesterday. We'll continue to increase that. We'll continue to make governors aware of that.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* I've seen that report in the papers this morning. And I know that [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|HHS]] is making inquiries. But we believe those issues were resolved on that particular test by early February. But it's important for your viewers to know that that test, the slow lab-based test that is typical for [[CDC]] and {{w|public health}} labs would never have been able to meet the needs of testing in this coronavirus epidemic. That's why President Trump was so right when he brought together these commercial labs and formed a consortium. And literally took us from -- at that time in February we had done some 20,000 tests total across the country. Now we've done more than four million and we believe we'll have done more than five million tests before the end of this month. None of that would have been possible without the president's leadership, without the innovation, without the incredible efforts of companies like [[w:Roche Diagnostics|Roche]] and [[w:Avid Technology|Avid Laboratories]].
** [[Mike Pence]] on a [[w:Food and Drug Administration|FDA]]'s report stating that CDC's initial test was faulty, in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* The American people can be confident that this president wants [[w:Trump administration communication during the COVID-19 pandemic#Lifting restrictions|to reopen]] the American economy as soon as we can safely and responsibly do it.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* I wrote the scripture reference, which is 2 Corinthians 3:17, which is how it's written, I'm guilty as charged. That's exactly what I did. I sent him a couple of suggestions of some things he could talk about as a connection point. &lt;br /&gt; It shows that he's not familiar with Bible, Donald Trump's a very interesting guy. There are some things about him that I find fascinating, that I like about him, as well as other evangelicals.
** [[w:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]], in an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Erin Burnett}} on ''[[w:Erin Burnett OutFront|OutFront]]'', about Trump saying &quot;two Corinthians&quot; instead of &quot;Second Corinthians&quot; during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016)

* He offers a barking carnival act that can be best described as Trumpism: a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued... Let no one be mistaken: Donald Trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded. ... Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the {{w|Know Nothing}} movement.
** [[Rick Perry]], campaign event, Willard Hotel, {{#formatdate:2015-07-22}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-22
 | title = Perry: Trump's campaign ‘a barking carnival act' and ‘a cancer on conservatism'
 | first = Jose A.
 | last = DelReal
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/07/22/rick-perry-donald-trumps-campaign-a-barking-carnival-act-and-a-cancer-on-conservatism/
}}

* I don't know how far Trump will go. But in giving confidence to the American people and exposing establishment hypocrisy, he has already done a great service for our country.
** [[w:Jesse Lee Peterson|Jesse Lee Peterson]], [http://www.wnd.com/2015/09/cowards-join-forces-to-attack-the-bully/ &quot;Cowards join forces to attack the 'bully'&quot;], ''[[w:WorldNetDaily|WND]]'' (21 September 2015)

*To most of us, the American presidential campaign is a media freak show, in which Donald Trump is the arch villain. But Trump is loathed by those with power in the United States for reasons that have little to do with his obnoxious behaviour and opinions. To the invisible government in Washington, the unpredictable Trump is an obstacle to America’s design for the 21st century...To the militarists in Washington, the real problem with Trump is that, in his lucid moments, he seems not to want a war with Russia; he wants to talk with the [[President of Russia|Russian president]], not fight him; he says he wants to talk with the president of China. In the first debate with Hillary Clinton, Trump promised not to be the first to introduce nuclear weapons into a conflict. He said, “I would certainly not do first strike. Once the nuclear alternative happens, it’s over.” That was not news... what is clear is that Trump is considered a serious threat to the status quo maintained by the vast national security machine that runs the United States, regardless of who is in the White House. The CIA wants him beaten. The Pentagon wants him beaten. The media wants him beaten. Even his own party wants him beaten. He is a threat to the rulers of the world – unlike Clinton who has left no doubt she is prepared to go to war with nuclear-armed Russia and China... Without a shred of evidence, she has accused Russia of supporting Trump and hacking her emails.
**[[John Pilger]],  [http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article45752.htm Inside the Invisible Government: War, Propaganda, Clinton &amp; Trump], ''Information Clearing House'', October 28, 2016

*The coming war on [[China]] is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril.
**[[John Pilger]],  [https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter]  (17 June 2020)

*Trump is an unbalanced force. He is the politicized American id. Should his election results match his polls, he would be, unquestionably, the worst thing to happen to the American common culture in my lifetime.
** {{w|John Podhoretz}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''.

*Donald Trump was so awful, so horrible, so disgusting... His lies, his distortions, his deceits, and his libels thicker and fouler than they've yet been... Since he began running he has demonstrated he knows things we don't know about the emotions roiling in the American underbelly. Maybe he knows this too... He interrupts, he yells over them, he insults them, he goes over his allotted time, and the whirlwind he creates turns into a vacuum that sucks all the air out of the place and right into his attention-whore lungs. 
** {{w|John Podhoretz}}, [http://nypost.com/2016/02/13/trump-was-out-of-control-in-south-carolina-debate/ &quot;Trump was out of control in South Carolina debate&quot;] (13 February 2016), ''{{w|New York Post}}''.

* There is no comparison between the stance of Vietnam’s [[w:Nguyen Xuan Phuc|Prime Minister Nguyen Xuan Phuc]] and U.S. President [[Donald Trump]]: the former had a sober, [[science]]-based attitude, while the latter has consistently laughed off the coronavirus as a simple flu as recently as June 24.
** [[Vijay Prashad]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2020/07/16/covid-19-why-laos-vietnam-china-have-beaten-the-virus-and-india-brazil-and-the-us-have-not/ COVID-19: Why Laos, Vietnam &amp; China Have Beaten the Virus and India, Brazil and the US Have Not, ''Consortium News''] (16 July 2020)

* It’s not surprising that a criminal like Trump pardons other criminals.  But apparently to get a pardon, one has to be either a Republican, a convicted child murderer or a turkey.
** Senior US District Judge Robert Pratt of the Southern District of Iowa, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-30 |title='A criminal like Trump': Federal judge ridicules President's pardons
 | author= Ryan J. Foley | periodical=The Sydney Morning Herald | url=https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/a-criminal-like-trump-federal-judge-in-iowa-ridicules-trump-s-pardons-20201230-p56qrs.html}}

* Donald Trump and his top [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] allies in [[w:115th United States Congress|Congress]] are fighting a war, and the battle lines have begun to clarify themselves. Their war is not being waged against [[COVID-19]], the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] that has [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|killed]] tens of thousands [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|in this nation]] alone. Their war is being waged against the nation itself, and specifically against areas of the nation that are heavy on [[w:Demographics of the United States|population]] but light on Trump supporters. In other words, the big-city [[w:Red states and blue states|blue states]], whose [[w:Governor (United States)|governors]] have refused to fawn over Trump's gibberish-flecked &quot;leadership&quot; during this crisis.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump has been treating the delivery of [[w:U.S. federal government response to the COVID-19 pandemic#Speculative proposals|federal aid]] to the states like his own personal {{w|spoils system}}: rewarding loyalty, punishing critics, and demanding to be praised for doing his job whenever he actually does it, but especially when he doesn't.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* If you don’t pay your bills, your bank account stays full. It’s a trick Trump learned a long time ago.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump and McConnell know these states are reopening too soon, but they don’t care, because they need to make the money happy. [...] The utter cruelty of these tactics, the nihilistic self-destruction of it in the face of more than 55,000 dead and thousands more to follow, has scarce precedent in the annals of [[U.S. politics]]. Instead of helping the entire country in this time of grievous crisis, Trump and McConnell are putting their boots to the neck of every state they deem ideologically unfit. It will be a damn miracle if the nation survives this, and them.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Mr. Trump, I know you take your business seriously, and I take mine seriously. I hereby hold you in [[civil contempt]]
** Presiding judge [https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/ny-trump-organization-contempt-1.6430134 Donald Trump found in contempt of court in New York civil case] (Apr 25, 2022)

*People imnitate Autistic hand flapping when they want to imply a disabled person is stupid, annoying, or out of control. Donald Trump famously did a cruel imitation of hand flapping during his 2016 campaign, while criticizing a physically disabled reporter.
**[[Devon Price]] ''Unmasking [[Autism]]: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity'' (2022)

[[File:Vladimir Putin (2020-02-20).jpg|thumb|He's a really brilliant and talented person, without any doubt. It's not our job to judge his qualities, that's a job for American voters, but he's the absolute leader in the presidential race. ~ [[Vladimir Putin]]]]
* '''He's a really brilliant and talented person, without any doubt. It's not our job to judge his qualities, that's a job for American voters, but he's the absolute leader in the presidential race.'''
** [[Vladimir Putin]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/263555-putin-praises-trump-hes-a-really-brilliant-and-talented-person &quot;Putin praises Trump: 'He's a really brilliant and talented person'&quot;] by Neetzan Zimmerman, ''The Hill'' (17 December 2015)

=== R ===

* Donald Trump lost the election fair and square.
** [[w:Brad Raffensperger|Brad Raffensperger]], Republican and top voting official in Georgia, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/25/trump-rally-perry-georgia-republican-raffensperger-herschel-walker &quot;‘He knows he lost’: Georgia Republican braces for Trump rally in Perry&quot;], the Guardian, 25 sept 2021

* There are [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#Side effects|side effects]] to [[hydroxychloroquine]]. It causes psychiatric symptoms, cardiac problems and a host of other bad side effects. [...] There may be a role for it for some people, but to tell Americans ‘you don’t have anything to lose,’ that’s not true. People certainly have something to lose by taking it indiscriminately.
** [[Megan Ranney]], in response to Trump's statement on using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19. Quoted in ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020) by [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

*Your reminder that America's richest 1 percent now own half the value of the U.S. stock market. The richest 10 percent own 92 percent.  So when Trump says the stock market is the economy, know who he's really talking about.
**[[Robert Reich]], [https://twitter.com/RBReich/status/1279924108411596802  Twitter,]  (5 Jul 2020)

*As the pandemic surges back, Trump and his lackeys have: 
:—Tried to dismantle the Affordable Care Act 
:—Rallied to pass a $740,000,000,000 defense spending bill 
:—Declined extending additional unemployment benefits to out-of-work Americans 
:Their priorities are crystal clear.
:*[[Robert Reich]], [https://twitter.com/RBReich/status/1279957396115390466 Twitter,]  (5 Jul 2020)

* You may not agree with his authenticity but he's authentic. People like that. He speaks his mind, which reminds me of me once in a while. I think that's something that's refreshing.
** [[Harry Reid]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/269202-reid-praises-trump-for-being-authentic &quot;Reid praises Trump for being 'authentic'&quot;] by Rebecca Savransky, ''The Hill'' (11 February 2016)

*He presents himself as a Strong Man who promises to knock heads and make things right again. In this, he has a lot more in common with South American populist demagogues than with our tradition of political leaders... The middle-class consensus in America has collapsed. This is the most important political and social earthquake since [[World War II]]. The conservative movement's leadership isn't up to the challenge, and a good number of voters are willing to gamble on Trump's bluster. Bad bet. Our nation's solidarity is being tested. It will only make things worse if we go Trumpster diving.
**R.R. Reno, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* For anyone to compare their 'sacrifice' to a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star]] family member is insulting, foolish and ignorant. Especially someone who has never served himself and has no children serving, our county has been at war for a decade and a half and the truth is most Americans have sacrificed nothing. Most of them are smart and grounded enough to admit it.
** [[w:Paul Rieckoff|Paul Rieckoff]], in response to Trump's comparison of his sacrifices with those of someone like [[Khizr M. Khan]] — ''[http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-father-fallen-soldier-ive-made-lot/story?id=41015051 Donald Trump to Father of Fallen Soldier: 'I've Made a Lot of Sacrifices']'', ''{{w|ABC News}}'' (July 30, 2016)

* The most mentally ill human being in America right now seems to be the president.
** Rihanna, pop singer, quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social &quot;Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'&quot;], Vanity Fiar, 13 February 2023

* He is a successful man for a reason. He's actually created a dialogue [and] forced conversations. He has gotten more people engaged in the political process and current events and what's going on in the world than anyone else has for a long time. More people are engaged than ever before. I think whether you agree with Donald or you don't agree with Donald, he starts conversations. That's what democracy is — you've got to get people engaged to make this country run.
** {{w|Melissa Rivers}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/262626-melissa-rivers-trump-is-a-successful-man-for-a-reason &quot;Melissa Rivers: Trump is ‘a successful man for a reason'&quot;] by Mark Hensch, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015)

* With all his talent, and the ability to raise money and draw large crowds, the President still lives in an alternate reality.  He really does. People say, 'Well he lies about this, that and the other.' But he isn't lying. To him, that's the truth.
** Pat Robertson, televangelist, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/22/politics/pat-robertson-trump-2020-election/index.html  &quot;Televangelist Pat Robertson says Trump lives in an 'alternate reality' and should move on from election loss&quot;] by Veronica Stracqualursi and Jason Hoffman, ''CNN'' (22 December 2020)

* He has by far the largest voice and a big impact in my party. I don't know if he's planning to run in 2024 or not, but if he does, I'm pretty sure he would win the nomination.
** [[Mitt Romney]], as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/02/24/politics/mitt-romney-donald-trump-gop-2024/index.html &quot;What Mitt Romney gets *exactly* right about Donald Trump&quot;], Chris Cillizza, CNN, 25 February 2021

*It's impossible to ignore the conspicuous regularity with which Donald Trump issues intentionally provocative, news-cycle-dominating comments. It's equally difficult to look past their timing, which tends to often coincide with scandalous revelations that reflect poorly on Democratic politicians... This is far from an isolated event; it's a pattern. First, a Democrat becomes embroiled in a controversy or an external event reflects negatively on the party. Donald Trump then makes an outrageous comment calculated for maximum political impact. Like clockwork, the press abandons their critical examination of Democratic policies, and Republicans are back at each other's throats. This is a measurable phenomenon. In just the last six months, there are almost too many examples to count.
**Noah Rothman, [https://www.commentarymagazine.com/politics-ideas/campaigns-elections/many-times-donald-trump-rescued-democrats/ &quot;The Many Times Trump Rescued Dems&quot;] (8 December 2015), ''Commentary''

* Mr. Trump lacks the focus or self-discipline to do the basic work required of a president. His chronic impulsiveness is apparently unstoppable and clearly self-defeating.
** [[Karl Rove]], Republican strategist, [https://www.wsj.com/articles/political-death-by-1-000-tweets-1496875182 Political Death by 1,000 Tweets], in the {{W|Wall Street Journal}}, June 7, 2017

* Donald Trump, champion and avatar of the shallow state, has won power because his supporters are threatened by what they don't understand, and what they don't understand is almost everything. Indeed, from evolution to data about our economy to the science of vaccines to the threats we face in the world, they reject vast subjects rooted in fact in order to have reality conform to their worldviews. They don't dig for truth; they skim the media for anything that makes them feel better about themselves. To many of them, knowledge is not a useful tool but a cunning barrier elites have created to keep power from the average man and woman. The same is true for experience, skills, and know-how. These things require time and work and study and often challenge our systems of belief. Truth is hard; shallowness is easy.
** [[w:David Rothkopf|David Rothkopf]], [http://foreignpolicy.com/2017/02/22/the-shallow-state-trump/ &quot;The Shallow State,&quot;] Foreign Policy, February 22, 2017.

* I think it's time for a war president. Republicans, conservatives and [[Christianity|Christians]], and capitalist, any who love [[capitalism]], any who loves America, patriots, I think we need a war president and I think God sent us someone named Donald Trump, I think he's perfect for this election. We needed someone who is a bit coarse and foul-mouthed and vicious and fights with a gun in a gunfight, not with a knife in a gun fight.
** {{w|Wayne Allyn Root}} [https://soundcloud.com/rightwingwatch/wayne-allyn-root-donald-trump-is-a-vicious-vengeful-foul-mouthed-war-president-sent-by-god] (August 8, 2016)

* Voldemort was nowhere near as bad.
** [[J. K. Rowling]], [https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/674196610683940864 ''Twitter'' post] (December 8, 2015), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/dec/08/jk-rowling-on-donald-trump-voldemort-was-nowhere-as-bad &quot;JK Rowling on Donald Trump: 'Voldemort was nowhere as bad'&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (December 8, 2015)

* Dishonesty is Trump's hallmark: He claimed that he had spoken clearly and boldly against going into Iraq. Wrong, he spoke in favor of invading Iraq. He said he saw thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating [[9/11]]. Wrong, he saw no such thing. He imagined it. His is not the temperament of a stable, thoughtful leader. His imagination must not be married to real power.
* We have long referred to him as &quot;The Donald.&quot; He is the only person in America to whom we have added an article before his name. It wasn't because he had attributes we admired.
** [[Mitt Romney]], remarks on Donald Trump and the 2016 race at the {{w|University of Utah}}. [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/full-transcript-mitt-romneys-remarks-on-donald-trump-and-the-2016-race-220176] (March 3, 2016)

=== S ===
[[File:Bernie Sanders.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump...his entire political strategy is to divide the American people...So you have a president who gives tax breaks to billionaires...who tried to throw 32 million people off health care...who gave 83 percent of the tax benefits to the top one percent...So how do you win an election? What do you say — You see those undocumented people, they all your enemy. 'Stand with me. Hate them. Let's divide this country up.' ~ [[Bernie Sanders]] ]]
*What '''[Donald Trump]''' is doing and this is '''his entire political strategy is to divide the American people''' up based on where we came...'''So you have a president who gives tax breaks to [[Billionaire|billionaires]]''' and wants to cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. That's not what he's going to run on. You've got a president '''who tried to throw 32 million people off health care'''. He ain't gonna run on that one. You got a president '''who gave 83 percent of the tax benefits to the top one percent''', not going to run on that one. '''So how do you win an election? What do you say — You see those undocumented people, they all your enemy. 'Stand with me. Hate them. Let's divide this country up.'''' I think that is an incredibly ugly and dangerous thing to be done. And I will do everything I can to stop that.&quot;
**[https://www.newsweek.com/stand-me-hate-them-bernie-sanders-says-trumps-reelection-plan-based-dividing-country-1445407 ''Stand With Me. Hate Them: Bernie Sanders says Trump's Relection Plan is Based on Dividing the Country, Newsweek,'' Chris Morran] (23 June 2019) 

*Attacks on oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman are unacceptable and must be fully investigated... but this incident must not be used as a pretext for a war with Iran, a war which would be an unmitigated disaster for the United States, Iran, the region, and the world... The time is now for the United States to exert international leadership,... and bring the countries in the region together to forge a diplomatic solution to the growing tensions...I would also remind President Trump that there is no congressional authorization for a war with Iran... A unilateral U.S. attack on Iran would be illegal and unconstitutional.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/06/14/trump-must-not-be-allowed-use-gulf-oman-incidents-pretext-illegal-war-iran-bernie ''Trump Must Not Be Allowed to Use Gulf of Oman Incidents as 'Pretext for Illegal War With Iran': Bernie Sanders, Common Dreams'', Andrea Germanos,] (14 June 2019)

* I think that the American people are never going to elect a president who insults [[Mexicans]], who insults [[Muslims]], who insults women, who insults [[African-American]]s. And let us not forget that several years ago, Trump was in the middle of the so- called [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|birther movement]], trying to delegitimize the president of the United States of America. You know, I find it very interesting, Karen, my dad was born in [[Poland]]. I know a little bit about the immigrant experience. Nobody has ever asked me for my birth certificate. Maybe it has something to do with the [[color]] of my skin.&lt;br&gt;In this country, [[immigration]] reform is a very hot [[debate]]. It's divided the country. But I would [[hope]] very much, that as we have that debate, we do not, as Donald Trump and others have done, resort to [[racism]] and [[xenophobia]] and [[bigotry]]. '''This idea of suddenly, one day or maybe a night, rounding up 11 million people and taking them outside of this country is a vulgar, absurd idea that I would hope very few people in America support.'''&lt;br&gt;When you have Republican candidates for president and in Congress telling you that climate change is a hoax, which is Donald Trump and other candidates' position, what they are really saying is, we don't have the guts to take on the fossil fuel industry. ... You know what happens to that Republican who listens to the scientists? On that day, that Republican loses his campaign funding from the [[w:Koch family|Koch brothers]] and the fossil fuel industry.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], Democratic Presidential Debate in Miami. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/10/us/politics/transcript-democratic-presidential-debate.html?_r=0 transcript] by ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (March 9, 2016)

* Donald Trump is a pathological liar.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], [https://twitter.com/BernieSanders/status/779795585641615360] (September 24, 2016)

*America you were never great./Are you fake news?/America this is the impression I get after feeding from Trump's/Twitter trough.
**[[Craig Santos Perez]] &quot;This Changes Everything&quot; in ''habitat threshold'' (2020)

* Yes, we must donate and volunteer and protest and vote, all while reminding ourselves daily that [[Hillary Clinton]] won the popular vote. And we must commit to defending our friends, neighbors, and coworkers who are immigrants (documented or not), Muslims (American born, immigrants, or refugees), people of color, women seeking reproductive health care, trans men and women seeking safety, lesbian and gay men seeking to protect their families, and everyone and everything else Trump has threatened to harm, up to and including the planet we all live on.
: But we must make time for [[joy]] and [[pleasure]] and [[laughter]] and [[friends]] and [[food]] and [[art]] and [[music]] and [[sex]]. During the darkest days of the [[HIV/AIDS]] epidemic, when Republicans and religious conservatives controlled the federal government and were doing everything in their power to harm the sick and dying, [[queer]]s organized and protested and volunteered and mourned. We also made music and theater and art. We took care of each other, and we danced and loved and fucked. Embracing joy and art and sex in the face of fear and uncertainty made us feel better—it kept us sane—and it had the added benefit of driving our enemies crazy. They couldn't understand how we could be anything but miserable, given the challenges we faced—their greed, their indifference, their bigotry—but we created and experienced joy despite their hatred and despite this awful disease. We turned to each other—we turned to our lovers and friends and sometimes strangers—and said, &quot;Fuck them. Now fuck me.&quot;
: [...] We may never eradicate racism and sexism and hatred. But fight it we will. And don't listen to anyone who tells you that music and dance and art and sex and joy are a distraction from the fight. They are a part of the fight.
:* [[Dan Savage]], [http://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2016/11/15/24691092/savage-love ''Mourning in America''], ''Savage Love'' column, ''The Stranger'', 15 November 2016

* [[Winston Churchill]] of our time.
** [[Michael Savage]] — {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-29
 | title = Savage: Trump is 'Winston Churchill of our time'
 | newspaper = WND
 | url = http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/savage-trump-is-winston-churchill-of-our-time/
}}

* I found that when I was briefing him, I had to put pictures of him in the briefing. When I put the pictures in, it was a good sign, and when I didn’t put the pictures in, you couldn’t get him to focus on it.
* Here’s the bad news, though. Even if you got him to focus on it, he wouldn’t listen to you anyway because he’s so maniacally narcissistic. 
** [[Anthony Scaramucci]], former White House Communications Director serving under Trump, as quoted by David Smith, {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-17
 | title = 'The guy stinks and he’s a racist': Anthony Scaramucci on Donald Trump
 | newspaper = the Guardian
 | url = https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2020/jul/17/the-guy-stinks-and-hes-a-racist-anthony-scaramucci-on-donald-trump
}}

* No two people on this planet seem less concerned with criticism, more content with themselves, or more oblivious to the obscenity of the words they speak. 
** Dave Schilling on Donald Trump and [[Sarah Palin]], [http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/20/sarah-palin-donald-trump-endorsement-speech-quotes &quot;Apocalypse now: Sarah Palin's bizarre Trump endorsement analyzed&quot;] (20 January 2016), ''The Guardian''.

* He does look like he's the last hope [for America]. We don't hear anybody saying what he's saying. In fact, most of the people who ought to be lining up with him are attacking him. They're probably jealous of the amount of press coverage he gets. But the reason he gets so much press coverage is the grassroots are fed up with people who are running things, and they do want a change. They do want people to stand up for America. It really resonates when he says he wants to 'Make America Great Again.'
** [[Phyllis Schlafly]], as quoted in [http://www.wnd.com/2015/12/top-conservative-trump-is-last-hope-for-america/ &quot;Phyllis Schlafly: Trump is 'last hope for America'&quot;], ''WND'' (21 December 2015)

* It [Trump University] was a classic bait-and-switch scheme
** State Attorney General [[w:Eric Schneiderman|Eric Schneiderman]] in [https://money.cnn.com/2016/03/08/news/trump-university-controversy-donald-trump/ Trump University controversy ... in 2 minutes] March 8, 2016

*If Donald Trump becomes the next [[President of the United States|president]] of [[United States|the U.S.]] it would be a complete disaster... I think he is acting like another Hitler by inciting racism... I remember how upset the world was when the Berlin Wall was erected in 1961 and now everybody is building walls again to keep people out. It's absurd.
**Eva Schloss, Anne Frank's step-sister, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/27/politics/anne-frank-donald-trump-adolf-hitler/ interview with ''Newsweek''] (January 2016)

*When that trial ends senators will have to decide if they believe Donald John Trump incited the erection
**[[Chuck Schumer]] on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n4_3u1DQjc 22 January 2021] (also quoted by [https://www.thewrap.com/chuck-schumer-erection-freudian-slip-majority-leader The Wrap])

*I put lipstick on a pig. I feel a deep sense of remorse that I contributed to presenting Trump in a way that brought him wider attention and made him more appealing than he is. I genuinely believe that if Trump wins and gets the [[w:Gold Codes|nuclear codes]], there is an excellent [[possibility]] it will lead to the [[w:Global catastrophic risk|end of civilization]].
**[[Tony Schwartz (author)|Tony Schwartz]], as quoted in ''[https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/07/25/donald-trumps-ghostwriter-tells-all Donald Trump's Ghostwriter Tells All]'' (July 25, 2016) by {{w|Jane Mayer}}, ''{{w|The New Yorker}}''.

* There are two Trumps. The one he presents to the [[world]] is all bluster, {{w|bullying}} and certainty. The other, which I have long felt haunts his inner world, is the [[frightened]] [[child]] of a relentlessly critical and bullying [[w:Fred Trump|father]] and a distant and disengaged [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|mother]] who couldn't or wouldn't protect him.&lt;br&gt;Trump's [[temperament]] and his habits have hardened with age. He was always cartoonish, but compared with the man for whom I wrote [[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|The Art of the Deal]] 30 years ago, he is significantly [[angrier]] today: more reactive, deceitful, distracted, vindictive, impulsive and, above all, self-absorbed – assuming the last is possible.&lt;br&gt;Fear is the [[hidden]] through-line in Trump's [[life]] – fear of [[weakness]], of inadequacy, of [[failure]], of [[criticism]] and of insignificance. He has spent his life trying to outrun these fears by &quot;[[winning]]&quot; – as he puts it – and by redefining [[reality]] whenever the facts don't serve the narrative he seeks to create. It hasn't worked, but not for lack of effort.&lt;br&gt;Whatever happens, may the worst of Trump [[inspire]] the best in us.
** [[Tony Schwartz (author)]], ''[https://www.theguardian.com/global/commentisfree/2018/jan/18/fear-donald-trump-us-president-art-of-the-deal I wrote The Art of the Deal with Trump. He's still a scared child]'' (18 January 2018), ''{{w|The Guardian}}''.

* Lying is second nature to him.  More than anyone else I have ever met, Trump has the ability to convince himself that whatever he is saying at any given moment is true, or sort of true, or at least ought to be true.
** [[Tony Schwartz (author)]], ''[https://www.thejournal.ie/trump-ghostwriter-regrets-art-of-the-deal-2884723-Jul2016/ 'Lying is second nature to him': Trump's ghostwriter regrets penning Art of the Deal]'' (19 July 2016), ''{{w|TheJournal.ie}}''.

* President Trump sought to overturn the results of an election, of a fair election. He sought a coup by misleading people with lies.
* President Trump is a failed leader. He will go down in history as the worst President ever.
** Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Republican governor, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-11
 | title = Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Trump 'worst president' ever, 'failed leader' after Capitol riot
 | newspaper = abc7
 | url = https://abc7.com/politics/arnold-schwarzenegger-calls-trump-worst-president-ever/9533922/
}}{{dead link}}

* He is neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational art, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man.
** [[Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.]], in ''The New York Times'', February 28, 2017.

* Trump wants to institute a ban that will keep all Muslims out of America... Of course such a ban will not come to pass. The Constitution forbids it. Republicans and Democrats oppose it. Even Israeli politicians, who have a far longer history of confronting terrorism, have chided him for equating Islam with terrorism... Republicans support Trump because he appears to be authentic, isn't afraid to tell it like it is and is not worried about being politically correct. I see the opposite. He isn't authentic, he is cynically opportunistic.
** Khosrow Semnani, [http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865643874/Trump7s-fear-mongering-threatens-Republican-Party.html?pg=all &quot;My view: Trump's Fear-Mongering Threatens Republican Party&quot;] (17 December 2015), ''Deseret News''

* Their cruelty made them feel good, it made them feel proud, it made them feel happy. And it made them feel closer to one another…Their shared laughter at the suffering of others is an adhesive that binds them to one another, and to Trump.&lt;br&gt;Donald Trump, whose uncritical support for Israel and belief that America is fundamentally a nation for white Christians exacerbates a divide between the two largest Jewish populations in the world.
** [[Adam Serwer]], The Cruelty Is the Point: The Past, Present, and Future of Trump's America (2021)

*Trump and Barr let the biggest drug dealers in America off with a slap on the wrist. Law and Order indeed.
**[[Adam Serwer]] 11/18/2020 on Twitter, responding to story about &quot;the $8.3 billion settlement between the Justice Dept. and Purdue Pharma over its marketing of Oxycontin and other addictive opioids. Under the deal, the Sackler family will admit no wrongdoing and face no criminal charges.&quot;

*And [then] you end up in idiocies like Donald Trump on stage waiving around a [[The Bible|Bible]], pretending he gives a damn what's in it. Right, after two marriages, and several adulterous affairs, and all that and bragging about having his experiences with married women; standing up there with a Bible and going 'this is an even better book than the odd of the deals'.&quot;
** {{w|Ben Shapiro}}, ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rQ_mphb7HU Ben Shapiro on Gay Marriage, Gun Control, and Piers Morgan]'', The Rubin Report on ''{{w|YouTube}}''. (12:39 to 13:07) (February 18, 2016) 

* We know Hillary will be a terrible, hard-core ideological leftist; there is probably a 75 percent chance that Trump would govern less badly than Hillary. There is also a 25 percent chance that Trump would do something so catastrophically awful that he seriously harmed the country in ways Hillary wouldn't dream of. His trade policy alone could cast America back into recession; his foreign policy is a shambles. Any talk of him listening to advisers must be based on conjecture — so far, Trump hasn't just been a bull in a china shop, he's been a tank in a glass factory.
** {{w|Ben Shapiro}}, ''[http://www.nationalreview.com/article/438623/conservatisms-moral-crisis-defending-trumps-lies Conservatism's Sad and Ugly Transformation into Trumpism]'', ''{{w|National Review}}'' (August 3, 2016)

*We have predicted nine of his last eight stumbles, and they have yet to all materialize... I think it's more than childish and juvenile and adolescent. There is something creepy about this, his attitude toward women. Take [[Megyn Kelly]] of FOX News, who he just has an absolute obsession about, and he's constantly writing about, you know, how awful she is and no talent and this and that. It's an obsession. And I don't know if he's just never had women — strong, independent women in his life who have spoken to him. It doesn't seem that way. His daughter... But there is something really creepy about this that's beyond locker room. It's almost like a stalker, and I just — I thought this was — it actually did the impossible. It made Ted Cruz look like an honorable, tough guy on the right side of an issue.
** Mark Shields, as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-trump-cruz-wife-feud-isis-terror-in-brussels/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on Trump-Cruz wife feud, ISIS terror in Brussels&quot;] (25 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

*The 2017 World Environment Day was dominated by US President Donald Trump walking out of the Paris agreement. What does Trump's arrogance imply for international obligations to protect the earth, for a future based on ecological justice, for sowing the seeds of earth democracy?
**[[Vandana Shiva]] ''Oneness vs. the 1%: Shattering Illusions, Seeding Freedom'' (2018)

* I've known Donald for a few decades, and what you can say without argument is that he's a good father. His kids have turned out really well. There's nothing bad you can say about that.
** [[Gene Simmons]], [http://radio.com/2016/07/06/gene-simmons-on-trump-hes-a-good-father/ Interview with ''Radio.com''] (July 6, 2016)

* [Trump] is not someone who would rule justly or wisely. His track record shows that he is a man of coveting and self-serving – a liar and a cheat should not hold that position.
** Art Sisneros, Republican member of the Electoral College who resigned rather than vote for Trump.[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/30/faithless-electors-electoral-college-donald-trump Teen becomes seventh 'faithless elector' to protest Trump as president-elect] at ''{{w|the Guardian}}'', November 30 2016

* Quite simply: there never would have been a president Donald Trump without talkshow host [[Rush Limbaugh]] paving the way
** [[Michael Smerconish]] on [[CNN]]  &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxF_SN2-zyc]&quot; (February 20, 2021)

*Before the 2016 election I dreaded a return to the Jim Crow era signaled by the slogan “Make America Great Again”, which obviously meant white. Tragically that is exactly what happened. Four more years is unthinkable. That is why I am working to elect President [[Bernie Sanders]].
**[[Barbara Smith]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/feb/10/identity-politics-bernie-sanders-endorsement article] in ''The Guardian''

* For the first time in our Nation’s [[history]], a grand jury has charged a former President with committing [[crimes]] while in office to overturn an election that he lost. In response, the defendant claims that to protect the institution of the Presidency, he must be cloaked with absolute immunity from criminal prosecution unless the House impeached and the Senate convicted him for the same conduct. He is wrong.
** [[Jack Smith]], filing with United States Court of Appeals quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/jack-smith-trump-immunity-appeal-filing/ ''RawStory''] December 30, 2023 

* A great leader treats people with respect even when they present different opinions. Without a variety of views and opinions, we would have no innovation or creativity in our nation. Being a bully and being strong are not the same thing. Being strong is standing up for your convictions. Being a bully is trying to intimidate those who are perceived to be weaker or a threat. As a proud nerd, I had to deal with bullies over many years; it is tragedy watching our world suffer from one.  In addition, President Trump lacks a moral compass. He ignores the truth.
** [[w:Rick Snyder|Rick Snyder]], Republican governor of Michigan from 2011 to 2018.  [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2020/09/03/rick-snyder-why-im-voting-joe-biden-even-republican-column/5696508002/ Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder: I am a Republican vote for Biden] at USA Today, September 3 2020

*It's very difficult to respond in a serious way to any statement that's made by Donald Trump.
** [[Edward Snowden]] in response to Trump calling Snowden &quot;a total traitor&quot; and &quot;a bad guy&quot; and saying &quot;there is still a thing called execution.&quot;
**&quot;[http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/sep/03/edward-snowden-hillary-clinton-email-server Edward Snowden says Hillary Clinton 'ridiculous' to think emails were secure]&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (3 September 2015)

* Donald Trump is a thin-skinned reality TV star with an authoritarian streak.
** Robby Soave, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/06/01/opinions/third-party-candidate-options-robby-soave/index.html &quot;Don't fall for 'lesser of two evils' argument&quot;] (1 June 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

* He is, as of this writing, the most mocked man in the world. (...) He is the {{W|The Fisherman and His Wife|old fisherman's wife who wished for everything and sooner or later he will end up with nothing}}.
**{{w|Rebecca Solnit}}, [http://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-the-loneliness-of-donald-trump/ The Loneliness of Donald Trump], May 30, 2017

* Let me put this in language Donald Trump understands... You're a loser. You're a third-rate politician, who clearly doesn't understand issues, and is so scared of Megyn Kelly exposing it, that you're looking to use veterans to protect you from facing her questions.
** Jon Soltz, [https://www.yahoo.com/politics/veterans-to-trump-were-not-your-megyn-kelly-170202551.html ''VoteVets''] (January 2016)

*Trump (and Bannon and other right-wing authoritarian leaders around the world) is often referred to as a &quot;populist&quot; because he displays faux concern for the working class and a resentment of science and education, but his policies are in fact grotesquely elitist. If by &quot;populist&quot; we mean whipping up resentment against immigrants and people of color, then we should say that. Otherwise, &quot;populism&quot; is just a lazy euphemism for racism.
**[[Jen Sorensen]] ''Greetings from the Wasteland'' (2020)

* Donald Trump is the son of a rich father, who was raised on money since he was a child. I grew up in wealth too. My father would jokingly warn me when I was a child, &quot;Don’t be like Trump.&quot;
** {{w|Alexander Soros}}, interviewed by Nahum Barnea for {{w|YNet}}, [https://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-5241290,00.html &quot;Why they hate George Soros&quot;].

*In a country with more than 300 million people, it is remarkable how obsessed the media have become with just one—Donald Trump. What is even more remarkable is that, after seven years of repeated disasters, both domestically and internationally, under a glib egomaniac in the White House, so many potential voters are turning to another glib egomaniac to be his successor.
**[[Thomas Sowell]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* I had some friends over for dinner and we were of course talking about Trump. People are saying, we don't think Trump's going to be the nominee. I said, I'll tell you what: I think he is. I'll tell you why I think he's going to be the nominee: he's proven that no matter what he says, people dig him. ... I think more or less, people are super tired of politicians, meaning that they like the idea of a successful businessman running the country who might actually be able to get shit done.
** [[Howard Stern]] — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-24
 | author = Matt Wilstein
 | title = Howard Stern Predicts Trump Will Be GOP Nominee: He 'Gets Sh*t Done'
 | newspaper = Mediaite.com
 | url = http://www.mediaite.com/online/howard-stern-predicts-trump-will-be-gop-nominee-he-gets-sht-done/
}}

*His stance on Muslim immigration, which he would cease until the terror threat is brought under control, is racist. Trump does not care about the things that regular conservatives have dedicated their lives to fighting for: controls on abortion, protection of marriage, reform of the healthcare market. His inclination towards expanding the government and putting it on the side of his people isn't terribly constitutional. And his claim in a debate that the purpose of conservatism is to conserve wealth is spiritually impoverished. The Republican Party needs to stop him; and sooner rather than later.
**Timothy Stanley, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/02/10/opinions/donald-trump-republican-party-stanley/index.html &quot;Donald Trump can win &amp;ndash; and he must be stopped&quot;] (10 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*In the past few months, a Republican front-runner has emerged who has praised Planned Parenthood, pushed elements of a big [[Government spending|spending]] agenda and questioned the [[Neoconservatism|neoconservative]] agenda. There's a case for saying that some or all of these were in need of analysis and revision. But Trump has taken a wrecking ball to the American conservative movement that threatens to leave it in pieces. It's a revolutionary moment and, unless I'm very much mistaken, conservatives are not supposed to be the revolutionaries. They exist to bring order to chaos, rationality over passion. Trump seems to exist to &quot;mix things up.&quot; He is &quot;nasty&quot; and &quot;fun&quot; - although more the former than the latter. His enthusiasm for torture is unpleasant to say the least.
**Timothy Stanley, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/20/opinions/trump-south-carolina-victory-opinion-timothy-stanley/index.html &quot;Trump is blowing up conservatism - can he be stopped?&quot;] (21 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*In January 2018, the experts at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands of the Doomsday Clock to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump's nuclear thinking... Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn't use them.&lt;BR&gt; His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new Nuclear Posture Review (NPR), the first since Obama's 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined &quot;extreme circumstances,&quot; such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its &quot;allies and partners.&quot; The review doubled down on Obama's unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
*On top of this, we have the rapid and accelerating drift toward planetary disaster exacerbated by the climate change–denying troglodytes in the Trump administration. 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (April 2019)

* Trump is not just a wacky politician of the far right, or a riveting television spectacle, or a Twitter phenom and bizarre working-class hero. He is not just another candidate to be parsed and analyzed by TV pundits in the same breath as all the others. '''In terms of our [[liberal democracy]] and constitutional order, Trump is an extinction-level event. It's long past time we started treating him as such.'''
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/04/america-tyranny-donald-trump.html &quot;America Has Never Been So Ripe for Tyranny&quot; in ''New York'' (2 May 2016)]

* No one claimed fraud. No one derided the lopsided unfairness of the parliamentary results, where Labour got 34 percent of the vote and a whopping 63 percent of the seats, and where the new rightist Reform Party won 14 percent of the vote and got only 5 seats. Those were the rules ahead of the game, and they were the rules everyone had agreed to.&lt;br&gt;There is one reason and one reason only why this kind of conciliatory exchange cannot happen any time soon in America, and that is Donald J. Trump. With a mind warped by pathological and malignant narcissism, incapable of generosity or grace or fairness, Trump has dominated this country’s politics for almost a decade now. He has systematically corroded every democratic norm and institution: the rule of law, the process of elections, the integrity of the Supreme Court, the independence of the Justice Department, the peaceful nature of the transfer of power, and the reliability of our alliances around the world. And none of this damage has been done to advance any broad policy or meaningful agenda, but merely and solely to advance the narcissism and corruption of the president himself.
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [https://andrewsullivan.substack.com/p/wanted-an-american-starmer &quot;Wanted: An American Starmer&quot; in ''The Weekly Dish'' (July 12, 2024)]

* But we do know for a fact that Trump is criminally inclined, driven by vengeance and rage, and has now been granted vague and unprecedented immunity powers by SCOTUS whose limits he will doubtless exploit. We know he will delegitimize any institution that gets in his way; and we know that electing a convicted felon who has already once tried to stop the peaceful transfer of power will be a watershed for a purported republic.
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [https://andrewsullivan.substack.com/p/wanted-an-american-starmer &quot;Wanted: An American Starmer&quot; in ''The Weekly Dish'' (July 12, 2024)]

* Trump is, of course, a master of distraction and {{w|media ma­nipu­la­tion}}. It's possible to resist being his chump, but it takes continued self-regulation.
** [[Margaret Sullivan (journalist)|Margaret Sullivan]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/journalists-in-the-age-of-trump-lose-the-smugness-keep-the-mission/2016/11/29/1ee85a28-b64b-11e6-a677-b608fbb3aaf6_story.html Journalists in the age of Trump: Lose the smugness, keep the mission.]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (November 29, 2016)

* The press often will ask me if I think Donald Trump is crazy. And I’ll say it this way: I don't think he’s so crazy that you could put him in a mental institution. But I think if he were in one, he ain’t getting out!
** [[w:Chris Sununu | Chris Sununu]], Republican, governor in New Hampshire, quoted in [https://www.politico.com/newsletters/playbook/2022/04/03/a-night-of-laughter-and-cringe-at-the-gridiron-00022578 &quot;POLITICO Playbook: A night of laughter and cringe at the Gridiron&quot;], Politico, 4 April 2022

* Like many of you, I watched the [September 9, 2024 presidential candidate] debate tonight. If you haven’t already, now is a great time to do your research on the issues at hand and the stances these candidates take on the topics that matter to you the most. As a voter, I make sure to watch and read everything I can about their proposed policies and plans for this country.&lt;br&gt;Recently I was made aware that AI of ‘me’ falsely endorsing Donald Trump’s presidential run was posted to his site. It really conjured up my fears around AI, and the dangers of spreading misinformation. It brought me to the conclusion that I need to be very transparent about my actual plans for this election as a voter. The simplest way to combat misinformation is with the truth.&lt;br&gt;I will be casting my vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz in the 2024 Presidential Election. I’m voting for @kamalaharris because she fights for the rights and causes I believe need a warrior to champion them. I think she is a steady-handed, gifted leader and I believe we can accomplish so much more in this country if we are led by calm and not chaos. I was so heartened and impressed by her selection of running mate @timwalz, who has been standing up for LGBTQ+ rights, IVF, and a woman’s right to her own body for decades.&lt;br&gt;I’ve done my research, and I’ve made my choice. Your research is all yours to do, and the choice is yours to make. I also want to say, especially to first time voters: Remember that in order to vote, you have to be registered! I also find it’s much easier to vote early. I’ll link where to register and find early voting dates and info in my story.&lt;br&gt;With love and hope,&lt;br&gt;Taylor Swiftz&lt;br&gt;Childless Cat Lady
** [[Taylor Swift]] in [https://apnews.com/article/taylor-swift-endorse-kamala-harris-president-3a36b6f9695c20153891bba35c47f21d &quot;Taylor Swift endorses Kamala Harris for president after debate ends&quot;], ''AP News'' (September 10, 2024)

* But at some point—if you understand, and this is not just ideological, it's not just the fact that he's abandoned one position after another or that he has the penchant for internet hoaxes or conspiracy theories. I mean a week ago tonight, remember, he was peddling the notion that Ted Cruz's dad had something do with the JFK assassination. So there are people who say that just because of party loyalty we're supposed to forget all of that. I just don't buy that. Because I've cautioned my fellow conservatives, you embrace Donald Trump, you embrace it all. You embrace every slur, every insult, every outrage, every falsehood. You're going to spend the next six months defending, rationalizing, evading all that. And afterwards, you come back to women, to minorities, to young people and say, that wasn't us. That's not what we're about. The reality is, if you support him to be president of the United States, that is who you are, and you own it.
** Charlie Sykes, on [http://www.weeklystandard.com/sykes-if-you-embrace-trump-you-embrace-every-slur-insult-outrage-falsehood/article/2002334 ''The Kelly File''] (2016), FOX News

=== T ===
*All of Trump's constant bragging about his money and his poll numbers and his virility speak directly to this surprisingly vibrant middle American fantasy about a castrated white America struggling to re-grow its mojo... as basketball star turned pundit Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pointed out earlier this week, PC isn’t a new thing, or even a thing at all. It’s just an “emotional challenge every generation has had to go through.” We get older, our kids correct our bad habits, it happens. Not to Trump’s supporters. They’ve turned some minor cultural changes into a vast conspiracy of white victimhood. They're eating up Trump's ''Make America Great Again'' theme, which one supporter hilariously explained must be his true goal, because 'it's on his hat', because it's a fantasy tale of a once-great culture ruined by an invasion of mongrel criminals.
**Matt Taibbi, [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-gop-is-now-officially-the-party-of-dumb-white-people-20150904 &quot;The Republicans Are Now Officially the Party of White Paranoia&quot;], ''Rolling Stone''.

* The [[Biden]] team is trying to go on with business as usual, but at some point, barring Trump getting a personality transplant, this is going to come to a head. The President is refusing to concede, he is refusing to allow the transition process to begin...
** [[w:Jake Tapper|Jake Tapper]] on CNN's [https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2020/11/18/lead-warner-live-jake-tapper.cnn The lead with Jake Tapper (video)] November 18, 2020 at 4:22et

* What we saw week in and week out, for me, after two and a half years in that administration, was terrifying. We would go in to try to talk to him about a pressing national security issue -- cyberattack, terrorism threat -- he wasn't interested in those things. To him, they weren't priorities.
* Given what I have experienced in the administration, I have to support Joe Biden for president and even though I am not a Democrat, even though I disagree on key issues, I'm confident that Joe Biden will protect the country and I'm confident that he won't make the same mistakes as this President.
* I saw firsthand how dangerous Trump is for America.
** Miles Taylor, who served as chief of staff to Department of Homeland Security Secretary in the Trump administration from 2017 to 2019.  Quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-08-17
 | author = Gillian Turner, Paul Steinhauser
 | title = Former senior Trump administration official backs Biden
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://www.foxnews.com/politics/former-senior-trump-administration-official-backs-biden
}}

* What we saw week in and week out and for me after two and a half years in that administration was terrifying
** Miles Taylor, former DHS chief of staff [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/miles-taylor-homeland-security-trump-terrifying/ on CBS News]
 
* [T]he media always is taking Trump literally. It never takes him seriously, but it always takes him literally. I think a lot of the voters who vote for Trump take Trump seriously, but not literally.
** [[Peter Thiel]], [http://www.press.org/sites/default/files/20161031_thiel.pdf Speech at the National Press Club] (October 31, 2016)

*Trump has given more than $100,000 to the Democratic House and Senate campaign committees. In 2006, the year Democrats took back Congress, he gave $25,000 to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee... Trump wanted Nancy Pelosi to be speaker of the House and Harry Reid the Senate majority leader. Which is not surprising. At the time he made those contributions, from August 2001 to September 2009, Trump was a registered Democrat... Trump continued to support Reid as majority leader in the election immediately after the passage of Obamacare... With all his past support for Democrats, Trump ought to be asked: Will he commit to supporting whoever is the eventual Republican nominee? After all, why should he be welcomed into the Republican fold if he is going to end up throwing his support to Clinton? The fact is, Trump isn't a Democrat or a Republican; he is an opportunist... He's less a candidate than a brand. And running for president is great for the Trump brand, an opportunity for Donald Trump to take the national stage and tell us all how great he is. He pretty much admitted as much during his announcement speech, when he pointed out that some questioned whether he was really as successful as he claimed.
** Marc A. Thiessen, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-donald-trump-helped-democrats-pass-obamacare/2015/06/22/002f4c7c-18ea-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html &quot;How Donald Trump helped Democrats pass Obamacare&quot;] (22 June 2015), ''The Washington Post''

*I wanted to like Donald Trump, much as I wanted to like Richard Nixon's vice president, Spiro Agnew. Both men have said many things with which I agree. Agnew attacked media bias, and Trump attacks the establishment's failure to &quot;make America great,&quot; as he nonspecifically puts it. But a proper diagnosis does not equal competence in administering a cure. If I developed a brain tumor, I would want Ben Carson to operate on me, but do I want Donald Trump &quot;operating&quot; on America? Everyone has a temperament. The dictionary defines it as &quot;the combination of mental, physical, and emotional traits of a person.&quot; Would Trump's &quot;combination&quot; make him a good president? I think not.
**Cal Thomas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* I do think the President committed impeachable offenses.
** [[w:Pat Toomey|Pat Toomey]], Republican senator, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-10
 | author = Kate Sullivan, Nicky Robertson
 | title = Republican Sen. Pat Toomey says he thinks Trump 'committed impeachable offenses'
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/09/politics/pat-toomey-trump-impeachable-offenses/index.html
}}

* There was a strange aftertaste to many of the calls for grand social [[reform]] in 2020. As the [[COVID-19 pandemic|coronavirus crisis]] overtook us, the [[Left-wing politics|left wing]] on both sides of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], at least that part that had been fired up [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and [[Bernie Sanders]], was going down to defeat. The promise of a radicalized and reenergized left, organized around the idea of the [[Green New Deal]], seemed to dissipate amidst the pandemic. It fell to [[Government|governments]] mainly of the [[Centrism|center]] and the [[Right-wing politics|right]] to meet the crisis. They were a strange assortment. [[Jair Bolsonaro]] in [[Brazil]] and Donald Trump in the United States experimented with denial. For them [[Climate change denial|climate skepticism]] and [[wikipedia:COVID-19_misinformation|virus skepticism]] went hand in hand. In [[Mexico]], the notionally left-wing government of [[Andrés Manuel López Obrador]] also pursued a maverick path, refusing to take drastic action. [[Nationalist]] strongmen like [[Rodrigo Duterte]] in the [[Philippines]], [[Narendra Modi]] in [[India]], [[Vladimir Putin]] in [[Russia]], and [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]] in [[Turkey]] did not deny [[SARS-CoV-2|the virus]], but relied on their patriotic appeal and bullying tactics to see them through. It was the managerial centrist types who were under most pressure. Figures like [[Nancy Pelosi]] and [[Chuck Schumer]] in the United States, or [[Sebastián Piñera]] in [[Chile]], or [[Cyril Ramaphosa]] in [[South Africa]], [[Emmanuel Macron]], [[Angela Merkel]], [[Ursula von der Leyen]], and their ilk in [[Europe]]. They accepted the [[science]]. [[Denial]] was not an option. They were desperate to demonstrate that they were better than the '[[Populism|populists]].' To meet the crisis, very middle-of-the-road [[politicians]] ended up doing very [[Radicalism|radical]] things. Most of it was improvisation and compromise, but insofar as they managed to put a programmatic gloss on their responses—whether in the form of the [[EU]]'s [[wikipedia:Next_Generation_EU|Next Generation program]] or [[Joe Biden|Biden]]'s [[Build Back Better Plan|Build Back Better program]] in 2020—it came from the repertoire of [[Climate action|green modernization]], [[sustainable development]], and the [[Green New Deal]].
** [[wikipedia:Adam Tooze|Adam Tooze]], ''Shutdown: How Covid Shook the World Economy'' (2021)

* [[w:Criticism of response to the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|The governments]] that have been negligent from the beginning [...] are afraid of demonstrating their ineptitude in the face of such a health crisis. At the last minute, Trump declared a &quot;[[w:Public health emergency (United States)|national emergency]]&quot; and agreed with the Democrats in Congress on a special package for {{w|sick leave}} and rapid testing. If he appears incompetent in the face of a crisis and thousands of [[w:2019–20 coronavirus pandemic#Deaths|people die]], he could lose the [[2020 United States presidential election|U.S. presidency]], even to Biden.
** [[Trotskyist Fraction – Fourth International]], ''[https://www.leftvoice.org/coronavirus-and-the-healthcare-crisis-our-lives-are-worth-more-than-their-profits Coronavirus and the Healthcare Crisis: Our Lives Are Worth More than Their Profits!]'' (March 14, 2020), ''Left Voice''.

* He's got to condemn this sh*t ASAP. 
* We need an Oval office address. He has to lead now. It has gone too far and gotten out of hand.
** Donald Trump Jr. writing [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html text messages] to White House chief of staff Mark Meadows on January 6 2021, urging Meadows to make Donald Trump stop the attack on the Congress Building.  

* Every family has their crazy uncle. My Uncle Donald is atomic crazy.
** Fred Trump III, nephew of Donald Trump, cited in [https://abcnews.go.com/US/fred-trump-iii-calls-uncle-donald-trump-atomic/story &quot;Fred Trump III calls uncle Donald Trump 'atomic crazy,' says he used racial slur decades ago&quot;], ''ABC News'' (July 30, 2024)

* I think he would be a great president... He is one of the most dynamic people in the world. He looks presidential, and he talks presidential, and he would make the changes he promises.
** [[w:Ivana Trump|Ivana Trump]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2016-02-11
 | author = Eddie Roche
 | title = Daily Exclusive: Ivana Trump Uncensored
 | newspaper = Daily Front Row
 | url = http://fashionweekdaily.com/daily-exclusive-ivana-trump-uncensored/
}}

* My father is an unbelievable listener, and I don't think people realize that until they actually know him. And he ultimately makes his own decisions and that's what any leader needs to do.
** [[Ivanka Trump]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-14
 | author = Judy Kurtz
 | title = Ivanka Trump: Dad's conflict with Megyn Kelly 'very sensationalized'
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/256903-ivanka-trump-dads-conflict-with-megyn-kelly-very
}}

* Today, Donald is much as he was at three years old: incapable of growing, learning, or evolving, unable to regulate his emotions, moderate his responses, or take in &amp; synthesize information.
** {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-07
 | author = Mary Trump (niece of Donald Trump)
 | title = The explosive tell-all book by Trump's niece is coming out two weeks earlier than expected
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/06/media/mary-trump-book-release-date/index.html
}}

* Donald's pathologies are so complex and his behaviors so often inexplicable that coming up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis would require a full battery of psychological and neurophysical tests that he'll never sit for
** {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-08
 | author = William Goldschlag, Dan Janison
 | title = Donald Trump's niece: He lies, cheats, is cruel, incompetent and cheap
 | newspaper = Newsday
 | url = https://www.newsday.com/long-island/politics/trump-niece-mary-book-conway-coronavirus-schools-reopening-biden-who-jacksonville-rnc-tiktok-1.46510343
}}

* I have no problem calling Donald a narcissist — he meets all nine criteria.
** Mary Trump, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-14
 | author = Kurt Andersen
 | title = Review: The most devastating thing about Mary Trump’s portrait is her empathy for Donald Trump
 | newspaper = Los Angeles Times
 | url = https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2020-07-14/the-most-devastating-thing-about-mary-trumps-portrait-of-trump-is-i
}}

* In order to understand what brought Donald- and all of us- to this point, we need to start with my grandfather and his own need for recognition, a need that propelled him to encourage Donald's reckless hyperbole and unearned confidence that hid Donald's pathological weaknesses and insecurities. As Donald grew up, he was forced to become his own cheerleader, first, because he needed his father to believe he was a better and more confident son than Freddy was; then because Fred required it of him; and finally because he began to believe his own hype, even as he paradoxically suspected on a very deep level that nobody else did. By the time of the election, Donald met any challenges to his sense of superiority with anger, his fear and vulnerabilities so effectively buried that he didn't even have to acknowledge they existed. And he never would.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11

* In the [[1970s]], after my grandfather had already been preferring and promoting Donald for years, the New York media picked up the baton and began disseminating Donald's unsubstantiated hype. In the [[1980s]], the banks joined in when they began to fund his ventures. Their willingness (and then their need) to foster his increasingly unfounded claims to success hung on the hopes of recouping their losses. After a decade during which Donald floundered, dragged down by bankruptcies and reduced to fronting for a series of failed products from steaks to vodka, the television producer Mark Burnett gave him yet another chance. ''The Apprentice'' traded on Donald's image as the brash, self-made dealmaker, a myth that had been the creation of my grandfather five decades earlier and astonishingly, considering the vast trove of evidence disproving it, had survived into the new millennium almost entirely unaltered. By the time Donald announced his run for the Republican Party nomination in 2015, a significant percentage of the American population had been primed to believe that myth.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11

* To this day, the lies, misrepresentations, and fabrications that are the sum total of who my uncle is are perpetuated by the Republican Party and white evangelical Christians. People who know better, such as Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell; true believers, such as Representative Kevin McCarthy, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and Attorney General William Barr; and others too numerous to name, have become, unwittingly or not, complicit in their perpetuation.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11-12

* The fact is, Donald's pathologies are so complex and his behaviors so often inexplicable that coming up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis would require a full battery of psychological and neuropsychological tests that he'll never sit for. At this point, we can't evaluate his day-to-day functioning because he is, in the West Wing, essentially institutionalized. Donald has been institutionalized for most of his adult life, so there is no way to know how he would thrive, or even survive, on his own in the real world. At the end of my aunt's birthday party in 2017, as we lined up for our pictures, I could see that Donald was already under a kind of stress he'd never experienced before. As the pressures upon him have continued to mount over the course of the last three years, the disparity between the level of competence required for running a country and his incompetence has widened, revealing his delusions more starkly than ever before. Many, but by no means all of us, have been shielded until now from the worst effects of his pathologies by a stable economy and a lack of serious crises. But the out-of-control COVID-19 pandemic, the possibility of an economic depression, deepening social divides along political lines thanks to Donald's penchant for division, and devastating uncertainty about our country's future have created a perfect storm of catastrophes that no one is less equipped than my uncle to manage. Doing so would require courage, strength of character, deference to experts, and the confidence to take responsibility and to course correct after admitting mistakes. His ability to control unfavorable situations by lying, spinning, and obfuscating has diminished to the point of impotence in the midst of the tragedies we are currently facing. His egregious and arguably intentional mishandling of the current catastrophe has led to a level of scrutiny and pushback that he's never experienced before, increasing his belligerence and need for petty revenge as he withholds vital funding, personal protective equipment, and ventilators that your tax dollars have paid for from states whose governors don't kiss his ass sufficiently.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 13-14

* After the election, Donald called his big sister, ostensibly to find out how he was doing. Of course, he thought he already knew the answer; otherwise he wouldn't have made the call in the first place. He merely wanted her to confirm very strongly that he was doing a fantastic job. When she said, &quot;Not that good,&quot; Donald immediately went on offense. &quot;That's nasty,&quot; he said. She could see the sneer on his face. Then, seemingly apropos of nothing, he asked her, &quot;Maryanne, where would you be without me?&quot; It was a smug reference to the fact that Maryanne owed her first federal judgeship to Donald because Roy Cohn had done him (and her) a favor all those years ago. My aunt has always insisted that she earned her position on the bench entirely on her own merits, and she shot back at him, &quot;If you say that one more time, I will ''level'' you.&quot; But it was an empty threat. Although Maryanne had prided herself on being the only person on the planet Donald ever listened to, those days were long past, which was illustrated not long after, in June 2018. On the eve of Donald's first summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, Maryanne called the White House and left a message with his secretary: &quot;Tell him his older sister called with a little sisterly advice. Prepare. Learn from those who know what they are doing. Stay away from Dennis Rodman. And leave his Twitter alone.&quot; He ignored all of it. The ''Politico'' headline the following day read &quot;Trump Says Kim Meeting Will Be About 'Attitude,' Not Prep Work.&quot; If Maryanne had ever had any sway over her little brother, it was gone now. Aside from the requisite birthday call, they didn't speak much after that.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 188-189

* Donald was to my grandfather what the border wall as been for Donald: a vanity project funded at the expense of more worthy pursuits.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 194

* He's smart, he's tough, he knows what he's doing. He's speaking from his heart. He's the best.
** {{w|Melania Trump}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/263527-melania-trump-not-nervous-for-husband &quot;Melania Trump not nervous for husband&quot;] by Judy Kurtz, ''The Hill'' (16 December 2015)

*Trump's entire personal and professional history is Obama-esque. When it serves his interests, Trump lies. He has lied to business associates, employees, friends, spouses, and now to millions of prospective voters. Anyone who thinks that Trump will not lie to them, or that he will at least tell the truth about 'important things', immigration or ISIS or whatever, is deluding himself. When it becomes expedient for Trump to lie, he will.
**Ian Tuttle, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/431755/donald-trumps-huge-lies &quot;Donald Trump's Huge Lies&quot;], ''National Review''

* After close review of recent Tweets from the @realDonaldTrump account and the context around them we have permanently suspended the account due to the risk of further incitement of violence.
** Twitter, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-08
 | author = Brian Fung
 | title = Twitter bans President Trump permanently
 | newspaper = CNN Business
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/08/tech/trump-twitter-ban/index.html
}}

* Right now, I’m not sure whether he should stay in place for a week or step down immediately.
** Christian Tybring-Gjedde, quoted in [https://www.thelocal.no/20210107/trump-scares-norwegian-politician-who-nominated-him-for-nobel-peace-prize &quot;Trump 'scares' Norwegian politician who nominated him for Nobel Peace Prize&quot;] 7 January 2021

* We're really good friends, we go back to '86, '87. Most of my successful and best fights were at [[w:Trump International Hotel and Tower|Trump's hotels]]. He didn't manage me, though. He was just helping me with my [[w:Mike Tyson#Rape conviction, prison, and conversion|court case]]. '''We're the same guy, a thrust for power, a drive for power. Whatever field we're in, we need power in that field. That's just who we are. Balls of energy. We're not even who we think we are. We're fire. We're made of this crap—water, motion, dirt, diamonds, emeralds. We're made out of that stuff, can you believe it?'''
* That shit is the real deal. Listen: I'm a black motherfucker from the poorest town in the country. I've been through a lot in life. And I know him. When I see him, he shakes my hand and respects my family. None of them—[[Barack Obama|Barack]], whoever—nobody else does that. They're gonna be who they are and disregard me, my family. So I'm voting for him. If I can get 20,000 people or more to vote for him, I'm gonna do it.
** [[Mike Tyson]], in an interview with {{w|The Daily Caller}}. [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/01/21/mike-tyson-why-i-m-a-muslim-for-donald-trump.html] (January 21, 2016)

=== U ===
[[File:Trump Second Impeachment Vote.png |thumb|President Trump gravely [[endangered]] the [[security]] of the [[United States]] and its [[institutions]] of [[Government]]. He threatened the [[integrity]] of the [[democratic]] [[system]], interfered with the [[peaceful]] transition of [[power]], and imperiled a coequal branch of Government.]]

* President Trump gravely [[endangered]] the [[security]] of the [[United States]] and its [[institutions]] of [[Government]]. He threatened the [[integrity]] of the [[democratic]] [[system]], interfered with the [[peaceful]] transition of [[power]], and imperiled a coequal branch of Government. He thereby betrayed his trust as President, to the manifest [[injury]] of the [[people]] of the United States. &lt;br /&gt; Wherefore, Donald John Trump, by such [[conduct]], has [[demonstrated]] that he will remain a threat to national security, democracy, and [[United States Constitution|the Constitution]] if allowed to remain in office, and has acted in a manner grossly incompatible with self-governance and the [[rule of law]]. Donald John Trump thus warrants [[impeachment]] and [[trial]], removal from office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any office of [[honor]], [[trust]], or [[profit]] under the United States.
** [[United States Congress|United States House of Representatives]]; the concluding lines of [https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-resolution/24/text &quot;H.Res.24 - Impeaching Donald John Trump, President of the United States, for high crimes and misdemeanors&quot;, introduced 11 January 2021, and approved 13 January 2021]

=== V ===
* you have to remember that Trump has no shame. There’s nothing that we can say to him, or nothing that he can say, that will make him blush. However, he’s only in power because of all these seemingly normal people supporting him. If we can make all of them radioactive, beyond radioactive, then we can take some steps towards hopefully neutralizing this larger threat.
**[[Eli Valley]] [https://www.tcj.com/eli-valley-and-the-plight-of-the-secular-jew/ Interview] (2018)

*I wrote about him as a buffoon, a dangerous buffoon, someone who wouldn’t actually become president. And so I spoke about him in terms of what it revealed about Jewish leaders who were supporting him despite his being a hero of American naziism — this was clear long before Charlottesville...I call Trump Netanyahu with smaller hands in the introduction. Netanyahu shares a lot in common with Trump. Including demagoguery, bigotry, attacks on the press, attacks on institutions of democracy, attacks on human rights organizations. I don’t know if Trump has gone that far yet, but he will. It’s a similar method of autocrats.
**[[Eli Valley]] about Donald Trump [https://electricliterature.com/how-donald-trump-changed-political-comics/ Interview] (2017)

* Mr. Trump is unfit for our nation’s highest office.
** [[J.D. Vance]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/04/opinion/campaign-stops/why-trumps-antiwar-message-resonates-with-white-america.html &quot;Why Trump’s Antiwar Message Resonates with White America&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (April 4, 2016)

* People no longer trust the career politicians, no longer trust the status-quo because they screwed it up so bad. I loved listening to you talk to those other talking heads about 'Donald Trump could be the destruction of the whole Republican party.' I throw my hands up in the air and cheer. I hope it happens! And I hope [[Bernie Sanders]] is the destruction of the Democratic Party. It's time to break up the two party dictatorship.
** [[Jesse Ventura]] on CNN with Don Lemon, as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-07
 | author = Chris Enloe
 | title = Jesse Ventura Wants to Destroy the Political Establishment and He's Named Two Guys to Do It
 | newspaper = IJ Review
 | url = https://www.ijreview.com/2015/10/439711-jesse-ventura-supports-donald-trump-bernie-sanders-destroying-political-establishment/
}}

*We believe your final decision yesterday was the right one — given the so-called &quot;fog of war&quot; and against the background of a long list of intelligence mistakes, not to mention &quot;cooking&quot; shenanigans. We... think Tucker Carlson had it right yesterday evening: &quot;The very people — in some cases, literally the same people who lured us into the Iraq quagmire 16 years ago — are demanding a new war — this one with Iran. Carlson described you as &quot;skeptical.&quot; We believe ample skepticism is warranted.
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo's dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo's behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*If Pompeo failed to report back to you on the conversation you instructed him to have with [[William Binney|Binney]], you might ask him about it now (even though the flimsy evidence of Russia hacking the DNC has now evaporated, with Binney vindicated). There were two note-takers present at the October 24, 2017 meeting at CIA headquarters. There is also a good chance the session was also recorded. You might ask Pompeo about that... Binney had the impression Pompeo was simply going through the motions — and disingenuously, at that. If he &quot;really wanted to know about Russian hacking,&quot; he would have acquainted himself with the conclusions that VIPS, with Binney in the lead, had reached in mid-2017, and which apparently caught your eye.... Had he pursued the matter seriously with Binney, we might not have had to wait until the Justice Department itself put nails in the coffin of Russiagate, CrowdStrike, and Comey. In sum, Pompeo could have prevented two additional years of &quot;everyone knows that the Russians hacked into the DNC.&quot; Why did he not?
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

* We are all Gold Star Families, '''who have lost those we love the most in war. Ours is a sacrifice you will never know. Ours is a sacrifice we would never want you to know.'''
* Your recent comments regarding the Khan family were repugnant, and personally offensive to us. When you question a mother's pain, by implying that her religion, not her grief, kept her from addressing an arena of people, you are attacking us. When you say your job building buildings is akin to our sacrifice, you are attacking our sacrifice. You are not just attacking us, you are cheapening the sacrifice made by those we lost. You are minimizing the risk our service members make for all of us. This goes beyond politics. It is about a sense of decency. That kind decency you mock as &quot;political correctness.&quot;
** [[w:VoteVets.org|VoteVets]]' Gold Star Family Members, open letter to Trump [http://www.votevets.org/press/gold-star-letter] (August 1, 2016)

=== W ===
* We've never had a president whose business created as many potential {{w|conflicts of interest}} as Donald Trump, and at the same time we've never had a president who cared less about conflicts of interest as Donald Trump. Indeed, he and his children are making it quite clear that they will use the presidency as a tool to make as much money as they can. And Republicans, particularly [[United States Congress|Congress]], have apparently decided that if Trump does it, it's okay.
** [[Paul Waldman]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2016/12/05/republicans-are-already-making-it-clear-trump-can-do-whatever-he-wants/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&amp;utm_term=.4d816d92b558 Republicans are already making it clear: Trump can do whatever he wants]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 5, 2016)

*The political triumph of Donald Trump is a symbol and symptom—not cause or origin—of our imperial meltdown. Trump is neither alien nor extraneous to American culture and history. In fact, he is as American as apple pie. Yet he is a sign of our spiritual bankruptcy—all spectacle and no substance, all narcissism and no empathy, all appetite and greed and no wisdom and maturity.
**[[Cornel West]] ''Race Matters'' (2017 edition)

* Can we get Trump to prove he's a good citizen or we'll deport him?
** {{w|Shannon Wheeler}}, cartoonist, [https://twitter.com/muchcoffee twitted] 10.10

* Trump actually faces unique obstacles as he courts black voters. The mogul has a long history of using racially charged rhetoric and his real estate company was sued for allegedly discriminating against black renters in the 1970s. His stance on Muslims, which has drawn praise from white supremacists, could also prove problematic, since over 25 percent of American Muslims are black.
**Hunter Walker, [https://www.yahoo.com/politics/donald-trump-has-a-huge-1317867072716854.html &quot;Donald Trump has a plan to win ‘100 percent' of the black vote and prove he's not a racist&quot;] (10 December 2015), ''Yahoo! News''

*America has lost more than 12 million jobs in the last six months. An estimated 12 million people have lost their employer-sponsored health insurance during the worst pandemic in a century. Tens of millions report not having enough to eat.  But one month ago, tens of millions of unemployed Americans lost... a $600 weekly federal unemployment insurance benefit that Congress failed to renew...  How can this happen in a democracy? This is a question that everyone who works for a living... might want to consider on this Labor Day... If the facts of this political disaster were more widely known and understood, Republicans could lose not only the presidency but also the Senate in November. After all, millions of unemployed Republicans lost most of their income as a result of what their political party...did... Who would want to be forcing layoffs — potentially totaling millions at the state and local level — during a depression and pandemic? Ask Sen. McConnell and Donald Trump.
**[[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://www.timesfreepress.com/news/opinion/times-commentary/story/2020/sep/06/weisbrot-whour-government-doing-labor/531611/ What is our government doing to labor?], [[w:Chattanooga Times Free Press|Times Free Press]], (6 September 2020)

* You will never hear me say a negative thing about Donald Trump. Me and Donald are cool. ... Donald will get my vote.
** [[Dana White]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/263033-ufc-chief-dana-white-endorses-trump &quot;UFC head Dana White endorses Trump&quot;] by Sylvan Lane, ''The Hill'' (12 December 2015)

* He will be a real American leader, who might not always be the best one from Europe's perspective but defends the interests of his own people. I wish we had political leaders like this in the Netherlands who defend their own country... and forget the rest.
** [[Geert Wilders]], on BNR radio, as quoted in [http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2016/07/93300-2/ &quot;Geert Wilders says the Netherlands needs a leader like Donald Trump&quot;] (18 July 2016), ''DutchNews.nl''.

* I'd vote for a bowling ball covered in dog shit and pubic hair before I vote for Trump.
** bestselling author {{W|Chuck Wendig}}, [http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2016/06/08/im-with-her/ &quot;I'm With Her&quot;], June 8, 2016

* The cost of appearing with a bloviating ignoramus is obvious, it seems to me. Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low and you can still intrude into American politics.
** [[George Will]] on {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-27
 | title = This Week
 | publisher = ABC
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-27
 | title = George Will Calls Donald Trump a ‘Bloviating Ignoramus'
 | first = Jake
 | last = Tapper
 | periodical = ABC News
 | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/george-will-calls-donald-trump-a-bloviating-ignoramus-on-this-week/
}}

*It has come to this. The GOP, formerly the party of Lincoln and ostensibly the party of liberty and limited government, is being defined by clamors for a mass roundup and deportation of millions of human beings. To will an end is to will the means for the end, so the Republican clamors are also for the requisite expansion of government's size and coercive powers... Trump evidently plans to deport almost 10 percent of California's workers, and 13 percent of that state's K–12 students. He is, however, at his most Republican when he honors family values: He proposes to deport intact families, including children who are citizens... Trump proposes seizing money that illegal immigrants from Mexico try to send home. This might involve sacrificing mail privacy, but desperate times require desperate measures. He would vastly enlarge the federal government's enforcement apparatus, but he who praises single-payer health care systems and favors vast eminent domain powers has never made a fetish of small government.
**George Will, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/422916/donald-trump-immigration-deportation-republicans &quot;Trump Should Have No Place in the Party of Liberty and Limited Government&quot;] (22 August 2015), ''National Review''

*If Donald Trump were a Democratic mole placed in the Republican Party to disrupt things, how would his behavior be any different? I don't think it would be.
**George Will, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35066940 &quot;Is Donald Trump a Democratic secret agent?&quot;] (11 December 2015), by Anthony Zurcher, ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation

* What you saw was the real Trump, unbound by facts, reason, logic, the law, or the Constitution
** Conservative campaign consultant Rick Wilson, commenting on a coronavirus press briefing [https://www.rawstory.com/2020/04/rick-wilson-trumps-press-conference-meltdown-was-a-manic-ragefest-by-americas-worst-president/ &quot;Rick Wilson: Trump’s press conference meltdown was a ‘manic ragefest by America’s Worst President’&quot;] (14 April 2020), ''Rawstory''

* Shortly after 8pm on Election Night, when the unexpected trend - Trump might actually win - seemed confirmed, Don Jr told a friend that his father, or DJT, as he calls him, looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears - and not of joy. There was, in the space of little more than an hour, in Steve Bannon's not unamused observation, a befuddled Trump morphing into a disbelieving Trump and then into a horrified Trump. But still to come was the final transformation: Suddenly, Donald Trump became a man who believed that he deserved to be, and was wholly capable of being, the president of the United States.
** p. 18
* Trump did not enjoy his own inauguration. He was angry that A-level stars had snubbed the event, disgruntled with the accommodations at Blair House, and visibly fighting with his wife, who seemed on the verge of tears. Throughout the day, he wore what some around him had taken to calling his golf face: angry and pissed off, shoulders hunched, arms swinging, brow furled, lips pursed.
* In pursuing a friend's wife, he would try to persuade the wife that her husband was perhaps not what she thought.
** p. 23
* Trump, in fact, found the White House to be vexing and even a little scary. He retreated to his own bedroom - the first time since the Kennedy White House that a presidential couple had maintained separate rooms. In the first days, he ordered two television screens in addition to the one already there, and a lock on the door, precipitating a brief standoff with the Secret Service, who insisted they have access to the room.
* She [Ivanka Trump] treated her father with a degree of detachment, even irony, going so far as to make fun of his comb-over to others. She often described the mechanics behind it to friends: an absolutely clean pate - a contained island after scalp-reduction -surgery - surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray. The color, she would point out to comical effect, was from a product called Just for Men - the longer it was left on, the darker it got. Impatience resulted in Trump's orange-blond hair color.
* [[Rupert Murdoch]], heretofore doubtlessly certain Trump was a charlatan and a fool, said he and his new wife, Jerry Hall, would pay a call on the president-elect. But Murdoch was late- quite late. Trump kept assuring his guests that Rupert was on his way, coming soon. When some of the guests made a move to leave, Trump cajoled them to stay a little longer. ''You'll want to stay to see Rupert''. (Or, one of the guests interpreted, you'll want to stay to see Trump with Rupert.) It was a matched set of odd reversals- an ironic symmetry. Trump, perhaps not yet appreciating the difference between becoming president and elevating his social standing, was trying mightily to curry favor with the previously disdainful media mogul. And Murdoch, finally arriving at the party he was in more than one way sorely late to, was as subdued and thrown as everyone else, and struggling to adjust his view of a man who, for more than a generation, had been at best a clown prince among the rich and famous.
** p. 20
* Murdoch suggested that taking a liberal approach to [[w:H-1B visas|H-1B visas]], which open America's doors to select immigrants, might be hard to square with his promises to build a wall and close the borders. But Trump seemed unconcerned, assuring Murdoch, 'We'll figure it out.' &quot;What a fucking idiot,&quot; said Murdoch, shrugging, as he got off the phone.
** p. 36
* The unique problem here was partly how to get information to someone who did not (or could not or would not) read, and who at best listened only selectively. But the other part of the problem was how best to qualify the information that he liked to get... The information he did not get was formal information. The data. The details. The options. The analysis. He didn't do PowerPoint. For anything that smacked of a classroom or of being lectured to- &quot;professor&quot; was one of his bad words, and he was proud of never going to class, never buying a textbook, never taking a note- he got up and left the room.
** p. 188
* The president liked generals. The more fruit salad they wore, the better. The president was very pleased with the compliments he got for appointing generals who commanded the respect that Mattis and [[John F. Kelly|Kelly]] and [[H. R. McMaster|McMaster]] were accorded (pay no attention to Michael Flynn). What the president did not like was ''listening'' to generals, who, for the most part, were skilled in the new Army jargon of PowerPoint, data dumps, McKinsey-like presentations. One of the things that endeared Flynn to the president was the fact that Flynn, quite the conspiracist and drama queen, had good storytelling sense.
** p. 188
** [[w:Michael_Wolff_(journalist)|Michael Wolff]], ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House'' (2018)

*Let's begin with [Trump's] the simplest assertion: we are doing &quot;great&quot; economically... over the last 20 years the United States has had a hard time achieving economic growth. The last year or two are slightly better...  because the government gave an enormous boost... not private capitalist corporations, the government gave... The [[w:Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017|2017 tax cut]]... gave corporations... hundreds of billions of dollars in taxes they don't have to pay anymore... and they mostly used it to increase salaries of executives... very good for the top one percent, but not for the rest of the American people.
*Chinese workers, the average amount of money they get adjusted for inflation, has quadrupled in the last 12, 15 years. What happened to the average wage in America, adjusted for inflation? It hardly budged... Excluding that from the conversation - prancing around as if the economy here is the envy of the world - that's not just nonsense. 
*...he spent more time... demonizing [[immigrants]] than on any other topic.... the United States is an economy of three hundred and twenty five million people; the number of [[w:Illegal immigration to the United States|undocumented immigrants in the United States is estimated between 10 and 12 million [~3.4]%]] ...Focusing on immigrants is pure scapegoating; it's focusing people on something that doesn't matter because you don't want them to focus on what does matter.
**[[Richard Wolffe]] in [https://www.rdwolff.com/prof_wolff_on_sotu '''''Wolff responds to Trump's &quot;State of the Union&quot; address,'''''] (6 February 2019)

* I still call myself a [[conservative]], but only in full knowledge that there is a blot on the escutcheon, and many a writer who claims that title is an open [[treason|traitor]] to all I in truth uphold and he in word only. Because, honestly, a conservative who opposes Trump on the grounds of [[ideal]]s, despite what this administration has already done in deregulating and defanging the [[bureaucracy]], reversing foreign policy mistakes, and appointing originalist judges, falls into the same error of being a [[cult]]ist and not a political thinker.
** [[John C. Wright]], [http://www.scifiwright.com/2017/06/objectivism-and-alt-right/ &quot;Objectivism and Alt-Right&quot;] (2017)

=== Y ===
* He's the classic demagogue described well in the [[The Federalist|Federalist Papers]] that our system is designed to stop.
** {{W|John Yoo}}, [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/analysis-vengeful-world-donald-trump-why-it-matters-n671721 Analysis: the Vengeful World of Donald Trump and Why It Matters], at NBC News, published October 31, 2016
* Donald Trump is also a coward. For all of his tough talk and bluster, the president of the United States is a punk ass bitch. And this has also been apparent for as long as we've known who he is. 
* He slipped out of draft duty because of ... bone spurs. Bone spurs don't even get you on the NFL injury report, but he used it to stay the fuck away from actually having to fight. We know his history of bullying and insulting women. And, since he's been in office, we've seen him cower to Kim Jong Un and literally get Deeboed by Vladimir Putin — two men who, for all of their faults, would definitely whoop Trump's ass. 
* We've had racist presidents before. We've had malignant misogynists in office before. But never has our president been such a fucking wimp.
** Damon Young, [https://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/just-remember-that-your-punk-ass-president-would-never-1828105410 Just Remember That Your Punk-Ass President Would Never, Ever, Ever Call LeBron James Dumb to His Face], in {{W|The Root (magazine)|The Root}}, published August 4, 2018.

=== Z ===
*Donald Trump would be an awesome GOP nominee if he was remotely conservative, suited to beat Hillary, or had the temperament of a good POTUS.
**John Ziegler, [https://twitter.com/Zigmanfreud/status/697866127163043841 ''Twitter'' post] (February 2016)

* His decision to use his platform to condone rather than condemn the actions of his supporters at the Capitol building has rightly disturbed people in the US and around the world. We removed these statements yesterday because we judged that their effect — and likely their intent — would be to provoke further violence.
* We believe the risks of allowing the President to continue to use our service during this period are simply too great. Therefore, we are extending the block we have placed on his Facebook and Instagram accounts indefinitely and for at least the next two weeks until the peaceful transition of power is complete.
** [[Mark Zuckerberg]], CEO Facebook, quoted in [https://techcrunch.com/2021/01/07/mark-zuckerberg-announces-trump-banned-from-facebook-and-instagram-for-at-least-the-next-two-weeks/ &quot;Mark Zuckerberg announces Trump banned from facebook and instagram for 'at least the next two weeks'&quot;] (January 7 2021) &lt;i&gt; Tech Crunch &lt;/i&gt;

*Could Donald Trump be a secret double-agent, sent by Democrats to destroy their party from within? Former Florida governor Jeb Bush, who has borne the brunt of more than a few Trump barbs, seems to think there's a possibility... He's belittling his Republican colleagues. He's pulling the party to the nativist right in direct conflict with the goal set by strategists in 2013 to appeal to a more ethnically diverse nation. And he's generally sucking up all the political oxygen, making it harder for other candidates to get their message out. All in all, many experts say he's making it much more difficult for a Republican to win the general election next fall. Maybe he's doing it on purpose... But as the saying goes, even paranoids have enemies. And, at least for the moment, there are some Republicans who see Donald Trump much more of an enemy than a friend.
**Anthony Zurcher, [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35066940 &quot;Is Donald Trump a Democratic secret agent?&quot;] (11 December 2015), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation

*Trump has forged a coalition between the workers and the patriotic elite. I strongly believe in the coalition that has brought Trump together. Just like Boris Johnson. That, I think, is the political axis of the future.
** [https://nos.nl/nieuwsuur/artikel/2402214-hoe-de-franse-trump-eric-zemmour-de-politiek-op-zijn-kop-zet How the 'French Trump' Éric Zemmour is turning politics upside down.]

==See also==
* [[Donald Trump on social media]]
* [[Donald Trump Jr.]]
* [[Impeachment of Donald Trump]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Presidency of Donald Trump]]
* [[Racial views of Donald Trump]]
* [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections]]
* [[2020 United States presidential election]]

== External links==
{{Sister project links|w=Donald Trump|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Donald Trump|commons=Donald Trump|n=Donald Trump|v=no|species=no|d=Q22686|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}}
* [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ Official website]
* [https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/06/23/opinion/trumps-lies.html &quot;Trump's Lies&quot;] by [[w:David Leonhardt|David Leonhardt]] and Stuart A. Thompson - a catalog of &quot;nearly every outright lie he has told publicly&quot; in his first five months in office, in ''{{w|The New York Times}}''  (23 June 2017)

{{Authority control}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Trump, Donald}}
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[[Category:Donald Trump| ]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2016]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2000]]
[[Category:Conspiracy theorists]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:University of Pennsylvania alumni]]
[[Category:Businesspeople in real estate]]

[[fi:Donald Trump]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2024]]
[[Category:People charged with crimes]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607524</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>HouseOfChange</username>
        <id>1404243</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>rmv offtopic -- not a quote about Trump, nor is it particularly quotable</comment>
      <origin>3607524</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1100255" sha1="6yzomx6n3uqxujo0t5b7yixj9uptn4w" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I know words. I have the best words.]][[File:Cabinet Meeting (49092290281).jpg|thumb|In a certain way, I felt very safe, because I had God on my side. I really felt that[https://variety.com/2024/biz/news/donald-trump-god-rnc-nomination-1236077838/ ]|alt=File:Main-qimg-021d8d22e0438179020144bbb4821733.jpg]]
[[File:Shinzo Abe and Donald Trump playing golf.jpg|thumb|If they do ‘assassinate President Trump,’ which is always a possibility, I hope that America obliterates Iran, wipes it off the face of the Earth, If that does not happen, American Leaders will be considered ‘gutless’ cowards![https://nypost.com/2024/07/25/us-news/trump-hopes-us-obliterates-iran-if-hes-assassinated-by-the-american-adversary/ ]]]
[[File:This was the President Donald Trump's first trip aboard Air Force One (cropped).jpg|thumb|I know the best people. To me, it's all about people. You got to have the right people. When we have the right people, it runs beautifully[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people ]]]
'''[[w:Donald Trump|Donald John Trump]]''' (born [[June 14]], [[1946]]) is an American [[w:Political career of Donald Trump|politician]], [[w:Media career of Donald Trump|media personality]], and [[w:Business career of Donald Trump|businessman]] who served as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|45th]] [[President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] from 2017 to 2021.

:See also:
::'''''[[Donald Trump on social media]]'''''
::'''''[[Presidency of Donald Trump]]'''''
::'''''[[Racial views of Donald Trump]]'''''
::'''''[[Trumpism]]'''''

==Quotes==
===1980s===
* '''Rona Barrett''': If you lost your fortune today, what would you do tomorrow?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Maybe I’d run for president.  I don’t know.  
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* '''Rona Barrett''': Would you like to be the [[President of the United States]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I really don't believe I would, Rona. But I would like to see somebody as the president who could do the job, and there are very capable people in this country.&lt;br&gt;'''Barrett''': Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Because I think it's a very mean life. I would love, and I would dedicate my life to this country but I see it as being a mean life, and I also see it in somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which may be right, but may be unpopular, wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile im also orange.
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* '''Rona Barrett''': How would you like to be remembered?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Well, as somebody that’s contributed something to the United States and to the [[New York City|City of New York]], and to the various other places that I’m going, and somebody that’s done a little bit better than other people at what he does. 
** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

* I said, 'I will build you this incredible, gorgeous, gleaming hotel. I will put people to work in the construction trades and save hotel [[jobs]] and the Grand Central area will come around.' So the city made the deal.
** {{citation
|title=The Empire and Ego of Donald Trump
|journal=The New York Times
|date=August 7, 1983
|first=Marilyn
|last=Bender
|url=http://www.nytimes.com/1983/08/07/business/the-empire-and-ego-of-donald-trump.html
}}

* &quot;Give them the old Trump bullshit,&quot; he told the architect Der Scutt before a presentation of the [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]] design at a press conference in 1980. &quot;Tell them it is going to be a million square feet, sixty-eight stories.&quot;
** [[Marie Brenner]] &quot;After the Gold Rush&quot;, ''[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]'' (September 1, 1990)

* Some people have an ability to [[negotiate]]. It's an [[art]] you're basically born with. You either have it or you don't.
* It would take an hour-and-a-half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. I think I know most of it anyway. You're talking about just getting updated on a situation
** {{citation
|title=Donald Trump, Holding All The Cards The Tower! The Team! The Money! The Future!
|journal=Washington Post
|date=November 15, 1984
|first=Lois
|last=Romano
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/pb/archive/lifestyle/1984/11/15/donald-trump-holding-all-the-cards-the-tower-the-team-the-money-the-future/8be79254-7793-4812-a153-f2b88e81fa54/?resType=accessibility
}}, talking about his desire to be involved in negotiations with the then Soviet Union

* I have featured and will always continue to feature my name prominently in all my [[enterprises]].
**''[[w:Business Week|Business Week]]'' (July 22, 1985)

* I look at things for the art sake and the beauty sake and for the deal sake.
**''[[w:New York (magazine)|New York]]'' (July 11, 1988), p. 24

* I'm not big on [[compromise]]. I understand compromise. Sometimes compromise is the right answer, but oftentimes compromise is the equivalent of [[Failure|defeat]], and I don't like being defeated.
**''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]]'', Vol. 12 (January 1989), p. iii

* [[Ed Koch|Mayor Koch]] has stated that hate and rancor should be removed from our hearts. I do not think so.
**[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the [[w:New York Daily News|''New York Daily News'']] and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* How can [[w:Society of the United States|our great society]] tolerate the continued brutalization of [[w:Citizenship of the United States|its citizens]] by crazed misfits? [[w:Crime in the United States|Criminals]] must be told that their [[w:Civil liberties in the United States|CIVIL LIBERTIES]] END WHEN AN ATTACK ON OUR SAFETY BEGINS!
**[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the ''New York Daily News'' and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* Let [[w:Politics of the United States|our politicians]] give back our [[w:New York City Police Department|police department]]'s power to keep us safe. Unshackle them from the constant chant of &quot;[[w:Police brutality in the United States|police brutality]]&quot; which every [[w:Misdemeanor|petty criminal]] hurls immediately at an officer who has just risked his or her life to save another's.
** [http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg &quot;Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!&quot;] An advert taken out by Trump in the New York Daily News and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d once the real perpetrator was identified in 2002) (May 1, 1989)

* Of course I hate these people and let's all hate these people because maybe hate is what we need if we're gonna get something done.
** In [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/trump-larry-king-central-park-five/index.html 1989 interview] with {{W|Larry King}}, about the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (who was later found to have been wrongfully convicted)

* I like to hire people that I've seen in action. I often hire people that were on the opposing side of a deal that I respect.
**''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' (September 23, 1989), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 25

* I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist.
**''[[w:Playboy (magazine)|Playboy]]'' (March 1990)

====''[[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|Trump: The Art of the Deal]]'' (1987)====
:&lt;small&gt;'''From ''Trump: The Art of the Deal'' (1987) by Donald J. Trump with [[Tony Schwartz (author)|Tony Schwartz]].'''&lt;/small&gt;

* I don't do it for the [[money]]. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever [[need]]. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That's how I get my kicks.
** p. 1

* I try to [[learn]] from the [[past]], but I plan for the [[future]] by focusing exclusively on the [[present]].
** p. 2

* Sometimes it pays to be a little wild.
** p. 5

* Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that '''sometimes your best [[investments]] are the ones you don't make.'''
** p. 28

* My [[philosophy]] is always to hire the best from the best.
** p. 31

* Deal-making is an ability you're born with. It's in the genes.
** p. 45

* I like thinking big. I always have. To me it's very simple: if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big. Most people think small, because most people are afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of winning. And that gives people like me a great advantage.
** p. 46

* I wasn't [[satisfied]] just to earn a good living. I was looking to make a statement.
** p. 47

* People think I'm a [[gambler]]. I've never gambled in my life. To me, a gambler is someone who plays slot machines. I prefer to own slot machines. It's a very good [[business]] being the house.
** p. 48

* The point is that you can't be too [[Greed|greedy]].
** p. 48

* I'm a great believer in [[asking]] everyone for an [[opinion]] before I make a [[decision]]. ... I ask and I ask and I ask, until I begin to get a gut feeling about something. And that's when I make a decision. I have learned much more from conducting my own random surveys than I could ever have learned from the greatest of consulting firms.
** pp. 51–52

* The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it. That makes the other guy smell blood, and then you're dead. The best thing you can do is deal from strength, and leverage is the biggest strength you can have. Leverage is having something the other guy wants. Or better yet, needs. Or best of all, simply can't do without. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, which is why leverage often requires imagination, and salesmanship.
** p. 53

* The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people's fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That's why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration—and a very effective form of promotion.
** p. 58

* My experience is that if you're fighting for something you believe in—even if it means alienating some people along the way—things usually work out for the best in the end.
** p. 59

* One of the problems when you become successful is that jealousy and envy inevitably follow. There are people—I categorize them as life's losers—who get their sense of accomplishment and achievement from trying to stop others. As far as I'm concerned, if they had any real ability they wouldn't be fighting me, they'd be doing something constructive themselves.
** p. 59

* '''You can't con people, at least not for long. You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on.'''
** p. 60

[[File:Trump_1987.jpg|thumb|205x205px|Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.]]
* '''[[Money]] was never a big [[motivation]] for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the [[game]].'''
** p. 63

* Get in, get it done, get it done right, and get out.
** p. 65

* The most important thing in life is to [[love]] what you're doing, because that's the only way you'll ever be really good at it.
** p. 67

* You can't be [[scared]]. You do your thing, you hold your ground, you stand up tall, and whatever happens, happens.
** p. 89

* [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|My own mother]] was a housewife all her life. And yet it's turned out that I've hired a lot of [[women]] for top jobs, and they've been among my best people. Often, in fact, they are far more effective than the [[men]] around them.
** p. 173

* In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.
** p. 355

* What I admire most are people who put themselves directly on the line.
** p. 367

* In my life, there are two things I've found I'm very good at: overcoming obstacles and motivating good people to do their best work.
** p. 367

===1990===
[[File:Universal_health_care.svg|thumb|I'm very [[liberal]] when it comes to [[health care]]. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.]]
[[File:Goddess_of_Democracy_at_UBC.jpg|thumb|When the students poured into Tiananmen Square, the Chinese government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989|they put it down with strength]]. That shows you the power of strength.]]
* What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.
** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 3

*She turned out to be the wife of a man who was then the prime minister of a major country. I'd heard stories about this lady, but I never thought much of them until that night. We met at the house of the friend who'd phoned me. After we'd all chatted for a while in the living room, the four of us who already knew each other drifted out to the kitchen, leaving Ben and Madame X in the living room to get better acquainted. Which they did. In fact, when we drifted back in, about ten minutes later, she and Ben were involved in an incredibly torrid scene on the couch. I remember standing there and thinking to myself, &quot;Well, Donald, you're not in Queens anymore.&quot;
** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 52

* &quot;When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left,&quot; he told me.
** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990|title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} by [[Marie Brenner]]

* &quot;I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me,&quot; Donald told a close friend.
** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990 |author=Marie Brenner |title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}}

* Very good question. (pause) I don't think it's a sin but I don't think it should be done.
** in response to the question, &quot;Is [[adultery]] a sin.&quot;
** in the ''[[New York Post]]'' (February 23, 1990), as [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/30/donald-trump-in-1990-adultery-is-not-a-sin.html archived at ''the Daily Beast'']

* [[Leona Helmsley]] is a truly evil human being. She treated employees worse than any human being I've ever witnessed and I've dealt with some of the toughest human beings alive.
** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}

* When [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests|the students poured into Tiananmen Square]], the {{w|Chinese government}} almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength. That shows you the power of strength.
** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Bury Trump in a Landslide |periodical={{w|New York Daily News}} |url=http://interactive.nydailynews.com/2016/10/daily-news-editorial-bury-trump-in-landslide/}}

* I said to the [[bankers]], &quot;Listen, fellows, if I have a problem, then you have a problem. We have to find a way out or it's going to be a difficult time for both of us.&quot;
** ''Fortune'' (August 13, 1990), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 44
** Cf. [[J. Paul Getty]]: &quot;If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.&quot;

===1991===
* You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
** [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a24057/donald-trump-presidential-run-2016-072913/ Esquire Interview] (1991)

===1992===
* You have to treat 'em [women] like s--- {{sic}}
** Reported in {{cite news |title=Fighting Back: Trump Scrambles off the Canvas |first=Julie |last=Baumgold |work=New York |volume=25 |number=44 |date=1992-11-09 |page=43 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=BeUCAAAAMBAJ&amp;q=%22trump+is+talking+about+women+and+says%22#v=snippet&amp;q=%22trump%20is%20talking%20about%20women%20and%20says%22&amp;f=false}}. Bowdlerization in the original.

* Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I'll be dating you.
** to two 14-year-old girls in 1992
** from the {{w|Chicago Tribune}}, as archived at [http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/10/13/in_1992_trump_told_two_14_year_old_girls_in_a_couple_of_years_i_ll_be_dating.html Slate]

* He's a good guy, and he's not going to hurt anybody. . . . He treated his wife well and . . . he will treat Marla well.
:Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.
:I mean, he's living with Marla and he's got three other girlfriends.
:He does things for himself. When he makes a decision, that will be a very lucky woman.
:* Speaking about himself under the pseudonym of [[w:Pseudonyms of Donald Trump#&quot;John Miller&quot; (1991)|John Miller]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl a 1991 interview with a ''People'' reporter], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself], Washington Post 

* I'm gonna be dating her in ten years.
** of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992
** {{citation |date=2016-10-13 |author=Emily Schultheis |title=More allegations, questionable Trump comments on women surface |periodical=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/news/more-unearthed-footage-trump-says-of-10-year-old-i-am-going-to-be-dating-her-in-10-years/}}

===1993===
* '''Howard Stern''': So, you treat women with respect?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Uh, I can't say that either.&lt;br&gt;'''Stern''': Alright, good.
** An interview on ''[[w:The Howard Stern Show|The Howard Stern Show]]'', 1993

* You know, if you’re young, and in this era, and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam—it’s called the dating game... Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam.
** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1993, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People'']

*I am not a {{w|law enforcement officer}}. I am not supposed to be going around checking {{w|Indian reservation}}s. That is what you have [[w:Federal Bureau of Investigation#Indian reservations|the FBI for]], and they are very capable, the most capable.
**Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, October 5, 1993: In ''Implementation of Indian Gaming Regulatory Act: Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, One Hundred Third Congress ... Public Law 100-497, the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988'', Part 5, page 187

===1994===
* Well, I think that she's got a lot of [[w:Marla Maples|Marla]] [Maples, Trump's second wife], she's a really beautiful baby, and she's got Marla's legs. We don't know whether she's got this part yet [gestures toward own chest], but time will tell...
** [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/04/06/video_donald_trump_on_his_one_year_old_daughter_s_brests.html On his then-one year old daughter Tiffany], ''Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'', 1994

*Everybody's always blaming me for everything.
**16 May 1994 in &quot;For Sale by Owner&quot; s4e24 of &quot;Fresh Prince of Bel-Air&quot;, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_wcNmQ_hEk&amp;t=70 video here]

===1996===
* Let's make a deal; if you promise not to get &quot;personal&quot; with me, I will promise not to show you as the crude, fat and obnoxious slob which everyone knows you are. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump.
** [http://www.palmbeachdailynews.com/lifestyles/before-twitter-name-calling-letter-from-donald-trump/KaGSV40cQnefESyXhe5CuN/ Letter to journalist Shannon Donnelly], 1996

===1997===
*“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider”
**speaking of having [[sex]] and referring to women's genitals as “potential landmines”.
** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1997, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People'']

===1999===
* I'm [[w:Conservatism in the United States|conservative]], and even very [[conservative]]. But I'm quite [[w:Liberalism in the United States|liberal]] and getting much more [[w:Healthcare reform debate in the United States#Liberal arguments|liberal on health care]] and other things. I really say: What's the purpose of a country if you're not going to have defensive and [[health care]]? If you can't take care of your sick in the country, forget it, it's all over. I mean, it's no good. So I'm very liberal when it comes to health care. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/stories/1999/10/08/trump.transcript/ Interview with Larry King] ''CNN'' (October 1999)

* I surround myself with the best people. I know the best people.
** On an interview (1999 November 26)

* The part of my life I think I'm most disappointed in is that I have not had the great marriage. And I would have thought that would have happened, because I came from a home—you know, it's not like some of my [[Friend|friends]], they get divorced, but their parents were divorced twice or three times. I came from a home where marriage was just incredible. I mean, my parents truly loved each other.
** ''Good Morning America'' (2 December 1999), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 46

* I'm on the conservative side, but [[Pat Buchanan|[Pat] Buchanan]] is [[Attila]] the Hun.
** As quoted in  ''Selected Quotes from Newsweek Magazine, 1999'' — {{cite web |url=https://web.archive.org/web/20001015150910/http://www.sph.umich.edu/~rwatt/old_nw3.htm |title=Richard Watanabe - Newsweek Quotes, 1999 |publisher=Sph.umich.edu |date= |accessdate=2010-06-13}}

* People want me to [run for president] all the time … I don't like it. Can you imagine how controversial I'd be? You think about him ''[Bill Clinton]'' and the women. How about me with the women? Can you imagine?
** On ''{{W|Hardball with Chris Matthews}}'', as quoted in {{citation |date=1999-07-12 |author=Deborah Orin |title=Trump ‘toys’ with prez run |periodical={{w|New York Post}} |url=http://nypost.com/1999/07/12/trump-toys-with-prez-run}}

===2000===
* I generally oppose [[w:Gun control in the United States|gun control]], but I support the ban on [[assault weapon]]s.
**{{cite book |title=[[w:The America We Deserve|The America We Deserve]] |authorlink1=w:Donald Trump |first1=Donald |last1=Trump |first2=Dave |last2=Shiflett |year=2000 |publisher=[[w:Renaissance Books|Renaissance Books]] |isbn=1580631312}}; {{cite news |title=Trump's Evolving Positions on Gun Issues |first1=Linda |last1=Qiu |first2=Kitty |last2=Bennett |date=March 12, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/12/us/politics/trump-evolving-positions-gun-issues.html}}

* So the [[wikipedia:Reform Party of the United States of America|Reform Party]] now includes a Klansman, Mr. [[David Duke|Duke]], a [[neo-Nazi]], Mr. Buchanan, and a [[communist]], [[w:Lenora Fulani|Ms. Fulani]]. This is not company I wish to keep.
** As quoted in {{cite news |last= |first= |date=14 February 2000 |title=QUOTATION OF THE DAY |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2000/02/14/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-815233.html |newspaper=The New York Times |location= |access-date= }}&lt;!--{{cite news |last1=Kaczynski  |first1=Andrew |last2=Massie| first2=Christopher |date= Aug. 26, 2015, at 11:27 p.m. |title=Top Racists And Neo-Nazis Back Donald Trump |url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/meet-the-prominent-white-nationalists-fired-up-to-support-do#.vuV8WvAdp |newspaper=BuzzFeed News |location= |access-date= }}--&gt;

* I judge people based on their capability, honesty, and merit.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=smMEAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PA23&amp;dq=%22Trump%20towers%22 &quot;Trump towers&quot;], interview with Paul Alexander, ''The Advocate'' (15 February 2000), p. 23

* It's very possible that I could be the first [[w:United States presidential election|presidential candidate]] to run and make money on it.
** Reported by Jerry Useem, [http://fortune.com/2000/04/03/what-does-donald-trump-really-want/ &quot;What Does Donald Trump Really Want?&quot;], ''Fortune'', 3 April 2000.

===2002===
* I think the regulations are very tough, but I think they could be made tougher. And where they really have to be made tougher is when somebody is proven [[w:Unfair business practices|to be dishonest]], not a mistake, not an honest mistake because look, people make bad business deals all the time. When somebody is proven to be dishonest, really harsh punishment has to take place.
**''[[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|Hardball with Chris Matthews]]'' (15 July 2002), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 23

* '''[[Howard Stern]]''': Are you for [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|the invasion of Iraq]]?
* '''Donald Trump''': Yeah, I guess so. I wish, uh, I wish [[Gulf War|the first time]] it was done correctly.
** Interview on [[wikipedia:The Howard Stern Show|Howard Stern Show]] (11 September 2002), reported by ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/in-2002-donald-trump-said-he-supported-invading-iraq-on-the? BuzzFeed]'' (19 February 2016)

* I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
** On [[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]]. Quoted in ''[https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ New York]'', 28 October 2002.

* I don't know how you do it. I've put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you've pulled off, it's amazing: a Big N' Tasty for just a dollar. How do you do it? What's your secret? Together Grimace, we could own this town.
** Trump's lines in a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4QNXnNftWk McDonald's advert] (2002), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-01-15|author=Rachel Desantis|title=Donald Trump’s lifelong love of fast food, from his 2002 McDonald’s commercial to ‘hamberders’|periodical=New York Daily News|url=https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/ny-news-donald-trump-has-always-loved-fast-food-20190115-story.html}}

===2003===
* I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways.
** Interview with Norwegian talk show host [[wikipedia:Fredrik Skavlan|Fredrik Skavlan]] in (November 2003).{{fix cite}}&lt;!-- published/quoted where? --&gt;

===2004===
* Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004)

* If you don't tell people about your success, they probably won't know about it.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. xiii

* Get going. Move forward. Aim high. Plan for a takeoff. Don't just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won't happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you'll love it up here.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 74

* In business—every business—the bottom line is understanding the process. If you don't understand the process, you'll never reap the rewards of the process.
** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 86

* Watch, listen, and learn. You can't know it all yourself—anyone who thinks that they do is destined for mediocrity.
** ''Trump: The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received'' (2004), p. 20

* I don't like firing people. It's not a pleasant thing and it's sad. ... In some cases, it's a terrible, terrible situation for the person who gets fired, how strongly they take it. So it's not something that any rational or sane person can love doing, but it also happens to be a fact of life in business.
** ''Boston Herald'' (7 January 2004), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 16

* People say, &quot;Do you have the same opportunity today as you had years ago?&quot; And I said, &quot;Absolutely.&quot; You always have an opportunity. There's always an opportunity, especially in this country.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0403/21/le.00.html Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer], ''CNN'' (21 March 2004)

* All of the women on [[w:The Apprentice (U.S. TV series)|''The Apprentice'']] flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected.
**[http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/gossip/donald-cuomo-mario-fired-article-1.612165 Ny Daily News] (24 March 2004)

* ''[On &quot;You're fired!&quot;:]'' There's a beauty in those two words. When you utter those words, there's very little that can be said. There's a succinctness to those words.
** {{citation
|title=Trump TV / 'The Apprentice' takes realistic inside look at corporate world
|journal=San Francisco Chronicle
|date=2004-03-28
|first=David
|last=Armstrong
|url=http://www.sfgate.com/business/article/Trump-TV-The-Apprentice-takes-realistic-2802491.php
}}

* My life is seeing everything in terms of &quot;How would ''I'' handle that?&quot; '''Look at the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]] and the mess that we're in. I would never have handled it that way.''' Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C'mon. Two minutes after we leave, there's going to be a [[revolution]], and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he'll have [[w:Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], which [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] didn't have. '''What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who've been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!'''
** ''Esquire'' magazine (August 2004); [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/interviews/a37230/donald-trump-esquire-cover-story-august-2004/ &quot;Donald Trump: How I'd Run the Country (Better)&quot; (18 August 2015)]

* Pregnancy is &quot;a wonderful thing for the woman, it's a wonderful thing for the husband, it's certainly an inconvenience for a business.&quot;
** About pregnancy (2004)

* The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I’ve been proven right.
** Playboy, 2004 [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/06/14/donald-trump-70-birthday-quotes/85619552/]

* In many cases, I probably identify more as Democrat.  It just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats than the Republicans. Now, it shouldn't be that way. But if you go back, I mean it just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats. ...But certainly we had some very good economies under Democrats, as well as Republicans. But we've had some pretty bad disaster under the Republicans.
** Said in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, as quoted by {{citation |title=Trump in '04: 'I probably identify more as Democrat'
| journal=CNN | author=Chris Moody | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2015/07/21/politics/donald-trump-election-democrat/index.html }}

===2005===
* I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, &quot;Is everyone OK?&quot;, you know they're standing there with no clothes, &quot;Is everybody OK?&quot;, and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that.
** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005)

* They had a person who was extremely proud that a number of the women had become doctors. And I wasn't interested.
** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005)

* I did try and fuck her. She was married. '''I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there.''' And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look. I've gotta use some [[w:Tic Tacs|Tic Tacs]], just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. '''Just kiss. I don't even wait. When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything... Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.'''
** To {{w|Billy Bush}} in 2005; [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html &quot;Transcript: Donald Trump's Taped Comments About Women&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (8 October 2016)

===2006===
* It would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.
** On 7 March 2006 during an appearance on the daytime talk show ''[[w:The View (talk show)|The View]]'' while discussing the possibility of [[Ivanka Trump]]’s posing for ''[[Playboy]]'' magazine. As quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/donald-trump-date-daughter/ Did Donald Trump Say He’d Like to Date His Daughter?]'' by Dan Evon, 10 July 2015, ''{{w|Snopes}}'', and quoted with video clip in {{citation|date=2016-10-10|author=Adam Withnall|title=Donald Trump's unsettling record of comments about his daughter Ivanka|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-creepiest-most-unsettling-comments-a-roundup-a7353876.html}}

* I thought today's women were independent and had a lot of sexual freedom. ... Well, I guess they fooled me.
** In April 2006, about women's disaproval of {{w|one-night stand}}s. As quoted in ''[https://www.marketwatch.com/story/trump-on-clinton-in-2008-shed-make-a-good-president-2016-07-11 Trump on Clinton in 2008: ‘She'd make a good president']'' (July 11, 2016) by Michael Rothfield and {{w|Mark Maremont}}, ''{{w|MarketWatch}}''.

* '''Jon Ward:''' There's a lot of talk, which you no doubt heard too, about a sort of [[real estate]] bubble. What's your take on that pessimism?
* '''Donald Trump:''' Well, first of all, I sort of hope that happens because then people like me would go in and buy. 
** ''How to Build a Fortune'' (2006), Trump University audiobook, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-05-19|author=Jeremy Diamond|title=Donald Trump in 2006: I 'sort of hope' real estate market tanks|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/05/19/politics/donald-trump-2006-hopes-real-estate-market-crashes/index.html}}

* No, I have no age — I mean, I have age limit. I don't want to be like Congressman Foley, with, you know, 12-year-olds,
** [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/donald-trump-howard-stern-tapes-women-35_uk_57fa46e1e4b01fa2b904368b Donald Trump Howard Stern Tapes Show Him Saying 35 Is 'Check-Out Time' For Women And Agreeing His Daughter Is A 'Piece Of Ass'] (2006) When asked if he has an age limit for women he'll sleep with.

===2007===
* Since I love what I do, I do it vigorously and I do it better. Because I inject it with enthusiasm and passion, it doesn't feel like work. My passion spills over to everyone around me and motivates them to do their very best.
** ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uuR61zcvMTgC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1&amp;dq=%22since+I+LOVE+WHAT+I+DO,+I+DO+IT+VIGOROUSLY%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=ko6GrZPr-e&amp;sig=x3zLQ1fWbNJIrx-7M0CzI-zPljg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjuncTq2OvRAhXCLMAKHTzHDNwQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22since%20I%20LOVE%20WHAT%20I%20DO%2C%20I%20DO%20IT%20VIGOROUSLY%22&amp;f=false Trump 101 The Way to Success]'' (2007), p. 1

* Passion is absolutely necessary to achieve any kind of long-lasting success. I know this from experience. If you don't have passion, everything you do will ultimately fizzle out or, at best, be mediocre.
** ''Trump 101 The Way to Success'' (2007), p. 2

* [[Iraq War|The war]] is total disaster. It's a catastrophe, nothing less. It is such a shame that this took place. In fact, I gained a lot of respect for our current [[George H. W. Bush|president's father]] by the fact that he had the sense not to go in to [[Iraq]]. He won the war and then said let's not go the rest of the way and he turned out to be right. And [[Saddam Hussein]], whether they like him or didn't like him, he hated [[terrorists]]. He'd shoot and kill terrorists. When terrorists came in to his country, which he did control and he did dominate, he would kill terrorists. Now it's a breeding ground for terrorists. So, look, the war is a total catastrophe...and they have [[w:Sectarian violence in Iraq (2006–08)|a civil war]] going on.
** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on &quot;The Situation Room&quot; with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007)

* I make that --- twice now, on a Monday I let returning Iraqi injured [[soldiers]] come to the premises. The most beautiful people I've ever seen. But they're missing arms and legs, they're with their wives, sometimes they're with their girlfriends. And the tears are coming down the faces of these people. I mean, thousands and maybe hundreds of thousands, and [[w:Casualties of the Iraq War#Total Iraqi casualties|the Iraqis that have been just maimed and killed]]. This war is a horrible thing. Now, President Bush says he's [[religious]]. And yet 400,000 people, the way I count it, have died, and probably millions have been badly maimed and injured. What's going on? What's going on? And the day we pull out it's going to explode. We're keeping the lid on a little bit. It's still a catastrophe, but the day we pull out, because they're in a [[w:Iraqi Civil War|civil war]]. Whether we want to admit it or not, they're in a civil war.
** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on &quot;The Situation Room&quot; with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007)

* [[Hillary Clinton]] I think is a terrific woman. I am biased because I have known her for years. I live in New York. She lives in New York. I really like her and her husband both a lot. I think she really works hard. And I think, again, she's given an agenda, it is not all of her, but I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.
** 2007 ''CNN'' interview, reported in [[w:Zeke J. Miller|Zeke J. Miller]], &quot;[http://time.com/3962799/donald-trump-hillary-clinton/ When Donald Trump Praised Hillary Clinton]&quot;, ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (July 17, 2015).

* {{w|Trump Steaks}} are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer you. And as a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give. One bite, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, and believe me. I understand steaks, it's my favorite food.
** Lines marking the introduction of Trump Steaks by The Sharper Image (2007)

* My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with the markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings, but I try.
** Claimed in December 2007, quoted in [https://money.cnn.com/2011/04/21/news/companies/donald_trump/index.htm &quot;Trump: I'm worth whatever I feel&quot;], ''CNN'' (April 21, 2011)

* Congratulations on being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' — you definitely deserve it. As you have probably heard, I'm a big fan of yours!
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/revealed-donald-trump-letters-to-vladimir-putin-miss-universe-russia-2020-8?r=US&amp;IR=T Letter to Russian president Vladimir Putin]

===2008===
* They'll walk up, and they'll flip their top, and they'll flip their panties.
** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-details-sexual-attractions-relationships-radio-interviews/story?id=37190691 Interview on ''The Howard Stern Show''] (2008)

* Hillary Clinton said she'd consider naming [[Barack Obama]] as her vice president when she gets the nomination, but she's nowhere near a shoo-in.
** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in audio released by the ''Journal''. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''.

* For his part, Obama said he's just focused on winning the nomination although at least one member on his team said Clinton would make a good vice president. Well, I know her and she'd make a good president or good vice president.
** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in an audio from &quot;Trumped!&quot;, a syndicated radio feature that aired from 2004 to 2008. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''.

* It's very exciting we have a new president. It would have been nice if he ended with a 500 point up instead of down. It's certainly very exciting. His speech was great last night. I thought it was inspiring in every way. And, hopefully he's going to do a great job. But the way I look at it, he cannot do worse [[w:Presidency of George W. Bush|than Bush]].
** [http://www.foxnews.com/story/2008/11/06/donald-trump-on-president-elect-obama-cannot-do-worse-than-bush.html &quot;Donald Trump on President-Elect Obama: 'He Cannot Do Worse Than Bush'&quot; Interview with Greta Van Susteren] [[Fox News]] (6 November 2008)

===2009===
* If I'd started in business thinking I knew everything, I'd have been sunk before I started... Never think of learning as being a burden or studying as being boring. It may require some discipline, but it can be an adventure. It can also prepare you for a new beginning.
** ''Think Like a Champion: An Informal Education In Business and Life'' (2009), pp. 16–17

* Without passion, you don't have energy; without energy, you have nothing. [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.]]
** As quoted in ''Social Networking for Authors: Untapped Possibilities for Wealth'' (2009) by Michael Volkin, p. 60

*let's just talk. I'll give you as much time as you want. I'll tell you what you need to know
**2009 to [[w:Bradley Edwards|Bradley Edwards]] (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) as narrated by Edwards in December 2018 interview, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit]

===2011===
* Part of the [[beauty]] of me is that I am very [[rich]].
** Interview with [[w:Ashleigh Banfield|Ashleigh Banfield]] on ABC's ''[[w:Good Morning America|Good Morning America]]'' (17 March 2011); also in {{citation |date=2011-03-17 |author=Neil King Jr. |title=Trump on 2012: ‘Part of Beauty of Me Is I'm Very Rich’ |periodical=Washington Wire |publisher=Wall Street Journal |url=http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2011/03/17/trump-on-2012-part-of-beauty-of-me-is-im-very-rich/}}

* They asked [[John McCain]] for his [[w:Birth certificate|birth certificate]]. They've asked others for their birth certificate. They asked Bush for his birth certificate, by the way. I just found out over the weekend. And they would ask me for my birth certificate and by the way, it's sitting on the top of my desk. They give you a certificate of live birth, which anybody can get, just walk into the hospital, and you get a certificate of live birth. It's not even signed by people. Now, this guy either has a birth certificate or he doesn't. And I didn't think this was such a big deal, but I will tell you, it's turning out to be a very big deal because people now are calling me from all over saying, please don't give up on this issue. If you weren't born in this country, [[w:Natural-born-citizen clause|you cannot be president]].
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* So he could have come into the country, and they did it for social reasons they put it in! They did it for whatever reason. There are a lot of reasons you could have put an ad in. But he could have been born outside of this country. Why can't he produce a birth certificate and by the way, there is one story that his family doesn't even know what hospital he was born in!
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* I start off every time I talk about [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories#Campaigners and proponents|the birthers]], I start off by saying, and it's very interesting, I was a great student at the best college in the country. You know? I want to let people know. I'm a smart guy. Because what they do to the birthers, and I don't even like the term, the birthers. I think it's unfair to them. These are people that want to see a birth certificate. They want to know that the president was born here!
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* Because if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. And, there is a real question. And if this birth certificate exists, you know what I get a kick out of? [[w:Neil Abercrombie|The Governor of Hawaii]] says, &quot;I remember when he was born 50 years ago.&quot; I doubt it. I think this guy should be investigated. I doubt it. He remembers when [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Childhood years|Obama was born]]? Give me a break! He's just trying to do something for [[Democratic Party (United States)|his party]]. The fact is, if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. He is having a hard time — he spent millions of dollars trying to get away from this issue, millions of dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And I'll tell you what, I brought it up just routinely and all of a sudden, a lot of facts are emerging, and I'm starting to wonder myself whether or not he was born in this country.
** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation
|title=Fox &amp; Friends
|medium=Television
|publisher=Fox News
|date=2011-03-28}}
** {{citation
|title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, &quot;I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not &lt;nowiki&gt;[Obama]&lt;/nowiki&gt; Was Born In This Country&quot;
|journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]]
|date=2011-03-28
|url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006
|accessdate=2011-03-30}}

* '''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of [[politics]], and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Vieira''': I mean, in [[Hawaii]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics.
**{{citation
|title=Today
|date=2011-04-07
|publisher=NBC
|medium=Television}}
** regarding Barack Obama
** Two million dollars is the sum of all the Obama presidential campaign's post-election legal expenses.[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/apr/12/donald-trump/donald-trump-claims-obama-has-spent-2-million-lega/]

* '''[[w:David Brody (journalist)|David Brody]]''': [[Radical Islam]]: to [[Evangelicalism in the United States|Evangelicals]], this is a bread and butter issue. You said there's a [[Islam in the United States|Muslim problem]] in this country. What do you mean by that exactly? &lt;br&gt; '''Donald Trump''': [[Bill O'Reilly (commentator)|Bill O'Reilly]] asked me is there a Muslim problem? And I said absolutely, yes. In fact I went a step further. I said I didn't see [[Swedes|Swedish people]] [[September 11 attacks|knocking down the World Trade Center]]. It was very interesting. I thought that was going to be a controversial statement and somebody, I think it was [[Dennis Miller]] introduced me, he was doing like an analysis of me, he said, I love it. The guy said what the truth is. He didn't mince his words. He didn't say, 'Oh, gee, no there's not a Muslim problem, everybody's wonderful.' And by the way, many, many, most Muslims are wonderful people, but is there a Muslim problem? Look what's happening. Look what happened right here in my city with the World Trade Center and lots of other places. So I said it and I thought it was going to be very controversial but actually it was very well received. I think people want the truth. I think they're tired of politicians. They're tired of [[politically correct]] stuff. I mean I could have said, 'Oh absolutely not Bill, there's no Muslim problem, everything is wonderful, just forget about the World Trade Center.' But you have to speak the truth. We're so politically correct that this country is falling apart. &lt;br&gt;'''Brody''': With some evangelicals there are some problems with the teachings of the [[Koran]]. Do you have concerns about the Koran? &lt;br&gt; '''Trump''': Well, I'll tell you what. The Koran is very interesting. A lot of people say it [[w:Religious views on love#Islam|teaches love]] and there is a very big group of people who really understand the Koran far better than I do. I'm certainly not an expert, to put it mildly. But there's something there that teaches some very negative vibe. I mean things are happening, when you look at people blowing up all over the streets that are in some of the countries over in the [[Middle East]], just blowing up a super market with not even soldiers, just people, when 250 people die in a super market that are shopping, where people die in a store or in a street. There's a lot of hatred there that's some place. Now I don't know if that's from the Koran. I don't know if that's from some place else. But there's tremendous hatred out there that I've never seen anything like it. So, you have two views. You have the view that the Koran is all about love and then you have the view that the Koran is, that there's a lot of [[w:Violence in the Quran|hate in the Koran]].
** On [[w:CBN News|CBN News]]' &quot;The Brody File&quot; (12 April 2011) ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWzDAvemJG8 video]) ([http://blogs.cbn.com/thebrodyfile/archive/2011/04/12/brody-file-exclusive-donald-trump-says-something-in-koran-teaches.aspx transcript])

* I look very much forward to showing my financials. Because they are huge.
** {{citation
|first=Michael
|last=Scherer
|title=In the presence of Donald Trump
|date=2011-04-11
|journal=Time
|url=http://swampland.time.com/2011/04/14/in-the-presence-of-donald-trump/
|accessdate=2019-10-28}}

* I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Harvard Law School|to Harvard]]? I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.
** Associated Press interview, 2011-04-25
** {{citation
|first=Lucy
|last=Madison
|title=Trump: How did Obama get into the Ivy League?
|date=2011-04-25
|journal=CBS News
|url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20057214-503544.html
|accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/dnCsg|archivedate=2013-06-28}}
** About [[w:Barack Obama#Education|Barack Obama's education]], who graduated from {{w|Columbia University}} in 1983 and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a {{w|Juris doctorate}} from Harvard Law School in 1991

* Today I'm very [[proud]] of myself, because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that our president has finally released a birth certificate. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters, so the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it, why he didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I don't know. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real? Is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored.
** press conference, 2011-04-27
** {{citation
|title=Trump Questions Obama Birth Certificate
|date=2011-04-27
|journal=TMZ
|url=http://www.tmz.com/2011/04/27/donald-trump-barack-obama-birth-certificate-comment-quote/
|accessdate=2011-05-01}}
** Regarding the release of Barack Obama's full birth record from Hawaii that morning

* The word is, according to what I've have read, is that he was a terrible student when he went to [[w:Occidental College|Occidental]]. He then gets to [[w:Columbia_University|Columbia]] and then gets to [[Harvard University|Harvard]]. I heard at Columbia he was not a very good student, and then he then he gets into Harvard. How do you get into Harvard if you are not a good student? Maybe that's right, maybe that's wrong, but I don't know why he doesn't he release his records. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records?
** press conference, New Hampshire, 2011-04-27
** {{citation
|title=Schieffer: Racism underlying Trump's assertions
|date=2011-04-27
|journal=CBS News
|url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20058072-503544.html
|accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/ryIny|archivedate=2013-06-28}}
** About [[Barack Obama]], who transferred to Columbia from Occidental College in 1981, graduated from Columbia in 1983, and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a Juris doctorate from Harvard Law School in 1991

* It's like in [[golf]]. A lot of people — I don't want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a [[Traditionalistic|traditionalist]]. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be [[Homosexuality|gay]], but I am a traditionalist.
**{{citation
|title=After Roasting, Trump Reacts In Character
|date=2011-05-01
|journal=New York Times
|first=Michael
|last=Barbaro
|url=http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/nyregion/after-roasting-trump-reacts-in-character.html
|accessdate=2011-05-06}}
** on his opposition to [[same-sex marriage]]

* I know the [[Chinese people|Chinese]]. I've made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind.
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2011-05-03 |author=Tony Pierce |title=Donald Trump has read a lot of books on China: 'I understand the Chinese mind' |periodical=Los Angeles Times |url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/05/donald-trump-i-understand-the-chinese-mind.html}}, and in {{citation |date=2015-08-24 |author=John Mauldin |title=Playing the Chinese Trump Card |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnmauldin/2015/08/24/playing-the-chinese-trump-card/}}

* I dealt with [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]]. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed,' but I screwed him. That's what we should be doing.
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2015-07-22 |title=Donald Trump: In his own colourful words |periodical=BBC News |url=http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33619045}}

* She's a slob, she talks like a truck driver.
* If I were running my business, I'd fire Rosie, I mean, I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers and say, &quot;Rosie, you're fired.&quot;
** On an interview on why he hates [[Rosie O'Donnell]] (28 August 2011)

* Our president will start a war with [[Iran]] because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.  He is weak and he is ineffective.  So the only way he figures he is going to be reelected and as sure as you are sitting there, is to start a war with Iran.
** A now-deleted video on his YouTube video blog. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |title=Trump repeatedly claimed in 2011 and 2012 that Obama would start a war with Iran to win reelection |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/03/politics/kfile-trump-obama-2012-iran-war-reelection/index.html}}

===2012===
* [[Mitt Romney|Mitt]] is tough. He is smart. He is sharp. He is not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love. So Gov. Romney, go out and get em. You can do it.
** Quoted in {{citation
    | date = 2012-02-02
    | url = http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57370443-503544/trump-endorses-mitt-romney-for-president/
    | author = Corbett B. Daly 
    | title = Trump endorses Mitt Romney for president
    | periodical = CBS News
}}

* No, I've never ''really'' changed. Nothing's ''changed'' my ''mind''. And by the way, you know, you have a huge group of people — I walk down the street, and people are screaming, &quot;Please don't give that up.&quot;  A lot of people are questioning his birth certificate. They're questioning the authenticity of his birth certificate. I've been known as being a very smart guy for a long time. I don't consider myself birther or not birther, but there are some major questions here and the press doesn't wanna cover it. The press just refuses to cover it. Now if that were somebody else, they would be covering it, and they'd be throwing people out of office. But they don't want to cover it. So it's interesting.
** {{citation
 | title = Telephone interview
 | publisher = CNBC
 | date = 2012-05-29
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-29
 | title = Donald Trump Goes On Epic Birther Rant
 | newspaper = {{w|The Huffington Post}}
 | author = Melissa Jeltsen
 | url = http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/29/donald-trump-romney-obama-birther_n_1553074.html
}}

* '''Wolf Blitzer:''' Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' No I think you are, Wolf. Now let me tell you something, I think ''you'' sound ridiculous, and if you'd ask me a question and let me answer it —&lt;br&gt;'''Blitzer:''' Here's the question, did the conspiracy start in 1961 where the [[w:Honolulu Star-Bulletin|''Honolulu Star-Bulletin'']] and the [[w:Honolulu Advertiser|''Honolulu Advertiser'']] contemporaneously published announcements that he was born in [[Hawaii]]?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' That's right. That's right. And many people put those announcements in because they wanted to get the benefit because of getting so-called born in this country. Many people did it. It was something that was done by many people even though they weren't born in the country. You know and so do I... And so do a lot of your viewers. Although you don't have too many viewers.
* '''Donald Trump''' (clip): I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Meredith Vieira''' (clip): You have people now, down there searching—&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Vieira''' (clip): I mean, in Hawaii?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding.&lt;br&gt;'''Wolf Blitzer''': All right, tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii, what they found.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Oh, we don't have to go into old news. That's ''old'' news.&lt;br&gt;'''Blitzer''': Well, what did they find?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': There's been plenty found. You can call many people. You can read many, many articles on the authenticity of the certificate. You can read many articles from just recently as to what the publisher printed in a brochure as to what Obama told him, as to where his place of birth is. And that's fine, Wolf.&lt;br&gt;Now, it's appropriate, I think, that we get to the subject of hand, which is — at hand, which is jobs, which is [[Economy of the United States|the economy]], which is how our country is not doing well at all under this leadership, which is how are we going to do something about energy, which is really that things that I wanted to talk to you about, but you like to keep going back to the place of birth.
** {{citation
 | title = The Situation Room
 | publisher = CNN
 | date = 2012-05-29
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-29
 | title = Wolf Blitzer Spars With Donald Trump Over Obama's Birth Certificate
 | author = Elizabeth Flock
 | newspaper = US News &amp; World Report
 | url = http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2012/05/29/wolf-blitzer-spars-with-donald-trump-over-obamas-birth-certificate
}}
** Referring to a 1991 promotional booklet by literary agency Acton &amp; Dystel with bios of 89 authors, that erroneously described Barack Obama as &quot;born in Kenya&quot;.[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthers/booklet.asp]

*@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
**28 August 2012 [https://archive.md/PtoCf tweet]

* He [Obama] lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a [[revolution]] in this country!
* The phoney [sic] electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!
* More votes equals a loss... revolution!
* This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!
* The [[w:United_States_Electoral_College|electoral college]] is a disaster for a democracy.
** Tweets on November 6 and 7, 2012, some of which were later deleted. Trump falsely believed Barack Obama had lost the popular vote. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/11/15/trumps-flip-flop-on-the-electoral-college-from-disaster-to-genius/ Trump’s flip-flop on the electoral college: From ‘disaster’ to ‘genius’]

* [[Republicans]] didn't have anything going for them with respect to {{w|Latinos}} and with respect to [[Asian people|Asians]]... The [[Democrats]] didn't have a policy for dealing with illegal immigrants, but what they did have going for them is they weren't mean-spirited about it... They didn't know what the policy was, but what they were is they were kind... He had a crazy policy of self deportation which was maniacal... It sounded as bad as it was, and he lost all of the Latino vote... He lost the Asian vote. He lost everybody who is inspired to come into this country... Take care of this incredible problem that we have with respect to [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]], with respect to people wanting to be wonderful productive citizens of this country.
** Interview with Newsmax (November 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2015-07-10|author=Jim Geraghty|title=Trump 2008: Bush Is Evil, Talk to Iran, Obama Cannot Do Worse Than Bush|periodical=National Review|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty}}

*[climate change was] &quot;created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive&quot;
** said in 2012 according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51213003 What does Trump actually believe on climate change?]
*&quot;It doesn't matter who you vote for--it matters who is counting the votes.&quot; Be careful of voter fraud!. Oct 10 2012 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/256063573669855232]

===2013===
* I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high [[Intelligence quotient|IQ]]) with strong common sense.
** &quot;[https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/10/politics/donald-trump-tillerson-iq/index.html Donald Trump's IQ obsession, in 22 quotes]&quot; (April 21, 2021)

* Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure,it's not your fault
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/332308211321425920 Tweet 9 May 2013]

* I keep asking, how long will we go on defending [[South Korea]] from [[North Korea]] without payment? South Korea is a very very rich country. They're rich because of us. They sell us [[Television|televisions]], they sell us cars. They sell us everything. They are making a fortune. We have a huge deficit with South Korea. They're friends of mine. I do deals with them. I've been partners with them, no problem. But they think we're stupid. They can't believe it. We are defending them against North Korea, we're doing it for nothing. We're not in that position. When will they start to pay us for this defense? Isn't it really ridiculous when you think of it? They make a fortune on the United States and then they got some problems, and what happens? They call the United States to defend them, and we get nothing?
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=agk9ZCrYol4 &quot;From the Desk of Donald Trump: South Korea&quot;] ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'' (10 April 2013)

* Must be a pretty picture you dropping to your knees.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7NDpHfXTCI &quot; to Brande Roderick, From The Apprentice, Season 6, Episode 1&quot;] (3 March 2013) &lt;!-- ''YouTube'' --&gt; 

* Leadership: whatever happens, you're responsible. If it doesn't happen, you're responsible.
** [https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/398887965302091776 Tweet (8 November 2013)]

* I do have a relationship and I can tell you that he's very interested in what we're doing here today, he's probably very interested in what you and I are saying today, and I'm sure he is going to be seeing it in some form. But I do have a relationship with him, and I think, er, it's very interesting to see what's happened. I mean, look, he's done a very brilliant job in terms of what he represents and who he's representing, if you look at what he's done with Syria, if you look at so many of the different things, he has really eaten our president's lunch, let's not kid ourselves.
** [http://www.msnbc.com/thomas-roberts/watch/trump-discusses-putin-in-2013-734124099973 Trump responding to a question about whether he had a relationship with Vladimir Putin during an interview with MSNBC's Thomas Roberts while visiting Moscow for the Miss Universe competition] (November 2013)

===2014===
*Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn't feel good and changes - AUTISM. Many such cases!
**Twitter, [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/449525268529815552?lang=en 28 March 2014]

* If this doctor, who so recklessly flew into New York from West Africa, has Ebola,then Obama should apologize to the American people &amp; resign!
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Snopes fact check: Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.? (23 Oct)]

===2015===
====May 2015====
* There is a way of beating [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]] so easily, so quickly, so effectively, and it would be so nice...I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory...the problem is then everybody will take the idea, run with it and then people will forget where it came from...'''I ran it past two or three people. [It's] so simple. It's like the paper clip.'''
** On his plan to defeat ISIS (May 2015)

====June 2015====
* So I said to myself, you know, nobody's ever going to know unless I run, because I'm really proud of my success.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-donald-trump-helped-democrats-pass-obamacare/2015/06/22/002f4c7c-18ea-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html Announcement speech] (June 2015)

* I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
** Campaign launch rally, 15 June 2015

=====[[wikipedia:Donald Trump presidential campaign, 2016#Announcement|Presidential Bid Announcement]] (June 16, 2015)=====
[[File:Donald_Trump_crop_2016.jpeg|thumb|[[Sadly]], the [[American dream]] is [[dead]]. But if I get [[elected]] [[president]], I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make [[America]] [[great]] again.]] 
: &lt;small&gt;At {{w|Trump Tower}}, {{#formatdate:2015-06-16}}, speech announcing his candidacy for U.S. president — {{citation
 | date = June 16, 2015
 | title = Full text: Donald Trump announces a presidential bid
 | author = 
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/06/16/full-text-donald-trump-announces-a-presidential-bid/
}}&lt;/small&gt;
* Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have [[victories]] anymore. We used to have victories, but we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time. When did we beat [[Japan]] at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a [[Chevrolet]] in [[Tokyo]]? It doesn't exist, folks. They beat us all the time. When do we beat [[Mexico]] at the border? They're laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they are beating us [[economically]]. They are not our friend, believe me. But they're killing us economically. The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems.
* '''When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing [[drugs]]. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are [[good]] people.''' But I speak to [[wikipedia:United States Border Patrol|border guards]] and they tell us what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They're sending us not the right people. It's coming from more than Mexico. It's coming from all over [[Latin America|South and Latin America]], and it's coming probably – probably – from the [[Middle East]]. But we don't know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don't know what's happening. And it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast.
* {{w|Islamic terrorism}} is eating up large portions of the Middle East. They've become rich. I'm in competition with them. They just built a hotel in Syria. Can you believe this? They built a hotel. When I have to build a hotel, I pay interest. They don't have to pay interest, because they took the oil that, when we left Iraq, I said we should've taken.
* I love the military, and I want to have the strongest military that we've ever had, and we need it more now than ever. But I said, &quot;Don't hit Iraq,&quot; because you're going to totally destabilize the [[Middle East]]. [[Iran]] is going to take over the Middle East, Iran and somebody else will get the oil, and it turned out that Iran is now taking over Iraq. Think of it. Iran is taking over Iraq, and they're taking it over big league.
* We lost thousands of lives, thousands in [[Iraq War|Iraq]]. We have wounded soldiers, who I love, I love — they're great — all over the place, thousands and thousands of wounded soldiers. And we have nothing. We can't even go there. We have nothing. And every time we give Iraq equipment, the first time a bullet goes off in the air, they leave it.
* Last quarter, it was just announced our [[Gross Domestic Product|gross domestic product]] — a sign of [[strength]], right? But not for us. It was below zero. Whoever heard of this? It's never below zero.
* A lot of people up there can't get jobs. They can't get jobs, because there are no jobs, because China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. They all have jobs.
* Our [[enemies]] are getting stronger and stronger by the way, and we as a country are getting [[weaker]]. Even our [[nuclear arsenal]] doesn't work. It came out recently they have equipment that is 30 years old. They don't know if it worked. And I thought it was horrible when it was broadcast on television, because boy, does that send signals to [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] and all of the other people that look at us and they say, &quot;That is a group of people, and that is a nation that truly has no clue. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're doing.&quot;
* We have a disaster called the big lie: {{w|Obamacare}}. ... We have to repeal Obamacare, and it can be — and — and it can be replaced with something much better for everybody. Let it be for everybody. But much better and much less expensive for people and for the [[government]]. And we can do it.
* Remember the [[w:HealthCare.gov|$5 billion Web site]]? $5 billion we spent on a [[Internet|Web site]], and to this day it doesn't work. A $5 billion Web site. I have so many Web sites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a Web site. It costs me $3.
* I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. And people are saying, &quot;What's going on? I just want a job. Just get me a job. I don't need the rhetoric. I want a job.&quot;
* Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I'd say, you what, if he wants to — I have one right next to the White House, right on the Potomac. If he'd like to play, that's fine. In fact, I'd love him to leave early and play, that would be a very good thing.
* I've watched the politicians. I've dealt with them all my life. If you can't make a good deal with a politician, then there's something wrong with you. You're certainly not very good. And that's what we have representing us. They will never make America great again. They don't even have a chance. They're controlled fully — they're controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the special interests, fully.
* I have lobbyists. I have to tell you. I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They're great. But you know what? it won't happen. It won't happen. Because we have to stop doing things for some people, but for this country, it's destroying our country. We have to stop, and it has to stop now.
* Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. We need a leader that wrote &quot;[[wikipedia:Trump: The Art of the Deal|The Art of the Deal]].&quot; We need a leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can bring back our military, can take care of our vets. Our vets have been abandoned. And we also need a cheerleader. ... We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It's not great again.
* He (Barack Obama) was vibrant. He was young. I really thought that he would be a great cheerleader. ... But he wasn't a cheerleader. He's actually a negative force. He's been a negative force. He wasn't a cheerleader; he was the opposite.
* We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It's not great again.
* We need -- we need somebody -- we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that.
* You know, all of my life, I've heard that a truly successful person, a really, really successful person and even modestly successful cannot run for public office. Just can't happen. And yet that's the kind of mindset that you need to make this country great again.
* So, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again!
* We have people that aren't working. We have people that have no incentive to work. But they're going to have incentive to work, because the greatest social program is a job. And they'll be proud, and they'll love it, and they'll make much more than they would've ever made, and they'll be — they'll be doing so well, and we're going to be thriving as a country, thriving. It can happen. I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.
* We owe China $1.3 trillion. We owe Japan more than that. So they come in, they take our jobs, they take our money, and then they loan us back the money, and we pay them in interest, and then the dollar goes up so their deal's even better. How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians to allow this to happen? How stupid are they?
* I'm totally against the trade bill for a number of reasons. Number one, the people negotiating don't have a clue. Our president doesn't have a clue. He's a bad negotiator. He's the one that did [[Bowe Bergdahl|Bergdahl]]. We get Bergdahl, they get five killer terrorists that everybody wanted over there. We get Bergdahl. We get a [[traitor]]. We get a no-good traitor, and they get the five people that they wanted for years, and those people are now back on the battlefield trying to kill us. That's the negotiator we have.
* [[Israel]] maybe won't exist very long. It's a disaster, and we have to protect Israel.
* I'm a [[Free trade|free trader]]. But the problem with free trade is you need really [[Talent|talented]] people to negotiate for you. If you don't have talented people, if you don't have great leadership, if you don't have people that know business, not just a political hack that got the job because he made a contribution to a campaign, which is the way all jobs, just about, are gotten, free trade terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren't smart. And we have people that are controlled by special interests. And it's just not going to work.
* I love China. The [[w:Bank of China|biggest bank in the world]] is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower. I love China. People say, &quot;Oh, you don't like China?&quot; No, I love them. But their leaders are much smarter than our leaders, and we can't sustain ourself with that.
* We have all the cards, but we don't know how to use them. We don't even know that we have the cards, because our leaders don't understand the game. We could turn off that spigot by charging them tax until they behave properly.
* You have a problem with [[Islamic State|ISIS]]. You have a bigger problem with China. And, in my opinion, the new China, believe it or not, in terms of trade, is Mexico.
* I know the smartest negotiators in the world. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the overrated ones.
* I love the [[Saudis]]. Many are in this building. They make a billion dollars a day. Whenever they have problems, we send over the ships. We say &quot;we're gonna protect.&quot; What are we doing? They've got nothing but money.
* Saudi Arabia without us is gone. They're gone.
* All of these politicians that I'm running against now, they're trying to disassociate. I mean, you looked at Bush, it took him five days to answer the question on Iraq. He couldn't answer the question. He didn't know. I said, &quot;Is he [[intelligent]]?&quot; Then I looked at [[Marco Rubio|Rubio]]. He was unable to answer the question, is Iraq a good thing or bad thing? He didn't know. He couldn't answer the [[question]]. How are these people gonna lead us? How are we gonna — how are we gonna go back and make it great again? We can't. They don't have a clue. They can't lead us. They can't. They can't even answer simple questions. It was terrible.
* [[Saudi Arabia]] is in big, big trouble. Now, thanks to [[W;Fracking|fracking]] and other things, the oil is all over the place. And I used to say it, there are ships at sea, and this was during the worst crisis, that were loaded up with oil, and the cartel kept the price up, because, again, they were smarter than our leaders. They were smarter than our leaders.
* I think I am a nice person. People that know me, like me. Does my [[family]] like me? I think so, right. Look at my family. I'm proud of my family.
* This is going to be an election that's based on competence, because people are tired of these nice people. And they're tired of being ripped off by everybody in the world. And they're tired of spending more money on education than any nation in the world per capita, than any nation in the world, and we are 26th in the world, 25 countries are better than us in education. And some of them are like third world countries. But we're becoming a third word country, because of our infrastructure, our airports, our roads, everything. So one of the things I did, and I said, you know what I'll do. I'll do it. Because a lot of people said, &quot;He'll never run. Number one, he won't want to give up his lifestyle.&quot; They're right about that, but I'm doing it.
* We have losers. We have people that don't have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain.
* I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.
* I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won't be using a man like Secretary [[John Kerry|Kerry]] that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who's making a horrible and laughable deal, who's just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won't be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.
* Fully support and back up the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|Second Amendment]].
* Bush is totally in favor of [[wikipedia:Common Core State Standards Initiative|Common Core]]. I don't see how he can possibly get the nomination. He's weak on immigration. He's in favor of Common Core. How the hell can you vote for this guy? You just can't do it. We have to end — education has to be local.
* Rebuild the country's infrastructure. Nobody can do that like me. Believe me. It will be done on time, on budget, way below cost, way below what anyone ever thought. I look at the roads being built all over the country, and I say I can build those things for one-third. What they do is unbelievable, how bad.
* Save {{w|Medicare}}, {{w|Medicaid}} and [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] without cuts. Have to do it. Get rid of the [[fraud]]. Get rid of the waste and abuse, but save it. People have been paying it for years. And now many of these candidates want to cut it. You save it by making the United States, by making us rich again, by taking back all of the money that's being lost.
* We're in a [[wikipedia:Economic bubble|bubble]]. We have artificially low interest rates. We have a stock market that, frankly, has been good to me, but I still hate to see what's happening. We have a stock market that is so bloated. Be careful of a bubble because what you've seen in the past might be small potatoes compared to what happens. So be very, very careful.
* Sadly, the American dream is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again.

====July 2015====
* '''Donald Trump''': Oh, well, if you look at the statistics, of people coming— I didn't say about Mexic— I say the ''[[illegal immigrants]]''— if you look at the statistics on [[rape]], on [[crime]], on everything, coming in illegally into this country, they're mind-boggling. If you go to [[w:Fusion News|Fusion]], you will see a story about 80% of the women coming in– I mean, you have to take a look at these stories. And you know who owns Fusion? [[w:Univision|Univision]]. It was in ''[[w:The Huffington Post|The Huffington Post]]''. I said, let me get some of these articles because I've heard some horrible things. I deal&lt;!--sic--&gt; a lot of talking with people on the border patrol. They're incredible people. They help our country.&lt;br&gt;'''Don Lemon''': But I want some clarification–&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': No, but Don, all you have to do is go to Fusion and pick up the stories on ''rape'', and it's unbelievable when you look at what's going on. So all I'm doing is telling the truth.&lt;br&gt;'''Lemon''': I've read ''The Washington Post'', I read the Fusion, I read ''The Huffington Post''. And that's about women ''being'' raped, it's not about criminals coming across the border entering the country.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Somebody's doing the raping, Don, I mean, you know– I mean, somebody's doing it. You think it's women being raped, well who's doing the raping? Who's doing the raping? I mean how can you say such a thing. So, the problem is you have to stop illegal immigration coming across the border. You have to create a strong border. If you don't, we don't have a country.
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-01
 | title = The Situation Room
 | medium = TV
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/01/politics/donald-trump-immigrants-raping-comments/
}}

[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg|thumb|I can't apologize for the truth.]]
* '''I can never apologize for the truth. I don't mind apologizing for things but I can't apologize for the truth.'''
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-02
 | title = TRUMP: 'I use the word rape and all of a sudden everyone goes crazy'
 | author = 
 | newspaper = finance.yahoo.com
 | url = https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-word-rape-sudden-everyone-172614480.html
}}

* I didn't know it was going to be this severe.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-04
 | title = Trump stands by statements on Mexican illegal immigrants, surprised by backlash
 | author = 
 | newspaper = FoxNews.com
 | url = http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/07/04/trump-stands-by-views-dangerous-mexican-illegal-immigrants-admits-surprised-by/
}}

* I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know why he wouldn't release his records.
** When asked whether he thought [[Barack Obama]] was born in the U.S. — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-10
 | title = Trump: I'm still a birther
 | author = Nick Gass
 | newspaper = Politico
 | url = http://www.politico.com/story/2015/07/donald-trump-birther-obama-119945.html?hp=l2_4&amp;cmpid=sf
}}

* The {{w|silent majority}} is back, and we're going to take the country back.
** Speech at a packed Phoenix Convention Cente, as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-12
 | title = Trump: 'We're Going to Take the Country Back'
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/12/donald-trump-phoenix-speech-were-going-take-country-back
}}

*The Obama Administration's agreement with Iran is very dangerous. Iran developing a nuclear weapon, either through uranium or nuclear fuel, and defying the world is still a very real possibility. The inspections will not be followed, and Iran will no longer have any sanctions. Iran gets everything and loses nothing. Every promise the Obama Administration made in the beginning of negotiations, including the vow (made at the beginning of the negotiations) to get our great American prisoners returned to the U. S. has been broken. This is a bad deal that sets a dangerous precedent. This deal sets off a nuclear arms race in the Middle East, which is the most-unstable region in the world. It is a horrible and perhaps catastrophic event for [[Israel]]. Furthermore, we should have kept the billions of dollars we have agreed to pay them. Any great dealmaker would know this is a perfect example of &quot;tapping along&quot; and because they have been unchecked for so long throughout this extremely lengthy process, I guarantee they are much closer to producing a nuclear weapon than they were at the start of negotiations. The fact is, the US has incompetent leaders and even more incompetent negotiators. We must do better for America and the world. We have to [[Make America Great Again]].
**[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-donald-j-trump-the-iran-agreement Statement by Donald J. Trump on the Iran Agreement], ''American Presidency Project'', 14 July 2015

* And I had an idea recently. When they send illegals into our country, we charge Mexico $100,000 for every illegal that crosses that border because it's trouble.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-15
 | title = Fox News &quot;Hannity&quot;- Transcript: Trump On El Chappo And Undocumented Immigration
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://votesmart.org/public-statement/1113598/fox-news-hannity-transcript-trump-on-el-chappo-and-undocumented-immigration#.XxcUdZMzbOQ
}}

* It's going to get worse in our country and we better start fighting a lot tougher than we're fighting right now.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-16
 | title = Trump: 'Absolutely Ridiculous' Marines Not Allowed to Carry Guns at Centers
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/16/donald-trump-reacts-chattanooga-shootings-oreilly-factor
}}

* '''Donald Trump:''' 15,000 people showed up to hear me speak. Bigger than anybody and everybody knows it. A beautiful day with incredible people that were wonderful, great Americans, I will tell you. [[John McCain]] goes, &quot;Oh, boy, Trump makes my job difficult. He had 15,000 ''crazies'' show up.&quot; Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they weren't crazy. They were great Americans. These people— if you would have seen these people— you— I know what a crazy is. I know all about crazies. These weren't crazy. So he insulted me and he insulted everybody in that room...&lt;br&gt;'''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.&lt;br&gt;'''Luntz:''' Do you agree with that?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured, OK? You can have— and I believe— perhaps he's a war hero, but— but right now he said some very bad things about a lot of people.
** Family Leadership Summit 2015, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-18
 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured'
 | author = Harriet Alexander
 | newspaper = The Telegraph
 | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html
}}

* I see [[Rick Perry]] the other day. ... He's doing very poorly in the polls. He put on glasses so people will think he's smart. And it just doesn't work! You know people can see through the glasses!
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-21
 | title = Trump Campaign Statement on Rick Perry
 | author =
 | newspaper = NPR
 | url = http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2015/07/21/424994751/the-best-insults-of-the-trump-kickoff-speech
}}

* But you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-21
 | title = Speech in Sun City, South Carolina
 | author =
 | newspaper = Slate
 | url = http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2015/07/31/donald_trump_this_run_on_sentence_from_a_speech_in_sun_city_south_carolina.html
}}

* If you can't get rich dealing with politicians, there's something wrong with you.
** [http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/07/donald-trump-campaign-speech-lindsey-graham Campaign Rally in South Carolina]
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImhJ2sFBJmA YouTube]&lt;!--[Has to add exactly minute and second in this video]--&gt;

* I'm a Republican, I'm a conservative, I'm in first place, I want to run as a Republican and I think I'll get the nomination... [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Hillary Clinton]]] is easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of the country. She's going to be beaten and I'm the one to beat her.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-23
 | title = Donald Trump tours Mexican border with Texas
 | author = 
 | newspaper = BBC
 | url = http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33645971
}}

* '''Jose Diaz-Balart:''' Mr. Trump, you know 53,000 [[w:Hispanic-American|Hispanics]] turn 18 years of age in this country every month, born in the country of voting age. 54 million plus Hispanics — many feel that what you said when you said that the people who cross the border are rapists and murderers—&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' No, no, no! We're talking about [[w:Illegal immigration in the United States|illegal immigration]] and everybody understands that. And you know what? That's a typical case. That's a typical case of the press with misinterpretation. They take a half a sentence, they take a half a sentence, then they take quarter of a sentence and put it all together. It's a typical thing...&lt;br&gt;'''Diaz-Balart:''' I'm not finished with my question.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' No, no! You're finished!
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-07-23
 | title = Crowd Erupts in Applause at How Donald Trump Handles MSNBC Host at Presser: 'You're Finished!'
 | author = Oliver Darcy
 | newspaper = TheBlaze
 | url = http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/07/23/crowd-erupts-in-applause-at-how-donald-trump-handles-msnbc-host-at-presser-youre-finished/
}}

* I think that I would be a great uniter. I think that I would have great diplomatic skills. I think that I would be able to get along with people very well. I've had a great success in my life. I think the world would unite if I were the leader of the United States.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-30
 | title = Trump: 'World would unite if I were the leader'
 | author = Jesse Byrnes
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/249875-trump-world-would-unite-if-i-were-the-leader
}}

====August 2015====
[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpg|thumb|I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.]]
* I think the big problem this country has is being [[Political correctness|politically correct]].
** Republican Presidential Debate 2015 — {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-06
 | title = Annotated transcript: The Aug. 6 GOP debate
 | author = 
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/08/06/annotated-transcript-the-aug-6-gop-debate/
}}

* You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2015/08/08/politics/donald-trump-cnn-megyn-kelly-comment/ On Megyn Kelly] (7 August 2015)

* I cherish women. I want to help women. I'm going to do things for women that no other candidate will be able to do.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-09
 | title = 12 times Donald Trump declared his 'respect' for women
 | author = Gregoy Krieg
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/donald-trump-respect-women/index.html
}}

* I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help women.
** ''Face the Nation'', 9 August 2015

*I think there has to be a trust. There actually has to be a trust. If you don't trust, you're not going to do very well.
**In response to a reporter's line of questioning on what his specific plans will be to achieve the goals of his campaign. [http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/melanie-hunter/trump-specifics-his-proposals-trust-me &quot;Trump on Specifics of His Proposals: ‘Trust Me'&quot;] (12 August 2015), by Melanie Hunter

* We have to keep the families together, but they have to go. What if they have no place to go?
** During the [[w:Iowa State Fair|Iowa State Fair]] (2015 August 15)

* You know, when you put out policy, like a 14-point plan? A lot of times in the first hour of negotiation, that 14-point plan goes astray, but you may end up with a better deal. That's the way it works. That's the way really life works. When I do a deal, I don't say, &quot;Oh, here's 14 points.&quot; I got out and do it. I don't sit down and talk about 14 points.
** Appearance at Iowa State Fair - {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-15
 | title = Donald Trump's surprisingly savvy analysis of American politics
 | author =
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url= http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/08/16/donald-trumps-surprisingly-savvy-comment-about-american-politics/
}} {{Paywalled source}}

* Hillary Clinton was the worst [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] in the history of the country. The world came apart under her reign... I will be the one to beat Hillary.
**{{citation
 | date = 2015-08-20
 | title = Donald Trump Explains All
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/
}}

* If you start adding it up, our real unemployment rate is 42%.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-20
 | title = Donald Trump Explains All
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/
}}. For a discussion of this figure, see [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/upshot/the-real-jobless-rate-is-42-percent-donald-trump-has-a-point-sort-of.html &quot;The Real Jobless Rate Is 42 Percent? Donald Trump Has a Point, Sort Of&quot;] by Neil Irwin, ''The New York Times'' (10 February 2016).

* You've seen my statements, I do very well, I don't mind paying some taxes. The [[w:Middle class|middle class]] is getting clobbered in this country. You know the middle class built this country, not the hedge fund guys, but I know people in hedge funds that pay almost nothing and it's ridiculous.
** Interview on [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]]'s ''With All Due Respect'' — {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-26
 | title = Donald Trump Says He Wants to Raise Taxes on Himself
 | author = David Knowles
 | newspaper = Bloomberg
 | url = http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2015-08-26/donald-trump-says-he-wants-to-raise-taxes-on-himself
}}

* I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.
** Interview with [[w:Chris Cuomo|Chris Cuomo]]{{citation
| date = 2015-08-11
| title =  Donald Trump: ‘I keep whining and whining until I win’ 
| author = Jeremy Diamond
| newspaper = CNN
| url = https://www.cnn.com/2015/08/11/politics/donald-trump-refutes-third-party-run-report/index.html}}

====September 2015====
* We're a nation that speaks English. I think that, while we're in this nation, we should be speaking English... that's how we assimilate.
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-03
 | title = Donald Trump: &quot;While We're in This Nation, We Should Be Speaking English&quot;
 | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter
 | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/donald-trump-speak-english-spanish-820215
}}

* &quot;''Look'' at that face! [of [[Carly Fiorina]]] Would anyone ''vote'' for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next ''president''?!&quot;
** {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-09
 | title = Trump Seriously: On the Trail With the GOP's Tough Guy
 | newspaper = Rolling Stone
 | url = http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/trump-seriously-20150909
}}

* The fact is all lives matter. That includes black, and it includes white, and it includes everybody else. And we have... Democrats that are afraid to even say that.
** As quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-09
 | title = Donald Trump trashes Black Lives Matter: 'I think they're trouble'
 | author = Colin Campbell
 | newspaper = Business Insider
 | url = http://uk.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-black-lives-matter-2015-9?r=US&amp;IR=T
}}

* This is a country where we speak English, not Spanish.
** Criticizing Jeb Bush for speaking Spanish on the campaign trail during a Republican Presidential Debate on CNN (16 September 2015)

* '''Audience member''': We have a problem in this country, it's called Muslims. Our current President is one. We know he's not even an American. We have training camps growing where they want to kill us. That's my question, when can we get rid of them? &lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': We're going to be looking at a lot of different things. A lot of people are saying that and a lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there. We're going to be looking at that and a lot of different things.
** At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-17
 | title = Here's How Donald Trump Responded to a Person Saying President Obama is Muslim
 | author = Maya Rhodan
 | newspaper = Time
 | url = http://time.com/4039658/trump-obama-muslim/
}}

* Am I morally obligated to defend the president every time somebody says something bad or controversial about him? I don't think so!
* This is the first time in my life that I have caused controversy by NOT saying something.
** Tweets — quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-20
 | title = Trump defend Obama? 'I don't think so!'
 | author = Doina Chiacu
 | newspaper = Reuters
 | url = http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/20/us-usa-election-trump-idUSKCN0RJ0KT20150920
}}

* You can be politically correct if you want, but are you trying to say we don't have a problem? ... Most Muslims, like most everything, I mean, these are fabulous people... But we certainly do have a problem, I mean, you have a problem throughout the world. ... It wasn't people from Sweden that blew up the World Trade Center.
** On CNN's &quot;State of the Union&quot; with Jake Tapper — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-20
 | title = Trump: 'We certainly do have a problem' with some Muslims
 | author = Timothy Cama
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/254307-trump-we-certainly-do-have-a-problem-with-some-muslims
}}

* The first thing I'd do in my first day as president is close up our borders so that illegal immigrants cannot come into our country.
** Twitter question and answer session from Twitter's New York office — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-09-21
 | title = Trump: I'll close US borders 'in my first day'
 | author = Jesse Byrnes
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/254391-trump-ill-close-us-borders-in-my-first-day
}}

* You ever see guys with nothing on their desk? They always fail. I don't know what it is. I've seen it for years.
** Explaining his messy desk, ''The New York Times Magazine'' interview. {{citation
 | date=2015-09-21
 | title=Donald Trump is not going anywhere
 | author = Mark Leibovich
 | newspaper = The New York Times Magazine
 | url = http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html
}}

* Why aren't we letting ISIS go and fight Assad and then we pick up the remnants?
** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-60-minutes-scott-pelley/ Interview in ''60 Minutes''], 2015-09-27
** Cited by [[Mitt Romney]] in [http://uk.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-donald-trump-isis-60-minutes-ridiculous-2016-3?r=US&amp;IR=T ''Business Insider''], 2016-03-03

* I will tell you in terms of leadership he is getting an 'A,' and our president is not doing so well. They did not look good together.
** {{citation |date=2015-09-30 |author=Reena Flores |title=Donald Trump gives Russia's Putin an 'A' in leadership |periodical=CBS News |url=https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-gives-russias-putin-an-a-in-leadership/}}

====October 2015====
*All my friends who work out all the time, they’re going for knee replacements, hip replacements — they’re a disaster
**4 October 2015 interview with [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html New York Times]

* I've always said, if you run for president, you shouldn't be allowed to use teleprompters. Because you don't even know if the guy is smart.
** Norcross, Georgia, {{#formatdate:2015-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-07-21 |title=Teleprompter Trump: the right temperament or low-energy Donald? |author=Joe Concha |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/288626-teleprompter-trump-the-right-temperament-or-low}}

* He was such a nice guy. And he said, Oh, I'm never going to attack. But then his poll numbers tanked. He's got -- that's why he's on the end -- and he got nasty. And he got nasty. So you know what? You can have him.
** Response to [[John Kasich]] {{citation
| date=2015-10-28
|title= CNBC Republican debate transcript
|newspaper = CNBC
|url = http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/29/cnbc-full-transcript-cnbcs-your-money-your-vote-the-republican-presidential-debate-part-2.html
}} 

====November 2015====
* '''Trump''': I'm Donald Trump, and I'm running for president. Our country is in deep trouble because let's face it: politics are all talk and no action. My opponents have no experience in creating jobs or making deals. The fact is, I'm going to make the greatest trade deals we've ever made in our country. And I'm going to bring jobs and money back to the United States. I'll take care of our veterans and make our military so strong that nobody will ever mess with us. I'll secure our borders, and yes, we will have a wall. You can't have a country without borders. [[w:Affordable Care Act|Obamacare]] is a great plan . It will be repealed and replaced with something much better. If the people of Iowa vote for me, you'll never be disappointed. I don't disappoint people, I produce. Together, we're going to [[w:Make America Great Again|Make America Great Again]]. I'm Donald Trump, candidate for president, and I hate this message.&lt;br&gt;'''Female V/O''': Paid for by Donald J. Trump for President, Inc.
** Radio ad aired in Iowa (5 November 2015)

* You're going to have a deportation force, and you're going to do it humanely and you're going to bring the country -- and, frankly, the people, because you have some excellent, wonderful people, some fantastic people hat have been here for a long period of time. Don't forget, Mika, that you have millions of people that are waiting in line to come into this country and they're waiting to come in legally. And I always say the wall, we're going to build the wall. It's going to be a real deal. It's going to be a real wall. There was a picture in one of the magazines where they had a wall this tall and they were taking drugs over the wall. They built a ramp over the wall and the truck was going up and down. They were using it like a highway; the wall is like a highway. It's not going to happen. It's going to be a Trump wall. It's going to be a real wall. And it's going to stop people and it's going to be good. But your friend [[Thomas Friedman]] called me and said, hah, there should be a big door. I said going to be a big door. I love the expression. There's going to be a big beautiful nice door. People are going to come in and they're going to come in legally. But we have no choice. Otherwise, we don't have a country. We don't even know how many people. We don't know if it's 8 million or if it's 20 million. We have no idea how many people are in our country. And then you see what happened with Kate in San Francisco. You see what happens with all of the things going on, all of the tremendous crime going on. It costs us $200 billion a year for illegal immigration right now. $200 billion a year, maybe $250, maybe $300. They don't even know. We're going to stop it. We're going to run it properly and we're going to stop it.
** On his immigration plan (2015 November 11)

* Watch and study the [[Mosque|mosques]], because a lot of talk is going on at the mosques.
** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/16/politics/donald-trump-paris-attacks-close-mosques/index.html &quot;Donald Trump: 'Strongly consider' shutting mosques&quot;] (16 November 2015), by Gregory Krieg, ''CNN'' (2015), Atlanta, Georgia: Cable News Network.

* [When the government says] 'everybody gets equal pay,' you get away from the whole [[American Dream]].
** An unequal answer about equal pay (19 November 2015)

* I would certainly implement that. Absolutely... There should be a lot of systems, beyond databases. We should have a lot of systems... They have to be. They have to be... It's all about management.
** As quoted in [http://www.people.com/article/donald-trump-muslim-database-syrian-refugees &quot;Donald Trump Says He Supports a Database and ID Cards to Track Muslims in the U.S.: 'We're Going to Have to Look at the Mosques'&quot;] (20 November 2015), by Char Adams, ''People''.

* Somebody said I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.
** Quoted by {{citation
| date=2015-11-20
|title= Trump says he’s the Hemingway of Twitter
|newspaper = The Hill
| author = Bradford Richardson
|url = https://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/260949-trump-says-hes-the-hemingway-of-twitter
}} 

* Get him the hell out of here.
** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-supporters-black-lives-matter-protester-clash-at-rally/ &quot;Trump supporters, Black Lives Matter protester clash at rally&quot;] (21 November 2015), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc.

*I watched when the World Trade Center came tumbling down. And I watched in [[w:Jersey City, New Jersey|Jersey City, N.J.]], where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. Thousands of people were cheering.&lt;br&gt;It was on television. I saw it. It was well covered at the time, George. Now, I know they don't like to talk about it, but it was well covered at the time. There were people over in [[New Jersey]] that were watching it, a heavy Arab population, that were cheering as the buildings came down. Not good.
**21 November 2015 speech in [[w:Birmingham, Alabama|Birmingham, Alabama]], then next-day reply to [[George Stephanopoulos]], according to [https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/nov/22/donald-trump/fact-checking-trumps-claim-thousands-new-jersey-ch/ 22 November 2015 PolitiFact article]

* Written by a nice reporter. Now the poor guy - you ought to see the guy: ‘Uhh I don't know what I said. I don't remember!' He's going, ‘I don't remember! Maybe that's what I said.'
** As quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX9reO3QnUA&amp;t=15 &quot;Trump mocks reporter with disability&quot;] (25 November 2015 by CNN) and [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/donald-trump/12019097/Donald-Trump-accused-of-mocking-disabled-reporter.html &quot;Donald Trump accused of mocking disabled reporter&quot;] (26 November 2015), by Rob Crilly regarding [[Serge Kovaleski]]

=====''[[wikipedia:Crippled America|Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again]]'' (November 2015)=====
:published 3 November 2015

* The enthusiasm was based on pure love and love of what we were doing.
** Preface, p. xiv

* The fact is I give people what they need and deserve to hear - exactly what they don't get from politicians - and that is The Truth. Our country is a mess right now and we don't have time to pretend otherwise. We don't have time to waste on being politically correct.
** p. 8

* I use the media the way the media uses me—to attract attention. Once I have that attention, it's up to me to use it to my advantage.
** p. 10

* I've seen these so-called journalists flat-out lie. I say that because incompetence doesn't begin to explain the inaccurate stories they have written.
** p. 12

* Our country, our people, and our laws have to be our top priority.
** p. 30

* Citizenship is not a gift we can afford to keep giving away.
** p. 28

* I want good people to come here from all over the world, but I want them to do so legally. We can expedite the process, we can reward achievement and excellence, but we have to respect the legal process. And those people who take advantage of the system and come here illegally should never enjoy the benefits of being a resident--or citizen--of this nation. So I am against any path to citizenship for undocumented workers or anyone else who is in this country illegaly. They should--and need to--go home and get in line.
** p. 30

* Depending on the price of oil, Saudi Arabia earns somewhere between half a billion and a billion dollars every day. They wouldn't exist, let alone have that wealth, without our protection. We get nothing from them. Nothing. We defend Germany. We defend Japan. We defend South Korea. These are powerful and wealthy countries. We get nothing from them. It's time to change all that. It's time to win again.
** p. 34

* When Kuwait was attacked by Saddam Hussein, all the wealthy Kuwaitis ran to Paris. They didn't just rent suites—they took up whole buildings, entire hotels. They lived like kings while their country was occupied. Who did they turn to for help? Who else? Uncle Sucker. That's us.
** p. 34

* We can't be afraid to use our military, but sending our sons and daughters should be the very last resort. I've seen what wars do to our kids. I've seen their broken bodies, know all about the horrors that live in their heads, and the enormous effects of trauma. We cannot commit American troops to battle without a real and tangible objective.
** p. 35

* To me, for politicians to claim that we have an answer to every problem is silly. When you listen to some politicians reeling off their prepared answers, you almost fall for it. They're all experts. But nothing ever happens.
** p. 73

* I manage to blast through the ridiculous liberal bias of the media and speak right to the hearts of the people - or at least I try.
** p. 80

* It's not just jobs that are being lost to other countries. We are seeing whole industries vanish overseas.
** p. 85

* A great leader has to be flexible, holding his ground on the major principles but finding room for compromises that can bring people together. A great leader has to be savvy at negotiations so we don't drown every bill in pork barrel bridges to nowhere. I know how to stand my ground — but I also know that Republicans and Democrats need to find common ground to stand on as well.
** p. 96

* We look at politicians and think: This one's owned by this millionaire. That one's owned by that millionaire, or lobbyist, or special interest group. Me? I speak for the people. So the establishment attacks me. They can't own me, they can't dictate to me, so they search for ways to dismiss me.
** p. 97

====December 2015====
* My policy has always been the same. We're fighting ISIS and Assad is fighting ISIS, but we're backing rebels to fight [[w:Bashar al-Assad|Assad]]. You can't fight everybody, you have to pick who you want to fight. And now you've got [[Turkey]], who like ISIS more than they like others, no one really knows because we don't have people that know what they're doing. So in my opinion, you go along, and [[Russia]] does not like ISIS, and people are starting to find out. I mean in all fairness lost an airplane, got blew out of the air. So Russia is not a fan of ISIS. Russia is bombing the hell out of them, starting to bomb them. I say isis is our number one threat. We can't be fighting everybody at the same time. ISIS is our number one threat. I would bomb the hell out of them -- I like to do one thing at a time. I would knock the hell out of ISIS. I would hit them ... so hard like they've never been hit before.
** In an interview with ''{{w|Fox &amp; Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015)

* They're using them as shields. It's a horrible thing. They're using them as shields. But we're fighting a very politically correct war. And the other thing is with the terrorists. You have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives. Don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families.
** When asked how he would deal with civilian casualties. In an interview with ''{{w|Fox &amp; Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015)

* If you're in the [[w:White House|White House]], who wants to take a vacation?  You're in the White House!… What's better than the White House?  Why these vacations? 
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] December 5, 2015 rally

* Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on... According to Pew Research, among others, there is great hatred towards Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. Most recently, a poll from the [[w:Center for Security Policy|Center for Security Policy]] released data showing &quot;25% of those polled agreed that violence against Americans here in the United States is justified as a part of the global jihad&quot; and 51% of those polled, &quot;agreed that Muslims in America should have the choice of being governed according to [[Sharia|Shariah]].&quot; Shariah authorizes such atrocities as murder against non-believers who won't convert, beheadings and more unthinkable acts that pose great harm to Americans, especially women.
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/donald-j.-trump-statement-on-preventing-muslim-immigration Statement on Preventing Muslim Immigration] (December 7, 2015) archived [https://archive.ph/TK7qR here]

* We are losing a lot of people to the Internet. We have to do something. We have to go see [[Bill Gates]] and a lot of different people that really understand what's happening. We have to talk to them [about], maybe in certain areas, closing that Internet up in some way. '''Some people will say, ‘[[Freedom of speech]], Freedom of speech'. These are foolish people.'''
** [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/dec/08/googles-eric-schmidt-spell-checkers-hate-harassment-terrorism Google's Eric Schmidt calls for 'spell-checkers for hate and harassment'], 8 December 2015, by Alex Hern.

* We have places in [[London]] and other places that are so radicalised that the [[police]] are afraid for their own lives. We have to be very smart and very vigilant.
** As quoted in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-claims-parts-of-london-are-so-radicalised-police-officers-are-afraid-for-their-lives-a6765026.html &quot;Donald Trump claims parts of London are 'so radicalised' police officers are 'afraid for their lives'&quot;] by Rose Troup Buchanan, ''[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]'' (8 December 2015); also in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3352406/Scotland-Yard-mocks-Trump-s-claims-London-police-terrified-Muslim-areas-officers-claim-tycoon-RIGHT.html &quot;'Trump's not wrong – we can't wear uniform in our OWN cars': Five police officers claim Donald Trump is RIGHT about parts of London being so 'radicalised' they are no-go areas&quot;] by Martin Robinson, ''Daily Mail Online'' (9 December 2015)

* These are people that are outside the country, so we're really not talking about the [[U.S. Constitution|Constitution]]. And it's not about religion. This is about safety. This has nothing to do with religion. It's about safety.
** Interview on ABC's &quot;Life with Kelly and Michael&quot;, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/262615-trump-muslim-ban-not-about-religion &quot;Trump: Muslim ban 'not about religion'&quot;] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015)

* We're doing really well with the [[Evangelicalism in the United States|evangelicals]], and, by the way: And again, I do like [[Ted Cruz]] -- but not a lot of [[Evangelicalism|evangelicals]] come out of [[Cuba]], in all fairness. It's true. Not a lot come out. But I like him nevertheless. But I think we're going to do great, and we are doing great with evangelicals.&lt;br&gt;I'm with you. I'm with everybody. I'm with everybody, look, I'm self-funding. I have no oil company. I have no special [[interest]]. I have no lobbyists.&lt;br&gt;Well look he's from [[Texas]] -- to the best of my knowledge, there's a lot of oil in Texas, right? So, he gets a lot of money from the oil companies, and he's against ethanol and everything you're else talking about. And I'm not I'm totally in favor. And you know it's a big industry here, it's a big industry. You know if that industry is upset Iowa's got problems.&lt;br&gt;I really do, I like Ted Cruz a lot, I would say that we would certainly have things in mind for Ted, to be honest with you. I mean, he's somebody that I could certainly say that [about] because I like him.
**11 December 2015 during a rally in Iowa, according to [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/12/11/donald-trump-questions-ted-cruzs-ties-to-major-oil-companies/ Washington Post article] by Jenna Johnson, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/in-iowa-donald-trump-hits-ted-cruz-on-ethanol-and-religion/ CBS News article] by Kylie Atwood, and [https://web.archive.org/web/20151213223442/http://blogs.reuters.com/talesfromthetrail/2015/12/12/donald-trump-and-ted-cruz-are-best-of-frenemies/ Reuters article] by Emily Stephenson

* We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they're going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice.
**27 December 2015 on ''60 Minutes''

* I know words. I have the best words.
**30 December 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn283OjPb1g speech in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina] reported by [https://gawker.com/yet-another-bold-claim-from-donald-trump-i-know-words-1750331997 Gawker] and [https://dailycaller.com/2015/12/30/trump-i-know-words-i-have-the-best-words-obama-is-stupid-video/ The Daily Caller]

* I'm trying to figure out, let's see, I'm in my room, in [[New York City|New York city]], and I want to put a little spray, so I can, you know [mimes spraying] right, right, but I hear they don't want me to use the hairspray, they want me to use the pump, because the other one, which I really like better than going [mimes pumping] bang, bang, bang, and then it comes out in big globs, right, and it's stuck in your hair and you say, &quot;Oh my god I've got to take a shower again, my hair's all screwed up&quot;, right, I want to use hairspray, but they say &quot;Don't use hairspray, it's bad for the ozone&quot;, so I'm sitting in this concealed [sic] apartment, this concealed unit (you know I do live in a very apartment, right) but it's sealed (it's beautiful) I don't think anything gets out, and I'm not supposed to be using hairspray!
**30 December 2015 [https://www.c-span.org/video/?402610-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-hilton-head-south-carolina speaking at a rally in Hilton Head, SC]

===2016===
====January 2016====
[[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_4.jpg|thumb|I'm very angry. Because our country is being run horribly. I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it.&lt;br&gt;
We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief! Our country is being run by incompetent people and yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess!]]
* The entire world has been upset. The entire world, it's a different place. During Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's term, she's done a horrible job.&lt;br&gt;She has caused death. She has caused tremendous death with incompetent decisions. I was against the [[war in Iraq]]. I wasn't a politician, but I was against the war in Iraq. She voted for the war in Iraq.&lt;br&gt;Look at {{w|Libya}}. That was her baby. Look. I mean, I'm not even talking about the ambassador and the people with the ambassador. Young, wonderful people. With messages coming in by the hundreds, and she's not even responding. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about all of the death that's been caused and not only our side.&lt;br&gt;There was nothing saved. If we would have never done anything in the Middle East, we would have a much safer world right now. ... All of this has led to the migration. All of this has led to tremendous death and destruction. And she for the most part was in charge of it along with Obama.&lt;br&gt;She's constantly playing the woman card. It's the only way she may get elected. I mean frankly... Personally, I'm not sure that anybody else other than me is going to beat her. And I think she's a flawed candidate. And you see what's happened recently. And it hasn't been a very pretty picture for her or for Bill. Because I'm the only one that's willing to talk about his problems. I mean, what he did and what he has gone through I think is frankly terrible, especially if she wants to play the woman card.&lt;br&gt;I have more respect for women by far than Hillary Clinton has. And I will do more for women than Hillary Clinton will. I will do far more including the protection of our country. She caused a lot of the problems that we have right now.
** CBS interview with John Dickerson (taped 1 January 2016) for ''[[wikipedia:Face the Nation|Face the Nation]]'' — as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/trump-hillary-clinton-donald-217294 &quot;Trump: Clinton has ruined the world&quot;] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 January 2016)

* They've created ISIS. Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama; created with Obama. But I love predicting because you know, ultimately, you need somebody with vision.
** At a rally, as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 &quot;TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'&quot;] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016)

* She [Clinton] has a terrible record as secretary of state. I mean, she's literally created ISIS. If you look at her, between her and Obama, they're the ones — we have this big ISIS problem they created with their bad policies and their bad thinking.
** On ''[[wikipedia:Fox &amp; Friends|Fox &amp; Friends]]'', as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 &quot;TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'&quot;] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016)

* Mexico is going to be the new China because what they're doing to us is unbelievable, although they did catch El Chapo. Good? Good? They did catch El Chapo, that's good. I mean I don't know, he better not escape a third time, you know? Those tunnels, bing, boom, right under the toilet, bing boom, right up. It's pretty amazing when you think about it, right? But anyway. I have an idea: Put him on the fourth floor this time, right? No more, no more first floors.
** Speech (9 January 2016), as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/el-chapo-on-donald-trump-mi-amigo/ &quot;El Chapo on Donald Trump: 'Mi Amigo!&quot;], by Rebecca Kaplan, ''CBS News'' (10 January 2016).

* I'm very angry because our country is being run horribly and I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it. We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief. Our country is being run by incompetent people. And yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess.
** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016).

* And just so — if I could, because he insulted a lot of people. I've had more calls on that statement that [[Ted Cruz|Ted]] made — New York is a great place. It's got great people, it's got loving people, wonderful people. When the World Trade Center came down, I saw something that no place on [[Earth]] could have handled more beautifully, more humanely than New York. You had two one hundred, you had two 110-story buildings come crashing down. I saw them come down. Thousands of people killed, and the cleanup started the next day, and it was the most horrific cleanup, probably in the history of doing this, and in construction. I was down there, and I've never seen anything like it. And the people in New York fought and fought and fought, and we saw more death, and even the smell of death — nobody understood it. And it was with us for months, the smell, the air. And we rebuilt downtown Manhattan, and everybody in the world watched and everybody in the world loved New York and loved New Yorkers. And I have to tell you, that was a very insulting statement that Ted made.
** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016).

* The truth is, he's a nasty guy. He was so nice to me. I mean, I knew it. I was watching. I kept saying, 'Come on Ted. Let's go, okay.' But he's a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him. He's a very –- he's got an edge that's not good. You can't make deals with people like that and it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing for the country. Very nasty guy.
** About [[Ted Cruz]] in an interview on ''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/01/17/donald_trump_ted_cruz_is_a_nasty_guy_nobody_likes_him.html] (January 17, 2016)

* [[wikipedia:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]] wrote that out for me -- he actually wrote out 2, he wrote out the number 2 Corinthians, I took exactly what Tony said, and I said, 'Well Tony has to know better than anybody.
* It's a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I've had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two.
** In an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Don Lemon}}, about saying &quot;two Corinthians&quot; instead of &quot;Second Corinthians&quot; during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016)

* Ted Cruz lies.  He's a liar.  And that's why nobody likes him, that's why his Senate people won't endorse him.  That's why he stands on the middle of the Senate floor and can't make a deal with anybody.  He looks like a jerk.  He's standing all by himself.  And you know, there's something to say about having a little bit of ability to get other people to do things.  You can't be a lone wolf and stand there.  That's sort of what we have right now as a president.
** [http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/trump-ted-cruz-lies-he-s-a-liar-608990275597 Morning Joe] (26 January 2016)

* But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out. Believe it or not, this is the least important thing that we are talking about, but politically this might be the most important talk about. 
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

* So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, &quot;who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?&quot; to both of us, and we should both say, &quot;we will work it out.&quot; It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, &quot;we will not pay&quot; and me saying, &quot;we will not pay.&quot;
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

* Up in [[New Hampshire]] – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border. 
** Actually, Clinton took NH; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017)

=====Speech at {{w|Liberty University}} (18 January 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.c-span.org/video/?403331-1/donald-trump-remarks-liberty-university Presidential Candidate Donald Trump at Liberty University], ''C-SPAN'' (18 January 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* I have read a lot about it and I watched it and [[w:Liberty University|Liberty University]], like a rocket ship, a really great rocket ship.
* I'm in first place. I said when you're in first place, you discuss polls.
* I love Iowa, and I'm going there right after this, going up to New Hampshire, I'm going to Iowa because I want to win Iowa. Everyone says don't say that. Just say you're going to do well. That's the closest, but I can't do that. The safe way is, I think I'll do well. I want to win Iowa. 
* We've done great with the evangelicals. The evangelicals have been amazing. The [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] has been amazing and we're doing really well.
* We're going to protect [[Christianity]], and I can say that. I don't have to be {{w|politically correct}}. We're going to protect it. I hear this is a major theme right here, but [[wikipedia:2 Corinthians 3|two Corinthians, 3]]:17, that's the whole ball game. &quot;''Where the Spirit of the Lord''&quot;, right, &quot;''where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is [[liberty]]''&quot;, and here there is Liberty College, but Liberty University, but it is so true. You know, when you think -- and that's really -- is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like because I loved it, and it's so representative of what's taken place. But we are going to protect Christianity. And if you look what's going on throughout the world, you look at Syria where if you're Christian, they're chopping off heads. You look at the different places, and [[Christianity]], it's under siege.
* I'm a [[Protestantism|protestant]]. I'm very proud of it, [[w:Presbyterian|Presbyterian]] to be exact, but I'm proud of it, very, very proud. And we've got to protect because bad things are happening, very bad things are happening, and we don't -- I don't know what it is. We don't band together, maybe. Other religions, frankly, they're banding together.
* This is a movement. It is a movement going on. We want to take our country back. Our country is disappearing. You look at the kind of deals we make. You look at what's happening, our country is going in the wrong direction, and so wrong, and it's got to be stopped and it's got to be stopped fast.
* And my generals, by the way, they're not going on television, OK? So the enemy can learn all about it. Oh, well, then we attack.
* They have totally destabilized the Middle East. It's a disaster.
* When our sailors were captured last week, I said that's one of the saddest things that I have seen when those young people were on their hands and knees in a begging position with their hands up and thugs behind them with guns, and then we talk like it's OK. It's not OK. It's lack of respect. We can't let that happen to this country. It's lack of respect.
* The [[Persian people|Persians]], very good negotiators. Great negotiators, legendary negotiators. They're known for it. They're sitting across the table.
* I hate to tell this to the woman, they're behind the fact, they're a little behind the fact. They haven't figured out that women may be in certain ways much better than men. But I don't want to say that because I will get myself in trouble with men. But they haven't figured this out yet but that's OK.
* We're a debtor nation. We owe $19 trillion. We're not going to give you any money, and you want to be nice. You don't want to put it in their face. Just say, look, we're a poor nation. We've been mismanaged, we've been misrun. We don't know what the hell we're doing, right? 
* If I'm president, you're going to see 'Merry Christmas' in department stores, believe me.
* We spent 5 trillion dollars in the Middle East and our country is going to hell. We gotta bring it back. We gotta knock the hell out of ISIS.
* I want to see a woman president soon, but not [Hillary Clinton]. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. I mean, just think of the corruption and the scandal... We don't want to go through it. We want to see winning. We want to see win, win, win – constant winning. And you'll say – if I'm president... 'Please, Mr. President, we're winning too much. We can't stand it anymore. Can't we have a loss?' And I'll say no, we're going to keep winning, winning, winning... because we're going to make America great again. And you'll say, 'Okay, Mr. President. Okay.'

=====Speech at {{w|Dordt University}} (23 January 2016)=====

*{{anchor|shoot somebody|reason=linked to from w:en:Template:FBDB}}The people, my people, are so smart, and you know what they say about my people? The polls. They say I have the most loyal people — did you ever see that? Where '''I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters'''. It's like incredible. No, they say, &quot;Trump we love you too.&quot; Trump's voters are by far, ya know, I'm at sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent, I'm at ninety percent, total, like, &quot;Will you say absolutely?&quot; I think it's sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent. &quot;Will you most likely stay?&quot; That gets into the nineties. Other guys like a ten. A guy like [[Jeb Bush]], he has a nobody, but he's like, they don't have people. They have nothing. Rubio, soft. They're all soft. My people stay, by the way, Cruz, soft. When they heard about this thing with that he was bordering Canada, nobody knew them? He lost a lot of people! He's gone down big in the polls. Ted Cruz has gone down big in the polls. That doesn't mean he's giving us a fight in Iowa, that doesn't mean you can stay home, okay, see, you with the smile? It doesn't mean that. You gotta go out cause we can't take any chances.
** [http://time.com/4191598/donald-trump-says-he-could-shoot-somebody-and-not-lose-voters/ Speech at campaign rally] (23 January 2016), Sioux Center, Iowa.

====February 2016====
* To have a crowd like this on our final day, can you believe it, this is the day. This is the day we take our country back. Remember that. This is the day we take our country back. So I got a little notice in case you see it. It's security guys. We have wonderful security guys. They said, &quot;Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience.&quot; So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise. There won't be so much cause the courts agree with us too. What's going on in this country.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/trump-knock-the-crap-out-of-tomato-throwers/2016/02/01/1d1fe1e2-c92b-11e5-b9ab-26591104bb19_video.html At a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.] (1 February 2016)

* This has been going if it's not going to happen anymore, folks. We're going to bring businesses back. We're going to have businesses that used to be in [[New Hampshire]], that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire and you can tell them to go f--- themselves...because they let you down, and they left. We want the businesses that stay. I know a lot of businesses up here and I knew a lot of businesses up here. These are great people, they could've left and they wanna stay. They willing to stay, they're fighting to stay. It's hard. With a highest tax nation in the entire world. It's hard for them to stay and they stay. Those are the people we have to cherish and love. These are the people that are great.
** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/may/18/priorities-usa-action/priorities-usa-donald-trump-women-ad/ At a rally in New Hampshire.] (4 February 2016)

* '''Trump''': No, I didn't use the word. I never said the word, Bill. I don't know who told you -- I would never use the word. I didn't say the word. I said, &quot;you can tell them to go [beat of silence] themselves.&quot;&lt;br&gt;'''O'Reilly''': But the lips kind of moved in the --&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well, they might have. No, I didn't say the word. I wouldn't do that. Even I -- hey Bill, even I wouldn't do that, okay. No, I never said the word.
** On an interview on The O'Reilly Factor (6 February 2016)

* [[Iraq|It]]'s the Harvard of Terrorists.
** [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/watch-as-charlie-rose-forces-trump-to-admit-he-agrees-with-obama-on-syria/ Interview with Charlie Rose] (17 February 2016)

* Torture works, okay folks? [...] Believe me, it works. [...] Waterboarding is your minor form. Some people say it's not actually torture. Let's assume it is. But they asked me the question. What do you think of waterboarding? Absolutely fine. But we should go much stronger than waterboarding. That's the way I feel.
** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-torture-works/ Donald Trump: &quot;Torture works&quot;]. CBS News (17 February 2016). Bluffton, South Carolina. 

* They were having [[terrorism]] problems, just like we do, and he caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage and killed many people. And he took the 50 terrorists, and he took 50 men and he dipped 50 bullets in pigs' blood — you heard that, right? He took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pigs' blood. And he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said: You go back to your people, and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years, there wasn't a problem. Okay? Twenty-five years, there wasn't a problem.
** During a campaign stop in {{w|Pawley's Island, South Carolina}} (February 19, 2016) [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/450574/donald-trump-tweet-fake-history-libel-war-crime]. Referring to a false story about [[John J. Pershing]] which has circulated on the Internet.

* Bye bye. Look, see? He's smiling. See, he's having a good time. Oh, I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy, totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed to punch back anymore. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks.  You know, I love our police, and I really respect our police, and they're not getting enough. They're not. Honestly, I hate to see that. Here's a guy, throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming at everything else when we're talking, and he's walking out, and we're not allowed -- you know, the guards are very gentle with him, he's walking out, like, big high fives, smiling, laughing -- I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
** [http://www.weeklystandard.com/protester-would-be-carried-out-on-a-stretcher-in-the-old-days-trump-reminisces/article/2001211 At a rally in Las Vegas] (22 February 2016)

* We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. '''I love the poorly educated.'''
** [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-declares-i-love-the-poorly-educated-as-he-storms-to-victory-in-nevada-caucus-a6893106.html Donald Trump declares 'I love the poorly educated' as he storms to victory in Nevada caucus], 24 February 2016

* '''Ted Cruz''': Donald, relax.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I'm relaxed. You're the basket case. Go ahead, don't get nervous.
** [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-carlson-6454d89c-dc90-11e5-8210-f0bd8de915f6-20160226-story.html CNN-Telemundo Republican debate] (25 February 2016)

====March 2016====
* '''Donald Trump''': I think you've become very negative.&lt;br&gt;'''Bill O'Reilly''': Why would I do that?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Who knows. You'll have to ask your psychiatrist.
** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/donald-trump-bill-oreilly-gop-debate-220241 &quot;Trump to O'Reilly: 'I think you've become very negative'&quot;] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 March 2016)

* Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee.
** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-03-04|author=Gregory Krieg|title=Donald Trump defends size of his penis|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/03/03/politics/donald-trump-small-hands-marco-rubio/index.html}}

* '''Anderson Cooper''': Is Islam at war with the West?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': I think Islam hates us. There is something there, there is a tremendous hatred there, and we have to get to the bottom of it. There is an unbelievable hatred of us.&lt;br&gt;'''Cooper''': In Islam itself?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': You're going to have to figure that out, but there is a tremendous hatred and we have to be very vigilant, we have to be very careful and we can't allow people coming into this country who have this hatred of the United States and of people that are not Muslim.&lt;br&gt;'''Cooper''': The question is is there a war between the West and radical Islam or is it between the West and Islam itself?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well it's radical but it's very hard to define, it's very hard to separate because you don't know who's who.
** 9 March CNN interview, as quoted in [http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/us-election-2016-donald-trump-tells-cnn-tv-interviewer-islam-hates-us-1548760 &quot;US Election 2016: Donald Trump tells CNN TV interviewer 'Islam hates us'&quot;] by Harriet Sinclair, ''International Business Times'' (10 March 2016)

* Come on, get 'em out, police, please. Let's go! ... Nobody wants to hurt each other anymore.
** During a St Louis, Mo., rally, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/get-him-out-racial-tensions-explode-at-donald-trumps-rallies/2016/03/11/b9764884-e6ee-11e5-bc08-3e03a5b41910_story.html &quot;‘Get 'em out!' Racial tensions explode at Donald Trump's rallies&quot;], by Jose A. DelReal, ''The Washington Post'' (12 March 2016), Washington, D.C.

* I promise you, I will not be taking very long vacations, if I take them at all.  There's no time for vacations.  We're not going to be big on vacations.  
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] March 14, 2016 rally

*Iran has already, since the deal is in place, test-fired ballistic missiles three times. Those ballistic missiles, with a range of 1,250 miles, were designed to intimidate not only Israel, which is only 600 miles away, but also intended to frighten Europe and someday maybe hit even the United States. And we're not going to let that happen. We're not letting it happen. And we're not letting it happen to Israel, believe me.&lt;br&gt;Thank you. Thank you.&lt;br&gt;Do you want to hear something really shocking? As many of the great people in this room know, painted on those missiles in both Hebrew and Farsi were the words &quot;'''Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth'''.&quot; You can forget that.&lt;br&gt;What kind of demented minds write that in Hebrew?
**[http://time.com/4267058/donald-trump-aipac-speech-transcript/ 21 March 2016] address to AIPAC (America-Israel Public Affairs Committee)

* '''Obama''': But you would rule in the possibility to fight against ISIS.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Well, I'm never gonna rule anything out. And I wouldn't wanna say. Even if I felt -- it wasn't going -- I wouldn't wanna tell you that because, at a minimum, I want them to think maybe that we would use it.
** As part of a conversation with Barack Obama about ruling out the use of nuclear weapons (March 23, 2016) reported [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-open-to-nuclear-retaliation-after-brussels-attack/ 24 March 2016 by CBS]

* If Saudi Arabia was without the cloak of American protection, I don't think it would be around.
** Interview on foreign policy given on 25 March 2016, published: [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/27/us/politics/donald-trump-foreign-policy.html ''In Donald Trump's Worldview, America Comes First, and Everybody Else Pays''], ''The New York Times'' (26 March 2016)

* I was angry because they sued.
** explaining why he withdrew the medical benefits to his nephew's infant son who had cerebral palsy, after his nephew claimed that the exclusion from {{W|Fred Trump}}'s will was a result of Donald Trump and his siblings unduly influencing the older man
** as quoted in [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/09/donald-trumps-cruel-streak/501554/ Donald Trump's Cruel Streak], by Conor Friedersdorf, in ''{{W|The Atlantic}}''; published September 26, 2016; retrieved October 24, 2016

* Talking about success, most people think success is measured in the form of monetary success. It's not really. I mean to be a successful person is to have a great family, is who loves the family, loves the children and the children love him or her. To me that's a much more successful person than a person that has made a billion dollars or ten billion dollars, and is miserable and doesn't have a good family and nobody likes that person. I think I've seen every type of person there is that God created.
**&lt;small&gt;''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xuAO0zKRAk Donald Trump talks about Success and Happiness - Motivational speech held in Wisconsin on March 30, 2016]'', Mike Mohamed on YouTube. (2:37 to 3:05)&lt;/small&gt;

====April 2016====
* I can be presidential, but if I was presidential I would only have - about 20% of you would be here because it would be boring as hell.
** At a rally in Superior, Wisconsin (4 April 2016)

* I love working.  I'm not a vacation guy.  Right?  Like Obama, he plays golf in Hawaii.  He flies in a 747. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 21, 2016 rally

* If you love what you do, you're happy.  You don't take vacations.  
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 22, 2016 rally

=====Foreign Policy Speech (27 April 2016)=====
[[File:Maga.png|thumb|No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/28/us/politics/transcript-trump-foreign-policy.html Transcript: Donald Trump's Foreign Policy Speech], ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (27 April 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* It's time to shake the rust off [[Foreign policy of the United States|America's foreign policy]].

* My foreign policy will always put the interests of the American people and American security above all else... That will be the foundation of every single decision that I will make. [[America First (policy)|America First]] will be the major and overriding theme of my administration.

* Our foreign policy is a complete and total disaster. No vision. No purpose. No direction. No strategy.

* [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] has weakened [[United States Armed Forces|our military]] by weakening our economy. He's crippled us with wasteful spending, massive [[National debt|debt]], low growth, a huge trade deficit and open borders.

* Our allies are not paying their fair share... The countries we are defending must pay for the cost of this defense, and if not, the U.S. must be prepared to let these countries defend themselves. We have no choice.

* Israel, our great friend and the one true democracy in the Middle East has been snubbed and criticized by an administration that lacks moral clarity... President Obama has not been a friend to Israel. He has treated Iran with tender love and care and made it a great power.

* We've let our rivals and challengers think they can get away with anything, and they do... If President Obama's goal had been to weaken America, he could not have done a better job.

* We've made the Middle East more unstable and chaotic than ever before. We left Christians subject to intense persecution and even [[genocide]]. We have done nothing to help the Christians, nothing, and we should always be ashamed for that lack of action.

* Hillary Clinton refuses to say the words radical Islam, even as she pushes for a massive increase in refugees coming into our country. After Secretary Clinton's failed intervention in Libya, [[wikipedia:2012 Benghazi attack|Islamic terrorists in Benghazi]] took down our consulate and killed our ambassador and three brave Americans. Then, instead of taking charge that night, Hillary Clinton decided to go home and sleep. Incredible. Clinton blames it all on a video, an excuse that was a total lie, proven to be absolutely a total lie. Our ambassador was murdered and our secretary of state misled the nation.

* We're also going to have to change our trade, immigration and economic policies to make our economy strong again. And to put Americans first again. This will ensure that our own workers, right here in America, get the jobs and higher pay that will grow our tax revenues, increase our economic might as a nation.

* I believe an easing of tensions, and improved relations with Russia from a position of strength only is possible.

* Americans must know that we're putting the American people first again on trade, on immigration, on foreign policy. The jobs, incomes and security of the [[Working class in the United States|American worker]] will always be my first priority. No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first. Both our friends and our enemies put their countries above ours and we, while being fair to them, must start doing the same. We will no longer surrender this country or its people to the false song of [[globalism]]. The nation-state remains the true foundation for happiness and harmony. I am skeptical of international unions that tie us up and bring America down, and will never enter America into any agreement that reduces our ability to control our own affairs.

====May 2016====
* We have a 500 billion dollar deficit, trade deficit with China. We're going to turn it around and we have the cards, don't forget, we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. We have the cards, we have a lot of power with China. When China doesn't want to fix the problem in North Korea we say &quot;Sorry folks, you've got to fix the problem.&quot; '''Because we can't continue to allow China to rape [[United States|our country]], and that's what they're doing. It's the greatest theft in the history of the world.'''
**[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-36185275/china-accused-of-trade-rape-by-donald-trump &quot;China accused of trade 'rape' by Donald Trump&quot;] ''BBC'' (2 May 2016)

* You've been hearing me say it's a rigged system, but now I don't say it anymore because I won. It's true. Now I don't care.
** [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-gop-rigged-but-i-dont-care-because-i-won/article/2590545 &quot;Trump: GOP 'rigged,' but I don't care because I won&quot;] by Ryan Lovelace, ''Washington Examiner'' (5 May 2016)

====June 2016====
* It's going to be like this. I'm not changing.
** Answer to the question whether the American public could expect a similar dynamic if he would win the presidential elections, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-01 |title=Donald Trump: Questions on money for war veterans |author=Alan Fisher |periodical=Al Jazeera |url=http://www.aljazeera.com/blogs/americas/2016/05/donald-trump-fumes-veterans-money-questions-160531203455389.html}}

* '''He's a [[Mexicans|Mexican]]'''. We're building a wall between here and Mexico.
** About American judge Gonzalo Curiel (3 June 2016), as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-04 |title=Trump Presses Case That 'Mexican' Judge Curiel Is Biased Against Him |author=Nina Totenberg |periodical=National Public Radio |url=http://www.npr.org/2016/06/04/480714972/trump-presses-case-that-mexican-judge-curiel-is-biased-against-him}}

* I'm truly honored by your support. Together, we accomplished what nobody thought was absolutely possible and you know what that is and we're only getting started and it's going to be beautiful, remember that. Tonight we close one chapter in history and we begin another. Our campaign received more primary votes than any GOP campaign in history, no matter who it is, no matter who they are, we received more votes. This is a great feeling. That's a great feeling. This is not a testament to me but a testament to all of the people who believed real change, not Obama change, but real change is possible. You've given me the honor to lead the Republican Party to victory this fall.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* To those who voted for someone else in either party, I will work hard to earn your support and I will work very hard to earn that support. To all of those [[Bernie Sanders]] voters who have been left out in the cold by a rigged system of super delegates, we welcome you with open arms. And by the way, the terrible trade deals that Bernie was so vehemently against and he's right on that will be taken care of far better than anyone ever thought possible and that's what I do. We are going to have fantastic trade deals. We're going to start making money and bringing in jobs.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* My goal is always again to bring people together. But if I'm forced to fight for something I really care about, I will never, ever back down and our country will never, ever back down. Thank you. I've fought for my family. I've fought for my business. I've fought for my employees. And now, I'm going to fight for you, the American people like nobody has ever fought before.
** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript]

* We're led by [[Barack Obama|a man]] that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind. And the something else in mind, you know, people can't believe it, people cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism. There's something going on — it's inconceivable. There's something going on. He doesn't get it, or he gets it better than anybody understands. It's one or the other, and either one is unacceptable.
** Phone interview on ''Fox and Friends'', as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-13 |title=Trump on Obama and Islam: 'There's something going on' |author=Jesse Byrnes |periodical=The Hill |url=http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/283246-trump-on-obama-and-islam-theres-something-going-on}}

* Look, companies now are leaving the United States. Corporate inversion, they're leaving the United States, we have almost $5 trillion sitting out there, where they can't get the money back, they can't bring it in because there's no mechanism to bring it back in and the tax is so high. I'm going to bring tremendous amounts of money, tremendous amounts of jobs, tremendous numbers of companies, and yes the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#Taxes,_spending,_and_budget|tax is going to be cut]] from the highest tax nation anywhere in the world to a fairly low tax. Not the lowest in the world, but to a fairly low tax.
* &lt;p&gt;'''Norah O'Donnell:''' Hillary Clinton called you the king of debt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' Well, no she didn't call me, I called myself the king of debt. '''I'm the king of debt.''' I'm great with debt, nobody knows debt better than me. I made a fortune by using debt. And if things don't work out I renegotiate the debt, I mean that's a smart thing not a stupid thing. And I made a fortune.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''O'Donnell:''' How do you renegotiate the debt?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Trump:''' Because you go back and you say, hey, guess what, the economy just crashed, I'm going to give you back half. I like debt for me, I don't like debt for the country. I like debt for my company, but I don't like debt for the country. For the country we have $19 trillion in debt, it's going to be very soon $21 trillion, not billion, $21 trillion in debt. And I will tell you we are sitting on a time bomb and Hillary Clinton doesn't have a clue. And President Obama has pretty much doubled the debt since he's been in office and somebody's going to pay a big price. We have to start chopping that debt down.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''O'Donnell:''' [[Janet Yellen]], who you know, the chairman of the [[Federal Reserve System|Federal Reserve]] blasted you for saying that the U.S. could load up on debt and then make a deal with creditors if the [[Economy of the United States|economy]] has soured. She said there would be very severe consequences if an elected president tried to renegotiate the nation's debt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''Trump:''' I wouldn't renegotiate the debt.&lt;/p&gt;
** In an interview with ''{{w|CBS This Morning'}}'' {{w|Norah O'Donnell}}, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=CBS' Norah O'Donnell Challenges Trump On His Economic Plan |periodical=Media Matters for America |url=https://www.mediamatters.org/donald-trump/cbs-norah-odonnell-challenges-trump-his-economic-plan}}

* Our enemies probably know every single one [of Clinton's deleted emails]. So they probably now have a blackmail file. . . . We can't hand over our government to someone whose deepest, darkest secrets may be in the hands of our enemies. Can't do it.&quot;
** speech, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=Nobody brings the crazy quite like Trump |author=Dana Milbank |periodical=Washington Post |url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/nobody-brings-the-crazy-quite-like-trump/2016/06/22/74ba5692-38bd-11e6-9ccd-d6005beac8b3_story.html}}

=====Speech about the Orlando Shooting (June 13, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Speech after the [[wikipedia:2016 Orlando nightclub shooting|2016 Orlando nightclub shooting]] ([http://time.com/4367120/orlando-shooting-donald-trump-transcript/ transcript])&lt;/small&gt; 

* So many people — it's just hard to believe, but just so many people dead, so many people gravely injured, so much carnage, such a disgrace. The horror is beyond description. The families of these wonderful people are totally devastated, and they will be forever. Likewise, our whole nation and indeed the whole world is devastated.

* Our nation stands together in solidarity with the members of Orlando's LGBT community. They have been through something that nobody could ever experience. This is a very dark moment in [[History of the United States|America's history]]. A radical Islamic terrorist targeted the [[wikipedia:Pulse (nightclub)|nightclub]], not only because he wanted to kill Americans, but in order to execute [[LGBT in the United States|gay and lesbian citizens]], because of their [[sexual orientation]].

* It's a strike at the heart and soul of who we are as a nation. It's an assault on the ability of free people to live their lives, love who they want, and express their identity. It's an attack on the right of every single American to live in peace and safety in their own country.

* We're not acting clearly, we're not talking clearly, we've got problems.

* We have a dysfunctional immigration system, which does not permit us to know who we let into our country, and it does not permit us to protect our citizens properly. We have an incompetent administration.

* The [[wikipedia:List of United States immigration laws|immigration laws of the United States]] give the president powers to suspend entry into the country of any class of persons. Now, any class — it really is determined and to be determined by the president for the interests of the United States. And it's as he or she deems appropriate. Hopefully it's he in this case.

* When I'm elected I will suspend immigration from areas of the world where there's a proven history of terrorism against the United States, Europe or our allies until we fully understand how to end these threats. ... After a full and partial and long — really long overdue security assessment we will develop a responsible immigration policy that serves the interests and values of America.

* We cannot continue to allow thousands upon thousands of people to pour into our country many of whom have the same thought process as this savage killer. Many of the principles of radical Islam are incompatible with Western values and institutions. Remember this, radical Islam is [[Misogyny|anti-woman]], [[Homophobia|anti-gay]] and [[Anti-Americanism|anti- American]]. I refuse to allow America to become a place where gay people, Christian people, Jewish people are targets of persecution and intimation by radical Islamic preachers of hate and violence. This is not just a [[national security]] issue. It's a quality of life issue. If we want to protect the quality of life for all Americans — women and children, gay and straight, Jews and Christians and all people then we need to tell the truth about radical Islam and we need to do it now. We need to tell the truth also about how radical Islam is coming to our shores. And it's coming.

* We're importing radical [[Islamic terrorism]] into the West through a failed immigration system and through an intelligence community held back by our president.

* They share these oppressive views and values. We want to remain a free and open society. Then, and if we do, then we have to control our borders. We have to control, and we have to control them now, not later. Right now.

* Hillary Clinton, for months, and despite so many attacks, repeatedly refused to even say the words radical Islam until I challenged her yesterday. And, guess what, she will probably say them. She sort of has said them, but let's see what happens. She really has no choice, but she doesn't want to. However, she's really been forced, and she has been forced to say these words. She supports, and the reason is, she supports so much of what is wrong, and what is wrong with this country, and what's going wrong with our country and our borders. She has no clue, in my opinion, what radical Islam is and she won't speak honestly about it if she does, in fact, know. She's in total denial, and her continuing reluctance to ever name the enemy broadcasts weakness across the entire world — true weakness.

* She says the solution is to [[Firearms regulation|ban guns]]. They tried that in [[France]] which has among the toughest gun laws anywhere in the world, and 130 people were brutally murdered by Islamic terrorists in cold blood. Her plan is to disarm law abiding Americans, abolishing the Second Amendment, and leaving only the bad guys and terrorists with guns. No good. Not going to happen, folks. ... She wants to take away American's guns and then admit the very people who want to slaughter us. Let them come into the country, we don't have guns. Let them come in, let them have all the fun they want.

* [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Immigration_policy|Hillary Clinton's catastrophic immigration plan]] will bring vastly more radical Islamic immigration into this country, threatening not only our society but our entire way of life. When it comes to radical Islamic terrorism, ignorance is not bliss. It's deadly — totally deadly. ... Clinton's State Department was in charge of admissions and the admissions process for people applying to enter from overseas. Having learned nothing from these attacks, she now plans to massively increase admissions without a screening plan including a 500 percent increase in Syrian refugees coming into our country. Tell me, tell me – how stupid is that? This could be a better, bigger, more horrible version than the legendary [[Trojan Horse]] ever was. Altogether, under the Clinton plan, you'd be admitting hundreds of thousands of refugees from the Middle East with no system to vet them, or to prevent the radicalization of the children and their children. Not only their children, by the way, they're trying to take over our children and convince them how wonderful ISIS is and how wonderful Islam is and we don't know what's happening. The burden is on Hillary Clinton to tell us why she believes immigration from these dangerous countries should be increased without any effective system to really to screen. We're not screening people.

* We have, just, no [[wikipedia:Intelligence gathering network|intelligence gathering information]]. We need this information so badly. ... We need an intelligence gathering system second to none. Second to none. That includes better cooperation between state, local and federal officials, and with our allies, very importantly. I will have an Attorney General, a Director of National Intelligence and a Secretary of Defense who'll know how to fight a war on radical Islamic terrorism.

* They have put political correctness above common sense, above your safety, and above all else. I refuse to be politically correct.

* The days of deadly ignorance will end, and they will end soon.

* The media talks about home grown terrorism but Islamic radicalism and that's a very, very important term — a term that the president refuses to use and the networks that nurture it are imports from overseas whether you like it or whether you don't like it. Yes, there are many radicalized people already inside our country as a result of poor policies of the past.

* Hillary Clinton can never claim to be a friend of the gay community as long as she continues to support immigration policies that bring [[Islamic extremists]] to our country and who suppress women, gays and anyone who doesn't share their views or values.

* Clinton wants to allow radical Islamic terrorists to pour into our country. They enslave women, and they murder gays. I don't want them in our country.

* Immigration is a privilege, and we should not let anyone into this country who doesn't support our communities. All of our communities, every single one of them.

* I want every American to succeed including [[wikipedia:Islam in the United States|Muslims]]. But the Muslims have to work with us. They have to work with us. They know what's going on. They know that he was bad. They knew the people in San Bernardino were bad. But you know what? They didn't turn them in. And you know what? [[wikipedia:2015 San Bernardino attack|We had death, and destruction]].

* Hillary Clinton wants to empty out the {{w|Treasury}} to bring people into the country that include individuals who preach hate against our citizens. I want to protect our citizens, all of our citizens.

* America must do more — much more — to protect its citizens, especially people who are potential victims of crimes based on their backgrounds or sexual orientation, as you just saw in Orlando.

* The decision to overthrow the regime in Libya, then pushing for the overthrow of the regime in Syria, among other things, without plans for the day after, have created space for ISIS to expand and grow like nobody has ever seen before. These actions, along with our disastrous Iran deal, have also reduced our ability to work in partnership with our Muslim allies in the region. That is why our new goal must be to defeat Islamic terrorism not nation building. No more nation building. It's never going to work.

* The last major [[NATO]] mission was Hillary Clinton's war in Libya. That mission helped to unleash ISIS on a new continent.

* America must unite the whole civilized world in the fight against Islamic terrorism. Pretty much [[wikipedia:Anti-communism#United_States|like we did with communism]] during the [[Cold War]]. We tried it President Obama's way, doesn't work. He gave the world his apology tour. We got ISIS and many other problems in return. That's what we got. Remember the famous apology tour. We're sorry for everything.

====July 2016====
* [[Saddam Hussein]] was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights—they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over. [...] Today, Iraq is Harvard for terrorism. You want to be a terrorist, you go to Iraq. It's like Harvard. Okay? So sad.
** At a campaign rally in Raleigh, North Carolina (July 5, 2016), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/05/donald-trump-praises-saddam-hussein-for-killing-terrorists-so-good/ &quot;Donald Trump praises Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists ‘so good’&quot;] ''The Washington Post'' (July 5, 2016).
** [[w:Jake Sullivan|Jake Sullivan]], then a policy advisor to Hillary Clinton, stated: &quot;Hussein's regime was a sponsor of terrorism — one that paid families of suicide bombers who attacked Israelis, among other crimes.&quot;

* I'll stand up for Article Two, Article 12, you name it of the Constitution.
** About the U.S. Constitution, which only has seven articles and 27 amendments; as recounted by [[Mark Sanford]], quoted in [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/trump-changes-few-minds-with-meeting-on-the-hill &quot;Trump Manages To Give Some House GOPers More Heartburn In Hill Meeting&quot;] (2016), ''Talking Points Memo'' (July 7, 2016).

* ''[Interviewer: You're not known to be a humble man. But I wonder—]'' I think I am actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R42mFx3_ss During an interview] by {{WP|Lesley Stahl}} on ''{{WP|60 Minutes}}'' (17 July 2016)

* Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and [[Scientists|scientist]] and [[Engineering|engineer]], Dr. John Trump at [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the [[w:Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania|Wharton School of Finance]], very good, very smart—you know, if you're a [[Conservatism|conservative]] Republican, if I were a [[Liberalism|liberal]], if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it's true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that's why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we're a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are—nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35&amp;nbsp;years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who would have thought?—but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150&amp;nbsp;years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.
** Speech in South Carolina (19 July 2016)

* Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.
** Press conference, reported in Ashley Parker and David E. Sanger, &quot;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/28/us/politics/donald-trump-russia-clinton-emails.html? Donald Trump Calls on Russia to Find Hillary Clinton's Missing Emails], ''The New York Times'' (July 27, 2016).

* Though [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] is exhausted and has given up on his [[revolution]], many of his voters still want to keep up the fight. I expect that millions of Bernie voters will refuse to vote for Hillary because of her support for the War in Iraq, the [[2011 Libyan civil war|invasion of Libya]], [[wikipedia:North American Free Trade Agreement|NAFTA]] and [[w:Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]], and of course because she is totally bought and sold by [[Special-interest group|special interests]]. She and [[Bill Clinton|her husband]] have been paid millions and millions by [[Multinational corporation|global corporations]] and powerful interests who will control her every decision. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. We welcome with open arms all voters who want an honest [[Federal government of the United States|government]] and to fix [[Politics of the United States|our rigged system]] so it works for the people. This includes fixing one of Bernie's biggest issues, our terrible trade deals that strip our country of its jobs and wealth.
** ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/donald-trump-reddit-ama-ask-me-anything/493361/ How Donald Trump Beat Reddit]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (July 28, 2016)

* The things that were said about me. … You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened.
** Press conference, reported in Jacob Bogage, &quot;[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/07/29/i-wanted-to-hit-a-couple-of-those-speakers-so-hard-trump-says-of-dem-convention-critics/ ‘I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard', Trump says of Democratic convention]&quot;, ''The Washington Post'' (July 29, 2016).

* A guy who didn't have the guts to run for president. Little Michael. He doesn't know anything about me. But he never had the guts to run. He probably wished he did but he didn't. He spent millions of dollars on polling but he was missing one thing: guts. Little Michael.
** On [[Michael Bloomberg]]'s speech about Trump. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it's good or bad, the press will say it's fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It's hard to define. There's something about him I do like. I'm embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It's very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He's got some quality going.
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Emails in general are terrible. There's no security. It happens so often. I'm old-fashioned. I put a letter in an envelope and have it hand delivered. My son is 10 years old, and he has grown up [[Computers|computer]] literate. They start using computers before they can walk. His computer was locked and he unlocked it. And I said, ‘[[w:Barron Trump|Barron]], how did you do that?' And he said, ‘I won't tell you, Dad.
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Putin said I was a genius. I do say this: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we actually could get along with Russia and China and some other countries that we don't get along with, and then we go out and knock the hell out of ISIS? Wouldn't it be nice if we cleaned that mess up? Wouldn't it be smart?
** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* I think he's a pervert. It's dangerous to allow him on the convention floor.
** About [[Anthony Weiner]] on the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'&lt;nowiki/&gt;]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016)

* Captain [[wikipedia:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun Khan]] was a hero to our country and we should honor all who have made the ultimate sacrifice to keep our country safe. The real problem here are the radical Islamic terrorists who killed him, and the efforts of these radicals to enter our country to do us further harm. Given the state of the world today, we have to know everything about those looking to enter our country, and given the state of chaos in some of these countries, that is impossible. While I feel deeply for the loss of his son, Mr. Khan who has never met me, has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution, (which is false) and say many other inaccurate things. If I become President, I will make America safe again.
* Hillary Clinton should be held accountable for her central role in destabilizing the Middle East. She voted to send the United States to war against Iraq, helped lead the disastrous withdrawal of American troops years later that created the vacuum allowing the rise of ISIS, and has never met a [[wikipedia:United States involvement in regime change|regime change]] she didn't like (which have all been disasters) – not to mention her invasion of Libya and her abandonment of American personnel in Benghazi. The loss of these lives in Libya is directly traceable to Clinton, but their families' testimonials were rejected by the media.
* Clinton's actions have been reckless and have directly led to the loss of American lives. And her extreme immigration policies, as also laid out by American victims in Cleveland, will cause the preventable deaths of countless more -- while putting all residents, from all places, at greater risk of terrorism. As Bernie Sanders said on numerous occasions, Hillary Clinton suffers from &quot;bad judgement.&quot; She is not qualified to serve as Commander in Chief.
** Written statement responding to [[Khizr M. Khan]] [http://web.archive.org/web/20160731082150/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/setting-the-record-straight] (July 30, 2016)

====={{w|2016 Republican National Convention}} (21 July 2016)=====
[[File:Donald Trump 2016 RNC speech (1).jpg|thumb|I have joined the [[political]] arena so that the [[powerful]] can no longer beat up on [[people]] that cannot defend themselves. &lt;br /&gt; Nobody knows the [[system]] better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.vox.com/2016/7/21/12253426/donald-trump-acceptance-speech-transcript-republican-nomination-transcript &quot;Full transcript of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at the RNC&quot;, ''Vox'' (22 July 2016)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0pZ_GrTy8 &quot;Donald Trump's entire Republican convention speech&quot;, ''CNN'' (21 July 2016)] · [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/full-transcript-donald-trump-nomination-acceptance-speech-at-rnc-225974 Donald Trump 2016 RNC draft speech transcript], ''{{w|Politico}}'' (21 July 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* The attacks on our [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]], and the terrorism in our cities, threaten our very way of life. Any politician who does not grasp this danger is not fit to lead our country.

* Americans watching this address tonight have seen the recent images of violence in our streets and the chaos in our communities. Many have witnessed this violence personally. Some have even been its victims. &lt;br /&gt; I have a message for all of you: The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon — and I mean very soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20th 2017, safety will be restored. &lt;br /&gt; The most basic duty of government is to defend the lives of its citizens. Any government that fails to do so is a government unworthy to lead.

* It is finally time for a straightforward assessment of the state of our nation. I will present the facts plainly and honestly. We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore. &lt;br /&gt; So if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully-crafted lies, and the media myths — the Democrats are holding their convention next week. Go there. &lt;br /&gt; But here, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else. 

* Decades of progress made in bringing down crime are now being reversed by this Administration's rollback of criminal enforcement.
* America is far less safe – and the world is far less stable – than when Obama made the decision to put Hillary Clinton in charge of America's foreign policy. I am certain it is a decision he truly regrets. Her bad instincts and her bad judgment – something pointed out by Bernie Sanders – are what caused the disasters unfolding today.
* This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction and weakness.
* The problems we face now – [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and violence at home, war and destruction abroad – will last only as long as we continue relying on the same politicians who created them. A change in leadership is required to change these outcomes.
* There can be no prosperity without [[wikipedia:Law and order (politics)|law and order]]
* Our plan will put America First. [[wikipedia:Americanism (ideology)|Americanism]], not globalism, will be our credo. As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect.
* Big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent because they know she will keep our rigged system in place. They are throwing money at her because they have total control over everything she does. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. That is why Hillary Clinton's message is that things will never change. My message is that things have to change – and they have to change right now.
* Every day I wake up determined to deliver for the people I have met all across this nation that have been neglected, ignored, and abandoned. I have visited the laid-off factory workers, and the communities crushed by our horrible and unfair trade deals. These are the forgotten men and women of our country, and they are forgotten, but they're not going to be forgotten long. These are people who work hard but no longer have a voice. I AM YOUR VOICE.
* I have no patience for injustice, no tolerance for government incompetence, no sympathy for leaders who fail their citizens.
* When innocent people suffer, because our political system lacks the will, or the courage, or the basic decency to enforce our [[Law|laws]] – or worse still, has sold out to some corporate lobbyist for cash – I am not able to look the other way.
* When a [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] illegally stores her emails on a private server, deletes 33,000 of them so the authorities can't see her crime, puts our country at risk, lies about it in every different form and faces no consequence – I know that corruption has reached a level like never before.
* I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people that cannot defend themselves. '''Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it'''. &lt;br /&gt; I have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against Bernie Sanders – he never had a chance.
* [[Mike Pence|He]] (Mike Pence) is a man of character and accomplishment. He is the right man for the job.
* An attack on law enforcement is an attack on all Americans. I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: when I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order our country.
* In this race for the White House, I am the Law And Order candidate. ... I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally, and protected equally.
** &quot;I am the law-and-order candidate&quot; was a phrase used by [[Richard Nixon]] during his [[w:Richard Nixon 1968 presidential campaign|1968 presidential campaign]].
* Once again, [[France]] is the [[wikipedia:2016 Nice attack|victim of brutal Islamic terrorism]]. Men, women and children viciously mowed down. Lives ruined. Families ripped apart. A nation in mourning.
* I will do everything in my power to protect our [[LGBT]] citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology.
* We must work with all of our allies who share our goal of destroying ISIS and stamping out Islamic terror. This includes working with our greatest ally in the region, the State of Israel.
* We must immediately suspend immigration from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism until such time as proven vetting mechanisms have been put in place.
* I only want to admit individuals into our country who will support our values and love our people. Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be.
* Decades of record immigration have produced lower wages and higher unemployment for our citizens, especially for African-American and Latino workers. We are going to have an immigration system that works, but one that works for the American people.
* Of all my travels in this country, nothing has affected me more deeply than the time I have spent with the mothers and fathers who have lost their children to violence spilling across our border.
* We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration, to stop the gangs and the violence, and to stop the drugs from pouring into our communities.
* Peace will be restored.
* We are going to be considerate and compassionate to everyone. But my greatest compassion will be for our own struggling citizens.
* Americans want relief from uncontrolled immigration. Communities want relief.
* I'm going to make our country rich again. I am going to turn our bad trade agreements into great ones.
* I pledge to never sign any trade agreement that hurts our workers, or that diminishes our freedom and independence. Instead, I will make individual deals with individual countries.
* No longer will we enter into these massive deals, with many countries, that are thousands of pages long – and which no one from our country even reads or understands. We are going to enforce all trade violations, including through the use of taxes and tariffs, against any country that cheats.
* We'll walk away if we don't get the deal that we want.
* Reducing taxes will cause new companies and new jobs to come roaring back into our country.
* My Dad, {{w|Fred Trump}}, was the smartest and hardest working man I ever knew.
* I have loved my life in business.
* We must break free from the petty politics of the past.
* America is a nation of believers, dreamers, and strivers that is being led by a group of censors, critics, and cynics.
* All of the people telling you that you can't have the country you want, are the same people telling you that I wouldn't be standing here tonight. No longer can we rely on those elites in media, and politics, who will say anything to keep a rigged system in place.
* We must choose to Believe In America. History is watching us now.
* My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three word loyalty pledge. It reads, &quot;I'm with her.&quot; I choose to recite a different pledge. My pledge reads, &quot;I'm with you – the American people.&quot; I am your voice. So to every parent who dreams for their child, and every child who dreams for a better future, I say these words to you tonight: I'm with you, and I will fight for you, and I will win for you. To all Americans tonight, in all of our cities and towns, I make this promise: We will make America proud again, we will make America strong again, we will make America safe again, and we will Make America Great Again! God bless you and good night! I love you!

=====''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' Interview (July 30, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Interview on {{w|ABC News}}' ''{{w|This Week}}'' with [[George Stephanopoulos]]. [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/week-transcript-donald-trump-vice-president-joe-biden/story?id=41020870 Transcript] (31 July 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* She's (Hillary Clinton) a very dishonest person. I have one of the great temperaments. I have a winning temperament. She has a bad temperament. She's weak. We need a strong temperament and that's all it is, I have a strong temperament. ... I think I have a great temperament. I beat 16 very talented people in -- and I've never done this before. You don't do that with a bad temperament. ... I'm leading her in the polls, as you probably have noticed. And I think I have a great temperament. I have a temperament where I know how to win. She doesn't know how to win. She's not a winner. She doesn't know how to win. Honestly, she lies a lot and she really -- she should tell the truth. I honestly believe if she told the truth -- because she made some reference to my campaigning, I've had a beautiful -- I've had a -- had a flawless campaign. You'll be writing books about this campaign. And yet she's criticizing my campaign.
* If you look at what's going on in terms of unity, the Bernie people are angry. They're angry. He was angry. What was amazing to me is when she was talking about Bernie last night, the camera was on him and he was angry. It almost looks like he has buyer's remorse, like he shouldn't have made the deal.
* I have no relationship with Putin. I don't think I've ever met him. I never met him. I don't think I've ever met him. ... I have never spoken to him on the phone, no. I've speak -- I've spoken -- when we had the [[wikipedia:Miss Russia|Miss Universe]] contest a number of years ago, we had Miss Universe in Moscow, in the Moscow area, he was invited. He wanted to come. He wasn't able to come. That would have been a time when I would have met him. ... I don't know what it means by having a relationship. I mean he was saying very good things about me, but I don't have a relationship with him. I didn't meet him. I haven't spent time with him. I didn't have dinner with him. I didn't go hiking with him. I don't know -- and I wouldn't know him from Adam except I see his picture and I would know what he looks like.
* If our country got along with Russia, that would be a great thing. When Putin goes out and tells everybody -- and you talk about a relationship, but he says Donald Trump is going to win and Donald Trump is a genius, and then I have people saying you should disavow. I said, I'm going to disavow that? ... If we can have a good relationship with Russia and if Russia would help us get rid of ISIS, frankly, as far as I'm concerned, you're talking about tremendous amounts of money and lives and everything else, that would be a positive thing, not a negative thing.
* {{w|NATO}} is going to be just fine. But [[NATO]] countries -- we have 28 countries -- many of them are taking advantage of us because they're not paying. So we're protecting these countries and they're not paying. ... I'm all in favor of NATO. I said NATO is obsolete. I was asked a question by one of your competitors and I said NATO is obsolete, because it's not taking care of terror.
* The people of {{w|Crimea}}, from what I've heard, would rather be with Russia than where they were. And you have to look at that, also. Now, that was under -- just so you understand, that was done under Obama's administration. And as far as the [[Ukraine]] is concerned, it's a mess. And that's under the Obama's administration, with his strong ties to [[NATO]]. So with all of these strong ties to NATO, Ukraine is a mess. [[wikipedia:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Crimea has been taken]]. Don't blame Donald Trump for that.
* No debts. I have very little debt to anybody. I don't need debt. You know, it's very interesting, I'm so liquid, I don't need debt. And if I need debt, if I want debt, I can get it from banks in New York City very easily.
* If you want to get a television today -- I buy thousands of television sets. If I want a television, I would love the buy American-made televisions like they used to have where they had [[wikipedia:General Electric#Television|GE]] and [[wikipedia:Sylvania Electric Products|Sylvania]] and all of the different. Today, it's {{w|Samsung}}, it's [[wikipedia:LG Electronics|LG]], it's {{w|Sony}}. We don't make televisions anymore.
* When I do ties, I bid them out. And I go all over the place. You have companies over in different countries where they devalue their currency and they make it impossible for American companies to compete. The hat, {{w|Make America Great Again}}. I fought like crazy to find a company in this country that could make the hats. And I found one. And they're American-made, but it's -- because I knew the first thing people would do is, where is the hat made. OK, Make America Great.
* He ([[Khizr M. Khan]]) was, you know, very emotional and probably looked like a nice guy to me. His wife, if you look at his wife, she was standing there. She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say. You tell me. But plenty of people have written that. She was extremely quiet. And it looked like she had nothing to say. A lot of people have said that. And personally, I watched him. I wish him the best of luck.
* I'd say we've had a lot of problems with radical Islamic terrorism. That's what I'd say. We have a lot of problems. ... I'd say you've got to take a look at that, because something is going on. And it's not good.
* Well, that sounds - who wrote that? Did Hillary's scriptwriters write it? Because everybody that went out there, we also had [[wikipedia:John R. Allen|John Allen]] who failed with ISIS. I mean, he was a general, Allen, General Allen. He went out. And he was ranting and raving. And then I read a report. He was in there for a number of months. And he failed with ISIS.
* The generals aren't doing so well right now. Now, I have a feeling it may be Obama's fault. But if you look at ISIS… General [[Douglas MacArthur|MacArthur]] and [[George S. Patton|General Patton]], they're spinning in their graves. The generals certainly aren't doing very well right now.
* I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I've done, I've had tremendous success. I think I've done a lot. ... I think they're sacrifices. I think when I can employ thousands and thousands of people, take care of their education, take care of so many things, even in military. I mean, I was very responsible, along with a group of people, for getting the [[wikipedia:Vietnam Veterans Plaza|Vietnam Memorial]] built in [[wikipedia:Lower Manhattan|downtown Manhattan]], which to this day people thank me for.
* I raised, and I have raised, millions of dollars for the vets. I'm helping the vets a lot. I think my popularity with the vets is through the roof, far greater than hers. She's done nothing. All she's done is tell everybody that the vets are in good shape. They're fine. And they're not fine. People are waiting on line for seven days to see a doctor. She thinks it's fine.
* Our country's a mess. And that's why when she makes the speech, she doesn't talk about radical Islam. She doesn't talk about the problems that we have in this country and throughout the world. Many of the problems, she caused. I mean, she created ISIS with her stupidity and her lack of knowledge with her bad judgment.

====August 2016====
[[File:Classified documents at Mar-a-Lago bathroom.jpg|thumb|In my administration, I'm going to enforce all [[laws]] concerning the [[protection]] of classified information. No one will be above the law.]]

* He’s not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.
** Claimed about the Russian president Vladimir Putin after Putin had invaded Crimea, Ukraine and while fighting a war in Donbass, Ukraine, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/31/politics/donald-trump-russia-ukraine-crimea-putin/index.html &quot;Trump says Putin is ‘not going to go into Ukraine,’ despite Crimea&quot;], ''CNN'' (August 1, 2016)

* Don't worry about that baby. I love babies.  I hear that baby crying, I like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don't worry, don't worry. The mom's running around like—don't worry about it, you know. It's young and beautiful and healthy and that's what we want. [...]  Actually, I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here.  That's all right. Don't worry. I, I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I'm speaking. That's OK. People don't understand. That's OK.
** [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-kicks-out-baby-rally-226566 At a rally in Ashburn, Virginia.] (August 2, 2016) 

* He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster.
** On Barack Obama during an interview with [[wikipedia:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. {{citation |date=2016-08-02 |author=Eric Bradner |title=Trump responds to Obama: 'He's a terrible president' |periodical=CNN |url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/}}

* [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] wants to abolish, essentially abolish, the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|second amendment]]. '''If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the second amendment people, maybe there is''', I don't know. But I'll tell you what, that will be a horrible day.
** Rally in [[w:Wilmington, North Carolina|Wilmington, North Carolina]] on August 9, 2016 ({{cite news |title=Donald Trump Suggests ‘Second Amendment People' Could Act Against Hillary Clinton |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |first1=Nick |last1=Corasaniti |authorlink2=w:Maggie Haberman |first2=Maggie |last2=Haberman |date=August 9, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/10/us/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton.html}}; {{cite news |title=Donald Trump hints at assassination of Hillary Clinton by gun rights supporters |first=David |last=Smith |date=August 10, 2016  |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/09/trump-gun-owners-clinton-judges-second-amendment}}).
* In my administration, I'm going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law.
** Statement in a [https://www.c-span.org/video/?414134-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-charlotte-north-carolina campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (18 August 2016)], as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-classified-above-law/ &quot;Yes, Trump Said 'No One Will Be Above the Law' Regarding Protection of Classified Information&quot; (9 June 2023)]

* [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]].
** During a Florida rally at the BB&amp;T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 &quot;Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'&quot;] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (August 10, 2016)

* I will always tell you the truth.
** [https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/8/19/1561877/-Trump-I-will-always-tell-you-the-truth-up-to-30-percent-of-the-time &quot;Trump: “I will always tell you the truth” up to 30 percent of the time&quot;], ''Daily Kos'' (August 19, 2024)

* No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton's policies than African-Americans. If Hillary Clinton's goal was to inflict pain on the African-American community, she could not have done a better job. It's a disgrace. Tonight, I'm asking for the vote of every single African-American citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. The inner cities of our country have been run by the Democratic party for more than fifty years. Their policies have reduced only [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]], joblessness, failing schools and broken homes. It's time to hold Democratic politicians accountable for what they have done to these communities. At what point do we say, &quot;enough?&quot; It's time to hold failed leaders accountable for their results not just their empty words over and over again. Look at what the Democratic party has done to the city as an example and there are many others of Detroit: forty percent of Detroit's residents live in poverty. Half of all Detroit residents do not work and cannot work and can't get a job. Detroit tops the list of most dangerous cities in terms of violent crime. This is the legacy of the Democratic politicians who have run this city. This is the result of the policy agenda embraced by Hillary Clinton: thirty-three thousand emails gone. The only way to change results is to change leadership. We can never fix our problems by relying on the same politicians who created our problems in the first place. A new future requires brand new leadership. Look how much African-American communities suffered under Democratic control. To those I say the following: What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump. What do you have to lose? I say it again, what do you have to lose. Look, what do you have to lose? You're living your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs. Fifty-eight percent of your youth is unemployed? What the hell do you have to lose? And at the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over ninety-five percent of the African-American vote. I promise you.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5B5m1S5VTA Speech to the African-American community in Dimondale, Michigan] (August 19, 2016)

* I'm going to be working for you. I'm not going to have time to go play golf.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2017/02/13/trump-used-to-have-a-slightly-different-opinion-of-presidents-playing-golf/?utm_term=.d2f026a42e9c Trump used to have a slightly different opinion of presidents playing golf] by Phillip Bump, Washington Post, August 8 Virginia rally (August 20, 2016)

* Immigration security, we need to protect American jobs. We need to protect American safety. We're going to build a wall folks, don't worry, we're going to build a wall. That wall will go up so fast, your heads will spin. And you'll say, &quot;you know, know he meant it!&quot; And you know what else I mean? Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
** On immigration at a rally in Akron, Ohio (22 August 2016)

* It's our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us.
** Immigration speech (31 August 2016), quoted in [http://fox59.com/2016/08/31/donald-trump-delivers-immigration-speech-after-meeting-with-mexican-president/ &quot;Donald Trump delivers immigration speech after meeting with Mexican president&quot;] by CNN Wire, ''[[wikipedia:WXIN|Fox 59]]''.

* The fundamental problem with the immigration system in our country is that it serves the needs of wealthy donors, political activists and powerful politicians. Let me tell you who it doesn’t serve: it doesn’t serve you, the American people.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* When politicians talk about immigration reform, they usually mean the following: amnesty, open borders, and lower wages. Immigration reform should mean something else entirely: it should mean improvements to our laws and policies to make life better for American citizens. But if we are going to make our immigration system work, then we have to be prepared to talk honestly and without fear about these important and sensitive issues.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* To all the politicians, donors and special interests, hear these words from me today: there is only one core issue in the immigration debate and it is this: the well-being of the American people. Nothing even comes a close second.
** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016)

* You’re stealing my money! You’re stealing my fucking money! What the fuck is this? Why are you letting him steal my fucking money?
** When informed he was by law required to fund a transition.[https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team]

* Fuck the law. I don’t give a fuck about the law. I want my fucking money.
** When informed he was by law required to fund a transition.[https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team]

=====Speech at rally in Wilmington, North Carolina (August 9, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;Speech at rally in {{w|Wilmington, North Carolina}}. [http://time.com/4445813/donald-trump-second-amendment-speech/ Transcript] (August 9, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm the messenger, but I'll tell you what, the message is the right message.

* $400 million in all cash, anybody know what that looks like? That's a lot of cash. That's a lot of case. And honestly, it's so sad. Think of it, going to [[wikipedia:Iran and state-sponsored terrorism|Iran, a terrorist state]]. Now I happen to think they have plenty of money, we've given then $150 billion, so the $400 million is just, you know – I happen to think it goes into their accounts in Switzerland personally. Now, a lot of people say, &quot;no, no, it's used for terror,&quot; and they use it for terror because it's the number one terror funder – not even close. But I also think that when you have $400 million in cash, different denominations, do you see the size of this? I guess they did release the pictures after all. They released pictures. ... Obama said that he did it because we don't have a working account with Iran. Do you believe that? How long does it take to set up an account? Right? You don't have a working account, you set up an account, right?

* What's going on in this country is insane. And we have people running our country that don't know what they're doing, they're grossly incompetent, and it's time. We have to make change, real change. Not [[wikipedia:Barack Obama presidential campaign, 2008#Slogan|Obama change]], we have to make change.

* We get [[Bowe Bergdahl|Bergdahl]] who was a traitor, and they get five of the greatest killers that they've wanted for eight years. We get Bergdahl — I call it the five for one trade. For the [[wikipedia:Iran nuclear deal framework|Iran deal]], where we get nothing, we get nothing. They get ultimately, they have the path, beautiful path, they'll get way, way earlier than that. They'll get nuclear weapons, so if you get Trump you're going to see a lot of changes to that deal. That'll happen fast.

* Remember {{w|Obamacare}}, &quot;you're going to keep your doctor, you're going to keep your plan, over and over again, you're going to keep your doctor.&quot; It was a lie. And in fact, if he didn't make the lie, he would have never gotten it approved because most Democrats, many of the Democrats didn't want to do it. It was only that, that got them to sign it and to approve it. And it was a lie.

* America first. We get a little tired of these deals where they actually put, and you know why, because of lobbyists and special interests and people representing and people wanting it to happen. It's just not that they want other countries to benefit over us. There are reasons for it and you know, when I raise money, and I'm putting up a lot of money for my own campaign, I'm funding me. And I'm raising for the Republican party. And we're getting a lot of money from the small donors.

* '''Those cameras are not going on the move unless we have a protester. If we had a protester that's the only time they move because they're showing something that in their mind is a bad thing, so then they move.''' But I like that, I've always liked my protesters because the cameras show these massive crowds and people say wow, was that a big crowd.

* She (Hillary Clinton) lacks judgment, she lacks temperament and I'm the one that used unfit many, many months ago. And now they've turned it around, use it on me, unfit? I'm unfit? That's — that's a first. But she lacks the temperament and the moral character to lead this country, its very simple. She really does. She's a dangerous person who doesn't tell the truth which has been proven very loudly. I've never seen a — I don't think we've ever had greater proof of that, of anybody. And she has disregarded the lives of Americans — you see what's happening — with what she has done with her server? And you know why she did that. So, I just look at this, and I said that if she gets elected, she will cause the destruction of this country from within. Remember that. ... She is disdainful of the rules set for everyone else and she hasn't changed a bit. This is — that was the good thing. I couldn't say the bad things. It was too much. Nobody would even — nobody would even believe it. You've got to see this book. Nobody would believe because it's so terrible, so terrible. And she comes across like this woman — nice, easy — but she's not. And — and she's — listen — she's not a leader, not a leader. And she is a liar.

* '''[[France]] isn't France anymore.''' We're not going. And so many people are saying that. Look at what's going on with [[Germany]]. Look at what's happening with Germany. Look at the crime; look at the problems. We have enough problems in our country right now. We don't need additional problems, folks. We don't need additional problems. And for all we know, this could be the great [[Trojan Horse]]. This could be. We don't know who these people are. ... We have to get smart, folks. We don't need the problems — and we've already got those problems, just so you understand. Because they're coming into the country, they're being put where nobody even knows where they are. It's like, if I were the enemy, I would say, I can't believe they're that stupid. They're taking my people and they're putting them all over the place, because you have great military right here.

* [[wikipedia:Hillary Clinton email controversy|33,000 e-mails are missing]]. And she's so guilty. She's so guilty.

* Could you imagine if I said that &quot;I short circuited&quot;? They would be calling for my execution, — electric chair. They'd bring back the electric chair. It would be a whole different ball game if I said it, believe me.

* [[wikipedia:Economic policy of Barack Obama|Obama-Clinton economic policies]] have produced 1.2 percent economic growth, the weakest so-called [[wikipedia:Financial crisis of 2007–08#Stabilization|recovery]] since the Great Depression. Now, this is, like, unbelievable — 1.2. Do you know China goes to 7 percent or 8 percent, it's like a national catastrophe. Now, what they do is they cut their currency. They devalue their currency, and big league, and then all of our businesses continue to be drained out of the United States. Our money, our jobs. They make our product, they sell our product to us. No tax, no nothing, you devalue — see devaluing is sort of cheating.

* I see the carnage that [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#NAFTA|NAFTA has caused]], I see the carnage. It's been horrible. ... It's a suicidal pact for our country. And you know I've watched for years.

* I like Mexico. And I respect the leaders of Mexico because they're much smarter, they're much street smarter, but they're much smarter and more cunning than our leaders. But you have to see what's going on.

* I can't believe I'm saying I'm a politician.

* The Bernie ones were — they had a lot more spirit. I think we're going to get a lot of Bernie voters, if you want to know the truth. Because they do understand that trade is killing us. Trade.

* The [[national debt]] has doubled. And you know the bad part about that? You think if the national debt has doubled, our infrastructure would be great, our country would be in great shape. We'd have beautiful roads, beautiful highways. You see where like 50 percent of the bridges are in danger in this country. And the roadways are a mess.

* We have great people. We have the most loyal people. We have the smartest people. You know, so many of my people, they're so smart. They like to say, well, Trump, I don't know if he's got this right — let me tell you, we have the smartest people. We have the people that are the smartest, and the strongest, and the best and the hardest working. We have the smartest people. We'll put I.Q.s among — some of us, we couldn't say all of us, right — against any I.Q.s that we — we have to deal with, that I can tell you. I would love to do that.

* Today, [[wikipedia:Home-ownership in the United States|homeownership]] is at its lowest rate in 51 years. ... Lowest that its been in so many years, 51 years. Nearly 12 million people and more Americans are dependent on food stamps and 2 million more Latino Americans live in poverty under Obama and Clinton — under Obama; because Clinton's just gonna carry on.

* Hillary wants to raise taxes. It's a comparison. I want to lower them.

* If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is. I don't know. But — but I'll tell you what. That will be a horrible day. If — if Hillary gets to put her judges — right now, we're tied. You see what's going on.

* Hillary essentially wants to abolish the Second Amendment.

* Hillary and President Obama refused to use the term radical {{w|Islamic terrorism}}. Big problem. Big problem. Hillary wants to release violent criminals and criminal offenders from prison, that's wonderful, enjoy yourselves. I want to work with our police. Our police are so incredible, they're not getting the respect they deserve.

* We have to respect and cherish our police.

* We're fighting a political correct war. It's a political correct war. I mean, you know what's going on. You know what's going on. These are people that chop off heads. These are people that, in steel cages, drop steel cages into the waters and drowned large numbers of people. These are people that buried people in the sand. We've got to knock them out. I was against the war in Iraq. We shouldn't have been to the war in Iraq. It destabilized the Middle East and I said that was going to happen. But we shouldn't have gotten out the way we got out. The way we got out was insane. And Obama gave a date, and he — and that's how ISIS happened, folks. Hence, the birth of ISIS.

* If I'm ISIS, I call her (Hillary Clinton) up and I give her the most valuable player award. ... And I guarantee you with Libya, which was her baby, and all of the other mistakes she has made. Obama takes now, because obviously, for him, that's the better alternative, all right? But he has been an incompetent president. He has done a horrible job.

=====Speech in Jackson, Mississippi (August 24, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;Speech in {{w|Jackson, Mississippi}}. As quoted by ''{{w|CBS}}'' and ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' [http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/08/24/trump-clinton-bigot/][http://www.thehindu.com/news/international/republican-presidential-candidate-donald-trump-speaks-at-an-election-rally-in-mississippi/article9031151.ece] (August 24, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Hillary Clinton is a bigot who sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future.''' She's going to do nothing for African-Americans. She's going to do nothing for the Hispanics. She's only going to take care of herself, her consultants, her donors, these are the people she cares about. She doesn't care what her policies have done to your communities. She doesn't care. Remember this, you've had her policies — Democrats running some of the inner cities for 50, 70, 80, even over 100 years. And look what you have right now: poverty, no education, crime, you can't walk down the street with your child. We're going to fix it. Hillary Clinton has no remorse. I will fight to create a better future for every American.
* Eight years of Obama-Clinton policies have sacrificed our safety and undermined our freedom and independence. ... The Obama-Clinton foreign policy has unleashed ISIS, destabilised the Middle East and put the nation of Iran — which chants [[Death to America]] — in a dominant position of regional power and, in fact, aspiring to be a dominant world power.
* Our jobs have moved overseas, Islamic terrorism has spread within our shores and an open border has crushed low-income workers and threatened our security. The issues we face here in America are similar to the issues faced in Britain during their referendum on membership in the EU. This is the movement known as Brexit
* Hillary wants to surrender America to globalism. She wants a country without borders. She wants trade deals written for the benefit of foreign corporations. She wants a government that ignores the will of the people. She wants to sell out American security to the Clinton Foundation for a pile of cash. It is hard to tell where the Clinton Foundation ends and the [[United States Department of State|State Department]] begins. ... Hillary Clinton has betrayed her duty to the people.
* The job of a public official is to serve and protect the citizens of the United States. Not illegal immigrants, not foreign nationals seeking entry, but the people living here lawfully today — including millions of African-American and Hispanic citizens.
* I will fight for their security, I will fight for their jobs, I will fight for their families. One American Nation.
* It's time for America to recapture its destiny. Our government, our leaders, and our media have lost touch with the people. You need no better evidence of that than the fact that the media ignores the plight of Americans who have lost their children to illegal immigrants, but spends day after day pushing for amnesty for those here in violation of the law.
* This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction, terrorism and weakness. But Hillary Clinton's legacy doesn't have to be America's legacy.
* I have a message for the terrorists trying to kill our citizens: we will find you, we will destroy you, and we will win. This is not only a military fight, but we will also require cyberwarfare and financial warfare. It is also an ideological fight. We will confront directly the hateful ideology of Radical Islam — and promote American values, and American culture, and America's system of government.

====September 2016====
* We can't have someone in the Oval Office who doesn't understand the meaning of the word &quot;confidential&quot; or &quot;classified&quot;.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/donald-trump-classified-information/ Trump campaign speech in Greenville, North Carolina] (6 September 2016)

* For the first time in a long while, [[Hillary Clinton|her]] true feelings came out, showing bigotry and hatred for millions of Americans. How can she be President of our country when she has such contempt and disdain for so many great Americans?
** {{cite news |title=Clinton walks back 'deplorables' comment: I 'regret' using the term to describe 'half' of Trump's supporters |first=Beremy |last=Berke |work=[[w:Business Insider|Business Insider]] |date=10 September 2016 |url=http://www.businessinsider.com/clinton-regrets-deplorables-comment-2016-9/}}

* While my opponent slanders you as deplorable... I call you hard-working, American patriots.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?415085-1/donald-trump-campaigns-ashville-north-carolina Donald Trump Campaign Rally in Ashville, North Carolina], ''C-SPAN.org'' (12 September 2016).

*OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things…I also watch TV…OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb…&lt;br&gt;Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward…I actually don't have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time. 
**[https://www.newsmax.com/thewire/jimmy-fallon-donald-trump-mess-up-hair/2016/09/16/id/748677/ 15 September 2016 to Jimmy Fallon]

* Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. You know what I mean. President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period. Now we all want to get back to making America strong and great again.
** {{cite news |title=Trump finally says Obama born in U.S., blames Clinton for controversy |work=USA Today |date=16 September 2016 |url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2016/2016/09/16/donald-trump-barack-obama-hillary-clinton-presidential-campaign-birtherism/90471868/}}
** [[wikipedia:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Conspiracy theories about Barack Obama's citizenship]] were not started by Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign according to ''[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/fact-checking-donald-trumps-claim-hillary-clinton-/ PolitiFact.com]'', and Trump continued to question Obama's citizenship for years after he released his long-form birth certificate in 2011[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/donald-trumps-pants-fire-claim-he-finished-obama-b/].

* People don't know how great you are. People don't know how smart you are. These are the smart people. These are the smart people. These are really the smart people. And they never like to say it, but I say it. And I'm a smart person. These are the smart. We have the smartest people. We have the smartest people. And they know it. Some say it, but they hate to say it. But we have the smartest people.
** Council Bluffs, Iowa, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-09-29 |title=Donald Trump's Bizarre Speech: 'You Are The Smartest People' |periodical=Leading Britain's Conversation |url=https://www.lbc.co.uk/politics/us-election/donald-trump/donald-trumps-bizarre-speech-smartest-people/}}

* On the question if he would honor the results of the election should he lose:&lt;br&gt;&quot;We're going to have to see. We're going to see what happens. We're going to have to see.&quot;
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/01/us/politics/donald-trump-interview-bill-hillary-clinton.html?_r=0 In an interview with the New York Times]; [http://www.nbcnews.com/card/trump-appears-back-pledge-support-clinton-if-she-wins-n657866 Trump Appears to Back Off Pledge to Support Clinton If She Wins], NBC News  (30 September 2016)

=====First presidential debate (September 26, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}''&lt;/small&gt; 

* Our jobs are fleeing the country. They're going to Mexico. They're going to many other countries. You look at what China is doing to our country in terms of making our product. They're devaluing their currency, and there's nobody in our government to fight them. And we have a very good fight. And we have a winning fight. Because they're using our country as a piggy bank to rebuild China, and many other countries are doing the same thing. ... We have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us. We have to stop our companies from leaving the United States and, with it, firing all of their people. ... We cannot let it happen. Under my plan, I'll be reducing taxes tremendously, from 35 percent to 15 percent for companies, small and big businesses. That's going to be a job creator like we haven't seen since [[Ronald Reagan]]. It's going to be a beautiful thing to watch. Companies will come. They will build. They will expand. New companies will start. And I look very, very much forward to doing it. We have to renegotiate our trade deals, and we have to stop these countries from stealing our companies and our jobs.

* Our country's in deep trouble. We don't know what we're doing when it comes to devaluations and all of these countries all over the world, especially China. They're the best, the best ever at it. What they're doing to us is a very, very sad thing.

* But in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, when she started talking about this, it was really very recently. She's been doing this for 30 years. And why hasn't she made the agreements better? The NAFTA agreement is defective. Just because of the tax and many other reasons, but just because of the fact Secretary Clinton and others, politicians, should have been doing this for years, not right now, because of the fact that we've created a movement.

* The first thing you do is don't let the jobs leave. The companies are leaving. I could name, I mean, there are thousands of them. They're leaving, and they're leaving in bigger numbers than ever. And what you do is you say, fine, you want to go to Mexico or some other country, good luck. We wish you a lot of luck. But if you think you're going to make your air conditioners or your cars or your cookies or whatever you make and bring them into our country without a tax, you're wrong. And once you say you're going to have to tax them coming in, and our politicians never do this, because they have special interests and the special interests want those companies to leave, because in many cases, they own the companies. So what I'm saying is, we can stop them from leaving. We have to stop them from leaving. And that's a big, big factor.

* '''CLINTON''': Donald was one of the people who rooted for the [[wikipedia:United States housing bubble|housing crisis]]. He said, back in 2006, &quot;Gee, I hope it does collapse, because then I can go in and buy some and make some money.&quot; Well, it did collapse.
: '''TRUMP''': That's called business, by the way.

* We invested in a solar company, our country. That was a disaster. They lost plenty of money on that one. Now, look, I'm a great believer in all forms of [[energy]], but we're putting a lot of people out of work. Our energy policies are a disaster. Our country is losing so much in terms of energy, in terms of paying off our debt. You can't do what you're looking to do with $20 trillion in debt. The Obama administration, from the time they've come in, is over 230 years' worth of debt, and he's topped it. He's doubled it in a course of almost eight years, seven-and-a-half years, to be semi- exact.

* We have to do a much better job at giving companies incentives to build new companies or to expand, because they're not doing it.

* NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country. And now you [Hillary Clinton] [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Trans-Pacific_Partnership|want to approve Trans-Pacific Partnership]]. You were totally in favor of it. Then you heard what I was saying, how bad it is, and you said, I can't win that debate. But you know that if you did win, you would approve that, and that will be almost as bad as NAFTA. Nothing will ever top NAFTA.

* You are going to approve one of the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Fiscal_policy_and_taxation|biggest tax cuts in history]]. You are going to approve one of the biggest tax increases in history. You are going to drive business out. Your regulations are a disaster, and you're going to increase regulations all over the place. And by the way, my tax cut is the biggest since [[wikipedia:Reaganomics|Ronald Reagan]]. I'm very proud of it. It will create tremendous numbers of new jobs. But regulations, you are going to regulate these businesses out of existence. ... The things that business as in people like the most is the fact that I'm cutting regulation. You have regulations on top of regulations, and new companies cannot form and old companies are going out of business. And you want to increase the regulations and make them even worse. I'm going to cut regulations. I'm going to cut taxes big league, and you're going to raise taxes big league, end of story.

* She's telling us how to fight ISIS. Just go to her website. She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website. I don't think General [[Douglas MacArthur]] would like that too much. ... See, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.

* I'm really calling for major jobs, because the wealthy are going create tremendous jobs. They're going to expand their companies. They're going to do a tremendous job. I'm getting rid of the carried interest provision. And if you really look, it's not a tax -- it's really not a great thing for the wealthy. It's a great thing for the middle class. It's a great thing for companies to expand.

* We have the worst revival of an economy since the [[Great Depression]]. And believe me: '''We're in a bubble right now. And the only thing that looks good is the [[stock market]], but if you raise [[interest]] rates even a little bit, that's going to come [[Stock market crash|crashing down]].'''

* I will release them as soon as the [[Auditor|audit]]. Look, I've been under audit almost for 15 years. I know a lot of wealthy people that have never been audited. I said, do you get audited? I get audited almost every year. And in a way, I should be complaining. I'm not even complaining. I don't mind it. It's almost become a way of life. I get audited by the [[IRS]]. But other people don't. I will say this. We have a situation in this country that has to be taken care of. I will release my tax returns -- against my lawyer's wishes -- when she [Hillary Clinton] releases her 33,000 e-mails that have been deleted. As soon as she releases them, I will release.
** About releasing his tax returns.

* That makes me smart.
** About that Trump didn't pay [[wikipedia:Income tax in the United States|federal income taxes]].

* That was more than a mistake. That was done purposely. OK? That was not a mistake. That was done purposely. When you have your staff taking the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]], taking the Fifth so they're not prosecuted, when you have the man that set up the illegal server taking the Fifth, I think it's disgraceful.
** About {{w|Hillary Clinton email controversy}}

* As far as my tax returns, you don't learn that much from tax returns. That I can tell you. You learn a lot from financial disclosure. And you should go down and take a look at that.

* I am very under[[wiktionary:leverage|leveraged]]. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It's because it's about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money.

* Maybe he didn't do a good job and I was unsatisfied with his work ... On occasion, four times, we used certain laws that are there. And when Secretary Clinton talks about people that didn't get paid, first of all, they did get paid a lot, but taken advantage of the laws of the nation. Now, if you want to change the laws, you've been there a long time, change the laws. But I take advantage of the laws of the nation because I'm running a company. My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies. And that's what I do. ... She [Hillary Clinton] doesn't say is that tens of thousands of people that are unbelievably happy and that love me.
** About not having paid to some of his employees.

* We need law and order. If we don't have it, we're not going to have a country. ... We need law and order in our country.

* We have a situation where we have our inner cities, [[African American|African- Americans]], [[w:Hispanic American|Hispanics]] are living in hell because it's so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot.

* Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago you do [[wikipedia:Frisking|stop and frisk]], which worked very well, [[Rudy Giuliani|Mayor Giuliani]] is here, [[wikipedia:Stop-and-frisk in New York City|worked very well in New York]]. It brought the crime rate way down. But you take the gun away from criminals that shouldn't be having it. We have [[wikipedia:Gangs in the United States|gangs roaming the street]]. And in many cases, they're illegally here, [[illegal immigrants]]. And they have guns. And they shoot people. And we have to be very strong. And we have to be very vigilant.

* Our police, in many cases, are afraid to do anything. We have to protect our inner cities, because African-American communities are being decimated by crime, decimated.

* '''HOLT''': Stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York, because it largely singled out black and Hispanic young men.
: '''TRUMP''': No, you're wrong. It went before a judge, who was a very against-police judge. It was taken away from her. And our mayor, our new mayor, refused to go forward with the case. They would have won an appeal. If you look at it, throughout the country, there are many places where it's allowed.
: '''HOLT''': The argument is that it's a form of racial profiling.
: '''TRUMP''': No, the argument is that we have to take the guns away from these people that have them and they are bad people that shouldn't have them.

* You need more police. You need a better community, you know, relation. ... You need better relationships between the communities and the police, because in some cases, it's not good.

* So when you [Hillary Clinton] tried to act holier than thou, it really doesn't work. It really doesn't.

* We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. I don't think anybody knows it was Russia that [[wikipedia:Democratic National Committee cyber attacks|broke into the DNC]]. She's saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don't -- maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?

* We have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare.

* President Obama and Secretary Clinton created a vacuum the way they got [[wikipedia:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq|out of Iraq]], because they got out -- what, they shouldn't have been in, but once they got in, the way they got out was a disaster. And ISIS was formed.

* I said it to you once, had we taken the [[oil]] -- and we should have taken the oil -- ISIS would not have been able to form either, because the [[wikipedia:Oil production and smuggling in ISIL|oil was their primary source of income]]. And now they have the oil all over the place, including the oil -- a lot of the oil in Libya, which was another one of her disasters.

* You [Hillary Clinton] look at the Middle East, you started the Iran deal, that's another beauty where you have a country that was ready to fall, I mean, they were doing so badly. They were choking on the sanctions. And now they're going to be actually probably a major power at some point pretty soon, the way they're going.

* I think we have to get [[NATO]] to go into the Middle East with us, in addition to surrounding nations, and we have to knock the hell out of ISIS, and we have to do it fast, when ISIS formed in this vacuum created by Barack Obama and Secretary Clinton. And believe me, you were the ones that took out the troops. ... When they formed, this is something that never should have happened. It should have never happened. Now, you're talking about taking out ISIS. But you were there, and you were secretary of state when it was a little infant. Now it's in over 30 countries. And you're going to stop them? I don't think so.

* I think the best person in her [Clinton's] campaign is mainstream media.

* The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not global warming, like you think and your -- your president thinks.

====October 2016====
* I'd never withdraw. I've never withdrawn in my life.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/amid-growing-calls-to-drop-out-trump-vows-to-never-withdraw/2016/10/08/8c0b5b7a-8d68-11e6-bff0-d53f592f176e_story.html?postshare=8561475940907652&amp;tid=ss_tw phone call to the Washington Post] (8 October 2016)

* So important that you get out and vote. So important that you watch other communities, because we don't want this election stolen from us. We don't want this election stolen from us.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/11/donald-trump-unplugged-as-ever/ Transcript of speech] at [[wikipedia:Ambridge, Pennsylvania|Ambridge, Pennsylvania]] (October 10, 2016)

* '''Donald Trump''': Now, he's supposed to look like Donald Trump, but he's actually much too good looking. ''[to toddler]'' You are really handsome... Do you want to go back to [your parents] or do you want to stay with Donald Trump?&lt;br&gt;'''Toddler''': Trump.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snou8qrElnM Little Trump Look-Alike Comes on Stage with Donald in Wilkes-Barre 10/10/16], [[wikipedia:Right Side Broadcasting Network|Right Side Broadcasting]], ''YouTube''. Quoted in [http://people.com/politics/donald-trump-meets-his-mini-me-at-pennsylvania-rally/ &quot;Donald Trump Meets His Mini-Me at Pennsylvania Rally&quot;] by Dave Quinn, ''People.com'' (October 11, 2016).

* This event gives not only the candidates' chance to be with each other in very social setting it's also allowing the candidates the opportunity to meet the other candidate team, good team, I know Hillary met my campaign manager and I got chance meet people who are working so hard to get her elected, there they are...the head of NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, there's the New York Times right over there and the Washington Post, they're working overtime, it's true...true... Oh this one gonna get me a trouble...
** Speech at the Al Smith Charity Dinner, 2016

* Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends and her donors.
* Honestly, she should be locked up. She should be. Should be locked up.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/14/us/politics/trump-comments-linked-to-antisemitism.html at a rally in West Palm Beach, Florida] (October 13, 2016)

* She [Clinton] walks in front of me, she walks in front of me, you know. And when she walked in front of me, believe me I wasn't impressed.
* Reporters at [[The New York Times]] are not journalists. They're corporate lobbyists for [[Carlos Slim Helú|Carlos Slim]] and Hillary Clinton.
* Believe me: She [one of the women accusing him of sexual assault] would not be my first choice, that I can tell you.
** [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/14/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-appearance-debate/ at a rally in Greensboro, N.C.] Also quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/15/us/politics/trump-speech-highlights.html?hp&amp;action=click&amp;pgtype=Homepage&amp;clickSource=story-heading&amp;module=first-column-region&amp;region=top-news&amp;WT.nav=top-news Donald Trump's Barrage of Heated Rhetoric Has Little Precedent] (October 14, 2016)

* Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt - and when I say corrupt, I'm talking about totally corrupt - political establishment [Obamacare] with a new government controlled by you, the American people. There is nothing the political establishment will not do. No lie that they won't tell to hold their prestige and power at your expense and that's what's been happening. The Washington establishment and the financial and media corporations that funded exist for only one reason: to protect and enrich itself. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. As an example, just one single trade deal they'd like to pass involves trillions of dollars controlled by many countries, corporations, and lobbyists. For those who controlled the levels of power in Washington, and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. Our campaign represents a true existential threat like they haven't seen before. 
** At a campaign rally in Florida (13 October 2016)

* No, no, lot of things are going on folks, lot of things. I think she's actually getting pumped up, if you want to know the truth, she's getting pumped up, you understand? In fact we're going to be talking about that in a few minutes. She's getting pumped up for Wednesday night. Let's see. You know, I don't know, maybe, we're like athletes, right? Hey, look, I beat seventeen senators, governors, I beat all these people, we're like athletes. Hillary beat Bernie, although it looks like Bernie got a little bit of a bad deal based on Wikileaks, right? If you look at Wikileaks. But we're like athletes, right? So athletes, they're making them more and more, but athletes, they make them take a drug test, right? I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate, I do. I think we should, why don't we do that? We should take a drug test, prior, because I don't know what's going on with her. But at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end it was like, &quot;Uh, take me down.&quot; She could barely reach her car. So I think we should take a drug test, I'm, er, anyway I'm willing to do it.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mE7YkeasOA At a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, about his rival Hillary Clinton's performance during the presidential debates] (15 October 2016)

* Such a nasty woman. [of Hillary Clinton]
** Third Presidential debate (19 October 2016), [http://fortune.com/2016/10/19/presidential-debate-third-transcript/ full transcript] at ''[[wikipedia:Fortune (magazine)|fortune.com]]''.

* I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election, ''if I win''.
** 20 October 2016, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Donald Trump: 'I will totally accept' election results 'if I win' |author=Jeremy Diamond |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/20/politics/donald-trump-i-will-totally-accept-election-results-if-i-win/index.html}}

*Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate commission.
**Al Smith dinner speech, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37724391 20 October 2016]

* I'm going to fight for every American in every last part of this nation.  We have a president who doesn't fight.  He goes out and plays golf all the time.   
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] October 23 rally

*She didn't know what to do, well how did you get him, uh well uh... they were sent by Russia! You know they're always using Russia
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smKITCJJMnc&amp;t=18m30s October 25, 2016 rally in Sanford] regarding [[Donna Brazile]]

* And I have to give the [[Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]] credit, that was so bad, what happened, originally, and it took guts for [[James Comey|Director Comey]] to make the move that he made, in light of the kind of opposition he had, with their trying to protect her from criminal prosecution, you know that. It took a lot of guts, I really disagreed with him, I was not his fan, but I'll tell you what, what he did, he brought back his reputation, he brought it back. He's got to hang tough, because there's a lot of, lotta people, want him to do the wrong thing, what he did was the right thing.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/10/31/donald-trump-james-comey-has-guts-grand-rapids-sot.cnn At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan] shortly after Comey announced the FBI would investigate further emails relating to Hillary Clinton, but before his statement that no incriminating information was found within them (31 October 2016)

=====Second presidential debate (October 9, 2016)=====
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/10/us/politics/transcript-second-debate.html Transcript], ''{{w|New York Times}}''&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''[[Anderson Cooper]]''': You bragged that you have [[Sexual assault|sexually assaulted]] women. Do you understand that?&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': No, I didn't say that at all. I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk.

* I have great respect for women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

* ...if I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hilary Clinton's] situation, because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it, and we're going to have a special prosecutor.

* '''Hillary Clinton''': ...it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country.&lt;br&gt;'''Donald Trump''': Because you'd be in jail.

* '''Cooper''': Please allow her to respond. She didn't talk while you talked.&lt;br&gt;'''Clinton''': Yes, that's true, I didn't.&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Because you have nothing to say.

* '''[[wikipedia:Martha Raddatz|Martha Raddatz]]''': ...you, Secretary Clinton, purportedly say you need both a public and private position on certain issues....&lt;br&gt;'''Clinton''': As I recall, that was something I said about [[Abraham Lincoln]] after having seen [[Lincoln (2012 film)|the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie]] ...&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Now she's blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. That's one that I haven't... OK, Honest Abe, Honest Abe never lied. That's the good thing. That's the big difference between Abraham Lincoln and you. That's a big, big difference. We're talking about some difference.

* I know nothing about Russia. I know — I know about Russia, but I know nothing about the inner workings of Russia.

* '''Cooper''': Did you use that $916 million loss to avoid paying personal federal income taxes for years?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump''': Of course I do. Of course I do. And so do all of her donors, or most of her donors. ... I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I absolutely used it. And so did Warren Buffett and so did George Soros and so did many of the other people that Hillary is getting money from. 

* ...NAFTA, signed by her husband, is perhaps the greatest disaster trade deal in the history of the world.

====November 2016====
* I'm also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Sam Stein | date=2016-11-03 |title=Donald Trump Is Honored To Have The Greatest Temperament, Donald Trump Says | periodical=Huffington Post | url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-temperament_n_581b75d3e4b0b8e11a135eac}} 

* Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt political establishment with a new government controlled by you, the American people. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. For those who control the levers of power in Washington and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. The political establishment that is trying to stop us is the same group responsible for our disastrous trade deals, massive illegal immigration and economic and foreign policies that have bled our country dry. The political establishment has brought about the destruction of our factories and our jobs as they flee to Mexico, China and other countries all around the world. It's a global power structure that is responsible for the economic decisions that have robbed our working class, stripped our country of its wealth and put that money into the pockets of a handful of large corporations and political entities. The only thing that can stop this corrupt machine is you. The only force strong enough to save our country is us. The only people brave enough to vote out this corrupt establishment is you, the American people. I'm doing this for the people and the movement and we will take back this country for you and we will make America great again. I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message.
** Closing argument for America (4 November 2016)
*** Lines recycled from Trump's campaign rally in West Palm Beach, FL (10/13/2016)

* No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/10/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript.html Victory Speech] (9 November 2016)

* I think I'm a sober person. I think the press tries to make you into something a little bit different. In my case, a little bit of a wild man, I'm not, I'm actually not. I'm a very sober person.
** During an interview on 60 Minutes (11 November 2016)

* Today, I would like to provide the American people with an update on the White House transition and our policy plans for the first 100 days. Our transition team is working very smoothly, efficiently, and effectively.  Truly great and talented men and women, patriots indeed are being brought in and many will soon be a part of our government, helping us to [[Make America Great Again]]. My agenda will be based on a simple core principle: putting [[America First (policy)|America First]]. Whether it's producing steel, building cars, or curing disease, I want the next generation of production and innovation to happen right here, in our great homeland: America – creating wealth and jobs for American workers. As part of this plan, I've asked my transition team to develop a list of executive actions we can take on day one to restore our laws and bring back our jobs. It's about time. These include the following: On trade, I am going to issue our notification of intent to withdraw from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a potential disaster for our country.  Instead, we will negotiate fair, bilateral trade deals that bring jobs and industry back onto American shores. On energy, I will cancel job-killing restrictions on the production of American energy – including [[w:Shale energy|shale energy]] and [[w:Clean coal|clean coal]] – creating many millions of high-paying jobs.  That's what we want, that's what we've been waiting for. On regulation, I will formulate a rule which says that for every one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated, it's so important. On [[national security]], I will ask the [[w:United States Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to develop a comprehensive plan to protect America's vital infrastructure from cyber-attacks, and all other form of attacks. On immigration, I will direct the [[w:United States Department of Labor|Department of Labor]] to investigate all abuses of visa programs that undercut the American worker. On ethics reform, as part of our plan to Drain the Swamp, we will impose a five-year ban on executive officials becoming lobbyists after they leave the Administration – and a lifetime ban on executive officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government. These are just a few of the steps we will take to reform Washington and rebuild our middle class. I will provide more updates in the coming days, as we work together to Make America Great Again for everyone.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xX_KaStFT8 A Message from President-Elect Donald J. Trump] (21 November 2016)

* We are very blessed to call this nation our home. And that is what America is: it is our home. It's where we raise our families, care for our loved ones, look out for our neighbors, and live out our dreams. It is my prayer, that on this Thanksgiving, we begin to heal our divisions and move forward as one country, strengthened by a shared purpose and very, very common resolve. In declaring this national holiday, President Lincoln called upon Americans to speak with &quot;one voice and one heart.&quot; That's just what we have to do. We have just finished a long and bruising political campaign. Emotions are raw and tensions just don't heal overnight. It doesn't go quickly, unfortunately, but we have before us the chance now to make history together to bring real change to Washington, real safety to our cities, and real prosperity to our communities, including our inner cities. So important to me, and so important to our country. But to succeed, we must enlist the effort of our entire nation. This historic political campaign is now over. Now begins a great national campaign to rebuild our country and to restore the full promise of America for all of our people. I am asking you to join me in this effort. It is time to restore the bonds of trust between citizens. Because when America is unified, there is nothing beyond our reach, and I mean absolutely nothing. Let us give thanks for all that we have, and let us boldly face the exciting new frontiers that lie ahead. Thank you. God Bless You and God Bless America.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUnv6Kb7syQ A Thanksgiving Message from President-Elect Donald J. Trump] (23 November 2016)

=====''New York Times'' Interview (November 23, 2016)=====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|New York Times}}'' Interview, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/us/politics/trump-new-york-times-interview-transcript.html?smid=tw-share Transcript] (November 23, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;
* People are giving up tremendous careers in order to be subject to you folks and subject to a lot of other folks. But they're giving up a lot. I mean some are giving up tremendous businesses in order to sit for four or maybe eight or whatever the period of time is. But I think we're going to see some tremendous talent, tremendous talent coming in. We have many people for every job. I mean no matter what the job is, we have many incredible people. I think, [[wikipedia:Reince Priebus|Reince]], you can sort of just confirm that. The quality of the people is very good. ... We're trying very hard to get the best people. Not necessarily people that will be the most politically correct people, because that hasn't been working. So we have really experts in the field. Some are known and some are not known, but they're known within their field as being the best. That's very important to me.
* I think the popular vote would have been easier in a true sense because you'd go to a few places. I think that's the genius of the [[w:United States Electoral College|Electoral College]]. I was never a fan of the Electoral College until now.
* What we do want to do is we want to bring the country together, because the country is very, very divided, and that's one thing I did see, big league. It's very, very divided, and I'm going to work very hard to bring the country together.
* I want to move forward, I don't want to move back. And I don't want to hurt the Clintons. I really don't. She went through a lot. And suffered greatly in many different ways. And I am not looking to hurt them at all. The campaign was vicious. They say it was the most vicious primary and the most vicious campaign. I guess, added together, it was definitely the most vicious; probably, I assume you sold a lot of newspapers. ... It's just not something that I feel very strongly about. ... I'm not looking to look back and go through this. This was a very painful period. This was a very painful election with all of the email things and all of the foundation things and all of the everything that they went through and the whole country went through. This was a very painful period of time.
** About not prosecuting Hillary Clinton.
* Our country's really in bad, big trouble. We have a lot of trouble. A lot of problems. And one of the big problems, I talk about, [[divisiveness]]. I think that a lot of people will appreciate … I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm doing it because it's time to go in a different direction.
* '''Clean air is vitally important. Clean water, crystal clean water is vitally important. Safety is vitally important.'''
* Sometimes I'll say I'm actually an [[environmentalist]] and people will smile in some cases and other people that know me understand that's true. Open mind.
* We're not a competitive nation with other nations anymore. We have to make ourselves competitive. We're not competitive for a lot of reasons. That's becoming more and more of the reason. Because a lot of these countries that we do business with, they make deals with our president, or whoever, and then they don't adhere to the deals, you know that. And it's much less expensive for their companies to produce products. So I'm going to be studying that very hard, and I think I have a very big voice in it. And I think my voice is listened to, especially by people that don't believe in it. And we'll let you know.
* As far as the, you know, potential conflict of interests, though, I mean I know that from the standpoint, the law is totally on my side, meaning, the president can't have a conflict of interest. That's been reported very widely. Despite that, I don't want there to be a conflict of interest anyway. And the laws, the president can't. And I understand why the president can't have a conflict of interest now because everything a president does in some ways is like a conflict of interest.
* I don't care about my company. ... Because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is running our country.
* It's hard to explain. I don't care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country.
* In theory I could run my business perfectly, and then run the country perfectly. And there's never been a case like this where somebody's had, like, if you look at other people of wealth, they didn't have this kind of asset and this kind of wealth, frankly. It's just a different thing.
* I've known [[Steve Bannon]] a long time. If I thought he was a [[Racism in the United States|racist]], or [[alt-right]], or any of the things that we can, you know, the terms we can use, I wouldn't even think about hiring him. First of all, I'm the one that makes the decision, not Steve Bannon or anybody else.
* To me more important is taking care of the people that really have proven to be, to love Donald Trump, as opposed to the political people. And frankly if the political people don't take care of these people, they're not going to win and you're going to end up with maybe a total different kind of government than what you're looking at right now. These people are really angry. They're smart, they're workers, and they're angry. I call them the forgotten men and women. And I use that in speeches, I say they're the forgotten people — they were totally forgotten.
* I would love to be able to be the one that made peace with Israel and the Palestinians. I would love that, that would be such a great achievement. Because nobody's been able to do it. ...  I've had a lot of, actually, great Israeli businesspeople tell me, you can't do that, it's impossible. I disagree, I think you can make peace. I think people are tired now of being shot, killed. At some point, when do they come? I think we can do that. I have reason to believe I can do that.
* [[The Times]] is, it's a great, great American jewel. A world jewel.

====December 2016====
* There is no global anthem, no global [[currency]], no certificate of global [[citizenship]], we pledge allegiance to one flag and that flag is the [[Flag of the United States|American Flag]]!
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBqIUF-cdgY#t=15m38s Thank You Tour - Cincinnati, Ohio] (1 December 2016)

* Funny how that term caught on, isn't it? I tell everyone, I hated it. Somebody said 'drain the swamp' and I said, 'Oh, that is so hokey. That is so terrible.' I said, all right, I'll try it. So like a month ago I said 'drain the swamp' and the place went crazy. And I said 'Whoa, what's this?' Then I said it again. And then I start saying it like I meant it, right? And then I started to love it, and the place loved it. Drain the swamp. It's true. It's true. Drain the swamp.
** [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/21/trump-adviser-says-he-is-ditching-drain-the-swamp.html During a rally in Des Moines, Iowa] (December 2016)

* We will pursue a new foreign policy that finally learns from the mistakes of the past. We will stop looking to topple regimes and overthrow governments. ... Our goal is stability, not chaos, because we want to rebuild our country. It's time.
** Speaking at U.S. Bank Arena, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-12-01 |title=Trump's new foreign policy: 'We will stop looking to topple regimes' |author=Anna Giaritelli |periodical={{w|Washington Examiner}} |url=http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trumps-new-foreign-policy-we-will-stop-looking-to-topple-regimes/article/2608687}}

===2017===
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|&lt;div id=&quot;articlecount&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;&quot;&gt; 20 January 2017 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's presidency began&lt;/div&gt;
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====January 2017====
* '''Reporter:''' Would a reasonable observer say that you are potentially vulnerable to blackmail by Russia or by its [[Espionage|intelligence]] agencies?&lt;br&gt;'''Trump:''' Lemme just tell you what I do. When I leave our country, I'm a very high-profile person, would you say? I am extremely careful. I'm surrounded by bodyguards. I'm surrounded by people. And I always tell them—anywhere, but I always tell them if I'm leaving this country, &quot;Be very careful, because in your hotel rooms and no matter where you go, you're gonna probably have cameras.&quot; I'm not referring just to Russia, but I would certainly put them in that category. And number one, &quot;I hope you're gonna be good anyway. But in those rooms, you have cameras in the strangest places. Cameras that are so small with modern technology, you can't see them and you won't know. You better be careful, or you'll be watching yourself on nightly television.&quot; I tell this to people all the time. I was in Russia years ago, with the Miss Universe contest, which did very well—Moscow, the Moscow area did very, very well. And I told many people, &quot;Be careful, because you don't wanna see yourself on television. Cameras all over the place.&quot;&lt;br&gt;And again, not just Russia, all over. Does anyone really believe that story? I'm also very much of a germaphobe, by the way, believe me.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/11/us/politics/trump-press-conference-transcript.html, Donald Trump Press Conference at Trump Tower] (11 January 2017)

[[File:Donald_Trump_delivering_inauguration_speech_01-20-17_(cropped).jpg|thumb|From this moment on, it's going to be America First.]][[File:2017_Presidential_Inauguration_CV6A0663.jpg|thumb|I looked out, the field was, looked like million, million and a half people.]]
* I looked out, the field was, looked like million, million and a half people. They showed a field where there was practically nobody standing there. And they said, &quot;Donald Trump did not draw well.&quot; I said, &quot;It was almost raining!&quot; The rain should've scared them away but God looked down and said we're not going to let it rain on your speech. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMBqDN7-QLg Trump speaking at the CIA Headquarters about his inauguration crowd and the press coverage], FOX 10 Phoenix (21 January 2017)

* But when you look at this tremendous sea of love — I call it a &quot;sea of love&quot; — it's really something special.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDvoBoxv028 Trump describing a framed photograph of his inauguration crowd during an interview with David Muir], ABC (25 January 2017)

* [About David Becker] He's grovelling again. You know, I always talk about the reporters that grovel when they want to write something that you want to hear but not necessarily millions of people want to hear or have to hear.
** [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38764653/ &quot;Trump's voter fraud talk has liberals worried&quot;], BBC (27 January 2017)

* We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our country the very threats our soldiers are fighting overseas.
** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/01/27/politics/trump-plans-to-sign-executive-action-on-refugees-extreme-vetting/ &quot;Trump signs executive order to keep out 'radical Islamic terrorists'&quot;], CNN (27 January 2017)

* I've always felt the need to pray...I would say that the office is so powerful that you need God even more.
** [http://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2017/january/worship-artist-credits-psalms-91-for-miraculous-cancer-healing Trump's interview with David Brody], CBN News (29 January 2017)

=====Inaugural address, (January 20, 2017)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/the-inaugural-address/ Transcript] (January 20, 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

*[[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]], [[Jimmy Carter|President Carter]], President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you. We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people. Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges, we will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. Every 4 years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and we are grateful to President Obama and [[Michelle Obama|First Lady Michelle Obama]] for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.
* Today's ceremony, however, has very special meaning. '''Because today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, DC, and giving it back to you, the people. For too long, a small group in our Nation's Capital has reaped the rewards of Government while the people have borne the cost. Washington flourished, but the people did not share in its wealth.''' '''Politicians prospered, but the jobs left, and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country.''' '''Their victories have not been your victories; their triumphs have not been your triumphs; and while they celebrated in our Nation's Capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.''' That all changes, starting right here and right now, because this moment is your moment: It belongs to you. It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country. What truly matters is not which party controls our Government, but whether our Government is controlled by the people. '''January 20, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this Nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. Everyone is listening to you now.'''
* '''You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens.''' Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves. These are just and reasonable demands of righteous people and a righteous public. But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our Nation; an [[Education in the United States|education system]], flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge; and the crime and the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. We are one Nation, and their pain is our pain, their dreams are our dreams, and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans.
* For many decades, we've enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military. We've defended other nations' borders while refusing to defend our own and spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas while America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. We've made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has dissipated over the horizon. One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world. But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future. '''We, assembled here today, are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this this day forward, it's going to be only America first. America first.''' Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families.
* We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for you with every breath in my body, and I will never, ever let you down. America will start winning again, winning like never before. We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful Nation. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work, rebuilding our country with American hands and American labor. We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and hire American. We will seek friendship and good will with the nations of the world, but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example—we will shine—for everyone to follow. '''We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth.''' '''At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. [[The Bible]] tells us, &quot;How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity.&quot; We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.''' There should be no fear: We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement, and most importantly, we will be protected by God.
* Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again. We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease, and to harness the energies, industries, and [[Technology|technologies]] of tomorrow. A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions.
* It's time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are Black or Brown or White, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, and we all salute the same great American flag. And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of [[Detroit]] or the windswept plains of [[w:Nebraska|Nebraska]], they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty Creator. So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words: You will never be ignored again. Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. '''Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. And, yes, together, we will make America great again.''' Thank you. God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you. God bless America.

====February 2017====
* I am very proud now that we have a museum on the National Mall where people can learn about [[Reverend King]], so many other things, [[Frederick Douglass]] is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice. [[Harriet Tubman]], [[Rosa Parks]], and millions more black Americans who made [[America] what it is today. Big impact
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/02/frederick-douglass-trump/515292/ Donald Trump's Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass] February 1, 2017

*As we celebrate National African American History Month, we recognize the heritage and achievements of African Americans.  The contributions African Americans have made and continue to make are an integral part of our society, and the history of African Americans exemplifies the resilience and innovative spirit that continue to make our Nation great
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/president-donald-j-trump-proclaims-february-national-african-american-history-month/ 2 February 2017]

* For us here in Washington, we must never ever stop asking God for the wisdom to serve the public according to His will. But we had tremendous success on ''The Apprentice'' and, when I ran for President, I had to leave the show, that's when I knew for sure I was doing it, and they hired a big, big movie star, [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]], to take my place, and we know how that turned out. The ratings went right down the tubes, it's been a total disaster, and [[w:Mark Burnett|Mark [Burnett]]] will never, ever bet against Trump again, and I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those rating, OK?
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyxacu5AslI Trump's &quot;National Prayer Breakfast&quot; speech] (2 February 2017)

* We have to be tough. It's time we're going to be a little bit tough, folks. We're taken advantage by every nation in the world, virtually. It's not going to happen anymore.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/feb/02/donald-trump-australia-refugees-malcolm-turnbull-phone-call White House suggests US may still accept Australia refugees despite clash] (2 February 2017)

* It's gotten to a point where it's not even being reported, and in many cases the very, very dishonest press doesn't want to report it. They have their reasons and you understand that.
** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38890090 Trump on the reporting of terrorist attacks during a speech given at MacDill Air Force Base] (6 February 2017)

* Who is the state senator? Do you want to give me his name? We'll destroy his career.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1SKm1hTWq0 Trump responding to Sheriff Harold Eavenson's statement] about a Texas state senator proposing legislation to require convictions before sheriffs could receive forfeiture money. (7 February 2017)

* I listened to a panel of judges and I'll comment on that — I will not comment on the statements made by, um, certainly one judge — but I have to be honest that if these judges wanted to, in my opinion, help the court, in terms of respect for the court, they'd do what they should be doing. I mean it's so sad, they should be, you know, when you read something so simple, and so beautifully written, and so perfectly written — other than the one statement, of course, having to do with &quot;he&quot; or &quot;she&quot; — but when you read something so perfectly written, and so clear to anybody, and then you have lawyers and you watched, I watched last night in amazement, and I heard things that I couldn't believe, things that really had nothing to do with what I just read, and I don't ever want to call a court biased, so I won't call it biased, and we haven't had a decision yet, but courts seem to be so political, and it would be so great for our justice system if they would be able to read a statement and do what's right.
* Every child in America should be able to play outside without fear, walk home without danger, and attend a school without being worried about drugs or gangs or violence.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/02/08/remarks-president-trump-mcca-winter-conference Remarks by President Trump at MCCA Winter Conference] (8 February 2017)

* Well I just want to say that we are, you know, very honored by the victory that we had, 306 electoral college votes, we were not supposed to crack 220, you [turning to the [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Israeli PM]]] know that right? There was no way to 221, but then they said there's no way to 270 [Netanyahu tries to respond, but Trump continues, so then mouths &quot;I thought he was talking to me&quot;] and there's tremendous enthusiasm out there. I will say that, um, we are going to have peace, in this country, we are going to stop crime, in this country, we are going to do everything within our power to stop long-simmering racism, and every other thing that's going on, because a lot of bad things have been taking place over a long period of time. I think one of the reasons I won the election is we have a very, very divided nation, very divided, and hopefully I'll be able to do something about that, and I, you know, it's something that was very important to me. As far as people, Jewish people, so many friends, a daughter who happens to be here right now, a son-in-law, and three beautiful grandchildren, I think that you're going to see a lot different United States of America over the next three, four, or eight years, er, I think a lot of good things are happening, and you're going to see a lot of love, you're going to see a lot of love.
** Trump responding to a reporter's question about rising anti-Semitic incidents and a perception of xenophobia in his administration, during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmfseeZt5fA joint press conference with Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel] (15 February 2017)

* The press has become so dishonest that if we don't talk about, we are doing a tremendous disservice to the American people. Tremendous disservice. We have to talk to find out what's going on, because the press honestly is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.
* I guess it was the [[wikipedia:List_of_United_States_presidential_elections_by_Electoral_College_margin|biggest Electoral College win]] since Ronald Reagan.
* This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.
[[File:Michael_Flynn_(30020745053).jpg|thumb|Mike Flynn is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation.]]
* [[Michael T. Flynn|Mike Flynn]] is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation. He respectfully gave it. He is a man who there was a certain amount of information given to [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]], who is with us today. And I was not happy with the way that information was given. He didn't have to do that, because what he did wasn't wrong. What he did in terms of the information he saw. What was wrong was the way that other people, including yourselves in this room, were given that information, because that was classified information that was given illegally. That's the real problem.
* Look, when I go to rallies, they turn around, they start screaming at [[CNN]]. They want to throw their placards at CNN. You know. I think you would do much better by being different.
* Tomorrow, they will say, &quot;Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.&quot; I'm not ranting and raving. I'm just telling you. You know, you're dishonest people. But, but I'm not ranting and raving. I love this. I'm having a good time doing it. But tomorrow, the headlines are going to be, &quot;Donald Trump rants and raves.&quot; I'm not ranting and raving.
[[File:HEUraniumC.jpg|thumb|You know what uranium is, right? It's a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.]]
* You know what [[w:Uranium|uranium]] is, right? It's a thing called [[nuclear weapons]] and other things like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.
* In the meantime, [[Mosul]] is very, very difficult. Do you know why? Because I don't talk about military, and I don't talk about certain other things, you're going to be surprised to hear that. And by the way, my whole campaign, I'd say that. So I don't have to tell you. I don't want to be one of these guys that say, &quot;Yes, here's what we're going to do.&quot; I don't have to do that. I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do in [[North Korea]]. Wait a minute. I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do in North Korea. And I don't have to tell you what I'm going to do with Iran. You know why? Because they shouldn't know. And eventually, you guys are going to get tired of asking that question.
* Where are you from? [The reporter responds that he is from the BBC] Here's another beauty.
* Do you want to set up the meeting? Are they friends of yours? [Addressing an African-American reporter and referring to the [[w:Congressional_Black_Caucus|Congressional Black Caucus]]]
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/16/us/politics/donald-trump-press-conference-transcript.html?_r=0 Comments made during a news conference at the White House] (16 February 2017)

*I am the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life
**17 February 2017 per [https://www.cnbc.com/2017/02/16/donald-trump-i-am-the-least-anti-semitic-racist-person-that-youve-ever-seen.html CNBC]

* You look at what's happening {{w|last night in Sweden}}. Sweden! Who would believe this, Sweden! They took in large numbers, they're having problems like they never thought possible.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMLK15edOUY Trump speaking at mass rally of his supporters in Melbourne, Florida] (18 February 2017)

* And I want you all to know that we are fighting the [[fake news]]. It's fake, phony, fake. A few days ago I called the fake news the [[wikipedia:enemy of the people|enemy of the people]], and they are, they are the enemy of the people.
* They shouldn't be allowed to use sources unless they use somebody's name. Let their name be put out there. Let their name be put out.
* I love [[Sweden]], great country, great people, I love Sweden. But they understand, the people over there understand I'm right. Take a look at [[wikipedia:Crime in Sweden|what's happening in Sweden]].
* I have a friend, he's a very, very substantial guy. He loves the city of lights, he loves [[Paris]]. For years, every year during the summer, he would go to Paris, was automatic with his wife and his family. Hadn't seen him in a while and I said, Jim, let me ask you a question, how's Paris doing? &quot;Paris? I don't go there anymore, Paris is no longer Paris.&quot;
** [http://time.com/4682023/cpac-donald-trump-speech-transcript/ Trump speaking at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference] (24 February 2017)

* It's an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2017/feb/27/trump-healthcare-complicated-budget-video Speaking at the National Governors Association meeting at the White House] (27 February 2017)

*Nations around the world, like [[Canada]], [[Australia]] and many others – have a merit-based immigration system. It is a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially,&lt;br&gt;Yet, in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;With the help of Prime Minister [[Justin Trudeau]], we have formed a Council with our neighbors in Canada to help ensure that women entrepreneurs have access to the networks, markets and capital they need to start a business and live out their financial dreams&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;It is not compassionate, but reckless, to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur,&lt;br&gt;We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America -- we cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists.
**[https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/us-politics/donald-trump-congress-speech-immigration/article34158135/ 28 February 2017, per Globe and Mail]

====March 2017====
* As we stand together with our Irish friends, I'm reminded of that proverb – and this is a good one, this is one I like, I've heard it for many many years and I love it – &quot;Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.&quot; We know that, politically speaking, a lot of us know that, we know it well, it's a great phrase.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/mar/17/trumps-irish-proverb-causes-derision-on-the-web Trump speaking during a visit of Enda Kenny, the then Irish head of government] (17 March 2017)

====April 2017====
*Let's fucking kill him! Let's go in. Let's kill the fucking lot of them.
**About [[Bashar al-Assad]], as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/bob-woodwards-new-book-reveals-a-nervous-breakdown-of-trumps-presidency/2018/09/04/b27a389e-ac60-11e8-a8d7-0f63ab8b1370_story.html?noredirect=on&amp;utm_term=.f1bf8ed6690c &quot;Bob Woodward's new book reveals a ‘nervous breakdown' of Trump's presidency&quot;] (4 September 2018), by Philip Rucker and Robert Costa, ''The Washington Post''
*Today's chemical attack in Syria against innocent people, including women and children, is reprehensible and cannot be ignored by the civilized world. These heinous actions by the [[Bashar al-Assad]] regime are a consequence of the past administration's weakness and irresolution. President Obama said in 2012 that he would establish a &quot;red line&quot; against the use of chemical weapons and then did nothing. The United States stands with our allies across the globe to condemn this intolerable attack.
**[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-the-chemical-weapons-attack-khan-sheikhoun-syria Statement on the Chemical Weapons Attack in Khan Sheikhoun, Syria], ''American Presidency Project'', (6 September 2017)

* It was a slow and brutal death for so many…Even beautiful babies were cruelly murdered in this very barbaric attack.
** President Trump on Syria's chemical weapons attack, [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/trump-blasts-syria-murdering-civilians-u-s-strike-article-1.3027449 &quot;President Trump blasts Syria for 'cruelly murdering' its own people as U.S. fires at least 50 missiles at airfield&quot;], 6 April 2017.

* We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President [[Xi Jinping|Xi]] was enjoying it.
* So what happens is, I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq. [Interviewer interrupts to correct him] Yes, heading toward Syria.
** President Trump explaining his decision to launch a missile strike while dining with Chinese President Xi Jinping, [http://www.cnn.com/2017/04/12/politics/donald-trump-xi-jingping-syria-chocolate-cake/ &quot;Trump, Xi talked Syria strike over 'beautiful' chocolate cake&quot;], 12 April 2017.

* So this is promoting agriculture and rural prosperity in America. And, now, there's a lot of words I won't bother reading everything.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/04/25/remarks-president-trump-farmers-roundtable-and-executive-order-signing Remarks by President Trump in Farmers Roundtable and Executive Order Signing Promoting Agriculture and Rural Prosperity in America] (April 25, 2017)

[[File:Shinzō_Abe_and_Donald_Trump_in_Palm_Beach_(3).jpeg|thumb|I thought it would be easier.]]
* I thought it would be easier.
** [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-100days-idUSKBN17U0CA Trump discussing his first 100 days in interview with Reuters] (April 27, 2017)

* I think we've done more than perhaps any president in the first 100 days.... Not since [President] [[Harry Truman]] has anybody done so much.
** Interview with President Trump, [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/full-interview-with-president-trump-on-his-first-100-days/article/2621516 &quot;Full interview with President Trump on his first 100 days&quot;], 28 April 2017.

====May 2017====
* People don't realize, you know, the [[American Civil War|Civil War]], if you think about it, why?
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-why-couldn-t-civil-war-have-been-avoided-n753241 Trump: Why Couldn't the Civil War Have Been Avoided?] (May 1, 2017)
* No American should be forced to choose between the dictates of the federal government and the tenets of their faith.
** [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/05/04/what-trump-understands-about-religious-liberty-in-america.html What Trump understands about religious liberty in America?] (May 4, 2017)

[[File:James_Comey_official_portrait.jpg|thumb|I just fired the head of the F.B.I. He was crazy, a real nut job.]]
* I just fired the [[James Comey|head of the F.B.I.]] He was crazy, a real nut job.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I faced great pressure because of Russia. That's taken off.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm not under investigation.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/19/us/politics/trump-russia-comey.html Part of Trump's conversation with Russian officials invited to the White House], according to the official account of the meeting (10 May 2017)
* Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven't heard it. I mean, I just... I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It's what you have to do.
** [http://www.economist.com/Trumptranscript Trump claiming to have invented the term &quot;prime the pump&quot;] in the context of [[wikipedia:Stimulus_(economics)|economic stimulus]] during an interview published in [[The Economist]] (11 May 2017)
* And in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, &quot;You know, this Russia thing, with Trump and Russia, is a made-up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election.&quot;
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/president-trump-this-russia-thing-is-a-made-up-story-941962819745 Trump admitting in an interview with NBC's Lester Holt] that annoyance at federal investigations was a motivation for firing FBI Director James Comey (11 May 2017)
* Nothing is easier or more pathetic than being a critic. Because they're people that can't get the job done. But the future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their heart no matter what the critics say.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B421uhrOV-o&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=12m34s Liberty University commencement speech] (13 May 2017)
* Look at the way I have been treated lately, especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse, or more unfairly.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2017/may/17/donald-trump-media-coast-guard-speech-video Trump being a critic of the media during his speech at the US Coast Guard Academy commencement ceremony] (17 May 2017)
* Oh my God.  This is terrible.  '''This is the end of my Presidency.  I'm fucked.''' 
** On the appointment of a special counsel in the Russia investigation.  As quoted in [[:commons:File:Report On The Investigation Into Russian Interference In The 2016 Presidential Election.pdf|&quot;Report On The Investigation Into Russian Interference In The 2016 Presidential Election&quot;]] by Robert S. Mueller III, Volume II, page 78. 
* So many young, beautiful, innocent people living and enjoying their lives murdered by evil losers in life, I won't call them monsters because they would like that term. They would think that's a great name. I will call them from now on losers because that's what they are. They're losers. And we'll have more of them. But they're losers—just remember that.
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/05/trump-manchester-losers/527745/]

====June 2017====
* I was elected represent the citizens of [[Pittsburgh]], not Paris.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/06/01/statement-president-trump-paris-climate-accord Statement by President Trump on the Paris Climate Accord], announcing his intention to withdraw the US from the {{w|Paris Agreement}} (1 June 2017)

* History is written by the dreamers, not the doubters.
[[File:Family trump in the Easter Egg Roll (cropped).jpg|thumb|I love all people, rich or poor, but in those particular positions I just don't want a poor person.]]
* I love all people, rich or poor, but in those particular positions I just don't want a poor person.
* We're thinking about building the wall as a solar wall, so it [[wikipedia:Conservation of energy|creates energy]], and pays for itself. And this way Mexico will have to pay much less money, and that's good, right, is that good? You're the first group I've told that to, a solar wall, makes sense, let's see, we're working it out, we'll see, solar wall, panels, beautiful. I mean actually think of it, the higher it goes the more valuable it is, it's like... pretty good imagination ''[points to his own head]'', right, good? My idea.
** [http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/06/21/president-trump-holds-iowa-rally-live-blog.html President Trump Holds a Rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa] (21 June 2017)
* Well I didn't tape him — you never know what's happening, when you see that the Obama administration, and perhaps longer than that, was doing all of this unmasking and, er, surveillance, and you read all about it, and I've been reading about for the last couple of months about the seriousness of the, and horrible situation, with surveillance all over the place, and you've been hearing the word 'unmasking', a word you probably never heard before, so you never know what's out there — but I didn't tape, and I don't have any tape, and I didn't tape.
* Well, er, it wasn't, er, it wasn't very stupid, I can tell you that. ''[In response to the interviewer suggesting that his tweeting that there were tapes was a smart tactic]''
** [http://insider.foxnews.com/2017/06/23/trump-comey-tapes-tweet-mueller-probe-fox-friends-interview Trump interviewed by Ainsley Earhardt on Fox &amp; Friends] (23 June 2017)
* I heard poorly rated [[Joe Scarborough|@Morning_Joe]] speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/business/media/trump-mika-brzezinski-facelift.html Trump Mocks Mika Brzezinski] (29 June 2017)

[[File:Donald_Trump_(29273256122)_-_Cropped.jpg|thumb|The human soul yearns for discovery. By unlocking the mysteries of the universe, we unlock truths within ourselves.]]
* The human soul yearns for discovery.  By unlocking the mysteries of the universe, we unlock truths within ourselves.  That's true.  Our journey into space will not only make us stronger and more prosperous, but will unite us behind grand ambitions and bring us all closer together.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Can you believe that space is going to do that?  I thought politics would do that.  (Laughter.)  Well, we'll have to rely on space instead. 
* Every launch into the skies is another step forward toward a future where our differences seem small against the vast expanse of our common [[humanity]].  Sometimes you have to view things from a distance in order to see the real truth.  It is America's destiny to be at the forefront of humanity's eternal quest for knowledge and to be the leader amongst nations on our adventure into the great unknown.
* [[Space]]. A lotta room out there, right? ''[Buzz Aldrin interjects: To infinity and beyond!]'' This is [[infinity]], it could be infinity, we don't really don't know, but it could be, there's gotta be something, but it could be infinity, right?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/06/30/remarks-president-signing-executive-order-national-space-council Trump speaking while signing an Executive Order on the National Space Council] (30 June 2017)

====July 2017====
* The fundamental question of our time is whether the West has the will to survive. Do we have the confidence in our values to defend them at any cost? Do we have enough respect for our citizens to protect our borders? Do we have the desire and the courage to preserve our civilization in the face of those who would subvert and destroy it?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2017/07/06/remarks-president-trump-people-poland-july-6-2017 Remarks by President Trump to the People of Poland] (6 July 2017)

* ...let Obamacare fail, it will be a lot easier. And I think we're probably in that position where we'll let Obamacare fail. We're not going to own it. I'm not going to own it. I can tell you the Republicans are not going to own it. We'll let Obamacare fail, and then the Democrats are going to come to us.
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2017-07-18}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2017-07-18|author=Thomas Kaplan|title=‘Let Obamacare Fail,’ Trump Says as G.O.P. Health Bill Collapses|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/18/us/politics/republicans-obamacare-repeal-now-replace-later.html}}

* I am disappointed in the [[w:United States Attorney General|Attorney General]], he should not have [[wikipedia:Judicial_disqualification|recused himself]], almost immediately after he took office, and if he was going to recuse himself he should have told me prior to taking office, and I would have quite simply picked somebody else, so I think that's a bad thing, not for the President but for the presidency, I think it's unfair to the presidency, and that's the way I feel.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgImDKyPZwg Trump responding to a question] about [[Jeff Sessions]] in a White House press briefing (25 July 2017)

* I said please [[w:Police brutality in the United States|don't be too nice]]. Like when you guys put somebody in the car, and you're protecting their head, you know, the way you put the hand over, like, don't hit their head, and they've just killed somebody, don't hit their head? I said, you can take the hand away, OK.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFgjNPiq9Cw Speaking to police officers] at Suffolk County Community College, Long Island (28 July 2017)

=====2017 National Scout Jamboree (July 24, 2017)=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TplF26czQVE Trump inspiring young people at the 2017 National Scout Jamboree] (24 July 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

* I said, who the hell wants to speak about politics when I'm in front of the boy scouts, right?

* You know, I go to Washington and I see all these politicians, and I see the swamp, and it's not a good place, in fact, today I said we ought to change it from the word 'swamp' to the word 'cesspool' or perhaps to the word 'sewer'. But it's not good, not good.

* Secretary [[Tom Price (U.S. politician)|Tom Price]] is also here. Today Dr. Price still lives the scout oath, helping to keep millions of Americans strong and healthy as our Secretary of Health and Human Services, and he's doing a great job. And, hopefully, he's going to get the votes tomorrow to start our path toward killing this horrible thing known as Obamacare that's really hurting us, folks. By the way, you going to get the votes? He better get them. He better get them. Oh, he better, otherwise I'll say, &quot;Tom, you're fired.&quot;

* Turn those cameras back there, please, that is so incredible. By the way, what do you think the chances are that this incredible, massive crowd, record-setting is going to be shown on television tonight? 1% or zero? The fake media will say, &quot;President Trump&quot;, and you know what this is, &quot;President Trump spoke before a small crowd of boy scouts today.&quot;

* By the way, just a question, did President Obama ever come to a jamboree?

* And you know we have a tremendous disadvantage in the electoral college, popular vote is much easier.

====August 2017====
* [[North Korea]] best not make any more {{w|Nuclear power in North Korea|threats to the United States}}. They will be met with '''fire and fury like the world has never seen'''. He has been very threatening beyond a normal state. They will be met with '''fire, fury, and frankly power''' the likes of which this world has never seen before.
** Comment on North Korean nuclear tests, made during a public meeting on the {{W|opioid epidemic}}.
** [http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/09/politics/trump-fire-fury-improvise-north-korea/index.html Trump's 'fire and fury' remark was improvised but familiar], CNN. August 9, 2017.

* We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides [repeat intentional]. This had been going on for a long time in our country. Not Donald Trump, not Barack Obama. A long, long time.
** First statement regarding White Nationalist Rally terrorism in Charlottesville, VA. [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/aug/12/charlottesville-protest-trump-condemns-violence-many-sides]. The Guardian. (12 August 2017) 

* [[Racism]] is evil -- and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including [[Ku Klux Klan|KKK]], [[neo-Nazis]], [[White supremacy|white supremacists]], and other hate groups are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans. Those who spread violence in the name of bigotry strike at the very core of America. As a candidate I promised to restore law and order to our country and our federal [[Law enforcement in the United States|law enforcement]] agencies are following through on that pledge. We will spare no resource in fighting so that every American child can grow up free from violence and fear. We will defend and protect the sacred rights of all Americans and we will work together so that every citizen in this blessed land is free to follow their dreams, in their hearts, and to express the love and joy in our souls.
** Subsequent statement regarding the violence at a [[wikipedia:far-right|far-right]] [[wikipedia:2017 Unite the Right rally|Charlottesville, VA rally]] held on August 11-12, 2017;  [http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/14/politics/trump-condemns-charlottesville-attackers/index.html Trump calls KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists 'repugnant'] (14 August 2017)

* '''Yes, I think there's blame on both sides, you look at, you look at both sides, I think there's blame on both sides, and I have no doubt about it, and you don't have any doubt about it either.''' And if you reported it accurately, you would say...[Reporter: The neo-Nazis started this thing. They showed up in Charlottesville. They... (Reporters crosstalk)] Excuse me. Excuse me. '''They didn't put themselves down as [[neo-Nazis]].''' And you had some very bad people in that group. '''But you also had people that were very fine people, on both sides.''' You had people in that group — excuse me, excuse me — I saw the same pictures as you did. You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from [[Robert E. Lee]] to another name. [Reporters crosstalk] [[George Washington]] was a slave owner. Was George Washington a slave owner? So will George Washington now lose his status? Are we going to take down — excuse me — are we going to take down, are we going to take down statues to George Washington? How about [[Thomas Jefferson]]? What do you think of Thomas Jefferson? You like him. Good. Are we going to take down his statue, because he was a major slave-owner? Are we going to take down his statue? So you know what, it's fine. You are changing history, you are changing culture. You had people — and '''I'm not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists, because they should be condemned totally''' — but you had '''many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and [[White nationalism|white nationalists]]''', OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly. Now, in the other group also, you had some fine people but you also had troublemakers and you see them come with '''the black outfits and with the helmets and with the baseball bats'''. You had a lot of bad people in the other group too.
* The statement I made on Saturday, the first statement, was a fine statement.
** [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-virginia-protests-idUSKCN1AV0WT Trump, again, casts blame on both sides for deadly violence in Virginia] at a press briefing in Trump Tower, New York (15 August 2017) Transcripts: [https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/read-the-transcript-of-donald-trumps-jaw-dropping-press-conference.html] [https://www.vox.com/2017/8/15/16154028/trump-press-conference-transcript-charlottesville]

====September 2017====
* The [[w:Venezuelan crisis|problem in Venezuela]] is not that [[socialism]] has been poorly implemented. It's that socialism has been faithfully implemented.
** In his [[wikisource:Remarks by President Trump to the 72nd Session of the United Nations General Assembly|first address to the United Nations]]. (19 September 2017)

* The only thing you could do better is if you see it, even if it's one player, leave the stadium, I guarantee things will stop. Things will stop. Just pick up and leave. Pick up and leave. Not the same game anymore anyway. Wouldn't you love to see one of these [[National Football League|NFL]] owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, you'd say, 'Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out! He's fired. He's fired!
** Referring at a rally in Huntsville, AL to [[wikipedia:U.S. national anthem protests (2016–present)|protests by NFL players]] against the U.S. flag.
** {{citation |date=2017-09-22 |title=Donald Trump Called for NFL Players to Be Fired for National Anthem Kneeling — And They Responded |author=Aric Jenkins |periodical=Fortune |url=http://fortune.com/2017/09/23/donald-trump-nfl-players-anthem-response/}}

* All appropriate departments of our government from Homeland Security to Defense are engaged fully in the disaster and the response and recovery effort probably has never been seen for something like this. This is [[Puerto Rico|an island]] surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.
** Regarding {{w|Hurricane Maria}}
** {{citation |date=2017-09-29 |title=Donald Trump says Puerto Rico is 'an island surrounded by big water' |author=Emily Shugerman |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-puerto-rico-hurricane-maria-comments-island-big-water-a7975011.html}}

====October 2017====
* You guys know what this represents? Maybe it's the calm before the storm. ''[Reporter: What's the storm?]'' Could be the calm, the calm, before the storm. ''[Reporter: What storm Mr. President?]'' We have the world's great military people in this room, I'll tell you that, and we're going to have a great evening. ''[Reporter: What storm Mr. President?]'' You'll find out.
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2017/10/06/trump-gathers-with-military-leaders-says-maybe-its-the-calm-before-the-storm/ Speaking during a photo op at the White House] (6 October 2017)
* The media is — really, the word, I think one of the greatest of all terms I've come up with is &quot;fake&quot;. I guess other people have used it, perhaps, over the years, but I've never noticed it.
** {{citation |date=2017-10-08 |title=Donald Trump defends paper towels in Puerto Rico, says Stephen Paddock was ‘probably smart' in bizarre TV interview: Analysis |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=TheStar.com |url=https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2017/10/08/donald-trump-defends-paper-towels-in-puerto-rico-says-stephen-paddock-was-probably-smart-in-bizarre-tv-interview-analysis.html}}
*Chain migration is one of the disasters. You allow one person and in that one person brings in 10 or 12 people
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 11 October 2017] being interviewed by [[Sean Hannity]]
* And we see it in the mothers and the fathers who get up at the crack of dawn; they work two jobs and sometimes three jobs. They sacrifice every day for the furniture and — future of their children.
** [https://www.palmerreport.com/opinion/random-words-donald-trump/5573/ Remarks by President Trump at the 2017 Values Voter Summit] (13 October 2017)
* Just out report: &quot;United Kingdom crime rises 13% annually amid spread of Radical Islamic terror.&quot; Not good, we must keep America safe!
** [https://www.snopes.com/trump-uk-terrorism/ Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (20 October 2017)
* We have a very good relationship. People say we have the best relationship of any President-President, because he's called President also. Now some people might call him the King of China, but he's called President.
** [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2017/10/25/full_lou_dobbs_interview_trump_asks_what_could_be_more_fake_than_cbs_nbc_abc_and_cnn.html Interviewed by Lou Dobbs on Fox Business on the subject of Xi Jinping] (25 October 2017)

====November 2017====
* Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me &quot;old,&quot; when I would NEVER call him &quot;short and fat?&quot; Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
** {{citation |date=2017-11-08 |title=Donald Trump calls Kim Jong-un ‘short and fat’ and says he’s ‘trying hard to be his friend’ |author=Corey Charlton |periodical=The Sun |url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/4895959/donald-trump-calls-kim-jong-un-short-and-fat-and-says-hes-trying-hard-to-be-his-friend/}}

*India has a true friend in the [[White House]].
** Donald Trump,  November 28, 2017  [http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-has-true-friend-at-white-house-says-ivanka-trump-at-global-entrepreneurship-summit-full-text-ivanka-trump/ Indian Express India has true friends in White House, says Ivanka Trump at Global Entrepreneurship Summit]

====December 2017====
*He killed many people, ran them over. Chain migration. According to chain migration, he may have as many as 22 to 24 people that came in with him. His grandfather, his grandmother, his mother, his father, his brother, his sisters. We have to end chain migration. We have to end chain migration.
**[https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2017/12/08/trump-time-congress-adopt-pro-american-immigration-agenda/ 8 December 2017]

===2018===
====January 2018====

* The United States has foolishly given [[Pakistan]] more than 33 billion dollars in [[Foreign aid|aid]] over the last 15 years, they have given us nothing but lies and deceit, thinking of our leaders as fools. They give safe haven to the [[Islamic terrorism|terrorists]] we hunt in [[Afghanistan]], with little help. No more!
** CNN: Trump's first 2018 tweet: Pakistan has 'given us nothing but lies &amp; deceit' [https://edition.cnn.com/2018/01/01/politics/donald-trump-2018-pakistan/index.html], The Independent  [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-pakistan-tweet-lies-deceit-aid-us-president-terrorism-aid-a8136516.html]

* The libel laws are very weak in this country. If they were strong, it would be very helpful. You wouldn't have things like that happen where you can say whatever comes to your head.
** Response to a question regarding Michael Wolff's ''Fire and Fury'', [https://factba.se/transcript/donald-trump-remarks-questions-camp-david-gop-retreat-january-6-2018 Camp David speech] (6 January 2018)

*I get exercise. I mean I walk, I this, I that. I run over to a building next door. I get more exercise than people think.&lt;br&gt;A lot of people go to the gym and they’ll work out for two hours and all. I’ve seen people ... then they get their new knees when they’re 55 years old and they get their new hips and they do all those things. I don’t have those problems.&lt;br&gt;I guess they all realized they’re going to have to leave it to a president that scored the highest on tests. What can I tell you?&lt;br&gt;I was on a treadmill for the first time actually in quite a while, and it was at a very steep angle, and I was there for a very long time.&lt;br&gt;They were surprised. And they said, ‘Well you can stop now, that’s amazing.’ And I said, ‘I can go much longer than this if you want me to.&lt;br&gt;I’ve always been more of a believer in diet ‘cause I’m strong, you know? I hit the ball far. I mean, I’m strong, physically.&lt;br&gt;The people that do the food at the White House are extraordinary, but I think they can maybe make the portions a little bit smaller and maybe we’ll cut out some of the more fattening ingredients, and I’m okay with that.
**17 January 2018 [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-fitness/exclusive-exercise-i-get-more-than-people-think-trump-says-idUSKBN1F633B interview with Reuters]

*Right now, in a number of states, the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother's womb in the ninth month. It is wrong, it has to change.
**As quoted in [http://mashable.com/2018/01/19/trump-march-for-life-childbirth/#NXYV1ubFzSqW &quot;Trump just basically said he's anti-childbirth&quot;] (19 January 2018), by Rachel Kraus, ''Mashable''

* If you're telling me they're horrible people, horrible racist people, I [[w:Non-apology apology|would certainly apologize]], if you'd like me to do that.
** [http://www.itv.com/goodmorningbritain/news/piers-morgan-donald-trump-says-sorry-to-britain Interviewed on Good Morning Britain] about his [[w:Donald_Trump_on_social_media#Britain_First_videos|retweeting of inflammatory and unverified anti-Muslim videos from Britain First]] the previous November (26 January 2018)

* ''[Interviewer: Do you believe in climate change? Do you think it exists?]'' Er, there is a cooling and there is a heating, and I mean, look, [[w:Climate_change#Terminology|it used to not be climate change, it used to be global warming]]. ''[Interviewer: Right.]'' Right? That wasn't working too well, because it was getting too cold all over the place. The ice caps were going to melt, they were going to be gone by now, but now they're setting records, OK, [[w:Retreat_of_glaciers_since_1850|they're at a record level]].
** [https://www.itv.com/news/2018-01-29/what-we-learned-from-donald-trumps-interview-with-itv/ Interviewed on British TV] (28 January 2018)

*in recent weeks, two terrorist attacks in New York were made possible by the visa lottery and chain migration
**[https://www.breitbart.com/live/state-union-fact-check-analysis-livewire/fact-check-yes-nyc-terrorists-entered-u-s-chain-migration-visa-lottery/ 30 January 2018]

*we celebrate National African American History Month to honor the significant contributions African Americans have made to our great Nation
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/president-donald-j-trump-proclaims-february-2018-national-african-american-history-month/ 31 January 2018]
***reposted on Twitter [https://twitter.com/statedept/status/959192815313080323 1 Feb 2018 by @StateDept] and [https://twitter.com/whitehouse/status/959481056373149696 2 Feb 2018 by @WhiteHouse]

====February 2018====
[[File:State_of_the_Union_(39974380282).jpg|thumb|Can we call that treason, why not?]]
* You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild, they loved everything, they wanna do something great for our country, and you have the other side, even on positive news, really positive news, like that, they were like death, and [[w:Un-American|un-American]], un-American. Somebody said treasonous, I mean, yeah I guess, why not? Can we call that [[w:Treason_laws_in_the_United_States|treason]], why not?
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjwPiE1wCU0 Speaking in Cincinnati about Democrats did not clap] during his [[w:State of the Union|State of the Union Address]] (5 February 2018)

*My administration has identified three major priorities for creating a safe, modern, and lawful immigration system: fully securing the border, ending chain migration, and canceling the visa lottery. Chain migration is a disaster, and very unfair to our country. The visa lottery is something that should have never been allowed in the first place. People enter a lottery to come into our country. What kind of a system is that? It is time for Congress to act and to protect Americans.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 10 February 2018]

* I never said &quot;give teachers guns&quot; like was stated on Fake News @CNN &amp; @NBC. What I said was to look at the possibility of giving &quot;concealed guns to gun adept teachers with military or special training experience - only the best. 20% of teachers, a lot, would now be able to...
* ... immediately fire back if a savage sicko came to a school with bad intentions. Highly trained teachers would also serve as a deterrent to the cowards that do this. Far more assets at much less cost than guards. A &quot;gun free&quot; school is a magnet for bad people. ATTACKS WOULD END!
** Tweets (February 22, 2018), as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-defends-arming-teachers-protect-students-sicko-shooter-n850216 &quot;Trump defends arming teachers, applauds NRA&quot;] ''NBC News'' (February 22, 2018)

* Because in America people don't worship government. They worship God.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsUZCo7hasI CPAC conference] (23 February 2018)

* Or, Mike, take the firearms first and then go to court, because that’s another system. Because a lot of times, by the time you go to court, it takes so long to go to court, to get the due process procedures. '''I like taking the guns early.''' Like in this crazy man’s case that just took place in [[Florida]], he had a lot of firearms – they saw everything – to go to court would have taken a long time, so you could do exactly what you’re saying, '''but take the guns first, go through due process second.'''
** meeting on gun violence Feb. 28, 2018[https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2021/10/14/fact-check-trump-made-comment-taking-guns-without-due-process/6070319001/][https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4907473/user-clip-trump-pence-feb-28-2018][https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trump-said-i-like-taking-the-guns-early-not-harris/]

====March 2018====
* Don't forget China's great, and [[Xi Jinping|Xi]] is a great gentleman. He's now president for life. President for life. And he's great. And look, he was able to do that. I think it’s great. Maybe we'll have to give that a shot someday.
** Fundraiser, Mar-a-Lago, quoted in {{citation|date=2018-03-03|author=Kevin Liptak|title=Trump on China's Xi consolidating power: 'Maybe we'll give that a shot some day'|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/03/politics/trump-maralago-remarks/index.html}}

====April 2018====
* I want to thank the White House Historical Association and all of the people that work so hard with [[Melania Trump|Melania]], with everybody, to keep this incredible house or building, or whatever you want to call it — because there really is no name for it; it is special — and we keep it in tip-top shape. We call it sometimes tippy-top shape. And it's a great, great place. 
** Referring to the [[White House]], during a speech given for Easter (April 2, 2018)

*And chain migration -- think of that. So you come in, and now you can bring your family, and then you can bring your mother and your father. You can bring your grandmother. You can bring your this; you can bring -- we had somebody on the West Side Highway, which I know very well -- in Manhattan -- he ran over -- I think he killed about eight people
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 5 April 2018]

====May 2018====
[[File:Protests after US decision to withdraw from JCPOA, around former US embassy, Tehran - 8 May 2018 26.jpg|thumb|We will not allow [[:w:Government of Islamic Republic of Iran|a regime]] that chants &quot;[[Death to America]]&quot; to gain access to [[:w:Nuclear program of Iran|the most deadly weapons on Earth]].]]
* America will not be held hostage to nuclear blackmail. We will not allow American cities to be threatened with destruction. And '''we will not allow a regime that chants &quot;[[Death to America]]&quot; to gain access to the most deadly weapons on Earth.'''
** statement on the [[:w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Iran nuclear deal]] on May 8, 2018 [https://www.vox.com/world/2018/5/8/17332494/read-trump-iran-nuclear-deal-speech-full-text-announcement-transcript vox.com]

====June 2018====
*In the meantime, people are suffering because of the Democrats. So we've created, and they've created, and they've let it happen — a massive child-smuggling industry.  That's exactly what it's become.  Traffickers — if you think about this — human traffickers are making a fortune.  It's a disgrace. These loopholes force the release of alien families and minors into the country when they illegally cross the border.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-cabinet-meeting-9/ Remarks by President Trump at Cabinet Meeting Issued on: June 21, 2018]

====July 2018====
* but we have to do it gently because we're in the #MeToo generation, so we have to be very gentle.&lt;br&gt;we will very gently take that kit, and we will slowly toss it, hoping it doesn't hit her and injure her arm.
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-mocks-metoo-movement-in-montana-rally/2018/07/05/fad40ce2-80b3-11e8-b660-4d0f9f0351f1_story.html?noredirect=on 5 July 2018 per Washington Post]
* Allowing the immigration to take place in [[Europe]] is a shame. I think it changed the fabric of Europe and, unless you act very quickly, it's never going to be what it was and I don't mean that in a positive way. So I think allowing millions and millions of people to come into Europe is very, very sad. I think you are losing your culture.
** [https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6766531/trump-may-brexit-us-deal-off/ Interview with ''The Sun''] (13 July 2018)
* The border with the [[Sahara]] can't be bigger than ours with [[Mexico]].
** In a phone call to [[Spain]]'s foreign minister, [[Josep Borrell]], in the context of Trump's idea for Spain to build a border wall across Sahara dessert to stem Spain's Mediterranean migrant crisis.[https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/09/20/trump-spain-wall-sahara-desert/1365944002/ Foreign minister: Trump advised Spain to build wall across Sahara to stop migrants]

* To [[Hassan Rouhani|Iranian President Rouhani]]: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE &amp; DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/01/covfefe-trump-typo-turned-meme/579763/ The Atlantic: &quot;Six Hours and Three Minutes of Internet Chaos&quot;]

* What you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's happening
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2018-07-24 |title= 'What You're Seeing... Is Not What's Happening.' People Are Comparing This Trump Quote to George Orwell |author=Mahita Gajanan |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5347737/trump-quote-george-orwell-vfw-speech/}}

* We're ordering 147 new F-35 Lightning fighters. This is an incredible [[Airplane|plane]]. It's stealth; you can't see it. So when I talk to even people from the other side, they're trying to order our plane. They like the fact that you can't see it. I said, 'How would it do in battle with your plane?' They say, 'Well, we have one problem: We can't see your plane.'
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2018-07-24 |title= Trump Keeps Saying the F-35 Is Invisible |author=Kyle Mizokami |periodical=Popular Mechanics |url=https://www.popularmechanics.com/military/aviation/amp33658771/trump-keeps-saying-the-f-35-is-invisible/}}

====August 2018====
* You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID.  You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture.  The only time you don’t need it in many cases is when you want to vote for a president, when you want to vote for a senator, when you want to vote for a governor or a congressman. It’s crazy.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2018/08/01/politics/trump-grocery-shopping-id/index.html &quot;Trump claims you need ID to buy groceries. You do not.&quot;], ''CNN'' (August 21, 2018)

*We have the worst laws! How about chain migration? One person comes in and you end up with 32 people. The person that ran down 18 people on the West Side Highway, he's allowed to have -- and I think eight died. He has 22 members of his family in the United States because of chain migration. So we have to change this stuff, Rush,
**1 August 2018 interview with [[Rush Limbaugh]]

*How about chain migration? How about that? Somebody comes in, he brings his mother, and his father, and his aunt and uncle, 15 times removed. He brings them all
**[https://abcnews.go.com/US/times-trump-slammed-chain-migration-apparently-helped-wifes/story?id=57132429 August 8 campaign rally in Ohio]

====September 2018====
* They haven't seen anything like what's coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet. Tremendous amounts of water.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqHwQhZC8jQ Trump Says Hurricane Florence Is 'Tremendously Big And Tremendously Wet']

* I just wanna thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with [[w:Hurricane Florence|Florence]]. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we've ever seen from a standpoint of water.
** [https://youtube.com/watch?v=RiDpRVqqXfk&amp;t=30 Trump Describes Hurricane Florence &quot;Wettest We've Seen From Standpoint Of Water&quot;]

* And you know the interesting? When I did it, and I was really being tough, and so was he, and we were going back and forth, and then we fell in love. OK? No, really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And they're great letters. We fell in love.
** {{citation |date=2018-09-30 |title=Trump says he and Kim Jong-un ‘fell in love’ after sending each other ‘beautiful letters’ |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-kim-jong-un-love-letters-relationship-denuclearisation-nuclear-weapons-a8561701.html}}

*Reliance on a single foreign supplier can leave nations vulnerable to extortion and intimidation and that is why we congratulate European states such as [[Poland]] for leading construction of a [[w:Baltic Pipe|Baltic pipeline]] so that nations are not dependent on Russia to meet their energy needs. Germany will become totally dependent on Russian energy if it does not immediately change course.
** Address to the UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-25 |title=At U.N., Trump hails Poland, slams Germany over Russian energy reliance |author= Reuters Staff |periodical=Reuters |url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-un-assembly-usa-germany-idUSKCN1M527Y}}

* Today I stand before the [[w:United Nations General Assembly|United Nations General Assembly]] to share the extraordinary progress we've made. In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country. America's— so true. ''[assembly laughs]'' I didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK.
** Address to UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-26 |title=Trump's U.N. speech pitting globalism against patriotism proves the president has no idea what patriotism means |author=Daniel Shapiro |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/trump-s-u-n-speech-pitting-globalism-against-patriotism-proves-ncna913141}}

* America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of [[globalism]] and we embrace the doctrine of [[patriotism]].
** Address to UN General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-25 |title=Trump’s Speech at the U.N. Triggers Laughter—and Disbelief |author=Robin Wright |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/trumps-speech-at-the-un-triggers-laughterand-disbelief}}

====October 2018====
* I know you're not thinking.  You never do.
** Donald Trump to a reporter who was going to ask a question.   {{citation |date=2018-10-02 |title=President Donald Trump To Reporter: ‘I Know You’re Not Thinking. You Never Do’ |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASOTct1woo8}}

*Only do it if I can test her personally. That will not be something I enjoy doing either.
** regarding acknowledging [[Elizabeth Warren]] as Native American
** {{citation |date=2018-10-15 |title=Trump promised $1 million to charity if Warren proved her Native American DNA. Now he’s waffling. |author=Amy B Wang and Deanna Paul |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/10/15/trump-dared-elizabeth-warren-take-dna-test-prove-her-native-american-ancestry-now-what/}}

* I have a natural instinct for science
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2018-10-15 |title=Trump: My ‘Natural Instinct for Science’ Tells Me Climate Science Is Wrong |author=Jonathan Chait |author-link=w:Jonathan Chait |periodical=New York Intelligencer |url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2018/10/trump-i-have-a-natural-instinct-for-science.html}} 

*You know they have a word, it sort of became old-fashioned, it's called a nationalist,&lt;br&gt;And I say 'really, we're not supposed to use that word?' Do you know what I am? I'm a nationalist.
**22 October 2018, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-10-23 |title=Trump declares himself a 'nationalist' while stumping for Ted Cruz |author=John Walsh |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.in/trump-declares-himself-a-nationalist-while-stumping-for-ted-cruz/articleshow/66327534.cms}} 

*Now how ridiculous: we're the only country in the world where a person comes in, has a baby, and the baby is essentially a citizen of the United States for 85 years with all of those benefits
**{{citation |date=2018-10-30 |title=Trump wants to end birthright citizenship in the U.S. |author=Associated Press |periodical=CBC |url=https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/trump-birthright-citizenship-1.4883589}}

*It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don't,&lt;br&gt;Number one, you don't need that. Number two, you can definitely do it with an act of Congress. But now they're saying I can do it just with an executive order.&lt;br&gt;It's in the process,&lt;br&gt;It'll happen, with an executive order.
**{{citation |date=2018-10-30 |title=Can Trump End Birthright Citizenship by Executive Order? |author=Robert Farley |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2018/10/can-trump-end-birthright-citizenship-by-executive-order/}}

====November 2018====
* You gotta take care of the floors. You know, the floors of the forest. It's very important. You look at other countries where they do it differently, and it's a whole different story. I was with the president of Finland, and he said, &quot;We have a much different— we're a forest nation.&quot; He called it a forest nation. And they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things, and they don't have any problem.
** Paradise, California, {{#formatdate:2018-11-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-11-20 |title=#RakeNews: People in Finland Mock Trump With Leaf-Raking Photos After He Said the Country 'Rakes the Forest' |author=Ashley Hoffman |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5458605/trump-finland-raking-reactions/}}, and with video in {{citation |date=2018-11-18 |title=Trump Says California Can Learn From Finland on Fires. Is He Right? |author=Patrick Kingsley |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/18/world/europe/finland-california-wildfires-trump-raking.html}}
** Finnish President Sauli Niinistö said he didn't recall anything being said about raking.[https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/finnish-president-says-he-briefed-trump-on-forest-monitoring/2018/11/18/dd46a57e-eb32-11e8-8b47-bd0975fd6199_story.html]

* '''Reporter''': Have you read the climate report yet?&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': I've seen it. I've read some of it and — it's fine.&lt;br /&gt;'''Reporter''': They say the economic impact could be devastating.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': Yeah. I don't believe it.&lt;br /&gt;'''Reporter''': You don't believe it?&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump''': No, no. I don't believe it. And here's the other thing: You're going to have to have China and Japan and all of Asia and all of these other countries — you know, it addresses our country. Right now, we're at the cleanest we've ever been, and that's very important to me. But if we're clean but every other place on Earth is dirty, that's not so good.
** November 26, 2018, on the [[w:Fourth National Climate Assessment|Fourth National Climate Assessment]] ({{cite news |title=Trump responds to his administration's report indicating a huge cost from climate change: ‘I don't believe it' |first=Philip |last=Bump |newspaper=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]] |date=November 26, 2018 |accessdate=December 1, 2018 |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/26/trump-responds-report-indicating-huge-cost-climate-change-i-dont-believe-it/}}; {{cite news |agency=[[w:BBC News|BBC News]] |title='I don't believe it' - Trump on climate report |date=November 26, 2018 |accessdate=December 1, 2018 |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-46324405/i-don-t-believe-it-trump-on-climate-report}}; {{cite news |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |agency=[[w:Associated Press|Associated Press]] |title=‘Yeah, I don't believe it': Trump on his administration's own climate report |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2018/nov/26/yeah-i-dont-believe-it-trump-on-administrations-own-climate-report-video}}).

* One of the problems that a lot of people like myself we have very high levels of intelligence, but we're not necessarily such believers. You look at our air and our water, and it's now at a record clean. But when you look at China and you look at parts of Asia and when you look at South America, and when you look at many other places in this world, including Russia, including just many other places, the air is incredibly dirty and when you're talking about an atmosphere, oceans are very small and it blows over and it sails over. I mean, we take thousands of tons of garbage off our beaches all the time that comes over from Asia. It just flows right down the Pacific, if flows, and we say where does this come from. And it takes many people to start off with.  
**28th November, ''Washington Post'' interview, Donald Trump on whether he believes in global warming reports of the 13 of agencies of his administration. [https://splinternews.com/man-with-very-high-level-of-intelligence-says-oceans-ar-1830699334]

====December 2018====
*I want to thank Vice President Mike Pence,&lt;br&gt;A tremendous supporter, a tremendous supporter of yours. And Karen. And they go there and they love your country. They love your country. And they love this country. That's a good combination, right?
**[https://forward.com/opinion/415676/trump-just-accused-jews-of-loving-israel-not-america-and-his-fans-cheered/ 7 December 2018]

*I am proud to shut down the government for border security, Chuck. People in this country don't want criminals and people that have lots of problems and drugs pouring into our country. I will take the mantle. I will be the one to shut it down. I won't blame you for it. The last time, you shut it down. It didn't work. I will take the mantle of shutting it down.
**Oval Office meeting with {{W|Nancy Pelosi}} and {{W|Chuck Schumer}}, leading to the {{w|2018–19 United States federal government shutdown}}. &quot;[https://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2018/12/11/Trump-proud-to-shut-down-government-in-wall-talks-with-Democrats/6271544554657/ Trump 'proud' to shut down government in wall talks with Democrats]&quot;, {{W|United Press International}} (December 12, 2018)

*Well, I don't see it. I spoke with Bibi, I told Bibi.&lt;br&gt;And, you know, we give Israel $4.5 billion a year.&lt;br&gt;And they're doing very well defending themselves, if you take a look.&lt;br&gt;So that's the way it is.&lt;br&gt;The United States cannot continue to be the policeman of the world,&lt;br&gt;We don't want to do that.
**[https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-we-give-israel-billions-it-can-defend-itself-in-syria/ 27 December 2018] re [[Benjamin Netanyahu]]

===2019===
====January 2019====
*we're getting out and we're getting out smart and we're winning, we're winning. OK. But just to answer your question, '''Over a period of time'''. I never said I'm getting out tomorrow I said I'm pulling our soldiers out and they will be pulled back in Syria, that we're getting out of Syria. Yeah absolutely. But we're getting out very powerfully.
**[http://www.aparchive.com/metadata/youtube/a1e8659d9ffa2e6b1572a49d86627be5 2 January 2019]

*Iran is no longer the same country&lt;br&gt;Iran is pulling people out of Syria.&lt;br&gt;'''They can do what they want there, frankly''', but they're pulling people out.&lt;br&gt;They're pulling people out of Yemen.&lt;br&gt;Iran wants to survive now.
**{{citation |date=2019-01-02 |title=Trump: Iran ‘can do what they want’ in Syria |author=Eric Cortellessa |periodical=Times of Israel |url=https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-iran-can-do-what-they-want-in-syria/}}

* I know more about drones than anybody. I know about every form of safety that you can have. (January 2019)
* I think nobody knows more about campaign finance than I do, because I'm the biggest contributor. (1999)
* I know more about people who get [TV] ratings than anyone. (October 2012)
* I know more about ISIS than the generals do. (November 2015)
* I understand social media. I understand the power of Twitter. I understand the power of Facebook maybe better than almost anybody, based on my results, right?  (November 2015)
* I know more about courts than any human being on Earth. (November 2015)
* [W]ho knows more about lawsuits than I do? I'm the king. (January 2016)
* I understand politicians better than anybody.
* [N]obody knows the [visa] system better than me. I know the H1B. I know the H2B. ... Nobody else on this dais knows how to change it like I do, believe me. (March 2016)
* Nobody knows more about trade than me. (March 2016)
* [N]obody knows the [U.S. government] system better than I do. (April 2016)
* I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth. (April 2016)
* I think nobody knows more about taxes than I do, maybe in the history of the world. (May 2016)
* I’m the king of debt. I’m great with debt. Nobody knows debt better than me. (June 2016)
* I understand money better than anybody. (June 2016)
* [L]ook, as a builder, nobody in the history of this country has ever known so much about infrastructure as Donald Trump. (July 2016)
* I know more about [senator] Cory [Booker] than he knows about himself. (July 2016)
* I think I know more about the other side [Democrats] than almost anybody. (November 2016)
* [N]obody knows more about construction than I do. (May 2018)
* I think I know about [the economy] better than [the Federal Reserve]. (October 2018)
* Technology — nobody knows more about technology than me. (December 2018)
* I know more about drones than anybody. I know about every form of safety that you can have.&quot; (January 2019)
* Having a drone fly overhead — and I think nobody knows much more about technology, this type of technology certainly, than I do. (January 2019)
** [https://www.axios.com/2019/01/05/everything-trump-says-he-knows-more-about-than-anybody &quot;Everything Trump says he knows &quot;more about than anybody&quot;&quot;], ''Axios'' (January 5, 2019)

*We are born free, and we will stay free. Tonight, we renew our resolve that America will never be a socialist country.
**{{citation |date=2019-01-05 |title=Trump to Ocasio-Cortez: 'America will never be a socialist country' |author=Joel Gehrke |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/policy/defense-national-security/trump-to-ocasio-cortez-america-will-never-be-a-socialist-country}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you over this shutdown?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' '''The buck stops with everybody.'''&lt;/p&gt;
**White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2019-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation
|date=2019-01-10 |title=Rejecting responsibility, Trump declares, ‘The buck stops with everybody’ |author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC |url=http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/rejecting-responsibility-trump-declares-the-buck-stops-everybody}}, and with video in {{citation |date=2019-01-10 |title=Trump: 'Buck stops with everybody' for shutdown he was proud to own |author=Oliver Willis |periodical=American Independent |url=https://americanindependent.com/trump-buck-stops-with-everybody-shutdown-proud/}}

*We have pizzas, we have three-hundred hamburgers, many, many French fries, all of our favourite foods.&lt;br&gt;I want to see what's here when we leave, because I don't think it's going to be much.&lt;br&gt;If it's American, I like it. It's all American stuff.
**14 January 2019 quote mentioned in [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46873386 article] by BBC

*Do we give you some little quick salads that the first lady will make, along with the second lady — they’ll make some salads.&lt;br&gt;I said you guys aren’t into salads.&lt;br&gt;Or do I go out and send out for about one-thousand hamburgers?&lt;br&gt;Big Macs.&lt;br&gt;So we actually did.&lt;br&gt;We bought one-thousand Burger King.&lt;br&gt;All American companies.&lt;br&gt;Burger King, Wendy’s and McDonald’s.
**14 January 2019 quote mentioned in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-fast-food-white-house-779128/ article] by Rolling Stone
{{anchor|hamberders}}
*Great being with the National Champion Clemson Tigers lat night at the White House.&lt;br&gt;Because of the Shutdown I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid),&lt;br&gt;over 1000 hamberders etc.&lt;br&gt;Within one hour, it was all gone.&lt;br&gt;Great guys and big eaters!
**15 January 2019 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1085159285208858624 tweet]

*National African American History Month&lt;br&gt;is an occasion to rediscover the enduring stories of African Americans and the&lt;br&gt;gifts of freedom, purpose, and opportunity they have bestowed on future&lt;br&gt;generations.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/presidential-proclamation-national-african-american-history-month-2019/ early 31 January 2019 proclamation on WhiteHouse.gov] regarding [[Wikipedia:Black History Month|black history month]]
***[https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/1091427927475085312 reposted 1 February 2019 on Twitter]

====February 2019====
*They're starting to, as we gain the remainder, the final remainder of the caliphate of the area, they'll be going to our base in Iraq, and ultimately some will be coming home. But we're going to be there and we're going to be staying--&lt;br&gt;We have to protect Israel. We have to protect other things that we have. But we're- yeah, they'll be coming back in a matter of time. Look, we're protecting the world. We're spending more money than anybody's ever spent in history, by a lot. We spent, over the last five years, close to 50 billion dollars a year in [[Afghanistan]]. That's more than most countries spend for everything including education, medical, and everything else, other than a few countries.&lt;br&gt;
**[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-interview-face-the-nation-margaret-brennan-today-2019-02-01/ 1 February 2019] broadcast [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/transcript-president-trump-on-face-the-nation-february-3-2019/ 3 February 2019]

* We stand with the [[Venezuela|Venezuelan]] people in their noble quest for freedom—and we condemn the brutality of the [[Maduro]] regime, whose socialist policies have turned that nation from being the wealthiest in [[South America]] into a state of abject [[poverty]] and [[despair]]
** &quot;[https://fair.org/home/the-media-myth-of-once-prosperous-and-democratic-venezuela-before-chavez/ The Media Myth of ‘Once Prosperous’ and Democratic Venezuela Before Chávez]&quot;  (February 6, 2019)

*Since the founding of our nation, many of our greatest strides — from gaining our independence to abolition of civil rights to extending the vote for women — have been led by people of faith
**[https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-civil-rights-abolition-prayer-breakfast_us_5c5e14ace4b0eec79b236874 08 February 2019]

* In fact, I think I can say this, [[Shinzō Abe|Prime Minister Abe]] of [[Japan]] gave me the most beautiful copy of a letter that he sent to the people who give out a thing called the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]]. He said: '''&quot;I have nominated you, respectfully, on behalf of Japan. I am asking them to give you the Nobel Peace Prize.&quot;''' I said, 'Thank you.'&lt;br&gt;We do a lot of good work. This administration does a tremendous job and we don't get credit for it. '''So Prime Minister Abe gave me — I mean it's the most beautiful five-page letter, Nobel Prize, he sent it to them.''' You know why? Because he had rocket ships and he had missiles flying over Japan, and they had alarms going off — you know that. Now all of the sudden they feel good, they feel safe. I did that.
** 15 February 2019 ({{cite news |title=You won't believe what Trump just said: 6 eye-popping moments |first=Dareh |last=Gregorian |agency=[[w:NBC News|NBC News]] |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/you-won-t-believe-what-trump-just-said-6-eye-n972166}})

====Spring 2019====
*there will be some people in the room that don't like this. We're down to 3.7 percent [[Unemployment in the United States|unemployment]] — the lowest number in a long time. But think of this: I got all these companies moving in. They need workers. We have to bring people into our country to work these great plants that are opening up all over the place. This was not necessarily what I was saying during the campaign because I never knew we would be as successful as we've been. Companies are roaring back into our country, and now we want people to come in. We need workers to come in, but they've got to come in legally, and they've got to come in through merit, merit, merit.
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-2019-conservative-political-action-conference/ 3 March 2019]
 
*Hello, everybody. The economic numbers just came out; they're very, very good. Our country is doing unbelievably well, economically. Most of you don't report that, because it doesn't sound good from your perspective. But the country is doing really, really well. We have a lot of very exciting things going on. A lot of companies will be announcing shortly they're moving back into the United States. They're all coming back. They want to be where the action is.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900207/html/DCPD-201900207.htm 5 April 2019]

* If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75 percent in value. &lt;b&gt;And they say the noise causes [[cancer]]. &lt;/b&gt; You told me that one, OK. ''[makes circles with his hands and a noise with his mouth]'' You know the thing makes so... and of course it's like a graveyard for birds.
** Speech to Republican National Congressional Committee, {{#formatdate:2019-04-02}}, quoted in {{cite news|date=
{{#formatdate:2019-04-03}}|title=Trump's war on windmills now includes wild cancer claim|author=Zachary B. Wolf|work=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/03/politics/trumps-war-on-windmills-now-includes-wild-cancer-claim/index.html}} and in {{cite web|date=2019-04-08|accessdate=2019-08-18|website={{w|Politifact}}|title=Donald Trump's ridiculous link between cancer, wind turbines|author=Jon Greenberg|url=https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2019/apr/08/donald-trump/republicans-dismiss-trumps-windmill-and-cancer-cla/}}
 
* They have to get the shots. The [[vaccinations]] are so important. This is really going around now. They have to get their shots.
** Reported in Maegan Vazquez, &quot;[https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/26/politics/donald-trump-measles-vaccines Trump now says parents must vaccinate children in face of measles outbreak]&quot;, CNN (April 26, 2019).

*The Jews always flip.
**attested to by Michael Wolff [https://forward.com/fast-forward/425037/trump-jews-always-flip-michael-wolff-michael-cohen-david-pecker/ 28 May 2019]

====June 2019====
*There is no basis whatsoever for [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeachment]]. None. There was no collusion. There was no obstruction. There was no crime. The crime was by the Democrats. The crime was by the Democrats. There is no legal basis for impeachment. It's a big witch hunt. Everybody knows it, including the Democrats.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900366/html/DCPD-201900366.htm 2 June 2019]

* This week, we commemorate a mighty endeavor of righteous nations and one of the greatest undertakings in all of history. Seventy-five years ago, more than 150,000 Allied troops were preparing on this island to parachute into France, storm the beaches of Normandy, and win back our civilization. As Her Majesty remembers, the [[British people]] had hoped and prayed and fought for this day for nearly 5 years. When [[Great Britain|Britain]] stood alone during [[w:The Blitz|the Blitz]] of 1940 and 1941, the Nazi war machine dropped thousands of bombs on this country and right on this magnificent city. Buckingham Palace alone was bombed on 16 separate occasions. In that dark hour, the people of this nation showed the world what it means to be British. They cleared wreckage from the streets, displayed the Union Jack from their shattered homes, and kept fighting on to victory. They only wanted victory. The courage of the United Kingdom's sons and daughters ensured that your destiny would always remain in your own hands. Through it all, the royal family was the resolute face of the Commonwealth's unwavering solidarity.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900368/html/DCPD-201900368.htm 3 June 2019] 

* This evening we thank God for the brave sons of the United Kingdom and the United States who defeated the Nazis and the Nazi regime and liberated millions from [[tyranny]]. The [[United Kingdom–United States relations|bond between our nations]] was forever sealed in that &quot;Great Crusade.&quot; As we honor our shared victory and heritage, we affirm the common values that will unite us long into the future: [[freedom]], [[sovereignty]], self-determination, the [[rule of law]], and reverence for the rights given to us by Almighty God. From the [[World War II|Second World War]] to today, Her Majesty has stood as a constant symbol of these priceless traditions. She has embodied the spirit of dignity, duty, and patriotism that beats proudly in every British heart. On behalf of all Americans, I offer a toast to the eternal friendship of our people, the vitality of our nations, and to the long, cherished, and truly remarkable reign of [[Elizabeth II|Her Majesty the Queen]]. Thank you.
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900368/html/DCPD-201900368.htm 3 June 2019]

* You’re talking about [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]] and at that time nobody had ever heard of [[Vietnam|the country]]
** Trump was describing the US knowledge about Vietnam in 1968, when about one half million US troops were stationed in Vietnam, as quoted in {{cite news|date={{#formatdate:2019-06-05}}|title=Trump says was 'never a fan' of Vietnam War, and that Americans hadn't heard of country in 1968|work=Japan Times|url=https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2019/06/06/world/politics-diplomacy-world/trump-says-never-fan-vietnam-war-claims-americans-hadnt-heard-country-1968/#.XraZ4hMzbOQ}}

* I think a lot of progress was made yesterday, but we have to make a lot of progress. Mexico has been making, for many, many years, hundreds of billions of dollars. And then, they've been making an absolute fortune on the United States. They have to step up, and they have to step up to the plate, and perhaps they will. We're going to see. They can solve the problem. The Democrats—Congress has been a disaster. They won't change. They won't do anything. They want free immigration—immigration to pour into our country. They don't care who it is. They don't care what kind of a record they have. It doesn't make any difference. They're not going to be changing anything. We go to them, we say, &quot;Let's fix the immigration laws.&quot; They just want it to do badly. The worse it does, the happier they are. So that's the way it is, and I guess that's the way it will be until after the election. It's just a disgrace. Because, frankly, we could solve this problem so easy if the Democrats in Congress were willing to make some changes, but they're not. And that's the way it is. They want to just ride it out. They want to have a real bad time. They don't care about crime. They don't care about drugs pouring into our country. They couldn't care less. It's all politics. It's a vicious business. So that's the way it is. But we're having a great talk with Mexico. We'll see what happens. But something pretty dramatic could happen. We've told Mexico the tariffs go on. And I mean it too. And I'm very happy with it. And lot of people, Senators included, they have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to tariffs. They have no—absolutely no idea. When you have the money, when you have the product, when you have the thing that everybody wants, you're in a position to do very well with tariffs, and that's where we are. We're the piggybank. The United States is the piggybank. It has all the money that others want to take from us, but they're not taking it so easy anymore. It's a lot different. Our talks with China—a lot of interesting things are happening. We'll see what happens. 
**[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900372/html/DCPD-201900372.htm 6 June 2019]

* ''Reporter:'' Are you willing to go to war with Iran?&lt;br /&gt;''Trump:'' You'll find out. You'll find out.
** {{cite news|date={{#formatdate:2019-06-20}}|title=Trump tells public 'you'll find out' when asked about a war with Iran|work=The Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/world/trump-tells-public-youll-find-out-when-asked-about-a-war-with-iran/2019/06/20/18f8c92d-b370-4a01-a948-4144be20f730_video.html}}

* For some reason we have a certain chemistry — or whatever. Let's see what happens. We have a long way to go. But I'm in no rush... So, I just want to say that we are going to be heading out to the DMZ and '''it's something I planned long ago but had the idea yesterday''' to maybe say hello, just shake hands quickly and say hello.
** press conference, Blue House, Seoul, South Korea, quoted in {{citation
|date=2019-06-30 |title=Trump: Kim and I &quot;have a certain chemistry&quot; |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/politics/live-news/trump-dmz-kim-live-intl-hnk/h_8b23e071903b007d8ff1934be8457d2c}}

=====Remarks on the 75th Anniversary of D-Day in Colleville-sur-Mer, France=====
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/DCPD-201900373/html/DCPD-201900373.htm Transcript] (June 6, 2016)&lt;/small&gt;

* Here with you are over 60 veterans who landed on [[w:D-Day|D-day]]. Our debt to you is everlasting. Today we express our undying gratitude. When you were young, these men enlisted their lives in a great crusade, one of the greatest of all times. Their mission is the story of an epic battle and the ferocious, eternal struggle between good and evil. On the 6th of June, 1944, they joined a liberation force of awesome power and breathtaking scale. After months of planning, the Allies had chosen this ancient coastline to mount their campaign to vanquish the wicked tyranny of the [[Nazism|Nazi]] empire from the face of the Earth. The battle began in the skies above us. In those first tense midnight hours, 1,000 aircraft roared overhead, with 17,000 Allied airborne troops preparing to leap into the darkness beyond these trees. Then came dawn. The enemy who had occupied these heights saw the largest naval armada in the history of the world. Just a few miles offshore were 7,000 vessels bearing 130,000 warriors.
* They were the citizens of free and independent nations, united by their duty to their compatriots and to millions yet unborn. There were the [[British people|British]], whose nobility and fortitude saw them through the worst of [[w:Battle of Dunkirk|Dunkirk]] and the [[w:London Blitz|London Blitz]]. The full violence of Nazi fury was no match for the full grandeur of British pride. Thank you. There were the [[Canada|Canadians]], whose robust sense of honor and loyalty compelled them to take up arms alongside Britain from the very, very beginning. There were the fighting [[Poland|Poles]], the tough [[Norway|Norwegians]], and the intrepid [[Australia|Aussies]]. There were the gallant French commandos, soon to be met by thousands of their brave countrymen ready to write a new chapter in the long history of French valor. And finally, there were the Americans. They came from the farms of a vast heartland, the streets of glowing cities and the forges of mighty industrial towns. Before the war, many had never ventured beyond their own community. Now they had come to offer their lives half a world from home.
* This beach, codenamed [[w:Omaha Beach|Omaha]], was defended by the Nazis with monstrous firepower, thousands and thousands of mines and spikes driven into the sand, so deeply. It was here that tens of thousands of the Americans came. The GIs who boarded the landing craft that morning knew that they carried on their shoulders not just the pack of a soldier, but the fate of the world. Colonel [[w:George A. Taylor|George Taylor]], whose [[w:16th Infantry Regiment (United States)|16th Infantry Regiment]] would join in the first wave, was asked: What would happen if the Germans stopped right then and there, cold on the beach, just stopped them? What would happen? This great American replied: &quot;Why, the 18th Infantry is coming in right behind us. The 26th Infantry will come on too. Then, there is the [[w:2nd Infantry Division (United States)|2nd Infantry Division]] already afloat. And the 9th Division. And the 2d Armored. And the 3d Armored. And all the rest. Maybe the 16th won't make it, but someone will.&quot;
* Nine thousand three hundred and eighty-eight young Americans rest beneath the white crosses and Stars of David arrayed on these beautiful grounds. Each one has been adopted by a French family that thinks of him as their own. They come from all over France to look after our boys. They kneel. They cry. They pray. They place flowers. And they never forget. Today America embraces the French people and thanks you for honoring our beloved dead. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
* To all of our friends and partners: Our cherished alliance was forged in the heat of battle, tested in the trials of war, and proven in the blessings of peace. Our bond is unbreakable. 
* From across the Earth, Americans are drawn to this place as though it were a part of our very soul. We come not only because of what they did here, we come because of who they were. They were young men with their entire lives before them. They were husbands who said goodbye to their young brides and took their duty as their fate. They were fathers who would never meet their infant sons and daughters because they had a job to do. And with God as their witness, they were going to get it done. They came wave after wave, without question, without hesitation, and without complaint. 
* More powerful than the strength of American arms was the strength of American hearts. These men ran through the fires of hell moved by a force no weapon could destroy: the fierce patriotism of a free, proud, and sovereign people. They battled not for control and domination, but for liberty, democracy, and self-rule. They pressed on for love in home and country, the main streets, the schoolyards, the churches and neighbors, the families and communities that gave us men such as these. They were sustained by the confidence that America can do anything because we are a noble nation, with a virtuous people, praying to a righteous God. The exceptional might came from a truly exceptional spirit. The abundance of courage came from an abundance of faith. The great deeds of an [[United States Army|Army]] came from the great depths of their love. As they confronted their fate, the Americans and the Allies placed themselves into the palm of God's hand.
* The men behind me will tell you that they are just the lucky ones. As one of them recently put it, &quot;All the heroes are buried here.&quot; But we know what these men did. We knew how brave they were. They came here and saved freedom, and then, they went home and showed us all what freedom is all about. The American sons and daughters who saw us to victory were no less extraordinary in peace. They built families. They built industries. They built a national culture that inspired the entire world. In [[Aftermath of World War II|the decades that followed]], America defeated [[communism]], secured [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]], revolutionized [[science]], [[Apollo 11|launched a man to the Moon]], and then kept on pushing to new frontiers. And today, America is stronger than ever before.
* Seven decades ago, the warriors of D-day fought a sinister enemy who spoke of a thousand-year empire. In defeating that evil, they left a legacy that will last not only for a thousand years, but for all time—for as long as the soul knows of duty and honor; for as long as freedom keeps its hold on the human heart. To the men who sit behind me, and to the boys who rest in the field before me, your example will never, ever grow old. Your legend will never tire. Your spirit—brave, unyielding, and true—will never die. The blood that they spilled, the tears that they shed, the lives that they gave, the sacrifice that they made, did not just win a battle. It did not just win a war. Those who fought here won a future for our Nation. They won the survival of our civilization. And they showed us the way to love, cherish, and defend our way of life for many centuries to come. Today, as we stand together upon this sacred Earth, we pledge that our nations will forever be strong and united. We will forever be together. Our people will forever be bold. Our hearts will forever be loyal. And our children, and their children, will forever and always be free. May God bless our great veterans, may God bless our Allies, may God bless the heroes of D-day, and may God bless America. Thank you. Thank you very much.

====July 2019====
* Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do.
** Trump was describing battles in 1775, as quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/48885319 Trump blames 'airports' gaffe on teleprompter]

*The kidney has a very special place in the heart.
**[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/11/the-kidney-has-a-very-special-place-in-the-heart-says-donald-trump-video 11 July 2019]

* &quot;I said, you know, you don't like me and I don't like you. I never have liked you and you never liked me but you're going to support me because you're a rich guy. And if you don't support me, you're going to be so goddamn poor you're not going to believe it.&quot;
** Trump was referring to an unnamed businessperson, as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Analysis: The 51 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's NC rally |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=WLOS.com |url=https://wlos.com/news/local/analysis-the-51-most-outrageous-lines-from-donald-trumps-nc-rally}}

* Everybody calls me Mr. President. It's true. It's a funny thing.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Analysis: The 51 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's NC rally |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=WLOS.com |url=https://wlos.com/news/local/analysis-the-51-most-outrageous-lines-from-donald-trumps-nc-rally}}

* Then, I have an [[w:Article Two of the United States Constitution|Article II]], where I have to the right to do whatever I want as president [...] But I don’t even talk about that.
** Speech at the [[w:Turning Point USA|Turning Point USA]] Teen Student Action Summit, Washington DC (July 23, 2019), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/07/23/trump-falsely-tells-auditorium-full-teens-constitution-gives-him-right-do-whatever-i-want/ &quot;While bemoaning Mueller probe, Trump falsely says the Constitution gives him 'the right to do whatever I want'&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (July 23, 2019)

* [[Boris Johnson]], good man he is tough but he is smart. They call him Brittain Trump..They like me over there
** [www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0wO89TT9vI Trump on Johnson: 'They call him Britain Trump' - BBC News] July 24, 2019

*These people  [Democrats] are clowns
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-signing-safe-third-country-agreement-guatemala/ from the White House on July 26 (video)]

*I am the least racist person there is anywhere in the world
**30 July 2019 [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/30/trump-claims-least-racist-person-in-the-world per The Guardian]

====August 2019====
* I think my rhetoric is a very – it brings people together.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-07 |title=While slamming critics, Trump says his words ‘bring people together’
|author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC |url=http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/while-slamming-critics-trump-says-his-words-bring-people-together}}

* I think any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat -- it shows either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-21 |title=Jewish leaders outraged by Trump saying Jews disloyal if they vote for Democrats |author=Maegan Vazquez, Jim Acosta |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2019/08/20/politics/donald-trump-jewish-americans-democrat-disloyalty/index.html?no-st=9999999999}}

* I am the chosen one. Somebody had to do it, so I'm taking on China... and you know what we're winning.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2019-08-21 |title=Donald Trump: 'I am the chosen one' |author=Tola Mbakwe|periodical=CNN |url=https://premierchristian.news/en/news/article/donald-trump-i-am-the-chosen-one}}

====September 2019====
* Where’s my favorite [[Dictatorship|dictator]]?
** Trump was looking for Egyptian President [[Abdel Fattah el-Sisi]], as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-09-13 |title=Trump, Awaiting Egyptian Counterpart at Summit, Called Out for ‘My Favorite Dictator’ | author=By Nancy A. Youssef, Vivian Salama and Michael C. Bender | url=https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-awaiting-egyptian-counterpart-at-summit-called-out-for-my-favorite-dictator-11568403645?tesla=y&amp;mod=e2twp}} 

* I always look orange. And so do you. The light is the worst.
** Trump complained about energy-saving light bulbs, quoted by {{citation |date=2019-09-24 |title=Trump on Why He Doesn’t Like Energy-Efficient Lightbulbs: “I Always Look Orange” |author=Elliot Hannon |url=https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/09/trump-on-why-he-doesnt-like-energy-efficient-light-bulbs-i-always-look-orange.html}}

* The truth is plain to see — if you want freedom, take pride in your country; if you want [[democracy]], hold onto your sovereignty, and if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots. The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbours, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
** Address to United Nations General Assembly, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-09-13 |title=Trump UN speech knocks globalism: The future belongs to nationalism |author=Tim Pearce |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/trump-un-speech-knocks-globalism-the-future-belongs-to-nationalism}}

====October 2019====
=====Statement on the Death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi=====
[[File:President Trump Watches as U.S. Special Operations Forces Close in on ISIS Leader (48967991042).jpg|thumb|Last night, the [[United States]] brought the [[world]]'s number one [[terrorist]] [[leader]] to [[justice]]. [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi]] is [[dead]]. He was the founder and leader of [[ISIS]], the most ruthless and violent terror organization in the World.]] 
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/statement-president-death-abu-bakr-al-baghdadi/ Offiical release at Whitehouse.gov (27 October 2019)] · [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/27/us/trump-transcript-isis-al-baghdadi.html Transcript of delivered remarks at ''The New York Times'' (27 October 2019)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6YvsrGILrw &quot;President Trump's full announcement on the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi&quot;, ''The Washington Post''    YouTube channel (27 October 2019)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* Last night, the [[United States]] brought the [[world]]'s number one [[terrorist]] [[leader]] to [[justice]]. [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi]] is [[dead]]. He was the founder and leader of [[ISIS]], the most ruthless and violent terror organization in the World. The United States has been searching for Baghdadi for many years.  Capturing or killing Baghdadi has been the top [[national security]] priority of my Administration. U.S. Special Operations forces executed a [[dangerous]] and [[daring]] nighttime raid into Northwestern [[Syria]] to [[accomplish]] this [[mission]].

* Terrorists who oppress and murder innocent people should never sleep soundly, knowing that we will completely destroy them. These savage monsters will not escape their fate – and they will not escape the final judgement of God.

* This raid was impeccable, and could only have taken place with the acknowledgement and help of certain other nations and people. &lt;br /&gt; I want to thank the nations of Russia, Turkey, Syria and Iraq, and I also want to thank the Syrian Kurds for certain support they were able to give us. Thank you as well to the great intelligence professionals who helped make this very successful journey possible.

* Last night was a great night for the United States and for the World. A brutal killer, one who has caused so much hardship and death, was violently eliminated – he will never again harm another innocent man, woman or child.  He died like a dog.  He died like a coward.  The world is now a much safer place.

* I don't want to say how, but we had absolutely perfect -- as though you were watching a movie. It was -- that -- that in -- the technology there alone is -- is really great.
**[https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/27/politics/donald-trump-baghdadi-death-isis/index.html 27 October 2019]

====November 2019====
*I WANT NOTHING I WANT NOTHING I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO. TELL [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|ZELLINSKY]] TO DO THE RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE FINAL WORD FROM THE PRES. OF THE U.S.
**[https://www.vox.com/2019/11/20/20974383/trump-big-sharpie-notes-on-impeachment-testimony Remarks on a notepad, White House lawn, November 20], after Ambassador Gordon Sondland's testimony.

====December 2019====
* We have a situation where we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers, and other elements of bathrooms.&lt;br&gt;You turn on the faucet and you don't get any water..&lt;br&gt;People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.&lt;br&gt;They have so much water that it comes down. It's called rain.
** Quoted in {{citation |author=Matthew Cantor |title=Trump says people 'flush the toilet 10 times' and seeks solution
|periodical=The Guardian |date=2019-12-06 |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/dec/06/trump-says-people-flush-the-toilet-10-times-and-seeks-solution}}

* So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!
** Trump was commenting on the Swedish school pupil and climate activist Greta Thunberg after she was named Time’s Person of the Year for 2019, as quoted by {{citation | author=Reuters staff | title=Climate activist Thunberg hits back at Trump over anger management taunt
| periodical=Reuters | date=2019-12-06 | url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-thunberg-idUSKBN27M0TN}}

* I never understood wind. I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody. I know it is very expensive. They are made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are manufactured, tremendous—if you are into this—tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?&lt;br&gt;So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right spewing, whether it is China or Germany, is going into the air.&lt;br&gt;You see all those [windmills]. They’re all different shades of color.  They’re like sort of white, but one is like an orange-white. It’s my favorite color, orange.
**[[w:Turning Point USA|Turning Point USA]] conference, {{#formatdate:2019-12-21}}, quoted in {{citation |author=Connor Mannion |title=Trump Attacks Windmills in Speech to Conservative Group: ‘I Never Understood Wind’ |periodical=Mediaite |date=2019-12-22 |url=https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-attacks-windmills-in-speech-to-conservative-group-i-never-understood-wind/}}

===2020===
* My administration will never stop fighting for Americans of faith
** At a rally for evangelicals earlier in 2020 according to  [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-secretly-mocks-his-christian-supporters/616522/  Trump Secretly Mocks His Christian Supporters] September 29, 2020

====January 2020====
* &lt;!--[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=0s): Tesla's now worth more than GM and Ford; do you have comments on Elon Musk?  --&gt;&lt;!-- [00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=4s):--&gt; Well, you have to give [[Elon Musk|him]] credit.  I spoke to him very recently, and he's also doing the rockets, he likes rockets, and he does good at rockets too, by the way.  I never saw… where [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage booster|the engines]] come down with no wings, no anything, [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage landings|and they're landing]].  I've said I've never seen that before. &lt;!--[00:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=19s):--&gt; And I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius.  We have to protect [[Thomas Edison]], we have to protect all of these people that came up originally with the [[w:light bulb|light bulb]], and the [[w:wheel|wheel]], and all of these things.  And he's one of our very smart people, and we want to cherish those people, that's very important.  But he's done a very good job. &lt;!--[00:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&amp;t=41s):--&gt; Shocking, how well, …how it's come so fast.  You go back a year, and they were talking about the end of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|the company]] and all of a sudden they're talking about these great things.  He's going to be building [[w:Gigafactory|a very big plant]] in the United States.  He has to.  Because we help him, so he has to help us.
** on [[Elon Musk]], [[Tesla]], and [[SpaceX]] after Tesla stock valuation beat [[w:General Motors|General Motors]] and [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] combined
** {{citation|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ|title=Trump on Elon Musk: I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses|interviewer=[[w:Joe Kernen|Joe Kernen]]|date=2020-01-22|work=CNBC Television|via=Youtube|location=[[w:World Economic Forum|World Economic Forum]], [[w:Davos|Davos]], Switzerland}}

*'''{{w|Joe Kernen}}''': It was a couple of years ago. Before we get started-- with- we're going talk about the economy and a lot of other things--the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention|CDC]]-- has identified a case of [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in Washington (state)|coronavirus-- in Washington state]]. The {{w|Wuhan}} strain of this. If you remember {{w|SARS}}, that affected [[GDP]]. Travel-related effects. Do you-- have you been briefed by the CDC? And--
:'''Donald Trump''': I have, and--
:'''Joe Kernen''': --are there worries about a pandemic at this point?
:'''Donald Trump''': No. Not at all. And-- we're-- we have it totally under control. &lt;b&gt;It's one person coming in from [[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic in mainland China|China]], and we have it under control.&lt;/b&gt; It's—going to be just fine.
:'''Joe Kernen''': Okay. And [[w:President of the People's Republic of China|President]] Xi-- there's just some-- talk in China that maybe the transparency isn't everything that it's going to be. Do you trust that we're going to know everything we need to know from China?
:'''Donald Trump''': I do. I do. I have a great relationship with President Xi. [[w:China–United States trade war#2020|We just signed]] probably the biggest deal ever made. It certainly has the potential to be the biggest deal ever made. And-- it was a very interesting period of time time {{sic}}.
:'''Joe Kernen''': Yeah. Let’s get into that--
:'''Donald Trump''': But we got it done, and-- no, I do. I think-- the [[China–United States relations|relationship]] is very, very good.
:* Interview with {{w|CNBC}}'s {{w|Joe Kernen}} at the {{w|World Economic Forum}} in {{w|Davos, Switzerland}}, January 22, 2020. [https://www.cnbc.com/2020/01/22/cnbc-transcript-president-donald-trump-sits-down-with-cnbcs-joe-kernen-at-the-world-economic-forum-in-davos-switzerland.html Transcript online] at ''{{w|CNBC}}''

* China has been working very hard to contain the [[COVID-19 pandemic|Coronavirus]]. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency.
** Cited by {{citation |date=2020-01-24 |title=Trump Is Inciting a Coronavirus Culture War to Save Himself
|author=Adam Serwer |periodical=The Atlantic |url=https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/03/trump-is-the-chinese-governments-most-useful-idiot/608638/}}

*During National African American History Month, we honor the extraordinary contributions made by African Americans throughout the history of our Republic
**[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/proclamation-national-african-american-history-month-2020/ 31 January 2020]
***[https://twitter.com/CFTC/status/1233507203853758468 reposted 28 February 2020 by CFTC]

====February 2020====
* And by the way, the [[SARS-CoV-2|virus]]. They're working hard. Looks like by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that's true.
** Regarding [[Covid-19 pandemic in the United States|coronavirus]]
** Rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-10}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-26|title=Trump’s dangerous message on coronavirus|author=Doyle McManus|periodical=LA Times|url=https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2020-02-26/trumps-dangerous-message-on-coronavirus}}

* There are a lot of dishonest slimeballs out there. Dishonest scum. Dirty cops, lot of dirty cops … the ones on top, they were absolute scum.
** Trump described former senior law enforcement officials who were involved in the FBI probes into his campaign, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-20|title=Trump repeatedly struggles to pronounce words during conspiracy-laden rally, before suggesting he'll pardon Roger Stone in late-night tweet |author=Tom Embury-Dennis |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-rally-twitter-roger-stone-sentence-pardon-2020-election-rally-phoenix-arizona-a9345956.html}}

* And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that's a pretty good job we've done.
** Regarding known [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|coronavirus cases]].
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-02-26}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-11 |title=Coronavirus: US passes 1,000 cases – two weeks after Trump said number would soon be 'close to zero' |author=Chris Riotta |periodical=The Independent |location=UK  |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-cases-us-map-trump-how-many-infected-a9393061.html}}

* We know all the people. We know all the good people. It's a question I asked the doctors before. Some of the people we cut, they haven't been used for many, many years, and if we ever need them, we can get them very quickly. And rather than spending the money — I'm a businessperson, I don't like having thousands of people around when you don't need 'em, when we need 'em, we can get them back very quickly.
** Asked about his consistent [[w:Criticism of response to the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic#Funding cut by Trump administration|budget cuts]] to the CDC, the NIH, and the WHO.
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-02-26}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-28 |title=As the World Reaches for Face Masks, Trump Buries His Head in the Sand |author=Jonathan Chait |author-link=w:Jonathan Chait |periodical=New York |url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/02/trump-coronavirus-response.html}}

* Can we get like ''[[Gone with the Wind (film)|Gone with the Wind]]'' back, please? ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'', so many great movies.  
** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms]
** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms Trump slams Oscar-winning South Korean film 'Parasite', praises 'Gone with the Wind']video posted February 22, 2020

* It's going to disappear. One day it's like a miracle, it will disappear. And from our shores, we — you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We'll see what happens. Nobody really knows.
** Regarding coronavirus
** African American History Month reception, White House, {{#formatdate:2020-02-27}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-29 |title=Inside Trump’s frantic attempts to minimize the coronavirus crisis |author= 
Yasmeen Abutaleb, Ashley Parker and Josh Dawsey |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/inside-trumps-frantic-attempts-to-minimize-the-coronavirus-crisis/2020/02/29/7ebc882a-5b25-11ea-9b35-def5a027d470_story.html}}. Video of the event available at [https://www.c-span.org/video/?469786-1/president-trump-hosts-african-american-history-month-reception cspan]

=====Donald Trump Charleston, South Carolina Rally (February 28, 2020)=====
:&lt;small&gt;Donald Trump Charleston, South Carolina Rally (February 28, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-charleston-south-carolina-rally-transcript-february-28-2020 transcript online] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.&lt;/small&gt;

* Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All I can say is that the fake news just doesn't get it, do they? They don't get it. [inaudible 00:02:54] They just don't get it. Hello Charleston, and I'm thrilled to be back in the great state of [[South Carolina]] with thousands of hardworking American Patriots who believe in faith, family, God, and country. Thank you. It's a phenomenal crowd, only topped by the number of people outside that didn't get in. If anybody would like to give up where you're standing or your seat, please raise your hand. All right. Then let's begin, right? Thank you all very much though. This is great. No, they don't get it. Down the road, they have a rally for one of the people that are going to be running tomorrow. They're trying to get to a hundred, but they're not going to make it. So I think they're going to set up a round table. Well, that's what they do. So people want to go to a rally, they end up sitting at a round table talking about their definition of impeachment. Crazy.

* No, it's crazy. Crazy! It's a crazy deal. No, the fake news media, they've been trying to figure this out for years. They still don't get it though. They don't get it. Look at all of those cameras. Look at all of those cameras. That's a lot of cameras. That's a lot of cameras, Lindsey and Tim, that's a lot of... They heard you guys were here. They heard Tim was here and that Lindsey was here and that... And they said, &quot;We're not going to attend that rally,&quot; but when we heard those two guys plus our great congressmen, they're here, great congressmen. But this is an incredible time for our nation. We're thrilled to be in the midst of what we call the Great American Comeback and that's what it is. Jobs are booming, incomes are soaring, factories are returning, poverty is plummeting, confidence is surging, and we have completely rebuilt the awesome power of the United States military. Our country is stronger than ever before.

* We are stronger, we are better, but while we are building a great future, the radical left Democrats in Washington are trying to burn it all down. They have spent the last three years, and I can even go further than that, three years since the election, but we go before the election, working to erase your ballots and overthrow our democracy. But with your help, we have exposed the far left's corruption and defeated their sinister schemes and let's see what happens in the coming months. Let's watch. Let's just watch. Very dishonest people. Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus, you know that right? Coronavirus, they're politicizing it. We did one of the great jobs. You say, &quot;How's President Trump doing?&quot; They go, &quot;Oh, not good, not good.&quot; They have no clue. They don't have any clue. They can't even count their votes in Iowa. They can't even count. No, they can't. They can't count their votes.

* One of my people came up to me and said, &quot;Mr. President, they tried to beat you on Russia, Russia, Russia.&quot; That didn't work out too well. They couldn't do it. They tried the [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeachment]] hoax. That was on a perfect conversation. They tried anything. They tried it over and over. They'd been doing it since you got in. It's all turning. They lost. It's all turning. Think of it. Think of it. '''And this is their new hoax.''' But we did something that's been pretty amazing. We have 15 people in this massive country and because of the fact that we went early. We went early, we could have had a lot more than that. We're doing great. Our country is doing so great. We are so unified. We are so unified. The Republican party has never ever been unified like it is now. There has never been a movement in the history of our country like we have now. Never been a movement. So a statistic that we want to talk about, go ahead. Say USA. It's okay. USA. So a number that nobody heard of, that I heard of recently and I was shocked to hear it, 35,000 people on average die each year from the flu. Did anyone know that? 35,000, that's a lot of people. It could go to 100,000, it could be 27,000. They say usually a minimum of 27, goes up to 100,000 people a year die. And so far we have lost nobody to [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|coronavirus in the United States]]. Nobody. And it doesn't mean we won't and we are totally prepared. It doesn't mean we won't, but think of it. You hear 35 and 40,000 people and we've lost nobody and you wonder the press is in hysteria mode. CNN fake news and the camera just went off, the camera. The camera just went off. Turn it back on. Hey, by the way, hold it. Look at this, and honestly, all events are like this. It's about us. It's all about us. I wish they'd take the camera, show the arena please. They never do. They never do. They never do it. They never show the arena. You can hear it because when you hear it, that's not 200 people. That's not a hundred people. That's thousands and thousands of people including people outside. You can hear it. They always show my face. See that face? They show my face. I want them to show the arena, not my face, right?  [...] While the extreme left has been wasting America's time with these vile hoaxes, we've been killing terrorists, creating jobs, raising wages, enacting fair trade deals, securing our border, and lifting up citizens of every race, religion, color, and creed. We added another 225,000 jobs last month alone. And that makes seven million jobs since our election, seven million. The [[unemployment]] rate in the great state of South Carolina. You ever hear of that place?

* Practically every one. Can you believe it? I'm sure your husbands are thrilled, right? They're thrilled. Where are you going tonight? I'm going to another Trump rally. Cool. Number 114. What do your husbands say about that? This group up here. She said, &quot;We don't care.&quot; Thank you. Thank you. Democrats will only say horrible things even though they know we're doing a great job. We're doing a great job with what we have to work with. It's incredible. The Democrats want us to fail so badly. Even if their actions, and you take a look, hurt the people of this country, they'll hurt the people themselves, their wealth, their everything. They're willing to hurt our country in order to say bad, even if they know it's not so. We made an unbelievable deal with [[Mexico]], with [[Canada]], with [[China]], with South Korea, with [[Japan]]. And if you put a microphone with these people back there like the Academy Awards used to be, not anymore. Best movie of the year. It's made in [[South Korea]]. What's that all about? I'm waiting to see the best movie of the year-

* And it's made... He said, &quot;It's garbage.&quot; Only in South Carolina can you say that. Only in South Carolina. You're going to get us in trouble. No, I'm just repeating what he said for the fake news. No, but seriously the Academy Awards has gone way, way down in ratings. Do you know why? Because they started attacking us and we don't believe in it anymore. That's why. No, but they had [[Parasite (2019 film)|the best movie of the year made in South Korea]]. They make enough stuff for us, right? And they're good. They're our friends. Take advantage of us, that's okay. Not so much anymore. We are really, you take a look, magnificently organized with the best professionals in the world. We're prepared for the absolute worst. You have to be prepared for the worst, but hopefully it will all amount to very little. That's why I tell you when we have the flu with 35,000 people and this one we have to take it very, very seriously. That's what we're doing. We are preparing for the worst.

* My administration has taken the most aggressive action in modern history to prevent the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|spread of this illness in the United States]]. We are ready. We are ready. Totally ready. On January 31st, I ordered the suspension of foreign nationals who have recently been in China from entering the United States. An action which the Democrats loudly criticized and protested and now everybody's complimenting me saying, &quot;Thank you very much. You were 100% correct.&quot; Could've been a whole different story. But I say, so let's get this right. A [[SARS-CoV-2|virus]] starts in China, bleeds its way into various countries all around the world, doesn't spread widely at all in the United States because of the early actions that myself and my administration took against a lot of other wishes, and the Democrats' single talking point, and you see it, is that it's Donald Trump's fault, right? It's Donald Trump's fault. No, just things that happened.

* But you know what this does show you? Things happen. Whoever thought of this two weeks ago? Who would've thought this could be going on four weeks ago? You wouldn't. But things happen in life and you have to be prepared and you have to be flexible and you have to be able to go out and get it. And my guys that we have the best professionals in the world, the best in the world and we are so ready. At the same time that I initiated the first federally mandated quarantine in over 50 years. We had a quarantine some people. They weren't happy, they weren't happy about it. I want to tell you there are a lot of people that not so happy, but after two weeks they got happy. You know who got happy? The people around them got happy. That's who got happy.
**Note: [[Luciana Borio]], former director of Medical and Biodefense Preparedness Policy at the {{w|National Security Council}}, said at a symposium at {{w|Emory University}} in [[Atlanta]] in 2018, marking the 100th anniversary of [[1918 flu pandemic]]: &quot;[[Disease X|The threat]] of {{w|pandemic flu}} is the number one health security concern, are we ready to respond? I fear the answer is no.&quot; As quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2020/03/contrary-to-trumps-claim-a-pandemic-was-widely-expected-at-some-point/ Contrary to Trump's Claim, A Pandemic Was Widely Expected at Some Point]'' (March 20, 2020) by Rem Rieder, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''.

* I also created a [[White House Coronavirus Task Force|White House virus task force]]. It's a big thing, a virus task force. I requested 2.5 billion dollars to ensure we have the resources we need. The Democrats said, &quot;That's terrible. He's doing the wrong thing. He needs eight and a half billion, not two and a half.&quot; I've never had that before. I ask for two and a half, they want to give me eight and a half, so I said, &quot;I'll take it.&quot; Does that make me a bad... I'll take it. I'll take it. I never had that before. I never had it. We want two and a half million. That's plenty. We demand you take eight and a half. He doesn't know what he's doing. We want eight and a half. These people are crazy. We must understand that border security is also health security. And you've all seen the wall has gone up like magic. It's gone up like magic. You think that was an easy one? That was not an easy one. It's going up great and we're up now 132 miles and this is the exact wall that border security, water, everything.

* So I don't know what the record attendance is in this arena, but I was told that we broke it by a lot. And you got the people outside. Are we allowed to tell them who we would like them to vote for? Because you're allowed to skip. All right, so wait a minute, let's do a poll. We do this for the fake news back there. Ready? Who would be the best candidate for us? Not for them. We're ready. Ready? So let's go through them just quickly. We won't include Steyer because he's a loser. He's out, okay? We won't include him. Who would be the best? This is a real poll. This isn't one of those fake polls taken by ... In all fairness, I love you, [[Fox News|Fox]], taken by Fox, the worst pollster. This guy ... this pollster hates Trump's guts. I was losing the last election by a fortune. They said, &quot;He did great with women.&quot; Everything was wrong. And they never replaced this guy. But watch this. You ready?

* We had a great event yesterday, an event that was so beautiful, young African American leaders. One of the things I asked them, and I’ve been thinking about this for a long time… And great people, great people. Some of them are here tonight. Do you like the name African American or Black? And they said, “Black!” all at the same time. No, true. I tell you. Because you say, “[[African American]] or Black?” And they said almost immediately, “Black.” But we had an incredible group of people and what happened is {{w|NBC}}… It was such a love fest. It was so incredible. It went on for 45 minutes. It was a love fest. It was incredible. NBC turned down… There they are right there. They turned down… {{w|Comcast}}, which owns NBC… Actually NBC, I think, we call it [[w:List of nicknames used by Donald Trump#Organizations|MSDNC]], right? MSDNC. But NBC I think is worse than CNN. I actually do. And Comcast, a company that spends millions and millions of dollars on their image… I’ll do everything possible to destroy their image because they are terrible. They are terrible. They’re a terrible group of people. And they paid me a fortune for years for [[w:The Apprentice (American TV series)|the Apprentice]]. They paid me a fortune. And when I left the show, it was doing great. When I left the show, 14 seasons, think of that, they got a [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|big movie star]]. I won’t tell you his name. Nobody would know. Actually nobody will know his name because he was on for such a short period of time. But the show went down the tubes very quickly after they had Trump. But the country in five years from now, of course you want to upset them, five years or nine years or 13 years. Or 18 years! 10 more years. Nah. Oh, they go crazy when you say it. When you say to them five more years, so it’s five, but you then say maybe nine, maybe 13, maybe 17, maybe 21, or not, maybe 21. Let’s do this. Let’s term limit ourselves at 25 years. No more than 25 years. No more. Okay. They’ll pass something in the Senate. Tim, pass it in the Senate with Lindsey, a 25 year term limit please.

====March 2020====
* Well, I think the 3.4% is really a false number. Now, and this is just my hunch, and — but based on a lot of conversations with a lot of people that do this. Because a lot people will have this and it's very mild. They'll get better very rapidly. They don't even see a doctor. They don't even call a doctor. You never hear about those people. So you can't put them down in the category of the overall population in terms of this [[Coronavirus|corona flu and/or virus]]. So you just can't do that. So, if, you know, we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work. Some of them go to work, but they get better.
** ''Hannity'', Fox News, {{#formatdate:2020-03-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-05 |author=Inae Oh |title=Trump Unleashes More Coronavirus Misinformation on National Television |periodical=Mother Jones |url=https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/03/donald-trump-coronavirus-sean-hannity/}}

* But as of right now and yesterday, anybody that needs a test — That's the important thing. And [[COVID-19 testing|the tests]] are all perfect. Like, the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.
** Comparing coronavirus tests to his Ukraine phone call that led to his impeachment
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=Trump Says Coronavirus Testing Is as ‘Perfect’ as His Ukraine Call|author=Chas Danner|periodical=New York|url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/03/trump-coronavirus-testing-as-perfect-as-ukraine-call.html}}

* They would like to have the people come off. I'd rather have the people stay, but I'd go with them. I told them to make the final decision. I would rather — because I like the numbers being where they are. I don't need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn't our fault.
** regarding Grand Princess cruise ship with 21 diagnosed cases of coronavirus
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=Trump Says ‘People Have to Remain Calm’ Amid Coronavirus Outbreak|author=Peter Baker|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/06/us/politics/trump-coronavirus-cdc.html}}

* You know, my uncle was a great person. He was at MIT. He taught at MIT for, I think, like a record number of years. He was a great super genius. Dr. John Trump. I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Every one of these doctors said, &quot;How do you know so much about this?&quot; Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for President.
** during tour of Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, {{#formatdate:2020-03-06}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-06|title=‘Maybe I have a natural ability’: Trump plays medical expert on coronavirus by second-guessing the professionals|author=David Nakamura|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/maybe-i-have-a-natural-ability-trump-plays-medical-expert-on-coronavirus-by-second-guessing-the-professionals/2020/03/06/3ee0574c-5ffb-11ea-9055-5fa12981bbbf_story.html}}

* I've been briefed on every contingency you can possibly imagine. Many contingencies. A lot of—a lot of positive. Different numbers. All different numbers. Very large numbers. And some small numbers too, by the way.
** Regarding coronavirus. Posed question: &quot;Mr. President, have you been briefed that up to 100 million Americans would ultimately be exposed to the virus?&quot;
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-republican-senators-2/ Briefing at the White House] ({{#formatdate:2020-03-10}})

* No, '''I don't take responsibility at all''', because we were given a set of circumstances and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time.
** Asked if he took responsibility for the lag in coronavirus testing
** White House press conference, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title='I don't take responsibility at all': Trump pushes back on complaints about coronavirus testing |author=Zachary Halaschak |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/i-dont-take-responsibility-at-all-trump-pushes-back-on-complaints-about-coronavirus-testing}}

* They're trying to scare everybody, from meetings, cancel the meetings, close the schools—you know, destroy the country. And that's okay, as long as we can win the [[2020 United States presidential election|election]].
** Fundraiser, Mar-a-Lago, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-15 |title=Trump says media 'scare' coverage of coronavirus response OK 'as long as we can win the election': Report |author=Daniel Chaitin |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/trump-says-media-scare-coverage-of-coronavirus-response-okay-as-long-as-we-can-win-the-election-report}}

* It's a very contagious virus. It's incredible. But it's something we have tremendous control of. I think very important the young people, people of good health and groups of people just are not strongly affected.
** In a White House briefing, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-15 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims US has 'tremendous control' of the coronavirus |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/03/15/politics/fact-check-trump-control-coronavirus/index.html}}

* Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment—try getting it yourselves. We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.
** Call with governors, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump tells governors to seek out respirators and other vital equipment on their own. |author=''The New York Times'' staff |periodical=The New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/16/world/coronavirus-news.html}}

* We have an invisible enemy. We have a problem a month ago nobody ever thought about. [...] This is a bad one, this is a very bad one. This is bad in the sense that it's so contagious. It's just so contagious. Sort of record-setting type contagion.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-17 |title=The Last Great Pandemic |author=Jarrett Stepman |periodical=The Daily Signal |url=https://www.dailysignal.com/2020/03/17/the-last-great-pandemic/}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Very simple question; does the buck stop with you? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your response to this crisis?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' I'd rate it a 10. I think we've done a great job. And it started with the fact that we kept a very highly infected country, despite all of the—even the professionals saying no, it's too early to do that, we were very, very early with respect to China. And we would have a whole different situation in this country if we didn't do that. I would rate it a very, very—I would rate ourselves and—and the professionals—I think the professionals have done a fantastic job.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump: I'd Rate My Response To Coronavirus a 10 |author=Ian Schwartz |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/03/16/trump_id_rate_my_response_to_coronavirus_a_10.html}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you, Mr. President?  Does the buck stop with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' Yeah, normally. But I think when you hear the—you know, this has never been done before in this country.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-16}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-16 |title=Trump says buck 'normally' stops with him — but not for coronavirus |author=Oliver Willis |periodical=American Independent |url=https://americanindependent.com/donald-trump-coronavirus-response-buck-stops-here-white-house-covid-19/}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Peter Alexander:'' How are non-symptomatic professional athletes getting tests while others are waiting in line and can't get them?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' No, I wouldn’t say so, but '''perhaps that’s been the story of life'''. That does happen on occasion and I’ve noticed where some people have been tested fairly quickly.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-18}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-18 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says it may be 'the story of life' that well-connected get testing first |author=Janelle Griffith |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/coronavirus-nyc-mayor-slams-nets-over-testing-trump-weighs-n1162971}}

* &lt;p&gt;''Peter Alexander:'' What do you say to Americans who are scared though? I guess, nearly 200 dead, 14,000 who are sick, millions, as you witnessed, who are scared right now? What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now who are scared?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Donald Trump:'' I say that you're a terrible reporter, that's what I say. I think that's a very nasty question.&lt;/p&gt;
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-20}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-20 |title=Trump launches into tirade against media, insults NBC reporter at coronavirus briefing |author=Adam Edelman |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-rips-reporter-who-asked-him-calm-scared-americans-terrible-n1165031}}

* We're [[w:Trump administration communication during the COVID-19 pandemic#Lifting restrictions|opening up]] this incredible country. Because we have to do that. I'd love to have it open by Easter. I would love to have it opened by Easter. It's such an important day for other reasons, but I will make it an important day for this, too. I would love to have the country opened up and just rarin' to go by [[Easter]].
** Fox News town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}

* Look, Easter's a very special day for me. And I see it's sort of in that timeline that I'm thinking about. And I say, &quot;Wouldn't it be great to have all of the churches full?&quot; – you know the churches aren't allowed, essentially, to have much of a congregation there. And most of 'em, I watched on Sunday, online. And it was terrific, by the way, but online is never going to be like being there. So I think Easter Sunday, and you'll have packed churches all over our country. I think it would be a beautiful time. And it's just about the timeline that I think is right.
** Fox News interview, {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says Easter with ‘packed churches’ would be ‘beautiful time’ to reopen US |author=John T Bennett |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-coronavirus-news-reopen-us-borders-easter-holiday-a9423041.html}}

* I have a feeling that a lot of the numbers that are being said in some areas are just bigger than they’re going to be, I don't believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators. You go into major hospitals sometimes, and they’ll have two ventilators. And now all of a sudden they’re saying, 'Can we order 30,000 ventilators?'
** Speaking with [[Sean Hannity]] on [[Fox News]] on 26 March 2020. As quoted in ''[https://www.politico.com/news/2020/03/26/trump-ventilators-coronavirus-151311 Trump: I don't believe you really need that many ventilators]'', 27 March 2020, ''{{w|Politico}}''.

* Don't be a cutie pie, okay?
** Trump responding to the question “But everybody who needs one will be able to get a ventilator?” from reporter Jonathan Karl.  As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump to reporter pressing him about ventilators: 'Don't be a cutie pie' |author=Tal Axelrod |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/489958-trump-to-reporter-pressing-him-about-ventilators-dont-be-a-cutie-pie}}

* ...young people are really, this is an incredible phenomenon, but they are attacked, successfully attacked to a much lesser extent by [[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|this pandemic]], by this disease. This whatever they want to call it. '''You call it a germ, you can call it a flu, you can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I'm not sure anybody even knows what it is''', but the children do very well.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-03-27}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump on Coronavirus: &quot;I'm Not Sure Anybody Even Knows What It Is&quot;; &quot;You Can Call It A Germ, You Can Call It A Flu&quot; |author=Ian Schwartz |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/03/27/trump_on_coronavirus_im_not_sure_anybody_even_knows_what_it_is_you_can_call_it_a_germ_you_can_call_it_a_flu.html}}

* Just finished a very good conversation with [[Xi Jinping|President Xi]] of China. Discussed in great detail the CoronaVirus that is ravaging large parts of our Planet. China has been through much &amp; has developed a strong understanding of the Virus. We are working closely together. Much respect!
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-27 |title=Trump claims Asian Americans are angry at 'what China has done' to U.S. |author=Kimmy Yam |periodical=Yahoo News / NBC News |url=https://news.yahoo.com/trump-claims-asian-americans-angry-190959445.html}}

* Nobody could have imagined a thing like this — a tragedy like this would have happened: the invisible enemy.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* The [[Federal government of the United States|federal government]] has done something that nobody has done anything like this other than perhaps wartime. And that’s what we’re in: We’re in a war.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* My administration has done a job on really working across government and with the private sector, and it’s been incredible.  It’s a beautiful thing to watch, I have to say.  Unfortunately, the end result of the group we’re fighting — which are hundreds of billions and trillions of germs, or whatever you want to call them — they are bad news. This virus is bad news and it moves quickly, and it spreads as easily as anything anyone has ever seen.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-supply-chain-distributors-covid-19/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Supply Chain Distributors on COVID-19]'' (March 29, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.

* I just want to reiterate, because a lot of people have been asking, well, what would have happened if we did nothing? Did nothing, we just rode it out, and I’ve been asking that question to Tony and Deborah, and they’ve been talking to me about it for a long time, other people have been asking that question, and I think we got our most accurate study today, or certainly most comprehensive. Think of the number, potentially, 2.2 million people if we did nothing. If we didn’t do the distancing, if we didn’t do all of the things that we’re doing. When you hear those numbers, you start to realize that, with the kind of work we went through last week, with the $2.2 trillion, it no longer sounds like a lot, right? You’re talking about, when I heard the number today, first time I’ve heard that number, because I’ve been asking the same question that some people have been asking, I felt even better about what we did last week with the $2.2 trillion, because you’re talking about a potential of up to 2.2 million, and some people said it could even be higher than that. So you’re talking about 2.2 million deaths. 2.2 million people from this. If we can hold that down as we’re saying, to 100,000, it’s a horrible number. Maybe even less, but to 100,000, so we have between 100 and 200,000, we altogether have done a very good job. 2.2, up to 2.2 million deaths and maybe even beyond that? I’m feeling very good about what we did last week.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, March 29, 2020, [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-march-29-trump-extends-task-force-guidelines-to-april-30 transcript online] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''

* I know South Korea better than anybody, it's a very tight — do you know how many people are in Seoul? Do you know how big the city of Seoul is? 38 million people. That's bigger than anything we have.
** Trump talking about Seoul, which is a city with 10 million people according to the city government's English language website. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-30 |title=Trump tried to flex by asking a reporter about the population of Seoul. Then he got it wrong by 28 million. |author=Jake Lahut |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-trump-got-the-population-of-seoul-wrong-by-millions-2020-3?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

====April 2020====
* It's called &quot;[[social media]].&quot; It's social media. It gets out. I have, you know, hundreds of millions of people. Number one on [[Facebook]].  Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I mean, I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. I thought that was very nice for whatever it means. No, it represents something. And when I can explain to people: Just don't do it. You know, it's going to be bad if you do it. It's going to be really bad. And they don't need to do it. They have enough problems. [[Iran]] has enough problems without doing that. But we’ve been pulling back very substantially over the last year, in [[Iraq]]. And so, you know, that's the way it is.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-01}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-01 |title=Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing |author=James S. Brady |periodical=White House |url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-16/}}.
** Note: At April 1, [https://web.archive.org/web/20200401020635if_/https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/ Trump's official page], with 26.8 million likes and 28.5 million followers, was not among the [[w:List of most-followed Facebook pages|most-followed Facebook pages]]. At January 6, speaking on [[Rush Limbaugh]]'s radio show Trump stated that [[Mark Zuckerberg]] told him that he was &quot;number one on Facebook&quot;, claim that was not refuted by Facebook as reported in ''[https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/trump-mark-zuckerberg-facebook_n_5e12e125e4b0843d3615393f Trump Claims Mark Zuckerberg Told Him He's 'Number One On Facebook']'' (January 8, 2020) by Josephine Harvey, ''{{w|HuffPost Australia}}''

* We’re working to ensure that the supplies are delivered where and when they’re needed, and in some cases, we’re telling governors we can’t go there because we don’t think you need it and we think someplace else needs it. And pretty much, so far, we’ve been right about that. And we’ll continue to do it. As it really gets — this will be probably the toughest week between this week and next week. And there’ll be a lot of death, unfortunately, but a lot less death than if this wasn’t done. But there will be death.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-19/ Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing]'' (April 4, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''

* So we’ve done 1,670,000 tests. Think of that 1,670,000 tests. And we have a great system. Now we’re working with the states in almost all instances, but we have a great system. And the other thing that we bought a tremendous amount of is the [[Hydroxychloroquine|hydroxy chloroquine]]. Hydroxy chloroquine, which I think is, you know, it’s a great [[malaria]] drug. It’s worked unbelievably. It’s a powerful drug on malaria and [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|there are signs]] that it works on this, some very strong signs and in the meantime it’s been around a long time. It also works very powerfully on lupus, so there are some very strong powerful signs and we’ll have to see because again, it’s tested.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* Now this is a new thing that just happened to as the invisible enemy we call it. And if you can, if you have a no signs of heart problems, the {{w|azithromycin}}, which will kill certain things that you don’t want living within your body. It’s a powerful drug. If you don’t have a problem, a heart problem, we would say, let your doctor think about it, but as a combination, I think they’re going to be, I think there’s two things that should be looked at very strongly. Now, we have purchased and we have stockpiled 29 million pills of the hydroxy chloroquine, 29 million. A lot of drug stores have them by prescription and also, and they’re not expensive. Also, we’re sending them to various labs. Our military, we’re sending them to the hospitals, we’re sending them all over. I just think it’s something, you know the expression, I’ve used it for certain reasons.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* What do you have to lose? What do you have to lose? And a lot of people are saying that when … and are taking it, if you’re a doctor, a nurse, a first responder, a medical person going into hospitals, they say taking it before the fact is good, but what do you have to lose? They say, take it, I’m not looking at it one way or the other, but we want to get out of this. If it does work, it would be a shame if we didn’t do it early. But we have some very good signs. So that’s hydroxy chloroquine and as azithromycin, and again, you have to go through your medical people get the approval. But I’ve seen things that I sort of like, so what do I know? I’m not a doctor, I’m not a doctor, but I have common sense.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* The [[w:Food and Drug Administration|FDA]] feels good about it. They’ve, as you know, they’ve approved it. They gave it a rapid approved approval. And the reason because it’s been out there for a long time and they know the side effects and they also know the potential. So based on that, we have sent it throughout the country. We have it stockpiled about 29 million doses, 29 million doses. We have a lot of it. We hope it works. Driven by the goal of the brightest minds in science. We have the brightest minds in science, but we were driven by the goal of getting rid of this plague, getting rid of this scourge, getting rid of this virus. These brilliant minds are working on the most effective antiviral therapies and vaccines. We are working very, very hard. I have met many of the doctors that are doing it. These are doctors that are working so hard on vanquishing the virus.
** Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, April 5. [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.
** Note: Hydroxychloroquine use is not approved by the FDA [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|for COVID-19]] as of 7 April 2020.

* I want them to try it. It may work, and it may not work. But if it doesn’t work, it’s nothing lost by doing it. Nothing. Because we know long-term what I want. I want to save lives, and I don’t want it to be in a lab for the next year-and-a-half as people are dying all over the place. In [[w:2020 coronavirus pandemic in France|France]], they had a very good test. They’re continuing. But we don’t have time to go and say, gee, let’s take a couple of years and test it out, and let’s go and test with the test tubes and the laboratories. We don’t have time. I’d love to do that, but we have people dying today. As we speak, there are people dying. If it works, that’d be great. If it doesn’t work, we know for many years malaria, it’s incredible what it’s done for malaria. It’s incredible what it’s done for lupus, but it doesn’t kill people.
** On using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19). Coronavirus Task Force Briefing (April 5, 2020). [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''.

* '''Speaker to [[Anthony Fauci]]''': And would you also weigh in on this issue of hydroxychloroquine? What do you think about this and what is the medical evidence?
:'''Donald Trump''': You know how many times he’s answered that question?
:'''Speaker''': I’d love to hear from the doctor.
:'''Donald Trump''': Maybe 15. 15 times. You don’t have to ask the question.
:'''Speaker''': He’s your medical expert, correct?
:'''Donald Trump''': He answered that question 15 times.
:* On using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19). Coronavirus Task Force Briefing (April 5, 2020). [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-task-force-briefing-transcript-april-5 Transcript] at ''[[w:Rev (company)|Rev]]''

* She created over 15 million jobs.
** Donald Trump talking about his daughter Ivanka Trump in a call with business leaders.  No explanation or supporting evidence was provided.  {{citation |date=2020-04-07 |title=Trump claims that his daughter created 10 percent of all the jobs in the United States |author=Ian Millhiser |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/4/8/21212802/trump-ivanka-10-percent-jobs-walmart-15-million}}

* This is a very brilliant enemy. You know, it's a brilliant enemy. They develop drugs like the antibiotics, you see it. Antibiotics used to solve every problem. Now one of the biggest problems the world has is the germ has gotten so brilliant, that the antibiotic can't keep up with it. And they're constantly trying to come up with a new— People go to a hospital and they catch– They go for a heart operation, that's no problem, but they end up dying from, from... problems. You know the problems I'm talking about.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-10 |title=Watch: Trump Appears To Believe That Coronavirus Is A Bacteria, Not A Virus |author=Jake Thomas |periodical=The Intellectualist |url=https://mavenroundtable.io/theintellectualist/news/watch-trump-appears-to-believe-that-coronavirus-is-a-bacteria-not-a-virus-qNAKtyts0UCLxCPxQv0EQg}}
* When someone is president of the United States the authority is total.
** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-13}}, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-13 |title=CNN reporter flat-out contradicts Trump to his face when he claims king-like authority |author=Cody Fenwick |periodical=RawStory |url=https://www.rawstory.com/2020/04/cnn-reporter-flat-out-contradicts-trump-to-his-face-when-he-claims-king-like-authority/}}

* The delays the [[WHO]] experienced in declaring a [[w:Public health emergency|public health emergency]] cost valuable time tremendous amounts of time; more time was lost in the delay it took to get a team of international experts and to examine the outbreak which we wanted to do which they should have done. The inability of the WHO to obtain virus samples to this date has deprived the scientific community of essential data. New data that emerges across the world on a daily basis points to the unreliability of the initial reports and the world received all sorts of false information about transmission and mortality. The silence of the WHO on the disappearance of scientific researchers and doctors and new restrictions on the sharing of research into the origins of COVID-19 in the country of origin is deeply concerning especially when we put up by far the largest amount of money, not even close. Had the WHO done its job to get medical experts into China to objectively assess the situation on the ground and to call out China's lack of transparency, the outbreak could have been contained as a source with very little death, very little death, and certainly very little death by comparison. This would have saved thousands of lives and avoided worldwide economic damage. Instead the WHO willingly took China's assurances to face value, and they took it just at face value and defended the actions of the Chinese government, even praising China for its so-called transparency. I don't think so. The WHO pushed China's misinformation about the virus, saying it was not communicable, and there was no need for travel bans. They told us when we put on our travel ban a very strong travel ban, there was no need to do it. Don't do it; they actually fought us. The WHO's reliance on China's disclosures likely caused a 20-fold increase in cases worldwide, and it may be much more than that.
** White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 14, 2020), [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/04/14/trump_halts_who_funding_full_accountability_for_pushing_chinas_misinformation_about_coronavirus.html transcript online] at ''{{w|RealClearPolitics}}''

* Look, I could tell you about — and I’m not going to do it, because I didn’t want to bring it up — but I could tell you about events that took place.  And I said things like, “You’ll never do that again” or “You’ll never do this again” or — I don’t even want to mention the events.  I don’t want to mention what you’re supposed to be doing because — and you know one of them was so horrible.  I said, “A certain industry will be out of business — never happen again.”  Two weeks later, it was like nothing ever happened.  Hopefully, we get rid of this.  We have tremendous talent up here and all over, including governors, including local governments, state governments. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-april-17-2020/ Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing | April 17, 2020]

* That’s why your ratings are so bad because you’re pathetic. Go ahead. Let’s go. Your ratings are terrible. You got to get back to real news. Go ahead.
** Trump interrupting a reporter who started a question with &quot;The first of the month is next week ... &quot;   White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 19, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-press-conference-transcript-april-19 Donald Trump Coronavirus Press Conference Transcript April 19]

* I think I read yesterday a report that we’ve done more than everybody — every other country — combined, &lt;BR&gt;
* We’ve tested more than every other country in the world even put together.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-21 |title=Trump just said the US has done more coronavirus testing than the rest of the world. Not even close. |author=Aaron Rupar |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/4/21/21230400/trump-coronavirus-briefing-testing-other-countries-combined}}
** Note: At that time, the US had done just above 4 million tests, while worldwide more than 20 million tests had been done.  

*And then I see '''the disinfectant''' where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute.&lt;br&gt;And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning?&lt;br&gt;Because, you see, it gets on the lungs, and it does a tremendous number on the lungs.&lt;br&gt;So it'd be interesting to check that.&lt;br&gt;So that you're going to have to use medical doctors, but it sounds — it sounds interesting to me.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-23 |title='It's irresponsible and it's dangerous': Experts rip Trump's idea of injecting disinfectant to treat COVID-19 |author=Jan C. Timm |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2020-election/it-s-irresponsible-it-s-dangerous-experts-rip-trump-s-n1191246}}
** Note: Trump's Food and Drug Administration specifically warned against drinking the chemicals in disinfectants, noting that consumption of such products &quot;can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and symptoms of severe dehydration.&quot;
***despite this, Biden in July 2020 misquoted Trump as advocating drinking bleach

* So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light and I think you said that hasn't been checked but you’re going to test it. And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.
** Trump, suggesting a way to cure COVID-19, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-23 |title='Jaw-Dropping’: Trump Slammed for Touting Dangerous New Virus Treatments After Favored Drug Is Discredited |author=Hunter Woodall |periodical=Daily Beast |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-slammed-for-touting-sunlight-uv-light-bleach-as-possible-covid-19-treatments-during-briefing}}

* And we’re — really, I’m very happy the governors have been — the governors, really, have been doing a really good job working with us, and it’s — it’s, really, pretty impressive to see.  I’ve spoken to numerous leaders of countries over the last 48 hours, and they are saying we’re leading the way.  We’re really leading the way in so many different ways.
** White House coronavirus task force briefing (April 23, 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-coronavirus-press-conference-transcript-april-23 Donald Trump Coronavirus Press Conference Transcript April 23]

* I work from early in the morning until late at night, haven’t left the White House in many months (except to launch Hospital Ship Comfort) in order to take care of Trade Deals, Military Rebuilding etc., and then I read a phony story in the failing @nytimes about my work schedule and eating habits, written by a third rate reporter who knows nothing about me. I will often be in the Oval Office late into the night &amp; read &amp; see that I am angrily eating a hamberger &amp; Diet Coke in my bedroom. People with me are always stunned. Anything to demean!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title='Hambergers' and 'Noble prizes': Trump attacks press in furious Twitter rant riddled with spelling errors |author=Alex Woodward |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-latest-coronavirus-hamburger-nobel-prize-russia-a9485006.html}}

* When will all of the 'reporters' who have received Noble Prizes for their work on Russia, Russia, Russia, only to have been proven totally wrong (and, in fact, it was the other side who committed the crimes) be turning back their cherished 'Nobles' so that they can be given to the REAL REPORTERS &amp; JOURNALISTS who got it right.
** Tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title=Trump calls for journalists who covered the Russia investigation to return their 'Noble Prizes' in Twitter rant before deleting it |author=James Pasley |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-deletes-tweet-calling-for-journalists-to-return-noble-prizes-2020-4?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* What is the purpose of having White House News Conferences when the Lamestream Media asks nothing but hostile questions, &amp; then refuses to report the truth or facts accurately. They get record ratings, &amp; the American people get nothing but Fake News. Not worth the time &amp; effort!
** Tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-26 |title=Trump says briefings 'not worth the effort' amid fallout from disinfectant comments |author=Lauren Aratani |periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/apr/25/donald-trump-stays-away-from-briefings-amid-fallout-from-disinfectant-comments}}

* I can't imagine why.
** Trump was answering a question from a journalist about rise in misuse of disinfectants the last few days, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-27 |title=Trump Says He Takes No Responsibility For People Ingesting Disinfectant |author=Lydia O'Connor |periodical=Huffpost |url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-no-responsibility-disinfectant-use_n_5ea75b7dc5b6a30004e6e509}}

* The only reason the U.S. has reported one million cases of CoronaVirus is that our Testing is sooo much better than any other country in the World. 
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-04-29 |title=Trump still seems to not understand how bad the coronavirus crisis is |author=Stephen Collinson |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/04/29/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-politics-pence/index.html}}

* '''Donald Trump:''' And you have to understand: When we took over, the cupboards were bare. And the thing that — frankly, it’s not as tough as the ventilator situation. We’re the king of ventilators. But what we have done is — on testing, we’re doing numbers the likes of which nobody has ever seen before. And I told you, the President of South Korea, [[Moon Jae-in|President Moon]], called me to congratulate me on testing. And we did more tests than any other country anywhere in the world. And I think they told me yesterday a number — if you add up the rest of the world, we’ve done more testing. And it’s a higher quality test. So I think we’ve done a — I think the whole team, federal government — we built hospitals for you and others.
: '''{{w|Phil Murphy}}:''' You bet.
: '''Donald Trump:''' We built medical centers. And I’m talking about thousands and thousands of beds. Many, many medical centers. We had — as you know, we had the governor of Florida and the governor of Louisiana over the last two days. They could not have been — and one was a Democrat, and this gentleman happens to be a proud Democrat. They could not have been more supportive of the effort of the federal government. And I’ll tell you, Jim —
: '''{{w|James Acosta}}:''' But aren’t you seeing massive lines for food?
: '''Donald Trump:''' Let me just tell you, we have — we started off with empty cupboards. The last administration left us nothing. We started off with bad, broken tests and obsolete tests. What we’ve come up with, between the {{w|Abbott Laboratories}}, where you have the five-minute test. Did they test you today?
: '''Phil Murphy:''' They did test me.
: '''Donald Trump:''' Good. Now I feel better. (Laughter.)
: '''Phil Murphy:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m negative.
: '''Donald Trump:''' You did the five-minute — the Abbott test.
: '''Phil Murphy:''' I did the quick turnaround.
: '''Donald Trump:''' It’s so great.
: '''Phil Murphy:''' I feel like a new man.
: '''Donald Trump:'''  That’s a brand — you know what? That’s a brand-new test. That didn’t exist eight weeks ago, and now it’s like the rage. Everybody wants that test. No, I think we’ve done — I think we’ve done a really great job.
:* About [[Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic|the lack]] of tests for the novel coronavirus, ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-meeting-governor-murphy-new-jersey/ Remarks by President Trump in a Meeting with Governor Murphy of New Jersey]'' (April 30, 2020), ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''. Quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-blame-obama-covid-tests/ Did Trump Blame Obama for ‘Bad’ COVID-19 Tests?]'' by Bethania Palma, 1 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''
:* Note: No previous administration could have prepared a test for a disease which had yet to emerge. COVID-19 emerged during [[Trump's presidency]], the test was designed in 2020 by the [[Centers for Disease Control]] under the Trump administration. See {{w|Misinformation related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Presidential}}

* These are very good people, but they are angry. 
** Trump described armed demonstrators who stormed the state Capitol in Michigan, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-01 |title=Trump urges Michigan governor to give in to ‘very good people’ who stormed statehouse with guns |author=Travis Gettys |periodical=Rawstory |url=https://www.rawstory.com/2020/05/trump-urges-michigan-governor-to-give-in-to-very-good-people-who-stormed-statehouse-with-guns/}}

====May 2020====
*I have not touched my face in a week.
**[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-face-touching-video-proof_n_5e601ac1c5b6985ec91abce1 ]
* I can't tell you that. I'm not allowed to tell you that.
** Trump was answering what his basis was for claiming that the coronavirus emerged from a virology lab in the Wuhan city of China, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-01 |title='It Came Out Of China, Could Have Been Stopped': Prez Donald Trump On Coronavirus |author=PTI |periodical=Outlook |url=https://www.outlookindia.com/website/story/world-news-it-came-out-of-china-could-have-been-stopped-prez-donald-trump-on-coronavirus/351848}}

* We will be AIDS-free within 8 years. We started, 10 years. Should've started in the previous administration. They did nothing. It started at my administration.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-03 |title=Fact check: Trump peppers Fox News town hall with false claims on coronavirus and other topics |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/03/politics/fact-check-fox-news-townhall-trump-may-3/index.html}}

* With all of that unity we have, in one sense, we have great unity, in another sense, I think they're going to come along, I mean, you know, I certainly hope so, but the main thing I have to do is bring our country back, and I want to get it back to where it was or maybe beyond where it was, you know, we have tremendous stimulus, all the money we've been talking about so far tonight.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-04 |title=The 45 most shocking lines from Donald Trump's Lincoln Memorial Fox town hall |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/04/politics/donald-trump-fox-lincoln-memorial/index.html}}

* So in [[California]], the Democrats, who fought like crazy to get all mail in only ballots, and succeeded, have just opened a voting booth in the most Democrat area in the State. They are trying to steal another election. It’s all rigged out there. These votes must not count. SCAM!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-09 |title=In Deranged Tweets Trump Says that All California Votes ‘Must Not Count’ |author=Mark NC |periodical=News Corpse |url=https://www.newscorpse.com/ncWP/?p=45212}}

* We are getting great marks for the handling of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|CoronaVirus pandemic]], especially the very early BAN of people from China, the infectious source, entering the USA. Compare that to the Obama/Sleepy [[Joe Biden|Joe]] disaster known as H1N1 Swine Flu. Poor marks, bad polls - didn’t have a clue!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-05-10 |title=Trump claims he is ‘getting great marks’ for coronavirus response as US death toll nears 80,000
|author=Richard Hall |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-coronavirus-us-response-barack-obama-joe-biden-a9507346.html}}

* If people want to get tested, they get tested.
** Quoted in  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims, again, that anybody who wants a test can get one |author=By Daniel Dale, David Wright, Arman Azad, Holmes Lybrand | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/11/politics/trump-fact-check-may-11/index.html}}

* Coronavirus numbers are looking MUCH better, going down almost everywhere.
** Quoted in  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Trump points to 'the numbers,' which don't say what he thinks they say |author=Steve Benen |periodical=MSNBC | url=https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/trump-points-numbers-which-don-t-say-what-he-thinks-n1205336}}

* We have to close the country. And I said, say it again. They said, sir, you have to close the country. Nobody ever heard of a thing like this but they were right because if I didn't we would have lost two million, two and a half million, maybe more than that people.
** Quoted by  {{citation |date=2020-05-11 |title=Why Donald Trump's idea that he saved millions of lives is laughable |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/11/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-quarantine/index.html}}

* Asian Americans are VERY angry at what China has done to our Country, and the World. Chinese Americans are the most angry of all. I don’t blame them!
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-12 |title=Trump claims Asian Americans are angry at 'what China has done' to U.S. |author=Kimmy Yam |periodical=Yahoo News / NBC News |url=https://news.yahoo.com/trump-claims-asian-americans-angry-190959445.html}}

* To me it's not an acceptable answer, especially when it comes to schools
** Trump was commenting on a statement from infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, warning that getting businesses and schools back open too quickly would lead to unnecessary suffering and death, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-13 |title=Trump's rebuke of Fauci encapsulates rejection of science in virus fight |author=Stephen Collinson |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/14/politics/donald-trump-anthony-fauci-science-coronavirus/index.html}}

* If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-16 |title=Trump seems to think there’d be no coronavirus if there was no testing. It doesn’t work like that. |author=Aaron Rupar |periodical=VOX |url=https://www.vox.com/2020/5/15/21259888/trump-coronavirus-testing-very-few-cases}}

* A lot of doctors take it. I take it.
* I would have told you that three or four days ago, but we never had a chance, because you never asked me the question.
** Trump, about taking the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine to prevent Covid-19 disease, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-18 |title=FDA: This Drug Could Kill You. Trump: I’m Taking It! |author=Justin Paragona, Adam Rawnsley |periodical=The Daily Beast |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-reveals-hes-now-taking-unproven-anti-malarial-drug-fda-warned-against}}

* When we have a lot of cases, I don’t look at that as a bad thing — I look at that in a certain respect as being a good thing because it means our testing is much better. ... So I view it as a badge of honour, really,
** Trump talked about the 1.59 million confirmed cases of Covid-19, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-19 |title=Coronavirus: Trump says it’s ‘badge of honour’ for US to lead world in Covid-19 cases |author=Oliver O'Connell |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-coronavirus-cases-us-covid-death-toll-a9523166.html}}

* Breaking: [[Michigan]] sends absentee ballots to 7.7 million people ahead of Primaries and the General Election. This was done illegally and without authorization by [[Jocelyn Benson|a rogue Secretary of State]]. I will ask to hold up funding to Michigan if they want to go down this Voter Fraud path!
** As quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-20 |title=Trump’s False Tweet About Michigan Absentee Ballot Applications |author=D'Angelo Gore |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/05/trumps-false-tweet-about-michigan-absentee-ballot-applications/}}

* And, you know, when you say “per capita,” there’s many per capitas. It’s, like, per capita relative to what? But you can look at just about any category, and we’re really at the top, meaning positive on a per capita basis, too. They’ve done a great job.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-20 |title=Did Trump Say There Are ‘Many Per Capitas’ During a COVID-19 Discussion? |author=Kim LaCapria |periodical=TruthOrFiction.com |url=https://www.truthorfiction.com/did-president-trump-say-there-were-many-per-capitas-in-a-covid-19-discussion/}}

* I didn’t want to give the press the pleasure of seeing it.
** Trump commented on why he didn't wear a face mask as a protection against the coronavirus at a visit to a factory, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title=Trump Goes Without Mask For Public Tour of Michigan Factory, Says He ‘Didn’t Want to Give the Press the Pleasure’ of Seeing Him Wearing One |author=Madeleine Carlisle |periodical=Time |url=https://time.com/5840833/trump-michigan-ford-plant-tour-mask/}}

* Yeah. I tested positively toward negative, right? So, no, I tested perfectly this morning, meaning—meaning I tested negative... But that’s a way of saying it: positively toward the negative.
** On having had a coronavirus test, spoken to reporters on the White House lawn, 2020-05-21. {{citation |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-tested-very-positively/ |title=Did Trump Say He ‘Tested Very Positively’ for COVID-19, Meaning Negative? | publisher={{w|Snopes}} |date=May 22, 2020 |accessdate=May 22, 2020 |author=Bethania Palma}}

* I was honored five years ago, ‘man of the year’ in Michigan.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Trump’s Dubious Michigan ‘Man of the Year’ Boast |author=Robert Farley |periodical=FactCheck.org |url=https://www.factcheck.org/2019/08/trumps-dubious-michigan-man-of-the-year-boast/}}

* There is NO WAY (ZERO!) that Mail-In Ballots will be anything less than substantially fraudulent. Mail boxes will be robbed, ballots will be forged &amp; even illegally printed out &amp; fraudulently signed. The [[Gavin Newsom|Governor of California]] is sending Ballots to millions of people, anyone living in the state, no matter who they are or how they got there, will get one. That will be followed up with professionals telling all of these people, many of whom have never even thought of voting before, how, and for whom, to vote. This will be a Rigged Election. No way!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1265255835124539392 Twitter (26 May 2020)]

* Imagine if your local phone companies tried to edit or censor what you said. Social media companies have far more power.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-28 |title=Donald Trump just used a ridiculous comparison to justify his social media crackdown |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/28/politics/donald-trump-twitter-facebook-social-media-executive-order/index.html}}

====June 2020====
[[File:President Trump Visits St. John's Episcopal Church (49963649028).jpg|thumb|You have to dominate or you'll look like a bunch of jerks, you have to arrest and try people.]]
* You have to dominate or you'll look like a bunch of jerks, you have to arrest and try people.
* You don't have to be too careful.
** Trump ordering US governors on how to react against people protesting against police violence following the murder of George Floyd, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-01 |title=An agitated Trump encourages governors to use aggressive tactics on protesters |author=Kevin Liptak, Ryan Nobles, Sarah Westwood |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/01/politics/donald-trump-race-police/index.html}}

*[[Washington, D.C.]], was the safest place on earth last night!
**[https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/1267959729361485825 2 June 2020 tweet] quoted [https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2020-06-07/ap-fact-check-trump-exaggerations-on-blacks-economic-gains 8 June 2020] by [[US News]]

* It’s a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody. This is a great, great day in terms of quality.
** Trump claimed that the US economy was &quot;back on track&quot;, and connected this with George Floyd, who had been murdered by the police some days earlier, as quoted by by {{citation |date=2020-06-05 |title=Trump Criticised For Saying George Floyd Is Looking Down And Calling It ‘A Great Day’
 |author=Emma Rosemurgey |periodical=UNILAD |url=https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/trump-criticised-for-saying-george-floyd-is-looking-down-and-calling-it-a-great-day/}}

* Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur. 75 year old Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan police communications in order to black out the equipment. @OANN I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming scanner. Could be a set up?
** Trump repeated suggestions, without providing evidence, regarding the peaceful protester Martin Gugino who suffered brain damage after being handled brutally by the police.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-09 |title=Trump Accuses 75-Year-Old Knocked Down By Buffalo Police Of Faking Fall
|author=Cameron Frew |periodical=UNILAD |url=https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/trump-accuses-75-year-old-knocked-down-by-buffalo-police-of-faking-fall/}}

* I think I’ve done more for the black community than any other President and let’s take a pass on Abraham Lincoln because he did good but although it’s always questionable, you know in other words the end result.
**Trump discussing his leadership and relationship with the African-American community during the {{w|George Floyd protests}}, spoken on a Fox News interview, archived at &quot;[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/06/what-was-trump-trying-to-say-about-abraham-lincoln.html What Was Trump Trying to Say About Abraham Lincoln?]&quot; by Jeremy Stahl (June 12, 2020), published in ''{{w|Slate (magazine)|Slate}}''.

* He is a liar ... everybody in the White House hated [[John Bolton]].
** Trump described John Bolton, who was picked by Trump to be Security Adviser, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-15 |title=Trump brands John Bolton a ‘LIAR’ and says ‘everybody in the White House hated him’ after bombshell book extracts |author=Nicole Darrah |periodical=The Sun |url=https://www.the-sun.com/news/999925/trump-john-bolton-book-white-house-liar/}}

* These are the people – the best, the smartest, the most brilliant anywhere, and they’ve come up with the AIDS vaccine. They’ve come up with ... various things.
** Claimed about scientists, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-16 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump on an AIDS vaccine that doesn’t exist |author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen |periodical=News 12 |url=https://www.kxii.com/content/news/AP-FACT-CHECK-Trump-on-an-AIDS-vaccine-that-doesnt-exist-571309161.html/}}

*I did something good: I made [[Juneteenth]] very famous.&lt;br&gt;It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it.
**Wednesday 17 June 2020 interview in the Oval Office according to [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-talks-juneteenth-john-bolton-economy-in-wsj-interview-11592493771 19 June 2020 article] by [[Michael Bender]] of [[Wall Street Journal]], highlighted [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jun/20/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-crowd-empty-seats 21 June 2020] by [[Richard Wolffe]] of [[The Guardian]]

* I said, 'General, there's no way I can make it down that ramp without falling on my ass, general. I have no railing.'
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-20 |title=1,798 words that prove how obsessed Donald Trump is with the West Point ramp story
 |author=Chris Cillizza |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/22/politics/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-west-point-ramp/index.html |lang=en-US}}

* Your 401(k)s and money itself will be worthless.
** Claimed about what will happen if Joe Biden wins the next president election, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-20 |title=Lying again about the pandemic, Trump made 200 false claims from early June to early July |author=Daniel Dale, Tara Subramaniam
|periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/18/politics/fact-check-trump-june-july-2020/index.html |lang=en-US}}

*By the way, it’s a disease, without question [that] has more names than any disease in history. I can name “kung flu.” I can name 19 different versions of names. Many call it a virus, which it is. Many call it a flu. What difference? I think we have 19 or 20 different versions of the name.
** Discussing the [[COVID-19 pandemic]] at a {{w|Donald Trump's Tulsa rally|campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma on June 21}}, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-21 |title=This Is How Trump Plans to Beat Biden |author=Osita Nwanevu |periodical={{w|The New Republic}} |url=https://newrepublic.com/article/158245/trump-plans-beat-biden |lang=en-US}}

* RIGGED [[2020 United States presidential election|2020 ELECTION]]: MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS WILL BE PRINTED BY FOREIGN COUNTRIES, AND OTHERS. IT WILL BE THE SCANDAL OF OUR TIMES!
** Claim quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-22 |title=FACT CHECK: Trump Spreads Unfounded Claims About Voting By Mail |author=Miles Parks |periodical=NPR |url=https://apnews.com/1d1a98892bdc7e1df97807b3be48bb13 |lang=en-US}}

* Cases up only because of our big number testing. Mortality rate way down!!!
* It’s fading away, it’s going to fade away.
* We have got the greatest testing program anywhere in the world.
* We’ve done too good a job.
* You know testing is a double-edged sword. ... Here’s the bad part. When you test to that extent, you are going to find more people, find more cases. So I said to my people, ‘Slow the testing down please.’
** Claimed about the Covid-19 pandemic, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-23 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Sober science weighs in on Trump’s virus take
 |author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen |periodical=AP |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/06/22/881598655/fact-check-trump-spreads-unfounded-claims-about-voting-by-mail |lang=en-US}}
*I said to my people &lt;i&gt;slow the testing down please&lt;/i&gt;
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baHR5E952H8 referring to [[COVID-19 testing]] during a Jun 21, 2020 campaign ralley in [[w:Tulsa, Oklahoma]] ]

* Well, one of the things that will be really great, you know the word experience is still good. I always say talent is more important than experience. I’ve always said that. But the word experience is a very important word. It’s an — a very important meaning.  I never did this before. I never slept over in Washington. I was in Washington, I think, 17 times. All of a sudden, I’m president of the United States. You know the story. I’m riding down Pennsylvania Avenue with our First Lady and I say, ‘This is great. But I didn’t know very many people in Washington. It wasn’t my thing. I was from Manhattan, from New York. Now I know everybody, and I have great people in the administration.  You make some mistakes. Like, you know, an idiot like [[John R. Bolton|Bolton]]. All he wanted to do was drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to kill people.
** Trump was responding to the question &quot;What are your top priorities for a second term?&quot;, as quoted by {{citation |date=2019-07-17 |title=Trump Rambles Unintelligibly About Plan for Second Term  |author=Adam K Raymond |periodical= NY Mag|url=https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/06/trump-hannity-interview-full-of-unintelligible-rambling.html    }}

* Nobody briefed or told me, @VP Pence, or Chief of Staff [[Mark Meadows|@MarkMeadows]] about the so-called attacks on our troops in [[Afghanistan]] by Russians
** Trump commented on a news report saying that Russian spies are paying Taliban for killing US soldiers in Afghanistan, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-06-28 | title=Trump denies he was briefed on reported bounties on US troops |author=Kyle Balluck |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/504890-trump-denies-he-was-briefed-on-reported-bounties-on-us-troops |lang=en-US}}

* Can't you just shoot them? Just shoot them in the legs or something?
** Said in June 2020, about demonstrators in the streets around the White House following the murder of George Floyd, according to former Defense Secretary Mark Esper, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/mark-esper-book-trump-protesters-24e93272-2af5-423d-be3b-164daab7b43d.html &quot;Scoop: Esper says Trump wanted to shoot protesters&quot;], Axios, 2 May 2022

====July 2020====
* I think we’re gonna be very good with the coronavirus. I think that at some point that’s going to, sort of, just disappear—I hope.
** Spoken on a morning news talk show regarding the [[COVID-19]] pandemic; at the time, the United States had over 120,000 deaths from the virus and over 2.5{{nbsp}}million infections. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-01 |title=Trump again claims coronavirus is ‘going to just disappear’ as US sees record number of new cases |author=Richard Hall |periodical=The Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-coronavirus-cases-us-fox-news-interview-today-covid-a9596631.html}}

* Against every law of society and nature, our children are taught in school to hate their own country and to believe that the men and women who built it were not heroes but that were villains. The radical view of American history is a web of lies, all perspective is removed, every virtue is obscured, every motive is twisted, every fact is distorted, and every flaw is magnified until the history is purged and the record is disfigured beyond all recognition.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-03 |title=Biden tells teachers they have ‘the most important’ job on same day Trump says they teach children to ‘hate their country’ |author=Valerie Strauss |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election/biden-trump-teachers-education-policy-2020-election-a9603156.html}}

* In our schools, our newsrooms, even our corporate boardrooms, there is a new far left fascism that demands absolute allegiance.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-03 |title=The 28 most outrageous lines from Donald Trump's Mount Rushmore speech
 |author=Valerie Strauss |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/04/politics/donald-trump-mount-rushmore-south-dakota-speech-lines/index.html}}

* We got hit by the virus that came from China.  We’ve made a lot of progress. Our strategy is moving along well. 
* We’ve learned how to put out the flame.
* Now we have tested almost 40m people. By so doing, we show cases, 99% of which are totally harmless.
** Trump was describing the situation with Covid-19, where more than 128 000 had died out of around 2,800,000 found cases at that time, a death rate of more than 4 %, and around 40,000 to 50,000 new cases were found per day, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-04 |title=Trump claims 99% of US Covid-19 cases are 'totally harmless' as infections surge |author=David Smith |periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jul/05/trump-claims-99-of-us-covid-19-cases-are-totally-harmless-as-infections-surge}}

* We’re very much going to put pressure on governors and everybody else to open the schools.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-07 |title=Column: Trump demands schools reopen or funds might be cut — our (expendable) kids must face the virus! |author=Rex Huppke |periodical=Chicago Tribune |url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-coronavirus-schools-trump-reopen-devos-florida-texas-covid-huppke-20200708-eeb6di3ml5cilk35hzl5ix5l6m-story.html}}

* We have -- consumer confidence has risen 12 points since April, an all-time high. Think of that.
** Untrue claim, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-09 |title=Fact check: Exaggerating again, Trump claims four non-record economic figures are records |author=Daniel Dale |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/06/politics/fact-check-trump-june-jobs-exaggerations/index.html}}

* Too many Universities and School Systems are about Radical Left Indoctrination, not [[Education]].  Therefore, I am telling the [[w:United States Department of the Treasury|Treasury Department]] to re-examine their Tax-Exempt Status and/or Funding, which will be taken away if this Propaganda or Act Against Public Policy continues. Our children must be Educated, not Indoctrinated!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-11 |title=Doctors, teachers reject Trump's pressure to reopen U.S. schools
 |author=Susan Heavey |periodical=Reuters |url=https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-uda-education/in-bid-to-reopen-u-s-schools-trump-threatens-their-tax-exempt-status-idUSKBN24B2D3?il=0}}

* Deaths in the U.S. are way down.
* For the 1/100th time, the reason we show so many Cases, compared to other countries that haven’t done nearly as well as we have, is that our TESTING is much bigger and better. We have tested 40,000,000 people. If we did 20,000,000 instead, Cases would be half, etc. NOT REPORTED!
* We have the lowest Mortality Rate in the World.
* Job growth is biggest in history.
* Economy and Jobs are growing MUCH faster than anyone (except me!) expected.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-11 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump keeps repeating false pandemic information |author= Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen, and Christopher Rugaber|periodical=Sentinel Colorado |url=https://sentinelcolorado.com/news/nation-world/fact-check/ap-fact-check-trump-keeps-repeating-false-pandemic-information/}}

* I disagreed with doing this very small (tiny) section of wall, in a tricky area, by a private group which raised money by ads.  It was only done to make me look bad, and perhsps it now doesn't even work. Should have been built like rest of Wall, 500 plus miles.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-12 |title=Trump says possibly unstable section of border wall funded by supporters was 'only done to make me look bad'|author= Catherine Garcia | periodical=The Week |url=https://theweek.com/speedreads/925124/trump-says-possibly-unstable-section-border-wall-funded-by-supporters-only-done-make-look-bad}}

* I know people that like the [[w:Confederate flag|Confederate flag]] and they're not thinking about [[Slavery in the United States|slavery]].
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-18 |title=Trump keeps fighting a Confederate flag battle many supporters have conceded |author= Tina Nguyen | periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/news/2020/07/18/trump-confederate-flag-battle-368607}}

* Look, I take responsibility always for everything because it's ultimately my job, too. I have to get everybody in line.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-19 |title=Trump pushes back against critics on coronavirus, addresses whether he will accept election results in exclusive interview |author= Ronn Blitzer | periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-pushes-back-against-critics-on-coronavirus-addresses-whether-he-will-accept-election-results-in-exclusive-interview}}

* I’m not a big fan of [[Fox News|Fox]], I’ll be honest with you.
* We’re signing a healthcare plan within two weeks, a full and complete healthcare plan that the supreme court decision on DACA gave me the right to do.  So we’re going to solve – we’re going to sign an immigration plan, a healthcare plan, and various other plans. And nobody will have done what I’m doing in the next four weeks.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-19 |title=Donald Trump v Fox News Sunday: extraordinary moments from a wild interview |author= Amanda Holpuch | periodical=The Guardian |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jul/19/donald-trump-fox-news-sunday-chris-wallace-interview}}

* We've done much better than most. And with the fatality rate at a lower rate than most, it's something that we can talk about.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-21 |title=AP FACT CHECK: A More Measured Trump Doesn't Mean Accurate |author=  | periodical=VOA |url=https://www.voanews.com/covid-19-pandemic/ap-fact-check-more-measured-trump-doesnt-mean-accurate}}

* Well, you see something that looks good and you don’t investigate it.
** Trump was describing his habit of retweeting content that has sometimes been odd, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-22 |title=Donald Trump admits he regrets his tweets 'too often', says his retweets 'get him in trouble' and reminisces about the 'old days when you could write a letter and let it sit for a day' |author= Ariel Zilber | periodical=DailyMail |url=https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8558493/Trump-says-regrets-Twitter-posts-admits-times-love-it.html}}

* So it sort of is curious. A man works for us, with us, very closely, Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx also, very highly thought of -- and yet, they're highly thought of, but &lt;b&gt;nobody likes me&lt;/b&gt;?  It can only be my personality, that's all.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title='Nobody likes me': Trump ponders pandemic popularity of Fauci and Birx |author= Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/28/politics/donald-trump-anthony-fauci-approval-rating/index.html}}

* If it reached my desk I would have done something about it.
** Trump was commenting on a U.S. intelligence assessment that Russia was paying a bounty to militants in Afghanistan to kill Americans there, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump hype on drug costs, hydroxychloroquine |author=Hope Yen and Calvin Woodward | periodical=Star Tribune |url=https://www.startribune.com/ap-fact-check-trump-hype-on-drug-costs-hydroxychloroquine/571989352/}}

* You can look at large portions of our country, it's corona-free.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-28 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely says 'large portions' of the US are 'corona-free,' repeats claim that protests are leading to rising cases |author=Holmes Lybrand, Tara Subramaniam, Nathan McDermott and Em Steck | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/28/politics/coronavirus-trump-kodak-press-briefing-fact-check/index.html}}

* Anarchists, Agitators or Protestors who vandalize or damage our Federal Courthouse in Portland, or any Federal Buildings in any of our Cities or States, will be prosecuted under our recently re-enacted [[Statues &amp; Monuments Act]]. MINIMUM TEN YEARS IN PRISON. Don’t do it!  
** [https://mobile.twitter.com/Oijans/status/1346916360178302978 Tweet] 28 July 2020

* I think she'd be a fine choice, [[Kamala Harris]]. She'd be a fine choice.
** Trump commented on the possibility of Kamala Harris becoming vice president candidate, according to a [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-072920/ White House transcript].  

* With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE &amp; FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote???
** A tweet ({{citation |url=https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1288818160389558273 |title=With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE &amp; FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote??? |date=2020-07-30 |accessdate=2020-07-30 |publisher={{w|Twitter}} |lang=en-US |author=Donald Trump}}) that received substantial attention with many further sources quoting it, such as {{citation |url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-53599363 |title=Republicans to Trump: You can't delay 2020 election |date=2020-07-30 |accessdate=2020-07-30 |publisher={{w|BBC}} |lang=en-GB}}

* Must know Election results on the night of the Election, not days, months, or even years later!
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-29 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump’s election agitations and distortions |author=Calvin Woodward | periodical=Seattle Times |url=https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/ap-fact-check-trumps-election-agitations-and-distortions/}}

* Young people are almost immune to this disease.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-07-30 |title=Trump says he can't assure school safety amid pandemic: 'Can you assure anybody of anything?' |author=Jessie Hellman | periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/509902-trump-says-he-cant-assure-school-safety-amid-pandemic-can-you-assure}}

* The first questions are very easy. The last questions are much more difficult, like a memory question. It's like you go, '''&quot;Person, woman, man, camera, TV&quot;'''. So, they say, &quot;Could you repeat that?&quot; So I said, &quot;Yeah. So it's person, woman, man, camera, TV.&quot; Okay. That's very good. If you get it in order, you get extra points.
**As quoted by {{citation|date=2020-07-23|title=President Trump Stars in Cognitive Test Part Deux: Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV|author=Peter Wade|periodical=Rolling Stone|url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-cognitive-test-person-woman-man-camera-tv-1033002}}, on having been given the {{W|Montreal Cognitive Assessment}}.

====August 2020====
* When you see the Drug Companies taking massive television ads against me, forget what they say (which is false), YOU KNOW THAT DRUG PRICES ARE COMING DOWN, BIG.
** As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-08-02 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump hype on drug costs, hydroxychloroquine |author=Hope Yen and Calvin Woodward | periodical=APNEWS |url=https://apnews.com/d7f1d2003aeaa95466e12b875b7b4619}}

* They are dying. That's true. And you -- it is what it is. But that doesn't mean we aren't doing everything we can. &lt;b&gt;It's under control as much as you can control it.&lt;/b&gt; This is a horrible plague that beset us.
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Stephen Collinson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump spinning virus failure as a win again by celebrating 'encouraging' progress | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/donald-trump-coronavirus-pence-birx/index.html}}

* You can take the number of cases and look &lt;b&gt;we're last, meaning we're first&lt;/b&gt;.
** Trump was explaining the virus situation, as quoted by {{citation | author=James Walker | date=2020-08-03 |title=5 Takeaways From Trump's Axios Interview | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-takeaways-donald-trump-axios-interview-1522596}}

* In an &lt;b&gt;illegal late night coup&lt;/b&gt;, [[Nevada]]’s clubhouse Governor made it impossible for Republicans to win the state.  &lt;b&gt;Post Office could never handle the Traffic of Mail-In Votes without preparation&lt;/b&gt;. Using Covid to steal the state. See you in Court!
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Quint Forgey | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump threatens lawsuit to block mail-in voting in Nevada | periodical=Politico | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2020/08/03/trump-nevada-mail-voting-lawsuit-390878}}

* Whether you call it Vote by Mail or Absentee Voting, in Florida the election system is Safe and Secure, Tried and True. Florida's Voting system has been cleaned up (we defeated Democrats attempts at change), so &lt;b&gt;in Florida I encourage all to request a Ballot &amp; Vote by Mail! &lt;/b&gt;#MAGA,
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-03 |title=In apparent reversal, Trump encourages Floridians to vote by mail
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/donald-trump-mail-in-voting-florida/index.html}}

* There is no way you can go through a mail-in vote without massive cheating.
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-03 |title=Jonathan Swan reveals the simple secret to exposing Trump's lies: basic follow-up questions | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/04/politics/fact-check-jonathan-swan-axios-hbo-interview-trump-coronavirus/index.html}}

* I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well. Probably better than anybody you’ve interviewed in a long time,
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Aaron Rupar | date=2020-08-03 |title=“They are dying. That’s true. It is what it is.” Trump’s Axios interview was a disaster. | periodical=VOX | url=https://www.vox.com/2020/8/4/21354055/trump-axios-interview-jonathan-swan}}

* I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know John Lewis.  He chose not to come to my inauguration. He chose -- I don't -- I never met John Lewis actually, I don't believe.
** Trump was responding to how civil rights icon John Lewis will be remembered, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tyler Olson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump withholds praise for John Lewis, notes he 'didn't come to my inauguration'| periodical=Fox News| url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-john-lewis-inauguration}} 

* When I took over we didn't even have a test.
** Trump pointed out that in 2017, there was no test for the coronavirus that emerged in 2019, as quoted by {{citation | author=Steve Benen | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump points to imagined 'manuals' to argue against virus tests | periodical=MSNBC | url=https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/trump-points-imagined-manuals-argue-against-virus-tests-n1235815}} 

* we have done an incredible job, everything is under control [referring to the United states handling of the [[Covid Pandemic]] ]
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaaTZkqsaxY interview] by  [[w:Jonathan Swan]] of [[w:Axios (website)|Axios]] on [[w:HBO]]

* It would seem like it based on the explosion. I met with some of our great generals and they just seem to feel that it was. This was not a — some kind of a manufacturing explosion type of a event. … They seem to think it was a attack. It was a bomb of some kind, yes.
** When asked why he called an explosion in Beirut an attack and not an accident, as quoted by {{citation | author=Darlene Superville/AP | date=2020-08-04 |title=Trump Says Massive Explosion in Beirut Likely an 'Attack' | periodical=Time | url=time.com/5875784/trump-explosion-beirut-attack/}} 

* '''Q''': (Inaudible) if 160,000 people had died on President Obama's watch, do you think you would have called for his resignation?
: '''Trump''': No, I wouldn’t have done that. I think it’s — I think it’s been amazing what we’ve been able to do. If we didn’t close up our country, we would have had one and a half or two million people already dead. We’ve called it right; now we don’t have to close it. We understand the disease. Nobody understood it because nobody has ever seen anything like this. The closest thing is, in 1917, they say — right? The great — the great pandemic certainly was a terrible thing, where they lost, anywhere from 50- to 100 million people. Probably ended the [[Second World War]]; all the soldiers were sick. That was a — that was a terrible situation. And this is highly contagious. This one is highly, highly contagious. No, if I would have listened to a lot of people, we would have kept it open. And, by the way, we keep it open now, all the way. We keep it open. But we would have kept it open and you could be up to a million and a half or two million people right now — one and a half to two million people. Our people have done a fantastic job — our consultants and our doctors. You know, and with disagreements and with a lot of things happening.
:* ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-press-briefing-august-10-2020/ Remarks by President Trump in Press Briefing | August 10, 2020]'', issued on: August 11, 2020, ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''
:* Note: In October 2014, Donald Trump [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/525431218910027776 tweeted] that U.S. President [[Barack Obama]] should resign because a doctor who had treated [[Ebola]] patients in Guinea returned to the U.S, reported in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.?]'' by David Mikkelson, 15 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''. And the [[1918 flu pandemic]] lasted from February 1918 to April 1920, years before the [[World War II]] which started in 1939.

* If Biden would win, he's going to double, triple, everybody's taxes.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale, Holmes Lybrand and Tara Subramaniam | date=2020-08-04 |title=Fact Check: At briefings, Trump is settling into a routine of false claims and exaggeration | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/12/politics/donald-trump-press-briefing-biden-tax-plan-coronavirus-fact-check/index.html}} 

* Nasty
* Horrible
* Person who has told many many stories that weren't true
* Extraordinarily nasty
* Nasty to a level that was just a horrible thing
* Very very nasty to [[Joe Biden]]
* Probably nastier even than [[Elizabeth Warren|Pocahontas]]
* Meanest, most horrible, most disrespectful of anybody in the U.S. Senate.
** On [[Kamala Harris]], as quoted by {{citation | author=Andrew Solender | date=2020-08-11 | title=Trump Repeatedly Calls Kamala Harris ‘Nasty’ And ‘Horrible’ In White House Briefing | periodical=Forbes | url=https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewsolender/2020/08/11/trump-repeatedly-calls-kamala-harris-nasty-and-horrible-in-white-house-briefing/#440e0fb54570}} 
 
* Europe has experienced a nearly 40% higher excess mortality rate than the United States
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted by {{citation | author=Jessica McDonald | date=2020-08-11 | title=Trump Touts Misleading and Flawed Excess Mortality Statistic | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/08/trump-touts-misleading-and-flawed-excess-mortality-statistic/}} 

* If I don’t win the election, China will own the United States — you will have to learn to speak Chinese!
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Justin Paragona | date=2020-08-12 |title=Trump: If I Lose to Biden, Get Ready to ‘Have to Learn to Speak Chinese’| periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-if-i-lose-to-biden-get-ready-to-have-to-learn-to-speak-chinese/}} 

* So showerheads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Debbie White, Jon Rogers, Fionnuala O'Leary | date=2020-08-12 |title=US proposes change to shower rules after President’s hair-washing complaint | periodical=The SUN | url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12369436/donald-trump-latest-news-live-updates/}} 

*Now, they need that money in order to make the post office work, so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots. Now, if we don’t make a deal, that means they don’t get the money. That means they can’t have universal mail-in voting, they just can’t have it.
**(August 13, 2020) [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-opposes-funding-usps-bid-block-vote-mail/story?id=72353322 Trump suggests he'd oppose USPS funding to hurt mail-in voting, then says he won't] ''ABC News''

* Leave Democrat cities.  Let them rot.
** Retweeted by Trump, as quoted by {{citation | author=James Gordon | date=2020-08-16 |title='Let them rot!': Trump retweets supporter's message calling for Democrat-led cities such as NYC and Chicago to be abandoned - along with a video of protesters threatening drivers in Manhattan
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8633677/Let-rot-Trump-retweets-supporters-message-democrat-cities.html}} 

* [[New Zealand]], by the way, had a big outbreak
** Said about the Covid-19 virus, which at that time had caused the death of a total of 22 persons in New Zealand.  Quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-18 |title=Fact check: Trump says New Zealand has had a 'big outbreak.' It reported 5 new cases on Thursday | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/fact-check-trump-new-zealand-outbreak/index.html}} 

* Don't buy GOODYEAR TIRES - They announced a BAN ON MAGA HATS. Get better tires for far less! (This is what the Radical Left Democrats do. Two can play the same game, and we have to start playing it now!)
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump 'cancels' Goodyear tires as he campaigns against 'cancel culture'
 | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/trump-goodyear-cancel-culture/index.html}} 

* I don't know much about the movement other than I understand they like me very much, which I appreciate
** Said about the [[QAnon]] group, as quoted by {{citation | author=Kevin Liptak | date=2020-08-20 |title=Trump embraces QAnon conspiracy because 'they like me' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/donald-trump-qanon/index.html}} 

* I see again the forest fires are starting.  They’re starting again in California. I said, you gotta clean your floors, you gotta clean your forests — there are many, many years of leaves and broken trees and they’re like, like, so flammable, you touch them and it goes up.  Maybe we’re just going to have to make them pay for it because they don’t listen to us.
** Quoted by {{citation | author=Jeremy B. White | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump blames California for wildfires, tells state 'you gotta clean your floors'
 | periodical=Politico | url=https://www.politico.com/states/california/story/2020/08/20/trump-blames-california-for-wildfires-tells-state-you-gotta-clean-your-floors-1311059}} 

* I know nothing about the project other than I didn't like when I read about it, I didn't like it.
* I think it's a very sad thing for Mr. Bannon.  I didn't know any of the other people, either.
** Trump talked about the private &quot;We build the wall&quot; project, as quoted by {{citation | author=Andrew Kaczynski, Em Steck | date=2020-08-20 |title=Fact check: Trump knows most people involved in private border wall project, despite claiming not to | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/fact-check-trump-private-border-wall-project/index.html}} 

* The only way they're gonna win is by a rigged election. I really believe that. I saw the crowd outside.
** Said about Democrats, as quoted by {{citation | author=Daniel Dale | date=2020-08-20 |title=Fact check: Trump delivers blizzard of false claims in Pennsylvania speech attacking Biden | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/20/politics/trump-false-claims-pennsylvania-speech-biden-fact-check/index.html}} 

* We're going to have sheriffs, and we're going to have law enforcement, and we're going to have, hopefully, US attorneys, and we're going to have everybody and attorney generals [sic]
** Trump told about his plan for monitoring and preventing voter fraud, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tara Subramariam | date=2020-08-21 |title=Fact Check: Can the President send law enforcement officers to polling places? | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/21/politics/donald-trump-law-enforcement-election-polls-fact-check/index.html}} 

* The [[deep state]], or whoever, over at the FDA is making it very difficult for drug companies to get people in order to test the vaccines and therapeutics. Obviously, they are hoping to delay the answer until after November 3rd. Must focus on speed, and saving lives
** As quoted by {{citation | author=Hope Yen, Calvin Woodward | date=2020-08-24 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump's baseless claim of 'deep state' at FDA| periodical=Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | url=https://www.post-gazette.com/business/powersource/2020/08/24/AP-FACT-CHECK-Trump-s-baseless-claim-of-deep-state-at-FDA/stories/202008240037}}

====September 2020====
* The entire city is ablaze all the time.
** Claimed about Portland, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-01 |title=Fact check: Trump makes more false claims about Biden and protests | author=By Daniel Dale, Tara Subramaniam, Holmes Lybrand | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/31/politics/trump-kenosha-briefing-fact-check/index.html}}

* CNN reported that I had a heart attack.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}}

* Hospitalizations and deaths have declined radically over the past week.
** Claimed about the Covid-19 pandemic, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}}

* The Dow Jones Industrial just closed above 29,000! You are so lucky to have me as your President.  With Joe Hiden’ it would crash.
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301249968091455488 Tweet]

* Did you ever see a man who likes a mask as much as him? He has it hanging down. Because it gives him a feeling of security. If I were a psychiatrist, right, you know I'd say: 'This guy's got some big issues. Hanging down. Hanging down'.
** Said about President candidate Joe Biden wearing a face mask for protection against Covid-19, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-04 |title=Donald Trump mocks Joe Biden for manner of wearing mask | periodical=Independent.ie | url=https://www.independent.ie/videos/donald-trump-mocks-joe-biden-for-manner-of-wearing-mask-39502878.html}}  

* If it has not been counted, vote -- which is every citizen's right to do -- you go and vote. You press the lever and vote. So if it hasn't been counted, if it doesn't show up, go and vote, and then, if your mail-in ballot arrives after you vote, which it shouldn't but possibly it could perhaps, that ballot will not be used or counted in that your vote has already been cast and tabulated, so this way you're guaranteed to have your vote count.
** Trump suggested voting twice, which is a federal crime, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-04 | title=Ignoring warnings from election officials, Trump again suggests supporters should try to vote twice | author= Dianne Gallagher, Caroline Kelly, Marshall Cohen, Brian Rokus | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/05/politics/trump-vote-twice-north-carolina/index.html}} 

* The top people in the [[w:The Pentagon|Pentagon]]... want to do nothing but fight wars so all of those wonderful companies that make the bombs and make the planes and make everything else stay happy
** In front of the [[w:White House|White House]]  at a [https://www.trtworld.com/americas/trump-pentagon-chiefs-fighting-wars-to-oblige-arms-companies-39561 US Labor Day news conference on September 7, 2020] 

* Under [[w:Operation_Warp_Speed|Operation Warp Speed]], we've pioneered groundbreaking therapies, reducing the fatality rate 85% since April.
* We're way ahead on the nuclear front. We've upgraded our nuclear.
* When reports come out that certain countries don't really like me too much, that's not because of my personality, although it could be that also, frankly.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-08 | title=The 37 most absurd lines from Donald Trump's Labor Day 'news conference'
 | author= Chris Cillizza | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/08/politics/donald-trump-labor-day-press-conference/index.html}} 

* The president of the United States calls the shots (Trump says in ~second 50 of video)
* If [[Bob Woodward]] thought what I said was bad then he should have immediately, right after I said it, gone out to the authorities so they can prepare,
** Trump was talking about what he told Bob Woodward regarding downplaying the coronavirus threat, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-10 | title=Someone needs to remind Donald Trump that Bob Woodward isn't president of the United States | author= Chris Cillizza | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/10/politics/trump-bob-woodward-rage/index.html}} 

* I think there’s probably – possibly – drugs involved
** Claimed about President Candidate Joe Biden, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-10 | title=Trump uses Fox News interview to accuse Biden of taking drugs | author= Martin Pengelly | periodical=The Guardian | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/12/trump-biden-drugs-fox-news-interview}} 

* Tell your governor to open up your state
**  On September 14, 2020, in front of hundreds of supporters  packed together, according to [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/09/13/donald-trump-latino-voters-las-vegas-ahead-rally/5784501002/ ''Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak says Trump took 'reckless and selfish actions' by holding indoor rally'']

* I don't think [[science]] knows, actually.
* It'll start getting cooler. You just watch.
** Trump described his stance on [[Scientific consensus on climate change|climate science]] and [[global warming]], as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-14 | title=Trump baselessly questions climate science during California wildfire briefing | author= Maegan Vazquez | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/14/politics/donald-trump-wildfires-briefing-climate-change/index.html}} 

* Nobody knew the seniors are susceptible
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Fact check: Trump made at least 22 false or misleading claims at ABC town hall | author= Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/16/politics/fact-check-trump-abc-town-hall/index.html}} 

* We’re on track to deliver and distribute the vaccine in a very, very safe and effective manner.  We think we can start sometime in October. So as soon as it is announced, we’ll be able to start. That’ll be from mid-October on. It may be a little bit later than that, but we’ll be all set.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump Again Overstates Speed of COVID-19 Vaccine Rollout | author= Jessica McDonald | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trump-again-overstates-speed-of-covid-19-vaccine-rollout/}} 

* As soon as the FDA approves the vaccine... we’ll be able to distribute 100 million doses by the end of 2020 and a large number much sooner than that
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump says U.S. could distribute at least 100 million COVID vaccine doses by end of 2020 | author= Reuters staff | periodical=Reuters| url=https://www.reuters.com/article/healthcoronavirus-trump-vaccine/trump-says-u-s-could-distribute-at-least-100-million-covid-vaccine-doses-by-end-of-2020-idINW1N2FG089}} 

* You saw what happened in [[Pennsylvania]]. Some state Supreme Court justice just ruled that they can take as long as they want to count the ballots. That means I’ll be leading and winning Pennsylvania like we did last time. Yeah, yeah. We’ll be leading, we’ll be winning Pennsylvania. We’re going to win it easy.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-16 | title=Trump’s False Statement About Counting Ballots in Pennsylvania | author= Rem Rieder | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-false-statement-about-counting-ballots-in-pennsylvania/}}

* [[Left-wing politics|Left-wing]] mobs have torn down statues of our founders, desecrated our memorials, and carried out a campaign of [[violence]] and [[Anarchism|anarchy]]. Far-left demonstrators have chanted the words “America was never great.” The left has launched a vicious and violent assault on law enforcement — the universal symbol of the [[rule of law]] in America. These radicals have been aided and abetted by liberal politicians, [[Mainstream media|establishment media]], and even large [[corporations]]. Whether it is the mob on the street, or the cancel culture in the boardroom, the goal is the same: to silence dissent, to scare you out of speaking the truth, and to bully Americans into abandoning their values, their heritage, and their very way of life.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* The radicals burning [[Flag of the United States|American flags]] want to burn down the principles enshrined in our founding documents, including the bedrock principle of equal justice under law. In order to radically transform America, they must first cause Americans to lose confidence in who we are, where we came from, and what we believe. As I said at [[Mount Rushmore]] — which they would love to rip down and it rip it down fast, and that’s never going to happen — two months ago, the left-wing cultural revolution is designed to overthrow the [[American Revolution]].
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* The left has warped, distorted, and defiled the American story with deceptions, falsehoods, and lies. There is no better example than [[the New York Times]]’ totally discredited 1619 Project. This project rewrites American history to teach our children that we were founded on the principle of oppression, not freedom. Nothing could be further from the truth. America’s founding set in motion the unstoppable chain of events that abolished slavery, secured civil rights, defeated communism and fascism, and built the most fair, equal, and prosperous nation in human history.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

* Critical race theory, the 1619 Project, and the crusade against American history is toxic propaganda, ideological poison that, if not removed, will dissolve the civic bonds that tie us together. It will destroy our country.
** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020)

*She just died? Wow. I didn't know that. You are telling me now for the first time. She led an amazing life. What else can you say? Whether you agreed or not, she was an amazing woman who led an amazing life. I am actually sad to hear that.
**[https://deadline.com/2020/09/donald-trump-ruth-bader-ginsburg-1234579988/ On the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg] (18 September 2020)

* Can you believe it, in one week they nominated me, not for one, but for two Nobel prizes.  But you know, you have a president, you love your president, and your president gets honored, because I’m not being honored, you’re being honored with the Nobel Peace Prize, for Israel, what we did with Israel. 
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-19 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} 

* I’m the only man that got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and I didn’t get any press.  They wouldn’t. For two of them. Last week, I’m not bragging about it.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} 

* I said, ‘Shinzo, please do me a favor, we need more car companies. ... We want them built here, not in Japan, please.’ He said, ‘But we cannot do that, this is a free enterprise system.’ I said, ‘... Please, I need some car companies.’ ... I said, ‘Shinzo, you have to do it.’ Next day, it was the story: ‘Five car companies opened up in Michigan.‘
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump’s made-up car plants, court revisionism | author= Hope Yen, Calvin Woodward, Tom Krisher | periodical=AP | url=https://apnews.com/ec85b88102464c9651d32b475c01c183}} 

* I saved it. I put our miners back to work.
** Claimed about the US coal mining industry, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Fact check: Trump makes false claims about his record on manufacturing and coal jobs | author= Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/23/politics/fact-check-trump-jobs-manufacturing-coal/index.html}} 

* Now we know it. It [the coronavirus] affects elderly people, elderly people with heart problems and other problems. If they have other problems. That's what it really affects. That's it.  You know, In some states, thousands of people—nobody young. Below the age of 18, like, nobody. They have a strong immune system, who knows? You look...Take your hat off to the young, because they have a hell of an immune system. But it affects virtually nobody. It's an amazing thing.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-22 | title=Trump Says Coronavirus 'Affects Virtually Nobody,' As U.S. Has World's Highest Death Toll | author= Kashmira Gander | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/trump-covid-virtually-nobody-rally-ohio-1533452}} 

* The stated goal of BLM people is to achieve the destruction of the nuclear family, abolish the police, abolish prisons, abolish border security, abolish [[capitalism]] and abolish school choice.  
** Claimed about the Black Lives Matter movement, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-25 | title=Donald Trump launches blistering attack on the Black Lives Matter movement | author= Graeme Massie | periodical=Independent.co.uk | url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-rally-today-blm-black-lives-matter-b604727.html}} 

* Totally fake news
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/27/trump-calls-nyt-tax-report-totally-fake-news-422330Trump responding] to the NYT report on the alleged tax avoidance by Donald Trump

* We’re leading in [[Pennsylvania]]. We’re leading in [[Florida]]. I think we’re leading everywhere.
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-28 | title=FactChecking Trump’s Weekend Claims
 | author=Lori Robertson, Robert Farley, Rem Rieder, Eugene Kiely, Jessica McDonald, D'Angelo Gore | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/factchecking-trumps-weekend-claims/}} 

* Drug prices will be coming down 80 or 90 percent.
* It's a rigged election.
** Claimed as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-30 | title=Fact check: False claims flood Trump-Biden debate | author=AP staff | periodical=MPR news| url=https://www.mprnews.org/story/2020/09/30/fact-check-false-claims-flood-trumpbiden-debate}} 

* I read today where at least 1% of the ballots for 2016 were invalidated. They take 'em. 'We don't like 'em. We don't like 'em.' They throw them out, left and right
* Take a look at West Virginia, mailmen selling the ballots. They're being sold.
* Number two, they cheat. They cheat. Hey, they found ballots in a wastepaper basket three days ago, and they all had the name military ballots -- there were military -- they all had the name Trump on 'em.
** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-30 | title=Fact check: Almost every single one of Trump's debate claims about mail-in voting was wrong | author=Daniel Dale, Marshall Cohen | periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/30/politics/fact-check-trump-first-debate-mail-voting-fraud/index.html}}

* [[Steve Jobs]] would not be happy that his wife is wasting  money he left her on a failing Radical Left Magazine that is run by a con man (Goldberg) and spews FAKE NEWS &amp; HATE. Call her, write her, let her know how you feel!!!
** [[Trump]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/06/business/donald-trump-laurene-powell-jobs/?iid=ob_lockedrail_longstory_pool Trump attacks the sixth-richest woman in the world for her ties to] [[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]] on September 6, 2020

====October 2020====
[[File:President Trump Works at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center (50423775191).jpg|thumb|[[Feeling]] really [[good]]! Don’t be [[afraid]] of [[COVID-19 pandemic|Covid]]. [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|Don’t let it dominate]] your [[life]]. We have developed, under the [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump Administration]], some really great [[drugs]] &amp; [[knowledge]]. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!]] 
* Tonight, @FLOTUS and I tested positive for [[COVID-19]]. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1311892190680014849 through twitter] on October 1, 2020

* OUR GREAT USA WANTS &amp; NEEDS STIMULUS. WORK TOGETHER AND GET IT DONE. Thank you!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1312449034154504192 via tweet] on October 3, 2020

* If you look at the therapeutics, which I’m taking right now, some of them, and others are coming out soon that are looking like, frankly, they’re miracles, if you want to know the truth, they’re miracles.  People criticize me when I say that, but we have things happening that look like they’re miracles, coming down from God.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-03 |title=Trump’s COVID-19 Misinformation Since Testing Positive | author= Jessica McDonald, Eugene Kiely, Lori Robertson | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/trumps-covid-19-misinformation-since-testing-positive/}}

* I learned a lot about COVID. I learned it by really going to school. This is the real school, this isn’t the let’s-read-a-book school. And I get it and I understand it and it’s a very interesting thing and I’m gonna be letting you know about it.
** Said while being treated in hospital for Covid-19, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-05 |title=Editorial: President Trump’s learn-by-doing approach to COVID-19 | author=LA Times Editorial Board | periodical=LA Times | url=https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-10-06/trump-covid-school}}

* I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs &amp; knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313186529058136070 Via twitter] posted 11:37 AM · Oct 5, 2020

* Flu season is coming up! Many people every year, sometimes over 100,000, and despite the Vaccine, die from the Flu. Are we going to close down our Country? No, we have learned to live with it, just like we are learning to live with Covid, in most populations far less lethal!!!
** Claimed in a tweet that was later labeled as misleading and in a Facebook posting that was later deleted by Facebook, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-06 |title=Facebook, Twitter block Trump post that falsely claims coronavirus is less deadly than flu | author=Jessica Bursztynsky | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/06/facebook-removes-trump-post-falsely-comparing-coronavirus-and-the-flu.html}}

* REPEAL [[SECTION 230]]!!! 
**6 October 2020 [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313511340124917760 tweet] about [[w:Section 230|Section 230]] of the United States Communications Decency Act, which allows online platforms to moderate and remove harmful content without being penalized. Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-06 |title=Facebook, Twitter block Trump post that falsely claims coronavirus is less deadly than flu | author=Jessica Bursztynsky | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/06/facebook-removes-trump-post-falsely-comparing-coronavirus-and-the-flu.html}}

*I have instructed my representatives to stop negotiating until after the election when, immediately after I win, we will pass a major Stimulus Bill that focuses on hardworking Americans and Small Business.
** According to [https://www.axios.com/trump-coronavirus-stimulus-negotiations-7d464d0e-924f-46f5-90d2-9e8097c9c8f7.html Trump says he will not negotiate on COVID relief until after election]

* We should have the small remaining number of our BRAVE Men and Women serving in Afghanistan home by Christmas!
** Via [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313984510749544450 tweet] October 7, 2020

* I think this was a blessing from God that I caught it. It was a blessing in disguise.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump returns to Oval Office and says coronavirus diagnosis was 'blessing from God' | author=Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/07/politics/trump-oval-office-coronavirus/index.html}}

* I don’t think I’m contagious at all.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=President Trump says he’s not ‘contagious at all’ days after leaving hospital with coronavirus | author=Will Feuer | periodical=CNBC | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2020/10/08/president-trump-says-hes-not-contagious-at-all-days-after-leaving-hospital-with-coronavirus-.html}}

* I'm not going to do a virtual debate.  I’m not going to waste my time at a virtual debate.
** Trump commented on the initiative of having the presidential candidates participating from remote locations for the second presidential debate, in view of his Covid-19 infection, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump says he will 'not waste my time' with a 'virtual debate' after CPD announces changes | author=Brooke Singman | periodical=Fox News | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/second-trump-biden-debate-will-be-virtual-organizers-say}}

* Monster .. Communist .. Horrible .. Totally unlikeable 
** Trump was referring to Vice President candidate Kamala Harris, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump insults Harris as 'a monster' morning after vice presidential debate | author=Elizabeth Thomas | periodical=ABC News | url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-insults-harris-monster-morning-vice-presidential-debate/story?id=73498918}}

* We want to do a rally in Florida, probably in Florida on Saturday night, might come back and do one in Pennsylvania on the following night.  I feel so good!&lt;br&gt;Well, what we’re doing is probably, the test will be tomorrow, and the actual test, because there’s no reason to test all the time, but they found very little infection or virus, if any.  I don’t know if they found any, I didn’t go into it greatly with the doctors.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Coughing Through Hannity Interview, Trump Says He Wants to Do Saturday Rally | author=Justin Baragona | periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-coughing-through-hannity-interview-says-he-wants-to-do-saturday-rally}}

* Nobody ever even heard of tariffs. They never even heard of tariffs. Nobody. In fact, when I first started doing it, they didn't even know what it meant.
** Claimed about tariffs on imports from China, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-11 |title=Fact check: Trump makes at least 14 false claims in first post-hospital interview on Fox Business
 | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/08/politics/fact-check-trump-interview-bartiromo-fox-business/index.html}}

* I'll walk into that audience. I'll walk in there, I'll kiss everyone in that audience.  I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and the -- everybody. I'll just give everybody a big, fat kiss.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-12 |title=Trump mocks virus as he launches potential superspreader sprint to win reelection | author=Stephen Collinson | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/13/politics/donald-trump-election-2020-campaign/index.html}}

* They say he was born in Scranton, but he left, he left. He abandoned you.
** Trump referred back to when Joe Biden was 10 years old and the family moved from Pennsylvania to Delaware because his father started in a new job, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Fact check: Trump continues dishonesty bombardment at Pennsylvania rally
 | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/14/politics/fact-check-trump-rally-johnstown-pennsylvania/index.html}}

* My plan: we’re gonna crush the virus very quickly. It’s happening already. It’s happening.&lt;br&gt;And Mexico is paying for the wall, by the way. You know that. I’ve been saying it. They hate to hear that. But they’re paying.&lt;br&gt;We passed VA Choice.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Trump’s lies are getting sillier, stupider, and staler. Last night’s superspreader rally was a doozy | author=Aldous Pennyfarthing | periodical=Daily sound and fury | url=https://dailysoundandfury.com/trumps-lies-are-getting-sillier-stupider-and-staler-last-nights-superspreader-rally-was-a-doozy/}}

* I’m OK with masks. I tell people, wear a mask. But just the other day they came out with a statement that 85% of the people that wear masks catch it.
** Claimed about the coronavirus, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=FactChecking Trump’s Town Hall
 | author=Brooks Jackson, Lori Robertson, Robert Farley, Angelo Fichera, Jessica McDonald, Rem Rieder, Katie Busch, Eugene Kiely | periodical=FactCheck.org | url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/factchecking-trumps-town-hall/}}

* That was an opinion of somebody and that was a retweet.  I’ll put it out there. People can decide for themselves.
** Trump explained why he retweeted a claim that Osama bin Laden’s killing was staged and that members of Navy SEAL Team 6 had been killed to cover it up.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=Column: Trump and Biden town halls showed us two worlds, and only one of them is terrifying | author=Rex Huppke | periodical=Chicago Tribune| url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-trump-biden-town-hall-qanon-rogers-calm-election-polls-huppke-20201016-3oke7rhwhbdrfcshgbnpqmimbe-story.html}}

* When I see thousands of ballots dumped in a garbage can and they happen to have my name on it? I’m not happy about it.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump sees what others do not in the pandemic
 | author=Calvin Woodward, Hope Yen | periodical=AP News| url=https://apnews.com/article/election-2020-virus-outbreak-ap-fact-check-donald-trump-technology-a6ddb8360fa9b1ff95acbbc1e03f437e}}

* Would you like a nice low-income housing project next to your suburban beautiful ranch style house? Generally speaking, no. I saved your suburbs -- &lt;b&gt;women -- suburban women, you're supposed to love Trump.&lt;/b&gt;
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump continues bizarre appeals to suburban women as he campaigns in Covid hotspots | author=Maeve Reston| periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/18/politics/donald-trump-women-gretchen-whitmer/index.html}}

* Fauci is a disaster.  People are tired of coronavirus. People are tired of hearing Fauci and all these idiots.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump says Americans 'tired of hearing Fauci and all these idiots' discuss Covid | author=Joan E Greve| periodical= The Guardian| url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/oct/19/trump-fauci-idiot-experts-criticism-coronavirus}}

* Did you see they found 50,000 ballots in like a river?&lt;br&gt;Even without the vaccine, the pandemic's going to end. It's gonna run its course. It's gonna end. They'll go crazy. He said 'without the vaccine' -- watch, it'll be a headline tomorrow. These people are crazy. No, it's running its course. We're rounding the turn. You see the numbers, and we're rounding the turn.&lt;br&gt;The United States shows more CASES than other countries, which the Lamestream Fake News Media pounces on daily, because it TESTS at such a high (and costly) level.&lt;br&gt;Since the China virus, we have created --- a record in the history of our country -- 11.4 million jobs over just a short period of months.&lt;br&gt;We're now setting records for employment, unemployment. We're setting all sorts of records economically&lt;br&gt;I signed a bill that gives you 10 years in jail if you rip down any federal statue.&lt;br&gt;Mexico is paying for the wall.&lt;br&gt;We gave the greatest -- the biggest tax cut in history.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-20 |title=Fact-checking Trump's dishonest weekend: The President made at least 66 false or misleading claims in three days
 | author=Daniel Dale| periodical= CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/19/politics/fact-check-trump-dishonest-weekend-florida-michigan-georgia-wisconsin/index.html}}

* &lt;i&gt; (About “phony fake ballots&quot;:) &lt;/i&gt; How about the ones that were printed without my name on it, right? They had everything on it. They had every race, they had everything. You had the Senate, you had everything, they forgot to put me down.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-20 |title=Trump Misleads on Ballots Again | author=Lori Robertson| periodical= FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/10/trump-misleads-on-ballots-again/}}

* We're not entering a dark winter, we are entering the final turn and the light at the end of the tunnel
** Said on October 23, 2020 According to ''Fox News Sunday with [[Chris Wallace]]'' [https://www.foxnews.com/shows/fox-news-sunday]

* We're not supposed to have a socialist — look we're not going to be a socialist nation. &lt;b&gt; We're not going to have a socialist president, especially a female socialist president,&lt;/b&gt; we're not gonna have it, we're not gonna put up with it.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-24 |title=Trump targets Kamala Harris in sexist rant against the Democratic vice-presidential nominee | author=Sarah Al-Arshani| periodical= Business Insider| url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-targets-kamala-harris-in-sexist-rant-2020-10?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We won’t have a president that threatens people with jail for just criticizing him
** On the campaign trail for [[Joe Biden]] in [[https://www.wlrn.org/2020-10-25/obama-hits-campaign-trail-in-south-florida-criticizing-trumps-behavior-as-worse-than-florida-man Obama Hits Campaign Trail In South Florida, Criticizing Trump's Behavior As Worse Than Florida Man] October 25, 2020

* Lock'em all up.
** Said about an undefined group of people, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=Fact check: Trump makes at least 16 false or misleading claims to '60 Minutes' | author=Daniel Dale| periodical= CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/25/politics/fact-check-trump-60-minutes-lesley-stahl/index.html}}

* If I didn’t have social media, I’d have no way of getting out my voice.
** {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=CBS releases footage of Trump walking out of 60 Minutes interview
 | author=Martin Melam| periodical= The Guardian| url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/oct/26/cbs-releases-footage-trump-walking-out-60-minutes-interview}}

* Big problems and discrepancies with Mail In Ballots all over the USA.  Must have final total on November 3rd
** Tweet, labelled as &quot;Misleading&quot;, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-26 |title=Twitter slapped yet another Trump tweet about mail-in voting with a 'misleading' label and stopped other users from retweeting it | author=Isobel Asher Hamilton| periodical=Business Insider| url=https://www.businessinsider.com/twitter-trump-tweet-mail-voting-warning-label-minsinformation-block-retweet-2020-10?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We’re rounding the turn,our numbers are incredible.
** at a rally on October 26, 2020 according to [https://www.vox.com/21541967/covid-19-record-cases-us-coronavirus-winter-spike-surge 89,000 new Covid-19 cases per day. And the worst may be yet to come.]

* COVID COVID COVID.. we are rounding the turn all they want to talk about is COVID by the way on Nov 4 you won't be hearing much more about it..Cases are up because we TEST TEST TEST
** During election campaign in [[w:Allentown, Pennsylvania|Allentown]] ''Trump calls U.S. coronavirus case spike a media ‘conspiracy’'' [https://globalnews.ca/news/7422033/coronavirus-trump-testing-conspiracy-tweet/ video]

* The only thing you can do in Pennsylvania is a protest.  You can't go to church. You can't pray to your God. You can't be with your pastors, your priests, your rabbis. You can't be -- none of that. You can't do anything
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-27 |title=Fact check: Trump falsely claims Pennsylvanians 'can't go to church' | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/27/politics/trump-false-claim-pennsylvania-cant-go-to-church-fact-check/index.html}}

* He’ll bury you in regulations, dismantle your police departments, dissolve our borders, confiscate your guns, terminate religious liberty, destroy your suburbs.
* If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school, no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas and no Fourth of July together
** Claimed about Democrat President Candidate Joe Biden, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-29 |title=With typical hyperbole, Trump paints apocalyptic portrait of life under Biden | author=Darlene Superville | periodical=The Times of Israel | url=https://www.timesofisrael.com/with-typical-hyperbole-trump-paints-apocalyptic-portrait-of-life-under-biden/}}

*You know in Germany, if you have a bad heart and you’re ready to die, or if you have cancer and you’re going to be dying soon and you catch Covid, that happens: we mark it down to Covid.&lt;br&gt;You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from Covid. You know that, right?&lt;br&gt;I mean our doctors are very smart people. So what they do is, they say, &quot;I’m sorry, but you know everybody dies of Covid.&quot;&lt;br&gt;But in Germany and other places, if you have a heart attack, or if you have cancer, you’re terminally ill, you catch Covid, they say you died of cancer, you died of a heart attack.&lt;br&gt;With us? When in doubt, choose Covid.&lt;br&gt;Now, it’s true. Now, they’ll say ‘oh, it’s terrible what he said’, but that’s true. It’s like $2,000 more.
**[https://twitter.com/acyn/status/1322244374479040512 30 October 2020]
***Trump's estimate is too high, as [https://twitter.com/ashishkjha/status/1320492597320863751 Ashish Ja states], the bump for documenting Covid ranges from $1600-$2200 which is an average of only $1900 more.

====November 2020====
* We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win this election. This is a major fraud on our nation. We want the law to be used in a proper manner. So we’ll be going to the U.S. Supreme Court. We want all voting to stop.
** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-03 |title=U.S. presidency still undecided; Biden opens leads in key Midwestern states | author= Trevor Hunnicutt, Jeff Mason | periodical=Reuters | url=https://www.reuters.com/article/usa-election/us-presidency-still-undecided-biden-opens-leads-in-key-midwestern-states-idUSKBN27J0FZ}}

*I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!
**[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1325099845045071873 7 November 2020]

*REPORT: DOMINION DELETED 2.7 MILLION TRUMP VOTES NATIONWIDE. DATA ANALYSIS FINDS 221,000 PENNSYLVANIA VOTES SWITCHED FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP TO BIDEN. 941,000 TRUMP VOTES DELETED. STATES USING DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS SWITCHED 435,000 VOTES FROM TRUMP TO BIDEN.
** Disputed tweet, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-13 |title=AP fact check: Trump tweets a tall tale of 'deleted' votes | author= Ali Swenson, Amanda Seitz | periodical=AP News | url=https://apnews.com/article/election-2020-ap-fact-check-joe-biden-donald-trump-technology-13c104367924b8192b4fcecf334f7806}}

*FoxNews and the Fake News Networks aren’t showing these massive gatherings. Instead they have their reporters standing in almost empty streets. We now have SUPPRESSION BY THE PRESS
**[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1327724046595842049 14 November 2020]

* The vaccine will be available to the entire general population with the exception of places like New York state where for political reasons the governor decided to say — and I don’t think it’s good politically, I think it’s very bad from a health standpoint — but he wants to take his time with a vaccine.  We can’t be delivering it to a state that won’t be giving it to its people immediately.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-30 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts on vaccine, state distribution | author= Hope Yen, Laura Neergard, Candice Choi | periodical=AP | url=https://apnews.com/article/ap-fact-check-joe-biden-donald-trump-politics-coronavirus-pandemic-76d1580f82b1586b207990396c1e3b5f}}

* Big victory moments ago in the [[Nevada|State of Nevada]]. The all Democrat County Commissioner race, on same ballot as President, just thrown out because of large scale voter discrepancy. Clark County officials do not have confidence in their own election security. Major impact!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1328483862490574849 Tweet] dated November 16, 2020

* I won the Election!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1328334945148952576 Tweet] November 16, 2020, with the warning by twitter: &quot;Multiple sources called this election differently&quot;

* The recent statement by / [[w:Chris Krebs|Chris Krebs]] on the security of the [[2020 Election]] was highly inaccurate... Therefore, effective immediately, Chris Krebs has been terminated as Director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency.
** Trump fires his Director of the Cybersecurity via twitter according to [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/11/17/trump-ousts-homeland-security-chris-krebs-called-election-secure/6276676002/ Trump ousts Homeland Security cyber chief Chris Krebs, who called election secure] published November 18, 2020

* You wouldn’t have vaccine if it weren’t for me, for another four years.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-20 |title=Trump Suggests Vaccine Companies Orchestrated Revenge-Filled Conspiracy to Make Him Lose | author= Rachel Olding | periodical=Daily Beast | url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-suggests-vaccine-companies-orchestrated-revenge-filled-conspiracy-to-make-him-lose}}

* Don't talk to me that way, you are lightweight. I'm the president of the United States. Don't ever talk to the president that way.
**Responding to a reporter's questions at a Thanksgiving press conference in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election-2020/trump-news-live-twitter-biden-election-b1762621.html Trump news – live: President promises to leave White House before erupting at #DiaperDon Twitter trend (video)] published November 27, 2020 
*[[Big Tech]] and the [[Fake News]] Media have partnered to Suppress. [[Freedom of the press|Freedom of the Press]] is gone, a thing of the past. That’s why they refuse to report the real facts and figures of the 2020 Election...
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1332349861774155778?s=20 Tweet] posted November 27, 2020 which [[Twitter]] tagged with &quot;This claim  about election fraud is disputed&quot;

* Biden can only enter the White House as President if he can prove that his ridiculous '80,000,000 votes' were not fraudulently or illegally obtained. When you see what happened in Detroit, [[w:Atlanta|Atlanta]], [[Philadelphia]] &amp; [[w:Milwaukee|Milwaukee]], massive voter fraud, he's got a big unsolvable problem.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-28 |title=Trump implies he won't leave the White House unless Biden 'can prove' he won 80 million votes, as the president continues to tweet lies and conspiracy theories about the election
 | author= Grace Panetta | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-says-he-wont-leave-white-house-biden-disproves-fraud-2020-11?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* Specific allegations were made, and we have massive proof, in the Pennsylvania case. Some people just don’t want to see it. They want nothing to do with saving our Country. Sad!!!
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1332778938121203720 Tweet] posted November 28, 2020

* @FoxNews daytime is virtually unwatchable, especially during the weekends.
** Tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-29 |title=Trump tells viewers to watch 'anything else' but Fox News ahead of his 1st interview since Election Day | author= Yelena Dzhanova | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-calls-fox-news-unwatchable-criticism-newsmax-2020-11?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* We don't have freedom of the press in this country, we have suppression of the press
** In a phone interview with [[Maria Bartiromo]] on [[Fox News]] November 29, 2020

* I came up with vaccines that people didn't think we'd have for five years
* We had glitches where they moved thousands of votes from my account to Biden's account
* &lt;i&gt; (About the handling of the coronavirus in the US:) &lt;/i&gt; We're doing better than the rest of the world
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-29 |title=Fox News' Maria Bartiromo gave Trump his first TV interview since the election. It was filled with lies | author= Alexis Benveniste | periodical= CNN Business | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/11/29/media/bartiromo-trump-interview/index.html}}

* Who needs Democrats when you have Republicans like [[Brian Kemp]] and Doug Ducey?
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-11-30 |title=Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey defends election process after Trump attack | author= Caroline Kelly, Alison Main | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/11/30/politics/doug-ducey-defends-election-arizona-trump/index.html}}

====December 2020====
* Actually, I won [[Wisconsin]].
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-05 |title=Fact check: Among baseless claims of rigged election, Trump says he won Wisconsin | author= D.L. Davis, Politifact | periodical=Houston Cronicle | url=https://www.houstonchronicle.com/local/texas-politics/politifact/article/Fact-check-Among-baseless-claims-of-rigged-15794749.php}}

* You know we won Georgia, just so you understand.
** Claimed, without evidence, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-05 |title=Fact Check: Trump Makes Bogus Swing State Claim During Campaign Stop In Georgia | author= Eugene Kiely | periodical=GA Today | url=https://www.gpb.org/news/2020/12/09/fact-check-trump-makes-bogus-swing-state-claim-during-campaign-stop-in-georgia}}

* If I lost, I’d be a very gracious loser.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-06 |title=AP FACT CHECK: Trump floods rally with audacious falsehoods | author= Calvin Woodward | periodical=AP News | url=https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-donald-trump-rally-falsehoods-424834660f894040b55b415aecb2a443}}

* RINOS @BrianKempGA, @GeoffDuncanGA, &amp; Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, will be solely responsible for the potential loss of our two GREAT Senators from Georgia, @sendavidperdue &amp; @KLoeffler. Won’t call a Special Session or check for Signature Verification! People are ANGRY!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-07 |title=Trump Says 'RINOS' Kemp, Raffensperger 'Solely Responsible' If Loeffler, Perdue Lose Election | author= Jeffery Martin | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/trump-says-rinos-kemp-raffensperger-solely-responsible-if-loeffler-perdue-lose-election-1553024}}

* The Supreme Court really let us down.  No Wisdom, No Courage!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title='No Wisdom, No Courage!': Trump lashes out at the Supreme Court after it rejected a Texas bid to overturn the election results| author= Kelsey Vlamis | periodical=MSN News | url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/no-wisdom-no-courage-trump-lashes-out-at-the-supreme-court-after-it-rejected-a-texas-bid-to-overturn-the-election-results/ar-BB1bRIqA}}

* WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!!!
** Tweeted about contesting the 2020 Presidential election result, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title=Trump engages in self-sabotage ahead of historic vaccine rollout | author= Maeve Reston | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/13/politics/donald-trump-william-barr-pfizer-vaccine/index.html}}

* It's not over. We keep going and we're going to continue to go forward.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-12 |title=Trump tells 'Fox &amp; Friends' election challenges 'not over' ahead of Electoral College vote | author= Ronn Blitzner | periodical=Fox News | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-fox-and-friends-election-challenges-not-over-electoral-college-vote}}

* Wow! Thousands of people forming in [[Washington, D.C.|Washington (D.C.)]] for [[w:Stop the Steal|Stop the Steal]]. Didn't know about this, but I'll be seeing them! #MAGA
** [https://en.wikinews.org/wiki/Conservative_groups_hold_rally_in_Washington_D.C._claiming_U.S._elections_were_stolen_from_President_Trump Conservative groups hold rally in Washington D.C. claiming U.S. elections were stolen from President Trump]December 15, 2020 

* I saved at least 8 Republican Senators, including Mitch, from losing in the last Rigged (for President) Election. Now they (almost all) sit back and watch me fight against a crooked and vicious foe, the Radical Left Democrats. I will NEVER FORGET!
** Disputed [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1342245390540804096 Tweet], 25 December 2020. 

{{Anchor|Supreme Court  totally incompetent}} 
* The [[Supreme Court of the United States|U.S. Supreme Court]] has been totally incompetent and weak on the massive Election Fraud that took place in the 2020 Presidential Election.  We have absolute PROOF, but they don't want to see it - No 'standing', they say. If we have corrupt elections, we have no country!
** Disputed tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-26 |title=With less than a month left in office, Trump lashes out at 'totally incompetent' Supreme Court for refusing to overturn his election loss | author= Connor Perrett | periodical=Business Insider | url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-supreme-court-totally-incompetent-for-refusing-to-overturn-election-2020-12?r=US&amp;IR=T}}

* Weak and tired Republican “leadership” will allow the bad Defense Bill to pass.
** [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1342245390540804096 Tweet], 29 December 2020. 

* Republican leadership only wants the path of least resistance. Our leaders (not me, of course!) are pathetic.
** Tweet, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-29 | title=Trump lashes out at Republicans after they override his veto | author= Zachary B. Wolfe | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/29/politics/donald-trump-house-votes/index.html}}

===2021===
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|-
|&lt;div id=&quot;articlecount&quot; style=&quot;width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;&quot;&gt; 20 January 2021 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - End of presidency &lt;/div&gt;
|-
|}
====January 2021====
*So, look, all I wanna do, is I wanna find 11,780 votes.
**Spoken to Georgia election officials (including Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger) on January 2, pressuring Secretary of State {{w|Brian Kemp}} to recalculate the [[w:2020 United States presidential election|2020 United States presidential election]] vote in his favor. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/audio-trump-berates-ga-secretary-of-state-urges-him-to-find-votes/2021/01/03/aba64f5f-8c3c-490f-af34-618ccea732d7_video.html |title=Audio: Trump berates Ga. secretary of state, urges him to ‘find’ votes |publisher=''{{w|The Washington Post}}''}}
***[https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/03/politics/trump-brad-raffensperger-phone-call-transcript/index.html full transcript] on CNN

* So dead people voted. And I think the number is close to 5,000 people [in Georgia] .. [There] were thousands and thousands of ballots in a box that was not an official or a sealed box.&lt;br&gt;They ran out because of a water-main break. And there was no water main, there was nothing. There was no break.&lt;br&gt;You had out-of-state voters - they voted in Georgia but they were from out of state - of 4,925&lt;br&gt;They're shredding ballots. And you should look at that very carefully. Because that's so illegal.&lt;br&gt;We have not gone through your Dominion [voting machines], so we can't give them blessing. I mean, in other states, we think we found tremendous corruption with Dominion machines...
** {{citation |date=2020-01-03 | author = BBC News Reality Check Team |  url=https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-55529230 |title=Georgia election: Donald Trump's phone call fact-checked |publisher=BBC News}}

*One thing we know is you, [[w:Jeffrey A. Rosen|Rosen]], aren't going to do anything to overturn the election
** &quot;[https://www.npr.org/2021/10/07/1044015379/senate-report-details-trumps-efforts-to-use-doj-to-overturn-election-results Senate report details Trump's efforts to use DOJ to overturn election results]&quot; (January 3, 2021)

*Rudy, you did a great job. He's got guts. You know what? He's got guts, unlike a lot of people in the Republican Party. He's got guts. He fights, he fights.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;Our brightest days are before us, our greatest achievements still wait. I think one of our great achievements will be election security because nobody until I came along, had any idea how corrupt our elections were. And again, most people would stand there at 9:00 in the evening and say, “I want to thank you very much,” and they go off to some other life, but I said, “Something’s wrong here. Something’s really wrong. Can’t have happened.” And we fight. We fight like Hell and if you don’t fight like Hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;After this, we’re going to walk down and I’ll be there with you. We’re going to walk down. We’re going to walk down any one you want, but I think right here. We’re going walk down to the Capitol, and we’re going to cheer on our brave senators, and congressmen and women. We’re probably not going to be cheering so much for some of them because you’ll never take back our country with weakness. You have to show strength, and you have to be strong. We have come to demand that Congress do the right thing and only count the electors who have been lawfully slated, lawfully slated. I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard. Today we will see whether Republicans stand strong for integrity of our elections, but whether or not they stand strong for our country, our country. Our country has been under siege for a long time, far longer than this four-year period.&lt;br&gt;we’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, I love Pennsylvania Avenue, and we’re going to the Capitol and we’re going to try and give…&lt;br&gt;our Republicans, the weak ones, because the strong ones don’t need any of our help,&lt;br&gt;we’re going to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country.&lt;br&gt;So let’s walk down Pennsylvania Avenue.
**[https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speech-save-america-rally-transcript-january-6 Save America Rally Speech] on 6 January 2021

* Mike Pence didn’t have the courage to do what should have been done to protect our Country and our Constitution, giving States a chance to certify a corrected set of facts, not the fraudulent or inaccurate ones which they were asked to previously certify. USA demands the truth!
**[https://archive.is/jCmfK 11:24am tweet] on 6 January 2021

* So what?
** January 6, 2021, while watching television news coverage of the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] in the dining room off of the [[w:Oval Office|Oval Office]], upon being informed Vice President [[Mike Pence]] had been moved to a secure location ({{cite news |title=Judge Unseals New Evidence in Federal Election Case Against Trump |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |first1=Alan |last1=Feuer |first2=Charlie |last2=Savage |date=October 2, 2024 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/02/us/politics/trump-jan-6-case-jack-smith-evidence.html}} {{cite news |title=US prosecutors show new details of Trump's bid to overturn election loss |first=Andrew |last=Goudsward |date=October 2, 2024 |url=https://www.reuters.com/world/us/us-prosecutors-detail-evidence-trump-election-subversion-case-2024-10-02/ |agency=[[w:Reuters|Reuters]]}})

*I am asking for everyone at the U.S. Capitol to remain peaceful. No violence! Remember, WE are the Party of law and order – respect the law and our great men and women in blue. Thank you!
**[https://archive.is/IvpaU 12:13pm tweet] on 6 January 2021

*We love you. You are very special.
**In video in tweet (later deleted) aimed at protestors who entered into the United States Capitol.  Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-01-06 | author = Eliza Relman, Oma Seddiq,  Jake Lahut |  url=https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-video-statement-capitol-rioters-we-love-you-very-special-2021-1?r=US&amp;IR=T |title=Trump tells his violent supporters who stormed the Capitol 'you're very special,' but asks them 'to go home' |publisher=Business Insider}}   

*To all of my wonderful supporters, I know you are disappointed, but I also want you to know  that our incredible journey is just beginning
** video (2;28) from [https://archive.is/o4JN6 4:28pm tweet] posted by [[Ivanka Trump]] on 7 January 2020

*I would like to begin by addressing the heinous attack on the United States Capitol. Like all Americans, I am outraged by the violence, lawlessness, and mayhem. I immediately deployed the National Guard and Federal law enforcement to secure the building and expel the intruders. America is and must always be a nation of law and order. The demonstrators who infiltrated the Capitol have defiled the seat of American democracy. To those who engage in the acts of violence and destruction, you do not represent our country. And to those who broke the law, you will pay.&lt;br&gt;We have just been through an intense election, and emotions are high. But now tempers must be cooled and calm restored. We must get on with the business of America. My campaign vigorously pursued every legal avenue to contest the election results. My only goal was to ensure the integrity of the vote. In so doing, I was fighting to defend American democracy. I continue to strongly believe that we must reform our election laws to verify the identity and eligibility of all voters and to ensure faith and confidence in all future elections.
**post-January 6 speech [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/videotaped-remarks-the-attack-the-united-states-capitol-the-certification-the-electoral Videotaped Remarks on the Attack on the United States Capitol, the Certification of the Electoral College Results, and the Transition to a New Administration] on January 7

*To all of those who have asked, I will not be going to the Inauguration on January 20th.
**[https://archive.is/tzc2r 7:44am tweet] on 8 January 2021

* His ingenuity, genius, and creativity earned him immense wealth, but his character and philanthropic generosity his great name. Sheldon was also a staunch supporter of our great ally the State of [[Israel]]
** [[President Trump]] in [https://www.npr.org/2021/01/12/693679109/sheldon-adelson-conservative-donor-and-casino-titan-dies-at-87 Sheldon Adelson, Conservative Donor And Casino Titan, Dies At 87] January 12, 2021

* We will be back in some form
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-01-20 | author = Kevin Liptak |  url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/20/politics/donald-trump-leaves-white-house/index.html |title=Trump departs Washington a pariah as his era in power ends |publisher=CNN}}

====February 2021====
* The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] can never again be respected or strong with political “leaders” like Sen. [[Mitch McConnell]] at its helm. McConnell’s dedication to business as usual, status quo policies, together with his lack of political insight, wisdom, skill, and personality, has rapidly driven him from Majority Leader to Minority Leader, and it will only get worse. The Democrats and [[Chuck Schumer]] play McConnell like a fiddle—they’ve never had it so good—and they want to keep it that way! We know our America First agenda is a winner, not McConnell’s Beltway First agenda or Biden’s America Last.
* It was a complete election disaster in Georgia, and certain other swing states. McConnell did nothing, and will never do what needs to be done in order to secure a fair and just electoral system into the future. He doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and never will.
* Mitch is a dour, sullen, and unsmiling political hack, and if Republican Senators are going to stay with him, they will not win again. He will never do what needs to be done, or what is right for our Country.
** [https://www.politico.com/f/?id=00000177-ad2a-d713-a777-edee3b100000 Statement by Donald J. Trump, February 16, 2021]

====March 2021====
* Do you miss me yet? Do you miss me?
* Mr. McLaughlin just gave me numbers that nobody's ever heard of before, more popular than anybody. That's all of us. It's all of us.
* We won the election twice. I mean, you know, think about it ...
* But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, OK? For a third time.
* This election was rigged. And the Supreme Court and other courts didn't want to do anything about it.
* And the only people that should be allowed to vote by mail are people that can be proven to be either very sick or out of the country or military where they can't do it. One day.
* And then a Republican president will make a triumphant return to the White House. And I wonder who that will be. I wonder who that will be. Who, who, who will that be, I wonder?
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-01 | author = Chris Cillizza |  title = The 50 most ridiculous lines from Donald Trump's CPAC speech | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/01/politics/donald-trump-cpac-speech/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* Karl Rove has been losing for years, except for himself.
* He's a RINO of the highest order, who came to the Oval Office lobbying for 5G for him and a group.
* He's a pompous fool with bad advice and always has an agenda.
* If the Republican Party is going to be successful, they're going to have to stop dealing with the likes of Karl Rove and just let him float away, or retire, like Liddle' Bob Corker, Jeff 'Flakey' Flake, and others like Toomey of Pennsylvania, who will soon follow.
* 31 million people listened to my CPAC speech online, and it had among the largest television audience of the week, even though it was on cable at 4pm on Sunday afternoon.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-05 | author = Chris Cillizza |  title = The 17 most outlandish lines from Donald Trump's attack on Karl Rove
 | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/05/politics/donald-trump-karl-rove-2020-election/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* I will not be endorsing, under any circumstances, the failed candidate from the great State of Alaska, [[w:Lisa Murkowski|Lisa Murkowski]]. She represents her state badly and her country even worse. I do not know where other people will be next year, but I know where I will be — in Alaska campaigning against a disloyal and very bad Senator.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-06 | author = Alex Isenstadt |  title = Trump vows to campaign against 'disloyal' Murkowski
 | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/06/trump-lisa-murkowski-2022-474028 |publisher=Politico}}

* No more money for RINOS.  They do nothing but hurt the Republican Party and our great voting base--they will never lead us to Greatness. Send your donation to Save America PAC at DonaldJTrump.com. 
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-10 | author = Michael Warren, Fredreka Schouten, Eric Bradner |  title = Trump's clash with GOP over using his name in fundraising ignites midterm worries | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/10/politics/trump-republican-fundraising-midterms/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* I would recommend it, and I would recommend it to a lot of people that don't want to get it and a lot of those people voted for me, frankly. But again, we have our freedoms and we have to live by that and I agree with that also. But it is a great vaccine. It is a safe vaccine and it is something that works.
** On the COVID-19 vaccine. Quoted by {{citation|date=2021-3-16|author=Meredith McGraw|title=Trump encourages Americans to get the Covid vaccine|publisher=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/16/trump-americans-covid-vaccine-476479}}

* &lt;i&gt; About the {{w|2021 storming of the United States Capitol}}:&lt;/i&gt; It was zero threat, right from the start, it was zero threat. Look, they went in, they shouldn't have done it. Some of them went in, and they are hugging and kissing the police and the guards, you know, they had great relationships.  A lot of the people were waved in, and then they walked in and they walked out.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-26 | author = Veronica Stracqualursi |  title = Trump lies about Capitol riot by claiming his supporters were 'hugging and kissing' cops | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/26/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-arrests/index.html |publisher=CNN}}

* And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody’s ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim — he’s the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me.  We have to, and the tough is…in the most humanitarian way, because that’s what it is. What’s happening to the kids, they’re living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there’s never been anything like what’s, and you’re gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call ’em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it’s gonna be, it’s just uh, look, it’s a disaster. It’s a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it’s gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can’t afford it because you’re talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything.
** Wedding toast, quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Bess Levin |  title = Of course Donald Trump crashed a wedding a gave a rambling, incoherent speech about Biden, Iran and China | url=https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/03/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-wedding-speech |publisher=Vanity Fair}}

* Based on their interviews, I felt it was time to speak up about [[Anthony Fauci|Dr. Fauci]] and Dr. Birx, two self-promoters trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations, which I fortunately almost always overturned.  They had bad policy decisions that would have left our country open to China and others, closed to reopening our economy, and years away from an approved vaccine — putting millions of lives at risk
* Dr. Birx was a terrible medical advisor, which is why I seldom followed her advice.
* I only kept Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx on because they worked for the U.S. government for so long — they are like a bad habit!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Benjamin Din |  title = Trump lashes out at Fauci and Birx after CNN documentary
 | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/29/trump-fauci-birx-cnn-documentary-478422 |publisher=Politico}}
* Dr. Birx is a proven liar with very little credibility left.
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Brett Samuels |  title = Trump targets Fauci, Birx in lengthy diatribe
 | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/545472-trump-targets-fauci-birx-in-lengthy-diatribe |publisher=The Hill}}

====April 2021====
* Happy Easter to ALL, including the Radical Left CRAZIES who rigged our Presidential Election, and want to destroy our Country!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-04-05 | author = Martin Pengelly |  title = Who needs Twitter? Trump wishes happy Easter to 'radical left crazies'
 | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/apr/04/trump-wishes-happy-easter-to-radical-left-crazies |publisher=The Guardian}}

* I'll give you a little breaking news, [[w:Pfizer|Pfizer]] is in with the FDA. What the FDA did with [[w:Johnson &amp; Johnson|Johnson and Johnson]] is so stupid
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20210627112356/https://www.pharmamanufacturing.com/industrynews/2021/trump-blasts-fda-for-j-and-j-vax-pause-says-pfizer-in-with-the-agency/ TV interview with Sean Hannity]

* Getting out of Afghanistan is a wonderful and positive thing to do. I planned to withdraw on May 1st, and we should keep as close to that schedule as possible.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-biden-afghanistan-pullout-wonderful-and-positive-thing-to-do-2021-4?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Trump says Biden's plan to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan is a 'wonderful and positive thing to do'&quot;], Business Insider, 19 April 2021

====May 2021====
*If a thief robs a jewelry store of all of its diamonds (the 2020 Presidential Election), the diamonds must be returned. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-05.10.21-4 10 May 2021]

*The entire Database of [[Maricopa County]] in Arizona has been DELETED! This is illegal and the Arizona State Senate, who is leading the Forensic Audit, is up in arms. Additionally, seals were broken on the boxes that hold the votes, ballots are missing, and worse. Mark Brnovich, the Attorney General of Arizona, will now be forced to look into this unbelievable Election crime. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/desk/desk-4yeh37peju/ 15 May 2021]

====June 2021====
*Congratulations to the country of [[Nigeria]], who just banned [[Twitter]] because they banned [[Muhammadu Buhari|their President]]. More COUNTRIES should ban Twitter and Facebook for not allowing free and open speech — all voices should be heard. [[Mark Zuckerberg|Zuckerberg]] kept calling me and coming to the White House for dinner telling me how great I was. 
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-more-countries-should-ban-twitter-facebook-zuckerberg-2021-6]

*They may allow me back in two years. We got to stop that. We can’t let it happen. So unfair. They are shutting down an entire group of people. Not just me. They are shutting down the voice of a much more powerful and a much larger group.
** about Facebook banning him, in rally speech [https://deadline.com/2021/06/donald-trump-facebook-mark-zuckerberg-1234770087/]

====July 2021====
*The American people’s birthright of freedom must prevail against [[Big Tech]] and other forces that seek to destroy it.
**7 July 2021 [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/07/07/trump-big-tech-lawsuit-498536 Politico, Trump plans class action suit against Twitter, Facebook]
*The de facto [[censorship]] arm of the US government.
**7 July 2021 [https://www.rt.com/usa/528607-donald-trump-facebook-twitter/ Russia Today]
*Many say I am the greatest star-maker of all time. But some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage. 
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20210715183933/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-07.15.21-06 15 July 2021 on DonaldJTrump.com]

====August 2021====
*There is massive and unconditional evidence that the election was shattered with fraud and irregularities at a level that our Country has never seen before. Much of it is already public, and a great deal more is coming out in the very near future. Every time you read a statement that there is “no evidence of election fraud,” about the 2020 election scam, just attribute that statement to a crooked and collusive media (they work closely together with the Radical Left Democrats) that will do anything to hide the real facts of this election fiasco.  
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-qvb8wmvsyn0 1 August 2021]

*If I were President right now, with COVID raging back, people being shot and killed in record numbers all over our cities, and the Border totally open with criminals and heavily infected COVID people pouring through our Southern Border and into our communities, the Fake News Media would be having an absolute field day. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-kyatp4nd8q0 2 August 2021]

* If our soccer team, headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs, wasn’t woke, they would have won the Gold Medal instead of the Bronze.
* Woke means you lose, everything that is woke goes bad, and our soccer team certainly has.
* They should replace the wokesters with Patriots and start winning again. The woman with the purple hair played terribly and spends too much time thinking about Radical Left politics and not doing her job!
** Said about the US women's national soccer team after winning a bronze medal in the Olympic Games in Tokyo, as quoted in [https://amp.theguardian.com/football/2021/aug/05/donald-trump-uswnt-usa-soccer-olympics-bronze-megan-rapinoe-tokyo-2020 &quot;‘Woke means you lose’: Donald Trump rails at USWNT after Olympic bronze&quot;], The Guardian, 5 August 2021

* I have quietly said for years that Mitch McConnell is the most overrated man in politics— now I don't have to be quiet anymore.
** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calls-mitch-mcconnell-most-overrated-man-politics-ahead-infrastructure-vote-1617944 &quot;Trump Calls Mitch McConnell 'Most Overrated Man in Politics' Ahead of Infrastructure Vote&quot;], Newsweek, 10 August 2021

* I recommend: take the vaccines. I did it. It’s good. Take the vaccines.
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/22/trump-booed-at-alabama-rally-after-telling-supporters-to-get-vaccinated.html &quot;Trump booed at Alabama rally after telling supporters to get vaccinated&quot;], CNBC, 22 August 2021

====September 2021====
* If they let you do your job you wouldn’t have crime in New York!
* I’ve been given so much support by the people who do what you do.
* We love the blue. I’ll say it loud. You know, you’re not supposed to say that. We love the blue.
**[https://nypost.com/2021/09/11/trump-makes-surprise-visit-to-new-york-police-and-firefighters/ Trump makes surprise visit to New York police and firefighters on 9/11]

* We’re not going to have a country left in three years, I’ll tell you that.
** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-predicts-america-end-002940784.html &quot;Donald Trump Predicts America Will End Within 3 Years&quot;], quoted by David Moye, Yahoo News, 15 September 2021

* [[w:Anthony Gonzalez (politician)|1]] down, 9 to go!
** &quot;[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/sep/17/trump-celebrates-gonzalezs-exit-1-down-9-go/ Trump celebrates Gonzalez’s exit: ‘1 down, 9 to go!’]&quot; (September 17, 2021)

* Everybody will be watching [[Arizona]] tomorrow to see what the highly respected auditors and Arizona State Senate found out regarding the so-called Election!
** &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/09/24/arizona-review-draft-report-tally-biden-won-514088 GOP-led Arizona election review closely matches Biden's winning margin]&quot; (September 23)

* They want to go after me because I have, they think, a big mouth. I don't have a big mouth, you know what I have, I have a mouth that tells the truth.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-says-has-mouth-tells-truth-while-lying-georgia-rally-2021-9?r=US&amp;IR=T &quot;Trump says he has 'a mouth that tells the truth' while making false statements at Georgia rally&quot;], Insider, 26 September 2021
October 2021 
“I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit,” Trump said in the October 2021 deposition, according to a transcript of the proceedings.


====October 2021====
* Nobody has done more for [[Christianity]] or for [[evangelicals]] — or for [[religion]] itself — than I have.
** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-claims-nobody-has-done-more-religion-itself-him-1635036 &quot;Donald Trump Claims Nobody Has Done More 'for Religion Itself' Than Him&quot;], Newsweek, 2 October 2021

* the real insurrection happened on November 3rd, the Presidential Election, not on [[January 6th]]—which was a day of protesting the Fake Election results
** [https://www.npr.org/2021/10/06/1043746455/trump-continues-to-lie-says-real-insurrection-happened-when-he-lost-election Trump continues to lie, says 'real insurrection' happened when he lost election]&quot; (October 6, 2021)
* [[Republican]] [[Senators]], do not [[vote]] for this terrible deal ([[debt]] limit) being pushed by folding [[Mitch McConnell]]. Stand strong for our Country. 
* The [[American]] people are with you!
** In an emailed statement &quot;[https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/575876-trump-urged-gop-senators-to-vote-against-mcconnell-debt-deal Trump urges GOP senators to vote against McConnell debt deal]&quot; (October 7,2021)

*  If we don't solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented), Republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do.
** According to an MSNBC article and a short video &quot;[https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/democrats-finally-have-reason-celebrate-one-trump-s-threats-n1281494 Democrats finally have reason to celebrate one of Trump's threats]&quot; (October 13, 2021)

* It’s so sad when you see that they are approving these windmills — worst form of energy, the most expensive.  You talk about carbon emissions, well they are making them. More goes into the air than if you ran something for 30 years.
* I’m not into golden showers.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-touts-putin-relationship-rails-233840649.html &quot;Trump Touts Putin Relationship, Rails About Wind Energy's 'Carbon Emissions' In Speech&quot;], Yahoo News (October 16 2021)

* After years of litigation, I was pleased to have had the opportunity to tell my side of this ridiculous story — Just one more example of baseless harassment of your favorite president
** &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-faces-pile-civil-lawsuits-depositions-begin-n1281612 Trump faces a pile of civil lawsuits as depositions begin]&quot; (October 18, 2021)

* Wonderful to see [[Colin Powell]], who made big mistakes on Iraq and famously, so-called weapons of mass destruction, be treated in death so beautifully by the Fake News Media. Hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic RINO, if even that, always being the first to attack other Republicans. He made plenty of mistakes, but anyway, may he rest in peace!
** {{cite news|author=Chris Cillizza |url=https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/19/politics/donald-trump-colin-powell-death/index.html |title=Donald Trump (yet again) proves there's no bottom |work=cnn.com|date=October 19, 2021 |accessdate=October 19, 2021}}

*We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced
**&quot;[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/20/trump-announces-social-media-platform-launch-plan-spac-deal.html Trump announces social media platform launch plan, SPAC deal]&quot; (October 20, 2021)

*[[Israel]] doesn’t even control [[Congress]] anymore.
**29 October 2021 per https://thepostmillennial.com/exclusive-president-donald-j-trump-speaks-to-the-post-millennial

====November 2021====
*RINOs who supported infrastructure bill should be ashamed of themselves
**on Sky News Australia [[Youtube]] channel '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZG-D0e8T0A video]''' (November 7, 2021)

====December 2021==== 
*He was very early. Like earlier than most. I haven’t spoken to him since. Fuck him,
**10 December 2021 interview with Barak Ravid about [[Benjamin Netanyahu]] per [https://www.timesofisrael.com/fck-him-in-interview-trump-rages-at-netanyahu-over-congratulations-to-biden/ Times of Israel]
* I thought the [[Palestinians]] were impossible, and the [[Israelis]] would do anything to make peace and a deal. I found that not to be true.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Trump: I thought Israelis would do anything for peace, but found that not to be true], ''Times of Israel'' (11 December 2021)
*Bibi did not want to make a deal. Even most recently, when we came up with the maps. Now I don’t know if he didn’t want to make it for political reasons, or for other reasons. I wish he would have said he didn’t want to make a deal, instead of…. Because a lot of people devoted a lot of work. But I don’t think Bibi would have ever made a deal. That’s my opinion. I think the general [Gantz] wanted to make a deal.
**11 December 2021 quoted by [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Times of Israel]

*There’s people in this country that are Jewish that no longer love Israel.&lt;br&gt;I’ll tell you the Evangelical Christians love Israel more than the Jews in this country.&lt;br&gt;It used to be that Israel had absolute power over Congress and today I think it’s the exact opposite, and I think Obama and Biden did that.&lt;br&gt;And yet in the election, they still get a lot of votes from Jewish people…which tells you that the Jewish people, and I’ve said this for a long time.&lt;br&gt;The Jewish people in the United States either don’t like Israel or don’t care about Israel.&lt;br&gt;I mean, you look at The New York Times, The New York Times hates Israel, hates them, and they’re Jewish people that run The New York Times, I mean the Sulzberger family.
**17 December 2021 per [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/12/donald-trump-anti-semitism-jews-israel Vanity Fair]

*I think the origins are so obvious. They came out of the Wuhan lab. And I think if anybody thinks anything differently, they’re just kidding themselves. So, you can ask — China has to pay. They have to do something. '''They have to pay reparations'''. And China doesn’t have the money to pay those reparations. I believe that worldwide — I’m not just talking United States — worldwide, '''$60 trillion of damage''', $60 trillion. China doesn’t have $60 trillion. But they have to do something to make up for what they’ve done. What they’ve done to the world is so horrible. It’s been horrible, all over the world. And it doesn’t stop.
**[https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2021/12/19/trump-china-must-pay-for-covid-origins-they-have-to-pay-reparations/ 19 December 2021]

* &lt;i&gt; About developing vaccines against Covid-19: &lt;/i&gt;  Look, we did something that was historic, we saved tens of millions of lives worldwide. We, together, all of us, not me.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/20/politics/donald-trump-booster-shot-boos/index.html &quot;Trump met with boos after revealing he received Covid-19 booster&quot;], CNN, 21 December 2021

* I came up with a vaccine, with three vaccines.
** [https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/public-global-health/587079-trump-pushes-back-on-candace-owens-people-arent-dying &quot;Trump pushes back on Candace Owens: 'People aren't dying when they take the vaccine'&quot;], The Hill, 23 December 2021

===2022===
====January 2022====
* If you take [[COVID-19 vaccine|the vaccine]], you're protected. Look, the results of the vaccine are very good, and if you do get it, it's a very minor form. People aren't dying when they take the vaccine.
** 6 January 2022, interviewed by [[Candace Owens]], discussing the [[COVID-19 vaccine]]; reported in Bruce Y. Lee, &quot;[https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2021/12/24/trump-tells-candace-owens-that-covid-19-vaccines-work-one-of-the-greatest-achievements-of-mankind/ Trump Tells Candace Owens That Covid-19 Vaccines Work: 'One Of The Greatest Achievements Of Mankind']&quot;, [[Forbes]] (Jan 6, 2022)

*I ran twice and we won twice.&lt;br&gt;This crowd is a massive symbol of what took place, because people are hungry for the truth. They want their country back.
**15 January 2022 [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2022/01/trump-arizona-rally-2024-election/621244/ via Elaine Godfrey of The Atlantic]

*If I run and if I win, we will treat those people from January sixth fairly. We will treat them fairly.&lt;br&gt;And if it requires pardons, we will give them pardons. Because they are being treated so unfairly.
**30 January 2022 [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2022/01/hope-go-jail-get-book-thrown-deserve-lindsey-graham-susan-collins-buck-trump-vow-persecute-jan-6ers/ reported by TGP]

*Actually, what they are saying, is that Mike Pence did have the right to change the outcome, and they now want to take that right away. Unfortunately, he didn’t exercise that power. '''He could have overturned the election!'''
**31 January 2022, at a rally in Conroe Texas, as quoted in “[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/jan/31/donald-trump-mike-pence-overturn-election Quiet part loud: Trump says Pence ‘could have overturned the election’]”, by Martin Pengelly, for ''{{w|The Guardian}}''.

====February 2022====
*I was right and everyone knows it. If there is fraud or large scale irregularities, it would have been appropriate to send those votes back to the legislatures to figure it out.
**4 February 2022 per 7 February 2022 report by Reuters [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/pence-says-trump-was-wrong-that-he-could-have-overturned-2020-election-result-2022-02-04/ Pence says Trump was wrong that he could have overturned 2020 election] by Alexandra Ulmer

* I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, 'This is genius.' [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] declares a big portion of the Ukraine, of [[Ukraine]], Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that's wonderful.  So Putin is now saying, 'It's independent,' a large section of Ukraine. I said, 'How smart is that?' And he's going to go in and be a peacekeeper. That's the strongest peace force.  We could use that on our southern border. That's the strongest peace force I've ever seen. ... Here's a guy who's very savvy. ... I know him very well. Very, very well.
** Said about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, in an interview at The Clay Travis &amp; Buck Sexton Show, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/23/politics/donald-trump-vladimir-putin-joe-biden/index.html &quot;Trump sides with Putin as Biden tries to stop a war&quot;], CNN, 23 February 2022.

* They say, 'Trump said Putin's smart.' I mean, he's taking over a country for two dollars' worth of [[Sanction|sanctions]]. I'd say that's pretty smart. He's taking over a country — really a vast, vast location, a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/24/politics/donald-trump-praises-putin/index.html &quot;Why Donald Trump can't stop praising Vladimir Putin&quot;], CNN, 24 February 2022

====March 2022====
*They laid down the welcome mat and gave Russia the opening, now Putin may be getting everything he wanted, with Ukraine and the rest of the World suffering the consequences. It’s terrible, but this is what you get with Biden, the Democrats, and RINO warmongers! [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-cxhdzqwssb1663 03/01/22 ]
* The vote counter is often more important than the candidate.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-says-gop-needs-tougher-211714688.html &quot;Trump says the GOP needs to get 'tougher' at the ballot box: 'The vote counter is often more important than the candidate'&quot;], yahoo news, 6 March 2022
*Whatever happened to free speech in our Country? Incredibly, but not surprisingly, the Big Tech lunatics have taken down my interview with the very popular NELK Boys so that nobody can watch it or in any way listen to it....In Russia, the people are not allowed to know that they’re fighting a war with Ukraine, that’s where our media is going, and that’s where our Country is going because it quickly follows—just study history.We need freedom of speech again, we don’t have it and it’s getting worse every day!
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-tayryvrzzk1694 Statement by Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America 03/11/22]
*She owes me nearly $300,000, Now all I have to do is wait for all of the money she owes me.
**[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2022/mar/21/donald-trump-crows-liberal-9th-circuit-court-seals/ Trump crows as liberal 9th Circuit seals victory over Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti]
*I listen to him constantly using the n-word, that’s the n-word, and he’s constantly using it, the nuclear word. They didn’t attack any other countries under us. I’m the only one where that didn’t happen. And with Bush, they took Georgia, and they took Crimea with Biden and Obama. And now he said ‘to hell with it. Let’s take the whole thing'.
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-nuclear-n-word-b2040702.html Trump says Putin keeps using the ‘n-word’ meaning ‘nuclear’ as he claims Russian leader is ‘different’ man to one he dealt with]
*Single most dangerous time for our country in history... yet you have people like John Kerry worrying about the climate! The climate! Oh, I heard that the other day. Here we are, [Russian President Vladimir Putin is] threatening us [and] he’s worried about the ocean will rise one-hundredth of one percent over the next 300 fucking’ years.
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/28/two-stark-reminders-about-political-challenge-tackling-climate-change/ Two stark reminders about the political challenge of tackling climate change]
*The Left has become so extreme that we now have a justice being nominated to the Supreme Court who testified under oath that she could not say what a woman is, And a party that's unwilling to admit that men and women are biologically different in defiance of all scientific and human history, is a party that should not be anywhere near the levers of power in the United States of America.
**[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/watch-single-most-dangerous-time-trump-blasts-climate-change-crt-and-kbj ‘Single most dangerous time’: Trump blasts climate change, CRT, and KBJ]
====April 2022====
*Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are trying everything to destroy our country May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy and well!
**[https://news.yahoo.com/biden-trump-release-very-different-202600019.html Yahoo!]
*He went out of his way to deceptively edit an interview and got caught. That is a big story, isn’t it?
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-hm9chvnk6z0 Donald Trump], [https://www.mediaite.com/tv/listen-trump-releases-audio-to-ending-of-doctored-interview-with-fool-piers-morgan/ mediaite]

* I think I’m the most honest human being perhaps that god ever created.
** Claimed at an an event in Selma, North Carolina, on April 10, 2022, referred to in [https://www.thelist.com/829709/donald-trump-just-described-himself-in-a-very-unexpected-way/ &quot;Donald Trump Just Described Himself In A Very Unexpected Way&quot;], ''The List'' (April 12, 2022)

* But when I didn’t win the election ..
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene &amp; Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy &amp; Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) (video)

* Which would you rather be, a dumb person or a dictator?  Perhaps a dictator would be better.  I don't want to be a dumb person.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-rather-be-a-dictator-than-a-dumb-person-video-2022-4?r=US&amp;IR=T Trump says he'd rather be 'a dictator' than 'a dumb person' after bragging about the cognitive test he took in 2018], Business Insider, 22 April 2022
April 2022
Dictor: Okay. And you said that, ‘If you see someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them would you.’ That was your statement?

Trump: Oh, yeah. It was very dangerous.

Dictor: What was very dangerous?

Trump: We were threatened.

Dictor: With what?

Trump: They were going to throw fruit. We were threatened. We had a threat.

Dictor: How did you become aware that there was a threat that people were going to throw fruit?

Trump: We were told. I thought Secret Service was involved in that, actually. And you get hit with fruit, it’s – no – it’s very violent stuff. We were on alert for that.Trump attorney Jeffrey Goldman: A tomato is a fruit after all, I guess. … It has seeds.

Trump: It’s worse than a tomato, it’s other things also. But tomato, when they start doing that stuff, it’s very dangerous. There was an alert out that day.

Dictor: Who were you speaking to when you said …

Trump: The audience.

Dictor: So you were speaking to the audience when you said if they saw someone getting ready to throw a tomato, just knock the crap out of them, would you?

Trump: That was to the audience. It was said sort of in jest. Buy maybe, you know, a little truth to it. It’s very dangerous stuff. You can get killed with those things. … I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit. And some fruit is a lot worse than – tomatoes are bad by the way. But it’s very dangerous … they were going to hit – they were going to hit very hard.

“So I got a little notice, in case you’re seeing these security guys — we have wonderful security guys,” Trump said at the Iowa rally. “They said, ‘Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience.’ So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay?”

====May 2022====
*With rampant and record setting crime, a 42.8% increase over last year was just announced, and every other unimaginable problem, no wonder everyone is leaving the New York State, including businesses left and right. 
**[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-sarvcupgsh1991 Save America] 

* I am not currently in possession of any Trump Organization-issued phones, computers or similar devices.
:I believe the last phone or device I was issued by the Trump Organization was a cellphone in 2015. I no longer have the cellphone in my possession and I am not aware of its current location.
:Since January 1, 2010, I previously owned two flip phones and a [[w:Samsung|Samsung]] mobile phone. I do not have the two flips [sic] phones in my possession and I do not know their current whereabouts.”
:[Samsung] it was taken from me at some point while I was president. I do not have the Samsung in my possession and I do not know its current whereabouts.
:* '''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/11/trump-fine-contempt-new-york-letitia-james Trump must pay $110,000 fine to purge contempt, judge says]''' (Wed 11 May 2022 18.53 BST)

*[[w:Kathy Barnette | Kathy Barnette]] will never be able to win the general election against the radical left democrats. She has many things in her past which have not been properly explained or vetted, but if she is able to do so, she will have a wonderful future in the Republican Party — and I will be behind her all the way
** [[Trump]]  according to [https://www.smerconish.com/exclusive-content/pennsylvania-my-primary-concern Pennsylvania: My Primary Concern] (May 14)

=====NRA convention speech (May 27, 2022)=====
* The existence of evil in our world is not a reason to disarm law-abiding citizens. The existence of evil is one of the very best reasons to arm law-abiding citizens.
* Every time a disturbed or demented person commits a hideous crime there is always a grotesque effort by some in our society to advance their own extreme political agenda.
** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/28/school-shooting-strengthens-case-for-guns-donald-trump-tells-nra &quot;School shooting strengthens case for guns, Donald Trump tells NRA&quot;] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2022)

* We need a top-to-bottom security overhaul of schools [...] Every building should have a single entry point. No one should ever be able to get near a classroom until they have been checked, scanned and screened ... Above all, from this day forward, every school in America should have an armed police officer or an armed resources officer on duty at all times. [...] Clearly, we need to make it far easier to confine the violent and mentally deranged into mental institutions.
** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/after-horror-failure-of-uvalde-massacre-business-as-usual-at-nra-meeting-in-houston-20220528-p5ap7y.html &quot;After horror, failure of Uvalde massacre, business as usual at NRA meeting in Houston&quot;] ''The Sydney Morning Herald'' (May 28, 2022)

==== July 2022 ====
* Warmongering and despicable human being [[Liz Cheney]], who is hated by the great people of Wyoming (down 35!), keeps saying, over and over again, that HER Fake Unselect Committee may recommend CRIMINAL CHARGES against a President of the United States who got more votes than any sitting President in history,
** Said about Republican Congress Member Liz Cheney after she mentioned the possibility of raising criminal charges against Trump for his role in connection with the January 6 attack on the Congress of the United States, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2022/07/04/trump-rips-liz-cheney-after-she-suggests-jan-6-charges/ &quot;Trump rips ‘despicable’ Liz Cheney after she suggests Jan. 6 charges for ex-president&quot;], New York Post, 4 July 2022

* Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it.
** Claimed about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]].  Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ &quot;Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally&quot;], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022)
 
* I feel very confident that, if I decide to run, I’ll win.
* In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision, so nothing factors in anymore. In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision.
* I made America great again, and I may have to do it again.
** [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/donald-trump-2024-decision.html &quot;Donald Trump on 2024: ‘I’ve Already Made That Decision’ The only question left in the former president’s mind is when he’ll announce&quot;], Intelligencer, 14 July 2022

==== September 2022 ====
* J.D. is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad.
** Said about [[w:J. D. Vance|James David Vance]], Republican Senate candidate for Ohio, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html &quot;Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun&quot;], CNN, 20 September 2022

* If you're the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it, because you're sending it to Mar-a-Lago or to wherever you're sending it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but it doesn't have to be.
** [https://www.baynews9.com/fl/tampa/politics/2022/09/22/trump--presidents-can-declassify-files-by--thinking-about-it- &quot;Trump: Presidents can declassify files by 'thinking about it'&quot;], Bay News 9, 22 September 2022

==== October 2022 ====
* They actually taunted him, if you really look at it. Our country, and our so-called leadership, taunted Putin. I said, you know, they're almost forcing him to go in with what they're saying. The rhetoric was so dumb.
** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-blames-us-almost-forcing-putin-invade-ukraine-1750145/ Trump Blames U.S. for 'Almost Forcing' Putin to Invade Ukraine], Newsweek, 8 October 2022

==== November 2022 ====
* We're winning big, big, big in the [[Republican Party]] for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before
:There it is, Trump at 71 [percent]. [[Ron DeSanctimonious]] at 10 percent. [[Mike Pence]] at 7 — oh, Mike Pence doing better than I thought​.
:* [https://nypost.com/2022/11/06/trump-mocks-desantis-as-ron-desanctimonious/ Pompeo jumps to defend DeSantis after Trump's 'Ron DeSanctimonious' comments] (By Mark Moore November 6, 2022 1:41pm  Updated)

*The Absentee Ballot situation in Detroit is REALLY BAD.&lt;br&gt;People are showing up to Vote only to be told 'sorry, you have already voted.'&lt;br&gt;This is happening in large numbers, elsewhere as well.&lt;br&gt;Protest, Protest, Protest!
**8 November 2022 [https://truthsocial.com/embed/109309832870332871 post on TruthSocia] later [https://twitter.com/JocelynBenson/status/1590079320302968832 quoted via screenshot in tweet] by [[Jocelyn Benson]] which was [https://www.yahoo.com/now/trump-amplifies-nonsense-claims-voter-212425641.html quoted by Yahoo News]

* Well, I think if they win, I should get all the credit. And if they lose, I should not be blamed at all, OK, but it’ll probably be just the opposite.
:* [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/09/us/politics/trump-endorsements-midterms-gop.html Trump Hoped for a Celebration but Did Not Have Much to Cheer] (By By Michael C. Bender and Maggie Haberman November 9, 2022, 2:33 a.m. ET)

* [[Ron DeSantis|Ron DeSanctimonious]] is playing games! The Fake News asks him if he's going to run if President Trump runs, and he says, 'I'm only focused on the Governor's race, I'm not looking into the future.' Well, in terms of loyalty and class, that's really not the right answer.
** Adam Carlson, Jay O'Brien, and Katherine Faulders, [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-takes-aim-ron-desantis-suggesting-2024-rival/story?id=93084111 Trump takes aim at Ron DeSantis, suggesting he's a 2024 rival], ''ABC News'' (November 10, 2022).

*He shows up with 3 people, two of which I didn’t know, the other a political person who I haven’t seen in years,” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Fake News went CRAZY!”
**29 November 2022 on Truth Social (per [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-kanye-west-nick-fuentes-mar-a-lago-dinner-1234638552/ this article] by Charisma Madarang of Rolling Stone) after [[Kanye West]] showed up for dinner with Boeing employee Jamal and [[Nick Fuentes]] (the two unknowns) and [[Karen Giorno]] (an aide from Trump's 2016 campaign) in a meeting arranged by [[Milo Yiannopoulos]] (who did not attend) via Karen

====December 2022====
* People have been treated unconstitutionally in my opinion and very, very unfairly, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.
** Comments made concerning rioters involved in the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] during a fund raising speech cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/02/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-support/index.html &quot;Trump expresses support for Capitol rioters as he continues to embrace extremist groups&quot;] ''CNN Politics'' (December 2, 2022)

* Do you throw the Presidential Election Results of 2020 OUT and declare the RIGHTFUL WINNER, or do you have a NEW ELECTION? A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution.
** cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/03/politics/trump-constitution-truth-social/index.html &quot;Trump calls for the termination of the Constitution in Truth Social post&quot;] ''CNN Politics'' (December 4, 2022)

* Merry Christmas to EVERYONE, including the Radical Left Marxists that are trying to destroy our Country, the Federal Bureau of Investigation that is illegally coercing &amp; paying Social and LameStream Media to push for a mentally disabled Democrat over the Brilliant, Clairvoyant, and USA LOVING Donald J. Trump, and, of course, the Department of Injustice, which appointed a Special &quot;Prosecutor&quot;, who, together with his wife and family, HATES &quot;Trump&quot; more than any other person on Earth.  
* I had almost nothing to do with January 6th.
** [https://news.yahoo.com/donald-trumps-merry-christmas-message-132006918.html &quot;Donald Trump's 'Merry Christmas' Message Is A Grievance-Filled Lump Of Coal&quot;], Yahoo News, 25 December 2022

===2023===
====January 2023====
*So an out-of-control wild man kills beautiful Ashli Babbitt, a true Patriot, who was the only one killed on January 6th.&lt;br&gt;Her mother goes to protest her death and memory, and they arrest her mother.&lt;br&gt;Something has to be done about these [[Communism|Communists]] and [[Marxism|Marxists]] that are taking over and destroying our Country.&lt;br&gt;Pray for Ashli, and her wonderful, brave mother!
**8 January 2023 [https://gab.com/realdonaldtrump/posts/109655572118634418 gab]

*The [[left-wing]] [[gender]] [[insanity]] being pushed on our children is an act of child abuse—very simple.
**31 January 2023 [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-attacks-transgender-rights-video-1234671967/  per Rolling Stone]

====February 2023====
* Rihanna gave, without question, the single worst Halftime Show in Super Bowl history—This after insulting far more than half of our Nation, which is already in serious DECLINE, with her foul and insulting language. Also, so much for her ‘Stylist!’
** [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social &quot;Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'&quot;], Vanity Fair, 13 February 2023

====March 2023====
=====CPAC keynote speech (March 4, 2023)=====
&lt;small&gt;CPAC keynote address in National Harbor, Maryland, on March 4, 2023, reported in {{cite web|url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-key-moments-donald-trump-cpac-speech-1785586 |title=Five Key Moments from Donald Trump's Crucial CPAC Speech|first1=Khaleda|last1=Rahman|publisher=Newsweek|date=March 5, 2023}}&lt;/small&gt;

* I'm the only candidate who can make this promise: I will prevent, and very easily, World War III.

* We are never going back to a party that wants to give unlimited money to fight foreign endless wars but demands we cut veteran benefits and retirement benefits at home.

* We’re not going back to people that want to destroy our great Social Security system – even some in our own party; I wonder who that might be – who want to raise the minimum age of Social Security to 70, 75 or even 80 in some cases, and who are out to cut Medicare to a level that will be unrecognizable

* In 2016, I declared: I am your voice. Today, I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution.

* I will totally obliterate the deep state. I will fire the unelected bureaucrats and shadow forces who have weaponized our justice system like it has never been weaponized before. And I will put the people back in charge of this country again.

*This is the final battle – they know it, I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Either they win, or we win. And I promise you this: If you put me back in the White House, their reign will be over, and America will be a free nation once again.

*'''Before I even arrive''' at the Oval Office, I will have the disastrous war between Russia and Ukraine settled.&lt;br&gt;I will get the problem solved.&lt;br&gt;And I will get it solved in rapid order and ''''it will take me no longer than one day''', I know exactly what to say to each of them, I got along very well with Putin.
**the [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/04/politics/trump-cpac-speech/index.html March 4th] speech was referenced when this was quoted [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/07/politics/trump-desantis-ukraine-2024-campaign/index.html March 7th] by Stephen Collinson in a CNN analysis
***Trump later reuses the phrase &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; in [[#June 2024]] in Philadelphia

====April 2023====
*Republicans in Congress should defund the DOJ and FBI until they come to their senses. The Democrats have totally weaponized law enforcement in our country and are viciously using this abuse of power to interfere with our already under siege elections!
**[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/donald-trump-calls-defunding-federal-police-arrest-new-york-rcna78301 Donald Trump calls for defunding federal police after his arrest in New York] ''Truth Social'' (April 5, 2023)

=====NRA convention speech (April 14, 2023)=====
* Our country has been chock full of guns for centuries, and there was no talk of [[w:School shooting|massacres of schoolchildren]] until around the year 2000. That's what it really started. They started talking about it. '''This is not a gun problem.''' This is a mental health problem. This is a social problem. This is a cultural problem. This is a spiritual problem.
* I will ask Congress to repeal totally ineffective legislation that makes it harder to protect our schools and easier for criminals to face absolutely no opposition when they go in. I will also create a new tax credit to reimburse any teacher for the full costs of a concealed carry firearm and training from highly qualified experts. Who's better? Who's better? '''If even 5% of teachers, people that are skilled with arms, we want that. 5% were voluntarily armed and trained to stop active shooters. We would achieve effective deterrence and the problem would cease to exist.'''
** From a [[National Rifle Association|NRA]] convention speech in Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=97388003ab4443938dba616244ea0117 &quot;Trump calls for arming teachers at NRA convention&quot;] ''AP Newsroom'' (April 15, 2023)

* [T]he only way to stop these wicked actions is to '''ensure that any sicko who would shoot up a school knows that within seconds, not minutes, they will face certain death.'''
** Speech at the NRA convention, Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/04/14/trump-pence-nra-2024/ &quot;Trump, in legal peril, draws cheers at NRA convention; Pence draws boos&quot;] ''The Washington Post'' (April 14, 2023)

====May 2023====
*They’re dying, Russians and Ukrainians. '''I want them to stop dying.''' And I’ll have that done — '''I’ll have that done in 24 hours'''
**May 2023 at a CNN Town Hall, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-russia-ukraine-war-un-election-a78ecb843af452b8dda1d52d137ca893 2 July 2024 article by Edith M. Lederer for AP News]

==== June 2023 ====
[[File:&quot;TOP SECRET SCI&quot; (Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information) cover sheets - from, Classified intelligence material found during search of Mar-a-Lago (cropped).jpg|thumb|I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!]]

* I have been [[Federal prosecution of Donald Trump|summoned to appear at the Federal Courthouse]] in [[Miami]] on Tuesday, at 3 PM. I never thought it [[possible]] that such a thing could happen to a former [[President of the United States]], who received far more [[votes]] than any sitting President in the History of our Country, and is currently leading, by far, all Candidates, both [[Democrat]] and [[Republican]], in Polls of the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 Presidential Election]]. I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!
** Web posting, reported in [https://www.local10.com/news/local/2023/06/08/trump-told-to-appear-in-miami-after-indictment-by-federal-grand-jury-abc-reporting/ &quot;Trump told to appear in Miami after indictment by federal grand jury, ABC reporting&quot; in ''WPLG Local 10'' (8 June 2023)]

*'''This is the final battle'''. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. expel the warmongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the Communists, Marxists, and Fascists, and we will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. We will rout the fake news media, and we will defeat crooked Joe Biden. We will liberate America from these villains once and for all. 
**[https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/06/trump-lists-all-the-villains-he-plans-to-destroy-in-a-second-term Trump told the audience at the Oakland County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner]

*For three years, Biden and his radical left allies have waged war on American auto workers in his ridiculous crusade to force everyone into electric cars, ridiculous regulations kill more than half of US auto jobs and decimate the suppliers that they decimated already, decimate the suppliers and it’s going to decimate your jobs.
**[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/26/donald-trump-accuses-joe-biden-environmental-extremism/ Telegraph] , [https://www.candgnews.com/news/trump-headlines-oakland-county-republican-party-lincoln-day-dinner-2796 Trump headlines Oakland County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner]

====July 2023====
*“Is it Crooked Joe and his wonderful son, Hunter? Release the findings, release the tapes. We can’t have a crackhead in charge of our Nuclear Arsenal!!
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-hunter-biden-cocaine-justice-department-b2373556.html]
*… He’s totally compromised...I don’t like doing the same word for two people. We’re using the word crooked for Joe Biden because Joe Biden is the most crooked president in the history.
**[https://www.republicworld.com/world-news/us-news/trump-says-he-was-very-kind-to-biden-then-tells-us-president-gloves-are-off-articleshow.html republicworld]
*We have potential for a war outside of Ukraine - Russia. We should have kept Bagram because Bagram is one of the largest military bases in the world cost us billions of dollars to build forget about Afghanistan, it's one hour away from where China is building their nuclear weapons.
**[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg]
*If China takes Taiwan they will turn the world off potentially.
**[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg]
*Millions of illegal aliens have stormed across our borders. It is an invasion, like a military invasion. Our rights and liberties are being torn to shreds,Your country is being turned into a third-world hellhole, run by censors, perverts, criminals, and thugs.”
**[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/trump-u-s-is-being-turned-into-a-third-world-hellhole-run-by-perverts-and-thugs criminals and perverts]

*America is tired of being ruled by radical bureaucrats in Washington the Bidens, the Clintons, the Obamas, the Radical Left Democrats, the Marxists – guys like Paul Ryan and Karl Rove. Their reign will be over, and it will be over quickly, and America will be a free nation once again.
**speech [https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-says-hes-the-only-candidate-that-cant-be-owned-or-controlled/]
* Think of this. We give them everything, including military protection and trade, and now we have to pay them to go there. As President I will not allow this, will end very quickly.
**“U.S. CITIZENS WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A VISA TO TRAVEL TO EUROPE STARTING IN 2024.” [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110776705512999901]
*Gloves are off.Under crooked Joe Biden. I never called him that. I took the name away from Hillary Clinton. We call her beautiful Hillary now.Now it's crooked Joe, because it's a much more appropriate name right now for this man who's just destroying our country.
**rally [https://www.newsmax.com/newsmax-tv/donald-trump-july-4-south-carolina/2023/07/01/id/1125653/]
*As part of my plan to obtain total independence from China, we will phase in tariffs and import restrictions to bring back production of all essential medicines to the United States of America where they belong. I signed an executive order to begin this process in 2020 but Biden has shamefully failed to follow through. He wants it ended. He wants to take care of China.
*[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-promises-to-return-production-of-cancer-drugs-essential-medicines-to-u-s/]

*They don’t go after the people who cheated in the election, they only go after the people who report on, or question the cheating if you don't have strong borders you don't have a country, right now we don't have a country.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781850689911246]

*Trumpism or America first is very simple low taxes and regulations , the most powerful military , tariffs on countries taking advantage, protection of section amendment , great healthcare , low energy prices, parental power on school boards, life , strong borders.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781828901024566]

*I expect nothing from the meeting with my lawyers and the lunatics in the DOJ regarding January 6th. They just want to interfere with the Presidential Election on 2024. It is their new form of cheating, but we will win !!! How can deranged Jack Smith bring a case on January 6th., as ridiculous as it is anyway, when I have already won such a case, and been fully acquitted, in the U.S. Senate? In other words, I was Impeached on this, and won!!! 
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793264554684917] [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793284091097891]

====August 2023====
*These monsters, all controlled and coordinated by the DOJ and Radical Left Lunatics, are Criminalizing Political Speech, a total SHUTDOWN OF DEMOCRACY!
**Truth Social Post 6:28 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895990420845351]

*CROOKED JOE BIDEN IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY CHINA, UKRAINE, &amp; VARIOUS OTHER COUNTRIES. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM - ALL OF HIS MISDEEDS. HE IS A COMPROMISED PRESIDENT WHO IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL. HE IS A MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE!
**Truth Social Post 6:20 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895877441671196]

*I believe we have a compromised president. He was bribed, and now he’s being blackmailed. He’s a Manchurian Candidate. That’s why Crooked Joe is letting other countries walk all over the United States.
**Truth Social Post on August 15, 2023.[https://links.truthsocial.com/link/110895072887935769]

*IMPOSSIBLE to get a fair trial in Washington, D.C., which is over 95% anti-Trump, &amp; for which I have called for a Federal TAKEOVER in order to bring our Capital back to Greatness. It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation and, indeed, the World
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110823476578708544
*I AM NOW GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO BE ARRESTED FOR HAVING CHALLENGED A CORRUPT, RIGGED, &amp; STOLEN ELECTION. IT IS A GREAT HONOR, BECAUSE I AM BEING ARRESTED FOR YOU. Biden and his family steal Millions and Millions of Dollars, including BRIBES from foreign countries, and I’m headed to D.C. to be ARRESTED for protesting a CROOKED ELECTION. UNFAIR VENUE, UNFAIR JUDGE. We are a Nation in Decline.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826519469646840 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826840688757163
*CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I HAD TO FLY TO A FILTHY, DIRTY, FALLING APART, &amp; VERY UNSAFE WASHINGTON, D.C., TODAY, &amp; THAT I WAS THEN ARRESTED BY MY POLITICAL OPPONENT, WHO IS LOSING BADLY TO ME IN THE POLLS, CROOKED JOE BIDEN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD DAY!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110828062805817649
*A very sad day for America, and it was also very sad driving through Washington, D.C., and seeing the filth and decay and all of the broken buildings and walls and the graffiti. This is not the place that I left. It’s a very sad thing to see it.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-tells-reporters-if-you-cant-beat-him-you-persecute-him-or-you-prosecute-him/
*They’re trying to make it illegal to question the results of a bad election…But only a party that cheats in elections would try to make it illegal, on Election Day 2024, we’re going to evict Crooked Joe Biden from the White House…We’re going to expel the criminals and thugs from the halls of power in Washington, D.C. 
**[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-draws-biggest-crowd-ever-to-alabama-gop-dinner/ Alabama]

*We are NOT a free nation, We don’t have a free press. We have a corrupt press.
*[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-the-tables-must-turn-and-we-will-quickly-destroy-the-deep-state/ Alabama]
*OUR HIGHLY PARTISAN, AND VERY CORRUPT,  DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE, COULD HAVE BROUGHT THIS BIDIN “OPPONENT” CASE YEARS AGO, BUT CHOSE TO WAIT AND BRING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ELECTION CAMPAIGN. NO WAY!!! I HOPE YOU ARE WATCHING AMERICA. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110842856814664717 
*This will be the single biggest and most important election in the history of our country - maybe in the history of the WORLD.
**https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110840001623943794 

*The “shocking and totally unexpected” loss by the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to the our once great Nation under Crooked Joe Biden. Many of our players were openly hostile to America - No other country behaved in such a manner, or even close. WOKE EQUALS FAILURE. Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!!
*https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110845290114601452

*WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE IS DOING TO ME IS THE SAME THING DONE BY THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT IT WILL NOT WORK.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-explains-why-he-should-not-have-a-protective-order-placed-on-him-by-deranged-jack-smith/ 

*Let’s see! My political Opponent, Crooked Joe Biden, tells Merrick Garland and the DOJ to indict and arrest me on bogus charges and accusations, trying desperately to steal the Election. But that wasn’t enough! He now wants Thug Prosecutor, Deranged Jack Smith, to file for a Court Order taking away my first amendment rights, SPEECH. So, based on yet another Radical Left Hoax, I’ll be the only “Politician” in American history not allowed to SPEAK. THE NEVER ENDING WITCH HUNT CONTINUES.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110852063479466833

*They just found a letter from Crooked Joe Biden directly to Keven Archer. Oh well, so much for “Joe” not knowing anything about all of the money he extorted. At some point the LameStream Media will have to cover this story, perhaps the biggest scandal in U.S. history. When they do, our Country will start to heal!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110850107581995665

*HOW CAN MY CORRUPT POLITICAL OPPONENT PUT ME ON TRIAL(S) DURING A CAMPAIGN THAT I AM WINNING (BY A LOT!), BUT FORCING ME TO SPEND TIME AND MONEY AWAY FROM THE “CAMPAIGN TRAIL” IN ORDER TO FIGHT BOGUS ACCUSATIONS &amp; CHARGES? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE FUTURE OF ELECTIONS IN AMERICA? CAN A PRESIDENT ORDER HIS DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO INDICT AN OPPONENT JUST PRIOR TO AN ELECTION? 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110849582956879248

*Just found out that Crooked Joe Biden’s DOJ secretly attacked my Twitter account, making it a point not to let me know about this major “hit” on my civil rights. My Political Opponent is going CRAZY trying to infringe on my Campaign for President. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Does the First Amendment still exist? Did Deranged Jack Smith tell the Unselects to DESTROY &amp; DELETE all evidence? 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110860965885418709

*It’s not like the State or Country is coming down on me. It’s a dishonest politician and his gang of Thugs breaking the law in order to get re-elected. 
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110859441854770499

*So now that I have full Subpoena Power because of the Freedom of Speech Sham Indictment by Crooked Joe Biden,  Deranged Jack Smith, and the DOJ, it has just been reported that the Unselect January 6th Committee of Political Hacks and Thugs has illegally destroyed their Records and Documents. This is unthinkable, and the Fake Political Indictment against me must be immediately withdrawn. The system is Rigged &amp; Corrupt, very much like the Presidential Election of 2020. We are a Nation in Decline.
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110857162338915853
*Thousands of veterans were put on secret medial wait lists and many of them were left to die, All of that changed when WE arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
**https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-lays-out-exemplary-agenda-that-will-restore-hope-and-care-to-americas-veterans/ 

*Whenever more Biden corruption is exposed his henchmen charge me with a crime.
**https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110855681234356104 
*I think that Crooked Joe Biden is not only dumb and incompetent, I believe he has gone MAD, a stark raving Lunatic, with his HORRIBLE AND COUNTRY THREATENING ENVIRONMENTAL, OPEN BORDERS, &amp; DOJ/FBI WEAPONIZATION POLICIES. HE IS A MENTAL CATASTROPHE THAT IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL!What Crooked Joe Biden, who can’t string two sentences together, has done to our once great Country through his Open Borders CATASTROPHE, may go down as the greatest and most damaging mistake ever made in USA HISTORY. It is not even believable that such incompetence and stupidity could have been allowed to happen. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED BY A MAN WITH THE MIND, IDEAS, AND I.Q. OF A FIRST GRADER. THIS INVASION OF OUR COUNTRY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865224814637476 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865185229848140


*The Fake Indictments against me didn’t come down from heaven, they came from the most corrupt President in the history of the United States, Crooked Joe Biden, in order to Rig &amp; Steal another Election.
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110867274500411944]

*Why is “Phoney” (Like in PERFECT “PHONE” CALL, get it?) Fani Willis, the severely underperforming D.A. of Fulton County who is being accused of having an “affair” with a Gang Member of a group that she is prosecuting, leaking my name in regard to a Grand Jury pertaining to Election Fraud &amp; Irregularities that I say took place in Georgia. I made a PERFECT PHONE CALL OF PROTEST. What does Phoney Fani have to do with me? She should instead focus on the record number of murders in Atlanta!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882230702522121

*The only Election Interference that took place in Fulton County, Georgia, was done by those that Rigged and Stole the Election, not by me, who simply complained that the Election was Rigged and Stolen. We have Massive and Conclusive Proof, if the Grand Jury would like to see it. Unfortunately, the publicity seeking D.A. isn’t interested in Justice, or this evidence. Also, as in Manhattan, the corrupt DOJ is pushing hard trying to keep Biden in Office. The whole system is dishonest and broken!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882321735123573

*To say no comment is oftentimes fine, but to be smiling when you say it, especially again such a tragedy as this, is absolutely horrible and unacceptable, Our government was not prepared. And very importantly, the aftermath is going very poorly with the governor of the island wanting to do nothing but blame it on global warming, and other things that just happen to pop into his head.
**https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4152554-trump-bidens-response-to-maui-fires-disgraceful/


*“Hey, I’m running against a guy, I’m going to Indict him 3 or 4 times to keep him busy.” Does anyone think that Crooked Joe Biden would have said something like this???
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110914172490735501

*David Rivkin, a highly respected Constitutional law scholar, just clearly stated that I have “Constitutionally-based immunity” and “absolute immunity!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918895000463495

*Why should Crooked Joe Biden be able to force me into the time and expense of trials, especially before the Election, on bogus claims pushed by his chief political supporter, The Department of Injustice? What a horrible precedent this sets for future Presidential campaigns. Crooked Joe Biden’s only campaign strategy is Indicting me, going on extended vacations, and Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!!!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918860464876718 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918173717605996 

*I easily won the Great State of Georgia in 2016, did a fantastic job, as President, for Georgia and the entire USA, received 10 Million more votes than I got, nationwide, in 2016, got by far the most votes in history for a sitting President, but shockingly,  “LOST” Georgia. All this despite winning nearby Alabama and South Carolina in Record Setting Landslides. Why did Georgia officials agree to, and sign, the one sided Consent Decree? Does anybody really believe I lost Georgia? I DON’T!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110916681777676824


====September 2023====
*MINORITY VOTERS ARE ABANDONING CROOKED JOE BIDEN &amp; THE DEMOCRAT PARTY FOR “TRUMP.” THANK YOU, A VERY WISE DECISION!
**https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/1110151303435539041

*It is all a shadow of its former self. Ukraine, Inflation, Bad Economy, Woke Military, No World Standing, No Respect, and today, 6 Billion Dollars for hostages. Where is the call from Republicans for the 25th Amendment.
**Truth social

*Can you believe that Crooked Joe Biden is giving $6 Billion to the terrorist regime in Iran? That money be used for terrorism all over the Middle East, and, indeed, the World. This incompetent FOOL is absolutely destroying America He had the audacity to announce this terrible deal today, September 11th. To pay for hostages will lead to kidnapping, ransom, and blackmail against Americans across the globe So, lets get this straight! We did a hostage TRADE with Iran. We gave them 5 very tough, smart people that they desperately wanted. We likewise got back 5 people BUT, we also gave them 6 BILLION DOLLARS! How much of a kickback does Crooked Joe Biden get Does anyone realize how much money 6 Billion Dollars is? When I was President, I got back 58 hostages for ZERO money. Remember Pastor Brunson? It sets a TERRIBLE precedent. Republicans, call out the 25th Amendment, NOW! Biden is INCOMPETENT
**https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4199317-trump-rips-biden-for-release-of-6b-in-iranian-funds/

*Early in the administration Education department will be closing . we spend more money on education than any other country yet we are bottom of every list.
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&amp;v=ojRde4zCYd0 Truth social]

*Biden’s job killing EV mandate has dictated that nearly seven percent of all cars sold in the US must be fully electric in less than 10 years. Crooked Joe Biden is back like a wretched old vulture.
**[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-crooked-joe-biden-is-back-like-a-wretched-old-vulture-trying-to-finish-off-his-prey/]

*[[Mark Milley]], who led perhaps the most embarrassing moment in American history with his grossly incompetent implementation of the withdrawal from Afghanistan, costing many lives, leaving behind hundreds of American citizens, and handing over BILLIONS of dollars of the finest military equipment ever made, will be leaving the military next week. This will be a time for all citizens of the USA to celebrate! This guy turned out to be a Woke train wreck who, if the Fake News reporting is correct, was actually dealing with China to give them a heads up on the thinking of the President of the United States. This is an act so egregious that, in times gone by, the punishment would have been DEATH! A war between China and the United States could have been the result of this treasonous act. To be continued!!!
**[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/111111513207332826 Truth social]

* Nobody has any idea where these people are coming from. And we know they come from prisons. We know they come from mental institutions, insane asylums. We know they're terrorists. Nobody has seen anything like we're witnessing right now. It is a very sad thing for our country. It's poisoning the blood of our country. It's so bad.
** ''The National Pulse'' interview, quoted in {{cite web |date=2023-10-17 |title=Trump - &quot;Migrants Poisoning the Blood of Our Country&quot; |work=Meidas Touch |url=https://www.meidastouch.com/:section/trump-migrants-poisoning-the-blood-of-our-country }}

====October 2023====
*We will immediately stop all of the pillaging and theft. Very simply: If you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store... Shot! The word that they shoot you will get out within minutes and our nation, in one day, will be an entirely different place. There must be retribution for theft and destruction and the ruination of our country
**2 October 2023 in [https://nypost.com/2023/10/02/trump-calls-for-shoplifters-to-be-shot-to-save-the-nation/ NY Post]

*I had a wonderful life before all this stuff. I '''didn't know what a grand jury was''', I didn't know what a subpoena, '''what is a subpoena'''? I had a wonderful life.
**5 October 2023 in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1uPUfVrb74&amp;t=842s spoken interview]

* lowlife with a very small brain and a very big mouth
* by far the dumbest of my military people
* incapable of doing a good job
* It was too much for him, and I couldn’t stand the guy, so I fired him like a ‘dog’
** Claimed about John Kelly, retired U.S. Marine Corps general, former Chief of Staff for Donald Trump, and before that US Homeland Security Secretary, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/05/donald-trump-john-kelly-comments-military-veterans &quot;‘Lowlife with small brain and big mouth’: Trump hits out at ex-aide Kelly&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (October 5, 2023)

* There’s a man, Viktor Orbán, did anyone ever hear of him?  He’s probably, like, one of the strongest leaders anywhere in the world. He’s the leader of Turkey.
**24 October 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-confuses-turkish-and-hungarian-leaders-orban-erdogan/ &quot;Trump praises Hungary’s ‘Viktor Orbán’ as great ‘leader of Turkey’&quot;], ''Politico''

==== November 2023 ====
* We pledge to you that we will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our Country, lie, steal, and cheat on Elections, and will do anything possible, whether legally or illegally, to destroy America, and the American Dream. The threat from outside forces is far less sinister, dangerous, and grave, than the threat from within. Despite the hatred and anger of the Radical Left Lunatics who want to destroy our Country, we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
** [https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/donald-trump-fascist-vermin/ &quot;The “Is Donald Trump a Fascist?” Debate Has Been Ended—by Donald Trump&quot;], ''The Nation'' (November 14, 2023)

====December 2023====
*: ''Sean Hannity:'' Under no circumstances, you are promising America tonight, you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody?
*:''Donald Trump:'' Except for day one.
*: ''Sean Hannity:'' Except for—
*: ''Donald Trump:'' ''[aside to audience, pointing at Sean]'' He's doing great. ''[to Sean]'' Except for day one. I want to close the border and I want to drill, drill, drill.

* We love this guy. He says, &quot;You’re not going to be a dictator, are ya?&quot; I said: &quot;No, no, no, other than day one. We're closing the border, and we're drilling, drilling, drilling. After that, I'm not a dictator.&quot;
**5 December 2023 in Davenport, Iowa town hall, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-05 |title=Trump to Hannity on Whether He’ll Abuse Power as President: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ |periodical=Rolling Stone |url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-hannity-iowa-town-hall-1234917385/ }}

* They let — I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do.&lt;br&gt;They're poisoning the '''blood of our country''', that's what they've done.&lt;br&gt;They poison mental institutions and prisons all over the world, not just in South America, not just to three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world. They're coming into our country from Africa, from Asia, all over the world.
**16 December 2023 in Durham, New Hampshire rally, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-17 |title=Trump says immigrants are 'poisoning the blood of our country.' Biden campaign likens comments to Hitler. |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-immigrants-are-poisoning-blood-country-biden-campaign-liken-rcna130141  }}

*ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS POISONING THE '''BLOOD OF OUR NATION'''
**17 December 2023 per [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-poisoning-blood-quote-fascism-b2465618.html Alex Woodward article in The Independent] on Trumps TruthSocial account after leaving New Hampshire

===2024===
====January 2024====
*Even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it.
**14 January 2024 per [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-worth-it-sick-vote-iowa-caucus-pass-away-2024-1 Business Insider] and  [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2024/01/15/donald-trump-vote-pass-away-iowa-caucus-vpx.cnn CNN]

*“We’re going to place strong protections to stop banks and regulators from trying to debank you from your—our political beliefs what they do. They want to debank you. We’re going to debank—think of this. They want to take away your country. Electric cars... They wanna take away your rights. They wanna take away your country. The things they’re doing. All [[Electric vehicles|electric cars]]. Give me a break. If you want an electric car, great. But they don’t go far. They’re very expensive. They gotta be made in China. That’s why I think I’m gonna get the autoworkers to vote for Trump. You know, we’re having great, great talks. But think of what they wanna do. They wanna take away your rights.”
**17 January 2024 at a campaign rally in New Hampshire, reported by several sources.&lt;ref name=&quot;evdb&quot;&gt;{{Cite web |website={{w|The Daily Beast}} |date=2024-01-21 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |title=We Need an Interpreter to Work Out Trump’s ‘Debanking’ Rant |department=The New Abnormal |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-debanking-rant-in-new-hampshire-and-electric-cars-makes-no-sense}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref name=&quot;evmed&quot;&gt;{{Cite web |url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/huh-trump-declares-they-wanna-de-bank-you-and-we-re-going-to-de-bank/ar-AA1n9KYV |title=Huh? Trump Declares, ‘They Wanna De-Bank You and We’re Going to De-Bank’ |first=Michael |last=Luciano |date=2024-01-18 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |website={{w|Mediaite}}}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* There is a great man, a great leader in Europe — [[Viktor Orbán|Viktor Orban]] [...] He is the Prime Minister of [[Hungary]]. He is a very great leader, a very strong man. Some people don't like him because he's too strong.
**20 January 2024 at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, as cited in [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-hails-hungarian-pm-orban-162500247.html &quot;Trump hails Hungarian PM Orban as 'great leader' and 'strong man'], ''Yahoo! News,'' reproduced from The New Voice of Ukraine (21 January 2024)

* We have become a drug infested, crime ridden nation which is incapable of solvin’ even the sollest smallest problem. The simplest of problems, we can no longer solve. We can’t do anything. We are an institute in a powerful death penalty. We will put this on.
** [https://www.indy100.com/video/donald-trump-incoherent-sentence-video &quot;Trump utter's incoherent sentence about US not solving 'sollest smallest problem'&quot;], ''Indy 100'' (January 23, 2024)

==== March 2024 ====
* People who are coming from parts unknown, countries that you’ve never heard of. Languages that nobody in this country speaks. We don’t even have teachers of some of these languages.  Who would think that we have languages that are like from the planet Mars?  Nobody, nobody, knows how to, you know, speak it.  
** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-out-of-this-world-claim_n_65e6de3ee4b0170871fb9275 &quot;Donald Trump Dragged To The Moon Over New Interplanetary Dog Whistle&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (March 25, 2024)
 
* They call it BleachBit, but it’s essentially acid that will destroy everything, you know, within ten miles.
** Claimed about a computer software program, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-still-seems-to-think-hillary-clinton-used-acid-to-delete-emails &quot;Trump STILL Seems to Think Hillary Clinton Used Acid to Delete Emails&quot;], ''The Daily Beast'' (March 13, 2024)

====April 2024====
*I called [Bill Bar] him ‘Weak, Slow Moving, Lethargic, Gutless, and Lazy,Based on the fact that I greatly appreciate his wholehearted Endorsement, I am removing the word ‘Lethargic’ from my statement.
**25 April 2024 per [https://web.archive.org/web/20240426044532/https://gazette.com/news/wex/bill-barr-endorses-trump-despite-past-criticism/article_1c59037c-c234-5540-be2e-8a5e59bf3ad9.html archive of The Gazette]

====May 2024====
*These people are running a Gestapo administration,And it’s the only thing they have. And it’s the only way they’re going to win in their opinion.Once I got indicted, I said well, now the gloves have to come off,If you care too much, you tend to choke. And in a way, I don’t care. It’s just you know, life is life.
**4 May 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-biden-administration-gestapo-private-donor-event-rcna150743 NBC writers] Burns/Brooks/Sonnier/Gomez/Terkel

* If he wins, our country is going to be destroyed.
* He’s a demented tyrant.
** Claimed about President of the United States of America Joe Biden, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ &quot;The Politics of Fear Itself&quot;], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024)

* Our cities are choking to death. Our states are dying. And frankly, our country is dying.
** [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ &quot;The Politics of Fear Itself&quot;], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024)

*I have been indicted more than the great Al Capone, on bullshit.
**11 May 2024 per [https://www.insidernj.com/trump-delusionary-in-new-jersey/ InsiderNJ] writer Max Pizarro

* Has anyone ever seen ''[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|The Silence of the Lambs]]''? The late, great Hannibal Lecter. He's a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner.
**11 May 2024 from a speech in Wildwood, N.J. per [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/05/13/trump-hannibal-lecter-immigration/ Washington Post], as cited 16 May 2024 in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/opinion/donald-trump-hannibal-lecter.html &quot;When Donald Trump Met Hannibal Lecter&quot;], ''The New York Times''

*I know we won (Minnesota) in 2020. We've got to be careful. We've got to watch those votes.
** 17 May 2024 during an address to the Minnesota Republican Party's annual Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in St. Paul per [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/05/18/donald-trump-minnesota-election/73747544007/ Donald Trump falsely tells supporters he won Minnesota in 2020], ''USA Today''

*'''Before I even arrive at the Oval Office''', shortly after we win the presidency, I will have the horrible war between Russia and Ukraine settled, and we will restore, as we had just four years ago, peace through strength. They respected our country and they respected your President. 
**18 May 2024 in Dallas, Texas in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgl06asFsXc speech to NRA aired on Fox], transcribed [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speaks-at-nra-convention 20 May 2024]
***Trump had previously used the &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; phrase in [[#May 2023]] and would again use it in Philadelphia the following month in [[#June 2024]]

*And if you vote for me, on Day One, I will commute the sentence of [[Ross Ulbricht]]
**20 May 2024 (Saturday night) at Libertarian National Convention, reported in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/25/trump-commute-ross-ulbricht-sentence-libertarian-convention-00160025 25 May 2024 article] by Peter Shaefer of Politico

*It boiled down to something that was very beautiful, the way it happened, and I got along with him very well.&lt;br&gt;He respected me, I respected him.&lt;br&gt;Very smart guy, very strong guy
**28 May 2024 about Kim Jong-Un, dictator in North Korea, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/181993/trump-brags-beautiful-relationship-cruel-dictator-kim-jong-un &quot;Watch: Trump’s Disgusting Praise for “Beautiful” Bond with Kim Jong Un&quot;], ''New Republic''

*We have a country that’s in big trouble, but this was a rigged decision right from day one, with a conflicted judge who should have never been allowed to try this case, And we’ll keep fighting we’ll fight till the end and we’ll win because our country has gone to hell. We don’t have the same country anymore. We have a divided mess. We’re a nation in decline, serious decline, millions and millions of people pouring into our country right now, from prisons and from mental institutions terrorists, and they’re taking over our country, real verdict would come in November.
**30 May 2024 from [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-reaction-guilty-verdict-new-york-criminal-trial/ Melissa Quinn of CBS] and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-jury-reaction-hush-money-trial-b2554187.html Ariana Baio of The Independent]

* Our witnesses were literally crucified by this man who looks like an angel, but he is really a devil.
**31 May 2024 [https://x.com/Acyn/status/1796560554359996767 tweet by Acyn] shows footage of Trump saying this about Judge [[Juan Merchan]], after Trump was found guilty in concealing payment of hush money to adult film performer Stormy Daniels, cited in [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-ridiculed-over-literally-crucified-trial-witness-claim_uk_665c277be4b00474bee95ad7 &quot;Social Media Mocks Trump's Claim That Trial Witnesses Were 'Literally Crucified'&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (June 02, 2024)

====June 2024==== 
*Don’t forget, if it weren’t me, they’d be going after somebody else. And I know a lot of the competition, They wouldn’t be doing so well right now. They’d be saying, ‘Mommy, take me home, I want to go home.
**2 June 2024 cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/06/02/trump-biden-heat-2024-elections-00161168 Politico article] by Mia McCarthy

*Wouldn't it be terrible to throw the President's wife and the former Secretary of State into jail? Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? But they wanna do it! It's a terrible, terrible, path that they're leading us to &amp; it's very possible that it's going to have to happen to them.
**5 June 2024 per [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-suggests-political-opponents-could-face-prosecution/ NewsNationNow article] by Brett Samuels of The Hill

*Those J6 warriors — they were warriors — but they were really, more than anything else, they’re victims of what happened... All they were doing is protesting a rigged election. That’s what they were doing.
**9 June 2024  [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4713140-trump-calls-j6-defendants-warriors/ &quot;Trump calls Jan. 6 defendants ‘warriors’&quot;]

* I don't care about you. I just want your vote. 
**10 June 2024  [https://lamag.com/politics/i-dont-care-about-you-i-just-want-your-vote-trump-says-at-his-latest-rally &quot;Trump to Nevada: ’I Don't Care About You... I Just Want Your Vote’&quot;], Los Angeles Magazine

* So I said, ‘Let me ask you a question.  Nobody ever asked this question. And it must be because of MIT. My relationship to MIT. Very smart. I say, What would happen if the boat sank from its weight? And you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there.  By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately. You notice that? A lot of shark. I watch some guys justifying it today. ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry. They bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were — they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what - who she was.’ These people are crazy.  ‘There’s no problem with sharks. They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming. No really got decimated and other people too, a lot of shark attacks. So I said, ‘So there’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards or here. Do I get electrocuted? If the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking. Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted? Or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?  ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark!
**10 June 2024 [https://newrepublic.com/post/182494/cognitive-decline-trump-rant-batteries &quot;Cognitive Decline? Trump Short-Circuits During Bonkers Rant&quot;], The New Republic
*before I even arrive at the Oval Office, shortly after we win the presidency
**22 June 2024 rally in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, quoted in a 2 July 2024 [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/07/02/nato-second-trump-term-00164517 Politico article] by Michael Hirsh
***Trump had previously used the phrase &quot;before I even arrive at the Oval Office&quot; in [[#March 2023]], and also used it in a May 2024 speech to the NRA the previous month

*I'm not rambling.
**23 June 2024 [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/his-brains-are-pudding-internet-mocks-trump-for-incoherent-defense-of-rambling-rant/ar-BB1oHYc9?item=flightsprg-tipsubsc-v1a?loadin=defaultbrowser &quot;'His brains are pudding': Internet mocks Trump for 'incoherent' defense of 'rambling' rant&quot;], MSN

*But I will tell you that would have never happened [if I was president]. Ukraine would have never happened. The israeli attack would have never happened and inflation would have never happened. Those are three big things. Inflation would have never happened.&lt;br&gt;No, I wouldn't support a national ban [on abortion]. No, I would not.
**20 June 2024 [https://deepcast.fm/episode/46167/in-conversation-with-president-trump#quotes/ &quot;In conversation with President Trump&quot;, on All-In with Chamath, Jason, Sacks &amp; Friedberg, found on DeepCast] 

* I want you to remember what they did to me. They tortured me in the Fulton County Jail, and TOOK MY MUGSHOT. So guess what? I put it on a mug for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!
**24 June 2024 [https://www.newsmax.com/newsfront/donald-trump-georgia-fundraising/2024/06/24/id/1169939/ &quot;Trump Fundraising Email: I Was 'Tortured' in Jail&quot;], Newsmax

* If I took this shirt off, you would see a beautiful beautiful person. But you would see wounds all over. I’ve taken a lot of wounds I can tell you. More than I suspect any president ever.
**24 June 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-talks-taking-off-105630724.html &quot;Donald Trump Talks About Taking Off His Shirt To Show 'Wounds.' Internet Can't Even.&quot;], Yahoo News

*Israel is the one. And you should let them go and let them go finish the job. He doesn’t want to do it. He’s become like a Palestinian, but hey, don’t like him because he’s a very bad Palestinian. He’s a weak one.
**27 June 2024 per [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744809-donald-trump-joe-biden-debate-palestine-israel/ The Hill article] by Brett Samuels

*If we had a real president, a president that knew -- that was respected by Putin ... he would have never invaded Ukraine.
**27 June 2024 debate with Joe Biden, cited [https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-he-can-end-the-russia-ukraine-war-in-one-day-russia-s-un-ambassador-says-he-can-t-1.6947744 1 July 2024] by Edith Lederer

====July 2024====
* I know nothing about project 2025.
* I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal.
** Claimed on July 5, 2024, quoted in:
::* [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/11/politics/trump-allies-project-2025/index.html &quot;Trump claims not to know who is behind Project 2025. A CNN review found at least 140 people who worked for him are involved&quot;], ''CNN'' (July 11, 2024)
::* [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/russell-vought-project-2025-centre-for-climate-reporting_n_66be3e85e4b04090eac4512c &quot;Project 2025 Co-Author Says Donald Trump ‘Very Supportive Of What We Do’&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (August 15, 2024)

*It was God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening...In this moment, it is more important than ever that we stand United, and show our True Character as Americans, remaining Strong and Determined, and not allowing Evil to Win
**14 July 2024 [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/it-was-god-alone-who-prevented-the-unthinkable-trump-on-assassination-attempt-6104182 per NDTV]

*By luck or by God, many people are saying it’s by God I’m still here.&lt;br&gt;The agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off, and my shoes are tight.&lt;br&gt;I had all prepared an extremely tough speech, really good, all about the corrupt, horrible administration. But I threw it away. I want to try to unite our country.
**14 July 2024 cited by [https://nypost.com/2024/07/14/us-news/grateful-defiant-trump-recounts-surreal-assassination-attempt-at-rally-im-supposed-to-be-dead/ NY Post] writer Michael Goodwin and [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/15/trump-assassination-attempt-rnc-speech-00168251 Politico] writer Isabella Ramirez

* Kamala even wants to pass laws to outlaw RED MEAT to stop climate change. 
* You know what that means? That means no more cows.
* I guess eventually she’s gonna mean no more people. Right? No more people.
** Claimed on July 25, 2024, without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-kamala-harris-does-not-want-to-ban-red-meat-as-trump-keeps-falsely-claiming-204515645.html &quot;Fact check: ​​Kamala Harris does not want to ban red meat as Trump keeps falsely claiming&quot;], ''Yahoo News'' (August 1, 2024)

* And then the [Kamala Harris] campaign says, 'I'm the prosecutor and he is the convicted felon.'
**25 July 2024 [https://www.comicsands.com/harris-trump-ad-prosecutor-felon-2668815011.html# &quot;Kamala Harris Uses 6-Second Clip Of Trump Telling The Truth About Her Campaign In New Ad—And It's Gold&quot;], ''Comic Sands''

*They say something happened to me when I got shot. I became nice.&lt;br&gt;If you don't mind, I'm not going to be nice. Is that okay?&lt;br&gt;If border czar Harris is in charge, every week they'll bring in a neverending stream of illegal aliens, rapists, blood thirsty killers, child murderers to go after our sons and our daughters.&lt;br&gt;Everything Kamala touches turns into a total disaster.
**25 July 2024 claims about US Vice President [[Kamala Harris]] at a sports arena in Charlotte, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13664627/donald-trump-Charlotte-north-carolina-kamala-harris.html &quot;Donald Trump turns his attention to 'radical left lunatic' Kamala Harris in first rally since Biden dropped out&quot;], ''Daily Mail''

*We have a new victim now, Kamala. A brand new victim, and honestly she’s a radical left lunatic. When you find out about her, all I have to say is defund the police,Three months ago, she was thought of so badly, [the media] were just killing her. And now they’re trying to make her into a, let’s say, Margaret Thatcher. I don’t think so. It’s not going to happen. Margaret Thatcher didn’t laugh like that. Did she?
**27 July 2024 in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/27/trump-harris-minnesota-rally-shooting-00171526 Politico article] by Myah Ward

*I pledge to the bitcoin community, that the day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over.On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler.
**date unknown, [https://www.ft.com/content/03e8e1d2-4244-4eba-9248-9bbd8d1b0090 Financial Times article]

*You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what, it will be fixed, it will be fine, you won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians...I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don't have to vote again, we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote.
**27 July 2024 in a speech to Turning Point Action in West Palm Beach, Florida, quote from the Reuters article [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/ &quot;Trump tells Christians they won't have to vote after this election&quot;] by Tim Reid

*I thought she was a little younger, but she's 60
**29 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, cited in [https://www.rawstory.com/donald-trump-2668835186/ &quot;She'll 'destroy the country': Trump rambles about Kamala Harris in new Fox News interview&quot;], ''RawStory''
***Kamala Harris was born 20 October 1964 so would not turn sixty until 20 October 2024, two weeks prior to the upcoming election - she was actually 59 years 9 months old when he said this 

*I’m not so sure which is better. But she either likes or loves me. And that’s nice.
**30 July 2024 about his wife Melania Trump, cited in [https://www.mercurynews.com/2024/07/30/trump-thinks-melania-either-likes-or-loves-him-following-assassination-attempt/ &quot;Trump thinks Melania ‘either likes or loves’ him following assassination attempt&quot;], ''Mercury News''

* Perverts and losers
**30 July 2024 describing members of the Lincoln Project, an organisation of moderate conservatives who oppose Trump and trumpism.  Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rages-republicans-campaigning-lincoln-project-1849509 &quot;Donald Trump Rages at Republicans Campaigning Against Him&quot;], ''Newsweek''

* She doesn’t like Jewish people. You know it, I know it and everybody knows it and nobody wants to say it.
**30 July 2024 claimed about US Vice President Kamala Harris, who is married to a Jewish husband.  Quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/trump-claims-harris-doesnt-like-jews-seems-to-agree-with-calling-her-husband-a-crappy-jew/ &quot;Trump claims Harris ‘doesn’t like Jews,’ seems to agree with calling her husband ‘a crappy Jew’&quot;], ''Times of Israel''

* If you are Jewish, regardless of Israel, if you’re Jewish, if you vote for a Democrat, you’re a fool, an absolute fool.
**30 July 2024 [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-agrees-with-radio-host-who-calls-doug-emhoff-a-crappy-jew &quot;Trump Agrees With Radio Host Who Calls Emhoff a ‘Crappy Jew’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

* So I've known her a long time - indirectly, not directly very much - and she was always of Indian heritage. And she was only promoting Indian heritage. I didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black.  And now she wants to be known as Black. So I don't know, is she Indian or is she Black?
**31 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, whose mother was a biologist from India and father is an emeritus professor of economics at Stanford University, originating from Jamaica.  Quoted in [https://www.nbcchicago.com/dnc-chicago-2024/all-of-a-sudden-trump-tells-black-journalists-in-chicago-that-kamala-harris-turned-black/3507125/ &quot;‘All of a sudden': Trump tells Black journalists in Chicago Kamala Harris ‘turned Black'&quot;], ''NBC Chicago''

* I don't want pronouns.
**31 July 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-gets-basic-english-123624171.html &quot;Donald Trump Gets Basic English Lesson After Ridiculous Comment About His ‘Pronouns’&quot;], ''Huffington Post / Yahoo Entertainment''

* A Black job is anybody that has a job.
**31 July 2024 [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/07/31/trump-black-journalist-convention-nabj.html &quot;Trump questions if Harris is Black, downplays Vance pick at Black journalists convention&quot;], ''CNBC''

====August 2024====
* That’s a weird deal going on there. They’re the weird ones. Nobody’s ever called me weird. I’m a lot of things, but weird I’m not.&lt;br&gt;You notice the evening news, every one of them, you know, they introduced the word ‘weird’, and all of a sudden they’re talking about ‘weird’.  No, we’re not weird people. We’re actually just the opposite. We’re right down the middle.&lt;br&gt;No, we're not weird. We're very solid people. We want to have strong borders. We want to have good elections. They’re the weird ones.
**1 August 2024 [https://time.com/7009800/donald-trump-responds-weird-label-jd-vance-tim-walz-commentary/ Time] and [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-stop-calling-jd-vance-and-me-weird &quot;Donald Trump: Stop Calling Me and J.D. Vance ‘Weird’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

* 24 HOURS UNTIL WE UNLEASH HELL.  At this time tomorrow, Crooked Kamala’s worst nightmares come true.&lt;br&gt;Tomorrow I step on stage and deliver Open Border Czar Kamala Harris the WORST defeat of her failed political career.&lt;br&gt;
**2 August 2024 campaign e-mail from Trump, cited in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4808393-trump-unleash-hell-atlanta-rally-harris/ &quot;Trump vows to ‘unleash hell’ on Harris at Atlanta rally&quot;], ''The Hill''

*This one is so smart, so sharp. She grabbed me. She gave me a kiss. I said &quot;I think I'm never going back home to the first lady.&quot; See now for the average politician, that's death. For me, I don't care. 
**4 August 2024 about [[Michaelah Montgomery]] at a rally in Georgia about an incident earlier in 2024, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13707347/donald-trump-georgia-rally-activist-michaelah-montgomery.html &quot;Trump's risqué remark to young activist who went viral for hugging him at Chick-fil-A after he invited her on stage at rally - as she makes VERY personal dig at Kamala&quot;], ''Daily Mail''

* I’m for electric cars. I have to be, you know, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So I have no choice.
**5 August 2024 [https://www.benzinga.com/news/24/08/40154264/trump-says-electric-cars-are-fantastic-after-tesla-ceo-elon-musks-endorsement-i-have-to-be-you-know &quot;Trump Says Electric Cars Are 'Fantastic' After Tesla CEO Elon Musk's Endorsement: 'I Have To Be, You Know… I Have No Choice'&quot;], ''Benzinga''

* Kamabla Harris is afraid to Debate me on FoxNews
**6 August 2024 cited in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-pathetic-way-attacking-120711256.html &quot;Donald Trump’s ‘Pathetic’ New Way Of Attacking Kamala Harris Is Slammed Online&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

* What are the chances that Crooked Joe Biden, the WORST President in the history of the U.S., whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him by Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin' Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left, CRASHES the Democrat National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination, beginning with challenging me to another DEBATE. He feels that he made a historically tragic mistake by handing over the U.S. Presidency, a COUP, to the people in the World he most hates, and he wants it back, NOW!!!
** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-suggests-biden-may-try-take-back-nomination-1935550 &quot;Donald Trump Suggests Biden May Try to 'Take Back The Nomination'&quot;], ''Newsweek''

* Crazy Kamabla is, indeed, CRAZY. I HEAR THERE IS A BIG MOVEMENT TO “BRING BACK CROOKED JOE&quot;.
** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-truth-social-biden-walz &quot;Trump shares outrageous Biden prediction in baffling Truth Social rant&quot;], ''Indy100''

* If you look at Caracas, it was known for being a very dangerous city and now it's very safe. In fact, the next interview we do, we'll do it in Caracas, Venezuela, because it's safer than many of our cities.
** 6 August 2024 [https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/trump-says-caracas-venezuela-is-safer-than-many-us-cities-20962070 &quot;Trump Says Caracas Is 'Safer Than Many of Our Cities'&quot;], ''Miami New Times''

*I heard she's sort of a nasty person.&lt;br&gt;She doesn't do interviews 'cause she can't answer questions.
**7 August 2024 about Vice President of the United States of America, Kamala Harris, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184640/donald-trump-kamala-harris-attacks &quot;Trump’s Latest Desperate Kamala Attacks Fall Hilariously Flat&quot;], ''The New Republic''

* A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner.&lt;br&gt;We’re gonna be living like dogs. Our whole country, our whole system, is gonna collapse.
**7 August 2024 about [[Tim Walz]], cited in [https://voz.us/en/politics/240807/15242/trump-on-the-election-of-walz-ticket-that-would-want-this-country-to-go-communist-immediately-if-not-sooner.html &quot;Trump, on the selection of Walz: 'A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner'&quot;], ''Voz'' (August 7, 2024)

*Kim Jong Un liked me a lot. He doesn't like this group [the Harris campaign]
**8 August 2024 cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trump-press-conference-mar-a-lago-updates.html &quot;Trump Agrees to Debate Harris at Rambling Press Conference: How It Happened&quot;], ''New York Magazine''

* I’ve spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody’s spoken to crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything, same number of people, if not we had more. And they said he had a million people, but I had 25,000 people.&lt;br&gt;Nobody was killed on Jan. 6.&lt;br&gt;The presidency was taken away from Joe Biden, and I’m no Biden fan, but I tell you what, from a constitutional standpoint, from any standpoint you look at, they took the presidency away.&lt;br&gt;Twenty million people came over the border during the Biden-Harris administration — 20 million people — and it could be very much higher than that. Nobody really knows.
**9 August 2024 quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-news-conference-fact-check-misinformation-eb899c1fc734f5ecb42b8d0902e5c004 &quot;FACT FOCUS: A look at claims made by Trump at news conference&quot;], ''AP News''

*Christie, he’s eating right now.  He can’t be bothered.&lt;br&gt;Sir, please do not call him a fat pig, that’s very disrespect.&lt;br&gt;See, I’m trying to be nice. Don’t call him a fat pig.  You can’t do that.&lt;br&gt;I was extremely respectful of Sloppy Chris Christie today in New Hampshire.  During a speech in front of a large crowd of Patriots, somebody shouted out that &quot;Chris Christie is a fat pig.&quot;  Rather than acknowleding that, which many speakers would have done, I said &quot;No, No, he is not a fat pig.&quot; I'm sure Chris would have been very happy with my defense of him!
**10 August 2024 [[Chris Christie]], cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/08/trump-is-pretending-he-didnt-call-chris-christie-fat-pig.html &quot;Trump Is Pretending He Didn’t Call Christie a ‘Fat Pig’&quot;], ''Intelligencer'' (August 10, 2024)

*Has anyone noticed that Kamala CHEATED at the airport?  There was nobody at the plane, and she ‘A.I.’d’ it, and showed a massive ‘crowd’ of so-called followers, BUT THEY DIDN’T EXIST!
**10 August 2024 cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/08/trump-claims-ai-images-kamala-harris-rallies/679445/ &quot;Trump’s Latest Falsehood Is a Huge Tell&quot;], ''The Atlantic''

*She’s a CHEATER. She had NOBODY waiting, and the ‘crowd’ looked like 10,000 people! Same thing is happening with her fake ‘crowds’ at her speeches. This is the way the Democrats win Elections, by CHEATING ‒ And they’re even worse at the Ballot Box. She should be disqualified because the creation of a fake image is ELECTION INTERFERENCE. Anyone who does that will cheat at ANYTHING!&lt;br&gt;EVERYTHING ABOUT KAMALA IS FAKE!
**12 August 2024, cited in  [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/12/trump-harris-rally-crowd-ai-conspiracy-theory/74763568007/ &quot;Trump blames Harris' crowds on AI, so let's all assume everything we don't like is fake!&quot;], ''USA Today''

*The worst president in history. And one of the reasons he was so bad, first of all, the Israeli attack would have never happened. Russia would never have attacked Ukraine and we'd have no inflation.  And we wouldn't have had the Afghanistan mess if you think of it.&lt;br&gt;Now she's looking like she wants to be more Trump than Trump if that's possible.She wants to have open borders. And now she's going like she's tough on the border. It's such a lie.
**12 August 2024 in [https://turboscribe.ai/transcript/share/4422534834081521519/HWE18owsC2u8E5u2HpZNikyBdermlV2YSwGlTEPKJJw/donald-trump-and-elon-musk-full-transcript-august-12-2024-https-x-com-i-spaces-1nakepnklwoxl TurboScribe article]

*The ocean is going to rise one-eighth of an inch over the next 400 years.  
**13 August 2024 about sea level rise, which is currently at 4 mm (5/32&quot;) per year with an accelerating trend.  Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview &quot;Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk&quot;], The Guardian

*The biggest threat is nuclear warming.
**13 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview &quot;Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk&quot;], The Guardian

*&quot;I said to Vladimir Putin, I said, 'Don't do it. You can't do it, Vladimir, you do it, it's going to be a bad day. You cannot do it.' And I told him things that what I do. And he said, 'No way.' And I said, 'way.' And, you know, it's the last time we ever had the conversation.
**13 August 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-zelenskyy-eu-freewheeling-musk-interview/ Politco article]

*You’re the greatest cutter,...I need an Elon Musk — I need somebody that has a lot of strength and courage and smarts. I want to close up the Department of Education, move education back to the states.
**13 August 2024 in [https://apnews.com/article/donald-trump-elon-musk-x-twitter-livestream-83d6d07fc0ffef4151c96fc56aeec9ee AP News article]

*Iran is no friend of mine, a lot of bad signals get sent.The reason is because I was strong on Iran and I was protecting people in the Middle East that maybe they aren’t so happy about that.
**14 August 2024 per [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/08/14/trump-iran-hack-campaign-00174002 political article]

*Kamala has declared that tackling inflation will be a Day One priority, but Day One for Kamala was 3½ years ago. Why hasn’t she done it? .‌‌.‌‌She's a critic. That's all she is.
**14 August 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trumps-economy-speech-veers-personal-attacks-harris-biden-rcna166652 NBC News article]

* Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?&lt;br&gt;I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU! Chris, can we take a picture during our all-expenses-paid trip together?  I already have the PERFECT spot picked out in Mar-a-Lago to show it off!
* MEET TRUMP! ENTER TO WIN
**14 August 2024 mass E-mail sent out to a large number of people.  [https://politicalemails.org/messages/1521460 &quot;Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?&quot;], PoliticalEmails.com (August 14, 2024) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBudZMFvcvY&amp;t=115s &quot;Trump Goes TOTALLY NUTS as his ENTIRE LIFE COLLAPSES&quot;], ''MeidasTouch'' (August 14, 2024)

*Miriam, I watched (Sheldon Adelson, her late husband) sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the Presidential Medal of Freedom. That’s the highest award you can get as a civilian, it’s the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian version. It’s actually much better, because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor – that’s soldiers. They’re either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets, or they’re dead. She gets it and she’s a healthy, beautiful woman, and they’re rated equal.
**15 August 2024 [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-medal-of-honor/index.html Trump says civilian award is ‘much better’ than Medal of Honor]

* We’re talking about a thing called the economy.&lt;br&gt;We’re doing this as an intellectual speech.&lt;br&gt;We literally are a third world nation, we literally are a third-world nation. We’re a banana republic in so many ways, and we’re not going to let that happen because we’re starting a free fall.&lt;br&gt;For nearly four years Kamala has crackled as the American economy has burned.&lt;br&gt;What happened to her laugh? I haven’t heard that laugh in about a week. That’s why they keep her off the stage, that’s why she has disappeared.&lt;br&gt;That’s the laugh of a crazy person, I will tell you.  She’s crazy.&lt;br&gt;Incompetent socialist lunatic.&lt;br&gt;Kamabla.&lt;br&gt;Rape and murder, rape and beatings, rape and something else, and sometimes just immediate killing. These people are brutal. These are people that came out of the toughest jails anywhere in the world from all over the world, and we can’t take them.
**16 August 2024 per [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/14/trump-rally-north-carolina-rambling-economy-harris-crime/74798514007/ &quot;Trump's North Carolina speech went predictably off the rails. Can he even spell 'economy'?&quot;], ''USA today''

* I think I’m entitled to personal attacks.&lt;br&gt;Now you’ll say he ranted and raved […] I’m a very calm person, believe it or not.
**16 August 2024 from [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-fury-harris-switch-campaign-analysis/index.html &quot;Trump’s fury over Harris’ switch with Biden is increasingly driving his campaign&quot;], ''CNN'' 

* She actually called me ‘weird.  And she called JD and I ‘weird.’ He’s not weird, he was a great student at Yale.&lt;br&gt;We have this guy that’s running a failed, really a very failed state who’s had a terrible career.  I mean you have him saying, ‘They’re weird.’ No, he’s a weird guy, and she’s weird in her policy.
**16 August 2024 claim about Vice President of the USA Kamala Harris and Governor of Minnesota Tim Walz, quoted in [https://sg.news.yahoo.com/trump-denies-jd-vance-weird-040509909.html &quot;Trump Denies He And JD Vance Are Weird In The Weirdest Way Possible&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

*I watched Sheldon sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the '''Presidential Medal of Freedom'''.&lt;br&gt;That's the highest award you can get as a civilian.&lt;br&gt;'''It's the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian''' version.&lt;br&gt;It's actually much better because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, they're soldiers.&lt;br&gt;They're either in very bad shape because they've been hit so many times by bullets or they are dead.&lt;br&gt;She gets it and she's a healthy, beautiful woman.&lt;br&gt;And they're '''rated equal''', but she got the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-medal-of-freedom-medal-of-honor/ &quot;Trump says Medal of Freedom &quot;equivalent&quot; to and &quot;much better&quot; than Medal of Honor, sparking backlash from veterans&quot;] ''CBS News'' (August 16, 2024) 

*Kamala will implement SOVIET Style Price Controls.  EVERY American will be taxed up to 80% of their income!&lt;br&gt;If Kamala is elected and implements her Communist Price Caps, there will be famine, starvation, and poverty, the likes of which we have never seen. America will NEVER recover!&lt;br&gt;Kamala Harris wants to raise your taxes and make you pay for free healthcare and free housing in luxury hotels for her millions of illegal aliens.
**16 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/kamala-harris-vs-trump-2668979250/ &quot;Donald Trump rants that 'famine' will come to America if Kamala Harris is elected&quot;], ''RawStory'' 

*I am much better looking than her.  I’m a better looking person than Kamala.&lt;br&gt;I say that I’m much better looking than her.  I had never heard that one. They said her biggest advantage was that she’s a beautiful-looking woman. Ha. I’d never thought of that.&lt;br&gt;I said, who am I running against, Harris? I said, ‘Who the hell is Harris?'&lt;br&gt;Joe Biden hates her.&lt;br&gt;They will say he’s rambling. I don’t ramble. I’m a really smart guy,
**18 August 2024 per  [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-im-better-looking-than-kamala-and-dont-say-i-ramble &quot;Trump: ‘I’m Better Looking than Kamala—and Don’t Say I Ramble’&quot;], ''The Daily Beast''

*You know, he said we’re weird.  That J.D. and I are weird. I think we’re extremely normal people.  We’re like you, we’re exactly like you.&lt;br&gt;He [Tim Walz] is weird.  Did you ever see him go on the stage and go, like, crazy? Between his movement and her laugh, there’s a lot of crazy. I’d say a step further than weird, weird is a nice word by comparison.
**19 August 2024 to a small crowd in York, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-insists-extremely-normal-during-204337061.html &quot;Trump Insists He’s “Extremely Normal” During Incredibly Weird Speech&quot;], ''Yahoo News / The New Republic''

*You can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread. You get shot, you get mugged, you get raped, you get whatever it may be.
**21 August 2024 at a rally in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trumps-latest-claim-crime-real-224038664.html &quot;Trump's Latest Claim About Crime Is A Real Doozy&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post''

* That was a coup, it was a vicious violent overthrow of a president of the United States.
**20 August 2024 about [[Joe Biden]] pulling out of the 2024 presidential election, quoted in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ &quot;Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - &quot;That Was A Coup&quot;&quot;], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News''

*We have a fool as a president.
**20 August 2024 cited in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ &quot;Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - &quot;That Was A Coup&quot;&quot;], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News''

*I think that women living in the suburbs—I keep hearing about ‘the suburban woman doesn’t like Trump,’ well, I think it’s a fake poll because why wouldn’t they like me? I keep the suburbs safe.
**202 August 2024 during a rally in a garage in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/185085/donald-trump-derails-speech-crime-complain-women &quot;Trump Derails Weird Speech on Crime to Complain Women Hate Him&quot;], ''New Republic''

*We're going to bring up electronics too. Electronics. We buy everything away. When you see the sophistication of the product I just saw at this place, electronics is peanuts.
**20 August 2024 in [https://www.dailykos.com/story/2024/8/19/2264243/-Thanks-Joe-We-won-t-forget-who-was-POTUS-in-2020 &quot;Thanks, Joe. We won't forget who was POTUS in 2020&quot;], ''Daily Kos''

*Our primary focus is not to get out the vote, it is to make sure they don’t cheat. We have all the votes we’ll need. You can see it ... every house along the way has signs: Trump, Trump, Trump, Vance, Trump, Vance.
**20 August 2024 in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-focus-ensuring-democrats-dont-cheat-not-voter-turnout-rcna167630 &quot;Trump says his focus is ensuring Democrats 'don't cheat,' not voter turnout — echoing efforts to undermine election&quot;], ''NBC News''

*There will be no future under Comrade Kamala Harris, because she will take us into a Nuclear World War III , She will never be respected by the Tyrants of the World!
**23 August 2024 in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/23/trump-reaction-harris-dnc-speech &quot;Harris’s convention speech sparks live rant from outraged Trump&quot;], ''The Guardian''

*My Administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights.
**23 August 2024 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113012083325505976 Truth Social]

*Kamala Harris is the weakest presidential candidate in history on crime.&lt;br&gt;She’s allowed millions of people to pour through our borders, many from prisons, mental institutions and, indeed, terrorists, coming in at levels never seen before.&lt;br&gt;What gives her the right to run for president?&lt;br&gt;She got no votes to Biden’s fourteen million.&lt;br&gt;She failed in her previous attempt, was the first one out of twenty-two people to quit, never made it to Iowa, and now she’s a presidential candidate?&lt;br&gt;This is a '''threat to democracy'''!
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-2669023213/ &quot;'What gives her the right to run?' Trump launches overnight tirade at Kamala Harris&quot;], ''RawStory'' (August 24, 2024)

*The truth is, they’re trying to get out of it because she doesn’t want to debate. She’s not a good debater, she’s not a smart person. She doesn’t want to debate.
**26 August 2024 in response to the Harris campaign‘s demand that their September 10th debate occur without muted microphones; in [https://nypost.com/2024/08/26/us-news/harris-campaign-urges-trump-to-take-abc-news-debate-without-muted-microphone/ &quot;Trump says Harris ‘trying to get out of’ debate over unmuted microphones demand&quot;] 

*15 stunning all-new digital trading cards, it's really something.  These cards show me dancing, even holding some BitCoins!
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-digital-trading-cards-2669080783/ &quot;Trump revives widely mocked digital trading cards as Harris gains in polls&quot;], ''RawStory'' (August 27, 2024)

*The Harris/Biden administration has been caught fraudulently manipulating job statistics to hide the true extent of the economic ruin that they’ve inflicted on America, Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the administration padded the numbers with an extra, listen to this one, 818,000 jobs that don’t exist.
**[https://www.poynter.org/fact-checking/2024/job-data-manipulated-fact-check/ &quot;Donald Trump falsely claimed that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris manipulated job data&quot;], ''Poynter'' (August 27, 2024)

* I think to a certain extent it’s Biden’s fault and Harris’s fault. And I’m the opponent. Look, they were weaponizing government against me, they brought in the whole DOJ to try and get me, they weren’t too interested in my health and safety,They’re saying I’m a threat to democracy,They would say that, that was standard line, just keep saying it, and you know that can get assassins or potential assassins going. That’s a terrible thing … Maybe that bullet is because of their rhetoric.
** With &quot;dr Phil&quot; [https://archive.ph/mamCT &quot;Trump, without evidence, in part faults Biden, Harris for assassination attempt&quot;], ''Washington Post'' (August 28, 2024)

*Well, I think the six-week (ban) is too short. It has to be more time. So…and I’ve told them that, I want more weeks. I am going to be voting that we need more than six weeks…. I believe in exceptions for life of the mother, —if you look— incest, rape.
** 29 August 2024 when asked how he was going to vote on the Florida amendment to overturn the six-week ban on abortion; in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-wants-make-ivf-treatments-paid-government-insurance-compani-rcna168804 &quot;Trump says he wants to make IVF treatments paid for by government or insurance companies if elected&quot;]

*I’m announcing today in a major statement that under the Trump administration, your government will pay for — or your insurance company will be mandated to pay for — all costs associated with IVF treatment. Because we want more babies, to put it nicely.
**30 August 2024 in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/we-want-more-babies-trump-promises-free-ivf-treatments-amid-abortion-rights-debate-says-us-government-will-pay-but-how/articleshow/112909996.cms 'We want more babies': Trump promises free IVF treatments amid abortion rights debate, says 'US government will pay' - But how?]

*I’ll be voting ’no’ for that reason&lt;br&gt;“’No’ on (Florida) Amendment 4?”&lt;br&gt;For that reason because it‘s radical. You talk about radical. Doing an abortion in the ninth month is unacceptable to anybody…. There‘s something in between, but the six (weeks) is too short, it‘s just too short a period and the nine months is unacceptable…. But for that reason, for the radicalization on the Democrats side, we‘re voting ’no’.&lt;br&gt;“…Would you veto a federal abortion ban?”&lt;br&gt;I‘m not going to have to think about it because it‘s working out so well right now. The states are doing it. It‘s a states issue…. Well, what‘s happening is you‘re never going to have to do it because it‘s being done by the states. The states are voting. And the people are now getting a chance to vote and this is the way everybody wanted it.
**30 August 2024 when asked about how he would vote on the Florida abortion amendment in the upcoming election in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pro-lifers-blast-trump-betrayal-shifting-abortion-stance-answer-florida-amendment-4 Pro-lifers blast Trump 'betrayal' with shifting abortion stance, answer on Florida Amendment 4]

*It’s crazy. Our country is being '''poisoned''', and your schools and your children are suffering greatly because they’re going into the classrooms, they’re taking the seats and they don’t even speak English.
**30 Aug 2024 quoted in [https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/aug/30/our-country-is-being-poisoned-trump-says-as-he-cou/ Washington Times article by Ali Swenson and Will Weissert]

* If you look at Kamala and you look at what she’s done to every place she’s touched has turned to s**t. Every single place she’s touched. I have to say, it. Every place she’s touched, you know?
** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/melania-plea-trump-control-swearing-202341688.html &quot;Melania’s plea for Trump to control his swearing flops as he tears into Harris at rally&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (August 31, 2024)

* I don’t need publicity. I get a lot of publicity. I would like to get a lot less publicity.&lt;br&gt;I would hire a public relations agent to get less publicity.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/30/trump-pennsylvania-rally-arlington-cemetery-photo-op?utm_source=sdrn%3Avg%3Aarticle%3AJbnA66 &quot;Trump denies exploiting visit to US soldiers’ graves: ‘I don’t need publicity’&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (August 31, 2024)

*Now, they have Kamala who has many deficiencies, but she's a nasty person. The way she treated Mike Pence was horrible. The way she treats people is horrible.
**31 August 2024 [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-saying-kamala-harris-was-horrible-mike-pence-mocked-1947392 Donald Trump Saying Kamala Harris Was 'Horrible' to Mike Pence Mocked]

====September 2024====
*you take a look at Venezuela as an example, the crime is down 72% because they've taken their criminals from Caracas, they've taken their drug dealers. They're emptying their prisons into our country
**[https://www.wtae.com/article/kamala-harris-donald-trump-pennsylvania-fact-check/62048503 ]
** [https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/crime-drop-in-venezuela-does-not-prove-trumps-claim-the-country-is-sending-criminals-to-u-s/ &quot;Crime Drop in Venezuela Does Not Prove Trump’s Claim the Country Is Sending Criminals to U.S.&quot;], ''FactCheck.org'' (June 14, 2024)

* I think you believe [in God] more, because when you speak to experts, like my sons who are shooting experts. But when you speak to experts, they said there was no chance that he could have missed from that distance....&lt;br&gt;I think you think like, if you believe in God, you believe in God more. And somebody said like, why? And I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country. Our country is so sick and it’s so broken. Our country is just broken. And maybe that was the reason, I don’t know. I don’t know, a lot of people have said that.
** Speaking about assassination attempt on July 14, 2024, in interview on Fox News “Life, Liberty &amp; Levin”, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4858345-trump-id-like-to-think-that-god-thinks-that-im-going-to-straighten-out-our-country/ &quot;Trump: ‘I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country’&quot;], ''The Hill'' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RbQ2Gb2AG4 YouTube interview] (September 1, 2024)

*You just cannot let them have a nuclear weapon. But I will say this: If they do have a nuclear weapon, Israel is gone.
** [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202409014919 &quot;Trump says if Iran gets a nuke, 'Israel will be gone'&quot;], ''Iran International'' (September 1, 2024)

* Whoever heard you get indicted for interfering with a presidential election where you have every right to do it?
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-had-every-right-interfere-2020-election-2024-09-02/ &quot;Trump says he had 'every right' to interfere in 2020 election&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 2, 2024)

* You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together and it’s like, and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’ But the fake news, you know what they say? ‘He rambled.’
** [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/critics-call-hilarious-bs-donald-094722633.html &quot;Critics Call Hilarious BS On Donald Trump's New Brag About His Speeches&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (September 2, 2024)

* [About Project 2025:] I know nothing about it, and they know that, too. Democrats know that, and I purposely haven't read it because I want to say to you I don't, I have no idea what it's all about.&lt;br&gt;It's easier than saying I read it and you know, all of the things. No, I purposely haven't read it, and I've heard about it.&lt;br&gt;I've heard about things that are in there that I don't like, and there's some things in there that everybody would like, but there are things that I don't like at all.
** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-project-2025-2669122309/ &quot;Trump says ‘purposefully’ hasn’t read Project 2025 — but everybody would like parts of it&quot;], ''RawStory'' (September 3, 2024)

*But I’ve done well with debates. I became president, and then the second time I got millions more votes than I got the first time. I was told if I got 63 million … you would win. You can’t not win. And I got millions of more votes than that and lost by a whisker but— and look at what happened with the world.
**[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lex-fridman-podcast-interview-b2606533.html Trump admits he lost 2020 election ‘by a whisker’ during Lex Fridman podcast], ''Independent'' (September 3, 2024) &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCbfTN-caFI Donald Trump Interview - Lex Fridman Podcast #442]&quot; (at 10m51s), Lex Fridman, 3 September 2024.

* I am proud to represent our Failing Nation in fighting the GREATEST POLITICAL WITCH HUNT IN HISTORY.  REMOVE THE GAG ORDER SO THAT I CAN SHOW HOW CORRUPT OUR COURT SYSTEM IS. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOT TO BE GAGGED!
** Claimed about a court order to stop repeatedly intimidating witnesses and attacking family members of a judge in a felony court case, quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/i-am-proud-to-represent-our-failing-nation-trump-melts-down-in-early-morning-court-rant/ar-AA1pZ1jo &quot;'I am proud to represent our failing nation': Trump melts down in early morning court rant&quot;], ''MSN / Raw Story'' (September 4, 2024)

*I’ve been preparing all my life for this debate.
**Referring to his upcoming September 10th debate with Kamala Harris, in [https://www.wbtw.com/news/washington-dc-news/harris-and-trump-court-voters-ahead-of-first-debate/ Harris and Trump court voters ahead of first debate], ''News13 WBTW'' (September 4, 2024)

* [Asked about what specific legislation Trump would advance to make child care affordable:] Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down, and I was, somebody, we had Senator Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that, because, look, child care is child care is. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it. In this country you have to have it.  But when you talk about those numbers compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to — but they’ll get used to it very quickly – and it’s not gonna stop them from doing business with us, but they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country. Those numbers are so much bigger than any numbers that we’re talking about, including child care, that it’s going to take care.  We’re gonna have — I, I look forward to having no deficits within a fairly short period of time, coupled with the reductions that I told you about on waste and fraud and all of the other things that are going on in our country, because I have to stay with child care. I want to stay with child care, but those numbers are small relative to the kind of economic numbers that I’m talking about, including growth, but growth also headed up by what the plan is that I just, that I just told you about.  We’re gonna be taking in trillions of dollars, and as much as child care is talked about as being expensive, it’s relatively speaking not very expensive compared to the kind of numbers we’ll be taking in. We’re going to make this into an incredible country that can afford to take care of its people, and then we’ll worry about the rest of the world. Let’s help other people. But we’re going to take care of our country first. This is about America first. It’s about Make America Great Again. We have to do it because right now we’re a failing nation, so we’ll take care of it.
** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-childcare-economy-speech-b2607970.html &quot;Trump tried to explain how he plans to make childcare more affordable. It was a word salad&quot;], ''Independent'' (September 6, 2024)&lt;!--Quoted by several other sources, such as ''All In with Chris Hayes'', https://www.rawstory.com/trump-decline/, see video here: https://www.c-span.org/video/?538141-1/fmr-pres-trump-remarks-economic-club-york--&gt;

* But the transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. And you know, many of these childs [sic] 15 years later say, 'What the hell happened? Who did this to me?' They say, 'Who did this to me?' It's incredible.
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-schools-transgender-surgeries/ &quot;Trump's Claim That Children Received Gender-Affirming Surgeries at School Is False&quot;], ''Snopes'' (September 5, 2024)

* As the first order of business, this commission will develop an action plan to totally eliminate fraud and improper payments within six months, saving trillions of dollars
** [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/06/technology/elon-musk-donald-trump-influence.html How Elon Musk Is Influencing Donald Trump], ''New York Times'' (September 6, 2024)

* [On the likelihood of him sexually abusing a woman in 1979:] She said I was making out with her and then I grabbed her in a certain part. Think of the impracticality of this. I'm famous in a plane, people are coming into the plane and I grab a woman - what are the chances of that happening? Frankly, I know you're going to say it's a terrible thing to say but it couldn't have happened, it didn't happen because she would not have been the chosen one.
**[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/147957/donald-trump-e-jean-carroll-court-appeal Trump declares E. Jean Carroll 'not the chosen one' in bizarre rant following court appeal], ''Daily Express US'' [https://youtube.com/watch?v=mFdzWJXPYbo Trump mocks his sexual assault accuser: ‘She would not have been the chosen one’], MSNBC YouTube (September 6, 2024)

*I am the Peace President, and only I will stop World War III!
**[https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-loses-it-on-the-cheneys-after-they-endorse-harris-irrelevant-rino-along-with-his-daughter/ Trump Loses It on the Cheneys After They Endorse Harris: ‘Irrelevant RINO, Along with His Daughter!’] ''Mediaite'' [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113093196894480530] (September 6, 2024)

* I better win, I better win, or you're going to have problems like we've never had.  We may have no country left. It may be our last election.
** [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-claims-israel-gone-two-years-harris-elected-president-video &quot;Trump claims Israel will be 'gone' within two years if Harris is elected president: video&quot;], ''Fox News'' (September 7, 2024)

*WHEN I WIN, those people that CHEATED will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Law, which will include long term prison sentences so that this Depravity of Justice does not happen again.&lt;br&gt;Please beware that this legal exposure extends to Lawyers, Political Operatives, Donors, Illegal Voters, &amp; Corrupt Election Officials. Those involved in unscrupulous behavior will be sought out, caught, and prosecuted at levels, unfortunately, never seen before in our Country.
**[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trump-threatens-long-prison-sentences-for-those-who-cheat-in-the-election-if-he-wins Trump threatens long prison sentences for those who ‘cheat’ in the election if he wins], ''PBS News'' (September 8, 2024)

*The moment we win, we will rapidly review the cases of every political prisoner unjustly victimized by the Harris regime, and I will sign their pardons on day one. With your vote this election, their lying, cheating, thieving, hoaxing, and plotting will come to an end. We got to stop the cheating. If we stop that cheating, if we don't let them cheat, I don't even have to campaign anymore. We're going to win by so much.
**At a rally in Wisconsin on Saturday, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cnc/date/2024-09-09/segment/07 CNN News Central Transcripts] (September 9, 2024)

* Can you imagine you’re a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, ‘Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school’ and your son comes back with a brutal operation.  Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country?
** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-falsely-claims-children-being-195728811.html &quot;Trump falsely claims children being forced into gender transition ops at school in rambling fantasy-filled rally speech&quot;], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (September 9, 2024)

* I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/trump-says-i-hate-taylor-swift-after-pop-star-endorses-kamala-harris.html &quot;Trump says ‘I hate Taylor Swift’ after pop star endorses Kamala Harris&quot;], ''CNBC'' (September  15, 2024)

* Latin music superstar Nicky Jam. Do you know Nicky? She’s hot. 
** Claimed about the singer after he endorsed Trump, quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/music/2024/09/15/donald-trump-nicky-jam-las-vegas-rally/75237185007/ &quot;Donald Trump misgenders reggaeton star Nicky Jam at rally: 'She's hot'&quot;], ''USA Today'' (September 16, 2024)

*We have to call it Covid. What the hell does Covid mean. The China virus. A lot of people think they did that because they were not happy with me as president.
**[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/148953/trump Trump pushes theory that 'China created Covid-19 because they didn't like his presidency'] (September 17, 2024)

*I don't know what happened. With the bomb threats. I know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants, and that's a terrible thing that happened. Springfield was this beautiful town, and now they're going through hell.
**[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/how-life-in-springfield-has-been-disrupted-by-lies-about-its-haitian-community How life in Springfield has been disrupted by lies about its Haitian community], ''PBS News'' (17 September, 2024)

* Nobody can draw crowds like me... I’m the greatest of all time.  Maybe greater even than Elvis. Elvis had a guitar, I don’t have a guitar. I don’t have the privilege of a guitar.
** [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/donald-trump-boasts-he-is-greater-than-elvis/ar-AA1qPeXs &quot;Donald Trump boasts he is ‘greater than Elvis’&quot;], ''MSN'' (September 19, 2024)

*She doesn’t like doing interviews. And she’s not knowledgeable about economy and various things, and I think it would be a problem. But you know what? [Biden] was pretty much gone. They said, 'Joe, it’s over. You're getting out.' And they put her in, and she somehow — a woman — somehow she's doing better than he did. But I can't imagine it can last.
**During an appearance on Fox News’ ''Gutfeld!'', [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-seemed-surprised-kamala-200648284.html Donald Trump Just Made An Eyebrow-Raising Observation About Kamala Harris], ''Yahoo News'' (September 19, 2024)

* This is Martin Luther King on steroids.  I told that to Mark. I said, 'I think you're better than Martin Luther King. I think you are Martin Luther King times two.'
** Said about candidate for North Carolina governor [[Mark Robinson (American politician)|Mark Robinson]], quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/robinson-expected-attend-trumps-north-carolina-rally-amid/story?id=113873656 &quot;Robinson not expected to attend Trump's North Carolina rally amid scandal: Sources&quot;], ''ABC News'' (September 21, 2024)

* Anybody that thinks crime is going down is a serious brain problem.
** [https://www.scrippsnews.com/us-news/crime/murder-other-violent-crime-rates-dropped-across-us-last-year-new-fbi-data-shows &quot;Murder, other violent crime rates dropped across US last year, new FBI data shows&quot;], ''Scripps News'' (September 23, 2024)

* She had the other interview with the other guy who was a nice guy I think from Philadelphia from Pennsylvania, he was a nice guy, he was asking her all these (scrambles words) – the daily take – they don’t take like I do! Anybody wants to go, go what the hell differences they make – they have – and how dishonest was ABC.
* I'm cognitively very strong.
** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-teased-over-rambling-word-120404261.html &quot;Trump teased over rambling ‘word salad’ at rally as he insists he is 'cognitively very strong'&quot;], ''Yahoo News / The Independent'' (September 24, 2024)

* If any senior doesn't vote for Trump, we're gonna have to send you to a psychiatrist to have your head examined.
** [https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-tells-another-group-of-voters-to-have-your-head-examined/ &quot;Trump Tells ANOTHER Group of Voters to 'Have Your Head Examined'&quot;], ''Mediaite'' (September 25, 2024)

*If I were the president, I would inform the threatening country, in this case, Iran, that if you do anything to harm this person, we are going to blow your largest cities and the country itself to smithereens. We're going to blow it to smithereens. There would be no more threats.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/International/trump-lashes-iran-security-officials-warn-rise-foreign/story?id=114086967 &quot;Trump suggests Iran tied to assassination attempts, issues blunt warning&quot;], ''ABC News'' (September 26, 2024)

*It has been determined that Google has illegally used a system of only revealing and displaying bad stories about Donald J Trump, some made up for this purpose while, at the same time, only revealing good stories about Comrade Kamala Harris. This is an ILLEGAL ACTIVITY, and hopefully the Justice Department will criminally prosecute them for this blatant Interference of Elections. If not, and subject to the Laws of our Country, I will request their prosecution, when I win the Election and become President of the United States.
**From a post on ''Truth Social'', cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/sep/27/trump-google-threat-criminal-charges Trump vows to seek criminal charges against Google if re-elected president], ''The Guardian'' (September 28, 2024)
*Crooked Joe Biden became mentally impaired, Sad. But lying Kamala Harris, honestly, I believe she was born that way. There’s something wrong with Kamala. And I just don’t know what it is but there is definitely something missing. And you know what, everybody knows it.
**[https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-there-s-something-wrong-with-harris-and-that-she-s-mentally-impaired-1.7056321 ]

====1st Debate with Kamala Harris (September 10, 2024)====

*&lt;i&gt;in response to Kamala Harris bringing up Project 2025:&lt;/I&gt;&lt;Br&gt;…she knows better than anyone, I have nothing to do with Project 2025. That's out there. I haven't read it. I don't want to read it, purposely. I'm not going to read it. This was a group of people that got together, they came up with some ideas. I guess some good, some bad. But it makes no difference. I have nothing to do -- everybody knows I'm an open book. Everybody knows what I'm going to do. Cut taxes very substantially. And create a great economy like I did before.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;regarding inflation during the Biden presidency:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;I had no inflation,&lt;/b&gt; virtually no inflation, they had the highest inflation, perhaps in the history of our country because I've never seen a worse period of time. &lt;b&gt;People can't go out and buy cereal bacon or eggs or anything else.&lt;/b&gt; These the people of our country are absolutely dying with what they've done. They've destroyed the economy and all you have to do it look at a poll. The polls say 80 and 85 and even 90% that the Trump economy was great that their economy was terrible.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*We hardly make chips anymore because of philosophies like they have and policies like they have. I don't say her because she has no policy. Everything that she believed three years ago and four years ago is out the window. She's going to my philosophy now. In fact, I was going to send her a MAGA hat. She's gone to my philosophy. But if she ever got elected, she'd change it. And it will be the end of our country. &lt;b&gt;She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But when you look at what she's done to our country and when you look at these &lt;b&gt;millions and millions of people that are pouring into our country monthly&lt;/b&gt; where it's I believe 21 million people, not the 15 that people say, and I think it's a lot higher than the 21. That's bigger than New York state. Pouring in. And just look at what they're doing to our country. They're criminals. Many of these people coming in are criminals. And that's bad for our economy too.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: …Vice President Harris says that women shouldn't trust you on the issue of abortion because you've changed your position so many times. Therefore, why should they trust you?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, the reason I'm doing that vote [voting “no” on the Florida abortion ban] is because the plan is, as you know, the vote is, they have abortion in the ninth month. They even have, and you can look at the governor of West Virginia, the previous governor of West Virginia, not the current governor, who's doing an excellent job, but the governor before. He said the baby will be born and we will decide what to do with the baby. In other words, we'll execute the baby.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But her vice presidential pick [Tim Walz] says abortion in the ninth month is absolutely fine. &lt;b&gt;He also says execution after birth, it's execution, no longer abortion, because the baby is born, is okay.&lt;/b&gt; And that's not okay with me. Hence the vote. But what I did is something for 52 years they've been trying to get Roe v. Wade into the states.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And now states are voting on it. And for the first time you're going to see -- look, this is an issue that's torn our country apart for 52 years. Every legal scholar, every Democrat, every Republican, liberal, conservative, they all wanted this issue to be brought back to the states where the people could vote. And that's what happened, happened.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …But understand, if Donald Trump were to be re-elected, he will sign a national abortion ban….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I’m not signing a ban. And there's no reason to sign a ban. Because we've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans and everybody else and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states. And the states are voting. And it may take a little time, but for 52 years this issue has torn our country apart. And they've wanted it back in the states. And I did something that nobody thought was possible. The states are now voting. What she says is an absolute lie. And as far as the abortion ban, no, I'm not in favor of abortion ban. But it doesn't matter because this issue has now been taken over by the states.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …You will see during the course of his rallies he talks about fictional characters like Hannibal Lecter. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;First let me respond as to the rallies. She said people start leaving. &lt;b&gt;People don't go to her rallies.&lt;/b&gt; There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, &lt;b&gt;she's busing them in and paying them to be there.&lt;/b&gt; And then showing them in a different light. So, she can't talk about that. People don't leave my rallies. &lt;b&gt;We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.&lt;/b&gt; That's because people want to take their country back. Our country is being lost. &lt;b&gt;We're a failing nation.  And it happened three and a half years ago.&lt;/b&gt; And what, what's going on here, &lt;b&gt;you're going to end up in World War 3,&lt;/b&gt; just to go into another subject. What they have done to our country by allowing these millions and millions of people to come into our country. And look at what's happening to the towns all over the United States. And a lot of towns don't want to talk -- not going to be Aurora or Springfield. A lot of towns don't want to talk about it because they're so embarrassed by it. &lt;b&gt;In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating -- they're eating the pets of the people that live there.&lt;/b&gt; And this is what's happening in our country. And it's a shame….&lt;br&gt;&lt;I&gt;DAVID MUIR: I just want to clarify here, you bring up Springfield, Ohio. And ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there have been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community --&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;Well, I've seen people on television&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Let me just say here this ...&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.&lt;/b&gt; So maybe he said that and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: I'm not taking this from television. I'm taking it from the city manager.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;b&gt;But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;*&lt;b&gt;We'll find out.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*But just to finish, I got more votes than any Republican in history by far. In fact, I got more votes than any president, sitting president in history by far.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: You also said you would use local police. How would you deport 11 million undocumented immigrants? I know you believe that number is much higher….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt; Yeah. It is much higher because of them. They allowed criminals. Many, many, millions of criminals. They allowed terrorists. They allowed common street criminals. They allowed people to come in, drug dealers, to come into our country, and they're now in the United States. And told by their countries like Venezuela don't ever come back or we're going to kill you. Do you know that crime in Venezuela and crime in countries all over the world is way down? You know why? Because they've taken their criminals off the street and they've given them to her to put into our country. And this will be one of the greatest mistakes in history for them to allow -- and I think they probably did it because they think they're going to get votes. But it's not worth it. Because they're destroying the fabric of our country by what they've done. There's never been anything done like this at all. They've destroyed the fabric of our country. Millions of people let in. And all over the world crime is down. All over the world except here. Crime here is up and through the roof. Despite their fraudulent statements that they made. Crime in this country is through the roof. And we have a new form of crime. It's called migrant crime. And it's happening at levels that nobody thought possible.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: President Trump, as you know, the FBI says overall violent crime is actually coming down in this country, but Vice President the...&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Excuse me, the FBI -- they were defrauding statements. They didn't include the worst cities. They didn't include the cities with the worst crime. It was a fraud. Just like their number of 818,000 jobs that they said they created turned out to be a fraud.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Responding to Harris listing the criminal cases against Trump:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Excuse me. Every one of those cases was started by them against their political opponent. And I'm winning most of them and I'll win the rest on appeal. And you saw that with the decision that came down just recently from the Supreme Court. I'm winning most of them. But those are cases, it's called weaponization. Never happened in this country. They weaponized the justice department. Every one of those cases was involved with the DOJ, from Atlanta and Fani Willis -- to the attorney general of New York and the D.A. In New York. Every one of those cases. And then they say oh, he was -- he's a criminal. They're the ones that made them go after me. By the way, Joe Biden was found essentially guilty on the documents case. And what happened in my documents case? They said oh, that's the toughest of them all. A complete and total victory. Two months ago it was thrown out. It's weaponization. And they used it. And it's never happened in this country. They used it to try and win an election. They're fake cases….&lt;br&gt;…This is the one that weaponized. Not me. She weaponized. I probably took a bullet to the head because of the things that they say about me. They talk about democracy. I'm a threat to democracy. They're the threat to democracy – With the fake Russia Russia Russia investigation that went nowhere.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Responding to Harris‘ statement that he inherited $400 million:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Well, first of all, I wasn't given $400 million. I wish I was. My father was a Brooklyn builder. Brooklyn, Queens. And a great father and I learned a lot from him. But I was given a fraction of that, a tiny fraction, and I built it into many, many billions of dollars. Many, many billions. And when people see it, they are even surprised. So, we don't have to talk about that.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She went out -- she went out in Minnesota and wanted to let criminals that killed people, that burned down Minneapolis, she went out and raised money to get them out of jail. She did things that nobody would ever think of. Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison. This is a radical left liberal that would do this. She wants to confiscate your guns and she will never allow fracking in Pennsylvania. If she won the election, fracking in Pennsylvania will end on day one.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*Because &lt;b&gt;the prices of energy were quadrupling and doubling.&lt;/b&gt; You saw what happened to gasoline. So, they said let’s go back to Trump. But if she won the election, the day after that election, they’ll go back to destroying our country and oil will be dead, fossil fuel will be dead. We’ll go back to windmills and we’ll go back to solar, where they need a whole desert to get some energy to come out. You ever see a solar plant? By the way, I’m a big fan of solar. But they take 400, 500 acres of desert soil— These are not good things for the environment that she understands.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: You were the president. You were watching [the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol] unfold on television. It’s a very simple question as we move forward toward another election. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? Yes or no.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/i&gt;I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. I said, I think it’s going to be big. I went to Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington, D.C. And the mayor put it back in writing, as you know. I said, you know, this is going to be a very big rally or whatever you want to call it. And again, it wasn’t done by me. It was done by others. I said I’d like to give you 10,000 National Guard or soldiers. They rejected me. Nancy Pelosi rejected me. It was just two weeks ago, her daughter has a tape of her saying she is fully responsible for what happened. They want to get rid of that tape. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. &lt;b&gt;I wasn’t responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn’t do her job.&lt;/b&gt;
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Are you now acknowledging that you lost in 2020?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;No, I don’t acknowledge that at all.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: But you did say that.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I said that sarcastically. You know that. It was said, oh we lost by a whisker. That was said sarcastically. Look, there’s so much proof. All you have to do is look at it. And they should have sent it back to the legislatures for approval. I got almost 75 million votes. The most votes any sitting president has ever gotten. I was told if I got 63, which was what I got in 2016, you can’t be beaten. The election, people should never be thinking about an election as fraudulent. We need two things. We need walls. We need — and we have to have it. We have to have borders. And we have to have good elections.&lt;br&gt;Our elections are bad. And a lot of these illegal immigrants coming in, they’re trying to get them to vote. They can’t even speak English. They don’t even know what country they’re in practically. And these people are trying to get them to vote. And that’s why they’re allowing them to come into our country.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: And [many judges] said there was no widespread [election] fraud.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt; No judge looked at it. They said we didn’t have standing. That’s the other thing. They said we didn’t have standing. A technicality. Can you imagine a system where a person in an election doesn’t have standing, the President of the United States doesn’t have standing? That’s how we lost. If you look at the facts, and I’d love to have you — you’ll do a special on it. I’ll show you Georgia and I’ll show you Wisconsin and I’ll show you Pennsylvania and I’ll show you — we have so many facts and statistics. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. Because we have to solve the problem that we have right now. That’s old news. And the problem that we have right now is we have a nation in decline and they have put it into decline. We have a nation that is dying, David
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …And world leaders are laughing at Donald Trump. I have talked with military leaders, some of whom worked with you. And they say you’re a disgrace….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: I’ll give you one minute to respond, Mr. President.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Let me just tell you about world leaders. Viktor Orban, one of the most respected men — they call him a strong man. He’s a tough person. Smart. Prime Minister of Hungary. They said why is the whole world blowing up? Three years ago it wasn’t. Why is it blowing up? He said because you need Trump back as president. They were afraid of him. China was afraid. And I don’t like to use the word afraid but I’m just quoting him. China was afraid of him. North Korea was afraid of him. Look at what’s going on with North Korea, by the way. He said Russia was afraid of him….&lt;br&gt;Look, Viktor Orban said it. He said the most respected, most feared person is Donald Trump. We had no problems when Trump was president. But when this weak pathetic man that you saw at a debate just a few months ago that if he weren’t in that debate he’d be running instead of her, she got no votes, he got 14 million votes, what you did, you talk about a threat to democracy. He got 14 million votes [in the primaries] and they threw him out of office. And you know what? I’ll give you a little secret. He hates her. He can’t stand her…. But he had 14 million votes. They threw them out. She got zero votes. And when she ran, she was the first one to leave because she failed. And now she’s running. I don’t understand it but I’m okay with it – because I think we’re going to do pretty well.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: President Trump, how would you negotiate with Netanyahu and also Hamas in order to get the hostages out and prevent the killing of more innocent civilians in Gaza?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;If I were president it would have never started. If I were president Russia would have never, ever -- I know Putin very well. He would have never -- and there was no threat of it either, by the way, for four years. Have gone into Ukraine and killed millions of people when you add it up.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She hates Israel. &lt;b&gt;If she's president, I believe that Israel will not exist within two years from now. And I've been pretty good at predictions.&lt;/b&gt; And I hope I'm wrong about that one. She hates Israel. At the same time in her own way she hates the Arab population because the whole place is going to get blown up, Arabs, Jewish people, Israel. Israel will be gone. It would have never happened. Iran was broke under Donald Trump. Now Iran has $300 billion because they took off all the sanctions that I had. Iran had no money for Hamas or Hezbollah or any of the 28 different spheres of terror. 
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And I'll get the war with Ukraine and Russia ended. If I'm President-Elect, I'll get it done before even becoming president.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …It is well known that he said of Putin that he can do whatever the hell he wants and go into Ukraine. It is well known when that he said when Russia went into Ukraine it was brilliant….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;They're the ones -- and she's the one that caused it, that's weak on national security by allowing every nation last month for the year, 168 different countries sending people into our country. Their crime rates are way down. Putin endorsed her last week. Said I hope she wins. And I think he meant it. Because what he's gotten away with is absolutely incredible. It wouldn't have happened with me.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: …You have said you would solve this war [in Ukraine] in 24 hours. How exactly would you do that? And I want to ask you a very simple question tonight. Do you want Ukraine to win this war?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I want to get the war settled. I know Zelenskyy very well and I know Putin very well. I have a good relationship. And they respect your president. Okay? They respect me. They don't respect Biden….&lt;br&gt;If I win, when I'm President-Elect, and what I'll do is I'll speak to one, I'll speak to the other, I'll get them together. That war would have never happened. And in fact when I saw Putin after I left, unfortunately left because our country has gone to hell, but after I left when I saw him building up soldiers, he did it after I left, I said oh, he must be negotiating. It must be a good strong point of negotiation. Well, it wasn't because Biden had no idea how to talk to him. He had no idea how to stop it. And now you have millions of people dead and it's only getting worse and it could lead to World War 3. Don't kid yourself, David. We're playing with World War 3. 
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And we have a president that we don't even know if he's -- where is our president? We don't even know if he's a president.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: And just to clarify here.&lt;/I&gt;&lt;br&gt;They threw him out of a campaign like a dog. We don't even know, is he our president? But we have a president…&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: Mr. President,--&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;…that doesn't know he's alive.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …If Donald Trump were president, Putin would be sitting in Kyiv right now….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Putin would be sitting in Moscow and he wouldn't have lost 300,000 men and women. But he would have been sitting in Moscow… But eventually, you know, he's got a thing that other people don't have. &lt;b&gt;He's got nuclear weapons. They don't ever talk about that. He's got nuclear weapons. Nobody ever thinks about that.&lt;/b&gt; And eventually uh maybe he'll use them. Maybe he hasn't been that threatening. But he does have that. Something we don't even like to talk about.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*And that's the kind of talent we have with her. She's worse than Biden. In my opinion, I think he's the worst president in the history of our country. She goes down as the worst vice president in the history of our country. But let me tell you something. She is a horrible negotiator. They sent her in to negotiate. As soon as they left Putin did the invasion.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: [Regarding a peace deal Trump negotiated to end the Afghan War:] He bypassed the Afghan government. He negotiated directly with a terrorist organization called the Taliban. The negotiation involved the Taliban getting 5,000 terrorists, Taliban terrorists released.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;So if you take a look at that period of time, the Taliban was killing our soldiers, a lot of them, with snipers. And I got involved with the Taliban because the Taliban was doing the killing. That's the fighting force within Afghanistan. They don't bother doing that because you know, they deal with the wrong people all the time. But I got involved. And Abdul is the head of the Taliban. He is still the head of the Taliban. And I told Abdul don't do it anymore, you do it anymore you're going to have problems. And he said why do you send me a picture of my house? I said you're going to have to figure that out, Abdul. And for 18 months we had nobody killed. We did have an agreement negotiated by Mike Pompeo. It was a very good agreement. The reason it was good, it was -- we were getting out. We would have been out faster than them, but we wouldn't have lost the soldiers. We wouldn't have left many Americans behind. And we wouldn't have left -- we wouldn't have left $85 billion worth of brand new beautiful military equipment behind. And just to finish, they blew it. The agreement said you have to do this, this, this, this, this, and they didn't do it. They didn't do it. The agreement was, was terminated by us because they didn't do what they were supposed to do.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: …Why do you believe it's appropriate to weigh in on the racial identity of your opponent?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I don't. And I don't care. I don't care what she is. I don't care. You make a big deal out of something. I couldn't care less. Whatever she wants to be is okay with me.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;DAVID MUIR: But those were your words. So, I'm asking --&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I don't know. I don't know. All I can say is I read where she was not Black, that she put out. And, I'll say that. And then I read that she was black. And that's okay. Either one was okay with me. That's up to her. That's up to her.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;KAMALA HARRIS: …Let's remember, this is the same individual who took out a full-page ad in The New York Times calling for the execution of five young Black and Latino boys who were innocent, the Central Park Five. Took out a full-page ad calling for their execution….&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;This is the most divisive presidency in the history of our country. There's never been anything like it. They're destroying our country. And they come up with things like what she just said going back many, many years when a lot of people including Mayor Bloomberg agreed with me on the Central Park Five. They admitted -- they said, they pled guilty. And I said, well, if they pled guilty they badly hurt a person, killed a person ultimately. And if they pled guilty -- then they pled we're not guilty.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;b&gt;I built one of the greatest economies in the history of the world and I'm going to build it again.&lt;/b&gt; It's going to be bigger, better and stronger. But they're destroying our economy. They have no idea what a good economy is. Their oil policies -- every single policy -- and remember this. She is Biden. She's trying to get away from Biden. I don't know the gentleman, she says. She is Biden. The worst inflation we've ever had. A horrible economy because inflation has made it so bad and she can't get away with that.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*She is destroying our country. She has a plan to defund the police. She has a plan to confiscate everybody's gun. She has a plan to not allow fracking in Pennsylvania or anywhere else. That's what her plan is until just recently.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: …So tonight, nine years after you first started running, do you have a [healthcare] plan and can you tell us what it is?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;Obamacare was lousy health care. Always was. It's not very good today. And what I said, that if we come up with something, we are working on things, we're going to do it and we're going to replace it…. And what we will do is we're looking at different plans. If we can come up with a plan that's going to cost our people, our population less money and be better health care than Obamacare, then I would absolutely do it. But until then I'd run it as good as it can be run.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;LINSEY DAVIS: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;I have concepts of a plan. I'm not president right now. But if we come up with something I would only change it if we come up with something better and less expensive. And there are concepts and options we have to do that. And you'll be hearing about it in the not-too-distant future.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Closing Statement:&lt;/i&gt;&lt;br&gt;…We're a failing nation. We're a nation that's in serious decline. We're being laughed at all over the world. All over the world, they laugh, I know the leaders very well. They're coming to see me. They call me. We're laughed at all over the world. They don't understand what happened to us as a nation. We're not a leader. We don't have any idea what's going on. We have wars going on in the Middle East. We have wars going on with Russia and Ukraine. We're going to end up in a third World War. And it will be a war like no other because of nuclear weapons, the power of weaponry. I rebuilt our entire military. She gave a lot of it away to the Taliban. She gave it to Afghanistan. What these people have done to our country, and maybe toughest of all is allowing millions of people to come into our country, many of them are criminals, and they're destroying our country. The worst president, the worst vice president in the history of our country.
**[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024)

*It was 3 on 1, but they were mentally challenged people, against one person of extraordinary genius.
**[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/abc-fake-news-trump-rages-network-under-investigation-after-debate-3-mentally-challenged-people-on-1-extraordinary-genius/ ]

*They didn't correct her [Harris] once and they corrected me. Everything I said, practically, I think 9 times or 11 times. And the audience was absolutely, they went crazy. And the real, I thought, I walked off and I said, 'that was a great debate, I loved it.'
**Regarding the debate audience (which there wasn‘t one), [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-praises-nonexistent-debate-crowd-they-went-crazy-1956251 Donald Trump's Debate Crowd Comment Sparks Confusion: 'They Went Crazy'], ''Newsweek'' (September 19, 2024)

==== October 2024 ====
* We do a lot of these beautiful rallies, and it's so great.  We never have an empty seat, never have. Look at it.
** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rally-videos-empty-seats-1966810 &quot;Donald Trump Rally Videos Show Hundreds of Empty Seats&quot;], ''Newsweek'' (October 10, 2024)

*We have two enemies: We have the outside enemy, and then we have the enemy from within. And the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than China, Russia and all these countries… But the thing that's tougher to handle are these lunatics that we have inside, like Adam Schiff — Adam 'Shifty' Schiff… I call him the enemy from within. When you look at the danger he put our country in potentially with Russia — with a phony, made-up deal that he made up with Hillary and some bad people.
** [https://www.foxnews.com/media/former-president-trump-calls-enemy-within-more-dangerous-any-foreign-entity Former President Trump calls the 'enemy from within' more dangerous than any foreign entity] ''FoxNews'' (October 13, 2024)

*So we’re gonna take care of it, you and me. I’ll tell you, if everything works out and everybody gets out on January 5th, or before. You know, it used to be, you’d have a date. Today, you can vote two months before, probably three months after. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. But we’re gonna straighten it all out. We’re gonna straighten that out, too. We’re gonna straighten out our election process, too. That’s gotta be important also.
**[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/whoops-trump-tells-supporters-to-get-out-and-vote-on-january-5th/ Whoops! Trump Tells Supporters to Get Out and Vote on ‘January 5th’] ''Mediaite'' (October 14, 2024)

*Let’s not do any more questions. Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music. Who the hell wants to hear questions, right?
**[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ar-AA1sha0E Trump sways and bops to music for 39 minutes in bizarre town hall episode] ''The Washington Post'' (October 14, 2024)

* I’m the father of IVF.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/16/politics/fact-check-trump-false-claims-fox-townhall/index.html &quot;Fact check: Trump makes at least 19 false claims in one-hour Fox town hall with women&quot;], ''CNN'' (October 16, 2024)

* [[w:Ashli Babbitt | Ashli Babbitt]] was killed, nobody was killed.
** Claimed about the [[2021 United States Capitol attack| January 6, 2020 United States Capitol attack]].  Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-univision-town-hall-hispanic-voters-audience-reaction-1970402 &quot;Univision Audience Reaction to Donald Trump Answer in Town Hall Goes Viral&quot;], ''Newsweek'' (October 17, 2024)

*Very importantly, you had hundreds of thousands of people come to Washington [on January 6th]. They didn’t come because of me. They came because of the election. They thought the election was a rigged election and that’s why they came. Some of those people went down to the Capitol, I said, peacefully and patriotically, nothing done wrong at all. Nothing done wrong. And action was taken, strong action. Ashli Babbitt was killed. Nobody was killed. There were no guns down there. We didn’t have guns. The others had guns, but we didn’t have guns. And when I say “we” these are people that walk down, this was a tiny percentage of the overall, which nobody sees and nobody shows.&lt;br&gt;But that was a day of love from the standpoint of the millions, it’s like hundreds of thousands. It could have been the largest group I’ve ever spoken before. They asked me to speak. I went and I spoke and I used the term peacefully and patriotically. If you look at the Democrats, what they say, you look at Maxine Waters, and you look at Hillary Clinton and you look at what they say and they don’t put that on. They only put Republicans on, but they couldn’t get me because of the fact that I said, everything’s got to be peaceful and patriotic and we’ll see how it all works out.
**In response to a question about why a voter should support Trump after his role on January 6th [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/trump-town-hall-on-univision Trump Town Hall on Univision] (October 17, 2024)

*Kamala should be investigated and forced off the Campaign, and Joe Biden allowed to take back his rightful place (He got 14 Million Primary Votes, she got none!). THIS WHOLE SORDID AND FRAUDULENT EVENT IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY!
**As it appeared on Truth Social, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-melts-down-in-wild-post-claiming-kamala-harris-should-be-investigated-and-biden-should-be-his-opponent-again/ Trump Melts Down In Wild Post Claiming Kamala Harris ‘Should Be Investigated’ And Biden Should Be His Opponent Again] Mediaite (October 17, 2024)
 
* If we go with Kamala, you won’t have any cows anymore.&lt;br&gt;They want to do things like no more cows and no windows in buildings.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4941581-trump-says-no-cows-under-harris/ &quot;Trump tells child there will be no cows under Harris&quot;], ''The Hill'' (October 18, 2024)

*&lt;i&gt;Howard Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; But when you said, you know, it's gone viral, they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats. But why not say now, well, look, that turned out not to be true.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; I don't know if it's true or not true.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; You don't know if it's true or not true. It's been debunked by the officials.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; What about the goose? The geese? They're all missing. It was one guy with two geese. I have no idea. I said something. The big problem is that you can't put 30,000 people into a 50,000-person town or city and expect this city to even survive or do well. What they've done to Springfield, Ohio, is very, very unfair. And I mean, there are a lot of stories. There are a lot of other stories that I've heard that are horrible stories... Don't don't, you know, blame me.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Kurtz:&lt;/i&gt; Well, I think it's been debunked by local officials.&lt;br&gt;&lt;i&gt;Trump:&lt;/i&gt; I don't think it's been debunked at all. I think nobody talks about it except you.
*If radical left lunatics disrupt the election, it should be very easily handled by — if necessary, by National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military.
**Interview with Fox New host Howard Kurtz in [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-haitians-debunked/ 'It's been debunked': Fox News host fact checks Trump to his face on Springfield Haitians] ''RawStory'' (October 20, 2024) [https://whyy.org/articles/trump-election-2024-kamala-harris-elizabeth-cheney-threat-civil-liberties/ ]

*Comrade Kamala Harris sees that she is losing, and losing badly, especially after stealing the Race from Crooked Joe Biden, so now she is increasingly raising her rhetoric, going so far as to call me Adolf Hitler, and anything else that comes to her warped mind. She is a Threat to Democracy
**[https://nitter.poast.org/realDonaldTrump/status/1849272632237056163#m ]

*I NEED THE KIND OF GENERALS THAT HITLER HAD
**[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/10/trump-military-generals-hitler/680327/ ]
*When Kamala came in, she dismantled our border and threw open the gates to an invasion of criminal migrants. We're a dumping ground. We're like a garbage can for the world. That's what's happened. That's what's happened to our ... We're like a garbage can
**[https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-ripped-saying-america-garbage-can-1974727 ]

*He’d take all the candy away very quickly. She wouldn’t have any idea what happened. It would be like a grand chess master playing a beginner. We would lose our country or be in World War III,because she’d get exasperated. She’s in no way able to handle him. He’s a fierce individual.
**[https://nypost.com/2024/10/24/us-news/trump-says-iranian-regime-wouldnt-have-to-end-if-he-were-president-suggests-peace-could-be-close/?utm_source=twitter&amp;utm_medium=social&amp;utm_campaign=nypost ]
*Now we have income taxes, and we have people that are dying. They're paying tax, and they don't have the money to pay the tax. In the old days … we had so much money, they had to set up committees, blue-ribbon committees, [on] how to spend our wealth. We had no idea how to spend it with so much money. Then we went to the income tax system and the rest is sort of history. But no, there is a way
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people ]
{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* These people should be executed. They are scumbags.
** About whistleblowers and journalists. Attributed by [[John Bolton]] in ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon &amp; Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT290 p. 290] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}}

*Do you still like having sex with your wife? How often? You must have had a better fuck than your wife? Tell me about it. I have girls coming in from [[Los Angeles]] at three o'clock. We can go upstairs and have a great time. I promise.
**Reported by Michael Wolff in [http://web.archive.org/web/20180107223847if_/https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpgpeyVMAAMcS1.jpg ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House''] (5 January 2018)

* I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.
** Reported as being the words of President Trump recorded in a memo that [[James Comey]], FBI Director at the time, wrote shortly after a meeting held in the Oval Office on 14 February 2017, referring to the federal investigation into links to the Russian government of national security adviser, [[Michael T. Flynn]], who had resigned the day before. In a statement, the White House has denied the version of events in the memo. — [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/16/us/politics/james-comey-trump-flynn-russia-investigation.html New York Times (16 May 2017)]
** Comey confirmed under oath his account of Trump's words while [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/08/us/politics/senate-hearing-transcript.html appearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee] (8 June 2017)
** When asked about Comey's testimony during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hplM_DYp-Vk press conference on 9 June 2017], Trump said, &quot;I didn't say that. I will tell you I didn't say that. And there'd be nothing wrong if I did say it according to everybody that I've read today, but I did not say that.&quot;

* Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?
** Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/368576-trump-rips-protections-for-immigrants-from-shithole-countries-in &quot;Trump criticized immigration from 's---hole' countries: report&quot;] (11 January 2018), by Avery Anapol, ''The Hill''. Variant: &quot;Why do we want all these people from shithole countries coming here?&quot; As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/11/politics/trump-rock-bottom/index.html Trump's 'shithole' comment is his new rock bottom], ''CNN'', 12 January 2018. Trump denied making this comment.
*** &quot;The language used by me at the DACA meeting was tough, but this was not the language used.&quot; [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951793123985973248 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018)

*Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They're shithole countries ... We should have more people from Norway.
**[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-immigration-norway/thanks-but-no-thanks-norwegians-reject-trumps-immigration-offer-idUSKBN1F11QK 12 January 2018, per Reuters' source]

*Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out.
**Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-shthole-countries-response-from-haiti-africa-el-salvador/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab8a&amp;linkId=46885064 &quot;'Sh*thole countries' respond to Trump's rhetoric&quot;], ''CBS News''. Trump denied making this comment.
** &quot;Never said anything derogatory about Haitians other than Haiti is, obviously, a very poor and troubled country. Never said &quot;take them out.&quot; Made up by Dems. I have a wonderful relationship with Haitians. Probably should record future meetings - unfortunately, no trust!&quot; [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951813216291708928 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018)

*[B]lack people are too stupid to vote for me.
**As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language &quot;Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private&quot;] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. In a post-2018 midterm press conference, Trump denied making the comment and dismissed Cohen's claims: &quot;That's false&quot; — as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/president-trump-says-never-used-racist-remarks-195529076.html &quot;President Trump says he has 'never used racist remarks'&quot;] (7 November 2018), by Hunter Walker, ''Yahoo News''.

*Name one country run by a black person that's not a shithole... Name one city.
**As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language &quot;Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private&quot;] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. &quot;White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied those comments at the time.&quot;

*Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers .. suckers .. Who were the good guys in this war?
**[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/white-house-decision-cancel-veteran-s-cemetery-france-visit-creates-n934796 Saturday 10 November 2018] two hours before a scheduled 30-minute helicopter ride from Paris to the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery, the visit was cancelled with White House stating a rainy forecast made it too dangerous
**[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/ 3 September 2020] TheAtlantic.com writer [[Jeffrey Goldberg]] stated that &quot;four people with firsthand knowledge of the discussion that day&quot; (Goldberg did not provide any names) that &quot;Trump rejected the idea of the visit because he feared his hair would become disheveled in the rain, and because he did not believe it important to honor American war dead&quot;, and described the two-sentence quote above as part of &quot;a conversation with senior staff members on the morning of the scheduled visit&quot;.
***Goldberg also stated that during the trip (in a separate conversation) that Trump used the term &quot;suckers&quot; to collectively describe the 1800+ marines who died at Belleau Wood, but did not provide any surrounding words (the purported quote was the only word in quotation marks)
***the sentence about &quot;good guys&quot; Goldberg says was stated towards aides (not senior staff members)
****Goldberg did state a number regarding witness count of the other two statements, only for the &quot;losers&quot; one
**[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/donald-trump-the-atlantic-john-mccain-loserstrump-denies-account-of-him-disparaging-u-s-war-dead-mccain 4 September 2020] Trump responded to Goldberg's piece &quot;It’s a total lie. It’s fake news&quot;.
**Trump also [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301893907295371266 tweeted that day]: &quot;The Atlantic Magazine is dying, like most magazines, so they make up a fake story in order to gain some relevance. Story already refuted, but this is what we are up against.&quot;
**press secretary [[Kayleigh McEnany]] also [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/09/04/whs_mcenany_atlantic_report_on_trump_has_been_categorically_debunked_by_witnesses_clearly_fake_news.html on September 4th] stated &quot;The story in the Atlantic has been categorically debunked by eyewitnesses and contemporaneous documents&quot;, quoting two service members:
***&quot;&quot;I was with the president the morning after the scheduled visit. He was extremely disappointed that arrangements could not be made to get him to the site and that the trip had been cancelled. I have worked with the president for his entire administration .. I have never heard him utter a disparaging remark of any kind about our troops.&quot; - Derek Lyons
***&quot;there was a bad weather called in France and that the helicopters were unable to safely make the flight. Overall, the president's support and respect for our American troops past and present is unquestionable&quot; - Dan Walsh
**following Goldberg's piece that same day, [[James LaPorta]] wrote [https://apnews.com/article/b823f2c285641a4a09a96a0b195636ed on AP] &quot;A senior Defense Department official with firsthand knowledge of events and a senior U.S. Marine Corps officer who was told about Trump’s comments confirmed some of the remarks to The Associated Press, including the 2018 cemetery comments.&quot;


{{Disputed end}}

{{misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* I have a really high IQ, Phil. I mean, c'mon. It's impossible for me to not be atheist.
** Attributed by photo meme to an appearance on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. [http://www.snopes.com/trump-donahue-atheist-1989/ According to Snopes.com], there is no evidence he ever said this, nor that he even appeared on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989.

* This has been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever.
** Actual quote was &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl2QShtOwbU NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country.]&quot;

* If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific.
** There is no record of Trump ever saying this; sometimes &quot;''People'' magazine, 1998&quot; is ''incorrectly'' given as the &quot;source&quot; of this quotation — [http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/ snopes.com]; [https://www.truthorfiction.com/donald-trump-said-republicans-are-the-dumbest-group-of-voters/ truthorfiction.com]

* The harder I work, the luckier I get.
** Originated with [[Samuel Goldwyn]] as a paraphrase of a proverb from a collection by Coleman Cox, but similar proverbs have existed since the 16th century. [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/21/luck-hard-work/]

* Life is what you do while you're waiting to die.
** [[w:Fred Ebb|Fred Ebb]], ''[[w:Zorba (musical)|Zorba]]'' (1968)

* People are dying today that have never died before.
** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-quote-never-died-before/ According to Snopes.com], there is no record of Trump saying this.

* The doctors said they've never seen a body kill the Coronavirus like my body. They tested my DNA and it wasn't DNA. It was USA.
** Reportedly said by Trump after he was hospitalized with [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]], following [[w:White House COVID-19 outbreak|an outbreak of the disease in the White House]]; the quote actually originates from an image featuring a fabricated subtitle overlaid on a video released by the President while he was in [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-coronavirus-kill-body/]
	
* My blood IS the vaccine!!!!!	
** Originates from a fabricated screenshot of a tweet allegedly posted on October 5, 2020, the same day Trump was released from [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]] after his diagnosis of [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-my-blood-is-the-vaccine/] The fictitious quote likely refers to the donation of the [[w:blood plasma|blood plasma]] of COVID-19 survivors as a treatment method against catching the disease, a treatment of which Trump has been a vocal supporter. Trump has, however, suggested that he would consider donating his own plasma for this purpose. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-donate-plasma-covid-19-coronavirus/]
 	
{{misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Trump==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by surname.&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;[[#A|A]] · [[#B|B]] · [[#C|C]] · [[#D|D]] · [[#E|E]] · [[#F|F]] · [[#G|G]] · [[#H|H]] · [[#I|I]] · [[#J|J]] · [[#K|K]] · [[#L|L]] · [[#M|M]] · [[#N|N]] · [[#O|O]] · [[#P|P]] · [[#Q|Q]] · [[#R|R]] · [[#S|S]] · [[#T|T]] · [[#U|U]] · [[#V|V]] · [[#W|W]] · [[#X|X]] · [[#Y|Y]] · [[#Z|Z]] · [[#See also|See&amp;nbsp;also]] · [[#External links|External&amp;nbsp;links]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lou Barletta.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump's voice is resonating with average Americans who feel their voice has been lost by their party. I believe this will become a new Republican Party, one that we should embrace. We should be the party of working men and women, the party of America first. ~ [[w:Lou Barletta|Lou Barletta]]]]
[[File:Glenn Beck by Gage Skidmore 3.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump, I really truly [[believe]] is a very [[dangerous]] man. If you listen to the things he said... He has joked about killing reporters. ~ [[Glenn Beck]] ]] 
{{npov}}

=== A ===
[[File:Bashar al-Assad (cropped).jpg|thumb|I don't know him, when I sit with him face-to-face, I can judge him. But I only look at the person on the TV. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]]]]

*We have a commander-in-chief who has never failed to signal his [[xenophobia]], his racism, his bigotry and his hatred. And that will absolutely filter down to the youngest and most impressionable members of our communities.
**[[Stacey Abrams]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/1/31/stacey_abrams_we_have_to_work Interview] with Democracy Now (January 2019)

* The meta-impact of President Trump routinely doing the &quot;[[impossibility|impossible]]&quot; is that it changes how all of us view our world. If Trump can keep doing the impossible, time and time again, why can't we? [...] [D]on't be surprised if 2018 is the year when people all over the world shed their mental prisons and take on the &quot;impossibles&quot; in ways we have never seen. Thanks to President Trump, people everywhere are beginning to recognize the difference between real impossibilities and simple failures of imagination.
** [[Scott Adams]], [http://blog.dilbert.com/2018/01/02/president-trump-changed-imagination/ &quot;How President Trump Changed Your Imagination&quot;] (2 January 2018)

*Trump gives about four months for Syria troop pull-out: NYT
**Aljazeera, [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/01/trump-months-syria-troop-pull-nyt-190101143234181.html 1 January 2019] in response to [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/31/us/politics/trump-troop-withdrawal-syria-months.html?action=click&amp;login=smartlock&amp;auth=login-smartlock 31 December 2019] article by Eric Schmitt and Maggie Haberman of New York Times titled &quot;Trump to Allow Months for Troop Withdrawal in Syria, Officials Say&quot; that says &quot;Trump has agreed to give the military about four months to withdraw the 2,000 United States troops in Syria, administration officials said on Monday&quot;

* I think it's funny because Donald Trump is kind of in the spirit of old Greek tyrants where they used to vote in a guy that had no encumbrances. So the smartest thing about him, which is probably most overlooked, to me, is that he doesn't owe anybody anything and if he would just stick to fixing the bridges, roads and infrastructures that's what he knows how to do...just keep him doing that.
** [[Tim Allen]], as quoted in [http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2016/01/13/tim-allen-says-leans-left-leans-right-and-ends-up-center-right.html &quot;Tim Allen says he leans left, leans right, and ends up 'center right'&quot;] by Blanche Johnson, ''FoxNews.com'' (13 January 2016)

* I think Trump failed to pull off his [[Coup d'état|coup]] because of three enduring weaknesses in his character. First, many high school students know more about how the American government works than he does. He particularly does not understand the way the Constitution’s division of powers, even after all the growth in executive power over the decades, still can check an overreaching president. Thus he seems to have assumed that Republican judges would agree the election had been rigged simply because they were Republicans, when actually they were foremost judges in an independent judiciary bound by precedent, by a duty to see that justice is done, and by a demand for evidence. Similarly, Congress has many ties to executive agencies such as the FBI and the Department of Defense, especially the ties that bind with purse strings, that give it considerable influence in these agencies. &lt;br&gt;Second, organizing something as complicated as a [[Coup d'état|coup d’etat]] takes some serious cognitive chops, and by 2020 Donald Trump had trouble “staying on topic” for even a minute. If he were huddling with a conspirator over, say, control of the U.S. Marshalls during a takeover, he would soon be talking about how windmills kill eagles or the steam catapults on aircraft carriers. His thinking processes were too chaotic to orchestrate a coup. &lt;br&gt;Third, even though Donald Trump convinced millions that he was a self-assured, super-confident, take-charge [[Individualism|individualist]], he has long lacked resolve. He always had the courage of his convictions, which meant he had almost none. He frequently changed positions on important issues, notoriously being swayed by whoever spoke to him last, and his decision-making could be fairly characterized as “Charge ahead impulsively, then quickly retreat.” For example, two days after the networks declared Joe Biden had won the election, Trump signed an executive order commanding the withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan and elsewhere by inauguration day. This surprised everyone at the Pentagon, whose officials immediately pointed out the dangers of precipitate withdrawals. Trump almost never went toe-to-toe with advisors who stood up to him. Instead he just sulked and complained about having “too many lawyers.” Like the executive order Trump signed curtailing military aid to [[South Korea]] that an aide simply took off his desk and deep-sixed, the order about Afghanistan was ignored. &lt;br&gt;'''[[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]] famously said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” and he had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here.” Trump can’t stand the heat, and accordingly he always makes sure the buck stops somewhere else. Like most [[Bullying|bullies]], he usually gets another person to do his dirty work and face all the danger. The mob who attacked the Capitol on January 6th were the latest version of the throngs who bought Trump’s junk bonds in earlier days, taking all the risks, for his benefit, while he watched.'''
** [[Bob Altemeyer]], [https://theauthoritarians.org/lessons-of-the-2020-american-election-january-6th-and-beyond/ &quot;Lessons of the 2020 American Election, January 6th, and Beyond&quot;], October 20, 2021.

* What's more appalling is that huge numbers of those left behind in the wealth transfer genuflected to the new plutocratic class, celebrating the most vicious of the uber- [[Chief executive officer|CEOs]]. This craven CEO-worshipping is still going on today- middle Americans drag themselves home after work in order to gather around the television and watch billionaire assholes like Donald Trump deliver his &quot;You're fired!&quot; line to some desperate, stressed-out [[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]-abee.
** [[Mark Ames]], ''Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond'' (2005), p. 87-88

* He really does remind you of the original Narcissus, the frigid pretty boy of [[Greek myths|Greek myth]] who was mortally smitten by his own reflection. Narcissus is autoerotic; he is self-aroused.
** [[Martin Amis]] [https://harpers.org/archive/2016/08/don-the-realtor/ &quot;Don the Realtor&quot;] ''Harper's Magazine'' (August 2016)

*[[w:Neo-Nazis|We]] support Trump because he is the savior of the [[White people|White race]], sent by God to free us from the shackles of the Jew occupation and establish a 1000 Reich.
** {{w|Andrew Anglin}}, as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-neo-nazis-jews_us_5747397be4b0dacf7ad4480e &quot;Trump's Neo-Nazi And Jewish Backers Are Both Convinced He's Secretly On Their Side&quot;] (26 May 2016), by Jessica Schulberg, ''The Huffington Post''

* Yes, Trump is worse than imperfect. So what? We can lament until we choke the lack of a great [[Statesmanship|statesman]] to address the fundamental issues of our time—or, more importantly, to connect them. Since [[Pat Buchanan]]'s three failures, occasionally a candidate arose who saw one piece: [[Dick Gephardt]] on trade, [[Ron Paul]] on war, [[Tom Tancredo]] on immigration. Yet, among recent political figures—great statesmen, dangerous demagogues, and mewling gnats alike—only Trump-the-alleged-buffoon not merely saw all three and their essential connectivity, ''but was able to win on them''. The alleged buffoon is thus more prudent—more practically wise—than all of our wise-and-good who so bitterly oppose him. This should embarrass them. That their failures instead embolden them is only further proof of their foolishness and hubris.
**{{w|Michael Anton}} (as &quot;Publius Decius Mus&quot;), [http://www.claremont.org/crb/basicpage/the-flight-93-election/ &quot;The Flight 93 Election&quot;], ''The Claremont Institute'' (September 5, 2016) 

* Trump is not the only president in the modern era to have switched sides. [[Ronald Reagan]] famously changed from the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], but the change was driven by principle, and the change stuck. He didn't sway back and forth, again and again. It would be tough for anyone to claim Donald Trump flipped parties on &quot;principle&quot; like Reagan. Some have sought to dig into Trump's ideological evolution, figuring out what changed or who inspired him to become a Republican. I'll spare them the needless waste of effort. Donald Trump became a conservative when it became politically convenient for him. I have no doubt he would have become the raucous rising star of the Democratic Party, too, if that looked like a shorter path to the Oval Office. Either way, he did with his belief system what he did with any Trump product. He outsourced it for low-cost manufacturing to someone else, then slapped his name on it. A handful of hired minions gave him the bare-bones requirements of a &quot;conservative&quot; platform. And he covered it with gaudy gold plating to make it his own.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 97

* Donald Trump has America back on the road to bankruptcy, an area where he has unparalleled expertise for a president of the United States. The small band of fiscal conservatives who remain in the Trump administration warned the president about the eventual dangers of his out-of-control spending addiction. In one such meeting, Trump reportedly said, &quot;Yeah, but I won't be here.&quot; I never heard him say those words, but it doesn't come as a surprise. That's how he thinks. What does he care if the federal government goes belly-up? By then it won't be his problem.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 101

* The president's denial-turned-apathy to Moscow's actions is why America responded with the diplomatic equivalent of a whimper to one of the biggest foreign affronts to our democracy. Of all the failures of Trump's foreign policy, letting Russia off the hook is perhaps the most frustrating. The outgoing Obama administration imposed modest [[United States sanctions|sanctions]] on [[Moscow]], including expelling several dozen alleged Russian agents from the United States, but it left the rest to the incoming White House. Trump was reluctant to take further action that might offend Putin, with whom he hoped to develop a close working relationship. He hesitated to even raise the subject in conversations with the Russian leader, dumbfounding people on the inside. I remember when [[United States Congress|Congress]] sanctioned Russia in summer 2017. Representatives vented their anger over how little the administration had done to hold Russia accountable, so they took matters into their own hands and passed legislation punishing the country. Though he would later take credit for the sanctions in order to claim our administration had been unusually tough on Moscow, Trump in fact was furious. He felt Congress was getting in the way of his goal of a warm friendship with the Kremlin. Russia responded to the sanctions by kicking out hundreds of US embassy staff from their country and seizing US diplomatic compounds. President Trump's response was startling. &quot;I want to thank him because we're trying to cut down on payroll,&quot; Trump told reporters about Putin's move, without a hint of irony. &quot;And as far as I'm concerned, I'm very thankful that he let go a large number of people, because now we have a smaller payroll. There's no real reason for them to go back. So I greatly appreciate the fact that we've been able to cut our payroll of the United States. We'll save a lot of money.&quot;
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 164-165

* Trump's cavalier attitude toward the Russian security threat has had a predictable yet devastating consequence. Moscow has not been deterred from attacking American interests. It has been emboldened. They continue to take advantage of the United States, around the world and on our own soil. Former director of National Intelligence [[Dan Coats]] testified in January 2019 that Russia was still sowing social, racial, and political discord in the United States through influence operations, and several months later, [[Robert Mueller]] said the same. &quot;It wasn't a single attempt,&quot; he testified to Congress. &quot;They're doing it as we sit here. And they expect to do it during the next campaign.&quot; This should be a national scandal, a cause for outrage and action against the Russian government. Instead, it's being ignored where it should matter most- in the Oval Office. Reporters asked Trump about Mueller's assessment days later and quizzed him again on whether he'd pressed Putin on the topic. &quot;You don't really believe this,&quot; he shot back. &quot;Do you believe this? Okay, fine. We didn't talk about it.&quot; Then he boarded Marine One.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167

* As we tried to make sense of Donald Trump's positions or when one of us tried to argue against them, we first had to ask: Why is the president so attracted to autocrats? After a contentious meeting about the president's engagement with a foreign dictator, a top national security aide offered me his take. &quot;The president sees in these guys what he wishes he had: total power, no term limits, enforced popularity, and the ability to silence critics for good.&quot; He was spot on. It was the simplest explanation.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 171

* Mr. Trump is a wild card, but he is likely to sign pro-life measures, and he is seeking advice now from the right people to appoint a plausible successor to [[Antonin Scalia|Justice Scalia]]. In this Guide for the Perplexed, we may find reason to bite our lips and take the Wild Card over the brutal Sure Thing on the other side.
** [[w:Hadley Arkes|Hadley Arkes]], [https://www.thecatholicthing.org/2016/05/04/a-guide-for-the-perplexed/ &quot;A Guide for the Perplexed&quot;], ''The Catholic Thing'' (4 May 2016)

* '''I don't know him, when I sit with him face-to-face, I can judge him. But I only look at the person on the TV,''' you know, on the TV you can manipulate everything, you can...rehearse, you can prepare yourself...
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

* My analysis is that Trump would not be permitted to win. Why do I say that? Because he has had every establishment off his side. Trump does not have one establishment, maybe with the exception of the Evangelicals, if you can call them an establishment. Banks, intelligence, arms companies, foreign money, etc. are all united behind [[Hillary Clinton]]. And the media as well. Media owners, and the journalists themselves.
** [[Julian Assange]], interview with John Pilger; [https://www.rt.com/news/365299-assange-pilger-saudi-clinton/ &quot;Assange: Clinton &amp; ISIS funded by same money, Trump won't be allowed to win&quot;], ''[[w:RT (TV network)|RT.com]]'' (4 November 2016)

* [Trump] is consistent. He is the same person that you see behind the scenes as he is in the public or through the media.
** [[Jacinda Ardern]]  in [https://thespinoff.co.nz/politics/20-08-2020/the-complete-history-of-donald-trump-v-jacinda-ardern/ A brief history of Donald Trump v Jacinda Ardern]

* There is no greater sacrifice than to lay down one's life for their country, and that's the sacrifice that Captain Humayum Khan made fighting to defend our freedom and our constitutional rights. He was a true American hero. The Khan family deserves nothing less than our deepest support, respect, and gratitude, and they have every right to express themselves in any way they choose. I am appalled that Donald Trump would disparage them and that he had the gall to compare his own sacrifices to those of a Gold Star family.
** {{w|Kelly Ayotte}}, statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about Khizr and Ghazala Khan [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/31/khizr-khan-calls-trump-a-black-soul-says-mcconnell-ryan-have-moral-obligation-to-repudiate-him/] (July 31, 2016)

=== B ===
* Attached hereto is a copy of Mr. Trump's birth certificate, demonstrating that he is the son of Fred Trump, not an orangutan.
**Scott Balber, Donald Trump's lawyer, to comedian [[Bill Maher]] (2013), in response to Maher's facetious assertion that he'd pay Trump $5 million dollars upon release of Trump's birth certificate to prove he was not sired by an {{w|orangutan}}. [http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/celebrity-news/my-dad-was-not-an-orangutan-donald-trump-says-in-lawsuit/article8467052/] [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/bill-maher-nukes-trump-over-lawsuit-the-law-is-not-a-toy-for-rich-idiots-to-play-with/]

* Mr Khan, shame on you &amp; #CrookedHillary (Hillary Clinton) for not being truthful to all in attacks at @realDonaldTrump (Donald Trump).
** {{w|Al Baldasaro}}, [https://twitter.com/Al_Baldasaro/status/760122082323795968 Twitter, August 1, 2016]

*Come on. You know it's only socialism when it helps the working class. Farm bailout will primarily help big Ag. (referring to [https://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-trump-farm-bailout-20190528-story.html?outputType=amp ''Los Angeles Times'' article: Rich farmers, not mom-and-pop farms, will collect most of Trump's tariff bailout  (31 May 2019)]  
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball/status/1144018130357882880 ''Twitter Post,'']  (26 June 2019)

*Interesting nugget here as well. @tparsi had been informed by a Hill staffer in touch with the Pentagon that military strikes were imminent. Apparently everyone thought these strikes were really happening right up until the last moment. @esaagar ...  @tparsi also warns that any military strike could easily lead to full blown conflict. &quot;The Idea that there's such a thing as a limited strike on Iran is frankly preposterous.&quot; ... Interview with Head of the National Iranian American Council @tparsi . He told us it would be &quot;political suicide&quot; for any Iranian politician to meet with Trump as long as Bolton/Pompeo are around. @esaagar ... #rising #sanctions #Iran #iranwar
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball ''Twitter Post''],  (24 June 2019)

*Wait... you only thought to ask about how many people would die 10 minutes before the strike??? That's a rather important piece of info to nearly overlook.
**[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball ''Twitter Post''],  (21 June 2019)

*  As Democrats jeer that Trump has merely laid bare the true soul of the GOP, some Republicans wonder, with considerable anguish, whether they're right.
** {{w|Molly Ball}}, ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/08/can-the-republican-party-survive-trumo/402074/ Can the Republican Party Survive Trump?]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (August 24, 2015)

* Viewed through any conventional lens, [[President of the United States|President]]-elect Donald Trump's candidacy was [[improbable]] from start to finish. Today, two things about his [[victory]] seem to be in sharper focus: one, that Trump's victory might best be understood as the success of the country's first [[independent]] [[president]], and second, that the Trump coalition may be even more uniquely his than President [[Barack Obama|Obama]]'s has turned out to be.&lt;br&gt;Trump owes his [[success]] in part to the fact that he ran for president in an environment that favored [[change]] over the [[status quo]]. But his [[luck]] or [[genius]] goes beyond that. It has long been noted that the conditions have existed for an independent candidate to run a serious campaign for president.&lt;br&gt;Trump took the elements of an independent candidacy — the lack of clear [[ideology]], the name recognition of a national [[celebrity]] and the personal [[fortune]] needed to fund a presidential campaign — and then did what no one seemed to have thought of before. He staged a hostile takeover of an existing major party. He had the best of both worlds, an outsider candidacy with crosscutting ideological appeal and the platform of a major party to wage the general election. By the time he had finished, he had taken down two political dynasties: the [[w:Bush family|Bush dynasty]] in the primaries and the [[w:Clinton family|Clinton dynasty]] in the general election.
** [[Dan Balz]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-americas-first-independent-president/2016/11/19/b09e1cc6-ade2-11e6-8b45-f8e493f06fcd_story.html Donald Trump, America's first independent president]'' (November 19, 2016)

* It should not have taken a pandemic to raise these resources. In June 2019, we presented a [[w:Poor_People’s_Moral_Budget|Poor People’s Moral Budget]] to the House Budget Committee, showing that we can meet these needs for this entire country. '''If you had taken up this Moral Budget, we would have already moved towards infusing more than $1.2 trillion into the economy to invest in health care, good jobs, living wages, housing, water and sanitation services and more.&lt;BR&gt;This is not the time for trickle-down solutions. We know that when you lift from the bottom, everybody rises. There are concrete solutions to this immediate crisis and the longer term illnesses we have been battling for months, years and decades before. We will continue to organize and build power until you meet these demands. Many millions of us have been hurting for far too long. We will not be silent anymore.'''&lt;br&gt;With its broad sweep, the [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|COVID-19 pandemic]] has forced us into an unprecedented [[w:State of emergency|national emergency]]. This emergency, however, results from a deeper and much longer term crisis — that of [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and [[w:Inequality in the United States|inequality]], and of a [[w:Society of the United States|society]] that ignores the needs of 140 million people who are poor or a $400 emergency away from being poor.
**[[Rev William Barber II]] in Letter to President [[Donald Trump]], Vice President [[Mike Pence]] and Members of the [[w:116th United States Congress|116th Congress]], ''[https://www.poorpeoplescampaign.org/poverty-amidst-pandemic/ Poverty Amidst Pandemic: A Moral Response to COVID-19]'' (March 19, 2020), co-written with [[Liz Theoharis]], [[Poor People's Campaign: A National Call for a Moral Revival]]

[[File:Interfaith Health Care Vigil 6291113.jpg|thumb|Trump and Pence need to let the people go. They’ve been holding poor and low-wealth people hostage, essential workers hostage. It’s time for a change in this country.  ~ [[Rev. William Barber II]] ]]
*On the issue of the [[Economy of the United States|economy]], I think there couldn’t be a more fundamental difference between Donald Trump and [[Joe Biden]]. Joe Biden believes you measure the health and the strength of America’s economy based on the health and the strength of the American worker and the American family. On the other hand, you have '''Donald Trump, who measures the strength of the economy based on how rich people are doing, which is why he passed a tax bill benefiting the top 1% and the biggest corporations of America, leading to a $2 trillion deficit that the American people are going to have to pay for'''&lt;br&gt;'''Not only will Pence and Trump not acknowledge racism when it comes to police violence, they are not even acknowledging the disparate racism in economics and in healthcare, and... wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy...'''&lt;BR&gt; '''The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts''', they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus.
**[[Rev William Barber II]], quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''DemocracyNow''], (8 October 2020)

*What I saw in [[North Carolina]], what we defeated in North Carolina, what we filed suit against in North Carolina, is now what Trump and Pence are talking about doing on the national level: surgical racism with surgical precision... '''Pence and Trump don’t believe in [[W:Voting Rights Act|the Voting Rights Act]]... They know they cannot win if everybody votes. They are terribly afraid of poor and low-wealth Black and Brown people voting.'''&lt;br&gt;And then stop saying Trump won the last time. He was elected by the Electoral College because of 80,000 votes. We have to end this mythology that he had some kind of superpower. The fact of the matter is, 100 million people did not vote. .. I couldn’t help but go to the [[Book of Exodus]], where it talked about where God said, “If you don’t let my people go, I’m going to cause flies to come as a sign of what’s wrong. But I won’t let the flies be on the people, but the fly will be a symbol that you’re just wrong. You’re lying. Let my people go.” And Trump and Pence need to let the people go. They’ve been holding poor and low-wealth people hostage, essential workers hostage. It’s time for a change in this country.
**[[Rev. William Barber II]]  in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/rev_william_barber_voting_2020 Rev. William Barber on Voter Suppression: Republicans Know They Can’t Win If Everyone Casts a Ballot'], [[w:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']], (8 October 2020)

* '''Donald Trump's voice is resonating with average Americans who feel their voice has been lost by their party. I believe this will become a new Republican Party, one that we should embrace. We should be the party of working men and women, the party of America first.'''
** {{w|Lou Barletta}}, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/03/22/lou-barletta-an-immigration-hard-liner-in-congress-endorses-trump/ &quot;Lou Barletta, an immigration hard-liner in Congress, endorses Trump&quot;] by Robert Costa, ''The Washington Post'' (22 March 2016)

* Orchestrating a mob to pressure [[Congress]] is inexcusable.
** William Barr, Former Attorney General, as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/barr-says-trump-s-conduct-betrayal-presidency-n1253281 &quot;Barr says Trump's conduct is a 'betrayal' of the presidency&quot;] January 7 2021 &lt;i&gt; NBC News &lt;/i&gt;

* You can’t trust him.
* He has no principles. None. None.
* His goddamned tweet and the lying, oh, my God.
* The change of stories. The lack of preparation. The lying. Holy shit.
** [[w:Maryanne Trump Barry|Maryanne Trump Barry]], sister of Donald Trump, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/03/22/lou-barletta-an-immigration-hard-liner-in-congress-endorses-trump/ Trump’s Sister Says He Is a Liar With “No Principles” in Secret Recordings: “You Can’t Trust Him”] by Daniel Politi, ''Slate'' (22 August 2020)

*Iran's actions can hardly be said to have occurred in a vacuum... it has been the recent policy of &quot;maximum pressure&quot; on Tehran under the incoherent foreign policy of the Trump administration that has exacerbated the current tensions... the [[W:United States withdrawal from the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Trump administration has withdrawn]] unilaterally from the internationally agreed – and successful – [[w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) of 2015]]... It is not hard, then, to see how these moves might be viewed in Tehran: as part of an escalating offensive from multiple sources threatening its own home front in a campaign of [[w:economic warfare|economic warfare]] designed to weaken the regime....The depth of the US stake in this increasingly dangerous game is far harder to judge, given the usual confusion of Trump's flip-flopping and the machinations of Bolton...  All of which leaves us to contemplate the most frightening element of all in a complex crisis: that the current occupant of the White House lacks any of the skills required to successfully defuse it.
**[[Peter Beaumont (journalist)|Peter Beaumont]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/14/trump-iran-oil-tanker-attacks  ''Trump's fanned the flames in Iran, now the fire risks getting out of control, The Guardian,''] (14 June 2019)

*When conservatives desperately needed allies in the fight against big government, Donald Trump didn't stand on the sidelines. He consistently advocated that your money be spent, that your government grow, and that your Constitution be ignored... Trump's potential primary victory would provide Hillary Clinton with the easiest imaginable path to the White House. But it's far worse than that. If Donald Trump wins the Republican nomination, there will once again be no opposition to an ever-expanding government. This is a crisis for [[conservatism]]. And, once again, this crisis will not go to waste.
**[[Glenn Beck]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*'''Donald Trump, I really truly believe is a very dangerous man. If you listen to the things he said''' this weekend... 'I could go onto Fifth Avenue and shoot people and I wouldn't lose a vote'. '''He has joked about killing reporters''' — and 'not' killing reporters like [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] does... We don't change with the mood of the country. That is the problem with our country right now. The Constitution is to anchor us in principles that help temper the mood of the country... The mood of the country is very angry, but you never make a good decision when you are angry... The worst thing we can do is to now start looking at, who is going to get revenge? One of the things that Donald Trump does, when you have a guy who is angry and then has an enemies list and starts to just take people down over and over and over again — if you disagree with him, he destroys you. If that is the mood of the country, we are in more trouble than I thought.
**[[Glenn Beck]], [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/25/politics/glenn-beck-donald-trump-dangerous/index.html interview on ''New Day''] (January 2016), ''CNN'', Georgia: Cable News Network 

* '''Trump may be vulgar, Trump may be abrasive, but in terms of racism, corruption, and destruction, he is Mr[[Reagan]]'s true heir. Trump's Republican Party is what it has been at least since the 1980s, only more so.'''
** Larry Beinhart ''[https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/donald-ronald-190811202546763.html Donald and Ronald]'', 12 August 2019, ''{{w|Al Jazeera English}}''.

* &quot;The words from his mouths begin in foolishness, and his talk ends in wicked madness, yet Trump talks on and on.&quot;
** [[w:Shlomo ben David|Shlomo Ben-David]] on [[w:Ro'im Olam|''Ro'im Olam'']], May 12, 2018.

* He does not seem to be able to differentiate between fact and fiction.
** Ben Berzin jr., Midatlantic Bank, quoted by Steven Malanga in [https://www.manhattan-institute.org/html/donald-trump-art-tease-3007.html Donald Trump: The Art of the Tease] (06 April 2011), ''{{w|Manhattan Institute}}''

* The evidence shows: Donald Trump cannot retain an ally, keep a promise, uphold a principle, maintain a story, change a mind or show a heart. 
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preet_Bharara Preet Bharara] on [https://twitter.com/preetbharara/status/917198254923710464?lang=de Twitter] (8 October 2017)

*When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
**[[Joe Biden]] on [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding Trump's April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* In an age of pussified [[political correctness]], you have to respect the people who remain unfiltered.
** {{w|Dan Bilzerian}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/263480-instagram-star-praises-unfiltered-trump &quot;'King of Instagram' praises 'unfiltered' Trump&quot;] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (16 December 2015)

*Donald found out about [Cohn's [[HIV/AIDS|HIV]] diagnosis] and just dropped him like a hot potato. It was like night and day.
** Susan Bell, longtime secretary of Trump's lawyer {{W|Roy Cohn}}, as quoted in [http://theweek.com/speedreads/617343/donald-trump-turned-back-closest-friend-when-heard-aids Donald Trump turned his back on his closest friend when he heard he had AIDS], at ''{{W|The Week}}'', published April 8, 2016 

* Donald Trump was a [[joke]] until nominated, unelectable until elected, incompetent until he succeeded on most fronts, and about to be impeached until he debunked the collusion nonsense; he has had a very [[success]]ful year. His enemies have been weighed in the balance and they have been found wanting. They shall have their reward. 
** [[Conrad Black]], &quot;[http://www.nationalreview.com/article/454754/donald-trump-2017-successful Trump's Whirlwind Year]&quot;, ''National Review'' (December 19, 2017)

* ...it is merely Marxist drivel to think that employers have more power than employees (tell that to Michael Jordan and Jerry Reinsdorf) or landlords than tenants (tell that to the landlord of Bill Gates or Donald Trump).
** [[w:Walter Block|Walter E. Block]], ''The Case for Discrimination'' (2010, Ludwig von Mises Institute) p. 404

*Americans think it would be better to have a businessman than a politician as president, and I sympathize with them. Alas, the only businessmen crazy enough to run for president seem to be, well, crazy. At least [[Ross Perot]] kept his craziness confined mostly to private matters, such as the looming disruption of his daughter's wedding. Donald Trump puts it front and center. From a [[Libertarianism|libertarian]] point of view, and I think serious conservatives and liberals would share this view, Trump's greatest offenses against American tradition and our founding principles are his [[w:Nativism|nativism]] and his promise of one-man rule. Not since [[George Wallace]] has there been a presidential candidate who made racial and religious scapegoating so central to his campaign. Trump launched his campaign talking about Mexican rapists and has gone on to rant about mass deportation, bans on Muslim immigration, shutting down mosques, and building a wall around America. America is an exceptional nation in large part because we've aspired to rise above such prejudices and guarantee life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to everyone.
** {{w|David Boaz}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''

* Where Washington and New York-based GOP leaders pledge outreach to immigrants, moderate Muslims and other [[minorities]], the reality TV star plays more overt racial politics than any national candidate since [[George Wallace]]. Trump's brand of nativist, nationalist isolationism marked the path to victory. 
** Igor Bobic and Ryan Grim, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-south-carolina_us_56c87f72e4b041136f1725b8 &quot;What Donald Trump's Win In South Carolina Says About The Republican Party&quot;] (20 February 2016), ''The Huffington Post''.

* Trump spoke with [[Xi Jinping]] by phone on June 18, ahead of [[w:2019 G20 Osaka summit|2019's Osaka G20 summit]], when they would next meet. Trump began by telling Xi he missed him and then said that the most popular thing he had ever been involved with was making a trade deal with China, which would be a big plus politically. They agreed their economic teams could continue meeting. The [[w:2018 G20 Buenos Aires summit|G20 bilateral]] arrived, and during the usual media mayhem at the start, Trump said, &quot;we've become friends. My trip to Beijing with my family was one of the most incredible of my life.&quot; With the press gone, Xi said this is the most important bilateral relationship in the world. He said that some (unnamed) political figures in the United States were making erroneous judgments by calling for a new cold war, this time between [[China–United States relations|China and the United States]]. Whether Xi meant to finger the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]], or some of us sitting on the US side of the table, I don't know, but Trump immediately assumed Xi meant the Democrats. Trump said approvingly that there was great hostility among the Democrats. He then, stunningly, turned the conversation to the [[2020 United States presidential election|coming US presidential election]], alluding to China's economic capability to affect the ongoing campaigns, pleading with Xi to ensure he'd win. He stressed the importance of farmers, and increased Chinese purchases of soybeans and wheat in the electoral outcome. I would print Trump's exact words, but the government's prepublication review process [[w:Censorship in the United States#Trump administration|has decided otherwise]].
** [[John Bolton]], ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon &amp; Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT202 p. 202] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}}

*Trump... though representing the most reactionary US government in recent memory, paradoxically has also led to an opening to challenge US power. The first reason is that he and his administration are much less disciplined about obscuring their true intentions behind insincere proclamations of benevolent motives. Whereas the [[George W. Bush]] administration in the run up to the Iraq War successfully manufactured consent amongst a large swath of the US public by scaring them over false claims about &quot;[[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]],&quot; the Trump administration doesn't even hide the fact that its foreign policy is motivated by advancing the US economic interests.
**Peter Bolton of ''[[W:CounterPunch|CounterPunch]]'',  [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/06/27/the-failed-venezuelan-coup-and-the-decline-of-us-hegemony/ ''The Failed Venezuelan Coup and the Decline of US Hegemony,''] (27 June 2019) 

* Trump is a [[Fascism|fascist]]. And that's not a term I use loosely or often. But he's earned it.
** [[Max Boot]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-isnt-todays-wendell-willkie-hes-todays-benito-mussolini/2015/12/08/77c81b0c-9ddc-11e5-a3c5-c77f2cc5a43c_story.html ''Twitter''] (2015)

* Republican Party is dead. ... It has been killed by Donald Trump.
* Trump is an ignorant [[demagogue]] who traffics in [[racist]] and [[misogynistic]] slurs and [[crazy]] [[conspiracy theories]]. He champions protectionism and isolationism — the policies that brought us the [[Great Depression]] and [[World War II]]. He wants to undertake a police-state roundup of undocumented immigrants and to bar [[Muslims]] from coming to this country. He encourages his followers to assault protesters and threatens to sue or smear critics. He would abandon [[Japan]] and [[South Korea]] and break up the most successful alliance in [[history]] — {{w|NATO}}. But he has kind words for [[tyrant]]s such as [[Vladimir Putin]]. There has never been a major party nominee in U.S. history as unqualified for the presidency. The risk of Trump winning, however remote, represents the biggest national security threat that the United States faces today.
* I only know one thing for sure: I won't vote for Trump. My hope is that he will lose by a landslide, and the Republican Party will come to its senses, rejecting both his ugly, nativist [[populism]] and the extreme, holier-than-thou conservatism represented by [[Ted Cruz]].
** [[Max Boot]] {{Cite web|url=http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-boot-republicans-in-exile-20160508-story.html|title=The Republican Party is dead|date=May 8, 2016|website=latimes.com|publisher={{w|Los Angeles Times}}}}

* If an unapologetic {{w|ignoramus}} wins the presidency, the consequences will be no laughing matter.
* Donald J. Trump, a presidential candidate who truly is the know-nothing his Republican predecessors only pretended to be ... It is genuinely terrifying that someone who advances such offensive and ridiculous proposals could win the nomination of a party once led by [[Teddy Roosevelt]], who wrote more books than Mr. Trump has probably read. It's one thing to appeal to voters by pretending to be an average guy. It's another to be an average guy who doesn't know the first thing about governing or public policy. The Trump acolytes claim it doesn't matter; he can hire experts to advise him. But experts always disagree with one another and it is the president alone who must make the most difficult decisions in the world. That's not something he can do since he lacks the most basic grounding in the issues and is prey to fundamental misconceptions.
** [[Max Boot]] {{Cite web|url=http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/01/opinion/how-the-stupid-party-created-donald-trump.html|title=How the ‘Stupid Party' Created Trump|date=August 2, 2016|website=nytimes.com|publisher={{w|The New York Times}}}}

* As media scramble to figure out Trump's evolving position on [[immigration]], remember he cares *only* about feeding his ego. Policy irrelevant.
** [[Max Boot]], [https://twitter.com/MaxBoot/status/767160352262029312 Twitter, August 20, 2016]

* The GOP base is clearly disgusted and looking for new leadership. Enter Donald Trump, not just with policy prescriptions that challenge the cynical GOP leadership but with an attitude of disdain for that leadership—precisely in line with the sentiment of the base. Many conservatives are relishing this, but ah, the rub. Trump might be the greatest charlatan of them all.
** [[w:L. Brent Bozell III|L. Brent Bozell III]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* It was spring, four years ago. Donald and Ivana Trump were seated at opposite ends of their long Sheraton table in Mrs. Marjorie Merriweather Post's former dining room. They were posed in imperial style, as if they were a king and queen. They were at the height of their ride, and it was plenty glorious. Trump was seen on the news shows offering his services to negotiate with the Russians. There was talk that he might make a run for president. Ivana had had so much publicity that she now offered interviewers a press kit of flattering clips. Anything seemed possible, the Trumps had grown to such stature in the golden city of New York.
** [[w:Marie Brenner|Marie Brenner]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner/amp &quot;After the Gold Rush&quot;] (1 September, 1990), ''Vanity Fair''

*The [[Christian right|religious Right]] is the latest version of an old model of [[Politics of the United States|American politics]], variously incarnated by [[Puritanism|Puritans]], [[Abolitionism|abolitionists]], and [[William Jennings Bryan]]. It, like its predecessors, has argued that America and individual Americans need to have a godly or at least moral character to thrive. Now the religious Right adores [[w:Donald Trump|a thrice-married cad and casual liar]]. But it is not alone. Historians and psychologists of the martial virtues salute the bone-spurred draft-dodger whose Khe Sanh was not catching the clap. Cultural critics who deplored academic fads and slipshod aesthetics explicate a man who has never read a book, not even the ones he has signed. Followers of [[Harry V. Jaffa|Harry Jaffa]], the most important [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] scholar of the last 60 years, rally round a Republican who does not know why the [[American Civil War|Civil War]] happened. Straussians, after leaving the cave, find themselves in Mar-a-Lago. Econocons put their money on a serial bankrupt.
**[[w:Richard Brookhiser|Richard Brookhiser]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2018/02/17/william-f-buckley-trump-conservatism-needs-rebuilding/ &quot;WFB Today&quot;] (16 February 2018), ''National Review''

* Donald Trump betrays. It can start with Trump University, where Trump betrayed schoolteachers and others who dreamed of building a better life for themselves.
** [[David Brooks]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/04/opinion/donald-trump-the-great-betrayer.html?rref=opinion &quot;Donald Trump, the Great Betrayer&quot;] (4 March 2016), ''The New York Times''

* Donald Trump just has more courage. Whatever you might think of him, and I don't think much of him, but he has more courage than his opponents... He's a marketing genius who offers no substance. And people either got pushed into [[w:Subprime loans|subprime loans]] by [[w:Trump Mortgage|Trump Mortgage]], or they got suckered into racking up huge [[w:Credit card debt|credit card debt]] to buy courses on [[w:Trump University|Trump University]], and they were left high and dry when those things went belly up. And so that's a story that I think can be told. In a country which is feeling betrayed, he is a mass and serial betrayer... Given the numbers now, it's very hard to see he could win, given the huge numbers of Americans, the vast majority of Americans who say they could not support the guy. And I still find it hard to believe that somebody as policy-thin and as knowledge-thin would very well — he might be able to wear well with the electorate that we have.
** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-the-gop-push-to-stop-trump/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on the GOP push to stop Trump&quot;] (4 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

* Are we really here? Is this really happening? Is this America? Are we a great country talking about trying to straddle the world and create opportunity in this country? It's just mind-boggling. And we have sort of become acculturated, because this campaign has been so ugly. We have become acculturated to sleaze and unhappiness that you just want to shower from every 15 minutes. The Trump comparison of the looks of the wives, he does have, over the course of his life, a consistent misogynistic view of women as arm candy, as pieces of meat. It's a consistent attitude toward women which is the stuff of a diseased adolescent. And so we have seen a bit of that show up again. But if you go back over his past, calling into radio shows bragging about his affairs, talking about his sex life in public, he is childish in his immaturity. And his — even his [[misogyny]] is a childish misogyny. And that's why I do not think Republicans, standard Republicans, can say, yes, I'm going to vote for this guy because he's our nominee. He's of a different order than your normal candidate. And this whole week is just another reminder of that... The odd thing about his whole career and his whole language, his whole world view is there is no room for love in it. You get a sense of a man who received no love, can give no love, so his relationship with women, it has no love in it. It's trophy. And his relationship toward the world is one of competition and beating, and as if he's going to win by competition what other people get by love. And so you really are seeing someone who just has an odd psychology unleavened by kindness and charity, but where it's all winners and losers, beating and being beat. And that's part of the authoritarian personality, but it comes out in his attitude towards women.
** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-trump-cruz-wife-feud-isis-terror-in-brussels/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on Trump-Cruz wife feud, ISIS terror in Brussels&quot;] (25 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

* You need to be an outsider to be a change agent. There's only one person who can do that. And that is Donald Trump.
** {{w|Scott Brown}} endorsing Donald Trump, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/267988-brown-trump-is-the-agent-of-change-to-fix-washington &quot;Brown: Trump is the ‘agent of change' to fix Washington&quot;] by Elliot Smilowitz, ''The Hill'' (2 February 2016)

*a wartime president, with blue states, rather than any foreign nation, as the enemy.
**[[Ron Brownstein]] attributed in ''The Cruelty is the Point'' by [[Adam Serwer]] (2021), p 228

* Trump is sui generis, unlike any candidate of recent times. And his success is attributable not only to his stance on issues, but to his persona, his defiance of [[political correctness]], his relish of political combat with all comers, his &quot;damn the torpedos&quot; charging in frontally where others refuse to tread...
** [[Pat Buchanan]] — [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/01/12/pat-buchanan-believes-donald-trump-is-the-future-of-the-republican-party/ &quot;Pat Buchanan says Donald Trump is the future of the Republican Party&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (12 January 2016)

*When he looks at a glass, he is mesmerized by its reflection. If Donald Trump were shaped a little differently, he would compete for Miss America.
**[[William F. Buckley]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2018/02/17/william-f-buckley-trump-conservatism-needs-rebuilding/ &quot;WFB Today&quot;] (16 February 2018), by [[w:Richard Brookhiser|Richard Brookhiser]], ''National Review''

* I do not support Trump, and believe he would be a disastrous president and {{w|commander in chief}}.&lt;br&gt;Trump has no coherent [[organizing]] economic philosophy, spent decades acting like and supporting traditional [[liberal]] [[Democrats]], has repeatedly shifted his positions on major issues and has little more trust from economists than he has earned among the general electorate.&lt;br&gt;Trump is that he is a {{w|crony capitalist}}, who now states that he supported the Clintons and other liberals with donations for so long because he wanted to obtain influence with them while they were in [[power]]. He has led several businesses to [[bankruptcy]]. He has called himself the &quot;king of debt,&quot; a description that [[Gary Johnson|Johnson]] or [[Ron Paul|Paul]] and other leading libertarians would never use to describe themselves. ... The viewpoints offered by Trump seem to change like the leaves that change their colors when summer gives way to fall. ... Can anyone suggest we know what Trump will believe tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow?
** [[Brent Budowsky]], ''[http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/291092-why-libertarian-gary-johnson-must-be-included-in Why Libertarian Gary Johnson must be included in debates]'', ''[[w:The Hill (newspaper)|The Hill]]'' (August 11, 2016)

* He is his own art installation he is his own performance of himself, I don't know what else I can spin other than wonder, you know, who that 5-year old boy was and what his dad was telling him
** [[Bo Burnham]] on  [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbPxMsOKQ5o video (4:30)] (Writers Roundtable: [[John Krasinski]], Bo Burnham, [[Tamara Jenkins]], [[Peter Farrelly]], [[Eric Roth]] | Close Up) posted February 11, 2019

* The President bears responsibility for today’s events by promoting the unfounded conspiracy theories that have led to this point.  It is past time to accept the will of American voters and to allow our nation to move forward.
** Richard Burr, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/533034-richard-burr-says-trump-bears-responsibility-for-riot &quot;GOP senator says Trump 'bears responsibility' for Capitol riot&quot;] 7 January 2021 &lt;i&gt; The Hill &lt;/i&gt;

* And we, all of us, the Jews, helped them get there.
** [[Bradley Burston]], ''[http://www.haaretz.com/world-news/u-s-election-2016/1.752064 Trump's Win, the Greatest Victory for anti-Semitism in America Since 1941]'', ''{{w|Haaretz}}'' (10-11-2016)

* It’s difficult to say that the [[prosperity gospel]] itself led to Donald Trump’s inauguration. Again, only 17 percent of American Christians identify with it explicitly. It’s far more true, however, to say that the same cultural forces that led to the prosperity gospel’s proliferation in America — individualism, an affinity for ostentatious and charismatic leaders, the [[Protestant work ethic]], and a cultural obsession with the power of “positive thinking” — shape how we, as a nation, approach politics. 
** Tara Isabella Burton, [https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/9/1/15951874/prosperity-gospel-explained-why-joel-osteen-believes-prayer-can-make-you-rich-trump “The prosperity gospel, explained: Why Joel Osteen believes that prayer can make you rich”], ''Vox'', (Sep 1, 2017)

*two years into the Trump administration it was obvious to people why we needed unapologetic progressives in the House. The vile, white supremacist, sexist, bigoted Trump administration spewed lies, targeted Black and brown women elected officials, made a mockery of our democracy, and emboldened fascists. 
**[[Cori Bush]] The Forerunner: A Story of Pain and Perseverance in America (2022) p 227

* '''He's an ass.'''
** [[George H. W. Bush]] in 2011 interviewed by [[Maureen Dowd]] of ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'' ({{cite news |first=Maureen |last=Dowd |authorlink=Maureen Dowd |date=December 2, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |title=The Patrician President and the Reporterette: A Screwball Story |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/02/opinion/george-hw-bush-maureen-dowd.html |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]}}; {{cite news |url=https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/05/politics/presidents-club-trump-bush-funeral/index.html |agency=[[w:CNN|CNN]] |title=Uneasy presidents club convenes at Bush funeral |first1=Kevin |last1=Liptak |first2=Jeff |last2=Zeleny |authorlink2=w:Jeff Zeleny |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018}}; {{cite news |title=George W. Bush Eulogizes 'Best Father' at Solemn State Funeral |magazine=[[w:Fortune (magazine)|Fortune]] |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |agency=[[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg News]] |url=http://fortune.com/2018/12/05/george-hw-bush-eulogy-funeral/}}; {{cite news |title=George W. Bush Eulogizes ‘Best Father' at Solemn State Funeral |first=Jennifer |last=Epstein |date=December 5, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |agency=[[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg News]] |url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-12-05/trump-bush-family-set-aside-mutual-disdain-for-state-funeral}}; {{cite book |title=The Year of Voting Dangerously: The Derangement of American Politics |first=Maureen |last=Dowd |authorlink=Maureen Dowd |publisher=[[w:Grand Central Publishing|Grand Central Publishing]] |year=2016 |isbn=9781455539246}}; {{cite news |title=Trump breaks character in show of respect for George H.W. Bush |newspaper=[[w:Newsday|Newsday]] |first1=William |last1=Goldschlag |first2=Dan |last2=Janison |date=December 3, 2018 |accessdate=December 10, 2018 |url=https://www.newsday.com/long-island/politics/trump-bush-mueller-china-nafta-1.24156908}})

* '''We've seen nationalism distorted into nativism – forgotten the dynamism that [[immigration]] has always brought to America. We see a fading confidence in the value of [[Free market|free markets]] and international trade – forgetting that conflict, instability, and poverty follow in the wake of [[w:Protectionism|protectionism]].'''
** [[George W. Bush]], indirectly referencing Trump, [https://www.npr.org/2017/10/19/558788556/george-w-bush-slams-bigotry-politics-of-populism-that-led-to-trump-sanders &quot;George W. Bush Slams 'Bigotry,' Politics Of Populism That Led To Trump, Sanders&quot;], ''[[w:NPR|NPR]]'', (October 19, 2017)

* Whatever his views are this morning, they might change this afternoon, and they were different than they were last night, and they'll be different tomorrow. ... They seem to be ever, ever-changing, depending on what crowd he's in front of. Sounds like a typical politician, by the way, where you get in front of one crowd and say one thing, and then say something else to another crowd that may want to hear a different view. All the things that Donald Trump railed against, he seems to be morphing into — it's kind of disturbing. ... He doesn't believe in things, this is all a game.
** [[Jeb Bush]], about Trump's views — ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/jeb-bush-says-hes-not-buying-the-trump-immigration-shift?utm_term=.xtWW3bwaw#.iaPobDJKJ Jeb Bush Says He's Not Buying The Trump Immigration Shift]'', ''{{w|BuzzFeed}}'' (August 25, 2016)

*Donald Trump Is Bad for Israel via @NYTimes. Hopefully our President will reverse his decision to abandon [[Syria]].
**[[Jeb Bush]] on [https://twitter.com/jebbush/status/1078111467558313984 26 December 2018]

* [[Donald Trump]] destroyed the Reagan Republican paradigm in 2016, but he didn’t exactly elucidate a new set of ideas, policies, and alliances. Trump’s devastation of the old order produced a grand struggle on the right to build a new one on Trumpian populist lines. &lt;br&gt;The NatCons are wrong to think there is a unified thing called “the left” that hates America. This is just the apocalyptic menace many of them had to invent in order to justify their decision to vote for Donald Trump. &lt;br&gt;They are wrong, too, to think there is a wokeist Anschluss taking over all the institutions of American life. For people who spend so much time railing about the evils of social media, they sure seem to spend an awful lot of their lives on [[Twitter]]. Ninety percent of their discourse is about the discourse. Anecdotalism was also rampant at the conference—generalizing from three anecdotes about people who got canceled to conclude that all of American life is a woke hellscape. They need to get out more. ** [[David Brooks]], as quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/scary-future-american-right-national-conservatism-conference/620746/ The Terrifying Future of the American Right (18 November 2021), ''The Atlantic'']

* In 1995, when he offered this company, if a monkey had thrown a dart, at the stock page, the monkey on average would've made 150 percent. But the people that believed in him, who listened to his siren song, ended up losing well over 90 cents in the dollar. They got back less than a dime.
** [https://www.reuters.com/article/usa-election-buffett-idCNW1N1A004G Warren Buffett]

=== C ===
[[File:Donald Trump supporters (25218962886).jpg|thumb|They love him in spite of everything they've heard. They love him, often, in spite of himself. They're not deluded. They know exactly who Trump is. They love him anyway. They love Donald Trump because no one else loves them. ~ [[Tucker Carlson]]]]

* Hillary is stealing America, whereas Donald Trump is trying to save our society.
** [[Herman Cain]], on &quot;{{w|Hannity}}&quot; (29 July 2016) [http://www.foxnews.com/transcript/2016/07/29/reince-priebus-reality-will-catch-up-with-hillary-clinton-gorka-dnc-has-been/ transcript]

*If this guy pretends that closing the borders to anywhere either for trade (or) for people is going to provide prosperity to the United States, he is completely crazy... He is not very well informed.
** [[w:Felipe Calderón|Felipe Calderón]], [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/02/08/mexico-wont-pay-single-cent-for-trumps-stupid-wall.html interview with CNBC] (6 February 2016).

* If he came to visit [[United Kingdom|our country]], I think he would unite us all against him.
** [[David Cameron]], as quoted in [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/01/18/politics/donald-trump-uk-united-kingdom-ban/index.html &quot;Donald Trump debate: Could UK really ban him?&quot;] (18 January 2016), by Max Foster, ''CNN'', [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]]: Cable News Network

* He's a talker, a boaster, a booster, a compulsive self-promoter. At times, he's a full-blown BS artist.
** [[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in ''[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-tucker-carlson-fox-news-liar-inauguration-election-a9222061.html Fox News host Tucker Carlson admits media is right about Trump's lying: 'He's a full-blown BS artist']'' by Conrad Duncan, 28 November 2019, ''{{w|The Independent}}''

* You can regularly say embarrassing things on [[television]], you can hire [[Omarosa Manigault Newman|Omarosa]] to work at the White House. All of that will be forgiven if you protect your people. But if you do not protect them... then you’re done.
** [[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in ''[https://www.thedailybeast.com/tucker-carlson-blames-jared-kushner-for-trumps-protest-catastrophe Tucker Carlson Blames Jared Kushner for Trump’s Protest Catastrophe]'' by Justin Baragona, ''Daily Beast'' (June 1, 2020)

* Millions of Americans sincerely love Donald Trump. '''They love him in spite of everything they've heard. They love him, often, in spite of himself. They're not deluded. They know exactly who Trump is. They love him anyway. They love Donald Trump because no one else loves them.''' The country they built, the country their ancestors fought for over hundreds of years, has left them to die in unfashionable little towns, mocked and despised by the sneering halfwits with finance degrees -- but no actual skills -- who seem to run everything all of a sudden. Whatever Donald Trump's faults, he is better than the rest of the people in charge. At least he doesn't hate them for their weakness. Donald Trump, in other words, is and has always been a living indictment of the people who run this country. That was true four years ago when he came out of nowhere to win the presidency. And it's every bit as true right now, maybe even more true than it's ever been. It will remain true regardless of whether Donald Trump wins reelection.
**[[Tucker Carlson]], as quoted in {{citation|date=November 2, 2020|first=Tucker|last=Carlson|periodical=Fox News|url=https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/tucker-carlson-2020-election-trump-supporters-love-him|title=Tucker Carlson: Why Donald Trump's supporters love him so much}}; {{citation|date=November 2, 2020|first=Christina|last=Zhao|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/tucker-carlson-says-millions-americans-love-donald-trump-because-no-one-else-loves-them-1544219|title=Tucker Carlson Says Millions of Americans Love Donald Trump 'Because No One Else Loves Them'}}

* I've come to know Donald Trump, he is actually a very intelligent man who cares deeply about America.
** [[Ben Carson]] endorsing Donald Trump, as quoted in [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/politics/6994118/He-is-actually-a-very-intelligent-man-Former-candidate-Ben-Carson-endorses-Donald-Trump.html &quot;'He is actually a very intelligent man'; Former candidate Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump&quot;] by Alain Tolhurst, ''The Sun'' (11 March 2016)

* The American people are smart enough to pick a new administration if they don’t like the old one. And they just did.
* He was removed by the voters.
** Bruce Castor, lawyer for Trump, said after Trump lost the 2020 election, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-02-09
 | title = WATCH: Lawyer for Trump concedes he lost election during impeachment trial
 | newspaper = PBS News Hour
 | url = https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/watch-lawyer-for-trump-concedes-he-lost-election-during-impeachment-trial
}}

*Trump hit the established world of American politics like a rogue wave, obliterating almost all political precedent. He'd begun his campaign by suggesting that most undocumented Mexican immigrants were rapists and murderers, then later accused an American-born federal judge who was presiding over fraud claims against Trump University of being unable to do his job because of his Mexican heritage.
**[[Julian Castro]] ''An Unlikely Journey: Waking Up from My American Dream'' (2018)

*what I think is important for folks to realize out there — and now I’m speaking, you know, directly to the Latinx community — is that it’s night and day with Joe Biden versus Donald Trump. Donald Trump has been the cruelest, most ill-intentioned president when it comes to not only immigrants, migrants, but the broader Latino community, scapegoated the community, otherized the community, uses it as a political piñata. And Joe Biden is somebody who brings compassion, who brings understanding, and, most importantly — because what you want to judge politicians on is, OK, what are you going to do, and what is your track record — has a track record of expanding opportunity, with Barack Obama. The Affordable Care Act expanded healthcare to 4 million — more than 4 million Latinx folks in this country. On educational opportunity, on violence against women, on housing opportunity. I remember going to [[Delaware]] with him — I think it was Veterans Day of 2016 — and marking the effective end of veteran homelessness there in Wilmington, and seeing how much that meant to him. So, this is somebody that is going to work to make life better for everybody in this country, in a way that Donald Trump — as Michelle Obama pointed out, Donald Trump just isn’t up to it and doesn’t want to do it.
**[[Julian Castro]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/8/18/julian_castro_dnc_latinx_representation Interview] with Democracy Now (August 2020)

* Okay, look, this is weird. Because a lot of people on both sides are saying there's nothing funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus. And those people are obviously wrong. There's a lot funny about this. Maybe not from a moral standpoint. But mathematically, if you were constructing a joke, this has all the ingredients you need. The problem is, it’s almost too funny. Like, it’s so on the nose. It would be like if I were making fun of people who wear belts and my pants just immediately fell down.
** [[Michael Che]] on ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'', October 3, 2020, quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2020/10/04/snl-premiere-trump-covid-jim-carrey-joe-biden/ &quot;SNL premiere does not hold back on jokes about Trump’s coronavirus diagnosis: ‘It’s almost too funny’&quot;], ''The Washington Post''.

* [[Trump]] probably met discharge requirements Sunday
** [[w:Sean Conley|Dr Sean Conley]] (Physician to the President) via [https://www.cnbc.com/video/2020/10/05/dr-conley-trump-probably-met-discharge-requirements-sunday.html cnbc video]on October 5, 2020

*The myriad vulgarities of Donald Trump—examples of which are retailed daily on Web sites and front pages these days—are not news to those of us who have been living downwind of him for any period of time. I first encountered Trump more than 30 years ago. Back then he was a flashy go-getter from an outer borough eager to make his name in [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]] real estate. Which he succeeded in doing in the only way he knew how: by putting his name in oversize type on anything he was associated with—buildings, yes, but also [[vodka]], golf courses, starchy ties, and even a sham of a [[Real estate|real-estate]] school... Just to drive him a little bit crazy, I took to referring to him as a &quot;short-fingered vulgarian&quot; in the pages of ''Spy'' magazine. That was more than a quarter of a century ago. To this day, I receive the occasional envelope from Trump. There is always a photo of him—generally a tear sheet from a magazine. On all of them he has circled his hand in gold Sharpie in a valiant effort to highlight the length of his fingers.
** {{w|Graydon Carter}}, [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/10/graydon-carter-donald-trump &quot;Why Donald Trump Will Always Be a &quot;Short-Fingered Vulgarian&quot;], ''Vanity Fair'' (November 2015)

* I think I would choose Trump, which may surprise some of you, but the reason is Trump has proven already that he's completely malleable. I don't think he has any fixed opinions that he would really go to the White House and fight for. [[Ted Cruz]] is not malleable. He has {{w|far right-wing}} policies, in my opinion, that would be pursued aggressively if and when he would become president.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] to the {{w|House of Lords}}, when asked about the {{w|2016 United States presidential election}}. As quoted in ''[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jimmy-carter-i-would-choose-donald-trump-over-ted-cruz/ Jimmy Carter: I would choose Donald Trump over Ted Cruz]'' (February 3, 2016) by Stephanie Condon, ''{{w|CBS News}}''

* I think the media have been harder on Trump than any other president certainly that I’ve known about, I think they feel free to claim that Trump is mentally deranged and everything else without hesitation.
** [[Jimmy Carter]], as quoted in [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2017/10/22/jimmy-carter-media-has-been-harder-trump-than-predecessors/788558001/ &quot;Jimmy Carter: The media has been harder on Trump than predecessors&quot;] by David Jackson, ''[[w:USA Today|USA Today]]'', (October 22, 2017)

*At times he is extremely abrasive. I know that's kind of his campaign, but I think time will tell, he's already locked up in some controversial business and it certainly doesn't speak proudly for America that the person who sits in the Oval Office is involved in controversy, so that's never a good thing, but time will tell, a man's legacy is defined by time.
** [[John Cena]], as quoted in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-4642784/If-John-Cena-got-ring-Donald-Trump.html &quot;If John Cena 'got in the ring' with Donald Trump&quot;] by Alex Michael, ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' (27 June 2017)

*I can no longer in good conscience endorse this person for president. {{W|Donald Trump and Billy Bush recording|It}} is some of the most abhorrent and offensive comments that you can possibly imagine. My wife and I, we have a 15-year-old daughter, and if I can't look her in the eye and tell her these things, I can't endorse this person.
** {{w|Jason Chaffetz}}, [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/10/08/jason_chaffetz_pulls_trump_endorsement_because_he_has_a_15_year_old_daughter.html Jason Chaffetz Pulls Trump Endorsement Because He Has a 15-Year-Old Daughter] (October 2016)

*We're all tying ourselves in knots about what Donald Trump said about Mexicans... Just as [[Dylann Roof]] doesn't represent [[white people]], Mexican rapists don't represent anyone other than themselves either... While I like a good brawl as much as the next person, it seems that Trump is the answer only if the question is: Why can't we get more oafish egomaniacs into politics? Just when the Republican Party needs finesse and sensitivity when discussing immigration; just when it needs to focus on issues that unite all sectors of the electorate, including Hispanic and Asian voters; it gets a blowhard with all the nuance of a grenade... Trump's smear about [[Mexican Americans|Mexican immigrants]] was about as far away as you can get from Ronald Reagan... He tarred most Mexican immigrants as drug dealers, criminals, and rapists, allowing only as an afterthought that some may be good people. He claimed to have discussed the matter with border guards. Would those officers please step forward? In any case, crude and vulgar people always preen that they are brave truth tellers.
** {{w|Mona Charen}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/420974/donald-trump-immigration-controversy-helps-democrats &quot;The Trump Sideshow Plays Right into Democrats' Hands&quot;] (10 July 2015), ''{{w|National Review}}''

*Put aside for a moment Trump's countless past departures from conservative principle on defense, racial quotas, abortion, taxes, single-payer health care, and immigration. That's right. In 2012, he derided Mitt Romney for being too aggressive on the question, and he's made extensive use of illegal-immigrant labor in his serially bankrupt businesses. The man has demonstrated an emotional immaturity bordering on personality disorder, and it ought to disqualify him from being a mayor, to say nothing of a commander-in-chief. Trump has made a career out of egotism, while conservatism implies a certain modesty about government. The two cannot mix... When a con man swindles you, you can sue—as many embittered former Trump associates who thought themselves ill used have done. When you elect a con man, there's no recourse.
** {{w|Mona Charen}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''.

*It seems, at times, as though your administration’s approach has more in common with Obama’s foreign policy than traditional Republican foreign policy.
** [[Dick Cheney]], speaking to Mike Pence, [https://www.politico.com/story/2019/03/11/cheney-mike-pence-foreign-policy-1216663 &quot;Cheney grills Pence on Trump's foreign policy&quot;], ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'', (March 11, 2019)

* In our nation’s 248-year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump.  He tried to steal the last election using lies and violence to keep himself in power after the voters had rejected him. He can never be trusted with power again.&lt;br&gt;As citizens, we each have a duty to put country above partisanship to defend our Constitution.  That is why I will be casting my vote for Vice President Kamala Harris.
** [[Dick Cheney]], quoted in [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dick-cheney-voting-kamala-harris_n_66db4cf4e4b07b62af62c35a &quot;Dick Cheney Is Voting For Kamala Harris&quot;], ''Huffington Post'' (September 6, 2024)

* I don't believe that he should be playing a role in the future of the party or the country.
** [[Liz Cheney]], House GOP Conference Chair, R-Wyo., the third-ranking House Republican, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/awkward-moment-house-republican-leaders-clash-trump-speaking/story?id=76090236 &quot;Awkward moment as House Republican leaders clash over Trump speaking at CPAC&quot;], Benjamin Siegel, ABC News (24 February 2021)

*President Trump has built the most powerful and most professional team in political history and, under his leadership, has overcome every single obstacle in his way. From the illegal witch-hunts to the weaponization of the justice system to an assassination attempt to the political coup of replacing Biden, the enemies of America will stop at nothing to prevent President Trump from returning to the White House. 
**Steven Cheung, Trump campaign spokesman, as quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-and-his-campaign-enter-turbulent-phase-in-final-weeks/ar-AA1qXkYW Trump and his campaign enter turbulent phase in final weeks], ''The Washington Post'' (September 21, 2024)

* It's pretty easy to tell if a picture of Donald Trump is AI-Generated, okay? Here's the trick: If Donald Trump is in a picture and looks completely insane, then it's a real picture.
** [[Ronny Chieng]], ''[[The Daily Show]]'' (5 March 2024)

*'''[President Trump] is perfectly right when he says we should have better relations with [[Russia]]'''. Being dragged through the mud for that is outlandish... 
** [[Noam Chomsky]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/7/27/noam_chomsky_on_mass_media_obsession ''Noam Chomsky on Mass Media Obsession with Russia &amp; the Stories Not Being Covered in the Trump Era''],  ''[[w:Democracy Now!|Democracy Now!]]'' (27 July 2018)

* The scale of [[Coronavirus pandemic|the plague]] is surprising, indeed shocking, but not its appearance...Trump has reacted during his years in office in the manner to which we have become accustomed: by defunding and dismantling every relevant part of government and assiduously implementing the instructions of his [[Corporatocracy|corporate masters]] to eliminate the [[regulation]]s that impede profits while saving lives — and leading the race to the abyss of {{w|environmental catastrophe}}, by far his greatest crime — in fact, the greatest crime in history when we consider the consequences. 
** [[Noam Chomsky]], in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump was not silent, however. He issued a stream of confident [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States#President Trump|pronouncements]] informing the public that it was just a cough; he has everything under control; he gets a 10 out of 10 for his handling of the crisis; it’s very serious but he knew it was a pandemic before anyone else; and the rest of the sorry performance. The technique is well-designed, much like the practice of reeling out lies so fast that the very concept of truth vanishes. Whatever happens, Trump is sure to be vindicated among his loyal followers.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Donald is a leader. He is a successful person that, like me, isn't afraid to tell it like it is. Our system is broken and it won't be fixed from the inside. I am proud to offer my endorsement of his candidacy for President.
** [[Chris Christie]], endorsing Donald Trump for President, at a campaign rally in Fort Worth, TX [http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2016/feb/26/us-election-2016-campaign-live-trump-rubio-cruz-super-tuesday-clinton-sanders] (2016)

*Please stop it with voting for Trump. It was funny for a little while. But the guy is [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. And by that I mean that we are being Germany in the 30s. Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over.
*Trump is not your best. He's the worst of all of us. He's a symptom to a problem that is very real. But don't vote for your own cancer. You're better than that.
** [[Louis C.K.]] in an email to fans, quoted in [http://variety.com/2016/tv/news/louis-c-k-donald-trump-insane-bigot-dangerous-1201723679/ Louis C.K. Compares Donald Trump to Hitler: ‘He's an Insane Bigot']  (2016)

*Using Aiden as a political tool is, to say the least, reprehensible for any political purpose. They make it seem as though our wonderful Aiden appreciates your hate that we should follow their hate. Morally bankrupt politicians – Bernie Moreno, Chip Roy, J.D. Vance and Donald Trump – they have spoken my son’s name and used his death for political gain.&lt;br&gt;They can vomit all the hate they want about illegal immigrants, the Border crisis and even untrue claims about fluffy pets being ravaged and eaten by community members. However they are not allowed nor have they ever been allowed to mention Aiden Clark from Springfield Ohio. &lt;br&gt;Please stop the hate.
**Nathan Clark, father of Aiden Clark, boy killed in a car accident involving a Haitian driver in Springfield, Ohio, speaking on the night of the first debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump, quoted in [https://haitiantimes.com/2024/09/11/haitian-immigrants-in-ohio-under-racist-attacks/ Haitian families in Ohio under attack as racist claims spread], ''The Haitian Times'' (September 10, 2024)

* A Trump supporter, a middle-aged woman, was asked how she felt about Trump's comments that being a celebrity meant women could expect him to grope their private parts. The woman said he would never have said it if Trump had known he was being recorded. That made me laugh.
** [[John Cleese]], as quoted in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/john-cleese-how-donald-trump-is-stealing-comedians-best-lines-1030458 &quot;John Cleese on How Donald Trump Is Stealing Comedians' Best Lines&quot;] by Nick Holdsworth, ''[[w:The Hollywood Reporter|The Hollywood Reporter]]'', (August 17, 2017)

* Donald Trump has been uncommonly nice to [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and me. We're all [[New York]]ers. And I like him. And I love playing golf with him.
** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in [http://www.salon.com/2012/06/04/bill_clinton_said_what/singleton/ &quot;Bill Clinton Said What?&quot;], ''Salon'' (4 June 2012)

* He mostly talks about himself. So the next time you hear him, don't count the lies. Count the I's.
** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/08/22/dnc-day-3-takeaways-walz-bill-clinton-pelosi-speech/ &quot;5 takeaways from the Democratic convention and Tim Walz on Day 3&quot;], ''The Washington Post'' (August 22, 2024)

* '''He's a master brander, and he's the most interesting character out there. And...he says something that overrides the ideological differences. There is a macho appeal to saying, 'I'm just sick of nothing happening. I'll make things – vote for me.''''
** [[Bill Clinton]] on CBS '[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|Late Show]]' — {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-06
 | title = Bill Clinton to Stephen Colbert: Donald Trump Has a &quot;Macho Appeal&quot;
 | author = Ryan Gajewski
 | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter
 | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/bill-clinton-donald-trump-has-830195
}}

*Despite what you hear, we don't need to make America great again. America has never stopped being great. But we do need to make America whole again. Instead of building walls, we need to be tearing down barriers.
**[[Hillary Clinton]], [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-dem-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/02/hillary-clinton-donald-trump-slogan-219908 speech] (February 2016)

* We cannot let him roll the dice with America.
**[[Hillary Clinton]] during an election speech, as quoted on [https://www.boston.com/news/politics/2016/06/02/hillary-clinton-trump-cannot-let-roll-dice-america boston.com], 2 June 2016

* It is insufficient to state the obvious of Donald Trump: that he is a white man who would not be president were it not for this fact. With one immediate exception, Trump's predecessors made their way to high office through the passive power of whiteness—that bloody heirloom which cannot ensure mastery of all events but can conjure a tailwind for most of them. Land theft and human plunder cleared the grounds for Trump's forefathers and barred others from it. Once upon the field, these men became soldiers, statesmen, and scholars; held court in Paris; presided at Princeton; advanced into the Wilderness and then into the White House. Their individual triumphs made this exclusive party seem above America's founding sins, and it was forgotten that the former was in fact bound to the latter, that all their victories had transpired on cleared grounds. No such elegant detachment can be attributed to Donald Trump—a president who, more than any other, has made the awful inheritance explicit.
* Any empirical evaluation of the relationship between Trump and the white working class would reveal that one adjective in that phrase is doing more work than the other. In 2016, Trump enjoyed majority or plurality support among every economic branch of whites. It is true that his strongest support among whites came from those making $50,000 to $99,999. This would be something more than working-class in many nonwhite neighborhoods, but even if one accepts that branch as the working class, the difference between how various groups in this income bracket voted is revealing. Sixty-one percent of whites in this &quot;working class&quot; supported Trump. Only 24 percent of Hispanics and 11 percent of blacks did. Indeed, the plurality of all voters making less than $100,000 and the majority making less than $50,000 voted for the Democratic candidate. So when [[George Packer|[George] Packer]] laments [in the ''New Yorker''] the fact that &quot;Democrats can no longer really claim to be the party of working people—not white ones, anyway,&quot; he commits a kind of category error. The real problem is that Democrats aren't the party of white people—working or otherwise. White workers are not divided by the fact of labor from other white demographics; they are divided from all other laborers by the fact of their whiteness.
* Obama himself, underestimating Trump and thus underestimating the power of [[Whiteness studies|whiteness]], believed the Republican nominee too objectionable to actually win. In this Obama was, tragically, wrong. And so the most powerful country in the world has handed over all its affairs—the prosperity of its entire economy; the security of its 300 million citizens; the purity of its water, the viability of its air, the safety of its food; the future of its vast system of education; the soundness of its national highways, airways, and railways; the apocalyptic potential of its nuclear arsenal—to a carnival barker who introduced the phrase &quot;grab 'em by the pussy&quot; into the national lexicon. It is as if the white tribe united in demonstration to say, &quot;If a black man can be president, then any white man—no matter how fallen—can be president.&quot;
**[[Ta-Nehisi Coates]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/the-first-white-president-ta-nehisi-coates/537909/ &quot;The First White President,&quot;] The Atlantic, October 2017 issue.

* I would never trust him to follow the law. We're dealing with a dangerous egomaniac who has no control of himself, recognizes no limits, no bounds and does not recognize the constraints of law or anything else.
** {{W|Eliot A. Cohen}}, in [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/analysis-vengeful-world-donald-trump-why-it-matters-n671721 Analysis: The Vengeful World of Donald Trump, and Why It Matters], at NBC News; published October 31, 2016

*  [[Donald Trump]] never thought he was going to win this election, he actually did not want to win this election, this was supposed to be the greatest infomercial in the history of politics. If you take that line, and you add the to it the Trump a la Moscow project, you'll understand that this was a branding deal, that's all the presidential campaign started out as.. there only one problem, one problem, he won.
** [[Michael Cohen]] on the [[Rachel Maddow] Show on [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/cohen-trump-2016-campaign-was-just-a-branding-opportunity-91291717556  September 8, 2020]

* Apart from his wife and children, I knew Trump better than anyone else did. In some ways, I knew him better than even his family did because I bore witness to the real man, in strip clubs, shady business meetings, and in the unguarded moments when he revealed who he really was: a cheat, a liar, a fraud, a bully, a racist, a predator, a con man... He has no one he trusts to keep his secrets. For ten years, he certainly had me, and I was always there for him, and look what happened to me. I urge you to really consider that fact: Trump has no true friends. He has lived his entire life avoiding and evading taking responsibility for his actions. He crushed or cheated all who stood in his way, but I know where the skeletons are buried because I was the one who buried them
** [[Michael Cohen (lawyer)|Michael Cohen]], as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-08-13
 | title = Michael Cohen offers preview of tell-all Trump book: 'I know where the skeletons are buried'
 | author = Joseph A Wulfsohn
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://www.foxnews.com/politics/michael-cohen-trump-disloyal-skeletons
}}

*A warning label should be affixed to Trump's forehead.
**Richard Cohen, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/reince-priebus-fool/2016/05/16/decae58a-1b88-11e6-9c81-4be1c14fb8c8_story.html &quot;Reince Priebus, fool&quot;] (16 May 2016), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C.

* I can't believe he's doing this to me. Donald pisses ice water.
** {{W|Roy Cohn}}, upon being ostracized by Trump for having contracted HIV. (from {{W|Wayne Barrett}}'s 1992 ''Trump: The Deals and the Downfall'', as quoted in [https://www.forbes.com/sites/ralphbenko/2016/03/27/donald-trump-is-the-red-sanders-candidate-winning-isnt-everything-its-the-only-thing/#7c70fd80358c Donald Trump Is The 'Red' Sanders Candidate: 'Winning Isn't Everything; It's The Only Thing.'] at Forbes.com)

*A war crimes complaint has been filed against President Donald Trump, [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu]] and Trump adviser [[Jared Kushner]] in the [[International Criminal Court]] (ICC).... The complaint, filed by [[w:Middlesex University|Middlesex University]] law professor [[w:William Schabas|William Schabas]] on June 30 on behalf of four [[Palestinians]] who live in the [[w:West Bank|West Bank]], states “there is credible evidence” that Trump, Netanyahu and Kushner “are complicit in acts that may amount to [[war crimes]] relating to the transfer of populations into occupied territory and the annexation of the sovereign territory of the State of Palestine.” Under article 15 of the ICC’s [[w:Rome Statute|Rome Statute]], any individual, group or organization can bring a complaint to the Office of the Prosecutor. ... Schabas’ complaint comes on the heels of unusual moves last month from the Trump administration, which declared a “national emergency” in June in an effort to shield U.S. and Israeli officials from ICC accountability for war crimes and [[crimes against humanity]].
**[[Marjorie Cohn]]  in [https://truthout.org/articles/trump-is-trying-to-hide-us-and-israeli-war-crimes-by-attacking-the-icc/ ''Trump Is Trying to Hide US &amp; Israeli War Crimes by Attacking the International Criminal Court, TruthOut,''] (8 July 2020)
 
* There's a populism to Trump that I found very appealing. The party elders would like him to go away, but the people have decided that he is not going to... [T]here is something really hopeful about the fact that, well, 36 percent of the likely voters want him to win, so the people in the machine don't get to say otherwise.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/stephen-colbert-donald-trump-very-appealing &quot;Colbert: Trump's populism 'very appealing'&quot;] by Bradford Richardson, ''The Hill'' (23 December 2015)

* [[w:John_Dickerson_(journalist)|John Dickerson]] has way too much dignity to trade insults with the President of the United States to his face. But I, sir, am no John Dickerson. Let me introduce you to something we call the [[w:Tiffany_Network|Tiffany Way]]. When you insult one member of the CBS family, you insult us all. Bazinga. All right. Here we go. All right. Mr. Trump, your presidency, I love your presidency, I call it &quot;Disgrace the Nation&quot;. You're not the POTUS, you're the BLOATUS. You're the glutton with the button. You're a regular Gorge Washington. You're the presi-dunce, but you're turning into a real prick-tator. Sir, you attract more skinheads than free [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign-language gorilla who got hit in the head. In fact the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin's cock holster. Your {{w|presidential library}} is going to be a kids' menu and a couple of {{w|Juggs}} magazines. The only thing smaller than your hands is your &quot;tax returns&quot; [holds up little finger] and you can take that any way you want.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], during his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaHwlSTqA7s opening monologue] of ''{{w|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert}}'', after showing a clip of Trump calling the CBS reporter part of the &quot;fake media&quot; and referring to [[w:Face the Nation|his show]] as &quot;Deface the Nation&quot;. The Trump-designated chairman of the FCC, {{w|Ajit Pai}}, has since stated he would investigate the comedian for broadcasting this material (1 May 2017)

* '''There once was a man in Nantucket&lt;br&gt;Whose poll numbers really did suck it;&lt;br&gt;At least he is not&lt;br&gt;That orange pol pot&lt;br&gt;Who ate all his meals from a bucket.'''
** [[Stephen Colbert]]; limerick from his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8qFuh-qNaE opening monologue] of ''{{w|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert}}'' of 25 November 2021, after reading about [[President Biden]]'s revival of his family's tradition of visiting Nantucket at Thanksgiving.

* Do you know how bad of a job you have to be doing to get fired while you're getting fired?
** Steve Colbert, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-14
 | title = Late night hosts mock Trump's second impeachment: 'I wonder if he's tired of all the winning yet?'
 | author = Frank Pallotta
 | newspaper = CNN Business
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/14/media/late-night-trump-impeachment/index.html
}}

* Trump denied knowing that [[w:Serge Kovaleski|Serge]] (Kovaleski) was disabled, and demanded an apology, saying that anyone could see his imitation was of a flustered, frightened reporter, not a disabled person. It's true that Trump was not mimicking any mannerisms that Serge has. He doesn't jerk around or flail his arms. He's not retarded. He sits calmly, but if you look at his wrists, you'll see they are curved in. That's not the imitation Trump was doing—he was doing a standard retard, waving his arms and sounding stupid: &quot;'Ahhh, I don't know what I said—ahhh, I don't remember!' He's going, ‘Ahhh, I don't remember, maybe that's what I said!'&quot;
* There's nothing Trump can do that won't be forgiven, except change his immigration policies.
** ''In Trump We Trust'' [http://theslot.jezebel.com/ann-coulter-donald-trump-wasnt-mocking-reporters-disab-1785766218][http://www.nbcnews.com/card/real-quote-ann-coulters-new-book-n637676] (2016)

* Trump is an unreflective beneficiary of every sort of white privilege on offer, from his inherited fortune to his mass-media celebrity to his ability to lie with utter impunity about his career, his finances, and his easily documented record of public statements. If Barack Obama had committed but one of the transgressions Trump reveled in during his 2016 presidential run—deriding John McCain's war record, to take a comparatively minor instance—he would have suffered a torrent of righteous white moralizing that would have been unprecedented even in a country renowned for its righteous white moralizing. And if he'd been caught on tape bragging about a celebrity-enabled history of sexual assault—well, suffice it to say that it would have been a high-tech lynching on a scale that [[Clarence Thomas]] could scarcely begin to imagine.
**[[Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw]], ''[https://thebaffler.com/salvos/race-to-bottom-crenshaw Race to the Bottom: How the post-racial revolution became a whitewash]''

* President Trump doubled down Sunday on his push for the use of [[Hydroxychloroquine|an anti-malarial drug]] against the [[coronavirus]], issuing {{w|medical advice}} that goes well beyond scant evidence of the [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#COVID-19|drug’s effectiveness]] as well as the advice of doctors and {{w|public health}} experts. Mr. Trump’s recommendation of hydroxychloroquine, for the second day in a row at a White House briefing, was a striking example of his brazen willingness [[w:Veracity of statements by Donald Trump#Coronavirus pandemic|to distort and outright defy]] expert opinion and {{w|scientific evidence}} when it does not suit his [[w:Political agenda|agenda]].
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Standing alongside two top public health officials who have declined to endorse his call for widely administering the drug, Mr. Trump suggested that he was speaking on gut instinct and acknowledged that he had no [[expertise]] on the subject. Saying that the drug is “being tested now,” Mr. Trump said that “there are some very strong, powerful signs” of its potential, although health experts say that the data is extremely limited and that more study of the drug’s effectiveness against the coronavirus is needed. [...] Mr. Trump, who once predicted that the virus might “miraculously” disappear by April because of warm weather, and who has [[Denial|rejected]] {{w|scientific consensus}} on issues like [[w:Environmental policy of the Donald Trump administration#Climate change|climate change]], was undaunted by [[skeptical]] questioning. “What do you have to lose?” Mr. Trump asked, for the second day in a row, saying that [[w:Terminal illness|terminally ill]] patients should be willing [[w:Terminal illness#Continued treatment|to try any treatment]] that has shown some promise.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Even as Mr. Trump has promoted the drug, which is also often prescribed for patients with {{w|lupus}}, it has created rifts within his own coronavirus task force. And while many [[w:Medical centers in the United States|hospitals]] have chosen to use hydroxychloroquine in a desperate attempt to treat dying patients who have few other options, others have noted that it carries [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#Side effects|serious risks]]. In particular, the drug can cause a {{w|heart arrhythmia}} that can lead to {{w|cardiac arrest}}.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* Hydroxychloroquine has not been proved to work against Covid-19 in any significant clinical trials. A small trial by Chinese researchers made public last week found that it helped speed the recovery in moderately ill patients, but the study was not peer-reviewed and had significant limitations. Earlier reports from France and China have drawn criticism because they did not include control groups to compare treated patients with untreated ones, and researchers have called the reports anecdotal. Without controls, they said, it is impossible to determine whether the drugs worked. But Mr. Trump on Sunday dismissed the notion that doctors should wait for further study.
** [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

* I have been pointing out, and I have been screaming to the rooftops, that Donald Trump is the Charlie Sheen of politics. [...] I have to tell you, I love Charlie Sheen, I loved working with him when he was sober, but he was, he's full of shit. He has been full of shit, you know, he has serious addiction. You know, his addiction is obviously serious, drugs, and, but, Trump is just addicted to feeling important. You know, and I think if anybody is under the delusion that he cares about, uh, uh, anybody in America besides himself, they are, they are stoned and need to rethink their priorities, 'cause he's, you know, 'cause it's just ridiculous that's he's gotten as far as he has. 
** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Cryer Jon Cryer] on the May 5, 2016, episode of the podcast Never Not Funny.

*When the voters examine Donald, they'll discover he actually embodies Washington corruption, the Washington deal-making that they're so angry about.
**[[Ted Cruz]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/sen-ted-cruz-on-donald-trump-post-super-tuesday-strongest-campaign/ interview with Charlie Rose] (1 March 2016), ''CBS This Morning''

*People are asking themselves, 'How would we feel if our children came in repeating the words of the president of the United States if that president was Donald Trump?' And if it would embarrass you to have your children repeat the words of the president, that's not a good thing... A president should unify us, should appeal to our better angels, should appeal to our shared values that make America who we are.
** [[Ted Cruz]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-cruz-criticizes-donald-trump-a-president-should-not-embarrass-election-2016/ interview with John Dickerson] (March 2016), ''Face the Nation''

*It's not easy to tick me off... I don't get angry often. But you mess with my wife, you mess with my kids; that'll do it every time. Donald, you're a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone.
** [[Ted Cruz]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-cruz-bashes-sniveling-coward-donald-trump/ &quot;Cruz calls Trump &quot;sniveling coward&quot; and says 'leave Heidi the hell alone'&quot;] (24 March 2016), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News''

* Let me be clear: Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire [[w:Ratfucking|to copulate]] with him.
** [[Ted Cruz]], as quoted in [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a43332/ted-cruz-donald-trump-rat-copulate/ Ted Cruz Will Do Anything for Love, But He Won't Do Rats] [25 March 2016], by Matt Miller, ''Esquire''

[[File:Mark cuban 2.jpg|thumb|The best thing to happen to politics in a long long time. ~[[Mark Cuban]]]]
* The best thing to happen to politics in a long long time. I don't care what his actual positions are. I don't care if he says the wrong thing. He says what's on his mind. He gives honest answers rather than prepared answers. This is more important than anything any candidate has done in years.
** [[Mark Cuban]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-27
 | title = Mark Cuban: Congrats, Donald: You're best thing to happen to politics in a long time
 | author = 
 | newspaper = Dallas Mavericks Blog
 | url = http://mavsblog.dallasnews.com/2015/07/mark-cuban-congrats-donald-youre-best-thing-to-happen-to-politics-in-a-long-time.html/
}}

[[File:Mark Cuban by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|The [[Trump]] that stole [[Christmas]] ~[[Mark Cuban]]]]
* The [[Trump]] that stole [[Christmas]]
**  [[Mark Cuban]] according to [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/from-shark-tank-campaign-trail-mark-cuban-teams-up-kamala-harris From the 'Shark Tank' to the campaign trail: Mark Cuban teams up with Kamala Harris] (October 17, 2024)

==== Hillary Clinton, speech in Warren, Michigan (August 11, 2016) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016) &lt;/small&gt;

* He's made a career out of stiffing small businesses from [[w:Atlantic City, New Jersey|Atlantic City]] to [[Las Vegas]]. There are companies that were left hanging because he refused to pay their bills. A lot of those companies scraped together what the could [sic] to pay their employees, and many of them put their businesses at risk and some of them ended up taking bankruptcy. It wasn't because Trump couldn't pay them, it was because he wouldn't pay them.

* It's just not right that Donald Trump can ignore his debts, but students and families can't refinance their debt.

* Mr. Trump may talk a big game on trade, but his approach is based on fear, not strength. Fear that we can't compete with the rest of the world even when the rules are fair. Fear that our country has no choice but to hide behind walls.

* Let's remember where Trump makes many of his own products. Because it sure is not America. ... One positive thing Trump could do to make America great again is actually make great things in America again.

* Trump would roll back the tough rules that we have imposed on the [[Financial market|Financial Industry]]. I'll do the opposite – I think we should strengthen those rules so that [[Wall Street]] can never wreck Main Street again.

* He called for a new tax loophole – let's call it the Trump Loophole – because it would allow him to pay less than half the current tax rate on income from many of his companies. He'd pay a lower rate than millions of middle class families.

* He's making a big promise. But his advisors have said, his own advisors have said, he may not stand by them. ... One of the differences between Donald Trump and me is I'm telling you what I will do, I'm laying out my plans, and I will stand by them, and I want you to hold me accountable for delivering results. This all reminds me of that old saying, ‘if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.'

* Guaranteeing equal pay won't just increase paychecks for women – it will boost family budgets and get incomes rising across the board.  And I don't understand why Trump's against that. Paid family leave won't only make life easier for Moms and Dads – it will also keep skilled, talented Americans in the workforce and grow our economy. That's why every other advanced country already has it. Again, he's against it. Raising the federal minimum wage won't just put more money in the pockets of low-income families – it also means they will spend more at the businesses in their neighborhoods. Trump's against that as well.

* Based on what we know from the Trump campaign, he wants America to work for him and his friends, at the expense of everyone else.

==== Hillary Clinton, speech in Reno, Nevada (August 25, 2016) ====
&lt;small&gt; Speech in {{w|Reno, Nevada}}. Transcript by ''[[w:Vox (website)|Vox]]'' [http://www.vox.com/2016/8/25/12647810/hillary-clinton-speech-alt-right] (August 25, 2016) &lt;/small&gt;

* Donald Trump has built his campaign on prejudice and paranoia. He's taking [[w:Hate groups|hate groups]] mainstream and helping a radical fringe take over one of America's two major political parties. His disregard for the values that make our country great is profoundly dangerous. In just the past week, under the guise of &quot;outreach&quot; to African Americans, Trump has stood up in front of largely white audiences and described black communities in insulting and ignorant terms.

* Donald Trump misses so much. He doesn't see the success of black leaders in every field… The vibrancy of [[w:African-American Businesses|black-owned businesses]]…Or the strength of the black church… He doesn't see the excellence of [[historically black colleges and universities]] or the pride of black parents watching their children thrive… And he certainly doesn't have any solutions to take on the reality of systemic racism and create more equity and opportunity in communities of color. It takes a lot of nerve to ask people he's ignored and mistreated for decades, &quot;What do you have to lose?&quot; The answer is everything!

* Trump's lack of knowledge or experience or solutions would be bad enough. But what he's doing here is more sinister. Trump is reinforcing harmful stereotypes and offering a dog whistle to his most hateful supporters. It's a disturbing preview of what kind of President he'd be.

* A man with a long history of racial discrimination, who traffics in dark conspiracy theories drawn from the pages of supermarket tabloids and the far reaches of the internet, should never run our government or command our military. If he doesn't respect respect all Americans, he can't serve all Americans! ... There's no other Donald Trump. This is it.

* Well, throughout his career and this campaign, Donald Trump has shown us exactly who he is. We should believe him. When Trump was getting his start in business, he was sued by the Justice Department for refusing to rent apartments to black and Latino tenants. Three years later, the Justice Department took Trump back to court because he hadn't changed. The pattern continued through the decades.

* Someone detached from reality should never be in charge of making decisions that are as real as they come.

* He'd abolish the bedrock constitutional principle that says if you're born in the United States, you're an American citizen. He says that children born in America to undocumented parents are, quote, &quot;anchor babies&quot; and should be deported. Millions of them.

* He'd ban Muslims around the world – 1.5 billion men, women, and children –from entering our country just because of their religion.

* Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, America has distinguished itself as a haven for people fleeing religious persecution. Under Donald Trump, America would distinguish itself as the only country in the world to impose a religious test at the border.

* Trump likes to say he only hires the &quot;best people.&quot; But he's had to fire so many campaign managers it's like an episode of the Apprentice.

=== D ===
*he’s spewing white supremacist views that have real consequences in the lives of ordinary people...I think he needs to realize that what he’s saying, from the biggest bully pulpit in the whole world, is affecting individual people. I don’t know that he cares, because I think he’s just spewing these things, and I think, in part, this was also—you know, this is what he believes.
**[[Edwidge Danticat]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/1/12/completely_racist_edwidge_danticat_on_trumps Interview] with Democracy Now (2018)

* Donald Trump...is the last hope for America. I don't want nuance, I want bold colors: red, white, and blue... When I saw those guys on the boats on their knees, I mean, that sends a picture about America that I haven't seen ever before. And I think we need Donald Trump right now. The country needs him.
** {{w|Robert Davi}}, as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/01/14/die-hard-actor-robert-davi-donald-trump-is-the-last-hope-for-america-video/ &quot;‘Die Hard' Actor Robert Davi: Donald Trump Is The ‘Last Hope For America'&quot;] by Steve Guest, ''The Daily Caller'' (14 January 2016)

* Let's say five years ago, someone wanted to tell an end-of-the-world story. Governments have broken down, diplomacy has gone out the window, and lunatic nutbags are running things. If the storyteller wanted to provide a shorthand to establish how things could have possibly gone so wrong, all he would have to do is have a newscaster talking about &quot;President Trump.&quot; Because five years ago, the audience would have snorted and said, &quot;Well, sure, I totally believe that if this country was stupid enough to put Trump into office, then it makes sense that the entire world is falling apart.&quot;
**{{W|Peter David}}, [http://www.peterdavid.net/2017/08/04/freak-out-friday-august-4-2017/ Freak Out Friday], August 4 2017

* Loser of the year &lt;i&gt; German: &quot;Der Verlierer des Jahres &lt;/i&gt;
** Der Spiegel, quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-11 |title=German magazine Der Spiegel names Trump 'Loser of the Year' | author= Celine Castronuovo | periodical=The Hill | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/media/529830-german-magazine-der-spiegel-names-trump-loser-of-the-year}}

* Trump has been said to have extended his initial 30-day deadline to four months
**Karen DeYoun of Washington Post, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/john-bolton-to-meet-with-turks-to-discuss-announced-us-withdrawal-from-syria/2019/01/04/30e39c92-1044-11e9-8938-5898adc28fa2_story.html 4 January 2019]

* The case for constitutional limited government is the case against Donald Trump. To the degree we take him at his word — understanding that Trump is a negotiator whose positions are often purposefully deceptive — what he advocates is a rejection of our [[James Madison|Madisonian]] inheritance and an embrace of Barack Obama's [[authoritarianism]]. Trump assures voters that he will use authoritarian power for good, to help those who feel — with good reason — ignored by both parties. But the American experiment in self-government was the work of a generation that risked all to defeat a tyrannical monarch and establish a government of laws, not men. A government of the people, by the people, and for the people is precisely what the Constitution offers, and what is most threatened by &quot;great men&quot; impatient to impose their will on the nation. Conservatives should reject Trump's hollow, Euro-style [[identity politics]].
**Ben Domenech, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* If your claim to fame is that you’ve taken money from other people and haven’t delivered what you promised, that doesn’t make you a genius businessman, that makes you a [[thief]].
**{{w|Kathy Duva}}, as quoted in [http://theboxingtribune.com/2017/01/19/donald-trump-was-awful-at-boxing-too/ &quot;Donald Trump was awful at boxing, too&quot;] by Paul Gagno, ''The Boxing Tribune'' (January 19, 2017)

=== E ===
	
*In his State of the Union address on February 6, 2019, Donald Trump said: ''...we condemn the brutality of the Maduro regime, whose socialist policies have turned that nation from being the wealthiest in South America into a state of abject poverty and despair.''  Trump’s ridiculous comment was not considered controversial, because the Western media, including the anti-Trump outlets like the New York Times, have spent many years conveying a lie: that Venezuela had been very prosperous and democratic until [[Hugo Chávez]], and then his successor [[Nicolás Maduro]], came along and ruined everything. If readers believe that, then they may indeed wonder, “Why shouldn’t the US government help Venezuelans return to that prosperous state?”
**[https://fair.org/home/the-media-myth-of-once-prosperous-and-democratic-venezuela-before-chavez/ The Media Myth of ‘Once Prosperous’ and Democratic Venezuela Before Chávez, Joe Emersberger and Justin Podur, ''Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting'' (FAIR),] (26 August 2021)

* People are looking for somebody who is outspoken and who isn't afraid. And [Trump] seems to have kind of a fearless attitude.
** [[Clint Eastwood]], as quoted in [http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/clint-eastwood-praises-trump/2015/12/25/id/707110/ &quot;Clint Eastwood Praises Trump, Carson: 'Really Good People'&quot;] by Todd Beamon, ''Newsmax'' (25 December 2015)

* I'd have to go for Trump ... you know, [because] [[Hillary Clinton|she]]'s declared that she's gonna follow in [President] Obama's footsteps. I mean, it's a tough voice to listen to for four years. It could be a tough one. If she's just gonna follow what we've been doing, then I wouldn't be for her. She's made a lot of dough out of a being a politician. I gave up dough to be a politician. I'm sure that [former President] Ronald Reagan gave up dough to be a politician. ... [Trump]'s onto something, because secretly everybody's getting tired of political correctness, kissing up. That's the kiss-ass generation we're in right now. We're really in a p-ssy generation.
** [[Clint Eastwood]], interview with ''Esquire'' as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/290324-clint-eastwood-id-have-to-go-for-trump-over-clinton &quot;Clint Eastwood: 'I'd have to go for Trump' over Clinton&quot;] by Mark Hensch, ''The Hill'' (3 August 2016)

*The only thing that I can say about President Trump is that he is the only person who, in 2009 when I served a lot of subpoenas on a lot of people, or at least gave notice to some pretty connected people, that I want to talk to them, is the only person who picked up the phone and said, let's just talk.  I'll give you as much time as you want.  I'll tell you what you need to know, and was very helpful, in the information that he gave, and gave no indication whatsoever that he was involved in anything untoward whatsoever, but had good information.  That checked out and that helped us and we didn't have to take a deposition of him in 2009.
**Bradley Edwards (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) in December 2018, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit] 

* (Said in 2016) [Narcissistic] idiot,bully, [and someone who] really cannot be trusted to be consistent or accurate in anything
** [[w:Jenna Ellis|Jenna Ellis]], senior legal adviser to the Trump 2020 campaign and the president, [https://www.axios.com/jenna-ellis-trump-adviser-87cebdba-a44f-4bbb-bdc3-3e044e76b746.html constitutional law attorney] and former law professor from Colorado according to [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lawyer-jenna-ellis-idiot-campaign-b1731162.htmlTrump’s lawyer once called him an ‘idiot’ who ‘really cannot be trusted’ to tell truth] published November 18, 2020

*I will not be voting for Donald Trump in the primary. I take my conservatism seriously, and I also take Saint Paul seriously. In setting out the qualifications for overseers, or bishops, Saint Paul admonished Timothy... We should not put a new conservative in charge of conservatism or the country, so that he does not become puffed up with conceit and fall into condemnation. Republicans have wandered in the wilderness already by letting leaders define conservatism in their own image. Donald Trump needs more time and more testing of his new conservative convictions.
**Erick Erickson, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*Hitler is not Hillary Clinton either. The neo-nazis and white supremacists backing Donald Trump fetishize Hitler too. Trump dog whistles to them.
**Erick Erickson, [http://theresurgent.com/republicans-for-hitler/ &quot;Republicans for Hitler&quot;] (17 May 2016), ''The Resurgent''

=== F ===
*You got to give it up for [[Colorado]] — they’re the first state to legalize [[Cannabis|weed]] and illegalize Trump.
**[[Jimmy Fallon]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/21/arts/television/jimmy-fallon-trump-colorado-ballot.html &quot;Jimmy Fallon Cheers Colorado for ‘Illegalizing’ Trump&quot;] (21 December 2023), By Trish Bendix, ''{{w|New York Times}}''

* I was trying to let science guide our policy, but he was putting as much stock in anecdotal things that turned out not to be true as he was in what scientists like myself were saying. That caused unnecessary and uncomfortable conflict where I had to essentially correct what he was saying, and put me at great odds with his people.
** [[Anthony Fauci | Dr. Anthony Fauci]], the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, as quoted in [https://www.unilad.co.uk/news/dr-fauci-says-trump-would-do-terrible-things-anytime-he-disagreed-with-him-publicly/ &quot;Dr Fauci Says Trump Would Do ‘Terrible Things’ Anytime He Disagreed With Him Publicly&quot;], Cameron Frew, Unila, 20 February 2021.
*In the United States, Trump’s diversionary theatrics and early failures in Congress kept off the front pages a bonfire of social and environmental regulations as well as a purge of liberal judges from the [[w:federal judiciary in the United Stats|federal bench]] that continued in the background with little resistance and that promised to play out for decades. When thwarted by [[United States Congress|Congress]], Trump resorted to [[w:Executive orders|executive orders]] and [[w:Emergency powers|emergency powers]], as had presidents before him, though with a radical, institution-shaking appeal in justification “to the people” rarely heard since the [[New Deal]]. Internationally, the unconservative revisionism of the [[Far-right politics|hard right]] was evident in Trump’s questioning or pulling back from previous American commitments— the [[w:Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action|Iran nuclear deal]], [[Paris Agreement|world climate accords]], the [[w:Atlantic alliance|Western alliance]] itself. Rather than standing up for liberal democracy and universal values, he praised authoritarians: [[China]]’s [[Xi Jinping|Xi]], [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]], [[House of Saud|Saudi princes]], the [[Philippines]]’ [[Rodrigo Duterte|Duterte]]. Rather than follow every administration, Democrat or Republic, since 1945 and align Americanism, Westernism, and universalism in an avowedly virtuous trinity, the Trump right detached Americanism as justified and defendable on its own.
**[[w:Edmund Fawcett|Edmund Fawcett]], ''Conservatism: The Fight for a Tradition'' (2020), p. 348

* Trump is Hillary Clinton's Christmas gift wrapped up under a tree.
**[[Carly Fiorina]], [http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/09/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-conspiracy/index.html ''Twitter''] (8 December 2015)

*I think Trump says a lot of things that are crazy... [repeating what a 10-year-old girl said] Trump's a moron.
**[[Carly Fiorina]], as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/carly-fiorina-repeats-girl-donald-trumps-moron/story?id=36327939 &quot;Carly Fiorina Repeats After Girl: 'Donald Trump's a Moron'&quot;] (16 January 2016), by Ben Gittleson, ''{{w|ABC News}}''

*He reminds me of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
**{{w|Vicente Fox}}, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/26/politics/vicente-fox-donald-trump-hitler/index.html interview with Anderson Cooper] (February 2016)

* Most amateur diagnosticians have mislabeled President Trump with the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I wrote the criteria that define this disorder, and Mr. Trump doesn't meet them. He may be a world-class [[narcissism|narcissist]], but this doesn't make him mentally ill, because he does not suffer from the distress and impairment required to diagnose [[mental disorder]].
:Mr. Trump causes severe distress rather than experiencing it and has been richly rewarded, rather than punished, for his grandiosity, self-absorption and lack of [[empathy]]. It is a stigmatizing insult to the mentally ill (who are mostly well behaved and well meaning) to be lumped with Mr. Trump (who is neither).
:* [[w:Allen Frances|Allen Frances]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/14/opinion/an-eminent-psychiatrist-demurs-on-trumps-mental-state.html?_r=0 &quot;An Eminent Psychiatrist Demurs on Trump's Mental State,&quot;] [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], February 14, 2017.

*A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not of building bridges, is not Christian. This is not the [[gospel]]... I say only that this man is not Christian if he has said things like that. We must see if he said things in that way and I will give him the benefit of the doubt.
**[[Pope Francis]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pope-francis-trump-is-not-christian/ &quot;Pope Francis: Donald Trump 'is not Christian'&quot;] (18 February 2016), by Rebecca Kaplan, ''{{w|CBS News}}''

*I was wrong. Weeks ago I said on a number of radio interviews that while I opposed Trump in the primary, I'd back him if he won the GOP nomination. I hadn't yet seen, or had been unwilling to believe, the full extent of his contempt for the truth, his fondness for far-left conspiracy theories, and his sheer malice. When I saw Trump in full, my decision was easy. Never Trump... I cannot abide the notion of voting for a man whose 'war strategy' is a child-killing war crime.
**David French, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/432237/donald-trump-why-i-cant-vote-trump-nevertrump &quot;Why I Changed My Mind and Joined the #NeverTrump Movement&quot;] (2 March 2016), ''National Review''

*There is an Ivy League grad who has spent most of his life in [[New York City|Manhattan]], where he is chauffeured around in limousines. He frequently brags to strangers about his massive personal wealth. In public statements, he has advocated government healthcare, a woman's right to an abortion, an assault weapons ban, and paying off the national debt by forcing rich people to forfeit 14.25 percent of their total wealth. When the man married his third wife, he invited Bill and Hillary Clinton to the wedding, and he has given many thousands to their political campaigns and their foundation. He's donated many thousands more that helped elect Democrats to the Senate and the House. And George W. Bush was &quot;maybe the worst president in the history of this country,&quot; the man said in 2008. &quot;He was so incompetent, so bad, so evil.&quot; On paper, this is not someone you'd expect to excel in the 2016 Republican Party primary. But Donald Trump is excelling. Thanks to his celebrity, a few epic flip-flops, and his willingness to pander to the most xenophobic element of the GOP's base, the real-estate developer and reality-TV star is polling near the top of the field.
**Conor Friedersdorf, [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/donald-trump-running-for-president/398345/ &quot;Donald Trump Is No Conservative&quot;] (13 July 2015), ''The Atlantic''

* Trump has made it clear that he would rule as a dictator. His plans include destroying government as we know it, while acting on his desires without guardrails or accountability. He has vowed to use the power of the state to punish political opponents. In short, another Trump presidency would end American [[democracy]] as we know it.
** [[Dan Froomkin]], {{cite web |title=Some Rules for Journalists Reporting on Fascism and Fascists in 2024 |url=https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/reporting-on-trump-fascism-in-2024 |publisher=Common Dreams |date=26 January 2024}}

=== G ===
* Donald Trump is a serial liar.
** Neal Gabler, [http://www.salon.com/2016/05/15/donald_trump_is_a_serial_liar_more_upsetting_is_that_no_one_seems_to_care_partner/ &quot;Donald Trump is a serial liar. More upsetting is that no one seems to care&quot;] (15 May 2016), ''Salon''

* We thought about it when we made the movie! Are you kidding? You watch Part II again and there's a scene where Marty confronts Biff in his office and there's a huge portrait of Biff on the wall behind Biff, and there's one moment where Biff kind of stands up and he takes exactly the same pose as the portrait? Yeah.
**[[w:Bob Gale|Bob Gale]], [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/10/21/how-back-to-the-future-predicted-trump.html ‘Back to the Future' Writer: Biff Tannen Is Based on Donald Trump], The Daily Beast (October 15, 2015)

*Donald Trump rightly criticized the [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]] parents. Clearly, Trump does not oppose Muslim soldiers serving in the military. Nonsense. Trump opposes Muslim immigration from jihad-hot regions. We know Islamic terror groups are plotting attacks on the West and using the migration to import their soldiers.
** [[Pamela Geller]], ''[http://pamelageller.com/2016/07/dnc-mainstream-medias-new-spox-muslim-parents.html/ DNC, Mainstream Media's New SPOX — Muslim Parents of Fallen Soldier WHO OPPOSE TRUMP BUT NOT JIHAD TERROR @chucktodd @meetthepress]'' (July 31, 2016)

*I remain a skeptic about Donald Trump. Trump fans look at us skeptics with incredulity that we could possibly object to their man... Yet I see people comparing Trump to Reagan. Donald Trump has been a conservative for about ten minutes.
**[[Jim Geraghty]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty &quot;The Corner&quot;], ''National Review''

* @realdonaldtrump you are full of shit!
**Chrysler executive {{W|Ralph Gilles}}
**[http://jalopnik.com/5956093/chrysler-exec-calls-donald-trump-full-of-shit-on-twitter Chrysler Exec Calls Donald Trump &quot;Full Of Shit&quot; On Twitter], at {{W|Jalopnik}} (2012)

* [W]e have to learn something from history here. [[Fascism]] begins with the rhetoric of dehumanization, humiliation, and [[wiktionary:reification#Noun|reification]], right? It starts with the language of brutality, which it normalizes. It legitimates hatred and racism and violence. It views certain groups through rhetoric as enemies of the American people. It operates off of the rhetoric of war, anti-intellectualism, and white supremacy. It operates off of the language of disposability. That language doesn’t just simply normalize increasingly the notions of [[white nationalism]], white supremacy, racism, and [[xenophobia]]; it also enacts policies and it creates a culture of utter stupidity, a culture of ignorance. And, unfortunately, it functions so as to enable violence against groups labeled as dangerous, other, excess, and a threat to the whitewashed notion of citizenship.&lt;br /&gt;With respect to the latter, when people can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction, they can’t tell the difference between good and evil. They can’t recognize a crime when they see one or what lawlessness looks like. All standards of truth go out the window. It’s a very dangerous moment because it means that people become more susceptible to [[demagogue]]s, to people like Trump, and I think that the media has played an enormous role in creating a [[wiktionary:formative#Adjective|formative]] culture that at its worst legitimates and at its best enables what we see happening in the United States today. 
** [[Henry Giroux]], ''[https://mediaforus.org/interviews/2019/8/12/henrygiroux Henry Giroux on His Latest Book — The Terror of the Unforeseen — and How Neoliberal Capitalism Sets the Stage for Fascism]'' (August 19, 2019), ''Media For Us'' interview.

*I can’t really speak to what is in other people’s minds or why they make the decisions that they make. I think power is very alluring, but I think the more important question is why he’s caused such division among so many families in this country.&lt;br&gt;This is so relatable, having this chasm in your family over Trump, and the reason for that is because he spews this toxic cruelty. And when you are a woman or a person of color or a gay person or trans person, and someone that you love supports a man like that, it is really hard to reconcile that support with their love for you.&lt;br&gt;So I want healing for our country, and I do want us to find the common humanity in one another, even when we disagree about politics. But if Trump becomes the president again, that will not be possible. Kamala Harris is our only path to healing. She presents a really beautiful path to healing for us.&lt;br&gt;…I view Trump as a disease, and I think it’s really important to remember that with every disease, prevention is a much more effective strategy than treatment. ... I thought we had cured ourselves of it the first time, but it doesn’t seem like we have. And I think if he becomes the president again, we may have a terminal illness in our country. And that really, really scares me.
**Caroline Giuliani, daughter of Rudy Giuliani, regarding Trump’s influence over her father in [https://www.nj.com/politics/2024/10/trump-cruelty-embraced-by-those-you-love-rudys-daughter-on-how-maga-disease-has-infected-families.html Rudy Giuliani’s daughter explains why families have been split wide open by Trump] ''NJ.com'' (4 October 2024)

*President Trump made history Sunday when he became the first sitting U.S. president to step foot in North Korea. Trump was there to visit North Korean leader [[Kim Jong-un]] at the military demarcation line at the [[w:Korean Demilitarized Zone|Korean Demilitarized Zone]]. Kim then invited Trump to cross the line, which has divided North and South Korea since 1953. Trump then took about 20 steps into [[North Korea]]. Following the meeting at the DMZ, Trump and Kim held a three-way gathering with South Korean President [[Moon Jae-in]]. Sunday marked Trump and Kim's first meeting since nuclear talks broke down in February... It appears another round of nuclear talks could begin in the coming weeks.  
**[[Amy Goodman]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/7/1/trump_kim_jong_un_dmz_meeting ''Trump Makes History by Walking into North Korea. Could This Help to Finally End the Korean War?'' DemocracyNow!] (1 July 2019)

*As a party, we are better to risk losing without Donald Trump than trying to win with him. Enough already with Mister Trump.
**[[Lindsey Graham]], [http://www.examiner.com/article/lindsey-graham-better-for-a-democrat-to-win-the-white-house-than-donald-trump ''Twitter'' post] (August 2015)

* If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.
** [[Lindsey Graham]], [https://twitter.com/lindseygrahamsc/status/727604522156228608 ''Twitter'' post],  (May 2016)

*[[Ku Klux Klan]] leader [[David Duke]] told radio show listeners that {{'}}Jewish tribal nature{{'}} is to blame for the media's harsh treatment of Trump and compared Jews to {{'}}a pack of wild dogs.{{'}} The white supremacist is a vocal supporter of Trump.
**Shanika Gunaratna, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/neo-nazis-tag-jews-on-twitter-harassment-hate-speech-politics/ &quot;Neo-Nazis Tag Jews on Twitter: Harassment, Hate Speech, Politics&quot;] (10 June 2016), ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc.

*Last week, the New York Times reported that the FBI, in 2017, launched an investigation of President Trump &quot;to consider whether the president's own actions constituted a possible threat to national security&quot; and specifically &quot;whether he had been working on behalf of Russia against American interests.&quot; ...As usual – this melodrama was accomplished by steadfastly ignoring the now-standard, always-buried paragraph pointing out the boring fact that no actual evidence of guilt has yet emerged.
*The FBI's counterintelligence investigation of Trump is far from the first time that the FBI has monitored, surveilled and investigated U.S. elected officials.... It is not difficult to understand what is so ominous and even tyrannical about the FBI investigating domestic political figures whose loyalties they regard as &quot;suspicious,&quot; and whose political career they regard as a &quot;national security threat,&quot; simply because those politicians express policy positions about U.S. adversaries that the FBI dislikes... If a politician adopts policy views...  which is unduly accommodating to America's adversaries or &quot;enemies,&quot; that's not a crime and the FBI thus has no business using its vast investigative powers against...[them]...the FBI investigation... clearly based, at least in part, on the FBI's disagreements with Trump's foreign policy views and the agency's assessment that such policies fail to safeguard &quot;U.S. interests&quot; as the FBI defines them.
** [[Glenn Greenwald]], [https://theintercept.com/2019/01/14/the-fbis-investigation-of-trump-as-a-national-security-threat-is-itself-a-serious-danger-but-j-edgar-hoover-pioneered-the-tactic/  The FBI's Investigation of Trump as a &quot;National Security Threat&quot; is Itself a Serious Danger. But J. Edgar Hoover Pioneered the Tactic] ''[[w:The Intercept|The Intercept]]'' (14  January 2019)

[[File:Richard Nixon presidential portrait.jpg|thumb|As you can imagine, [Pat] is an expert on politics and she predicts whenever you decide to run for office you will be a winner! ~ [[Richard Nixon]]]]

[[File:Jimmy Carter (cropped).jpg|thumb|I think the media have been harder on Trump than any other president certainly that I’ve known about, I think they feel free to claim that Trump is mentally deranged and everything else without hesitation. ~ [[Jimmy Carter]]]]

[[File:George H. W. Bush presidential portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|He's an ass. ~ [[George H. W. Bush]]]]

[[File:Bill Clinton.jpg|thumb|He's a master brander, and he's the most interesting character out there. And...he says something that overrides the ideological differences. There is a macho appeal to saying, 'I'm just sick of nothing happening. I'll make things – vote for me.' ~ [[Bill Clinton]]]]

[[File:George-W-Bush.jpeg|thumb|We've seen nationalism distorted into nativism – forgotten the dynamism that immigration has always brought to America. We see a fading confidence in the value of free markets and international trade – forgetting that conflict, instability, and poverty follow in the wake of protectionism. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]

[[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|We're shocked that somebody would be saying these things. We're shocked that somebody is fanning anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-Muslim sentiment. We're shocked! We're shocked that somebody could be loose with the facts. Or distort someone's record -- shocked... This is the guy, remember, who was sure that I was born in Kenya. Who just wouldn't let it go. And all this same Republican establishment, they weren't saying nothing. As long as it was directed at me, they were fine with it. They thought it was a hoot. Wanted to get his endorsement... What is happening in this primary is just a distillation of what's been happening inside their party for more than a decade. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]

=== H ===
* When I tell you I’m angry, it’s an understatement. [[Mike Pence|Mike]] has been nothing but loyal to that [[Trump|man]]. He’s been nothing but a good friend of that man... I am so disappointed in the fact that [despite] the [[loyalty]] and [[friendship]] he had with Mike Pence, that he would do that to him. Like, I’m disgusted by it.
** [[Nikki Haley]] in [https://www.politico.com/interactives/2021/magazine-nikki-haleys-choice/ Nikki Haley’s Time for Choosing The 2024 hopeful can’t decide] February 12, 2021

* This is a dangerous world. I don't want to hear from him how great [[Hezbollah]] is. I don't want to see him congratulate the Communist Party anymore. I don't want him hitting [[Netanyahu]]. … We can't have someone who is so clouded with the past that they can't see the future.
**  [[Nikki Haley]] in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-israel-netanyahu-hezbollah/ Trump's GOP opponents bristle at his response to Hamas' assault on Israel] (October 13, 2023)

* I think he could be a great leader, because he's inspiring a lot of people, and especially people, including me, who are tired of Republicans being weak. I'm so sick of it.
** [[Sean Hannity]] — {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-30
 | title = Hannity on Trump: 'That Boldness Needs to Be There If Republicans Want to Win'
 | newspaper = Fox News Insider
 | url = http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/30/sean-hannity-donald-trump-boldness-needs-be-there-if-republicans-want-win
}}

*The conservative president we desperately need requires a paradoxical combination of boldness and restraint. The president will need to be bold in challenging the runaway power and reach of his own branch, against the fury of the bureaucracy itself, its client groups, and the media. This boldness is necessary to restore the restraint that a republican executive should have in our constitutional order. Trump exhibits no awareness of this supreme constitutional task.
**Steven F. Hayward, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

*Donald Trump is the result of a long process of political, cultural and social decay. He is a product of our failed democracy. The longer we perpetuate the fiction that we live in a functioning democracy, that Trump and the political mutations around him are somehow an aberrant deviation that can be vanquished in the next election, the more we will hurtle toward tyranny. The problem is not Trump. It is a political system, dominated by corporate power and the mandarins of the two major political parties, in which we don’t count. We will wrest back political control by dismantling the corporate state, and this means massive and sustained civil disobedience, like that demonstrated by teachers around the country this year... &lt;BR&gt;As a foreign correspondent I covered collapsed societies... It is impossible for any doomed population to grasp how fragile the decayed financial, social and political system is on the eve of implosion. All the harbingers of collapse are visible... We suffer the usual pathologies of impending death. I would be happy to be wrong. But I have seen this before. I know the warning signs. All I can say is get ready. 
**[[Chris Hedges]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/05/21/coming-collapse The Coming Collapse], [[w:Common Dreams|''Common Dreams'']], (21 May 2018) 

*He doesn't know the Constitution, history, law, political philosophy, nuclear strategy, diplomacy, defense, economics beyond real estate, or even, despite his low-level-mafioso comportment, how ordinary people live. But trumping all this is a greater flaw presented as his chief strength. Governing a great nation in parlous times is far more than making &quot;deals.&quot; Compared with the weight of the office he seeks, his deals are microscopic in scale, and as he faced far deeper complexities he would lead the country into continual Russian roulette. If despite his poor judgment he could engage talented advisers, as they presented him with contending and fateful options the buck would stop with a man who simply grasps anything that floats by. Following Obama's, a Trump presidency would be yet more adventure [[tourism]] for a formerly serious republic.
**Mark Helprin, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* What bitch is Donald Trump hanging his dick inside of today?
** {{w|Doug Henderson}}, guitarist/singer/lyricist of {{w|Spongehead}} in the song &quot;Nothing&quot; from ''[[w:Curn Your Dogma|Curb Your Dogma]]'' (Triple X Records, 1993)

* There’s no question that America would be better off if the president would resign or be removed from office.  If that’s going to happen or how that should happen, I don’t know.  But we need leadership right now, and we need to stop all of this craziness.
** Larry Hogan, Republican Governor, as quoted in [https://www.baltimoresun.com/politics/bs-md-pol-hogan-capitol-20210107-7gjx3ksoqrhmrixhqr7zz2byom-story.html &quot;Maryland Gov. Hogan: ‘America would be better off’ if Trump resigns or is removed from office&quot;], 7 January 2021, &lt;i&gt; The Baltimore Sun &lt;/i&gt;

* It's unacceptable and abhorrent to attack Vice President Harris or anyone’s racial identity. The American people deserve better. 
** Larry Hogan, Republican Governor, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/live-updates/Kamala-Harris-Donald-Trump-100-days/?id=112358511&amp;entryId=112456624 &quot;GOP Senate candidate Larry Hogan slams Trump's NABJ Convention remarks&quot;], ''ABC News'' (July 31, 2024)

* &lt;p&gt;Trump undermines the free press because he wants to be the only ''legitimate'' source of information in society. He lies all the time to break down the processes by which we discern the truth about the world around us, and compile the observations and facts which make up the tapestry of reality. He has exposed the paper-thin vulnerability of our democratic society, which depends mightily on observing social norms—like yielding to shame—and a shared acceptance of some common set of truths.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The American president is determined to bulldoze this architecture of social structures, and usher in an era where force, not deliberation and cooperation, determines the path our society will take. If he never acknowledges any truth besides his own, he never has to do anything outside his own direct interests. He does not have to actually respond to any kind of criticism, or ever reconsider his course of action. Relentless lying, after all, is a form of coercion, in which you bend others to your will by forcing them to accept the infrastructure of your false reality—or to give up caring whether anything is true or false in the first place. Don't believe your eyes and ears. Everybody was cheering for me.&lt;/p&gt;
** Jack Holmes, Politics editor at Esquire.com, [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a27718993/donald-trump-press-conference-theresa-may-thousands-protesters/ &quot;Donald Trump's Press Conference With Theresa May Would Not Be Complete Without an Assault on Truth&quot;], Esquire.com (June 4, 2019)

*White tears, as [[Damon Young]] explains in The Root, are why defeated Southerners refused to accept the freedom of black slaves and formed the Ku Klux Klan. And white tears are why 63 percent of white men and 53 percent of white women elected a malignant man-child as their leader.
**[[Cathy Park Hong]] ''Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning'' (2020)

* Donald Trump regularly incites political [[violence]] and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and {{w|birther}} who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.
** Note appended to every article about Trump published by {{W|the Huffington Post}} as of January 2016, but removed after Trump's presidential victory.
**[http://www.politico.com/blogs/on-media/2016/01/huffpost-to-publish-anti-trump-kicker-with-all-trump-coverage-218345 HuffPost to publish anti-Trump kicker with all Trump coverage], at {{W|Politico}}, published January 28, 2016

* [The]  [[w:General Services Administration|agency]]'s ability to manage the [[Trump|former President]]'s [[conflicts of interest]] during his term in office when he was effectively on both sides of the [[contract]], as [[landlord]] and [[tenant]]
** [[w:House Oversight Committee|House Oversight Committee]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/08/politics/trump-hotel-dc/index.html &quot;Trump DC hotel incurred more than $70 million in losses while Trump was president, documents show]&quot; (October 8, 2021)

*Casting the Trump administration's credibility gap into sharp relief, allies like Japan and [[Germany]] have demanded more &quot;credible&quot; evidence to support the U.S. claim.  While President Donald Trump and Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] have been unequivocal in their assertion that Iran was responsible for the attacks on two oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman last week, some of America's closest allies are demanding more proof.  &lt;BR&gt;Both Japan and Germany have requested more concrete evidence... [[Jeremy Corbyn]], Britain's opposition leader, said more &quot;credible evidence&quot; was needed to support Trump's allegation....  According to ''The New York Times'', other European leaders have also been hesitant to lay the blame on Iran ― a doubt fueled in part by their &quot;distrust of the Trump administration and its hawkish policy toward Tehran,&quot; the paper said. 
**[[w:Huffington Post|Huffington Post]], [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-administration-allies-iran-tanker-pompeo_n_5d072ea3e4b0985c419ff17d   ''Pompeo Claims There's ‘No Doubt' Iran Attacked Tankers, But U.S. Allies Want Proof, Huffington Post,'' Dominique Mosbergen]   (17 June 2019)

*We do not need to have a president that undermines our [[rule of law]], that goes in the courtroom as he did today in New York and acts like a child, a petulant child. We don't need that in America. We need adults in the room.
**[[w:Asa Hutchinson|Asa Hutchinson]], [https://www.wmur.com/article/asa-hutchinson-trump-courtroom-dispute/45759110|Asa Hutchinson calls Trump a 'petulant child' after courtroom dispute with judge], [[w:WMUR-TV|WMUR-9]] (6 November 2023)

=== I ===

* Donald Trump is a clear and present danger to the republic.  He’s disqualified based on character and rationality, so I’ll be voting for Kamala Harris.
* I feel sorry for him.  He’s really quite a sick puppy. He needs some help.
* He’s been unfaithful to three wives.  Why would we, at the altar with him as the fourth, think that he’s going to be faithful to us? Talk about irrationality.
* If Donald Trump loses, that would be a good thing for the Republican Party.  Because then we could have a Republican rethink and get a correction.
** Bob Inglis, Former six-term S.C.  Republican Congressman, quoted in  [https://charlestoncitypaper.com/2024/09/17/inglis-endorses-harris-calling-trump-a-clear-and-present-danger/ &quot;Inglis endorses Harris, calling Trump ‘a clear and present danger’&quot;], ''Charleston City Paper'' (September 17, 2024)

===J===
*It was an honor to visit with President [[Donald Trump]]. He was friendly, remarkably kind, and incredibly generous with his time.
**6 June 2023 [https://x.com/GlennJacobsTN/status/1666097552100585473 tweet] by [[Glenn Jacobs]], the mayor of Knox County

* Mr. Trump has crossed the line. More than one line. Captain Khan died in battle trying valiantly to save others. There is no place for criticism, stated or implied, of this brave soldier. He served our country. He is buried in [[w:Arlington National Cemetery|Arlington National Cemetery]] along with those of many ethnic backgrounds and religious denominations. They served our country. Mr. Trump did not. Criticizing Mrs. Khan for not speaking on stage is vile beyond words. No Gold Star Mother should ever be treated like that. Mr. Trump, you owe Mrs. Khan and all Gold Star families a huge apology.
** {{w|Jewish War Veterans of the United States of America}}, about Trump's statements on the [[Khizr and Ghazala Khan|Khan family]] ''[http://www.jwv.org/content/press_release/jewish_war_veterans_condemns_remarks_of_donald_trump Jewish War Veterans Condemns Remarks of Donald Trump]'' (2016)

*Of course, I recognize the president’s unique relationship with the press and how it compares with past presidents. I am curious myself how it will impact the future, if at all. But the tension between the press and the president is nothing new. President Trump expresses it more frequently and more … colorfully than others.
**[[Weijia Jiang]], as quoted in in [https://asiasociety.org/blog/asia/cbs-news-weijia-jiang-newsroom-diversity-covid-19-racism-and-covering-president-trump &quot;CBS News' Weijia Jiang on Newsroom Diversity, COVID-19 Racism, and Covering President Trump&quot; in ''Asia Society'' (27 May 2020)]

* The problem is, I know Trump, so my [[optimism]] has been squashed like a baby bird ... Everything bad I had to say about him, I said to his face. ... I think he's very good, very compelling on that show [''Celebrity Apprentice''] ... I really like him because of his absence of filters. I really like the glimpse we get into the human [[heart]] we get when someone loses their filters ... &quot;[[Thelonious Monk|A genius is the one most like himself.]]&quot; In a really weird way, Donald Trump has achieved that. If he weren't running for president, you'd be seeing essays from me about how much I learned from Donald Trump and how much I loved being on the show ... I'm feeling so, so, so guilty, because I feel like, along with millions of other people, I played right into this. The [[cynicism]] of the Clintons, the careful, tightrope walk of all politicians, forced me, as an atheist, to get down on my knees and [[pray]] that someone would come along with some kind of [[authenticity]]. Well, [[God|someone]] called my bluff, goddamn it. ... The stuff [Trump] is saying on immigration, the stuff he saying on [[torture]], the stuff he is saying on [[war]], is absolutely unforgivable ... He is coming out directly against the Statue of Liberty. I'm a pure and utter peacenik. I want a president who sings the praises of people, sings the praises of [[peace]] and sings the praises of working together for a great country ... [[Abraham Lincoln]] wouldn't have laughed about waterboarding ... I want a president that is [[kinder]], [[smarter]] and more measured than me. ... I disagree with [[Hillary Clinton]] on just about everything there is to disagree with a person about. If it comes down to Trump and Hillary, I will put a Hillary Clinton sticker on my fucking car. ...  Someone who is paying [[attention]] can do the same thing that Trump is doing with [[hate]], and do it with [[love]], and become president ... That's kind of beautiful. There's nothing more optimistic than that. ... Donald Trump does, when it comes right down to it, fuck up everything ... He fucks up his casinos. He fucks up his buildings.... Maybe he'll fuck up his campaign before he fucks up the country.
** [[Penn Jillette]], as quoted in [http://www.newsweek.com/penn-jillette-terrified-president-trump-431837 &quot;Why Penn Jillette is Terrified of a President Trump&quot; by Grant Burningham, in ''Newsweek'' (1 March 2016)]

* I did two tours of duty on ''{{W|Celebrity Apprentice}}'' and I referred to someone who I knew was a dipshit, who I knew was a loser and a liar, as &quot;Mr. Trump.&quot; And I didn't laugh out loud when they said he was a billionaire. And I didn’t laugh out loud when they said he was a good businessman. '''I knew he was a terrible businessman. I knew he wasn't really rich. I knew he was a liar. I knew all of that. And I sat there in a suit. What harm does it do to be on a TV show? To pretend that someone is a successful businessman? Turns out it matters a lot.'''
** Penn Jillette, as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-features/penn-and-teller-interview-guns-trump-magic-bullet-catch-david-blaine-1234833297/ Penn &amp; Teller on Giving Up Guns and Why Trump Is ‘The End of America’], by Brenna Ehrlich, in ''Rolling Stone'' (1 October 2023)

* The only reason I wouldn't go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.
** [[Boris Johnson]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/boris-johnson/12039931/Boris-Johnson-The-only-reason-I-wouldnt-visit-some-parts-of-New-York-is-the-real-risk-of-meeting-Donald-Trump.html Boris Johnson: 'The only reason I wouldn't visit some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump'] by Helena Horton, ''[[w:The Telegraph|The Telegraph]]'' (8 December 2015)

* Donald Trump's a pussy.
**[[Gary Johnson]], in [http://www.kob.com/albuquerque-news/gary-johnson-calls-donald-trump-pussy-at-libertarian-debate/4064122/#.VuDZG5wrLqY U.S. Libertarian Party debate] (2016)

=== K ===
*I'm rooting for him to do well for the same reason I root for a pilot on my airplane to do well.
**{{W|John Kasich}}, [http://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/332198-kasich-i-dont-know-what-im-going-to-do-in-2020 Kasich: ‘I don't know what I'm going to do' in 2020], ''The Hill'', May 6 2017

* The Trump phenomenon is better understood as an amalgam of three different, largely pathological strains in [[American history quotes|American history]] and [[culture]]... The first and perhaps most obvious strain is hostility toward immigrants... In the 1850s, the [[w:American Party|American Party]], labeled the 'Know-Nothings' by its opponents, accused [[Irish people|Irish]] and [[Germans|German]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]] of being agents of the pope and a threat... Later in the century, white workers on the Pacific coast led a mass campaign against [[Chinese people|Chinese]] newcomers, whom they blamed for undercutting wages... Federal lawmakers affirmed their bigotry by excluding any Chinese laborers... In the 1920s, fears of Slavs, Jews, Italians, and others suspected of being hostile to America's white 'Nordic' heritage persuaded Congress to impose quotas that all but banned immigrants... Trump's attacks on 'rapists and murderers' crossing the southern border and on potential Muslim terrorists jetting across the Atlantic belong to this long and ignominious tradition.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* His vow to 'Make America Great Again' lacks any explanation of what or who made it so wonderful before. Searching his website for clues turns up no proposals that might credibly bring about a national revival, unless one believes that a simplified tax code and a stern crackdown on illegal immigration amount to a sufficient blueprint for major change.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* The allure of Trump's candidacy and the dread it provokes at home and abroad stem from the same impulses, which run deep in U.S. political culture. A rich man whose name is familiar to everyone bashes people whom many citizens either fear or mistrust and makes vague promises to fix whatever ails the nation. And he does all this with a smirk, a threat, and yet also with a yearning for respect, even from those he routinely assaults in speeches. Trump probably will not be elected president, and it would be a disaster if he was. But his act is hardly as novel as he, and many of his fans and his critics, believe. After he leaves the stage, another wealthy performer with a talent for bombast and no political record to defend may well take his place.
** {{w|Michael Kazin}}, [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/blog/trump-in-context-us-history-know-nothing &quot;Trump in Context&quot;] (14 December 2015), ''Dissent''

* Trump is no true conservative. He's not even a reactionary in the best sense of the word. He's a self-aggrandizing opportunist. His policies go no further than his catchphrase, 'you're fired'. Listening to his first television ad is like a preview for a bad movie; an empty supercut of the highlights, or lowlights, without the plot being revealed because it's so thin. Trump is no everyman. He built his empire with $100 million from his wealthy father. Far from born into working or middle class, Trump never struggled a day in his life except by his own failings in business and the resulting repeated bankruptcies. His privileged background enabled him to make money off money; not exactly high on the hierarchy of middle-class values. As for being incorruptible, Trump gave big to politicians. He admitted that was meant to buy favors. His policy positions are similarly ephemeral; he supported the Big Government policies of Democrats and slippery values of the Clintons when it suited him. Steadfast, he is not.
** Sean Kennedy, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/07/opinions/kennedy-donald-trump/index.html &quot;Donald Trump must be destroyed&quot;] (8 January 2016), ''CNN'', Georgia: Cable News Network

* Donald Trump is convincingly playing the role of a pandering demagogue. He seeks to stir up a passionate reaction that serves the purposes of his ambition. [[Founding Fathers of the United States|America's founders]] repeatedly warned against such demagoguery, because it sets people up for tyranny. Given his background, it's advisable to assume Donald Trump is being used by the enemies of rightful liberty to lead otherwise sincerely conservative people down a blind canyon into the withering fire of their elitist foes... Given this track record, before following Trump's lead, shouldn't people sincerely anxious to restore America's constitutional liberty carefully examine the nature of his purported advocacy? With much fanfare, Trump is being attacked by his erstwhile elitist faction buddies. But has he attacked them for treacherous betrayal of the security and sovereignty of the American people?
** [[Alan Keyes]], [http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/is-donald-the-elitist-factions-trump/#edXLUkSiiwg8yZ3j.99 &quot;Is Donald the Elitist Faction's Trump?&quot;] (16 July 2015), ''WND''

* Every president lies at some point, for diplomatic or national security reasons or to sell a policy. But Trump is not known for one big lie — just a constant stream of exaggerated, invented, inconsistent, dubious and false claims. In the nine years I have run The Fact Checker, I have never encountered a politician so cavalier about the facts, so unconcerned with accuracy, so willing to attack people for made-up reasons and so determined to falsely depict his achievements.
** Glenn Kessler, editor and chief writer of The Washington Post Fact Checker, in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2020/06/02/fact-checking-donald-trump-essential-american-politics-column/5301135002/ Fact-checking Trump: He's on a dangerous path that must be documented and discouraged (June 2, 2020)]

* Donald Trump has asked why I did not speak at the Democratic convention. He said he would like to hear from me. Here is my answer to Donald Trump: Because without saying a thing, all the world, all America, felt my pain. I am a Gold Star mother. Whoever saw me felt me in their heart.
* Donald Trump said I had nothing to say. I do. My son Humayun Khan, an Army captain, died 12 years ago in Iraq. He loved America, where we moved when he was 2 years old. He had volunteered to help his country, signing up for the ROTC at the [[w:University of Virginia|University of Virginia]]. This was before the attack of Sept. 11, 2001. He didn't have to do this, but he wanted to. 
* I cannot walk into a room with pictures of Humayun. For all these years, I haven't been able to clean the closet where his things are — I had to ask my daughter-in-law to do it. Walking onto the convention stage, with a huge picture of my son behind me, I could hardly control myself. What mother could? Donald Trump has children whom he loves. Does he really need to wonder why I did not speak?
* Donald Trump said that maybe I wasn't allowed to say anything. That is not true. My husband asked me if I wanted to speak, but I told him I could not. My religion teaches me that all human beings are equal in God's eyes. Husband and wife are part of each other; you should love and respect each other so you can take care of the family. When Donald Trump is talking about Islam, he is ignorant. If he studied the real Islam and Koran, all the ideas he gets from terrorists would change, because terrorism is a different religion. Donald Trump said he has made a lot of sacrifices. He doesn't know what the word sacrifice means.
** [[Ghazala Khan]], mother of fallen U.S. Army Captain [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun S. M. Khan]]. ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/ghazala-khan-donald-trump-criticized-my-silence-he-knows-nothing-about-true-sacrifice/2016/07/31/c46e52ec-571c-11e6-831d-0324760ca856_story.html Ghazala Khan: Trump criticized my silence. He knows nothing about true sacrifice.]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (July 31, 2016)

* Muslims are American, Muslims are [[citizens]], Muslims participate in the well-being of this country as American citizens. We are proud American citizens. It's the values of this country that brought us here, not our religion. Trump's position on these issues do not represent those values.
** Khizr M. Khan in an interview with ''{{w|Vocativ}}''. [http://www.vocativ.com/259159/the-father-of-a-muslim-war-hero-has-this-to-say-to-donald-trump/] (December 08, 2015)

* If it was up to Donald Trump, he never would have been in America. Donald Trump consistently smears the character of Muslims. He disrespects other minorities, women, [[judges]], even his own party leadership. He vows to build walls and ban us from this country. Donald Trump, you are asking Americans to [[trust]] you with our [[future]]. Let me ask you: Have you even read the U.S. Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words &quot;liberty&quot; and &quot;equal protection of law.&quot; Have you ever been to {{w|Arlington Cemetery}}? Go look at the graves of the brave [[patriots]] who died defending America — you will see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one. We can't solve our problems by building walls and sowing division. We are Stronger Together.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], speech during the final day of the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}} in [[Philadelphia]]. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/dnc-2016-khizr-khan-donald-trump-read-full-transcript-father-muslim-soldier-a7161616.html] (29 July 2016)

* His policies, his practices, do not reflect that he has any understanding of the basic, fundamental [[constitutional]] [[principles]] of this country, what makes this country [[exceptional]], what makes this country exceptional in the [[history]] of the mankind. There are principles of equal [[dignity]], principle of liberty. He talks about excluding people, [[disrespecting]] judges, the entire judicial system, immigrants, Muslim immigrants. These are divisive rhetoric that is totally against the basic constitutional principle. If you read the Constitution, you will either deliberately would be violating those principles or you have not read. That is why I have watched whole ear and rest of the world has watched, and the [[love]] and affection and support that we have received after my statement, at every corner of the street, at every place. The [[affection]], the support, the love that I have received, that we continue to receive is a testament that he is talking about [[ignorance]]. He is not fully aware of these principles.
* Two things are absolutely necessary in any [[leader]] or any person that aspires, wishes, to be a leader. That is [[moral]] compass and second is [[empathy]]. This candidate is void of both traits that are necessary for the stewardship of this country.
* I do not believe his whole year-long rhetoric, division, excluding people, talking about them derogatorily, has prepared him. He promised to the Republican leadership that he will change his manner, he will not be as ignorant as he had been. But he had continued. Those two traits of moral compass and empathy are absolutely necessary for the leader of a free world leader of nation like United States.
* This candidate for [[presidency]] to not be aware of the respect of a gold star mother standing there, and he had to take that shot at her, this is height of ignorance. This is why I showed him that Constitution. Had he read that, he would know what status a gold star mother holds in that nation. This country holds such a person in the highest regard. And he has no [[knowledge]], no awareness. That is height of his ignorance. She is ill. She had high blood pressure. People that know her, looked at her face, and she said, &quot;I may fall off the stage.&quot; And I told her that, you have to assemble yourself and stand for the [[beauty]] of this tribute that is being paid. This person is total incapable of empathy. I want his [[family]] to counsel him, teach him some empathy. He will be a better person if he could become -- but he is a black soul. And this is totally unfit for the leadership of this beautiful country, the love and affection that we have received affirms that our beliefs, our experience in this country had been correct and positive. The world is receiving us like we have never seen. They have seen the blackness of his character, of his [[soul]], that he is void of recognizing, empathizing with people.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], on an interview with {{w|CNN}} about Donald Trump saying that Khan's wife didn't speak because she was forbidden. [http://mediamatters.org/video/2016/07/31/cnn-khizr-khan-shreds-trumps-height-ignorance-response-his-democratic-convention-speech/212039] (July 31, 2016)

* I have exactly the same rights as he does. He had been abusing, disrespecting women, judges, all decent Americans. He had been so abusive of them. I exercise exactly the same rights. That, again, proves his ignorance. He wants to have one set of rights for himself, and he wants to have another set of rights for others. No, somebody should tell him that there is equal dignity, equal protection of law in this country. That is why that Constitution came to play. I keep that in my pocket, because I cherish this document. I wish somebody would read it to him. Certain fundamental values that enshrine in this document.
* Donald Trump needs to sit with his advisers and portray to this world that he is empathetic. You solve the problems with empathy, putting people together. There are bad people among us, but there are good people among us, as well. You gather good people to get rid of bad people, but you do not malign the whole religion -- the whole culture.
* We are the solution to the dealing with the terrorism in the United States. Join hands with good Muslims. Only war is not the solution. It is one of the solutions. Communities coming together is the solution. We are as concerned as Donald Trump is about the safety of this country. We are testament to the goodness of this country. We need to stop fighting with one another, but we need a leader that will unite us, not disrespect, not by derogatory remarks. I feel bad about the discourse that this campaign -- this election campaign has taken. We need to join hands. We have a very serious problem of this for the safety of the citizens of this country. We are solution. Look, the treatment of Muslims in France and other places, there is much worse security issues than United States does.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], in an interview in ''New Day'' on CNN Monday [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1608/01/nday.03.html] (August 1, 2016)

* When a person becomes Commander-in- Chief, president, you are president and Commander-in-Chief of everybody that has supported you and that has not supported you.
** [[Khizr M. Khan]], in an interview in ''{{w|Anderson Cooper 360°}}'' [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1608/02/acd.02.html Transcript] (August 2, 2016)

* But, far from making remarks of any persuasive power that can be viewed to be helpful to defusing tension, he made unprecedented rude nonsense one has never heard from any of his predecessors. A frightened dog barks louder. [...] He is unfit to hold the prerogative of supreme command of a country, and he is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician. [...] Action is the best option in treating the dotard who, hard of hearing, is uttering only what he wants to say. [...] I will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged U.S. dotard with fire.
** [[Kim Jong-un]], quoted in {{citation |date=2018-09-22 |title=Trump Is A Rogue And Gangster Playing With Fire- North Korean Leader, Kim Jong |author=Seun Oyedele |periodical=Odua Voice |url=https://www.oduavoice.com/2017/09/22/trump-is-a-rogue-and-gangster-playing-with-fire-north-korean-leader-kim-jong/}}

* Donald Trump is a [[fascist]]. ... Not in the sense of an all-purpose [[bad]] guy, but in the sense of somebody who sincerely believes that the toxic combination of strong [[government]] and strong [[corporations]] should run the [[nation]] and the [[world]]. He spent his previous career negotiating with the government on behalf of corporations; now he has switched teams. But it's the same game.
** [[Michael Kinsley]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-actually-a-fascist/2016/12/09/e193a2b6-bd77-11e6-94ac-3d324840106c_story.html?utm_term=.6aa47d53b2b7 Donald Trump is actually a fascist]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 9, 2016)

* If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers through his hair.
** {{citation
 | author = Jarod Kintz
 | date = 2011-05-18
 | title = This Book is Not For Sale
}}

* We want every vote counted, yes every legal vote (of course). But, if you have legit concerns about fraud present EVIDENCE and take it to court.  &lt;b&gt;STOP Spreading debunked [[misinformation]]... This is getting insane. &lt;/b&gt;
** [[Adam Kinzinger]], Republican Congress member (2020-11-06) to Donald Trump about the 2020 election, &lt;i&gt;[https://twitter.com/RepKinzinger/status/1324503564891414528 Tweet] &lt;/i&gt;

* Yesterday, it became evident that not only has the president abdicated his duty to protect the people and the people’s house, he invoked and inflamed passions that only gave fuel to the insurrection that we saw here. When pressed to move and denounce the violence, he barely did so while of course victimizing himself and seeming to give a wink and a nod to those doing it.  All indications are that the president has become unmoored, not just from his duty or even his oath but reality, itself. It is for this reason that I call on the vice president and members of the Cabinet to ensure the next few weeks are safe for the American people and that we have a sane captain of the ship.  
** Adam Kinzinger, quoted by {{citation
 | author = Rick Pearson, Lisa Donovan
 | date = 2020-01-07
 | title = Republican US Rep. Adam Kinzinger calls for 25th Amendment to remove President Trump from office
 | url = https://www.chicagotribune.com/politics/ct-adam-kinzinger-trump-calls-for-invoking-25th-amendment-20210107-ldf2chdunbecbo6ry6uino4dpq-story.html
}}

* The worst president the USA ever had. He was a liar and a charlatan. And he was a man with a most fragile ego I ever met.
** Adam Kinzinger, quoted by {{citation
 | author = Bradley Cortright
 | date = 2022-02-07
 | title = Kinzinger Ramps Up Criticism of Trump: I Will Tell My Son He Was the 'Worst President'
 | url = https://ijr.com/kinzinger-ramps-criticism-trump-will-tell-son-worst-president/
}}

* I have spent my life building bridges and tearing down barriers — not building walls. That’s why I find Donald Trump’s belief that an American-born judge of Mexican descent is incapable of fairly presiding over his case is not only dead wrong, it is un-American. As the Presidential campaign progressed, I was hoping the rhetoric would tone down and reflect a campaign that was inclusive, thoughtful and principled. While I oppose the Democratic nominee, Donald Trump’s latest statements, in context with past attacks on Hispanics, women and the disabled like me, make it certain that I cannot and will not support my party’s nominee for President regardless of the political impact on my candidacy or the Republican Party. It is absolutely essential that we are guided by a commander-in-chief with a responsible and proper temperament, discretion and judgment. Our President must be fit to command the most powerful military the world has ever seen, including an arsenal of thousands of nuclear weapons. After much consideration, I have concluded that Donald Trump has not demonstrated the temperament necessary to assume the greatest office in the world.
** [[Mark Kirk]], quoted in ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160608015204/http://chicago.suntimes.com/news/sen-mark-kirk-withdraws-support-for-trump/ Sen. Mark Kirk withdraws support for Trump]'' by Lynn Sweet, 7 June 2016, ''{{w|Chicago Sun-Times}}''.

* Donald Trump — a political neophyte, a New York loudmouth who plays fast and loose with the truth, a massive [[egotism|egotist]] and a not altogether pleasant human being — has delivered conservatives one of the greatest years in living memory and has made our government more [[morality|moral]] in the process. The left and many on the right didn't see it coming because they [[hate]] the man. And because they didn't see it coming, they won't see that it's come.
** [[Andrew Klavan]], &quot;[https://pjmedia.com/andrewklavan/trump-has-made-our-government-more-moral/ Trump Has Made Our Government More Moral]&quot;, ''PJ Media'' (December 15, 2017)

*these children are ready to deliver their moral verdict on the people and institutions who knew all about the dangerous, depleted world they would inherit and yet chose not to act. They know what they think of Donald Trump in the United States and Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil and Scott Morrison in Australia and all the other leaders who torch the planet with defiant glee while denying science so basic that these kids could grasp it easily at age eight.
**[[Naomi Klein]] ''On Fire: The (Burning) Case for a Green New Deal'' (2019)

* President Trump has violated many of the norms and [[w:Law of the United States|laws]] on which our democracy depends. He circumvents [[United States Congress|Congress]] [[w:National Emergency Concerning the Southern Border of the United States|by declaring the “crisis” at the border a national emergency]]. He orders his staff to ignore {{w|subpoena}}s. He uses his presidential status to enhance his [[w:Trump family|family]]’s wealth. He demands absolute loyalty from his appointees. He treats truth like a despot and jokes with [[Vladimir Putin]] about his “[[w:Fake news#Usage of the term by Donald Trump|fake news]]” problem. He boasts about [[w:Donald Trump sexual misconduct allegations|his misogyny]] and [[Racial views of Donald Trump|spews racist insults]]. Trump is not a [[despot]]. But neither were [[Mussolini]] and [[Hitler]] early on. No [[w:Blackshirts|black]] or {{w|brown shirts}} march in our streets. President Trump’s enablers wear white shirts and black robes. They are unified. Democrats are not.
** [[Claudia Koonz]], ''[https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/173030 Autocrats do not need a majority to destroy democracy. A divided opposition helps them.]'' (September 15, 2019), ''{{w|History News Network}}''.

* Look, Trump has been elected, he will be our president and he has the right to choose conservatives. But instead of turning to the many principled Republicans available, he seems drawn to hotheads and [[bigots]], embarrassing himself and our nation.
** [[Nicholas D. Kristof]], ''[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/20/opinion/sunday/so-many-options-yet-donald-trump-picks-the-ugly.html Trump Embarrasses Himself and Our Country]'', ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (November 19, 2016)

*Isn't Donald Trump the very epitome of vulgarity? In sum... Isn't [[Trumpism]] a two-bit Caesarism of a kind that American conservatives have always disdained? Isn't the task of conservatives today to stand athwart Trumpism, yelling Stop?
** [[Bill Kristol|William Kristol]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* What do African-Americans have to lose, asks Donald Trump.
** [[Paul Krugman]], about the comments of Trump on African Americans in the United States. [https://twitter.com/paulkrugman/status/766985736843165696 Twitter, August 20, 2016]

=== L ===

* There is nothing like a common adversary to make people recognize what they have in common. Once there was consensus that civility, compassion, immigration, equal opportunity and foreign allies were good; that racism, misogyny, discrimination, voter suppression and foreign autocrats were bad; that respect for the U.S. military, intelligence community, political leaders, science, the Constitution and the rule of law was a given; that the American promise was based on good faith, compromise and checks and balances; and that presidents should be role models.
** {{citation |date=2020-10-19 |title=Trump’s COVID-19 Misinformation Since Testing Positive | author= Jill Lawren | periodical=USA Today | url=https://usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2020/10/19/never-trump-conservatives-for-biden-patriots-role-models-column/3696503001/}}

* On January 20, 2017, Donald John Trump became president, unskilled in the machinery of government and unmoved morally by the calling of the position, but aglow in his unmatched power. The first three years of Trump's term revealed a presidency of one, in which the universal value was loyalty- not to the country, but to the president himself. Scandal, bluster, and uninhibited chaos reigned. Decisions were driven by a reflexive logic of self-preservation and self-aggrandizement. Delusions born of narcissism and insecurity overtook reality.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 1

* The year 2020 will be remembered in the American epoch as one of anguish and abject failure. The coronavirus pandemic killed more than half a million people in the United States and infected tens of millions more, the deadliest health crisis in a century. Through the administration's [[w:Operation Warp Speed|Operation Warp Speed]] helped produce [[COVID-19 vaccine|vaccines]] in record time, its overall coronavirus response was mismanaged by the president and marred by ineptitude and backbiting. The virus was only one of the crises Trump confronted in 2020. The pandemic paralyzed the economy, plunging the nation into a recession during which low-wage workers, many of them minorities, suffered the most. The May 25 killing of [[George Floyd]], a Black man, under the knee of a white police officer ignited protests for racial justice and an end to police discrimination and brutality. Yet Trump sought to exploit the simmering divisions for personal political gain, quickly declared himself &quot;your president of law and order&quot; and relentlessly pressured Pentagon leaders to deploy active-duty troops against [[Black Lives Matter]] protestors. The worsening [[Global warming|climate crisis]], meanwhile, was almost entirely ignored Trump, who earlier in his term had rolled back [[Environmentalism|environmental]] regulations and withdrawn the United States from the [[Paris Agreement]]. The president was instead preoccupied with stoking doubts about the legitimacy of the election. After he lost to Joe Biden, Trump fanned the flames of conspiracies and howled about fraud that did not exist. His false claims of a &quot;rigged election&quot; inspired thousands of people to storm the Capitol in [[2021 United States Capitol attack|a violent and ultimately failed insurrection on January 6, 2021]].
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 2

* Most of Trump's failings can be explained by a simple truth: He cared more about himself than the country. Whether managing the coronavirus or reacting to his election defeat, Trump prioritized what he thought to be his political and personal interests over the common good.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 4

* ...shrewdness, coupled with shamelessness and unnatural political stamina, allowed Trump to deliver on many of his political promises. He pleased his conservative base by remaking the federal judiciary, including with three nominations to the Supreme Court; cutting taxes on corporations and the wealthy; expanding the military; toughening border enforcement; and weakening the regulatory state. Trump also forged new bilateral trade agreements, negotiated peace accords in the Middle East, and won concessions from European allies he had argued were taking advantage of the United States. Trump nearly won a second term. More than 74 million people voted to reelect him- the second-highest total ever recorded, the highest being Biden's 81 million. Were it not for Biden's victories in a handful of swing states, Trump would have won the electoral college and secured four more years in office. It would be foolhardy then to dismiss his presidency as a failure and to turn the page on this period. Rather, we must try to understand what made him so appealing to so many, and what that reveals about the country.
** Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 6-7

*Deserate people do desperate things in desperate times, unfortunately the American people  are facing desperate times of [[COVID-19]], but '''this  president is in desperate times'''... as he speaks ill about senator Harris '''he speaks ill about women''', and we hear it and it is a '''loud siren across this nation'''
**[[Sheila Jackson Lee]] on [https://www.facebook.com/AC360/videos/trump-intentionally-mispronouncing-kamala-harris-name/715040455763281/ Anderson Cooper 360 (video)] on  October 26, 2020

* Sadism has even found a prominent position in popular culture. Many prime-time television series now owe their staying power to the sadistic impulses they exploit on the tube. Audience members find tremendous enjoyment in viewing horrified contestants who devour worms and insects on NBC's ''Fear Factor''; Donald Trump who exclaims without nuance, &quot;You're fired&quot; on his wildly popular series, ''The Apprentice''...
** Jack Levin and James Alan Fox, &quot;Normalcy in Behavioral Characteristics of the Sadistic Serial Killer&quot;, Chapter 1 in ''Serial Murder and the Psychology of Violent Crimes'', edited by Richard N. Kocsis, 2008 Humana Press; p. 12-13

*Donald Trump is no conservative. That's not a crime, it's just a reason to vote against him. Many fine people are not conservatives. But the reason Trump's candidacy should worry the Right runs much deeper than that. He poses a direct challenge to conservatism, because he embodies the empty promise of managerial leadership outside of politics.
** Yuval Levin, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

*Trump...is an unstable, reckless and irrational extremist who is not bound by the rule of any law, and is eager to dismantle all constraints on the looting of the planet. If he wins again, he will be even less constrained. Some of his actions will be catastrophically irreversible.
**[[Aurora Levins Morales]] [https://convergencemag.com/articles/midnight-in-the-latrines-again/ &quot;Midnight in the Latrines&quot;] (2020)

*We have now arrived at a point where what is being spouted by Donald Trump, and others, amounts to a shallow, vulgar, uncompassionate conservatism. Sadly, to many Republicans, [[George W. Bush|Bush]] is now a punchline, and Trump is the fad of the moment.
** Matt Lewis, [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/11/25/you-guys-i-m-starting-to-miss-dubya.html &quot;You Guys, I'm Starting to Miss Dubya&quot;] (25 November 2015), ''The Daily Beast''

*President Trump’s order to take out [[Qasem Soleimani]] was morally, constitutionally and strategically correct. It deserves more bipartisan support than the begrudging or negative reactions it has received thus far from my fellow Democrats.
** [[Joe Lieberman]], [https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-democrats-and-iran-11578262553 &quot;The Democrats and Iran&quot;], ''[[w:The Wall Street Journal|The Wall Street Journal]]'' (January 5, 2020)

*I know Donald Trump. He's been a frequent guest on my radio and television programs, and I introduced him at the [[w:Conservative Political Action Conference|Conservative Political Action Conference]] in 2015. He has always been amiable and complimentary. I genuinely like him. But not as my presidential pick.
** [[Dana Loesch]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump's time in the White House is finally over.  His presidency can be summarized as chaos, division, threats and hate.  It's a wake up call for what can happen when hate and extremism are let in.  
** [[w:Stefan Löfven|Stefan Löfven]], Prime Minister of Sweden, on [https://www.facebook.com/stefanlofven/posts/5326105824096935 FaceBook, January 20 2021] (in Swedish).

*While Trump's appeal to various groups may be understandable, he makes a terrible champion for Republicans, and especially for conservatives. By the standards we typically use to evaluate candidates — their records, their views, their popularity with the general public, their experience, their temperament, their character — Trump should be dismissed out of hand. No candidate is perfect, but large numbers of conservatives have never before supported any candidate so obviously deficient in all of these respects. That Trump has a long history of liberal positions that extends even into the fairly recent past should not by itself be disqualifying. Conservatism has always welcomed converts. But conservatives have also expected some demonstrated commitment to their principles, some action that advanced their causes, before seeking to elevate a convert to high office. When Mitt Romney ran for the Senate in 1994, for example, he tried to distance himself from Reagan-era conservatism. He later moved right. But even on his least conservative day, Romney was arguing for a smaller government and lower taxes (and for an end to [[Ted Kennedy]]'s career). Trump, by contrast, has done essentially nothing for any conservative cause prior to deciding to run for the Republican presidential nomination. 
** [[Rich Lowry]] and Ramesh Ponnuru, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/425010/donald-trump-lowry-ponnuru &quot;Trump Wrongs The Right&quot;] (19 October 2015), ''National Review''.

* Trump obviously never meant to impose a wealth test on his administration, or he would have failed it himself. He is proof that a fortune isn't necessarily an obstacle to being a champion of an agenda of {{w|populist}} reform.
** [[Rich Lowry]], ''[http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/11/no-the-swamp-wont-be-drained-214493 No, the Swamp Won't Be Drained]'', ''{{w|Politico}}'' (December 01, 2016)

* He wouldn't {{w|drain the swamp}}, but merely feed different alligators.
** [[Rich Lowry]], ''[http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/11/no-the-swamp-wont-be-drained-214493 No, the Swamp Won't Be Drained]'', ''{{w|Politico}}'' (December 01, 2016)

* No participant in an administration that caged children, performed involuntary surgeries on captive women, and scoffed at science as millions were infected with a deadly virus should be enriched by the almost rote largesse of a big book deal. And no one who incited, suborned, instigated, or otherwise supported the January 6, 2021 coup attempt should have their philosophies remunerated and disseminated through our beloved publishing houses.
** Barry Lyga, novelist, in a letter signed by more than 250 authors, editors, agents, professors and others in the American literary community, as quoted in {{citation |date=2021-01-15 |title=Hundreds in publishing sign letter objecting to book deals for the Trump administration | author= Dorany Pineda | periodical=Los Angeles Times | url=https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2021-01-15/book-world-signs-letter-to-block-trump-book-deals}}

* When you get up there and try to say you want to see Hillary Clinton win, that wouldn't go over so big. Trump has sold me. What more can I say? I just think he's the only one who's going to turn this country around.
** [[Loretta Lynn]], as quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/01/13/this-huge-country-star-just-revealed-the-republican-shes-supporting-for-president/ &quot;This Huge Country Star Just Revealed The Republican She's Supporting For President&quot;] by Kaitlan Collins, ''The Daily Caller'' (13 January 2016)

=== M ===
* [Trump ... alpha male] they’re overcompensating for how insecure they feel — a man who is secure with himself, a human who is secure with themselves, doesn’t have to go around bullying people all the time.
** [[Madonna]] stating it was not true that she had ever asked Donald Trump for a date according to [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/05/magazine/madonna-madame-x.html Madonna at Sixty] published June 5, 2019

*Donald Trump, for all of his bluster, is at least authentically stupid... All these other guys are clown posers. Trump is the genuine article. And, God help me, I think I'd rather have him sitting in the Oval Office, getting stupidly out-maneuvered by the politicians under him, than bringing in a guy like [[Ben Carson|Carson]] who is willing to shred every last bit of his intellectual credibility in order to lord over a citizenry he doesn't seem to have much respect for.
** {{w|Drew Magary}}, [http://www.gq.com/story/fuck-ben-carson &quot;F*ck Ben Carson&quot;], ''GQ'' (8 October 2015)

* New Rule: Whenever you think the [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says &quot;We're serious about fiscal responsibility&quot; quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times.
** {{citation
 | author = [[Bill Maher]]
 | year = 2011
 | title = The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
 | location = New York
 | publisher = Blue Rider Press
 | isbn = 978-0399158414
}}

* Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally— he's the white [[Kanye West|Kanye]]. And they are gonna love him. For a party whose base adores belligerence, this is the guy.
** [[Bill Maher]], {{citation
 | date = 2015-06-26
 | title = Real Time with Bill Maher
 | medium = TV
 | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTL-M3e6lq0
}}

* Did you know that of the 14 states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump?
** [[Bill Maher]] ''Real Time with Bill Maher'', January 20th 2017

* His behavior defies the traditional definition of what it means to be &quot;manly.&quot; He wears bronzer, loves gold and gossip, is obsessed with his physical appearance, whines constantly, can't control his emotions, watches daytime television, enjoys parades and interior decorating, and used to sell perfume. 
** Windsor Mann, {{citation
 | date = 2019-02-18
 | title = The least macho president
 | publisher = The Week
 | url = https://theweek.com/articles/816310/least-macho-president
}}

* He set us back like 10 years.  We have worked so hard to promote our values, values that made him president when he hawked them, and now he does this, leaving everything in shambles? Nah, destroy him. Let it be a lesson to every other 'populist'.
** Frances Martel, international news editor at Breitbart News, as quoted by {{citation
 | author = Will Sommer
 | date = 2021-01-15
 | title = ‘Destroy Trump’: Breitbart Staffers Seethe After Capitol Riot
 | publisher = Daily Beast
 | url = https://www.thedailybeast.com/breitbart-staffers-clashed-over-blaming-trump-for-capitol-riot-leaked-chats-show?ref=home?ref=home
}}

* I think even during the campaign I said that Trump reminded me most of [[w:Joffrey Baratheon|Joffrey]]. They have the same level of emotional maturity. And Joffrey likes to remind everyone that he's king. And he thinks that gives him the ability to do anything. And we're not an [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchy]], like [[w:Westeros|Westeros]] is. We're a constitutional republic. And yet, Trump doesn't seem to know what that means. He thinks the presidency gives him the power to do anything. And so, yeah, Joffrey is Trump.
** [[George R. R. Martin]], interviewed by Jamie Sims in the ''T: The New York Times Style Magazine'', [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/16/t-magazine/george-rr-martin-qanda-game-of-thrones.html &quot;George R. R. Martin Answers Times Staffers’ Burning Questions,&quot;] October 16, 2018.

* Today's violent assault on our Capitol, an effort to subjugate American democracy by mob rule, was fomented by Mr. Trump. His use of the Presidency to destroy trust in our election and to poison our respect for fellow citizens has been enabled by pseudo political leaders whose names will live in infamy as profiles in cowardice.  Our Constitution and our Republic will overcome this stain and We the People will come together again in our never-ending effort to form a more perfect Union, while Mr. Trump will deservedly be left a man without a country.  
** [[Jim Mattis|James Mattis]]  {{citation
 | date = 2020-01-07
 | title = Former Defense Secretary Mattis says Trump 'fomented' the security breach at the US Capitol
 | publisher = abc NEWS
 | url = https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/defense-secretary-mattis-trump-fomented-security-breach-us/story?id=75100611
}}

* Trump is a potential disaster as commander-in-chief—uninformed, volatile, poor judgment. Hard to believe this is the candidate of a major political party.
** [[Barry McCaffrey]], retired four-star U.S. Army general, as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/does-military-think-donald-trump-204408128.html &quot;What Does the Military Think of Donald Trump?&quot;] (15 June 2016), ''Time''

* In recent days, Donald Trump disparaged a fallen soldier's parents. He has suggested that the likes of their son should not be allowed in the United States — to say nothing of entering its service. I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* I claim no moral superiority over Donald Trump. I have a long and well-known public and private record for which I will have to answer at the Final Judgment, and I repose my hope in the promise of mercy and the moderation of age. I challenge the nominee to set the example for what our country can and should represent.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* [[Arizona]] is watching. It is time for Donald Trump to set the example for our country and the future of the Republican Party. While our Party has bestowed upon him the nomination, it is not accompanied by unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us.
** [[John McCain]], statement regarding Donald Trump's comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}}) (August 1, 2016)

* [[2018 Russia–United States summit|Today's press conference in Helsinki]] was one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory. The damage inflicted by [[President Trump]]'s [[naiveté]], [[egotism]], [[false]] [[equivalence]], and [[sympathy]] for [[autocrats]] is difficult to calculate. … President Trump proved not only unable, but unwilling to stand up to [[Putin]]. He and Putin seemed to be speaking from the same script as the president made a conscious [[choice]] to defend a [[tyrant]] against the fair questions of a [[free press]], and to grant Putin an uncontested platform to spew [[propaganda]] and [[lies]] to the [[world]]. … No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant. Not only did President Trump fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad. American presidents must be the champions of that cause if it is to [[succeed]]. Americans are [[waiting]] and hoping for President Trump to embrace that [[sacred]] [[responsibility]]. One can only [[hope]] they are not waiting totally in vain.
** [[John McCain]], official statement: [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?p=press-releases&amp;id=A99FDA26-673D-4560-B4EA-5AEDF0685EC5 &quot;SASC Chairman John Mccain on Trump-Putin Meeting&quot; (16 July 2018)]

*The presidency's most crucial duty is the protection of American national security. Yet, interviewed by Hugh Hewitt months into his campaign, Donald Trump did not know the key leaders of the global jihad. The man who would be commander-in-chief was unfamiliar with [[Hassan Nasrallah]], the [[Hezbollah]] leader who has been murdering Americans for over 30 years; Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's longtime deputy who has quite notoriously commanded al-Qaeda since the network's leader was killed by U.S. forces in 2011; and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, self-proclaimed caliph of the Islamic State (ISIS) and a jihadist so globally notorious that many teenagers are aware of him. Of course a man who wants to be president should make it his business to know such things.
**Andrew C. McCarthy, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

&lt;i&gt; About the [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|attack on US Capitol]]: &lt;/i&gt; 
* The mob was fed lies. They were provoked by the President and other powerful people.
** Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, Republican, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-19 
 | author = Alex Rogers, Clare Foran
 | title = Mitch McConnell: Capitol Hill mob was 'provoked' by Trump
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/19/politics/mitch-mcconnell-rioters-provoked/index.html
}}
&lt;i&gt; About the attack on US Capitol: &lt;/i&gt; 
* Former President Trump's actions that preceded the riot were a disgraceful, disgraceful dereliction of duty.  Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day.
* Impeachment was never meant to be the final forum for American justice
* We have a criminal justice system in this country. We have civil litigation. And former Presidents are not immune from being held accountable by either one.
* He did not do his job.  He didn't take steps so federal law could be faithfully executed and order restored. No. Instead, according to public reports, he watched television happily -- happily -- as the chaos unfolded.
** Mitch McConnell, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-02-13
 | author = Alex Rogers and Manu Raju
 | title = McConnell blames Trump but voted not guilty anyway
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/02/13/politics/mitch-mcconnell-acquit-trump/index.html
}}

*When you think of how far we have come, and at what cost, and with what faith, to just turn it all over to this monstrous clown with a monstrous ego, with no experience, never served his country in any way — it's just crazy. We can't stand by and let it happen. The Republican Party shouldn't stand by and let it happen.
** {{w|David McCullough}}, quoted by Jim Dwyer in ''{{w|The New York Times}}'', [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/13/nyregion/donald-trump-david-mccullough-ken-burns.html &quot;Scholars Steeped in Dead Politicians Take On a Live One: Donald Trump,&quot;] July 12 2016.

*Trump had been calling for better relations with [[Russia]] during his presidential campaign... Stooping to a new low, Friday's (New York) Times headline screamed: &quot;F.B.I. Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Was Secretly Working on Behalf of Russia.&quot;  For those interested in evidence — or the lack of it— regarding collusion between Russia and the presidential campaign of Donald Trump, we can thank the usual Russia-gate promoters at [[Mainstream media|The New York Times and CNN]] for inadvertently filling in some gaps in recent days... NYT readers had to get down to paragraph 9 to read: &quot;No evidence has emerged...&quot;
**[[Ray McGovern]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/01/15/russia-gate-evidence-please/ ''Ray McGovern: Russia-gate Evidence, Please,''] (15 January 2019) 

* Donald Trump is no conservative. He's a populist whose theme is: Our government is broken, and I'll fix it. He's right on point one: Both parties have failed to lead. Obama and congressional Democrats manipulate the levers of power to push America farther toward European socialism; Republicans promise free-market alternatives but end up caving in to pressure or carrying water for the GOP's own big-government special interests. The American people have signaled in recent elections that they've had enough of business as usual, and now they want to clean house. Yet Trump is no better than what we already have. He'll say anything to get a vote but give us more of the same if he gets into office. Trump beguiles us, defies the politically correct media, and bullies anyone who points out that the emperor has no clothes. None of that makes him a conservative who cherishes liberty... For decades, Trump has argued for big government.
** David McIntosh, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump himself thought it was a good idea in the recent past to support Hillary Clinton, including to be President.
** Dan McLaughlin, [http://www.redstate.com/dan_mclaughlin/2016/05/17/never-trump-movement-neither-anti-american-hypocritical/ &quot;The Never Trump Movement Is Neither Anti-American Nor Hypocritical&quot;] (17 May 2016), ''Red State''

* Trump is unexpectedly increasing my enthusiasm for [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]]. What he is saying is not based on facts: it's based on immaturity, bad judgment and ignorance, and I think it's going to be hard for people in uniform who are thoughtful about this, to vote for him.
** [[Merrill McPeak]], retired U.S. Air Force chief of staff, as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/does-military-think-donald-trump-204408128.html &quot;What Does the Military Think of Donald Trump?&quot;] (15 June 2016), ''Time''

* Donald Trump is an original
** [[John McWhorter]] '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phsU1vVHOQI Language Expert: Donald Trump's Way Of Speaking Is 'Oddly Adolescent' | The 11th Hour | MSNBC]''' (September 15, 2017)

* Trump's brawling, blustery, mean-spirited public persona serves to associate conservatives with all the negative stereotypes that liberals have for decades attached to their opponents on the right. According to conventional caricature, conservatives are selfish, greedy, materialistic, bullying, misogynistic, angry, and intolerant. They are, we're told, privileged and pampered elitists who revel in the advantages of inherited wealth while displaying only cruel contempt for the less fortunate and the less powerful. The Left tried to smear Ronald Reagan in such terms but failed miserably because he displayed none of the stereotypical traits... Trump is the living, breathing, bellowing personification of all the nasty characteristics Democrats routinely ascribe to Republicans.
** {{w|Michael Medved}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* There are two tactical approaches for candidates seeking their party's nomination in election campaigns. One is to strongly debate the issues and firmly advocate your positions, but to avoid personal attacks on your opponents or needless divisiveness. The other is to vigorously attack your fellow candidates, disparaging them personally and seeking to raise yourself up by dragging them down. Ronald Reagan was famous for epitomizing the former path. Donald Trump, unfortunately, has chosen to follow the latter course... At a time when the nation is suffering under one of the most divisive and incompetent presidents in history, our people need positive, unifying leadership, not negative, destructive political rhetoric.
** [[Edwin Meese]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump owes less to [[Wendell Willkie|Willkie]]'s tradition than to [[Benito Mussolini]]'s, and not only because of the superficial: Trump's chin-out toughness, sweeping right-hand gestures and talk of his &quot;huge&quot; successes and his &quot;stupid&quot; opponents all evoke the Italian dictator's style. Monday's breathtaking announcement that he would block all Muslims from entering the United States has many pointing out the obvious fascist overtones... Trump uses many of the fascist's tools: a contempt for facts, spreading a pervasive sense of fear and overwhelming crisis, portraying his backers as victims, assigning blame to foreign or alien actors and suggesting only his powerful personality can transcend the crisis. He endorsed the violence done to a dissenter at one of his rallies, and he now floats the idea of making entry to the United States contingent on religion.
** [[Dana Milbank]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-isnt-todays-wendell-willkie-hes-todays-benito-mussolini/2015/12/08/77c81b0c-9ddc-11e5-a3c5-c77f2cc5a43c_story.html &quot;Donald Trump, America's modern Mussolini&quot;] (8 December 2015), ''The Washington Post''.

* For all the promises Trump is breaking, there is one he has kept without wavering: his vow to be unpredictable. ... Some suggest that there is a method to Trump's [[madness]], that he is trying to make would-be adversaries think he is [[irrational]] and capricious, thereby making [[foes]] and [[rivals]] wary of pushing him too far. ... But in Trump's application of the {{w|Madman Theory}} there seems to be less [[theory]] than madman. There may be advantages to keeping foes and opponents off guard, but Trump is baffling [[friends]] and [[allies]], too. In [[foreign affairs]], unpredictability spooks allies and spreads instability. And unpredictable [[policy]] at home has long been seen as toxic for business. ... The widespread [[chaos]] suggests Trump isn't signaling new policies as much as he's winging it. His unpredictability is not a theory. It's the absence of one.
** [[Dana Milbank]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/trumps-one-consistent-policy-chaos/2016/12/06/f1a5a5ae-bbf7-11e6-91ee-1adddfe36cbe_story.html?utm_term=.f664c9ebc888 Trump's one consistent policy: Chaos]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 6, 2016)

* You never know where the president's trigger point is
** Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Mark Milley according to  &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcGUVBJgZnE Milley took top-secret action to limit Trump's ability to order military strike, book says]&quot; (January8, 2021)

*He needs no introduction. His name is familiar to every person on the planet Earth. His name comes up in almost every conversation in the world on global politics. His every word is followed by tens of millions. He has left a deep and lasting impact everywhere.
**[[Narendra Modi]], speaking at the &quot;Howdy Modi&quot; rally at NRG Stadium in Houston, United States, ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhFC-Un3J9Q ETV Andhra Pradesh]'' (22 September 2019)

[[File:Moon Jae-in 2017.jpg|thumb|President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize. ~ [[Moon Jae-in]]]]
* '''President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize.'''
** [[Moon Jae-in]], as quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-northkorea-southkorea-trump/trump-should-win-the-nobel-peace-prize-says-south-koreas-moon-idUSKBN1I10OD &quot;South Korea president says Trump deserves Nobel Peace Prize&quot;] by Hyonhee Shin, ''Reuters'' (30 April 2018)

* The three primary goals of religious conservatives: to protect all human life, including that of the unborn; to reinforce the sanctity of marriage and the family; and to conserve the religious freedom of all persons. All three goals would be in jeopardy under a Trump presidency. Yes, Trump says that he is pro-life now, despite having supported partial-birth abortion in the past. The problem is not whether he can check a box. Pro-life voters expect leaders to have a coherent vision of human dignity and to be able to defend against assaults on human life in the future—some of which may be unimaginable today and will present themselves only as new technologies develop.
** Russell Moore, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* Trump's proposal would assure the enmity of all Muslims, including those whose support we need if we are to prevail. Even assuming an infallible way to identify who is Muslim, the proposal is both under- and over-inclusive. It is under-inclusive because it does not address potential terrorists who have U.S. passports or residence permits, or are already here, or may threaten us abroad; it is over-inclusive because it bars the huge majority of Muslims who are not potential terrorists. Trump says he would order the military to kill the families of terrorists. That would be a direct violation of the most basic laws of armed conflict, which require that deadly force be used only when required by military necessity, under circumstances that allow distinction between military and civilian targets, and when incidental damage to non-military targets is proportional to the military advantage gained. A military that adhered to the laws of armed conflict would necessarily disobey such an order; if it followed the order, both the person who gave it and those who followed it would be subject to prosecution for war crimes. 
** Michael B. Mukasey, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

*What a fucking idiot.
**[[Rupert Murdoch]], as quoted in [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2018/01/michael-wolff-fire-and-fury-book-donald-trump.html &quot;Donald Trump Didn't Want to Be President&quot;] (January 2017), by Michael Wolff, ''NY Mag''

* I want him out. He has caused enough damage.
** Lisa Murkovski, Republican senator, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-10 
 | author = Kate Sullivan, Nicky Robertson
 | title = Republican Sen. Pat Toomey says he thinks Trump 'committed impeachable offenses'
 | publisher = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/09/politics/pat-toomey-trump-impeachable-offenses/index.html
}}

*Trump has gotten six or seven stories in his [[President of the United States|presidency]] so far, that if they happened in 1981, there would have been serious talk about the president needing to resign. And that's gone now, that ray gun of, ''&quot;We don't do this. You can't get away with that&quot;'' is pretty much gone... Everything is a [[Bigotry|racial stereotype]] with him half the time. We've got to admit that about [[Trump]].
**[[Mike Murphy]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/mike-murphy/ interview with Bill Kristol] (20 June 2017)

*A Moscow loving grifter is on the loose in the White House. Shame on the Vichy Republicans who constantly enable him.
**[[Mike Murphy (political consultant)|Mike Murphy]], [https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/04/playbook-birthday-mike-murphy-620654 interview with Daniel Lippman] (2018)

* Yes, I’m supporting [[Donald Trump]]; I’m doing so as enthusiastically as I can do. In fact, I think he’s a terrible [[human]] being.
** [[Mick Mulvaney]] according to [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/15/mick-mulvaney-donald-trump-video-terrible-human Debate between Mulvaney and the Democrat Fran Person in York, South Carolina] (15 Dec 2018)

* I don't hate the man, but it's time for Trump to hang up his hat &amp; sail into the sunset.
* Do we really want a bull in a china shop situation every single day!? Also, I think the legal maximum age for start of Presidential term should be 69.
** Elon Musk, quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/other/3554566-elon-musk-time-for-trump-to-hang-up-his-hat-sail-into-the-sunset/ &quot;Elon Musk: Time for Trump to ‘hang up his hat &amp; sail into the sunset’&quot;], 7 July 2022

* What kind of son have I created?
** [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|Mary Trump]] (Trump's mother), [https://archive.vanityfair.com/article/share/e515a2cd-a51b-4f83-8d61-6ebb9a104e0a is said] to have asked [[Ivana Trump]]

=== N ===
* When Trump came for the Mexicans, I did not speak out — as I was not a Mexican. When he came for the Muslims I did not speak out — as I was not a Muslim. Then he came for me.
** [[New York Daily News|The Daily News]], variant of ''{{w|First they came ...}}'' by [[Martin Niemöller]], as quoted in ''[https://www.businessinsider.com/daily-news-donald-trump-muslim-cover-2015-12 Daily News cover shows Donald Trump cutting off the Statue of Liberty's head]'' (December 09, 2015) by Colin Campbell, ''{{w|Business Insider}}''

* I love Donald, and he would make a great [[President of the United States|president]]. Number one, he tells the truth. Number two, he's been where most of these guys want to be, in terms of riding on his own plane. He doesn't have to worry about what hotels he stays in, he doesn't have to worry about how his family gets to Hawaii, so on and so forth. I could give you so many reasons. But most of all, most important I think for Mr. Trump, is he tells it like it is. Look, we can talk about these radicals all we want, but it's my opinion, and I heard [Trump] say this too: They're only going to be as radical as we let them be.
** [[w:Wayne Newton|Wayne Newton]] on {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-06
 | title = [[w:Fox &amp; Friends|Fox &amp; Friends]]
 | medium = TV
}} — as quoted in [http://thehill.com/video/in-the-news/256070-wayne-newton-all-in-on-trump &quot;Wayne Newton all in on Trump&quot;] by Judy Kurtz, ''The Hill'' (6 October 2015)

* Mr President... STOP THE INSANITY You lost the election - here's how to save your legacy
** New York Post, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/28/media/new-york-post-donald-trump-editorial/index.html &quot;New York Post to Donald Trump: Stop the insanity&quot;], David Goldman, ''CNN'' (29 December 2020)

* Trump has chosen to identify himself as a Republican as a matter of egotistical convenience.
** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [http://thefederalist.com/2016/02/24/ill-take-hillary-clinton-over-donald-trump/ &quot;I'll Take Hillary Clinton Over Donald Trump&quot;] (24 February 2016), ''The Federalist''

* Donald Trump is the most willfully ignorant man ever to hold the presidency. He does not understand even basic concepts of … well, almost anything. (Yesterday, he explained to a woman in Michigan that he would lower food prices by limiting food imports—in other words, by ''reducing the supply of food.'' Trump went to the Wharton School, where I assume “supply and demand” was part of the first-year curriculum.) He is insensate to anything that conflicts with his needs or beliefs, and briefing him on any topic is virtually impossible.
** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2024/09/scientific-american-harris-endorsement-science-covid/679931/ ''Scientific American'' Didn’t Need to Endorse Anybody] (18 September 2024)

* '''As you can imagine, [Pat] is an expert on politics and she predicts whenever you decide to run for office you will be a winner!'''
** [[Richard Nixon]], crediting his wife [[w:Pat Nixon|Pat Nixon]] in a letter to Trump in 1987, [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/nixon-predicted-trump-success/ FACT CHECK: Did Richard Nixon Write a Letter Predicting Donald Trump’s Success in Politics?], ''[[w:Snopes|Snopes]]'', (May 18, 2017)

*Have you ever argued with a toddler? Because if you have, you probably lost that argument, or you killed the toddler. Either way, you didn't win the argument, because you can't win an argument against a toddler. Toddlers will say the most outlandish shit. [...] Over the course of this election season, we've come to realize that president-elect Donald Trump might have the mind of a toddler. And if you think about it, it makes sense. He loves the same things that toddlers do. They like building things. They love attention, always grabbing things they're not supposed to. [...] You don't argue with a child if you want to win. Don't amplify the toddler's voice, because you'll just get trapped in the toddler's world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate. Because logic is the downfall of every toddler. The point is to gently demoralize the toddler and smother his tantrums. And, as a bonus, stop him from delegitimizing the press.
**[[Trevor Noah]], ''[[The Daily Show]]'', November 30, 2016. Quoted in ''[https://www.businessinsider.com/trevor-noah-trump-toddler-2016-11 Trevor Noah: How journalists really need to deal with Trump]'' (November 30, 2016) by Paul Schrodt, ''{{w|Business Insider}}''

* Donald Trump should be given the [[w:Presidential Medal of Freedom|Medal of Freedom]] for speaking his mind in such a bold, honest and straight-forward manner.
** [[Ted Nugent]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20150710040259/http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/give-trump-the-medal-of-freedom/ Give Trump the Medal of Freedom]'', ''{{w|WorldNetDaily}}''  (August 7, 2015). Quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2018/09/shaq-didnt-call-trump-the-best-president/ Shaq Didn’t Call Trump the 'Best President']'' (September 17, 2018) by Catherine Monk, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''

* Donald Trump comes closer than anyone else to being the archetype of the species; crossing genres, he exemplifies all the ways an asshole can capture our attention.
** {{citation
 | author = Geoffrey Nunberg
 | date = 2012-08-14
 | title = [[w:Ascent of the A-Word|Ascent of the A-Word: Assholism, the First Sixty Years]]
 | location = New York
 | publisher = PublicAffairs
 | isbn = 978-1610391757
 | pages = 164-165
}}

*I'd like to take Donald Trump to Palestine,/set him free in the streets of Ramallah or Nablus/amidst all the winners who never gave up in sixty-/nine years./They'd like to make their country great again too,/if only their hands weren't tied by the weapons/our country donates. 
**[[Naomi Shihab Nye]] ''Voices in the Air'' (2018)

=== O ===
* [Americans have] a continuing normative commitment to the ideals of individual freedom and mobility, values that extend far beyond the issue of race in the American mind. The depth of this commitment may be summarily dismissed as the unfounded optimism of the average American—I may not be Donald Trump now, but just you wait; if I don't make it, my children will.
** [[Barack Obama]], in a 1991 law school paper called &quot;Race and Rights Rhetoric&quot;, as quoted in ''Rising Star: The Making of Barack Obama'' (2017) by David Garrow, and reported in [https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/young-obama-said-the-american-dream-is-to-be-donald-trump &quot;Young Obama Said the American Dream Is to Be Donald Trump&quot;, ''Vice'' (12 May 2017)]

*We've got a debate inside the other party that is fantasy and schoolyard taunts and selling stuff like it's the Home Shopping Network. And then you've got the Republican establishment -- they're very exercised: We're shocked that somebody would be saying these things. We're shocked that somebody is fanning anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-Muslim sentiment. '''We're shocked! We're shocked that somebody could be loose with the facts. Or distort someone's record -- shocked... This is the guy, remember, who was sure that I was born in Kenya. Who just wouldn't let it go. And all this same Republican establishment, they weren't saying nothing. As long as it was directed at me, they were fine with it. They thought it was a hoot. Wanted to get his endorsement... What is happening in this primary is just a distillation of what's been happening inside their party for more than a decade.''' I mean, the reason that many of their voters are responding is because this is what's been fed through the messages they've been sending for a long time -- that you just make flat assertions that don't comport with the facts. That you just deny the evidence of science. That compromise is a betrayal. That the other side isn't simply wrong, or we just disagree, we want to take a different approach, but the other side is destroying the country, or treasonous. I mean, that's - look it up. That's what they've been saying. So they can't be surprised when somebody suddenly looks and says, you know what, I can do that even better. I can make stuff up better than that. I can be more outrageous than that. I can insult people even better than that. I can be even more uncivil.
**Barack Obama on Trump, [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/14/remarks-president-dnc-reception-austin-tx March 2016]

* I did hope, for the sake of our country, that Donald Trump might show some interest in taking the job seriously … But he never did. For close to four years now, he’s shown no interest in putting in the work; no interest in finding common ground; no interest in using the awesome power of his office to help anyone but himself and his friends; no interest in treating the presidency as anything but one more reality show that he can use to get the attention he craves. … Trump hasn’t grown into the job because he can’t.
**Barack Obama on Trump, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/08/democratic-national-convention-kamala-harris-barack-obama 20 August 2020]

* I like Donald Trump because he speaks from the heart. Make America Great Again is a great slogan. I would like to meet him.
** [[w:Family of Barack Obama#Malik_Obama|Malik Obama]], President Obama's half-brother, as quoted in [http://nypost.com/2016/07/24/why-obamas-half-brother-says-hell-be-voting-for-donald-trump/ &quot;Why Obama's half-brother says he'll be voting for Donald Trump&quot;] by Isabel Vincent, ''New York Post'' (24 July 2016)

*Let's take a page from Donald Trump's book and ignore [[political correctness]] for a moment. If you support Trump, you support his sexist, bigoted and racist views. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it, and this is especially true for GOP party leaders, elected officials and even community leaders. Some have said things such as, 'I don't like Trump's history of demeaning women, but I think he will be good for the economy'. Sorry, you don't get a pass because you like one of his policy proposals. It's akin to saying, 'I supported Hitler for his tax plan'. And no, I'm absolutely not comparing Trump to Hitler. But Anne Frank's 86-year-old stepsister, Eva Schloss, who survived [[Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]], did just that a few weeks ago, telling ''Newsweek'' that Trump 'is acting like another Hitler by inciting racism'.
**Dean Obeidallah, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/02/24/opinions/support-trump-support-bigotry-obeidallah/index.html &quot;A Vote For Trump Is A Vote&quot;] (24 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*He’s not all that. And much less impressive in person than on [[television]], as well.
**[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/2/10/democracy_now_the_squad_sotu Interview] with Democracy Now (2020)

*He said to me, &quot;if you're ever caught cheating, you deny, deny, deny, and wear them out, and they will believe you eventually because you've denied so long.&quot;
**Jack O'Donnell, former president of the Trump Plaza casino in Atlantic City, [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/26/us/politics/stephen-moore-donald-trump-sexual-misconduct.html Believing Him: For Trump, Sticking With Men Like Stephen Moore Is Nothing New] (26 April 2019), ''New York Times''

* &lt;p&gt;This young girl, {{w|Tara Conner}}, how old is she? 20? 21. She went out and she was partying. She's from Kentucky. She went to New York and she was hanging out at all the parties, and doing what [[Paris Hilton|Paris]] and [[Lindsay Lohan|Lindsay]] do — you know, dancing, whatever. And so he held a press conference to announce whether or not she was going to ''retain'' her ''crown''. And then she started to cry, going, &quot;I just want to thank Donald for giving me a second chance.&quot; And there he is, hair looping, going ''[flipping hair over top of her head, imitating Trump]'' &quot;Everyone deserves a second chance. I'm going to give her a second chance.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;He annoys me on a multitude of levels. ''He's'' the moral authority? Left the first wife, had an affair. Left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but ''he's'' the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend! I don't enjoy him. No. No, no, no.&lt;/p&gt;
* He inherited a lot of money — wait a minute — and he's been bankrupt so many times where he didn't have to pay. But the people beneath him who he owed money to got shorted out of the money, but he got to again, try again and again. And you know what saved him the second time? After his father died, with ''that'' money, he paid off all his bankruptcy. This is not a self-made man.
* I just think that this man is sort of like one of those, you know, snake oil salesmen in ''Little House on the Prairie''.
** Rosie O'Donnell, ''The View'' (2006), quoted in &quot;[http://www.people.com/article/rosie-odonnell-addresses-donald-trump-attack-presidential-debate Rosie O'Donnell Hits Back at Donald Trump After Debate Bashing - and Calls Him an 'Orange Anus']&quot;, ''People'' ({{#formatdate:2016-09-27}})
** Referring to Trump's announcement that he would give Miss USA 2006 a &quot;second chance&quot; after her substance abuse scandal.

*This man just can't be [[w:President of the United States|president]]. They've got this button — this briefcase. He's going to find it.
**[[P. J. O'Rourke]], alluding to the nuclear codes the commander-in-chief takes control of upon assuming office, [http://www.npr.org/2016/05/09/477339063/conservative-author-pj-orourke-reluctantly-backs-clinton May 7, 2016] on [[w:NPR|NPR]]

* The [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]] created a system of {{w|checks and balances}} to limit the power of the President, but it only works if someone fucking checks or balances. And if you don't, it's no longer on Trump, it's on you. Because when you've got the presidential equivalent of a five-year-old shitting on the salad bar of a {{w|Ruby Tuesdays}}, at some point you stop blaming the five-year-old, and you start blaming the people who are not stopping him. Stop that boy, that's what I am saying. Stop that boy, now.
** [[John Oliver]] during a piece on the aftermath of Trump's firing of FBI Director [[James Comey]] on his [[w:Last Week Tonight with John Oliver|Last Week Tonight]] show (14 May 2017)

*in 2019, President Trump repeated the baseless conspiracy theory that I had committed immigration fraud, nearly three years after I thought I had answered it once and for all.
**[[Ilhan Omar]] ''This is What America Looks Like'' (2021)

* Now that he’s president-elect, you just hope that he can make the world a better place. He won fair and square. We have to give him a chance. There’s no need talking about recounts and this and that.
** [[Shaquille O'Neal]], as quoted in ''[https://www.factcheck.org/2018/09/shaq-didnt-call-trump-the-best-president/ Shaq Didn’t Call Trump the 'Best President']'' (September 17, 2018) by Catherine Monk, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}''

*to me, Trump is more like [former Italian prime minister [Silvio] Berlusconi than like Hitler. Trump is many things. He is pampered, he is an immature man, he is a teenager craving unconditional, endless love from everybody. I don’t think he is fanatic. I’m not sure I would say about his vice president that he is not a fanatic, he probably is, but I don’t think Donald Trump strikes me as a fanatic.
**[[Amos Oz]] [https://forward.com/culture/416752/amos-oz-in-final-q-a-israel-is-a-dream-come-true-and-as-a-dream-come-true/ interview with ''Forward''] (2018)

=== P ===

*I'm happy with what Trump has done, because he's totally blown up the media! All of a sudden, ‘BOOM!' That lack of caution and shooting from the hip. He's not a president, of course. He's not remotely a president. He has no political skills of any kind. He's simply an American citizen who is creating his own bully pulpit.
** [[Camille Paglia]], as quoted by Luke Morgan Britan, &quot;[http://www.nme.com/blogs/nme-blogs/before-calling-taylor-swift-a-nazi-barbie-camille-paglia-laid-into-plenty-of-other-celebrities-765347#SFT3Db4CgkKHb7QH.99 Before Calling Taylor Swift A ‘Nazi Barbie', Camille Paglia Laid Into Plenty Of Other Celebrities]&quot;, NME.com, Dec 11, 2015; retrieved 15 September 2017

*Had Hillary won, everyone would have expected disappointed Trump voters to show a modicum of respect for the electoral results as well as for the historic ceremony of the inauguration, during which former combatants momentarily unite to pay homage to the peaceful transition of power in our democracy. But that was not the reaction of a vast cadre of Democrats shocked by Trump's win. In an abject failure of leadership that may be one of the most disgraceful episodes in the history of the modern Democratic party, [[Chuck Schumer]], who had risen to become the Senate Democratic leader after the retirement of [[Harry Reid]], asserted absolutely no moral authority as the party spun out of control in a nationwide orgy of rage and spite. Nor were there statesmanlike words of caution and restraint from two seasoned politicians whom I have admired for decades and believe should have run for president long ago—Senator [[Dianne Feinstein]] and Congresswoman [[Nancy Pelosi]]. How do Democrats imagine they can ever expand their electoral support if they go on and on in this self-destructive way, impugning half the nation as vile racists and homophobes?&lt;br/&gt;All of which brings us to the issue of Trump's performance to date. The initial conundrum was: could he shift from being the slashing, caustic ex-reality show star of the campaign to a more measured, presidential persona? Perhaps to the dismay of his diehard critics, Trump did indeed make that transition at the Capitol on inauguration morning, when he appeared grave and focused, palpably conveying a sense of the awesome burdens of the highest office. As for his particular actions as president, I am no fan of executive orders, which usurp congressional prerogatives and which I was already denouncing when Obama was constantly signing them (with very little protest, one might add, from the mainstream media).
** [[Camille Paglia]], as quoted by Johnathan V. Last, &quot;[http://www.weeklystandard.com/camille-paglia-on-trump-democrats-transgenderism-and-islamist-terror/article/2008464 Camille Paglia: On Trump, Democrats, Transgenderism, and Islamist Terror]&quot;, The Weekly Standard, June 15, 2017

* Only one candidate's record of success proves he is the master of [[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|the art of the deal]]... I'm here to support the next president of the United States, Donald Trump.
** [[Sarah Palin]], [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/sarah-palins-speech-endorsing-donald-trump-in-full-a6822771.html &quot;Sarah Palin's speech endorsing Donald Trump in full&quot;], ''Independent'' (20 January 2016)

*With Donald Trump as the presumptive presidential nominee, we are witnessing a populist hijacking of one of the United States' great [[political parties]]... [R]ooted in [[ignorance]], [[prejudice]], fear and isolationism... This troubles me deeply as a Republican, but it troubles me even more as an American... Enough is enough... It's time to put country before party and say it together: Never Trump.
** [[Henry Paulson]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/when-it-comes-to-trump-a-republican-treasury-secretary-says-choose-country-over-party/2016/06/24/c7bdba34-3942-11e6-8f7c-d4c723a2becb_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory &quot;Choose country over party&quot;] (24 June 2016), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C., as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-henry-paulson-op-ed-hillary-clinton-election-2016/ ''CBS News''] (June 2016)

*Trump has made a living out of preying on and bullying society's most vulnerable, with the help of government. He isn't an outsider, but rather an unelected politician of the worst kind. He admits that he's bought off elected officials in order get his way and to openly abuse the system. The rabid defense he gets from some quarters is astonishing. Trump's liberal positions aren't in the distant past—he has openly promoted them on the campaign trail. Trump isn't fighting for anyone but himself, which has been his pattern for decades. Conservatives have a serious decision. Do we truly believe in our long-held principles and insist that politicians have records demonstrating fealty to them? Or are we willing to throw these principles away because an entertainer who has been a liberal Democrat for decades simply says some of the right things?
** {{w|Katie Pavlich}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''

* Observing his behavior, I have concluded that he is like the man who refuses to ask for directions.
* All of the answers are there.  And yet the president continues to go down the wrong path and refuses to ask for directions from scientists who know better than any of us.
** [[Nancy Pelosi]], talking about the need for testing, contact tracing, treatment, social distancing, masking and equipment for handling the Coronavirus pandemic, as quoted by Marisa Schultz, [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pelosi-compares-trump-to-the-man-who-refuses-to-ask-for-directions &quot;Pelosi compares Trump to 'the man who refuses to ask for directions'&quot;], July 17 2020, &lt;i&gt;CNN&lt;/i&gt;

* We might get somebody of his ilk who's sane, and that would really be dangerous, because it could be who's smart, who's strategic, and the rest. This is a slob. He doesn't believe in science. He's a snake-oil salesman. And he's shrewd. Give him credit for his shrewdness.
** [[Nancy Pelosi]], as quoted by Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, ''I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year'' (2021), p. 6

* Donald Trump and I believe that Captain [[w:Humayun S. M. Khan|Humayun Khan]] is an American hero and his family, like all Gold Star families, should be cherished by every American. Captain Khan gave his life to defend our country in the global war on terror. Due to the disastrous decisions of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, a once stable Middle East has now been overrun by ISIS. This must not stand. By suspending immigration from countries that have been compromised by terrorism, rebuilding our military, defeating ISIS at its source and projecting strength on the global stage, we will reduce the likelihood that other American families will face the enduring heartbreak of the Khan family.
** [[Mike Pence]], about the statements of Donald Trump on the fallen Captain {{w|Humayun S. M. Khan}}'s family — [https://www.facebook.com/mikepence/posts/10153921668637862 Facebook, July 31, 2016]

* It really is remarkable to think about the progress the American people have made over the last several months. When the president tapped me to lead the [[White House Coronavirus Task Force]], he gave us the first objective is to save lives. And to focus on slowing the spread, [[w:Flattening the curve|bending the curve]]. [...] Secondly, the president made it clear to us that we were to make sure the [[w:Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on hospitals|hospitals]] in impacted areas had the resources and the [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United States#Medical supplies|equipment]] that they needed to be able to save as many lives as possible.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* The president has made it clear that we want the governors to implement testing and deploy testing where they deem it's most appropriate in their state, we're going to continue to fully partner with states around the country to increase the supply, to make sure that they have the reagents and the test kits necessary to perform those tests. But I want to say again, it is truly -- it's a tribute to the president's leadership that early on in this process he brought in the top commercial labs in the country. They formed an alliance. And we went from one month ago to 80,000 tests being done to four million tests being completed as of yesterday. We'll continue to increase that. We'll continue to make governors aware of that.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* I've seen that report in the papers this morning. And I know that [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|HHS]] is making inquiries. But we believe those issues were resolved on that particular test by early February. But it's important for your viewers to know that that test, the slow lab-based test that is typical for [[CDC]] and {{w|public health}} labs would never have been able to meet the needs of testing in this coronavirus epidemic. That's why President Trump was so right when he brought together these commercial labs and formed a consortium. And literally took us from -- at that time in February we had done some 20,000 tests total across the country. Now we've done more than four million and we believe we'll have done more than five million tests before the end of this month. None of that would have been possible without the president's leadership, without the innovation, without the incredible efforts of companies like [[w:Roche Diagnostics|Roche]] and [[w:Avid Technology|Avid Laboratories]].
** [[Mike Pence]] on a [[w:Food and Drug Administration|FDA]]'s report stating that CDC's initial test was faulty, in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* The American people can be confident that this president wants [[w:Trump administration communication during the COVID-19 pandemic#Lifting restrictions|to reopen]] the American economy as soon as we can safely and responsibly do it.
** [[Mike Pence]], in an interview with {{w|Chuck Todd}} at ''{{w|Meet the Press}}'' (April 19, 2020). [https://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-april-19-2020-n1187411 Transcript online] at ''{{w|NBCNews.com}}''

* I wrote the scripture reference, which is 2 Corinthians 3:17, which is how it's written, I'm guilty as charged. That's exactly what I did. I sent him a couple of suggestions of some things he could talk about as a connection point. &lt;br /&gt; It shows that he's not familiar with Bible, Donald Trump's a very interesting guy. There are some things about him that I find fascinating, that I like about him, as well as other evangelicals.
** [[w:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]], in an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Erin Burnett}} on ''[[w:Erin Burnett OutFront|OutFront]]'', about Trump saying &quot;two Corinthians&quot; instead of &quot;Second Corinthians&quot; during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016)

* He offers a barking carnival act that can be best described as Trumpism: a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued... Let no one be mistaken: Donald Trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded. ... Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the {{w|Know Nothing}} movement.
** [[Rick Perry]], campaign event, Willard Hotel, {{#formatdate:2015-07-22}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-22
 | title = Perry: Trump's campaign ‘a barking carnival act' and ‘a cancer on conservatism'
 | first = Jose A.
 | last = DelReal
 | newspaper = The Washington Post
 | url = http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/07/22/rick-perry-donald-trumps-campaign-a-barking-carnival-act-and-a-cancer-on-conservatism/
}}

* I don't know how far Trump will go. But in giving confidence to the American people and exposing establishment hypocrisy, he has already done a great service for our country.
** [[w:Jesse Lee Peterson|Jesse Lee Peterson]], [http://www.wnd.com/2015/09/cowards-join-forces-to-attack-the-bully/ &quot;Cowards join forces to attack the 'bully'&quot;], ''[[w:WorldNetDaily|WND]]'' (21 September 2015)

*To most of us, the American presidential campaign is a media freak show, in which Donald Trump is the arch villain. But Trump is loathed by those with power in the United States for reasons that have little to do with his obnoxious behaviour and opinions. To the invisible government in Washington, the unpredictable Trump is an obstacle to America’s design for the 21st century...To the militarists in Washington, the real problem with Trump is that, in his lucid moments, he seems not to want a war with Russia; he wants to talk with the [[President of Russia|Russian president]], not fight him; he says he wants to talk with the president of China. In the first debate with Hillary Clinton, Trump promised not to be the first to introduce nuclear weapons into a conflict. He said, “I would certainly not do first strike. Once the nuclear alternative happens, it’s over.” That was not news... what is clear is that Trump is considered a serious threat to the status quo maintained by the vast national security machine that runs the United States, regardless of who is in the White House. The CIA wants him beaten. The Pentagon wants him beaten. The media wants him beaten. Even his own party wants him beaten. He is a threat to the rulers of the world – unlike Clinton who has left no doubt she is prepared to go to war with nuclear-armed Russia and China... Without a shred of evidence, she has accused Russia of supporting Trump and hacking her emails.
**[[John Pilger]],  [http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article45752.htm Inside the Invisible Government: War, Propaganda, Clinton &amp; Trump], ''Information Clearing House'', October 28, 2016

*The coming war on [[China]] is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril.
**[[John Pilger]],  [https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter]  (17 June 2020)

*Trump is an unbalanced force. He is the politicized American id. Should his election results match his polls, he would be, unquestionably, the worst thing to happen to the American common culture in my lifetime.
** {{w|John Podhoretz}}, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''{{w|National Review}}''.

*Donald Trump was so awful, so horrible, so disgusting... His lies, his distortions, his deceits, and his libels thicker and fouler than they've yet been... Since he began running he has demonstrated he knows things we don't know about the emotions roiling in the American underbelly. Maybe he knows this too... He interrupts, he yells over them, he insults them, he goes over his allotted time, and the whirlwind he creates turns into a vacuum that sucks all the air out of the place and right into his attention-whore lungs. 
** {{w|John Podhoretz}}, [http://nypost.com/2016/02/13/trump-was-out-of-control-in-south-carolina-debate/ &quot;Trump was out of control in South Carolina debate&quot;] (13 February 2016), ''{{w|New York Post}}''.

* There is no comparison between the stance of Vietnam’s [[w:Nguyen Xuan Phuc|Prime Minister Nguyen Xuan Phuc]] and U.S. President [[Donald Trump]]: the former had a sober, [[science]]-based attitude, while the latter has consistently laughed off the coronavirus as a simple flu as recently as June 24.
** [[Vijay Prashad]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2020/07/16/covid-19-why-laos-vietnam-china-have-beaten-the-virus-and-india-brazil-and-the-us-have-not/ COVID-19: Why Laos, Vietnam &amp; China Have Beaten the Virus and India, Brazil and the US Have Not, ''Consortium News''] (16 July 2020)

* It’s not surprising that a criminal like Trump pardons other criminals.  But apparently to get a pardon, one has to be either a Republican, a convicted child murderer or a turkey.
** Senior US District Judge Robert Pratt of the Southern District of Iowa, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-30 |title='A criminal like Trump': Federal judge ridicules President's pardons
 | author= Ryan J. Foley | periodical=The Sydney Morning Herald | url=https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/a-criminal-like-trump-federal-judge-in-iowa-ridicules-trump-s-pardons-20201230-p56qrs.html}}

* Donald Trump and his top [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] allies in [[w:115th United States Congress|Congress]] are fighting a war, and the battle lines have begun to clarify themselves. Their war is not being waged against [[COVID-19]], the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] that has [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|killed]] tens of thousands [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|in this nation]] alone. Their war is being waged against the nation itself, and specifically against areas of the nation that are heavy on [[w:Demographics of the United States|population]] but light on Trump supporters. In other words, the big-city [[w:Red states and blue states|blue states]], whose [[w:Governor (United States)|governors]] have refused to fawn over Trump's gibberish-flecked &quot;leadership&quot; during this crisis.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump has been treating the delivery of [[w:U.S. federal government response to the COVID-19 pandemic#Speculative proposals|federal aid]] to the states like his own personal {{w|spoils system}}: rewarding loyalty, punishing critics, and demanding to be praised for doing his job whenever he actually does it, but especially when he doesn't.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* If you don’t pay your bills, your bank account stays full. It’s a trick Trump learned a long time ago.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Trump and McConnell know these states are reopening too soon, but they don’t care, because they need to make the money happy. [...] The utter cruelty of these tactics, the nihilistic self-destruction of it in the face of more than 55,000 dead and thousands more to follow, has scarce precedent in the annals of [[U.S. politics]]. Instead of helping the entire country in this time of grievous crisis, Trump and McConnell are putting their boots to the neck of every state they deem ideologically unfit. It will be a damn miracle if the nation survives this, and them.
** [[William Rivers Pitt]], ''[https://truthout.org/articles/trump-and-mcconnell-arent-waging-war-on-covid-theyre-waging-war-on-us/ Trump and McConnell Aren’t Waging War on COVID. They’re Waging War on Us.]'' (April 28, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}''

* Mr. Trump, I know you take your business seriously, and I take mine seriously. I hereby hold you in [[civil contempt]]
** Presiding judge [https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/ny-trump-organization-contempt-1.6430134 Donald Trump found in contempt of court in New York civil case] (Apr 25, 2022)

*People imnitate Autistic hand flapping when they want to imply a disabled person is stupid, annoying, or out of control. Donald Trump famously did a cruel imitation of hand flapping during his 2016 campaign, while criticizing a physically disabled reporter.
**[[Devon Price]] ''Unmasking [[Autism]]: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity'' (2022)

[[File:Vladimir Putin (2020-02-20).jpg|thumb|He's a really brilliant and talented person, without any doubt. It's not our job to judge his qualities, that's a job for American voters, but he's the absolute leader in the presidential race. ~ [[Vladimir Putin]]]]
* '''He's a really brilliant and talented person, without any doubt. It's not our job to judge his qualities, that's a job for American voters, but he's the absolute leader in the presidential race.'''
** [[Vladimir Putin]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/263555-putin-praises-trump-hes-a-really-brilliant-and-talented-person &quot;Putin praises Trump: 'He's a really brilliant and talented person'&quot;] by Neetzan Zimmerman, ''The Hill'' (17 December 2015)

=== R ===

* Donald Trump lost the election fair and square.
** [[w:Brad Raffensperger|Brad Raffensperger]], Republican and top voting official in Georgia, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/25/trump-rally-perry-georgia-republican-raffensperger-herschel-walker &quot;‘He knows he lost’: Georgia Republican braces for Trump rally in Perry&quot;], the Guardian, 25 sept 2021

* There are [[w:Hydroxychloroquine#Side effects|side effects]] to [[hydroxychloroquine]]. It causes psychiatric symptoms, cardiac problems and a host of other bad side effects. [...] There may be a role for it for some people, but to tell Americans ‘you don’t have anything to lose,’ that’s not true. People certainly have something to lose by taking it indiscriminately.
** [[Megan Ranney]], in response to Trump's statement on using the drug as treatment for [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19. Quoted in ''[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/05/us/politics/trump-hydroxychloroquine-coronavirus.html Ignoring Expert Opinion, Trump Again Promotes Use of Hydroxychloroquine]'' (April 5, 2020) by [[Michael Crowley (journalist)|Michael Crowley]], Katie Thomas and [[Maggie Haberman]], ''{{w|The New York Times}}''.

*Your reminder that America's richest 1 percent now own half the value of the U.S. stock market. The richest 10 percent own 92 percent.  So when Trump says the stock market is the economy, know who he's really talking about.
**[[Robert Reich]], [https://twitter.com/RBReich/status/1279924108411596802  Twitter,]  (5 Jul 2020)

*As the pandemic surges back, Trump and his lackeys have: 
:—Tried to dismantle the Affordable Care Act 
:—Rallied to pass a $740,000,000,000 defense spending bill 
:—Declined extending additional unemployment benefits to out-of-work Americans 
:Their priorities are crystal clear.
:*[[Robert Reich]], [https://twitter.com/RBReich/status/1279957396115390466 Twitter,]  (5 Jul 2020)

* You may not agree with his authenticity but he's authentic. People like that. He speaks his mind, which reminds me of me once in a while. I think that's something that's refreshing.
** [[Harry Reid]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/269202-reid-praises-trump-for-being-authentic &quot;Reid praises Trump for being 'authentic'&quot;] by Rebecca Savransky, ''The Hill'' (11 February 2016)

*He presents himself as a Strong Man who promises to knock heads and make things right again. In this, he has a lot more in common with South American populist demagogues than with our tradition of political leaders... The middle-class consensus in America has collapsed. This is the most important political and social earthquake since [[World War II]]. The conservative movement's leadership isn't up to the challenge, and a good number of voters are willing to gamble on Trump's bluster. Bad bet. Our nation's solidarity is being tested. It will only make things worse if we go Trumpster diving.
**R.R. Reno, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* For anyone to compare their 'sacrifice' to a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star]] family member is insulting, foolish and ignorant. Especially someone who has never served himself and has no children serving, our county has been at war for a decade and a half and the truth is most Americans have sacrificed nothing. Most of them are smart and grounded enough to admit it.
** [[w:Paul Rieckoff|Paul Rieckoff]], in response to Trump's comparison of his sacrifices with those of someone like [[Khizr M. Khan]] — ''[http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-father-fallen-soldier-ive-made-lot/story?id=41015051 Donald Trump to Father of Fallen Soldier: 'I've Made a Lot of Sacrifices']'', ''{{w|ABC News}}'' (July 30, 2016)

* The most mentally ill human being in America right now seems to be the president.
** Rihanna, pop singer, quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social &quot;Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'&quot;], Vanity Fiar, 13 February 2023

* He is a successful man for a reason. He's actually created a dialogue [and] forced conversations. He has gotten more people engaged in the political process and current events and what's going on in the world than anyone else has for a long time. More people are engaged than ever before. I think whether you agree with Donald or you don't agree with Donald, he starts conversations. That's what democracy is — you've got to get people engaged to make this country run.
** {{w|Melissa Rivers}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/262626-melissa-rivers-trump-is-a-successful-man-for-a-reason &quot;Melissa Rivers: Trump is ‘a successful man for a reason'&quot;] by Mark Hensch, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015)

* With all his talent, and the ability to raise money and draw large crowds, the President still lives in an alternate reality.  He really does. People say, 'Well he lies about this, that and the other.' But he isn't lying. To him, that's the truth.
** Pat Robertson, televangelist, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/22/politics/pat-robertson-trump-2020-election/index.html  &quot;Televangelist Pat Robertson says Trump lives in an 'alternate reality' and should move on from election loss&quot;] by Veronica Stracqualursi and Jason Hoffman, ''CNN'' (22 December 2020)

* He has by far the largest voice and a big impact in my party. I don't know if he's planning to run in 2024 or not, but if he does, I'm pretty sure he would win the nomination.
** [[Mitt Romney]], as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/02/24/politics/mitt-romney-donald-trump-gop-2024/index.html &quot;What Mitt Romney gets *exactly* right about Donald Trump&quot;], Chris Cillizza, CNN, 25 February 2021

*It's impossible to ignore the conspicuous regularity with which Donald Trump issues intentionally provocative, news-cycle-dominating comments. It's equally difficult to look past their timing, which tends to often coincide with scandalous revelations that reflect poorly on Democratic politicians... This is far from an isolated event; it's a pattern. First, a Democrat becomes embroiled in a controversy or an external event reflects negatively on the party. Donald Trump then makes an outrageous comment calculated for maximum political impact. Like clockwork, the press abandons their critical examination of Democratic policies, and Republicans are back at each other's throats. This is a measurable phenomenon. In just the last six months, there are almost too many examples to count.
**Noah Rothman, [https://www.commentarymagazine.com/politics-ideas/campaigns-elections/many-times-donald-trump-rescued-democrats/ &quot;The Many Times Trump Rescued Dems&quot;] (8 December 2015), ''Commentary''

* Mr. Trump lacks the focus or self-discipline to do the basic work required of a president. His chronic impulsiveness is apparently unstoppable and clearly self-defeating.
** [[Karl Rove]], Republican strategist, [https://www.wsj.com/articles/political-death-by-1-000-tweets-1496875182 Political Death by 1,000 Tweets], in the {{W|Wall Street Journal}}, June 7, 2017

* Donald Trump, champion and avatar of the shallow state, has won power because his supporters are threatened by what they don't understand, and what they don't understand is almost everything. Indeed, from evolution to data about our economy to the science of vaccines to the threats we face in the world, they reject vast subjects rooted in fact in order to have reality conform to their worldviews. They don't dig for truth; they skim the media for anything that makes them feel better about themselves. To many of them, knowledge is not a useful tool but a cunning barrier elites have created to keep power from the average man and woman. The same is true for experience, skills, and know-how. These things require time and work and study and often challenge our systems of belief. Truth is hard; shallowness is easy.
** [[w:David Rothkopf|David Rothkopf]], [http://foreignpolicy.com/2017/02/22/the-shallow-state-trump/ &quot;The Shallow State,&quot;] Foreign Policy, February 22, 2017.

* I think it's time for a war president. Republicans, conservatives and [[Christianity|Christians]], and capitalist, any who love [[capitalism]], any who loves America, patriots, I think we need a war president and I think God sent us someone named Donald Trump, I think he's perfect for this election. We needed someone who is a bit coarse and foul-mouthed and vicious and fights with a gun in a gunfight, not with a knife in a gun fight.
** {{w|Wayne Allyn Root}} [https://soundcloud.com/rightwingwatch/wayne-allyn-root-donald-trump-is-a-vicious-vengeful-foul-mouthed-war-president-sent-by-god] (August 8, 2016)

* Voldemort was nowhere near as bad.
** [[J. K. Rowling]], [https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/674196610683940864 ''Twitter'' post] (December 8, 2015), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/dec/08/jk-rowling-on-donald-trump-voldemort-was-nowhere-as-bad &quot;JK Rowling on Donald Trump: 'Voldemort was nowhere as bad'&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (December 8, 2015)

* Dishonesty is Trump's hallmark: He claimed that he had spoken clearly and boldly against going into Iraq. Wrong, he spoke in favor of invading Iraq. He said he saw thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating [[9/11]]. Wrong, he saw no such thing. He imagined it. His is not the temperament of a stable, thoughtful leader. His imagination must not be married to real power.
* We have long referred to him as &quot;The Donald.&quot; He is the only person in America to whom we have added an article before his name. It wasn't because he had attributes we admired.
** [[Mitt Romney]], remarks on Donald Trump and the 2016 race at the {{w|University of Utah}}. [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/full-transcript-mitt-romneys-remarks-on-donald-trump-and-the-2016-race-220176] (March 3, 2016)

=== S ===
[[File:Bernie Sanders.jpg|thumb|Donald Trump...his entire political strategy is to divide the American people...So you have a president who gives tax breaks to billionaires...who tried to throw 32 million people off health care...who gave 83 percent of the tax benefits to the top one percent...So how do you win an election? What do you say — You see those undocumented people, they all your enemy. 'Stand with me. Hate them. Let's divide this country up.' ~ [[Bernie Sanders]] ]]
*What '''[Donald Trump]''' is doing and this is '''his entire political strategy is to divide the American people''' up based on where we came...'''So you have a president who gives tax breaks to [[Billionaire|billionaires]]''' and wants to cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. That's not what he's going to run on. You've got a president '''who tried to throw 32 million people off health care'''. He ain't gonna run on that one. You got a president '''who gave 83 percent of the tax benefits to the top one percent''', not going to run on that one. '''So how do you win an election? What do you say — You see those undocumented people, they all your enemy. 'Stand with me. Hate them. Let's divide this country up.'''' I think that is an incredibly ugly and dangerous thing to be done. And I will do everything I can to stop that.&quot;
**[https://www.newsweek.com/stand-me-hate-them-bernie-sanders-says-trumps-reelection-plan-based-dividing-country-1445407 ''Stand With Me. Hate Them: Bernie Sanders says Trump's Relection Plan is Based on Dividing the Country, Newsweek,'' Chris Morran] (23 June 2019) 

*Attacks on oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman are unacceptable and must be fully investigated... but this incident must not be used as a pretext for a war with Iran, a war which would be an unmitigated disaster for the United States, Iran, the region, and the world... The time is now for the United States to exert international leadership,... and bring the countries in the region together to forge a diplomatic solution to the growing tensions...I would also remind President Trump that there is no congressional authorization for a war with Iran... A unilateral U.S. attack on Iran would be illegal and unconstitutional.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/06/14/trump-must-not-be-allowed-use-gulf-oman-incidents-pretext-illegal-war-iran-bernie ''Trump Must Not Be Allowed to Use Gulf of Oman Incidents as 'Pretext for Illegal War With Iran': Bernie Sanders, Common Dreams'', Andrea Germanos,] (14 June 2019)

* I think that the American people are never going to elect a president who insults [[Mexicans]], who insults [[Muslims]], who insults women, who insults [[African-American]]s. And let us not forget that several years ago, Trump was in the middle of the so- called [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|birther movement]], trying to delegitimize the president of the United States of America. You know, I find it very interesting, Karen, my dad was born in [[Poland]]. I know a little bit about the immigrant experience. Nobody has ever asked me for my birth certificate. Maybe it has something to do with the [[color]] of my skin.&lt;br&gt;In this country, [[immigration]] reform is a very hot [[debate]]. It's divided the country. But I would [[hope]] very much, that as we have that debate, we do not, as Donald Trump and others have done, resort to [[racism]] and [[xenophobia]] and [[bigotry]]. '''This idea of suddenly, one day or maybe a night, rounding up 11 million people and taking them outside of this country is a vulgar, absurd idea that I would hope very few people in America support.'''&lt;br&gt;When you have Republican candidates for president and in Congress telling you that climate change is a hoax, which is Donald Trump and other candidates' position, what they are really saying is, we don't have the guts to take on the fossil fuel industry. ... You know what happens to that Republican who listens to the scientists? On that day, that Republican loses his campaign funding from the [[w:Koch family|Koch brothers]] and the fossil fuel industry.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], Democratic Presidential Debate in Miami. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/10/us/politics/transcript-democratic-presidential-debate.html?_r=0 transcript] by ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (March 9, 2016)

* Donald Trump is a pathological liar.
** [[Bernie Sanders]], [https://twitter.com/BernieSanders/status/779795585641615360] (September 24, 2016)

*America you were never great./Are you fake news?/America this is the impression I get after feeding from Trump's/Twitter trough.
**[[Craig Santos Perez]] &quot;This Changes Everything&quot; in ''habitat threshold'' (2020)

* Yes, we must donate and volunteer and protest and vote, all while reminding ourselves daily that [[Hillary Clinton]] won the popular vote. And we must commit to defending our friends, neighbors, and coworkers who are immigrants (documented or not), Muslims (American born, immigrants, or refugees), people of color, women seeking reproductive health care, trans men and women seeking safety, lesbian and gay men seeking to protect their families, and everyone and everything else Trump has threatened to harm, up to and including the planet we all live on.
: But we must make time for [[joy]] and [[pleasure]] and [[laughter]] and [[friends]] and [[food]] and [[art]] and [[music]] and [[sex]]. During the darkest days of the [[HIV/AIDS]] epidemic, when Republicans and religious conservatives controlled the federal government and were doing everything in their power to harm the sick and dying, [[queer]]s organized and protested and volunteered and mourned. We also made music and theater and art. We took care of each other, and we danced and loved and fucked. Embracing joy and art and sex in the face of fear and uncertainty made us feel better—it kept us sane—and it had the added benefit of driving our enemies crazy. They couldn't understand how we could be anything but miserable, given the challenges we faced—their greed, their indifference, their bigotry—but we created and experienced joy despite their hatred and despite this awful disease. We turned to each other—we turned to our lovers and friends and sometimes strangers—and said, &quot;Fuck them. Now fuck me.&quot;
: [...] We may never eradicate racism and sexism and hatred. But fight it we will. And don't listen to anyone who tells you that music and dance and art and sex and joy are a distraction from the fight. They are a part of the fight.
:* [[Dan Savage]], [http://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2016/11/15/24691092/savage-love ''Mourning in America''], ''Savage Love'' column, ''The Stranger'', 15 November 2016

* [[Winston Churchill]] of our time.
** [[Michael Savage]] — {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-29
 | title = Savage: Trump is 'Winston Churchill of our time'
 | newspaper = WND
 | url = http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/savage-trump-is-winston-churchill-of-our-time/
}}

* I found that when I was briefing him, I had to put pictures of him in the briefing. When I put the pictures in, it was a good sign, and when I didn’t put the pictures in, you couldn’t get him to focus on it.
* Here’s the bad news, though. Even if you got him to focus on it, he wouldn’t listen to you anyway because he’s so maniacally narcissistic. 
** [[Anthony Scaramucci]], former White House Communications Director serving under Trump, as quoted by David Smith, {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-17
 | title = 'The guy stinks and he’s a racist': Anthony Scaramucci on Donald Trump
 | newspaper = the Guardian
 | url = https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2020/jul/17/the-guy-stinks-and-hes-a-racist-anthony-scaramucci-on-donald-trump
}}

* No two people on this planet seem less concerned with criticism, more content with themselves, or more oblivious to the obscenity of the words they speak. 
** Dave Schilling on Donald Trump and [[Sarah Palin]], [http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/20/sarah-palin-donald-trump-endorsement-speech-quotes &quot;Apocalypse now: Sarah Palin's bizarre Trump endorsement analyzed&quot;] (20 January 2016), ''The Guardian''.

* He does look like he's the last hope [for America]. We don't hear anybody saying what he's saying. In fact, most of the people who ought to be lining up with him are attacking him. They're probably jealous of the amount of press coverage he gets. But the reason he gets so much press coverage is the grassroots are fed up with people who are running things, and they do want a change. They do want people to stand up for America. It really resonates when he says he wants to 'Make America Great Again.'
** [[Phyllis Schlafly]], as quoted in [http://www.wnd.com/2015/12/top-conservative-trump-is-last-hope-for-america/ &quot;Phyllis Schlafly: Trump is 'last hope for America'&quot;], ''WND'' (21 December 2015)

* It [Trump University] was a classic bait-and-switch scheme
** State Attorney General [[w:Eric Schneiderman|Eric Schneiderman]] in [https://money.cnn.com/2016/03/08/news/trump-university-controversy-donald-trump/ Trump University controversy ... in 2 minutes] March 8, 2016

*If Donald Trump becomes the next [[President of the United States|president]] of [[United States|the U.S.]] it would be a complete disaster... I think he is acting like another Hitler by inciting racism... I remember how upset the world was when the Berlin Wall was erected in 1961 and now everybody is building walls again to keep people out. It's absurd.
**Eva Schloss, Anne Frank's step-sister, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/27/politics/anne-frank-donald-trump-adolf-hitler/ interview with ''Newsweek''] (January 2016)

*When that trial ends senators will have to decide if they believe Donald John Trump incited the erection
**[[Chuck Schumer]] on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n4_3u1DQjc 22 January 2021] (also quoted by [https://www.thewrap.com/chuck-schumer-erection-freudian-slip-majority-leader The Wrap])

*I put lipstick on a pig. I feel a deep sense of remorse that I contributed to presenting Trump in a way that brought him wider attention and made him more appealing than he is. I genuinely believe that if Trump wins and gets the [[w:Gold Codes|nuclear codes]], there is an excellent [[possibility]] it will lead to the [[w:Global catastrophic risk|end of civilization]].
**[[Tony Schwartz (author)|Tony Schwartz]], as quoted in ''[https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/07/25/donald-trumps-ghostwriter-tells-all Donald Trump's Ghostwriter Tells All]'' (July 25, 2016) by {{w|Jane Mayer}}, ''{{w|The New Yorker}}''.

* There are two Trumps. The one he presents to the [[world]] is all bluster, {{w|bullying}} and certainty. The other, which I have long felt haunts his inner world, is the [[frightened]] [[child]] of a relentlessly critical and bullying [[w:Fred Trump|father]] and a distant and disengaged [[w:Mary Anne MacLeod Trump|mother]] who couldn't or wouldn't protect him.&lt;br&gt;Trump's [[temperament]] and his habits have hardened with age. He was always cartoonish, but compared with the man for whom I wrote [[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|The Art of the Deal]] 30 years ago, he is significantly [[angrier]] today: more reactive, deceitful, distracted, vindictive, impulsive and, above all, self-absorbed – assuming the last is possible.&lt;br&gt;Fear is the [[hidden]] through-line in Trump's [[life]] – fear of [[weakness]], of inadequacy, of [[failure]], of [[criticism]] and of insignificance. He has spent his life trying to outrun these fears by &quot;[[winning]]&quot; – as he puts it – and by redefining [[reality]] whenever the facts don't serve the narrative he seeks to create. It hasn't worked, but not for lack of effort.&lt;br&gt;Whatever happens, may the worst of Trump [[inspire]] the best in us.
** [[Tony Schwartz (author)]], ''[https://www.theguardian.com/global/commentisfree/2018/jan/18/fear-donald-trump-us-president-art-of-the-deal I wrote The Art of the Deal with Trump. He's still a scared child]'' (18 January 2018), ''{{w|The Guardian}}''.

* Lying is second nature to him.  More than anyone else I have ever met, Trump has the ability to convince himself that whatever he is saying at any given moment is true, or sort of true, or at least ought to be true.
** [[Tony Schwartz (author)]], ''[https://www.thejournal.ie/trump-ghostwriter-regrets-art-of-the-deal-2884723-Jul2016/ 'Lying is second nature to him': Trump's ghostwriter regrets penning Art of the Deal]'' (19 July 2016), ''{{w|TheJournal.ie}}''.

* President Trump sought to overturn the results of an election, of a fair election. He sought a coup by misleading people with lies.
* President Trump is a failed leader. He will go down in history as the worst President ever.
** Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Republican governor, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-11
 | title = Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Trump 'worst president' ever, 'failed leader' after Capitol riot
 | newspaper = abc7
 | url = https://abc7.com/politics/arnold-schwarzenegger-calls-trump-worst-president-ever/9533922/
}}{{dead link}}

* He is neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational art, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man.
** [[Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.]], in ''The New York Times'', February 28, 2017.

* Trump wants to institute a ban that will keep all Muslims out of America... Of course such a ban will not come to pass. The Constitution forbids it. Republicans and Democrats oppose it. Even Israeli politicians, who have a far longer history of confronting terrorism, have chided him for equating Islam with terrorism... Republicans support Trump because he appears to be authentic, isn't afraid to tell it like it is and is not worried about being politically correct. I see the opposite. He isn't authentic, he is cynically opportunistic.
** Khosrow Semnani, [http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865643874/Trump7s-fear-mongering-threatens-Republican-Party.html?pg=all &quot;My view: Trump's Fear-Mongering Threatens Republican Party&quot;] (17 December 2015), ''Deseret News''

* Their cruelty made them feel good, it made them feel proud, it made them feel happy. And it made them feel closer to one another…Their shared laughter at the suffering of others is an adhesive that binds them to one another, and to Trump.&lt;br&gt;Donald Trump, whose uncritical support for Israel and belief that America is fundamentally a nation for white Christians exacerbates a divide between the two largest Jewish populations in the world.
** [[Adam Serwer]], The Cruelty Is the Point: The Past, Present, and Future of Trump's America (2021)

*Trump and Barr let the biggest drug dealers in America off with a slap on the wrist. Law and Order indeed.
**[[Adam Serwer]] 11/18/2020 on Twitter, responding to story about &quot;the $8.3 billion settlement between the Justice Dept. and Purdue Pharma over its marketing of Oxycontin and other addictive opioids. Under the deal, the Sackler family will admit no wrongdoing and face no criminal charges.&quot;

*And [then] you end up in idiocies like Donald Trump on stage waiving around a [[The Bible|Bible]], pretending he gives a damn what's in it. Right, after two marriages, and several adulterous affairs, and all that and bragging about having his experiences with married women; standing up there with a Bible and going 'this is an even better book than the odd of the deals'.&quot;
** {{w|Ben Shapiro}}, ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rQ_mphb7HU Ben Shapiro on Gay Marriage, Gun Control, and Piers Morgan]'', The Rubin Report on ''{{w|YouTube}}''. (12:39 to 13:07) (February 18, 2016) 

* We know Hillary will be a terrible, hard-core ideological leftist; there is probably a 75 percent chance that Trump would govern less badly than Hillary. There is also a 25 percent chance that Trump would do something so catastrophically awful that he seriously harmed the country in ways Hillary wouldn't dream of. His trade policy alone could cast America back into recession; his foreign policy is a shambles. Any talk of him listening to advisers must be based on conjecture — so far, Trump hasn't just been a bull in a china shop, he's been a tank in a glass factory.
** {{w|Ben Shapiro}}, ''[http://www.nationalreview.com/article/438623/conservatisms-moral-crisis-defending-trumps-lies Conservatism's Sad and Ugly Transformation into Trumpism]'', ''{{w|National Review}}'' (August 3, 2016)

*We have predicted nine of his last eight stumbles, and they have yet to all materialize... I think it's more than childish and juvenile and adolescent. There is something creepy about this, his attitude toward women. Take [[Megyn Kelly]] of FOX News, who he just has an absolute obsession about, and he's constantly writing about, you know, how awful she is and no talent and this and that. It's an obsession. And I don't know if he's just never had women — strong, independent women in his life who have spoken to him. It doesn't seem that way. His daughter... But there is something really creepy about this that's beyond locker room. It's almost like a stalker, and I just — I thought this was — it actually did the impossible. It made Ted Cruz look like an honorable, tough guy on the right side of an issue.
** Mark Shields, as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/shields-and-brooks-on-trump-cruz-wife-feud-isis-terror-in-brussels/ &quot;Shields and Brooks on Trump-Cruz wife feud, ISIS terror in Brussels&quot;] (25 March 2016), ''PBS NewsHour''

*The 2017 World Environment Day was dominated by US President Donald Trump walking out of the Paris agreement. What does Trump's arrogance imply for international obligations to protect the earth, for a future based on ecological justice, for sowing the seeds of earth democracy?
**[[Vandana Shiva]] ''Oneness vs. the 1%: Shattering Illusions, Seeding Freedom'' (2018)

* I've known Donald for a few decades, and what you can say without argument is that he's a good father. His kids have turned out really well. There's nothing bad you can say about that.
** [[Gene Simmons]], [http://radio.com/2016/07/06/gene-simmons-on-trump-hes-a-good-father/ Interview with ''Radio.com''] (July 6, 2016)

* [Trump] is not someone who would rule justly or wisely. His track record shows that he is a man of coveting and self-serving – a liar and a cheat should not hold that position.
** Art Sisneros, Republican member of the Electoral College who resigned rather than vote for Trump.[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/30/faithless-electors-electoral-college-donald-trump Teen becomes seventh 'faithless elector' to protest Trump as president-elect] at ''{{w|the Guardian}}'', November 30 2016

* Quite simply: there never would have been a president Donald Trump without talkshow host [[Rush Limbaugh]] paving the way
** [[Michael Smerconish]] on [[CNN]]  &quot;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxF_SN2-zyc]&quot; (February 20, 2021)

*Before the 2016 election I dreaded a return to the Jim Crow era signaled by the slogan “Make America Great Again”, which obviously meant white. Tragically that is exactly what happened. Four more years is unthinkable. That is why I am working to elect President [[Bernie Sanders]].
**[[Barbara Smith]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/feb/10/identity-politics-bernie-sanders-endorsement article] in ''The Guardian''

* For the first time in our Nation’s [[history]], a grand jury has charged a former President with committing [[crimes]] while in office to overturn an election that he lost. In response, the defendant claims that to protect the institution of the Presidency, he must be cloaked with absolute immunity from criminal prosecution unless the House impeached and the Senate convicted him for the same conduct. He is wrong.
** [[Jack Smith]], filing with United States Court of Appeals quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/jack-smith-trump-immunity-appeal-filing/ ''RawStory''] December 30, 2023 

* A great leader treats people with respect even when they present different opinions. Without a variety of views and opinions, we would have no innovation or creativity in our nation. Being a bully and being strong are not the same thing. Being strong is standing up for your convictions. Being a bully is trying to intimidate those who are perceived to be weaker or a threat. As a proud nerd, I had to deal with bullies over many years; it is tragedy watching our world suffer from one.  In addition, President Trump lacks a moral compass. He ignores the truth.
** [[w:Rick Snyder|Rick Snyder]], Republican governor of Michigan from 2011 to 2018.  [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2020/09/03/rick-snyder-why-im-voting-joe-biden-even-republican-column/5696508002/ Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder: I am a Republican vote for Biden] at USA Today, September 3 2020

*It's very difficult to respond in a serious way to any statement that's made by Donald Trump.
** [[Edward Snowden]] in response to Trump calling Snowden &quot;a total traitor&quot; and &quot;a bad guy&quot; and saying &quot;there is still a thing called execution.&quot;
**&quot;[http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/sep/03/edward-snowden-hillary-clinton-email-server Edward Snowden says Hillary Clinton 'ridiculous' to think emails were secure]&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (3 September 2015)

* Donald Trump is a thin-skinned reality TV star with an authoritarian streak.
** Robby Soave, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/06/01/opinions/third-party-candidate-options-robby-soave/index.html &quot;Don't fall for 'lesser of two evils' argument&quot;] (1 June 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

* He is, as of this writing, the most mocked man in the world. (...) He is the {{W|The Fisherman and His Wife|old fisherman's wife who wished for everything and sooner or later he will end up with nothing}}.
**{{w|Rebecca Solnit}}, [http://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-the-loneliness-of-donald-trump/ The Loneliness of Donald Trump], May 30, 2017

* Let me put this in language Donald Trump understands... You're a loser. You're a third-rate politician, who clearly doesn't understand issues, and is so scared of Megyn Kelly exposing it, that you're looking to use veterans to protect you from facing her questions.
** Jon Soltz, [https://www.yahoo.com/politics/veterans-to-trump-were-not-your-megyn-kelly-170202551.html ''VoteVets''] (January 2016)

*Trump (and Bannon and other right-wing authoritarian leaders around the world) is often referred to as a &quot;populist&quot; because he displays faux concern for the working class and a resentment of science and education, but his policies are in fact grotesquely elitist. If by &quot;populist&quot; we mean whipping up resentment against immigrants and people of color, then we should say that. Otherwise, &quot;populism&quot; is just a lazy euphemism for racism.
**[[Jen Sorensen]] ''Greetings from the Wasteland'' (2020)

* Donald Trump is the son of a rich father, who was raised on money since he was a child. I grew up in wealth too. My father would jokingly warn me when I was a child, &quot;Don’t be like Trump.&quot;
** {{w|Alexander Soros}}, interviewed by Nahum Barnea for {{w|YNet}}, [https://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-5241290,00.html &quot;Why they hate George Soros&quot;].

*In a country with more than 300 million people, it is remarkable how obsessed the media have become with just one—Donald Trump. What is even more remarkable is that, after seven years of repeated disasters, both domestically and internationally, under a glib egomaniac in the White House, so many potential voters are turning to another glib egomaniac to be his successor.
**[[Thomas Sowell]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* I had some friends over for dinner and we were of course talking about Trump. People are saying, we don't think Trump's going to be the nominee. I said, I'll tell you what: I think he is. I'll tell you why I think he's going to be the nominee: he's proven that no matter what he says, people dig him. ... I think more or less, people are super tired of politicians, meaning that they like the idea of a successful businessman running the country who might actually be able to get shit done.
** [[Howard Stern]] — as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-08-24
 | author = Matt Wilstein
 | title = Howard Stern Predicts Trump Will Be GOP Nominee: He 'Gets Sh*t Done'
 | newspaper = Mediaite.com
 | url = http://www.mediaite.com/online/howard-stern-predicts-trump-will-be-gop-nominee-he-gets-sht-done/
}}

*His stance on Muslim immigration, which he would cease until the terror threat is brought under control, is racist. Trump does not care about the things that regular conservatives have dedicated their lives to fighting for: controls on abortion, protection of marriage, reform of the healthcare market. His inclination towards expanding the government and putting it on the side of his people isn't terribly constitutional. And his claim in a debate that the purpose of conservatism is to conserve wealth is spiritually impoverished. The Republican Party needs to stop him; and sooner rather than later.
**Timothy Stanley, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/02/10/opinions/donald-trump-republican-party-stanley/index.html &quot;Donald Trump can win &amp;ndash; and he must be stopped&quot;] (10 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*In the past few months, a Republican front-runner has emerged who has praised Planned Parenthood, pushed elements of a big [[Government spending|spending]] agenda and questioned the [[Neoconservatism|neoconservative]] agenda. There's a case for saying that some or all of these were in need of analysis and revision. But Trump has taken a wrecking ball to the American conservative movement that threatens to leave it in pieces. It's a revolutionary moment and, unless I'm very much mistaken, conservatives are not supposed to be the revolutionaries. They exist to bring order to chaos, rationality over passion. Trump seems to exist to &quot;mix things up.&quot; He is &quot;nasty&quot; and &quot;fun&quot; - although more the former than the latter. His enthusiasm for torture is unpleasant to say the least.
**Timothy Stanley, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/20/opinions/trump-south-carolina-victory-opinion-timothy-stanley/index.html &quot;Trump is blowing up conservatism - can he be stopped?&quot;] (21 February 2016), ''CNN'', State of Georgia: Cable News Network

*In January 2018, the experts at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands of the Doomsday Clock to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump's nuclear thinking... Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn't use them.&lt;BR&gt; His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new Nuclear Posture Review (NPR), the first since Obama's 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined &quot;extreme circumstances,&quot; such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its &quot;allies and partners.&quot; The review doubled down on Obama's unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year.
*On top of this, we have the rapid and accelerating drift toward planetary disaster exacerbated by the climate change–denying troglodytes in the Trump administration. 
**[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,'']  [[Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (April 2019)

* Trump is not just a wacky politician of the far right, or a riveting television spectacle, or a Twitter phenom and bizarre working-class hero. He is not just another candidate to be parsed and analyzed by TV pundits in the same breath as all the others. '''In terms of our [[liberal democracy]] and constitutional order, Trump is an extinction-level event. It's long past time we started treating him as such.'''
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/04/america-tyranny-donald-trump.html &quot;America Has Never Been So Ripe for Tyranny&quot; in ''New York'' (2 May 2016)]

* No one claimed fraud. No one derided the lopsided unfairness of the parliamentary results, where Labour got 34 percent of the vote and a whopping 63 percent of the seats, and where the new rightist Reform Party won 14 percent of the vote and got only 5 seats. Those were the rules ahead of the game, and they were the rules everyone had agreed to.&lt;br&gt;There is one reason and one reason only why this kind of conciliatory exchange cannot happen any time soon in America, and that is Donald J. Trump. With a mind warped by pathological and malignant narcissism, incapable of generosity or grace or fairness, Trump has dominated this country’s politics for almost a decade now. He has systematically corroded every democratic norm and institution: the rule of law, the process of elections, the integrity of the Supreme Court, the independence of the Justice Department, the peaceful nature of the transfer of power, and the reliability of our alliances around the world. And none of this damage has been done to advance any broad policy or meaningful agenda, but merely and solely to advance the narcissism and corruption of the president himself.
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [https://andrewsullivan.substack.com/p/wanted-an-american-starmer &quot;Wanted: An American Starmer&quot; in ''The Weekly Dish'' (July 12, 2024)]

* But we do know for a fact that Trump is criminally inclined, driven by vengeance and rage, and has now been granted vague and unprecedented immunity powers by SCOTUS whose limits he will doubtless exploit. We know he will delegitimize any institution that gets in his way; and we know that electing a convicted felon who has already once tried to stop the peaceful transfer of power will be a watershed for a purported republic.
** [[Andrew Sullivan]], in [https://andrewsullivan.substack.com/p/wanted-an-american-starmer &quot;Wanted: An American Starmer&quot; in ''The Weekly Dish'' (July 12, 2024)]

* Trump is, of course, a master of distraction and {{w|media ma­nipu­la­tion}}. It's possible to resist being his chump, but it takes continued self-regulation.
** [[Margaret Sullivan (journalist)|Margaret Sullivan]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/journalists-in-the-age-of-trump-lose-the-smugness-keep-the-mission/2016/11/29/1ee85a28-b64b-11e6-a677-b608fbb3aaf6_story.html Journalists in the age of Trump: Lose the smugness, keep the mission.]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (November 29, 2016)

* The press often will ask me if I think Donald Trump is crazy. And I’ll say it this way: I don't think he’s so crazy that you could put him in a mental institution. But I think if he were in one, he ain’t getting out!
** [[w:Chris Sununu | Chris Sununu]], Republican, governor in New Hampshire, quoted in [https://www.politico.com/newsletters/playbook/2022/04/03/a-night-of-laughter-and-cringe-at-the-gridiron-00022578 &quot;POLITICO Playbook: A night of laughter and cringe at the Gridiron&quot;], Politico, 4 April 2022

* Like many of you, I watched the [September 9, 2024 presidential candidate] debate tonight. If you haven’t already, now is a great time to do your research on the issues at hand and the stances these candidates take on the topics that matter to you the most. As a voter, I make sure to watch and read everything I can about their proposed policies and plans for this country.&lt;br&gt;Recently I was made aware that AI of ‘me’ falsely endorsing Donald Trump’s presidential run was posted to his site. It really conjured up my fears around AI, and the dangers of spreading misinformation. It brought me to the conclusion that I need to be very transparent about my actual plans for this election as a voter. The simplest way to combat misinformation is with the truth.&lt;br&gt;I will be casting my vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz in the 2024 Presidential Election. I’m voting for @kamalaharris because she fights for the rights and causes I believe need a warrior to champion them. I think she is a steady-handed, gifted leader and I believe we can accomplish so much more in this country if we are led by calm and not chaos. I was so heartened and impressed by her selection of running mate @timwalz, who has been standing up for LGBTQ+ rights, IVF, and a woman’s right to her own body for decades.&lt;br&gt;I’ve done my research, and I’ve made my choice. Your research is all yours to do, and the choice is yours to make. I also want to say, especially to first time voters: Remember that in order to vote, you have to be registered! I also find it’s much easier to vote early. I’ll link where to register and find early voting dates and info in my story.&lt;br&gt;With love and hope,&lt;br&gt;Taylor Swiftz&lt;br&gt;Childless Cat Lady
** [[Taylor Swift]] in [https://apnews.com/article/taylor-swift-endorse-kamala-harris-president-3a36b6f9695c20153891bba35c47f21d &quot;Taylor Swift endorses Kamala Harris for president after debate ends&quot;], ''AP News'' (September 10, 2024)

* But at some point—if you understand, and this is not just ideological, it's not just the fact that he's abandoned one position after another or that he has the penchant for internet hoaxes or conspiracy theories. I mean a week ago tonight, remember, he was peddling the notion that Ted Cruz's dad had something do with the JFK assassination. So there are people who say that just because of party loyalty we're supposed to forget all of that. I just don't buy that. Because I've cautioned my fellow conservatives, you embrace Donald Trump, you embrace it all. You embrace every slur, every insult, every outrage, every falsehood. You're going to spend the next six months defending, rationalizing, evading all that. And afterwards, you come back to women, to minorities, to young people and say, that wasn't us. That's not what we're about. The reality is, if you support him to be president of the United States, that is who you are, and you own it.
** Charlie Sykes, on [http://www.weeklystandard.com/sykes-if-you-embrace-trump-you-embrace-every-slur-insult-outrage-falsehood/article/2002334 ''The Kelly File''] (2016), FOX News

=== T ===
*All of Trump's constant bragging about his money and his poll numbers and his virility speak directly to this surprisingly vibrant middle American fantasy about a castrated white America struggling to re-grow its mojo... as basketball star turned pundit Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pointed out earlier this week, PC isn’t a new thing, or even a thing at all. It’s just an “emotional challenge every generation has had to go through.” We get older, our kids correct our bad habits, it happens. Not to Trump’s supporters. They’ve turned some minor cultural changes into a vast conspiracy of white victimhood. They're eating up Trump's ''Make America Great Again'' theme, which one supporter hilariously explained must be his true goal, because 'it's on his hat', because it's a fantasy tale of a once-great culture ruined by an invasion of mongrel criminals.
**Matt Taibbi, [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-gop-is-now-officially-the-party-of-dumb-white-people-20150904 &quot;The Republicans Are Now Officially the Party of White Paranoia&quot;], ''Rolling Stone''.

* The [[Biden]] team is trying to go on with business as usual, but at some point, barring Trump getting a personality transplant, this is going to come to a head. The President is refusing to concede, he is refusing to allow the transition process to begin...
** [[w:Jake Tapper|Jake Tapper]] on CNN's [https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2020/11/18/lead-warner-live-jake-tapper.cnn The lead with Jake Tapper (video)] November 18, 2020 at 4:22et

* What we saw week in and week out, for me, after two and a half years in that administration, was terrifying. We would go in to try to talk to him about a pressing national security issue -- cyberattack, terrorism threat -- he wasn't interested in those things. To him, they weren't priorities.
* Given what I have experienced in the administration, I have to support Joe Biden for president and even though I am not a Democrat, even though I disagree on key issues, I'm confident that Joe Biden will protect the country and I'm confident that he won't make the same mistakes as this President.
* I saw firsthand how dangerous Trump is for America.
** Miles Taylor, who served as chief of staff to Department of Homeland Security Secretary in the Trump administration from 2017 to 2019.  Quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-08-17
 | author = Gillian Turner, Paul Steinhauser
 | title = Former senior Trump administration official backs Biden
 | newspaper = Fox News
 | url = https://www.foxnews.com/politics/former-senior-trump-administration-official-backs-biden
}}

* What we saw week in and week out and for me after two and a half years in that administration was terrifying
** Miles Taylor, former DHS chief of staff [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/miles-taylor-homeland-security-trump-terrifying/ on CBS News]
 
* [T]he media always is taking Trump literally. It never takes him seriously, but it always takes him literally. I think a lot of the voters who vote for Trump take Trump seriously, but not literally.
** [[Peter Thiel]], [http://www.press.org/sites/default/files/20161031_thiel.pdf Speech at the National Press Club] (October 31, 2016)

*Trump has given more than $100,000 to the Democratic House and Senate campaign committees. In 2006, the year Democrats took back Congress, he gave $25,000 to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee... Trump wanted Nancy Pelosi to be speaker of the House and Harry Reid the Senate majority leader. Which is not surprising. At the time he made those contributions, from August 2001 to September 2009, Trump was a registered Democrat... Trump continued to support Reid as majority leader in the election immediately after the passage of Obamacare... With all his past support for Democrats, Trump ought to be asked: Will he commit to supporting whoever is the eventual Republican nominee? After all, why should he be welcomed into the Republican fold if he is going to end up throwing his support to Clinton? The fact is, Trump isn't a Democrat or a Republican; he is an opportunist... He's less a candidate than a brand. And running for president is great for the Trump brand, an opportunity for Donald Trump to take the national stage and tell us all how great he is. He pretty much admitted as much during his announcement speech, when he pointed out that some questioned whether he was really as successful as he claimed.
** Marc A. Thiessen, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-donald-trump-helped-democrats-pass-obamacare/2015/06/22/002f4c7c-18ea-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html &quot;How Donald Trump helped Democrats pass Obamacare&quot;] (22 June 2015), ''The Washington Post''

*I wanted to like Donald Trump, much as I wanted to like Richard Nixon's vice president, Spiro Agnew. Both men have said many things with which I agree. Agnew attacked media bias, and Trump attacks the establishment's failure to &quot;make America great,&quot; as he nonspecifically puts it. But a proper diagnosis does not equal competence in administering a cure. If I developed a brain tumor, I would want Ben Carson to operate on me, but do I want Donald Trump &quot;operating&quot; on America? Everyone has a temperament. The dictionary defines it as &quot;the combination of mental, physical, and emotional traits of a person.&quot; Would Trump's &quot;combination&quot; make him a good president? I think not.
**Cal Thomas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (21 January 2016), ''National Review''.

* I do think the President committed impeachable offenses.
** [[w:Pat Toomey|Pat Toomey]], Republican senator, quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-10
 | author = Kate Sullivan, Nicky Robertson
 | title = Republican Sen. Pat Toomey says he thinks Trump 'committed impeachable offenses'
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/09/politics/pat-toomey-trump-impeachable-offenses/index.html
}}

* There was a strange aftertaste to many of the calls for grand social [[reform]] in 2020. As the [[COVID-19 pandemic|coronavirus crisis]] overtook us, the [[Left-wing politics|left wing]] on both sides of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], at least that part that had been fired up [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and [[Bernie Sanders]], was going down to defeat. The promise of a radicalized and reenergized left, organized around the idea of the [[Green New Deal]], seemed to dissipate amidst the pandemic. It fell to [[Government|governments]] mainly of the [[Centrism|center]] and the [[Right-wing politics|right]] to meet the crisis. They were a strange assortment. [[Jair Bolsonaro]] in [[Brazil]] and Donald Trump in the United States experimented with denial. For them [[Climate change denial|climate skepticism]] and [[wikipedia:COVID-19_misinformation|virus skepticism]] went hand in hand. In [[Mexico]], the notionally left-wing government of [[Andrés Manuel López Obrador]] also pursued a maverick path, refusing to take drastic action. [[Nationalist]] strongmen like [[Rodrigo Duterte]] in the [[Philippines]], [[Narendra Modi]] in [[India]], [[Vladimir Putin]] in [[Russia]], and [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]] in [[Turkey]] did not deny [[SARS-CoV-2|the virus]], but relied on their patriotic appeal and bullying tactics to see them through. It was the managerial centrist types who were under most pressure. Figures like [[Nancy Pelosi]] and [[Chuck Schumer]] in the United States, or [[Sebastián Piñera]] in [[Chile]], or [[Cyril Ramaphosa]] in [[South Africa]], [[Emmanuel Macron]], [[Angela Merkel]], [[Ursula von der Leyen]], and their ilk in [[Europe]]. They accepted the [[science]]. [[Denial]] was not an option. They were desperate to demonstrate that they were better than the '[[Populism|populists]].' To meet the crisis, very middle-of-the-road [[politicians]] ended up doing very [[Radicalism|radical]] things. Most of it was improvisation and compromise, but insofar as they managed to put a programmatic gloss on their responses—whether in the form of the [[EU]]'s [[wikipedia:Next_Generation_EU|Next Generation program]] or [[Joe Biden|Biden]]'s [[Build Back Better Plan|Build Back Better program]] in 2020—it came from the repertoire of [[Climate action|green modernization]], [[sustainable development]], and the [[Green New Deal]].
** [[wikipedia:Adam Tooze|Adam Tooze]], ''Shutdown: How Covid Shook the World Economy'' (2021)

* [[w:Criticism of response to the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|The governments]] that have been negligent from the beginning [...] are afraid of demonstrating their ineptitude in the face of such a health crisis. At the last minute, Trump declared a &quot;[[w:Public health emergency (United States)|national emergency]]&quot; and agreed with the Democrats in Congress on a special package for {{w|sick leave}} and rapid testing. If he appears incompetent in the face of a crisis and thousands of [[w:2019–20 coronavirus pandemic#Deaths|people die]], he could lose the [[2020 United States presidential election|U.S. presidency]], even to Biden.
** [[Trotskyist Fraction – Fourth International]], ''[https://www.leftvoice.org/coronavirus-and-the-healthcare-crisis-our-lives-are-worth-more-than-their-profits Coronavirus and the Healthcare Crisis: Our Lives Are Worth More than Their Profits!]'' (March 14, 2020), ''Left Voice''.

* He's got to condemn this sh*t ASAP. 
* We need an Oval office address. He has to lead now. It has gone too far and gotten out of hand.
** Donald Trump Jr. writing [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html text messages] to White House chief of staff Mark Meadows on January 6 2021, urging Meadows to make Donald Trump stop the attack on the Congress Building.  

* Every family has their crazy uncle. My Uncle Donald is atomic crazy.
** Fred Trump III, nephew of Donald Trump, cited in [https://abcnews.go.com/US/fred-trump-iii-calls-uncle-donald-trump-atomic/story &quot;Fred Trump III calls uncle Donald Trump 'atomic crazy,' says he used racial slur decades ago&quot;], ''ABC News'' (July 30, 2024)

* I think he would be a great president... He is one of the most dynamic people in the world. He looks presidential, and he talks presidential, and he would make the changes he promises.
** [[w:Ivana Trump|Ivana Trump]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2016-02-11
 | author = Eddie Roche
 | title = Daily Exclusive: Ivana Trump Uncensored
 | newspaper = Daily Front Row
 | url = http://fashionweekdaily.com/daily-exclusive-ivana-trump-uncensored/
}}

* My father is an unbelievable listener, and I don't think people realize that until they actually know him. And he ultimately makes his own decisions and that's what any leader needs to do.
** [[Ivanka Trump]], as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-14
 | author = Judy Kurtz
 | title = Ivanka Trump: Dad's conflict with Megyn Kelly 'very sensationalized'
 | newspaper = The Hill
 | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/256903-ivanka-trump-dads-conflict-with-megyn-kelly-very
}}

* Today, Donald is much as he was at three years old: incapable of growing, learning, or evolving, unable to regulate his emotions, moderate his responses, or take in &amp; synthesize information.
** {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-07
 | author = Mary Trump (niece of Donald Trump)
 | title = The explosive tell-all book by Trump's niece is coming out two weeks earlier than expected
 | newspaper = CNN
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2020/07/06/media/mary-trump-book-release-date/index.html
}}

* Donald's pathologies are so complex and his behaviors so often inexplicable that coming up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis would require a full battery of psychological and neurophysical tests that he'll never sit for
** {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-08
 | author = William Goldschlag, Dan Janison
 | title = Donald Trump's niece: He lies, cheats, is cruel, incompetent and cheap
 | newspaper = Newsday
 | url = https://www.newsday.com/long-island/politics/trump-niece-mary-book-conway-coronavirus-schools-reopening-biden-who-jacksonville-rnc-tiktok-1.46510343
}}

* I have no problem calling Donald a narcissist — he meets all nine criteria.
** Mary Trump, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2020-07-14
 | author = Kurt Andersen
 | title = Review: The most devastating thing about Mary Trump’s portrait is her empathy for Donald Trump
 | newspaper = Los Angeles Times
 | url = https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2020-07-14/the-most-devastating-thing-about-mary-trumps-portrait-of-trump-is-i
}}

* In order to understand what brought Donald- and all of us- to this point, we need to start with my grandfather and his own need for recognition, a need that propelled him to encourage Donald's reckless hyperbole and unearned confidence that hid Donald's pathological weaknesses and insecurities. As Donald grew up, he was forced to become his own cheerleader, first, because he needed his father to believe he was a better and more confident son than Freddy was; then because Fred required it of him; and finally because he began to believe his own hype, even as he paradoxically suspected on a very deep level that nobody else did. By the time of the election, Donald met any challenges to his sense of superiority with anger, his fear and vulnerabilities so effectively buried that he didn't even have to acknowledge they existed. And he never would.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11

* In the [[1970s]], after my grandfather had already been preferring and promoting Donald for years, the New York media picked up the baton and began disseminating Donald's unsubstantiated hype. In the [[1980s]], the banks joined in when they began to fund his ventures. Their willingness (and then their need) to foster his increasingly unfounded claims to success hung on the hopes of recouping their losses. After a decade during which Donald floundered, dragged down by bankruptcies and reduced to fronting for a series of failed products from steaks to vodka, the television producer Mark Burnett gave him yet another chance. ''The Apprentice'' traded on Donald's image as the brash, self-made dealmaker, a myth that had been the creation of my grandfather five decades earlier and astonishingly, considering the vast trove of evidence disproving it, had survived into the new millennium almost entirely unaltered. By the time Donald announced his run for the Republican Party nomination in 2015, a significant percentage of the American population had been primed to believe that myth.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11

* To this day, the lies, misrepresentations, and fabrications that are the sum total of who my uncle is are perpetuated by the Republican Party and white evangelical Christians. People who know better, such as Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell; true believers, such as Representative Kevin McCarthy, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and Attorney General William Barr; and others too numerous to name, have become, unwittingly or not, complicit in their perpetuation.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 11-12

* The fact is, Donald's pathologies are so complex and his behaviors so often inexplicable that coming up with an accurate and comprehensive diagnosis would require a full battery of psychological and neuropsychological tests that he'll never sit for. At this point, we can't evaluate his day-to-day functioning because he is, in the West Wing, essentially institutionalized. Donald has been institutionalized for most of his adult life, so there is no way to know how he would thrive, or even survive, on his own in the real world. At the end of my aunt's birthday party in 2017, as we lined up for our pictures, I could see that Donald was already under a kind of stress he'd never experienced before. As the pressures upon him have continued to mount over the course of the last three years, the disparity between the level of competence required for running a country and his incompetence has widened, revealing his delusions more starkly than ever before. Many, but by no means all of us, have been shielded until now from the worst effects of his pathologies by a stable economy and a lack of serious crises. But the out-of-control COVID-19 pandemic, the possibility of an economic depression, deepening social divides along political lines thanks to Donald's penchant for division, and devastating uncertainty about our country's future have created a perfect storm of catastrophes that no one is less equipped than my uncle to manage. Doing so would require courage, strength of character, deference to experts, and the confidence to take responsibility and to course correct after admitting mistakes. His ability to control unfavorable situations by lying, spinning, and obfuscating has diminished to the point of impotence in the midst of the tragedies we are currently facing. His egregious and arguably intentional mishandling of the current catastrophe has led to a level of scrutiny and pushback that he's never experienced before, increasing his belligerence and need for petty revenge as he withholds vital funding, personal protective equipment, and ventilators that your tax dollars have paid for from states whose governors don't kiss his ass sufficiently.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 13-14

* After the election, Donald called his big sister, ostensibly to find out how he was doing. Of course, he thought he already knew the answer; otherwise he wouldn't have made the call in the first place. He merely wanted her to confirm very strongly that he was doing a fantastic job. When she said, &quot;Not that good,&quot; Donald immediately went on offense. &quot;That's nasty,&quot; he said. She could see the sneer on his face. Then, seemingly apropos of nothing, he asked her, &quot;Maryanne, where would you be without me?&quot; It was a smug reference to the fact that Maryanne owed her first federal judgeship to Donald because Roy Cohn had done him (and her) a favor all those years ago. My aunt has always insisted that she earned her position on the bench entirely on her own merits, and she shot back at him, &quot;If you say that one more time, I will ''level'' you.&quot; But it was an empty threat. Although Maryanne had prided herself on being the only person on the planet Donald ever listened to, those days were long past, which was illustrated not long after, in June 2018. On the eve of Donald's first summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, Maryanne called the White House and left a message with his secretary: &quot;Tell him his older sister called with a little sisterly advice. Prepare. Learn from those who know what they are doing. Stay away from Dennis Rodman. And leave his Twitter alone.&quot; He ignored all of it. The ''Politico'' headline the following day read &quot;Trump Says Kim Meeting Will Be About 'Attitude,' Not Prep Work.&quot; If Maryanne had ever had any sway over her little brother, it was gone now. Aside from the requisite birthday call, they didn't speak much after that.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 188-189

* Donald was to my grandfather what the border wall as been for Donald: a vanity project funded at the expense of more worthy pursuits.
** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 194

* He's smart, he's tough, he knows what he's doing. He's speaking from his heart. He's the best.
** {{w|Melania Trump}}, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/263527-melania-trump-not-nervous-for-husband &quot;Melania Trump not nervous for husband&quot;] by Judy Kurtz, ''The Hill'' (16 December 2015)

*Trump's entire personal and professional history is Obama-esque. When it serves his interests, Trump lies. He has lied to business associates, employees, friends, spouses, and now to millions of prospective voters. Anyone who thinks that Trump will not lie to them, or that he will at least tell the truth about 'important things', immigration or ISIS or whatever, is deluding himself. When it becomes expedient for Trump to lie, he will.
**Ian Tuttle, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/431755/donald-trumps-huge-lies &quot;Donald Trump's Huge Lies&quot;], ''National Review''

* After close review of recent Tweets from the @realDonaldTrump account and the context around them we have permanently suspended the account due to the risk of further incitement of violence.
** Twitter, as quoted by {{citation
 | date = 2021-01-08
 | author = Brian Fung
 | title = Twitter bans President Trump permanently
 | newspaper = CNN Business
 | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2021/01/08/tech/trump-twitter-ban/index.html
}}

* Right now, I’m not sure whether he should stay in place for a week or step down immediately.
** Christian Tybring-Gjedde, quoted in [https://www.thelocal.no/20210107/trump-scares-norwegian-politician-who-nominated-him-for-nobel-peace-prize &quot;Trump 'scares' Norwegian politician who nominated him for Nobel Peace Prize&quot;] 7 January 2021

* We're really good friends, we go back to '86, '87. Most of my successful and best fights were at [[w:Trump International Hotel and Tower|Trump's hotels]]. He didn't manage me, though. He was just helping me with my [[w:Mike Tyson#Rape conviction, prison, and conversion|court case]]. '''We're the same guy, a thrust for power, a drive for power. Whatever field we're in, we need power in that field. That's just who we are. Balls of energy. We're not even who we think we are. We're fire. We're made of this crap—water, motion, dirt, diamonds, emeralds. We're made out of that stuff, can you believe it?'''
* That shit is the real deal. Listen: I'm a black motherfucker from the poorest town in the country. I've been through a lot in life. And I know him. When I see him, he shakes my hand and respects my family. None of them—[[Barack Obama|Barack]], whoever—nobody else does that. They're gonna be who they are and disregard me, my family. So I'm voting for him. If I can get 20,000 people or more to vote for him, I'm gonna do it.
** [[Mike Tyson]], in an interview with {{w|The Daily Caller}}. [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/01/21/mike-tyson-why-i-m-a-muslim-for-donald-trump.html] (January 21, 2016)

=== U ===
[[File:Trump Second Impeachment Vote.png |thumb|President Trump gravely [[endangered]] the [[security]] of the [[United States]] and its [[institutions]] of [[Government]]. He threatened the [[integrity]] of the [[democratic]] [[system]], interfered with the [[peaceful]] transition of [[power]], and imperiled a coequal branch of Government.]]

* President Trump gravely [[endangered]] the [[security]] of the [[United States]] and its [[institutions]] of [[Government]]. He threatened the [[integrity]] of the [[democratic]] [[system]], interfered with the [[peaceful]] transition of [[power]], and imperiled a coequal branch of Government. He thereby betrayed his trust as President, to the manifest [[injury]] of the [[people]] of the United States. &lt;br /&gt; Wherefore, Donald John Trump, by such [[conduct]], has [[demonstrated]] that he will remain a threat to national security, democracy, and [[United States Constitution|the Constitution]] if allowed to remain in office, and has acted in a manner grossly incompatible with self-governance and the [[rule of law]]. Donald John Trump thus warrants [[impeachment]] and [[trial]], removal from office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any office of [[honor]], [[trust]], or [[profit]] under the United States.
** [[United States Congress|United States House of Representatives]]; the concluding lines of [https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-resolution/24/text &quot;H.Res.24 - Impeaching Donald John Trump, President of the United States, for high crimes and misdemeanors&quot;, introduced 11 January 2021, and approved 13 January 2021]

=== V ===
* you have to remember that Trump has no shame. There’s nothing that we can say to him, or nothing that he can say, that will make him blush. However, he’s only in power because of all these seemingly normal people supporting him. If we can make all of them radioactive, beyond radioactive, then we can take some steps towards hopefully neutralizing this larger threat.
**[[Eli Valley]] [https://www.tcj.com/eli-valley-and-the-plight-of-the-secular-jew/ Interview] (2018)

*I wrote about him as a buffoon, a dangerous buffoon, someone who wouldn’t actually become president. And so I spoke about him in terms of what it revealed about Jewish leaders who were supporting him despite his being a hero of American naziism — this was clear long before Charlottesville...I call Trump Netanyahu with smaller hands in the introduction. Netanyahu shares a lot in common with Trump. Including demagoguery, bigotry, attacks on the press, attacks on institutions of democracy, attacks on human rights organizations. I don’t know if Trump has gone that far yet, but he will. It’s a similar method of autocrats.
**[[Eli Valley]] about Donald Trump [https://electricliterature.com/how-donald-trump-changed-political-comics/ Interview] (2017)

* Mr. Trump is unfit for our nation’s highest office.
** [[J.D. Vance]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/04/opinion/campaign-stops/why-trumps-antiwar-message-resonates-with-white-america.html &quot;Why Trump’s Antiwar Message Resonates with White America&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (April 4, 2016)

* People no longer trust the career politicians, no longer trust the status-quo because they screwed it up so bad. I loved listening to you talk to those other talking heads about 'Donald Trump could be the destruction of the whole Republican party.' I throw my hands up in the air and cheer. I hope it happens! And I hope [[Bernie Sanders]] is the destruction of the Democratic Party. It's time to break up the two party dictatorship.
** [[Jesse Ventura]] on CNN with Don Lemon, as quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-10-07
 | author = Chris Enloe
 | title = Jesse Ventura Wants to Destroy the Political Establishment and He's Named Two Guys to Do It
 | newspaper = IJ Review
 | url = https://www.ijreview.com/2015/10/439711-jesse-ventura-supports-donald-trump-bernie-sanders-destroying-political-establishment/
}}

*We believe your final decision yesterday was the right one — given the so-called &quot;fog of war&quot; and against the background of a long list of intelligence mistakes, not to mention &quot;cooking&quot; shenanigans. We... think Tucker Carlson had it right yesterday evening: &quot;The very people — in some cases, literally the same people who lured us into the Iraq quagmire 16 years ago — are demanding a new war — this one with Iran. Carlson described you as &quot;skeptical.&quot; We believe ample skepticism is warranted.
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo's dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo's behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to  military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. 
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

*If Pompeo failed to report back to you on the conversation you instructed him to have with [[William Binney|Binney]], you might ask him about it now (even though the flimsy evidence of Russia hacking the DNC has now evaporated, with Binney vindicated). There were two note-takers present at the October 24, 2017 meeting at CIA headquarters. There is also a good chance the session was also recorded. You might ask Pompeo about that... Binney had the impression Pompeo was simply going through the motions — and disingenuously, at that. If he &quot;really wanted to know about Russian hacking,&quot; he would have acquainted himself with the conclusions that VIPS, with Binney in the lead, had reached in mid-2017, and which apparently caught your eye.... Had he pursued the matter seriously with Binney, we might not have had to wait until the Justice Department itself put nails in the coffin of Russiagate, CrowdStrike, and Comey. In sum, Pompeo could have prevented two additional years of &quot;everyone knows that the Russians hacked into the DNC.&quot; Why did he not?
**[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo's Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019)

* We are all Gold Star Families, '''who have lost those we love the most in war. Ours is a sacrifice you will never know. Ours is a sacrifice we would never want you to know.'''
* Your recent comments regarding the Khan family were repugnant, and personally offensive to us. When you question a mother's pain, by implying that her religion, not her grief, kept her from addressing an arena of people, you are attacking us. When you say your job building buildings is akin to our sacrifice, you are attacking our sacrifice. You are not just attacking us, you are cheapening the sacrifice made by those we lost. You are minimizing the risk our service members make for all of us. This goes beyond politics. It is about a sense of decency. That kind decency you mock as &quot;political correctness.&quot;
** [[w:VoteVets.org|VoteVets]]' Gold Star Family Members, open letter to Trump [http://www.votevets.org/press/gold-star-letter] (August 1, 2016)

=== W ===
* We've never had a president whose business created as many potential {{w|conflicts of interest}} as Donald Trump, and at the same time we've never had a president who cared less about conflicts of interest as Donald Trump. Indeed, he and his children are making it quite clear that they will use the presidency as a tool to make as much money as they can. And Republicans, particularly [[United States Congress|Congress]], have apparently decided that if Trump does it, it's okay.
** [[Paul Waldman]], ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2016/12/05/republicans-are-already-making-it-clear-trump-can-do-whatever-he-wants/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&amp;utm_term=.4d816d92b558 Republicans are already making it clear: Trump can do whatever he wants]'', ''{{w|The Washington Post}}'' (December 5, 2016)

*The political triumph of Donald Trump is a symbol and symptom—not cause or origin—of our imperial meltdown. Trump is neither alien nor extraneous to American culture and history. In fact, he is as American as apple pie. Yet he is a sign of our spiritual bankruptcy—all spectacle and no substance, all narcissism and no empathy, all appetite and greed and no wisdom and maturity.
**[[Cornel West]] ''Race Matters'' (2017 edition)

* Can we get Trump to prove he's a good citizen or we'll deport him?
** {{w|Shannon Wheeler}}, cartoonist, [https://twitter.com/muchcoffee twitted] 10.10

* Trump actually faces unique obstacles as he courts black voters. The mogul has a long history of using racially charged rhetoric and his real estate company was sued for allegedly discriminating against black renters in the 1970s. His stance on Muslims, which has drawn praise from white supremacists, could also prove problematic, since over 25 percent of American Muslims are black.
**Hunter Walker, [https://www.yahoo.com/politics/donald-trump-has-a-huge-1317867072716854.html &quot;Donald Trump has a plan to win ‘100 percent' of the black vote and prove he's not a racist&quot;] (10 December 2015), ''Yahoo! News''

*America has lost more than 12 million jobs in the last six months. An estimated 12 million people have lost their employer-sponsored health insurance during the worst pandemic in a century. Tens of millions report not having enough to eat.  But one month ago, tens of millions of unemployed Americans lost... a $600 weekly federal unemployment insurance benefit that Congress failed to renew...  How can this happen in a democracy? This is a question that everyone who works for a living... might want to consider on this Labor Day... If the facts of this political disaster were more widely known and understood, Republicans could lose not only the presidency but also the Senate in November. After all, millions of unemployed Republicans lost most of their income as a result of what their political party...did... Who would want to be forcing layoffs — potentially totaling millions at the state and local level — during a depression and pandemic? Ask Sen. McConnell and Donald Trump.
**[[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://www.timesfreepress.com/news/opinion/times-commentary/story/2020/sep/06/weisbrot-whour-government-doing-labor/531611/ What is our government doing to labor?], [[w:Chattanooga Times Free Press|Times Free Press]], (6 September 2020)

* You will never hear me say a negative thing about Donald Trump. Me and Donald are cool. ... Donald will get my vote.
** [[Dana White]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/263033-ufc-chief-dana-white-endorses-trump &quot;UFC head Dana White endorses Trump&quot;] by Sylvan Lane, ''The Hill'' (12 December 2015)

* He will be a real American leader, who might not always be the best one from Europe's perspective but defends the interests of his own people. I wish we had political leaders like this in the Netherlands who defend their own country... and forget the rest.
** [[Geert Wilders]], on BNR radio, as quoted in [http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2016/07/93300-2/ &quot;Geert Wilders says the Netherlands needs a leader like Donald Trump&quot;] (18 July 2016), ''DutchNews.nl''.

* I'd vote for a bowling ball covered in dog shit and pubic hair before I vote for Trump.
** bestselling author {{W|Chuck Wendig}}, [http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2016/06/08/im-with-her/ &quot;I'm With Her&quot;], June 8, 2016

* The cost of appearing with a bloviating ignoramus is obvious, it seems to me. Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low and you can still intrude into American politics.
** [[George Will]] on {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-27
 | title = This Week
 | publisher = ABC
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2012-05-27
 | title = George Will Calls Donald Trump a ‘Bloviating Ignoramus'
 | first = Jake
 | last = Tapper
 | periodical = ABC News
 | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/george-will-calls-donald-trump-a-bloviating-ignoramus-on-this-week/
}}

*It has come to this. The GOP, formerly the party of Lincoln and ostensibly the party of liberty and limited government, is being defined by clamors for a mass roundup and deportation of millions of human beings. To will an end is to will the means for the end, so the Republican clamors are also for the requisite expansion of government's size and coercive powers... Trump evidently plans to deport almost 10 percent of California's workers, and 13 percent of that state's K–12 students. He is, however, at his most Republican when he honors family values: He proposes to deport intact families, including children who are citizens... Trump proposes seizing money that illegal immigrants from Mexico try to send home. This might involve sacrificing mail privacy, but desperate times require desperate measures. He would vastly enlarge the federal government's enforcement apparatus, but he who praises single-payer health care systems and favors vast eminent domain powers has never made a fetish of small government.
**George Will, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/422916/donald-trump-immigration-deportation-republicans &quot;Trump Should Have No Place in the Party of Liberty and Limited Government&quot;] (22 August 2015), ''National Review''

*If Donald Trump were a Democratic mole placed in the Republican Party to disrupt things, how would his behavior be any different? I don't think it would be.
**George Will, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35066940 &quot;Is Donald Trump a Democratic secret agent?&quot;] (11 December 2015), by Anthony Zurcher, ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation

* What you saw was the real Trump, unbound by facts, reason, logic, the law, or the Constitution
** Conservative campaign consultant Rick Wilson, commenting on a coronavirus press briefing [https://www.rawstory.com/2020/04/rick-wilson-trumps-press-conference-meltdown-was-a-manic-ragefest-by-americas-worst-president/ &quot;Rick Wilson: Trump’s press conference meltdown was a ‘manic ragefest by America’s Worst President’&quot;] (14 April 2020), ''Rawstory''

* Shortly after 8pm on Election Night, when the unexpected trend - Trump might actually win - seemed confirmed, Don Jr told a friend that his father, or DJT, as he calls him, looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears - and not of joy. There was, in the space of little more than an hour, in Steve Bannon's not unamused observation, a befuddled Trump morphing into a disbelieving Trump and then into a horrified Trump. But still to come was the final transformation: Suddenly, Donald Trump became a man who believed that he deserved to be, and was wholly capable of being, the president of the United States.
** p. 18
* Trump did not enjoy his own inauguration. He was angry that A-level stars had snubbed the event, disgruntled with the accommodations at Blair House, and visibly fighting with his wife, who seemed on the verge of tears. Throughout the day, he wore what some around him had taken to calling his golf face: angry and pissed off, shoulders hunched, arms swinging, brow furled, lips pursed.
* In pursuing a friend's wife, he would try to persuade the wife that her husband was perhaps not what she thought.
** p. 23
* Trump, in fact, found the White House to be vexing and even a little scary. He retreated to his own bedroom - the first time since the Kennedy White House that a presidential couple had maintained separate rooms. In the first days, he ordered two television screens in addition to the one already there, and a lock on the door, precipitating a brief standoff with the Secret Service, who insisted they have access to the room.
* She [Ivanka Trump] treated her father with a degree of detachment, even irony, going so far as to make fun of his comb-over to others. She often described the mechanics behind it to friends: an absolutely clean pate - a contained island after scalp-reduction -surgery - surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray. The color, she would point out to comical effect, was from a product called Just for Men - the longer it was left on, the darker it got. Impatience resulted in Trump's orange-blond hair color.
* [[Rupert Murdoch]], heretofore doubtlessly certain Trump was a charlatan and a fool, said he and his new wife, Jerry Hall, would pay a call on the president-elect. But Murdoch was late- quite late. Trump kept assuring his guests that Rupert was on his way, coming soon. When some of the guests made a move to leave, Trump cajoled them to stay a little longer. ''You'll want to stay to see Rupert''. (Or, one of the guests interpreted, you'll want to stay to see Trump with Rupert.) It was a matched set of odd reversals- an ironic symmetry. Trump, perhaps not yet appreciating the difference between becoming president and elevating his social standing, was trying mightily to curry favor with the previously disdainful media mogul. And Murdoch, finally arriving at the party he was in more than one way sorely late to, was as subdued and thrown as everyone else, and struggling to adjust his view of a man who, for more than a generation, had been at best a clown prince among the rich and famous.
** p. 20
* Murdoch suggested that taking a liberal approach to [[w:H-1B visas|H-1B visas]], which open America's doors to select immigrants, might be hard to square with his promises to build a wall and close the borders. But Trump seemed unconcerned, assuring Murdoch, 'We'll figure it out.' &quot;What a fucking idiot,&quot; said Murdoch, shrugging, as he got off the phone.
** p. 36
* The unique problem here was partly how to get information to someone who did not (or could not or would not) read, and who at best listened only selectively. But the other part of the problem was how best to qualify the information that he liked to get... The information he did not get was formal information. The data. The details. The options. The analysis. He didn't do PowerPoint. For anything that smacked of a classroom or of being lectured to- &quot;professor&quot; was one of his bad words, and he was proud of never going to class, never buying a textbook, never taking a note- he got up and left the room.
** p. 188
* The president liked generals. The more fruit salad they wore, the better. The president was very pleased with the compliments he got for appointing generals who commanded the respect that Mattis and [[John F. Kelly|Kelly]] and [[H. R. McMaster|McMaster]] were accorded (pay no attention to Michael Flynn). What the president did not like was ''listening'' to generals, who, for the most part, were skilled in the new Army jargon of PowerPoint, data dumps, McKinsey-like presentations. One of the things that endeared Flynn to the president was the fact that Flynn, quite the conspiracist and drama queen, had good storytelling sense.
** p. 188
** [[w:Michael_Wolff_(journalist)|Michael Wolff]], ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House'' (2018)

*Let's begin with [Trump's] the simplest assertion: we are doing &quot;great&quot; economically... over the last 20 years the United States has had a hard time achieving economic growth. The last year or two are slightly better...  because the government gave an enormous boost... not private capitalist corporations, the government gave... The [[w:Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017|2017 tax cut]]... gave corporations... hundreds of billions of dollars in taxes they don't have to pay anymore... and they mostly used it to increase salaries of executives... very good for the top one percent, but not for the rest of the American people.
*Chinese workers, the average amount of money they get adjusted for inflation, has quadrupled in the last 12, 15 years. What happened to the average wage in America, adjusted for inflation? It hardly budged... Excluding that from the conversation - prancing around as if the economy here is the envy of the world - that's not just nonsense. 
*...he spent more time... demonizing [[immigrants]] than on any other topic.... the United States is an economy of three hundred and twenty five million people; the number of [[w:Illegal immigration to the United States|undocumented immigrants in the United States is estimated between 10 and 12 million [~3.4]%]] ...Focusing on immigrants is pure scapegoating; it's focusing people on something that doesn't matter because you don't want them to focus on what does matter.
**[[Richard Wolffe]] in [https://www.rdwolff.com/prof_wolff_on_sotu '''''Wolff responds to Trump's &quot;State of the Union&quot; address,'''''] (6 February 2019)

* I still call myself a [[conservative]], but only in full knowledge that there is a blot on the escutcheon, and many a writer who claims that title is an open [[treason|traitor]] to all I in truth uphold and he in word only. Because, honestly, a conservative who opposes Trump on the grounds of [[ideal]]s, despite what this administration has already done in deregulating and defanging the [[bureaucracy]], reversing foreign policy mistakes, and appointing originalist judges, falls into the same error of being a [[cult]]ist and not a political thinker.
** [[John C. Wright]], [http://www.scifiwright.com/2017/06/objectivism-and-alt-right/ &quot;Objectivism and Alt-Right&quot;] (2017)

=== Y ===
* He's the classic demagogue described well in the [[The Federalist|Federalist Papers]] that our system is designed to stop.
** {{W|John Yoo}}, [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/analysis-vengeful-world-donald-trump-why-it-matters-n671721 Analysis: the Vengeful World of Donald Trump and Why It Matters], at NBC News, published October 31, 2016
* Donald Trump is also a coward. For all of his tough talk and bluster, the president of the United States is a punk ass bitch. And this has also been apparent for as long as we've known who he is. 
* He slipped out of draft duty because of ... bone spurs. Bone spurs don't even get you on the NFL injury report, but he used it to stay the fuck away from actually having to fight. We know his history of bullying and insulting women. And, since he's been in office, we've seen him cower to Kim Jong Un and literally get Deeboed by Vladimir Putin — two men who, for all of their faults, would definitely whoop Trump's ass. 
* We've had racist presidents before. We've had malignant misogynists in office before. But never has our president been such a fucking wimp.
** Damon Young, [https://verysmartbrothas.theroot.com/just-remember-that-your-punk-ass-president-would-never-1828105410 Just Remember That Your Punk-Ass President Would Never, Ever, Ever Call LeBron James Dumb to His Face], in {{W|The Root (magazine)|The Root}}, published August 4, 2018.

=== Z ===
*Donald Trump would be an awesome GOP nominee if he was remotely conservative, suited to beat Hillary, or had the temperament of a good POTUS.
**John Ziegler, [https://twitter.com/Zigmanfreud/status/697866127163043841 ''Twitter'' post] (February 2016)

* His decision to use his platform to condone rather than condemn the actions of his supporters at the Capitol building has rightly disturbed people in the US and around the world. We removed these statements yesterday because we judged that their effect — and likely their intent — would be to provoke further violence.
* We believe the risks of allowing the President to continue to use our service during this period are simply too great. Therefore, we are extending the block we have placed on his Facebook and Instagram accounts indefinitely and for at least the next two weeks until the peaceful transition of power is complete.
** [[Mark Zuckerberg]], CEO Facebook, quoted in [https://techcrunch.com/2021/01/07/mark-zuckerberg-announces-trump-banned-from-facebook-and-instagram-for-at-least-the-next-two-weeks/ &quot;Mark Zuckerberg announces Trump banned from facebook and instagram for 'at least the next two weeks'&quot;] (January 7 2021) &lt;i&gt; Tech Crunch &lt;/i&gt;

*Could Donald Trump be a secret double-agent, sent by Democrats to destroy their party from within? Former Florida governor Jeb Bush, who has borne the brunt of more than a few Trump barbs, seems to think there's a possibility... He's belittling his Republican colleagues. He's pulling the party to the nativist right in direct conflict with the goal set by strategists in 2013 to appeal to a more ethnically diverse nation. And he's generally sucking up all the political oxygen, making it harder for other candidates to get their message out. All in all, many experts say he's making it much more difficult for a Republican to win the general election next fall. Maybe he's doing it on purpose... But as the saying goes, even paranoids have enemies. And, at least for the moment, there are some Republicans who see Donald Trump much more of an enemy than a friend.
**Anthony Zurcher, [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35066940 &quot;Is Donald Trump a Democratic secret agent?&quot;] (11 December 2015), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation

*Trump has forged a coalition between the workers and the patriotic elite. I strongly believe in the coalition that has brought Trump together. Just like Boris Johnson. That, I think, is the political axis of the future.
** [https://nos.nl/nieuwsuur/artikel/2402214-hoe-de-franse-trump-eric-zemmour-de-politiek-op-zijn-kop-zet How the 'French Trump' Éric Zemmour is turning politics upside down.]

==See also==
* [[Donald Trump on social media]]
* [[Donald Trump Jr.]]
* [[Impeachment of Donald Trump]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Presidency of Donald Trump]]
* [[Racial views of Donald Trump]]
* [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections]]
* [[2020 United States presidential election]]

== External links==
{{Sister project links|w=Donald Trump|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Donald Trump|commons=Donald Trump|n=Donald Trump|v=no|species=no|d=Q22686|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}}
* [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ Official website]
* [https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/06/23/opinion/trumps-lies.html &quot;Trump's Lies&quot;] by [[w:David Leonhardt|David Leonhardt]] and Stuart A. Thompson - a catalog of &quot;nearly every outright lie he has told publicly&quot; in his first five months in office, in ''{{w|The New York Times}}''  (23 June 2017)

{{Authority control}}

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==Unsourced==
*In twelve years from now, you will not recognize Berlin.
**c. 1933

* ... equally tradition-minded, and then 
		these two institutions together will 
		educate and strengthen the German Man and 
		carry on their shoulders the German State, 
		the German Reich! ...
Triumph of the will (1934)
* ''Gebt mir zehn Jahre Zeit, und ihr werdet Deutschland nicht wiedererkennen!''
** Give me ten years, and you will not recognise Germany. (1933) 

* ''Brennt Paris?!''
** Is Paris burning?!
**Asking [[w:Dietrich von Choltitz|Dietrich von Choltitz]] who was in command of Paris until its recapture, if he had set the city on fire, an order the general refused. (August 1944)

* All you have to do is kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will crumble to the ground.
**Statement in planning the invasion of the Soviet Union. Alluding to how well he expected [[w:Operation Barbarossa|Operation Barbarossa]] to go.

*Anybody who sees and paints a sky green and pastures blue ought to be sterilized.
* COMMON GOOD BEFORE INDIVIDUAL GOOD
** The Programme Of The N.S.D.A.P. : The 25 Points

* I have thus prevented my [[w:Catholic|Catholic]] and [[w:Protestant|Protestant]] supporters from forming groups against one another, and inadvertently knocking each other out with the Bible. So we never became involved with these churches' forms of worship.

* I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards, whether he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right that matters but victory. Close your hearts to pity. Act brutally, eighty million people must obtain what is their right. Their existence must be made secure. The strongest man is right.

* One cannot rule by force alone... it is equally important to have this psychological something... They must be convinced that we are the victors.
**on the occupation of eastern Europe


* Secular schools can never be tolerated because such schools have no religious instruction, and a general moral instruction without a religious foundation is built on air; consequently, all character training and religion must be derived from faith.

* The Arabian Freedom Movement in the Middle East is our natural ally... In this connection special importance is attached to the liberation of Iraq...
** Motive for supporting a 1941 coup in Baghdad

* The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to permit the conquered Eastern peoples to have arms. History teaches that all conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have prepared their own downfall by doing so.

* Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live.

* We stand for the maintenance of private property... We shall protect free enterprise as the most expedient, or rather the sole possible economic order.

* It is a great pity that this tendency towards religious thought can find no better outlet than the Jewish pettifoggery of the Old Testament, for a religious Folk who, in the solitude of winter, continually seek ultimate light on their religious problems with the assistance of the Bible, must eventually become spiritually deformed. The wretched Folk strive to extract truths from these Jewish chicaneries, where in fact no truths exist. As a result they become embedded in some rut of thought and, unless they possess an exceptionally commonsense mind, degenerate into religious maniacs.

* We shall see to it that the churches cannot spread abroad teachings in conflict with the interests of the State. We shall continue to preach the doctrine of [[w:National Socialism|National Socialism]], and the young will no longer be taught anything but the truth.

* What is this God Who takes pleasure only in seeing men grovel before Him? Try to picture to yourselves the meaning of the following, quite simple story: God creates the conditions for sin. Later on He succeeds, with the help of the Devil, in causing man to sin. Then He employs a virgin to bring into the world a Son who, by His death, will redeem humanity!

* It is through the peasantry that we shall really be able to destroy Christianity, because there is in them a true religion rooted in nature and blood.

* You see, its been our misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't we have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? The Muslim religion too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness? (Quoted by Albert Speer, Inside the Third Reich, pg. 115)

* It seems to me that nothing would be more foolish than to reestablish the worship of [[w:Wotan|Wotan]]. Our old mythology had ceased to be viable when Christianity implanted itself. Nothing dies unless it is moribund. At that period the ancient world was divided between the systems of philosophy and the worship of idols. It is not desirable that the whole of humanity should be stultified— and the only way of getting rid of Christianity is to allow it to die little by little.

* The priests of antiquity were closer to nature, and they sought modestly for the meaning of things. Instead of that, Christianity promulgates its inconsistent dogmas and imposes them by force.

* The man who lives in communion with nature necessarily finds himself in opposition to the Churches. And that is why they are heading for ruin - for science is bound to win.

* When all is said, we have no reason to wish that the Italians and Spaniards should free themselves from the drug of Christianity. Let us be the only Folk who are immunized against the disease.

* Christianity is the worst of the regressions that mankind can ever have undergone, and it is the Jew who, thanks to this diabolic invention, has thrown him back fifteen centuries. The only thing that would be still worse would be victory for the Jew through Bolshevism. If Bolshevism triumphed, mankind would lose the gift of laughter and joy. It would become merely a shapeless mass, doomed to grayness and despair.

* The Christian religion tries to get out of it by explaining that one must attach a symbolic value to the images of [[w:Holy Writ|Holy Writ]]. Any man who made the same claim four hundred years ago would have ended his career at the stake, with an accompaniment of [[w:Hosanna|Hosanna]]s. By joining in the game of tolerance, religion has won back ground by comparison with bygone centuries.
**Referring to inconsistancies between scientific and traditional Christian dogma.

* What luck for rulers that men do not think.

* Generals think war should be waged like the tourneys of the Middle Ages. I have no use for knights. I need revolutionaries.

:: If it's unsourced, assume that those are phoney quotes. If it's not in handwriting or speech recording, assume that there will be problems, too. There is a real inflation of &quot;quotes&quot; what Hitler did supposedly say. --[[Special:Contributions/41.151.93.7|41.151.93.7]] 13:36, 23 June 2012 (UTC)

==&quot;Not come into the world to make men better... ==
With regards to the following quote &quot; I have not come into this world to make men better, but to make use of their weaknesses. &quot; the source is in an essay ''The Mind of Hitler'' by H.R. Trevor-Roper but his is not an original source. 
Therefore not verfied. [[User:Andries|Andries]] 14:44, 16 May 2004 (UTC)

The paragraph presented here is from a translation by &quot;Abbots Langley, February, 1939&quot;. (spaces missing at places because of conversion)

''But it remained for the Jews, with their unqualified capacity for falsehood, and their fighting comrades, the Marxists, to impute responsibility for the downfall precisely to the man who alone had shown a superhuman will and energy in his effort to prevent the catastrophe which he had foreseen and to save the nation from that hour of complete overthrow and shame. By placing responsibility for the loss of the world war on the shoulders of Ludendorff they took away the weapon of moral right from the only adversary dangerous enough to be likely to succeed in bringing the betrayers of the Fatherland to Justice. All this was inspired by the principle - which is quite true in itself - '''that in the big lie there is always a certain force of credibility; because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.''' Even though the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their minds, they willstill doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use falsehood for the basest purposes. From time immemorial. however, the Jews have known better than any others how falsehood and calumny can be exploited. Is not their very existence founded on one great lie, namely, that they are a religious community, whereas in reality they are a race? And what a race! One of the greatest thinkers that mankind has produced has branded the Jews for all time with a statement which is profoundly and exactly true. He (Schopenhauer) called the Jew &quot;The Great Master of Lies&quot;. Those who do not realize the truth of that statement, or do not wish to believe it, will never be able to lend a hand in helping Truth to prevail.''

This was badly quoted out of context: Instead of inventing the &quot;big lie&quot; himself, Hitler accuses the Jews and Marxist for the use of it. I've modified the quote in article to reflect this.

I feel the latter version is a superiour translation (and the source is mentioned):

No amount of genius spent on the creation of propaganda will lead to success if a fundamental principle is not forever kept in mind. Propaganda must confine itself to very few points, and repeat them endlessly. Here, as with so many things in this world, persistence is the first and foremost condition of success. 

-&gt; No matter what an amount of talent employed in the organization of propaganda, it will have no result if due account is not taken of these fundamental principles. Propaganda must be limited to a few simple themes and these must be represented again and again. Here, as in innumerable other cases, perseverance is the first and most important condition of success.''

== Quote Regarding War and Jews ==
There's a quote by Hitler which goes something like,&quot;I want the rats in the gutters of Berlin to taste the blood of the Jews&quot;. Does anyone know if it's real or not and if yes can you please share the source and exact quote??
Thanks

I belive there is a quote from Hitler telling something like &quot;If the Jews cause another war, that war will be the end of their race&quot;. Does anyone know the source, and the exact quote? Thank you --[[w:en:User:AstroNomer]]
i personally found no such existence of that quote...

i heard about a quote sayiing : &quot;i would have killed all the jews of the world, but i kept some to show the world why i killed them&quot;, any one know the source of this ?

:I thought he said that openly in the [[w:Reichstag_%28institution%29]]. [[User:Andries|Andries]] 17:31, 7 Sep 2004 (UTC)

The quote is from a January 1939 address to the Reichstag. &quot;If The Jews succeed in touching off another war, the result will not be the Bolshevization of Europe, and therefore victory for the Jews, but rather the result will be the destruction of the Jewish race in Europe.&quot;
:: He did say something substantially different, although the last version comes a bit closer to the truth. Hint: It had something to do with *international finance Jewry&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/41.151.93.7|41.151.93.7]] 13:10, 23 June 2012 (UT

The reichstag quote is largely  accurate in semantics.This &quot;say something substantially different&quot; claim above  gives a misleading impression the original quote has been distorted and hence dubious in origin. but in essence the shorter quote hardly, if only slightly  differs in meaning, from the original longer quote from Hitler.One can read the longer quote and there wont be much change in what he wanted to say. 

[Removed irrelevant comments from a holocaust denier.]

== Bold Writing ==

Is there a reason why all quotes to do with America are highlighted in bold. Does this somehow suggest that the quotes concerning America are '''somehow''' more important. If so, are you trying to be as nationalistic as the subject? If there is another reason, please do tell ~ [[User:Leto|Leto]]

: I think one of them might have been highlighted as irony, with the doomed Hitler talking of America as doomed... without much future, and the other seems to have been highlighted by someone who may have wished to mitigate the loss of Hitler to the Americans. I removed both instances, as not particularly important passages over all. I do believe people should have the oppurtunity to bold passages that are famous, or that they find significant, but other people have the right to dispute such selections. There seems to have been only a few disputes here thus far, some ending with bolding removed, and some with it retained. Doing a bit of research, on the accuracy of some of these quotes, I also found a few quotes that I will probably add today or tommorow, after checking up on things a bit more. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] 22:06, 27 Nov 2004 (UTC)

I agree that significant or thought provoking quotes should be highlighted, I just felt that these quotes seemed rather insignificant and therefore pointless in putting them in bold. Thankyou for clearing that up [[User:Leto|Leto]] 28 Nov 2004

Taking excerpts out of context from Mein Kampf and highlighting parts of them to create an artificial emphasis is the equivelent asserting or trying to insert a POV. It is kind of ironic one of the quotes states: &quot;The Jew can take the credit for having corrupted the Graeco-Roman world. Previously words were used to express thoughts; he used words to invent the art of disguising thoughts. Lies are his strength, his weapon in the struggle.&quot;  So why is it necessary to add anything at all to the article for emphasis? why do we need to bold certain quotations or parts of quotations? Why do we need a stupid newspaper article at the bottom with the headline &quot;Hitler is dead&quot; and with a sentence from Mein Kampf taken completely out of its respective context, which was actually discussing political theory and philosophy in chapter 8. Has the author(s) of this article read Mein Kampf or did they just google for poorly translated excerpts. In theory anyone could comb through Mein Kampf and pick out pieces to suggest a certain viewpoint or mentality, that hardly helps anyone gain a real perspective. It also does not look very good for the author of this article, whom apparently is too lazy to even read Mein Kampf since there are a bunch of quotes which are classified as &quot;not yet placed by chapter.&quot; It is certainly amusing how people go to such lengths to disguise their agenda in writing an article such as this, and fail so completely in doing so.
--[[User:Nazrac|Nazrac]] 00:51, 7 August 2006 (UTC)

== Poem by Hitler?==
Someone posted words to a poem attributed to Hitler. The presence of this poem on the internet seems to be restricted primarily to a few Nazi sites, and thus how old it actually is, and whether it was written by Hitler remains very questionable. The posting that seems to be the earliest one that I have thus far found indicates that it was posted for Mother's Day, [http://www.zundelsite.org/english/zgrams/zg1998/zg9805/980510.html May 10th, 1998] at the notoriously pro-Nazi, holocaust denying website, Zundelsite.org, run by Ernst Zündel and his wife Ingrid Rimland.. The next year  [http://www.zundelsite.org/english/zgrams/zg1999/zg9905/990509.html a posting of May 9, 1999] includes what is purported to be the original German of Hitler: 

:Wenn Deine Mutter alt geworden
: und älter Du geworden bist,
: Wenn ihr, -was früher leicht und mühelos,
: nunmehr zur Last geworden ist,
:Wenn ihre lieben, treuen Augen
: nicht mehr, wie einst, in's Leben sehn,
:Wenn ihre müdgeword'nen Füsse
: sie nicht mehr tragen woll'n beim Steh'n,

:Dann reiche ihr den Arm zur Stütze,
: geleit sie sacht, mit Freud' und Lust!
:Die Stunde kommt, da Du sie weinend
: zum letzten Gang begleiten musst.

:Und fragt sie Dich, so gib ihr Antwort,
: undfragt sie wieder, hör ihr zu!
:Und fragt sie nochmals, steh ihr Rede,
: nicht ungestüm, in sanfter Ruh!
:Und kann sie Dich nicht recht verstehn,
: erklär ihr alles frohbewegt!
: Die Stunde kommt, die bittre Stunde,
: da Dich ihr Mund nach nichts mehr frägt!

* [http://www.aryanunity.com/ahpoem2.html  Posting of a translation] at Aryan Unity

If it is indeed genuine, any advocacy Hitler may have made for people to display more affection for their own mothers does not erase the fact that he is, and must  forever be primarily remembered as someone whose actions and will sent many millions of mothers and daughters and sons to die in the concentration camps and the gas chambers of his &quot;Final Solution&quot;, and in the general horrors and madness of war which his ambitions initiated. The Jewish people were certainly among the primary victims of his bigotries, but not his only ones, and in assessing him, the capacities for inhuman indifference and cruelty that he exhibited, far outweighs any of the humane impulses he might have had, and payed far too little attention to manifesting.

In relation to his words I think that far more people would be inclined to mock at the levels of his hypocrisy than be swayed to much sympathy by his capacities for tender words abut people's mothers. 

I believe this quote should stay, but until earlier sources can be determined I will make a note on the earliest sources that I have yet found, and keep it among the sourced quotes, but until earlier sources can be found, the claim for its authenticity should remain extremely suspect. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] 16:21, 30 Dec 2004 (UTC)

Such a horrible individual is he, who obstains from quoting Hitler in such a way that it portrays him as as the typical cartoon super villain. FOR SHAME! We can't have any quotes that might dispel the idea that he was a ranting psychopath tyrant now can we. The complaint seems to be &quot;that poem portrays Hitler as too human even it was written by him&quot; which very transparently reflects a POV. --[[User:Nazrac|Nazrac]] 01:05, 7 August 2006 (UTC)

I first read this quote in John Toland's &quot;Adolf Hitler&quot;, published in 1976. Don't know if this helps any.

:: According to Robert George Leeson Waite in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=hW-7N2TAca0C&amp;pg=PA141&amp;lpg=PA141&amp;dq=%22when+your+mother+has+grown+old%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=xJJ174vxe4&amp;sig=oQEyOYTd3-93r0v7tZlUgnaWzUI#PPA142,M1 The Psychopathic God: Adolf Hitler]'' (1993) this poem first appeared in the ''Sonntag-Morgenpost'' on 14 May 1933. [[User:Ed Fitzgerald|Ed Fitzgerald]] 09:30, 27 October 2007 (UTC)

This poem is not by Hitler, but by Georg Runschke and appeared in 1906. Only imbecile Anglo-Saxon Neonazis like Trump could believe this crap is from Hitler!

== Overhaul coming up ==

I am in the process of overhauling this entry in WordPad. 

I am moving the Mein Kampf quotes into subsections based on their theme; when there are more quotes from Mein Kampf to justify a separate subsection, this should be done. 

Also, some of the quotes in the Sourced section give no source; therefore, they are being moved to the Attributed section. 

The poem is going to be moved to the Attributed section; it has no &quot;source&quot;, as admitted in the above Talk, and therefore cannot justifiably remain under the Sourced heading. A source is an origin; until it can be verified that this poem came from Hitler's hand, it must regarded as it is: an attribution.

I shall put Hitler's alleged last words in its own section. Once more, there is no source given, however; therefore, a note will be added saying as much.

--[[User:Bennmorland|Benn M]] 05:08, 19 Jun 2005 (UTC)

== Return to standard layout ==

The page needs a bit more work, and double checking, but I have spent a great deal of time on it today, and have done about as much as I can for now. I will double check to see that I didn't lose any quotes accidentally. In my recent edits I deliberately have removed one quote as I can find no citation of this from any reputable source... and the words are far more familiar as those of [[Jim Morrison]]:

* When the music's over, turn out the lights.
** Alleged last statement before his suicide in 1945

I believe that Kurt Vonnegut, in a satirical story, once declared Hitler's last words were &quot;BINGO!&quot; — and it seems that it might be only slightly less accurate than these.  

Intending at first merely to add an image here, I decided to do a massive revert of a massive &quot;overhaul&quot; that occurred some months ago on this page. Against the previously severe case of &quot;categoritis&quot; whicn OBLITERATED it, I restored this to STANDARD formatting: '''Chronological''' ordering of sourced quotes, and chronological sections within it for any source with enough quotes to merit a section, followed by attributed quotes (primarily alphabetically - to help minimize duplications). There are all manner of quotes that could fit into a wide array of categories... '''keeping things simple as possible is far more important than accommodating any editor's urges to ''classify'' things into section topics — often into ''very'' arbitrary categories''', which thoroughly mixes the most clearly sourced quotes with the most dubious, and sometimes with only one quote to a section.  ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 23:15, 6 November 2005 (UTC)

== Table Talk  ==

Can anbody providemore reasonable evidence regarding the reliability (or not)
of 'Hitler's Table Talk'?as the source that has been given doesnt convince me.
I'm not necessarily saying that its wrong exactly, just that it would be better
to have a more scholarly source if certain quotes are going to be deemed 
apocryphal on the strength of it's argument.
--[[User:Ruby Tuesday|Ruby Tuesday]] 23:14, 16 December 2005 (UTC)

The only sources that i've been able to find that supports the view that Table Talk is unreliable (including those given by the linked article) are either neo-nazis or militant atheists trying to prove that Hitler was some sort of christian fundamentalist, neither of which i would regard as reliable sources.  Unless someone can cite a respected scholar who can confirm that they are not reliable quotes i dont see any reason why they should continue to be labelled as such.
--[[User:84.65.205.148|84.65.205.148]] 18:21, 18 December 2005 (UTC)

Distinguished historian Hugh Trever-Roper seems to plump for the reliability of Hitler's Table Talk in the preface. --[[Special:Contributions/174.20.135.141|174.20.135.141]] 10:30, 5 October 2010 (UTC)

~~Considering Richard Carrier's schizophrenic interpretation that Jesus must not be historical (though I certainly don't believe everything in the gospels as an atheist) because there are a few other gods who died in mythology and because the Roman's weren't interested enough in him to spend volumes talking about him (surprise - Romans don't care about vagrant Jews whom they execute), I think it would be prudent to find more than Dr. Carrier's assertion that the Table Talks are incorrect.  There are millions of people in the world who speak German and Dr. Carrier is the only one capable of viewing these as incorrectly translated?  I do not speak German so I have trouble properly understanding the veracity of the table talks.  Even the New York Times cites documents from Nuremberg that outline Hitler's hostility towards Christianity (http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/13/weekinreview/word-for-word-case-against-nazis-hitler-s-forces-planned-destroy-german.html?pagewanted=all&amp;src=pm) and anyone who has read the Bible, particularly the works of Jesus, but also the works of Paul, would expect fully that someone like Hitler would, no matter what he said, have nothing but contempt for those ideologies.  Is Dr. Carrier a reliable source?  He has, on numerous occasions, subverted academic integrity to push agendas - whereas I am sympathetic towards him as an atheist as I am also an atheist - I do not believe that atheism calls for agenda driven revisionist history any more than Christianity calls for it.

Let's be absolutely clear: Dr. Carrier is accusing the world of a large-scale coverup regarding Hitler's religious beliefs.  The inferential consequence is that these documents, also, must be fakes: http://org.law.rutgers.edu/publications/law-religion/nurinst1.shtml  I have read the Bible, so, even as an atheist I don't find much of the Reich's actions to be in accordance with the dogma present therein, as I, similarly, do not believe many churches in America to be in accordance with the dogma.  To me, Hitler's religion is a non-issue in that respect because I don't view it as reflecting what it regarded as the cannon.  Simply because it may be beneficial to a small group, like atheists, to cast Hitler as a zealous fundamentalist Christian, does not mean that Dr. Carrier's one article, uncorroborated by other academics, is sufficient to dismiss what there should be millions of people on hand capable of verifying - that the Table Talks are correctly translated.  [[User:Bloomingdedalus|Bloomingdedalus]] ([[User talk:Bloomingdedalus|talk]]) 16:15, 28 December 2013 (UTC)

==Triumph of the Will==

FYI I put up a page for ''[[Triumph of the Will]]'' in which Hitler has quite a few memorable quotes (including the infamous &quot;Thousand Year Reich&quot;).  I haven't had time to rewatch the film (I got the lines off of IMDB) so I won't post them here yet.  [[User:Palm dogg|Palm dogg]] 20:24, 25 December 2005 (UTC)


== anti-christian quotes ==

I've made some alterations to this section; i've added a few new quotes as well as some dates for them, and have deleted the section referring to alleged unreliability of Hitler's Table Talk, as i've not been able to find any credible source that supported it, and noone replied to my request for such a source (in 'Table Talk' section) 
--[[User:Ruby Tuesday|Ruby Tuesday]] 23:50, 6 January 2006 (UTC)

Let me get this straight, you haven't found any reliable sources that state &quot;Table Talk&quot; is an unreliable source? Using that confused form of logic, I might publish a book that quotes your mother as stating you were born a club-footed hermaphrodite. Since there aren't any reliable sources published that indicate the statements are false, we should all assume it is completely true word for word.
--[[User:Nazrac|Nazrac]] 01:14, 7 August 2006 (UTC)

I haven't a clue what your point is.  The 'anti-christian' section previously had a disclaimer stating that historians regarded these quotes from Table Talk and Hermann Rauschning's book to have been fakes. I found evidence against the reliability of Rauschning's work, and also a quote from a respectable historian (Ian Kershaw), which I included in the article.  However, I was unable to find any evidence that 'Table Talk' was an unreliable source, or any historian who thinks it is, and when I asked if anyone had a credible source that showed that it was unreliable, i received no reply. Therefore, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, i see no reason why any doubt should be cast on the accuracy of the source. if you have or know of any evidence that shows that Table Talk is unreliable then I would be happy to see it however.--[[User:Ruby Tuesday|Ruby Tuesday]] 13:39, 17 August 2006 (UTC)

== Restoring info and adding links ==

I restored sourcing information that was erased on a couple of speeches, along with links to the full texts. 
That these speeches had been linked to a site named &quot;hitler.org&quot; which might make dubious claims of neutrality upon the subject of Hitler, does not ''automatically'' make the documents themselves more &quot;dubious&quot; than their postings at other sites such as &quot;humanitas-international.org&quot; where they are included with the assertion that &quot;Adolf Hitler convicted himself with his own words. These speechs taken from throughout his long career show the depth of his obsession and the power of self delusion.&quot; In neither case should they automatically be presumed to be either genuine or false, and in any case the indicated dates and locations of the speeches should not be erased, unless proven inaccurate. I have also added a set of external links that includes links to both these sites, as well as others.  ~ [[User:Rumour|Rumour]] 09:23, 1 April 2006 (UTC)

== The Political Testament of Adolf Hitler (1945) - Fake? ==

According this the so called Political Testament of Adolf Hitler quoted is a fake.
http://www.asiafinest.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=20756&amp;st=20

This quote comes from Hitler's political testament, but this document is a fake. Francois Genoud admitted to faking it. This is not to be confused with Hitler's last political will and testament which is real and was signed by Goebbels, Burgdorf, Bormann, and Krebbs. These are two different documents. The political testament surfaced in France in 1959 and was used for Hitler's Table Talk but it was always considered dubious by some historians. In the 1970's Genoud finally admitted that it was phony.

You have to remember that Hitler's view of the Chinese was colored by the fact that he did actually regard them as an inferior race. He was not of course as fanatical a racist as Himmler was but he was one nonetheless. The Third Reich was based on a racist ideology, this is how Hitler ran his Reich. He claimed that the only newspaper that he enjoyed reading from front to back was Der Stuermer the most racist paper in Nazi Germany. Racial sciences entered the school curriculums so that even small school children could be made aware of their racial superiority early on. So where did the Chinese stand in this Nazi racial hierarchy? According to Nazi educational propaganda films, which were all personally approved by Hitler, the Orientals were one of the inferior races from which the Jewish race developed. Nazi ideology taught that the Jews are a bastardization of Orientals, Negroes, and Hamitic races. Hitler also personally referred to them as &quot;Mongolid half-apes&quot;. Now of course he didn't hate the Chinese, he just saw them as being inferior. Look at the features that Nazi ideology glorified: tall stature, caucasian with fair skin, long sharp and angular facial features, blonde hair, large striking blue eyes. These features were so glorified that the Nazis actually &quot;Germanized&quot; Polish and Czech children that had these features. Since Nazi ideology was based so much on race and features, in their view the Chinese features were almost completely opposite of those which were glorified as superior: Non-Caucasian, short stature, round and flat facial features, dark hair, dark/yellowish skin, and dark eyes.


Seems reasonable to me.
: {{unsigned|58.167.64.91}}

*&quot;You have to remember that Hitler's view of the Chinese was colored by the fact that he did actually regard them as an inferior race.&quot; (not completely true) Hitler regarded them as Honorary Aryans as well as the Japanese, He even photographed publicly wearing a Kimono.
{{unsigned|100.12.250.132}} 


Hi, I've not come across this before.  It's interesting, but I don't think it's a reliable enough source to be the basis for any changes to this page.--[[User:Ruby Tuesday|Ruby Tuesday]] 23:18, 10 April 2006 (UTC)

Hitler did not try to &quot;Germanize Poles and Czechs&quot; but rather return ethnic Germans who were inhabiting the German sudetenland and the Danzig corridor region which was territory stripped from Germany by the treaty of Versailles during the fallout immediately after World War I. In Mein Kampf he actually explicitly states, with regards to the idea of &quot;Germanization&quot;

During the last century it was lamentable for those who had to witness it, to notice how in these circles I have just mentioned the word 'Germanize' was frivolously played with, though the practice was often well intended. I well remember how in the days of my youth this very term used to give rise to notions which were false to an incredible degree. Even in Pan-German circles one heard the opinion expressed that the Austrian Germans might very well succeed in Germanizing the Austrian Slavs, if only the Government would be ready to co-operate. Those people did not understand that a policy of Germanization can be carried out only as regards human beings. What they mostly meant by Germanization was a process of forcing other people to speak the German language. But it is almost inconceivable how such a mistake could be made as to think that a Negro or a Chinaman will become a German because he has learned the German language and is willing to speak German for the future, and even to cast his vote for a German political party. Our bourgeois nationalists could never clearly see that such a process of Germanization is in reality de-Germanization; for even if all the outstanding and visible differences between the various peoples could be bridged over and finally wiped out by the use of a common language, that would produce a process of bastardization which in this case would not signify Germanization but the annihilation of the German element. In the course of history it has happened only too often that a conquering race succeeded by external force in compelling the people whom they subjected to speak the tongue of the conqueror and that after a thousand years their language was spoken by another people and that thus the conqueror finally turned out to be the conquered. 
What makes a people or, to be more correct, a race, is not language but blood. Therefore it would be justifiable to speak of Germanization only if that process could change the blood of the people who would be subjected to it, which is obviously impossible. A change would be possible only by a mixture of blood, but in this case the quality of the superior race would be debased. The final result of such a mixture would be that precisely those qualities would be destroyed which had enabled the conquering race to achieve victory over an inferior people. It is especially the cultural creativeness which disappears when a superior race intermixes with an inferior one, even though the resultant mongrel race should excel a thousandfold in speaking the language of the race that once had been superior. For a certain time there will be a conflict between the different mentalities, and it may be that a nation which is in a state of progressive degeneration will at the last moment rally its cultural creative power and once again produce striking examples of that power. But these results are due only to the activity of elements that have remained over from the superior race or hybrids of the first crossing in whom the superior blood has remained dominant and seeks to assert itself. But this will never happen with the final descendants of such hybrids. These are always in a state of cultural retrogression. 
We must consider it as fortunate that a Germanization of Austria according to the plan of Joseph II did not succeed. Probably the result would have been that the Austrian State would have been able to survive, but at the same time participation in the use of a common language would have debased the racial quality of the German element. In the course of centuries a certain herd instinct might have been developed but the herd itself would have deteriorated in quality. A national State might have arisen, but a people who had been culturally creative would have disappeared. 
For the German nation it was better that this process of intermixture did not take place, although it was not renounced for any high-minded reasons but simply through the short-sighted pettiness of the Habsburgs. If it had taken place the German people could not now be looked upon as a cultural factor. 
Not only in Austria, however, but also in the Reich, these so-called national circles were, and still are, under the influence of similar erroneous ideas. Unfortunately, a policy towards Poland, whereby the East was to be Germanized, was demanded by many and was based on the same false reasoning. Here again it was believed that the Polish people could be Germanized by being compelled to use the German language. The result would have been fatal. A people of foreign race would have had to use the German language to express modes of thought that were foreign to the German, thus compromising by its own inferiority the dignity and nobility of our nation. 
It is revolting to think how much damage is indirectly done to German prestige today through the fact that the German patois of the Jews when they enter the United States enables them to be classed as Germans, because many Americans are quite ignorant of German conditions. Among us, nobody would think of taking these unhygienic immigrants from the East for members of the German race and nation merely because they mostly speak German.
--[[User:Nazrac|Nazrac]] 01:32, 7 August 2006 (UTC)


François Genoud NEVER said that the Testament was a fake. Only [[David Irving]] said that. Practically all historians consider it to be real.  Pierre Pean in his biograpy of François Genoud in 1996 said that the Testament was real. This document is cited by a lot of historians in recent works about Hitler (see ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' (1991) by [[John Toland]], ''Inside Hitler's Bunker: The Last Days of the Third Reich'' (2005) by [[Joachim Fest]], ''Masters of Death: The SS-Einsatzgruppen and the Invention of the Holocaust'' (2002) by [[Richard Rhodes]], ''Last Battle: The Classic History of the Battle for Berlin'' by [[Cornelius Ryan]] etc). As John Toland says in his Hitler's biography (p.862), &quot;...in 1959, these revealing statements, each page authenticated by Bormann's signature were finally published under the title ''The Testament of Adolph Hitler, the Hitler-Bormann Documents.&quot;--[[Special:Contributions/90.41.32.193|90.41.32.193]] 22:21, 26 November 2007 (UTC)

==Are there any actual Hitler quotes?==

Or any evidence whatsoever pointing towards Hitler being a Christian other than public or Paramilitary speeches or Mein Kampf (which we can discount for obvious reasons)?


None as far as I can tell, because he wasn't.  Just have a look at the anti-christian section to see his views on it.--[[User:Ruby Tuesday|Ruby Tuesday]] 18:02, 29 June 2006 (UTC)

Why is there such an effort being made to portray Hitler as anti-christian? The fact is there are as many positive statements about Christianity out there as there are negative. The difference seems to be most or all of the negative statements are sourced from people who claim to have been present when Hitler said them, there aren't any truely verifiable sources.
--[[User:Nazrac|Nazrac]] 01:36, 7 August 2006 (UTC)

Well, I suppose that if Christans want Hitler they can have him. Dawkins will be relived that he has only one evil atheist guy with a mustache to criticise and be relived he can blame the holocaust on religion too.

== Cleanup needed ==

I will attempt to clean this article up a bit more sometime in the next week or so; there has been much disjointed editing and formating, with some loss and disorganized additions. I removed one recent addition that seems that it might be a paraphrase based upon some statements rather than a quote: &quot;If you win you dont need to explain, and if you loose you are not there to explain.&quot; There were no occurrences of it other than on Wikiquote on a Google search I did. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 14:47, 13 September 2006 (UTC)

== Bad taste ==

I find improper the association of Paula Hitler's quote (&quot;I would have preferred it if he'd followed his original ambition and become an architect.&quot;) with the picture of dozens of SS murdered slave workers. I'm not against the quote, nor against the image, i just think that  put together they create almost an outrageous mocking of those victims. I'm removing it. [[User:82.58.169.151|82.58.169.151]] 05:38, 9 December 2006 (UTC)


No it just shows the degenration of the whole thing, it shows how the state became the tool to satisfy personal fantasies.

== Religion based quotes? ==

In the interest of impartiality, I find it odd that a significant number of the quotes are pertaining to the Christian religion. I do understand that Hilter's ideology and political motivations came from an anti-semitic standpoint, but my understanding is that this did not span from a deep Christian belief system. Indeed, if I can refer to an [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazism#Religion article on Wikipedia], it would appear that Christianity was, when looked at cynically, simply a tool to spread the Nazi message. Surely Hitler made far more (recorded) speeches that did not refer to Christanity than are noted here. I by no means offer these quotes, but question why we have so many religious ones? --[[User:Tda 666|Dan]] 05:13, 3 March 2007 (UTC)

I agree, why is every single one quote about God or Christianity? I'll guess that's because people want to associate Hitler with Christianity, but wouldn't quotes of the Mein Kampf or some political (not religious) speech be of more significance for people that want to know the guy's ideas? And if the criteria for inclusion is thought-provoking and irony, why not the quintessential Hitler quote? From the Mein Kampf (Guttemberg version, from the link of this page): &quot;Because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods,&quot; the irony being that Hitler had to lie himself (he accuses the Jews of doing that) to get dictatorial power. --[[User:200.222.30.9|200.222.30.9]] 12:44, 25 August 2007 (UTC)

I am also struck by just how many quotes reference God and Christianity. Why does the entry look like this? [[Special:Contributions/72.224.162.71|72.224.162.71]] 05:13, 3 March 2007 (UTC)

The writer of this article is trying to link Hitler's crimes to Christianity, which seriously compromises this article's neutrality. The NPOV tag should be added. --[[User:Manfi|Manfi]] 05:13, 10 October 2008 (UTC)


There is way, way too much about God, Christianity and the Chruch here... It realy hurts the quality of the artice.

Yes I agree. It makes the article look completely biased.

We should really just retitle this &quot;Hitler's statements about religion&quot; [[Special:Contributions/67.160.200.220|67.160.200.220]] 12:16, 15 February 2010 (UTC)

Are there no rules regarding the objectivity of the authors? All of these quotes are obviously limited to and therefore biased toward the depiction of Hitler as a Christian. It seems the author has a clear motive to debase Christianity by selectively using only Hitler's quotes which refer to God or Christianity. Quite frankly this is a disservice to those seeking a broader range of Hitler's quotes.

I'm guessing those are his more famous quotes. If you object, add some non-religious ones. :)

== More clean-up needed! ==

I've done some general clean-up, regularlized formatting, putting into chronological order, etc., but someone '''''really''''' needs to delve into this article and do some editorial cuts.  It seems to me that about 75% of it is repetitive in terms of the idea expressed (not a surprise, considering the source) and could be eliminated in favor of the one best expression. 

There really is '''''much''''' too much here. [[User:Ed Fitzgerald|Ed Fitzgerald]] 22:44, 5 October 2007 (UTC)

The whole thing reads like the result of an edit war between people arguing over whether or not Hitler was a Christian. This issue may warrant some attention, but it is certainly a secondary concern. The most important thing about Hitler is not that he was or wasn't a Christian. Because of this the page is all but unusable.
: {{unsigned|128.252.78.83}}

I'm forced to agree with this sentiment; articles such as these are why college professors refuse to allow their students to cite wikipedia.  Christian doctrinal statements made by a professed occultist are more than a little suspect, and in any case, the objective of this article should not be to relate what Hitler thought only on one particular (and almost needlessly polarized) subject, but to use the man's own words to give some insight into his complete worldview.  --[[User:Krusatta|Krusatta]] 09:12, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

== Well ==

Is there a reason that under the picture of Hitler there is a quote to wage war? This seems a bit biased since anyone who knows history in depth can point the ambition of war towards the likes of the Allied forces.

:You know, I was just saying to my brother-in-law what a shame it was that Britain and France took it upon themselves to '''''force''''' Hitler into re-militarizing the Rhineland and conquering or annexing Czechoslovakia, Poland, Austria, Denmark and Norway.  If they had '''''just''''' left him alone, there would have been peace, because Hitler was a peaceful and beneficent man, concerned only with the Christian virtues of charity, forgiveness and love.&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, those are Hitler's very words, and considering his many &quot;accomplishments&quot;, I'd say its a fitting representation of his thinking. So I think it's best not to alter it. [[User:Ed Fitzgerald|Ed Fitzgerald]] 01:36, 16 October 2007 (UTC)

== &quot;I know that in the scientific sense there's no such thing as race&quot; - Adolf Hitler ==

:[[w:Hermann Rauschning|Hermann Rauschning]], an early colleague, quoted Hitler as stating: 

:''I know perfectly well…that in the scientific sense there is no such thing as race. But you, as a farmer and cattle breeder, cannot get your breeding successfully achieved without the conception of race. And I as a politician need a conception which enables the order which has hitherto existed on historic bases to be abolished and an entirely and new anti-historic order enforced and given an intellectual basis…And for this purpose the conception of race serves me well… With the conception of race, National Socialism will carry the revolution abroad and re-cast the world (iii).

:&lt;font size=&quot;2&quot;&gt;iii. Rauschning, Hermann, Hitler Speaks (London, 1939), pp. 113, 229-30, as cited in Pipes, Richard, Russia under the Bolshevik Regime (New York, 1993), p. 280.&lt;/font&gt;

I've found it in this [http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780679454649&amp;view=excerpt online excerpt of &quot;Cruel world&quot;, by LH Nicholas, at Random House.] The wikipedia's article about Rausching, however, cast doubts on his reliability as a source, at least for me, not an expert on this subject. --[[User:Extremophile|Extremophile]] 21:24, 21 December 2007 (UTC)

==Famous Quotes on Hitler==
David Lloyd George: “I have never met a happier people than the Germans and Hitler is one of the greatest men. The old trust him; the young idolise him. It is the worship of a national hero who has saved his country.” (Daily Express, September 17, 1936)

Winston Churchill: “If our country were defeated I should hope we should find a champion as indomitable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations.” (Step By Step, p. 143)

Winston Churchill: “In fifteen years that have followed this resolve, he has succeeded in restoring Germany to the most powerful position in Europe, and not only has he restored the position of his country, but he has even, to a very great extent, reversed the results of the Great War…. The vanquished are in the process of becoming the victors and the victors the vanquished…. Whatever else might be thought about these exploits they are certainly among the most remarkable in the whole history of the world.” (1935)

Theodor Heuss: “He moved souls, the will to sacrifice, and great devotion, enthralling and enthusiastically inspiring everyone by his appearance.”

Daily Mail: “He succeeded in ascending to the highest power-position in Germany with very little spilling of blood or loss of human life in a land of 68 million inhabitants. Austria was annexed without one shot being fired.” (May 20, 1938)

The Observer: “Last May, I returned, bringing my family for another sojourn, after two years spent in other European countries. I found a Germany which has advanced miraculously from the point of 1933. I found political solidarity, a wholesome tone in the life of city dweller and country dweller alike. I found living costs materially reduced and an unmistakable optimism on every hand. In every quarter I found the same answer to my questioning: Profound belief in the genius of the Leader, love and admiration for him as an individual. My observations have covered a wide range of social classification. I have talked with the humblest type of labourers, with merchants, professional men. I have yet to discover a dissenting voice to the question of loyalty to the Fuehrer. My two young daughters are attending German public schools and are receiving an education which in thoroughness could be equalled in few countries.” (John L. Garvin)

George Bernard Shaw: “It was evident that Germany needed only a resolute and clear-headed leader to denounce the Treaty; declare her determination to assert her full equality with the Powers, and refuse to be disarmed, plundered and chastised under the pretext of reparations and ‘war guilt’, to rally to him every living soul whose native language was German, and at the same time take a great step towards peace in Europe by proving that neither France nor England nor the United States dare outrage humanity by attempting military occupation of her territory on the model of the old partitions of Poland; in short, that instead of Europe being plunged into war she would be dragged back from the brink of it by Germany.… Herr Hitler seized the hour and said the word, and France and England immediately climbed down, preserving their dignity by lecturing the Chancellor solemnly on his naughty behaviour as they descended.… Mr. Vernon Bartlett was soundly berated by the Foreign Office for imploring all lovers of peace to believe in the perfect sincerity of Herr Hitler’s assurance that a free Germany would be a peaceful Germany, but 95% of the listeners who wrote to him wanted to have him appointed Foreign Secretary. When I said that Herr Hitler’s action was right and inevitable, the storm of abuse that was about to bust on me was suddenly checked by Mr. Lloyd George saying exactly the same thing.... Europe breathed again. The beginnings of a British popularity set in for Herr Hitler as they had set in years before for Signor Mussolini, in spite of all the liberal protests, and it only remains to watch the results of the forthcoming general election in Germany, in which it is inconceivable that a single vote should be cast against him, even by the angriest German Jew or German Communist.” (The Observer, November 5th, 1933)

John F. Kennedy: After visiting these two places (the town of Berchtesgaden and Obersalzberg) you can easily understand how that within a few years Hitler will emerge from the hatred that surrounds him now as one of the most significant figures who ever lived. He had in him the stuff of which legends are made. (Prelude to Leadership, the European diary of J.F Kennedy, Summer, 1945.)

Jesse Owens, black American Olympic athlete: “When I passed the Chancellor he arose, waved his hand at me, and I waved back at him. I think the writers showed bad taste in criticising the man of the hour in Germany.” (Richard D. Mandell, The Nazi Olympics)

The Marquess of Lothian: “I think that it must be admitted that National Socialism has done a great deal for Germany. It has undoubtedly cleaned up Germany in the ordinary moral sense of the word. The defeatism, the corruption so manifest a characteristic in the days after the war has disappeared, at any rate from public view. It has given discipline and order and a sense of purpose to the great majority of young people who in earlier days did not know where to go or what they were living for.” (British Ambassador to Washington, June 29, 1937)

Readers Digest: “That Hitler’s conquest of the hearts and minds of all classes of Germans is now so complete that even if all his Brown Shirts and Steel Helmets were to be disbanded tomorrow he would still be easily the strongest man in Germany, and on any appeal to the electorate would be confirmed in power by a quite overwhelming majority of votes.... Hitler is recognised by the whole of the political and official intelligentsia as an exceedingly able man.... As of the militarist question, one may say with complete certainty that what Hitler said in his Reichstag speech on May 17 was exactly what he meant and accurately represents the policy that he will pursue.... I found no German who dreamed of the possibility of war, few who did not hope that it might be prevented in the future altogether. The truth is that the Nazi mind is concentrated on the internal problems of Germany and does not want to be bothered by foreign affairs for a long time to come.... Hitler has passed from the stage of party leader to being the national prophet of an exceedingly serious people, and it would need another prophet to replace him.” (Clifford Sharp, former editor of the New Statesman writing in The New Statesman and Nation and reprinted in Readers Digest, September, 1933)

Joseph Goebbels: “This century will be named and shaped after Adolf Hitler.”

Eve Braun to her sister: “I must write you these words so that you will not feel sad over our end here in the shelter. It is rather we who are filled with sorrow because it is your fate to live on into the chaos that will follow. For myself, I am glad to die here; glad to be at the side of the Fuhrer; foremost of all, glad that the horror now to come is spared me.”

Joseph Goebbels to his stepson, Harald: “My Dear Harald! We sit locked in the Fuhrer’s shelter in the RC., fighting for lives and honour. I hardly believe that we shall ever see each other again; therefore, it is likely that these will be the last lines you will ever receive from me. I expect from you, should you outlive this war, that you do only that which will honour your mother and father.... Germany will outlive this terrible war, but only if it has examples upon which to guide its reconstruction. Such an example we want to give here. Do not let yourself be confused by the uproar that will now reign throughout the world. The lies will one day break down under their own weight and the truth will again triumph. The hour will come when we shall stand pure and undefiled as our aims and beliefs have always been.... Farewell, my dear Harald. Whether we shall ever see each other again lies in the hand of God. If it is not to be, then always be proud to have belonged to a family that even in the face of disaster remains true to the Fuehrer to the very last and true to his pure and Holy cause. All the best and my heartfelt greetings. Your Papa.”

General Leon Degrelle: “Hitler was the greatest statesman Europe has ever known. History will prove that when whipped up emotions have died down. He was more matter of fact, generally more unfolded than Napoleon. Napoleon was more of a vanquishing, empire-founding Frenchman than a true European. Hitler, in his being a man of his time, dreamed of an enduring, just, honest Europe, unified by the initiative of the victor. A Europe however in which each ethnic group could develop according to their merits and accomplishments. The proof of this is that he offered Petain his hand. Just as Bismarck knew how to outgrow Prussia and become a German, so Hitler soon changed from being a German to being a European. At an early stage he disconnected himself from imperialistic ambition.... Without any difficulty he began to think of himself as a European and initiated the creation of a Europe in which Germany, like Prussia in Bismarck’s time, was to be the foundation stone.... Some comrades of the Fuhrer might still have been short-sighted Pan-Germanists. But Hitler had the genius, the right scale, the absence of bias and the necessary vision to accomplish the terrific task.... He had an authority, not to be found a second time in the history of the continent. His success would have established the wealth and civilisation of Europe for centuries, probably forever. Hitler’s plans for Europe would have meant a blessing for us all.”

== Sieg Heil ==
Hello, I believe Hitler &quot;invented&quot; this interjection. Should it go under speeches? [[Special:Contributions/81.69.203.77|81.69.203.77]] 18:21, 29 June 2008 (UTC)
:Give a source that proves it is his creation, please. Otherwise it is not welcome for anyone to add their personal belief.--[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 10:55, 10 October 2008 (UTC)

Hm, Wikipedia says the phrase might be older than nazism, a citation there lacks however. [[Special:Contributions/81.69.3.248|81.69.3.248]] 19:14, 9 February 2009 (UTC)

== No neutrality ==

If this article is written from a 'neutral perspective', then I must be seeing things. Just look at this: 'The test of greatness as applied to a political leader is the success of his plans and his enterprises, which means his ability to reach the goal for which he sets out.' - The quote is put in context right next to a picture of a news paper with the title 'Hitler is DEAD'.

Not only does it lack neutrality, but it's also quite childish. When will you people finally change this?
: of course not neutral!
: People who run this page only block innocent, nothin will be changed, i added one word which is correct grammar, yet they reverted it, shows how stupid they really are!

:: It's so infantile, I run into the page and the first thing is the picture with the cherry picked quote &quot;I want war&quot;. 
:: All this is old and tired.

== Bad References ==

A number of the external links are either dead (adolfhitler.ws) or to dubious sources (e.g., hitler.org). [[User:Bytwerk|Bytwerk]] 02:36, 29 July 2010 (UTC)

== Storm clouds ==

Is there a reason why the quote concerning Hitler's purpose on Earth (''not here to make men better...'' or something to that effect) is shown under a picture of storm clouds? Not only is it biased, it essentially amounts to propaganda - the use of which Hitler is frequently criticized for. --[[User:I, Englishman|&lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;I, Englishman&lt;/font&gt;]][[User talk:I, Englishman|&lt;sup&gt;&lt;font color=&quot;green&quot;&gt;Wouldst thou speak?&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;]] &lt;sup&gt;•&lt;/sup&gt; [[Special:Contributions/I, Englishman|&lt;sup&gt;&lt;font color=&quot;turquoise&quot;&gt;Handiwork&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:43, 17 August 2010 (UTC)

== Hitler on the Arabs (''inferior race'') as &quot;monkeys&quot; - Calling to continue to stir unrest in the Arab world==
A. Hitler to his military commanders in 1939:
&lt;blockquote&gt;&quot;We will continue to stir up unrest ... in Arabia. Let us think of ourselves as masters and consider these people at best as lacquered half-monkeys who need to feel the whip [lit., knout].&quot;&lt;/blockquote&gt;

The German original runs: 

&lt;blockquote&gt;&quot;Wir warden weiterhin die Unruhe ... in Arabien schüren. Denken wir als Herren und sehen wir in diesen Volkern bestenfalls lackierte Halbaffen, die die Knute spüren wollen.&quot;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Deutschland and Japan zwischen den Mächten, 1935-1940&lt;/i&gt; Theo Sommer,  Mohr, 1962, [http://books.google.com/books?id=CxIwAAAAIAAJ&amp;dq=halbaffen p. 298]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Die Welt des Islams&lt;/i&gt;, Volumes 25-26, Deutsche Gesellschaft für Islamkunde, 1985 [http://books.google.com/books?&amp;id=FGwMAQAAMAAJ&amp;dq=halbaffen p. 140]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Der Hitler-Stalin-Pakt: eine völkerrechtliche Studie&lt;/i&gt;, Gilbert-Hanno Gornig, P. Lang, 1990, [http://books.google.com/books?id=RUasAAAAIAAJ&amp;dq=halbaffen p. 144]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;The Jews in modern Egypt, 1914-1952&lt;/i&gt;, Gudrun Krämer, I. B. Tauris (1989) [http://books.google.com/books?id=n6qjaDq1sRwC&amp;printsec=onepage&amp;q=half-apes p. 262]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Deutschlands Araberpolitik im Zweiten Weltkrieg&lt;/i&gt;, Heinz Tillmann (1965) [http://books.google.com/books?&amp;id=g3vRAAAAMAAJ&amp;dq=Halbaffen p. 58]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Islam in inter-war Europe&lt;/i&gt;, Nathalie Clayer, Eric Germain (2008) [http://books.google.com/books?id=7cjFFgvUdDUC&amp;pg=PA293 p. 293]&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;&lt;i&gt;Der Hitler-Stalin-Pakt: eine völkerrechtliche Studie&lt;/i&gt;, Gilbert-Hanno Gornig, P. Lang, 1990, [http://books.google.com/books?id=RUasAAAAIAAJ&amp;dq=halbaffen p. 144] [http://www.wfu.edu/history/StudentWork/AsiaPacificWar/asia-pacific-scott/documents.htm German-Soviet Pact]&lt;/ref&gt;
{{reflist}} [[User:ChestyOne|ChestyOne]] 19:04, 28 February 2011 (UTC)


This actually is propaganda, it has no cocordance with what Hitler said on Arabs in his 1939 speech, and is quotes, so yeah surely britannic propaganda.

== Wrong translation? ==

It seems like the quotation 
:''In saying this, I promise you I am quite free of all racial hatred. It is, in any case, undesirable that one race should mix with other races''
is a translation of 
:''Selbst wer sieh frei weiß von Gefühlen des Rassenstolzes, muß zugeben, daß für keine Rasse die Vermischung mit einer anderen Rasse wünschenswert ist.'' 
(Hitlers Politisches Testament, 13. Februar 1945)[http://www.archive.org/stream/HitlersPolitischesTestament/PTAHG_djvu.txt]

I'm not a native German speaker, but I know some German, and this translation doesn't make sense to me. I would translate it as something like 
:''Even those who are free of all racial pride, must admit that for no race, the mixing with another race is desirable''
which conveys a very different meaning. Other opinions on this? [[User:Danmichaelo|Danmichaelo]] 10:55, 6 August 2011 (UTC)

I am native german. A better translation would be: ''Even those without racial pride have to admit that for no race there is a benefit in mixing with another race.''

==Сhimera called conscience==
&quot;I am freeing men from the wearisome restrictions of the mind, from the dirty and degrading self-mortifications of a chimera called conscience and morality, and from the demands of a freedom and personal independence which a very few enjoy.&quot;(Rauschning, Hermann, The Voice of Destruction, New York, 1940, Page 225.)[http://avalon.law.yale.edu/imt/02-08-46.asp]

It should be added!
[[Special:Contributions/194.186.62.37|194.186.62.37]] 11:52, 16 November 2011 (UTC)

::It was in a book. That must mean Hitler said it. Brilliant. Is this how Wikipedia works? [[User:Firtree|Firtree]] ([[User talk:Firtree|talk]]) 17:54, 11 February 2013 (UTC)

==&quot;We are Socialists&quot;==
This quote is falsely attributed to Hitler. The correct attribution is to another Nazi, Gregor Strasser. An early citation can be found in Strasser's 1928 ''Freiheit und Brot'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=qlQTAQAAMAAJ] (it was published earlier, in 1927, in an article ''Ziele und Wege'').  The full quote, in German, is: &quot;Wir sind Sozialisten, sind Feinde, Todfeinde des heutigen kapitalistischen Wirtschaftssystems mit seiner Ausbeutung der wirtschaftlich Schwachen, mit seiner Ungerechtigkeit der Entlohnung, mit seiner unsittlichen Wertung der Menschen nach Vermögen und Geld, statt nach Verantwortung und Leistung und wir sind entschlossen, dieses System unter allen Umständen zu vernichten!&quot;[[Special:Contributions/76.250.38.79|76.250.38.79]] 22:42, 8 August 2012 (UTC)

==&quot;I want war&quot;==

Where did Snyder get that quotation from? Sounds to me like he made it up. If Hitler had expressed any idiotic sentiment like that in such incoherent babble, he'd have been committed. Remember, the German generals were ready to take over power and imprison Hitler if his demands re Austria failed. I don't see why anyone who knows anything about Hitler would attribute such nonsense to him. No wonder well-known historians don't touch the quotation even with a long stick. [[User:Firtree|Firtree]] ([[User talk:Firtree|talk]]) 04:59, 7 December 2012 (UTC)

It appears to be a passage from page 11 in Rauschning's book. No historian quotes from Rauschning's &quot;The Voice of Destruction&quot; anymore.
&quot;To me all means will be right. My motto is not: 'Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy!' My motto is: 'Destroy him by all and any means.' I am the one who will wage the war!&quot; [Rauschning, The Voice of Destruction, p. 10]

==&quot;The best way to take control over a people...&quot;==
This one is going around the internet, claiming that it's from the Mein Kampf, but i can't see any trace of it there. Does anyone know anything about it?

&quot;The best way to take control over a people and control them utterly is to take a little of their freedom at a time, to erode rights by a thousand tiny and almost imperceptible reductions. In this way, the people will not see those rights and freedoms being removed until past the point at which these changes cannot be reversed.&quot;{{unsigned|5.76.185.228}}

:I guess whoever attributed that to Hitler thought that adding &quot;Mein Kampf&quot; as a source would give it more credibility, but I don't think anyone will be able to find it there, that quote is obviously completely made up... ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 11:26, 17 February 2014 (UTC)


I found this exact quote.  Its from Chapter Eleven of a book called Willfully Ignorant by Pat Miller.  Pat Miller is the source of this quote I believe.

: I can confirm that chapter eleven of Pat Miller's 'Willfully Ignorant' does in fact contain this exact quote[https://books.google.ca/books?id=C9enAgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q=erode&amp;f=false], with attribution to: ''Adolf Hitler - Mein Kampf''. Thank you for the evidence, anonymous contributor. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:50, 4 July 2015 (UTC)

I first found the &quot;quote&quot; at the Association of British Drivers' website back in 2004, where it was attributed to Adolf Hitler but not specifically Mein Kampf.  Nowadays the organisation is known as the Alliance of British Drivers and they've removed it from the website.  I think the &quot;taking away freedoms a little at a time&quot; is mainly a modern negative side-effect of well-intentioned risk averse attitudes, typically involving legislating repeatedly for a small but dangerous minority of offenders.  It is unlikely that Hitler would even have considered the &quot;a little at a time&quot; idea in his long-term plans.  --[[User:Tws45|Tws45]] ([[User talk:Tws45|talk]]) 23:47, 16 July 2016 (UTC)

:Indeed, here it is, at the legacy site: http://original.abd.org.uk/resources/quotes/politics.htm (second one down on the right).  --[[User:Tws45|Tws45]] ([[User talk:Tws45|talk]]) 23:58, 16 July 2016 (UTC)

Also from the same website, but with a date attribution of 1936.  http://original.abd.org.uk/downloads/otr/ABD_OTR_80.pdf  Text is on page 12.

==&quot;I want to raise a generation of young people devoid of conscience - imperious, relentless, and cruel.&quot;==
This quote is often circulated on blogs but I haven't been able to find a source for it. Ravi Zacharias quotes it in &quot;The End of Reason&quot; and claims it is inscribed over one of the gas chambers in Auschwitz. Does anybody have any information on the validity of this quote?
: No printed sources are revealed by a quick Google search, though numerous citations of the inscription can be found. If you do know a published source of this, it can perhaps be placed in the &quot;Disputed&quot; section, and further information might eventually surface. ~ &lt;font style= &quot;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/font&gt; 18:27, 20 April 2013 (UTC)
:: One source claims that it is written [http://books.google.pt/books?ei=HuByUd-DGKuN7AaVpoGYBA&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;id=-PcPAQAAMAAJ&amp;dq=%22imperious%2C+relentless%2C+and+cruel.%22&amp;q=%22On+a+wall+at+Auschwitz%22#search_anchor &quot;on a wall at Auschwitz&quot;], which is what Zacharias cites (quoted [http://books.google.pt/books?id=oj5yzY20o3gC&amp;pg=PA11&amp;dq=%22on+a+wall+plaque+at+the+Auschwitz+Death+Camp%22&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=3ONyUYrPG43e7Aamr4HQAQ&amp;ved=0CDIQ6AEwAA here], &quot;on a wall plaque at the Auschwitz Death Camp&quot;). The [[w:United States Holocaust Memorial Museum|Holocaust Museum]] also quotes Hitler as saying: &quot;I want to raise a generation of young people who are devoid of conscience, imperious, relentless, and cruel.&quot; (See [http://books.google.pt/books?ei=ld5yUcvjCuS47AaD5YCYCg&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;id=fEVCSNTasa8C&amp;dq=%22imperious%2C+relentless%2C+and+cruel%22&amp;q=%22The+haunting+words%22#search_anchor here].) Apparently, that is indeed inscribed [http://books.google.pt/books?id=cbfVg_1qhe0C&amp;pg=PA82&amp;dq=%22Over+one+of+the+doors+at+the+Auschwitz+museum+%22&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=6eJyUZrTLoee7AbAwIHAAg&amp;ved=0CDIQ6AEwAA &quot;over one of the doors at the Auschwitz museum&quot;]. With regards to its actual origins, one book states that the quote &quot;I desire to create a generation without conscience, imperious, relentless and cruel&quot; was said [http://books.google.pt/books?id=ElDkDBcOx1gC&amp;pg=PA155&amp;dq=%22imperious,+relentless,+and+cruel.%22&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=xOByUeTLJ8SM7Qbk74AQ&amp;ved=0CDQQ6AEwATgK#v=onepage&amp;q=%22In%20a%20speech%20to%20the%20Hitler%20youth%20in%20Nuremberg%22&amp;f=false in a speech to the Hitler youth in Nuremberg]. (I don't find it very reliable, though.) ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:01, 20 April 2013 (UTC)

The actual quote on the plaque at Auschwitz is “I freed Germany from the stupid and degrading fallacies of conscience, morality...We will train young people before whom the whole world will tremble. I want young people capable of violence, imperious, relentless, cruel.” [http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Ov6BNRJGSqE/SOT3tFQIIkI/AAAAAAAABSs/izLJ6-CzTxA/s320/HPIM3520.JPG Photo of the plaque at Auschwitz]


The wiki photo seems to be identical to that found at the blog spot named THE SLOVAKIA EXPERIENCE- A Journey in the Land of Castles; http://scottboeser.blogspot.com/2008_10_01_archive.html The author of the blog says he photographed this quote in Auschwitz in October 2nd 2008. Quoted  is as I found it on December 15th 2016. Absent any evidence to the contrary, the museum's  claim that this is a quote from a speech given by Hitler has the uthority of the museum behind it.

== Minimal Edit Suggested ==

The quote from February 1945 includes the following line:

&quot;Out of this bate a holy will is born to oppose these destroyers...&quot;

I believe the word should be &quot;hate,&quot; not &quot;bate.&quot;

Carry on.

- Davout
: This does seem to be correct, and to have been published as such in [http://books.google.com/books?id=yLNIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22Out+of+this+hate+a+holy+will+is+born+to+oppose+these+destroyers%22&amp;dq=%22Out+of+this+hate+a+holy+will+is+born+to+oppose+these+destroyers%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=Au7WUtDtEqXgsASJnYLIAg&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwAA ''Voices of History''] (1945), although the snippet itself does not show this. Someone else has already corrected the page. ~ &lt;font style= &quot;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/font&gt; 20:27, 15 January 2014 (UTC)
:: Not sure about &quot;corrected&quot;, just changed. Note that &quot;bate&quot; also appears in published works [http://books.google.pt/books?id=gKlfcaKvD3oC&amp;pg=PT14&amp;dq=%22Out+of+this+bate+a+holy+will+is+born+to+oppose%22&amp;hl=pt-PT&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=w-_WUq_xG4-I7Aa8sIGICw&amp;ved=0CDUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Out%20of%20this%20bate%20a%20holy%20will%20is%20born%20to%20oppose%22&amp;f=false], so this is something that needs to be confirmed. In the meantime, I agree &quot;hate&quot; is most likely correct; thanks Davout for pointing it out. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 20:38, 15 January 2014 (UTC)

==Not Officialy Fuerher Till 1935==

This says he was dictator from 1934. You could say he was dictator since the Enabling Act, but that was 1933. He did not combine the head of state and head of government till Hindenburg died in 1935, taking the official title of Fuerher to describe this. But 1934 is wrong however you figure it. Suggest another date be picked, with brief explanation of why. [[Special:Contributions/67.188.213.31|67.188.213.31]] 00:19, 19 January 2014 (UTC)

== Spell Check ==

Since the article is protected, can someone run a spell check over it and make the necessary corrections?

== Pinochet views on hitler ==

I quote

&quot;He could have a thousand faults, but I do not blame anyone in particular and I despise brutality with which the Nazis acted against Israelites; but the fault is not only of Hitler, but a group of high-ranked dignitaries.&quot;

&quot;Ego sum Pinochet&quot; 1989, Inteview to [[Augusto Pinochet]], authors Raquel Correa and Elizabeth Subercaseaux. [http://www.guerraeterna.com/archives/2006/12/pinochet_y_hitl.html 1]

== Misattributed: &quot;He alone, who owns the youth ...&quot; ==

''&quot;He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future&quot;''

It was his intention, but not his speech. And who is &quot;he&quot; in this sentence? I searches and it is everywhere referenced to &quot;[[w:Reichsparteitag]] 1935&quot;. I found it here: http://www.nizkor.org/hweb/imt/nca/nca-01/nca-01-07-means-46.html with following text. ''&quot;He alone, who owns the youth, gains the Future! Practical consequences of this doctrine: The boy will enter the Jungvolk (boy 10-14) and the Pmpf (members of the Jungvolk) ...&quot;'' (&quot;Pmpf&quot; is false, it is &quot;Pimpf&quot;. The references are declared here: http://www.nizkor.org/hweb/imt/nca/nca-01/nca-01-07-means-47.html 2656-PS: ''The Bearer of Sovereignty, from speech of the Fuehrer at the Reichsparteitag'', 1935. Vol. V Pg.365 &amp; 2401-PS: ''The Hitler Youth as recruits for future leaders, from Organization Book of NSDAP'', 1938, pp. 80-81. (USA 430) Vol. V Pg.69 ). 

I take all the following oranisation names in German and made a search and found: &quot;Die Reden Hitlers am Parteitag der Freiheit 1935. / Beim SA.-Appell in der Luitpold-Arena&quot; http://www.wintersonnenwende.com/scriptorium/deutsch/archiv/parteitag1935/pt193511.html And there is: ''&quot;Der Knabe, er wird eintreten in das Jungvolk, und der Pimpf, er wird kommen zur Hitler-Jugend, und der Junge der Hitler-Jugend, er wird dann einrücken in die SA., in die SS. und die anderen Verbände, und die SA.-Männer und die SS.-Männer werden eines Tages einrücken zum Arbeitsdienst und von dort zur Armee, und der Soldat des Volkes wird zurückkehren wieder in die Organisation der Bewegung, der Partei, in SA. und SS., und niemals mehr wird unser Volk dann so verkommen, wie es leider einst verkommen war!&quot;&quot;'' This is all from nizkor.org without ''&quot;He alone, who owns the youth, gains the Future! Practical consequences of this doctrine:&quot;'' This must be a comment from a citating author. The &quot;He&quot; must be Hitler. --[[User:Fg68at|Fg68at]] ([[User talk:Fg68at|talk]]) 02:33, 8 June 2014 (UTC)

From ''&quot;The boy will enter the Jungvolk ... / Der Knabe, er wird eintreten in das Jungvolk ...&quot;'' on it is also part in the Trial in Nürnberg: http://www.zeno.org/Geschichte/M/Der+N%C3%BCrnberger+Proze%C3%9F/Hauptverhandlungen/Zweiundzwanzigster+Tag.+Dienstag,+18.+Dezember+1945/Nachmittagssitzung --[[User:Fg68at|Fg68at]] ([[User talk:Fg68at|talk]]) 05:18, 9 June 2014 (UTC)

:It's true that this quote is so referenced in the vast majority of places, but not quite &quot;everywhere.&quot; The earliest citation of which I am aware -- albeit punctuated with an exclamation point, rather than a period (&quot;He alone, who owns the youth, gains the Future!&quot;) -- appears on p 139 (PDF p 339) of Vol I of the so-called Red Series, &quot;Nazi Conspiracy and Aggression, Prepared by the Office of the United States Chief of Counsel For Prosecution of Axis Criminality, Nuremberg [sic], Germany, 1945-1946,&quot; identified as &quot;A Collection of Documentary Evidence and Guide Materials Prepared by the American and British Prosecuting Staffs for Presentation before the International Military Tribunal at Nurnberg [sic],&quot; etc. at https://www.loc.gov/rr/frd/Military_Law/pdf/NT_Nazi_Vol-I.pdf

:The first document cited, &quot;2656-PS,&quot; is identified in the same volume's &quot;Legal References and List of Documents Relating to Reshaping of Education and Training of Youth,&quot; on p 327 (PDF p 346) as “The Bearer of Sovereignty, from speech of the Fuehrer at the Reichsparteitag, 1935.”

:The relevant portion of this document is excerpted in English translation in Vol V of the Red Series – https://www.loc.gov/rr/frd/Military_Law/pdf/NT_Nazi_Vol-V.pdf -- on p 365 (PDF p. 369):

::PARTIAL TRANSLATION OF DOCUMENT 2656-PS
::THE BEARERS OF SOVEREIGNTY MARCH 1939, PAGE 25.
::[Der Hoheitstraeger]
::From speech of the Fuehrer at the Reichsparteitag, 1935 
::&quot;He alone who owns the Youth gains the Future! 
::Practical consequences of this doctrine: The boy will enter the Jungvolk (boy 10-14) and the Pimpf (member of the Jungvolk) and will come to the Hitler Youth; the boy of the Hitler Youth will join the SA, the SS, and other formations, the SA man and the SS man will one day join the Labor Service, and from there he will go to the Armed Forces. The soldiers of the people will return again to the organization of the Movement, the Party, the SA, the SS, and never again will our people be so depraved as they were at one time.&quot;

:The German text is reproduced in Exhibit USA-325, appearing on p 63 (PDF p 70) of Vol XXXI of the so-called Blue Series, &quot;Trial of the Major War Criminals before the International Military Tribunal, Nuremberg, 14 November 1945 - 1 October 1946&quot;:

::DOCUMENT 2656-PS 

::FROM HITLER'S SPEECH AT THE PARTY RALLY 1935: EVERY GERMAN THROUGHOUT HIS WHOLE LIFE SHOULD BELONG EITHER TO A NATIONAL SOCIALIST ORGANIZATION OR TO THE ARMED FORCES (EXHIBIT USA-325) 

::Aus: Der Hoheitsträger. Folge 3, 3. Jahrg. März 1939. Herausgeber: Robert Ley, Reichsorganisationsleiter der N'SDAP. Miindien 1939. 

::— Seite 25 — 

::Nur wer die Jugend hat, hat die Zukunft! 

::Praktische Folgerungen zu dieser Erkenntnis 

::Der Knabe wird eintreten in das Jungvolk, und der Pimpf wird zur Hitler-Jugend kommen, und der Junge der Hitler-Jugend wird einrücken in die SA., SS. und die anderen Verbände, und die SA.-Männer und die SS. -Männer werden eines Tages einrücken zum Arbeitsdienst und von dort zur Armee, und der Soldat des AT'olkes wird zurückkehren wieder in die Organisation der Bewegung, der Partei, in die SS. und SA., und niemals mehr wird unser Volk dann so verkommen, wie es leider verkommen war ... 

::Der Führer auf dem Reichsparteitag 1935

:We thus have a conflict between a document entered into evidence by the United States in the course of the Nuremberg Tribunal, which includes this quote, and wintersonnenwende.com, which does not.
:The question therefore is: Is wintersonnenwende.com a more reliable source than the documents entered into evidence by the United States during the Nuremberg Trials?
:A cursory review finds that wintersonnenwende.com is a site of historical revisionism, including:
::*Holocaust denial (“not eight million, but barely half-a-million Jews are missing for the time period in question”) by Goebbels' adjutant, Prince Friedrich Christian of Schaumburg-Lippe (http://www.wintersonnenwende.com/scriptorium/english/archives/dictator/dictator07.html)
::*antisemitic conspiracy theory (“the historical blackout continues. The government appears to be willing to hint that 'aliens' from outer space are behind all this high tech. God forbid it should turn out that ancient Indo-Europeans were doing these things thousands of years ago, or especially Germans researching without the benefit of the Jews in the Third Reich”) from Willis Carto's ''Barnes Review'' by white nationalist John Nugent (now known as “John de Nugent”) (http://www.wintersonnenwende.com/scriptorium/english/archives/articles/jdecwar.html)
::*Arthur Pillans Laurie's 1939 book of Nazi apologetics (“There are to-day some 500,000 Jews in Germany but they are excluded from many professions and Government service. On the other hand they have their own cultural society, theatres and concerts and are protected from ill treatment by the Police”), ''The Case for Germany'' (http://www.wintersonnenwende.com/scriptorium/english/archives/caseforgermany/cfg04.html)
:I could go on but, in short, wintersonnenwende.com would not appear to be a reliable source. In contrast, the records of the Nuremberg Tribunal are generally considered a reliable source. I therefore propose restoring this (corrected) quote (i.e., including the exclamation point):

::He alone, who owns the youth, gains the Future! (''Nur wer die Jugend hat, hat die Zukunft!'')

:cited to the Nuremberg records, as follows:

::PARTIAL TRANSLATION OF DOCUMENT 2656-PS, THE BEARERS OF SOVEREIGNTY MARCH 1939, PAGE 25. [Der Hoheitstraeger] From speech of the Fuehrer at the Reichsparteitag, 1935, as cited in {{cite book |author=Office of the United States Chief of Counsel For Prosecution of Axis Criminality, Nuremberg, Germany, 1945-1946 |title= Nazi Conspiracy and Aggression, Volume V |publisher=United States Government Printing Office |location=Washington, DC |date=1946 |page=365 (PDF 369) |url=https://www.loc.gov/rr/frd/Military_Law/pdf/NT_Nazi_Vol-V.pdf |isbn=1575882027}} German original cited in {{cite book |title=Trial of the major war criminals before the International Military Tribunal, Nuremberg, 14 November 1945-1 October 1946, Volume XXXI |publisher=Secretariat, International Military Tribunal, Allied Control Authority for Germany |Edition=Official Text English Edition |location=Nuremberg, Germany |date=1948 |page=63 (PDF 70) |url=http://www.loc.gov/rr/frd/Military_Law/pdf/NT_Vol-XXXI.pdf |isbn=148188400X |access-date=16 August 2016}}

:N.B.: Google Translate renders the German quote into English as &quot;Only someone who has the youth, has the future!&quot; [[Special:Contributions/71.178.53.242|71.178.53.242]]

== &quot;Do not compare yourself to others. If you do so are you insulting yourself.&quot; ==

I see this quote attributed to Hitler, specifically as a troll &quot;Taydolf Swiftler&quot; quote, supposedly a Hitler quote intentionally misattributed to Taylor Swift. However, I can't seem to find a source for it other than quote websites. Nothing from Mein Kampf or from his speeches or letters or anything. Does anyone know if this is a real quote? [[Special:Contributions/99.90.64.88|99.90.64.88]] 09:22, 10 June 2014 (UTC)

:Its from Bill Gates [[Special:Contributions/2A02:3030:AA1:4A53:9970:38FE:9DD2:3583|2A02:3030:AA1:4A53:9970:38FE:9DD2:3583]] 01:39, 31 October 2024 (UTC)

== Quotation in 1920 about Russia and Germany ==

Hitler (27 July 1920): &lt;br&gt;
&quot;An alliance between Russia and Germany can only be established if Jewry is deposed.&quot; &lt;br&gt;
Original: &quot;Ein Bündnis zwischen Russland und Deutschland kann nur zustande kommen, wenn das Judentum abgesetzt wird.&quot;
Source: &quot;Hitler als Parteiredner im Jahre 1920&quot; (i.e. &quot;Hitler als public party speaker in 1920&quot;), Reginald H. Phelps, Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte, 11. Jahrgang, 1963, Page 308. [[Special:Contributions/84.187.238.167|84.187.238.167]] 11:29, 6 January 2015 (UTC)

== Quote on Terrorism as a Political weapon ==
It is unclear whether this quote is apocriphal or not:

“Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives people harder than a fear of sudden death.” 

[http://national-socialist-worldview.blogspot.com.au/2010/01/fake-hitler-quote-about-terrorism.html This page] claims it is fake, most other hits take it as true. Another wording can be found in [[http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Terrorism/StateTerrorism_NNGT.html this exceprt]].

“Hitler put it most concisely: 'Cruelty impresses. Cruelty and raw force. The simple man in the street is impressed only by brute force and ruthlessness. Terror is the most effective political means.'”

None of the sources seem to be very trustworthy or well referenced. Does anybody else have any more reliable pointers?

--[[User:OlivierMehani|OlivierMehani]] ([[User talk:OlivierMehani|talk]]) 01:04, 11 February 2015 (UTC)

== &quot;There is no such thing as truth. Science is a social phenomenon and like every other social phenomenon is limited by the benefit or injury it confers on the community&quot; ==

&quot;There is no such thing as truth. Science is a social phenomenon and like every other social phenomenon is limited by the benefit or injury it confers on the community&quot;
Daniel, G. (1962) The Idea of Pre-History, London: C.A. Walts and Co, p. 147, https://archive.org/stream/ideaofprehistory006990mbp#page/n159/mode/2up.

== Hitler's Table Talk and Albert Speer ==

This isn't really just about these two sources,but they are great examples of quotes that should be in the disputed section. Both of those sources would be considered unreliable by most historians. Albert Speer has been proven to have lied about his interactions with Hitler and other Nazis. Any quote that cannot be verified as being a part of a public speech or written in his own hand belongs in the disputed section.

== Fake Hitler Quote ==

This quote seems to give few results and no recognizeable sources.

It seems a bit too concise and declarative to be an actual quote but perhaps it is a paraphrase?

What do you think? --[[User:JamesPoulson|JamesPoulson]] ([[User talk:JamesPoulson|talk]]) 09:52, 15 May 2017 (UTC)

Hello.
I'm new to Wikiquote and editing Wiki's generally, but I just wanted to note that the first quote is fake.
&quot;I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not 'Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy'. My motto is 'Destroy him by all and any means.' I am the one who will wage the war!&quot;

There's no Source linked to the Quote and everything Google showed me was this site: http://www.ihr.org/other/weber2011fakequotations.html
And they mention it's from a US-Propaganda-Film and Hermann Rauschning who isn't a reliable source https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermann_Rauschning#Authenticity_of_Hitler_Speaks
On the German Wikipedia site for Rausching they made it more on point and clearly saying he almost never talked to Hitler and all his &quot;Talks&quot; are made up.

Historians like Theodor Schieder are agreeing to this.

Thanks for reading and I hope you will delete the quote. 

EnochPowell

Edit: Just traveled back in 2006 thanks to archive.org and saw that the quote is up since then, that's just insane

:This page is utterly ridiculous.

== Unbalanced  ==

I noticed that this article gives a lot of quotes which suggest that Hitler was a socialist but none of the wealth of ant-Marxist and anti-communist quotes. I feel this article gives an incomplete picture of Hitler's views, hence I place a neutrality tag. [[User:LittleJerry|LittleJerry]] ([[User talk:LittleJerry|talk]]) 17:51, 11 June 2017 (UTC)

== World War Two ==

&quot;he initiated World War II in Europe with the invasion of Poland in September 1939&quot; - Hitler didn't initiate World War Two, the governments of France and Britain did. Otherwise one could say the Polish government did, since they provide more then enough casus belli for an invasion. --[[Special:Contributions/105.0.3.160|105.0.3.160]] 04:30, 17 March 2018 (UTC)
:: It is certainly lamentable that there remain significant numbers of neo-nazi twerps who are eager to actually promote such crap as was just deposited here by and anonymous someone using the previous IP. When people are so mentally constipated that they actually believe the sort of nonsense and ludicrous Nazi propaganda, by which Hitler insisted that Poland was &quot;justly invaded&quot; by the massive war-machine of &quot;the Third Reich&quot; (with the joint agreements of himself and Stalin), because &quot;Polish aggressors&quot; of the ill-equipped armies of Poland were ruthlessly maligning, persecuting, attacking, raping and murdering innocent Germans, there really isn't much that can be expected of them in the way of competent rationality.
:: Of course the foulest fascists of all eras are inclined to confuse people with their own peculiar forms of distortions and lies, and corrupt the capacities of many people to reliably discern truth, by insisting any facts which do not support their prejudices, presumptions and polemical inclinations are merely fiction and &quot;FAKE NEWS&quot;, and that their most blatant distortions and outrageous lies are the ONLY genuine &quot;TRUE FACTS&quot; which need be considered. Among the very ignorant and confused, and often uninterested and cowardly, this can effectively disarm or diminish the effective presentation of ANY genuine facts, and provides those who ''wish'' to believe various lies and delusions — and to promote belief in them among others — about the only forms of advantage they can often have: the ignorance and confusion of those who they can keep ignorant and confused and those they can make even more so. Many of the foulest KNOW that if they spread enough lies, repeat them enough times, many people will actually grow weary of standing up against various forms of ignorance and confusion, dishonesty, and insanity. Fortunately for Humanity, not all do, and eventually, even amidst the hardships of all the lies and actual persecutions of the innocent and honest, by the fanatical and foulest, Truth can and does prevail. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 12:01, 17 March 2018 (UTC)

::&quot;the governments of France and Britain did. Otherwise one could say the Polish government did.&quot; Complete tripe. The invasion of Poland created WWII. Britain and France did everything to appease Hitler, and he still invaded Poland anyway for no reason whatsoever. The Polish government didn't do anything against Hitler. [[User:Enigmaman|Enigmaman]] ([[User talk:Enigmaman|talk]]) 17:56, 29 May 2019 (UTC)

==Zionism quote==
Presently the term Zionism does not appear on this page. Does anyone know of any affirmed quotes where Hitler used it? I have seen the following attributed to Mein Kampf but have not been able to affirm the claim so far. I'm wondering if this might be due to it being translated differently from German?
:When Zionism tries to convince the rest of the world that the Jews would be satisfied by the creation of a Palestinian state, Jewry is again deceiving the goyim in the most blatant fashion.
:'''There is absolutely no intention of erecting''' a Jewish state in Palestine for the purpose of going to live there; the Jews merely wish to establish there the central organization for their '''dishonest enterprise of universal internationalism'''. This enterprise would thereby enjoy the right of sovereignty and would be '''protected from intervention''' by other states; it would be a place of asylum for all '''unmasked scoundrels''' and a '''High School for future mountebanks'''.

This was quoted in https://www.counter-currents.com/2012/05/hitler-or-judah-chapter-4/ after &quot;he did not believe for a moment in the sincerity of the Jews, claiming to be on the march towards their promised land, and he said as much in Mein Kampf&quot;

I have seen &quot;V1 Ch11&quot; attached (possibly rephrased in later editions) to a similar line also purportedly by him:
:When Zionism tries to convince the world that the racial self-determination of the Jew would be satisfied with the creation of their own State in Palestine, the Jews are once again craftily pulling the wool over the eyes of the stupid goyim
:'''They never intended to build''' a Jewish State in Palestine, not for the purpose of living in it anyway. They just want an organization headquarters for their '''international swindling and cheating''' with its own political power that is '''beyond the reach and interference''' from other states. It would be a refuge for '''crooks who were exposed''' and a '''college for future swindlers'''.
:It is a sign of their growing confidence and security that some proclaim themselves as part of the Jewish race and others are still falsely pretending to be Germans, Frenchmen, or Englishmen. This impudence and the horrible way they engage in relations with the people of other nations makes it obvious that they see victory clearly approaching.

I'm wondering if anyone knows if either of these is based on something in the original German edition, and if so, what that text is and which is the more accurate translation. If neither are very accurate, does a more accurate one exist? I can see similarities between the two which I have bolded, but they are still phrased very divergently so clearly at least one person has taken some liberties. 15:17, 20 June 2018 (UTC)

== &quot;Once I really am in power, my first and foremost task will be the annihilation of the Jews.&quot; ==

This quote should be moved to the disputed section for the following reasons:

&quot;
A frequently quoted alleged statement by Hitler is from an alleged interview in 1922 with Josef Hell: &quot;Once I really am in power, my first and foremost task will be the annihilation of the Jews. As soon as I have the power to do so, I will have gallows built in rows - at the Marienplatz in Munich, for example - as many as traffic allows. Then the Jews will be hanged indiscriminately, and they will remain hanging until they stink; they will hang there as long as the principles of hygiene permit. As soon as they have been untied, the next batch will be strung up, and so on down the line, until the last Jew in Munich has been exterminated. Other cities will follow suit, precisely in this fashion, until all Germany has been completely cleansed of Jews.&quot;[4]

Less often quoted is the following from the same alleged interview: &quot;When I now broached the question of what the source of his so strongly felt hatred for the Jews was, and why he wanted to destroy this so undeniably intelligent race - a race to which the Germans and all other Aryans, if not the entire world, owed an incalculable debt in virtually all fields of art and knowledge, research and economics - Hitler suddenly calmed down and gave this unexpectedly sober and almost dispassionate explanation:&quot;[4]

    &quot;´It is manifestly clear and has been proven in practice and by the facts of all revolutions that a struggle for ideals, for improvements of any kind whatsoever, absolutely must be supplemented with a struggle against some social class or caste.

    My object is to create first-rate revolutionary upheavals, regardless of what methods and means I have to use in the process. Earlier revolutions were directed either against the peasants, or the nobility and the clergy, or against dynasties and their network of vassals, but in no case has revolution succeeded without the presence of a lightning rod that could conduct and channel the odium of the general masses.

    With this very thing in mind I scanned the revolutionary events of history and put the question to myself against which racial element in Germany can I unleash my propaganda of hate with the greatest prospects of success? I had to find the right kind of victim, and especially one against whom the struggle would make sense, materially speaking. I can assure you that I examined every possible and thinkable solution to this problem, and, weighing every imaginable factor, I came to the conclusion that a campaign against the Jews would be as popular as it would be successful.[4]

Thus, according to this, Hitler allegedly confessed that his anti-Semitism was mostly faked and simply a propaganda method used in order to gain power, which is an unusual view and seldom mentioned by those who selectively quote only the first quote as alleged evidence of Hitler's early, murderously intended anti-Semitism.

Also less often mentioned is that Josef Hell wrote down the alleged quote in its present form only in 1945, more than twenty years later.[5] It is thus not a text published long before the Holocaust but only after the occurrence of widespread Allied atrocity propaganda. Even if assuming no deliberate fabrication by Josef Hell, he is arguably an unreliable source considering the unreliable and easily influenced human memory.

Furthermore, Josef Hell was a journalist who worked with Fritz Gerlich, a major opponent of Hitler and the editor of the anti-National Socialist newspaper Der Gerade Weg. Gerlich was arrested and later killed during the Night of the Long Knives. Josef Hell was thus no impartial witness and may have fabricated the quote or parts of it. 
&quot;

== Testament or Political Testament ==

https://books.google.ca/books?id=P5bADgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT15 refers to &quot;The Political Testament of Adolf Hitler&quot;

Why does https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler#The_Testament_of_Adolf_Hitler_(1945) omit the word &quot;Political&quot;?

Also was this https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/My_Political_Testament or different?

What was the original German name of this document? I would like us to chronicle the order in which this document was published and referenced. -Oranginger

== Disputed ==

[[User:Rupert Loup]] why until [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Adolf_Hitler&amp;offset=20170904065858&amp;action=history 2017] none of [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Adolf_Hitler&amp;diff=2676358&amp;oldid=2675739 these quotes] were &quot;disputed&quot;? The only &quot;dispute&quot; that comes forward is the minor critical comments about the source than the quotes themselves. Since these quotes were cited by highly reliable sources, why Wikiquote should be casting a doubt without basis? [[User:Aman.kumar.goel|Aman.kumar.goel]] ([[User talk:Aman.kumar.goel|talk]]) 11:40, 1 October 2019 (UTC)
:The [[W:Hermann Rauschning#Authenticity of Hitler Speaks|book's authenticity is disputed.]] That's why it's in the Dispute section. Rupert Loup 11:46, 1 October 2019 (UTC)

== Source for quote beginning with &quot;I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war&quot; ==

It's from Hitler's second speech on August 22 1939, acquired by the International Military Tribunal at Nuremberg:

http://lawcollections.library.cornell.edu/nuremberg/catalog/nur:00459

[[User:John Sawyer|John Sawyer]] ([[User talk:John Sawyer|talk]]) 03:59, 22 January 2020 (UTC)

== White supremacist imagery ==

Why is there a confederate flag with a section irrelevant to the page? [[User:Iluvatra|Iluvatra]] ([[User talk:Iluvatra|talk]]) 15:55, 14 April 2020 (UTC)

How do we get this removed? [[User:Iluvatra|Iluvatra]] ([[User talk:Iluvatra|talk]]) 15:56, 14 April 2020 (UTC)

== Kirby Quote — &quot;That is the great thing about our movement -- that these members are uniform not only in ideas, but, even, the facial expression is almost the same!&quot; ==

The quote from ''Forever People'' #3 by Jack Kirby — &quot;That is the great thing about our movement -- that these members are uniform not only in ideas, but, even, the facial expression is almost the same!&quot; — is listed as disputed. Why is that?

The source is ''Der Fuehrer: Hitler's Rise to Power'' by Konrad Heiden, as translated by Ralph Manheim, which is treated as a valid source elsewhere on the page.

The full quote, found about a third into Chapter XIII &quot;The Uprooted and Disinherited&quot; (page 316 of the 1944 Houghton Mifflin Company hardcover edition; pages 252-253 of the 2012 Skyhorse trade paperback edition), goes:

&lt;blockquote&gt;In 1929, when he held the second Nuremberg Party Day, Hitler had already assembled a tenth of his historical minority. Sixty thousand of the elect marched in columns. A foreigner, bewitched by the stiff arms and thundering boots, said to Hitler: How wonderful; it seems as though all these sixty thousand mend had the same face. This remark was more accurate than the foreign guest suspected, for the same column passed the spot three or four times to indicate a greater masss. Even so there was a deep truth in the words; the same uniform, the same cap, the same step, the same cry, the same song, the same simple thought, end by making almost identical men. &quot;'''That is the great thing about our movement''' ... that these men have outwardly become almost a unit, that actually '''these members are uniform not only in ideas, but even the facial expression is almost the same'''. Look at these laughing eyes, this fanatical enthusiasm, and you will discover how in these faces the same expression has formed, how a hundred thousand men in a movement become a single type.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;The type for whom the World War was not over. Staring into the bloody distance, Hitler continued: &quot;Today when I saw these boys passing by me, suddenly I thought: how would it be if two more years passed and these boys were to don our old steel helmets, if they were volunteer regiments at Ypres again — the same face, the same expression, the same life in these men? We saw heads of boys in which was already imprinted the proud man to be, when the people sends a leader it is not to be destroyed. That is what this movement wants.&quot; (loud applause)&lt;/blockquote&gt;

I've bolded the portions Kirby used in the comic, albeit with some changes in the punctuation.

== Same Quote ==

Something along the lines of, &quot;Castes do not exist&quot; in the section, &quot;1930's&quot; or &quot;20's

== Rainer Zitelmann, Hitler: The Policies of Seduction, P137-138. ==

* Contrary to the accepted Marxist interpretation, Hitler was not an opponent of Marxism and did not want to destroy it because he was ‘inimical to labour’ but because he was caught up in the insane idea that Marxism was an instrument of the Jews for the achievement of world domination, and above all because he rejected internationalism, ‘pacifism’ and the negation of the ‘personality principle’ by Marxism.”
** [[W:Rainer Zitelmann|Rainer Zitelmann]], Hitler: The Policies of Seduction, P137-138.

== Feb(?) 24 1939 ==

Any help with this quote? more sources. From the german: https://www.haaretz.co.il/opinions/.premium-1.2988896

::Sie haben früher alle gelacht, diese Juden. Sie haben das für einen Spaß gehalten. Ja, sie lachen heute nicht mehr. Sie wissen, es ist ein blutiger Ernst geworden.**
:**The jews [always] used to laugh, They used to think it was a prank. They aren't laughing anymore Today they realize the gravity of the situation.**

:footnote 71 on page 14 of Verfolgung und Vernichtung der europäischen Juden unter der nationalsozialistischen Gewaltherrschaft: Tondokumente aus den Jahren 1930-1946 Funkhaus Berlin, 1991.
:::https://www.worldcat.org/title/verfolgung-und-vernichtung-der-europaischen-juden-unter-der-nationalsozialistischen-gewaltherrschaft-tondokumente-aus-den-jahren-1930-1946/oclc/25281591

== A quote about Hitler's fear of his death and mortality and the future generations' insufficient strength ==

I can totally remember reading on how Hitler's impatience in starting the war stemmed from his fear of his own mortality, and that he saw future generations unable to do what he &quot;had to do&quot;. Does a specific quote exist? Or is it more indirect speech? I cannot find it for the life of me.--[[User:Adûnâi|Adûnâi]] ([[User talk:Adûnâi|talk]]) 07:19, 28 January 2022 (UTC)

After a few hours of searching, I have found it. Not exactly a quote (indeed, indirect speech), but for future reference here it is, in case anyone deems it worthy of inclusion. The key word is hypochondria. The bold text is mine.

In ''Hitler 1936–1945: Nemesis'' by Ian Kershaw (2000), on pp. 36–37, it is said the following,&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; From late 1937 onwards, his increasing hypochondria made him ever more reliant on Morell's pills, drugs, and injections. [196] And the fear of cancer (which had caused his mother's death) never left him. At the end of October, he told a meeting of propaganda leaders that both his parents had died young, and that he probably did not have long to live. 'It was necessary, therefore, to solve the problems that had to be solved (living-space) as soon as possible, so that this could still take place in his lifetime. Later generations would no longer be able to accomplish it. Only his person was in the position to bring it about.' [197]

Source [197] is “Domarus, 745”. Now, word to Domarus (''The Complete Hitler: A Digital Desktop Reference to His Speeches* &amp; *Proclamations, 1932-1945''),&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; Late in October and early in November 1937, Hitler deemed it “absolutely necessary” to reveal to a small group his new religious convictions and his plans for a policy of aggression. [221] He did this in two ‘secret speeches,’ one in Berlin before the propaganda leaders of the Party, the other before an assembly of the Commanders in Chief of the branches of the Wehrmacht and in the presence of the Reich Foreign Minister. [222]&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; While speaking before the propaganda leaders, Hitler’s topics included the following: [223]&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; 1. '''He, Hitler, would not live much longer''', at least as far as this was accessible to the human mind. In his family, men did not grow old. Also both his parents had died young.&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; 2. It was hence necessary to face the problems which absolutely had to be resolved (Lebensraum) as quickly as possible—so that this would occur while he was still alive. '''Later generations were not capable of accomplishing this. His person alone was in a position to do this.'''&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; 3. After long and bitter mental battles, he finally had divorced himself from the religious convictions that still existed from his childhood. “Now I feel as fresh as a colt in the pasture.”

Source [223] is&lt;/br&gt;
&gt; Notes taken by the author on October 31, 1937, according to information related by the Gau Propagandaleiter Waldemar Vogt (Würzburg, later Berlin).--[[User:Adûnâi|Adûnâi]] ([[User talk:Adûnâi|talk]]) 09:39, 28 January 2022 (UTC)

== The issue of the &quot;I want war&quot; quote, ''again'' ==

The most prominent quote on the page, displayed next to Hitler's portrait, remains &quot;I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not 'Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy'. My motto is 'Destroy him by all and any means.' I am the one who will wage the war!&quot;

This quote is attributed to ''[[w:Hitler and Nazism|Hitler and Nazism]]'' (1961) by [[w:Louis Leo Snyder|Louis Leo Snyder]], p. 66. However, it seems that this quote does not in fact originate in this work, but in ''Hitler Speaks'' (1940) by [[Hermann Rauschning]]. From what I can tell, it ''originated'' there, and was only ''reproduced'' in Snyder's book.

There is a whole section, in the &quot;Disputed&quot; section of the article being discussed, for quotes taken from ''Hitler Speaks'', from where &quot;I want war&quot; likely originates. Why, then, is this disputed quote ''the most prominently featured on the entire page?'' Why not choose a quote which is not under such dispute? Why, also, use a tertiary-source instead of the secondary-source from which the tertiary-source draws its information, when that same secondary-source has its own section?

The prominent use of this quote in this article, it's attribution to Snyder instead of Rauschning, and it's inclusion among verified quotes and not among those &quot;Disputed,&quot; where all of Rauschning's other quotations are featured, must be defended, or the use of the quote must be altered.--[[User:Harry Sibelius|Harry Sibelius]] ([[User talk:Harry Sibelius|talk]]) 05:00, 21 January 2023 (UTC)

== &quot;I do not see why man should not be as cruel as nature.&quot; ==

Does anyone know where this quote originates from? It is almost surely a fabrication, but no matter how often it is cited by those who claim, with complete and utter certainty, that it is genuine, never so far have I seen a source given. It sounds incredibly Nietzschean, but does not seem to appear in Nietzsche, though there are lines of his that resemble it, more or less. [[User:Harry Sibelius|Harry Sibelius]] ([[User talk:Harry Sibelius|talk]]) 09:31, 31 January 2023 (UTC)


== The blood of every single Englishman is too valuable to shed... ==

This quote is claimed to have been said when Hitler gave the halt order that allowed the British expeditionary force to evacuate most men from Dunkirk but if you look at the book the quote is from there is no mention of Dunkirk there at all. Other sources like Kershaw's Hitler also mention that any such rationale for the halt order is a myth. [[Special:Contributions/2001:14BA:4616:2900:0:0:0:3|2001:14BA:4616:2900:0:0:0:3]] 20:18, 25 July 2023 (UTC)

== Against the Roman Catholic Church  ==

*The Catholic Church is a great thing. It's no small thing that an institution has held 2000 years... But their time has passed
**La Chiesa cattolica è una grande cosa. Non è cosa da niente che un’istituzione abbia tenuto 2000 anni… Ma il loro tempo è passato
***[https://www.avvenire.it/amp/agora/pagine/e-dagli-archivi-emerge-la-chiesa-esperta-dumanit sourced in Italian]
[[Special:Contributions/176.200.68.154|176.200.68.154]] 18:12, 8 March 2024 (UTC)

== Disputed or doubtful quote from table-talk ==

I am mainly active in WP as JonRichfield, so this entry is not official here, and I provide it in passing in case it might be of interest.
The book &quot;Hitler's Table-Talk&quot; is regarded as insufficiently authoritative, and the same  quote mentioned from another source is not reliably sourced, so I leave the following quote for the local authorities to approve and insert or dismiss as they see fit:
 
What luck for governments that the peoples they administer don’t think! The thinking is done by the man who gives the orders, and then by the man who carries them out. If it were otherwise, the state of society would be impossible.

Hitler's Table-Talk, 1941-1944: Night of 18&lt;sup&gt;th&lt;/sup&gt;-19&lt;sup&gt;th&lt;/sup&gt; January 1942 p. 224 [[Special:Contributions/105.225.48.149|105.225.48.149]] 14:46, 13 March 2024 (UTC)

== to add, from father [[Gabriele Amorth]] ==

*I have no doubt, however, that [[Hitler]] was a Satanist. From this point of view, I am not surprised that [[Pope Pius XII|Pius XII]] might have attempted an [[exorcism]] at distance. [The Führer's possession emerges from his] humanly inexplicable perfidy: one cannot explain such wickedness without a higher force and outside human nature.
**As quoted in Andrea Tornielli, ''[http://www.30giorni.it/articoli_id_392_l1.htm  Pio XII e Hitler. Hitler satanista e l’esorcismo del Papa]'', ''30giorni.it'' (January 2002)

==Neutrals and lukewarms==
* It is not the neutrals or the lukewarms who make history (Berlin, 23 April 1933)

This gets a few ghits but I can't find any good source for it. Is it genuine? -- [[User:JackofOz|JackofOz]] ([[User talk:JackofOz|talk]]) 19:09, 15 September 2024 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>6ymwqg6thnvltsbgtc38ucp80mhqh3z</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Lois McMaster Bujold</title>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:34:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Markjoseph125</username>
        <id>19526</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Penric and Desdemona */ added section for Penric's Demon</comment>
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      <text bytes="131533" sha1="8qf6jskpce1rwe5fdlmxsk6n245ik48" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Lois McMaster Bujold (1996).jpg|thumb|[[Tests]] are a [[gift]]. And [[great]] tests are a great gift. To [[fail]] the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune.]]
[[File:Lois-mcmaster-bujold-by-kyle-cassidy.jpg|thumb|I don't confuse [[greatness]] with [[perfection]]. To be great anyhow is…the higher achievement.]]
[[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers.]]
'''[[w:Lois McMaster Bujold|Lois McMaster Bujold]]''' (born [[2 November]] [[1949]], Columbus, Ohio) is an [[United States|American]] author of [[science fiction]] and fantasy works, most noted for the works in her [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Vorkosigan Saga]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Wushu dao.jpg|thumb|right|[[Women]] do desperately [[need]] models for power other than the maternal.]]

* '''It's a bizarre but wonderful feeling, to arrive dead center of a target you didn't even know you were aiming for.'''
** ''Cordelia's Honor'' (1996), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* '''All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In the service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves.''' A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self. Becoming a parent is one of these basic human transformational deeds. By this act, we change our fundamental relationship with the universe — if nothing else, we lose our place as the pinnacle and end-point of evolution, and become a mere link. '''The demands of motherhood especially consume the old self, and replace it with something new, often better and wiser, sometimes wearier or disillusioned, or tense and terrified, certainly more self-knowing, but never the same again.'''
** ''Cordelia's Honor'' (1996), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* I've described my usual writing process as scrambling from peak to peak on inspiration through foggy valleys of despised logic. Inspiration is better — when you can get it.
** ''Young Miles'' (1997), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* '''Women do desperately need models for power other than the maternal.'''
** Correspondence with feminist scholar and author [[w:Sylvia Kelso|Sylvia Kelso]], published in ''Women of Other Worlds'' (1999), also quoted in [http://womenwriters.net/june09/paladin_interview.html &quot;Women’s Hero Journey : An Interview With Lois McMaster Bujold on ''Paladin of Souls'' by Alan Oak at ''WomenWriters.net'' (June 2009)]

* '''I cannot emphasize enough that I do not start with a plan or agenda and mechanically manipulate characters and events to carry it out. I set characters in motion, and let them teach me what the book is.'''
** &quot;Women’s Hero Journey : An Interview With Lois McMaster Bujold on ''Paladin of Souls'' by Alan Oak at ''WomenWriters.net'' (June 2009)

=== [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Vorkosigan Saga]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;These titles are arranged by the storyline chronology rather than publication date.&lt;/small&gt;

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Falling Free|Falling Free]]'' (1988)====
[[File:King Ubus SmokeRingThrower.JPEG|thumb|right|It's an ancient and honorable term for the final step in any engineering project. Turn it on, see if it smokes.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1989 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]]; nominated for the 1989 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback first edition, 1st printing, {{ISBN|0-671-65398-9}} &lt;/small&gt;

* ''On the sixth day God saw He couldn’t do it all,'' it read, ''so He created engineers.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 14)

* Whether you function as welders or inspectors, the laws of physics are implacable lie-detectors. You may fool men. You will never fool the metal. That’s all.
** Chapter 2 (p. 36)

* Were you born inhuman, or did you grow so by degrees—M.S., M.D., Ph.D...
** Chapter 4 (p. 72)

* Of all the times to pick for this outbreak of idiocy, this has gotta be the worst possible. It’s got to be deliberate. Nothing this fouled up could be by chance.
** Chapter 4 (p. 78)

* The line of logic trailed off in confusion; he turned his thoughts impatiently from it. Mental wheel-spinning, as unproductive as philosophy class in college.
** Chapter 5 (p. 89)

* I don’t know whose judgement is worse, yours or the jerk’s who hired you—
** Chapter 5 (p. 101)

* Claire, listen to me. The proper response to Bruce isn’t suicide, it’s murder.
** Chapter 7 (p. 122)

* GalacTech’s not God, Claire. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your firstborn to it.
** Chapter 7 (p. 122)

* There are weapons all around us here, we just don’t recognize them because we call them “tools.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 142)

* Even soldiers in battle have to be brought to a special state of mental excitement to shoot total strangers.
** Chapter 8 (p. 143)

* This isn’t a class. This is real life.
** Chapter 8 (p. 152)

* God’s not here. Somebody’s got to fill in.
** Chapter 9 (p. 161)

* The quaddies, he reflected, didn’t seem to have a very clear idea of private property. Probably came from a lifetime spent in a communal space habitat, with its tight ecology. Planets were communal in the same way, really, except that their enormous size put so much slack in their systems, it was disguised.
** Chapter 9 (p. 166)

* “The trouble with you, Ti,” lectured Leo kindly, “is that you lack teaching experience. If you had, you’d have faith that the most unlikely people can learn the most amazing things.”
** Chapter 9 (pp. 166-167)

* “We’ve run into a problem, Leo.”&lt;br&gt;“But of course. Who ever tracks me down to impart good news?
** Chapter 10 (p. 180)

* ''We make our own luck. And it’s my responsibility to see it’s good and not bad.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 194)

* He loathed letting her push his buttons; still, she had a valid point: cover-your-ass was a fundamental rule for survival even of the fittest.
** Chapter 13 (p. 238)

* Clearly, you could die while waiting for other people to start your life for you.
** Chapter 14 (p. 254)

* “I could bring almost nothing—I scarcely knew what to choose.”&lt;br&gt;“Think of the vast amounts of money we shall save on shipping charges, then.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 256)

* Shooting people was such a ''stupid'' activity, why should everybody—anybody!—be so impressed? Silver wondered irritably. You would think she had done something truly great, like discover a new treatment for black stem-rot.
** Chapter 14 (p. 266)

* If you ever have to make a choice between learning and inspiration, boy, choose learning. It works more of the time.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 273-274)

* And what is the most important leg of a three-legged stool? The one that is missing, of course.
** Chapter 14 (p. 276)

* He gave himself up to God and pressed the button.
** Chapter 15 (p. 284)

* “Smoke test?...What’s that?”...&lt;br&gt;“It’s an ancient and honorable term for the final step in any engineering project,” Leo explained. “Turn it on, see if it smokes.”
** Chapter 16 (pp. 295-296; ellipses represent minor elisions of description)

[[File:Aircraft Wreckage - geograph.org.uk - 415605.jpg|thumb|right|The laws of physics are implacable lie-detectors. You may fool men. You will never fool the metal.]]

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Shards of Honor|Shards of Honor]]'' (1986)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Cordelia's Honor'' {{ISBN|978-0-671-57828-2}} 5th printing, September 2010 &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Warzone 2100 - background 2.png|thumb|right|If it ever came down to exerting power by force, it would mean I'd already lost it.]]

* Leadership is mostly a power over imagination, and never more so than in combat. The bravest man alone can only be an armed lunatic. The real strength lies in the ability to get others to do your work.
** Chapter 3 (p. 40)

* If it ever came down to exerting power by force, it would mean I’d already lost it.
** Chapter 3 (p. 40)

* Save me from that! To pour your life into sons for eighteen or twenty years, and then have the government take them away and waste them cleaning up after some failure of politics—no thanks.
** Chapter 3 (p. 41)

* I suppose my determination to be a soldier stems from that date. I mean the real thing, not the parades and the uniforms and the glamour, but the logistics, the offensive advantage, the speed and surprise—the power. A better-prepared, stronger, tougher, faster, meaner son-of-a-bitch than any who came through that door.
** Chapter 3 (pp. 43-44)

* Even after four days of oatmeal and blue cheese dressing, they were a disappointment.&lt;br&gt;“Are you sure this isn’t instant boots?” asked Cordelia.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* The old customs are dead, and we keep trying on new ones, like badly fitting clothes.
** Chapter 3 (p. 50)

* She took the story in like some strange, spiked gift, too fragile to drop, too painful to hold.
** Chapter 3 (p. 53)

* “Seems to me the only difference between your friends and your enemies is how long they stand around chatting before they shoot you.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes,” Vorkosigan agreed, “I could take over the universe with this army if I could ever get all their weapons pointed in the same direction.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 60)

* I had a teacher who used to reflect back my questions that way. I thought it was the Socratic method, and it impressed me immensely, until I found out he used it whenever he didn’t know the answer.
** Chapter 4 (p. 60)

* “We were told the Betans killed you, sir,” he said suspiciously.&lt;br&gt;“Yes, it’s a rumor I’ve had difficulty living down,” said Vorkosigan. “You can see it’s not true.”&lt;br&gt;“Your funeral was splendid,” said Koudelka. “You should have been there.”&lt;br&gt;“Next time, perhaps,” Vorkosigan grinned.&lt;br&gt;“Oh. You know I didn’t mean it that way, sir. Lieutenant Radnov made the best speech.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m sure. He’d probably been working on it for months.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 61)

* They stared at her curiously and she caught snatches of conversation in two or three languages. It wasn’t hard to guess their content, and she smiled a bit grimly. Youth, it appeared, was full of illusions as to how much sexual energy two people might have to spare while hiking forty or so kilometers a day, concussed, stunned, diseased, on poor food and little sleep, alternating caring for a wounded man with avoiding becoming dinner for every carnivore within range—and with a coup to plan for at the end.
** Chapter 4 (p. 69)

* Captains may come and captains may go, but the administration goes on forever.
** Chapter 5 (p. 74)

* Vorkalloner seemed suddenly less amusing. “Why are you all so anxious to put us in a bottle, anyway?”&lt;br&gt;“Why, orders,” said Vorkalloner  simply, like an ancient fundamentalist who answers every question with the tautology, “Because God made it that way.” Then a little agnostic doubt began to creep over his face. “Actually, I thought we might have been sent out here on guard duty as some kind of punishment,”  he joked.&lt;br&gt;The remark caught Vorkosigan’s humor. “For your sins? Your cosmology is too egocentric, Aristede”
** Chapter 5 (p. 75)

* I have an aversion to closed doors anyway. You never know what’s on the other side.
** Chapter 5 (p. 78)

* “Anybody ever tell you you’re a lunatic?”&lt;br&gt;“Not in this context.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 80; Vorkosigan has just proposed to Cordelia)

* It’s a moribund body anyway, afflicted with the narrowest conservatism and stuffed with old relics only concerned with protecting their privileges. I’m not sure anything can be done with the Counts in the long run. Perhaps they should finally be allowed to dodder over the brink of extinction.
** Chapter 5 (p. 81)

* Do you know, I think you’d like politics at least on Barrayar. Maybe because it’s so similar to what we call war, elsewhere.
** Chapter 5 (p. 81)

* I’m sure we’d all rather be clever than brave.
** Chapter 6 (p. 90)

* So in the physics of the heart, distance is relative; it’s time that’s absolute.
** Chapter 6 (p. 97)

* No fear trembled his voice. Well, she reflected, perhaps he was not old enough yet to have really come to believe in death after life.
** Chapter 7 (p. 101)

* This war nonsense was a great psychological education. That chronometer had to be wrong. Surely it had been a year, and not an hour…
** Chapter 7 (p. 104)

* He said that permitting private judgments to turn my duty in the smallest matter would be just like getting a little bit pregnant—that the consequences would very soon get beyond me.
** Chapter 8 (p. 127)

* East is west, up is down, and being falsely arrested for getting your C.O.’s throat cut is a simplification. I must be on Barrayar.
** Chapter 8 (p. 128)

* “Things going well for your side, are they?” she asked, oppressed.&lt;br&gt;“We’re becoming nicely overextended. Some people regard that as progress.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 129)

* But exile, for no other motive than ease—that would be to give up all hope of honor. The last defeat, with no seed of future victory in it.
** Chapter 8 (p. 132; Vorkosigan to Cordelia; she quotes it back to him on p. 236)

* “Suffering bastard.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought you saw meaning in that sort of thing,” said Vorkosigan.&lt;br&gt;“In the abstract. Most days it’s just stumbling around in the dark with the rest of creation, smashing into things and wondering why it hurts.”
** Chapter 9 (pp. 138-139)

* The really unforgivable acts are committed by calm men in beautiful green silk rooms, who deal death wholesale, by the shipload, without lust, or anger, or desire, or any redeeming emotion to excuse them but cold fear of some pretended future. But the crimes they hope to prevent in that future are imaginary. The ones they commit in the present—they are real.
** Chapter 9 (p. 141)

* I’m sorry. I can love you. I can grieve for you, or with you. I can share your pain. But I cannot judge you.
** Chapter 11 (p. 162)

* “Well, I don’t hate him. I can’t say I worship him, either.” She paused a long time, and looked up to meet her mother’s eyes squarely. “But when he’s cut, I bleed.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 184)

* “So this word of honor business—you believe he never breaks it?”&lt;br&gt;“Well…”&lt;br&gt;“He does, then.”&lt;br&gt;“I have seen him do so. But the cost was huge.”&lt;br&gt;“He breaks it for a price, then.”&lt;br&gt;“Not for a price. At a cost.”&lt;br&gt;“I fail to see the distinction.”&lt;br&gt;“A price is something you get. A cost is something you lose.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 190)

* “Women shouldn’t be in combat,” said Vorkosigan, grimly glum.&lt;br&gt;“Neither should men, in my opinion.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 223)

* Why shouldn’t a madman dream of being sane?
** Chapter 14 (p. 224)

* “Ah, yes. I recall from your file that you are some sort of theist.” said the Emperor. “I am an atheist, myself. A simple faith, but a great comfort to me, in these last days.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, I have often felt the pull of it myself.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 230)

* I’ve always thought—tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift. To fail the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune. Do you understand what I’m saying?
** Chapter 15 (p. 235)

* I’ve always felt that theists were more ruthless than atheists.
** Chapter 15 (p. 235)

* A person’s things can be a kind of exterior morphology of their mind.
** Aftermaths (p. 247). Note: ''Aftermaths'' was originally published as a standalone short story in 1986, but since then has usually been reprinted as a sort of appendix to ''Shards of Honor,'' which it follows naturally in the series arc.

* What a strange world you must live in, inside your head.
** Aftermaths (p. 252)

* An honor is not diminished for being shared.
** Aftermaths (p. 253)

* “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “The dead cannot hurt you. They give you no pain, except that of seeing your own death in their faces. And one can face that, I find.”&lt;br&gt;Yes, he thought, the good face pain. But the great—they embrace it.
** Aftermaths (p. 253)

====''[[w:Barrayar|Barrayar]]'' (1991) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1992 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]]; nominated for the 1992 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Cordelia's Honor'' {{ISBN|978-0-671-57828-2}} 5th printing, September 2010 &lt;/small&gt;

* ''Check your assumptions,'' Cordelia thought to herself in amusement. ''In fact, check your assumptions at the door.''
** Chapter 5 (p. 324)

* You can’t choose between evil and evil, in the dark, by logic. You can only cling to some safety line of principle.
** Chapter 7 (p. 374)

* “What a barbaric custom.”&lt;br&gt;“Well, we could treat crime as a disease, like you Betans. You know what that’s like. At least we kill a man cleanly, all at once, instead of in bits over the years….I don’t know.”&lt;br&gt;“How will they…do it?”&lt;br&gt;“Beheading. It’s supposed to be almost painless.”&lt;br&gt;“How do they know?”&lt;br&gt;His laugh was totally without humor. “A very cogent question.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 376)

* “For all you Betans seem soft, you have an appalling cold-blooded streak in you.”&lt;br&gt;“Rational streak, sir. Rationality has its merits. You Barrayarans ought to try it sometime.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 393)

* Stupidity, yes, but not unilateral stupidity. Something this screwed up had to have taken a committee.
** Chapter 10 (p. 411)

* My home is not a place, it is a person, sir.
** Chapter 10 (p. 420)

* “You think like a soldier, m’lady.” Kly sounded approving.&lt;br&gt;Cordelia wrinkled her brow in dismay. What an appalling compliment. The last thing she wanted was to start thinking like a soldier, playing their game by their rules. The hallucinatory military worldview was horribly infectious, though, immersed in it as she was now.
** Chapter 13 (p. 458)

* Anyway, she now realized, the military histories she’d read had left out the most important part; they never told what happened to people’s babies.
** Chapter 14 (p. 477)

* It’s...a transcendental act. Making life. I thought about that when I was carrying Miles. “By this act, I bring one death into the world.” One birth, one death, and all the pain and acts of will between.
** Chapter 17 (p. 529)

* Our children change us…whether they live or not.
** Chapter 17 (p. 530)

* Good soldiers never pass up a chance to eat or sleep. They never know how much they’ll be called on to do before the next chance.
** Chapter 17 (p. 531)

* Any community’s arm of force—military, police, security—needs people in it who can do the necessary evil, and yet not be made evil by it. To do only the necessary and no more. To constantly question the assumptions, to stop the slide into atrocity.
** Chapter 17 (p. 533)

* But pain...seems to me an insufficient reason not to embrace life. Being dead is quite painless. Pain, like time, is going to come on regardless. Question is, what glorious moments can you win from life in addition to the pain?
** Chapter 17 (p. 534)

* You have a little time yet. You can say a lot in a little time, if you stick to words of one syllable.
** Chapter 17 (p. 536)

* ''Why have these people so blithely handed me the right to risk their lives? God, I hate command.''
** Chapter 18 (pp. 540-541)

* Suicidal glory is the luxury of the irresponsible. We’re not giving up. We’re waiting for a better opportunity to win.
** Chapter 18 (p. 547)

* I don’t want power. I just object to idiots having power over me.
** Chapter 18 (p. 549)

* Surely she was mad. She didn’t feel anything, no grief or remorse, though her heart was racing and her breath came in gasps. A shocky combat-high, that immortal rush that made men charge machine guns. So this was what the war-addicts came for.
** Chapter 18 (p. 552)

* ''Let me help.'' Rhymes with ''I love you,'' right?
** Chapter 20 (p. 582)

* Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and then fail them was surely damnation.
** Chapter 20 (p. 583)

* Welcome to Barrayar, son. Here you go: have a world of wealth and poverty, wrenching change and rooted history. Have a birth; have two. Have a name. Miles means “soldier,“ but don’t let the power of suggestion overwhelm you. Have a twisted form in a society that loathes and fears the mutations that have been its deepest agony. Have a title, wealth, power, and all the hatred and envy they will draw. Have your body ripped apart and re-arranged. Inherit an array of friends and enemies you never made. Have a grandfather from hell. Endure pain, find joy, and make your own meaning, because the universe certainly isn’t going to supply it. Always be a moving target. Live. Live. Live.
** Chapter 20 (p. 583)

* ''I would fight the world for you, but I’m damned if I can figure out how to save you from yourself. Go for it, kid.''
** Epilogue (p. 589)

* All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves. A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self. Becoming a parent is one of these basic human transformational deeds. By this act, we change our fundamental relationship with the universe—if nothing else, we lose our place as the pinnacle and end-point of evolution, and become a mere link. The demands of motherhood especially consume the old self, and replace it with something new, often better and wiser, sometimes wearier or disillusioned, or tense and terrified, certainly more self-knowing, but never the same again.
** Author’s Afterward (pp. 595-596)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#The Warrior.27s Apprentice|The Warrior's Apprentice]]'' (1986)====
[[File:Falco peregrinus - Château de Lordat.jpg|thumb|right|Hunting hawks do not belong in cages, no matter how much a man covets their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They are far more beautiful soaring free...]]
[[File:Falco peregrinus2.jpg|thumb|right|...Heartbreakingly beautiful.]]

:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Young Miles'' {{ISBN|978-0-7434-3616-8}} 3rd printing, January 2008 &lt;/small&gt;

* To kill a man, it helps if you can first take away his face. A neat mental trick. Handy for a soldier.
** Chapter 2 (pp. 29-30)

* Ask a simple question, get a simple brick wall.
** Chapter 3 (p. 44)

* It’s never too late while you’re breathing.
** Chapter 5 (p. 80)

* What you are is a question only you can answer.
** Chapter 8 (p. 123)

* I’ve got forward momentum. There’s no virtue in it. It’s just a balancing act. I don’t dare stop.
** Chapter 9 (p. 136)

* “You know,” he said as they started back up the corridor, “it might be better if we don’t yell, going in. It’s startling. It’s bound to be a lot easier to hit people if they’re not jumping around and ducking behind things.”&lt;br&gt;“They do it that way on the vids,” Mayhew offered.
** Chapter 9 (p. 144)

* I guess it just doesn’t look very heroic to sneak up behind somebody and shoot them in the back. I can’t help thinking it would be more efficient, though.
** Chapter 9 (p. 144)

* The deadly weapon seemed unnaturally light and easy in his hand. Something that lethal should have more heft, like a broadsword. Wrong, for murder to be so potentially effortless—one ought to at least have to grunt for it.
** Chapter 10 (p. 154)

* Organization seemed to be the key. To get huge masses of properly matched men and material to the right place at the right time in the right order with the swiftness required to even grasp survival—to wrestle an infinitely complex and confusing reality into the abstract shape of victory—organization, it seemed, might even outrank courage as a soldierly virtue.
** Chapter 10 (p. 169)

* Some saw stars, it seemed, and some saw the spaces between them.
** Chapter 13 (p. 215)

* A mercenary who can’t honor his contract when it’s rough as well as smooth is a thug, not a soldier.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 221-222)

* In the long run more mercenaries have had their asses shot off by their contractors than by their enemies.
** Chapter 13 (p. 223)

* Heroes. They sprang up around him like weeds. A carrier, he was seemingly unable to catch the disease he spread.
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “Ivan, one of these days somebody is going to pull out a weapon and plug you, and you’re going to die in bewilderment, crying, ‘What did I say? What did I say?’”&lt;br&gt;“What did I say?” asked Ivan indignantly.
** Chapter 17 (p. 295)

* He should be keeping reality and fantasy separate in his own mind, at least, even while mixing them as much as possible in others’.
** Chapter 18 (p. 302)

* How can I give you up? You’re the mountains and the lake, the memories—you have them all. When you’re with me, I’m at home, wherever I am.
** Chapter 18 (p. 305)

* Acting or reacting, we carry him in us. You can’t walk away from him any more than I can. Whether you travel toward or away, he’ll be the compass. He’ll be the glass, full of subtle colors and astigmatisms, through which all new things will be viewed. I too have a father who haunts me, and I know.
** Chapter 18 (pp. 305-306)

* That idea only makes sense if you don’t think too hard about it.
** Chapter 18 (p. 308)

* Not only was Ivan an idiot, but he generated a telepathic damping field that turned people nearby into idiots too.
** Chapter 18 (p. 311)

* There was no way he could anticipate every contingency. When the time came to leap in faith, whether you had your eyes open or closed or screamed all the way down or not made no practical difference.
** Chapter 19 (p. 320)

* You know, if you’re trying to take a roomful of people by surprise, it’s a lot easier to hit your targets if you don’t yell going through the door.
** Chapter 20 (p. 340)

* Hunting hawks do not belong in cages, no matter how much a man covets their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They are far more beautiful soaring free. Heartbreakingly beautiful.
** Chapter 21 (p. 362)

===='' [[w:Vorkosigan Saga#.22Mountains of Mourning.22 .28short story.29|The Mountains of Mourning]]'' (1989)====
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1990 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novella|Hugo Award]] and the 1990 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novella|Nebula Award]] for best novella &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the May 1989 issue of [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog Science Fiction and Fact]], and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* The trick of handling horses isn’t to be faster than the horse, or stronger than the horse. That pits  your weakness against his strengths. The trick is to be smarter than the horse. That pits your strength against his weakness, eh?
** p. 28
 
* ''Yeah, so I’m short. But wait’ll you see me dance.''
** p. 35

* Aren’t family squabbles jolly fun? Bleeding ulcers run in my family, we give them to each other.
** p. 83

* The fundamental principle was clear: the spirit was to be preferred over the letter, truth over technicalities. Precedent was held subordinate to the judgment of the man on the spot. Alas, the man on the spot was himself. There was no refuge for him in automated rules, no hiding behind ''the law says'' as if the law were some living overlord with a real Voice. The only voice here was his own.
** p. 90

* The old ones are fighting it. They call it off planet corruption, but it’s really the future they fear.
** p. 92

* Ordinary people need extraordinary examples.
** p. 92

* I know you have courage, and I know you have will. The rest is just picking yourself up and ramming into the wall again and again until it falls down.
** p. 96

* How small those mountains looked from space!
** p. 99

* ''Peace to you, small lady,'' he thought to Raina. ''You’ve won a twisted poor modern knight, to wear your favor on his sleeve. But it’s a twisted poor world we were both born into, that rejects us without mercy and ejects us without consultation. But at least I won’t just tilt at windmills for you. I’ll send in sappers to mine the twirling suckers, and blast them into the sky…&lt;br&gt;He knew who he served now. And why he could not quit. And why he must not fail.''
** p. 100 (closing words)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#The Vor Game|The Vor Game]]'' (1990)====
[[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|right|War is not its own end, except in some catastrophic slide into absolute damnation. It's peace that's wanted. Some better peace than the one you started with.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1991 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Young Miles'' {{ISBN|978-0-7434-3616-8}} 3rd printing, January 2008 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''We don’t just march on the future, we charge it.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 468)

* Pain hurts, sir. I don’t court it.
** Chapter 1 (p. 473)

* ''He’s not'' like ''anything, Ahn. He’s the original.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 488)

* When a normal ensign looked at his commander, he ought to see a godlike being, not a, a...future subordinate. New ensigns were supposed to be a subhuman species anyway.
** Chapter 3 (p. 508)

* If we shouldn’t do it, we shouldn’t be ''able'' to do it.
** Chapter 4 (p. 532)

* ''Those who do not know their history,'' his thought careened, ''are doomed to keep stepping in it.'' Alas, so were those who did, it seemed.
** Chapter 5 (p. 551)
** This evokes the famous statement by [[George Santayana]] in ''The Life of Reason'' Vol. 1 (1905): “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

* ''A weapon is a device for making your enemy change his mind.''
** Chapter 5 (p. 551)

* The facts appear to be mutating every forty minutes. like bacteria.
** Chapter 6 (p. 558)

* Your moral scruples may be admirable, Miles, but I’m not sure I can afford them.
** Chapter 6 (p. 562)

* “Other than that, how was Kiril Island, Ensign Vorkosigan?” inquired the Count. “You didn’t vid home much, your mother noticed.”&lt;br&gt;“I was busy. Lessee. The climate was ferocious, the terrain was lethal, a third of the population including my immediate superior was dead drunk most of the time. The average IQ equalled the mean temperature in degrees cee, there wasn’t a woman for five hundred kilometers in any direction, and the base commander was a homicidal psychotic. Other than that, it was lovely.”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 565-566)

* “This isn’t a good war game, Dad says,” commented Miles. “Not enough random factors and uncontrolled surprises to simulate reality.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 579)

* Mercenaries thrive on other people’s chaos.
** Chapter 7 (p. 580)

* The job was interesting for a week, while he was learning it, mind-numbing after that.
** Chapter 7 (p. 582)

* Geography is the mother of strategy.
** Chapter 7 (p. 584)

* Your “accidents,” I once noticed, have ways of entangling your enemies that are the green envy of mature and careful strategists. Far too consistent for chance, I concluded it had to be unconscious will.
** Chapter 11 (p. 655)

* Yes, well…actual combat…is a lot stupider than I’d imagined. If two groups can cooperate to the incredible extent it takes to meet in battle, why not put in a tenth that effort to talk?
** Chapter 11 (p. 666)

* War is not its own end, except in some catastrophic slide into absolute damnation. It’s peace that’s wanted. Some better peace than the one you started with.
** Chapter 11 (p. 666)

* There is no moral difference between ordering an execution, and carrying it out.
** Chapter 12 (p. 698)

* “The key of strategy, little Vor,” she explained kindly, “is not to choose ''a'' path to victory, but to choose so that ''all'' paths lead to a victory.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 706)

* I may be small, but I screw up big because I’m standing on the shoulders of GIANTS.
** Chapter 13 (p. 707)
** This evokes the statement by [[Newton]]: “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

* “Face like an angel, mind like a rabid mongoose?”&lt;br&gt;Oser’s lips twitched very slightly. “You’ve met her.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 716)

* “Is she pretty?”&lt;br&gt;“Yeah, if you happen to like blond power-mad homicidal maniacs, I suppose she could be quite overwhelming.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 737)

* I don’t think I’m destined to die today. I must be being saved for day after tomorrow.
** Chapter 14 (p. 738)

* “Think of the glory. Think of your reputation. Think how great it’ll look on your next resume.”&lt;br&gt;“On my cenotaph, you mean. Nobody will be able to collect enough of my scattered atoms to bury. You’re going to cover my funeral expenses, son?”&lt;br&gt;“Splendidly. Banners, dancing girls, and enough beer to float your coffin to Valhalla.”&lt;br&gt;Tung sighed. “Make it plum wine to float the boat, eh? Drink the beer.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 742)

* ''It could be worse'' was always an unassailable assertion.
** Chapter 14 (p. 746)

* “Damn,” said Elena in a hushed voice. “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were Mad Yuri’s understudy. The look on your face…am I reading too much into all that innuendo, or did you in fact just connive to assassinate Gregor in one breath, offer to cuckold him in the next, accuse your father of homosexuality, suggest a patricidal plot against him, and league yourself with Cavilo—what are you going to do for an encore?”&lt;br&gt;“Depends on the straight lines. I can hardly wait to find out,” Miles panted. “Was I convincing?”&lt;br&gt;“You were ''scary.”''&lt;br&gt;“Good.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 768)

* ''Rule 1: Only overrule the tactical computer if you know something it doesn’t. Rule 2: The tac comp always knows more than you do.''
** Chapter 16 (p. 787)

* Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
** Chapter 17 (p. 806)
** This evokes a statement in “Death of a Hired Man” by [[Robert Frost]]: “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”

* Beware of wishing for justice. You might get it.
** Chapter 17 (p. 811)

* She could be the only person on Barrayar to automatically put Gregor the man before Gregor the emperor. All our ranks look like optical illusions to her, I think.
** Chapter 17 (p. 818)

* “I’m afraid of power…” Gregor’s voice went low, contemplative.&lt;br&gt;“You aren’t afraid of power, you’re afraid of hurting people. If you wield that power,” Miles deduced suddenly.&lt;br&gt;“Huh. Close guess.”&lt;br&gt;“Not dead-on?”&lt;br&gt;“I’m afraid I might enjoy it. The hurting.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 820)

* The arrow of justice flies one way.
** Chapter 17 (p. 820; parodied on the next page as “The cream pie of justice flies one way.”)

* He leaned forward to put his elbows on the comconsole, and lace his fingers together, and regarded Miles with a kind of clinical disapproval, as if he were a data point that messed up the curve, and Illyan was deciding if he could still save the theory by re-classifying him as experimental error.
** Chapter 17 (pp. 822-823)

* “Ensign Vorkosigan,” Illyan sighed. It seems you still have a little problem with subordination.”&lt;br&gt;“I know, sir. I’m sorry.”&lt;br&gt;“Do you ever intend to do anything about it besides feel sorry?”&lt;br&gt;“I can’t help it, sir, if people give me the wrong orders.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 823)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Cetaganda|Cetaganda]]'' (1996)====
[[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And the reverse.]]
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, Baen Books, 1st printing (October 1996), {{ISBN|0-671-87744-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''Hi, I’m a hero, but I can’t tell you why. It’s classified.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* “Hands are to be hired. Design is the test of the intellect.”&lt;br&gt;“I must disagree. In my experience, hands are integral with brains, almost another lobe for intelligence. What one does not know through one’s hands, one does not truly know.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 36)

* “Do me the honor of grasping that I may just possibly know what I’m doing!” ''I wish to hell I knew what I was doing.'' Intuition was nothing but the subconscious processing of subliminal clues, he was fairly sure, but ''I feel it in my bones'' made too uncomfortably thin a public defense for his actions.
** Chapter 4 (p. 58)

* All in all, it was probably a good thing these youths had no political interests. They were just the sort of people who started revolutions but could not finish them, their idealism betrayed by their incompetence.
** Chapter 5 (p. 80)

* He knew now why they called it “falling in love.” There was the same nauseating vertigo of free fall, the same vast exhilaration, the same sick certainty of broken bones upon impact with a rapidly rising reality.
** Chapter 5 (p. 89)

* “No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.” ''Not when the enemy is me.''
** Chapter 6 (p. 98)
** This includes a common paraphrase of a statement which originates with military strategist Field Marshall [[Helmuth von Moltke]]: ”No plan of operations extends with any certainty beyond the first contact with the main hostile force.”

* “I made up a lot of instant barbarian folklore—I told ’em a Vor prides himself on self-control, that it’s not considered polite on Barrayar for a man to, you know, before his lady has. Three times. It was considered insulting to her. I stroked, I rubbed, I scratched, I recited poetry, I nuzzled and nibbled and—cripes, my fingers are cramped.” His speech was a bit slurred, too, Miles noticed. “I thought they’d ''never'' fall asleep.” Ivan paused; a slow smirk displaced the snarl on his face. “But they were smiling, when they finally did.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 104)

* “Connection? What possible connection?”&lt;br&gt;“We are the connection, Ivan. A couple of Barrayaran backcountry boys come to the big city, and ripe for the plucking. Somebody is using us. And I think somebody... has just made a major mistake in his choice of tools.” Or fools.
** Chapter 6

* “So use your initiative!”&lt;br&gt;“I don’t have initiative. ''I'' follow orders, thank you. It’s much safer.”&lt;br&gt;“Fine, I ''order'' you to use your initiative.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 162)

* Vorreedi stated dangerously, “I am not a mushroom, Lieutenant Vorkosigan.”&lt;br&gt;To be kept in the dark and fed on horseshit, right. Miles sighed inwardly.
** Chapter 11 (p. 199)

* Rian seemed less and less like a damsel in distress all the time. In fact, he was beginning to wonder if he was trying to rescue the dragon.
** Chapter 12 (p. 217)

* In my experience, milady, we can never get back to exactly where we started, no matter how hard we try.
** Chapter 12 (p. 222)

* Lord X was a tyrant, not a revolutionary. He wanted to take over the system, not change it.
** Chapter 13 (p. 226)
 
* ''You can’t give power away and keep it simultaneously.'' Except posthumously.
** Chapter 13 (p. 226)

* Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And the reverse.
** Chapter 13 (p. 231)

* Vorreedi, Miles reminded himself, was Intelligence, not Counter-intelligence; curiosity, not paranoia, was his driving force.
** Chapter 13 (p. 236)

* “The best strategies run on rails like that.” Miles pointed out. “Live or die, you make your goal.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 281)

* “How did your mother cope, Lord Vorkosigan?”&lt;br&gt;“You mean, being an egalitarian Betan and all? No problem. She says egalitarians adjust to aristocracies just fine, as long as they get to be the aristocrats.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “Do you know what this is, Lord Vorkosigan?” Giaja asked.&lt;br&gt;Miles eyed the medallion of the Order of Merit on its colored ribbon, glittering on a bed of velvet. “Yes, sir. It is a lead weight, suitable for sinking small enemies. Are you going to sew me into a silk sack with it, before you throw me overboard?”
** Chapter 16 (p. 289)

* “Good luck,” snorted Ivan.&lt;br&gt;“Luck is something you make for yourself, if you want it.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 301)

====''[[w:Ethan of Athos|Ethan of Athos]]'' (1986)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback first edition, 1st printing, {{ISBN|0-671-65604-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Women. Uterine replicators with legs, as it were.
** Chapter 3 (p. 34)

* The rest of the universe was disappointing at first glance.
** Chapter 3 (p. 35)

* Some places have religion. Here we have safety drills.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* There are always survivors at a massacre. Among the victors, if nowhere else.
** Chapter 4 (p. 54)

* As long as I’m going to commit a crime, let it be a perfect one.
** Chapter 4 (p. 62)

* Quinn ignored the admonition with a verve bordering, Ethan thought, on the anti-social.
** Chapter 5 (p. 71)
 
* Life with women did not just induce strange behavior, it appeared; it induced ''very'' strange behavior.
** Chapter 6 (p. 96)

* Innocence might be bliss, but ignorance was demonstrably hell.
** Chapter 6 (p. 97)

* A fool is twice a fool who tries to conceal it.
** Chapter 9 (p. 141)

* Ethan had never found himself clinging to a cusp of human history. The trouble with the position, he found, was that in whatever direction you looked there fell away a glassy, uncontrollable slide down to a strange future you would then have to live in. He had never wanted to pray more, nor been less sure that it would do any good.
** Chapter 10 (p. 152)

* “The probabilities would now seem to lean that way,” agreed Millisor. “I doubt everything, you see.”&lt;br&gt;Ethan thought this over. “Encountering the truth must be horribly confusing for you, then.”&lt;br&gt;Millisor’s lips twitched dryly. “Fortunately, it happens very seldom.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 185)

* Do not mistake charm for virtue.
** Chapter 12 (p. 188)

* Curiosity is not a theological virtue.
** Chapter 14 (p. 214)

* “I was just a little taken aback. That—that wasn’t the proposition I was expecting, is all. Excuse me. I fear I am become incurably low-minded.”&lt;br&gt;“You can’t help that, I’m sure,” Ethan said tolerantly. “Being female, and all that.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 216)

* Change is a function of time and experience, and time is implacable.
** Chapter 14 (p. 217)

===='' [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Labyrinth]]'' (1989)====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the August 1989 issue of [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog Science Fiction and Fact]], and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''If you can’t be seven feet tall, be seven feet smart.''
** p. 106

* “Some party,” commented Bel. “I went to a pet show with an atmosphere like this once.”
** p. 110

* Miles was no musician, but even he could sense an intensity of passion in the playing that went beyond talent, reaching for genius.
** p. 112

* ''It’s not what you don’t know that’ll hurt you,'' the old saying went. ''It’s what you do know that isn’t so.''
** p. 161

* One maneuvers to the limit, but the golden moment demands action. If you miss it, the gods damn you forever. and vice versa.
** p. 186 

* Devotion to duty, or pragmatic ruthlessness, which was which? He would never know, now.
** p. 194 

* He had his idea-fixee now, and its ramifications and his rage were an effective block against incoming data.
** p. 197

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga|The Borders of Infinity]]'' (1987)====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''Free Lancers'' and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Brocken Spectre at Peak Korzhenevskaya.jpg|thumb|right|Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.]]

* ''How could I have died and gone to hell without noticing the transition?''
** p. 215

* He lay a long time, cradled in pain. He was not sure how long. The illumination from the force dome was even and shadowless, unchanging. Timeless, like eternity. Hell was eternal, was it not? This place had too damn many congruencies with hell, that was certain.
** p. 220

* “The devil can quote scripture, y’know.”&lt;br&gt;''Yes, that was rather what I had in mind…''
** p. 223

* Communication. This lack of word from the outside world might drive even him crazy shortly.&lt;br&gt;It was as bad as prayer, talking to a god who never talked back.
** p. 237

* “All right,” Miles pulled Suegar to his feet, “let’s go preach to the unconverted.”&lt;br&gt;Suegar laughed suddenly. “I had a top kick once who used to say, ‘Let’s go kick some ass,’ in just that tone of voice.”
** pp. 239-240

* Now there’s this about cynicism, Sergeant. It’s the universe’s most supine moral position. Real comfortable. If nothing can be done, then you’re not some kind of shit for not doing it, and you can lie there and stink to yourself in perfect peace.
** p. 241

* “Is this guy for real?”&lt;br&gt;“He thinks he’s faking it,” said Suegar blandly, “but he’s not.”
** p. 243

* “It’s true,” agreed Oliver, “that if your religion failed to deliver a miracle, that a human sacrifice would certainly follow.”&lt;br&gt;“Ah...quite,” Miles gulped. “You are a man of acute insight.”&lt;br&gt;“That’s not an insight,” said Oliver. “That’s a personal guarantee.”
** pp. 243-244

* Let he who is without sin cast the first lure.
** p. 247

* I can’t quit, once I’ve started. I’ve been told I’m pathologically persistent. I ''can’t'' quit.
** p. 248

* Biology is Destiny.
** p. 250

* “Power is better than revenge,” suggested Miles, not flinching before her snake-cold, set face, her hot coal eyes. “Power is a live thing, by which you reach out to grasp the future. Revenge is a dead thing, reaching out from the past to grasp you.”
** p. 254

* Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.
** p. 254

* There is a subtle difference between being a prisoner and being a slave. I don’t mistake either for being free. Neither do you.
** p. 256

* “I have a particular aversion to stalemates. I prefer winning wars to prolonging them.”&lt;br&gt;She sighed, momentarily drained, tired, old. “I’ve been at war a long time, y’know? After a while even losing a war can start to look preferable to prolonging it.”
** p. 261

* “You don’t have any inhibitions at all, do you?”&lt;br&gt;“Not in combat.”
** p. 272

* I hate an enemy who doesn’t make mistakes.
** p. 274

* The loonies who sought a glorious death in battle found it very early on. This rapidly cleared the chain of command of the accumulated fools. The survivors were those who learned to fight dirty, and live, and fight another day, and win, and win, and win, and for whom nothing, not comfort, or security, not family or friends or their immortal souls, was more important than winning. Dead men are losers by definition. Survival and victory. They weren’t supermen, or immune to pain. They sweated in confusion and darkness. (And)…they won.
** p. 296

====''[[w:Brothers in Arms (Bujold novel)|Brothers in Arms]]'' (1989)====
[[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|The man who assumes everything is a lie is at least as mistaken as the one who assumes everything is true.]]
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback first edition, published by Baen Books, 6th printing (September 1999), {{ISBN|0-671-69799-4}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* There are a number of people in the universe I’d be willing to double-cross, but my own wounded aren’t among ’em.
** Chapter 1 (p. 9)

* But at least think about it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being who needed to get laid worse than you do now.
** Chapter 1 (p. 11)

* “You’re pretty damn casual about it.”&lt;br&gt;“Early conditioning. Total strangers trying to kill me make me feel right at home.
** Chapter 1 (p. 13)

* So slight a compression of the lips, and widening of the eyes, to convey so much amusement and contempt.
** Chapter 1 (p. 14)

* The building had a strange hermetically-sealed flavor to it, redolent to Miles’s experienced nose as paranoid security in action. Ah, yes, a planet’s embassy is that planet’s soil. Feels just like home.
** Chapter 1 (p. 15)

* Between justice and genocide there is, in the long run, no middle ground.
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* “If I got assassinated now,” he shrugged helplessly, “my father would kill me.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* What the hell was HQ thinking of? It seemed extraordinarily obtuse even for them.
** Chapter 2 (p. 37)

* I have taken up the art of bonsai for a hobby. The ancient Japanese are said to have worked on a single tree for as long as a hundred years. Or perhaps it only seemed like it.
** Chapter 2 (p. 41)

* “I am not schizoid.” Miles bit off. “A little manic-depressive, maybe,” he admitted in afterthought.&lt;br&gt;Galeni’s lips twitched. “Know thyself.”&lt;br&gt;“We try, sir.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 91)

* “Can you be paranoid about being paranoid?”&lt;br&gt;She smiled sweetly. “If anyone can, it’s you.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 104)
 
* He did not attempt to capture her hands. He did not make a single move that might embarrass them both. Old friends were harder to come by than new lovers.&lt;br&gt;''Oh, my oldest friend.''&lt;br&gt;Still. Always.
** Chapter 5 (p. 105)

* Sociopath therapy was ''invented'' for people like him. No, no. The last person he wants for a character witness is someone who weeks him.
** Chapter 6 (p. 109)

* I’m not responsible for my weird ancestors. Quite the reverse. Exactly the inverse.
** Chapter 6 (p. 114)

* It just happens to be very important to me to win with the hand I was dealt.
** Chapter 6 (p. 118)

* “You have the instincts of a gentleman, Ivan,” said Miles, absorbed in breaking into the coded files. “How did you ever get into security?
** Chapter 7 (p. 126)
 
* Some people would rather drown our domes in blood than learn anything from history. Or learn anything at all.
** Chapter 8 (p. 156)

* He seems to have this strange difficulty grasping that I actually mean what I say.
** Chapter 9 (p. 179)

* The will to be stupid is a very powerful force—
** Chapter 9 (p. 183)

* ''So. This one has never struck a man for real before. Nor killed either, I wager. Oh, little virgin, are you ever in for a bloody deflowering.''
** Chapter 10 (p. 199)
 
* “Power is safety.”&lt;br&gt;“Let me give you a hint,” said Miles. “There is no safety. Only varying states of risk. And failure.”
** Chapter 10 (pp. 200-201)

* You are what you do. Choose again, and change.
** Chapter 10 (p. 202)

* The man who assumes everything is a lie is at least as mistaken as the one who assumes everything is true. If no guarantee can suit you, perhaps the flaw is not in the guarantee, but in you.
** Chapter 10 (p. 203)

* They are the most insidious propagandists ever to cloak self-serving greed with pseudo-patriotism.
** Chapter 10 (p. 203)

* Miles clutched Quinn’s elbow. “Don’t panic.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m not panicking,” Quinn observed, “I’m watching you panic. It’s more entertaining.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 219)

* “No, no, never send interim reports,” said Miles. “Only final ones. Interim reports tend to elicit orders. Which you must then either obey, or spend valuable time and energy evading, which you could be using to solve the problem.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 224)
 
* Permanent justice is well worth a temporary offended protest, I can assure you, Lieutenant.
** Chapter 12 (p. 243)

* “Do you see assassination as an option, sir?”&lt;br&gt;“A compelling one.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 244)

* ''They’re my officers, dammit, not my harem,'' Miles’s thought snarled silently. But no Barrayaran officer of Destang’s age would see it that way. Some attitudes couldn’t be changed; they just had to be outlived.
** Chapter 12 (p. 245)

* And what goes on in the head of a walking dead man? Miles wondered. What personal failure could he possibly fear more than death itself?
** Chapter 13 (p. 255)

* And so men organized themselves for the sake of their technology as they never had for their principles. The sea’s politics were unarguable.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 255-256)
 
* “Security, Lieutenant,” Miles said blandly. “I can’t discuss it even with you.”&lt;br&gt;“Security,” she sniffed, “doesn’t hide as much from Accounting as they think they do.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 262)

* It’s so damned useless! The dead hand of the past goes on jerking the strings by galvanic reflex, and we poor puppets dance—nothing is served, not us, not him, not Komarr…
** Chapter 13 (p. 266)

* “The revolt,” breathed Galen almost to himself, “must not die.”&lt;br&gt;“Even if everybody in it dies? ‘It didn’t work, so let’s do it some more’? In my line of work, they call that military stupidity. I don’t know what they call it in civilian life.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 279)

* “Some stand-offs,” said Galen, “are more equal than others.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 280)

* “You must learn to kill if you expect to survive.”&lt;br&gt;“No you don’t,&quot; Miles put in. &quot;Most people go through their whole lives without killing anybody. False argument.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 283)

* He felt like a man trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle of live pieces, that moved and changed shape at random intervals with tiny malicious giggles.
** Chapter 15 (p. 304)

* Men met energy wave with predictable results.
** Chapter 15 (p. 307)

* Miles had heard weird tales of strange relationships between people and their clones. But then, anyone who deliberately went out and had a clone made must be kinky to start with. Far more interesting to have a child, preferably with a woman who was smarter, faster, and better-looking than oneself; then there was at least a chance for a bit of evolution in the clan.
** Chapter 15 (p. 309)
 
* Still, what d’you expect of the descendants of a colony that started as a hijacker base? Naturally they developed into an aristocracy.
** Chapter 15 (p. 312)

* “At least this should be simpler than our late vacation on Earth,” he said hopefully. “A purely military operation, no relatives, no politics, no high finance. Straight-up good guys and bad guys.”&lt;br&gt;“Great,” said Quinn. “Which are we?”&lt;br&gt;Miles was still thinking about the answer to that one when the fleet broke orbit.
** Chapter 16 (p. 338; closing words)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Mirror Dance|Mirror Dance]]'' (1994)====
[[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|Like integrity, love of life was not a subject to be studied, it was a contagion to be caught. And you had to catch it from someone who had it.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1995 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (March 1995), {{ISBN|0-671-87646-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “I really like this married-couple cover, for travel,” he remarked. “It suits me.” He took a slightly deeper breath. “So we’ve had the honeymoon, why don’t we have the wedding to go with it?”
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* ''Be careful who you pretend to be. You might become it.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 39)

* The medic glance up only to say, “Be sure you get the carotid and not the jugular.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m trying. They’re not color-coded.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 121)

* Realize this, though. Half my genes run through your body, and my selfish genome is heavily evolutionarily pre-programmed to look out for its copies. The other half is copied from the man I admire most in all the worlds and time, so my interest is doubly riveted. The artistic combination of the two, shall we say, arrests my attention.
** Chapter 12 (p. 211)

* I grant you he’s a genius, but don’t you dare try to tell me he’s sane.
** Chapter 12 (p. 216)

* Don’t attempt to camouflage your real blame by taking more than your share.
** Chapter 12 (p. 217)

* “You’re scaring him, dear’” the Countess remarked.&lt;br&gt;“On ''that'' topic, paranoia is the key to good health,” said the count ruefully.
** Chapter 12 (p. 220)

* “It’s important that someone celebrate our existence,” she objected amiably. “People are the only mirror we have to see ourselves in. The domain of all meaning. All virtue, all evil, are contained only in people. There is none in the universe at large. Solitary confinement is a punishment in every human culture.”
** Chapter 13 (pp. 226-227)

* Lady Peace is the first hostage taken when economic discomfort rises.
** Chapter 13 (p. 237)

* I don’t confuse greatness with perfection. To be great anyhow is…the higher achievement.
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “I swear,” Mark whispered, “excess suspicion makes us bigger fools than excess trust does.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 333)

* I do think, half of what we call madness is just some poor slob dealing with pain by a strategy that annoys the people around him.
** Chapter 18 (p. 344)

* If anyone was sane here, he swore it was by accident.
** Chapter 23 (p. 422)

* I don’t know what passion he inspires in you—were you lovers? You’d be amazed how many people have clones made for that purpose.
** Chapter 24 (p. 443)

* His taste for heavily-armed girlfriends did have potential drawbacks.
** Chapter 25 (p. 459)

* ''Never give aversion therapy to a masochist. The results are unpredictable.''
** Chapter 26 (p. 460)

* You can tell you’re alive when somebody touches you back.
** Chapter 27 (p. 467)

* He had looked forward to making posthumous reports to Illyan. Now he wondered if he was going to live long enough.
** Chapter 27 (p. 477)

* They hesitated. Ah, the downside of perfect obedience: crippled initiative.
** Chapter 29 (p. 495)
 
* It wasn’t, he swore, that he picked up so many women. Compared to Ivan, he was practically celibate. It was just that he never put any ''down.'' The accumulation could become downright embarrassing, over a long enough time-span.
** Chapter 30 (p. 522)

* Sometimes, insanity is not a tragedy. Sometimes, it’s a strategy for survival. Sometimes...it’s a triumph.
** Chapter 31 (p. 533)

* Lilly had promised him that her stimulants would buy him six hours of coherence, after which the metabolic bill would be delivered by hulking bio-thugs with spiked clubs, virtual repo-men for his neurotransmitter debt.
** Chapter 31 (p. 535)

* Their good fortune, Mark decided, was divided exactly fifty-fifty; Miles got the good luck, and he got the rest.
** Chapter 31 (p. 539)

* Yet being beaten by your student was the ultimate victory, for a teacher.
** Chapter 32 (pp. 550-551)

* I don’t regret knowing myself, ma’am. I don’t even regret…''being'' myself.
** Chapter 33 (p. 554)

* Mother Nature gives a sense of romance to young people, in place of prudence, to advance the species. It’s a trick—that makes us grow.
** Chapter 33 (p. 555)

====''[[w:Memory (Bujold novel)|Memory]]'' (1996)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 1997 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] and the 1998 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 6th printing (August 2011), {{ISBN|0-671-87845-X}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses (except as noted) as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|right|The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart.]]

* ''I wouldn’t be lying. I’d just be editing my report for length.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 16)

* It wasn’t fair, for people to go and change on him, while his back was turned being dead. To change without giving notice, or even asking permission.
** Chapter 2 (p. 22)

* You can’t just…ignore them out of existence though apparently that’s exactly what you’ve been attempting.
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* Well, if you couldn’t be good, at least you could be ''discreet.''
** Chapter 3 (p. 31)

* She’d have no objection to the principle of the thing, but she didn’t exactly approve of the military. She didn’t exactly disapprove, either; she just made it plain that she thought there were better things for intelligent human beings to do with their lives.
** Chapter 3 (p. 39)

* Self-sedation seemed to require more alcohol than it used to, a problem easily remedied.
** Chapter 4 (p. 55)

* “How come they promoted you before me? Who the hell have you been sleeping with?” boiled off of Miles’s lips before he could bite it back down. He hadn’t meant his tone of voice to come out quite that harsh.&lt;br&gt;Ivan shrugged, smirking. “I do my job. And I do it without going around bending all the rules into artistic little origami, shapes, either.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 80)

* Well, good going with your captaincy. I know you worked for it, even though you pretend not to.
** Chapter 6 (p. 81)

* “If you can’t win, change the game.”&lt;br&gt;Ivan twitched a brow upward. “If there’s no game, isn’t winning a pretty meaningless concept?”
** Chapter 6 (p. 81)

* Was winning all he really wanted? Or did he still want also to be ''seen'' to have won? And by whom? 
** Chapter 6 (p. 82)

* ''It was never what I wanted to buy that held my heart’s hope. It was what I wanted to be.''
** Chapter 8 (p. 110)

* How could you be a Great Man if history brought you no Great Events, or brought you to them at the wrong time, too young, too old? ''Too damaged.''
** Chapter 8 (p. 111)

* “‘Most men,’” he quoted, “‘are of naught more use in their lives but as machines for turning food into shit.’”&lt;br&gt;Ivan cocked an eyebrow at him. “Who said that? Your grandfather?”&lt;br&gt;“[[Leonardo da Vinci]],” Miles returned primly. But was compelled to add, “Grandfather quoted it to me, though.”
** Chapter 8 (pp. 116-117)

* The last thing a monster wanted was a fellow to follow him around all day long with a mirror.
** Chapter 8 (p. 117)

* Ordinary men and women…die every day. For all sorts of reasons, from random chance to inexorable time. Death is not an Imperial monopoly.
** Chapter 9 (pp. 131-132)

* “You go on. You just go on. There’s nothing more to it, and there’s no trick to make it easier. You just go on.”&lt;br&gt;“What do you find on the other side? When you go on?”&lt;br&gt;She shrugged. “Your life again. What else?”&lt;br&gt;“Is that a promise?”&lt;br&gt;She picked up a pebble, fingered it, and tossed it into the water. The moon-lines bloomed and danced. “It’s an inevitability. No trick. No choice. You just go on.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 158)

* General. Prudence is one thing. Paranoia that can’t tell friend from foe is quite another.
** Chapter 14 (p. 201)

* The trouble with synopsized information was that it was always so nebulous. The devil was in the details, the raw data; embedded therein were all the tiny clues that fed the intuition demon until it became strong and fat and, sometimes, grew up to become an actual Theory, or even a Proof.
** Chapter 15 (p. 206)

* Suicide wasn’t an option for me anymore, I found. Not like good old adolescent angst. I’m no longer of the secret opinion that death will somehow overlook me if I don’t do something personally about it. And give life…it seems stupid not to make the most of what I do have. Not to mention deucedly ungrateful.
** Chapter 20 (p. 297)

* ''Never argue with a pedant over nomenclature. It wastes your time and annoys the pedant.''
** Chapter 21 (p. 306)

* Their excitement was dampened by a genuine concern for their daughter’s safety and personal happiness, though they are certainly as puzzled how this is to be achieved as any other set of parents.
** Chapter 21 (p. 318)

* I despise internal investigations. Even if you win, you lose.
** Chapter 22 (p. 335)

* “What are you ''doing?”'' the Countess asked.…&lt;br&gt;“Just…wrestling with temptation.”&lt;br&gt;Illyan’s voice came back, amused. “Who’s winning?”&lt;br&gt;Miles’s eye followed the cracks in the plaster, overhead. His voice came out high and light, on a sigh: “I think…I’m going for the best two falls out of three.”
** Chapter 25 (p. 385; first ellipsis represents elision of two sentences of description)

* His mother had often said, ''When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action.'' She had emphasized the corollary of this axiom even more vehemently: when you desired a consequence you had damned well better take the action that would create it.
** Chapter 25 (pp. 386-7)

* ''I elect to be…myself.''
** Chapter 25 (p. 387)

* If we get straight truth in, ''maybe'' we’ve got half a chance of getting good judgment out. No damn chance otherwise, that’s for sure.
** Chapter 26 (p. 402)

* Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can’t trade for your heart’s desire is your heart.
** Chapter 27 (p. 415)

* I was never a mercenary, not ever. Not for one single minute.
** Chapter 29 (p. 455)

* But I am not my father. I don’t have to repeat his mistakes; I can invent bright-new ones.
** Chapter 29 (p. 457)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Komarr|Komarr]]'' (1998)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first American mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (April 1999), {{ISBN|0-671-57808-1}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “You think he’s a genius?” she said, raising her eyebrows. ''The high Vor twit?”''&lt;br&gt;“I don’t know him quite well enough, yet. But I suspect so, a part of the time.”&lt;br&gt;“Can you be a genius part of the time?”&lt;br&gt;“All the geniuses I ever met were so just part of the time. To qualify, you only have to be great once, you know. Once when it matters.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 39)

* People complaining about their spouses always looked and sounded so ugly.
** Chapter 3 (p. 42)

* ''Power corrupts, but we want energy.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 53)

* “We’ll never know the whole truth, I suppose,” said Venier.&lt;br&gt;Was that supposed to be a concession? “You can be told the whole truth all day long, but if you won’t believe it, then no, I don’t suppose you ever will never know it.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 56)

* Then he had accused her of sleeping with her women friends.&lt;br&gt;That had broken something in her at last, some will to desire his good opinion. How could you argue sense into someone who believed something not because it was true, but because he was an idiot? No amount of panicky protestation or indignant denial or futile attempt to prove a negative was likely to help, because the problem was not in the accused but in the accuser. She began then to believe he was living in a different universe, one with a different set of physical laws, perhaps, and an alternate history. And very different people from the ones she met of the same name. Smarmy doppelgangers all.
** Chapter 5 (pp. 67-68)

* To this day she didn’t know if he taken her disgusted refusal to defend herself for a covert admission of guilt.
** Chapter 5 (p. 68)

* Love was long gone, in her. She got by on a starvation diet of loyalty these days.
** Chapter 5 (p. 68)

* How could you tell the difference between not liking sex, and not liking the only person you’d ever done sex with?&lt;br&gt;Yet she was almost desperate for touch, mere affection untainted by the indignities of the erotic.
** Chapter 5 (p. 69)

* Cynicism did not seem nearly so impressively daring to her now as it had when she was twenty.
** Chapter 5 (p. 72)

* If suspicion was the deadliest possible insult, then trust was always right, even if it was mistaken.
** Chapter 5 (p. 72)

* “Does it seem strange…does it give you a very different view of your parents, to see them on vid?”&lt;br&gt;“No,” he said. “It gives me a very different view of holovids.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 77)

* “They seem more like toys than jewels, but I have to admit, they’re striking.”&lt;br&gt;“Oh, yes, a typical tech toy. High-end this year, everywhere next year, nowhere after that, till the antiquarians’ revival.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 83)

* The laws of physics took precedence over heroic intent for the next couple of seconds.
** Chapter 5 (p. 86)

* Once you had delegated the best people to do a job for you, you had to trust both them and your judgment.
** Chapter 6 (p. 99)

* ''I am not here to vent my feelings. I am here to achieve my goals.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 171)

* At the moment I have very little evidence and lots of theories. I’m itching to reverse the proportions.
** Chapter 12 (p. 204)

* “It’s a brute-force approach,” Miles said apologetically. “And not, alas, quite as simple as a data match.”&lt;br&gt;“That,” murmured Gibbs, “is why enlisted men were invented.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 209)

* ''Real'' expertise, the kind that means you can’t be intimidated or, or…persuaded to go along with something stupid because you think everyone in the universe knows more than you do.
** Chapter 13 (p. 216)

* Aim high. You may still miss the target but at least you won’t shoot your foot off.
** Chapter 13 (p. 217)

* What an obituary. ''When I go down into the ground at last, as God is my judge, I pray my best-beloved may have better to say of me than, “He didn’t hit me.”''
** Chapter 14 (p. 227)

* ''Oh hell. Have you fallen in love with this woman, idiot boy?&lt;br&gt;Um. Yeah.''&lt;br&gt;He’d been falling for days, he realized in retrospect. It was just that he’d finally hit the ground.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 228-229)

* Just like swatting flies with a laser cannon. The aim’s a bit tricky, but it sure takes care of the flies.
** Chapter 15 (p. 250)

* Forward momentum only worked as a strategy if one had correctly identified which was was ''forward.''
** Chapter 16 (p. 268)

* To get the right answer, one must first correctly frame the question.
** Chapter 16 (p. 271)

* We have advanced to new and surprising levels of bafflement.
** Chapter 16 (p. 274)

* She probably felt about matrimony the way Miles felt about needle-grenade launchers.
** Chapter 16 (p. 278)

* Knowledge might not be power, but ignorance was definitely weakness, and so was poverty.
** Chapter 17 (p. 283)

* One’s career might depend solely on one’s own efforts, but marriage was a lottery, and you drew your lot in late adolescence or early adulthood at a point of maximum idiocy and confusion. Perhaps it was just as well. If people were too sensible, the human race might well come to an end. Evolution favored the maximum production of children, not of happiness.
** Chapter 17 (p. 285)

* He consoled himself with the reflection that it was seldom he found himself in company who made him feel this stupid. It was probably good for his soul.
** Chapter 18 (p. 298)

* “Have you determined if it is meant to be a weapon at all?” she said.&lt;br&gt;“We’ve got some very dead people to account for,” Miles pointed out.&lt;br&gt;“That, alas, does not necessarily require a weapon.” Professor Vorthys said. “Carelessness, stupidity, haste, and ignorance are quite as powerfully destructive forces as homicidal intent.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 299)

* People have some very odd illusions about power. Mostly it consists of finding a parade and nipping over to place yourself at the head of the band. Just as eloquence consists of persuading people of things they desperately want to believe. Demagoguery, I suppose, is eloquence sliding to some least moral energy level.
** Chapter 18 (p. 302)

* ''If you could go back in time and change things…''&lt;br&gt;The only moment in time you could change things was the elusive ''now,'' which slipped through your fingers as fast as you could think about it.
** Chapter 18 (p. 304)

* The hostage game is a bad game, a sad and ugly game that’s a lot easier to start than end. The worst versions I’ve seen ended up with neither side in control, or getting anything they wanted. And the people who stand to lose the most in it frequently aren’t even playing.
** Chapter 20 (p. 340)

* He's not even a mad scientist. He's merely a very upset engineer.
** Chapter 20

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#A Civil Campaign|A Civil Campaign]]'' (1999)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first American mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (August 2000), {{ISBN|0-671-57885-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:SF Japanese Garden.JPG|thumb|right|A hundred objective measurements didn't sum the worth of a garden; only the delight of its users did that. Only the use made it mean something.]]

* “I’m planning my course work for the next session at university. I was too late to start this summer, so I’ll begin in the fall. There’s so much to choose from. I feel so ignorant.”&lt;br&gt;“Educated is what you aim to be coming out, not going in.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 7)

* The parents of the preceding generation had taken galactic sex-selection technologies much too far in their foolish passion for male heirs, and the very sons they’d so cherished—Miles’s contemporaries—had inherited the resulting mating mess. Go to any formal party in Vorbarr Sultana these days, and you could practically taste the damned testosterone in the air, volatilized by the alcohol no doubt.
** Chapter 1 (p. 12)

* He couldn’t make this go faster by pushing harder.
** Chapter 1 (p. 12)

* Then time ran out—no. Time ran on. There was no end to time. ''But you come to the end of yourself, and time runs on, and leaves you.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* “Why are you ''here,'' Ivan?” He added under his breath, “and why couldn’t three bodyguards keep you out? Do I have to give orders to shoot to kill?”&lt;br&gt;“My strength is great because my cause is just,” Vorpatril informed him. “My mother has sent me with a list of chores for you as long as my arm. With footnotes.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 29)

* I’ve seen planetary invasion plans less complex than what’s being booted about for this Imperial Wedding.
** Chapter 1 (p. 33)

* I propose a treaty. You can have all the rest of the women in the universe. I just want this one.
** Chapter 1 (p. 35)

* He must not be in one of his voluble moods. Either you can’t turn him on or can’t turn him off. Well, if there was a choice, taciturn was probably safer for the innocent bystanders than spring-wound.
** Chapter 1 (p. 36)

* Mark had a Thing about Miles. ''Thing'' was not accepted psychoscientific terminology, she’d been informed by his twinkling therapist, but there was scarcely another term with the scope and flexibility to take in the whole complexity of the…Thing.
** Chapter 2 (p. 42)

* You had to admire their honesty. No wonder they did so well at the sciences.
** Chapter 2 (p. 43)

* “I thought he was a bit creepy.”&lt;br&gt;Kareen stiffened. ''If you’d been cloned a slave, raised by terrorists to be a murderer, trained by methods tantamount to physical and psychological torture, and had to kill people to escape, you’d likely seem a little creepy too. If you weren’t a twitching puddle.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 45)

* Kareen was by no means sure Mark was a potential husband. He was still working his heart out on becoming a potential human being.
** Chapter 2 (p. 46)

* She’d made it clear that Things Would Be Done Properly.&lt;br&gt;The problem came in defining the term ''Properly.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 54)

* Oh yes. This was going to do well. If there was one thing Tsipis appreciated, it was a quick study. Ekaterin was one of those ''show once'' people whom Miles, in his mercenary days, had found more precious than unexpected oxygen in the emergency reserve.
** Chapter 3 (p. 75)

* You couldn’t be that good and not know it, somewhere in your secret heart, however much you’d been abused into affecting public humility.
** Chapter 3 (p. 75)

* My brother has this bad little habit of editing his version of reality to fit his audience.
** Chapter 5 (p. 114)

* Miles was plenty expressive too, in his own unreliable way. Half of it was horseshit, but you were never sure which half.
** Chapter 5 (p. 126)

* All Mark knew was that if it came down to a choice between Kareen and oxygen, he’d prefer to give up oxygen, thanks.
** Chapter 5 (p. 126)

* “No money, but she’s beautiful, and her blood lines are impeccable.”&lt;br&gt;“Are you choosing a wife, or buying a horse?”
** Chapter 5 (p. 127)

* “He told Mark he’s courting her in secret,” Martya put in to the Vorbrettens. “It’s a secret ''from'' her. We’re all still trying to figure that one out.”&lt;br&gt;“Is the entire city party to my private conversations?” Miles snarled. “I’m going to strangle Mark.”&lt;br&gt;Martya blinked at him with manufactured innocence. “Kareen had it from Mark. ''I'' had it from Ivan. Mama had it from Gregor. And Da had it from Pym. If you’re trying to keep a secret, Miles, why are you going around telling everyone?”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 151-152)

* If you’re just now finding out that this world is unjust, well, you’re behind the times.
** Chapter 6 (p. 154)

* You have to be careful who you let define your ''good.''
** Chapter 7 (p. 163)

* For her, this was a metaphor, he reminded himself. Though maybe he was a metaphor too, inside his head with the Black Gang. A metaphor gone metastatic. Metaphors could do that, under enough pressure.
** Chapter 7 (p. 163)

* I could be a virgin again. What a dreadful thought.
** Chapter 7 (p. 175)

* It is always easier to get forgiveness than permission.
** Chapter 7 (p. 182)
** This seems to be derived from a statement attributed to Rear Admiral [[Grace Hopper]], and which she regularly used in her public addresses: “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”

* When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all.
** Chapter 10 (p. 246)

* You don’t pay back your parents. You can’t. The debt you owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down in turn. It’s a sort of entailment. Or if you don’t have children of the body, it’s left as a debt to your common humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed by one.
** Chapter 10 (p. 247)

* “There’s something to that in both directions,” said Ekaterin mildly. “Nothing is more guaranteed to make one start acting like a child than to be treated like one. It’s so infuriating. It took me the longest time to figure out how to stop falling into that trap.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, exactly,” said Kareen eagerly. “You understand! So—how did ''you'' make them stop?”&lt;br&gt;“You can’t make them—whoever your particular ''them'' is—do anything, really,” said Ekaterin slowly. “Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste…years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are ''good enough.'' No. You have to just…take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, ''I’m sorry you feel like that,'' and walk away. But that’s hard.”
** Chapter 11 (pp. 267-268)

* “Heavens, Kareen, you don’t have to pay me—”&lt;br&gt;''“Never,”'' said Kareen with passion, “ever suggest they don’t have to pay you. What they pay for, they’ll value. What they get for free, they’ll take for granted, and then demand as a right. Hold them up for all the market will bear.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 273)

* She wondered when ''not dull'' had become her prime criterion for mate selection.
** Chapter 11 (p. 281)

* ''I wanted to give you a victory. But by their essential nature triumphs can’t be given. They must be taken and the worse the odds and the fiercer the resistance, the greater the honor. Victories can’t be gifts.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 282)

* He lived, therefore he learned.
** Chapter 12 (p. 305)

* Lately I have come to believe that the principal difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there.
** Chapter 13 (p. 327)

* “Is there anything else I can do for you, Madame Vorsoisson?” Illyan called after her, as she stood outside to let Nikki exit.&lt;br&gt;She leaned back toward him to breathe venomously, “Yes. ''Hang'' Vormoncrief.”&lt;br&gt;He offered her a sincere salute. “I shall do my humble best, Madame.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 335)

* “So…d’you like him? Or not?”&lt;br&gt;''Like'' was surely not an adequate word for this hash of delight and anger and longing, this profound respect laced with profound irritation, all floating on a dark pool of old pain. The past and the future, at war in her head. “I don’t know. Some of the time I do, yes, very much.”&lt;br&gt;Another long pause. “Are you in love with him?”&lt;br&gt;What Nikki knew of adult love, he’d mostly garnered off the holovid. Part of her mind readily translated this question as code for, ''Which way are you going to jump, and what will happen to me?'' And yet…he could not share or even imagine the complexity of her romantic hopes and fears, but he certainly knew how such stories were supposed to Come Out Right.&lt;br&gt;“I don’t know. Some of the time. I think.”&lt;br&gt;He favored her with his Big People Are Crazy look. In all, she could only agree.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 346-347)

* “Now, you had that doctorate in Barrayaran history. Do any really interesting District succession squabbles spring to your memory?”&lt;br&gt;“Lord Midnight the horse,” Galeni replied at once. “Who always voted ‘neigh.’”
** Chapter 14 (p. 349)

* He carefully ignored his simmering fury. Rage had no place in this. Calculation and implacable action did.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 351-352)

* Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
** Chapter 15 (p. 386; see also p. 426)

* There is no more hollow feeling than to stand with your honor shattered at your feet while soaring public reputation wraps you in rewards. ''That’s'' soul-destroying. The other way around is merely very, very irritating.
** Chapter 15 (p. 387)

* “No,” said his father, “you don’t have to smile. But if you’re really asking for advice from my accumulated experience, I’m saying Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 389)

* “Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you’ll be so close as to be living inside each other’s skins. So…''is'' this Ekaterin another passing fancy?” The Count hesitated, his eyes crinkling. “Or is she the one who ''will'' love my son forever and fiercely—hold his household and estates with integrity—stand beside him through danger, and dearth, and death—and guide my grandchildren’s hands when they light my funeral offering?”
** Chapter 15 (p. 392)

* “You? I know you! You trust beyond reason.”&lt;br&gt;She met his eyes steadily. “Yes. It’s how I get results beyond hope. As you may recall.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 416)

* Gardens were meant to be seen, smelled, walked through, grubbed in. A hundred objective measurements didn’t sum the worth of a garden; only the delight of its users did that.
** Chapter 17 (p. 423)

* A tactical retreat is not a bad response to a surprise assault, you know. First you survive. Then you choose your own ground. ''Then'' you counterattack.
** Chapter 17 (p. 426)

* The trouble with oaths of the form, ''death before dishonor,'' is that eventually, given enough time and abrasion, they separate the world into just two sorts of people: the dead, and the forsworn.
** Chapter 17 (pp. 427-428)

* Even love is not as strong as habit, eh?
** Chapter 17 (p. 428)

* How ''can'' you stand me? I can’t even stand me.
** Chapter 17 (p. 429)

* He smiled, recapturing her hand. “A very wise woman once told me—you just go on. I’ve never encountered any good advice that didn’t boil down to that, in the end. Not even my father’s.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 430)

* Government by thugs in the Bloody Centuries gave Barrayar many colorful historical incidents, suitable for high drama. I don’t think it’s a drama we wish to return to in real life.
** Chapter 19 (p. 491)

* “So much for ''that'' line of reasoning, Lord Richars,” Ekaterin finished. She sat back with a hand-dusting gesture, and added, by no means under her breath, ''“Twit.”''
** Chapter 19 (p. 495)

* If power was an illusion, wasn’t weakness necessarily one also?
** Epilogue (p. 530)

* Roots grow deep in the dark.
** Epilogue (p. 534)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#&quot;Winterfair Gifts&quot; (novella)|Winterfair Gifts]]'' (2004)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books trade paperback omnibus ''Miles in Love'' {{ISBN|978-1-4165-5547-6}} 1st printing, February 2008 &lt;/small&gt;

* “When he invited me to one for the Winterfair season, I wasn’t sure if it was hunting or social, and whether I should pack weapons or dresses.”&lt;br&gt;Lady Vorpatril’s smile sharpened. “Dresses ''are'' weapons, my dear, in sufficiently skilled hands.”
** p. 808

* “I am a bodyguard by trade,” she said, evidently continuing a conversation with Lady Vorpatril. “How can I kick someone’s teeth in wearing this?”&lt;br&gt;“A woman wearing ''that'' suit, my dear, will have volunteers to kick in annoying persons’ teeth for her,” said Lady Alys.
** p. 809

* Life’s uncertain out there. Things can go down bad, fast, anytime. We all just get a time, in our different ways.
** p. 822

* “What would you do? If you discovered or suspected such a horror?”&lt;br&gt;His lips twisted. “That’s a tough one. A higher honor must underlie ours, the count says. We can’t ever obey unthinkingly.”&lt;br&gt;“Huh. That’s what Miles says, too. Is that where he got it, from his father?”&lt;br&gt;“I shouldn’t be surprised. M’lord’s brother Mark says integrity is a disease, and you can only catch it from someone who has it.”
** p. 836 

* Your talent for making interesting new enemies has evidently not deserted you.
** p. 845

* I’d have worn them as a courtesy to your friend...I’ll wear them now as a defiance to our enemies.
** p. 847; ellipsis represents elision of three sentences of description

* ''Taura nailed it. She'll do for m'lord, all right. And God help their enemies.''
** p. 853

====''[[w:Diplomatic Immunity (novel)|Diplomatic Immunity]]'' (2002)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2003 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (June 2003), {{ISBN|0-7434-3612-1}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Full Spectrum Team Waving.jpg|thumb|right|If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back.]]

* ''I smell diplomacy.'' Miles grimaced.
** Chapter 1 (p. 4)

* Military intelligence was as nothing to military stupidity.
** Chapter 2 (p. 32)

* There were security angles, political angles, personal angles—how many angles could dance on the head of a pin?
** Chapter 4 (p. 52)

* “Anyway, he thinks we’re lying. But we’re not. Also, your people are idiots.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes. I know. But they’re ''my'' idiots.
** Chapter 4 (p. 57)

* What is it about you people who run sexually segregated fleets that makes you all disembark insane? No, don’t bother answering that, I think we all know. But the all-male military organizations who have that custom for religious or cultural reasons all come onto station leave like some horrible combination of kids let out of school and convicts let out of prison. The worst of both, actually—the judgment of children combined with the sexual deprivation of—never mind.
** Chapter 4 (p. 58)

* There is a great deal of sanity to be saved in letting the past go, and moving on.
** Chapter 4 (p. 64)

* “I will consider this contention,” said Greenlaw dryly, with the ''For about ten seconds, after which I shall toss it out the nearest airlock'' hanging unspoken.
** Chapter 5 (p. 74)

* If you make it plain you like people, it’s hard for them to resist liking you back.
** Chapter 5 (p. 88)

* ''Yet if the truth doesn’t serve us, what does that say about us, eh?''
** Chapter 7 (p. 107)

* The dead cannot cry out for justice; it is a duty of the living to do so for them.
** Chapter 7 (p. 113)

* He was borrowing trouble, reasoning in advance of his data.
** Chapter 17 (p. 319)

* ''There’s nothing like the threat of imminent death to force one to delegate.''
** Chapter 17 (p. 332)

* “Not ''treason,”'' haut Pel objected faintly. “As such.”&lt;br&gt;“Unsanctioned unilateral redesign, then.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 348)

* He stared at the two bundles more than filling his lap in a kind of cosmic amazement.&lt;br&gt;“We ''did'' it,” he muttered to Ekaterin, now perching on the chair arm. “Why didn’t anybody stop us? Why aren’t there more regulations about this sort of thing? What fool in their right mind would put ''me'' in charge of a baby? Two babies?”
** Epilogue (p. 366)

* He had been the end point of human evolution. At this moment he abruptly felt more like a missing link. ''I thought I knew everything. Surely I knew nothing.'' How had his own life become such a surprise to him, so utterly rearranged? His brain had whirled with a thousand plans for these tiny lives, visions of the future both hopeful and dire, funny and fearful. For a moment, it seemed to come to a full stop. ''I have no idea who these two people are going to be.''
** Epilogue (p. 366)

====''{{w|Captain Vorpatril's Alliance}}'' (2012)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2013 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (September 2014), {{ISBN|978-1-4767-3698-3}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* How many details had to point in the same direction before one decided they pointed true? ''Depends on how costly it is to be mistaken, maybe?''
** Chapter 1 (p. 21)

* Puzzles. ''I hate puzzles.'' Ivan liked flowcharts—nice and clear and you could always tell just where you were and what you should do next, everything laid out neatly. No ambiguities. No traps. Why couldn’t life be more like flowcharts?
** Chapter 7 (p. 157)

* So far from a trudge, she seemed to find the task tolerably amusing.&lt;br&gt;“Oh, ''languages'' aren’t work,” she explained cheerily. “They’re a game. Now, ''economics,'' that’s boring.” 
** Chapter 8 (pp. 175-176)

* Just because I have forgotten so many old enemies does not mean they have forgotten me.
** Chapter 9 (p. 196)

* And in her way, I suppose, she loved us, and naturally wanted us to have this great thing she'd found, too. Except... I wasn't her. It was like... if she could just fix me into being her, then she could shower me with the gifts she so valued.
** Tej describes her mother's relationship to her, Chapter 9

* “What’s a call girl?” asked Tej, her brows crimping in puzzlement.&lt;br&gt;“Uh…” Ivan sought a translation. “Like a Betan licensed practical sexuality therapist, only without the licensed and the therapy parts.” 
** Chapter 11 (p. 229)

* It was not a very original period of my life. I won’t say I fell in with bad company—I more hunted them down.
** Chapter 11 (p. 231)

* As the week wore on, Ivan contemplated the merits of inertia as a problem-solving technique with growing favor.
** Chapter 13 (p. 282)

* “Is that going to be a problem?” said Ivan.&lt;br&gt;“Definitely. I just don’t know what kind, yet. Or whose.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 298)

* The admiral did not invite Ivan to sit, so Ivan took up a prudent sort-of parade rest and waited. Someone would tell him what was going on shortly; they always did, however little he wanted to know.
** Chapter 15 (p. 319)

* It’s been a long time since I wagered so much on a single throw. Though if I’m to revisit the desperation of my youth, I want the body back, too.
** Chapter 15 (p. 337)

* The limits of trust depend much on whether you mean to do business more than once.
** Chapter 20 (p. 442)

* Let’s be sensible and wish for both of us there, while we’re wishing. I mean, it’s not like wishes are ''rationed.''
** Chapter 22 (p. 490)

* Maybe only love gave you ''more'' than what you’d dealt for.
** Chapter 22 (p. 492)

* “You know what I like best about you, Ivan Xav?” she asked, newly shy in her illumination.&lt;br&gt;He turned his chin into her hair in an inquiring sort of way. “My shiny groundcar? My Vorish insouciance? My astounding sexual prowess? My…my mother? Dear God, you’re not taking me for the sake of getting my um-stepfather?”&lt;br&gt;“Well, I do like them both very much, but no. What I like best about you, Ivan Xav, is that you’re ''nice.'' And you make me laugh.” She smiled now, into his shoulder.&lt;br&gt;“That…doesn’t seem like much.” He sounded a bit taken aback.&lt;br&gt;“Yes,” she sighed, “but consider the ''context.”''
** Chapter 22 (p. 492)

* There are two possible ways to solving a dilemma, in justice or elsewhere; begin with the facts, and follow out their logic where it leads one, or begin with the desired outcome, and reason backward to the necessary steps to achieve it.
** Chapter 24 (p. 527)

* The most interesting question of history is always, ''What were these people thinking?''
** Chapter 25 (p. 529)

* No amount of money can make one stay bought. Who does not freely choose to.
** Chapter 24 (p. 540)

* A three-planet empire delivered upset snakes by the basket-load to this man’s office, every damned morning. Yeah—for all the talk of men coveting the emperor’s throne, Ivan had never yet heard anyone speak of coveting his ''desk.''
** Chapter 24 (p. 544)

* “What do you ''see'' in that Barrayaran boy, anyway?” the Baronne asked querulously, dodging back despite Tej’s best efforts. “He just doesn’t seem very ''ambitious.”''&lt;br&gt;“Mm,” said Tej. ''One woman’s defect is another woman’s delight?'' “I suppose…it’s all the things he sees in me.” ''That you don’t.''
** Chapter 25 (p. 551)

* In all, in truth, it was a problem for another day, Ivan decided. When life and chance handed you an afternoon as idyllic as this one promised to be, it seemed profoundly ungrateful not to ''pay attention.''
** Epilogue (p. 573)

==== ''{{w|The Flowers of Vashnoi}}'' (2018)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the hardcover first edition, published by Subterranean Press, {{ISBN|978-1-59606-892-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Everything in the district competes for resources. The best solution is to make more resources.
** p. 26

* “I didn’t know he had days off,” said Enrique, sounding vaguely puzzled. Naturally enough; Enrique didn’t exactly take breaks either, or at least not scheduled ones, his time being divided into days with too many things to do, and days with ''far'' too many things to do—much like her own, Ekaterin reflected ruefully.
** p. 34

* Shooting people to keep them from dying had logical flaws obvious to everyone.
** p. 86

* One couldn’t fix the past, only the present.
** p. 88

* “’S funny. Piotr, toward the end of his life, looked at our district and only saw how much better it was. All the backbreaking, heartbreaking work he did cleaning up the messes after the war is taken for granted now, or mostly just forgotten. Instead, we look around and only see how much better it could be. And neither of us is wrong, exactly.”
** p. 92

* Is it still a victory if you don’t get the credit?
** p. 92

====''[[w:Cryoburn|Cryoburn]]'' (2010)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2011 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 3rd printing (August 2015), {{ISBN|978-1-4516-3750-2}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:F1 grenade.jpg|thumb|right|Old age is slower than a grenade, but a lot more thorough.]]

* ''Only five days on this benighted world, and already total strangers are trying to kill me.''&lt;br&gt;Sadly, it wasn’t even a record.
** Chapter 1 (p. 4)

* Don’t underestimate the viciousness of academics when funding is at stake.
** Chapter 2 (p. 26)

* While not reliable enough to be put in charge of anything more complicated than a dishwasher, they were very easy to convince that all their troubles were someone else’s fault.
** Chapter 2 (p. 34)

* Let me tell you, young man—the dirty little secret of democracy is that just because you get a vote, doesn’t mean you get your choice.
** Chapter 3 (p. 51)

* Yani seemed a time-traveler who had found out the hard way that he did not like his destination any better than his point of departure, failed to notice the one common factor was himself, and now could not go back.
** Chapter 4 (p. 69)

* Misplaced paranoia could be as great a mistake as misplaced faith.
** Chapter 5 (p. 99)

* He supposed he shouldn’t think of it as ''Quick work, my Lord Auditor, from foreplay to coitus in one afternoon.'' But who was being screwed? And why, why, ''why'' was he being bribed?
** Chapter 7 (p. 141) 

* “Old age,” she said, “is slower than a grenade, but a lot more thorough.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 189)

* He didn’t exactly have a plan, yet. More of a stab in the dark. He still wasn’t sure what his blade would connect with…
** Chapter 10 (p. 190)

[[File:Human Spermatozoa, Scanning Electron Micrograph.jpg|left|thumb|One sperm over and we would have been our sisters, and we’d never have been missed.]]
* All the worry people expend over [[afterlife|not existing after they die]], yet nary a one ever seems to spare a moment to worry about not having existed before they were conceived. Or at all. After all, one sperm over and we would have been our sisters, and we’d never have been missed.
** Chapter 11 (pp. 211-212)

* His mystery, it seemed, had just split into two. Mystery mitosis. It seemed a retrograde sort of progress.
** Chapter 12 (p. 224)
 
* He’d underestimated how much work normal healthy children would take, even with all the help his money and position could buy. For there were some tasks you didn’t ''want'' to delegate, because then you’d be missing the best parts.
** Chapter 13 (p. 253)

* History does not so much repeat as echo, I suppose.
** Chapter 13 (p. 257)

* “Never underestimate the human capacity for wishful thinking and willful blindness,” said Miles. Such as a whole society of people who became so wrapped up in avoiding death, they forgot to be alive?
** Chapter 15 (p. 297)

* I expect death will still be cheap and always available, doesn’t take high tech.
** Chapter 18 (p. 345)

* “You’re pretty free with that thing.”&lt;br&gt;“It’s all right. I have a license to stun.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought that was supposed to be a license to kill.”&lt;br&gt;Roic grimaced. “That too. But you would not ''believe'' all the forms that have to be filled out, afterward.”
** Chapter 19 (p. 362)

====''[[w:Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen|Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen]]'' (2016)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 2nd printing (February 2020), {{ISBN|978-1-4814-8289-9}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* She considered ''seventy-six.'' It…made no sense. Except that sometime in the past three years, she had switched from counting her years not up from birth, but back from death—a grab-bag of time not growing, but shrinking, ''use it or lose it.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* So what do you want? Really want, not just think is most prudent. Or worse, think is what ''I'' want.
** Chapter 3 (p. 58)

* If nothing else, the arrival of actual children replaces theory with practice. And time to fret with…lack of time to breathe, sometimes.
** Chapter 3 (p. 59)

* A contractor, ''early?'' Really? Already your tale begins to resemble some drunken hallucination.
** Chapter 3 (p. 66)

* I admit, when I picture the scenario, I keep seeing a boy of about, oh, seven. Age of reason and all that. One I could talk to, and do things with. I’m not sure how you get from the single-cell stage to that one, though.
** Chapter 4 (p. 91)

* Babies are just a challenge. ''Teenagers'' are a nightmare.
** Chapter 4 (p. 92)

* It only takes one nutcase to decide that you, not he, are the reason his life sucks, and set out to even the score. Nutcases are not in short supply here.
** Chapter 8 (p. 177)

* I don’t see people, young or otherwise, as having a ''right'' to be idiots. It’s just impractical to try to stop them, unless they’re hurting somebody, and this sport—extreme art?—does not appear to be lethal.
** Chapter 8 (pp. 186-187)

* ''No, do not let your fears eat the happiness in front of you.'' Or your grief consume your future? That was harder.
** Chapter 12 (p. 273)

* There’s a paradox for you. Although really it’s no more than saying that I’m satisfied with my life. Changing anything would wish people I’ve loved out of existence, and yet…there would have been other people, I suppose. Who now will never be.
** Chapter 12 (p. 293)

* “We used to call the biowar intelligence and analysis section at ImpSec HQ the Nightmare Barn,” Miles reminisced. “In a large building full of pale, overcaffeinated men, they had a reputation as being the pastiest and the twitchiest.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 301)

* “Everybody has it wrong way round. Parents don’t make children—children make parents. They shape our behavior from the first wail. Mold us into what they need. It can be a pretty rough process, too.”&lt;br&gt;Jole’s eyebrows went up. “I’d not thought of it that way.” It seemed a strangely hopeful notion.&lt;br&gt;“Well, believe it. Though my whole life has been on-the-job training—I don’t know why I thought this should be any different.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 380)

* By far the most dangerous animal on the planet was an invasive species of ape.
** Chapter 17 (p. 386)

* Alas, she was dealing with management, not the engineers.
** Chapter 17 (p. 387)

===''The Vorkosigan Companion'' (2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Edited by Lillian Stewart Carl and John Helfers&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lesestunde.jpg|thumb|right|Reading is an active and elusive experience. Every reader, reading exactly the same text, will have a slightly different reading experience...]]

* '''One of the best things about writing is how it redeems, not to mention recycles, all of one's prior experiences, including — or perhaps especially — the failures.'''
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 6

* I have a catchphrase to describe my plot-generation technique — &quot;What's the worst possible thing I can do to these people?&quot;
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 6

* I am increasingly convinced that technological culture is the entire root of women's liberation.
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 8

* '''Parallels, spirals, and reflections are some of my favorite literary patterns.'''
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 20

* '''Reading is an active and elusive experience. Every reader, reading exactly the same text, will have a slightly different reading experience depending on what s/he projects into the words s/he sees, what strings of meaning and association those words call up in his/her (always) private mind.''' One can never therefore, talk about the quality of a book separately from the quality of the mind that is creating it by reading it, in the only place books live, in the secret mind.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, an interview with Lillian Stewart Carl, p. 52

* I have no idea why some of my books draw awards and others&lt;!-- puplished text reads &quot;other&quot; — assumed here to be a transcription error --&gt; don't, except that the ones I spent the least time worrying about other people's response to — that I wrote for myself — seem to do the best of all.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 54

* Not all books are created equal, and for the special ones, you begin to know it sometimes even before the work is finished, but always by the time you slam that last line home and shriek, &quot;Done! Done!,&quot; and fall head-down across your keyboard like the runner from Marathon.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 54

* I've always tried to write the kind of book I most loved to read: character-centered adventure.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 60

* I attack both from the logic-side, scribbling outline after outline, and the long-walk relaxed-[[visualization]]-side, and while neither alone is enough, the combination synergizes. '''Which is just a fancy way of saying, &quot;I think about it a lot, day and night.&quot;'''
** &quot;Publishing, Writing, and Authoring&quot;, p. 67

* From fried witchetty grubs to gold-plated turnips, when you're a writer you never know what's going to appear on your plate next. It keeps a woman alert, it does.
** &quot;Publishing, Writing, and Authoring&quot;, p. 75

=== [[w:World of the Five Gods|World of the Five Gods series]] ===
====''[[w:The Curse of Chalion|The Curse of Chalion]]'' (2000)====
[[File:Arthur B. Davies - Reclining Woman (Drawing), 1911.jpg|thumb|right|If you desire a man to tell you comfortable lies about your prowess, and so fetter any hope of true excellence, I'm sure you may find one anywhere. Not all prisons are made of iron bars. Some are made of feather beds.]]
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I for one find a casual destruction of a man's life even more repugnant than a determined one.]]
[[File:Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg|thumb|right|Ignorance is not stupidity, but it might as well be.]]

* '''If you desire a man to tell you comfortable lies about your prowess, and so fetter any hope of true excellence, I'm sure you may find one anywhere. Not all prisons are made of iron bars. Some are made of feather beds.'''
** p. 58

* Right or wrong, what I also saw was that you made an enemy, and left him alive behind you. Great charity. Bad tactics.
** p. 60

* The joys of command — well, you know. You taught them to me. One part glory to ten parts shoveling manure.
** p. 76

* '''The gods' most savage curses come upon us as answers to our own prayers, you know.'''
** p. 94

* But have you really understood how powerless the gods are, when the lowest slave may exclude them from his heart? And if from his heart, then from the world as well, for the gods may not reach in except through living souls. If the gods could seize passage from anyone they wished, then men would be mere puppets. Only if they borrow or are given will from a willing creature, do they have a little channel through which to act'''.'''
** p. 199

* I think it (i. e., sainthood) is not so much the growth of virtue, as simply the replacement of prior vices with an addiction to one's god.
** p. 224

* He found oddly little regret in his heart for his own lost life. He'd seen more of the world than most men ever did, and he'd had his chances, though the gods knew he'd made little enough of them. Marshaling his thoughts, as he sheltered under his covers, he realized with some wonder that his greatest dismay was for the work he'd be forced to leave undone.
** p. 233

* The confusion of mind you dub honor is a disease.
** p. 282

* '''I for one find a casual destruction of a man's life even more repugnant than a determined one.'''
** p. 292

* Only the saints would joke so about the gods, because it was either joke or scream, and they alone knew it was all the same to the gods.
** p. 313

* '''Ignorance is not stupidity, but it might as well be.'''
** p. 316

* Second sight is redundant to reason anyway.
** p. 328

* &quot;Just what kind of noose are you offering to put round my neck, here? Is this treason?&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Worse,&quot; Cazaril sighed. &quot;Theology.&quot;
** p. 333

* ''Events'' may be horrible or inescapable. ''Men'' have always a choice  -  if not whether, then how, they may endure.
** p. 340

* '''Surely only correct understanding could lead to correct action.'''
** p. 369

* And you could just watch men begin to see what he told them they were seeing, whether it was there or not.
** p. 433

* &quot;Mercy from the Father and the Mother, mercy from the Sister and the Brother, Mercy from the Bastard, five times mercy, High Ones, we beseech you.&quot;… Mercy, High Ones. '''''Not justice, please, not justice. We would all be fools to pray for justice.'''''

* A skilled soldier kills your enemies, but a skilled duelist kills your allies.

*&quot;I don't duel, boy. I kill as a soldier kills, which is as a butcher kills, as quickly, efficiently, and with as least risk to myself as I can arrange. If I decide you die, you will die when I choose, where I choose, by what means I choose, and you will never see the blow coming. (...) I don't duel. But if you seek to die like a bludgeoned steer, cross me again.&quot;

====''[[w:Paladin of Souls|Paladin of Souls]]'' (2003)====
[[File:Fusor running.jpg|thumb|right|The gods give no gifts without hooks embedded.]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|One learns better than to hand one's choices to fear. With age, with every wound and scar, one learns.]]

* The shocked silence that followed was decidedly baffled. And even, possibly, a little thoughtful, if that was not too much to hope.
** p. 31

* ''You can't solve problems by running away from them,'' it was said, and like the good child she had once been, she had believed this. But it wasn't true. '''Some problems could ''only'' be solved by running away from them.'''
** p. 36

* &quot;And the Bastard grant us . . . in our direst need, the smallest gifts: the nail of the horseshoe, the pin of the axle, the feather at the pivot point, the pebble at the mountain's peak, the kiss in despair, the one right word.  In darkness, understanding.&quot;
** p. 44

* The gods...the gods may forgive much, to a truly penitent heart.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Her smile grew bitter as desert brine. &quot;The gods may forgive Ista all day long. But if Ista does not forgive Ista, the gods may go hang themselves.&quot;
** p. 61

* &quot;You must go home eventually.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;I would throw myself off a precipice first, except that I would land in the arms of the gods, Whom I do not wish to see again.&quot;
** p. 61

* '''A stunning first impression was not the same thing as love at first sight. But surely it was an invitation to consider the matter.'''
** p. 125

* The entire center of her life was a blackened waste, its long years not to be recovered nor replaced.
** p. 125

* '''The gods give no gifts without hooks embedded.'''
** p. 157

* ''So, you dragged me here, whichever of You harries me. But you cannot force me through that door. Nor can you open it yourselves. You cannot lift so much as a leaf; bending iron or my will is a task equally beyond your capacities''. They were at a stand, she and the gods.
** p. 168

* I have denied my eyes, both inner and outer. I am not a child, or virgin, or modest wife, fearing to offend. No one owns my eyes now but me. If I have not the stomach by now to look upon any sight in the world, good or evil, beautiful or vile, when shall I? It is far too late for innocence. My only hope is the much more painful consolation of wisdom. Which can grow out of knowledge alone. Give me my true eyes. I want to see. I have to know.
** p. 201

* &quot;I would be considerably more impressed with your god, dy Cabon,&quot; said Ista through her teeth, &quot;if He could have arranged one life's worth of simple protection in advance, rather than three hundred lives' worth of gaudy vengeance afterward.&quot;
** p. 271

* &quot;Such a perilous concentration of demons would create chaos all around it.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;War gathers on these borders,&quot; said Ista. &quot;A greater concentration of chaos I can hardly imagine.&quot;
** p. 281

* He gave me no sign. I was never the sort to receive portents, or to delude myself that I had. Silence was always my portion, in return for my prayers.
** p. 295

* You are a most excellent lawyer, for a dead man.
** p. 296

* '''One learns better than to hand one's choices to fear. With age, with every wound and scar, one learns.'''
** p. 296

* &quot;The gods would take him and leave me bereft, and I curse them!&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;I have cursed them for years,&quot; said Ista dryly. &quot;Turnabout being fair.&quot;
** p. 379

* We are all, every living one of us, doorways between the two realms, that of matter that gives us birth, and that of spirit into which we are born in death.
** p. 385 

* &quot;An hour will suffice. If it is the right hour.&quot;
** p. 396

* &quot;...your soul is your own, now, to make of what you will. We are all of us, every one, our own works: we present our souls to our Patrons at the ends of our lives as an artisan presents the works of his hands.&quot;
** p. 452-453

*One scarcely knows if he would be of more use to us as a hostage, or set loose to be a very bad enemy leader.
** p. 459

====''[[w:The Hallowed Hunt|The Hallowed Hunt]]'' (2005)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the hardcover first edition, published by Eos, {{ISBN|0-06-057462-3}}, 5th printing &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book. &lt;/small&gt;

* Too little payment for a crime, too much for an accident.
** Chapter 1 (p. 6)

* Boleso’s men, Ingrey was reminded, were out of the habit of questioning the sense of their superiors’ orders. Or perhaps it was that any who dared were got rid of, one way or another, and these were the remainder. Residue. ''Scum.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 11)

* “Your pleasure, my lord?” he inquired nervously.&lt;br&gt;''To be anywhere but here, doing anything but this.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* So when Audar the so-called Great slaughtered four thousand Wealding prisoners of war at Bloomfield, it’s said he didn’t pray at all. That made it a proper Quintarian act, I suppose, and not heresy. Some other crime, perhaps, but not human sacrifice. One of those theological fine points.
** Chapter 2 (p. 27)

* It still felt like hauling buckets from a well of memory with a rope that burned his hands.
** Chapter 2 (p. 35)

* Indifference served him quite as well as integrity.
** Chapter 3 (p. 50)

* ''Those who are unwilling to admit error are fated to repeat it?''
** Chapter 4 (p. 57)

* Oswin was the most perfect servant of the Father, always so concerned for figuring out the exact rules and getting himself on the right side of them. Or them on the left side of him.
** Chapter 4 (p. 61)

* I saw no reason to stop my life for other people’s theories.
** Chapter 4 (p. 65)

* All sorts of men had the capacity to kill for the convenience of their betters;  though usually, the only spell required could be fitted in a clinking purse.
** Chapter 5 (p. 84)

* All my life I have prayed, and all my life I have been refused answer. I scarcely believed in the gods anymore, or if I did, it was only to curse them for their indifference. They betrayed my father, who had served Them loyally all his life. They betrayed my mother, or They were powerless to save her, which was as bad or worse. If a god has come to me, He certainly hasn’t come ''for'' me!
** Chapter 6 (p. 103)

* “High court politics,” said Ingrey slowly, “are as godless as anything I know.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 103)

* “And what guidance did you receive for all your prayers, lady?”&lt;br&gt;She bit her lip. “None.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 104)

* &quot;But have you ever overheard two women discussing men? Men are crude liars, comparing their drabs, but women—I'd rather have a Mother's anatomist dissect me alive than to listen to the things the ladies say about us when they think they are alone.&quot;
** Chapter 7 (p. 115)

* It is as much an error to take truth for lies, as lies for truth.
** Chapter 8 (p. 134)

* &quot;It is not, you know, that you lie well, cousin. It’s merely that no one is foolhardy enough to call you on it. This may have given you an inflated idea of your skill at dissimulation.&quot;
** Chapter 8 (p. 136)

* ''I do not know where I am going. But I am quite weary enough of where I’ve been.''
** Chapter 9 (p. 157)

* Magical powers worked sometimes; material powers worked all the time.
** Chapter 12 (p. 218)

* &quot;The gods have no hands in this world but ours. If we fail Them, where then can They turn?&quot;
** Chapter 12 (p. 226) &lt;br&gt; Note: this also appears before chapter one of The Physicians of Vilnoc

* Her lips curved up. “That’s very Ingrey of you, Ingrey. Always look on the dark side.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 255)

* Such corruption feeds on its own success when it meets no correction.
** Chapter 15 (p. 260)

* So much of the uncanny—or the holy, for that matter—is inward experience. As such, testimony about it tends to be tainted. People lie. People delude themselves, or others. People are swayed or frightened or convinced they have seen things they have not. People are, frankly, sometimes simply mad.
** Chapter 15 (pp. 263-264)

* Oh, fine new friends you have—until They betray you. If the gods toy with you, cousin, it is for Their ends, not yours.
** Chapter 16 (p. 279)

* “It must have been an interesting chat. Did Cumril survive it?”&lt;br&gt;“Temporarily.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 280)

* “Do you fear the gods will destroy you?”&lt;br&gt;That disturbing smile again. “That is not a fear. That is a prayer.”&lt;br&gt;“Or…do you fear their punishment? That they would plunge your soul into some eternal torment?”&lt;br&gt;Wencel leaned  forward, up on his toes. “That,” he breathed in Ingrey’s ear, “would be redundant.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 288)

* I learned long ago not to exhaust myself grappling problems that time will carry away on its tide.
** Chapter 16 (p. 289)

* If there is one thing that I have come to hate more than the gods, it is time.
** Chapter 16 (p. 290)

* But even the gods cannot see infinitely far ahead. Our free wills cloud Their vision, even though Their eyes are more piercing than ours. The gods do not ''plan,'' so much as ''take advantage.''
** Chapter 18 (p. 327)

* “Inventing as you go, are you?”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, I am quite godlike in that way, if no other.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 328)

* It was lately suggested to me, by a man with longer experience of the gods than I can rightly imagine, that the reason the gods do not show our paths more plainly is that They do not know either. I haven’t decided if I find this reassuring or the reverse. It does hint they do not torment us solely for Their amusement, at least.
** Chapter 19 (p. 351)

* Talking to the gods had been a much more comfortable proposition when there had seemed no danger of Their talking back.
** Chapter 20 (p. 367)

* &quot;Taste the betrayal of the gods, then; I have dined on it for ages.&quot;
** Chapter 23 (p. 425)

* Four thousand, so many! ''It matters less where I begin, as that I begin.''
** Chapter 24 (p. 438)

* Heaven weeps, but free will is sacred. The meaning of yes is created by the ability to say no.
** Chapter 24 (pp. 442-443)

=== [[w:Penric and Desdemona|Penric and Desdemona]]===
==== ''[[w:World of the Five Gods|Penric's Demon]]'' (2015) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the first hardcover edition, published by Subterranean Press, {{ISBN|978-1-59606-769-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

==== ''[[w:Penric and the Shaman_(Bujold novella)|Penric and the Shaman]]'' (2016) ====
* &quot;Then I beg you to stay. And apply your ideas. Or counsel. Or wisdom, or unwisdom, or whatever you may dub it.&quot; Gallin drew breath. &quot;You have to ''try'' at least.&quot; 
** p.98
==== ''[[w:Penric's Fox_(Bujold novella)|Penric's Fox]]'' (2017) ====
* It was a continuing wonder to him how much less, rather than more, freedom that acquiring a responsible authority gave to one. Not at all how he'd pictured his elders, so seeming-powerful, as a child. 
** p.72
==== ''[[w:The Prisoner of Limnos_(Bujold novella)|The Prisoner of Limnos]]'' (2017) ====
* Des, it seemed, was much less terrified by this return to Cedonia than he was. Of course, a demon could not be killed exactly. &lt;br&gt; ''Are you saying I would be a surprise?''&lt;br&gt; ''Oh, Pen. You have been a surprise from the beginning''. 
** p. 24
* Who could foresee regrets? Her marriage had seemed fine, had been fine, until its ghastly truncation. To give one's heart to any living being, even a simple cat, was to risk such loss. 
** p. 64
* Time. It did not wait for any human want, or grief, or plan. Or careful list. Nearly half her life might be behind her already. It was time to get started on the next half. 
** p. 147

==== ''[[w:Orphans of Raspay_(Bujold novella)|Orphans of Raspay]]'' (2019) ====
*Just once, Pen thought glumly, he'd like to ''get'' an answer to prayers, instead of being ''delivered'' as one.
** p. 18

==== ''[[w:Assasins of Thasalon_(Bujold novel)|Assasins of Thasalon]]'' (2021)====
*Each soul makes their own choice, when they stand at their god's gate, whether to step through. And that will be entirely between them and their god. The person who may have hurried them to the gate—whether assasin or soldier on the battlefield or author of some fatal accident—has no part in this most private of transactions. Their deaths might be another's choice. Their sundering is all and only their own. 
** p. 116
*(Pen striving to explain to a fledging sorceress that she should deal kindly with her young, unsought demon) ''I did not say that well'', Pen fretted. &lt;br&gt; ''No'', said Des thoughtfully as they turned away, ''but you said it true. Which is better, and more rare.''
**p. 117

==== ''[[w:Knot of Shadows_(Bujold novella)|Knot of Shadows]]'' (2021)====
*Tolga guided him not to the morgue, but to a patient chamber alloted mostly to a dozen crippled old indigent men, some brought in to be healed, some to die. For a beggar, Pen was not entirely sure it was a better death than in an alley or under a bridge; death was never a comfortable process, despite cots and sheets and usually overworked attendants, and it took longer here.
** p. 10
*She used to ask, 'Why did the gods give [my son] to me if they were only going to take him away?' Learned Retaka never had an answer. &quot;No,&quot; said Pen slowly, &quot;that's backward. The gods do not give us our children. We give our children to the gods.&quot;
** p. 54
*Over and over in his career, Pen had confronted the insight that the gods did not care for humans' material concerns, much to the humans' dismay. Only with what record of them was carved into their souls by their unique and individual lives, presented as the final offering upon the alter of their deaths. All deaths, in whatever form. One by one, each attended to with the same singular consideration. Each valuated with the discernment of a connoisseur adding to his collection. Each placed in the niche found most fitting to it. Denied by self-will sometimes, by the gods' will at others, but never lost by ''carelessness''.
** p. 82

=== [[w:The Sharing Knife|The Sharing Knife]]===
==== ''[[w:Passage_(Bujold_novel)|Passage]]'' (Vol. III in Tetralogy) (2008) ====
* We see the world not as it is, but as we are. ~ Dag Redwing Hickory Bluefield
** p. 163
==== ''[[w:Knife Children|Knife Children]]'' (2019) ====
* Her eyes were full of new; it made them brighter.
** Loc 1972 of 2974

* '''''Words won't break bones'' seemed like the lying-est lie Barr had ever been told, as a child.''' Bones knit eventually, he knew from close personal experience. The scars of slander, an insult not just delivered but ''believed'', might never heal in a lifetime.
** Loc 2243 of 2974

* &quot;Thing is... she may get mad, but she isn't whiny or naggy about it. She doesn't store it up like a, a compost heap, all hot on the inside and rotting. She's angry like she has a ''right'', and no one disputes it.&quot; She added after a moment, &quot;Or tells her to be a good girl, or be quiet, or apologize. Or go to her room&quot; ~ Lily Mason, on why she admires Captain Amma
** Loc 2480 of 2974

=== A Girl's World interview (2006) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [http://www.agirlsworld.com/amy/pajama/wmhistory/careers/lois/index.html agirlsworld.com]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Glory, spectre.jpg|thumb|right|Be passionate, be picky, have enough self-criticism to demand of yourself your best and not sort of let it slide by. And remember that the greatest defect any piece of fiction can have is not to be finished.]]

* I don't take information and experience into my mind in that organized a fashion, but when I want to bring it out, somehow it's there. You write what you know because — like there's another choice? '''The trick is to try and know as much as possible.'''

* I am a much better person and a better writer having had my children than I would be otherwise. I would have missed a whole aspect of the human experience that's tremendously fundamental to things like characterization. &lt;br&gt; A lot of writers write as if the hero sort of popped out of the box at age 22 fully formed. And one thing that raising children does is give you some sense of how human beings really are put together. So when you go to put together a character you can have a more realistic sense of where people really come from, why they really behave the way they do and what a tremendous amount of life and complexity lies behind every human being. &lt;br&gt; But I think you can get that from being a father too. I think it's something you can do by growing up and being observant even if you don't have children.

* Don't worry about that depressing old dictum &quot;Write what you know&quot;. If you need to know something, look it up. Learn how to find out what you need to know to make it right. '''Be passionate, be picky, have enough self-criticism to demand of yourself your best and not sort of let it slide by. And remember that the greatest defect any piece of fiction can have is not to be finished.'''

=== Geek Speak Magazine Interview (2010) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [http://www.geekspeakmagazine.com/archive/issue9/features/inspiration_is_everywhere.htm geekspeakmagazine.com]&lt;/small&gt;

* Some fortunate, prolific writers seem to be able, efficiently, to keep several projects going at once; it appears I am not one of them.

* I don’t write stories to tell readers what to think, or even tell them what I think; I write stories to show ''me'' what I think. Writing is always a journey of discovery that way, as suspenseful for me as I hope it will be for the audience.

* Lots of us SF-types like the idea of traveling to the Future (although, having now done so once myself -- the hard way -- I’m less sure), but why do we imagine the Future would want us? Oh, a few 21st-century Icemen, perhaps, as historical curiosities, but in our hundreds of millions? It would be like the greatest wave of immigration ever, but from the past into other people’s Now. It might seem to them like sacrificing resources needed for their children to their great-great-great-grandparents. Counter-evolutionary, among other things.

===Lightspeed Magazine interview (2011)===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [https://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/nonfiction/feature-interview-lois-mcmaster-bujold/ LightspeedMagazine.com]&lt;/small&gt;

*'''The writer should always reserve the right to have a better idea.'''

**Posted to the [https://web.archive.org/web/19990117002816/http://www.dendarii.com/bujold_faq.html Dendarii.com Lois McMaster Bujold Plot FAQ] as an official statement from Bujold, no later than 1999: '''The Author ''always'' reserves the right to have a better idea.'''

*It's an interesting problem, though, for writers of popular series. Should one [[:W:Sherlock Holmes|throw one's protagonist over the Reichenbach Falls, or let him fade gently into the sunset of the Sussex Downs, keeping bees]]? (Or both?) '''No matter which the writer chooses, someone will be unhappy about it. If one's audience is large enough, it will collectively demand every possible closure, most mutually exclusive.'''

== Quotes about Bujold ==
* '''Read, or you will be missing something extraordinary.'''
** [[w:Roland J. Green|Roland J. Green]] of the Chicago Sun-Times (1 May 1988) in a review of ''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Falling Free|Falling Free]]''.

* The apparently effortless fluidity of both style and story may actually have mitigated against critical notice, in comparison to notorious stylists like [[William Gibson]], or, again, [[Ursula K. Le Guin|Ursula Le Guin]]. But, despite Bujold's space opera plots, the flashes of humour rare either in Le Guin or in SF as a whole, and the steady pigeonholing of her work as military SF, her similarities to Le Guin go far beyond the presence of that wall. &lt;br /&gt; Firstly, both are consummate character-builders. Indeed, characterization, emphasis on character, and plots that depend on character and the novums of technology are among Bujold's strongpoints. Nowhere does this emerge more clearly than if her work is taken as military SF and compared to that of writers like [[Jerry Pournelle]] or [[David Weber]].
** [[w:Sylvia Kelso|Sylvia Kelso]], in &quot;Loud Achievements: Lois Mcmaster Bujold’s Science Fiction&quot;, first published in ''[[w:New York Review of Science Fiction|New York Review of Science Fiction]]'' 122 &amp; 123 (October &amp; November 1998)

* '''I got the same sort of feeling reading her works as I had gotten from classic [[Robert A. Heinlein|Heinlein]]: a renewed faith in humanity and a desire to explore and do good in the universe. Great feeling.'''
** [[w:Toni Weisskopf|Toni Weisskopf]] in &quot;A Conversation With Toni Weisskopf&quot;, interview by John Helfers, in ''The Vorkosigan Companion'' (2008), p. 78

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.dendarii.com/ The Bujold Nexus]
*[http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/b/lois-mcmaster-bujold/ Fantastic Fiction Author Page]
*[http://www.ibdof.com/viewforum.php?f=1811 Official forum (to which the author regularly contributes) at IBDoF]
*[http://www.worldswithoutend.com/author.asp?ID=39#books Complete list of sci-fi award wins and nominations by novel]
*{{isfdb name|id=Lois_McMaster_Bujold|name=Lois McMaster Bujold}}

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      <text bytes="132210" sha1="ppct8owyeeum5m6gskyz388njisyi0m" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Lois McMaster Bujold (1996).jpg|thumb|[[Tests]] are a [[gift]]. And [[great]] tests are a great gift. To [[fail]] the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune.]]
[[File:Lois-mcmaster-bujold-by-kyle-cassidy.jpg|thumb|I don't confuse [[greatness]] with [[perfection]]. To be great anyhow is…the higher achievement.]]
[[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers.]]
'''[[w:Lois McMaster Bujold|Lois McMaster Bujold]]''' (born [[2 November]] [[1949]], Columbus, Ohio) is an [[United States|American]] author of [[science fiction]] and fantasy works, most noted for the works in her [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Vorkosigan Saga]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Wushu dao.jpg|thumb|right|[[Women]] do desperately [[need]] models for power other than the maternal.]]

* '''It's a bizarre but wonderful feeling, to arrive dead center of a target you didn't even know you were aiming for.'''
** ''Cordelia's Honor'' (1996), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* '''All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In the service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves.''' A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self. Becoming a parent is one of these basic human transformational deeds. By this act, we change our fundamental relationship with the universe — if nothing else, we lose our place as the pinnacle and end-point of evolution, and become a mere link. '''The demands of motherhood especially consume the old self, and replace it with something new, often better and wiser, sometimes wearier or disillusioned, or tense and terrified, certainly more self-knowing, but never the same again.'''
** ''Cordelia's Honor'' (1996), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* I've described my usual writing process as scrambling from peak to peak on inspiration through foggy valleys of despised logic. Inspiration is better — when you can get it.
** ''Young Miles'' (1997), &quot;Author's Afterword&quot;

* '''Women do desperately need models for power other than the maternal.'''
** Correspondence with feminist scholar and author [[w:Sylvia Kelso|Sylvia Kelso]], published in ''Women of Other Worlds'' (1999), also quoted in [http://womenwriters.net/june09/paladin_interview.html &quot;Women’s Hero Journey : An Interview With Lois McMaster Bujold on ''Paladin of Souls'' by Alan Oak at ''WomenWriters.net'' (June 2009)]

* '''I cannot emphasize enough that I do not start with a plan or agenda and mechanically manipulate characters and events to carry it out. I set characters in motion, and let them teach me what the book is.'''
** &quot;Women’s Hero Journey : An Interview With Lois McMaster Bujold on ''Paladin of Souls'' by Alan Oak at ''WomenWriters.net'' (June 2009)

=== [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Vorkosigan Saga]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;These titles are arranged by the storyline chronology rather than publication date.&lt;/small&gt;

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Falling Free|Falling Free]]'' (1988)====
[[File:King Ubus SmokeRingThrower.JPEG|thumb|right|It's an ancient and honorable term for the final step in any engineering project. Turn it on, see if it smokes.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1989 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]]; nominated for the 1989 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback first edition, 1st printing, {{ISBN|0-671-65398-9}} &lt;/small&gt;

* ''On the sixth day God saw He couldn’t do it all,'' it read, ''so He created engineers.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 14)

* Whether you function as welders or inspectors, the laws of physics are implacable lie-detectors. You may fool men. You will never fool the metal. That’s all.
** Chapter 2 (p. 36)

* Were you born inhuman, or did you grow so by degrees—M.S., M.D., Ph.D...
** Chapter 4 (p. 72)

* Of all the times to pick for this outbreak of idiocy, this has gotta be the worst possible. It’s got to be deliberate. Nothing this fouled up could be by chance.
** Chapter 4 (p. 78)

* The line of logic trailed off in confusion; he turned his thoughts impatiently from it. Mental wheel-spinning, as unproductive as philosophy class in college.
** Chapter 5 (p. 89)

* I don’t know whose judgement is worse, yours or the jerk’s who hired you—
** Chapter 5 (p. 101)

* Claire, listen to me. The proper response to Bruce isn’t suicide, it’s murder.
** Chapter 7 (p. 122)

* GalacTech’s not God, Claire. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your firstborn to it.
** Chapter 7 (p. 122)

* There are weapons all around us here, we just don’t recognize them because we call them “tools.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 142)

* Even soldiers in battle have to be brought to a special state of mental excitement to shoot total strangers.
** Chapter 8 (p. 143)

* This isn’t a class. This is real life.
** Chapter 8 (p. 152)

* God’s not here. Somebody’s got to fill in.
** Chapter 9 (p. 161)

* The quaddies, he reflected, didn’t seem to have a very clear idea of private property. Probably came from a lifetime spent in a communal space habitat, with its tight ecology. Planets were communal in the same way, really, except that their enormous size put so much slack in their systems, it was disguised.
** Chapter 9 (p. 166)

* “The trouble with you, Ti,” lectured Leo kindly, “is that you lack teaching experience. If you had, you’d have faith that the most unlikely people can learn the most amazing things.”
** Chapter 9 (pp. 166-167)

* “We’ve run into a problem, Leo.”&lt;br&gt;“But of course. Who ever tracks me down to impart good news?
** Chapter 10 (p. 180)

* ''We make our own luck. And it’s my responsibility to see it’s good and not bad.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 194)

* He loathed letting her push his buttons; still, she had a valid point: cover-your-ass was a fundamental rule for survival even of the fittest.
** Chapter 13 (p. 238)

* Clearly, you could die while waiting for other people to start your life for you.
** Chapter 14 (p. 254)

* “I could bring almost nothing—I scarcely knew what to choose.”&lt;br&gt;“Think of the vast amounts of money we shall save on shipping charges, then.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 256)

* Shooting people was such a ''stupid'' activity, why should everybody—anybody!—be so impressed? Silver wondered irritably. You would think she had done something truly great, like discover a new treatment for black stem-rot.
** Chapter 14 (p. 266)

* If you ever have to make a choice between learning and inspiration, boy, choose learning. It works more of the time.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 273-274)

* And what is the most important leg of a three-legged stool? The one that is missing, of course.
** Chapter 14 (p. 276)

* He gave himself up to God and pressed the button.
** Chapter 15 (p. 284)

* “Smoke test?...What’s that?”...&lt;br&gt;“It’s an ancient and honorable term for the final step in any engineering project,” Leo explained. “Turn it on, see if it smokes.”
** Chapter 16 (pp. 295-296; ellipses represent minor elisions of description)

[[File:Aircraft Wreckage - geograph.org.uk - 415605.jpg|thumb|right|The laws of physics are implacable lie-detectors. You may fool men. You will never fool the metal.]]

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Shards of Honor|Shards of Honor]]'' (1986)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Cordelia's Honor'' {{ISBN|978-0-671-57828-2}} 5th printing, September 2010 &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Warzone 2100 - background 2.png|thumb|right|If it ever came down to exerting power by force, it would mean I'd already lost it.]]

* Leadership is mostly a power over imagination, and never more so than in combat. The bravest man alone can only be an armed lunatic. The real strength lies in the ability to get others to do your work.
** Chapter 3 (p. 40)

* If it ever came down to exerting power by force, it would mean I’d already lost it.
** Chapter 3 (p. 40)

* Save me from that! To pour your life into sons for eighteen or twenty years, and then have the government take them away and waste them cleaning up after some failure of politics—no thanks.
** Chapter 3 (p. 41)

* I suppose my determination to be a soldier stems from that date. I mean the real thing, not the parades and the uniforms and the glamour, but the logistics, the offensive advantage, the speed and surprise—the power. A better-prepared, stronger, tougher, faster, meaner son-of-a-bitch than any who came through that door.
** Chapter 3 (pp. 43-44)

* Even after four days of oatmeal and blue cheese dressing, they were a disappointment.&lt;br&gt;“Are you sure this isn’t instant boots?” asked Cordelia.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* The old customs are dead, and we keep trying on new ones, like badly fitting clothes.
** Chapter 3 (p. 50)

* She took the story in like some strange, spiked gift, too fragile to drop, too painful to hold.
** Chapter 3 (p. 53)

* “Seems to me the only difference between your friends and your enemies is how long they stand around chatting before they shoot you.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes,” Vorkosigan agreed, “I could take over the universe with this army if I could ever get all their weapons pointed in the same direction.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 60)

* I had a teacher who used to reflect back my questions that way. I thought it was the Socratic method, and it impressed me immensely, until I found out he used it whenever he didn’t know the answer.
** Chapter 4 (p. 60)

* “We were told the Betans killed you, sir,” he said suspiciously.&lt;br&gt;“Yes, it’s a rumor I’ve had difficulty living down,” said Vorkosigan. “You can see it’s not true.”&lt;br&gt;“Your funeral was splendid,” said Koudelka. “You should have been there.”&lt;br&gt;“Next time, perhaps,” Vorkosigan grinned.&lt;br&gt;“Oh. You know I didn’t mean it that way, sir. Lieutenant Radnov made the best speech.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m sure. He’d probably been working on it for months.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 61)

* They stared at her curiously and she caught snatches of conversation in two or three languages. It wasn’t hard to guess their content, and she smiled a bit grimly. Youth, it appeared, was full of illusions as to how much sexual energy two people might have to spare while hiking forty or so kilometers a day, concussed, stunned, diseased, on poor food and little sleep, alternating caring for a wounded man with avoiding becoming dinner for every carnivore within range—and with a coup to plan for at the end.
** Chapter 4 (p. 69)

* Captains may come and captains may go, but the administration goes on forever.
** Chapter 5 (p. 74)

* Vorkalloner seemed suddenly less amusing. “Why are you all so anxious to put us in a bottle, anyway?”&lt;br&gt;“Why, orders,” said Vorkalloner  simply, like an ancient fundamentalist who answers every question with the tautology, “Because God made it that way.” Then a little agnostic doubt began to creep over his face. “Actually, I thought we might have been sent out here on guard duty as some kind of punishment,”  he joked.&lt;br&gt;The remark caught Vorkosigan’s humor. “For your sins? Your cosmology is too egocentric, Aristede”
** Chapter 5 (p. 75)

* I have an aversion to closed doors anyway. You never know what’s on the other side.
** Chapter 5 (p. 78)

* “Anybody ever tell you you’re a lunatic?”&lt;br&gt;“Not in this context.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 80; Vorkosigan has just proposed to Cordelia)

* It’s a moribund body anyway, afflicted with the narrowest conservatism and stuffed with old relics only concerned with protecting their privileges. I’m not sure anything can be done with the Counts in the long run. Perhaps they should finally be allowed to dodder over the brink of extinction.
** Chapter 5 (p. 81)

* Do you know, I think you’d like politics at least on Barrayar. Maybe because it’s so similar to what we call war, elsewhere.
** Chapter 5 (p. 81)

* I’m sure we’d all rather be clever than brave.
** Chapter 6 (p. 90)

* So in the physics of the heart, distance is relative; it’s time that’s absolute.
** Chapter 6 (p. 97)

* No fear trembled his voice. Well, she reflected, perhaps he was not old enough yet to have really come to believe in death after life.
** Chapter 7 (p. 101)

* This war nonsense was a great psychological education. That chronometer had to be wrong. Surely it had been a year, and not an hour…
** Chapter 7 (p. 104)

* He said that permitting private judgments to turn my duty in the smallest matter would be just like getting a little bit pregnant—that the consequences would very soon get beyond me.
** Chapter 8 (p. 127)

* East is west, up is down, and being falsely arrested for getting your C.O.’s throat cut is a simplification. I must be on Barrayar.
** Chapter 8 (p. 128)

* “Things going well for your side, are they?” she asked, oppressed.&lt;br&gt;“We’re becoming nicely overextended. Some people regard that as progress.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 129)

* But exile, for no other motive than ease—that would be to give up all hope of honor. The last defeat, with no seed of future victory in it.
** Chapter 8 (p. 132; Vorkosigan to Cordelia; she quotes it back to him on p. 236)

* “Suffering bastard.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought you saw meaning in that sort of thing,” said Vorkosigan.&lt;br&gt;“In the abstract. Most days it’s just stumbling around in the dark with the rest of creation, smashing into things and wondering why it hurts.”
** Chapter 9 (pp. 138-139)

* The really unforgivable acts are committed by calm men in beautiful green silk rooms, who deal death wholesale, by the shipload, without lust, or anger, or desire, or any redeeming emotion to excuse them but cold fear of some pretended future. But the crimes they hope to prevent in that future are imaginary. The ones they commit in the present—they are real.
** Chapter 9 (p. 141)

* I’m sorry. I can love you. I can grieve for you, or with you. I can share your pain. But I cannot judge you.
** Chapter 11 (p. 162)

* “Well, I don’t hate him. I can’t say I worship him, either.” She paused a long time, and looked up to meet her mother’s eyes squarely. “But when he’s cut, I bleed.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 184)

* “So this word of honor business—you believe he never breaks it?”&lt;br&gt;“Well…”&lt;br&gt;“He does, then.”&lt;br&gt;“I have seen him do so. But the cost was huge.”&lt;br&gt;“He breaks it for a price, then.”&lt;br&gt;“Not for a price. At a cost.”&lt;br&gt;“I fail to see the distinction.”&lt;br&gt;“A price is something you get. A cost is something you lose.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 190)

* “Women shouldn’t be in combat,” said Vorkosigan, grimly glum.&lt;br&gt;“Neither should men, in my opinion.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 223)

* Why shouldn’t a madman dream of being sane?
** Chapter 14 (p. 224)

* “Ah, yes. I recall from your file that you are some sort of theist.” said the Emperor. “I am an atheist, myself. A simple faith, but a great comfort to me, in these last days.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, I have often felt the pull of it myself.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 230)

* I’ve always thought—tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift. To fail the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune. Do you understand what I’m saying?
** Chapter 15 (p. 235)

* I’ve always felt that theists were more ruthless than atheists.
** Chapter 15 (p. 235)

* A person’s things can be a kind of exterior morphology of their mind.
** Aftermaths (p. 247). Note: ''Aftermaths'' was originally published as a standalone short story in 1986, but since then has usually been reprinted as a sort of appendix to ''Shards of Honor,'' which it follows naturally in the series arc.

* What a strange world you must live in, inside your head.
** Aftermaths (p. 252)

* An honor is not diminished for being shared.
** Aftermaths (p. 253)

* “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “The dead cannot hurt you. They give you no pain, except that of seeing your own death in their faces. And one can face that, I find.”&lt;br&gt;Yes, he thought, the good face pain. But the great—they embrace it.
** Aftermaths (p. 253)

====''[[w:Barrayar|Barrayar]]'' (1991) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1992 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]]; nominated for the 1992 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Cordelia's Honor'' {{ISBN|978-0-671-57828-2}} 5th printing, September 2010 &lt;/small&gt;

* ''Check your assumptions,'' Cordelia thought to herself in amusement. ''In fact, check your assumptions at the door.''
** Chapter 5 (p. 324)

* You can’t choose between evil and evil, in the dark, by logic. You can only cling to some safety line of principle.
** Chapter 7 (p. 374)

* “What a barbaric custom.”&lt;br&gt;“Well, we could treat crime as a disease, like you Betans. You know what that’s like. At least we kill a man cleanly, all at once, instead of in bits over the years….I don’t know.”&lt;br&gt;“How will they…do it?”&lt;br&gt;“Beheading. It’s supposed to be almost painless.”&lt;br&gt;“How do they know?”&lt;br&gt;His laugh was totally without humor. “A very cogent question.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 376)

* “For all you Betans seem soft, you have an appalling cold-blooded streak in you.”&lt;br&gt;“Rational streak, sir. Rationality has its merits. You Barrayarans ought to try it sometime.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 393)

* Stupidity, yes, but not unilateral stupidity. Something this screwed up had to have taken a committee.
** Chapter 10 (p. 411)

* My home is not a place, it is a person, sir.
** Chapter 10 (p. 420)

* “You think like a soldier, m’lady.” Kly sounded approving.&lt;br&gt;Cordelia wrinkled her brow in dismay. What an appalling compliment. The last thing she wanted was to start thinking like a soldier, playing their game by their rules. The hallucinatory military worldview was horribly infectious, though, immersed in it as she was now.
** Chapter 13 (p. 458)

* Anyway, she now realized, the military histories she’d read had left out the most important part; they never told what happened to people’s babies.
** Chapter 14 (p. 477)

* It’s...a transcendental act. Making life. I thought about that when I was carrying Miles. “By this act, I bring one death into the world.” One birth, one death, and all the pain and acts of will between.
** Chapter 17 (p. 529)

* Our children change us…whether they live or not.
** Chapter 17 (p. 530)

* Good soldiers never pass up a chance to eat or sleep. They never know how much they’ll be called on to do before the next chance.
** Chapter 17 (p. 531)

* Any community’s arm of force—military, police, security—needs people in it who can do the necessary evil, and yet not be made evil by it. To do only the necessary and no more. To constantly question the assumptions, to stop the slide into atrocity.
** Chapter 17 (p. 533)

* But pain...seems to me an insufficient reason not to embrace life. Being dead is quite painless. Pain, like time, is going to come on regardless. Question is, what glorious moments can you win from life in addition to the pain?
** Chapter 17 (p. 534)

* You have a little time yet. You can say a lot in a little time, if you stick to words of one syllable.
** Chapter 17 (p. 536)

* ''Why have these people so blithely handed me the right to risk their lives? God, I hate command.''
** Chapter 18 (pp. 540-541)

* Suicidal glory is the luxury of the irresponsible. We’re not giving up. We’re waiting for a better opportunity to win.
** Chapter 18 (p. 547)

* I don’t want power. I just object to idiots having power over me.
** Chapter 18 (p. 549)

* Surely she was mad. She didn’t feel anything, no grief or remorse, though her heart was racing and her breath came in gasps. A shocky combat-high, that immortal rush that made men charge machine guns. So this was what the war-addicts came for.
** Chapter 18 (p. 552)

* ''Let me help.'' Rhymes with ''I love you,'' right?
** Chapter 20 (p. 582)

* Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and then fail them was surely damnation.
** Chapter 20 (p. 583)

* Welcome to Barrayar, son. Here you go: have a world of wealth and poverty, wrenching change and rooted history. Have a birth; have two. Have a name. Miles means “soldier,“ but don’t let the power of suggestion overwhelm you. Have a twisted form in a society that loathes and fears the mutations that have been its deepest agony. Have a title, wealth, power, and all the hatred and envy they will draw. Have your body ripped apart and re-arranged. Inherit an array of friends and enemies you never made. Have a grandfather from hell. Endure pain, find joy, and make your own meaning, because the universe certainly isn’t going to supply it. Always be a moving target. Live. Live. Live.
** Chapter 20 (p. 583)

* ''I would fight the world for you, but I’m damned if I can figure out how to save you from yourself. Go for it, kid.''
** Epilogue (p. 589)

* All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves. A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self. Becoming a parent is one of these basic human transformational deeds. By this act, we change our fundamental relationship with the universe—if nothing else, we lose our place as the pinnacle and end-point of evolution, and become a mere link. The demands of motherhood especially consume the old self, and replace it with something new, often better and wiser, sometimes wearier or disillusioned, or tense and terrified, certainly more self-knowing, but never the same again.
** Author’s Afterward (pp. 595-596)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#The Warrior.27s Apprentice|The Warrior's Apprentice]]'' (1986)====
[[File:Falco peregrinus - Château de Lordat.jpg|thumb|right|Hunting hawks do not belong in cages, no matter how much a man covets their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They are far more beautiful soaring free...]]
[[File:Falco peregrinus2.jpg|thumb|right|...Heartbreakingly beautiful.]]

:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Young Miles'' {{ISBN|978-0-7434-3616-8}} 3rd printing, January 2008 &lt;/small&gt;

* To kill a man, it helps if you can first take away his face. A neat mental trick. Handy for a soldier.
** Chapter 2 (pp. 29-30)

* Ask a simple question, get a simple brick wall.
** Chapter 3 (p. 44)

* It’s never too late while you’re breathing.
** Chapter 5 (p. 80)

* What you are is a question only you can answer.
** Chapter 8 (p. 123)

* I’ve got forward momentum. There’s no virtue in it. It’s just a balancing act. I don’t dare stop.
** Chapter 9 (p. 136)

* “You know,” he said as they started back up the corridor, “it might be better if we don’t yell, going in. It’s startling. It’s bound to be a lot easier to hit people if they’re not jumping around and ducking behind things.”&lt;br&gt;“They do it that way on the vids,” Mayhew offered.
** Chapter 9 (p. 144)

* I guess it just doesn’t look very heroic to sneak up behind somebody and shoot them in the back. I can’t help thinking it would be more efficient, though.
** Chapter 9 (p. 144)

* The deadly weapon seemed unnaturally light and easy in his hand. Something that lethal should have more heft, like a broadsword. Wrong, for murder to be so potentially effortless—one ought to at least have to grunt for it.
** Chapter 10 (p. 154)

* Organization seemed to be the key. To get huge masses of properly matched men and material to the right place at the right time in the right order with the swiftness required to even grasp survival—to wrestle an infinitely complex and confusing reality into the abstract shape of victory—organization, it seemed, might even outrank courage as a soldierly virtue.
** Chapter 10 (p. 169)

* Some saw stars, it seemed, and some saw the spaces between them.
** Chapter 13 (p. 215)

* A mercenary who can’t honor his contract when it’s rough as well as smooth is a thug, not a soldier.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 221-222)

* In the long run more mercenaries have had their asses shot off by their contractors than by their enemies.
** Chapter 13 (p. 223)

* Heroes. They sprang up around him like weeds. A carrier, he was seemingly unable to catch the disease he spread.
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “Ivan, one of these days somebody is going to pull out a weapon and plug you, and you’re going to die in bewilderment, crying, ‘What did I say? What did I say?’”&lt;br&gt;“What did I say?” asked Ivan indignantly.
** Chapter 17 (p. 295)

* He should be keeping reality and fantasy separate in his own mind, at least, even while mixing them as much as possible in others’.
** Chapter 18 (p. 302)

* How can I give you up? You’re the mountains and the lake, the memories—you have them all. When you’re with me, I’m at home, wherever I am.
** Chapter 18 (p. 305)

* Acting or reacting, we carry him in us. You can’t walk away from him any more than I can. Whether you travel toward or away, he’ll be the compass. He’ll be the glass, full of subtle colors and astigmatisms, through which all new things will be viewed. I too have a father who haunts me, and I know.
** Chapter 18 (pp. 305-306)

* That idea only makes sense if you don’t think too hard about it.
** Chapter 18 (p. 308)

* Not only was Ivan an idiot, but he generated a telepathic damping field that turned people nearby into idiots too.
** Chapter 18 (p. 311)

* There was no way he could anticipate every contingency. When the time came to leap in faith, whether you had your eyes open or closed or screamed all the way down or not made no practical difference.
** Chapter 19 (p. 320)

* You know, if you’re trying to take a roomful of people by surprise, it’s a lot easier to hit your targets if you don’t yell going through the door.
** Chapter 20 (p. 340)

* Hunting hawks do not belong in cages, no matter how much a man covets their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They are far more beautiful soaring free. Heartbreakingly beautiful.
** Chapter 21 (p. 362)

===='' [[w:Vorkosigan Saga#.22Mountains of Mourning.22 .28short story.29|The Mountains of Mourning]]'' (1989)====
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1990 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novella|Hugo Award]] and the 1990 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novella|Nebula Award]] for best novella &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the May 1989 issue of [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog Science Fiction and Fact]], and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* The trick of handling horses isn’t to be faster than the horse, or stronger than the horse. That pits  your weakness against his strengths. The trick is to be smarter than the horse. That pits your strength against his weakness, eh?
** p. 28
 
* ''Yeah, so I’m short. But wait’ll you see me dance.''
** p. 35

* Aren’t family squabbles jolly fun? Bleeding ulcers run in my family, we give them to each other.
** p. 83

* The fundamental principle was clear: the spirit was to be preferred over the letter, truth over technicalities. Precedent was held subordinate to the judgment of the man on the spot. Alas, the man on the spot was himself. There was no refuge for him in automated rules, no hiding behind ''the law says'' as if the law were some living overlord with a real Voice. The only voice here was his own.
** p. 90

* The old ones are fighting it. They call it off planet corruption, but it’s really the future they fear.
** p. 92

* Ordinary people need extraordinary examples.
** p. 92

* I know you have courage, and I know you have will. The rest is just picking yourself up and ramming into the wall again and again until it falls down.
** p. 96

* How small those mountains looked from space!
** p. 99

* ''Peace to you, small lady,'' he thought to Raina. ''You’ve won a twisted poor modern knight, to wear your favor on his sleeve. But it’s a twisted poor world we were both born into, that rejects us without mercy and ejects us without consultation. But at least I won’t just tilt at windmills for you. I’ll send in sappers to mine the twirling suckers, and blast them into the sky…&lt;br&gt;He knew who he served now. And why he could not quit. And why he must not fail.''
** p. 100 (closing words)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#The Vor Game|The Vor Game]]'' (1990)====
[[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|right|War is not its own end, except in some catastrophic slide into absolute damnation. It's peace that's wanted. Some better peace than the one you started with.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1991 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Young Miles'' {{ISBN|978-0-7434-3616-8}} 3rd printing, January 2008 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''We don’t just march on the future, we charge it.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 468)

* Pain hurts, sir. I don’t court it.
** Chapter 1 (p. 473)

* ''He’s not'' like ''anything, Ahn. He’s the original.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 488)

* When a normal ensign looked at his commander, he ought to see a godlike being, not a, a...future subordinate. New ensigns were supposed to be a subhuman species anyway.
** Chapter 3 (p. 508)

* If we shouldn’t do it, we shouldn’t be ''able'' to do it.
** Chapter 4 (p. 532)

* ''Those who do not know their history,'' his thought careened, ''are doomed to keep stepping in it.'' Alas, so were those who did, it seemed.
** Chapter 5 (p. 551)
** This evokes the famous statement by [[George Santayana]] in ''The Life of Reason'' Vol. 1 (1905): “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

* ''A weapon is a device for making your enemy change his mind.''
** Chapter 5 (p. 551)

* The facts appear to be mutating every forty minutes. like bacteria.
** Chapter 6 (p. 558)

* Your moral scruples may be admirable, Miles, but I’m not sure I can afford them.
** Chapter 6 (p. 562)

* “Other than that, how was Kiril Island, Ensign Vorkosigan?” inquired the Count. “You didn’t vid home much, your mother noticed.”&lt;br&gt;“I was busy. Lessee. The climate was ferocious, the terrain was lethal, a third of the population including my immediate superior was dead drunk most of the time. The average IQ equalled the mean temperature in degrees cee, there wasn’t a woman for five hundred kilometers in any direction, and the base commander was a homicidal psychotic. Other than that, it was lovely.”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 565-566)

* “This isn’t a good war game, Dad says,” commented Miles. “Not enough random factors and uncontrolled surprises to simulate reality.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 579)

* Mercenaries thrive on other people’s chaos.
** Chapter 7 (p. 580)

* The job was interesting for a week, while he was learning it, mind-numbing after that.
** Chapter 7 (p. 582)

* Geography is the mother of strategy.
** Chapter 7 (p. 584)

* Your “accidents,” I once noticed, have ways of entangling your enemies that are the green envy of mature and careful strategists. Far too consistent for chance, I concluded it had to be unconscious will.
** Chapter 11 (p. 655)

* Yes, well…actual combat…is a lot stupider than I’d imagined. If two groups can cooperate to the incredible extent it takes to meet in battle, why not put in a tenth that effort to talk?
** Chapter 11 (p. 666)

* War is not its own end, except in some catastrophic slide into absolute damnation. It’s peace that’s wanted. Some better peace than the one you started with.
** Chapter 11 (p. 666)

* There is no moral difference between ordering an execution, and carrying it out.
** Chapter 12 (p. 698)

* “The key of strategy, little Vor,” she explained kindly, “is not to choose ''a'' path to victory, but to choose so that ''all'' paths lead to a victory.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 706)

* I may be small, but I screw up big because I’m standing on the shoulders of GIANTS.
** Chapter 13 (p. 707)
** This evokes the statement by [[Newton]]: “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

* “Face like an angel, mind like a rabid mongoose?”&lt;br&gt;Oser’s lips twitched very slightly. “You’ve met her.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 716)

* “Is she pretty?”&lt;br&gt;“Yeah, if you happen to like blond power-mad homicidal maniacs, I suppose she could be quite overwhelming.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 737)

* I don’t think I’m destined to die today. I must be being saved for day after tomorrow.
** Chapter 14 (p. 738)

* “Think of the glory. Think of your reputation. Think how great it’ll look on your next resume.”&lt;br&gt;“On my cenotaph, you mean. Nobody will be able to collect enough of my scattered atoms to bury. You’re going to cover my funeral expenses, son?”&lt;br&gt;“Splendidly. Banners, dancing girls, and enough beer to float your coffin to Valhalla.”&lt;br&gt;Tung sighed. “Make it plum wine to float the boat, eh? Drink the beer.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 742)

* ''It could be worse'' was always an unassailable assertion.
** Chapter 14 (p. 746)

* “Damn,” said Elena in a hushed voice. “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were Mad Yuri’s understudy. The look on your face…am I reading too much into all that innuendo, or did you in fact just connive to assassinate Gregor in one breath, offer to cuckold him in the next, accuse your father of homosexuality, suggest a patricidal plot against him, and league yourself with Cavilo—what are you going to do for an encore?”&lt;br&gt;“Depends on the straight lines. I can hardly wait to find out,” Miles panted. “Was I convincing?”&lt;br&gt;“You were ''scary.”''&lt;br&gt;“Good.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 768)

* ''Rule 1: Only overrule the tactical computer if you know something it doesn’t. Rule 2: The tac comp always knows more than you do.''
** Chapter 16 (p. 787)

* Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
** Chapter 17 (p. 806)
** This evokes a statement in “Death of a Hired Man” by [[Robert Frost]]: “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”

* Beware of wishing for justice. You might get it.
** Chapter 17 (p. 811)

* She could be the only person on Barrayar to automatically put Gregor the man before Gregor the emperor. All our ranks look like optical illusions to her, I think.
** Chapter 17 (p. 818)

* “I’m afraid of power…” Gregor’s voice went low, contemplative.&lt;br&gt;“You aren’t afraid of power, you’re afraid of hurting people. If you wield that power,” Miles deduced suddenly.&lt;br&gt;“Huh. Close guess.”&lt;br&gt;“Not dead-on?”&lt;br&gt;“I’m afraid I might enjoy it. The hurting.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 820)

* The arrow of justice flies one way.
** Chapter 17 (p. 820; parodied on the next page as “The cream pie of justice flies one way.”)

* He leaned forward to put his elbows on the comconsole, and lace his fingers together, and regarded Miles with a kind of clinical disapproval, as if he were a data point that messed up the curve, and Illyan was deciding if he could still save the theory by re-classifying him as experimental error.
** Chapter 17 (pp. 822-823)

* “Ensign Vorkosigan,” Illyan sighed. It seems you still have a little problem with subordination.”&lt;br&gt;“I know, sir. I’m sorry.”&lt;br&gt;“Do you ever intend to do anything about it besides feel sorry?”&lt;br&gt;“I can’t help it, sir, if people give me the wrong orders.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 823)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Cetaganda|Cetaganda]]'' (1996)====
[[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And the reverse.]]
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, Baen Books, 1st printing (October 1996), {{ISBN|0-671-87744-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''Hi, I’m a hero, but I can’t tell you why. It’s classified.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* “Hands are to be hired. Design is the test of the intellect.”&lt;br&gt;“I must disagree. In my experience, hands are integral with brains, almost another lobe for intelligence. What one does not know through one’s hands, one does not truly know.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 36)

* “Do me the honor of grasping that I may just possibly know what I’m doing!” ''I wish to hell I knew what I was doing.'' Intuition was nothing but the subconscious processing of subliminal clues, he was fairly sure, but ''I feel it in my bones'' made too uncomfortably thin a public defense for his actions.
** Chapter 4 (p. 58)

* All in all, it was probably a good thing these youths had no political interests. They were just the sort of people who started revolutions but could not finish them, their idealism betrayed by their incompetence.
** Chapter 5 (p. 80)

* He knew now why they called it “falling in love.” There was the same nauseating vertigo of free fall, the same vast exhilaration, the same sick certainty of broken bones upon impact with a rapidly rising reality.
** Chapter 5 (p. 89)

* “No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.” ''Not when the enemy is me.''
** Chapter 6 (p. 98)
** This includes a common paraphrase of a statement which originates with military strategist Field Marshall [[Helmuth von Moltke]]: ”No plan of operations extends with any certainty beyond the first contact with the main hostile force.”

* “I made up a lot of instant barbarian folklore—I told ’em a Vor prides himself on self-control, that it’s not considered polite on Barrayar for a man to, you know, before his lady has. Three times. It was considered insulting to her. I stroked, I rubbed, I scratched, I recited poetry, I nuzzled and nibbled and—cripes, my fingers are cramped.” His speech was a bit slurred, too, Miles noticed. “I thought they’d ''never'' fall asleep.” Ivan paused; a slow smirk displaced the snarl on his face. “But they were smiling, when they finally did.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 104)

* “Connection? What possible connection?”&lt;br&gt;“We are the connection, Ivan. A couple of Barrayaran backcountry boys come to the big city, and ripe for the plucking. Somebody is using us. And I think somebody... has just made a major mistake in his choice of tools.” Or fools.
** Chapter 6

* “So use your initiative!”&lt;br&gt;“I don’t have initiative. ''I'' follow orders, thank you. It’s much safer.”&lt;br&gt;“Fine, I ''order'' you to use your initiative.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 162)

* Vorreedi stated dangerously, “I am not a mushroom, Lieutenant Vorkosigan.”&lt;br&gt;To be kept in the dark and fed on horseshit, right. Miles sighed inwardly.
** Chapter 11 (p. 199)

* Rian seemed less and less like a damsel in distress all the time. In fact, he was beginning to wonder if he was trying to rescue the dragon.
** Chapter 12 (p. 217)

* In my experience, milady, we can never get back to exactly where we started, no matter how hard we try.
** Chapter 12 (p. 222)

* Lord X was a tyrant, not a revolutionary. He wanted to take over the system, not change it.
** Chapter 13 (p. 226)
 
* ''You can’t give power away and keep it simultaneously.'' Except posthumously.
** Chapter 13 (p. 226)

* Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And the reverse.
** Chapter 13 (p. 231)

* Vorreedi, Miles reminded himself, was Intelligence, not Counter-intelligence; curiosity, not paranoia, was his driving force.
** Chapter 13 (p. 236)

* “The best strategies run on rails like that.” Miles pointed out. “Live or die, you make your goal.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 281)

* “How did your mother cope, Lord Vorkosigan?”&lt;br&gt;“You mean, being an egalitarian Betan and all? No problem. She says egalitarians adjust to aristocracies just fine, as long as they get to be the aristocrats.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “Do you know what this is, Lord Vorkosigan?” Giaja asked.&lt;br&gt;Miles eyed the medallion of the Order of Merit on its colored ribbon, glittering on a bed of velvet. “Yes, sir. It is a lead weight, suitable for sinking small enemies. Are you going to sew me into a silk sack with it, before you throw me overboard?”
** Chapter 16 (p. 289)

* “Good luck,” snorted Ivan.&lt;br&gt;“Luck is something you make for yourself, if you want it.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 301)

====''[[w:Ethan of Athos|Ethan of Athos]]'' (1986)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books mass market paperback first edition, 1st printing, {{ISBN|0-671-65604-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Women. Uterine replicators with legs, as it were.
** Chapter 3 (p. 34)

* The rest of the universe was disappointing at first glance.
** Chapter 3 (p. 35)

* Some places have religion. Here we have safety drills.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* There are always survivors at a massacre. Among the victors, if nowhere else.
** Chapter 4 (p. 54)

* As long as I’m going to commit a crime, let it be a perfect one.
** Chapter 4 (p. 62)

* Quinn ignored the admonition with a verve bordering, Ethan thought, on the anti-social.
** Chapter 5 (p. 71)
 
* Life with women did not just induce strange behavior, it appeared; it induced ''very'' strange behavior.
** Chapter 6 (p. 96)

* Innocence might be bliss, but ignorance was demonstrably hell.
** Chapter 6 (p. 97)

* A fool is twice a fool who tries to conceal it.
** Chapter 9 (p. 141)

* Ethan had never found himself clinging to a cusp of human history. The trouble with the position, he found, was that in whatever direction you looked there fell away a glassy, uncontrollable slide down to a strange future you would then have to live in. He had never wanted to pray more, nor been less sure that it would do any good.
** Chapter 10 (p. 152)

* “The probabilities would now seem to lean that way,” agreed Millisor. “I doubt everything, you see.”&lt;br&gt;Ethan thought this over. “Encountering the truth must be horribly confusing for you, then.”&lt;br&gt;Millisor’s lips twitched dryly. “Fortunately, it happens very seldom.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 185)

* Do not mistake charm for virtue.
** Chapter 12 (p. 188)

* Curiosity is not a theological virtue.
** Chapter 14 (p. 214)

* “I was just a little taken aback. That—that wasn’t the proposition I was expecting, is all. Excuse me. I fear I am become incurably low-minded.”&lt;br&gt;“You can’t help that, I’m sure,” Ethan said tolerantly. “Being female, and all that.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 216)

* Change is a function of time and experience, and time is implacable.
** Chapter 14 (p. 217)

===='' [[w:Vorkosigan Saga|Labyrinth]]'' (1989)====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the August 1989 issue of [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Analog Science Fiction and Fact]], and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* ''If you can’t be seven feet tall, be seven feet smart.''
** p. 106

* “Some party,” commented Bel. “I went to a pet show with an atmosphere like this once.”
** p. 110

* Miles was no musician, but even he could sense an intensity of passion in the playing that went beyond talent, reaching for genius.
** p. 112

* ''It’s not what you don’t know that’ll hurt you,'' the old saying went. ''It’s what you do know that isn’t so.''
** p. 161

* One maneuvers to the limit, but the golden moment demands action. If you miss it, the gods damn you forever. and vice versa.
** p. 186 

* Devotion to duty, or pragmatic ruthlessness, which was which? He would never know, now.
** p. 194 

* He had his idea-fixee now, and its ramifications and his rage were an effective block against incoming data.
** p. 197

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga|The Borders of Infinity]]'' (1987)====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''Free Lancers'' and often reprinted. All page numbers here are from the Baen Books mass market paperback omnibus ''Borders of Infinity'' {{ISBN|0-671-57829-4}} 5th printing, limited edition, September 1999 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Brocken Spectre at Peak Korzhenevskaya.jpg|thumb|right|Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.]]

* ''How could I have died and gone to hell without noticing the transition?''
** p. 215

* He lay a long time, cradled in pain. He was not sure how long. The illumination from the force dome was even and shadowless, unchanging. Timeless, like eternity. Hell was eternal, was it not? This place had too damn many congruencies with hell, that was certain.
** p. 220

* “The devil can quote scripture, y’know.”&lt;br&gt;''Yes, that was rather what I had in mind…''
** p. 223

* Communication. This lack of word from the outside world might drive even him crazy shortly.&lt;br&gt;It was as bad as prayer, talking to a god who never talked back.
** p. 237

* “All right,” Miles pulled Suegar to his feet, “let’s go preach to the unconverted.”&lt;br&gt;Suegar laughed suddenly. “I had a top kick once who used to say, ‘Let’s go kick some ass,’ in just that tone of voice.”
** pp. 239-240

* Now there’s this about cynicism, Sergeant. It’s the universe’s most supine moral position. Real comfortable. If nothing can be done, then you’re not some kind of shit for not doing it, and you can lie there and stink to yourself in perfect peace.
** p. 241

* “Is this guy for real?”&lt;br&gt;“He thinks he’s faking it,” said Suegar blandly, “but he’s not.”
** p. 243

* “It’s true,” agreed Oliver, “that if your religion failed to deliver a miracle, that a human sacrifice would certainly follow.”&lt;br&gt;“Ah...quite,” Miles gulped. “You are a man of acute insight.”&lt;br&gt;“That’s not an insight,” said Oliver. “That’s a personal guarantee.”
** pp. 243-244

* Let he who is without sin cast the first lure.
** p. 247

* I can’t quit, once I’ve started. I’ve been told I’m pathologically persistent. I ''can’t'' quit.
** p. 248

* Biology is Destiny.
** p. 250

* “Power is better than revenge,” suggested Miles, not flinching before her snake-cold, set face, her hot coal eyes. “Power is a live thing, by which you reach out to grasp the future. Revenge is a dead thing, reaching out from the past to grasp you.”
** p. 254

* Men may move mountains, but ideas move men.
** p. 254

* There is a subtle difference between being a prisoner and being a slave. I don’t mistake either for being free. Neither do you.
** p. 256

* “I have a particular aversion to stalemates. I prefer winning wars to prolonging them.”&lt;br&gt;She sighed, momentarily drained, tired, old. “I’ve been at war a long time, y’know? After a while even losing a war can start to look preferable to prolonging it.”
** p. 261

* “You don’t have any inhibitions at all, do you?”&lt;br&gt;“Not in combat.”
** p. 272

* I hate an enemy who doesn’t make mistakes.
** p. 274

* The loonies who sought a glorious death in battle found it very early on. This rapidly cleared the chain of command of the accumulated fools. The survivors were those who learned to fight dirty, and live, and fight another day, and win, and win, and win, and for whom nothing, not comfort, or security, not family or friends or their immortal souls, was more important than winning. Dead men are losers by definition. Survival and victory. They weren’t supermen, or immune to pain. They sweated in confusion and darkness. (And)…they won.
** p. 296

====''[[w:Brothers in Arms (Bujold novel)|Brothers in Arms]]'' (1989)====
[[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|The man who assumes everything is a lie is at least as mistaken as the one who assumes everything is true.]]
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback first edition, published by Baen Books, 6th printing (September 1999), {{ISBN|0-671-69799-4}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* There are a number of people in the universe I’d be willing to double-cross, but my own wounded aren’t among ’em.
** Chapter 1 (p. 9)

* But at least think about it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being who needed to get laid worse than you do now.
** Chapter 1 (p. 11)

* “You’re pretty damn casual about it.”&lt;br&gt;“Early conditioning. Total strangers trying to kill me make me feel right at home.
** Chapter 1 (p. 13)

* So slight a compression of the lips, and widening of the eyes, to convey so much amusement and contempt.
** Chapter 1 (p. 14)

* The building had a strange hermetically-sealed flavor to it, redolent to Miles’s experienced nose as paranoid security in action. Ah, yes, a planet’s embassy is that planet’s soil. Feels just like home.
** Chapter 1 (p. 15)

* Between justice and genocide there is, in the long run, no middle ground.
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* “If I got assassinated now,” he shrugged helplessly, “my father would kill me.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* What the hell was HQ thinking of? It seemed extraordinarily obtuse even for them.
** Chapter 2 (p. 37)

* I have taken up the art of bonsai for a hobby. The ancient Japanese are said to have worked on a single tree for as long as a hundred years. Or perhaps it only seemed like it.
** Chapter 2 (p. 41)

* “I am not schizoid.” Miles bit off. “A little manic-depressive, maybe,” he admitted in afterthought.&lt;br&gt;Galeni’s lips twitched. “Know thyself.”&lt;br&gt;“We try, sir.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 91)

* “Can you be paranoid about being paranoid?”&lt;br&gt;She smiled sweetly. “If anyone can, it’s you.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 104)
 
* He did not attempt to capture her hands. He did not make a single move that might embarrass them both. Old friends were harder to come by than new lovers.&lt;br&gt;''Oh, my oldest friend.''&lt;br&gt;Still. Always.
** Chapter 5 (p. 105)

* Sociopath therapy was ''invented'' for people like him. No, no. The last person he wants for a character witness is someone who weeks him.
** Chapter 6 (p. 109)

* I’m not responsible for my weird ancestors. Quite the reverse. Exactly the inverse.
** Chapter 6 (p. 114)

* It just happens to be very important to me to win with the hand I was dealt.
** Chapter 6 (p. 118)

* “You have the instincts of a gentleman, Ivan,” said Miles, absorbed in breaking into the coded files. “How did you ever get into security?
** Chapter 7 (p. 126)
 
* Some people would rather drown our domes in blood than learn anything from history. Or learn anything at all.
** Chapter 8 (p. 156)

* He seems to have this strange difficulty grasping that I actually mean what I say.
** Chapter 9 (p. 179)

* The will to be stupid is a very powerful force—
** Chapter 9 (p. 183)

* ''So. This one has never struck a man for real before. Nor killed either, I wager. Oh, little virgin, are you ever in for a bloody deflowering.''
** Chapter 10 (p. 199)
 
* “Power is safety.”&lt;br&gt;“Let me give you a hint,” said Miles. “There is no safety. Only varying states of risk. And failure.”
** Chapter 10 (pp. 200-201)

* You are what you do. Choose again, and change.
** Chapter 10 (p. 202)

* The man who assumes everything is a lie is at least as mistaken as the one who assumes everything is true. If no guarantee can suit you, perhaps the flaw is not in the guarantee, but in you.
** Chapter 10 (p. 203)

* They are the most insidious propagandists ever to cloak self-serving greed with pseudo-patriotism.
** Chapter 10 (p. 203)

* Miles clutched Quinn’s elbow. “Don’t panic.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m not panicking,” Quinn observed, “I’m watching you panic. It’s more entertaining.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 219)

* “No, no, never send interim reports,” said Miles. “Only final ones. Interim reports tend to elicit orders. Which you must then either obey, or spend valuable time and energy evading, which you could be using to solve the problem.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 224)
 
* Permanent justice is well worth a temporary offended protest, I can assure you, Lieutenant.
** Chapter 12 (p. 243)

* “Do you see assassination as an option, sir?”&lt;br&gt;“A compelling one.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 244)

* ''They’re my officers, dammit, not my harem,'' Miles’s thought snarled silently. But no Barrayaran officer of Destang’s age would see it that way. Some attitudes couldn’t be changed; they just had to be outlived.
** Chapter 12 (p. 245)

* And what goes on in the head of a walking dead man? Miles wondered. What personal failure could he possibly fear more than death itself?
** Chapter 13 (p. 255)

* And so men organized themselves for the sake of their technology as they never had for their principles. The sea’s politics were unarguable.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 255-256)
 
* “Security, Lieutenant,” Miles said blandly. “I can’t discuss it even with you.”&lt;br&gt;“Security,” she sniffed, “doesn’t hide as much from Accounting as they think they do.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 262)

* It’s so damned useless! The dead hand of the past goes on jerking the strings by galvanic reflex, and we poor puppets dance—nothing is served, not us, not him, not Komarr…
** Chapter 13 (p. 266)

* “The revolt,” breathed Galen almost to himself, “must not die.”&lt;br&gt;“Even if everybody in it dies? ‘It didn’t work, so let’s do it some more’? In my line of work, they call that military stupidity. I don’t know what they call it in civilian life.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 279)

* “Some stand-offs,” said Galen, “are more equal than others.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 280)

* “You must learn to kill if you expect to survive.”&lt;br&gt;“No you don’t,&quot; Miles put in. &quot;Most people go through their whole lives without killing anybody. False argument.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 283)

* He felt like a man trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle of live pieces, that moved and changed shape at random intervals with tiny malicious giggles.
** Chapter 15 (p. 304)

* Men met energy wave with predictable results.
** Chapter 15 (p. 307)

* Miles had heard weird tales of strange relationships between people and their clones. But then, anyone who deliberately went out and had a clone made must be kinky to start with. Far more interesting to have a child, preferably with a woman who was smarter, faster, and better-looking than oneself; then there was at least a chance for a bit of evolution in the clan.
** Chapter 15 (p. 309)
 
* Still, what d’you expect of the descendants of a colony that started as a hijacker base? Naturally they developed into an aristocracy.
** Chapter 15 (p. 312)

* “At least this should be simpler than our late vacation on Earth,” he said hopefully. “A purely military operation, no relatives, no politics, no high finance. Straight-up good guys and bad guys.”&lt;br&gt;“Great,” said Quinn. “Which are we?”&lt;br&gt;Miles was still thinking about the answer to that one when the fleet broke orbit.
** Chapter 16 (p. 338; closing words)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Mirror Dance|Mirror Dance]]'' (1994)====
[[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|Like integrity, love of life was not a subject to be studied, it was a contagion to be caught. And you had to catch it from someone who had it.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Winner of the 1995 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (March 1995), {{ISBN|0-671-87646-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “I really like this married-couple cover, for travel,” he remarked. “It suits me.” He took a slightly deeper breath. “So we’ve had the honeymoon, why don’t we have the wedding to go with it?”
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* ''Be careful who you pretend to be. You might become it.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 39)

* The medic glance up only to say, “Be sure you get the carotid and not the jugular.”&lt;br&gt;“I’m trying. They’re not color-coded.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 121)

* Realize this, though. Half my genes run through your body, and my selfish genome is heavily evolutionarily pre-programmed to look out for its copies. The other half is copied from the man I admire most in all the worlds and time, so my interest is doubly riveted. The artistic combination of the two, shall we say, arrests my attention.
** Chapter 12 (p. 211)

* I grant you he’s a genius, but don’t you dare try to tell me he’s sane.
** Chapter 12 (p. 216)

* Don’t attempt to camouflage your real blame by taking more than your share.
** Chapter 12 (p. 217)

* “You’re scaring him, dear’” the Countess remarked.&lt;br&gt;“On ''that'' topic, paranoia is the key to good health,” said the count ruefully.
** Chapter 12 (p. 220)

* “It’s important that someone celebrate our existence,” she objected amiably. “People are the only mirror we have to see ourselves in. The domain of all meaning. All virtue, all evil, are contained only in people. There is none in the universe at large. Solitary confinement is a punishment in every human culture.”
** Chapter 13 (pp. 226-227)

* Lady Peace is the first hostage taken when economic discomfort rises.
** Chapter 13 (p. 237)

* I don’t confuse greatness with perfection. To be great anyhow is…the higher achievement.
** Chapter 16 (p. 287)

* “I swear,” Mark whispered, “excess suspicion makes us bigger fools than excess trust does.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 333)

* I do think, half of what we call madness is just some poor slob dealing with pain by a strategy that annoys the people around him.
** Chapter 18 (p. 344)

* If anyone was sane here, he swore it was by accident.
** Chapter 23 (p. 422)

* I don’t know what passion he inspires in you—were you lovers? You’d be amazed how many people have clones made for that purpose.
** Chapter 24 (p. 443)

* His taste for heavily-armed girlfriends did have potential drawbacks.
** Chapter 25 (p. 459)

* ''Never give aversion therapy to a masochist. The results are unpredictable.''
** Chapter 26 (p. 460)

* You can tell you’re alive when somebody touches you back.
** Chapter 27 (p. 467)

* He had looked forward to making posthumous reports to Illyan. Now he wondered if he was going to live long enough.
** Chapter 27 (p. 477)

* They hesitated. Ah, the downside of perfect obedience: crippled initiative.
** Chapter 29 (p. 495)
 
* It wasn’t, he swore, that he picked up so many women. Compared to Ivan, he was practically celibate. It was just that he never put any ''down.'' The accumulation could become downright embarrassing, over a long enough time-span.
** Chapter 30 (p. 522)

* Sometimes, insanity is not a tragedy. Sometimes, it’s a strategy for survival. Sometimes...it’s a triumph.
** Chapter 31 (p. 533)

* Lilly had promised him that her stimulants would buy him six hours of coherence, after which the metabolic bill would be delivered by hulking bio-thugs with spiked clubs, virtual repo-men for his neurotransmitter debt.
** Chapter 31 (p. 535)

* Their good fortune, Mark decided, was divided exactly fifty-fifty; Miles got the good luck, and he got the rest.
** Chapter 31 (p. 539)

* Yet being beaten by your student was the ultimate victory, for a teacher.
** Chapter 32 (pp. 550-551)

* I don’t regret knowing myself, ma’am. I don’t even regret…''being'' myself.
** Chapter 33 (p. 554)

* Mother Nature gives a sense of romance to young people, in place of prudence, to advance the species. It’s a trick—that makes us grow.
** Chapter 33 (p. 555)

====''[[w:Memory (Bujold novel)|Memory]]'' (1996)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 1997 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] and the 1998 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 6th printing (August 2011), {{ISBN|0-671-87845-X}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses (except as noted) as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|right|The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart.]]

* ''I wouldn’t be lying. I’d just be editing my report for length.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 16)

* It wasn’t fair, for people to go and change on him, while his back was turned being dead. To change without giving notice, or even asking permission.
** Chapter 2 (p. 22)

* You can’t just…ignore them out of existence though apparently that’s exactly what you’ve been attempting.
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* Well, if you couldn’t be good, at least you could be ''discreet.''
** Chapter 3 (p. 31)

* She’d have no objection to the principle of the thing, but she didn’t exactly approve of the military. She didn’t exactly disapprove, either; she just made it plain that she thought there were better things for intelligent human beings to do with their lives.
** Chapter 3 (p. 39)

* Self-sedation seemed to require more alcohol than it used to, a problem easily remedied.
** Chapter 4 (p. 55)

* “How come they promoted you before me? Who the hell have you been sleeping with?” boiled off of Miles’s lips before he could bite it back down. He hadn’t meant his tone of voice to come out quite that harsh.&lt;br&gt;Ivan shrugged, smirking. “I do my job. And I do it without going around bending all the rules into artistic little origami, shapes, either.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 80)

* Well, good going with your captaincy. I know you worked for it, even though you pretend not to.
** Chapter 6 (p. 81)

* “If you can’t win, change the game.”&lt;br&gt;Ivan twitched a brow upward. “If there’s no game, isn’t winning a pretty meaningless concept?”
** Chapter 6 (p. 81)

* Was winning all he really wanted? Or did he still want also to be ''seen'' to have won? And by whom? 
** Chapter 6 (p. 82)

* ''It was never what I wanted to buy that held my heart’s hope. It was what I wanted to be.''
** Chapter 8 (p. 110)

* How could you be a Great Man if history brought you no Great Events, or brought you to them at the wrong time, too young, too old? ''Too damaged.''
** Chapter 8 (p. 111)

* “‘Most men,’” he quoted, “‘are of naught more use in their lives but as machines for turning food into shit.’”&lt;br&gt;Ivan cocked an eyebrow at him. “Who said that? Your grandfather?”&lt;br&gt;“[[Leonardo da Vinci]],” Miles returned primly. But was compelled to add, “Grandfather quoted it to me, though.”
** Chapter 8 (pp. 116-117)

* The last thing a monster wanted was a fellow to follow him around all day long with a mirror.
** Chapter 8 (p. 117)

* Ordinary men and women…die every day. For all sorts of reasons, from random chance to inexorable time. Death is not an Imperial monopoly.
** Chapter 9 (pp. 131-132)

* “You go on. You just go on. There’s nothing more to it, and there’s no trick to make it easier. You just go on.”&lt;br&gt;“What do you find on the other side? When you go on?”&lt;br&gt;She shrugged. “Your life again. What else?”&lt;br&gt;“Is that a promise?”&lt;br&gt;She picked up a pebble, fingered it, and tossed it into the water. The moon-lines bloomed and danced. “It’s an inevitability. No trick. No choice. You just go on.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 158)

* General. Prudence is one thing. Paranoia that can’t tell friend from foe is quite another.
** Chapter 14 (p. 201)

* The trouble with synopsized information was that it was always so nebulous. The devil was in the details, the raw data; embedded therein were all the tiny clues that fed the intuition demon until it became strong and fat and, sometimes, grew up to become an actual Theory, or even a Proof.
** Chapter 15 (p. 206)

* Suicide wasn’t an option for me anymore, I found. Not like good old adolescent angst. I’m no longer of the secret opinion that death will somehow overlook me if I don’t do something personally about it. And give life…it seems stupid not to make the most of what I do have. Not to mention deucedly ungrateful.
** Chapter 20 (p. 297)

* ''Never argue with a pedant over nomenclature. It wastes your time and annoys the pedant.''
** Chapter 21 (p. 306)

* Their excitement was dampened by a genuine concern for their daughter’s safety and personal happiness, though they are certainly as puzzled how this is to be achieved as any other set of parents.
** Chapter 21 (p. 318)

* I despise internal investigations. Even if you win, you lose.
** Chapter 22 (p. 335)

* “What are you ''doing?”'' the Countess asked.…&lt;br&gt;“Just…wrestling with temptation.”&lt;br&gt;Illyan’s voice came back, amused. “Who’s winning?”&lt;br&gt;Miles’s eye followed the cracks in the plaster, overhead. His voice came out high and light, on a sigh: “I think…I’m going for the best two falls out of three.”
** Chapter 25 (p. 385; first ellipsis represents elision of two sentences of description)

* His mother had often said, ''When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action.'' She had emphasized the corollary of this axiom even more vehemently: when you desired a consequence you had damned well better take the action that would create it.
** Chapter 25 (pp. 386-7)

* ''I elect to be…myself.''
** Chapter 25 (p. 387)

* If we get straight truth in, ''maybe'' we’ve got half a chance of getting good judgment out. No damn chance otherwise, that’s for sure.
** Chapter 26 (p. 402)

* Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can’t trade for your heart’s desire is your heart.
** Chapter 27 (p. 415)

* I was never a mercenary, not ever. Not for one single minute.
** Chapter 29 (p. 455)

* But I am not my father. I don’t have to repeat his mistakes; I can invent bright-new ones.
** Chapter 29 (p. 457)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Komarr|Komarr]]'' (1998)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first American mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (April 1999), {{ISBN|0-671-57808-1}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “You think he’s a genius?” she said, raising her eyebrows. ''The high Vor twit?”''&lt;br&gt;“I don’t know him quite well enough, yet. But I suspect so, a part of the time.”&lt;br&gt;“Can you be a genius part of the time?”&lt;br&gt;“All the geniuses I ever met were so just part of the time. To qualify, you only have to be great once, you know. Once when it matters.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 39)

* People complaining about their spouses always looked and sounded so ugly.
** Chapter 3 (p. 42)

* ''Power corrupts, but we want energy.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 53)

* “We’ll never know the whole truth, I suppose,” said Venier.&lt;br&gt;Was that supposed to be a concession? “You can be told the whole truth all day long, but if you won’t believe it, then no, I don’t suppose you ever will never know it.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 56)

* Then he had accused her of sleeping with her women friends.&lt;br&gt;That had broken something in her at last, some will to desire his good opinion. How could you argue sense into someone who believed something not because it was true, but because he was an idiot? No amount of panicky protestation or indignant denial or futile attempt to prove a negative was likely to help, because the problem was not in the accused but in the accuser. She began then to believe he was living in a different universe, one with a different set of physical laws, perhaps, and an alternate history. And very different people from the ones she met of the same name. Smarmy doppelgangers all.
** Chapter 5 (pp. 67-68)

* To this day she didn’t know if he taken her disgusted refusal to defend herself for a covert admission of guilt.
** Chapter 5 (p. 68)

* Love was long gone, in her. She got by on a starvation diet of loyalty these days.
** Chapter 5 (p. 68)

* How could you tell the difference between not liking sex, and not liking the only person you’d ever done sex with?&lt;br&gt;Yet she was almost desperate for touch, mere affection untainted by the indignities of the erotic.
** Chapter 5 (p. 69)

* Cynicism did not seem nearly so impressively daring to her now as it had when she was twenty.
** Chapter 5 (p. 72)

* If suspicion was the deadliest possible insult, then trust was always right, even if it was mistaken.
** Chapter 5 (p. 72)

* “Does it seem strange…does it give you a very different view of your parents, to see them on vid?”&lt;br&gt;“No,” he said. “It gives me a very different view of holovids.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 77)

* “They seem more like toys than jewels, but I have to admit, they’re striking.”&lt;br&gt;“Oh, yes, a typical tech toy. High-end this year, everywhere next year, nowhere after that, till the antiquarians’ revival.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 83)

* The laws of physics took precedence over heroic intent for the next couple of seconds.
** Chapter 5 (p. 86)

* Once you had delegated the best people to do a job for you, you had to trust both them and your judgment.
** Chapter 6 (p. 99)

* ''I am not here to vent my feelings. I am here to achieve my goals.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 171)

* At the moment I have very little evidence and lots of theories. I’m itching to reverse the proportions.
** Chapter 12 (p. 204)

* “It’s a brute-force approach,” Miles said apologetically. “And not, alas, quite as simple as a data match.”&lt;br&gt;“That,” murmured Gibbs, “is why enlisted men were invented.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 209)

* ''Real'' expertise, the kind that means you can’t be intimidated or, or…persuaded to go along with something stupid because you think everyone in the universe knows more than you do.
** Chapter 13 (p. 216)

* Aim high. You may still miss the target but at least you won’t shoot your foot off.
** Chapter 13 (p. 217)

* What an obituary. ''When I go down into the ground at last, as God is my judge, I pray my best-beloved may have better to say of me than, “He didn’t hit me.”''
** Chapter 14 (p. 227)

* ''Oh hell. Have you fallen in love with this woman, idiot boy?&lt;br&gt;Um. Yeah.''&lt;br&gt;He’d been falling for days, he realized in retrospect. It was just that he’d finally hit the ground.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 228-229)

* Just like swatting flies with a laser cannon. The aim’s a bit tricky, but it sure takes care of the flies.
** Chapter 15 (p. 250)

* Forward momentum only worked as a strategy if one had correctly identified which was was ''forward.''
** Chapter 16 (p. 268)

* To get the right answer, one must first correctly frame the question.
** Chapter 16 (p. 271)

* We have advanced to new and surprising levels of bafflement.
** Chapter 16 (p. 274)

* She probably felt about matrimony the way Miles felt about needle-grenade launchers.
** Chapter 16 (p. 278)

* Knowledge might not be power, but ignorance was definitely weakness, and so was poverty.
** Chapter 17 (p. 283)

* One’s career might depend solely on one’s own efforts, but marriage was a lottery, and you drew your lot in late adolescence or early adulthood at a point of maximum idiocy and confusion. Perhaps it was just as well. If people were too sensible, the human race might well come to an end. Evolution favored the maximum production of children, not of happiness.
** Chapter 17 (p. 285)

* He consoled himself with the reflection that it was seldom he found himself in company who made him feel this stupid. It was probably good for his soul.
** Chapter 18 (p. 298)

* “Have you determined if it is meant to be a weapon at all?” she said.&lt;br&gt;“We’ve got some very dead people to account for,” Miles pointed out.&lt;br&gt;“That, alas, does not necessarily require a weapon.” Professor Vorthys said. “Carelessness, stupidity, haste, and ignorance are quite as powerfully destructive forces as homicidal intent.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 299)

* People have some very odd illusions about power. Mostly it consists of finding a parade and nipping over to place yourself at the head of the band. Just as eloquence consists of persuading people of things they desperately want to believe. Demagoguery, I suppose, is eloquence sliding to some least moral energy level.
** Chapter 18 (p. 302)

* ''If you could go back in time and change things…''&lt;br&gt;The only moment in time you could change things was the elusive ''now,'' which slipped through your fingers as fast as you could think about it.
** Chapter 18 (p. 304)

* The hostage game is a bad game, a sad and ugly game that’s a lot easier to start than end. The worst versions I’ve seen ended up with neither side in control, or getting anything they wanted. And the people who stand to lose the most in it frequently aren’t even playing.
** Chapter 20 (p. 340)

* He's not even a mad scientist. He's merely a very upset engineer.
** Chapter 20

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#A Civil Campaign|A Civil Campaign]]'' (1999)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first American mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (August 2000), {{ISBN|0-671-57885-5}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:SF Japanese Garden.JPG|thumb|right|A hundred objective measurements didn't sum the worth of a garden; only the delight of its users did that. Only the use made it mean something.]]

* “I’m planning my course work for the next session at university. I was too late to start this summer, so I’ll begin in the fall. There’s so much to choose from. I feel so ignorant.”&lt;br&gt;“Educated is what you aim to be coming out, not going in.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 7)

* The parents of the preceding generation had taken galactic sex-selection technologies much too far in their foolish passion for male heirs, and the very sons they’d so cherished—Miles’s contemporaries—had inherited the resulting mating mess. Go to any formal party in Vorbarr Sultana these days, and you could practically taste the damned testosterone in the air, volatilized by the alcohol no doubt.
** Chapter 1 (p. 12)

* He couldn’t make this go faster by pushing harder.
** Chapter 1 (p. 12)

* Then time ran out—no. Time ran on. There was no end to time. ''But you come to the end of yourself, and time runs on, and leaves you.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 23)

* “Why are you ''here,'' Ivan?” He added under his breath, “and why couldn’t three bodyguards keep you out? Do I have to give orders to shoot to kill?”&lt;br&gt;“My strength is great because my cause is just,” Vorpatril informed him. “My mother has sent me with a list of chores for you as long as my arm. With footnotes.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 29)

* I’ve seen planetary invasion plans less complex than what’s being booted about for this Imperial Wedding.
** Chapter 1 (p. 33)

* I propose a treaty. You can have all the rest of the women in the universe. I just want this one.
** Chapter 1 (p. 35)

* He must not be in one of his voluble moods. Either you can’t turn him on or can’t turn him off. Well, if there was a choice, taciturn was probably safer for the innocent bystanders than spring-wound.
** Chapter 1 (p. 36)

* Mark had a Thing about Miles. ''Thing'' was not accepted psychoscientific terminology, she’d been informed by his twinkling therapist, but there was scarcely another term with the scope and flexibility to take in the whole complexity of the…Thing.
** Chapter 2 (p. 42)

* You had to admire their honesty. No wonder they did so well at the sciences.
** Chapter 2 (p. 43)

* “I thought he was a bit creepy.”&lt;br&gt;Kareen stiffened. ''If you’d been cloned a slave, raised by terrorists to be a murderer, trained by methods tantamount to physical and psychological torture, and had to kill people to escape, you’d likely seem a little creepy too. If you weren’t a twitching puddle.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 45)

* Kareen was by no means sure Mark was a potential husband. He was still working his heart out on becoming a potential human being.
** Chapter 2 (p. 46)

* She’d made it clear that Things Would Be Done Properly.&lt;br&gt;The problem came in defining the term ''Properly.''
** Chapter 2 (p. 54)

* Oh yes. This was going to do well. If there was one thing Tsipis appreciated, it was a quick study. Ekaterin was one of those ''show once'' people whom Miles, in his mercenary days, had found more precious than unexpected oxygen in the emergency reserve.
** Chapter 3 (p. 75)

* You couldn’t be that good and not know it, somewhere in your secret heart, however much you’d been abused into affecting public humility.
** Chapter 3 (p. 75)

* My brother has this bad little habit of editing his version of reality to fit his audience.
** Chapter 5 (p. 114)

* Miles was plenty expressive too, in his own unreliable way. Half of it was horseshit, but you were never sure which half.
** Chapter 5 (p. 126)

* All Mark knew was that if it came down to a choice between Kareen and oxygen, he’d prefer to give up oxygen, thanks.
** Chapter 5 (p. 126)

* “No money, but she’s beautiful, and her blood lines are impeccable.”&lt;br&gt;“Are you choosing a wife, or buying a horse?”
** Chapter 5 (p. 127)

* “He told Mark he’s courting her in secret,” Martya put in to the Vorbrettens. “It’s a secret ''from'' her. We’re all still trying to figure that one out.”&lt;br&gt;“Is the entire city party to my private conversations?” Miles snarled. “I’m going to strangle Mark.”&lt;br&gt;Martya blinked at him with manufactured innocence. “Kareen had it from Mark. ''I'' had it from Ivan. Mama had it from Gregor. And Da had it from Pym. If you’re trying to keep a secret, Miles, why are you going around telling everyone?”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 151-152)

* If you’re just now finding out that this world is unjust, well, you’re behind the times.
** Chapter 6 (p. 154)

* You have to be careful who you let define your ''good.''
** Chapter 7 (p. 163)

* For her, this was a metaphor, he reminded himself. Though maybe he was a metaphor too, inside his head with the Black Gang. A metaphor gone metastatic. Metaphors could do that, under enough pressure.
** Chapter 7 (p. 163)

* I could be a virgin again. What a dreadful thought.
** Chapter 7 (p. 175)

* It is always easier to get forgiveness than permission.
** Chapter 7 (p. 182)
** This seems to be derived from a statement attributed to Rear Admiral [[Grace Hopper]], and which she regularly used in her public addresses: “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”

* When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all.
** Chapter 10 (p. 246)

* You don’t pay back your parents. You can’t. The debt you owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down in turn. It’s a sort of entailment. Or if you don’t have children of the body, it’s left as a debt to your common humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed by one.
** Chapter 10 (p. 247)

* “There’s something to that in both directions,” said Ekaterin mildly. “Nothing is more guaranteed to make one start acting like a child than to be treated like one. It’s so infuriating. It took me the longest time to figure out how to stop falling into that trap.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, exactly,” said Kareen eagerly. “You understand! So—how did ''you'' make them stop?”&lt;br&gt;“You can’t make them—whoever your particular ''them'' is—do anything, really,” said Ekaterin slowly. “Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste…years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are ''good enough.'' No. You have to just…take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, ''I’m sorry you feel like that,'' and walk away. But that’s hard.”
** Chapter 11 (pp. 267-268)

* “Heavens, Kareen, you don’t have to pay me—”&lt;br&gt;''“Never,”'' said Kareen with passion, “ever suggest they don’t have to pay you. What they pay for, they’ll value. What they get for free, they’ll take for granted, and then demand as a right. Hold them up for all the market will bear.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 273)

* She wondered when ''not dull'' had become her prime criterion for mate selection.
** Chapter 11 (p. 281)

* ''I wanted to give you a victory. But by their essential nature triumphs can’t be given. They must be taken and the worse the odds and the fiercer the resistance, the greater the honor. Victories can’t be gifts.''
** Chapter 11 (p. 282)

* He lived, therefore he learned.
** Chapter 12 (p. 305)

* Lately I have come to believe that the principal difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there.
** Chapter 13 (p. 327)

* “Is there anything else I can do for you, Madame Vorsoisson?” Illyan called after her, as she stood outside to let Nikki exit.&lt;br&gt;She leaned back toward him to breathe venomously, “Yes. ''Hang'' Vormoncrief.”&lt;br&gt;He offered her a sincere salute. “I shall do my humble best, Madame.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 335)

* “So…d’you like him? Or not?”&lt;br&gt;''Like'' was surely not an adequate word for this hash of delight and anger and longing, this profound respect laced with profound irritation, all floating on a dark pool of old pain. The past and the future, at war in her head. “I don’t know. Some of the time I do, yes, very much.”&lt;br&gt;Another long pause. “Are you in love with him?”&lt;br&gt;What Nikki knew of adult love, he’d mostly garnered off the holovid. Part of her mind readily translated this question as code for, ''Which way are you going to jump, and what will happen to me?'' And yet…he could not share or even imagine the complexity of her romantic hopes and fears, but he certainly knew how such stories were supposed to Come Out Right.&lt;br&gt;“I don’t know. Some of the time. I think.”&lt;br&gt;He favored her with his Big People Are Crazy look. In all, she could only agree.
** Chapter 13 (pp. 346-347)

* “Now, you had that doctorate in Barrayaran history. Do any really interesting District succession squabbles spring to your memory?”&lt;br&gt;“Lord Midnight the horse,” Galeni replied at once. “Who always voted ‘neigh.’”
** Chapter 14 (p. 349)

* He carefully ignored his simmering fury. Rage had no place in this. Calculation and implacable action did.
** Chapter 14 (pp. 351-352)

* Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
** Chapter 15 (p. 386; see also p. 426)

* There is no more hollow feeling than to stand with your honor shattered at your feet while soaring public reputation wraps you in rewards. ''That’s'' soul-destroying. The other way around is merely very, very irritating.
** Chapter 15 (p. 387)

* “No,” said his father, “you don’t have to smile. But if you’re really asking for advice from my accumulated experience, I’m saying Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 389)

* “Honesty is the only way with anyone, when you’ll be so close as to be living inside each other’s skins. So…''is'' this Ekaterin another passing fancy?” The Count hesitated, his eyes crinkling. “Or is she the one who ''will'' love my son forever and fiercely—hold his household and estates with integrity—stand beside him through danger, and dearth, and death—and guide my grandchildren’s hands when they light my funeral offering?”
** Chapter 15 (p. 392)

* “You? I know you! You trust beyond reason.”&lt;br&gt;She met his eyes steadily. “Yes. It’s how I get results beyond hope. As you may recall.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 416)

* Gardens were meant to be seen, smelled, walked through, grubbed in. A hundred objective measurements didn’t sum the worth of a garden; only the delight of its users did that.
** Chapter 17 (p. 423)

* A tactical retreat is not a bad response to a surprise assault, you know. First you survive. Then you choose your own ground. ''Then'' you counterattack.
** Chapter 17 (p. 426)

* The trouble with oaths of the form, ''death before dishonor,'' is that eventually, given enough time and abrasion, they separate the world into just two sorts of people: the dead, and the forsworn.
** Chapter 17 (pp. 427-428)

* Even love is not as strong as habit, eh?
** Chapter 17 (p. 428)

* How ''can'' you stand me? I can’t even stand me.
** Chapter 17 (p. 429)

* He smiled, recapturing her hand. “A very wise woman once told me—you just go on. I’ve never encountered any good advice that didn’t boil down to that, in the end. Not even my father’s.”
** Chapter 17 (p. 430)

* Government by thugs in the Bloody Centuries gave Barrayar many colorful historical incidents, suitable for high drama. I don’t think it’s a drama we wish to return to in real life.
** Chapter 19 (p. 491)

* “So much for ''that'' line of reasoning, Lord Richars,” Ekaterin finished. She sat back with a hand-dusting gesture, and added, by no means under her breath, ''“Twit.”''
** Chapter 19 (p. 495)

* If power was an illusion, wasn’t weakness necessarily one also?
** Epilogue (p. 530)

* Roots grow deep in the dark.
** Epilogue (p. 534)

====''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#&quot;Winterfair Gifts&quot; (novella)|Winterfair Gifts]]'' (2004)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the Baen Books trade paperback omnibus ''Miles in Love'' {{ISBN|978-1-4165-5547-6}} 1st printing, February 2008 &lt;/small&gt;

* “When he invited me to one for the Winterfair season, I wasn’t sure if it was hunting or social, and whether I should pack weapons or dresses.”&lt;br&gt;Lady Vorpatril’s smile sharpened. “Dresses ''are'' weapons, my dear, in sufficiently skilled hands.”
** p. 808

* “I am a bodyguard by trade,” she said, evidently continuing a conversation with Lady Vorpatril. “How can I kick someone’s teeth in wearing this?”&lt;br&gt;“A woman wearing ''that'' suit, my dear, will have volunteers to kick in annoying persons’ teeth for her,” said Lady Alys.
** p. 809

* Life’s uncertain out there. Things can go down bad, fast, anytime. We all just get a time, in our different ways.
** p. 822

* “What would you do? If you discovered or suspected such a horror?”&lt;br&gt;His lips twisted. “That’s a tough one. A higher honor must underlie ours, the count says. We can’t ever obey unthinkingly.”&lt;br&gt;“Huh. That’s what Miles says, too. Is that where he got it, from his father?”&lt;br&gt;“I shouldn’t be surprised. M’lord’s brother Mark says integrity is a disease, and you can only catch it from someone who has it.”
** p. 836 

* Your talent for making interesting new enemies has evidently not deserted you.
** p. 845

* I’d have worn them as a courtesy to your friend...I’ll wear them now as a defiance to our enemies.
** p. 847; ellipsis represents elision of three sentences of description

* ''Taura nailed it. She'll do for m'lord, all right. And God help their enemies.''
** p. 853

====''[[w:Diplomatic Immunity (novel)|Diplomatic Immunity]]'' (2002)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2003 [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (June 2003), {{ISBN|0-7434-3612-1}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Full Spectrum Team Waving.jpg|thumb|right|If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back.]]

* ''I smell diplomacy.'' Miles grimaced.
** Chapter 1 (p. 4)

* Military intelligence was as nothing to military stupidity.
** Chapter 2 (p. 32)

* There were security angles, political angles, personal angles—how many angles could dance on the head of a pin?
** Chapter 4 (p. 52)

* “Anyway, he thinks we’re lying. But we’re not. Also, your people are idiots.”&lt;br&gt;“Yes. I know. But they’re ''my'' idiots.
** Chapter 4 (p. 57)

* What is it about you people who run sexually segregated fleets that makes you all disembark insane? No, don’t bother answering that, I think we all know. But the all-male military organizations who have that custom for religious or cultural reasons all come onto station leave like some horrible combination of kids let out of school and convicts let out of prison. The worst of both, actually—the judgment of children combined with the sexual deprivation of—never mind.
** Chapter 4 (p. 58)

* There is a great deal of sanity to be saved in letting the past go, and moving on.
** Chapter 4 (p. 64)

* “I will consider this contention,” said Greenlaw dryly, with the ''For about ten seconds, after which I shall toss it out the nearest airlock'' hanging unspoken.
** Chapter 5 (p. 74)

* If you make it plain you like people, it’s hard for them to resist liking you back.
** Chapter 5 (p. 88)

* ''Yet if the truth doesn’t serve us, what does that say about us, eh?''
** Chapter 7 (p. 107)

* The dead cannot cry out for justice; it is a duty of the living to do so for them.
** Chapter 7 (p. 113)

* He was borrowing trouble, reasoning in advance of his data.
** Chapter 17 (p. 319)

* ''There’s nothing like the threat of imminent death to force one to delegate.''
** Chapter 17 (p. 332)

* “Not ''treason,”'' haut Pel objected faintly. “As such.”&lt;br&gt;“Unsanctioned unilateral redesign, then.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 348)

* He stared at the two bundles more than filling his lap in a kind of cosmic amazement.&lt;br&gt;“We ''did'' it,” he muttered to Ekaterin, now perching on the chair arm. “Why didn’t anybody stop us? Why aren’t there more regulations about this sort of thing? What fool in their right mind would put ''me'' in charge of a baby? Two babies?”
** Epilogue (p. 366)

* He had been the end point of human evolution. At this moment he abruptly felt more like a missing link. ''I thought I knew everything. Surely I knew nothing.'' How had his own life become such a surprise to him, so utterly rearranged? His brain had whirled with a thousand plans for these tiny lives, visions of the future both hopeful and dire, funny and fearful. For a moment, it seemed to come to a full stop. ''I have no idea who these two people are going to be.''
** Epilogue (p. 366)

====''{{w|Captain Vorpatril's Alliance}}'' (2012)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2013 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 1st printing (September 2014), {{ISBN|978-1-4767-3698-3}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* How many details had to point in the same direction before one decided they pointed true? ''Depends on how costly it is to be mistaken, maybe?''
** Chapter 1 (p. 21)

* Puzzles. ''I hate puzzles.'' Ivan liked flowcharts—nice and clear and you could always tell just where you were and what you should do next, everything laid out neatly. No ambiguities. No traps. Why couldn’t life be more like flowcharts?
** Chapter 7 (p. 157)

* So far from a trudge, she seemed to find the task tolerably amusing.&lt;br&gt;“Oh, ''languages'' aren’t work,” she explained cheerily. “They’re a game. Now, ''economics,'' that’s boring.” 
** Chapter 8 (pp. 175-176)

* Just because I have forgotten so many old enemies does not mean they have forgotten me.
** Chapter 9 (p. 196)

* And in her way, I suppose, she loved us, and naturally wanted us to have this great thing she'd found, too. Except... I wasn't her. It was like... if she could just fix me into being her, then she could shower me with the gifts she so valued.
** Tej describes her mother's relationship to her, Chapter 9

* “What’s a call girl?” asked Tej, her brows crimping in puzzlement.&lt;br&gt;“Uh…” Ivan sought a translation. “Like a Betan licensed practical sexuality therapist, only without the licensed and the therapy parts.” 
** Chapter 11 (p. 229)

* It was not a very original period of my life. I won’t say I fell in with bad company—I more hunted them down.
** Chapter 11 (p. 231)

* As the week wore on, Ivan contemplated the merits of inertia as a problem-solving technique with growing favor.
** Chapter 13 (p. 282)

* “Is that going to be a problem?” said Ivan.&lt;br&gt;“Definitely. I just don’t know what kind, yet. Or whose.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 298)

* The admiral did not invite Ivan to sit, so Ivan took up a prudent sort-of parade rest and waited. Someone would tell him what was going on shortly; they always did, however little he wanted to know.
** Chapter 15 (p. 319)

* It’s been a long time since I wagered so much on a single throw. Though if I’m to revisit the desperation of my youth, I want the body back, too.
** Chapter 15 (p. 337)

* The limits of trust depend much on whether you mean to do business more than once.
** Chapter 20 (p. 442)

* Let’s be sensible and wish for both of us there, while we’re wishing. I mean, it’s not like wishes are ''rationed.''
** Chapter 22 (p. 490)

* Maybe only love gave you ''more'' than what you’d dealt for.
** Chapter 22 (p. 492)

* “You know what I like best about you, Ivan Xav?” she asked, newly shy in her illumination.&lt;br&gt;He turned his chin into her hair in an inquiring sort of way. “My shiny groundcar? My Vorish insouciance? My astounding sexual prowess? My…my mother? Dear God, you’re not taking me for the sake of getting my um-stepfather?”&lt;br&gt;“Well, I do like them both very much, but no. What I like best about you, Ivan Xav, is that you’re ''nice.'' And you make me laugh.” She smiled now, into his shoulder.&lt;br&gt;“That…doesn’t seem like much.” He sounded a bit taken aback.&lt;br&gt;“Yes,” she sighed, “but consider the ''context.”''
** Chapter 22 (p. 492)

* There are two possible ways to solving a dilemma, in justice or elsewhere; begin with the facts, and follow out their logic where it leads one, or begin with the desired outcome, and reason backward to the necessary steps to achieve it.
** Chapter 24 (p. 527)

* The most interesting question of history is always, ''What were these people thinking?''
** Chapter 25 (p. 529)

* No amount of money can make one stay bought. Who does not freely choose to.
** Chapter 24 (p. 540)

* A three-planet empire delivered upset snakes by the basket-load to this man’s office, every damned morning. Yeah—for all the talk of men coveting the emperor’s throne, Ivan had never yet heard anyone speak of coveting his ''desk.''
** Chapter 24 (p. 544)

* “What do you ''see'' in that Barrayaran boy, anyway?” the Baronne asked querulously, dodging back despite Tej’s best efforts. “He just doesn’t seem very ''ambitious.”''&lt;br&gt;“Mm,” said Tej. ''One woman’s defect is another woman’s delight?'' “I suppose…it’s all the things he sees in me.” ''That you don’t.''
** Chapter 25 (p. 551)

* In all, in truth, it was a problem for another day, Ivan decided. When life and chance handed you an afternoon as idyllic as this one promised to be, it seemed profoundly ungrateful not to ''pay attention.''
** Epilogue (p. 573)

==== ''{{w|The Flowers of Vashnoi}}'' (2018)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the hardcover first edition, published by Subterranean Press, {{ISBN|978-1-59606-892-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Everything in the district competes for resources. The best solution is to make more resources.
** p. 26

* “I didn’t know he had days off,” said Enrique, sounding vaguely puzzled. Naturally enough; Enrique didn’t exactly take breaks either, or at least not scheduled ones, his time being divided into days with too many things to do, and days with ''far'' too many things to do—much like her own, Ekaterin reflected ruefully.
** p. 34

* Shooting people to keep them from dying had logical flaws obvious to everyone.
** p. 86

* One couldn’t fix the past, only the present.
** p. 88

* “’S funny. Piotr, toward the end of his life, looked at our district and only saw how much better it was. All the backbreaking, heartbreaking work he did cleaning up the messes after the war is taken for granted now, or mostly just forgotten. Instead, we look around and only see how much better it could be. And neither of us is wrong, exactly.”
** p. 92

* Is it still a victory if you don’t get the credit?
** p. 92

====''[[w:Cryoburn|Cryoburn]]'' (2010)====
:&lt;small&gt; Nominated for the 2011 [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award]] &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 3rd printing (August 2015), {{ISBN|978-1-4516-3750-2}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

[[File:F1 grenade.jpg|thumb|right|Old age is slower than a grenade, but a lot more thorough.]]

* ''Only five days on this benighted world, and already total strangers are trying to kill me.''&lt;br&gt;Sadly, it wasn’t even a record.
** Chapter 1 (p. 4)

* Don’t underestimate the viciousness of academics when funding is at stake.
** Chapter 2 (p. 26)

* While not reliable enough to be put in charge of anything more complicated than a dishwasher, they were very easy to convince that all their troubles were someone else’s fault.
** Chapter 2 (p. 34)

* Let me tell you, young man—the dirty little secret of democracy is that just because you get a vote, doesn’t mean you get your choice.
** Chapter 3 (p. 51)

* Yani seemed a time-traveler who had found out the hard way that he did not like his destination any better than his point of departure, failed to notice the one common factor was himself, and now could not go back.
** Chapter 4 (p. 69)

* Misplaced paranoia could be as great a mistake as misplaced faith.
** Chapter 5 (p. 99)

* He supposed he shouldn’t think of it as ''Quick work, my Lord Auditor, from foreplay to coitus in one afternoon.'' But who was being screwed? And why, why, ''why'' was he being bribed?
** Chapter 7 (p. 141) 

* “Old age,” she said, “is slower than a grenade, but a lot more thorough.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 189)

* He didn’t exactly have a plan, yet. More of a stab in the dark. He still wasn’t sure what his blade would connect with…
** Chapter 10 (p. 190)

[[File:Human Spermatozoa, Scanning Electron Micrograph.jpg|left|thumb|One sperm over and we would have been our sisters, and we’d never have been missed.]]
* All the worry people expend over [[afterlife|not existing after they die]], yet nary a one ever seems to spare a moment to worry about not having existed before they were conceived. Or at all. After all, one sperm over and we would have been our sisters, and we’d never have been missed.
** Chapter 11 (pp. 211-212)

* His mystery, it seemed, had just split into two. Mystery mitosis. It seemed a retrograde sort of progress.
** Chapter 12 (p. 224)
 
* He’d underestimated how much work normal healthy children would take, even with all the help his money and position could buy. For there were some tasks you didn’t ''want'' to delegate, because then you’d be missing the best parts.
** Chapter 13 (p. 253)

* History does not so much repeat as echo, I suppose.
** Chapter 13 (p. 257)

* “Never underestimate the human capacity for wishful thinking and willful blindness,” said Miles. Such as a whole society of people who became so wrapped up in avoiding death, they forgot to be alive?
** Chapter 15 (p. 297)

* I expect death will still be cheap and always available, doesn’t take high tech.
** Chapter 18 (p. 345)

* “You’re pretty free with that thing.”&lt;br&gt;“It’s all right. I have a license to stun.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought that was supposed to be a license to kill.”&lt;br&gt;Roic grimaced. “That too. But you would not ''believe'' all the forms that have to be filled out, afterward.”
** Chapter 19 (p. 362)

====''[[w:Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen|Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen]]'' (2016)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the first mass market paperback edition, published by Baen Books, 2nd printing (February 2020), {{ISBN|978-1-4814-8289-9}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* She considered ''seventy-six.'' It…made no sense. Except that sometime in the past three years, she had switched from counting her years not up from birth, but back from death—a grab-bag of time not growing, but shrinking, ''use it or lose it.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* So what do you want? Really want, not just think is most prudent. Or worse, think is what ''I'' want.
** Chapter 3 (p. 58)

* If nothing else, the arrival of actual children replaces theory with practice. And time to fret with…lack of time to breathe, sometimes.
** Chapter 3 (p. 59)

* A contractor, ''early?'' Really? Already your tale begins to resemble some drunken hallucination.
** Chapter 3 (p. 66)

* I admit, when I picture the scenario, I keep seeing a boy of about, oh, seven. Age of reason and all that. One I could talk to, and do things with. I’m not sure how you get from the single-cell stage to that one, though.
** Chapter 4 (p. 91)

* Babies are just a challenge. ''Teenagers'' are a nightmare.
** Chapter 4 (p. 92)

* It only takes one nutcase to decide that you, not he, are the reason his life sucks, and set out to even the score. Nutcases are not in short supply here.
** Chapter 8 (p. 177)

* I don’t see people, young or otherwise, as having a ''right'' to be idiots. It’s just impractical to try to stop them, unless they’re hurting somebody, and this sport—extreme art?—does not appear to be lethal.
** Chapter 8 (pp. 186-187)

* ''No, do not let your fears eat the happiness in front of you.'' Or your grief consume your future? That was harder.
** Chapter 12 (p. 273)

* There’s a paradox for you. Although really it’s no more than saying that I’m satisfied with my life. Changing anything would wish people I’ve loved out of existence, and yet…there would have been other people, I suppose. Who now will never be.
** Chapter 12 (p. 293)

* “We used to call the biowar intelligence and analysis section at ImpSec HQ the Nightmare Barn,” Miles reminisced. “In a large building full of pale, overcaffeinated men, they had a reputation as being the pastiest and the twitchiest.”
** Chapter 13 (p. 301)

* “Everybody has it wrong way round. Parents don’t make children—children make parents. They shape our behavior from the first wail. Mold us into what they need. It can be a pretty rough process, too.”&lt;br&gt;Jole’s eyebrows went up. “I’d not thought of it that way.” It seemed a strangely hopeful notion.&lt;br&gt;“Well, believe it. Though my whole life has been on-the-job training—I don’t know why I thought this should be any different.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 380)

* By far the most dangerous animal on the planet was an invasive species of ape.
** Chapter 17 (p. 386)

* Alas, she was dealing with management, not the engineers.
** Chapter 17 (p. 387)

===''The Vorkosigan Companion'' (2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Edited by Lillian Stewart Carl and John Helfers&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lesestunde.jpg|thumb|right|Reading is an active and elusive experience. Every reader, reading exactly the same text, will have a slightly different reading experience...]]

* '''One of the best things about writing is how it redeems, not to mention recycles, all of one's prior experiences, including — or perhaps especially — the failures.'''
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 6

* I have a catchphrase to describe my plot-generation technique — &quot;What's the worst possible thing I can do to these people?&quot;
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 6

* I am increasingly convinced that technological culture is the entire root of women's liberation.
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 8

* '''Parallels, spirals, and reflections are some of my favorite literary patterns.'''
** &quot;Putting It Together&quot; p. 20

* '''Reading is an active and elusive experience. Every reader, reading exactly the same text, will have a slightly different reading experience depending on what s/he projects into the words s/he sees, what strings of meaning and association those words call up in his/her (always) private mind.''' One can never therefore, talk about the quality of a book separately from the quality of the mind that is creating it by reading it, in the only place books live, in the secret mind.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, an interview with Lillian Stewart Carl, p. 52

* I have no idea why some of my books draw awards and others&lt;!-- puplished text reads &quot;other&quot; — assumed here to be a transcription error --&gt; don't, except that the ones I spent the least time worrying about other people's response to — that I wrote for myself — seem to do the best of all.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 54

* Not all books are created equal, and for the special ones, you begin to know it sometimes even before the work is finished, but always by the time you slam that last line home and shriek, &quot;Done! Done!,&quot; and fall head-down across your keyboard like the runner from Marathon.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 54

* I've always tried to write the kind of book I most loved to read: character-centered adventure.
** &quot;'A Conversation With Lois McMaster Bujold&quot;, p. 60

* I attack both from the logic-side, scribbling outline after outline, and the long-walk relaxed-[[visualization]]-side, and while neither alone is enough, the combination synergizes. '''Which is just a fancy way of saying, &quot;I think about it a lot, day and night.&quot;'''
** &quot;Publishing, Writing, and Authoring&quot;, p. 67

* From fried witchetty grubs to gold-plated turnips, when you're a writer you never know what's going to appear on your plate next. It keeps a woman alert, it does.
** &quot;Publishing, Writing, and Authoring&quot;, p. 75

=== [[w:World of the Five Gods|World of the Five Gods series]] ===
====''[[w:The Curse of Chalion|The Curse of Chalion]]'' (2000)====
[[File:Arthur B. Davies - Reclining Woman (Drawing), 1911.jpg|thumb|right|If you desire a man to tell you comfortable lies about your prowess, and so fetter any hope of true excellence, I'm sure you may find one anywhere. Not all prisons are made of iron bars. Some are made of feather beds.]]
[[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I for one find a casual destruction of a man's life even more repugnant than a determined one.]]
[[File:Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg|thumb|right|Ignorance is not stupidity, but it might as well be.]]

* '''If you desire a man to tell you comfortable lies about your prowess, and so fetter any hope of true excellence, I'm sure you may find one anywhere. Not all prisons are made of iron bars. Some are made of feather beds.'''
** p. 58

* Right or wrong, what I also saw was that you made an enemy, and left him alive behind you. Great charity. Bad tactics.
** p. 60

* The joys of command — well, you know. You taught them to me. One part glory to ten parts shoveling manure.
** p. 76

* '''The gods' most savage curses come upon us as answers to our own prayers, you know.'''
** p. 94

* But have you really understood how powerless the gods are, when the lowest slave may exclude them from his heart? And if from his heart, then from the world as well, for the gods may not reach in except through living souls. If the gods could seize passage from anyone they wished, then men would be mere puppets. Only if they borrow or are given will from a willing creature, do they have a little channel through which to act'''.'''
** p. 199

* I think it (i. e., sainthood) is not so much the growth of virtue, as simply the replacement of prior vices with an addiction to one's god.
** p. 224

* He found oddly little regret in his heart for his own lost life. He'd seen more of the world than most men ever did, and he'd had his chances, though the gods knew he'd made little enough of them. Marshaling his thoughts, as he sheltered under his covers, he realized with some wonder that his greatest dismay was for the work he'd be forced to leave undone.
** p. 233

* The confusion of mind you dub honor is a disease.
** p. 282

* '''I for one find a casual destruction of a man's life even more repugnant than a determined one.'''
** p. 292

* Only the saints would joke so about the gods, because it was either joke or scream, and they alone knew it was all the same to the gods.
** p. 313

* '''Ignorance is not stupidity, but it might as well be.'''
** p. 316

* Second sight is redundant to reason anyway.
** p. 328

* &quot;Just what kind of noose are you offering to put round my neck, here? Is this treason?&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;Worse,&quot; Cazaril sighed. &quot;Theology.&quot;
** p. 333

* ''Events'' may be horrible or inescapable. ''Men'' have always a choice  -  if not whether, then how, they may endure.
** p. 340

* '''Surely only correct understanding could lead to correct action.'''
** p. 369

* And you could just watch men begin to see what he told them they were seeing, whether it was there or not.
** p. 433

* &quot;Mercy from the Father and the Mother, mercy from the Sister and the Brother, Mercy from the Bastard, five times mercy, High Ones, we beseech you.&quot;… Mercy, High Ones. '''''Not justice, please, not justice. We would all be fools to pray for justice.'''''

* A skilled soldier kills your enemies, but a skilled duelist kills your allies.

*&quot;I don't duel, boy. I kill as a soldier kills, which is as a butcher kills, as quickly, efficiently, and with as least risk to myself as I can arrange. If I decide you die, you will die when I choose, where I choose, by what means I choose, and you will never see the blow coming. (...) I don't duel. But if you seek to die like a bludgeoned steer, cross me again.&quot;

====''[[w:Paladin of Souls|Paladin of Souls]]'' (2003)====
[[File:Fusor running.jpg|thumb|right|The gods give no gifts without hooks embedded.]]
[[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|One learns better than to hand one's choices to fear. With age, with every wound and scar, one learns.]]

* The shocked silence that followed was decidedly baffled. And even, possibly, a little thoughtful, if that was not too much to hope.
** p. 31

* ''You can't solve problems by running away from them,'' it was said, and like the good child she had once been, she had believed this. But it wasn't true. '''Some problems could ''only'' be solved by running away from them.'''
** p. 36

* &quot;And the Bastard grant us . . . in our direst need, the smallest gifts: the nail of the horseshoe, the pin of the axle, the feather at the pivot point, the pebble at the mountain's peak, the kiss in despair, the one right word.  In darkness, understanding.&quot;
** p. 44

* The gods...the gods may forgive much, to a truly penitent heart.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Her smile grew bitter as desert brine. &quot;The gods may forgive Ista all day long. But if Ista does not forgive Ista, the gods may go hang themselves.&quot;
** p. 61

* &quot;You must go home eventually.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;I would throw myself off a precipice first, except that I would land in the arms of the gods, Whom I do not wish to see again.&quot;
** p. 61

* '''A stunning first impression was not the same thing as love at first sight. But surely it was an invitation to consider the matter.'''
** p. 125

* The entire center of her life was a blackened waste, its long years not to be recovered nor replaced.
** p. 125

* '''The gods give no gifts without hooks embedded.'''
** p. 157

* ''So, you dragged me here, whichever of You harries me. But you cannot force me through that door. Nor can you open it yourselves. You cannot lift so much as a leaf; bending iron or my will is a task equally beyond your capacities''. They were at a stand, she and the gods.
** p. 168

* I have denied my eyes, both inner and outer. I am not a child, or virgin, or modest wife, fearing to offend. No one owns my eyes now but me. If I have not the stomach by now to look upon any sight in the world, good or evil, beautiful or vile, when shall I? It is far too late for innocence. My only hope is the much more painful consolation of wisdom. Which can grow out of knowledge alone. Give me my true eyes. I want to see. I have to know.
** p. 201

* &quot;I would be considerably more impressed with your god, dy Cabon,&quot; said Ista through her teeth, &quot;if He could have arranged one life's worth of simple protection in advance, rather than three hundred lives' worth of gaudy vengeance afterward.&quot;
** p. 271

* &quot;Such a perilous concentration of demons would create chaos all around it.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;War gathers on these borders,&quot; said Ista. &quot;A greater concentration of chaos I can hardly imagine.&quot;
** p. 281

* He gave me no sign. I was never the sort to receive portents, or to delude myself that I had. Silence was always my portion, in return for my prayers.
** p. 295

* You are a most excellent lawyer, for a dead man.
** p. 296

* '''One learns better than to hand one's choices to fear. With age, with every wound and scar, one learns.'''
** p. 296

* &quot;The gods would take him and leave me bereft, and I curse them!&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;I have cursed them for years,&quot; said Ista dryly. &quot;Turnabout being fair.&quot;
** p. 379

* We are all, every living one of us, doorways between the two realms, that of matter that gives us birth, and that of spirit into which we are born in death.
** p. 385 

* &quot;An hour will suffice. If it is the right hour.&quot;
** p. 396

* &quot;...your soul is your own, now, to make of what you will. We are all of us, every one, our own works: we present our souls to our Patrons at the ends of our lives as an artisan presents the works of his hands.&quot;
** p. 452-453

*One scarcely knows if he would be of more use to us as a hostage, or set loose to be a very bad enemy leader.
** p. 459

====''[[w:The Hallowed Hunt|The Hallowed Hunt]]'' (2005)====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the hardcover first edition, published by Eos, {{ISBN|0-06-057462-3}}, 5th printing &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; All italics and ellipses as in the book. &lt;/small&gt;

* Too little payment for a crime, too much for an accident.
** Chapter 1 (p. 6)

* Boleso’s men, Ingrey was reminded, were out of the habit of questioning the sense of their superiors’ orders. Or perhaps it was that any who dared were got rid of, one way or another, and these were the remainder. Residue. ''Scum.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 11)

* “Your pleasure, my lord?” he inquired nervously.&lt;br&gt;''To be anywhere but here, doing anything but this.''
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* So when Audar the so-called Great slaughtered four thousand Wealding prisoners of war at Bloomfield, it’s said he didn’t pray at all. That made it a proper Quintarian act, I suppose, and not heresy. Some other crime, perhaps, but not human sacrifice. One of those theological fine points.
** Chapter 2 (p. 27)

* It still felt like hauling buckets from a well of memory with a rope that burned his hands.
** Chapter 2 (p. 35)

* Indifference served him quite as well as integrity.
** Chapter 3 (p. 50)

* ''Those who are unwilling to admit error are fated to repeat it?''
** Chapter 4 (p. 57)

* Oswin was the most perfect servant of the Father, always so concerned for figuring out the exact rules and getting himself on the right side of them. Or them on the left side of him.
** Chapter 4 (p. 61)

* I saw no reason to stop my life for other people’s theories.
** Chapter 4 (p. 65)

* All sorts of men had the capacity to kill for the convenience of their betters;  though usually, the only spell required could be fitted in a clinking purse.
** Chapter 5 (p. 84)

* All my life I have prayed, and all my life I have been refused answer. I scarcely believed in the gods anymore, or if I did, it was only to curse them for their indifference. They betrayed my father, who had served Them loyally all his life. They betrayed my mother, or They were powerless to save her, which was as bad or worse. If a god has come to me, He certainly hasn’t come ''for'' me!
** Chapter 6 (p. 103)

* “High court politics,” said Ingrey slowly, “are as godless as anything I know.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 103)

* “And what guidance did you receive for all your prayers, lady?”&lt;br&gt;She bit her lip. “None.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 104)

* &quot;But have you ever overheard two women discussing men? Men are crude liars, comparing their drabs, but women—I'd rather have a Mother's anatomist dissect me alive than to listen to the things the ladies say about us when they think they are alone.&quot;
** Chapter 7 (p. 115)

* It is as much an error to take truth for lies, as lies for truth.
** Chapter 8 (p. 134)

* &quot;It is not, you know, that you lie well, cousin. It’s merely that no one is foolhardy enough to call you on it. This may have given you an inflated idea of your skill at dissimulation.&quot;
** Chapter 8 (p. 136)

* ''I do not know where I am going. But I am quite weary enough of where I’ve been.''
** Chapter 9 (p. 157)

* Magical powers worked sometimes; material powers worked all the time.
** Chapter 12 (p. 218)

* &quot;The gods have no hands in this world but ours. If we fail Them, where then can They turn?&quot;
** Chapter 12 (p. 226) &lt;br&gt; Note: this also appears before chapter one of The Physicians of Vilnoc

* Her lips curved up. “That’s very Ingrey of you, Ingrey. Always look on the dark side.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 255)

* Such corruption feeds on its own success when it meets no correction.
** Chapter 15 (p. 260)

* So much of the uncanny—or the holy, for that matter—is inward experience. As such, testimony about it tends to be tainted. People lie. People delude themselves, or others. People are swayed or frightened or convinced they have seen things they have not. People are, frankly, sometimes simply mad.
** Chapter 15 (pp. 263-264)

* Oh, fine new friends you have—until They betray you. If the gods toy with you, cousin, it is for Their ends, not yours.
** Chapter 16 (p. 279)

* “It must have been an interesting chat. Did Cumril survive it?”&lt;br&gt;“Temporarily.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 280)

* “Do you fear the gods will destroy you?”&lt;br&gt;That disturbing smile again. “That is not a fear. That is a prayer.”&lt;br&gt;“Or…do you fear their punishment? That they would plunge your soul into some eternal torment?”&lt;br&gt;Wencel leaned  forward, up on his toes. “That,” he breathed in Ingrey’s ear, “would be redundant.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 288)

* I learned long ago not to exhaust myself grappling problems that time will carry away on its tide.
** Chapter 16 (p. 289)

* If there is one thing that I have come to hate more than the gods, it is time.
** Chapter 16 (p. 290)

* But even the gods cannot see infinitely far ahead. Our free wills cloud Their vision, even though Their eyes are more piercing than ours. The gods do not ''plan,'' so much as ''take advantage.''
** Chapter 18 (p. 327)

* “Inventing as you go, are you?”&lt;br&gt;“Yes, I am quite godlike in that way, if no other.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 328)

* It was lately suggested to me, by a man with longer experience of the gods than I can rightly imagine, that the reason the gods do not show our paths more plainly is that They do not know either. I haven’t decided if I find this reassuring or the reverse. It does hint they do not torment us solely for Their amusement, at least.
** Chapter 19 (p. 351)

* Talking to the gods had been a much more comfortable proposition when there had seemed no danger of Their talking back.
** Chapter 20 (p. 367)

* &quot;Taste the betrayal of the gods, then; I have dined on it for ages.&quot;
** Chapter 23 (p. 425)

* Four thousand, so many! ''It matters less where I begin, as that I begin.''
** Chapter 24 (p. 438)

* Heaven weeps, but free will is sacred. The meaning of yes is created by the ability to say no.
** Chapter 24 (pp. 442-443)

=== [[w:Penric and Desdemona|Penric and Desdemona]]===
==== ''[[w:World of the Five Gods|Penric's Demon]]'' (2015) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the first hardcover edition, published by Subterranean Press, {{ISBN|978-1-59606-769-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The sharpest fall of all, from life to death.
** p. 50

* “Hair shirts, really, what is the ''point?”'' She gave the impression of a faint, dramatic shudder, and Pen smiled despite himself. She added more tartly, “And it indicates a deep confusion of thinking to mistake one’s own discomfort for a benefit to another.”
** p. 99

* A well-practiced prayer that he knew how to do. So he did, whispering the words aloud.&lt;br&gt;In all, he was relieved that no one answered.
** pp. 106-107

* It occurred to him that the attitude of supplication was identical to that of surrender on a battlefield.
** p. 164

* The gods do not act for our ends, but for Theirs.
** p. 166

==== ''[[w:Penric and the Shaman_(Bujold novella)|Penric and the Shaman]]'' (2016) ====
* &quot;Then I beg you to stay. And apply your ideas. Or counsel. Or wisdom, or unwisdom, or whatever you may dub it.&quot; Gallin drew breath. &quot;You have to ''try'' at least.&quot; 
** p.98
==== ''[[w:Penric's Fox_(Bujold novella)|Penric's Fox]]'' (2017) ====
* It was a continuing wonder to him how much less, rather than more, freedom that acquiring a responsible authority gave to one. Not at all how he'd pictured his elders, so seeming-powerful, as a child. 
** p.72
==== ''[[w:The Prisoner of Limnos_(Bujold novella)|The Prisoner of Limnos]]'' (2017) ====
* Des, it seemed, was much less terrified by this return to Cedonia than he was. Of course, a demon could not be killed exactly. &lt;br&gt; ''Are you saying I would be a surprise?''&lt;br&gt; ''Oh, Pen. You have been a surprise from the beginning''. 
** p. 24
* Who could foresee regrets? Her marriage had seemed fine, had been fine, until its ghastly truncation. To give one's heart to any living being, even a simple cat, was to risk such loss. 
** p. 64
* Time. It did not wait for any human want, or grief, or plan. Or careful list. Nearly half her life might be behind her already. It was time to get started on the next half. 
** p. 147

==== ''[[w:Orphans of Raspay_(Bujold novella)|Orphans of Raspay]]'' (2019) ====
*Just once, Pen thought glumly, he'd like to ''get'' an answer to prayers, instead of being ''delivered'' as one.
** p. 18

==== ''[[w:Assasins of Thasalon_(Bujold novel)|Assasins of Thasalon]]'' (2021)====
*Each soul makes their own choice, when they stand at their god's gate, whether to step through. And that will be entirely between them and their god. The person who may have hurried them to the gate—whether assasin or soldier on the battlefield or author of some fatal accident—has no part in this most private of transactions. Their deaths might be another's choice. Their sundering is all and only their own. 
** p. 116
*(Pen striving to explain to a fledging sorceress that she should deal kindly with her young, unsought demon) ''I did not say that well'', Pen fretted. &lt;br&gt; ''No'', said Des thoughtfully as they turned away, ''but you said it true. Which is better, and more rare.''
**p. 117

==== ''[[w:Knot of Shadows_(Bujold novella)|Knot of Shadows]]'' (2021)====
*Tolga guided him not to the morgue, but to a patient chamber alloted mostly to a dozen crippled old indigent men, some brought in to be healed, some to die. For a beggar, Pen was not entirely sure it was a better death than in an alley or under a bridge; death was never a comfortable process, despite cots and sheets and usually overworked attendants, and it took longer here.
** p. 10
*She used to ask, 'Why did the gods give [my son] to me if they were only going to take him away?' Learned Retaka never had an answer. &quot;No,&quot; said Pen slowly, &quot;that's backward. The gods do not give us our children. We give our children to the gods.&quot;
** p. 54
*Over and over in his career, Pen had confronted the insight that the gods did not care for humans' material concerns, much to the humans' dismay. Only with what record of them was carved into their souls by their unique and individual lives, presented as the final offering upon the alter of their deaths. All deaths, in whatever form. One by one, each attended to with the same singular consideration. Each valuated with the discernment of a connoisseur adding to his collection. Each placed in the niche found most fitting to it. Denied by self-will sometimes, by the gods' will at others, but never lost by ''carelessness''.
** p. 82

=== [[w:The Sharing Knife|The Sharing Knife]]===
==== ''[[w:Passage_(Bujold_novel)|Passage]]'' (Vol. III in Tetralogy) (2008) ====
* We see the world not as it is, but as we are. ~ Dag Redwing Hickory Bluefield
** p. 163
==== ''[[w:Knife Children|Knife Children]]'' (2019) ====
* Her eyes were full of new; it made them brighter.
** Loc 1972 of 2974

* '''''Words won't break bones'' seemed like the lying-est lie Barr had ever been told, as a child.''' Bones knit eventually, he knew from close personal experience. The scars of slander, an insult not just delivered but ''believed'', might never heal in a lifetime.
** Loc 2243 of 2974

* &quot;Thing is... she may get mad, but she isn't whiny or naggy about it. She doesn't store it up like a, a compost heap, all hot on the inside and rotting. She's angry like she has a ''right'', and no one disputes it.&quot; She added after a moment, &quot;Or tells her to be a good girl, or be quiet, or apologize. Or go to her room&quot; ~ Lily Mason, on why she admires Captain Amma
** Loc 2480 of 2974

=== A Girl's World interview (2006) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [http://www.agirlsworld.com/amy/pajama/wmhistory/careers/lois/index.html agirlsworld.com]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Glory, spectre.jpg|thumb|right|Be passionate, be picky, have enough self-criticism to demand of yourself your best and not sort of let it slide by. And remember that the greatest defect any piece of fiction can have is not to be finished.]]

* I don't take information and experience into my mind in that organized a fashion, but when I want to bring it out, somehow it's there. You write what you know because — like there's another choice? '''The trick is to try and know as much as possible.'''

* I am a much better person and a better writer having had my children than I would be otherwise. I would have missed a whole aspect of the human experience that's tremendously fundamental to things like characterization. &lt;br&gt; A lot of writers write as if the hero sort of popped out of the box at age 22 fully formed. And one thing that raising children does is give you some sense of how human beings really are put together. So when you go to put together a character you can have a more realistic sense of where people really come from, why they really behave the way they do and what a tremendous amount of life and complexity lies behind every human being. &lt;br&gt; But I think you can get that from being a father too. I think it's something you can do by growing up and being observant even if you don't have children.

* Don't worry about that depressing old dictum &quot;Write what you know&quot;. If you need to know something, look it up. Learn how to find out what you need to know to make it right. '''Be passionate, be picky, have enough self-criticism to demand of yourself your best and not sort of let it slide by. And remember that the greatest defect any piece of fiction can have is not to be finished.'''

=== Geek Speak Magazine Interview (2010) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [http://www.geekspeakmagazine.com/archive/issue9/features/inspiration_is_everywhere.htm geekspeakmagazine.com]&lt;/small&gt;

* Some fortunate, prolific writers seem to be able, efficiently, to keep several projects going at once; it appears I am not one of them.

* I don’t write stories to tell readers what to think, or even tell them what I think; I write stories to show ''me'' what I think. Writing is always a journey of discovery that way, as suspenseful for me as I hope it will be for the audience.

* Lots of us SF-types like the idea of traveling to the Future (although, having now done so once myself -- the hard way -- I’m less sure), but why do we imagine the Future would want us? Oh, a few 21st-century Icemen, perhaps, as historical curiosities, but in our hundreds of millions? It would be like the greatest wave of immigration ever, but from the past into other people’s Now. It might seem to them like sacrificing resources needed for their children to their great-great-great-grandparents. Counter-evolutionary, among other things.

===Lightspeed Magazine interview (2011)===
:&lt;small&gt;Online interview at [https://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/nonfiction/feature-interview-lois-mcmaster-bujold/ LightspeedMagazine.com]&lt;/small&gt;

*'''The writer should always reserve the right to have a better idea.'''

**Posted to the [https://web.archive.org/web/19990117002816/http://www.dendarii.com/bujold_faq.html Dendarii.com Lois McMaster Bujold Plot FAQ] as an official statement from Bujold, no later than 1999: '''The Author ''always'' reserves the right to have a better idea.'''

*It's an interesting problem, though, for writers of popular series. Should one [[:W:Sherlock Holmes|throw one's protagonist over the Reichenbach Falls, or let him fade gently into the sunset of the Sussex Downs, keeping bees]]? (Or both?) '''No matter which the writer chooses, someone will be unhappy about it. If one's audience is large enough, it will collectively demand every possible closure, most mutually exclusive.'''

== Quotes about Bujold ==
* '''Read, or you will be missing something extraordinary.'''
** [[w:Roland J. Green|Roland J. Green]] of the Chicago Sun-Times (1 May 1988) in a review of ''[[w:Vorkosigan Saga#Falling Free|Falling Free]]''.

* The apparently effortless fluidity of both style and story may actually have mitigated against critical notice, in comparison to notorious stylists like [[William Gibson]], or, again, [[Ursula K. Le Guin|Ursula Le Guin]]. But, despite Bujold's space opera plots, the flashes of humour rare either in Le Guin or in SF as a whole, and the steady pigeonholing of her work as military SF, her similarities to Le Guin go far beyond the presence of that wall. &lt;br /&gt; Firstly, both are consummate character-builders. Indeed, characterization, emphasis on character, and plots that depend on character and the novums of technology are among Bujold's strongpoints. Nowhere does this emerge more clearly than if her work is taken as military SF and compared to that of writers like [[Jerry Pournelle]] or [[David Weber]].
** [[w:Sylvia Kelso|Sylvia Kelso]], in &quot;Loud Achievements: Lois Mcmaster Bujold’s Science Fiction&quot;, first published in ''[[w:New York Review of Science Fiction|New York Review of Science Fiction]]'' 122 &amp; 123 (October &amp; November 1998)

* '''I got the same sort of feeling reading her works as I had gotten from classic [[Robert A. Heinlein|Heinlein]]: a renewed faith in humanity and a desire to explore and do good in the universe. Great feeling.'''
** [[w:Toni Weisskopf|Toni Weisskopf]] in &quot;A Conversation With Toni Weisskopf&quot;, interview by John Helfers, in ''The Vorkosigan Companion'' (2008), p. 78

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.dendarii.com/ The Bujold Nexus]
*[http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/b/lois-mcmaster-bujold/ Fantastic Fiction Author Page]
*[http://www.ibdof.com/viewforum.php?f=1811 Official forum (to which the author regularly contributes) at IBDoF]
*[http://www.worldswithoutend.com/author.asp?ID=39#books Complete list of sci-fi award wins and nominations by novel]
*{{isfdb name|id=Lois_McMaster_Bujold|name=Lois McMaster Bujold}}

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    <title>Quantum mechanics</title>
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      <comment>Nolan, img Wp Robert Oppenheimer.</comment>
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      <text bytes="53730" sha1="bfi3boa2eqywbzs498g482c09vvzyhz" xml:space="preserve">[[File:David Bohm.jpg|thumb|right|The entire universe must, on a very accurate level, be regarded as a single indivisible unit in which separate parts appear as idealisations permissible only on a classical level of accuracy of description. This means that the view of the world being analogous to a huge machine, the predominant view from the sixteenth to nineteenth centuries, is now shown to be only approximately correct. The underlying structure of matter, however, is not mechanical. This means that the term &quot;quantum mechanics&quot; is very much a misnomer. It should, perhaps, be called &quot;quantum nonmechanics&quot;.&lt;br&gt;~ [[David Bohm]]]]
'''[[w:Quantum mechanics|Quantum mechanics]]''' is a fundamental [[w:Scientific theory|theory]] in [[physics]] that provides a description of the physical properties of [[nature]] at the scale of [[atom]]s and [[w:subatomic particle|subatomic particle]]s. It is the foundation of all quantum physics including [[w:quantum chemistry|quantum chemistry]], [[quantum field theory]], [[w:quantum technology|quantum technology]], and [[w:quantum information science|quantum information science]].

Quantum mechanics differs from classical physics in that [[energy]], [[w:momentum|momentum]], [[w:angular momentum|angular momentum]], and other quantities of a [[w:Bound state|bound]] system are restricted to [[w:Discrete mathematics|discrete values]] ([[w:Quantization (physics)|quantization]]); objects have characteristics of both [[particle]]s and [[wave]]s ([[w:wave–particle duality|wave–particle duality]]); and there are limits to how accurately the value of a physical quantity can be predicted prior to its measurement, given a complete set of initial conditions (the [[uncertainty principle]]).
__NOTOC__
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== Quotes ==
=== A ===
[[File:Three paths from A to B.png|thumb|right|I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics. ~ [[Richard Feynman]] ]]
* So, what is quantum mechanics? Even though it was discovered by physicists, it’s not a physical theory in the same sense as electromagnetism or general relativity. In the usual “hierarchy of sciences” – with biology at the top, then chemistry, then physics, then math – quantum mechanics sits at a level between math and physics that I don’t know a good name for. Basically, quantum mechanics is the operating system that other physical theories run on as application software (with the exception of general relativity, which hasn’t yet been successfully ported to this particular OS). There’s even a word for taking a physical theory and porting it to this OS: “to quantize.”
** Scott Aaronson, ''Quantum Computing Since Democritus'' (2013), Ch. 9 : Quantum

* We cannot make apparatuses arbitrarily big. ... We might need some extension of quantum mechanics.
**{{cite web|author=[[Nima Arkani-Hamed]]|title=Nima Arkani-Hamed — Unification and Fundamental Physics: A Status Report 9-21-2018 (Madrid)|date=21 September 2018|website=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXYvFMqwbhc}} (122:20 of 1:37:48)

* Christian Imbert, to support my project and to act as my thesis advisor. He had advised me to go first to Geneva, to discuss my proposal with [[John Stewart Bell|John Bell]]. I got an appointment without delay, and I showed up in John's office at CERN, quite nervous. While I explained my planned experiment, he listened silently. Eventually, I stopped talking, and the first question came: '''&quot;Have you a permanent position?&quot;''' After my positive answer, he started talking of physics, and he definitely encouraged me, making it clear that he would consider the implementation of variable analysers a fundamental improvement. Remembering this first question reminds me both of his celebrated sense of humour and of the general atmosphere at that time about raising questions on the foundations of quantum mechanics. Quite frequently there was open hostility, and in the best case, irony: &quot;quantum mechanics has been vindicated by such a large amount of work by the smartest theorists and experimentalists; how can you hope to find anything with such a simple scheme, in optics, a science of the 19th century?&quot; In addition to starting the experiment, I had then to develop a line of argument to try to convince the physicists I met (and among them some had to give their opinion about funding my project).
** [[Alain Aspect]], &quot;Bell's Theorem: The Naive View of an Experimentalist&quot;, in ''Quantum [Un]speakables'' (2002) edited by Reinhold A. Bertlmann and Anton Zeilinger

* Quantum mechanics was, and continues to be, revolutionary, primarily because it demands the introduction of radically new concepts to better describe the world. In addition we have argued that conceptual quantum revolutions in turn enable technological quantum revolutions.
** [[Alain Aspect]], &quot;Introduction: John Bell and the second quantum revolution&quot;, in J. S. Bell, ''Speakable and Unspeakable in Quantum Mechanics'' (2nd ed, 2004)

* No other theory of the physical world has caused such consternation as quantum theory, for no other theory has so completely overthrown the previously cherished concepts of classical physics and our everyday apprehension of reality. For philosophers, it has been a romping ground of epistemological adventure of pessimism about science's ability to expose ultimate truth. For physicists, it has required a confrontation with the nature of physical reality and a heady inhalation of new attitudes. For all scientists and technologists, it has been the key to advances in all fields of endeavor, from genetics to superconductivity.&lt;br&gt;The extraordinary feature of quantum theory is that although we do not understand it, we can apply the rules of calculation it inspires, and compute properties of matter to unparalleled accuracy, in some cases with a precision that exceeds that currently obtained from experiment.
** [[Peter Atkins]], Foreword to ''Beyond Measure'' (2004) by [[Jim Baggott]]

=== B ===
* … that what is proved, by impossibility proofs, is lack of imagination.
** [[John S. Bell]], On the impossible pilot wave, Ref.TH.3315-CERN, 1982, p. 15

* I am a Quantum Engineer, but on Sundays I Have Principles.
** [[John S. Bell]] Opening sentence of his &quot;underground colloquium&quot; in March 1983, as quoted by Nicolas Gisin in an edition by {{cite book | author=J. S. Bell, Reinhold A. Bertlmann, [[Anton Zeilinger]] | title=Quantum [un]speakables: from Bell to quantum information | publisher=Springer | year=2002 | isbn=3540427562 | page=199 }}

* Quantum mechanics had never been wrong. And now we know that it will not be wrong even in these very tricky conditions.
** [[John S. Bell]], interview in ''The Ghost in the Atom: A Discussion of the Mysteries of Quantum Physics'' (1986) edited by P. C. W. Davies and Julian R. Brown

* I'm quite convinced of that: quantum theory is only a temporary expedient.
** [[John S. Bell]], interview in ''The Ghost in the Atom: A Discussion of the Mysteries of Quantum Physics'' (1986) edited by P. C. W. Davies and Julian R. Brown

* This particular question of locality is still open, in my opinion. I think we have not found a way of digesting this situation. I think we have not found a way of digesting this situation. We have the formulas of quantum mechanics, and they work extremely well; but I have not digested them. There certainly remains something to be said, some illumination to be found.
** [[John S. Bell]], in interview, [http://www.housevampyr.com/training/library/books/omni/OMNI_1988_05.pdf ''Omni'', May 1988], p. 121

* I hesitated to think it might be wrong, but I knew that it was rotten. That is to say, one has to find some decent way of expressing whatever truth there is in it.
** [[John S. Bell]], quoted in [[Jeremy Bernstein]], ''Quantum Profiles'' (1991), John Stewart Bell: Quantum Engineer

*The entire universe must, on a very accurate level, be regarded as a single indivisible unit in which separate parts appear as idealisations permissible only on a classical level of accuracy of description. This means that the view of the world being analogous to a huge machine, the predominant view from the sixteenth to nineteenth centuries, is now shown to be only approximately correct. The underlying structure of matter, however, is not mechanical. This means that the term &quot;quantum mechanics&quot; is very much a misnomer. It should, perhaps, be called &quot;quantum nonmechanics&quot;.
** [[David Bohm]], ''Quantum Theory'' (1951)

* For those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum theory cannot possibly have understood it.
** [[Niels Bohr]], in 1952, quoted in {{cite book| title=Physics and Beyond| author=Heisenberg, Werner| publisher=Harper and Row| location=New York| year=1971| pages=206}}

* If [[Theory of relativity|relativity]] is about the geometrical structure of space-time, what is quantum mechanics about? There are a surprising variety of answers to this question: that quantum mechanics is about [[energy]] being quantized in discrete lumps or quanta, or about [[w:wave–particle duality|particles being wavelike]], or about the [[many-worlds interpretation|universe continually splitting]] into countless co-existing quasi-classical universes, with many copies of ourselves, and so on. A rather more mundane answer, with quite remarkable implications, has emerged over the past thirty years or so from the study of the difference between classical information and [[quantum information]]: quantum mechanics is about new sorts of probabilistic correlations in nature, so about the structure of information, insofar as a theory of information in the sense relevant to physics is essentially a theory of probabilistic correlations.
** [[w:Jeffrey Bub|Jeffrey Bub]], ''Bananaworld: Quantum Mechanics for Primates'' (2015), Ch. 1 : Nobody Understands Quantum Mechanics

* It is a poorly-kept secret that the grandfathers of quantum mechanics, Bohr, Oppenheimer, Heisenberg, Einstein, de Broglie, Jeans, but in particular Schrödinger were fascinated and inspired by Vedic cosmology.
**-J. Peter Burgess in Science Blurring its Edges into Spirit: The Quantum Path to Ātma. Millennium Journal, 2018

=== C ===

*We shall see how the two foundations of twentieth-century physics - quantum theory and relativity - both force us to see the world very much in the way a Hindu, Buddhist or Taoist sees it .. 
**(Fritjof Capra, Tao of Physics, 1975)

* The power of the new quantum mechanics in giving us a better understanding of events on an atomic scale is becoming increasingly evident. The structure of the helium atom, the existence of half-quantum numbers in band spectra, the continuous spatial distribution of photo-electrons, and the phenomenon of radioactive disintegration, to mention only a few examples, are achievements of the new theory which had baffled the old.
** [[Arthur Compton]], Foreword to the English edition of ''The Physical Principles of the Quantum Theory'' by W. Heisenberg (1930)

=== D ===
*  Already in 1948, observations... agreed with quantum mechanics, not with local [[reality|realism]].
** [[Richard Dalitz|R. H. Dalitz]] and [[F. J. Duarte]], [[John Clive Ward]], ''Physics Today'' '''53''', 99-100 (2000).

* The current probabilistic interpretation of the quantum theory leads in its general lines to exact conclusions. But since it denies every possibility of a precise image of the development of phenomena in [[space]] and [[time]], it continues to be surrounded by a certain obscurity. It is not at all certain that it furnishes a complete description of physical reality : scientists as eminent as [[Max Planck|Planck]], [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] and [[Erwin Schrödinger|Schrödinger]] have always expressed doubts on this subject. The idea of [[David Bohm|Prof. Bohm]] that it may be necessary to introduce new 'levels' of physical reality deeper and more hidden than those revealed by current experience therefore seems perfectly defensible to me. For my part, returning after a number of years to certain ideas that I had considered previously when I was developing the first bases of wave mechanics, I have examined this question in the light of the conceptions of Prof. Bohm and in collaboration with certain young scientists at the {{w|Institut Henri Poincaré}}. In particular, I have asked myself whether it would not be possible to find an interpretation which, while retaining all the results given by probabilistic quantum physics, would permit us to obtain a more clear and more intelligible image of micro-physical facts.
** [[Louis de Broglie]], {{cite journal|title=Physics and Metaphysics|journal=Nature|date=June 28, 1958|volume=181|doi=10.1038/1811814a0}} (p. 1814)

* [[Classical mechanics]] has been developed continuously from the time of [[Newton]] and applied to an ever-widening range of dynamical systems, including the electromagnetic field in interaction with matter. The underlying ideas and the laws governing their application form a simple and elegant scheme, which one would be inclined to think could not be seriously modified without having all its attractive features spout. Nevertheless it has been found possible to set up a new scheme, called quantum mechanics, which is more suitable for the description of phenomena on the atomic scale and which is in some respects more elegant and satisfying than the classical scheme. This possibility is due to the changes which the new scheme involves being of a very profound character and not clashing with the features of the classical theory that make it so attractive, as a result of which all these features can be incorporated in the new scheme.
** [[P. A. M. Dirac]], ''The Principles of Quantum Mechanics'' (4th ed., 1958), I. The Principle of Superposition - 1. The need for a quantum theory

* I have observed in teaching quantum mechanics, and also in learning it, that students go through an experience similar to the one that Pupin describes. The student begins by learning the tricks of the trade. He learns how to make calculations in quantum mechanics and get the right answers, how to calculate the scattering of neutrons by protons and so forth. To learn the mathematics of the subject and to learn how to use it takes about six months. This is the first stage in learning quantum mechanics, and it is comparatively painless. The second stage comes when the student begins to worry because he does not understand what he has been doing. He worries because he has no clear physical picture in his head. He gets confused in trying to arrive at a physical explanation for each of the mathematical tricks he has been taught. He works very hard and gets discouraged because he does not seem to be able to think clearly. This second stage often lasts six months or longer. It is strenuous and unpleasant. Then, unexpectedly, the third stage begins. The student suddenly says to himself, “I understand quantum mechanics,” or rather he says, “I understand now that there isn’t anything to be understood.” The difficulties which seemed so formidable have mysteriously vanished. What has happened is that he has learned to think directly and unconsciously in quantum-mechanical language. He is no longer trying to explain everything in terms of prequantum conceptions.&lt;br&gt;The duration and severity of the second stage are decreasing as the years go by. Each new generation of students learns quantum mechanics more easily than their teachers learned it. The students are growing more detached from prequantum pictures. There is less resistance to be broken down before they feel at home with quantum ideas. Ultimately, the second stage will disappear entirely. Quantum mechanics will be accepted by students from the beginning as a simple and natural way of thinking, because we shall all have grown used to it. By that time, if science progresses as we hope, we shall be ready for the next big jump into the unknown.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], &quot;Innovation in Physics&quot;, ''Scientific American'' (1958), published in ''From Eros to Gaia''

* For me, the important thing about quantum mechanics is the equations, the mathematics. If you want to understand quantum mechanics, just do the math. All the words that are spun around it don’t mean very much. It’s like playing the violin. If violinists were judged on how they spoke, it wouldn’t make much sense. 
** [[Freeman Dyson]], [http://www.salon.com/2007/09/29/freeman_dyson/ Interview with Onnesha Roychoudhuri] (Sep 29, 2007)

=== E ===
* ''Die Quantenmechanik ist sehr achtung-gebietend. Aber eine innere Stimme sagt mir, daß das doch nicht der wahre Jakob ist. Die Theorie liefert viel, aber dem Geheimnis des Alten bringt sie uns kaum näher. Jedenfalls bin ich überzeugt, daß der nicht würfelt.''
** Quantum mechanics is certainly imposing. But an inner voice tells me that it is not yet the real thing. The theory says a lot, but does not really bring us any closer to the secret of the &quot;old one.&quot; '''I, at any rate, am convinced that ''He'' does not throw dice.'''
** [[Albert Einstein]], Letter to [[Max Born]] (4 December 1926); ''The Born-Einstein Letters'' (translated by Irene Born) (Walker and Company, New York, 1971) &lt;!-- p. 90 --&gt; &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0-8027-0326-7}}&lt;/small&gt;.

* What quantum mechanics tells us, I believe, is surprising to say the least. It tells us that the basic components of objects – the particles, electrons, quarks etc. – cannot be thought of as &quot;self-existent&quot;. The reality that they, and hence all objects, are components of is merely &quot;empirical reality&quot;. 
** Bernard d'Espagnat, &quot;Quantum weirdness: What we call 'reality' is just a state of mind&quot;, ''Guardian'' (20 March 2009)

=== F ===
* However unfamiliar this direct interparticle treatment compared to the [[w:Classical electromagnetism|electrodynamics]] of [[James Clerk Maxwell|Maxwell]] and [[w:Hendrik Lorentz|Lorentz]], it deals with the same problems, talks about the same charges, considers the interactions of the same current elements, obtains the same capacitances, predicts the same inductances and yields the same physical conclusions. Consequently [[w:Action at a distance|action-at-a-distance]] must have a close connection with field theory.
** [[Richard Feynman]] and [[John Archibald Wheeler]], Rev. Mod. Phys. 21, 425 (1949)

* ...the &quot;paradox&quot; is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality &quot;ought to be.&quot;
** [[Richard Feynman]], in ''The Feynman Lectures on Physics'', vol III, p. 18-9 (1965)

* It will be difficult. But the difficulty really is psychological and exists in the perpetual torment that results from your saying to yourself, 'But how can it be like that?' which is a reflection of uncontrolled but utterly vain desire to see it in terms of something familiar. I will not describe it in terms of an analogy with something familiar; I will simply describe it. There was a time when the newspapers said that only twelve men understood the theory of relativity. I do not believe there ever was such a time. There might have been a time when only one man did, because he was the only guy who caught on, before he wrote his paper. But after people read the paper a lot of people understood the theory of relativity in some way or other, certainly more than twelve. On the other hand, I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics. So do not take the lecture too seriously, feeling that you really have to understand in terms of some model what I am going to describe, but just relax and enjoy it. I am going to tell you what nature behaves like. If you will simply admit that maybe she does behave like this, you will find her a delightful, entrancing thing. Do not keep saying to yourself, if you can possibly avoid it, 'But how can it be like that?' because you will get 'down the drain', into a blind alley from which nobody has yet escaped. Nobody knows how it can be like that.
** [[Richard Feynman]], in ''The Character of Physical Law'' (1965)

* We have always had a great deal of difficulty understanding the [[world view]] that quantum mechanics represents. At least I do, because I'm an old enough man that I haven't got to the point that this stuff is obvious to me. Okay, I still get nervous with it.... You know how it always is, every new idea, it takes a generation or two until it becomes obvious that there's no real problem. I cannot define the real problem, therefore I suspect there's no real problem, but I'm not sure there's no real problem.
** [[Richard Feynman]], in ''Simulating Physics with Computers'' appearing in ''International Journal of Theoretical Physics'' (1982) p. 471.

* We choose to examine a phenomenon &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[w:Double-slit experiment|Double-slit experiment]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; which is impossible, ''absolutely'' impossible, to explain in any classical way, and which has in it the heart of quantum mechanics. In reality, it contains the ''only'' mystery. We cannot make the mystery go away by &quot;explaining&quot; how it works. We will just tell you how it works. In telling you how it works we will have told you about the basic peculiarities of all quantum mechanics.
** [[Richard Feynman]], ''The Feynman Lectures on Physics'': Commemorative Issue, Vol. 3 Quantum Mechanics (1989) 1-1, &quot;Quantum Behavior.&quot;

* Quantum theory was split up into dialects. Different people describe the same experiences in remarkably different languages. This is confusing even to physicists.
** [[David Finkelstein]], in ''Physical Process and Physical Law'', in an edition by {{cite book | author=Timothy E. Eastman, Hank Keeton | title=Physics and Whitehead: quantum, process, and experience | publisher=SUNY Press | year=2004 | isbn= 0791459136 | page=181 }}

* Many educators, and even politicians, have been firmly convinced that &quot;free will&quot; is not compatible with Newtonian physics, but very much so with quantum theory. They have been convinced also that it is desirable that the citizen should believe in free will, and they have exerted a certain influence in favor of the indeterministic formulation of subatomic physics. What they have in mind is certainly a sociological purpose of science, whatever the technological purposes may be.
** {{w|Philipp Frank}}, ''Philosophy of Science: The Link Between Science and Philosophy'' (1957) p. 358.

=== G ===
* Quantum mechanics, that mysterious, confusing discipline, which none of us really understands but which we know how to use. It works perfectly, as far as we can tell, in describing physical reality, but it is a ‘counter-intuitive discipline’, as social scientists would say. Quantum mechanics is not a theory, but rather a framework, within which we believe any correct theory must fit.
** [[Murray Gell-Mann]], &quot;Questions for the future&quot;, Series Wolfson College lectures, 1980. Oxford University Press, Oxford (1981). Also in the collection ''The Nature of Matter'', Wolfson College Lectures 1980. J. H. Mulvey, ed. (Clarendon Press, Oxford, 1981)

* Just a few months after [[Louis de Broglie|de Broglie]]'s [[w:Matter wave|suggestion]], [[Erwin Schrödinger|Schrödinger]] took the decisive step... by determining an equation that governs the shape and the evolution of [[w:Wave packet|probability wave]]s, or as they became known, ''{{w|wave function}}s''. It was not long before [[w:Schrödinger equation|Schrödinger's equation]] and the probabilistic interpretation were being used to make wonderfully accurate predictions. By 1927, therefore, '''[[w:Classical physics|classical]] innocence had been lost. Gone were the days of a {{w|clockwork universe}}''' whose individual constituents were set in motion at some moment in the past and obediently fulfilled their inescapable, uniquely determined destiny. According to quantum mechanics, the universe evolves according to a rigorous and precise mathematical formalism, but this framework determines only the probability that any particular function will happen—not which future actually ensues.
** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) Ch. 4 Microscopic Weirdness.

* Unlike Newton's mechanics, or Maxwell's electrodynamics, or Einstein's relativity, quantum theory was not created—or even definitively packaged—by one individual, and it retains to this day some of the scars of its exhilarating but traumatic youth. There is no general consensus as to what its fundamental principles are, how it should be taught, or what it really &quot;means.&quot; Every competent physicist can &quot;do&quot; quantum mechanics, but the stories we tell ourselves about what we are doing are as various as the tales of Scheherazade, and almost as implausible.
** David J. Griffith, ''Introduction to Quantum Mechanics'' (2nd ed., 2005), Preface

* Quantum mechanics is clearly superior to classical mechanics for the description of microscopic phenomena, and in principle works equally well for macroscopic phenomena. Hence it is at least plausible that the mathematical and logical structure of quantum mechanics better reflect physical reality than do their classical counter parts. If this reasoning is accepted, quantum theory requires various changes in our view of physical reality relative to what was widely accepted before the quantum era, among them the following:&lt;p&gt;1. Physical objects never possess a completely precise position or momentum.&lt;br&gt;2. The fundamental dynamical laws of physics are stochastic and not deterministic, so from the present state of the world one cannot infer a unique future (or past) course of events.&lt;br&gt;3. The principle of unicity does not hold: there is not a unique exhaustive description of a physical system or a physical process. Instead, reality is such that it can be described in various alternative, incompatible ways, using descriptions which cannot be combined or compared.
** [[w:Robert B. Griffiths|Robert B. Griffiths]], ''Consistent Quantum Theory'' (2002), Ch. 27 : Quantum theory and reality

=== H ===
* Quantum physics, as our new subject is called, answers such questions as: Why do the stars shine? Why do the elements exhibit the order that is so apparent in the periodic table? How do transistors and other microelectronic devices work? Why does copper conduct electricity but glass does not? In fact, scientists and engineers have applied quantum physics in almost every aspect of everyday life, from medical instrumentation to transportation systems to entertainment industries. Indeed, because quantum physics accounts for all of chemistry, including biochemistry, we need to understand it if we are to understand life itself.&lt;br&gt;Some of the predictions of quantum physics seem strange even to the physicists and philosophers who study its foundations. Still, experiment after experiment has proved the theory correct, and many have exposed even stranger aspects of the theory.The quantum world is an amusement park full of wonderful rides that are guaranteed to shake up the commonsense world view you have developed since childhood.
** Jearl Walker, David Halliday and Robert Resnick, ''Fundamentals of Physics'' (10th edition, 2014), Ch. 38 : Photons and Matter Waves

* [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was confused, not the quantum theory.
** [[Stephen Hawking]], Lecture at the Amsterdam Symposium on Gravity, Black Holes, and String Theory (June 21, 1997)

* My attitude — I would paraphrase [[Hermann Göring#Misattributed|Goering]]—is that '''when I hear of [[w:Schrödinger's cat|Schrödinger's cat]], I reach for my gun.'''
** [[Stephen Hawking]], in a conversation with [[w:Timothy Ferris|Timothy Ferris]] (4 April 1983), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=qjYbQ7EBAKwC&amp;lpg=PA345&amp;ots=F6VWymjiPx&amp;dq=%22reach%20for%20my%20revolver%22%20hawking%20-%22oft-made%22&amp;pg=PA345#v=onepage&amp;q=%22reach%20for%20my%20revolver%22%20hawking%20-%22oft-made%22&amp;f=false ''The Whole Shebang'' (1998) by Timothy Ferris, p. 345]

* Physicists do not believe quantum mechanics because it explains the world, but because it predicts the outcome of experiments with almost miraculous accuracy. Theorists kept predicting new particles and other phenomena, and experiments kept bearing out those predictions.
** [[John Horgan (journalist)|John Horgan]], ''The End of Science'' (1996) p. 70

* Of course, the apparent disarray could have stemmed entirely from my own ignorance. But when I revealed my impression of confusion and dissonance to one of the attendees, he reassured me that my perception was accurate. “It’s a mess,” he said of the conference (and, by implication, the whole business of interpreting quantum mechanics). The problem, he noted, arose because, for the most part, the different interpretations of quantum mechanics cannot be empirically distinguished from one another; philosophers and physicists favor one interpretation over another for aesthetic and philosophical—that is, subjective—reasons.
** [[John Horgan (journalist)|John Horgan]], ''The End of Science'' (1996), Ch. 3: The End of Science

* [[Erwin Schrödinger|Erwin]] with his [[w:Wave function|psi]] can do &lt;br  /&gt; Calculations quite a few. &lt;br  /&gt; But one thing has not been seen: &lt;br  /&gt; Just what does psi really mean?
** [[Erich Hückel]], translated by [[Felix Bloch]] and quoted in ''Traditions et tendances nouvelles des études romanes au Danemark'' (1988) by Ebbe Spang-Hanssen and Michael Herslund, p. 207; also  in ''The Pioneers of NMR and Magnetic Resonance in Medicine : The Story of MRI‎'' (1996) by James Mattson and Merrill Simon, p. 278

=== K ===
* It is often stated that of all the theories proposed in this century, the silliest is quantum theory. In fact, some say that the only thing that quantum theory has going for it is that it is unquestionably correct.
** [[Michio Kaku]], in ''Hyperspace'' (1995), p. 263

=== L ===
* In this connection the &quot;classical object&quot; is usually called apparatus, and its interaction with the electron is spoken of as measurement. However, it must be emphasized that we are here not discussing a process of measurement in which the physicist-observer takes part. By measurement, in quantum mechanics, we understand any process of interaction between classical and quantum objects, occurring apart from and independently of any observer. The importance of the concept of measurement in quantum mechanics was elucidated by [[Niels Bohr|N. Bohr]].&lt;br&gt;We have defined &quot;apparatus&quot; as a physical object which is governed, with sufficient accuracy, by classical mechanics. Such, for instance, is a body of large enough mass. However, it must not be supposed that apparatus is necessarily macroscopic. Under certain conditions, the part of apparatus may also be taken by an object which is microscopic, since the idea of &quot;with sufficient accuracy&quot; depends on the actual problem proposed. Thus, the motion of an electron in a Wilson chamber is observed by means of the cloudy track which it leaves, and the thickness of this is large compared with atomic dimensions; when the path is determined with such low accuracy, the electron is an entirely classical object.&lt;br&gt;Thus quantum mechanics occupies a very unusual place among physical theories: it contains classical mechanics as a limiting case, yet at the same time it requires this limiting case for its own formulation. 
** [[Lev Landau]] and [[Evgeny Lifshitz]], ''Quantum Mechanics (Non-relativistic theory)'' (3rd ed., 1977)

=== M ===
* I would like to describe an attitude toward quantum mechanics which, whether or not it clarifies the interpretational problems that continue to plague the subject, at least sets them in a rather different perspective. This point of view alters somewhat the language used to address these issues—a glossary is provided in Appendix C—and it may offer a less perplexing basis for teaching quantum mechanics or explaining it to nonspecialists. It is based on one fundamental in sight, perhaps best introduced by an analogy.&lt;br&gt;My complete answer to the late 19th century question &quot;what is electrodynamics trying to tell us&quot; would simply be this:&lt;p&gt;''Fields in empty space have physical reality; the medium that supports them does not.''&lt;p&gt;Having thus removed the mystery from electrodynamics, let me immediately do the same for quantum mechanics:&lt;p&gt;''Correlations have physical reality; that which they correlate does not.''
** [[N. David Mermin]], &quot;What is quantum mechanics trying to tell us?&quot;, Am. J. Phys. '''66''', 753 (1998)

* Quantum mechanics is a more general model than classical mechanics, in the same way that Einsteinian relativity is a more general model than Galilean relativity. One picture subsumes the other. Quantum mechanics, pushed to the limit of the large, goes over smoothly into classical mechanics, whereas classical mechanics remains resolutely classical even when pushed to the limit of the small. ...[[Werner Heisenberg|Heisenberg]], [[Erwin Schrödinger|Schrödinger]], [[Paul Dirac|Dirac]], and the other early quantum mechanicians ...needed to peek at the classical equations in order to set the quantum equations on the right track. They needed... an idea of where the broader theory must eventually lead.&lt;!--p.205--&gt;
** Michael Munowitz, ''Knowing: The Nature of Physical Law'' (2005)

=== N ===
* Quantum mechanics fascinates me. It describes a wide variety of phenomena based on very few assumptions. It starts with a framework so unlike the differential equations of classical physics, yet it contains classical physics within it. It provides quantitative predictions for many physical situations, and these predictions agree with experiments. In short, quantum mechanics is the ultimate basis, today, by which we understand the physical world.
** Jim Napolitano, Preface to the Second Edition of ''Modern Quantum Mechanics'' (2011) by [[J. J. Sakurai]]

=== O ===
* In his standoff with [[w:Norman Ramsey|Dr. Ramsay]] of Harvard last fall, [[w:Anthony Leggett|Dr. Leggett]] suggested that his colleagues should consider the merits of the latter theory. &quot;Why should we think of an electron as being in two states at once but not a cat, when the theory is ostensibly the same in both cases?&quot; Dr. Leggett asked.&lt;br&gt;Dr. Ramsay said that Dr. Leggett had missed the point. How the wave function mutates is not what you calculate. &quot;What you calculate is the prediction of a measurement,&quot; he said.&lt;br&gt;&quot;If it's a cat, I can guarantee you will get that it's alive or dead,&quot; Dr. Ramsay said.&lt;br&gt;[[w:David Gross|David Gross]], a recent Nobel winner and director of the Kavli Institute for Theoretical Physics in Santa Barbara, leapt into the free-for-all, saying that 80 years had not been enough time for the new concepts to sink in. &quot;We're just too young. We should wait until 2200 when quantum mechanics is taught in kindergarten.&quot;
** Dennis Overbye, &quot;Quantum Trickery: Testing Einstein's Strangest Theory&quot;, ''The New York Times'' (Dec. 27, 2005)

=== P ===
* I argue that what breathes fire into the [[Quantum mechanics|QM]] equations is field-theoretic ''what-it's-like''ness: &quot;microqualia&quot; to use a philosopher's term of art. The different values of the solutions to the ultimate physical equations exhaustively yield the abundance of different values of subjectivity. There is no room for dualism; &quot;nomological danglers&quot;; causally inert epiphenomena; classical, porridge-like lumps of otherwise insentient but magically mind-secreting matter, etc. There is no &quot;explanatory gap&quot; because there aren't any ''material'' objects - not even brains or nerve cells as commonly (mis)perceived. Instead, over millions of years, non-equilibrium thermodynamics and universal, (neo-)Darwinian principles of [[natural selection]] have contrived to organise a minimal and self-intimating subjective sludge of microqualia into complex functional living units. Initially, these units have taken the form of self-replicating, information-bearing biomolecular patterns. Eventually, selection-pressure has given rise to complex minds as well, albeit as just one part of the throwaway host vehicles by which our genes leave copies of themselves. Conscious mind, on this proposal, is a triumph of organisation: our egocentric virtual worlds are warm and gappy QM-coherent states of consciousness. Contra materialist metaphysics, sentience of any kind is ''not'' the daily re-enactment of an ontological miracle. Moreover the idea that ''what-it's-like''-ness is the fire in the equations is (at least) consistent with orthodox relativistic [[quantum field theory]] - because the theorists' key notions (e.g. that of a field, string, brane, etc) are defined purely mathematically. In other cases, they readily lend themselves to such a reconstruction. Using the word &quot;physical&quot; doesn't add anything of substance.
** [[David Pearce (philosopher)|David Pearce]], &quot;Why Does Anything Exist?&quot;, [https://www.hedweb.com/nihilism/nihilf08.htm &quot;Section Eight&quot;], ''BLTC Research'' (1998)

* I should begin by expressing my general attitude to present-day quantum theory, by which I mean standard non-relativistic quantum mechanics. The theory has, indeed, two powerful bodies of fact in its favour, and only one thing against it. First, in its favour are all the marvellous agreements that the theory has had with every experimental result to date. Second, and to me almost as important, it is a theory of astonishing and profound mathematical beauty. The one thing that can be said against it is that it makes absolutely no sense!
** [[Roger Penrose]], &quot;Gravity and State Vector Reduction&quot;, in: &quot;Quantum Concepts in Space and Time&quot; (1986), R. Penrose and C. J. Isham, ed.

* I also knew the formula that expresses the energy distribution in the normal spectrum. A theoretical interpretation therefore had to be found at any cost, no matter how high. It was clear to me that classical physics could offer no solution to this problem, and would have meant that all energy would eventually transfer from matter to radiation. ...'''This approach was opened to me by maintaining the two {{w|laws of thermodynamics}}. The two laws, it seems to me, must be upheld under all circumstances. For the rest, I was ready to sacrifice every one of my previous convictions about physical laws. ...[One] finds that the continuous loss of energy into radiation can be prevented by assuming that energy is forced at the outset to remain together in certain quanta. This was purely a formal assumption and I really did not give it much thought except that no matter what the cost, I must bring about a positive result.'''
** [[Max Planck]], Letter to {{w|Robert W. Wood}} (October 7, 1931) in Archive for the History of Quantum Physics, Microfilm 66, 5, as cited in [[Thomas S. Kuhn]], ''Black-Body Theory and the Quantum Discontinuity, 1894–1912'' (1978) pp. 132, 288. Translation of the entire letter, which is follow above is in Armin Hermann, ''Frühgeschiche der Quantentheorie (1899–1913)'' Mosbach/Baden: Physik Verlag (1969), transl. Claude W. Nash, p. 23 of the translation; and also in M. S. Longair,Theoretical Concepts in Physics(Cambridge and NewYork: Cambridge University Press, 1984), ch. 6–12, p. 222. All as quoted/cited by Clayton A. Gearhart, &quot;Planck, the Quantum, and the Historians&quot;, Physics in Perspective, 4 (2002) 170-215. 

* [[Max Planck|Planck]] ...devised his quanta theory, according to which the exchange of energy between the matter and the ether—or rather between ordinary matter and the small resonators whose vibrations furnish the light of incandescent matter—can take place only intermittently. A resonator can not gain energy or lose it in a continuous manner. It can not gain a fraction of a quantum; it must acquire a whole quantum or none at all.
** [[Henri Poincaré]], &quot;The Connection Between Ether and Matter,&quot; [https://books.google.com/books?id=WI9ZAAAAIAAJ Annual Report of the Board of Regents of the Smithsonian Institution] (1912) p.199

=== S ===
* Ask anyone today working on foundational questions in [[quantum theory]] and you are likely to hear that there is still no consensus on many of these questions—all the while, of course, everybody seems to be in perfect agreement on how to apply the quantum formalism when it comes to making experimental predictions.
** Maximilian Schlosshauer, Johannes Kofler, Anton Zeilinger, &quot;The interpretation of quantum mechanics: from disagreement to consensus?&quot;, Ann. Phys. (Berlin) 525, No. 4, A51–A54 (2013)

* For [[Dmitri Mendeleev|Mendeleev]] the [[w:Rare-earth element|rare earth]]s were a complete nightmare because he didn't know where to put them. He couldn't fit them in [[w:Periodic table|the table]]..! Five of them had been found by the time he was building the table, and so he... stuck them in somewhere where things went [[w:Valence (chemistry)#Common valences|3+]], and then went &quot;Uh?&quot; and... left it at that. ...[T]his was a real problem, because no one knew  where these building blocks went into the periodic table. ...[I]t wasn't ...until [[w:Henry Moseley|Moseley]] had established what {{w|atomic number}} was, that things began to fit together... and suddenly they realized that there couldn't be more than 14... [T]hen as the quantum mechanics rules came through it became clear... that... you'd found the hole. There was the gap... in {{w|Promethium}}, and so that became a target.
** {{w|Andrea Sella}}, &quot;Terra Rara: The strange story of some political elements&quot; (Aug 20, 2013) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGoZA-hvJHw&amp;t=4564s 1:16:04] a YouTube video from the {{w|Royal Institution}} channel. &lt;small&gt;Answer to the question: &quot;At what point did the search for the {{w|Lanthanide}}s change from being a... shooting in the dark to just filling in the gaps?&quot;&lt;/small&gt;

* If we really want to understand quantum mechanics, the goal should be more about letting go of our biases and embracing what the Universe tells us about itself. Instead, Carroll regressively campaigns for the opposite in teasing his upcoming new book. Unsurprisingly, most physicists are underwhelmed.
** [[w:Ethan Siegel|Ethan Siegel]], &quot;Quantum Physics Is Fine, Human Bias About Reality Is The Real Problem&quot;, ''Forbes'' (Sep 11, 2019)

* Quantum mechanics is science’s equivalent of political polarization.&lt;p&gt;Voters either take sides and argue with each other endlessly, or stay home and accept politics as it is. Physicists either just accept quantum mechanics and do their calculations, or take sides in the never-ending debate over what quantum mechanics is actually saying about reality.
** Tom Siegfried, &quot;[https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/context/why-quantum-mechanics-might-need-overhaul Why quantum mechanics might need an overhaul Nobel laureate Steven Weinberg says current debates suggest need for new approach to comprehend reality]&quot; (November 4, 2016)

=== T ===
* The rules of quantum mechanics work, but only if ''all'' natural phenomena in the world of the small are subjected to the ''same'' rules. This includes viruses, bacteria, even people. However, the bigger and heavier an object is, the harder it becomes to observed the quantum mechanical deviations from the ordinary, 'classical' laws of movement.
** [[Gerardus 't Hooft]], {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=e-7eAp-bVbEC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q=holism&amp;f=false|isbn = 9780521578837|title = In Search of the Ultimate Building Blocks|year = 1997|publisher = Cambridge University Press|page=12}}

=== W ===
* The inner mysteries of quantum mechanics require a willingness to extend one’s mental processes into a strange world of phantom possibilities, endlessly branching into more and more abstruse chains of coupled logical networks, endlessly extending themselves forward and even backwards in time.
** [[John Clive Ward|J. C. Ward]], ''Memoirs of a Theoretical Physicist'' (Optics Journal, Rochester, 2004).

* &lt;math&gt; (\left|x\right\rang \left|y\right\rang- \left|y\right\rang \left|x\right\rang) &lt;/math&gt;... was my first lesson in quantum mechanics, and in a very real sense my last, since the rest is mere technique, which can be learnt from books.
** J. C. Ward, ''Memoirs of a Theoretical Physicist'' (Optics Journal, Rochester, 2004).

* Respectable scientists like [[w:Louis de Broglie|de Broglie]] himself accept [[w:Schrödinger equation|wave mechanics]] because it confers [[wiktionary:coherence#Noun|coherence]] and unity upon the experimental findings of contemporary science, and in spite of the astonishing changes it implies in connection with ideas of causality, time, and space, but it is because of these changes that it wins favor with the public. The great popular success of [[Einstein]] was the same thing. The public drinks in and swallows eagerly everything that tends to dispossess the intelligence in favor of some technique; it can hardly wait to abdicate from intelligence and reason and from everything that makes man responsible for his destiny.
** [[Simone Weil]], “Wave Mechanics,” ''On Science, Necessity, and the Love of God'', R. Rees, trans. (1968), p. 75

* This theoretical failure to find a plausible alternative to quantum mechanics, even more than the precise experimental verification of linearity, suggests to me that quantum mechanics is the way it is because any small change in quantum mechanics would lead to logical absurdities. If this is true, quantum mechanics may be a permanent part of physics. Indeed, quantum mechanics may survive not merely as an approximation to a deeper truth, in the way that Newton's theory of gravitation survives as an approximation to Einstein's general theory of relativity, but as a precisely valid feature of the final theory.
** [[Steven Weinberg]], ''Dreams of the Final Theory'' (1993), Ch. 4. Quantum Mechanics and Its Discontents

* It is truly surprising how little difference all this makes. Most physicists use quantum mechanics every day in their working lives without needing to worry about the fundamental problem of its interpretation. Being sensible people with very little time to follow up all the ideas and data in their own specialties and not having to worry about this fundamental problem, they do not worry about it. A year or so ago, while Philip Candelas (of the physics department at Texas) and I were waiting for an elevator, our conversation turned to a young theorist who had been quite promising as a graduate student and who had then dropped out of sight. I asked Phil what had interfered with the ex-student’s research. Phil shook his head sadly and said, “He tried to understand quantum mechanics.”&lt;br&gt;So irrelevant is the philosophy of quantum mechanics to its use, that one begins to suspect that all the deep questions about the meaning of measurement are really empty, forced on us by our language, a language that evolved in a world governed very nearly by classical physics. But I admit to some discomfort in working all my life in a theoretical framework that no one fully understands. And we really do need to understand quantum mechanics better in quantum cosmology, the application of quantum mechanics to the whole universe, where no outside observer is even imaginable. The universe is much too large now for quantum mechanics to make much difference, but according to the big-bang theory there was a time in the past when the particles were so close together that quantum effects must have been important. No one today knows even the rules for applying quantum mechanics in this context.
** [[Steven Weinberg]], ''Dreams of the Final Theory'' (1993), Chap. 4. Quantum Mechanics and Its Discontents

* My own conclusion is that today there is no interpretation of quantum mechanics that does not have serious flaws. This view is not universally shared. Indeed, many physicists are satisfied with their own interpretation of quantum mechanics. But different physicists are satisfied with different interpretations. In my view, we ought to take seriously the possibility of finding some more satisfactory other theory, to which quantum mechanics is only a good approximation.
** [[Steven Weinberg]], ''Lectures on Quantum Mechanics'' (2nd ed., 2015), Ch. 3 : General Principles of Quantum Mechanics

* Quantum theory does not trouble me at all. It is just the way the world works. What eats me, gets me, drives me, pushes me, is to understand how it got that way. What is the deeper foundation underneath it? Where does it come from? So that we won’t see it as something that is unwelcome by friends that we admire—[[John Stewart Bell|John Bell]] and many others—it will be something that will make you say, ‘It couldn’t have been otherwise.’ We haven’t gotten to that stage yet, and until we do, we have not met the challenge that is right there. I continue to say that the quantum is the crack in the armor that covers the secret of existence. To me it’s a marvelous stimulus, hope, and driving force. And yet I am afraid that just the word—‘hope’—is what does not eat, or possess, or drive so many of our colleagues in the field. They’re content to take the theory for granted, rather than to find out where it comes from. But you would hardly feel the drive to find out where from if you don’t feel that the theory is utterly right. I have been brought up from ‘childhood’ to feel that it is utterly right. Here I was, reading that book of [[Hermann Weyl|Weyl]]’s at the age of eighteen and just crazy about it.
** [[John Wheeler]], quoted in [[Jeremy Bernstein]], ''Quantum Profiles'' (1991), John Wheeler: Retarded Learner

* I had the feeling that the stuff was beautiful. I learned it from Weyl, and Weyl had the art of putting things in a lovely perspective. More so than anybody else I have ever read. That book was just a treat. So the feeling of ‘rotten’ would be the absolutely last feeling I would ever have about it. ‘Beautiful’ is what I would call it. To me it’s the magic way to do it. I think that having started early and having used it in lots of different contexts, all the way from my doctor’s thesis on the dispersion and absorption of light in a helium atom, to nuclear physics, to the decay of elementary particles, I feel absolutely at home with it. But John Bell’s question I certainly sympathize with. An ‘irreversible act of amplification’? As [[Eugene Wigner]] always says, ‘What means it &quot;irreversible&quot;?’ [...] I think it is just wonderful to have puzzles like that staring us in the face. You’d be amused. Every day I try to write down something in my notebook, although I don’t always succeed, pushing things ahead just a little bit. I only got in two or three sentences this morning. ‘''Nada''. The photon doesn’t exist in the atom. It doesn’t exist in the photodetector after the act of emission, and you have no right to talk of what it’s doing in between. Nada—it’s nothing.’ Then there’s the irreversible act of amplification where you’ve got a whole lot of things. It’s ''nada'' to ''nada''.
** [[John Wheeler]], quoted in [[Jeremy Bernstein]], ''Quantum Profiles'' (1991), John Wheeler: Retarded Learner

* For a zeroth slogan about quantum mechanics, I’ve chosen&lt;p&gt;''What’s hard to understand is [[classical mechanics]], not quantum mechanics.''
** [[w:Peter Woit|Peter Woit]], &quot;[http://www.math.columbia.edu/~woit/wordpress/?p=7076 What’s Hard to Understand is Classical Mechanics, Not Quantum Mechanics]&quot; (August 11, 2014)

=== Z ===
* The world is not as real as we think.… My personal opinion is that the world is even weirder than what quantum physics tells us.
** [[Anton Zeilinger]], quoted in Dennis Overbye, &quot;Quantum Trickery: Testing Einstein's Strangest Theory&quot;, ''The New York Times'' (Dec. 27, 2005)

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Oppenheimer-j_r.jpg|thumb|[[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] called quantum physics &quot;[[Jewish]] [[science]]&quot;, said it right to [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s face. Our one [[hope]] is that Hitler is so, so [[blinded]] by [[hate]] that he's denied [[Werner Heisenberg|Heisenberg]] proper resources, because it'll take vast resources. Our [[nation]]'s best scientists working together. Right now they're scattered.]]
:'''J. Robert Oppenheimer''': In a straight [[race]], the [[Germans]] [[win]]. We've got one [[hope]]. 
:'''Leslie Groves''': Which is?
:'''J. Robert Oppenheimer''': [[Antisemitism]]. 
:'''Leslie Groves''': What?
:'''J. Robert Oppenheimer''': [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] called quantum physics &quot;[[Jewish]] [[science]]&quot;, said it right to [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s face. Our one hope is that Hitler is so, so [[blinded]] by [[hate]] that he's denied [[Werner Heisenberg|Heisenberg]] proper resources, because it'll take vast resources. Our [[nation]]'s best scientists working together. Right now they're scattered.
:* [[Robert Oppenheimer|J. Robert Oppenheimer]] as interpreted by [[w:Cillian Murphy|Cillian Murphy]] and [[w:Leslie Groves|Leslie Groves]] as interpreted by [[w:Matt Damon|Matt Damon]] in ''[[Oppenheimer (film)|Oppenheimer]]'', (2023); based on the 2005 biography ''[[w:American Prometheus|American Prometheus]]'' by [[w:Kai Bird|Kai Bird]] and [[w:Martin J. Sherwin|Martin J. Sherwin]]; written and directed by [[Christopher Nolan]].

== See also ==
* [[Consistent histories]]
* [[Copenhagen interpretation]]
* [[De Broglie–Bohm theory]]
* [[Many-worlds interpretation]]
* [[Quantum Bayesianism]]
* [[Von Neumann–Wigner interpretation]]
* [[EPR paradox]]
* [[Photon]]
* [[Quantum_electrodynamics]]
* [[Quantum gravity]]
* [[Quantum entanglement]]
* [[Lectures on Quantum Mechanics (Weinberg)]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* MIT OpenCourseWare: [http://ocw.mit.edu/OcwWeb/Physics/index.htm Physics]. See [http://ocw.mit.edu/OcwWeb/Physics/8-04Spring-2006/CourseHome/index.htm 8.04]

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[[File:ShareADreamComeTrue5.JPG|thumb|Genie, you're [[free]]!]] 
'''''[[w:Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] American [[w:Disney|Disney]] animated film which relates a version of the story of Aladdin and the magic lamp from The Book of [[One Thousand and One Nights]].
:''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]], [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].''
:''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes &quot;[[w:A Whole New World|A Whole New World]]&quot;. Written by [[Tim Rice]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Bryson|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Regina Belle|Regina Belle]].
{{center|'''(Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all would come true.)''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

== Aladdin ==
* ''[chased by Razoul and his guards]'' All this for a loaf of bread?
* ''[followed by Jasmine when she's going home with Aladdin and Abu]'' Almost there.
* Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[gasps and sees a cliff]'' Start panicking!
* ''[to Genie, regretfully]'' Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I.....I can't wish you free.
* ''[looks out at the window to see the Sultan's Agrabah palace]'' Someday, Abu, things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all.

== Princess Jasmine ==
* ''[to Aladdin as Prince Ali]'' Just go, I mean, jump off the balcony!
* ''[to Aladdin]'' I'm a fast learner.
* ''[to Abu, when feigning insanity]'' Oh, my Sultan! How may I serve you?

== Iago ==
* ''[on Jafar who's laughing his head off hysterically]'' Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's goin' nuts! Jafar! ''[pounds on Jafar's turban]'' Hello?! '''JAFAR!!!!''' Get a grip! ''[Jafar grabs him toughly around the throat which causes his head's blood circulation.]'' Good grip.
* ''[going as a flamingo, turns around and finds a real flamingo smiling in his face]'' Ya got a problem.... ''[hits the flamingo with his right stilt, and the flamingo falls into the water]'' Pinky?! Jerk. ''[laughs maniacally, removes his flamingo disguise, sneaks into the palace, and gets the lamp]'' Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you! ''[mimics Jafar]'' Excellent work, Iago! ''[in his normal voice]'' Aw, go on! ''[as Jafar]'' No, really. I mean, dead seriously. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are an 11. ''[in his normal voice]'' Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. [flies away with the lamp] I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing.
* ''[to the Sultan while shoves many crackers into his mouth as his serious payback]'' Puppet ruler want a cracker?

== The Genie ==
* ''[after coming out of his lamp]'' Oy! ''[feels a pain in his neck]'' 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
* ''[as one of the cheerleaders]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man, whether he can't do it.... ''[screams bloody murder]'' '''GREAT!!!!'''
* ''[after transforming Aladdin into a prince]'' He's got the outfit. He's got the elephant. But we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban, kid! We're gonna make you a star!
* Allow me, ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders ought to chill him out! ''[kicks the lamp to the desert]''
* ''[to the audience when he pushes up a &quot;The End&quot; scene to a blank white one]'' Made you look.
* ''[post credits scene]'' You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world! Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!

== Jafar ==
* ''[eyes the giant tiger head rising from the sand]'' At last, after all my years of searching, the Cave of Wonders.
* ''[after Aladdin has returned with Abu and Carpet]'' '''YOU!!''' How many times do I have to kill you, boy?!
* I think that it's time to say goodbye to Prince Abubu.

== The Peddler ==
* ''[singing]'' Oh I come from a land from a faraway place / Where the caravan camels roam / Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense (soundtrack version: Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face) / It's barbaric, but hey... it's home! / When the wind's from the east / And the sun's from the west / And the sand in the glass is right / Come on down, stop on by / Hop a carpet and fly / To another Arabian night! / Arabian nights / Like Arabian days / More often than not / Are hotter than hot / In a lot of good ways / Arabian nights / 'Neath Arabian moons / A fool off his guard / Could fall-and-fall hard / Out there on the dunes.
* ''[first lines]'' Ah, salaam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please, come closer... Too close, a little too close. There. Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment, and the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan, on sale today, come on down! Look at this! Yes! Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes Julienne fries. Will not break, will not... it broke. Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. Ah, still good. Wait, don't go! I can see that you're only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider... this. Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man who liked this lamp was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Jafar''': ''[first words]'' You... are late.
:'''Gazeem''': ''[first words]'' A thousand apologies, O Patient One.
:'''Jafar''': You have it, then?
:'''Gazeem''': I had to slit a few throats, but I got it. ''[pulls out half of the medallion. Jafar reaches out for it, but he yanks it back]'' Ah Ah Ahh! The treasure!
:''[Iago screeches as he flies by and grabs the medallion]''
:'''Gazeem''': Ouch!
:'''Jafar''': Trust me, my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you.
:'''Iago''': What's coming to you! ''[Squawks]''
:''[Jafar pulls out the second half of the medallion. He connects them, and the insect medallion begins to glow. Finally, it flies out of Jafar's hand, scaring the horses, and is off towards the dunes]''
:'''Jafar''': Quickly! Follow the trail! ''[On horseback, the trio chase the medallion across the moonlit desert]'' Faster!
:''[The creature splits in two, each half lodging into a sand dune. A towering Tiger's Head rises from the dune, The pieces of the scarab from it's glowing eyes. The two horses rear on their hind legs, throwing their riders off. Jafar grins as the tiger head opens it cavernous mouth]''
:'''Jafar''': At last, after all my years of searching... The Cave of Wonders!
:'''Iago''': ''[squawks]'' Cave of Wonders!
:'''Gazeem''': By Allah!
:'''Jafar''': Now... Remember! Bring me the lamp, the rest of the treasure is yours, But the lamp, Is mine!
:''[Gazeem starts to approach the tiger's mouth, which forms the entrance to the cave. He chuckles as he goes]''
:'''Iago''': ''[squawks]'' The lamp! ''[squawks]'' The lamp! ''[Now that Iago and Jafar are alone, Iago opens up in normal English]'' Geez, where'd ya dig this bozo up?
:'''Jafar''': ''[points at the tiger head]'' Shh!
:''[Gazeem reaches the cave, but is blown away by the roar of the cave's speaking]''
:'''Cave of Wonders''': Who disturbs my slumber?
:'''Gazeem''': ''[last words]'' It is I, Gazeem, a humble thief.
:'''Cave of Wonders''': Know this. Only one may enter here. (In a deleted scene, he saids ''Whom I deem wise enough.'') One whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.
:'''Jafar''': What are you waiting for? Go on!
:''[Gazeem hesitates, then moves one foot inside the cave. With great apprehension, he plants his foot down. Nothing happens. Relieved, he begins his trek again. Then another roar comes. He turns back, but the lion's mouth slams shut and the dune collapses back to normal. All that are left are Jafar, Iago, and the two separated halves of the medallion]''
:'''Jafar''': '''NO!!'''
:'''Cave of Wonders''': Seek thee out, the diamond in the rough.
:''[Iago unburied himself from the sand, coughing as he does so]''
:'''Iago''': I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.
:'''Jafar''': Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy.
:'''Iago''': Oh, there's a big surprise! That's an incredib... I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise! What are we gonna do? We got a big problem here, a big, Hmph!
:''[Jafar grabs Iago's beak to shut him up]''
:'''Jafar''': Yes. Only one may enter, I must find this one, this... diamond in the rough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aladdin and Abu high-five each other]''
:'''Aladdin''': And now, esteemed effendi, we feast! All right!
:''[Aladdin breaks the bread in two and gives half to Abu, who begins to eat. But Aladdin looks over and sees two young children rummaging through the garbage for food. The girl sees him, then drops her find and tries to hide. Aladdin looks at them, then the bread, then at Abu]''
:'''Abu''': Uh-oh!
:''[Abu takes a big bite of his food, but Aladdin gets up and walks over to the children. The girl pulls her brother back]''
:'''Aladdin''': Here, go on... take it.
:''[The children giggle with delight. Abu tries to swallow his bite, then looks guilty. He walks over to the children and offers his bread to them. In delight, they pet him on the head]''
:'''Abu''': Ah, don't. Huh?
:''[Abu sees Aladdin walking into the daylight, where there is a parade going on. Aladdin peers over the shoulders of people. He sees Prince Achmed riding on a horse]''
:'''Villager #1''': On his way to the palace, I suppose.
:'''Villager #2''': Another suitor for the princess.
:''[Aladdin is startled as the two children come running out from the alley. The boy runs out in front of Achmed's horse, startling it]''
:'''Prince Achmed''': ''[first words]'' Out of my way, you filthy brat!
:''[Achmed brings up his whip to attack the children, but Aladdin jumps in front of them and catches the whip]''
:'''Aladdin''': Hey, if I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners.
:'''Prince Achmed''': Oh, I teach you some manners!
:''[Achmed kicks Aladdin into a mud puddle. The crowd laugh at him]''
:'''Aladdin''': Look at that, Abu. It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends!
:''[Achmed stops and turns back to Aladdin]''
:'''Prince Achmed''': You are a worthless street rat.  You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you.
:''[Aladdin rushes Achmed, but the doors to the castle slam shut in his face]''
:'''Aladdin''': I'm not worthless. And I don't have fleas. Come on, Abu. Let's go home. ''[singing]'' Riffraff, street rat. I don't buy that. If only they'd look closer Would they see a poor boy? No siree. They'd find out, there's so much more to me. ''[speaking]'' Someday, Abu. Things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all.
:''[The next morning, inside Sultan's chamber. The door bursts open, and Prince Achmed storms in, missing the rear end of tearing underwear]''
:'''Prince Achmed''': I've never been so insulted!
:'''Sultan''': ''[to Achmed]'' Oh, Achmed! You're not leaving so soon, are you?
:'''Prince Achmed''': ''[last words]'' Good luck marrying her off!
:'''Sultan''': Oh, Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine!
:''[The Sultan goes off into the garden looks at the daughter. He finds her. but is interrupted by Rajah a Tiger, who blocks him off. Rajah has a piece of Achmed's undershorts in his mouth. The Sultan grabs the cloth and yanks it out of Rajah's mouth.]''
:'''Sultan''': Confound it, Rajah! So, this is why Prince Achmed stormed out!
:'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, father. Rajah was just playing with him, weren't you Rajah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The next morning, in the street Aladdin and Abu are up to their capers again. They are on top of the awning of a fruit stand]''
:'''Aladdin''': Okay, Abu, go!
:''[Abu dips over the edge and looks at the seller]''
:'''Seller''': ''[to passing crowd]'' Try this, your taste buds will dance and sing. ''[Abu grabs a melon and hangs there, distracting his attention]'' Hey, get your paws off that.
:'''Abu''': Blah blah blah!
:'''Seller''': Why, you! Get away from here, you filthy ape!
:''[Abu grabs the melon away from Abu. But in the foreground, Aladdin dips down and snatches another melon from the stand]''
:'''Abu''': Bye-bye!
:''[He zings back up. The seller takes the melon to the front, where he places it on top of a stack. He looks confused, like he has just done this]''
:'''Aladdin''': Nice going Abu, breakfast is served.
:''[Aladdin and Abu on the roof break open the melon and eat. We see Jasmine walking through the street]''
:'''1st Seller''': Pretty lady buy a pot, no finer pot in brass or silver.
:'''2nd Seller''': Sugar dates, sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios!
:'''3rd Seller''': Would the lady like a necklace, a pretty necklace for a pretty lady.
:''[She is charmed by the action, but is startled by a fish thrust into her face]''
:'''4th Seller''': Fresh fish! We catch him you buy him!
:'''Jasmine''': I don't think so. 
:''[Jasmine backs away, but bumps into a fire eater, who is startled into swallowing his fire]''
:'''Jasmine''': Excuse me.
:''[Man gulps, then belches fire from his mouth. Jasmine is disgusted. He is pleased and taps his stomach. Aladdin sees her, and a strange look comes over his face]''
:'''Jasmine''': I'm really very sorry.
:'''Aladdin''': ''[he's obviously deeply in love with her]'' Woah!
:''[Jasmine pulls the hood of her cloak over her head. Abu sees him and jumps up on his shoulder, waving his hand in front of Aladdin's face]''
:'''Abu''': Uh-oh, hello? Hello?
:''[Princess Jasmine stops at Farouk's fruit stand and sees a young boy reaching for fruit; she picks up an apple and hands it to him]''
:'''Princess Jasmine''': You must be hungry. Here you go. ''[the boy runs off]''
:'''Farouk''': ''[first words]'' You'd better be able to pay for that.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[turns around]'' Pay?
:'''Farouk''': No one steals from my cart.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm sorry, sir. I don't have any money.
:'''Farouk''': Thief!
:'''Princess Jasmine''': Please. If you let me go to the palace, I can get some from the sultan.
:'''Farouk''': Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?!
:''[he grabs her hand and pins it down on the table, then raises his sword]''
:'''Princess Jasmine''': No! No, please!
:''[Aladdin stops Farouk]''
:'''Aladdin''': Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. ''[to Princess Jasmine]'' I've been looking for you.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[quietly]'' What are you doing?
:'''Aladdin''': ''[whispers back]'' Just play along.
:'''Farouk''': You know this girl?
:'''Aladdin''': Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy.
:'''Farouk''': She said she knew the sultan.
:'''Aladdin''': She thinks the monkey is the sultan.
:''[Princess Jasmine, playing along, kneels and bows to Abu]''
:'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, wise Sultan, how may I serve you?
:'''Abu''': Well,... ''[babbles royally]''
:'''Aladdin''': Tragic, isn't it? ''[leans forward, picking up another apple from the cart and hands it to Farouk as repayment]'' But no harm done. ''[walks over to Princess Jasmine]'' Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[to a camel standing nearby]'' Oh, hello, doctor. How are you?
:'''Aladdin''': No, no, no, not that one. ''[to Abu, whose pockets are bulging]'' Come on, Sultan.
:''[Abu bows to the crowd until nearly everything he picked up falls out]''
:'''Farouk''': ''[last words]'' Huh? What is it? ''[Abu picks up what he can carry, and the trio run off]'' Come back here, you little thieves!
:''[Inside Jafar's lair, Iago is running on a gear in a bizarre contraption. At the top of the contraption is a storm brewing]''
:'''Iago''': ''[huffing and puffing]'' With all due respect, your rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a real storm?
:'''Jafar''': Save your breath, Iago. Faster!
:''[Jafar places the Sultan's ring in the contraption]''
:'''Iago''': Yes, O Mighty Evil One.
:''[Iago runs faster. A lightning bolt streaks through the ring, passing into an hourglass below. The sands begin to swirl]''
:'''Jafar''': Ah, sands of time - Reveal to me the one who could enter the cave.
:''[The sand in top forms the Cave of Wonders, it falls through into a storm, but it shows Aladdin climbing up a ladder, followed by Jasmine who is covered in her cloak]''
:'''Jafar''': Yes, yes! There he is. My diamond in the rough!
:'''Iago''': That's him, that's the clown we've been waiting for?
:''[Iago loses his footing and is sucked into the gears]''
:'''Jafar''': Let's have the guards extend him an invitation to the palace. Shall we?
:''[Iago goes flying past and slams into the wall upside down]''
:'''Iago''': Swell.
:''[Jafar laughs hideously, and the camera zooms in on the sandstorm with Aladdin in it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a midnight desert, we see Aladdin riding the horse with Jafar and Abu]''
:'''Cave''': Who disturbs my slumber?
:'''Aladdin''': Uh, it is I, Aladdin.
:'''Cave''': Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp. (In a deleted scene, he saids ''Watch your step.'')
:''[The cave opens up with a roar, and a staircase appears in front of Aladdin]''
:'''Jafar''': Remember, boy, first fetch me the lamp. And then you shall have your reward. (In a deleted scene, he saids ''Remember, boy, touch nothing but the lamp.'')
:'''Aladdin''': Come on, Abu. ''[Abu nods]''
:''[Aladdin walks the staircase, then reaches the bottom and enters a golden chamber filled with treasure]''
:'''Aladdin''': Will you look at that!
:'''Abu''': Uh-oh!
:'''Aladdin''': Just a handful of this stuff would make me richer than the Sultan.
:''[Abu peeks out, sees the treasure, then bolts for it]''
:'''Aladdin''': Abu!
:''[Abu stops in mid run, hovering over a rug on the floor]''
:'''Aladdin''': Don't touch anything! We gotta find that lamp.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aladdin finds the lamp in the Cave of Wonders]''
:'''Aladdin''': This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to..?
:''[he looks down at Abu about to grab a red ruby from a monkey idol]''
:'''Aladdin''': Abu! NO!
:''[Abu grabs the ruby]''
:'''Cave of Wonders''': INFIDELS!
:'''Abu''': Uh-oh!
:'''Cave of Wonders''': You have touched the forbidden treasure!
:''[Abu tries to put the ruby back in the idol's palm, but the idol starts to melt away]''
:'''Cave of Wonders''': Now you will never again see the light of DAY!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': ''[laughs after the cave closes with Aladdin trapped inside]'' It's mine. ''[removes his disguise]'' It's all mine! I...
:''[he searches his robe pockets for the lamp, but it is empty]''
:'''Jafar''': Where is it? No! ''[falls to his knees]'' NO!!! (In a deleted scene, he saids ''No. It can't be.'')
:''[Meanwhile, in Jasmine's bedroom. She is sitting on her bed, next to Rajah who looks sad. The Sultan walks in]''
:'''Sultan''': Jasmine? Oh, dearest. What's wrong?
:'''Jasmine''': Jafar has done something terrible. ''[cries]''
:'''Sultan''': There, there, there, my child... We'll set it right. Now, tell me everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': ''[music for &quot;Friend Like Me&quot; begins]'' Master, I don't think you quite realize what you've got here! So why don't you just ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities.
:''[Genie lights up like a fluorescent light]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves / Scheherazadie had a thousand tales / But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeve / You got a brand of magic never fails!
:''[Genie produces 40 thieves who surround Aladdin with swords. Genie appears in his vest, then sticks his arms out and boxes the thieves into submission]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' You got some power in your corner now / Some heavy ammunition in your camp / You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how / See all you gotta do is rub that lamp / And I'll say.
:''[Boxing ring appears, Aladdin in the corner, being massaged by Genie. Then Genie turns into a pile of fireworks and explodes.  Then Genie appears inside lamp and grabs Aladdin's hand and rubs lamp with it]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Mister Aladdin sir / What will your pleasure be? / Let me take your order, jot it down / You ain't never had a friend like me / No, no, no!
:''[Genie produces a table and chairs, then writes down things on a note pad, like a waiter]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Life is your restaurant / And I'm your maitre'd! / Come on whisper what it is you want / You ain't never had a friend like me.
:''[Genie appears as a plate of chicken, then returns to normal, but enlarges his ear to listen to Aladdin. Finally, he explodes into four duplicate Genies]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service / You're the boss, the king, the shah! / Say what you wish, it's yours! True dish / How about a little more Baklava?
:''[The Genies give him a shave, haircut and manicure, then Aladdin appears in a comfy chair (eh?) surrounded by the treasure and being fanned by women. The Genie appears and fills the screen with baklava]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Try some of column 'A' / Try all of column 'B' / I'm in the mood to help you dude / You ain't never had a friend like me.
:''[Aladdin rises up on a column of food with a giant A on top, then jumps to another column with a B on top. He falls off and is caught by a cushion held by Genie. He opens his mouth, and his tongue turns into a staircase. A miniature Genie dressed like a magician comes out. The mini Genie does a little dance with the Genie's two giant hands. At the end, they surround the mini Genie and squish him into nothing]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Can your friends do this? / Do your friends do that? / Do your friends pull this out their little hat / Can your friends go poof! / Well looky here / Can your friends go Abracadabra, let 'er rip / And then make the sucker disappear?
:''[The Genie pulls off his head, duplicates it, then juggles them. He tosses them to Aladdin, who juggles with one hand and spins one of the heads on his fingertip like a basketball. He tosses the heads back onto the Genie, who proceeds to try and pull himself out of a hat at his base. He spirals around and around until he turns into a white rabbit. The rabbit transforms into a purple dragon (very reminiscent of Figment from [[w:Epcot|EPCOT]] Center). The dragon breathes fire, which turns into three harem girls, who dance around Aladdin. Just as he begins to enjoy them, they disappear]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' So don't you sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed / I'm here to answer all your midday prayers / You got me bona fide, certified / You got a genie for a charg? d'affairs! / I got a powerful urge to help you out / So what you wish I really want to know / You got a wish that's three miles long, no doubt / So all you gotta do is rub like so, and oh!
:''[Genie imitates what he is calling Aladdin, then turns into a certificate which rolls up and surrounds Aladdin. Genie pulls a list (written in Arabic) out of Aladdin's ear, which he uses to rub his behind like drying off after a shower]''
:'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three / I'm on the job, you big nabob / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never... had a... friend... like... me! / You ain't never had a friend like me!
:''[The dancing harem girls reappear, and Aladdin leans in to kiss one. She turns into the Genie, who zaps four dancing elephants into existence. To the other direction, he zaps in four dancing camels, and a grand finale dancing number ensues. Abu grabs as much gold as he can, but the Genie wraps everything up in a cyclone and zaps it away until they're all back in the cave. Genie has a neon &quot;Applause&quot; sign on his back. Abu turns his hat over and sees that is is empty]''
:'''Genie''': So what'll it be, master?
:'''Aladdin''': You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want?
:'''Genie''': Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos.
:'''Aladdin''': Like?
:'''Genie''': Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody. ''[slices his head off with his finger]'' So don't ask. Rule number two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else. ''[Genie's head turns into a big pair of lips which kiss Aladdin]'' You little punim, there. ''[lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie ala [[Peter Lorre]]]'' Rule number three: I can’t bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. ''[grabs Aladdin and shakes him]'' I DON'T LIKE DOING IT! ''[poofs back to normal]'' Other than that, you got it!
:'''Aladdin''': Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? ''[to Abu]'' Some all powerful genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us out of this cave. (In a deleted scene, Genie saids ''Please. Get with the program.'') Looks like we're gonna have to find a way out of here.
:'''Genie''': ''[stomps his foot in front of them]'' Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! ''NOT'' right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO '''''SIT DOWN'''''!!
:''[Aladdin and Abu sit on the carpet; Genie joins them]''
:'''Genie''': In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet! WEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE... ''[they pop out of the cave and soar into the distance]'' ''...OUTTA HERE!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': ''[obviously hurt]'' Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was just beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, &quot;Master&quot;. ''[vanishes into his lamp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': That was... ''[sees Aladdin's reflection in Jasmine's crown]'' You!
:''[He zaps Aladdin just as he is about to reach his respective lamp. Genie watches in shock]''
:'''Jafar''': How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
:''[Jasmine rushes him, and he angrily throws her to the ground. Aladdin bravely rushes toward him and heroically grabs his staff]''
:'''Aladdin''': Get the lamp!
:'''Jafar''': No!
:''[Jasmine runs to do so, but Jafar shakes off Aladdin, but evilly zaps her into an hourglass]''
:'''Jafar''': Ah, ah, ah, princess. Your time is up!
:'''Aladdin''': Jasmine!
:''[Sand begins to flow from the top onto her, and she immediately realizes what will happen]''
:'''Iago''': Oh, nice shot, Jaf–
:''[Abu angrily knocks Iago out with the fruit bowl that fell earlier and rushes for the lamp]''
:'''Jafar''': Don't toy with me!
:''[Abu is almost to the lamp, but the blast from Jafar's staff turns him into a toy monkey, full of cymbals and a wind-up key]''
:'''Aladdin''': Abu!
:''[Carpet rushes in and grabs the lamp as he flies side-by-side, but Jafar zaps him as well]''
:'''Jafar''': Things are unraveling fast now, boy!
:''[Carpet unravels in midair, ending up as a pile of tangled threads and tassels. The lamp bounces away and lands in front of Aladdin]''
:'''Jafar''': Get the point?
:''[Aladdin runs for the lamp, but his path is blocked by a ring of large swords sticking in the floor. Aladdin reaches for his lamp, but the opening is too narrow for him to get far enough, and Jafar evilly grabs it]''
:'''Jafar''': I'm just getting warmed up!
:''[Jafar evilly breathes fire around Aladdin, setting the ring on fire. The street rat, however, yet stands his ground]''
:'''Aladdin''': Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you Cowardly Snake?!
:''[Jafar evilly emerges through the fire, suddenly getting an idea from Aladdin's statements]''
:'''Jafar''': A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how s-s-s-s-snake-like I can be!
:''[He grins broadly, and we see a snake's tongue come out from behind his teeth. Then his voice turns reptilian as he transforms into a giant cobra, and the ring of fire around Aladdin becomes part of the snake encircling Aladdin. From inside the hourglass, Jasmine watches Jafar's transformation in shock. Meanwhile, Snake Jafar snaps at Aladdin twice, and on the third try, Aladdin swings the sword and hits Jafar. The giant snake yells in pain. Cut to four Genies as cheerleaders wearing &quot;A&quot; sweaters]''
:'''Genie''': ''[in unison]'' Rickem, rockem, rackem, rake--stick that sword into that snake!
:'''Jafar''': ''[to Genie angrily]'' You stay out of this-s-s-s!
:''[The Genies merge back into one and he waves a pendant, not wishing to root for his evil current master]''
:'''Genie''': ''[dryly]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man--if he can't do it, '''''GREAT!!'''''
:''[Meanwhile, Aladdin uses the distraction from his genie to make a break for the hourglass where Jasmine is trapped. However, Jafar sees this and blocks the path. Aladdin is thrown off, and loses his sword. He hears a shout from Jasmine]''
:'''Jasmine''': Aladdin!
:''[Aladdin turns to see Jasmine already knee-deep in sand. He bravely jumps on a large gem and heroically slides across the floor, bravely grabbing his sword along the road. He turns a corner, but the pursuing snake cannot, and the front half of Jafar smashes through a wall and hangs outside the palace. Aladdin bravely jumps up on the snake's back and heroically stabs him hard. Jafar shrieks in agony. Cut to Aladdin, who is once again trying to free Jasmine. At this point, she is now neck-deep in sand, and sinking fast]''
:'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, hang on!
:''[He is about to hit the glass with a piece of wood he caught earlier until Jafar grabs him]''
:'''Jafar''': ''[laughs hideously]'' You little fool! You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth?
:'''Iago''': ''[with Genie coming up behind him]'' Squeeze him, Jafar! Squeeze him like a--awk!
:''[Genie elbows him out of the road, all the while trying to look innocent]''
:'''Jafar''': Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing!
:''[Aladdin suddenly glances down at Genie, who shrugs his shoulders, not knowing what to do either]''
:'''Aladdin''': The Genie? ''[has an idea]'' The Genie! The Genie has more power than you'll ever have!
:'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Aladdin''': He gave you your power! He can take it away!
:'''Genie''': ''[concerned]'' Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?
:'''Aladdin''': Face it, Jafar, you're yet just...second-best!
:''[Jafar thinks for a moment, and realizes Aladdin's right. Genie's &quot;phenomenal cosmic powers&quot; far surpass his, meaning that he yet can't call himself the most powerful being as he thought]''
:'''Jafar''': You're right, his power does exceed my own. But not for long!
:''[Jafar circles around the Genie, aiming to rectify the power discrepancy between him]''
:'''Genie''': ''[hesitantly]'' The boy's crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. ''[turns his hand into a cobra puppet and beats himself with it]'' One too many hits with the snake.
:'''Jafar''': ''[imperatively]'' Slave, I make my third wish!! I wish to be an all-powerful Genie!
:''[Aladdin looks down at Genie from Jafar's coils, and Jasmine, who is now almost buried in sand, looks toward her captor as well. Then Genie sighs in defeat, knowing he has no choice but to comply with Jafar's request]''
:'''Genie''': ''[reluctantly]'' Alright, your wish is my command. Way to go, Al.
:''[Genie zaps Jafar with the last Genie-brand lightning bolt. Jafar's snake form dissipates, freeing Aladdin and he begins his transformation into a Genie. At this point, all that remains of Jasmine before she disappears under the sand is her raised hand. Thankfully, Aladdin runs over and eventually smashes the glass. The sand, along with Jasmine pours out, and she coughs a bit]''
:'''Jafar''': Yes! Yes! The power! The absolute power!
:''[Jafar rises out of the palace and towards outer space, getting larger as his power grows. Down below, the wind blows fiercely to signal what's to follow]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[to Aladdin frightfully]'' What have you done?
:'''Aladdin''': Trust me!
:''[Suddenly, a black lamp, similar to that of Genie's, appears at Jafar's base, though he is too busy manipulating the stars and planets to notice at first]''
:'''Jafar''': The universe is mine to command, to control!
:'''Aladdin''': Not so fast, Jafar! Aren't you forgetting something?
:''[Jafar looks down at him questioningly, confused as to what the street rat is speaking about]''
:'''Jafar''': What?
:'''Aladdin''': You wanted to be a Genie, you've got it!
:'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Aladdin''': ''[back to normal]'' And everything that goes with it!
:''[Aladdin holds up the black lamp, and it begins to suck Jafar in. He tries to exist, but its power is too strong]''
:'''Jafar''': '''''NO! NO!!'''''
:'''Iago''': I'm getting outta here!
:'''Aladdin''': Phenomenal cosmic powers!
:'''Jafar''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Iago tries to fly off, but Jafar grabs him, and he gets sucked in as well]''
:'''Iago''': C'mon, you're the genie, I don't want--
:''[With one final clank, Jafar and Iago are sucked inside his lamp, and that is the last we see of them]''
:'''Aladdin''': Itty-bitty living space.
:'''Genie''': ''[ruffles Aladdin's hair]'' Al, you little genius, you!
:''[As a result of being trapped in his lamp, all of Jafar's magic undoes itself. First, Abu turns back into a real monkey and Carpet re-ravels himself. Next, Jasmine, the Sultan and Rajah stand together, and the tiger jumps up into the Sultan's arms. Just then, they are all transformed back into their regular clothes, and Rajah, now an adult tiger again, almost crushes him. Eventually, the palace reappears back in the ciy from where it was taken. Aladdin holds Jafar's lamp as he and Iago start to argue]''
:'''Jafar''': Get your blasted beak out of my face!
:'''Iago''': Ah, shut up, you moron!
:'''Jafar''': Don't tell me to shut up!
:'''Genie''': Allow me. Ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders will oughtta chill him out.
:'''Jafar''': ''[last words]'' Shut up! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines; Jafar and Iago continue to argue as they fade out. Jasmine walks over to Aladdin. They hold hands, but both look sad]''
:'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry I lied to you about being a prince.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': I know why you did.
:'''Aladdin''': Well, I guess this is goodbye. ''[Genie pokes his head around the corner shocked at what he is hearing]''
:'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair. I love you.
:'''Genie''': ''[wipes away a tear]'' Al, no problem. You still got one wish left. Just say the word and you're a prince again.
:'''Aladdin''': But what about your freedom?
:'''Genie''': Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. This is love. ''[he leans down next to her]'' Al, you're not gonna find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know. I've looked.
:'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I do love you. But I gotta stop pretending to be something I'm not.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': I understand.
:''[They take one final look into each other's eyes, then Aladdin turns to the Genie]''
:'''Aladdin''': Genie, I wish for your freedom.
:'''Genie''': One prince pedigree coming up. I... What?
:'''Aladdin''': ''[he holds the lamp up to Genie]'' Genie, you're free.
:''[A transformation scene ensues, in which the shackles fall off Genie's wrists and the lamp falls uselessly to the ground. Genie picks it up and looks at it]''
:'''Genie''': ''[he can't believe it; laughing]'' I'm free. I'm free. ''[he hands the lamp to Aladdin]'' Quick, quick, wish for something outrageous. Say, &quot;I want the [[Nile]].&quot; Wish for the Nile. Try that.
:'''Aladdin''': Uh, I wish for the Nile.
:'''Genie''': No way. ''[laughs hysterically. He bounces around the balcony like a pinball]'' Oh, does that feel good! I'm free. I'm free at last. I'm hittin’ the road. I'm off to see the world. I'm...
:''[He is packing a suitcase, but looks down and sees Aladdin looking very sad]''
:'''Aladdin''': Genie, I'm... I'm gonna miss you.
:'''Genie''': ''[smiling, with a tear in his eye]'' Me too, Al. No matter what anybody says, you'll always be a prince to me.
:''[They hug. The Sultan steps forward]''
:'''Sultan''': That's right. You've certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned. It's that law that's the problem.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': Father?
:'''Sultan''': Well, am I sultan or am I sultan? From this day forth, the princess shall marry whoever she deems worthy.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[she smiles widely and runs into Aladdin's arms]'' Him. I choose... I choose you, Aladdin.
:'''Aladdin''': ''[laughs]'' Call me Al.
:''[They are about to kiss when giant blue hands pull everybody together. Genie is decked out in a [[Hawaii|Hawaiian]] shirt with golf clubs and a [[Goofy]] hat]''
:'''Genie''': All of you, come over here. Big group hug. Do you mind if I kiss the monkey? ''[he kisses Abu]'' Ooh, hairball. Well, I can't do any more damage around this popsicle stand. ''[takes off]'' I'm outta here! Bye-bye, you two crazy lovebirds! Hey, Rugman, Ciao, I'm history. No, I'm mythology. I don't care what I am! I'm free-hee!
:''[The Genie flies up into the blue sky leaving a trail of sparkles behind him. They cut (a jump cut to make matters worse) to fireworks exploding over a nightscape. We tilt down and see Aladdin and Jasmine flying on Carpet]''
:'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' A whole new world.
:'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A whole new life.
:'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[with off-camera chorus]'' For you and me!
:'''Chorus''': A whole new world!
:''[They fly off into the moonlight, and after they have disappeared, the moon turns and reveals the Genie's laughing face. Suddenly the film is grabbed &quot;off the projector&quot;, the Genie lifts it up and looks at the audience]''
:'''Genie''': Made you look.
:''[Drops the film back to normal, in a normal moon]''

==PEABO BRYSON &amp; REGINA BELLE lyrics (A Whole New World)==
:'''Peabo Bryson''': I can show you the world / Shining, shimmering, splendid / Tell me, princess, now when did / You last let your heart decide?| I can open your eyes / Take you wonder by wonder / Over, sideways and under / On a magic carpet ride| A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go / Or say we're only dreaming.
:'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world / A dazzling place I never knew / But now from way up here / It's crystal clear / That now I'm in a whole new world with you| Unbelievable sights / Indescribable feeling / Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling| Through an endless diamond sky / A whole new world.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': Don't you dare close your eyes.
:'''Regina Belle''': A hundred thousand things to see.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': Hold your breath, it gets better.
:'''Regina Belle''': I'm like a shooting star / I've come so far / I can't go back to where I used to be
:'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world.
:'''Regina Belle''': With new horizons to pursue.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': I'll chase them anywhere / There's time to spare / Let me share this whole new world with you.
:'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go.
:'''Regina Belle''': Or say we're only dreaming.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world.
:'''Regina Belle''': Every turn a surprise.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': With new horizons to pursue / Every moment red-letter.
:'''Regina Belle''': I'll chase them anywhere.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare.
:'''Regina Belle''': Anywhere.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare.
:'''Regina Belle''': Let me share this whole new world with you, you / A whole new world.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world.
:'''Regina Belle''': That's where we'll be.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': Where we will be.
:'''Regina Belle''': A thrilling chase.
:'''Peabo Bryson''': A wondrous place / For you and me.|''[chorus singing]''

== Taglines ==
* Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all could come true.
* It is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts.
* A diamond in the rough.

==Cast==
* [[w:Scott Weinger|Scott Weinger]] - Aladdin
** [[w:Brad Kane|Brad Kane]] (singing voice)
* [[Robin Williams]] - The Genie/The Peddler
** [[w:Bruce Adler|Bruce Adler]] (singing voice of Peddler)
* [[w:Jonathan Freeman (actor)|Jonathan Freeman]] - Jafar
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] - Princess Jasmine
** [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] (singing voice)
* [[w:Jon Provost|Jon Provost]] - Abu/Rajah/Cave of Wonders
* [[w:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]] - Iago
* [[w:Douglas Seale|Douglas Seale]] - The Sultan
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Razoul/Farouk
* [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Prince Achmed/Necklace Merchant/Fish Merchant/Camel/Sheep

== About ''Aladdin'' ==

* The supporting characters are all depicted as nasty mean, people. While the Aladdin character, Jasmine and her father speak unaccented, standard Americanized English all the bad guys speak in foreign accents. The lesson is that anyone with a foreign accent is bad. This is horrendous racism.
** [[w:Don Bustany|Don Bustany]], president of L.A. chapter of the [[w:American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee|American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee]], [http://articles.latimes.com/1993-07-10/entertainment/ca-11747_1_altered-lyric &quot;Disney Will Alter Song in 'Aladdin' : Movies: Changes were agreed upon after Arab-Americans complained that some lyrics were racist. Some Arab groups are not satisfied.&quot;], quoted by David J. Fox, ''Los Angeles Times'', (1993-07-10).

* I saw something that speculates that the peddler at the beginning of 'Aladdin' is the Genie. That's true!&quot;
:* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/aladdin-directors-actually-confirm-crazy-fan-theory_5620fab6e4b08d94253eb6f7 &quot;Aladdin Directors Actually Confirm Crazy Fan Theory&quot;], interviewed by Bill Bradley, ''Huffington Post'', (10/16/2015). 

* One of the things [directors] Ron [Clements], John [Musker], and I were talking about was that, originally, when he came in to the first session, he said, “Do you want me to do kind of an ethnic voice for the Genie?” And we said, “No, no, just be yourself.” And we realized later that “being yourself” for Robin Williams is like being 98 different characters at once. [Laughs].
:* [[w:Eric Goldberg|Eric Goldberg]] [http://moviemezzanine.com/interview-eric-goldberg-of-aladdin/ &quot;Interview Eric Goldberg of Aladdin&quot;], interviewed by ''Movie Mezzanine'', (Oct 12, 2015).

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Aladdin (1992 Disney film)}}
{{commonscat|Aladdin (1992 film)}} 
* {{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/aladdin}}
* {{IMDb title|0103639|Aladdin}}
* {{Allmovie title|1338|Aladdin}}
* {{mojo title|aladdin|Aladdin}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|1042582|Aladdin}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Animated films]]
[[Category:American animated romance films]]
[[Category:Disney's Aladdin]]
[[Category:Middle Eastern mythology]]
[[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Musker]]
[[Category:Films about princesses]]
[[Category:Films about shapeshifting]]
[[Category:Disney Princess films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Muppet Show</title>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]''''' I '''WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! '''''I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really REALLY REALLY angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, I'm being a stupid crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  THAT’S IT!! I WILL CANCEL-- CAN-- ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number! What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! GO AWAY!!!! You guys, Get out! Get away out there!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' '''WE’RE DONE HERE!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! I HATE YOU!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''PIGGY!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now I'll never did! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! You can be replaced, Piggy.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' But…I...I just…I just don’t care!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]''''' I '''WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! '''''I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, I'm being a stupid crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! I WILL CANCEL-- CAN--''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number! What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! GO AWAY!!!! You guys, Get out! Get away out there!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' '''WE’RE DONE HERE!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! I HATE YOU!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''PIGGY!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now I'll never did! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! You can be replaced, Piggy.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' But…I...I just…I just don’t care!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]''''' I '''WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] ''''''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! '''''I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''''''''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, I'm being a stupid crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! I WILL CANCEL-- CAN--''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number! What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! GO AWAY!!!! You guys, Get out! Get away out there!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' '''WE’RE DONE HERE!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! I HATE YOU!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''PIGGY!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now I'll never did! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! You can be replaced, Piggy.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' But…I...I just…I just don’t care!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, I'm being a stupid crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! I WILL CANCEL-- CAN--''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number! What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! GO AWAY!!!! You guys, Get out! Get away out there!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' '''WE’RE DONE HERE!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! I HATE YOU!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''PIGGY!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now I'll never did! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! You can be replaced, Piggy.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' But…I...I just…I just don’t care!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced. I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on PURPOSE! Now I will be FIRED! What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!! Get out!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done!! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!! I HATE YOU!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced. I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done!! In fact, I’m done with the star!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!! I HATE YOU!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced. I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!! I HATE YOU!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced. I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I HATE YOU!!!!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!!!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced. I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you! You're fired. You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you. You're fired! You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now I will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you. You're fired! You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND I MEAN NOW!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now the Snorers' Chorus will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! NEVER AGAIN I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you. You're fired! You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER AGAIN!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now the Snorers' Chorus will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great! I’m done with this, Piggy!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!!!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you. You're fired! You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER AGAIN!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now the Snorers' Chorus will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great. Tonight's show has been cancelled! I’m done with this, Piggy! The show is no more... because I quit! I give up!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': HAI-YA! ''[irritated, she pushes kemrit furious]'' '''I AM DONE! I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': ''[after singing &quot;Some Enchanted Evening&quot; while dancing with Connie Stevens]'' Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr. Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! ''[laughs with him]''

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!
:'''Fozzie''': ''[clobbers him with a rubber chicken]'' What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- ''[sneezes]'' ACHOOO!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Goodbye everybody.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age!
:''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': ''[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience]'' Stereophonic horse! ''[puts the cassette back into the tape deck]''

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh...that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! ''[Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[in unison]'' OH NO!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number!
:''[They both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[whispers to the pig minister]'' Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]]. ''[a group teenage girls jumps to the stage]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[to the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': ''[gasps]'' Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.
:''[All cheering]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage ''[they touched their noses and smile together]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[laughing hysterically]'' You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Right back at ya, Sylvester.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Well, that was really joyful.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Okay. ''[punches the punching bag]''
:'''The Punching Bag''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''Double Bass Player''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:''[They chuckle]''

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:''[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!
:'''Chicken''': Meow.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
:''[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? ''[no one answers]'' It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. ''[looks at himself in the mirror he's holding]'' Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! ''[hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand]'' Release the ropes! ''[the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple! I just snap my fingers! ''[snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight]'' Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. — 
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Observe. Of course, I can help you.
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': (to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': (saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song &quot;Golden Earrings&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': What now?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Mm-hm.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': She made a dire prediction!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': So — so, what was the dire prediction?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I don't believe it.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Fozzie!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]], [[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]] and [[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': The Swedish Chef.
:'''[[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]]''': Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': (gasp!) Your majesty!

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, chief.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, ''Tongue Magazine''.
:'''Kermit''': ''[gasps in shock]''
:'''Scooter''': Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
:'''Kermit''': ''[shocked]'' '''''What?''''' But-- ''[Scooter leaves; Kermit calls out for Miss Piggy]'' Piggy? Piggy?!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[runs up to Kermit]'' Yes, mon chéri.
:'''Kermit''': ''[annoyed]'' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[angry]'' I told you not to make you think a thing like that! I'm so angry!
:'''Kermit''':  [sternly] Look! I know you are upset about what happened, and I know you're angry about your temper about the photographer who was just here! He was from ''Tongue Magazine''!
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muttering]'' Oh. Oh, him. ''[in unison, furious volume]'' Well, it was no point losing your temper already! In fact, I’m done with a little teeny ''tiny'' item!-
:'''Kermit''': ''(angry as well)'' It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
:'''Miss Piggy''': Why, You couldn't wait to come back here and it... it was  here to work, you don't want to be part of the slight exaggeration.
:'''Kermit''': [angrily] '''THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [frustrated] No, You're not looking hard enough! it's not fair for this!
:'''Kermit''': ''[continues yelling at Piggy, who keeps making very angry to him]  '''I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE ''THAT'', PIGGY!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': [enraged] Your, just a show-off, you dumb.
:'''Kermit''': [angered] '''NO!! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[in unison nervously]''  Well, if you’re the one who’s being too savage, you don't even wanna find it! You never did!! '''NEVER!!''' It won't be gonna do help tomorrow then!!!
:'''Kermit''': ''(Turns red, angriest, aggressive)'' '''''I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! PIGGY, I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:''[Kermit growls furiously. Miss Piggy is aghast upon hearing this, due to his anger.]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Ooh! Now if I yell, you'll fire me really '''REALLY REALLY''' angry!
:'''Kermit''': (furious) Well, You can be replaced! I'm being a stupid, crazy angry!!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': (angry, in unison) How dare you. You're fired! You're fired!! (yelling angrily and loudly) '''HOW DARE YOU!?!?''' 
:'''Kermit''':  '''THAT’S IT!! CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY CANCEL! AND NEVER AGAIN!''' ''[screams angrily freaks out to the Snorers on the stage]'' Cancel  the next number would did that on '''PURPOSE!''' Now the Snorers' Chorus will be '''FIRED!''' What you are doing now is being a big bully! And you monster!!! ''[yells out to Piggy]''   You're fired your temper, so, you're fired with booed by the audience! Now I'll never be able to the Snorers' Chorus onstage! '''GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!!!!''' Get out!! '''GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''[screaming, over Kermit]'' ''' I'VE HAD ENOUGH HERE!!!! GET OUT OF THE STAGE AND DON’T HERE SEE ME AGAIN!! PISS OFF!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[turns and screams angrily and loudly]'' '''SHUT UP!! NOW, PIGGY!!!!!!!'''
:'''Miss Piggy''': So much for a surprise! Now  I'm done! I'm done! In fact, I’m done with the star!!
:'''Kermit''':  Oh, great. Tonight's show has been cancelled! I’m done with this, Piggy! The show is no more... because I quit! I give up!!
:'''Miss Piggy''': [irritated] I'll show you hurt! '''HAI-YA!''' [karate-chops Kermit furious] '''I AM DONE! I HATE YOU!!!!!!'''
:'''Kermit''': ''[begins arguing, fighting, shouting and yelling at Piggy, Kermit slaps Miss Piggy’s face and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' I will hurt you!

===[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]] [5.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Simple Simon met a pieman! &quot;Going to the fair?&quot; said Simple Simon to the pieman!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': To go where?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Well, here! ''[pies Fozzie Bear in the face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
:'''Beauregard''': What are you gonna do?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! ''[the chickens flock to Paul]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Am I interrupting anything?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Thank you!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Can I tell you something?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Sure.
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': You are my favourite muppet.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh yeah, sure.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Which one of ''your'' songs?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': You don't think I'm musically educated?
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good. Hand me that clarinet. ''[gestures to Paul's guitar]''
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
:'''[[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]]''': ''[sighs]'' I feared you would say that.

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[(To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]

==Cast==
* [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] - &lt;span style=color:green&gt;Kermit the Frog&lt;/span&gt;
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear
* [[w:</text>
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&lt;!---EDIT BELOW ONLY---&gt;

== New report 2024-10-20, 03:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:B8EE:9E2:B269:4F0A}}

This user has resumed inserting the same lies over at [[The Father (2020 film)]] and [[News of the World]]. Nobody uses Fandom as a reliable source because it is a user generated site. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 03:16, 20 October 2024 (UTC)
: Decliend, action stopped. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 01:14, 21 October 2024 (UTC)
::It looks like the vandal has decided to vandalize [[Beast Wars: Transformers]]. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 19:16, 21 October 2024 (UTC)
:::I have protected the page. This seems like a pedestrian content dispute rather than vandalism, but I could be wrong. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 October 2024 (UTC)
::::I'm afraid he is a vandal. He tried to do the same thing on Wikipedia's pages and on Fandom Wikis under the name of Dfrenzel. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 19:31, 21 October 2024 (UTC)
:::::Doing the same thing in multiple places does not make for vandalism. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/93.140.141.128|93.140.141.128]] ==

* {{vandal|93.140.141.128}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:55, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:07, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Laxman4fa|Laxman4fa]] ==

* {{vandal|Laxman4fa}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:15, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:07, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/130.61.128.238|130.61.128.238]] ==

* {{vandal|130.61.128.238}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:36, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} warned, since it's pretty mild. I hope that's enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:41, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Arif Hikmət türk|Arif Hikmət türk]] ==

* {{vandal|Arif Hikmət türk}}
xwiki spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:39, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} another delete and warn. I hope this is effective. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:43, 21 October 2024 (UTC)
::Thank you for your attention! Nicat Kamal [[Müəllif:Rauf Cavad|Arif Hikmət türk]] ([[User talk:Arif Hikmət türk|talk]]). 20:24, 22 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sulemansheikh|Sulemansheikh]] ==

* {{vandal|Sulemansheikh}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:26, 22 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:06, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wisaya8887|Wisaya8887]] ==

* {{vandal|Wisaya8887}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:45, 22 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:06, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Salim Abubakar Gombe|Salim Abubakar Gombe]] ==

* {{vandal|Salim Abubakar Gombe}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:52, 22 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:07, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Feny1425|Feny1425]] ==

* {{vandal|Feny1425}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:48, 25 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:08, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:5C7:4100:3600:9237:687:C2BE:EB26|2601:5C7:4100:3600:9237:687:C2BE:EB26]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:5C7:4100:3600:9237:687:C2BE:EB26}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:34, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:09, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:544A:9BA6:0:0:E23:C120|2401:4900:544A:9BA6:0:0:E23:C120]] ==

* {{vandal|2401:4900:544A:9BA6:0:0:E23:C120}}
Vandalism. Repeated bad edits on [[Talk:Main Page]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:SHB2000|SHB2000]] ([[User talk:SHB2000|talk]]) 05:51, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:10, 27 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>trwco6p24nnbc67c3mosu0kla2f4wlo</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Pokémon</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:447:C601:4CD0:A881:5FC4:39A4:1652</ip>
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      <comment>/* Others */</comment>
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      <text bytes="16778" sha1="3h38az8qocieklqh4v28t3gxy3ox7p3" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Wikiball.svg|thumb|200px|Places to catch [[insects]] are rare because of [[urbanization]]. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game. ~ [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]]]]
[[File:ANA Boeing 747-481 (JA8962) in Pokémon livery.jpg|thumb|200px|Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract [[younger]] and [[female]] viewers as well as their [[mothers]], Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. The pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate [[pet]] to [[child]] viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is [[Winnie the Pooh]]. ~ Joseph Tobin]] The most popular legendary Pokémon is very special and it’s name is Diddy
'''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]''' may refer to:

===Anime===
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 1]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 2]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 3]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 4]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 5]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 6]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 7]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 8]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 9]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 10]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 11]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 12]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 13]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 14]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 15]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 16]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 17]]''
* ''[[Pokemon/Season 18]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 19]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 20]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 21]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 22]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 23]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 24]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 25]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Chronicles]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Horizons: The Series]]''

===Movie===
* ''[[Pokémon: The First Movie|Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back]]'' - 1998 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie 2000|The Power of One]]'' - 1999 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Spell of the Unknown]]'' - 2000 Film
* ''[[Pokémon 4Ever|Celebi: The Voice of the Forest]]'' - 2001 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Heroes|Latios &amp; Latias]]'' - 2002 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Jirachi: Wish Maker]]'' - 2003 Film
* ''[[Pokemon: Destiny Deoxys|Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys]]'' - 2004 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Lucario and The Mystery of Mew|Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew]]'' - 2005 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea]]'' - 2006 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai]]'' - 2007 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior]]'' - 2008 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life]]'' - 2009 Film
* ''[[Pokémon—Zoroark: Master of Illusions]]'' - 2010 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom/Black—Victini and Reshiram]]'' - 2011 Films
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice]]'' - 2012 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Genesect and the Legend Awakened]]'' - 2013 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction]]'' - 2014 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages]]'' - 2015 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel]]'' - 2016 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You!]]'' - 2017 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us]]'' - 2018 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution]]'' - 2019 Film (CGI remake of the first film)
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Secrets of the Jungle]]'' - 2020 Film

===Games===
* ''[[Pokémon Red and Blue]]'' - 1996 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Gold and Silver]]'' - 1999 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire]]'' - 2002 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl]]'' - 2006 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Black and White]]'' - 2010 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon X and Y]]'' - 2013 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sun and Moon]]'' - 2016 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sword and Shield]]'' - 2019 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Scarlet and Violet]]'' - 2022 Video games

===Others===
* ''[[Last words in Pokémon]]''
* ''[[Pokemon: Mewtwo Returns|Pokémon: Mewtwo Returns]]'' - 2000 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon]]'' - 2006 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Arceus Chronicles]]'' - 2022 Television special

==''About {{PAGENAME}}''==
[https://www.superxanime.co/2020/07/pokemon-2019-all-episodes-english-subbed.html *'''TIME''': So you were collecting Pokémon a long time ago! Did you make the insects fight against each other?]
:'''Tajiri''': No, but sometimes they would eat each other.
:'''TIME''': Did you get the idea for Pokémon from these insects?
:'''Tajiri''': Yes. Places to catch insects are rare because of urbanization. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game.
:* [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]], [https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2040095,00.html &quot;The Ultimate Game Freak&quot;], ''TIME'', (Nov. 22, 1999).

* Kamo Yoshinori (2000), a U.S.-based sociologist, observes that American children who love Pokémon believe that Japan is a very cool nation that produces wonderful characters, imaginary worlds, and commodities. He sees in Pokémon's success a very hopeful sign that American audiences are becoming more open to Japanese cultural values and that they are changing their image of Japan from a land that is strange and workaholic to someplace that is humane and cool. Sakurai Tetsuo (2001) also reads the success of Pokémon as a sign of hopefulness in what was otherwise a decade in Japan dominated by negative occurrences. According to Sakurai, in just a couple of years Pokémon has done more for Japan's image than was accomplished up till now by Japanese literature and films or by the Japanese government's public relations initiatives abroad. Sakurai, too, describes Pokémon's global appeal in terms of it being &quot;cool.&quot; 
** Joseph Tobin, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Pikachu_s_Global_Adventure.html?id=y3z0WzvUDqYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Pikachu's Global Adventure: The Rise and Fall of Pokémon&quot;]. ''Duke University Press'', (2004).

*…some critics argue that Pokémon's influence on the global cultural scene is in fact quite trivial when compared to such Western popular cultural products as [[The Beatles|the Beatles]] or [[rap]] [[music]]. These critics find Pokémon's message too superficial to count as a meaningful cultural export (e.g., ''Newsweek Japan'', 8 December 1999:50-51). However, this kind of comparison is also fruitless and even fallacious as it implies that American/Western popular culture continues to present the rest of the world with influential messages, ideas, and lifestyles that have the power to impact world politics and to launch social movements, just as it used to do. A more productive way of making sense of the symbolic power of Japanese [[animation]] and [[computer games]] is to look at the issue of transnational cultural hegemony and power in a different light, rather than from a conventional Americanization perspective. The age of Americanization, in which crosscultural consumption was predominantly discussed in terms of the influence of a single dominant country, is, if not over, at least coming to an end (cf. Tomlinson 1991). I would suggest that we use the rise of Japanese cultural exports as an opportunity to reconsider the meaning of transnational [[cultural]] [[power]]. The international popularity of Japanese anime and computer games as exemplified in the Pokémon craze provides us with some clues we can use to discern emerging trends in the global circulation of characters, culture, and products. &lt;br&gt; Pokémon's global success is indeed unprecedented. However, it would be misleading to think that the factors that contributed to this success are unique to Pokémon. I would suggest instead that Pokémon is the product that to date has most efficiently capitalized on emerging marketing trends. Animation and computer game characters are playing an increasingly significant role in the multimedia business. Computer game characters are intertextual, and can be used in a variety of media such as movies, TV series, comics, toys and associated merchandise. Marsha Kinder (1991) describes the multiple possibilities of transmedia intertextuality as representing a &quot;supersystem of entertainment&quot; that has come to be a dominant force in the global entertainment business. In Japan, media industry leaders decided that computer games and animation would be the main features of such a supersystem. Together with the global success of Japanese computer game software such as Super Mario Brothers, the realization, since the recent recession, of declining strength in the Japanese manufacturing-oriented economy has convinced many Japanese companies to invest in the development of animated and digitalized multimedia products.
** ibid, pp. 62-63.

* Pokémon exemplifies how the supersystem works. Pokémon was first created as Game Boy software. It then almost simultaneously appeared as a serial comic in ''Koro Koro'', a monthly comic magazine targeted to boys, as a part of an overall marketing strategy. The positive reception of the computer game and the comics led to the creation of and further interlinking with trading cards, a TV series, films, and, eventually, various merchandise featuring popular Pokémon characters. Within this multiple product, multimedia business, Pokémon constantly reinvented itself. For example, for the creation of the comics and the TV cartoon, Pippii and Pikachi were chosen as the main Pokémon characters, respectively. Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract younger and female viewers as well as their mothers, Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. the pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate pet to child viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is Winnie the Pooh (Kubo 2000a; 2000b). &lt;br&gt; As we can see in the case of the emergence of Pikachu as the key character, the development of the Pokémon supersystem was achieved through trial and error in the Japanese market. But once the components of the supersystem were put together in Japan, they could be used systematically to introduce Pokémon in global markets. The overseas promotion of Pokémon was forged from the outset by a subtly packaged amalgamation of cartoons, comics, trading cards, feature films, character merchandise, and Game Boy games.
** ibid, pp.63-64

* Although the Pokémon animation series and its Game Boy game were not created primarily for the global market, their domestic success quickly convinced producers of Pokémon's potential to succeed overseas. Kubo Masakazu explains that he and the other producers of the television series believed that Pokémon would be relatively easy to localize for a global market because &quot;the setting of the adventure explored by Satoshi and Pikachu looks ''mukokuseki'' and [[religion]]-free. It appeared easy to produce international versions by erasing Japanese language signs as much as possible&quot; (2000b:345).
** Ibid, p.68

===Commercials===
*'''Ash''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I smell like a stinky Primeape!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Yeah, ya do, Ash!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Pinky and the Brain|''Pinky and the Brain'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Misty''': Hey, what kind of Pokémon is that?&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I dunno, but I'm gonna catch it!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#Pinky|Pinky]]''': Brain, we're not Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#The Brain|Brain]]''': Be quiet. If we catch them all, we'll be able to rule the world! Bring it on!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I choose you! Charmeleon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! ''[is tail-whipped by Charmeleon]'' Aaaaah!&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Discover all-new Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': ''[gets roasted by Charmeleon]'' Gotta catch 'em all...&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': This weekend on Kids' WB!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Histeria!|''Histeria!'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:List of Histeria! characters#Father Time|Father Time]]''': [[w:List of Histeria! characters#Big Fat Baby|Big Fat Baby]], I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, Vine Whip!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur! ''[sends out its vines]''&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Slobber attack, now!&lt;br&gt;'''Big Fat Baby''': ''[lets out a huge raspberry, sending a huge wave against Ash]''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Aaaaahh!&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Did I win? Did we win?&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Catch ''Pokémon'' and ''Histeria!'', now in the same arena, every weekday morning on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Can we at least get a moist towelette over here?

*''[In a [[w:Men In Black: The Series|''Men in Black'']] promo]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Hey, what're we celebrating?&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': I got a new partner.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Say what?!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Meet Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': You're trading me in for a lizard!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': What's so special about him!&lt;br&gt;''[Bulbasaur suddenly Vine Whips Jay.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Built-in weaponry.&lt;br&gt;''[Later, Kay and a fully-suited Bulbasaur are seen driving the car.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': You're gonna do okay, kid.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!

*'''[[w:Batman|Batman]]''': Time for bed.&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Tim Drake|Tim Drake]]''': All right, but a deal's a deal!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': No way.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': You promised!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Rrrrg. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee... All right, good night.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': The whole thing!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Hmmmph. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee...

* '''Nurse Joy''': Hurry!  It's spreading! ''[shows a bunch of Kids' WB! characters imitating Pokémon]''&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Batman (Terry McGinnis)|Batman II]]''': ''[on a stretch table]''  Squirtle squirtle...&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Yakko, Wakko and Dot|Dot Warner]]:''' ''[being pushed by Ash]''  Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': PiiikaaaCHU! ''[sneezes]''&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter''': ''[running next to [[w:Tweety Bird|Tweety]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''  This is the 20th case of Pokémon fever this week!!&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Joy''': It's unstop-able!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': ''[coughs]'' Koffing....''[faints]''&lt;br&gt;:'''[[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]:''' Come on doc, EVOLVE ME!&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter:''' Okay everybody!  CLEAR!&lt;br&gt;'''Pikachu''': ''[jumps up]'' PIKACHU!!!! ''[uses Thunderbolt and blows up the Pokémon Center]''&lt;br&gt;''[Later]''&lt;br&gt;'''Daffy Duck''': ''[now a Psyduck]'' Why couldn't you evolve me into a Charizard?  Or even a Fearow? Noooo! It had to be a Psyduck! Sheesh!

[[Category:Pokémon| ]]
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      <text bytes="16843" sha1="19ipbd9cw52wg1941kkuyfm01jjlyfy" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Wikiball.svg|thumb|200px|Places to catch [[insects]] are rare because of [[urbanization]]. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game. ~ [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]]]]
[[File:ANA Boeing 747-481 (JA8962) in Pokémon livery.jpg|thumb|200px|Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract [[younger]] and [[female]] viewers as well as their [[mothers]], Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. The pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate [[pet]] to [[child]] viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is [[Winnie the Pooh]]. ~ Joseph Tobin]] The most popular legendary Pokémon is very special and it’s name is Diddy
'''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]''' may refer to:

===Anime===
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 1]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 2]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 3]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 4]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 5]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 6]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 7]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 8]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 9]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 10]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 11]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 12]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 13]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 14]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 15]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 16]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 17]]''
* ''[[Pokemon/Season 18]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 19]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 20]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 21]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 22]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 23]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 24]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 25]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Chronicles]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Horizons: The Series]]''

===Movie===
* ''[[Pokémon: The First Movie|Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back]]'' - 1998 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie 2000|The Power of One]]'' - 1999 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Spell of the Unknown]]'' - 2000 Film
* ''[[Pokémon 4Ever|Celebi: The Voice of the Forest]]'' - 2001 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Heroes|Latios &amp; Latias]]'' - 2002 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Jirachi: Wish Maker]]'' - 2003 Film
* ''[[Pokemon: Destiny Deoxys|Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys]]'' - 2004 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Lucario and The Mystery of Mew|Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew]]'' - 2005 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea]]'' - 2006 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai]]'' - 2007 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior]]'' - 2008 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life]]'' - 2009 Film
* ''[[Pokémon—Zoroark: Master of Illusions]]'' - 2010 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom/Black—Victini and Reshiram]]'' - 2011 Films
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice]]'' - 2012 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Genesect and the Legend Awakened]]'' - 2013 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction]]'' - 2014 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages]]'' - 2015 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel]]'' - 2016 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You!]]'' - 2017 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us]]'' - 2018 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution]]'' - 2019 Film (CGI remake of the first film)
* ''[[Detective Pikachu (film)|Detective Pikachu]]'' - 2019 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Secrets of the Jungle]]'' - 2020 Film

===Games===
* ''[[Pokémon Red and Blue]]'' - 1996 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Gold and Silver]]'' - 1999 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire]]'' - 2002 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl]]'' - 2006 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Black and White]]'' - 2010 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon X and Y]]'' - 2013 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sun and Moon]]'' - 2016 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sword and Shield]]'' - 2019 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Scarlet and Violet]]'' - 2022 Video games

===Others===
* ''[[Last words in Pokémon]]''
* ''[[Pokemon: Mewtwo Returns|Pokémon: Mewtwo Returns]]'' - 2000 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon]]'' - 2006 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Arceus Chronicles]]'' - 2022 Television special

==''About {{PAGENAME}}''==
[https://www.superxanime.co/2020/07/pokemon-2019-all-episodes-english-subbed.html *'''TIME''': So you were collecting Pokémon a long time ago! Did you make the insects fight against each other?]
:'''Tajiri''': No, but sometimes they would eat each other.
:'''TIME''': Did you get the idea for Pokémon from these insects?
:'''Tajiri''': Yes. Places to catch insects are rare because of urbanization. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game.
:* [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]], [https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2040095,00.html &quot;The Ultimate Game Freak&quot;], ''TIME'', (Nov. 22, 1999).

* Kamo Yoshinori (2000), a U.S.-based sociologist, observes that American children who love Pokémon believe that Japan is a very cool nation that produces wonderful characters, imaginary worlds, and commodities. He sees in Pokémon's success a very hopeful sign that American audiences are becoming more open to Japanese cultural values and that they are changing their image of Japan from a land that is strange and workaholic to someplace that is humane and cool. Sakurai Tetsuo (2001) also reads the success of Pokémon as a sign of hopefulness in what was otherwise a decade in Japan dominated by negative occurrences. According to Sakurai, in just a couple of years Pokémon has done more for Japan's image than was accomplished up till now by Japanese literature and films or by the Japanese government's public relations initiatives abroad. Sakurai, too, describes Pokémon's global appeal in terms of it being &quot;cool.&quot; 
** Joseph Tobin, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Pikachu_s_Global_Adventure.html?id=y3z0WzvUDqYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Pikachu's Global Adventure: The Rise and Fall of Pokémon&quot;]. ''Duke University Press'', (2004).

*…some critics argue that Pokémon's influence on the global cultural scene is in fact quite trivial when compared to such Western popular cultural products as [[The Beatles|the Beatles]] or [[rap]] [[music]]. These critics find Pokémon's message too superficial to count as a meaningful cultural export (e.g., ''Newsweek Japan'', 8 December 1999:50-51). However, this kind of comparison is also fruitless and even fallacious as it implies that American/Western popular culture continues to present the rest of the world with influential messages, ideas, and lifestyles that have the power to impact world politics and to launch social movements, just as it used to do. A more productive way of making sense of the symbolic power of Japanese [[animation]] and [[computer games]] is to look at the issue of transnational cultural hegemony and power in a different light, rather than from a conventional Americanization perspective. The age of Americanization, in which crosscultural consumption was predominantly discussed in terms of the influence of a single dominant country, is, if not over, at least coming to an end (cf. Tomlinson 1991). I would suggest that we use the rise of Japanese cultural exports as an opportunity to reconsider the meaning of transnational [[cultural]] [[power]]. The international popularity of Japanese anime and computer games as exemplified in the Pokémon craze provides us with some clues we can use to discern emerging trends in the global circulation of characters, culture, and products. &lt;br&gt; Pokémon's global success is indeed unprecedented. However, it would be misleading to think that the factors that contributed to this success are unique to Pokémon. I would suggest instead that Pokémon is the product that to date has most efficiently capitalized on emerging marketing trends. Animation and computer game characters are playing an increasingly significant role in the multimedia business. Computer game characters are intertextual, and can be used in a variety of media such as movies, TV series, comics, toys and associated merchandise. Marsha Kinder (1991) describes the multiple possibilities of transmedia intertextuality as representing a &quot;supersystem of entertainment&quot; that has come to be a dominant force in the global entertainment business. In Japan, media industry leaders decided that computer games and animation would be the main features of such a supersystem. Together with the global success of Japanese computer game software such as Super Mario Brothers, the realization, since the recent recession, of declining strength in the Japanese manufacturing-oriented economy has convinced many Japanese companies to invest in the development of animated and digitalized multimedia products.
** ibid, pp. 62-63.

* Pokémon exemplifies how the supersystem works. Pokémon was first created as Game Boy software. It then almost simultaneously appeared as a serial comic in ''Koro Koro'', a monthly comic magazine targeted to boys, as a part of an overall marketing strategy. The positive reception of the computer game and the comics led to the creation of and further interlinking with trading cards, a TV series, films, and, eventually, various merchandise featuring popular Pokémon characters. Within this multiple product, multimedia business, Pokémon constantly reinvented itself. For example, for the creation of the comics and the TV cartoon, Pippii and Pikachi were chosen as the main Pokémon characters, respectively. Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract younger and female viewers as well as their mothers, Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. the pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate pet to child viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is Winnie the Pooh (Kubo 2000a; 2000b). &lt;br&gt; As we can see in the case of the emergence of Pikachu as the key character, the development of the Pokémon supersystem was achieved through trial and error in the Japanese market. But once the components of the supersystem were put together in Japan, they could be used systematically to introduce Pokémon in global markets. The overseas promotion of Pokémon was forged from the outset by a subtly packaged amalgamation of cartoons, comics, trading cards, feature films, character merchandise, and Game Boy games.
** ibid, pp.63-64

* Although the Pokémon animation series and its Game Boy game were not created primarily for the global market, their domestic success quickly convinced producers of Pokémon's potential to succeed overseas. Kubo Masakazu explains that he and the other producers of the television series believed that Pokémon would be relatively easy to localize for a global market because &quot;the setting of the adventure explored by Satoshi and Pikachu looks ''mukokuseki'' and [[religion]]-free. It appeared easy to produce international versions by erasing Japanese language signs as much as possible&quot; (2000b:345).
** Ibid, p.68

===Commercials===
*'''Ash''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I smell like a stinky Primeape!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Yeah, ya do, Ash!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Pinky and the Brain|''Pinky and the Brain'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Misty''': Hey, what kind of Pokémon is that?&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I dunno, but I'm gonna catch it!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#Pinky|Pinky]]''': Brain, we're not Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#The Brain|Brain]]''': Be quiet. If we catch them all, we'll be able to rule the world! Bring it on!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I choose you! Charmeleon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! ''[is tail-whipped by Charmeleon]'' Aaaaah!&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Discover all-new Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': ''[gets roasted by Charmeleon]'' Gotta catch 'em all...&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': This weekend on Kids' WB!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Histeria!|''Histeria!'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:List of Histeria! characters#Father Time|Father Time]]''': [[w:List of Histeria! characters#Big Fat Baby|Big Fat Baby]], I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, Vine Whip!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur! ''[sends out its vines]''&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Slobber attack, now!&lt;br&gt;'''Big Fat Baby''': ''[lets out a huge raspberry, sending a huge wave against Ash]''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Aaaaahh!&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Did I win? Did we win?&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Catch ''Pokémon'' and ''Histeria!'', now in the same arena, every weekday morning on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Can we at least get a moist towelette over here?

*''[In a [[w:Men In Black: The Series|''Men in Black'']] promo]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Hey, what're we celebrating?&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': I got a new partner.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Say what?!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Meet Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': You're trading me in for a lizard!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': What's so special about him!&lt;br&gt;''[Bulbasaur suddenly Vine Whips Jay.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Built-in weaponry.&lt;br&gt;''[Later, Kay and a fully-suited Bulbasaur are seen driving the car.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': You're gonna do okay, kid.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!

*'''[[w:Batman|Batman]]''': Time for bed.&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Tim Drake|Tim Drake]]''': All right, but a deal's a deal!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': No way.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': You promised!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Rrrrg. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee... All right, good night.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': The whole thing!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Hmmmph. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee...

* '''Nurse Joy''': Hurry!  It's spreading! ''[shows a bunch of Kids' WB! characters imitating Pokémon]''&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Batman (Terry McGinnis)|Batman II]]''': ''[on a stretch table]''  Squirtle squirtle...&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Yakko, Wakko and Dot|Dot Warner]]:''' ''[being pushed by Ash]''  Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': PiiikaaaCHU! ''[sneezes]''&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter''': ''[running next to [[w:Tweety Bird|Tweety]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''  This is the 20th case of Pokémon fever this week!!&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Joy''': It's unstop-able!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': ''[coughs]'' Koffing....''[faints]''&lt;br&gt;:'''[[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]:''' Come on doc, EVOLVE ME!&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter:''' Okay everybody!  CLEAR!&lt;br&gt;'''Pikachu''': ''[jumps up]'' PIKACHU!!!! ''[uses Thunderbolt and blows up the Pokémon Center]''&lt;br&gt;''[Later]''&lt;br&gt;'''Daffy Duck''': ''[now a Psyduck]'' Why couldn't you evolve me into a Charizard?  Or even a Fearow? Noooo! It had to be a Psyduck! Sheesh!

[[Category:Pokémon| ]]
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      <text bytes="12999" sha1="oyo06yrfsef6oliz2oxyfnmobpegf7m" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Wikiball.svg|thumb|200px|Places to catch [[insects]] are rare because of [[urbanization]]. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game. ~ [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]]]]
[[File:ANA Boeing 747-481 (JA8962) in Pokémon livery.jpg|thumb|200px|Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract [[younger]] and [[female]] viewers as well as their [[mothers]], Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. The pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate [[pet]] to [[child]] viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is [[Winnie the Pooh]]. ~ Joseph Tobin]] The most popular legendary Pokémon is very special and it’s name is Diddy
'''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]''' may refer to:

===Anime===
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 1]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 2]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 3]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 4]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 5]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 6]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 7]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 8]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 9]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 10]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 11]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 12]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 13]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 14]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 15]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 16]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 17]]''
* ''[[Pokemon/Season 18]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 19]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 20]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 21]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 22]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 23]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 24]]''
* ''[[Pokémon/Season 25]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Chronicles]]''
* ''[[Pokémon Horizons: The Series]]''

===Movie===
* ''[[Pokémon: The First Movie|Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back]]'' - 1998 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie 2000|The Power of One]]'' - 1999 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Spell of the Unknown]]'' - 2000 Film
* ''[[Pokémon 4Ever|Celebi: The Voice of the Forest]]'' - 2001 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Heroes|Latios &amp; Latias]]'' - 2002 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Jirachi: Wish Maker]]'' - 2003 Film
* ''[[Pokemon: Destiny Deoxys|Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys]]'' - 2004 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Lucario and The Mystery of Mew|Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew]]'' - 2005 Film
* ''[[Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea]]'' - 2006 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai]]'' - 2007 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior]]'' - 2008 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life]]'' - 2009 Film
* ''[[Pokémon—Zoroark: Master of Illusions]]'' - 2010 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom/Black—Victini and Reshiram]]'' - 2011 Films
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice]]'' - 2012 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Genesect and the Legend Awakened]]'' - 2013 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction]]'' - 2014 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages]]'' - 2015 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel]]'' - 2016 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You!]]'' - 2017 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us]]'' - 2018 Film
* ''[[Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution]]'' - 2019 Film (CGI remake of the first film)
* ''[[Detective Pikachu (film)|Detective Pikachu]]'' - 2019 Film
* ''[[Pokémon the Movie: Secrets of the Jungle]]'' - 2020 Film

===Games===
* ''[[Pokémon Red and Blue]]'' - 1996 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Gold and Silver]]'' - 1999 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire]]'' - 2002 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl]]'' - 2006 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Black and White]]'' - 2010 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon X and Y]]'' - 2013 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sun and Moon]]'' - 2016 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Sword and Shield]]'' - 2019 Video games
* ''[[Pokémon Scarlet and Violet]]'' - 2022 Video games

===Others===
* ''[[Last words in Pokémon]]''
* ''[[Pokemon: Mewtwo Returns|Pokémon: Mewtwo Returns]]'' - 2000 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon]]'' - 2006 Television special
* ''[[Pokémon: The Arceus Chronicles]]'' - 2022 Television special

==''About {{PAGENAME}}''==
[https://www.superxanime.co/2020/07/pokemon-2019-all-episodes-english-subbed.html *'''TIME''': So you were collecting Pokémon a long time ago! Did you make the insects fight against each other?]
:'''Tajiri''': No, but sometimes they would eat each other.
:'''TIME''': Did you get the idea for Pokémon from these insects?
:'''Tajiri''': Yes. Places to catch insects are rare because of urbanization. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game.
:* [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]], [https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2040095,00.html &quot;The Ultimate Game Freak&quot;], ''TIME'', (Nov. 22, 1999).

* Kamo Yoshinori (2000), a U.S.-based sociologist, observes that American children who love Pokémon believe that Japan is a very cool nation that produces wonderful characters, imaginary worlds, and commodities. He sees in Pokémon's success a very hopeful sign that American audiences are becoming more open to Japanese cultural values and that they are changing their image of Japan from a land that is strange and workaholic to someplace that is humane and cool. Sakurai Tetsuo (2001) also reads the success of Pokémon as a sign of hopefulness in what was otherwise a decade in Japan dominated by negative occurrences. According to Sakurai, in just a couple of years Pokémon has done more for Japan's image than was accomplished up till now by Japanese literature and films or by the Japanese government's public relations initiatives abroad. Sakurai, too, describes Pokémon's global appeal in terms of it being &quot;cool.&quot; 
** Joseph Tobin, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Pikachu_s_Global_Adventure.html?id=y3z0WzvUDqYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Pikachu's Global Adventure: The Rise and Fall of Pokémon&quot;]. ''Duke University Press'', (2004).

*…some critics argue that Pokémon's influence on the global cultural scene is in fact quite trivial when compared to such Western popular cultural products as [[The Beatles|the Beatles]] or [[rap]] [[music]]. These critics find Pokémon's message too superficial to count as a meaningful cultural export (e.g., ''Newsweek Japan'', 8 December 1999:50-51). However, this kind of comparison is also fruitless and even fallacious as it implies that American/Western popular culture continues to present the rest of the world with influential messages, ideas, and lifestyles that have the power to impact world politics and to launch social movements, just as it used to do. A more productive way of making sense of the symbolic power of Japanese [[animation]] and [[computer games]] is to look at the issue of transnational cultural hegemony and power in a different light, rather than from a conventional Americanization perspective. The age of Americanization, in which crosscultural consumption was predominantly discussed in terms of the influence of a single dominant country, is, if not over, at least coming to an end (cf. Tomlinson 1991). I would suggest that we use the rise of Japanese cultural exports as an opportunity to reconsider the meaning of transnational [[cultural]] [[power]]. The international popularity of Japanese anime and computer games as exemplified in the Pokémon craze provides us with some clues we can use to discern emerging trends in the global circulation of characters, culture, and products. &lt;br&gt; Pokémon's global success is indeed unprecedented. However, it would be misleading to think that the factors that contributed to this success are unique to Pokémon. I would suggest instead that Pokémon is the product that to date has most efficiently capitalized on emerging marketing trends. Animation and computer game characters are playing an increasingly significant role in the multimedia business. Computer game characters are intertextual, and can be used in a variety of media such as movies, TV series, comics, toys and associated merchandise. Marsha Kinder (1991) describes the multiple possibilities of transmedia intertextuality as representing a &quot;supersystem of entertainment&quot; that has come to be a dominant force in the global entertainment business. In Japan, media industry leaders decided that computer games and animation would be the main features of such a supersystem. Together with the global success of Japanese computer game software such as Super Mario Brothers, the realization, since the recent recession, of declining strength in the Japanese manufacturing-oriented economy has convinced many Japanese companies to invest in the development of animated and digitalized multimedia products.
** ibid, pp. 62-63.

* Pokémon exemplifies how the supersystem works. Pokémon was first created as Game Boy software. It then almost simultaneously appeared as a serial comic in ''Koro Koro'', a monthly comic magazine targeted to boys, as a part of an overall marketing strategy. The positive reception of the computer game and the comics led to the creation of and further interlinking with trading cards, a TV series, films, and, eventually, various merchandise featuring popular Pokémon characters. Within this multiple product, multimedia business, Pokémon constantly reinvented itself. For example, for the creation of the comics and the TV cartoon, Pippii and Pikachi were chosen as the main Pokémon characters, respectively. Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract younger and female viewers as well as their mothers, Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. the pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate pet to child viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is Winnie the Pooh (Kubo 2000a; 2000b). &lt;br&gt; As we can see in the case of the emergence of Pikachu as the key character, the development of the Pokémon supersystem was achieved through trial and error in the Japanese market. But once the components of the supersystem were put together in Japan, they could be used systematically to introduce Pokémon in global markets. The overseas promotion of Pokémon was forged from the outset by a subtly packaged amalgamation of cartoons, comics, trading cards, feature films, character merchandise, and Game Boy games.
** ibid, pp.63-64

* Although the Pokémon animation series and its Game Boy game were not created primarily for the global market, their domestic success quickly convinced producers of Pokémon's potential to succeed overseas. Kubo Masakazu explains that he and the other producers of the television series believed that Pokémon would be relatively easy to localize for a global market because &quot;the setting of the adventure explored by Satoshi and Pikachu looks ''mukokuseki'' and [[religion]]-free. It appeared easy to produce international versions by erasing Japanese language signs as much as possible&quot; (2000b:345).
** Ibid, p.68

[[Category:Pokémon| ]]
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      <text bytes="9759" sha1="hufqs2f3d8sq43s421efoojebfek8y6" xml:space="preserve">{{Pokémon header}}
[[File:Wikiball.svg|thumb|200px|Places to catch [[insects]] are rare because of [[urbanization]]. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game. ~ [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]]]]
[[File:ANA Boeing 747-481 (JA8962) in Pokémon livery.jpg|thumb|200px|Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract [[younger]] and [[female]] viewers as well as their [[mothers]], Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. The pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate [[pet]] to [[child]] viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is [[Winnie the Pooh]]. ~ Joseph Tobin]] The most popular legendary Pokémon is very special and it’s name is Diddy
'''[[w:Pokémon|Pokémon]]''' may refer to:

==''About {{PAGENAME}}''==
[https://www.superxanime.co/2020/07/pokemon-2019-all-episodes-english-subbed.html *'''TIME''': So you were collecting Pokémon a long time ago! Did you make the insects fight against each other?]
:'''Tajiri''': No, but sometimes they would eat each other.
:'''TIME''': Did you get the idea for Pokémon from these insects?
:'''Tajiri''': Yes. Places to catch insects are rare because of urbanization. Kids play inside their homes now, and a lot had forgotten about catching insects. So had I. When I was making games, something clicked and I decided to make a game with that concept. Everything I did as a kid is kind of rolled into one--that's what Pokémon is. Playing [[video game]]s, watching [[TV]], [[Ultraman]] with his capsule monsters--they all became ingredients for the game.
:* [[w:Satoshi Tajiri|Satoshi Tajiri]], [https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2040095,00.html &quot;The Ultimate Game Freak&quot;], ''TIME'', (Nov. 22, 1999).

* Kamo Yoshinori (2000), a U.S.-based sociologist, observes that American children who love Pokémon believe that Japan is a very cool nation that produces wonderful characters, imaginary worlds, and commodities. He sees in Pokémon's success a very hopeful sign that American audiences are becoming more open to Japanese cultural values and that they are changing their image of Japan from a land that is strange and workaholic to someplace that is humane and cool. Sakurai Tetsuo (2001) also reads the success of Pokémon as a sign of hopefulness in what was otherwise a decade in Japan dominated by negative occurrences. According to Sakurai, in just a couple of years Pokémon has done more for Japan's image than was accomplished up till now by Japanese literature and films or by the Japanese government's public relations initiatives abroad. Sakurai, too, describes Pokémon's global appeal in terms of it being &quot;cool.&quot; 
** Joseph Tobin, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Pikachu_s_Global_Adventure.html?id=y3z0WzvUDqYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Pikachu's Global Adventure: The Rise and Fall of Pokémon&quot;]. ''Duke University Press'', (2004).

*…some critics argue that Pokémon's influence on the global cultural scene is in fact quite trivial when compared to such Western popular cultural products as [[The Beatles|the Beatles]] or [[rap]] [[music]]. These critics find Pokémon's message too superficial to count as a meaningful cultural export (e.g., ''Newsweek Japan'', 8 December 1999:50-51). However, this kind of comparison is also fruitless and even fallacious as it implies that American/Western popular culture continues to present the rest of the world with influential messages, ideas, and lifestyles that have the power to impact world politics and to launch social movements, just as it used to do. A more productive way of making sense of the symbolic power of Japanese [[animation]] and [[computer games]] is to look at the issue of transnational cultural hegemony and power in a different light, rather than from a conventional Americanization perspective. The age of Americanization, in which crosscultural consumption was predominantly discussed in terms of the influence of a single dominant country, is, if not over, at least coming to an end (cf. Tomlinson 1991). I would suggest that we use the rise of Japanese cultural exports as an opportunity to reconsider the meaning of transnational [[cultural]] [[power]]. The international popularity of Japanese anime and computer games as exemplified in the Pokémon craze provides us with some clues we can use to discern emerging trends in the global circulation of characters, culture, and products. &lt;br&gt; Pokémon's global success is indeed unprecedented. However, it would be misleading to think that the factors that contributed to this success are unique to Pokémon. I would suggest instead that Pokémon is the product that to date has most efficiently capitalized on emerging marketing trends. Animation and computer game characters are playing an increasingly significant role in the multimedia business. Computer game characters are intertextual, and can be used in a variety of media such as movies, TV series, comics, toys and associated merchandise. Marsha Kinder (1991) describes the multiple possibilities of transmedia intertextuality as representing a &quot;supersystem of entertainment&quot; that has come to be a dominant force in the global entertainment business. In Japan, media industry leaders decided that computer games and animation would be the main features of such a supersystem. Together with the global success of Japanese computer game software such as Super Mario Brothers, the realization, since the recent recession, of declining strength in the Japanese manufacturing-oriented economy has convinced many Japanese companies to invest in the development of animated and digitalized multimedia products.
** ibid, pp. 62-63.

* Pokémon exemplifies how the supersystem works. Pokémon was first created as Game Boy software. It then almost simultaneously appeared as a serial comic in ''Koro Koro'', a monthly comic magazine targeted to boys, as a part of an overall marketing strategy. The positive reception of the computer game and the comics led to the creation of and further interlinking with trading cards, a TV series, films, and, eventually, various merchandise featuring popular Pokémon characters. Within this multiple product, multimedia business, Pokémon constantly reinvented itself. For example, for the creation of the comics and the TV cartoon, Pippii and Pikachi were chosen as the main Pokémon characters, respectively. Neither Pippi nor Pikachu was a main character in the original Game Boy software. (Pippi (in English, Clefairy) was selected as the main Pokémon character to make the comic book series more &quot;engaging.&quot; However, in order to attract younger and female viewers as well as their mothers, Pikachu replaced Pippi as the central character when the Pokémon TV series was introduced in 1997. the pink Pippi was replaced by the yellow cuddlier Pikachu, whom the producers believed would seem like a more familiar and intimate pet to child viewers. There were other reasons as well for the producers' choice of yellow. Because yellow is one of the three basic colors, it is easy for children to recognize Pikachu even from a distance. Furthermore, the only competing yellow character is Winnie the Pooh (Kubo 2000a; 2000b). &lt;br&gt; As we can see in the case of the emergence of Pikachu as the key character, the development of the Pokémon supersystem was achieved through trial and error in the Japanese market. But once the components of the supersystem were put together in Japan, they could be used systematically to introduce Pokémon in global markets. The overseas promotion of Pokémon was forged from the outset by a subtly packaged amalgamation of cartoons, comics, trading cards, feature films, character merchandise, and Game Boy games.
** ibid, pp.63-64

* Although the Pokémon animation series and its Game Boy game were not created primarily for the global market, their domestic success quickly convinced producers of Pokémon's potential to succeed overseas. Kubo Masakazu explains that he and the other producers of the television series believed that Pokémon would be relatively easy to localize for a global market because &quot;the setting of the adventure explored by Satoshi and Pikachu looks ''mukokuseki'' and [[religion]]-free. It appeared easy to produce international versions by erasing Japanese language signs as much as possible&quot; (2000b:345).
** Ibid, p.68

[[Category:Pokémon| ]]
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  <page>
    <title>Mighty Morphin Power Rangers</title>
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''[[w:Mighty Morphin Power Rangers|Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]]'' (1993–1996) by [[w:Haim Saban|Haim Saban]].

&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 1 (1993-1994)|Season 1]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 2 (1994-1995)|Season 2]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 3 (1995-1996)|Season 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Day of the Dumpster|Day of the Dumpster]]
| align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 1|The Mutiny, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 1|A Friend in Need, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#High Five|High Five]]
| align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 2|The Mutiny, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 2|A Friend in Need, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Teamwork|Teamwork]]
| align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 3|The Mutiny, Part 3]]
| align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 3|A Friend in Need, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#A Pressing Engagement|A Pressing Engagement]]
| align=center | [[#The Wanna-Be Ranger|The Wanna-Be Ranger]]
| align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 1|Ninja Quest, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Different Drum|Different Drum]]
| align=center | [[#Putty on the Brain|Putty on the Brain]]
| align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 2|Ninja Quest, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Food Fight|Food Fight]]
| align=center | [[#Bloom of Doom|Bloom of Doom]]
| align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 3|Ninja Quest, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#I, Eye Guy|I, Eye Guy]]
| align=center | [[#The Green Dream|The Green Dream]]
| align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 4|Ninja Quest, Part 4]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Power Ranger Punks|Power Ranger Punks]]
| align=center | [[#The Power Stealer|The Power Stealer]]
| align=center | [[#A Brush with Destiny|A Brush with Destiny]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Peace, Love, and Woe|Peace, Love, and Woe]]
| align=center | [[#The Beetle Invasion|The Beetle Invasion]]
| align=center | [[#Passing the Lantern|Passing the Lantern]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Foul Play in the Sky|Foul Play in the Sky]]
| align=center | [[#Welcome to Venus Island|Welcome to Venus Island]]
| align=center | [[#Wizard for a Day|Wizard for a Day]]
|-
| align=center | [[#For Whom the Bell Trolls|For Whom the Bell Trolls]]
| align=center | [[#The Song of Guitardo|The Song of Guitardo]]
| align=center | [[#Fourth Down and Long|Fourth Down and Long]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Happy Birthday, Zack|Happy Birthday, Zack]]
| align=center | [[#Green No More, Part 1|Green No More, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Final Face-Off|Final Face-Off]]
|-
| align=center | [[#No Clowning Around|No Clowning Around]]
| align=center | [[#Green No More, Part 2|Green No More, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Stop the Hate Master, Part 1|Stop the Hate Master, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Dark Warrior|Dark Warrior]]
| align=center | [[#Missing Green|Missing Green]]
| align=center | [[#Stop the Hate Master, Part 2|Stop the Hate Master, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Switching Places|Switching Places]]
| align=center | [[#Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park|Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park]]
| align=center | [[#The Potion Notion|The Potion Notion]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Big Sisters|Big Sisters]]
| align=center | [[#Beauty and the Beast|Beauty and the Beast]]
| align=center | [[#A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1|A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control|Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control]]
| align=center | [[#White Light, Part 1|White Light, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2|A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle|Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle]]
| align=center | [[#White Light, Part 2|White Light, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 1|Changing of the Zords, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue|Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue]]
| align=center | [[#Two for One|Two for One]]
| align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 2|Changing of the Zords, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord|Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord]]
| align=center | [[#Opposites Attract|Opposites Attract]]
| align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 3|Changing of the Zords, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell|Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell]]
| align=center | [[#Zedd's Monster Mash|Zedd's Monster Mash]]
| align=center | [[#Follow That Cab!|Follow That Cab!]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Trouble with Shellshock|The Trouble with Shellshock]]
| align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 1|The Ninja Encounter, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Itsy Bitsy Spider|Itsy Bitsy Spider]]
| align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 2|The Ninja Encounter, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Spit Flower|The Spit Flower]]
| align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 3|The Ninja Encounter, Part 3]]
| align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Life's a Masquerade|Life's a Masquerade]]
| align=center | [[#Zedd Waves|Zedd Waves]]
| align=center | [[#I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger|I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Gung Ho!|Gung Ho!]]
| align=center | [[#A Monster of Global Proportions|A Monster of Global Proportions]]
| align=center | [[#Rita's Pita|Rita's Pita]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Wheel of Misfortune|Wheel of Misfortune]]
| align=center | [[#The Power Transfer, Part 1|The Power Transfer, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#A Chimp in Charge|A Chimp in Charge]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Island of Illusion, Part 1|Island of Illusion, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#The Power Transfer, Part 2|The Power Transfer, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Island of Illusion, Part 2|Island of Illusion, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Goldar's Vice-Versa|Goldar's Vice-Versa]]
| align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Rockstar|The Rockstar]]
| align=center | [[#Mirror of Regret|Mirror of Regret]]
| align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Calamity Kimberly|Calamity Kimberly]]
| align=center | [[#When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?|When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?]]
| align=center | [[#The Sound of Dischordia|The Sound of Dischordia]]
|-
| align=center | [[#A Star is Born|A Star is Born]]
| align=center | [[#Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun|Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun]]
| align=center | [[#Rangers in Reverse|Rangers in Reverse]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Yolk's on You!|The Yolk's on You!]]
| align=center | [[#Lights, Camera, Action|Lights, Camera, Action]]
| align=center | [[#Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1|Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Green Candle, Part 1|The Green Candle, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Where There's Smoke, There's Fire|Where There's Smoke, There's Fire]]
| align=center | [[#Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2|Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Green Candle, Part 2|The Green Candle, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Scavenger Hunt|Scavenger Hunt]]
| align=center | [[#Climb Every Fountain|Climb Every Fountain]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Birds of a Feather|Birds of a Feather]]
| align=center | [[#The Great Bookala Escape|The Great Bookala Escape]]
| align=center | [[#The Alien Trap|The Alien Trap]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Clean-Up Club|Clean-Up Club]]
| align=center | [[#Forever Friends|Forever Friends]]
| align=center | [[#Attack of the 60' Bulk|Attack of the 60' Bulk]]
|-
| align=center | [[#A Bad Reflection on You|A Bad Reflection on You]]
| align=center | [[#A Reel Fish Story|A Reel Fish Story]]
| align=center | [[#Water You Thinking?|Water You Thinking?]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Doomsday, Part 1|Doomsday, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Rangers Back in Time, Part 1|Rangers Back in Time, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Along Came a Spider|Along Came a Spider]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Doomsday, Part 2|Doomsday, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Rangers Back in Time, Part 2|Rangers Back in Time, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Sowing the Seas of Evil|Sowing the Seas of Evil]]
|-
| align=center | [[#A Pig Surprise|A Pig Surprise]]
| align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 1|The Wedding, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Hogday Afternoon, Part 1|Hogday Afternoon, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Lions and Blizzards|Lions and Blizzards]]
| align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 2|The Wedding, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Hogday Afternoon, Part 2|Hogday Afternoon, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Rita's Seed of Evil|Rita's Seed of Evil]]
| align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 3|The Wedding, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Crystal of Nightmares|Crystal of Nightmares]]
| align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Something Fishy|Something Fishy]]
| align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#To Flea or Not to Flee|To Flea or Not to Flee]]
| align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Reign of the Jellyfish|Reign of the Jellyfish]]
| align=center | [[#Best Man for the Job|Best Man for the Job]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Plague of the Mantis|Plague of the Mantis]]
| align=center | [[#Storybook Rangers, Part 1|Storybook Rangers, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Return of an Old Friend, Part 1|Return of an Old Friend, Part 1]]
| align=center | [[#Storybook Rangers, Part 2|Storybook Rangers, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Return of an Old Friend, Part 2|Return of an Old Friend, Part 2]]
| align=center | [[#Wild West Rangers, Part 1|Wild West Rangers, Part 1]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Grumble Bee|Grumble Bee]]
| align=center | [[#Wild West Rangers, Part 2|Wild West Rangers, Part 2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Two Heads are Better Than One|Two Heads are Better Than One]]
| align=center | [[#Blue Ranger Gone Bad|Blue Ranger Gone Bad]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Fowl Play|Fowl Play]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Enter... the Lizzinator|Enter... the Lizzinator]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Trick or Treat|Trick or Treat]]
|-
| align=center | [[#On Fins and Needles|On Fins and Needles]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Second Chance|Second Chance]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Football Season|Football Season]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Mighty Morphin' Mutants|Mighty Morphin' Mutants]]
|-
| align=center | [[#An Oyster Stew|An Oyster Stew]]
|-
|}&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

__NOTOC__
==Season 1 (1993-1994)==

===Day of the Dumpster===
:'''Kimberly''': You guys should definitely join Jason's karate class.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squat:''' Uh-oh!  Morning breath!  Let me give you a mint!
:'''Finster''': Oh, it's good to be free after 10,000 years.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[to fleeing astronauts]''
:'''Rita''': Don't leave! You'll miss my coming-out party. That's when I destroy the nearest planet!
:''[the nearest planet happens to be... Earth]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Alpha''': Danger! Danger! It's the big one! I know it! We'll all be destroyed!
:'''Zordon''': Calm down, Alpha! It's Rita. She's escaped, and she's attacking the planet.
:'''Alpha''': Ay-yi-yi! What do we do?!
:'''Zordon''': Teleport to us five overbearing and over-emotional humans. 
:'''Alpha''': No! Not that! Not teenagers!
:'''Zordon''': That's correct, Alpha.
:'''Alpha''': I was afraid of that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kimberly:''' This isn't exactly the mall, is it?
:'''Billy:''' This place is magnificent!
:'''Zack:''' I don't get it.  How did we end up here?
:'''Trini:''' I just want to know where ''here'' is.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[sees Alpha]'' A fully sentient, multifunctional automaton. I've never seen anything like it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zordon:''' It's quite simple, my dear.  This planet is under attack, and I have brought you here to save it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Mastodon!
:'''Kimberly''': Pterodactyl!
:'''Billy''': Triceratops!
:'''Trini''': Saber-Toothed Tiger!
:'''Jason''': Tyrannosaurus!
:'''All 5''': Power Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jason:''' Look at him; that dude's HUGE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jason''': Back off, fang-face!
:'''Zack''': The good guys are here!
:'''Billy''': Get off our planet!
:'''Trini''': 'Cause we're the Power Rangers!
:'''Kimberly''': And we're not backin' down!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Goldar''': You and your weapons are no match for me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Goldar, you failed!
:'''Goldar''': It won't happen again, empress!
:'''Rita''': Shut up! I've got a headache!

===High Five===
:'''Kimberly:''' Yeah, Bulk; you sure showed us this time!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bones''': I am Bones! At your service. ''[removes his head]''
:'''Finster''': Hmm. Perhaps I should have set the machine on low.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jason:''' Form a human chain!  NOW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bones''': ''[removes his head]'' Here! Let me help you get &quot;a-head&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': *moans* I've got such a headache! Somebody bring me an aspirin!

===Teamwork===
:'''Mr. Caplan''': Look at this place! Why it hasn't been cleaned up yet?! You there! I want to talk to you!

===A Pressing Engagement===
:'''King Sphinx''': You're nothing without your friends. Why don't you just give up?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Red Ranger''': Megazord armed and ready!
:'''Goldar''': Uh-oh!
:'''King Sphinx''': Uh-oh!
:'''Rita''': Huh? Uh-oh.

===Different Drum===
:'''Rita''': Finster! Oh, Finster!
:'''Finster''': Yes, O nasty one. I'm working on a marvelous monster that eats cars and smells like a fish.
:'''Rita''': Never mind that! Make me a musical monster that will mesmerize those pathetic Power Rangers and bring them to their knees! Like the Pied Piper, only meaner.
:'''Finster''': Oh, my queen, that idea is absolute brilliance! However, musical monsters aren't very reliable. Wouldn't you rather have a nice fire-breathing hedgehog instead?
:'''Rita''': NO! Either get my monster, or I'll turn you into a Sippean slug!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Well, do you have my monster yet? The waiting is putting a strain on my natural beauty.
:'''Finster''': Yes. I call it the Gnarly Gnome. He's a wonderfully ugly creature who plays a hypnotic accordion. The plan is to hypnotize a few kids and hold them. When the Power Rangers show up to the rescue, he'll use the music to put them in your power.
:'''Rita''': Okay. Let's get 'em!

===Food Fight===
:''[Skull is about to eat part of a cream pie meant for a food fight]''
:'''Bulk''': We're not going to eat them, numb-Skull. We're going to throw them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': ''[after Pudgy Pig's destruction]'' You nincompoop! Your monster was worthless!
:'''Finster''': But I warned you he wasn't my best work!
:'''Baboo''': This is all your fault!
:'''Squatt''': My fault?!
:'''Baboo''': I don't know how, but ya always mess everything up! Ya do!
:'''Finster''': Now, now, my queen, please don't yell at me and turn me into a toad or something! Please, my queen! I beg you!
:'''Baboo''': ''[intimidated by Rita's fury]'' I'm sensing a bit of dissatisfaction.
:'''Rita''': I'm feeling sick again, and it's all your fault! ''[to Squatt and Baboo]'' And as for you two, SHUT UP!  ''[to herself]'' How can anyone conquer the world with these nitwits?!

===I, Eye Guy===
:'''Eye Guy''': I spy some Power Rangers!

===Power Ranger Punks===
:'''Billy''': Where's your lunch money, kid?
:'''Kimberly''': Yeah, Give it up!
:'''Kid''': I don't have any!
:'''Billy''': You're worthless.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kimberly''': Baboo?!
:'''Baboo''': In the flesh. And I got you, didn't I?
:'''Terror Toad''': Four down, and only one to go!
:'''Baboo''': Well, then, let's get her!

===Peace, Love, and Woe===
:'''Ernie''': ''[to Bulk and Skull after the cake accident]'' You boys better follow the rules, and pay for the cake, or just don't come back!

===Foul Play in the Sky===
:'''Skull''': Hey Bulk, are you afraid of flying?
:'''Bulk''': Nah. I'm afraid of crashing.

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:''[on the plane, Bulk and Skull wake up]''
:'''Skull''': Oh, look. Kimberly's flying the plane.
:''[Bulk and Skull suddenly react]''
:'''Bulk and Skull''': SHE'S FLYING THE PLANE?!?! ''[scream]''

&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Skull''': I've got the mind of a pilot.
:'''Bulk''': Yeah? How'd ya figure that?
:'''Skull''': Because Mr. Caplan always says that I'm an airhead!

===For Whom the Bell Trolls===
:'''Rita''': To Earth you'll go
:with your bottle in tow,
:and when I say obey,
:you'll do as I say!

===Happy Birthday, Zack===
:''[Billy notices Trini drawing]''
:'''Billy''': Her mastery of complex illustrated characters is most impressive.
:''[Jason gives Kimberly a puzzled look]''
:'''Jason''' What did he say?
:'''Kimberly''': Don't look at me. I don't speak Billy.
:'''Trini''': He says I draw a good cartoon. Thanks, Billy.

===No Clowning Around===
:'''Rita''': Finster?! Finster! That fake carnival is working. The Power Pipsqueaks are falling for it! It's almost time for phase 2. Now, what about the clown? Is he ready? I don't want any mistakes.
:'''Finster''': Oh, yes, my queen. I trained him myself. First, he'll use his magic power to turn the Power Rangers one by one into cardboard cut-outs. Then he'll transform into a horrible Pineoctopus, and terrorize the city!
:'''Rita''': Excellent! Have him use that brat Sylvia as bait to get the rest of them.
:''(she is about to leave, then turns to Finster for another warning)''
:'''Rita''': Finster, don't blow it this time! ''(leaves)''
:'''Finster''': Yes, oh, hideous one, of course, of course, of course! Whew.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatt''': ''[looks through the telescope]'' Uh-oh! Hey! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Take a look! Come here, Baboo! Ooh, look at this!
:''[Baboo looks through the telescope as Rita enters]''
:'''Baboo''': Oh, nasty one, that clown hasn't gotten the Power Geeks alone yet!
:'''Rita''': Is he waiting for an invitation?! ''[slaps the balcony]'' GET THE POWER GEEKS!!
:'''Squatt''': Whoa! Pineapple's making his move! I love it when a plan comes together!
:'''Squatt and Baboo''': ''[chant]'' Get those Power Geeks! Get those Power Geeks!
:'''Rita''': Oh, yeah!

===Switching Places===
:'''Zack''': He got our servo power circuits!
:'''Jason''': You're right! ''[to Kimberly/Billy]'' Billy, you've got to rewire those servos to bypass the damage and tap into the power morphing system. We gotta get us more power before we get totaled!!
:'''Kimberly/Billy''': I'll try!
:'''Jason''': ''[to Billy/Kimberly and Trini]'' Kimberly, Trini, he'll need help! 
:'''Kimberly/Billy &amp; Trini''': Right!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Skull/Bulk''': Scarfing time!
:'''Bulk/Skull''': Yeah, scarfing time.
:'''Skull/Bulk''': ''[looking at Bulk/Skull who's hovering over Skull/Bulk's sub]'' You're breathing on my food! We gotta do something, We gotta find that Billy geek! Oh, right after I've finished my spaghetti and meatballs.
:'''Bulk/Skull''': Yeah! Spaghetti and meatballs! ''[laughs]''

===Big Sisters===
:'''Chunky Chicken''': Getting that kid to open the box is almost too easy. Rita's gonna be pleased!

===Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control===
:'''Green Ranger''': To the fall of the Power Rangers! I'll destroy you one and all!

===Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle===
:'''Goldar''': You know, Jason, if you had your Power Morpher, you could get out of here.
:'''Jason''': What's your point?
:''[Goldar drops the Morpher to the ground]''
:'''Goldar''': Come and get it, if you're brave enough.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Goldar''': Rita has given you to me as a reward for my faithful service to her, like tossing some meat to a hungry lion.

===Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue===
:'''Jason''': You wear a Green Ranger costume, yet your loyalty is with Rita.
:'''Green Ranger''': I am her Green Ranger, and she is my empress.
:'''Jason''': She's evil.
:'''Green Ranger''': Yeah, and so am I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason''': So, Goldar, how does it feel to be outsmarted by a human being?
:'''Goldar''': No human's ever defeated Goldar!
:'''Jason''': Well, I'm gonna change that!

===Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord===
:''[during Goldar's rampage on the city, people exit the Youth Center, but just as Skull is about to leave, Bulk stops him]''
:'''Bulk''': Sit down!
:'''Skull''': But, Bulk, the building's about to fall down!
:'''Bulk''': I'm not finished with my ice cream yet.
:''[suddenly, something falls from the ceiling in front of the duo, and Bulk quickly eats the rest of his ice cream]''
:'''Bulk''': Now, I'm finished!
:''[he and Skull hurry out of the Youth Center]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Rangers watch as the defeated Megazord sinks into a lava pit Zord by Zord]''
:'''Jason''': Our Zords!
:'''Kimberly''': They're totaled!
:'''Zack''': I can't believe it! It's like Rita destroyed a part of us.
:'''Billy''': They were always there for us when we needed them.
:'''Trini''': Now they're gone, just when we need them most.

===Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell===
:'''Alpha''': Oh, Rita will rule the world! She'll enslave mankind! She'll destroy the Command Center again! She'll---
:'''Zack''': Okay. Okay, Alpha! You've made your point.
:'''Alpha''': ''[calmly]'' Then you'll reconsider?
:''[the Rangers agree]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kimberly:''' Dream on, Bulk!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jason:''' Tommy, we need you!  It's where you belong!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Alpha:''' Oh, look, Zordon!
:'''Zordon:''' You are watching history in the making, Alpha.  Finally, the ancient prophecy has been fulfilled!  The Sixth Ranger is now one of us!
:'''Alpha:''' Hooray!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Red Ranger''': We're back, and we're ready to morph into action!
:'''Green Ranger''': Six working together to fight evil!
:'''Black Ranger''': And stop Rita!
:'''Blue Ranger''': And all her menacing monsters!
:'''Yellow Ranger''': From destroying our planet Earth!
:'''Pink Ranger''': And ruining the universe with evil!
:'''Red Ranger''': Look out Rita, we're not backing down! 'Cause we're the...
:'''All six Rangers''': Power Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zordon:''' Rangers, I give you Dragonzord in fighting mode!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Goldar:''' I will avenge you, my queen!  I promise you Zordon and his Power Rangers will be made to pay!

===The Trouble with Shellshock===
:'''Zack''': ''[prepares to make a basket in basketball]'' Now, it's time for my Slamma-Jamma-Double-Whamma-Hip-Hoppit-'Cause-ya-Can't-Stop-it-Big-Disgrace-'Cause-it's-in-Your-Face long-shot!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shellshock:''' Wait till those teenage mutants see what a full-grown turtle can do!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita:''' ''[to Baloo and Squatt]'' Those little twerps have done it again!  You told me that monster was invincible!  YOU DUNCES!  I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD EXAMINED FOR BELIEVING YOU!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita:''' ''[to Baloo and Squatt]'' YOU DON'T KNOW THE TIME OF DAY!  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IT IS!  WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO CREATE A MONSTER?  ''[to herself, as if she is talking to the Rangers]'' I'M WARNING YOU, POWER RANGERS; RITA'S GOING TO GET YOU YET!  ''[to herself again]'' I've got a headache!

===Itsy Bitsy Spider===
:'''Bulk''': ''[about Billy's lab mouse]'' Oh look, the geek's got a new mascot!
:'''Skull''': Right! A new mascot.
:'''Zack''': Well, he's smarter than some humans I know.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zack''': (sees the sleeping-powdered butterflies go after him) Aw man. Why'd it have to be bugs? If they catch me it's gonna be Rip Van Winkle time! ''[runs off]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zack''': ''[to Spidertron]'' You've messed with my friends, and now I'm gonna mess with you! Time for you to learn what Mastodon power is all about. Let's see how you like my deep freeze!

===The Spit Flower===
:''[Kimberly looks at her model for the parade, completely damaged in the fight with the Putties]''
:'''Kim''': ''[tearfully]'' Look at my model.
:'''Zack''': Man. They really demolished it.
:'''Kim''': Without this model, they can't build the full-sized float. Now it won't be able to be in the parade.
:'''Trini''': Oh, Kim, cheer up. There'll be other parades you can design floats for.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but Rita will probably wreck them, too.
:'''Billy''': Well, perhaps we can simply reconstruct it.
:'''Kim''': All that time and effort for nothing.
:'''Tommy''': We can help you build a new one.
:'''Trini''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': There's no way we can get more flowers in time. The model's due today.
:''[she walks up to the Juice Bar counter]''
:'''Jason''': This Rita's a real witch.

===Life's a Masquerade===
:'''Billy''': ''[about to morph and fight Frankenstein]'' It's time for molecular transmutation!

===Gung Ho!===
:'''Bulk''': Hi, losers!
:'''Skull''': Yeah! Losers!

===Wheel of Misfortune===
:'''Kimberly''': Bulk, be careful! You're such a clod.
:'''Bulk''': She's makin' me mess up my lines!
:''[he spins the spinning wheel at hyperspeed]''
:'''Kimberly''': Bulk? Not so fast!
:''[the high speed of the wheel blows off Mr. Kaplan's toupee; Bulk guffaws at it; the wheel suddenly breaks]''
:'''Kimberly''': HEY!!
:''[she looks at the busted wheel]''
:'''Kimberly''': Oh, no! You ruined my grandmother's spinning wheel!!! What is she gonna say?!
:'''Mr. Kaplan''': Honestly, Bulk. Come on, kids. Let's take a break before somethin' ''else'' gets broken.
:'''Bulk''': Don't get so bent outta shape, Kimberly!
:'''Kimberly''': This happens to be ''very'' important to me.
:''[she sets off in a huff]''

===Island of Illusion, Part 1===
:'''Tommy''': What's the matter, Zack?
:'''Zack''': That's the matter! That huge snake! Well, can't you see it? Can't you see it!? 
:'''Jason''': What snake?!
:'''Zack''': It's gonna bite me!
:'''Kimberly''':  There's nothing there, Zack!
:'''Trini''': Zack, there is no snake!
:'''Zack''': I hate snakes! I HATE SNAKES!!

===Island of Illusion, Part 2===
:'''Zack''': Hey, man, thanks. Thanks for the pep talk.
:'''Quagmire''': My pleasure. And welcome back. But the key was there inside you, Zack.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Zack's fellow Ranger teens are impressed by his moves in the dance competition]''
:'''Jason''': Stylin' tunes.
:'''Kim''': I know. Who's the D.J.?
:''[to their surprise, the D.J. is none other than an old friend from the island]''
:'''Kim''': Look, you guys! It's Quasimodo!
:'''Trini''': ''[laughs]'' Quagmire.

===The Rockstar===
:'''Squatt''': So, what's the plan, your evilness?
:'''Rita''': To find the Mirror of Destruction.
:'''Squatt''': The one that can destroy even Super Putties?
:'''Rita''': Yes, into a million pieces!
:'''Baboo''': That mirror's power will destroy anything reflected in it. Just one look at it, and those Rangers are history! We have to find it first!
:'''Rita''': We'll start today. It's hidden on Earth.

===Calamity Kimberly===
:'''Billy''': Zordon, how do we battle this evil monster?
:'''Trini''': And how are we gonna get Kimberly out of that jar?
:'''Zordon''': Use your Zords, and you can defeat him. When the Fan Man is defeated, Kimberly will be free.
:'''Trini''': But we need Tommy's help.
:'''Jason''': And the power of the Dragonzord.
:'''Zack''': He still doesn't look any better.
:'''Jason''': Where are the creeps that did this to Tommy?!
:'''Billy''': And trapped Kimberly?
:'''Zordon''': My sensors have tracked them to the Putty Bowl Restaurant. Observe.
:''[the 4 Rangers turn to the Viewing Globe and notice Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo having lunch with the Fan Man at said restaurant]''
:'''Squatt''': The dimension in the jar will disappear any minute, and so will Kimberly.
:'''Baboo''': ''[uncorks the jar]'' And then, we'll make the other Power Rangers disappear. ''[peeks in the jar]'' Gettin' hungry, Kimberly?
:'''Kimberly''': Let me go! Please! Let me go!
:'''Alpha''': Poor Kimberly.
:'''Jason''': We're outta here!

===A Star is Born===
:'''Bulk''': ''[after Skull accidentally spills lotion on him]'' You airhead! I wanna get a tan. Not a bath.

===The Yolk's on You!===
:''[Fang catches Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo eating his eggs]''
:'''Fang''': How could you?!
:'''Squatt''': What do you mean?
:'''Fang''': You ate my gooney bird eggs! You know how hard it is to find these?! You can't just walk into a store and buy these, you know! I was going to have these eggs for lunch!
:'''Squatt''': Really? They were good.
:'''Fang''': Were good?! ''[growls with rage]'' I'm going to tear you apart!

===The Green Candle, Part 1===
:'''Bulk''': Roses are red, violets are blue, no girl in the world's gonna go out with you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tommy''': ''[to Bulk and Skull]'' Roses are red.
:'''Zack''': Violets are blue.
:'''Tommy and Zack''': We sure can learn something from you. NOT!

===The Green Candle, Part 2===
:'''Zack''': Jason, you gotta come back. Tommy's in big trouble.
:'''Goldar''': You're ''all'' in trouble now!
:'''Jason''': But if I don't get the candle in time, he'll lose his powers.
:'''Zack''': If we don't get to him in time, he'll lose his life!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': BURN, CANDLE! BURN!
:'''Tommy''': No! You can't take my powers, Rita! I'm the Green Ranger!

===Birds of a Feather===
:'''Bulk''': Why didn't you use the secret weapon move I showed you?!
:'''Biff''': What you mean, this one?!
:''(He kicks Bulk in the shins)''
:'''Biff''': I'm getting a new coach!

===Clean-Up Club===
:'''Bulk''': Hey, Ernie, you wanna film us workin' out?
:'''Ernie''': You two? Workin' out?
:'''Bulk''': Just run the camera, okay?
:''[he hands Ernie the camcorder]''
:'''Ernie''': Oh, this oughta be fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bulk''': ''[after hitting the collected recyclables]'' I think, whenever possible, everything should be recycled!
:''[he crushes a can with his bare hands and faints]''

===A Bad Reflection on You===
:''[the Rangers are cornered by the Twin Man]''
:'''Jason''': Man! This guy's gettin' on my nerves!
:'''Kim''': And to think I always liked mirrors.

===Doomsday, Part 1===
:'''Kim''': Mayor Carrington hopes that the mysterious superheroes will make a public appearance in Angel Grove Park, where countless fans will be gathered to celebrate them. I have a feeling the Power Rangers will show up... Don't you?
:'''Jason''': I wouldn't be surprised.

===Doomsday, Part 2===
:'''Goldar''': Greetings, Power Rangers! I thought I'd drop by and say hello! (laughs) Before I say goodbye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zordon:''' Congratulations, Power Rangers. Victory is yours. You have gone far beyond the call of duty, and saved your world from a terrible fate. The world is very lucky to have you, and so am I.

===A Pig Surprise===
:'''Pudgy Pig''': ''[to another pig]'' Come with me to the pigsty!

===Lions and Blizzards===
:'''Alpha''': Ah, another happy ending.
:'''Zack''': Oh, no!
:'''Trini''': Zack, what's wrong?
:'''Zack''': Speakin' of happy endings, I left Angela sittin' back at the theater! If I don't get back before the curtain goes down, it's gonna be curtains for me. I'm outta here. See ya. 
:''[he teleports out; all of the other teenagers laugh afterwards]''

===Rita's Seed of Evil===
:'''Squatt''': This will make Rita so happy, she'll probably give me that glow-in-the-dark toothpaste I've been wanting.

===Crystal of Nightmares===
:'''Mr. Caplan''': Class, since Miss Appleby is ill today, I thought I would fill in for her so I could deliver these test results personally. ''[hands the Rangers teens their test results]'' Congratulations. All of you got A's.
:'''Kimberly''': Wow! Focusing on our studies really paid off.
:'''Mr. Caplan''': But, you two,... ''[points at Bulk and Skull]'' Get up here. ''[Bulk and Skull do so]'' Read them and weep.
:''[hands Bulk and Skull their test results; Bulk and Skull look at them]''
:'''Skull''': Hey, Bulk! The plan worked! We didn't get D's! No detention!
:'''Bulk''': Will you shut up?
:'''Mr. Caplan''': Do you know what F stands for, gentlemen?
:'''Bulk''': Fun?
:'''Skull''': Far out?
:'''Mr. Caplan''': No! ''[steps up to the chalkboard and writes down the word...]'' &quot;Forever&quot;! Which is how long you're gonna be staying after school in my office!
:'''Bulk''': That was my next guess.
:'''Mr. Caplan''': I'm ''very'' disappointed in you, gentlemen! ''[waves his eraser at Bulk and Skull, causing Bulk to try to stifle a sneeze]'' What's the matter with him?
:'''Skull''': TAKE COVER!
:''[Bulk sneezes so hard, Mr. Caplan's toupee flies off and the students and Skull laugh at Mr. Caplan and Bulk]''

===Something Fishy===
:'''Billy''': ''[has a flashback of his childhood]'' While on an outing, I had attempted to recreate what I'd recently learned about whirlpools. But my moving finger proved to be an enticement to one of the fish below.
:''[in his flashback, a fish bites Billy on the finger with which he created a whirlpool in the pond]''
:'''Billy''': The fish actually bit me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Goofish''': ''[as the Megazord approaches]'' No! I had you finished, kaput, all fished out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bulk''': I thought I told you to buy a big fish, sardine breath!
:'''Skull''': I did. It's the only kind of fish I know.

===To Flea or Not to Flee===
:'''Fighting Flea:''' All right; where is he?  I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!

===Reign of the Jellyfish===
:'''Bulk''': We did it! We finished... the BULKWICH!!
:'''Skull''': Yeah! ''THE BULKWICH!!!''

===Plague of the Mantis===
:'''Rita:''' How cute; she wants to do mantis kung-fu.  ''[to Finster]'' FINSTER!  MAKE ME A MONSTER; I'LL SHOW HER HOW IT'S DONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bulk:''' ''[to Skull]'' Let's go hunt for some bugs!

===Return of an Old Friend, Part 1===
:''[the Rangers have given their Power Coins to Goldar]''
:'''Jason''': So now that you have what you want, Goldar, our Power Coins, give us back our parents!
:'''Goldar''': You fools! Did you really think I'd return them back to you?! What for?! I intend to destroy the world! And now, nothing can stop me!
:''[laughing evilly, he slams the box shut and disappears with it]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kimberly''': All right. So, what do we do now? Goldar has all the Power Coins?
:'''Jason''': Not all of 'em. We still have one.
:''[he shows his fellow Ranger teens that the last remaining coin is the Dragon Coin]''
:'''Tommy''': ''(Enters the Youth Center and looks around to find it empty)'' Where is everybody?

===Return of an Old Friend, Part 2===
:''[after noticing Tommy]''
:'''Rita''': Huh?! What's he doing there?!
:'''Goldar''': There is no way they can bring Green Ranger back! Impossible!
:'''Rita''': He's lost his power, Goldar!
:'''Squatt''': That's right! Thanks to Rita.
:'''Baboo''': Brilliant! Brilliant!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Caplan''': ''[in the midst of the frenzy at Parent's Day]'' Can't you do something about this mess?!
:'''Miss Appleby''': Well, you know what they say: if you can't beat them, join them!
:''[she splats a pie on Mr. Caplan's head beneath his toupee and laughs; Mr. Caplan tastes the pie]''
:'''Mr. Caplan''': Not bad!
:''[he laughs and joins the frenzy]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zack''': Well, you know what they say: you're only as old as you feel.

===Grumble Bee===
:'''Billy''': I don't believe it! A &quot;B&quot;?!

===Two Heads are Better Than One===
:'''Tommy''': Remember, ladies, two heads are better than one.

===Fowl Play===
:''[Zack faces Peckster with 5 balloons on hand]''
:'''Billy''': It's good to see you, Zack. But don't you think this is a bad time for a party?
:'''Zack''': Not if this idea works. Hey, Peckster, betcha can't bust these!
:'''Peckster''': Excellent! Finally a little fun before dinner!
:''[he pecks each of the balloons, but as he pecks the last one, which is a ball in disguise, his beak gets stuck in it]''
:'''Zack''': What's the matter, bird breath? Cat got your tongue? Or is it a ball got your beak?

===Enter... the Lizzinator===
:'''Jason''': What? Putties can drive?
:''[he gets run over by a car driven by a Putty]''
:'''Jason''': Whoa, yup, they can drive!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lizzinator''': Very impressive, Red Ranger, but I have something else in mind we can play.
:'''Jason''': Any game you want!
:'''Lizzinator''': Then how about soccer?
:''[he proceeds to kick a boulder at Jason]''

===Trick or Treat===
:'''Bulk''': Trick or treat...
:'''Skull''': Smell my feet!
:'''Bulk''': It's time to meet...
:'''Skull''': The dude to beat!

===On Fins and Needles===
:'''Tommy''': Hey. Why don't we make this interesting? If I destroy the shark, I take over as leader of the Power Rangers.
:'''Jason''': And if I get it first, you turn in your Power Coin!
:'''Tommy''': Fine!
:'''Jason''': Fine!

===Second Chance===
:'''Ernie:''' No one looks until I'm ready.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jason:''' Why don't you give the kids a second chance?
:'''Ernie:''' If it was up to me, I'd give everybody who didn't make the team a second chance.
:'''Zack:''' Isn't it up to you?
:''[Ernie ponders this for a moment, then gets an idea]''
:'''Ernie:''' That's it, then!  We're going to have a second tryout!

===Football Season===
:'''Red Ranger''': If you think you're gonna mess up our town...
:'''Black Ranger''': Then you're way off-side!
:'''Blue Ranger''': So pack up your ball and go home!
:'''Yellow Ranger''': 'Cause we don't want your on our field!
:'''Pink Ranger''': So punt yourself outta here!
:'''Red Ranger''': Or you'll face the...
:'''All five Rangers''': Power Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rhinoblaster''': Fourth quarter, Ranger, and time's runnin' out!

===Mighty Morphin' Mutants===

:'''Crayfish''': Now we'll show you who the real Rangers are!
:'''Blue Mutant''': I'm after you, Blue!
:'''Yellow Mutant''': Hey, Trini, you wanna play, too?
:'''Black Mutant''': Nice to meet ya, Zack!
:'''Pink Mutant''': Told ya I'd be back!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crayfish''': Let's finish them off, Mutants! Charge!
:''[he and his Mutant Rangers charge at the Zords]''
:'''Rangers''': We need Ultrazord Power now!
:''[Ultrazord is formed]''
:'''Crayfish''': Huh?! Hold it! Pull back! Pull back!

===An Oyster Stew===
:'''Oysterizer''': Your end is near, victory is mine!

==Season 2 (1994-1995)==

===The Mutiny, Part 1===

:'''Zedd''': I am Lord Zedd, emperor of all I see. You have failed to complete the mission assigned to you. ''I'' will now resume command! Prepare the palace for my return!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': ''[as Zedd banishes her into space]'' I'll be back! You haven't seen the last of Rita Repulsa!

===The Mutiny, Part 2===

:''[Four of the Zords have been frozen by Pirantishead.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, perfect.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': But Tyrannosaurus is still on the loose!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': That is all part of my plan. Their own weapon will be their undoing when my monster turns the Tyrannosaurus ''against'' the Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Tommy leaves to join the battle.]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': And may the Power protect them all.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Ho-ho, what fun! Your ''own'' Zords'll finish you off!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Zordon is showing the Thunder Zords to the Rangers, via holograms in the sky.]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, you will control the Red Dragon ThunderZord. His power is fierce and true. Trini, yours shall be the Griffin ThunderZord, swift and accurate. Zack, the Lion ThunderZord will have courage and strength. Billy, your Unicorn ThunderZord has mythological powers and wisdom. Kimberly, the Firebird ThunderZord shall be yours, powerful and agile. When joined together, all shall form the Thunder MegaZord.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': These new Zords are amazing.
:'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Woah... morphinominal.
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Lord Zedd is in for it now.
:''[Kimberly glances over at the solemn-looking Tommy.]''
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Uhm, what about Tommy?
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': It's not yet known whether or not Tommy's powers will remain.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': It's alright, guys. We knew this might happen. I just wish there was something I could do about it.
:''[Tommy looks up at the Thunder Zords.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, carry on, my Pirantishead monster. Destroy Angel Grove. Soon, the whole world will be under my command!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': We gotta morph!
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': I'm with you. There's no telling what that fish is up to next.
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, I understand your concern, and I commend you for it. But without your Zords, you will not be able to defeat this monster, and might be seriously hurt in the process. Angel Grove and the world cannot afford that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now, where are those pathetic Rangers? Ah, perfect. Out in the open. Just where I want them.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': What do you have in mind, Lord Zedd?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''' ''[chuckles]'': Just a little game of Cat and Mouse.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Pirantishead is approaching Bulk and Skull.]''
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Bulk, are we near a river?
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': No... what's the matter with you?
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Behind you... is a fish! A giant fish! ''A humongous fish!''
:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': ''[laughs]'' Hello, boys!
:''[Bulk and Skull scream wildly.]''
:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Going my way?
:''[Pirantishead blasts their four-wheelers, making them spin out of control.]''

===The Mutiny, Part 3===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You are a witness to greatness, Goldar. It is only a matter of time until I hold this world in the palm of my hand, to crush at will. The Power Rangers' efforts are futile. They'll never regain control of their old Zords. Without them, they are nothing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now the time is at hand. The Power Rangers will witness the mass destruction of all they have fought to protect. The first wave of attack will be against those annoying humans called teenagers. After that? Heh. After that, the rest of the world shall easily fall.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''NO!'' This can't be! I will not tolerate being outsmarted by those Power Rangers!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': They've regained control of their Zords.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Not for long. I'll strip the Zords' power and return them to the depths of the Earth from whence they came!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Pirantishead has grown to giant size.]''
:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': I'm hungry!
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Without out Zords, we don't stand a chance.
:''[Pirantishead glances down at the Rangers.]''
:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Ah, lunch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, you must face Pirantishead again. Call for the new Zords when you need them, and they will come. Tommy, your powers are too weak to support a new Zord. I'm sorry.
:''[Tommy drops his head.]''
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': He can still morph, he just can't power a Zord. We'll keep trying to find a way to regenerate Tommy's powers, but right now, you've got to go and save Angel Grove and the world!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[The Rangers summon the Thunder Zords for the first time.]''
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Mastodon, Lion ThunderZord Power!
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Pterodactyl, Firebird ThunderZord Power!
:'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Triceratops, Unicorn ThunderZord Power!
:'''[[w:Trini Kwan|Trini]]''': Saber-Toothed Tiger, Griffin ThunderZord Power!
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Tyrannosaurus, Red Dragon ThunderZord Power!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Now that's more like it. Get 'em, Power Rangers. Reel in that overgrown guppy and send him back where he came from!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[The Thunder MegaZord is formed.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Zordon and his surprises. Well, they're not going to do him any good ''this'' time!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Wow. Those new Zords are amazing.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Yes, they are. But don't be sad. We'll find some way to bring your powers up to full.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': I'll tear you apart with my bare fins!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Power Rangers, prepare to meet your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''NO!'' I don't believe it. This is not the end, by any means. Zordon and his stupid Power Rangers ''shall not prevail again!''
:''[Cut to Finster's laboratory.]''
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Hmph. Well, if he'd used one of my monsters, none of this would've ever happened.
:''[Cut back to the Chamber of Command.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''[roars angrily]'' I was so close to ridding myself of those annoying Power pests, but now, all that is ruined.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': I'm sorry you failed, Excellency.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''I didn't fail, you simpering twit! You failed! You all failed, just like you failed before! [roars again]''
:'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': Uh, did we do something wrong?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''SILENCE!'' They have won this time, but none of us shall rest until the Rangers are completely destroyed, and the Earth is reduced to mere cinders! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Zordon, Alpha 5 and the teens watch Rita on the viewing globe]''
:'''[[w:Rita|Rita]]''': ''[sings]'' 99 bottles of slime on the wall. 99 bottles of slime. You take one down, you pass it around. 98 bottles of slime on the wall!
:''[Jason, Kimberly, Billy, Trini, Zack, Tommy, Alpha and Zordon break into laughter]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': ''[sings]'' 99 bottles of slime on the wall, 99 bottles of slime...!
:''[they resume laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Caplan''': Here they come, ladies and gentlemen, the leaders are entering the whole stretch!

===The Wanna-Be Ranger===

:'''Primator''': Prepare to meet your doom! I am Primator!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trini''': Where are the others, you guys?
:'''Billy''': I'm not sure. We all teleported together.
:'''Jason''': Keep your eyes open. ''[sees a weakening &quot;Green Ranger&quot; ahead]'' Look! There's Tommy!
:'''Fake Green Ranger''': You guys! I'm losin' my powers! That ape was just too much! Why don't we just give up?
:''[Jason kicks him]''
:'''Jason''': The real Tommy would never give up so easily, you bone-headed baboon!
:'''Fake Green Ranger''': Soon you're all going to wish you gave up!
:'''Billy''': ''[extracts his mirror]'' Why don't we try a little experiment, Tommy? Let's see if reflective light brings out a whole new you. ''[hands the fake Green Ranger the mirror]'' Go on. Take a look.
:''[the fake Green Ranger looks at his reflection]''
:'''Fake Green Ranger''': So what am I supposed to see?
:''[part of his helmet turns red]''
:'''Billy''': My, how colorful.
:''[the fake Green Ranger growls and turns back into Primator]''

===Putty on the Brain===

:'''Billy''': Zack, be careful! He could turn up the heat and barbecue you anytime he wants!
:'''Zack''': Aw, this guy's nothin'.
:'''Saliguana''': Nothin'?! I'll show you nothin'! Here's a very hot somethin'!
:''[he spews fire at the Blue and Black Rangers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kimberly''': Zack, are you okay?
:'''Zack''': ''[still sees her as a Putty]'' Kimberly?!
:'''Miss Appleby''': Zack, do you have something to say?
:''[Zack pauses for a moment]''
:'''Kimberly''': Quit foolin' around.
:'''Zack''': No, ma'am.
:'''Miss Appleby''': I don't want anyone to say another word.
:''[Skull pushes the play button on his tape recorder]''
:'''Recording of Miss Appleby''': Another word.
:'''Skull''': ''[nervously]'' Uh-oh!

===Bloom of Doom===

:'''Kim''': All right, so you slimeballs actually have members in your club?
:'''Bulk''': Yeah! Lots of 'em, too.
:'''Skull''': 'Course, we had to bribe 'em with free food. But what the heck? Wanna join?
:'''Kim''': Not in this lifetime.
:'''Bulk''': Too bad. 'Cause our first gig is to find the true identities of the Power Rangers.
:'''Skull''': Yeah. We heard 'em talking, and now all we hafta do is find voices that match what we heard. ''[sticks his mic in front of the Pink Ranger teen]'' Cool! Huh?
:'''Kim''': Get a life, dimwit! ''[storms off in a huff]''
:'''Skull''': She's definitely ''not'' a Power Ranger.
:'''Bulk''': She's in a fight with Trini or somethin'. I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bulk''': Listen up! We will now expose the Power Rangers' true identities! Turn it on, Skull!
:'''Zack''': You mean you think you found out who they are?
:'''Bulk''': We'll just play this tape and see if we recognize the voices we heard. Roll it, Skull.
:''[Skull presses play on the cassette recorder, but only squeaky distortion is heard]''
:'''Skull''': NO WAY!
:''[he stops the cassette and opens the recorder to find the eaten cassette]''
:'''Skull''': Oh. Faulty tape.
:'''Bulk''': Can't you do anything right?!

===The Green Dream===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Are those dreams wearing you down, dear Tommy? Aww. When I get hold of the Sword of Power, your dream will become a real nightmare, and my dream a reality!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': I am RoboGoat, ready to butt heads with the Power Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': Once I have your powers, Lord Zedd will be unstoppable!
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': No way, RoboGoat! Even one Ranger can take you out!
:'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': Why don't you ask your friend the Green Ranger how easy it was? You're next, Red Ranger!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Curses to you, you meddling Power Rangers, for destroying my precious RoboGoat. And you! You cost me the Sword of Power!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': I'm sorry I failed you, Master...
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I don't know why I don't clip your wings, you overgrown monkey. And you two! You two are just as useless. I should clip your ears and throw you in the trash with Rita!
:'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': We didn't do anything!
:'''[[w:Squatt|Squatt]]''': Yeah, we're innocent!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Well, all is not lost, underlings. Although we held the Sword of Power for but a short time, the Green Ranger's powers are now a very short story indeed. And the final chapter? The final chapter is still being written.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I'm at the end, guys. 
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Tommy, don't say that.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': My powers are almost gone. That's what my dreams have been telling me, it's what I've been feeling inside.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Man, you've been through it before. You came back strong.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Not this time. It's different  This time it's for good. Lord Zedd's had it in for me ever since the beginning. And he's closing in.

===The Power Stealer===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Welcome, Green Ranger. Glad you could drop by. In no time at all you'll be a powerless shell. But don't worry... your friends will be joining you soon!

===The Beetle Invasion===
:'''Tommy:''' What have you done to me?

===Welcome to Venus Island===

===The Song of Guitardo===

:'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''' ''[singing]'': Succumb to me / Your thoughts are mine / See my music fill your mind

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Well, Pink Ranger, aren't you the songwriter? Let's see if you can come up with some lyrics for this little tune!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I have to morph, Zordon. Powers or not, I just can't stand by and watch my friends be destroyed. Kimberly can't hold out much longer on her own.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': But Tommy, it's much too dangerous!
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I don't care. I'm a Power Ranger 'til the end.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Not bad, Greenie.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Yeah, but you haven't seen anything yet.
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Give it up, Guitardo!
:'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Intermission, I'll take a bow. But soon you'll be mine anyhow. Don't just stand and stare, join me at the fair!
:''[He teleports away.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''' ''[singing]'': Listen hard, and listen good / I got you like I knew I would

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kimberly''' ''[singing]'' Down the road, we never know / What life may have in store / Winds of change will rearrange / Our lives more than before... / ''[with Zack singing]'' But you'll never stand alone, my friend / Memories will never die / In our hearts they'll always live / And never say... goodbye...

===Green No More, Part 1===

:'''Zedd''': Pay attention, Goldar. The siphoning to the crystal is nearly complete. When the Green Ranger is rendered completely powerless, I want you to see to it...
:''[Turban Shell reappears]''
:'''Zedd''': Huh?! What are you doing back here, you worthless worm?!
:'''Turban Shell''': I had to recharge my shell, your hideousness.
:'''Zedd''': You're supposed to be fighting the Power Rangers!
:'''Turban Shell''': I had them on the ropes, Lord Zedd.
:'''Zedd''': What?!
:'''Turban Shell''': Well, I almost...
:'''Zedd''': And you let them go when you could've finished them?! You mollusk brain! Get back down there, and fight until the Green Ranger is through! Do you understand?!
:'''Turban Shell''': As you command, oh patient one. I shall not fail you. ''[disappears]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Zack:''' You guys don't know what you're doin'!
:'''Jason:''' When Zedd is through with you, he'll destroy you, too!
:'''Black Dark Ranger:''' No one's ever given us a chance like Lord Zedd has. He's promised us his loyalty!
:'''Billy:''' Listen to us! The only person Lord Zedd is loyal to is himself.
:'''Zedd:''' Silence! Enough of your bleating. I have other matters to attend to, such as watching the destruction of the Green Ranger.
:'''Kimberly:''' What have you done with him? Where is he?
:'''Zedd:''' He's somewhere in the Other World. He is powerless now, and of no concern to me, just like the five of you are now! What you are about to see is my Dark Rangers taking their rightful places. Then they shall begin the destruction of the world!

===Green No More, Part 2===

:''[Goldar appears before Turban Shell just as he is about to finish off Tommy]''
:'''Goldar''': Stand aside, underling. I shall finish this.
:'''Turban Shell''': No way! The green one is mine!
:'''Goldar''': Obey my order, worm, lest I feed you to the birds! Our master has other plans for you. Go!
:'''Turban Shell''': Very well. ''[disappears]''

===Missing Green===

:''[Jason keeps failing at his karate training.]''
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': I just can't.
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Man, what's wrong? I know, it's Tommy. You miss him.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': It's more than that.
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': It's my fault he lost his powers in the first place. If I had gotten the Green Candle, he'd still be one of us!
:'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Come on, Jase, you had no choice. I know, I was there.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': No. I should've gotten the candle.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Rita's Green Candle was just the beginning. ''These'' are the end! I wonder how the Red Ranger will feel after the remaining Rangers' powers have been drained and extinguished, as once again he stands powerless to stop it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': This sliver of green wax is all that remains of your Green friend's power. Funny that it's final act is to light the flame that will strip you of your powers! And just like the Green Ranger... your time as Power Rangers will burn to nothing!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, the other Rangers wanted you to win the Golden Pipe Karate Trophy, but they knew you were worried about Tommy. The Rangers went to find him.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': That trophy means nothing without my friends here to share it. Alpha, you ''have'' to locate them.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': I'm trying, Jason, I'm trying! Aye yai yai yai yai!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Lord Zedd has sent his new Pipebrain monster to attack Angel Grove. He is very swift and powerful. Jason, you must stop him.
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': But Zordon, I'll need my friends.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Jason! I finally found them!
:'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Where are they, Alpha?
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': As I feared, the other Rangers are being held prisoner in Lord Zedd's Dimension of Doom. Goldar is about to take advantage of the one weakness of the Power Team.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ''[on the Viewing Globe]'' As soon as the candles melt, your powers will be gone forever!
:''[Jason is furious.]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, you must control your anger. This is exactly the reaction Lord Zedd wants. You must not allow him to gain the upper hand. Red Ranger, come stand before me. 
:''[Jason does so.]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, a true leader is always faced with tough decisions. He must control his emotions, and act based on who has the greatest need.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Jason, you made the right decision when you left Tommy's candle.
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': The other Rangers needed you then, as they need you now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[To Jason.]''
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': My life is dedicated to destroying ''you!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I don't understand it. The more I divide them, the more they come together. I swear, I will find a way to destroy them, even if I have to scour the entire galaxy to do it.

===Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park===

===Beauty and the Beast===

===White Light, Part 1===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I detect a sudden weakness in the Morphing Grid.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Our armies have been getting stronger, my Lord. I knew if we kept working--
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Silence, you fool! It is more than that! The Morphing Grid's balance is maintained by the constant struggle between Zordon and myself.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Maybe Zordon finally gave up.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Or is somehow damaged. Either way, now is the perfect chance to retrieve the former Green Ranger.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Without Zordon, the Power Rangers will be powerless to stop us!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Still, we'll give them a little something to keep them occupied and out of our way: Nimrod, the Scarlet Sentinel! ''[laughs]''
:''[Zedd fires a lightning bolt to Earth, inititating Nimrod's birth.]
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': We must celebrate. The Green Ranger will soon return to the dark side and take his place as heir to my throne!

===White Light, Part 2===
:'''Zordon''': Welcome, Power Rangers! This promises to be a momentous occasion; you are about to meet the newest member of your team. As you are aware, the Green Ranger's power was completely decimated by his last few battles.  Alpha and I felt it was time to create an even more powerful Ranger to combat Lord Zedd and his diabolical evil. To that end, a candidate was selected, and a new Power Ranger was created. And now my friends, I present to you...the White Ranger! ''(a light shines in the Command Center, blinding the Power Rangers as a figure was shown in the white light, and is revealed to be the White Ranger as he hovers to the ground slowly and then lands)'' Welcome, White Ranger; the time has come to reveal your identity. ''(The White Ranger takes his helmet off and reveals his identity to the other Rangers, and Kimberly who was shocked faints to the ground)''
:'''Tommy''': ''(exposes his White Ranger identity)'' Guess who's back?
:''(his fellow Ranger teens are surprised to see their old friend again)''
:'''Billy''': I don't believe it!
:''(Zordon smiles and chuckles as Jason, Trini, Zack, and Billy walk up to Tommy and greet him)''
:'''Zack''': Whassup, man? Aw, you look good!
:'''Tommy''': Thanks, man.
:'''Zack''': We didn't know who it was gonna be. I mean...
:'''Billy''': We were all hopin' it would be you. Especially Kimberly.
:''(Tommy looks down and sees Kimberly out cold on the ground)''
:'''Tommy''': Speakin' of Kimberly...
:''(he walks up to Kim and kneels down to her)''
:'''Tommy''': Hey, beautiful. It's time to wake up.
:''(Kimberly does so)''
:'''Kimberly''': I don't believe it. I must be dreaming. Is it really you?
:'''Tommy''': In the flesh.
:''(the 2 embrace)''
:'''Zack''': Man; awesome! Simply awesome.
:'''Kimberly''': It's fantastic. 
:'''Alpha 5''': Ai-Yai-Yai-Yai-Yai, all this human emotion, Hoooooooo. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Tommy has become the White Ranger.]''
:'''Zordon''': So, Power Rangers, may I assume that you are pleased with the new leader of the Power Team?
:'''Jason''': This is great!
:'''Zordon''': I'm sorry for being secretive; we had to guard against Lord Zedd's interference.  
:'''Kimberly''': But Zordon, how? I mean, I thought Tommy lost his powers for good.
:'''Alpha 5''': Not Tommy's. The Green Ranger's powers were gone for good.
:'''Zordon''': That is correct. However, Tommy has proven himself to be worthy and true. His courage, strength, and honor allowed us to choose him to be the new White Ranger. This time, his powers have been created by the light of goodness and can never be taken away by the forces of evil.
:'''Alpha 5''': The new Ranger will control the White Tigerzord, a Zord of strength and fierceness, his will carry an enchanted white saber known as Saba. Saba will assist the White Ranger in battle as well as control of the new Zord. ''(Alpha pushes the buttons on the control panel)''
:'''Zordon''': Extent your hand White Ranger, and except all that has been granted to you ''(Tommy raises his arm in the air and Saba appears in his hand)'' Congratulations Tommy, you are now the leader of the Power Rangers.
:'''Tommy''': Oh, man, it's good to be back.    

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Upon seeing Bulk and Skull.]''
:'''Rita''': Oh, great! Just what I need. A human Squatt and Baboo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zack:''' ''[to Rita]'' You'll never get rid of us!  Nighty-night, Rita.

===Two for One===

:'''Lipsyncher''': What's the matter, Ranger? Can't face the music?!
:'''Jason''': Wanna bet?!
:'''Lipsyncher''': Think those fists'll stop me?
:''[the Red Ranger gives her a big scratch on the face with his Power Sword]''
:'''Lipsyncher''': ''[clenches her fists with total anger]'' Ohh! My beautiful face! How could you?!
:''[cut back to Zedd's palace]''
:'''Zedd''': Enough of this foolish vanity! ''[growls]'' I'll stop that miserable creature's complaining! ''[throws a growth bomb]'' Grow! And destroy the Red Ranger!

===Opposites Attract===

:'''[[w:Magnet Brain (Power Rangers)|Magnet Brain]]''': North is south, up is down, I'm about to trash this town!

===Zedd's Monster Mash===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, Halloween. Little children dressed as hideous creatures, demanding treats from perfect strangers. Finally, a holiday I can sink my teeth into!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': Do we get to dress up? I always wanted to be Little Bo Peep!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Tommy has been ambushed be a trio of monsters.]''
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I thought we turned you into squash, Pumpkin Rapper!
:'''[[w:Pumpkin Rapper|Pumpkin Rapper]]''' ''[rapping]'': Maybe ya did / But it's time to get sad / 'Cause of Lord Zedd's power / We're back and we're bad!

===The Ninja Encounter, Part 1===

===The Ninja Encounter, Part 2===

===The Ninja Encounter, Part 3===

===Zedd Waves===

:'''Beam Caster''': I'm takin' over the airwaves, and your brainwaves!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bulk''': ''[hypnotized]'' Hail Lord Zedd.
:'''Skull''': ''[also hypnotized]'' Hail Lord Bread.

===A Monster of Global Proportions===

===The Power Transfer, Part 1===

===The Power Transfer, Part 2===

:'''[[w:Silver Horns|Silver Horns]]''': I'm as happy as a wolf in a house full of hens!

===Goldar's Vice-Versa===

:''(Bulk and Skull hide from 2 female bullies behind the counter of Ernie's juice bar)''
:'''Ernie''': Hey! You guys can't be back here.
:'''Bulk''': Please, Ernie. Just until they go away.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Due to the combined strength of Goldar and Scorpina, Thunder MegaZord and White TigerZord power may not be enough. I have instructed Alpha to boost the power output of the Thunder UltraZord. Call on it if you find it necessary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Hey Scorpina, meet the TigerZord!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Scorpina|Scorpina]]''': He who fights and runs away...
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ...Lives to fight another day!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Female punk 1''': Yoo-hoo!
:''[Rocky and Adam are incredulous as two female punks show up to the youth center dressed like Bulk and Skull. The first female punk is similar to Skull and is the dominant of the two. Her friend is overweight like Bulk and follows her.]''
:'''Female punk 1''': Bulky-kins!
:'''Female punk 2''': Skullsy-poo!
:'''Rocky''': Hey, what's wrong, Bulk?
:'''Bulk''': They want to ask us to the dance! We should go Skull!
:'''Skull''': Yeah, we wouldn't want to be late for detention, knowing how Mr. Caplan gets!
:''[Bulk and Skull try to make a getaway, but the two female punks follow them. The second female punk stops for a moment to eat a cookie before resuming to chase after the duo with her friend.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bulk''':''[reading the final note]'' We still have what you've been looking for. Turn around!
:''[Bulk and Skull are confronted by the two female punk bullies.]''
:'''Female punk 2''': Hi Skullsy-pie!
:'''Female punk 1''': Miss me, Bulky-Puss?
:'''Bulk''': What are you two doing here?
:'''Female punk 2''': Did you get our itty-bitty notes?
:'''Bulk''': Wait a minute. You wrote those!
:'''Female punk 1''': Of course! And we still have what you've been looking for.
:'''Bulk''': What is it that you could possibly have that we would want?
:'''Skull''': Yeah, what?
:'''Female punks 1 and 2''': True Love! Hit it!
:''[The two female bullies takes Bulk and Skull to the center and dances with them. It soon ends with them forcefully kissing the duo. The girls congratulate each other as the Rangers laugh]''

===Mirror of Regret===

===When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?===

:'''Zedd''': When is a Ranger not a Ranger
:when his image is scattered to bits?
:And a Ranger is in danger
:when his memory is on the... on the... 
:'''Squatt''': ...On the fritz? 
:'''Zedd''': I would've gotten it! 
:'''Squatt''': Yeah, in a couple of million years, maybe.

===Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun===

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': So, Rocky likes to have fun. I'll fix it so that's ''all'' he wants to have!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': But why?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': &quot;Why?&quot; Fool! Because while that pachinko-playing Power Pest is having fun, the Rangers will be at less than full strength, allowing me to destroy them! Then Angel Grove, and then the entire world will be my toy.

===Lights, Camera, Action===

:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Lights, camera, we're morphin' into action!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Show Biz Monster|Show Biz Monster]]''': Every scene's a fight scene!

===Where There's Smoke, There's Fire===

:'''Bulk''': As official members of the Angel Grove Wannabe Firefighters Club, we prepared a special slide presentation illustrating the dangers of my father operating a barbecue.
:'''Skull''': Yeah! So pay attention.
:'''Bulk''': These slides represent a famous event in 1993: Bulkmeier family barbecue, known across the country to firefighters as... &quot;The Big One&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Skull''': You know, Bulk, fire is kinda scary. So what if we just yell &quot;fire!&quot;, and then maybe the Power Rangers will show up and save us so we won't have to be near a real fire?
:'''Bulk''': Don't be such a wimp! Fire doesn't scare me. And besides, the Power Rangers are too smart for that!
:''[Flamehead spews fire on a barrel behind Bulk; Skull notices and gasps]''
:'''Skull''': ''[under his breath; points at the burning barrel]'' Fire. Fire!
:'''Bulk''': Look, you bonehead! I just told you that the Rangers are too smart to fall for that!
:'''Skull''': Fire! Fire!
:'''Bulk''': Wait a minute. I smell smoke!
:''[he turns around and notices the burning barrel]''
:'''Bulk''': FIRE!
:''[the duo panics and retreats to the lake]''

===Scavenger Hunt===

===The Great Bookala Escape===
:'''Zedd''': You missed the target! I'm surprised you even hit the Earth! It's only 6,000 miles wide!
:'''Goldar''': We must recharge, master.
:'''Zedd''': Don't even say it. I hear by proclaim no more using the word &quot;recharge&quot; ever again!

===Forever Friends===
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[To Goldar]'' I'll stay here and handle Buckethead!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': [''After being defeated''] Ah, Goldar, approach me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Zedd''': Goldar, never send putties to do your job! This is all your fault because of your bumbling, I don't even have any prisoners! Now go and destroy the White Ranger!

===A Reel Fish Story===
:'''Crayfish''': More Power Rangers?!
:'''Slippery Shark''': Huh?! Where did they come from?!
:'''Goo Fish''': I don't know, but they sure are ugly!
:'''Tommy''': It's time to throw you rejects overboard.
:'''Pirantishead''': You 6 won't even make a full meal.

===Rangers Back in Time, Part 1===

===Rangers Back in Time, Part 2===
:''[Zedd is furious with Goldar's demands of Bulk and Skull to surrender the photo of the Rangers]''
:'''Zedd''': You're 7 feet tall, lamebrain! Just take it from them!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Zedd''': I can't believe that bubblehead said that! I need some real monsters down there! ''[uses his Z-staff]'' Monsters arise!

===The Wedding, Part 1===

===The Wedding, Part 2===

===The Wedding, Part 3===

===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1===

:'''Wizard''': You'll do as I command.
:'''Bulk and Skull''': ''[under his spell]'' Yes, master.
:'''Wizard''': You shall go and seek a human named Tommy, and bring me a sample of his hair, so that I may clone another of his image and strength. ''[hands the bullies a pair of scissors]''
:'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master.
:'''Wizard''': Now, go.
:'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master.
:'''Wizard''': ''[annoyed]'' Now, go.
:'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master.
:'''Wizard''': ''[furiously]'' NOW, GO!!
:''[he zaps Bulk and Skull's feet with his wand, forcing them to run off; the wizard shakes his head in annoyance]''
:'''Wizard''': Humans.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Fake Tommy''': Hello, Tommy. Allow me to introduce myself. 
:'''Tommy''': What's going on? Who are you?
:'''Fake Tommy''': I'm the Green Ranger.
:'''Tommy''': If you're like me, you can't be evil.
:'''Fake Tommy''': Let's face it - we all have our dark sides.
:'''Tommy''': My dark side's faded with the Green Ranger's powers.
:'''Fake Tommy''': I ''am'' the Green Ranger! Only I'm more powerful than you, White Ranger. So, are you gonna fight against yourself?

===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2===

:'''Fake Tommy''': So that's the way you want it, huh? The Green Ranger vs. the White Ranger.
:'''Wizard''': Now!
:'''Tommy''': It's morphin' time!
:'''Fake Tommy''': I was hoping you'd say that.
:''[both Tommys morph]''

===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3===
:'''Tommy''' (speaking to the Dragonzord): Sorry old friend, but I've got to shut you down!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Green Ranger''': One last battle as the Green Ranger.

===Best Man for the Job===
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You're too late bad boy, I already have a plan! Squatt, Goldar, Baboo, get in here!
:''[Squatt, Baboo and Goldar show up in front of Rita]''
:'''Squatt''': Yes, oh merciless one.
:'''Baboo''': Right here, Oh Queen of Cruel!
:'''Rita''': I have something for you. ''[uses her magic to conjure up a magical rope and tosses it in Baboo's hands]'' Use this rope to put a spell on Tommy and Kimberly that will make them super competitive!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Rita, does Lord Zedd know about this?!
:'''Rita''': No, but he will when I destroy those puny Power Punks and then he'll be forced to admit that I'm the baddest bad girl of them all!''[laughs]''

===Storybook Rangers, Part 1===

:'''Kimberly''': I love fairy tales. When I was little, I'd dream I was a princess, who'd get rescued by a handsome prince on a white horse. 
:'''Tommy''': How about a white tiger?
:'''Kimberly''': That could work! 

===Storybook Rangers, Part 2===

:'''Turkeyjerk''': Don't I serve a fine dinner? It just knocks you out! 

:'''Mondo''': Get up, so I can finish you off, face to face!

===Wild West Rangers, Part 1===

:'''Kimberly''': Is this really 1880?
:'''Miss Alisha''': All year long. 

===Wild West Rangers, Part 2===

:'''Goldar''': Well, Miss Kimmy, it seems your pathetic Power imposters couldn't fight tooth decay, let alone my forces! 

:'''Needlenose''': Oh, boy, two against one! I love an unfair fight. 

===Blue Ranger Gone Bad===

:'''Goldar''': What's that you usually yell about now? Something about &quot;Morphin' Time,&quot; isn't it? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rita''': ZEDD!
:'''Zedd''' ''[growls]'': Blasted woman... that voice of hers could peel paint!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tommy''': ''[after his badly-crafted vase gets turned into Vase Face]'' Aww man. I should've done a painting instead.

==Season 3 (1995-1996)==

===A Friend in Need, Part 1===

===A Friend in Need, Part 2===
:'''Repellator''': So displeased to meet you!

===A Friend in Need, Part 3===
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Maybe you caught my flu.
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Ridiculous! I am Repellator, impervious to your silly human sickne---
:''[He sneezes.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Repellator returns to Zedd's Moon Palace sick.]''
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Masters, have you got any for this sore throat?
:''[Zedd and Rita are annoyed by Repellator's return.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': Repellator, what are you doing here?!
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': I caught Pink Ranger's flu bug.
:''[He sneezes to prove his point]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': Oh, for crying out loud. You call this a monster.
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Finster, get your flea ridden carcass in here.
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Yes, my queen. Right here at your service. Now what's seems to be the problem.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': Finster, find a cure for your monster and get him back down to Earth to fight Kimberly.
:''[Repellator sneezes and annoys Zedd and Rita further for the putting Earth under their control behind schedule.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Say &quot;Ahh.&quot;
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Uhhh.
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Again.
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Uhh.
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': And keep your eyes open - all three of them. Alright now, uh, cough for me.
:''[Repellator coughs pathetically.]''
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Eww, don't you ever brush?
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Monsters aren't supposed to.
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': It's just as I thought, you've caught a nasty Earth virus.
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': What should I do?
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Well, you'll have to stay in bed for seven to ten nights, and drink plenty of fluids.
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': I can't! Rita and Lord Zedd are already mad at me. I have to go conquer the Power Rangers! Isn't there a pill I could take?
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': I suppose I could give you something to make you feel a bit better, yes. But you will never get well if you don't stay in bed.
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. As soon as this job is over.
:''[Finster pulls out a '''huge''' needle.]''
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Hey, wait a minute! Whaddya think you're doing with that thing?!
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': You're not afraid of a little needle, now are you?
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': W-w-well, no, but, but isn't there another way?
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Well... let me think. Actually, I suppose you could take these instead.
:''[Finster turns to a jar labelled &quot;Finster's Tummy Tabs.&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Yes! Yeah! I'll take the pills!
:'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Take two now and two before you go to bed. I'd better warn you, they don't taste very good. Open wide!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Bulk and Skull are trying (and failing) to impress some girls.]''
:'''Girl #1''': ''You're'' the Power Rangers?
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': In the living spandex!
:'''Girl #2''': Wait a minute, where are the other Power Rangers?
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': They're off--
:''[His helmet slams shut on him.]''
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': They're off polishing their Zords!
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Which just fought a giant, huge creature-thing!
:'''Girl #1''': Uh-huh. Come on, let's get out of here.
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': No, wait! Don't you wanna see us, y'know, ridin' our Zords?
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah! We really are the Power Rangers!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': I've come to destroy the Power Rangers! Why are you running away? Come back and fight! Oh, I feel great!
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Oh, we're not the Power Rangers!
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah, don't hurt us! ''We are not the Power Rangers!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, look. Sheer terror and desperation. I love it! Haha, this is better than big-time space wrestling! A monster on Earth, and not a Ranger in sight!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Back to action!
:''[She sneezes.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Skull, do me a favor.
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': What's that?
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': If I ever come up with another plan that has anything to do with the Power Rangers... staple my mouth shut.

===Ninja Quest, Part 1===
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': How long have we been married, anyway?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My unhappiness is so complete, it feels like a mere matter of moments. Does it feel that way to you, my little sour apple?
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Seems more like a century.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During a volleyball game, Billy accidentally causes Bulk to get hit with the ball.]''
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Way to go, geekoid!
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah! Even I coulda done that.
:'''Ernie''': Come on, guys, give him a break.
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]], [[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Rito Revolto?! What are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You know this klutz?
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': ''Know'' him? He's my brother!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Rito is leading an army of monsters.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': We are the force that will destroy the Power Rangers! Everyone, spread out and hide!
:''[The monsters begin to take hiding places.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Hey, where are you guys goin'? You guys are taking all the good spots! Come on!
:'''[[w:Fighting Flea|Fighting Flea]]''': ''You're'' the decoy, remember? We're the only ones that're supposed to hide!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah, what was I thinking? ''I'm'' the decoy, ''I'm'' the decoy!
:'''[[w:Fighting Flea|Fighting Flea]]''': Sheesh, what a doofus.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': By the power and force of lightning, make our monster grow!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': You guys are finished! Uhh... as soon as my pals get here.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Looks to me like Zedd left you hanging.
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah? Well, I guess I'll have to take ya down myself!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': I love it when a plan comes together!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai, yai, yai! The controls are going crazy! I'm afraid to push the Power Accellerator any harder!
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, the Power Accellerator is becoming increasingly unstable.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai--oh! Oh no!
:''[The control console begins sparking.]''
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': The flux of power could ultimately strip you of your Ranger powers.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[in the TigerZord]'' That's a risk we'll just have to take!
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Let's see here...
:''[The console sparks violently.]''
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Oh no! It's out of control! Zordon!
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Alpha, you must find a way to stabilize the Accelerator.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': I'm trying, but nothing's working! The Zords are gonna blow up!
:''[The console explodes.]''
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai! Oh, what are we going to do now?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Hey, Rita! Whaddya think of your baby brother now?

===Ninja Quest, Part 2===
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Looks like we lost more than our Zords... we've lost our powers. Completely.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My comrades, we have executed the ultimate plan. By destroying their Zords, we have once and for all taken the power out of the Power Rangers!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Rito, my brother! I'm so proud of you!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, I'm proud of me, too.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': With four monsters helping me, I could defeat them, too!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': ''[flatly]'' Sure, you could.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Silence! Now that those meddlesome Rangers are finally out of our way, there is nothing Zordon can do to stop us from conquering the world!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Where did our powers come from in the first place?
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Legend has it that there is a lost temple hidden beneath the Desert of Despair. The keeper of the temple is named Ninjor. He forged the original Power Coins to be used by those battling the evil forces of the universe, but this may only be a myth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Good luck, Rangers. Return to us safely.
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Everyone, please be careful!
:''[The Rangers are teleported to the Desert of Despair.]''
:'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Oh, Zordon, I hope we did the right thing.
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Try not to worry, Alpha. If the temple does exist, the Rangers are the only ones who can find it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us where the registration office is?
:'''Officer''': You boys looking to enroll in the Junior Police Patrol?
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Yeah! You're looking at two of Angel Grove's finest future detectives.
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': We wanna wear uniforms so we can impress the girls.
:''[Bulk's face drops.]''
:'''Officer''': You better have a better reason than that.
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': That wasn't meant to sound the way it sounded. We wanna ''protect'' the girls!
:'''Officer''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Changed my mind, Bulky, I'm not the physical type. &quot;No muscle and proud of it,&quot; that's me!
:''[Bulk grabs him.]''
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': You will ''do'' it! And you will ''like'' it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Concerning the eggs Rito brought with him.]''
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Come on, Rito, what's the deal? Tell me what they are.
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Well, like I said before, I wanted to bring a special wedding present for you and Ed here.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]], [[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ''ZEDD!''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, whatever. So I thought---
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Gee, I thought I smelled something burning.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Oh, would you be quiet?! Continue, Rito.
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah! So, uh... what was I saying?
:''[Rita and Goldar groan.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah! The eggs!
:''[Zedd groans.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Now what was in them?
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Oh, you...
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Just can't remember---doh!
:''[Rita grabs him by the neck.]''
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You've got ten seconds to tell me what's in those eggs! One, two---
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Ten!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': &quot;Ten?&quot; Ten, that's it! Tengas! That's what's in those eggs!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Tengas?
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yep! For you and my favorite sister!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Tenga Warriors?! You brought me Tenga Warriors?!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Sure did.
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': I could kiss you... if you weren't so ugly. The Tenga Warriors are absolutely the most ferocious creatures this side of the universe!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My very own army of Tenga Warriors... without the Power Rangers to stand in my way, imagine the possibilities!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Y'know, picking out a present for you has never been easy. Remember when Mom and Dad got you that little fire-breathing dragon, but you really wanted that cute little planet, so you used the dragon to burn the house down?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Hey! What's with that egg? It didn't hatch!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': It must be a dud.
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': No, there's something very important about that egg. I just forgot what it is.

===Ninja Quest, Part 3===
:''[The Rangers have found Ninjor resting within a jar.]''
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': That little twerp is the great Ninjor?
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': What a rude little girl you are.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Now, what do you want? Make it quick. You have five seconds.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Our leader Zordon sent us on a quest for new powers and Zords. Lord Zedd destroyed our old ones. 
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Time's up. That's a lovely story. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
:'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': But, wait, we're the Power Rangers!
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Which means... what?
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Will you just listen? The world's in incredible danger!
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': ''[sing-song]'' Not my problem! Go away please.
:'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': Come on guys, it's obvious this guy doesn't have a clue about kindness or decency.
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': I guess the legend of Ninjor really is a myth.
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': I can't believe he's the one who created the Power Coins... what are we gonna do? The world's gonna be destroyed and we can't stop it because we don't have any powers.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': But we do. We still have the power within ourselves - the knowledge of what's right and true. Lord Zedd can never destroy that.
:'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': You're right, Tommy. We'll just have to do whatever we can. Come on.
:''[They begin to leave.]''
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': ''[groans]'' Oh, boy... wait a minute! Your hearts speak with truth. You have convinced me that you do not seek this power out of greed. If the power of Ninjor lives within your souls, we really got something here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Older than time itself, Man has always known the calling. Light of the light, strength of the soul, ignite this eternal power inside of me. I am Ninja! I am pure of heart, body, mind, and spirit. Join with me now as I become one with the Power of Ninja!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Behold the power, grace, and beauty of your new Ninja Zords. These Zords are driven by the force of the Ninja, and infused with the power of light and strength. They are far superior to your Zords of the past. Where before your power came from the brute strength of the Dinosaurs, now it comes from the swift, intelligent, cunning of the Ninja. This is more than a restoration of your Ranger powers, your new Power Coins have much more advanced powers. However, as before, it is important that you work together as a team. To that end, all the Zords have the ability to unite as one, to form the Ninja MegaFalconZord!
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': They're amazing.
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': They will serve you well in your quest to defeat the evils that jeopardize your world. You are truly a remarkable group of young people worthy of the Ninja Power.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': You have proven yourselves worthy to possess the Power of Ninja. This is a great responsibility. Use your powers wisely. The road you face will not be easy. The fight between good and evil never is. But Zordon chose well when he selected you, I could not have done better myself.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]], [[w:Adam Park|Adam]], [[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]], [[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]], [[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]], [[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': It's Morphin' Time!
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': White Ranger Power!
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Black Ranger Power!
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Pink Ranger Power!
:'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Blue Ranger Power!
:'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': Yellow Ranger Power!
:'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': Red Ranger Power!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lord Zedd has just sent Rito back to earth to finish the job and is irritated that he called him Ed again.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': It's Zedd! Lord Zedd, you numbskull!

===Ninja Quest, Part 4===
:''(Lord Zedd is seen going a shade of vermillion out of anger due to Rito's failures.)''
:'''Lord Zedd''': Such incompetence! Curses! Not only have the Power Rangers secured their ninja powers, but they now have more powerful zords.
:'''Goldar''': I knew something like this would happen.
:'''Rita Repulsa''': Don't worry, hubby dear. That brother of mine will take care of those runty Rangers and remember we have that Vampirus egg waiting to hatch.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': This is incredible! Of all the insufferable, wretched, despicable, unbelievably ''stupid'' maneuvers! You said you could do it. Rita said you could do it! Rito Revolto, weren't you going to put an end to the Power Rangers?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': I call upon Ninjor, keeper of the Temple of Ninja Power!
:''[A blue laser strikes him from within the temple.]''
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': You are not worthy enough to darken the entrance to this temple.
:'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': We'll see who's worthy after I destroy this temple, and you along with it!
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Ha! You and what army, you overgrown bat?
:'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': No army, just evil friends.
:''[On the moon.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Make my monster grow!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': When will they ever learn? Evil never triumphs.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zedd''': Fools! I am surrounded by complete fools!
:'''Rito''': Eddie, Eddie, come on! We'll get 'em next time! Hey, let's see a great, big smile, Ed.
:'''Zedd''': ZEDD! Zedd, you sniveling weasel! Z-E-D-D!! MY NAME IS LORD ZEDD!!
:'''Rito''': Oh, it's Zedd! I got it, Ed. Oop, I did it again, sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Congratulations on a job well-done, Power Rangers. Now that you have mastered the art of Ninja Powers, we can join forces to protect the Temple of Power from the evil which inhabits the universe.
:'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': You got it, Ninjor.
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Yeah, to protect and serve.
:'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Ninjor is now in alliance with us. From this day forward, he will answer your call for guidance and help.
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': We are one now. Simply close your eyes and focus upon our collective energy: that is the Power of Ninja.
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': And you'll know, just like that?
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Just like that. 'Til we meet again, Rangers.

===A Brush with Destiny===
:'''Artist Mole''': And now to create my masterpiece - &quot;Rangers In Danger!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ninjor''': Greetings, my young friends. So very good to see you again. Can Ninjor be of service to you?
:'''Artist Mole''': Probably not to them, Thunder-Thighs, but your shade of blue will look good on my palette.
:'''Ninjor''': I shall remove the irritant!

===Passing the Lantern===
:''[Zedd is furious with Rito, Baboo, and Squatt for bringing him a lot of lanterns instead of just Adam's]''
:'''Zedd''': Why did you bring me so many?! ''[tosses one aside]'' How am I supposed to know which one has got the special powers?!
:'''Baboo''': Well, the garden guy said all the lanterns are special.

===Wizard for a Day===
:'''Rito''': Those Mighty Morphin Meatheads better watch out, 'cause from this moment on, ''I'm'' in charge, and I'm their worst nightmare!

===Fourth Down and Long===
:'''Zordon''': Red Ranger, to assist you in this most difficult situation, it is imperative to summon Ninjor.
:''[Ninjor appears, surprising Rocky]''
:'''Ninjor''': Did someone say &quot;Ninjor&quot;?!
:'''Rocky''': Ninjor! The other Rangers have been turned into footballs. We have to rescue them!
:'''Ninjor''': Football's my favorite sport! Home runs, and baskets, and...
:''[2 energy devices appear]''
:'''Alpha''': These devices reverse the energy fields.
:'''Ninjor''': Shouldn't we get going?
:'''Rocky''': Back to action!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ninjor''': It's fifth and down for you, buddy!
:'''Rocky''': No, no, that's fourth and long.
:'''Ninjor''': Uh, yeah! What he said!
:'''Centiback''': Aw, stick a pig in it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after four of the footballs have returned to normal]''
:'''Centiback''': Well, they may be gone, but you're here, and there's still time on the clock for me to execute one of my favorite plays!
:''[he punts his ball toward Ninjor, who catches it in his energy device]''
:'''Ninjor''': Two points!
:'''Centiback''': Hey, fellas! You're not playin' fair! Gimme my ball back!
:'''Ninjor''': As you wish!
:''[he tosses Centiback's ball towards the five remaining footballs, reverting them back into the Power Rangers]''
:'''White Ranger''': Aw, man. That's one experience I won't soon forget. Well, I'm all here. Everybody okay?
:'''Black Ranger''': Yeah, I think so.
:'''Saba''': I'm fine, too.
:'''White Ranger''': Great, Saba.
:'''Centiback''': Penalty! Too many Rangers on the field!
:''[Ninjor and the Red Ranger high-five]''
:'''Red Ranger''': Way to go!
:'''Ninjor''': Slam dunk!

===Stop the Hate Master, Part 1===
:'''Aisha's grandmother''': Love conquers all.

===Stop the Hate Master, Part 2===

===Final Face-Off===
:'''Tommy''': What's the matter?
:'''Rocky''': Last time I checked, Squatt and Baboo weren't interested in ancient cultures.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Face Stealer''': ''[emerges from his urn]'' Who dares awaken me from my slumber?!
:'''Zedd''': ''[enters]'' What's all the racket in here?! And who in the galaxy are you?!
:'''Face Stealer''': I am Face Stealer, woken from my silence after 5,000 years.
:'''Zedd''': You call that a deep sleep? That's a nap where I come from.
:''[Rito laughs]''
:'''Rita''': Well, hubby dear, I think someone around here owes me an apology.
:'''Rito''': Yeah.
:'''Zedd''': Are you telling me that that's the...
:'''Rita''': Exactly! Let me present to you, the one and only Face Stealer!
:'''Face Stealer''': Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here. Thank you very much.

===The Potion Notion===
:'''Rito''': ''[picks up the phone]'' Hello. Rito Revolto residence.
:''[he laughs until...]''
:'''Zedd''': ''[on phone]'' Rito, you bonehead! Put Goldar on the line!
:'''Rito''': Oh. Hi, Edd! Uh, Goldar's not here. Oh! Can I be in charge?
:'''Zedd''': So, you want to be in charge, huh?
:'''Rito''': Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. ''[laughs]''
:'''Zedd''': Like when I told you to recharge Serpentera yesterday?!
:''[Rito facepalms]''
:'''Zedd''': Well, thanks to you, we're on our way back, and your sister can't wait to see you. Tell Goldar that monster had better be ready!
:'''Rito''': Monster? What? Oh! Right! The monster! You got it, Edd! No problemo! Everything is right on schedule. Count on it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Miss Chief sprays her love potion on Rita, causing her to fall for Goldar]''
:'''Rita''': You have the most beautiful eyes, Goldux. They're the most horrible shade of red!
:''[Goldar panics all the way to Zedd's throne]''
:'''Goldar''': Oh, Rito, what have you done?! I'll get you for this!
:''[Rito just laughs]''
:'''Goldar''': Finster, the antidote! Spray her with the antidote! THE ANTIDOTE!!
:'''Finster''': Very well, but remember, you owe me one.
:''[he sprays Rita with the antidote]''
:'''Finster''': Presto!
:'''Goldar''': Anything! Just... get her... off!
:'''Rita''': ''[free from the spell]'' Get off me, you big baboon! Have you lost your marbles?!

===A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1===

===A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2===
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You've been a good kitty, Katherine. Remind me to give you an extra saucer of milk.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Oh, brother.
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Isn't she beautiful, Zeddy?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Get that flea-bitten thing away from me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Rito has just returned to the Palace after another failure.]''
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': What are you doing here? Oh, why do I even bother?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': That's the exact same question I've been asking since he arrived!
:''[Rito makes angry mocking sounds at him.]''
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Well, I suppose it's a good time for Plan B.
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh, good! A Plan B!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You won't be involved, numbskull!
:''[He shoves Rito away.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Katherine is missing.]''
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': What have you done with her?!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Nothing you need to worry about!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Yeah!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': After all, what would Kimmie think? You spending so much time worrying about another girl!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Katastrophe|Katastrophe]]''': The game isn't over yet. Next time, I won't pussyfoot around!
:''[She teleports away.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Are you ready to surrender yet?
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': You know me better than that, Goldar!
:''[Rito appears.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': I don't know you, will you surrender to me?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Saba (Power Rangers)|Saba]]''': White Ranger, I'm afraid I've failed you. I can see no way out of our present situation.
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Don't lose your faith yet, Saba.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Not even Zordon himself could save you now!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Why do you continue to fight, White Ranger? Be smart, join forces with us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[To Katastrophe.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now, it's time to go play Pounce the Power Rats!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Alright, you walking furball! This is as far as you're gonna get!
:'''[[w:Katastrophe|Katastrophe]]''': And I suppose ''you're'' gonna stop me? Angel Grove is just one giant scratching post to me, and I'm digging my claws in!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': I cannot let you win, kitty. Good ''must'' prevail!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Oh yeah, we bad.

===Changing of the Zords, Part 1===
:''[after Zedd steals the Falconzord]''
:'''Tommy''': Oh, man. I can't believe Lord Zedd has finally defeated the Power Rangers. Well, I'm not gonna let it happen. If it takes every last ounce of my strength, I will see to it that the Power Rangers are triumphant if it's the last thing I ever do!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[everyone at Lord Zedd's palace celebrates their victory]''
:'''Zedd''': We did it! We have everything we need to bring our Zords to life! The battle technology from the almighty Falconzord, and Ninjor's energy as its power source!
:'''Ninjor''': ''[inside the jar]'' Let me out of here, you fiend!
:'''Zedd''': This is the end of the Power Rangers! ''[laughs]''
:'''Ninjor''': I won't cooperate with your maniacal scheme! Not me! Forget about it!
:'''Zedd''': Yes, you will! ''[shakes the jar wildly]'' Or I'll turn you into a cosmic milkshake! ''[stops shaking and taps the jar]'' Did you hear me?! A cosmic milkshake?!! ''[laughs hysterically, then calms down and hands the jar to Finster]'' Siphon off his energy, Finster, so we can power up our Zords. ''[to the jar]'' You be nice, little Ninjor. ''[pumps his fists in the air]'' Ah! Victory is FUN!

===Changing of the Zords, Part 2===
:'''Zedd''': ''[after being teleported to the Command Center]'' Greetings, my friends. Isn't anyone going to ask me how my trip was?
:'''Zordon''': Get on with it, Zedd! While you sit there, Kimberly's life is ebbing away.
:''[Zedd looks closely around himself]''
:'''Zedd''': Hmm, not a bad place. A little tacky. When I take over, I'll have my darling wife redecorate it.
:''[the Rangers say nothing, and Zedd laughs]''
:'''Zedd''': Oh, Alpha, ''[holds up his electrifying right hand]'' you can come out of hiding.
:'''Alpha''': ''[slowly pops out of his hiding place]'' I-I don't like you,... Ed...
:'''Zedd''': ''[in extreme fury like he was with Rito]'' IT'S ZEDD, YOU BLINKING BUCKET OF BOLTS!!! ''LORD'' ZEDD!!!!!

===Changing of the Zords, Part 3===
:''[Katherine appears in Zedd's dimension, where she finds Kimberly unconscious while her power is being drained]''
:'''Kat''': Hello, Kimberly. Sleeping peacefully? I wish it didn't have to be this way. ''[her eyes glow red, but something snaps inside]'' ''[seriously]'' I really do.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after the Rangers have defeated another monster with their new Shogun Megazord]''
:'''Rita''': Oh, those Rangers ruin everything!
:'''Zedd''': They broke my staff. They stole my zords! This job used to be fun. I want them to pay for making me so miserable!
:'''Rita''': They already have, in a way. We still got Ninjor trapped in a bottle, and sweetie-pie Kimberly's power coin. Those Rangers are weakened!

===Follow That Cab!===
:'''Kat''': ''[temporarily breaks free from Rita's spell]'' I'm not an evil girl! I'm a good girl!
:'''Rita''': ''[zaps Kat with her wand again]'' You're evil as long as I say you are!

===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1===
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Look at that guy. 5' 11&quot;, heavy accent, gray hair. Anyone interesting fit that description?
:'''[[w:Eugene &quot;Skull&quot; Skullovitch|Skull]]''': ''[imitating Bill Clinton]'' The President of the United States?
:'''[[w:Farkas &quot;Bulk&quot; Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Besides him.

===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2===
:'''Zedd''': ''[after the spell on Katherine has been lifted]'' I don't believe she turned on us. Who'll be next?! ''[to Squatt and Baboo]'' You two?!
:'''Rita''': I wondered what happened to that spell, anyway. Finster, I want an answer, and I want it now!
:'''Finster''': In analyzing my data, I conclude that Katherine's attempt to save Kimberly was a totally selfless deed. The goodness of that act overpowered your evil spell and neutralized it completely.
:'''Rita''': ''[shrugs]'' Oh, well. Nothing lasts forever.

===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3===
:'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': The power's all yours now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Katherine Hillard|Kat]]''': As long as I'm on the right team, that matters right?

===I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger===
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Merriment and togetherness make me ill. Every year for centuries, these nauseating Earthlings get together and celebrate the holidays. But this year, it's going to be different.
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Aw, give me a break! You say that every year!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': How would you know?! We've only been married for a year, though it seems like centuries.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About Zedd's brain-washing toys.]''
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Y'know, Ed, this ain't such a bad idea. I kinda like this thing.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': It's &quot;Zedd,&quot; you mental marshmallow!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Alright, Santa, this year, you won't have to check your list because all the world's children will be naughty. And won't that be nice for me?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]''': I know who you are, and you've been a very naughty boy this year!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, yeah, I'm heartbroken.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Now, you'd think that those Rangers would have someplace to go for the holidays, but ''nooo''.

===Rita's Pita===
:'''Ravenator''': Boy, you guys are bearly gonna make a light snack. I think I'm gonna eat all of Angel grove when i'm through with you.
:'''Tommy''': Lunch break's over!

===Another Brick in the Wall===

===A Chimp in Charge===
:'''Zedd''': You couldn't even transform a helpless chimp? What kind of worthless fool are you?!
:'''Finster''': I'm not sure. That's a difficult question to answer.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rita''': (About Kelly) Aw, the Power Twerps have a new mascot! (To Goldar) She even looks a little like you!
:'''Goldar''': That's a lie!
:'''Rita''': You're right; She's better looking!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': (Trying to zap Kelly) Don't you want to be a big strong monkey like King what-his-name?

===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1===

:'''Zedd''': Who dares enter unannounced?!
:'''Master Vile''': ''[appears before him]'' What?! Who dares to ask a question of me, Master Vile?!
:'''Rita''': Oh!
:'''Zedd''': Master WHO?!
:'''Rita''': Zeddy...
:'''Zedd''': What? Rita, you know this intruder?
:'''Rita''': Meet Master Vile. My father!
:''[Zedd is shocked]''
:'''Rito''': Hiya, Dad!
:''[Master Vile laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Vile''': ''[having heard of Rita and Zedd's marriage]'' You married Lord Zedd?! You couldn't marry anyone who had a skull?!
:'''Zedd''': I may not have a skull, but I have captured the Falcon Zord, as well as the great Ninjor. What do you have to say about that?!
:'''Master Vile''': I don't believe it!
:'''Rito''': But it's true, Dad! Look!
:''[he opens the jar and proceeds to walk towards his father; he trips on Zedd and inadvertently drops the jar]''
:'''Ninjor''': Aha! I'm free at last! You'll never catch me now!

===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2===
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[spotting the other Rangers while exploring the Caves of Deception]'' Hey guys, what are you doing here?
:'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Tommy, the battle's over. We lost. ''[hangs head]''
:'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': It's awful! Katherine's totally evil now!
:'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Vile has agreed to spare us and our families, if we give him the Zeo Crystal.
:'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': Tommy, you've got to join us! Surrender now!
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[gets into battle stance when the Green Ranger comes into view]'' My friends would never surrender to Master Vile!
:'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Green Ranger]]''': You're right, Tommy! They'd join ''with'' him!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tommy''': Zedd, Rita, I believe you have somethin' of ours. ''[grabs the caged Falconzord]''
:'''Rita''': Oh, no! ''[growls]''
:'''Tommy''': Don't worry. We'll show ourselves out.
:'''Katherine''': Cheers!
:''[she and Tommy teleport out, taking the Falconzord with them]''
:'''Zedd''': They took the Falconzord! Why didn't you stop them?!!

===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3===
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': And now, everyone, party like there's no tommorow... because there's not!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': ''[to the citizens of Angel Grove]'' I'm the new landlord in town, and all your leases are due!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': You always were an ungrateful, rotten, little brat! 
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You never understood me!
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': So I failed once. Big deal. Rita and Zedd have tried to conquer the Earth over a hundred times, and they've never come close.

===The Sound of Dischordia===
:'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Turn around and fight like a... hey, what are you?

===Rangers in Reverse===
:''[About Master Vile.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': And where is the old coot? I haven't seen him for days!
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': That's because he's been busy.
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Busy doing what?
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, what? I didn't think anything could be important to him, except driving me out of my mind!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': The Orb of Doom, when placed properly on the Earth, will cause the planet to freeze on its axis.
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': So the Earth stops spinning. Big deal.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': The Power Rangers will become the Power''less'' Rangers, as they are once again reduced to children! They will be unable to defend themselves against our awesome forces!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Heh, I hate to be the one to break the news to you, Dad, but we tried this once before, and it didn't work then, either!
:'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Been there, done that. What are ya, new?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Katherine Hillard|Kat]]''': We're not gonna let you do this!
:'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh! Big words for someone in pink tights!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Master Vile has permanently defeated the Power Rangers.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I can't believe the old coot did it! You know what this means, don't you? I'll never hear the end of it! He'll just go on, and on...
:'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Don't fret, Zeddy! Why not think of this as a learning experience? Now, let's get into the act before we miss all the fun!
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, I guess you're right, my dear. It ''is'' time we had some fun, isn't it? Without those Power Rangers in our way, this world is ours for the taking!

===Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1===

===Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2===
:'''Alien Rangers''': Thanks to hydro power, mission is accomplished!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at the Moon Base, a furious Master Vile is on the ground]''
:'''Master Vile''': It was a full-proof plan! Why? Why?!
:''[Rito and Rita help their father up off the ground]''
:'''Rito''': Whoopsie Daisy daddy. Come on, don't take it so rough.
:'''Rita''': Grow up! You're supposed to be the adult around here! Now stop it, you're embarrassing me!
:'''Master Vile''': That's it! I've had it with the lot of you. I'm going back to my own galaxy, where evil reigns supreme and the bad guys always win!

===Climb Every Fountain===
:'''Aurico''': ''[taps Slotsky's shoulder]'' Sir, your food's here.
:'''Slotsky''': Did I order something?
:'''Aurico''': Yeah! A knuckle sandwich!
:''[he punches Slotsky]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Zedd's moon base, a furious Rita chastises Rito and Goldar for their failure to get the Rangers' Power Coins]''
:'''Rita''': Can't you do anything right?! What is it with you anyway!
:'''Rito''': It wasn't my fault, sis. It was Mr. Goldilocks here!

===The Alien Trap===
:''[Lord Zedd spies on Goldar and Rito stranded on a boat in the middle of the lake.]''
:'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': What's truly baffling is why I keep relying on those two mindless buffoons. Those pinheads can't do anything right!

===Attack of the 60' Bulk===
:'''Bratboy''': Let's play a game: I tell you what to do, and you do it, you got that?
:'''Tommy''': Forget it, Bratboy. Go back to the freak lab where you were made!
:'''Bratboy''': Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. And I've got more then sticks and stones in store for you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:(After Rito tears the map in half)
:'''Rito''': Now we BOTH have a map! There!
:'''Goldar''': Whattaya, got rocks in your head?!
:'''Rito''': Nope; There's nothing in my head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tommy''': Hey, dough-head! Wanna play a game?
:'''Bratboy''': Yeah! Let's play &quot;Eliminate the Power Punks&quot;! Who's first?
:'''Kat''': Over here, brainiac!
:'''Adam''': Hey, ugly, how about me?
:'''Aisha''': Hey, over here, Bratboy.
:'''Bratboy''': Oh, so many to choose from.
:'''Rocky''': Can't catch me, gnatboy!
:'''Bratboy''': GRRRRR!!! The name is '''Bratboy''', you brain-drains.

===Water You Thinking?===
:'''Skull''': Hey, Bulky. Do you think the Alien Rangers could beat Darth Vader?
:'''Bulk''': You dimwit! Darth Vader is just pretend. The Alien Rangers are real!
:'''Skull''': Oh, right, I forgot.
:''[pause]''
:'''Skull''': How 'bout a Klingon?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Command Center's underground base, Goldar is lost.]''
:'''Goldar''': Drat, a dead end. Great, I'll have to turn back now. ''[Using the popcorn trail he left behind to find his way back.]'' That fool Rito is probably lost by now. I'll just follow this back to where I started....
:''[Goldar finds Rito eating his trail.]''
:'''Goldar''': What are you doing? You bonehead!
:'''Rito''':''[spitting some of the popcorn he was eating]'' Hey Goldie, what do you think you're doing here?
:'''Goldar''': You... eat my trail.
:'''Rito''': Your what?! Oh sorry, I didn't know. I mean I was hungry.
:'''Goldar''': You were hungry?! How would you like a knuckle sandwich?
:'''Rito''': Thank you, but no. I'm full now I just couldn't eat another bite.
:'''Goldar''':''[Face palms in embarrassment]'' Why me?!

===Along Came a Spider===
:'''Rita''': ''[about Arachnofiend]'' The 8-legged fool is all thumbs!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kai-Ogi''': &quot;Madam, I'm Adam&quot;, same forwards and back! Madam, I'm Adam. You're on the right track.

===Sowing the Seas of Evil===
:'''True of Heart''': Listen to a tale told by my people for generations: &quot;A stranger comes,&quot; so the story goes. &quot;He shall come in search of the light,&quot; symbolized by rock. &quot;A crystal, pure in power.&quot; Are you the one?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''True of Heart''': Do not give in to worry, Tommy. Be strong. You're running out of time. If you do not find the crystal, it will be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[alarm sounds]
:'''Alpha 5''': Ay-yi-yi, Zordon! There's a major drain of external thermal energy in the area!
:'''Zordon''': You are correct, Alpha. My sensors are indicating that Lord Zedd is somehow tapping into the dimensional galaxy.
:'''Alpha 5''': Ay-yi-yi! He's pinpointing Aquitar!
:'''Tideus''': Zedd may be trying to find a means of teleporting us back home.
:'''Aurico''': Or of teleporting someone from home here.

===Hogday Afternoon, Part 1===
:'''Zedd''': Hydro Hog, appear to me at once!
:'''Hydro Hog''': Yes Zedd, what do you want this time?
:'''Zedd''': Finally a decent connection. Hydro Hog, how would you like to drain the Earth of its water supply and destroy the Alien Rangers at the very same time?
:'''Hydro Hog''': So, you can't get rid of them on your own eh?! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Rita''': We don't have the power of evaporation at our fingertips like you do, oh wart breath!
:'''Hydro Hog''': Oh what the hey! It has been kinda boring here on Aquitar without the fish rangers to harass. I guess I'll do it.
:'''Zedd''': Excellent! Prepare to leave at once.
:'''Hydro Hog''': What do you think I got a lot of bags to pack?! I'm on my way.

===Hogday Afternoon, Part 2===
:'''Hydro Hog''': ''[after growing]'' Hey! Get a load of me! I'm gonna crush you like sea lice!

==About ''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers''==

* I’m laying in bed in my hotel room in Japan. At the time there is no Netflix, no cable, no nothing — just three channels playing game shows. All of the sudden there were these five kids in spandex fighting monsters. Don’t ask me why, but I fell in love. It was so campy!
:* [[w:Haim Saban|Haim Saban]], [http://www.latimes.com/business/hollywood/la-fi-ct-haim-saban-power-rangers-20170319-story.html &quot;He believed in 'Power Rangers' when nobody else did, and it turned him into a billionaire&quot;], Meg James, ''Los Angeles Times'', March 19, 2017.

{{wikipedia}}
{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers''}}
[[Category:Adventure TV shows]]
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'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607478</id>
      <parentid>3607054</parentid>
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      <text bytes="19057" sha1="k5qxz2fo8x4mfafr5j5owf9c9uj30l2" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*''[Boo tucks in bed]''
:'''Sulley''': I think we stopped him, Boo. You're safe now. You be a good girl, OK?
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boo tucks in bed]''
:'''Sulley''': I think we stopped him, Boo. You're safe now. You be a good girl, OK?
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': '''Don't Go In That Room!'''
:''[Sulley shuts the closet door behind him, Waternoose yells beats against the Simulation Room door. Boo tucks in bed]''
:'''Sulley''': I think we stopped him, Boo. You're safe now. You be a good girl, OK?
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': (shouting) &lt;big&gt;'''''Don't Go In That Room!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sulley shuts the closet door behind him, Waternoose yells beats against the Simulation Room door. Boo tucks in bed]''
:'''Sulley''': I think we stopped him, Boo. You're safe now. You be a good girl, OK?
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Monsters, Inc.|Monsters, Inc.]]''''' in American [[w:2001 in film|2001]] CGI-animated feature film in which, to power the city, monsters have to scare children so that they scream. However, the children are toxic to the monsters, and after a child gets through, two monsters realize things may not be what they think.
:''Directed by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], and [[w:Daniel Gerson|Daniel Gerson]], based on a story by [[w:Pete Docter|Pete Docter]], [[w:Jill Culton|Jill Culton]], [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]], and [[w:Ralph Eggleston|Ralph Eggleston]]''
&lt;center&gt;'''Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center/&gt;

==Henry J. Waternoose III==
* What are you doing?! ''(What’s going on?! I’m not going to prison!)'' Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! ''You destroyed'' this company! Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream now?! The energy crisis will only get worse '''BECAUSE''' OF '''YOU!!!!!!'''

==Dialogue==
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:''[Work lights flash on, flooding the room with light]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[reveals that the monster in the closet is named Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile]'' All right, Mr. Bile, is it?
:'''Bile''': Uh, my friends call me Phlegm.
:'''Ms. Flint''': Uh-huh. Mr. Bile, can you tell me what you did wrong?
:'''Bile''': I fell down?
:'''Ms. Flint''': '''''No, no, before that.''''' Can anyone tell me Mr. Bile's big mistake? Anyone?
:''[Next point of views shows three pathetic-looking monsters taking notes, Judging from their looks. they don't seem to know much about proper scaring. First monster coughs]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Let's take a look at the tape. Here we go.
:''[Ms. Flint rewinds the tape. Thaddeus Bile enters the bedroom, leaving the door wide open]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Right... p-p-p-p-p- Ah! See? The door! You left it wide open.
:'''Bile and Monsters''': Oooh.
:'''Ms. Flint''': And leaving a door open is the worst mistake any employee can make because...?
:'''Bile''': Um... it could... let in a draft?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[first words]'' It could let in a child!
:''[Henry J. Waternoose III a large gray Crab and the CEO of Monsters Inc., appears from the shadows, frightening everyone a bit]''
:'''Ms. Flint''': Oh! Mr. Waternoose!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': There's nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. '''''A single touch could kill you!?''''' Leave it door open, and a child could walk right into this factory. Right into the monster world?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling you, big daddy, you're gonna be seeing this face on TV a lot more often.
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, like on &quot;Monstropolis' Most Wanted&quot;?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Ha, ha, ha. You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley has insisted on walking to work]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You wanna know why I bought the car, Sulley?
:'''Sulley''': Not really.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': To drive it! You know, like on the street, with the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
:'''Sulley''': Wa, wa, wa, wa. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''I'' could use the exercise? Look at you! You have your own climate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I just got us into a little place called, um...Harryhausen's.
:'''Celia Mae''': Harryhausen's?! But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, sweetheart.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Think romantical thoughts. ''[singing] You and me, me and you, both of us togetheeeeeeer.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You got, uh, low tide?
:'''Sulley''': No.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': How about wet dog?
:'''Sulley''': Yep. Stink it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[to Sulley]'' Y'know, sometimes I feel so romantic, I think I should just marry myself!
:'''Sulley''': Give me a break, Mike...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': What a night of romance I've got ahead of me! Tonight is about me and Celia! Hoo-hoo, the loveboat is about to set sail! I'm telling ya, pal, I see her face and it makes my heart go-- ''[finds himself face-to-face with Roz]'' YIKES!!!
:'''Roz''': ''[sternly]'' Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, as a matter of fact--
:'''Roz''': And I'm ''sure'' you filed your paperwork correctly...for once! ''[silence]'' Your stunned silence is ''very'' reassuring. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Oh no, my scare reports! I left them on my desk! If I'm not at the restaurant in five minutes, they're gonna give our table away, what am I gonna tell--?! ''[Celia comes up to Mike]'' Schmoopsie-Pooh.
:'''Celia Mae''': Hey Googly-Bear, wanna get going?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Do I ever? It's just that... Uh...
:'''Celia Mae''': What?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': There's a small--
:'''Celia Mae''': I don't understand.
:'''Sulley''': It's just ''I'' forgot about some paperwork I was supposed to file. Mike was reminding me; thanks, buddy.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was? I mean, I was! Yeah, I was.
:'''Celia Mae''': Okay, let's go then.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': We're going! ''[whispering to Sulley]'' On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to accounting, the fuchsia ones go to purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. ''[Celia pulls him away; he comes back]'' Leave the puce! ''[gets pulled away again]''
:''[Later]''
:'''Sulley''': ''[to himself]'' So the pink copies go to purchasing, and the fuchsia ones go to Roz. No, the ''fuchsia'' ones go to purchasing and the ''goldenrod'' ones go to Roz. Man, I have no idea what puce is... ''[looks at some reddish-brown files]'' Oh, that's puce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Celia Mae''': Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays, but this is the best birthday ever. What are you looking at?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
:'''Celia Mae''': Stop it.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Your hair was shorter then.
:'''Celia Mae''': Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. ''[the snakes in her hair look worried]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No-no, I like it this length. ''[the snakes sigh in relief]'' I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful monster was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
:'''Celia Mae''': What did you say?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I said-- ''[sees Sulley trying to get his attention]'' Sulley?
:'''Celia Mae''': ''Sulley''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike is running in the hallway]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Breathe... keep breathing...
:''[He continues running, until he stops next to the portrait of Waternoose. Randall appears visible, Mike sighs.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': YIKES!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[pushes Mike against the wall]'' Where's the kid?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Kid? What kid?
:'''Randall Boggs''': It's here in the factory, isn't it?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': You're not pinning this on me. It never would have gotten out, if ''you'' hadn't been cheating last night!
:'''Randall Boggs''': Cheating?! I-- Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in 5 minutes?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I get a time out?
:'''Randall Boggs''': Everyone goes to lunch!!!! Which means, the scare floor will be...
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Painted?
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[loses it]'' '''''EMPTY! IT'LL BE EMPTY, YOU IDIOT!''''' ''[point to the clock]'' You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' and the little hand is pointing up, ''[twists Mike's arm up]'' the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points '''down''', ''[twists Mike's arm down around his left arm]'' the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
:''[Mike nods in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Randall Boggs''': Wazowski! Where's the kid, you little one-eyed crettin?!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay. First of all, it's ''cretin''. If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping me is gonna help you cheat your way to the top!
:'''Randall Boggs''': ''[chuckles nastily]'' You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled like that... and now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
:'''Randall Boggs''': I am about revolutionize the scaring industry and when I do even the great James P. Sullivan is gonna be working for me.  
:'''Mike''': Well, somebody certainly been a busy bee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sulley enters the scare simulator room with Mike and Boo in her disguise, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]''
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': James! Perfect timing. 
:'''Sulley''': No, no! No, sir, you don't understand. 
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Show these monster how it's done.  
:'''Sulley''': No I can't sir, you have to listen to me.  
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Pay attention, everyone. You're about to see the best in the business. Reset the simulator.
:''[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]''
:'''Sulley''': But, sir...
:''[The lights goes out, as if it's nighttime, and a robot kid goes to sleep]''
:'''Boo''': ''[excited to watch Sulley]'' Kitty!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, Boo. No!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Now, give us a big loud roar.
:'''Sulley''': Mr. Waternoose, there's no time for this...
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Roar!
:'''Sulley''': But, sir!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ROAR!
:''[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the simulation child and lets out a loud roar, causing it to scream, unaware that Boo is standing close by, frightened]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[applauds]'' Well done. Well done, James!
:'''Sulley''': Boo?
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': All right, gentlemen. I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
:''[Sulley notices a frightened Boo run off from his roar]''
:'''Sulley''': Boo? Boo? Boo, it's me.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[gasps]'' The child!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Sir, she isn't toxic. I know it's sounds crazy but trust me. 
:'''Sulley''': Boo. No, no, no, It's okay. I was just No, don't be scared. It wasn't real. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': ''[is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball]'' Mike?
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
:'''Sulley''': Mike, you don't understand.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
:'''Sulley''': I'm being attacked!
:'''Mike Wazowski''': No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a '''''team'''''. Nothing is more important than our friendship. ''[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]'' I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive. ''[Sulley is beings strangles]'' Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am barin’ my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!? ''[he throws a snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knocks him out]'' Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
:'''Sulley''': ''[picks up Mike and Boo]'' Come on!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[to Randall]'' Get up! There can't be any witnesses!
:'''Randall Boggs''': '''''There won't be.'''''
:''[After Sulley and Mike rescue Boo from the scream extracting room]''
:'''Sulley''': I'm glad you came back, Mike.
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Somebody's gotta take care of ya, ya big hairball.
:''[A horrible scream gets Mike's attention. It's Celia, who leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Schmoopsie-Poo, I really can't talk.
:'''Sulley''': ''[drags Mike away]'' Come on!
:'''Celia Mae''': ''[grabs Mike's leg, and so is dragged after him]'' Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on ''right now'', we are through! '''''Do you hear me?! Through!'''''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Okay, here's the truth! You know that kid that they're lookin' for? Sulley let her in! We tried to send her back, but Waternoose had this secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, [[The Lion King|and he's trying to kill us!?]]
:'''Celia Mae''': &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PACK OF LIES, MIKE WAZOWSKI?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boo''': ''[pops up from behind Sulley's shoulder]'' Mike Wazowski!
:''[Celia shrieks in terror and lets go of Mike's leg.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': ''[calling back]'' I love you, Schmoopsie-Poo!
:''[Then Celia sees Randall and Fungus come running down the hall, crashing after Sulley and Mike. They trip over a slow monster pushing a scream cart.]''
:'''Randall Boggs''': Will you move it?! Look out, you... idiots!!!
:''[Celia's eye widens, then narrows in determination.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sulley''': Come on.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': (shouting) &lt;big&gt;'''''Don't Go In That Room!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Sulley shuts the closet door behind him, Waternoose yells beats against the Simulation Room door. Boo tucks in bed]''
:'''Sulley''': I think we stopped him, Boo. You're safe now. You be a good girl, OK?
:''[Waternoose catches Sulley trying to defend Boo]''
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': This has gone far enough, James!
:'''Sulley''': She's home now! Just leave her alone!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I can't do that! She's seen too much! '''You both have!'''
:'''Sulley''': It doesn't have to be this way!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I have no choice! Times have changed! Scaring isn't enough anymore!
:'''Sulley''': But kidnapping children?!
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': I'll kidnap a 1,000 children before I let this company die! And I'll silence anyone… '''Who Gets In My Way!'''
:''[knocks Sulley aside]''
:'''Sulley''': No!
:''[Waternoose lunges at the bed, only to find the simulator robot]''
:'''Simulator Kid''': Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Mother''': Night, Sweetheart.
:'''Simulator Kid''': (low-pitched) Goodnight, Mum.
:'''Simulator Voice''': Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[confused]'' Huh? But... What?
:''[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we? ''[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]''
:'''Boo''': Baby.
:'''Sulley''': Shh, shh, shh, shh!
:'''Boo''': Shh!
:'''CDA Agent #1''': I'll take him.
:'''CDA Agent #2''': All right, sir. Come with us.
:'''Henry J. Waternoose III''': ''[last words; while getting arrested]'' What are you doing?! Take your hands off of me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! '''''You've destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead!''''' Where will everyone get their scream, now! '''''The energy crisis will only get worse, BECAUSE OF &lt;big&gt;YOU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[The simulation room door slams shut.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Stay where you are. #1 wants to talk to you. Attention!
:''[The CDAs enter the scene, then Roz.]''
:'''Roz''': Hello, boys!
:'''Sulley and Mike Wazowski''': Roz?
:'''Roz''': Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you intercepted that child, Mr. Sullivan. Of course, without your help, I never would've known that this went all the way up to Waternoose. ''[Boo comes out of hiding, and scampers to Sulley]'' Now, about the girl?
:'''Sulley''': I just wanna send her home.
:'''Roz''': Very good. ''[into wrist communicator]'' Bring me a door shredder.
:'''Sulley''': What? You mean, I can't see her again?
:'''Roz''': That's the way it has to be. '''I'll Give You Five Minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The CDA agents shut a defeated Waternoose into the back of the van.]''
:'''CDA Agent''': Take him away.
:''[The CDA's van drives away, the monsters mutter about what's gonna happen.]''
:'''Smitty''': I bet we get the rest of the day off.
:'''Needleman''': '''''YOU IDIOT! They're gonna shut down the factory!'''''
:''[All monsters gasps at Smitty and Needleman's words, Sulley and Mike walk out into the evening light.]''
:'''Mike Wazowski''': I'm telling ya, pal, when that wall went up, you should've seen the look on Waternoose's face. Hoo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. ''[sees Sulley sad]'' Hey, you all right? Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it. We got Boo home. Ah, sure we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be outta work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power. But hey, at least we had some laughs, right?
:''[As Mike continues walking, Sulley slowly comes to a stop, an idea forming in his mind.]''
:'''Sulley''': Laughs.

== Taglines ==
* Monsters, Inc.: We Scare Because We Care

* You Won't Believe Your Eye.

* We Think They Are Scary, But Really We Scare Them!

* Since the very first bedtime, all around the world, children have known that once their mothers and fathers tuck them in, and shut off the light, MONSTERS are hiding in their closets, waiting to emerge! What they don't know is: it's nothing personal. It's just their job.

==Cast==
* [[John Goodman]] — James P. &quot;Sulley&quot; Sullivan
* [[Billy Crystal]] — Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Wazowski
* [[w:Mary Gibbs (actress)|Mary Gibbs]] — Boo
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Randall Boggs
* [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] — Henry Waternoose III
* [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Celia Mae
* [[w:George Cleveland|George Cleveland]] — Roz
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Yeti
* [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] — Jeffrey Fungus
* [[w:Dan Gerson|Daniel Gerson]] — Needleman and Smitty
* [[w:Steve Susskind|Steven Robert Susskind]] — Jerry the Floor Manager
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] — Ms. Flint
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] — Thaddeus &quot;Phlegm&quot; Bile
* Sam Black — George Sanderson

==See also==
*''[[Monsters University]]''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0198781 | title=Monsters, Inc.}}
* [http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/inc/ Official Pixar site]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Family films]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:David Silverman films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Films directed by Pete Docter]]
[[Category:Pixar]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>John Rawls</title>
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      <text bytes="31726" sha1="g79lzgjopdvgd05qxy9a60rm40ywhq8" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John Rawls (1971 photo portrait).jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of [[liberty]] is always likely to be [[irrational]].]] 
'''[[w:John Rawls|John Bordley Rawls]]''' ([[21 February]] [[1921]] – [[24 November]] [[2002]]) was an American [[philosopher]], and a leading figure in [[w:moral philosophy|moral]] and [[w:political philosophy|political philosophy]]. He held the James Bryant Conant University Professorship at Harvard University and the Fulbright Fellowship at Christ Church, Oxford. His ''magnum opus'', ''[[A Theory of Justice]]'' (1971), was hailed at the time of its publication as &quot;the most important work in moral philosophy since the end of World War II, and is now regarded as one of the primary texts in political philosophy.

== Quotes  ==
[[File:Justicia Ottawa.jpg|thumb|[[Justice]] is the first [[virtue]] of [[social]] [[institutions]], as [[truth]] is of [[systems]] of [[thought]].]]

=== ''[[A Theory of Justice]]'' (1971; 1975; 1999) ===
[[File:Riischildren.jpg|thumb|[[Social]] and [[economic]] inequalities, for example inequalities of [[wealth]] and [[authority]], are [[just]] only if they result in compensating [[benefits]] for everyone, and in particular for the least advantaged members of society.]]
{{Main|A Theory of Justice}}
[[File:Statue of Truth.jpg|thumb|The [[intolerant]] can be viewed as [[w:Free-rider problem|free-riders]], as persons who seek the [[advantages]] of [[Justice|just]] [[institutions]] while not doing their share to uphold them.]]

* This is a long book, not only in pages.
** Preface, pg. viii

* '''I am particularly grateful to [[w:Robert Nozick|Nozick]] for his unfailing help and encouragement during the last stages.'''
** Preface, pg. xii

* '''Justice is the first virtue of social institutions, as truth is of systems of thought.''' A theory however elegant and economical must be rejected or revised if it is untrue; likewise laws and institutions no matter how efficient and well-arranged must be reformed or abolished if they are unjust. '''Each person possesses an inviolability founded on justice that even the welfare of society as a whole cannot override.''' For this reason justice denies that the loss of freedom for some is made right by a greater good shared by others. It does not allow that the sacrifices imposed on a few are outweighed by the larger sum of advantages enjoyed by many. Therefore in a just society the liberties of equal citizenship are taken as settled; the rights secured by justice are not subject to political bargaining or to the calculus of social interests.
** Chapter I, Section 1, pg. 3-4

* '''The concept of justice I take to be defined, then, by the role of its principles in assigning rights and duties and in defining the appropriate division of social advantages.''' A conception of justice is an interpretation of this role.
** Chapter I, Section 2, pg. 10

* '''The principles of justice are chosen behind a veil of ignorance.'''
** Chapter I, Section 3, pg. 12

* Social and economic inequalities, for example inequalities of wealth and authority, are just only if they result in compensating benefits for everyone, and in particular for the least advantaged members of society.
** p. 14.

* '''It may be expedient but it is not just that some should have less in order that others may prosper.'''
** Chapter I, Section 3, pg. 15

* A conception of justice cannot be deduced from self evident premises or conditions on principles; instead, its justification is a matter of the mutual support of many considerations, of everything fitted together into one coherent view.
** Chapter I, Section 4, p. 21

* '''Indeed, it is tempting to suppose that it is self evident that things should be so arranged so as to lead to the most good.'''
** Chapter I, Section 5, pg. 25

* '''An individual who finds that he enjoys seeing others in positions of lesser liberty understands that he has no claim whatever to this enjoyment.'''
** Chapter I, Section 6, pg. 31

* An intuitionist conception of justice is, one might say, but half a conception.
** Chapter I, Section 8, pg. 41

* We may suppose that everyone has in himself the whole form of a moral conception.
** Chapter I, Section 9, pg. 50

* Intuitionism is not constructive, perfectionism is unacceptable.
** Chapter I, Section 9, pg. 52

* Our concern is solely with the basic structure of society and its major institutions and therefore with the standard cases of social justice.
** Chapter II, Section 10, pg. 58 

* The first statement of the two principles reads as follows. First: each person is to have an equal right to the most extensive basic liberty compatible with a similar liberty for others. '''Second:''' social and economic inequalities are to be arranged so that they are both(a)reasonably expected to be to everyone's advantage, and (b) attached to positions and offices open to all.
** Chapter II, Section 11, pg. 60

* In all sectors of society there should be roughly equal prospects of culture and achievement for everyone similarly motivated and endowed. The expectations of those with the same abilities and aspirations should not be affected by their [[social class]].
** Chapter II, Section 12, pg. 73

* A scheme is unjust when the higher expectations, one or more of them, are excessive. If these expectations were decreased, the situation of the less favored would be improved.
** Chapter II, Section 13, pg. 79

* The even larger difference between rich and poor makes the latter even worse off, and this violates the principle of mutual advantage.
** Chapter II, Section 13, pg. 79

* '''In justice as fairness society is interpreted as a cooperative venture for mutual advantage.'''
** Chapter II, Section 14, pg. 84 

* We may reject the contention that the ordering of institutions is always defective because the distribution of natural talents and the contingencies of social circumstance are unjust, and this injustice must inevitably carry over to human arrangements. '''Occasionally this reflection is offered as an excuse for ignoring injustice, as if the refusal to acquiesce in injustice is on a par with being unable to accept death. The natural distribution is neither just nor unjust; nor is it unjust that persons are born into society at some particular position. These are simply natural facts. What is just and unjust is the way that institutions deal with these facts.''' Aristocratic and caste societies are unjust because they make these contingencies the ascriptive basis for belonging to more or less enclosed and privileged social classes. The basic structure of these societies incorporates the arbitrariness found in nature. But there is no necessity for men to resign themselves to these contingencies. The social system is not an unchangeable order beyond human control but a pattern of human action. In justice as fairness men agree to avail themselves of the accidents of nature and social circumstance only when doing so is for the common benefit. The two principles are a fair way of meeting the arbitrariness of fortune; and while no doubt imperfect in other ways, the institutions which satisfy these principles are just.
** Chapter II, Section 14, pg. 87-88

* Greater intelligence, wealth and opportunity, for example, allow a person to achieve ends he could not rationally contemplate otherwise.
** Chapter II, Section 15, pg. 93

* The difference principle, for example, requires that the higher expectations of the more advantaged contribute to the prospects of the least advantaged.
** Chapter II, Section 16, pg. 95

* No one deserves his greater natural capacity nor merits a more favorable starting place in society.
** Chapter II, Section 17, pg. 102

* If A were not allowed his better position, B would be even worse off than he is.
** Chapter II, Section 17, pg. 103

* First of all, no one knows his place in society, his class position or social status; nor does he know his fortune in the distribution of natural assets and abilities, his intelligence and strength, and the like. Nor, again, does anyone know his conception of the good, the particulars of his rational plan of life, or even the special features of psychology such as his aversion to risk or liability to optimism or pessimism. More than this, I assume that the parties do not know the particular circumstances of their own society. That is, they do not know its particular economic or political situation, or the level of civilization and culture it has been able to achieve. The persons in the original position have no information as to which generation they belong.
** p. 117

* There are infinitely many variations of the initial situation and therefore no doubt indefinitely many theorems of moral geometry.
** Chapter III, Section 21, pg. 126

* The circumstances of justice may be described as the normal conditions under which human cooperation is both possible and necessary.
** Chapter III, Section 22, pg. 126

* First of all, principles should be general. That is, it must be possible to formulate them without use of what would be intuitively recognized as proper names, or rigged definite descriptions.
** Chapter III, Section 23, pg. 131

* The claims of existing social arrangements and of self interest have been duly allowed for. '''We cannot at the end count them a second time because we do not like the result.'''
** Chapter III, Section 23, pg. 135

* '''To each according to his threat advantage does not count as a principle of justice.'''
** Chapter III, Section 24, pg. 141

* I have assumed throughout that the persons in the original position are rational.
** Chapter III, Section 25, pg. 142

* Inequalities are permissible when they maximize, or at least all contribute to, the long term expectations of the least fortunate group in society.
** Chapter III, Section 26, pg. 151 

* Yet it seems extraordinary that the justice of increasing the expectations of the better placed by a billion dollars, say, should turn on whether the prospects of the least favored increase or decrease by a penny.
** Chapter III, Section 26, pg. 157

* We must not be enticed by mathematically attractive assumptions into pretending that the contingencies of men's social positions and the asymmetries of their situations somehow even out in the end. Rather we must choose our conception of justice fully recognizing that this is not and cannot be the case.
** Chapter III, Section 28, pg. 171

* When the basic structure of society is publicly known to satisfy its principles for an extended period of time, those subject to these arrangements tend to develop a desire to act in accordance with these principles and to do their part in institutions which exemplify them
** Chapter III, Section 29, pg.177

* '''Justice as fairness provides what we want.'''
** Chapter III, Section 30, pg. 190

* '''The fault of the utilitarian doctrine is that it mistakes impersonality for impartiality.'''
** Chapter III, Section 30, pg. 190

* Ideally a just constitution would be a just procedure arranged to insure a just outcome.
** Chapter IV, Section 31, pg. 197

* '''Clearly when the liberties are left unrestricted they collide with one another.'''
** Chapter IV, Section 32, p. 203

* We must choose for others as we have reason to believe they would choose for themselves if they were at the age of reason and deciding rationally.
** Chapter IV, Section 33, p. 209

* '''The suppression of liberty is always likely to be irrational.'''
** Chapter IV, Section 33, p. 210

* Let us now consider whether justice requires the toleration of the intolerant, and if so under what conditions. There are a variety of situations in which this question arises. Some political parties in democratic states hold doctrines that commit them to suppress the constitutional liberties whenever they have the power. Again, there are those who reject intellectual freedom but who nevertheless hold positions in the university. It may appear that toleration in these cases is inconsistent with the principles of justice, or at any rate not required by them.
** p. 216

* An intolerant sect has no right to complain when it is denied an equal liberty. … A person’s right to complain is limited to principles he acknowledges himself.
** p. 217

* Justice does not require that men must stand idly by while others destroy the basis of their existence.
** Chapter IV, Section 35, p. 218

* Essentially the fault lies in the fact that the democratic political process is at best regulated rivalry; it does not even in theory have the desirable properties that [[price theory]] ascribes to truly competitive markets.
** Chapter IV, Section 36, p. 226

* The fundamental criterion for judging any procedure is the justice of its likely results.
** Chapter IV, Section 37, p. 230

* Properly understood, then, the desire to act justly derives in part from the desire to express most fully what we are or can be, namely free and equal rational beings with the liberty to choose.
** Chapter IV, Section 40, p. 256

* '''A just system must generate its own support.'''
** Chapter V, Section 41, p. 261

* There is a divergence between private and social accounting that the market fails to register. One essential task of law and government is to institute the necessary conditions.
** Chapter V, Section 42, p. 268

* '''Ideal legislators do not vote their interests.'''
** Chapter V, Section 43, p. 284

* '''Justice is happiness according to virtue.'''
** Chapter V, Section 48, p. 310

* '''The intolerant can be viewed as [[w:Free rider problem|free-riders]], as persons who seek the advantages of just institutions while not doing their share to uphold them.'''
** Chapter VI, Section 59, pg. 388

* '''Many conservative writers have contended that the tendency to equality in modern social movements is the expression of envy. In this way they seek to discredit this trend, attributing it to collectively harmful impulses.'''
** Chapter IX, Section 82, p. 538

* That persons have opposing interests and seek to advance their own conception of the good is not at all the same thing as their being moved by envy and jealousy.
** Chapter IX, Section 81, p. 540

* '''Men resign themselves to their position should it ever occur to them to question it; and since all may view themselves as assigned their vocation, everyone is held to be equally fated and equally noble in the eyes of providence.'''
** Chapter IX, Section 82, p. 547

* Being happy involves both a certain achievement in action and a rational assurance about the outcome.
** Chapter IX, Section 83, p. 549

* '''The extreme nature of dominant-end views is often concealed by the vagueness and ambiguity of the end proposed.'''
** Chapter IX, Section 83, p. 554

* At best the principles that economists have supposed the choices of rational individuals to satisfy can be presented as guidelines for us to consider when we make our decisions.
** Chapter IX, Section 84, p. 558

* The hazards of the generalized [[prisoner's dilemma]] are removed by the match between the right and the good.
** Chapter IX, Section 86, p. 577

* '''I have tried to set forth a theory that enables us to understand and to assess these feelings about the primacy of justice.''' Justice as fairness is the outcome: it articulates these opinions and supports their general tendency.
** Chapter IX, Section 87, p. 586

=== ''[[Political Liberalism]]'' (1993) ===
* Social and economic inequalities are to satisfy two conditions: first, they are to be attached to positions and offices open to all under conditions of fair equality of opportunity; and second, they are to be to the greatest benefit to the least-advantaged members of society.
** p. 6
{{Main|Political Liberalism}}

=== ''[[The Law of Peoples]]'' (1999) ===
{{Main|The Law of Peoples}}

==Quotes about Rawls==

===B===
* Why then in [[Britain]] has secularism become seen to be hostile to [[religion]]? Because '''[[neutrality]] is too often assumed to require the bleaching out of all traces of [[faith]], excluding [[religious]] [[belief]] and discourse from public [[life]].''' But it doesn't, and we can see why by appeal to the notion of public [[reason]], articulated most clearly by the late political philosopher John Rawls. Rawls was quite clear that the religious have no obligation at all to keep their faith entirely to themselves. &lt;br&gt;&quot;'''Reasonable comprehensive doctrines, religious or non-religious, may be introduced in public political discussion at any time''',&quot; he wrote, &quot;provided that in due course proper political reasons – and not reasons given solely by comprehensive doctrines – are presented that are sufficient to support whatever the comprehensive doctrines are said to support.&quot;
** [[Julian Baggini]], in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/feb/14/is-religion-really-under-threat?INTCMP=SRCH &quot;Is religion really under threat?&quot; in ''The Guardian'' (14 February 2012)]

===D===
* The key innovation in Rawl's scenario, designed to ensure that undue selfishness among the participants in this exercise in reflection cancels itself out, is what he calls the '''&quot;veil of ignorance&quot;'''. Everyone gets to vote on a favored design of society, but when you decide which society you would be happy to live in and give your allegiance to, you vote without knowing your particular role or niche in it will be. You may be a senator or a surgeon or a street sweeper or a soldier; you don't get to find out until after you have voted. '''Choosing from behind the veil of ignorance ensures that people will give due consideration to the likely effects, the costs and benefits, for all the citizenry, including those worse off.'''
** [[Daniel Dennett]], ''Darwin's Dangerous Idea'', p. 456

===G===
* If the basic assumption of the theory of [[ideology]] is at all tenable, namely, that the general power relations embodied in our social structures can exert a distorting influence on the formation of our beliefs and preferences without our being aware of it, then we are definitely not going to put that kind of influence out of action by asking the agents in the society to imagine that they didn’t know their position. To think otherwise is to believe in magic: imagine you are “impartial” and you will be. In fact, doing that will be more likely to reinforce the power of these entrenched prejudices because it will explicitly present them as universal, warranted by reason, etc.
** [[Raymond Geuss]], ''Philosophy and Real Politics'' (2008), pp. 88-89

* The idea that seems to be presupposed by the doctrine of the veil of ignorance—namely, that one can in some way get a better grasp or understanding of the power relations in society and how they work by covering them up, ignoring them, or simply wishing them away—seems very naïve. … To think that an appropriate point of departure for understanding the political world is our intuitions of what is “just,” without reflecting on where those intuitions come from, how they are maintained, and what interests they might serve, seems to exclude from the beginning the very possibility that these intuitions might themselves be “ideological.”
** [[Raymond Geuss]], ''Philosophy and Real Politics'' (2008), p. 90

===H===
* '''The ultimate merit of Rawls’s work did not lie only in his own theory, but in the extraordinarily broad discussion that it generated.''' Rawls’s work provided a framework for a flurry of counter-theories, such as [[w:G.A. Cohen|G.A. Cohen’s]] in ''Rescuing Justice and Equality'', which challenged Rawls from the left and advocated a stricter egalitarianism; and [[Robert Nozick|Robert Nozick’s]] sophisticated libertarian response in Anarchy, State, and Utopia; and [[w:Michael Walzer’s|Michael Walzer’s]] development, in ''Spheres of Justice'', of a communitarian approach to the problem.
** {{w|Moshe Halbertal}}, [http://www.tnr.com/article/environment-and-energy/the-ideal-and-the-real The Ideal and the Real], ''The New Republic'' December 12, 2009.

* Rawls challenged the view that [[utilitarianism]], or some variant of social liberalism, was the only way to construct a social order. In ''A Theory of Justice'', published in 1971, he laid out his alternative. Imagine, he postulated, that you have to make a choice about what social order you would want to be born into behind 'a veil of ignorance', in which you don't know beforehand your sex, skin colour, skills or the class of your parents. Your overriding concern would be to ensure that it was fair, because if you drew a short straw you would want to know that, as far as possible, society had structures that would redress the balance.
** {{w|Will Hutton}}, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2002/dec/01/labour.politicalcolumnists?INTCMP=SRCH  Essential truths of a fair-minded man], ''The Observer'', 1 December 2002.

* This means society should build what Rawls calls an 'infrastructure of justice' that ensures everyone has access to key primary goods - some reasonable level of income and material wellbeing, opportunity and basic rights and liberties - which allow them to consider they have been given a proper chance to achieve full membership of society. Moreover, the rich must recognise that their incomes can only be allowed to reach the level consistent with ensuring that the position of the poor is the best it could possibly be, so that were the positions to be swapped, the rich could accept their reduced position as fair. 
** {{w|Will Hutton}}, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2002/dec/01/labour.politicalcolumnists?INTCMP=SRCH  Essential truths of a fair-minded man], ''The Observer'', 1 December 2002.

===I===
* Rawls’ main interest was certainly not [[religion]]. It was social justice. He formulated two principles: first, that a just [[society]] should guarantee the basic liberties to all, including [[freedom of conscience]]; second, that social and economic inequalities are justified only if they work to the greatest benefit of the least advantaged members of society. For him, the first principle prevailed over the second: it was not admissible to deny the basic liberties to promote social justice. The second principle embodied his criticism of both unregulated capitalism and [[Marxism]]. Economic inequalities, he believed, are natural and unavoidable, but they are not against social justice only if they are part of a system where they are made to work to also benefit those at the lower level of the social scale. Actually, the poor may and do benefit from the presence of the rich, who support social welfare with their taxes, create workplaces, and may spend their money to create institutions, including cultural and educational, that benefit everybody. The rich would not do so spontaneously only, Rawls believed, and may need some compulsion by the state. This is why he was after all a philosopher of the left, although calling him a socialist may be an exaggeration.&lt;br&gt;…I was not myself a follower of Rawls and my own political and philosophical ideas were closer to the American conservatives he opposed. Yet, I found it interesting that even in the Democrat and liberal camp the most elegant theorist acknowledged the religious roots of the very idea of social justice and agreed that the American experiment, in all its possible versions, should affirm [[freedom of religion]] as fundamental.
** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/from-john-rawls-to-tai-ji-men-an-autobiographical-confession/ &quot;From John Rawls to Tai Ji Men: An Autobiographical Confession&quot;], ''Bitter Winter'' (February 2024)

===J===
* In the Rawlsian paradigm, such a person is likely to be a northwest European or North American with a certain way of asking and answering questions of this sort, even if deprived of self-knowledge of the more circumstantial kind. The liberalism that predictably results from such a mental experiment has always been vulnerable to the charge that it lacks purchase upon real-world challenges: it neither derives from present circumstances nor responds to past experience.&lt;br&gt;Perhaps this would not matter if the Rawlsian approach to grounding liberal thought were primarily addressed to persons of a liberal predisposition. But that would be pointless. The test of such a theorem is how effective it is at convincing persons not already so disposed. And even then, the question remains of exactly how such liberals should act when dealing with persons and societies that do not correspond to their preferences. On this Rawls is by no means silent, but he is forced to introduce external considerations that cannot be derived from the model itself.
** [[Tony Judt]], in Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder, ''Thinking the twentieth century'' (2012), Ch. 8 : Age of Responsibility: American Moralist

===K===
* To make concrete what [Rawls's] theory regards as justice, compare two of our society's worst-off. The first, a mugger who has never held a job, is vicious when he can get away with it and spends his ill-gotten gains on drugs. The second, a mother of three, has been abandoned by her husband; she earns the minimum wage at a menial job and is trying hard to raise her children well. According to what Rawls calls justice, these two are entitled to the same resources from society simply because they are among the worst-off. The mugger's viciousness and lack of effort and the mother's decency and struggle create no morally relevant difference between them. [¶] Now change the scenario a bit. The mugger continues as before, but the mother's efforts have borne fruit. She has found a better job and is doing well at it. Her family now is moderately secure and comfortable but hardly affluent. '''On Rawls's view, justice requires taking some of the mother's resources in order to give them to the mugger.''' [¶] in deeming this blatant injustice just, Rawls repudiates the conception—accepted from the Old Testament to recent times—that justice consists in giving people what they deserve: reward for good conduct and punishment for bad. [...] Rawls is explicit about his repudiation...	
** {{w|John Kekes}}, &quot;[http://www.city-journal.org/html/11_4_urbanities-dangerous.html Dangerous Egalitarian Dreams]&quot;, ''City Journal'', August 2001.

===M===
* '''One main problem in Rawl’s defense of “justice as fairness” is that Rawls believes that no one can deserve his or her advantages or assets in life—it’s all a matter of luck.''' As he puts it, “No one deserves his greater natural capacity nor merits a more favorable starting point in society.” The reason? Because even a person’s character (i.e., the virtues he or she practices that may provide him with ways of getting ahead of others) “depends in large part upon fortunate family and social circumstances for which he can claim no credit”…
** {{w|Tibor R. Machen}}, “What is Morally Right With Insider Trading,” ''Public Affairs Quarterly'', Vol. 10 (April 1996), pp.135-142.

* Rawls' notion of liberty, however, is the impoverished notion of contemporary liberals, for whom liberty consists in the expressive or lifestyle freedom to say what one wants and have sexual relations with the species of one's choice. So, for example, being subject to a 75 percent tax on one's income or being subject to the seizure of 90 percent of one's peacefully acquired property does not count at all as an abridgment of liberty. Indeed, it is not really clear that chaining the talented and energetic to their desks should, for Rawls, count as an infringement of their liberty as long as these individuals are still permitted to express their views, cast their votes, meet with their chosen sexual partners, and, perhaps, are paroled on weekends to travel to their preferred cultural events. In any case, Rawls does not view anything the modern welfare state does in the name of income redistribution as an abridgment of liberty.	
** Eric Mack, &quot;[http://www.atlassociety.org/print/689 Blind Injustice]&quot;, ''Navigator'', July/August 2001

===N===
* When we make that basic criticism, however, we are not only following Rawls's methodological suggestion - that we search for reflective equilibrium by holding up theoretical alternatives to our own considered judgments, in Socratic fashion. We are also bringing one deep part of Rawls's own conception to bear against another, saying that the contract doctrine may not do full justice to the idea that each person has an inviolability based upon justice. Even in moving away from Rawls, we are fully engaged with him. Surely that is a sign of his work's depth and enduring significance.
** [[Martha Nussbaum]], &quot;The Enduring Significance of John Rawls&quot;, ''The Chronicle of Higher Education'' (20 July 2001)

===S===
* Rawls’s analysis of fairness, justice, institutions and behaviour has illuminated our understanding of justice very profoundly and has played – and is still playing – a hugely constructive part in the development of the theory of justice. But we cannot make the Rawlsian mode of thinking on justice into an intellectual ‘stand-still’. We have to benefit from the richness of the ideas we have got from Rawls – and then move on, rather than taking a ‘vacation’. We do need ‘justitia’, not ‘justitium’.
** [[Amartya Sen]], ''[[The Idea of Justice]]'', Ch. 2. Rawls and Beyond

* Rawls's work, for better or worse, is not inspired by this kind of epic ambition. His very modesty and lack of speculative curiosity are what exclude him from the ranks of the great philosophers. Rawls is not an [[Isaiah Berlin]] with his anguished sense of the conflict of goods which besets human life; nor is he a [[Leo Strauss]] with his vivid awareness of the forces of persecution with which philosophy has always to contend; nor is he a [[Michael Oakeshott]] with his diagnosis of the dangers posed by excessive rationalism to the goals of a free society. Rawls is a philosopher for our time. His desire is to render both theoretically and practically legitimate the redistributivist policies of the prosperous North Atlantic welfare states. There is already more than a whiff of nostalgia about this project. This is by no means a contemptible goal, but it is well to remember that this project of rationalization is one — but only one — way in which philosophy can be practiced.
** Steven M. Smith, &quot;The Philosopher of Our Times&quot;, ''The New York Sun'' (May 11, 2007)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

* [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/rawls/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy Entry on John Rawls by Leif Wenar]
* [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/original-position/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy Entry on Original Position by Fred D'Agostino]
* [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/reflective-equilibrium/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy Entry on Reflective Equilibrium by Norman Daniels]

{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rawls, John}}
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[[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Young Frankenstein</title>
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      <text bytes="13906" sha1="0wch4mjxek7lhnjyxtl6qfomcj8apkm" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[She begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk... undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster]'' Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class... is... dismissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... &quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk... perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': [[w:Ovaltine|Ovaltine]]?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Frodrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words…his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[To Igor]'' Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[Crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[Shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you saying... ''[Stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[Puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... ''[Grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA'''''?!?!?! ''[Strangling Igor]'' ''IS '''THAT''' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[To the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh... mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[Turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[Sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Hello, handsome! ''[The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! ''[The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
:''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]''
:'''Inga''':'' [gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts. Singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607140</id>
      <parentid>3607138</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:00:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Inga */</comment>
      <origin>3607140</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13902" sha1="hwrfe9tzfngp3zsn9ds1h4i1a2rp05x" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk... undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster]'' Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class... is... dismissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... &quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk... perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': [[w:Ovaltine|Ovaltine]]?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Frodrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words…his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[To Igor]'' Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[Crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[Shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you saying... ''[Stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[Puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... ''[Grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA'''''?!?!?! ''[Strangling Igor]'' ''IS '''THAT''' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[To the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh... mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[Turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[Sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Hello, handsome! ''[The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! ''[The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
:''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]''
:'''Inga''':'' [gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts. Singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>hwrfe9tzfngp3zsn9ds1h4i1a2rp05x</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607141</id>
      <parentid>3607140</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:01:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Inspector Kemp */</comment>
      <origin>3607141</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13901" sha1="8yqsa5yt7o85wmaaal1xfpxclz7g4hi" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster]'' Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class... is... dismissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... &quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk... perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': [[w:Ovaltine|Ovaltine]]?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Frodrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words…his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[To Igor]'' Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[Crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[Shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you saying... ''[Stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[Puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... ''[Grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA'''''?!?!?! ''[Strangling Igor]'' ''IS '''THAT''' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[To the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh... mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[Turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[Sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Hello, handsome! ''[The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! ''[The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
:''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]''
:'''Inga''':'' [gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts. Singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>8yqsa5yt7o85wmaaal1xfpxclz7g4hi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607142</id>
      <parentid>3607141</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:02:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="13967" sha1="reta972pdcaklhdxcrto04ythibwy2n" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class... is... dismissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... &quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk... perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': [[w:Ovaltine|Ovaltine]]?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Frodrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words…his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[To Igor]'' Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[Crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[Shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you saying... ''[Stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[Puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... ''[Grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA'''''?!?!?! ''[Strangling Igor]'' ''IS '''THAT''' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[To the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh... mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[Turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[Sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Hello, handsome! ''[The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! ''[The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
:''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]''
:'''Inga''':'' [gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts. Singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607144</id>
      <parentid>3607142</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:04:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Frankenstein's Monster */</comment>
      <origin>3607144</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13969" sha1="qj7e4pwf27pqg6kd1nouwiz3dhad9wn" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class... is... dismissed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... &quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk... perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No... thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': [[w:Ovaltine|Ovaltine]]?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Frodrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words…his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[To Igor]'' Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[Crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[Holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[Shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you saying... ''[Stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[Puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... ''[Grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA'''''?!?!?! ''[Strangling Igor]'' ''IS '''THAT''' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[To the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh... mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[Turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[Sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Hello, handsome! ''[The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! ''[The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
:''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]''
:'''Inga''':'' [gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts. Singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>qj7e4pwf27pqg6kd1nouwiz3dhad9wn</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607166</id>
      <parentid>3607144</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:23:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607166</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14048" sha1="6ggerrc1vn9plpcof652ok4en852qe9" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
* Put...the candle...back!
* From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!,&quot; our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>6ggerrc1vn9plpcof652ok4en852qe9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607174</id>
      <parentid>3607166</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:29:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607174</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13236" sha1="rb9ljugbxktwucamcqv1rl5ks9lhf8w" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>rb9ljugbxktwucamcqv1rl5ks9lhf8w</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607175</id>
      <parentid>3607174</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:31:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607175</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14431" sha1="r4do8cukrbbyzar4a2isif9fkurwyrd" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607178</id>
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      <text bytes="14267" sha1="gmq0jg43owwdg5bcnx65341j994h5kc" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607180</id>
      <parentid>3607178</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:33:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607180</origin>
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      <text bytes="14449" sha1="ksrcwo5rjq6s1n6zrggtfgqxdk9nkqy" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Inspector Kemp ==
* A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>ksrcwo5rjq6s1n6zrggtfgqxdk9nkqy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607184</id>
      <parentid>3607180</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:34:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607184</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14343" sha1="375l5nl2w3su3p5bkzwkhvpcpwfo7ml" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607185</id>
      <parentid>3607184</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:34:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
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      <origin>3607185</origin>
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      <text bytes="14467" sha1="eje3rys23u1uldc8xasbtyfpjyx1jmp" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Elizabeth ==
* ''[after sex with The Monster, who leaves when following the sound of the violin]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>eje3rys23u1uldc8xasbtyfpjyx1jmp</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607186</id>
      <parentid>3607185</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:36:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607186</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14160" sha1="q5vwbai1sp5ywg03peuii2cmcvpsak2" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607187</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:37:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="14455" sha1="c5ldgm978txn54iyzmlxpcwjq3cxyti" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Frankenstein's Monster ==
* UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! ''[&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
* For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607194</id>
      <parentid>3607187</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:49:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
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      <text bytes="13765" sha1="qq1th878vtvfnyhfp4tab3iw53ijcvd" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>qq1th878vtvfnyhfp4tab3iw53ijcvd</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607195</id>
      <parentid>3607194</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:50:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607195</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15500" sha1="f2jdppp1vboch1pjn5msvr54w5dftzg" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments]''
:'''Monster''': ''[using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607199</id>
      <parentid>3607195</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:52:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
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      <text bytes="15500" sha1="n7cc7x6w47y78g9443aqbw3k5npaoro" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments]''
:'''Monster''': ''[using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607201</id>
      <parentid>3607199</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:53:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <origin>3607201</origin>
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      <text bytes="15518" sha1="40pnkkbd5o2mynd4gwbllwq2fax1rja" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments]''
:'''Monster''': ''[using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
      <sha1>40pnkkbd5o2mynd4gwbllwq2fax1rja</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607202</id>
      <parentid>3607201</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:54:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.90.183.138</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607202</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15536" sha1="ggvyrfkkqbhvhgrstwyxhrfssvc8auk" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[from inside]'' Put...the candle...back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]''
:'''Elizabeth''': Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments]''
:'''Monster''': ''[using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607223</id>
      <parentid>3607202</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:56:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="15361" sha1="lv716uojy74mpqildbk8ydr28ogvnt3" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

* ''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]'' Put...the candle...back!

* ''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]'' From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

== Monster ==
* ''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments, using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Other ==
* '''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

* '''Elizabeth''': ''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Inga''': You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
:''[Outside, Igor blows the horn as the end music plays]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
[[it:Frankenstein Junior]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607224</id>
      <parentid>3607223</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:57:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607224</origin>
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'''''[[w:Young Frankenstein|Young Frankenstein]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson who, after years of living down the family reputation, inherits granddad's castle and repeats the experiments.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]] and Mel Brooks.''
{{center|'''The scariest comedy of all time!'''}}

== Dr. Frederick Frankenstein ==
* ''[dreaming]'' I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. ''[pauses]'' All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

* ''[Inga pulls the candle, but the revolving bookcase spins around, trapping Dr. Frankenstein in the process]'' Put...the candle...back!

* ''[While preparing for the creation of the creature]'' From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, &quot;I am man!&quot;, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. ''[both Igor and Inga turn the wheel, which the chains has lifted up the creature on the operating table along with him]'' Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens! We shall mock the earthquake! We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself!

== Inga ==
* Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay? ''[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]'' It's fun. ''[begins to roll in the hay]'' Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

* You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him? ''[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed; gasping]'' Oh my goodness, I don't believe... ''[emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts; singing]'' Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all! '

== Monster ==
* ''[After Igor and Inga switched Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster's brains from their bodies by using experiments, using proper English to convince Inspector Kemp and the angry mob about the situation]'' For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness, I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, '''I would instead cause fear!''' ''[looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein]'' I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

== Other ==
* '''Inspector Kemp''': A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

* '''Elizabeth''': ''[After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it]'' Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! ''[to herself]'' Oh...I think I love him.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Student''': Dr. Frank... ''[Dr. Frankenstein gives him a stern look]'' Fronkensteen.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes?
:'''Student''': Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
:'''Student''': Why the worm, sir.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
:'''Student''': But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting annoyed]'' My grandfather was a very sick man.
:'''Student''': But as a ''[air quotes]'' Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[getting more annoyed]'' You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!
:'''Student''': But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[raising voice]'' Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!
:'''Student''': But sir...
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[shouting]'' I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
:'''Medical Student''': But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': My grandfather's work was ''doodoo''! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! ''[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]'' Class...is...dismissed.
:''[The students applaud and leave the classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': Dr. Frankenstein?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': You're putting me on.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, it's pronounced &quot;Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Do you also say &quot;Froaderick&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...&quot;Frederick.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, why isn't it &quot;Froaderick Fronkensteen&quot;?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': It isn't; it's &quot;Frederick Fronkensteen.&quot;
:'''Igor''': I see.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You must be Igor.
:'''Igor''': No, it's pronounced &quot;eye-gor.&quot;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': But they told me it was &quot;ee-gor.&quot;
:'''Igor''': Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': You know, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
:'''Igor''': What hump?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inga''': Werewolf!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Werewolf?
:'''Igor''': There.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What?
:'''Igor''': There, wolf. There, castle.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Why are you talking that way?
:'''Igor''': I thought you wanted to.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No, I don't want to.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Suit yourself. I'm easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What knockers.
:'''Inga''': Oh, thank you, doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Frau Blücher''': Would the doctor care for a...brandy before retiring?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. Thank you.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Some varm milk...perhaps?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No...thank you very much. No thanks.
:'''Frau Blücher''': Ovaltine?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
:'''Frau Blücher''': Then I vill say...goodnight, Herr Doctor.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
:''[Horses whinny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]''
:'''Igor''': ''[singing]'' I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. ''[scatting]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor!
:'''Igor''': Froadrick!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': How did you get here?
:'''Igor''': Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just...followed it down. Call it...a hunch. ''[does a rimshot]'' Ba-dum SHI!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[reading his grandfather's work]'' &quot;The minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed. I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature.&quot; Of course, that would simplify everything.
:'''Inga''': In other words...his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Precisely.
:'''Inga''': ''[her eyes get wide]'' He vould have an enormous ''schwanzschtücker''.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[ponders this a moment]'' That goes without saying.
:'''Inga''': Woof.
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' He's going to be very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Frankenstein and Igor have just exhumed a corpse]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What a filthy job!
:'''Igor''': Could be worse.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''How?''
:'''Igor''': Could be raining.
:''[Crack of thunder, torrential rain starts]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[after failing to bring the creature to life]'' Nothing.
:'''Inga''': Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. ''[begins walking away but then runs back and starts beating up the creature; furious]'' SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!
:'''Inga''': Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]'' I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! ''[whimpers]''
:'''Igor''': ''[to the audience]'' Quiet dignity and grace. ''[rolls eyes]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Oh...mama...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Igor''': You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him. The things he'd say to me.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': What did he say?
:'''Igor''': &quot;What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
:'''Igor''': Of course.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Sit down, won't you?
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on the floor]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': No no, up here.
:'''Igor''': Thank you. ''[sits on a chair]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Now...that brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
:'''Igor''': ''[crosses arms]'' No.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[holds up hand]'' Ah. Good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I ''did'' put in?
:'''Igor''': And you won't be angry?
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': I will ''not'' be angry.
:'''Igor''': ''[shrugs]'' Abby...someone.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Abby someone? Abby who?
:'''Igor''': Abby Normal.
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Abby Normal?
:'''Igor''': I'm almost sure that was the name. ''[he and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[slowly]'' Are you saying... ''[stands]'' that I put an abnormal brain... ''[puts hand on Igor's hump; increasingly angry]'' into a 7 and a half foot long...54- inch wide... ''[grabs Igor by throat]'' '''''GORILLA?!?!?!''''' ''[strangling Igor]'' '''IS ''THAT'' WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
:'''Inga''': Yes, Doctor.
:'''Igor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice workin' with ya.
:''[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[panicking, turns back to the door]'' Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. ''[turns to the Monster, then back to the door]'' What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? ''[sarcastically]'' HA HA HA! ''[begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell]'' Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! '''MOMMY!!!'''
:'''Frau Blucher''': ''[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell]'' ''Nein!''
:''[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': ''[turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]'' Hello, handsome! ''[the Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed]'' You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because...they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You...are...GOOD! ''[the Monster starts to cry; he hugs him]'' This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
:'''Inga''': ''[from outside]'' Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?!
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''': MY NAME IS '''FRANKENSTEIN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster perform &quot;Puttin' on the Ritz&quot; in front of the audience]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to.''
: ''Why don't you go where fashion sits?''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Different types who wear a day coat.''
: ''Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper.''
: ''Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-AA UU-AA!!! [&quot;Super duper&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Frankenstein''':
: ''Come, let's mix where Rockefellers.''
: ''Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts.''
:'''Monster''': ''UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!!! [&quot;Putting On The Ritz&quot;]''
:''[They tap dance]''

== Cast ==
* [[Gene Wilder]] - Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
* [[Marty Feldman]] - Igor
* [[w:Peter Boyle|Peter Boyle]] - the Monster
* [[w:Teri Garr|Teri Garr]] - Inga
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Frau Blücher
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Elizabeth
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] - Inspector Kemp
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Herr Falkstein
* [[w:Liam Dunn|Liam Dunn]] - Mr. Hilltop
* [[w:Danny Goldman|Danny Goldman]] - Medical student
* [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Harold, The Blind Man
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Werewolf / Cat Hit by Dart / Victor Frankenstein (voice, ''uncredited'')

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0072431| title=Young Frankenstein}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=young_frankenstein| title=Young Frankenstein}}

[[Category:1974 films]]
[[Category:Comedy horror films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:Frankenstein films]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films set in castles]]

[[es:El jovencito Frankenstein]]
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  <page>
    <title>Michael Moorcock</title>
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      <comment>/* Short fiction */ added section for Elric at the End of Time</comment>
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      <text bytes="105740" sha1="jxgltlhroniva36q4ykk1o325rzvvqk" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Michael Moorcock|Michael Moorcock]]''' (born [[18 December]] [[1939]]) is a prolific British writer and editor, long known for his SF and fantasy works and now also for literary novels.

[[File:Michael Moorcock.jpg|thumb|Michael Moorcock, 2006]]

== Quotes ==

* It is almost impossible to have a baseless snobbish opinion of the General Theory of Relativity.
** ''Fantastic Metropolis'', Christmas Editorial (http://www.fantasticmetropolis.com/i/20011209/3/)

=== Short fiction ===

==== ''To Rescue Tanelorn...'' (1962) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in ''Science Fantasy'' magazine, December 1962. Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing &lt;/small&gt;

* Everything means nothing—that is the only truth.
** p. 472

* The subtlest lie of all is the full truth.
** p. 474

==== ''London Bone'' (1997) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''New Worlds'' edited by David Garnett. Page numbers from the story included in the mass market paperback edition ''[[w:Year's Best SF 3|Year's Best SF 3]]'' edited by David G. Hartwell &lt;/small&gt;

* Americans need bullshit the way koala bears need eucalyptus leaves. They’ve become totally addicted to it. They get so much of it back home that they can’t survive without it.
** p. 423

* What the local politicians actually meant was that they hoped to claim the land in the name of the public and then make the usual profits privatizing it. There was a principle at stake. They had to ensure their friends and not outsiders got the benefit.
** p. 443

==== ''The Lost Canal'' (2013) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''[[w:Old Mars|Old Mars]]'' edited by [[w:George R. R. Martin|George R. R. Martin]] and [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]]. Page numbers from the story reprinted in the trade paperback anthology ''Time Travel: Recent Trips'' edited by Paula Guran &lt;/small&gt;

* “You only need fear the bees if you’ve broken the law.” That familiar phrase was used to justify every encroachment on citizens’ liberty.
** p. 346

* There were three known existing sapphires. One was in the Conquest of Space Museum on Terra, one was in the hands of United System President Polonius Delph—he was the richest man in seven worlds, or had been until he’d paid cash for his jewel. The other had been stolen soon after its discovery. Maybe Delph had it...&lt;br&gt;“From what I understand of your world, Delph isn’t the only one who wants the sapphires. He has rivals in the Plutocracy. Another mysterious collector? Or those rivals are competing for the presidency or they think they can ruin him. As you know, it’s a vicious circle in politics. You can’t get to be president unless you have the wealth and you can’t really make massive sums until you’re president.”
** p. 355

* Wasn’t all their effort worthless? Wouldn’t it be better to accept the impossibility of their mission? He began to think Krane was mad. If there were a threat, then inevitably they would die. Death was the future of all people, all planets, all universes. Their struggle was symbolic of the futility of living creatures who fought against their own inevitable extinction. What were a few more years of existence compared to the longevity of a cosmos? In those terms, the whole history of their species lasted for less than a fraction of a second. And then, sheltering beside him under the protection of the energy equalizer, she looked up for a second, and, obscurely, he understood that the effort always would be worth it. Always had been worth it.
** p. 371

==== ''[[w:The Time Dweller|The Time Dweller]]'' (1969) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the American mass market edition, published by the Daw Books (catalogue number UE1489), first printing, September 1979 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?140 Michael Moorcock's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* “I am already late, I fear. What time is it?”&lt;br&gt;“Time? Why the present, of course.”
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 13)

* You fail to understand, my friend. We do not ''control'' time. If anything, it controls us. We simply measure it.
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 15)

* Time and Matter are both ideas. Matter makes a more immediate impression on Man, but Time’s effects are longer lasting.
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 22)

* “Your yearning, Pepin Hunchback, is not for the past as it was,” she was saying softly. “It is for a world that never existed—a Paradise, a Golden Age. Men have always spoken of such a time in history—but such an idyllic world is a yearning for childhood, not the past, for lost innocence. It is childhood we wish to return to.”
** ''Escape from Evening'' (p. 44)

* Why hadn't the dead human race realized this? It was only necessary to exist, not to be trying constantly to prove you existed when the fact was plain.&lt;br&gt;Plain to him, he realized, because he had climbed a mountain. This knowledge was his reward. He had not received any ability to think with greater clarity, or a vision to reveal the secret of the universe, or an experience of ecstasy. He had been given, by himself, by his own action, insensate peace, the infinite tranquility of ''existing.''
** ''The Mountain'' (p. 171)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Elric at the End of Time]]'' (1985) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the American mass market edition, published by the Daw Books (catalogue number UE2040), first printing, May 1985 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?140 Michael Moorcock's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

=== ''[[w:The Sundered Worlds|The Sundered Worlds]]'' (1965) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “He was a fool,” said Willow calmly to Klein. “There are many who refuse their responsibilities. Fooling themselves they search for a ‘higher ideal’. He was a fool.”&lt;br&gt;“What are responsibilities?” said Klein laconically. “He knows. Responsibility, my dear, is another word for self-interest. For survival.”&lt;br&gt;She looked at Klein uncomprehendingly.
** Chapter 4 (p. 206)

* The time has come for the dismantling of fantasies. That is already happening to our universe. Now that we have this one chance of survival we must finally rid ourselves of fantasies and seize that chance!&lt;br&gt;For centuries our race has built on false assumptions. If you build a fantasy based on a false assumption and continue to build on such a fantasy, your whole existence becomes a lie which you implant in others who are too lazy or too busy to question its truth.&lt;br&gt;In this manner you threaten the very existence of reality, because, by refusing to obey its laws, those laws engulf and destroy you. The human race has for too long been manufacturing convenient fantasies and calling them laws. For ages this was so. Take war, for instance. Politicians assume that something is true, assume that strife is inevitable, and by building on such false assumptions, lo and behold, they create further wars which they have, ostensibly, sought to prevent.&lt;br&gt;We have, until now, accepted too many fantasies as being truths, too many truths as fantasies. And we have one last chance to discover the real nature of our existence. I am prepared to take it!
** Chapter 7 (pp. 229-230)

* He existed in all the many dimensions of the multiverse. Yet he, in common with all others, was bound by the dimension of Time. He had cast off the chains of space but was tied, as perhaps all denizens of the multiverse would always be, by the imperturbable prowl of Time, which brooked no halt, which condoned no tampering with its movement, whether to slow it or to speed it.&lt;br&gt;Time, the changer, could not be changed. Space, perhaps, the material environment, could be conquered. Time, never.
** Chapter 15 (p. 290)

=== ''[[w:The Fireclown|The Winds of Limbo]] aka The Fireclown'' (1965) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Perhaps he was old and wise, perhaps he was just old.
** Chapter 4 (p. 145)

* Any forthcoming dispute was likely to be a battle between ignorance of one sort and ignorance of another.
** Chapter 4 (p. 151)

* A threat to free speech. It was marvelous how they accepted the principles of democracy and rejected them at the same time by talk of mob action!
** Chapter 4 (p. 151)

* Why ascribe meaning to all this? The further away from the fundamentals of life we go, the more we quest for their meaning. There ''is'' no meaning. It is here. It has always been here in some state. It will always be here. That is all we can ever truly know. It is all we should want to know.
** Chapter 11 (p. 210)

* Listening to the conversation, his faith in the stupidity of human nature was fully restored.
** Chapter 17 (p. 252)

* Alain left the cell, left Police Headquarters and stood for a long time by a splashing fountain, staring into the clear water and watching the darting goldfish swimming in the narrow confines of the pool. Did they understand just how narrow their little universe was? he wondered. They seemed happy enough, if fish could be happy. But if they weren’t happy, he reflected, neither were they sad. They had no tradition but instinct, no ritual but the quest for food and a mate. He didn’t envy them much.
** Chapter 17 (p. 254)

=== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Shores of Death]] aka The Twilight Man'' (1966) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The society was the nearest thing to perfection that had ever existed; vital without being violent, stable without being stagnant. This society had resulted from a number of factors, the most important being a small population served by a sophisticated technology and an equally sophisticated administrative system. The arts were alive, there was universal literacy, the philosophies flourished.
** Prologue (p. 268)

* Fear was back and with it the old terrors, the old mental aberrations, the old superstitions, the old religions. He knew the pattern. He had studied it in the text books. He knew how little power rational argument had when faced with minds turned sick by fear. He knew how quickly a cult of the kind he had seen could proliferate and dominate a society and then split internally and become several warring sects.
** Book 1, Chapter 5, “Something Ominous” (p. 302)

* “An ethic is simply a system of survival,” Velusi said. “What does an ethic mean when there is no chance of survival?”
** Book 1, Chapter 6, “Something to Hope For (p. 304)

=== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Wrecks of Time]] aka The Rituals of Infinity'' (1967) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I have never had trouble with conflicting interpretations of my work. Once the story is published, it belongs to the reader.
** Introduction (p. viii)

* Everything dies eventually—but that shouldn’t stop us enjoying life while it is there to be enjoyed.
** Chapter 6, “Klosterheim on a Mountain” (p. 49)

* “Is that what you are? An android?”&lt;br&gt;“You could find out if you made love to me.”&lt;br&gt;Faustaff smiled and shook his head. “Sweetheart, you’re just not my type.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought any young woman was your type, doctor.”&lt;br&gt;“So did I till I met you.”
** Chapter 9, “E-Zero” (p. 65)

* Orelli smiled to himself. It was a wickedly introspective smile as if he looked into his own soul and was pleased with the evil he found there.
** Chapter 12, The Petrified Palace” (p. 81)

* Magic, as far as Faustaff knew, rejected reason. Religion accepted it, of course, but hardly encouraged it. Only science accepted it and encouraged it. Faustaff suddenly saw mankind’s social and psychological evolution in a clear, simple light. Science alone accepted man as he was and sought to exploit his full potential.
** Chapter 15, “The Revels of E-Zero” (p. 96)

=== [[w:The History of the Runestaff|The History of the Runestaff]] ===

==== ''[[w:The Jewel in the Skull|The Jewel in the Skull]]'' (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “I shall not be killed!” The count smiled scornfully, as if death were something that only others suffered.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “Yisselda and Bowgentle” (p. 13)

* Do not thank me for saving your life. You do not realize yet what I have saved it for.
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Warrior in Jet and Gold” (p. 113)

==== ''[[w:The Mad God's Amulet|The Mad God's Amulet]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I would waste my rhetoric if I tried, for men are greedy and will not see the truth for the gleam of coin.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Machine” (p. 160)

* The hardest compromise to make is when you decide to ''appear'' to compromise. Often the deception becomes the reality long before you realize it.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Machine” (p. 160)

* “No denial would convince you,” D’Averc smiled, “so I will not offer you one.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Waiting Warrior” (p. 185)

==== ''[[w:The Sword of the Dawn|The Sword of the Dawn]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* For this was the great power of the Lords of the Dark Empire, that they valued nothing on all the Earth, no human quality, nothing within or without themselves. The spreading of conquest and desolation, of terror and torment, was their staple entertainment, a means of employing their hours until their spans of life were ended. For them, warfare was merely the most satisfactory way of easing their ennui...
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “The Last City” (p. 259)

* Only Bowgentle, the philosopher-poet, his old friend, had an inkling of what he meant and even then Bowgentle believed that it reflected not on the nature of the landscape but on the particular nature of Count Brass’s mind.&lt;br&gt;“You’re exhausted, disorientated,” Bowgentle would say. “The ordering mechanism of the brain is working too hard, so you see a pattern to existence that, in fact, only stems from your own weariness and disturbance...”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Flamingoes’ Dance” (p. 261)

* Wild days, wild riders, and the stink of warfare across the world!
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Elvereza Tozer” (p. 269)

* Machine-devoured, all his hours were given o’er to that insidious circuitry, and old grew he, unnoticing, in the service of his engines.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Elvereza Tozer” (p. 269)

* “I have heard it said it is often safer to dwell in the lion’s lair than outside it,” Oladahn said.&lt;br&gt;“Safer still to live in a land where there are no lions,” Count Brass retorted.
** Book 1, Chapter 9 “Interlude at Castle Brass” (p. 291)

* “I think you serve a great purpose, Hawkmoon. I think your destiny is a noble one.”&lt;br&gt;Hawkmoon laughed. “And yet I do not pine for a noble destiny—merely a secure one.”
** Book 2, Chapter 11 “The Parting” (p. 380)

==== ''[[w:The Runestaff|The Runestaff]]'' (1969) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* And then he pursed his lips in disgust. “Doubtless that was the result of supernatural interference with our brains! How I hate the supernatural!”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “A City of Glowing Shadows” (p. 406)

* Every court must have its fool, every great ideal must attract some who are motivated only by self-interest.
** Book 1, Chapter 7 “A Well-Known Traveler” (p. 413)

* “And is adventure and sensation all we should seek, Meliadus?”&lt;br&gt;“Aye—why not? All is chaos, there is no meaning to existence, there is only one advantage to living one’s life and that is to discover all the sensations the human mind and body is capable of feeling.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “Whispering in Secret Rooms” (pp. 428-429)

* It is many years since I have wielded a weapon larger than a pen, borne anything weightier than a difficult problem in philosophy.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “Five Heroes and a Heroine” (p. 467)

* “You fought well and you fought for justice.”&lt;br&gt;“Justice?” Hawkmoon called after him as he left the room. “Is there such a thing?”&lt;br&gt;“It can be manufactured in small quantities,” Fank told him. “But we have to work hard, fight well and use great wisdom to produce just a tiny amount.”
** Book 3, Chapter 17 “The Sad Queen” (p. 501)

=== [[w:The Cornelius Quartet|The Cornelius Quartet]] ===
:&lt;small&gt; All spelling as in the book. There are no chapter numbers; chapter titles are given. &lt;/small&gt;

==== ''[[w:The Final Programme|The Final Programme]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “Perhaps I should not say so, but it occasionally crosses my mind to wonder why, in all the mystic cosmologies, even in some of the modern so-called parasciences, our own age is always described as the age of chaos and contention. A comment, my logical side argues, on why people turn to mysticism. The past age was always better.”&lt;br&gt;“Childhood is the happiest time of life except when you’re a child,” said Jerry.&lt;br&gt;“I understand you. True.”
** Preliminary Data (p. 7)

* “You look ahead.”&lt;br&gt;“I look around. Ahead’s here already.”
** Phase 2 (p. 66)

* “Entropy’s setting in. Or so they say.”&lt;br&gt;“Why should that be true?”&lt;br&gt;“It’s Time—it’s all used up.”&lt;br&gt;“This is metaphysical nonsense!”&lt;br&gt;“Very likely.”
** Phase 3 (p. 122)

==== ''[[w:A Cure for Cancer|A Cure for Cancer]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The poor man has sacrificed himself for others, but he could not help resenting them from time to time.
** Ex-bank clerk slave girl in private sin palace (p. 172)

* “It’s like prostitution.”&lt;br&gt;“It’s a lot like prostitution, isn’t it?”&lt;br&gt;“You see nothing wrong…?”&lt;br&gt;“The customer’s always right.”&lt;br&gt;“And you have no,” she shuddered, “ethics?”&lt;br&gt;“I give the public what it wants, if that’s what you mean.”
** It’s a Fad, Dad! (p. 219)

* Time to be moving; moves to be timing.
** Beyond the X ecliptic (p. 314)

* Technology is potential freedom from brutality.
** Beyond the X ecliptic (p. 316)

==== ''[[w:The English Assassin: A Romance of Entropy|The English Assassin]]'' (1972) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Is there anything sadder, I wonder, than an assassin with nobody left to kill?
** The Alternative Apocalypse 1 (p. 399)

* “The schizophrenic condition finds its most glorious expression in Hinduism,” remarked Professor Hira. “Whereas Christianity is an expression of the much less interesting paranoid frame of reference. Paranoia is rarely heroic, in the mythical sense, at least.”
** The Raft (p. 538)

* From beyond the door came the sound of people at prayer, led by the droning voices of the priests. Even the plane seemed to be praying. Una went to find a parachute before they reached Windermere.
** Estimates (p. 551)

* The barbarians don’t come from outside the walls any more, do they?
** The Hill (p. 579)

==== ''[[w:The Condition of Muzak|The Condition of Muzak]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* From the ceiling came the miserable, neurotic drone of the Everly Brothers. He let it play, deepening his mood. If a mood was worth having, he thought, it was worth having profoundly.
** Need actuators that won’t freeze, burn, dry out, or boil? (p. 642)

* Stagnation’s no substitute for stability.
** Optics for defence (p. 649)

* “I’ll be seeing you,” said Jerry.&lt;br&gt;Koutrouboussis chuckled to himself. “At this rate you’ll be raising me, too.”
** The BL 755 cluster bomb (p. 652)

* How many generations need to comply in a fallacy before it becomes accepted as truth?
** The BL 755 cluster bomb (p. 652)

* “He complains that I don’t really understand the importance of it all. He thinks my loyalties are sometimes divided.” They were quite a long way behind the men. Mitzi smirked. “Of course, that’s impossible. I haven’t any loyalties at all.”
** An important message to every man and woman in America losing his or her hair (p. 681)

* Even ruin could not make it picturesque. The streets were awash with weather-stained postcards, bedraggled and muddy King Arthur tea-towels, broken plastic Holy Grails, Excaliburs carved from chalk, tiny Round Tables to hang on the wall, and polystyrene crowns. In the reign of one Elizabeth the ideal had reached perfection and, in the reign of another, it had achieved its ultimate degradation.
** BAC cools hopes of airship boom (p. 699)

* Yesterday’s underdog is tomorrow’s tyrant.
** With the flag to Pretoria (p. 738)

* “There’s more to life than drugs and sex, Mr. Cornelius.”&lt;br&gt;“There’s more than life to drugs and sex. It’s better than nothing.”
** Harlequin Invisible: or, the Emperor of China’s Court (p. 761)

* I was thinking of going into the assassination business. You know what a dreamer I am. Would it be too much of a hit and myth operation, do you think?
** Harlequin Invisible: or, the Emperor of China’s Court (p. 761)

* “I appreciate this quest for national identity,” she said, “but it does seem that most traditions were dropped for the good reason that they were revoltingly cruel and stupid.”
** The Death of Harlequin (p. 772)

* “Better the myth of happiness,” Harlequin murmured, “than the myth of despair.”
** The Mirror; or, Harlequin Everywhere (p. 786)

* Some try to understand the world, while others seek to impose their understanding on it. Unfortunately, Mr. Smiles, these latter folk are those least equipped to perform the operation. Like Frankenstein, my dear Mr. Smiles, they produce a monster.
** The Mirror; or, Harlequin Everywhere (pp. 790-791)

==== ''[[w:The Lives and Times of Jerry Cornelius|The Lives and Times of Jerry Cornelius]]'' (1976) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published by Quartet Books {{ISBN|0-704-3126-4-6}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Short stories set in the same fictional world as the novels &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Spelling, italics, and ellipsis as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* What kind of chromosomes a person has is called his genotype, and the appearance of a person is called his phenotype. Thus, males have the genotype XY and the phenotype male. Women have the genotype XX and the phenotype female.… In every war in history there must have been a considerable flow of genes one way or another. Whether the genes of the victors or of the vanquished have increased most is a debatable point. 
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 69; quoting Haig P. Papazian, ''Modern Genetics)''

* As Barrington Bayley had pointed out in his book ''Structural Dynamism,'' man was not an intelligent animal. He was an animal with intelligence that he could apply to some, not all, of his activities.
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 71)

* Irony, Lady Sue, is no substitute for imagination.
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 82)

* Sometimes he would admit that one form of superstition was as good as another, but he still preferred to rely on the forms he knew.
** ''The Sunset Perspective'' (p. 94)

* ''At last the computer had superseded the automobile as the focus for mankind’s hopes and fears.''
** ''Sea Wolves'' (p. 121)

* He realised that Law and Order were not particularly compatible.
** ''Voortrekker'' (p. 140)

* ''Time was the enemy of identity.''
** ''Voortrekker'' (p. 141)

* Her face was now a mask of moral outrage. “You talk of fashion while I speak of morality.”&lt;br&gt;It was true that Jerry had never been able to see much of a difference between the two.
** ''The Longford Cup'' (p. 153)

* Somewhere you can hear them whimpering, as if the evidence of their own mortality were emphasised by the knowledge of other people’s happiness.
** ''The Longford Cup'' (p. 155)

* “We can only be kind to one another,” she said, “there is scarcely any alternative if we are to resist chaos.”
** ''The Entropy Circuit'' (p. 166)

* To the fearful all things are chaotic. That’s how you get religion (and its bastard child, politics).
** ''The Entropy Circuit'' (p. 176)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Erekosë]] ===

==== ''[[w:The Eternal Champion (novel)|The Eternal Champion]]'' (1970) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* If the people at the top think that reaching for a gun will solve the problem, why shouldn’t the people at the bottom think the same?
** Introduction (p. viii)

* I felt sorry for him at that moment. He only wanted what every man wanted—freedom from fear, a chance to raise children with a reasonable certainty that they would be allowed to do the same, a chance to look forward to the future without the knowledge that any plans made might be wrecked forever by some sudden act of violence.
** Chapter 3 “The Eldren Threat” (p. 15)

* I stared at the water and saw the clouds reflected in it, saw them break to reveal the moon. It was the same moon I had known as John Daker. The same bland face could be made out staring down in contentment at the antics of the creatures of the planet it circled. How many disasters had that moon witnessed? How many foolish crusades? How many wars and battles and murders?
** Chapter 9 “At Noonos” (p. 50)

* It’s getting late. I must return to my ship or my men will think I’ve drowned and be celebrating.
** Chapter 10 “First Sight of the Eldren” (p. 58)

* There must be countless forms of love. Which is the form which conquers the rest? I cannot define it. I shall not try.
** Chapter 15 “The Returning” (p. 91)

* ''The problems for which I could find no solution in fact had no solution.''
** Chapter 23 “In Loos Ptokai” (p. 137)

==== ''[[w:Phoenix in Obsidian|Phoenix in Obsidian]]'' (1970) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Nothing is known for certain, Isarda. All knowledge is illusion—purpose is a meaningless word, a mere sound, a reassuring fragment of melody in a cacophony of clashing chords. All is flux—matter is like these jewels. ''(She throws a handful of gleaming gems upon the golden surface; they scatter. When the last jewel has ceased to move, she looks up at him.)'' Sometimes they fall into a rough pattern, usually they do not. So as this moment, a pattern has been formed—you and I stand here speaking. But at any moment that which constitutes our beings may be scattered again.
** Prologue (p. 321)

* Here, I thought, I had found the human race in its final stages of decadence—perverse, insouciant, without ambition. And I could not blame them. After all, they had no future.
** Book 2 “The Champion’s Road” Chapter 3 “The Lord Spiritual” (p. 354)

* ''All Empires fall,&lt;br&gt;All ages die,&lt;br&gt;All strife shall be in vain.&lt;br&gt;All Kings go down,&lt;br&gt;All hope must fail,&lt;br&gt;But Tanelorn remains—&lt;br&gt;Our Tanelorn remains...''
** Book 2 “The Champion’s Road” Chapter 5 “The Black Sword” (p. 365)

* ''Destiny’s Champion,&lt;br&gt;Fate’s fool.&lt;br&gt;Eternity’s Soldier,&lt;br&gt;Time’s Tool.''
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Epigram (p. 394)

* “I would be grateful if I was allowed to work out my own destiny for once,” I said. “For good or ill.”
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Chapter 4 “The Lady of the Chalice” (p. 416)

* Because I had sought to challenge Destiny, Destiny had taken vengeance.
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Chapter 5 “The Waking of the Sword” (p. 421)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Dragon in the Sword]]'' (1986) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Time is at once an agony of the Present, a long torment of the Past and the terrible prospect of countless Futures. Time is also a complex of subtly intersecting realities, of unguessable consequences and undiscoverable causes, of profound tensions and dependencies.
** Prologue (p. 463)

* How true it is when they say there is nothing which makes a man more furious than the discovery that he has deceived himself!
** Book 1, Chapter 4 (p. 509)

* “Evil flourishes best in disguise,” said Otto grimly. His companions nodded in assent.&lt;br&gt;“And the best disguise is simple” said the youth, Federit Shaus. “Honest patriotism. Joyful idealism.”&lt;br&gt;“You’re a cynic, lad,” von Bek smiled at him. “But sadly my own experience would support your view. Show me a man who cries ‘my country right or wrong’, and I’ll show you one who’d cheerfully murder half his own nation in the name of patriotism.”
** Book 2, Chapter 3 (p. 550)

* “Women are always underestimated by men,” said Alisaard, a note of satisfaction in her voice, “and this enables them sometimes to gather far more power to themselves than the men suspect.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 557)

* Often people fight hardest of all to preserve a delusion. And they will frequently persecute those who challenge that delusion.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 559)

* Your imagination is notoriously poor. Not everyone holds identical ambitions to your own!
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 560)

* Her smile was all pride. I had seen many like her in the past. She believed herself cleverer than she was because it suited others to let her maintain that delusion.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 561)

* By acting as they would act, we become what they are. And if we are what they are, then there is little point in resisting them!
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 564)

* Let us say that those who do insist on a hearing will be silenced soon enough. There is a monotonous pattern to the rise of tyrants which, I suppose, is reflected in the general pattern of human folly. Depressing though it is, we must accept the fact.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 (p. 568)

* They’re Mabden, of course. They are afraid of the city. Afraid of almost everything. And being permitted no weapons with which they can attack what they fear, they are reduced to what you see. It seems the Mabden can only kill or run away. Their brains are of no use to them.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 (p. 581)

* Knowledge ceases to be wisdom when one has no method for making sense or use of what one learns.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 (p. 591)

* “She is in other words a classic demagogue,” said von Bek...“It was Hitler’s secret that he could seem one thing to one group and an entirely different thing to another. That is how they rise so swiftly to power. These creatures are bizarre. They can virtually change shape and colour. They have an amophous quality and yet at the same time they have a will to dominate others which is unrelenting, almost their only consistent trait, their only reality.”
** Book 2, Chapter 9 (p. 612)

* I at least had some knowledge of the warping, mutating power of the Lords of Disorder, the supernatural entities who on John Daker’s Earth would be called Arch-Demons, the Dukes of Hell. I knew that they made use of our most treasured virtues and most honoured emotions. That they were capable of almost any illusion. And that all that was keeping them from pouring forth from their stronghold to engulf so many other Realms of the multiverse was their caution, their unreadiness or unwillingness to war against the rival power of Law. But if we humans invited them to our realms, they would come.
** Book 2, Chapter 9 (p. 613)

* “Chaos has her moods and whims, that’s all. As I told you, she cannot remain stable. It is in her nature to be forever changing.”&lt;br&gt;“While it is in the nature of Law,” Alisaard explained, “to be forever fixed. The Balance is there to ensure that neither Law nor Chaos ever gain complete ascendancy, for the one offers sterility while the other offers only sensation.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 (p. 626)

* “For years my lady made her plans. And when the time came to put them into action, how wonderfully she was able to achieve her ambitions.”&lt;br&gt;“Only because few rational people can ever begin to understand such a lust for power,” said von Bek feelingly. “There is nothing more puerile than the mind of a tyrant.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 (p. 629)

* “This is the stuff which some Nazis wished to put into our churches,” whispered von Bek. “Pagan objects of worship which they claim are the symbols of a true German religion. They are almost as anti-Christian as they are anti-Semitic. It is as if they hate every system of thought which in any way questions their own mish-mash of pseudo-philosophy and mystical claptrap!” He stared at the altar in disgust. “They are the worst kind of nihilists. They cannot even see that they destroy everything and create nothing. Their invention is as empty as any inventions of Chaos I have seen. It has no true history, no concrete substance, no depth, no quality of intellect. It is merely a negation, a brutal denial of all Germany’s virtues.”
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 637)

* I could scarcely believe that these were the men who had done so much to influence the course of my own world’s history. It now seemed obvious that all of them were drugged in some way. They were acting like silly children. And yet I suppose I should have realized that it is in the nature of all such creatures to be at heart infantile. Only children believe they can achieve enormous power over the world without paying a price for that power. And the price so often is the sanity of the one who seeks it.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 641)

* How paltry is the thing they call science. We have something far superior! We have Faith. We have a Force greater than Reason! We have a wisdom beyond mere knowledge. We have the Holy Grail itself. The Chalice of Limitless Power!
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 642; words spoken by Hitler)

* “There could be an end to all this, when the Lords of the Higher Worlds and all the machinery of cosmic mystery shall be no more. And perhaps that is why they fear mortals so much. The secret of their destruction, I suspect, lies in us, though we have yet to realize our own power.”&lt;br&gt;“And do you have a hint of what that power may be, Eternal Champion?” said Alisaard.&lt;br&gt;I smiled. “I think it is simply the power to conceive of a multiverse which has no need of the supernatural, which, indeed, could abolish it if so desired!”
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 646)

* I looked down at her shriveled corpse. It lay across that of her brother. One had represented the evil of the world, the other the good. Yet both had been defeated by pride, by ambition, by a promise of immortality.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 (p. 669)

* Indeed, to be a hero, forever at war, is to be in some ways always a child. The true challenge comes in making sense of one’s life, of imbuing it with purpose based on one’s own principles.
** Epilogue (p. 687)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Corum]] ===

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Knight of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The sentient may perceive and love the universe, but the universe cannot perceive and love the sentient.
** Prologue (p. 9)

* This is an Age of Gods, I am afraid, Master Corum. There are many, big and small, and they crowd the universe. Once it was not so. Sometimes, I suspect, the universe manages with none at all!
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Beyond the Fifteen Planes” (pp. 103-104)

* And then the full injustice of his fate struck him. Arioch bore no malice towards the Vadhagh. He cared for them no more or less than he cared for the Mabden parasites feeding off his body. He was merely wiping his palette clean of old colours as a painter will before he begins a fresh canvas. All the agony and the misery he and his had suffered was on behalf of the whim of a careless god who only occasionally turned his attention to the world that he had been given to rule.
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “The God Feasters” (p. 136)

* Everything may exist for a short while—even justice. But the true state of the universe is anarchy. It is the mortal’s tragedy that he can never accept this.
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “The God Feasters” (p. 139)

* “It is your capacity for love that makes you strong, Prince Corum.”&lt;br&gt;“And my capacity for hate?”&lt;br&gt;“That directs your strength.”
** Book 3, Chapter 8 “A Pause in the Struggle” (p. 148)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Queen of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “It has often been noted that gods could not exist without mortals and mortals could not exist without gods.”&lt;br&gt;“Yet gods, it appears,” said Corum, “can affect our destinies.”&lt;br&gt;“And we can affect theirs, can we not?”
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “What the Sea God Discarded” (p. 164)

* Such speculation leads us nowhere and everywhere, but it makes no difference to our understanding of our immediate problems.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “What the Sea God Discarded” (p. 165)

* “We are content here. None starves or goes in need of anything. There was no reason for the unrest. So we are victims of powers beyond our control, are we? I like not that—whether it be Law or Chaos. I would prefer to remain neutral…”&lt;br&gt;“Aye,” said Jhary-a-Conel. “Any thinking man does in these conflicts. Yet there are times when sides must be taken lest all that one loves is destroyed. I have never known another answer to the problem, though the taking of an extreme position will always make a man lose something of his humanity.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Lywm-an-Esh” (pp. 185-186)

* Ultimately, Chaos brings a more profound stagnation than anything it despises in law. It must forever seek more and more sensation, more and more empty marvels, until there is nothing left and it has forgotten what true invention is.
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Lake of Voices” (p. 197)

* “I could come to hate all gods,” he said.&lt;br&gt;“IT WOULD BE YOUR RIGHT. WE MUST USE MORTALS FOR ENDS WE CANNOT OURSELVES ACHIEVE.”
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Fury of Queen Xiombarg” (p. 270)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The King of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Chaos delights in creation but swiftly becomes bored with what it creates for it seeks not order or justice or constancy but sensation, entertainment. Sometimes it suits it to create something which you and I would value or find pleasure in. But it is an accident.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “The Castle Built of Blood” (p. 320)

* “It becomes so easy to believe what one wishes to believe,” Jhary said wearily. “So easy.”
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “The Castle Built of Blood” (p. 320)

* “How will the doctor fare?” Corum called. “The one who took me in.”&lt;br&gt;“He will die unless he is clever and denounces you,” Jhary told him.&lt;br&gt;“But he was a man of great intelligence and humanity. A man of science, too—of learning.”&lt;br&gt;“All the more reason for killing him, if their priesthood has its way. Superstition, not learning, is respected here.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Manor in the Forest” (p. 335)

* “You think we are in danger there?”&lt;br&gt;“Danger? It depends what you regard as dangerous. Some wisdom may be dangerous to one man and not to another.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Conjunction of the Million Spheres” (pp. 379-380)

* Mortal, I make no bargains, I obey no laws save the one of which you have already learned. I care not for Law nor for Chaos nor for the Cosmic Balance. Kwll and Rhynn exist for the love of existence and nothing else and we do not concern ourselves with the illusory struggles of petty mortals and their pettier gods. Do you know that you dream of these gods—that you are stronger than they—that when you are fearful, why then you bring fearsome gods upon yourselves? Is this not evident to you?
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Conjunction of the Million Spheres” (p. 384)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Bull and the Spear]]'' (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Mortals and gods come and go, but nature remains.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 “Over the Water to Hy-Breasail” (p. 67)

* The man called himself a wizard, but Corum would have called him a philosopher, someone who enjoyed exploring and discovering the secrets of nature.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 “Over the Water to Hy-Breasail” (p. 69)

* “I am dead,” said Corum, “and would be grateful if you would allow me to be dead in peace.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Ice Phantoms” (p. 96)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Oak and the Ram]]'' (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* He wondered if, in achieving such a noble way of life, a people became automatically vulnerable to destruction by those who had not achieved it. If so, it was an irony of cosmic proportions.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “The Meeting of the Kings” (p. 125)

* Can we break such a law? If we do break our ancient laws, are our customs worth fighting for?”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Treasure Brought by King Fiachadh” (p. 129)

* “The fate of sentient life itself sometimes seems to me to be at stake. Yet do I fear? No, I think not. I place no special value upon sentience. I’d as cheerfully become a tree!”&lt;br&gt;“Who’s to say they are not sentient?” Corum smiled as he set a pan upon the fire and began to lay strips of meat in the slowly boiling water.&lt;br&gt;“Well, then, a block of marble.”&lt;br&gt;“Again, we do not know…” Corum began, but Jhary cut him short with a snort of impatience.&lt;br&gt;“I’ll not play such childish games!”&lt;br&gt;“You misunderstand me. You have touched on a subject I have been considering only lately, you see. I, too, am beginning to realize that there is no special value to being, as it were, able to think. Indeed, one can see many disadvantages. The whole condition of mortals is created by their ability to analyze the universe and their inability to understand it.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Lands Where the Fhoi Myore Rule” (p. 142)

* “The whole question of morality…”&lt;br&gt;“Is as nothing when one’s stomach rumbles,” said Jhary.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Lands Where the Fhoi Myore Rule” (p. 143)

* There are those who have an interest in using legends and superstitions for their own ends. They cherish such notions not for their own sake but for the use to which they can be put. Poor, wretched people who cannot love life seek for something beyond life, something they prefer to regard as better than life. And, as a result, they corrupt the knowledge they discover and, in turn, associate their own weaknesses with this knowledge—at least, in the minds of others like myself.&lt;br&gt;“But the knowledge you have brought us, Corum—that extends our appreciate of life. You speak of a variety of worlds where mankind flourishes. You offer us information which brings light to our understanding, where the corrupt and the lost speak only of mysteries and dark superiorities and seek to elevate themselves in their own eyes and the eyes of their fellows.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 “The Place of Power” (p. 216)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Sword and the Stallion]]'' (1974) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “What a great power women have,” he said. “I have recently been speaking with Ilbrec of magic, but the greatest magic of all is in the kiss of a woman.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “A Red Sword is Lifted” (p. 242)

* “We fight for our beliefs, Queen Medhbh,” said Amergin, “just as much as we fight for our lives. We must continue to conduct our affairs according to those beliefs. If we do not then we have no justification for living. Let us question these people fairly and listen to their answers before we judge them innocent or guilty.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “That Which Goffanon Stole from Sactric”  (p. 318)

* “Once such a strength of illusion is introduced into a world,” said Goffanon, “then it is hard to be rid of it. It will cloud the Mabden minds for many millennia to come. I know that I am right.”
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “The Power of Craig Dôn”  (p. 331)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Oswald Bastable]] ===

==== ''[[w:Warlord of the Air|The Warlord of the Air]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* As I suggested to John Major (a British Prime Minister) when he told us that socialism was dead, he should not be too triumphant. After all, until his predecessor Mrs Thatcher revived it, we thought feudalism pretty much over and done with, too.
** Introduction (p. vi)

* Paternalism and centralism, the bane of capitalist as well as socialist politics, are for me the permanent enemy of democracy.
** Introduction (p. vi)

* It’s what they call a “theocracy”—priest-ridden in the extreme, full of dark superstitions and darker myths and legends, where all gods and demons are honoured, doubtless to be on the safe side. The people are cruel, ignorant, dirty and proud—they look down their noses at all other races.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Temple at Teku Benga” (p. 14)

* “Like most fanatics,” I pointed out coolly, “you share at least one characteristic with children—you want everything ''now.'' All improvements take time. You cannot make the world perfect overnight. Things are considerably better for more people today than they were in my—in the early years of this century, for instance.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “General O. T. Shaw” (p. 92)

* Tyrants hate original thinking.
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Chi’ng Che’eng Ta-Chia” (p. 106)

* The conqueror always assumes that his moral superiority—rather than his ferocious greed—is what has allowed him to triumph.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Coming of the Air Fleets” (p. 121)

* “I was wondering what made a decent English army officer turn into a desperate revolutionist overnight,” I smiled.&lt;br&gt;“It happens to many like that,” he said. “I have seen them. But you have to show them so ''much'' injustice first... Nobody wants to believe that the world is cruel—or that one’s own kind are cruel. Not to know cruelty is to remain innocent, eh? And we should all like to remain innocent. A revolutionist is a man who, perhaps, fails to keep his innocence but so desperately wants it back that he seeks to create a world where all shall be innocent in that way.”
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “Project NFB” (p. 135)

* In an infinite universe, all may become real sooner or later. Yet it is always up to mankind to make real what it really wishes to be real.
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “Project NFB” (p. 135)

==== ''[[w:The Land Leviathan|The Land Leviathan]]'' (1974) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The soldier shook his head, waxing philosophical. “It’s a madness, sir. We’ve all got it. It could go on until the last human being crawls away from the body of the chap he’s just bashed to bits with a stone. That’s what war is, sir—madness. You don’t think about what you’re doing. You forget, don’t you—you just go on killing and killing.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Dream—and the Nightmare—of the Chilean Wizard” (p. 187)

* “Violent men believe only in such concepts as ‘weakness’ and ‘cowardice’. They are so deeply cynical , so rooted in their own insane beliefs, that they cannot even begin to grasp the concept of ‘pacifism’.”
** Book 1, Chapter 6 “A Haven of Civilization” (p. 214)

* There is less danger, gentlemen, in living according to a set of high moral principles than most politicians believe.
** Book 1, Chapter 6 “A Haven of Civilization” (p. 214)

* “You have no proof of this,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“No. But a theory must be tested to be ''dis''proved, Mr Bastable.”
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “A Decision in Cold Blood” (p. 233)

* It is the spirit of Salem—the corrupting influence of Puritanism which in itself is perversion of the Stoic ideal—infecting what remains of a nation which could have set an example to the world.
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “A Decision in Cold Blood” (p. 233)

* Gandhi had been right. There was only one way to behave, even if it seemed, in the short term, against one’s self-interest. Surely it was in one’s self-interest in the long term to exhibit generosity, humanity, kindness and a sense of justice to one’s fellow men. It was cynicism of Beesley’s kind which had, after all, led to the threatened extinction of the whole human race. There could be no such thing s a “righteous” war, for war was by its very nature an act of injustice against the individual, but there could be such a thing as an “unrighteous” war—an evil war, a war begun by men who were utterly corrupt, both morally and intellectually. I had begun to think that it was a definition of those who would make war—that whatever motives they claimed, whatever ideals they promoted, whatever “threat” they referred to, they could not be excused—because of their actions they could only be of a degenerate and immoral character.  
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Triumphant Beast” (p. 262)

==== ''[[w:The Steel Tsar|The Steel Tsar]]'' (1981) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* It’s all a question of power and rarely a question of justice.
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “The Message” (p. 324)

* The captain seemed mad. Perhaps he did not enjoy his trade. Many soldiers did not, when real warfare developed.
** Book 1, Chapter 10 “Lost Hopes” (p. 336)

* I knew that it was human nature which lay at the root of History and that no matter where I found myself I was bound to discover superficial similarities expressing and exemplifying that nature. It was human idealism and human impatience and human despair which continued to produce these terrible wars. Human virtues and vices, mixed and confused in individuals, created what we called “History”. Yet I could see no way in which the vicious circle of aspiration and desperation might ever be broken. We were all victims of our own imagination.
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Camp on Rishiri” (p. 339)

* “To me politics is just a matter of getting the engineering right. If you have a machine which functions properly without much attention, then it’s obviously a good machine. That’s what politics should be about. And if the machine has simple working parts which any layman can understand, then it’s, as it were, your democratic machine. Am I right or am I wrong?”&lt;br&gt;“Crazy,” said Makhno, and scratched his nose.&lt;br&gt;“What?”&lt;br&gt;“You’re not right or wrong. You’re crazy.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Camp on Rishiri” (p. 342)

* I have learned from my experiences that hatred and racial antagonism can be manufactured by the politicians of any one country against any other, so I was no longer the patriot I had been.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “Back in Service” (p. 350)

* Socialists are always quarreling amongst themselves, because of the strong element of messianism in their creeds.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “Back in Service” (p. 353)

* This could be the beginning of Civil War. There is no kind more distressing, no kind which so rapidly describes the pointlessness of human killing human. I have been fated, for a reason I cannot comprehend or for no reason at all, to witness the worst examples of insane warfare (and all warfare, it seems to me now, is that) and having to listen to the most ridiculous explanations as to its “necessity” from otherwise perfectly rational people, I have long since become weary, Moorcock, of the debate. If I appear to you to be in a more reconciled mood than when your grandfather first met me it is because I have learned that no individual is responsible for War—that we are all, at the same time, individually responsible for the ills of the human condition. In learning this, (and I am about to tell you how I learned it) I also learned a certain tolerance for myself and for others which I had never previously possessed.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 359)

* “We are still ruled, in some ways, by our Church. We are a people more cursed by religion and its manifestations and assumptions than any other. The Steel Tsar, with his messianic socialism, offers us religion again, perhaps. You English have never had quite the same need for God. We have known despair and conquest too often to ignore Him altogether.” He shrugged. “Old habits, Mr Bastable. Religion is the panacea for defeat. We have a great tendency to rationalize our despair in mystical and utopian terms.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 361)

* “Petersburg socialism seems cold to the likes of our Cossacks, who would rather worship personalities than embrace ideas.”&lt;br&gt;I shared his irony. “You make them sound like Americans.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 361)

* “Are you trying to talk peace terms?”&lt;br&gt;“I’ve given that up,” said Makhno. “It doesn’t appear to work. You mention peace and everyone tries to shoot you or jail you.”
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “A Question of Attitudes” (p. 368)

* Unlike so many politicians or military leaders they made no attempt to justify their mistakes, to cling to power. For them power held enormous responsibility and was merely invested in them temporarily.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “A Question of Attitudes” (p. 370)

* Like so many fanatics, he possessed an appalling streak of timidity and terror which feared all that was not absolutely familiar. As his power increased, he would doubtless attempt to destroy anything that made him anxious.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 384)

* Light suddenly caught the steel of his helmet and made it burn like the face of some mighty fallen angel. It could have been the face of Lucifer himself. I felt then that he was perfectly capable of destroying the whole world without a shred of remorse if he believed that he could not, himself, go on living. Such creatures, I remember thinking, have always dwelt among us. They would reduce the multiverse to ash, if they could. Why, I agonized, can we not recognize them and stop them before they achieve so much power? A tiny part of the human race was responsible for the misery of the majority.&lt;br&gt;I thought again of the injustices which we ourselves casually perpetrated and I wondered how we should ever set anything to rights while we continued to allow such vast discrepancy, so much at odds with the religious and political principles we claim as our daily guides.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 386)

* I understood that it was only the very best in us, our capacity for love and self-respect, that enabled us to survive in a perpetually fragmenting multiverse. Only our deepest sense of justice allowed us to remain sane and relish the wonders of chaotic Time and Space, to be free at least of fear. Further violence would bring only an endless chain of bloodshed and an inevitable descent of our race into bestiality and ultimate insentience. To survive, we must love.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (pp. 388-389)

* It remained difficult for me to understand how some people are simply born mentally deformed, lacking all the natural moral restraints and imagination which dictate the actions of most of us, however partially. Such creatures have learned from childhood to ape the appropriate sentiments when it suits them, to charm or bully their opponents, to agree to anything, to tell any lie and to pursue their own ends with implacable determination.&lt;br&gt;“Such men and women are the true aliens amongst you and it is ironic how frequently we come to rule you. We use your very best instincts and deepest emotions against you. We convince you that we alone can satisfy your need for security and comfort and then we drain you dry of everything save perpetual terror. Ha, ha, ha!”
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 389)

* “You were both catalysts,” Mrs Persson told me, “no more than that. Do you still not realize your error? No individual can claim so much personal guilt. It is madness to do so. We are ''all'' guilty of supporting the circumstances, the self-deceptions, the misconceptions and misinformation which lead to War. Every lie we tell ourselves brings an evil like the destruction of Hiroshima closer. We drown in our lies.”
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 394)

* But we are all victims, Captain Bastable, just as in other ways we are all aggressors. At root we are victims to the comforting lies we tell ourselves, of our willingness to shift moral responsibility onto leaders, organized religion—onto a deity or a race, if all else fails. Onto God, onto politicians, onto creatures from other planets. It is always the same impulse, to refuse responsibility. If we do not take responsibility for our own actions, ultimately we perish.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 395)

* It’s in the nature of a good despot to say anything that will convince someone to do as he wishes. Only when he does not need them does he really say what he thinks. And by that time, of course, because he has no need of them, they are usually as good as dead. The secret of becoming a successful tyrant lies in an early ability to be all things to all people.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 397)

* “Oh, I believe very much in cause and effect,” she said, “but not in the linear sense. Every action has a proliferation of consequences. We can’t remain alive without being responsible for thousands of actions and their consequences. We simply have to live with that fact and decide, morally if you like, how to formulate a civilized, secure environment for ourselves. So far we haven’t succeeded.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 410)

* Here the idea of God has been replaced by the idea of the Future. The two notions are, admittedly, all but identical in the way in which they are self-contradictory and thus always fundamentally confusing to their worshippers, who must look to priests for translation, and so inevitably the priests (or whatever they call them) gradually take power...
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 413)

* I realized I was fulfilling mankind’s greatest dream—to fly like a bird, as naturally and as joyously as if the air were our familiar habitat.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 419)

* She was grumbling. “The least he could have done was drop us near a town. Although in these parts they’d probably burn us as witches before asking any questions.” She shuddered. “I’m an awful snob about peasants, I’m afraid.”&lt;br&gt;I mentioned dryly that I thought those of her political persuasion had some sort of egalitarian duty to resist such prejudice. “Egalitarianism isn’t about prejudices,” she said, “it’s about equal shares of power. It’s the only means we have of steering some sort of even course through a future which is forever, by the very nature of the multiverse, unguessable. We have only institutions and a crude, fragile kind of democracy standing between us and absolute Chaos. That is why we must value and protect those institutions. And be forever reexamining them.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 419)

* What good is a martyr, Captain Bastable? A martyr shows us the power of faith. But what if that faith is misinformed? While people believe in heroes and the magic power of an individual to save them from the human condition, they will never be free.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 422)

* “We are all guilty,” he said. “We are all innocent. Only when we accept responsibility for our own actions do we become free. And only when every one of us accepts their share of responsibility will the world become safe for us all.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 422)

* Violence creates nothing but violence, no matter what we call it and what the excuse. And so it goes, down all the centuries.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 423)

=== [[w:Elric of Melniboné|The Elric Cycle]] ===

:&lt;small&gt; Note that the books are presented in internal chronological order, rather than in order of publication. &lt;/small&gt;

==== ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné (novel)|Elric of Melniboné]]'' (1972) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* There is, in my view, a level at which the hero can become faintly ridiculous, often because he never fundamentally questions the rules. For instance, John Wayne’s characters were always basically in favor of old-fashioned paternalism, no matter how much they pretended to be rugged individualists.&lt;br&gt;Later, I became fascinated by the kind of book examining the myths which make such heroes attractive ''(Lord Jim,'' for instance) and came to understand that there is a level at which the heroic ideal can be used as a mere manipulative propaganda designed for instance to make young women sacrifice their futures in unjust marriages or young men sacrifice their lives in unjust wars.
** Introduction (pp. vii-viii)

* If he wished he could resurrect the Dragon Isle’s former might and rule both his own land and the Young Kingdoms as an invulnerable tyrant. But his reading has also taught him to question the uses to which power is put, to question his motives, to question whether his own power should be used at all, in any cause. His reading has led him to this “morality”, which, still, he barely understands.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “A Melancholy King: A Court Strives to Honour Him” (p. 7)

* How the weak hate weakness.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Riding Through the Morning: A Moment of Tranquility” (p. 17) 

* “Has Fate been thwarted?”&lt;br&gt;“Fate is never thwarted. What has happened has happened because Fate willed it thus—if, indeed, there is such a thing as Fate and if men’s actions are not merely a response to other men’s actions.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Riding Through the Morning: A Moment of Tranquility” (p. 17)

* ''But beware of gods Elric. Beware of the Lords of the Higher Worlds and remember that their aid and their gifts must always be paid for.''
** Book 2, Chapter 1 ”The Caverns of the Sea-King” (p. 42)

* But regret was useless now, so he forgot it.
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “Through the Shade Gate” (p. 93)

* Destiny can contain a few extra threads in her design and still accomplish her original aims.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “Two Black Swords” (p. 114)

* And upon those three lies was Elric’s destiny to be built, for it is only about things which concern us most profoundly that we lie clearly and with profound conviction.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Pale King’s Mercy” (p. 118)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Fortress of the Pearl]]'' (1989) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “It takes little intelligence to draw the obvious conclusion...”&lt;br&gt;“Especially if one is blessed with only the barest information concerning other lands and peoples.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Pearl at the Heart of the World” (p. 138)

* The albino reflected on the power of the human mind to build a fantasy and then defend it with complete determination as a reality.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Pearl at the Heart of the World” (p. 139)

* “If your people spent less time maintaining their own devalued myths about themselves and more upon studying the world as it is I think your city would have a greater chance of surviving. As it is, the place is crumbling beneath the weight of its own degraded fictions. The legends which offer a race their sense of pride  and history eventually become putrid...”&lt;br&gt;“We are unconcerned with matters of philosophy,” Manag Iss said with evident poor temper. “We do not question the motives or the ideas of those who employ us. That is written in our charters.”&lt;br&gt;”And therefore must be obeyed!” Elric smiled. “Thus you celebrate your decadence and resist reality.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 159; the ellipsis represents a one-sentence elision of description)

* Here information and philosophies were exchanged, together with all manner of goods. This was a court whose energies were not devoted to maintaining itself unchanged for eternity, but to every kind of new idea and lively, humane discussion, which welcomed fresh thought not as a threat to its existence but as a very necessity to its continued well-being, whose wealth was devoted to experiment in the arts and sciences, to supporting those who were needy, to aiding thinkers and scholars. The Bright Empire’s brightness would come no longer from the glow of putrefaction but from the light of reason and good will.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 160)

* This was Elric’s dream, more coherent now than it had ever been. This was his dream and it was why he traveled the world, why he refused the power which was his, why he risked his life, his mind, his love and everything else he valued, for he believed that there was no life worth living that was not risked in pursuit of knowledge and justice. And this was why his fellow countrymen feared him. Justice was not obtained, he believed, by administration but by experience. One must know what it was to suffer humiliation and powerlessness; at least to some degree, before one could entirely appreciate its effect. One must give up power if one was to achieve true justice. This was not the logic of Empire, but it was the logic of one who truly loved the world and desired to see an age dawn when all people would be free to pursue their ambitions in dignity and self-respect.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 160)

* We set high store by prophecies here in the desert. It seems that our longing for help might have coloured our reason.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Dreamthief’s Pledge” (p. 181)

* We have a scanty notion of justice and the obligations of rule involve little more than inventing new terrors by which we may cow and control others. Power, I think, is a habit as terrible as the potion I must now sip in order to sustain myself. It feeds upon itself. It is a hungry beast, devouring those who would possess it and those who hate it—devouring even those who own it.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Dreamthief’s Pledge” (p. 183)

* He gasped as he stepped forward to peer at them, observing living faces, eyes which were undying, lips frozen in expressions of terror, of anguish, of misery. They were like so many flies in amber.&lt;br&gt;“That’s the unchanging past, Prince Elric,” said Oone. “That’s the fate of those who seek to reclaim their lost beliefs without first experiencing the search for new ones.”
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Of Beauty Found in Deep Caverns” (pp. 215-216)

* They blinded themselves to the obvious. That is the great triumph of mindless need over intelligence and the human spirit.
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Of Beauty Found in Deep Caverns” (p. 216)

* I now know that legends in themselves have no power. The power comes from the uses that the living make of the legend. The legends merely represent an ideal.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 “The Destruction in the Fortress” (p. 260)

* “Fate is cruel, Oone. It would be better if it provided us with one unaltering path. Instead it forces us to make choices, never to know if those choices were for the best.”&lt;br&gt;“We are mortals,” she said with a shrug. “That is our particular doom.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Celebrations at the Silver Flower Oasis” (p. 267)

* Everything you have done, my nobles, has been stupid. You have been cruel, greedy, careless of others’ lives and wills. You have been blind, thoughtless, provincial and unimaginative. It seems to me that a government so careless of anything but its own gratification should be at very least replaced.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “Certain Matters Resolved in Quarzhasaat” (p. 280)

==== ''[[w:The Sailor on the Seas of Fate|The Sailor on the Seas of Fate]]'' (1976) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “We are fated,” he said. “We have little free will, for all we deceive ourselves otherwise. If we perish or live through this venture, it will not count for much in the overall scheme of things.
** Book 1 “Sailing to the Future,” Chapter 3 “Some Reference to the Three Who Are One” (p. 306)

* “All this is doubtless pre-ordained. Our destinies have been linked from the first.”&lt;br&gt;“Such philosophies can lead to unhealthy fatalism,” said Terndrik of Hasghan. “Best believe our fates are our own, even if the evidence denies it.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Some Reference to the Three Who Are One” (p. 307)

* “You blame the gods, then?”&lt;br&gt;“I blame the despair that the gods brought.”
** Book 3, “Sailing to the Past,” Chapter 6 “The Jade Man’s Eyes” (p. 401)

* “Men may trust men, Prince Elric, but perhaps we’ll never have a truly sane world until men learn to trust mankind. That would mean the death of magic, I think.”
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “The Irony of It” (p. 413)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Weird of the White Wolf]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Note that in this edition the usual title for the collection is not used; instead, only the titles of the stories from which the book was composed are listed. All quotes below are from the story ''While the Gods Laugh'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “Despairingly, sometimes, I seek the comfort of a benign god, Shaarilla. My mind goes out, lying awake at night, searching through black barrenness for something—anything—which will take me to it, warm me, protect me, tell me that there is order in the chaotic tumble of the universe; that it is consistent, this precision of the planets, not simply a brief, bright spark of sanity in an eternity of malevolent anarchy.”&lt;br&gt;Elric sighed and his quiet tones were tinged with hopelessness. “Without some confirmation of the order of things, my only comfort is to accept the anarchy. This way, I can revel in chaos and know, without fear, that we are doomed from the start—that our brief existence is both meaningless and damned. I can accept, then, that we are more than forsaken, because there was never anything there to forsake us. I have weighed the proof, Shaarilla, and must believe that anarchy prevails, in spite of all the laws which seemingly govern our actions, our sorcery, our logic. I see only chaos in the world. If the book we seek tells me otherwise, then I shall gladly believe it. Until then, I will put my trust only in my sword and myself.”
** Chapter 1, “A Woman Who Would Risk Grief to Her Soul” (p. 451)

* I do not know. That is the only ''real'' truth, Shaarilla. ''I do not know.''
** Chapter 1, “A Woman Who Would Risk Grief to Her Soul” (p. 452)

* With a crash, the cover fell to the floor, sending the bright gems skipping and dancing over the paving stones.&lt;br&gt;Beneath Elric’s twitching hands lay nothing but a pile of yellowish dust.&lt;br&gt;“No!” His scream was anguished, unbelieving. “No!” Tears flowed down his contorted face as he ran his hands through the fine dust. With a groan which racked his whole being, he fell forward, his face hitting the disintegrated parchment. Time had destroyed the Book—untouched, possibly forgotten, for three hundred centuries. Even the wise and powerful gods who had created it had perished—and now its knowledge followed them into oblivion.
** Chapter 4, “Of Partings and Profits” (p. 473)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Sleeping Sorceress]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Also published under the title of ''The Vanishing Tower'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “It is a dilemma known to all men, perhaps,” Rackhir said. “At least to some degree.”&lt;br&gt;“Aye—to wonder what purpose there is to one’s existence and what point there is to purpose, even if it should be discovered.”
** Book 3 “Three Heroes With a Single Aim,” Chapter 1 “Tanelorn Eternal” (p. 92)

* “I am so weary of gods and their struggles,” he murmured as he mounted his golden mare.&lt;br&gt;Moonglum stared out into the desert.&lt;br&gt;“But when will the gods themselves weary of it, I wonder?” he said. “If they did, it would be a happy day for Man. Perhaps all our struggling, our suffering, our conflicts are merely to relieve the boredom of the Lords of the Higher Worlds. Perhaps that is why when they created us they made us imperfect.”
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “Pale Lord Shouting in Sunlight” (p. 128)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Revenge of the Rose]]'' (1991) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I am for no master nor moral persuasion. I am for myself. What your yearning soul, madam, might mistake for loyalty to person or Purpose is merely a firm and, aye, ''principled'' determination to accept responsibility only for myself and my own actions.
** Book 1 “Concerning the Fate of Empires,” Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (p. 137)

* Their glory in earthly power had brought them to decadent ruin, as it brought down all empires who gloried in gold or conquest or those other ambitions which can never be satisfied but must forever be fed.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (p. 138)

* Elric was recollecting what was best and noblest in his own people and in himself, and even as he celebrated this he mourned the self-obsessed creatures they had become, using their power merely to preserve their power and that, he supposed, was true decay...
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (pp. 144-145)

* The man is a relic, gentlemen, from an age most of us have only read about. He would have us judged by our wealth and our martial glory rather than our goodwill and tranquility of spirit.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Peculiar Geography of an Unknown Realm” (p. 167)

* There are subjects forbidden by good manners, it seems. As in many societies, I suppose, where the very fundamentals of their existence are the subject of the deepest taboos. What is this terror of reality, I wonder, which plagues the human spirit?
** Book 1, Chapter 4 “On Joining the Gypsies” (pp. 188-189)

* “Human love,” says Fallogard Phatt, turning his eyes from his vision, “it is finally our only real weapon against entropy...”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 200)

* “Intelligence and power were never the same thing,” murmurs the Rose, departing from her own train of thought for a moment. “Frequently a lust for power is nothing more than an impulse of the stupidly baffled who cannot understand why they have been treated so badly by Dame Fortune. Who can blame those brutes, sometimes? They are outraged by random Nature. Perhaps the gods feel the same? Perhaps they make us endure such awful trials because they know we are actually superior to them? Perhaps they have become senile and forget the point of their old truces?”&lt;br&gt;“You speak truth in one area, madam,” said Elric. “Nature distributes power with about the same lack of discrimination as she distributes intelligence or beauty or wealth, indeed!”&lt;br&gt;“Which is why mankind,” says Wheldrake, revealing a little of his own background, “has a duty to correct such mistakes of justice that Nature makes.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 200)

* “Be silent!” That is the perpetual admonition of Tyranny. Tyranny bellows ‘Be silent!’ even to the screams of its victims, the pathetic moans and groanings and supplications of its trampled millions.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 202)

* “One may mirror the truth or seek to assuage it,” said Elric. “Sometimes one can even try to change it...”&lt;br&gt;Wheldrake took a sudden pull on his bumper. “I was not raised to a world, sir, where truth was malleable and reality a question of what you made it. It is hard for me to hear such notions. Indeed, sir, I will admit to you that it alarms me. Not that I fail to appreciate the wonder of it, sir, or the optimism which you are, in your own way, expressing. It is just that I was born to trust and celebrate certain senses and accept that a great unchanging beauty was the order of the universe, a set of natural laws which, as it were, coincided in subtle ways with a mighty machine—intricate and complex but ultimately rational. This Nature, sir, was what I celebrated and worshipped, as other might celebrate and worship a Deity. What you suggest, sir, seems to me retrogressive. These, surely, are closer to the discredited notions of alchemy?”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 203)

* One by one, with appalling deliberation, the villages of the Gypsy Nation crawl to the edge and plunge into the abyss.&lt;br&gt;To stop is obscene. They do not know how to stop. They can only die.&lt;br&gt;Elric, too, is screaming now, as he forces his horse forward. But he screams, he knows, at the apparent inevitability of human folly, of people who can destroy themselves to honour a principle and a habit that has long since ceased to have any practical function. They are dying because they would rather follow habit than alter their course.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 207)

* Did you not tell me once that patronage of the artist was the only valuable vocation to which a prince might aspire?
** Book 2 “Esbern Snare: The Northern Werewolf,” Chapter 1 “Consequences of Ill-Considered Dealings With the Supernatural” (p. 218)

* You desire power only for that most selfish of all ends, and therefore you know no boundaries in the seeking and the gaining of it.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “In Which Old Acquaintances Are Resumed and New Agreements Reached” (p. 226)

* “In my own world, sir, sad to say, human prejudice is matched only by human folly. Not a soul claims to be prejudiced, of course, as there are few who would describe themselves as fools...”&lt;br&gt;Elric, chewing on a piece of barely palatable salt beef, remarked that this seemed a quality of a good deal of society, throughout the multiverse.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “Land at Last!” (p. 241)

* “As I believe I observed earlier,” said the albino prince to the still-cowed Gaynor, “the most powerful of beings are not necessarily the most intelligent, nor, indeed, sane, nor well-mannered. The more one knows of the gods, the more one learns this fundamental lesson...”
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “Detecting Certain Hints of the Higher Worlds” (p. 259)

* For this was the other thing that Elric knew; that to compromise with Tyranny is always to be destroyed by it. The sanest and most logical choice lay always in resistance.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “Detecting Certain Hints of the Higher Worlds” (p. 259)

* I must admit, sir, that I have modified the verses a little, to allow for the new things I have learned, so I am an unreliable source of truth, sir, save in its most fundamental sense. Like a majority of poets, sir.
** Book 3 “A Rose Redeemed; A Rose Revived,” Chapter 1 “Of Weapons Possessed of Will” (p. 270)

* “I did not say that we would not fight,” her sister said firmly, “I said that we would not resort to the building of empires. These are two distinct things.”&lt;br&gt;“I understand you, my lady,” said the albino, “and I accept the difference. I have no liking for my people’s penchant for empire-building.”&lt;br&gt;“Well, my lord, there are many other ways to achieve security.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Rituals of Blood; Rituals of Iron” (p. 285)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Bane of the Black Sword]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Note that in this edition the usual title for the collection is not used; instead, only the titles of the stories from which the book was composed are listed. The quote below is from the story ''The Stealer of Souls'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “Assassins have attempted to eliminate the trader, but unfortunately, they were not lucky.”&lt;br&gt;Elric laughed. “How disappointing, my friends. Still assassins are the most dispensable members of the community—are they not? And their souls probably went to placate some demon who would otherwise have plagued more honest folk.”
** Chapter 1, “Spurned and Spurned Again” p. 333

==== ''[[w:Stormbringer (novel)|Stormbringer]]'' (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “Thanks,” said Elric, “and what did you give in the first place for the power to summon such a demon?”&lt;br&gt;“Why, my soul, of course. But it was an old one and not of much worth. Hell could be no worse than this existence.”
** Book 1 “Dead God’s Homecoming,” Chapter 2 “A Woman of Vision” (p. 447)

* Why do we worship such a god when whim decides him so often?
** Book 1, Chapter 4 “Of Living Swords and Dead Gods” (p. 463)

* A man who can’t forget the past is a man who cannot plan for the future.
** Book 2 “Black Sword’s Brothers,” Chapter 1 “Of Alliances and Quarrels” (p. 485)

* Elric knew that in reality Chaos was the harbinger of stagnation, for though it changed constantly, it never progressed.
** Book 3, “Sad Giant’s Shield,” Chapter 3 “A Watery Summoning” (p. 545)

* Are the gods mad or are they so subtle we cannot fathom the workings of their minds?
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “What the Sea God Said” (p. 554)

* Regret is useless since it can achieve nothing.
** Book 4, “Doomed Lord’s Passing,” Chapter 1 “When the Sun Stopped” (p. 577)

* Only Law could create such perfection and, Elric thought, such perfection defeated progress. That the twin forces complemented one another was now plainer than ever before, and for either to gain complete ascendancy over the other meant entropy or stagnation for the cosmos. Even though Law might dominate the Earth, Chaos ''must'' be present, and vice versa.
** Book 4, Chapter 2 “Dark Revelations” (p. 582)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The von Bek family]] ===

==== ''[[w:The War Hound and the World's Pain|The War Hound and the World's Pain]]'' (1981) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* That evening I lit many candles and sat in the library wearing fresh linen and drinking good wine while I read a treatise on astronomy by a student of Kepler’s and reflected on my increasing disagreement with Luther, who had judged reason to be the chief enemy of Faith, of the purity of his beliefs. He had considered reason a harlot, willing to turn to anyone’s needs, but this merely displayed his own suspicion of logic. I have come to believe him the madman Catholics described him as. Most mad people see logic as a threat to the dream in which they would rather live, a threat to their attempts to make the dream reality (usually through force, through threat, through manipulation and through bloodshed). It is why men of reason are so often the first to be killed or exiled by tyrants.
** Chapter 1 (pp. 11-12)

* One can act too much in the cause of self-preservation and experience nothing fresh as a result.
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* “Could you punish a heretic?”&lt;br&gt;“Madam, I do not know what a heretic really is. The word is made much of, these days. It seems to describe anyone you wish dead.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 27)

* Scholarly men were suspect in my town. Women could not admit to scholarship at all. Men are afraid of two things in this world, it seems—women and knowledge. Both threaten their power, eh?
** Chapter 2 (p. 31)

* “In Hell you become what you fear yourself to be. In Heaven you may become what you hope yourself to be,” said Lucifer.
** Chapter 3 (p. 42)

* I said: “Then in reality I had little choice.”&lt;br&gt;“Let us say that your character has already determined your choice.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* I had always claimed to welcome the truth; yet now, in common with most of us, I was resentful of the truth because it called upon me to take an unwelcome course of action.
** Chapter 4 (p. 55)

* “I understand you now. But surely, if Lucifer is successful, we shall all be saved.”&lt;br&gt;The Wildgrave’s smile was bitter. “What logic provides you with that hope, von Bek? If God is merciful, He provides us with little evidence.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 79)

* At that moment I railed against a God who could condemn such an innocent soul to Purgatory. What had Sedenko done that was not the result of his upbringing or his religion, which encouraged him to kill in the name of Christ? It came to me that perhaps God had become senile, that He had lost His memory and no longer remembered the purpose of placing Man on Earth. He had become petulant, He had become whimsical. He retained His power over us, but could no longer be appealed to. And where was His Son, who had been sent to redeem us? Was God’s Plan not so much mysterious as impossible for us to accept: because it was a malevolent one?
** Chapter 7 (pp. 85-86)

* It had been some years since I had lost my Faith, save in my own capacity to survive a world at War, but evidently in the back of my mind there had always been some sense that through God one might find salvation. Now, as I journeyed in quest of the Holy Grail (or something identified as the Holy Grail), I not only questioned the possibility that salvation existed; I questioned whether God’s salvation was worth the earning. Again I began to see the struggle between God and Lucifer as nothing more than a squabble between petty princelings over who should possess power in a tiny, unimportant territory. The fate of the tenants of that territory did not much seem to matter to them; and even the reward of those tenants’ loyalty seemed thin enough to me.
** Chapter 8 (pp. 91-92)

* I watched him while he moved about in the nearby spinney below, bending and straightening, shaking snow from the sticks he found, and for some reason was reminded of the parable of Abraham and his son. Why should one serve a God who demanded such insane loyalty, who demanded that one deny the very humanity He was said to have created?
** Chapter 8 (p. 92)

* Again that smile of exquisite and self-congratulatory piety.
** Chapter 8 (p. 98)

* Do not speculate, Sedenko, on things for which no evidence exists. You will waste your time.
** Chapter 9 (p. 103)

* “What more could you need?”&lt;br&gt;I smiled in self-mockery. “Reassurance, I suppose.”&lt;br&gt;“That must come from your own judgment, from your own testing of your conscience. It is the only kind of reassurance worth having, as I’m sure you would agree.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 112)

* Man is a rationalizing beast, if not a rational one.
** Chapter 14 (p. 142)

* “I shall know soon.” I hesitated. “I shall know if all these adventurings, all these ordeals, have been meaningless or not. Man struggles in the belief that he can, by dint of perseverance, affect his own destiny. And all those efforts, I think, lead to nothing but ruin.
** Chapter 15 (p. 149)

* “Despair leads to many forms of thought,” said the magus, “and many kinds of action. Despair drives some to greater sanity, towards an analysis of the world as it is and what it might be. Others it drives to deep and dangerous insanity, towards an imposition of their own desires upon reality. I sympathize with your despair, Johannes Klosterheim, because it has no solace, in the end. Your despair is the worst there is to know. And yet men often look upon the likes of you and envy you, as you doubtless envy Duke Arioch, as Duke Arioch doubtless envies his master Lucifer, whom he would betray, and perhaps as Lucifer envied God. And what does God envy, I wonder? Perhaps he envies the simple mortal who is content with his lot and envies nobody.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 153)

* When he was dead I raised myself to my feet and I looked about me. Everything was still. A loneliness had come upon my soul.&lt;br&gt;There was darkness everywhere now but in the forest. And even here there were wisps of grey, as if evil crept in.&lt;br&gt;I lifted my head to the sky and I shook my fist. “Oh, I reject you. I reject your Heaven and I reject your Hell. Do as you wish with me, but know that your desires are petty and your ambitions have no meaning!”&lt;br&gt;I addressed no one. I addressed the universe. I addressed a void.
** Chapter 15 (p. 154)

* “The marvelous is of necessity a lie, a distortion. At best it is a metaphor which leads to the truth. I think that I know what causes the World’s Pain, lady. Or at least I think I know what contributes to that Pain.”&lt;br&gt;“And what would that be, Ulrich von Bek?”&lt;br&gt;“By telling a single lie to oneself or to another, by denying a single fact of the world as it has been created, one adds to the World’s Pain. And pain, lady, creates pain. And one must not seek to become saint or sinner, God or Devil. One must seek to become human and to love the fact of one’s humanity.”&lt;br&gt;I became embarrassed. “That is all I have learned, lady.”&lt;br&gt;“It is all that Heaven demands,” she said.
** Chapter 16 (p. 158)

* Can Hell and Heaven be merely the difference between ignorance and knowledge?
** Chapter 16 (p. 158)

* “So you are still our Master,” said Sabrina. She was frowning. She had come to be afraid again.&lt;br&gt;“Not so!” Lucifer turned, almost in rage. “You are your own masters. Your destiny is yours. Your lives are your own. Do you not see that this means an end to the miraculous? You are at the beginning of a new age for Man, an age of investigation and analysis.”&lt;br&gt;“The Age of Lucifer,” I said, echoing some of His own irony.&lt;br&gt;He saw the joke in it. He smiled.&lt;br&gt;“Man, whether he be Christian or pagan, must lean to rule himself, to understand himself, to take responsibility for himself. There can be no Armageddon now. If Man is destroyed, he shall have destroyed himself.”&lt;br&gt;“So we are to live without aid,” said Sabrina. Her face was clearing.&lt;br&gt;“And without hindrance,” said Lucifer. “It will be your fellows, your children and their children who will find the Cure for the World’s Pain.”&lt;br&gt;“Or perish in the attempt,” said I.&lt;br&gt;“It is a fair risk,” said Lucifer. “And you must remember, von Bek, that it is in my interest that you succeed. I have wisdom and knowledge at your disposal. I always had that gift for Man. And now that I may give it freely I choose not to do so. Each fragment of wisdom shall be earned. And it shall be hard-earned, captain.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 166)

* “Are you still afraid?” I asked her.&lt;br&gt;“No,” she said, “I am thankful. The world has been threatened too long by the extraordinary, the supernatural and the monstrous. I shall be happy enough to smell the pines and hear the song of the thrush. And to be with you, Captain von Bek.”&lt;br&gt;“The world is still threatened,” I said to her, “but perhaps not by Lucifer. I held her hand tightly.
** Chapter 18 (p. 166)

* I pray, in short, that God exists, that Lucifer brings about His own Redemption and that mankind therefore shall in time be free of them both forever: for until Man makes his own justice according to his own experience, he will never know what true peace can be.
** Chapter 18 (p. 168)

==== ''[[w:The City in the Autumn Stars|The City in the Autumn Stars]]'' (1986) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* But now the Mob’s passing whim had become the only law, as Robespierre himself would soon discover. I felt cruelly betrayed: by the Revolution, by men I had embraced as brothers, by Circumstance, and, as always, by God.
** Chapter 1 (p. 177)

* Once rich, moreover, I should again travel easily about Europe, for while in the public eye a poor radical is dangerous rogue, a rich radical is merely an eccentric gentleman!
** Chapter 1 (p. 181)

* This vast pile of natural beauty, those crags and fir trees and hovering hawks, those echoing ravines and vast tumblings of snow and earth, brought me swiftly to the understanding of my own insignificance and, indeed, the insignificance of all human struggle.
** Chapter 2 (pp. 194-195)

* “He’s vain. His vanity’s hurt by the world’s refusal to accept his remedies and become immediately Enlightened. And what does a vain man do when insulted, Sir?”...“He lashes out, Sir,” says I. “He seeks to portion blame. He fumes, Sir. He attacks. In the case before us, such is his despotic power, he kills. He kills, Sir. He wars on other nations. Mary’s blood, Sir, but this poor sphere of ours suffers more from the single, frustrated egoist than from any natural—or supernatural—misery. Your own Church’s history, Sir, illustrates my point well enough, eh? We are too frequently in the power of mad children, who rage and stamp and break Kingdoms as they break toys. They order thousands of deaths a day as if they were spoiled brats kicking at their dolls!”
** Chapter 2 (pp. 197-198; ellipsis represents a minor elision of description)

* I had sampled several such brotherhoods, including the Rosey Cross and the Orange Lodge, during the period in which I examined the Supernatural and found it not merely uninstructive but damnably dull, its members possessing nothing in the way of individual imagination and a great need to seek confirmation in numbers for the merits of miserable little madnesses....Such people as a rule were lonely, confounded misfits, attempting to alter the surrounding evidence of Nature by inventing abstractions to explain why common facts were false and ordinary reality a poor illusion.
** Chapter 3 (p. 210; ellipsis represents a minor elision of description)

* An unquestioned creed is a noose about the throat of Reason.
** Chapter 3 (p. 211)

* His stated principle is that all knowledge should be at the public disposal. He argues against the hoarding of scientific discoveries, believing that the miserly act of secretion is in itself bound to produce fear and unnecessary caution in the mind of the citizen. Superstitious destruction of the unfamiliar is its most common expression. Prince Badehoff-Fischer argues that in such matters a secret is parallel, if not identical, to a lie. Both occur because one body seeks power over another.
** Chapter 4 (p. 226)

* “It’s never ‘should’ with engineers, my old friend, but ‘how’? Have you not learned that much?”
** Chapter 4 (p. 231)

* The English, I now know, eat mashed fish and deviled sheep’s hearts to guarantee a bad digestion (and consequent irritability). It is their abominable cooking which has given them half the world as their Empire.
** Chapter 5 (p. 245)

* I had learned, after all, to trust neither religion nor politics and to put my faith in the realities of metal, wood and steam, in practical engineering, whose rules could neither be changed nor made the subject of morality, so why should I show reverence for mere antiquity?
** Chapter 5 (p. 262)

* If you were to believe all the old, degenerate German legends, there’s a Grail in every castle, a Charlemagne or an Arthur under every mound! There not a noble house without at least one werewolf offspring or a younger son who’s made a pact with the Devil, an uncle practising the profane arts of alchemy, a vampirical grandfather, a mad monk, a ruined abbey in the grounds where witches meet, an incarcerated lunatic (or heiress—or both), an infanticide or two (and a patricide), and, of course, a family ghost.
** Chapter 5 (p. 263)

* In other words, the listener’s own picture was painted in the shining coulours St Odhran provided. By seeing what they wished, they also saw what he wished them to see. “They are the Orchestra,” he had told me earlier, “and I am merely the Conductor.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 269)

* Do you know what damnation can be, Sir? It can be a state of permanent caution, making one chronically unable to risk anything, even a risk which might save one from extinction.
** Chapter 7 (p. 283)

* My instinct shouted “Conspiracy” but my head reasoned “Coincidence”.
** Chapter 8 (p. 291)

* Did God truly build and populate a small planet for His own purposes; perhaps merely to relieve His boredom?
** Chapter 8 (p. 294)

* Warlocks and witches debate to determine how to make their broomsticks fly again. But how shall they ever come together in strength? Even if your ideas had any truth, they’re so frequently, by their very character, at odds. Each claims to hold the key to the only wisdom. That’s where natural philosophers, who do not ''impose'' what they need to believe (or at least not so readily!) upon the world, but ''analyze'' what they see, have the strong advantage.
** Chapter 9 (p. 310)

* Destiny was apparently a word describing an individual’s desperate need for certainty.
** Chapter 12 (p. 349)

* I guessed he experienced the terrible confusion of a true solipsist when the outer world impinges.
** Chapter 13 (p. 357)

* Better wicked Lucifer for a master, thought I, than a pious Tyrant!
** Chapter 13 (p. 361)

* My bargain with God included the undertaking that I should play no direct part, merely supervise mankind’s self-redemption. Like yourself, my agents are those whose independence of thought is already well-established.
** Chapter 13 (p. 367; the speaker is Lucifer)

* Redefine the terms by which Man views the world, and thus eventually you redefine the world itself.
** Chapter  (p. 367)

* My own self-deception at least promised some kind of pleasure. Theirs offered nothing but terror and guilt.
** Chapter 14 (p. 375)

* I must believe you doomed to eternal life, but also to eternal repetition! Your true doom is simple to me. You lack brains, Sir.
** Chapter 14 (p. 376)

* We’ll build a world where Order shall prevail. A few more deaths are inconsequential, surely, if they guarantee us eternal life and absolute fulfillment?
** Chapter 14 (p. 376)

* “Are you aware we anticipate the Apocalypse, von Bek?”&lt;br&gt;“The obsession’s common enough, Montsorbier, amongst ignorant folk.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 377)

* You may be abandoned by Satan, Sir, and I abandoned by God, but that does not put us in the same cart, nor even upon the same road.
** Chapter 17 (p. 406)

* He had thought his wars over. Now he realized peace had been merely a lull.
** Chapter 17 (p. 407)

* You’re as worthless as one of that decrepit mob. Lucifer has rejected you. Now mankind rejects you. Have the good taste, Sir, to accept a fact!
** Chapter 17 (p. 408)

* You are martyred, as woman is ever martyred, particularly if she seeks her own power.
** Chapter 19 (p. 446)

* Thus woman trusts in man down all the years and so, as always, is betrayed.
** Chapter 19 (p. 446)

== About ==
* A whole tangle of series, possibly including everything Moorcock's written, not excluding his grocery lists, but I'm not sure; certainly includes most of his fantasy.  Various subseries are declared complete every so often, as for example in an ad for the Last Elric Book in the current issue of [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction|F&amp;amp;SF]]; such declarations sometimes prove true, but on the other hand, I've seen several previous Last Elric Books.
** Joe Bernstein, {{Usenet article|d9rkbu$2t2$1@reader1.panix.com|2005}}, describing the [[w:Eternal Champion|Eternal Champion]] series.

*Moorcock is an erudite Left-anarchist and a giant of fantasy literature. Almost everything he’s written is of interest, but Hawkmoon is chosen here in honor of Moorcock having said about it: “In a spirit consciously at odds with the jingoism of the day, I chose a German for a hero and the British for villains.”
**[[China Mieville]] [https://libcom.org/article/50-sci-fi-fantasy-works-every-socialist-should-read-china-mieville 50 Sci-Fi &amp; Fantasy Works Every Socialist Should Read]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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      <text bytes="107486" sha1="ipwbigrb9cfqfbcbbxjf8e01sg3r25a" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Michael Moorcock|Michael Moorcock]]''' (born [[18 December]] [[1939]]) is a prolific British writer and editor, long known for his SF and fantasy works and now also for literary novels.

[[File:Michael Moorcock.jpg|thumb|Michael Moorcock, 2006]]

== Quotes ==

* It is almost impossible to have a baseless snobbish opinion of the General Theory of Relativity.
** ''Fantastic Metropolis'', Christmas Editorial (http://www.fantasticmetropolis.com/i/20011209/3/)

=== Short fiction ===

==== ''To Rescue Tanelorn...'' (1962) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in ''Science Fantasy'' magazine, December 1962. Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing &lt;/small&gt;

* Everything means nothing—that is the only truth.
** p. 472

* The subtlest lie of all is the full truth.
** p. 474

==== ''London Bone'' (1997) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''New Worlds'' edited by David Garnett. Page numbers from the story included in the mass market paperback edition ''[[w:Year's Best SF 3|Year's Best SF 3]]'' edited by David G. Hartwell &lt;/small&gt;

* Americans need bullshit the way koala bears need eucalyptus leaves. They’ve become totally addicted to it. They get so much of it back home that they can’t survive without it.
** p. 423

* What the local politicians actually meant was that they hoped to claim the land in the name of the public and then make the usual profits privatizing it. There was a principle at stake. They had to ensure their friends and not outsiders got the benefit.
** p. 443

==== ''The Lost Canal'' (2013) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Originally published in the anthology ''[[w:Old Mars|Old Mars]]'' edited by [[w:George R. R. Martin|George R. R. Martin]] and [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]]. Page numbers from the story reprinted in the trade paperback anthology ''Time Travel: Recent Trips'' edited by Paula Guran &lt;/small&gt;

* “You only need fear the bees if you’ve broken the law.” That familiar phrase was used to justify every encroachment on citizens’ liberty.
** p. 346

* There were three known existing sapphires. One was in the Conquest of Space Museum on Terra, one was in the hands of United System President Polonius Delph—he was the richest man in seven worlds, or had been until he’d paid cash for his jewel. The other had been stolen soon after its discovery. Maybe Delph had it...&lt;br&gt;“From what I understand of your world, Delph isn’t the only one who wants the sapphires. He has rivals in the Plutocracy. Another mysterious collector? Or those rivals are competing for the presidency or they think they can ruin him. As you know, it’s a vicious circle in politics. You can’t get to be president unless you have the wealth and you can’t really make massive sums until you’re president.”
** p. 355

* Wasn’t all their effort worthless? Wouldn’t it be better to accept the impossibility of their mission? He began to think Krane was mad. If there were a threat, then inevitably they would die. Death was the future of all people, all planets, all universes. Their struggle was symbolic of the futility of living creatures who fought against their own inevitable extinction. What were a few more years of existence compared to the longevity of a cosmos? In those terms, the whole history of their species lasted for less than a fraction of a second. And then, sheltering beside him under the protection of the energy equalizer, she looked up for a second, and, obscurely, he understood that the effort always would be worth it. Always had been worth it.
** p. 371

==== ''[[w:The Time Dweller|The Time Dweller]]'' (1969) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the American mass market edition, published by the Daw Books (catalogue number UE1489), first printing, September 1979 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?140 Michael Moorcock's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* “I am already late, I fear. What time is it?”&lt;br&gt;“Time? Why the present, of course.”
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 13)

* You fail to understand, my friend. We do not ''control'' time. If anything, it controls us. We simply measure it.
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 15)

* Time and Matter are both ideas. Matter makes a more immediate impression on Man, but Time’s effects are longer lasting.
** ''The Time Dweller'' (p. 22)

* “Your yearning, Pepin Hunchback, is not for the past as it was,” she was saying softly. “It is for a world that never existed—a Paradise, a Golden Age. Men have always spoken of such a time in history—but such an idyllic world is a yearning for childhood, not the past, for lost innocence. It is childhood we wish to return to.”
** ''Escape from Evening'' (p. 44)

* Why hadn't the dead human race realized this? It was only necessary to exist, not to be trying constantly to prove you existed when the fact was plain.&lt;br&gt;Plain to him, he realized, because he had climbed a mountain. This knowledge was his reward. He had not received any ability to think with greater clarity, or a vision to reveal the secret of the universe, or an experience of ecstasy. He had been given, by himself, by his own action, insensate peace, the infinite tranquility of ''existing.''
** ''The Mountain'' (p. 171)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Elric at the End of Time]]'' (1985) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the American mass market edition, published by the Daw Books (catalogue number UE2040), first printing, May 1985 &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?140 Michael Moorcock's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* She opened her bag and made sure of her jar of instant coffee. It was the one thing she couldn’t get at the End of Time.
** ''Elric at the End of Time'' (p. 16)

* Like so many others he seemed to equate self-pity with artistic inspiration. In an earlier age he might have discovered his public and become quite rich (self-pity passing for passion in the popular understanding).  
** ''Elric at the End of Time'' (p. 23)

* “Is there anything you need?”&lt;br&gt;“Need? Aye. Peace of mind. Knowledge of my true destiny. A quiet place where I can be with Cymoril, whom I love.”  
** ''Elric at the End of Time'' (p. 34)

* “And thank you, also, for the joke.”&lt;br&gt;“The joke?”&lt;br&gt;“Why truly—the best joke is but a simple statement of truth.”…&lt;br&gt;He mounted, flapped the reins, and, as the gray gelding broke into a trot he said to himself: “A joke indeed, but it is a pity that men do not laugh at it more often.”  
** ''The Last Enchantment'' (p. 83; ellipsis represents a brief elision for the sake of continuity)

* The Dead God’s Book and the Golden Barge are one and the same. They have no real existence, save in the wishful imagination of mankind. There is, the story says, no Holy Grail which will transform a man overnight from bewildered ignorance to complete knowledge—the answer already is within him, if he cares to train himself to find it. A rather overemphasised fact, throughout history, but one generally ignored all the same.  
** ''The Secret Life of Elric of Melniboné'' (p. 89)

* Again this is an old question, a bit trite from being asked too often, maybe, but how much of what we believe is true and how much is what we wish were true.  
** ''The Secret Life of Elric of Melniboné'' (p. 91)

=== ''[[w:The Sundered Worlds|The Sundered Worlds]]'' (1965) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “He was a fool,” said Willow calmly to Klein. “There are many who refuse their responsibilities. Fooling themselves they search for a ‘higher ideal’. He was a fool.”&lt;br&gt;“What are responsibilities?” said Klein laconically. “He knows. Responsibility, my dear, is another word for self-interest. For survival.”&lt;br&gt;She looked at Klein uncomprehendingly.
** Chapter 4 (p. 206)

* The time has come for the dismantling of fantasies. That is already happening to our universe. Now that we have this one chance of survival we must finally rid ourselves of fantasies and seize that chance!&lt;br&gt;For centuries our race has built on false assumptions. If you build a fantasy based on a false assumption and continue to build on such a fantasy, your whole existence becomes a lie which you implant in others who are too lazy or too busy to question its truth.&lt;br&gt;In this manner you threaten the very existence of reality, because, by refusing to obey its laws, those laws engulf and destroy you. The human race has for too long been manufacturing convenient fantasies and calling them laws. For ages this was so. Take war, for instance. Politicians assume that something is true, assume that strife is inevitable, and by building on such false assumptions, lo and behold, they create further wars which they have, ostensibly, sought to prevent.&lt;br&gt;We have, until now, accepted too many fantasies as being truths, too many truths as fantasies. And we have one last chance to discover the real nature of our existence. I am prepared to take it!
** Chapter 7 (pp. 229-230)

* He existed in all the many dimensions of the multiverse. Yet he, in common with all others, was bound by the dimension of Time. He had cast off the chains of space but was tied, as perhaps all denizens of the multiverse would always be, by the imperturbable prowl of Time, which brooked no halt, which condoned no tampering with its movement, whether to slow it or to speed it.&lt;br&gt;Time, the changer, could not be changed. Space, perhaps, the material environment, could be conquered. Time, never.
** Chapter 15 (p. 290)

=== ''[[w:The Fireclown|The Winds of Limbo]] aka The Fireclown'' (1965) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Perhaps he was old and wise, perhaps he was just old.
** Chapter 4 (p. 145)

* Any forthcoming dispute was likely to be a battle between ignorance of one sort and ignorance of another.
** Chapter 4 (p. 151)

* A threat to free speech. It was marvelous how they accepted the principles of democracy and rejected them at the same time by talk of mob action!
** Chapter 4 (p. 151)

* Why ascribe meaning to all this? The further away from the fundamentals of life we go, the more we quest for their meaning. There ''is'' no meaning. It is here. It has always been here in some state. It will always be here. That is all we can ever truly know. It is all we should want to know.
** Chapter 11 (p. 210)

* Listening to the conversation, his faith in the stupidity of human nature was fully restored.
** Chapter 17 (p. 252)

* Alain left the cell, left Police Headquarters and stood for a long time by a splashing fountain, staring into the clear water and watching the darting goldfish swimming in the narrow confines of the pool. Did they understand just how narrow their little universe was? he wondered. They seemed happy enough, if fish could be happy. But if they weren’t happy, he reflected, neither were they sad. They had no tradition but instinct, no ritual but the quest for food and a mate. He didn’t envy them much.
** Chapter 17 (p. 254)

=== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Shores of Death]] aka The Twilight Man'' (1966) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The society was the nearest thing to perfection that had ever existed; vital without being violent, stable without being stagnant. This society had resulted from a number of factors, the most important being a small population served by a sophisticated technology and an equally sophisticated administrative system. The arts were alive, there was universal literacy, the philosophies flourished.
** Prologue (p. 268)

* Fear was back and with it the old terrors, the old mental aberrations, the old superstitions, the old religions. He knew the pattern. He had studied it in the text books. He knew how little power rational argument had when faced with minds turned sick by fear. He knew how quickly a cult of the kind he had seen could proliferate and dominate a society and then split internally and become several warring sects.
** Book 1, Chapter 5, “Something Ominous” (p. 302)

* “An ethic is simply a system of survival,” Velusi said. “What does an ethic mean when there is no chance of survival?”
** Book 1, Chapter 6, “Something to Hope For (p. 304)

=== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Wrecks of Time]] aka The Rituals of Infinity'' (1967) ===
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''The Roads Between the Worlds'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-181-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I have never had trouble with conflicting interpretations of my work. Once the story is published, it belongs to the reader.
** Introduction (p. viii)

* Everything dies eventually—but that shouldn’t stop us enjoying life while it is there to be enjoyed.
** Chapter 6, “Klosterheim on a Mountain” (p. 49)

* “Is that what you are? An android?”&lt;br&gt;“You could find out if you made love to me.”&lt;br&gt;Faustaff smiled and shook his head. “Sweetheart, you’re just not my type.”&lt;br&gt;“I thought any young woman was your type, doctor.”&lt;br&gt;“So did I till I met you.”
** Chapter 9, “E-Zero” (p. 65)

* Orelli smiled to himself. It was a wickedly introspective smile as if he looked into his own soul and was pleased with the evil he found there.
** Chapter 12, The Petrified Palace” (p. 81)

* Magic, as far as Faustaff knew, rejected reason. Religion accepted it, of course, but hardly encouraged it. Only science accepted it and encouraged it. Faustaff suddenly saw mankind’s social and psychological evolution in a clear, simple light. Science alone accepted man as he was and sought to exploit his full potential.
** Chapter 15, “The Revels of E-Zero” (p. 96)

=== [[w:The History of the Runestaff|The History of the Runestaff]] ===

==== ''[[w:The Jewel in the Skull|The Jewel in the Skull]]'' (1967) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “I shall not be killed!” The count smiled scornfully, as if death were something that only others suffered.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “Yisselda and Bowgentle” (p. 13)

* Do not thank me for saving your life. You do not realize yet what I have saved it for.
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Warrior in Jet and Gold” (p. 113)

==== ''[[w:The Mad God's Amulet|The Mad God's Amulet]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I would waste my rhetoric if I tried, for men are greedy and will not see the truth for the gleam of coin.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Machine” (p. 160)

* The hardest compromise to make is when you decide to ''appear'' to compromise. Often the deception becomes the reality long before you realize it.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Machine” (p. 160)

* “No denial would convince you,” D’Averc smiled, “so I will not offer you one.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Waiting Warrior” (p. 185)

==== ''[[w:The Sword of the Dawn|The Sword of the Dawn]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* For this was the great power of the Lords of the Dark Empire, that they valued nothing on all the Earth, no human quality, nothing within or without themselves. The spreading of conquest and desolation, of terror and torment, was their staple entertainment, a means of employing their hours until their spans of life were ended. For them, warfare was merely the most satisfactory way of easing their ennui...
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “The Last City” (p. 259)

* Only Bowgentle, the philosopher-poet, his old friend, had an inkling of what he meant and even then Bowgentle believed that it reflected not on the nature of the landscape but on the particular nature of Count Brass’s mind.&lt;br&gt;“You’re exhausted, disorientated,” Bowgentle would say. “The ordering mechanism of the brain is working too hard, so you see a pattern to existence that, in fact, only stems from your own weariness and disturbance...”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Flamingoes’ Dance” (p. 261)

* Wild days, wild riders, and the stink of warfare across the world!
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Elvereza Tozer” (p. 269)

* Machine-devoured, all his hours were given o’er to that insidious circuitry, and old grew he, unnoticing, in the service of his engines.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Elvereza Tozer” (p. 269)

* “I have heard it said it is often safer to dwell in the lion’s lair than outside it,” Oladahn said.&lt;br&gt;“Safer still to live in a land where there are no lions,” Count Brass retorted.
** Book 1, Chapter 9 “Interlude at Castle Brass” (p. 291)

* “I think you serve a great purpose, Hawkmoon. I think your destiny is a noble one.”&lt;br&gt;Hawkmoon laughed. “And yet I do not pine for a noble destiny—merely a secure one.”
** Book 2, Chapter 11 “The Parting” (p. 380)

==== ''[[w:The Runestaff|The Runestaff]]'' (1969) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Hawkmoon'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-193-3}} &lt;/small&gt;

* And then he pursed his lips in disgust. “Doubtless that was the result of supernatural interference with our brains! How I hate the supernatural!”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “A City of Glowing Shadows” (p. 406)

* Every court must have its fool, every great ideal must attract some who are motivated only by self-interest.
** Book 1, Chapter 7 “A Well-Known Traveler” (p. 413)

* “And is adventure and sensation all we should seek, Meliadus?”&lt;br&gt;“Aye—why not? All is chaos, there is no meaning to existence, there is only one advantage to living one’s life and that is to discover all the sensations the human mind and body is capable of feeling.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “Whispering in Secret Rooms” (pp. 428-429)

* It is many years since I have wielded a weapon larger than a pen, borne anything weightier than a difficult problem in philosophy.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “Five Heroes and a Heroine” (p. 467)

* “You fought well and you fought for justice.”&lt;br&gt;“Justice?” Hawkmoon called after him as he left the room. “Is there such a thing?”&lt;br&gt;“It can be manufactured in small quantities,” Fank told him. “But we have to work hard, fight well and use great wisdom to produce just a tiny amount.”
** Book 3, Chapter 17 “The Sad Queen” (p. 501)

=== [[w:The Cornelius Quartet|The Cornelius Quartet]] ===
:&lt;small&gt; All spelling as in the book. There are no chapter numbers; chapter titles are given. &lt;/small&gt;

==== ''[[w:The Final Programme|The Final Programme]]'' (1968) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “Perhaps I should not say so, but it occasionally crosses my mind to wonder why, in all the mystic cosmologies, even in some of the modern so-called parasciences, our own age is always described as the age of chaos and contention. A comment, my logical side argues, on why people turn to mysticism. The past age was always better.”&lt;br&gt;“Childhood is the happiest time of life except when you’re a child,” said Jerry.&lt;br&gt;“I understand you. True.”
** Preliminary Data (p. 7)

* “You look ahead.”&lt;br&gt;“I look around. Ahead’s here already.”
** Phase 2 (p. 66)

* “Entropy’s setting in. Or so they say.”&lt;br&gt;“Why should that be true?”&lt;br&gt;“It’s Time—it’s all used up.”&lt;br&gt;“This is metaphysical nonsense!”&lt;br&gt;“Very likely.”
** Phase 3 (p. 122)

==== ''[[w:A Cure for Cancer|A Cure for Cancer]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The poor man has sacrificed himself for others, but he could not help resenting them from time to time.
** Ex-bank clerk slave girl in private sin palace (p. 172)

* “It’s like prostitution.”&lt;br&gt;“It’s a lot like prostitution, isn’t it?”&lt;br&gt;“You see nothing wrong…?”&lt;br&gt;“The customer’s always right.”&lt;br&gt;“And you have no,” she shuddered, “ethics?”&lt;br&gt;“I give the public what it wants, if that’s what you mean.”
** It’s a Fad, Dad! (p. 219)

* Time to be moving; moves to be timing.
** Beyond the X ecliptic (p. 314)

* Technology is potential freedom from brutality.
** Beyond the X ecliptic (p. 316)

==== ''[[w:The English Assassin: A Romance of Entropy|The English Assassin]]'' (1972) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Is there anything sadder, I wonder, than an assassin with nobody left to kill?
** The Alternative Apocalypse 1 (p. 399)

* “The schizophrenic condition finds its most glorious expression in Hinduism,” remarked Professor Hira. “Whereas Christianity is an expression of the much less interesting paranoid frame of reference. Paranoia is rarely heroic, in the mythical sense, at least.”
** The Raft (p. 538)

* From beyond the door came the sound of people at prayer, led by the droning voices of the priests. Even the plane seemed to be praying. Una went to find a parachute before they reached Windermere.
** Estimates (p. 551)

* The barbarians don’t come from outside the walls any more, do they?
** The Hill (p. 579)

==== ''[[w:The Condition of Muzak|The Condition of Muzak]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the uncut edition in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Cornelius Quartet'' published by Thunder's Mouth Press {{ISBN|1-56858-183-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* From the ceiling came the miserable, neurotic drone of the Everly Brothers. He let it play, deepening his mood. If a mood was worth having, he thought, it was worth having profoundly.
** Need actuators that won’t freeze, burn, dry out, or boil? (p. 642)

* Stagnation’s no substitute for stability.
** Optics for defence (p. 649)

* “I’ll be seeing you,” said Jerry.&lt;br&gt;Koutrouboussis chuckled to himself. “At this rate you’ll be raising me, too.”
** The BL 755 cluster bomb (p. 652)

* How many generations need to comply in a fallacy before it becomes accepted as truth?
** The BL 755 cluster bomb (p. 652)

* “He complains that I don’t really understand the importance of it all. He thinks my loyalties are sometimes divided.” They were quite a long way behind the men. Mitzi smirked. “Of course, that’s impossible. I haven’t any loyalties at all.”
** An important message to every man and woman in America losing his or her hair (p. 681)

* Even ruin could not make it picturesque. The streets were awash with weather-stained postcards, bedraggled and muddy King Arthur tea-towels, broken plastic Holy Grails, Excaliburs carved from chalk, tiny Round Tables to hang on the wall, and polystyrene crowns. In the reign of one Elizabeth the ideal had reached perfection and, in the reign of another, it had achieved its ultimate degradation.
** BAC cools hopes of airship boom (p. 699)

* Yesterday’s underdog is tomorrow’s tyrant.
** With the flag to Pretoria (p. 738)

* “There’s more to life than drugs and sex, Mr. Cornelius.”&lt;br&gt;“There’s more than life to drugs and sex. It’s better than nothing.”
** Harlequin Invisible: or, the Emperor of China’s Court (p. 761)

* I was thinking of going into the assassination business. You know what a dreamer I am. Would it be too much of a hit and myth operation, do you think?
** Harlequin Invisible: or, the Emperor of China’s Court (p. 761)

* “I appreciate this quest for national identity,” she said, “but it does seem that most traditions were dropped for the good reason that they were revoltingly cruel and stupid.”
** The Death of Harlequin (p. 772)

* “Better the myth of happiness,” Harlequin murmured, “than the myth of despair.”
** The Mirror; or, Harlequin Everywhere (p. 786)

* Some try to understand the world, while others seek to impose their understanding on it. Unfortunately, Mr. Smiles, these latter folk are those least equipped to perform the operation. Like Frankenstein, my dear Mr. Smiles, they produce a monster.
** The Mirror; or, Harlequin Everywhere (pp. 790-791)

==== ''[[w:The Lives and Times of Jerry Cornelius|The Lives and Times of Jerry Cornelius]]'' (1976) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published by Quartet Books {{ISBN|0-704-3126-4-6}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Short stories set in the same fictional world as the novels &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Spelling, italics, and ellipsis as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* What kind of chromosomes a person has is called his genotype, and the appearance of a person is called his phenotype. Thus, males have the genotype XY and the phenotype male. Women have the genotype XX and the phenotype female.… In every war in history there must have been a considerable flow of genes one way or another. Whether the genes of the victors or of the vanquished have increased most is a debatable point. 
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 69; quoting Haig P. Papazian, ''Modern Genetics)''

* As Barrington Bayley had pointed out in his book ''Structural Dynamism,'' man was not an intelligent animal. He was an animal with intelligence that he could apply to some, not all, of his activities.
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 71)

* Irony, Lady Sue, is no substitute for imagination.
** ''The Swastika Set-Up'' (p. 82)

* Sometimes he would admit that one form of superstition was as good as another, but he still preferred to rely on the forms he knew.
** ''The Sunset Perspective'' (p. 94)

* ''At last the computer had superseded the automobile as the focus for mankind’s hopes and fears.''
** ''Sea Wolves'' (p. 121)

* He realised that Law and Order were not particularly compatible.
** ''Voortrekker'' (p. 140)

* ''Time was the enemy of identity.''
** ''Voortrekker'' (p. 141)

* Her face was now a mask of moral outrage. “You talk of fashion while I speak of morality.”&lt;br&gt;It was true that Jerry had never been able to see much of a difference between the two.
** ''The Longford Cup'' (p. 153)

* Somewhere you can hear them whimpering, as if the evidence of their own mortality were emphasised by the knowledge of other people’s happiness.
** ''The Longford Cup'' (p. 155)

* “We can only be kind to one another,” she said, “there is scarcely any alternative if we are to resist chaos.”
** ''The Entropy Circuit'' (p. 166)

* To the fearful all things are chaotic. That’s how you get religion (and its bastard child, politics).
** ''The Entropy Circuit'' (p. 176)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Erekosë]] ===

==== ''[[w:The Eternal Champion (novel)|The Eternal Champion]]'' (1970) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* If the people at the top think that reaching for a gun will solve the problem, why shouldn’t the people at the bottom think the same?
** Introduction (p. viii)

* I felt sorry for him at that moment. He only wanted what every man wanted—freedom from fear, a chance to raise children with a reasonable certainty that they would be allowed to do the same, a chance to look forward to the future without the knowledge that any plans made might be wrecked forever by some sudden act of violence.
** Chapter 3 “The Eldren Threat” (p. 15)

* I stared at the water and saw the clouds reflected in it, saw them break to reveal the moon. It was the same moon I had known as John Daker. The same bland face could be made out staring down in contentment at the antics of the creatures of the planet it circled. How many disasters had that moon witnessed? How many foolish crusades? How many wars and battles and murders?
** Chapter 9 “At Noonos” (p. 50)

* It’s getting late. I must return to my ship or my men will think I’ve drowned and be celebrating.
** Chapter 10 “First Sight of the Eldren” (p. 58)

* There must be countless forms of love. Which is the form which conquers the rest? I cannot define it. I shall not try.
** Chapter 15 “The Returning” (p. 91)

* ''The problems for which I could find no solution in fact had no solution.''
** Chapter 23 “In Loos Ptokai” (p. 137)

==== ''[[w:Phoenix in Obsidian|Phoenix in Obsidian]]'' (1970) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''The Eternal Champion'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-191-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Nothing is known for certain, Isarda. All knowledge is illusion—purpose is a meaningless word, a mere sound, a reassuring fragment of melody in a cacophony of clashing chords. All is flux—matter is like these jewels. ''(She throws a handful of gleaming gems upon the golden surface; they scatter. When the last jewel has ceased to move, she looks up at him.)'' Sometimes they fall into a rough pattern, usually they do not. So as this moment, a pattern has been formed—you and I stand here speaking. But at any moment that which constitutes our beings may be scattered again.
** Prologue (p. 321)

* Here, I thought, I had found the human race in its final stages of decadence—perverse, insouciant, without ambition. And I could not blame them. After all, they had no future.
** Book 2 “The Champion’s Road” Chapter 3 “The Lord Spiritual” (p. 354)

* ''All Empires fall,&lt;br&gt;All ages die,&lt;br&gt;All strife shall be in vain.&lt;br&gt;All Kings go down,&lt;br&gt;All hope must fail,&lt;br&gt;But Tanelorn remains—&lt;br&gt;Our Tanelorn remains...''
** Book 2 “The Champion’s Road” Chapter 5 “The Black Sword” (p. 365)

* ''Destiny’s Champion,&lt;br&gt;Fate’s fool.&lt;br&gt;Eternity’s Soldier,&lt;br&gt;Time’s Tool.''
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Epigram (p. 394)

* “I would be grateful if I was allowed to work out my own destiny for once,” I said. “For good or ill.”
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Chapter 4 “The Lady of the Chalice” (p. 416)

* Because I had sought to challenge Destiny, Destiny had taken vengeance.
** Book 3 “Visions and Revelations” Chapter 5 “The Waking of the Sword” (p. 421)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Dragon in the Sword]]'' (1986) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Time is at once an agony of the Present, a long torment of the Past and the terrible prospect of countless Futures. Time is also a complex of subtly intersecting realities, of unguessable consequences and undiscoverable causes, of profound tensions and dependencies.
** Prologue (p. 463)

* How true it is when they say there is nothing which makes a man more furious than the discovery that he has deceived himself!
** Book 1, Chapter 4 (p. 509)

* “Evil flourishes best in disguise,” said Otto grimly. His companions nodded in assent.&lt;br&gt;“And the best disguise is simple” said the youth, Federit Shaus. “Honest patriotism. Joyful idealism.”&lt;br&gt;“You’re a cynic, lad,” von Bek smiled at him. “But sadly my own experience would support your view. Show me a man who cries ‘my country right or wrong’, and I’ll show you one who’d cheerfully murder half his own nation in the name of patriotism.”
** Book 2, Chapter 3 (p. 550)

* “Women are always underestimated by men,” said Alisaard, a note of satisfaction in her voice, “and this enables them sometimes to gather far more power to themselves than the men suspect.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 557)

* Often people fight hardest of all to preserve a delusion. And they will frequently persecute those who challenge that delusion.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 559)

* Your imagination is notoriously poor. Not everyone holds identical ambitions to your own!
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 560)

* Her smile was all pride. I had seen many like her in the past. She believed herself cleverer than she was because it suited others to let her maintain that delusion.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 561)

* By acting as they would act, we become what they are. And if we are what they are, then there is little point in resisting them!
** Book 2, Chapter 4 (p. 564)

* Let us say that those who do insist on a hearing will be silenced soon enough. There is a monotonous pattern to the rise of tyrants which, I suppose, is reflected in the general pattern of human folly. Depressing though it is, we must accept the fact.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 (p. 568)

* They’re Mabden, of course. They are afraid of the city. Afraid of almost everything. And being permitted no weapons with which they can attack what they fear, they are reduced to what you see. It seems the Mabden can only kill or run away. Their brains are of no use to them.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 (p. 581)

* Knowledge ceases to be wisdom when one has no method for making sense or use of what one learns.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 (p. 591)

* “She is in other words a classic demagogue,” said von Bek...“It was Hitler’s secret that he could seem one thing to one group and an entirely different thing to another. That is how they rise so swiftly to power. These creatures are bizarre. They can virtually change shape and colour. They have an amophous quality and yet at the same time they have a will to dominate others which is unrelenting, almost their only consistent trait, their only reality.”
** Book 2, Chapter 9 (p. 612)

* I at least had some knowledge of the warping, mutating power of the Lords of Disorder, the supernatural entities who on John Daker’s Earth would be called Arch-Demons, the Dukes of Hell. I knew that they made use of our most treasured virtues and most honoured emotions. That they were capable of almost any illusion. And that all that was keeping them from pouring forth from their stronghold to engulf so many other Realms of the multiverse was their caution, their unreadiness or unwillingness to war against the rival power of Law. But if we humans invited them to our realms, they would come.
** Book 2, Chapter 9 (p. 613)

* “Chaos has her moods and whims, that’s all. As I told you, she cannot remain stable. It is in her nature to be forever changing.”&lt;br&gt;“While it is in the nature of Law,” Alisaard explained, “to be forever fixed. The Balance is there to ensure that neither Law nor Chaos ever gain complete ascendancy, for the one offers sterility while the other offers only sensation.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 (p. 626)

* “For years my lady made her plans. And when the time came to put them into action, how wonderfully she was able to achieve her ambitions.”&lt;br&gt;“Only because few rational people can ever begin to understand such a lust for power,” said von Bek feelingly. “There is nothing more puerile than the mind of a tyrant.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 (p. 629)

* “This is the stuff which some Nazis wished to put into our churches,” whispered von Bek. “Pagan objects of worship which they claim are the symbols of a true German religion. They are almost as anti-Christian as they are anti-Semitic. It is as if they hate every system of thought which in any way questions their own mish-mash of pseudo-philosophy and mystical claptrap!” He stared at the altar in disgust. “They are the worst kind of nihilists. They cannot even see that they destroy everything and create nothing. Their invention is as empty as any inventions of Chaos I have seen. It has no true history, no concrete substance, no depth, no quality of intellect. It is merely a negation, a brutal denial of all Germany’s virtues.”
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 637)

* I could scarcely believe that these were the men who had done so much to influence the course of my own world’s history. It now seemed obvious that all of them were drugged in some way. They were acting like silly children. And yet I suppose I should have realized that it is in the nature of all such creatures to be at heart infantile. Only children believe they can achieve enormous power over the world without paying a price for that power. And the price so often is the sanity of the one who seeks it.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 641)

* How paltry is the thing they call science. We have something far superior! We have Faith. We have a Force greater than Reason! We have a wisdom beyond mere knowledge. We have the Holy Grail itself. The Chalice of Limitless Power!
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 642; words spoken by Hitler)

* “There could be an end to all this, when the Lords of the Higher Worlds and all the machinery of cosmic mystery shall be no more. And perhaps that is why they fear mortals so much. The secret of their destruction, I suspect, lies in us, though we have yet to realize our own power.”&lt;br&gt;“And do you have a hint of what that power may be, Eternal Champion?” said Alisaard.&lt;br&gt;I smiled. “I think it is simply the power to conceive of a multiverse which has no need of the supernatural, which, indeed, could abolish it if so desired!”
** Book 3, Chapter 2 (p. 646)

* I looked down at her shriveled corpse. It lay across that of her brother. One had represented the evil of the world, the other the good. Yet both had been defeated by pride, by ambition, by a promise of immortality.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 (p. 669)

* Indeed, to be a hero, forever at war, is to be in some ways always a child. The true challenge comes in making sense of one’s life, of imbuing it with purpose based on one’s own principles.
** Epilogue (p. 687)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Corum]] ===

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Knight of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The sentient may perceive and love the universe, but the universe cannot perceive and love the sentient.
** Prologue (p. 9)

* This is an Age of Gods, I am afraid, Master Corum. There are many, big and small, and they crowd the universe. Once it was not so. Sometimes, I suspect, the universe manages with none at all!
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Beyond the Fifteen Planes” (pp. 103-104)

* And then the full injustice of his fate struck him. Arioch bore no malice towards the Vadhagh. He cared for them no more or less than he cared for the Mabden parasites feeding off his body. He was merely wiping his palette clean of old colours as a painter will before he begins a fresh canvas. All the agony and the misery he and his had suffered was on behalf of the whim of a careless god who only occasionally turned his attention to the world that he had been given to rule.
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “The God Feasters” (p. 136)

* Everything may exist for a short while—even justice. But the true state of the universe is anarchy. It is the mortal’s tragedy that he can never accept this.
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “The God Feasters” (p. 139)

* “It is your capacity for love that makes you strong, Prince Corum.”&lt;br&gt;“And my capacity for hate?”&lt;br&gt;“That directs your strength.”
** Book 3, Chapter 8 “A Pause in the Struggle” (p. 148)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Queen of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “It has often been noted that gods could not exist without mortals and mortals could not exist without gods.”&lt;br&gt;“Yet gods, it appears,” said Corum, “can affect our destinies.”&lt;br&gt;“And we can affect theirs, can we not?”
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “What the Sea God Discarded” (p. 164)

* Such speculation leads us nowhere and everywhere, but it makes no difference to our understanding of our immediate problems.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “What the Sea God Discarded” (p. 165)

* “We are content here. None starves or goes in need of anything. There was no reason for the unrest. So we are victims of powers beyond our control, are we? I like not that—whether it be Law or Chaos. I would prefer to remain neutral…”&lt;br&gt;“Aye,” said Jhary-a-Conel. “Any thinking man does in these conflicts. Yet there are times when sides must be taken lest all that one loves is destroyed. I have never known another answer to the problem, though the taking of an extreme position will always make a man lose something of his humanity.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Lywm-an-Esh” (pp. 185-186)

* Ultimately, Chaos brings a more profound stagnation than anything it despises in law. It must forever seek more and more sensation, more and more empty marvels, until there is nothing left and it has forgotten what true invention is.
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Lake of Voices” (p. 197)

* “I could come to hate all gods,” he said.&lt;br&gt;“IT WOULD BE YOUR RIGHT. WE MUST USE MORTALS FOR ENDS WE CANNOT OURSELVES ACHIEVE.”
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Fury of Queen Xiombarg” (p. 270)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The King of the Swords]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Corum: The Coming of Chaos'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-182-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Chaos delights in creation but swiftly becomes bored with what it creates for it seeks not order or justice or constancy but sensation, entertainment. Sometimes it suits it to create something which you and I would value or find pleasure in. But it is an accident.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “The Castle Built of Blood” (p. 320)

* “It becomes so easy to believe what one wishes to believe,” Jhary said wearily. “So easy.”
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “The Castle Built of Blood” (p. 320)

* “How will the doctor fare?” Corum called. “The one who took me in.”&lt;br&gt;“He will die unless he is clever and denounces you,” Jhary told him.&lt;br&gt;“But he was a man of great intelligence and humanity. A man of science, too—of learning.”&lt;br&gt;“All the more reason for killing him, if their priesthood has its way. Superstition, not learning, is respected here.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Manor in the Forest” (p. 335)

* “You think we are in danger there?”&lt;br&gt;“Danger? It depends what you regard as dangerous. Some wisdom may be dangerous to one man and not to another.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Conjunction of the Million Spheres” (pp. 379-380)

* Mortal, I make no bargains, I obey no laws save the one of which you have already learned. I care not for Law nor for Chaos nor for the Cosmic Balance. Kwll and Rhynn exist for the love of existence and nothing else and we do not concern ourselves with the illusory struggles of petty mortals and their pettier gods. Do you know that you dream of these gods—that you are stronger than they—that when you are fearful, why then you bring fearsome gods upon yourselves? Is this not evident to you?
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Conjunction of the Million Spheres” (p. 384)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Bull and the Spear]]'' (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Mortals and gods come and go, but nature remains.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 “Over the Water to Hy-Breasail” (p. 67)

* The man called himself a wizard, but Corum would have called him a philosopher, someone who enjoyed exploring and discovering the secrets of nature.
** Book 2, Chapter 6 “Over the Water to Hy-Breasail” (p. 69)

* “I am dead,” said Corum, “and would be grateful if you would allow me to be dead in peace.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “The Ice Phantoms” (p. 96)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Oak and the Ram]]'' (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* He wondered if, in achieving such a noble way of life, a people became automatically vulnerable to destruction by those who had not achieved it. If so, it was an irony of cosmic proportions.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “The Meeting of the Kings” (p. 125)

* Can we break such a law? If we do break our ancient laws, are our customs worth fighting for?”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Treasure Brought by King Fiachadh” (p. 129)

* “The fate of sentient life itself sometimes seems to me to be at stake. Yet do I fear? No, I think not. I place no special value upon sentience. I’d as cheerfully become a tree!”&lt;br&gt;“Who’s to say they are not sentient?” Corum smiled as he set a pan upon the fire and began to lay strips of meat in the slowly boiling water.&lt;br&gt;“Well, then, a block of marble.”&lt;br&gt;“Again, we do not know…” Corum began, but Jhary cut him short with a snort of impatience.&lt;br&gt;“I’ll not play such childish games!”&lt;br&gt;“You misunderstand me. You have touched on a subject I have been considering only lately, you see. I, too, am beginning to realize that there is no special value to being, as it were, able to think. Indeed, one can see many disadvantages. The whole condition of mortals is created by their ability to analyze the universe and their inability to understand it.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Lands Where the Fhoi Myore Rule” (p. 142)

* “The whole question of morality…”&lt;br&gt;“Is as nothing when one’s stomach rumbles,” said Jhary.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Lands Where the Fhoi Myore Rule” (p. 143)

* There are those who have an interest in using legends and superstitions for their own ends. They cherish such notions not for their own sake but for the use to which they can be put. Poor, wretched people who cannot love life seek for something beyond life, something they prefer to regard as better than life. And, as a result, they corrupt the knowledge they discover and, in turn, associate their own weaknesses with this knowledge—at least, in the minds of others like myself.&lt;br&gt;“But the knowledge you have brought us, Corum—that extends our appreciate of life. You speak of a variety of worlds where mankind flourishes. You offer us information which brings light to our understanding, where the corrupt and the lost speak only of mysteries and dark superiorities and seek to elevate themselves in their own eyes and the eyes of their fellows.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 “The Place of Power” (p. 216)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Sword and the Stallion]]'' (1974) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''Corum: The Prince with the Silver Hand'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-188-7}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “What a great power women have,” he said. “I have recently been speaking with Ilbrec of magic, but the greatest magic of all is in the kiss of a woman.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “A Red Sword is Lifted” (p. 242)

* “We fight for our beliefs, Queen Medhbh,” said Amergin, “just as much as we fight for our lives. We must continue to conduct our affairs according to those beliefs. If we do not then we have no justification for living. Let us question these people fairly and listen to their answers before we judge them innocent or guilty.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “That Which Goffanon Stole from Sactric”  (p. 318)

* “Once such a strength of illusion is introduced into a world,” said Goffanon, “then it is hard to be rid of it. It will cloud the Mabden minds for many millennia to come. I know that I am right.”
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “The Power of Craig Dôn”  (p. 331)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|Oswald Bastable]] ===

==== ''[[w:Warlord of the Air|The Warlord of the Air]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* As I suggested to John Major (a British Prime Minister) when he told us that socialism was dead, he should not be too triumphant. After all, until his predecessor Mrs Thatcher revived it, we thought feudalism pretty much over and done with, too.
** Introduction (p. vi)

* Paternalism and centralism, the bane of capitalist as well as socialist politics, are for me the permanent enemy of democracy.
** Introduction (p. vi)

* It’s what they call a “theocracy”—priest-ridden in the extreme, full of dark superstitions and darker myths and legends, where all gods and demons are honoured, doubtless to be on the safe side. The people are cruel, ignorant, dirty and proud—they look down their noses at all other races.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Temple at Teku Benga” (p. 14)

* “Like most fanatics,” I pointed out coolly, “you share at least one characteristic with children—you want everything ''now.'' All improvements take time. You cannot make the world perfect overnight. Things are considerably better for more people today than they were in my—in the early years of this century, for instance.”
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “General O. T. Shaw” (p. 92)

* Tyrants hate original thinking.
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Chi’ng Che’eng Ta-Chia” (p. 106)

* The conqueror always assumes that his moral superiority—rather than his ferocious greed—is what has allowed him to triumph.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Coming of the Air Fleets” (p. 121)

* “I was wondering what made a decent English army officer turn into a desperate revolutionist overnight,” I smiled.&lt;br&gt;“It happens to many like that,” he said. “I have seen them. But you have to show them so ''much'' injustice first... Nobody wants to believe that the world is cruel—or that one’s own kind are cruel. Not to know cruelty is to remain innocent, eh? And we should all like to remain innocent. A revolutionist is a man who, perhaps, fails to keep his innocence but so desperately wants it back that he seeks to create a world where all shall be innocent in that way.”
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “Project NFB” (p. 135)

* In an infinite universe, all may become real sooner or later. Yet it is always up to mankind to make real what it really wishes to be real.
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “Project NFB” (p. 135)

==== ''[[w:The Land Leviathan|The Land Leviathan]]'' (1974) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The soldier shook his head, waxing philosophical. “It’s a madness, sir. We’ve all got it. It could go on until the last human being crawls away from the body of the chap he’s just bashed to bits with a stone. That’s what war is, sir—madness. You don’t think about what you’re doing. You forget, don’t you—you just go on killing and killing.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Dream—and the Nightmare—of the Chilean Wizard” (p. 187)

* “Violent men believe only in such concepts as ‘weakness’ and ‘cowardice’. They are so deeply cynical , so rooted in their own insane beliefs, that they cannot even begin to grasp the concept of ‘pacifism’.”
** Book 1, Chapter 6 “A Haven of Civilization” (p. 214)

* There is less danger, gentlemen, in living according to a set of high moral principles than most politicians believe.
** Book 1, Chapter 6 “A Haven of Civilization” (p. 214)

* “You have no proof of this,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“No. But a theory must be tested to be ''dis''proved, Mr Bastable.”
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “A Decision in Cold Blood” (p. 233)

* It is the spirit of Salem—the corrupting influence of Puritanism which in itself is perversion of the Stoic ideal—infecting what remains of a nation which could have set an example to the world.
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “A Decision in Cold Blood” (p. 233)

* Gandhi had been right. There was only one way to behave, even if it seemed, in the short term, against one’s self-interest. Surely it was in one’s self-interest in the long term to exhibit generosity, humanity, kindness and a sense of justice to one’s fellow men. It was cynicism of Beesley’s kind which had, after all, led to the threatened extinction of the whole human race. There could be no such thing s a “righteous” war, for war was by its very nature an act of injustice against the individual, but there could be such a thing as an “unrighteous” war—an evil war, a war begun by men who were utterly corrupt, both morally and intellectually. I had begun to think that it was a definition of those who would make war—that whatever motives they claimed, whatever ideals they promoted, whatever “threat” they referred to, they could not be excused—because of their actions they could only be of a degenerate and immoral character.  
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Triumphant Beast” (p. 262)

==== ''[[w:The Steel Tsar|The Steel Tsar]]'' (1981) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus hardcover edition ''A Nomad of the Time Streams'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-179-8}} &lt;/small&gt;

* It’s all a question of power and rarely a question of justice.
** Book 1, Chapter 8 “The Message” (p. 324)

* The captain seemed mad. Perhaps he did not enjoy his trade. Many soldiers did not, when real warfare developed.
** Book 1, Chapter 10 “Lost Hopes” (p. 336)

* I knew that it was human nature which lay at the root of History and that no matter where I found myself I was bound to discover superficial similarities expressing and exemplifying that nature. It was human idealism and human impatience and human despair which continued to produce these terrible wars. Human virtues and vices, mixed and confused in individuals, created what we called “History”. Yet I could see no way in which the vicious circle of aspiration and desperation might ever be broken. We were all victims of our own imagination.
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Camp on Rishiri” (p. 339)

* “To me politics is just a matter of getting the engineering right. If you have a machine which functions properly without much attention, then it’s obviously a good machine. That’s what politics should be about. And if the machine has simple working parts which any layman can understand, then it’s, as it were, your democratic machine. Am I right or am I wrong?”&lt;br&gt;“Crazy,” said Makhno, and scratched his nose.&lt;br&gt;“What?”&lt;br&gt;“You’re not right or wrong. You’re crazy.”
** Book 2, Chapter 1 “The Camp on Rishiri” (p. 342)

* I have learned from my experiences that hatred and racial antagonism can be manufactured by the politicians of any one country against any other, so I was no longer the patriot I had been.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “Back in Service” (p. 350)

* Socialists are always quarreling amongst themselves, because of the strong element of messianism in their creeds.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “Back in Service” (p. 353)

* This could be the beginning of Civil War. There is no kind more distressing, no kind which so rapidly describes the pointlessness of human killing human. I have been fated, for a reason I cannot comprehend or for no reason at all, to witness the worst examples of insane warfare (and all warfare, it seems to me now, is that) and having to listen to the most ridiculous explanations as to its “necessity” from otherwise perfectly rational people, I have long since become weary, Moorcock, of the debate. If I appear to you to be in a more reconciled mood than when your grandfather first met me it is because I have learned that no individual is responsible for War—that we are all, at the same time, individually responsible for the ills of the human condition. In learning this, (and I am about to tell you how I learned it) I also learned a certain tolerance for myself and for others which I had never previously possessed.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 359)

* “We are still ruled, in some ways, by our Church. We are a people more cursed by religion and its manifestations and assumptions than any other. The Steel Tsar, with his messianic socialism, offers us religion again, perhaps. You English have never had quite the same need for God. We have known despair and conquest too often to ignore Him altogether.” He shrugged. “Old habits, Mr Bastable. Religion is the panacea for defeat. We have a great tendency to rationalize our despair in mystical and utopian terms.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 361)

* “Petersburg socialism seems cold to the likes of our Cossacks, who would rather worship personalities than embrace ideas.”&lt;br&gt;I shared his irony. “You make them sound like Americans.”
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “The Black Ships” (p. 361)

* “Are you trying to talk peace terms?”&lt;br&gt;“I’ve given that up,” said Makhno. “It doesn’t appear to work. You mention peace and everyone tries to shoot you or jail you.”
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “A Question of Attitudes” (p. 368)

* Unlike so many politicians or military leaders they made no attempt to justify their mistakes, to cling to power. For them power held enormous responsibility and was merely invested in them temporarily.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “A Question of Attitudes” (p. 370)

* Like so many fanatics, he possessed an appalling streak of timidity and terror which feared all that was not absolutely familiar. As his power increased, he would doubtless attempt to destroy anything that made him anxious.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 384)

* Light suddenly caught the steel of his helmet and made it burn like the face of some mighty fallen angel. It could have been the face of Lucifer himself. I felt then that he was perfectly capable of destroying the whole world without a shred of remorse if he believed that he could not, himself, go on living. Such creatures, I remember thinking, have always dwelt among us. They would reduce the multiverse to ash, if they could. Why, I agonized, can we not recognize them and stop them before they achieve so much power? A tiny part of the human race was responsible for the misery of the majority.&lt;br&gt;I thought again of the injustices which we ourselves casually perpetrated and I wondered how we should ever set anything to rights while we continued to allow such vast discrepancy, so much at odds with the religious and political principles we claim as our daily guides.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 386)

* I understood that it was only the very best in us, our capacity for love and self-respect, that enabled us to survive in a perpetually fragmenting multiverse. Only our deepest sense of justice allowed us to remain sane and relish the wonders of chaotic Time and Space, to be free at least of fear. Further violence would bring only an endless chain of bloodshed and an inevitable descent of our race into bestiality and ultimate insentience. To survive, we must love.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (pp. 388-389)

* It remained difficult for me to understand how some people are simply born mentally deformed, lacking all the natural moral restraints and imagination which dictate the actions of most of us, however partially. Such creatures have learned from childhood to ape the appropriate sentiments when it suits them, to charm or bully their opponents, to agree to anything, to tell any lie and to pursue their own ends with implacable determination.&lt;br&gt;“Such men and women are the true aliens amongst you and it is ironic how frequently we come to rule you. We use your very best instincts and deepest emotions against you. We convince you that we alone can satisfy your need for security and comfort and then we drain you dry of everything save perpetual terror. Ha, ha, ha!”
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 389)

* “You were both catalysts,” Mrs Persson told me, “no more than that. Do you still not realize your error? No individual can claim so much personal guilt. It is madness to do so. We are ''all'' guilty of supporting the circumstances, the self-deceptions, the misconceptions and misinformation which lead to War. Every lie we tell ourselves brings an evil like the destruction of Hiroshima closer. We drown in our lies.”
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 394)

* But we are all victims, Captain Bastable, just as in other ways we are all aggressors. At root we are victims to the comforting lies we tell ourselves, of our willingness to shift moral responsibility onto leaders, organized religion—onto a deity or a race, if all else fails. Onto God, onto politicians, onto creatures from other planets. It is always the same impulse, to refuse responsibility. If we do not take responsibility for our own actions, ultimately we perish.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 395)

* It’s in the nature of a good despot to say anything that will convince someone to do as he wishes. Only when he does not need them does he really say what he thinks. And by that time, of course, because he has no need of them, they are usually as good as dead. The secret of becoming a successful tyrant lies in an early ability to be all things to all people.
** Book 2, Chapter 7 “A Mechanical Man” (p. 397)

* “Oh, I believe very much in cause and effect,” she said, “but not in the linear sense. Every action has a proliferation of consequences. We can’t remain alive without being responsible for thousands of actions and their consequences. We simply have to live with that fact and decide, morally if you like, how to formulate a civilized, secure environment for ourselves. So far we haven’t succeeded.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 410)

* Here the idea of God has been replaced by the idea of the Future. The two notions are, admittedly, all but identical in the way in which they are self-contradictory and thus always fundamentally confusing to their worshippers, who must look to priests for translation, and so inevitably the priests (or whatever they call them) gradually take power...
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 413)

* I realized I was fulfilling mankind’s greatest dream—to fly like a bird, as naturally and as joyously as if the air were our familiar habitat.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 419)

* She was grumbling. “The least he could have done was drop us near a town. Although in these parts they’d probably burn us as witches before asking any questions.” She shuddered. “I’m an awful snob about peasants, I’m afraid.”&lt;br&gt;I mentioned dryly that I thought those of her political persuasion had some sort of egalitarian duty to resist such prejudice. “Egalitarianism isn’t about prejudices,” she said, “it’s about equal shares of power. It’s the only means we have of steering some sort of even course through a future which is forever, by the very nature of the multiverse, unguessable. We have only institutions and a crude, fragile kind of democracy standing between us and absolute Chaos. That is why we must value and protect those institutions. And be forever reexamining them.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 419)

* What good is a martyr, Captain Bastable? A martyr shows us the power of faith. But what if that faith is misinformed? While people believe in heroes and the magic power of an individual to save them from the human condition, they will never be free.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 422)

* “We are all guilty,” he said. “We are all innocent. Only when we accept responsibility for our own actions do we become free. And only when every one of us accepts their share of responsibility will the world become safe for us all.”
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 422)

* Violence creates nothing but violence, no matter what we call it and what the excuse. And so it goes, down all the centuries.
** Book 2, Chapter 8 “Revolutions” (p. 423)

=== [[w:Elric of Melniboné|The Elric Cycle]] ===

:&lt;small&gt; Note that the books are presented in internal chronological order, rather than in order of publication. &lt;/small&gt;

==== ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné (novel)|Elric of Melniboné]]'' (1972) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* There is, in my view, a level at which the hero can become faintly ridiculous, often because he never fundamentally questions the rules. For instance, John Wayne’s characters were always basically in favor of old-fashioned paternalism, no matter how much they pretended to be rugged individualists.&lt;br&gt;Later, I became fascinated by the kind of book examining the myths which make such heroes attractive ''(Lord Jim,'' for instance) and came to understand that there is a level at which the heroic ideal can be used as a mere manipulative propaganda designed for instance to make young women sacrifice their futures in unjust marriages or young men sacrifice their lives in unjust wars.
** Introduction (pp. vii-viii)

* If he wished he could resurrect the Dragon Isle’s former might and rule both his own land and the Young Kingdoms as an invulnerable tyrant. But his reading has also taught him to question the uses to which power is put, to question his motives, to question whether his own power should be used at all, in any cause. His reading has led him to this “morality”, which, still, he barely understands.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “A Melancholy King: A Court Strives to Honour Him” (p. 7)

* How the weak hate weakness.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Riding Through the Morning: A Moment of Tranquility” (p. 17) 

* “Has Fate been thwarted?”&lt;br&gt;“Fate is never thwarted. What has happened has happened because Fate willed it thus—if, indeed, there is such a thing as Fate and if men’s actions are not merely a response to other men’s actions.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Riding Through the Morning: A Moment of Tranquility” (p. 17)

* ''But beware of gods Elric. Beware of the Lords of the Higher Worlds and remember that their aid and their gifts must always be paid for.''
** Book 2, Chapter 1 ”The Caverns of the Sea-King” (p. 42)

* But regret was useless now, so he forgot it.
** Book 3, Chapter 1 “Through the Shade Gate” (p. 93)

* Destiny can contain a few extra threads in her design and still accomplish her original aims.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “Two Black Swords” (p. 114)

* And upon those three lies was Elric’s destiny to be built, for it is only about things which concern us most profoundly that we lie clearly and with profound conviction.
** Book 3, Chapter 5 “The Pale King’s Mercy” (p. 118)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Fortress of the Pearl]]'' (1989) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “It takes little intelligence to draw the obvious conclusion...”&lt;br&gt;“Especially if one is blessed with only the barest information concerning other lands and peoples.”
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Pearl at the Heart of the World” (p. 138)

* The albino reflected on the power of the human mind to build a fantasy and then defend it with complete determination as a reality.
** Book 1, Chapter 2 “The Pearl at the Heart of the World” (p. 139)

* “If your people spent less time maintaining their own devalued myths about themselves and more upon studying the world as it is I think your city would have a greater chance of surviving. As it is, the place is crumbling beneath the weight of its own degraded fictions. The legends which offer a race their sense of pride  and history eventually become putrid...”&lt;br&gt;“We are unconcerned with matters of philosophy,” Manag Iss said with evident poor temper. “We do not question the motives or the ideas of those who employ us. That is written in our charters.”&lt;br&gt;”And therefore must be obeyed!” Elric smiled. “Thus you celebrate your decadence and resist reality.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 159; the ellipsis represents a one-sentence elision of description)

* Here information and philosophies were exchanged, together with all manner of goods. This was a court whose energies were not devoted to maintaining itself unchanged for eternity, but to every kind of new idea and lively, humane discussion, which welcomed fresh thought not as a threat to its existence but as a very necessity to its continued well-being, whose wealth was devoted to experiment in the arts and sciences, to supporting those who were needy, to aiding thinkers and scholars. The Bright Empire’s brightness would come no longer from the glow of putrefaction but from the light of reason and good will.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 160)

* This was Elric’s dream, more coherent now than it had ever been. This was his dream and it was why he traveled the world, why he refused the power which was his, why he risked his life, his mind, his love and everything else he valued, for he believed that there was no life worth living that was not risked in pursuit of knowledge and justice. And this was why his fellow countrymen feared him. Justice was not obtained, he believed, by administration but by experience. One must know what it was to suffer humiliation and powerlessness; at least to some degree, before one could entirely appreciate its effect. One must give up power if one was to achieve true justice. This was not the logic of Empire, but it was the logic of one who truly loved the world and desired to see an age dawn when all people would be free to pursue their ambitions in dignity and self-respect.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “On the Red Road” (p. 160)

* We set high store by prophecies here in the desert. It seems that our longing for help might have coloured our reason.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Dreamthief’s Pledge” (p. 181)

* We have a scanty notion of justice and the obligations of rule involve little more than inventing new terrors by which we may cow and control others. Power, I think, is a habit as terrible as the potion I must now sip in order to sustain myself. It feeds upon itself. It is a hungry beast, devouring those who would possess it and those who hate it—devouring even those who own it.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “The Dreamthief’s Pledge” (p. 183)

* He gasped as he stepped forward to peer at them, observing living faces, eyes which were undying, lips frozen in expressions of terror, of anguish, of misery. They were like so many flies in amber.&lt;br&gt;“That’s the unchanging past, Prince Elric,” said Oone. “That’s the fate of those who seek to reclaim their lost beliefs without first experiencing the search for new ones.”
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Of Beauty Found in Deep Caverns” (pp. 215-216)

* They blinded themselves to the obvious. That is the great triumph of mindless need over intelligence and the human spirit.
** Book 2, Chapter 3 “Of Beauty Found in Deep Caverns” (p. 216)

* I now know that legends in themselves have no power. The power comes from the uses that the living make of the legend. The legends merely represent an ideal.
** Book 3, Chapter 2 “The Destruction in the Fortress” (p. 260)

* “Fate is cruel, Oone. It would be better if it provided us with one unaltering path. Instead it forces us to make choices, never to know if those choices were for the best.”&lt;br&gt;“We are mortals,” she said with a shrug. “That is our particular doom.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Celebrations at the Silver Flower Oasis” (p. 267)

* Everything you have done, my nobles, has been stupid. You have been cruel, greedy, careless of others’ lives and wills. You have been blind, thoughtless, provincial and unimaginative. It seems to me that a government so careless of anything but its own gratification should be at very least replaced.
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “Certain Matters Resolved in Quarzhasaat” (p. 280)

==== ''[[w:The Sailor on the Seas of Fate|The Sailor on the Seas of Fate]]'' (1976) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “We are fated,” he said. “We have little free will, for all we deceive ourselves otherwise. If we perish or live through this venture, it will not count for much in the overall scheme of things.
** Book 1 “Sailing to the Future,” Chapter 3 “Some Reference to the Three Who Are One” (p. 306)

* “All this is doubtless pre-ordained. Our destinies have been linked from the first.”&lt;br&gt;“Such philosophies can lead to unhealthy fatalism,” said Terndrik of Hasghan. “Best believe our fates are our own, even if the evidence denies it.”
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Some Reference to the Three Who Are One” (p. 307)

* “You blame the gods, then?”&lt;br&gt;“I blame the despair that the gods brought.”
** Book 3, “Sailing to the Past,” Chapter 6 “The Jade Man’s Eyes” (p. 401)

* “Men may trust men, Prince Elric, but perhaps we’ll never have a truly sane world until men learn to trust mankind. That would mean the death of magic, I think.”
** Book 3, Chapter 7 “The Irony of It” (p. 413)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Weird of the White Wolf]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: Song of the Black Sword'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-195-X}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Note that in this edition the usual title for the collection is not used; instead, only the titles of the stories from which the book was composed are listed. All quotes below are from the story ''While the Gods Laugh'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “Despairingly, sometimes, I seek the comfort of a benign god, Shaarilla. My mind goes out, lying awake at night, searching through black barrenness for something—anything—which will take me to it, warm me, protect me, tell me that there is order in the chaotic tumble of the universe; that it is consistent, this precision of the planets, not simply a brief, bright spark of sanity in an eternity of malevolent anarchy.”&lt;br&gt;Elric sighed and his quiet tones were tinged with hopelessness. “Without some confirmation of the order of things, my only comfort is to accept the anarchy. This way, I can revel in chaos and know, without fear, that we are doomed from the start—that our brief existence is both meaningless and damned. I can accept, then, that we are more than forsaken, because there was never anything there to forsake us. I have weighed the proof, Shaarilla, and must believe that anarchy prevails, in spite of all the laws which seemingly govern our actions, our sorcery, our logic. I see only chaos in the world. If the book we seek tells me otherwise, then I shall gladly believe it. Until then, I will put my trust only in my sword and myself.”
** Chapter 1, “A Woman Who Would Risk Grief to Her Soul” (p. 451)

* I do not know. That is the only ''real'' truth, Shaarilla. ''I do not know.''
** Chapter 1, “A Woman Who Would Risk Grief to Her Soul” (p. 452)

* With a crash, the cover fell to the floor, sending the bright gems skipping and dancing over the paving stones.&lt;br&gt;Beneath Elric’s twitching hands lay nothing but a pile of yellowish dust.&lt;br&gt;“No!” His scream was anguished, unbelieving. “No!” Tears flowed down his contorted face as he ran his hands through the fine dust. With a groan which racked his whole being, he fell forward, his face hitting the disintegrated parchment. Time had destroyed the Book—untouched, possibly forgotten, for three hundred centuries. Even the wise and powerful gods who had created it had perished—and now its knowledge followed them into oblivion.
** Chapter 4, “Of Partings and Profits” (p. 473)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Sleeping Sorceress]]'' (1971) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Also published under the title of ''The Vanishing Tower'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “It is a dilemma known to all men, perhaps,” Rackhir said. “At least to some degree.”&lt;br&gt;“Aye—to wonder what purpose there is to one’s existence and what point there is to purpose, even if it should be discovered.”
** Book 3 “Three Heroes With a Single Aim,” Chapter 1 “Tanelorn Eternal” (p. 92)

* “I am so weary of gods and their struggles,” he murmured as he mounted his golden mare.&lt;br&gt;Moonglum stared out into the desert.&lt;br&gt;“But when will the gods themselves weary of it, I wonder?” he said. “If they did, it would be a happy day for Man. Perhaps all our struggling, our suffering, our conflicts are merely to relieve the boredom of the Lords of the Higher Worlds. Perhaps that is why when they created us they made us imperfect.”
** Book 3, Chapter 6 “Pale Lord Shouting in Sunlight” (p. 128)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Revenge of the Rose]]'' (1991) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* I am for no master nor moral persuasion. I am for myself. What your yearning soul, madam, might mistake for loyalty to person or Purpose is merely a firm and, aye, ''principled'' determination to accept responsibility only for myself and my own actions.
** Book 1 “Concerning the Fate of Empires,” Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (p. 137)

* Their glory in earthly power had brought them to decadent ruin, as it brought down all empires who gloried in gold or conquest or those other ambitions which can never be satisfied but must forever be fed.
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (p. 138)

* Elric was recollecting what was best and noblest in his own people and in himself, and even as he celebrated this he mourned the self-obsessed creatures they had become, using their power merely to preserve their power and that, he supposed, was true decay...
** Book 1, Chapter 1 “Of Love, Death, Battle &amp; Exile” (pp. 144-145)

* The man is a relic, gentlemen, from an age most of us have only read about. He would have us judged by our wealth and our martial glory rather than our goodwill and tranquility of spirit.
** Book 1, Chapter 3 “Peculiar Geography of an Unknown Realm” (p. 167)

* There are subjects forbidden by good manners, it seems. As in many societies, I suppose, where the very fundamentals of their existence are the subject of the deepest taboos. What is this terror of reality, I wonder, which plagues the human spirit?
** Book 1, Chapter 4 “On Joining the Gypsies” (pp. 188-189)

* “Human love,” says Fallogard Phatt, turning his eyes from his vision, “it is finally our only real weapon against entropy...”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 200)

* “Intelligence and power were never the same thing,” murmurs the Rose, departing from her own train of thought for a moment. “Frequently a lust for power is nothing more than an impulse of the stupidly baffled who cannot understand why they have been treated so badly by Dame Fortune. Who can blame those brutes, sometimes? They are outraged by random Nature. Perhaps the gods feel the same? Perhaps they make us endure such awful trials because they know we are actually superior to them? Perhaps they have become senile and forget the point of their old truces?”&lt;br&gt;“You speak truth in one area, madam,” said Elric. “Nature distributes power with about the same lack of discrimination as she distributes intelligence or beauty or wealth, indeed!”&lt;br&gt;“Which is why mankind,” says Wheldrake, revealing a little of his own background, “has a duty to correct such mistakes of justice that Nature makes.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 200)

* “Be silent!” That is the perpetual admonition of Tyranny. Tyranny bellows ‘Be silent!’ even to the screams of its victims, the pathetic moans and groanings and supplications of its trampled millions.”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 202)

* “One may mirror the truth or seek to assuage it,” said Elric. “Sometimes one can even try to change it...”&lt;br&gt;Wheldrake took a sudden pull on his bumper. “I was not raised to a world, sir, where truth was malleable and reality a question of what you made it. It is hard for me to hear such notions. Indeed, sir, I will admit to you that it alarms me. Not that I fail to appreciate the wonder of it, sir, or the optimism which you are, in your own way, expressing. It is just that I was born to trust and celebrate certain senses and accept that a great unchanging beauty was the order of the universe, a set of natural laws which, as it were, coincided in subtle ways with a mighty machine—intricate and complex but ultimately rational. This Nature, sir, was what I celebrated and worshipped, as other might celebrate and worship a Deity. What you suggest, sir, seems to me retrogressive. These, surely, are closer to the discredited notions of alchemy?”
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 203)

* One by one, with appalling deliberation, the villages of the Gypsy Nation crawl to the edge and plunge into the abyss.&lt;br&gt;To stop is obscene. They do not know how to stop. They can only die.&lt;br&gt;Elric, too, is screaming now, as he forces his horse forward. But he screams, he knows, at the apparent inevitability of human folly, of people who can destroy themselves to honour a principle and a habit that has long since ceased to have any practical function. They are dying because they would rather follow habit than alter their course.
** Book 1, Chapter 5 “Conversations With Clairvoyants” (p. 207)

* Did you not tell me once that patronage of the artist was the only valuable vocation to which a prince might aspire?
** Book 2 “Esbern Snare: The Northern Werewolf,” Chapter 1 “Consequences of Ill-Considered Dealings With the Supernatural” (p. 218)

* You desire power only for that most selfish of all ends, and therefore you know no boundaries in the seeking and the gaining of it.
** Book 2, Chapter 2 “In Which Old Acquaintances Are Resumed and New Agreements Reached” (p. 226)

* “In my own world, sir, sad to say, human prejudice is matched only by human folly. Not a soul claims to be prejudiced, of course, as there are few who would describe themselves as fools...”&lt;br&gt;Elric, chewing on a piece of barely palatable salt beef, remarked that this seemed a quality of a good deal of society, throughout the multiverse.
** Book 2, Chapter 4 “Land at Last!” (p. 241)

* “As I believe I observed earlier,” said the albino prince to the still-cowed Gaynor, “the most powerful of beings are not necessarily the most intelligent, nor, indeed, sane, nor well-mannered. The more one knows of the gods, the more one learns this fundamental lesson...”
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “Detecting Certain Hints of the Higher Worlds” (p. 259)

* For this was the other thing that Elric knew; that to compromise with Tyranny is always to be destroyed by it. The sanest and most logical choice lay always in resistance.
** Book 2, Chapter 5 “Detecting Certain Hints of the Higher Worlds” (p. 259)

* I must admit, sir, that I have modified the verses a little, to allow for the new things I have learned, so I am an unreliable source of truth, sir, save in its most fundamental sense. Like a majority of poets, sir.
** Book 3 “A Rose Redeemed; A Rose Revived,” Chapter 1 “Of Weapons Possessed of Will” (p. 270)

* “I did not say that we would not fight,” her sister said firmly, “I said that we would not resort to the building of empires. These are two distinct things.”&lt;br&gt;“I understand you, my lady,” said the albino, “and I accept the difference. I have no liking for my people’s penchant for empire-building.”&lt;br&gt;“Well, my lord, there are many other ways to achieve security.”
** Book 3, Chapter 3 “Rituals of Blood; Rituals of Iron” (p. 285)

==== ''[[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The Bane of the Black Sword]]'' (1977) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Note that in this edition the usual title for the collection is not used; instead, only the titles of the stories from which the book was composed are listed. The quote below is from the story ''The Stealer of Souls'' &lt;/small&gt;

* “Assassins have attempted to eliminate the trader, but unfortunately, they were not lucky.”&lt;br&gt;Elric laughed. “How disappointing, my friends. Still assassins are the most dispensable members of the community—are they not? And their souls probably went to placate some demon who would otherwise have plagued more honest folk.”
** Chapter 1, “Spurned and Spurned Again” p. 333

==== ''[[w:Stormbringer (novel)|Stormbringer]]'' (1965) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Elric: The Stealer of Souls'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-852-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “Thanks,” said Elric, “and what did you give in the first place for the power to summon such a demon?”&lt;br&gt;“Why, my soul, of course. But it was an old one and not of much worth. Hell could be no worse than this existence.”
** Book 1 “Dead God’s Homecoming,” Chapter 2 “A Woman of Vision” (p. 447)

* Why do we worship such a god when whim decides him so often?
** Book 1, Chapter 4 “Of Living Swords and Dead Gods” (p. 463)

* A man who can’t forget the past is a man who cannot plan for the future.
** Book 2 “Black Sword’s Brothers,” Chapter 1 “Of Alliances and Quarrels” (p. 485)

* Elric knew that in reality Chaos was the harbinger of stagnation, for though it changed constantly, it never progressed.
** Book 3, “Sad Giant’s Shield,” Chapter 3 “A Watery Summoning” (p. 545)

* Are the gods mad or are they so subtle we cannot fathom the workings of their minds?
** Book 3, Chapter 4 “What the Sea God Said” (p. 554)

* Regret is useless since it can achieve nothing.
** Book 4, “Doomed Lord’s Passing,” Chapter 1 “When the Sun Stopped” (p. 577)

* Only Law could create such perfection and, Elric thought, such perfection defeated progress. That the twin forces complemented one another was now plainer than ever before, and for either to gain complete ascendancy over the other meant entropy or stagnation for the cosmos. Even though Law might dominate the Earth, Chaos ''must'' be present, and vice versa.
** Book 4, Chapter 2 “Dark Revelations” (p. 582)

=== [[w:Michael Moorcock bibliography|The von Bek family]] ===

==== ''[[w:The War Hound and the World's Pain|The War Hound and the World's Pain]]'' (1981) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* That evening I lit many candles and sat in the library wearing fresh linen and drinking good wine while I read a treatise on astronomy by a student of Kepler’s and reflected on my increasing disagreement with Luther, who had judged reason to be the chief enemy of Faith, of the purity of his beliefs. He had considered reason a harlot, willing to turn to anyone’s needs, but this merely displayed his own suspicion of logic. I have come to believe him the madman Catholics described him as. Most mad people see logic as a threat to the dream in which they would rather live, a threat to their attempts to make the dream reality (usually through force, through threat, through manipulation and through bloodshed). It is why men of reason are so often the first to be killed or exiled by tyrants.
** Chapter 1 (pp. 11-12)

* One can act too much in the cause of self-preservation and experience nothing fresh as a result.
** Chapter 2 (p. 25)

* “Could you punish a heretic?”&lt;br&gt;“Madam, I do not know what a heretic really is. The word is made much of, these days. It seems to describe anyone you wish dead.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 27)

* Scholarly men were suspect in my town. Women could not admit to scholarship at all. Men are afraid of two things in this world, it seems—women and knowledge. Both threaten their power, eh?
** Chapter 2 (p. 31)

* “In Hell you become what you fear yourself to be. In Heaven you may become what you hope yourself to be,” said Lucifer.
** Chapter 3 (p. 42)

* I said: “Then in reality I had little choice.”&lt;br&gt;“Let us say that your character has already determined your choice.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* I had always claimed to welcome the truth; yet now, in common with most of us, I was resentful of the truth because it called upon me to take an unwelcome course of action.
** Chapter 4 (p. 55)

* “I understand you now. But surely, if Lucifer is successful, we shall all be saved.”&lt;br&gt;The Wildgrave’s smile was bitter. “What logic provides you with that hope, von Bek? If God is merciful, He provides us with little evidence.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 79)

* At that moment I railed against a God who could condemn such an innocent soul to Purgatory. What had Sedenko done that was not the result of his upbringing or his religion, which encouraged him to kill in the name of Christ? It came to me that perhaps God had become senile, that He had lost His memory and no longer remembered the purpose of placing Man on Earth. He had become petulant, He had become whimsical. He retained His power over us, but could no longer be appealed to. And where was His Son, who had been sent to redeem us? Was God’s Plan not so much mysterious as impossible for us to accept: because it was a malevolent one?
** Chapter 7 (pp. 85-86)

* It had been some years since I had lost my Faith, save in my own capacity to survive a world at War, but evidently in the back of my mind there had always been some sense that through God one might find salvation. Now, as I journeyed in quest of the Holy Grail (or something identified as the Holy Grail), I not only questioned the possibility that salvation existed; I questioned whether God’s salvation was worth the earning. Again I began to see the struggle between God and Lucifer as nothing more than a squabble between petty princelings over who should possess power in a tiny, unimportant territory. The fate of the tenants of that territory did not much seem to matter to them; and even the reward of those tenants’ loyalty seemed thin enough to me.
** Chapter 8 (pp. 91-92)

* I watched him while he moved about in the nearby spinney below, bending and straightening, shaking snow from the sticks he found, and for some reason was reminded of the parable of Abraham and his son. Why should one serve a God who demanded such insane loyalty, who demanded that one deny the very humanity He was said to have created?
** Chapter 8 (p. 92)

* Again that smile of exquisite and self-congratulatory piety.
** Chapter 8 (p. 98)

* Do not speculate, Sedenko, on things for which no evidence exists. You will waste your time.
** Chapter 9 (p. 103)

* “What more could you need?”&lt;br&gt;I smiled in self-mockery. “Reassurance, I suppose.”&lt;br&gt;“That must come from your own judgment, from your own testing of your conscience. It is the only kind of reassurance worth having, as I’m sure you would agree.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 112)

* Man is a rationalizing beast, if not a rational one.
** Chapter 14 (p. 142)

* “I shall know soon.” I hesitated. “I shall know if all these adventurings, all these ordeals, have been meaningless or not. Man struggles in the belief that he can, by dint of perseverance, affect his own destiny. And all those efforts, I think, lead to nothing but ruin.
** Chapter 15 (p. 149)

* “Despair leads to many forms of thought,” said the magus, “and many kinds of action. Despair drives some to greater sanity, towards an analysis of the world as it is and what it might be. Others it drives to deep and dangerous insanity, towards an imposition of their own desires upon reality. I sympathize with your despair, Johannes Klosterheim, because it has no solace, in the end. Your despair is the worst there is to know. And yet men often look upon the likes of you and envy you, as you doubtless envy Duke Arioch, as Duke Arioch doubtless envies his master Lucifer, whom he would betray, and perhaps as Lucifer envied God. And what does God envy, I wonder? Perhaps he envies the simple mortal who is content with his lot and envies nobody.”
** Chapter 15 (p. 153)

* When he was dead I raised myself to my feet and I looked about me. Everything was still. A loneliness had come upon my soul.&lt;br&gt;There was darkness everywhere now but in the forest. And even here there were wisps of grey, as if evil crept in.&lt;br&gt;I lifted my head to the sky and I shook my fist. “Oh, I reject you. I reject your Heaven and I reject your Hell. Do as you wish with me, but know that your desires are petty and your ambitions have no meaning!”&lt;br&gt;I addressed no one. I addressed the universe. I addressed a void.
** Chapter 15 (p. 154)

* “The marvelous is of necessity a lie, a distortion. At best it is a metaphor which leads to the truth. I think that I know what causes the World’s Pain, lady. Or at least I think I know what contributes to that Pain.”&lt;br&gt;“And what would that be, Ulrich von Bek?”&lt;br&gt;“By telling a single lie to oneself or to another, by denying a single fact of the world as it has been created, one adds to the World’s Pain. And pain, lady, creates pain. And one must not seek to become saint or sinner, God or Devil. One must seek to become human and to love the fact of one’s humanity.”&lt;br&gt;I became embarrassed. “That is all I have learned, lady.”&lt;br&gt;“It is all that Heaven demands,” she said.
** Chapter 16 (p. 158)

* Can Hell and Heaven be merely the difference between ignorance and knowledge?
** Chapter 16 (p. 158)

* “So you are still our Master,” said Sabrina. She was frowning. She had come to be afraid again.&lt;br&gt;“Not so!” Lucifer turned, almost in rage. “You are your own masters. Your destiny is yours. Your lives are your own. Do you not see that this means an end to the miraculous? You are at the beginning of a new age for Man, an age of investigation and analysis.”&lt;br&gt;“The Age of Lucifer,” I said, echoing some of His own irony.&lt;br&gt;He saw the joke in it. He smiled.&lt;br&gt;“Man, whether he be Christian or pagan, must lean to rule himself, to understand himself, to take responsibility for himself. There can be no Armageddon now. If Man is destroyed, he shall have destroyed himself.”&lt;br&gt;“So we are to live without aid,” said Sabrina. Her face was clearing.&lt;br&gt;“And without hindrance,” said Lucifer. “It will be your fellows, your children and their children who will find the Cure for the World’s Pain.”&lt;br&gt;“Or perish in the attempt,” said I.&lt;br&gt;“It is a fair risk,” said Lucifer. “And you must remember, von Bek, that it is in my interest that you succeed. I have wisdom and knowledge at your disposal. I always had that gift for Man. And now that I may give it freely I choose not to do so. Each fragment of wisdom shall be earned. And it shall be hard-earned, captain.”
** Chapter 18 (p. 166)

* “Are you still afraid?” I asked her.&lt;br&gt;“No,” she said, “I am thankful. The world has been threatened too long by the extraordinary, the supernatural and the monstrous. I shall be happy enough to smell the pines and hear the song of the thrush. And to be with you, Captain von Bek.”&lt;br&gt;“The world is still threatened,” I said to her, “but perhaps not by Lucifer. I held her hand tightly.
** Chapter 18 (p. 166)

* I pray, in short, that God exists, that Lucifer brings about His own Redemption and that mankind therefore shall in time be free of them both forever: for until Man makes his own justice according to his own experience, he will never know what true peace can be.
** Chapter 18 (p. 168)

==== ''[[w:The City in the Autumn Stars|The City in the Autumn Stars]]'' (1986) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the author’s final revised version included in the omnibus trade paperback edition ''Von Bek'' published by White Wolf Publishing {{ISBN|1-56504-192-5}} &lt;/small&gt;

* But now the Mob’s passing whim had become the only law, as Robespierre himself would soon discover. I felt cruelly betrayed: by the Revolution, by men I had embraced as brothers, by Circumstance, and, as always, by God.
** Chapter 1 (p. 177)

* Once rich, moreover, I should again travel easily about Europe, for while in the public eye a poor radical is dangerous rogue, a rich radical is merely an eccentric gentleman!
** Chapter 1 (p. 181)

* This vast pile of natural beauty, those crags and fir trees and hovering hawks, those echoing ravines and vast tumblings of snow and earth, brought me swiftly to the understanding of my own insignificance and, indeed, the insignificance of all human struggle.
** Chapter 2 (pp. 194-195)

* “He’s vain. His vanity’s hurt by the world’s refusal to accept his remedies and become immediately Enlightened. And what does a vain man do when insulted, Sir?”...“He lashes out, Sir,” says I. “He seeks to portion blame. He fumes, Sir. He attacks. In the case before us, such is his despotic power, he kills. He kills, Sir. He wars on other nations. Mary’s blood, Sir, but this poor sphere of ours suffers more from the single, frustrated egoist than from any natural—or supernatural—misery. Your own Church’s history, Sir, illustrates my point well enough, eh? We are too frequently in the power of mad children, who rage and stamp and break Kingdoms as they break toys. They order thousands of deaths a day as if they were spoiled brats kicking at their dolls!”
** Chapter 2 (pp. 197-198; ellipsis represents a minor elision of description)

* I had sampled several such brotherhoods, including the Rosey Cross and the Orange Lodge, during the period in which I examined the Supernatural and found it not merely uninstructive but damnably dull, its members possessing nothing in the way of individual imagination and a great need to seek confirmation in numbers for the merits of miserable little madnesses....Such people as a rule were lonely, confounded misfits, attempting to alter the surrounding evidence of Nature by inventing abstractions to explain why common facts were false and ordinary reality a poor illusion.
** Chapter 3 (p. 210; ellipsis represents a minor elision of description)

* An unquestioned creed is a noose about the throat of Reason.
** Chapter 3 (p. 211)

* His stated principle is that all knowledge should be at the public disposal. He argues against the hoarding of scientific discoveries, believing that the miserly act of secretion is in itself bound to produce fear and unnecessary caution in the mind of the citizen. Superstitious destruction of the unfamiliar is its most common expression. Prince Badehoff-Fischer argues that in such matters a secret is parallel, if not identical, to a lie. Both occur because one body seeks power over another.
** Chapter 4 (p. 226)

* “It’s never ‘should’ with engineers, my old friend, but ‘how’? Have you not learned that much?”
** Chapter 4 (p. 231)

* The English, I now know, eat mashed fish and deviled sheep’s hearts to guarantee a bad digestion (and consequent irritability). It is their abominable cooking which has given them half the world as their Empire.
** Chapter 5 (p. 245)

* I had learned, after all, to trust neither religion nor politics and to put my faith in the realities of metal, wood and steam, in practical engineering, whose rules could neither be changed nor made the subject of morality, so why should I show reverence for mere antiquity?
** Chapter 5 (p. 262)

* If you were to believe all the old, degenerate German legends, there’s a Grail in every castle, a Charlemagne or an Arthur under every mound! There not a noble house without at least one werewolf offspring or a younger son who’s made a pact with the Devil, an uncle practising the profane arts of alchemy, a vampirical grandfather, a mad monk, a ruined abbey in the grounds where witches meet, an incarcerated lunatic (or heiress—or both), an infanticide or two (and a patricide), and, of course, a family ghost.
** Chapter 5 (p. 263)

* In other words, the listener’s own picture was painted in the shining coulours St Odhran provided. By seeing what they wished, they also saw what he wished them to see. “They are the Orchestra,” he had told me earlier, “and I am merely the Conductor.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 269)

* Do you know what damnation can be, Sir? It can be a state of permanent caution, making one chronically unable to risk anything, even a risk which might save one from extinction.
** Chapter 7 (p. 283)

* My instinct shouted “Conspiracy” but my head reasoned “Coincidence”.
** Chapter 8 (p. 291)

* Did God truly build and populate a small planet for His own purposes; perhaps merely to relieve His boredom?
** Chapter 8 (p. 294)

* Warlocks and witches debate to determine how to make their broomsticks fly again. But how shall they ever come together in strength? Even if your ideas had any truth, they’re so frequently, by their very character, at odds. Each claims to hold the key to the only wisdom. That’s where natural philosophers, who do not ''impose'' what they need to believe (or at least not so readily!) upon the world, but ''analyze'' what they see, have the strong advantage.
** Chapter 9 (p. 310)

* Destiny was apparently a word describing an individual’s desperate need for certainty.
** Chapter 12 (p. 349)

* I guessed he experienced the terrible confusion of a true solipsist when the outer world impinges.
** Chapter 13 (p. 357)

* Better wicked Lucifer for a master, thought I, than a pious Tyrant!
** Chapter 13 (p. 361)

* My bargain with God included the undertaking that I should play no direct part, merely supervise mankind’s self-redemption. Like yourself, my agents are those whose independence of thought is already well-established.
** Chapter 13 (p. 367; the speaker is Lucifer)

* Redefine the terms by which Man views the world, and thus eventually you redefine the world itself.
** Chapter  (p. 367)

* My own self-deception at least promised some kind of pleasure. Theirs offered nothing but terror and guilt.
** Chapter 14 (p. 375)

* I must believe you doomed to eternal life, but also to eternal repetition! Your true doom is simple to me. You lack brains, Sir.
** Chapter 14 (p. 376)

* We’ll build a world where Order shall prevail. A few more deaths are inconsequential, surely, if they guarantee us eternal life and absolute fulfillment?
** Chapter 14 (p. 376)

* “Are you aware we anticipate the Apocalypse, von Bek?”&lt;br&gt;“The obsession’s common enough, Montsorbier, amongst ignorant folk.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 377)

* You may be abandoned by Satan, Sir, and I abandoned by God, but that does not put us in the same cart, nor even upon the same road.
** Chapter 17 (p. 406)

* He had thought his wars over. Now he realized peace had been merely a lull.
** Chapter 17 (p. 407)

* You’re as worthless as one of that decrepit mob. Lucifer has rejected you. Now mankind rejects you. Have the good taste, Sir, to accept a fact!
** Chapter 17 (p. 408)

* You are martyred, as woman is ever martyred, particularly if she seeks her own power.
** Chapter 19 (p. 446)

* Thus woman trusts in man down all the years and so, as always, is betrayed.
** Chapter 19 (p. 446)

== About ==
* A whole tangle of series, possibly including everything Moorcock's written, not excluding his grocery lists, but I'm not sure; certainly includes most of his fantasy.  Various subseries are declared complete every so often, as for example in an ad for the Last Elric Book in the current issue of [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction|F&amp;amp;SF]]; such declarations sometimes prove true, but on the other hand, I've seen several previous Last Elric Books.
** Joe Bernstein, {{Usenet article|d9rkbu$2t2$1@reader1.panix.com|2005}}, describing the [[w:Eternal Champion|Eternal Champion]] series.

*Moorcock is an erudite Left-anarchist and a giant of fantasy literature. Almost everything he’s written is of interest, but Hawkmoon is chosen here in honor of Moorcock having said about it: “In a spirit consciously at odds with the jingoism of the day, I chose a German for a hero and the British for villains.”
**[[China Mieville]] [https://libcom.org/article/50-sci-fi-fantasy-works-every-socialist-should-read-china-mieville 50 Sci-Fi &amp; Fantasy Works Every Socialist Should Read]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Moorcock, Michael}}
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[[Category:Fantasy authors]]
[[Category:Journalists from England]]
[[Category:Editors from England]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Poets from England]]
[[Category:Lyricists]]
[[Category:Literary critics]]
[[Category:Musicians from England]]
[[Category:Anarchists]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Postmodern authors]]
[[Category:Nebula Award winners]]</text>
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    <title>The Powerpuff Girls</title>
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        <ip>2A05:4F44:1702:4900:525:CDEE:CD8F:E51</ip>
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      <comment>Throughout this episode, many bits of dialogue are stylized in all caps, which the bad words are spoken by Horrid Henry's voice.</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Powerpuff Girls|The Powerpuff Girls]]''''' is an American animated show created by Craig McCracken.  It follows the adventures of Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup, three little girls literally created from sugar, spice and everything nice. Their creator and father, Professor Utonium, adds Chemical X by mistake, giving the girls superpowers. They use their gifts to save the city of Townsville.

== Season 1 ==

===''Monkey See, Doggy Do/Mommy Fearest'' [1.1]===
:'''Blossom''': Gee, I sure hope we can find a trail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After changing everyone in Townsville into dogs with the Anubis Head]''
:'''Mojo''': All right, you flea-bitten curs! Heel! I, Mojo Jojo, am your master, and you shall obey my commands like the dogs you are! Because I am your master, it is I who you will obey! Obeying commands is what you will do! I will give you commands, and you will obey them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Not so fast...
:'''Buttercup''': Mojo...
:'''Bubbles''': Jojo!
:''[The Girls are changed into dogs]''
:'''Mojo''': Too late, Powerpuffs! Or should I say, &quot;Power-pups&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Oh Girls, I’m back from the ''store?!'' ''[drops his groceries upon seeing the fight]'' What's going on here?!
:'''Sedusa''': ''[fake sobbing]'' Oh, Professor. Thank goodness you're back! The girls went just crazy and they all jumped on me when I came home.
:'''Blossom''': ''[angrily]'' No, Professor! It's not true!
:'''Buttercup''': She's really Sedusa!
:'''Bubbles''': And she grounded us so she can make off with the mayor's jewels!
:'''Sedusa''': LIARS! ''[to the Professor, fake whining]'' Professor, Sweetie, you believe me, don't you? Please...help me. Please.
:''[Professor grabs Sedusa's arms and the girls think they are getting grounded again]''
:'''Professor''': ''[to the Girls]'' Girls, call the police. ''[the girls perk up]'' That crook is not going to deceive us anymore.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Yay!

===''Insect Inside/Powerpuff Bluff'' [1.2]===

===''Octi Evil/Geshundfight'' [1.3]===

===''Buttercrush/Fuzzy Logic'' [1.4]===
:'''Ace''': Oh, Powerpuff Girls. Please forgive my foolish friend for his foolish act, for he did not know what he was doing. And I know deep inside my heart that he would never do anything like that ever again. What do you say, girls? Will you forgive him? Will you? Please?
:'''Blossom''': Okay.
:'''Ace''': Thank you. ''[winks at Buttercup]''

===''Boogie Frights/Abracadaver'' [1.5]===
:''[Being chased by Boogie Man]''
:'''Bubbles''': Buttercup? Blossom? Oh, no! I - I can't do it alone! ''[crying]''
:'''Professor Utonium''': ''[in Bubbles' memory]'' ''Bubbles, if you can just face your fears, then I know you can find the courage to beat him.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the end of the episode]''
:'''Narrator''': And once again, the day is saved! ''[the Girls appear, sleeping in bed]'' Get it? The ''day'' was saved? You don't get it. Because it was going to be perpetual night! You know, the daylight. They saved the day, literally! ''[laughs]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[wakes up as Buttercup glares through one eye]'' Shh!
:''[Both she and Buttercup go back to sleep; through all this, Bubbles is not disturbed one bit]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[voice sinks to a whisper]'' Oh, sorry. Thanks to the Powerpuff Girls. Goodnight, everybody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Excuse me, Mr. Zombie, sir?
:'''Abracadaver''': Wha-?
:'''Blossom''': Could you stop destroying Townsville with your evil zombie magic?
:'''Bubbles, Buttercup''': Please?
:'''Abracadaver''': ''[gasps upon seeing Blossom]'' You! You're that girl! ''[imagines her as the girl from long ago]'' Girl with bear!
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Abracadaver''': YOU RUINED AL LUSION! YOU MAKE THEM LAUGH AT ME, '''''BUT NOW, REVENGE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': So once again the day is saved thanks to the Powerpuff Girls.

===''Telephonies/Tough Love'' [1.6]===
:'''Narrator''': The city of Townsville! And what a beautiful city she is, full of- ''[a phone rings]'' Oh, excuse me. ''[answers phone]'' Uh, hello?
:'''Ace''': ''[over phone]'' Yeah, listen, jerkface, you good-for-nothin' toad!
:'''Narrator''': You can't talk to me like that!
:'''Ace''': ''[over phone]'' How 'bout this? I think you stink! I can smell ya over the phone!
:'''Narrator''': Why I oughta...who is this? ''[Ace hangs up]'' Hello? Hello?! ''[turns over to the Gangreen Gang who laugh after making prank calls]'' Oh. The Gangreen Gang. Why, you crank-calling, good-for-nothings! When I get my hands on you, I'll...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Girls break into Mojo's lair and beat him up]''
:'''Mojo''': WHAT IS THE MEANING OF- ''[they shove the back of his chair down onto him, then throw him against the wall]''
:'''Blossom''': Don't play dumb. We know you've got some evil plot underway.
:'''Mojo''': What are you talking about?
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, like you don't have a giant robot ready to smash Townsville!
:'''Mojo''': No.
:'''Blossom''': ''[surprised]'' No diabolical plans to destroy the world?
:'''Mojo''': No.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[scared]'' Turning everyone into zombies to scare people?!
:'''Mojo''': Oh, for crying out loud, NO! I have no intentions of committing any crimes...today.
:'''Blossom''': Then what were you doing before we got here?
:'''Mojo''': Sleeping!
:'''Buttercup''': Before that?!
:'''Mojo''': Reading the paper!
:'''Blossom''': ''[deflated]'' Oh. ''[long pause]'' Well...you better behave yourself, or we'll be back!
:'''Mojo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh goodness, I'd better not snore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fuzzy was relaxing in the bathtub while playing his banjo, when he hears the Powerpuff Girls approaching for the fight]''
:'''Blossom''': Okay, Fuzzy. Prepare to get stomped!
:''[Fuzzy is splashed all over]''
:'''Buttercup''': This is for anything you broke! ''[decks him]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[pulling his antennae]'' This is for anyone you hurt!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[raising the banjo over her head]'' And this is for taking a bath! ''[swings and hits Fuzzy on the head with the banjo, which causes him to sink in the bathtub]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[realizes]'' Uh-oh. I think maybe he was just taking a bath.
:'''Bubbles''': Fuzzy...?
:'''Blossom''': Um...we didn't mean to... ''[then Fuzzy rises from the bath, towering above them and beet red with anger. They look up at him and smile nervously with a giggle]'' I guess you weren't going crazy. You were just taking a bath.
:''[All three giggle and inch away to one side before dashing off at top speed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Girls have just broken into Him's lair to find him doing aerobics]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Hello, girls. What a pleasant surprise. Ooh, what's the occasion?
:'''Blossom''': Uh, we were wondering...
:'''Him''': How I stay so fit? Well, now you know.
:'''Blossom''': Uh, no, actually. Did you do anything evil today?
:'''Him''': No, not today. Why do you ask?
:'''Blossom''': No reason, just wondering.
:'''Him''': This figure doesn't come easy, you know. I took a little time off to get into shape.
:'''Blossom''': So, you haven't been...?
:'''Him''': Nope.
:'''Blossom''': ''[chuckling nervously]'' Okay, I guess we'll see you later.
:'''Him''': I guess you will.
:'''Blossom''': Okay, bye, then.
:''[The Girls fly off]''
:'''Him''': Goodbye, girls. Come back soon. ''[stretches his left arm as he reaches the telephone receiver]'' Goodbye...
:''[Cut to Mojo's base]''
:'''Mojo''': ''[on the phone with Fuzzy]'' All right, all right, Fuzzy, I heard you the first time...I know. ''[the line beeps]'' I kn - hold on, Fuzzy. There's someone on the other line. ''[presses a button to pick up another call]''
:'''Him''': ''[over the phone, demonic voice]'' '''Mojo! It's me...''' ''[split-screen view to show him; effeminate voice]]' ...&quot;Him&quot;.
:'''Mojo''': ''[jumping off of the chair, saluting]'' Yes, sir! What is it?
:'''Him''': ''[demonic voice]'' '''You won't believe what just happened!'''
:'''Mojo''': ''[hops back on his chair]'' The Powerpuff Girls just broke in unexpected?
:'''Him''': '''What?! How did you know?!'''
:'''Mojo''': The same thing happened to me and Fuzzy Lumpkins. He's on the other line.
:'''Him''': '''Well, put him on!'''
:''[Mojo pushes a button on his phone, and the screen splits again to show Fuzzy]''
:'''Fuzzy''': BUSHWHACKED IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!!!
:'''Him''': '''This is an outrage!'''
:'''Mojo''': You are right. We're all citizens. Evil citizens, but citizens nonetheless.
:'''Fuzzy''': Birthday suit! ''[cries]''
:'''Him''': '''We should complain!'''
:'''Mojo''': But to who?
:''[We cut to the Town Hall where the Gangreen Gang sleeps everywhere in the Mayor's office. The phone rings]''
:'''Big Billy''': ''[answers the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Him''': ''[demonic voice]'' '''I demand to speak with the Mayor!'''
:'''Big Billy''': He's not here right now. Can I take a massage?
:'''Him''': ''[demonic voice]'' '''Do you know when he'll be back?'''
:'''Big Billy''': Uh...I don't know. See, Grubber tricked the Mayor into leaving so we could break in and use the Powerpuff hotline to make crank calls.
:'''Him''': ''[demonic voice]'' '''Huh?!''' ''[effeminate voice]'' You don't say. Well, to whom might I be speaking?
:'''Big Billy''': Uh, this is Billy.
:'''Him''': Billy who?
:'''Big Billy''': Big Billy from the Gangreen Gang. Who is this? ''[Him hangs up the phone]'' Hello?
:''[A crash suddenly shakes the room, snapping the Gangreen Gang awake. Him, Mojo Jojo, and Fuzzy Lumpkins have come in, looking enraged]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' So, you guys like to make ''[demonic voice]'' '''crank calls!'''
:''[Him, Mojo, and Fuzzy proceed to beat up the Gangreen Gang]''
:'''Mayor''': ''[mumbling to himself]'' Oh, of all the foolishness. Cut the ribbon, pshaw! ''[stops short and looks on in surprise]'' Oh, my! ''[sees Mojo, Fuzzy, and Him beating up the Gangreen Gang, and tips over to the hotline to call the Powerpuff Girls]''
:''[The girls are sleeping at night, when the hotline buzzes]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Mayor''': ''[over the hotline]'' Powerpuff Girls, you're not gonna believe this! The Gangreen Gang, Mojo Jojo, Fuzzy Lumpkins and Him are fighting right here in my office!
:'''Blossom''': ''[hangs up]'' Yeah, right, Mayor, very funny. ''[tucks herself back in bed]''
:''[The hotline buzzes again, which annoys the girls. Then Buttercup uses her laser eyes to destroy the hotline, before going back to bed]''
:'''Girls''': Goodnight, Professor!
:''[But the professor is still on hold since the beginning of an episode]''
:'''Narrator''': So once again the day is saved! Thanks to...Mojo?...Fuzzy?...and Him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Those little scamps are so adorable! How we just love the Powerpuff Girls!
:''[Him is in a bathtub, looking angry]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Oh, how I ''[demonic]'' '''HATE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!'''
:'''Narrator''': Hate the Powerpuff Girls?! Who could hate the...? Oh, no. Please don't let it be...Him!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, Powerpuff Girls, save us! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we need you! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we ''love'' you! ''[demonic]'' '''Powerpuff Girls! Powerpuff Girls! POWERPUFF GIRLS!''' ''[looks at a rubber ducky; effeminate]'' Oh, Mr. Quackers, am I the only one who ''[demonic]'' '''hates those''' ''[effeminate]'' miserable little brats? ''[squeaks his ducky]'' You hate them, too? Oh, I knew I could count on you! But how can I possibly beat them with all that ''[demonic]'' '''love surrounding them?!''' ''[squeaks his ducky; effeminate]'' What's that you say? ''[squeaks his ducky again]'' Yes! ''[demonic]'' '''That's brilliant!''' ''[effeminate]'' Oh, Mr. Quackers, you are ''so'' smart. Quite a positively evil scheme you've hatched. And I'll finally be rid of those girls... ''[demonic]'' '''FOREVER!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Poor, ususpecting Townsville, all snug in your beds. Unaware of the evil that lurks above your heads. And so, with a flick of my wrist and a twirl of my claw, I'll be rid of those girls once and ''[demonic]'' '''for all.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[Ms. Keane and the students of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten are throwing things at the girls]''
:'''Blossom''': I've heard of class struggles, but this is ridiculous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Wow, this has turned out to be one freaky day.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah. Something strange is going on.
:'''Narrator''': ''[affected by Him's evil gas and yelling]'' Aw, for crying out loud, WOULD YOU THREE SHUT UP FOR ONCE?! Always griping and moaning about something! Sheesh, you give me a headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[Buttercup rises and knocks the mob away with one punch, stunning Him]''
:'''Buttercup''': Come on, you guys, get up and fight!
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup, what are you doing? We can't hurt the ones we love.
:'''Buttercup''': Those people ''aren't'' our loved ones. Our loved ones would never want to hurt us!
:'''Blossom, Bubbles''': ''[getting the point]'' Hey, yeah!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[points to Him]'' They're just pawns in his evil scheme!
:'''Him''': ''[giggles; effeminate]'' Well, you know...
:'''Buttercup''': Which means...
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Let's get 'em!
:'''Him''': ''[frowns]'' Uh-oh.
:''[After the Powerpuff Girls defeat their loved ones and rid them of Him's evil gas, they confront Him]''
:'''Blossom''': Don't ever make us have to do that again!
:'''Buttercup''': Or it will be your last!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. You girls underestimate me. I never give repeat performances. But I assure you, I'll be back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[At the hospital]''
:'''Blossom''': So now you know why we had to do what we did. We all feel really bad, and hope that you'll forgive us.
:'''Bubbles''': Besides, it hurt us a lot more than it hurt you.
:'''Citizens''': Well now, we wouldn't say that! ''[all laughing]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[laughing, then groaning]'' Don’t worry, we forgive you. Because once again, the day is saved, thanks to The Powerpuff Girls! Oh, nurse, isn't it time for my sponge bath?

===''Major Competition/Mr. Mojo's Rising'' [1.7]===
:'''Narrator''': '''THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE IS ON FIRE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mugger''': ''[holding an old woman at gunpoint]'' Uh...everybody freeze or the old lady gets it!
:''[The crowd gasps in terror]''
:'''Major Man''': Halt, vile villain, or taste the bitter flavor of justice that Major Man will serve you!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[sing-song voice]'' Cor-ny!
:''[The crowd shushes her]''
:'''Mugger''': I'm sorry, Major Man! My doctor told me to cut down on justice! But he did say I could have all the ''greens'' I want! ''[grabs money from the purse]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Boy, the hotline hasn't run in ages!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mayor''': That was so hard to do! ''[pause]'' Anyway, time to move on and forget about the past! Gotta make room for the future!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Let's beat the stuffing out of him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mojo Jojo's letter to the Girls:]''
:Dear Powerpuff Girls,
:I have kidnapped Professor Utonium! I have taken him someplace against his will! If you look for him in the spots he likes to be, you will not find him! He's with me - but not by choice! I took him and he didn't like it!
:This message is from, and was written by, Mojo Jojo.
:'''Bubbles''': Who could have done this?
:''[Blossom and Buttercup look annoyed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[laughs]'' Wow; talk about ironic! Professor creates Mojo, Mojo creates Girls! It's crazy, I tell you! ''[laughs some more]'' Yeah!  So, once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls, but thanks ORIGINALLY to Mojo Jojo!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': It was me. It was me. It was me. It was me. It was me.
:''[Episode ends]''

===''Paste Makes Waste/Ice Sore'' [1.8]===
:'''Buttercup''': '''EAT THIS, PASTE EATER!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loyd &amp; Floyd''': ''[frightened]'' Hey, dude...
:'''Mitch Mitchelson''': What?!
:'''Loyd &amp; Floyd''': Dude...Dude...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Elmer, who has turned into a giant paste monster, and is covered in flour; sing-song voice]'' You can't stick to me! You can't stick to me! Nyah nyah nyah-nyah- ''[Elmer grows a hole in his stomach and Buttercup flies through it]'' -Nyah???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': You know what you have to do!
:'''Buttercup''': '''No! Anything but that!'''
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup! ''[getting covered with glue along with Bubbles]''
:'''Buttercup''': No, no, no, no, no! All right! '''ELMER!'''
:'''Elmer''': Huh?
:'''Buttercup''': Uh...I-I-I'm...s-s-s-so-s-s-so-o-o...o-o-r-r...r-r-r-ry!
:'''Elmer''': ''[normal voice]'' Wh-wh-what?
:'''Buttercup''': I'm...sorry if I picked on you, and...I'm sorry if I called you a...paste eater.
:'''Elmer''': ''[sniffs, rubs his nose, and takes Blossom and Bubbles out of the sticky glue]'' Thanks, Buttercup. That's all I ever wanted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': ''[after finding out that Blossom has &quot;ice breath&quot;]'' Make the floor all ice, like in ''[[Tom and Jerry]]''! That's my favorite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Hi, Pablo!
:'''Pablo''': Blossom, how come your sisters are so mean?
:'''Blossom''': Oh, it's 'cause I have ice power and they don't and they're all jealous.
:'''Bubbles and Buttercup''': Nyah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Blossom has accidentally caused crooks to get away with her ice breath]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[angrily]'' Way to go, Ice Princess.
:'''Bubbles''': You did a bad thing, Blossom.
:'''Blossom''': I know. ''[flies over to cops she accidentally froze]'' Sorry, Mr. Policeman. ''[flies over to citizens she accidentally froze]'' Sorry, people of Townsville. ''[flies over to a tree she accidentally froze]'' Sorry, tree. I promise, I'll never use my ice powers again.

===''Bubblevicious/The Bare Facts'' [1.9]===
:'''Bubbles''': Professor! ''[flying to window]'' You turned it down again! I'm just as tough as Blossom and Buttercup! I can handle the rough stuff too! Come on, you guys! Turn it up just this once. I'll show ''[the robot fires the laser at her, causing her to shriek]'' '''''YOU!'''''
:'''Professor''': You see, Bubbles, you're not ready for the higher levels yet. ''[She hangs her head]'' Oh, don't worry, cheer up. Someday you will be.
:'''Bubbles''': It's not fair. ''[floats off]''
:'''Professor''': She's so cute when she's all pouty like that. ''[Cut to the bedroom]'' Now I want you girls to go right to sleep. You've had a hard day of training, and you need your rest. Good night.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': ''[thinking]'' It's not fair! I'm just as tough and strong and mean as Buttercup and Blossom, but they just don't believe me. They all treat me like a baby. I'll show them. I'll prove that I can be....'''HARDCORE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Let's play duck-duck-goose. I'll be it. ''[begins to fly around the circle]'' Duck... Duck... Duck... ''[tapping Bubbles]'' Goose! Can't catch me! ''[flies across the playground, with Bubbles in hot pursuit; laughing]'' What's the matter? Am I too fast for cute little Bubbles?
:''[Angered, Bubbles puts on an extra burst of speed and catches Blossom, driving her face into the ground]''
:'''Bubbles''': Ha! I got you! You're out! Done! Finished! You were beaten down, sister, by &lt;big&gt;'''CUTE!! LITTLE!!! ''BUBBLES!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Sheesh, relax, it's just a game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': The Bubbles you know is gone! &lt;big&gt;'''''I'M HARDCORE NOW!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': But, um, you're going overboard.
:'''Blossom''': That's not the Powerpuff way.
:'''Bubbles''': Forget the Powerpuff way! I'm doing it my way. I can handle Townsville myself!
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Buttercup''': But we're a team!
:'''Blossom''': We look out for each other.
:'''Bubbles''': I don't mean to burst your bubble, girls, but from now on... ''[flying past them]'' ...I fly solo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Man, Bubbles, we really underestimated you.
:'''Buttercup''': And you know what?
:'''Bubbles''': '''''WHAT?!'''''
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': You're hardcore!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[turning around, softening]'' Really? ''[giggling]'' Aw, shucks. And girls, I'm sorry for running off. ''[Mojo recovers from his injuries]'' Mojo would never have gotten me if I had you two to look out for me.
:'''Blossom''': Team?
:'''Buttercup''': Team!
:'''Bubbles''': Team!
:''[They are hit by a beam from Mojo's blaster as Bubbles glares at a terrified Mojo]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[rapidly punching Mojo]'' Why, you...! How dare you zap me and my sisters?! Take this! And that! And this! And this! And that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah. We were flying to Mojo Jojo's house. I like flying. Oh, and then there were these really pretty clouds. And there was one that was shaped like a heart, and there was this one that looked like a pretty pony, and there was one that looked like a cloud...

===''Cat Man Do/Impeach Fuzz'' [1.10]===

===''Just Another Manic Mojo/Mime for a Change'' [1.11a]===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Now to have some breakfast! ''[finds only one egg in the fridge]'' ONE EGG LEFT?! For a nutritious breakfast, TWO eggs is the minimum requirement! And I have but ONE, which is ONE shy of TWO! And it is TWO that I need! ''Curses!'' I must immediately purchase some eggs, for I need to have breakfast, and without the eggs I cannot have the breakfast that I so require! ''[storms down the long staircase that runs to the bottom of the volcano, then suddenly skids to a halt and pats his outfit in panic]'' I have forgotten my wallet! ''Curses!'' ''[storms back up. Cut to him returning down, to discover kids playing in his moat]'' '''HEY, YOU KIDS! GET OUT OF MY MOAT! IT IS NOT MADE TO BE PLAYED IN!''' ''[the kids ignore him, who leaves and muttering to himself]'' I must remember to destroy those kids after my breakfast has been eaten.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': ''[singing]'' Love, Love, love, la la love, la la love makes the world go round! Love, Love, love, la la love, la la love makes the world go round!

===''The Rowdyruff Boys'' [1.12]===
:''[After defeating Mojo]''
:'''Buttercup''': Give it up, Mo-joke!
:'''Bubbles''': You will never defeat us! So there! ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[resting her hands on her hips]'' The Powerpuff Girls never lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[singing]'' The Powerpuff Girls' house!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[picks up the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Hello.  May I speak to Professor Utonium?
:'''Bubbles''': Who shall I say is calling?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no one he'd know, just a curious stranger.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[shrill call]'' PROFESSOR! There’s a stranger on the phone!
:'''Professor''': ''[picking up the phone]'' Hello, Mr. Stranger, what can I do for you?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh. ''[clears throat]'' Ah, hi, I’m calling from Townsville Community College and I’m doing a report on the Powerpuff Girls, and I was wondering, what exactly are those little girls made of?
:'''Professor''': Ah, oh, well, the Powerpuff Girls.  Oh, let’s see now, eight cups of sugar, a pinch of spice, one tablespoon of everything nice, and, now this one’s important: accidentally add a drop of Chemical X.  And voila!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': That's it?  I mean, wow. Thanks.
:'''Professor''': I also have a great recipe for pound-
:''[Mojo hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Let’s see, snips and snails and a puppy dog’s tail...all that leaves is Chemical X. There must be something around here with that potency. Aha! ''[it’s a stinky toilet]'' Yes, definitely Chemical X!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After creating three Puff-esque boys, Mojo hugs them in a fatherly manner]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Ah, my children!
:'''Brick''': ''[grabs him threateningly]'' Hands off! Who do you think you are anyway, Pops?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Why, yes, I am your '''''father''''', children!
:'''Boomer''': Hey! We ain't no babies!
:'''Rowdyruff Boys''': WE'RE THE ROWDYRUFF BOYS!
:'''Boomer''': Boomer!
:'''Brick''': Brick!
:'''Butch''': Butch!
:'''Brick''': We're here to kick some butt! And since yours is the only one around, we're gonna start with you!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no, boys.  You don't want to kick my butt; my butt is as rotten as yours.  What you want are butts settled on the throne of justice!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Yeah!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Butts planted in the soil of nobility!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Yeah!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Butts nestled between the pillars of peace and love!  The butts you want to kick are the butts of the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Let's get 'em!
:'''Mojo''': I'd be glad to take you to them if we only had a way out of heeeeeeee- ''[getting picked up by Brick, and Boomer and Butch punch a hole in the ceiling, essentially busting Mojo out of jail easily]''
:'''Narrator''': Boy, oh, boy! Those boys are b-b-bad to the bone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': Hey! What's wrong with you girls?! You're supposed to start ''crying'' when we hit ya!
:'''Boomer''': Yeah!
:'''Blossom''': What are you guys, new?
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, we're the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Buttercup''': And it takes a lot more than a couple of cheap shots to make us cry!
:'''Brick''': ''[smirking]'' Well, then. I guess we'll just have to serve it up...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bubbles is thrown through a shop window]''
:'''Mr. Cooper''': Are you okay?
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah. Sorry about your window, Mr. Looper.
:'''Mr. Cooper''': It's Cooper! COOPER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Mayor''': And furthermore, every Wednesday shall be pretzel day!  ''[Blossom is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Blossom! ''[she slides down]'' Goodbye, Blossom.  ''[Bubbles is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Bubbles! ''[she slides down]'' Goodbye, Bubbles.  ''[Buttercup is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Buttercup! ''[she slides down]'' Goodbye, Buttercup.  What sort of pretzels do you suppose the girls like, Bavarian, or tiny twists?
:'''Miss Bellum''': Sir, I think the girls may be in trouble.
:'''The Mayor''': Whatever makes you say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Rowdyruff Boys zoom past the Powerpuff Girls, the exhaust leaves the Girls weakened and coughing]''
:'''Butch''': Good thing we had those burritos for lunch!
:'''Boomer''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, dude!
:'''Brick''': ''[snickers]'' Word! ''[fiercely]'' NOW LET'S '''FINISH THOSE SISSIES!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Bellum''': Listen. What do little boys fear more than anything in the world?
:'''Bubbles''': Bugs!
:'''Buttercup''':  No, Bubbles. That's what ''you’re'' afraid of.
:'''Bubbles''': Oh yeah.
:'''Miss Bellum''': Girls, you have what boys fear most. Instead of fighting, try being nice.
:'''Girls''': Huh?
:'''Miss Bellum''': You know. Nice.
:'''Blossom''': I get it.
:'''Buttercup''': Ew. Gross.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Girls magically kiss the Rowdyruff Boys, destroying them]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Curse you again, Powerpuff Girls! I'll be back, but next time I will not be defeated! It is ''you'' who will be defeated! And when you are defeated, it is ''you'' who will have ''lost''!
:'''Narrator''': Oh, Mojo, shut up!
:'''Blossom''': I kinda liked kissing.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah!
:''[She and Blossom giggle]''
:'''Blossom''': How about you, Buttercup?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[starts spitting in disgust]'' Yuck! Buck!
:''[Bubbles and Blossom laugh]''

===''Uh Oh Dynamo'' [1.13]===

==Season 2==

===''Stuck Up, Up, and Away/Schoolhouse Rocked'' [2.1]===
:'''Narrator''': The City of Townsville, and it's a shiny new day, with a shiny new limousine headed for Pokey Oaks Kindergarten.  Seems there will be a shiny new face joining the class today!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': I'll need some milk money for my first day of new school!  ''[her dad hands her some cash]''  I suppose this will do!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Blossom has used her ice breath on a flying Princess to rid her of her superpowered suit, and she falls, crying, but Blossom catches her before she can hit the ground]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[crying]'' Why won't you let me be a Powerpuff Girl?
:'''Blossom''': Because you're just a spoiled brat. ''[puts Princess down]'' And being a Powerpuff Girl isn't about getting your way, or having the best stuff, or being popular or powerful. It's about using your own unique abilities to help people and the world we all live in. And you, little girl, have done nothing worthy of the name &quot;Powerpuff.&quot;

===''Collect Her/Supper Villain'' [2.2]===
:'''Lenny''': ''[off-screen]'' Help! Help! Save me!
:'''Blossom''': Someone's in trouble!
:''[The girls fly into Lenny's apartment.]''
:'''Girls''': Whoa...
:'''Buttercup''': ''[uncomfortable at the sight of Lenny's collection]'' Oh,... this is seven kinds of creepy...
:'''Blossom''': ''[uncomfortable]'' Yeah, something tells me this isn't right.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[excited]'' Cool!
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': ''[off-screen]'' Bubbles!
:'''Bubbles''': Sorry.
:'''Lenny''': ''[off-screen]'' Hello, ladies. ''[appears at the door]'' Let me be the first to introduce you to my collection... ''[close-up of him with red, evil eyes]'' permanently!
:'''Girls''': ''[screaming in terror]''
:'''Professor Utonium''': ''[hears the girls' screams]'' The girls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kid''': ''[off-screen]'' Cool! ''[pan quickly to him; he is holding a box with Blossom’s picture]'' He’s got the limited-edition, trilingual talking Powerpuff dolls! You can’t even get these anymore!
:'''Lenny''': ''[reaches into view and snatches the box away; pull back to bring him into view]'' That’s because ''I'' bought them all!
:'''Kid''': But you didn’t even open ’em yet.
:'''Lenny''': Huh, duh! Hello! ''[knocking on kid’s head]'' Earth to kid! ''[close-up of him, panning slowly to the box]'' Toys are not for playing with. They are an investment. And opening the container of said item would dramatically decrease its collector’s value!
:''[The Professor reaches into view and yanks the box away.]''
:'''Professor''': ''[off-screen]'' You mean like... ''[cut to him, hand poised on the box top]'' ''this''?!
:''[Zoom in on the box; he rips it open; the sound echoes in the air as Lenny clasps his hands to his head in agony at the collector's value being lost thanks to the Professor's action. Close-up of him and tilt up.]''
:'''Lenny''': '''NOOOOOOOO!!!''' ''[cut to the Professor, shown the same way]''
:'''Professor''': Now tell me where the girls are! ''[Lenny is slumped against a wall]''
:'''Lenny''': ''[turns in defiance]'' Never!
:''[Cut to the Professor and pan left as he speaks. Next to him is a row of eager kids.]''
:'''Professor''': Okay, kids, grab some toys.
:''[They scatter and seize one package after another from the shelves. Back to the Professor.]''
:'''Professor''': It’s your move, Lenny. ''[pull back; the kids have the toys in hand]'' Tell us, or else. (Cut to Lenny and pan left.)
:'''Lenny''': Or else what?! ''[close-up of the Professor and tilt down right]''
:'''Professor''': Billy?
:''[One boy tears up the box he holds, and Lenny doubles over as if he has just been hit in the gut. Another package with its collector's value destroyed. Close-up of the Professor and pan left.]''
:'''Professor''': Had enough? ''[cut to Lenny; pan right]''
:'''Lenny''': ''You won’t get them!'' ''[The Professor; pan left]''
:'''Professor''': Susie?
:''[Now a girl opens her package. Cut to Lenny, who screams as he loses even more money from his prized possessions, and tilt up. Extreme close-up of the Professor’s mouth, panning left.]''
:'''Professor''': Now? ''[Lenny’s eyes, pan left]''
:'''Lenny''': NO! ''[cut to another boy]''
:'''Professor''': ''[off-screen]'' Jimmy?
:''[The boy rips open his box; Lenny clutches his stomach again in losing another investment; pans left. Extreme close-up of the Professor’s eyes, pans right.]''
:'''Professor''': Well? ''[Lenny’s mouth; pans left]''
:'''Lenny''': N-N-NO! ''[cut to another girl]''
:'''Professor''': ''[off-screen]'' Julie?
:''[She shreds her box, causing a great deal of physical discomfort to the toy collector. He cries out and begins to slump over. The toll of losing his investments is starting to take effect on him big time.]''
:'''Lenny''': ''[weakly]'' I think I’m gonna be sick... ''[drops to his knees. Cut to the Professor's feet and tilt up to him]''
:'''Professor''': You’ll tell us where they are, then?
:'''Lenny''': ''[defiantly]'' N-N-NEVER!
:'''Professor''': Well, suit yourself. Kids...?
:''[Shadows on the wall show one package after another being torn into confetti, and Lenny does not take it at all well. His reactions are similar to those exhibited by criminals who are being soundly thrashed by the Girls. Screaming and gibbering, he tumbles to the ground in slow motion and presumably falls unconscious upon hitting the carpet. The Professor crosses the room, his head cut off by the top of the screen.]''
:'''Professor''': Let me tell you something, Lenny. ''[stopping at Lenny, kneeling over him]'' You may have all of the toys, all of the merchandise, all of the so-called “collector’s value.” But one thing you don’t have, Lenny, is ''true fandom''. ''[zoom in slowly]'' For a true fan wouldn’t want to selfishly keep the girls to himself. A true fan would want them to be free. ''[straightens up. The background dissolves to red and white stripes, waving like the American flag, and his figure turns blue]'' Free to do the things they do best. To do the things we love most about them. ''[normal color returns; he bends down again]'' Now why don’t you be a fan... and tell me where they are?
:'''Lenny''': ''[weakly, pointing into air]'' T-the... t-top shelf.
:''[The Professor looks behind himself to where Lenny has indicated and smiles broadly when he sees the three packages; pull back to frame them on the shelf behind him.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Eat your pea, Professor. ''[the Professor stabs the pea with his fork slowly, trying to stall as long as possible]'' Eat it! ''[the Professor chews very slowly for 30 seconds]'' SWALLOW IT! ''[the Professor does so]''
:'''Marianne''': Who wants dessert?
:'''Professor Utonium''': ''[frantically]'' I do!
:'''Harold''': ''[annoyed]'' OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, MARIANNE!

===''Birthday Bash/Too Pooped to Puff'' [2.3]===

===''Dream Scheme/You Snooze, You Lose'' [2.4]===
:'''Bubbles''': A scavenger hunt? How terrible! I don't believe in hunting scavengers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[with bloodshot eyes and a crazed smile]'' I know who took my plans! ''[his eyes turn slowly to his left, then he suddenly points to his right]'' It was YOU! ''[a bird at his window chirps innocently]'' Well, then...it was YOU! ''[points at his telephone]'' It was ALL of you! ''[the room starts shaking]'' Ohh, the pounding, the pounding, why won't it stop?!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[pounding on the door]'' Why-won't-this-guy-answer?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[throws the door open]'' '''WHAT?!'''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[politely]'' Hello! Please, Mr. Mojo, sir, could we please borrow your supercharged high-tech laser, please?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Okay, okay, just don't bother me again. I'm trying to find my plans on how to destroy you.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[with Mojo's high-tech laser]'' THANK YOU, MOJO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mojo sees the Powerpuff Girls trapped in the machine he planned, with the clueless Amoeba Boys at the control panel]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''MY MACHINE!'''
:'''Junior''': ''[playing with the aiming yoke]'' Duh, hey, look, Boss, I'm drivin'!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[shoves them away]'' Get out of here! This is ''my'' machine! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now I've got you, Powerpuff Girls! And it is ''my'' plan that will destroy you! And then I will rule the world!
:'''Buttercup''': Mojo, you creep!
:'''Blossom''': This is the Amoebas' plan!
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah! You're just jealous!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[shocked and confused]'' No! No! It is mine, I tell you! I came up with the crab! And the laser! And even the chewing gum that holds you!
:'''Girls''': Chewing gum?!
:'''Blossom''': Girls! &quot;Chew&quot; thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Bubbles, Buttercup''': ''[nodding]'' Mmm-hmm!
:''[They chew their way free and fly at Mojo, blowing huge bubbles that burst explosively, knocking him from his seat. They then give him a beatdown as per usual, and then turn to the Amoeba Boys]''
:'''Blossom''': Well, Amoeba Boys! Playing dumb all these years!
:'''Bubbles''': When all the while, you were criminal masterminds!
:'''Buttercup''': Looks like it's the big house for you!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[going ballistic]'' But it is ''I'' who planned it! ''I'' did it, not them! ''I'' am the criminal mastermind! ''I'' am the evil genius! I smart, they dumb! ''I'' am responsible for trying to destroy you!
:'''Blossom''': ''[smiling]'' Okay. Then ''you'' go to jail.
:'''Mojo''': ''[triumphantly]'' That's right!

===''Beat Your Greens/Down 'n' Dirty'' [2.5]===

===''Slave the Day/Los Dos Mojos'' [2.6]===
:'''Narrator''': &quot;The city of Townsville... SMELLS&quot;?! Say, what's going on here? &quot;The Mayor's dumb&quot;?! That's just rude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Big Billy &quot;reads&quot; the girls a bedtime story]''
:'''Big Billy''': &quot;So the 3 Little Wolves went to the pig's house, and they said, 'FE FI FO FUM, you sure have big teeth, Grandma!' And so Hansel and the 3 Blind Mice climbed up the beanstalk to sell Mother Goose an old shoe!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': That's ''it!'' ''First,'' you let the bank robbers get away, ''then'' you destroy irreplaceable art, and '''''now''''' you've destroyed all of Townsville! You do even ''less'' damage as a member of the Gangreen Gang! Now, '''''go!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[beating up Mojo Jojo]'' Take this! And that! And some of this! And one of those!
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup, if Mojo Jojo is here, he can't possibly be the one destroying Townsville!
:'''Buttercup''': Then who's in the Robo Jojo?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Why don't you see for yourself?
:''[The machine opens, revealing an amnesiac Bubbles in Mojo Jojo's clothes]''
:'''Blossom, Buttercup''': Bubbles?!
:'''Narrator''': Bubbles?!
:'''Mayor''': Bubbles?!
:'''Talking Dog''': Bubbles?!
:'''Crowd''': Bubbles?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bubbles.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[imitating Mojo]'' I am not Bubbles! Bubbles is not who I am! I am the one, the only, single solitary doer of dastardly deeds! Purveyor of pestilence! And deliverer of lawlessness! I'm a menace to mankind! I am bad! I am evil! I am Mojo Jojo! Hahahahahahahaha!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[annoyed]'' I do not talk like that! The way I communicate is ''much'' different! I do not reiterate, repeat, reinstate the same thing over and over again! I am clear! Concise! To-the-point! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[annoyed]'' Alright, let's kick her butt.
:'''Blossom''': ''[preventing her]'' No, Buttercup. You’re right. She is our sister. And as sisters, we have an intrinsic duty; to uphold peace. Not only for the city of Townsville, but amongst ourselves.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[imitating Mojo Jojo]'' Prepare to meet your maker!
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': ''[outraged]'' You leave the professor out of this!
:''[Then Mojo Bubbles proceeds to beat up her sisters]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''RIGHT ON! WE DID IT!''' We finally destroyed the Powerpuff Girls! Now there is no one to stop us! Hand in hand, we can work together! '''WE CAN RULE THE WORLD!''' Just you and me, Bubbles.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[imitating Mojo]'' I am not Bubbles! Bubbles is not my name! For the name &quot;Bubbles&quot; is not the correct name to address me by, because it is not my name! If you were to address me by the name &quot;Mojo Jojo,&quot; that would be correct, for my name is Mojo Jojo! And I will only be addressed by that name, which is Mojo Jojo! And furthermore, it is not &quot;we&quot; who will rule the world - it is &quot;I&quot;! I, being Mojo Jojo - who is not Bubbles - shall rule this world alone, which is to say, without anybody else, and without anybody else shall I rule this world! And when this world is ruled by only one person, and not a collective group, that one person who shall be ruling the world will be none other than me, Mojo Jojo! ''[evil laugh]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''Oh, SHUT UP!''' ''[swings a girder which hits Bubbles' head]'' That's all just well enough, because in reality there is only room enough in this world for one Mojo Jojo. [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|One shall be the number of Mojo Jojos in the world, and the number of Mojo Jojos in the world shall be one! Two Mojo Jojos is too many, and three is right out!]] So, the only Mojo Jojo there is room for in the world SHALL BE ME! ''[echoing]'' And being the only Mojo Jojo in the world, I will rule the world, in which there is ''only one'' '''MOJO JOJO!''' ''[evil laugh]''

===''A Very Special Blossom/Daylight Savings'' [2.7]===
:'''Blossom''': ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! ''[regretfully]'' I did it. I stole the golf clubs.
:'''Professor''': Why, Blossom?
:'''Blossom''': Because you wanted it so much, And I just wanted to make you happy.
:'''Professor''': It's ''my'' fault. ''[voice breaks down]'' I put too much value in a material item, instead of the love of you girls.
:'''Blossom''': And that's what drove a crime!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Keane''': Well-
:'''Professor''': I didn't do it! ''[falls over backward, then props himself up]'' Uh...Um, you needed to speak to me about the girls?
:'''Ms. Keane''': Yes, Professor. I'm very concerned. They've been falling asleep in class, and their participation is slipping.
:'''Professor''': Well, what do you suppose the reason is, Ms. Keane?
:'''Ms. Keane''': I believe all of this late-night crime-fighting is to blame.
:'''Professor''': Well, they are superheroes, you know, and saving the world’s a big responsibility.
:'''Ms. Keane''': But education is a bigger responsibility.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Professor''': ''[smiling, cowboy twang]'' Yup, that am true, Ms. Keane, ''[serious again]'' but what do you propose?
:'''Ms. Keane''': Well, I suggest you set... ''[her face hardening] ...a curfew.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Time Channel announcer''': Welcome to the time channel, where we give you up-to-the-minute time, 24 hours a day. Up next, the current time. Hello. I’m Sonny Dial, here to bring you the latest time. But first, I hope all of you remembered that last night was Daylight Savings, which means everyone sets their clocks back by one hour. That makes our current time 6:41. I’ll be back at 6:42 with the up-to-the-minute time.
:'''Professor''': ''[realizing as he checks all the clocks]'' CRIKEY! I FORGOT TO SET THE CLOCKS BACK! ''[kicks down the bedroom door]'' Girls, wake up! '''GIRLS, WAKE UP!''' ''[slamming hotline receiver in cradle repeatedly]'' Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Get out of bed! NOW! ''[flips the mattress]'' Daylight savings, clocks wrong, forty-five minutes, save Townsville now!
:'''Blossom''': But what about our curfew?
:'''Professor''': There's no time! ''[throws them out their windows one at a time]'' GO! GO! GO!

===''Mo Job/Pet Feud'' [2.8]===

===''Imaginary Fiend/Cootie Gras'' [2.9]===

===''The Powerpuff Girls Best Rainy Day Adventure Ever/Just Desserts'' [2.10]===

===''Twisted Sister/Cover Up'' [2.11a]===
:'''Blossom''': Okay. The final and most important step is to accidentally add Chemical X to the concoction. ''[the girls make awkward faces and dash out and Blossom holds a beaker that looks like Chemical X]'' Oh, look at what I found, girls. Chemical X.
:'''Bubbles''': Be careful with that Chemical X.
:'''Buttercup''': Yes, Blossom. Whatever you do, do not drop that Chemical X.
:'''Blossom''': Don't worry, I wo...''[drops the beaker]'' Whoops! I accidentally dropped the Chemical X. And it fell into the concoction.
:'''Girls''': Oh, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Hurry, girls, hurry! You created a monster! 
:'''Girls''': Bunny!
:'''Bunny''': Wha?
:'''Bubbles''': What have you done?
:'''Bunny''': Bunny do good! Bunny do good!
:'''Buttercup''': No, Bunny do bad. Very bad!
:'''Bunny''': Bad?
:'''Blossom''': Yes, bad. You're supposed to stop crime, not help start it. I guess you're not cut out to be a Powerpuff Girl after all.
:'''Bunny''': No Powawull?
:'''Girls''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': Wha...Wh-Wh-Wh-What happened?
:'''Blossom''': Bunny saved us!
:'''Buttercup''': But...where is she?
:''[A part of Bunny's dress lands in front of them]''
:'''Girls''': ''[gasp]'' Bunny!
:'''Bubbles''': Oh no! She exploded!
:'''Buttercup''': But why?
:'''Blossom''': I guess she was unstable, and the blast broke her down into her original ingredients. 
:'''Bubbles''': She was good after all... ''[starts to cry]'' ''We'' were the ones who were bad.
:''[They hang their heads in shame]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[At the end of the episode]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[crying hard for a few seconds]'' Oh, it's so sad, I can't take it. And so, for the first...and final time...the day is saved, thanks to Powerpuff Bunny! 
:'''Bunny''': Powawul!
:'''Narrator''': ''[crying harder for a few more seconds]'' Oh, why? WHY?!?...Oh, go to a commercial!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[holding a blanket to her cheek]'' I am a good fighter. I am a good fighter. I am a good fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[after crying and pounding the counter in frustration]'' Where's my blanket?!
:'''Bubbles''': We don't have time for this, Buttercup.
:'''Blossom''': ''[worried]'' Townsville is in trouble.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[losing it completely]'' '''NO! I NEED MY BLANKET!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': ''[groaning]'' Buttercup, I have to tell you something. That's not your real blanket. It's just a fake blanket I found to get you through the fight. And since you fought just as well as ever, it obviously worked!
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[angry]'' YOU ''TRICKED'' ME! Why I'm gonna- ''[continues nervously]'' But...if this isn't my real blanket, then...where... Ooh! ''[screams and tears apart the house]'' '''''WHERE'S MY BLANKET?!''''' 
:'''Professor''': Oh, hello, girls. ''[cut to him at the door, with a basket of clothes]'' I brought you some clean laundry.

===''Speed Demon/Mojo Jonesin'' [2.12]===
:'''Him''': Yes! As you raced through time, the whole world went to ''[demonic]'' '''Heck!'''
:'''Blossom''': You lie! Don't believe him, Girls!
:''[The Girls severely attack and batter Him, but he seems totally unaffected]''
:'''Him''': Are you finished?
:'''Buttercup''': No, but ''you'' are!
:'''Blossom''': Don't you know you can never beat us?
:'''Him''': Beat you? ''[eyes start glowing]'' But girls, don't you see? I've ''[demonic]'' already  ''WON!''
:''[He transforms into a larger, more terrifying monster version of himself]''
:'''Him''': The beauty lies in the blame, because ''[demonic]'' '''it's ''your'' fault for leaving! Just ask your friends.'''
:'''Citizens''': ''[variously]'' Powerpuff Girls. You did this? You did this?
:'''Blossom''': No!
:'''Him''': All ''I'' did was take over. ''[demonic]'' '''It was ''easy!'''''
:'''Citizens''': Why'd you leave us, Powerpuff Girls? Why? You weren't here to protect us. You weren't here. It's your fault. ''[chanting]'' Your fault.
:'''Blossom''': What have we done?!
:''[Him laughs demonically]''
:'''Citizens''': ''[still chanting]'' Your fault.
:'''Buttercup''': No. No! NO!
:'''Bubbles''': WHY?! ''[begins to cry]''
:''[The Powerpuff Girls fly into space at supersonic speeds, thus going back in time]''

===''Something's a Ms./Slumbering with the Enemy'' [2.13]===

:'''Sedusa''': ''[sighs]'' This was too easy. ''[paces]'' Now, my only dilemma is whether to finish you off quickly or do it painfully slow. But that would be splitting hairs. ''[she laughs evilly while the fireplace behind her cast a big, deranged glow]''
:'''Miss Bellum''': Not so fast, Sedusa. You haven't won yet.
:'''Sedusa''': You think you can beat me while your superheroes could not?! NEVER!!!
:'''Miss Bellum''': Oh yeah? ''[she reaches toward the bottom of her face and pulls the latex mask of Sedusa's face off her; cut to behind her as she still wears Sedusa's leotard, gloves, fishnet stockings, and thigh boots, with the leotard accentuating her butt]'' TRY ME!! ''[she tosses the mask aside and rests her arms at her sides while the two women stand off with each other. Sedusa sends her hair whip at the secretary's waist and grips her hard]'' UGH!! ''[Sedusa lifts Miss Bellum in front of Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. Pink hair gel is seen on Miss Bellum's waist.]''
:'''Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup''': ''[worryingly]'' Miss Bellum! ''[Sedusa lashes another hair whip at Miss Bellum's face, while Miss Bellum clenches her fists.]'' Ohh! ''[Miss Bellum is thrown into a corner. Sedusa laughs, then Miss Bellum grabs her face and starts punching her a couple times until Sedusa kicks her in the stomach to send Miss Bellum flying into a staircase. Sedusa then keeps throwing Miss Bellum around while breaking a few of Miss Bellum's belongings until Bellum is thrown onto the window where the girls are trapped. She slides down the glass with her back. Miss Bellum stands up with Sedusa taunting her to come get her. Miss Bellum shake her fists in rage and tackles Sedusa out the window then freeze frame of the two women about to fall in Miss Bellum's swimming pool. They fall in the water with a splash, then Sedusa shoves Miss Bellum off her, then Miss Bellum attempts to swim up for air, but Sedusa grabs her leg and pulls her back down. The two women trade blows underwater which ends with Miss Bellum kicking Sedusa in the stomach. Sedusa swims up for air, she gasps for air a couple times before she is pulled back underwater by the belt. Miss Bellum uses one powerful punch to knock Sedusa unconscious. Miss Bellum swims up to the surface. She climbs out with her wet hair all straight and slick. ''(When she's completely out, it's curly again)'' Exhausted, she staggers over to the broken window, dripping water. She rests her hand against the frame and leans forward to catch her breath while her wet hair covers her face and water drips off her body]''
:'''Miss Bellum''': ''[gasping for air]'' UGH...OH...AH... ''[she has three deep, intense coughing fits to get water out of her lungs. In front of her, the water bubbles and Sedusa's head re-surfaces. Her hair is also soaked. Cut to behind Miss Bellum's legs and spandex-clenched butt, and still dripping water]''
:'''Sedusa''': This..isn't..over. [she attempts to lash with her hair but it flops onto her face. She tries again, but fails]'' My..My hair. What happened to my hair? ''[splashing and crying]'' YOU BROKE MY HAIR!!!! MY POOR HAIR!!!
:'''Miss Bellum''': ''[snaps her fingers]'' That's it. ''[ she grabs a vase full of water and uses it to free the girls. They float in front of Miss Bellum, with the latter's back and butt to the camera and her hands at her hips. Her hair still appears soaking wet.]''
:'''Blossom''': Thanks for getting us out of that hairy situation.
:'''Sedusa''': ''[dripping water]'' I don't need my hair to beat you..B-B-B-B- ''[cut to Blossom]'' Blossom? ''[Cut to Buttercup]'' Buttercup? ''[cut to Bubbles]'' Bubbles? ''[cut to the sexy, leotard clenched, midriff-baring body which is Miss Bellum]'' Bellum?! 
:'''Miss Bellum''': ''[pulls out scissors]'' Let's finish this, shall we, girls?
:'''Blossom''': Yes, let's.
:'''Sedusa''': No, no, not that! Please, anything but that! No! No! NO! STOP! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

==Season 3==

===''Fallen Arches/The Mane Event'' [3.1]===

===''Town and Out/Child Fearing'' [3.2]===
:'''Professor''': ''[taking his head to the opened window]'' I love this town! ''[echoing]''
:'''Man''': Ah, shut up ya jerk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Citiesville Mayor''': ''[quietly, sternly]'' Let me tell you some words. At what point did it seem like a good idea to blow up the Cityville Bridge? 
:'''Blossom''': Uhh...
:'''Citiesville Mayor''': No! Do you realize the two crooks that you caught stole approximately 400 dollars? ''[with intensifying rage]'' Do you realize that you did over 3 '''''MILLION DOLLARS IN PROPERTY DAMAGE TO THAT BRIDGE?! IT'S NOT REPLACEABLE!''''' ''[a scared Blossom blinks up at him, and he sighs as he looks at the destroyed bridge]'' Also, that bridge is - or ''was'' - a historical landmark. ''[unfurling flag on pole]'' I mean, it's on our flag, for Pete's sakes! It's also the main thoroughfare into the city! Nobody actually lives in Citiesville! ''[in tears]'' They commute! ''[sternly signs a piece of paper]'' This is a bill prohibiting the use of superpowers in the town of Citiesville. You're hereby forbidden by law to use any of your powers within the city limits. ''[points at the door]'' Now, get out of my sight!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Prepare your taste buds delight! For I, Mojo Jojo, am not only the number one villain in Townsville, but I am also...number one chef in Townsville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mojo''': ''[telling a bedtime story]'' Very well, then. I will tell you my favorite story... about the greatest conqueror who ever lived! [[w:Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]! ''[envisions himself as Napoleon]'' He was a mighty man, feared by all who looked up to him. Using his genius and his loyal army, he conquered all of Europe, then all of Russia, and finally the whole world. The end.
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': BO-RING!
:''[Mojo's vision is shattered]''
:'''Blossom''': Your story's all wrong! Napoleon's 1807 seizure of Portugal and the subsequent Rebellion by the Spaniards cost France over 300,000 casualties, untold sums of money, and contributed to the eventual weakening of the Napoleonic Empire. ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''
:'''Bubbles''': And your analysis on the Invasion of Russia is also incorrect! Napoleon's invasion of 1812 resulted in ''massive'' casualties of his troops, due to starvation and inclement conditions, and ended in a disastrous retreat from Moscow with his army ''defeated!'' ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah, dummy! And when he returned to France, the Allied Nations of Europe united against him, which led to his eventual defeat at the Battle of Waterloo on June 18, 1815, where-after he was exiled to the island of St. Helena, where he died a ''miserable'' death of stomach cancer on May 5, 1821, stupid! ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': If I were a narrator, I'd end this show! And so once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!

===''Criss Cross Crisis'' [3.3]===
'''Professor:''' (''from inside the house, gasping'') Oh...oh, what have I done?!

(''Dissolve to inside the girls' bedroom at the windows and pan to the bed. The covers are pulled all the way up. All we see of them are fringes of red-orange and black hair on the pillows.'')

'''Professor:''' (''from o.c.'') Girls...Girls, wake up!

(''They mumble sleepily. Close-up of Buttercup's side of the bed. She yawns.'')

'''Professor:''' (''from o.c.'') Buttercup! (''She pulls the covers up and groans sleepily.'') Wake ''up'', Buttercup.

(''The covers are thrown back, but the person under them is Buttercup, wearing a diaper and is still shaking rattle.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Professor, it's Saturday! Can't a girl get some sleep?! Harumph!

(''She pulls the covers back over herself. A moment later, she sits bolt upright in cold shock as the reality sets in almost instantly like a two-by-four to her head.'')

'''Buttercup:''' (''gasping, shocked'') B-B-B-B...

(''She continues stuttering as the camera cuts to her perspective - looking down at the Professor.'')

'''Professor:''' Now remain calm, Buttercup.

(''Back to Buttercup in bed. She reacts totally the opposite of what the Professor had told her to do. She screams and breathes hard, panicked. Holding her hands up in front of herself, she sees that she now has a full set of fingers, which she works back and forth. Her mouth begins to wobble, terror washing over the rest of her face, and after a long moment she breaks down, sobbing and wailing.'')

(''Blossom reaches into view from the right and socks Buttercup in the shoulder to shut her up.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep!

'''Buttercup:''' Hey! (''looking o.c. right, stunned'') Blossom?!

(''Pull back quickly to show the entire bed, with the Professor looking up over it from the floor. In the center section is Blossom, also wearing a diaper and a red bow. Of course, she has no ponytail yet.'')

'''Blossom:''' Buttercup, what are ''you'' doing in bed?

(''Close-up of Buttercup, who begins to giggle.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') Wait! What’s going on?

(''Buttercup points o.c.; pan back to Blossom.'')

'''Blossom:''' What? (''Buttercup reaches into view, holding a mirror up to her.'')

'''Buttercup:''' (''from o.c.'') Nice bed head, Blossom!

(''Blossom gasps and cries. Cut to her perspective, looking down at the Professor. Now he has a small pipe.'')

'''Blossom:''' What happened?! (''Back to her, standing up in bed.'') I—I—I'm diapered. (''Down to Buttercup.'')

'''Buttercup:''' You are. (''Down to the Professor.'')

'''Professor:''' That's right, Buttercup.

(''Blossom reaches to Bubbles's section of the bed and pulls the covers partway down, exposing nothing. The Professor approaches the side of the bed.'')

'''Professor:''' Girls! Girls, please! It's just Bubbles.

(''He pulls the covers all the way down to reveal diapered Bubbles sleeping the wrong way around. She is still sucking on her pacifier.'')

'''Professor:''' (''pointing'') Diapered and pacified.

'''Blossom, Buttercup:''' Eeewwww!

(''Bubbles walks across the room in front of the Professor as the pacifier falls from her mouth.'')

'''Bubbles:''' (''sleepily'') Ah. Good morning.

(''In the bathroom, she reaches into the medicine cabinet for the toothpaste, then closes its door. Now her reflection is in front of her, but she seems to take no notice as she brushes her teeth.'')

'''Bubbles:''' Oh, I was born like a baby. (''She brushes some more.'') I cried. (''shaking head'') I don't cry. The Professor stuck the pacifier in my mouth. (''She accepts this.'') Hmmmm!

(''She resumes brushing her teeth. Pull back quickly from the bathroom doorway, where she lands, to show the others looking on.'')

'''Blossom, Buttercup:''' (''to Professor, gasping'') Professor, what the heck's going on here?!

'''Professor:''' (''sighing'') Well, lately I've been working on a way to...

(''Cut to an extreme close-up of the hotline as it starts to buzz, then pull back. Buttercup reaches out to answer it, her fingers stiff and held together. She raises her hand to her ear, but the receiver stays put.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Hello? (''She tries again and fails.'') What is it, Mayor? (''holding hand out toward camera'') Professor, your hand doesn't work!

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') Then just put it on screen! (''Close-up of the hotline.'')

'''Buttercup:''' (''from o.c.'') Okay!

(''Buttercup slams down on the phone's red light, pushing it in. The camera turns up to a large video display on the wall behind it. The screen fills with static as the camera pulls back to show all four. After a moment, the image resolves into a close-up of Mayor.'')

'''Mayor:''' Help! We have an emergency situation down here! (''Cut to the Professor.'')

'''Professor:''' We know, Mayor. I turned the girls into babies.

'''Mayor:''' (''over hotline'') No, no, no! (''Close-up of him, trying to pull on a pair of stockings.'') I've got a run in my stocking!

(''Pull back. Ms. Bellum is standing on the desk next to him, her face cut off by the top edge of the screen, so to compensate, Ms. Bellum is shown how she normally would be seen in her own body; from the neck down. Now the setting is seen as the Mayor's office.'')

'''Ms. Bellum:''' Um... I think what the Mayor means is that it's not just us who turned the Powerpuff Girls and the Rowdyruff Boys into babies. (''Display pans to a monitor on her other side, where the bank is seen.'') All of Townsville did!

(''Back to the girls.'')

'''Ms. Bellum:''' (''over hotline'') It's mayhem! and someone's taken advantage of the confusion...

(''Back to the screen, zoomed in on the bank. Police cars surround it. An alarm is heard.'')

'''Ms. Bellum:''' (''from o.c.'') ...and robbed the bank! (''Back to her and the Mayor.'')

'''Mayor:''' They have?!

'''Ms. Bellum:''' (''wearily, crossing arms'') Yes, Mayor. (''Pull back to show the girls.'')

'''Mayor:''' Oh, that's terrible!

'''Blossom:''' Well, who did it?

'''Ms. Bellum:''' We don't know! With Powerpuffs and Rowdyruffs turned into babies, no one can figure out just who is crying, sucking on a pacifier or shaking a rattle!

'''Blossom:''' Okay, we’ll take care of it. (''Cut to the Professor. She points at him and continues o.c.'') But, Professor, start working on a way to switch us all back. We can't stay this way forever!

'''Professor:''' Agreed. Mayor, Bellum, I'll need your help.

(''He blows bubbles from the pipe for a few seconds. Back to the girls.'')

'''Blossom:''' I think we better clean up and change first.

'''Buttercup:''' (''rubbing stubble on chin'') Right. (''They zip away.'')

(''The screen explodes into the background for the end shot. From left to right, we see Buttercup, Blossom, and Bubbles wearing baby costumes. Bubbles' pacifier is missing.'')

(''Back to the lab. Blossom and Buttercup take off, the bandages falling away from the latter's face, but stop short. Bubbles is still standing on the ground.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Bubbles! Come on!

'''Bubbles:''' Waaaaah! I'm not going!

'''Blossom:''' What are you talking about?

'''Bubbles:''' (''sobbing'') I'm not going out there.

'''Buttercup:''' (''snorting'') Huh. Why not?!

(''Close-up of Bubbles. She begins to sob.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') Well?

(''Bubbles sobs louder and her pacifier is missing.'')

'''Bubbles:''' Waaaah! I lost my…PACIFIER! (''Cut to Buttercup.'')

'''Buttercup:''' (''groaning'') Oh, you’re ''so'' sensitive! (''Blossom lands next to Bubbles.'')

'''Blossom:''' Don't be silly. (''Close-up of Bubbles. She continues o.c.'') See? Look.

(''She reaches into view. She sticks the pacifier in Bubbles' mouth.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') There! Now you look just like a normal person.

'''Bubbles:''' (''muffled'') Really? Do I, Professor?

(''Cut to him at the blackboard. Now he is dressed in a small lab coat and black pants of his regular everyday clothes. The question catches him completely off guard. He looks nervously around for a moment.'')

'''Professor:''' Uh… Um… Uh, yeah! You look great! (''looking o.c.'') Um, right, Mayor?

(''On screen, the Mayor is sitting on the desk, hard at work with curlers, comb, and blow dryer.'')

'''Mayor:''' Uh... yeah, sure, whatever. (''Back to Blossom and Bubbles.'')

'''Bubbles:''' (''muffled'') Okay. Let’s go! (''They take off.'')

(''Outside, a low rumbling starts up, putting them on edge.'')

'''Buttercup:''' What now?

'''Blossom:''' Get ready for anything, girls.

(''She looks down at the pavement. A moment later, it starts to shake and crack; it pulls back down the street as the girls retreat to a safe distance. Smoke and lightning pour up from the fissures, which grow until a sizable hole has opened. Through the haze, three tall outcroppings can be seen emerging; each has a small figure perched on it. Close-up of this lot—now the silhouettes are close enough to become very, very familiar. The smoke starts to clear, and the girls gasp in combined shock and recognition.'')

(''Extreme close-ups of the following. A foot clad in a black sneaker. A smirk above a pair of crossed arms and a torso clad in a blue sweatshirt with a black stripe—the outfit worn by Boomer, the blond member of the Rowdyruff Boys. Spiky black hair, with Buttercup’s part, above dark green eyes that can only belong to Butch—but he no longer has a cowlick. Red-eye and part of a red cap turned backward, with a bit of red-orange hair visible in the back—the signs of Brick. Half of Boomer’s face, with his hair grown out a bit longer and more raggedly cut than before. Pull back to show the entire set of outcroppings and zoom in. The boys (who are also in diapers) have been resurrected, with their hair being the only altered feature. As the shot of Brick suggested, his hair is now quite long in the back, similar to Blossom’s ponytail, but very ragged at the ends. In front, it no longer sticks out from under the edge of his cap as it did in “The Rowdyruff Boys.”'')

(''Close-up of Blossom and pan to each of her sisters in turn.'')

'''Blossom:''' The Rowdyruff Boys?!

'''Buttercup:''' But that’s impossible!

'''Bubbles:''' We blew you guys up! (''Butch starts flexing his knees to spring.'')

'''Brick:''' Yeah? Well, you can’t stop a good thing, babe!

(''The girls find this quite amusing and give voice to that opinion.'')

'''Brick:''' Stop laughing! What are you laughing at?

'''Blossom:''' (''mocking, as her sisters laugh'') Oh, no, (''starts wiggling her hips with her hands on them in a sassy manner'') look who’s back with mean hair!

'''Bubbles:''' (''following lead'') Oh, whatever shall we do?

'''Buttercup:''' (''ditto'') How can we defeat their scary new hairdos?

(''Cut to the boys. More laughter from o.c. as Boomer puts him arm and hand on his hair listening, Brick glares down, and Butch keeps flexing his knees.'')

'''Brick:''' ''SILENCE!'' (''The girls stop laughing.'') You stupid wimpy lame-o girls talk too much!

'''Blossom:''' Stupid?!

'''Buttercup:''' Wimpy?!

'''Bubbles:''' Lame-o?!

'''Brick:''' You girls just got lucky last time. This time there’s no way you’re gonna beat my boys! (''Close-up of each in turn.'')

'''Butch:''' Butch!

'''Boomer:''' Boomer!

'''Brick:''' And me, Brick!

(''The mood is somewhat spoiled when Boomer starts trying to catch a fly buzzing around his head. Brick watches him for a few seconds before getting fed up.'')

'''Brick:''' Pay attention! (''Bubbles giggles derisively.'')

'''Bubbles:''' Are you guys sure you’re ready for another beating?

'''Boomer:''' You girls are gonna eat your words, spit ’em out, and eat ’em again! (''Buttercup claps a hand to her forehead in disgust.'')

'''Blossom:''' That doesn’t even make sense.

'''Boomer:''' I know you are, but what am I?

'''Buttercup:''' Enough! Talk is cheap. Let’s do this!

'''Butch:''' (''giggling dementedly'') This is gonna be fun!

(''Pull back to a long shot of the two groups, then cut from one to the other as they square for battle. Finally, the deadlock ends and all six take off, rising to face each other in midair. Blossom starts the attack with a blast from her eye lasers; Brick counters with his own. Pull back to a long shot of them, at opposite sides of the screen. Their beams cancel out in the center.'')

(''Bubbles creates a spark of lightning in one upraised hand, forms it into a large ball of energy, and let's fly. Boomer generates sparks from his joined hands and makes a baseball bat, which he pulls back over his shoulder for a swing. He hits her pitch and gets a line drive that does heavy damage to the right-field fence—which, in this case, happens to be a building.'')

(''Buttercup rises above the rooftops and backs up. She focuses herself and creates a blinding energy bolt that shoots toward the camera. Butch puts his hands together, and a force field forms around him to blunt her offensive. She stops firing, whereupon the girls regroup in midair.'')

'''Blossom:''' Come on, girls. We have to work together. We’re too evenly matched one on one.

'''Buttercup:''' Yeah! A little teamwork oughta whup those dorks into shape!

(''They fly toward each other and join hands. Spinning in a tight circle, they are enveloped by light in their respective colors and then disappear into a sphere of crackling radiance. A beam emerges from this and flashes across the sky, the camera panning to follow. Cut to the boys, also in midair.'')

'''Brick:''' Come on, guys! We can’t let a bunch of dumb girls show us up!

(''They pull off an identical maneuver. Pull back to show both beams canceling each other out. After a moment, there is an explosion and both groups are flung backward. They face off again.'')

'''Blossom:''' All right, girls. I think we know what we have to do. Let’s give ’em some sugar!

'''Bubbles:''' (''waving hand'') Ooh, ooh! I want the blond! I think he’s cute!

'''Buttercup:''' (''to Bubbles'') Man, you’re weird.

'''Blossom:''' Let’s go, girls!

(''The boys stand fast; Butch twitches a bit due to overly high-strung nerves. Now the girls charge.'')

'''Brick:''' Here it comes, boys!

(''The boys charge and the girls split up. Blossom moves in on Brick, who sidesteps at the last possible second to dodge her punch. She tries another blow, but he ducks and starts to back up. Approaching again, she tries several more strikes and hits nothing but air. Finally, she darts in and kisses him on the cheek, as she and her sisters did to the boys in “The Rowdyruff Boys.”'')

(''Butch watches Buttercup fly low along the street and climb sharply to meet him. He blocks or avoids her strikes, but she finds an opening and plants a kiss on his cheek. Now Bubbles speeds toward Boomer, aims several blows at him with no success, and gives him a big hug and a kiss.'')

(''Cut to the girls as they regroup and look o.c. Their puzzled expressions give away the fact that things may not have gone according to plan.'')

'''Bubbles:''' I don’t understand. How come nothing is happening? Weren’t they supposed to explode?

(''Cut to the boys, who are still very much in one piece, then back to the girls.'')

'''Blossom:''' Well, let’s ''really'' lay it on ’em!

(''They charge for round two. Brick throws a punch at Blossom, but his timing is too early; he hits nothing as she reaches him and kisses his cheek. She backs up; he again fails to explode, and now he starts to grow. She watches, completely stunned, and gasps. This sequence repeats itself with Boomer and Bubbles. Ditto Butch and Buttercup, except that she backs up to reach her sisters and all three gasp. Looking down at them, the boys lunge and the girls dive aside.'')

(''Blossom kisses Brick again—right now he is about twice her size—and he grows even larger. The same thing happens when the other two boys get this treatment. Brick gets yet another, then Butch and Boomer; after Boomer is kissed, a close-up of the top of Butch’s growing head is seen, followed by Brick’s and Boomer’s, then the back of Butch’s. From here, cut to Brick as he becomes even larger.)''

'''Brick:''' Your cootie kisses only make us bigger!

'''Boomer:''' (''growing'') Stronger!

'''Butch:''' (''growing'') And tougher!

(''Cut to the girls, who gasp, then pull back to frame both groups. The boys are now at least ten times their original size.'')

'''Brick:''' (''laughing'') You stupid lame-o girls never learn. Now it’s time to put these babies to bed!

(''The boys gain altitude. Each puts his hands together and extends them out in front of himself, toward a focal point just in front of the three. A broad energy beam emanates from here and washes over the girls; this is similar to the “starburst” attack that has been seen in the past. Cut to a street and pan along with it as they crash down. Bubbles hits the pavement and slides along, Blossom strikes a building, and Buttercup plows through a fire hydrant before fetching up in a parked car. Cut to each, in the reverse of this order, as she takes off to rejoin the fight.'')

(''The sky suddenly goes a sinister shade of red, and the girls land in front of a spiral of smoke that has begun to form. It turns into clouds that evaporate to reveal the spike-heeled legs of “Him,” seen in extreme close-up; turn up slowly to show that he has his back to the camera. He addresses the girls over his shoulder.'')

'''“Him”:''' (''effeminate voice'') Hello, girls. (''They gasp.'')

'''Girls:''' “Him”!

'''“Him”:''' (''approaching them'') So good to see you again. How’s things? (''No answer.'') Not so good? Having a little boy trouble, hmm? Or should I say… (''evil voice'') …'''''big'' boy trouble?'''

(''Grinning, he looks into the sky; follow his gaze to the boys, who start to descend. Back to ground level as they touch down.'')

'''“Him”:''' (''effeminate voice'') Hello, boys. (''evil voice, softly'') '''You’re doing just fine.''' (''effeminate voice'') So, how does it feel, girls, to know defeat is just around the corner— (''evil voice'') —'''and victory for me is at hand?'''

'''Blossom:''' So you’re behind this, “Him”! What did you do to make our kisses powerless?

'''“Him”:''' (''effeminate voice, laughing'') Oh, that. That’s my little secret. You see, I realized that the boys’ only weakness— (''to evil voice'') —'''was your pathetic little kisses.''' (''to effeminate voice'') And since I knew you would resort to that, I added a little something extra—a cootie vaccination. Circle-circle-dot-dot, now you have a cootie shot! (''addressed the audience.'') I got the spell off the Internet.

(''Turn up from him to the boys’ faces, then cut back to him.'')

'''“Him”:''' But your kisses are not ''totally'' useless, girls. (''to evil voice'') '''They make my boys bigger and more powerful!'''

(''The girls gasp, and he laughs insanely in his effeminate voice.'')

'''“Him”:''' At last, I win!

(''A giant foot is planted behind him to emphasize the point, and the boys join in the merriment. The girls can only look up in mute fear and helplessness as “Him” rises into the air, still laughing.'')

'''“Him”:''' Have fun, girls. Ta-ta! Ha-ha!

(''He continues to laugh as he flies away and disappears in another spiral of smoke. The sky reverts to its normal blue, and three enormous boys glare down at three very small and vulnerable girls. Fade to black.'')

(''The girls in the shadow of their gargantuan opposite numbers. All they can do at the moment is blink up at the boys, who stand with crossed arms and cocky smiles. The girls take a couple of steps backward; cut to a close-up of Boomer and pan slowly to Brick and Butch. The girls are seen in a similar shot, but their mouths wobble in barely suppressed panic. Stop on Buttercup, who finally swallows hard, then cut back to Butch as he cracks his knuckles. The sound is loud enough to make the girls recoil and cover their ears.'')

(''Brick holds up one arm; extreme close-up of it as he pushes back the sleeve. There is a brown scab on his forearm. He starts to peel it off, and one by one the girls groan in disgust at the sight. Boomer and Butch snicker gleefully. Next, he holds the loose scab aloft and scales it toward the girls; cut to them, and zoom in. They stand frozen for a moment before diving for cover, and the dripping projectile hits a STOP sign behind them. It sticks for a second, then starts to fall away, and Buttercup and Bubbles each groan again. Blossom, though, has herself under control.'')

'''Blossom:''' Stand your ground, girls! They’re trying to psych us out by grossing us out!

(''Butch slowly snorts in a gigantic breath, hocks a loogie, and spits it into the air. The streamer of green snot turns end over end as it flies; cut to the girls, who look up and then cover their heads. Pull back as the loogie sails over their heads and o.c. They look in its direction for a moment and then relax.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''wiping forehead'') Whew!

(''Close-up of Boomer, who has his mouth open wide, and pull back. The wad drops neatly in, and he smiles.'')

'''Boomer:''' Mmm-mmm-mmm!

(''Now it is his turn to hock one up; this time, the girls must sidestep in order to avoid being hit. The phlegm bubbles and oozes across the pavement. Close-up of Bubbles, her tongue hanging limply in revulsion. Her face goes green, and she claps her hands to her mouth in order to stop herself from vomiting; pull back to show a trash can near her and Buttercup in the foreground. The STOP sign is behind them.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Hold your ground, Bubbles! (''Her sister’s face returns to normal color.'') It’s just a bunch of dumb boy tricks, but we can take it. Right?

(''Close-up of her at the end of this. The trash can is heard rattling o.c.; cut to it. Bubbles has hung her head into it and is losing her lunch. When she finishes, she looks up, moaning and still appearing quite nauseated. Back to her sisters; Blossom looks o.c. toward Bubbles, while Buttercup’s attention has shifted to the boys.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Go ahead, gross us out all you want— (''Pull back to frame both groups, sans Bubbles.'') —but we’re still gonna kick your big-boy butts! (''Close-up of Brick.'')

'''Brick:''' Oh, you are, are you? Well, then, I guess it’s…

(''He looks in Butch’s direction; cut to the latter, all too eager to start something.'')

'''Brick:''' (''from o.c.'') …RUMBLE TIME!

'''Butch:''' (''jumping and sounding like a crazed monkey'') Rumble time! Rumble time! (''Back to Brick.'')

'''Brick:''' Let the rumble begin!

(''The ground shakes on the last word, and he takes off, followed by the other two. Cut to the girls and zoom in.)''

'''Blossom:''' Let’s go, ladies!

(''They take off. The two trios approach one another; when they meet, each girl is knocked away by her counterpart. Blossom takes the first hit, followed by Buttercup and Bubbles. Bubbles crashes through a building’s window and comes out at the back wall to tumble into an alley; her sisters hit the ground next to her. Of the three bumped and bruised girls, Blossom is first to come around, and she looks up and gasps.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''nudging her sisters'') Quick! Get up! Get up!

(''The boys continue their approach, but Brick stops them just short of the girls.'')

'''Boomer:''' (''puzzled'') But I thought we was—

'''Brick:''' (''clapping hand to Boomer’s mouth'') Shut it! We’re playing a new game now, and the game is…

(''He looks to his left, in Butch’s direction; cut to the green-clad basket case as he again does his mad-monkey impression, then back to Brick. The leader stomps on the roof of a parked car, embedding his foot in it; pan to a second vehicle as he does the same with his other foot. Next, he grabs the girls, who scream in terror and squeezes them in both hands. Only a few limbs, Blossom’s bow, and their yelps of pain are in evidence. Cut to a patch of the street as they are thrown down—having been crushed together into a hockey puck. They struggle to free themselves from this contortion, but to no avail.'')

(''Brick uproots a sign for the parking garage of Malph’s Market from a nearby corner. This has a long pole, with the lettering on a broad projection at the top, and looks something like a hockey stick standing upside down. Pull back to show him holding the sign, with his makeshift roller skates on and the Powerpuff puck in front of him.)''

'''Brick:''' …ROLLER BRAWL!

'''Butch:''' (''still flipping out'') Roller Brawl! Roller Brawl!

(''He tears an L-shaped support beam from a nearby bridge. Cut to a construction site, where a flatbed truck is parked with its load of girders. Boomer flies down and grabs one; close-up of his face as he struggles with it, then pull back. He has bent one end to make a stick for himself, and he jumps onto two cars to get a set of skates. Butch follows the latter action, after which Brick lifts his stick.'')

'''Brick:''' Let the brawl begin!

(''He hits the puck, sending it screaming down the street, and skates after it. Butch and Boomer move in, but the leader is just about in a position to catch up to it. He nudges the puck from side to side in order to keep it under control; the girls cry out in pain at each tap. The other two move to block him. Boomer tries to steal, but Brick keeps it away from him by passing to the opposite side; another scream. Butch intercepts and skates toward a parking garage as Brick zips past behind him. Now he pulls his stick back to take a shot on the “goal”—the garage’s entrance.'')

'''Butch:''' And he’s going for the—

(''Before he can finish the sentence, Brick pops into view and body-checks him. The screaming puck goes flying, only to be stopped by Boomer.'')

'''Boomer:''' And he’s going for the… (''hitting puck; pull back to follow'') …slap shot!

(''The girls scream as they sail toward the garage. Brick stands nearby, a giant oven mitt on one hand, and tries to catch them—but he misses and they sail through the entrance.'')

'''Boomer:''' SCORE! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

(''Inside, the girls hit a wall and split apart. They slam down to the concrete, looking much the worse for wear now, and the boys bend over to look in at them—they have ditched their Roller Brawl gear. Cut to Buttercup as she struggles to her feet next to a car.'')

'''Buttercup:''' That’s it! The puck stops here!

(''Two hands reach into view from behind the car and grab the one she has raised. She is yanked away; cut to that point, where her sisters are huddled down. Blossom was the one to pull her in.'')

'''Buttercup:''' What gives?

'''Blossom:''' (''softly'') We gotta hide.

'''Buttercup:''' Hide? Are you— (''Bubbles slaps a hand over her mouth.'')

'''Bubbles:''' (''softly'') Shhh! They’ll hear you!

(''Pan away from them to the entrance, where the boys taunt them in an effort to draw them out; cut to outside, behind the giant trio at a distance, and turn up to the nearby rooftop. Their voices die away, leaving the scene quiet, and an access door opens on the roof. The girls zip out of this and a way around the corner of its housing; cut to them.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Okay, we’re hiding. Now what?

'''Bubbles:''' Yeah. Those boys are beating our butts!

'''Blossom:''' I don’t know. (''She slides down to a sitting position and sighs.'') I think we’ve… (''She looks reluctantly toward Buttercup.'')

'''Buttercup:''' Don’t say it!

'''Blossom:''' …met our match.

(''Buttercup screams in frustration and claps her hands to her head. She wheels to face her sisters, who back up against the wall.'')

'''Buttercup:''' That’s what they want us to think! (''Head-on view of her.'') We can still whip those big dummies. I mean, come on! (''Said dummies peer over the edge of the roof behind her.'') They’re too stupid to even find us up here!

(''She is now standing in their shadows. Cut to just behind the boys’ heads, with Blossom and Bubbles looking up at them, their eyes wide. Buttercup turns to get an eyeful of them as Brick clears his throat loudly. Camera shift: side view of the girls, and he jumps onto the roof and gets in their faces.'')

'''Brick:''' ''You calling us stupid?!?'' (''Behind the girls; all three boys are now on the roof.'')

'''Boomer:''' We’ll show you stupid!

(''He looks quite pleased with this retort, but Brick is less impressed. The latter stands up and smacks him in the face before turning his attention to the girls again.'')

'''Brick:''' (''groaning disgustedly'') You’re in for it now, losers, ’cause it’s time for…  (''Close-up; he looks o.c. toward Butch.'') …the awesomest game! ULTIMATE FIGHT!

'''Butch:''' (''flipping out'') Ultimate Fight! Ultimate Fight!

(''The girls scream and are promptly scooped up by Brick. Boomer tears up a telephone pole, pulling several others along with it due to the lines connecting them, and plants one at each corner of a building’s roof to create a makeshift fighting ring. As he and Butch watch, Brick floats down into the center of this squared circle; he carries the girls in one hand and delivers the next several lines as if he were a boxing announcer.'')

'''Brick:''' Welcome, fans, to the first annual…

(''He throws Bubbles to Boomer on “first,” and Buttercup to Butch on “annual.” The other boys have now entered the ring. He lifts Blossom to his mouth like a microphone.'')

'''Brick:''' …''ULTIMATE FIGHT!'' (''pointing toward Butch'') In this corner… (''Cut to there; he continues o.c.'') …the Baron of Berserk…Butch!

(''Butch grunts and pounds his chest like a psychotic gorilla. Back to Brick, who now gestures toward Boomer.)''

'''Brick:''' And in that corner…the Dumber than the Dumbest… (''Cut to that corner; he continues o.c.'') …Boomer!

(''This combatant spikes Bubbles to the roof and starts stomping on her.'')

'''Boomer:''' Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! (''Back to Brick.'')

'''Brick:''' And here in the center…the Master Masher…the King of Crushing…the Duke of Destruction…the reigning world champion…

(''Cut to the two nonplussed opponents, who are now standing together with their girls in hand.'')

'''Brick:''' (''from o.c.'') …Brick the Bludgeoner! (''Back to him.'') And now… (''menacingly'') …let the bludgeoning begin!

(''Butch leads off by giving Buttercup a colossal headbutt that sends her flying across the ring. Boomer hits Bubbles and launches her; the two girls collide in midair and fall to the roof. Next, the two boys lean back against the wires that fence in the ring and launch themselves toward each other. Cut to Boomer as he hurtles along and lets off a war whoop; during the next line, we see Butch doing likewise.'')

'''Brick:''' (''from o.c.'') Oh, no! It looks like the dreaded… (''Pull back to frame both.'') …Do-Si-Do of Destruction!

(''On these last words, they link arms and drop toward the roof. They have turned their bodies so that they are falling back first. Bubbles and Buttercup sit up in their growing shadow, but not in time to avoid being crushed under the two giants. Cut to Brick.'')

'''Brick:''' And next… (''holding Blossom upside down in one hand'') …it’s the Saratoga Speed Bag!

(''Cut to a close-up of her on these last two words; he reaches into view and starts pummeling her as if she were that piece of boxing equipment. He ends by knocking her out of his grip and leaping toward her with one elbow extended. From her prone position on the roof and too stunned to move, she looks up at him and gets that elbow driven into her face. He gets up, leaving her with a black eye and some missing teeth. She moans dazedly and tries to rise, but Brick seizes her and pins her down. He holds his face very close to; close-up of him as he lets a runner of drool ooze slowly out of his mouth.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''from o.c.'') No! (''Cut to her.'') No! ''Nooo!'' No! No!

(''Her perspective; the drool descends toward her, and she moans weakly in disgust. Cut to just behind the drop as it works its way to her face, then to a side view of her. The spittle comes to within less than an inch before suddenly rising o.c.—he has sucked it back in. He smiles crookedly down at her and starts the torture all over again. Side view of him as the rope of drool breaks, after which he lifts her into view; she is sopping wet.'')

'''Brick:''' (''mocking'') Oh. Sorry, dude.

(''Butch, meanwhile, has recovered Buttercup and is smacking her around. Boomer knocks Bubbles across the ring, and Brick throws Blossom down. Buttercup takes another punch from Butch; Boomer stomps Blossom; Brick decks Buttercup, then Blossom when she tries to climb out of a hole. One more strike from each boy and the girls land in a barely conscious heap. Pull back slowly as the boys’ shadows loom large before the supine trio, then cut to the girls’ perspective; they laugh over the ease with which they have thrashed their former conquerors.'')

(''Head-on view of Butch, once again doing his insane-primate impersonation. The other boys flank him.'')

'''Butch:''' Dude, check it out. Check it out! (''He pulls a large, slimy slug from his back pocket.'')

'''Brick:''' Cool!

(''Boomer stands Bubbles up in front of himself, still holding on, and Butch grabs the back of Bubbles' diaper and stretches it out. The slug is stuffed in, and the dress is released. At this point, it is all she can do to keep her pitiful, painful moans from degenerating into a full-on crying fit. Cut to above the ring and pull back slowly as all three boys roar with laughter and point at the humiliation they have inflicted on her.'')

(''Buttercup finally comes around and lifts her head. She sees it all: Bubbles’ torment and the boy’s pointing fingers, then Butch, laughing with his tongue hanging out. She quickly becomes fully conscious, and fierce, burning anger inscribes itself all over her face. Zoom in to an extreme close-up as she squeezes her eyes shut, then cut to Butch. Suddenly she rockets toward him and delivers a crushing uppercut that leaves his tongue badly swollen.'')

'''Butch:''' (''moaning, tongue still hanging out'') I…I bit my tongue!

(''Brick and Boomer laugh themselves stupid at the sight—and he shrinks somewhat. The girls, meanwhile, have all gotten to their feet and cleaned themselves up; they stare incredulously. The slug is no longer in Bubbles’ diaper.'')

'''Blossom:''' Did you see that? Whenever their masculinity is threatened, they shrink in size.

(''A brainstorm hits her full force, and she beckons her sisters to lean in close.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''whispering'') Okay. So all we have to do is… (''She trails off into mumbling.'')

(''Cut to a man painting a billboard red. Bubbles flies to him and swipes his can and brush.'')

'''Bubbles:''' Sorry! (''She flies o.c.'')

'''Painter:''' Hey!

(''She carries the supplies back to Boomer and buzzes past him as he keeps laughing. Lifting the brush determinedly, she flies in tight circles around his head; when she stops, he finds that she has given him a wrong costume. His hair has been tied into one small pigtail, his mouth stuck in a pacifier.'')

(''Cut to Blossom in flight, with the boys’ laughter echoing from below. On the roof, Brick and Butch are making fun of Boomer, who shrinks in size; the other two boys trade a high five. Blossom flies behind Brick (who's crack is visible) and grabs the waistband of his pants. A quick yank and she flies away—leaving her opposite number with his pants around his ankles and a full rear exposure for the camera, Brick is both shocked and stunned on what has happened. Boomer and Butch have a hearty laugh at the spectacle; the victim, meanwhile, covers himself with his hands and shrinks down to their size. As the gale of chortles continues, he becomes smaller still—now they are all the same size. Pull back to show the girls watching all this; from the camera’s point of view, the boys seem to be a bit smaller than they started out.'')

'''Bubbles:''' It’s working! It’s working!

'''Blossom:''' Come on, girls. Let’s shrink ’em down to size!

(''They zip across the roof. Buttercup gets to Butch; he is actually now about half her height, and she pinches his cheek.'')

'''Buttercup:''' (''baby talk'') Aww, who’s almost wike a wittle man?

(''He shrinks again, so much that his head passes entirely out of view. Bubbles, meanwhile, cuddles Boomer like a baby. He too is considerably shorter than when he first showed up.'')

'''Bubbles:''' (''baby talk'') Aww, don’t cwy, wittle baby. Mommy’s here.

(''He also shrinks. Now Blossom pats Brick’s head; the latter has pulled his pants up and is also much less than normal size.'')

'''Blossom:''' (''baby talk'') Oh, no. Who’s a itty bitty, teeny tiny, dinky wittle cutie pie?

(''Close-up of him during this line; under her patting and words, he also shrinks greatly.)''

'''Buttercup:''' (''baby talk)'' Aaaww, poor wittwe doo-boo!

(''Butch shrinks down more again screaming with embarrassment.)''

'''Bubbles:''' (''baby talk)'' Aww ''hello'' little doopy dewbilee!

(''Down shrinks Boomer more.)''

'''Blossom:''' (''baby talk)'' Aaaw, the baby poo-poo baby boo-boo ga-ga!

(''Brick is the loudest of the bunch of his screams. Pull back to frame all three—now they are not even tall enough to reach the buckles of the girls’ shoes, and they are crying from embarrassment.'')

'''Brick:''' (''to Boomer and Butch'') Stop crying, you sissies! (''The girls lean down over them in time with the next lines.'')

'''Blossom:''' Aww, aren’t they cute?

'''Bubbles:''' They look like tiny little dollies.

'''Buttercup:''' Yeah. We saved the day!

(''The standard end shot comes up.'')

'''Narrator:''' So once again, the day that will be saved—thanks to the Powerpuff Girls! Whoo-hoo! Go, girls! Go!

===''Bubblevision/Bought and Scold'' [3.4]===
:'''Professor''': Bubbles, you look super.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': ''[offscreen]'' Bubbles!
:''[Camera turns around to show Blossom and Buttercup hovering behind Bubbles]''
:'''Bubbles''': Nope.
:'''Blossom''': Bubbles!
:'''Bubbles''': I’m not listening.
:'''Buttercup''': Bubbles, turn around!
:'''Bubbles''': Huh? ''[She turns. Blurry close-up of Blossom]''
:'''Blossom''': Come on, put your glasses on and help us! ''[In-focus shot of an angry Bubbles]''
:'''Bubbles''': Uh-uh, you’ll laugh at me! ''[Blurry close-up of Buttercup]''
:'''Buttercup''': We will not. Now put them on!
:''[In-focus shot of Bubbles again as she puts the glasses on. Camera shifts to behind her head as Blossom and Buttercup once again laugh uncontrollably, then back to Bubbles’ close-up. She takes the glasses off again, furious with her sisters being unable to avoid laughing when they see her with them on]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[even angrier]'' See? ''[Blurry shot of Blossom and Buttercup]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[still laughing]'' We’re sorry, we’re sorry.

===''Gettin' Twiggy With It/Cop Out'' [3.5]===
:'''Brickowski''': ''[as he enters the chief's office]'' Hey, man.
:'''Chief of Police''': Don't &quot;man&quot; me, sit down. ''[gestures to a seat]''
:'''Brickowski''': So what's up, Chief?
:'''Chief of Police''': You're fired, Brickowski. ''[our cop-out cop reacts in much the same way we'd expect, with dismayed horror. The screen goes brown before opening back out to the office in slats-we are watching the scene through the office blinds]'' I want you out of here immediately.
:'''Brickowski''': ''[breaks out into a smile and laughs heartily, thinking it is all a joke and he's not being kicked off the force because of his lazy behavior]'' Chief, you crack me up!
:''[The Chief then suddenly snaps and loses his cool, slams his fists on the desk, and looms into Brickowski's face furiously. So much that the veins on his neck can be seen to indicate how upset he is with the worst member of his department. This shuts Brickowski up in a heartbeat once he sees how enraged his superior is at him.]''
:'''Chief of Police''': '''THIS IS NO JOKE, BRICKOWSKI!''' ''[jabs a finger in the former copper's face as he continues his rant over]'' '''YOU ARE THE WORST, MOST INCOMPETENT OFFICER I HAVE EVER KNOWN!''' ''[calming down, sitting back down in his chair]'' Now hand over your badge.
:'''Brickowski''': You... want my badge?
:'''Chief of Police''': Did I stutter? Now hand it over. ''[Brickowski hands over his badge and the Chief takes it as he continues over. The same is then repeated with the other items the Chief lists]'' Good. Your sunglasses. ''[Brickowski also hands over a red pistol, his service weapon, but the Chief's hand waves it away]'' No, no, you can keep that. Little souvenir for ya. That doughnut's looking good though. Oh, yeah.
:''[The camera returns to focus on the speaker. As Brickowski speaks, the camera zooms in and the Chief brings the doughnut to his face and out of view, possibly to take a bite of it himself.]''
:'''Brickowski''': Hey, I know what this is really about. It's those Powerpuff Girls' fault. They do all the work and now you gotta make cutbacks, so you're laying off good old Brickowski. WELL, I THINK THAT STINKS!!
:''[He casts his gaze to his right, and we follow to see a photo of the chief with the Powerpuff Girls. The caption reads 'SWEARING IN 1994', indicating the Girls were present for the chief's inauguration to his current rank in the force. Brickowski's hand comes into view, punching the picture and shattering the glass, making the frame fall to the ground. He is heard charging off and we see the door slam before the chief leans into view, somewhat shocked by his former officer's reaction and vehement deniability to being laid off due to his behavior.]''
:'''Chief of Police''': Son of a gun.

===''Three Girls and a Monster/Monkey See, Doggy Two'' [3.6]===
:'''Bubbles:''' There. '''''&lt;big&gt;THAT'S HOW YOU GET RID OF A MONSTER, YOU BIG, FAT, DOO-DOO-HEADED NINNIES!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo''': This plan ROCKED! ''[on his TV, the beam is fired from the telescope, engulfing the world]'' Check it out. This plan was so big, it was affecting the whole world! (the French lovers are hit) Paris! (the Eskimo is next) Eskimo-land! (the Japanese man gets it) Japan!
:'''Blossom''': Hey, who filmed this, anyway? ''[cut to her and the girls charging in]'' What, do you have cameras all over the world?
:'''Mojo''': Yes! Now shut up!

===''Jewel of the Aisle/Super Zeroes'' [3.7]===
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': ''[sing-song voice]'' Lucky Captain Rabbit King! Lucky Captain Rabbit King! Lucky Captain Rabbit King!
:'''Thief''': ''[disguised as Lucky Captain Rabbit King]'' All right, cool it down! Cool it down. Now, uh... ''[clears his throat]'' Listen up. The Captain and Tennille has a headache. I'm just here for some cereal, then I'll be on my way. ''[reaches for the box of Lucky Captain Rabbit King Nuggets]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[swipes the cereal box]'' You think we're that stupid?
:'''Buttercup''': We know you have to try and trick us.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, just like in the commercials!
:'''Buttercup''': So don't come back until you've got something good! ''[slams the door in the thief's face. A moment later, the doorbell rings and she answers it]''
:'''Thief''': ''[in his fake deep voice]'' Hey, did you guys just see my twin brother?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[slams the door in his face again]'' Weak!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Gir--
:'''Blossom''': ''[from inside bedroom]'' Okay! ''[back to the door]'' Presenting... Townsville's newest heroes!
:''[The door opens, and she somersaults down the stairs to land in front of the Professor. She is fully decked out in the outfit that was hanging in the closet.]''
:'''Blossom''': Liberty Belle!
:''[A cloud of black fog seeps out of the room and down the stairs. It forms into a silhouette of Buttercup, with glowing green eyes and shreds of mist trailing behind.]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[in a low, scratchy voice]'' Mange. ''[she speaks in this manner for the rest of the episode. Back to the Professor]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[from inside bedroom]'' And don't forget... ''[something white sails out and bounds all over the place like a crazed Superball before settling down. It is Bubbles, wearing the hood and a matching jumpsuit and carrying the lunchbox]'' ...Harmony Bunny!
:'''Blossom/Liberty Belle''': And we are...!
:'''Professor''': ...Too late. ''[hangs up the phone as they watch in total bewilderment, then regards them with a raised eyebrow. It is clear he is disappointed in them screwing around for so long and not leaving at once to deal with the monster threat; dryly]'' Better heroes, huh?
:''[The girls hang their heads sadly.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor''': ''[from offscreen]'' Confound it! ''[the camera pulls back; he and Ms. Bellum are on a sidewalk. He looks at his watch with a Jigglypuff expy on it]'' Where can those blasted girls be?! ''[high-beam headlights play over the two of them]'' Oh!
:'''Blossom/Liberty Belle''': ''[stops the car and climbs out]'' Sorry we're late, Mayor.
:'''Bubbles/Harmony Bunny''': ''[bouncing into view, dismounting]'' But we're here!
:'''Buttercup/Mange''': ''[dropping into view]'' And ready to fight!
:'''Mayor''': Splendid! But there's a teensy little problem. ''[back to the girls. He continues offscreen]'' '''THE MONSTER LEFT!!!''' ''[back to him, quite irritated]'' Better heroes, huh!?
:''[Again the girls hang their heads for being tardy to the fight. Strike two for their new superhero personas.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve the Monster''': ''[dryly]'' Better heroes, huh? ''[kneeling]'' Listen, girls. My name is Steve. I'm a monster. I've been coming here for three days, causing all sorts of damage to your town. And what do I get? Two days of no-shows, and now this. ''[close-up of each girl in turn. He continues offscreen]'' A flag girl who does rope tricks, some rabbit, and Little Miss Darkness who's afraid of a little sun.
:'''Buttercup/Mange''': Hey! Do you have any idea who you're talking to?! ''[pan to Bubbles]''
:'''Bubbles/Harmony Bunny''': We're superheroes! ''[pan to Blossom]''
:'''Blossom/Liberty Belle''': Real ones!
:'''Steve the Monster''': You know, that's great and all. But, what am I supposed to tell all the guys back at Monster Isle? You see, when a monster visits Townsville, he must fight the Powerpuff Girls. And if he can hold his own and make it back to Monster Isle alive, he's a hero. Now, this new bit is just not gonna cut it. Sure, you didn't have a thirst for vengeance, stickers with faces on them, or souped-up vehicles, 'cause you didn't need them. You see, even if you take away the costumes, props and angst... ''[takes all of the Girls' costumes off, revealing them in their normal Powerpuff outfits]'' you still have all the bravery and courage it takes to save the day. So, what do you say, Powerpuff Girls?
:''[The girls smiled at each other]''
:'''Blossom''': Let's get him, girls!
:'''Steve the Monster''': Now, that's better. ''[gets beating up by the Girls]''
:'''Narrator''': So, once again, the day is saved... with no thanks to Liberty Belle, Harmony Bunny, or Mange... but to the one and only Powerpuff Girls!

===''Candy Is Dandy/Catastrophe'' [3.8]===
:'''Blossom''': What have we done? Look at us. Look at Mojo. This isn't who we are. This is crazy!
:'''Bubbles''': But what about the candy?
:'''Buttercup''': Don't you see, Bubbles?
:'''Blossom''': It was the candy that did this to us. The candy made us something we're not.

===''Hot Air Buffoon/Ploys R' Us'' [3.9]===

===''The Headsucker's Moxy/Equal Fights'' [3.10]===

===''Helter Shelter/Power Lunch'' [3.13]===
:'''Blossom''': All right, Bubbles! What animal do you have hiding in there?!
:'''Bubbles''': He's not a mammal, ''[opens the door and shows a blue whale in their bedroom]'' he's an animal!

===''Powerprof'' [3.11]===

===''The Headsucker's Moxy/Equal Fights'' [3.12]===

===''Moral Decay/Meet the Beat-Alls'' [3.13]===
:''[Mojo fires laser beams from his robot, Him fires with his energy beam from his mouth, and Princess fires her blaster rays from her hands, hitting the girls. Fuzzy throws a rock on them. They are stunned]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Did we just do what I think we did?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Yes. Individually, we have failed time and again. But together, we are victorious!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': I propose we join forces, and merge into one super-villain conglomerate!
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? We beat 'em? We beat all of 'em?
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' That's it! We will be known as...the Silver Beat-Alls!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No. Too fancy. We shall be known simply as...the Beat-Alls!
:''[&quot;A Hard Day's Night&quot; is heard as their faces are half-hidden in shadow a la the Beatles album]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Girls scream as a parody of &quot;A Hard Day's Night&quot; plays]''
:'''Stuart Best''': ''[voice over]'' Yes, screaming girls everywhere ran screaming whenever the Beat-Alls made the scene. ''[the foursome walk single file along a crosswalk, in a scene reminiscent of the Beatles' album Abbey Road]'' Individually, it had been a long and winding road. ''[they enter the National Trust Bank]'' But together, the Beat-Alls, or the &quot;Bad Four&quot;, as they were also known, had finally conquered Townsville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stuart Best''': ''[voice over]'' And Fuzzy, the shy one...
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': I'm gonna let you down and leave you flat! ''[throws the rock and crushes the girls, silencing them]''
:'''Stuart Best''': ''[voice over]'' ...provides the rock. Thus the Brutish Invasion had begun. ''[the girls are repeatedly blasted and crushed]'' Again... and again... and again... ''[the Beat-Alls are leaning over a balcony smiling down, reminiscent of the Beatles' album Please Please Me]'' ...the girls were defeated by the Beat Alls. Till eventually, ''[they disappear]'' the girls stopped showing up entirely. ''[the Beat-Alls are pummeling a band that bears a striking resemblance to the Beatles]'' And the Beat-Alls had a ticket to ride.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[to the audience]'' Will the people in the cheap seats, please leave! And the rest of you, hand over your jewelry!
:''[They do, followed by B&amp;W head shots of each villain in various goofy poses]''
:'''Stuart Best''': ''[voice over]'' Having finally bested the Powerpuff Girls, the Beat-Alls rushed to the top of the charts of the Most Wanted list. ''[wanted posters appear on the screen]'' When questioned, authorities had this to say.
:'''Sgt. Pepper''': ''[resembles Old Fred from Yellow Submarine]'' Thank you. My name is Sergeant Pepper of the Townsville Police, and at the request of my commanding officers, I'd like to make this statement. ''[clearing throat, as the parody tune of Hey Bulldog begins]'' Help! We need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! We need the Powerpuff Girls! ''[clearing throat again]'' Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Utonium''': ''[referencing various Beatles songs]'' Oh, girls...Yesterday all our troubles seemed so far away. Now it seems as though they're here to stay. Sitting here eight days a week, everyone seems to think you're lazy. I don't care, I think they're crazy. But you used to be running everywhere at such a speed! Now you think there's no need.
:'''Buttercup''': There isn't!
:'''Bubbles''': If we can't stop the Beat-Alls...
:'''Blossom''': We're never saving the day again.
:'''Professor Utonium''': Oh, you can't do that. What will Townsville do when they look for the girls with the sun in their eyes and they're gone?
:'''Blossom''': But what can we do?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Well, first of you have to realize that the Beat-Alls are just a rock band.
:'''Girls''': Huh?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Fuzzy, he does that-that rock thing. But that's not important. What ''is'' important is this: Mojo Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it couldn't last. He's just getting by with a little help from his friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[aiming his laser gun]'' I want to hold your cash!
:'''Man''': ''[pointing]'' Too late. Somebody beat you to it.
:''[During a parody of I Want You (She's So Heavy), Mojo climbs the ladder and finds some tiny writing: &quot;This is A Stick up!&quot;]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Brilliant! Who is responsible for this?! Who is behind such a unique and innovative approach to committing... ''[sees a female monkey]'' crimes? ''[during a parody of Strawberry Fields Forever, they fall in love]'' I've got to get you into my life! ''[she lets loose a scream at eardrum-piercing levels]'' I love you too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Beat-Alls steal items during a parody of The Ballad of John and Yoko]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': So tell us again why we're only stealing toilet paper, light bulbs, milk, flour, and eggs.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Well, Moko's idea is that stealing items that are all white isn't against the law. So it's okay to take them.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Huh?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': It's all right 'cause they're all white!
:''[Princess sighs in disgust, Him looks very annoyed, and Fuzzy drops his load]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Him, Princess and Fuzzy have quit the Beat-Alls]''
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': Now what do we do?
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate and demonic voice]'' Let's [[w:Get Back|get back to where we once belonged]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Princess, Him, and Fuzzy are deploying their respective weapons during a parody tune of The End]''
:'''Mayor''': The Beat-Alls are up on the rooftops, and they're destroying Townsville! They just won't let it be!
:'''Blossom''': ''[nervously]'' The...Beat-Alls?
:'''Mayor''': Well, three of them, at least. ''[they hang up]'' Uh, hello?...Girls?...Oh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[gasping]'' Look! ''[news everywhere say &quot;BEAT-ALLS ARE OVER.&quot;]'' Here! There! EVERYWHERE! I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside, a feeling I can't hide. Oh, no.

==Season 4==
===''Flim Flam'' [4.1]===

===''All Chalked Up'' [4.2]===
:'''Bubbles''': Huh?...Hey! You erased my drawing!
:'''Mitch''': Um...sorry. 
:'''Buttercup''': ''[She now stands nearby, angry]'' What are you apologizing for?! She shouldn’t draw her stupid pictures on the blacktop if she doesn’t want ’em played on!
:'''Bubbles''': I have every right that you do to be here!
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! Well, I don’t...
:'''Bubbles''': I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!
:'''Buttercup''': A playground is for playing!
:'''Bubbles''': '''AND DRAWING IS PLAYING IS PLAYING, YOU NINNY!!!!'''
:''[They start to argue at full voice, and other kids turn to watch. Blossom does likewise]''
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Children''': Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
:''[As they chant, they gather in a ring around the two squabbling sisters. Blossom, floating behind the group, moves in for a closer look and then pushes her way to the front]''
:'''Blossom:''' All right, break it up, break it up! ''[Everyone falls silent]'' What’s going on here?!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[pointing to Buttercup]'' Well, she started it!
:'''Buttercup''': She was the one drawing all over the place!
:''[close-up of Blossom’s face, which shows a healthy degree of disgust and irritation. Her eyes dart from side to side while the other two start to yell at each other again. After several seconds, the camera pulls back, and Blossom, unable to bear this uproar any longer, raises her hands in anger]''
:'''Blossom''': '''''Shut up!!!''''' ''[Bubbles and Buttercup stop arguing]'' Bubbles, you first.
:'''Bubbles''': Well, I was just minding my own business, drawing...
:'''Buttercup''': You see?
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup, let Bubbles finish!
:'''Mitch''': Just fight already!
:'''Bubbles''': Buttercup has to share the blacktop just like everyone else.
:'''Blossom''': That sounds fair to me.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[losing it]'' NO WAY! I'm not sharing nothing! This is the playground! There's plenty of paper in the classroom! She doesn't need to fill the blacktop with her scribbles. You know what I think of Bubbles and her drawings? '''YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?!''' ''[She destroys Bubbles' chalks by stomped violently it with her foot. Bubbles is shocked]'' That's what ''I'' think.
:''[Bubbles gets up as she angry and growling as she tries to get enough energy to punch Buttercup, but she can't because she is too kind-hearted. Instead, Bubbles bursts into a fit of misery and tears, crying loudly as she flies away to a forest]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As the chalk monsters attack Pokey Oaks Kindergarten]''
:'''Blossom''': EVERYONE GET INSIDE! ''[All the kids run into the classroom. A giant chalk turtle smashes the classroom's roof]'' EVERYONE GET OUTSIDE!
:''[The kids run back outside]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bubbles uses the chalk to turn all the other monsters into happy drawings. Him is enraged]''
:'''Him''': No! No! NO!
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': All right!
:'''Him''': You can't do that! You're supposed to express your anger!
:'''Bubbles''': I am. I'm just expressing it in a positive way. And I think you were more positive when you were a cute...little...butterfly! ''[Uses her chalk to draw on Him, turning him into a butterfly, embarrassing Him]'' What do you think?
:'''Blossom''': Oh, yes.
:'''Buttercup''': Much better.
:'''Him''': '''NO!'''
:''[He disappears in a flash of light as the monsters turn back into harmless chalk drawings]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[to Bubbles]'' You did it!
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah, you rock, Bubbles! Um...I, uh...um...well, I...
:'''Bubbles''': ''[putting hands on Buttercup's shoulders]'' That's okay. I forgive you.

===''Get Back, Jojo'' [4.3]===
:'''Narrator''': So once again the days are saved... ''[the girls appear in their usual pose]'' ...thanks to the Powerpuff Girls! But the credit should go to none other than Mojo Jojo... ''[he appears, replacing the girls, when his name is spoken. He looks completely dumbfounded]'' ...who once again had a hand in helping create the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Mojo''': ''[anguished]'' '''NOOOOOOOO!!!'''
:'''Narrator''': Yes!

===''Him Diddle Riddle'' [4.4]===
:''[After the girls solve the first riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Congratulations! One down, eight to go. And remember, you must solve these riddles within the time limit. Fail in any aspect and ''[demonic voice]'' '''the Professor will pay!'''
:'''Buttercup''': You tell us where the Professor is, Him!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Ah-ah-ah. You've brought joy to the people for so many years. Now to their eyes, you must bring tears. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got two minutes.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the second riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Very clever! Oh, you got that one without trying. Now do this without flying! Go to the corner of Chang and Ching, there on the street the phone will ring. What then, you might ask? Answer the phone to get your next task. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got three minutes!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the third riddle]''
:'''Blossom''': We did it, Him. Now what?
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, well. Presidential Fitness Awards all around. ''[demonic]'' '''Now let's excercise your brain!''' ''[effeminate]'' Train A left Pokey Oaks train station at 11:40 at a hundred miles per hour. Train B left Norwalk Station 10 minutes later at 90 miles per hour heading towards Train A. ''[demonic]'' '''Where will they collide?'''
:'''Bubbles''': Math?! I hate math!
:'''Blossom''': Bubbles! Think of the Professor!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' You've got one minute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[Blossom is doing math on an abacus after Him tells her that she's got 1 minute]''
:'''Buttercup''': Can't you abacus any faster?
:'''Blossom''': &quot;Abacus&quot; my butt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the fourth riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, girls, you caught these two trains right on time.
:'''Blossom''': We're finished with this nonsense, Him! Now where's the Professor?
:'''Him''': But I've only just started! In the ear of corn, you will find happiness, joy, and the ties that bind. Squirrels store nuts and birds sing songs, but in the Cave of Eternity, everyone's wrong. On the limb of a tree, there's a monkey who's free, and there he will give you something for me. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got two minutes; 45 seconds!'''
:''[The girls solve the fifth riddle, which ironically took place during the commercial break. Him licks an ice cream]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' I can't believe you got that one right! You got the right flavor and everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Ooh, ooh! I know, I know! Ms. Keanes... who will the other Ms. Keane say is the real Ms. Keane?
:''[The two Keanes exchange a nervous glance]''
:'''Keane 2''': She would say that I was the real Ms. Keane!
:'''Keane 1''': And she would say that she was the real Ms. Keane!
:'''Blossom''': It’s so apparent! It's obvious that the liar would say that the real Ms. Keane would say that the fake Ms. Keane is the real Ms. Keane. And conversely, the real Ms. Keane would say that the fake Ms. Keane would say she is the real Ms. Keane. So therefore, the real Ms. Keane is none other than... number two! ''[Bubbles and Buttercup look at Him who is stunned]''
:'''Him''': ''[shrugs]'' She's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Time's up! Put your #2 pencils down and pass your papers forward. Let's start with Buttercup's results, shall we? 25.
:'''Blossom''': Haha!
:'''Him''': Next, Blossom's. 10.
:'''Blossom''': What?!
:'''Buttercup''': Ha!
:'''Him''': And finally, Bubbles. 
:''[She only filled in the dots to draw a flower]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, no...
:'''Buttercup''': The Professor's a goner!
:''[Bubbles' score is 1075, much to everyone's surprise]''
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Buttercup''': Huh?
:'''Him''': Huh?
:'''Bubbles''': Ha!
:'''Him''': Well, I'll be darned. ''[demonic]'' '''You will not defeat me, you little brats! The Professor ''will'' pay!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the seventh riddle, a lizard monster appears in the city]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Let's see if you can defeat this monster.
:'''Blossom''': No problem.
:'''Him''': Ah-ah-ah. You didn't let me finish. You must get rid of this little guy without using your superpowers.
:'''Blossom''': Again, no problem.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the eighth riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''NO! You brats shouldn't have gotten this far!'''
:'''Blossom''': One riddle left, Him, and the Professor is good as ours!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' We'll see, won't we? You will find your Professor when you solve this last rhyme: &quot;Where is boiling and freezing at the same time?&quot;. ''[Laughs]'' The Professor ''[demonic]'' '''''will'' pay!''' ''[effeminate]'' 30 seconds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Too late, girls. You failed. ''[demonic]'' '''The Professor is going to pay!''' ''[laughs]''
:'''Professor''': No!
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Professor...
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Time to pay.''' ''[suddenly rings up a cash register; effeminate]'' That'll be 7.95, please.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[stunned]'' Say wha...?!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' You see, I bet the Professor here a free breakfast if you girls could solve all my riddles. But you failed. ''[demonic]'' '''And now he has to pay full price!'''
:'''Professor''': Here's your money, Him. Your flapjacks are good, but not that good. I'm never eating here again! Come on, girls. Let's go eat at the other restaurant.
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Wait! Wait, come back! I'll make my flapjacks cheaper!
:''[The Powerpuff Girls stare at the camera, stunned and confused]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[just as confused]'' And so...hmm...ugh... yeah.

===''Members Only'' [4.5]===
:'''Mascumax''': Men of Earth! Witness the coming of... MASCUMAX! Breaker of men! Taker of worlds! Be there any true men amongst thee?! Step forth and bring thy manhood against mine own, so that we might see who has the upper hand upon the measuring stick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mascumax has been defeating the male superheroes easily]''
:'''Mascumax''': Fools! I feed off your expulsions of manliness! The more manhood you bring against me, the harder I become!
:'''Blossom''': Hey, buff! Why don't you try some Powerpuff?
:'''Mascumax''': What? Little girls?! ''[laughs]'' Shouldn't you be home learning how to be mommies?!
:'''Buttercup''': Ugh, ''this'' stuff again?
:'''Blossom''': Look, this planet is our home, and mommies are ready to clean house! ''[they land several successful blows on Mascumax and knock him down]'' All right, ladies, let's do some ''real'' cookin'! Form Furious Flaming Feline!
:''[The girls form a cat-like shape made of fire, which leaps at Mascumax, setting him on fire, and rubs against his leg]''
:'''Mascumax''': ARGH! NO, IT CANNOT BE!
:'''Blossom''': If you can't take the heat, then stay out of the kitchen!
:''[Mascumax chickens out, transforming back into hotrod mode and flying back into space]''
:'''Mascumax''': ''[sobbing]'' WAH! MOMMY, THERE WAS SOME GIRLS, AND THEY WERE BEING MEAN TO ME!

===''Knock it Off'' [4.6]===
:'''Professor Utonium''': When were you in New York?
:'''Blossom''': Yesterday.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[whispering]'' No, today.
:'''Blossom''': I mean...today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': What happened to Professor Dick?
:'''Bubbles''': And the other Powerpuff Girls?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Well, Old Dick may have gotten the formula right, but the one ingredient that he forgot was &quot;love&quot;. Let's go home, girls.
:'''Professor Dick''': ''[screaming while dying]'' '''NO!'''

===''Super Friends'' [4.7]===
:''[The girls introduce their new friend Robin to Professor Utonium]''
:'''Bubbles''': He made us in his laboratory by accident.
:'''Professor''': Yes, uh...well, it was sort of an accident...
:'''Robin''': That's okay, Professor. I was an accident, too! ''[his eyes widen]'' Your dad is funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess''': Hey girls, let me be a Powerpuff Girl for a day and you could ride in Daddy's limo with me to school!
:'''Blossom''': No thanks, Princess. We'd rather walk with our new friend, Robin, to school.
:'''Princess''': Very well then. You obviously don't know a thing about first class travel...how 'bout 5 bucks?
:'''Blossom''': ''[resting her hands on her hips]'' Would that be 5 bucks to ride in your limo, or 5 bucks to be a Powerpuff Girl?

===''Nano to the North'' [4.8]===

===''Stray Bullet'' [4.9]===
:''[The Powerpuff Girls induct their new member]''
:'''Blossom''' : May I have your attention, please!  Friends!  Family!  Esteemed colleagues!  We are gathered here today for a momentous occasion!  Bubbles, translate.
:'''Bubbles''': Oh yeah. Cheep cheep, cheep cheep. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep.
:'''Blossom''': Today, for the first time ever...
:'''Bubbles''': Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...we have discovered an individual...
:'''Bubbles''': ...cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...whose bravery...
:'''Bubbles''': ...cheep cheep cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...strength...
:'''Bubbles''': ...cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...and agility...
:'''Bubbles''': ...cheep cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...have proven her worthy to be a member of our exclusive organization...
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
:'''Bubbles''': CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! Hey, Professor! Clap!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Hm? Oh, uh, yay!
:'''Blossom''': And so, dubbed with the appropriate 'B' name...
:'''Bubbles''': Cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep...
:'''Buttercup''': Bruce begins with a B!
:'''Blossom''': Shh! I hereby dub thee...
:'''Bubbles''': Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep...
:'''Blossom''': ...Powerpuff Bullet!
:'''Bubbles''': ...Cheep cheep - Cheep cheep!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Woo hoo, yeah! ''[hoots]'' Ha ha ha, yeah! ''[hoots]''

===''Forced Kin'' [4.10]===
:''[The invading robot has defeated the Girls and wrecked Townsville]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No! My laboratory, home to all my evil plans and devices...destroyed!
:'''Robot''': Earth creatures, the destruction of your dwelling area is now complete. I am now your new leader.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': NO! That is ''my'' line! ''I've'' always wanted to say that!
:'''Robot''': And you will now bow down to me. ''[Townsville's people are shown bowing]'' Yes, just like that.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No! No! &lt;big&gt;'''''NO...!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[he goes completely berserk, shrieking like a wild chimpanzee as the robot watches in disgust]'' &lt;big&gt;'''''YOU!! HAVE!! BROKEN!! MY!! DREAMS!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[beats up the robot, finally knocking it down with a blow to the head with the hard loaf of bread. He then pulls its lower leg back, making it cry out in pain and pound the ground]'' Say it! SAY IT!! &lt;big&gt;'''''SAY IT!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Robot''': &lt;big&gt;''YOU'' ARE THE MOST EVIL!&lt;/big&gt; ''[collapses again]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': And don't you forget it!

===''Keen on Keane/Not So Awesome Blossom'' [4.11]===
:''[During a battle between Blossom and one of Mojo's robots]''
:'''Blossom''': Okay! It's just you and me! Let's see what you got! ''[blows a raspberry at the robot]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[reading Mojo's note over the hotline]'' &quot;Bubbles, Buttercup or whichever of the two remaining Powerpuff Girls has answered the hotline, listen closely. Pay attention. Concentrate intently on the words coming from my mouth. I, the Professor, am being held prisoner. I am being kept against my will in a location not of my choosing. If you desire my safe return you must...&quot; Oh, excuse me. Could you please move your finger?
:'''Mojo''': Sorry.
:'''Professor''': Thank you. &quot;...come to the lair of Mojo Jojo together, not alone. Independently...&quot;
:'''Buttercup''': I think we need to go to Mojo's and save the Professor.
:'''Bubbles''': Again?!

===''Power-Noia'' [4.12]===
:''[Blossom becomes determined to face her fear in the dream world]''
:'''Blossom''': ENOUGH! Next question.
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Sure, next question. ''[demonic voice]'' '''What is the square root of seven?!''' ''[Him and the schoolchildren laugh]''
:'''Blossom''': Seven doesn't have a square root. It's prime! ''[Everyone stops laughing]''
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': '''That is...''' ''[effeminate]'' correct. What is the algebraic formula for determining the area of a triangle?
:'''Blossom''': Half the base times height!
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': That's correct. If a train leaves Boston at 12:30pm traveling at 75 miles per hour, and another train leaves Los Angeles at the same time traveling at 90 miles per hour... ''[demonic]'' '''which one will get to Cuba first?'''
:'''Blossom''': Neither! Trains don't go to Cuba, &quot;Ms. Keane&quot;!
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, how perspective of you. Oh, well. ''[throws question cards away; demonic]'' '''Tests bore me. You think you're so smart, don't you?'''
:'''Blossom''': I outsmarted you, didn't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Him''': Please! No more! Don't hurt me! I don't understand. ''[demonic]'' '''I was so close!''' ''[effeminate]'' I almost had you! You are supposed to be afraid!
:'''Blossom''': Guess you should've done your homework, weirdo!
:'''Bubbles''': We're sisters and we love each other!
:'''Blossom''': And we're not afraid of anything as long as we have each other.
:'''Buttercup''': Gimme a break, you two! Yab-yab-yab! Can I toss this guy, already?
:''[Pause]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, okay.
:'''Him''': No, wait! It's cool! It's cool! Everything's cool! ''[Buttercup punches Him into a black hole]'' NO!

==Season 5==
===''Monstra-City/Shut the Pup Up'' [5.1]===

===''Toast of the Town/Divide and Conquer'' [5.2]===
:'''Mayor of Townsville''': Mayor want toast! Mayor want toast!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Look I'm a scientist not a mechanic, what you need to do is take your toaster to the manufacturer and have a certified mechanic fix it.
:''[Mayor starts to get mad]''
:'''Mayor of Townsville''': MAYOR WANT TOAST! MAYOR WANT TOAST!
:'''Professor Utonium''': ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'll have a look at your toaster. But then I've got to get back to my experiments.
:'''Mayor''': Oh, goody, goody! ''[starts to jump up and down] Is it done yet?
:'''Professor''': No.
:'''Mayor''': How about now?
:'''Professor''': No
:'''Mayor''': Now?
:'''Professor''': No.
:'''Mayor''': Now it's done right?
:'''Professor''': No, no, no, it's not done. Look, I don't really know what I'm doing,so it's gonna take a while.Why don't you just wait over there,and I'll let you know when I'm finished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Oh, no. You're gonna sit right here, be a good little Mayor, and stay put while I work on your toaster. And if you're quiet, you can have some candy. Good boy. ''[puts the mayor in a highchair, and gives him a jar full of candy]
:'''Mayor''': Say, these are all lemon! Somebody ate all the Goody cherry candies! ''[throws jar on the ground]'' Mayor want cherry! Mayor want cherry!
:'''Professor''': ''[runs to him with an industrial size bag cherry candies]'' Here, cherry. Now please, let me work in peace. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Professor! What's going on?
:'''Professor''': Oh, it's the mayor, girls. He got into my chemical X so I scolded him, and now he's run off pouting.

===''Burglar Alarmed/'Shotgun Wedding'' [5.3]===
:'''Bubbles''': You know what ''I'' think? I think that you ''don’t'' have another appointment!
:'''Burglar''': ''[laughing nervously]'' You’re right. You got me. No appointment. It’s the train. I have to catch the two-thirty train.
:''[During this line, he starts to back away from the door. Buttercup speaks up from the fireplace]''
:'''Buttercup''': There is no Townsville two-thirty train.
:''[He makes a beeline for the sliding doors]''
:'''Burglar''': Yeah, well, I really should be going anyway.
:''[An eye laser beam hits the doors' middle edge, sealing off his escape]''
:'''Blossom''': But, Mr. Burglar, you just got here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The burglar runs into a dark room]''
:'''Burglar''': Those girls are mutants! I don’t have a chance against them! Superpower strength…telekinetic levitation…laser beam eyeballs! Ah, here we go.
:''[The burglar has pulled on the arm of Buttercup hanging from the ceiling, with red light emanating from her eyes like a lamp]''
:'''Buttercup''': Click.
:'''Burglar''': I sure picked the wrong house to rob!
:'''Buttercup''': You sure did.
:''[Realizing she isn't a lamp, he screams and races into the kitchen]''
:'''Blossom''': Mr. Burglar Man! We’re not going to tell you again!

===''Save Mojo/Substitute Creature'' [5.4]===

===''The Boys are Back in Town'' [5.5]===
:'''Narrator:''': And their day, the girls even manage to humble...HIM.
:''[In his lair, Him is angrily watching the Powerpuff Girls on TV having saved the day once again]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[on TV]'' Yeah, it was rough in the beginning, but I paced myself and just wore the monster down.
:'''Blossom''': ''[on TV]'' We were just glad to be of service. Good job, girls!
:'''Him''': ''[mocking Blossom; effeminate voice]'' &quot;We were just glad to be of service. Good job, girls!&quot; ''[demonic voice]'' '''Blah! Blast the Powerpuff brats! They disgust me! So... ''effortless!'' They seem to be unbeatable.''' ''[effeminate]'' All these years, and all the villains have produced nothing. So much time, such little results. ''[demonic]'' '''There ''must'' be a way. There must be someone who can knock those brats down to size!''' ''[groans and sits down on his chair; effeminate]'' Oh, boy. ''[suddenly sees something on the TV and slowly smiles; demonic]'' '''Oh, ''boy''...'''  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': You girls just got lucky last time. This time, there's no way you're gonna beat my boys!
:'''Butch''': Butch!
:'''Boomer''': Boomer!
:'''Brick''': And me, Brick! ''[Boomer sees a fly and playfully swats at it; annoyed]'' Pay attention!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[giggling]'' Are you guys sure you're ready for another beating?
:'''Boomer''': ''[trying to sound tough]'' You girls are gonna eat your words, spit 'em out, and eat 'em again!
:'''Blossom''': ...That doesn't even make sense.
:'''Boomer''': I know you are, but what am I?!
:'''Buttercup''': Enough! Talk is cheap! Let's do this!
:'''Butch''': ''[snickers dementedly]'' This is gonna be fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': All right, girls. I think we know what we have to do. Let's give 'em some sugar!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[eagerly]'' Ooh, ooh, I want the blonde! I think he's cute!
:'''Buttercup''': ''Man'', you're weird!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': Your [[w:cooties|cootie]]-kisses only make us bigger!
:'''Boomer''': Stronger!
:'''Butch''': And tougher!
:'''Brick''': ''[laughs]'' You stupid lame-o girls never learn. Now it's time to put these babies to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': So ''you're'' behind this, Him! What did you do to make our kisses powerless?!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, that. That's my little secret. You see, I realized that the Boys' only weakness ''[demonic]'' '''was your pathetic little kisses. And since I''' ''[effeminate]'' knew you would resort to that, I added a little something extra: a cootie vaccination! &quot;[[w:Circle Circle Dot Dot|Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot; now you have a cootie shot!]]&quot; ''[laughs]'' I got the spell off the Internet. But your kisses aren't totally useless, girls. ''[demonic]'' '''They make my boys bigger and more powerful!''' ''[laughs; effeminate]'' At last, I win! Have fun, girls! Ta-ta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': You calling us STUPID?!
:'''Boomer''': We'll show you stupid! ''[Boomer crosses his arms and smiles proudly. Brick slaps him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Powerpuff Girls finally defeat the Rowdyruff Boys by shrinking them down to size, Him comes back, angry]''
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''CAN'T YOU LITTLE BRATS DO ''ANYTHING'' RIGHT?! I SENT YOU TO DESTROY THEM, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?!''' ''[effeminate]'' You get all ''sissified!'' ''[with a wave of his claw, he makes the Boys vanish. The Girls smile in triumph]'' Oh, don't look so smug, girls. Though you may have won this time, ''[demonic voice]'' '''it was a lucky victory and you know it!''' ''[effeminate]'' In time, you ''[demonic voice]'' '''will''' ''[effeminate]'' fall, and we ''[demonic voice]'' '''will''' ''[effeminate]'' defeat you! So keep on your toes, stay alert, ''[demonic voice]'' '''and watch your back... because the boys are back in town!''' ''[vanishes in a spiral of smoke, laughing]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, boy...
:'''Narrator''': &quot;Oh, boy&quot; is right! It seems the battle of the sexes has begun! Let's just hope the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!

===''See Me, Feel Me, Gnomey'' [5.6]===
:'''Bossman''': ''[singing]'' Townsville's goin' down! I'm gonna throw this paper on the ground!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Mayor''': ''[singing]'' The babies can grow, and the little old folks, can walk real slooo-ho!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[repeated line, singing]'' Do the people have to be freedom beef?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Gnome''': ''[the only unsung words in the entire episode, falling down to his demise; last words]'' As I descend to the Earth, and I view the universe above me, I realize that life revolves, evolves, and dissolves, completely around the opposites. Therefore, I conclude that I cannot exist in my Utopian... ''[closes his eyes]'' mind... ''[hits the ground]''

===''Pee Pee G's/Boy Toys'' [5.7]===
:'''Narrator''': The city of Towns- ''[in the girls' room, they stare morosely at another lake in their bed]'' ...oh, come on! I've heard of toilet humor, but this is ridiculous!
:'''Girls''': ''[weakly]'' I didn't do it...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo''': You should have seen your faces when... ''[laughs]'' &quot;You did it!&quot; &quot;No, you did it!&quot; &quot;I didn't do it!&quot; ''[laughs uncontrollably until he feels a pee coming on]'' Uh-oh! ''[just wet the bed, causing the girls to laugh]'' Shut up, shut up! It's not what it looks like! My water bottle broke! It's not funny! Shut up!

===''Boy Toys'' [5.7]===

===''Seed No Evil/The City of Clipsville'' [5.8]===
:''[Cut to teenaged valley girl versions of Blossom and Bubbles at the mall]''
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Blossom! Look!
:''[They gaze at teenage counterparts of the Rowdyruff Boys]''
:'''Teen Butch''': ''[reading a magazine]'' Wow.
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''[on her phone]'' Tell me about it. Like, that's what I said. Hang on a sec-
:'''Teen Blossom''': ''[nudging her]'' Bubbles, quick! Look!
:''[Teen Bubbles drops the phone as Teen Boomer is drinking a soda. All three girls are positively smitten]''
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''[hushed]'' Oh, we shouldn't talk to them. They're bad.
:'''Teen Blossom and Teen Buttercup''': ''[smiling wickedly]'' I know.
:''[As Bubbles talks to Boomer, a monster smashes through the dome and attacks screaming patrons while the teens do not notice]''
:'''Teen Boomer''': So...wassup?
:'''Teen Bubbles''': Oh, um...you know...hangin' out. What's up with you? 
:'''Teen Boomer''': You know...hangin' out. 
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''[laughing]'' For sure.
:''[As the other Girls talk to their counterparts, a couple of armed robbers open fire and rob a jewelry store as the teens pay no heed]''
:'''Teen Butch''': So wassup, ladies?
:'''Teen Brick''': You goin' to Todd's tonight?
:'''Teen Blossom''': Um...I have to study for an algebra test. For my English class. What are you doing?
:'''Teen Brick''': Uh...going to Todd's.
:'''Teen Blossom''': ''[laughing]'' Oh! What a coincidence.
:'''Teen Buttercup''': So what are you driving now?
:''[As they talk, an ATM explodes and two robbers run through a hole in the wall with a wagonload of cash]''
:'''Teen Butch''': Oh, I'm rockin' a new Escalade. Wanna take a ride?
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Uh, that's okay. We rode the one up from the first level.
:'''Teen Butch''': Yeah, I just put an MP3 player in it.
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Oh, cool! I love that game. How about you, Blossom? Wanna take a ride on Butch's escalator?
:'''Teen Blossom''': Sure. What floor?
:''[A flying saucer starts shooting and a large red monster roars. Back to the present]''
:'''Buttercup''': Boy, were we dumb.
:'''Blossom''': Yeah. Let's remember something else.

===''Lying Around the House/Bubble Boy'' [5.9]===
:'''Brick''': ''[he and his brothers drank 3 cans of soda]'' Man, beating up people for fun is really fun!
:'''Boomer''': Yeah! Beating up people for fun is really fun! ''[Brick throws a can in Boomer's face]'' Ow!
:'''Brick''': Dude! That's the dumbest thing you said all DAY!
:'''Boomer''': Well you said the same thing!
:'''Brick''': Yeah, but it sounds COOL coming out of my mouth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boomer''': I don't care what they say; I'm ''not'' as dumb as I look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': What are we going to do? ''[she is now dressed as Boomer]'' Well, how do I look?
:'''Boomer''': ''[now in his underwear]'' Boy, do you look dumb!
:'''Blossom''': Need we say more?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Gee, Professor, you sure outdid yourself with that containment ray.
:'''Professor''': I'll say! Once again, I have no idea what I did!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': ''[as Boomer]'' Uh, hi! It's me, Boomer, your brother!
:'''Brick''': We ''know'' you're our brother. We're not as stupid as you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': I know, let's punch each other in the face until someone says, &quot;Hey, stop punching me in the face.&quot; You first, Boomer. ''[punches Bubbles, who is posing as Boomer]''
:''[Brick and Butch laugh; Bubbles gets teary-eyed]''
:'''Buttercup''': Don't cry, Bubbles. You'll give yourself away.
:'''Bubbles''': Heh, funny. Okay, my turn.
:'''Brick''': Nah, I'm sick of that game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Bubbles sprays &quot;Flowers are pretty...dumb!&quot; on a wall]''
:'''Butch''': For a second there, I thought you were turning girly on us.
:'''Brick''': Yeah! And &quot;dum-buh&quot;?  Geez, Boomer, if you're gonna do graffiti, at least spell the words right!  Sheesh, talk about &quot;dum-buh&quot;.
:'''Butch''': Yeah! What a &quot;dum-bee&quot;!
:''[Brick and Butch laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': Hey, I thought you loved cock-a-roaches. Don't you love cock-a-roaches?
:'''Bubbles''': ''[forcing a smile]'' Well...sure. Sure I do. I love those little guys.
:'''Brick''': Hey, I believe you. That's why you have no problem...EATING IT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[after Bubbles captures the Rowdyruff Boys on her own]'' Bubbles! I could hardly contain myself hiding in the closet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[after Bubbles apologizes]'' That's alright, Bubbles. I'm sorry you had to eat a cockroach!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[who is still posing as Boomer]'' That's okay, it tasted like CHICKEN!

===''A Documentary/Girls Gone Mild'' [5.10]===
:'''Brian Larsen''': I'm Brian, and this is my documentary. And you're gonna find out firsthand just who those cute little crime-fighters are. So buckle up...this is gonna be a wild ride.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian Larsen''': Sugar...spice...and everything nice. Yep, those are pretty normal ingredients, all right. ''[[an electric mixer is applied to the stuff; it becomes mush]'' Mix 'em all together, and they pretty much make... ''[it's dumped out]'' ...mush. But to the city of Townsville, those three special ingredients together make a totally different result. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A school bus is stuck to the side of a building]''
:'''Brian Larsen''': Although this bus looks better than that corporate art, it's actually a reminder of another battle that took place here in Townsville. There are other reminders and countless monuments where three little girls saved this wonderful city. ''[Shows the Townsville Tribune with the headline &quot;PPGS SAVE THE DAY!&quot;]'' Their photos have graced newspapers and tabloids numerous times. ''[shows The Powerpuff Store]'' They have merchandising... ''[a TV screen with the show's title appears]'' ...and even their own TV show. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brian Larsen''': Ah, Mayor! Uh, hi. I'm shooting a documentary, and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
:''[Ms. Bellum steps to the doorway]''
:'''Mayor''': Look, I don't know nothin' about nothin'! ''[walking away as camera follows]'' You can't prove it, I wasn't there, I was young and I needed the money!
:'''Ms. Bellum''': ''[steps into the view near the camera]'' I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave.
:'''Brian Larsen''': Uh, just let me ask a few questions.
:'''Ms. Bellum''': Uh, this is an unannounced visit. ''[shoving camera]'' Security!
:'''Brian Larsen''': Don't touch the camera! ''[the front doors are swung shut]'' That really didn't get me anywhere. With my interview lacking any real information or substance, I decided to hit the streets again.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brian Larsen''': Having dealt with the positive side of the spectrum, I decided to find the people who knew them on a working level: their evil counterparts. ''[cut to  Princess Morbucks approaching her limousine with two beefy bodyguards]'' But this proved even more fleeting.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Sorry. No interviews!
:''[Cut to The Gangreen Gang who attack him, causing the camera view to shift erratically until he runs. Cut to a forest]''
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': ''[waving his shotgun]'' GET OFFA MY PROPERTY, DAGNABIT!
:'''Brian Larsen''': Yeah, but wait, I just want to...
:'''Fuzzy''': NO TRESPASSIN'! ''[swings the weapon; there is static]''
:''[Cut to the observatory]''
:'''Brian Larsen''': Mr. Mojo? Uh, hi. My name is Brian, and I'm making a documentary, and I'd like to talk with you...
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[over intercom, impatiently]'' Can't talk, planning evil scheme. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[An interview with an irritated man on the Powerpuff Girls]''
:'''Don Shank''': Yeah. I worked with them. They're about this big. ''[note: he is a real life animator on the show]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brian Larsen''': ''[nervously]'' I'm standing right in front of Mojo Jojo, and he seems to be looking right at me.
:''[Mojo jumps forward and captures him]''
:'''Mojo''': Not only do I have a hostage, I have a camera too! Hello! 
:'''Blossom''': What are you gonna do with him?
:'''Mojo''': Mmm...I might drop him.
:'''Bubbles''': You wouldn't dare! ''[flies forward to rescue him]'' Gotcha! Stay here, Mr. Man. ''[rejoins her sisters' fight against Mojo]''
:'''Brian Larsen''': Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow...oh, wow!
:''[They fight and defeat Mojo, then notice the camera]''
:'''Buttercup''': Hey, look! We're on camera!
:'''Bubbles''': Hi, Professor! 
:'''Brian Larsen''': ''[to his camera]'' Whoa! Can you believe that?! I mean, that was so awesome! I-I can't believe it, I mean, this is great! Never in all my days did I think I could get something like that! I-I realize now that it's not about what makes the girls tick; it's about the fact that once again the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls! Whoo!

===''Curses/Bang for Your Buck'' [5.11]===
:''[As Blossom continues reading and Buttercup waits impatiently with another block in hand, Bubbles floats along the balcony to the doorway. Her blank expression has not changed.]''
:'''Buttercup''': Hey, Bubbles. What’s for dinner?
:'''Blossom''': Hey, Bubbles... Bubbles? ''[Bubbles floats across the room, paying no heed, and stops near Buttercup and the tower of blocks]''
:'''Buttercup''': Hel-lo? Earth to Bubbles! Dinner? ''[cut to the coloring book on the floor. Octi hangs into view from above, still held by Bubbles; from offscreen]'' Bubbles? Bubbles! ''[Octi is dropped]'' Oh, I give up.
:''[The owner of said octopus descends into view and picks up a crayon to start in on her coloring again. She seems rather distracted, however, and the crayon breaks in her hand. Cut to her sisters; she rises from the ground.]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[suddenly angry]'' Stupid FUCKING crayon! ''[this outburst has drawn the attention of the other two in a hurry]'' That was my favorite color!
:''[Buttercup lets a block slip from her grasp, while Blossom forgets about her book altogether. Now Bubbles settles happily down to her work as her sisters approach during the next line.]''
:'''Bubbles''': Well, I guess my unicorn will have to be pink.
:'''Buttercup''': What was that you said?
:'''Blossom''': Where did you learn that word?
:'''Bubbles''': The Professor. I think it’s pretty.
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool.
:'''Blossom''': It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s gotta be an adjective. That’s used to lend emphasis to words. Like “great” or “fantastic.” ''[cut to her sisters; she continues offscreen]'' I’m guessing it can be used for good and bad things. ''[Bubbles and Buttercup smile at each other; back to her]'' Like, you can say “great,” “super-great,” or ”FUCKING great.” ''[more yowling from outside, mixed with a dog barking]''
:'''Bubbles''': Kitty?
:'''Buttercup''': FUCKIN' Cool!
:'''Bubbles &amp; Buttercup''': HELL, that makes sense.
:'''Blossom''': HELL, trust me. I know what I’m FUCKIN' talking about.
:'''Bubbles''': I FUCKING love it!
:'''Buttercup''': I wanna FUCKING try it! Hey, I FUCKING did it!
:'''Girls''': ''[in an instant, they are circling the ceiling light fixture]'' We love FUCK! It’s such a great word! We love SHIT! It’s such a great word! ''[jumping on bed]'' We love ASS! We love BITCH! ''[they collapse on the mattress in a giggling heap]''

===''Silent Treatment/Sweet 'n' Sour'' [5.12]===
:'''Bubbles''': Look! The bank's being held up by little baby animals. Isn't that sweet?
:'''Buttercup''': Watch out, they could be dangerous. I'll take of this! ''[Flies over to The Fluffy Bunch]''
:'''Blossom''': Wait! Buttercup! ''[Buttercup grabs Cuddly Bunny's arm as she shakes in fear]''
:'''Buttercup''': Hey! Where do you think you're going with Townsville's money?
:'''Cuddly Bunny''': Ow! You hurt me! ''[Puppy Wuppy and Fluffy Kitty cower in fear]''
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': Please! Have mercy!
:'''Lady 1''': Oh poor things!
:'''Man 1''': Did you see how she almost tore off his arm?
:'''Bank Manager''': I've never seen such unnecessary brutality in my life! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': I'm sorry. They have to learn their lesson. ''[they take the Fluffy Bunch into the air as the other people boo]''
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': ''[to Buttercup]'' Listen hear, you bug eyed creeps. We won't last one minute in that jail!
:'''Cuddly Bunny''': ''[to Bubbles]'' Yeah. Not with our... cute little faces.
:'''Fluffy Kitty''': ''[to Blossom]'' Yeah. So, why won't you do us all a favor and let us go now?
:'''Blossom''': No way! ''[the girls land near the Townsville Police Station]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[to the policeman]'' Here are the convicts we told you about.
:'''Policeman''': Hey there, little guys. This is a prison, not a pet shop. What am I supposed to do with them? ''[The Fluffy Bunch whimper and purr sadly and the policeman picks them up]'' Aw, come here, you little... ''[Laughs]'' Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': What a week. We sure have Townsville fooled.
:'''Cuddly Bunny''': Yeah. We stolen just about everything in sight.
:'''Fluffy Kitty''': I feel ya, though. I can't wait to get out of this place. All the hugging and cuddling and cute talking... is driving me crazy!
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': Don't worry. We'll be outta here in no time. ''[they see a new bank]'' Whoa! Look! A new bank! Let's hit it! 
:''[They burst in and see children of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten]''
:'''Little Girl''': Look! Cute fuzzy animals! Let's hug 'em!
:''[The children charge toward The Fluffy Bunch, who scream as they get crushed by the children]''
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': Ooh. Ow. Yow! Cut it out! Stop! Yow! That's hurt! OW!
:'''Cuddly Bunny''': OW OW OW. OOH No. OW. Watch the ears! My toe! Ow.
:'''Fluffy Kitty''': Ugh. Ow. Ugh. Aah! Meow. Ugh Ooh. Uh!
:''[Children run outside carrying The Fluffy Bunch]''
:'''Fluffy Kitty''': Help! Help!
:'''Cuddly Bunny''': Help! Help! Help!
:'''Puppy Wuppy''': HELP! HELP! HELP! 
:''[The walls of the National Bank fall down revealing Pokey Oaks Kindergarten in disguise]''
:'''Children of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten''': Yay! 
:'''The Fluffy Bunch''': ''[in unison]'' PLEASE HELP US! HELP! 
:'''Bubbles''': Well, do you think that was enough punishment for their crimes?
:'''Buttercup''': Definitely.
:'''Blossom''': Well, you know what they say, &quot;If you can't beat 'em, love 'em.&quot; ''[they laugh]''

==Season 6==
===''Prime Mates/Coupe D'Etat'' [6.1]===
:'''Narrator''': And so for the only time, the day is saved—thanks to the mopey, Mopey Popo!
:'''Mopey Popo''': Eat my jerky.

===''Makes Zen to Me/Say Uncle'' [6.2]===
:'''Buttercup''': Those jerks! It's not like how they say, I'm just doing my job! I'm just...Oh, Who am I kidding? They're right. I'm a mess. I need to change and I don't even know where to start.
:'''Monk''': At the beginning, Grasshopper.
:'''Buttercup''': What the? Who? I'm not a grasshopper!

===''Reeking Havoc/Live &amp; Let Dynamo'' [6.3]===

===''Mo' LinguishOops, I Did It Again'' [6.4]===
:'''Bubbles''': Mojo has managed to bring Townsville to a complete standstill by having all of the people speak in the most lengthy of questions and redundant answers! Thus, nothing can be asked or answered without the verbosity of words causing the city to come to a permanent and most painful halt. Furthermore...
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': Bubbles!

===''A Made Up Story'' [6.5]===

===''Little Miss Interprets/Night Mayor'' [6.6]===

===''Custody Battle/City of Nutsville'' [6.7]===
:'''Him''': ''I'' brought the boys back, so ''I'' am their father now!
:'''Mojo''': Incorrect! The Rowdyruff Boys were ''my'' idea, which means ''I'' was the original creator! Yes, it was I who originally created them, which means it was ''I'' whose creativity led to the origin of the idea which resulted in the creation of them! Therefore, the idea originated before the actual creating began, resulting in total origination of all creativity!
:'''Brick''': ''[scratching his head mockingly]'' Yeah...I didn't get that the first time. Can you repeat that? ''[The Boys laugh and high five each other again. Him laughs along with them]''
:'''Him''': I'm sorry, Mojo. But your creation was destroyed by the Powerpuff Girls. ''[demonic]'' '''And would probably still be destroyed''' ''[effeminate]'' if ''I'' didn't revive them! Besides, seeing how ''I'' made them better, they should ''[demonic]'' '''remain mine!'''
:'''Mojo''': Better?! How can you make Mojo Jojo's design of the Rowdyruff Boys any better?!
:'''Him''': ''[laughs, effeminate]'' By making them immune to the Powerpuff's girly kisses! Now they ''can't'' be destroyed by the mere talk of cooties! ''[demonic]'' '''So why don't you run along, chimp-chump?!'''
:'''Mojo''': ''[losing his temper]'' Those boys were created to do pure evil, which makes ''me'' the more fit father, since I ''am'' pure evil!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, I'm sorry! But nobody does evil ''[demonic]'' '''THE WAY I DO!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Behold! The TRCP-800.
:'''Boomer''': You mean &quot;Totally Rad City Pulverizer&quot;?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[gives Boomer an exasperated look]'' No, dum-dum. ''[Brick hits Boomer]'' &quot;The Remote-Control Pickle&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': You mean &quot;we&quot; can blow things up and stuff? 
:'''Mojo''': Mmm-hmm.
:'''Brick''': Anything?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Him prepares to blow up the sun, destroying the Earth in the process]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Splendidly evil, ''[demonic]'' '''isn't it?'''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Evil?! How about STUPID?! Yes, thanks to your foolishness, we will be reduced to nothing! Nothing! Like the amount of intelligence inside your head! Nothing! Like the amount of respect I get after ''6 SEASONS ON THIS SHOW''! ''[Him turns the sun back to normal]'' No, you are ''not'' the more evil parent! You are the more STUPID parent, which makes you unfit to be the father of these boys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The boys fly to Townsville as Mojo and Him begin to cry with joy]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': My...that's the evilest thing I can imagine.
:'''Him''': ''[sniffs; effeminate]'' All you can do is raise them the best you know how, and hope they turn out right.
:'''Mojo Jojo and Him''': ''[to each other in unison]'' I'm so proud of them!
:''[The two villains put an arm around each other]''
:'''Narrator''': And so, with Mojo and Him finally happy together, the day is doomed, thanks to...the Rowdyruff Boys.

===''Aspirations'' [6.8]===

===''That's Not My Baby/Simian Says'' [6.9]===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[after kidnapping the Narrator and taking his place]'' The city of Townsville. A city that, while being a city, is for some inexplicable reason called &quot;Town.&quot; And not only is it called a &quot;Town,&quot; but also a &quot;Ville,&quot; thus making it a city, town, and village, which seems to me to be redundant and repetitive, which can be quite annoying if you ask me, which you have no choice but to do, for now I, Mojo Jojo, am in charge of...the city of Townsville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': In the stomach or in the face?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': How about a third type of opinion?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Something feels not right.
:'''Bubbles''': We beat up Mojo...
:'''Buttercup''': And saved the day...
:'''Blossom''': But, what?
:''[They think for a moment; the sound of muffled cries is heard]''
:'''Bubbles''': Hey, girls! Look! ''[points to the door]''
:''[Blossom opens the door, and pulls off a piece of tape from the mouth of the narrator, who is offscreen]''
:'''Narrator''': OW! Oh, girls, thank goodness it's you! I can finally end this nightmare! So once again the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Buttercup''': I knew something was missing!
:'''Blossom''': Goodnight, folks!
:''[Long pause as the girls simply float on the ending titles screen]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[impatiently]'' Now what?
:'''Narrator''': Er...could I have a ride home?
:'''Bubbles''': Of course!

===''Sun Scream/City of Frownsville'' [6.10]===
:'''Narrator''': And the Powerpuff Girls are soaking it all up. At the beach!
:''[A considerable crowd is gathered around them; none pay any attention to the Professor]''
:'''Little Girl''': Can you really fly?
:'''Fat Lady''': Have you always been so cool?
:'''Little Boy''': Who are you gonna beat up next? 
:'''Professor''': ''[sits up; two young women look his way]'' Hey! Any questions for me? ''[chuckling]'' You know, I invented the Powerpuff Girls. ''[The pair give him an irritated glance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Girls, you forgot your sunscreen!
:'''Blossom''': Professor, were kinda in a hurry.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, we're cool.
:'''Buttercup''': And, uh, sunscreen is for nerds.
:'''Professor''': ''[slathering the sunscreen onto himself as the young women laugh at him]'' Oh, do you girls also wear sunscreen? Did you know that it was invented by a scientist?
:''[Pause; the women laugh some more]''
:'''Woman''': ''[points at the professor]'' Nerd! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[They're lying on their bed, still in swimsuits which is causing a [[w:sunburn|sunburn]]]''
:'''Bubbles''': It hurts so bad.
:'''Blossom''': The sunburn or the humiliation?
:'''Bubbles''': Both. ''[a tear falls; they all groan in pain]''
:'''Buttercup''': And the worst part is, there was nothing we could have done to prevent it.
:'''Bubbles''': Maybe we should get the Professor's, uh, help.
:'''Buttercup''': I don't need nobody's help, and I don't need nobody laughing at my sunburn!
:'''Blossom''':  ''[groaning]'' Buttercup's right. We have to maintain our professional image.
:'''Bubbles''': Well, then, how are we gonna fight crime?
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah. We can barely even move.
:'''Blossom''':  I think that we should have faith in the goodness of Townsville's citizens.

===''West in Pieces'' [6.11]===

===''Crazy Mixed Up Puffs/'Mizzen in Action'' [6.12]===

===''Roughing It Up/What's the Big Idea?'' [6.13]===

:'''Professor''': (after Fuzzy destroys his first experiment tree): Girls, we're here to relax, and that's just what we're going to do after we RIP THE LIMBS OFF THIS IGNORAMOUS!

===''Nuthin' Special/Neighbor Hood'' [6.14]===
:'''Buttercup''': Huh, forget it. I ain't got no special skills. I ain't special.
:'''Blossom''': Aw. Buttercup, you may not have a special power.
:'''Bubbles''': But you're still special.
:'''Buttercup''': But- ''[Turns around]'' But- but nothin'! I thought I had a special power, but I don't! I thought I was special, but I'm not, so there!
:''[Buttercup sticks her tongue out at her sisters and curls it; and Blossom looks shocked]''
:'''Bubbles''': What did you just do?
:'''Buttercup''': What? Stick my tongue out? You wanna see that again so you can copy that too? Well, here!
:''[She sticks her tongue out again and once again curls it]''
:'''Blossom''': You can...
:'''Bubbles''': Curl your tongue?
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah, so? What's the big deal? I've always been able to do that. See?
:''[She once again sticks her tongue out and curls it again]''

===''I See a Funny Cartoon in Your Future/Octi-Gone'' [6.15]===
:'''Narrator''': And with the first poke of the pin, the girls quickly got the point.
:'''Blossom''': ''[jabs the doll in its rear; in midair, and clutches that part of herself]'' Yow!
:''[The Buttercup doll gets the same treatment; the genuine article matches Blossom's response]''
:'''Buttercup''': Yowch!
:''[Now the same things happen to the Bubbles doll and Bubbles herself]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[singed]'' Oh! In my tailbone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Yes?
:'''Caterer''': ''[sniffling]'' Townsville Quality Discount Catering.
:'''Professor''': Oh, yes. Come in.
:''[Blossom and Buttercup are wearing party dresses that look very much like their everyday clothing]''
:'''Blossom''': Wow! What's all this?
:'''Professor''': It's what we're gonna be serving at tonight's party, girls.
:'''Caterer''': Totally, and on the menu we got, like, non-alcoholic sparkling chilled apple juice, black-eyed peas, baked ham, fried calamari, bacon-bit salad, and for dessert my very own creation: banana cream pie. ''[gives a double thumbs-up]'' It's wicked awesome, bro. ''[laughs; pulls back, holds up a clipboard]'' Please sign here.
:'''Professor''': ''[signs his name]'' Thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Oh boy, oh boy, oh, boy! I sure do love parties. Don't you, girls?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[indignant]'' No, 'cause I have to wear this stupid girly party dress and I look like a dork!
:'''Professor''': Oh, honey, you both look adora... ''[noticed Bubbles isn't here]'' Hey, where's Bubbles?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[very snarky]'' She's probably upstairs combing her hair, so she'll be the ''[as in high pitch]'' &quot;prettiest girl at the party.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': Oh, Octi! ''[Zoom in slowly; her tears give way to furious]''...I'm going to find whoever did this to you, and they will pay!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''NO! NO ONE LEAVES!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[Pull back quickly through the living room; everyone stares dumbfounded at her. The Professor cocks an eyebrow in shock. Back to the door]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''UNTIL THE PERSON WHO TOOK OCTI FESSES UP!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[Cut to a group of four guests as they trade a bewildered look, then back to her. She puts a hand on the light switch]'' When I count to 5, I'm going to turn off these lights. And when I turn them back on, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I WANT MY OCTI BACK!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Bubbles, what are you talking about?
:'''Bubbles''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''QUIET!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 1, 2, ''[Her perspective, panning across the group]'' 3, 4, ''[Long shot of her]'' 5! ''[She flips the switch, and the view snaps to black]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[over phone]'' I have your Octi doll. And if you ever want to see him alive again, you'll meet my demands! ''[Bubbles screams]'' I want 1,000 gallons of Chemical X, or your precious little Octi...dies.
:'''Professor''': ''[panicked]'' What? What do they want?
:'''Bubbles''': He has Octi! ''[everyone gasps]'' He wants 1,000 gallons of Chemical X! ''[a second round of gasps]'' Or he'll kill him! ''[a third round of gasps]'' Please, Professor! Please do what he says!
:'''Professor''': ''[softly]'' No. ''[A fourth round of gasps]''
:'''Bubbles''': But why?
:'''Professor''': Because... I killed Octi! ''[A fifth round of gasps]''
:'''Bubbles''': But why? I can understand Buttercup, because she's so mean...
:'''Buttercup''': ''[angry after what Bubbles said, Blossom smiles at her]'' Hey! 
:'''Bubbles''': ...and Blossom, because she's so bossy.
:'''Blossom''': ''[angry after what Bubbles said, Buttercup smiles at her]'' Hey! 
:'''Bubbles''': And Ms. Keane, because she wants me to pay attention.
:'''Ms. Keane''': Hey! ''[shocked]'' Oh, no, that's right.
:'''Bubbles''': And the Mayor because he's a big baby!
:'''Mayor''': I am not a baby! ''[blows a raspberry]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[hanging her head]'' But you. I never thought you would do anything to hurt me. Why didn't you tell me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': And, well, that's what happened.
:'''Bubbles''': So...do you have him?
:'''Professor''': ''[pulling Octi out of his jacket]'' Of course I have him. 
:''[The Mayor gasps]''
:'''Ms. Bellum''': Mayor, we're done gasping.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[holding tentacle out to Professor]'' Can you fix him?
:'''Professor''': Of course I can.''[he tries]'' Oh, it doesn't fit!
:'''Bubbles''': That's because you've got the leg in backwards. ''[she turns it]'' Now try it. ''[he succeeds; she smiles and hugs Octi]'' Yippee! Oh, Octi, I'll never let you out of my sight again, ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines of the series. Everyone, including Bubbles, Blossom, and Buttercup angrily wait outside the bathroom door for Mojo]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''MOJO!'' You get out of there right now! You're nothing but a big party pooper!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[moaning from contaminated banana cream pie he ate]'' Oh, how did you know?
:''[The toilet is flushed]''
:'''Narrator''': And so once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls and the contaminated cream pie.

==Movies and specials==

=== ''The Powerpuff Girls Movie'' ===
{{main|The Powerpuff Girls Movie}}

==='' 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas''===
:'''Bubbles''': ''[from offscreen, to &quot;Deck the Halls&quot;]'' Christmas time is in a few days, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ''[As she continues, the camera reaches her taping up the sleigh picture and pulls back]'' Santa'll give me lots of toys, yay, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 
:'''Buttercup''': Bubbles! I'm trying to concentrate!
:'''Bubbles''': I'm only trying to spread some Christmas cheer. ''[She floats down as Blossom walks over to them with a small gingerbread house in hand]''
:'''Buttercup''': Well, can it. I'm busy. 
:'''Blossom''': Doing what?
:'''Buttercup''': Writing my wish list for Santa.
:'''Bubbles''': Are you crazy? You're only giving him two days to prepare - and that's even if he gets it on time!
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah? When did you send yours, smarty-pants?
:'''Bubbles''': December 26.
:'''Buttercup''': Hah, that's after Christmas.
:'''Bubbles''': December 26, last year. ''[She blows a raspberry]''
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, no! What if I don't get my official Red Raider carbine-action two-hundred-shot range-model air rifle?
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[offscreen]'' Hah! Who would want a stupid old BB gun? 
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[gasp] Princess!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Besides, you'll shoot your eye out. Since my daddy buys me anything I want, I only have one thing on my list for Santa: to be a Powerpuff Girl!
:'''Blossom''': Don't hold your breath, Princess.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': What?! Why?!
:'''Bubbles''': Because Santa has his own list, and he checks it twice. It says who's naughty and who's nice.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': So?
:'''Bubbles''': Duh, you're naughty. 
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[gasps]'' Nuh-uh!
:'''Blossom''': Yeah-huh.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Nuh-uh!
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah-huh.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Nuh-uh!
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah-huh!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Prove it! 
:'''Blossom''': You bought the city and legalized crime.
:'''Buttercup''': You hired Mojo to try and destroy us.
:'''Bubbles''': You gave us a bomb for our birthday!
:'''Buttercup''': You teamed up with three felons and went on a crime spree.
:'''Bubbles''': You tricked our friend Robin into stealing and then you tattled on her!
:'''Blossom''': You're a spoiled brat who's greedy and jealous. And you don't care who you step on to get what you want.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': And your point is?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Spoiled? Greedy? Bratty? Naughty? ''[enraged]'' NAUGHTY?! Driver! Do you know what those rotten awful Powerpuffs said to me today?! They said I was naughty! Can you believe that?
:'''Driver''': ''[coughs]'' Yes. 
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Me?! Naughty? I'm not naughty, am I?
:'''Driver''': Well, uh, I'll... oops, seems my finger has slipped. ''[closes the window]'' Phew, that was close.
:''[The phone rings]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[on the phone] WELL?! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!''
:'''Driver''': KKKKKHHHH! You're-you're-you're breaking up! KKKKKHHH-KKKKKKKKHHHHH! I'm going through a-unnel! -Alk-late-
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[bangs on the window and sticks her head out from the limousine]'' No, we're not! I'm in the car, you twit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later that night, Princess is tucked in her bed]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Nanny!
:'''Nanny''': Yes, sweetheart?
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Am I naughty?
:'''Nanny''': Time for bed. Lights out. ''[runs off and the lights go out as the door to the hall slams]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Wait! I need another pillow! ''[pause; silence]'' Fine! I'll just go get it myself! ''[gets up from her bed to get another pillow and gets crushed by a bunch of coal]'' Naughty, huh? I'll show you who's naughty! ''[throws a piece of coal; later suited up in burglary outfit; kicking a piece of coal along herself while walking down the hallway]'' And all these years, I thought that coal in my stocking came from Daddy's coal mine! ''[follows coal down a staircase]'' Who does that blimp think he is, denying ''me'' presents?! Well, this time, I am gonna be a Powerpuff Girl! And I'm sure not gonna let some elf with a weight problem stop me! ''[gets into a cart driven by her driver]'' Well, I'll show him, and I'll show those Powerpukes who's naughty and who's nice! ''[gets off the cart and boards her private plane]''
:'''Narrator''': She entered her jet, to her man gave a yell, And away Princess went, with a plot, I can tell.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': To the North Pole! And step on it! ''[slams the hatch shut and the plane takes off]''
:'''Narrator''': And left no one aware of the web she would weave, not even the girls, preparing for Christmas Eve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''':  Every year, it's the same darn thing. I can make three little kids out of seasoning, but I can't get these lights to work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': And beyond the boundaries of this particular town, More hoping and wishing can be found all around. ''[A mail truck picks up Christmas letters from across various countries]'' The whole world's fallen under the Santa Claus spell. And on this eve of all eves, their hearts start to swell. From [[w:Paraguay|Paraguay]] to [[w:Paris|Paree]], from [[w:Tucson|Tucson]], to [[w:Timbuktu|Timbuktu]], The world's children are hoping their dreams will come true. But these dreams are about to be foiled...''[Princess' plane is in flight]'' By an evil young girl who's nothing but spoiled.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Now, if I were a big, fat, bearded oaf, where would I keep a stupid list? ''[Finds Santa's nice list]'' &quot;Nice. Agatha Aarons, Arnold Adams...&quot; ''[mumbles]'' &quot;Bubbles, Blossom, Buttercup&quot;? ''[more mumbling]'' &quot;Mitch Mitchelson&quot;? You gotta be kidding me. ''[more mumbling]'' &quot;Zachary Zimmerman.&quot; Where's my name? ''[finds a sticky note that bears the word &quot;NAUGHTY&quot; above a single name: hers. She gasps]'' &quot;Naughty. Princess Morbucks.&quot; ''[She uses a pencil to edit the list and escape]''
:'''Narrator''': She spoke not a word; she had finished her work, And took leave of her lie with a satisfied smirk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, three children we know are heading to bed...''[Dissolve to a slow pan across the bed. Buttercup and Blossom are asleep, and Bubbles turns off the lights and sits awake with Octi. Light from the hall shines over her]'' With thoughts of the morning and what lies ahead. ''[Silence. Dissolve to an overhead shot of the bed; she closes her eyes after a moment. Another such transition shifts the view to just over the balcony railing, the camera pointing at the bedroom door; turn down to the tree. The lights are back on]'' The girls drift off to sleep, their hopes at their heights, ''[The Professor keeps fiddling with the electrical cords]'' While their dad is downstairs, still working on the lights. ''[Fade to black. Fade in to a long shot of Morbucks Manor]'' But there's yet one more little girl filled with anticipation, ''[Dissolve to a pan along the trophy room, where the fireplace blazes]'' Not for worldwide rejoicing, but her plot's activation. ''[Stop on Princess, standing before the fire, and zoom in. She is back in her street clothes. Dissolve to a close-up; she is shoveling in coal from a pile behind her]'' An evil gleam in her eye, this little redhead is the sole one aware there is something to dread. ''[Cut to inside the fireplace; Princess looks over the flames and smiles evilly from ear to ear, knowing what is to come thanks to her malicious sabotage of Santa's lists. Now she approaches a window and looks out over the city]'' She knows that these fools, content in their sleep, Will, because of her, awaken and weep. ''[Her smile has become a [[w:Alice in Wonderland|Cheshire Cat]] grin]'' For tomorrow, the world is in for a big huge surprise...''[Dissolve twice to longer shots of the window and the manor]'' Not candy and presents, but Christmas' demise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': WAKE UP! ''[flying around, trying to rouse them]'' Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up! ''[They do so]''
:'''Buttercup''': Yay! Presents! Let's go, baby!
:'''Bubbles''': No!
:'''Blossom''': Whoo-hoo! ''[They charge out past Bubbles]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[poking her head out]'' But wait!
:''[They pay no heed and go right for the stairs. Cut to the top of the tree, with Blossom flying tight circles around it and descending slowly; turn down to follow her. Buttercup is already eyeing the bare space under it with considerable disgust]''
:'''Buttercup''': What the heck? ''[Blossom reaches her]''
:'''Blossom''': Santa hasn't even been here yet! ''[Bubbles comes partway down]''
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah-huh. I heard reindeer on the roof. ''[The others float up to her]'
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah? Then where are all the presents?
:'''Bubbles''': That's what I've been trying to tell you! '''''THERE ARE NO PRESENTS!'''''
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': What?!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[rapidly]'' Listen, okay, okay. Me and Octi were dancing with pirates in a pond, when a man in a gorilla suit started yelling. So I woke up, and then I heard Santa on the roof. And I tried to wake you up, but I couldn't, 'cause you wouldn't wake up. So I went down the hallway, and the Professor was snoring so I came downstairs to see what Santa left even though I know I'm not supposed to. But there weren't any presents under the tree, just ornaments hanging! Like that cute little shoveling-snowman one, which is really my favorite because it's funny that a snowman would be shoveling snow, when he's made of snow. So then I looked in my stocking, but there wasn't candy. Instead, there was coal! Can you believe it? Coal! In my stocking! Which is just ridiculous, 'cause why would Santa give me coal? So I looked in your stockings, and there was coal there too! So I looked next door, and they didn't have any gifts either! Only coal in their stockings, and all the other kids on the block!--
:'''Blossom''': ''[To Bubbles, angry]'' You went through other kids' stockings?!
:'''Bubbles''': No! I saw through the houses. Duh! X-ray vision!
:'''Blossom''': Bubbles, you should know better.
:'''Buttercup''': No wonder you got coal in your stocking.
:''[They turn away and consider the matter closed, but Bubbles will not let it rest]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[growled]'' I already had coal in my stocking before I looked at the other kids' stockings!
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, really? Then why don't me and Blossom have coal in our stockings?
:'''Bubbles''': You do!
:''[It finally hits them like a two-by-four to the back of the head]''
:'''Blossom''': Me? ''[Bubbles nods sadly]''
:'''Buttercup''': You gotta be kidding. ''[A shake of the head]''
:'''Blossom''': Really? ''[Nod]''
:'''Buttercup''': Nuh-uh.
:''[Bubbles can barely bring herself to meet her sisters' eyes this time. After a moment, she nods again and they gasp, shivering with fright]''
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup I can understand, but...me?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[incensed]'' Hey!
:''[Cut to the stockings. Bubbles flies over, plucks down Blossom's, and dumps the coal out. It lands at her sisters' feet; they both gasp at the sight]''
:'''Bubbles''': See?
:'''Blossom''': This can't be right.
:'''Buttercup''': Um...yeah!
:''[Cut to the patio. Bubbles floats into view behind the sliding doors]''
:'''Bubbles''': It-it was a mistake. ''[Back to her inside]'' He must not have checked his list twice like he's supposed to. ''[She shrugs]''
:'''Blossom''': We better find Santa and set this straight. ''[as they assemble into a line]'' Ho...
:'''Bubbles''': ...ho...
:'''Buttercup''': ...ho!
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello, Powerpuffs! ''[Pull back and up to put her toes in the foreground]'' I've come to deliver you your Christmas present: A fourth and more powerful member of your team!
:''[Cut to her; she floats down toward them and is in her yellow Powerpuff-style outfit]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Me! Princess! 
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[They shake themselves clean]'' What?!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': That's right! You can't deny me any longer! Santa realized that I was the only truly nice kid in the whole world and that you were naughty for not giving me what I want! So, now every kid in the world gets coal! And I get what I've always deserved: To be a Powerpuff Girl!
:''[She fires lasers from her eyes]''
:'''Buttercup''': This is so wrong! 
:'''Blossom''': How could Santa believe that Princess is nice?!
:'''Bubbles''': Excuse me? How could Santa believe that I am naughty?
:'''Buttercup''': 'Cause you snooped on other people's presents!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[She gives her a hard sidelong glance of tranquil fury and takes a second or two to get herself under control from potentially ripping her sister to pieces for forgetting what she already told them several times before back in their house]'' Look. I already told you, I only looked 'cause we didn't have any presents, so I wanted to see if any other kids had any presents.
:'''Blossom''': Enough chatter, girls. We better find Santa and fast.
:''[They start to take off into the night, but Princess blocks their exit]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Oh, no, you don't. ''[Zoom in slowly on her]'' I knew you conceited little ingrates wouldn't be able to accept the fact that Santa thinks you're naughty. ''[On the end of this, cut to Blossom and Buttercup trading a suspicious look - they are starting to figure out the scam. Princess Morbucks moves in a bit closer to the girls] ''But I'm not gonna let you brats ruin my Christmas.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[moving in on her]'' Forget it, Princess. We're so gonna tell Santa on you!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[sweetly, flying away a short distance]'' Not if I tell on you first. ''[As she leaves a yellow light trail behind her]''
:'''Bubbles''': We didn't do anything.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Oh, yeah? ''[pitifully, hamming it up]'' Oh, Santa Claus, as the only nice child in the whole world, I felt it was my duty to warn you about the three naughty girls who were so angry you gave them coal...''[Cut to them, bristling at this; she continues offscreen]''...that they're coming to destroy your workshop and ruin Christmas forever. ''[Back to her; she takes on the sweet tone again]'' Oh, Santa...''[She gives them her biggest and most vicious grin, drops to a rooftop, and bounces off it to head for the city proper, her laughter echoing in the air. Powerpuff girls charge after her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Buttercup kicks Princess far away towards her destination]''
:'''Buttercup''': I SAID QUIT IT!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Thanks, Einstein.
:'''Blossom''': ''[sarcastically]'' Good job, Buttercup.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, nice one.
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, shut up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Santa''': ''[angrily]'' Ho ho ho! ''[Shift to frame all five]'' What's with all the crashing and the smashing, and the smashing and the crashing?! Huh?! I'm out delivering coal all night long, and I come home to the Smashing-and-Crashing Gang?!
:''[Turn down from him to them on the end of this. He is still in view]''
:'''Bubbles''': But...
:'''Santa''': Uh-uh! No buts! I ain't listenin' to no buts from some no-good naughty kids! And no no-good little naughty kids are gonna tell me what's what! ''[During this line, cut back and forth from him to them twice - he points at them - and back to him at the end of it]'' 'Cause guess what? ''[Cut to the four; they blink up at him in silent fear, from offscreen]'' ANSWER ME!!!
:''[The four cringe at Santa's screaming]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... ''[Pull back behind him]''
:'''Santa''': That's right! First time, first time it's ever happened. ''[walking to his computer]'' Every last little no-good, good-for-nothin' kid in the stinkin' world was naughty! ''[On the end of this line, cut to just inside the computer room, putting him o.c. The girls walk in hesitantly. From offscreen, voice breaking]'' Naughty! Naughty! Naughty little kids the world over! ''[Princess peeks in; pull back to frame him]'' Except for one. One nice sweet little girl.
:'''Buttercup''': You're wrong!
:'''Santa''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, I am, huh?! ''[turning to them, holding printout]'' Well, I's gots the list, baby. ''[Close-up of it as he slams it to the floor, across from the girls and Princess. From offscreen]'' Check it! 
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[She perches atop the stack and puts her hands on her hips as Santa already has his arms crossed and looking stern]'' Yeah! Check it! ''[She kicks it over, sending a cascade of pages unfolding from the accordion stack toward the girls to bury them. They pop out, inspect different sections, and gasp at what they find: Remember, this is the &quot;nice&quot; list that was falsified]''
:'''Santa''': Yeah! A million bazillion good-for-nothin's on this list! ''[holding up Post-It from his monitor]'' And one little itty bitty, perfect little angel over here.
:''[Close-up of a beaming Princess on the end of this. She is still in midair, at the point from which she kicked over the list]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[sticking her tongue out]'' Nyah! ''[Back to the girls]''
:'''Bubbles''': That's not right! ''[She flies up to Santa]'' Maybe you didn't check the list twice! ''[Pan left; Buttercup flies up behind him]''
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah! Princess is the naughtiest kid ever! ''[Pan right; Blossom joins them]''
:'''Blossom''': She must've snuck up here and switched the lists! '[[Princess gets into the act]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': NUH-UH! Santa, don't listen to them! They're just jealous 'cause they got coal. ''[Powerpuff girls staring at her in angry]'' They're jealous 'cause I'm nicer, I'm smarter, and I'm prettier, and I'm better than them - so they wouldn't let me be a Powerpuff Girl. ''[fiercely; he cowers again]'' That makes them naughty!
:'''Santa''': ''[smiling]'' You mean, the Powerpuff Girls? ''[Cut to her, face going slack as she realizes she just spoke the wrong words and ruined her plan; he walks by beneath her]'' Not the same Powerpuff Girls who are always helping people and saving the day and being really good? ''[He stops before the girls]'' I mean, really good? ''[Powerpuff Girls nod happily at his appraisal of their work]'' Yeah, yeah. See, that explains all the flying and floating and stuff.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': AHEM! BUT I SHOULD BE A POWERPUFF GIRL! ME! Not them! Me! MY DADDY SAYS I'M BETTER! MY DADDY SAYS I'M THE BEST! AND IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A FATHEADED FATHEAD TO SEE THAT, I'LL TELL MY DADDY! AND HE'LL COME AND BUILD A PARKING LOT OUTTA THIS CHEAP... LITTLE... ''[She kicks and breaks toys]'' ARTS AND CRAFTS... POPSICLE STAND OF YOURS! GET IT?! SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME WHATEVER I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, 'CAUSE MY DADDY SAYS I GET WHATEVER I WANT! WHENEVER I WANT IT! AND IF THAT MEANS ALL OF THOSE LOUSY, WORTHLESS, SECOND RATE BARGAIN BASEMENT BRATS OF THE WORLD DON'T GET ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, THEN THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE! 'CAUSE I AM BETTER THAN THEM! AND IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE! ''[She grabs a note and puts it up to Santa's face]'' SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, SANTA CLOD!
:''[His mouth hangs full open at this display of unbridled avarice, combined with a total lack of emotional control; the girls are similarly dumbstruck. As the seconds tick by, silently and tensely, Princess floats between him and the girls; close-up of her, smirking at them with a confidence born from her belief that she has beaten the system once and for all. Santa gapes up at her, but that smirk never wavers. After nearly fifteen seconds of stillness, his eyebrows lower in determination and he grits his teeth. He has made up his mind at last]''
:'''Santa Claus''': LIST SCHMIST! ''[grabbing Post-It, tearing it up]'' I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' LIST TELLIN' ME WHO'S NAUGHTY AND WHO'S NICE! YA KNOW WHY?! 'CAUSE I'M SANTA CLAUS! ''[throwing down arms]'' CHECK IT! PRINCESS... ''[He grabs Princess Morbucks' ear, then hauls her across the office as he continues. She yelps in pain under his words]'' YOU HAVE GONE AND WORKED OFF MY LAST NERVE! ''[He releases his grip and leaves her floating in midair. Close-up of her; she cries out a bit more and rubs her ear. Pull back to show him looking up at her with no sympathy whatsoever. Crossing room]'' I have no other choice. You are so rotten, SO despicable, so naughty, ''[turning around]'' I'm putting you on the... ''[Pull back to show him standing by a large red-framed sheet of bronze on the wall - so tall that its upper portion is out of view. He points his arm up to it]'' '''&lt;big&gt;PERMANENT NAUGHTY PLAQUE!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[Turn up to the top as he speaks. The word &quot;NAUGHTY&quot; is inscribed in enormous red letters with the letter y on the end of it's shaped devil's tail , with four names below it: Bill McCracken, Ryan Faust, Adolph Schickelgruber, Stephen Fonti. The upper edge of the frame is carved in the shape of a devil's head. Imitating dramatic horns]'' Bum-bum-BUMMMMMMMM!
:''[Princess Morbucks gasps in unmitigated fear, knowing that justice is about to be served. Extreme close-up of Santa's lifted index finger and follow it slowly through the air as he brings it to his nose. He touches the tip; a flash of snowflakes, and Princess' name is now cut into the metal as well, signifiying her permanent naughty status for the rest of her life]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[screaming in horrorified]'' YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'M TELLING MY DADDY! ''[She takes off and smashes an exit for herself through the office wall. Visible only as a bright speck, she makes a beeline for the distant mountains. Santa and the girls move closer to the hole to watch her go. He turns to them, holds up his finger without a word, and touches it to his nose. Cut to the fleeing Princess who, in a flash, suddenly finds herself back in her street clothes. She soars along a few hundred yards more before realizing that she has been stripped of her powers, then loses her forward momentum and drops from sight with a sharp gasp. Screaming, she plummets toward the snowy expanse and plows deep into it. A second later, she slowly emerges from the hole, with snow covering her from head to toe, and forces her eyes open through the covering. Pull back into the office; she cannot be seen from this far away]'' NO FAIR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Then at last they were done - whew! - just before dawn. So they sped back to Townsville, to home with a yawn. ''[Weaving back and forth due to fatigue, they fly in through the bedroom windows. Cut to a pan across the room; they float in, yawning and rubbing their eyes, and head straight for bed]'' They entered their room, for the wear no less worn, ''[Buttercup pulls up the blankets, and all three are instantly asleep]'' And snuggled into bed to await Christmas morn.
:''[Cut to a point near the ceiling. The Professor bounces into view, accompanied by the creaking of bedsprings]''
:'''Professor''': ''[excitedly, on separate bounces]'' Girls! Wake up! Wake up! ''[Pull back; he is jumping on their bed, annoying them]'' It's Christmas! It's Christmas! ''[He stops jumping and bends down, laughing]'' He came! Santa came! ''[Close-up of them. From offscreen]'' Come on, come on! Let's go open the presents, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go! ''[Back to him]'' I think somebody might have gotten that new atom splitter they've been eyeing! ''[He moans eagerly, clasps his hands together hard enough to make them quiver and chews his lip in anticipation. Next he starts jumping on the bed again]'' Come on, come on, come on, come on! ''[He giggles. Finally he gets a response. On the next three lines, each sits up with her eyes still shut tight]''
:'''Bubbles''': Professor, it's too early!
:'''Blossom''': We'll open presents later.
:'''Buttercup''': Go back to bed!
:''[They lie down again; he sits at the corner of the bed, his head hanging, then shuffles disappointedly out of the room and pulls the door shut. The girls sleep peacefully for a moment before waking up in time with the following lines]''
:'''Bubbles''': Wait a minute.
:'''Blossom''': What are we saying?
:'''Buttercup''': Who cares if we're tired?
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': It's Christmas! ''[Cut to the balcony. The Professor clumps along toward his own room and stops when he gets halfway there. Without warning, the girls streak past, jolting him out of his deep blue funk]'' Presents!
:''[He breaks into a huge smile and runs toward the stairs. Cut to just outside the lighted living room window; happy chatter is heard from inside, mixed with the sound of wrapping paper being torn off boxes. Pull back slowly to frame the entire house, with all its windows now illuminated, and stop on Santa at the curb. Fully suited up, he looks toward the family and then tips a wink to the camera. A touch of his nose, and the background for the end shot comes up in a flash]''
:'''Narrator''': Now all the nice kids of the world won't get stiffed. They'll look on with pure joy at every wrapped gift. So paper's torn open and ribbon unfurls, 'Cause Christmas was saved...thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!

==Recurring Quotes==
:'''Narrator''': ''[Title Sequence Narration]'' Sugar... spice... and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...Chemical X!- Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born! Using their ultra-superpowers, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup have dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil!

==Voice Cast==
* Blossom - [[w:Cathy Cavadini|Cathy Cavadini]]
* Bubbles - [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]
* Buttercup - [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]]
* Bunny - [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]]
* Professor Utonium - [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]]
* Mayor, Narrator - [[Tom Kenny]]

==See also==
* ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]] (2016)''

{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Powerpuff Girls, The}}
[[Category:The Powerpuff Girls]]
[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Superhero comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about sisters]]
[[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Osmosis Jones</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>10785</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607061</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:36:08Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>173.212.50.148</ip>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="10665" sha1="8qvj4tfrm1ff637bmrd57wu23jqhklo" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Osmosis Jones|Osmosis Jones]]'''''  is a 2001 live-action/animated film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell who takes on a killer virus.
:''Directed by [[w:Bobby Farrelly|Bobby Farrelly]] and [[w:Peter Farrelly|Peter Farrelly]]. Written by [[w:Marc Hyman|Marc Hyman]].''
{{center|'''He's one cell of a guy.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Chief''': JONES! IN MY OFFICE!
:'''Osmosis''': ''[enters his boss' office]'' Chiefy-weefy, what's up?
:'''Chief''': Don't &quot;chiefy-weefy&quot; me! Have you seen the headlines? The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try that tae-bo workout!
:'''Osmosis''': Hold on a second...
:'''Chief''': ''[leaning closer to Jones]'' I told you to stay put. I told you to wait for backup! But once again, you had to do it your own way!
:'''Osmosis''': Man, I was right there! I couldn't done it...
:'''Chief''': Right! 78 trillion cells in the body all working together...you're the only one who thinks he can do it alone! You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
:'''Leah''': Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
:'''Osmosis''': Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
:'''Leah''': Oh, really? 'Cause to me, you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.
:'''Osmosis''': ''[drops his disguise]'' Ooh, who cut the power? Yo, somebody turn the heat up! It's ''cold'' in here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leah''': ''[on a recently ingested cold pill]'' Whoa, this is huge.
:'''Osmosis''': Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.
:'''Leah''': Yeah, and 99% of you is just ''stupid''.
:'''Osmosis''': Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': So, where you from, tough stuff?
:'''Drix''': I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
:'''Osmosis''': Great, got me a college boy...
:'''Drix''': Where did you study?
:'''Osmosis''': Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive tract, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
:'''Drix''': Oh...
:'''Osmosis''': I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
:'''Drix''': Oh?
:'''Osmosis''': No, it was ''in'' the crack. ''[Drix whimpers]'' Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
:'''Drix''': OK, I get it. You were poor.
:'''Osmosis''': You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
:'''Drix''': OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
:'''Osmosis''': Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
:'''Drix''': Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
:'''Osmosis''': Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
:'''Drix''': NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Deleted scene]''
:'''Drix''': The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve-hour time-release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
:'''Osmosis''': Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
:'''Drix''': Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
:'''Osmosis''': Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
:'''Drix''': ''[sees Frank clean his tongue]'' Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.
:'''Osmosis''': Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
:'''Drix''': Take me to the nose!
:'''Osmosis''': Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
:'''Drix''': You ''are'' a bad cop.
:'''Osmosis''': Yo, who ya calling &quot;bad cop&quot;?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scabies''': Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?
:'''Joe Cramp''': Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.
:'''Scabies''': Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.
:'''Thrax''': ''[strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]'' So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
:'''Bruiser''': Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!
:'''Thrax''': I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
:'''Scabies''': Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
:'''Thrax''': Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
:'''Scabies''': Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh? ''[he and his thugs laugh]''
:'''Thrax''': ''[angrily]'' ...''Ebola''? ''[shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp]'' Let me tell you about Ebola, baby: Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
:'''Scabies''': All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
:'''Thrax''': Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
:'''Chill''': You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': You can probably guess which photo made it to the front page of the paper the next day. Overnight, Frank became the town laughingstock. The photo got picked up and ran in every daily across the country, he even got fired from his job at the pea soup factory. Lucky for us, our old friend, Bob, hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo. It was a 90% cut in pay, but it was the best we could do. Needless to say, none of this helped Shane. And as for me, I got suspended for unnecessary force. Since then, as the days've gone by I've been wonderin': &quot;Did I do the right thing?&quot;
:'''Drix''': Y'know, Jones, I think you did. Oysters are a breeding-ground for all kinds of pathogens!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drix''': My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
:'''Osmosis Jones''': You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': In the words of the immortal [[w:James Brown|James Brown]]: GET DOWN!
:'''Drix''': James ''who''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thrax''': And who are you?
:'''Osmosis''': Who am I? Who am ''I''? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am!
:'''Thrax''': I never heard of you.
:'''Osmosis''': That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drix''': Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
:'''Osmosis Jones''': Yo, [[w:MC Hammer|Hammer]]! You can stop dancing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Germ Sidekick 1''': But boss, there's on'y us left. Think we should; – incubate, a little?
:'''Thrax''': You incubate! Ah said 48 hours, an' Ah'm gonna make my deadline. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shane''': I'm not going.
:'''Frank''': You're not going where, hon?
:'''Shane''': To Buffalo. I'm not going.
:'''Frank''': Honey, I'm - we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.
:'''Shane''': I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.
:'''Frank''': Well, I don't think-
:'''Shane''': I'd really like you to come.
:'''Frank''': No. No, no. No, no, no, I - You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll - I know I can get Uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. ''[lies down on couch]'' 
:'''Shane''': ''[angry]'' I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
:'''Frank''': I think about you all the time.
:'''Shane''': Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
:'''Shane''': You know, Dad, maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
:'''Frank''': Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... ''[Shane sits next to him]'' your mom died...because she got sick.
:'''Shane''': And how do you think you get sick?
:'''Frank''': Germs.
:'''Shane''': It's the way you eat. ''[rolls her eyes and sighs angrily; leaves room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Osmosis''': Goodbye, Drips. 
:'''Drix''': That's Drix. 
:'''Osmosis''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dispatcher''': ''[over radio]'' Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
:'''Osmosis''': What the heck is a u-va-la?
:'''Drix''': It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's-
:'''Osmosis''': ''[interrupting]'' Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
:'''Drix''': Not ''that'' little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
:''[Pause]''
:'''Osmosis''': I knew that. I knew that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thrax''': ''[last words]'' Too bad you won't be around to see me finish off Frank's little girl. 
:'''Osmosis''': She's not goin' down; you are!

==Taglines==
* He's one cell of a guy
* Everybody needs a hero

==Cast==
===Voices===
* [[Chris Rock]] — Osmosis &quot;Ozzy&quot; Jones
* [[w:Laurence Fishburne|Laurence Fishburne]] — Thrax
* [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] — Drixenol &quot;Drix&quot; Koldreliff
* [[Brandy Norwood]] — Leah Estrogen
* [[William Shatner]] — Mayor Phlegmming
* [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]] — Tom Colonic

===Live-action===
* [[Bill Murray]] — Frank DeTorre
* Elena Franklin — Shane DeTorre
* [[Molly Shannon]] — Mrs. Boyd
* [[w:Chris Elliott|Chris Elliott]] — Bob DeTorre

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0181739|title=Osmosis Jones}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|id=osmosis_jones|title=Osmosis Jones}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Films set in Rhode Island]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films directed by the Farrelly brothers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Courage the Cowardly Dog</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>11261</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607264</id>
      <parentid>3600829</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T22:54:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Gods Must Be Goosey [1.8b] */</comment>
      <origin>3607264</origin>
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      <text bytes="31728" sha1="l3afmsr4pl5bbq9rfs2dys2w1l2tgn5" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Courage the Cowardly Dog|Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''''' (1999-2002) is an American animated show about a pink and easily frightened, still brave dog named Courage who lives in a farmhouse with Muriel Bagge, a friendly, sweet-natured yet naive Scottish woman; and Eustace Bagge, a grumpy, greedy farmer who regularly mistreats Courage and often refers to him as a &quot;stupid dog&quot;.

==Recurring quotes==
===Courage the Cowardly Dog===
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* It's Muriel! She's in trouble!
* Muriel, I'll save you!
* The things I do for love..
* I know I'm not gonna like this. 
* I just ''know'' something bad is going to happen.
* Something smells fishy, or my name is 'Stinky Lou Lou'...and thank goodness it's not!
* ...or my name is ''[random name]'' ... and it's not!
* What do I do?! What do I do?!

===Muriel Bagge===
* Courage!
* Would you like a cup of tea?
* Needs vinegar!
* Oh, my!
* They can take my old photos, they can take my identity. But when they take my Courage, they've gone too far!

===Eustace Bagge===
* Stupid dog!!
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* '''&lt;u&gt;Oww!&lt;/u&gt;''' What did I do!?
* What's huh!?
* Get away from me!
* '''Muriel, WHERE'S MY DINNER?!'''
* '''Muriel, HUNGRY!'''

===Ma Bagge===
* Oh, hello, Courage! Good to see ya.
* Eustace, you stupid boy!
* Where's my stupid son?
* Your pa was a real man! You can't fill his shoes!

===Katz===
* 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I'm sorry, 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I wish you hadn't done that.
* There's no place to run, and no place to hide.
* Welcome to ''[place]''. I'm Katz.

===Dr. Vindaloo===
* Hmm There's nothing I can do, nothing at all. The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it. Just keep soaking it. You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all. Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that? Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh! That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen. Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!
* Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen. I'll do everything known to medical science. Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. I have the cure. I've discovered the remedy. This will cure your broken leg.
* Dr. Vindaloo. I'm sorry, but it would be unethical to share my patient's personal information with How much? That much? What do you want to know? ABXYZ is a very rare blood type. I do have one patient with that blood type. Muriel Bagge? No, I cannot tell you anything about her. It would be unethical to reveal my patient's personal information. So, please don't call me again unless there is big bucks involved. I love my submarine. It's so pretty.

===Le Quack===
* Qu'est-ce que c'est? ''[English: What is this?]''
* You haven't seen the last of Le Quack!

===Computer===
* ''[recurring line]'' You twit.

===Di Lung===
* Watch where you going, ya fool!
* I don't think so/I think so.

==Season 1==
===''A Night at the Katz Motel'' [1.1a]=== 
:'''Katz''': A little sport before dying, dear boy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[after he gets injured]'' I wish you hadn't done that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Come on, Courage! We're leaving. The service here stinks.

===''Cajun Granny Stew'' [1.1b]===
:'''Courage''': ''[floating in the air with a balloon tied onto him while searching for Muriel with a pair of binoculars]'' '''Muriel! MURIEL!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': This is all your fault!
:'''Cajun Fox''': MY fault?!
:'''Courage''': Yeah! You're trying to make a stew out of her!
:'''Cajun Fox''': And a right GOOD one she gonna be!

===''Shadow of Courage'' [1.2a]===
:'''Eustace''': '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;BOOGA!! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know how to make it in show biz, but up there ''[looks to the sky]'' are the real stars.

===''Dr. Le Quack, Amnesia Specialist'' [1.2b]===
:'''Le Quack''': Come here, you pesky little doggy!
:'''Le Quack''': How annoying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Le Quack, wearing a police uniform, is walking away from the destroyed police paddy wagon]''
:'''Le Quack''': ''[stops the iris out from closing]'' Wait, you have not seen the last of Le Quack. ''[laughs evilly, then the iris out closes on his beak]'' Ouch!

===''Courage Meets Bigfoot'' [1.3a]===
Bigfoot: &quot;Mommy!!&quot;

===''Hothead'' [1.3b]===
:'''Eustace''': You look good enough to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name's Shlinken Hoffer...and it's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': &quot;'''WARNING''': When using, do not get angry, do not get mad, do not get upset, or else&quot;?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Floyd''': Oh My?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you're going, you fool!

===''Demon in the Mattress'' [1.4a]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''': ''[reading an exorcism incantation]'' Hullabaloo, and howdy doo! Musty prawns, and Timbucktu! Yeltsy-by, and hibbety-hoo! Kick 'em in the dishpan! Hoo hoo hoo! ''[looks confused]'' Kick 'em in the dishpan, hoo hoo hoo?

===''Freaky Fred'' [1.4b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  That freak's not setting one freaky foot in this house!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fred''': Hello new friend my name is Fred, the words you hear are in my head. I say, I said my name is Fred and I've been very...'''&quot;NAUGHTY&quot;.''' 

===''Night of the Weremole'' [1.5a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': There's nothing I can do, nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!

===''Mother's Day'' [1.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': No, Ma. You always looked good to me.

===''The Duck Brothers'' [1.6a]===
:'''Italian Cook''': Hey! Bring that duck back! What am I gonna serve?
:'''Courage''': Strudel!
:'''Italian Cook''': Oh! Good idea!

===''Shirley the Medium'' [1.6b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  Our differences are settled...! He's dead and I ain't! ''[Eustace on his late brother to Muriel]''

===''King Ramses' Curse'' [1.7a]===
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Well, judging by the markings and the obvious age of the relic, I'd have to say it would be...garbage! ''[throws the slab out the open window]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace!
:''[Courage runs over to the window and peers out at the discarded slab. Eustace turns on the TV]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Garbage! From King Garbage of the Garbage Dynasty. Stupid dog. Always bringing garbage into the house.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab. 
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What?
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab or suffer my curse.
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What's your offer?
:'''King Ramses''': This night you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last. Return the slab.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Oh, come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Ha! That's three plagues! You're out of ammo, mister! ''[snickers]'' And don't think you can come around here pushing no tote bags on us neither.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Prof. Frith''': At last, the allegedly cursed slab has been returned to King Ramses' crypt, where it will remain buried in antiquity for all time. ''[the tv shows a picture of a pyramid in the desert]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh, I wonder where Eustace is.
:''[Cut to the interior of Ramses' crypt. It is a room made of white marble, with gilded columns on each side. In the center is Ramses' sarcophagus, also made of marble. The slab that had been broken off has been returned to its original state, but with a significant change. The image of Ramses has been replaced with that of a screaming Eustace]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': ''[echoing, from offscreen]'' Aah! What's your offer?

===''The Clutching Foot'' [1.7b]===
:'''Pinky Toe''': See what? See what?
:'''Big Toe''': See this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Or the fat lady gets it, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Get going, or I'll put the squeeze on the fat lady, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I thought that would work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Dumb dog, you blow up the money! Quick dog! Get us out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Yeah! You dumb dog! You made me kick too hard, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': We're gonna knock over Florida, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! Florida!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! Florida! Where's Florida?
:'''Muriel''': But knocking over Florida is against the law. I think.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': A fungus? Did you think about regular bathing?
:'''Courage''': Not me, the farmer! *His* Foot!
:'''Computer''': I'm not surprised. Well, if you want a cure, you're going to have to bring me a sample.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale, St. Pete, Miami, but not Boca. They can keep Boca. I hate Boca.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': YUCH! PTOOIE! Nasty! There's only one cure for that: Dog spit. Work up a good drool, baby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': And then, the Brass Ring, the Pot of Gold, the Big Bazoolie, the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Wool...socks...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Tongue''': Yeah! A big heist, see? Okay, listen up! Here's the plan, see? Okay, dog. It's like this. Or the fat lady gets it, see?

===''The Hunchback of Nowhere'' [1.8a]===
:''[As the Hunchback, Courage's new friend, is invited for pancakes for breakfast with Courage, Eustace enters the kitchen and screams at the Hunchback. He and Courage gasp]''
:'''Muriel''': Ooh!
:'''Eustace''': Didn't I tell ya we got no place for the likes of you? Now get, and stay out!
:'''Muriel''': Now, Eustace, he is Courage's friend.
:'''Eustace''': That makes it worse!
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace, don't make such a fuss. Now sit down and eat your breakfast. I'll even get those little blueberries you like so much.

===''The Gods Must Be Goosey'' [1.8b]===
:'''Goose God''': Empty. My heart is empty. And my clouds are full. ''[strikes a lightning bolt and another down at the windmill below where Eustace is working on the truck's engine; honks]'' A goose, a gander, a godly goosey gander, without love, is nothing but a fowl. ''[sits on his throne; sadly]'' Without love, all of this is but puff and fluff and… stuff. ''[honks sadly]''
:'''Muriel''': The coming rain should do these flowers good.
:'''Eustace''': ''[presses the horn on the truck's steering wheel, but no sound]'' Darn horn.
:'''Muriel''': Eustace? It'll be raining any minute now. You should come inside.
:'''Goose God''': ''[gazes down at Muriel below and falls in love with her]'' Oh, pure and formless beauty. Oh, light, oh, sky, oh, baby's breath. You have grown solid. You have grown real. You have grown fat. You have grown real fat, and your name is...
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, Muriel!
:'''Goose God''': Muriel. If letters be in order, let them be in such order as to spell...Muriel.

===''Queen of the Black Puddle'' [1.9a]===

===''Everyone Wants to Direct'' [1.9b]===

===''The Snowman Cometh'' [1.10a]===
:'''Snowman''': The first frozen snowman. That's not too shabby.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': That's what I tell him all the time! You stupid dog, you stupid dog. He don't do nothin' right.

===''The Precious, Wonderful, Adorable, Lovable Duckling'' [1.10b]===

===''Heads of Beef'' [1.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my dinner? You were gonna make hamburgers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Where's my burger?
:'''Jon Bon''': Coming right up!
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name is Stinky Looloo...and thank goodness, it's not!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog!! '''&lt;big&gt;&lt;u&gt;OOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!!&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jon Bon's Wife''': I still wanna sink my teeth into that cute little dog.

===''Klub Katz'' [1.11b]===
:'''Eustace''': No sir. Not getting out of this chair.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': The fresh air, the blue seas, the sky forever.
:'''Eustace''': Blah blah blah! Where's my chair?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid helicopter dog!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Hey! That's my washing machine!
:'''Eustace''': Hey! That's my chair!

===''The Revenge of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [1.12a]===
:''[Courage and Muriel are sitting on the porch]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh! There's Eustace with my slipper.
:''[Eustace, headless and carrying Muriel's slipper, walks towards Courage and Muriel]''
:'''Courage''': ''[screams in horror, then stops the iris out from closing]'' This ''still'' shouldn't happen to a dog...? ''[The iris out closes on his nose]'' Ow!!

===''Journey to the Center of Nowhere'' [1.12b]===

===''Little Muriel'' [1.13a]===
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[after Courage makes Macaroni and Cheese]'' This stinks. I hate it this way.
:'''Courage''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Little Muriel''': Less cheese. More macaroni. Less macaroni. More cheese! More cheese and macaroni. TOO MUCH MACARONI! Ooh, perfect! I hate macaroni and cheese.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': ''[fed up]'' Okay, that's it! Go to your room!
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[throwing a tantrum]'' I don't wanna go to my room! ''[bawls]''
:'''Courage''': Don't cry. It'll be okay. Okay?
:'''Little Muriel''': Guess what I found.

===''The Great Fusilli'' [1.13b]===
:'''Fusilli''': How! now! brown cow!

==Season 2==

===''The Magic Tree of Nowhere'' [2.1a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen.
:'''Eustace''': What?
:'''Courage''': No!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Instant Eel''': Oh, Danny Boy. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. ''[leaves through the front door. Courage yanks on his ears, hops around, and howls in frustration]''
:'''Eustace''': This is all your fault, dog. You and that rotten tree. Now I gotta order take-out for breakfast. ''[picks Courage up and boots him out the front door]'' Stupid dog!

===''Robot Randy'' [2.1b]===

===''The Curse of Shirley'' [2.2a]===
:''[Eustace is sitting on the roof.]''
:'''Eustace''': Bah. Ain't no such thing as curses. ''[wipes the rain from his glasses]'' No way, no how. ''[takes off his glasses and wipes them with a cloth, but is startled by lightning strikes from the cloud, causing his glasses to fly out of his hand and land on the edge of the roof]'' Hey! My glasses! No! I-I-I can't see! Where?! Where?! ''[sees a TV antenna]'' Huh? Muriel? ''[hallucinates the antenna as a wiry monster, then rubs his eyes]'' You're not Muriel! ''[starts wrestling with the antenna as Courage comes up with a blanket]'' Get off my roof! I don't know who you are! ''[sees Courage]'' Huh? Huh? ''[hallucinates Courage as a giant, sharp-toothed fish, then growls in rage]'' No solicitors! ''[charges towards Courage, who screams in fear, and grabs Courage by the throat]'' Now you get! We don't want any! ''[throws Courage off the roof]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': No solicitors! Especially at this hour! You want a piece of me?! You want a piece of me?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shirley the Medium''': The stupid one. He's stupid, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace sneezes. Muriel puts a thermometer in his mouth. He grumbles]''
:'''Muriel''': You know, Eustace. You should thank Courage for getting rid of that curse.
:'''Eustace''': ''[takes the thermometer out of his mouth and notices Courage wearing his hat]'' What you doing with my hat, dog? Bah! ''[snatches the hat from Courage and puts it on his own head, causing the cloud to reappear]'' Bah! There ain't no such thing as a curse. ''[gets struck by lightning]'' Bah!

===''Courage in the Big Stinkin' City'' [2.2b]===

===''Family Business'' [2.3a]===
:'''Basil''': Zip your mouth shut, dag. Or I'll be fishing you again, I will. ''

===''1000 Years of Courage'' [2.3b]===

===''Courage Meets the Mummy'' [2.4a]===

===''Invisible Muriel'' [2.4b]===

===''Human Habitrail'' [2.5a]===
:'''Old Lady Inside Vacuum Cleaner''': Let me lay down the ground rules: This is my half of the lint, that's your half of the lint. Remember that and we won't have no trouble.

===''Mission to the Sun'' [2.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy, stinkin' tube food! ''[tastes the tube food]'' Hey, this ain't half bad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid space!

===''Courage the Fly'' [2.6a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Look, I invent extra toe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I can made you different!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning Courage into a fly]'' I don't think so. Supposed to be buffalo. Don't know how, but I go back and work on problem. Should be buffalo...Fly...I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I'm doing this. But I like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog-fly!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning the general and lieutenant into buffalo] I make you different!

===''Katz Kandy'' [2.6b]===
:'''Eustace''': Stupid water.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I hope that's the sound of dinner getting made in there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[trying to make Courage lose in staring contest]'' Blink! Blink! Blink!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Sad, isn't it?

===''Nowhere TV'' [2.7a]===

===''Mega Muriel the Magnificent'' [2.7b]===

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.8a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I was confused by my submarine.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sipping tea as Courage uses tweezers to pull out hair from her legs. Eustace arrives home covered head to toe in hair, laughing]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace! What happened to you?
:'''Eustace''': ''[pulls out stacks of money, happily]'' Money! ''[starts laughing]''

===''Forbidden Hat of Gold'' [2.8b]===
:''[Eustace reaches his hand out to get the gold hat but Muriel smacks it away]''
:'''Muriel''': Can't you read? ''[points to a sign reading…]'' '''&quot;Do not touch.&quot;'''
:'''Eustace''': Nope. ''[chuckles as he takes the gold hat, ignoring the sign]''
:''[The cave suddenly starts to rumble]''
:'''Muriel''': Now see what you went and done, Eustace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Eustace''': ''[After being turned to ashes by the gold hat]'' Stupid hat!

===''Serpent of Evil River'' [2.9a]===

===''The Transplant'' [2.9b]===

===''Car Broke, Phone Yes'' [2.10a]===

===''Cowboy Courage'' [2.10b]===

===''Evil Weevil'' [2.11a]===

===''McPhearson Phantom'' [2.11b]===
:''[While Muriel folds the last shirt, Courage is relaxing inside a wash basket]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Ah, the power of doing housework. ''[puts the last shirt on top of the three shirts she had already folded. Eustace, wearing a towel, walks into the room. He grabs his shirt that was underneath the three shirts Muriel had folded and pulls it out, causing the three shirts to fall to the floor; annoyed]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Uh, sorry. You had the pile upside down.
:''[As Muriel picks up the three shirts, Eustace takes off his towel and starts to put on his shirt. Muriel starts to fold a shirt]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards.
:''[Eustace starts to button his shirt, but his arms are telekinetically pulled straight down and bended backwards and his back is telekinetically bended backwards. Courage gasps in horror]''
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, you folded me clothes too tight. What are you trying to do to me?
:'''Muriel''': I didn't do anything different, just the usual wash and fluff and fold. Must be the new detergent I'm using.
:''[Eustace grumbles angrily. He uses his feet to push himself up and walks out while muttering to himself. Courage and Muriel watch on]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Eustace reads his newspaper, Muriel polishes his shoes]''
:'''Muriel''': Beautiful. A good shine can make an old woman look young again.
:'''Eustace''': ''[lowers his newspaper]'' Ain't nothing gonna make you young again. ''[puts down his newspaper]'' So just give me my shoes.
:'''Muriel''': ''[gets up and gives Eustace his shoes]'' Here you are, ''[Eustace takes his shoes from her]'' crabby.
:'''Eustace''': ''[puts on his shoes]'' Eh, who needs them polished anyway? Just gonna get scuffed. Stupid as showering.''[Courage is gnawing on an anchor when Eustace's shoes explode]'' Muriel! What are you trying to do to me? ''[grabs his leg]'' Next time you wanna blow up my shoes, take 'em out back!
:'''Muriel''': But I shined them just like always. Maybe they've changed the shoe polish formula.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace is standing outside when Muriel comes out with his hat]''
:'''Muriel''': There it is for you, Eustace. I steamed it and blocked it, like always. ''[gives Eustace his hat]''
:''[Courage comes outside sniffing]''
:'''Eustace''': Thanks. ''[takes his hat from Muriel and puts it on his head, but the two chickens that were inside the hat start pecking on Eustace's head. Eustace runs around screaming in pain]''
:''[Courage and Muriel watch on]''
:'''Muriel''': Must be something new they're putting in the steam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sitting with Courage on the rocking chair]''
:'''Muriel''': Some therapist she is. If only we had someone here who could really help.
:''[Courage gets an idea. He runs upstairs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic, typing on the computer]''
:'''Computer''': You want to be a licensed therapist? A twit like you? ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' Okay. Don't get testy. I happen to be certified to certify. Just answer these questions and you'll have your license.
:'''Courage''': Mm-hm.
:'''Computer''': One: How do you spell, &quot;our time is up, pay me lots of money?&quot; ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' There's no Q in Cincinnati. Twerp. Next question: If Johnny has three apples and Davey has two apples, why don't they just shut up and eat?
:''[Courage is unsure on how to answer the question]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic]''
:'''Computer''': Congratulations. You are now a fully licensed therapist. ''[the printer prints out a therapist license, which Courage takes out and looks at. He runs out]'' Word of advice. Just keep nodding and don't say anything. And so Western civilization crumbles.

===''The House of Discontent'' [2.12a]===
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': GET OUT.
:'''Muriel''': Well that's not very polite!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': You didn't let me finish.
:'''Muriel''': I'm sorry.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': It's time to hit the road.
:'''Muriel''': Well, that's not much better!

----
:'''Eustace''': I'm a farmer! Farmer, farmer, farmer! Ain't stubborn! Ain't, ain't, ain't!

----
:'''Eustace''': At least I got arms and legs, you don't even got a neck. Ha ha ha!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Get out of my face.
:'''Eustace''': Make me.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Wait until midnight comes around.

===''The Sand Whale Strikes'' [2.12b]===
:'''Sand Whale''': You're trying to cheat me like you cheated me before, lckett Bagge. You won that accordion off me in a crooked card game a long time ago and I want it back.
:'''Eustace''': Naw. I ain't lckett, I ain't got no accordion, and I don't wanna be talking to no whale.

===''The Tower of Dr. Zalost'' [2.13]===
:'''Dr. Zalost''': What's the good of having all the money in the world if it doesn't bring any happiness? And if I'm not happy, no one deserves to be happy.

==Season 3==

===''Muriel Meets Her Match'' [3.1a]===
:'''Muriel''': I guess the only thing I can see without my glasses is Eustace's big shiny head.

===''Courage vs. Mecha-Courage'' [3.1b]===
:'''Di Lung''': ''[laughs]'' I told you I built better dog. Why You No give up?! Dog! You no good, give me up dog! No Good!

===''Campsite of Terror'' [3.2a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Get rich quick! It works REAL great, I did it, and so can you! All you have to do to learn the secret of my success is send me money! Thats right, it's as simple as that, get out your checkbook, credit card and wallet and send them to ME! When I came to this country, three weeks ago, I only had a nickel. Now I own three apartment buildings and a fleet of limousines!

===''Record Deal'' [3.2b]===

===''Stormy Weather'' [3.3a]===

===''The Sandman Sleeps'' [3.3b]===

===''Hard Drive Courage'' [3.4a]===

===''The Ride of the Valkyries'' [3.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': Idiot TV! Talk normal!

===''Scuba Scuba Doo'' [3.5a]===

===''Conway the Contaminationist'' [3.5b]===

===''Katz Under the Sea'' [3.6a]===

===''Curtain of Cruelty'' [3.6b]===

===''Feast of the Bullfrogs'' [3.7a]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy stinkin' frogs! I'm getting me mallet!

===''Tulip's Worm'' [3.7b]===

===''So in Louvre Are We Two'' [3.8a]===

===''Night of the Scarecrow'' [3.8b]===

===''Mondo Magic'' [3.9a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I am no longer a head of lettuce!

===''Watch the Birdies'' [3.9b]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my breakfast, woman? I'm starving to death!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I like to feed the birdies to the cats!

===''Fishy Business'' [3.10a]===

===''Angry Nasty People'' [3.10b]===

===''Dome of Doom'' [3.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Food? Food? I need food! Where's my lunch?
:'''Muriel''': Right here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Ingredients. Hornets, Pythons, Piranhas!? OH NO!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Want more... food. AAAH! Oh, wicket! Where's my dinner?

===''Snowman's Revenge'' [3.11b]===
:'''The Snowman''': Ah. Tutti frutti.

===''The Quilt Club'' [3.12a]===

===''Swindlin' Wind'' [3.12b]===

===''King of Flan'' [3.13a]===

===''Courage Under the Volcano'' [3.13b]===

==Season 4==

===''A Beaver's Tale'' [4.1a]===

===''The Nutcracker'' [4.1b]===

===''Rumpledkiltskin'' [4.2a]===
Buuuuuzzzzz

===''House Calls'' [4.2b]===

===''Le Quack Balloon'' [4.3a]===
:'''Le Quack''': Le Quack is back! 

===''Windmill Vandals'' [4.3b]===

===''The Uncommon Cold'' [4.4a]===

===''Farmer Hunter, Farmer Hunted'' [4.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': I ain't useless! I'm Eustace!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Father Deer''': Every hunting season it's the same thing. We can't take it anymore. I'm gonna put an end to our living in fear. I'm ''going'' hunting! ''[holds his gun]'' A deer's gotta do what a deer's gotta do.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Oh, wicket! Who the heck are you?

===''Bride of Swamp Monster'' [4.5a]===

===''Goat Pain'' [4.5b]===

===''Muriel Blows Up'' [4.6a]===

===''Profiles in Courage'' [4.6b]===

===''The Mask'' [4.7]===
:'''Kitty''': Dogs are evil.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mad Dog''': I take you from a two-bit joint and make you a class act, and you want to make me second rate? If I even SMELL Kitty, I'll bury the two of you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace. I'm sorry for all the terrible things I said.
:'''Eustace''': That's okay Muriel, nobody's perfect.
:''[They embrace]''
:'''Muriel''': I wonder where Courage has run off to.
:'''Eustace''': Who cares?

===''Squatting Tiger, Hidden Dog'' [4.8a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you going, ya fool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Yo, Aunty! What's up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Oh no! That's your magic silkworm! It sure is transcending this life. Bye-bye, magic silkworm!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Okay, Aunty. I go find someone truly innocent.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Hey, lady with innocent soul! I be your tour guide—show you Great Wall.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I loosen your ankles, when I remove your bones! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': This not acupuncture, this de-boning, I taking our your bones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[Gasp]'' The good empress, back to reclaim throne! I not carry out resort torture for evil empress! Not de-boning... re-boning!

===''Muted Muriel'' [4.8b]===
:'''Eustace''': Hey, stupid dog, Muriel talking yet?
:'''Courage''': Mm-mm.
:'''Eustace''': Well go get her to talk, dog! I wanna know if she's gonna make me breakfast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': I've had it with you not caring what I think or say!
:'''Eustace''': They should make a remote that shuts off people!
:'''Muriel''': Don't worry, I'm shutting myself off! I'm not speaking anymore, listen to the TV all you want. You won't be hearing from me again! ''[Courage tries to protest]'' Sorry, Courage. My voice isn't welcome in this house, so I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.

===''Aqua-Farmer'' [4.9a]===
:''[Eustace meets up with Courage and Muriel.]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what took you so long?
:'''Eustace''': We had to work out a deal for the rematch. If I lose, you're gonna have to pack up your things and move in with the dolphin, and be his sidekick.
:'''Muriel''': ''[Shocked]'' Oh, dear.
:''[Muriel has a thought bubble about living with Jojo as a mermaid.]''
:'''Courage''': ''[Horrified]'' No!

===''Food of the Dragon'' [4.9b]===

===''Last of the Starmakers'' [4.10a]===

===''Son of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [4.10b]===

===''Courageous Cure'' [4.11a]===

===''Ball of Revenge'' [4.11b]===
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what's all the ruckus?
:'''Eustace''': What ruckus?
:'''Villains''': Destroy the stupid dog!
:'''Eustace''': Eh...
:'''Cajun Fox''': Lie, man, lie.
:'''Eustace''': That's my friends. It's a men's club. And no dogs allowed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Courage, what big lungs you have.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Courage, Courage, Courage! That stupid dog gets all the good stuff around here! I hate that dumb dog!

===''Cabaret Courage'' [4.12a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where ya goin', ya fool!

===''Wrath of the Librarian'' [4.12b]===

===''Remembrance of Courage Past'' [4.13a]===
:''[Flashback to the first time Courage met Muriel]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh my. Poor thing, out here all alone... what courage you have. Would you like to come home with me?
:''[Courage cries in joy]''
:'''Muriel''': I'll call you Courage, we'll have a grand time.
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;May I talk with the two of you for a moment? In private?&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;I know just what to do with the dog, but I like to have a moment with him, alone.&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;Ready for the trip? It's your turn now!&quot;

===''Perfect'' [4.13b]===

==Cast==
*[[w:Marty Grabstein|Marty Grabstein]]
*[[w:Thea White|Thea White]]
*[[w:Lionel G. Wilson|Lionel G. Wilson]]
*[[w:Arthur Anderson (voice actor)|Arthur Anderson]]
*[[w:Simon Prebble|Simon Prebble]]
*[[w:Paul Schoeffler|Paul Schoeffler]]
*[[w:Billie Lou Watt|Billie Lou Watt]]
*[[w:Peter Fernandez|Peter Fernandez]]
*[[w:Arnold Stang|Arnold Stang]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0220880|title=Courage the Cowardly Dog}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]</text>
      <sha1>l3afmsr4pl5bbq9rfs2dys2w1l2tgn5</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607265</id>
      <parentid>3607264</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T22:55:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Gods Must Be Goosey [1.8b] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="31730" sha1="1l22y8lv3cupui1rw784xsk2sze7v61" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Courage the Cowardly Dog|Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''''' (1999-2002) is an American animated show about a pink and easily frightened, still brave dog named Courage who lives in a farmhouse with Muriel Bagge, a friendly, sweet-natured yet naive Scottish woman; and Eustace Bagge, a grumpy, greedy farmer who regularly mistreats Courage and often refers to him as a &quot;stupid dog&quot;.

==Recurring quotes==
===Courage the Cowardly Dog===
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* It's Muriel! She's in trouble!
* Muriel, I'll save you!
* The things I do for love..
* I know I'm not gonna like this. 
* I just ''know'' something bad is going to happen.
* Something smells fishy, or my name is 'Stinky Lou Lou'...and thank goodness it's not!
* ...or my name is ''[random name]'' ... and it's not!
* What do I do?! What do I do?!

===Muriel Bagge===
* Courage!
* Would you like a cup of tea?
* Needs vinegar!
* Oh, my!
* They can take my old photos, they can take my identity. But when they take my Courage, they've gone too far!

===Eustace Bagge===
* Stupid dog!!
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* '''&lt;u&gt;Oww!&lt;/u&gt;''' What did I do!?
* What's huh!?
* Get away from me!
* '''Muriel, WHERE'S MY DINNER?!'''
* '''Muriel, HUNGRY!'''

===Ma Bagge===
* Oh, hello, Courage! Good to see ya.
* Eustace, you stupid boy!
* Where's my stupid son?
* Your pa was a real man! You can't fill his shoes!

===Katz===
* 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I'm sorry, 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I wish you hadn't done that.
* There's no place to run, and no place to hide.
* Welcome to ''[place]''. I'm Katz.

===Dr. Vindaloo===
* Hmm There's nothing I can do, nothing at all. The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it. Just keep soaking it. You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all. Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that? Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh! That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen. Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!
* Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen. I'll do everything known to medical science. Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. I have the cure. I've discovered the remedy. This will cure your broken leg.
* Dr. Vindaloo. I'm sorry, but it would be unethical to share my patient's personal information with How much? That much? What do you want to know? ABXYZ is a very rare blood type. I do have one patient with that blood type. Muriel Bagge? No, I cannot tell you anything about her. It would be unethical to reveal my patient's personal information. So, please don't call me again unless there is big bucks involved. I love my submarine. It's so pretty.

===Le Quack===
* Qu'est-ce que c'est? ''[English: What is this?]''
* You haven't seen the last of Le Quack!

===Computer===
* ''[recurring line]'' You twit.

===Di Lung===
* Watch where you going, ya fool!
* I don't think so/I think so.

==Season 1==
===''A Night at the Katz Motel'' [1.1a]=== 
:'''Katz''': A little sport before dying, dear boy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[after he gets injured]'' I wish you hadn't done that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Come on, Courage! We're leaving. The service here stinks.

===''Cajun Granny Stew'' [1.1b]===
:'''Courage''': ''[floating in the air with a balloon tied onto him while searching for Muriel with a pair of binoculars]'' '''Muriel! MURIEL!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': This is all your fault!
:'''Cajun Fox''': MY fault?!
:'''Courage''': Yeah! You're trying to make a stew out of her!
:'''Cajun Fox''': And a right GOOD one she gonna be!

===''Shadow of Courage'' [1.2a]===
:'''Eustace''': '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;BOOGA!! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know how to make it in show biz, but up there ''[looks to the sky]'' are the real stars.

===''Dr. Le Quack, Amnesia Specialist'' [1.2b]===
:'''Le Quack''': Come here, you pesky little doggy!
:'''Le Quack''': How annoying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Le Quack, wearing a police uniform, is walking away from the destroyed police paddy wagon]''
:'''Le Quack''': ''[stops the iris out from closing]'' Wait, you have not seen the last of Le Quack. ''[laughs evilly, then the iris out closes on his beak]'' Ouch!

===''Courage Meets Bigfoot'' [1.3a]===
Bigfoot: &quot;Mommy!!&quot;

===''Hothead'' [1.3b]===
:'''Eustace''': You look good enough to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name's Shlinken Hoffer...and it's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': &quot;'''WARNING''': When using, do not get angry, do not get mad, do not get upset, or else&quot;?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Floyd''': Oh My?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you're going, you fool!

===''Demon in the Mattress'' [1.4a]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''': ''[reading an exorcism incantation]'' Hullabaloo, and howdy doo! Musty prawns, and Timbucktu! Yeltsy-by, and hibbety-hoo! Kick 'em in the dishpan! Hoo hoo hoo! ''[looks confused]'' Kick 'em in the dishpan, hoo hoo hoo?

===''Freaky Fred'' [1.4b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  That freak's not setting one freaky foot in this house!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fred''': Hello new friend my name is Fred, the words you hear are in my head. I say, I said my name is Fred and I've been very...'''&quot;NAUGHTY&quot;.''' 

===''Night of the Weremole'' [1.5a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': There's nothing I can do, nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!

===''Mother's Day'' [1.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': No, Ma. You always looked good to me.

===''The Duck Brothers'' [1.6a]===
:'''Italian Cook''': Hey! Bring that duck back! What am I gonna serve?
:'''Courage''': Strudel!
:'''Italian Cook''': Oh! Good idea!

===''Shirley the Medium'' [1.6b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  Our differences are settled...! He's dead and I ain't! ''[Eustace on his late brother to Muriel]''

===''King Ramses' Curse'' [1.7a]===
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Well, judging by the markings and the obvious age of the relic, I'd have to say it would be...garbage! ''[throws the slab out the open window]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace!
:''[Courage runs over to the window and peers out at the discarded slab. Eustace turns on the TV]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Garbage! From King Garbage of the Garbage Dynasty. Stupid dog. Always bringing garbage into the house.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab. 
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What?
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab or suffer my curse.
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What's your offer?
:'''King Ramses''': This night you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last. Return the slab.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Oh, come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Ha! That's three plagues! You're out of ammo, mister! ''[snickers]'' And don't think you can come around here pushing no tote bags on us neither.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Prof. Frith''': At last, the allegedly cursed slab has been returned to King Ramses' crypt, where it will remain buried in antiquity for all time. ''[the tv shows a picture of a pyramid in the desert]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh, I wonder where Eustace is.
:''[Cut to the interior of Ramses' crypt. It is a room made of white marble, with gilded columns on each side. In the center is Ramses' sarcophagus, also made of marble. The slab that had been broken off has been returned to its original state, but with a significant change. The image of Ramses has been replaced with that of a screaming Eustace]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': ''[echoing, from offscreen]'' Aah! What's your offer?

===''The Clutching Foot'' [1.7b]===
:'''Pinky Toe''': See what? See what?
:'''Big Toe''': See this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Or the fat lady gets it, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Get going, or I'll put the squeeze on the fat lady, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I thought that would work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Dumb dog, you blow up the money! Quick dog! Get us out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Yeah! You dumb dog! You made me kick too hard, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': We're gonna knock over Florida, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! Florida!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! Florida! Where's Florida?
:'''Muriel''': But knocking over Florida is against the law. I think.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': A fungus? Did you think about regular bathing?
:'''Courage''': Not me, the farmer! *His* Foot!
:'''Computer''': I'm not surprised. Well, if you want a cure, you're going to have to bring me a sample.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale, St. Pete, Miami, but not Boca. They can keep Boca. I hate Boca.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': YUCH! PTOOIE! Nasty! There's only one cure for that: Dog spit. Work up a good drool, baby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': And then, the Brass Ring, the Pot of Gold, the Big Bazoolie, the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Wool...socks...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Tongue''': Yeah! A big heist, see? Okay, listen up! Here's the plan, see? Okay, dog. It's like this. Or the fat lady gets it, see?

===''The Hunchback of Nowhere'' [1.8a]===
:''[As the Hunchback, Courage's new friend, is invited for pancakes for breakfast with Courage, Eustace enters the kitchen and screams at the Hunchback. He and Courage gasp]''
:'''Muriel''': Ooh!
:'''Eustace''': Didn't I tell ya we got no place for the likes of you? Now get, and stay out!
:'''Muriel''': Now, Eustace, he is Courage's friend.
:'''Eustace''': That makes it worse!
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace, don't make such a fuss. Now sit down and eat your breakfast. I'll even get those little blueberries you like so much.

===''The Gods Must Be Goosey'' [1.8b]===
:'''Goose God''': Empty. My heart is empty. And my clouds are full. ''[strikes down a lightning bolt and another down at the windmill below where Eustace is doing repairs on the truck; honks]'' A goose, a gander, a godly goosey gander, without love, is nothing but a fowl. ''[sits on his throne; sadly]'' Without love, all of this is but puff and fluff and… stuff. ''[honks sadly]''
:'''Muriel''': The coming rain should do these flowers good.
:'''Eustace''': ''[presses the horn on the truck's steering wheel, but no sound]'' Darn horn.
:'''Muriel''': Eustace? It'll be raining any minute now. You should come inside.
:'''Goose God''': ''[gazes down at Muriel below and falls in love with her]'' Oh, pure and formless beauty. Oh, light, oh, sky, oh, baby's breath. You have grown solid. You have grown real. You have grown fat. You have grown real fat, and your name is...
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, Muriel!
:'''Goose God''': Muriel. If letters be in order, let them be in such order as to spell...Muriel.

===''Queen of the Black Puddle'' [1.9a]===

===''Everyone Wants to Direct'' [1.9b]===

===''The Snowman Cometh'' [1.10a]===
:'''Snowman''': The first frozen snowman. That's not too shabby.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': That's what I tell him all the time! You stupid dog, you stupid dog. He don't do nothin' right.

===''The Precious, Wonderful, Adorable, Lovable Duckling'' [1.10b]===

===''Heads of Beef'' [1.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my dinner? You were gonna make hamburgers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Where's my burger?
:'''Jon Bon''': Coming right up!
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name is Stinky Looloo...and thank goodness, it's not!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog!! '''&lt;big&gt;&lt;u&gt;OOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!!&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jon Bon's Wife''': I still wanna sink my teeth into that cute little dog.

===''Klub Katz'' [1.11b]===
:'''Eustace''': No sir. Not getting out of this chair.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': The fresh air, the blue seas, the sky forever.
:'''Eustace''': Blah blah blah! Where's my chair?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid helicopter dog!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Hey! That's my washing machine!
:'''Eustace''': Hey! That's my chair!

===''The Revenge of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [1.12a]===
:''[Courage and Muriel are sitting on the porch]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh! There's Eustace with my slipper.
:''[Eustace, headless and carrying Muriel's slipper, walks towards Courage and Muriel]''
:'''Courage''': ''[screams in horror, then stops the iris out from closing]'' This ''still'' shouldn't happen to a dog...? ''[The iris out closes on his nose]'' Ow!!

===''Journey to the Center of Nowhere'' [1.12b]===

===''Little Muriel'' [1.13a]===
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[after Courage makes Macaroni and Cheese]'' This stinks. I hate it this way.
:'''Courage''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Little Muriel''': Less cheese. More macaroni. Less macaroni. More cheese! More cheese and macaroni. TOO MUCH MACARONI! Ooh, perfect! I hate macaroni and cheese.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': ''[fed up]'' Okay, that's it! Go to your room!
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[throwing a tantrum]'' I don't wanna go to my room! ''[bawls]''
:'''Courage''': Don't cry. It'll be okay. Okay?
:'''Little Muriel''': Guess what I found.

===''The Great Fusilli'' [1.13b]===
:'''Fusilli''': How! now! brown cow!

==Season 2==

===''The Magic Tree of Nowhere'' [2.1a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen.
:'''Eustace''': What?
:'''Courage''': No!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Instant Eel''': Oh, Danny Boy. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. ''[leaves through the front door. Courage yanks on his ears, hops around, and howls in frustration]''
:'''Eustace''': This is all your fault, dog. You and that rotten tree. Now I gotta order take-out for breakfast. ''[picks Courage up and boots him out the front door]'' Stupid dog!

===''Robot Randy'' [2.1b]===

===''The Curse of Shirley'' [2.2a]===
:''[Eustace is sitting on the roof.]''
:'''Eustace''': Bah. Ain't no such thing as curses. ''[wipes the rain from his glasses]'' No way, no how. ''[takes off his glasses and wipes them with a cloth, but is startled by lightning strikes from the cloud, causing his glasses to fly out of his hand and land on the edge of the roof]'' Hey! My glasses! No! I-I-I can't see! Where?! Where?! ''[sees a TV antenna]'' Huh? Muriel? ''[hallucinates the antenna as a wiry monster, then rubs his eyes]'' You're not Muriel! ''[starts wrestling with the antenna as Courage comes up with a blanket]'' Get off my roof! I don't know who you are! ''[sees Courage]'' Huh? Huh? ''[hallucinates Courage as a giant, sharp-toothed fish, then growls in rage]'' No solicitors! ''[charges towards Courage, who screams in fear, and grabs Courage by the throat]'' Now you get! We don't want any! ''[throws Courage off the roof]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': No solicitors! Especially at this hour! You want a piece of me?! You want a piece of me?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shirley the Medium''': The stupid one. He's stupid, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace sneezes. Muriel puts a thermometer in his mouth. He grumbles]''
:'''Muriel''': You know, Eustace. You should thank Courage for getting rid of that curse.
:'''Eustace''': ''[takes the thermometer out of his mouth and notices Courage wearing his hat]'' What you doing with my hat, dog? Bah! ''[snatches the hat from Courage and puts it on his own head, causing the cloud to reappear]'' Bah! There ain't no such thing as a curse. ''[gets struck by lightning]'' Bah!

===''Courage in the Big Stinkin' City'' [2.2b]===

===''Family Business'' [2.3a]===
:'''Basil''': Zip your mouth shut, dag. Or I'll be fishing you again, I will. ''

===''1000 Years of Courage'' [2.3b]===

===''Courage Meets the Mummy'' [2.4a]===

===''Invisible Muriel'' [2.4b]===

===''Human Habitrail'' [2.5a]===
:'''Old Lady Inside Vacuum Cleaner''': Let me lay down the ground rules: This is my half of the lint, that's your half of the lint. Remember that and we won't have no trouble.

===''Mission to the Sun'' [2.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy, stinkin' tube food! ''[tastes the tube food]'' Hey, this ain't half bad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid space!

===''Courage the Fly'' [2.6a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Look, I invent extra toe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I can made you different!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning Courage into a fly]'' I don't think so. Supposed to be buffalo. Don't know how, but I go back and work on problem. Should be buffalo...Fly...I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I'm doing this. But I like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog-fly!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning the general and lieutenant into buffalo] I make you different!

===''Katz Kandy'' [2.6b]===
:'''Eustace''': Stupid water.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I hope that's the sound of dinner getting made in there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[trying to make Courage lose in staring contest]'' Blink! Blink! Blink!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Sad, isn't it?

===''Nowhere TV'' [2.7a]===

===''Mega Muriel the Magnificent'' [2.7b]===

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.8a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I was confused by my submarine.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sipping tea as Courage uses tweezers to pull out hair from her legs. Eustace arrives home covered head to toe in hair, laughing]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace! What happened to you?
:'''Eustace''': ''[pulls out stacks of money, happily]'' Money! ''[starts laughing]''

===''Forbidden Hat of Gold'' [2.8b]===
:''[Eustace reaches his hand out to get the gold hat but Muriel smacks it away]''
:'''Muriel''': Can't you read? ''[points to a sign reading…]'' '''&quot;Do not touch.&quot;'''
:'''Eustace''': Nope. ''[chuckles as he takes the gold hat, ignoring the sign]''
:''[The cave suddenly starts to rumble]''
:'''Muriel''': Now see what you went and done, Eustace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Eustace''': ''[After being turned to ashes by the gold hat]'' Stupid hat!

===''Serpent of Evil River'' [2.9a]===

===''The Transplant'' [2.9b]===

===''Car Broke, Phone Yes'' [2.10a]===

===''Cowboy Courage'' [2.10b]===

===''Evil Weevil'' [2.11a]===

===''McPhearson Phantom'' [2.11b]===
:''[While Muriel folds the last shirt, Courage is relaxing inside a wash basket]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Ah, the power of doing housework. ''[puts the last shirt on top of the three shirts she had already folded. Eustace, wearing a towel, walks into the room. He grabs his shirt that was underneath the three shirts Muriel had folded and pulls it out, causing the three shirts to fall to the floor; annoyed]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Uh, sorry. You had the pile upside down.
:''[As Muriel picks up the three shirts, Eustace takes off his towel and starts to put on his shirt. Muriel starts to fold a shirt]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards.
:''[Eustace starts to button his shirt, but his arms are telekinetically pulled straight down and bended backwards and his back is telekinetically bended backwards. Courage gasps in horror]''
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, you folded me clothes too tight. What are you trying to do to me?
:'''Muriel''': I didn't do anything different, just the usual wash and fluff and fold. Must be the new detergent I'm using.
:''[Eustace grumbles angrily. He uses his feet to push himself up and walks out while muttering to himself. Courage and Muriel watch on]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Eustace reads his newspaper, Muriel polishes his shoes]''
:'''Muriel''': Beautiful. A good shine can make an old woman look young again.
:'''Eustace''': ''[lowers his newspaper]'' Ain't nothing gonna make you young again. ''[puts down his newspaper]'' So just give me my shoes.
:'''Muriel''': ''[gets up and gives Eustace his shoes]'' Here you are, ''[Eustace takes his shoes from her]'' crabby.
:'''Eustace''': ''[puts on his shoes]'' Eh, who needs them polished anyway? Just gonna get scuffed. Stupid as showering.''[Courage is gnawing on an anchor when Eustace's shoes explode]'' Muriel! What are you trying to do to me? ''[grabs his leg]'' Next time you wanna blow up my shoes, take 'em out back!
:'''Muriel''': But I shined them just like always. Maybe they've changed the shoe polish formula.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace is standing outside when Muriel comes out with his hat]''
:'''Muriel''': There it is for you, Eustace. I steamed it and blocked it, like always. ''[gives Eustace his hat]''
:''[Courage comes outside sniffing]''
:'''Eustace''': Thanks. ''[takes his hat from Muriel and puts it on his head, but the two chickens that were inside the hat start pecking on Eustace's head. Eustace runs around screaming in pain]''
:''[Courage and Muriel watch on]''
:'''Muriel''': Must be something new they're putting in the steam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sitting with Courage on the rocking chair]''
:'''Muriel''': Some therapist she is. If only we had someone here who could really help.
:''[Courage gets an idea. He runs upstairs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic, typing on the computer]''
:'''Computer''': You want to be a licensed therapist? A twit like you? ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' Okay. Don't get testy. I happen to be certified to certify. Just answer these questions and you'll have your license.
:'''Courage''': Mm-hm.
:'''Computer''': One: How do you spell, &quot;our time is up, pay me lots of money?&quot; ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' There's no Q in Cincinnati. Twerp. Next question: If Johnny has three apples and Davey has two apples, why don't they just shut up and eat?
:''[Courage is unsure on how to answer the question]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic]''
:'''Computer''': Congratulations. You are now a fully licensed therapist. ''[the printer prints out a therapist license, which Courage takes out and looks at. He runs out]'' Word of advice. Just keep nodding and don't say anything. And so Western civilization crumbles.

===''The House of Discontent'' [2.12a]===
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': GET OUT.
:'''Muriel''': Well that's not very polite!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': You didn't let me finish.
:'''Muriel''': I'm sorry.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': It's time to hit the road.
:'''Muriel''': Well, that's not much better!

----
:'''Eustace''': I'm a farmer! Farmer, farmer, farmer! Ain't stubborn! Ain't, ain't, ain't!

----
:'''Eustace''': At least I got arms and legs, you don't even got a neck. Ha ha ha!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Get out of my face.
:'''Eustace''': Make me.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Wait until midnight comes around.

===''The Sand Whale Strikes'' [2.12b]===
:'''Sand Whale''': You're trying to cheat me like you cheated me before, lckett Bagge. You won that accordion off me in a crooked card game a long time ago and I want it back.
:'''Eustace''': Naw. I ain't lckett, I ain't got no accordion, and I don't wanna be talking to no whale.

===''The Tower of Dr. Zalost'' [2.13]===
:'''Dr. Zalost''': What's the good of having all the money in the world if it doesn't bring any happiness? And if I'm not happy, no one deserves to be happy.

==Season 3==

===''Muriel Meets Her Match'' [3.1a]===
:'''Muriel''': I guess the only thing I can see without my glasses is Eustace's big shiny head.

===''Courage vs. Mecha-Courage'' [3.1b]===
:'''Di Lung''': ''[laughs]'' I told you I built better dog. Why You No give up?! Dog! You no good, give me up dog! No Good!

===''Campsite of Terror'' [3.2a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Get rich quick! It works REAL great, I did it, and so can you! All you have to do to learn the secret of my success is send me money! Thats right, it's as simple as that, get out your checkbook, credit card and wallet and send them to ME! When I came to this country, three weeks ago, I only had a nickel. Now I own three apartment buildings and a fleet of limousines!

===''Record Deal'' [3.2b]===

===''Stormy Weather'' [3.3a]===

===''The Sandman Sleeps'' [3.3b]===

===''Hard Drive Courage'' [3.4a]===

===''The Ride of the Valkyries'' [3.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': Idiot TV! Talk normal!

===''Scuba Scuba Doo'' [3.5a]===

===''Conway the Contaminationist'' [3.5b]===

===''Katz Under the Sea'' [3.6a]===

===''Curtain of Cruelty'' [3.6b]===

===''Feast of the Bullfrogs'' [3.7a]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy stinkin' frogs! I'm getting me mallet!

===''Tulip's Worm'' [3.7b]===

===''So in Louvre Are We Two'' [3.8a]===

===''Night of the Scarecrow'' [3.8b]===

===''Mondo Magic'' [3.9a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I am no longer a head of lettuce!

===''Watch the Birdies'' [3.9b]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my breakfast, woman? I'm starving to death!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I like to feed the birdies to the cats!

===''Fishy Business'' [3.10a]===

===''Angry Nasty People'' [3.10b]===

===''Dome of Doom'' [3.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Food? Food? I need food! Where's my lunch?
:'''Muriel''': Right here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Ingredients. Hornets, Pythons, Piranhas!? OH NO!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Want more... food. AAAH! Oh, wicket! Where's my dinner?

===''Snowman's Revenge'' [3.11b]===
:'''The Snowman''': Ah. Tutti frutti.

===''The Quilt Club'' [3.12a]===

===''Swindlin' Wind'' [3.12b]===

===''King of Flan'' [3.13a]===

===''Courage Under the Volcano'' [3.13b]===

==Season 4==

===''A Beaver's Tale'' [4.1a]===

===''The Nutcracker'' [4.1b]===

===''Rumpledkiltskin'' [4.2a]===
Buuuuuzzzzz

===''House Calls'' [4.2b]===

===''Le Quack Balloon'' [4.3a]===
:'''Le Quack''': Le Quack is back! 

===''Windmill Vandals'' [4.3b]===

===''The Uncommon Cold'' [4.4a]===

===''Farmer Hunter, Farmer Hunted'' [4.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': I ain't useless! I'm Eustace!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Father Deer''': Every hunting season it's the same thing. We can't take it anymore. I'm gonna put an end to our living in fear. I'm ''going'' hunting! ''[holds his gun]'' A deer's gotta do what a deer's gotta do.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Oh, wicket! Who the heck are you?

===''Bride of Swamp Monster'' [4.5a]===

===''Goat Pain'' [4.5b]===

===''Muriel Blows Up'' [4.6a]===

===''Profiles in Courage'' [4.6b]===

===''The Mask'' [4.7]===
:'''Kitty''': Dogs are evil.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mad Dog''': I take you from a two-bit joint and make you a class act, and you want to make me second rate? If I even SMELL Kitty, I'll bury the two of you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace. I'm sorry for all the terrible things I said.
:'''Eustace''': That's okay Muriel, nobody's perfect.
:''[They embrace]''
:'''Muriel''': I wonder where Courage has run off to.
:'''Eustace''': Who cares?

===''Squatting Tiger, Hidden Dog'' [4.8a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you going, ya fool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Yo, Aunty! What's up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Oh no! That's your magic silkworm! It sure is transcending this life. Bye-bye, magic silkworm!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Okay, Aunty. I go find someone truly innocent.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Hey, lady with innocent soul! I be your tour guide—show you Great Wall.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I loosen your ankles, when I remove your bones! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': This not acupuncture, this de-boning, I taking our your bones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[Gasp]'' The good empress, back to reclaim throne! I not carry out resort torture for evil empress! Not de-boning... re-boning!

===''Muted Muriel'' [4.8b]===
:'''Eustace''': Hey, stupid dog, Muriel talking yet?
:'''Courage''': Mm-mm.
:'''Eustace''': Well go get her to talk, dog! I wanna know if she's gonna make me breakfast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': I've had it with you not caring what I think or say!
:'''Eustace''': They should make a remote that shuts off people!
:'''Muriel''': Don't worry, I'm shutting myself off! I'm not speaking anymore, listen to the TV all you want. You won't be hearing from me again! ''[Courage tries to protest]'' Sorry, Courage. My voice isn't welcome in this house, so I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.

===''Aqua-Farmer'' [4.9a]===
:''[Eustace meets up with Courage and Muriel.]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what took you so long?
:'''Eustace''': We had to work out a deal for the rematch. If I lose, you're gonna have to pack up your things and move in with the dolphin, and be his sidekick.
:'''Muriel''': ''[Shocked]'' Oh, dear.
:''[Muriel has a thought bubble about living with Jojo as a mermaid.]''
:'''Courage''': ''[Horrified]'' No!

===''Food of the Dragon'' [4.9b]===

===''Last of the Starmakers'' [4.10a]===

===''Son of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [4.10b]===

===''Courageous Cure'' [4.11a]===

===''Ball of Revenge'' [4.11b]===
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what's all the ruckus?
:'''Eustace''': What ruckus?
:'''Villains''': Destroy the stupid dog!
:'''Eustace''': Eh...
:'''Cajun Fox''': Lie, man, lie.
:'''Eustace''': That's my friends. It's a men's club. And no dogs allowed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Courage, what big lungs you have.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Courage, Courage, Courage! That stupid dog gets all the good stuff around here! I hate that dumb dog!

===''Cabaret Courage'' [4.12a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where ya goin', ya fool!

===''Wrath of the Librarian'' [4.12b]===

===''Remembrance of Courage Past'' [4.13a]===
:''[Flashback to the first time Courage met Muriel]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh my. Poor thing, out here all alone... what courage you have. Would you like to come home with me?
:''[Courage cries in joy]''
:'''Muriel''': I'll call you Courage, we'll have a grand time.
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;May I talk with the two of you for a moment? In private?&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;I know just what to do with the dog, but I like to have a moment with him, alone.&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;Ready for the trip? It's your turn now!&quot;

===''Perfect'' [4.13b]===

==Cast==
*[[w:Marty Grabstein|Marty Grabstein]]
*[[w:Thea White|Thea White]]
*[[w:Lionel G. Wilson|Lionel G. Wilson]]
*[[w:Arthur Anderson (voice actor)|Arthur Anderson]]
*[[w:Simon Prebble|Simon Prebble]]
*[[w:Paul Schoeffler|Paul Schoeffler]]
*[[w:Billie Lou Watt|Billie Lou Watt]]
*[[w:Peter Fernandez|Peter Fernandez]]
*[[w:Arnold Stang|Arnold Stang]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0220880|title=Courage the Cowardly Dog}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]</text>
      <sha1>1l22y8lv3cupui1rw784xsk2sze7v61</sha1>
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      <id>3607427</id>
      <parentid>3607265</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T05:06:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
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'''''[[w:Courage the Cowardly Dog|Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''''' (1999-2002) is an American animated show about a pink and easily frightened, still brave dog named Courage who lives in a farmhouse with Muriel Bagge, a friendly, sweet-natured yet naive Scottish woman; and Eustace Bagge, a grumpy, greedy farmer who regularly mistreats Courage and often refers to him as a &quot;stupid dog&quot;.

==Recurring quotes==
===Courage the Cowardly Dog===
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* It's Muriel! She's in trouble!
* Muriel, I'll save you!
* The things I do for love..
* I know I'm not gonna like this. 
* I just ''know'' something bad is going to happen.
* Something smells fishy, or my name is 'Stinky Lou Lou'...and thank goodness it's not!
* ...or my name is ''[random name]'' ... and it's not!
* What do I do?! What do I do?!

===Muriel Bagge===
* Courage!
* Would you like a cup of tea?
* Needs vinegar!
* Oh, my!
* They can take my old photos, they can take my identity. But when they take my Courage, they've gone too far!

===Eustace Bagge===
* Stupid dog!!
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* '''&lt;u&gt;Oww!&lt;/u&gt;''' What did I do!?
* What's huh!?
* Get away from me!
* '''Muriel, WHERE'S MY DINNER?!'''
* '''Muriel, HUNGRY!'''

===Ma Bagge===
* Oh, hello, Courage! Good to see ya.
* Eustace, you stupid boy!
* Where's my stupid son?
* Your pa was a real man! You can't fill his shoes!

===Katz===
* 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I'm sorry, 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I wish you hadn't done that.
* There's no place to run, and no place to hide.
* Welcome to ''[place]''. I'm Katz.

===Dr. Vindaloo===
* Hmm There's nothing I can do, nothing at all. The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it. Just keep soaking it. You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all. Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that? Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh! That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen. Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!
* Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen. I'll do everything known to medical science. Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. I have the cure. I've discovered the remedy. This will cure your broken leg.
* Dr. Vindaloo. I'm sorry, but it would be unethical to share my patient's personal information with How much? That much? What do you want to know? ABXYZ is a very rare blood type. I do have one patient with that blood type. Muriel Bagge? No, I cannot tell you anything about her. It would be unethical to reveal my patient's personal information. So, please don't call me again unless there is big bucks involved. I love my submarine. It's so pretty.

===Le Quack===
* Qu'est-ce que c'est? ''[English: What is this?]''
* You haven't seen the last of Le Quack!

===Computer===
* ''[recurring line]'' You twit.

===Di Lung===
* Watch where you going, ya fool!
* I don't think so/I think so.

==Season 1==
===''A Night at the Katz Motel'' [1.1a]=== 
:'''Katz''': A little sport before dying, dear boy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[after he gets injured]'' I wish you hadn't done that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Come on, Courage! We're leaving. The service here stinks.

===''Cajun Granny Stew'' [1.1b]===
:'''Courage''': ''[floating in the air with a balloon tied onto him while searching for Muriel with a pair of binoculars]'' '''Muriel! MURIEL!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': This is all your fault!
:'''Cajun Fox''': MY fault?!
:'''Courage''': Yeah! You're trying to make a stew out of her!
:'''Cajun Fox''': And a right GOOD one she gonna be!

===''Shadow of Courage'' [1.2a]===
:'''Eustace''': '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;BOOGA!! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know how to make it in show biz, but up there ''[looks to the sky]'' are the real stars.

===''Dr. Le Quack, Amnesia Specialist'' [1.2b]===
:'''Le Quack''': Come here, you pesky little doggy!
:'''Le Quack''': How annoying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Le Quack, wearing a police uniform, is walking away from the destroyed police paddy wagon]''
:'''Le Quack''': ''[stops the iris out from closing]'' Wait, you have not seen the last of Le Quack. ''[laughs evilly, then the iris out closes on his beak]'' Ouch!

===''Courage Meets Bigfoot'' [1.3a]===
Bigfoot: &quot;Mommy!!&quot;

===''Hothead'' [1.3b]===
:'''Eustace''': You look good enough to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name's Shlinken Hoffer...and it's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': &quot;'''WARNING''': When using, do not get angry, do not get mad, do not get upset, or else&quot;?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Floyd''': Oh My?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you're going, you fool!

===''Demon in the Mattress'' [1.4a]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''': ''[reading an exorcism incantation]'' Hullabaloo, and howdy doo! Musty prawns, and Timbucktu! Yeltsy-by, and hibbety-hoo! Kick 'em in the dishpan! Hoo hoo hoo! ''[looks confused]'' Kick 'em in the dishpan, hoo hoo hoo?

===''Freaky Fred'' [1.4b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  That freak's not setting one freaky foot in this house!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fred''': Hello new friend my name is Fred, the words you hear are in my head. I say, I said my name is Fred and I've been very...'''&quot;NAUGHTY&quot;.''' 

===''Night of the Weremole'' [1.5a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': There's nothing I can do, nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!

===''Mother's Day'' [1.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': No, Ma. You always looked good to me.

===''The Duck Brothers'' [1.6a]===
:'''Italian Cook''': Hey! Bring that duck back! What am I gonna serve?
:'''Courage''': Strudel!
:'''Italian Cook''': Oh! Good idea!

===''Shirley the Medium'' [1.6b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  Our differences are settled...! He's dead and I ain't! ''[Eustace on his late brother to Muriel]''

===''King Ramses' Curse'' [1.7a]===
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Well, judging by the markings and the obvious age of the relic, I'd have to say it would be...garbage! ''[throws the slab out the open window]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace!
:''[Courage runs over to the window and peers out at the discarded slab. Eustace turns on the TV]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Garbage! From King Garbage of the Garbage Dynasty. Stupid dog. Always bringing garbage into the house.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab. 
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What?
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab or suffer my curse.
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What's your offer?
:'''King Ramses''': This night you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last. Return the slab.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Oh, come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Ha! That's three plagues! You're out of ammo, mister! ''[snickers]'' And don't think you can come around here pushing no tote bags on us neither.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Prof. Frith''': At last, the allegedly cursed slab has been returned to King Ramses' crypt, where it will remain buried in antiquity for all time. ''[the tv shows a picture of a pyramid in the desert]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh, I wonder where Eustace is.
:''[Cut to the interior of Ramses' crypt. It is a room made of white marble, with gilded columns on each side. In the center is Ramses' sarcophagus, also made of marble. The slab that had been broken off has been returned to its original state, but with a significant change. The image of Ramses has been replaced with that of a screaming Eustace]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': ''[echoing, from offscreen]'' Aah! What's your offer?

===''The Clutching Foot'' [1.7b]===
:'''Pinky Toe''': See what? See what?
:'''Big Toe''': See this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Or the fat lady gets it, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Get going, or I'll put the squeeze on the fat lady, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I thought that would work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Dumb dog, you blow up the money! Quick dog! Get us out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Yeah! You dumb dog! You made me kick too hard, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': We're gonna knock over Florida, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! Florida!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! Florida! Where's Florida?
:'''Muriel''': But knocking over Florida is against the law. I think.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': A fungus? Did you think about regular bathing?
:'''Courage''': Not me, the farmer! *His* Foot!
:'''Computer''': I'm not surprised. Well, if you want a cure, you're going to have to bring me a sample.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale, St. Pete, Miami, but not Boca. They can keep Boca. I hate Boca.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': YUCH! PTOOIE! Nasty! There's only one cure for that: Dog spit. Work up a good drool, baby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': And then, the Brass Ring, the Pot of Gold, the Big Bazoolie, the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Wool...socks...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Tongue''': Yeah! A big heist, see? Okay, listen up! Here's the plan, see? Okay, dog. It's like this. Or the fat lady gets it, see?

===''The Hunchback of Nowhere'' [1.8a]===
:''[As the Hunchback, Courage's new friend, is invited for pancakes for breakfast with Courage, Eustace enters the kitchen and screams at the Hunchback. He and Courage gasp]''
:'''Muriel''': Ooh!
:'''Eustace''': Didn't I tell ya we got no place for the likes of you? Now get, and stay out!
:'''Muriel''': Now, Eustace, he is Courage's friend.
:'''Eustace''': That makes it worse!
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace, don't make such a fuss. Now sit down and eat your breakfast. I'll even get those little blueberries you like so much.

===''The Gods Must Be Goosey'' [1.8b]===
:'''Goose God''': Empty. My heart is empty. And my clouds are full. ''[strikes down a lightning bolt and another down at the windmill below where Eustace is doing repairs on the truck; honks]'' A goose, a gander, a godly goosey gander, without love, is nothing but a fowl. ''[sits on his throne; sadly]'' Without love, all of this is but puff and fluff and… stuff. ''[honks sadly]''
:'''Muriel''': The coming rain should do these flowers good.
:'''Eustace''': ''[presses the horn on the truck's steering wheel, but no sound]'' Darn horn.
:'''Muriel''': Eustace? It'll be raining any minute now. You should come inside.
:'''Goose God''': ''[gazes down at Muriel below and falls in love with her]'' Oh, pure and formless beauty. Oh, light, oh, sky, oh, baby's breath. You have grown solid. You have grown real. You have grown fat. You have grown real fat, and your name is...
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, Muriel!
:'''Goose God''': Muriel. If letters be in order, let them be in such order as to spell...Muriel.

===''Queen of the Black Puddle'' [1.9a]===

===''Everyone Wants to Direct'' [1.9b]===

===''The Snowman Cometh'' [1.10a]===
:'''Snowman''': The first frozen snowman. That's not too shabby.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': That's what I tell him all the time! You stupid dog, you stupid dog. He don't do nothin' right.

===''The Precious, Wonderful, Adorable, Lovable Duckling'' [1.10b]===

===''Heads of Beef'' [1.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my dinner? You were gonna make hamburgers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Where's my burger?
:'''Jon Bon''': Coming right up!
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name is Stinky Looloo...and thank goodness, it's not!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog!! '''&lt;big&gt;&lt;u&gt;OOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!!&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jon Bon's Wife''': I still wanna sink my teeth into that cute little dog.

===''Klub Katz'' [1.11b]===
:'''Eustace''': No sir. Not getting out of this chair.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': The fresh air, the blue seas, the sky forever.
:'''Eustace''': Blah blah blah! Where's my chair?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid helicopter dog!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Hey! That's my washing machine!
:'''Eustace''': Hey! That's my chair!

===''The Revenge of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [1.12a]===
:''[Courage and Muriel are sitting on the porch]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh! There's Eustace with my slipper.
:''[Eustace, headless and carrying Muriel's slipper, walks towards Courage and Muriel]''
:'''Courage''': ''[screams in horror, then stops the iris out from closing]'' This ''still'' shouldn't happen to a dog...? ''[The iris out closes on his nose]'' Ow!!

===''Journey to the Center of Nowhere'' [1.12b]===

===''Little Muriel'' [1.13a]===
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[after Courage makes Macaroni and Cheese]'' This stinks. I hate it this way.
:'''Courage''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Little Muriel''': Less cheese. More macaroni. Less macaroni. More cheese! More cheese and macaroni. TOO MUCH MACARONI! Ooh, perfect! I hate macaroni and cheese.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': ''[fed up]'' Okay, that's it! Go to your room!
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[throwing a tantrum]'' I don't wanna go to my room! ''[bawls]''
:'''Courage''': Don't cry. It'll be okay. Okay?
:'''Little Muriel''': Guess what I found.

===''The Great Fusilli'' [1.13b]===
:'''Fusilli''': How! now! brown cow!

==Season 2==

===''The Magic Tree of Nowhere'' [2.1a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen.
:'''Eustace''': What?
:'''Courage''': No!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Instant Eel''': Oh, Danny Boy. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. ''[leaves through the front door. Courage yanks on his ears, hops around, and howls in frustration]''
:'''Eustace''': This is all your fault, dog. You and that rotten tree. Now I gotta order take-out for breakfast. ''[picks Courage up and boots him out the front door]'' Stupid dog!

===''Robot Randy'' [2.1b]===

===''The Curse of Shirley'' [2.2a]===
:''[That night, as Courage, Muriel, and Eustace are asleep, the rain causes the bed to get all soaking wet]''
:'''Muriel''': ''[wakes up]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Huh?
:'''Muriel''': The bed's getting saggy. If you can't do away with this curse, you're gonna have to sleep on the roof.
:'''Eustace''': ''[now sitting on the roof]'' Bah. Ain't no such thing as curses. ''[wipes the rain from his glasses]'' No way, no how. ''[takes off his glasses and wipes them with a cloth, but is startled by lightning strikes from the cloud, causing his glasses to fly out of his hand and land on the edge of the roof]'' Hey! My glasses! No! I-I-I can't see! Where?! Where?! ''[sees a TV antenna]'' Huh? Muriel? ''[hallucinates the antenna as a wiry monster, then rubs his eyes]'' You're not Muriel! ''[starts wrestling with the antenna as Courage comes up with a blanket]'' Get off my roof! I don't know who you are! ''[sees Courage]'' Huh? Huh? ''[hallucinates Courage as a giant, sharp-toothed fish, then growls in rage]'' No solicitors! ''[charges towards Courage, who screams in fear, and grabs Courage by the throat]'' Now you get! We don't want any! ''[throws Courage off the roof]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': No solicitors! Especially at this hour! You want a piece of me?! You want a piece of me?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shirley the Medium''': The stupid one. He's stupid, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace sneezes. Muriel puts a thermometer in his mouth. He grumbles]''
:'''Muriel''': You know, Eustace. You should thank Courage for getting rid of that curse.
:'''Eustace''': ''[takes the thermometer out of his mouth and notices Courage wearing his hat]'' What you doing with my hat, dog? Bah! ''[snatches the hat from Courage and puts it on his own head, causing the cloud to reappear]'' Bah! There ain't no such thing as a curse. ''[gets struck by lightning]'' Bah!

===''Courage in the Big Stinkin' City'' [2.2b]===

===''Family Business'' [2.3a]===
:'''Basil''': Zip your mouth shut, dag. Or I'll be fishing you again, I will. ''

===''1000 Years of Courage'' [2.3b]===

===''Courage Meets the Mummy'' [2.4a]===

===''Invisible Muriel'' [2.4b]===

===''Human Habitrail'' [2.5a]===
:'''Old Lady Inside Vacuum Cleaner''': Let me lay down the ground rules: This is my half of the lint, that's your half of the lint. Remember that and we won't have no trouble.

===''Mission to the Sun'' [2.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy, stinkin' tube food! ''[tastes the tube food]'' Hey, this ain't half bad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid space!

===''Courage the Fly'' [2.6a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Look, I invent extra toe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I can made you different!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning Courage into a fly]'' I don't think so. Supposed to be buffalo. Don't know how, but I go back and work on problem. Should be buffalo...Fly...I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I'm doing this. But I like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog-fly!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning the general and lieutenant into buffalo] I make you different!

===''Katz Kandy'' [2.6b]===
:'''Eustace''': Stupid water.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I hope that's the sound of dinner getting made in there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[trying to make Courage lose in staring contest]'' Blink! Blink! Blink!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Sad, isn't it?

===''Nowhere TV'' [2.7a]===

===''Mega Muriel the Magnificent'' [2.7b]===

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.8a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I was confused by my submarine.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sipping tea as Courage uses tweezers to pull out hair from her legs. Eustace arrives home covered head to toe in hair, laughing]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace! What happened to you?
:'''Eustace''': ''[pulls out stacks of money, happily]'' Money! ''[starts laughing]''

===''Forbidden Hat of Gold'' [2.8b]===
:''[Eustace reaches his hand out to get the gold hat but Muriel smacks it away]''
:'''Muriel''': Can't you read? ''[points to a sign reading…]'' '''&quot;Do not touch.&quot;'''
:'''Eustace''': Nope. ''[chuckles as he takes the gold hat, ignoring the sign]''
:''[The cave suddenly starts to rumble]''
:'''Muriel''': Now see what you went and done, Eustace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Eustace''': ''[After being turned to ashes by the gold hat]'' Stupid hat!

===''Serpent of Evil River'' [2.9a]===

===''The Transplant'' [2.9b]===

===''Car Broke, Phone Yes'' [2.10a]===

===''Cowboy Courage'' [2.10b]===

===''Evil Weevil'' [2.11a]===

===''McPhearson Phantom'' [2.11b]===
:''[While Muriel folds the last shirt, Courage is relaxing inside a wash basket]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Ah, the power of doing housework. ''[puts the last shirt on top of the three shirts she had already folded. Eustace, wearing a towel, walks into the room. He grabs his shirt that was underneath the three shirts Muriel had folded and pulls it out, causing the three shirts to fall to the floor; annoyed]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Uh, sorry. You had the pile upside down.
:''[As Muriel picks up the three shirts, Eustace takes off his towel and starts to put on his shirt. Muriel starts to fold a shirt]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards.
:''[Eustace starts to button his shirt, but his arms are telekinetically pulled straight down and bended backwards and his back is telekinetically bended backwards. Courage gasps in horror]''
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, you folded me clothes too tight. What are you trying to do to me?
:'''Muriel''': I didn't do anything different, just the usual wash and fluff and fold. Must be the new detergent I'm using.
:''[Eustace grumbles angrily. He uses his feet to push himself up and walks out while muttering to himself. Courage and Muriel watch on]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Eustace reads his newspaper, Muriel polishes his shoes]''
:'''Muriel''': Beautiful. A good shine can make an old woman look young again.
:'''Eustace''': ''[lowers his newspaper]'' Ain't nothing gonna make you young again. ''[puts down his newspaper]'' So just give me my shoes.
:'''Muriel''': ''[gets up and gives Eustace his shoes]'' Here you are, ''[Eustace takes his shoes from her]'' crabby.
:'''Eustace''': ''[puts on his shoes]'' Eh, who needs them polished anyway? Just gonna get scuffed. Stupid as showering.''[Courage is gnawing on an anchor when Eustace's shoes explode]'' Muriel! What are you trying to do to me? ''[grabs his leg]'' Next time you wanna blow up my shoes, take 'em out back!
:'''Muriel''': But I shined them just like always. Maybe they've changed the shoe polish formula.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace is standing outside when Muriel comes out with his hat]''
:'''Muriel''': There it is for you, Eustace. I steamed it and blocked it, like always. ''[gives Eustace his hat]''
:''[Courage comes outside sniffing]''
:'''Eustace''': Thanks. ''[takes his hat from Muriel and puts it on his head, but the two chickens that were inside the hat start pecking on Eustace's head. Eustace runs around screaming in pain]''
:''[Courage and Muriel watch on]''
:'''Muriel''': Must be something new they're putting in the steam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sitting with Courage on the rocking chair]''
:'''Muriel''': Some therapist she is. If only we had someone here who could really help.
:''[Courage gets an idea. He runs upstairs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic, typing on the computer]''
:'''Computer''': You want to be a licensed therapist? A twit like you? ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' Okay. Don't get testy. I happen to be certified to certify. Just answer these questions and you'll have your license.
:'''Courage''': Mm-hm.
:'''Computer''': One: How do you spell, &quot;our time is up, pay me lots of money?&quot; ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' There's no Q in Cincinnati. Twerp. Next question: If Johnny has three apples and Davey has two apples, why don't they just shut up and eat?
:''[Courage is unsure on how to answer the question]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic]''
:'''Computer''': Congratulations. You are now a fully licensed therapist. ''[the printer prints out a therapist license, which Courage takes out and looks at. He runs out]'' Word of advice. Just keep nodding and don't say anything. And so Western civilization crumbles.

===''The House of Discontent'' [2.12a]===
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': GET OUT.
:'''Muriel''': Well that's not very polite!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': You didn't let me finish.
:'''Muriel''': I'm sorry.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': It's time to hit the road.
:'''Muriel''': Well, that's not much better!

----
:'''Eustace''': I'm a farmer! Farmer, farmer, farmer! Ain't stubborn! Ain't, ain't, ain't!

----
:'''Eustace''': At least I got arms and legs, you don't even got a neck. Ha ha ha!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Get out of my face.
:'''Eustace''': Make me.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Wait until midnight comes around.

===''The Sand Whale Strikes'' [2.12b]===
:'''Sand Whale''': You're trying to cheat me like you cheated me before, lckett Bagge. You won that accordion off me in a crooked card game a long time ago and I want it back.
:'''Eustace''': Naw. I ain't lckett, I ain't got no accordion, and I don't wanna be talking to no whale.

===''The Tower of Dr. Zalost'' [2.13]===
:'''Dr. Zalost''': What's the good of having all the money in the world if it doesn't bring any happiness? And if I'm not happy, no one deserves to be happy.

==Season 3==

===''Muriel Meets Her Match'' [3.1a]===
:'''Muriel''': I guess the only thing I can see without my glasses is Eustace's big shiny head.

===''Courage vs. Mecha-Courage'' [3.1b]===
:'''Di Lung''': ''[laughs]'' I told you I built better dog. Why You No give up?! Dog! You no good, give me up dog! No Good!

===''Campsite of Terror'' [3.2a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Get rich quick! It works REAL great, I did it, and so can you! All you have to do to learn the secret of my success is send me money! Thats right, it's as simple as that, get out your checkbook, credit card and wallet and send them to ME! When I came to this country, three weeks ago, I only had a nickel. Now I own three apartment buildings and a fleet of limousines!

===''Record Deal'' [3.2b]===

===''Stormy Weather'' [3.3a]===

===''The Sandman Sleeps'' [3.3b]===

===''Hard Drive Courage'' [3.4a]===

===''The Ride of the Valkyries'' [3.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': Idiot TV! Talk normal!

===''Scuba Scuba Doo'' [3.5a]===

===''Conway the Contaminationist'' [3.5b]===

===''Katz Under the Sea'' [3.6a]===

===''Curtain of Cruelty'' [3.6b]===

===''Feast of the Bullfrogs'' [3.7a]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy stinkin' frogs! I'm getting me mallet!

===''Tulip's Worm'' [3.7b]===

===''So in Louvre Are We Two'' [3.8a]===

===''Night of the Scarecrow'' [3.8b]===

===''Mondo Magic'' [3.9a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I am no longer a head of lettuce!

===''Watch the Birdies'' [3.9b]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my breakfast, woman? I'm starving to death!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I like to feed the birdies to the cats!

===''Fishy Business'' [3.10a]===

===''Angry Nasty People'' [3.10b]===

===''Dome of Doom'' [3.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Food? Food? I need food! Where's my lunch?
:'''Muriel''': Right here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Ingredients. Hornets, Pythons, Piranhas!? OH NO!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Want more... food. AAAH! Oh, wicket! Where's my dinner?

===''Snowman's Revenge'' [3.11b]===
:'''The Snowman''': Ah. Tutti frutti.

===''The Quilt Club'' [3.12a]===

===''Swindlin' Wind'' [3.12b]===

===''King of Flan'' [3.13a]===

===''Courage Under the Volcano'' [3.13b]===

==Season 4==

===''A Beaver's Tale'' [4.1a]===

===''The Nutcracker'' [4.1b]===

===''Rumpledkiltskin'' [4.2a]===
Buuuuuzzzzz

===''House Calls'' [4.2b]===

===''Le Quack Balloon'' [4.3a]===
:'''Le Quack''': Le Quack is back! 

===''Windmill Vandals'' [4.3b]===

===''The Uncommon Cold'' [4.4a]===

===''Farmer Hunter, Farmer Hunted'' [4.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': I ain't useless! I'm Eustace!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Father Deer''': Every hunting season it's the same thing. We can't take it anymore. I'm gonna put an end to our living in fear. I'm ''going'' hunting! ''[holds his gun]'' A deer's gotta do what a deer's gotta do.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Oh, wicket! Who the heck are you?

===''Bride of Swamp Monster'' [4.5a]===

===''Goat Pain'' [4.5b]===

===''Muriel Blows Up'' [4.6a]===

===''Profiles in Courage'' [4.6b]===

===''The Mask'' [4.7]===
:'''Kitty''': Dogs are evil.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mad Dog''': I take you from a two-bit joint and make you a class act, and you want to make me second rate? If I even SMELL Kitty, I'll bury the two of you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace. I'm sorry for all the terrible things I said.
:'''Eustace''': That's okay Muriel, nobody's perfect.
:''[They embrace]''
:'''Muriel''': I wonder where Courage has run off to.
:'''Eustace''': Who cares?

===''Squatting Tiger, Hidden Dog'' [4.8a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you going, ya fool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Yo, Aunty! What's up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Oh no! That's your magic silkworm! It sure is transcending this life. Bye-bye, magic silkworm!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Okay, Aunty. I go find someone truly innocent.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Hey, lady with innocent soul! I be your tour guide—show you Great Wall.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I loosen your ankles, when I remove your bones! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': This not acupuncture, this de-boning, I taking our your bones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[Gasp]'' The good empress, back to reclaim throne! I not carry out resort torture for evil empress! Not de-boning... re-boning!

===''Muted Muriel'' [4.8b]===
:'''Eustace''': Hey, stupid dog, Muriel talking yet?
:'''Courage''': Mm-mm.
:'''Eustace''': Well go get her to talk, dog! I wanna know if she's gonna make me breakfast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': I've had it with you not caring what I think or say!
:'''Eustace''': They should make a remote that shuts off people!
:'''Muriel''': Don't worry, I'm shutting myself off! I'm not speaking anymore, listen to the TV all you want. You won't be hearing from me again! ''[Courage tries to protest]'' Sorry, Courage. My voice isn't welcome in this house, so I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.

===''Aqua-Farmer'' [4.9a]===
:''[Eustace meets up with Courage and Muriel.]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what took you so long?
:'''Eustace''': We had to work out a deal for the rematch. If I lose, you're gonna have to pack up your things and move in with the dolphin, and be his sidekick.
:'''Muriel''': ''[Shocked]'' Oh, dear.
:''[Muriel has a thought bubble about living with Jojo as a mermaid.]''
:'''Courage''': ''[Horrified]'' No!

===''Food of the Dragon'' [4.9b]===

===''Last of the Starmakers'' [4.10a]===

===''Son of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [4.10b]===

===''Courageous Cure'' [4.11a]===

===''Ball of Revenge'' [4.11b]===
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what's all the ruckus?
:'''Eustace''': What ruckus?
:'''Villains''': Destroy the stupid dog!
:'''Eustace''': Eh...
:'''Cajun Fox''': Lie, man, lie.
:'''Eustace''': That's my friends. It's a men's club. And no dogs allowed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Courage, what big lungs you have.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Courage, Courage, Courage! That stupid dog gets all the good stuff around here! I hate that dumb dog!

===''Cabaret Courage'' [4.12a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where ya goin', ya fool!

===''Wrath of the Librarian'' [4.12b]===

===''Remembrance of Courage Past'' [4.13a]===
:''[Flashback to the first time Courage met Muriel]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh my. Poor thing, out here all alone... what courage you have. Would you like to come home with me?
:''[Courage cries in joy]''
:'''Muriel''': I'll call you Courage, we'll have a grand time.
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;May I talk with the two of you for a moment? In private?&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;I know just what to do with the dog, but I like to have a moment with him, alone.&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;Ready for the trip? It's your turn now!&quot;

===''Perfect'' [4.13b]===

==Cast==
*[[w:Marty Grabstein|Marty Grabstein]]
*[[w:Thea White|Thea White]]
*[[w:Lionel G. Wilson|Lionel G. Wilson]]
*[[w:Arthur Anderson (voice actor)|Arthur Anderson]]
*[[w:Simon Prebble|Simon Prebble]]
*[[w:Paul Schoeffler|Paul Schoeffler]]
*[[w:Billie Lou Watt|Billie Lou Watt]]
*[[w:Peter Fernandez|Peter Fernandez]]
*[[w:Arnold Stang|Arnold Stang]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0220880|title=Courage the Cowardly Dog}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Courage the Cowardly Dog|Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''''' (1999-2002) is an American animated show about a pink and easily frightened, still brave dog named Courage who lives in a farmhouse with Muriel Bagge, a friendly, sweet-natured yet naive Scottish woman; and Eustace Bagge, a grumpy, greedy farmer who regularly mistreats Courage and often refers to him as a &quot;stupid dog&quot;.

==Recurring quotes==
===Courage the Cowardly Dog===
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* It's Muriel! She's in trouble!
* Muriel, I'll save you!
* The things I do for love..
* I know I'm not gonna like this. 
* I just ''know'' something bad is going to happen.
* Something smells fishy, or my name is 'Stinky Lou Lou'...and thank goodness it's not!
* ...or my name is ''[random name]'' ... and it's not!
* What do I do?! What do I do?!

===Muriel Bagge===
* Courage!
* Would you like a cup of tea?
* Needs vinegar!
* Oh, my!
* They can take my old photos, they can take my identity. But when they take my Courage, they've gone too far!

===Eustace Bagge===
* Stupid dog!!
* '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
* '''&lt;u&gt;Oww!&lt;/u&gt;''' What did I do!?
* What's huh!?
* Get away from me!
* '''Muriel, WHERE'S MY DINNER?!'''
* '''Muriel, HUNGRY!'''

===Ma Bagge===
* Oh, hello, Courage! Good to see ya.
* Eustace, you stupid boy!
* Where's my stupid son?
* Your pa was a real man! You can't fill his shoes!

===Katz===
* 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I'm sorry, 'No dogs allowed!'.
* I wish you hadn't done that.
* There's no place to run, and no place to hide.
* Welcome to ''[place]''. I'm Katz.

===Dr. Vindaloo===
* Hmm There's nothing I can do, nothing at all. The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it. Just keep soaking it. You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all. Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that? Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh! That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen. Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!
* Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen. I'll do everything known to medical science. Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. I have the cure. I've discovered the remedy. This will cure your broken leg.
* Dr. Vindaloo. I'm sorry, but it would be unethical to share my patient's personal information with How much? That much? What do you want to know? ABXYZ is a very rare blood type. I do have one patient with that blood type. Muriel Bagge? No, I cannot tell you anything about her. It would be unethical to reveal my patient's personal information. So, please don't call me again unless there is big bucks involved. I love my submarine. It's so pretty.

===Le Quack===
* Qu'est-ce que c'est? ''[English: What is this?]''
* You haven't seen the last of Le Quack!

===Computer===
* ''[recurring line]'' You twit.

===Di Lung===
* Watch where you going, ya fool!
* I don't think so/I think so.

==Season 1==
===''A Night at the Katz Motel'' [1.1a]=== 
:'''Katz''': A little sport before dying, dear boy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[after he gets injured]'' I wish you hadn't done that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Come on, Courage! We're leaving. The service here stinks.

===''Cajun Granny Stew'' [1.1b]===
:'''Courage''': ''[floating in the air with a balloon tied onto him while searching for Muriel with a pair of binoculars]'' '''Muriel! MURIEL!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': This is all your fault!
:'''Cajun Fox''': MY fault?!
:'''Courage''': Yeah! You're trying to make a stew out of her!
:'''Cajun Fox''': And a right GOOD one she gonna be!

===''Shadow of Courage'' [1.2a]===
:'''Eustace''': '''&lt;u&gt;&lt;big&gt;BOOGA!! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/u&gt;'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know how to make it in show biz, but up there ''[looks to the sky]'' are the real stars.

===''Dr. Le Quack, Amnesia Specialist'' [1.2b]===
:'''Le Quack''': Come here, you pesky little doggy!
:'''Le Quack''': How annoying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Le Quack, wearing a police uniform, is walking away from the destroyed police paddy wagon]''
:'''Le Quack''': ''[stops the iris out from closing]'' Wait, you have not seen the last of Le Quack. ''[laughs evilly, then the iris out closes on his beak]'' Ouch!

===''Courage Meets Bigfoot'' [1.3a]===
Bigfoot: &quot;Mommy!!&quot;

===''Hothead'' [1.3b]===
:'''Eustace''': You look good enough to me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name's Shlinken Hoffer...and it's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': &quot;'''WARNING''': When using, do not get angry, do not get mad, do not get upset, or else&quot;?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Floyd''': Oh My?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you're going, you fool!

===''Demon in the Mattress'' [1.4a]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''': ''[reading an exorcism incantation]'' Hullabaloo, and howdy doo! Musty prawns, and Timbucktu! Yeltsy-by, and hibbety-hoo! Kick 'em in the dishpan! Hoo hoo hoo! ''[looks confused]'' Kick 'em in the dishpan, hoo hoo hoo?

===''Freaky Fred'' [1.4b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  That freak's not setting one freaky foot in this house!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fred''': Hello new friend my name is Fred, the words you hear are in my head. I say, I said my name is Fred and I've been very...'''&quot;NAUGHTY&quot;.''' 

===''Night of the Weremole'' [1.5a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': There's nothing I can do, nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': The swelling is going to go down. To go down. Just keep soaking it. There’s nothing to worry about. Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Just keep soaking it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': You almost brought it, boy. What is up with that? There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing at all.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Your son here says that there is something wrong with you. What is up with that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Now, I want you to open your mouth and say ahh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': That is the worst case of chicken pocks I have ever seen.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Oh no!! Oh!! No please!! Oh!!

===''Mother's Day'' [1.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': No, Ma. You always looked good to me.

===''The Duck Brothers'' [1.6a]===
:'''Italian Cook''': Hey! Bring that duck back! What am I gonna serve?
:'''Courage''': Strudel!
:'''Italian Cook''': Oh! Good idea!

===''Shirley the Medium'' [1.6b]===
:'''Eustace Bagg''':  Our differences are settled...! He's dead and I ain't! ''[Eustace on his late brother to Muriel]''

===''King Ramses' Curse'' [1.7a]===
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Well, judging by the markings and the obvious age of the relic, I'd have to say it would be...garbage! ''[throws the slab out the open window]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace!
:''[Courage runs over to the window and peers out at the discarded slab. Eustace turns on the TV]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Garbage! From King Garbage of the Garbage Dynasty. Stupid dog. Always bringing garbage into the house.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab. 
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What?
:'''King Ramses''': Return the slab or suffer my curse.
:'''Eustace Bagge''': What's your offer?
:'''King Ramses''': This night you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last. Return the slab.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Ramses''': Oh, come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace Bagge''': Ha! That's three plagues! You're out of ammo, mister! ''[snickers]'' And don't think you can come around here pushing no tote bags on us neither.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Prof. Frith''': At last, the allegedly cursed slab has been returned to King Ramses' crypt, where it will remain buried in antiquity for all time. ''[the tv shows a picture of a pyramid in the desert]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh, I wonder where Eustace is.
:''[Cut to the interior of Ramses' crypt. It is a room made of white marble, with gilded columns on each side. In the center is Ramses' sarcophagus, also made of marble. The slab that had been broken off has been returned to its original state, but with a significant change. The image of Ramses has been replaced with that of a screaming Eustace]''
:'''Eustace Bagge''': ''[echoing, from offscreen]'' Aah! What's your offer?

===''The Clutching Foot'' [1.7b]===
:'''Pinky Toe''': See what? See what?
:'''Big Toe''': See this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Or the fat lady gets it, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! The fat lady gets it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Get going, or I'll put the squeeze on the fat lady, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I thought that would work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Dumb dog, you blow up the money! Quick dog! Get us out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Yeah! You dumb dog! You made me kick too hard, see?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': We're gonna knock over Florida, see?
:'''Little Toes''': Yeah! Florida!
:'''Pinky Toe''': Yeah! Florida! Where's Florida?
:'''Muriel''': But knocking over Florida is against the law. I think.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': A fungus? Did you think about regular bathing?
:'''Courage''': Not me, the farmer! *His* Foot!
:'''Computer''': I'm not surprised. Well, if you want a cure, you're going to have to bring me a sample.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale, St. Pete, Miami, but not Boca. They can keep Boca. I hate Boca.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Computer''': YUCH! PTOOIE! Nasty! There's only one cure for that: Dog spit. Work up a good drool, baby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Toe''': And then, the Brass Ring, the Pot of Gold, the Big Bazoolie, the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Wool...socks...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Big Tongue''': Yeah! A big heist, see? Okay, listen up! Here's the plan, see? Okay, dog. It's like this. Or the fat lady gets it, see?

===''The Hunchback of Nowhere'' [1.8a]===
:''[As the Hunchback, Courage's new friend, is invited for pancakes for breakfast with Courage, Eustace enters the kitchen and screams at the Hunchback. He and Courage gasp]''
:'''Muriel''': Ooh!
:'''Eustace''': Didn't I tell ya we got no place for the likes of you? Now get, and stay out!
:'''Muriel''': Now, Eustace, he is Courage's friend.
:'''Eustace''': That makes it worse!
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace, don't make such a fuss. Now sit down and eat your breakfast. I'll even get those little blueberries you like so much.

===''The Gods Must Be Goosey'' [1.8b]===
:'''Goose God''': Empty. My heart is empty. And my clouds are full. ''[strikes down a lightning bolt and another down at the windmill below where Eustace is doing repairs on the truck; honks]'' A goose, a gander, a godly goosey gander, without love, is nothing but a fowl. ''[sits on his throne; sadly]'' Without love, all of this is but puff and fluff and… stuff. ''[honks sadly]''
:'''Muriel''': The coming rain should do these flowers good.
:'''Eustace''': ''[presses the horn on the truck's steering wheel, but no sound]'' Darn horn.
:'''Muriel''': Eustace? It'll be raining any minute now. You should come inside.
:'''Goose God''': ''[gazes down at Muriel below and falls in love with her]'' Oh, pure and formless beauty. Oh, light, oh, sky, oh, baby's breath. You have grown solid. You have grown real. You have grown fat. You have grown real fat, and your name is...
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, Muriel!
:'''Goose God''': Muriel. If letters be in order, let them be in such order as to spell...Muriel.

===''Queen of the Black Puddle'' [1.9a]===

===''Everyone Wants to Direct'' [1.9b]===

===''The Snowman Cometh'' [1.10a]===
:'''Snowman''': The first frozen snowman. That's not too shabby.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': That's what I tell him all the time! You stupid dog, you stupid dog. He don't do nothin' right.

===''The Precious, Wonderful, Adorable, Lovable Duckling'' [1.10b]===

===''Heads of Beef'' [1.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my dinner? You were gonna make hamburgers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Where's my burger?
:'''Jon Bon''': Coming right up!
:'''Courage''': Something smells fishy, or my name is Stinky Looloo...and thank goodness, it's not!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog!! '''&lt;big&gt;&lt;u&gt;OOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!! BOOGA!!!!&lt;/u&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jon Bon's Wife''': I still wanna sink my teeth into that cute little dog.

===''Klub Katz'' [1.11b]===
:'''Eustace''': No sir. Not getting out of this chair.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': The fresh air, the blue seas, the sky forever.
:'''Eustace''': Blah blah blah! Where's my chair?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid helicopter dog!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Hey! That's my washing machine!
:'''Eustace''': Hey! That's my chair!

===''The Revenge of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [1.12a]===
:''[Courage and Muriel are sitting on the porch]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh! There's Eustace with my slipper.
:''[Eustace, headless and carrying Muriel's slipper, walks towards Courage and Muriel]''
:'''Courage''': ''[screams in horror, then stops the iris out from closing]'' This ''still'' shouldn't happen to a dog...? ''[The iris out closes on his nose]'' Ow!!

===''Journey to the Center of Nowhere'' [1.12b]===

===''Little Muriel'' [1.13a]===
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[after Courage makes Macaroni and Cheese]'' This stinks. I hate it this way.
:'''Courage''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Little Muriel''': Less cheese. More macaroni. Less macaroni. More cheese! More cheese and macaroni. TOO MUCH MACARONI! Ooh, perfect! I hate macaroni and cheese.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': ''[fed up]'' Okay, that's it! Go to your room!
:'''Little Muriel''': ''[throwing a tantrum]'' I don't wanna go to my room! ''[bawls]''
:'''Courage''': Don't cry. It'll be okay. Okay?
:'''Little Muriel''': Guess what I found.

===''The Great Fusilli'' [1.13b]===
:'''Fusilli''': How! now! brown cow!

==Season 2==

===''The Magic Tree of Nowhere'' [2.1a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is the worst case of boli-boli I have ever seen.
:'''Eustace''': What?
:'''Courage''': No!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Instant Eel''': Oh, Danny Boy. The pipes, the pipes are calling.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': Aha! Nothing to worry about... But, there's nothing I can do. ''[leaves through the front door. Courage yanks on his ears, hops around, and howls in frustration]''
:'''Eustace''': This is all your fault, dog. You and that rotten tree. Now I gotta order take-out for breakfast. ''[picks Courage up and boots him out the front door]'' Stupid dog!

===''Robot Randy'' [2.1b]===

===''The Curse of Shirley'' [2.2a]===
:''[That night, as Courage, Muriel, and Eustace are asleep, Eustace's rain cloud curse causes the bed to get soaking wet]''
:'''Muriel''': ''[wakes up]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Huh?
:'''Muriel''': The bed's getting soggy. If you can't do away with this curse, you're gonna have to sleep on the roof.
:'''Eustace''': ''[now sitting on the roof]'' Bah. Ain't no such thing as curses. ''[wipes the rain from his glasses]'' No way, no how. ''[takes off his glasses and wipes them with a cloth, but is startled by lightning strikes from the cloud, causing his glasses to fly out of his hand and land on the edge of the roof]'' Hey! My glasses! No! I-I-I can't see! Where?! Where?! ''[sees a TV antenna]'' Huh? Muriel? ''[hallucinates the antenna as a wiry monster, then rubs his eyes]'' You're not Muriel! ''[starts wrestling with the antenna as Courage comes up with a blanket]'' Get off my roof! I don't know who you are! ''[sees Courage]'' Huh? Huh? ''[hallucinates Courage as a giant, sharp-toothed fish, then growls in rage]'' No solicitors! ''[charges towards Courage, who screams in fear, and grabs Courage by the throat]'' Now you get! We don't want any! ''[throws Courage off the roof]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': No solicitors! Especially at this hour! You want a piece of me?! You want a piece of me?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shirley the Medium''': The stupid one. He's stupid, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace sneezes. Muriel puts a thermometer in his mouth. He grumbles]''
:'''Muriel''': You know, Eustace. You should thank Courage for getting rid of that curse.
:'''Eustace''': ''[takes the thermometer out of his mouth and notices Courage wearing his hat]'' What you doing with my hat, dog? Bah! ''[snatches the hat from Courage and puts it on his own head, causing the cloud to reappear]'' Bah! There ain't no such thing as a curse. ''[gets struck by lightning]'' Bah!

===''Courage in the Big Stinkin' City'' [2.2b]===

===''Family Business'' [2.3a]===
:'''Basil''': Zip your mouth shut, dag. Or I'll be fishing you again, I will. ''

===''1000 Years of Courage'' [2.3b]===

===''Courage Meets the Mummy'' [2.4a]===

===''Invisible Muriel'' [2.4b]===

===''Human Habitrail'' [2.5a]===
:'''Old Lady Inside Vacuum Cleaner''': Let me lay down the ground rules: This is my half of the lint, that's your half of the lint. Remember that and we won't have no trouble.

===''Mission to the Sun'' [2.5b]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy, stinkin' tube food! ''[tastes the tube food]'' Hey, this ain't half bad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid space!

===''Courage the Fly'' [2.6a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Look, I invent extra toe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I can made you different!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning Courage into a fly]'' I don't think so. Supposed to be buffalo. Don't know how, but I go back and work on problem. Should be buffalo...Fly...I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': I don't know why I'm doing this. But I like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Stupid dog-fly!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[after turning the general and lieutenant into buffalo] I make you different!

===''Katz Kandy'' [2.6b]===
:'''Eustace''': Stupid water.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I hope that's the sound of dinner getting made in there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': ''[trying to make Courage lose in staring contest]'' Blink! Blink! Blink!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': BOOGA! BOOGA! BOOGA!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katz''': Sad, isn't it?

===''Nowhere TV'' [2.7a]===

===''Mega Muriel the Magnificent'' [2.7b]===

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.8a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I was confused by my submarine.

&lt;hr width-50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sipping tea as Courage uses tweezers to pull out hair from her legs. Eustace arrives home covered head to toe in hair, laughing]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace! What happened to you?
:'''Eustace''': ''[pulls out stacks of money, happily]'' Money! ''[starts laughing]''

===''Forbidden Hat of Gold'' [2.8b]===
:''[Eustace reaches his hand out to get the gold hat but Muriel smacks it away]''
:'''Muriel''': Can't you read? ''[points to a sign reading…]'' '''&quot;Do not touch.&quot;'''
:'''Eustace''': Nope. ''[chuckles as he takes the gold hat, ignoring the sign]''
:''[The cave suddenly starts to rumble]''
:'''Muriel''': Now see what you went and done, Eustace?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Eustace''': ''[After being turned to ashes by the gold hat]'' Stupid hat!

===''Serpent of Evil River'' [2.9a]===

===''The Transplant'' [2.9b]===

===''Car Broke, Phone Yes'' [2.10a]===

===''Cowboy Courage'' [2.10b]===

===''Evil Weevil'' [2.11a]===

===''McPhearson Phantom'' [2.11b]===
:''[While Muriel folds the last shirt, Courage is relaxing inside a wash basket]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Ah, the power of doing housework. ''[puts the last shirt on top of the three shirts she had already folded. Eustace, wearing a towel, walks into the room. He grabs his shirt that was underneath the three shirts Muriel had folded and pulls it out, causing the three shirts to fall to the floor; annoyed]'' Eustace.
:'''Eustace''': Uh, sorry. You had the pile upside down.
:''[As Muriel picks up the three shirts, Eustace takes off his towel and starts to put on his shirt. Muriel starts to fold a shirt]''
:'''Muriel''': Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards. Arms in, shoulders back, bend over backwards.
:''[Eustace starts to button his shirt, but his arms are telekinetically pulled straight down and bended backwards and his back is telekinetically bended backwards. Courage gasps in horror]''
:'''Eustace''': Muriel, you folded me clothes too tight. What are you trying to do to me?
:'''Muriel''': I didn't do anything different, just the usual wash and fluff and fold. Must be the new detergent I'm using.
:''[Eustace grumbles angrily. He uses his feet to push himself up and walks out while muttering to himself. Courage and Muriel watch on]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While Eustace reads his newspaper, Muriel polishes his shoes]''
:'''Muriel''': Beautiful. A good shine can make an old woman look young again.
:'''Eustace''': ''[lowers his newspaper]'' Ain't nothing gonna make you young again. ''[puts down his newspaper]'' So just give me my shoes.
:'''Muriel''': ''[gets up and gives Eustace his shoes]'' Here you are, ''[Eustace takes his shoes from her]'' crabby.
:'''Eustace''': ''[puts on his shoes]'' Eh, who needs them polished anyway? Just gonna get scuffed. Stupid as showering.''[Courage is gnawing on an anchor when Eustace's shoes explode]'' Muriel! What are you trying to do to me? ''[grabs his leg]'' Next time you wanna blow up my shoes, take 'em out back!
:'''Muriel''': But I shined them just like always. Maybe they've changed the shoe polish formula.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eustace is standing outside when Muriel comes out with his hat]''
:'''Muriel''': There it is for you, Eustace. I steamed it and blocked it, like always. ''[gives Eustace his hat]''
:''[Courage comes outside sniffing]''
:'''Eustace''': Thanks. ''[takes his hat from Muriel and puts it on his head, but the two chickens that were inside the hat start pecking on Eustace's head. Eustace runs around screaming in pain]''
:''[Courage and Muriel watch on]''
:'''Muriel''': Must be something new they're putting in the steam.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Muriel is sitting with Courage on the rocking chair]''
:'''Muriel''': Some therapist she is. If only we had someone here who could really help.
:''[Courage gets an idea. He runs upstairs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic, typing on the computer]''
:'''Computer''': You want to be a licensed therapist? A twit like you? ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' Okay. Don't get testy. I happen to be certified to certify. Just answer these questions and you'll have your license.
:'''Courage''': Mm-hm.
:'''Computer''': One: How do you spell, &quot;our time is up, pay me lots of money?&quot; ''[Courage types on the keyboard repeatedly]'' There's no Q in Cincinnati. Twerp. Next question: If Johnny has three apples and Davey has two apples, why don't they just shut up and eat?
:''[Courage is unsure on how to answer the question]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Courage is in the attic]''
:'''Computer''': Congratulations. You are now a fully licensed therapist. ''[the printer prints out a therapist license, which Courage takes out and looks at. He runs out]'' Word of advice. Just keep nodding and don't say anything. And so Western civilization crumbles.

===''The House of Discontent'' [2.12a]===
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': GET OUT.
:'''Muriel''': Well that's not very polite!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': You didn't let me finish.
:'''Muriel''': I'm sorry.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': It's time to hit the road.
:'''Muriel''': Well, that's not much better!

----
:'''Eustace''': I'm a farmer! Farmer, farmer, farmer! Ain't stubborn! Ain't, ain't, ain't!

----
:'''Eustace''': At least I got arms and legs, you don't even got a neck. Ha ha ha!
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Get out of my face.
:'''Eustace''': Make me.
:'''Spirit of the Harvest Moon''': Wait until midnight comes around.

===''The Sand Whale Strikes'' [2.12b]===
:'''Sand Whale''': You're trying to cheat me like you cheated me before, lckett Bagge. You won that accordion off me in a crooked card game a long time ago and I want it back.
:'''Eustace''': Naw. I ain't lckett, I ain't got no accordion, and I don't wanna be talking to no whale.

===''The Tower of Dr. Zalost'' [2.13]===
:'''Dr. Zalost''': What's the good of having all the money in the world if it doesn't bring any happiness? And if I'm not happy, no one deserves to be happy.

==Season 3==

===''Muriel Meets Her Match'' [3.1a]===
:'''Muriel''': I guess the only thing I can see without my glasses is Eustace's big shiny head.

===''Courage vs. Mecha-Courage'' [3.1b]===
:'''Di Lung''': ''[laughs]'' I told you I built better dog. Why You No give up?! Dog! You no good, give me up dog! No Good!

===''Campsite of Terror'' [3.2a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Get rich quick! It works REAL great, I did it, and so can you! All you have to do to learn the secret of my success is send me money! Thats right, it's as simple as that, get out your checkbook, credit card and wallet and send them to ME! When I came to this country, three weeks ago, I only had a nickel. Now I own three apartment buildings and a fleet of limousines!

===''Record Deal'' [3.2b]===

===''Stormy Weather'' [3.3a]===

===''The Sandman Sleeps'' [3.3b]===

===''Hard Drive Courage'' [3.4a]===

===''The Ride of the Valkyries'' [3.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': Idiot TV! Talk normal!

===''Scuba Scuba Doo'' [3.5a]===

===''Conway the Contaminationist'' [3.5b]===

===''Katz Under the Sea'' [3.6a]===

===''Curtain of Cruelty'' [3.6b]===

===''Feast of the Bullfrogs'' [3.7a]===
:'''Eustace''': Lousy stinkin' frogs! I'm getting me mallet!

===''Tulip's Worm'' [3.7b]===

===''So in Louvre Are We Two'' [3.8a]===

===''Night of the Scarecrow'' [3.8b]===

===''Mondo Magic'' [3.9a]===
:'''Dr. Vindaloo''': I am no longer a head of lettuce!

===''Watch the Birdies'' [3.9b]===
:'''Eustace''': Where's my breakfast, woman? I'm starving to death!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': I like to feed the birdies to the cats!

===''Fishy Business'' [3.10a]===

===''Angry Nasty People'' [3.10b]===

===''Dome of Doom'' [3.11a]===
:'''Eustace''': Food? Food? I need food! Where's my lunch?
:'''Muriel''': Right here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Courage''': Ingredients. Hornets, Pythons, Piranhas!? OH NO!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Want more... food. AAAH! Oh, wicket! Where's my dinner?

===''Snowman's Revenge'' [3.11b]===
:'''The Snowman''': Ah. Tutti frutti.

===''The Quilt Club'' [3.12a]===

===''Swindlin' Wind'' [3.12b]===

===''King of Flan'' [3.13a]===

===''Courage Under the Volcano'' [3.13b]===

==Season 4==

===''A Beaver's Tale'' [4.1a]===

===''The Nutcracker'' [4.1b]===

===''Rumpledkiltskin'' [4.2a]===
Buuuuuzzzzz

===''House Calls'' [4.2b]===

===''Le Quack Balloon'' [4.3a]===
:'''Le Quack''': Le Quack is back! 

===''Windmill Vandals'' [4.3b]===

===''The Uncommon Cold'' [4.4a]===

===''Farmer Hunter, Farmer Hunted'' [4.4b]===
:'''Eustace''': I ain't useless! I'm Eustace!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Father Deer''': Every hunting season it's the same thing. We can't take it anymore. I'm gonna put an end to our living in fear. I'm ''going'' hunting! ''[holds his gun]'' A deer's gotta do what a deer's gotta do.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Oh, wicket! Who the heck are you?

===''Bride of Swamp Monster'' [4.5a]===

===''Goat Pain'' [4.5b]===

===''Muriel Blows Up'' [4.6a]===

===''Profiles in Courage'' [4.6b]===

===''The Mask'' [4.7]===
:'''Kitty''': Dogs are evil.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mad Dog''': I take you from a two-bit joint and make you a class act, and you want to make me second rate? If I even SMELL Kitty, I'll bury the two of you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Oh, Eustace. I'm sorry for all the terrible things I said.
:'''Eustace''': That's okay Muriel, nobody's perfect.
:''[They embrace]''
:'''Muriel''': I wonder where Courage has run off to.
:'''Eustace''': Who cares?

===''Squatting Tiger, Hidden Dog'' [4.8a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where you going, ya fool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Yo, Aunty! What's up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Oh no! That's your magic silkworm! It sure is transcending this life. Bye-bye, magic silkworm!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Okay, Aunty. I go find someone truly innocent.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': Hey, lady with innocent soul! I be your tour guide—show you Great Wall.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': I loosen your ankles, when I remove your bones! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': This not acupuncture, this de-boning, I taking our your bones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Di Lung''': ''[Gasp]'' The good empress, back to reclaim throne! I not carry out resort torture for evil empress! Not de-boning... re-boning!

===''Muted Muriel'' [4.8b]===
:'''Eustace''': Hey, stupid dog, Muriel talking yet?
:'''Courage''': Mm-mm.
:'''Eustace''': Well go get her to talk, dog! I wanna know if she's gonna make me breakfast!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': I've had it with you not caring what I think or say!
:'''Eustace''': They should make a remote that shuts off people!
:'''Muriel''': Don't worry, I'm shutting myself off! I'm not speaking anymore, listen to the TV all you want. You won't be hearing from me again! ''[Courage tries to protest]'' Sorry, Courage. My voice isn't welcome in this house, so I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.

===''Aqua-Farmer'' [4.9a]===
:''[Eustace meets up with Courage and Muriel.]''
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what took you so long?
:'''Eustace''': We had to work out a deal for the rematch. If I lose, you're gonna have to pack up your things and move in with the dolphin, and be his sidekick.
:'''Muriel''': ''[Shocked]'' Oh, dear.
:''[Muriel has a thought bubble about living with Jojo as a mermaid.]''
:'''Courage''': ''[Horrified]'' No!

===''Food of the Dragon'' [4.9b]===

===''Last of the Starmakers'' [4.10a]===

===''Son of the Chicken from Outer Space'' [4.10b]===

===''Courageous Cure'' [4.11a]===

===''Ball of Revenge'' [4.11b]===
:'''Muriel''': Eustace, what's all the ruckus?
:'''Eustace''': What ruckus?
:'''Villains''': Destroy the stupid dog!
:'''Eustace''': Eh...
:'''Cajun Fox''': Lie, man, lie.
:'''Eustace''': That's my friends. It's a men's club. And no dogs allowed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Muriel''': Courage, what big lungs you have.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Courage, Courage, Courage! That stupid dog gets all the good stuff around here! I hate that dumb dog!

===''Cabaret Courage'' [4.12a]===
:'''Di Lung''': Watch where ya goin', ya fool!

===''Wrath of the Librarian'' [4.12b]===

===''Remembrance of Courage Past'' [4.13a]===
:''[Flashback to the first time Courage met Muriel]''
:'''Muriel''': Oh my. Poor thing, out here all alone... what courage you have. Would you like to come home with me?
:''[Courage cries in joy]''
:'''Muriel''': I'll call you Courage, we'll have a grand time.
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;May I talk with the two of you for a moment? In private?&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;I know just what to do with the dog, but I like to have a moment with him, alone.&quot;
:'''Cruel Veterinarian''': &quot;Ready for the trip? It's your turn now!&quot;

===''Perfect'' [4.13b]===

==Cast==
*[[w:Marty Grabstein|Marty Grabstein]]
*[[w:Thea White|Thea White]]
*[[w:Lionel G. Wilson|Lionel G. Wilson]]
*[[w:Arthur Anderson (voice actor)|Arthur Anderson]]
*[[w:Simon Prebble|Simon Prebble]]
*[[w:Paul Schoeffler|Paul Schoeffler]]
*[[w:Billie Lou Watt|Billie Lou Watt]]
*[[w:Peter Fernandez|Peter Fernandez]]
*[[w:Arnold Stang|Arnold Stang]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0220880|title=Courage the Cowardly Dog}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]</text>
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    <title>Madagascar (2005 film)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C60:39F0:B0D0:492B:727B:FED4:6BB9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="18050" sha1="6q8h61mp7zwci1uniqz0x00sug92v2b" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Madagascar logo.png|thumb|]]
'''''[[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 animated film]] about four Central Park Zoo animals who have spent their lives in blissful captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa, becoming shipwrecked on the island of Madagascar. Produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]].
:''Directed by '''[[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]]''' and '''[[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]'''. Written by '''[[w:Mark Burton (writer)|Mark Burton]]''', '''[[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]]''', '''[[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]]''', and '''[[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]'''.''
{{center|'''Someone's got a zoo loose.'''&lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

[[File:Above Gotham.jpg|thumb|&quot;What continent is this?&quot; &lt;br&gt;&quot;Manhattan.&quot;]]
[[File:Colonie de manchots Adélies.jpg|thumb|Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of Antarctica. To the wild. ~ Skipper]]
[[File:New York Giants logo.svg|thumb|&quot;And where exactly are you giants from, hmm?&quot; &lt;br&gt;&quot;We're from New York, and-&quot; &lt;br&gt;&quot;All hail the New York Giants!&quot; &lt;br&gt;&quot;NEW YORK GIANTS!&quot;]]

== Dialogue ==
:'''Marty''': The penguins are going, so why can't I?
:'''Alex''': The penguins are psychotic.
:'''Marty''': Come on. Just imagine going back to nature.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alex''': This is a highly refined, type of, food... the thing that you do not find in the wild.
:'''Marty''': You ever thought there might be more to life than steak, Alex?
:'''Alex''': ''[stares at his steak]'' He didn't mean that, baby. No-no-no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alex''': ''[while sleeping]'' Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy.
:'''Melman''': Alex. Alex. Alex? Alex. Alex.
:'''Alex''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What?
:'''Melman''': You suck your thumb?
:'''Alex''': ''[sighs]'' What is it, Melman?
:'''Melman''': Okay, okay. Oh! You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? Well, I got up to pee and looked over at Marty's pen which, you know, I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And this time...
:'''Alex''': What, Melman? What's going on?
:'''Melman''': It's Marty. He's gone.
:'''Alex''': Gone?! ''[bonks his head]'' What do you mean &quot;gone&quot;?
:'''Melman''': How long he's been working on this? ''[into the hole penguins dug]'' Marty? Marty?!
:'''Gloria''': ''[enters the scene]'' He wouldn't fit down there.
:'''Alex''': ''[searches the hay pile]'' Marty? Marty! Marty!
:'''Gloria''': This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go?
:'''Alex''': ''[horrified; after short pause]'' Connecticut!
:'''Gloria''': He wouldn't.
:'''Melman''': Oh, no! What... What are we going to do?! We got to... We gotta... I mean, we gotta... We gotta... We got to call somebody!
:''[Alex gasps, runs to the pay phone and dials 911.]''
:'''Alex''': Hello?! Get me the missing animals and hurry! We've got a lost zebra probably on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...
:''[Cut to operator's office; Alex roars on speaker.]''
:'''Operator''': Hello? ''[cut to zoo; on speaker]'' Hello?
:'''Alex''': Wait a second. We can't call the people.
:'''Operator''': What the...
:'''Alex''': ''[he hangs up the pay phone, pulls and throws it away]'' They'll be really mad. It will get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you.
:'''Gloria''': Mm-hmm. I know that's right.
:'''Alex''': We got to go after him.
:'''Melman''': Go after him?!
:'''Alex''': He's not thinking straight. We have to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. ''[sighs]'' Poor little guy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Mort gets sent out from hiding by Julien, he sees Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman and grabs his tail in fear.]''
:'''Marty''': Hi there.
:'''Alex''': ''[cuts off Marty, clears throat]'' You let me handle. ''[whispers]'' Alex handles it. Marty does nothing. ''[walks over to a scared Mort and zooms in his face]'' Hi th-e-e-ere! ''[Mort looks at Alex's teeth and starts crying.]'' Oh, jeez. Sorry.
:'''Melman''': Oh, Alex, what did you do?
:'''Alex''': No, no, no. Stop. Stop. It's okay, it's okay. I'm just a silly... just a silly lion. Oh, jeez!
:''[Mort starts screaming and crying louder, scaring Alex.]''
:'''Marty''': Aw, Alex.
:'''Gloria''': ''[walks to Mort]'' Oh, you poor little baby. Did that big mean lion scare you? 
:'''Mort''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Gloria''': He did? He's a big, bad old puddy tat, isn't he? ''[picks Mort up]'' Come on. Mama'll hold you.
:'''Melman''': ''[as Gloria is cuddling Mort]'' They are so cute from a reasonable distance.
:'''Gloria''': Aren't you the sweetest little thing. I just want to dunk him in my coffee.
:'''Julien''': ''[watching Gloria cuddle Mort]'' They are just a bunch of pansies.
:'''Maurice''': I don't know, Julien. ''[referring to Alex]'' There's something about that guy with the crazy hair-do that I find suspicious.
:'''Julien''': Nonsense, Maurice! Come on everybody! Let's go and meet the pansies!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alex''': Marty, come on. What could Connecticut have to offer us?
:'''Melman''': Lyme disease.
:'''Alex''': Thank you, Melman.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Alex and Marty seem overjoyed to be reunited; they are running towards each other on the beach in slow motion with arms outstretched and &quot;[[w:Chariots of Fire|Chariots of Fire]]&quot; playing; their voices are slow and toned to a low key]''
:'''Alex''': Marty!
:'''Marty''': Alex!
:'''Alex''': Marty!
:'''Marty''': Al!
:'''Alex''': ''[firmly]'' Marty!
:'''Marty''': ''[confused]'' Alex?
:'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' '''MARTY!'''
:'''Marty''': ''[turns to run]'' Oh, sugar, honey, iced tea!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maurice''': ''[to Alex]'' Oh my, what big teeth you have. Man. He-hey.
:'''Julien''': Shame on you, Maurice. Can you not see that you have insulted the freak? ''[to Alex]'' You must tell me, who the heck are you?
:'''Alex''': I'm Alex. The Alex and this is Gloria, Marty and Melman.
:'''Maurice''': And where exactly are you giants from, hmm?
:'''Alex''': We're from New York, and uh...
:''[King Julien makes a &quot;T&quot; with his hands, interrupting Alex, then turns to the crowd of lemurs]''
:'''Julien''': All hail the New York Giants!
:'''Lemurs''': ''[cheer]'' New York Giants!
:'''Alex''': ''[to Marty, Melman, and Gloria]'' All right, enough is enough. I say we just ask these bozos where the people are.
:'''Julien''': Excuse me? We bozos have the people, of course!
:'''Alex''': You do? That's good to know.
:'''Melman''': Hey! The bozos have the people!
:'''Julien''': They're up there. ''[points to some human skeletons hanging from parachutes snagged on the branches of a large tree]'' Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch though.
:'''Alex''': Oh. So, do you have any live people?
:'''Julien''': Um... No. Only dead ones.
:'''Maurice''': Man, if we had a lot of live people, it wouldn't be called &quot;the wild&quot;. Would it?
:'''Marty''': The wild?
:'''Alex''': Hold on a second there, fuzz bucket. You mean the live-in-a-mud-hut, wipe-yourself-with-a-leaf type wild?
:'''Julien''': Who wipes? Ha ha!
:'''Gloria''': Oy vey.
:'''Julien''': Oy vey!
:'''Maurice''': Oy vey, everybody!
:'''Lemurs''': Oy vey!!!
:'''Alex''': Could you excuse me for a moment? ''[later he's running back to the beach, Gloria chases after him.]'' Get me out of here! We got to get out of here!
:'''Gloria''': Alex!
:'''Alex''': Heeelp!!!!!
:'''Gloria''': ''[holds Alex back]'' What are you doing?!!!
:'''Alex''': I'm swimming back to New York.
:'''Marty''': Yeah, baby. We are in the wild.
:'''Alex''': I know my chances are slim, but I have to try.
:'''Gloria''': You can't swim!
:'''Marty''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Alex''': I said my chances are slim.
:'''Melman''': ''[running in panic with leaves covering]'' AAAAGHH!!!! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off! I can't see! I can't see! ''[Gloria steps on vine cord, leaves pulls off him]'' I can see. ''[buries his head in beach ground, panicked]''
:'''Gloria''': ''[while holding Alex by his throat]''  Okay, look. There has obviously just been a little mistake. I'm sure the people didn't dump us here on purpose. As soon as they realize what happened, they'll come looking for us, right?
:'''Melman''': ''[with head buried; while Marty is singing &quot;Born Free&quot;]'' Yeah, right.
:'''Gloria''': You know something? I bet they're already on their way. ''[she drops Alex, which he inhales for breath.]''
: (''Ship horn sound'')
:'''Skipper''': Well, boys. It's going to be ice-cold sushi for breakfast. (''he and Private take high five'') Rico.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julien''': ''[presents Alex with his crown]'' I am going to give you this lovely parting gift.
:'''Alex''': Oh no, really. I can't take your crown.
:'''Julien''': That's okay, I've got a better one! It's got a gecko on it! Look at him shake! Go, Stevie, go!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julien''': We thank you with enormous gratitude for scaring away the Fossa.
:'''Gloria''': The whossa?
:'''Julien''': The Fossa. They're always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off--
:'''Alex''': Yeah, sounds great.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gloria''': Where are the people?
:'''Skipper''': We killed 'em and ate their livers. ''[Gloria looks horrified]'' Gotcha, didn't I? Just kidding, doll, the people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China. Hang on, I know you two. Where's that psychotic lion, and our monochromatic friend?
:'''Melman''': ''[he and Gloria looks back to see Marty missing]'' Marty? He's ri... Where'd he go? I thought he was right behind us.
:'''Gloria''': ''[groans in frustration]'' He went back for Alex? He's gonna get himself killed!
:'''Skipper''': Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do. ''[Private brings out a notebook and a red crayon]'' Captain's log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need special tactical equipment. We're going to face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive. ''[a red crayon snaps, Private looks horrified]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skipper''': You, Quadruped! Sprechen sie Englisch?
:'''Marty''': I sprechen.
:'''Skipper''': What continent is this?
:'''Marty''': Manhattan.
:'''Skipper''': Hoover Dam! We're still in New York. Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive!
:'''Marty''': Hey, wait! You in the tux! What are you guys doing?
:'''Private''': We're digging to Antarctica. ''[Skipper slaps him]''
:'''Marty''': Ant-who-tica?
:'''Skipper''': Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of Antarctica. To the wild.
:'''Marty''': The wild? You can actually go there? That's sounds great. (''short pause; he looks at penguins' hole'') Hey, hold up! Where is this place? Tell me where it is!
:''[Skipper starts going back into the hole]''
:'''Skipper''': You didn't see anything, right?
:'''Marty''': Yes, sir. Oh, uh... I'm sorry. No, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marty''': '''''AAAAAHHH!!''''' Excuse me?! You're biting my butt.
:'''Alex''': ''[Long Pausez; muffled]'' No, I'm not.
:'''Marty''': Yes you are. ''[Alex spits and licks paws in the tongue]''
:'''Gloria''': Alex, what did you do?
:'''Marty''': ?
:'''Alex''': ?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the penguins are being transfered; Kowalski is looking at the label on their crate]''
:'''Skipper''': Progress report.
:'''Kowalski''': It's an older code, Skipper. I can't make it out.
:''[Skipper notices the chimps in the crate next to them]''
:'''Skipper''': You, higher mammal! Can you read?!
:'''Mason''': No, Phil can read though. Phil?
:''[Phil appears; Kowalski gestures towards the label; Phil starts using sign language]''
:'''Mason''': Ship to Kenya... Wildlife Preserve... Africa.
:'''Skipper''': Africa? That ain't going to fly. Rico!
:''[Rico vomits up a paper clip and uses it to unpick the lock on their crate]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alex''': ''[after Melman burned the rescue beacon in panic]'' [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|You maniac! You burned it up! Darn you! Darn you all to HECK!]]
:'''Melman''': ''[callously]'' Can we go to the fun side now?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mort''': I like them! I like them! Before I even met them I liked them!
:'''Julien''': Yes, yes! We get it...
:'''Mort''': You HATE them compared to how much I like them...
:'''Julien''': Oh, shut up! You're so annoying. ''[Pauses out of the park]''
:'''Mort''': ''[flattered]'' Hee-hee!
:'''Julien''': Now, for as long as we can remember, we have been attacked, and eaten, by the dreaded fossa.
:'''Lemur 1''': The fossa! The fossa are attacking! ''[screams and hurls himself out a window; General panic ensues]''
:'''Lemur 2''': ''[holds up a book titled &quot;To Serve Lemur&quot;]'' [[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|It's a cookbook. It's a cookbook!]]
:'''Julien''': Please, Maurice.
:'''Maurice''': Shh.... Quiet! Come on, you all. They're not attacking us this very instant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alex''': Oooh... Oh, my head. ''[bumps his head on the top of his crate]'' Oh! Ah! What the? Wait. Where? What? I'm in the box! Oh no. No, no! Not the box. Oh, they can't transfer me. Not me! Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Darkness creeping in. Can't breathe, can't breathe. Walls closing in around me. So alone. ''So'' alone. Oh.
:'''Marty''': Alex? Alex, hey! Are you there?
:'''Alex''': Marty?
:'''Marty''': Yeah. Talk to me, buddy.
:'''Alex''': Oh, Marty. You're here.
:'''Marty''': What's going on? Are you okay?
:'''Alex''': This doesn't look good, Marty.
:'''Gloria''': Alex, Marty, is that you?
:'''Marty''': Gloria.
:'''Alex''': You're here, too.
:'''Marty''': I am loving the sound of your voice.
:'''Gloria''': What is going on?
:'''Alex''': We're all in crates.
:'''Gloria''': Oh, no! What, um...
:'''Melman''': Oh, sleeping just knocks me out.
:'''Gloria''': Melman.
:'''Alex''': Melman.
:'''Marty''': Is that Melman?
:'''Gloria''': Are you okay?
:'''Melman''': Yeah. No, I’m fine. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.
:'''Alex''': Melman, you're not getting an MRI.
:'''Melman''': CAT scan?
:'''Alex''': No. No CAT scan. It's a transfer. It's a zoo transfer!
:'''Melman''': Zoo transfer?! Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. 
:'''Gloria''': Melman.
:'''Melman''': There are prescriptions that have to be filled. 
:'''Gloria''': Melman! Calm down, Melman. Relax.
:'''Melman''': No other zoo can afford my medical care...
:'''Marty''': Calm down, Melman.
:'''Melman''': And I am not going HMO!
:'''Marty''': Take it easy, Melman. It's gonna be okay. We are going to be o-kiz-ay.
:'''Alex''': No, Marty. We aren't going to be o-kiz-ay. Now, because of you, we're ruined!
:'''Marty''': Because of me? I fail to see how this is my fault.
:'''Gloria''': You're kidding, right, Marty?
:'''Alex''': You! You ticked off the people! You bit the hand, Marty. You bit the hand! ''[mimicking Marty] &quot;I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am. I gotta go find myself in the wild!&quot;''
:'''Marty''': Hey hey.
:'''Alex''': Oh please.
:'''Marty''': I did not ask you to come after me, did I?
:'''Melman''': He does have a point.
:'''Alex''': What?
:'''Melman''': I did say we should stayed at the zoo but, you guys...
:'''Alex''': Melman, just shut it. You're the one who suggested this whole idea to him in the first place.
:'''Gloria''': Alex, leave Melman out of this, please.
:'''Melman''': Thank you, Gloria. Besides, Alex, that's not my fault that we were transferred.
:'''Gloria''': Melman, shut it. Does anybody feel nauseous?
:'''Melman''': I feel nauseous.
:'''Alex''': Melman, you always feel nauseous.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gloria''': What kind of zoo is this?
:'''Melman''': I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations.
:'''Marty''': I'm lovin' San Diego. This place is off the chizain.
:'''Melman''': (''gasps'') 27!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Private''': Skipper, don't you think we should tell them the boat's out of gas?
:'''Skipper''': Nah, just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

== Taglines ==
* Someone is got a zoo loose.
* They were not born in the wild. They were shipped there.

== Cast ==
* [[Ben Stiller]] — Alex
* [[Chris Rock]] — Marty
* [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman
* [[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria
* [[w:Sacha Baron Cohen|Sacha Baron Cohen]] — King Julien
* [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice
* [[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort

== See also ==
* [[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa|''Escape 2 Africa'']]
* [[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|''Europe's Most Wanted'']]
* [[The Penguins of Madagascar]]
** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (movie)]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0351283|title=Madagascar}}

{{Madagascar}}

[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Films set on islands]]
[[Category:Madagascar]]
[[Category:Animated films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]]
[[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]]
[[Category:Animated films about lions]]
[[Category:Animated films about penguins]]
[[Category:Animated films about zebras]]
[[Category:Animated films about giraffes]]
[[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses]]
[[Category:Animated films about talking animals]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Arthur (TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607041</id>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C60:39F0:B0D0:492B:727B:FED4:6BB9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Arthur's Perfect Christmas */</comment>
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      <text bytes="6632" sha1="4l8051vme2ywuggbenht4ygmxskmjxs" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]''''' (1996-2022) is a PBS animated series about a young third-grade aardvark named Arthur Read and his family and friends who deal with the various troubles of childhood.

==Major Seasons==
[[Arthur (Season 1)]]

[[Arthur (Season 2)]]

[[Arthur (Season 3)]]

[[Arthur (Season 4)]]

[[Arthur (Season 5)]]

[[Arthur (Season 6)]]

[[Arthur (Season 7)]]

[[Arthur (Season 8)]]

[[Arthur (Season 9)]]

[[Arthur (Season 10)]]

[[Arthur (Season 11)]]

[[Arthur (Season 12)]]

==Season 13==
Random

==Season 14==

==Season 15==

==Season 16==
Based On a True Story
All About D.W.
Blockheads
Flippity Francine
Muffy Takes The Wheel
Get Smart
Baby Steps
Night Of The Tibble
Read and Flubbergast
Fern and The Case Of The Stolen Story
Sue Ellen Veggies Out
So Funny I Forgot To Laugh
The Best Day Ever
The Last Tough Costumer
Brain's Biggest Blunder
Buster's Book Battle
On The Buster Scale
Baseball Blues
Brain's Chess Mess

==Season 17==

==Season 18==
===''Whip. Mix. Blend.'' [18.6a]===
===''Staycation'' [18.6b]===
:'''Arthur''': Wait! You didn't want them to go on vacation and now you're sad they can't?
:'''D.W.''': Yeah. Didn't you see Mom's face? I thought she was going to cry. ''(A thought bubble with Mrs. Read appears.)''
:'''Mrs. Read (in bubble)''': ''(cries)''
:''(The bubble disappears. A swarm of birds flies past the window.)''
:'''D.W.''': I guess parents really do need a break sometimes - especially from you.
:'''Arthur''': I wonder if there's some way we could fix this?

==Season 19==

==Season 20==

==Season 21==

==Season 22==

==Season 23==
=== ''D.W and Dr. Whosit'' [23.3b] ===

==Season 24==

===''George Scraps His Sculpture'' [24.1a]===

===''Arthur's Big Meltdown'' [24.1b]===

===''The Great MacGrady'' [24.2]===

===''D.W.'s New Best Friend'' [24.3a]===

===''Freaky Tuesday'' [24.3b]===

==Season 25==

===''Binky Wrestles with a Story'' [25.1a]===

===''All Will Be Revealed'' [25.1b]===

===''Making Conversation'' [25.2a]===

===''A Cloudy Day'' [25.2b]===

===''Listen Up!'' [25.3a]===

===''Arthur's New Old Vacation'' [25.3b]===

===''Blabbermouth'' [25.4a]===

===''All Grown Up'' [25.4b]===
:'''Adult Arthur''': ''[last lines]'' &quot;Chapter 1: How I got my very first pair of glasses…&quot; ''[The series ends]''

==Website Promos==

From Seasons 1-3
:'''&quot;Mom&quot;''': Check out Arthur online at www.pbs.org. Remember, you can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Season 4
:'''&quot;Mom&quot;''': Check out Arthur online at pbskids.org. Remember, you can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 5-6
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskids.org or America Online Keyword: PBS KIDS. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 7-8
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskids.org or America Online Keyword: PBS KIDS. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.


From Seasons 9-12
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskidsgo.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.


From Seasons 13-15
:'''D.W.''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskidsgo.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 16-17
:'''Arthur''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskids.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 18-25
:'''Buster''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskids.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

==Specials==
===''Arthur's Perfect Christmas''===
:'''D.W.''': Stop! This is Santa’s cookies. The kids to have to get lumps of coal, Arthur Read. Follow me.

===''Arthur: It's Only Rock and Roll''===
:'''Francine''': What are you doing?! You have to stop listening to this rot. It's destroying your brain!
:'''Muffy''': WHAT?!? Are you talking about the Backstreet Boys, the ones who are coming to town in four weeks, six days, and fifty-  ''(looks at watch.)'' seven minutes?
:'''Francine''': Uh-huh. Rot. Maybe they were good once, but now they're just sellouts. ''(holding a remote to mute the audio.)'' Look at them!
:'''Muffy''': I know. Aren't they cute?

===''Arthur's Missing Pal''===


===''D.W. and The Beastly Birthday''===


===''Arthur and The Haunted Treehouse''===


===''An Arthur Thanksgiving''===
:'''David''': ''[pauses; Pal trying to eat Brussels sprouts]'' Pal, no!
:'''Arthur''': ''[to Pal]'' Down, boy!

===''The Rhythm and Roots of Arthur''===

===''Arthur's First Day''===

==Soundtrack==

==Featured Cast==
*Michael Yarmush - Arthur (Seasons 1-5, Arthur's Perfect Christmas)
*Justin Bradley - Arthur (Season 6)
*Mark Rendall - Arthur (Seasons 7, 8)
*Cameron Ansell - Arthur (Seasons 9-11)
*Dallas Jokic - Arthur (Seasons 12-15)
*Drew Adkins - Arthur (Seasons 16, 17)
*William Healy - Arthur (Seasons 18, 19)
*Jacob Ursomarzo - Arthur (Seasons 20, 21)
*Roman Lutterotti - Arthur (Seasons 22-25)

==External links== 
{{wikipedia|Arthur (TV series)}}
*[http://pbskids.org/arthur/ Official Website]
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169414/ IMDb]
*[http://www.tv.com/arthur/show/2804/summary.html TV.com]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:PBS shows]]
[[Category:PBS Kids shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607045</id>
      <parentid>3607041</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:18:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C60:39F0:B0D0:492B:727B:FED4:6BB9</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* D.W and Dr. Whosit [23.3b] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="6717" sha1="9awzrtj6x8lzm652n7740yejef9ig4r" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]''''' (1996-2022) is a PBS animated series about a young third-grade aardvark named Arthur Read and his family and friends who deal with the various troubles of childhood.

==Major Seasons==
[[Arthur (Season 1)]]

[[Arthur (Season 2)]]

[[Arthur (Season 3)]]

[[Arthur (Season 4)]]

[[Arthur (Season 5)]]

[[Arthur (Season 6)]]

[[Arthur (Season 7)]]

[[Arthur (Season 8)]]

[[Arthur (Season 9)]]

[[Arthur (Season 10)]]

[[Arthur (Season 11)]]

[[Arthur (Season 12)]]

==Season 13==
Random

==Season 14==

==Season 15==

==Season 16==
Based On a True Story
All About D.W.
Blockheads
Flippity Francine
Muffy Takes The Wheel
Get Smart
Baby Steps
Night Of The Tibble
Read and Flubbergast
Fern and The Case Of The Stolen Story
Sue Ellen Veggies Out
So Funny I Forgot To Laugh
The Best Day Ever
The Last Tough Costumer
Brain's Biggest Blunder
Buster's Book Battle
On The Buster Scale
Baseball Blues
Brain's Chess Mess

==Season 17==

==Season 18==
===''Whip. Mix. Blend.'' [18.6a]===
===''Staycation'' [18.6b]===
:'''Arthur''': Wait! You didn't want them to go on vacation and now you're sad they can't?
:'''D.W.''': Yeah. Didn't you see Mom's face? I thought she was going to cry. ''(A thought bubble with Mrs. Read appears.)''
:'''Mrs. Read (in bubble)''': ''(cries)''
:''(The bubble disappears. A swarm of birds flies past the window.)''
:'''D.W.''': I guess parents really do need a break sometimes - especially from you.
:'''Arthur''': I wonder if there's some way we could fix this?

==Season 19==

==Season 20==

==Season 21==

==Season 22==

==Season 23==
=== ''D.W and Dr. Whosit'' [23.3b] ===
:'''David''': ''[clear throats]'' [[Kubo and the Two Strings|Egad. The dad is mad.]]

==Season 24==

===''George Scraps His Sculpture'' [24.1a]===

===''Arthur's Big Meltdown'' [24.1b]===

===''The Great MacGrady'' [24.2]===

===''D.W.'s New Best Friend'' [24.3a]===

===''Freaky Tuesday'' [24.3b]===

==Season 25==

===''Binky Wrestles with a Story'' [25.1a]===

===''All Will Be Revealed'' [25.1b]===

===''Making Conversation'' [25.2a]===

===''A Cloudy Day'' [25.2b]===

===''Listen Up!'' [25.3a]===

===''Arthur's New Old Vacation'' [25.3b]===

===''Blabbermouth'' [25.4a]===

===''All Grown Up'' [25.4b]===
:'''Adult Arthur''': ''[last lines]'' &quot;Chapter 1: How I got my very first pair of glasses…&quot; ''[The series ends]''

==Website Promos==

From Seasons 1-3
:'''&quot;Mom&quot;''': Check out Arthur online at www.pbs.org. Remember, you can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Season 4
:'''&quot;Mom&quot;''': Check out Arthur online at pbskids.org. Remember, you can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 5-6
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskids.org or America Online Keyword: PBS KIDS. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 7-8
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskids.org or America Online Keyword: PBS KIDS. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.


From Seasons 9-12
:'''D.W.''': Visit us online at pbskidsgo.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.


From Seasons 13-15
:'''D.W.''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskidsgo.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 16-17
:'''Arthur''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskids.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

From Seasons 18-25
:'''Buster''': To watch more Arthur and play games with all the Elwood City friends, visit pbskids.org. You can find Arthur books and lots of other books, too, at your local library.

==Specials==
===''Arthur's Perfect Christmas''===
:'''D.W.''': Stop! This is Santa’s cookies. The kids to have to get lumps of coal, Arthur Read. Follow me.

===''Arthur: It's Only Rock and Roll''===
:'''Francine''': What are you doing?! You have to stop listening to this rot. It's destroying your brain!
:'''Muffy''': WHAT?!? Are you talking about the Backstreet Boys, the ones who are coming to town in four weeks, six days, and fifty-  ''(looks at watch.)'' seven minutes?
:'''Francine''': Uh-huh. Rot. Maybe they were good once, but now they're just sellouts. ''(holding a remote to mute the audio.)'' Look at them!
:'''Muffy''': I know. Aren't they cute?

===''Arthur's Missing Pal''===


===''D.W. and The Beastly Birthday''===


===''Arthur and The Haunted Treehouse''===


===''An Arthur Thanksgiving''===
:'''David''': ''[pauses; Pal trying to eat Brussels sprouts]'' Pal, no!
:'''Arthur''': ''[to Pal]'' Down, boy!

===''The Rhythm and Roots of Arthur''===

===''Arthur's First Day''===

==Soundtrack==

==Featured Cast==
*Michael Yarmush - Arthur (Seasons 1-5, Arthur's Perfect Christmas)
*Justin Bradley - Arthur (Season 6)
*Mark Rendall - Arthur (Seasons 7, 8)
*Cameron Ansell - Arthur (Seasons 9-11)
*Dallas Jokic - Arthur (Seasons 12-15)
*Drew Adkins - Arthur (Seasons 16, 17)
*William Healy - Arthur (Seasons 18, 19)
*Jacob Ursomarzo - Arthur (Seasons 20, 21)
*Roman Lutterotti - Arthur (Seasons 22-25)

==External links== 
{{wikipedia|Arthur (TV series)}}
*[http://pbskids.org/arthur/ Official Website]
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169414/ IMDb]
*[http://www.tv.com/arthur/show/2804/summary.html TV.com]

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]]
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[[Category:PBS shows]]
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[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
      <sha1>9awzrtj6x8lzm652n7740yejef9ig4r</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>RoboCop</title>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:53:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Dronebogus</username>
        <id>3078761</id>
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      <text bytes="29372" sha1="l8e6h9vdg8jcfbi6l8e5d0tg7730637" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Robocop_1.png|thumb|Part Man. Part Machine. All Cop.]]
[[File:C2E2_2016_-_Robocop_%2825684319260%29.jpg|thumb|Dead or alive, you're coming with me.]]
[[File:You_have_20_seconds_to_comply._%282423554%29.jpg|thumb|Please put down your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply.]]
[[File:Robocop (47840163182).jpg|thumb|Come quietly or there will be trouble.]]
'''''[[w:RoboCop|RoboCop]]''''' is a [[w:1987 in film|1987]] [[w:science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:action film|action film]], directed by [[w:Paul Verhoeven|Paul Verhoeven]]. It features a [[w:dystopia|dystopian]] near-future, set in [[w:Detroit|Detroit]], [[w:Michigan|Michigan]]. [[w:Violent crime|Violent crime]] is out of control, and the city is in [[w:bankrupt|financial ruin]]. The city hires the [[w:megacorporation|megacorporation]] [[w:Omni Consumer Products|Omni Consumer Products]] (OCP) to operate the police department, in effect [[w:privatization|privatizing]] it. OCP is interested in rebuilding &quot;Old Detroit&quot; and replacing it with what they call &quot;Delta City&quot;. Before this large construction project can begin, OCP wishes to end crime in the city, and creates RoboCop.

{{center|'''The future of law enforcement.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Jones directs Kinney to threaten ED-209. Kinney points a gun at the robot, which immediately aims its weapons at him.]''
:'''ED-209''': ''Please put down your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply.''
:'''Jones''': I think you'd better do what he says, Mr. Kinney.
:''[Alarmed, Kinney quickly tosses the gun away. ED-209 steps forward and growls menacingly.]''
:'''ED-209''': ''You now have 15 seconds to comply. You are in direct violation of Penal Code 1.13, Section 9.''
:''[Everyone in the room panics; Kinney tries to hide among them, but is pushed back into open range]''
:'''ED-209''': ''You have 5 seconds to comply. 4. 3. 2. 1. I am now authorized to use physical force!'' ''[Violently shoots Kinney repeatedly until one of the technicians pulls the plug, shutting down ED-209]''
:'''Bob Morton''': Somebody wanna call a goddamn paramedic?! Let's go, Johnson!
:'''Donald Johnson''': Did you pull the plug on this thing?
:''[As one of the staff members tries to touch Kinney]''
:'''Donald Johnson''': Don't touch him. DON'T TOUCH HIM! ''[dialling the phone]'' He didn't hear it?!
:'''The Old Man''': ''[to Dick Jones]'' Dick, I'm ''very'' disappointed.
:'''Dick Jones''': I'm sure it's only a glitch. A temporary setback.
:'''The Old Man''': You call this a ''glitch?!'' We're scheduled to begin construction in six months. Your temporary setback could cost us 50 million dollars in interest payments alone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clarence Boddicker and his crew are fleeing an armed robbery]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' ''[opening up boxes of charred money]'' Shit! I don't believe it!
:'''Bobby:''' What?
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' You! You burnt the fucking money!
:'''Bobby:''' I had to blow the door! What do you want?
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' It's as good as marked, you asshole! ''[throws the money in Bobby's face]'' You stupid, stupid asshole! ''[Emil, the driver, pounds the dashboard]''
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' CLARENCE!
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' What do you want?!
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' We've got a cop on our tail! ''[The gang members pump their shotguns. Leon Nash walks over to the back window, looks out and sees Murphy and Lewis's police car behind them]''
:'''Leon Nash:''' Move it! Bring it up!
:'''Joe P. Cox:''' Move it!
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' Hey, hey! This crate ain't going to outrun a cop!
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Slow down, then!
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' What, are you crazy, man?! ''[Boddicker strikes Emil with his fists]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Shut the fuck up and do it! Just do it!
:''[Cut to Murphy and Lewis in the cruiser]''
:'''Alex Murphy:''' Central, this is 1-5-4. We are in pursuit of 2-1-1 suspects. Request backup.
:'''Dispatcher:''' Roger, 1-5-4. Back up is currently unavailable.
:'''Alex Murphy:''' ''[to Lewis]'' Give me your piece. ''[He straps on his helmet and loads his and Lewis's pistols]''
:'''Dispatcher:''' Backup ETA, 15 minutes.
:''[Cut to the panel truck]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Bobby, get the door! Everybody load up!
:'''Leon C. Nash:''' All right, let's go! Come on! ''[Everybody checks their weapons and aims them at the back doors]''
:'''Alex Murphy:''' OK!
:'''Anne Lewis:''' All right. Go. ''[Murphy leans his head out the window, and the police car catches up to the panel truck]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' NOW! ''[Bobby kicks open the back doors and the gang opens fire, only to notice the police car has vanished]''
:'''Leon C. Nash:''' What the fuck? Where did he go?!
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Emil!
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' ''[looks out the passenger's window]'' Here! He's up here! ''[Murphy and Lewis are driving right next to the truck. Boddicker fires his shotgun out the window, and Murphy fires back]''
:'''Gang members:''' Jesus!
:''[The police car falls back behind the panel truck. Murphy continues shooting, until Bobby falls, hit in the legs]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Get him! ''[Nash rushes over to the back door and fires, bullets hitting the roof lights and cracking the windshield]''
:'''Bobby:''' Ah, shit, Clarence! My leg!
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Leon! Pick him up!
:''[Murphy, outside, reloads his pistol. Inside, the gang members pull Bobby to his feet]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Can you fly, Bobby?
:'''Bobby:''' Clarence, no! ''[The gang members heave Bobby out the doors and he lands on the police car's windshield. Lewis panics, and spins out]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the abandoned warehouse, Lewis catches Boddicker gang member Joe Cox urinating.]''
:'''Anne Lewis''': Okay. Let's see those hands, nice and easy.
:'''Joe Cox''': Sure. Mind if I… zip this up?
:''[Lewis takes his eyes of him for a second; Cox punches Lewis off the catwalk]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Emil reaches for a shotgun after Murphy kills his TV watching friend Dougy]''
:'''Alex Murphy''': Go ahead and do it. Dead or alive, you're coming with me. ''[on radio]'' Lewis? Lewis? Lewis, I've got a situation here. ''[to Emil]'' Okay, tough guy, get up. Get up! Turn around. Spread your legs! That's right. ''[Murphy hoists Emil to his feet and turns him around]''
:''[Lewis stumbles to her feet as she recovers from being pushed down by Joe Cox]''
:'''Alex Murphy:''' ''[on radio]'' Lewis, where are you? Are you all right? ''[Murphy is holding his pistol to the back of Emil's head]'' Put your hands on your head. Lewis? ''[He takes out his handcuffs, only to hear shotguns being pumped. He looks up and sees Steve Minh and Leon Nash standing at the top of two different staircases]''
:'''Leon C. Nash:''' Why don't you let us take over from here, Emil? ''[Emil spins, grabs Murphy's pistol and throws it in a container. Nash and Minh advance down the steps, shotguns trained on Murphy. As they approach, Emil grabs his own shotgun, pumps it, and puts the barrel to Murphy's neck]''
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' Your ass is mine!
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' No! Not yet, it ain't.
:''[Boddicker enters the room, holding a shotgun in his hand]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Well what have we here? ''[He unbuckles Murphy's helmet and puts it on Emil]'' You a good cop, hotshot? ''[Emil chuckles]'' Well sure you are! ''[steps to Murphy's right side]'' Boy, you must be some kind of a...''great'' cop, coming here all by yourself.
:''[Boddicker hits Murphy in the legs with the butt of his weapon]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Where's your partner? ''[kicks Murphy]'' Where's your partner?! ''[Joe Cox enters]''
:'''Joe P. Cox''': Well, guys, the other one was upstairs. She was swe-e-e-e-e-e-t, oom, oom, oom! I took her out! ''[cackles]''
:''[Boddicker kicks Murphy again and Cox pumps his shotgun]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' I bet that ''really'' pisses you off. ''[a gang member chuckles]'' You probably don't think I'm a very nice guy, do ya?
:'''Alex Murphy''': Buddy, I think you're slime. ''[The gang members laugh loudly]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': See, I got this problem. Cops don't like me. So I don't like ''cops''. ''[aims his shotgun across Murphy]'' Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na...''[shoots off Murphy's right hand]'' Well, give the man a hand!
:''[The gang members laugh. Murphy clutches his bleeding right stump with his left hand]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' He's all yours. ''[Murphy stands up and attempts to limp away]''
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' All right, look out! Turn around! ''[to Murphy]'' Hey, pretty boy! Hey, over here! ''[Murphy turns around and Emil fires his shotgun, Murphy's entire arm comes off. Murphy screams as the gang proceeds to empty their shotguns into him]''
:'''Joe P. Cox:''' I'm out of ammo.
:''[Boddicker casually lights a cigarette]''
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky:''' Hey Clarence, he's still alive. ''[Murphy screams in agony]''
:'''Joe P. Cox:''' ''[in singsong voice]'' Does it hurt? Does it hurt? ''[The gang members laugh]''
:''[Boddicker walks over and produces a pistol]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker:''' Okay, fun's over. ''[shoots Murphy in the face; Murphy drops dead]'' Okay, let's get out of here.
:'''Joe P. Cox''': [[w:Hamlet|Good night, sweet prince]]! ''[laughs as he and the gang depart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The RoboCop team wheels their equipment into the station as a drunk talks to the desk sergeant.]''
:'''Prisoner''': I-I'm what you call a repeat offender. I repeat, I will offend again! I get my orders from a higher source.
:'''Sergeant Warren Reed''': Shut up, asshole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Staring at the not-yet-revealed-to-the-audience RoboCop.]''
:'''Bob Morton''': You're going to be a bad motherfucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Morton tests his new creation.]''
:'''Bob Morton''': What are your prime directives?
:'''RoboCop''': Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Uphold the law.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob Morton is washing his hands in an OCP bathroom when Dick Jones shows up behind him]''
:'''Dick Jones''': Congratulations, Bob. I remember when I was a young executive at this company. We used to call the old man funny names. &quot;Iron Butt&quot;, &quot;Boner&quot;, once I even called him... &quot;asshole&quot;. But there was always respect. I always knew where the line was drawn. And you just stepped over it, buddy-boy. You've insulted me. And you've insulted this company with that bastard creation of yours. I had a guaranteed military sale with ED-209. Renovation program. Spare parts for 25 years. Who cares if it worked or not?
:'''Bob Morton''': The old man thought it was pretty important... ''Dick''.
:'''Dick Jones''': You know... he's a sweet old man. And he means well. But he's not gonna live forever. And I'm number two around here. Pretty simple math, huh, Bob? You just... fucked with the wrong guy!
:'''Bob Morton''': You're out of your fucking mind!
:'''Dick Jones''': You better pray... that that unholy monster of yours doesn't screw up. I'm cashing you out, Bob Morton.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Repeated line from a TV program.]''
:'''Bixby Snyder''': I'd buy that for a dollar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[RoboCop calmly bashes a violent convenience-store robber, then turns to the proprietors.]''
:'''RoboCop''': Thank you for your cooperation. Good night.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[RoboCop stops a rape attempt by firing through the woman's dress into the testicles of one rapist, then turns to the other.]''
:'''RoboCop''': Your move, creep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Former city councilman Ron Miller is holding the mayor hostage. The negotiator is trying to stall him as RoboCop makes his way up]''
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': ''[on megaphone]'' Okay, Miller. Don't hurt the mayor; we'll give you what you want.
:'''Ron Miller''': First, don't fuck with me! I'm a desperate man! And second, I want some fresh coffee. And third, I want a recount! And no matter how it turns out, I want my old job back!
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': Okay.
:'''Ron Miller''': And I want a bigger office! And I want a new car! And I want the ''city'' to pay for it all!
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': What kind of car, Miller?
:'''Ron Miller''': Something with reclining leather seats, that goes really fast, and gets really shitty gas mileage!
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': How about the, uh, 6000 SUX?
:'''Ron Miller''': Yeah! Okay, sure! What about cruise control? Does it come with cruise control?
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': Hey, no problem, Miller. Let the mayor go, we'll even throw in a Blaupunkt. ''[beat]''
:'''Ron Miller''': ''[angrily]'' Lieutenant, don't jerk me off! When people jerk me off, I kill them! You wanna see?! ''[Walks over to the mayor]'' Get up. Get up, your honor. Get up. Get up! Your public wants to see you. ''[He pulls the mayor to the window and puts his submachine gun to his head]'' Nobody ever takes me seriously! Well, get serious now, and kiss the mayor's ass goodbye!
:''[RoboCop punches through the wall behind Miller, grabs him and pulls him backwards, his gun firing wildly into the ceiling. RoboCop then spins Miller and punches him out a glass window where he falls to the pavement]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reporter''': Robo, excuse me, Robo! Any special message for all the kids watching at home?
:'''RoboCop''': Stay out of trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''RoboCop''': Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere, there is a crime happening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[RoboCop confronts Antonowsky, holding up a gas station.]''
:'''RoboCop''': Drop it! Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
:'''Emil Antonowsky''': I know you. You're dead! We killed you! We killed you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clarence enters Bob Morton's house, draws a gun on him and brings him into his living room, where he notices two women are sitting down.]
:'''Clarence Boddiker''': Bitches, leave!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boddicker meets with Sal in the latter's drug factory.]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': I dunno, I dunno, maybe I'm just not making myself clear. I don't want to fuck with you, Sal, but I've got the connections, I've got the sales organization, I got the muscle to shove enough of this factory so far up your stupid wop ass, that you'll shit snow for a year!
:'''Sal''': Frankie, blow this cocksucker's head off.
:''[Sal's men pull weapons on Boddicker and his crew, who draw their own weapons.]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Ooh, guns, guns, guns! Come on, Sal! The Tigers are playing... ''[slaps the table]'' tonight! I never miss a game.
:''[Then Sal jesters his men to lower their guns]''
:'''Sal''': ''[chuckles]'' Just kidding.
: . . .
:''[RoboCop bashes his way into the factory.]''
:'''RoboCop''': Come quietly or there will be trouble.
:'''Steve Minh''': Aww, fuck you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[RoboCop enters Dick Jones's office to arrest him.]''
:'''Dick Jones''': You know, I usually don't see anybody without an appointment, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
:'''RoboCop''': You are under arrest.
:'''Dick Jones''': Oh? On what charge?
:'''RoboCop''': Aiding and abetting a known felon.
:'''Dick Jones''': Sounds like I'm in a lot of trouble. ''[holds out hands, as if preparing to be cuffed]'' You'd better take me in!
:'''RoboCop''': I will.
:''[But before he can do so, &quot;Directive 4&quot; interferes with RoboCop's attempt to arrest Jones]''
:'''Dick Jones''': What's the matter, officer? I'll tell you what's the matter. It's a little insurance policy called &quot;Directive 4&quot;. My little contribution to your psychological profile. Any attempt to arrest a senior officer of OCP results in ''shutdown''. What did you think? That you were an ordinary police officer? You're our ''product''. And we can't very well have our products turning against us, can we?
:''[Writhing, Robocop briefly manages to hold up his gun]''
:'''Dick Jones''': Ah. Still a little fight left in you. Maybe you'd like to meet a friend of mine?
:''[Jones picks up and activates a remote; ED-209 enters the room]''
:'''Dick Jones''': I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to ''erase'' that mistake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Hey, Dickey-boy, how's tricks?
:'''Dick Jones''': That ''thing'' is still alive.
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Dick Jones''': The police officer who arrested you, the one you spilled your guts to.
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Hey, take a look at my face, ''Dick!'' He was trying to kill me!
:'''Dick Jones''': He's a cyborg, you idiot! He recorded every word you said! His memories are admissable as evidence! You ''involved'' me! You're gonna have to kill it.
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Well, listen, chief...your company ''built'' the fucking thing! Now I gotta deal with it?! I don't have time for this bullshit! ''[heads for the door]''
:'''Dick Jones''': Suit yourself, Clarence. But Delta City begins construction in two months. That's two million workers living in trailers. That means drugs. Gambling. Prostitution. ''[Boddicker stops, backtracks into the room]'' Virgin territory for the man who knows how to open up new markets. One man could control it all, Clarence.
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Well, I guess we're gonna be friends after all… ''Richard''.
:''[Jones tosses Boddicker RoboCop's tracker.]''
:'''Dick Jones''': Destroy it.
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Gonna need some major firepower. You got access to military weaponry?
:'''Dick Jones''': We practically ''are'' the military.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Cobra Assault Cannon! State of the art &quot;bang-bang&quot;!
:''[Emil takes the launcher from Clarence and blows up a store with it]''
:'''Emil M. Antonowsky''': I LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boddicker spears RoboCop with a sharp metal pole.]''
:'''Clarence Boddicker''': Sayonara, RoboCop!
:''[RoboCop spears Boddicker's neck with his data spike.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Seriously wounded, Lewis and RoboCop look at each other across a muddy pit.]''
:'''Lewis''': Murphy! I'm a mess!
:'''RoboCop''': They'll fix you. They fix ''everything''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robocop forces the doors open on a high level conference meeting of OCP senior personnel.]''
:'''Old Man''': How can we help you, officer?
:'''Robocop''': Dick Jones is wanted for murder.
:'''Dick Jones''': This is absurd! That...''thing''...is a violent, mechanical psychopath!
:'''Robocop''': My program will not allow me to act against an officer of this company.
:'''Old Man''': These are serious charges. What is your evidence?
:''[Robocop moves toward the TV monitors, and plays back Dick Jones's statement.]''
:'''Dick Jones''': ''[on recording]'' I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake; now it's time to erase that mistake.
:''[Robocop plays the recording repeatedly. Jones grabs the Old Man and uses him as a human shield while holding a gun to his head.]''
:'''Dick Jones''': I want a chopper! ''Now!'' We will walk to the roof, very calmly! I will board the chopper with my hostage. Anybody tries to stop me, the old geezer gets it!
:''[Robocop aims his firearm in the general direction of Dick Jones, but makes no attempt to shoot him.]''
:'''The Old Man''': Dick, you're ''fired!''
:''[Directive 4 disappears from RoboCop's vision.]''
:'''RoboCop''': Thank you.
:''[The Old Man elbows Jones in the stomach and gets away. RoboCop shoots Jones several times, eventually blowing him out a window.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lt. Hedgecock and his team betrays Detroit Police and following Dick Jones' orders to destroy Robocop]''
:'''Kaplan''':''[shouts]'' Hey wait a second!
:'''Manson''':''[furiously]'' He's a cop for god's sake!
:'''Ramirez''': Hedgecock you can't do that!
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': We had orders to destroy it.
:'''Manson''': Ah shit!
:'''Kaplan''':''[disgusted and walks off with Manson and the others]'' You're maniacs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robocop escapes into parking level 3 and a police car stops in front of him]''
:'''Anne Lewis''': ''[climbs out of her car to a damaged Robocop]'' Murphy! Murphy, it's me! Lewis. [Robocop lifts his arm to Lewis and helps him board on her car]
:'''Lt. Hedgecock's man 1''': ''[notices Anne Lewis and Robocop]'' Lieutenant! Level 3! He's on Level 3!
:'''Lt. Hedgecock's man 2''': Over here! ''[Anne Lewis boards her car]''
:'''Lt. Hedgecock''': Open fire! ''[Anne Lewis drives her car as her former comrade and his men open fire]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Old Man:''' ''[to RoboCop]'' Nice shootin', son. What's your name?
:'''RoboCop:''' ''[stops and turns around; to Old Man]'' Murphy. ''[warmly smiles and walks out]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Peter Weller|Peter Weller]] — Officer Alex J. Murphy/RoboCop
* [[w:Nancy Allen (actress)|Nancy Allen]] — Officer Anne Lewis
* [[w:Dan O'Herlihy|Dan O'Herlihy]] — The Old Man
* [[w:Ronny Cox|Ronny Cox]] — Dick Jones
* [[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] — Clarence Boddicker
* [[w:Miguel Ferrer|Miguel Ferrer]] — Bob Morton
* [[w:Robert DoQui|Robert DoQui]] — Sergeant Warren Reed
* [[w:Ray Wise|Ray Wise]] — Leon Nash
* [[w:Paul McCrane|Paul McCrane]] — Emil Antonowsky
* [[w:Jesse D. Goins|Jesse D. Goins]] — Joe Cox
* Lee de Broux — Sal
* Mark Carlton — Ron Miller
* Gene Wolande — Prisoner
* S.D. Nemeth — Bixby Snyder
* Del Zamora — Kaplan
* Yolanda Williams — Ramirez
* Edward Edwards - Manson
* [[w:Jon Davison|Jon Davison]] — ED-209 (voice)

== Taglines ==
* Part Man. Part Machine. All Cop.
* The future of law enforcement.

== About ''RoboCop''==
[[File:Pittsburgh-steel-company-monessen-works-blast-furnace-no-1-and-no-2-donner-7.jpg|thumb|It is very interesting if you read in the [[Gospels]] about [[Jesus]] being [[resurrected]]. He doesn’t say anything anymore. It is monosyllabic. But he, after resurrection, expresses himself monosyllabic with phrases of five or ten words. If you look at “Robocop,” that’s what he does. If you look at his eyes, you slowly start to see what he sees. Most things he says is, put down your weapon or whatever. At the end of the movie, because I was living in the [[United States]], the metaphor is that he’s [[w:Walking on water|walking on water]]. In the front of the water there are the walls of an abandoned steel factory, where we shot. You can see the walls like the walls of [[Troy]] or [[Jerusalem]]. I put grit under the water so he could walk on water. To make him into an American Jesus, he turns to the bad guy and says, “I’m not going to arrest you anymore. I’m going to kill you.” That for me was the American Jesus. ~ [[w:Paul Verhoeven|Paul Verhoeven]]]]
*'''Do you find [[Jesus]] in your films?''' &lt;br&gt; “RoboCop” has a [[metaphor]] of Jesus. The reason I did it was because, for me, there were two metaphors. One is really [[Paradise Lost]], which is when he comes to his house. He is already “RoboCop.” He doesn’t know who he is. He goes to his house and gets flashes of something wonderful that was there. His wife and his child, and the love of them. That’s lost paradise. He cannot touch, it but it was there. When I made it, this was important to me. It was the decision moment to me. I see this metaphor of Paradise Lost and standing at the Gates of [[Eden]]. The other metaphor, is that there is a [[resurrection]]. That is why he gets killed in an even more brutal way, because I felt that was a metaphor of crucifixion. Murphy gets killed and resurrects. He is dead and resurrected with another brain. &lt;br&gt; It is very interesting if you read in the [[Gospels]] about Jesus being resurrected. He doesn’t say anything anymore. It is monosyllabic. But he, after resurrection, expresses himself monosyllabic with phrases of five or ten words. If you look at “Robocop,” that’s what he does. If you look at his eyes, you slowly start to see what he sees. Most things he says is, put down your weapon or whatever. At the end of the movie, because I was living in the [[United States]], the metaphor is that he’s [[w:Walking on water|walking on water]]. In the front of the water there are the walls of an abandoned steel factory, where we shot. You can see the walls like the walls of [[Troy]] or [[Jerusalem]]. I put grit under the water so he could walk on water. To make him into an American Jesus, he turns to the bad guy and says, “I’m not going to arrest you anymore. I’m going to kill you.” That for me was the American Jesus.
** [[w:Paul Verhoeven|Paul Verhoeven]] as interviewed by Liza Foreman, [https://theplaylist.net/paul-verhoeven-talks-elle-robocop-jesus-metaphor-infamous-scene-basic-instinct-interview-20161213/ Paul Verhoeven Talks ‘Elle,’ ‘RoboCop’ As Jesus Metaphor, The Infamous Scene In ‘Basic Instinct’ &amp; More [Interview]&quot;], ''The Playlist'', (December 13, 2016)

* It’s certainly the most challenging role I’ve ever done. To bring that alive, much of it is thanks to Moni Yakim [the head of the Movement Department at Juilliard], Moni Yakim, the writers [Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner], and Paul Verhoeven. That quadrant of people all infused to make that thing, and Rob Bottin, the makeup artist, and Stephan Dupuis, the guy who put on the prosthetics. I dunno, that was just… I knew I was making a good film. When I met Paul Verhoeven in a hotel room in New York, I knew that, because Paul was directing it, it was going to be great. I knew it was going to have something of a moral opera in it and that he was not going to miss the universal morality in this. He was not going to just make an action movie. And it’s a very funny movie and a brilliant sort of social commentary. When I met Verhoeven, I’d seen all his movies, and I just knew he’d be fantastic. And to be feeling the feelings I felt when I met him… I mean, he was intimidating, but I knew that, with his expertise, he’d be executing something non-ephemeral and awakening certain aspects of social morality that’ll last. That movie will be around forever, man.
** [[w:Peter Weller|Peter Weller]] [http://www.avclub.com/article/peter-weller-on-feminism-sequels-and-more-102818 &quot;Peter Weller on Feminism Sequels and More&quot;] by Will Harris, ''AV Club'', Sep 13, 2013.

* I feel good about playing a robot in that I’m playing a human being who has been transformed into a cyborg. Aside from the action-adventure, the corruption, corporate machinery gone berserk and so on, the heart of all this is a morality tale. It’s like [[Beauty and the Beast]], or the Tin Man of [[The Wizard of Oz]]. It’s a great little jewel of a human story.
** Peter Weller, &quot;Code Name: RoboCop&quot; by Eric Niderost ''StarLog Magazine'' as quoted by [http://robocoparchive.com/info/actorinterviews3.htm ''Robocop Database'']

* I worked with a mime for four months. We wanted to take a human being and transform him into a robot, walking in a suit in such a way that was stylized, attractive, yet computerized and the mechanical without being ‘mimelike.’ In essence, we wanted to have some humanity breathe through this robotic thing.
** Peter Weller, &quot;Code Name: RoboCop&quot; by Eric Niderost ''StarLog Magazine'' as quoted by [http://robocoparchive.com/info/actorinterviews3.htm ''Robocop Database'']

* The guys that shot me are part of the military-industrial complex. These ‘powers that be’ manage the police force and are also behind the cybernetic cop idea. They are also the people who are feeding the drug wars, so they can build more robots and fight the drug wars they themselves created! All these people are guilty-not only the people who shot me, but the people who made me, too. When they realize that Robo has found out the truth about them, they try to kill me.
** Peter Weller, &quot;Code Name: RoboCop&quot; by Eric Niderost ''StarLog Magazine'' as quoted by [http://robocoparchive.com/info/actorinterviews3.htm ''Robocop Database'']

* ''RoboCop'', a futuristic story about a policeman shot to death and then revived after all parts of his body have been replaced by artificial substitutes, introduces a more tragic note: the hero who finds himself literally &quot;between two deaths&quot;—clinically dead and at the same time provided with a new, mechanical body—starts to remember fragments of his previous, &quot;human&quot; life and thus undergoes a process of resubjectivication, changing gradually back from pure incarnated drive to a being of desire. (...) [I]f there is a phenomenon that fully deserves to be called the &quot;fundamental fantasy of contemporary mass culture,&quot; it is this fantasy of the return of the living dead: the fantasy of a person who does not want to stay dead but returns again and again to pose a threat to the living.
** [[Slavoj Žižek]], ''Looking Awry: An Introduction to Jacques Lacan through Popular Culture'', p. 22. &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|026274015X}}&lt;/small&gt;

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{imdb title | id=0093870 | title=RoboCop}}

{{RoboCop}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Cyberpunk films]]
[[Category:Technology films]]
[[Category:1980s American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Medical films]]
[[Category:Cybernetics in films]]
[[Category:Robot films]]
[[Category:Films about drugs]]
[[Category:Films about amnesia]]
[[Category:Paul Verhoeven films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Splatter films]]
[[Category:Films set in Detroit]]
[[Category:Films about artificial intelligence]]
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      <text bytes="47848" sha1="q5f5z1gbwlwwkktcila62vuentzs18t" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William Kingdon Clifford by John Collier.jpg|thumb|right|It is [[wrong]] always, everywhere, and for anyone, to [[believe]] anything upon insufficient [[evidence]].]]
'''[[w:William Kingdon Clifford|William Kingdon Clifford]]''' ([[May 4]], [[1845]] – [[March 3]], [[1879]]) was an English mathematician and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
[[File:PSM V15 D156 William Kingdon Clifford.jpg|thumb|right| However convinced you were of the [[justice]] of your cause and the [[truth]] of your convictions, you ought not to have made a public attack upon any man's [[character]] until you had examined the [[evidence]] on both sides with the utmost [[patience]] and care.]]

* '''It is a very serious thing to consider that not only the [[earth]] itself and all that [[beautiful]] face of [[Nature]] we see, but also the living things upon it, and all the [[consciousness]] of men, and the [[ideas]] of [[society]], which have grown up upon the surface, must come to an [[end]].''' We who hold that [[belief]] must just face the [[fact]] and make the best of it; and I think we are helped in this by the words of that [[Jew]] [[philosopher]] who was himself a worthy crown to the splendid achievements of his race in the cause of [[progress]] during the middle ages, [[Benedict Spinoza]]. He said, &quot;The freeman thinks of nothing so little as of [[death]], and his contemplation is not of death but of [[life]].&quot; Our interest, it seems to me, lies with so much of the past as may serve to guide our actions in the present, and to intensify our pious allegiance to the fathers who have gone before us, and the brethren who are with us; and our interest lies with so much of the future as we may hope will be appreciably affected by our [[good]] [[actions]] now. Beyond that, as it seems to me, we do not know, and we ought not to care. '''Do I seem to say, &quot;Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die?&quot; Far from it; on the contrary, I say, &quot;Let us take [[hands]] and [[help]], for this day we are alive together.&quot; '''
** [[s:Popular Science Monthly/Volume 7/July 1875/The First and the Last Catastrophe|&quot;The First and the Last Catastrophe&quot; in ''Popular Science Monthly'' (Vol.  7, (July 1875)]]

* '''We ought not to teach to little children, as a known fact, that which is not a known fact.'''
** [[https://archive.org/details/lecturesessaysby02clif/page/294/mode/1up Lectures and essays (1879), vol. 2, p. 294]]

* '''The''' name '''philosopher''', which meant originally 'lover of wisdom,' has come in some strange way to mean a man who thinks it is his business to explain everything in a certain number of large books. It will be found, I think, that '''in proportion to his colossal ignorance is the perfection and symmetry of the system which he sets up; because it is so much easier to put an empty room tidy than a full one.'''
** As quoted by A. D'Abro, ''[https://archive.org/details/TheEvolutionOfScientificThought The Evolution of Scientific Thought from Newton to Einstein]'' (1927)

=== [[s:On the Space-Theory of Matter|On the Space-Theory of Matter]] (read Feb 21, 1870) ===
from the ''Cambridge Philosophical Society's Proceedings'' II (1876) pp. 157-158

* [[w:Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]] has shewn that as there are different kinds of lines and surfaces, so there are different kinds of space of three dimensions; and that we can only find out by experience to which of these kinds the space in which we live belongs. In particular, the axioms of plane geometry are true within the limits of experiment on the surface of a sheet of paper, and yet we know that the sheet is really covered with a number of small ridges and furrows, upon which (the total curvature not being zero) these axioms are not true. Similarly, he says although the axioms of solid geometry are true within the limits of experiment for finite portions of our space, yet we have no reason to conclude that they are true for very small portions; and if any help can be got thereby for the explanation of physical phenomena, we may have reason to conclude that they are not true for very small portions of space.
** Abstract

* I hold in fact&lt;br /&gt;(1) That small portions of space ''are'' in fact of a nature analogous to little hills on a surface which is on the average flat; namely, that the ordinary laws of geometry are not valid in them.&lt;br /&gt;(2) That this property of being curved or distorted is continually being passed on from one portion of space to another after the manner of a wave.&lt;br /&gt;(3) That this variation of the curvature of space is what really happens in that phenomenon which we call the ''motion of matter'', whether ponderable or etherial.&lt;br /&gt;(4) That in the physical world nothing else takes place but this variation, subject possibly to the law of continuity.
** Abstract

* I am endeavouring in a general way to explain the laws of [[w:Birefringence|double refraction]] on this hypothesis, but have not yet arrived at any results sufficiently decisive to be communicated.

=== &quot;On the Aims and Instruments of Scientific Thought&quot; (Aug 19, 1872) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Lecture before the members of the [[w:British Science Association|British Association]] at Brighton, as quoted in ''Lectures and Essays by William Kingdon Clifford'' (1879) Vol. 1, [https://books.google.com/books?id=NBrPAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA155 pp. 155-157.]&lt;/small&gt;

* By scientific thought we mean the application of past experience to new circumstances by means of an observed order of events. By saying that this order of events is exact we mean that it is exact enough to correct experiments by, but we do not mean that it is theoretically or absolutely exact, because we do not know. The process of inference [is] in itself an assumption of uniformity, and... as the known exactness of the uniformity became greater, the [[wiktionary:stringency|stringency]] of the inference [is] increased. By saying that the order of events is reasonable we do not mean that everything has a purpose, or that everything can be explained, or that everything has a cause; for neither of these is true. But we mean that to every reasonable question there is an intelligible answer, which either we or posterity may know ''by the exercise of scientific thought''.
** 155-156.

* I specially wish you not to go away with the idea that the exercise of scientific thought is properly confined... When the Roman jurists applied their experience of Roman citizens to dealings between citizens and aliens, showing by the difference of their actions that they regarded the circumstances as essentially different, they laid the foundations of that great structure which has guided the social progress of Europe. That procedure was an instance of strictly scientific thought. When a poet finds that he has to move a strange new world which his predecessors have not moved; when, nevertheless, he catches fire from their flashes, arms from their armoury, [[wiktionary:sustentation|sustentation]] from their foot-prints, the procedure by which he applies old experience to new circumstances is nothing greater or less than scientific thought. When the moralist studying the conditions of society and the ideas of right and wrong which have come down to us from a time when war was the normal condition of man and success in war the only chance of survival, evolves from them the conditions and ideas which must accompany a time of peace, when the comradeship of equals is the condition of national success; the process by which he does this is scientific thought and nothing else.
** pp. 156-157.

* Remember, then, that [scientific thought] is the guide of action; that the truth which it arrives at is not that which we can ideally contemplate without error, but that which we may act upon without fear; and you cannot fail to see that scientific thought is not an accompaniment or condition of human progress, but human progress itself. And for this reason the question what its characters are... is the question of all questions for the human race.
** p. 157.

=== &quot;Energy and Force&quot; (Mar 28, 1873) ===
:&lt;small&gt;A previously unpublished lecture by Prof. Clifford before members of the {{w|Royal Institution}}, as described in ''Nature'' (May-Oct, 1880) Vol. 22, [https://books.google.com/books?id=V9RGAQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA122 pp. 122-124.] with an introduction by J. F. Moulton.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''No mathematician can give any meaning to language about [[matter]], [[force]], [[inertia]], used in text-books of mechanics.'''&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* '''[[Causality|Causation]] is defined by some modern philosophers as unconditional uniformity of succession''', e.g., existence of fire follows from putting a lighted match to the fuel.&lt;br /&gt;'''This idea must be got rid of to understand force. All universally true laws of nature are laws of co-existence, not succession.''' ...In every case the law at work is seen to be a law of co-existence, not succession.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* ''{{w|Momentum}}'' may be roughly described as quantity motion. A body moving at a speed of say twenty an hour, has a certain quantity of motion. If the body goes forty miles an hour there is twice as motion; or if twice as much matter goes twenty miles hour, there is also twice as much motion. Momentum is measured by the quantity of matter moving at a rate mass &lt;math&gt;\times&lt;/math&gt; velocity.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

*  '''[[Force]] cannot be explained without stating a law of nature concerning momentum''', viz.:—&lt;br /&gt;Suppose a body with a certain momentum to be the only body in the universe; it will go on with the same momentum.&lt;br /&gt;The case of bodies in contact is no exception to this law, but only a particular case. Here the change of motion is called ''pressure''. The case of bodies not in contact is illustrated by the motion of the earth about the sun [under the force of gravitation, as we call it].&lt;br /&gt;'''In all cases change of motion is connected by invariable laws with the position of surrounding bodies. Force''', then, has a definite direction [at every instant] at any point in space, and '''depends on the position of surrounding bodies, and may be described as the change of momentum of a body''' considered as '''depending upon its position relative to other things.''' It embodies the quality of direction as well as magnitude. In other words, '''it is a ''quantity having direction''.'''&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* '''Force''', defined as above, '''is not conserved''' at all. '''It may appear and disappear; it is continually being created and destroyed.''' &quot;Conservation of force&quot; is, mathematically speaking, a contradiction in terms.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* ''[[Energy]]'' [is of two kinds: 1. [[w:Kinetic energy|Energy of motion]]; 2. [[w:Potential energy|Energy of position]]].&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* 1. In a moving body we have a certain ''quantity of motion'' [as explained above under the head of momentum]. Thus in a moving railway train let the unit of motion be one carriage going at the rate of one mile per hour; then ten carriages going at the rate of twenty miles per hour have 200 units of motion. [The quantity of motion or momentum in a body may be regarded as travelling with the body, and] energy of motion is the ''rate at which momentum is carried along''. [It depends on momentum and velocity jointly, and the energy of motion of a given body] is known when the velocity is known. In practice it is convenient to call the actual amount of energy of motion half this rate. It is expressed by &lt;math&gt;\frac{1}{2}mv^2&lt;/math&gt; [i.e., &lt;math&gt;mv \times v&lt;/math&gt; not &lt;math&gt;m \times v^2&lt;/math&gt;; Clifford in conversation].&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* 2. Energy of position is quite a different thing. If take a book lying on the table and lift it up, and put on the desk above the table, it acquires energy of position, and the energy acquired is measured by the weight [assuming gravity to be constant] of the book measured by the difference of height between the two positions. [Energy of position, like force, may be said to exist any point of space, whether a body is there or not.] The difference of energy between two positions is the quantity of work that must be done to remove a body of unit from one position to the other.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* When a body is let fall from a higher position to lower one, it has, at the instant when it is let go, energy of motion; but it gains, in falling, as much energy of motion as it loses energy of position. It is found that the ''sum of energy of motion and energy of position is always constant''. ...'''Energy is a quantity which can be greater or less but has no direction.''' ...This constancy is expressed by including them in common name of Energy, and saying that '''energy is conserved, or is indestructible. This form of speech might be applied to other cases of alternate [[immortality]], where one of two things comes into existence on disappearance of the other.'''&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* Other qualities of bodies are connected with simple energy of motion and energy of position. Such is '''{{w|heat}}''', which we find by experiment '''can be turned into [[w:Work (physics)|work]]. Finding it convertible with energy, we call it a form of energy.''' ...But as to heat, it is further established by experiment that in this case the energy of motion does really persist as such. Thus a gas consists of molecules flying about with velocity, rotating and vibrating, and so having energy motion. All this energy of motion is what we call heat, and thus heat is a repetition of a known meaning of energy. Again, heat exists between a radiating body and the thing it warms; now the intermediate space is filled by the [[luminiferous ether]], which, being elastic, has in its ultimate parts both energy of motion energy of position. In these forms the heat exists in the space in question.&lt;!--pp. 123-124--&gt;

* In the cases of heat and electricity the form of the persisting energy is pretty well ascertained. But there are cases in which we do not know if it is energy of motion or energy position, such as that of ''{{w|chemical energy}}''. In the burning of coal there is a falling together of carbon and oxygen [and heat is produced] but we do not know in which of the two forms, if either, the energy which comes out as heat existed in the chemical process. For such a case the {{w|conservation of energy}} is only a probable statement (though of great probability) to the effect that '''in all cases where a physical quality is convertible with energy, that quality is itself either energy of motion or energy position.'''&lt;!--p. 124--&gt;

* ''General Results''.—Force is a quality of position, definite in magnitude and direction at any point; not constant.&lt;br /&gt;Energy is the name of two different quantities.&lt;br /&gt;1. Energy of motion, half the rate at which a body carries momentum.&lt;br /&gt;2. '''Energy of position, defined by the statement of the law that the work done in getting from one position to another is the same by whatever path the change of position is made.'''&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* Is a physical force, such as the attraction of earth, analogous to our &quot;exertion of force&quot; in muscular work? No, for the sensation of muscular effort is complicated. It involves nerve and muscle, which we know not to be present in the simpler cases, ''e.g.'', the motion of a stone let fall. To talk of ''pushing'' or ''pulling'' in such a case is a personification of external nature.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

* Is mind a force? It is held by some that the will acts as the match to gunpowder, by setting loose a store of energy, the matter of the brain being in unstable equilibrium. But you cannot have in nature an absolutely unstable equilibrium [''i.e.'', an equilibrium capable of being upset by an infinitesimal force], because the universe is not at rest [and every motion in the universe produces a finite change, however small, in the resultant force at every point of space]. Therefore if mind is force, operating in the way suggested, it must be able to create a determinate quantity of energy. This is a supposition which, if true, would destroy its own evidence; for it would destroy the uniformity of nature, on which all of inference ultimately rests.&lt;!--p. 123--&gt;

=== ''The Ethics of Belief'' (1877) ===
[[File:William Kingdon Clifford at desk.jpg|thumb|Our lives are guided by that general conception of the course of things which has been created by society for social purposes.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:The Ethics of Belief|Full text online at Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;  

==== The Duty of Inquiry ====
[[File:William Kingdon Clifford 2.JPG|thumb|right|[[Habitual]] want of [[care]] about what I [[believe]] leads to habitual want of care in others about the [[truth]] of what is told to me.]]
[[File:Clifford William Kingdon.jpg|thumb|right| It is [[wrong]] in all cases to [[believe]] on insufficient [[evidence]]; and where it is presumption to [[doubt]] and to investigate, there it is worse than presumption to believe.]]

* '''It might be said to the agitator, &quot;However convinced you were of the [[justice]] of your cause and the [[truth]] of your convictions, you ought not to have made a public attack upon any man's [[character]] until you had examined the [[evidence]] on both sides with the utmost [[patience]] and care.&quot;''' &lt;br /&gt; In the first place, let us admit that, so far as it goes, this view of the case is right and [[necessary]]; right, because even when a man's [[belief]] is so fixed that he cannot think otherwise, he still has a [[choice]] in the [[action]] suggested by it, and so cannot escape the [[duty]] of investigating on the ground of the [[strength]] of his convictions; and necessary, because those who are not yet capable of controlling their [[feelings]] and [[thoughts]] must have a plain [[rule]] dealing with overt [[action|acts]].

* '''No man holding a strong belief on one side of a question, or even wishing to hold a belief on one side, can investigate it with such fairness and completeness as if he were really in doubt and unbiased; so that the existence of a belief not founded on fair inquiry unfits a man for the performance of this necessary duty.''' &lt;br /&gt; Nor is it that truly a belief at all which has not some influence upon the actions of him who holds it. '''He who truly believes that which prompts him to an action has looked upon the action to lust after it, he has committed it already in his heart.''' If a belief is not realized immediately in open deeds, it is stored up for the guidance of the future. It goes to make a part of that aggregate of beliefs which is the link between sensation and action at every moment of all our lives, and which is so organized and compacted together that no part of it can be isolated from the rest, but every new addition modifies the structure of the whole. '''No real belief, however trifling and fragmentary it may seem, is ever truly insignificant; it prepares us to receive more of its like, confirms those which resembled it before, and weakens others; and so gradually it lays a stealthy train in our inmost thoughts, which may someday explode into overt action, and leave its stamp upon our [[character]] for ever.'''

* '''Our lives are guided by that general conception of the course of things which has been created by society for social purposes.''' Our words, our phrases, our forms and processes and modes of thought, are common property, fashioned and perfected from age to age; an heirloom which every succeeding generation inherits as a precious deposit and a sacred trust to be handled on to the next one, not unchanged but enlarged and purified, with some clear marks of its proper handiwork. Into this, for good or ill, is woven every belief of every man who has speech of his fellows. An awful privilege, and an awful responsibility, that we should help to create the world in which posterity will live.

* '''Belief, that sacred faculty which prompts the decisions of our will, and knits into harmonious working all the compacted energies of our being, is ours not for ourselves but for humanity. It is rightly used on truths which have been established by long experience and waiting toil, and which have stood in the fierce light of free and fearless questioning. Then it helps to bind men together, and to strengthen and direct their common action.''' It is desecrated when given to unproved and unquestioned statements, for the solace and private pleasure of the believer; to add a tinsel splendour to the plain straight road of our life and display a bright mirage beyond it; or even to drown the common sorrows of our kind by a self-deception which allows them not only to cast down, but also to degrade us. '''Whoso would deserve well of his fellows in this matter will guard the purity of his beliefs with a very fanaticism of jealous care, lest at any time it should rest on an unworthy object, and catch a stain which can never be wiped away.''' &lt;br /&gt; It is not only the leader of men, statesmen, philosopher, or poet, that owes this bounden duty to mankind. Every rustic who delivers in the village alehouse his slow, infrequent sentences, may help to kill or keep alive the fatal [[superstitions]] which clog his race. Every hard-worked wife of an artisan may transmit to her children beliefs which shall knit society together, or rend it in pieces. '''No simplicity of mind, no obscurity of station, can escape the universal duty of questioning all that we believe.''' &lt;br /&gt; It is true that this duty is a hard one, and the doubt which comes out of it is often a very bitter thing. It leaves us bare and powerless where we thought that we were safe and strong. To know all about anything is to know how to deal with it under all circumstances. We feel much happier and more secure when we think we know precisely what to do, no matter what happens, than when we have lost our way and do not know where to turn. And if we have supposed ourselves to know all about anything, and to be capable of doing what is fit in regard to it, we naturally do not like to find that we are really ignorant and powerless, that we have to begin again at the beginning, and try to learn what the thing is and how it is to be dealt with — if indeed anything can be learnt about it. '''It is the sense of power attached to a sense of knowledge that makes men desirous of believing, and afraid of doubting.'''

* '''A bad action is always bad at the time when it is done, no matter what happens afterwards. Every time we let ourselves believe for unworthy reasons, we weaken our powers of self-control, of doubting, of judicially and fairly weighing evidence.''' We all suffer severely enough from the maintenance and support of false beliefs and the fatally wrong actions which they lead to, and the evil born when one such belief is entertained is great and wide. '''But a greater and wider evil arises when the credulous character is maintained and supported, when a habit of believing for unworthy reasons is fostered and made permanent.''' If I steal money from any person, there may be no harm done from the mere transfer of possession; he may not feel the loss, or it may prevent him from using the money badly. But I cannot help doing this great wrong towards Man, that I make myself dishonest. '''What hurts society is not that it should lose its property, but that it should become a den of thieves, for then it must cease to be society.''' This is why we ought not to do evil, that good may come; for at any rate this great evil has come, that we have done evil and are made wicked thereby. In like manner, '''if I let myself believe anything on insufficient evidence, there may be no great harm done by the mere belief; it may be true after all, or I may never have occasion to exhibit it in outward acts. But I cannot help doing this great wrong towards Man, that I make myself credulous. The [[danger]] to [[society]] is not merely that it should believe wrong things, though that is great enough; but that it should become credulous, and lose the [[habit]] of [[testing]] things and inquiring into them; for then it must sink back into savagery.'''

* '''The harm which is done by credulity in a man is not confined to the fostering of a credulous character in others, and consequent support of false beliefs. Habitual want of care about what I believe leads to habitual want of care in others about the truth of what is told to me.''' Men speak the truth of one another when each reveres the truth in his own mind and in the other's mind; but how shall my friend revere the truth in my mind when I myself am careless about it, when I believe thing because I want to believe them, and because they are comforting and pleasant? Will he not learn to cry, &quot;Peace,&quot; to me, when there is no peace? By such a course I shall surround myself with a thick atmosphere of falsehood and fraud, and in that I must live. It may matter little to me, in my cloud-castle of sweet illusions and darling lies; but it matters much to Man that I have made my neighbours ready to deceive. '''The credulous man is father to the liar and the cheat; he lives in the bosom of this his family, and it is no marvel if he should become even as they are.'''

* '''To sum up: it is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence.''' &lt;br /&gt; If a man, holding a belief which he was taught in childhood or persuaded of afterwards, keeps down and pushes away any doubts which arise about it in his mind, purposely avoids the reading of books and the company of men that call into question or discuss it, and regards as impious those questions which cannot easily be asked without disturbing it--the life of that man is one long sin against mankind.

* '''Inquiry into the evidence of a doctrine is not to be made once for all, and then taken as finally settled. It is never lawful to stifle a [[doubt]]; for either it can be honestly answered by means of the inquiry already made, or else it proves that the inquiry was not complete.''' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But,&quot; says one, &quot;I am a busy man; I have no time for the long course of study which would be necessary to make me in any degree a competent judge of certain questions, or even able to understand the nature of the arguments.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; '''Then he should have no time to believe.'''

====The Weight Of Authority====
* We have no reason to fear lest a habit of conscientious inquiry should paralyse the actions of our daily life. &lt;br /&gt; But because it is not enough to say, &quot;It is wrong to believe on unworthy evidence,&quot; without saying also what evidence is worthy, we shall now go on to inquire under what circumstances it is lawful to believe on the testimony of others; and then, further, we shall inquire more generally when and why we may believe that which goes beyond our own experience, or even beyond the experience of mankind.

* In what cases, then, let us ask in the first place, is the testimony of a man unworthy of belief? He may say that which is untrue either knowingly or unknowingly. '''In the first case he is lying, and his moral character is to blame; in the second case he is ignorant or mistaken, and it is only his knowledge or his judgment which is in fault.''' In order that we may have the right to accept his testimony as ground for believing what he says, we must have reasonable grounds for trusting his veracity, that he is really trying to speak the truth so far as he knows it; his knowledge, that he has had opportunities of knowing the truth about this matter; and his judgment, that he has made proper use of those opportunities in coming to the conclusion which he affirms. &lt;br /&gt;''' However plain and obvious these reasons may be, so that no man of ordinary intelligence, reflecting upon the matter, could fail to arrive at them, it is nevertheless true that a great many persons do habitually disregard them in weighing testimony.''' Of the two questions, equally important to the trustworthiness of a witness, &quot;Is he dishonest?&quot; and &quot;May he be mistaken?&quot; the majority of mankind are perfectly satisfied if one can, with some show of probability, be answered in the negative. The excellent moral character of a man is alleged as ground for accepting his statements about things which he cannot possibly have known.

* '''It is hardly in human nature that a man should quite accurately gauge the limits of his own insight; but it is the [[duty]] of those who profit by his work to consider carefully where he may have been carried beyond it.''' If we must needs embalm his possible errors along with his solid achievements, and use his authority as an excuse for believing what he cannot have known, we make of his goodness an occasion to sin.

* The goodness and greatness of a man do not justify us in accepting a belief upon the warrant of his authority, unless there are reasonable grounds for supposing that he knew the truth of what he was saying. And there can be no grounds for supposing that a man knows that which we, without ceasing to be men, could not be supposed to verify.

* What shall we say of that authority, more venerable and august than any individual witness, the time-honoured tradition of the human race? '''An atmosphere of beliefs and conceptions has been formed by the labours and struggles of our forefathers, which enables us to breathe amid the various and complex circumstances of our life. It is around and about us and within us; we cannot think except in the forms and processes of thought which it supplies.''' Is it possible to doubt and to test it? and if possible, is it right? &lt;br /&gt; We shall find reason to answer that it is not only possible and right, but our bounden duty; that the main purpose of the tradition itself is to supply us with the means of asking questions, of testing and inquiring into things; that if we misuse it, and take it as a collection of cut-and-dried statements to be accepted without further inquiry, we are not only injuring ourselves here, but, by refusing to do our part towards the building up of the fabric which shall be inherited by our children, we are tending to cut off ourselves and our race from the human line.

* We have no right to believe a thing true because everybody says so unless there are good grounds for believing that some one person at least has the means of knowing what is true, and is speaking the truth so far as he knows it. However many nations and generations of men are brought into the witness-box they cannot testify to anything which they do not know. '''Every man who has accepted the statement from somebody else, without himself testing and verifying it, is out of court; his word is worth nothing at all. And when we get back at last to the true birth and beginning of the statement, two serious questions must be disposed of in regard to him who first made it: was he mistaken in thinking that he knew about this matter, or was he lying?'''

* '''In regard, then, to the sacred tradition of humanity, we learn that it consists, not in propositions or statements which are to be accepted and believed on the authority of the tradition, but in questions rightly asked, in conceptions which enable us to ask further questions, and in methods of answering questions. The value of all these things depends on their being tested day by day.''' The very sacredness of the precious deposit imposes upon us the duty and the responsibility of testing it, of purifying and enlarging it to the utmost of our power. '''He who makes use of its results to stifle his own doubts, or to hamper the inquiry of others, is guilty of a sacrilege which centuries shall never be able to blot out. When the labours and questionings of honest and brave men shall have built up the fabric of known truth to a glory which we in this generation can neither hope for nor imagine, in that pure and holy temple he shall have no part nor lot, but his name and his works shall be cast out into the darkness of oblivion for ever.'''

==== The Limits Of Inference ====
* '''A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.''' … Even the fundamental &quot;I am,&quot; which cannot be doubted, is no guide to action until it takes to itself &quot;I shall be,&quot; which goes beyond experience. The question is not, therefore, &quot;May we believe what goes beyond experience?&quot; for this is involved in the very nature of belief; but &quot;How far and in what manner may we add to our experience in forming our beliefs?&quot;

* If an event really happened which was not a part of the uniformity of nature, it would have two properties: no evidence could give the right to believe it to any except those whose actual [[experience]] it was; and no inference worthy of belief could be founded upon it at all. &lt;br /&gt; Are we then bound to believe that nature is absolutely and universally uniform? Certainly not; we have no right to believe anything of this kind. The rule only tells us that in forming beliefs which go beyond our experience, we may make the assumption that nature is practically uniform so far as we are concerned. Within the range of human action and verification, we may form, by help of this assumption, actual beliefs; beyond it, only those hypotheses which serve for the more accurate asking of questions.

*&lt;p&gt;'''We may believe what goes beyond our experience, only when it is inferred from that experience by the assumption that what we do not know is like what we know.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; '''We may believe the statement of another person, when there is reasonable ground for supposing that he knows the matter of which he speaks, and that he is speaking the truth so far as he knows it.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''It is wrong in all cases to believe on insufficient evidence; and where it is presumption to doubt and to investigate, there it is worse than presumption to believe.'''&lt;/p&gt;

=== ''The Common Sense of the Exact Sciences'' (1885) ===
Clifford's work, edited and extended by Richard Charles Rowe &amp; [[w:Karl Pearson|Karl Pearson]]

* In March 1879 Clifford died at Madeira; six years afterwards a posthumous work is for the first time placed before the public. ...The original work as planned by Clifford was to have been entitled ''The First Principles of the Mathematical Sciences Explained to the Non-Mathematical'', and to have contained six chapters, on ''Number'', ''Space'', ''Quantity'', ''Position'', ''Motion'', and ''Mass'' respectively. Of the projected work Clifford in the year 1875 ''dictated'' the chapters on Number and Space completely, the first portion of the chapter on Quantity, and somewhat later nearly the entire chapter on Motion. The first two chapters were afterwards seen by him in proof, but never finally revised. Shortly before his death he expressed a wish that the book should only be published after very careful revision and that its title should be changed to ''The Common Sense of the Exact Sciences''.
** Preface by Karl Pearson, pp. v-vi.

* Upon Clifford's death the labour of revision and completion was entrusted to Mr. R. C. Rowe, then Professor of Pure Mathematics at University College, London. ...On the sad death of Professor Rowe, in October 1884, I was requested... to take up the task of editing... For the latter half of Chapter III. and for the whole of Chapter IV. ...I am alone responsible. Yet whatever there is in them of value I owe to Clifford; whatever is feeble or obscure is my own. ...With Chapter V. my task has been by no means light. ...Without any notice of mass or force it seemed impossible to close a discussion on motion; something I felt must be added. I have accordingly introduced a few pages on the laws of motion. I have since found that Clifford intended to write a concluding chapter on mass. How to express the laws of motion in a form of which Clifford would have approved was indeed an insoluble riddle to me, because I was unaware of his having written anything on the subject. I have accordingly expressed, although with great hesitation, my own views on the subject; these may be concisely described as a strong desire to see the terms matter and force, together with the ideas associated with them, entirely removed from scientific terminology—to reduce, in fact, all dynamic to kinematic. I should hardly have ventured to put forward these views had I not recently discovered that they have (allowing for certain minor differences) the weighty authority of [[Ernst Mach|Professor Mach]], of Prag. But since writing these pages I have also been referred to a discourse delivered by Clifford at the Royal Institution in 1873, some account of which appeared in ''Nature'', June 10, 1880. Therein it is stated that &lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;'''no mathematician can give any meaning to the language about matter, force, inertia used in current text-books of mechanics'''.' This fragmentary account of the discourse undoubtedly proves that Clifford held on the categories of matter and force as clear and original ideas as on all subjects of which he has treated; only, alas! they have not been preserved.
** Preface by Karl Pearson, pp. vi-ix.

* '''Force is not a fact at all, but an idea embodying what is approximately the fact.'''
** Preface footnote, p. ix. Mr. R. Tucker searched Clifford's note books for Karl Pearson and sent him the above quote, in Clifford's handwriting.

* '''We may... be treating merely as physical variations effects which are really due to changes in the curvature of our space; whether, in fact, some or all of those causes which we term physical may not be due to the geometrical construction of our space. There are three kinds of variation in the curvature of our space which we ought to consider as within the range of possibility.'''&lt;br /&gt;(i) Our space is perhaps really possessed of a curvature varying from point to point, which we fail to appreciate because we are acquainted with only a small portion of space, or because we disguise its small variations under changes in our physical condition which we do not connect with our change of position. The mind that could recognise this varying curvature might be assumed to know the absolute position of a point. For such a mind the postulate of the relativity of position would cease to have a meaning. It does not seem so hard to conceive such a state of mind as the late Professor Clerk-Maxwell would have had us believe. It would be one capable of distinguishing those so-called physical changes which are really geometrical or due to a change of position in space.&lt;br /&gt;(ii) Our space may be really same (of equal curvature), but its degree of curvature may change as a whole with the time. In this way our geometry based on the sameness of space would still hold good for all parts of space, but the change of curvature might produce in space a succession of apparent physical changes.&lt;br /&gt;(iii) We may conceive our space to have everywhere a nearly uniform curvature, but that slight variations of the curvature may occur from point to point, and themselves vary with the time. These variations of the curvature with the time may produce effects which we not unnaturally attribute to physical causes independent of the geometry of our space. We might even go so far as to assign to this variation of the curvature of space 'what really happens in that phenomenon which we term the motion of matter.'
** Clifford &amp; Pearson, Ch IV, Position, &amp;sect;19 On the Bending of Space, pp. 224-225.

== Quotes about Clifford ==
* [[w:Karl Pearson|Pearson's]] enthusiasm for W. K. Clifford's intuitive dynamics and physics, also for Clifford's violent hostility to traditional beliefs, influenced at least his earlier thinking. Both Clifford and Pearson were creative mathematicians; neither fitted the milk-and-water, namby-pamby 'great man' ideal of the 'great mathematician' which seems to be the accepted norm in historical accounts of mathematicians; and at least one of them would have hooted at the idea that he was, or was to become, an object of reverence for generations of students.
** [[Eric Temple Bell]], ''The Development of Mathematics'' (1940)

* With the new views advocated by [[Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]]... the texture, structure or geometry of space is defined by the metrical field, itself produced by the distribution of matter. Any non-homogeneous distribution of matter would then entail a variable structure of geometry for space from place to place. ...&lt;br /&gt;'''Riemann's exceedingly speculative ideas on the subject of the metrical field were practically ignored in his day, save by the English mathematician Clifford, who translated Riemann's works, prefacing them to his own discovery of the non-Euclidean Clifford space. Clifford realised the potential importance of the new ideas and suggested that matter itself might be accounted for in terms of these local variations of the non-Euclidean space, thus inverting in a certain sense Riemann's ideas. But in Clifford's day  this belief was mathematically untenable'''. Furthermore, the physical exploration of space seemed to yield unvarying Euclideanism. ...it was reserved for the theoretical investigator [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]], by a stupendous effort of rational thought, based on a few flimsy empirical clues, to unravel the mystery and to lead Riemann's ideas to victory. (In all fairness to Einstein... he does not appear to have been influenced directly by Riemann.) '''Nor were Clifford's hopes disappointed, for the varying non-Euclideanism of the continuum was to reveal the mysterious secret of gravitation, and perhaps also of matter, motion, and electricity.''' ...&lt;br /&gt;Einstein had been led to recognize that space of itself was not fundamental. The fundamental continuum whose non-Euclideanism was fundamental was... one of [[Spacetime|Space-Time]]... possessing a four-dimensional metrical field governed by the matter distribution. Einstein accordingly applied Riemann's ideas to space-time instead of to space... He discovered that the moment we substitute space-time for space (''and not otherwise''), and assume that free bodies and rays of light follow [[w:Geodesic|geodesics]] ''no longer in space but in space-time'', the long-sought-for local variations in geometry become apparent. They are all around us, in our immediate vicinity... We had called their effects gravitational effects... never suspecting that they were the result of those very local variations in the geometry for which our search had been in vain....the [[theory of relativity]] is the theory of the space-time metrical field.
** A. D'Abro, ''The Evolution of Scientific Thought from Newton to Einstein'' (1927) pp. 58-59

* But even the distant reader must allow that Clifford's mental personality belonged to the highest possible ''type'' to say no more. '''The union of the mathematician with the poet, fervor with measure, passion with correctness, this surely is the ideal'''. And if in these modern days we are to look for any prophet or saviour who shall influence our feelings towards the universe as the founders and renewers of past religions have influenced the minds of our fathers, that prophet, if he ever come, must, like Clifford, be no mere sentimental worshipper of science, but an expert in her ways. And he must have what Clifford had in so extraordinary a degree—that lavishly generous confidence in the worthiness of average human nature to be told all truth, the lack of which in [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe|Goethe]] made him an inspiration to the few but a cold riddle to the many. 
** [[William James]], 'Clifford's &quot;Lectures and Essays&quot;' (1879) in ''Collected Essays and Reviews'' (1920) [https://books.google.com/books?id=s2EVAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA138 pp. 138-139.] Review of ''Lectures and Essays'' and ''Seeing and Thinking'' by W. K. Clifford, London and New York (1879). Reprinted from ''Nation'' (1879) ''29'', pp. 312-313.

* '''Students of [[Spinoza]] will easily trace the connection between his theory of mind and matter and the doctrine set forth in Clifford's essays on &quot;Body and Mind,&quot; and &quot;The Nature of Things-in themselves.''' … '''Briefly put, the conception is that [[mind]] is the one ultimate [[reality]]; not mind as we know it in the complex forms of conscious feeling and thought, but the simpler elements out of which thought and feeling are built up.''' The hypothetical ultimate element of mind, or atom of mind-stuff, precisely corresponds to the hypothetical atom of matter, being the ultimate fact of which the material atom is the phenomenon. Matter and the sensible universe are the relations between particular organisms, that is, mind organized into consciousness, and the rest of the world. '''This leads to results which would in a loose and popular sense be called materialist. But the theory must, as a metaphysical theory, be reckoned on the idealist side. To speak technically, it is an idealist [[monism]].''' Indeed it is a very subtle form of idealism, and by no means easy of apprehension at first sight. Nevertheless there are distinct signs of a convergence towards it on the part of recent inquirers who have handled philosophical problems in a scientific spirit, and particularly those who have studied [[psychology]] on the physiological side. Perhaps we shall be told that this proves the doctrine to be materialism in disguise; but it is hardly worth while to dispute about [[names]] while more serious things remain for discussion. '''And the idea does require much more working out; involving, as it does, extensive restatement and rearrangement of metaphysical problems. It raises not only several questions, but preliminary (and really fundamental) problems as to what questions are reasonable.'''
** [[w:Sir Frederick Pollock, 3rd Baronet|Sir Frederick Pollock]], in &quot;William Kingdon Clifford&quot;, in  ''The Living Age'', Volume 141 (1879), p. 668.

* The models of [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] and [[w:Willem de Sitter|de Sitter]] are static solutions of Einstein's modified gravitational equations for a world-wide homogeneous system. They both involve a positive [[w:Cosmological constant|cosmological constant]] &amp;lambda;, determining the curvature of space. If this constant is zero, we obtain a third model in classical infinite Euclidean space. This model is empty, the space-time being that of Special Relativity.&lt;br /&gt;It has been shown that these are the only possible ''static'' world models based on Einstein's theory. In 1922, '''[[w:Alexander Friedmann|Friedmann]]... broke new ground by investigating non-static solutions to Einstein's field equations, in which the radius of curvature of space varies with time. This possibility had already been envisaged, in a general sense, by Clifford in the eighties.'''&lt;!--p.82--&gt;
** [[Gerald James Whitrow]], ''The Structure of the Universe: An Introduction to Cosmology'' (1949)

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.williamandlucyclifford.com/ William and Lucy Clifford (with pictures)]
* &quot;''[http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Mathematicians/Clifford.html William Kingdon Clifford]''&quot;. School of Mathematics and Statistics, University of St Andrews, Scotland.
* Joe Rooney, [http://oro.open.ac.uk/8455/01/chapter4(020507).pdf William Kingdon Clifford] (2007), Department of Design and Innovation, the Open University, London.

===Public Domain Works by Clifford===
* [[s:The Ethics of Belief|''The Ethics of Belief'']] @Wikisource
* ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=kAUAAAAAQAAJ The Common Sense of the Exact Sciences]'' @GoogleBooks

{{DEFAULTSORT:Clifford, William Kingdon}}
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]]
[[Category:Mathematicians from England]]
[[Category:1845 births]]
[[Category:1879 deaths]]
[[Category:Atheists from England]]
[[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]]

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[[File:Star Trek TOS logo.svg|thumb|Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship ''Enterprise''. Its five-year mission to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. '''To boldly go where no man has gone before'''.]]
[[File:William Shatner Star Trek.JPG|thumb|[[William Shatner]] as [[w:Captain (Star Trek)|Captain]] [[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]]]
[[File:Spock.JPG|thumb|[[Leonard Nimoy]] as Commander [[w:Spock|Spock]]]]
[[File:DeForest Kelley, Dr. McCoy, Star Trek.jpg|thumb|[[w:DeForest Kelley|DeForest Kelley]] as Doctor [[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]]]
[[File:James Doohan Scotty Star Trek.JPG|thumb|[[w:James Doohan|James Doohan]] as [[w:Montgomery Scott|Montgomery &quot;Scotty&quot; Scott]]]]
[[File:George Takei Sulu Star Trek.JPG|thumb|[[George Takei]] as [[w:Hikaru Sulu|Hikaru Sulu]]]]
[[File:Nichelle Nichols, NASA Recruiter - GPN-2004-00017.jpg|thumb|[[Nichelle Nichols]] as [[w:Uhura|Uhura]]]]
[[File:Walter Koenig Star Trek.JPG|thumb|[[w:Walter Koenig|Walter Koenig]] as [[w:Pavel Chekov|Pavel Chekov]]]]
'''''[[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Star Trek]]''''' is an [[w:American science fiction|American]] [[w:Science fiction on television|science fiction television]] series created by [[Gene Roddenberry]] following the adventures of the crew of the [[w:Starship|starship]] [[w:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)|USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)]]. It later acquired the retronym of '''''Star Trek: The Original Series''''' (TOS) to distinguish the show within the [[w:Media franchise|media franchise]] that it began. The show is set in the [[Milky Way|Milky Way galaxy]], circa 2266–2269.
__NOTOC__
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! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid gold;&quot; | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
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! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid firebrick;&quot; | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
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|[[#The Man Trap|The Man Trap]]
|[[#Amok Time|Amok Time]]
|[[#Spock's Brain|Spock's Brain]]
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|[[#Charlie X|Charlie X]]
|[[#Who Mourns for Adonais?|Who Mourns for Adonais?]]
|[[#The Enterprise Incident|The Enterprise Incident]]
|-
|[[#Where No Man Has Gone Before|Where No Man Has Gone Before]]
|[[#The Changeling|The Changeling]]
|[[#The Paradise Syndrome|The Paradise Syndrome]]
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|[[#The Naked Time|The Naked Time ]]
|[[#Mirror, Mirror|Mirror, Mirror]]
|[[#And the Children Shall Lead|And the Children Shall Lead]]
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|[[#The Enemy Within|The Enemy Within]]
|[[#The Apple|The Apple]]
|[[#Is There in Truth No Beauty?|Is There in Truth No Beauty?]]
|-
|[[#Mudd's Women|Mudd's Women]]
|[[#The Doomsday Machine|The Doomsday Machine]]
|[[#Spectre of the Gun|Spectre of the Gun]]
|-
|[[#What Are Little Girls Made Of?|What Are Little Girls Made Of?]]
|[[#Catspaw|Catspaw]]
|[[#Day of the Dove|Day of the Dove]]
|-
|[[#Miri|Miri]]
|[[#I, Mudd|I, Mudd]]
|[[#The Tholian Web|The Tholian Web]]
|-
|[[#Dagger of the Mind|Dagger of the Mind]]
|[[#Metamorphosis|Metamorphosis]]
|[[#For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky|For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky]]
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|[[#The Corbomite Maneuver|The Corbomite Maneuver ]]
|[[#Journey to Babel|Journey to Babel]]
|[[#Plato's Stepchildren|Plato's Stepchildren]]
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|[[#The Menagerie, Parts 1-2|The Menagerie, Parts 1-2]]
|[[#Friday's Child|Friday's Child]]
|[[#Wink of an Eye|Wink of an Eye]]
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|[[#The Conscience of the King|The Conscience of the King]]
|[[#The Deadly Years|The Deadly Years]]
|[[#The Empath|The Empath]]
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|-
|[[#Balance of Terror|Balance of Terror]]
|[[#Obsession|Obsession]]
|[[#Elaan of Troyius|Elaan of Troyius]]
|
|-
|[[#Shore Leave|Shore Leave]]
|[[#Wolf in the Fold|Wolf in the Fold]]
|[[#Whom Gods Destroy|Whom Gods Destroy]]
|
|-
|[[#The Galileo Seven|The Galileo Seven]]
|[[#The Trouble With Tribbles|The Trouble With Tribbles]]
|[[#Let That Be Your Last Battlefield|Let That Be Your Last Battlefield]]
|
|-
|[[#The Squire of Gothos|The Squire of Gothos]]
|[[#The Gamesters of Triskelion|The Gamesters of Triskelion]]
|[[#The Mark of Gideon|The Mark of Gideon]]
|
|-
|[[#Arena|Arena]]
|[[#A Piece of the Action|A Piece of the Action]]
|[[#That Which Survives|That Which Survives]]
|
|-
|[[#Tomorrow is Yesterday|Tomorrow is Yesterday]]
|[[#The Immunity Syndrome|The Immunity Syndrome]]
|[[#The Lights of Zetar|The Lights of Zetar]]
|
|-
|[[#Court Martial|Court Martial]]
|[[#A Private Little War|A Private Little War]]
|[[#Requiem for Methuselah|Requiem for Methuselah]]
|
|-
|[[#The Return of the Archons|The Return of the Archons]]
|[[#Return to Tomorrow|Return to Tomorrow]]
|[[#The Way to Eden|The Way to Eden]]
|
|-
|[[#Space Seed|Space Seed]]
|[[#Patterns of Force|Patterns of Force]]
|[[#The Cloud Minders|The Cloud Minders]]
|
|-
|[[#A Taste of Armageddon|A Taste of Armageddon]]
|[[#By Any Other Name|By Any Other Name]]
|[[#The Savage Curtain|The Savage Curtain]]
|
|-
|[[#This Side of Paradise|This Side of Paradise]]
|[[#The Omega Glory|The Omega Glory]]
|[[#All Our Yesterdays|All Our Yesterdays]]
|
|-
|[[#The Devil in the Dark|The Devil in the Dark]]
|[[#The Ultimate Computer|The Ultimate Computer]]
|[[#Turnabout Intruder|Turnabout Intruder]]
|
|-
|[[#Errand of Mercy|Errand of Mercy]]
|[[#Bread and Circuses|Bread and Circuses]]
|
|
|-
|[[#The Alternative Factor|The Alternative Factor]]
|[[#Assignment: Earth|Assignment: Earth]]
|
|
|-
|[[#The City on the Edge of Forever|The City on the Edge of Forever]]
|
! width=&quot;33%&quot; style=&quot;border: 3px solid black;&quot; | [[#Original pilot|Original pilot]]
|
|-
|[[#Operation: Annihilate!|Operation: Annihilate!]]
|
|[[#The Cage|The Cage]]
|
|-
! colspan=4 style=&quot;border: 3px solid silver;&quot; | [[#Unidentified episode|Unidentified episode]] — [[#Repeated lines|Repeated lines]] — [[#Misattributed|Misattributed]] — [[#Cast|Cast]] — [[#External links|External links]]
|}

==Season 1==

=== ''[[w:The Man Trap|The Man Trap]]'' ===
:'''Crater''': The heroic captain and the intrepid doctor cross interstellar space to preserve our health! Oh, your sense of duty is overwhelming. Now, will you please go back where you came from and tell whoever issues your orders to leave me and my wife alone?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': The machine is capable of almost anything, but I'll still put my trust in a healthy set of tonsils.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Uhura|Uhura]]''': Mr. Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word &quot;frequency&quot; again, I'll cry.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': It is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word &quot;frequency.&quot;
:'''Uhura''': Then I'm an illogical woman. Why don't you tell me what an attractive lady I am? Or how your planet looks when the moon is full.
:'''Spock''': Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura.
:'''Uhura''': I'm not surprised.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': You bleed too much, Crater. You're too pure and noble. Are you saving the last of its kind... or has this become Crater's private heaven here? This thing becomes wife, lover, best friend, wise man, fool, idol, slave. It isn't bad to have everyone in the universe at your beck and call. You win all the arguments.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We're all aware of the need for salt on a hot and arid planet like this, Professor, but it's a mystery, and I don't like mysteries. They give me a bellyache and I got a beauty right now.

=== ''[[w:Charlie X|Charlie X]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Check.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Checkmate.
:'''Spock''': Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages on occasion, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': I'd prefer to call it inspired.
:'''Spock''': As you wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie Evans''': Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[to Charlie]'' You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Charlie, there are a million things in this universe you can have and there are a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are.
:'''Charlie''': What am I going to do?
:'''Kirk''': Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does.
:'''Charlie''': You don't!
:'''Kirk''': Everybody, Charlie. Me too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock?
:'''Spock''': ''[unemotionally]'' My legs. They're broken.
:'''Kirk''': Let him go too, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Why?
:'''Kirk''': Because I'm telling you to. You need me to run this ship and I need him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''When Charlie Makes Yeoman Janice Rand &quot;Disappear&quot;.'']
:'''Kirk''': Where is Yeoman Rand? Dead? Gone?Destroyed?
:'''Charlie''': I Won't Tell YOU

=== ''[[w:Where No Man Has Gone Before|Where No Man Has Gone Before]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Have I ever mentioned you play a very irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Irritating? ''[smiling]'' Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
:''[Kirk considers Spock for a moment, then calmly moves one of his own chess pieces. Spock's smile fades and he frowns as he realizes the effect of Kirk's move]''
:'''Kirk''': Certain you don't know what irritation is?
:'''Spock''': The fact one of my ancestors married a human female...
:'''Kirk''': Terrible having bad blood like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': What makes you so right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?
:'''Spock''': Because she feels. I don't. All I know is logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mitchell''': Time to pray, Captain. Pray to me.
:'''Kirk''': To you? Not to both of you?
:'''Mitchell''': Pray that you die easily.
:'''Kirk''': There'll only be one of you in the end. One jealous god... if all this makes a god. Or is it making you something else?
:'''Mitchell''': Your last chance, Kirk.
:'''Kirk''': Do you like what you see? Absolute power corrupting absolutely.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dehner''': Before long we'll be where it would have taken mankind millions of years of learning to reach.
:'''Kirk''': And what will Mitchell learn in getting there? Will he know what to do with his power? Will he acquire the wisdom?
:'''Dehner''': Please go back while you still can.
:'''Kirk''': Did you hear him joke about compassion? Above all else a &quot;god&quot; needs compassion! Mitchell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': He didn't ask for what happened to him.
:'''Spock''': I felt for him, too.
:'''Kirk''': I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock.

=== ''[[w:The Naked Time|The Naked Time]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Our spectro-readings showed no contamination, no unusual elements present.
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': At least none your tricorders could register.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Instruments register only those things they're designed to register. Space still contains infinite unknowns.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': We're doing everything that's possible!
:'''Kirk''': Bones, I want the impossible checked out too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joe Tormolen''': We're all a bunch of hypocrites. Sticking our noses into something that we've got no business. What are we doing out here, anyway?
:'''[[w:Hikaru Sulu|Sulu]]''': Take it easy, Joe.
:'''Joe Tormolen''': Bring pain and trouble with us. Leave men and women stuck out on freezing planets until they die. What are we doing out here in space? Good? What good? We're polluting it! We're destroying it! We've got no business being out here! No business!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Spock has just used the Vulcan nerve pinch on Sulu, who was rampaging about with a fencing sword]''
:'''Spock''': Take [[w:D'Artagnan|D'Artagnan]] here to sickbay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Love... you're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel...I give... she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Uhura|Uhura]]''': ''[over the intercom]'' Entering planet's outer atmosphere, sir.
:'''Scotty''': Captain!
:'''Kirk''': What is it?
:'''Scotty''': He's turned the engines off. They're completely cold. It'll take 30 minutes to regenerate them.
:'''Uhura''': ''[over the intercom]'' Entering planet's outer atmosphere, sir. Ship's outer skin is beginning to heat, Captain. Orbit plot shows we have about 8 minutes left.
:'''Kirk''': Scotty!
:'''Scotty''': I canna change the law of physics! I've got to have 30 minutes!

=== ''[[w:The Enemy Within (Star Trek)|The Enemy Within]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': We have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind, or to examine, in Earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man-- his negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence, and his positive side, which Earth people express as compassion, love, tenderness.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Are you aware it's the captain's guts you're analyzing?
:'''Spock''': Yes, and what makes one man an exceptional leader? We see indications that it's his negative side which makes him strong, that his evil side, controlled and disciplined, is vital to his strength. Your negative side removed from you, the power of command begins to elude you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Jim, you can't risk your life on a theory!
:'''Spock''': Being split in two halves is no theory with me, Doctor. I have a human half, you see, as well as an alien half, submerged, constantly at war with each other. Personal experience, Doctor. I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both, makes them live together. Your intelligence would enable you to survive as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': ''[to Captain Kirk]'' You're the captain of this ship. You haven't the right to be vulnerable in the eyes of the crew. You can't afford the luxury of being anything less than perfect. If you do, they lose faith and you lose command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[about Evil Kirk]'' I have to take him back inside myself. I can't survive without him. I don't want to take him back. He's like an animal. a thoughtless, brutal animal. And yet it's me. Me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': We all have our darker side. We need it; it's half of what we are. It's not really ugly, it's human.

=== ''[[w:Mudd's Women|Mudd's Women]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Computer, go to sensor probe. Any unusual readings?
:'''Computer''': No decipherable reading on females. However, unusual reading on male board members. Detecting high respiration patterns, perspiration rates up, heartbeat rapid, blood pressure higher than normal.
:'''Kirk''': Uh, that's sufficient. Strike that from the record, Mr. Spock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Mudd''': Men will always be men — no matter where they are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Mudd''': You're a hard-nosed one, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': And you're a liar. I think we both understand each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': There's only one kind of woman...
:'''Harry Mudd''': Or man, for that matter.
:'''Kirk''': You either believe in yourself or you don't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry Mudd''': Don't you think you could possibly, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet, that would be punishment enough.
:'''Kirk''': I can't do that, Harry, but I ''will'' appear as a character witness at your trial ... if you think that'll help.
:'''Harry Mudd''': They'll throw away the key.

=== ''[[w:What Are Little Girls Made Of?|What Are Little Girls Made Of?]]''===
:'''Dr. Korby''': Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate? ...
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment — the other side of the coin, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Korby''': Can you understand what I’m offering mankind?
:'''Kirk''': Programming. Different word, but the same old promises made by [[Genghis Khan]], [[Julius Caesar]], [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], Ferris, Maltuvis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Korby''': Remarkable, isn't she? Notice the-- the lifelike pigmentation, the variation in skin tones. The flesh-- The flesh has warmth. There's even a pulse, physical sensation.
:'''[[w:Christine Chapel|Nurse Chapel]]''': How convenient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Korby''': I am not a computer. Test me. Ask me to solve any-- Equate-- Transmit-- Christine, Christine, Iet me prove myself! Does this make such a difference?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We humans are full of unpredictable emotions that logic cannot solve.

=== ''[[w:Miri (TOS episode)|Miri]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': No blah, blah, blah!
:'''Children''': Boom! Bonk bonk on the head!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': The older the victim, the more rapid the progress of the disease.
:'''Kirk''': And you? The disease doesn't seem to be interested.
:'''Spock''': I am a carrier. Whatever happens, I can't go back to the ship. And I do want to go back to the ship, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': Of course, Mr. Spock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': I think children have an instinctive need for adults. They want to be told right and wrong.

=== ''[[w:Dagger of the Mind|Dagger of the Mind]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': One of the advantages of being a captain, Doctor, is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Interesting. You Earth people glorify organized violence for forty centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': And, of course, your people found an answer.
:'''Spock''': We disposed of emotion, Doctor. Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': What did you say your name was?
:'''Van Gelder''': My name? My name is--''aah!'' ''[struggling]'' Simon... Van Gelder! I was the director of-- director-- at the Tantalus colony. I was a graduate of...of...I was assistant to...Doctor...Doc--''ah!'' ''[Sobbing]'' I knew... I knew. But they've erased it.
:'''McCoy''': Erased?
:'''Van Gelder''': Edited... adjusted... subverted me! But I won't forget! I won't forget!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Adams''': You're madly in love with Helen, Captain. You'd lie, cheat, steal for her, sacrifice your career, your reputation..... And now...she's gone.

=== ''[[w:The Corbomite Maneuver|The Corbomite Maneuver]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Has it occurred to you that there's a certain... inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': It gives me emotional security.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': ''[calling after Kirk as the latter leaves sick bay]'' Had to finish the physical on you, didn't I? What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? ''[then, alone in the room]'' If I jumped every time a light came on around here, I'd end up talkin' to myself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Captain to crew. Those of you who have served for long on this vessel have encountered alien life-forms. You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, an irrational fear of the unknown. But there's no such thing as the unknown-- only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood. In most cases we have found that intelligence capable of a civilization is capable of understanding peaceful gestures. Surely a life-form advanced enough for space travel is advanced enough to eventually understand our motives. All decks stand by. Captain out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': This is the Captain of the Enterprise. Our respect for other life forms requires that we give you this... warning. There is one critical item of information that has never been incorporated into the memory banks of any Earth ship. Since the early years of space exploration, Earth vessels have had incorporated into them a substance known as... ''corbomite''. It is a material and a device which prevents attack on us. If any destructive energy touches our vessel, a reverse reaction of equal strength is created, destroying --
:'''Balok''': You now have two minutes.
:'''Kirk''': -- destroying the attacker. It may interest you to know that since the initial use of corbomite more than two of our centuries ago, no attacking vessel has survived the attempt. Death has... little meaning to us. If it has none to you -- then attack us now. We grow annoyed at your foolishness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I regret not having learned more about this Balok. He was reminiscent of my father.
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Then may heaven have helped your mother.
:'''Spock''': Quite the contrary. She considered herself a very fortunate Earth woman.

=== ''[[w:The Menagerie (TOS episode)|The Menagerie, Parts 1-2]]''===
:'''See also [[#Original pilot|The Cage]] (below) for the dialogue which derives from the first pilot.'''
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Blast medicine anyway. We've learned to tie into every human organ in the body except one -- the brain. The brain is what life is all about. That man can think any thought that we can, and love, hope, dream as much as we can, but he can't reach out, and no one can reach in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Mr. Spock, when you're finished, I want to talk to you. This regrettable tendency you've been showing lately towards flagrant emotionalism --
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I see no reason to insult me, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.

=== ''[[w:The Conscience of the King|The Conscience of the King]]''===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': This is the first time in a week I've had time for a drop. Would you care for a drink, Mr. Spock?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': My father's race was spared the dubious benefits of alcohol.
:'''McCoy''': Oh. Now I know why they were conquered. What are you worried about? Jim generally knows what he's doing.
:'''Spock''': It was illogical for him to bring those players aboard.
:'''McCoy''': Illogical? Did you get a look at that Juliet? That's a pretty exciting creature. Of course your, uh, personal chemistry would prevent you from seeing that. Did it ever occur to you that he might like the girl?
:'''Spock''': It occurred. I dismissed it.
:'''McCoy''': You would.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': What if you decide he is Kodos? What then? Do you play God, carry his head through the corridors in triumph? That won't bring back the dead, Jim.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': No. But they may rest easier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lenore''': There is no mercy in you.
:'''Kirk''': If he is Kodos, then I've shown him more mercy than he deserves. And if he isn't... then we'll let you off at Benecia, and no harm done.
:'''Lenore''': Captain Kirk. Who are you to say what harm was done?
:'''Kirk''': Who do I have to be?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Karidian (Kodos)''': I am tired! ... The past ... is a blank.
:'''Kirk''': Those beautiful words, well acted, change nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate -- but a woman is always a woman.

=== ''[[w:Balance of Terror|Balance of Terror]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[officiating at the wedding of Lieutenants Tomlinson and Martine]'' Since the days of the first wooden vessels, all shipmasters have had one happy privilege: that of uniting two people in the bonds of matrimony.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lt. Stiles''': We know Outpost 4 has been attacked, sir. So if we intercept Romulans now, we--
:'''Kirk''': After a whole century, what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr. Stiles? I doubt if they'll ''radio'' and identify themselves.
:'''Lt. Stiles''': You'll ''know'', sir. They're painted like a giant [[w:Bird of Prey (Star Trek)| bird of prey]].
:'''Kirk''': I had no idea that history was your specialty.
:'''Lt. Stiles''': ''Family'' history. There was a Captain Stiles in the space service then. Two Commanders, several junior officers. All lost in that war, sir.
:'''Kirk''': ''Their'' war, Mr. Stiles. Not yours. Don't forget it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[confronting Lt. Stiles]'' Well, here's one thing you can be sure of, mister. Leave any bigotry in your quarters, there's no room for it on the bridge. Do I make myself clear?
:'''Lt. Stiles''': You do, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Romulan Commander''': Danger and I are old companions.
:'''Centurion''': We've seen a hundred campaigns together, and still I do not understand you!
:'''Romulan Commander''': ''I'' think you do. No need to tell you what will happen the moment we reach home with proof of the Earthmen's weakness. And we will ''have'' proof. The Earth commander will follow, he must. And when he attacks, we will destroy him. Our gift to the homeland: another war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': If Romulans are an offshoot of my Vulcan blood, then attack becomes even more imperative.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': War is never imperative.
:'''Spock''': It is for them, Doctor. Vulcan, like Earth, had its aggressive colonizing period, savage even by Earth standards. If Romulans retain this martial philosophy, then weakness is something we dare not show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': I wish I were on a long sea voyage somewhere. Not too much deck tennis, no frantic dancing. And no responsibility. Why me? I look around that bridge, and I see the men ''waiting'' for me to make the next move. And Bones,.... what if I'm wrong?
:'''McCoy''': Captain, I--
:'''Kirk''': No. I don't really expect an answer.
:'''McCoy''': But I've ''got'' one. Something I seldom say to a... customer, Jim. In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in ''all'' the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us. Don't destroy the one named &quot;Kirk&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Romulan Commander''': ''[referring to Kirk]'' He's a sorcerer, that one. He reads the thoughts in my mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Captain. Standing by to beam your survivors aboard our ship. Prepare to abandon your vessel.
:'''Romulan Commander''': No. No, that is not our way. I regret that we meet in this way. You and I are of a kind. In a different reality, I could have called you &quot;friend&quot;.
:'''Kirk''': What purpose will it serve to die?
:'''Romulan Commander''': We are creatures of duty, Captain. I have lived my life by it. Just one more duty to perform.

=== ''[[w:Shore_Leave_(Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series)|Shore Leave]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': After what this ship has been through in the last three months, there is not a crewman aboard who is not in need of rest. Myself excepted, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I picked this up from Dr. McCoy's log. We have a crew member on board who is showing signs of stress and fatigue. Reaction time down 9 to 12 percent. Associational reading Norm minus 3.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': That's much too low a rating.
:'''Spock''': He's becoming irritable and quarrelsome, yet he refuses to take rest and rehabilitation. Now he has that right, but...we found -
:'''Kirk''': A crewman's rights end where the safety of the ship begins. Now that man will go ashore on my orders. What's his name?
:'''Spock''': James Kirk.
:''[Realizing he's been tricked, Kirk stares somewhat balefully at Spock.]''
:'''Spock''': ''[continuing]'' Enjoy yourself, Captain. It's an interesting planet. I believe you'll find it quite pleasant, very much like your Earth. Scouts have detected no animals, artifacts, or forcefields of any kind. Only peace, sunshine, and good air. You'll have no problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': On my planet, to rest is to ''rest'' — to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, instead of saving it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': I do [believe you]! I've met some interesting characters myself!

=== ''[[w:The Galileo Seven|The Galileo Seven]]''===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Mr. Spock, remind me to tell you that I'm sick and tired of your logic.
:'''Spock''': That is a most illogical attitude.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
:'''McCoy''': I'm not talking about rationality.
:'''Spock''': You might be wise to start.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott''': Tapping our boosters ended our last chance for a soft landing.
:'''Boma''': You mean a burn-up?
:'''Spock''': It is the usual end of a decaying orbit.
:'''Mears''': I don't want to die up here.
:'''Spock''': Infinitely preferable to the kind of death we'd be granted on the planet's surface, I should think.
:'''Boma''': I admire your ability to make so measured a choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Respect is a rational process. Didn't it ever occur to you that they might react emotionally...with anger?
:'''Spock''': Doctor, I am not responsible for their unpredictability.
:'''McCoy''': They were perfectly predictable, to anyone with feeling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I realize that command does have its fascination, even under circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever logically needs to be done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Mr. Spock, you said a while ago that there were always alternatives.
:'''Spock''': Did I? I may have been mistaken.
:'''McCoy''': Well, at least I lived long enough to hear that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Uh, Mr. Spock, there's really something I don't understand about all of this. And maybe you can explain it to me. Logically, of course. When you jettisoned the fuel and ignited it, you knew there was virtually no chance of it being seen, yet you did it anyhow. That would seem to be an act of desperation.
:'''Spock''': Quite correct.
:'''Kirk''': We all know, and I'm sure the doctor agrees, that desperation is a highly emotional state of mind. How does your well-known logic explain that?
:'''Spock''': Quite simply, Captain. I examined the problem from all angles, and it was plainly hopeless. Logic informed me that, under the circumstances, the only possible action would have to be one of desperation. Logical decision, logically arrived at.
:'''Kirk''': Aha, ha ha. I see. You mean you reasoned that it was time for an emotional outburst.
:'''Spock''': Well, I... wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, Captain, but... those are essentially the facts.
:'''Kirk''': You're not going to admit that for the first time in your life, you committed a purely human, emotional act?
:'''Spock''': No, sir.
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, you're a stubborn man.
:'''Spock''': Yes, sir.

=== ''[[w:The Squire of Gothos|The Squire of Gothos]]''===
:'''Trelane''': Oh, how absolutely typical of your species! You don't understand something so you become fearful.
:[''Trelane picks up a phaser.'']
:'''Trelane''': Ah this setting won't kill...and THIS WILL
:[''He vaporizes two alien creatures in wall niches.'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Does your logic find this fascinating, Mr. Spock?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': No. &quot;Fascinating&quot; is a word I use for the unexpected. In this case, I should think &quot;interesting&quot; would suffice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Trelane''': You do realize that it's in deference to the Captain that I brought you here.
:'''Spock''': Affirmative.
:'''Trelane''': Well, I don't know if I like your tone. It's most challenging. That's what you're doing, challenging me?
:'''Spock''': I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose.
:'''Trelane''': Oh, Mr. Spock, you do have one saving grace after all - you're ill mannered. The human half of you, no doubt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Our missions are peaceful — not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We're living beings, not playthings for your amusement!
:'''Trelane''': Silence! This trial is over! You are guilty. On all counts you are guilty. And according to your own laws, this court has no choice in fixing punishment. You will hang by the neck Captain, until you are dead, dead, dead!

=== ''[[w:Arena (TOS episode)|Arena]]''===
:'''Metron''': We are the Metrons. You are one of two crafts which have come into our space on a mission of violence. This is not permissible. Yet we have analyzed you and have learned that your violent tendencies are inherent. So be it. We will control them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Metron''': Your captain is losing his battle. We would suggest you make whatever memorial arrangements, if any, which are customary in your culture. We believe you have very little time left.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': We appeal to you in the name of civilization. Put a stop to this!
:'''Metron''': Your violent intent and actions demonstrate that you are not civilized.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[to the helpless Gorn]'' No, I won't kill you. Maybe you thought you were...protecting yourself...when you attacked the outpost. ''[louder, to the Metrons]'' No, I won't kill him! Do you hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else! ''[helpless Gorn disappears, and a Metron appears]'' You're a Metron?
:'''Metron''': Does my appearance surprise you, Captain?
:'''Kirk''': You seem more like a boy.
:'''Metron''': I am approximately 1,500 of your Earth years old. You surprise me, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': How?
:'''Metron''': By sparing your helpless enemy who surely would've destroyed you, you demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy, something we hardly expected. We feel that there may be hope for your kind. Therefore, you will not be destroyed. It would not be...civilized.
:'''Kirk''': What happened to the Gorn?
:'''Metron''': I sent him back to his ship. If you like, I shall destroy him for you.
:'''Kirk''': ''[calmly]'' No. That won't be necessary. We can talk. Maybe...reach an agreement.
:'''Metron''': Very good, Captain. There ''is'' hope for you. Perhaps, in several thousand years, your people and mine shall meet to reach an agreement. You're still half-savage, but there ''is'' hope. We will contact you when we are ready.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We're a most promising species, Mr. Spock, as predators go. Did you know that?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I frequently have my doubts.
:'''Kirk''': I don't, not anymore. And maybe in a thousand years or so we'll be able to prove it. Never mind, Mr. Spock, it doesn't make much sense to me either.
:'''Spock''': A thousand years, Captain?
:'''Kirk''': Well that gives us a little time.

=== ''[[w:Tomorrow is Yesterday|Tomorrow is Yesterday]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': You said you had some additional information, Mr. Spock?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I made an error in my computations.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Oh? This could be a historic occasion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': All right, Colonel. The truth is, I'm a little green man from Alpha Centauri, a beautiful place. You ought to see it.
:'''Colonel Fellini''': I am going to lock you up for 200 years.
:'''Kirk''': That ought to be just about right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Christopher''': You don't trust me, Spock.
:'''Spock''': In fact, I do. But only to a certain point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[to Spock]'' Your logic can be most... annoying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[about John Christopher]'' But in our society, he'd be useless. Archaic.
:'''McCoy''': But maybe he could be retrained, reeducated.
:'''Kirk''': Now you're sounding like Spock.
:'''McCoy''': If you're going to get nasty, I'm going to leave.

=== ''[[w:Court Martial (TOS episode)|Court Martial]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': I hope I'm not crowding you.
:'''Cogley''': What's the matter? Don't you like books?
:'''Kirk''': Oh, I like them fine, but a computer takes less space.
:'''Cogley''': A computer, huh? I got one of these in my office. Contains all the precedents, a synthesis of all the great legal decisions written throughout time. I never use it.
:'''Kirk''': Why not?
:'''Cogley''': I've got my own system. Books, young man, books. Thousands of them. If time wasn't so important, I'd show you something--my library. Thousands of books.
:'''Kirk''': What would be the point?
:'''Cogley''': This is where the law is, not in that homogenized, pasteurized, synthesized... do you want to know the law, the ancient concepts in their own language, learn the intent of the men who wrote them, from Moses to the tribunal of Alpha 3? Books.
:'''Kirk''': You have to be either an obsessive crackpot who's escaped from his keeper or Samuel T. Cogley, attorney-at-law.
:'''Cogley''': Right on both counts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Well, I had to see it to believe it.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Explain.
:'''McCoy''': They're about to lop off the captain's professional head, and you're playing chess with the computer.
:'''Spock''': That is true.
:'''McCoy''': Mr. Spock, you're the most cold-blooded man I've ever known.
:'''Spock''': Why, thank you, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Areel''': Mr. Cogley is well-known for his theatrics.
:'''Cogley''': Is saving an innocent man's career a theatric?
:'''Stone''': Counsels will direct their remarks to the bench.
:'''Cogley''': I'd be delighted to, sir, now that I've got something human to talk about. Rights, sir, human rights--[[The Bible|the Bible]], the [[w:Code of Hammurabi|Code of Hammurabi]] and of Justinian, [[w:Magna Carta|Magna Carta]], the [[w:Constitution of the United States|Constitution of the United States]], Fundamental Declarations of the Martian colonies, the Statutes of Alpha 3. Gentlemen, these documents all speak of rights. Rights of the accused to a trial by his peers, to be represented by counsel, the rights of cross-examination, but most importantly, the right to be confronted by the witnesses against him--a right to which my client has been denied.
:'''Shaw''': Your Honor, that is ridiculous! We've produced the witnesses in court. My learned opponent had the opportunity to see them, cross-examine them--
:'''Cogley''': All but one! The most devastating witness against my client is not a human being. It's a machine, an information system, the computer log of the Enterprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cogley''': I speak of rights. A machine has none. A man must. My client has the right to face his accuser, and if you do not grant him that right, you have brought us down to the level of the machine. Indeed, you have elevated that machine above us. I ask that my motion be granted, and more than that, gentlemen, in the name of humanity, fading in the shadow of the machine, I demand it. I demand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': It is impossible for Captain Kirk to act out of panic or malice. It is not his nature.

=== ''[[w:The Return of the Archons|The Return of the Archons]]''===
:'''Landru Computer''': I am Landru. I am he. All that he was I am, his experience, his knowledge.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': But not his wisdom. He may have programmed you, but he could not have given you a soul. You are a machine.
:'''Landru Computer''': Your statement is irrelevant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift. It has to be earned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': How often mankind has wished for a world as peaceful and secure as the one Landru provided.
:'''Kirk''': Yes. And we never got it. Just lucky, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I prefer the concrete, the graspable, the proveable.
:'''Kirk''': You'd make a splendid computer, Mr Spock.
:'''Spock''': That is very kind of you, Captain!

=== ''[[w:Space Seed|Space Seed]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Insufficient facts always invite danger.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Superior ability breeds superior ambition.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': ''[Khan has grabbed McCoy by throat and is holding a knife on him]'' Well, either choke me or cut my throat. Make up your mind.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Khan''': Where am I?
:'''McCoy''': You're in bed, holding a knife at your doctor's throat.
:'''Khan''': Answer my question!
:'''McCoy''': It would be most effective if you would cut the carotid artery, just under the left ear.
:'''Khan''': ''[releasing McCoy]'' I like a brave man.
:'''McCoy''': ''[taking knife from Khan]'' I was just trying to prevent an argument.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Khan''': Go! Or stay! But do it because it is what you '''''WISH''''' to do!

=== ''[[w:A Taste of Armageddon|A Taste of Armageddon]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': ''[To a guard]'' Sir, there's a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. ''[Uses Vulcan nerve pinch on guard]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ambassador''': What are you doing, Mr. Spock?
:'''Spock''': Practicing a peculiar variety of diplomacy, sir. ''[Fires phaser]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': [War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill - today!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Captain, you almost make me believe in luck.
:'''Kirk''': Why, Mr Spock! You almost make me believe in miracles!

=== ''[[w:This Side of Paradise (TOS episode)|This Side of Paradise]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I've never stopped to look at clouds before. Or rainbows. You know, I can tell you exactly why one appears in the sky, but considering its beauty has always been out of the question.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[narrating]'' Captain's log, Stardate 3417.7. Except for myself, all crew personnel have transported to the surface of the planet. Mutinied. Lieutenant Uhura has effectively sabotaged the communications station. I can only contact the surface of the planet. The ship can be maintained in orbit for several months, but even with automatic controls, I cannot pilot her alone. In effect, I am marooned here. I'm beginning to realize... just how big this ship really is. How quiet. I don't know how to get my crew back, how to counteract the effect of the spores. I don't know what I can offer against... paradise.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I have a responsibility--to this ship, and to that man on the bridge. I am what I am, Leila. And if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Well, that's the second time man's been thrown out of paradise.
:'''Kirk''': No, no, Bones, this time we walked out on our own. Maybe we weren't meant for paradise. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through, struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lute. We must march to the sound of drums.

=== ''[[w:The Devil in the Dark|The Devil in the Dark]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Captain, there are literally thousands of these tunnels in this general area alone. Far too many to be cut by the one creature in an ordinary lifetime.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Then we're dealing with more than one creature, despite your tricorder readings, or - we have a creature with an extremely long lifespan.
:'''Spock''': Or, it is the last of a race of creatures which made these tunnels. If so, if it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime against science.
&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, give us a report on life beneath the surface.
:'''Spock''': Within range of our sensors, there is no life other than the accountable human residents of this colony beneath the surface. Eh, at least, no life as we know it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, you are second in command. This will be a dangerous hunt. Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.
:'''Spock''': Captain, there are approximately one hundred of us engaged in this search against one creature. The odds against you and I both being killed are two thousand, twenty eight point seven to one.
:'''Kirk''': Two thousand, twenty eight point seven to one? ''[Spock nods]'' Those are pretty good odds, Mr. Spock.
:'''Spock''': They are of course accurate, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': Of course. ''[pause]'' Well, I hate to use the word, but ''logically'', with those kinds of odds, you might as well stay. But please stay out of trouble, Mr. Spock.
:'''Spock''': That is always my intention, Captain.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': You can't be serious. That thing is virtually made out of stone!
:'''Kirk''': Help it. Treat it.
:'''McCoy''': I'm a doctor, not a [[bricklayer]]!
:'''Kirk''': You're a healer. There's a patient. That's an order.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': The Horta is badly wounded. It may die.
:'''McCoy''': It won't die. By golly, Jim, I'm beginning to think I can cure a rainy day.
:'''Kirk''': Can you help it?
:'''McCoy''': Helped it? I cured it.
:'''Kirk''': How?
:'''McCoy''': Well, I had the ship beam down 100 pounds of that thermal concrete. You know, the kind we use to build emergency shelters out of 'em. It's mostly silicone. So I just troweled it into the wound, and it'll act like a bandage until it heals. Take a look. It's as good as new.
:'''Kirk''': Well, Mr. Spock, I'm gonna have to ask you to get in touch with the Horta again. Tell her our proposition: She and her children can do all the tunneling they want, our people will remove the minerals, and each side will leave the other alone. You think she'll go for it?
:'''Spock''': It seems logical, Captain. The Horta has a very logical mind - and after close association with humans, I find that curiously refreshing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Curious. What Chief Vanderberg said about the Horta is exactly what the Mother Horta said to me. She found humanoid appearance revolting... but she thought she could get used to it.
:'''McCoy''': Oh, she did, did she? Now tell me, did she happen to make any comment about those ears?
:'''Spock''': Not specifically, but I did get the distinct impression she found them the most attractive human characteristic of all. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that only ''I'' have—
:'''Kirk''': She really liked those ears?
:'''Spock''': Captain, the Horta is a remarkably intelligent and sensitive creature with impeccable taste.
:'''Kirk''': Because she approved of you.
:'''Spock''': Really, Captain, my modesty—
:'''Kirk''': ...Does not bear close examination, Mr. Spock. I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time.
:'''Spock''': Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.

=== ''[[w:Errand of Mercy|Errand of Mercy]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Well there it is - war. We didn't want it, but we've got it.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Captain, our information on these people and their culture was not correct. This is not a primitive society making progress toward mechanization. They are totally stagnant. There is no evidence of any progress as far back as my tricorder can register.
:'''Kirk''': That doesn't seem likely.
:'''Spock''': Nevertheless, it is true. For tens of thousands of years, there's been absolutely no advancement, no significant change in their physical environment. This is a laboratory specimen of an arrested culture.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Gentlemen, I have no great love for you, your planet, your culture. Despite that, Mr. Spock and I are gonna go out there, and quite probably die - in an attempt to show you that there are some things worth dying for.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': What would you say the odds are on our getting out of here?
:'''Spock''': Difficult to be precise, Captain. I should say approximately seven thousand eight hundred twenty four point seven to one.
:'''Kirk''': Difficult to be precise? Seven thousand eight hundred and twenty four to one?
:'''Spock''': Seven thousand eight hundred twenty four ''point seven'' to one.
:'''Kirk''': That's a pretty close approximation.
:'''Spock''': I endeavor to be accurate.
:'''Kirk''': You do quite well.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': I'm embarrassed. I was furious with the Organians for stopping a war I didn't want. We think of ourselves as the most powerful beings in the universe. It's unsettling to discover that we're wrong.
:'''Spock''': Captain. It took millions of years for the Organians to evolve into what they are. Even the gods did not spring into being overnight. You and I have no reason to be embarrassed. We did, after all, beat the odds.
:'''Kirk''': Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Spock, we didn't beat the odds; we didn't have a chance. The Organians raided the game.

=== ''[[w:The Alternative Factor|The Alternative Factor]]''===

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Jim, madness has no purpose, or reason, but it may have a goal. He must be stopped, held, destroyed if necessary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Like Lazarus. Identical, yet both Lazarus. Except one is matter and the other antimatter. If they meet...
:'''Spock''': Annihilation Jim. Total, complete, absolute annihilation.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lazarus:''' He'll kill us all if we don't kill him first! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': He's in a lot of pain!
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Sometimes pain can drive a man harder than pleasure. I'm sure you know that, Doctor!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': So you're the terrible thing? The murdering monster? The creature?
:'''Anti-Lazarus''': Yes, Captain. Or he is. It depends on your point of view, doesn't it?

=== ''[[w:The City on the Edge of Forever|The City on the Edge of Forever]]''===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': My friend is obviously Chinese. I see you've noticed the ears. They're actually easy to explain.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child.
:'''Kirk''': ...The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical... rice picker.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Edith Keeler''': One day soon, man is going to be able to harness incredible energies, maybe even the atom... energies that could ultimately hurl us to other worlds in... in some sort of spaceship. And the men that reach out into space will be able to find ways to feed the hungry millions of the world and to cure their diseases. They will be able to find a way to give each man hope and a common future. And those are the days worth living for.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Edith Keeler''': I think that one day they're going to take all the money that they spend now on war and death...
:'''Kirk''': And make them spend it on life.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Edith Keeler''': You know as well as I do how out of place you two are around here.
:'''Spock''': Interesting. Where would you estimate we belong, Miss Keeler?
:'''Edith Keeler''': ''[to Spock]'' You? At his side. As if you've always been there and always will. ''[to Kirk]'' And you... you belong... in another place. I don't know where or how... I'll figure it out eventually.
:'''Spock''': I'll finish with the furnace.
:'''Edith Keeler''': '..., Captain.' Even when he doesn't say it, he does.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I am endeavoring, Madam, to construct a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bear skins.

=== ''[[w:Operation: Annihilate!|Operation: Annihilate!]]''===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I am a Vulcan, doctor. Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': You're only half Vulcan. What about the human half?
:'''Spock''': It is proving to be an inconvenience, but it is manageable.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I admire your curiosity Doctor, but I assure you I'm all right.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': You may be controlling the pain, Mr. Spock... but you're far from all right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': ''[presenting the first findings on the alien creature]'' Interesting, gentlemen. A one-cell creature resembling, more than anything else, a huge, individual brain cell.
:'''Kirk''': Yes. That would answer a lot of questions.
:'''Spock''': Do you understand what I'm suggesting, Captain?
:'''Kirk''': I think so. This may be one cell in a larger organism, an incredibly huge organism, in fact.
:'''Spock''': And although it is not physically connected to the other cells, it is, nevertheless, part of the whole creature, guided by the whole, drawing its strength from the whole, which probably accounts for its unusual resistance to our phaser weapons.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[narrating]'' Captain's log, stardate 3289.8. I am faced with the most difficult decision of my life. Unless we find a way to destroy the creatures without killing their human hosts, my command responsibilities will force me to kill over a million people.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, regaining eyesight would be an emotional experience for most. You, I presume felt nothing?
:'''Spock''': Quite the contrary, Captain, I had a very strong reaction. My first sight was the face of Dr. McCoy bending over me.
:'''McCoy''': Hm, 'tis a pity brief blindness did not increase your appreciation for beauty, Mr. Spock.

== Season 2 ==

=== ''[[w:Amok Time|Amok Time]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Come in, Spock. I'm all ready for you.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': My orders were to report to Sickbay, Doctor. I have done so. And now I'll go to my quarters.
:'''McCoy''': ''My'' orders were to give you a thorough physical! In case you hadn't noticed, I have to answer to the same commanding officer that you do! ''[brief pause]'' Come on, Spock. Yield to the logic of the situation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Stonn. She is yours. After a time, you may find that ''having'' is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is ''not'' logical...but it is often true.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:T'Pau (Star Trek)|T'Pau]]''': Live long and prosper, Spock.
:'''Spock''': I shall do neither. I have killed my captain... and my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': ''[After realizing that Kirk is not, in fact, dead.]'' Jim! ''[Catching himself before he displays further emotion]'' I am...pleased to see you, Captain; you seem...uninjured.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me that when you first saw Jim alive that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would have brought the house down.
:'''Spock''': Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand.
:'''Spock''': Thank you, Captain.
:'''McCoy''': Of course, Mr. Spock. Your reaction was quite logical...
:'''Spock''': Thank ''you,'' Doctor.
:'''McCoy''': ...in a pig's eye!

=== ''[[w:Who Mourns for Adonais?|Who Mourns for Adonais?]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Insults are effective only where emotion is present.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Apollo''': I am Apollo!
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' And I am the Tsar of all the Russias!
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Mr. Chekov...
:'''Chekov''': I'm sorry, Captain. I never met a god before.
:'''Kirk''': And you haven't yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mankind has no need of [[w:Polytheism|gods]]...we find [[w:Monotheism|the one]] quite adequate.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Captain, we've got to do something.
:'''Kirk''': We ''were'' doing something, until our brave lady stepped in and saved us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Would it have hurt us, I wonder, just to have gathered a few laurel leaves?

=== ''[[w:The Changeling (TOS episode)|The Changeling]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': He's dead, Jim.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': That unit is a woman.
:'''[[w:Nomad (Star Trek)|Nomad]]''': A mass of conflicting impulses.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nomad''': You are the creator.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': But I admit, I am imperfect. How could I have created a perfect being like you?
:'''Nomad''': Answer unknown. I shall analyze... Analysis complete: Insufficient data to resolve problem.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': I am the Kirk, the creator?
:'''Nomad''': You are the creator.
:'''Kirk''': You're WRONG! Jackson Roykirk, your creator, is DEAD, you have mistaken me for him! You are in error!... You did not discover your mistake, you have made TWO errors. You are flawed and IMPERFECT. And you have not corrected by sterilization, you have made THREE errors!
:'''Nomad''': Error... Error... Error... Examine...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We've got to get rid of it while it's trying to think.
:'''Spock''': Your logical was impeccable, Captain. We are in grave danger.

=== ''[[w:Mirror, Mirror (TOS episode)|Mirror, Mirror]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Conquest is easy. Control is not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': How long before the Halkan prediction of Galactic revolt is realized?
:'''Mirror Spock''': Approximately 240 years.
:'''Kirk''': The inevitable outcome?
:'''Mirror Spock''': The Empire shall be overthrown, of course.
:'''Kirk''': The illogic of waste, Mr. Spock. The waste of lives, potential, resources, time... I submit to you that your Empire is illogical, because it cannot endure. I submit that ''you'' are illogical to being a willing part of it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mirror Spock''': It is time.
:'''Kirk''': In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.
:'''Mirror Spock''': Captain Kirk, I shall consider it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mirror Spock''': One man cannot summon the future.
:'''Kirk''': But one man can change the present.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': What I don't understand is how you were able to identify our counterparts so quickly.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': It was far easier for you as civilized men to behave like barbarians, than it was for them as barbarians to behave like civilized men. I assume they returned to their ''Enterprise'' at the same time you appeared here.
:'''Kirk''': Probably. However, that Jim Kirk will find a few changes, if I read my Spocks correctly.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. It gave him character. Of course, almost ''any'' change would be a distinct improvement.
:'''Kirk''': What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart.
:'''Spock''': Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous; in every way, ''splendid'' examples of ''homo sapiens'', the very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing. ''[he returns to the science station]''
:'''Kirk''': I'm not sure, but I think we've just been insulted.
:'''McCoy''': ''I'm'' sure.

=== ''[[w:The Apple (TOS episode)|The Apple]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Are you trying to get yourself killed? Do you know how much Starfleet has invested in you?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': One hundred, twenty-two thousand, two hundred—
:'''Kirk''': Never mind. But… thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Akuta''': Love. Strange words, &quot;children,&quot; &quot;love&quot;. What is love?
:'''Yeoman Landon''': Love is when two people are-
:'''Akuta''': Ah, the holding, the touching. Vaal has forbidden this.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Well there goes paradise.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': And you'll learn something about men and women-- the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call... love. You'll like that, too, a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Well, I don’t agree with you at all, Mr. Spock.
:'''Spock''': That's not unusual, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': It makes me homesick. Just like Russia.
:'''McCoy''': More like the Garden of Eden, Ensign.
:'''Chekov''': Of course, Doctor. The Garden of Eden was just outside Moscow. A wery nice place. It must have made Adam and Eve wery sad to leave.
:'''Kirk''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Just....outside Moscow, all right.

=== ''[[w:The Doomsday Machine (TOS episode)|The Doomsday Machine]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Matt Decker|Decker]]''': ''[describing the planet killer]'' They say there's no devil, Jim, but there is. Right out of hell! I saw it!
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Matt, where's your crew?
:'''Decker''': On the third planet.
:'''Kirk''': There is no third planet.
:'''Decker''': Don't you think I ''know'' that?! There was, but not anymore! They called me, they begged me for help, 400 of them! I couldn't! I-I ''couldn't''! ''[breaks into sobbing]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Bones... ya ever hear of a 'doomsday machine'?
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': No... I'm a doctor, not a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
:'''McCoy''': In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky.
:'''Spock''': I believe I said that, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Decker has taken command of the'' Enterprise'']''
:'''McCoy''': You can't let him do this, Spock!
:'''Decker''': You are out of line, Doctor.
:'''McCoy''': So are you!
:''[pause]''
:'''McCoy''': ...sir!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[Upon hearing he has phasers available]'' Scotty! You've just earned your pay for the week!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, relieve Commodore Decker immediately. That's a direct order.
:'''Decker''': You can't relieve me and you know it, according to regulations...
:'''Kirk''': BLAST REGULATIONS! Mr. Spock, I order you to assume command on my personal authority as Captain of the ''Enterprise''.
:'''Spock''': Commodore Decker, you are relieved of command.
:'''Decker''': I don't recognize your authority to relieve me.
:'''Spock''': You may file a formal protest with Starfleet Command, assuming we survive to reach a Starbase, but you ''are'' relieved. Commodore, I do not wish to place you under arrest.
:'''Decker''': You wouldn't dare.
:''[Mr. Spock waves two security guards forward, who immediately move to flank Decker.]''
:'''Decker''': You're bluffing.
:'''Spock''': Vulcans never bluff.
:'''Decker''': No. No, I don't suppose that they do. Very well, Mr. Spock, the bridge is yours.

=== ''[[w:Catspaw (TOS episode)|Catspaw]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Spock, comment.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Very bad poetry, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': A more useful comment, Mr Spock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': If we weren't missing two officers and a third one dead, I'd say someone was playing an elaborate trick or treat on us.
:'''Spock''': Trick or treat, Captain?
:'''Kirk''': Yes, Mr Spock. You'd be a natural.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': You can't think a man to death.

=== ''[[w:I, Mudd|I, Mudd]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents?
:'''Harry Mudd''': Well, actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free enterprise system, I found myself in a rather ambiguous conflict as a matter of principle.
:'''Spock''': He did ''not'' pay royalties.
:'''Harry Mudd''': Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
:'''Kirk''': Who caught you?
:'''Harry Mudd''': That, sir, is an outrageous assumption.
:'''Kirk''': Yes. Who caught you?
:'''Harry Mudd''': I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesiser.
:'''Kirk''': And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
:'''Harry Mudd''': How'd you know?
:'''Kirk''': That's what I would have done.
:'''Harry Mudd''': It's typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour. They arrested me.
:'''McCoy''': Oh, I find that shocking.
:'''Harry Mudd''' ''(mistaking sarcasm for sympathy)'': Worse than that! Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb V?
:'''Spock''': The guilty party has his choice: death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
:'''Harry Mudd''': The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was...&quot;death&quot;. Barbarians! Well, of course, I...left.
:'''Kirk''': He broke jail.
:'''Harry Mudd''': I, er, I borrowed transportation -
:'''Kirk''': He stole a spaceship.
:'''Harry Mudd''': The patrol reacted in a hostile manner -
:'''Kirk''': They ''fired'' at him.
:'''Harry Mudd''': They've got no respect for private property, they damaged the bloody spaceship!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Well, opinions?
:'''Chekov''': I think we're in a lot of trouble.
:'''Kirk''': That's a ''great'' help, Mister Chekov. Bones?
:'''McCoy''': I think Mister Chekov's right. We ''are'' in a lot of trouble.
:'''Kirk''': Spock? - and if you say we're in a lot of trouble -!
:'''Spock''' ''[eyebrow raised]'': We ''are.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': ''[pointing to Alice #27]'' I love ''you''. ''[looking to Alice #210]'' However, I ''hate'' you.
:'''Alice #210''': But I am identical in every way with Alice 27.
:'''Spock''': Yes, of course. That is ''exactly'' why I hate you. Because you are identical.
:''[Alice #27 and Alice #210 are unable to understand. Their badges glow and beep as they process what Spock has said, but then they shut down from the effort.]''
:'''Spock''': Fascinating. ''[departs]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Norman and the other Androids have been reprogrammed, Kirk and company prepare to leave Planet Mudd]''
:'''Harry Mudd''': But what do I do? Kirk, I'm no scientist.
:'''Kirk''': No, you're an irritant. You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure. They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.
:'''Harry Mudd''': How long?
:'''Kirk''': As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry. It's up to you.
:'''Harry Mudd''': I suppose that taking everything into consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage. And as detention sentences go, this one isn't too uncomfortable. And I'm back in the galaxy again!
:'''Kirk''': Yes, you are. Oh, there's one more thing, Harry. We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need. She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids and not exploit them.
:'''Harry Mudd''': I call that unexpectedly civil of you, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': Yes.
:'''Stella Mudd''': ''[offscreen]'' Harcourt! ''[Mudd looks horrified]'' Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to...?
:'''Harry Mudd''': Shut UP!
:''[To Mudd's horror, Stella Mudd won't shut up on command (at the start, he was able to control the sole android of this type) - and there are 500 copies of her...]''

: ...
:'''Harry Mudd''': OH NO....KIRK, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! IT'S ''INHUMAN!''
:'''Kirk''': ''[mockingly]'' Good-bye, Harry. HAVE FUN!

=== ''[[w:Metamorphosis (TOS episode)|Metamorphosis]]'' ===
:''[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy discover that the man called Cochrane is really the famous Zefram Cochrane]''
:'''[[w:Zefram Cochrane|Zefram Cochrane]]''': Believe me, Captain, immortality consists largely of boredom. What's it like out there in the galaxy?
:'''Kirk''': We're on a thousand planets and spreading out. We cross fantastic distances and everything's alive, Cochrane. Life everywhere. We estimate there are millions of planets with intelligent life. We haven't begun to map them. Interesting?
:'''Cochrane''': How would you like to sleep for a hundred and fifty years and wake up in a new world?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[about rigging the universal translator to communicate with the Companion]'' Not 100 percent efficient, of course, but nothing ever is.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Zefram Cochrane's disgusted at learning the Companion has feelings for him]''
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': There's nothing disgusting about it. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
:'''Zefram Cochrane''': You're as bad as it is.
:'''Spock''': Your highly emotional reaction is most illogical. Your relationship with the Companion has for one hundred and fifty years been emotionally satisfying, eminently practical, and totally harmless. It may indeed have been quite beneficial.
:'''Cochrane''': Is this what the future holds? Men who have no notion of decency or morality? Maybe I'm a hundred and fifty years out of style, but I'm not going to be fodder for any inhuman monster. ''[leaves]''
:'''Spock''': Fascinating. A totally parochial attitude.
:'''Nancy Hedford''': Doctor, Doctor...
:'''McCoy''': Right here, Miss Hedford.
:'''Nancy''': ''[speaking weakly from her fever]'' I heard. He was loved. And he ''resents'' it.
:'''McCoy''': You just rest.
:'''Nancy''': I've always been good at my job. But I've never been loved. Never. What sort of a life is that? Never being loved. Never... to have shown love. And he runs away from love. ''[breaks down sobbing]''

=== ''[[w:Journey to Babel|Journey to Babel]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Amanda Grayson|Amanda Grayson]]''': After all these years among humans, you still haven't learned to smile.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Humans smile with so little provocation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': There is no logic in Gav's murder.
:'''Shras''': Perhaps you should forget logic and devote yourself to motivations of passion or gain; these are reasons for murder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Amanda Grayson appeals to Spock about undergoing a blood transfusion to save his father, Sarek, but Spock is too stubborn and harps on about being a Vulcan]''
:'''Spock''': It means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life, which is logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
:'''Amanda Grayson''': When you were five years old and came home stiff-lipped, anguished, because the other boys tormented you, saying that you weren't really Vulcan, I watched you knowing that, inside... that the human part of you was crying, and I cried, too. There must be some part of me in you, some part that I still can reach. If being Vulcan is more important to you, then you'll stand there speaking rules and regulations from Starfleet and Vulcan philosophy and... and let your father die, and... then I'll hate you for the rest of my life.
:'''Spock''': Mother...
:'''Amanda''': Oh, go to him. Now. Please.
:'''Spock''': I cannot. ''[gets slapped by Amanda, who leaves the room]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amanda Grayson''': And you, Sarek. Would you also say thank you to your son?
:'''[[w:Sarek|Sarek]]''': I don't understand.
:'''Amanda Grayson''': For saving your life.
:'''Sarek''': Spock acted in the only logical manner open to him. One does not thank logic, Amanda.
:'''Amanda Grayson''': Logic! Logic! I am sick to death of logic! Do you want to know how I feel about your logic?!
:'''Spock''': Emotional, isn't she?
:'''Sarek''': She has always been that way.
:'''Spock''': Indeed? Why did you marry her?
:'''Sarek''': At the time, it seemed the ''logical'' thing to do. ''[She smiles, realizing they're teasing her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Bones. ''[He starts to collapse]'' No, no, I'm all right.
:''[McCoy helps him onto a bed]''
:'''McCoy''': If you keep arguing with your kindly family doctor, you're going to spend your next ten days right here. If you co-operate, you'll be out in two.
:'''Spock''': ''[starting to rise from his bed]'' Doctor, I'll return to my station now.
:'''McCoy''': You ''are'' at your station, Mister Spock!
:'''Kirk''': Doctor McCoy, I believe you're enjoying all this.
:'''Spock''': Indeed, Captain. I've never seen him look so happy.
:'''McCoy''': Shut up! ''[to Kirk]'' Shh! Shh! ''[to camera]'' Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word.

=== ''[[w:Friday's Child (TOS episode)|Friday's Child]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': What Maab has said is true. Our customs are different. What the Klingon has said is unimportant, and we do not hear his words. ''[Aside, to Kirk]'' I just called the Klingon a liar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kras''': We Klingons believe as you do. The sick should die. Only the strong should live.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': I'm a doctor, not an escalator.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Oochy-woochy-koochy-coo.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': &quot;Oochy wootchy koochy coo,&quot; Captain?
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': An obscure Earth dialect, Mr. Spock. Oochy-woochy-koochy-coo. If you're curious, consult linguistics.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': The child was named Leonard...James...Akaar?!
:'''McCoy''': Has a kind of a...ring to it, don't you think, James?
:'''Kirk''': Yes. I think it's a name...destined to go down in galactic history, Leonard - what do you think, Spock?
:'''Spock''': I think you're ''both'' going to be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month ... ''Sir''.

=== ''[[w:The Deadly Years|The Deadly Years]]'' ===
:'''Dr. Janet Wallace''': The heart is not a logical organ.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at the bridge, Chekov is flustered over the repeat checkups in sickbay]''
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': 'Give us some more blood, Chekov.' 'The needle won't hurt, Chekov.' 'Take off your shirt, Chekov.' 'Roll over, Chekov.' 'Breathe deeply, Chekov.' 'Blood sample, Chekov.' 'Marrow sample, Chekov.' 'Skin sample, Chekov.' IF...if I live long enough, I'm going to run out of samples!
:'''[[w:Hikaru Sulu|Sulu]]''': You'll live.
:'''Chekov''': Oh yes, I'll live, but I won't enjoy it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Kirk fumes at learning Commodore Stocker is taking command of the Enterprise]''
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Don't talk to me about rank! The man's a chair-bound paper-pusher! I order you to take command.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Total senility?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Yes, Captain. In a very short time.
:'''Kirk''': What a way to die. All right. I want all the research facilities, all the scientific technicians, to start round-the-clock research immediately. I want the answers, and I want the remedy. Let's start by finding out why Chekov hasn't been affected.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': I'm doing what I can. ''[to Spock]'' You're perfectly healthy.
:'''Spock''': ''[sitting up]'' I must differ with you, Doctor. I'm having difficulty concentrating, which is most disturbing. My eyesight appears to be failing, and the normal temperature of the ship seems to me to be increasingly cold.
:'''McCoy''': I did not say you were not ''affected'', Mr. Spock! You are perfectly healthy...that is, for any normal Vulcan on the high side of a hundred!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I have a question for the doctor. ''[Kirk leaves]'' Doctor, the ship's temperature is increasingly uncomfortable for me. I've adjusted the environment in my quarters to one hundred twenty five degrees, which is at least tolerable. However, I -
:'''McCoy''': Well, I see I'm not going to be making any house calls on ''you!''
:'''Spock''': I wondered if perhaps there was something which could lower my sensitivity to cold.
:'''McCoy''': I'm not a magician, Spock - just an old country doctor.
:'''Spock''': Yes...as I always suspected.

=== ''[[w:Obsession (TOS episode)|Obsession]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Intuition, however illogical, Mr. Spock, is recognized as a command prerogative.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': I'll bet he ''[Spock]'' left a bad taste in the creature's mouth, too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Thank heaven!
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Mr Scott, there was no deity involved. It was my cross-circuiting to B that recovered them.
:'''McCoy''': Then thank pitchforks and pointed ears.

=== ''[[w:Wolf in the Fold|Wolf in the Fold]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': In the strict scientific sense, Doctor, we all feed on death, even vegetarians.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Women are more easily and more deeply terrified, generating more sheer horror than the male of the species.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Computer. This is a Class-A compulsory directive. Compute, to the last digit, the value of pi.

=== ''[[w:The Trouble With Tribbles|The Trouble With Tribbles]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': When are y'gonna get off that milk diet, lad?
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': This is vodka!
:'''Scotty''': Where I come from, that's soda pop. Now, ''this'' is a drink for a ''man.''
:'''Chekov''': Scotch?
:'''Scotty''': Aye.
:'''Chekov''': It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': A most curious creature, Captain. ''[He puts the tribble to his ear]'' Its trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. ''[mild shrug]'' Fortunately, of course, I am ''[he starts to sound drowsy]''...immune to its...effect...''[by this point he's nearly asleep on his feet. He abruptly wakes with a jerk and quickly puts the tribble down]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Doctor, I am well aware of human characteristics. I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with practically anything.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Spock, I don’t know too much about these little tribbles yet, but there is one thing that I ''have'' discovered.
:'''Spock''': What is that, Doctor?
:'''McCoy''': I like them - better than I like ''you.''
:'''Spock''': Doctor, they do indeed have one redeeming characteristic: they do not talk too much.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Too much of anything, Lieutenant, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spock''': Captain, Starfleet was able to divert that freighter.
:'''Kirk''': Good. That means Sherman's Planet will get its quadrotriticale ''[he looks around the Bridge]''...only a few weeks late. I don't see any tribbles around here.
:'''McCoy''': And you won't find a tribble on this entire ship.
:'''Kirk''': Bones, how did you do it?
:'''McCoy''': I cannot take credit for another man's work. Scotty did it.
:'''Kirk''': Scotty! Where are the tribbles?
:'''Scotty''': Oh, er, Captain, it was really Mister Spock's recommendation.
:'''Kirk''': Of course. Spock.
:'''Spock''': Based on computer analysis, of course, taking into account the possibilities of -
:'''Kirk''': Gentlemen, I don't want to interrupt this mutual admiration society, but I'd like to know where the tribbles are.
:'''McCoy''': Tell him, Spock.
:'''Spock''': Well, it was Mister Scott who performed the actual engineering.
:'''Kirk''': Mister Scott. ''[slowly, for emphasis]'' Where are the tribbles?
:'''Scotty''': I used the transporter, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': You used the transporter?
:'''Scotty''': Aye.
:'''Kirk''': Where did you transport them? Scott, you didn't transport them into space, did you?
:'''Scotty''': Captain Kirk, that'd be inhuman!
:'''Kirk''': Well, where ''are'' they?
:'''Scotty''': I gave them a good home, sir.
:'''Kirk''': ''[exasperated now]'' Where?!
:'''Scotty''': I gave them to the Klingons, sir.
:'''Kirk''': ''[whisper]'' You gave them to the Klingons?!
:'''Scotty''': Aye, sir. Before they went into warp, I transported the whole kit and kaboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.

=== ''[[w:The Gamesters of Triskelion|The Gamesters of Triskelion]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': You mean ... you're gonna leave here without them, and run off on some wild goose chase halfway across the galaxy, just because you found a discrepancy in a hydrogen cloud?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Doctor, I'm chasing the Captain, Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov, not some wild aquatic fowl.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Well, Mr. Spock, if you’re going into the lion’s den, you’ll need a medical officer.
:'''Spock''': Daniel, as I recall, had only his faith, but I welcome your company, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': My people pride themselves on being the greatest, most successful gamblers in the universe. We compete for everything -- power, fame, women -- everything we desire, and it is our nature ... to win.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We have found... that all life-forms in the galaxy are capable of superior development.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.

=== ''[[w:A Piece of the Action (Star Trek)|A Piece of the Action]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': You admit that?
:'''Spock''': To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''' ''[After Kirk tries to drive an automobile]'': Captain, you are an excellent starship commander. But as a taxi driver, you leave much to be desired.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': It was that bad?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Hold on, Spock. Out of the mouth of babes..
:'''Young street urchin''': Who are you callin' a babe?
:'''Kirk''': I'm callin' you a babe.
:'''Young street urchin''': You callin' me a babe?
:'''Kirk''': Yeah, I'm callin'- ''[Urchin produces a knife and holds it up to Kirk's face]'' I'm calling you a babe, but it's nothing personal.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Are you afraid of cars?
:'''Spock''': Not at all, Captain. It's your driving that alarms me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Well, Bones, in the language of the planet, what's your beef?

=== ''[[w:The Immunity Syndrome (TOS episode)|The Immunity Syndrome]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Brace yourself. The area of penetration will no doubt be sensitive.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Tell Doctor McCoy... he should have wished me luck.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Do not risk the ship further on my behalf.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Shut up, Spock! We're rescuing you!
:'''Spock''': Why, thank you, ''Captain'' McCoy.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': I've noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million. You speak about the objective hardness of the Vulcan heart, yet how little room there seems to be in yours.
:'''McCoy''': Suffer the death of thy neighbor, eh, Spock? You wouldn't wish that on us, would you?
:'''Spock''': It might have rendered your history a bit less bloody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Spock, you're alive!
:'''Spock''': Obviously, Captain.

=== ''[[w:A Private Little War|A Private Little War]]'' ===
:'''Nona''': There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Apella''': I thought my people would grow tired of killing, but you were right. They see that it is easier than trading, and it has pleasures. I feel it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': The only solution is what happened back then. A balance of power.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]''': And if the Klingons give their side even more?
:'''Kirk''': Then we arm our side with exactly that much more. A balance of power— the trickiest, most difficult, dirtiest game of them all, but the only one that preserves both sides.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': War isn't a good life, but it's life.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': We're very tired, Mr. Spock. Beam us up home.

=== ''[[w:Return to Tomorrow|Return to Tomorrow]]'' ===
:'''Sargon''': There comes to all races, an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': I don't understand.
:'''Sargon''': One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Bones? You could stop all this by saying no. That's why I called you all here together. We'll all be deeply involved. It must be unanimous.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Then I'll still want one question answered to my satisfaction. Why? Not a list of possible miracles, but a simple basic understandable ''why'' that overrides all danger. And let's not kid ourselves that there is no potential danger in this!
:'''Kirk''': They used to say that if Man was meant to fly, he'd have wings. But he ''did'' fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and then to the nearest star? That's like saying you wish that you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great-great-great-great-grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this. But I'm not because Doctor McCoy is ''right'' in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this. But ''I'' must point out that the possibilities, the potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great. Risk...risk is our ''business''. That's what this starship is all about. ''That's why we're aboard her.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Henoch''' ''[in Spock's body]'': This is an excellent body, Doctor. I seem to have received the best of the three-- strength, hearing, eyesight all far above your human norms. I'm surprised the Vulcans never conquered your race.
:'''McCoy''': The Vulcans worship peace above all, Henoch.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': I will not peddle flesh. I'm a physician.
:'''Thalassa''': A physician?!? In contrast to what we are, you are a prancing, savage medicine man! You dare defy one you should be on your knees worshipping? I could destroy you with a single thought!!

=== ''[[w:Patterns of Force (TOS episode)|Patterns of Force]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''' ''[notes Captain Kirk and his new Waffen-SS officer uniform]'': Your uniform, Captain.... You should make a very convincing Nazi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Eneg''': Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become... insensitive.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Underground hideout, as Daras and her men seemingly capture the Underground members and the Enterprise landing party]''
:'''Captainj Kirk''': I'm Captain James Kirk of the United Spaceship Enterprise. This is my first officer, Mister Spock. John Gill, your Fuhrer, was sent here by the Federation as a cultural observer.
:'''Daras''': You mean that the Führer is an alien?
:'''Spock''': That is correct.
:'''Daras''': I grew up to admire him, later to hate and despise everything he stands for. But I always thought he was one of us. Now to hear that he's an alien sent here to destroy us.
:'''Kirk''': That was not his mission, ever. He was sent here to observe, not to interfere. Something went wrong, and that's why we're here. To find out and to correct. We must see him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Very good, Spock. We'll make a human out of you yet.
:'''Spock''': I hope not!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Melakon arrests Spock and his group, John Gill suddenly appears not unlike his earlier state]''
:'''Fuhrer John Gill''': People. People of Ekos.
:'''Deputy Fuhrer Melakon''': ''[to soldier]'' Go to the booth. See to the Fuhrer at once. He's ill. Turn off that camera.
:'''Gill''': Hear me.
:'''Melakon''': ''[to guests]'' I suggest we leave and let our Fuhrer rest.
:'''Gill''': We were betrayed by a self-seeking adventurer who has led us all to the very brink of disaster. I order the immediate recall of the space fleet. This attack must stop. All units are to return to base. To Zeon I promise, this was not an aggression of Ekosian people. Only one evil man. Melakon is a traitor to his own people and all that we stand for. To the Zeon people, I promise reparation and - ''[is gunned down by Melakon firing at the curtained broadcast booth. Isak kills Melakon]''
:'''Party Chairman Eneg''': ''[seeing soldier aiming to shoot Isak]'' Wait, soldier. There's been enough killing. Now we'll start to live the way the Fuhrer meant us to live.
:'''Gill''': ''[to Kirk, dying in his arms]'' I was wrong. The non-interference Directive is the only way. We must stop the slaughter.
:'''Kirk''': You did that, Professor. You told them in time.
:'''Gill''': Even historians fail to learn from history. They repeat the same mistakes. Let the killing end. Let... ''[dies]''

=== ''[[w:By Any Other Name|By Any Other Name]]'' ===
:'''Rojan''': We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kelinda''': This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Yes?
:'''Kelinda''': You realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': You have a question?
:'''Kelinda''': Yes, I was wondering... would you please apologize to me again? ''[She wants another kiss from him.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': I found this on Ganyroom...er, Ganymerean...mede.
:'''Tomar''': What is it?
:'''Scotty''': Well, it's, er...''(he looks for a label - there isn't one. He uncorks and sniffs it, and finally goes with the only thing he knows for sure about it)''...it's green!

=== ''[[w:The Omega Glory|The Omega Glory]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': The infection resembles one developed by Earth during their bacteriological warfare experiments in the 1990s. Hard to believe we were once foolish enough to play around with that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cloud William''': Freedom?
:'''Kirk''': Spock.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Yes, I heard, Captain.
:'''Cloud William''': It is a worship word, Yang worship. You will not speak it.
:'''Kirk''': Well, well, well. It is... our worship word, too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sirah''': Yes, it is written. [[w:Good and evil|Good shall always destroy evil]].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Spock, I've found that [[w:Evil|evil]] usually triumphs...unless good is very, very careful.
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': This was not written for chiefs. ''(general consternation)'' Hear me! Hear this! Among my people, we carry many such words as this from many lands, many worlds. Many are equally good and are as well respected, but wherever we have gone, no words have said this thing of importance in quite this way. Look at these three words written larger than the rest, with a special pride never written before or since. Tall words proudly saying 'We the People'. That which you call Ee'd Plebnista was not written for the chiefs or the kings or the warriors or the rich and powerful, but for ''all'' the people! Down the centuries, you have slurred the meaning of the words, 'We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution.' These words, and the words that follow, were not only meant for the Yangs, but for the Kohms as well!
:'''Cloud''': The Kohms?
:'''Kirk''': They must apply to ''everyone,'' or they mean ''nothing!''

=== ''[[w:The Ultimate Computer|The Ultimate Computer]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man, and nothing can replace it or him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Richard Daystrom''': When a child is taught, it's programmed with simple instructions, and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. Did Einstein, Kazanga or Sitar of Vulcan produce new and revolutionary theories on a regular schedule? You can't simply say, &quot;Today I will be brilliant.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Compassion: that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The M5 computer has just vaporized one of Scotty's engineering crewmen]''
:'''Kirk''': That wasn't a simulation!! That wasn't a robot ship!! That thing just murdered one of my crew and now you tell me you can't turn it off!!
:'''Richard Daystrom''': It wasn't a deliberate act! M-5... needed a new power source. The Ensign -- simply got in the way.
:'''Kirk''': And how long before all of us simply get in the way?

=== ''[[w:Bread and Circuses (TOS episode)|Bread and Circuses]]'' ===
:'''Proconsul Claudius Marcus''': The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master of the Games''': You bring this station ratings down Flavius and we'll do a special on You!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': [''to Spock''] I'm trying to thank you, you pointy-eared hobgoblin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Do you know why you're not afraid to die, Spock? You're more afraid of living. Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peek out. That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. &quot;You're welcome,&quot; I believe is the correct response.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Proconsul Claudius Marcus''':Your a Roman Kirk or you should have been...Get away Merick the thoughts of two men cannot interest you...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Marcus tells Kirk they premented 15 minuites on the regualar showing on empire TV for Kirk live execution]''
:'''Proconsul Claudius Marcus''': You May Not understand because your centuries beyond anything as crude as Television.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Caesar and Christ... they had them both.

=== ''[[w:Assignment: Earth|Assignment: Earth]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on your human intuition.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gary Seven|Gary Seven]]''': That, Miss Lincoln, is simply my cat.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Live long and prosper.

==Season 3==

=== ''[[w:Spock's Brain|Spock's Brain]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': His brain is gone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kara''': Brain and brain — what is brain?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Captain, there is a definite pleasurable experience connected with the hearing of your voice.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': I knew it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it.
:'''Kirk''': What's that?
:'''McCoy''': I should have never reconnected his mouth.

=== ''[[w:The Enterprise Incident|The Enterprise Incident]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[having heard of Kirk's alibi for the Enterprise crossing the Neutral Zone, the Romulan Bird of Prey's female commander meets Spock]''
:'''Romulan Commander''': I must admit some surprise on seeing you, Spock. We were not aware of Vulcans aboard the Enterprise.
:'''Spock''': Starfleet is not in the habit of informing Romulans of its ships' personnel.
:'''Romulan Commander''': Quite so. Yet there are certain ships, certain officers, that are known to us. Your situation appears most interesting.
:'''Kirk''': What earns Spock your special interest?
:'''Romulan Commander''': He is a Vulcan. Our forebears had the same roots and origins. Something you wouldn't understand, Captain. We can appreciate the Vulcans, our distant brothers. I have heard of Vulcan integrity and personal honour. There's a well-known saying, or is it a myth, that Vulcans are incapable of lying?
:'''Spock''': It is no myth.
:'''Romulan Commander''': Then tell me truthfully now, by your honour as a Vulcan, what was your mission?
:'''Spock''': I reserve the privilege of speaking when it will not violate my honor as a Vulcan.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': It is not a lie to keep the truth to oneself.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Spock explains to the Romulan Commander that the Federation engineered the ruse to get the cloaking device]''
:'''Romulan Commander''': You realize that very soon we will learn to penetrate the cloaking device you stole.
:'''Spock''': Obviously. Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. I hope that you and I exchanged something more permanent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Sickbay to Bridge.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': What is it. Bones?
:'''McCoy''': Well, if all the shouting's over up there, I'd like for you to report to Sickbay.
:'''Kirk''': What for?
:'''McCoy''': Well, you're due in surgery. I'm going to bob your ears.
:''[Kirk reacts to that, not wanting such an unpleasant experience.]''
:'''Spock''': Captain... please go. Somehow they do not look aesthetically agreeable on humans.
:'''McCoy''': Well, are you coming, Jim, or do you want to go though life looking like your first officer?
:'''Kirk''': I'm on my way!

=== ''[[w:The Paradise Syndrome|The Paradise Syndrome]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Me bairns ... me poor, wee bairns!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miramanee''': The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Salish''': You bleed, Kirok! Behold the god who bleeds!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Time, Dr. McCoy, is the one thing we do not have in abundance. ''[In &quot;Star Trek: TNG&quot; (episode: &quot;Contagion&quot;), Captain Picard says almost the same line to Geordi La Forge. It has become a catch-phrase for Trekkies.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miramanee''': ''[to Kirk, her husband]'' Each kiss... is as the first.

=== ''[[w:And the Children Shall Lead|And the Children Shall Lead]]'' ===
:'''Professor Starnes''': Alien upon us... the enemy from within...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose and excluding that which is painful.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': Or by misleading the innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Most legends have their basis in fact.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Without followers, evil cannot spread.

=== ''[[w:Is There in Truth No Beauty?|Is There in Truth No Beauty?]]'' ===
:'''Larry Marvick''': Don't love her! She'll kill you if you love her! I love you, Miranda. ''[he dies]''
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': He's dead, Jim.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Miranda Jones''': I suppose it has thorns.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': I never met a rose that didn't.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Miranda Jones''': The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': And the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty.

=== ''[[w:Spectre of the Gun|Spectre of the Gun]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Half a gallon of scotch.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chekov, as Billy Claiborne, is not too happy that Kirk has stopped him from deeply kissing Sylvia]''
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': What can I do, Captain? You know we are always supposed to maintain good relations with the natives!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Spock notes how a forcefield stops them from getting out of town and thus avoid the upcoming showdown]''
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Physical reality is consistent with universal laws. Where the laws do not operate, there is no reality. All of this...is unreal.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Enterprise is hailed by the Melkotians]''
:'''Melkotian''': Captain Kirk. You did not kill. Is this the way of your kind?
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact. I speak for a vast alliance of fellow creatures who believe in the same thing. We have sought you out to join us. Our mission is still one of peace.
:'''Melkotian''': Approach our planet and be welcome. A delegation will come out to meet you. Our warning threats are over.
:'''Kirk''': Excellent. Lieutenant, cancel Red Alert. Mister Chekov, resume original course, warp factor two.
:'''Chekov''': Warp factor two, sir.
:'''Spock''': Captain. May I ask a question? You needn't answer if it seems too personal.
:'''Kirk''': I'm sure I'll be able to give you an answer, Mister Spock
:'''Spock''': This afternoon, you wanted to kill, didn't you?
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': But he ''didn't'' kill, Mister Spock.
:'''Spock''': But he ''wanted'' to, Doctor.
:'''Kirk''': Is that the way it seemed to you?
:'''Spock''': Yes, sir.
:'''Kirk''': Mister Spock... you're absolutely right. That's ''exactly'' the way it was.
:'''Spock''': Mankind. Ready to kill.
:'''Kirk''': That's the way it was in 1881.
:'''Spock''': I wonder how humanity managed to survive.
:'''Kirk''': ... We overcame our instinct for violence.

=== ''[[w:Day of the Dove|Day of the Dove]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': There's another way to survive-- Mutual trust and help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': No one can guarantee the actions of another.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Those who hate and fight must stop themselves, Doctor, otherwise it is not stopped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kang (Star Trek)|Kang]]''': Only a fool fights in a burning house.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Captain's log: Stardate...Armageddon.

=== ''[[w:The Tholian Web|The Tholian Web]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': Has there ever been a mutiny on a starship before?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Absolutely no record of such an occurrence, Ensign.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': We must accept the fact that Captain Kirk is no longer alive.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': There's no hurry, Mr. Spock. The antidote probably doesn't concern you. Vulcans are probably immune. So just take your time.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': ''[speaking to Spock and McCoy on a taped message]'' Bones. Spock. Since you are playing this tape, we will assume that I am dead. And the tactical situation is critical, and both of you are locked in mortal combat. It means, Spock, that you have control of the ship and are probably making the most difficult decisions of your career. I can offer only one small piece of advice, for whatever it's worth: use every scrap of knowledge and logic you have to save the ship. But temper your judgement with intuitive insight. I believe you have those qualities, but if you can't find them in yourself... seek out McCoy. Ask his advice. And if you find it sound... take it. Bones. You've heard what I've just told Spock. Help him if you can. But remember, ''he is the Captain''. His decisions ''must'' be followed, without question. You might find that he is capable of human insight and human error. They are most difficult to defend. But you will find he is deserving of the same loyalty and confidence each of you... have given me, Take care.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': What is it ''[the antidote]''?
:'''McCoy''': It's a diluted theragen derivative.
:'''Spock''': Theragen-- a nerve gas used by the Klingons.
:'''Scotty''': Aye, and deadly, too. What are you thinking of, Doc? Are you trying to kill us all?

=== ''[[w:For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky|For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky]]'' ===
:'''[[Old]] [[w:Man|Man]]''': For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Natira''': Is not that the nature of men and women? That the pleasure is in the learning of each other?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Natira''': Is truth not truth for all?

=== ''[[w:Plato's Stepchildren|Plato's Stepchildren]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': The release of emotions, Mr. Spock, is what keeps us healthy-- emotionally healthy, that is.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently very unhealthy for those closest to you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Alexander''': Become one of them?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Alexander, where I come from, size, shape, or color makes no difference.
:'''Kirk''': &amp; '''Spock''':
I'm Tweedledee, he's Tweedledum.&quot;
&quot;We're spacemen marching to and from.&quot;
&quot;We slythe among the mimsey toves.&quot;
&quot;And tire among the borogoves.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Take care, young ladies, and value your wine; Be watchful of young men in their velvet prime; Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs; Then swiftly be gone; Leaving bitter dregs; Ah, ah, bitter dregs. With smiling words and tender touch; Man offers little and asks for so much; He loves in the breathless excitement of night; Then leaves with your treasure in cold morning light; Ah, ah... in cold morning light.
:* ''[Maiden Wine, also known as Bitter Dregs]''
:'''Chapel''' {Forced to kiss Spock} &quot;For so long I've wanted to be close to you. Now all I want to do is crawl away and die!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Parmen''': Uncontrolled, power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all be counted upon to live down to our lowest impulses.

=== ''[[w:Wink of an Eye|Wink of an Eye]]'' ===
:'''Deela''': We have the right to survive.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Not by killing others.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': I found it an accelerating experience.

=== ''[[w:The Empath|The Empath]]'' ===
:'''Vian''': Their own fears killed them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': I'm a doctor, not a coal miner.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': I would say that she ''[Gem, the Empath]'' was a pearl of great price.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': What, Scott?
:'''Scotty''': Do you not know the story of the merchant? The merchant, who when he found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

=== ''[[w:Elaan of Troyius|Elaan of Troyius]]'' ===
:'''Elaan''': Were you responding to my demand for better quarters?
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk| Kirk]]''': There are none better. I suggest you make do with these.
:'''Elaan''': You suggest?!
:'''Kirk''': There are no more available, but if that's the only way you can get gratification, I'll arrange to have the whole room filled from floor to ceiling with breakable objects. ''[turns to go]''
:'''Elaan''': I did not give you permission to leave!
:'''Kirk''': ''[turns back and looks at her]'' I didn't ''ask'' for any.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ambassador Petri''': Captain, when I am near them, I do not want peace, I want to kill them!
:'''Kirk''': You're as bad as she is. It's not required that you like each other. Just... do your job.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Elaan''': We have granted your crew the permission not to kneel in our presence. What else do you want?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get to know each other.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Captain, your analysis of the situation was flawless, anticipating that she would deny you admittance. However, the logic by which you arrived at your conclusion escapes me.
:'''Kirk''': Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.

=== ''[[w:Whom Gods Destroy (TOS episode)|Whom Gods Destroy]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': They were humanitarians and statesmen, and they had a dream-- a dream that became a reality and spread throughout the stars. A dream that made Mr. Spock and I brothers.
:'''[[w:Garth of Izar|Garth of Izar]]''': Mr. Spock, you consider Captain Kirk and yourself brothers?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Captain Kirk speaks somewhat figuratively and with undue emotion. However, what he says is logical, and I do, in fact, agree with it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garth of Izar''': Queen to Queen's Level Three, Captain Kirk.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marta''': You mustn't stop me. He's my lover, and I have to kill him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': What maneuver did we use to defeat the Romulan vessel near Tau Ceti?
:'''Kirk or Garth as Kirk''': Very good, Spock. The Cochrane deceleration.
:'''Other Kirk or Garth as Kirk''': Spock. The Cochrane deceleration is a classic battle maneuver. Every Starship captain knows that.
:'''Spock''': Correct, Captain. ''[to both]'' Captains.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Why was it so impossible to tell us [''Garth and Kirk''] apart?
:'''Spock''': It was not ''impossible'', Captain. Our presence here is proof of that.
:'''Kirk''': Yes, and... congratulations. What took you so long?
:'''Spock''': The interval of uncertainly was actually fairly brief, Captain. It only ''seemed'' long to you. I was waiting for a victor in the hand-to-hand struggle, which I assumed would be Captain Garth. ''[Hastily explains]'' Because of your depleted condition. Failing a resolution to the struggle, I was forced to use other means to make my determination.
:'''Kirk''': I see. Mr. Spock, letting yourself be hit on the head—and I presume you ''let'' yourself be hit on the head—is not exactly a method King Solomon would have approved. ''[Spock opens his mouth to reply, stops in confusion]'' Mr. Scott, ready to beam up.
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Aye, aye, sir.

=== ''[[w:Let That Be Your Last Battlefield|Let That Be Your Last Battlefield]]'' ===
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': You may control the ship... but mine is the final command. From 0 to 5 no force in the universe can stop the destruct sequence. This is Captain Kirk. Destruct sequence 1, code 1-1A.
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': This is Science Officer Spock: Destruct sequence 2, code 1-1A-2B.
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scott]]''': This is Lieutenant Commander Scott: Destruct sequence 3, code 1B-2B-3.
:'''Computer''': Destruct sequence completed and engaged. Awaiting final code for 30 second countdown.
:'''Kirk''': Begin thirty second countdown. Code zero-zero-zero-destruct-zero.
:'''Computer''': Destruct sequence is activated. 30 seconds... 29... 28... 27... 25 seconds... 20 seconds... 15 seconds... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6...&quot;
:'''Bele''': I AGREE!!!
:'''Kirk''': Code 1-2-3-continuity, abort destruct order.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Change is the essential process of all existence.
:'''Bele''': I once heard that on some of your planets, people believe they are descended from apes.
:'''Spock''': The actual theory is that all lifeforms evolved from the lower levels to the more advanced stages.
:''[After Bele hears he will not retain Loki without Due Process.]'''
:'''Bele''': Yes, he will delay, evade, and escape again. And in the process put thousands of innocent beings at each others throats, getting them to kill and maim, for a cause which they have no stake in. But, which he will force them to violently espouse by twisting their minds with his lies, his loathsome accusations, and his foul threats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bele''': What do you do? Carry justice on your tongues? You will beg for it, but you won't fight or die for it!&quot;
:'''Kirk''': After so many years of leading the fight, you seem very much alive.
:'''Spock''': I doubt that the same can be said for many of his followers.
:'''Bele''': You're finished, Lokai! Oh, we've got your kind penned in on Cheron into little districts, and it's not going to change! You've combed the galaxy, and come up with nothing but monocolored trash, do-gooders, and bleeding hearts. You're DEAD, you half-white!
:'''Loki''': You useless pieces of bland flesh… I'll take you WITH me, you half-black!
:'''Kirk''': I do not make deals for control of this ship, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bele''': My people... all dead?
:'''Spock''': Yes, Commissioner. All of them.
:'''Lokai''': No one alive?
:'''Spock''': None at all, sir.
:'''Bele''': ''[turns on Lokai]'' Your band of murderers did this!
:'''Lokai''': ''[turns on Bele]'' You pyromanics!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': The cause you fought about no longer exists... Give up your hate.
:'''Lokai''': You're an idealistic dreamer! ''[flees toward the Transporter]''
:'''Kirk''': Bele, the chase is finished.
:'''Bele''': He must not escape me!
:'''Spock''': Where can he go?
:''[Bele glances at the devastated planet Cheron and purses Lokai.]''
:'''Kirk''': Bele!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Loki and Bele have beamed themselves down to Cheron]''
:'''Uhura''': It doesn't make any sense.
:'''Spock''': To expect sense from two mentalities of such extreme viewpoints, is not logical.
:'''[[w:Hikaru Sulu|Sulu]]''': But their planet is dead. Does it matter now which of them was right?
:'''Spock''': Not to Lokai and Bele. All that matters to them... is their hate.
:'''[[w:Uhura|Uhura]]''': Do you suppose that's all they had, sir?
:'''Kirk''': No. But it's all they have left.

=== ''[[w:The Mark of Gideon|The Mark of Gideon]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': We must acknowledge once and for all that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Lieutenant Uhura, has Starfleet honored our request with a reply?
:'''[[w:Uhura|Uhura]]''': There has been no response as yet, sir.
:'''Spock''': Did you advise them the Captain's life is at stake?
:'''Uhura''': Yes, sir. They insist the matter must be referred to the Federation.
:'''Spock''': What department?
:'''Uhura''': The Bureau of Planetary Treaties.
:'''Spock''': Contact them directly.
:'''Uhura''': I did, Mr. Spock. They insist that we must go through Starfleet channels.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Your Excellency, I am basically a scientist. Clarity of formulation is essential in my profession, also.
:'''Hodin''': I am glad to hear it. Perhaps you could then make greater effort to choose your words more precisely.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hodin''': The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That the love of life is the greatest gift. That is the one unshakable truth of Gideon. And this overwhelming love of life has developed our regenerative capacity and our longevity.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': And the great misery which you now face.
:'''Hodin''': That is bitterly true, Captain. Nevertheless, we cannot deny the truth which shaped our evolution. We are incapable of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so deeply — life in every form — from fetus to developed being.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': ''[about to take Kirk and Odona away]'' Your Excellency, please do not interfere. I already have one serious problem to resolve with upper echelons.

=== ''[[w:That Which Survives|That Which Survives]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Hikaru Sulu|Sulu]]''': Once in Siberia, there was a meteor so great that it flattened whole forests and was felt as...
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Mr. Sulu, If I'd wanted a [[w:Tunguska event|Russian history lesson]], I'd have brought along Mr. Chekov.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sulu''': What a terrible way to die.
:'''Kirk''': There are no good ways.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Spock has just announced how much time Scott has left before the'' Enterprise ''is destroyed.]''
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': ''[muttering]'' I know what time it is. I don't need a bloody cuckoo clock.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Mr. Scott, you have accomplished your task.
:'''Scotty''': You would at least say thank you.
:'''Spock''': For what purpose Mr. Scott? What is it in you humans...
:'''Scotty''': Never mind...
:'''Spock''': ...which requires an overwhelming display of emotion in situations such as this? Two men pursue the only reasonable course of action indicated, and yet you ''feel''... that something else is necessary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Beauty is transitory, Doctor. However, she was evidently highly intelligent.
:'''Kirk''': Kirk to ''Enterprise.'' Five to beam up. I don't agree with you, Mr. Spock.
:'''Spock''': Indeed, Captain?
:'''Kirk''': Beauty... survives.

=== ''[[w:The Lights of Zetar|The Lights of Zetar]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': I didn't think Mr. Scott would go for the brainy type.
:'''[[w:Hikaru Sulu|Sulu]]''': I don't think he's even noticed she has a brain.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': Well, I'm sure that's what the Lieutenant wants. She just didn't understand. ''[to Lt. Romaine]'' Did you now, lass?
:'''[[w:Christine Chapel|Christine Chapel]]''': ''[imitating Scotty's brogue]'' Well, with a bedside manner like that, Scotty, you're in the wrong business.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Scotty, where have you been? Where are you?
:'''Scotty''': In the Sick Bay.
:'''Kirk''': Are you sick?
:'''Scotty''': Oh, no. I was just checking on the lass. She's going to be fine and there's nothing wrong with her.
:'''Kirk''': Well, I'm relieved to hear your prognosis, Mr. Scott. Is the doctor there with you or will I find him in Engineering?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scotty''': Mira has tried to tell me all along that she was seeing things in advance.
:'''Kirk''': Why didn't you report it?
:'''Scotty''': You don't report space sickness. That's all I thought it was.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': You mean... love as motivation? Hmm. Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion.

=== ''[[w:Requiem for Methuselah|Requiem for Methuselah]]'' ===
:'''Flint''': Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Flint''': The intellect is not all... but its cultivation must come first, or the individual makes errors... wastes time in unprofitable pursuits.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': You said something about savagery, Mr. Flint. When was the last time you visited Earth?
:'''Flint''': You would tell me that it is no longer cruel. But it is, Captain. Look at your starship. Bristling with weapons. Its mission to colonize, exploit, destroy if necessary to advance Federation causes.
:'''Kirk''': Our missions are peaceful, our weapons defensive. If we were barbarians, we would not have asked for rytalin. Indeed, ''your'' greeting, not ours, lacked a certain benevolence.
:'''Flint''': The result of pressures which are... not... your concern
:'''Kirk''': Yes, well, those pressures are everywhere, ''in'' everyone, urging him to what you call savagery. The private hells, the inner needs and mysteries, the beast of instinct. As human beings, that is the way it is. To be human is to be complex. You can't avoid a little ugliness from within... and from without.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': The joys of love made her human, and the agonies of love destroyed her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him. Because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries. The broken rules. The desperate chances. The glorious failures, and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word &quot;love&quot; isn't written into your book.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': ''[mind-melding with Kirk, who wished he could forget about Rayna]'' Forget ...

=== ''[[w:The Way to Eden|The Way to Eden]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': I believe I know one of them. At least, I think I recognize her voice. Her name is... Irina Galliulin. We were in Starfleet Academy together.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': One of ''those''... was in the Academy?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': They really believe that (''the planet'') Eden exists?
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Many myths are based on truth, Captain. And they are not unintelligent. Their leader, Dr. Sevrin, is a man --
:'''Kirk''': ''[surprised]'' Dr. Sevrin is their leader?
:'''Spock''': Yes. A brilliant research engineer in the fields of acoustics, communications and electronics on Tiberon. He was dismissed from his post when he started this movement. Tong Rad inherits his father's extraordinary abilities in the field of space studies.
:'''Kirk''': But... they've ''rejected'' all that, and all that this technology provides. And they seek the primitive.
:'''Spock''': There are many who are... uncomfortable with what we have created. It is almost a biological rebellion. A profound revulsion against the planned communities. The programming. The sterilized, artfully balanced atmospheres. They hunger for an Eden... where spring comes.
:'''Kirk''': We all do. The cave is deep in our memory.
:'''Spock''': Yes, that is true, Captain.
:'''Kirk''': But we don't steal space cruisers and act like irresponsible children. What makes you so sympathetic toward them?
:'''Spock''': It is not &quot;sympathy&quot; so much as curiosity, Captain. A wish to understand. They regard themselves as aliens in their own worlds. A condition with which I am somewhat familiar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': Spock.... What does &quot;Herbert&quot; mean?
:'''Spock''': ''[uncomfortable]'' It is, uh... somewhat, uh... uncomplimentary, Captain. Herbert was a minor official... notorious for his rigid and limited patterns of thought.
:'''Kirk''': ''[taking that in]'' Well, I shall try to be less rigid in my thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': I don't know why a young mind has to be an undisciplined one. They're troublemakers.
:'''Kirk''': I used to get into a little trouble when I was that age, Scotty. Didn't you?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Miss Galliulin. It is my sincere wish that you do not give up your search for Eden. I have no doubt but that you ''will'' find it. Or make it, yourselves.
:'''Irina''': Thank you. ''[leaves the bridge. Chekov and Spock go back to their stations.]''
:'''Kirk''': We... ''reach'', Mr. Spock.

=== ''[[w:The Cloud Minders|The Cloud Minders]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Extreme feminine beauty... is always... disturbing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': Violence in reality is quite different from theory.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vanna''': It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can do so much harm.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what's kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries-- a mistaken idea.

=== ''[[w:The Savage Curtain|The Savage Curtain]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Surak|Surak]]''': I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Colonel Phillip Green|Colonel Green]]''': History tends to exaggerate.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Colonel Green''': No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.
:'''Surak''': He talks peace if it is the only way to live.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Yarnek''': It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted. However, you have failed to demonstrate to me any of the difference between your philosophies. Your good and your evil use the same methods, achieve the same results.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': There's still so much of their work (''Lincoln's and Surak's'') to be done in the galaxy, Spock.

=== ''[[w:All Our Yesterdays (TOS episode)|All Our Yesterdays]]'' ===
:'''Mr. Atoz''': Wait! I haven't prepared you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': We are in a wilderness of arctic characteristics.
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|McCoy]]''': He means it's cold!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hag''': Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''McCoy''': Think, Spock – what's happening on your planet right now?
:'''Spock''': My people are barbarians... warlike barbarians.
:'''McCoy''': Who nearly killed themselves off with their own passions. Spock – you're reverting back to the ways of your ancestors... five thousand years before you were born!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spock''': There's no further need to observe me, Doctor. As you can see, I've returned to the present in every sense.
:'''McCoy''': But it did happen, Spock.
:'''Spock''': Yes, it happened. But that was five thousand years ago. And she is dead now. Dead and buried. Long ago.

=== ''[[w:Turnabout Intruder|Turnabout Intruder]]'' ===
:'''Dr. Janice Lester''': ''[in Kirk's body]'' Youth doesn't excuse everything.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Janice Lester''': ''[in Kirk's body]'' Love? Him? I love the life he led. The [[w:Power (social and political)|power]] of a starship commander. It's my life now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]''': I've seen the captain feverish, sick, drunk, delirious, terrified, overjoyed, boiling mad. But up to now, I have never seen him red-faced with hysteria.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Pavel Chekov|Chekov]]''': Captain Kirk would never order an execution; that cannot be the captain!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Janice Lester''': I've lost..To the Captain...Kill Him....Now I'll never Command a starship
:''[last scene of series, Kirk laments Dr Lester's nervous breakdown]''
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|Kirk]]''': Her life could've been as rich as any woman's... if only... if only...&quot;
In the short story version by [[w:James Blish|James Blish]], Spock finishes the sentence, adding: &quot;If only she had been able to take pride in being a woman.&quot;

== Original pilot ==

=== ''[[w:The Cage (TOS episode)|The Cage]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Phillip Boyce|Dr. Phillip Boyce]]''': Sometimes, a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Boyce''': A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he... turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
:'''[[w:Christopher Pike (Star Trek)|Christopher Pike]]''': Now you're beginning to talk like a doctor, bartender.
:'''Dr. Boyce''': Take your choice. We both get the same two kinds of customers-- the living and the dying.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Christopher Pike''': There's a way out of any cage.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vina''': When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, building, creating. You even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit, living and reliving other lives left behind in the thought records.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Keeper''': She has an illusion and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant.

== Unidentified episode == &lt;!-- DO NOT REMOVE THIS HEADING --&gt;
:'''Unknown''': Warp Speed, Mr. Sulu. (Checked: Kirk never actually utters these words in the series. At the end of the Man Trap, he does say, for the first time, &quot;Warp One, Mr. Sulu&quot;. Kirk also says this in the film [[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]])

== Repeated lines ==
[[File:Grand_Turk(34).jpg|thumb|Captain's log, Stardate ____._]]
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]''': Captain's log, Stardate ____._
:* ''[various episodes]''

:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]''': I'm a doctor, not a ______________!
:* ''[various episodes]''
:* Examples: a moon shuttle conductor / bricklayer / psychiatrist / mechanic / engineer / scientist / physicist / escalator / magician / miracle worker / flesh peddler / veterinarian.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]''' He's dead, Jim! (Var.: &quot;She's...&quot; or &quot;It's...&quot;)
:*''[various episodes]''
:* DeForest Kelley first uttered the line &quot;He's dead, Captain&quot; as a military physician in the 1956 film, &quot;The Man in The Grey Flannel Suit&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': [[w:Vulcan salute|Live long and prosper]].
:* ''[This phrase was first uttered in &quot;[[#Amok Time|Amok Time]]&quot;.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Why, thank you, [Doctor / Captain].
:* ''[various episodes, usually as a riposte during verbal sparring matches.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Fascinating.
:* ''[various episodes, whenever anything fascinating occurs.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Spock|Spock]]''': Interesting.
:* ''[various episodes, whenever anything interesting occurs; Spock reserves &quot;Fascinating&quot; for unexpected events.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;&lt;span id=&quot;intro-tos&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]''': Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship ''Enterprise''. Its five-year mission to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. '''To boldly go where no man has gone before'''.
:* ''[introduction to each original-series episode]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]''': Set phasers to stun.
:* ''[various episodes, standard instruction to the away team while assessing the situation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Uhura|Uhura]]''': Hailing frequencies open.
:* ''[various episodes, whenever Kirk felt it necessary to talk with an alien vessel.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ship Computer''': Destruct sequence engaged. Awaiting final code for thirty second countdown.
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]''': Computer, this is Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Begin thirty second countdown. Code zero zero zero. Destruct. Zero.
:* ''Whenever command of the Enterprise is compromised, first uttered in &quot;[[#Let That Be Your Last Battlefield|Let That Be Your Last Battlefield]].&quot;''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]''': Computer. This is Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Code one, two, three continuity. Abort destruct order. Repeat code one, two, three continuity. Abort destruct order.
:'''Ship Computer''': Destruct order aborted. Destruct order aborted.
:* ''Whenever command of the Enterprise is compromised, first uttered in &quot;[[#Let That Be Your Last Battlefield|Let That Be Your Last Battlefield]].&quot;''

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* Beam me up, Scotty. - [[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]
** Several variants of this do occur in the series, such as &quot;Beam me aboard&quot;, &quot;Beam us up home&quot;, or &quot;Two to beam up&quot;, but &quot;[[w:Beam me up, Scotty|Beam me up, Scotty]]&quot; was never said during the run of the original ''Star Trek'' series. The closest Kirk ever came to was in &quot;The Gamesters of Triskelion&quot; when he uttered &quot;Scotty... beam us up.&quot; However, &quot;Beam me up, Scotty&quot; was used in ''[[Star Trek: The Animated Series#Captain James T. Kirk|Star Trek: The Animated Series]]''. The [[film]] ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home#Dialogue|Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' included the closest other variation: &quot;Scotty, beam me up.&quot;

* Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor not a... - [[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]
** McCoy had several lines of this sort, but he never uttered &quot;Damn it&quot; during the series; the closest he or anyone ever came was the euphemisms &quot;Blast it!&quot; or &quot;Blast!&quot;.

* You're dead, Jim. - [[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]
** McCoy had several lines of this sort, but he never said &quot;''You're'' dead&quot; to Kirk. This is often attributed when it appears that Kirk dies, particularly in &quot;[[#Amok Time|Amok Time]]&quot; and &quot;[[#The Tholian Web|The Tholian Web]]&quot;.

* She can't take much more of this, Captain. - [[w:Montgomery Scott|Montgomery Scott]]
** While Scotty frequently expressed concern for the health of the ''Enterprise'' in dangerous situations, neither he nor anyone else ever used that famous (and oft-parodied) line during the original series. The closest variation came in &quot;[[#The Doomsday Machine|The Doomsday Machine]],&quot; when Spock reported to Commodore Decker that the deflector shields were at full power, then added, &quot;They can't take much more of this.&quot; The nearest line from Scotty was in &quot;[[#Who Mourns for Adonais?|Who Mourns for Adonais?]]&quot;; as Apollo's giant &quot;hand&quot; slowly crushes the ship, he reports, &quot;It's becoming critical, Captain. We can't handle it.&quot;

* Millions of people who have never died before will be killed. - [[w:Spock|Spock]]
** This misquote from the episode &quot;The City on the Edge of Forever&quot; was printed as such in Kermit Schafer's 1973 collection &quot;All Time Great Bloopers&quot;. The actual line of dialogue from the episode is &quot;Millions will die who did not die before.&quot; Schafer's inaccurate quote of the line seems like an absurdity, but considering that the episode's story line involves time travel and an alternate history, Spock's actual statement makes sense in the context of it.
{{Misattributed end}}

== About ''Star Trek: The Original Series'' ==
[[File:Gene Roddenberry crop.jpg|thumb|''Star Trek'' offers an almost infinite number of exciting Science Fiction stories, thoroughly practical for television? How? Astronomers put it this way: &lt;br&gt; Ff^2 (MgE) - C^1R1^1 x M = L/So &lt;br&gt; Or to put it in simpler terms, by multiplying the 400,000,000,000 galaxies (star clusters) in the heavens by an estimation of average stars per galaxy (7,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000), we have the approximate number of stars in the universe, as we understand it now. And so… &lt;br&gt; …if only one in a billion of these stars isa “sun” with a planet… &lt;br&gt; …and only one in a billion of these is of earth size and composition… &lt;br&gt; …there would still be something near 2,800,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 worlds with a potential of oxygen-carbon life… &lt;br&gt; or… (by the most conservative estimates of chemical and organic probability), something like three million worlds with a chance of intelligent life and social evolution similar to our own. ~ [[Gene Roddenberry]]]]
[[File:Star_Trek_crew_members.jpg|thumb|200px|Well, when I was nine years old, Star Trek came on, I looked at it and I went screaming through the house. 'Come here, mum, everybody, come quick, come quick, there's a black lady on television and she ain't no maid!' ~ [[w:Whoopie Goldberg|Whoopie Goldberg]]]]
[[File:The_Shuttle_Enterprise_-_GPN-2000-001363.jpg|thumb|He ([[Martin Luther King Jr.]]) felt it was [[important]] that [[children]] of all [[races]] see an [[African American]] [[female]] appearing on [[television]] as an [[equal]]. ~ [[Nichelle Nichols]]]]
[[File:Enterprise_free_flight.jpg|thumb|Star Trek was again a very inconsistent show which at times sparkled with true ingenuity and pure science fiction approaches. At other times it was more [[w:Carnival|carnival]]-like, and very much more the creature of [[television]] than the creature of a legitimate [[literary]] form. ~ [[Rod Serling]]]]
[[File:William_Shatner_Sally_Kellerman_Star_Trek_1966.JPG|thumb|200px|Captain Kirk was captain of everybody's [[fate]]. He was a [[dictator]]. ~ [[William Shatner]]]]
[[File:Leonard_Nimoy_William_Shatner_Star_Trek_1968.JPG|thumb|200px|The Enterprise was the first ever [[spaceship]] represented in [[storytelling]] that was not designed to go from one place to another; [it was] only designed to [[explore]]. It was revolutionary in terms of what we would think space would, and should, be about. ~ [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]]]]
* The original ''Star Trek'', created by Gene Roddenberry, was, with a few exceptions, bad in every way that a science fiction television show could be bad. Nimoy was the only charismatic actor in the cast and, ironically, he played the only character not allowed to register emotion. This was in the days before series characters were allowed to grow and change, before episodic television was allowed to have a through line. So it didn’t matter which episode you might be watching, from which year — the characters were exactly the same. As science fiction, the series was trapped in the 1930s — a throwback to spaceship adventure stories with little regard for science or deeper ideas. It was sci-fi as seen by Hollywood: all spectacle, no substance.
** [[Orson Scott Card]], [http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/orson_scott_card_star_trek_was_bad_science_fiction/ &quot;Orson Scott Card: Star Trek Was Bad Science Fiction], James Joyner, ''Outside The Beltway'', May 3, 2004

* One of the truths I've been telling lately is that Kirk and Spock are not lovers... they're not even boyfriends. They're just good friends. This has offended a whole subculture that is convinced they are... I was at a convention in Milwaukee a few weeks ago. This lady comes up to me with this stuff, and after a thirty minute discussion, I finally said, 'Stop! We're arguing over whether or not two fictitious characters are getting their hands in each others' pants.'
** [[w:David Gerold|David Gerold]], (1985). &quot;[Interview]&quot;. DraftTrek (Interview). Interview with Randall Landers and Tim Farley.

* There was a sense of fun in the original series, and I think we wanted to try and create three characters as distinctive as Kirk-Spock-McCoy with Kai-Stan-Xev (plus a robot head). I watched the show quite a bit when I was younger, and enjoyed some of its campier moments, i.e. &quot;The Squire of Gothos&quot;. I also liked the one with the weird head in the sky that turned out to be [[w:Clint Howard|Clint Howard]].
** [[w:Lex Gigeroff|Lex Gigeroff]], [http://binnallofamerica.com/sfw10.2.9.html &quot;A Sci Fi Worlds Interview with Lex Gigeroff:Lexx Co-Writer/Actor&quot;] ''Binn all of America''.
** The episode with Clint Howard is ''The Corbomite Maneuver''.

* Well, when I was nine years old, ''Star Trek'' came on, I looked at it and I went screaming through the house. ''''Come here, mum, everybody, come quick, come quick, there's a black lady on [[television]] and she ain't no [[maid]]!''''
** [[w:Whoopie Goldberg|Whoopie Goldberg]] [http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/when-i-was-9-years-old-star-trek-came-on-whoopi-goldberg/ &quot;'When I was 9 years old, Star Trek came on…'&quot;] March 8, 2014.

* The original ''Trek'' was never consistent; to modern eyes, its frequently ham-fisted writing, sexism, sluggish pacing, and lack of [[w:Continuity|continuity]] between episodes can take some adjustments to accept. But at the show's peak, those flaws could never obscure the raw energy that drove the adventures of Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the crew of the Enterprise, nor the way that energy so often coalesced behind a fundamentally optimistic view of the universe.
** Zack Handlen, [https://tv.avclub.com/star-trek-brought-heat-to-the-cold-war-1798245608 &quot;For Our Consideration: Star Trek brought heat to the Cold War&quot;], ''A.V. Club'', (3/28/16).

* Again and again on the series, we see that communication is the solution to problems, and that understanding your enemy (if they even are an enemy) is the only way to resolve a dangerous situation. It's a concept that seems to belie every piece of [[Cold War]] doctrine foisted on the American public. The [[w:Red Scare|Red Menace]] was a danger so insidious, so malignant, that even trying to understand its beliefs and systems meant a form of surrender. This wasn't just a physical force, but a kind of philosophical brain snatcher whose tendrils, if left unchecked, would lay waste to the free world.&lt;br /&gt; That kind of paranoid faith in the untouchable—the assumption that some beliefs must be walled away in silence and fear—was something that Star Trek stood against in stark opposition.
** Zack Handlen, [https://tv.avclub.com/star-trek-brought-heat-to-the-cold-war-1798245608 &quot;For Our Consideration: Star Trek brought heat to the Cold War&quot;], ''A.V. Club'', (3/28/16).

* The show, released in the decade of the [[Vietnam War]], American [[w:Civil rights movement|Civil Rights protests]], the [[w:Second-wave feminism|second wave of the feminist movement]] and the [[threat]] of [[nuclear war]], dared to imagine what peace might look like.
** Rachel Lopez, [https://www.hindustantimes.com/art-and-culture/set-phasers-to-stun-your-warp-speed-guide-to-the-star-trek-universe/story-DKJf8VHnS4LPftHdHpdKKM.html “Set phasers to stun: Your warp-speed guide to the Star Trek universe”], ''Hindustan Times'', (June 8, 2019)

* In Roddenberry's 23rd-century universe, mankind had conquered conflict and catapulted into space as a unified species – men, women, Chinese, Russians, Africans.&lt;br /&gt;And it seemed to work. Women weren't intergalactic secretaries, they were full officers. Communications officer Uhura, a woman and black, is fourth in command of the Enterprise.
** Rachel Lopez, [https://www.hindustantimes.com/art-and-culture/set-phasers-to-stun-your-warp-speed-guide-to-the-star-trek-universe/story-DKJf8VHnS4LPftHdHpdKKM.html “Set phasers to stun: Your warp-speed guide to the Star Trek universe”], ''Hindustan Times'', (June 8, 2019)

* In a world preoccupied by the [[Space Race]] and the [[Cold War]], the Enterprise looked into the future and saw the Russians as allies, not bushy-browed villains. Young ensign Pavel Chekov was loyal to the crew even as he displayed his love for Russia.
** Rachel Lopez, [https://www.hindustantimes.com/art-and-culture/set-phasers-to-stun-your-warp-speed-guide-to-the-star-trek-universe/story-DKJf8VHnS4LPftHdHpdKKM.html “Set phasers to stun: Your warp-speed guide to the Star Trek universe”], ''Hindustan Times'', (June 8, 2019)

* Fifty years on, as racism, sexism and dying migrants make headlines, it's easy to see how radical Roddenberry’s ideas remain.
** Rachel Lopez, [https://www.hindustantimes.com/art-and-culture/set-phasers-to-stun-your-warp-speed-guide-to-the-star-trek-universe/story-DKJf8VHnS4LPftHdHpdKKM.html “Set phasers to stun: Your warp-speed guide to the Star Trek universe”], ''Hindustan Times'', (June 8, 2019)

* One of the keys to ''Star Trek''{{'}}s success is the fact that almost every aspect of the show is grounded one way or another in real-world concepts. [[w:Starfleet|Starfleet]], the organization unifying humanity and aliens in the exploration of the galaxy, is one such concept and was undoubtedly influenced by Roddenberry's time as a pilot during [[World War II]].
** ''Military.com'', [https://www.military.com/veteran-jobs/career-advice/military-transition/famous-veteran-gene-roddenberry.html &quot;Famous Veteran: Gene Roddenberry&quot;].

* I thought she (Uhura) was a glorified [[w:Telephone operator|telephone operator]] in [[space]].
** [[Nichelle Nichols]] [http://www.geeksofdoom.com/2012/09/08/interview-star-treks-nichelle-nichols-talks-about-her-famous-kiss-with-captain-kirk &quot;Interview: Star Trek’s Nichelle Nichols On Uhura’s Groundbreaking Kiss With Captain Kirk&quot;], Rufus T. Firefly, ''The Geeks of Doom'' (September 8, 2012).

* He ([[Martin Luther King Jr.]]) felt it was important that children of all races see an African American female appearing on television as an equal.
** [[Nichelle Nichols]] [http://www.geeksofdoom.com/2012/09/08/interview-star-treks-nichelle-nichols-talks-about-her-famous-kiss-with-captain-kirk &quot;Interview: Star Trek's Nichelle Nichols On Uhura’s Groundbreaking Kiss With Captain Kirk&quot;], ''The Geeks of Doom'' (September 8, 2012).

* A major area of conflict was Bill's concern that Spock was getting ahead of Kirk in terms of problem solving. Bill was worried that Kirk would seem unintelligent by contrast. And so lines of dialogue that had logically been Spock's soon became Kirk's.
** [[Leonard Nimoy]] [http://www.express.co.uk/expressyourself/11182/Mr-Spock-Captain-Kirk-and-a-bitter-40-year-battle &quot;Mr Spock, Captain Kirk and a bitter 40-year battle&quot;] Peter Sheridan, ''Express'' (June 25, 2007).

* I was a sucker for ''Star Trek'' when I was a kid. They were always fun to watch. What made the show lasting was it wasn't actually about technology. It was about values and relationships. Which is why it didn't matter that the special effects were kind of cheesy and bad, right? They'd land on a planet and there are all these [[w:Papier-mache|papier-mâché]] boulders. [Laughs.] But it didn't matter because it was really talking about a notion of a common humanity and a confidence in our ability to solve problems.&lt;br /&gt;A recent movie captured the same spirit—''[[w:The Martian (film)|The Martian]]''. Not because it had a hugely complicated plot, but because it showed a bunch of different people trying to solve a problem. And employing creativity and grit and hard work, and having confidence that if it’s out there, we can figure it out. That is what I love most about America and why it continues to attract people from all around the world for all of the challenges that we face, that spirit of &quot;Oh, we can figure this out.&quot; And what I value most about science is this notion that we can figure this out. Well, we're gonna try this—if it doesn't work, we're gonna figure out why it didn't work and then we're gonna try something else. And we will revel in our mistakes, because that is gonna teach us how to ultimately crack the code on the thing that we're trying to solve. And if we ever lose that spirit, then we're gonna lose what is essential about America and what I think is essential about being human.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.wired.com/2016/10/president-obama-mit-joi-ito-interview/ “BARACK OBAMA, NEURAL NETS, SELF-DRIVING CARS, AND THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD”], Scott Dadish, ''Wired'', (November 2016)

* ''Star Trek'', like any good story, says that we're all complicated, and we've all got a little bit of Spock and a little bit of Kirk [laughs] and a little bit of Scotty, maybe some Klingon in us, right? But that is what I mean about figuring it out. Part of figuring it out is being able to work across barriers and differences. There's a certain faith in rationality, tempered by some humility. Which is true of the best art and true of the best science. The sense that we possess these incredible minds that we should use, and we're still just scratching the surface, but we shouldn’t get too cocky. We should remind ourselves that there's a lot of stuff we don't know.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.wired.com/2016/10/president-obama-mit-joi-ito-interview/ “BARACK OBAMA, NEURAL NETS, SELF-DRIVING CARS, AND THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD”], Scott Dadish, ''Wired'', (Nov 2016)

* In a time when social divisions seemed unbridgeable and [[nuclear war]] appeared imminent, ''Star Trek'' offered a positive vision of the future where a united and peaceful humanity explored the stars on behalf of a [[w:United Federation of Planets|Federation]] in which poverty, disease and violent conflict were mostly things of the past.
** Sebastian Roblin, [https://medium.com/war-is-boring/star-treks-original-series-brought-the-cold-war-into-space-91ae5a9291f4 “Star Trek’s Original Series Brought the Cold War Into Space”], ''War Is Boring'', ''[[w:Medium (website)|Medium]]'' (October 28, 2016).

* ''Star Trek'' evoked this sense of technological insecurity when it introduced the [[w:Romulan Empire|Romulan Empire]] in the gripping &quot;Balance of Terror.&quot; Unlike the expansionist [[w:Klingons|Klingons]], the [[w:Romulans|Romulans]] are xenophobic and insular, destroying anyone who violates the Neutral Zone.&lt;br /&gt;Thus, the Romulan Empire resembled [[Mao]]'s isolationist China, then in the grips of the [[w:Cultural revolution|Cultural Revolution ]]— a closed society perceived as a potential threat that might at any moment pour across neighboring borders.&lt;br /&gt;The [[w:Romulan Neutral Zone|Romulan Neutral Zone]] also references the [[w:Demilitarized Zone|Demilitarized Zone]] separating the divided northern and southern halves of [[Korea]] and (at the time) [[Vietnam]].
** Sebastian Roblin, [https://medium.com/war-is-boring/star-treks-original-series-brought-the-cold-war-into-space-91ae5a9291f4 “Star Trek’s Original Series Brought the Cold War Into Space”], ''War Is Boring'', ''[[w:Medium (website)|Medium]]'', (Oct 28, 2016).

* In spirit, the original ''Star Trek'' was opposed to war and [[nuclear weapons]]. However, it could not help sketching a universe in which opposing alliances resorted to espionage, [[w:Gunboat diplomacy|gunboat diplomacy]] and [[w:Covert operaations|covert operations]].&lt;br /&gt;That [[Cold War]] influence came across in a different way 25 years after the series debut in ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'', the last Star Trek movie featuring the full original crew. An exploding moon-based power station — shades of the [[Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl nuclear disaster]] — leads to an [[economic]] and [[environmental]] crisis in the [[w:Klingon Empire|Klingon Empire]].
** [https://medium.com/war-is-boring/star-treks-original-series-brought-the-cold-war-into-space-91ae5a9291f4 &quot;Star Trek’s Original Series Brought the Cold War Into Space&quot;], ''War Is Boring'', ''[[w:Medium (website)|Medium]]'', (Oct 28, 2016).

* Bill [Shatner] was very upset when Leonard came on particularly [[strong]] at the beginning [of the series] because he said, &quot;Am I not the Captain? How come [the writers] don't appreciate that?&quot; It was a very natural reaction. I said to Shatner, &quot;If we had an [[w:Eskimo|Eskimo]] as a second character, you could be sure the Eskimo would get the most delightful lines because of what he is.&quot; I advised him not to worry about Spock because all that reflected on Shatner, particularly if Shatner continued to treat Spock properly in the show. I suggested they should show each other a lot of friendship in the show and it would eventually right itself. And, indeed, it did eventually right itself.
** [[Gene Roddenberry]], from personal conversations with Gene in 1990 at La Costa, CA (as cited by Susan Sackett).

* ''Star Trek'' offers an almost infinite number of exciting Science Fiction stories, thoroughly practical for television? How? Astronomers put it this way: &lt;br&gt; Ff^2 (MgE) - C^1R1^1 x M = L/So&lt;br /&gt;Or to put it in simpler terms, by multiplying the 400,000,000,000 galaxies (star clusters) in the heavens by an estimation of average stars per galaxy (7,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000), we have the approximate number of stars in the universe, as we understand it now. And so… &lt;br&gt; …if only one in a billion of these stars is a &quot;sun&quot; with a planet...&lt;br /[A]nd only one in a billion of these is of earth size and composition...&lt;br /&gt;[T]here would still be something near 2,800,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 worlds with a potential of oxygen-carbon life...&lt;br /&gt;[O]r...(by the most conservative estimates of chemical and organic probability), something like three million worlds with a chance of intelligent life and social evolution similar to our own.
** [[Gene Roddenberry]], [http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/Star_Trek/1_Original_Series/Star_Trek_Pitch.pdf ''Star Trek Pitch''], March 11, 1964.

* The time is somewhere in the future. It could be 1995 or maybe 2995.
** [[Gene Roddenberry]], [http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/Star_Trek/1_Original_Series/Star_Trek_Pitch.pdf ''Star Trek Pitch''] (March 11, 1964).

* ''Star Trek'' was again a very inconsistent show which at times sparkled with true ingenuity and pure science fiction approaches. At other times it was more carnival-like, and very much more the creature of television than the creature of a legitimate literary form.
** [[Rod Serling]] [http://io9.com/was-star-trek-ever-really-intelligent-grown-up-science-1563605154 &quot;Was Star Trek Ever Really Intelligent, Grown-Up Science Fiction?&quot;] Charlie Jane Anders, ''IO9'', 4/15/14.

* Captain Kirk was captain of everybody'sfate. He was a dictator.
** [[William Shatner]] [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/05/william-shatners-armageddon-warning-to-prez-candidates/ &quot;William Shatner's 'Armageddon Warning to Prez Candidates&quot;], Karrah Kaplan ''CNN'' (October 5, 2011).

* What matters is not what they look like now, but what they looked to others at the time that they prevailed... There is only one spaceship that's earlier than [the original Enterprise], and that's the flying saucer from ''[[The Day the Earth Stood Still]]''. So, what matters here is, what did [the Enterprise] look like at the time it came out (1966) compared with anything that had been imagined before? And when you consider that, that is the most astonishing machine that has ever graced the screen.
** [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyUN5vG1T8k &quot;Neil deGrasse Tyson at the Starship Smackdown, Comic-Con 2012&quot;]. ''Plumbline Pictures'', (July 16, 2012). YouTube. Retrieved 2018-08-17.

* The Enterprise was the first ever [spaceship represented in storytelling that was not designed to go from one place to another; [it was] only designed to explore. It was revolutionary in terms of what we would think space would, and should, be about.
** [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMH1vDDd1xc &quot;Millennium Falcon or Starship Enterprise? - Fan Question | StarTalk&quot;]. ''National Geographic''. November 27, 2015. Retrieved 2018-08-17.

*Since its official beginning in [[New York City|New York city]] in the summer of 1972 with the first fan-organized convention, ''Star Trek'' has become a genuine popular phenomenon. So great has been the enthusiasm generated by viewers of the original 1960s series that in fall 1986, twenty years after its first telecast, ''Star Trek'' was syndicated in 145 national markets and numerous foreign markets. 
** Rick Worland, [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01956051.1988.9943393?journalCode=vjpf20 “Captain Kirk: Cold Warrior”], ''Journal of Popular Film and Television'', Volume 16, 1988 - Issue 3, p.109

* It is not my intention here to recount the history of the series or of the fan phenomenon, as these have been fruitfull explored in a number of popular and scholarly sources. Rather, I want to devote more attention to what I believe to be one of the least discussed aspects of the ''Star Trek'' phenomenon-the relationship of the series to the [[Cold War]] subtext of the post-war science fiction genre, especially in the context of the show’s original broadcasts during the period of the greatest scalation of the [[Vietnam War]], 1966-1969. The meaning or appeal of any widely popular and enduring classic such as ''Star Trek'' is not reducible to any single reading or interpretation However, if we are to understand ''Star Trek'' in historical context, its mediation of Cold War themes would seem to be an important underlying element of the series and one worthy of further investigation.
** Rick Worland, [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01956051.1988.9943393?journalCode=vjpf20 “Captain Kirk: Cold Warrior”], ''Journal of Popular Film and Television'', 16:3 (1988), p. 109

== Cast ==
* [[William Shatner]] – [[w:Captain (Star Trek)|Captain]] [[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]]
* [[Leonard Nimoy]] – Commander [[w:Spock|Spock]]
* [[w:DeForest Kelley|DeForest Kelley]] – Doctor [[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]]
* [[w:James Doohan|James Doohan]] – [[w:Montgomery Scott|Montgomery &quot;Scotty&quot; Scott]]
* [[George Takei]] – [[w:Hikaru Sulu|Hikaru Sulu]]
* [[Nichelle Nichols]] – [[w:Uhura|Uhura]]
* [[w:Walter Koenig|Walter Koenig]] – [[w:Pavel Chekov|Pavel Chekov]]
* [[w:Majel Barrett|Majel Barrett]] – Nurse [[w:Nurse_Chapel|Christine Chapel]]/Ship Computer
** In &quot;[[#The_Menagerie.2C_Parts_1-2|The Menagerie]]&quot; &amp; &quot;[[#Original pilot|The Cage]]&quot; as Number One (credited as M. Leigh Hudec)
* [[w:Jeffrey Hunter|Jeffrey Hunter]] – Captain [[w:Christopher Pike (Star Trek)|Christopher Pike]] (&quot;The_Menagerie&quot; &amp; &quot;The Cage&quot;)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0060028 | title=Star Trek}}
* [http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/series/TOS/index.html ''Star Trek: The Original Series''] at StarTrek.com
* [http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Main_Page MemoryAlpha] a Star Trek wiki
* [https://quotecatalog.com/communicator/spock ''Top Spock Quotes with accurate Citations'']

{{Startrek}}

[[Category:Star Trek]]
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      <text bytes="58270" sha1="9exzpdthu8v6nixqpkc0yrj4uloixxo" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Rani.Mukerji.jpg|thumb|Rani Mukerji in 2013]]

'''[[w:Rani Mukerji|Rani Mukerji]]''' (born [[March 21]], [[1978]]) is an Indian actress who works in Bollywood movies.

Rani Mukerji !

Could you give that Suniel Shetty could not sent and maybe sent do not know !!! Kareena Kapoor !!!

Kareena Kapoor !

At first we do need a surgery me too me too me too broken nose in the childhood : we do need a Horror Action Mystery Fantasy Drama Movie : In A Castle like: is taking a girl with is hurt out of  the Forest she is running and behind the car running want with want to take she with is stopping and taking she with and asking about her life married or not why she did run out of the Forest the reasons about her behaviour  she is talking about everything does let know in details and he asking she does she want marry him she does agree and they do marry and they do get a kid a girl and in visions she does see a woman trying to come close and she does scare all the woman want is that girl to get the Sould to get back in life or she want that girl the man she does marry did kill in the Forest her daughter and after she did attack him with a knife he does try to protect himself and pushing she away and she is dropping herself onto the knife and is dying that is the story that woman is coming to get the daughter the woman knows you are a creature at the end trying with whole strength to get the daughter you are a Creature and to strong for her and you do destroy she : Creature like could be like : Hideout : and important the dead daughter does appear too in visions and during you do sleep touching and showing what happened she dead around the clock she does appear in visions the movie husband could be the joke too you did marry surgery too I do not know you do want a fight give up : U Can't Touch This MC Hammer : you could act her husband : she does rescue the husband and he like The EXorcist praying and the woman is getting out of the life : Kareena Kareena Kapoor out of the Forest running could run because of Stalkers wanted just play just a game and she did run away could be she does hurt somebody with the nails and running Away and they do find she there in the Castle they do try to find she and do see she close to the Castle and do follow her and a a fight and first time the creature does appear does hurt them and they do run away do escape fists muay thai boxing to train you do beat them and they do shoot one of them the arm is lite hurt bleeding and than the Creature does appear : acting also : Shahrukh Khan I did never let contact him he got still 15 years grow up up to the surgery : U can't touch this : now that we found love Heavy D. And Stay' Alive NTrance : who does need surgery up enjoy your right there are only one life : Sunil Sunil Shetty could act the Cop dm the Killer of the two the Woman and the Little girl the daughter : Sunil Shetty got a fight too with the  five  Kareena Kapoor does hurt in the Forest they do not know that is a Cop : CEO Cop Leader : is destroying them : Shahrukh Khan could be the man is selling the Castle the Couple : is just a special appearance : and : Aishwarya Rai could act appearance and Amitabh Amitabh Bachchan special appearance : and could come with an Action movie : A Veteran retired Marine also they do bother and is blind could be and a little boy or girl in visions he does see everything with her eyes around : Don't Breath does exist the movie is a blind Veteran : with the eyes of a little girl is written two times movies different stories : and : Sunil Shetty a Veteran a Marine : they do shoot him down and do let him alone they do think is dead one of the Soldiers does not like to him to be close to his sister a witn couple of soldiers they do show him down he is loosing his identity like Jason Bourne or The Long Kiss Goodnight : the screens are not in quality : Benjamin Button that screen is good and cool to have a quality screen : high quality shinny colors and lights special lights for the quality screen lights : The Marine is John Cena... does exist too:  Visions : the people do rescue Sunil Shetty and there also somebody taking belongings from the people a gang he does stop them and they did shoot him down do recognize him and follow him where he is hided and he finishing them he got no choices to be in protecting they want kill him and the fight begins he finishing them all Marines Soldiers !!! 

HD Movies apps free download !!! 

Title : like:   

Poltergeist Diaries 
Haunting Of Kareena Kapoor 

Than good luck at first !!! Shilpa Shetty could act too appear too special appearance and good luck !!! ❣️ !!!

== Quotes ==

* I am here to act, entertain and make good films. I don't want to work hard for a film which does not even get released. I will cooperate with my director and help him make a good film. I get disappointed if my co-actors don't put in as much as I do. Today I am looking for banners and costars who have the same goal as me --- to work towards making a good film with dedication. I have made mistakes in my career, but that is just the learning process.
**{{cite web | title=rediff.com|work=Rani: I am an entertainer| url=http://www.rediff.com/entertai/2002/may/09rani.htm|accessdate=1 June |accessyear=2006}}

* Both Shah Rukh and Aamir have taught me a lot. I used to be their fan. I had seen all their movies. Once I had even taken Aamir's autograph! Then all of a sudden, I was facing the camera with him! The way these two looked after me and saw me through my initial scenes is something I can never forget.
** {{cite web | title=thedailystar.net|url=http://www.thedailystar.net/2005/06/26/d506261404102.htm |accessdate=1 June |accessyear=2006}}

* Shahrukh is someone I can aways count on. Same is the case for both Karan and Salman. And Aamir, who I have immense respect for. To be honest, I'm still a bit in awe of him!{{source}}

* Sanjay Leela Bhansali brings out the best in me, both personally and professionally. I think we have a Karmic connection and I hope he'll agree!
** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread=626.

* Awards at each different stage have a special meaning and significance. They mean differently to everyone. When you get an award at the start of your career, it definitely is a stepping stone, and in the middle stages, awards become a source of inspiration, a source of happiness. It is a memento of something that is probably well deserved for the amount of effort put in. Filmfare Awards are something to be proud of. When one gets a Filmfare Award, people know an actor has arrived.
** {{cite web | title= filmfare.com| work= What do Filmfare Awards mean to me?| url= http://www.filmfare.com/awards2001/spotpoll.html | accessdate=23 April | accessyear=2006}}

* And if I was found to be good for two awards, it doesn't mean I should be given just one just to make the awards look more democratic.{{source}}

* I don't party, I don't get drunk and I don't have affairs. So all my passion goes into my work.
** {{cite web | title= bollyvista.com| work= What Rani Had To Say| url= http://www.bollyvista.com/quote/s/786/2 | accessdate=23 April | accessyear=2006}}

* Getting up at odd hours to catch flights. I hate the long hours of waiting. There are times when one is continuously travelling, from one city to another, hopping from one studio to another or changing from one costume to another. It is annoying, but after a point, one learns to be immune to one’s surroundings.
** {{cite web | title= tribuneindia.com| work= Rani’s Routine|url= http://www.tribuneindia.com/2001/20011011/main8.htm |accessdate=16 July|accessyear=2005}}

* Catfights? What catfights? There is a healthy rivalry between me and other actresses but no one’s ever been bitchy. [[Kareena Kapoor]] is a cool girl. As for [[Preity Zinta]], we share an on-screen rapport but we were never friends.{{source}}

* after the release of ''Black'':
** ''Black'' changed my life. After interacting with the challenged, I learnt how not to complain. Even with a handicap, it is still possible to achieve your dreams. With ''Black'' I got a chance to meet a whole new world of people. I did not even know they existed till Sanjay told me about them.{{source}}

* I have become cautious. There is no fixed formula. Today audience's sensibilities are sharp. You can't feed them rubbish. They want to watch good films. The script has to be appealing. Even if it is larger than life, it has to be realistic. Audiences have to identify with what you are showing.{{source}}

* I have been into Odissi for over a decade now. I started around the time I was in standard X. I started dancing with Meenakshi Seshadri. My guru Pandit Ravindra Attibuthi has also taught Meenakshi and Hema Malini.{{source}}

* I don't let gossip about my alleged affairs with Abhishek (Bachchan) or Govinda bother me anymore. People have even married me off to Karan Johar! The rumors about Govinda did make me furious. I felt sorry for Sunitaji. As far as Abhishek goes, I’m not dating him. I have no time for dates.
** {{cite web | title=in.movies.yahoo.com| work=Rani: Not Dating! |url=http://in.movies.yahoo.com/050505/32/5yfpo.html|accessdate=1 October|accessyear=2006}}

* I love daal chawal. I am not a restaurant person. I enjoy home food a lot.
** {{cite web | title=mid-day.com| work=Rani's Food Choice|url=http://www.mid-day.com/smd/eat/2003/january/42725.htm| accessdate=4 November|accessyear=2006}}

* I compete with myself.
** {{cite web | title= indiaglitz.com|url=http://www.indiaglitz.com/channels/hindi/article/26720.html| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2007}}

* [On her fallout with Abhishek Bachchan] The truth is if someone chooses not to invite you to their wedding you realize where you stand with that person. You may be deluded and think you are friends but maybe that friendship was only extended as co-stars on the sets. It doesn't matter. It became very clear to me that we were only co-stars not friends. {{cite web | title= tollywoodlife.com| work= Rani Mukherji Celebrates Her 44th Birthday!| url= https://www.tollywoodlife.com/2022/03/21/rani-mukherji-celebrates-her-44th-birthday/ | accessdate=28 March | accessyear=2022}}

*I feel beautiful in love. There is a lot of love for you in the beholder's eye. That makes you feel very happy.
** http://www.pinkvilla.com/entertainment/interviews/rani-mukerji-talks-about-her-equation-aishwarya-abhishek-kajol-aamir.

* Salman Khan is probably one of the most good looking people we have in our industry.
** http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D3mgQ3v1Jyw

== The Actress' Take On Films ==

* Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak: I was in school when I fell in love with the Aamir-Juhi pair. It was my first experience of love on-screen.{{source}}

* I love [[Titanic]] because the love in the movie was pure, real, passionate and unconditional... the way the love story culminated in catastrophe was phenomenal. I love DDLJ and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai for being so over the top and yet so believable for us youngsters... I love Black for being such a sublime love story between and a teacher and his student. It was a love much beyond the ordinary.
** {{cite web |title=And my heart goes to...|url=http://www.telegraphindia.com/1060217/asp/etc/story_5840755.asp|accessdate=2009-04-29|work=telegraphindia.com}}

* When Karan wanted my voice to be dubbed for ''[[Kuch Kuch Hota Hai]]'', I really thought that it was a bad idea, but slowly I worked to improve my diction, and now I'm quite comfortable with it.{{source}}

* The kiss with Kamal Haasan ''[in ''Hey! Ram'']'' was mechanical. He was constantly checking the right angle. Where was the passion?{{source}}

* I am in the profession of acting and so to suit the character I sometimes have to indulge in kissing and provocative scenes. I have never felt comfortable shooting for kissing sequences. Although, kissing scenes like the ones in ''Yuva'' with Abhishek Bachchan and in ''Hum Tum'' with Saif were shot in an aesthetic manner. I am still pretty much uncomfortable performing such scenes.{{source}}

* Yes. Women characters are once again assuming significance in films. Karan Johar, Sanjay Bhansali and Yash uncle conceive wonderful women characters. In the ’50s and ’60s, Bimal Roy and Guru Duttji wrote beautiful roles for heroines. You couldn’t take your eyes off a close-up of Waheedaji, Nargisji, Nutanji or Meenaji. Times are changing again. The Bhansali-shot close-ups of Ash and Madhuri in ''Devdas'' were awesome.{{source}}

* For me, a director is more important than a big banner. A great director can do wonders. Of course, banners do matter because, ultimately, after all the hard work you put it, the film must release. This will happen only if you work with a good banner or a producer who markets your film well, gives the director whatever he wants, and releases the film.
** {{cite web |title= rediff.com|work= Fame|url=http://www.rediff.com/movies/2003/jun/12rani.htm
|accessdate=23 August|accessyear=2006}}

* I’m happy Black is a hit. It marks my hat-trick after ''Hum Tum'' and ''Veer-Zaara''.{{source}}

* It would be very unfair to compare &quot;Black&quot; with any other film. I can't do a role of a handicapped person. It'd look like a carryover of &quot;Black&quot;. Every film is a new experience for me. I respect my work too much to act superior about other films. &quot;Black&quot; is a kind of film that comes once in a lifetime. Even Sanjay [Leela Bhansali] can't make it again.{{source}}

* on her character in ''The Rising'' (2005).
** See, my role started as a cameo. I was supposed to play the widow (Jwala's character) - yes, the one Aishwarya Rai was supposed to play. Now, Amisha Patel has been signed for the role since I opted for a different character in the movie when offered to me. When I read the script, I fell in love with the small role of the prostitute. There were two or three very good scenes. The script underwent a change, and I got more space than before. But it's still a cameo - nothing like what Smita Patil did with Ketan Mehta in ''Mirch Masala'', though I wish had.{{source}}
** Though I play a tawaif, I don't have a central role like Meena Kumari in Pakeezah or Rekha in Umrao Jaan. Mangal Pandey is completely about the title character.{{source}}
** Yes, and I was really looking forward that. I got a chance not only to do a mujra but also to be choreographed by Saroj Khan.{{source}}

* On the Ash Replacement Controversy in Chalte Chalte (2003).
** As a matter of fact, and I have said this before, I was the original choice for this role. Shah Rukh spoke to me about the film during ''Asoka''. I didn’t have dates, so Ash replaced me. When she couldn’t do the film for whatever reason, Shah Rukh asked me to do it. I love Aamir and Shah Rukh in a different way. When Shah Rukh asks, I can’t say no.{{source}}

== Rani On Celebrities ==

*On the Khans
** Aamir Khan is an intelligent actor with an eye for detail. He places the film above every individual or ego. Shah Rukh Khan is an extremely focused actor. His energy is infectious and his attachment with people he works with, admirable. In my early films with him when I was still young I used to feel distracted and he would hit me to make me concentrate. Salman Khan of course is the true-blue superstar. He is a combination of child and a man. He is extremely good-looking and extremely popular. Everyone just loves to love him.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread=404.
** The Khans are lucky for me. I owe a lot to them. Today if Shah Rukh asks me to do even a walk-on shot in one scene for his film, I’ll do it for him. And in a weird sense I call Aamir my Guru. I have learnt so much from his personal and professional life, that in many ways I idolise the way he conducts himself, and follow his footsteps. When I worked with him in ‘The Rising’, it felt like giving a shot with my best friend. Even my pairing with Saif has been so refreshing that it worked magically lucky for us - it should work again in Tara Rum Pum.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread
** They are my seniors. All of us have become close buddies. I look up to all of them, they are like my back-slapping pals. They have been my inspiration. I always take all the good suggestions given by them. For better performance I believe a process to give and take enriches the scene and thus enhances the state of a film. However, there is room for discussion and with friendship and great rapport things turn out to be the best. Having worked with them has only increased my love and respect for the Khans. Working with them makes it easy for me to give my best. It’s mutual admiration now.
*** http://www.emirates247.com/bollywood/take-one/rani-mukerji-never-looked-aamir-in-the-eye-2012-11-24-1.484488.

* On [[Aamir Khan]]:
** He was my hero in ''Ghulam''. After that there was a long gap until ''Mangal Pandey''. In between he did want me for ''Lagaan''. Today, we're very close friends. The equation is different. I remembered how he used to show me to do scenes. He still tells me how to do my scenes.
*** {{cite web | title=in.rediff.com| work=Rani: on Aamir Khan|url= http://in.rediff.com/movies/2005/aug/12rani.htm| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}
** I admit I did ''Mangal Pandey'' for Aamir. I can never say no to Aamir or Shahrukh.{{source}}

* On [[Shahrukh Khan]]:
** He treats me like a child, tells me how to face the camera. He constantly motivates me to give my best. His dedication and focus have shown me how to conduct my own career.{{source}}
** It’s always a delight working with Shah Rukh. I started my career with him and from then till today…there’s been no change in him. I absolutely love him and have great respect for him, as a person and as an actor. He guides me, even scolds me at times when I have to get the shot right, above all…he inspires me to give in my best.
*** {{cite web | title=glamsham.com| work=Rani: on SRK|url=http://www.glamsham.com/movies/interviews/rani5.asp| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}

* On [[Salman Khan]]
** Salman is absolutely adorable. I really love him as he is always himself. I only laugh when I am with him, he is so entertaining. He is a rockstar. When he comes on screen, not only the common man but we actors also clap and whistle for him and say, ‘Star aa gaya’. He is so good looking. When he passes by, you actually stop to turn and look at him. When I saw the promos of Dabangg, I called him and both of us went completely mad. He is a cult figure. Just as the South has Rajinikanth, we have Salman!
*** http://www.screenindia.com/news/rani-mukerji-queen-of-hearts/799321/
** Salman was so sweet. He helps you whenever you're in trouble, whether thats personally or professionally. He'll help you with your scenes in the film, with your dialogs and also give friendly advice. I have worked with him in a few films and it's always been great. I'm looking forward to working with him again!{{source}}
**[on the Vivek and Salman row] This really doesn't have much to do with me so I can hardly comment on it. But from my side I can say that Salman was and always will be a sweet co star and friend of mine and I don't believe in the accusations made against him. However, you have to hand it to him for handling the situation so well. Vivek and I were co stars in Saathiya and I guess our chemistry worked but personally I'm not close to him. He's my brothers friend from school, not mine.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&amp;board=interviews&amp;thread=412&amp;page=1.
** I absolutely enjoy working with Salman because I completely agree with the fact that he is the original rockstar. Nobody else is a rockstar quite like him and there is simply nobody else like him. He’s one of the most amazing actors we’ve got because the way he switches on and switches off with the camera is incredible. He becomes someone else when the camera is on and is somebody else when it’s off. He could be joking, playing around and saying something out of this planet before a shot and suddenly, with the lights, he’s all there; and that’s very difficult for an actor. Salman is a great actor because he can just transform into anybody. Full marks to him. My rapport with him, from the first day has been super. Maybe because we’re both alike - truthful, honest - so he and we connect.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread=407.

* On Saif Ali Khan:
** He's such a focused and committed actor!
*** {{cite web | title=hindustantimes.com| work=Rani: on Saif Ali Khan|url= http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=95048054-7fa2-481e-9a74-3914f7969272&amp;&amp;Headline=Rani+Mukherji's+not+hiding+anywhere| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}
** It's so wonderful working with him. What fun we had! Saif and I have grown together as actors. ''Hum Tum'' was a breakthrough film for both of us. It got me my first best actress award. The film bonded us. He has come a long way from ''Hum Tum'' to ''Ta Ra Rum Pum''.
*** {{cite web|title= earthtimes.org| work=Saif is a good friend| url=http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/56438.html| accessdate=28 April| accessyear=2007}}
** He's a fantastic actor because he is so unpredictable. I really saw a gradual change in him from ''Hum Tum'' to ''Ta Ra Rum Pum'' when I worked with him now. He's growing everyday as an actor. He's becoming completely flawless.{{source}}
** Saif is a brilliant actor, undoubtedly. He is one of my favorites and I enjoy watching him on screen. Both of us agree we have great chemistry onscreen that stems from our off screen rapport. We trust each other as actors. While shooting we never tried to outdo each other. The other day we were watching the preview if our film and, at the end, we both agreed that we look so hot together.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=print&amp;thread=396.

* On [[Madhuri Dixit]]:
** I remember ''Beta'' making a huge impact on me. I had gone completely mad about Madhuri after seeing the movie.{{source}}
** I was one of the fortunate ones to go for her wedding. And I was deeply shattered. But I was of course happy for her also. For all us fans, you know, when Madhuri used to do a film, it used to make a difference for all of us. Because there’s nobody like Madhuri, she’s like the legend.
*** {{cite web | title=youtube.com| work=Rani on Madhuri Dixit| url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mERq_5SfObk| accessdate=28 June|accessyear=2007}}

* On Hema Malini:
** I think she’s a goddess. I completely adore her as a human being. For me, just being with her on the sets of Babul was so enriching; because I had her and all seniors - Amitji, Ravi uncle - all sitting and chatting about their heydays and I used to laugh. They are so rich in history and more than that they’re such wonderful human beings. I really cherish the moments when I used to sit with Hemaji and chat normally about life, the way she used to bless me, tell me about her experiences of being the No. 1 star of her times, awesome. Her smile is so warm that when she enters any room with it, she has everyone falling at her feet. She is truly the stuff of dreams and legends.{{source}}

* On [[Amitabh Bachchan]]:
**My relationship with Amit uncle - personally and professionally - is very strong because we’re are extremely fond of each other. I completely adore him, I look upon him as an idol and I really respect him because of the person that he is, the kind of actor he is. He’s been my favourite actor since ages. But the kind of chemistry, the rapport I started sharing with him is as if I’ve been working with him forever. It’s been that great and the way we connect onscreen is unbelievable. So everything, from Black to Babul, that we’ve done, has been extremely wonderful and a really nice experience.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread=407.

* On Abhishek Bachchan:
** The thing about me and Abhishek is that we are such close pals that our chemistry works on the big screen. That’s why after ''Bunty Aur Babli'', Karan Johar has signed us both in a film together.
*** {{cite web | title=musicindiaonline.com| work=Close Pals: Rani and AB Jr.|
url=http://www.musicindiaonline.com/ar/i/actors/450/3/general/2/| accessdate=22 April | accessyear=2006}}

* On Hrithik Roshan:
** We get along really well. Besides having a similar pattern of working, it's important to establish a comfort level between co actors. Mujhse Dosti Karoge was one big picnic. Since Hrithik and I were comfortable with each other I would tell him whether a particular scene was shot well or not. We are more friends then co stars. I would tell him to redo a scene if I thought it was not good or if there was something missing. Hrithik takes my suggestions seriously.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=print&amp;thread=396.

* On [[Preity Zinta]]:
** Preity is a lovely co-star. All our films together have worked. She keeps joking that she'll put me in her wedding picture to ensure her marriage remains a superhit.
*** {{cite web | title= nowrunning.com| work=There are no differences with Preity: Rani |url= http://www.nowrunning.com/news/news.asp?it=6020| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}

*On John Abraham
** John is very sweet. He always mentions me in all his interviews; saying that he’s really fond of me. He says that he thinks of me as one of his favourite actors- its very nice. I’ve seen John’s growth from his first film to Baabul and beyond. I think he’s grown as an actor and of course he has become one of the most sought after stars today. I see girl fans who’re crazy about him. I feel good about that and I always believe that good people get good things in life - John is one of them Rani quotes.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display&amp;thread=407.

* On Sanjay Leela Bhansali:
** Bhansali is a very sensitive director. The way he approaches every aspect of filmmaking is awe-inspiring. 'Black' is his baby. It's certainly not an easy subject to direct and he has shown his class by giving the film such a sensitive treatment.
*** {{cite web | title=bollyvista.com| work=Black has been a wonderful experience!|url= http://www.bollyvista.com/article/a/34/4160| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}

== The Directors' Notes On Rani ==
* Kunal Kohli, director ''Hum Tum'':
** You wouldn't even realise the power in the scene you have written till you see her perform it on-screen.
*** {{cite web | title= dailymailnews.com| work=Kunal on Rani Mukerji's Power|url= http://www.dailymailnews.com/200508/11/news/show02.html| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}

* Yash Chopra, director ''Veer-Zaara'':
** The ease with which she emotes is amazing. Her understanding of the character and its execution is the key.
*** {{cite web | title= dailymailnews.com| work=Yash Chopra on Rani Mukerji's Acting|url= http://www.dailymailnews.com/200508/11/news/show02.html| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}

* Sanjay Leela Bhansali, director ''Black'':
** Look at her track record. In two years she has gone way beyond all competition...''Hum Tum'', ''Veer-Zaara'' and now ''Black'', three hits in a row! The lady is versatile in the most wonderful manner.
*** {{cite web | title= hindustantimes.com | work= Rani Mukerji on a Roll|url= http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1263253,00110003.htm
| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006|archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20050304032201/http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1263253,00110003.htm|archivedate=2005-03-04}}
** If I had to make Black a hundred times,it would be with Rani each time.I haven't seen such an honest,spirited and spontaneous performance in ages.
*** http://ranimukherjee.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=personalquotes&amp;action=print&amp;thread=940.
** Rani is my favouritest actress. She is the Queen. And she's also my best friend.
*** http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349&amp;page=3.

* Karan Johar, director ''Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna'':
** Rani Mukerji is someone I appreciate for various reasons. I love Rani as a person and a performer. Her &quot;Black&quot; is a landmark performance. I don't think she can ever do it again which is so unfortunate.{{source}}
** She is an amazing talent who has become one of our finest actresses. I feel proud to have been part of the process.
*** {{cite web | title= dailymailnews.com| work=Karan on Rani's Talent|url= http://www.dailymailnews.com/200508/11/news/show02.html| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}
** All these years she has been in touch with me nearly every day without expecting anything in return. She's like my kid sister. I feel that much more for her because her love for me is unconditional. That eclipses her other equally important ability as an actor. Her strengths as human being will always be more important to me. Today she's a rock-solid professional.
*** {{cite web|title= latestcinema.com|work=KJo: on Rani| url=http://www.latestcinema.com/bollywood/bollywoodnews-actress-views.html |accessdate=19 July|accessyear=2006}}
** I’ve just gone through a life-changing experience. It’s called Black… Mr Bachchan’s is the best performance I’ve seen by a male actor. And Rani? My God! When I remember how I’d scream instructions at her during Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, I wonder what I was doing! Rani has surpassed not just her contemporaries but almost everything done by actresses in our cinema in the last 50 years.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/ranimukerjiworld/interviewsquotes.htm

== Stars Talk About Rani ==

* Aamir Khan, co-star ''Ghulam'':
** If a star comes closest to holding the sway that Madhuri Dixit or Kajol did, it's Rani. She pays attention to her work, has matured and become experienced with time.
***{{cite web | title= apunkachoice.com| work=Aamir Compares Rani To Madhuri|url= http://www.apunkachoice.com/scoop/bollywood/20050808-0.html| accessdate=21 June | accessyear=2006}}
** Rani is one of my closest friends, we can talk about anything.{{source}}
** She has very expressive eyes through which she conveys a lot. She has a great understanding of the scene, is able to catch the right key.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani-mukerji/raniquotes.htm.

* Salman Khan, actor:
** I have known Rani for a long time. She is a fantastic actress. She is one of the amazing girls in the industry.{{source}}
** She knows who she is and what she can do. After a long time Bollywood has got an actress like Rani. She is naughty, masti khor and a wonderful friend. She has taken acting as her career and given her 100%. Somehow Rani has acting in her genes.
*** http://www.pinkvilla.com/entertainment/discussion/stars-speak-rani-birthday-girl
** [Speaking about Rani on Big Boss Season 4] She is one of the best actresses we have in the country... And an amazing dancer... Look at that smile! Love you, Rani.
*** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8mz1wQFmcA
**I have worked with Rani in three films. She wasn’t taken seriously, initially. But now her talent is there for all to see. She is the only actress who has incredible comic timing. Even though she sported ugly glasses and had an awkward gait in Black, her performance was simply amazing. She doesn’t stoop to manipulation or backbiting. Now I can confidently say, she is here to stay.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/ranimukerjiworld/interviewsquotes.htm
**[When asked who the best actresses of the current crop were]There's Rani, then there's Preity, Aishwarya and Priyanka are very good... And then the new girls like Lara and Katrina. [When asked who was the best] As an actor? Rani Mukerji.
*** 10. http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

* Shahrukh Khan, co-star ''Chalte Chalte'':
** I don’t think I would've been an actor without Kajol being a part of my films and my life. And I don’t think I would continue acting if Rani wasn’t a part of films either. I think perhaps in seventeen years they sum up my career as the most beautiful career.{{source}}
**[When speaking to Rani in a show] I've known you since the time you started, I'm very fond of you...I love you! We've done different kinds of roles together. Chalte Chalte I think was very interesting, KKHH was interesting because you had just started out...It's wonderful to see you evolve as an actor over the years and personally I do believe that Rani Mukerji is the best actress in the country in the last 16 years.{{source}}
** Rani has looked her career best in Paheli. For myself, Aziz and Juhi; Rani is the only leading lady for our production house. She is the best actress we have had in I'd say the past 16 years!{{source}}
** Very few people know this. Now that she's successful, I can take credit for it. I spotted Rani in the promo of her first film and recommended her to Karan for Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I insisted that he at least meet Rani and when he did, he wasn't impressed. He wanted someone taller and Western looking. After much deliberation, he decided to try her out. They straightened her hair, did her make up and gave her a mini-skirt for the KMG song. That's where it all started. When I first saw her dancing, I realised she's a better dancer than me. She looked fantastic when she walks in with that guitar in the song!
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm
** Right from the start, director Aziz Mirza wanted Rani. She heard a full narration of the script before me. But she was doing what she thought was a similar film [Saathiya]. Though I had worked with her in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, I had never done a full-fledged role with her. She began her career with me in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. She was supposed to do Dil Se with me as well. Chalte Chalte has given her a role worthy of her talent.{{source}}
** Rani Mukerji has the most beautiful eyes in the world.{{source}}

*Farah Khan, choreographer/director:
** [When asked who the best actress is] Rani Mukerji. Absoloutely. Rani is number one at everything.{{source}}
** Rani is a superb dancer.{{source}}
** Rani is a dear friend.
*** http://ranimukherji.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=interviews&amp;action=display.

* Rekha, actress:
** I love that girl, she has a very attractive face and great style!
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani-mukerji/raniquotes.htm.

*Madhuri Dixit:
** I think she is a very good actress. I have always liked her and I envy her in a way because my dad is a big fan of hers.
*** {{cite web | title=indiafm.com| work=KWK: Madhuri on Rani|url=http://www.indiafm.com/features/2007/06/19/2777/index.html| accessdate=28 June|accessyear=2007}}
** Guests I would want over for lunch… Shahrukh, because he’s a very sweet guest and will appreciate your efforts even if the food doesn’t taste great. And Rani because we really get along well. I’m sure she will cook half the lunch and it will taste fantastic!{{source}}

*Sridevi, actress
** She's a sweetheart. She's my all time favourite. She's a great actress. I loved her in No One Killed Jessica.
*** http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=m-feedu&amp;v=4Y1V8xZUGvY

* Kajol, actress:
** I thought she (Rani) was very very good in the film (KANK).{{source}}
** It’s really nothing like that. It’s more like she’s Tanisha’s age. You know, she’s basically in another, for me, it’s like another generation. For me, she’s like a younger sister.{{source}}
** I’m not surprised and I’m not shocked. And yes, I am very happy that she’s achieved what she’s achieved. I really think that she’s a fantastic actress.{{source}}

* Saif Ali Khan, co-star ''Hum Tum'':
** Rani is extremely photogenic.{{source}}
** My favourite actresses of all time are (named 2 Hollywood actresses) and Rani Mukerji.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/ranimukerjiworld/interviewsquotes.htm
** My favourite costars are Kajol and now Rani Mukerji. They're very natural actresses and act spontaneously.&quot;
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm
** Rani is a great co-star, love working with her I think our chemistry is special, and Hum Tum was a great film and now with Kunal Kohli now again we have just done another movie just now so I am really looking forward to that she is a great actor.{{source}}
** Rani is a fantastic actor. Aditya Chopra, the producer, always says that we work well together because she tends to sort of ground me and I make her a little more Westernised. I think we do share an interesting chemistry on screen. I have a lot of respect for her. Out of most people that I have met in the industry she is very real, very down to earth and very family-oriented and a strong valued girl.{{source}}
** I agree I have great screen chemistry with Rani. I was watching ‘Hum Tum’ the other day and I just think it’s a magical movie in parts. I think she’s a phenomenal actor and she brings something really special to the screen, for which I respect her a lot. It is competitive for me to be working with her because I actually want to be better than her because she is so very good.{{source}}
** She is I think the best actress I have worked with, and there's something about her aura that really matches mine and makes us look great together onscreen. Working with such a great co-actor pushes you to act even better because you want to do better then them.
*** http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349.

* Abhishek Bachchan, co-star ''Yuva'':
** Rani is a very, very good friend, and by far one of the best actors we have today. She doesn’t need any help. She makes anybody she works with look good. And that’s precisely what happened in ''Yuva''.
*** {{cite web | title= abhishekbachchan.org| work=Abhishek And Rani: Good Friends|url=http://www.abhishekbachchan.org/abhishek/quotes.php| accessdate=19 July | accessyear=2006}}
** I love working with Rani. She's one of my favourite co-stars. She understands me the most as an actor{{source}}
** Well, Rani Mukerji is one of my best friends. Rani's and my chemistry work good together.
*** {{cite web | title= abhishekbachchan.org| work=&quot;Rani is one of my best friends&quot;|
url=http://www.abhishekbachchan.org/abhishek/quotes.php| accessdate=19 July | accessyear=2006}}
** Rani is the best co star I've ever worked with. She is beautiful and a brilliant actor.
*** http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-04-19/news-interviews/29444150_1_abhi-ash-abhishek-bachchan-hum-jee-jaan-se.

*Aishwarya Rai, actress:
** She is also a very very warm girl, very very friendly, very easy-going.{{source}}

*Sushmita Sen, co-star ''Bas Itna Sa Khwaab Hai'':
** Rani was fabulous in ''Saathiya'', you can't imagine anyone else but her in the role.{{source}}

* Amitabh Bachchan, co-star ''KANK'':
** We've been cast in very unusual roles in Black. And then in KANK we were a very different kind of father-in-law and daughter-in-law. And now we play another very different and unusual father-in-law and daughter-in-law in Baabul. I guess we're lucky to have our acting talents being tested in such unusual ways. I'm very fortunate to get such unusual opportunities. Rani is a terrific co-star and it’s a pleasure to work with her. All of us— Jaya, Abhishek and I are very fond of her.{{source}}
** She's a very caring girl and a thorough professional on camera.{{source}}
** She's a very caring person. She's my favourite.
*** http://ranimukherjee.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=personalquotes&amp;action=print&amp;thread=940.

*Jaya Bachchan:
** I think Kajol is a natural. And I think Rani is a very well-crafted actress. She knows her craft very well.{{source}}

* Vidya Balan, actress:
** She is one of the best actors India has seen in recent times!{{source}}
** Rani is my favourite actress amongst my immediate seniors. We were meant to work a couple of times earlier but that didn’t happen, so I was excited about this film. I wouldn’t claim that we are best friends but there is a genuine fondness between us!
*** http://rmliworld.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/rani-mukherjee-di-mata-teman-teman/

*Kareena Kapoor, actress:
** Rani and me go back a long way. She is actually someone I really, really love.
*** http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=5Qx6S2dUHko
** I think, firstly, she, like, made the most amazing pair with Saif. There was such a dearth in the industry when she was not working in between. Like whenever I see Hum Tum - whenever Saif sees a film, a love story, he always says, &quot;My God. Rani Mukerji.&quot; She is such a fantastic actress. She is a true talent and I love her. Besides, personally also, I think she's fantastic. I love talking to her. We always share a few laughs whenever we meet. So I really, really do, honestly, love Rani.
*** http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qx6S2dUHko.

*Priyanka Chopra, actress:
** Rani is a fantastic person. We got along famously during the world tour, when we performed together. She is also not a party animal and very much a family person like me. Rani is a wonderful actor and I admire her even more after watching her performance in Black.{{source}}

* Bipasha Basu, actress:
** And the fact is that John and I are both die-hard Rani Mukerji fans. She’s the most fantastic actress around. And for heaven's sake it has nothing to do with the fact that we’re Bengali.{{source}}
** Some will like me, some won’t. For every Amisha Patel, there’s a Rani Mukerji. I’d rather focus on Rani.{{source}}

* Preity Zinta, co-star ''Chori Chori Chupke Chupke'':
** I think Rani is a very good actor. I have always liked her performances. I have always liked the way she works. And it's really nice because when there are good actors, you obviously want to do better and if there is quality, then it gives you a better chance to do things better. So I think yes, her work affects me in a very positive way. Because in some way out of all the actors I've worked with, out of my generation of actors, my contemporaries, I think she is the best.{{source}}
** Rani won the award for best actress and I was happy for her. She is a wonderful actress and deserved to win. Rani &amp; I work well together in films. We are not good good friends but we are friends. Rani is a great actress &amp; she has a number of good films coming up.All I can say is that Rani is very friendly to me when I see her; in fact she's very sweet to me.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm
** She's my good luck charm. Every film we did together was a big hit. I am sure 'Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehna' would also be a success.
*** http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349.

*Anil Kapoor, actor
** Hi, Rani. It was wonderful working with you but more than that, it has been wonderful knowing you as a person. What I admire about you, and what really touches me, is the way you look after your mother and father. That shows the kind of person you are. God will always give you great success.
*** http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=-uSGE1tFJRk.

*Akshay Kumar, actor
** Today I am hungry for good roles, the only other performer I see with that same hunger is Rani Mukerji. She is trying all sorts of great roles out there.
*** http://rani_world.m.webs.com/site/mobile?dm_path=%2Fcelebquotesonrani.htm&amp;fw_sig_permissions=none&amp;fw_sig=4d86f3358d2d48bcecbaa5cbc75ff832&amp;fw_sig_access_token=b1341772f1482d9e6d76f739c95e2c2c4d373408&amp;fw_sig_social=1&amp;fw_sig_time=1345773655625&amp;fw_sig_session_key=13de860ef35f47187c2f4c9acbe95379efb0dc6c6851e301949cd027ddfb364e-16741239&amp;fw_sig_url=http://rani_world.webs.com/&amp;fw_sig_permission_level=0&amp;fw_sig_api_key=522b0eedffc137c934fc7268582d53a1&amp;fw_sig_premium=0&amp;fw_sig_tier=0&amp;fw_sig_is_admin=0&amp;fw_sig_site=16741239&amp;fb_sig_network=fw#3311.

* John Abraham, co-star ''Baabul'':
** She's my most favourite actress. She is wonderful, beautiful and ethereal on screen. Rani has an earthiness and a voice that can never be dublicated. Whenever I see her walk on to the stage to collect her Best Actress trophy, I know she fully deserves it.{{source}}
** I'm a Rani fan. So, I obviously find Rani everything that is nice and everything that is sexy.{{source}}
** Rani's got a very earthy kind of sex appeal.{{source}}
** Rani Mukherjee is my most favourite actress. I’m working with her in Baabul. She is very bubbly and fun loving between shots. In an intense scene when she looks you into your eyes and cries, you really understand what she’s conveying to you. She has beautiful eyes. Rani has helped me make an honest effort to perform my best. She’s a very nice person and that’s what I really like about her.
*** http://rmliworld.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/rani-mukherjee-di-mata-teman-teman/

* Arjun Rampal, actor:
** Rani Mukerji, fantastic actress, seen it all, done it all.{{source}}
** I think Rani is beautiful.{{source}}

*Ranveer Singh, actor
** I'd like to work with Rani Mukerji because she is a great actress and I can learn a lot from her.{{source}}

*Anushka Sharma, actress
** I love Rani Mukerji for the way she has handled her career. ‘Saathiya’ and ‘Yuva’ are my favourite movies.{{source}}
** Rani is my most favourite actress. She is irreplaceable. She is one of the best actresses to have ever graced Indian cinema.{{source}}

*Parineeti Chopra, actress
** I am inspired by Rani Mukerji. She is the most talented actress in Indian cinema right now. Rani is unique on screen and oozes spontaneity in all the roles she plays.{{source}}
** Rani mukerji is my most favourite actress. I just love her.
*** http://www.pinkvilla.com/entertainment/discussion/rani-most-talented-actress-indian-cinema-right-now-parineeti
** I want to do each and every Rani Mukherji film. Let's rewind 15 years and I want to do that film. I love her, and I have told her that a thousand times.
*** http://wonderwoman.intoday.in/story/parineeti-chopra-harpers-bazaar-poised-for-success/1/100959.html

*Sonam Kapoor, actress
** I think Rani Mukerji is soon going to be a legend. She is one of the very few spontaneous actresses and above all a very good human being. I’ve learnt a lot from her. She respects everybody and treats the entire crew equally. She is very self confident and she is a ‘phataka’.{{source}}
** Rani Mukerji is brilliant, she's my favourite actor. It is a pleasure and a great learning experience to watch her act, and she is one of my great friends and has been a huge pillar of strength for the last 8-9 years, to my family and me.{{source}}
** From Rani, I learnt patience. How to be always on time, to be extremely professional, to be spontaneous as well as measured. And to respect other actors, which she does. She gives a lot of respect to the other person. And Rani is my favourite actor and I’m really biased, I love her. She’s the best.
*** http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349&amp;page=3.
** Well, besides being a family friend, Rani is one of my favourite actors and she was most amazing on the sets of Black, where I assisted Mr Bhansali. It was very touching that she knew all the assistants by name. When we would all sit down for lunch, she'd recount the most funny anecdotes. We'd just crack up all the time. But I actually realised what a genuine person she was when there was a continuity jerk with one of the assistants... It was on a close-up of Mr Bachchan and he's too senior for a mess up to happen. Rani realised what was happening and she quickly took the blame, saying it wasn't the assistant's fault but hers. That was such a learning experience for me.
*** http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349&amp;page=3.

*Deepika Padukone, actress
** My favourite actresses are Rani Mukerji, Preity Zinta and Sushmita Sen.{{source}}

*Ranbir Kapoor, actor
** I worked with Miss Rani Mukerji. God, it was such a brillant experience because she is such an wonderful actress, you know you learn so much just by observing her, not only just while the shoot is going on but while she is sitting down. The focus, dedication and the passion she has for her film its inspiring, you know, because Rani Mukerji is such a huge star and still she has so much more passion then me. You know it's my first film, just seeing her on the film set and seeing her act and acting with her... No i was not intimidated, I wouldn't say that, but I would say she made everything easy for me. Like they say acting is all about response and reacting to a person so every shoot was different. She would do one shoot and then do another shoot so I always had to be on guard and never let my guard down, not get thrown back by the improvisation she has done, so I think that also taught me a lot, made me a better actor if I may say so and I would just like to thank her for being part of my first film and teaching me so much.{{source}}

*Neetu Singh, actress
** [When asked which actress reminds her most of herself] Should I give myself a compliment? Rani Mukerji!
*** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwHVxyUTZg8.

*Shabana Azmi, actress:
**Rani Mukerji is brilliant. She rendered me speechless in Black.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

*Gauri Khan, Shahrukh Khan's wife
** Aamir Khan and Rani Mukerji are my favourites. I've loved Shah Rukh most in Chalte Chalte.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

*Vaibhavi Merchant, choreographer
** Rani is pure sunshine! She isn’t a fake at all, what you see is what you get and she never minces words – a phataka! She’s a complete woman – a brilliant actor, an ideal daughter and a fabulous friend.{{source}}

*Hrithik Roshan, actor:
** It was a pleasure working with Rani. She is very professional, very friendly and easygoing. She leaves all negativity behind when she comes on the sets. And she's a great friend. Rani and I make a very earthy pair. We don't look unbelievably glamorous on screen. We look like a real couple.&quot;
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

*Bobby Deol, actor
** I have fought with Rani and I have fought with Preity at some point or the other but we have become better friends after these fights.
*** http://celebrity.psyphil.com/bobby-deol-biography-interesting-facts-movies/
** She is one of my favourite costars. I am not saying it for the heck of it, she really is a very nice person.
*** http://ranimukherjee.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=personalquotes&amp;action=print&amp;thread=940.

*Govinda, actor
** No one can say for sure who is the number one actress, because talent abounds in Bollywood. But I would not hesitate to say that Rani is extremely talented and a great actress.{{source}}
** Rani is a nice girl. Nobody has ever said anything bad about her. She comes from a dignified family and I respect her and her family.{{source}}

*Jay Sean, singer
** My biggest Celeb crush? Rani Mukerji! She's so sexy!
*** http://ranimukherjee.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=personalquotes&amp;action=print&amp;thread=940.

*Suniel Shetty, actor
** Rani is fantastic. She has a dazzling smile and will go far!
*** dm_path=%2Fcelebquotesonrani.htm&amp;fw_sig_permissions=none&amp;fw_sig=4d86f3358d2d48bcecbaa5cbc75ff832&amp;fw_sig_access_token=b1341772f1482d9e6d76f739c95e2c2c4d373408&amp;fw_sig_social=1&amp;fw_sig_time=1345773655625&amp;fw_sig_session_key=13de860ef35f47187c2f4c9acbe95379efb0dc6c6851e301949cd027ddfb364e-16741239&amp;fw_sig_url=http://rani_world.webs.com/&amp;fw_sig_permission_level=0&amp;fw_sig_api_key=522b0eedffc137c934fc7268582d53a1&amp;fw_sig_premium=0&amp;fw_sig_tier=0&amp;fw_sig_is_admin=0&amp;fw_sig_site=16741239&amp;fb_sig_network=fw#3311.

*Arbaaz Khan, actor, director, producer
**The moment you meet Rani, almost instantly you fall in love with her. She's a wonderful person, a vibrant smile, her lovely eyes... She's a wonderful person to be with. On the sets she makes everybody happy... She's unbelievable, really. Everyone that Rani has worked with, she has touched them some way in their hearts. Every producer, actor would want to work with her. As a friend and as a professional, she's unbelivable. And I mean that.{{source}}

*Shahid Kapoor, actor
** What more could I ask for? Featuring in the same frame as her was a high. She is a great dancer and it is a compliment to match steps with her. I got to learn a lot from her long experience in the industry. She is a fantastic actress and an amazing person.{{source}}
** Rani is a very good actress.{{source}}
** I couldn't believe i was working with her.{{source}}
** Rani is a great dancer and people have forgotten that it has been a while since she has done an out-and-out dance number. The last time I saw Rani match up with any actor was with Govinda. There have been times when I have calmed myself down a little to balance it out with my co-actor, but Dil Bole Hadippa was the first time when I thought that I had to pull my socks up as Rani was going for the kill.
*** http://www.harrowobserver.co.uk/west-london-news/local-harrow-news/2009/09/04/bollywood-taking-on-the-hotties-in-tinseltown-116451-24610115/

*Anupam Kher, actor:
**First of all, she is an extremely talented actress. Rani has proved herself with Black. Without a doubt, she is a major pull at the box office. Also, she is a warm and straight forward individual. She would never indulge in petty politics. The best part about her is that she keeps everyone smiling and wants the world to be happy.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

*Vivek Oberoi, actor:
** Everyone loves her. She has a very disarming smile. She makes you feel wanted. We had a special relationship. What I like about her are her eyes and her warmth. They are the windows to her soul. She connects with people emotionally in real life. You can make out when you see her bonding with her family. That honesty comes through on screen. During the shooting for Saathiya her performance was so honest that I completely believed her and that helped me as an actor.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani_world/celebquotesonrani.htm.

*Emraan Hashmi, actor:
** Rani Mukerji is my favourite actress, I'd love to work with her.
*** http://www.freewebs.com/rani-mukerji/raniquotes.htm.

*Jaquline Fernanadez, actress
** I love Rani's eyes. I think she has the most expressive eyes in Bollywood.
*** http://www.oneshotoneplace.com/2012/03/23/aamir-khan-salman-khan-karan-johar-parineeti-chopra-shah-rukh-khan-sonam-kapoor-abhishek-bachchan-madhuri-dixit-priyanka-chopra-john-abraham-shahid-kapoor-anushka-sharma-jacqueline-fernand/

*Konkona sen Sharma, actress
** It was superb working with Rani. I was a big fan of hers before and I remember the first day I met her was at the reading for “Laaga Chunari Mein Daag”. Very shyly and nervously, I told her that I am a big fan of hers and she just laughed very sweetly and I don’t even think she even took me seriously but I was. It’s a pleasure working with her she is very professional but she is very much a real person. She doesn’t have starry airs and she is not snooty and goes of in a corner at all so it was difficult for me to reconcile the two images - the Rani I know on screen and the Rani I knew in person. There is so much to learn from her, she is a gifted actress, a great dancer. I think the chemistry we shared shows on screen. I had a lovely time.{{source}}

*Kunal Kapoor, actor
** Rani I am going to be very grateful to. Rani is exceptional. I think after Madhuri Dixit if there is anybody that can really dance and hold your attention, it's Rani and she was kind enough to help me while this song was going on and I think I have managed fairly well with her help because I crushed Konkana’s toes only once throughout the song. It was really nice of her. She helped me through a lot of steps.
***  http://www.asianoutlook.com/aoforum/showthread.php?t=12349&amp;page=3.

== What Others Had To Say? ==
* General Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan:
** She's very popular in Pakistan.
*** {{cite web | title=rediff.com | work=Pakistan's President on Rani Mukerji|
url=http://www.rediff.com/movies/2005/apr/22rani.htm|accessdate=1 October|accessyear=2006}}

* Manish Malhotra, fashion designer:
** Rani is one of the few actresses who know how to carry a Sari well. She looks incredibly sexy in some of these outfits (in the film). The sensuousness she exudes is aesthetic.{{source}}

* Komal Nahata, critic:
** She is a great performer, has bagged the most sought after productions and has all the big banners and heroes in her kitty.{{source}}
	
* Sanjay Mehta, distributor:
** Our industry might still be hero-dominated but she has the best track record among heroines.{{source}}

* Jaideep Sahni, writer:
** With Rani around, you can never realize how big a star she is.{{source}}

* Vinod Mirani, box office editor:
** She has the ability to stand out even in the biggest of star casts.{{source}}

== At Special Events ==

* On being honored at the Casablanca Film Festival in 2005:
::* Fifty thousand people on the beach watching 'Chalte Chalte' with me, then asking me questions about the songs and dances, the idiom and language of expression was incredible. I don't think I'll ever forget my experience in Casablanca.
::** {{cite web | title=ibosnetwork.com| work= Honoured at the Casablanca Film Festival|url=http://www.bollymirchi.com/Article758.html|accessdate=16 July|accessyear=2006}}
* {{cite web | title=thebollynews.in|url=https://www.thebollynews.in/

* On being invited to the State Dinner with General Pervez Musharraf:
::* It was like a dream come true! To just be part of such an event made me feel that I've done something to achieve this.
::**{{cite web | title=rediff.com | work=Rani: I'd love to go to Pakistan|url=http://www.rediff.com/movies/2005/apr/22rani.htm|accessdate=1 October|accessyear=2006}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* {{imdb name|id=0611552|name=Rani Mukerji}}

[[bn:রানী মুখোপাধ্যায়]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mukerji, Rani}}
[[Category:1978 births]]
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    <title>Shining Time Station</title>
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'''''[[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station]]''''' (1989–93) was an American PBS spinoff of the ''[[Thomas and Friends]]'' series, although it was co-created by [[w:Britt Allcroft|Britt Allcroft]]. The series returned with Family Specials in 1995 and later as ''[[w:Mr. Conductor's Thomas Tales|Mr. Conductor's Thomas Tales]]'' in 1996.

==Season 1 (1989-1990)==

===''A Place Unlike Any Other'' [1.1]===

:''[Matt cleans by Mr. Conductor's house]''
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Here! You missed a spot. It's the window over here. You did the others, but don't miss this one. That's a good lad. 
:''[he appears in front of the house, surprising Matt]'' 
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Can't do a job half way. What's worth doing is worth doing well, I say. And that goes double when you're doing my windows. Because they're double-paned. A pain in the neck, and a pane to clean. Do you know what I see when I look at that clean window?
:'''Matt:''' No.
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' The inside of the switch house. What else would I see? Well done, lad. What's your name?
:'''Matt:''' Mat--Matthew--M-- Matt!
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Or is it Matthew-Matt-Matthew? And you may call me Mr. Conductor. Well, you're a good worker. You know who'd like you? My friend Thomas.
:'''Matt:''' Thomas lives in there with you?
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Dear me, no! Thomas is a steam engine, and he lives on the Island of Sodor. You are interested in trains, aren't you?
:'''Matt:''' Yes, sir.
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Splendid. Then I'll tell you a story about my friend Thomas. You do like stories, don't you?
:'''Matt:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Very well. But first, I have to find my whistle.
:''[he looks in his pockets for his whistle and finds it]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Ah! Here we go!
:''[he blows his whistle and the first story begins]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry:''' There's just something about this place.

===''Does It Bite?'' [1.2]===

:'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[views the new schedule]'' Impossible! Ridiculous! And foolishness! This new train schedule is tommyrot, balderdash, and cuckoo. There isn't a train on Earth that can go from Point Pokey to Cloggyville in 11 seconds. It's 14 miles, and look here-- From Doodletown to Turley in 18 hours. Well, it's impossible. Why, I can walk from Doodletown to Turley in 15 minutes, and I'm only 18 inches tall! I'll just have to write the correct times in here.
:''[as he is about to, Stacy enters and notices]''
:'''Stacy''': What are you doing? Stop that! Those are the new train schedules from the railroad company. I am the only one who can change those schedules.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Well, it may be new, but it's ''not'' a train schedule.
:'''Stacy''': Give me that pencil!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Never! You can't get from Buttertown to Chubby Corners in four seconds! ''[disappears]''

===''Promises Promises'' [1.15]===
:'''Harry''': ''[inspects his sketch]'' And this becomes a local for Doodlehaven.
:''[Mr. Conductor, as a judge, appears before him, banging his gavel]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': This meeting is called to order!
:'''Harry''': I wish you'd warn me when you're going to do that.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Sorry, Harry. I'll try to remember.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. King''': Please, remove all of this equipment at once! Good day. ''[leaves]''
:'''Schemer''': Boy, oh, boy. Who does he think he is?
:'''Harry''': He is J.B. King, Schemer! Superintendent of the whole railroad!
:'''Schemer''': Yikes. Open foot, insert in mouth.

===''Too Many Cooks'' [1.17]===

:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': The name is Osgood Bob Flopdinger. I'm the mayor of East Shemp. And I'm looking for a man called Schemer. I never saw him before, but I know his voice. Have you seen him?
:''[Stacy notices Schemer directly behind the mayor and turns the mayor around to distract him while Schemer goes into hiding elsewhere]''
:'''Stacy''': Oh. Mayor Flopdinger! We spoke on the phone earlier.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Earlier than who?! ''[calmly]'' Never mind. The point is this. Have you tried that sandwich spread of his?
:'''Stacy''': Yes, I have tried it.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Well, then I don't have to tell you that this stuff is inedible by man nor beast. My shaving cream tastes better than this.
:'''Stacy''': I'll tell Schemer you stopped by.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Thank you very much. And tell Mr. Schemer that if he doesn't have a new, improved version of his sandwich spread in time for lunch, he's in big trouble! And not only with me, but also with every one of the Friends of the Flowering Cactus Ladies' Auxiliary. And that's not funny. Believe me, I speak from experience.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Matt:''' Mr. Conductor, how can Schemer make such a big mistake and still be like he always is? He's not sorry or anything.
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Well, he may not have learned anything. But you have learned about helping people. And Gordon has learned the same thing. Lucky thing for Thomas that he did too. But let me begin at the beginning.

===''Things That Go Ga-Hooga! in the Night'' [1.19]===

:'''Schemer''': It's the real man with his head on backwards! It's the real man with his head on backwards! (screams and jumps over the desk)
:'''Stacy''': Was that Schemer?
:'''Harry''': I do believe it was.
:'''Stacy''': Were his clothes on backwards?
:'''Harry''': I do believe they were.

===''Is This the End?'' [1.20]===

:'''Mr. Conductor''': Now, I think it ''is'' getting time for me to leave.
:'''Matt''': Not yet. Please, not yet.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Now, let me tell you both something. ''[removes his hat and dries his forehead with his handkerchief]'' No matter what happens, we will always be friends.
:'''Tanya''': Promise?
:'''Matt''': Promise?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': It's a promise! Good-bye, now. Good-bye. ''[leaves]''
:'''Tanya''': Wait! You forgot your hat.
:'''Matt''': It's too late. Now he's gone forever.

==='''Tis a Gift''===
:'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[hears a horn honk outside]'' Oh! There's Midge Smoot! Don't tell her a secret. She's sure to leak it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Stacy''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello? Shining Time Station. Stacy Jones speaking. Oh, hi, Claire. Oh, you want to bring Vickie here this afternoon?
:''[Matt and Tanya quietly make signals of objection]''
:'''Stacy''': Oh, sure, no problem. Okay. Glad to be of some help. I'll see you in a little bit. ''[hangs up; to the children]'' What is your problem?!
:'''Matt''': Vickie! She's horrible!
:'''Stacy''': Oh, she's not horrible.
:'''Tanya''': Yes, she is. She's mean and nasty and selfish and rude.
:'''Stacy''': Okay, okay, okay. Now, come on. Nobody can be that bad.
:'''Matt and Tanya''': Vickie can!
:'''Stacy''': Oh, now come on, you guys. She must have some good qualities. Think about it.
:'''Tanya''': Well,... No.
:'''Stacy''': Come on, you two.
:'''Matt''': Well, both her eyes are the same color.
:'''Stacy''': Oh, Matt.
:'''Tanya''': She never threw up on me.
:'''Stacy''': Tanya!
:'''Tanya''': Well, she does have a pretty good singing voice.
:'''Stacy''': Great! Then you can sing carols together.
:'''Tanya''': No. She never does anything you tell her to.
:'''Matt''': Yeah, and she never smiles, even when you say something funny to her.
:'''Stacy''': All right. Listen, you guys. I told her mother that she can come here and play, so I want you to be nice to her, okay?
:'''Matt''': Will Santa know we've been nice?
:'''Stacy''': Oh, yeah. Santa will know, and so will Vickie. I hope.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. King''': Miss Jones!
:'''Stacy''': Yes, sir!
:'''Mr. King''': There's a train leaving the station. It's... It's impossible!
:'''Stacy''': No, it's not, Mr. King. Nothing's impossible, unless you stop believing in it.

==Season 2 (1991)==
===''Scare Dares'' [2.1]===

:'''Matt''': Dear Cousin Dan, I can't wait for you to get here. Shining Time Station is busier than ever.
:'''Tanya''': Dear Cousin Kara, guess what? Our grandfather Harry was transferred to Fort Farley, so Shining Time Station has a new engineer. His name is Billy Twofeathers.
:'''Matt''': But Schemer is still Schemer, and you know what that means. And Aunt Stacy's fine, and she's really happy running the station. A man named Mr. Nicholas came to visit us at Christmas time. Mr. Nicholas needed help at his workshop, so when he went back to his home at the North Pole, Mr. Conductor went along with him.
:'''Tanya''': But then, Mr. Conductor's cousin arrived. There's always a Mr. Conductor living here, or else it wouldn't be Shining Time Station. See you on Halloween. Love, Tanya.
:'''Matt''': When you get here. Your cousin, Matt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Tanya Lasanya and Matt the Hatt!
:''[Dan and Kara notice him]''
:'''Kara''': Look, it's Mr. Conductor!
:''[Mr. Conductor disappears]''
:'''Kara''': Wait, where'd he go?!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': No. You're imagining me. I'm not really here.
:'''Kara''': Wait, don't be afraid of us. Harry's my grandfather and Tanya's my cousin. They told me all about Thomas and the other trains.
:'''Dan''': Hey, I'm Dan Jones. Stacy's my aunt, and she told me all about your stories and your magic.
:''[Mr. Conductor reappears]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': You mean you like stories, trains, and magic? Well, you've come to the right place! Let me properly introduce myself. Mr. Conductor, at your service.

===''Oh, What a Tangled Web'' [2.2]===

:'''Mr. King''': What, may I ask, is the meaning of this?
:'''Schemer''': ''[sleepily]'' Do be a love and scratch my foot, won't you? ''[notices Mr. King]'' Ah, hello, J.B. ''[suddenly reacts and is now wide awake]'' Mr. J.B. King, Esq., exalted head. The meaning of this! Yes. Uh, ah, yes. The meaning of this is that it is a managerial retreat. Yes. It's especially restful for important business-type people like yourself and I.
:'''Mr. King''': Put a sock in it, Schemer!!

===''The Magic is Believing'' [2.3]===

:'''Becky''': Neat! How does a doll like that run? On batteries?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': STOP IT! I don't come with batteries!
:'''Becky''': Yikes! It's a ''real'' little man!
:'''Dan''': We've been telling you, it's Mr. Conductor!
:'''Kara''': Now do you believe in magic?
:'''Becky''': I do. I do. I do!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Schemer''': ''[in the opening act of the show]'' The Scheme Master right here would like to tell you a little comic riddle. ''[laughs]'' It's a killer. Okay. All right, listen, here it is. ''[laughs again]'' I love this. What is green,... ''[quietly]'' Green. ''[continues]'' ...has six legs,... ''[under his breath]'' Six legs. ''[finishes]'' ...and if it drops out of a tree on your head, it'll squish you like a bug? ''[laughs]'' Okay. Nobody can guess? I'll hafta tell ya, then.
:'''Becky''': ''[raises her hand]'' I know! A pool table.
:'''Stacy''': Oh! Very good!
:''[everyone else applauds]''
:'''Becky''': Thank you.
:'''Schemer''': Well, thank you very much, Miss Smartypants-Know-It-All.
:''[Dan raises his hand]''
:'''Schemer''': Yeah, what?
:'''Dan''': Doesn't she win anything?
:'''Schemer''': No! This isn't a game show! I'm not givin' away money! I'm tryin' to do some jokes here! Come on, people! Sit up straight, pay attention, and let's start to laugh at Schemer! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! I'm workin' hard up here!

===''Win, Lose, or Draw'' [2.4]===
:'''Stacy''': Hiya, Barton! How was the race?
:'''Winslow''': It was totally ... You should've seen me. I was out at the starting gate like greased lightning, way ahead of the pack. Well, there was one cat just ahead of me. I poured on the speed. And there we were, rounding the last bend neck and neck, and then wailing down toward the finish line! I gunned it! He gunned it! Engines roared! ''[imitates engines roaring]'' What a cat! He took me! ''[calmly]'' I lost.

===''Sweet and Sour'' [2.5]===

:'''Rex''': The first job Tex and me had was inside a radio in a bank. Always had to play &quot;Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?&quot;.
:'''Didi''': Well, what's why the best place to work is a train station. 'Cause you get to play songs like...
:'''Tex''': ''Erie Canal''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Midge and a group of women form a picket in front of Schemer and Schemee's stand]''
:'''Midge''': All right, ladies. Just keep going around in a circle.
:'''Schemer''': Ah! My dear Midge Smoot.
:'''Midge''': Don't you dare &quot;Midge Smoot&quot; me! Why, you're lucky my dog is better. After eating two of your cookies, he was sick all afternoon.

===''A Dog's Life'' [2.7]===

:'''Kara''': ''[after Mr. Conductor's story]'' Mr. Conductor, did you tell us that just so we'd feel better about cleaning?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I was comparing your cleaning to the mess on Ginny's farm.
:Sometimes a little trouble causes great harm.
:Speaking of harm and making things cleaner,
:I'd better take a powder, because here comes Schemer! ''[disappears]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Schemer''': How's my little pooch, huh?
:''[the dog barks at him]''
:'''Schemer''': ''[intimidated]'' Sheesh! Now, is that any way for him to treat his master?!
:'''Billy''': Respect works both ways.
:'''Schemer''': All right. I'll show him some respect. ''[holds out a nickel]'' Here's a nickel!
:''[the dog barks at him again]''
:'''Schemer''': Now, why did he do that?!
:'''Billy''': I don't know. Maybe because you tied him up and you didn't take him for a walk. You didn't feed him. You didn't clean up after him.
:'''Schemer''': Anything else?
:'''Billy''': You didn't play with him!

===''Field Day'' [2.8]===

:'''Stacy''': ''[looks at the new uniforms]'' Oh, boy, look at that.
:'''Billy''': TST. I like the sound of that.
:'''Stacy''': Yeah. ''[looks at the back]'' &quot;The Schemer Team&quot;?
:'''Matt''': Well, Schemer did pay for the uniforms. ''[Mr. Conductor appears on his baseball bat]''
:'''Tanya''': Maybe they'll look better when they're on.
:''[Matt moves his bat, causing Mr. Conductor to fall on a mitt]''
:'''Kara''': Mr. Conductor, are you okay?
:'''Matt''': Sorry, Mr. Conductor. I didn't see you there.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[gets back on his feet]'' Oh, that's all right, Matt. Yes, Kara. I'm as right as rain. I landed as a soft pop fly, you might say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Weren't you supposed to be out playing baseball?
:'''Kara''': The game's not for a while yet.
:'''Dan''': And anyway, we're gonna lose.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Well, you certainly will with that attitude. Imagine if Thomas had felt like that in the story of a famous race against Bertie.
:'''Kara''': Did Thomas win?
:'''Becky''': Tell us, Mr. Conductor.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I will.

===''Wrong Track'' [2.9]===
:'''Dan''': Schemer, you stole all our money!
:'''Schemer''': What are you talkin' about? What money?
:'''Kara''': The one for Stacy's party, and you ate all our fudge.
:'''Schemer''': Hey, I did not steal any money, and I did not eat any...
:''[Becky shows him the empty fudge box]''
:'''Schemer''': Frankly, I had a couple pieces. But eating the food gave me a good idea. See? Fruit cakes, made by my mommy, five cents apiece. ''[laughs]''
:'''Billy''': Schemer, did you make Becky spend all her money?
:'''Schemer''': No, I didn't.
:'''Dan and Kara''': Did too!
:'''Schemer''': Did not!
:'''Dan and Kara''': Did too!
:'''Schemer''': Did not!
:'''Dan and Kara''': Did too!
:'''Schemer''': DID NOT!
:'''Becky''': Actually, he didn't.
:'''Schemer''': See? I didn't. ''[to Becky]'' I didn't?
:'''Becky''': I guess I could've said no. But I just got carried away.
:'''Schemer''': She could've said no, but she got carried away.
:'''Billy''': Did you know the fudge was for Stacy's party?
:'''Schemer''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Stacy's party. Stacy's party! Who cares about Stacy's party? Some stupid party I wasn't invited to, anyway.
:'''Billy''': Oh, you do care, and you ''are'' invited.
:'''Schemer''': I am?
:'''Dan, Kara, and Becky''': He is?
:'''Billy''': Of course he is! ''[takes Schemer's fruit cake stand]'' But it wouldn't be much of a party without fruit cakes.

===''Crackpot'' [2.11]===

:'''Mr. Conductor''': I don't think it matters on what we'll collect. All of it was not straw.
:'''Kara and Becky''': Straw?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Haven't I told about the time Percy ended up with a big straw collection and didn't want it? No? Well, then I'll tell you now. ''[blows whistle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kara''': ''[after Mr. Conductor's story]'' I'm glad the forest has grown back.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Forests do that. Leaves do, too. But friendships-- They can't grow back once they're broken. That's why we always have to take care of them.
:'''Kara''': Tea sets don't grow at all.
:'''Stacy''': ''[approaches with her newly-repaired teapot]'' But thank goodness for glue!
:'''Kara''': ''[notices the pot's cracks]'' But it's still cracked. I'm sorry. Next time you tell me not to touch something, I won't do it.
:'''Stacy''': Apology accepted. But you know, besides, I like these cracks. It gives it character, and it makes me think of all of you.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Stacy, are you calling me a crackpot?!

===''Stop the Press'' [2.14]===
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Scoop! Where is this Scoop?! I'm lookin' for this nincompoop Scoop!
:'''Scoop''': Mr. Mayor, here I am, Your Honor.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': ''[holds out his newspaper]'' Are you the author of this journalistic gobbledygook?
:'''Scoop''': The story on your campaign speech. Yes, sir. I wrote that.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': ''[hands Scoop the paper]'' Well, go ahead and read it. Read it right now, right there.
:'''Scoop''': ''[reads the article]'' &quot;His Honor said that he was here tonight to talk garbage.&quot; Well?
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Well, I said I was there to talk ''about'' garbage! Trash collections. Clean streets. Recycling.
:'''Scoop''': Oh. Sorry.
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Sorry? Well, what are you gonna do about it?
:'''Scoop''': We'll print a retraction in tomorrow's paper. No problem.

===''Double Trouble'' [2.16]===

:''[the two Mr. Conductors confront each other]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': He's not me!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': Yes, I am!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I'm much taller!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': No, you're not!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': You're fatter, though.
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': No, I'm not! We're the same!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': We're not the same at all!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': Yes, we are!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': No, we're not!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': Yes, we are!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I can prove it! That cutout fits my outline perfectly. It won't fit yours.
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': Will too!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Will not!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': Will too!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Be my guest!
:''[the Evil Mr. Conductor runs over to the cut out space where he used to be a picture and lies down in it]''
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor''': You'll see that I'm you, then you'll know that it's true.
:''[Mr. Conductor throws his magic dust on the Evil Mr. Conductor]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': GOTCHA!
:''[the Evil Mr. Conductor turns back into a picture]''

===''Is Anybody There?'' [2.17]===

:''[Schemer sees the mayor approaching him and remembers something]''
:'''Schemer''': Hello, everyone, we got a special birthday announcement for the mayor; it's the mayor's birthday today...
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': No, it's not my birthday. It's my wife's birthday!
:'''Schemer''': I'm sorry, it's his wife's birthday! Her name is Tuna Melt, and she's crispy on the outside, and she's soft on the inside. That's her name, and... ''[hands the mayor his microphone]''
:'''Mayor Flopdinger''': Her name is Twylene! Hello, Twylene, dear. It's me, Twylene, yes, your husband!

==Season 3 (1993)==
===''Becky Makes a Wish'' [3.1]===

:'''Billy''': You know, Becky, Midge has a great heart, but sometimes I wish she'd zip her lip.
:''[unbeknownst to him, the wishing star passes him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[having seen all the disaster the star has caused]'' This is just one of those days I wish I'd stayed in bed.
:''[the star passes him; in an instant, he is in bed]''

===''Schemer's Alone'' [3.2]===

:'''Mr. Conductor''': Well, I'm here to work. What's our first step?
:'''Billy''': Uh, your first step, Mr. Conductor, is to watch your step. That shelf hasn't been... ''[the shelf comes off, and Mr. Conductor slides down]'' ...nailed in.
:'''Stacy''': Mr. Conductor, are you all right?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': All right?! I appear for work and fall off a shelf? I've had better jobs, I'll tell ya.

===''Bully for Mr. Conductor'' [3.3]===

:'''Buster''': We'll see how tough you are after I tell my dumb uncle what happened. Then I can draw on the walls all I want.
:''[he stops and looks at Mr. King, who glares at him]''
:'''Buster''': Oh, hello, Uncle J.B. I was just telling them about how well you run the railroad.
:'''Mr. King''': You're already in enough trouble, Buster. Don't make it worse by lying to me.
:'''Buster''': Oh, but whatever do you mean, Uncle J.B.? We were just having fun.
:'''Mr. King''': Buster, we'll talk about it later. ''[points to the exit]'' Wait for me outside.
:'''Buster''': ''[upset]'' I never get to have any fun. ''[points at Dan]'' It's all his fault!
:'''Mr. King''': Outside!
:''[Buster exits the station]''

===''Stacy Cleans Up'' [3.4]===

:'''Typo''': I smell a story here.
:''[he takes a sniff, then groans in disgust and covers his nose]''
:'''Stacy''': ''[offers a clothespin]'' Oh, Mr. Typo! Here.
:''[Typo places the pin on his nose and exhales sharply]''
:'''Typo''': Oh, that's much better.
:'''Stacy''': Yeah, the garbage train outside has no place to go.
:'''Typo''': &quot;Garbage Dump Opens at Shining Time Station&quot;!
:'''Stacy''': No, no, no, Mr. Typo! We've got to figure something out.

===''Billy Saves the Day'' [3.6]===

:'''Mr. Conductor''': Everyone has something special to offer, but you never know it unless you give them a chance to show you.

===''Billy's Party'' [3.7]===

:'''Stacy''': Ginny, please, just try to calm down and tell us what happened.
:'''Ginny''': Well, you know my dog.
:'''Stacy''': Yes. The one you renamed Mr. Filthy?
:'''Ginny''': Well, this time, he's really gone and done it. I took the turkey outta the oven, and he's lookin' at it like a pointer. And I thought: &quot;That's kinda cute&quot;, when all of a sudden, he lunged, attacked, ran out the back door with it and tore it to shreds! ''[frets]'' And now, I don't have a turkey.
:'''Kara''': Mr. Filthy is a bad dog.
:'''Ginny''': From now on, his new name is Mr. Get-Outta-There. What am I gonna do? My nephew and his wife are comin' for dinner.
:'''Stacy''': You know something? There's a place in Dillylick that has pre-cooked turkeys, and I'm sure they're open for at least another half an hour.
:'''Ginny''': I can't make it to Dillylick.
:'''Billy''': You could if I took you there.
:'''Ginny''': You'd do that for me?!
:'''Billy''': Sure.
:'''Ginny''': ''[sets to leave]'' Oh, come on. Let's go. Time's a-wastin'!

===''Schemer Goes Camping'' [3.10]===

:'''Becky''': Stacy, we're not going camping in the rain, are we?
:'''Stacy''': No. I think we're gonna have to camp out in the station tonight.
:'''Schemer''': ''[laughs]'' Camp out in the station. Talk about survival!
:'''Stacy''': Well, what are you gonna do? You haven't packed any sleeping bags or blankets.
:'''Kara''': No food, no lanterns.
:'''Becky''': No raincoats, no flashlights.
:'''Schemer''': ''[through his bullhorn]'' Who cares? Real men know how to survive in the w--
:''[Stacy stuffs something in Schemer's bullhorn; Schemer lowers it]''
:'''Schemer''': Real men know how to survive in the woods using their basic instincts. For example, if we get hungry, we'll just eat bugs and bees and bark like the bears do. And if it starts raining, why we'll just build a log cabin. In short, Miss Jones, we'll be living off the land like that great American frontiersman: Pat Boone.﻿
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ginny exposes a cowering Schemer to Stacy and the children]''
:'''Schemer''': Okay, I admit it! I admit it! I don't know anything about camping! But please! Please! Please keep that mountain lion away from me! 
:'''Ginny''': Mountain lion? There are no mountain lions in this neck of the woods.
:'''Schemer''': Yes, there are! It's a mountain lion! It had a big furry tail, and little eyes, and little tiny legs, and... ''[imitates chomping]'' Chompin' on nuts.
:'''Stacy''': Oh, Schemer. That does not sound like a mountain lion. To me, it sounds like a squirrel.
:'''Schemer''': A squirrel? ''[calms down]'' Well, it sure looked like a mountain lion.
:'''Stacy''': Okay, Schemer. Why don't you come here and sit down with us? We'll get you dry, get you something to eat.
:'''Schemer''': Oh, no, no. I don't want anymore food. I'm too full. I think I ate too many sandwiches.
:'''Kara''': Hey, Schemer, how'd you get out of the creek?
:'''Schemer''': Gettin' outta the creek was easy. Gettin' outta the swamp-- Now, that was hard! I pulled myself up by this branch, but then it got really scary and everything, 'cause it was dark, and I was... ''[sobs hysterically]'' I thought I was a goner, and then that was it. I thought I'd never see Schemer again. But then I heard this little whistle.
:'''Stacy''': A little whistle?
:''[she notices Mr. Conductor holding up his whistle before he disappears]''
:'''Schemer''': Yeah. It was like this little whistle, and I didn't know where the heck the sound came from. So I start following the sound of this little whistle, I'm going through the woods, and all of a sudden, here I am at Shining Time Station. But I was kind of afraid to come in, because I kinda thought that the kids wouldn't wanna see the old Schemer again.

===''Mr. Conductor's Evil Twin'' [3.11]===
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' I won't go back! Not this time! A broken promise is not a crime.
:'''Kara:''' Well, then, I'll tell on you.
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' Tell. Go ahead. They'll just get angry and sent you to bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' Stick him quick! He'll get away!
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' Wait! I'm me! He's not!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' Stick him with that gluey pot!
:'''Kara:''' Which one of you's Mr. Conductor?!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' ME!
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' ME!
:'''Kara:''' Your whistle!
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' My whistle?!
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' My whistle!
:''[the evil Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which sounds like it used to be for the real one's whistle, and the real Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which is still at its low toot from earlier; Kara pours the glue on the evil Mr. Conductor]''
:'''Evil Mr. Conductor:''' NO!!!!
:''[he turns back into a picture]''
:'''Mr. Conductor:''' YES! Thank you, Kara. If you hadn't recognized my whistle, we'd have never gotten out of this mess!

===''Bad Luck Day at Shining Time Station'' [3.12]===
:'''Schemer''': ''[after finding out Schemee took his technique too far]'' Come on. He's just a child, and he's my nephew. I don't think it's appropriate that you punish him.
:'''Midge''': Why not?
:'''Schemer''': Because ''I'm'' going to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Schemee's bad luck scam has been exposed]''
:'''Midge''': I am so disappointed!
:'''Stacy''': Because it wasn't bad spirits? Only Schemee?
:'''Midge''': Exactly. I was having such a good time with all the bad spirits.
:'''Boonswaddle''': But, Midge, there ''were'' spirits! I heard them!
:'''Midge''': Oh, just save it, Doris--! Come on! --For the clap trap of next Friday's meeting of the ladies' auxiliary.
:'''Boonswaddle''': ''[notices the wet floor]'' Very wet here.
:''[she and Midge leave the station]''

===''Stacy Forgets Her Name'' [3.14]===

:'''Stacy''': Tell me, do I know you?
:'''Dan''': Of course you know me. I'm your nephew, Dan.
:'''Stacy''': Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, Dan.
:''[they shake hands as Mr. Conductor appears]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Hi, Dan. Hello, Stacy. ''[Stacy looks at him]''
:'''Stacy''': ''[shrieks]'' A little man! ''[hides behind the information desk]''
:'''Dan''': Aunt Stacy, come back! It's only Mr. Conductor!
:''[Mr. Conductor disappears, then reappears on the information desk; Stacy reacts]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': You don't have to be afraid of me. My name is Mr. Conductor, and I've known you since you were Dan's age. I knew your parents when they were Dan's age. I live here in the signal house on that mural.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Schemer, disguised as his attorney, approaches Stacy just after she has recovered from her amnesia]''
:'''Schemer''': Ah! Ah, Ma'am. Uh, Ma'am, uh, there you are. My client, Mr. Schemer, is hoping that you could re-sign this.
:'''Stacy''': Yes, uh,... Your client? Ma'am? Since when do you call me ma'am?!
:'''Schemer''': Uh, it's just a little joke, Jonesy,-- Miss Ma'am,-- Miss Jones.
:'''Stacy''': Yeah, and it's also important to remember who your friends aren't! Who would take advantage of someone for their own, low, mean-spirited personal gains?!
:''[she removes Schemer's disguise]''
:'''Schemer''': Ouch.
:''[wincing, he sets off]''
:'''Schemer''': Uh, I take it that means you are declining my client's offer?
:''[Stacy ignores him; Schemer shrugs and leaves]''

===''Mr. Conductor's Movie'' [3.16]===

:'''Stacy''': Ladies and gentlemen, cast and friends, Shining Time Station is proud to present... Oh. Mr. Conductor, what's your title?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Producer/director.
:'''Stacy:''' No, no, no, no. I mean, the title of the movie.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh. ''A Little Light Madness''.
:'''Stacy''': ...Proud to present, ''A Little Light Madness'', starring... starring everyone.

===''The Joke's on Schemer'' [3.17]===

:'''Didi''': Can you believe Schemer? He thinks today's April Fools Day, just 'cause the kids changed the date on the calendar.
:'''Tito''': And because he's out to trick everyone, he thinks everyone's out to trick him.
:'''Rex''': Maybe one of us oughta tell Schemer he's makin' a mistake, Tex.
:'''Tex''': Go right ahead, Rex.
:'''Jukebox band''': ''[in unison]'' Not! ''[laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kara''': ''[after the prank pulled on Schemer has backfired]'' Stacy, we're really sorry.
:'''Dan''': We let things go too far.
:'''Becky''': Will Schemer really lose the arcade?
:'''Stacy''': I don't think so. I think if we talk to Mr. King and explain what happened, everything will be all right, just as long as it doesn't happen again.
:''[Mr. Conductor appears]''
:'''Stacy''': Oh, Mr. Conductor. What do you think? Should we help Schemer?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I think so. This wasn't entirely his fault. But we better help him soon so he has time to get ready like me.
:'''Dan''': Ready for what?
:'''Stacy''': For tomorrow, which is ''really'' April Fools Day. And Schemer's gonna hafta go through this all over again!
:''[all five laugh]''

===''Dan's Big Race'' [3.20]===
:''[just as Schemer and Schemee celebrate the latter's victory in the race, something falls out of Schemee's pocket and clinks to the floor]''
:'''Schemer''': ''[stops]'' What was that?
:'''Stacy''': I was wondering the same thing.
:'''Winslow''': It's a lug wrench!
:'''Stacy''': ''[picks up the wrench]'' It certainly is. And I bet that this lug wrench will fit Dan's bike.
:'''Schemee''': Uh-oh. ''[to his uncle]'' You said to do anything to win.
:'''Schemer''': Hey, when I said &quot;anything&quot;, I did not mean &quot;''any''thing&quot;.
:'''Winslow''': And that means you're disqualified, Schemee. And I get my nickels back.
:''[Schemer hands Winslow back his nickels]''
:'''Schemee''': That's not fair!
:'''Stacy''': Fair? Schemee, not only did you break Dan's bike, but you could've caused Dan to have a serious accident. Now, is that fair?
:'''Schemee''': No.
:'''Stacy''': Well, I think you owe someone an apology.
:'''Schemee''': But I won the race.
:'''Schemer''': Hey, hey, hey! &quot;Won the race&quot;? I lost a pile of nickels, and more importantly than that, I lost the pride of the Schemer name.
:'''Schemee''': ''[frowns]'' I'm really sorry now.
:'''Schemer''': You're gonna be a lot more sorry when I get you home, take away your bike, and straighten out this curl! ''[drags his nephew out of the station]'' Now, c'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

===''Mr. Conductor Gets Left Out'' [3.21]===

:'''Stacy''': ''[upon seeing the children fixated on the television sets]'' Holy couch potato! That's it! No more TV.
:''[she unplugs the sets, shutting off the televisions; the children snap out of their trances]''

==Specials==
===''Once Upon a Time'' [Special 1]===
:''[Mr. Conductor writes in his diary]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Dear diary, there's only one way to begin this story. Once upon a time, because it was Founder's Day, the day we celebrate the history of Shining Time Station, I was up bright and early, trying to get things ready. I shampooed the pigeons, cleaned out the wishing well, and I just begun another job.

===''Second Chances'' [Special 2]===
:''[everybody has discovered that the baseball scoreboard had been desecrated from the spray paint]''
:'''Felix''': Vandalism! Can you imagine that? Right in our own backyard!
:'''Ginny''': You know, I can't understand why anyone would deface public property.
:'''Stacy''': What happened?
:'''Ginny''': Somebody spray-painted all over the baseball scoreboard.
:'''Stacy''': Are you sure?
:'''Felix''': This is a new low for our valley.
:'''Ginny''': Who would do such an awful thing?
:'''Kit''': ''[walks in]'' Hey, Stacy. Have you seen Billy?
:'''Stacy''': Oh, uh... Yes, Kit. He's waiting for you at the ball park.
:'''Kit''': Thank you. ''[leaves the lobby]''

===''One of the Family'' [Special 3]===

:'''Kara''': ''[hands Mr. Conductor an envelope]'' This came in the mail for you today. It has no address on it, but I guess it's for you.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[opens the envelope]'' Let's see. Who could be writing to me?
:''[he extracts a letter from the envelope and reads it]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, no. No! This can't be happening! No way!
:'''Kara''': What's the matter?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': My sister's coming for a visit.
:'''Kara''': ''You'' have a sister?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Well, I know we had the same parents, and we grew up in the same house. But somewhere along the way, my little sister was raised by laughing hyenas.
:'''Kara''': Little sister? How little is she?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, she's grown up now, but you never know it.
:'''Kara''': What do you mean?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Well, you see how neat and polite I am? She's messy and rude. She got away with everything when we were kids.
:'''Kara''': Like what?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': One night at dinner, she took off her shoes and socks and put her feet in the mashed potatoes! UGH! Another time, she took my drawings and made paper airplanes out of them!
:'''Kara''': Well, she was younger then. She wouldn't do that now.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh? What about the time she threw my favorite mittens in the toilet?!
:'''Kara''': Maybe she was just trying to have some fun.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': She had fun, all right. She laughed about it for weeks.
:'''Kara''': Still, it's nice when relatives come to visit, remember?

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stacy''': Harry, I'd like you to meet Billy, Billy Twofeathers. He took your old job-- Engineer, first-class.
:'''Harry''': ''[shakes hands with his successor]'' Hello, Billy.
:'''Billy''': Oh, I've heard a lot about you, Harry. You left some mighty big shoes to fill around this place.
:'''Harry''': Thank you, Billy!
:'''Stacy''': So tell me, what you been up to?
:'''Harry''': Well, let's see. It's hard to know where to begin. For one thing,...
:'''Billy''': ''[in response to the ringing phone]'' I'll get it.
:'''Stacy''': Oh, thank you, Billy.
:''[Billy heads for the workshop]''
:'''Harry''': I'm planning on rebuilding an entire steam engine. An old favorite of mine.
:'''Billy''': It's for you, Stacy!
:'''Stacy''': Oh, excuse me, Harry.
:''[she heads for the workshop as Billy approaches Harry]''
:'''Harry''': I was just telling Stacy my plans to build an entire steam engine...
:'''Mr. King''': ''[barges into the station]'' Mr. Twofeathers! There's a boiler problem with engine 4. I need you to look at it right away.
:'''Billy''': No problem. Thanks, Harry. ''[leaves]''
:'''Harry''': Yeah, yeah, yes, Billy. Yes.
:'''Mr. King''': ''[surprised]'' Harry, is that you?!
:'''Harry''': Yes!
:'''Mr. King''': ''[shakes hands with Harry]'' Welcome back, old timer!
:'''Harry''': Hello!
:'''Mr. King''': What have you been doing with yourself?
:'''Harry''': Well, I was just telling Billy about my plans to build...
:'''Mr. King''': ''[looks at his watch]'' I'm afraid that'll have to wait, old friend. I have a dozen things to do. What time do you have?
:'''Harry''': I wouldn't know.
:'''Mr. King''': But what happened to that gold watch that we gave you when you retired?
:'''Harry''': Well, it stopped working.
:'''Mr. King''': I see. Well, we'll get that fixed for you! ''[leaves]'' Nice talking to you, Harry.
:'''Harry''': Yes. Yes.
:'''Schemer''': ''[enters and passes Harry]'' Hey, Harry. How ya doin'? Ah, just great. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Harry''': Schemer? Schemer? Maybe things ''have'' changed around here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mr. Conductor finds his sister with the Jukebox Band]''
:'''Mr. Conductor''': I have been looking everywhere for you!
:'''Sister C''': Hey, there, big brother! Look at all these tiny people I found. They talk too much, but I've got them under control.
:'''Tito''': ''[laughs]'' Your sister's quite a card. A joker!
:'''Rex''': She was just tellin' us about when you was younger.
:'''Tex''': And you ran outside.
:'''Rex''': And your pants fell down!
:''[the band breaks into laughter]''
:'''Sister C''': Well, that's pretty much the bare facts.
:'''Rex''': The naked truth.
:'''Tex''': Yeah, the long and the shorts of it.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': How could you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Schemer''': Nobody but nobody stands a chance against us. We shall be victorious in our victory.
:'''Schemee''': What'd you put in here? A couple of huskies?
:'''Schemer''': Better than that.
:'''Schemee''': You didn't stick in little Tommy Havermeyer, the fastest kid in the valley, did ya?
:'''Schemer''': No! I didn't think of that. ''[quietly]'' There's a lawn mower engine in here! ''[laughs]''
:'''Schemee''': ''[inspects the seat]'' Doesn't look like there's much room for a driver.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ginny and Midge notice Schemer on his cart going haywire]''
:'''Midge''': My goodness, Ginny! What in the world is Schemer doing?
:'''Ginny''': Looks like he's mowin' the lawn.
:'''Midge''': Oh, isn't that nice?

===''Queen for a Day'' [Special 4]===

:''[Biff and Bull approach the Queen's car]''
:'''Bull''': Now what?
:'''Biff''': Now what?! She's in there! The old lady with the jewels, remember? And we are gonna steal 'em.
:'''Bull''': I know that! But how?
:'''Biff''': We simply uncouple that car, and the rest of the train speeds away, which leaves us here alone with the jewels.
:'''Bull''': Oh. Okay, let's do it.
:'''Biff''': By all means, please! Proceed!
:'''Bull''': I don't know why I'm always the one that has to do all the real work around here!
:''[he reaches for the coupling and detaches it; the rest of the train takes off with the thieves in tow, leaving the Queen's car behind]''
:'''Biff''': Great! Now, we jump for it!
:'''Bull''': What?
:'''Biff''': Hurry! Move! Jump!
:'''Bull''': Jump?! Whattaya mean jump?!
:'''Biff''': The car with the jewels! It's gettin' away!
:'''Bull''': Oh, no.
:'''Biff''': Too late! ''[smacks his partner]'' Now look what you've done!
:'''Bull''': What ''I'' done?! It was your idea!
:'''Biff''': Hey! At least I got an idea, peabrain! ''[stares at the abandoned car]'' Look at it! It's gettin' away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit''': Hey, Mickey, I'm going to the clubhouse. Are you coming or not?
:'''Mickey''': The clubhouse? Oh, yes. Quite. I mean, sure thing. ''[to Kara and Becky]'' Excuse me, ladies.
:''[as he leaves, Kara and Becky are left astonished]''
:'''Kara''': &quot;Excuse me, ladies&quot;?! He's so... polite.
:'''Becky''': Should we ask him to be in our play? He'd be a perfect prince.
:'''Kara''': I don't know. I wonder what a real prince would be like? ''[Mr. Conductor appears]'' Hi, Mr. Conductor.
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Hello, Kara. Hi, Becky.
:'''Becky''': Mr. Conductor, have you met a real prince?
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Not exactly, at least not yet. But Thomas has lots of experience with crowned heads. He's even met the Queen.
:'''Kara and Becky''': ''[in unison]'' No!
:'''Mr. Conductor''': Yes! ''[blows his whistle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[notices Biff and Bull on a handcar]'' Well, it seems we've been dealt a pair of knaves to go with our queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Biff and Bull find Schemer about to part with the handbag full of jewelry]''
:'''Schemer''': Goodbye, jewels.
:'''Biff''': Nice suitcase, pal.
:''[Schemer, in surprise, snaps the bag shut on his hand]''
:'''Biff''': I said I like your suitcase!
:'''Schemer''': Oh, thank you very much. It is nice, isn't it?
:'''Bull''': Just hand it over, mac.
:'''Biff''': What it is, see,-- We're detectives. Private eyes. And we're on the trail of some hot rocks!
:'''Schemer''': Hot rocks?
:'''Biff''': Stolen jewelry, diamonds, pearls-- Stuff like that. We're after a lady with an English accent. She stole 'em, see? She's what we call the perp. You seen her around?
:'''Schemer''': No, I have not! I don't know any English perps! Can't help you there. No can do.
:'''Bull''': Just give it here.
:''[he and Biff reach for the bag]''
:'''Schemer''': Stacy! Stacy! ''[smacks the thieves]'' Get away from me, you!
:'''Stacy''': ''[enters with a baseball bat]'' Schemer, are you all right?!
:''[Biff and Bull stop and look up at her]''
:'''Stacy''': Can I help you, gentlemen?
:'''Biff''': G'day, ma'am. We're detectives.
:'''Bull''': Yeah, private eyes.
:'''Biff''': And I was wondering,...
:'''Bull''': You see, your friend there has somethin' that belongs to us, and we'd like it back.
:'''Stacy''': Schemer?
:'''Schemer''': ''[points at the thieves]'' Bad men! Bad men!
:'''Stacy''': Do you have something to prove that you're real detectives? A badge, some identification, something like that?
:''[the thieves ponder]''
:'''Bull''': Identification...
:'''Biff''': A badge, huh? What it is, see,-- We don't hafta tell you who we are, because we are undercover.
:'''Stacy''': Oh. Well, this is my station. And unless you can prove that you're real detectives,...
:'''Bull''': No, no, no, no, no, no. Like he said, see, we're under-the-covers.
:'''Stacy''': Oh. Well, I suggest that you leave.
:''[Biff and Bull laugh]''
:'''Bull''': Who's gonna make us leave, huh? What, you?
:'''Stacy''': ''[holds up her bat]'' That's right! ''[inches toward Biff and Bull]'' Now, this happens to be my station. I am the station manager. And I'm not gonna ask you one more time... to leave this station!
:'''Biff''': ''[intimidated]'' We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!
:''[he and Bull retreat]''
:'''Schemer''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!&quot; Run! Run! Run, you little chickens! Run! ''[laughs]'' You and me, Jonesy.
:'''Stacy''': Schemer, what was that all about? What's an English perp?
:'''Schemer''': No, no, no, no, no, no. A Schemer burp. ''[burps; gasps]'' Excuse me, Miss Jones! ''[apologetically]'' Excuse me, Miss Jones. Excuse me.
:''[he sets off]''
:'''Stacy''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Oh, Schemer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Biff and Bull build a smoke bomb]''
:'''Biff''': Old sneakers.
:''[Bull hands him an old pair of sneakers; Biff adds them to the mixture]''
:'''Biff''': Old socks.
:''[Bull hands him an old pair of socks to add to the mixture]''
:'''Biff''': Rotten broccoli!
:''[he holds out his hand, but Bull stays still]''
:'''Biff''': I said rotten broccoli. Hey! ''[hands his partner a clothespin]'' I told you to wear one of these, ya dope!
:''[Bull puts the clothespin on his nose]''
:'''Bull''': Sheesh.
:'''Biff''': Now, rotten broccoli.
:'''Bull''': ''[hands him an old head of broccoli]'' It's so gross!
:'''Biff''': Well, of course it's gross! It's supposed to be gross. ''[adds the broccoli to the mixture]'' When this stink bomb goes off that that talent show, those jewels are gonna be ours!
:''[both men laugh maniacally and continue preparing the smoke bomb]''

==Cast==
===Series regulars===
* [[w:Didi Conn|Didi Conn]] - Stacy Jones
* [[w:Brian O'Connor (actor)|Brian O'Connor]] - Horace Schemer
* [[Ringo Starr]] - Mr. Conductor (season 1)
* [[w:Leonard Jackson (actor)|Leonard Jackson]] - Henry &quot;Harry&quot; Cupper (season 1)
* [[w:Jason Woliner|Jason Woliner]] - Matthew &quot;Matt&quot; Jones (seasons 1-2)
* [[w:Nicole Leach|Nicole Leach]] - Tanya Cupper (seasons 1-2)
* [[George Carlin]] - Mr. Conductor (seasons 2-3; specials)
* [[w:Erica Luttrell|Erica Luttrell]] - Kara Cupper (seasons 2-3; specials)
* [[w:Ari Magder|Ari Magder]] - Daniel &quot;Dan&quot; Jones (seasons 2-3; specials)
* [[w:Danielle Marcot|Danielle Marcot]] - Becky (seasons 2-3; specials)
* [[w:Tom Jackson (actor)|Tom Jackson]] - Billy Twofeathers (seasons 2-3; specials)
* Jerome Dempsey - Mayor Osgood Bob Flopdinger
* Mart Hulswit - Mr. J.B. King, Esq.
* [[w:Bobo Lewis|Bobo Lewis]] - Midge Smoot
* Jonathan Shapiro - Schemee (seasons 2-3; specials)
* [[w:Gerard Parkes|Gerard Parkes]] - Barton Winslow (seasons 2-3)
* [[w:Barbara Hamilton (actress)|Barbara Hamilton]] - Ginny Johnson (seasons 2-3; specials)
* Aurelio Padrón - Felix Perez (seasons 2-3; specials)

===The Jukebox Band===
* [[w:Jonathan Freeman (actor)|Jonathan Freeman]] - Tito Swing
* [[w:Olga Marin|Olga Marin]] - Didi
* [[w:Wayne White (artist)|Wayne White]] - Tex (1989)
* [[w:Alan Semok|Alan Semok]] - Tex (1990-1995)
* [[w:Craig Marin|Craig Marin]] - Rex
* [[w:Peter Baird|Peter Baird]]/[[w:Alan Semok|Alan Semok]]/[[w:Vaneese Thomas|Vaneese Thomas]] - Grace the Bass (1989)
* [[w:Peter Baird|Peter Baird]]/[[w:Kenny Miele|Kenny Miele]] - Grace the Bass (1990-1995)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0098910|title=Shining Time Station}}
*[http://www.tv.com/shining-time-station/tis-a-gift/episode/329288/summary.html?tag=ep_list;ep_title;20 TV.com - Shining Time Station: 'Tis A Gift]

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:Children's TV shows]]
[[Category:PBS shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Superman Returns</title>
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'''''[[w:Superman Returns|Superman Returns]]''''' is a [[w:2006 in film|2006]] film directed by [[w:Bryan Singer|Bryan Singer]], centering around the character [[Superman]] who returns to Earth after a five year absence.

''Directed by [[w:Bryan Singer|Bryan Singer]]. Written by [[w:Dan Harris|Dan Harris]] and [[w:Michael Dougherty|Michael Dougherty]]. Based on [[w:DC Comics|DC Comics]] characters created by [[w:Jerry Siegel|Jerry Siegel]] and [[w:Joe Shuster|Joe Shuster]].''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Lex, your friends give me the creeps. 
:'''Lex Luthor''': [[Prison]] is a creepy place, Kitty. One needs to make creepy friends in order to survive. Even a man with my vast talents is worth less inside than a carton of cigarettes and a sharp piece of metal in your pocket. [''walks over to his bookshelves''] Do you know the story of [[Prometheus]]? No, of course, you don't ''(as Kitty is about to answer)''. Prometheus was the [[Deity|god]] who stole the [[power]] of [[fire]] from the other gods and gave control of it to mortals, in essence, he gave us [[technology]], he gave us power.
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': So, we're stealing fire? In the Arctic? 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Actually, sort of. You see whoever controls technology controls the world. The Roman empire ruled the world because they built roads. The British Empire ruled the world because they built ships. America; the atom bomb. And so on and so forth. I just want what Prometheus wanted. 
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Sounds great, Lex. But you're not a god.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their powers with [[mankind]]. No, I don't want to be a god, I just want to bring fire to the people. And I want my cut.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jor-El''': My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. I am your father. By now I will have been dead for many thousands of your years. 
:'''Lex Luthor''': He thinks I'm his son?
:'''Jor-El''': Embedded in the crystals before you is the total accumulation of all literature and scientific fact of dozens of other worlds spanning the twenty-eight known galaxies. 
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Can he see us?
:'''Lex Luthor''': No, he's dead.
:'''Jor-El''': There are many questions to be asked. Here, in this ''Fortress of Solitude'', we will try to find the answers together. So, my son...Kal-El...speak.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Tell me everything. Starting with crystals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Look who's back?
:'''Perry White''': Kent? 
:'''Clark Kent''': Hey. Chief! Thank you for giving me my job back.
:'''Perry White''': Don't thank me. Thank Norm Palmer for dying!
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': It was his time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': [''leans over an unsuspecting Clark who is holding a family photo of Lois Lane, her fiancé Richard White and Lois' son Jason, ''] Ha! Yeah! He looks just like his mom. Already takes after her too, especially when it comes to getting into trouble. 
:'''Clark Kent''': Mother?
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Oh yeah, well I guess you've been gone. Fearless reporter Lois Lane is a mommy.
:[''Clark cracks the glass of the photo frame with his thumb'']
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': [''taking the photo from Clark''] I'll just take that...
:'''Clark Kent''': Sorry.
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': No, it's okay, she's got tons.
:'''Clark Kent''': Wait, she's married?
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Yes. No! Not really, It's more like a prolonged engagement. But don't ask Miss Lane when they're tying the knot 'cause she hates that question... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bartender''': Must be tough coming back.
:'''Clark Kent''': Coming back?
:'''Bartender''': To work.
:'''Clark Kent''': Well, you know, things change. Well, of course things change. But somethings that you thought wouldn't change could change. Take Lois. A woman like her, I never thought she'd settle down.
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': If you ask me, 'cause she'd never tell you this, but if you ask me? She's still in love with ''you-know-who''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''During Lex's experiment with the train set''] 
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Wow, that's really something Lex.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Wait for it.
:[''nothing happens'']
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Wow, that's really something, Lex. It's freakin' ''Gone with the Wind''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason White''': Hi.
:'''Clark Kent''': Hello.
:'''Jason White''': Who are you.
:'''Clark Kent''': Oh, I'm Clark Kent. I'm an old friend of your mom's, from before you were born.
:'''Jason White''': Really? She never mentioned you.
:'''Clark Kent''': Really? Never?
:'''Jason White''': Nope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Lois introducing Clark to Richard'']
:'''Lois Lane''': Clark, Richard. Richard, Clark.
:'''Richard White''': Richard White.
:'''Lois Lane''': Richard's an assistant editor who basically saved our international section. He's also a pilot and he loves horror movies. Clark is... well, he's Clark.
:'''Richard White''': Good to finally meet you, I've heard so much.
:'''Clark Kent''': Oh, you have? 
:'''Richard White''': Yeah, Jimmy just won't shut up about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': Can I ask you something? Have you ever met someone and it's almost like you're from totally different worlds, but you share such a strong connection that you knew you were destined to be with each other, and then he just takes off, without explaining why or without even saying goodbye? [''turns around''] Sounds cheezy, I know. Taxi! 
:'''Clark Kent''': Well, maybe it was hard to say goodbye because he had to go and... he wanted to say goodbye but... maybe it was too difficult for him.
:'''Lois Lane''': Difficult? How is it difficult? What's wrong with goodbye? 
:'''Clark Kent''': Who are we talking about again? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard White''': So, I've noticed you've been acting a little different lately. 
:'''Lois Lane''': Have I?
:'''Richard White''': You know, Lois... that article that you wrote-
:'''Lois Lane''': &quot;Why the World Doesn't Need Superman&quot;? 
:'''Richard White''': No, no, no. No, the other one from years ago, before we met? 
:'''Lois Lane''': Well, which article? I wrote dozens about him. I was practically his press agent.
:'''Richard White''': &quot;I Spent the Night with Superman&quot;. 
:'''Lois Lane''': Richard. Come on. It was the title of an interview. Plus, it was your Uncle Perry's idea.
:'''Richard White''': No, I know. It's okay.
:'''Lois Lane''': Richard... it was a long time ago.
:'''Richard White''': Were you in love with him?
:'''Lois Lane''': He was Superman. Everyone was in love with him.
:'''Richard White''': But were you?
:'''Lois Lane''': [''long pause''] No. 

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': [''slaps Lex''] I was going to ''pretend'' the brakes were out! Pretend! Like we talked about! You didn't actually have to do that to ''them''! 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Of course I did. A man can always tell when a woman is pretending, especially Superman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': Eh.
:'''Perry White''': Eh? These are iconic, and they were taken by a 12 year-old with a camera phone. What've you got, Olsen?
:[''Jimmy shows White a grainy photograph of a pair of buildings.'']
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': ...I got those...
:[''In response to Perry's look, Jimmy points at a small dot, everyone gathers around.'']
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Look, in the sky, Chief.
:'''Lois Lane''': It's a bird.
:'''Perry White''': It's a plane.
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': No, look, it's...
:'''Clark Kent''': [''Knocking and entering''] Uh, you wanted to see me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': But there are dozens of other stories out there!
:'''Perry White''': Yeah? Name one.
:'''Lois Lane''': Well, there was a museum robbery last night. Even Superman missed that one. [''Taps photo of Superman with Kitty in his arms.''] He was too busy saving this hooker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Why don't you guys track down Lex Luthor? I mean, no one's seen him since his fifth appeal and he has more bad history with Superman than anyone, maybe he's got something to say?
:'''Perry White''': Luthor is yesterday's news. 
:'''Clark Kent''': Jimmy, how did Lex Luthor get out of prison?
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': Well, the appeals court called Superman as a witness and he wasn't around. How much do you think that pisses off Superman?
:'''Clark Kent''': [''seething with anger''] A lot?
:'''Jimmy Olsen''': A lot.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard White''': So with the Super-Hearing does he hear each sound by itself or everything all at once?
:'''Lois Lane''': Both.
:'''Richard White''': He's certainly a lot taller than I thought.
:'''Lois Lane''': 6'4&quot;.
:'''Richard White''': I love that he can see through anything. I'd have fun with that.
:'''Lois Lane''': Anything but lead.
:'''Richard White''': I bet he's-
:'''Lois Lane''': 225 pounds, faster than a speeding bullet, draws his powers from the sun, invulnerable to anything but Kryptonite, and he never lies.
:'''Richard White''': Kryptonite?
:'''Lois Lane''': Radioactive pieces of his homeworld. It's deadly. To him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': Let's start with the big question. Where did you go?
:'''Superman''': To Krypton.
:'''Lois Lane''': But you told me it was destroyed ages ago.  
:'''Superman''': It was. But when astronomers thought they found it... I had to see for myself.
:'''Lois Lane''': Well, you're back. And everyone seems to be pretty happy about it.
:'''Superman''': Not everyone. I read the article, Lois.
:'''Lois Lane''': Yeah, so did a lot of people. Tomorrow night, they're giving me the Pulitzer-
:'''Superman''': Why did you write it? 
:'''Lois Lane''': How could you leave us like that? I moved on. So did the rest of us. That's why I wrote it. The world doesn't need a savior and neither do I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': Clark said the reason you left without saying goodbye was because it was too unbearable for you. Personally, I think that's a load of crap.
:'''Superman''': Clark?
:'''Lois Lane''': Just a guy I work with.
:'''Superman''': Maybe Clark's right. 
:'''Lois Lane''': You know my... [''hesitates''] Richard. He's a pilot. He takes me up all the time.
:'''Superman''': Not like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Superman is flying high above Metropolis with Lois Lane'']
:'''Superman''': Listen. What do you hear? 
:'''Lois Lane''': Nothing.
:'''Superman''': I hear everything. You wrote that the world doesn't need a savior. But everyday I hear people crying for one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard White''': We're having beef, honey. You want the tofu wrap or the veggie wrap? [''notices Lois' disheveled look and silence''] You okay?
:'''Lois Lane''': Uh-huh!
:'''Richard White''': Where've you been?
:'''Lois Lane''': [''awkward pause''] I was...up on the roof! Getting some air.
:'''Richard White''': Tell the truth now. [''looks around at Clark and Jimmy. Jimmy awkwardly stuffs his face''] Were you smoking?
:'''Lois Lane''': ....No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Lois is sneaking on board Lex Luthor's ship'')
:'''Jason Kent''': Mommy, are we trespassing?
:'''Lois Lane''': No... yes... shhh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': And what is your name?
:'''Jason White''': I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Cute kid, and smart. 
:'''Lois Lane''': Thanks.
:'''Lex Luthor''': But we're not really strangers, are we? This is kind of a little reunion, isn't it? Heck, I'm a fan! I love your writing... and your dress.
:'''Lois Lane''': I love your boat. How'd you get it? Swindle some old widow out of her money?
:'''Lex Luthor''': [''laughs''] Hey, didn't you win the Pulitzer Prize for my favorite article of all time &quot;Why the World Doesn't Need Superman?&quot; 
:'''Lois Lane''': Didn't you have a few more years to go on that double life sentence? 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Yes, well, we can thank the Man of Steel of that; I mean, he's really good at swooping in and catching the bad guys, but he's not so hot at the little things like Miranda Rights, due processing... making your court date. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': What do you know about crystals?
:'''Lois Lane''': They make great chandeliers.
:'''Lex Luthor''': This crystal may seem unremarkable, but so is the seed of a redwood tree. It's how our mutual friend in tights made his arctic getaway spot. Cute, but a little small for my tastes. 
:'''Lois Lane''': You're building an island?
:'''Lex Luthor''': You're not seeing the big picture here, Miss Lane. Let me enlarge it for you. [''brings down another map''] Not just an island. An entirely new continent. An extinct world, reborn, on our own. 
:'''Lois Lane''': Why? 
:'''Lex Luthor''': [''confused''] Land, Miss Lane. I mean- Kitty, what did my father used to say to me?
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': You're losing your hair?
:'''Lex Luthor''': No, before that.
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Get out?
:'''Lex Luthor''': He said, &quot;You can print money, manufacture diamonds and people are a dime a dozen, but people will always need land.&quot; It's the one thing we aren't making anymore.
:'''Lois Lane''': But the United States...
:'''Lex Luthor''': [''brings down another map''] Will be underwater. It's simple physics, Miss Lane. Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. 
:'''Lois Lane''': And the rest of the world will just let you keep it? They'll...
:'''Lex Luthor''': They'll... what? I'll have advanced alien technology. Thousands of years beyond what anyone can throw at me. Bring it on! 
:'''Lois Lane''': But millions of people will die.
:'''Lex Luthor''': Billions! Once again the press underestimates me. Come on, let me hear you say it, just once, come on.
:'''Lois Lane''': You're insane!
:'''Lex Luthor''': No! ''[laughing]'' Not that, no, the other thing. I know it's just dangling off the tip of your tongue, let me hear it just once, please?
:'''Lois Lane''': Superman will never- 
:'''Lex Luthor''': &lt;big&gt;'''''WROOOONNG!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:[''Lex shows Lois a piece of Kryptonite]
:'''Lois Lane''': What is that? 
:'''Lex Luthor''': I think you know exactly what this is. Mind over muscle, Miss Lane. Mind over... [''noticing Jason's looking at the Kryptonite''] Who is that boy's father?
:'''Lois Lane''': ''[swallowing]'' Richard.
:''[Luthor is about to speak when his henchman calls through the radio]'' 
:'''Thug''': Mr. Luthor, we're reaching the coordinates.
:'''Lex Luthor''':  ''[looking at Lois]'' Are you sure?
:'''Thug''': ''[through the radio]'' Yes, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': How did you get here?
:'''Richard White''': I flew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': [The crystal] It's like a seed, and all it needs is water.
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Like... uhh... sea monkeys?
:'''Lex Luthor''': [''sighs''] Exactly, Kitty. Like sea monkeys.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': See anything familiar?
:'''Superman''': I see an old man's sick joke. 
:'''Lex Luthor''': Really? Because I see my new apartment. And a place for Kitty. One for my friends. And the place over there, I'll rent out. But, you know, maybe you're right. You know, maybe it- it is a little cold. It's, uh... uh, What's the word I'm searching for? It's a little... ''alien''. It lacks that human touch. 

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Lex?
:'''Lex Luthor''': Mmm-hmm?
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Are billions of people really going to die?
:'''Lex Luthor''': [''casually''] Yes.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lex Luthor and Kitty are stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. Lex angrily throws a coconut into the ocean.]''
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': Lex, we only had six of those!
:'''Lex Luthor''': Six? I would trade three hundred THOUSAND coconuts and every ounce of your blood, FOR A QUART OF GASOLINE! [''points at their useless helicopter'']
:'''Kitty Kowalski''': But what would we have to eat?
:[''Lex looks hungrily at Kitty's dog'']

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''last lines'']
:'''Lois Lane''': Will we see you... around?
:'''Superman''': I'm always around. Goodnight, Lois.

== Cast ==
{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
! Actor
! Role
|-
| [[w:Brandon Routh|Brandon Routh]]
| [[w:Clark Kent|Clark Kent]] / [[w:Superman|Superman]]
|-
| [[w:Kate Bosworth|Kate Bosworth]]
| [[w:Lois Lane|Lois Lane]]
|-
| [[Kevin Spacey]]
| [[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]
|-
| [[Marlon Brando]]
| [[w:Jor-El|Jor-El]] (Stock Footage)
|-
| [[w:Eva Marie Saint|Eva Marie Saint]]
| [[w:Martha Kent|Martha Kent]]
|-
| [[w:James Marsden|James Marsden]]
| [[w:Richard White (character)|Richard White]]
|-
| [[w:Sam Huntington|Sam Huntington]]
| [[W:Jimmy Olsen|Jimmy Olsen]]
|-
| [[w:Tristan Leabu|Tristan Leabu]]
| [[w:Jason Kent (character)|Jason White]]
|-
| [[w:Frank Langella|Frank Langella]]
| [[w:Perry White|Perry White]]
|-
| [[w:Kal Penn|Kal Penn]]
| Stanford
|-
| [[w:Parker Posey|Parker Posey]]
| Kitty Kowalski
|-
| [[w:James Karen|James Karen]]
| [[w:Ben Hubbard|Ben Hubbard]]
|-
| Stephan Bender
| Young [[w:Clark Kent|Clark Kent]]
|-
| [[w:Jack Larson|Jack Larson]]
| [[w:Bibbo Bibbowski|Bibbo Bibbowski/Bo the Bartender]]
|-
| [[w:Noel Neill|Noel Neill]]
| Gertrude Vanderworth
|-
| Mike Massa
| 777 Pilot
|-
| [[w:Peta Wilson|Peta Wilson]]
| Flight Attendant Bobbie Faye
|-
|}

== About ==
* What I had noticed is that there weren't a lot of women lining up to see a comic book movie, but they were going to line up to see [[w:The Devil Wears Prada (film|The Devil Wear Prada]], which may have been something I wanted to address. But when you're making a movie, you're not thinking about that stuff, you're thinking, 'Wow, I want to make a romantic movie that harkens back to the [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]] movie that I loved so much.' And that's what I did.
* I've always felt that the origin of Superman is the story of [[Moses]] -- the child sent on a ship to fulfill a destiny. And this was a story about Christ -- it's all about sacrifice: The world, I hear their cries. So what happens? He gets the knife in the side and later he falls to the earth in the shape of a crucifix. It was kind of nailing you on the head, but I enjoyed that, because I've always found the myth of Christ compelling and moving. So I hoped to do my own take, which is heavy's for a summer movie.
** Director [[w:Bryan Singer|Bryan Singer]] [http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/bryan-singer-why-superman-returns-179292  &quot;Bryan Singer: Why 'Superman Returns' Didn't Work&quot;], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', April 17, 2011.

* I thought he'd make a really [[gay]] Superman but he didn't; it was more [[Jesus]]' Superman...a lot of Messianic poses and what not and I was hoping for a little more gay action.
** [[Kevin Smith]], ''A Complete History of American Comic Books'' by Shirrel Rhoades p.66

==See also==
* ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' ([[w:1978 in film|1978]])
* ''[[Superman II]]'' ([[w:1980 in film|1980]])
* ''[[Superman III]]'' ([[w:1983 in film|1983]])
* ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' ([[w:1987 in film|1987]])
* ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' ([[w:2013 in film|2013]])

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|0348150|Superman Returns}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|superman_returns|Superman Returns}}
*[http://www.oldestjoke.com/superman-returns-quotes.php Superman Returns Memorable Quotes]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Superman 5}}
[[Category:Superman films]]
[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Journalist films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Bryan Singer]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Over the Hedge (film)</title>
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    <id>26618</id>
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      <id>3606950</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T12:39:40Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>24.98.34.144</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Over the Hedge (film)|Over the Hedge]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] film based on the [[w:United Media|United Media]] [[w:Over the Hedge|comic strip of the same name]]. It follows a raccoon who cons a group of woodland animals to help him pay a debt to a homicidal bear.
:''Directed by [[w:Tim Johnson (film director)|Tim Johnson]] and [[w:Karey Kirkpatrick|Karey Kirkpatrick]]. Written by [[w:Len Blum|Len Blum]], Lorne Cameron, [[w:David Hoselton|David Hoselton]] and Karey Kirkpatrick.
{{center|'''Get over it.''' &lt;small&gt;([[Over the Hedge (film)#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==R.J.==
* Didn't you see it? It was in a box. They always got food with them. We ''eat to live'', these guys ''live to... eat''! Let me show you what I'm talking about. ''[as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do]'' The human mouth is called a &quot;pie hole&quot;. The human ''being'' is called a &quot;couch potato&quot;. ''[signifies a telephone]'' That is a device to summon food. ''[signifies the doorbell; a woman running and into a door]'' That is one of the many voices of food. ''[signifies the front door; a deliverer carrying pizza box with a woman]'' That is the portal for the passing of food. ''[signifies a motorcycle]'' That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive the food, they ''wear'' the food! ''[signifies the grill]'' That gets the food hot! ''[signifies the cooler]'' That keeps the food cold! ''[signifies &quot;turtle piñata&quot;...with candy inside it]'' That...I'm not sure what that is. ''[kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells in horror]'' Well, what do you know?! ''Food!'' ''[signifies table where family prays before dinner]'' That is the altar where they worship food. ''[signifies advert for Seltzer]'' That's what they eat when they've too much food. ''[signifies treadmill]'' That gets rid of the guilt so they can eat more food! Food, food, food, food! '''''FOOD!''''' So, you think they have enough? ''[everybody nods]'' Well, they don't. For humans, enough is ''never'' enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming, silver cans just for us. ''[opens the trash cans and knocks them over]'' Dig in! ''[the animals laugh and cheer while running into the garbage]'' Hmm? Good, ain't it?

* ...And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners and Smackeroons! And guess what?! They're all yours! ''[Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him]'' Whoa, Hamilton! Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them.

==Verne==
* ''[eats the bark; with mouthful]'' Okay. This is great. ''[eats the bark again, starts chewing and crunching]'' ''[mouthful]'' Granted, it takes some time to chew. But that... ''[swallows it]'' That was very satisfying. And, by the way, lots of fiber in there too. Mmm! ''[eats the bark, chewing]'' Lots.

* You know, R.J. Uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would've given it to you.

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines, RJ is trying to get a snack from the snack machine and it breaks]''
:'''R.J.''': No! Come on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': RJ? The moon's not full yet. You woke me up a week early? ''[notices R.J. has his food]'' Oh no. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to come up here and steal my stuff. RJ. I'm gonna have to kill you.
:'''R.J.''': Please, I'm just a desperate guy trying to feed his family.
:'''Vincent''': You don't have a family
:'''R.J.''': I meant a family of one.
:''[Advances on RJ]''
:'''R.J.''': Ok, wait, wait wait, wait! Look, it's still in the cave, so technically, not stolen!
:''[Accidentally bumps into the wagon, sending it down the hill]''
:'''Vincent''': Oh no. No! NO!
:'''Vincent and R.J.''': Sl-Slow!
:'''R.J.''' (groaning): Stop!
:''[The wagon stops, RJ and Vincent chuckle nervously at each other until a truck destroys the wagon and food]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penny''': ''[referring to the hedge]'' I'd be a lot less afraid if I just knew what it was called. 
:'''Hammy''': Let's call it Steve!
:'''Verne''': Steve?
:'''Hammy''': It's a pretty name.
:'''Heather''': Steve sounds nice.
:'''Penny''': I'm a lot less scared of Steve.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[kneeling before the hedge]'' Oh, great and powerful Steve...what do you want?!
:'''Verne''': I-I don't think it can speak.
:'''Debbie''': ''[barely audible]'' I heard that, young man! ''[everybody screams, Ozzie faints]'' You get over here right now!
:'''Hammy''': Okay.
:'''Verne''': Hammy, get back here.
:'''Hammy''': But Steve is angry.
:'''Verne''': I think it came from the other side of Steve - I mean, the bush. I mean... Geez!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[as he enters]'' I gotta admit, that does look tasty.
:'''Verne''': ''[spits out his bark]'' What are you doing here?
:'''R.J.''': I'm here to help you with your...foraging thing. ''[Verne still looks at him]'' Look, Verne, you said a word yesterday about your little gang here. It starts with an F, do you remember what it was?
:'''Verne''': ''[confused]'' Family?
:'''R.J.''': Right, right, that. You know, that got me right here. You see, Verne, I used to have all of that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But then all that went away with...the weed hacker incident. ''[starts breaking down]'' Oh, God.
:'''Hammy''': Oh, come here! ''[runs to hug R.J., who pats him on the head]''
:'''Lou''': Yeah, that feels good, doesn't it?
:'''Verne''': Oh, brother.
:'''Penny''': We could always use the extra hand there, you know.
:'''Hammy''': The weed hacker, Verne. The weed hacker.
:'''R.J.''': ''[gently pushes Hammy away]'' Okay. Not your problem. I'll just go. ''[turns to leave sadly]'' This is me...going. Really nice getting to know you. Hey, I'm sure I'll see you around the forest. Take care.
:''[Bucky hits Spike]''
:'''Penny''': Don't hit.
:''[Ozzie poses dramatically while Heather rolls her eyes]''
:'''Hammy''': ''[breaks down]'' Oh...
:'''Verne''': ''[gives in]'' All right, all right. Hey, uh, RJ? ''[RJ stops]'' You can...You can stay.
:'''RJ''': WOO-HOO! ''[joyfully hugs Verne]'' Come here, ya big lug! I knew beneath this hard, crispy outside there was a soft, nougat-y center in there. ''[gives Verne a knucklehead down his shell]'' Do you mind if I call you Uncle Verne?
:'''Verne''': ''[sternly]'' With every bone in my body.
:'''RJ''': Great. Hey, can I work with Hammy? ''[walks with Hammy]''
:'''Hammy''': Wanna help me find my nuts?
:'''R.J.''': Very tempting, Hammy. Very tempting, but first, I wanna show you...this! ''[shows Hammy a cookie]'' You like this cookie?
:'''Hammy''': Oh, ho, ho!
:'''R.J.''': Well, this cookie's junk! ''[throws the cookie out]''
:'''Hammy''': ''[mournfully]'' But I like a cookie.
:'''R.J.''': Easy, easy, don't worry. I know where to find cookies so great, they'll hand delivered by personal owners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hammy''': But you just said they're mine!
:'''R.J.''': They will be, ''if'' we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid?
:'''Hammy''': I-I-I-I-I-I-
:'''R.J.''': The 'ayes' have it. Let's ride.
ː'''Shelby'''ː I thought Mrs Johansson was to allergic to chocolate.
ː'''Mackenzie'''ːReally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Now listen up. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?
:'''Hammy''': ''[raises hand]'' Um, excuse me.
:'''R.J.''': Yes...Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': Rabbits aren't vicious, they're all cute and cuddly, so...
:'''R.J.''': Rabi-d, not rabbi-t.
:'''Hammy''': Oh... ''[confused]'' What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Verne''': ''[picks up the blue cooler]'' You're dangerous! You're insane!
:'''Ozzie''': Sweet mother, I'm going HOME! ''[coughs]'' '''''Goodbye'', cruel world!''' ''[notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk]'' OHH! OHH! ''[whispers]'' Rosebud. ''[groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]''
:'''Skeeter''': Now can I poke him?
:'''Debbie''': No!
:'''Gladys''': You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dwayne''': I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
:'''Gladys''': Where have you been? I am throwing a Welcome to the Neighborhood party tomorrow, and so far, Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
:'''Dwayne''': Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there won't be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
:'''Verne''': ''[whispers to R.J.]'' Leave it. Leave it!
:'''Dwayne''': Now, what do we have here? ''[inhales]'' [[W:Virginia opossum|Didelphis marsupialis virginianus]]. Approximately ten pounds. ''[inhales]'' Male.
:'''Debbie''': I think he's dead.
:'''Dwayne''': Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The animals, except Verne, shows R.J. a surprise; his new home]''
:'''Stella''': Check it out. ''[R.J. looks around at some random objects of his new home]'' Your new home!
:'''Hammy''': ''[gestures at the baby car seat]'' And look, we got a place for you right here!
:'''R.J.''': That's for me?
:'''Lou''': Yeah, is this anything like what you had, RJ? 
:'''R.J.''': This isn't anything like what I had, Lou. 
:'''Hammy''': ''[hands RJ a can of caffeine]'' Here, I'm not supposed to drink this.
:'''R.J.''': Thanks. ''[to Heather, who sits on RJ's bag]'' Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Is that my bag?
:'''Heather''': Yeah, we brought it in here so you wouldn't have to sleep in that old tree.
:'''R.J.''': Really? Wow. 
:'''Bucky''': Hey, RJ, check this out! We totally hooked up the TV.
:'''Quillo''': I hot-wired the HD converter.
:'''Spike''': We get like 1,000 channels!
:'''Heather''': Here, can you take the remote before my dad does? 
:'''R.J.''': Wow. A universal remote? This is nice, guys. Really nice. ''[turns on the TV]''
:'''TV Announcer''': And now, we return to &quot;A Scoundrel Among Us&quot;.
:'''Woman''': You should be ashamed of yourself! We let you into our family, and you deceived us!
:''[R.J. changes the channel]''
:'''Man''': I gave you my heart, and then you ripped it into a milion pieces!
:''[R.J. changes the channel again]''
:'''Dr. Dennis''': Get real, Kevin. Because when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag, right? So just say it out loud: &quot;I am a dirtbag.&quot;
:'''Lou''': &quot;Dirtbag&quot;? I don't think that guy's a real doctor. What've you think there, R.J.? ''[notices R.J. has gone]'' R.J.?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[devastated]'' No...! ''[covers his mouth]'' No...!
:'''Lou''': Verne, are you alright there!? Gimme a hand, Oz.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, sure, sure.
:'''Penny''': What the heck happened?
:'''R.J.''':  The food! It's gone! '''''GOOOOOOOONE!'''''
:'''Heather''': What?! Gone?!
:'''Stella''': How's it gone?!
:'''R.J.''': Ask...''HIM!'' ''[points at Verne]''
:'''Penny''': Verne?
:'''Verne''': ''[annoyed and resigned]'' I returned it to its rightful owners.
:'''Lou and Ozzie''': '''''WHAT?!''''' ''[they drop Verne]''
:'''Heather''': We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally...you know! And you're...you're all whatever!
:'''Ozzie''': Yeah, Verne, What were you thinking?! The log was full!
:'''Verne''': Full of ''junk.''
:''[Ozzie is appalled as are the others]''
:'''Lou''': Oh, so what're ya saying there? That the food we gathered ''our'' way isn't as good as the food we gathered ''your'' way? ''[he and Ozzie walk away]''
:'''Verne''': ''Your'' way? ''[referring to R.J.]'' You mean ''his way''. Can't you see RJ's just using you?
:'''Penny''': ''[gasps]'' Verne! Shame on you! R.J. wouldn't do that!
:'''Verne''': You've gotta trust me on this! Don't you understand that there is something wrong with this guy? My tail tingles every time I get near him!
:'''Stella''': Oh, so we're supposed to go all hungry 'cause your butt's vibratin'? I'm startin' to think that tingle of yours is just you bein' jealous!
:'''Verne''': Jealous? Of ''him?!''
:'''Lou''': Yeah! He's embracing the future there, and now you're just holding us back!
:'''Verne''': ''[talks back to Lou]'' Oh, I hold you back all right; from ''extinction!'' ''[turns to R.J.]'' Do you see what you've done here? If they listen to half the stuff you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week! You are only interested in taking of them '''''because they are too stupid and naive to know any better!'''''
:'''Hammy''': ''[having heard what Verne said, he was heartbroken]'' I'm not stupid.
:'''Verne''': ''[turns to the animals, who are shocked and appalled]'' Okay, I didn't mean, um...I mean ignorant. To the ways over-over there. C'mon, you guys. You know I didn't mean it like that. ''[the animals start to walk away]'' Don't-Don't do this. Stella? Ozzie? ''[turns to Hammy]'' Hammy, you know I didn't... ''[Hammy pushes his hand away]'' Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': I'm not stupid. ''[walks away]''
:'''Verne''': ''[shocked]'' Please.
:''[Hammy takes R.J.'s hand and R.J. shakes his head at Verne. as Verne witnessed that, he sighs with grief and sadly begins to walk the other direction]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gladys''': ''[after installing a lot of traps]'' What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
:'''Dwayne''': That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, ''[with his hand over his heart]'' except Texas.
:'''Gladys''': I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
:'''Dwayne''': I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you. ''[as he tosses a stuffed bear in it]'' Adios, animal infestation.
:'''R.J.''': ''[horrified at the sight before him]'' AHHHHH!!!
:''[We see it in a cage, with outside burned off]''
:'''Gladys''': Oh my. ''[chuckles, impressed]''
:''[R.J. sits on the root, looks up at the full moon, pulls out the list, and sadly crumpled it up]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[to himself]'' What have I done?
:'''Verne''': I shouldn't have taken all that.
:'''R.J.''': What?
:'''Verne''': I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious, 'cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand. You're, like, cool and crazy and fearless. ''[sits down next to R.J.]'' I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
:'''R.J.''': ''[sighs]'' Verne, believe me. You should not be jealous of me. You...You got a good thing here. You're just trying to do what's best for your family.
:'''Verne''': And I think ''you're'' what's best for them now.
:'''R.J.''': What about your tail?
:'''Verne''': Eh...My head says &quot;listen to my tail,&quot; and my tail says &quot;just listen to my head,&quot; and I just...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now.
:'''R.J.''': You don't really know what's going on here.
:'''Verne''': And you do! So...what's the problem?
:'''R.J.''': ''[hands Verne his crumpled-up list]'' This, Verne, is the problem. You see this? ''[hears the sound of a vehicle backing up]''
:'''Verne''': I'm listening.
:'''R.J.''': Just...
:'''Verne''': Uh-huh?
:'''R.J.''': Just hang on a second.
:'''Verne''': Alright.
:''[R.J. climbs up a tree to see Gladys having food delivered to her house]''
:'''Delivery Man''': Hey, uh, you the lady throwing the party?
:'''Gladys''': Yes. Just to the right. There are protected booties to put on over your shoes.
:'''R.J.''': ''[sees a container of Spuddies in one of the boxes]'' Yes! Yes!
:'''Verne''': ''[appears behind R.J. with the list]'' Um, uh, what is this?
:'''R.J.''': What? Oh. That... 
:'''Verne''': Mmm-hmm?
:'''R.J.''': ...is a...list...
:'''Verne''': Of?
:'''R.J.''': ...of all the stuff that you've lost, Verne.
:'''Verne''': Really?
:'''R.J.''': Well, it's a big, long list. You can see that.
:'''Verne''': Well, you're an organized little guy, aren't ya? Nice job.
:'''R.J.''': But, you know what? I know place that's so chockful of food, ''[takes the list from Verne]'' we can get it all back in one night.
:'''Verne''': Great. Let's go. Where is it?
:'''R.J.''': Inside that house.
:'''Verne''': ''[leans over to get a view]'' What? ''[falls off the branch]''
:'''R.J.''': Verne! ''[tries to catch Verne, but only grabs his shell; examines it]'' What is the point of this thing?
:'''Verne''': ''[from below; offscreen]'' Just send it down.
:''[Scene switches to R.J. talking to the other animals about Verne]''
:'''R.J.''': What Verne's trying to say is...I mean, it's hard to really sum it all in just one word...
:'''Verne''': ''[quietly stops R.J., to the animals]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Hammy''': Aww, come here!
:''[The animals all huddle up for a big group hug]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[getting out Monopoly game pieces]'' Okay, this is us. 
:'''Hammy''': Can I be the car?
:'''Bucky''': ''I'' wanna be the car! 
:'''Spike''': ''I'm'' the car! You be the ''shoe.''
:'''Bucky''': Shoe is ''lame''.
:'''Lou''': Why don't you be that snazzy lookin' iron there?
:'''R.J.''': Hey, it's not important! Besides, ''I'm'' the car! I'm ''always'' the car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Alright, gorgeous, you're on. ''[pushes Stella out of the bushes]''
:'''Stella''': ''[to herself]'' Man, this better be one stupid cat.
:'''R.J.''': Audio, go!
:''[The animals activate a Fisher Price barnyard animal toy, but makes a cow noise instead of a cat noise]''
:'''Verne''': She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes the cow. Let's hope the cat likes the cow.
:'''Tiger''': ''[busts out of his pet door]'' Who goes there?!
:'''R.J.''': ''[to Stella]'' You're a cat! You're a cat!
:'''Stella''': ''[to Tiger]'' You're a cat! ''[R.J. facepalms]'' I mean, ''I'm'' a cat. Uh, meow!
:'''Tiger''': Yeah. Right. Shoo. Scurry off! Go on! Get away from here! My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
:'''Stella''': Common strays? Alright, you asked for it! ''[gets ready to spray Tiger]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[whispers]'' Get the collar!
:'''Stella''': Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
:'''Tiger''': No, no, no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods! ''[sneezes into his arm and wipes it onto his face]'' Away with your filth!
:'''Stella''': My filth? ''[the animals gasp]'' '''My filth?!'''
:'''Penny''': Oh, jeepers, here we go!
:'''Stella''': Okay, that's it! I am ''so'' sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think ''I'm'' filthy! Well, I've got news for you, I didn't get all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me! I got makeup on my ''butt'', dude, and you don't even want to ''know'' about the cork!
:'''Tiger''': Stop! No one has ''ever'' spoken to me like that! ''[the animals gasp; Stella startled]'' It is bold. I like it.
:''[R.J. and Verne smile at each other, and Stella is shown surprised]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Spike''': ''[turns the THX Logo on]'' Uh-oh!
:'''Tiger''': What was that?
:'''Stella''': It...That's just the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it?
:'''Spike''': &lt;big&gt;'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'''!''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Quillo''': This way, this way! ''[he and Bucky switches the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over from the loud logo]''
:'''R.J.''': Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!
:'''Penny''': There you go. ''[Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather]''
:'''Heather''': ''[to Verne]'' Here, catch!
:''[Verne catches the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off of a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box]''
:'''Lou''': ''[tries to hold a plate with strawberry gelatin]'' Oh, boy. ''[drops the plate, gasps]''
:''[Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy was still catching food sliding or rolling down the transparent sheet]''
:'''R.J.''': Yes! We're gonna make it.
:'''Tiger''': My father... he had an exceptionally flat face. It was ''so'' beautiful, he could barely breathe!
:'''Stella''': Fascinating!
:''[The mountain of food in the wagon has grown in the morning]''
:'''Tiger''': ...Inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. Come, I'll show you!
:'''Stella''': NO, no! I-I-I haven't told you about my life.
:'''R.J.''': Good, good! Going great, going great! ''[a coffee machine beeps]''
:'''Verne''': ''[pointing to the coffee machine]'' What is ''that''?
:'''R.J.''': ''That'' is what gets the humans out of bed in the morning. ''[he and Verne turn to the TV where Gladys is gone]''
:'''R.J. and Verne''': AAAAAH!
:'''Quillo''': Where'd she go? ''[Gladys comes down the stairs]''
:'''Verne''': Get down and stay down!
:''[Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, and the rest of the animals run behind the counter. Gladys yawns]''
:'''Verne''': Move, move!
:''[Gladys pours the coffee into a cup. The animals, including R.J., scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens up the cabinet and pulls out a box... with a can of Spuddies behind]''
:'''Verne''': Come on, we've gotta go before she comes back.
:'''R.J.''': No, not without those Spuddies!
:'''Verne''': What?
:'''R.J.''': Lou, Penny? Back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!
:'''Heather''': I'm on it, RJ.
:'''Ozzie''': No, Heather, wait! ''[runs after Heather]''
:'''Verne''': ''[begins to feel his tail tingle again]'' The tingle, the tingle. RJ, the wagon's full! Let's get out of here!
:'''R.J.''': Hang on, Vincent! This will only take a second!
:'''Verne''': 'Vincent'?
:'''R.J.''': '''WHERE?!?'''
:'''Verne''': Who's Vincent?
:'''R.J.''': Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear. TONGUE! Uh, erm... ''Just bear with me'' is what I... meant to say. There's no bear!
:''[R.J. climbs on the bottle rack to get to the Spuddies. Meanwhile, Heather is trying to distract Gladys by copying Ozzie]''
:'''Gladys''': Hmm? Oh!
:'''Heather''': Lights fading, limbs growing co...
:''[Gladys kicks down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror]''
:'''Ozzie''': Heather?
:''[As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body]''
:'''Ozzie''': Oh, Heather...
:'''Gladys''': ''[Meanwhile, she's talking to the Verminator on the phone]'' There's a dead white rat on my staircase!
:''[Heather's eyes suddenly opened. It turned out she was playing dead]''
:'''Ozzie''': I thought you were dead.
:'''Heather''': I learned from the best, Dad.
:'''Ozzie''': That's my girl.
:'''R.J.''': ''[struggles to retrieve Gladys' Spuddies from the cabinet]'' Come...to Papa.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[returns to the animals with Heather]'' We better hurry. We don't have much time.
:'''Verne''': ''[tries to stop R.J. by grabbing his tail]'' What's going on up there, RJ?
:'''R.J.''': Nothing!
:'''Verne''': Well then, let's get out of here, because we have what we need!
:'''R.J.''': No, we don't!
:'''Verne''': What are you talking about? ''[pulls on RJ's tail]'' We have more than enough!
:'''R.J.''': ''[snaps]'' Hey! Listen, I've got about ''this long'' to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear! ''[the other animals gasp at R.J.'s confession]'' And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now let go of my tail!
:'''Verne''': ''[horrified]'' What...?
:'''R.J.''': ''[growling, angrily kicks Verne's arm off]'' Let '''''GO!'''''
:''[As RJ grabs the Spuddies, Verne and RJ began to falls down makes the objects crashed letting Stella and Gladys hear them]''
:'''Stella''':  Huh? Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiger''': Stella?! Stella, where are you going?! '''''STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Gladys runs into the kitchen and screams with the animals are inside and runs away as Stella returns to the kitchen as he follows her]'' Stella!
:'''Stella''':  Look, it's not you! It won't work, okay? Because I'm a... ''[Gladys sees her]'' Uh...
:'''Gladys''': ''[screams; lifts her leg]'' '''''SKUNK!'''''
:'''Stella''': Yeah, that. ''[Gladys runs screaming]'' Sorry you have to see this. Fire in the hole!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Bucky''': What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
:'''Penny''': I...I don't know, baby.
:'''Heather''': ''[clutches her arms around Ozzie while locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination]'' I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
:'''Ozzie''': There, there, sweetheart. We'll be okay.
:''[Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared]''
:'''Lou''': ''[referring to R.J.]'' You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry back there.
:'''Verne''': No. ''[sits down]'' I knew we wouldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should have known better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Wow.
:'''R.J.''': Vincent?
:'''Vincent''': So, I was just on my way down here to kill you, but I stopped to watch the show and I gotta say... ''[gives R.J. his binoculars and shows Verne and his family being taken away by Dwayne]'' that right there is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. ''[chuckles]'' Classic, R.J. You take the food and they take the fall. You keep this up, you're gonna end up just like me, having everything you ever wanted.
:'''R.J.''': But I already had that.
:'''Vincent''': What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So, a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough, that's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
:'''R.J.''': Actually...I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this! ''[takes the wagon with all the food]''
:'''Vincent''': ''[enraged]'' '''''RJ!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Verne''': ''[beneath the window]'' Bear!
:'''R.J.''': What's that?
:'''Verne''': Bear!
:'''R.J.''': Hair?
:'''Verne''': Bear!
:'''R.J.''': Dare?
:'''Verne''': ''Bear!''
:'''R.J.''': ''[looks back at Vincent]'' Oh! '''''BEAR!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Thank you! Yes, Yes! Hey! Let me in, let me in!
:'''Ozzie''': No! Ring-tailed charlatan!
:'''R.J.''': Ozzie!
:'''Verne''': He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!
:'''Stella''': After what he did to us?!
:'''Verne''': But he came back.
:''[Vincent's roar is heard]''
:'''Lou''': And he brought a bear!
:'''Spike''': ''[while driving the van, the others are arguing]'' Hey, no fighting while we're driving!
:'''Quillo''': We will turn this van around, mister!
:''[The animals were shocked and stunned]''
:'''Lou''': ''[points at Verne]'' He started it.
:'''Verne''': I'm telling he's trying to help us, really.
:'''Ozzie''': But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail. 
:'''Verne''': But it's not tingling. 
:'''All''': Ohhh!
:'''Stella''': Why didn't you say so? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gladys''': That's the-
:'''Dwayne''': The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging! Oh, no! No, no! No, no! Ogh!
:''[Shouting. Shouting continues. Popcorn pops. Clanging. They all moan]''
:'''All''': Whoo-hoo!
:'''Heather''': Yeah!
:'''Stella''': We did it!
:'''All''': Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
:'''Stella''': Nice teamwork.
:'''R.J.''': Come here, Hammy. Come here. You are a genius, my boy.
:'''Hammy''': Oh, thank ''[burping]'' you!
:'''Verne''': Eegh!
:'''R.J.''': And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
:'''Verne''': Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vincent groans]''
:'''Ranger''': ''[carrying Vincent away]'' Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.
:'''Police Officer''': Now you do realise it was a Depelter Turbo.
:'''Gladys''': Officer, please! That was the Verminator! It sold it to me! That has nothing to do with me!
:'''Police Officer''': Hey, hey! It was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so tell it to the judge!
:'''Gladys''': '''NO!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! LET GO OF ME!!'''
:'''Police Officer''': Ma'am!
:'''Gladys''': '''I CAN'T BE ARRESTED!!'''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me.
:'''Gladys''': ''[yelling]'' '''''I'M PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION!!''''' ''[kicking the police officer]''
:'''Cop''': Aw! Take her down! Oh!
:'''Dwayne''': She's getting away! ''[quietly as she is fights the police]'' Get her! ''[sneaks away]''
:'''Gladys''': ''[barely audible]'' Stop that! My shoes!
:'''Police Officer''': Ma'am.
:'''Gladys''': ''[his last words]'' Hyah!
:'''Police Officer''': ''[faintly]'' Hey, can I get a little help over here? ''[as Dwayne climbs over a fence]'' Somebody get a hold of her legs!
:'''Dwayne''': Okay. Uh! Oh!
:''[Dwayne then accidentally steps on a squeak toy offscreen]'' 
:'''Nugent''': ''[offscreen]'' Play?
:'''Dwayne''': ''[his last words; offscreen]'' Oh, no. No, no! No, no! ''[a bite was heard, resulting him to scream in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Animals''': Yay!
:'''Heather''': High five, Hammy!
:'''Hammy''': Yes!
:'''Animals''': It worked! It worked! We did it! We did it! Whoo! Alright.
:'''Stella''': Oh, yes!
:'''Tiger''': Stella! Stella!
:'''Stella''': Over here, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': Oh, Stella! Ah, so this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
:'''Stella''': Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
:'''Verne''': You know, RJ, uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would have given it to you.
:'''R.J.''': Really?
:'''Verne''': Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
:'''R.J.''': I never really had anything like that.
:'''Verne''': I know, but believe me, this...This is the gateway to the good life.
:'''R.J.''': Really wish you've told me that sooner.
:'''Verne''': Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say? Wanna be part of it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During the credits, When &quot;Rocking the Suburbs&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''R.J.''': That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion, and they call it...a TV.
:'''Quillo''': Wicked cool!
:'''R.J.''': Humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them. 
:'''Lou''': That is super-duper.
:'''R.J.''': They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts, watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time. 
:'''Stella''': Wow. Interesting. 
:'''Penny''': Come on, kids! Family time there, in front of the TV! Got your snack food?
:'''Hammy''': Buy a vowel! BUY A VOWEL! Buy a &quot;Y&quot;, Please buy a &quot;Y&quot;!
:'''Ozzie''': I can't find the remote.
:'''Lou''': Hey, Spikey, Race Ya!
:'''Ozzie''': Has anybody seen the remote?
:'''Heather''': Dad, chill. 
:'''Stella''': I could do a little TV. Today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien. 
:'''Hammy''': Just Like Khan in [[Star Trek II]]! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention and redo all the life!
:'''Verne:''': Well, that was specific.
:'''Hammy''': I saw it on TNT, a retrospective. 
:'''Heather''': Gummy Worm, anybody?
:'''R.J.''': Let me have one.
:'''Stella''': Bucky, pass this to Lou. 
:'''Lou''': Taste this.
:'''Spike''': Don't you take that. 
:'''Verne''': This is the perfect food.
:'''R.J.''': Fat-free cookies? Might as well just be eating dirt.
:'''Hammy''': I've had dirt, I don't like dirt, it tastes like dirt!
:'''Heather''': Shh! The Show is starting! 
:''[The last part of &quot;Rocking the Suburbs&quot; by Ben Folds continues on the credits]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines, after the end credits, R.J. is fixing the vending machine]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[in a post-credit scene]'' Wait! Hang on a minute. ''[all the chip bags fall down and everyone laughs and cheers]'' Yes, here we go! ''[as he tries to get all the chips out, the lid is stuck, and the machine doesn't budge]''
:'''Hammy''': Kinda anticlimactic.
:'''R.J.''': Shoot!

==Taglines==
* From the creators of [[Shrek]] and [[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]].
* Get over it.
* Taking back the neighborhood one snack at a time.
* Ring Leader (RJ tagline)
* Shell Shocked (Verne tagline)
* Nuts! (Hammy tagline)
* Master Blaster. (Stella tagline)

==Voice cast==
===Main cast===
* '''[[Bruce Willis]]''' — R.J.
* '''[[w:Garry Shandling|Garry Shandling]]''' — Verne
* '''[[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]]''' — Hammy
* '''[[w:Wanda Sykes|Wanda Sykes]]''' — Stella
* '''[[William Shatner|Bill Shatner]]''' — Ozzie
* '''[[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]''' — Vincent
* '''[[w:Thomas Haden Church|Thomas Haden Church]]''' — Dwayne
* '''[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]]''' — Gladys
* '''[[w:Eugene Levy|Eugene Levy]]''' — Lou
* '''[[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]]''' — Penny
* '''[[Avril Lavigne]]''' — Heather
* '''[[Omid Djalili]]''' — Tiger
* '''Sami Kirkpatrick''' — Bucky
* '''[[w:Shane Baumel|Shane Baumel]]''' — Spike
* '''[[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]]''' — Quillo
* '''Zoe Randol''' — Mackenzie
* '''[[w:Jessica DiCicco|Jessica DiCicco]]''' — Shelby
* '''[[w:Debra Wilson|Debra Wilson]]''' — Debbie
* '''Sean Bishop''' — Police Officer
* '''Jeannie Elias''' — Janis
* '''Kejon Keese''' — Timmy
* '''[[w:Paul Butcher (actor)|Paul Butcher]]''' — Skeeter
* '''[[w:Sean Yazbeck|Sean Yazbeck]]''' — BBQ Barry (''[[The Apprentice (British TV series)|The Apprentice]]'')
* '''Geoffrey Pomeroy''' — Ranger
* '''Joel McCrary''' — Dr. Dennis
* '''Lee Bienstock''' — Lunch Table Larry (''[[The Apprentice (British TV series)|The Apprentice]]'')
* '''[[w:Brian Stepanek|Brian Stepanek]]''' — Nugent the Dog

===Deleted scenes===
* '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — Princess Fiona
* '''[[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]]''' — Puss in Boots
* '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread Man
* '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — Donkey
* '''[[Mike Myers]]''' — Shrek
* '''[[Julie Andrews]]''' — Queen Lillian
* '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Wolf
* '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio
* '''[[Tom Hanks]]''' — Woody

==Theatrical Trailers==
===Teaser Trailer (Work In Progress)===
:'''Hammy''': Psst. Hey, Steve.
:'''Steve Carell''': Hi. I'm Steve Carell.
:'''Hammy''': Steve.
:'''Carell''': Hammy, not now. I'm about to tell the people about our new movie.
:'''Hammy''': One little nut. I'll be your best friend. Please?
:'''Carell''': OK, here we go. Go.
:'''Hammy''': Yahoo!
:'''Carell''': Take it, mooch. I'm here to talk about DreamWorks Animation's new movie called ''Over the Hedge''. We have scenes to share with you in various stages of animation. &quot;Over the Hedge.&quot; It's about a bunch of woodland creatures who wake up from five months of winter hibernation to discover a giant hedge running right through the middle of their forest.
:'''Ozzie''': No. 
:'''Carell''': And on the other side of it, a hundred brand-new homes. Now, they totally freak out worrying about how they'll survive when along comes R.J. Now, R.J. is this super-cool raccoon and he is played by none other than the big action star Bruce Willis. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Bruce has been in the studio all week recording some very funny lines that, well, why don't I let him explain? Bruce, bet you're really excited.
:'''Bruce Willis''': Hey, I'm excited. I'm very excited, OK? My voice is coming out of a furry computer-generated raccoon.
:'''R.J.''': You, my friend, are a natural.
:'''Willis''': So here's how this whole thing works: I say a funny line in here, like this. &quot;Now listen, champ. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel.&quot; Then the directors take it over to the sketch artists. And then they take it to the animation wizards. And it comes out just like this.
:'''R.J.''': What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?
:'''Willis''': It's pretty cool, right?
:'''Carell''': That's Bruce Willis. I was talking to Bruce Willis. Wow. OK, then there's Verne.
:'''Verne''': We want nothing to do with anything that's over that hedge!
:'''Carell''': Voiced by Garry Shandling. Verne's the leader of all the animals in the forest. Now, everyone likes Verne, but he's a little cautious, a little slow. So everyone's just starting to adjust to life in the suburbs when suddenly, RJ gets his big idea. RJ sees a treasure of goodies to be had from his unsuspecting new neighbors and convinces his reluctant pals to join him on his mission. Clearly, the guy has seen too many spy movies. Lucky for him, he's got a lot of animal friends in this movie. Like Stella the skunk, played by the always funny Wanda Sykes.
:'''Wanda Sykes/Stella''': Why did you let him sneak up on me like that, Verne? I was this close.
:'''Carell''': And Ozzie the possum, played by William Shatner. I play an opossum.
:'''Ozzie''': Must move toward the light.
:'''Carell''': And there's Ozzie's teenage daughter played by Avril Lavigne. Penny and Lou are played by the wonderfully funny Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. They have their hands full with porcupine triplets.
:'''Lou''': Shape up, there.
:'''Carell''': And the irrepressible squirrel Hammy is played by none other than me.
:'''Carell/Hammy''': Dig a hole, bury it, take it out, bury it somewhere else. Forget where it is.
:'''Carell''': I am adorable. Well, that's all we're gonna tell you right now 'cause we're saving up a whole bunch of surprises. So, from the whole gang... 
:'''Hammy''': Excuse me.
:'''Carell''': and Hammy, we'll see you...
:'''Carell/Hammy''': Over the hedge.
:'''Hammy''': Right?
:'''Carell''': Anything else from you, Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': Oh, I can burp my ABC's. A, B, C...
:'''Carell''': Well, like I was saying, from me and Hammy and all the other guys, we'll see you over the hedge.
:'''Announcer''': ''Over the Hedge''. It may be your backyard, but it's their world.
:'''Hammy''': ...Y, Z.
:''[Summer 2006]''

===Theatrical Trailer #1===
:'''Verne''': Half the forest is gone.
:'''Announcer''': Their land has been developed.
:'''Verne''': These humans don't want us around!
:'''R.J.''': Run!
:'''Verne''': No!
:'''Announcer''': Their survival is at stake.
:'''Stella''': What will we do for food?
:'''R.J.''': That's easy. I know where the food is. Right over that hedge.
:'''Announcer''': And the most important decision they'll have to make
:'''Verne''': We want nothing to do with anything that's over that hedge!
:'''Announcer''': is who to follow.
:'''Hammy''': I, I, I, I, I, I...
:'''R.J.''': I have it. Let's ride. Welcome to paradise. 
:'''All''': Wow.
:'''Announcer''': So he can do a couple of tricks. It's not like he can walk on water.
:'''R.J.''': Hey, everybody.
:''[&quot;Wild Wild Life&quot; by [[Talking Heads]] playing]''
:'''Announcer''': Bruce Willis.
:'''R.J.''': That is an SUV.
:'''Penny''':  It's so big.
:'''Lou''': How many humans fit in there?
:'''R.J.''': Usually one.
:'''Announcer''': Garry Shandling.
:'''Verne''': Hey there, little fella.
:'''R.J.''': Stop it. Fluffier. Liking that a lot. Done!
:'''Announcer''': Steve Carell.
:'''Hammy''': I am a crazy rabid squirrel.
:'''Girl Scouts''': Rabies!
:'''R.J.''': Behind you!
:'''Announcer''': William Shatner.
:'''Ozzie''': Playing possum is what we do. Rosebud.
:'''Skeeter''': Can I poke him? 
:'''Debbie''': No!
:'''Announcer''': And Wanda Sykes.
:'''Stella''': Fire in the hole!
:'''Gladys''': Skunk!
:'''Verne''': Thank you, Stella.
:'''Stella''': Oh, I can clear a room.
:'''Announcer''': This summer...
:'''Hammy''': Want me to show you what I do with my nuts?
:'''R.J.''': Very tempting, Hammy. Very tempting.
:'''Announcer''': ...from DreamWorks, the creators of ''[[Shrek]]'' and ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''.
:'''Verne''': I'm putting my foot down.
:'''R.J.''': No, no.
:'''Nugent''': Play?
:'''Verne''': Oh, boy.
:'''R.J.''': Woah!
:'''Announcer''': ''Over the Hedge''.
:'''Verne''': You're the devil.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Over the Hedge (film)}}
*{{imdb title|id=0327084|title=Over the Hedge}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Heist films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on comics]]
[[Category:Films about raccoons]]
[[Category:Films about turtles]]
[[Category:Animated films about squirrels]]
[[Category:Films about skunks]]
[[Category:Animated films about cats]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Films set in Indiana]]
[[Category:Films directed by Tim Johnson]]
[[Category:Films directed by Karey Kirkpatrick]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about consumerism]]</text>
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      <text bytes="40870" sha1="ezghcxy279sidhxgvg8d2ly1rdb4lp3" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Over the Hedge (film)|Over the Hedge]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] film based on the [[w:United Media|United Media]] [[w:Over the Hedge|comic strip of the same name]]. It follows a raccoon who cons a group of woodland animals to help him pay a debt to a homicidal bear.
:''Directed by [[w:Tim Johnson (film director)|Tim Johnson]] and [[w:Karey Kirkpatrick|Karey Kirkpatrick]]. Written by [[w:Len Blum|Len Blum]], Lorne Cameron, [[w:David Hoselton|David Hoselton]] and Karey Kirkpatrick.
{{center|'''Get over it.''' &lt;small&gt;([[Over the Hedge (film)#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==R.J.==
* Didn't you see it? It was in a box. They always got food with them. We ''eat to live'', these guys ''live to... eat''! Let me show you what I'm talking about. ''[as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do]'' The human mouth is called a &quot;pie hole&quot;. The human ''being'' is called a &quot;couch potato&quot;. ''[signifies a telephone]'' That is a device to summon food. ''[signifies the doorbell; a woman running and into a door]'' That is one of the many voices of food. ''[signifies the front door; a deliverer carrying pizza box with a woman]'' That is the portal for the passing of food. ''[signifies a motorcycle]'' That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive the food, they ''wear'' the food! ''[signifies the grill]'' That gets the food hot! ''[signifies the cooler]'' That keeps the food cold! ''[signifies &quot;turtle piñata&quot;...with candy inside it]'' That...I'm not sure what that is. ''[kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells in horror]'' Well, what do you know?! ''Food!'' ''[signifies table where family prays before dinner]'' That is the altar where they worship food. ''[signifies advert for Seltzer]'' That's what they eat when they've too much food. ''[signifies treadmill]'' That gets rid of the guilt so they can eat more food! Food, food, food, food! '''''FOOD!''''' So, you think they have enough? ''[everybody nods]'' Well, they don't. For humans, enough is ''never'' enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming, silver cans just for us. ''[opens the trash cans and knocks them over]'' Dig in! ''[the animals laugh and cheer while running into the garbage]'' Hmm? Good, ain't it?

* ...And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners and Smackeroons! And guess what?! They're all yours! ''[Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him]'' Whoa, Hamilton! Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them.

==Verne==
* ''[eats the bark; with mouthful]'' Okay. This is great. ''[eats the bark again, starts chewing and crunching]'' ''[mouthful]'' Granted, it takes some time to chew. But that... ''[swallows it]'' That was very satisfying. And, by the way, lots of fiber in there too. Mmm! ''[eats the bark, chewing]'' Lots.

* You know, R.J. Uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would've given it to you.

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines, RJ is trying to get a snack from the snack machine and it breaks]''
:'''R.J.''': No! Come on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': RJ? The moon's not full yet. You woke me up a week early? ''[notices R.J. has his food]'' Oh no. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to come up here and steal my stuff. RJ. I'm gonna have to kill you.
:'''R.J.''': Please, I'm just a desperate guy trying to feed his family.
:'''Vincent''': You don't have a family
:'''R.J.''': I meant a family of one.
:''[Advances on RJ]''
:'''R.J.''': Ok, wait, wait wait, wait! Look, it's still in the cave, so technically, not stolen!
:''[Accidentally bumps into the wagon, sending it down the hill]''
:'''Vincent''': Oh no. No! NO!
:'''Vincent and R.J.''': Sl-Slow!
:'''R.J.''' (groaning): Stop!
:''[The wagon stops, RJ and Vincent chuckle nervously at each other until a truck destroys the wagon and food]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penny''': ''[referring to the hedge]'' I'd be a lot less afraid if I just knew what it was called. 
:'''Hammy''': Let's call it Steve!
:'''Verne''': Steve?
:'''Hammy''': It's a pretty name.
:'''Heather''': Steve sounds nice.
:'''Penny''': I'm a lot less scared of Steve.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[kneeling before the hedge]'' Oh, great and powerful Steve...what do you want?!
:'''Verne''': I-I don't think it can speak.
:'''Debbie''': ''[barely audible]'' I heard that, young man! ''[everybody screams, Ozzie faints]'' You get over here right now!
:'''Hammy''': Okay.
:'''Verne''': Hammy, get back here.
:'''Hammy''': But Steve is angry.
:'''Verne''': I think it came from the other side of Steve - I mean, the bush. I mean... Geez!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[as he enters]'' I gotta admit, that does look tasty.
:'''Verne''': ''[spits out his bark]'' What are you doing here?
:'''R.J.''': I'm here to help you with your...foraging thing. ''[Verne still looks at him]'' Look, Verne, you said a word yesterday about your little gang here. It starts with an F, do you remember what it was?
:'''Verne''': ''[confused]'' Family?
:'''R.J.''': Right, right, that. You know, that got me right here. You see, Verne, I used to have all of that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But then all that went away with...the weed hacker incident. ''[starts breaking down]'' Oh, God.
:'''Hammy''': Oh, come here! ''[runs to hug R.J., who pats him on the head]''
:'''Lou''': Yeah, that feels good, doesn't it?
:'''Verne''': Oh, brother.
:'''Penny''': We could always use the extra hand there, you know.
:'''Hammy''': The weed hacker, Verne. The weed hacker.
:'''R.J.''': ''[gently pushes Hammy away]'' Okay. Not your problem. I'll just go. ''[turns to leave sadly]'' This is me...going. Really nice getting to know you. Hey, I'm sure I'll see you around the forest. Take care.
:''[Bucky hits Spike]''
:'''Penny''': Don't hit.
:''[Ozzie poses dramatically while Heather rolls her eyes]''
:'''Hammy''': ''[breaks down]'' Oh...
:'''Verne''': ''[gives in]'' All right, all right. Hey, uh, RJ? ''[RJ stops]'' You can...You can stay.
:'''RJ''': WOO-HOO! ''[joyfully hugs Verne]'' Come here, ya big lug! I knew beneath this hard, crispy outside there was a soft, nougat-y center in there. ''[gives Verne a knucklehead down his shell]'' Do you mind if I call you Uncle Verne?
:'''Verne''': ''[sternly]'' With every bone in my body.
:'''RJ''': Great. Hey, can I work with Hammy? ''[walks with Hammy]''
:'''Hammy''': Wanna help me find my nuts?
:'''R.J.''': Very tempting, Hammy. Very tempting, but first, I wanna show you...this! ''[shows Hammy a cookie]'' You like this cookie?
:'''Hammy''': Oh, ho, ho!
:'''R.J.''': Well, this cookie's junk! ''[throws the cookie out]''
:'''Hammy''': ''[mournfully]'' But I like a cookie.
:'''R.J.''': Easy, easy, don't worry. I know where to find cookies so great, they'll hand delivered by personal owners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hammy''': But you just said they're mine!
:'''R.J.''': They will be, ''if'' we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid?
:'''Hammy''': I-I-I-I-I-I-
:'''R.J.''': The 'ayes' have it. Let's ride.
ː'''Shelby'''ː I thought Mrs Johansson was to allergic to chocolate.
ː'''Mackenzie'''ːReally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Now listen up. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?
:'''Hammy''': ''[raises hand]'' Um, excuse me.
:'''R.J.''': Yes...Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': Rabbits aren't vicious, they're all cute and cuddly, so...
:'''R.J.''': Rabi-d, not rabbi-t.
:'''Hammy''': Oh... ''[confused]'' What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Verne''': '' I'm telling you, you went to far this time. Let's get out of here and leave this [picks up the blue cooler]'' You're dangerous! You're insane!
:'''Ozzie''': Sweet mother, I'm going HOME! ''[coughs]'' '''''Goodbye'', cruel world!''' ''[notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk]'' OHH! OHH! ''[whispers]'' Rosebud. ''[groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]''
:'''Skeeter''': Now can I poke him?
:'''Debbie''': No!
:'''Gladys''': You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dwayne''': I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
:'''Gladys''': Where have you been? I am throwing a Welcome to the Neighborhood party tomorrow, and so far, Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
:'''Dwayne''': Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there won't be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
:'''Verne''': ''[whispers to R.J.]'' Leave it. Leave it!
:'''Dwayne''': Now, what do we have here? ''[inhales]'' [[W:Virginia opossum|Didelphis marsupialis virginianus]]. Approximately ten pounds. ''[inhales]'' Male.
:'''Debbie''': I think he's dead.
:'''Dwayne''': Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The animals, except Verne, shows R.J. a surprise; his new home]''
:'''Stella''': Check it out. ''[R.J. looks around at some random objects of his new home]'' Your new home!
:'''Hammy''': ''[gestures at the baby car seat]'' And look, we got a place for you right here!
:'''R.J.''': That's for me?
:'''Lou''': Yeah, is this anything like what you had, RJ? 
:'''R.J.''': This isn't anything like what I had, Lou. 
:'''Hammy''': ''[hands RJ a can of caffeine]'' Here, I'm not supposed to drink this.
:'''R.J.''': Thanks. ''[to Heather, who sits on RJ's bag]'' Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Is that my bag?
:'''Heather''': Yeah, we brought it in here so you wouldn't have to sleep in that old tree.
:'''R.J.''': Really? Wow. 
:'''Bucky''': Hey, RJ, check this out! We totally hooked up the TV.
:'''Quillo''': I hot-wired the HD converter.
:'''Spike''': We get like 1,000 channels!
:'''Heather''': Here, can you take the remote before my dad does? 
:'''R.J.''': Wow. A universal remote? This is nice, guys. Really nice. ''[turns on the TV]''
:'''TV Announcer''': And now, we return to &quot;A Scoundrel Among Us&quot;.
:'''Woman''': You should be ashamed of yourself! We let you into our family, and you deceived us!
:''[R.J. changes the channel]''
:'''Man''': I gave you my heart, and then you ripped it into a milion pieces!
:''[R.J. changes the channel again]''
:'''Dr. Dennis''': Get real, Kevin. Because when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag, right? So just say it out loud: &quot;I am a dirtbag.&quot;
:'''Lou''': &quot;Dirtbag&quot;? I don't think that guy's a real doctor. What've you think there, R.J.? ''[notices R.J. has gone]'' R.J.?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[devastated]'' No...! ''[covers his mouth]'' No...!
:'''Lou''': Verne, are you alright there!? Gimme a hand, Oz.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, sure, sure.
:'''Penny''': What the heck happened?
:'''R.J.''':  The food! It's gone! '''''GOOOOOOOONE!'''''
:'''Heather''': What?! Gone?!
:'''Stella''': How's it gone?!
:'''R.J.''': Ask...''HIM!'' ''[points at Verne]''
:'''Penny''': Verne?
:'''Verne''': ''[annoyed and resigned]'' I returned it to its rightful owners.
:'''Lou and Ozzie''': '''''WHAT?!''''' ''[they drop Verne]''
:'''Heather''': We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally...you know! And you're...you're all whatever!
:'''Ozzie''': Yeah, Verne, What were you thinking?! The log was full!
:'''Verne''': Full of ''junk.''
:''[Ozzie is appalled as are the others]''
:'''Lou''': Oh, so what're ya saying there? That the food we gathered ''our'' way isn't as good as the food we gathered ''your'' way? ''[he and Ozzie walk away]''
:'''Verne''': ''Your'' way? ''[referring to R.J.]'' You mean ''his way''. Can't you see RJ's just using you?
:'''Penny''': ''[gasps]'' Verne! Shame on you! R.J. wouldn't do that!
:'''Verne''': You've gotta trust me on this! Don't you understand that there is something wrong with this guy? My tail tingles every time I get near him!
:'''Stella''': Oh, so we're supposed to go all hungry 'cause your butt's vibratin'? I'm startin' to think that tingle of yours is just you bein' jealous!
:'''Verne''': Jealous? Of ''him?!''
:'''Lou''': Yeah! He's embracing the future there, and now you're just holding us back!
:'''Verne''': ''[talks back to Lou]'' Oh, I hold you back all right; from ''extinction!'' ''[turns to R.J.]'' Do you see what you've done here? If they listen to half the stuff you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week! You are only interested in taking of them '''''because they are too stupid and naive to know any better!'''''
:'''Hammy''': ''[having heard what Verne said, he was heartbroken]'' I'm not stupid.
:'''Verne''': ''[turns to the animals, who are shocked and appalled]'' Okay, I didn't mean, um...I mean ignorant. To the ways over-over there. C'mon, you guys. You know I didn't mean it like that. ''[the animals start to walk away]'' Don't-Don't do this. Stella? Ozzie? ''[turns to Hammy]'' Hammy, you know I didn't... ''[Hammy pushes his hand away]'' Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': I'm not stupid. ''[walks away]''
:'''Verne''': ''[shocked]'' Please.
:''[Hammy takes R.J.'s hand and R.J. shakes his head at Verne. as Verne witnessed that, he sighs with grief and sadly begins to walk the other direction]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gladys''': ''[after installing a lot of traps]'' What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
:'''Dwayne''': That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, ''[with his hand over his heart]'' except Texas.
:'''Gladys''': I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
:'''Dwayne''': I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you. ''[as he tosses a stuffed bear in it]'' Adios, animal infestation.
:'''R.J.''': ''[horrified at the sight before him]'' AHHHHH!!!
:''[We see it in a cage, with outside burned off]''
:'''Gladys''': Oh my. ''[chuckles, impressed]''
:''[R.J. sits on the root, looks up at the full moon, pulls out the list, and sadly crumpled it up]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[to himself]'' What have I done?
:'''Verne''': I shouldn't have taken all that.
:'''R.J.''': What?
:'''Verne''': I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious, 'cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand. You're, like, cool and crazy and fearless. ''[sits down next to R.J.]'' I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
:'''R.J.''': ''[sighs]'' Verne, believe me. You should not be jealous of me. You...You got a good thing here. You're just trying to do what's best for your family.
:'''Verne''': And I think ''you're'' what's best for them now.
:'''R.J.''': What about your tail?
:'''Verne''': Eh...My head says &quot;listen to my tail,&quot; and my tail says &quot;just listen to my head,&quot; and I just...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now.
:'''R.J.''': You don't really know what's going on here.
:'''Verne''': And you do! So...what's the problem?
:'''R.J.''': ''[hands Verne his crumpled-up list]'' This, Verne, is the problem. You see this? ''[hears the sound of a vehicle backing up]''
:'''Verne''': I'm listening.
:'''R.J.''': Just...
:'''Verne''': Uh-huh?
:'''R.J.''': Just hang on a second.
:'''Verne''': Alright.
:''[R.J. climbs up a tree to see Gladys having food delivered to her house]''
:'''Delivery Man''': Hey, uh, you the lady throwing the party?
:'''Gladys''': Yes. Just to the right. There are protected booties to put on over your shoes.
:'''R.J.''': ''[sees a container of Spuddies in one of the boxes]'' Yes! Yes!
:'''Verne''': ''[appears behind R.J. with the list]'' Um, uh, what is this?
:'''R.J.''': What? Oh. That... 
:'''Verne''': Mmm-hmm?
:'''R.J.''': ...is a...list...
:'''Verne''': Of?
:'''R.J.''': ...of all the stuff that you've lost, Verne.
:'''Verne''': Really?
:'''R.J.''': Well, it's a big, long list. You can see that.
:'''Verne''': Well, you're an organized little guy, aren't ya? Nice job.
:'''R.J.''': But, you know what? I know place that's so chockful of food, ''[takes the list from Verne]'' we can get it all back in one night.
:'''Verne''': Great. Let's go. Where is it?
:'''R.J.''': Inside that house.
:'''Verne''': ''[leans over to get a view]'' What? ''[falls off the branch]''
:'''R.J.''': Verne! ''[tries to catch Verne, but only grabs his shell; examines it]'' What is the point of this thing?
:'''Verne''': ''[from below; offscreen]'' Just send it down.
:''[Scene switches to R.J. talking to the other animals about Verne]''
:'''R.J.''': What Verne's trying to say is...I mean, it's hard to really sum it all in just one word...
:'''Verne''': ''[quietly stops R.J., to the animals]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Hammy''': Aww, come here!
:''[The animals all huddle up for a big group hug]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': ''[getting out Monopoly game pieces]'' Okay, this is us. 
:'''Hammy''': Can I be the car?
:'''Bucky''': ''I'' wanna be the car! 
:'''Spike''': ''I'm'' the car! You be the ''shoe.''
:'''Bucky''': Shoe is ''lame''.
:'''Lou''': Why don't you be that snazzy lookin' iron there?
:'''R.J.''': Hey, it's not important! Besides, ''I'm'' the car! I'm ''always'' the car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Alright, gorgeous, you're on. ''[pushes Stella out of the bushes]''
:'''Stella''': ''[to herself]'' Man, this better be one stupid cat.
:'''R.J.''': Audio, go!
:''[The animals activate a Fisher Price barnyard animal toy, but makes a cow noise instead of a cat noise]''
:'''Verne''': She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes the cow. Let's hope the cat likes the cow.
:'''Tiger''': ''[busts out of his pet door]'' Who goes there?!
:'''R.J.''': ''[to Stella]'' You're a cat! You're a cat!
:'''Stella''': ''[to Tiger]'' You're a cat! ''[R.J. facepalms]'' I mean, ''I'm'' a cat. Uh, meow!
:'''Tiger''': Yeah. Right. Shoo. Scurry off! Go on! Get away from here! My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
:'''Stella''': Common strays? Alright, you asked for it! ''[gets ready to spray Tiger]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[whispers]'' Get the collar!
:'''Stella''': Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
:'''Tiger''': No, no, no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods! ''[sneezes into his arm and wipes it onto his face]'' Away with your filth!
:'''Stella''': My filth? ''[the animals gasp]'' '''My filth?!'''
:'''Penny''': Oh, jeepers, here we go!
:'''Stella''': Okay, that's it! I am ''so'' sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think ''I'm'' filthy! Well, I've got news for you, I didn't get all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me! I got makeup on my ''butt'', dude, and you don't even want to ''know'' about the cork!
:'''Tiger''': Stop! No one has ''ever'' spoken to me like that! ''[the animals gasp; Stella startled]'' It is bold. I like it.
:''[R.J. and Verne smile at each other, and Stella is shown surprised]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Spike''': ''[turns the THX Logo on]'' Uh-oh!
:'''Tiger''': What was that?
:'''Stella''': It...That's just the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it?
:'''Spike''': &lt;big&gt;'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'''!''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Quillo''': This way, this way! ''[he and Bucky switches the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over from the loud logo]''
:'''R.J.''': Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!
:'''Penny''': There you go. ''[Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather]''
:'''Heather''': ''[to Verne]'' Here, catch!
:''[Verne catches the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off of a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box]''
:'''Lou''': ''[tries to hold a plate with strawberry gelatin]'' Oh, boy. ''[drops the plate, gasps]''
:''[Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy was still catching food sliding or rolling down the transparent sheet]''
:'''R.J.''': Yes! We're gonna make it.
:'''Tiger''': My father... he had an exceptionally flat face. It was ''so'' beautiful, he could barely breathe!
:'''Stella''': Fascinating!
:''[The mountain of food in the wagon has grown in the morning]''
:'''Tiger''': ...Inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. Come, I'll show you!
:'''Stella''': NO, no! I-I-I haven't told you about my life.
:'''R.J.''': Good, good! Going great, going great! ''[a coffee machine beeps]''
:'''Verne''': ''[pointing to the coffee machine]'' What is ''that''?
:'''R.J.''': ''That'' is what gets the humans out of bed in the morning. ''[he and Verne turn to the TV where Gladys is gone]''
:'''R.J. and Verne''': AAAAAH!
:'''Quillo''': Where'd she go? ''[Gladys comes down the stairs]''
:'''Verne''': Get down and stay down!
:''[Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, and the rest of the animals run behind the counter. Gladys yawns]''
:'''Verne''': Move, move!
:''[Gladys pours the coffee into a cup. The animals, including R.J., scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens up the cabinet and pulls out a box... with a can of Spuddies behind]''
:'''Verne''': Come on, we've gotta go before she comes back.
:'''R.J.''': No, not without those Spuddies!
:'''Verne''': What?
:'''R.J.''': Lou, Penny? Back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!
:'''Heather''': I'm on it, RJ.
:'''Ozzie''': No, Heather, wait! ''[runs after Heather]''
:'''Verne''': ''[begins to feel his tail tingle again]'' The tingle, the tingle. RJ, the wagon's full! Let's get out of here!
:'''R.J.''': Hang on, Vincent! This will only take a second!
:'''Verne''': 'Vincent'?
:'''R.J.''': '''WHERE?!?'''
:'''Verne''': Who's Vincent?
:'''R.J.''': Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear. TONGUE! Uh, erm... ''Just bear with me'' is what I... meant to say. There's no bear!
:''[R.J. climbs on the bottle rack to get to the Spuddies. Meanwhile, Heather is trying to distract Gladys by copying Ozzie]''
:'''Gladys''': Hmm? Oh!
:'''Heather''': Lights fading, limbs growing co...
:''[Gladys kicks down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror]''
:'''Ozzie''': Heather?
:''[As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body]''
:'''Ozzie''': Oh, Heather...
:'''Gladys''': ''[Meanwhile, she's talking to the Verminator on the phone]'' There's a dead white rat on my staircase!
:''[Heather's eyes suddenly opened. It turned out she was playing dead]''
:'''Ozzie''': I thought you were dead.
:'''Heather''': I learned from the best, Dad.
:'''Ozzie''': That's my girl.
:'''R.J.''': ''[struggles to retrieve Gladys' Spuddies from the cabinet]'' Come...to Papa.
:'''Ozzie''': ''[returns to the animals with Heather]'' We better hurry. We don't have much time.
:'''Verne''': ''[tries to stop R.J. by grabbing his tail]'' What's going on up there, RJ?
:'''R.J.''': Nothing!
:'''Verne''': Well then, let's get out of here, because we have what we need!
:'''R.J.''': No, we don't!
:'''Verne''': What are you talking about? ''[pulls on RJ's tail]'' We have more than enough!
:'''R.J.''': ''[snaps]'' Hey! Listen, I've got about ''this long'' to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear! ''[the other animals gasp at R.J.'s confession]'' And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now let go of my tail!
:'''Verne''': ''[horrified]'' What...?
:'''R.J.''': ''[growling, angrily kicks Verne's arm off]'' Let '''''GO!'''''
:''[As RJ grabs the Spuddies, Verne and RJ began to falls down makes the objects crashed letting Stella and Gladys hear them]''
:'''Stella''':  Huh? Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tiger''': Stella?! Stella, where are you going?! '''''STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Gladys runs into the kitchen and screams with the animals are inside and runs away as Stella returns to the kitchen as he follows her]'' Stella!
:'''Stella''':  Look, it's not you! It won't work, okay? Because I'm a... ''[Gladys sees her]'' Uh...
:'''Gladys''': ''[screams; lifts her leg]'' '''''SKUNK!'''''
:'''Stella''': Yeah, that. ''[Gladys runs screaming]'' Sorry you have to see this. Fire in the hole!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Bucky''': What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
:'''Penny''': I...I don't know, baby.
:'''Heather''': ''[clutches her arms around Ozzie while locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination]'' I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
:'''Ozzie''': There, there, sweetheart. We'll be okay.
:''[Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared]''
:'''Lou''': ''[referring to R.J.]'' You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry back there.
:'''Verne''': No. ''[sits down]'' I knew we wouldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should have known better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vincent''': Wow.
:'''R.J.''': Vincent?
:'''Vincent''': So, I was just on my way down here to kill you, but I stopped to watch the show and I gotta say... ''[gives R.J. his binoculars and shows Verne and his family being taken away by Dwayne]'' that right there is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. ''[chuckles]'' Classic, R.J. You take the food and they take the fall. You keep this up, you're gonna end up just like me, having everything you ever wanted.
:'''R.J.''': But I already had that.
:'''Vincent''': What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So, a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough, that's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
:'''R.J.''': Actually...I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this! ''[takes the wagon with all the food]''
:'''Vincent''': ''[enraged]'' '''''RJ!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Verne''': ''[beneath the window]'' Bear!
:'''R.J.''': What's that?
:'''Verne''': Bear!
:'''R.J.''': Hair?
:'''Verne''': Bear!
:'''R.J.''': Dare?
:'''Verne''': ''Bear!''
:'''R.J.''': ''[looks back at Vincent]'' Oh! '''''BEAR!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''R.J.''': Thank you! Yes, Yes! Hey! Let me in, let me in!
:'''Ozzie''': No! Ring-tailed charlatan!
:'''R.J.''': Ozzie!
:'''Verne''': He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!
:'''Stella''': After what he did to us?!
:'''Verne''': But he came back.
:''[Vincent's roar is heard]''
:'''Lou''': And he brought a bear!
:'''Spike''': ''[while driving the van, the others are arguing]'' Hey, no fighting while we're driving!
:'''Quillo''': We will turn this van around, mister!
:''[The animals were shocked and stunned]''
:'''Lou''': ''[points at Verne]'' He started it.
:'''Verne''': I'm telling he's trying to help us, really.
:'''Ozzie''': But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail. 
:'''Verne''': But it's not tingling. 
:'''All''': Ohhh!
:'''Stella''': Why didn't you say so? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gladys''': That's the-
:'''Dwayne''': The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging! Oh, no! No, no! No, no! Ogh!
:''[Shouting. Shouting continues. Popcorn pops. Clanging. They all moan]''
:'''All''': Whoo-hoo!
:'''Heather''': Yeah!
:'''Stella''': We did it!
:'''All''': Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
:'''Stella''': Nice teamwork.
:'''R.J.''': Come here, Hammy. Come here. You are a genius, my boy.
:'''Hammy''': Oh, thank ''[burping]'' you!
:'''Verne''': Eegh!
:'''R.J.''': And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
:'''Verne''': Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vincent groans]''
:'''Ranger''': ''[carrying Vincent away]'' Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.
:'''Police Officer''': Now you do realise it was a Depelter Turbo.
:'''Gladys''': Officer, please! That was the Verminator! It sold it to me! That has nothing to do with me!
:'''Police Officer''': Hey, hey! It was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so tell it to the judge!
:'''Gladys''': '''NO!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! LET GO OF ME!!'''
:'''Police Officer''': Ma'am!
:'''Gladys''': '''I CAN'T BE ARRESTED!!'''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me.
:'''Gladys''': ''[yelling]'' '''''I'M PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION!!''''' ''[kicking the police officer]''
:'''Cop''': Aw! Take her down! Oh!
:'''Dwayne''': She's getting away! ''[quietly as she is fights the police]'' Get her! ''[sneaks away]''
:'''Gladys''': ''[barely audible]'' Stop that! My shoes!
:'''Police Officer''': Ma'am.
:'''Gladys''': ''[his last words]'' Hyah!
:'''Police Officer''': ''[faintly]'' Hey, can I get a little help over here? ''[as Dwayne climbs over a fence]'' Somebody get a hold of her legs!
:'''Dwayne''': Okay. Uh! Oh!
:''[Dwayne then accidentally steps on a squeak toy offscreen]'' 
:'''Nugent''': ''[offscreen]'' Play?
:'''Dwayne''': ''[his last words; offscreen]'' Oh, no. No, no! No, no! ''[a bite was heard, resulting him to scream in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Animals''': Yay!
:'''Heather''': High five, Hammy!
:'''Hammy''': Yes!
:'''Animals''': It worked! It worked! We did it! We did it! Whoo! Alright.
:'''Stella''': Oh, yes!
:'''Tiger''': Stella! Stella!
:'''Stella''': Over here, Tiger.
:'''Tiger''': Oh, Stella! Ah, so this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
:'''Stella''': Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
:'''Verne''': You know, RJ, uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would have given it to you.
:'''R.J.''': Really?
:'''Verne''': Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
:'''R.J.''': I never really had anything like that.
:'''Verne''': I know, but believe me, this...This is the gateway to the good life.
:'''R.J.''': Really wish you've told me that sooner.
:'''Verne''': Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say? Wanna be part of it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During the credits, When &quot;Rocking the Suburbs&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''R.J.''': That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion, and they call it...a TV.
:'''Quillo''': Wicked cool!
:'''R.J.''': Humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them. 
:'''Lou''': That is super-duper.
:'''R.J.''': They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts, watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time. 
:'''Stella''': Wow. Interesting. 
:'''Penny''': Come on, kids! Family time there, in front of the TV! Got your snack food?
:'''Hammy''': Buy a vowel! BUY A VOWEL! Buy a &quot;Y&quot;, Please buy a &quot;Y&quot;!
:'''Ozzie''': I can't find the remote.
:'''Lou''': Hey, Spikey, Race Ya!
:'''Ozzie''': Has anybody seen the remote?
:'''Heather''': Dad, chill. 
:'''Stella''': I could do a little TV. Today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien. 
:'''Hammy''': Just Like Khan in [[Star Trek II]]! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention and redo all the life!
:'''Verne:''': Well, that was specific.
:'''Hammy''': I saw it on TNT, a retrospective. 
:'''Heather''': Gummy Worm, anybody?
:'''R.J.''': Let me have one.
:'''Stella''': Bucky, pass this to Lou. 
:'''Lou''': Taste this.
:'''Spike''': Don't you take that. 
:'''Verne''': This is the perfect food.
:'''R.J.''': Fat-free cookies? Might as well just be eating dirt.
:'''Hammy''': I've had dirt, I don't like dirt, it tastes like dirt!
:'''Heather''': Shh! The Show is starting! 
:''[The last part of &quot;Rocking the Suburbs&quot; by Ben Folds continues on the credits]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines, after the end credits, R.J. is fixing the vending machine]''
:'''R.J.''': ''[in a post-credit scene]'' Wait! Hang on a minute. ''[all the chip bags fall down and everyone laughs and cheers]'' Yes, here we go! ''[as he tries to get all the chips out, the lid is stuck, and the machine doesn't budge]''
:'''Hammy''': Kinda anticlimactic.
:'''R.J.''': Shoot!

==Taglines==
* From the creators of [[Shrek]] and [[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]].
* Get over it.
* Taking back the neighborhood one snack at a time.
* Ring Leader (RJ tagline)
* Shell Shocked (Verne tagline)
* Nuts! (Hammy tagline)
* Master Blaster. (Stella tagline)

==Voice cast==
===Main cast===
* '''[[Bruce Willis]]''' — R.J.
* '''[[w:Garry Shandling|Garry Shandling]]''' — Verne
* '''[[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]]''' — Hammy
* '''[[w:Wanda Sykes|Wanda Sykes]]''' — Stella
* '''[[William Shatner|Bill Shatner]]''' — Ozzie
* '''[[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]]''' — Vincent
* '''[[w:Thomas Haden Church|Thomas Haden Church]]''' — Dwayne
* '''[[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]]''' — Gladys
* '''[[w:Eugene Levy|Eugene Levy]]''' — Lou
* '''[[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]]''' — Penny
* '''[[Avril Lavigne]]''' — Heather
* '''[[Omid Djalili]]''' — Tiger
* '''Sami Kirkpatrick''' — Bucky
* '''[[w:Shane Baumel|Shane Baumel]]''' — Spike
* '''[[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]]''' — Quillo
* '''Zoe Randol''' — Mackenzie
* '''[[w:Jessica DiCicco|Jessica DiCicco]]''' — Shelby
* '''[[w:Debra Wilson|Debra Wilson]]''' — Debbie
* '''Sean Bishop''' — Police Officer
* '''Jeannie Elias''' — Janis
* '''Kejon Keese''' — Timmy
* '''[[w:Paul Butcher (actor)|Paul Butcher]]''' — Skeeter
* '''[[w:Sean Yazbeck|Sean Yazbeck]]''' — BBQ Barry (''[[The Apprentice (British TV series)|The Apprentice]]'')
* '''Geoffrey Pomeroy''' — Ranger
* '''Joel McCrary''' — Dr. Dennis
* '''Lee Bienstock''' — Lunch Table Larry (''[[The Apprentice (British TV series)|The Apprentice]]'')
* '''[[w:Brian Stepanek|Brian Stepanek]]''' — Nugent the Dog

===Deleted scenes===
* '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — Princess Fiona
* '''[[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]]''' — Puss in Boots
* '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread Man
* '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — Donkey
* '''[[Mike Myers]]''' — Shrek
* '''[[Julie Andrews]]''' — Queen Lillian
* '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Wolf
* '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio
* '''[[Tom Hanks]]''' — Woody

==Theatrical Trailers==
===Teaser Trailer (Work In Progress)===
:'''Hammy''': Psst. Hey, Steve.
:'''Steve Carell''': Hi. I'm Steve Carell.
:'''Hammy''': Steve.
:'''Carell''': Hammy, not now. I'm about to tell the people about our new movie.
:'''Hammy''': One little nut. I'll be your best friend. Please?
:'''Carell''': OK, here we go. Go.
:'''Hammy''': Yahoo!
:'''Carell''': Take it, mooch. I'm here to talk about DreamWorks Animation's new movie called ''Over the Hedge''. We have scenes to share with you in various stages of animation. &quot;Over the Hedge.&quot; It's about a bunch of woodland creatures who wake up from five months of winter hibernation to discover a giant hedge running right through the middle of their forest.
:'''Ozzie''': No. 
:'''Carell''': And on the other side of it, a hundred brand-new homes. Now, they totally freak out worrying about how they'll survive when along comes R.J. Now, R.J. is this super-cool raccoon and he is played by none other than the big action star Bruce Willis. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Bruce has been in the studio all week recording some very funny lines that, well, why don't I let him explain? Bruce, bet you're really excited.
:'''Bruce Willis''': Hey, I'm excited. I'm very excited, OK? My voice is coming out of a furry computer-generated raccoon.
:'''R.J.''': You, my friend, are a natural.
:'''Willis''': So here's how this whole thing works: I say a funny line in here, like this. &quot;Now listen, champ. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel.&quot; Then the directors take it over to the sketch artists. And then they take it to the animation wizards. And it comes out just like this.
:'''R.J.''': What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?
:'''Willis''': It's pretty cool, right?
:'''Carell''': That's Bruce Willis. I was talking to Bruce Willis. Wow. OK, then there's Verne.
:'''Verne''': We want nothing to do with anything that's over that hedge!
:'''Carell''': Voiced by Garry Shandling. Verne's the leader of all the animals in the forest. Now, everyone likes Verne, but he's a little cautious, a little slow. So everyone's just starting to adjust to life in the suburbs when suddenly, RJ gets his big idea. RJ sees a treasure of goodies to be had from his unsuspecting new neighbors and convinces his reluctant pals to join him on his mission. Clearly, the guy has seen too many spy movies. Lucky for him, he's got a lot of animal friends in this movie. Like Stella the skunk, played by the always funny Wanda Sykes.
:'''Wanda Sykes/Stella''': Why did you let him sneak up on me like that, Verne? I was this close.
:'''Carell''': And Ozzie the possum, played by William Shatner. I play an opossum.
:'''Ozzie''': Must move toward the light.
:'''Carell''': And there's Ozzie's teenage daughter played by Avril Lavigne. Penny and Lou are played by the wonderfully funny Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. They have their hands full with porcupine triplets.
:'''Lou''': Shape up, there.
:'''Carell''': And the irrepressible squirrel Hammy is played by none other than me.
:'''Carell/Hammy''': Dig a hole, bury it, take it out, bury it somewhere else. Forget where it is.
:'''Carell''': I am adorable. Well, that's all we're gonna tell you right now 'cause we're saving up a whole bunch of surprises. So, from the whole gang... 
:'''Hammy''': Excuse me.
:'''Carell''': and Hammy, we'll see you...
:'''Carell/Hammy''': Over the hedge.
:'''Hammy''': Right?
:'''Carell''': Anything else from you, Hammy?
:'''Hammy''': Oh, I can burp my ABC's. A, B, C...
:'''Carell''': Well, like I was saying, from me and Hammy and all the other guys, we'll see you over the hedge.
:'''Announcer''': ''Over the Hedge''. It may be your backyard, but it's their world.
:'''Hammy''': ...Y, Z.
:''[Summer 2006]''

===Theatrical Trailer #1===
:'''Verne''': Half the forest is gone.
:'''Announcer''': Their land has been developed.
:'''Verne''': These humans don't want us around!
:'''R.J.''': Run!
:'''Verne''': No!
:'''Announcer''': Their survival is at stake.
:'''Stella''': What will we do for food?
:'''R.J.''': That's easy. I know where the food is. Right over that hedge.
:'''Announcer''': And the most important decision they'll have to make
:'''Verne''': We want nothing to do with anything that's over that hedge!
:'''Announcer''': is who to follow.
:'''Hammy''': I, I, I, I, I, I...
:'''R.J.''': I have it. Let's ride. Welcome to paradise. 
:'''All''': Wow.
:'''Announcer''': So he can do a couple of tricks. It's not like he can walk on water.
:'''R.J.''': Hey, everybody.
:''[&quot;Wild Wild Life&quot; by [[Talking Heads]] playing]''
:'''Announcer''': Bruce Willis.
:'''R.J.''': That is an SUV.
:'''Penny''':  It's so big.
:'''Lou''': How many humans fit in there?
:'''R.J.''': Usually one.
:'''Announcer''': Garry Shandling.
:'''Verne''': Hey there, little fella.
:'''R.J.''': Stop it. Fluffier. Liking that a lot. Done!
:'''Announcer''': Steve Carell.
:'''Hammy''': I am a crazy rabid squirrel.
:'''Girl Scouts''': Rabies!
:'''R.J.''': Behind you!
:'''Announcer''': William Shatner.
:'''Ozzie''': Playing possum is what we do. Rosebud.
:'''Skeeter''': Can I poke him? 
:'''Debbie''': No!
:'''Announcer''': And Wanda Sykes.
:'''Stella''': Fire in the hole!
:'''Gladys''': Skunk!
:'''Verne''': Thank you, Stella.
:'''Stella''': Oh, I can clear a room.
:'''Announcer''': This summer...
:'''Hammy''': Want me to show you what I do with my nuts?
:'''R.J.''': Very tempting, Hammy. Very tempting.
:'''Announcer''': ...from DreamWorks, the creators of ''[[Shrek]]'' and ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''.
:'''Verne''': I'm putting my foot down.
:'''R.J.''': No, no.
:'''Nugent''': Play?
:'''Verne''': Oh, boy.
:'''R.J.''': Woah!
:'''Announcer''': ''Over the Hedge''.
:'''Verne''': You're the devil.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Over the Hedge (film)}}
*{{imdb title|id=0327084|title=Over the Hedge}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Heist films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on comics]]
[[Category:Films about raccoons]]
[[Category:Films about turtles]]
[[Category:Animated films about squirrels]]
[[Category:Films about skunks]]
[[Category:Animated films about cats]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Films set in Indiana]]
[[Category:Films directed by Tim Johnson]]
[[Category:Films directed by Karey Kirkpatrick]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about consumerism]]</text>
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    <title>Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)</title>
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[[File:Mutiny on the Bounty poster.jpg|thumb]]
[[File:Poster - Mutiny on the Bounty (1935).jpg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]''''' is a [[w:1935 in film|1935 film]] about the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|real-life mutiny]] aboard the [[w:HMAV Bounty|HMAV Bounty]] lead by [[w:Fletcher Christian|Fletcher Christian]] against the ship's captain, [[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]. It won the [[w:Academy Award for Best Picture|Academy Award for Best Picture]] in 1935.
:''Directed by [[w:Frank Lloyd|Frank Lloyd]]. Written by [[w:Talbot Jennings|Talbot Jennings]], [[w:Jules Furthman|Jules Furthman]], and [[w:Carey Wilson|Carey Wilson]], based on the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty (novel)|novel]] by [[w:Charles Nordhoff|Charles Nordhoff]] and [[w:James Norman Hall|James Norman Hall]].''
{{center|'''A Thousand Hours of Hell For One Moment of Love!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Capt. William Bligh == 
* ''[to Christian]'' They respect but one law - the law of fear...I expect you to carry out whatever orders I give, whenever I give them.
* The ship's company will remember that I am your captain, your judge, and your jury. You do your duty and we may get along. Whatever happens, you'll do your duty.
* During the recent heavy weather, I've had the opportunity to watch all of you at work on deck and aloft. You don't know wood from canvas! And it seems you don't want to learn! Well, I'll have to give you a lesson.
* ''[to a crewman who begs for water]'' I'll give you water. Mr. Morrison. Keel haul this man.
* Can you understand this, Mr. Byam? Discipline is the thing. A seaman's a seaman. A captain's a captain. And a midshipman, Sir Joseph or no Sir Joseph, is the lowest form of animal life in the British Navy.

== Lt. Fletcher Christian ==
* ''[about Bligh]'' I've never known a better seaman, but as a man, he's a snake. He doesn't punish for discipline. He likes to see men crawl. Sometimes, I'd like to push his poison down his own throat.
* ''[to Bligh]'' Now you've given your last command on this ship. We'll be men again if we hang for it.
* ''[to Bligh]'' I'll take my chance against the law. You'll take yours against the sea.
* ''[to Byam]'' When you're back in England with the fleet again, you'll hear the hue and cry against me.  From now on, they'll spell mutiny with my name. I regret that.
* ''[to Bligh]''You have obtained degrees from the Navy, but you have not got our admiration

== Midshipman Roger Byam ==
* To the voyage of the ''Bounty''. Still waters of the great golden sea. Flying fish like streaks of silver, and mermaids that sing in the night. The Southern Cross and all the stars on the other side of the world.
* My lord, much as I desire to live, I'm not afraid to die. Since I first sailed on the Bounty over four years ago, I've known how men can be made to suffer worse things than death, cruelly, beyond duty, beyond necessity. Captain Bligh, you've told your story of mutiny on the Bounty, how men plotted against you, seized your ship, cast you adrift in an open boat, a great venture in science brought to nothing, two British ships lost. But there's another story, Captain Bligh, of ten cocoanuts and two cheeses. A story of a man who robbed his seamen, cursed them, flogged them, not to punish but to break their spirit. A story of greed and tyranny, and of anger against it, of what it cost.
* One man, my lord, would not endure such tyranny. That's why you hounded him. That's why you hate him, hate his friends. And that's why you're beaten. Fletcher Christian's still free. Christian lost, too, my lord. God knows he's judged himself more harshly than you could judge him. I say to his father, 'He was my friend. No finer man ever lived.' I don't try to justify his crime, his mutiny, but I condemn the tyranny that drove him to it. I don't speak here for myself alone or for these men you condemn. I speak in their names, in Fletcher Christian's name, for all men at sea. These men don't ask for comfort. They don't ask for safety. If they could speak to you they'd say, 'Let us choose to do our duty willingly, not the choice of a slave, but the choice of free Englishmen.' They ask only the freedom that England expects for every man. If one man among you believe that - one man - he could command the fleets of England. He could sweep the seas for England. If he called his men to their duty not by flaying their backs, but by lifting their hearts, their... That's all.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bligh''': What's your name?
:'''Seaman Ellison''': Thomas Ellison, sir. Pressed into service. I've got a wife, a baby!
:'''Bligh''': I asked your name, not the history of your misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bligh''': But you're taking my ship. My ship.
:'''Christian''': ''Your'' ship? The King's ship, you mean. And you're not fit to command it. Into the boat!
:'''Bligh''': Casting me adrift thirty five hundred miles from a port of call. You're sending me to my doom, eh? Well, you're wrong, Christian! I'll take this boat, as she floats, to England if I must. I'll live to see you - all of ya - hanging from the highest yard arm in the British fleet!

== Taglines ==
* A Thousand Hours of Hell For One Moment of Love!
* Clark Gable as the daring mutineer in the screen's most exciting adventure story!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Charles Laughton|Charles Laughton]] - Capt. [[William Bligh]]
* [[Clark Gable]] - Lt. Fletcher Christian
* [[w:Franchot Tone|Franchot Tone]] - Midshipman Roger Byam
* [[w:Herbert Mundin|Herbert Mundin]] - Smith
* [[w:Eddie Quillan|Eddie Quillan]] - Seaman Thomas Ellison
* [[w:Dudley Digges (actor)|Dudley Digges]] - Dr. Bacchus
* [[w:Donald Crisp|Donald Crisp]] - Seaman Thomas Burkitt
* [[w:Henry Stephenson|Henry Stephenson]] - Sir Joseph Banks
* [[w:Francis Lister|Francis Lister]] - Capt. Nelson

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0026752|title=Mutiny on the Bounty}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1014481-mutiny_on_the_bounty|title=Mutiny on the Bounty}} 
* ''[http://www.filmsite.org/muti.html Mutiny on the Bounty]'' at [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)}}
[[Category:1935 films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:1930s American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners‎]]
[[Category:Seafaring films]]
[[Category:Films about the Royal Navy]]</text>
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    <title>Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)</title>
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[[File:Poster for Mutiny on the Bounty.jpg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]''''' is a [[w:1962 in film|1962 film]] about the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|real-life mutiny]] aboard the [[w:HMAV Bounty|HMAV Bounty]] lead by [[w:Fletcher Christian|Fletcher Christian]] against the ship's captain, [[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]].
:''Directed by [[w:Lewis Milestone|Lewis Milestone]]. Written by [[w:Charles Lederer|Charles Lederer]], based on the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty (novel)|novel]] by [[w:Charles Nordhoff|Charles Nordhoff]] and [[w:James Norman Hall|James Norman Hall]].''
{{center|'''The mightiest excitement that ever swept across the sea or the screen!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Captain William Bligh == 
* Now don't mistake me. I'm not advising cruelty or brutality with no purpose. My point is that cruelty with purpose is not cruelty - it's efficiency. Then a man will never disobey once he's watched his mate's backbone laid bare. He'll see the flesh jump, hear the whistle of the whip for the rest of his life.
* It is a matter of super-natural indifference to me, whether you contaminate the natives or the natives contaminate you. I have but one concern - our mission. Let any one of you provoke an incident which endangers it and I shall cause that man to curse his mother for giving him birth.
* Midshipmen - be a dull navy without them. Now get that slut off my ship.
* While our mission remains unfulfilled I'm not in any port, Mr Fryer, I'm in command - where you may find one day - it's always lonely. You see, command allows no intimacies. You can hardly expect unquestioning obedience from last night's partner in a debauch.
* I'm not leaving you Mr Christian, not ever. Go to the dirtiest little corner of the world I'll be there, right behind you, with a rope in my hand.
* The King's navy will not rest until every mutineer is captured and executed. Wherever you go, wherever you hide a thousand ships will search you out.

== 1st Lt. Fletcher Christian ==
* We need only persuade the British people of something they already know - that inhumanity is its poorest servant.
* ''[to Captain Bligh]'' But I assure you, sir, that the execution of my duties is entirely unaffected by my private opinion of you.

== Others ==
* '''John Mills''': There's no chance for people like us to go back to England, give Bligh a bad name and walk free men ourselves. And anyone who thinks otherwise hasn't got the sense that God gave geese.
* '''Court-martial Judge''': The court considers it has obligation to add comment to its verdict. By the force of evidentiary conclusions you, Captain William Bligh, stand absolved of military misdeed. Yet, officers of stainless record and seamen voluntarily all were moved to mutiny against you. Your methods, so far as this court can discern, show what we shall cautiously term an excess of zeal. We cannot condemn zeal. We cannot rebuke an officer who has administered discipline according to the articles of war but the articles are fallible, as any articles are bound to be. No code can cover all contingencies. We cannot put justice aboard our ships in books. Justice and decency are carried in the heart of the captain, or they be not aboard. It is for this reason that the Admiralty has always sought to appoint its officers from the ranks of gentlemen. The court regrets to note that the appointment of Captain William Bligh was, in that respect, a failure.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Fletcher Christian''': I was just thinking, sir, that our little errand for groceries might wind up in a page of naval history if we succeed in negotiating The Horn in the dead of winter.
:'''Captain Bligh''': Why shouldn't we succeed? Admiral Anderson did.
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Yes, but of course he didn't choose to attempt it in a ninety-one-foot chamber pot. In any event, his was the only ship to do it and I believe he lost fifty percent of his crew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Bligh''': I wonder why an alleged gentleman should give his first loyalty to ordinary seamen.
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Instead of to other alleged gentlemen?
:'''Captain Bligh''': Impertinence noted. It shall be logged. Do you care to enlarge the entry?
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Yes, only with this observation, which I will report to the Admiralty in any case: in my years of service I have never met an officer who inflicted punishment upon men with such incredible relish. Sickening.
:'''Captain Bligh''': Then go and be sick in your cabin, Mr Christian. I have never met a naval officer who was so proud of a weak stomach.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Bligh''': In a civilised society, certain lewd intentions towards the female members of one's family would be regarded as a, well, as an insult. Do you follow me?
:'''Fletcher Christian''': I think so, sir.
:'''Captain Bligh''': But in Tahiti, the insult lies in the omission of those lewd intentions. Manners that would offend a dock-side harlot seem to be the only acceptable behaviour to King Hitihiti.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Bligh''': Mr Christian! Kindly give me an explanation..
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Williams is been drinking sea water sir.. I was giving him some fresh water..I'm afraid he'll die without it.
:'''Captain Bligh''': You'll give no one water without my permission Mr. Christian! Take that ladle below!
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Aye-aye sir..
:''[Christian gives water to Williams and Captain Bligh knocks his hand.. Mr. Christian then knocks down Captain Bligh]''
:'''Fletcher Christian''': You bloody Bastard...You'll not put your foot on me again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Fletcher Christian''': There'll be no more killing aboard this ship, not even Captain Bligh.
:'''Captain Bligh''': If that's an attempt to earn clemency, I spit on it.
:'''Fletcher Christian''': You remarkable pig. You can thank whatever pig god you pray to that you haven't turned me into a murderer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Midshipman Young''': Fletcher, I'm proud to be with you.
:'''Fletcher Christian''': Well you've done rather well, Ned. Promoted to the rank of criminal. Not even 20 and a death sentence on your head.

== Taglines ==
* The mightiest excitement that ever swept across the sea or the screen!
* TRUE...TURBULENT...TREMENDOUS!
* The greatest adventure ever lived becomes the greatest adventure ever filmed!

== Cast ==
* [[Marlon Brando]] - 1st Lt. Fletcher Christian
* [[w:Trevor Howard|Trevor Howard]] - Capt. [[William Bligh]]
* [[w:Richard Harris|Richard Harris]] - Seaman John Mills
* [[w:Hugh Griffith|Hugh Griffith]] - Alexander Smith
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - William Brown
* Tarita - Maimiti
* [[w:Percy Herbert|Percy Herbert]] - Matthew Quintal
* [[w:Duncan Lamont|Duncan Lamont]] - John Williams
* [[w:Gordon Jackson|Gordon Jackson]] - Seaman Edward Birkett
* [[w:Tim Seely|Tim Seely]] - Midshipman Edward 'Ned' Young

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0056264|title=Mutiny on the Bounty}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1014482-mutiny_on_the_bounty|title=Mutiny on the Bounty}}

[[Category:1962 films|Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]
[[Category:Adventure films|Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]
[[Category:Drama films|Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]
[[Category:Films based on novels|Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]
[[Category:Remake films|Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]
[[Category:Seafaring films]]</text>
      <sha1>sbhr4vxrb98v78abck9ka4u0f3o1u34</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>October 31</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>27312</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607290</id>
      <parentid>3390309</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:44:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Suggestions */ extension and ranking shift on 1</comment>
      <origin>3607290</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="30652" sha1="56yqaz38977whr8otvdvhrdljvnudbr" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;31&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:October 31|October 31]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

; 2004
: Merry meet, and merry part, and Blessed Be. ~ A pagan expression of blessing.
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

; 2005
: ''I can see lights in the distance trembling in the dark cloak of night&lt;br&gt;Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing a waltz on All Souls Night.''&lt;br&gt; ~ [[Loreena McKennitt]] ~ (Halloween / All Soul's Night theme)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:53, 3 October 2005 (UTC)
* Note: I didn't vote on this one because it was already chosen (2005). - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2006
: ''A thing of beauty is a joy forever:&lt;br&gt;Its loveliness increases; it will never&lt;br&gt;Pass into nothingness; but still will keep&lt;br&gt;A bower quiet for us, and a sleep&lt;br&gt;Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[John Keats]] ~ (born October 31, 1795)
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: There is no law beyond ''Do'' what thou wilt. &lt;br&gt;Love is the law, love under will. &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Aleister Crowley]] ~
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 27 October 2007 (UTC) — another bit of pagan expression for [[w:Samhain|Samhain]]/All Hallow's Eve/[[w:Halloween|Halloween]]. Though the previous suggestion is the more famous expression of Crowley's thoughts, I think this one is actually a better and more intricate summation of it.
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:49, 30 October 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: Youth is not a question of years: one is young or old from birth. ~ [[Natalie Clifford Barney]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:54, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Waheedone|Waheedone]] 03:36, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Lyle|Lyle]] 20:31, 29 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: ''Wherein lies happiness? In that which becks &lt;br&gt; Our ready minds to fellowship divine, &lt;br&gt; A fellowship with essence; till we shine, &lt;br&gt; Full alchemiz’d, and free of space. Behold &lt;br&gt; The clear religion of heaven!''&lt;br&gt;~ [[John Keats]] ~
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 27 October 2007 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:53, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: ''Standing on the bridge that crosses&lt;br&gt;The river that goes out to the sea&lt;br&gt;The wind is full of a thousand voices&lt;br&gt;They pass by the bridge and me.'' &lt;br&gt; ~ [[Loreena McKennitt]] ~ (for a [[w:Samhain|Samhain]]/All Hallow's Eve/[[w:Halloween|Halloween]]/All Soul's Night theme)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 12:14, 3 October 2010 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:53, 3 October 2005 (UTC) I was going to rank this a 4 this year, but think I will defer to one of those by Keats suggested by Invisible Sun. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:53, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: &lt;big&gt; &lt;big&gt; [http://www.unicef.org/support/14884.html Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF!] &lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; &lt;p&gt;~ Charity slogan for [[w:UNICEF|UNICEF]] ~ &lt;/p&gt;
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 12:17, 25 October 2011 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = There are three things I have [[Learning|learned]] never to discuss with [[people]]: [[religion]], [[politics]], and the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]].
| author = [[Charles M. Schulz]] ~ &lt;br&gt; in &lt;br&gt; ~ ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = The [[imagination]] may be [[compared]] to [[Adam]]'s [[dream]] — he awoke and found it [[truth]].
| author = [[John Keats]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:53, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 14:55, 27 October 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 (maybe 2.5) [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = On [[w:Halloween|Halloween]] [[night]], the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]] rises out of the [[pumpkin]] patch, then flies through the air to bring [[toys]] to all the [[good]] little [[children]] everywhere. Wouldn't you like to sit with me in the pumpkin patch on Halloween night and wait for the [[Great]] Pumpkin?
| author = [[Charles M. Schulz]] ~ &lt;br&gt; in &lt;br&gt; ~ ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:54, 30 October 2014 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; If I should [[die]], I have left no [[immortal]] [[work]] behind me — [[nothing]] to make my [[friends]] [[proud]] of my [[memory]] — but I have [[loved]] the [[principle]] of [[beauty]] in [[all]] things, and if I had had [[time]] I would have made myself [[remembered]].
| author = John Keats
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Bystander53|bystander]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Bystander53|bystander]] ([[User talk:Bystander53|talk]]) 07:26, 27 October 2012 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:26, 30 October 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a very strong lean towards 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; OH [[w:Great Pumpkin|GREAT PUMPKIN]], WHERE ARE YOU?!
| author = [[Charles M. Schulz]] ~ &lt;br&gt; in &lt;br&gt; ~ ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!--* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:44, 30 October 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;--&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I was something that lay under the [[sun]] and [[felt]] it, like the [[pumpkins]], and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely [[happy]]. Perhaps we feel like that when we [[die]] and become a part of something [[entire]], whether it is sun and [[air]], or [[goodness]] and [[knowledge]]. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something [[complete]] and [[great]].
| author = Willa Cather
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:44, 30 October 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a very strong lean towards 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I am [[beginning]] to have a healthy dread of [[possessions]], be it of a [[country]], a [[house]], a being or even an [[idea]]. If we are bothered by possessions we cannot really live either from without or from within; we are the possession of our possessions. All [[wars]] and most [[loves]] come from the possessive [[instinct]]. Why grab possessions like [[thieves]], or divide them like [[socialists]] when you can ignore them like [[wise]] men: that you may belong to everything and everything be yours inclusive of [[yourself]]. &lt;br /&gt; Could we, and we can, have the vital [[necessities]] for [[all]], we should do away with this cry of [[class]] and begin to differentiate between [[individuals]].
| author = Natalie Clifford Barney
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- Why grab possessions like thieves, or divide them like socialists when you can ignore them like wise men? ~ [[Natalie Clifford Barney]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:54, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:11, 30 October 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; but extended to read:
:: I am beginning to have a healthy dread of possessions, be it of a country, a house, a being or even an idea. If we are bothered by possessions we cannot really live either from without or from within; we are the possession of our possessions. All wars and most loves come from the possessive instinct. Why grab possessions like thieves, or divide them like socialists when you can ignore them like wise men: that you may belong to everything and everything be yours inclusive of yourself. &lt;br /&gt; Could we, and we can, have the vital necessities for all, we should do away with this cry of class and begin to differentiate between individuals.
* 2 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Lyle|Lyle]] 20:31, 29 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 (maybe 2.5) [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I assert that every [[Human|man]] is a partialist; that [[nature]] secures him as an instrument by self-conceit, preventing the tendencies to [[religion]] and [[science]]; and now further assert, that, each man's [[genius]] being nearly and affectionately explored, he is justified in his [[individuality]], as his nature is found to be immense; and now I add that every man is a [[universalist]] also, and, as our [[earth]], whilst it spins on its own axis, spins all the [[time]] around the [[sun]] through the celestial spaces, so the least of its [[rational]] [[children]], the most dedicated to his private affair, works out, though as it were under a disguise, the universal problem. We [[fancy]] men are individuals; so are [[pumpkins]]; but every pumpkin in the field, goes through every point of pumpkin [[history]].
| author = Ralph Waldo Emerson
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- {{quote of the day
| quote = We fancy men are individuals; so are pumpkins; but every pumpkin in the field, goes through every point of pumpkin history.
| author = Ralph Waldo Emerson
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:09, 31 October 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; but would extend this for context to read:
::: I assert that every man is a partialist; that nature secures him as an instrument by self-conceit, preventing the tendencies to religion and science; and now further assert, that, each man's genius being nearly and affectionately explored, he is justified in his individuality, as his nature is found to be immense; and now I add that every man is a universalist also, and, as our earth, whilst it spins on its own axis, spins all the time around the sun through the celestial spaces, so the least of its rational children, the most dedicated to his private affair, works out, though as it were under a disguise, the universal problem. We fancy men are individuals; so are pumpkins; but every pumpkin in the field goes through every point of pumpkin history. --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''From [[Ghouls|ghoulies]] and [[Ghosts|ghosties]], &lt;br /&gt; And long-leggedy [[Animals|beasties]], &lt;br /&gt; And things that go bump in the [[night]], &lt;br /&gt; [[Good]] [[God|Lord]], deliver us!''
| author = [[Anonymous|Anonymous]] [[w:Celts|Celtic]] [[prayer]]
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:46, 30 October 2020 (UTC) for this year's Halloween. --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''Fair youth, beneath the [[trees]], thou canst not leave &lt;br /&gt; Thy [[song]], nor ever can those trees be bare; &lt;br /&gt; Bold Lover, never, never canst thou [[kiss]], &lt;br /&gt; Though winning near the goal — yet, do not [[grieve]]; &lt;br /&gt; She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy [[bliss]], &lt;br /&gt; For ever wilt thou [[love]], and she be [[Beauty|fair]]!''
| author = John Keats
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 17:08, 30 October 2006 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:53, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 18:15, 30 October 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; 
* 3 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[Time]] engraves our [[faces]] with all the [[tears]] we have not shed.
| author = Natalie Clifford Barney
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:54, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:04, 31 October 2022 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 30 October 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2023
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;''In spite of all, &lt;br /&gt; Some shape of [[beauty]] moves away the pall &lt;br /&gt; From our [[dark]] [[spirits]].''
| author = John Keats
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:49, 30 October 2023 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2024 : ''[[October 31|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- ----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --&gt; 
----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
----
== Suggestions ==
&lt;!-- ; [[EVENTS OR HOLIDAYS ETC]]
:'''DOB''': [[]] · [[]] --&gt;
----

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. ~ [[Aleister Crowley]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:29, 27 October 2007 (UTC) — a bit of pagan expression for [[w:Samhain|Samhain]]/All Hallow's Eve/[[w:Halloween|Halloween]].
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:49, 30 October 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:53, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

----

If we keep an open mind, too much is likely to fall into it. ~ [[Natalie Clifford Barney]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:54, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

----

The advantage of love at first sight is that it delays a second sight. ~ [[Natalie Clifford Barney]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:54, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:19, 18 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 13:17, 27 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 14:43, 30 October 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 30 October 2008 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a pumpkin. It's realistically the only vegetable you can use as a weapon, or in any manner of defense.
| author = Chris Walla
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a very strong lean towards 4.

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.
| author = Henry David Thoreau
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC)

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{{quote of the day
| quote = I don't know how to tell it—but ef such a thing could be &lt;br&gt; As the angels wantin' boardin', and they'd call around on me —&lt;br&gt; I'd want to 'commodate 'em—all the whole-indurin' flock—&lt;br&gt; When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock.
| author = James Whitcomb Riley
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a strong lean towards 4.

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = It's the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]], Charlie Brown!
| author = [[Charles M. Schulz]] ~ &lt;br&gt; in &lt;br&gt; ~ ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a lean towards 4.
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = Not again! Writing a letter to a stupid [[pumpkin]]?! You make me the laughingstock of the neighborhood! All they talk about is my little brother, who always writes to the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]. You better cut it out right now or I'll pound you!
| author = [[Charles M. Schulz]] ~ &lt;br&gt; in &lt;br&gt; ~ ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 27 October 2012 (UTC) with a lean towards 4.

----
I am here today, I may not be here tomorrow. But the responsibility to look after [[w:National interest|national interest]] is on the shoulder of every [[w:Citizen of India|citizen of India]]. I have often mentioned this earlier. Nobody knows how many attempts have been made to shoot me, lathis have been used to beat me. In [[w:Bhubaneswar|Bhubaneswar]] itself, a brickbat hit me. They have attacked me in every possible manner. I do not care whether I [[live]] or [[die]]. I have lived a long [[life]] and I am [[proud]] that I spend the whole of my life in the service of my people. I am only proud of this and nothing else. I shall continue to serve until my last breath and when I die, I can say, that every drop of my [[blood]] will invigorate [[India]] and strengthen it. ~ [[Indira Gandhi]]. On her death anniversary on 31 October
*4 [[User:Nvvchar|Nvvchar]] ([[User talk:Nvvchar|talk]]) 16:34, 5 October 2014 (UTC)
* 2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:54, 30 October 2014 (UTC) but thus far a very weak 2, as I generally much prefer quotes for Halloween on this date.

----
Boasting a rich, complex [[history]] rooted in [[w:Celtic|Celtic]] and [[w:Christian ritual|Christian ritual]], Halloween has evolved from [[w:Ethnic|ethnic]] [[w:Celebration|celebration]] to a blend of street festival, fright night, and vast commercial enterprise...Drawing on a fascinating array of sources, from [[w:Classical history|classical history]] to [[w:Hollywood films|Hollywood films]],... it emerged from the [[w:Celtic festival|Celtic festival]] of [[w:Samhain|Samhain]] (summer's end), picked up elements of the [[Christian]] [[w:Allhallowtide|Hallowtide]] ([[w:All Saint's Day|All Saint's Day]] and [[w:All Soul's Day|All Soul's Day]]), arrived in [[w:North America|North America]] as an [[Irish]] and [[Scottish]] festival, and evolved into an unofficial but large-scale [[holiday]] by the early 20th century...Halloween is the [[w:Definitive|definitive]] [[history]] of the most bewitching day of the year, illuminating the intricate history and shifting cultural forces behind this enduring [[w:Trick-or-treating|trick-or-treat]] holiday. ~ [[w:Nicholas Rogers|Nicholas Rogers]]
*4 --[[User:Nvvchar|Nvvchar]] ([[User talk:Nvvchar|talk]]) 03:49, 27 October 2014 (UTC), for [[Halloween]] on 31 October
* 1 for now, but usable ONLY IF the author of ''Halloween: From Pagan Ritual to Party Night'' (Oxford University Press, 2003) is clearly identified as a person with a Wikiquote or Wikipedia article &lt;s&gt; 0 until a definite source is found to a clearly identified individual &quot;Nicholas Rogers&quot; — rather than an unsourced quote attributed to an array of potential authors by such name &lt;/s&gt; — and then I could rank it a 2 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:54, 30 October 2014 (UTC) — + revisions ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 18:15, 30 October 2021 (UTC) 
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{{quote of the day
| quote = Some think I have lost that poetical ardour and fire 'tis said I once had — the fact is, perhaps I have; but, instead of that, I hope I shall substitute a more thoughtful and quiet power.
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:49, 30 October 2023 (UTC); with a very strong lean toward 4.

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{{quote of the day
| quote = Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced — Even a proverb is no proverb to you till your Life has illustrated it.
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest.
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = The Genius of Poetry must work out its own salvation in a man: It cannot be matured by law and precept, but by sensation and watchfulness in itself — That which is creative must create itself &lt;!-- — In Endymion, I leaped headlong into the sea, and thereby have become better acquainted with the Soundings, the quicksands, and the rocks, than if I had stayed upon the green shore, and piped a, silly pipe, and took tea and comfortable advice. --&gt;…  I was never afraid of failure; for I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest.
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC)

----
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''He ne'er is crown'd &lt;br /&gt; With immortality, who fears to follow &lt;br /&gt; Where airy voices lead.''
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC)

----
{{quote of the day
| quote = ''For to bear all naked truths, &lt;br /&gt; And to envisage circumstance, all calm, &lt;br /&gt; That is the top of sovereignty.''
| author = John Keats
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:44, 30 October 2024 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt;But extended for context to read:
:: ''Now comes the pain of truth, to whom 'tis pain; &lt;br /&gt; O folly! for to bear all naked truths, &lt;br /&gt; And to envisage circumstance, all calm, &lt;br /&gt; That is the top of sovereignty Mark well!'' 

----
{{quote of the day
| quote = A poet is the most unpoetical of anything in existence; because he has no identity — he is continually informing — and filling some other body.
| author = John Keats
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:40, 31 October 2023 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>56yqaz38977whr8otvdvhrdljvnudbr</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Shark Tale</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>28634</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607022</id>
      <parentid>3596044</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:51:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.212.50.148</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="44543" sha1="63y7h2joxmqsozzywcvkqf5gtx7g85y" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shark Tale|Shark Tale]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. It stars the voices of [[Will Smith]], [[Angelina Jolie]], [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]], [[Jack Black]], [[Martin Scorsese]], and [[Robert De Niro]].
:''Directed by Bibo Bergenson, [[Vicky Jenson]] and Rob Letterman. Written by Michael J. Wilson and Rob Letterman.''
{{center|'''Behind every little fish is a great white lie.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines; DreamWorks with scene logos Boy throwing a fishing pole worm tied hook hold clouds wake water of worm shadow of Lenny of little worm]''
:'''Lenny''': Hi. I'm Lenny. Oh, little buddy, did I scare you? I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up. Okay, don't worry about it, I'm gonna get you out in a jiffy, you just keep holding your breath, little wormy.
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Yo, Lenny!
:'''Lenny''': Oh! I'm coming, Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Well, move it, come on, Pop's waiting for us.
:'''Lenny''': ''[He finally unties the worm]'' There we go, and- Gotcha! Okay, you're free now, just go. Go on, buddy, cry freedom. ''[He turns to see Frankie scowling] AHH!'' Ugh, you almost gave me a heart attack!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny, what are you doing?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, I was just... ''[he grabs a bundle of flowers]'' picking you some flowers. ''[Frankie slaps them out of Lenny's hand]'' Hey, mom said it's not okay to hit. ''[Frankie smacks his shoulders]'' Aah!
:'''Frankie''': Mom's not here. ''[he swims away, humming the JAWS theme]''
:'''Lenny''': Don't. ''Don't.'' Ugh, that song gives me the creeps.
:'''Frankie''': Whadda ya mean? It's our theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Katie Current''': ''[to the crew offscreen]'' Are they gone? Are they gone? Are you sure? ''[looks at the camera]'' Good morning, Southeast Reef! I'm Katie Current keeping it current! I just received confirmation that the sharks are gone. I repeat, the sharks are gone.
:''[All the fishes swim freely as the title &quot;Shark Tale&quot; appears]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Shrimp''': Yep. It's fake.
:'''Clam''': Fake?! I worked eight years on that!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Hi, I'm Oscar. You might think you know, but you have no idea. ''[rap music]'' Welcome to my crib. The good life, the way the other half lives. Check it out, I got my 60&quot; inch high-def, flatscreen TV with 6-speaker surround-sound, CD, DVD, Xbox, GameCube and PlayStation hook-up, and an 8-track player for days when you're feeling just a little... ''[beatbox]'' old school. ''[laughs]'' 'Cause even a superstar Mack daddy fish like me has to have the necessities.
:'''Shorty 1''': ''[appears]'' Yeah, like money!
:''[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]''
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Shorties, why you messin' with my fantasy?
:'''Shorty 2''': 'Cause you're so broke, your baloney has no first name.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Yo, Crazy Joe!
:'''Crazy Joe''': Now that you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
:'''Oscar''': That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.
:'''Crazy Joe''': You live in a billboard? And they call ''me'' crazy! ''[laughs insanely while floating away with an umbrella]''
:'''Shorty 1''': Hey, Oscar! Look who came to visit!
:'''Oscar''': ''[turns around and freaks out]'' YAAH!!!
:''[They shorties spray-painted the billboard with a pic of Oscar being devoured by a shark bursting through the penthouse floor]''
:'''Shorties''': ''[laughing]'' Gotcha!
:'''Oscar''': No, don't do that! Shouldn't you kids be in school?
:'''Shorty 2''': Shouldn't you be at work?
:'''Oscar''': Right back at me, eh? Little smart mouth? Now I'm on my way and y'all stay outta trouble. ''[turns back to the graffiti]'' And clean that stuff up!
:'''Shorty 3''': See ya!
:''[The Shorties continue to spray paint the billboard]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Angie''': Good morning. May I help you?
:'''Whale''': One wash and mouth, please.
:'''Angie''': Hot wax?
:'''Whale''': Please
:'''Angie''': Kelp Scrape. We're having special, whaddya say?
:'''Whale''': Why not? It's mating season, and I'm feelin' lucky! ''[leaves]''
:''[Phone rings]''
:'''Angie''': Whale of the wash, and the price... ''[blissful sigh]'' Oh, my gosh. ''[camera pans to Angie doodling her crush on Oscar]'' May I suggest a barnacle peel? Removes lines and salt damage. Good.
:'''Oscar''': ''[enters]'' Hey, Ang.
:'''Angie''': OH, MY GOSH! ''[quickly hides her secret paper]'' Hi Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Thanks for covering for me. ''[over the phone]'' Angie needs to get her freak on! Please hold for one moment. Thanks, doll! ''[hangs up]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Ang! Dance with me, mama! ♪Tomorrow I'll be rich!♪
:'''Angie''': Oscar! You're gonna get me fired!
:'''Oscar''': You? Fired? ''[scoffs]'' That can't happen, 'cause then I'd have absolutely NO reason to come to work.
:'''Angie''': ''[sheepishly]'' Oh, you don't mean that.
:'''Oscar''': 'Course I do. You're, like, my best friend.
:''[Angie gasps; then when Oscar's not looking, dramatically pretends to jab herself in the heart with her pen. When Oscar turns back to her, she quickly hides the pen with a sheepish giggle]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The record player gets stuck while Lino talks with Sykes]''
:'''Don Lino''': Luca.
:'''Luca''': ''[moves the needle; the record player plays &quot;Baby Got Back&quot; by Six Mix-a-Lot; Luca quickly moves the needle again and it cuts off]'' Hey, Boss, big butts! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Don Lino''': Oy vey!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what, and what?
:'''Sykes''': What?
:'''Don Lino''': What &quot;what&quot;?
:'''Sykes''': &quot;What, what&quot; nothin'. You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': I didn't say what first. I asked ''you'' what.
:'''Sykes''': No, you said &quot;And then what?&quot;, and I said &quot;What?&quot;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[confused]'' No, I said &quot;what what&quot;, like what, what?
:'''Sykes''': ''[pausebuster]'' You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[annoyed]'' Now you're making fun of me?
:'''Sykes''': ''[hastily]'' No, no, no, no, you misunderstood!
:''[His sons arrived]''
:'''Frankie''': Sorry we're late, Pop. Lenny had an accident. He was born.
:'''Lenny''': ''[sarcastic laughter]'' You're a comic genius.
:'''Sykes''': Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.
:'''Don Lino''': My Lenny ''is'' a killer! Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
:''[Lino and Sykes both notice Lenny obliviously spinning around on his chair; Frankie shakes his head]''
:'''Sykes''': Huh?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[more annoyed]'' That's it! That's IT! You are OUT!
:'''Sykes''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[inflates; high pitched]'' Whaddya mean I'm &quot;out&quot;?!
:'''Don Lino''': You're fired! ''[pushes Sykes; Sykes screams and lands on a picture across the room]'' And on top of that, you're gonna have to start paying me!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high pitched]'' For what?!
:'''Don Lino''': So nothing happens to that little Whale Wash of yours.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[while shoveling the slime off the whale's tongue]'' Welcome to Oscar's crib. 60 foot slime-covered tongues, canker sewers, swimming cavities and plankton-encrusted teeth when I'm feelin' a little old school!
:'''Pontrelli''': Oh Oscar, stop your moaning! It could be a lot worse.
:'''Oscar''': Sure. I could have this job, and look like you! ''[laughs]'' Good one, huh? ''[sudden rumbling]'' Uh-oh...indigestion...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
:''[Workers start scattering]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait! Headphone guy's still in there!
:''[Headphone Guy is cleaning the whale, oblivious to the rumbling]''
:'''Oscar''': I GOT YOU, HEADPHONE GUY! ''[he and Headphone Guy brace themselves on the whale's uvula]''
:''[The scrubbers peak when...the whale lets out a small belch, sending some slime onto Oscar. The worker's laugh]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[groans as he rubs the slime off him]'' Still think it could be worse?!
:'''Pontrelli''': Yeah! I could look like you!
:'''Oscar''': Funny! Well, see if you laugh at THIS! ''[throws slimeball at Pontrelli, who ducks with a laugh, and it hits instructor Johnson, causing him to stagger around and accidentally hit a button that sprays soap in the whale's eye, causing the whale to scream in agony]'' SOAP IN THE EYE! ''[presses emergency buttons; the grabbers grab the screaming whale very tightly; quickly cleans the whale's eye]'' It's alright. I'll get you a free hot wax and all that. Carry on, Big Baby.
:'''Whale''': Thanks, Oscar. ''[swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
:'''Oscar''': How do you figure that?
:'''Sykes''': Simple - the food chain! ''[pulls out chart]'' On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
:'''Oscar''': And that's me!
:'''Sykes''': No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
:'''Oscar''': And then me!
:'''Sykes''': I'm getting there, I'm getting there...There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
:'''Oscar''': That's messed up.
:'''Sykes''': So if Don Lino's squeezing me... he's squeezing ''you!''
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[the chart suddenly pulls up, catching Sykes in the chin]''
:'''Ernie''': Easy, boss. Find a happy place.
:'''Sykes''': There ''is'' no happy place with him around! ''[agitated he puffs up; higher pitched] I'm SERIOUS!''
:'''Oscar''': AH! Alright, look! Just give me another chance-! I-I'm ''begging'' you, Sykes please! Please!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high-pitched]'' All right. ''[deflates]'' 'Cause I like you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.
:'''Oscar''': All of it? How am I supposed to do that?
:'''Sykes''': That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the track tomorrow, or else.
:'''Oscar''': Or else what?
:'''Sykes''': The boys will explain. ''[exits his office]''
:''[Ernie and Bernie approach Oscar while grinning and laughing in a threatening manner; cut to black as they sting him as a warning]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[offscreen]'' Unpleasant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[voiceover]'' He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget.
:'''Male Fish Student''': ''[in memory]'' Oscar's dad's a tongue scrubber! 
:'''Fish Students''': ''[in memory]'' Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' What do you mean you don't understand? What's there to understand? We've been over this 1,000 times. I don't want to have to say it again. You know, you're giving me agita, you know that. I don't know what else to say. Lenny, you see something, you kill it, you eat it. Period. ''[to the waiter]'' Thanks. ''[to Lenny]'' That's what sharks do. That's a fine tradition. What's the matter with you? Your brother, Frankie, here, he's a killer.
:'''Frankie''': Thanks, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': He's beautiful. He does what he's supposed to do. ''[to Frankie]'' Wipe your face. ''[to Lenny]'' But you...I'm hearin' things. You gotta understand when you look weak, it makes me look weak.
:'''Lenny''': I know. 
:'''Don Lino''': I can't have that. 
:'''Lenny''': Pop, I'm sorry.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny. Lenny. Look at me. Look at me. This handing over the business is for you. It's for the both of you. A-And you're acting like you don't even want it. ''[Lenny shrugs]'' I need to know you can handle that. ''[sighs; He spots some shrimp in a glass, and glances back at Lenny]'' Alright, alright. ''[picks up the shrimp]'' Right here in front of me now, eat this.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whimpers]'' Oh, gee, thanks, Pop. Here's the thing. I'm on a diet. And I read an article about these shrimps, they're not good for ya. I tell you. You know how many calories are in one of those shrimps? A lot.
:'''The Shrimp''': ''[to Don Lino]'' It's true. It's true and the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over because she passed away, and then the baby lost its legs, and its arms and now he's nothing but a stump, but I still take care of it with my wife and it's growing and it's fairly happy, but it's difficult 'cause I've been working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table, but all the love and I see that little guy's face makes worth it in the end. ''[mini pauses]'' True story.
:''[Lenny wipes his tears with a sniff]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not asking you anymore. I'm telling you. Eat it!
:'''The Shrimp''': No, have mercy!
:'''Lenny''': Pop, please...
:'''Don Lino''': Eat!
:'''The Shrimp''': No eat!
:'''Lenny''': What are ya...No!
:'''Don Lino''': Son, eat the shrimp! Please!
:'''Lenny''': No, please.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny! Eat, eat, eat!
:'''Lenny''': PUT THE SHRIMP DOWN! ''[grabs the other shrimp and lets them all go]'' Go now. No one's looking. Get out of here. You're free now, go on. Go. Go.
:'''The Shrimp''': Thank you. You're a good person. ''[glares at Lino, cracking his knuckles with a punches, then gestures to some other shrimp]'' Come on, fellas. ''[they all left with him]''
:''[Don Lino is angry]''
:'''Frankie''': Pop, I can handle the reef. It's not a problem.
:'''Don Lino''': No. No. We're gonna do this as a family. Frankie, I want you to take Lenny out, and show him the ropes.
:'''Frankie''': Oh, come on, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' Son, you're gonna learn how to be a shark. Whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Upon hearing about Lucky Day at the Seahorse Racetrack]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[excitedly]'' Top of the Reef, here I come! ''[stops himself]'' No, no, remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?
:''[In Oscar's fantasy]''
:'''Angie''': Dreams can begin small. You just have to...''bet it all!'' ''BET IT ALL!''
:'''Announcer''': ''And Lucky Day wins!''
:''[Oscar imagines himself living the high-life, then it cuts back to him holding the money. It cuts back to him slamming the money on the table]''
:'''Oscar''': ''5,000 ON LUCKY DAY TO WIN!''
:'''Bet-taking Fish''': That's 2,000 to 1. That would pay a million clams!
:'''Oscar''': ''[takes his ticket]'' Well I guess that makes me, Oscar...''The Millionaire.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': Look, deep down, I'm really superficial. ''[pulls Oscar close as if to kiss him]'' And don't get me wrong: you're cute, but... ''[whispers as she pushes him away]'' you're a nobody. ''[leaves]''
:''[Oscar became stunned]''
:'''Ernie''': ''[pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Oscar, you're cute, but you're a nobody.
:'''Bernie''': ''[pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Wait. Lola. Come back. I'm not a nobody. I'm a wiener!
:''[They both laugh, much to Oscar's annoyance]''
:'''Sykes''': You unbelievable. You're in trouble up to you gills. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is bound and gagged with seaweed while Ernie and Bernie stings him for fun]''
:'''Ernie and Bernie''': ''[singing]''
:[[Bob Marley|Don't worry&lt;br /&gt;About a thing&lt;br /&gt;'Cause every little thing&lt;br /&gt;Is gonna be all right.]]
:'''Ernie''': This is how you sing it, Oscar.
:'''Bernie''': Yeah.
:'''Ernie''': Sykes, he like you, mon.
:'''Bernie''': He say take it easy on you.
:'''Ernie''': But Sykes is not here. ''[laughs]''
:'''Bernie''': True.
:'''Bernie''': Ernie, let me ask you a question.
:'''Ernie''': Yeah, mon? Go on.
:'''Bernie''': Why is it that me locks can sting other people, but they do not affect me or you? ''[zaps Ernie, who screams]'' Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie! I didn't mean it, mon! Oh, my Ernie! ''[Ernie laughs]'' Ernie, you made a joke! Good one, mon! Respect!
:'''Ernie''': Respect!
:'''Bernie''': Bloodfire!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny... ''[coughs]'' Lenny, is that you?
:'''Lenny''': I'm here, Frankie.
:'''Frankie''': Come closer.
:'''Lenny''': Yes, what is it?
:'''Frankie''': I'm so cold.
:'''Lenny''': That's just because we're cold-blooded. ''[Frankie slaps his brother]'' OW!
:'''Frankie''': ''[last words]'' Moron. [dies]''
:'''Lenny''': Frankie, no. '''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''' ''[sobs]'' This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Frankie! How am I ever gonna explain this to Pop...? Oh, no! ''[swims away and passes Oscar, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Frankie]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finds Frankie dead behind him, thinks he's alive, and starts screaming crazily]'' Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be tripping! ''[makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]''
:'''Bernie''': Ow! What the...?!
:''[Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie all scream loudly; Oscar hides behind the dead Frankie]''
:'''Bernie''': ''[protesting]'' Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea!
:''[Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily. Then they were surprised]'' 
:'''Ernie''': Oscar? Did you kill that shark?
:'''Oscar''': ''[looks down at Frankie's body before having an idea]'' Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.
:'''Bernie''': What happened.
:'''Oscar''': Oh, you… you wanna know what happened. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Outside the Whale Wash, Oscar tells lies to the fishes about killing the shark]''
:'''Oscar''': Big ol' shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, &quot;You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?&quot;
:'''Angie''': Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
:'''Oscar''': Oh, right. So I say, &quot;You see this guy?&quot; ''[points at right bicep]'' &quot;Well, he has a brother who lives right over here.&quot; ''[points at left bicep]'' &quot;And I think it's time for a little...&quot;
:'''Oscar and Angie''': Family reunion!
:''[Everyone cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Feinberg''': He come out of nowhere, this guy. Calls himself... ''[turns around with a flourish]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[behind him]'' Ira, over here...
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[turns to face Lino, makes the flourish again]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': Where do I find him?
:'''Don Feinberg''': He lives on the South Side. That's all we could dig up. ''[to the other sharks]'' Any other requests?
:'''Don Lino''': Hey, Luca.
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[offscreen]'' How about that Titanic?
:'''Other Sharks''': ''[offscreen; groaning]'' Oh, please no! Not again!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Luca]'' Get Sykes. He knows that Reef better than anybody. I want to know all about this guy. I want to know what he does. I want to know where he eats. I want to know where he sleeps. He pops a gill, I want to know about it. Who is the Sharkslayer?
:'''Fish''': ''[offscreen]'' Here he is! ''[Oscar appears in the next scene]'' The Sharkslayer!
:''[The crowd cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': You know, Ang...Where I am now, this whole new life I got, and all my dreams coming true... In a weird kinda way, I never could have done it without you.
:'''Angie''': Oh, sure you could. Well, probably not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Random Fish''': ''[enters the penthouse while panicking]'' SHARKS! THE SHARKS ARE HERE!
:''[Everyone panics]''
:'''Oscar''': EVERYONE, GO HOME! SPEND THE LAST FEW HOURS Y'ALL HAVE WITH EACH OTHER! ''[everyone stops screaming and looks at him with a pause]'' Oh...I mean...that's how it used to be around here...but not since Oscar came to town!
:''[Everyone cheers as Oscar pretends to growl with the grunt while stepping in the elevator. And as soon the elevator doors closes, Oscar begins sobbing and wailing all the way down]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[to himself]'' Phew, that was close.
:'''Lenny''': ''[appears behind him]'' Super close. ''[in fear, Oscar looks up to see him above]'' Don't panic. ''[Oscar looks down, and is about to scream but his mouth is covered]'' Shhh! He could be anywhere!
:'''Oscar''': Who?
:'''Lenny:''' The Sharkslayer...
:'''Oscar''': ''[laughs]'' The Sharkslayer is not here.
:'''Lenny''': Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!
:'''Oscar''': ''[mockingly]'' Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one!
:'''Lenny''': Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sighs; slaps himself]'' You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the...the, uh...Don't cry. ''[cries in anguish]''
:'''Oscar''': No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.
:'''Lenny''': It's my fault...kinda...not really...but still. My brother...
:'''Oscar''': You just need a little time, man. Look, the...things'll work out.
:'''Lenny''': You think?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off...And you should just go home, Okay?
:'''Lenny''': Okay.
:'''Oscar''': Hey, good luck, dawg.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny laughs uproariously]''
:'''Oscar''': I'm the Sharkslayer, Oscar the Sharkslayer, this is what you, people say.
:'''Lenny''': ''[coming to a realization]'' Wait. You mean you...?
:'''Oscar''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lenny''': With the anchor... ''[gasps dramatically before smirking]'' Oh, you're a liar!
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[scoffs]'' Please, I didn't lie! ''[Lenny gives him an &quot;Oh, really?&quot; glare]'' Alright, I lied. But it was a little lie!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny are sneaking through Southside drain unseen]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' Alright, Lenny. follow my every move, and don't make a sound.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' You got it. ''[echoes]'' Oh an echo. ''[a little louder]'' Echooo! Now batting for the Southside Sharks #15- ''[Oscar slaps him]'' Ow! It's not okay to hit!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Gee, if Pop knew that, he'd ice you for sure.
:'''Oscar''': [chuckles] &quot;Ice?&quot; What's he, the Godfather or somethin'?
:'''Lenny''': Yeah.
:'''Oscar''': ''[still chuckling]'' Whaddya mean &quot;Yeah?&quot;
:'''Lenny''': Yeah, he is. ''[Oscar realizes this and gulps in fear as the background spins behind him]'' Hey. Are you alright?
:''[Then the background drops backwards to the ground, and the shark from Oscar's right gobbles him up. We pull back as it was revealed to be the video game that Ernie and Bernie are playing]''
:'''Bernie''': Oh, man. I told you.
:'''Ernie''': I'm doing it.
:'''Bernie''': X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger, down, square, square.
:'''Ernie''': Oh, double square! Respect.
:'''Bernie''': Respect.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sykes is talking to Lino over the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': Oh! Hey, Sykes.
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Oscar]'' Hey, hey, hey. There he is, my brother, my player, the Sharkslayer!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, whatever, Sykes, listen...
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Lino over the phone]'' And another thing: from now on, you're gonna have to start paying ME protection!
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, the deal is off. That shark I killed was Don Lino's son.
:'''Sykes''': I know! Ain't it great?
:'''Oscar''': Not if he finds out!
:'''Sykes''': What do you mean, &quot;find out&quot;? I've got him on the phone right now! ''[Oscar's eyes widen in fear]'' That's right, Lino. I've got the Sharkslayer right here in front of me.
:'''Oscar''': ''[throat gesture while shaking his head]'' Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
:'''Sykes''': ''[over the phone]'' And he's gonna slay you, and all your sharks.
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, shut up! '''''SHUT...UP!'''''
:'''Sykes''': Hey, hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! SHUT UP! ''[Oscar groans]'' What? Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
:'''Sykes''': Yeah, he's right here. ''[hands Oscar the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[quiet high-pitched voice]'' Hello?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[furious]'' &quot;Shut up&quot;? ''&quot;Shut up&quot;''?! You don't tell ''ME'' &quot;shut up&quot;, I tell ''YOU'' &quot;shut up&quot;! ''[as he talks, beeping is heard on the other side of the phone]'' What? Hello?
:'''Luca''': Yeah, how ya doin'? Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms-
:'''Don Lino''': ''[startled and annoyed]'' Luca?
:'''Luca''': Oh, hi, Boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?
:'''Don Lino''': '''''GET OFF THE PHONE!'''''
:'''Luca''': But I'm hungry! ''[reluctantly hangs up]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shakes his head in frustration, then returns his attention to Oscar]'' My guys are comin' for you, Sharkslayer! They're gonna tear you '''''FIN FROM FIN!''''' ''[slams the phone down, leaving Oscar frozen with horror]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still oblivious to Oscar]'' C'mon, now who's your puff daddy, huh? Who takes care of you, huh? Huh? ''[turns to Ernie and Bernie play the Sharkslayer video game]'' C'mon, you two. We've got work to do. ''[turns off the TV]''
:'''Ernie''': Aww! Mon, I was winning!
:'''Oscar''': ''[unsuccessfully tries to get Sykes' attention as the latter makes his way to the elevator]'' Sykes, Sykes, hold - Look, you've got it all wrong!
:'''Sykes''': They're gonna write songs about you, kid. ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the shark bites...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''With his teeth, dear.''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, please!
:'''Sykes''': ''And then Oscar...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''Kicked his butt.''
:''[The elevator closes in Oscar's face]''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes! Sykes, man! ''[attempts to open the elevator]'' Come on!
:'''Lola''': Maybe I can help. 
:'''Oscar''': Ooh. Hey, Lola. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar sneaks back to the storage room]''
:'''Angie''': ''[suddenly appears at the storage room door]'' Hello, Oscar.
:'''Oscar''': ''[screams; then catches his breath]'' Angie! Hey! W-what are you doin' here?
:'''Angie''': ''[innocently]'' What, Oscar, forget something?
:'''Oscar''': W-W-Well, I-I-I—
Angie: Maybe your forgot... [slams the door, revealing Lenny behind it']'' ...your shark?!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sipping the soda]'' Hi.
:'''Oscar''': Uh...SHARK! SWIM, ANGIE! I'LL COVER YA! GO ON WITHOUT ME!
:'''Angie''': Oh, stop it! Your pet shark told me everything!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' Dang, Lenny?! Why?!
:'''Lenny''': Don't look at me, I don't know! I like her!
:'''Angie''': ''[friendly]'' Thanks you too. ''[then furiously to Oscar]'' WHAT were you THINKING, bringing him here?!
:'''Oscar''': Well...I'm still working out the kinks...
:'''Angie''': Kinks?! You LIED! Everybody thinks you &quot;slayed the shark!&quot; How could you lie to me, Oscar?! ME?!
:'''Oscar''': Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY! ''[Angie glares at him]'' All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out, I got a small thing to take care of.
:'''Angie''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Oscar''': ''SHARKS'' are COMING to GET ME!
:'''Angie''': And they ''should''! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!
:'''Oscar''': Uh...yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the &quot;we&quot;? I don't want any part of this!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!
:'''Lenny''': Point taken. What's the plan?
:'''Angie''': Oscar, here's the plan. ''You'' tell the truth. ''[to Lenny]'' And ''you'', go home.
:''[Oscar and Lenny both stare at each other and then they both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is pretending to battle Lenny in front of the fish city]''
:'''Oscar''': Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!
:'''Lenny''': They love ''you''. They hate ''me''!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lenny''': Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it coming!
:'''Oscar''': Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! ''[Lenny nods his head understandingly]'' Now gimme a growl!
:'''Lenny''': Okay. ''[purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face]'' Like that?
:'''Oscar''': That was...pretty good!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[on the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV]'' I don't think you understand how huge my client is. Turn on your TV right now!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn off the TV! Turn off the TV!
:''[Back to Lenny]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[from inside Lenny's mouth]'' Don't...swallow.
:'''Lenny''': Oscar?
:'''Oscar:''': No, it's Pinocchio. OF COURSE IT'S ME! Why did you do that?!
:'''Lenny''': I'm sorry...
:'''Oscar''': No, &quot;sorry&quot; is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's &quot;sorry&quot;! &quot;Sorry&quot; is when you say &quot;Hey, when's the baby due?&quot; and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as ''far away from &quot;sorry&quot;'' as you can ''possibly'' get!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
:'''Oscar''': Oh, no, no, no, no...Lenny, just open up, nice and easy. ''[Lenny opens his mouth very slowly as he pretends to free himself in front of the crowd]'' [[w:Gladiator (film)|ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!]] ''[the crowd cheers]'' [[w:A Few Good Men (film)|YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!]] ''[the crowd cheers again]'' [[w:Jerry Maguire|YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!]]
:''[The crowd cheers again; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV?! Turn it back on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny perform &quot;The Flying Fish&quot; as Oscar throws Lenny, who screamed, at the lights]''
:'''Lenny''': ''[falls down to the abyss with a slow motion scream, then normal]'' CURSE YOU, SHARKSLAYEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! ''[then swims next to the pipe, screams once more, then notices the echo, and snorts]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[rolls his eyes, then swims upwards; to Luca and the other sharks]'' And you tell Don ''LAME''-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! EVER! ''[they swim away in fear]'' Remember this name: '''''OSCAR THE SHARKSLAYER!'''''
:''[The crowd cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Angie sees Oscar kissing Lola]''
:'''Angie''': PRIVATE?! The entire reef saw you do it!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, whoa. Somebody's in a bad mood. C'mon, Ang, lemme see that smile. Show me the smile, baby—
:'''Angie''': Knock it off!
:'''Oscar''': Eh...What has gotten into you?
:'''Angie''': ME?! Oh, I swear, something I wanna take you big dumb dummy head and just... ''[punching her hand]'' Nnnyyyhh!!!
:'''Oscar''': Ang, Ang, what is the problem?  
:'''Angie''': Problem?! There's no problem! I don't need any problem! Miss Perfect is the one with the problem!
:'''Lenny''': Um, hey, you guys.
:'''Oscar''': What you got against Lola?
:'''Angie''': Not my lips. That's for sure. 
:'''Oscar''': Okay. What's going on?
:'''Lenny''': I'm gonna stay out of this one. 
:'''Oscar''': Look, Why would you even care about Lola anyway.  
:'''Angie''': I don't!
:'''Oscar''': Ya don't. 
:'''Angie''': No!
:'''Oscar''': No what?!
:'''Angie''': I don't know!
:'''Lenny''': Hey guys, you wanna get...
:'''Oscar and Angie''': NO!
:'''Angie''': Just tell me, Oscar, 'cause I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you believe she would even be with you if you weren't the rich and famous sharkslayer?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, you guys, please don't fight.
:'''Angie''': Are you that blind?!
:'''Oscar''': At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
:'''Angie''': Yeah, but would she love you if you were nobody?!
:'''Oscar''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOBODY LOVED ME WHEN I WAS NOBODY!'''''
:'''Angie''': ''[emotional]'' '''I DID!''' ''[Oscar is stunned; sadly swims her back on him]'' Before the money...And before the fame. ''[turns back to Oscar]'' Before the lie. To me, you were a somebody, Oscar. Now you're nothing but a fake. A sham. A con. You're a joke.
:''[Oscar felt hurt at Angie's words, Angie looked down]''
:'''Lenny''': Here I come... ''[pops out from behind the curtains]'' Ta-da! ''[singsong]'' Sebastian the Whale-Washing Dolphin! ''[mimics dolphin clicks, but looks at them when calming down]''
:'''Oscar''': Angie...
:'''Angie''': No, forget it! Just go! 'Cause I'm tired of hearing how everything you had in your life wasn't good enough. Including me.
:''[Oscar then sadly swims away]''
:'''Lenny''': Angie?
:'''Angie''': Oh, honey, I'm...I'm sorry. Go...Go back and do it again.
:'''Lenny''': Hey, come on. ''[wipes her tears away]'' It'll be okay.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[realizing he loves Angie more than Lola]'' You know, I don't think this is gonna work out.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles, but then stops]'' Wait. Are you dumping me? ''[Oscar sadly nods, but gasps as she gives him a livid glare]'' Let me explain something to you!
:''[Cut to inside]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[dancing with a fish girl]'' We're gonna party like it's your birthday... ''[they suddenly hear a thudding sound and see Lola whacking Oscar against the windows with a thunk]'' Ha! Young Love! ''[he and the other partygoers laugh]''
:''[Lola slams Oscar one more time and sulks away. Oscar slowly slides down, his saliva leaving an impression of a heart implanted on the window]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Four Tops: &quot;I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)&quot;]''
:'''Lenny''': Hey, Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, I can't talk. I gotta find Angie. I need to tell her...I love her!
:'''Man''': ''[singing] You come and you go...''
:'''Male Fish''': Way to go, Oscar.

&lt;hr widht=50%/&gt;
:'''Bernie''': Whale Wash you get a whale of a wash..
:'''Ernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' And the price is...very very low. Considering how good the wash is!
:'''Sykes''': ''[annoyed]'' Look, look, look! For the last time, it's &quot;Whale Wash: You get a whale of a wash, and the price - Oh, my gosh&quot;!
:'''Ernie''': Got it. ''[phone rings]'' Whale Wash...
:'''Bernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' Rhymes with &quot;gosh&quot;.
:''[Bernie and Ernie laugh]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[steamed]'' That's it! Get outta here! Go be useless somewhere else!
:''[Bernie and Ernie swim away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[answering the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Luca''': Is this the Sharkslayer?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. Who's this?
:'''Luca''': Hi, this is Luca the Octopu...I mean...forget about it. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package... ''[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie...]'' That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' Who is it?
:'''Oscar''': Shh.
:'''Luca''': Be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes... ''[Oscar's confused]'' ...the DEAD ones! ''[Oscar became shocked]'' Now nod your head if you understand. ''[Oscar nods his head]'' Now tell me if you nodded your head.
:'''Oscar''': I nodded. ''[they both hang up]'' They got Angie. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Angie. This is all my fault.
:'''Sykes''': That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.
:''[As Oscar noticed Angie's love drawing on the clipboard]''
:'''Lenny''': They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[after a moment of silence; determined]'' Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Angie, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, &quot;Hi, Pop, I'm a dolphin!&quot;
:'''Sykes''': ''[surprised]'' Lenny?
:'''Lenny''': &quot;But my friend, the shark-scarer is a fake here now&quot;
:'''Sykes''': Fake?
:'''Lenny''': Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!
:'''Sykes''': ''[laughs]'' This is not a joke, huh, Oscar? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Lino... ''[suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Lino]''
:'''Flashback Sykes''': ''[over phone]'' Shut up, Lino! Shut up! ''[Don Lino growls]''
:''[After flashback, Sykes inflates in a fit of panic]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Tell you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Lenny! Tell me you're a real Sharkslayer! Please!
:'''Oscar''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry, Sykes. I'm not. ''[his mood suddenly brightens as he remembers something]'' But the sharks don't know that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Lenny &quot;eats&quot; Angie]''
:'''Oscar''': Okay, new rules. Nobody, I repeat, nobody, makes a move without my OK. I am the Panama Canal, baby. From now on, everything ''[places a spoon on Giuseppe's nose]'' flows through me.
:'''Giuseppe''': Heh?! What'd he do?! What'd he do?! I can't see it!
:'''Oscar''': You don't lose a tooth, you don't grow one back without my okay, okay?
:'''Mako Shark''': ''[nervously]'' Okay.
:''[The swordfish sneezes, stuck to the table]''
:'''Oscar''': If you sneeze, you don't wipe that boogie without my okay, okay?
:'''Orca''': ''[scared]'' Okay.
:'''Oscar''': And you don't ''say'' &quot;okay&quot; without my okay? ''Okay?!''
:''[One of the whale faints, Lenny starts gagging]''
:'''Sykes''': Oh-Oh. Okay, thank you all for coming. We gotta go.
:'''Oscar''': One more thing. What's with all y'all living in the Love Boat?
:'''Sykes''': Oscar...
:'''Oscar''': Y'all are supposed to be the mob. Get yourselves a real hideout.
:'''Lenny''': ''[gagging]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Lino]'' And take a good look, Lino. It's ''over''. You're old school...!
:'''Sykes and Lenny''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': What?!
:''[Lenny makes a last gag and retches out Angie, a violin, a sidewalk sweeper, a radio box and a car license plate]''
:'''Lenny''': The horror! '''THE HORROR!''' ''[one of the sharks eat the license plate; retches out a beach ball]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[chuckles]'' Um, excuse me. ''[swims over to Angie]'' Ang, are you okay?
:'''Angie''': No, I am not okay! He ''ate'' me!
:'''Lenny''': I couldn't take it. The taste is killing me!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sees Lenny]'' Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? ''[hugs Lenny]'' I thought I lost you. ''[noticed his disguise]'' What are you wearing? Huh? What is that?
:''[Dejected, Lenny takes off his black and yellow scarf, then scrubs his nose with his sponge and takes off the red rubber band. The sharks gasps in assortment]''
:'''Luca''': Look, Boss, it's Lenny, he was wearing a disguise that can't make us recognize him, but now that Lenny wasn't wearing a disguise, we're all finally recognizing him.
:'''Lenny''': ''[still dejected]'' Hi, Pop...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[upset]'' Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Are you out of your ''mind''?! Do you have any idea how this looks?!
:'''Giuseppe''': ''[whispers to another shark]'' This is the best sit down I ever been to.
:'''Don Lino''': What are you doing with this guy?! He took out your old flesh and blood, Frankie!
:'''Lenny''': But Pop, just listen...
:'''Don Lino''': But nothing! You never take sides against the family! '''Ever!'''
:'''Oscar''': Hey, Don. Lino, Sir. Listen, it's not his fault. This is between you and me.
:'''Don Lino''': What did I ever do to ''YOU''?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! ''[turns angry]'' '''I'M GONNA GET YOU!'''
:''[Oscar shrieks, Don Lino starts chasing him]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar, look out!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, swim! ''[opens the door]'' Swim for your life!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[calling after Oscar]'' You're gonna regret the day you became the Sharkslayer!
:'''Shrimp''': ''[appears in another porthole]'' Well, well, well...look who's stuck in the porthole.
:'''Don Lino''': Huh?
:'''Shrimp''': You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends!
:''[A bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ernie''': Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price... ''[sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]'' OH MY GOSH!
:'''Bernie''': ''[not knowing]'' Hey, you got it right! ''[suddenly sees Don Lino also]''
:''[They swim away in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The crowd is cheering for Oscar for trapping Lino and Lenny in the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finally having enough]'' '''STOP! ''I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRER!!!!''''' ''[the crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief, and Angie stops to look back]'' I lied.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[tearfully]'' And I'm not a real financial adviser!
:'''Oscar''': ''[awkwardly]'' Okay... ''[to Don Lino]'' It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.                 
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' If that's true, why did you run away?           
:'''Lenny''': Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Don Lino]'' ''What'' is your ''problem''?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So ''what''?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had...until I lost it.
:''[Unnoticed by him, Angie looks moved in the background]''               
:'''Don Lino''': ''[close to tears]'' Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?
:'''Lenny''': ''[smiles tearfully]'' Oh, Pop.
:''[Oscar frees Lino and Lenny from the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Don Lino''': Come here, you. ''[hugs Lenny]'' I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.
:'''Angie''': ''[appears]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[sees her]'' Angie? Oh, Angie. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I mean...I wish you knew...what I knew...before this...
:'''Crazy Joe''': You're blowin' it, man!
:'''Oscar''': Mind your business, alright?! It's emotional...and it's pressure! ''[turns back to Angie]'' What I'm sayin' is...I didn't need the Top of the Reef. Everything I ever wanted...was right in front of me the whole time.
:'''Angie''': But what about being a somebody?
:'''Oscar''': I'm a nobody without you. ''[Angie smiles. Crazy Joe pulls out his puppets making kissing noises]'' Not helping. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Angie''': Oh. Come here, you big dumb, dummy head! ''[kisses Oscar]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.
:'''Don Lino''': I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!
:'''Sykes''': That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.
:'''Don Lino''': Yo?
:'''Sykes''': Yo, what's up?
:'''Don Lino''': What's up with what?
:'''Sykes''': Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[threatening]'' Hey, you say &quot;Yo&quot; one more time, and I'm gonna yo you!
:'''Sykes''': ''[stops]'' I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[arrives at Oscar's former penthouse]'' Hello? Hello? Oscar? Listen, Baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back.
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[appears in front of Lola]'' Did someone say ''crazy''?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': Hey! You gonna eat the rest of your popcorn? ''[eats the popcorn, groaning]'' Too much butter! Hey! A nacho! ''[eats the nacho]''

&lt;hr widths=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[flies up to the end credits]'' You're not even halfway done yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Last lines; after the credits]''
:'''Mrs. Sanchez''': ''[opens the window; to the viewers]'' What're you still doin' here?! Get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime! ''[shuts the window]''
:''[Fades to black]''

==Taglines==
* In Fall, A New School Will Rule.
* The Story of What Happens When One Little Fish Tells a Great White Lie...
* Behind Every Little Fish is a Great White Lie.
* A New School's Gonna Rule...

==Cast==
* [[Will Smith]] — Oscar
* [[Robert De Niro|Robert de Niro]] — Don Lino
* [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]] — Angie
* [[Jack Black]] — Lenny
* [[Angelina Jolie]] — Lola
* [[Martin Scorsese]] — Sykes
* [[Ziggy Marley]] &amp; [[w:Doug E. Doug|Doug E. Doug]] — Ernie and Bernie
* [[w:Michael Imperioli|Michael Imperioli]] — Frankie
* [[w:Vincent Pastore|Vincent Pastore]] — Luca
* [[w:Peter Falk|Peter Michael Falk]] — Don Fienberg
* [[w:Katie Couric|Katie Couric]] — Katie Current
* David P. Smith — Crazy Joe

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0307453|title=Shark Tale}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=shark_tale|title=Shark Tale}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about death]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]
[[Category:Buddy films]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607037</id>
      <parentid>3607022</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:10:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="45282" sha1="ifvjtcumb8lxg2xs6v5oiwcbrhupr2h" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shark Tale|Shark Tale]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. It stars the voices of [[Will Smith]], [[Angelina Jolie]], [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]], [[Jack Black]], [[Martin Scorsese]], and [[Robert De Niro]].
:''Directed by Bibo Bergenson, [[Vicky Jenson]] and Rob Letterman. Written by Michael J. Wilson and Rob Letterman.''
{{center|'''Behind every little fish is a great white lie.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines; DreamWorks with scene logos Boy throwing a fishing pole worm tied hook hold clouds wake water of worm shadow of Lenny of little worm]''
:'''Lenny''': Hi. I'm Lenny. Oh, little buddy, did I scare you? I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up. Okay, don't worry about it, I'm gonna get you out in a jiffy, you just keep holding your breath, little wormy.
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Yo, Lenny!
:'''Lenny''': Oh! I'm coming, Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Well, move it, come on, Pop's waiting for us.
:'''Lenny''': ''[He finally unties the worm]'' There we go, and- Gotcha! Okay, you're free now, just go. Go on, buddy, cry freedom. ''[He turns to see Frankie scowling] AHH!'' Ugh, you almost gave me a heart attack!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny, what are you doing?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, I was just... ''[he grabs a bundle of flowers]'' picking you some flowers. ''[Frankie slaps them out of Lenny's hand]'' Hey, mom said it's not okay to hit. ''[Frankie smacks his shoulders]'' Aah!
:'''Frankie''': Mom's not here. ''[he swims away, humming the JAWS theme]''
:'''Lenny''': Don't. ''Don't.'' Ugh, that song gives me the creeps.
:'''Frankie''': Whadda ya mean? It's our theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Katie Current''': ''[to the crew offscreen]'' Are they gone? Are they gone? Are you sure? ''[looks at the camera]'' Good morning, Southeast Reef! I'm Katie Current keeping it current! I just received confirmation that the sharks are gone. I repeat, the sharks are gone.
:''[All the fishes swim freely as the title &quot;Shark Tale&quot; appears]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Shrimp''': Yep. It's fake.
:'''Clam''': Fake?! I worked eight years on that!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Hi, I'm Oscar. You might think you know, but you have no idea. ''[rap music]'' Welcome to my crib. The good life, the way the other half lives. Check it out, I got my 60&quot; inch high-def, flatscreen TV with 6-speaker surround-sound, CD, DVD, Xbox, GameCube and PlayStation hook-up, and an 8-track player for days when you're feeling just a little... ''[beatbox]'' old school. ''[laughs]'' 'Cause even a superstar Mack daddy fish like me has to have the necessities.
:'''Shorty 1''': ''[appears]'' Yeah, like money!
:''[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]''
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Shorties, why you messin' with my fantasy?
:'''Shorty 2''': 'Cause you're so broke, your baloney has no first name.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Yo, Crazy Joe!
:'''Crazy Joe''': Now that you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
:'''Oscar''': That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.
:'''Crazy Joe''': You live in a billboard? And they call ''me'' crazy! ''[laughs insanely while floating away with an umbrella]''
:'''Shorty 1''': Hey, Oscar! Look who came to visit!
:'''Oscar''': ''[turns around and freaks out]'' YAAH!!!
:''[They shorties spray-painted the billboard with a pic of Oscar being devoured by a shark bursting through the penthouse floor]''
:'''Shorties''': ''[laughing]'' Gotcha!
:'''Oscar''': No, don't do that! Shouldn't you kids be in school?
:'''Shorty 2''': Shouldn't you be at work?
:'''Oscar''': Right back at me, eh? Little smart mouth? Now I'm on my way and y'all stay outta trouble. ''[turns back to the graffiti]'' And clean that stuff up!
:'''Shorty 3''': See ya!
:''[The Shorties continue to spray paint the billboard]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Angie''': Good morning. May I help you?
:'''Whale''': One wash and mouth, please.
:'''Angie''': Hot wax?
:'''Whale''': Please
:'''Angie''': Kelp Scrape. We're having special, whaddya say?
:'''Whale''': Why not? It's mating season, and I'm feelin' lucky! ''[leaves]''
:''[Phone rings]''
:'''Angie''': Whale of the wash, and the price... ''[blissful sigh]'' Oh, my gosh. ''[camera pans to Angie doodling her crush on Oscar]'' May I suggest a barnacle peel? Removes lines and salt damage. Good.
:'''Oscar''': ''[enters]'' Hey, Ang.
:'''Angie''': OH, MY GOSH! ''[quickly hides her secret paper]'' Hi Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Thanks for covering for me. ''[over the phone]'' Angie needs to get her freak on! Please hold for one moment. Thanks, doll! ''[hangs up]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Ang! Dance with me, mama! ♪Tomorrow I'll be rich!♪
:'''Angie''': Oscar! You're gonna get me fired!
:'''Oscar''': You? Fired? ''[scoffs]'' That can't happen, 'cause then I'd have absolutely NO reason to come to work.
:'''Angie''': ''[sheepishly]'' Oh, you don't mean that.
:'''Oscar''': 'Course I do. You're, like, my best friend.
:''[Angie gasps; then when Oscar's not looking, dramatically pretends to jab herself in the heart with her pen. When Oscar turns back to her, she quickly hides the pen with a sheepish giggle]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The record player gets stuck while Lino talks with Sykes]''
:'''Don Lino''': Luca.
:'''Luca''': ''[moves the needle; the record player plays &quot;Baby Got Back&quot; by Six Mix-a-Lot; Luca quickly moves the needle again and it cuts off]'' Hey, Boss, big butts! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Don Lino''': Oy vey!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what, and what?
:'''Sykes''': What?
:'''Don Lino''': What &quot;what&quot;?
:'''Sykes''': &quot;What, what&quot; nothin'. You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': I didn't say what first. I asked ''you'' what.
:'''Sykes''': No, you said &quot;And then what?&quot;, and I said &quot;What?&quot;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[confused]'' No, I said &quot;what what&quot;, like what, what?
:'''Sykes''': ''[pausebuster]'' You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[annoyed]'' Now you're making fun of me?
:'''Sykes''': ''[hastily]'' No, no, no, no, you misunderstood!
:''[His sons arrived]''
:'''Frankie''': Sorry we're late, Pop. Lenny had an accident. He was born.
:'''Lenny''': ''[sarcastic laughter]'' You're a comic genius.
:'''Sykes''': Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.
:'''Don Lino''': My Lenny ''is'' a killer! Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
:''[Lino and Sykes both notice Lenny obliviously spinning around on his chair; Frankie shakes his head]''
:'''Sykes''': Huh?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[more annoyed]'' That's it! That's IT! You are OUT!
:'''Sykes''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[inflates; high pitched]'' Whaddya mean I'm &quot;out&quot;?!
:'''Don Lino''': You're fired! ''[pushes Sykes; Sykes screams and lands on a picture across the room]'' And on top of that, you're gonna have to start paying me!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high pitched]'' For what?!
:'''Don Lino''': So nothing happens to that little Whale Wash of yours.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[while shoveling the slime off the whale's tongue]'' Welcome to Oscar's crib. 60 foot slime-covered tongues, canker sewers, swimming cavities and plankton-encrusted teeth when I'm feelin' a little old school!
:'''Pontrelli''': Oh Oscar, stop your moaning! It could be a lot worse.
:'''Oscar''': Sure. I could have this job, and look like you! ''[laughs]'' Good one, huh? ''[sudden rumbling]'' Uh-oh...indigestion...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
:''[Workers start scattering]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait! Headphone guy's still in there!
:''[Headphone Guy is cleaning the whale, oblivious to the rumbling]''
:'''Oscar''': I GOT YOU, HEADPHONE GUY! ''[he and Headphone Guy brace themselves on the whale's uvula]''
:''[The scrubbers peak when...the whale lets out a small belch, sending some slime onto Oscar. The worker's laugh]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[groans as he rubs the slime off him]'' Still think it could be worse?!
:'''Pontrelli''': Yeah! I could look like you!
:'''Oscar''': Funny! Well, see if you laugh at THIS! ''[throws slimeball at Pontrelli, who ducks with a laugh, and it hits instructor Johnson, causing him to stagger around and accidentally hit a button that sprays soap in the whale's eye, causing the whale to scream in agony]'' SOAP IN THE EYE! ''[presses emergency buttons; the grabbers grab the screaming whale very tightly; quickly cleans the whale's eye]'' It's alright. I'll get you a free hot wax and all that. Carry on, Big Baby.
:'''Whale''': Thanks, Oscar. ''[swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
:'''Oscar''': How do you figure that?
:'''Sykes''': Simple - the food chain! ''[pulls out chart]'' On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
:'''Oscar''': And that's me!
:'''Sykes''': No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
:'''Oscar''': And then me!
:'''Sykes''': I'm getting there, I'm getting there...There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
:'''Oscar''': That's messed up.
:'''Sykes''': So if Don Lino's squeezing me... he's squeezing ''you!''
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[the chart suddenly pulls up, catching Sykes in the chin]''
:'''Ernie''': Easy, boss. Find a happy place.
:'''Sykes''': There ''is'' no happy place with him around! ''[agitated he puffs up; higher pitched] I'm SERIOUS!''
:'''Oscar''': AH! Alright, look! Just give me another chance-! I-I'm ''begging'' you, Sykes please! Please!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high-pitched]'' All right. ''[deflates]'' 'Cause I like you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.
:'''Oscar''': All of it? How am I supposed to do that?
:'''Sykes''': That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the track tomorrow, or else.
:'''Oscar''': Or else what?
:'''Sykes''': The boys will explain. ''[exits his office]''
:''[Ernie and Bernie approach Oscar while grinning and laughing in a threatening manner; cut to black as they sting him as a warning]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[offscreen]'' Unpleasant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[voiceover]'' He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget.
:'''Male Fish Student''': ''[in memory]'' Oscar's dad's a tongue scrubber! 
:'''Fish Students''': ''[in memory]'' Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' What do you mean you don't understand? What's there to understand? We've been over this 1,000 times. I don't want to have to say it again. You know, you're giving me agita, you know that? I don't know what else to say. Lenny, you see something, you kill it, you eat it. Period. ''[to the waiter]'' Thanks. ''[to Lenny]'' That's what sharks do. That's a fine tradition. What's the matter with you? Your brother, Frankie, here, he's a killer.
:'''Frankie''': Thanks, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': He's beautiful. He does what he's supposed to do. ''[to Frankie]'' Wipe your face. ''[to Lenny]'' But you...I'm hearin' things. You gotta understand when you look weak, it makes me look weak.
:'''Lenny''': I know. 
:'''Don Lino''': I can't have that. 
:'''Lenny''': Pop, I'm sorry.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny. Lenny. Look at me. Look at me. This handing over the business is for you. It's for the both of you. A-And you're acting like you don't even want it. ''[Lenny shrugs]'' I need to know you can handle that. ''[sighs; He spots some shrimp in a glass, and glances back at Lenny]'' Alright, alright. ''[picks up the shrimp]'' Right here in front of me now, eat this.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whimpers]'' Oh, gee, thanks, Pop. Here's the thing. I'm on a diet. And I read an article about these shrimps, they're not good for ya. I tell you. You know how many calories are in one of those shrimps? A lot.
:'''The Shrimp''': ''[to Don Lino]'' It's true. It's true and the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over because she passed away, and then the baby lost its legs, and its arms and now he's nothing but a stump, but I still take care of it with my wife and it's growing and it's fairly happy, but it's difficult 'cause I've been working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table, but all the love and I see that little guy's face makes worth it in the end. ''[mini pauses]'' True story.
:''[Lenny wipes his tears with a sniff]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not asking you anymore. I'm telling you. Eat it!
:'''The Shrimp''': No, have mercy!
:'''Lenny''': Pop, please...
:'''Don Lino''': Eat!
:'''The Shrimp''': No eat!
:'''Lenny''': What are ya...No!
:'''Don Lino''': Son, eat the shrimp! Please!
:'''Lenny''': No, please.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny! Eat, eat, eat!
:'''Lenny''': PUT THE SHRIMP DOWN! ''[grabs the other shrimp and lets them all go]'' Go now. No one's looking. Get out of here. You're free now, go on. Go. Go.
:'''The Shrimp''': Thank you. You're a good person. ''[glares at Lino, cracking his knuckles with a punches, then gestures to some other shrimp]'' Come on, fellas. ''[they all left with him]''
:''[Don Lino is angry]''
:'''Frankie''': Pop, I can handle the reef. It's not a problem.
:'''Don Lino''': No. No. We're gonna do this as a family. Frankie, I want you to take Lenny out, and show him the ropes.
:'''Frankie''': Oh, come on, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' Son, you're gonna learn how to be a shark. Whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Upon hearing about Lucky Day at the Seahorse Racetrack]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[excitedly]'' Top of the Reef, here I come! ''[stops himself]'' No, no, remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?
:''[In Oscar's fantasy]''
:'''Angie''': Dreams can begin small. You just have to...''bet it all!'' ''BET IT ALL!''
:'''Announcer''': ''And Lucky Day wins!''
:''[Oscar imagines himself living the high-life, then it cuts back to him holding the money. It cuts back to him slamming the money on the table]''
:'''Oscar''': ''5,000 ON LUCKY DAY TO WIN!''
:'''Bet-taking Fish''': That's 2,000 to 1. That would pay a million clams!
:'''Oscar''': ''[takes his ticket]'' Well I guess that makes me, Oscar...''The Millionaire.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': Look, deep down, I'm really superficial. ''[pulls Oscar close as if to kiss him]'' And don't get me wrong: you're cute, but... ''[whispers as she pushes him away]'' you're a nobody. ''[leaves]''
:''[Oscar became stunned]''
:'''Ernie''': ''[pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Oscar, you're cute, but you're a nobody.
:'''Bernie''': ''[pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Wait. Lola. Come back. I'm not a nobody. I'm a wiener!
:''[They both laugh, much to Oscar's annoyance]''
:'''Sykes''': You unbelievable. You're in trouble up to you gills. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is bound and gagged with seaweed while Ernie and Bernie stings him for fun]''
:'''Ernie and Bernie''': ''[singing]''
:[[Bob Marley|Don't worry&lt;br /&gt;About a thing&lt;br /&gt;'Cause every little thing&lt;br /&gt;Is gonna be all right.]]
:'''Ernie''': This is how you sing it, Oscar.
:'''Bernie''': Yeah.
:'''Ernie''': Sykes, he like you, mon.
:'''Bernie''': He say take it easy on you.
:'''Ernie''': But Sykes is not here. ''[laughs]''
:'''Bernie''': True.
:'''Bernie''': Ernie, let me ask you a question.
:'''Ernie''': Yeah, mon? Go on.
:'''Bernie''': Why is it that me locks can sting other people, but they do not affect me or you? ''[zaps Ernie, who screams]'' Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie! I didn't mean it, mon! ''[Ernie laughs and points at Bernie]'' Ernie, you made a joke! Good one, mon! Respect!
:'''Ernie''': Respect!
:'''Bernie''': Bloodfire!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Frankie and Lenny are swimming out of Lino's shipwreck]''
:'''Lenny''': Frankie, you know I can't do this!
:'''Frankie''': Word's gettin' around, the other day at the restaurant, you know how fish talk. Biddi-bip, biddi-bop, this-that, the other, then how you doin' Boom! Forget about it, ya dead.
:'''Lenny''': Okay, seriously, I can't understand wise-guy, so you're gonna have to be specific.
:'''Frankie''': Oh specific? You want specific? ''[smacks him]'' Be a shark for once in your life!
:'''Lenny''': Ow! ''[downhearted]'' Oh, what am I gonna do?
:'''Frankie''': ''[apologetically]'' Oh, Lenny, look, we do a couple practice runs, badda-bing, badda-boom, Pop's happy, you're a shark, life goes on, capisce?
:'''Lenny''': Okay, okay I capisce.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny... ''[coughs]'' Lenny, is that you?
:'''Lenny''': I'm here, Frankie.
:'''Frankie''': Come closer.
:'''Lenny''': Yes, what is it?
:'''Frankie''': I'm so cold.
:'''Lenny''': That's just because we're cold-blooded. ''[Frankie slaps his brother]'' OW!
:'''Frankie''': ''[last words] '''Moron.''' [dies]''
:'''Lenny''': Frankie, no. '''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''' ''[sobs]'' This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Frankie! How am I ever gonna explain this to Pop...? Oh, no! ''[swims away and passes Oscar, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Frankie]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finds Frankie dead behind him, thinks he's alive, and starts screaming crazily]'' Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be tripping! ''[makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]''
:'''Bernie''': Ow! What the...?!
:''[Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie all scream loudly; Oscar hides behind the dead Frankie]''
:'''Bernie''': ''[protesting]'' Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea!
:''[Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily. Then they were surprised]'' 
:'''Ernie''': Oscar? Did you kill that shark?
:'''Oscar''': ''[looks down at Frankie's body before having an idea]'' Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.
:'''Bernie''': What happened.
:'''Oscar''': Oh, you… you wanna know what happened. 
:'''Bernie''': Yes, Mon.
:'''Ernie''': You're standing on top of a shark, Mon.
:''[Cut to the outside of the Whale Wash, as Oscar tells lies to the fish about killing the shark]''
:'''Oscar''': Big ol' shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, &quot;You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?&quot;
:'''Angie''': Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
:'''Oscar''': Oh, right. So I say, &quot;You see this guy?&quot; ''[points at right bicep]'' &quot;Well, he has a brother who lives right over here.&quot; ''[points at left bicep]'' &quot;And I think it's time for a little...&quot;
:'''Oscar and Angie''': Family reunion!
:''[Everyone cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Feinberg''': He come out of nowhere, this guy. Calls himself... ''[turns around with a flourish]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[behind him]'' Ira, over here...
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[turns to face Lino, makes the flourish again]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': Where do I find him?
:'''Don Feinberg''': He lives on the South Side. That's all we could dig up. ''[to the other sharks]'' Any other requests?
:'''Don Lino''': Hey, Luca.
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[offscreen]'' How about that Titanic?
:'''Other Sharks''': ''[offscreen; groaning]'' Oh, please no! Not again!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Luca]'' Get Sykes. He knows that Reef better than anybody. I want to know all about this guy. I want to know what he does. I want to know where he eats. I want to know where he sleeps. He pops a gill, I want to know about it. '''''Who is the Sharkslayer?'''''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': You know, Ang...Where I am now, this whole new life I got, and all my dreams coming true... In a weird kinda way, I never could have done it without you.
:'''Angie''': Oh, sure you could. Well, probably not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Random Fish''': ''[enters the penthouse while panicking]'' SHARKS! THE SHARKS! ON THE- ON THE EDGE OF THE REEF! THEY'RE ''GREAT WHITES!''
:''[Everyone panics]''
:'''Oscar''': EVERYONE, GO HOME! SPEND THE LAST FEW HOURS Y'ALL HAVE WITH EACH OTHER! ''[everyone stops screaming and looks at him with a pause]'' Oh...! I mean...that's how it used to be around here...but not since Oscar came to town!
:''[Everyone cheers as Oscar pretends to growl with the grunt while stepping in the elevator. And as soon the elevator doors closes, Oscar begins sobbing and wailing all the way down]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[to himself]'' Phew, that was close.
:'''Lenny''': ''[appears behind him]'' Super close. ''[in fear, Oscar looks up to see him above]'' Don't panic. ''[Oscar looks down, and is about to scream but his mouth is covered]'' Shhh! He could be anywhere!
:'''Oscar''': Who?
:'''Lenny:''' The Sharkslayer...
:'''Oscar''': ''[laughs]'' The Sharkslayer is not here.
:'''Lenny''': Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!
:'''Oscar''': ''[mockingly]'' Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one!
:'''Lenny''': Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sighs; slaps himself]'' You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the...the, uh...Don't cry. ''[cries in anguish]''
:'''Oscar''': No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.
:'''Lenny''': It's my fault...kinda...not really...but still. My brother...
:'''Oscar''': You just need a little time, man. Look, the...things'll work out.
:'''Lenny''': You think?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off...And you should just go home, Okay?
:'''Lenny''': Okay.
:'''Oscar''': Hey, good luck, dawg.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny laughs uproariously]''
:'''Oscar''': I am the Sharkslayer; ''Oscar the Sharkslayer!'', that's what people say.
:'''Lenny''': ''[coming to a realization]'' Wait. You mean you...?
:'''Oscar''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lenny''': When the anchor... ''[gasps dramatically before smirking]'' Oh, you're a liar!
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[scoffs]'' Please, I didn't lie! ''[Lenny gives him an &quot;Oh, really?&quot; glare]'' Alright, I lied. But it was a little lie!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny are sneaking through Southside drain unseen]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' Alright, Lenny. follow my every move, and don't make a sound.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' You got it. ''[echoes]'' Oh an echo. ''[a little louder]'' Echooo! Now batting for the Southside Sharks #15- ''[Oscar slaps him]'' Ow! It's not okay to hit!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Gee, if Pop knew that, he'd ice you for sure.
:'''Oscar''': [chuckles] &quot;Ice?&quot; What's he, the Godfather or somethin'?
:'''Lenny''': Yeah.
:'''Oscar''': ''[still chuckling]'' Whaddya mean &quot;Yeah?&quot;
:'''Lenny''': Yeah, he is. ''[Oscar realizes this and gulps in fear as the background spins behind him]'' Hey. Are you alright?
:''[Then the background drops backwards to the ground, and the shark from Oscar's right gobbles him up. We pull back as it was revealed to be the video game that Ernie and Bernie are playing]''
:'''Bernie''': Oh, man. I told you.
:'''Ernie''': I'm doing it.
:'''Bernie''': X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger, down, square, square.
:'''Ernie''': Oh, double square! Respect.
:'''Bernie''': Respect.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sykes is talking to Lino over the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': Oh! Hey, Sykes.
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Oscar]'' Hey, hey, hey. There he is, my brother, my player, the Sharkslayer!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, whatever, Sykes, listen...
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Lino over the phone]'' And another thing: from now on, you're gonna have to start paying ME protection!
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, the deal is off. That shark I killed was Don Lino's son.
:'''Sykes''': I know! Ain't it great?
:'''Oscar''': Not if he finds out!
:'''Sykes''': What do you mean, &quot;find out&quot;? I've got him on the phone right now! ''[Oscar's eyes widen in fear]'' That's right, Lino. I've got the Sharkslayer right here in front of me.
:'''Oscar''': ''[throat gesture while shaking his head]'' Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
:'''Sykes''': ''[over the phone]'' And he's gonna slay you, and all your sharks.
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, shut up! '''''SHUT...UP!'''''
:'''Sykes''': Hey, hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! SHUT UP! ''[Oscar groans]'' What? Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
:'''Sykes''': Yeah, he's right here. ''[hands Oscar the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[quiet high-pitched voice]'' Hello?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[furious]'' &quot;Shut up&quot;? ''&quot;Shut up&quot;''?! You don't tell ''ME'' &quot;shut up&quot;, I tell ''YOU'' &quot;shut up&quot;! ''[as he talks, beeping is heard on the other side of the phone]'' What? Hello?
:'''Luca''': Yeah, how ya doin'? Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms-
:'''Don Lino''': ''[startled and annoyed]'' Luca!
:'''Luca''': Oh, hi, Boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?
:'''Don Lino''': '''''GET OFF THE PHONE!'''''
:'''Luca''': But I'm hungry! ''[reluctantly hangs up]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shakes his head in frustration, then returns his attention to Oscar]'' My guys are comin' for you, Sharkslayer! They're gonna tear you '''''FIN FROM FIN!''''' ''[slams the phone down, leaving Oscar frozen with horror]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still oblivious to Oscar]'' C'mon, now who's your puff daddy, huh? Who takes care of you, huh? Huh? ''[turns to Ernie and Bernie play the Sharkslayer video game]'' C'mon, you two. We've got work to do. ''[turns off the TV]''
:'''Ernie''': Aww! Mon, I was winning!
:'''Oscar''': ''[unsuccessfully tries to get Sykes' attention as the latter makes his way to the elevator]'' Sykes, Sykes, hold - Look, you've got it all wrong!
:'''Sykes''': They're gonna write songs about you, kid. ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the shark bites...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''With his teeth, dear.''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, please!
:'''Sykes''': ''And then Oscar...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''Kicked his butt.''
:''[The elevator closes in Oscar's face]''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes! Sykes, man! ''[attempts to open the elevator]'' Come on!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar sneaks back to the storage room]''
:'''Angie''': ''[suddenly appears at the storage room door]'' Hello, Oscar.
:'''Oscar''': ''[screams; then catches his breath]'' Angie! Hey! W-what are you doin' here?
:'''Angie''': ''[innocently]'' What, Oscar, forget something?
:'''Oscar''': W-W-Well, I-I-I—
Angie: Maybe your forgot... [slams the door, revealing Lenny behind it']'' ...your shark?!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sipping the soda]'' Hi.
:'''Oscar''': Uh...SHARK! SWIM, ANGIE! I'LL COVER YA! GO ON WITHOUT ME!
:'''Angie''': Oh, stop it! Your pet shark told me everything!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' Dang, Lenny?! Why?!
:'''Lenny''': Don't look at me, I don't know! I like her!
:'''Angie''': ''[friendly]'' Thanks you too. ''[then furiously to Oscar]'' WHAT were you THINKING, bringing him here?!
:'''Oscar''': Well...I'm still working out the kinks...
:'''Angie''': Kinks?! You LIED! Everybody thinks you &quot;slayed the shark!&quot; How could you lie to me, Oscar?! ME?!
:'''Oscar''': Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY! ''[Angie glares at him]'' All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out, I got a small thing to take care of.
:'''Angie''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Oscar''': ''SHARKS'' are COMING to GET ME!
:'''Angie''': And they ''should''! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!
:'''Oscar''': Uh...yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the &quot;we&quot;? I don't want any part of this!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!
:'''Lenny''': Point taken. What's the plan?
:'''Angie''': Oscar, here's the plan. ''You'' tell the truth. ''[to Lenny]'' And ''you'', go home.
:''[Oscar and Lenny both stare at each other and then they both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is pretending to battle Lenny in front of the fish city]''
:'''Oscar''': Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!
:'''Lenny''': They love ''you''. They hate ''me''!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lenny''': Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it coming!
:'''Oscar''': Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! ''[Lenny nods his head understandingly]'' Now gimme a growl!
:'''Lenny''': Okay. ''[purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face]'' Like that?
:'''Oscar''': That was...pretty good!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[on the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV]'' I don't think you understand how huge my client is. Turn on your TV right now!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn off the TV! Turn off the TV!
:''[Back to Lenny]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[from inside Lenny's mouth]'' Don't...swallow.
:'''Lenny''': Oscar?
:'''Oscar:''': No, it's Pinocchio. OF COURSE IT'S ME! Why did you do that?!
:'''Lenny''': I'm sorry...
:'''Oscar''': No, &quot;sorry&quot; is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's &quot;sorry&quot;! &quot;Sorry&quot; is when you say &quot;Hey, when's the baby due?&quot; and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as ''far away from &quot;sorry&quot;'' as you can ''possibly'' get!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
:'''Oscar''': Oh, no, no, no, no...Lenny, just open up, nice and easy. ''[Lenny opens his mouth very slowly as he pretends to free himself in front of the crowd]'' [[w:Gladiator (film)|ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!]] ''[the crowd cheers]'' [[w:A Few Good Men (film)|YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!]] ''[the crowd cheers again]'' [[w:Jerry Maguire|YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!]]
:''[The crowd cheers again; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV?! Turn it back on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny perform &quot;The Flying Fish&quot; as Oscar throws Lenny, who screamed, at the lights]''
:'''Lenny''': ''[falls down to the abyss with a slow motion scream, then normal]'' CURSE YOU, SHARKSLAYEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! ''[then swims next to the pipe, screams once more, then notices the echo, and snorts]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[rolls his eyes, then swims upwards; to Luca and the other sharks]'' And you tell Don ''LAME''-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! EVER! ''[they swim away in fear]'' Remember this name: '''''OSCAR THE SHARKSLAYER!'''''
:''[The crowd cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Angie sees Oscar kissing Lola]''
:'''Angie''': PRIVATE?! The entire reef saw you do it!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, whoa. Somebody's in a bad mood. C'mon, Ang, lemme see that smile. Show me the smile, baby—
:'''Angie''': Knock it off!
:'''Oscar''': Eh...What has gotten into you?
:'''Angie''': ME?! Oh, I swear, something I wanna take you big dumb dummy head and just... ''[punching her hand]'' Nnnyyyhh!!!
:'''Oscar''': Ang, Ang, what is the problem?  
:'''Angie''': Problem?! There's no problem! I don't need any problem! Miss Perfect is the one with the problem!
:'''Lenny''': Um, hey, you guys.
:'''Oscar''': What you got against Lola?
:'''Angie''': Not my lips. That's for sure. 
:'''Oscar''': Okay. What's going on?
:'''Lenny''': I'm gonna stay out of this one. 
:'''Oscar''': Look, Why would you even care about Lola anyway.  
:'''Angie''': I don't!
:'''Oscar''': Ya don't. 
:'''Angie''': No!
:'''Oscar''': No what?!
:'''Angie''': I don't know!
:'''Lenny''': Hey guys, you wanna get...
:'''Oscar and Angie''': NO!
:'''Angie''': Just tell me, Oscar, 'cause I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you believe she would even be with you if you weren't the rich and famous sharkslayer?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, you guys, please don't fight.
:'''Angie''': Are you that blind?!
:'''Oscar''': At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
:'''Angie''': Yeah, but would she love you if you were nobody?!
:'''Oscar''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOBODY LOVED ME WHEN I WAS NOBODY!'''''
:'''Angie''': ''[emotional]'' '''I DID!''' ''[Oscar is stunned; sadly swims her back on him]'' Before the money...And before the fame. ''[turns back to Oscar]'' Before the lie. To me, you were a somebody, Oscar. Now you're nothing but a fake. A sham. A con. You're a joke.
:''[Oscar felt hurt at Angie's words, Angie looked down]''
:'''Lenny''': Here I come... ''[pops out from behind the curtains]'' Ta-da! ''[singsong]'' Sebastian the Whale-Washing Dolphin! ''[mimics dolphin clicks, but looks at them when calming down]''
:'''Oscar''': Angie...
:'''Angie''': No, forget it! Just go! 'Cause I'm tired of hearing how everything you had in your life wasn't good enough. Including me.
:''[Oscar then sadly swims away]''
:'''Lenny''': Angie?
:'''Angie''': Oh, honey, I'm...I'm sorry. Go...Go back and do it again.
:'''Lenny''': Hey, come on. ''[wipes her tears away]'' It'll be okay.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[realizing he loves Angie more than Lola]'' You know, I don't think this is gonna work out.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles, but then stops]'' Wait. Are you dumping me? ''[Oscar sadly nods, but gasps as she gives him a livid glare]'' Let me explain something to you!
:''[Cut to inside]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[dancing with a fish girl]'' We're gonna party like it's your birthday... ''[they suddenly hear a thudding sound and see Lola whacking Oscar against the windows with a thunk]'' Ha! Young Love! ''[he and the other partygoers laugh]''
:''[Lola slams Oscar one more time and sulks away. Oscar slowly slides down, his saliva leaving an impression of a heart implanted on the window]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Four Tops: &quot;I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)&quot;]''
:'''Lenny''': Hey, Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, I can't talk. I gotta find Angie. I need to tell her...I love her!
:'''Man''': ''[singing] You come and you go...''
:'''Male Fish''': Way to go, Oscar.

&lt;hr widht=50%/&gt;
:'''Bernie''': Whale Wash you get a whale of a wash..
:'''Ernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' And the price is...very very low. Considering how good the wash is!
:'''Sykes''': ''[annoyed]'' Look, look, look! For the last time, it's &quot;Whale Wash: You get a whale of a wash, and the price - Oh, my gosh&quot;!
:'''Ernie''': Got it. ''[phone rings]'' Whale Wash...
:'''Bernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' Rhymes with &quot;gosh&quot;.
:''[Bernie and Ernie laugh]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[steamed]'' That's it! Get outta here! Go be useless somewhere else!
:''[Bernie and Ernie swim away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[answering the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Luca''': Is this the Sharkslayer?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. Who's this?
:'''Luca''': Hi, this is Luca the Octopu...I mean...forget about it. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package... ''[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie...]'' That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' Who is it?
:'''Oscar''': Shh.
:'''Luca''': Be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes... ''[Oscar's confused]'' ...the DEAD ones! ''[Oscar became shocked]'' Now nod your head if you understand. ''[Oscar nods his head]'' Now tell me if you nodded your head.
:'''Oscar''': I nodded. ''[they both hang up]'' They got Angie. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Angie. This is all my fault.
:'''Sykes''': That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.
:''[As Oscar noticed Angie's love drawing on the clipboard]''
:'''Lenny''': They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[after a moment of silence; determined]'' Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Angie, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, &quot;Hi, Pop, I'm a dolphin!&quot;
:'''Sykes''': ''[surprised]'' Lenny?
:'''Lenny''': &quot;But my friend, the shark-scarer is a fake here now&quot;
:'''Sykes''': Fake?
:'''Lenny''': Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!
:'''Sykes''': ''[laughs]'' This is not a joke, huh, Oscar? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Lino... ''[suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Lino]''
:'''Flashback Sykes''': ''[over phone]'' Shut up, Lino! Shut up! ''[Don Lino growls]''
:''[After flashback, Sykes inflates in a fit of panic]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Tell you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Lenny! Tell me you're a real Sharkslayer! Please!
:'''Oscar''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry, Sykes. I'm not. ''[his mood suddenly brightens as he remembers something]'' But the sharks don't know that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Lenny &quot;eats&quot; Angie]''
:'''Oscar''': Okay, new rules. Nobody, I repeat, nobody, makes a move without my OK. I am the Panama Canal, baby. From now on, everything ''[places a spoon on Giuseppe's nose]'' flows through me.
:'''Giuseppe''': Heh?! What'd he do?! What'd he do?! I can't see it!
:'''Oscar''': You don't lose a tooth, you don't grow one back without my okay, okay?
:'''Mako Shark''': ''[nervously]'' Okay.
:''[The swordfish sneezes, stuck to the table]''
:'''Oscar''': If you sneeze, you don't wipe that boogie without my okay, okay?
:'''Orca''': ''[scared]'' Okay.
:'''Oscar''': And you don't ''say'' &quot;okay&quot; without my okay? ''Okay?!''
:''[One of the whale faints, Lenny starts gagging]''
:'''Sykes''': Oh-Oh. Okay, thank you all for coming. We gotta go.
:'''Oscar''': One more thing. What's with all y'all living in the Love Boat?
:'''Sykes''': Oscar...
:'''Oscar''': Y'all are supposed to be the mob. Get yourselves a real hideout.
:'''Lenny''': ''[gagging]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Lino]'' And take a good look, Lino. It's ''over''. You're old school...!
:'''Sykes and Lenny''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': What?!
:''[Lenny makes a last gag and retches out Angie, a violin, a sidewalk sweeper, a radio box and a car license plate]''
:'''Lenny''': The horror! '''THE HORROR!''' ''[one of the sharks eat the license plate; retches out a beach ball]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[chuckles]'' Um, excuse me. ''[swims over to Angie]'' Ang, are you okay?
:'''Angie''': No, I am not okay! He ''ate'' me!
:'''Lenny''': I couldn't take it. The taste is killing me!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sees Lenny]'' Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? ''[hugs Lenny]'' I thought I lost you. ''[noticed his disguise]'' What are you wearing? Huh? What is that?
:''[Dejected, Lenny takes off his black and yellow scarf, then scrubs his nose with his sponge and takes off the red rubber band. The sharks gasps in assortment]''
:'''Luca''': Look, Boss, it's Lenny, he was wearing a disguise that can't make us recognize him, but now that Lenny wasn't wearing a disguise, we're all finally recognizing him.
:'''Lenny''': ''[still dejected]'' Hi, Pop...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[upset]'' Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Are you out of your ''mind''?! Do you have any idea how this looks?!
:'''Giuseppe''': ''[whispers to another shark]'' This is the best sit down I ever been to.
:'''Don Lino''': What are you doing with this guy?! He took out your old flesh and blood, Frankie!
:'''Lenny''': But Pop, just listen...
:'''Don Lino''': But nothing! You never take sides against the family! '''Ever!'''
:'''Oscar''': Hey, Don. Lino, Sir. Listen, it's not his fault. This is between you and me.
:'''Don Lino''': What did I ever do to ''YOU''?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! ''[turns angry]'' '''I'M GONNA GET YOU!'''
:''[Oscar shrieks, Don Lino starts chasing him]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar, look out!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, swim! ''[opens the door]'' Swim for your life!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[calling after Oscar]'' You're gonna regret the day you became the Sharkslayer!
:'''Shrimp''': ''[appears in another porthole]'' Well, well, well...look who's stuck in the porthole.
:'''Don Lino''': Huh?
:'''Shrimp''': You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends!
:''[A bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ernie''': Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price... ''[sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]'' OH MY GOSH!
:'''Bernie''': ''[not knowing]'' Hey, you got it right! ''[suddenly sees Don Lino also]''
:''[They swim away in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The crowd is cheering for Oscar for trapping Lino and Lenny in the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finally having enough]'' '''STOP! ''I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRER!!!!''''' ''[the crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief, and Angie stops to look back]'' I lied.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[tearfully]'' And I'm not a real financial adviser!
:'''Oscar''': ''[awkwardly]'' Okay... ''[to Don Lino]'' It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.                 
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' If that's true, why did you run away?           
:'''Lenny''': Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Don Lino]'' ''What'' is your ''problem''?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So ''what''?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had...until I lost it.
:''[Unnoticed by him, Angie looks moved in the background]''               
:'''Don Lino''': ''[close to tears]'' Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?
:'''Lenny''': ''[smiles tearfully]'' Oh, Pop.
:''[Oscar frees Lino and Lenny from the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Don Lino''': Come here, you. ''[hugs Lenny]'' I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.
:'''Angie''': ''[appears]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[sees her]'' Angie? Oh, Angie. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I mean...I wish you knew...what I knew...before this...
:'''Crazy Joe''': You're blowin' it, man!
:'''Oscar''': Mind your business, alright?! It's emotional...and it's pressure! ''[turns back to Angie]'' What I'm sayin' is...I didn't need the Top of the Reef. Everything I ever wanted...was right in front of me the whole time.
:'''Angie''': But what about being a somebody?
:'''Oscar''': I'm a nobody without you. ''[Angie smiles. Crazy Joe pulls out his puppets making kissing noises]'' Not helping. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Angie''': Oh. Come here, you big dumb, dummy head! ''[kisses Oscar]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.
:'''Don Lino''': I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!
:'''Sykes''': That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.
:'''Don Lino''': Yo?
:'''Sykes''': Yo, what's up?
:'''Don Lino''': What's up with what?
:'''Sykes''': Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[threatening]'' Hey, you say &quot;Yo&quot; one more time, and I'm gonna yo you!
:'''Sykes''': ''[stops]'' I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[arrives at Oscar's former penthouse]'' Hello? Hello? Oscar? Listen, Baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back.
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[appears in front of Lola]'' Did someone say ''crazy''?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': Hey! You gonna eat the rest of your popcorn? ''[eats the popcorn, groaning]'' Too much butter! Hey! A nacho! ''[eats the nacho]''

&lt;hr widths=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[flies up to the end credits]'' You're not even halfway done yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Last lines; after the credits]''
:'''Mrs. Sanchez''': ''[opens the window; to the viewers]'' What're you still doin' here?! Get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime! ''[shuts the window]''
:''[Fades to black]''

==Taglines==
* In Fall, A New School Will Rule.
* The Story of What Happens When One Little Fish Tells a Great White Lie...
* Behind Every Little Fish is a Great White Lie.
* A New School's Gonna Rule...

==Cast==
* [[Will Smith]] — Oscar
* [[Robert De Niro|Robert de Niro]] — Don Lino
* [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]] — Angie
* [[Jack Black]] — Lenny
* [[Angelina Jolie]] — Lola
* [[Martin Scorsese]] — Sykes
* [[Ziggy Marley]] &amp; [[w:Doug E. Doug|Doug E. Doug]] — Ernie and Bernie
* [[w:Michael Imperioli|Michael Imperioli]] — Frankie
* [[w:Vincent Pastore|Vincent Pastore]] — Luca
* [[w:Peter Falk|Peter Michael Falk]] — Don Fienberg
* [[w:Katie Couric|Katie Couric]] — Katie Current
* David P. Smith — Crazy Joe

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0307453|title=Shark Tale}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=shark_tale|title=Shark Tale}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about death]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]
[[Category:Buddy films]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607046</id>
      <parentid>3607037</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:19:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.212.50.148</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607046</origin>
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      <text bytes="45897" sha1="ftpa1x2v1jit07ljjokp9ubei2zm4um" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shark Tale|Shark Tale]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. It stars the voices of [[Will Smith]], [[Angelina Jolie]], [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]], [[Jack Black]], [[Martin Scorsese]], and [[Robert De Niro]].
:''Directed by Bibo Bergenson, [[Vicky Jenson]] and Rob Letterman. Written by Michael J. Wilson and Rob Letterman.''
{{center|'''Behind every little fish is a great white lie.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines; DreamWorks with scene logos Boy throwing a fishing pole with a worm tied to the hook into the water. The worm looks up as he holds his breath, as a shark circles around him. The worm panics as he looks behind him to see...]''
:'''Lenny''': Hi. I'm Lenny. ''[The worm faints]'' Oh, little buddy, did I scare you? I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up. Okay, don't worry about it, I'm gonna get you out in a jiffy, you just keep holding your breath, little wormy.
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Yo, Lenny!
:'''Lenny''': Oh! I'm coming, Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': ''[offscreen]'' Well, move it, come on, Pop's waiting for us.
:'''Lenny''': ''[He finally unties the worm]'' There we go, and- Gotcha! Okay, you're free now, just go.''[the worm slinks back up the line]'' Go on, buddy, cry freedom. ''[He turns to see Frankie scowling] AHH!'' Ugh, you almost gave me a heart attack!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny, what are you doing?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, I was just... ''[he grabs a bundle of flowers]'' picking you some flowers. ''[Frankie slaps them out of Lenny's hand]'' Hey, mom said it's not okay to hit. ''[Frankie smacks his shoulders]'' Aah!
:'''Frankie''': Mom's not here. ''[he swims away, humming the JAWS theme]''
:'''Lenny''': Don't. ''Don't.'' Ugh, that song gives me the creeps.
:'''Frankie''': Whadda ya mean? It's our theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Katie Current''': ''[to the crew offscreen]'' Are they gone? Are they gone? Are you sure? ''[looks at the camera]'' Good morning, Southeast Reef! I'm Katie Current keeping it current! I just received confirmation that the sharks are gone. I repeat, the sharks are gone.
:''[All the fishes swim freely as the title &quot;Shark Tale&quot; appears]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Shrimp''': Yep. It's fake.
:'''Clam''': Fake?! I worked eight years on that!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Hi, I'm Oscar. You might think you know, but you have no idea. ''[rap music]'' Welcome to my crib. The good life, the way the other half lives. Check it out, I got my 60&quot; inch high-def, flatscreen TV with 6-speaker surround-sound, CD, DVD, Xbox, GameCube and PlayStation hook-up, and an 8-track player for days when you're feeling just a little... ''[beatbox]'' old school. ''[laughs]'' 'Cause even a superstar Mack daddy fish like me has to have the necessities.
:'''Shorty 1''': ''[appears]'' Yeah, like money!
:''[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]''
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Shorties, why you messin' with my fantasy?
:'''Shorty 2''': 'Cause you're so broke, your baloney has no first name.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': Yo, Crazy Joe!
:'''Crazy Joe''': Now that you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
:'''Oscar''': That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.
:'''Crazy Joe''': You live in a billboard? And they call ''me'' crazy! ''[laughs insanely while floating away with an umbrella]''
:'''Shorty 1''': Hey, Oscar! Look who came to visit!
:'''Oscar''': ''[turns around and freaks out]'' YAAH!!!
:''[They shorties spray-painted the billboard with a pic of Oscar being devoured by a shark bursting through the penthouse floor]''
:'''Shorties''': ''[laughing]'' Gotcha!
:'''Oscar''': No, don't do that! Shouldn't you kids be in school?
:'''Shorty 2''': Shouldn't you be at work?
:'''Oscar''': Right back at me, eh? Little smart mouth? Now I'm on my way and y'all stay outta trouble. ''[turns back to the graffiti]'' And clean that stuff up!
:'''Shorty 3''': See ya!
:''[The Shorties continue to spray paint the billboard]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Angie''': Good morning. May I help you?
:'''Whale''': One wash and mouth, please.
:'''Angie''': Hot wax?
:'''Whale''': Please
:'''Angie''': Kelp Scrape. We're having special, whaddya say?
:'''Whale''': Why not? It's mating season, and I'm feelin' lucky! ''[leaves]''
:''[Phone rings]''
:'''Angie''': Whale of the wash, and the price... ''[blissful sigh]'' Oh, my gosh. ''[camera pans to Angie doodling her crush on Oscar]'' May I suggest a barnacle peel? Removes lines and salt damage. Good.
:'''Oscar''': ''[enters]'' Hey, Ang.
:'''Angie''': OH, MY GOSH! ''[quickly hides her secret paper]'' Hi Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Thanks for covering for me. ''[over the phone]'' Hey yo, Angie needs to get her freak on! Could ya hold for one moment please? Thanks, dawg! ''[hangs up]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': C'mon, Ang! Dance with me, mama! ♪You might not ever be rich!♪
:'''Angie''': Oscar! You're gonna get me fired!
:'''Oscar''': You? Fired? ''[scoffs]'' That can't happen, 'cause then I'd have absolutely NO reason to come to work.
:'''Angie''': ''[sheepishly]'' Oh, you don't mean that.
:'''Oscar''': 'Course I do. You're, like, my best friend.
:''[Angie gasps; then when Oscar's not looking, dramatically pretends to jab herself in the heart with her pen. When Oscar turns back to her, she quickly hides the pen with a sheepish giggle]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[A dark ship. The camera fades in, showing Don Lino feeding his fish]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to his fish]'' How are my babies this mornin'? You miss me? You doin' good? Huh? Huh? ''[To Sykes]'' You see, Sykes, it's a fish-eat-fish world, ''[he drops a food pellet into the tank]'' you either take, or you get taken out. ''[The fish sprout razor teeth and devour the pellet as Lino closes the tank's lid]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The record player gets stuck while Lino talks with Sykes]''
:'''Don Lino''': Luca.
:'''Luca''': ''[moves the needle; the record player plays &quot;Baby Got Back&quot; by Six Mix-a-Lot; Luca quickly moves the needle again and it cuts off]'' Hey, Boss, big butts! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[facepalming]'' Oy vey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what, and what?
:'''Sykes''': What?
:'''Don Lino''': What &quot;what&quot;?
:'''Sykes''': &quot;What, what&quot; nothin'. You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': I didn't say what first. I asked ''you'' what.
:'''Sykes''': No, you said &quot;And then what?&quot;, and I said &quot;What?&quot;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[confused]'' No, I said &quot;what what&quot;, like what, what?
:'''Sykes''': ''[pausebuster]'' You said &quot;what&quot; first.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[annoyed]'' Now you're making fun of me?
:'''Sykes''': ''[hastily]'' No, no, no, no, you misunderstood!
:''[His sons arrived]''
:'''Frankie''': Sorry we're late, Pop. Lenny had an accident. He was born.
:'''Lenny''': ''[sarcastic laughter]'' You're a comic genius.
:'''Sykes''': Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.
:'''Don Lino''': My Lenny ''is'' a killer! Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
:''[Lino and Sykes both notice Lenny obliviously spinning around on his chair; Frankie shakes his head]''
:'''Sykes''': Huh?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[more annoyed]'' That's it! That's IT! You are OUT!
:'''Sykes''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[inflates; high pitched]'' Whaddya mean I'm &quot;out&quot;?!
:'''Don Lino''': You're fired! ''[pushes Sykes; Sykes screams and lands on a picture across the room]'' And on top of that, you're gonna have to start paying me!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high pitched]'' For what?!
:'''Don Lino''': So nothing happens to that little Whale Wash of yours.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[while shoveling the slime off the whale's tongue]'' Welcome to Oscar's crib. 60 foot slime-covered tongues, canker sewers, swimming cavities and plankton-encrusted teeth when I'm feelin' a little old school!
:'''Pontrelli''': Oh Oscar, stop your moaning! It could be a lot worse.
:'''Oscar''': Sure. I could have this job, and look like you! ''[laughs]'' Good one, huh? ''[sudden rumbling]'' Uh-oh...indigestion...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
:''[Workers start scattering]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait! Headphone guy's still in there!
:''[Headphone Guy is cleaning the whale, oblivious to the rumbling]''
:'''Oscar''': I GOT YOU, HEADPHONE GUY! ''[he and Headphone Guy brace themselves on the whale's uvula]''
:''[The scrubbers peak when...the whale lets out a small belch, sending some slime onto Oscar. The worker's laugh]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[groans as he rubs the slime off him]'' Still think it could be worse?!
:'''Pontrelli''': Yeah! I could look like you!
:'''Oscar''': Funny! Well, see if you laugh at THIS! ''[throws slimeball at Pontrelli, who ducks with a laugh, and it hits instructor Johnson, causing him to stagger around and accidentally hit a button that sprays soap in the whale's eye, causing the whale to scream in agony]'' SOAP IN THE EYE! ''[presses emergency buttons; the grabbers grab the screaming whale very tightly; quickly cleans the whale's eye]'' It's alright. I'll get you a free hot wax and all that. Carry on, Big Baby.
:'''Whale''': Thanks, Oscar. ''[swims away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
:'''Oscar''': How do you figure that?
:'''Sykes''': Simple - the food chain! ''[pulls out chart]'' On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
:'''Oscar''': And that's me!
:'''Sykes''': No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
:'''Oscar''': And then me!
:'''Sykes''': I'm getting there, I'm getting there...There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
:'''Oscar''': That's messed up.
:'''Sykes''': So if Don Lino's squeezing me... he's squeezing ''you!''
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[the chart suddenly pulls up, catching Sykes in the chin]''
:'''Ernie''': Easy, boss. Find a happy place.
:'''Sykes''': There ''is'' no happy place with him around! ''[agitated he puffs up; higher pitched] I'm SERIOUS!''
:'''Oscar''': AH! Alright, look! Just give me another chance-! I-I'm ''begging'' you, Sykes please! Please!
:'''Sykes''': ''[high-pitched]'' All right. ''[deflates]'' 'Cause I like you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.
:'''Oscar''': All of it? How am I supposed to do that?
:'''Sykes''': That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the track tomorrow, or else.
:'''Oscar''': Or else what?
:'''Sykes''': The boys will explain. ''[exits his office]''
:''[Ernie and Bernie approach Oscar while grinning and laughing in a threatening manner; cut to black as they sting him as a warning]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[offscreen]'' Unpleasant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[voiceover]'' He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget.
:'''Male Fish Student''': ''[in memory]'' Oscar's dad's a tongue scrubber! 
:'''Fish Students''': ''[in memory]'' Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' What do you mean you don't understand? What's there to understand? We've been over this 1,000 times. I don't want to have to say it again. You know, you're giving me agita, you know that? I don't know what else to say. Lenny, you see something, you kill it, you eat it. Period. ''[to the waiter]'' Thanks. ''[to Lenny]'' That's what sharks do. That's a fine tradition. What's the matter with you? Your brother, Frankie, here, he's a killer.
:'''Frankie''': Thanks, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': He's beautiful. He does what he's supposed to do. ''[to Frankie]'' Wipe your face. ''[to Lenny]'' But you...I'm hearin' things. You gotta understand when you look weak, it makes me look weak.
:'''Lenny''': I know. 
:'''Don Lino''': I can't have that. 
:'''Lenny''': Pop, I'm sorry.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny. Lenny. Look at me. Look at me. This handing over the business is for you. It's for the both of you. A-And you're acting like you don't even want it. ''[Lenny shrugs]'' I need to know you can handle that. ''[sighs; He spots some shrimp in a glass, and glances back at Lenny]'' Alright, alright. ''[picks up the shrimp]'' Right here in front of me now, eat this.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whimpers]'' Oh, gee, thanks, Pop. Here's the thing. I'm on a diet. And I read an article about these shrimps, they're not good for ya. I tell you. You know how many calories are in one of those shrimps? A lot.
:'''The Shrimp''': ''[to Don Lino]'' It's true. It's true and the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over because she passed away, and then the baby lost its legs, and its arms and now he's nothing but a stump, but I still take care of it with my wife and it's growing and it's fairly happy, but it's difficult 'cause I've been working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table, but all the love and I see that little guy's face makes worth it in the end. ''[mini pauses]'' True story.
:''[Lenny wipes his tears with a sniff]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not asking you anymore. I'm telling you. Eat it!
:'''The Shrimp''': No, have mercy!
:'''Lenny''': Pop, please...
:'''Don Lino''': Eat!
:'''The Shrimp''': No eat!
:'''Lenny''': What are ya...No!
:'''Don Lino''': Son, eat the shrimp! Please!
:'''Lenny''': No, please.
:'''Don Lino''': Lenny! Eat, eat, eat!
:'''Lenny''': PUT THE SHRIMP DOWN! ''[grabs the other shrimp and lets them all go]'' Go now. No one's looking. Get out of here. You're free now, go on. Go. Go.
:'''The Shrimp''': Thank you. You're a good person. ''[glares at Lino, cracking his knuckles with a punches, then gestures to some other shrimp]'' Come on, fellas. ''[they all left with him]''
:''[Don Lino is angry]''
:'''Frankie''': Pop, I can handle the reef. It's not a problem.
:'''Don Lino''': No. No. We're gonna do this as a family. Frankie, I want you to take Lenny out, and show him the ropes.
:'''Frankie''': Oh, come on, Pop.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' Son, you're gonna learn how to be a shark. Whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Upon hearing about Lucky Day at the Seahorse Racetrack]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[excitedly]'' Top of the Reef, here I come! ''[stops himself]'' No, no, remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?
:''[In Oscar's fantasy]''
:'''Angie''': Dreams can begin small. You just have to...''bet it all!'' ''BET IT ALL!''
:'''Announcer''': ''And Lucky Day wins!''
:''[Oscar imagines himself living the high-life, then it cuts back to him holding the money. It cuts back to him slamming the money on the table]''
:'''Oscar''': ''5,000 ON LUCKY DAY TO WIN!''
:'''Bet-taking Fish''': That's 2,000 to 1. That would pay a million clams!
:'''Oscar''': ''[takes his ticket]'' Well I guess that makes me, Oscar...''The Millionaire.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': Look, deep down, I'm really superficial. ''[pulls Oscar close as if to kiss him]'' And don't get me wrong: you're cute, but... ''[whispers as she pushes him away]'' you're a nobody. ''[leaves]''
:''[Oscar became stunned]''
:'''Ernie''': ''[pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Oscar, you're cute, but you're a nobody.
:'''Bernie''': ''[pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face]'' Wait. Lola. Come back. I'm not a nobody. I'm a wiener!
:''[They both laugh, much to Oscar's annoyance]''
:'''Sykes''': You unbelievable. You're in trouble up to you gills. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is bound and gagged with seaweed while Ernie and Bernie stings him for fun]''
:'''Ernie and Bernie''': ''[singing]''
:[[Bob Marley|Don't worry&lt;br /&gt;About a thing&lt;br /&gt;'Cause every little thing&lt;br /&gt;Is gonna be all right.]]
:'''Ernie''': This is how you sing it, Oscar.
:'''Bernie''': Yeah.
:'''Ernie''': Sykes, he like you, mon.
:'''Bernie''': He say take it easy on you.
:'''Ernie''': But Sykes is not here. ''[laughs]''
:'''Bernie''': True.
:'''Bernie''': Ernie, let me ask you a question.
:'''Ernie''': Yeah, mon? Go on.
:'''Bernie''': Why is it that me locks can sting other people, but they do not affect me or you? ''[zaps Ernie, who screams]'' Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie! I didn't mean it, mon! ''[Ernie laughs and points at Bernie]'' Ernie, you made a joke! Good one, mon! Respect!
:'''Ernie''': Respect!
:'''Bernie''': Bloodfire!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Frankie and Lenny are swimming out of Lino's shipwreck]''
:'''Lenny''': Frankie, you know I can't do this!
:'''Frankie''': Word's gettin' around, the other day at the restaurant, you know how fish talk. Biddi-bip, biddi-bop, this-that, the other, then how you doin' Boom! Forget about it, ya dead.
:'''Lenny''': Okay, seriously, I can't understand wise-guy, so you're gonna have to be specific.
:'''Frankie''': Oh specific? You want specific? ''[smacks him]'' Be a shark for once in your life!
:'''Lenny''': Ow! ''[downhearted]'' Oh, what am I gonna do?
:'''Frankie''': ''[apologetically]'' Oh, Lenny, look, we do a couple practice runs, badda-bing, badda-boom, Pop's happy, you're a shark, life goes on, capisce?
:'''Lenny''': Okay, okay I capisce.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Frankie!
:'''Frankie''': Lenny... ''[coughs]'' Lenny, is that you?
:'''Lenny''': I'm here, Frankie.
:'''Frankie''': Come closer.
:'''Lenny''': Yes, what is it?
:'''Frankie''': I'm so cold.
:'''Lenny''': That's just because we're cold-blooded. ''[Frankie slaps his brother]'' OW!
:'''Frankie''': ''[last words] '''Moron.''' [dies]''
:'''Lenny''': Frankie, no. '''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''' ''[sobs]'' This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Frankie! How am I ever gonna explain this to Pop...? Oh, no! ''[swims away and passes Oscar, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Frankie]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finds Frankie dead behind him, thinks he's alive, and starts screaming crazily]'' Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be tripping! ''[makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]''
:'''Bernie''': Ow! What the...?!
:''[Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie all scream loudly; Oscar hides behind the dead Frankie]''
:'''Bernie''': ''[protesting]'' Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea!
:''[Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily. Then they were surprised]'' 
:'''Ernie''': Oscar? Did you kill that shark?
:'''Oscar''': ''[looks down at Frankie's body before having an idea]'' Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.
:'''Bernie''': What happened.
:'''Oscar''': Oh, you… you wanna know what happened. 
:'''Bernie''': Yes, Mon.
:'''Ernie''': You're standing on top of a shark, Mon.
:''[Cut to the outside of the Whale Wash, as Oscar tells lies to the fish about killing the shark]''
:'''Oscar''': Big ol' shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, &quot;You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?&quot;
:'''Angie''': Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
:'''Oscar''': Oh, right. So I say, &quot;You see this guy?&quot; ''[points at right bicep]'' &quot;Well, he has a brother who lives right over here.&quot; ''[points at left bicep]'' &quot;And I think it's time for a little...&quot;
:'''Oscar and Angie''': Family reunion!
:''[Everyone cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Feinberg''': He come out of nowhere, this guy. Calls himself... ''[turns around with a flourish]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[behind him]'' Ira, over here...
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[turns to face Lino, makes the flourish again]'' The Sharkslayer!
:'''Don Lino''': Where do I find him?
:'''Don Feinberg''': He lives on the South Side. That's all we could dig up. ''[to the other sharks]'' Any other requests?
:'''Don Lino''': Hey, Luca.
:'''Don Feinberg''': ''[offscreen]'' How about that Titanic?
:'''Other Sharks''': ''[offscreen; groaning]'' Oh, please no! Not again!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Luca]'' Get Sykes. He knows that Reef better than anybody. I want to know all about this guy. I want to know what he does. I want to know where he eats. I want to know where he sleeps. He pops a gill, I want to know about it. '''''Who is the Sharkslayer?'''''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': You know, Ang...Where I am now, this whole new life I got, and all my dreams coming true... In a weird kinda way, I never could have done it without you.
:'''Angie''': Oh, sure you could. Well, probably not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Random Fish''': ''[enters the penthouse while panicking]'' SHARKS! THE SHARKS! ON THE- ON THE EDGE OF THE REEF! THEY'RE ''GREAT WHITES!''
:''[Everyone panics]''
:'''Oscar''': EVERYONE, GO HOME! SPEND THE LAST FEW HOURS Y'ALL HAVE WITH EACH OTHER! ''[everyone stops screaming and looks at him with a pause]'' Oh...! I mean...that's how it used to be around here...but not since Oscar came to town!
:''[Everyone cheers as Oscar pretends to growl with the grunt while stepping in the elevator. And as soon the elevator doors closes, Oscar begins sobbing and wailing all the way down]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[to himself]'' Phew, that was close.
:'''Lenny''': ''[appears behind him]'' Super close. ''[in fear, Oscar looks up to see him above]'' Don't panic. ''[Oscar looks down, and is about to scream but his mouth is covered]'' Shhh! He could be anywhere!
:'''Oscar''': Who?
:'''Lenny:''' The Sharkslayer...
:'''Oscar''': ''[laughs]'' The Sharkslayer is not here.
:'''Lenny''': Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!
:'''Oscar''': ''[mockingly]'' Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one!
:'''Lenny''': Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sighs; slaps himself]'' You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the...the, uh...Don't cry. ''[cries in anguish]''
:'''Oscar''': No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.
:'''Lenny''': It's my fault...kinda...not really...but still. My brother...
:'''Oscar''': You just need a little time, man. Look, the...things'll work out.
:'''Lenny''': You think?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off...And you should just go home, Okay?
:'''Lenny''': Okay.
:'''Oscar''': Hey, good luck, dawg.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny laughs uproariously]''
:'''Oscar''': I am the Sharkslayer; ''Oscar the Sharkslayer!'', that's what people say.
:'''Lenny''': ''[coming to a realization]'' Wait. You mean you...?
:'''Oscar''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lenny''': When the anchor... ''[gasps dramatically before smirking]'' Oh, you're a liar!
:'''Oscar''': What? ''[scoffs]'' Please, I didn't lie! ''[Lenny gives him an &quot;Oh, really?&quot; glare]'' Alright, I lied. But it was a little lie!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny are sneaking through Southside drain unseen]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' Alright, Lenny. follow my every move, and don't make a sound.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' You got it. ''[echoes]'' Oh an echo. ''[a little louder]'' Echooo! Now batting for the Southside Sharks #15- ''[Oscar slaps him]'' Ow! It's not okay to hit!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Gee, if Pop knew that, he'd ice you for sure.
:'''Oscar''': [chuckles] &quot;Ice?&quot; What's he, the Godfather or somethin'?
:'''Lenny''': Yeah.
:'''Oscar''': ''[still chuckling]'' Whaddya mean &quot;Yeah?&quot;
:'''Lenny''': Yeah, he is. ''[Oscar realizes this and gulps in fear as the background spins behind him]'' Hey. Are you alright?
:''[Then the background drops backwards to the ground, and the shark from Oscar's right gobbles him up. We pull back as it was revealed to be the video game that Ernie and Bernie are playing]''
:'''Bernie''': Oh, man. I told you.
:'''Ernie''': I'm doing it.
:'''Bernie''': X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger, down, square, square.
:'''Ernie''': Oh, double square! Respect.
:'''Bernie''': Respect.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sykes is talking to Lino over the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': Oh! Hey, Sykes.
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Oscar]'' Hey, hey, hey. There he is, my brother, my player, the Sharkslayer!
:'''Oscar''': Yeah, whatever, Sykes, listen...
:'''Sykes''': ''[to Lino over the phone]'' And another thing: from now on, you're gonna have to start paying ME protection!
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, the deal is off. That shark I killed was Don Lino's son.
:'''Sykes''': I know! Ain't it great?
:'''Oscar''': Not if he finds out!
:'''Sykes''': What do you mean, &quot;find out&quot;? I've got him on the phone right now! ''[Oscar's eyes widen in fear]'' That's right, Lino. I've got the Sharkslayer right here in front of me.
:'''Oscar''': ''[throat gesture while shaking his head]'' Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
:'''Sykes''': ''[over the phone]'' And he's gonna slay you, and all your sharks.
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, shut up! '''''SHUT...UP!'''''
:'''Sykes''': Hey, hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! SHUT UP! ''[Oscar groans]'' What? Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[whispers]'' No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
:'''Sykes''': Yeah, he's right here. ''[hands Oscar the phone]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[quiet high-pitched voice]'' Hello?
:'''Don Lino''': ''[furious]'' &quot;Shut up&quot;? ''&quot;Shut up&quot;''?! You don't tell ''ME'' &quot;shut up&quot;, I tell ''YOU'' &quot;shut up&quot;! ''[as he talks, beeping is heard on the other side of the phone]'' What? Hello?
:'''Luca''': Yeah, how ya doin'? Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms-
:'''Don Lino''': ''[startled and annoyed]'' Luca!
:'''Luca''': Oh, hi, Boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?
:'''Don Lino''': '''''GET OFF THE PHONE!'''''
:'''Luca''': But I'm hungry! ''[reluctantly hangs up]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shakes his head in frustration, then returns his attention to Oscar]'' My guys are comin' for you, Sharkslayer! They're gonna tear you '''''FIN FROM FIN!''''' ''[slams the phone down, leaving Oscar frozen with horror]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still oblivious to Oscar]'' C'mon, now who's your puff daddy, huh? Who takes care of you, huh? Huh? ''[turns to Ernie and Bernie play the Sharkslayer video game]'' C'mon, you two. We've got work to do. ''[turns off the TV]''
:'''Ernie''': Aww! Mon, I was winning!
:'''Oscar''': ''[unsuccessfully tries to get Sykes' attention as the latter makes his way to the elevator]'' Sykes, Sykes, hold - Look, you've got it all wrong!
:'''Sykes''': They're gonna write songs about you, kid. ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the shark bites...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''With his teeth, dear.''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes, please!
:'''Sykes''': ''And then Oscar...''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes!
:'''Sykes''': ''Kicked his butt.''
:''[The elevator closes in Oscar's face]''
:'''Oscar''': Sykes! Sykes, man! ''[attempts to open the elevator]'' Come on!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar sneaks back to the storage room]''
:'''Angie''': ''[suddenly appears at the storage room door]'' Hello, Oscar.
:'''Oscar''': ''[screams; then catches his breath]'' Angie! Hey! W-what are you doin' here?
:'''Angie''': ''[innocently]'' What, Oscar, forget something?
:'''Oscar''': W-W-Well, I-I-I—
Angie: Maybe your forgot... [slams the door, revealing Lenny behind it']'' ...your shark?!
:'''Lenny''': ''[sipping the soda]'' Hi.
:'''Oscar''': Uh...SHARK! SWIM, ANGIE! I'LL COVER YA! GO ON WITHOUT ME!
:'''Angie''': Oh, stop it! Your pet shark told me everything!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' Dang, Lenny?! Why?!
:'''Lenny''': Don't look at me, I don't know! I like her!
:'''Angie''': ''[friendly]'' Thanks you too. ''[then furiously to Oscar]'' WHAT were you THINKING, bringing him here?!
:'''Oscar''': Well...I'm still working out the kinks...
:'''Angie''': Kinks?! You LIED! Everybody thinks you &quot;slayed the shark!&quot; How could you lie to me, Oscar?! ME?!
:'''Oscar''': Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY! ''[Angie glares at him]'' All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out, I got a small thing to take care of.
:'''Angie''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Oscar''': ''SHARKS'' are COMING to GET ME!
:'''Angie''': And they ''should''! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!
:'''Oscar''': Uh...yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the &quot;we&quot;? I don't want any part of this!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!
:'''Lenny''': Point taken. What's the plan?
:'''Angie''': Oscar, here's the plan. ''You'' tell the truth. ''[to Lenny]'' And ''you'', go home.
:''[Oscar and Lenny both stare at each other and then they both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Oscar is pretending to battle Lenny in front of the fish city]''
:'''Oscar''': Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!
:'''Lenny''': They love ''you''. They hate ''me''!
:'''Oscar''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lenny''': Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it coming!
:'''Oscar''': Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! ''[Lenny nods his head understandingly]'' Now gimme a growl!
:'''Lenny''': Okay. ''[purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face]'' Like that?
:'''Oscar''': That was...pretty good!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[on the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV]'' I don't think you understand how huge my client is. Turn on your TV right now!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn off the TV! Turn off the TV!
:''[Back to Lenny]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[from inside Lenny's mouth]'' Don't...swallow.
:'''Lenny''': Oscar?
:'''Oscar:''': No, it's Pinocchio. OF COURSE IT'S ME! Why did you do that?!
:'''Lenny''': I'm sorry...
:'''Oscar''': No, &quot;sorry&quot; is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's &quot;sorry&quot;! &quot;Sorry&quot; is when you say &quot;Hey, when's the baby due?&quot; and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as ''far away from &quot;sorry&quot;'' as you can ''possibly'' get!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
:'''Oscar''': Oh, no, no, no, no...Lenny, just open up, nice and easy. ''[Lenny opens his mouth very slowly as he pretends to free himself in front of the crowd]'' [[w:Gladiator (film)|ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!]] ''[the crowd cheers]'' [[w:A Few Good Men (film)|YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!]] ''[the crowd cheers again]'' [[w:Jerry Maguire|YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!]]
:''[The crowd cheers again; at the Whale Wash]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[still on the phone]'' Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV?! Turn it back on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Both Oscar and Lenny perform &quot;The Flying Fish&quot; as Oscar throws Lenny, who screamed, at the lights]''
:'''Lenny''': ''[falls down to the abyss with a slow motion scream, then normal]'' CURSE YOU, SHARKSLAYEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! ''[then swims next to the pipe, screams once more, then notices the echo, and snorts]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[rolls his eyes, then swims upwards; to Luca and the other sharks]'' And you tell Don ''LAME''-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! EVER! ''[they swim away in fear]'' Remember this name: '''''OSCAR THE SHARKSLAYER!'''''
:''[The crowd cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Angie sees Oscar kissing Lola]''
:'''Angie''': PRIVATE?! The entire reef saw you do it!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, whoa. Somebody's in a bad mood. C'mon, Ang, lemme see that smile. Show me the smile, baby—
:'''Angie''': Knock it off!
:'''Oscar''': Eh...What has gotten into you?
:'''Angie''': ME?! Oh, I swear, something I wanna take you big dumb dummy head and just... ''[punching her hand]'' Nnnyyyhh!!!
:'''Oscar''': Ang, Ang, what is the problem?  
:'''Angie''': Problem?! There's no problem! I don't need any problem! Miss Perfect is the one with the problem!
:'''Lenny''': Um, hey, you guys.
:'''Oscar''': What you got against Lola?
:'''Angie''': Not my lips. That's for sure. 
:'''Oscar''': Okay. What's going on?
:'''Lenny''': I'm gonna stay out of this one. 
:'''Oscar''': Look, Why would you even care about Lola anyway.  
:'''Angie''': I don't!
:'''Oscar''': Ya don't. 
:'''Angie''': No!
:'''Oscar''': No what?!
:'''Angie''': I don't know!
:'''Lenny''': Hey guys, you wanna get...
:'''Oscar and Angie''': NO!
:'''Angie''': Just tell me, Oscar, 'cause I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you believe she would even be with you if you weren't the rich and famous sharkslayer?
:'''Lenny''': Oh, you guys, please don't fight.
:'''Angie''': Are you that blind?!
:'''Oscar''': At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
:'''Angie''': Yeah, but would she love you if you were nobody?!
:'''Oscar''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOBODY LOVED ME WHEN I WAS NOBODY!'''''
:'''Angie''': ''[emotional]'' '''I DID!''' ''[Oscar is stunned; sadly swims her back on him]'' Before the money...And before the fame. ''[turns back to Oscar]'' Before the lie. To me, you were a somebody, Oscar. Now you're nothing but a fake. A sham. A con. You're a joke.
:''[Oscar felt hurt at Angie's words, Angie looked down]''
:'''Lenny''': Here I come... ''[pops out from behind the curtains]'' Ta-da! ''[singsong]'' Sebastian the Whale-Washing Dolphin! ''[mimics dolphin clicks, but looks at them when calming down]''
:'''Oscar''': Angie...
:'''Angie''': No, forget it! Just go! 'Cause I'm tired of hearing how everything you had in your life wasn't good enough. Including me.
:''[Oscar then sadly swims away]''
:'''Lenny''': Angie?
:'''Angie''': Oh, honey, I'm...I'm sorry. Go...Go back and do it again.
:'''Lenny''': Hey, come on. ''[wipes her tears away]'' It'll be okay.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[realizing he loves Angie more than Lola]'' You know, I don't think this is gonna work out.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles, but then stops]'' Wait. Are you dumping me? ''[Oscar sadly nods, but gasps as she gives him a livid glare]'' Let me explain something to you!
:''[Cut to inside]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[dancing with a fish girl]'' We're gonna party like it's your birthday... ''[they suddenly hear a thudding sound and see Lola whacking Oscar against the windows with a thunk]'' Ha! Young Love! ''[he and the other partygoers laugh]''
:''[Lola slams Oscar one more time and sulks away. Oscar slowly slides down, his saliva leaving an impression of a heart implanted on the window]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Four Tops: &quot;I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)&quot;]''
:'''Lenny''': Hey, Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': Hey, I can't talk. I gotta find Angie. I need to tell her...I love her!
:'''Man''': ''[singing] You come and you go...''
:'''Male Fish''': Way to go, Oscar.

&lt;hr widht=50%/&gt;
:'''Bernie''': Whale Wash you get a whale of a wash..
:'''Ernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' And the price is...very very low. Considering how good the wash is!
:'''Sykes''': ''[annoyed]'' Look, look, look! For the last time, it's &quot;Whale Wash: You get a whale of a wash, and the price - Oh, my gosh&quot;!
:'''Ernie''': Got it. ''[phone rings]'' Whale Wash...
:'''Bernie''': ''[grabs the phone]'' Rhymes with &quot;gosh&quot;.
:''[Bernie and Ernie laugh]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[steamed]'' That's it! Get outta here! Go be useless somewhere else!
:''[Bernie and Ernie swim away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar''': ''[answering the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Luca''': Is this the Sharkslayer?
:'''Oscar''': Yeah. Who's this?
:'''Luca''': Hi, this is Luca the Octopu...I mean...forget about it. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package... ''[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie...]'' That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down.
:'''Lenny''': ''[whispers]'' Who is it?
:'''Oscar''': Shh.
:'''Luca''': Be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes... ''[Oscar's confused]'' ...the DEAD ones! ''[Oscar became shocked]'' Now nod your head if you understand. ''[Oscar nods his head]'' Now tell me if you nodded your head.
:'''Oscar''': I nodded. ''[they both hang up]'' They got Angie. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Angie. This is all my fault.
:'''Sykes''': That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.
:''[As Oscar noticed Angie's love drawing on the clipboard]''
:'''Lenny''': They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.
:'''Oscar''': ''[after a moment of silence; determined]'' Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.
:'''Lenny''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Angie, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, &quot;Hi, Pop, I'm a dolphin!&quot;
:'''Sykes''': ''[surprised]'' Lenny?
:'''Lenny''': &quot;But my friend, the shark-scarer is a fake here now&quot;
:'''Sykes''': Fake?
:'''Lenny''': Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!
:'''Sykes''': ''[laughs]'' This is not a joke, huh, Oscar? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Lino... ''[suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Lino]''
:'''Flashback Sykes''': ''[over phone]'' Shut up, Lino! Shut up! ''[Don Lino growls]''
:''[After flashback, Sykes inflates in a fit of panic]''
:'''Sykes''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Tell you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Lenny! Tell me you're a real Sharkslayer! Please!
:'''Oscar''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry, Sykes. I'm not. ''[his mood suddenly brightens as he remembers something]'' But the sharks don't know that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Lenny &quot;eats&quot; Angie]''
:'''Oscar''': Okay, new rules. Nobody, I repeat, nobody, makes a move without my OK. I am the Panama Canal, baby. From now on, everything ''[places a spoon on Giuseppe's nose]'' flows through me.
:'''Giuseppe''': Heh?! What'd he do?! What'd he do?! I can't see it!
:'''Oscar''': You don't lose a tooth, you don't grow one back without my okay, okay?
:'''Mako Shark''': ''[nervously]'' Okay.
:''[The swordfish sneezes, stuck to the table]''
:'''Oscar''': If you sneeze, you don't wipe that boogie without my okay, okay?
:'''Orca''': ''[scared]'' Okay.
:'''Oscar''': And you don't ''say'' &quot;okay&quot; without my okay? ''Okay?!''
:''[One of the whale faints, Lenny starts gagging]''
:'''Sykes''': Oh-Oh. Okay, thank you all for coming. We gotta go.
:'''Oscar''': One more thing. What's with all y'all living in the Love Boat?
:'''Sykes''': Oscar...
:'''Oscar''': Y'all are supposed to be the mob. Get yourselves a real hideout.
:'''Lenny''': ''[gagging]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Lino]'' And take a good look, Lino. It's ''over''. You're old school...!
:'''Sykes and Lenny''': Oscar!
:'''Oscar''': What?!
:''[Lenny makes a last gag and retches out Angie, a violin, a sidewalk sweeper, a radio box and a car license plate]''
:'''Lenny''': The horror! '''THE HORROR!''' ''[one of the sharks eat the license plate; retches out a beach ball]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[chuckles]'' Um, excuse me. ''[swims over to Angie]'' Ang, are you okay?
:'''Angie''': No, I am not okay! He ''ate'' me!
:'''Lenny''': I couldn't take it. The taste is killing me!
:'''Don Lino''': ''[sees Lenny]'' Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? ''[hugs Lenny]'' I thought I lost you. ''[noticed his disguise]'' What are you wearing? Huh? What is that?
:''[Dejected, Lenny takes off his black and yellow scarf, then scrubs his nose with his sponge and takes off the red rubber band. The sharks gasps in assortment]''
:'''Luca''': Look, Boss, it's Lenny, he was wearing a disguise that can't make us recognize him, but now that Lenny wasn't wearing a disguise, we're all finally recognizing him.
:'''Lenny''': ''[still dejected]'' Hi, Pop...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[upset]'' Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Are you out of your ''mind''?! Do you have any idea how this looks?!
:'''Giuseppe''': ''[whispers to another shark]'' This is the best sit down I ever been to.
:'''Don Lino''': What are you doing with this guy?! He took out your old flesh and blood, Frankie!
:'''Lenny''': But Pop, just listen...
:'''Don Lino''': But nothing! You never take sides against the family! '''Ever!'''
:'''Oscar''': Hey, Don. Lino, Sir. Listen, it's not his fault. This is between you and me.
:'''Don Lino''': What did I ever do to ''YOU''?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! ''[turns angry]'' '''I'M GONNA GET YOU!'''
:''[Oscar shrieks, Don Lino starts chasing him]''
:'''Angie''': Oscar, look out!
:'''Lenny''': Oscar, swim! ''[opens the door]'' Swim for your life!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]''
:'''Don Lino''': ''[calling after Oscar]'' You're gonna regret the day you became the Sharkslayer!
:'''Shrimp''': ''[appears in another porthole]'' Well, well, well...look who's stuck in the porthole.
:'''Don Lino''': Huh?
:'''Shrimp''': You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends!
:''[A bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ernie''': Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price... ''[sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]'' OH MY GOSH!
:'''Bernie''': ''[not knowing]'' Hey, you got it right! ''[suddenly sees Don Lino also]''
:''[They swim away in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The crowd is cheering for Oscar for trapping Lino and Lenny in the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Oscar''': ''[finally having enough]'' '''STOP! ''I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRER!!!!''''' ''[the crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief, and Angie stops to look back]'' I lied.
:'''Don Lino''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[tearfully]'' And I'm not a real financial adviser!
:'''Oscar''': ''[awkwardly]'' Okay... ''[to Don Lino]'' It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.                 
:'''Don Lino''': ''[to Lenny]'' If that's true, why did you run away?           
:'''Lenny''': Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
:'''Oscar''': ''[to Don Lino]'' ''What'' is your ''problem''?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So ''what''?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had...until I lost it.
:''[Unnoticed by him, Angie looks moved in the background]''               
:'''Don Lino''': ''[close to tears]'' Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?
:'''Lenny''': ''[smiles tearfully]'' Oh, Pop.
:''[Oscar frees Lino and Lenny from the Whale Wash machines]''
:'''Don Lino''': Come here, you. ''[hugs Lenny]'' I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.
:'''Angie''': ''[appears]'' Oscar?
:'''Oscar''': ''[sees her]'' Angie? Oh, Angie. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I mean...I wish you knew...what I knew...before this...
:'''Crazy Joe''': You're blowin' it, man!
:'''Oscar''': Mind your business, alright?! It's emotional...and it's pressure! ''[turns back to Angie]'' What I'm sayin' is...I didn't need the Top of the Reef. Everything I ever wanted...was right in front of me the whole time.
:'''Angie''': But what about being a somebody?
:'''Oscar''': I'm a nobody without you. ''[Angie smiles. Crazy Joe pulls out his puppets making kissing noises]'' Not helping. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Angie''': Oh. Come here, you big dumb, dummy head! ''[kisses Oscar]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sykes''': Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.
:'''Don Lino''': I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!
:'''Sykes''': That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.
:'''Don Lino''': Yo?
:'''Sykes''': Yo, what's up?
:'''Don Lino''': What's up with what?
:'''Sykes''': Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...
:'''Don Lino''': ''[threatening]'' Hey, you say &quot;Yo&quot; one more time, and I'm gonna yo you!
:'''Sykes''': ''[stops]'' I'm sorry.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[arrives at Oscar's former penthouse]'' Hello? Hello? Oscar? Listen, Baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back.
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[appears in front of Lola]'' Did someone say ''crazy''?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': Hey! You gonna eat the rest of your popcorn? ''[eats the popcorn, groaning]'' Too much butter! Hey! A nacho! ''[eats the nacho]''

&lt;hr widths=50%/&gt;
:'''Crazy Joe''': ''[flies up to the end credits]'' You're not even halfway done yet.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Last lines; after the credits]''
:'''Mrs. Sanchez''': ''[opens the window; to the viewers]'' What're you still doin' here?! Get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime! ''[shuts the window]''
:''[Fades to black]''

==Taglines==
* In Fall, A New School Will Rule.
* The Story of What Happens When One Little Fish Tells a Great White Lie...
* Behind Every Little Fish is a Great White Lie.
* A New School's Gonna Rule...

==Cast==
* [[Will Smith]] — Oscar
* [[Robert De Niro|Robert de Niro]] — Don Lino
* [[w:Renée Zellweger|Renée Zellweger]] — Angie
* [[Jack Black]] — Lenny
* [[Angelina Jolie]] — Lola
* [[Martin Scorsese]] — Sykes
* [[Ziggy Marley]] &amp; [[w:Doug E. Doug|Doug E. Doug]] — Ernie and Bernie
* [[w:Michael Imperioli|Michael Imperioli]] — Frankie
* [[w:Vincent Pastore|Vincent Pastore]] — Luca
* [[w:Peter Falk|Peter Michael Falk]] — Don Fienberg
* [[w:Katie Couric|Katie Couric]] — Katie Current
* David P. Smith — Crazy Joe

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0307453|title=Shark Tale}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=shark_tale|title=Shark Tale}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about death]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films about fish]]
[[Category:Animated buddy films]]
[[Category:Buddy films]]</text>
      <sha1>ftpa1x2v1jit07ljjokp9ubei2zm4um</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Chicken Run</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>29585</id>
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      <id>3607043</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:17:27Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="24979" sha1="qlytq3jlzi06rbvupnfffgbmg3h1io0" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]], [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]].
:''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].''
{{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

[[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|&quot;Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1.&quot;&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Then there's still a chance.&quot;]]
[[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|&quot;You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!&quot;&lt;br /&gt;&quot;He must have very good hearing.&quot;]]
[[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|&quot;You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?&quot;&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!&quot;]]
[[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|&quot;You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!&quot;]]

==Mr. Willard Tweedy==
* I'll teach you to make a fool out of me!
* NOW LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THE LOT OF YOU! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM!
* I know just the one.
* I told you they was organized!

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines; The movie begins with Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence, but they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]''
:'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! 
:'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' 
:''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]''
:'''Bunty''': I'm stuck!
:''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence, but Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]''
:'''Ginger''': Get back!
:''[Dogs barking and are about to attack Ginger but Melisha Tweedy opens the front door]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her first words]'' Mr. Tweedy.
:''[Willard Tweedy looks at her]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence?
:'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his first words]'' Oh, ''[giggles]'' I don't know I...
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now!
:''[Melisha Tweedy slams the door at Willard Tweedy's face. Willard takes Ginger to a coal bin.]''
:'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[throws her in the coal bin, then turns to the other chickens]'' '''NOW LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THE LOT OF YOU!! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more eggs]''
:'''Ginger''': Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours?
:'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me, she didn't tell anyone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]''
:'''Babs''': Ohh!
:''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]''
:'''Nick''': You called? Nick and--
:'''Fetcher''': Fetcher.
:'''Nick''': At your service.
:''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]''
:'''Ginger''': Over here!
:''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]''
:'''Ginger''': We need some more things.
:'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set?
:'''Ginger''': Um, no...
:'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant?
:'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely...
:'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, &quot;Voila!&quot;
:'''Fetcher''': That IS French.
:'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream.
:'''Fetcher''': Like a duck!
:''[Nick glares at him]''
:'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them?
:'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost.
:'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]''
:'''Nick''': You call this pay?!
:'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! 
:'''Ginger''': What else could we give you?
:'''Nick''': Eggs.
:'''Ginger''': Eggs?!
:'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]''
:'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable.
:'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher.
:'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what?
:'''Nick''': Move!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet?
:'''Babs''': Uh...
:'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape.
:'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work.
:'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take?
:'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping!
:'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty?
:'''Babs''': It's a living.
:'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it, with fresh grass and green.
:'''Agnes''': And who feeds us?
:'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves.
:'''Hen''': Where is the farm?
:'''Ginger''': There is no farm.
:'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live?
:'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs.
:'''Babs''': Is he on holiday?
:'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no role call, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences!
:'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1.
:'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After everyone is yelling]''
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I?
:'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm.
:'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]''
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens...
:'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. 
:'''Ginger''': Fowler, please!
:'''Fowler''': ''And'' he's a ''yank''!
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from.
:'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave.
:'''Mac''': Scotland!
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': No! America!
:'''Chickens''': Oooh! America!
:'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]''
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa?
:'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister... Mister...?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. &quot;Rhodes&quot; for short.
:'''Agnes''': &quot;Rocky Rhodes&quot;?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Catchy, ain't it?
:'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Uh... who wants to know?
:'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers.
:''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]''
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me.
:'''Chickens''': Oooh!
:'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]''
:'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Oh, it's possible alright.
:'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Amen!
:'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say &quot;fly&quot;?
:'''Ginger''': You can teach us.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]''
:'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh!
:'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you?
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here!
:'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now!
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': You wouldn't… would you?
:'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Because I'm... cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?!
:'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': I've just decided, I don't like you.
:'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': With this wing?!
:'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then!
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': No!
:''[Ginger squawks again]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': He's valuable, you say?
:'''Circus Man''': Sure.
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on &quot;free&quot;!
:'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me!
:'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you.
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?!
:'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]''
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Time to make good on that deal, doll–
:'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]''
:'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never...
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk.
:'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk!
:'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''?
:'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work.
:'''Fowler''': You said &quot;hard work&quot; twice!
:'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]''
:'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly.
:'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing.
:'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved?
:'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress.
:'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]''
:'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now.
:'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like...
:'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish!
:'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ginger has told the chickens that the Tweedys are planning to kill them all]''
:'''Rocky''': Listen, I've met some hard-boiled eggs in my day, but I'd say you're about 20 minutes!
:'''Ginger''': And what's that supposed to mean?
:'''Rocky''': It means you gotta lighten up. You see, over in America, we have this rule - &quot;If you want to motivate someone, ''don't'' mention ''death''!&quot;
:'''Ginger''': Funny. Over here, the rule is &quot;always tell the truth&quot;!
:'''Rocky''': Uh, and hey, that's been working like a real charm, hasn't it? Here's some free advice: you want them to perform? Tell them what they wanna hear.
:'''Ginger''': You mean ''lie''? ''[exits Hut 1]''
:'''Rocky''': ''[sighs]'' Here we go again. You know what your problem is? You're... difficult!
:'''Ginger''': Why, because I'm honest? I ''care'' about what happens to them. Something I wouldn't expect a ''lone free ranger'' to know anything about!
:'''Rocky''': Hey, if this is the way you show it, I hope you never care about me!
:'''Ginger''': I can assure you, I never will!
:'''Rocky''': Good!?
:'''Ginger''': '''Fine!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]''
:'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it?
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out.
:'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh! What kind of pies?
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple.
:'''Willard Tweedy''': My favourite!
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of &quot;Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies&quot;.
:'''Willard Tweedy''': Just &quot;Missus&quot;?
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable.
:'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you.
:'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the 1. ''[walks out to get Ginger]'' ?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[on finding out Rocky can't fly. Inside joke, see Trivia]''
:'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' MRS TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned, not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying.
:'''Babs''': Are those the only choices?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and-
:'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for takeoff!
:'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way!
:'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot!
:'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption.
:'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force.
:'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots.
:'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!?
:'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!
:''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]''
:'''Hen''': We're all gonna die!
:'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!
:'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage.
:''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]''
:'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[On the flying machine]''
:'''Fowler''': We need more power!
:'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]]

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ginger slaps Rocky]''
:'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back.
:''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]''
:'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that?
:'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n, and the engines can't take it!
:''[Melisha Tweedy scares Rocky and Ginger]''
:'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors!
:'''Babs''': Bingo!
:'''Ginger''': Lower me down.
:'''Rocky''': But... Ginger...
:'''Ginger''': Just do it.
:'''Fowler''': Increase velocity!
:'''Babs''': What does that mean?
:'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!'''''
:''[Melisha Tweedy climbs the lights]''
:'''Ginger''': LOWER!
:'''Rocky''': I'm trying!
:''[Melisha Tweedy climbs the lights]''
:'''Ginger''': FOWLER LOOK OUT!
:'''Rocky''': GINGER!
:''[Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]''
:'''Rocky''': FIRE!
:'''Rocky''': FIRE!
:'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs.
:''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]''
:'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY!
:'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS!
:'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT!
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire and Ginger fakes her death]''
:'''Rocky''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''
:''[Ginger looks up at Melisha Tweedy]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken wire in front of Melisha Tweedy]''
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': HUH?
:'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]''
:'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY!
:'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR. TWEEDY!
:''[All the chickens cheer for victory]''
:'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD!
:'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[Laughing]''
:'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''[Mrs. Tweedy shrieking and gasping. The Willard Tweedy closed the door slowes and pie machine explodes]''
:'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]''
:'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''[Melisha Tweedy gets angrily, and the door falls flat on her]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat.
:'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then.
:'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from.
:'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg?
:'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg.
:'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken.
:'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out.
:'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again.
:''[The screen puts up, &quot;The End&quot;, then the bonus credits scene]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, &quot;The End&quot;, then the bonus credits scene]''
:'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken.
:'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then?
:'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from?
:'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along.
:'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place.
:'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now?
:'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg.
:'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken?
:'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'?
:'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here.
:'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv.
:'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon.
:'''Nick''': Won't happen again.
:'''Rocky''': Thanks.
:'''Nick''': Gitface.
:'''Fetcher''': Pillock.
:'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same.
:'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are.
:'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits.
:'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything.
:'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything.
:'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate.
:'''Nick''': I know.

==Deleted Dialogues==
:''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]''
:'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON!

==Taglines==
* This Ain't No Chick Flick!
* Escape or Die Frying.
* A Few Good Hen.
* There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan.
* She's Poultry In Motion.
* Feathers Will Fly!
* The Lone Free Ranger.
* It's Chicken Impossible.
* A Chicken Will Rise!
* The Cluck Stops Here.
* Run, Don't Walk!

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the hen

* [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the rooster
* [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac
* [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs
* [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty
* [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler
* [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher
* [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick
* [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Mr Tweedy farmer
* [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Mrs Tweedy farmwoman

* [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — ringmaster
* Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens

== Rolleliste ==
* Rocky – Søren Pilmark
* Ginger – Annette Heick
* Mac – Jette Sievertsen
* Babs – Trine Pallesen
* Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen
* Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger
* Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen
* Fetcher – Torben Zeller
* Nick – Claus Bue
* Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø

==== I mindre roller ====
* Vibeke Dueholm
* Louise Engell
* Puk Scharbau
* Lars Thiesgaard
* Julian T. Kellermann
* Helene W. Moe

==== Technical Credits ====
* Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard
* Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang
* Producer – Svend Christiansen

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}}
* [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site]

[[Category:2000 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:2000s British animated films]]
[[Category:American animated films]]
[[Category:British animated films]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated films]]
[[Category:British children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:British children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Prison films]]
[[Category:Films about chickens]]
[[Category:Films about animal rights]]</text>
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    <title>Sailor Moon</title>
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'''''[[w:Sailor Moon|Sailor Moon]]''''' is a shoujo manga series created by [[w:Naoko Takeuchi|Naoko Takeuchi]] in 1992 as the sequel to ''[[w:Codename wa Sailor V|Codename wa Sailor V]]''. Sailor Moon was published in Kodansha magazine from 1992 to 1997. 
Toei oversaw two anime productions, the original running from March 1992 to February 1997 being dubbed by DiC in the 1990s and then by Viz. Viz would later dub the more faithful adaption '''''[[w:Sailor Moon Crystal|Sailor Moon Crystal]]''''' which is composed of three seasons, the two-part film '''''Sailor Moon Eternal''''', and an adaption of the final arc '''''Sailor Moon Cosmos''''' that is to be released in 2023. Many spin-offs were created such as a live-musical series and a 40-episode-long live-action based on ''the Dark Kingdom'' saga.

==Manga/Sailor Moon Crystal==
* '''Sailor Moon''': I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and Justice! I am Sailor Moon! And now in the name of Moon I'll punish you!
* '''Sailor Mercury''' (first two arcs): I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and for intelligence. I am Sailor Mercury! Douse yourself in water and repent!
* '''Sailor Mercury''': Protected by Mercury, the planet of water. The Guardian of Wisdom. I am Sailor Mercury! Douse yourself in water and repent!
* '''Sailor Mars''' (first two arcs): I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and Passion. I am Sailor Mars. In the name of Mars, I'll chastise you!
* '''Sailor Mars''': Protected by Mars, the planet of fire. The Guardian of War. I am Sailor Mars. In the name of Mars, I'll chastise you!
* '''Sailor Jupiter''' (first two arcs): I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and Courage. I am Sailor Jupiter! I will let you feel so much regret, it will leave you numb!
* '''Sailor Jupiter''': Protected by Jupiter, the planet of thunder. The Guardian of Protection. I am Sailor Jupiter! I will let you feel so much regret, it will leave you numb!
* '''Sailor Venus''' (first two arcs) I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and Beauty. I am Sailor Venus! In the name of Venus, I'll punish you with the Power of Love!
* '''Sailor Venus''': Protected by Venus, the planet of beauty. The Guardian of Love. I am Sailor Venus! I'll punish you with Love. 
* '''Sailor Chibi Moon''': I am the Pretty Guardian trainee who fights for love and for justice. I am Sailor Chibi Moon. And in the name of the future moon, I'll punish you.
* '''Sailor Pluto''': Protected by Pluto, the planet of underworld. Guardian of the Underworld. I am Sailor Pluto!
* '''Sailor Neptune''': Protected by Neptune, the Planet of Oceans. Guardian of Deep Sea. I am Sailor Neptune!
* '''Sailor Uranus''': Protected by Uranus, the Planet of the Wind. Guardian of Heavens. I am Sailor Uranus!
* '''Sailor Saturn''': Protected by Saturn, the planet of Ruin. Guardian of Silence. I am Sailor Saturn!

===Dark Kingdom Arc===
===Black Moon Arc===
===Death Busters Arc===
* Cyprine and Ptitol: &quot;Welcome! Welcome to the 'Infinity Labyrinth'!&quot;

===Dream Arc/Sailor Moon Eternal===
:'''Jun-Jun''' (voice-over): &quot;Ladies and gentlemen, the circus has arrived!&quot;
:'''Ves-Ves''' (voice-over): &quot;Behold, the city of light, full of hopes and dreams!&quot;
:'''Palla-Palla''' (voice-over): &quot;Just like we imagined!&quot;
:'''Cere-Cere''' (voice-over): &quot;We've been waiting for this moment for so long!&quot;
:'''Amazoness Quartet''' (voice-over): &quot;Look out! Ready or not, here comes the Dead Moon Circus!&quot;

:'''Hawk's Eye''' (to Makoto): &quot;Won't you join the Dead Moon Circus too? Together you and I could travel the world spreading nightmares!&quot; 

:'''Queen Nehelenia''' (her form shifting to Zirconia before dissolving into dust): &quot;NO! I am the eternally beautiful Queen Nehelenia!

===Star Arc/Sailor Moon Cosmos===

==90s Sailor Moon (1-39)==
===Crybaby Usagi's Beautiful Transformation (A Moon Star is Born)===
:'''Usagi''': Ahh! The cat with the bald spot!
:'''Luna''': Uh, it's not a bald spot. Don't be rude.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask''': Sailor Moon, you have to remember that crying isn't going to solve any of your problems.
:'''Sailor Moon''': Yeah, maybe not, but I can't help it! *her loud wailing becomes weaponized and causes things to fall apart for Morga*
:'''Morga''': THE HORROR!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Luna, what do I do!?
:'''Luna:''' Throw your tiara and say ''Moon Tiara Magic.''
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What!?
:'''Luna:''' Just do it!

===Punishment Awaits: the House of Fortune Is the Monster Mansion===
: '''Haruna''': Umino What is with that outfit of yours? (Umino stars to seat a piece of bread.) Speak Up! Is this some kind of a joke? (Umino walks off and flips Haruna's skirt, exposing her panties.)
===The Mysterious Sleeping Sickness: Protect the Girls in Love (Talk Radio)===
===Learn How to Be Skinny from Usagi (Slim City)===
===Scent of a Monster: Chanela Will Steal Your Love===
===Protect the Melody of Love: Usagi Plays Cupid===
:'''Sailor Moon''': I won't let you to use beautiful music for your evil plot. I bet even [[Joseph Haydn|Haydn]], the father of music, would be really mad, too!
:'''Luna''': But [[Johann Sebastian Bach|Bach]]'s the father of music.
:'''Sailor Moon''': Don't be a know-it-all, you're making me look bad!

===Usagi Learns Her Lesson: Becoming a Star Is Hard Work (So You Want to Be a Superstar)===

===The Girl Genius Is a Monster: The Brainwashing Cram School of Horror (Computer School Blues)===
:'''Luna:''' Mercury! Amy, take this pen and shout ''Mercury Power.''

===Usagi's Disaster: Beware of the Clock of Confusion (Time Bomb)===
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Good work, Jadeite. Now we have [[w: Sailor Mercury|Sailor Mercury]] to contend with.
:'''Jadeite:''' Yes, Majesty.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Looks like we'll have to step up our efforts. We will have to have more energy to fend of those Sailor Scouts.
:'''Jadeite:''' I have a plan that should bring you all the energy you'll ever need. 
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Go on.
:'''Jadeite:''' Humans emit powerful amounts of energy when under stress or pressed for time. So my plan is to speed up the process.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Ready, Mercury?
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Yes! Let's clean her clock!

===The Cursed Bus: Enter Mars, the Guardian of Fire (An Uncharmed Life)===
:'''Serena''': Disguise power! Turn me into a flight attendnant or something!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Raye's got the sign of [[w: Mars|Mars]]!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Do you still have that stick I left you?
:'''Raye:''' How come you know how to talk?
:'''Luna:''' No time to explain! Just take that stick and say ''Mars Power.''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Raye's a Sailor Scout, too?
:'''Sailor Mars:''' You messed with the wrong people! ''Mars Fire...Ignite!'' ''[original attack name: Fire Soul]'' 

===Usagi vs. Rei: Nightmare in Dream Land (Nightmare in Dreamland)===
===I Want a Boyfriend: The Luxury Cruise Ship Is a Trap (Cruise Blues)===
:'''Usagi''': I got separated from my crew when I got on board and got lost.
:'''Jadeite''' (disguise as ship's captain): Oh, I see. You've got a bit of a problem, huh?
:'''Usagi''': (sporting puppy-dog eyes) I know, we can go look for my friends together!
:'''Jadeite''': (looking really awkward and nervous) Uh, okay? (Something about this woman bothers me.)

===Girls Unite: The End of Jadeite (Fight to the Finish)===
:'''Sailor Mars''': And what exactly about you is beautiful?
:'''Sailor Moon''': Just look! You can't deny that I'm more beautiful than you are.
:'''Sailor Mars''': Okay, I'll humor you 'cause you're dumb.
:'''Sailor Moon''': Well, my nose is clearly more beautiful than yours!
:'''Sailor Mars''': (laughs) What nose? It looks like somebody put a thumb tack on your face.
:'''Sailor Moon''': (tears up) That is so mean!

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Jadeite returns to the Negaverse hideout, bruised and battered'')
:'''Jadeite:''' Queen Beryl, I have important information for you.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' You have failed to defeat the Sailor Scouts, Jadeite!
:'''Jadeite:''' But, Queen Beryl, I have learned the identities of the Sailor Scouts! I know who they are!
:'''Queen Beryl:''' I will hear no excuses! ''Sleep, forever!''
:'''Jadeite:''' Queen Beryl, wait!!
:(''Uses her hypnotic gaze to have him disappear'')
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Let Jadeite's fate be a warning to all of you!! You, Nephrite, are my new commander.
:'''Nephrite:''' Jadeite was a fool. You can depend on me, my queen.

===A New Enemy Appears: Nephrite's Evil Crest (Match Point for Sailor Moon)===
:'''Nephrite:''' Jadeite failed because he tried to collect energy from too many people at once.
:'''Queen:''' And you have a better idea?
:'''Nephrite:''' Humans' energy are linked with stars and planets. There is a time when their energy is at their strongest.

===Usagi's Panic: Rei's First Date (An Unnatural Phenomena)===
:'''Serena:''' I wonder what they're talking about. It better not be my hair!
:'''Luna:''' Why don't you make yourself invisible?
:'''Serena:''' Good idea, Luna. (''Takes out her disguise pen'')
:'''Luna:''' Give me that!
:'''Serena:''' What for?
:'''Luna:''' That Luna pen should not be used for trivial things.
:'''Serena:''' This isn't trivial.

===A Girl's Dream: Usagi Becomes a Bride (Wedding Day Blues)===
:'''Umino''' (about Miss Haruka being proposed to:) It's not the ideal situation, but as long as they love each other...
:'''Usagi''': Give me the ideal or nothing! I believe in impossibly high standards!

===Usagi's a Model: The Flash of the Monster Camera (Shutter Bugged)===
===Shingo's Love: The Grieving Doll (Dangerous Dollies)===
===Usagi's Joy: A Love Letter from Tuxedo Mask (Who Is That Masked Man?)===

===The Summer, the Beach, Youth and Ghosts===
===Protect the Children's Dreams: Friendship Through Anime (An Animated Mess)===
===Romance Under the Moon: Usagi's First Kiss (Worth a Princess's Ransom)===
===Wish Upon a Star: Naru's First Love (Molly's Folly)===
===Naru's Tears: Nephrite Dies for Love (A Friend in Wolf's Clothing)===
:'''Molly''' Neflite!
:'''Neflite''' Sailor Moon?
:'''Sailor Moon''' Yes?
:'''Neflite''' It looks like your true identity will remain a secret. (Groans)
:'''Sailor Moon''' What are you saying?
:'''Neflite'''' (Dying) Sorry.
:'''Molly''' For what?
:'''Neflite''' Don't think we'll be having a chocolate parfait!
:'''Molly''' (Sobs) Oh Please!!!!
:'''Neflite''' (Laughs) Sorry I lied to you again but this time, forgive me.
:'''Molly''' (Sobs)
:'''Neflite''' Don't forget me, I just want you to know that you're in my heart.

===Jupiter, the Powerful Girl in Love (Jupiter Comes Thundering In)===
*Lita, [[w:Sailor Jupiter|Sailor Jupiter]] the Sailor Guardian of Thunder and Protection, makes her first appearance.
*Sailor Moon is given the Crescent Moon Wand by Luna. She uses ''Moon Healing Activation'' to return the monster to his original human self.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Zosite:''' These Rainbow Crystals, is it true that our seven shadows are imprisoned inside of them?
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Unfortunately yes, Zosite. The Seven Shadows were my finest warriors in the war against [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]]. But she trapped them inside the white-hot light of the Silver Crystal, then hurled them into space. But somehow the Crystal shattered into the seven Rainbow Crystals, each shadow locked in each piece. I want them free!!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' The fourth sign!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Usagi''': (After being offered Lita's rice balls) Uh well actually, I'm not really a Big Eater... 
:'''Umino''': ...What? 
:'''Usagi''': ...but since you offered— (tries a rice ball)
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Lita is Sailor Jupiter.
:'''Monster:''' Jupiter, Smopiter.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What's this, Luna?
:'''Luna:''' It's the Crescent Moon Wand. Use it and say ''Moon Healing Activation''. It'll break the spell.
:’’’Sailor Moon:’’’ MOON HEALING ACTIVATION!
(The Monster vanishes and Joe returns back to normal)
:’’’Sailor Jupiter:’’’ It’s Joe! He’s back!
(Joe faints)
:’’’Sailor Moon:’’’ Wow! Cool!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Sailor Jupiter, you were most impressive. You're going to make a fine Sailor Scout.
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Thanks, Luna. I'm glad you think so.
:'''Luna:''' Sailor Moon, the Crescent Moon Wand is an important item of our mission. It's the symbol of our leader.

===Restore Naru's Smile: Usagi's Friendship (The Power of Friendship)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Princess Serenity:''' Tuxedo Mask.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Huh?
:'''Princess Serenity:''' You must find the Silver Imperium Crystal.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Show me your face!
:'''Princess Serenity:''' You must find the Crystal now, it is the key to everything. But you must hurry, Tuxedo Mask. Evil forces are closing in on it. We can't let them. Please, Tuxedo Mask. Help me. Help me be free again!
:(''Darien Shields wakes up from his recurring dream'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Zosite, I must commend you for finding the first Rainbow Crystal. But you know there are six more to be recovered.
:'''Zosite:''' Yes, Your Majesty. I was just about to find out the next one.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Amy:''' Did you find something more about our enemy?
:'''Luna:''' I checked in with Central Control and I learned that the Negaverse is now after something called the Rainbow Crystals.
:'''Raye:''' I thought they were after energy.
:'''Lita:''' Yeah, but maybe these crystals gives them more energy?
:'''Luna:''' Whatever it is, it's not going to be good. But if they get their hands on those crystals, the universe is history.
:'''Amy:''' Why the crystals?
:'''Luna:''' Well, it's a long story that goes back over a thousand years ago, when the Moon Kingdom and Negaverse were at war''':'''
:The Negaverse sent their most terrifying warriors, the Seven Shadows, against the Moon Kingdom. They battled for days. The tide turning when [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]] trapped the Shadows inside the Silver Imperium Crystal. She hurled them into space, but somehow the Crystal shattered into the seven Rainbow Crystals; a shadow warrior locked into each piece. They disappeared into Earth's atmosphere and were reborn inside humans who carry the Crystals' but have no memory of their former existence. The Silver Imperium Crystal is the key to the universe. That's why the Negaverse wants the Rainbow Crystals so badly. They got one from game-machine Joe. Count on them coming back for the other six. If they get all seven, we're doomed.  
:'''Lita:''' I think we can handle 'em. Sailor Moon and I dusted that game-machine monster easy.
:'''Raye:''' Yeah, with a little assist from Tuxedo Mask.
:'''Amy:''' Luna, how are we supposed to know where these Rainbow Crystals are anyway?
:'''Luna:''' There's an alarm in the Crescent Moon Wand that reacts to them.
:'''Lita:''' I thought the Crescent Moon Wand was for transforming people back from Nega-Monsters?
:'''Luna:''' It is, but it's also got a homing device that will track down the Rainbow Crystals.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' I told you! We got to find the one who has that Crystal before the Negaverse do. You better call the Scouts for backup.
:'''Serena:''' Does this mean I'm gonna miss the ''Sailor V'' movie?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Sailor Moon, did you see who got the Crystal?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' I sure did. And he left me this star locket. There's something familiar about it.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Darien:''' I knew it! I am Tuxedo Mask. Just like the dream. Now if I could just find out who the Princess is.

===Crushing on Ami: The Boy Who Can See The Future (Mercury's Mental Match)===

===The Painting of Love: Usagi and Mamoru Get Closer (An Artful Attack)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Zosite, present yourself. You failed me twice so far. You're as bad as your predecessor Nephrite. Explain why our enemies have two of the Rainbow Crystals and we you've on;y brought back one? You showed such promise, Zosite. I had such high expectations for you.
:'''Zosite:''' Please, Queen Beryl! Give me another chance to prove myself. This time I know I'll succeed.  
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Serena:''' You got another one?
:'''Luna:''' No. That's the same one that fell out of your backpack.
:'''Serena:''' That's weird. I don't remember it falling out. 
:'''Luna:''' I know. You're much too careless with that wand.
:'''Serena:''' Are you mad at me?
:'''Luna:''' Well, I must say, out of all the Sailor Scouts, you're the only one who almost dumped the Crescent Moon Wand in the river.
:'''Serena:''' Why are you always comparing me to them? You're so mean!!
:(''Serena runs off'')
:'''Luna:''' She's finally getting a backbone. I thought for sure she'd wail.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Where did you it, Tuxedo Mask? It is from the Moon Princess? Do you know her?
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' No, at least I don't think so.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Total Chaos: The Messy Love Rectangle (Too Many Girlfriends)===
*The blue Rainbow Crystal is found and taken by Zosite. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' I thought you were in love with Andrew.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' He's yours. Tuxedo Mask is my league.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Grandpa Loses Control: Rei in Danger (Grandpa's Follies)===
*Raye does not call out ''Mars Power'' to transform into [[w:Sailor Mars|Sailor Mars]], Scout of War and Fire.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Love and Chased: Luna's Worst Day Ever (Kitty Chaos)===

===Umino's Resolve: I'll Protect Naru (Tuxedo Melvin)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''About the Rainbow Crystals'')
:'''Malachite:''' Look at them, Zosite. They're beautiful.
:'''Zosite:''' But we still need three.
:'''Malachite:''' Yes, that's true. But I have absolutely have no doubt you'll be able to get them back from our enemies in time. I believe in you.
:'''Zosite:''' Then the negaverse will be free. And the universe will be ours, all ours, Malachite.
:'''Malachite:''' Don't get ahead of yourself. We're still need to figure out how to transform these crystals into the Imperium Silver Crystal. And a long way from pleasing Queen Beryl.
:'''Zosite:''' We must please the queen. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Enter Venus, the Last Sailor Guardian (Sailor V Makes the Scene)===
*[[w:Sailor Venus|Sailor Venus]], the Sailor Scout of Love and Beauty, makes her debut, as does her feline guardian Artemis.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Raye:''' Luna, could she be the fifth Sailor Scout?
:'''Luna:''' You know, I got no clue on this one.
:’’’Serena:’’’ Well if she is the fifth Sailor Scout, there’s no way that no go show phony is stealing my name. I was Sailor Moon first and it’s gonna stay that way!
:’’’Lita:’’’ (Serious) If that is her, that girl’s gonna pay!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Whoa! She set us free. Sailor Venus. She's our fifth Scout, you guys.
:'''Artemis:''' Thar's right, Sailor Scouts. The fifth Scout's  here. Now her guardian, Artemis. Meet Sailor Venus! We're united at last. Looking sharp there, kitty cat.
:'''Luna:''' You haven't changed.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' It's great to be here.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Oh. Are you the moon princess we're looking for?
:'''Sailor Venus:''' I don't know.

===The Shining Silver Crystal: The Moon Princess Appears (A Crystal Clear Destiny)===
*Serena and Darien reveal their identities as Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask.
*The Imperium Silver Crystal affixes to the Crescent Moon Wand, further developing and magnifying its healing abilities significantly.
*The almighty Silver Imperium Crystal is revealed, as the identity of the long-lost [[w:Princess Serenity|Princess of the Moon]]: Sailor Moon herself.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Thanks for saving us, Sailor Venus.
:'''Sailor Venus:''' No problem. I'm just really excited I'm finally getting to meet you guys. We'll be a super team.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Oh, boy are we glad to have ya.
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Yes, now we're finally a full-fledged team.
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' The Sailor Scouts.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Malachite:''' Queen Beryl, I know we can get all those crystals back.
:'''Zosite:''' Give me one more chance. I'll get those crystals, then get ride of Tuxedo Mask once and for all.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' I don't want to get rid of him now.
:'''Malachite:''' But he wants those crystals, my queen.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' I've decided to bring Tuxedo Mask here. He can be a great value to us.
:'''Zosite:''' But we don't know who he is.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' You don't but I do. Now be quiet and listen to my orders.
:'''Malachite:''' Yes, Your Majesty.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Serena:''' Darien, why are you after the Rainbow Crystals? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that's pretty nosy of me, huh?
:'''Darien:''' I want to know who I am.
:'''Serena:''' Huh?
:'''Darien:''' You see, I've never know who I really am or where I come from. I mean, I'm not even sure my real name is Darien. I was an orphan in a terrible car crash when I was really young. I lived at the orphanage until I could get a job. It never bothered me much until I kept having this recurring dream. There's this princess waiting for me. She's keeps begging me to bring her this Imperium Silver Crystal. I think she can tell me who I am. What's weirder is that even though it's only a dream, I feel as though I met this girl. Pretty crazy, huh?
:'''Serena:''' Oh.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' It's up to you now to get the Crystals. And I want you to know: I'm on your side and always will be.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' The crystals! They're becoming one. The Imperium Silver Crystal!
:'''Artemis:''' What happens now?
:'''Luna:''' Don't know. Maybe the Princess we be revealed.
:(''The Silver Crystal attaches to the Crescent Moon Wand, greatly magnifying its abilities a hundredfold, and calls Sailor Moon to it'')
:'''Sailor Venus:''' It's Sailor Moon!
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' ''She's'' the moon princess!
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Who'd have thought?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Returning Memories: Usagi and Mamoru's Past (A Reluctant Princess)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Zosite:''' Enough with all your silly chatter! I want that Imperium Silver Crystal and I'm gonna get it!! Zoi!
:'''Princess Serena''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Cosmic Moon Power.''
:(''Unleashes a wave a light pink light from the Silver Crystal which is on the Crescent Moon Wand'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Princess Serena:''' Tuxedo Mask, I feel you are growing weaker. Please do not go. I need you.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' You're finally free, Serena. You're free and no I remember everything. It's all so clear. I am Prince Darien.
:'''Princess Serena:''' Yes, Prince Darien. I am remembering now, too. I am Princess Serena of the Moon Kingdom. And you were a prince from Earth. One day, we were to marry. I can picture the last time we were together. I gave you my star locket so you would always remember me. It was right before our last battle with the Negaverse. And you were going to defend our kingdom from the dark forces. You did come back. And you set me free, like in our dream. Oh. We are free.
:(''Reverts back to Sailor Moon and faints'')
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Sailor Moon! She collapsed! What happened?
:'''Luna:''' This whole thing must have been too much for her.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Zosite''' (''weakly'')''':''' Nobody's going anywhere. I hope you had a look at your princess, 'cause she's going back into history. You're all history.
:(''Malachite teleports'')
:'''Malachite:''' Zosite, you're trembling.
:'''Zosite:''' Help me, Malachite. Help me get them all before they escape. They'll find the exit and take the Imperium Crystal with them.
:'''Malachite:''' No they won't. They'll never find there way out of here! We'll get that Crystal back. Don't you worry. But there's something else we gotta take, too.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Oh, excellent work. The Moon Princess now has the Imperium Crystal. So what are you going to do about it, Malachite!?
:'''Malachite:''' Oh, we'll get it back. Don't you worry, my queen. After all, she's only a young girl really a crybaby! You think this kid can pull off being the moon princess!? I very much doubt that!
:'''Queen Beryl:''' You better be right. I'll give you another chance. Now, Zosite, please explain your behavior regarding Tuxedo Mask!
:'''Zosite:''' Please, Your Majesty. It was an accident.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' First the elevator then the ice crystal!!? Did you think I wouldn't know!!?
:'''Zosite:''' No. It's just-
:'''Queen Beryl:''' ''You been warned for the last time!! You won't disobey me again!!''
:'''Malacite:''' Please Queen Beryl, it's my fault I trained her, Queen Beryl!!!
(Queen Beryl uses dark powers and killing Zosite as Zoisite screams and Malacite watches in horror)
:'''Malacite:''' Nooo!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' To more important matters. O, great negaforce, do we have enough energy to turn Tuxedo Mask to our side?
:'''Metalia:''' Yes, but he's very weak. You must go slowly, and have to erase all memories of his he regained with the Princess.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Then he'll be ours, all ours! And I'll turn him against the Princess and get that Crystal back!!
:'''Metalia:''' you've finally succeeded at something, Beryl. Now give me the necessary energy!
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Of course, my master.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Malacite:''' (Sits on Zoisite's bed) Oh Zoisite, I'm so sorry! It's not fair! Queen Beryl should've punished me for not teaching you to be more patient! I'm so sorry I failed you.
:'''Zoisite:''' Hold me. (Malacite grabs Zoisite up) (groaning) the only one who failed was me Malacite. You told me not to seek revenge but I didn't listen. (Groaning) Promise just promise me one last thing, Malacite.
:'''Malacite:''' Anything!
:'''Zoisite:''' Don't forget me! (Dies)
:'''Malacite:''' I would never. Goodbye my love.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Darien is a very stubborn man. Erasing his memory is taking longer than I thought. Tell me who you are!
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' I am Darien.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Not much longer. Very soon you'll be warrior for the Negaverse. Your first assignment''':''' Getting the Silver Crystal back from Princess Serena.

===Usagi's Confusion: Is Tuxedo Mask Evil? (Bad Hair Day)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Malachite:''' I found a way to trap her before she becomes Sailor Moon.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Really.
:'''Malachite:''' This is a piece of her hair that she left behind in the last fight. We'll analyze it and find the girl who matches it. We'll make her transform and give up the Crystal.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Very well. Proceed, Malachite.
:'''Malachite:''' Thank you, Queen Beryl.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Mina:''' Tuxedo Mask's working for the Negaverse. Sailor Moon's in for it for sure. 
:(''takes out the magical transformation pen Artemis had given her'') 
:'''Mina:''' ''Venus...Power!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Quick! Use your wand!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Healing...Activation!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' You're okay now? You're with us?
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Keep your distance, Mars. He's no friend of ours now. He's been brainwashed by the negaverse. Who knows what he might do? I know he can't be trusted. It's true. That Nega-Monster was taking orders from him. He's Queen Beryl's man now and don't think for a minute he's working for anybody but her.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' [[w:Sailor Venus|Venus]] has got it right. You're my enemy now and I won't stop until that Crystal is mine!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Let's Become a Princess: Usagi's Bizarre Training (Little Miss Manners)===
===The Snow, the Mountains, Friendship and Monsters (Ski Bunny Blues)===

===Paired with a Monster: Mako, the Ice Skating Queen (Ice Princess)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(Janelyn and Misha are at the ice rink doing ice skating routines. Misha grabs Janelyn, but Janelyn falls on the ice. Janlyn gets angry.)
:'''Janelyn''': Just What are you trying to do Misha?
:''[Serena falls on the ice seconds after stepping onto it]''
:'''Amy''': Serena!
:'''Raye''': We don't know her.
: '''Janelyn:''': That was very good! Everyone, get on the ice. Let's Skate!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===The Legendary Lake Yokai: The Bond of Usagi's Family (Last Resort)===

===I Won't Run Away from Love Anymore: Ami vs. Mamoru (Tuxedo Unmasked)===
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Healing...Activation!!''
:(''The great powers of the Crescent Moon Wand, combined with the vast power of the Imperium Silver Crystal, affects Tuxedo Mask'')
:'''Luna:''' It's Beryl.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Great! Now all those flashbacks have to be erased!

===Sailor Venus' Past: Minako's Tragic Love===
:'''Minako Aino''': This is how it should be. He chose you, Katarina. As long as you two are happy, that's what counts. That's what matters.

===Usagi Abandoned: The Falling-Out of the Sailor Guardians (Fractious Friends)===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon''': All right, that's it! You're not allowed to use my butt for practice kicks!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Usagi's Awakening: A Message from the Distant Past (The Past Returns)===
*Sailor Moon meets a hologram of [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]],who was her mother during her previous life as Princess Serena.
*How the negaverse was defeated the first time is revealed.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Malachite:''' Hey, Sailor Moon, lets make a deal! Hand over that crystal and I won't toast your friends!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' No deals with double-crossing sleaze balls like you! Get ready! The Negaverse is dust.
:'''Malachite:''' Empty threats, Sailor Moon! We wasted [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]], and we'll do the same to you!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' How do you know about Queen Serenity, huh!?
:'''Malachite:''' Because I was there on that glorious day when we trashed the Moon Kingdom. And let me tell you something, brat, you got a lot to learn! You're no Queen Serenity!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Liar! She would not have send crumbs like you into the future with us! ''You're lying!'' And you're not getting my Crystal!! 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What is this place? It feels familiar somehow.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' That's because it's your home, Serena. It's what is left of the Moon Kingdom.
: (''A hologram of the silver-haired Queen of the Moon appears before her'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What's going on here? How come you know my name? Are you for real?
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Oh, Serena. You haven't changed at all. Still asking a million questions just as a curious a kitten. But I'm not surprised you don't remember me. That's the way I arranged things. I am your mother, Queen Serenity.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' You mean we're actually back on the Moon? It's not some won-go dream or something?
:'''Queen Serenity:''' No, Serena. It's not a dream. This is definitely real. And since you all found your way here, it must be time you learned the truth. I'll take you back to the final days of our kingdom.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Serenity:''' I'm sure Luna told you all about the Silver Millennium when all the planets were at peace. The whole universe was a happy place. And our Moon Kingdom was the happiest place of all. There were fireworks and parties every night, and dancing and laughing. I raised you to follow in my footsteps and rule the Moon. But most of the time you spent staring at the Earth. For you've fallen in love with a young man from there.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Prince Endymion:''' Serena.
:'''Princess Serena:''' Endymion, oh, finally you are here.
:'''Prince Endymion:''' I have some bad news, Princess.
:'''Princess Serena:''' You cannot come to the ball?
:'''Prince Endymion:'''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Takes a hold of the Crescent Moon Wand, with the Silver Crystal affixed to it, ready to die fighting'')
:'''Luna:''' Queen Serenity if you use the Imperium Silver Crystal, you won't have any strength left.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' It's the only way Luna. I must sacrifice my kingdom if we are to regain our peace. ''Cosmic Moon Power!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Majesty, you did it.
:'''Artemis:''' They're gone. You beat 'em.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' I trapped them all, yes. If I had destroyed them, I would have destroyed Serena and the others too. Now they're all inside the power of the Crystal, and now I must send them to a new future on Earth.
:'''Luna:''' But you saved them. Why are you so sad?
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Because none of them will remember anything about this time or this place. Nothing. And I'll never see my sweet daughter again or you two either. But this is the only way for any of you to live on. I have enough power left to send everything you'll need in the future to Earth. Serena and her court will need your help if the Negaverse ever breaks free.
:'''Luna and Artemis:''' Yes.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' All of you will be [[w: reincarnation |reborn]] on Earth with no memory of the Moon Kingdom whatsoever, but if evil forces should try to repeat what happened here, you two will know what to do. Now, farewell, all of you, and good luck. Goodbye, Serena. You are in my heart always. Be happy. On behalf of the Moon, you will be free again. Perhaps we'll meet again.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' She saved all of us.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' She sure did.
:'''Sailor Venus:''' She's the reason we're here.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' (After seeing her friends gave up by Malacite's purple energy boomerang) My Friends!!! (Gets Angry) I'm Sailor Moon! Champion of justice, princess of the moon kingdom and you're worst nightmare!!! On be half of the moon I will right all wrongs! And triumph over evil! And you're the worst kind of evil!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' (Activates wand) Cosmic Moon Power!
:'''Malacite:''' Huh? (Covers himself and saw Sailor Moon in her ultimate power form) I'm not letting this moon child defeat me! She's no match for the nega power!!!!
(Screams and throws energy boomerang and where Sailor Moon swings it away like a baseball bat and stabs it through Malacite)
:'''Malacite:''' (Screams in pain) I'm... Losing strength! (Dying) Zoisite! It's me! I'll be coming to join you real soon, Zoisite! Do you hear me?! (Dies and vanishes)

===Death of the Sailor Guardians: The Tragic Final Battle/Usagi's Eternal Wish: A Brand New Life (Day of Destiny)===
*This is two-part Season 1 finale, combined into one episode in the DiC English dub.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Raye:''' So we;re finally gonna meet Beryl. Are you ready, Scouts?
:'''Amy:''' This will be our toughest fight ever. 
:'''Serena:''' Raye, major question: You didn't forget to kiss Chad goodbye, did ya?
:'''Raye:''' Oh!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''In Beryl's throne room'')
:'''Queen Beryl:''' So the Sailor Scouts want pay us a visit. Finally! It's about time. So, who wants to greet our guests and earn a place in Nega history? Any volunteers?
:'''Doom &amp; Gloom Girl:''' We'll greet 'em, Queen Beryl. 
:'''Queen Beryl:''' The Doom and Gloom girls. Perfect. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Finally she's alone. At last! Sailor Moon, we finally meet face-to-face.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Darien, no! ''Moon Healing Escalation!''
:'''Queen Beryl:''' It's no use! You can't heal him. Not even your crystal can break the spell I cast! Prince Darien is mine! Now and forever!!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon''' (''moans'')''':''' Oh, my wand.
:'''Queen Beryl:''' Now, Prince Darien, get me that crystal and get rid of her. She caused me enough aggravation.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Prince Endymion:''' Thank you. I'm free.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' I know, Darien. I know.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Beryl:''' I can't be defeated again. I've waited too long for this! Tell me how to win this!
:'''Metalia:''' Don't wine at me, Beryl. You're nearly as incompetent as your minions. I should abandon you, but I'm giving you this last chance! Use it well!
:(''Metalia converting Beryl, who screams in terror, into her vessel Super Beryl'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
;'''Princess Serena:''' (After Beryl's Laugh, she sees Sailor Moon walking towards her with a purpose) Better enjoy that laugh Beryl. It's the last laugh you ever had. You won't rule the universe as long as I live.
;'''Super Beryl:''' We better get this over with!
;'''Princess Serena:''' Let's get to it!
;'''Super Beryl:''' You don't have what it takes! Bye bye Sailor Moon! (Screams as she throws a power dagger on her until in crystal she emerges in her moon princess form)
:'''Princess Serena:''' I will defeat you, Beryl, in the name of the Moon.
:'''Super Beryl:''' You? Pitiful, little Princess Serena?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Princess Serena:''' I hear you, Luna. I am not afraid anymore.
:'''Super Beryl:''' ''You should be!!''
:'''Princess Serena:''' ''Cosmic Moon Power.'' Fight this evil. (thinking) ''Do not give up, Serena. You can do this.'' I am not letting you win this one, you witch. My friends are counting on me. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Flashes back to her good friends' words of help and support'')
:'''Amy:''' Hey, Serena. I'll help you finish this assignment if you want.
:'''Raye:''' You are so stubborn, Serena! Let us help or I'll never speak to you again.
:'''Lita:''' Yeah. Let us help you put her away. Still too many guys we oughta meet.
:'''Mina:''' Let us help. We haven't known each other long enough for it to end yet.
:(''End of flashbacks'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Princess Serena:''' I do need all of you. Please, help me.
:(''Ghostly figures of the five Sailor Scouts of the Inner Solar System appear'')
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' ''Mercury Power!''
:'''Sailor Mars:''' ''Mars Power!''
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' ''Jupiter Power!''
:'''Sailor Venus:''' ''Venus Power!''
:'''Princess Serena:''' ''Cosmic Moon Power!! Ignite!''
:(''The Silver Imperium Crystal's power becomes even stronger'')
:'''Super Beryl:''' This cant be!! NOOOO!!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Princess Serena:''' Beryl is gone, blasted back to the Negaverse. The universe is safe again, thanks to you, my friends. Finally we have a chance for peace, real peace.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Artemis:''' I'm really proud of our Scouts. They really did it.
:'''Luna:''' Yes. Only now they don't remember any of it. They don't remember being friends or Sailor Scouts- nothing.
:'''Artemis:''' Don't worry. All they gotta do is meet up, become friends, and then maybe they'll remember.
:'''Luna:''' I sure hope so. But what about Serena and Darien?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

==Sailor Moon R (Episodes 40-81)==
===The Return of Sailor Moon===
*This 13-episode arc never happened in the manga.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Serena:''' It's a nightmare, right? This isn't happening!
:'''Luna:''' Run, Serena! Run for your life!
:'''Serena:''' Now my cat is talking!! Reality check... talking cat, yucky flower monster - it's gotta be that third piece of rhubarb pie! This is a dream! I can take control of it!
:'''Luna:''' Uh-oh... 
:'''Serena:''' Hey you, Ms. Flower Power! Keep your icky petals to yourself, because if you don't, I will punish you! ''[pauses]'' &quot;Punish you&quot;? Hey, why does that sound so familiar??
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' I have no choice. I have to revive Sailor Moon. The Luna mind-meld should help.

===So You Want to Stay in Pictures===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon''': I really don't know what you're up to, but I'm here to stop you! Understand?
:'''Luna''': Smooth opening line, Serena!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Cherry Blossom Time===
*Serena receives the Crystal Star Broach from her mother to transform into the second evolution of her standard Sailor form by calling out ''Moon Crystal Power''. The Crescent Moon Wand is replaced by the Cutie Moon Rod, its attack being ''Moon Princess Halation''.
*Final appearance of [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]] in the entire anime.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Princess Serena.
:'''Serena:''' [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]].
:'''Queen Serenity:''' I'm here in your mind, my dear. And I'll always be here whenever you need me, my dearest daughter.
:'''Serena:''' Can you help me, please? I do not know how to save my friends.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' The power's in the locket.
:(''A vision of the Moon Kingdom appears, with Serena in full moon princess attire'')
:'''Princess Serena:''' The Imperium Crystal.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' The strength of your desire to save your friends makes the Silver Crystal glow bright and strong again.
:(''The Silver Crystal falls in the broken transformation broach, and turns into the Crystal Star broach'')
:'''Princess Serena:''' Look at it. It is beautiful.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Luna, keep an eye on her as you always do. Help her succeed.
:'''Luna:''' Sure.
:'''Princess Serena:''' With the power in this crystal, I can save my friends.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Dear princess, remember the Silver Moon Crystal has not regained all its power. But the stronger your desire to save your friends, the stronger it will become, and then you'll become the moon princess once more.
:'''Princess Serena:''' I will make you proud, Queen Serenity. Mother.
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Now say ''Moon Crystal Power.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Serenity:''' Princess Serena. This moon scepter will help you in your quest.
:(''The Cutie Moon Rod is given to Sailor Moon'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Queen Serenity. Thanks. ''Moon Scepter...Illumination!!''

===Raye's Day in the Spotlight===
:'''Serena''': You know what, Raye? You were really something tonight.
:'''Raye''': Thank you.
:'''Serena''': I was also thinking, you're really a hard worker, aren't you Raye?
:'''Raye''': You know, it would hurt you to give it a try one of these days Serena.
:'''Serena''': And what's that supposed to mean?!
:'''Raye''': That you're a lazy doughnut snorting couch potato!
:'''Serena''': I take back everything I said!

===Treed===
This the thirteen and final last episode of an arc that never happened in the manga. It is followed the actual saga ''Black Moon'', of 29 episodes.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tree of Life:''' Sailor Moon, a favor?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Yes?
:'''Tree of Life:''' Help me be myself again.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(After using the great powers of her Cutie Moon Scepter'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Oh no. I killed the Tree!
:'''Moonlight Knight:''' No, Sailor Moon. You healed it.

===Serena Times Two===
*This is the first episode of the ''Black Moon'' saga, the second arc of the manga.
*[[w:Sailor Mini Moon|Rini]] (Chibiusa) makes her debut appearance.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Mr. Tsukino''': (annoyed) Serena. If you keep up this behavior, we're going have to ground you understand?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Sailor Mercury Moving On?===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Presents the stronger Star Power Sticks'')
:'''Artemis:''' So here are some new power tools for you guys and a wrist communicator.
:'''Luna:''' I think you'll like them. They're ten times much stronger than the old ones. 
:'''Serena:''' But what are we going to do with [[w: Sailor Mercury|Sailor Mercury]]'s new stuff?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===The Secret of the Luna Sphere===
*[[w:Sailor Pluto|Sailor Pluto]], the outer Sailor Scout of Space-Time, makes her debut as a vision.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Please don't be afraid of me, Sailor Scouts. My name is Sailor Pluto. I guard the door of time and space.
:'''Serena:''' Whoa. Another Sailor Scout. Are you the one Rini calls Luna P?
:'''Luna:''' Sailor Pluto. Artemis, there's another Sailor Scout.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Please. You must help the small lady or she will perish.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Future Shocked===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Poor [[w: Sailor Pluto|Sailor Pluto]]. I heard about her long ago from [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]]. A solitary Soldier, guarding the Gate of Time for all eternity.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' What a responsibility.
:'''Luna:''' Very few people have had the chance to meet her.
:'''Sailor Venus:''' And what a lonely life.
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Then I guess we're very privileged, aren't we?
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Goodbye, Sailor P.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Legend of the Negamoon===
:'''Sailor Moon:''' This Neo Queen Serenity you speak of, who can use the Silver Crystal...Could she be? Could she be, uh...?
:'''King Endymion:''' Yes. Neo Queen Serenity is your future self, Sailor Moon.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What!!? I'm going to be queen of the Earth!? And my first-grade teacher said I wouldn't make it out of grade school!!
:'''Sailor Moon &amp; Tuxedo Mask:''' Huh?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Excuse me, Your Majesty. What's that substance surrounding the queen?
:'''Luna:''' Could it be...Silver Crystal?
:'''King Endymion:''' No, it's quartz.
===Jealousy's Just Reward===
===Diamond in the Rough===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Serena:''' (''weakly'')''':''' ''Moon Crystal...Power. It's not working.''
:'''Prince Diamond:''' The Silver Crystal's power will not work here.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Final Battle===
*In the manga, Death Phantom was destroyed by Sailor Moon and Sailor Mini Moon combining the mighty powers of their own Cutie Moon Rods in a ''Double Moon Princess Halation'' attack
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' &quot;Sailor Moon. She's turned into Neo Queen Serenity.&quot;
:'''Black Lady:''' &quot;Mommy?&quot;
:'''Neo-Queen Serenity:''' &quot;Listen to me, Rini. Your memory. Remember the goods now.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Rini''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''The Crystal! Now I know where the Crystal went when I lost it- Right into my body!''
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Rini.
:'''Rini:''' Darien, I know I'm not strong enough, but I need this Silver Crystal.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' But, Rini, I can't let you! It's way too dangerous.
:'''Rini:''' I don't care! You guys risked your lives to protect me!
:'''Princess Rini''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Silver Crystal, please give the strength to protect my friends.''
:'''Doom Phantom:''' ''What!!?'' ''Two'' Silver Crystals!!?&quot;
:'''Neo Queen Serenity:''' Oh, Rini.
:'''Princess Rini:''' &quot;Silver Crystal, lend strength to Sailor Moon!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Doom Phantom:''' ''&quot;I shall not be overcome by the power of the Silver Crystals!!&quot;''
:'''Neo Queen Serenity:''' Doom Phantom!!
:'''Princess Rini:''' Go away forever!!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' &quot;Mommy!&quot;
:'''Neo-Queen Serenity:''' &quot;Oh, Rini. You've saved our world. Welcome home.&quot;

==Sailor Moon S (Episodes 83-120)==
===Starstruck===
*This is the premiere of the ''S' season.
*[[w:Sailor Uranus|Sailors Uranus]] and [[w:Sailor Neptune|Neptune]] make their debut, as showed cameos.
*Final appearance and use of the Cutie Moon Rod.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Crystal Clear Again===
*Serena is granted the third evolution of her standard Sailor form- the Cosmic Heart Compact, with which she calls out ''Moon Cosmic Power.'' The Cutie Moon Rod is replaced by the Spiral Heart Moon Specter; its attack being ''Moon Spiral Heart Attack''.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Princess Serena:''' Together, our powers have created this symbol.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' Could it be the legendary...
:'''Artemis:''' Spiral Heart Moon Scepter?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===No Turning Back===
:'''Amara:''' I knew we shouldn't have transformed in front of Serena. Now everything's going to be a lot more complicated.
:'''Michelle:''' I know we had no choice. Now we can't turn back.
:'''Amara:''' I know.
:'''Michelle:''' And don't forget: Serena transformed in front of us. We might have the same mission, after all.

===Destiny's Arrival===
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' For now you've managed to stop me.
:'''Eujil:''' Don't worry. I haven't taken out your cousin's pure heart crystal yet. There's another one I want to get my hands on first.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Eujiel:''' The one in your own heart!! I'm referring to the heart that stopped us from fulfilling our plans, the heart that tried to protect and save this world!!

===The Purity Chalice===
*[[w:Sailor Saturn|Hotaru Tomoe]] makes a cameo here at the end.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' The legendary Princess must have the Purity Chalice.
:'''Serena:''' Huh?
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Legendary Princess?
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Who is this princess?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' She is a friend of this world, and she will save it from the deadly silence and destruction that... is coming. Once the Princess' hands hold the Purity Chalice, this world will be saved.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' The pure crystal treasures!
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' So, I guess there's no victim after all, Uranus.
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Now that these mystical treasures are revealed, do they have much power?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' The power depends on who handles it. The Purity Chalice will either lead the world to peace or destruction. Its power knows no bounds.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Sees Serena as Super Sailor Moon'')
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Wow. It's so beautiful.
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Another transformation.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Are you all right?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Yes. Yes, I am. I'm just worn out.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Could it be? Maybe Sailor Moon isn't the one who can save the world.
:'''Sailor Soldiers:''' What?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' The one who can save the world is supposed to have unlimited power and strength and Sailor Moon clearly doesn't have that.
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' You mean, you think it could be someone else?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' It looks like we got a new mission, Neptune. Are you in?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Minet:''' Good news, Doctor. The Purity Chalice is revealed. And the bad news is the Sailor Scouts have it Oh, are all right, Doctor?
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' I'm fine, Mimet. I'm well aware the Purity Chalice has been revealed. It seems, however, that none of the Sailor Scouts could exactly make use of the Purity Chalice. But, you see, Mimet, if any of the Sailor Scouts learned exactly how to harness its incredible powers, this laboratory and all our Diamon pods would have been completely destroyed, along with my plans for world domination!! But look! There's not even a crack in sight, is there?
:'''Mimet:''' Call me cookie, but I got a hunch there's ''someone'' here who's strong enough- to attract the Chalice's powers with our influence.
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' Oh ''yes.''

===Show Stoppers===
*Hotaru Tomoe heals Rini's scrap with her natural healing power she receives from harboring [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]'s spirit within her.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' I'm Rini. Rymths with &quot;teeny.&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' I'm Hotaru Tomoe.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' That Rainbow Moon power really wipes me out.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' Amazing! You have special powers?
:'''Hotaru:''' Kids at school think I'm weird. And I don't have friends just because I'm a little bit different.
:'''Rini:''' I how that is. I think it's great.

===Rini's Risky Friendship===
:(''Notices the Cosmic Heart Compact in Serena's bag'')
:'''Hotaru:''' What's this?
:'''Rini &amp; Serena:''' Well, it's...
:'''Hotaru:''' Strange. I suddenly feel better.
:'''Mistress 9:''' ''Power is rising within me. Power is rising within!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' Hotaru?
:'''Hotaru:''' Sorry. Did I say anything just now? I know I'm a little odd.
:'''Rini:''' You're just not well.

===The Shadow of Silence===
:'''Young Hotaru:''' Daddy, they say I hurt another friend of mine. But I can't remember things like that!
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' It's all right, Hotaru. Don't cry. It's not your fault. Not at all.
:'''Young Hotaru:''' I'll never be able to make any friends! I know that now! There's [[w:Mistress 9|someone]] inside me, someone who does bad things, and I can't control what they do.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Diamon:''' Get out of my way!! I ''said''... Get out of my way!!
:(''Hotaru's eyes glow red and she immobilizes the Diamon with ease, emitting a strange and powerful reddish aura'')
:'''Diamon:''' Whoa! Can't move! What are you!?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Hotaru:''' I don't think you should see me anymore. Otherwise I'm afraid I might hurt you somehow.
:'''Rini:''' How come?
:'''Hotaru''' (''in tears'')''':''' I'm sorry, Rini. It's for your own good!

===Thorny Weather===
:'''Hotaru:''' People always have to meddle with things. Why can't we let nature take its course?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' I felt a strong power nearby. I'm stumped as to what it was.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' A tidal wave of pure darkness.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Please take great care, little lady.

===Heightened Hazard===
:'''Darien:''' This the story from long ago. Apart from the Sailor Scouts, who protected the world of the moon, there were also Sailor Scouts who fought against evil invaders who came from parts of the outer solar system''':''' 
:[[w: Sailor Uranus|Sailor Uranus]], the Sailor Scout of the upper world, is guarded by the planet Uranus. 
:[[w: Sailor Neptune|Sailor Neptune]], the Sailor Scout of the Sea, is guarded by the planet Neptune.
:[[w: Sailor Pluto|Sailor Pluto]], the Sailor Scout of the lower world, is guarded by the planet Pluto.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' The three of us are gifted with incredible powers that are much stronger than those of the other Sailor Scouts. Our powers are to be used for protecting Earth from enemies beyond the solar system.
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' That's why we're sent from the past to this period. When we arrived here, we found our toughest opponents here and set up base. We'll need all our strength to beat them.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' As a result of this deadly invasion of enemies so powerful, not only do we have to worry about the Earth, but the entire solar system is in jeopardy as well.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Lita:''' So I guess the powers of the other three Sailor Scouts are a whole lot stronger than ours.
:'''Raye:''' Those three. I don't know. They're sure a lot different from us.
:'''Amy:''' I'm sure that's why they act like we got a plague and they don't want to get it.
:'''Luna:''' I think that each is used to working on their own because that's the way they've always done so in the past.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Kaorinite:''' &quot;Mr. Shun Hayes&quot;. I wonder if it's a love letter.
:'''Hotaru:''' Leave me alone!! You're weird. Why don't you torment someone else?
:'''Kaorinite:''' Perhaps you're the one whose weird, Hotaru. You write letters but you never mail them. Now ''that's'' weird.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Amara:''' Did you see that power?
:'''Michelle:''' There's definitely something strange about that girl.
:'''Tristamail:''' We guessed right, that's for sure. She's dangerous.

===It's in the Cards===
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Hotaru? Hotaru, are you all right?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Mini Moon, wait!
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Huh?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' She doesn't know you're Mini Moon. You better change first.
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Right. I forgot.

===Goodness Eclipsed===
*[[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]], the Scout of Silence, makes her debut as a silhouette. Her spirit later emerges somewhat as she takes over Hotaru's body, with her pale purple symbol appearing Hotaru's forehead. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raye''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''I can't shake these visions from my head. They seem so real. And who is that girl? I feel like I know her.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Michelle:''' I been having a recurring nightmare lately, about [[w:Apocalypse |the end of the world]]. And it's being more realistic each time. Raye's been having it, too.
:'''Tristamail:''' We must find the Sovereign, the sooner the better. If the evil wakes from its dark slumber, the Sovereign of Silence will rise and then it's over.
:'''Amara:''' The dark silence. Could that be an eclipse? If so, your dream may become a reality. And what to make of Dr. Tomoe and his strange daughter? It's really odd. Could they behind all the heart-snatching?
:'''Michelle:''' Saturn rules the star of destruction, who governs the Sovereign of Silence. The figure stands with a scythe from the light of the Purity Chalice. And when awakened, will destroy the world as we know it.
:'''Tristamail:''' It's odd. The shadow looks like someone we know.
:'''Amara:''' Who?
:'''Tristamail:''' Hotaru Tomoe!
:'''Amara:''' Yes, of course! It all makes sense! She's the daughter of a heart-snatcher, Dr. Tomeo. She's the perfect choice! Hotaru Tomeo must be the [[w:Mistress 9|Sovereign of Silence]]! That weapon in her hand is the Silent Scythe! We have to intercept this eclipse and keep the Sovereign from awakening!
:'''Michelle:''' Trista this job is going to require your powers of time control.
:'''Tristamail:''' We're going to have to work together,girls.
:'''Amara:''' Yes. If we don't stop it, Hotaru may be replaced by the Sovereign, who will be death and destruction to our planet. I am ''not'' going to let that happen! We got to stop it!
:'''Michelle:''' Poor Hotaru. Her mystery's been revealed to us. We gotta reverse her destiny.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Female Voice''' (''from within Hotaru's body'')''':''' Soon, so very soon, eclipse darkness will crawl over this planet, and I shall be awakened. I'm the only one who can make your dreams come true.
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' And you will. I knew we were right in choosing you to be the Sovereign of Silence.
:'''Female Voice:''' There's an energy beginning to bubble inside me. I need more, bring me more pure hearts. They will fuel me for my awakening. And my power, once dormant inside me, will reach its zenith of strength.
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' Your wish is my command.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' What is this!?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Get away from her!!
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Why?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Hotaru is [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] herself! The Soldier of Destruction whose guardian star is Saturn!
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' When her ruler Saturn awakens...
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Her only goal is to destroy the world.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Get away!! She's wielding the Silent Scythe! Her powers are peaky!
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' It's absolutely crucial that we not let her wake up.
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' If Saturn wakes up, she'll bring about [[w:the end of the world (civilization)|the end of the world]].
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' That may be, but I won't let you harm her!
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Even if Hotaru is [[w: Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] or the [[w:Mistress 9|Sovereign of Silence]], she can't help it. And we really have to protect her!
:'''Rini:''' She's just an innocent girl! There's gotta be another way to save the world!
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' Maybe you're right, little lady. There may be another way, but...
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' We just don't know what it is yet.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' For now, all we know is that we have to prevent her from waking up until the eclipse is over. It's the only way to save the world.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Something's happening.
:(''Hotaru's limp body teleports away in a flash of purplish light'')
:'''Rini:''' She's disappearing!
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Her guardian took her back.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' We've lost her.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' We've done it. We achieved our objective. Now she's Sailor Saturn, guided by the star of destruction. She's positioned us perfectly. Nobody else could have been chosen to be the Sovereign of Silence.

===Next in Line===
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' You don't understand the supreme terror of the deadly silence!
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] will soon awaken unless we get to her first.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Once she's allowed to awaken, that'll be the end of the Earth as we know it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tristamail:''' We think he may be associated with the Heart-Snatchers somehow.
:'''Mina:''' And that may mean that Hotaru may also be...?
:'''Lita:''' A member of the evil Heart-Snatchers?
:'''Tristamail:''' We don't know. What we do know was that she was definitely [[w:Reincarnation|born with the spirit]] of [[w: Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] within her.
:'''Rini:''' There's no way! Hotaru's not evil like those heart-snatchers!
:'''Serena:''' Rini. 
:'''Rini:''' Hotaru is a decent, warm-hearted person. Don't ever harm her! Promise me you won't, Trista.
:'''Serena:''' Trista, so what if Saturn is the Sailor Scout of Destruction? She's still one of us, isn't she? Come on. There must be some other way to solve this.
:'''Tristamail:''' There's no time for alternatives, even if there were any. That's we wanted to keep you out of business.
:'''Serena:''' Oh.

===Fiendish Ferns===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mimet:''' What Are You Doing?
:'''Telulu:''' Pulling The Plug On Failure!
(Tellu Pulling The Plug)
:'''Mimet:''' NO!
(The TV Turns Off)
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Why not listen?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' We could try to work as a team.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' No!! Pluto and Neptune are on my team! We're going after the [[w:Mistress 9|Sovereign of Silence]] and [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]], no matter what!
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' That' won't happen. Maybe you believe she's bad, but she is my best friend and I won't betray her. I'll do everything I can to protect her from you and anyone else. Pluto, please don't try and make us enemies.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Science of Love===
:'''Female Voice''' (''from within Hotaru's body'')''':''' Let this be a warning to you, Sailor Soldiers! The battle has only just begun!
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' HOTARU!!

===Wake Up Call===
:'''Rini''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Hotaru, plase don't worry. I promise I'll save you.''  Moon Prism Power!!
:'''Kaorinite''' (''to herself'')''':''' So that little powderpuff's a Sailor Scout. This is icing on the cake.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' ''No!!'' If Sailor Saturn is revived, this world will be destroyed!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' That's not [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]! I wonder who she is then!
:'''Sailor Scouts:''' Tell us who you are!
:'''Mistress 9:''' I am known as [[w:Mistress 9|Mistress 9]], the Sovereign of Silence.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Hey, what's going on?
:'''Sailor Mars:''' So she's not Sailor Saturn?
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' She's one of the Heart-Snatchers. I guess she took control of Hotaru from within, and has been feeding on pure hearts 'till she was strong enough to emerge.

===Who's Really Who?===
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' Sailor Pluto!
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' What happened?
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' I've stopped time for you. Now go on while my power still holds.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' You stopped time?
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' You never told us you could do that.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Honestly, I couldn't. It was forbidden and I'll be punished. My mission as timekeeper is now over. You must go.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Your mission is over?
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' What's going to happen to you now?
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' Go! And if you find the real Sovereign...
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Mistress 9:''' Clever of them to stop time to save themselves and allowing them to gain access to our domain.
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' They may be clever, Sovereign, but their certainty no match for your skill and power. What's with the hand?
:'''Mistress 9:''' It will bring the Chalice to me.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Pluto's Voice:''' Time is of the essence, Scouts. You must go on.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' We won't let you down, [[w:Sailor Pluto|Pluto]].
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' We're going to complete this mission, thanks to you.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Take care.
:'''Sailor Pluto's Voice:''' You, too, Sailor Scouts. It's a dangerous bonding in there. You can't tell who's who anymore.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mistress 9:''' I'm afraid you're too late! The future is now!! The future is ''mine!!'' Pharaoh 90, can I ask you to wait a moment longer? I some loose ends to tie up.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Huh?
:'''Sailor Uranus &amp; Sailor Neptune:''' 90 Pharaoh?
:'''Mistress 9:''' Exactly. Soon you can welcome your new ruler and witness the beginning of the silence!!

===Darkness, My Old Friend===
*First appearance of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] herself until Episode 168
*First appearance of the Silent Scythe, the mighty and deadly scythe of the Goddess of Death
*Final appearance of the Purity Chalice
*Final appearances of Mistress Nine and Pharaoh Ninety 
*Final use of ''Moon Crisis Power'' enabling her to temporarily evolve into her Super form 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;HOTARU!!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' There's no point!! She's not Hotaru anymore!!
:'''Mistress:''' She's right!! Hotaru Tomoe is no longer with us!!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' NO!!
:'''Mistress 9:''' You'll all be doomed anyway, so what does it matter!!? The mighty power I am drawing from the Tau Nebula is that of Pharaoh 90: The power source of Heart-Snatchers and also of the deadly silence!! Once I am able to possess the Purity Chalice, Pharaoh 90 will emerge and the time for silence will begin!!
:(''Prepares for her one and only planetary attack'')
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Then we'll destroy you first!!
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' Prepare for your end!!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Oh!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' ''&quot;WORLD...SHAKING!!&quot;''
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' ''DEEP...SUBMERGE!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;NOOO!! UGH!!&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;Why thank you.&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;You fool!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Why did you do that!!?&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;You better hand over the Purity Chalice, Sailor Moon, or starting waving goodbye to your pals.&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Don't do it!!&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;I can't decide which one to get rid of first.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''&quot;Stop it!!&quot;''
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;You can't surrender the Purity Chalice!! It's our only hope the save the world from disaster!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Forget us!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Sailor Moon!!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;DON'T DO IT!!!&quot;
:'''Professor Tomeo:''' &quot;Hotaru.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Are you...Hotaru's father?&quot;
:'''Professor Tomeo''' (''weakly'')''':''' &quot;Hotaru, it's me. Hotaru. It's my fault...that...you&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;How sad, you're back to your old self. If Germitoid has more no use for you, neither do I!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;NO!! Stop it, please!! I beg you.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Try and hang on, Guys!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' &quot;It's increasing its power!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;I'll never give up!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' &quot;I'll stop this evil force from entering the city!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Professor Tomeo''' (''weakly'')''':''' &quot;Ho..ta...ru.&quot;
:'''Hotaru's Voice:''' &quot;Daddy!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Huh!!?&quot;
:'''Hotaru's Voice:''' ''&quot;Daddy!!&quot;''
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Is that you, Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;This body's rejecting me! I can't breathe!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Finish her off now, Sailor Moon!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;NO!! Listen!! Hotaru is till alive!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;No, she's not!! it's a trick!!&quot;
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' &quot;Hotaru? Hotaru, can I help you return?&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;Yes! The Purity Chalice!! Without it, I can't...&quot;
:'''Professor Tomeo:''' &quot;Tell me where I can find it, Hotaru.&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Sailor Moon...no.&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;It's a trick. Can't you see that, Sailor Moon? Hotaru's gone!! Save the rest of the world instead!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Hotaru must be saved. This'll save her. I still believe that it's possible to save the world without letting anyone get hurt. Sorry, I refuse to give up!!&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;There it is.&quot;
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' &quot;The Purity Chalice? Please, I beg you. Hotaru needs it. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Here, it is, Hotaru! Is this what you wanted?&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;Yes. Hurry!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;Sailor Moon, after I revive Pharaoh Ninety, who will reward you for allowing me to survive, only you'll be a shell for us instead.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' 'Hotaru, you can hear me, can't you!!? HOTARU!!&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;Don't waste your time. It's too late.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;I'll never allow you to take Hotaru, and I won't let this world fall into your evil hands, either!!&quot;
:'''Mistress Nine:''' &quot;You better give up. You're dreaming if you believe what you say, Sailor Moon. You can't possibly defeat us now we have this missing link. As you know, this Purity Chalice is the purest of hearts in existence now. The only way to defeat Pharaoh Ninety, once he takes possession of the Purity Chalice, is to produce a heart of greater purity. The odds are definitely against you.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' &quot;AGGHH!!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' &quot;I wonder what's going on inside!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;OHHH!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' ''&quot;Sailor Moon!!&quot;''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mistress 9:''' &quot;Leave me alone!! I don't need you!! No! Leave me alone, Hotaru!! You are...completely worthless to us!! I won't share this body! You're no longer needed!! ''Remove yourself!! REMOVE YOURSELF!!&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;NO!! I WILL NOT!! I've got...I've got...''I have people I care about a lot!!''&quot;
:(''The light purple symbol of Saturn appears on her forehead, driving out the black star of the Death Busters, and vanishes'')
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' &quot;H- Hotaru.&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;The [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Scout of Destruction]], Saturn!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Darien:''' &quot;Huh? Who are you?&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Don't worry. You'll be fine now, Rini.&quot;
:(''The ghostly form of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] herself returns Rini's pure heart-crystal'')
:'''Artemis:''' &quot;Sailor Saturn...?&quot;
:'''Luna:''' &quot;Is Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Thank you, my friend Rini. Thank you.&quot;
:(''Gradually vanishes from Darien's apartment'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Pharaoh 90 seems to be increasing its power.&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;You're right. There's no way to stop this deafening silence now. After all we did to try and save this world and now it's all over!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' It's the end.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Sailor Moon, are you happy now!!? ''Answer me!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Sailor Moon.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
:(''[[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]'s ghostly form solidifies into a more corporeal one'')
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;I know it was you who prevented me from getting hurt, and I want to thank you.&quot;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;[[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]].&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;And Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' &quot;Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;I am sorry. I am no longer Hotaru. But I'm the one person alive who can save the world from destruction. Believe in me.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Wait! Let me help you!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;No. To destroy [[w:Pharaoh 90|Pharaoh 90]], I must get to the very heart of its core and destroy it while I'm still inside. You, as Super Sailor Moon, could have helped. You did the right thing, giving up your powers to save me. It's impossible for you to even get near Pharaoh 90. This is the only way, but I am glad to do it.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' But what will happen to you once you annihilate Pharaoh 90, Sailor Saturn?
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' They call me the Sailor Scout of Destruction, only because I possess powers that can destroy a whole planet. They fear me. But once I use my powers I, myself, shall be also destroyed.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;NO!!&quot;
:(''Sailor Saturn points her Silent Scythe at Sailor Moon to stop her'')
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Goodbye!! Thank you!!&quot;
:(''Plunges right into Pharaoh 90 and unleashes rays of white-and-purple light that cuase the alien to groan in agony and dissipate, little by little'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;HOTARU!! AHHH!! ''Moon Crisis Power''!! Transform!! ''Moon Crisis Power!!''&quot;
:'''Sailor Venus''' (''weakly'')''':''' &quot;Sailor Moon&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Crisis...POWER!!''&quot;
:(''Her pure heart crystal bursts out of chest and she becomes Super Sailor Moon for a final time, without the need for the Purity Chalice'')
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Goodbye!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Pluto''' (''voice over'')''':''' &quot;If you can find the real Sovereign...&quot;
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Is she is the real Sovereign?&quot;

===Second Chance===
*None of this ever occurred in the manga 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Nurse:''' &quot;She's a beautiful little girl. You took such good care of her. It's a miracle she survived the explosion. You have a visitor. Dr. Tome?&quot;
:'''Michelle:''' &quot;Here you are.&quot;
:'''Professor Tomoe:''' &quot;Hotaru.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Amara:''' &quot;You OK?&quot;
:'''Michelle:''' &quot;Yes, but I'm gonna miss her little face so much.&quot;
:'''Amara:''' &quot;Alright, then let's blow this pop stand.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Rini suddenly sees a vision of an incorporeal [[w:Sailor Pluto|Sailor Pluto]]'')
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;I have message for you, Rini, but I'm not really back. I'm only hear in your memory's eye.&quot;
:'''Rini:''' &quot;Pluto, I miss you so much! My best friend Hotaru disappeared as well! I don't have anybody left!&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;That's not true, little one. You have many friends. You'll see. You're surrounded by them.&quot;
:'''Rini:''' &quot;And Hotaru? Is she safe? What happened?!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;Have little time to explain. But Hotaru had two really bad creatures living in her: 
:One was the Heart-Snatchers', [[w:Mistress 9|Mistress 9]], who tried to take over our future. The other was [[w: Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]], the dark Sailor Scout. Thanks to Sailor Moon, Hotaru has been freed and she's returned from the past to [[w:Rebirth|start over as a little baby]].&quot;
:'''Rini:''' &quot;No, Pluto, don't go!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;We'll meet again, Little One. In the meantime, take care.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Serena:''' Still I know I did the right thing. Even if Saturn was the Sailor Scout of Destruction, I had to save her. We're all linked by the gift of planet power. And I felt the warmth of her heart when I held her. She's pure sweetness. Uranus, Neptune! Please don't pick this fight.
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' Give up your claim to the throne and we'll leave in peace.
:'''Luna:''' That's outrageous.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' I'm glad we lost, aren't you?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Yes. I'm guessing that Sailor Saturn wasn't the only one Sailor Moon saved. We were as well. I guess I should say thank you.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Wait, you guys. Just one more thing before you leave town: Where's Hotaru? Is she gonna be all right now?
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' I'm sure you'll meet again.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' You did take care of her! Thank you, Sailors. I can't wait to tell Rini. She'll be so proud.

===Tough Kindness===
*This concludes the [[w:Sailor Moon S|third season]], even though none of this ever happened in the manga
*None of the four Sailor Scouts of the Outer Solar System are referenced even once
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' &quot;Mommy. Daddy.&quot;
:(''Rini thinking of her parents'')
:'''Neo Queen Serenity:''' Oh, Rini.&quot;
:'''King Endymion:''' &quot;You're my girl.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''thinking during attack sequence'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''He's right. I don't need the Purity Chalice. With a caring and loving heart I can protect my friends.'' ''Moon Spiral Heart Attack!''

==Sailor Moon SuperS (125-166)==
*This fourth season, loosely based on the 11-episode ''Dream'' arc, is less popular, due to the four outer Super Sailor Guardians-[[w:Sailor Uranus|Uranus]], [[w:Sailor Neptune|Neptune]], [[w:Sailor Pluto|Pluto]] and [[w:Sailor Saturn|Saturn]]- not making any appearances later on
*The season finale &quot;The Sweetest Dream&quot; is followed by the third and final movie ''[[w:Sailor Moon SuperS the Movie|Black Dream Hole]]''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
===Dreams Take Flight===
:'''Pegasus:''' Please. Don't tell anyone we met.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Zirconia:''' He cannot exist in this world. If he tried, he would quickly lose his energy and die.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tiger's Eye:''' That's him! The Good One- Pegasus!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Pegasus uses the golden light from his horn to give Sailor Moon and Sailor Mini Moon a power boost'')
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Both of them have turned into Super Sailors.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''The Spiral Heart Moon Scepter transforms into the greater, mystical Moon Kaleidoscope'')
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' A scepter! (''thinking'') ''I feel its power.''
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Sailor Moon.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''thinking'') ''I feel it comin' to me!'' Moon Gorgeous...Meditation!
:(''Wipes out the Lemure with this new and stronger dream/moonlight-based attack'')

===Sweet Dreams===
:(''In a dream'')
:'''Rini:''' Pegasus. Is that you really you, Pegasus?
:'''Pegasus:''' Time is of the essence, Rini. You must hurry before the darkness takes over the crystal world.
:'''Rini:''' Pegasus, don't go. I have a million things to ask you.
:'''Pegasus:''' Call on me whenever you're in trouble.
:'''Rini''' (''wakes up from her dream'')''':''' Pegasus! He's gone.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Hawk's Eye:''' I should've worn my shades.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' &quot;Sailor Mini Moon, you called and I answer. Your will to protect beautiful dreams is noble, the love for your mother greater still. You have my power.&quot;
:(''Upgrades Rini's Moon Prism Compact and Serena's Cosmic Heart Compact into Moon Crisis Compact'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' What is it?
:'''Pegasus:''' &quot;Your broaches have received my special powers. You can use them to win this battle. Simply say &quot;Moon Cosmic Dream Action&quot; and they will be activated.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Serena, say &quot;Moon Cosmic Dream Action&quot;.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Why?
:'''Sailor Mini Moon:''' Beasts me. Just say it!
:(''Both use the even greater powers of their new Crisis Compacts'')''':''' ''Moon Cosmic Dream...Action!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' &quot;Take these. Your new Rainbow Moon Wand, and Crystal Chime. My name will activate their powers.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' &quot;Please, Pegasus, protect people's dreams. ''Crystal Twinkle Bell!''&quot;
:(''Pegasus appears and then bestows more power onto Super Sailor Moon's Moon Kaleidoscope'')
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;''Moon Gorgeous...Meditation!!''&quot;

===A Pegasus Page Turner===
:'''Mina:''' You know what they say: &quot;A friend in need is a friend in leed.&quot;
:'''Artemis:''' That's &quot;indeed&quot;, Mina.

===A Teacher's Lesson===
:'''Rini:''' I haven't told anyone about you and this forest. I kept my promise. So why don't you come and talk to me? Why can't you visit me in my dreams? Why don't you more often? You've come when I call you, but I don't even know the first thing about you. Where do you come from? I want to know.
:'''Pegasus:''' Why?
:'''Rini:''' Because I want to be your friend. Why don't you trust me?
:'''Pegasus:''' I'm sorry. I can't be your friend.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tiger's Eye:''' Master, what if the person with beautiful dreams realizes how powerful Pegasus truly is? I mean, what if she realizes she wants to rule the world?
:'''Hawk's Eye:''' You gotta be kidding. Like Pegasus would allow that to happen. Besides, if they start thinking like that, it would destroy their beautiful dreams and Pegasus will bolt.
:'''Zirconia:''' He's right. Pegasus would never let the one whose dreams he lives in know about his secret powers. That would be too dangerous. If they did, he would leave them and find another.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' ''No!'' I want to make friends with those I love! I don't want to own Pegasus! I want to be his friend!! He'll never be my friend if I am controlling by force!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' Pegasus, why...?
:'''Pegasus:''' I want to be your friend, too. I want to be around you.
:'''Rini:''' Are you sure!? Can we see each other anytime from now on?
:'''Pegasus:''' Yes, but just the two of us alone.
:'''Rini:''' I guess we can talk a lot tonight, then.

===Double Trouble===
:'''Mina''': When it rains, it snores!

===Kicking into High Gear===
:(''Appears before the four Sailor Scouts of the Inner Solar System'')
:'''Pegasus:''' Sailor Scouts, I will give you power. Harmonize your bodies to the power wave that I send you.
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' What power wave?
:'''Pegasus:''' Trust me, please. Open your hearts and let my power flow into you.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Wait a minute. But how do we know you're not one of our enemies?
:'''Sailor Venus:''' She's right.
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' This could be some trap.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Girls, please. Please protect my Pegasus! Please ''believe in him.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Yes.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' All right!
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Give us the strength we need, Pegasus.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Seeing the four Guardians of the Inner Solar System get a major power up'')
:'''Fish Eye:''' What's going!?
:(''Stronger than ever before, the Inner Super Sailors' charge'')
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' ''Super Venus Love Chain!''
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' ''Superior Sparkling Thunder''
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' ''Mega Mars Fire Rings...Flash!''
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' ''Super Aqua Illusion!''

===Beach Blanket Bungle===
:'''Raye:''' They're hitting on us.
:'''Mina:''' You know it.
:(''Serena and Lita nod in agreement'')
:'''Serena:''' It's true. Sammy, give us a hand here.

===No Prince Charming===
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' ''Superior Sparkling Thunder!''

===A True Reflection===
:'''Zirconia:''' Listen up, Amazon Trio! Now that you're here, Queen Nehelenia wants to have a word with us.
:'''Hawk's Eye:''' A queen?
:'''Tiger Eye:''' Did you say Nehelenia?
:'''Fish Eye:''' I didn't know we had a queen. Who is she, Master?
:'''Zirconia:''' Queen Nehelenia is the great ruler of our family. She is the most beautiful in this entire universe.
:'''Amazon Trio:''' Huh?
:'''Zirconia:''' O, Queen Nehelenia, please share with us your words of wisdom!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Appears a shadowy silhouette'')
:'''Queen Nehelhenia:''' Well, it's about time, Zirc! I don't like to be kept waiting, which I seem to be doing a lot of lately. Now listen up, Amazon Trio: Find the Pegasus, or if you fail again, the magic that was cast on you will be recanted on the next full moon. I'll be back, so hurry.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Hawk Eye:''' May I approach, Master? Why exactly did the queen mean by &quot;the magic that was cast on us&quot;?
:'''Fish Eye:''' What's so funny about all this?
:'''Zirconia:''' You still don't have a clue- as to what you really are- do you, Amazon Trio? ''Here!'' Take a look at what you really are!
:'''Fish Eye:''' ''I'm a fish!?''
:'''Hawk Eye:''' Is that...is that our real selves?
:'''Zirconia:''' Yes it is. You see, it was magic that transformed you into human-like creatures.
:'''Fish Eye:''' And that's why we don't hold within us a place for beautiful dreams.
:'''Hawk Eye:''' Huh?
:'''Zirconia:''' The spell cast on you will be removed at the start of the next full moon. But you still have a chance to survive- Pegasus! The horn on his head is actually a Golden Crystal. Once you possess this Golden Crystal, you can use its powers to keep you in its present forms. Without it, you will have no chance and you revert back to your final selves forever!

===Eternal Dreams===
:'''Zirconia:''' What!? You actually found the holder of Pegasus!? Who is it? what's wrong!? Answer me!!
:'''Fish Eye:''' Before I answer, I'd like to know something first, Grand Zirconia.
:'''Tiger Eye &amp; Hawk Eye:''' Huh?
:'''Fish Eye:''' Are sure about what you said, that we'll become real human beings?
:'''Zirconia:''' Explain what you mean.
:'''Fish Eye:''' We may be humans right now, but we can't really call ourselves human. We don't have ''dreams'' and ''feelings'' like they do! I just want to know now please! Will Pegasus' power make us complete?
:(''Tiger Eye and Hawk Eye stare at her in bewilderment'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mister Magic Pierrot:''' You're helping the enemy?! No wonder why Grand Zirconia wanted you put out with the trash!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' I don't understand. You saved our lives. How come?
:'''Fish Eye:''' Because you're full of dreams and I envy you, Serena.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Huh? Are you...that girl?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' Dreams and aspirations are an important part of life and you're not complete without them. Now you won't have to worry about these three dreamy ones.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''' (''to the Amazon Trio's lights'')''':''' You can stay in these woods. It's dark now, But I am sure it will regain the light someday.

===A New Nightmare===
:'''Zirconia:''' Zirconia at your service, Your Majesty.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' That goes without saying. Now listen carefully to instructions. I hate to repeat myself. I want you to find the Golden Mirror of Elysion for me. With it, I can rule the universe and return the kingdom of the dark moon to its rightful glory.
:'''Zirconia:''' I'll get right on it. You know I've trained a bunch of new Amazons in the recent weeks. I know a few of them might make good dream-hunting material. 
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Spare the details, Zirconia. Just go and bring the key to my triumphant return back to me.
:'''Zirconia:''' Yes, Your Highness. And please, if you want anything done about those Scouts, let me know. 

===Heartfelt Melody===
:'''Amy''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''I just need more courage and power to save my friends.'' ''Mercury Crystal...POWER!''
:(''Transforms into her much stronger Super Sailor form'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mercury''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''I can feel it growing stronger within me now. Pure water give me strength. I now feel my new power: Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!

===Dream Believer===
:'''Pegasus:''' I wish I could see it.
:'''Rini:''' Huh?
:'''Pegasus:''' See his plane fly. but I can't. You see, I live in a dream world.
:'''Rini:''' Hmm.
:'''Pegasus:''' And in this...world one cannot fly freely in the sky.
:'''Rini:''' Your dream world? Where is your dream world? Who ''are'' you? ''Where'' are you?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' Pegasus, we're friends, aren't we?
:'''Pegasus:''' Can't you tell, Rini?
:'''Rini:''' Well, I sure like you, Pegasus. I confided in you and told you all my secrets. But I don't know anything about you. You told me nothing. Can you, at least, tell me that you like me?
:'''Pegasus:''' Rini...please don't ask me that.
:'''Rini:''' Well, how come? 
:'''Pegasus:''' I'm here with you now. Doesn't that tell you enough?
:'''Rini:''' You could tell me that you believe in me as a friend. Maybe that's why you don't tell me anything, 'cause you don't believe in me!
:'''Pegasus:''' I asked you to trust me, but you seem unable to. Maybe I should just go.
:'''Rini:''' Huh?
:'''Pegasus:''' Please. Believe in me.

===Pegasus Revealed===
*Rini learns the true form and name of Pegasus to be Helios, high priest of Elysion and guardian of the Golden Crystal.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Adult Rini:''' What is it called?
:'''Pegasus:''' That is Elysion. That's where we live.
:'''Adult Rini:''' That's the world of Pegasus? I'd like to see it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Adult Rini:''' What is that down there?
:'''Pegasus:''' That is Elysion. It's all barren now, all frozen.
:'''Adult Rini:''' No.
:'''Pegasus:''' It was a wonderful place, built on the beautiful dreams of all the people in the world.
:'''Rini:''' What happened?
:'''Pegasus:''' One day, the circus from the shadow of the Dark Moon suddenly invaded our world. They were searching for the Golden Crystal of all dreams. I was caught and trapped by them. If the Gold Crystal falls into their hands, not only Elysion- but the whole world- will be caught in darkness.
:'''Rini:''' No.
:'''Pegasus:''' We must not let them have it. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]:''' I am going to get the Crystal soon. Then Elysion and all the other worlds, shall belong to me.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' Then, one day, I saw a light. A beautiful dream light, the only light left to me. The light helped me change to Pegasus. Suddenly, I was freed and able to greet the light, and I met you. Sweet, beautiful and innocent as a thousand dreams. But then I lost the light. I couldn't feel your dreams because you wanted to be grown up. But that is dark moon magic. The Dark Moon overshadowed your true dreams. You must get them back, those true and brilliant dreams of yours. They will allow to survive. If you don't, I will never able to find you again.
:'''Adult Rini:''' Why? Why couldn't you?
:'''Pegasus:''' Only your  pure dreams ad pure heart allow me to exist in the real word. Without them...I ''can't.''
:'''Adult Rini:''' Oh. So you mean...You mean that if I stay grown up, I can never see you again? Oh no. I couldn't bear it. ''No.'' I don't want that, Pegasus. It can't be. I was being selfish. I didn't ''know.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' I'm little again!
:'''Pegasus:''' My little girl, only your innocent dreams can save the world.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''' (''in his true form'')''':''' I am the Guardian of the Golden Crystal of Dreams and the world of Elysion. I watch over all the beautiful dreams of everyone on Earth. My name is Helios.
:'''Adult Rini:''' Helios.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Young Rini:''' It was dream. I really am small again.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Pegasus, I finally know a lot more about you. But was it all really a dream? Even the kiss? Please, tell me, Pegasus.''
===Rini's Lovely Rhapsody===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' So, Pegasus, the Golden Crystal can actually save Elysion, right? But what is the Golden Crystal? Why is it so powerful?
:'''Pegasus:''' I'm sorry, Rini. I can't tell you yet. There are still some things I can't tell even you, little one.
:'''Rini:''' I see. You don't trust me enough, Pegasus?
:'''Pegasus:''' That's not at all, Rini. Someday I'll tell you. When the time has come.
:'''Rini:''' I can wait except when it comes to deserts, of course.
:'''Pegasus:''' Just like [[w:Sailor Moon (character)|your mother]].
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rini:''' If you guys think he's my boyfriend, you're wrong! I have met someone special, okay?
:'''Girls:''' What's his name?
:'''Rini:''' Can't tell you. (thinking)''Pegasus, I will be able to introduce them to you someday, won't I?

===Tomorrow's Big Dreams===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mina:''' Where did the circus girls go?
:'''Amy:''' I don't know.
:'''Lita:''' Maybe they decided to leave early, after all.
:'''Serena:''' They were interesting. I'm sure we have been friends.
:'''Rini:''' Maybe we'll see them again.
:'''Raye:''' I'm sure we will. I can sense it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]:''' This is the only chance in hundreds of years. There's no time to lose. We cannot fail! We must reach this opportunity and reach our goal.

===Day of Night===
*The Amazon Quartet learn Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina and Rini's identities as the Super Sailor Guardians.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]:''' Oh, Helios, in whose dream can you be hiding? Since we have managed to imprison your flesh, there isn't any way to counterattack. Or can you? This is my only chance in hundreds of years! We cannot fail!! Zirconia!!
:'''Zirconia:''' My queen.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Just when do you think you'll find the holder of the Golden Mirror!? I'm running out of time! I can't deal with this ''anymore!!''
:'''Zirconia:''' I'm just regrouping a bit.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' If you believe that, Zirconia, what's taking so long for you to find the Golden Mirror for me!!?
:'''Zirconia:''' It's not so simple as it sounds, Your Highness.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' At last, the darkness has come to this world, as I knew it would.
:'''Rini:''' Darkness?
:'''Pegasus:''' Yes. To capture me. They're trying to cover your world with darkness.
:'''Rini:''' Does that mean the darkness will make it easier for them to find you, Pegasus?
:'''Pegasus:''' Yes. We're in danger. And I'm afraid I must say goodbye.
:'''Rini:''' What!? But why!?
:'''Pegasus:''' I have a mission to carry out.
:'''Rini:''' A mission?
:'''Pegasus:''' Yes. I've got to find the one who can release the power of the Golden Crystal. And we must do it quickly, otherwise this world- and my world, Elysion- will fall under the evil crescent of Dark Moon.
:'''Rini:''' If you find the one who could release the power of the Golden Crystal, does that mean it's possible the world could be saved from darkness!? I'll look for him with you! I know I could find him for you! So, so...don't say goodbye to me please!
:'''Pegasus:''' Huh?
:(''Tears fall down Rini's face'')
:'''Pegasus:''' Thank you, but...
:'''Rini:''' But what?
:'''Pegasus:''' It's brave of you to offer to help, but...I can't put you in any danger. I...I must go. I can't bear to see you cry.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' Oh, the sun!
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' It's disappearing.
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' A solar eclipse?
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' Can't be. At least no one said their would be one.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Maybe this is what they by &quot;the biggest event.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' Dark Moon. The evil of the crescent. Is the world being covered in darkness now?''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus:''' Protectors of the White Moon. You musn't go to the Dark Moon now.

===Showtime Showdown===
*In the ''Dream'' saga of the manga, the Golden Crystal is Darien Shields/[[w:Tuxedo Mask|Prince Endymion]]'s very own mystical artifact of great mystical power, just as the Silver Imperium Crystal is Sailor Moon/Princess Serenity's own Sailor Crystal.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' Why are you saying we can't go the Dark Moon?
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' Yeah! Why would say that!? Do you think we're not strong enough to beat them!?
:'''Pegasus:''' No, I don't. It's not a matter of strength. You are strong, but the Dark Moon is a monster that feeds on the ruined dreams abandoned by people. As long as there are abandoned dreams, the Dark Moon will survive. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''commanding'')''':''' Tell me, please. Who ''are'' you?
:'''Pegasus:''' I am Helios, the guardian of Elysion and the one who guards the dreams of people on Earth.
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' Elysion?
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Pegasus?
:'''Pegasus:''' Once, Elysion had banished the Dark Moon, aided by the strength of people's beautiful dreams. But as people failed to achieve their dreams, they abandoned them and weakened the power that held Nehelenia, Queen of the Dark Moon, and then she awoke. Nehelenia wants to rule the whole world. We must act quickly. She's spinning her evil web to trap this world. We cannot let her succeed. We have to release the power of the Golden Crystal.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' The Golden Crystal?
:'''Pegasus:''' The Golden Crystal is the horn on my head. It gives off powerful energy. It is the only way we can bind the Dark Moon into the world of darkness again. But be warned: In the wrong hands, the great power of the Golden Crystal could destroy the world you and I know.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' So that's it. It is why those people from the Dark Moon have been trying to capture you.
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' Because, in fact, it's the Golden Crystal they're after.
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' Ah, well. This isn't surgery. All we have to do is beat the Dark Moon with the Golden Crystal.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' No, it's not that easy. Pegasus can't release the power of the Golden Crystal, but there is someone who can. We have to help him find the person who can help him release its full power.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Mini Moon, you...?
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' You knew all of this?
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Pegasus has been looking for that person, but he hasn't been able to find him anywhere.
:'''Super sailor Moon:''' But it's so important! Why didn't you tell us all this before now!?
:'''Pegasus:''' She couldn't tell you. I made her promise. It is a secret known only the Guardians of Elysion. But I broke the silence and... I revealed the secret to Rini.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Huh?
:'''Pegasus:''' Because you freed me and helped me find the light I needed when I was bound in the darkness. Because of this, I thought you were the one who could release the full power of the Golden Crystal. But, sadly, you can't.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Helios is stirring! His spirit is in contact with someone! Ugh!! I have him trapped in darkness!!He knows he cannot escape!! What trick is he trying!? How dare he try to challenge my awesome powers!! What a fool.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''' (''voice over'')''':''' Prince Endymion, as the Earth is your guardian star, your life's ryumes are synchronized to it.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Darien:''' Synchronized? This means that I am sick because the threads of the Dark Moon are suffocating the Earth. Could this be true?
:'''Rini:''' I feel so helpless. If only I could release the power of the Golden Crystal.
:'''Diana:''' Oh, Rini. It's not your fault.
:'''Raye:''' Yeah. We may not have the power of the Golden Crystal, but...
:'''Lita:''' When we put ours powers together, there's nothing we can't do.
:'''Amy:''' We won't allow the poison of the Dark moon to do as their please, anymore.
:'''Rini:''' Oh, Girls.
:'''Mina:''' Okay, let's go! We shall defeat [[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Helios shows sighs of life. Can someone be calling him? That means the guardian of Pegasus is nearby. Who is is? Who has the Golden Mirror?
:(''Sees an image of [[w:Sailor Mini Moon|Super Sailor Mini Moon]], holding her Crystal Chime'')
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Ah, can it be that puny kid?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Zirconia:''' I have the greatest news for you, Queen Nehelenia!! As promised, I have found the one who holds the Golden Mirror. Pegasus and the Golden Crystal are ours to do  with as we wish!!

===The Dark Legend===
*The backstories of Helios and Queen Nehelenia are revealed somewhat. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' He-Helios? Is it you? We finally met. You must have been awfully sad in this dark place, Helios. Helios, I'll get you out of here.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Oh, I don't think so, Dearie. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' So you're the little dreamer girl who's been holding Pegasus, are you?
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' And you are!?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' I'm Queen Nehelenia. I'm the ruler of the people of the Dark Moon.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' But why? Why have you been holding Helios prisoner like this?
:'''Queen Nehlenia:''' You don't know the depths of real darkness. A happy little girl, like you always been on the bright side, always cared for and protected by your parents? You would never understand the envy I feel.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Huh?
:'''Queen Nehelenia''' (''narrating'')''':'''
: A long ago, there was a kingdom on the Moon. It was happy and prosperous place, where everyone had a good life and it was called Silver Millennium. For many years this rich kingdom was ruled by a queen called [[w:Queen Serenity|Serenity]]. And not too far away there lived another queen, who seldom watched this thriving moon kingdom from quite a different place. From her cold, dark planet, she envied everything about the glittering Moon Kingdom. And dreamed of claiming it and ruling over this bright, happy kingdom as her very own one day. Then this Queen of Darkness luckily happened to discover about a mysterious stone that held overwhelming power. And she knew that with that power the Stone possessed, she could take over Serenity's throne of the Moon Kingdom, and she could even rule the entire universe. The stone known as the Golden Crystal. Was kept by a young boy, in a hidden and sacred place on Earth. Because it held amazing power, it was hidden very carefully, so no one could ever find it and use it. 
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Ah!
:(''Realizes that the dark queen is referring to Helios'')
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Once the Queen of Darkness learned that a young boy was protecting the Golden Crystal, not only did she crave the Crystal but she believed that boy was the key to the Crystal's power. So she wanted the boy, too. She offered him the chance of a lifetime. She suggested to him that they share the power of the Golden Crystal and use it to conquer the universe together.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Flashes back to Helios and Nehelenia in the sacred temples of Elysion'')
:'''Helios:''' &quot;This stone, the Golden Crystal, has emotions as part of its powers. If you are an owner of beautiful dreams and good intentions, you may have the Stone and its powers. But...if you're not...you cannot have it. If your intentions are anything other than good, you'll be severely punished.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' The Queen tried to take the Crystal, but when a sacred flame stopped her, she imprisoned Helios' body. As punishment for the Queen of Darkness' evil intentions, [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]] ordered the jealous queen sealed in the darkness of a new moon. But the Queen of the Dark Moon not discouraged and she knew there would be another chance. And that the Crystal's power could break the seal, she waited for her golden opportunity. Then, when there was a solar eclipse, the Queen sent her loyal subjects to Earth, where they were to locate Helios' spirit and bring him here. Which they have finally succeeded in doing, and that is where you come in!!
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' But you know Helios didn't hurt you at all! Why don't you let him go!!?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Not a chance. I blame everyone on the White Moon for my punishment. And now I want revenge.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===One in the Hand===
*Queen Nehelenia finally attains the immense mystical power of the Golden Crystal from Helios, and breaks free of her mirror prison.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Zircona:''' You summoned me, Majesty?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Those four lazy brats tried to take Pegasus for themselves, Zirconia. Once I have removed him from his dream hideout, you'll get rid of the Amazon Quartet. The same goes for the Sailor Scouts, for making there way here. Do not fail me this time. You shall suffer the same fateful end.
:'''Zirconia:''' Understood.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Good. Now, time for us to get better acquainted, Moon Midget. After all, there's little time left before the world as you know it disappears, and darkness reigns upon my new kingdom forever.'' Finally. Pegasus is mine! Dream-protector, you're mine.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Hmm. Finally, the Golden Mirror. Helios, return to your former self. Otherwise I will shatter the pipsqueak's golden mirror into a thousand pieces for you to pick up.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon''' (''weakly'')''':''' Don't do it, Helios. You can't let her win. Helios.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Pegasus emerges from Rini's golden mirror of dreams'')
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' If you don't do as I say, I'll make your little friend part of history. Helios, return to me! Remember what walking on two feet is like. Come on, back in your body, and they'll be a happy ending. Helios, come now! Come back into your body and resume your life as Helios, unless- of course- you want her dream world shattered for eternity. I knew you'd see it my way. You kind-hearted types always lose. (''thinking'') ''At last, the heart and body of Helios have been reunited.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Wake-y, wake-y, Helios. Your queen is waiting. Well, well. Here we are, together at last. Congratulations, my drear. Finally, you belong to me. To me and me only.
:'''Helios:''' I told you befroe, you demented diva: &quot;Never can you or anyone claim me as a possession.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Noble words from a noble fool. But I'm about to take over as queen, so you don't have much say in this. You are mine, Helios. You always have been.
:(''Glares at the Queen of Darkness, with eyes of ice'')
:'''Helios:''' Never will you get inside my heart, Nehelenia.''Never''.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Don't look at me like that! Your eyes- I can't stand it! They show such coldness! Stop that! You will let me into your heart!! It belongs to me now!!
:'''Helios:''' No, Nehelenia. My heart can only side with the good. My eyes see perfectly that there is nothing good about you.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' You insult me, disobey me!! UGH!!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Helios:''' You're squeezing too hard.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Oops, sorry.
:'''Helios:''' That's okay.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' I'm Nehelenia, Queen of the Dark Moon! And you're about to find out rejection is not something I accept or take kindly!! If I can't have Helios, then nobody can!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Zirconia:''' I'm almost done with those girls, Your Highness. I'm just regrouping a bit. Don't tell me you got the Golden Crystal? Majesty, is that really it?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' You think I'd settle for anything less? Now tell me, Zirconia, what is your greatest pleasure, hmm?
:'''Zirconia:''' Why, that's easy, my queen. My greatest pleasure is seeing Your Majesty's presence framed before me, in this mirror, every day.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' And seeing me every day, you may have noticed that, until now, I was not a happy queen.
:'''Zirconia:''' Well, I--huh?!
:'''Queen Nelelenia:''' And the main reason was that you were not once successful in doing your job!
:'''Zirconia:''' It was just a slump?!
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' A permanent slump... Zircona! I'd say it's been a pleasure, but a queen's got an image. You're fired, forever!! Happy trails, Zirconia!!
:(''Zirconia vanishes in a flash of red light, as the Dark Queen finally breaks free of her mirror-prison, placed upon her by Queen Serenity'') 
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' The seal is broken!! Let darkness begin!
:(''Holds the Golden Crystal aloft'')

===Golden Revival===
*The theme of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] is heard, yet she has never appeared in this season.
*Super Sailor Moon, and the four Super Sailors' of the Inner Solar System, meet and battle Queen Nehelenia for the first time. However they may have encountered herin their past lives during the time of the Moon Kingdom, ruled by [[w:Queen Serenity|Queen Serenity]].
*In the manga (the fourth saga titled '''''Dream''''' with only 11 episodes), the Golden Crystal was, in truth, Prince Endymion's very own artifact of mystical power, as the Silver Crystal is Princess Serenity's. There, Helios was merely the high-priest of Elysion, who stood watch over Prince Endymion and his people of the Golden Kingdom of Earth.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]:''' At last we meet, Sailor Snoots.
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' Who are you?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' I am Nehelenia, ruler of this world and the most powerful and true queen of the Moon.
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:'''Nehelenia, &quot;Queen of the Moon&quot;?
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Yes, and now it is my turn to take over this entire universe and there's nothing any of you can do to stop me.
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' What are you saying?!!
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' ''You're'' the creepy queen of the Dark Moon!!? You've done this evil to the world!!?
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Tell us why you're doing this to us!!
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' [[w:Queen Serenity|Your queen]] sealed me within a mirror, and I have been imprisoned in this dark, desolate place for a long. Now I'm free and I'm determined to have revenge. I now possess the power needed to blanket your world in my eternal darkness. I have suffered a great deal and you will suffer even more.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' We will never allow you to do that!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' Mars power! ''Mars Flame Shooter.''
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' It didn't work.
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' You foolish girls. Can't you see you're completely powerless against me? You may have been able to defeat my pathetic minions, but now you're powerless. With the Golden Crystal, I am the most powerful ruler in the universe, the greatest queen. Bow to me! You are my subjects now!!
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' We will never submit to you! Right, Girls?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Guardians:''' ''PLANET COSMIC...POWER!!''
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' I think we've got her!
:(''Queen Nehelenia is seen, completely unscathed'')
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' I can't believe this.
:(''The five Super Sailor Scouts are exhausted, as the Sailor Planet Power attack took a lot of inner strength'')
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Oh, Darien. Now what do we do?''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Prince Endymion:''' Who are you?
:'''Helios:''' My name is Helios. I was the guardian of the Golden Crystal of Elysion. You have known me as Pegasus.
:'''Prince Endymion:''' So you are Pegasus. I thought I recognized your voice. You have greatly helped us. You have always been there when the Scouts' needed you.
:'''Helios:''' But I fear I have failed you. I failed in my duty as guardian. I was not able to protect the Golden Crystal. Now it is in the hands of Nehelenia. She is using it to plunge the world into darkness. Soon everything we know and love will be destroyed.
:'''Prince Endymion:''' But Elysion was sustained by people's beautiful dreams. She'll never destroy that.
:'''Helios:''' Yes. Elysion was built on people's dreams, but it was the Golden Crystal that protected those dreams. Now, Nehelenia will use the Golden Crystal to destroy people's ability to dream. Elysion won't exist if people are no longer able to dream.  
:'''King Endymion:''' This can't be true. It ''will'' not happen. I cannot believe anyone would want to stop people from dreaming? How? How could they? People will never let go of their sweet, sweet dreams. Just as these beautiful flowers need the sun to grow, people need their dreams. To bring them a ray of hope in their darkest hours. No, people will not let go of their dreams.
:'''Helios''' &quot;thinking)''':''' ''Oh, Rini.''
:'''Prince Endymion:''' Tell me, Helios. Why did you try to protect people's ability to dream?
:'''Helios:''' Because...because that is my duty.
:'''Prince Endymion:''' And that is all?
:'''Helios''' (''hesitates'')''':''' No. I also love to dream. And I love those who have beautiful dreams. My dream is to protect the dreamers and their dreams.
:'''Prince Endymion:''' And now, Helios, have you lost your dream?
:'''Helios:''' No, Prince. I never will.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Are you...?
:'''Helios:''' This is all the power I have left. Use all that you can.
:(''Kisses the slumbering Mini Moon on the lips, to the surprise of Super Sailor Moon and the four Inner Guardians'')
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Helios, how dare! You will not make a fool of me again. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' You lousy brat! You've escaped my spell, but you are no longer my rival! The Golden Crystal is finally in my hands! Prevail!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Please, Golden Crystal. Grant me your power.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Fool. Don't you understand? It takes great power to energize the Crystal. And I alone have this great power; dark moon power. There was a time when wimpy dream power could energize the Crystal. Now the people of this world no longer have the ability to energize the Crystal. Only great dreams energize the Crystal and I have a great dream. Your people have lost all their dreams.
:'''Helios:''' Lost their dreams, maybe, but they have ''not'' lost the ability to dream!!
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Silence, you! See for yourself how the Crystal is dying her hands! What other proof do you need?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Helios:''' Believe me, Mini Moon. Dreams may be lost but people are still able to dream.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' ''This is impossible!! The Crystal is alive again!!''
:(''The bright gold light from said Crystal illuminates the whole area'')
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' This is what we and Pegasus have fought to protect: People's beautiful dreams!!
:'''Helios:''' The Golden Crystal is alive again! It is responding to the dreams of the people. 
:(''Combines her strength with Super Sailor Mini Moon's to further energize the Gold Crystal's energies'')
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Now we'll show you the power of the people, the power of their beautiful dreams!! You are defeated!!
:'''Super Sailor Moon and Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' MOON COSMIC DREAM...ACTION!!

===The Sweetest Dream===
*This is the finale of ''[[w:Sailor Moon SuperS|Sailor Moon SuperS]]''.
*More info on [[w:Queen Nehelenia|Queen Nehelenia]]'s background and true evil intentions are revealed. Her dream of gaining everlasting youth and beauty is a parody of the envious queen in ''[[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]].''
*Final appearances of Helios and the Amazon Quartet. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''The force of the new moon must be pulling all of us. I'm sure of it.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Impossible. It sickens me to think that the power to seal me back into darkness is starting to work already. And worse still, it's all coming from this little twerp.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' I see now. You're actually that moon princess who was sent to save Earth, aren't you?
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' You know who I am?
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' You should remember me. I was the lady who lived not too far from you, over on another planet. For years I watched your kingdom with all its despicable hope and happiness. Now, stay still and listen to how I became the queen of a cold, dark planet''':''' 
:Once I was severed by loyal subjects who hung on my every word. All my subjects praised my exceptional beauty; so much in fact that I believed it would be possible for me to remain beautiful forever and ever. Then, one day, the mirror revealed the truth. So I made sure to steal every lovely dream from own people. And it worked. Their dreams preserved my beauty. And I knew that, as long as there were people with dreams, I remain beautiful. So I decided I could alone among the living, loyal ghosts I created. They would keep me young and obey my commands.
:(''Super Sailor Moon is silent'')
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' So now, do you know why we're rising like this, Miss Moon?
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' Why?  
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' We're rising toward the new moon, so I can be trapped and sealed in the dark and lonely shadow it casts. I've decided there's no good reason for me to remain in a future of truth and ugliness when I can be forever beautiful, in the mirror.
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' You'd rather live all alone forever?
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' ''Silence!! Why should you care how I live!!'' 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' Since you've stolen my beauty, I'm going to steal away your breath!!
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' I feel sorry for you.
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' Don't give me like that stupid look, you pathetic little Moon Urchin! The same you gave me last time!
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' What do you mean?
:'''Old Nehelenia:''' Oh, you and your ridiculous sad eyes. I don't want your sympathy, you moon wrtech!!  
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''No. I mustn't give up. I believe in my moon power.''
:(''A bright pink lights shrouds her, turning her into her past self, Princess Serenity'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Serena''' (''as Princess Serenity'')''':''' Rini.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Sailor Moon. Let's share all our dreams together.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Helios:''' She's awake. My precious one.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Vesu-Vesu:''' I don't need a Golden Crystal to preform magic like that.
:'''Para-Para:''' Um, aren't we going to go without saying goodbye to them? 
:'''Cele-Cele:''' I think it's time to go without a fuss, Para-Para.
:'''Vesu-Vesu:''' And, what do you know? We may see them again.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Serena;''' You'll see him again, Rini.
:'''Rini:''' Yeah. Now I'll just dream about him.

==[[w:Sailor Moon Sailor Stars|Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars]] (Episodes 167-200)==
===Scattering Nightmare Flowers: The Queen of Darkness Returns===
*Professor Souichi Tomeo is alive and well, unlike the manga 
*[[w:Sailor Pluto|Sailor Pluto]], Sailor Guardian of Space-Time, makes a sudden comeback, despite her punishment for freezing time 
*Final uses of ''Uranus Planet Power'' and ''Neptune Planet Power'' and their five-second transformations
*The infant Hotaru Tomeo has the slumbering spirit of Sailor Saturn stir within her and destroys the Mirror Parodie attacking her
*The four solitary Sailor Guardians of the Outer Solar System reappear since a long absence, but do not transform into their stronger Super forms bestowed onto them by Sailor Saturn herself via ''Crystal Power''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehellenia:''' &quot;Wonderful silence. Everything is so still. This is the perfect place for my beauty to be eternal.&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;Oh, my beautiful queen.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehellenia:''' &quot;What is this?&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;You remain here, trapped in this seal.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehlenia:''' Who are you to disturb my rest?
:'''Galaxia:''' All I can say, is I can make you wishes come true.
:'''Queen Nehellnia:''' &quot;My wishes?&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' Now! I shall release you from the seal you are imprisoned in.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Seal? I'm free?&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;How are you...?&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;There is dangerous distortion in the timeline.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' Distortion?&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;That child! Is it...Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;I went to Professor Tomeo, and asked to borrow her for a little while.&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;But why!!?&quot;
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;The time is drawing near when we will need Hotaru's powers. I have no time to explain now.&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;No matter what, we cannot avoid battle.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;Of course not. Fighting is our destiny.&quot;
:(''Puts down the sleeping infant Hotaru down'')
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;It is not yet time for you to fight. Please wait here. Now, transform!!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;I feel such a warm powerful energy.&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' This wave is Hotaru's strength.&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;They are making us overflow with power.&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;They are making us stronger.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;Yes they are.&quot;
:(''All three evolve into their much stronger Super forms, turning their broaches heart-shaped'')
:'''[[w:Sailor Neptune|Super Sailor Neptune]]:'''  &quot;The birth of new powers.&quot; 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Do you think they are a new enemy?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Is there a crisis on the horizon that required Saturn to be reawakened? Whatever it is, it can't be good.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Is that you, Hotaru?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;But she was just an infant moments ago.&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;A great change is to happen. If not stopped, the Princess will be in danger.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' The Princess?
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Just what kind of threat we dealing with here?&quot;

===Saturn Awakens: The Ten Super Guardians Unite===
*This the third appearance of the spirit of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] herself; last appearing in a silent vision in &quot;Second Chance&quot;. She appears before a young Hotaru Tomoe, her lookalike reincarnation, whose memories Saturn restores; thus fully awakening as the Sailor Guardian of Ruin and Rebirth
*Usagi evolves from Super Sailor Moon to Eternal Sailor Moon, her third and ultimate form, with the combined strength of all nine Super Sailor Guardians' powers. This evolution was only temporarily, like when she had used the legendary Holy Grail to temporarily evolve into Super Sailor Moon in ''[[w:Sailor Moon S|Sailor Moon S]]''
*Chibiusa and Usagi transform into their Super forms for the final time with ''Moon Crisis Make Up!!''
*The Moon Kaleidoscope becomes the more powerful Eternal Tiare, with which she uses a nonverbal version of ''Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]:''' Awaken! The time has come for the young soul to fulfill her destiny.&quot;
:(''Her spirit appears before Hotaru, holding her Silence Glaive,and is glowing with a purple aura'')
:'''Young Hotaru:'''&quot; Who are you?&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn's Spirit:''' &quot;I am [[w: Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]. And I am your guardian.&quot;
:'''Young Hotaru:''' &quot;My guardian?&quot;
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Evil is fast approaching. I call upon your true powers. Now close your eyes.&quot;
:(''Uses her great powers to restore her host's memories of her previous life'')
:'''Young Hotaru:''' &quot;I...I remember.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''Setsuna, Haruka and Michiru are started to see Hotaru in her original height and age of fifteen'')
:'''Teenage Hotaru:''' The Princess is grave danger.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;The Princess?&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;What of the others? Them, too?&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;The darkness is approaching.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;Uranus!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Neptune!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' &quot;Pluto!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Mind if we join the party?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;It'll be fun.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;We even brought a guest.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' That's...
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' My guardian deity is Saturn, the planet of ruin! I am the Guardian of Ruin and Rebirth, [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]]!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;It's Hotaru!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Hello, Chibiusa.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Why are you all here?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;Saturn warned us that you were all in great danger.&quot;
:'''Inner Guardians:''' &quot;All of us are in danger?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Sailor Moon, now is the time for you to awaken as the true Moon Princess.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Everyone, we must unite our hearts as one.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Eternal...Make Up!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' &quot;What was that just now?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;What you just witnessed was Sailor Moon's true form. I was reborn to awaken this great power inside of her.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' &quot;That power was incredible.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;It purged all of those creatures.'
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Was that really my true form?&quot;

===The Cursed Mirror: Mamoru, Trapped in a Nightmare===
*The is the very first time that the Super Sailor Guardians of the Outer Solar System- [[w:Sailor Uranus|Uranus]], [[w:Sailor Neptune|Neptune]], [[w:Sailor Pluto|Pluto]] and [[w:Sailor Saturn|Saturn]]- encounter Queen Nehelenia of the Dead Moon, as opposed to the ''[[w:Sailor Moon SuperS|SuperS]]'' season as they had in the manga 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;Hotaru sensed the darkness fast approaching. This caused her reawakening as [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]].&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;This darkness...it must be why I became Eternal Sailor Moon.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Guys, help me!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Everyone, lend your strength to Super Sailor Moon!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Eternal...Make Up!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Sailor Guardians' Ordeals===
:'''Artemis:''' &quot;A time paradox?&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;Small Lady's future is changing. If the curse is not lifted soon, the Prince and Princess will never marry in the future. Small Lady will never be born.&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;Wait! It's a trap.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;Nehelenia wants only you.&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;Please wait here. We will go rescue the Prince.&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;I can't do that!!&quot;
:'''Luna:''' &quot;Usagi.&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;Mamoru...Chibi-Usa is fading away. ''I can't just sit here!! I have to go!!''
:'''Diana:''' &quot;She's transforming without anyone's help.&quot;
:'''Artemis:''' &quot;Her emotions are causing her energy to go out of control.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;What are we waiting for? Let's go after her.&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' Hotaru.
:'''Hotaru:''' We have a mission. A mission as Super Sailor Guardians can fulfill.&quot;
:'''Mina:''' A mission.
:'''Makoto:''' As only we Super Sailor Guardians can fulfill.&quot; 
:'''All:''' To protect our prince and princess!!
:'''Chibi-Usa:''' I'll come, too! 
:'''Diana:''' Small Lady!!
:'''Chibi-Usa:'''I am a Super Sailor Guardian, too. Besides, I know just how Usagi feels.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sailor Mercury|Super Sailor Mercury]]:''' To stop this curse from further terrorizing the city.
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' And to save what is dear to us.
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' Let's go, guys!
:'''All:''' ''&quot;SAILOR...TELEPORT!!&quot;''

===The Endless Battle in the Dark World===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;Usagi is someone we love with all our hearts. Nehelenia, haven't you ever had a true friend like that before?&quot;
:'''Queen Nehellenia:''' &quot;SHUT UP!! ''How dare you speak to me like that!!&quot;''
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' OW!!&quot;
:'''Queen Nehellnia:''' &quot; A friend? What nonsense! I have no need for something so useless! But since you feel so strongly, let me seal you away with your precious friends!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter''' (''weakly'')''':''' &quot;Usagi, you gotta wake up. Usagi.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;We won't let that happen!!&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;It's you two!?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;You have torn between the love of two people and cursed the world in nightmares!! We will never let you get away with it!!&quot;
:(''Points her Silence Glaive at Queen Nehelenia'')
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' ''&quot;Nehelenia, we are not leaving until you release our prince and princess!!&quot;''

===Moon Power: The Nightmare Ends===
*[[w:Sailor Saturn|Super Sailor Saturn]], now bonded with her reincarnation Hotaru, uses one of her strongest destructive powers by causing massive cracks in the floor and destroying most of Queen Nehelenia's fortress with ''Silence Glaive Surprise'' but is prevented from unleashing its full potential by Super Sailor Chibi Moon. It is ''not'' to confused with the nonverbal destructive attack she had used to obliterate Pharaoh 90 in &quot;Darkness, My Old Friend&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Mamo-chan. Mamo-chan.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Don't bother. No matter how you call out to him, he will not hear you.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Mamo-chan. Mamo-chan.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Chibi Moon.&quot;
:(''Picks up her Silence Glaive as the Queen of Darkness laughs'') 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Do you hate me? If so, you will have to kill me. But even if you do, the curse will still be binding.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Huh? AGHH!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Momo, Momo. Please, you have to wake up! You and Usagi share the same dreams.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Oh, Chibi Moon.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;[[w: Sailor Chibi Moon|Chibi Moon]], keep calling out to him!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' ''[Nehellenia uses her dark magic to make Mamoru push Chibi Moon violently away from him]'' &quot;AGHH!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' ''Silent Wall!!''
:(''Erects a transparent shield that blocks Queen Nehelenia's dark energy and turns it back on her mirror'')
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Mamo?! Answer me, please!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;How horrible.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' I will soon take all the White Moon Princess holds dear: Her lover, her friends, even the Earth itself. Feel the bitterness I felt for being sealed in the darkness.&quot;
:'''[[w:Sailor Saturn|Super Sailor Saturn]]:''' &quot;You're a depraved woman obsessed with nightmares. There is no other choice. I will annihilate you, the root of this evil, and [[w:The End of the World (civilization)|bring an end to everything]]. In the name of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]], I shall unleash the power of [[w:Death|destruction]].&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Such inane chatter. Do you really think I can't see through your ruse? That power is a double-edged sword. If you use it, your body will be destroyed as well. You want me to believe you'd actually do that?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Yes, for it is my mission.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Wait! You really intend to die along with me? Where's the meaning in that!? Your death would serve no purpose!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;That's not true. I have faith.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;In what?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;The Princess. She is the beacon of our hope. I cannot allow that light to be extinguished from this world.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Those eyes again! Damn! I despise that look!'' &quot;Silence!! Don't look at me like that!!''&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' ''Princess, please protect the future and Chibiusa along with it.'' ''Silence Glaive Surprise!!''
:(''Rays of white-and-purple destructive energy illuminate the castle, resulting in a forceful colossal explosion that knocks Usagi down and destroys most of the castle'') 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:'''&quot; Don't do it.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;[[w:Sailor Chibi Moon|Chibi Moon]].&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Don't use that power, Saturn, or you'll die.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;But...&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Chibi Moon:''' &quot;Saturn, you told me believe in our prince and princess, remember that?. Don't worry. They won't let something like this defeat them. So please.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Chibi Moon!!&quot;
:(''Uses her dark energy blasts to separate Super Sailor Saturn from her Silence Glaive'')
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;Looks like I greatly underestimated you, Girl. I should have sealed inside a mirror from the beginning. My revenge on your princess has just begun. See it from inside your prison of glass.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Tell me, is this excruciating? After all, in every one of your lifetimes--past, present, and even future--you grew up happy, always surrounded by loved ones. ''[reveals her true story]'' Before I acquired that mirror, I was all alone. It didn't matter how much people worshiped me, I had no one with whom I could share my joy or my sadness. For so long, I had to endure that loneliness. But then, finally, the mirror saved me from that horrible feeling. The mirror promised to give me eternal beauty beyond my wildest dreams. I didn't need friends are loved ones. I was the only friend I needed, I was the only one I loved! For all eternity, the one person I knew I could trust, in whom I could confide my feelings, was me! For the first time, I was freed from loneliness, I had defeated it! That is why I needed to remain beautiful forever: so I would never have to experience those feelings ever again. In the same way you needed your friends, I needed the dream mirror. But then, that wretched Queen of the White Moon sealed me away in that cold, abysmal darkness! Do you know how it felt to be alone again without my precious mirror?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA!!!!!! ''[attacks Usagi viciously]'' A girl like you could never understand!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Why do you continue to look at me with sympathy in your eyes?! You should hate me! Go on, I know you want to!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' No! If it had been me, I couldn't live all alone like that. Bearing all of that loneliness the way you did, I could never do that!
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' Don't talk like you know anything about it! You have no idea what such loneliness feels like!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' You're probably right, but you must know that doing all of this isn't going to make you feel any better!
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' What's that?!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' &quot;If you want revenge, then go ahead and take it all out on me. Just please leave everyone else out of it, I beg you! It's all right. They all know now the pain you went through. They will accept you. All of them would be your friend. Go... Do what needs to be done.&quot;
:'''Queen Nehelenia:''' &quot;You're serious.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[Mamoru and the nine Sailor Guardians combine their powers for Usagi as Nehelenia goes afraid]''
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' Don't be afraid.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' You're not alone anymore.
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' Anyone's heart would grow cold if they were alone.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Please, open your heart.
:'''Sailor Pluto:''' There's still time to atone for your mistakes.
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Be brave.
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Believe in yourself.
:'''Sailor Saturn:''' And have faith in all of us.
:'''Sailor Chibi Moon:''' Believe in my Mommy, in Usagi.
:''[with all their combined powers, Usagi becomes Eternal Sailor Moon for good]''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Farewells and Encounters: Transitioning Stars of Destiny===
*Eternal Sailor Moon utilizes her stronger moonlight-based attack ''Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss'' which she had used twice (through non-verbally) against the Mirror Perrodies and Queen Nehelenia herself.
*Three, new Sailor Guardians, from another galaxy, make their debut: Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Maker and Sailor Star Healer.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Seyia and Usagi's Heart-Pounding Date===
*The main antagonist, [[w:Sailor Galaxia|Sailor Galaxia]], appears before Eternal Sailor Moon
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Iron Mouse:''' ''[answers the phone after hesitating in fear]'' Hi! Thank you so much for your call today! This is Sailor Iron Mouse! How may I be of service?
:'''Galaxia:''' You've failed me for the last time, Sailor Iron Mouse!
:'''Sailor Iron Mouse:''' AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[goes shocked with the Star Lights]'' What?!
:'''Sailor Iron Mouse:''' ''[whimpers]'' Master Galaxia, is this about me hanging up on you earlier?!
:'''Galaxia:''' I have no further use for you.
:'''Sailor Iron Mouse:''' No, I begging you! Please forgive me! ''[Galaxia appears before Iron Mouse, who drops the receiver, as her wrists begin to lock together]'' Don't do it!! Please don't take away my bracelets!! ''[Galaxia reaches out her hand]'' Hey! I just had a great idea! I'm going to tell you a riddle. And if you can't solve it, then how about you forget all this and forgive me? Okay, it walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening! Well, did you figure it out, or did I stump you?! ''[Galaxia takes away her bracelets]'' AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! ''[vanishes]''
:'''Sailor Moon:''' She vanished!
:'''Galaxia:''' This whole galaxy belongs to me, Sailor Galaxia, and if you don't want to end up like her, then stay out of my way!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Invaders from Outer Space: The Coming of Siren===
*The first appearance of Chibi Chibi
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ami Mizuno:''' ''[about Chibi Chibi]'' If I'm being honest, the more I look at her, the more she resembles Usagi.
:'''Rei Hino:''' If she's Chibiusa's little sister, wouldn't that also make her Usagi and Mamoru's second child?
:''[Usagi and Minako squeal in delight upon hearing this]''
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' You're right! I guess it would mean that, would it?
:'''Setsuna Meioh:''' That's not possible.
:'''Sailor Guardians:''' ''[startled]'' Setsuna?!
:'''Setsuna Meioh:''' I was concerned, so I followed you to this place. You see, as far as I'm aware, Small Lady is Neo Queen Serenity's only child.
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' Huh? Then who is she?
:'''Setsuna Meioh:''' I feel it's best to be wary of her.
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' Seriously? I mean, she's just a little girl, though.
:'''Setsuna Meioh:''' She may be young, but it would be foolish to blindly trust her without knowing who she is.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Chibi Chibi's Mystery: The Big and Noisy Chase===
*None of this ever occurred in the manga, as it had only eleven chapters
*Final use of ''Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Antique:''' ''[after Sailor Moon accidentally breaks a vase]'' How could you let this happen?! You'll pay for this, Sailor Moon!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[incredulously furious]'' Now wait just a minute!! YOU'RE the one who started all of this! Oh, and another thing: the only important value of something is sentimental value, you big jerk!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===The Power of a Shinning Star: Chibi Chibi's Transformation===
*Unlike the manga, Chibi Chibi never is not seen transforming with ''Chibi Chibi Crystal Power'' or with any mystical pen or broach
*The Eternal Tiare's healing and purifying magic is given a boost from Sailor Chibi Chibi, allowing Eternal Sailor Moon to pacify a Phage on a much higher level with ''Silver Moon Crystal Power Kiss'' by releasing rays of yellow moonlight
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Invitation to Terror: Usagi's Night Flight===
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' ''[suffers a breakdown]'' Galactica... ''[throws numerous beverages at the Guardians like crazy]'' ...Tsunami!!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': So you've returned. Did you bring the true Star Seed you promised?
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' Uh, well... There were a lot more Sailor Guardians than I thought, so I had to leave without it.
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Wait, you left?!
:'''Galaxia:''' Siren!
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' You idiot! Hurry up and apologize!
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' But I did nothing wrong! Why apologize when it's not even my fault?
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Please, Siren, just do it!!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' ''[appears in the shadows smirking]'' Sounds to me like you made the whole thing up.
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' That's so mean! I saw it with my own eyes! Why would I lie?!
:'''Galaxia:''' ''[glares and reaches out]'' I've heard enough.
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' ''[gasps in terror]'' Please, wait, Master Galaxia! There really was a true Star Seed! I swear on it! ''[Galaxia summons the bracelets]'' No, don't do this!! Master Galaxia!!!
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Please, I beg of you! Give her one more chance! Have mercy!!
:'''Sailor Aluminum Siren:''' ''[screams as her bracelet vanish]'' No, Crow, I don't want to die like this!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! ''[disappears and dies]''
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' SIREN!!!!!! ''[goes still and sobs]''
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' Serves her right. ''[Crow angrily glares at Nyanko coming out of the shadows]'' That loser wasn't suited for this job anyway. ''[snickers]''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Truth Revealed: The Starlights' Past===
:(''Having transformed into their evolved Super Sailor forms off screen'')
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' Oh? You don't get surprised easily.
:'''Yaten:''' We anticipated it a bit.
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' Protecting Earth and the solar system from intruders from beyond-
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' Is our mission.
:'''Seiya:''' Stop! This fighting is pointless!
:'''Yaten:''' Seyia! You should be resting!
:'''Seyia:''' I'm won't see Tsukino Usagi, Eternal Sailor Moon, anymore.

===The Silver Crystal is Stolen! Princess Kakyu Arrives===
*Princess Kakyu of the planet Kimminko makes her debut as a cameo.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' What's gotten into you? All of a sudden, you seem pretty confident.
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' That's because I AM pretty confident.
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' What's that mean?!
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Someone like you wouldn't get it.
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' Try me!
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Have you ever had a rival before? I did, and she was my best friend.
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' And your point is?
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' You see, I was right.  You're never going to understand. Later.
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' ''[in jealousy]'' Best friend, seriously?!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Minako Aino:''' Can you believe those guys?
:'''Ami Mizuno:''' I'm still shocked they were harassing Chibi Chibi.
:'''Makoto Kino:''' Just thinking about it makes me so mad!
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' ''[solemnly]'' Stop it already.
:'''Rei Hino:''' Usagi?
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' Seiya, Taiki and Yaten aren't bad people. You know that. Their voices and songs are so beautiful; there's no way they could be bad.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' ''[she observes Sailor Moon's silver Star Seed shaped like a blooming flower]'' Amazing! I've never seen such a brilliant Star Seed before! We did it, Siren. Now to take it! ''[Crow suddenly gets attacked by someone making her tumble and lose her black hole breaking from her gem]'' Oh, no!
:''[the black hole emerges near Crow]''
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' ''[laughs evilly]'' Oh, I see! So then this was your plan.
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' Why, you!!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' All this time, I thought you and I could become good friends, but I guess not. ''[Crow struggles trying to stop the black hole from growing]'' Don't worry, I'll make sure the true Star Seed is safely delivered to Master Galaxia.
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' ''[thinking]'' Is this really how I'm going to die?!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' Goodbye, loser.
:'''Sailor Lead Crow:''' ''[tearfully]'' Siren, forgive me. ''[gets swallowed up]'' AAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' I better take the Star Seed and get out of here before I get swallowed up too!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:(''Chibi Chibi unleashes the mysterious cosmic power of the incense burner'')
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' What the hell is she?! She destroyed the black hole!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;This energy wave! This is it!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Princess.&quot;
:'''Usagi''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Princess. Is this the lady they have been searching for?''

===Crusade for the Galaxy: Legend of the Sailor Wars===
*The long-lost Princess of Planet Kimmiko, Kakyu, finally appears but has her Star Seed taken by Galaxia herself.
*The ultimate key to destroying Galaxia is the lost Light of Hope
*Mamoru's gold Star Seed is revealed to be in Galaxia's collection
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Princess Kakyu!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;I am so glad you are safe.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;We have waited so long for this moment.&quot;
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' &quot;I am sorry to have worried you so, Starlights. But I had a crucial mission to fulfill.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Mission?
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Chibi-Chibi.
:'''Chibi-Chibi:''' Chibi?
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Thank you so much. Sailor Moon, I've been watching you, for a time, from inside that burner.
:'''Usagi:''' Watching us?
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Long ago, fierce and violent battles had waged between different Sailor Guardians. It was known as the Sailor Wars.
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Sailor...Wars?&quot;
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' &quot;Sailor Guardians are the reincarnations of stars and planets. There are those who fought for everlasting peace, and those who want to end it. Until the ultimate force of evil, Chaos, was defeated and sealed by the strongest Sailor Guardian of legend.&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;Eternal Sailor Moon, let us find the Light of Hope together.&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;Yes.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;Have you come to threaten our princess!?&quot;
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' &quot;Stop!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;But, Princess!&quot;
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' &quot;Eternal Sailor Moon. I believe in you.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Haruka Tenoh:''' Too sweet.
:'''Michiru Kaioh:''' Oh? Well, it shouldn't be; it's barely sweetened.
:'''Haruka Tenoh:''' ''[about Usagi]'' I'm talking about our princess. When it comes to this whole Light of Hope thing, it's she who's going to wind up getting hurt.
:'''Michiru Kaioh:''' You're right, the enemy wants her Star Seed.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Usagi Tsukino''': Now that I think about it, when it comes to doing my best, it's never really been something I'm good at. You know?
:'''Ko Seiya''': Huh?
:'''Usagi Tsukino''': ''[voice breaking]'' Even those times when I tell myself that I'm going to finish my homework, I get lazy and just end up snacking all day. ''[[her fists tremble with sadness]'' Then once I'm full, I get tired and take a nap. ''[Seiya gasps]'' But I keep telling myself that I need to get by on my own. ''[begins to cry]'' But you threw that rose! And it made me remember him!
:'''Ko Seiya''': Bunhead...
:'''Usagi Tsukino''': ''[tearfully]'' I can only hear his voice on a recording. And he never responded to my letters! I tried to be understanding and said it was fine. But... But... I can't do it!!! I can't!!!
:'''Ko Seiya''': ''[worried]'' Oh, Bunhead...
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' ''[falls to her knees and continues crying]'' I miss you Mamo! I'm alone without you! Please come back! ''[continues crying]''
:'''Ko Seiya''': ''[kneels down and comforts her]'' You've still got me. ''[Usagi looks at her]'' Am I not good enough?
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Princess Kakyu Perishes: Advent of Galaxia===
*Princess Kakyu of the destroyed world Kinmoku has her Star Seed taken
*Sailor Galaxia appears before the Super Sailor Guardians' for the very first time
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Minako Aino:''' How'd it go, Ami?
:'''Ami Mizuno:''' ''(goes solemn)'': I contacted the university in America. When I asked them about Mamoru, they said he never showed up.
:'''Makoto Kino:''' Do you think he got caught in some sort of trouble? And just when we needed him the most to be here for Usagi.
:'''Ami Mizuno:''' I can't even imagine how worried sick she's been--and to think, she never showed it in front of us.
:'''Rei Hino:''' I can't believe she actually tried to go through this all by herself. If only she had told us sooner. We could've helped her!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' The galaxy belongs to Master Galaxia!
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' Not on our watch!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' ''[groans then acts different]'' That's right! Don't let Galaxia take control of you!
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' Huh?!
:'''Sailor Tin Nyanko:''' ''[acts bad again]'' No! Now hand your Star Seed over to me or else... ''[groans then acts good again]'' Please, you must be careful! If she takes your Star Seed, then it's... Ugh!
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' Why is she acting so strangely?!
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' It's that bracelet. Galaxia uses it to corrupt other Sailor Guardians.
:'''Usagi Tsukino:''' She's been brainwashed?!
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Yes, but now that one of the bracelets has been removed, it seems that she is reverted back to her good self as a Sailor Guardian.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sailor Galaxia|Sailor Galaxia]]:''' Princess of Planet Kinmoku, was it you who generated the power that challenged me?
:(''Hurls back Princess Kakyu with her strong magic'')
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Princess!
:(''Galaxia continues her assault, but Princess Kakyu raises a mystic force-field around her and the Starlights''')
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Without the Light of Hope, you cannot end Galaxia. I'l hold her off here, while you escape.
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Princess!
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' Hurry!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===Countdown to the Destruction of the Galaxy===
*[[w:Sailor Saturn|Super Sailor Saturn]] and her Silence Glaive, make her reappearance after a 24-episode absence
*The star seeds of Super Sailors' Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Venus are taken in place of Eternal Sailor Moon, Sailor Chibi Chibi, and the Starlights'
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;This is what happened to our home planet!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;Which means there isn't much time left!&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Oh no.&quot;
:'''Super Neptune:''' &quot;Where are you three going?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' ''(restrains Fighter)'' &quot;Fighter!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;You're not planning to charge straight in there, are you?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;If you attack head-on, you'll die in vain!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;So what!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' ''(with her back retreating)'' &quot;You see, our only purpose in life was to protect our princess and see to the revival of our home planet. Now that our hopes have been crushed, we have no reason to live.  But first, we must make sure Galaxia pays for what she did!&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;You can't! Your princess would never have wanted that!&quot;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' &quot;Nuh-uh!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;Shut up!! ''(cries)'' What the hell would you know about it?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;Good luck trying to protect your own princess! You'll definitely need it.&quot; ''(leaves with Healer)''
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Fighter.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' ''(solemnly)'' &quot;I'm sorry, I have to go, Sailor Moon.  The princess's death must be avenged.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Sailor Moon!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Look out!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' ''Silent Wall!!.''
:(''Erects a white energy shield that protects Eternal Sailor Moon and the others from the dark energy bursts'')
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;[[w:Sailor Saturn|Saturn]]!&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;[[w:Sailor Pluto|Pluto]]!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;Our town! We have to do something!&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;Yes, but this enemy is too powerful. Galaxia has already taken control of a large part of our galaxy.&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;Her powers are on a completely different level than the enemies we've faced before this.&quot;
:'''Makoto:''' &quot;Wait, seriously?! Are you saying there isn't anything we can do to stop her?!&quot;
:'''Mina:''' &quot;There has to be a way.  Even as we speak, our town is being torn apart!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;Let us join you on this mission.&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;As members of the Outer Solar System.&quot;
:'''Michiru:''' &quot;Together us four.&quot;
:'''Setsuna:''' &quot;At least one us...&quot;
:'''Hotaru:''' &quot;Will remain alive...&quot;
:'''Haruka:''' &quot;And destroy Galaxia.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailors' Mercury &amp; Mars:''' &quot;Galaxia!!&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Chibi Chibi Moon, did your power bring us here?&quot;
:'''Sailor Chibi Chibi:''' &quot;Power?&quot;
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' &quot;I commend you on such a feat. First, I'll gladly finish you off with those three.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Guardians:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;Why did you come here?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;If you're trying to make us feel indebted to you, it won't work!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;That's not why we came!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;All we wanted to do was protect our world and the people living on it.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Fighter. I didn't think I would see you again.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;Oh, no!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;The lights of four stars are...&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Fading.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;[[w:Sailor Jupiter|Sailor Jupiter]]... [[w:Sailor Mercury|Sailor Mercury]]. [[w:Sailor Venus|Sailor Venus]]...[[w:Sailor Mars|Sailor Mars]].&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' &quot;No! Why?! Why did you all take the hit for us?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' &quot;We wanted... to protect... the friends... we love.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' &quot;Protect your friends?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' ''[tearfully]'' &quot;That's right. We love Sailor Moon, but we love the three of you just as much. You're all special to us!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;But that's-- Was it worth risking your lives for?!&quot;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' &quot;Please just-- please take our place, and protect Usagi and our world.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' ''[crawls to Sailor Mars]'' &quot;Rei, come on! Wake up! Please, Rei! Everyone!&quot; ''[Mercury, Jupiter and Venus fade away]'' &quot;No!! Please come back!&quot; ''[cries]'' &quot;Don't leave me! I need you! Mako, Ami, Minako! I don't want to be alone!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' ''[pats Sailor Moon's head]'' &quot;Don't be such a baby. I know you're better than that, Usagi.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;You can't go, Rei. You promised you'd be with me till the very end. You can't break a promise like that! Don't leave me! I can't do this without you!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' ''[smiles]'' &quot;Dummy, you won't be alone. You still have Mamoru, remember?&quot; ''[gasps painfully then goes to tears]'' &quot;Sorry that I won't be there to protect you anymore.&quot; ''[vanishes]''
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Rei, wait!!&quot; (Sailor Mars vanishes as well.) (quietly) No. (shouts) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Ruler of the Galaxy: Galaxia's Threat===
*[[w:Sailor Saturn|Super Sailor Saturn]] attempts again to unleash her full apocalyptic, deadly powers to annihilate Galaxia from existence, but is again prevented
*Galaxia reveals her intent for awakening the spirit of [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn]] within  five-year-old Hotaru and release of Queen Nehelenia
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;No! Mamo! You killed him!&quot;
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' &quot;Humph! That man was a fool. There is no love or justice in this galaxy. There is only light, and only those who shine the brightest will reign supreme! Now, hand over your Star Seeds before I take them by force.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Sailor Moon, how are you feeling?&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Saturn?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;You're back at Ginga TV.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Where's Mamo, and the others?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;A sudden burst of light brought you and the Star Lights back to us. As for the others... ''[holds and looks at Chibi Chibi sleeping]'' She must be exhausted. She's asleep.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;So then... it wasn't a dream.&quot; ''[begins to cry]'' &quot;Mamo, Rei and all the others... They're gone now! What am I going to do?!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' ''[worried]'' &quot;Sailor Moon...&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;This isn't the time for tears!  While we're just standing around, Galaxia's invasion continues! Getting emotional is not going to change the situation!&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;What's your problem?! Don't you care that your friends just died?!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;As the Guardians of the Outer Planets, the four of us were planning on settling this matter ourselves.  But we messed it up!&quot;
:''[she thinks about the four Inner Guardians getting killed by Galaxia then winces]''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;That's not true.&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Huh?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Fighter, you like Sailor Moon, don't you?&quot;
:(''After a pause'')
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Yes I do.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;I'm glad. Then it seems that you are holding on to the same hope as the rest of us. Have faith in our princess, okay?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;I promise we will defeat Galaxia once and for all. So please watch over us.&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' ''Dead Scream''
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;''World...Shaking!!'' Still can't touch her.&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;You could throw a whole army at me and it wouldn't be enough. None of you will ever be able to lay a finger on me.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Fine!! In exchange for my life, I'll destroy you and bring peace to the solar system! What's so funny!?&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;You're so clueless. Who do you think helped restore your powers in the first place?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;What are you saying?&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;Just try and think back. What was it that forced you to return as a Sailor Guardian so soon after your rebirth?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;It can't be!&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;That's right. I released the Queen of Darkness, Nehelenia, and that prompted Saturn's awakening. It was all me.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' What you're saying is, the battle with Nehellenia was staged from the beginning!?
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;That's a lie!&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;My goal is to harvest every true Star Seed in the galaxy. And for that to be realized, I couldn't have one that hadn't ripened yet. So I presented a catastrophe that would help quicken you awakening. The Queen of Darkness willingly offered her services to me. That's how badly she wanted her revenge on you!
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Liar!! I bet you tricked her into doing it by fueling her envy of Eternal Sailor Moon!!&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;Silence!! I rule over this entire galaxy, and I'm free to use it; however I see fit!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;Pluto&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Pluto:''' &quot;I sensed it, too. They're quite serious about this. Then we won't hold back.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Saturn:''' &quot;We'll fight to the death if we must!&quot;

===Dying Stars: Uranus and Neptune's Last Stand===
*[[w:Sailor Mini Moon|Chibiusa]], Diana and Mamoru appear in a dream made by Galaxia
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune''' ''(after failing their mission)'': &quot;This is it.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:'''&quot; We not longer possess wings to fly through the sky.  Now all that we have left are bloodstained hands.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:'''&quot; Yes, you're right.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Galaxia''': &quot;All of your efforts meant nothing in the end.&quot;
:''(she takes away the bracelets away from the two Super Sailor Guardians)''
:'''Super Sailor Uranus''' (''begins to slowly fade'')''':''' We'll be answering for our sins forever.
:'''Super Sailor Neptune''' (''slowly dying'')''':''' I can endure, if I'm with you--even if we're burned in the flames of hell.
:''':Super Sailor Uranus:''' Hell, huh? It. doesn't suit you.
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' I have no regrets.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Why?! Why do this?!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Because this is how we chose to fight.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;It's the cross we chose to bear as Guardians.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;But that's not how it should work! You didn't have to do this! Why didn't you guys tell me?! I thought you'd really turned against us for good, and that you two weren't friends with us anymore! I am so sorry! I didn't believe in you until the end!&quot; ''[Uranus and Neptune slowly collapse as they slowly fade]'' &quot;Haruka!! Michiru!!&quot; ''[sobs]''
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Serves you right! I'll never forgive you!! And after all that big talk of yours!! If you two die, who will look after Sailor Moon!!?&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Fighter, the thing you're trying to protect isn't the universe or peace...&quot; ''[groans weakly]'' &quot;...or even the future is it?&quot;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' &quot;Huh?!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;I want you to protect her from now on&quot;.
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' ''[begins to understand]'' &quot;Uranus...&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Uranus:''' &quot;Please take good care of her. Our princess is such a crybaby.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Neptune:''' &quot;She sure is.&quot;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' ''[continues crying]'' &quot;I can't help it!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' &quot;I've lost two more people that I care about! In the end, I wasn't able to protect everyone!&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' ''[goes very depressed]'' If I give in and just do as Galaxia says, will I be able to see Mamo and the others again?
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Sailor Moon!
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' Huh?
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Uranus and Neptune fought that way for a reason. Do you know what that reason was?
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' No, I don't!
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' I didn't get it at first either--how they went so far to sacrifice everything. And for what? Could it be that it's really just the way that they fought. It's entirely possible. But I've realized there's more to it than that: it's because they all have faith in you.
:''[Sailor Moon lightly gasps]''
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' They all have faith...
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' Faith in Sailor Moon...
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Yes, and also in their friends. There's something special about you. I used to think that you and I would never fight alongside each other, not in a million years. But look at us now, fighting side by side. I don't know why, but being with you makes me want to believe in others. And most of all, it makes me want to believe in you.
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' ''[still sad]'' So what? What are you trying to say? That that's the reason why all of my friends are gone now?! I didn't need to hear that!
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' But your friends aren't like you think they are.
:''[Sailor Moon gasps hearing this]''
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' Yes. They still live within your heart and will only truly be gone when you decide to give up hope for good.
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' But all of them believe you'd never do that and you'll save everyone.
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' That's why they placed their hopes in you. So, you want to try surrendering to Galaxia? It'll definitely be easier.
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' ''[thinks about it for a moment]'' No.
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' I knew you'd say that. Well, then, if you're going to keep going, I guess I believe in you, too.
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' So do I.
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' And the same goes for me.
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' Fighter, Healer, Maker... Tell me, we're friends, aren't we?
:''[Fighter and Healer nod]''
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' Of course.
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' Then let's go!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===The Light of Hope: Final Battle for the Galaxy===
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' Was that truly the only way? Why? Why did try to resolve everything by yourself? If we all came together, they would have been a better way, without sacrificing anyone, right?
:'''Shadow Galaxia:''' Hmm?
:'''Eternal Sailor Moon:''' If you really are that same Sailor Guardian, we can understand one another.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' ''[struggles trying to perform her attack on Galaxia]'' Star... Serious... ''[Galaxia violently stomps on Fighter's hand destroying her attack]'' AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' What's wrong? That all you've got?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[rushes in to stop Galaxia with tears in her eyes]'' Please, stop this!  I don't want to lose any more of the people I care about.  I don't want to see them suffer anymore!
:''[Galaxia mockingly chuckles]''
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' Don't waste your breath, Sailor Moon!
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' She's a cold-hearted devil who doesn't even have a Star Seed to call her own!
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' It's no use trying to reason with her!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[smiles at Fighter]'' That's not true. ''[Fighter gasps]'' We're all Sailor Guardians, so we can learn to understand each other. I know we can. ''[blood suddenly trickles down on Galaxia's right arm shocking Galaxia]'' We're the same, all of us. When we get hurt, we bleed the same blood, we feel the same pain.
:''[Galaxia gets very agitated by this and suddenly slaps Sailor Moon violently across the face]''
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' SAILOR MOON!!!! ''[catches Sailor Moon breaking her fall]''
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' &quot;We're the same&quot;? You miserable worm! ''[clenches her fist making her blood on her arm disappear]'' I am a god--a god who is shaping a new future for this galaxy!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:(''In Shadow Galaxia's subconscious mind, the true self of Galaxia is seen'')
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' After everything, what have I fought for? Chaos! It's trying to strengthen its energy while it's sealed. I this continues, my body will... No! I can't give in. I most do something. But who? Who could protect the galaxy but me? Go on, my star seed. My light of hope. To someone who will embrace you warmly, to the newly born stars and planets of love and justice.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Shadow Galaxia:''' ''&quot;Now it's over!!&quot;''
:''[Galaxia attacks until Sailor Moon steps up with light glowing]''
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Sailor Moon...
:'''Galaxia:''' What--what is that?!
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' Her star seed...
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' Could she be planning to release its energy?
:''[Sailor Moon goes calm as she does so]''
:'''Galaxia:''' A fitting Star Seed for the princess of the moon. Its radiance is unlike any other in the galaxy. HA!
:''[Sailor Moon's Star Seed comes out of her]''
:'''Starlights:''' &quot;SAILOR MOON!!&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' AAAAAHHHH!!!!
:'''Galaxia:''' Did you think your Star Seed was so special that it would be strong enough to defeat me?! YOU FOOL!!!!!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;This radiance. Is the one light capable of opposing me? The Light of Hope I sent out into the galaxy&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;The Light of Hope.&quot;
:'''Galaxia:''' The Light of Hope is about to awaken.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;

===Usagi's Love: The Moonlight Lights Up the Galaxy===
*This is the series finale of the 1990s anime series. Seventeen years later it is followed by ''[[w:list of Sailor Moon Crystal episodes|Sailor Moon Crystal]]'' which is the reboot adapted more faithfully to the manga
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' &quot;That was how it all began.&quot;
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' &quot;Go, my Star Seed. My Light of Hope, to the ends of the galaxy. Find a star that will embrace you, a star that will one day arise to fight for love and for justice and help her protect this world from the forces of evil.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Galaxia:''' &quot;She is about to awaken--the Light of Hope I sent out into the galaxy. That miserable light!&quot;
:'''Usagi:''' &quot;The Light of Hope.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' '' Sailor Moon.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Who's there?
:'''Chibi-Chibi:''' &quot;I have been searching all this time for someone who would embrace me.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' But who are you?
:'''Chibi-Chibi:''' I am the radiance of the star that was once within Galaxia, the Light of Hope.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' The Light of Hope?&quot;
:'''Chibi-Chibi:''' Please accept this, my life's spark. 
:''[turns into a butterfly and soars to Usagi and becomes a pink Star Seed]''
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[reaches out and smiles]'' So warm and gentle... ''[the Star Seed turns Sailor Moon into Princess Serenity]'' What?!
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' I beg you. Please reignite the Light of Hope in this galaxy. ''[ turns into a royal sword]'' To that end, I grant you this sword.&quot;
:'''Princess Serenity:''' &quot;A sword?&quot;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' &quot;Use this Sealing Sword on Galaxia.&quot;
:'''Princess Serenity:''' &quot;But I...&quot;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' &quot;There's no time to hesitate. It is the only way to end this battle.&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Chaos:''' ''[speaking within Galaxia]'' So that's it! You intend to seal me away by force, using that sword--just as she once did. But power alone cannot defeat me! ''[her appearance changes in evil dark colors]'' For this body belongs to Sailor Galaxia, the most powerful Guardian in the galaxy!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' ''(voice over as the Light of Hope)'': She is no longer Galaxia. Galaxia's body is now under the complete control of Chaos. From the moment she sealed Chaos within herself, it has slowly corrupted her body. She left behind one ray of hope. She cut off her Star Seed, which was still untainted, and released it into the galaxy.  Eventually, it has found its way here... to you.
:'''Sailor Moon''': So, Chibi-Chibi is...?
:'''Chibi-Chibi''': But now, it is too late.  Please, Sailor Moon, save the galaxy with that sword you hold.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Chaos:''' Now there's no one left in the galaxy who can stop me!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' No, this isn't right!
:'''Chaos:''' Hmm?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''[holds Chibi Chibi's lifeless body]'' There's nothing good that ever comes out of fighting! You just end of hurting one another. ''[Chibi Chibi vanishes from her arms]'' Oh, Chibi Chibi, I'm sorry!
:'''Chaos:''' In the end you've proven only that you haven't courage or the pride of a true Guardian.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' If being a Guardian means hurting others, then I don't want it. Nothing good ever comes out of fighting. You know violence isn't the only way to solve things. ''[discards her Princess Serenity persona]''
:'''Chaos:''' What?!
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Chaos:''' So, you've given up then, Sailor Moon?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' No, in fact, I'm far from it. You see, the thing is... I love this world.
:''[the ribbons disappear from Sailor Moon revealing she is wearing nothing but the wings on her back]''
:'''Chaos:''' You what?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' It may be fill with pain and sadness, but I still love it. Because this world was where I was able to meet everyone. You know it too, don't you? How wonderful this world is?
:'''Chaos:''' ''[gets agitated and attacks]'' Stop talking nonsense!! If you won't fight for this world, then you're not fit to defend it! All your friends are gone, because you weren't strong enough to protect them.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' They're not gone.
:'''Chaos:''' What?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' The Star Lights taught me that. ''[the Star Lights watch on]'' As long as I don't give up, my friends will always be with me. If I were to give up, lose hope, stop trying, only then would they be truly gone. That's why I won't lose hope... Why I will never give up.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' Thank you, Sailor Moon. You have illuminated the entire galaxy with your light. It's such a loving and gentle light, and so warm. Do you think Chaos is gone for good?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' I think it's just gone back to where it was always meant to be.
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' Was meant to be?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Yes, inside the hearts of everyone.
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' You're saying it will happen again?
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Have faith. Let's have faith in the people of this world we both love. It'll be all right. After all, don't forget that the Light of Hope resides within everyone's heart as well.
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' You're so strong, and pure. But I--I can never make amends for all the terrible things I've done.
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Just start over, from the beginning. It's never too late for someone to have a second chance. Now, guide the Star Seeds back where they belong, so they don't lose their way.
:'''Sailor Galaxia:''' Thank you... Sailor Moon.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Sailor Saturn|Super Sailor Saturn]]:''' Thank you, Usagi.
:'''[[w:Sailor Pluto|Super Sailor Pluto]]:''' You fought wonderfully.
:'''Usagi:''' Hotaru. Setsuna. I am so glad.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mamoru:''' Usako.
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' Chibi...
:(''Appears in the attire of Prince Endymion'')
:'''Mamoru:''' It was this girl who guided me to you, Uasko.
:'''Usagi''' (''tears up with joy'')''':''' Mamo-chan.
:'''Mamoru:''' You did fine, Usako.
:'''Usagi:''' Oh, Mamo-chan.
:'''Mamoru:''' It's all right. It's over.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Usagi:''' Chibi Chibi?
:'''Chibi Chibi:''' Thank you.
:(''Flies off to parts unknown as a bright pink light'')
:'''Usagi''' (''thinking'')''':''' ''Thank you, Chibi Chibi.''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' 'The Light of Hope resides within everyone's heart'.
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' Sailor Moon taught us that.
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' And what it means to believe.
:'''Princess Kakyu:''' She is indeed an angel on Earth.
:(''Appears, revived and unscathed'')
:'''Sailor Star Lights:''' Princess!
:'''Sailor Star Healer:''' It's a miracle!
:'''Sailor Star Fighter:''' Thank goodness, you returned to us!
:'''Sailor Star Maker:''' Welcome back.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Seiya:''' Mamoru...
:'''Mamoru:''' Huh?
:'''Seiya:''' ''[from what Haruka taught her]'' I want you to protect her from now on! ''[Mamoru goes silent]'' Had you for a second there. I got that line from this smug jerk I know.
:'''Mamoru:''' Don't you worry.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Usagi:''' ''[closing monologue]'' I'm Usaki Tsukino. I'm sixteen years old and go to Juban High School. I'm a bit of a klutz, and get teased for being a crybaby. But the truth is, I'm the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and for justice. I am Sailor Moon.

==Movies==
===[[w:Sailor Moon R: The Movie|Sailor Moon R the Movie: The Promise of the Rose]]===
:'''Mina:''' It's got Amy and Raye! It's the one who stole people's energy before!
:'''Luna:''' We need Scout power.
:'''Mina:''' Venus...Star...Power!
:(''Transforms into the Sailor Scout of Love and Beauty, leader of the Sailor Scouts of the Inner Solar System'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Amy and Raye:''' Get this thing off us!
:'''Sailor Venus:''' ''Venus Love Chain Encircle!''
:'''Luna:''' &quot;It's still alive.&quot;
:'''Lita:''' &quot;That's one stubborn weed.&quot;
:'''Keisenin Blossom:''' &quot;Let's play.&quot;
:'''Raye:''' ''&quot;Mars Star...Power!&quot;''
:(''Transforms in her standard Sailor form as the Sailor Scout of War and Fire'')
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Mars Fire...''Ignite!''
:'''Amy:''' &quot;''Mercury Star Power!!''&quot;
:(''Transforms into the Sailor Scout of Water and Knowledge'')
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Fiore:''' &quot;Impressive. I never thought of you nitwits having such awesome power.&quot;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''You're'' behind this?
:'''Fiore:''' Uh huh. But as you well know, no one works completely alone.
:'''Artemis:''' Who are you!?
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Fiore:''' Sailor Moon, surrender! Hand over your magic wand or lose your pals!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Moon:''' You'll no such thing, Kisinean.
:(''Rises and opens her Crystal Star Brooch, to reveal the mighty Imperium Silver Crystal in the shape of a [[w:Rose|rose']])
:'''Sailor Mars:''' &quot;Not that!&quot;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' &quot;Don't do it, Sailor Moon!&quot;
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' The Moon Crystal's too powerful!&quot;
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' It'll take all your strength!&quot;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Don't do it!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' It's cool. Why have the Moon Crystal if I'm not supposed to use it? Don't worry. Everything will be all right. Now, let's get home safe and sound, 'K?
:(''Fiore covers the Silver Crystal'')
:'''Fiore:''' If you think you're going to change to asteroid's trajectory, your wrong! Give me the Crystal!! Like taking candy from a baby.
:'''Serena:''' I can make you better. Your heart is still pure. We can be friends if you trust me.
:'''Fiore:''' You're lying!
:'''Serena:''' Maybe you'll believe me if I show you how Darien became my friend.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Fiore:''' The Crystal's changing. A flower!
:'''Kisenin Blossom:''' Fire, take the Moon Crystal and get rid of her!! ''Fiore!!''
:(''Tears come down his cheeks, as the Kisean Blossom is wiped out by the Silver Crystal's mightily powerful light'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Mars:''' Wake up! You did it! You stopped the asteroid! No!
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' The Moon Crystal has used up all her strength! We can't lose her!
:'''Sailor Jupiter:''' Wake up! You can't leave us alone like this!
:'''Sailor Venus:''' Don't go, Sailor Moon!
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Fiore!
:'''Fiore:''' You and Sailor Moon have rescued me from the Kisean's destructive grasp.

===[[w:Sailor Moon S: The Movie|Sailor Moon S the Movie: Hearts in Ice]]===
:'''Snow Queen Kaguya:''' Beautiful Earth. I shall make it all mine.
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Kakeru:''' Welcome back. how was your trip?
:'''Himeko:''' I haven't been in Japan for a year. Are things still the same?
:'''Kakeru:''' I discovered a new comet near the moon.
:'''Himeko:''' Really? That's odd. There wasn't anything on the news. Are you sure it's not a mistake?
:'''Kakeru:''' ''Mistake!?'' ''I saw it!'' ''And this may be a part of it!!'' It fell from the sky the night I saw the comet!
:'''Himeko:''' Pretty.
:'''Kakeru:''' But the comet disappeared.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Sailor Venus:''' ''Venus...Crescent...Beam Smash!'' What was that freaky thing?
:(''The Snow Dancer charges towards her and Sailor Jupiter'')
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' ''Mercury Bubbles...Blast!''
:(''It becomes trapped in bubbles'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tuxedo Mask:''' Sailor Moon, now!
:'''Sailor Moon:''' Right.
:(''Picks up the Spiral Heart Scepter'')
:'''Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Spiral...Heart...Attack!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Luna:''' I don't care what happens to me! I just want to save Kakeru! If he meets Princess Kaguya, whom he's been dreaming about since childhood, I'm sure he'll become strong enough to fight off the evil energy! But a cat will never become a human.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Princess Kaguya:''' Bring them to their doom slowly.
:'''Sailor Mars:''' ''Mars Celestial Fire...Surround!''
:(''Several fire rings burn the Snow Dancers, and the four Inner Sailor Guardians arrive to assist their fellow Sailor Guardians'')
:'''Princess Kaguya:''' It doesn't matter how many of you there are. Go have lots of fun with them!
:'''Sailor Mercury:''' ''Shine Aqua...Illusion''
:''[The Movie
===[[w:Sailor Moon SuperS: The Movie|Sailor Moon SuperS the Movie: Black Dream Hole]]===
:'''Luna:''' &quot;Transform, Guys!&quot;
:(''Each girl takes out the mystical Crystal Change Rod she had received from Pegasus/Helios'') 
:'''Amy:''' ''Mercury Crystal Power!!''
:'''Lita:''' ''Jupiter Crystal Power!!''
:'''Raye:''' ''Mars Crystal Power!!''
:'''Mina:''' ''Venus Crystal Power!!&quot;
:'''All:''' &quot;Transform!!&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' ''&quot;Venus...Love and Beauty Shock!!&quot;''
:'''Serena and Rini:''' ''Moon Cosmic Dream Action!!''
:(''Transform into their evolved Super Sailor forms'')
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' ''Moon Tiara Magic!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' ''Jupiter...Oak Evolution!!!''
:'''Super Sailor Mercury:''' ''Mercury...Aqua Rhapsody!!''
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Papaonyo:''' &quot;Be careful. They seem to possess strange powers.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Jupiter:''' ''Supreme Thunder!!''
:'''Super Sailor Venus:''' ''Venus Love Chain Encircles!!''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Papaonyo:''' &quot;You had more reinforcements! How did you humans find our invisible castle!?
:'''Sailor Neptune:''' No tricks work on my magic mirror. ''Submarine...Reflection''.
:'''Sailor Uranus:''' ''Space Sword...Blaster!''
:'''Super Sailor Mars:''' &quot;In that case. ''Mars...Flame Sniper!!''&quot;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Super Sailor Moon:''' &quot;Let's do this.&quot;
:'''Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' &quot;Yeah.&quot;
:(''Both summon their own mystical Moon Kaleidoscope'') 
:'''Super Sailor Moon &amp; Super Sailor Mini Moon:''' '''Moon Gorgeous...Meditation!!!''

==Elements==
===Transformation Objects===
====Sailor Moon====
*Transformation Brooch 
*Disguise Pen (for Usagi/Serena; Season 1)
*Crystal Star Brooch (evolution of basic Sailor form; [[w:Sailor Moon R|Season 2]])
*Cosmic Heart Compact (second evolution of basic Sailor form; [[w:Sailor Moon S|Season 3]])
*Crisis Dream Compact (Season 4 &amp; 3rd movie)
*Eternal Article ([[w:Sailor Moon Sailor Stars|Season 5]])

====Sailor Mercury====
*Transformation Pen (Season 1)
*Star Power Stick (Seasons 2 &amp; 3; evolution of Sailor form)
*Crystal Change Rod (Seasons 4 &amp; 5; Super form)
====Sailor Mars====
*Transformation Pen (Season 1)
*Star Power Stick (Seasons 2 &amp; 3; evolution of Sailor form)
*Crystal Change Rod (Seasons 4 &amp; 5; Super form)
====Sailor Jupiter====
*Transformation Pen (Season 1)
*Star Power Stick (Seasons 2 &amp; 3; evolution of Sailor form)
*Crystal Change Rod (Seasons 4 &amp; 5; Super form)

====Sailor Venus====
*Transformation Pen (Season 1)
*Star Power Stick (Seasons 2-3 &amp; 1st and 2nd movies; evolution of Sailor form)
*Crystal Change Rod (Seasons 4-5 &amp; 3rd movie; Super form)
====Sailor Mini Moon====
*Prism Heart Compact (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
*Crisis Heart Compact (Seasons 4, 5 &amp; 3rd movie; evolved Super form)
====Sailor Uranus====
*Lip Rod (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)

====Sailor Neptune====
*Lip Rod (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
====Sailor Pluto====
*Lip Rod (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
==1990s Attacks==
====Sailor Moon====
*Moon Tiara Action (Seasons 1-4 &amp; 1st and 3rd movies; renamed ''Moon Tiara Magic'')
*Moon Healing Escalation (Season 1; renamed ''Moon Healing Activation'')
*Moon Princess Halation (Season 2 &amp; 1st movie; renamed ''Moon Princess Elimination'')
*Moon Crystal Power (second arc of [[w:Sailor Moon R|Season 2]] via the Crystal Star Broach)
*Moon Spiral Heart Attack (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)

====Super Sailor Moon====
*Rainbow Moon Heartache (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
*Moon Gorgeous Meditation (Season 4 &amp; [[w:Sailor Moon SuperS: The Movie|3rd movie]] with Super Sailor Mini Moon)

====Eternal Sailor Moon====
*Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss (Episodes 173-186)
*Silver Moon Crystal Power Kiss (granted by Sailor Chibi Chibi, in Episode 187)
*Silver Moon Crystal Power (&quot;The Light of Hope: Final Battle for the Galaxy&quot;)

====Sailor Mercury====
*Mercury Bubbles Blast
*Mercury Ice Bubble Blast
*Shine Aqua Illusion
*Super Aqua Illusion
*Mercury Rhapsody
*Mercury Aqua Mirage

====Sailor Mars====
*Evil Spirit, Be Exorcised!!
*Mars Fireball Ignite
*Mars Firebird Strike
*Mars Celestial Fire Surround
*Mega Mars Fire Rings Blast
*Mars Flame Sniper

====Sailor Jupiter====
*Supreme Thunder
*Supreme Thunder Dragon
*Sparkling Wide Pressure 
*Jupiter Thunderclap Zap
*Superior Sparking Thunder
*Jupiter Oak Evolution

====Sailor Venus====
*Venus Crescent Beam Smash
*Venus Crescent Beam Shower
*Venus Love Chain Encircle 
*Super Venus Love Chain
*Venus Love and Beauty Shock

====Sailor Mini Moon====
*Pink Sugar Heart Attack (Season 3)
*Crystal Twinkle Bell (Season 4)
*Moon Gorgeous Meditation (with Super Sailor Moon; 3rd movie)

====Sailor Uranus====
*World Shaking 9Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
*Space Sword Blaster (Seasons 3 &amp; 5 &amp; 3rd movie)
*Super World Shaking (Season 5)

====Sailor Neptune====
*Deep Submerge (Season 3 and 2nd movie)
*Submarine Reflection (3rd movie and Season 5)
*Super Deep Submerge (Season 5)

====Sailor Pluto====
*Dead Scream (Season 3 &amp; 2nd and 3rd movies)
*Opening of Space-Time Door (Season 2)
*Time Freeze (Season 3)
*Super Dead Scream (Season 5)

====Sailor Saturn====
*Destructive Powers to Utterly Annihilate Pharaoh 90 (Season 3; Episode 125) 
*Silence Wall (Season 5; Episodes 172 &amp; 197)
*Silence Glaive Surprise (Season 5; Episode 172)

====Sailor Star Lights====
*Star Serious Laser
*Star Gentle Uterus
*Star Sensitive Inferno

==Magical Weaponry==
*Moon Tiara
*Moon Stick (renamed &quot;Crescent Moon Wand&quot;; Season 1)
*Legendary Silver Crystal
*Cutie Moon Rod (renamed &quot;Cutie Moon Scepter&quot;; Season 2 &amp; 1st movie)
*Spiral Heart Moon Rod/Scepter (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie)
*Pink Moon Stick (Season 3)
*The Holy Grail (Season 3 &amp; 2nd movie; renamed &quot;the Purify Chalice&quot;)
*Space Sword (Seasons 3 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Deep Aqua Mirror (Seasons 3 &amp; [[w:Sailor Moon Sailor Stars|5]], 3rd movie)
*Garnet Rod &amp; Garnet Orb (Seasons 3 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Silence Glaive (renamed &quot;Silent Scythe&quot;; Seasons 3 &amp; 5)
*Crystal Carillon (renamed &quot;Crystal Bell&quot;; [[w:Sailor Moon Supers|Season 4]])
*Moon Kaleidoscope ([[w:Sailor Moon SuperS|Season 4]] &amp; 3rd movie)
*Mercury Harp (Seasons 4 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Mars Arrow (Seasons 4 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Leaves of Oak (Seasons 4 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Heart of Light (Seasons 4 &amp; 5, 3rd movie)
*Eternal Tiare ([[w:Sailor Moon Sailor Stars|Season 5]])
*Holy Moon Chalice (debuts in Episode 187 with ''Silver Moon Crystal Power Kiss'')
*Sword of Sealing (renamed &quot;Sword of Galaxia&quot;; series finale)

==Characters==
===Main===
* [[w:Sailor Moon (character)|Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon/Super Sailor Moon/Eternal Sailor Moon]] ('''Serena''' in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Mercury|Ami Mizuno/Sailor Mercury/Super Sailor Mercury/Eternal Sailor Mercury]] ('''Amy''' in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Mars|Rei Hino/Sailor Mars/Super Sailor Mars/Eternal Sailor Mars]] ('''Raye''' in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Jupiter|Makoto Kino/Sailor Jupiter/Super Sailor Jupiter/Eternal Sailor Jupiter]]  ('''Lita''' in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Venus|Minako Aino/Sailor Venus/Super Sailor Venus/Eternal Sailor Venus]] ('''Mina''' in DIC dub) 
* [[w:Sailor Chibi Moon|Chibiusa/Sailor Chibi Moon/Super Sailor Chibi Moon/Eternal Sailor Chibi Moon]] ('''Rini/Sailor Mini Moon/Super Sailor Mini Moon/Eternal Sailor Mini Moon''' in DIC dub)
* Setsuna Meioh/Sailor Pluto/Super Sailor Pluto/Eternal Sailor Pluto (Trista in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Uranus|Haruka Tenoh/Sailor Uranus/Super Sailor Uranus/Eternal Sailor Uranus]] (Amara in DIC dub)
* [[w:Sailor Neptune|Michiru Kaioh/Sailor Neptune/Super Sailor Neptune/Eternal Sailor Neptune]](Michelle in DIC dub)
* Hotaru Tomoe &amp; [[w:Sailor Saturn|Sailor Saturn/Super Sailor Saturn/Eternal Sailor Saturn]]
* Luna
* Artemis 
* Diana
* Seiya Lights/Sailor Star Fighter
* Yaten Lights/Sailor Star Maker
* Taiki Lights/Sailor Star Healer
* Princess Kakyuu/Sailor Kakyuu
* Chibi-Chibi/Sailor Chibi-Chibi/Sailor Cosmos

===Antagonists===
* Chaos/Sailor Chaos

====The Dark Kingdom====
* Queen Metalia
* Queen Beryl
* Four Kings of Heaven: Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoicite, and Kunzite ('''Malachite''' in DIC dub)

====Black Moon Clan====
*Wiseman/Death Phantom ('''Doom Phantom''' in DIC dub)
* Prince Demand ('''Prince Diamond''' in DIC dub)
* Blue Saphir ('''Sapphire''' in DIC dub)
* Green Esmeraude ('''Emerald''' in DIC dub)
* Crimson Rubeus
* Specter Sisters

====Death Busters====
* Pharaoh 90
* Mistress Nine
* Kaolinite ('''Kaorinite''' in DIC dub)
* Professor Soichi Tomoe
* Witches Five: Eudisl, Mimette, Villui, Tellu, and Cyprine &amp; Ptitol

====Dead Moon Circus====
* Queen Nehelenia of the Dead Moon
* Zirconia
* Amazon Trio: Tiger's Eye, Fish Eye, Hawk's Eye
* Xenotime and Zeolite

====Shadow Galactica====
* Sailor Galaxia
* Chaos
* Sailor Phi
* Sailor Chi
* Sailor Lethe
* Saior Mnemosyne
* Sailor Animamates
**Sailor Iron Mouse
**Sailor Lead Crow
**Sailor Aluminum Siren
**Sailor Tin Nyanko
**Sailor Heavy Metal Papillion

===Supporting===
* Naru Osaka (Molly in DIC dub)
* Umino (Melvin in DIC dub)
* Mr. and Mrs. Tsukino
* Shingo Tsukino
* Deimos &amp; Phobos
* Queen Serenity
* Neo-Queen Serenity
* King Endymion
* Helios/Pegasus
* Amazoness Quartet/Sailor Quartet: Vesu-Vesu/Sailor Vesta, Palla-Palla/Sailor Pallas, Jun-Jun/Sailor Juno, Cere-Cere/Sailor Ceres

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Anime and manga series]]
[[Category:Video games]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Muppets' Wizard of Oz</title>
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----{{dated prod|concern = Low-quality article|month = October|day = 30|year = 2024|time = 15:08|timestamp = 20241030131508}}
'''''[[w:The Muppets' Wizard of Oz|The Muppets' Wizard of Oz]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005]] made-for-television film starring [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]] in an adaptation of the [[Wizard of Oz]] story.

{{film-stub}}

== Dialogue ==
:'''Quentin Tarantino''': And then they pull out SAMURAI SWORDS! They slash and cut and there's explosions everywhere!
:'''Kermit''': That sounds a bit violent for a family film.
:'''Quentin''': Well, how about she kicks her in the face!
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Luna''': Bear and my friends, did I see Dorothy Gale, Aunt Em, Uncle Henry and the Muppets singing Good Life?
:'''Bear''': Oh, yes. And you saw Cookie Monster and Grover from ''Sesame Street'', Gobo Fraggle, Uncle Matt Fraggle, Boober Fraggle, Wembley Fraggle, Mokey Fraggle, Red Fraggle and Aretha from ''Fraggle Rock'' too?
:'''Ojo''': Oh my. It sounds like she was upset.
:'''Pip and Pop''': Whoa. Dorothy Gale never gets upset.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[last lines of the movie]''
:'''Luna''': One Good Life touches many others, Bear and my friends. We should make sure that each Good Life we touch, we touch in as positive a way as we can. 
:'''Bear''': Well, Luna, speaking of Good Life, will you sing the &quot;Goodbye Song&quot; with us, before you go? 
:'''Luna''': (chuckles) I'd love to, Bear and my friends. I'd love to.
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Hey, this was really fun ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ We hope you liked it too ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Seems like we've just begun ♪''
:'''Muppets''': ''♪ When suddenly we're through ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Muppets''': ''♪ 'Cause now it's time to go ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ But, hey, I say, well, that's okay ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ 'Cause we'll see you very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Muppets''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Muppets''': ''♪ And tomorrow, just like today ♪''
:'''Muppets''': (Goodbye - today)
:'''Muppets''': ''♪ The moon, the Bear and the Big Blue House ♪''
:''♪ Will be waiting for you to come and play ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''[waves goodbye to Luna]'' Goodbye now!
:''[Luna goes back up into the night sky and Bear, Ojo, Treelo, Tutter, Pip and Pop all head back to the Attic inside]''
:'''Bear''': Well, Thanks for visiting the Big Blue House. Bye-bye. (turns off) Oh, (turns back on) ''[last words of the movie]'' by the way, We hope I've been one of the nicest parts of your life because... you are one of the nicest parts of mine. ''[nods]'' And We'll be right here, ready to play.
:'''Bear''': See you soon.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0422778| title=The Muppets' Wizard of Oz}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppets' Wizard of Oz, The}}
[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:Television films]]
[[Category:Films about reptiles and amphibians]]
[[Category:Witchcraft in films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Simpsons/Season 11</title>
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    <id>36785</id>
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      <text bytes="40879" sha1="7jmoo18rafia3t7wglog5yi1jabq21w" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Simpsons''/Season 11}}
{{The Simpsons header}}
'''''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''''' (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by [[Matt Groening]]. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

===''[[w:Beyond Blunderdome|Beyond Blunderdome]]''===
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': [[John Travolta]] flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!
:'''Christian''': You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?
:(Trio drives up to the dummy)
:'''Milo''': Hey, it's just a dummy.
:'''Christian''': I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?
:'''Homer''': You had me at hello (&quot;smiles&quot;)
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': I didn't say hello.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Crowd surrounds [[Mel Gibson]]]''
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': Hi, everybody.
:'''Dr. Nick''': Hi, Mr. Gibson!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marge, Bart, and Lisa are walking the streets of Hollywood]''
:'''Marge''': Oh, look, they're shooting a movie! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!
:''[Scene shows Robert Downey Jr. and police officers firing shots at each other]''
:'''Bart''': (Looks around) I don't see any cameras...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the executive screening of Mel's violent remake of ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]'']''
:'''Executive''': You've desecrated a classic film! This is worse than ''[[The Godfather Part III|Godfather III]]''!
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, let's not say things we can't take back.
:'''Executive''': Alright, alright, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day!

===''[[w:Brother's Little Helper|Brother's Little Helper]]''=== 
:'''[[w:Groundskeeper Willie|Groundskeeper Willie]]''': ''[talking to Skinner about Bart]'' Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe into his back! ''[conversationally]'' I can make it look like suicide!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark McGwire|Mark McGwire]]''': Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': But why, Mr. McGwire?
:'''Mark McGwire''': Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
:'''Crowd''': Dingers! Dingers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]''
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Burns]]''': Smithers, we're at war!
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': I'll begin profiteering, sir.
:'''Burns''': And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?
:'''Pharm 1''': Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.
:'''Marge''': Oh.
:'''Pharm 2''': You said he was concerned about satellites?
:'''Marge''': And their beams.
:'''Pharm 2''': Any other strange behavior?
:'''Homer''': He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you.
:'''Pharm 2''': I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]
:'''Homer''': And we trusted you! [strangles model]
:'''Marge''': I think we should take him off the drug.
:'''Pharm 1''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.
:'''Pharm 2''': But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
:'''Pharm 1''': Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?
:'''Pharm 2''': That's a great idea! ''[they kiss]''

===''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?|Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?]]''===
:''Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, and Homer in the car on the way to the Springfield Shopper''
:'''Milhouse''': Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with &quot;D.&quot;
:'''Nelson''': Dingus! ''[Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]''
:'''Homer''': God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
:'''Nelson''': Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.
:'''Bart''': Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.
:'''Homer''': D'oh! (''echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot'')
:(''all arrive at the Springfield Shopper and Homer is holding a balloon that says &quot;Zoo&quot;'')

:'''Newspaper editor''': ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': And what percent is that?
:'''Newspaper editor''': Zero.
:''(Lisa frowns)''
:'''Newspaper editor''': Zero’s a percent.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I smell cake! Cake that says ''(sniff sniff)'' &quot;Farewell&quot; and ''(sniff sniff)'' &quot;Best Wishes&quot;!
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Your old man has an awesome nose.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!
:'''Bart''': Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating restaurant'')
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': The food is exquisite.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': And the view is... (''the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain'') beautiful... (''the restaurant rotates to show a church'') inspirational....(''the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV'') nauseating...(''groans and passes out'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Critic #1''': (''to Homer'') Everything's a rave. &quot;Nine thumbs up&quot;, what the hell is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?
:'''Maggie''': ''(sucks on pacifier)''
:'''Homer''': Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!
:'''Santa's Little Helper''': Ruff!
:'''Homer''': Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
:'''Santa's Little Helper''': Chewy?
:'''Homer''': Chewy! That's inspired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luigi''': Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.
:'''McAllister''': Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
:'''Akira''': Then, why did you put yours in the window?
:'''McAllister''': Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.
:'''Man''': Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
:'''Akira''': No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!
:'''Izzy's Deli Chef''': Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.
:'''McAllister''': Does that answer your question?
:'''Akira''': We'll kill him at the taste of Springfield Festival. We'll make him eat until he can eat no more. Then, he can have just dessert.
:'''French Chef''': This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
:'''Man''': Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
:'''French Chef''': This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. [The chefs reach for the picture] No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
:'''Akira''': Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate.
:'''French Chef''': ...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. (Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.

===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror X|Treehouse of Horror X]]''===
:'''Lisa''': [about the aliens' episode introduction] So what do aliens have to do on [[Halloween]]?
:'''Maggie''': [in Kang's voice] Silence!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': It's impossible! I killed you!
:'''Ned Flanders''': [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': So you were going to kill us!
:'''Ned Flanders''': [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Frink''': Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
:'''[[Lucy Lawless]]''': Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, '''a wizard did it'''.
:'''Frink''': I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 —
:'''Lawless''': Wizard.
:'''Frink''': [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Collector''': Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep [[William Shatner]] from making another album!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The world descends into chaos due to Homer's negligence]''
:'''Homer''': Oh, well. Those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as chaos ensues]''
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
:'''Homer''': Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?
:'''Lisa''': I think that was implied by what I said.
:'''Homer''': Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
:'''Lisa''': Mom, make him stop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars]'' Surely, you must know me! I'm, uh...the piano genius from the movie ''[[Shine_(film)|Shine]]''!
:'''Rocket Security Guard''': ''[Unconvinced]'' Uh-huh. And your name is...
:'''Homer''': Uh...Shiney McShine?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Homer is looking around the spaceship]''
:'''Homer''': Ooh! There's [[Ross Perot]]...[[w:Laura Schlesinger|Dr. Laura]]...[[w:Spike Lee|Spike Lee]]...
:'''Bart''': Wait, they're not that great.
:'''Homer''': Okay, there's [[Dan Quayle]] and [[Courtney Love]]...[[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]...[[Al Sharpton]]?
:''[Tom Arnold walks in]''
:'''Homer''': AAH! [[w:Tom Arnold|Tom Arnold]]?! What the hell's going on?!
:'''Bart''': Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!
:'''Tom Arnold''': Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

===''[[w:E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)|E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)]]''===
:'''Homer''': Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [accidentally pours hot butter on Marge's thigh]
:'''Marge''': You're pouring hot butter on my leg!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I'll dig an outhouse!
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': I'll weed the floor!
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! ''(plasters a fake smile on her face)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Try some, won't you?
:'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph Wiggum]]''': ''(Takes a bit and immediately spits it out)'' Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!
:'''Chief Wiggum''': ''(does the same)'' Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!
:'''Ralph Wiggum''': I want more! ''(Starts devouring more tomacco)''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me.  ''(Joins his son)''
:'''Homer''': ''(chuckles)''

===''[[w:Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder|Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder]]''===
:''(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(in baby talk)'' Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. ''(sternly)'' And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[playing peek-a-boo]'' Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? ''[uncovers his eyes]'' Hey, where is she?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.
:'''Marge''': Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!
:'''Homer''': Well, in bowling ability.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:(''[Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game]'')
:'''Lenny''': Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!
:'''Homer''': Lenny!
:'''Lenny''': What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!
:'''Carl''': Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!
:'''Lenny''': Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--
:(''Is cut off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.)''

===''[[w:Eight Misbehavin'|Eight Misbehavin']]''===
:''(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)''
:'''[[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|Apu]]''': Here goes nothing.
:'''Apu and Manjula''': (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.
:'''Manjula''': All that sex for nothing.
:'''Apu''': Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Apu is asleep with the babies)''
:'''Manjula''': Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.
:'''Apu''': Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
:'''Manjula''': Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.
:'''Apu''': Listen, I'll die when I want to!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''[After Apu complains about his babies]'' Well, they can be a handful...of joy!
:'''Apu''': Shut up!
:'''Flanders''': They can fill your life with-
:'''Apu''': Shut up!
:'''Flanders''': Can't put a price on a miracle!
:'''Apu''': I can't believe you won't shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Larry Kidkill''': Listen, how would you like to come with me?
:'''Apu''': Okay.
:'''Manjula''': Wait, you don't even know who he is!
:'''Apu''': Who cares? There's only one of him!

===''[[w:Take My Wife, Sleaze|Take My Wife, Sleaze]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.
:'''[[w:Lenny Leonard|Lenny]]''': How about the Devil's Pals.
:'''Flanders''': No, see-
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Or the Christ Punchers!
:'''Flanders''': The Christ Pu... I don't think you understand my objections.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meathook''': ''(to Homer)'' There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

===''[[w:Grift of the Magi|Grift of the Magi]]''===
:'''Bart and Milhouse''': Sisters are doing it for themselves!
:'''Homer''': Hey! Why is this door locked? 
:'''Bart''': Oh no, it's Dad! ''[Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]''
:'''Homer''': [screams] What's going on?!  [shaking his fist] And I want the non-gay explanation!
:'''Milhouse''': Uh, we're drunk.  Really drunk.
:'''Homer''': Oh, thank God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gary Coleman|Gary Coleman]]''': Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fat Tony|Fat Tony]]''': I don't get mad, I get stabby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ralph''': Hello, I'm Dr.Stupid! I'm going to take out your liver bones.[decapitates the Mr.Burns dummy] Oops, you're dead!
:'''Mr.Burns''': I never liked that Dr.Stupid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': Fun toys are fun!
:'''Teacher''': Well said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?
:'''Janey Powell''': Mrs. Fun?
:'''Teacher''': Not bad!
:'''Ralph''': Fun?
:'''Teacher''': Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you a F!
:'''Ralph''': The before teacher yelled at me too.
:'''Teacher''': No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're just brainstorming. Lisa, any ideas?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...
:'''Teacher''': Lisa, are you doing math?!
:'''Lisa''': Just a few Venn diagrams.
:'''Ralph''': There's more under her chair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Krusty the Klown|Krusty]]''': So have a Merry [[Christmas]], Happy [[Hanukkah]], Krazy [[Kwanzaa]], a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay Naegle''': I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
:'''Gary Coleman''': What you talkin' 'bout, Miss Naegle?
:'''Lindsay Naegle''': That is so adorable! You're rehired!
:'''Gary Coleman''': Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' 'bout.

===''[[w:Little Big Mom|Little Big Mom]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.
:'''Ski Instructor''': ''[In Homer's thoughts]'' If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is--
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': ''(Cutting in)'' Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!
:''(&quot;Nothin' at all!&quot; echoes several times.)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Aah! Stupid sexy Flanders..!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I got the groceries!
:'''Lisa''': Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?
:'''Homer''': It's the bread of astronauts.
:'''Bart''': I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]''
:'''Lisa''': Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!
:'''Homer''': Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!
:'''Lisa''': You stay away from Lenny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Simpsons gaze the spectacular sunset with Homer calling in the dermabrasion hut]''
:'''Homer''': ''Aloha '''&lt;big&gt;AIIE!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:''Aloha '''&lt;big&gt;OHHE!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:''Until we meet a'''&lt;big&gt;AIGH!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''

===''[[w:Faith Off|Faith Off]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(cooking meat)'' Okay, who needs another lamb rack? ''(Marge and Bart nod no)'' Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
:'''Homer''': Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?
:'''Brother Faith''': Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.
:'''Bart''': Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to ''limit'' my power.
:'''Marge''': Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
:'''Homer''': (Slurred speech) You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

===''[[w:The Mansion Family|The Mansion Family]]''===
:''[Mr. Burns is filling in a medical form.]
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bart is riding his bike through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table before cycling off.]
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I'm Al Unser Jr.!
:''[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''(British accent)'' I'm Princess Margaret!
:''[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(slurred)'' I'm DRUNK!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The family is sitting at the gigantic dining room table]''
:'''Lisa''': Mom! Bart's making faces at me!! ''[looks through opera glasses]'' ...I think. 
:'''Homer''': LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!!
:'''Marge''': This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. ''[picks up an extra long fork]'' Hmm I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with with this one? 
:'''Homer''': ''[in a posh accent]'' Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it. 
:'''Marge''': Homer watch your lang- ''[scratches herself]'' Ooh! That's a life saver! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me! Not you, not its rightful owner, not anyone! ''(downs entire goblet of brandy)'' And another thing: if I eve- ''(passes out)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marge''': All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
:'''Homer''': Marge, you're right. We ''do'' have to have a party!
:'''Marge''': Party?! No! No parties!
:'''Homer''': What about &quot;par-''tays''&quot;?
:'''Marge''': No &quot;part-''tays''&quot;, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!
:'''Homer''': Damn! ''[looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle]'' And I looked so good on that bike...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting ''real'' ugly...
:''[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]''
:'''Moe''': I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!
:'''Barney''': Legally you could give us free beer. ''[Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him]'' Ow!
:'''Lenny''': Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? ''[Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers]'' Sucker! ''[starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands]'' Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
:'''Mr. Burns''': You mean I have pneumonia?
:'''Doctor''': Yes.
:'''Mr. Burns''': Juvenile diabetes?
:'''Doctor''': Yes.
:'''Mr. Burns''': Hysterical pregnancy?!
:'''Doctor''': Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.
:'''Mr. Burns''': You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Look at those poor saps back on land with their &quot;laws&quot; and &quot;ethics&quot;. They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
:''[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]''
:'''Moe''': Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! ''[one of the monkeys screams]'' Ha-ha! [[w:Raging Bull|He ain't pretty no more!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]''
:'''Moe''': Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted [[w:Cantaloupe|cantaloupe]]!
:'''Krusty''': Eh, you didn't miss much. [[w:Honeydew (melon)|Honeydew]] is the money melon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, but it partially floats]''
:'''Lenny''': Hey, whaddya know, it floats!
:'''Homer''': That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
:'''Bart''': What about the people on the bottom?
:'''Homer''': They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Ah, it's good to be home.
:'''Homer''': I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
:'''Bart''': It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. ''[spits it out]''
:'''Marge''': Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.
:'''Homer''': That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... ''[crying]'' Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! ''[drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear]'' Like these guys! ''[The credits for the actors start to roll]'' And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they ''should'' be, of course, but still rich! ''[sobbing]'' Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! ''[Richard K. Chung's name is on screen]'' Oh, he's poor. ''[sobbing again]'' But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! ''[Continues crying as the credits keep rolling]'' Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! ''[The Gracie Films logo goes &quot;Shh!&quot;]'' Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

===''[[w:Saddlesore Galactica|Saddlesore Galactica]]''===
:'''Marge''': Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
:'''Comic Book Guy''': Excuse me, I believe this family [[w:Lisa's Pony|already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences]].
:'''Homer''': Anybody care what this guy thinks?
:'''Crowd''': No!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nelson''': Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
:'''Jimbo/Kearney''': Guff?!
:'''Nelson''': I mean shi-- ''[both punch Nelson]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?
:'''Jockey''': ''[suddenly appears]'' No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! ''[Homer sobs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.
:'''Bart''': You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.
:'''Homer''': Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.
:'''Bart''': Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.
:'''Homer''': Well, it is a good life. Believe me. ''[giggles]'' All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
:'''Bart''': Huh?
:'''Homer''': I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

===''[[w:Alone Again, Natura-Diddily|Alone Again, Natura-Diddily]]''===
:'''Homer''': Ooh, a bobby pin. ''[ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and fall to her death]''
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''(gasps)'' Maude?
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': Oh, my lord! She's dead!
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''(gasps)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marge''': It's hard to believe that we'll never see Maude again.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': I can't believe my last words to Maude were, &quot;No foot-longs.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. ''I'm'' the one who drove her out of her seat. ''I'm'' the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. ''I'm'' the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. ''[notices Ned glaring at him]'' Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!
:'''Ned''': Are you sure?
:'''Homer''': Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's [[John Wayne]], [[Tupac Shakur]], Sherlock Holmes--
:'''Ned''': Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a ''character''.
:'''Homer''': Oh, he sure was! ''[does a sexy growl]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ned''': Is this a dating video?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While Homer is filming Lenny, Carl, and Moe in front of Moe's Tavern for Ned's bachelor tape]''
:'''Homer''': So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!
:'''Carl''': ...What are you doing, Homer?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk:''' [while during Maude's funeral] Yeah, and lots of storybooks have witches.

===''[[w:Missionary: Impossible|Missionary: Impossible]]''===
:'''TV''': You're watching PBS.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': '''''You're''''' watching PBS?!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a [[w:Female|bird]], they're having a row with a [[w:Masturbation|wanker]].
:'''Bart''': Cheeky!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Rogers''': It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar The Grouch''': Give us the money!
:'''Elmo''': Elmo knows where you live!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'''
:'''Homer''': You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!
:'''Amy''': First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.
:'''Homer''': Done.
:'''Craig''': We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Qtoktok''': So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?
:'''Homer''': Yeah.
:'''Qtoktok''': Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.
:'''Homer''': Nah, I'm good.
:''[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]''
:'''Homer''': Ahh! What was that?!
:'''Qtoktok''': We call that-- (''starts making gagging and choking noises'') sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, &quot;earthquake&quot;.
:'''Homer''': Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!

===''[[w:Pygmoelian|Pygmoelian]]''===
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?
:'''[[w:Carl Carlson|Carl]]''': Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? ''(Lenny gasps)'' Is Barney that drunk? ''(Barney gasps)'' Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? ''(Homer gasps)''
:'''Moe''': Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! ''(He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)''
:'''Carl''': ''(to the audience)'' See, this is why I don't talk much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Moe''': I've been called &quot;Ugly,&quot; &quot;Pug Ugly,&quot; &quot;Fugly,&quot; &quot;Pug Fugly.&quot; But never &quot;Ugly-Ugly!&quot;
:'''Homer''': Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gay Republican #1''': What we need is a symbol that says, &quot;We're gay ''and'' Republican!''
:''(Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.)
:'''Gay Republican #2''': A little on-the-nose, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''[reading from a sticker]'' A gay president for ''2084''?
:'''Gay Republican''': We're realistic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Moe Syzlak|Moe]]''': Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
:'''[[w:Moe Syzlak|Moe]]''': Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. (''Flashback.'') It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, &quot;It Never Ends&quot;. (''Reads a script.'') 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'
:'''Producer''': Thank you, next! What were you thinking?
:'''Casting Director''': Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.
:'''Producer''': I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days)''
:'''Titania''': Ew! ''(to Duffman)'' You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
:'''Duffman''': Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Duffman''': [with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Producer''': You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
:'''Moe''': Whaa?
:'''Producer''': [holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
:'''Moe''': I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
:'''Producer''': No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

===''[[w:Bart to the Future|Bart to the Future]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer Simpson]]''': Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart Simpson]]''': Don't you mean &quot;present?&quot;
:'''Homer Simpson''': Right, right. Present.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge Simpson]]''': So, how was everyone's day?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa Simpson]]''': Appointed a [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] justice.
:'''Bart Simpson''': ''[[Bewitched]]'' [[w:television marathon|marathon]].
:'''Homer Simpson''': Searched for [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln's gold]].
:'''Lisa Simpson''': Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.
:'''Homer Simpson''': Then what is his ghost protecting?

===''[[w:Days of Wine and D'oh'ses|Days of Wine and D'oh'ses]]''===
:''(as Homer and Bart are &quot;celebrating&quot; Trash Night)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Dad, that's a sports bra.
:'''Homer''': All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': [As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]
:'''Homer''': Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki![The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do '''that'''?
:'''Ned''': Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-
:'''Homer''': Irregardless! I am '''your god''' now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!
:'''Marge''': Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
:'''Homer''': [shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki![dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kent''': Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, &quot;Fireball and Mudflap.&quot; I caught up with Burt on the set.
:'''Kent''': So, Burt, tell us a little about &quot;Fireball and Mudflap.&quot;
:'''Reynolds''': I play Jerry &quot;Fireball&quot; Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's... garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Barney!
:''[Homer picks up the payphone]''
:'''Homer''': The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': You did it, Dad!
:'''Homer''': [drunk] You can't prove I did it.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': No, you saved our lives.
:'''Homer''': I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

===''[[w:Kill the Alligator and Run|Kill the Alligator and Run]]''===
:'''Doctor''': What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest [[w:Florida|Florida]].
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Florida? But that's America's [[w:Human Penis|wang]]!
:'''Doctor''': They prefer, &quot;The Sunshine State.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons are driving to Florida]''
:'''Lisa''': Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!
:'''Bart''': Mom! Lisa's growing!
:'''Marge''': Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.
:'''Homer''': ''[Holding a pennant that says &quot;Mental&quot;]'' My pockets hurt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.
:'''Homer''': ''(threateningly)'' It'll be real soon enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[to Homer for his actions]'' This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost... no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault!
:'''Homer''': I Love being Married.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': [[w:Arizona|Arizona]] smells funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Simpsons are put on trial for evading the police and murdering Captain Jack the alligator)''
:'''Homer''': Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. ''(clears throat and turns to the left)'': Drunken hicks of the jury...
:''(cut to a jury box filled with offended rednecks gasping. One drinks from a bottle of beer)''

===''[[w:Last Tap Dance in Springfield|Last Tap Dance in Springfield]]''===
:''(while at Eye Caramba)''
:'''Homer''': &quot;I…8…P P?&quot; (sees Bart writing then turns red in anger and strangles him) Why you little…!
:'''Eye Doctor''': Better, or worse?
:'''Homer''': Worse!
:'''Eye Doctor''': Better, or worse?
:'''Homer''': ''[still in different voice]'' Much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Marge and Lisa leave the theater after the end of ''Tango De La Muerte'')''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!
:'''Marge''': That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. ''[looks around]'' Where ''is'' he, anyway?
:''[cut to Homer, whose eyes have crusted over from not taking his eye drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat]''
:'''Kearney''': ''[doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge]'' Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.
:'''Homer''': Yes, dear.
:''[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a high-five]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ralph''': Teacher, my shoes are making noise!
:'''Vicki''': You must be Ralph.
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': My daddy shoots people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': [Upon having set up a human sized mouse trap, wherein an anvil is attached with a rope to it.] We’ll catch that mall rat.
:'''Lou''': Sure hope this Acme kit works.
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.
:'''Lou''': I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one.
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': I like those odds! [ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vicki Valentine''': I'm sorry but treating people like equals when they most clearly aren't is called &lt;i&gt;what&lt;/i&gt; kids?
:'''Children''': Communism.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vicki Valentine''': Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[despite that Lisa is not in stage anymore]'' Where is Lisa?
:'''Homer''': ''[anxiously]'' This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

===''[[w:It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge|It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge]]''===
:'''Squeaky-Voiced Teen''': And God said, &quot;Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': ''[as he eats dinner]'' This tastes better than God's sweat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ice Cream Store Clerk''': ''[after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes]'' I can only see a horrible rainbow!

===''[[w:Behind the Laughter|Behind the Laughter]]''===
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
:''[Camera cuts to Homer]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? ''[pause]'' What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer Simpson''': Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[After scenes are shown from the first pilot]'' Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.
:''[Camera cuts to Homer]''
:'''Homer''': Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rehearsal footage from shooting a Simpsons episode]''
:'''Homer''': Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!
:'''Bart''': Cowabunga, dude!
:'''Director''': And cut!
:'''Bart''': Dad, I've never said &quot;cowabunga&quot; in my life! Your script sucks!
:'''Homer''': ''[turns his face red in anger]'' Why you little...! ''[starts strangling Bart]''
:'''Director''': Hey, that's funny!
:''[Homer and Bart pause for a moment, then continue with some fake strangling, camera cuts to Homer being interviewed for the program]''
:'''Homer''': And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing money all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!
:'''Carl''': Hey, did we ever get that money?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I wanna set the record straight. I ''thought'' the ''cop'' was a ''prostitute''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, but now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered by Satan.

&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, Season 11}}
[[Category:The Simpsons seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607067</id>
      <parentid>3607063</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:44:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="41444" sha1="2uf1jyxkyjblqodvj836uwwl9kvhnlx" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Simpsons''/Season 11}}
{{The Simpsons header}}
'''''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''''' (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by [[Matt Groening]]. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

===''[[w:Beyond Blunderdome|Beyond Blunderdome]]''===
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': [[John Travolta]] flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hannah''': Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!
:'''Christian''': You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?
:(Trio drives up to the dummy)
:'''Milo''': Hey, it's just a dummy.
:'''Christian''': I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?
:'''Homer''': You had me at hello (&quot;smiles&quot;)
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': I didn't say hello.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Crowd surrounds [[Mel Gibson]]]''
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': Hi, everybody.
:'''Dr. Nick''': Hi, Mr. Gibson!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marge, Bart, and Lisa are walking the streets of Hollywood]''
:'''Marge''': Oh, look, they're shooting a movie! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!
:''[Scene shows Robert Downey Jr. and police officers firing shots at each other]''
:'''Bart''': (Looks around) I don't see any cameras...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the executive screening of Mel's violent remake of ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]'']''
:'''Executive''': You've desecrated a classic film! This is worse than ''[[The Godfather Part III|Godfather III]]''!
:'''[[Mel Gibson]]''': Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, let's not say things we can't take back.
:'''Executive''': Alright, alright, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day!

===''[[w:Brother's Little Helper|Brother's Little Helper]]''=== 
:'''[[w:Groundskeeper Willie|Groundskeeper Willie]]''': ''[talking to Skinner about Bart]'' Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe into his back! ''[conversationally]'' I can make it look like suicide!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark McGwire|Mark McGwire]]''': Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': But why, Mr. McGwire?
:'''Mark McGwire''': Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
:'''Crowd''': Dingers! Dingers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]''
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Burns]]''': Smithers, we're at war!
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': I'll begin profiteering, sir.
:'''Burns''': And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?
:'''Pharm 1''': Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.
:'''Marge''': Oh.
:'''Pharm 2''': You said he was concerned about satellites?
:'''Marge''': And their beams.
:'''Pharm 2''': Any other strange behavior?
:'''Homer''': He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you.
:'''Pharm 2''': I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]
:'''Homer''': And we trusted you! [strangles model]
:'''Marge''': I think we should take him off the drug.
:'''Pharm 1''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.
:'''Pharm 2''': But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
:'''Pharm 1''': Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?
:'''Pharm 2''': That's a great idea! ''[they kiss]''

===''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?|Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?]]''===
:''Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, and Homer in the car on the way to the Springfield Shopper''
:'''Milhouse''': Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with &quot;D.&quot;
:'''Nelson''': Dingus! ''[Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]''
:'''Homer''': God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
:'''Nelson''': Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.
:'''Bart''': Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.
:'''Homer''': D'oh! (''echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot'')
:(''all arrive at the Springfield Shopper and Homer is holding a balloon that says &quot;Zoo&quot;'')

:'''Newspaper editor''': ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': And what percent is that?
:'''Newspaper editor''': Zero.
:''(Lisa frowns)''
:'''Newspaper editor''': Zero’s a percent.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I smell cake! Cake that says ''(sniff sniff)'' &quot;Farewell&quot; and ''(sniff sniff)'' &quot;Best Wishes&quot;!
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Your old man has an awesome nose.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!
:'''Bart''': Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating restaurant'')
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': The food is exquisite.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': And the view is... (''the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain'') beautiful... (''the restaurant rotates to show a church'') inspirational....(''the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV'') nauseating...(''groans and passes out'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Critic #1''': (''to Homer'') Everything's a rave. &quot;Nine thumbs up&quot;, what the hell is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?
:'''Maggie''': ''(sucks on pacifier)''
:'''Homer''': Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!
:'''Santa's Little Helper''': Ruff!
:'''Homer''': Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
:'''Santa's Little Helper''': Chewy?
:'''Homer''': Chewy! That's inspired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luigi''': Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.
:'''McAllister''': Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
:'''Akira''': Then, why did you put yours in the window?
:'''McAllister''': Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.
:'''Man''': Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
:'''Akira''': No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!
:'''Izzy's Deli Chef''': Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.
:'''McAllister''': Does that answer your question?
:'''Akira''': We'll kill him at the taste of Springfield Festival. We'll make him eat until he can eat no more. Then, he can have just dessert.
:'''French Chef''': This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
:'''Man''': Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
:'''French Chef''': This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. [The chefs reach for the picture] No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
:'''Akira''': Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate.
:'''French Chef''': ...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. (Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.

===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror X|Treehouse of Horror X]]''===
:'''Lisa''': [about the aliens' episode introduction] So what do aliens have to do on [[Halloween]]?
:'''Maggie''': [in Kang's voice] Silence!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': It's impossible! I killed you!
:'''Ned Flanders''': [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': So you were going to kill us!
:'''Ned Flanders''': [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Frink''': Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
:'''[[Lucy Lawless]]''': Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, '''a wizard did it'''.
:'''Frink''': I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 —
:'''Lawless''': Wizard.
:'''Frink''': [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Collector''': Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep [[William Shatner]] from making another album!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The world descends into chaos due to Homer's negligence]''
:'''Homer''': Oh, well. Those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as chaos ensues]''
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
:'''Homer''': Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?
:'''Lisa''': I think that was implied by what I said.
:'''Homer''': Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
:'''Lisa''': Mom, make him stop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars]'' Surely, you must know me! I'm, uh...the piano genius from the movie ''[[Shine_(film)|Shine]]''!
:'''Rocket Security Guard''': ''[Unconvinced]'' Uh-huh. And your name is...
:'''Homer''': Uh...Shiney McShine?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Homer is looking around the spaceship]''
:'''Homer''': Ooh! There's [[Ross Perot]]...[[w:Laura Schlesinger|Dr. Laura]]...[[w:Spike Lee|Spike Lee]]...
:'''Bart''': Wait, they're not that great.
:'''Homer''': Okay, there's [[Dan Quayle]] and [[Courtney Love]]...[[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]...[[Al Sharpton]]?
:''[Tom Arnold walks in]''
:'''Homer''': AAH! [[w:Tom Arnold|Tom Arnold]]?! What the hell's going on?!
:'''Bart''': Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!
:'''Tom Arnold''': Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

===''[[w:E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)|E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)]]''===
:'''Homer''': Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [accidentally pours hot butter on Marge's thigh]
:'''Marge''': You're pouring hot butter on my leg!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I'll dig an outhouse!
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': I'll weed the floor!
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! ''(plasters a fake smile on her face)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Try some, won't you?
:'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph Wiggum]]''': ''(Takes a bit and immediately spits it out)'' Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!
:'''Chief Wiggum''': ''(does the same)'' Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!
:'''Ralph Wiggum''': I want more! ''(Starts devouring more tomacco)''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me.  ''(Joins his son)''
:'''Homer''': ''(chuckles)''

===''[[w:Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder|Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder]]''===
:''(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(in baby talk)'' Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. ''(sternly)'' And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[playing peek-a-boo]'' Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? ''[uncovers his eyes]'' Hey, where is she?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.
:'''Marge''': Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!
:'''Homer''': Well, in bowling ability.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:(''[Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game]'')
:'''Lenny''': Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!
:'''Homer''': Lenny!
:'''Lenny''': What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!
:'''Carl''': Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!
:'''Lenny''': Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--
:(''Is cut off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.)''

===''[[w:Eight Misbehavin'|Eight Misbehavin']]''===
:''(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)''
:'''[[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|Apu]]''': Here goes nothing.
:'''Apu and Manjula''': (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.
:'''Manjula''': All that sex for nothing.
:'''Apu''': Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Apu is asleep with the babies)''
:'''Manjula''': Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.
:'''Apu''': Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
:'''Manjula''': Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.
:'''Apu''': Listen, I'll die when I want to!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''[After Apu complains about his babies]'' Well, they can be a handful...of joy!
:'''Apu''': Shut up!
:'''Flanders''': They can fill your life with-
:'''Apu''': Shut up!
:'''Flanders''': Can't put a price on a miracle!
:'''Apu''': I can't believe you won't shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Larry Kidkill''': Listen, how would you like to come with me?
:'''Apu''': Okay.
:'''Manjula''': Wait, you don't even know who he is!
:'''Apu''': Who cares? There's only one of him!

===''[[w:Take My Wife, Sleaze|Take My Wife, Sleaze]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.
:'''[[w:Lenny Leonard|Lenny]]''': How about the Devil's Pals.
:'''Flanders''': No, see-
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Or the Christ Punchers!
:'''Flanders''': The Christ Pu... I don't think you understand my objections.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meathook''': ''(to Homer)'' There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

===''[[w:Grift of the Magi|Grift of the Magi]]''===
:'''Bart and Milhouse''': Sisters are doing it for themselves!
:'''Homer''': Hey! Why is this door locked? 
:'''Bart''': Oh no, it's Dad! ''[Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]''
:'''Homer''': [screams] What's going on?!  [shaking his fist] And I want the non-gay explanation!
:'''Milhouse''': Uh, we're drunk.  Really drunk.
:'''Homer''': Oh, thank God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gary Coleman|Gary Coleman]]''': Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fat Tony|Fat Tony]]''': I don't get mad, I get stabby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ralph''': Hello, I'm Dr.Stupid! I'm going to take out your liver bones.[decapitates the Mr.Burns dummy] Oops, you're dead!
:'''Mr.Burns''': I never liked that Dr.Stupid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': Fun toys are fun!
:'''Teacher''': Well said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?
:'''Janey Powell''': Mrs. Fun?
:'''Teacher''': Not bad!
:'''Ralph''': Fun?
:'''Teacher''': Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you a F!
:'''Ralph''': The before teacher yelled at me too.
:'''Teacher''': No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're just brainstorming. Lisa, any ideas?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...
:'''Teacher''': Lisa, are you doing math?!
:'''Lisa''': Just a few Venn diagrams.
:'''Ralph''': There's more under her chair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Krusty the Klown|Krusty]]''': So have a Merry [[Christmas]], Happy [[Hanukkah]], Krazy [[Kwanzaa]], a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay Naegle''': I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
:'''Gary Coleman''': What you talkin' 'bout, Miss Naegle?
:'''Lindsay Naegle''': That is so adorable! You're rehired!
:'''Gary Coleman''': Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' 'bout.

===''[[w:Little Big Mom|Little Big Mom]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.
:'''Ski Instructor''': ''[In Homer's thoughts]'' If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is--
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': ''(Cutting in)'' Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!
:''(&quot;Nothin' at all!&quot; echoes several times.)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Aah! Stupid sexy Flanders..!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I got the groceries!
:'''Lisa''': Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?
:'''Homer''': It's the bread of astronauts.
:'''Bart''': I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]''
:'''Lisa''': Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!
:'''Homer''': Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!
:'''Lisa''': You stay away from Lenny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Simpsons gaze the spectacular sunset with Homer calling in the dermabrasion hut]''
:'''Homer''': ''Aloha '''&lt;big&gt;AIIE!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:''Aloha '''&lt;big&gt;OHHE!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:''Until we meet a'''&lt;big&gt;AIGH!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''''

===''[[w:Faith Off|Faith Off]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(cooking meat)'' Okay, who needs another lamb rack? ''(Marge and Bart nod no)'' Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
:'''Homer''': Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?
:'''Brother Faith''': Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.
:'''Bart''': Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to ''limit'' my power.
:'''Marge''': Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
:'''Homer''': (Slurred speech) You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

===''[[w:The Mansion Family|The Mansion Family]]''===
:''[Mr. Burns is filling in a medical form.]
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bart is riding his bike through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table before cycling off.]
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I'm Al Unser Jr.!
:''[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''(British accent)'' I'm Princess Margaret!
:''[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(slurred)'' I'm DRUNK!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The family is sitting at the gigantic dining room table]''
:'''Lisa''': Mom! Bart's making faces at me!! ''[looks through opera glasses]'' ...I think. 
:'''Homer''': LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!!
:'''Marge''': This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. ''[picks up an extra long fork]'' Hmm I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with with this one? 
:'''Homer''': ''[in a posh accent]'' Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it. 
:'''Marge''': Homer watch your lang- ''[scratches herself]'' Ooh! That's a life saver! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me! Not you, not its rightful owner, not anyone! ''(downs entire goblet of brandy)'' And another thing: if I eve- ''(passes out)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marge''': All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
:'''Homer''': Marge, you're right. We ''do'' have to have a party!
:'''Marge''': Party?! No! No parties!
:'''Homer''': What about &quot;par-''tays''&quot;?
:'''Marge''': No &quot;part-''tays''&quot;, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!
:'''Homer''': Damn! ''[looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle]'' And I looked so good on that bike...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Carl''': Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting ''real'' ugly...
:''[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]''
:'''Moe''': I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!
:'''Barney''': Legally you could give us free beer. ''[Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him]'' Ow!
:'''Lenny''': Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? ''[Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers]'' Sucker! ''[starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands]'' Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
:'''Mr. Burns''': You mean I have pneumonia?
:'''Doctor''': Yes.
:'''Mr. Burns''': Juvenile diabetes?
:'''Doctor''': Yes.
:'''Mr. Burns''': Hysterical pregnancy?!
:'''Doctor''': Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.
:'''Mr. Burns''': You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Look at those poor saps back on land with their &quot;laws&quot; and &quot;ethics&quot;. They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
:''[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]''
:'''Moe''': Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! ''[one of the monkeys screams]'' Ha-ha! [[w:Raging Bull|He ain't pretty no more!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]''
:'''Moe''': Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted [[w:Cantaloupe|cantaloupe]]!
:'''Krusty''': Eh, you didn't miss much. [[w:Honeydew (melon)|Honeydew]] is the money melon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, but it partially floats]''
:'''Lenny''': Hey, whaddya know, it floats!
:'''Homer''': That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
:'''Bart''': What about the people on the bottom?
:'''Homer''': They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Ah, it's good to be home.
:'''Homer''': I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
:'''Bart''': It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. ''[spits it out]''
:'''Marge''': Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.
:'''Homer''': That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... ''[crying]'' Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! ''[drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear]'' Like these guys! ''[The credits for the actors start to roll]'' And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they ''should'' be, of course, but still rich! ''[sobbing]'' Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! ''[Richard K. Chung's name is on screen]'' Oh, he's poor. ''[sobbing again]'' But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! ''[Continues crying as the credits keep rolling]'' Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! ''[The Gracie Films logo goes &quot;Shh!&quot;]'' Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

===''[[w:Saddlesore Galactica|Saddlesore Galactica]]''===
:'''Marge''': Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
:'''Comic Book Guy''': Excuse me, I believe this family [[w:Lisa's Pony|already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences]].
:'''Homer''': Anybody care what this guy thinks?
:'''Crowd''': No!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nelson''': Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
:'''Jimbo/Kearney''': Guff?!
:'''Nelson''': I mean shi-- ''[both punch Nelson]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?
:'''Jockey''': ''[suddenly appears]'' No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! ''[Homer sobs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Homer''': Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.
:'''Bart''': You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.
:'''Homer''': Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.
:'''Bart''': Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.
:'''Homer''': Well, it is a good life. Believe me. ''[giggles]'' All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
:'''Bart''': Huh?
:'''Homer''': I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

===''[[w:Alone Again, Natura-Diddily|Alone Again, Natura-Diddily]]''===
:'''Homer''': Ooh, a bobby pin. ''[ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and fall to her death]''
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''(gasps)'' Maude?
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': Oh, my lord! She's dead!
:'''Ned Flanders''': ''(gasps)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marge''': It's hard to believe that we'll never see Maude again.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': I can't believe my last words to Maude were, &quot;No foot-longs.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. ''I'm'' the one who drove her out of her seat. ''I'm'' the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. ''I'm'' the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. ''[notices Ned glaring at him]'' Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!
:'''Ned''': Are you sure?
:'''Homer''': Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's [[John Wayne]], [[Tupac Shakur]], Sherlock Holmes--
:'''Ned''': Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a ''character''.
:'''Homer''': Oh, he sure was! ''[does a sexy growl]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ned''': Is this a dating video?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[While Homer is filming Lenny, Carl, and Moe in front of Moe's Tavern for Ned's bachelor tape]''
:'''Homer''': So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!
:'''Carl''': ...What are you doing, Homer?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kirk:''' [while during Maude's funeral] Yeah, and lots of storybooks have witches.

===''[[w:Missionary: Impossible|Missionary: Impossible]]''===
:'''TV''': You're watching PBS.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': '''''You're''''' watching PBS?!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a [[w:Female|bird]], they're having a row with a [[w:Masturbation|wanker]].
:'''Bart''': Cheeky!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Rogers''': It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oscar The Grouch''': Give us the money!
:'''Elmo''': Elmo knows where you live!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'''
:'''Homer''': You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!
:'''Amy''': First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.
:'''Homer''': Done.
:'''Craig''': We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Qtoktok''': So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?
:'''Homer''': Yeah.
:'''Qtoktok''': Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.
:'''Homer''': Nah, I'm good.
:''[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]''
:'''Homer''': Ahh! What was that?!
:'''Qtoktok''': We call that-- (''starts making gagging and choking noises'') sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, &quot;earthquake&quot;.
:'''Homer''': Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!

===''[[w:Pygmoelian|Pygmoelian]]''===
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?
:'''[[w:Carl Carlson|Carl]]''': Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? ''(Lenny gasps)'' Is Barney that drunk? ''(Barney gasps)'' Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? ''(Homer gasps)''
:'''Moe''': Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! ''(He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)''
:'''Carl''': ''(to the audience)'' See, this is why I don't talk much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Moe''': I've been called &quot;Ugly,&quot; &quot;Pug Ugly,&quot; &quot;Fugly,&quot; &quot;Pug Fugly.&quot; But never &quot;Ugly-Ugly!&quot;
:'''Homer''': Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gay Republican #1''': What we need is a symbol that says, &quot;We're gay ''and'' Republican!''
:''(Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.)
:'''Gay Republican #2''': A little on-the-nose, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''[reading from a sticker]'' A gay president for ''2084''?
:'''Gay Republican''': We're realistic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''[[w:Moe Syzlak|Moe]]''': Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
:'''[[w:Moe Syzlak|Moe]]''': Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. (''Flashback.'') It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, &quot;It Never Ends&quot;. (''Reads a script.'') 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'
:'''Producer''': Thank you, next! What were you thinking?
:'''Casting Director''': Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.
:'''Producer''': I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days)''
:'''Titania''': Ew! ''(to Duffman)'' You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
:'''Duffman''': Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Duffman''': [with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Producer''': You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
:'''Moe''': Whaa?
:'''Producer''': [holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
:'''Moe''': I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
:'''Producer''': No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

===''[[w:Bart to the Future|Bart to the Future]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer Simpson]]''': Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart Simpson]]''': Don't you mean &quot;present?&quot;
:'''Homer Simpson''': Right, right. Present.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge Simpson]]''': So, how was everyone's day?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa Simpson]]''': Appointed a [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] justice.
:'''Bart Simpson''': ''[[Bewitched]]'' [[w:television marathon|marathon]].
:'''Homer Simpson''': Searched for [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln's gold]].
:'''Lisa Simpson''': Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.
:'''Homer Simpson''': Then what is his ghost protecting?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Milhouse?
:'''Milhouse''' ''[shows a chart]'': We're broke.
:'''Lisa''': '''''The country is broke'''''? How can ''that'' be?
:'''Milhouse''': Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? ''Big'' mistake.
:'''President Lisa's Aide''': The balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra-strong super-criminals.
:'''Milhouse''': And midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep.

===''[[w:Days of Wine and D'oh'ses|Days of Wine and D'oh'ses]]''===
:''(as Homer and Bart are &quot;celebrating&quot; Trash Night)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Dad, that's a sports bra.
:'''Homer''': All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': [As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]
:'''Homer''': Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki![The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do '''that'''?
:'''Ned''': Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-
:'''Homer''': Irregardless! I am '''your god''' now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!
:'''Marge''': Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
:'''Homer''': [shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki![dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kent''': Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, &quot;Fireball and Mudflap.&quot; I caught up with Burt on the set.
:'''Kent''': So, Burt, tell us a little about &quot;Fireball and Mudflap.&quot;
:'''Reynolds''': I play Jerry &quot;Fireball&quot; Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's... garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Barney!
:''[Homer picks up the payphone]''
:'''Homer''': The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': You did it, Dad!
:'''Homer''': [drunk] You can't prove I did it.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': No, you saved our lives.
:'''Homer''': I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

===''[[w:Kill the Alligator and Run|Kill the Alligator and Run]]''===
:'''Doctor''': What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest [[w:Florida|Florida]].
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Florida? But that's America's [[w:Human Penis|wang]]!
:'''Doctor''': They prefer, &quot;The Sunshine State.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Simpsons are driving to Florida]''
:'''Lisa''': Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!
:'''Bart''': Mom! Lisa's growing!
:'''Marge''': Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.
:'''Homer''': ''[Holding a pennant that says &quot;Mental&quot;]'' My pockets hurt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.
:'''Homer''': ''(threateningly)'' It'll be real soon enough!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[to Homer for his actions]'' This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost... no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault!
:'''Homer''': I Love being Married.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': [[w:Arizona|Arizona]] smells funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Simpsons are put on trial for evading the police and murdering Captain Jack the alligator)''
:'''Homer''': Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. ''(clears throat and turns to the left)'': Drunken hicks of the jury...
:''(cut to a jury box filled with offended rednecks gasping. One drinks from a bottle of beer)''

===''[[w:Last Tap Dance in Springfield|Last Tap Dance in Springfield]]''===
:''(while at Eye Caramba)''
:'''Homer''': &quot;I…8…P P?&quot; (sees Bart writing then turns red in anger and strangles him) Why you little…!
:'''Eye Doctor''': Better, or worse?
:'''Homer''': Worse!
:'''Eye Doctor''': Better, or worse?
:'''Homer''': ''[still in different voice]'' Much better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Marge and Lisa leave the theater after the end of ''Tango De La Muerte'')''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!
:'''Marge''': That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. ''[looks around]'' Where ''is'' he, anyway?
:''[cut to Homer, whose eyes have crusted over from not taking his eye drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat]''
:'''Kearney''': ''[doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge]'' Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.
:'''Homer''': Yes, dear.
:''[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a high-five]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ralph''': Teacher, my shoes are making noise!
:'''Vicki''': You must be Ralph.
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': My daddy shoots people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': [Upon having set up a human sized mouse trap, wherein an anvil is attached with a rope to it.] We’ll catch that mall rat.
:'''Lou''': Sure hope this Acme kit works.
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.
:'''Lou''': I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one.
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Police Chief Wiggum]]''': I like those odds! [ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vicki Valentine''': I'm sorry but treating people like equals when they most clearly aren't is called &lt;i&gt;what&lt;/i&gt; kids?
:'''Children''': Communism.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vicki Valentine''': Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[despite that Lisa is not in stage anymore]'' Where is Lisa?
:'''Homer''': ''[anxiously]'' This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

===''[[w:It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge|It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge]]''===
:'''Squeaky-Voiced Teen''': And God said, &quot;Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': ''[as he eats dinner]'' This tastes better than God's sweat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ice Cream Store Clerk''': ''[after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes]'' I can only see a horrible rainbow!

===''[[w:Behind the Laughter|Behind the Laughter]]''===
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
:''[Camera cuts to Homer]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? ''[pause]'' What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer Simpson''': Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': ''[After scenes are shown from the first pilot]'' Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.
:''[Camera cuts to Homer]''
:'''Homer''': Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rehearsal footage from shooting a Simpsons episode]''
:'''Homer''': Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!
:'''Bart''': Cowabunga, dude!
:'''Director''': And cut!
:'''Bart''': Dad, I've never said &quot;cowabunga&quot; in my life! Your script sucks!
:'''Homer''': ''[turns his face red in anger]'' Why you little...! ''[starts strangling Bart]''
:'''Director''': Hey, that's funny!
:''[Homer and Bart pause for a moment, then continue with some fake strangling, camera cuts to Homer being interviewed for the program]''
:'''Homer''': And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing money all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!
:'''Carl''': Hey, did we ever get that money?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': I wanna set the record straight. I ''thought'' the ''cop'' was a ''prostitute''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, but now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered by Satan.

&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, Season 11}}
[[Category:The Simpsons seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>John Nance Garner</title>
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        <ip>85.74.107.73</ip>
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      <comment>Added a quote attributed to him in Forbes from 1980</comment>
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'''[[w:John Nance Garner|John Nance &quot;Cactus Jack&quot; Garner]]''' ([[November 22]], [[1868]] – [[November 7]], [[1967]]) was a [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. representative]] from [[w:Texas|Texas]], the thirty-second [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president of the United States]] and the forty-fourth [[w:Speaker of the United States House of Representatives|speaker of the United States House of Representatives]].

== Quotes ==
* Not worth a bucket of warm piss.
** Comment to [[Lyndon B. Johnson]] on the vice presidency, widely attributed to Garner as [http://books.google.com/books?id=q4zpAAAAMAAJ early as 1964]. For many years, this quote was bowdlerized(censored) as &quot;warm spit.&quot; [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-vice-presidents-that-history-forgot-137851151/]

* Worst damnfool mistake I ever made was letting myself be elected Vice President of the United States. Should have stuck with my old chores as Speaker of the House. I gave up the second most important job in the Government for one that didn't amount to a hill of beans. I spent eight long years as Mr. Roosevelt's spare tire. I might still be Speaker if I didn't let them elect me Vice-President.
** Comment shortly after leaving office, on leaving his post as speaker of the United States House of Representative to become the vice president, quoted by Frank X. Tolbert, &quot;What is Cactus Jack Up to Now,&quot; ''Saturday Evening Post'' (November 2, 1963) and recounted in Alden Whitman's obituary [https://www.nytimes.com/1967/11/08/archives/john-nance-garner-98-is-dead-vice-president-under-roosevelt-john.html] of Garner in the ''New York Times'' (November 8, 1967).

* You have to do a little bragging on yourself even to your relatives—man just doesn’t get anywhere without advertising.
** Attributed in Forbes, August 18, 1980(Volume 126, Number 4) [https://archive.org/details/sim_forbes_1980-08-18_126_4][https://www.google.com/books/edition/Forbes/7iK8AAAAIAAJ]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons cat|John Garner}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garner, John Nance}}
[[Category:People from Texas]]
[[Category:1868 births]]
[[Category:1967 deaths]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1940]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1932]]
[[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Speakers of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:Methodists from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 1</title>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Welcome to the Hellmouth */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 1|1]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 2|2]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 3|3]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 4|4]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 5|5]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 6|6]] [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 7|7]] | [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer|'''Main''']]
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{wikipedia|List of Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes#Season 1 (1997)}}
'''''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''''' (1997–2003), created by [[Joss Whedon]], was a television series about [[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy Summers]], a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her [[w:Watcher (Buffyverse)|Watcher]] and her loyal circle of misfit friends. Season 1 aired on [[w:The WB|The WB]] in 1997.
&lt;/noinclude&gt;


===''[[w:Welcome to the Hellmouth (Buffy episode)|Welcome to the Hellmouth]]''===
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': Can I have you? Uh... ''[chuckles]'' Can I have you?
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': Uh, thanks.
:'''Xander''': I don't know you, do I?
:'''Buffy''': I'm Buffy. I'm new.
:'''Xander''': Xander. Is-is me. Hi.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, thanks.
:'''Xander''': Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we both... go there.
:'''Buffy''': Great. It was nice to meet you. ''[walks away]''
:'''Xander''': We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. Oh. Hey! Hey! You forgot your... stake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': Okay, what's the sitch?
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': Sorry?
:'''Buffy''': You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?
:'''Giles''': Yes.
:'''Buffy''': 'Cause it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, &quot;Ooh&quot;?
:'''Giles''': I was afraid of this.
:'''Buffy''': Well, I wasn't. It's my first day. I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.
:'''Giles''': Then why are you here?
:'''Buffy''': To tell you that, I don't care, which I don't, and have now told you, so... bye.
:'''Giles''': Is he-- will he rise again?
:'''Buffy''': Who?
:'''Giles''': The boy.
:'''Buffy''': No. He's just dead.
:'''Giles''': Can you be sure?
:'''Buffy''': ''[to Giles]'' To make you a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's like, a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?
:'''Giles''': You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.
:'''Buffy''': Why can't you people just leave me alone?
:'''Giles''': Because you are the Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength--
:'''Buffy''': The strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of the evil, blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?
:'''Giles''': I really don't understand this attitude. You-You've accepted your duty. You're slain vampires before?
:'''Buffy''': Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on.
:'''Giles''': What do you know about this town?
:'''Buffy''': It's 2 hours on the freeway from Neiman-Marcus.
:'''Giles''': Dig a bit in the history of this place, and you'll find a-a steady stream of fairly off occurrences. I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.
:'''Buffy''': Like vampires.
:'''Giles''': Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.
:'''Buffy''': What, you, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
:'''Giles''': Oh, w-well, yes.
:'''Buffy''': Did you get the free phone?
:'''Giles''': Um, the calendar.
:'''Buffy''': Cool. Wait. Okay. First of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know. Why don't you kill them?
:'''Giles''': I'm a Watcher. I-I haven't the skill.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, come on. Stake through the heart, a little sunlight, it's like falling off a log.
:'''Giles''': A slayer says, a watcher--
:'''Buffy''': Watches?
:'''Giles''': Yes, no. He... he trains her. He-he-he prepares her.
:'''Buffy''': Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead. Prepare me. ''[sigh]''
:'''Giles''': Damn.
:'''Xander''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': It's getting worse.
:'''Buffy''': What's getting worse?
:'''Giles''': The influx of the undead, the supernatural occurrences. It's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now.
:'''Buffy''': Because now is the time my mom moved here.
:'''Giles''': Something's coming. Something, something, something is-is gonna happen here. Soon.
:'''Buffy''': Gee, can you vague that up for me?
:'''Giles''': The signs, as far as I can tell, point to a crucial mystical upheaval very soon. Days. Possibly less.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, come on. This is Sunnydale. How bad an evil can there be here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': Hey!
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': Oh, hi. Hi.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, you're here with someone?
:'''Willow''': No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was going to show up.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, are you guys going out?
:'''Willow''': No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
:'''Buffy''': How come?
:'''Willow''': He stole my Barbie. Oh, we were five.
:'''Buffy''': Oh.
:'''Willow''': I-I don't actually date a whole lot... lately.
:'''Buffy''': Why not?
:'''Willow''': Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. 
:'''Buffy''': It's not that bad. 
:'''Willow''': No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. 
:'''Buffy''': You really haven't been dating lately.
:'''Willow''': It's probably easy for you.
:'''Buffy''': Yeah, real easy.
:'''Willow''': I-I mean, you don't seem too shy.
:'''Buffy''': Well, my philosophy, do you want to hear my philosophy?
:'''Willow''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Buffy''': Life is short.
:'''Willow''': Life is short.
:'''Buffy''': Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know, why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy and if he's going to laugh at you? Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.
:'''Willow''': Oh, that's nice.
:'''Buffy''': Um, I'll be back in a minute.
:'''Willow''': Oh, that's okay. You don't have to come back.
:'''Buffy''': I'll be back in a minute.
:'''Willow''': Seize the moment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': ''[about the mausoleum]'' Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!
:'''[[w:Darla (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Darla]]''': Who the hell are you?
:'''Buffy''': You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief! I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.
:'''Xander''': Buffy, we bail now, right?
:'''Thomas''': Not yet!
:'''Buffy''': Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like ''[[w:DeBarge|DeBarge]]''!
:''[The vampires close in on Buffy. She turns to Darla.]''
:'''Buffy''': Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.
:'''Darla''': That's fine with me!
:'''Buffy''': Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...

===''[[w:The Harvest (Buffy episode)|The Harvest]]''===
: '''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': For as long as there have been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': He loves doing this part.
:'''Giles''': Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master (Buffy)|The Master]]''': A Slayer... Have you any proof? 
:'''Luke''': Only that she fought me and yet lives. 
:'''The Master''': Very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened. 
:'''Luke''': 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': ''[To Willow]'' Well then help me in researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. ''[about a computer]'' It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. ''[everyone stares]'' That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
:'''Buffy''': Welcome to the New World.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
:'''Xander''': Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
:'''Willow''': We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': What exactly were you expecting?
:'''Xander''': I don't know. Something. I mean, the dead rose. We should have at least had an assembly.
:'''Giles''': People have a tendency to rationalize what they can and forget what they can't.
:'''Buffy''': Believe me, I've seen it happen.
:'''Willow''': Well, I'll never forget it. None of it.
:'''Giles''': Good. Next time you'll be prepared.
:'''Xander''': Next time?
:'''Willow''': Next time is why?
:'''Giles''': We prevented the master from freeing himself and opening the mouth of hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning.
:'''Willow''': More vampires?
:'''Giles''': Not just vampires. The next threat we face maybe something quite different.
:'''Buffy''': I can hardly wait.
:'''Giles''': We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the earth and it's total destruction.
:'''Buffy''': Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
:'''Xander''': Oh, yeah. That's a plan, 'cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
:'''Willow''': Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
:'''Buffy''': I was thinking of a more subtle approach, you know, like, excessive not studying.
:'''Giles''': ''[to himself as the others are walking away]'' The Earth is doomed.

===''[[w:Witch (Buffy episode)|Witch]]''===
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this... cult?
:''[Buffy is wearing a cheerleading outfit]''
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': You don’t like the color?
:'''Giles''': I don't... Do you, um... do you ignore everything I say, as-as a rule?
:'''Buffy''': No. I believe that's your trick. I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad.
:'''Giles''': You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pom poms at people. And as the Watcher, I forbid it.
:'''Buffy''': And you'll be stopping me how?
:'''Giles''': Well, I... By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.
:'''Buffy''': I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just... want to have a life. I want to do something normal. Something safe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willow''': You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Joyce Summers|Joyce]]''': Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. ''[finds her picture]'' Oh, look. There I am.
:'''Buffy''': Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
:'''Joyce''': This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?
:'''Buffy''': Well, it's really cool, but I gotta book.
:'''Joyce''': Well, I was thinking. I know the cheerleading thing didn't work out. Maybe you should think about joining the yearbook staff. I did it. It was a lot of fun.
:'''Buffy''': Not really my tip, Mom.
:'''Joyce''': I was photo editor. I got to be on every page. Made me look much more popular than I was.
:'''Buffy''': And have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them.
:'''Joyce''': Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook.
:'''Buffy''': Well, this just in: I'm not you. I'm into my own thing.
:'''Joyce''': Your own thing, whatever it is, got you kicked out of school, and he had to move here to find a decent school that would take you. Honey... Oh, great parenting form. A little shaky on the dismount.

===''[[w:Teacher's Pet (Buffy episode)|Teacher's Pet]]''===
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': God, every day here is the same.
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': Bright, sunny, beautiful. However can we escape this torment?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office... One assumes it is entirely legal?
:'''Buffy''': ''[in unison]'' Of course.
:'''Willow''': ''[in unison]'' Entirely.
:'''Giles''': Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Flutie''': You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
:'''Buffy''': Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him--
:'''Principal Flutie''': Don't say dead or decapitated or decomposing. I'd stay away from &quot;d&quot; words altogether, but you witnessed the event, so this way, please.
:'''Buffy''': Oh, no. I'm gonna be late for biology.
:'''Principal Flutie''': Extremely late. You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
:'''Buffy''': But I really don't--
:'''[[w:Principal Flutie (Buffyverse)|Principal Flutie]]''': We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another, we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug, because there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching.
:'''Buffy''': But I really, really--
:'''Principal Flutie''': No. You have to talk to a counselor and start to healing. You have to heal.
:'''Buffy''': But, Mr. Flutie, I d--
:'''Principal Flutie''': Heal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cordelia Chase|Cordelia]]''': I don't know what to say. It was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... Let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, 7.5 ounces, way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day, just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side, you know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

===''[[w:Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (Buffy episode)|Never Kill a Boy on the First Date]]''===
:'''[[w:The Master (Buffy)|The Master]]''': ''[reading from the writing of Aurelius]'' &quot;And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come, The Anointed, the Master's Great Warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into Hell.&quot; As it is written, so shall it be. &quot;Five will die, and from their ashes, The Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius, shall greet him, and usher him to his immortal destiny.&quot; As it is written, so shall it be. &quot;And one of the Brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate.&quot; Oh, wait. ''[grabs one of the Brethren by the throat]'' That's not written anywhere. The Anointed will be my greatest weapon against the Slayer. If you fail to bring him to me, if you allow that girl to stop you... ''[throws the vampire into a coffin]'' Here endeth the lesson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': ''[about Owen's book selection]'' Oh, [[Emily Dickinson]].
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': We're both fans.
:'''Giles''': Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...
:'''Buffy''': ''[defensively]'' A girl?
:'''Giles''': For an American.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''':  Buffy has a really important date.
:'''Buffy''': Owen!
:'''Giles''': All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in ''dinner and a show''.
:'''Buffy''': Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
:'''Buffy''': You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

===''[[w:The Pack (Buffy episode)|The Pack]]''===
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willow''': ''[to Xander]'' You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, &quot;Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?&quot; We've been through this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': Uh-huh.
:'''Giles''': And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
:'''Buffy''': Yes.
:'''Giles''': And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
:'''Buffy''': It's bad, isn't it?
:'''Giles''': It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While researching in the library]''
:'''Buffy''': Wow. Apparently, [[w:Noah|Noah]] rejected the [[w:hyena|hyenas]] from the [[w:Noah's Ark|Ark]] because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats.
:'''Willow''':  Hyenas aren't well liked.
:'''Buffy''': They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom.
:'''Willow''':  Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willow''': I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.
:'''Buffy''': Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.
:'''Xander''': Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?
:'''Buffy''': Right. 
:'''Willow''': You only ate the pig.
:'''Xander''': I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.
:'''Buffy''': Well, it wasn't really you.
:'''Xander''': Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.
:'''Willow''': You saved my life.
:'''Xander''': Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.
:'''Buffy''': This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.
:'''Xander''': I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?
:'''Buffy''': Nah.
:'''Willow''': Not at all.
:'''Buffy''': Come on, we're gonna be late.
:'''Willow''': See you at lunch.
:'''Xander''': Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?
:'''Giles''': I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.
:'''Xander''': ''(chuckles)'' Did you tell them that?
:'''Giles''': Your secret dies with me.
:'''Xander''': Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

===''[[w:Angel (Buffy episode)|Angel]]''===
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': ''[about Angel]'' So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's... not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? ''[Buffy looks away]'' You’re in ''love'' with a vampire?! What are you, outta your ''mind''?
:'''[[w:Cordelia Chase|Cordelia]]''': What?!?
:'''Xander''': ''[to Cordelia]'' Not 'vampire' ... ''[to Buffy]'' How could you love an ''umpire''? Everyone hates 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Come on. Don't go soft on me now. A little wide.
:'''Buffy''': Why? Why didn't you just attack me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then... I've killed a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before.
:'''Angel''': Feels good, doesn't it? Feels simple.
:'''Buffy''': I invited you into my home, and then you attacked my family. 
:'''Angel''': Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children. For 100 years, I offered an ugly death to everyone I met. And I did it with a song in my heart.
:'''Buffy''': What changed?
:'''Angel''': Fed on a girl about your age. Beautiful. Dumb as a post, but a favorite among her clan.
:'''Buffy''': Her clan?
:'''Angel''': The Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
:'''Buffy''': What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
:'''Angel''': When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone. No conscience, no remorse. It's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I'm done... and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.
:'''Buffy''': So you started with my mom?
:'''Angel''': I didn't bite her.
:'''Buffy''': Then why didn't you say something?
:'''Angel''': But I wanted to. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight.
:'''Buffy''': Go ahead. Not as easy as it looks.
:'''Darla''': Sure it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Darla (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Darla]]''': Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
:'''Buffy''': Bad hair on top of that outfit?
:'''Darla''': To love someone who used to love you.
:'''Buffy''': You guys were involved?
:'''Darla''': For several generations.
:'''Buffy''': Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
:'''Darla''': ''[about Angel]'' I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for 1,000 years. But you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick, and you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You don't think I came alone, do you?
:'''Buffy''': I know I didn't.
:'''Darla''': ''[chuckles]'' Scary. Scarier.

===''[[w:I, Robot... You, Jane (Buffy episode)|I, Robot... You, Jane]]''===
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
:'''[[w:Jenny Calendar|Jenny]]''': Did you ever leave?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenny''': You kids really dig the library, don't you?
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': We're literary.
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': To read makes our speaking English good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Xander''': Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?
:'''Buffy''': You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
:'''Giles''': Randomize traffic signals.
:'''Buffy''': Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
:'''Giles''': Destroy the world's economy.
:'''Buffy''': I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
:'''Giles''': ...Alright, yours was best.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[keyboard clacking and computer beeping]''
:'''Giles''': ''[clears throat]''
:'''Jenny''': Well, look who's here. Welcome to my world. You scared?
:'''Giles''': I'm remaining calm, thank you. I just wanted to, uh, return this. I found it among the new books and naturally, I though of you.
:'''Jenny''': Cool. Thanks.
:'''Giles''': Uh, well, I'll-I'll see you anon.
:'''Jenny''': Can't get out of here fast enough, can you?
:'''Giles''': Truthfully, I'm even less anxious to be around computers than I used to be.
:'''Jenny''': Well, it was your book that started all the trouble, not a computer.
:'''Giles''': ''[sighs]''
:'''Jenny''': Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much? 
:'''Giles''': The smell. 
:'''Jenny''': Computers don't smell, Rupert. 
:'''Giles''': I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a  whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is-is... it has no-no texture, no-no context. It's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible. It should be, um... smelly.
:'''Jenny''': Well, you really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you?
:'''Giles''': Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
:'''Jenny''': That's not where I dangle it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Xander''': We going to go to the Bronze tonight, we three?
:'''Buffy''': It'll be fun.
:'''Xander''': Yeah. Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?
:'''Willow''': Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...
:'''Buffy''': Malcolm?
:'''Willow''': Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
:'''Buffy''':  It doesn't say anything about you.
:'''Willow''': I mean, I thought I was really falling...
:'''Buffy''': Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
:'''Xander''': Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.
:'''Willow''': That's true.
:'''Xander''': Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.
:'''Buffy''': Let's face it. None of us are ever going to have a happy, normal relationship.
:'''Xander''': We're doomed.
:'''Willow''': Yeah.
:''[They laugh, but it quickly stops as they look uneasy]''

===''[[w:The Puppet Show (Buffy episode)|The Puppet Show]]''===
: '''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''[[w:Principal Snyder|Principal Snyder]]''': My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in ''my'' world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sid (the dummy)''': ''[about his present condition]'' Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I'm not me any more. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Marc has tricked Giles into getting into a craftily disguised guillotine.]''
: '''Giles''': Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
: '''Marc''': No, no this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just come pouring out.
: '''Giles''': What exactly is the trick?
: '''Marc''': What trick?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': What about the whole &quot;it's a demon&quot; theory?
:'''Giles''': I'm looking into that, but my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.
:'''Buffy''': Uh, priority check, Giles? ''(holding up her hands)'' Talent show, murder.
:'''Xander''': Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it!
:'''Giles''': Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on.
:'''Buffy''': This is so unfair.

===''[[w:Nightmares (Buffy episode)|Nightmares]]''===
:'''[[w:Joyce Summers|Joyce]]''': You want to go to school?
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': Sure! Why not?
:'''Joyce''': Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
:'''Buffy''': Little blasé there, aren't you?
:'''Xander''': I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
:'''Buffy''': Thanks for having confidence in me.
:'''Xander''': You da man, Buff!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Xander''': Our dreams are coming true?
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our--our nightmares are coming true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Master (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|The Master]]''': ''[to Buffy]'' What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buffy''': Glad you showed up. You see, I'm having a really bad day.
:'''Ugly Man''': Lucky 19.
:'''Buffy''': Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot of scarier thing than you. And I'm one of them.

===''[[w:Out of Mind, Out of Sight|Out of Mind, Out of Sight]]''===
:''[The class is discussing '[[w:The Merchant of Venice|The Merchant of Venice]]'.]''
:'''Ms. Miller''': But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': Well, everyone looked down on him.
:'''[[w:Cordelia Chase|Cordelia]]''': That is such a [[w:Twinkie defense|twinkie defense]]. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of ''my'' life, and she's trying to make it about ''her'' leg! Like ''my'' pain meant nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Principal Snyder|Principal Snyder]]''': There are no dead students here. This week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore.
:'''[[w:Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Angel]]''': Not for a long while.
:'''Giles''': Is that why you're here? To see her?
:'''Angel''': I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her.
:'''Giles''': A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a [[Wiktionary:maudlin#Noun|maudlin]] sort of way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Willow''': 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all.
:'''Giles''': Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generational gap. 
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': It's the kiss of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cordelia''': So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?
:'''Buffy''': That about sums it up.
:'''Cordelia''': Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely.
:'''Buffy''': Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?
:'''Cordelia''': Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
:'''Buffy''': Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
:'''Cordelia''': Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

===''[[w:Prophecy Girl (Buffy episode)|Prophecy Girl]]''===
:'''Buffy''': Giles, you're not gonna believe this.
:'''Giles''': It's clear, it's what's gonna happen. It's happening now.
:'''Buffy''': Angel?
:'''Angel''': It can't be. You've-you've gotta be wrong.
:'''Giles''': I've checked it against all my other volumes. It's very real.
:'''[[w:Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Angel]]''': ''[about the prophecy]'' Well, there's gotta be some way around it. 
:'''[[w:Rupert Giles|Giles]]''': Listen, some prophecies are a bit [[Wiktionary:dodgy#Adjective|dodgy]]. They're-they're [[Wiktionary:mutable#English|mutable]]. Buffy herself has-has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass. 
:'''Angel''': Then you're reading it wrong. 
:'''Giles''': I wish to God I were, but it's very plain. Tomorrow night, Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Well, have you verified the text?
:'''[[w:Buffy Summers|Buffy]]''': ''[laughing and about the prophecy in which she will die]'' So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one's called. Wonder who she is? Will you train her... or will they send someone else? 
:'''Giles''': Buffy, I... 
:'''Buffy''': ''[whimpering]'' Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? ''[as Angel steps close to her]'' Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me? 
:'''Giles''': I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it.
:'''Buffy''': I've got a way around it. I quit.
:'''Angel''': It's not that simple.
:'''Buffy''': I'm making it that simple. I quit. I resign, I-I'm fired. You can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over.
:'''Giles''': I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...
:'''Buffy''': ''[enraged, throwing books at Giles]'' The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful, sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!
:'''Giles''': No, I don't suppose I am.
:'''[[w:Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)|Angel]]''': I know this is hard.
:'''Buffy''': What do you know about this? You're never gonna die.
:'''Angel''': You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
:'''Buffy''': I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
:'''Giles''': Buffy, if the Master rises...
:'''Buffy''': I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm 16 years old. I... I don't wanna die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world.
:'''Buffy''': I don't think it's yours just yet.
:'''The Master''': You're dead.
:'''Buffy''': I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
:'''The Master''': You were destined to die. It was written.
:'''Buffy''': What can I say? I flunked the written.
:'''The Master''': Come here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': Where are your jibes now? Will you laugh when my Hell is on Earth?
:'''Buffy''': You're that amped about Hell? Go there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giles''': The vampires?
:'''Cordelia''': Gone.
:'''Angel''': The Master?
:'''Giles''': Dead. The Hellmouth is closed. Buffy? Buffy?
:'''Buffy''': Um, sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.
:'''[[w:Xander Harris|Xander]]''': Yeah. Buffy died and everything.
:'''[[w:Willow Rosenberg|Willow]]''': Wow. Harsh.
:'''Giles''': I should've known that wouldn't stop you.
:'''Jenny''': Well, what do we do now?
:'''Giles''': I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore.
:'''Xander''': Hey, I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun.
:'''Cordelia''': Yeah.
:'''Willow''': Buffy?
:'''Buffy''': Sure. We saved the world. I say we party. I mean, I got all pretty.
:'''Jenny''': What about him?
:'''Buffy''': He's not going anywhere. Loser.
:'''Giles''': I'm not dancing, though.
:'''Jenny''': We'll see. You can come with us, though.
:'''Xander''': So, what's the story with the car?
:'''Cordelia''': Oh, that was me.
:'''Buffy''': I'm really, really hungry. 
:'''Willow''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Angel''': By the way, I really like your dress.
:'''Buffy''': Yeah, yeah. It's a big hit with everyone.

&lt;noinclude&gt;
[[Category:Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    <title>Kobe Bryant</title>
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      <comment>Restored revision 3565125 by [[Special:Contributions/UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal)</comment>
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      <text bytes="6879" sha1="kyqni6cxdxuqfwe5bv6iyte7oa5wfm4" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kobe Bryant 2015.jpg|thumb|As I became more [[experienced]] I realized: No matter what, [[people]] are going to like you or not like you. So be authentic, and let them like you or not for who you actually are.]] 
'''[[w:Kobe Bryant|Kobe Bean Bryant]]''' ([[23 August]] [[1978]] - [[26 January]] [[2020]]) was an American basketball player who played his entire 20-year professional career with the [[w:Los Angeles Lakers|Los Angeles Lakers]] of the National Basketball Association (NBA). Bryant was an 18-time All-Star, 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, 12-time member of the All-Defensive team and was the NBA's Most Valuable Player (MVP) in 2008. Widely regarded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time, he led the NBA in scoring during two seasons, ranks fourth on the league's all-time regular season scoring and fourth on the all-time postseason scoring list. He died in a helicopter crash outside of Calabasas, California, at the age of 41.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Kobe Bryant Washington Full Retouched Crop.jpg|thumb|right|What I'm doing right now, I'm chasing perfection.]]

* When I was young, my mindset was [[Appearance|image, image, image]]. I took that approach with the media. As I became more [[experienced]] I realized: No matter what, [[people]] are going to like you or not like you. So be authentic, and let them like you or not for who you actually are. At that point, I started keeping all of my answers blunt and [[Honest|straightforward]]. I would mix in some [[humor]] and [[sarcasm]], too. I think fans and reporters came to appreciate that, came to appreciate the [[real]] me.
** ''The Mamba Mentality : How I Play'' (2018), &quot;KEEP IT REAL.&quot;

* Get over yourself! 'Cause it's not about you, man. Like, okay, you feel embarrassed. You are not that important! Get over yourself! Right, like you are worried about how people may perceive you, and like you are walking around and it's embarrassing because you shot five air balls... Get over yourself. 
** interview with Patrick Bet-David, 23 August 2019, posted on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9GvDekiJ9c&amp;t=1215 YouTube].

* I can’t believe how fast 20 years went by. I mean, this is crazy… To be standing here, standing on the court with my teammates behind me, and appreciate this journey that we’ve been along… I grew up a die heart—I mean it—a die heart Laker fan. Die heart. I mean, I knew everything about every players’ that had played here. So, to be drafted, and then traded to this organization, and to spend 20 years here, I mean, you can’t write something better than this… The thing that had me crackin’ me up all night long was, in fact, I go though 20 years of everybody screaming, ‘pass the ball!’ and I was like, ‘No passing!’ (laugh)… (I also have to thank) my family: my wife, Vanessa, my daughters, Natalia and Gianna. Thank you guys for your sacrifice… What can I say? Mamba Out!
** A speech after Bryant's last game, 13 April 2016, posted on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eg0mxPXIpLY&amp;t=5s YouTube].

==Quotes about Bryant==
* I give him all the respect in the world. He is the No. 1 player in the league, by far. It’s like that. With a player like him, he just wants that challenge. He’s just that fierce competitor. He doesn’t want to get out-showed. He’s the one who everybody’s afraid of.
** [[w:Gilbert Arenas|Gilbert Arenas]], as quoted in [http://www.gilbertology.net/2006/12/20/gilbert-arenas-on-kobe-bryants-comments/ gilbertology.net] 

*Only God can stop Kobe Bryant.
** [[w:Charles Barkley|Charles Barkley]], as quoted in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4fmvnI08tQ youtube.com] 

* To me he is the best player in the world right now. That guy doesn't know fear at all. He doesn't care. He would have won it &lt;br/&gt; &quot;Obviously Kobe is an unbelievable player. He can explode for 50 points at any given time. There's nothing we can do about that, and we're just going to have to deal with that. You're never going to stop Kobe. He's just too good. You just have to make him work for what he gets. Kobe is the greatest player I have ever seen at what he does.
** [[w:Mike D'Antoni|Mike D'Antoni]], as quoted in [http://www.insidehoops.com/forum/showthread.php?p=746436 insidehoops.com/forum] 

* You can set the bar at seven and a half feet and tell them nobody has every jumped that before. And they say, 'I can do it.' And they'll go out and try.
** [[w:Phil Jackson|Phil Jackson]], as quoted in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hO8PQTjFU youtube.com]

* He's definitely the best player in the NBA — to me. I don't know if winning the (MVP) award is important to him or not. But he has three [championship] rings and that's what it's all about.
** [[w:LeBron James|LeBron James]], as quoted in [http://lakers.topbuzz.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&amp;file=viewtopic&amp;t=1498&amp;highlight= lakers.topbuzz.com] 

* I've been quoted in the past and I will continue to be quoted; I think he's the best player in our league right now.
** [[w:LeBron James|LeBron James]], as quoted in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSsi2NayD6o&amp;feature=PlayList&amp;p=D9B5F0ED995B2E97&amp;index=58 youtube.com] 

* He's an unbelievable player. He's God's gift, something that's going to flash before our eyes and I don't think it's ever going to happen again. The only person I can think about he's catching up with is Michael Jordan.
** [[w:Rashard Lewis|Rashard Lewis]], as quoted in [http://www.seattlepi.nwsource.com/basketball/311785_sonx16.html seattlepi.nwsource]

*[[w:Kobe Bryant|Kobe Bryant]] is the dirtiest player with the things he does on the court... But without a doubt he is a beast. He was amazing.
**[[Darko Miličić]], as quoted in [https://hoopshype.com/storyline/whatever-happened-to-darko-milicic/ &quot;Storyline: Whatever Happened to Darko Milicic&quot;] (21 March 2016), ''HoopsHype''

* I think Kobe Bryant should be at the top of the (MVP) list. His game is unstoppable.
** [[w:Amare Stoudemire|Amare Stoudemire]], as quoted in [http://lakers.topbuzz.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&amp;file=viewtopic&amp;t=1423&amp;highlight= lakers.topbuzz.com]

*Give you ice, like Kobe right? We sorta like Goldie right? The way, we mode 'em right? I could make you a celebrity overnight.
**[[w:Twista|Twista]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3JmMF6dGGk &quot;Overnight Celebrity&quot;], ''Kamikaze''

* When Kobe Bryant died, a piece of me died.
**[[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]], posted on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SEiGEbxv5M YouTube].

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*{{official website}}
*{{IMDb name|1101483}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bryant, Kobe}}
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:2020 deaths]]
[[Category:Basketball players from the United States]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Catholics from the United States]]
[[Category:People from Philadelphia]]
[[Category:Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame inductees]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Are We There Yet? (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="8876" sha1="2c2879hadhuv33fy09xcvik5scgpylo" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Are We There Yet? (film)|Are We There Yet?]]''''' is a 2005 [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] starring [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]] about a bachelor who develops a crush on a divorced mother-of-two. In an attempt to win her over, he agrees to drive her two children across the country, but encounter a few obstacles along the way. The film was released January 21, 2005 in United States.
:''Directed by [[w:Brian Levant|Brian Levant]]. Written by Steven Gary Banks and Claudia Grazioso .'' 
{{center|'''24 hours. 350 miles. His girlfriend's kids. What could possibly go wrong? '''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Kid:''' Hey, mister, you got any '''[[w:Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters|Yu-Gi-Oh]]'''?
:'''Nick:''' What you think?
:'''Kid:''' Got any '''[[w:Dragon Ball GT|Dragon Ball GT]]'''?
:'''Nick:''' Look, you come in here every day, askin' the same questions. We ain't got no '''[[w:Pokémon: Advanced Challenge|Pokémon]]''', no '''[[w:Digimon Frontier|Digimon]]''', no '''[[w:Buffy the Vampire Slayer|Buffy]]''', no '''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]''', no '''[[w:Beanie Babies|Beanie Babies]]''', ''[spots a kid about to steal a trading card, so Nick throws a football at him]'' and no '''[[w:Shoplifting|shoplifters]]'''! Now, get! Both of y'all! Get!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kevin opens the car door into a pole, causing the yellow paint to stain on it]''
:'''Nick:''' Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said
:'''Nick:''' You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!
:'''Lindsey:''' That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.
:'''Nick:''' ''(to Kevin)'' Yeah, well, he's got to put about $400 in my pocket. You got $400 for me?!
:'''Kevin:''' No!
:'''Nick:''' And I want it cash!
:''[Kevin starts crying]''
:'''Nick:''' Okay Man, No Tears, I Won't Change Diapers Out Here

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin:''' I have to pee.
:'''Nick:''' What?! No, no, no, you do not have to pee! Didn't you just go back at the train station?
:'''Kevin:''' I tried to go, but there was a man standing next to me, so it just went away.
:'''Nick:''' But look, man, all this open road. You can hold it, I know you can. Just cross your legs.
:''[Kevin does so]''
:'''Lindsey:''' You should've asked him to go before we left.
:'''Nick:''' I ''did!''
:'''Lindsey:''' No, you asked before we got on the train, not before we left the station. You're supposed to ask before every segment. Everyone knows that.
:'''Nick:''' Evidently not.
:'''Kevin:''' I'm not gonna make it. Do you have a bottle?
:'''Nick:''' No!
:'''Kevin:''' How 'bout this ashtray?
:'''Nick:''' Kevin, there's no receptacle in this vehicle. Now, look, the exit's about a mile away, and you can hold it.
:'''Kevin:''' How far is a mile?
:'''Nick:''' I don't know, 5,000 and some kinda feet. Think about something else; football, a math test, uh, puberty.
:'''Kevin:''' Are we there yet?
:'''Nick:''' No!
:'''Lindsey:''' I'm sure the carpet's absorbent.
:'''Kevin:''' Here it comes!
:'''Satchel:''' For God sakes, man, he's gonna make his water in your car!
:'''Nick:''' No, he ain't. ''[speeds into truck stop]'' Incoming, incoming, incoming! Aaaah! Hold it, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nick:''' Here we go, here we go!
:''[Nick kicks open the dirty toilet hut door]''
:'''Kevin and Nick:''' Ew!!
:''[Nick runs into ladies' room.]''
:'''Nick''': In here, in here, hold it, hold it.
:''[Kevin slams the toilet hut door]''
:'''Woman''': ''[freaks out]'' This is taken!
:'''Nick''': I'm sorry!
:'''Kevin''': Oh, no. It's dribbling out.
:'''Nick''': OK, go, go. Just go. Let it go. (Kevin pees in the sink)
:'''Woman''': That's disgusting!
:'''Nick''': Hey! Wait a minute, lady! Hold up. You're ruining my clothes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lindsey:''' I knew you were lying. &quot;Yeah, we're just friends.&quot; Yeah, right. You're just usin' us to suck up to our Mama.
:'''Nick:''' What?!
:'''Kevin:''' Yeah, you're just a dirty, horny sex-man like all the others. Nasty man, you're a nasty, bad man!
:'''Nick:''' Look, I tried to do your Mama a favor, you little booger!
:'''Kevin:''' You probably wanna kiss her, don't 'cha? ''[he makes a face on the window]''
:'''Nick:''' Hey, off the glass! Off the glass! ''[to Lindsey]'' And you, open this door.
:'''Lindsey:''' You forgot the magic word.
:'''Nick:''' Open this damn door!
:'''Kevin:''' Ooh, you just swore again! Lindsey, he just swore again!
:'''Nick:''' So what? Hey, I'm not playin' with you.
:'''Lindsey:''' You can't make us do anything.
:'''Nick:''' Hey! This is my car! You hear me, little girl?! This is my car!
:''[Lindsey is getting ready to put the car into acceleration]''
:'''Nick:''' Uh uh! You better not! Look at me, I'm serious! I'm not playin' with you, little girl, okay? Now, if you don't open that door before I count to three, somebody gonna get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lindsey:''' What was Mom thinking?
:'''Kevin:''' I don't know, I like him. He's kinda funny.
:'''Lindsey:''' Hey, don't get soft! This guy is not our daddy. He's the enemy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nick''': Look, man. All I need is four rims and four tires. And I'm gone. I'm out of here. You gotta help me.
:'''Car Mechanic''': No, I cannot do it. I told you already, your SUV is too big. You no listen.
:'''Nick''': Well, use smaller ones.
:'''Car Mechanic''': Smaller? Okay, I put on the smaller tire for you.
:'''Nick''': Good.
:'''Car Mechanic''': And you come back Tuesday.
:'''Nick''': What?!
:'''Car Mechanic''': Today is New Year's Eve. Time for me to go home. Thank you, bye-bye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Car Mechanic''': I have to go home. It's New Year's Eve, Dick Clark.
:'''Nick''': Look, let me just pay you extra.
:'''Car Mechanic''': No, no, no, no, and no.
:'''Nick''': I can make you worth for a while. See what I got. ''[pulls out a card]'' Yao Ming, rookie card.
:'''Car Mechanic''': Oh, I see. So you think that just because I am Chinese, you can get me to do anything... ''[Nick shines the rookie card]'' Ooh! Hologram.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nick''': Quiet down, there. Have patience.
:'''Kevin and Lindsey''': ''[make alarm blaring noises]'' Turn if off, Nick! Hurry! Hurry!
:'''Nick''': All right, calm down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nick''': Oh, man! I never ever ''got to read the manual''! ''[sees the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently]'' Hit the dirt!
:''[Nick and the kids leap away from the car, as it explodes and goes into flames]''
:'''Nick:''' No! This is about a year's pay. What did I do... What did I do to deserve this!? Why is this happening to me?! ''[behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, to Kevin and Lindsey]'' It was you two! If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons, this wouldn't have never happened, and I'd still have my car! ''[Kevin and Lindsey start crying]'' Go ahead and cry, I don't care., ''[Nick Becomes Ashamed]'' Okay, all right, stop the waterworks. Oh, all right. Oh, come on, come on. ''[Hugs Kevin and Lindsey]'' Stop crying. Stop crying. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. No, no. I just got a little upset, okay? That's why you buy insurance. All right, let's sit down. Sit down. ''[Nick, Kevin and Lindsey Sits Down]'' Come on, now. Right here, right here. It's only a car, okay?
:'''Kevin''': We are a lot of trouble. That's why our daddy doesn't wanna be with us.
:'''Nick''': Look at me. ''[Kevin Looks at Nick]'' Don't say that. That's not true.
:'''Lindsey''': But we destroyed your Navigator
:'''Nick''': That? Oh, that's nothing. That's just a material object. It means nothing. I wouldn't wanna spend New Year's with us either.

==Taglines==
* 24 hours. 350 miles. His girlfriend's kids. What could possibly go wrong? 
* Coming soon... by plane, by train, by car. 
* To win over their mother, he's driving them across country. What could possibly go wrong?

==Cast==
* [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]] as Nicholas &quot;Nick&quot; Persons
* [[w:Nia Long|Nia Long]] as Suzanne Kingston
* [[w:Aleisha Allen|Aleisha Allen]] as Lindsey Kingston
* [[w:Philip Daniel Bolden|Philip Daniel Bolden]] as Kevin Kingston
* [[w:Jay Mohr|Jay Mohr]] as Marty
* [[w:M. C. Gainey|M. C. Gainey]] as Al Buck (known as &quot;Big Al&quot;)
* [[w:Tracy Morgan|Tracy Morgan]] as [[Satchel Paige|Satchel Page Bobblehead]] (voice)
** [[w:David Barclay (puppeteer)|David Barclay]] as [[Satchel Paige|Satchel Page Bobblehead]] (puppeteer)
* [[w:C. Ernst Harth|C. Ernst Harth]] as Ernst
* [[Nichelle Nichols]] as Miss Mable
* [[w:Sean Millington|Sean Millington]] as Frank Kingston
* [[w:Henry Simmons|Henry Simmons]] as Carl

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0368578|title=Are We There Yet?}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=are_we_there_yet|title=Are We There Yet?}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Are We There Yet?}}
[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Road comedy films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Simpsons/Season 12</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>46614</id>
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        <ip>2601:41:C201:AF20:B1BB:FF6F:38A5:A265</ip>
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      <comment>/* Lisa the Tree Hugger */</comment>
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      <text bytes="34508" sha1="8qf9horu7yfictk1g3jmtmwqoccl8cq" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Simpsons''/Season 12}}
{{The Simpsons header}}
'''''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''''' (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by [[Matt Groening]]. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror XI|Treehouse of Horror XI]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]:''' Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!
:'''St. Peter''': ''[reading a newspaper]'' Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
:'''Homer''': Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!
:'''St. Peter''': No, you're thinking of [[Santa Claus]].
:'''Homer''': Well, I'll be damned.
:'''St. Peter''': I'm afraid so, yes. ''[pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer is sent to hell, he sees the Devil standing behind him]''
:'''Homer''': I am Homer Simpson--
:'''Devil''': '''''Silence, sinner!''' Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!''
:'''Homer''': (as the Devil advances on him) Oh no...! ''(Devil starts giving Homer a noogie)''
:'''Devil''': Ha-ha! ''(continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain)'' Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up [[John Wayne]].
:'''[[John Wayne]]''': ''[appearing from a nearby cave]'' I'm already up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dolphin''': Your majesty! You're free at last!
:'''Snorky''': They made me do tricks like a common seal!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snorky''': Arr, I'm the Sea Captain. Arr. (both laughing)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lenny''': ''[Takes a drink while swimming at night]'' Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snorky''': (in high child's voice) Snorky speak man... (coughs, deep voice) I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
:'''Moe''': What did he say!
:'''Carl''': He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.
:'''Moe''': [surprised] What?
:'''Snorky''': Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.
:'''Marge''': But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...
:'''Snorky''': We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.
:'''Lisa''': Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
:'''Snorky''': [gasps] That was you?
:'''Homer''': It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!
:'''Snorky''': I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!
:'''Crowd''': Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]
:'''Moe''': I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

===''[[w:A Tale of Two Springfields|A Tale of Two Springfields]]''===
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Homer stole our [[w:rock music|rock performers]]! That [[w:Pinball Wizard|fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball]].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that [[w:badger|badger]] out.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Well, according to [http://www.whatbadgerseat.com whatbadgerseat.com], badgers subsist primarily on a diet of [[w:stoat|stoats]],  [[w:vole|voles]], and [[w:marmot|marmots]].
:'''Bart''': [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...
:'''Lisa''': Stoats are [[w:weasel|weasels]], Bart. They don't come in cans.
:'''Bart''': Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]
:'''Lisa''': That says [[w:maize|corn]], Bart.
:'''Bart''': Must you embarrass me?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer tries to call Animal Control but gets a special information tone]''
:'''Recording''': Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
:'''Homer''': Area code? But it's a local call!
:'''Marge''': The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.
:'''Homer''': 9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!
:'''Marge''': Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
:'''Homer''': Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': ''[about &quot;New Springfield&quot;]'' Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like &quot;oh yeah?&quot; and &quot;come here a minute!&quot;
:'''Homer''': Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.
:'''Bart''': ''You'' come here a minute!
:'''Homer''': Oh yeah?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Homer looks at his hand which reads Lenny = white, Carl = black)''
:'''Homer''': ''(confused)'' Is that right?

===''[[w:Insane Clown Poppy|Insane Clown Poppy]]''===
:'''Marge''': So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
:'''[[Stephen King]]''': Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
:'''Marge''': Oh, that's too bad.
:'''King''': I'm working on a biography of [[Benjamin Franklin]]. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, ''(menacingly, as dark clouds gather)'' and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? ''(thunderclap)'' IT OPENED THE GATES OF ''HELL!''
:'''Marge''': Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
:'''King''': ''(cheerfully)'' Will do! ''(Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading &quot;[[w:Goodnight Moon|Goodnight Moon]]&quot;.
:'''[[Christopher Walken]]''': &quot;Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping ''over the moon.''&quot; ''(children listening slowly back away terrified)'' Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
:'''Homer''': Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. ''(to God)'' So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? ''(family stares at him in shock)'' Amen. ''(starts eating)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Fat Tony, Krusty, Moe, Snake and Homer are playing poker at Fat Tony's hideout)''
:'''Krusty''': My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the &quot;got your nose&quot; bit on her -- didn't fool her for a second.
:'''Homer''': My uncle still has my nose.
:'''Krusty''': ''(tries to contain his excitement at having four aces with a king kicker; but his bowtie spins)'' Oh, what a lousy hand! I'll stand.
:'''Fat Tony''': I raise two Gs.
:'''Moe''': I'm out.
:'''Snake''': Fold-o-rama.
:'''Homer''': Can we make this hand high-low?
:'''Fat Tony''': No.
:'''Homer''': I fold.
:'''Fat Tony''': Krusty, are you in, or are you out?
:'''Krusty''': Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
:'''Fat Tony''': You mean ... this one? ''(pulls up his sleeve to show the watch)''
:'''Krusty''': Oh yeah, right. Just let me go to my car. ''(leaves)''
:''(Homer starts singing owimoweh from &quot;The Lion Sleeps Tonight&quot;)''
:'''Fat Tony''': Don't do that.
:''(Krusty searches his car for valuables; he tries to pry out his car stereo with a crowbar, but sets off the car alarm, deploying the airbag and knocking him into the back seat)''
:'''Krusty''': ''(groaning)'' The best hand of my life and I can't even - ''(noticing an object in the back seat)'' Sophie's violin. Oh no, I couldn't!
:''(The four aces in his head sing to him, reminding Krusty that Sophie won't find out about it)''
:''(Back at the game, a jewelry appraiser inspects the violin)''
:'''Appraiser''': Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof!
:'''Fat Tony''': It is acceptable.
:'''Krusty''': Then I'm in and I call! Four aces, read 'em and -
:'''Fat Tony''': ''(deadpan)'' Straight flush.
: ''(Fat Tony puts his hand, the 2-3-4-5-6 of diamonds, on the table as Krusty looks on in horror, and takes the pot)''
:'''Krusty''': Oh, no, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!
:'''Fat Tony''': ''(imitates playing a violin)'' Oh wait. Now I can do it for real. ''(Fat Tony plays a song on Sophie's violin in front of a distraught Krusty)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(As he's running from the mob shooting at him)'' Hey, I said I was sorry.
:'''The mob''': Well, in that case we'll stop. What a class act and nice guy. ''(They stop shooting)''
:'''Homer''': Sorry, you are such jerks. ''(They begin shooting at him again)''

===''[[w:Lisa the Tree Hugger|Lisa the Tree Hugger]]''===
:'''Moe''' ''(throws open the door of his shack and brandishes a box cutter)'': Hey, no menus!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Oh no! My baby's up there!
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': [to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
:'''Jesse''': This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
:'''Homer''': I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I'm a level five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rich Texan''': ''[after the runaway tree destroys Hemp World]'' Yeehaw! Score one for the bad guys!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''':  Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]
:'''Homer''': Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!
:'''Marge''': We don't have a stash.
:'''Homer''': [shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

===''[[w:Homer vs. Dignity|Homer vs. Dignity]]''===
:'''Mr. Burns''': ''[After Smithers told him about his musical about Malibu Stacy, a doll]'' Well, why not write a musical about [[w:Cats (musical)|the common cat]], or [[w:The King And I|the King of Siam]]?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': When did we become the bottom rung of society?
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Financial Planner''': It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!
:'''Chief Wiggum''': Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.
:'''Financial Planner''': Well, what if you don't get shot?
:'''Wiggum''': What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!

===''[[w:The Computer Wore Menace Shoes|The Computer Wore Menace Shoes]]''===
:''[The Springfield Police Department web page is shown.]''
:'''[[w:Chief Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.
:''[Homer clicks 'No'.]''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. (van symbol is shown) A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hey!
:'''Chief Wiggum''': While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Number 2''': (After Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a [[w:Rover (The Prisoner)|big balloon]] would stop him?
:'''Scientist''': Shut up! That's why!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.]''
:'''Chief Wiggum''': In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruller, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.
:'''Phil''': Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)
:'''Wiggum''': I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.
:'''Phil''': What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
:'''Wiggum''': All right, this press conference is over!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.
:'''Homer''': Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.
:'''Moe''': No.
:'''Homer''': Not even a little one?
:'''Moe''': No!
:'''Homer''': What if I just whisper it?
:'''Moe''': No, I tells ya!

===''[[w:The Great Money Caper|The Great Money Caper]]'' ===
:'''[[w:Abraham Simpson|Abe Simpson]]''': This scam was in ''[[w:The Sting II|The Sting Part 2]]'', so ''nobody'' knows about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Abraham Simpson|Abe Simpson]]''' ''(during the Publisher's Clearinghouse scam)'': I'm gonna get me a [[w:Anna Nicole Smith|a crazy stripper wife]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph Wiggum]]''': ''[Covered in fake blood]'' I look like cable TV!

===''[[w:Skinner's Sense of Snow|Skinner's Sense of Snow]]''===
:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from &quot;Winter Wonderland&quot; to a &quot;Class 3 Kill-Storm&quot;!
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': I don't like the sound of that &quot;class 3&quot;.
:'''Kent Brockman''': And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. (At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net)
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Burns]]''': He shoots, he scores!
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': (laughs) Perfect form sir.
:'''Marge''': Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I dunno. Internet?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Skinner''': Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)
:'''Chalmers''': Skinner!
:'''Skinner''': Well, that didn't help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Reading his permanent record)''
:'''Bart''': 'Underachiever and proud of it.&quot; How old is this thing?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nelson''': (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.
:'''Skinner''': Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
:'''Nelson''': I spit on your monitors.
:'''Skinner''': I know. That's why the position's available.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer and Ned are about to collide with a silo]''
:'''Ned''': We're gonna crash!
:'''Homer''': Do you have air bags?
:'''Ned''': No! The church opposes them for some reason!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned]''
:'''Nelson''': What was that?
:'''Lisa''': It sounded like a silo tipping over.
:'''Bart''': Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)
:'''Martin''': With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)
:'''Skinner''': You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
:'''Nibbles''': Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow mobile)
:'''Chalmers''': Skinner!
:'''Skinner''': Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!
:'''Chalmers''': What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
:'''Skinner''': Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-
:'''Chalmers''': There'd better be a good explanation for this.
:'''Bart''': There is, sir.
:'''Chalmers''': Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow mobile)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bart''': We're trapped in the school!
:''[Kids scream]''
:'''Milhouse''': We're gonna miss Christmas!
:''[Kids scream louder]''
:'''Principal Skinner''': I fixed the DVD!
:''[Kids scream even louder]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!
:'''Willie''': OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!
:'''Skinner''': Fine, I'll do the job myself.

===''[[w:HOMЯ|HOMЯ]]''===
:'''Doctor''': Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hmmm... Increase my ''killing'' power, eh? Let's do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)''
:'''Voice''': ''For automated stock prices, please state the company name.''
:'''Homer''': Animotion.
:'''Voice''': ''Animotion: up one and one eighth.''
:'''Homer''': Yahoo!
:'''Voice''': ''Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.''
:'''Homer''': Huh, what is this crap?
:'''Voice''': ''Fox Broadcasting: down eight.''
:(Homer grins smugly)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Male Scientist''': I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, we don't play God here!
:'''Homer''': That's preposterous! You do nothing ''but'' play God, and I think your octoparrot would agree!
:'''Octoparrot''': ''[squawks]'' Ark! Polly shouldn't be! ''[whistles]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]''
:'''Marge''': Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
:'''Homer''': ''[crashes through the window]'' Who wants lottery tickets?
:'''Marge''': Okay, it's in his brain.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': So you all hate me?
:'''Lenny''': That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
:'''Carl''': Not to mention driving to.
:'''Moe''': And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A ''lot'' happier.
:'''Lenny''': You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
:'''Homer''': Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
:'''Moe''': Power off, Einstein.

===''[[w:Pokey Mom|Pokey Mom]]''===
:'''Jack''': Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': ''(confused)'' Mecca? Uh...
:'''Jack''': ''(chuckles)'' I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': So how was it in the slammer?
:'''Marge''': Terrific. Bart, [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]] says he'll be seeing you ''real'' soon.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': ''(Chuckles)'' That Bob.

===''[[w:Worst Episode Ever|Worst Episode Ever]]''===
:''[Ralph enters the &quot;Adults Only&quot; section of the Android's Dungeon.]''
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': Everybody's hugging!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Comic Book Guy|Comic Book Guy]]''': I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
:'''[[w:Carl Carlson|Carl]]''': Hey, you knocking beer?
:'''[[w:Lenny Leonard|Lenny]]''': Nobody bad mouths Duff!
:''(Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)''
:'''Lenny''': Ahhh, piece of crap.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Come on, you're here to make friends.
:'''Comic Book Guy''': Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
:'''Carl''': Hey, they keep us cool in the summer pal!

===''[[w:Tennis the Menace|Tennis the Menace]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': Hey ya got a tennis court?
:'''Homer''': Keep walking Flanders.
:'''Flanders''': Will do.
:'''Homer''': Faster!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
:'''Homer''': Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
:'''Kent Brockman''': ''(nervous laughing)'' Well... ''(Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)''
:''(Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)''
:'''Writer 1''': Come on hurry up. ''(Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note)'' I guess you could say it's my racket.
:'''Kent Brockman''': I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
:'''Homer''': ''(gasps) (threatening tone)'' Get off my property.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Dad, you are just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you? 
:'''Homer''': Maybe five bucks will refresh my memory...
:'''Lisa''': ''(groaning)'' Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
:'''Homer''': God! Who pays for that wedding?!

===''[[w:Day of the Jackanapes|Day of the Jackanapes]]''===
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': ''(walks in tired)'' Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
:''(the family stares blankly at Smithers)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotize Bart''
:'''[[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]''': You are in my power.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I am at your command.
:'''Sideshow Bob''': I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
:'''Bart''': I am in your power.
:'''Sideshow Bob''': Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]''': Rakes! My old archenemy.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': I thought ''I'' was your archenemy?
:'''Sideshow Bob''': I have a life ''outside'' of you, Bart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sideshow Bob''': Ah, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon ''Blownaparte''!
:'''Techie''': Ugh, terrible!
:'''Sideshow Bob''': Oh, hush up, Leo.

===''[[w:New Kids on the Blecch|New Kids on the Blecch]]''===
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Who are you?
:'''L.T. Smash''': Aw, you'll find out in due time.
:'''Bart''': ''[reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror]'' Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.
:'''L.T. Smash''': The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''L.T. Smash''': I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!
:''[someone spins a chair around to reveal Milhouse, with a new haircut and hipper clothing]''
:'''[[w:Milhouse Van Houten|Milhouse]]''': What up, G-money?
:'''L.T. Smash''': Next:  He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.
:''[spins chair to reveal Nelson]''
:'''Bart''': Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?
:'''[[w:Ralph Wiggum|Ralph]]''': ''[spins his own chair around]'' Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''Lisa takes off a '.' sticker on L.T. Smash's name sign and gasps''
:'''Lisa''': Lt. Smash!
:'''L.T. Smash''': Yeah, that's right. Lt. L.T. Smash.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': How could you ruin the good name of Star Blitzzz! Productions?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''L.T. Smash''': It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
:'''Lisa''': Super liminal?
:'''L.T. Smash''': I'll show you.... ''(Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl)'' HEY YOU! Join the navy!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, alright.
:'''Lenny''': I'm in!

===''[[w:Hungry, Hungry Homer|Hungry, Hungry Homer]]''===
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.
:'''Homer''': (Suspicious) Will this erase my memory?
:'''Howard K. Duff''': No, of course not.
:(Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses)
:'''Howard K. Duff''': (sipping the beer). Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!
:(Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally)

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer's protest song]''
:'''Homer''' ''(weakly)'': ''Dancing away my hunger pangs'' &lt;br/&gt;
:''Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt''&lt;br/&gt;
:''I'm kinda like Jesus''&lt;br/&gt;
:''But not in the sacrilegious way''&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Nighttime, day 9 of his hunger strike, an emaciated Homer sits in his chair and weakly waves his sign as the crowd cheers the game.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares!
:''[Homer spots a stray pretzel not too far from him. Desperately, he falls to his hands and knees and crawls toward the pretzel, only to stop when it gets stepped on by the foot of a ghostly figure.]''
:'''Homer''': Who are you?
:'''Spirit of [[César Chávez]]''': The spirit of César Chávez.
:'''Homer''': Why do you look like [[w:César Romero|César Romero]]?
:'''Spirit of [[César Chávez]]''': Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
:'''Homer''': Why are you here?
:'''Spirit of [[César Chávez]]''': To tell you not to give up.
:'''Homer''': Oh, but I wanna!
:''[From the main office, Howard K. Duff and his assistants watch Homer talking to thin air.]''
:'''Assistant 1''': He's talking to himself, sir.
:'''Assistant 2''': And his smell ''is'' distracting the center fielder.
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Hmm, yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.
:''[The next morning, Homer is snoring when Duff's assistants unchain him and grab his arms]''
:'''Assistant 1''': Okay, skinny, on your feet.
:'''Homer''': Huh? What's happening? Did I crush your evil plan?
:'''Howard K. Duff''': No, you're being replaced.
:''[The crowd boos as Homer is escorted away.]''
:'''Announcer''': And now, taking over for Hungry, Hungry Homer, let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!
:''[The eponymous Pete cheerfully walks onto the field and holds up a bucket of blue paint before downing it. As he falls to the ground, choking and spasming, the crowd cheers]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The day after Homer has been moved to the stadium, a game is played while Homer runs from side to side, waving his sign 'Hungry For The Truth!'.]''
:'''Announcer''': Folks, it's time to meet a real super-fan: Hungry, Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike 'til the 'Topes win the pennant!
:''[The crowd cheers.]''
:'''Homer''': What? No! That's not the reason! They're moving the team to Albuquerque!
:'''Announcer''': That's right, folks, go, 'Topes!
:''[The crowd cheers again. Homer slumps into his chair.]''
:'''Homer''': Oh, all this hunger for nothing!
:'''Vendor''': Get your Duck!! Fresh, crispy Peking Duck!
:'''Otto''': Hey, duck man! Over here!
:''[Vendor throws Otto a duck]''
:'''Otto''': (eating) Mmmm. (almost orgasmically) Mmmmmm!
:''[Homer suddenly picks up every sound the crowd makes while eating their snacks.]''
:'''Homer''': Do they have to chew so loud?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?
:'''Assistant 1''': Death is a natural part of baseball, ma'am.
:'''Assistant 2''': Oh yeah, the main part.
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Guys. Uh, we won't let anything happen to your husband, Mrs Simpson. He's in good hands.
:'''Marge''': (looking at Homer through a telescope) He's not moving!
:''[From Marge's POV, we see Homer lying on his back, eyes closed, mouth open. His white shirt is now stained greyed and frayed around the edges, and his pants are being held up by rope. Flies buzz around him.]''
:'''Howard K. Duff''': He's probably just resting after all the moving he did before you got here. (Aside) Turn on the sprinklers.
:''[The sprinklers turn on, causing Homer to moan weakly and roll over onto his front]''
:'''Howard K. Duff''': See? He's fine.
:''[Marge grumbles in frustration]''

&lt;hr width=50%?&gt;

:'''Howard K. Duff''': Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oh, me so hungy.
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': (''Smells the hot dog''.) Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! (''The crowd gasps''.) Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... (''Grabs the microphone''.) Albuquerque!
:''[The crowd gasps even more.]''
:'''Lenny''': He's right.
:'''[[w:Moe Syzlak|Moe]]''': Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes
:'''Sideshow Mel''': Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!
:''[Everyone starts getting angry at Howard.]''
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!
:'''Crowd''': Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
:'''Howard K. Duff''': Get him out of here!
:''[Duffman proceeds to get Homer out of the fields.]''
:'''[[Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.
:''[Duffman repeatedly turns to Howard and Homer]''.
:'''Duffman''': New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?

&lt;hr width=50%?&gt;

:'''[[Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': The truth never tasted so good!
:[''Everyone cheers''.]
:'''[[Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Way to go, Slim!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Albuquerque Mayor''': See how much Dallas wants for the [[w:Dallas Cowboys|Cowboys]]..
:'''Assistant''': That's a football team, sir.
:'''Albuquerque Mayor''': They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

===''[[w:Bye Bye Nerdie|Bye Bye Nerdie]]''===
:'''Lisa''': I was wondering if you bullies would be interested in some bodyguard work?
:'''Nelson''': Heh, that's funny. We were just talking about going into the protection business.
:'''Kearney''': We're offering a lunch-and-recess package that's very affordable.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': I had no idea you knew so much about bullying.
:'''Nelson''': Oh, yeah, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Francine is going on a rampage beating up every scientist in sight]''
:'''Francine''': ''SUCK FIST, DOCTOR DORK!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Groundskeeper Willie''': Ach! It's a mighty puddle of puke!
:'''Wendell''': I'm sorry.
:'''Groundskeeper Willie''': Aw, that's all right lad. It reminds me why I got into this business. [salutes him]

===''[[w:Simpson Safari | Simpson Safari]]''===
:'''Homer''': Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bag Boy 1''': ''[Homer keeps poking him with a baguette, trying to get him to go faster]'' Can you please-- Ow! Stop? Bag boys had feelings too, you know?
:'''Homer''': No, you don't.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': 'Sulfur jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
:''[a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams]''
:'''Homer''': Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

===''[[w:Trilogy of Error|Trilogy of Error]]''===
:'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Wiggum]]''': [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': I just cut off my husband's thumb!
:'''Wiggum''': ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
:'''Marge''': It was an accident!
:'''Wiggum''': Yeah, yeah. Save it for &quot;Dateline: Tuesday.&quot; Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
:'''Marge''': Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.
:'''Wiggum''': [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Nick Riviera|Dr. Nick Riviera]]''': Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Homer walks to Shelbyville]''
:'''Homer''': ''[gets his severed thumb out of the pickle jar, groans]'' It's too late. ''[throws away Moe's jar of pickles]'' Well, old friend. We always knew this day would come. Say goodbye to your brother.
:''[The robot explodes from distant, Linguo's head lands near him.]''
:'''Homer''': What the hell?! ''[picks up Linguo and gasps]'' Linguo! Dead?!
:'''Linguo''': Linguo... ''is...'' dead. ''[powers down]''
:''[Homer closes Linguo's eyes.]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Teeny''' ''(subtitled, to audience)'': This plot makes no sense. Tell the people.

===''[[w:I'm Goin' to Praiseland|I'm Goin' to Praiseland]]''===
:'''[[w:Rich Texan|Rich Texan]]''': May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.
:'''Homer''': Christ be with you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''(while cleaning Ned's room to get rid of all the things that remind him of Maude)''
:'''Lisa''': Hey, don't throw that away. It's Rod's first tooth!
:'''Bart''': You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.

===''[[w:Children of a Lesser Clod|Children of a Lesser Clod]]''===

:'''Marge''': That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.
:'''Moleman''': That's what I've been trying to tell you.
:'''Employee''': That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run!
:''[Homer gets up out of his wheelchair, but his leg snaps. He collapses and screams in pain. A bear suddenly appears and looks concerned for Homer's health]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a flail] I'll mace you good!
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Aah!
:'''Homer''': Hey! That is completely taken out of context.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd]''
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Flanders]]''': So, did you boys have a good time?
:'''Rod''': Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
:'''Todd''': He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arnie Pie''': ''(describing Homer's actions)'' He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
:'''Kent Brockman''': Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
:'''Arnie Pie''': I can't see through metal, Kent!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Lisa and Marge are watching Homer getting operated on]''
:'''Lisa''': So many times we've seen Dad go under the knife.
:'''Marge''' ''(while holding a card)'': One more, and I get a free hysterectomy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
:'''Homer Simpson''': Did you say ''an''-terior?
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': Yes.
:''(Homer screams in pain)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''(Dr. Hibbert goes over the hospital bill with Homer)''
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': You shouldn't have had all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
:'''Homer''': But ''Dr. Screwlittle'' sounded like a delightful romp.

{{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, season 12}}
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  <page>
    <title>Meet the Robinsons</title>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:13:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
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      <text bytes="33702" sha1="qc7h2dv5q7asedx0h5jphtwaw59zlay" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Meet the Robinsons|Meet the Robinsons]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007]] [[w:CGI|CGI-animated]] family film produced by Walt Disney Pictures about an inventive orphan boy named Lewis, whose world is changed when a boy named Wilbur takes him on a trip to the future to meet his family, the Robinsons.
:''Directed by [[w:Stephen Anderson (artist)|Stephen Anderson]]. Written by [[w:Don Hall (filmmaker)|Don Hall]] and [[w:Nathan Greno|Nathan Greno]].''
{{center|'''If you think your family's different, wait 'til you meet the family of the future.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Lewis is being interviewed by the Harringtons for adoption]''
:'''Lewis''': I mean, there's so many things in the world that can be improved. Just think of it. Moving sidewalks, flying cars. The possibilities are endless.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Flying cars? Yeah, that's a good one.
:'''Lewis''': All it takes is some imagination and a little science, and we can make the world a better place.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Well, these are all interesting ideas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy there at Inventco Labs, and we're just so excited to have you as a judge.
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know. One of your students may invent the next integrated circuit, microprocessor, or integrated circuit. ''[stops Mr. Willerstein, realizing something]'' Oh, wait! I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of that lab very much. ''[looks down at Mr. Willerstein's bow tie he's wearing]'' Is that a bow tie? I like bow ties. I haven't slept in 8 days!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Well, can I offer you a cot?
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': Nope. ''[places a sticker with a picture of a coffee mug on Mr. Willerstein's forehead]'' I've got the caffeine patch. I invented it myself. One patch is the equivalent to twelve cups of coffee. You can stay awake for days with no side effects. ''[screams, scaring Mr. Willerstein]'' Sorry. Who's that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Okay, next up is Lizzy and her fire ant farm.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' That's right.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Lizzy, we talked about the fire ants. You know that they have a tendency to bite people.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' Only my enemies.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Keep moving, shall we? Top-notch, Lizzy! Let's not anger her, or make her jumpy in any way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[clears throat]'' Have you ever forgotten something, and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember it? Well, what happens to these forgotten memories? I propose they're stored somewhere in your brain, and I built a machine that can retrieve them. I call it… the Memory Scanner! ''[pulls off the blanket, revealing his invention]''
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': It's shiny!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': So, Lewis, how does the Memory Scanner work?
:'''Lewis''': (Simple.) First, you input the desired period of time on this keypad. Then, a laser scans the cerebral cortex where memories are stored. The retrieved memory is then displayed on this monitor.
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': Wrap him up. I'll take two.
:'''Lewis''': Now, I'm going back twelve years, three months and eleven days. ''[inputs the desired time period on the keypad]''
:'''Coach''': Why that particular day? You didn't think I was paying attention, did you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, that was the day… Let's just say that was a very important day of my life.
:'''Coach''': Fair enough. Play ball.
:'''Lewis''': ''[starting up his invention]'' It'll just take a second to get the turbines going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Would you quit that, please? I know you're not a pigeon.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[quickly covers Lewis' mouth]'' You're blowing my cover!
:'''Lewis''': We're the only ones up here.
:'''Wilbur''': That's just what they want you to think. Now, enough moping. Take this back to the science fair and fix that Memory Scanner.
:'''Lewis''': Stop! Stop! Get away from me!
:'''Wilbur''': Maybe you've forgotten, I'm a time cop from the future. It should be taken very seriously.
:'''Lewis''': ''[swipes the &quot;badge&quot; out of Wilbur's hand]'' That's no badge. This is a coupon for a tanning salon! You're a fake.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, you got me. I'm not a cop, but I really am from the future, and there really is this Bowler Hat Guy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[groans]'' Here we go again.
:'''Wilbur''': He stole a time machine, came to the science fair, and ruined your project!
:'''Lewis''': My project didn't work because I'm no good. There is no Bowler Hat Guy, there is no time machine, and you're not from the future! YOU'RE CRAZY!
:'''Wilbur''': ''[exclaiming]'' I am not crazy!
:'''Lewis''': Oh, yeah, Captain Time Travel? Prove it. 
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just gonna lock myself in my room and hide under the covers for a couple years.
:'''Wilbur''': If I prove to you I'm from the future, will you go back to the Science Fair?
:'''Lewis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure, whatever you say. ''[Wilbur takes that as a &quot;yes&quot; and pushes him to the edge of the roof]'' Hey, let go of me! What are you doing, let go of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Okay! ''[pushes Lewis off the roof]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[screaming; stops in midair, continues screaming; Wilbur presses a button and a time machine appears]'' What is this?! Where are we going?!
:'''Wilbur''': To the future!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur, this is a Time Machine! Why should I fix my dumb invention when you can take me to see mom, now, in this ship?
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': I could actually go back to that night and stop her from giving me up.
:'''Wilbur''': The answer is not a time machine. ''[holds up the drawing of the Memory Scanner]'' It's this!
:'''Lewis''': ''This?'' You want to know what I think about this? ''[tears up the drawing]''
:'''Wilbur''': What are you doing?!
:'''Lewis''': I'm sorry, Wilbur. ''[moves up to take the wheel]'' You don't know what I've lived through.
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, no!
:'''Lewis''': Let go!
:'''Wilbur''': You let go!
:'''Lewis''': You're not the boss of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, I am! 'Cause you're 12 and I'm 13! ''That'' makes me older!
:'''Lewis''': Well, I was born in the past, which makes me older and the boss of ''you! [accidentally rips off the steering wheel]''
:''[The Time Machine crashes into a building, damaging one of its wings; Lewis and Wilbur scream while bracing for impact and they crash into a green hill outside the city]''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[holds up the steering wheel]'' I am ''so'' dead. I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me, and I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!
:'''Lewis''': Isn't there, like, a Time Machine Repair Shop, or something?
:'''Wilbur''': No! There's only '''two''' Time Machines in existence, and the Bowler Hat Guy has the other one!
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''somebody's'' gonna have to fix this.
:'''Wilbur''': Good idea! ''[pulls Lewis over to the broken time machine]'' You're smart, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[speechless]'' Are you crazy?! I can't fix this thing.
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, you can. You broke it, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Alright, under ''one'' condition. I fix it, ''you'' take me back to see my mom.
:'''Wilbur''': What?! You didn't even follow through on our last deal! How can I trust you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''you'' told me you were a Time-Cop from the future! How can ''I'' trust ''you?''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[Long pausez]'' Touchie!
:'''Lewis''': So do we have a deal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The screen reads &quot;Watch out!&quot;]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Watch out! ''[the Memory Scanner crashes on him]'' Doris, it's all over! All our hopes and dreams dashed, like so many pieces of a broken machine thing.
:''[Doris squeaks]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': You're right! Success is still ours for the taking! We must find that boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl runs away screaming upon seeing Lewis]''
:'''Lewis''': Well. That was unexpected. ''[Wilbur quickly slams a [[w:Fruit hat|fruit hat]] on Lewis' head]'' As was that.
:'''Wilbur''': If my family finds out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive, and dance on my grave. I'm ''not'' exaggerating! Well... Yes, I am, but not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway!
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question! ''[runs off]''
:'''Lewis''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Wilbur''': Another excellent question! ''[runs under the travel tube and is sucked up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Spike''': Hey, ring my doorbell.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': No, no, no, no, ring my doorbell. Ring it! Ring it! Ring it! Look at this doorbell! Ring it! Yes!
:'''Uncle Spike''': Uh... That was accidental. That's an accidental ring. It doesn't count. It's in the rule book. Look it up.  
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Flat head.
:'''Uncle Spike''': Short roots.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Evergreen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': What do you mean, don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family in this time of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen, and now the entire time stream could be altered! That and someone took my bike.
:'''Wilbur''': Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out. First, we keep Lewis in the garage away from everybody. I show up and give him the pep talk of the century. Then he fixes the time machine.
:'''Carl''': Why is it an acorn?
:'''Wilbur''': I didn't have time to sculpt everything. Okay, now, the time machine is fixed. His confidence in inventing is restored. He goes back to the science fair, fixes his Memory Scanner, thus restoring the space-time continuum.
:'''Carl''': What about taking him back to see his mom?
:'''Wilbur''': I just told him that to buy some time.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face.
:'''Wilbur''': Trust me. I got it under control. Wilbur Robinson never fails. But on the slight chance that I do...
:'''Carl''': &quot;On the slight chance,&quot; yeah. You know what? I'll run the numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': What is it?
:'''Carl''': Well, it's not. It doesn't pertain to anything in. You know, there's not necessarily, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Carl''': And I didn't want to tell you, but I did.
:'''Wilbur''': I won't exist?
:'''Carl''': And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner.
:'''Wilbur''': What am I worried about? Now, blueprints?
:'''Carl''': If this thing ever blows over, I really gotta get away from you and get some quiet time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Bud''': What's happening?! Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Well, hey, there, little fella! Now, I know what you're thinking, and my clothes are not on backwards. My head is! ''[laughing]'' Oh, I used to tell that one to my science students. They didn't laugh, either. Anywho, what's your name, fruit-head?
:'''Lewis''': Well, Lewis, but...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Lewis, huh? Well, say, Lewis, you haven't seen any teeth around here, have you?
:'''Lewis''': Teeth?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Yeah, my teeth. ''[Lewis exclaims in disgust]'' Been digging holes all day. Can't find them anywhere.
:'''Lewis''': All right, look, old man, I need to get back to the garage. Wilbur left me down there, and I wasn't supposed to leave, and these monsters attacked me on the porch and...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Monsters? There's no monsters on the porch, you ninny. 
:'''Lewis''': Listen to me!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Of course, I also didn't think there was a woodchuck living on my arm, and lookie there! Hope he ain't got rabies.
:'''Lewis''': Old man, I need to get to the garage!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, sure, I'll get you there in a jiffy. I know a shortcut! Welcome to the garage! Well, I'm completely lost.
:'''Aunt Billie''': Hiya, Grandpa!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Hey, Aunt Billie. Lewis and I are looking for the garage.
:'''Gaston''': We have a garage?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tallulah''': Laszlo, you stop painting my hat, or I'm telling Ma!
:'''Laszlo''': Ah, lighten up, sis.
:'''Tallulah''': Lasz, I mean it!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': Children, please! Your mother is trying to take a nap.
:'''Aunt Petunia''': What is all the yelling out here?!
:'''Tallulah''': ''[in unison]'' He started it!
:'''Laszlo''': ''[in unison]'' She started it!
:'''Aunt Petunia''': I don't want to hear any more!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': ''[nervously]'' Now, sweetie…
:'''Aunt Petunia''': ''[violently slaps him in the face]'' Don't you &quot;sweetie&quot; me! I'm going for a drive. ''[the sound of a car roars away]''
:'''Grandpa Bud''': That's strange. She usually takes the Harley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why is your dog wearing glasses?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Right. Well, glad I could help with the teeth, but, wow, look at the time. ''[starts to run and bumps into Wilbur]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, I told you to stay in the garage!
:'''Lewis''': I did, but I went up the tube, and I ran into your family and I–
:'''Wilbur''': ''[panicked noise]'' '''''You met my family?!''''' ''[grabs Lewis by the ear and drags away into a dark room]'' Pop quiz. Who have you met, and what have you learned?
:'''Lewis''': Okay. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she…? ''[makes hand-puppet gesture]''
:'''Wilbur''': Cranky? Yes.
:'''Lewis''': Tallulah and Lazslo are their children, Joe is married to Billie, Lefty is the butler, Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to.
:'''Wilbur''': Neither do we. Go on.
:'''Lewis''': Lucille is married to Bud, and your dad, Cornelius, is their son. ''[pause; curious]'' What does Cornelius look like?
:'''Wilbur''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]].
:'''Lewis''': ''[beat]'' Okay, Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art.
:'''Wilbur''': You're forgetting something.
:'''Lewis''': Forgetting-? Oh, right! Wilbur is the son of Franny and Cornelius.
:'''Wilbur''': And nobody realized that you were from the past?
:'''Lewis''': Nope. ''[Wilbur sighs with relief]'' Thank you, thank you! Hold your applause, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Doris open the window. Bowler Hat guy giggles and shut window on nose]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Doris, get it off! Get it off! Oh! I got you now! '''''LEWIS!'''''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': No, Lewis is my stupid roommate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[to Wilbur while fixing the time machine]'' I don't even know what I'm doing.
:'''Wilbur''': [[Walt Disney#Quotes|Keep moving forward]].
:'''Lewis''': I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me.
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': And what if I can't fix this, what are we gonna do?
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say &quot;keep moving forward&quot;.
:'''Wilbur''': It's my dad's motto.
:'''Lewis''': Why would his motto be &quot;keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Wilbur''': It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. Robinson Industries, the world's leading scientific research and design factory. My dad runs the company. They mass produce his inventions. His motto, &quot;keep moving forward&quot;. It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What has he invented?
:'''Wilbur''': Everything. Carl, the time machine, the travel tubes.
:'''Lewis''': Your dad invented the time machine?
:'''Wilbur''': Yep. Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes! ''[shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]''
:'''Lewis''': That's a prototype?
:'''Wilbur''': The very first… Or, what's left of it.
:'''Lewis''': Yikes.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson house. Prototypes two and three, not much better. Number six, 58, 212, 485, 952, and they all end the same way. ''[shakes Lewis for emphasis]'' But he doesn't give up! ''[pauses; looks at the fruit hat]'' Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat. ''[Lewis is now wearing an average cap]'' He keeps working and working until finally, he gets it. The first working Time Machine. Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again. The second working time machine.
:'''Lewis''': Kind of small.
:'''Wilbur''': I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine #2… is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy. Pretty amazing story, huh?
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.
:'''Wilbur''': Now, are you ready to start working?
:'''Lewis''': I think that's it. I did it!
:'''Wilbur''': I knew you could. Nice work, my friend. ''[The time machines flies up, but then it's broken again]'' Well, you know what they say! &quot;Keep moving…&quot;
:'''Lewis''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' DON'T SAY IT! ''[sighs]''
:'''Franny''': ''Boys, dinner time.''
:'''Wilbur''': Not now, Mom.
:'''Franny''': If you aren't up here in five minutes, I'm gonna come down and get you.
:'''Wilbur''': We'd better get up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gaston''': And so it begins. Ready? Aim... FIRE! ''[fires a meatball at Franny in the cheek]''
:'''Franny''': Ha. Surely that is not the best you can do. ''[sound doesn't match her lips, like a poorly dubbed martial arts Japanese movie]''
:'''Gaston''': Impressive, little sister. Your skills are strong, but not strong enough.
:'''Franny''': Your words do not threaten me, brother.
:'''Gaston''': Then enough words. Now the real battle begins.
:'''Franny''': Your meatballs are useless against me.
:'''Gaston''': Then perhaps it's time for spicy Italian sausage.
:'''Franny''': ''[gasps]'' No! ''[After above scene]''
:'''Lewis''': Is dinner like this every night?
:'''Uncle Art''': No. Yesterday we had meatloaf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah, yes! You are now under my control!
:'''Frankie''': I am now under your control.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[laughs; Frankie does monotone laughing]'' Stop laughing!
:'''Frankie''': Stop laughing.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Don't repeat everything I say!
:'''Frankie''': I won't repeat everything you say.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Uh, did you just say &quot;excellent&quot; because I said &quot;excellent&quot;?!
:'''Frankie''': ''[lying to Bowler Hat Guy]'' Uh, no.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What's going on?! Why aren't you seizing the boy?!
:'''Dinosaur''': ''[in dinosaur language]'' I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. ''[Bowler Hat Guy is dumbfounded]'' Master?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franny''': Lewis. Lewis, look at me. You're… You're a great kid, and we would never do anything to hurt you, but I'm sorry. You have to go back to your own time.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, about that… um… one of the time machines is broken, and the other one was stolen by a guy with a bowler hat, which, uh, kind of explains the dino.
:'''Franny''': I'm calling your father.
:'''Lewis''': Wait. If I have to leave, can I at least go back and find my mom? Wilbur promised.
:'''Franny''': You promised what?
:'''Wilbur''': I was ''never'' gonna do it! I swear! ''[gasps and covers his mouth]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You ''lied'' to me?
:'''Wilbur''': No! ''[Short pauses; nervously]'' Yes. ''[Lewis grunts angrily and starts to storm off]'' Lewis! Lewis, wait!
:'''Lewis''': ''[enraged]'' I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe you were my friend! ''[resumes running far away]''
:'''Wilbur''': I ''am'' your friend!
:'''Franny''': ''[to Wilbur; disappointed]'' Mister, you're grounded till you die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[amused]'' You ''still'' haven't figured it out!
:'''Lewis''': Figured out what?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Let's see if this rings a bell - Father of the future, inventor extraordinaire, &quot;Keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Lewis''': That's not ''me'', that's Wilbur's dad! ''[Bowler Hat Guy stares at him expectantly. Lewis' eyes go wide in realization]'' Are you saying that… ''I'm'' Wilbur's… Dad?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, give the boy a prize! ''You'' grow up to be the founder of this wrenched time. So I plan to destroy your destiny! Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Wait. So, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Keep going...
:'''Lewis''': Uh, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[irritated]'' Yes, thank you, we've ''established'' that!
:'''Lewis''': But... What does it have to do with you?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Aha! Allow me to shed some light on the subject. ''[turns on light, revealing their old room]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[gasps]'' My old room!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I think you mean OUR old room.
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[removes his cloak, revealing his tiny, filthy Little League Baseball uniform]'' Yes! Yes, it is I, Mike Yagoobian!
:'''Lewis''': Ugh!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I know! I'm disgusting! But one learns to love it!
:'''Lewis''': How'd you end up like this?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship. ''[flashback to a Little League baseball game, Goob is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Goob fails to catch a ball headed his way; voice-over]'' A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me.
:'''Baseball player''': Get him!
:''[changes to Goob in the orphanage]''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': ''[outraged]'' If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me.
:'''Student 1''': Hey, Goob, what's up? Cool binder.
:'''Student 2''': Hey, Goob, want to come over to my house today?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except ''me''.
:'''Reporter''': Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Robinson reaches out to - Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing...
:''[30 years later]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' It was then that I realized it ''wasn't'' my fault. It was ''yours!'' If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch. So, I devised a brilliant plan to get revenge. ''[throwing eggs at Robinson Industries]'' Robinson, you ''STINK! [voice-over]'' Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met…''her.'' We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, ''you'' invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind. But Doris knew she was capable of so much more. ''[Doris takes control of the lab assistant]'' However, you didn't see her true potential. So you shut her down, or so you thought. ''[Doris breaks out of her holding cell]'' We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris' was… well, we went with Doris'. But I made a very, very important contribution. Together, we made the perfect team. ''[watches Wilbur entering the garage at the Robinson house through night-vision goggles]''
:'''Franny''': ''[off-screen]'' Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight or else the alarm won't engage.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, Mom. ''[leaves the garage, but forgot to lock the door]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door. ''[laughs evilly; end of flashback]'' And now all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.
:'''Lewis''': But you have no idea what that could do to this future!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I don't care! I just want to ruin your life!
:'''Lewis''': Goob, I had no idea!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Shut up! And don't call me &quot;Goob&quot;! How many evil villians do you know who can pull off a name like &quot;Goob&quot;? Bleh!
:'''Lewis''': Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad! But don't blame me, you messed it up yourself! You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past... and keep moving forward.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Hmm, let's see: take responsibility for my own life or blame you? ''[makes a bell sound and points his finger at Lewis]'' Blame you wins hands down! ''[laughs evilly]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': I bet you're glad to see me! ''[Lewis punches him]'' OW!
:'''Lewis''': That's for not lockin' the garage door!
:'''Wilbur''': Ah! ''[awkwardly]'' You know about that?!
:'''Lewis''': I know ''everything.''
:'''Wilbur''': You gotta admit, this'll be a ''great'' story to tell me someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[as Doris brings the Memory Scanner back]'' Take a good look around, boys, because your future is about to change. ''[heads to the past]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, you ''have'' to fix the time machine!
:'''Lewis''': No, no, I–I ''can't''! ''[In the past, the Bowler Hat Guy has entered Inventco]'' What about your dad?! You could call him! 
:'''Wilbur''': You ''are'' my dad!
:'''Lewis''': But that's in the future!
:'''Wilbur''': There won't ''be'' a future, unless you fix the time machine! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]'' Look, I messed up. I left the garage unlocked and I've tried like crazy to fix things... But now it's up to ''you''. ''[In the past, Bowler Hat guy is signing a contract]'' You can do it, Dad! ''[starts to vanish]'' Lewis? Lewis! ''[flys into the sky turns into a ball of light, flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]''
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur? Wilbur! Wilbur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[horrified after watching the memory of Doris taking over as Doris reveals herself]'' No. No, this can't be happening! No!
:'''Franny''': ''[under Doris' control along with the other Robinsons]'' Oh, Lewis, it's already happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why did I ''ever'' invent of the stupid hat?! ''[gets an idea]'' Take a good look around, Doris, 'cause your future's about to change. ''[heads to the past to stop Bowler Hat Guy as he finishes signing the petition with the Memory Scanner]'' Goob, stop! You don't know what you're doing!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[angrily]'' YES, I DO! I'm ruinin'  your future!
:'''Lewis''': She's using you, Goob, and when she gets what she wants, she'll get rid of you.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': What? What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[facing Doris; bravely]'' I am '''''never''''' going to invent you. ''[Doris vanishes]'' Come on, Goob. I've got to show you something.
:''[As Lewis and Bowler Hat Guys enter the future]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[hurt and betrayed, understanding that Doris was using him]'' Doris? I thought she was my friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': You did it, Lewis, you did it! ''[sees Bowler Hat Guy, gasps, and attacks him]'' I'll hold him while you run for help.
:'''Lewis''': ''[pries Wilbur off the Bowler Hat Guy and Wilbur is struggling to get free]'' Let him go!
:'''Wilbur''': Wh-what are you doing? He's the bad guy!
:'''Lewis''': No, he's not, he's my roommate.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[pulls Wilbur aside]'' He's my old roommate, and I really think you guys should adopt him.
:'''Wilbur''': Are you nuts?
:'''Lewis''': Give me a good reason why not.
:'''Wilbur''': I'll give you three good reasons. He stole our time machine, tried to ruin your future, and he smells like he hasn't showered in 30 years!
:'''Lewis''': ''[grabs Wilbur by the ear; whispering sternly]'' May I remind you, I'm your father, and you have to do what I say.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, Mr. Yagoobian, do you want to be a Robinson? ''[turns to see that Future Goob has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen]'' Where'd he go?
:'''Lewis''': Goob? Goob! Goob.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cornelius (Future Lewis)''': ''[in the garage]'' Franny, they're gone! Oh, this is terrible!
:'''Franny''': Oh, boy...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, he's home early!
:'''Cornelius''': Franny, where are you?! ''[runs out to the rest of his family]'' The time machines are ''gone''! ''[sees Lewis]'' Oh, oh! ''[Lewis waves awkwardly at Cornelius, who does the same thing, before looking questioningly at everyone else; Wilbur tries to make his escape, but Franny grabs him by the arm and points to him; gives him an unimpressed look]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[disappointed]'' Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Have a safe trip, little Lewis.
:'''Lewis''': I will.
:'''Carl''': Hey, while I got you here, just a couple of little suggestions regarding my design.
:'''Lewis''': Let's face it, these skinny limbs don't exactly make the teapot whistle.
:'''Carl''': All that really matters is, hey, don't forget to invent me.
:'''Lewis''': Are you kidding? No way!
:'''Carl''': I love you.
:'''Lewis''': There's so many things I wish I could ask you.
:'''Wilbur''': Excuse me. Time travel now, questions later.
:'''Lewis''': But I...
:'''Lucille''': Don't worry. Just get back to that science fair, and we'll see you real soon.
:'''Lewis''': Oh, right. Right, okay, I will. Bye!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Goodbye, son!
:'''Lewis''': Thanks again for everything!
:'''Franny''': Wait! Lewis, one more thing.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah?
:'''Franny''': Just a little tip for the future. I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
:'''Cornelius''': She's right. I'd just go with it if I were you. And I am.
:'''Lewis''': Then you're absolutely right. ''[Wilbur honks the horn]'' All right, I'm coming.
:'''Wilbur''': Well, it's not like you're never gonna see them again. They are your family, after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wait a minute. You're supposed to take me back to the science fair.
:'''Wilbur''': I know.
:'''Lewis''': Well, I think you punched in the wrong numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': We agreed that, if you fixed the time machine, I'd take you back to see your mom.
:'''Lewis''': What?
:'''Wilbur''': A deal's a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lewis and Wilbur return to the past after Lewis decided to let his mother go, because he knows he already has a family]'' 
:'''Wilbur''': I don't get it. Why'd you just let her go?
:'''Lewis''': Because… I already have a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bud''': Pleased to meet you… but you don't ''look'' like a &quot;Lewis&quot;. You look more like…
:'''Lewis''': &quot;Cornelius&quot;. I get that a lot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': Over here? There he is. Kid, we'd like to get a story on you for the local paper. You've got a bright future ahead of you.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.

== About Meet the Robinsons ==
* &lt;p&gt;So we had some different challenges: we had skin texture we had to work out, we had to grow hair off of characters' heads and we had to find an animation style that was still fun and loose and had some caricature to it, but could portray humans in a believable way. The Incredibles was a definite inspiration for this. It was eye-popping to me, and certainly part of my education in 3D and how to do character animation with all of its subtleties.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;One really interesting technique that we used is occlusion. It creates shadows based on the proximity of one object to another. It's a way to avoid that glowy feel that computer animation has or the way mouths look like they're illuminated from inside. Occlusion, because it's a closed space in there, will darken that mouth immediately. Then when we add our texture and lighting on top of that, you have a bit more real look to the images you're creating. It's that extra layer of believability that computer animation is so great at.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[w:Stephen J. Anderson|Steve Anderson]] [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/meet-robinsons-keep-moving-forward-disney 'Meet The Robinsons': Keep Moving Forward at Disney], ''Animation World Network'', 30 March 2007

* You could see it in the animation of 2008's Bolt, the first film Lasseter and Catmull touched: The characters were more visually appealing, more believable, funnier than the characters in Disney's previous film, Meet the Robinsons. And crucially, the acting was more nuanced: The characters didn't feel like caricatures.
:* Caitlin Roper, Wired [Roper, Caitlin (October 21, 2014). &quot;Big Hero 6 Proves It: Pixar's Gurus Have Brought the Magic Back to Disney Animation&quot;. Wired. Condé Nast.]

==See Also==

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:Animated films about time travel]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about orphans]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Meet the Robinsons|Meet the Robinsons]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007]] [[w:CGI|CGI-animated]] family film produced by Walt Disney Pictures about an inventive orphan boy named Lewis, whose world is changed when a boy named Wilbur takes him on a trip to the future to meet his family, the Robinsons.
:''Directed by [[w:Stephen Anderson (artist)|Stephen Anderson]]. Written by [[w:Don Hall (filmmaker)|Don Hall]] and [[w:Nathan Greno|Nathan Greno]].''
{{center|'''If you think your family's different, wait 'til you meet the family of the future.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Lewis is being interviewed by the Harringtons for adoption]''
:'''Lewis''': I mean, there's so many things in the world that can be improved. Just think of it. Moving sidewalks, flying cars. The possibilities are endless.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Flying cars? Yeah, that's a good one.
:'''Lewis''': All it takes is some imagination and a little science, and we can make the world a better place.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Well, these are all interesting ideas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy there at Inventco Labs, and we're just so excited to have you as a judge.
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know. One of your students may invent the next integrated circuit, microprocessor, or integrated circuit. ''[stops Mr. Willerstein, realizing something]'' Oh, wait! I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of that lab very much. ''[looks down at Mr. Willerstein's bow tie he's wearing]'' Is that a bow tie? I like bow ties. I haven't slept in 8 days!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Well, can I offer you a cot?
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': Nope. ''[places a sticker with a picture of a coffee mug on Mr. Willerstein's forehead]'' I've got the caffeine patch. I invented it myself. One patch is the equivalent to twelve cups of coffee. You can stay awake for days with no side effects. ''[screams, scaring Mr. Willerstein]'' Sorry. Who's that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Okay, next up is Lizzy and her fire ant farm.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' That's right.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Lizzy, we talked about the fire ants. You know that they have a tendency to bite people.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' Only my enemies.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Keep moving, shall we? Top-notch, Lizzy! Let's not anger her, or make her jumpy in any way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[clears throat]'' Have you ever forgotten something, and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember it? Well, what happens to these forgotten memories? I propose they're stored somewhere in your brain, and I built a machine that can retrieve them. I call it… the Memory Scanner! ''[pulls off the blanket, revealing his invention]''
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': It's shiny!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': So, Lewis, how does the Memory Scanner work?
:'''Lewis''': (Simple.) First, you input the desired period of time on this keypad. Then, a laser scans the cerebral cortex where memories are stored. The retrieved memory is then displayed on this monitor.
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': Wrap him up. I'll take two.
:'''Lewis''': Now, I'm going back twelve years, three months and eleven days. ''[inputs the desired time period on the keypad]''
:'''Coach''': Why that particular day? You didn't think I was paying attention, did you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, that was the day… Let's just say that was a very important day of my life.
:'''Coach''': Fair enough. Play ball.
:'''Lewis''': ''[starting up his invention]'' It'll just take a second to get the turbines going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Would you quit that, please? I know you're not a pigeon.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[quickly covers Lewis' mouth]'' You're blowing my cover!
:'''Lewis''': We're the only ones up here.
:'''Wilbur''': That's just what they want you to think. Now, enough moping. Take this back to the science fair and fix that Memory Scanner.
:'''Lewis''': Stop! Stop! Get away from me!
:'''Wilbur''': Maybe you've forgotten, I'm a time cop from the future. It should be taken very seriously.
:'''Lewis''': ''[swipes the &quot;badge&quot; out of Wilbur's hand]'' That's no badge. This is a coupon for a tanning salon! You're a fake.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, you got me. I'm not a cop, but I really am from the future, and there really is this Bowler Hat Guy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[groans]'' Here we go again.
:'''Wilbur''': He stole a time machine, came to the science fair, and ruined your project!
:'''Lewis''': My project didn't work because I'm no good. There is no Bowler Hat Guy, there is no time machine, and you're not from the future! YOU'RE CRAZY!
:'''Wilbur''': ''[exclaiming]'' I am not crazy!
:'''Lewis''': Oh, yeah, Captain Time Travel? Prove it. 
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just gonna lock myself in my room and hide under the covers for a couple years.
:'''Wilbur''': If I prove to you I'm from the future, will you go back to the Science Fair?
:'''Lewis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure, whatever you say. ''[Wilbur takes that as a &quot;yes&quot; and pushes him to the edge of the roof]'' Hey, let go of me! What are you doing, let go of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Okay! ''[pushes Lewis off the roof]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[screaming; stops in midair, continues screaming; Wilbur presses a button and a time machine appears]'' What is this?! Where are we going?!
:'''Wilbur''': To the future!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur, this is a Time Machine! Why should I fix my dumb invention when you can take me to see mom, now, in this ship?
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': I could actually go back to that night and stop her from giving me up.
:'''Wilbur''': The answer is not a time machine. ''[holds up the drawing of the Memory Scanner]'' It's this!
:'''Lewis''': ''This?'' You want to know what I think about this? ''[rips up the drawing]''
:'''Wilbur''': What are you doing?!
:'''Lewis''': I'm sorry, Wilbur. ''[moves up to take the wheel]'' You don't know what I've lived through.
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, no!
:'''Lewis''': Let go!
:'''Wilbur''': You let go!
:'''Lewis''': You're not the boss of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, I am! 'Cause you're 12 and I'm 13! ''That'' makes me older!
:'''Lewis''': Well, I was born in the past, which makes me older and the boss of ''you! [accidentally rips off the steering wheel]''
:''[The Time Machine crashes into a building, damaging one of its wings; Lewis and Wilbur scream while bracing for impact and they crash into a green hill outside the city]''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[holds up the steering wheel]'' I am ''so'' dead. I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me, and I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!
:'''Lewis''': Isn't there, like, a Time Machine Repair Shop, or something?
:'''Wilbur''': No! There's only '''two''' Time Machines in existence, and the Bowler Hat Guy has the other one!
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''somebody's'' gonna have to fix this.
:'''Wilbur''': Good idea! ''[pulls Lewis over to the broken time machine]'' You're smart, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[speechless]'' Are you crazy?! I can't fix this thing.
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, you can. You broke it, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Alright, under ''one'' condition. I fix it, ''you'' take me back to see my mom.
:'''Wilbur''': What?! You didn't even follow through on our last deal! How can I trust you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''you'' told me you were a Time-Cop from the future! How can ''I'' trust ''you?''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[Long pausez]'' Touchie!
:'''Lewis''': So do we have a deal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The screen reads &quot;Watch out!&quot;]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Watch out! ''[the Memory Scanner crashes on him]'' Doris, it's all over! All our hopes and dreams dashed, like so many pieces of a broken machine thing.
:''[Doris squeaks]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': You're right! Success is still ours for the taking! We must find that boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl runs away screaming upon seeing Lewis]''
:'''Lewis''': Well. That was unexpected. ''[Wilbur quickly slams a [[w:Fruit hat|fruit hat]] on Lewis' head]'' As was that.
:'''Wilbur''': If my family finds out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive, and dance on my grave. I'm ''not'' exaggerating! Well... Yes, I am, but not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway!
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question! ''[runs off]''
:'''Lewis''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Wilbur''': Another excellent question! ''[runs under the travel tube and is sucked up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Spike''': Hey, ring my doorbell.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': No, no, no, no, ring my doorbell. Ring it! Ring it! Ring it! Look at this doorbell! Ring it! Yes!
:'''Uncle Spike''': Uh... That was accidental. That's an accidental ring. It doesn't count. It's in the rule book. Look it up.  
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Flat head.
:'''Uncle Spike''': Short roots.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Evergreen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': What do you mean, don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family in this time of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen, and now the entire time stream could be altered! That and someone took my bike.
:'''Wilbur''': Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out. First, we keep Lewis in the garage away from everybody. I show up and give him the pep talk of the century. Then he fixes the time machine.
:'''Carl''': Why is it an acorn?
:'''Wilbur''': I didn't have time to sculpt everything. Okay, now, the time machine is fixed. His confidence in inventing is restored. He goes back to the science fair, fixes his Memory Scanner, thus restoring the space-time continuum.
:'''Carl''': What about taking him back to see his mom?
:'''Wilbur''': I just told him that to buy some time.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face.
:'''Wilbur''': Trust me. I got it under control. Wilbur Robinson never fails. But on the slight chance that I do...
:'''Carl''': &quot;On the slight chance,&quot; yeah. You know what? I'll run the numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': What is it?
:'''Carl''': Well, it's not. It doesn't pertain to anything in. You know, there's not necessarily, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Carl''': And I didn't want to tell you, but I did.
:'''Wilbur''': I won't exist?
:'''Carl''': And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner.
:'''Wilbur''': What am I worried about? Now, blueprints?
:'''Carl''': If this thing ever blows over, I really gotta get away from you and get some quiet time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Bud''': What's happening?! Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Well, hey, there, little fella! Now, I know what you're thinking, and my clothes are not on backwards. My head is! ''[laughing]'' Oh, I used to tell that one to my science students. They didn't laugh, either. Anywho, what's your name, fruit-head?
:'''Lewis''': Well, Lewis, but...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Lewis, huh? Well, say, Lewis, you haven't seen any teeth around here, have you?
:'''Lewis''': Teeth?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Yeah, my teeth. ''[Lewis exclaims in disgust]'' Been digging holes all day. Can't find them anywhere.
:'''Lewis''': All right, look, old man, I need to get back to the garage. Wilbur left me down there, and I wasn't supposed to leave, and these monsters attacked me on the porch and...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Monsters? There's no monsters on the porch, you ninny. 
:'''Lewis''': Listen to me!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Of course, I also didn't think there was a woodchuck living on my arm, and lookie there! Hope he ain't got rabies.
:'''Lewis''': Old man, I need to get to the garage!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, sure, I'll get you there in a jiffy. I know a shortcut! Welcome to the garage! Well, I'm completely lost.
:'''Aunt Billie''': Hiya, Grandpa!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Hey, Aunt Billie. Lewis and I are looking for the garage.
:'''Gaston''': We have a garage?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tallulah''': Laszlo, you stop painting my hat, or I'm telling Ma!
:'''Laszlo''': Ah, lighten up, sis.
:'''Tallulah''': Lasz, I mean it!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': Children, please! Your mother is trying to take a nap.
:'''Aunt Petunia''': What is all the yelling out here?!
:'''Tallulah''': ''[in unison]'' He started it!
:'''Laszlo''': ''[in unison]'' She started it!
:'''Aunt Petunia''': I don't want to hear any more!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': ''[nervously]'' Now, sweetie…
:'''Aunt Petunia''': ''[violently slaps him in the face]'' Don't you &quot;sweetie&quot; me! I'm going for a drive. ''[the sound of a car roars away]''
:'''Grandpa Bud''': That's strange. She usually takes the Harley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why is your dog wearing glasses?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Right. Well, glad I could help with the teeth, but, wow, look at the time. ''[starts to run and bumps into Wilbur]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, I told you to stay in the garage!
:'''Lewis''': I did, but I went up the tube, and I ran into your family and I–
:'''Wilbur''': ''[panicked noise]'' '''''You met my family?!''''' ''[grabs Lewis by the ear and drags away into a dark room]'' Pop quiz. Who have you met, and what have you learned?
:'''Lewis''': Okay. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she…? ''[makes hand-puppet gesture]''
:'''Wilbur''': Cranky? Yes.
:'''Lewis''': Tallulah and Lazslo are their children, Joe is married to Billie, Lefty is the butler, Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to.
:'''Wilbur''': Neither do we. Go on.
:'''Lewis''': Lucille is married to Bud, and your dad, Cornelius, is their son. ''[pause; curious]'' What does Cornelius look like?
:'''Wilbur''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]].
:'''Lewis''': ''[beat]'' Okay, Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art.
:'''Wilbur''': You're forgetting something.
:'''Lewis''': Forgetting-? Oh, right! Wilbur is the son of Franny and Cornelius.
:'''Wilbur''': And nobody realized that you were from the past?
:'''Lewis''': Nope. ''[Wilbur sighs with relief]'' Thank you, thank you! Hold your applause, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Doris open the window. Bowler Hat guy giggles and shut window on nose]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Doris, get it off! Get it off! Oh! I got you now! '''''LEWIS!'''''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': No, Lewis is my stupid roommate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[to Wilbur while fixing the time machine]'' I don't even know what I'm doing.
:'''Wilbur''': [[Walt Disney#Quotes|Keep moving forward]].
:'''Lewis''': I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me.
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': And what if I can't fix this, what are we gonna do?
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say &quot;keep moving forward&quot;.
:'''Wilbur''': It's my dad's motto.
:'''Lewis''': Why would his motto be &quot;keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Wilbur''': It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. Robinson Industries, the world's leading scientific research and design factory. My dad runs the company. They mass produce his inventions. His motto, &quot;keep moving forward&quot;. It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What has he invented?
:'''Wilbur''': Everything. Carl, the time machine, the travel tubes.
:'''Lewis''': Your dad invented the time machine?
:'''Wilbur''': Yep. Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes! ''[shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]''
:'''Lewis''': That's a prototype?
:'''Wilbur''': The very first… Or, what's left of it.
:'''Lewis''': Yikes.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson house. Prototypes two and three, not much better. Number six, 58, 212, 485, 952, and they all end the same way. ''[shakes Lewis for emphasis]'' But he doesn't give up! ''[pauses; looks at the fruit hat]'' Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat. ''[Lewis is now wearing an average cap]'' He keeps working and working until finally, he gets it. The first working Time Machine. Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again. The second working time machine.
:'''Lewis''': Kind of small.
:'''Wilbur''': I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine #2… is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy. Pretty amazing story, huh?
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.
:'''Wilbur''': Now, are you ready to start working?
:'''Lewis''': I think that's it. I did it!
:'''Wilbur''': I knew you could. Nice work, my friend. ''[The time machines flies up, but then it's broken again]'' Well, you know what they say! &quot;Keep moving…&quot;
:'''Lewis''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' DON'T SAY IT! ''[sighs]''
:'''Franny''': ''Boys, dinner time.''
:'''Wilbur''': Not now, Mom.
:'''Franny''': If you aren't up here in five minutes, I'm gonna come down and get you.
:'''Wilbur''': We'd better get up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gaston''': And so it begins. Ready? Aim... FIRE! ''[fires a meatball at Franny in the cheek]''
:'''Franny''': Ha. Surely that is not the best you can do. ''[sound doesn't match her lips, like a poorly dubbed martial arts Japanese movie]''
:'''Gaston''': Impressive, little sister. Your skills are strong, but not strong enough.
:'''Franny''': Your words do not threaten me, brother.
:'''Gaston''': Then enough words. Now the real battle begins.
:'''Franny''': Your meatballs are useless against me.
:'''Gaston''': Then perhaps it's time for spicy Italian sausage.
:'''Franny''': ''[gasps]'' No! ''[After above scene]''
:'''Lewis''': Is dinner like this every night?
:'''Uncle Art''': No. Yesterday we had meatloaf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah, yes! You are now under my control!
:'''Frankie''': I am now under your control.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[laughs; Frankie does monotone laughing]'' Stop laughing!
:'''Frankie''': Stop laughing.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Don't repeat everything I say!
:'''Frankie''': I won't repeat everything you say.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Uh, did you just say &quot;excellent&quot; because I said &quot;excellent&quot;?!
:'''Frankie''': ''[lying to Bowler Hat Guy]'' Uh, no.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What's going on?! Why aren't you seizing the boy?!
:'''Dinosaur''': ''[in dinosaur language]'' I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. ''[Bowler Hat Guy is dumbfounded]'' Master?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franny''': Lewis. Lewis, look at me. You're… You're a great kid, and we would never do anything to hurt you, but I'm sorry. You have to go back to your own time.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, about that… um… one of the time machines is broken, and the other one was stolen by a guy with a bowler hat, which, uh, kind of explains the dino.
:'''Franny''': I'm calling your father.
:'''Lewis''': Wait. If I have to leave, can I at least go back and find my mom? Wilbur promised.
:'''Franny''': You promised what?
:'''Wilbur''': I was ''never'' gonna do it! I swear! ''[gasps and covers his mouth]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You ''lied'' to me?
:'''Wilbur''': No! ''[Short pauses; nervously]'' Yes. ''[Lewis grunts angrily and starts to storm off]'' Lewis! Lewis, wait!
:'''Lewis''': ''[enraged]'' I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe you were my friend! ''[resumes running far away]''
:'''Wilbur''': I ''am'' your friend!
:'''Franny''': ''[to Wilbur; disappointed]'' Mister, you're grounded till you die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[amused]'' You ''still'' haven't figured it out!
:'''Lewis''': Figured out what?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Let's see if this rings a bell - Father of the future, inventor extraordinaire, &quot;Keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Lewis''': That's not ''me'', that's Wilbur's dad! ''[Bowler Hat Guy stares at him expectantly. Lewis' eyes go wide in realization]'' Are you saying that… ''I'm'' Wilbur's… Dad?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, give the boy a prize! ''You'' grow up to be the founder of this wrenched time. So I plan to destroy your destiny! Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Wait. So, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Keep going...
:'''Lewis''': Uh, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[irritated]'' Yes, thank you, we've ''established'' that!
:'''Lewis''': But... What does it have to do with you?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Aha! Allow me to shed some light on the subject. ''[turns on light, revealing their old room]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[gasps]'' My old room!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I think you mean OUR old room.
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[removes his cloak, revealing his tiny, filthy Little League Baseball uniform]'' Yes! Yes, it is I, Mike Yagoobian!
:'''Lewis''': Ugh!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I know! I'm disgusting! But one learns to love it!
:'''Lewis''': How'd you end up like this?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship. ''[flashback to a Little League baseball game, Goob is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Goob fails to catch a ball headed his way; voice-over]'' A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me.
:'''Baseball player''': Get him!
:''[changes to Goob in the orphanage]''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': ''[outraged]'' If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me.
:'''Student 1''': Hey, Goob, what's up? Cool binder.
:'''Student 2''': Hey, Goob, want to come over to my house today?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except ''me''.
:'''Reporter''': Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Robinson reaches out to - Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing...
:''[30 years later]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' It was then that I realized it ''wasn't'' my fault. It was ''yours!'' If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch. So, I devised a brilliant plan to get revenge. ''[throwing eggs at Robinson Industries]'' Robinson, you ''STINK! [voice-over]'' Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met…''her.'' We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, ''you'' invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind. But Doris knew she was capable of so much more. ''[Doris takes control of the lab assistant]'' However, you didn't see her true potential. So you shut her down, or so you thought. ''[Doris breaks out of her holding cell]'' We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris' was… well, we went with Doris'. But I made a very, very important contribution. Together, we made the perfect team. ''[watches Wilbur entering the garage at the Robinson house through night-vision goggles]''
:'''Franny''': ''[off-screen]'' Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight or else the alarm won't engage.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, Mom. ''[leaves the garage, but forgot to lock the door]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door. ''[laughs evilly; end of flashback]'' And now all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.
:'''Lewis''': But you have no idea what that could do to this future!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I don't care! I just want to ruin your life!
:'''Lewis''': Goob, I had no idea!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Shut up! And don't call me &quot;Goob&quot;! How many evil villians do you know who can pull off a name like &quot;Goob&quot;? Bleh!
:'''Lewis''': Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad! But don't blame me, you messed it up yourself! You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past... and keep moving forward.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Hmm, let's see: take responsibility for my own life or blame you? ''[makes a bell sound and points his finger at Lewis]'' Blame you wins hands down! ''[laughs evilly]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': I bet you're glad to see me! ''[Lewis punches him]'' OW!
:'''Lewis''': That's for not lockin' the garage door!
:'''Wilbur''': Ah! ''[awkwardly]'' You know about that?!
:'''Lewis''': I know ''everything.''
:'''Wilbur''': You gotta admit, this'll be a ''great'' story to tell me someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[as Doris brings the Memory Scanner back]'' Take a good look around, boys, because your future is about to change. ''[heads to the past]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, you ''have'' to fix the time machine!
:'''Lewis''': No, no, I–I ''can't''! ''[In the past, the Bowler Hat Guy has entered Inventco]'' What about your dad?! You could call him! 
:'''Wilbur''': You ''are'' my dad!
:'''Lewis''': But that's in the future!
:'''Wilbur''': There won't ''be'' a future, unless you fix the time machine! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]'' Look, I messed up. I left the garage unlocked and I've tried like crazy to fix things... But now it's up to ''you''. ''[In the past, Bowler Hat guy is signing a contract]'' You can do it, Dad! ''[starts to vanish]'' Lewis? Lewis! ''[flys into the sky turns into a ball of light, flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]''
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur? Wilbur! Wilbur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[horrified after watching the memory of Doris taking over as Doris reveals herself]'' No. No, this can't be happening! No!
:'''Franny''': ''[under Doris' control along with the other Robinsons]'' Oh, Lewis, it's already happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why did I ''ever'' invent of the stupid hat?! ''[gets an idea]'' Take a good look around, Doris, 'cause your future's about to change. ''[heads to the past to stop Bowler Hat Guy as he finishes signing the petition with the Memory Scanner]'' Goob, stop! You don't know what you're doing!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[angrily]'' YES, I DO! I'm ruinin'  your future!
:'''Lewis''': She's using you, Goob, and when she gets what she wants, she'll get rid of you.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': What? What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[facing Doris; bravely]'' I am '''''never''''' going to invent you. ''[Doris vanishes]'' Come on, Goob. I've got to show you something.
:''[As Lewis and Bowler Hat Guys enter the future]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[hurt and betrayed, understanding that Doris was using him]'' Doris? I thought she was my friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': You did it, Lewis, you did it! ''[sees Bowler Hat Guy, gasps, and attacks him]'' I'll hold him while you run for help.
:'''Lewis''': ''[pries Wilbur off the Bowler Hat Guy and Wilbur is struggling to get free]'' Let him go!
:'''Wilbur''': Wh-what are you doing? He's the bad guy!
:'''Lewis''': No, he's not, he's my roommate.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[pulls Wilbur aside]'' He's my old roommate, and I really think you guys should adopt him.
:'''Wilbur''': Are you nuts?
:'''Lewis''': Give me a good reason why not.
:'''Wilbur''': I'll give you three good reasons. He stole our time machine, tried to ruin your future, and he smells like he hasn't showered in 30 years!
:'''Lewis''': ''[grabs Wilbur by the ear; whispering sternly]'' May I remind you, I'm your father, and you have to do what I say.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, Mr. Yagoobian, do you want to be a Robinson? ''[turns to see that Future Goob has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen]'' Where'd he go?
:'''Lewis''': Goob? Goob! Goob.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cornelius (Future Lewis)''': ''[in the garage]'' Franny, they're gone! Oh, this is terrible!
:'''Franny''': Oh, boy...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, he's home early!
:'''Cornelius''': Franny, where are you?! ''[runs out to the rest of his family]'' The time machines are ''gone''! ''[sees Lewis]'' Oh, oh! ''[Lewis waves awkwardly at Cornelius, who does the same thing, before looking questioningly at everyone else; Wilbur tries to make his escape, but Franny grabs him by the arm and points to him; gives him an unimpressed look]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[disappointed]'' Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Have a safe trip, little Lewis.
:'''Lewis''': I will.
:'''Carl''': Hey, while I got you here, just a couple of little suggestions regarding my design.
:'''Lewis''': Let's face it, these skinny limbs don't exactly make the teapot whistle.
:'''Carl''': All that really matters is, hey, don't forget to invent me.
:'''Lewis''': Are you kidding? No way!
:'''Carl''': I love you.
:'''Lewis''': There's so many things I wish I could ask you.
:'''Wilbur''': Excuse me. Time travel now, questions later.
:'''Lewis''': But I...
:'''Lucille''': Don't worry. Just get back to that science fair, and we'll see you real soon.
:'''Lewis''': Oh, right. Right, okay, I will. Bye!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Goodbye, son!
:'''Lewis''': Thanks again for everything!
:'''Franny''': Wait! Lewis, one more thing.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah?
:'''Franny''': Just a little tip for the future. I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
:'''Cornelius''': She's right. I'd just go with it if I were you. And I am.
:'''Lewis''': Then you're absolutely right. ''[Wilbur honks the horn]'' All right, I'm coming.
:'''Wilbur''': Well, it's not like you're never gonna see them again. They are your family, after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wait a minute. You're supposed to take me back to the science fair.
:'''Wilbur''': I know.
:'''Lewis''': Well, I think you punched in the wrong numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': We agreed that, if you fixed the time machine, I'd take you back to see your mom.
:'''Lewis''': What?
:'''Wilbur''': A deal's a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lewis and Wilbur return to the past after Lewis decided to let his mother go, because he knows he already has a family]'' 
:'''Wilbur''': I don't get it. Why'd you just let her go?
:'''Lewis''': Because… I already have a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bud''': Pleased to meet you… but you don't ''look'' like a &quot;Lewis&quot;. You look more like…
:'''Lewis''': &quot;Cornelius&quot;. I get that a lot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': Over here? There he is. Kid, we'd like to get a story on you for the local paper. You've got a bright future ahead of you.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.

== About Meet the Robinsons ==
* &lt;p&gt;So we had some different challenges: we had skin texture we had to work out, we had to grow hair off of characters' heads and we had to find an animation style that was still fun and loose and had some caricature to it, but could portray humans in a believable way. The Incredibles was a definite inspiration for this. It was eye-popping to me, and certainly part of my education in 3D and how to do character animation with all of its subtleties.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;One really interesting technique that we used is occlusion. It creates shadows based on the proximity of one object to another. It's a way to avoid that glowy feel that computer animation has or the way mouths look like they're illuminated from inside. Occlusion, because it's a closed space in there, will darken that mouth immediately. Then when we add our texture and lighting on top of that, you have a bit more real look to the images you're creating. It's that extra layer of believability that computer animation is so great at.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[w:Stephen J. Anderson|Steve Anderson]] [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/meet-robinsons-keep-moving-forward-disney 'Meet The Robinsons': Keep Moving Forward at Disney], ''Animation World Network'', 30 March 2007

* You could see it in the animation of 2008's Bolt, the first film Lasseter and Catmull touched: The characters were more visually appealing, more believable, funnier than the characters in Disney's previous film, Meet the Robinsons. And crucially, the acting was more nuanced: The characters didn't feel like caricatures.
:* Caitlin Roper, Wired [Roper, Caitlin (October 21, 2014). &quot;Big Hero 6 Proves It: Pixar's Gurus Have Brought the Magic Back to Disney Animation&quot;. Wired. Condé Nast.]

==See Also==

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:Animated films about time travel]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about orphans]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Meet the Robinsons|Meet the Robinsons]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007]] [[w:CGI|CGI-animated]] family film produced by Walt Disney Pictures about an inventive orphan boy named Lewis, whose world is changed when a boy named Wilbur takes him on a trip to the future to meet his family, the Robinsons.
:''Directed by [[w:Stephen Anderson (artist)|Stephen Anderson]]. Written by [[w:Don Hall (filmmaker)|Don Hall]] and [[w:Nathan Greno|Nathan Greno]].''
{{center|'''If you think your family's different, wait 'til you meet the family of the future.'''}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[Lewis is being interviewed by the Harringtons for adoption]''
:'''Lewis''': I mean, there's so many things in the world that can be improved. Just think of it. Moving sidewalks, flying cars. The possibilities are endless.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Flying cars? Yeah, that's a good one.
:'''Lewis''': All it takes is some imagination and a little science, and we can make the world a better place.
:'''Mr. Harrington''': Well, these are all interesting ideas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy there at Inventco Labs, and we're just so excited to have you as a judge.
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know. One of your students may invent the next integrated circuit, microprocessor, or integrated circuit. ''[stops Mr. Willerstein, realizing something]'' Oh, wait! I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of that lab very much. ''[looks down at Mr. Willerstein's bow tie he's wearing]'' Is that a bow tie? I like bow ties. I haven't slept in 8 days!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Well, can I offer you a cot?
:'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': Nope. ''[places a sticker with a picture of a coffee mug on Mr. Willerstein's forehead]'' I've got the caffeine patch. I invented it myself. One patch is the equivalent to twelve cups of coffee. You can stay awake for days with no side effects. ''[screams, scaring Mr. Willerstein]'' Sorry. Who's that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Okay, next up is Lizzy and her fire ant farm.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' That's right.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Lizzy, we talked about the fire ants. You know that they have a tendency to bite people.
:'''Lizzy''': ''[monotone]'' Only my enemies.
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': Keep moving, shall we? Top-notch, Lizzy! Let's not anger her, or make her jumpy in any way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[clears throat]'' Have you ever forgotten something, and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember it? Well, what happens to these forgotten memories? I propose they're stored somewhere in your brain, and I built a machine that can retrieve them. I call it… the Memory Scanner! ''[pulls off the blanket, revealing his invention]''
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': It's shiny!
:'''Mr. Willerstein''': So, Lewis, how does the Memory Scanner work?
:'''Lewis''': (Simple.) First, you input the desired period of time on this keypad. Then, a laser scans the cerebral cortex where memories are stored. The retrieved memory is then displayed on this monitor.
:'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': Wrap him up. I'll take two.
:'''Lewis''': Now, I'm going back twelve years, three months and eleven days. ''[inputs the desired time period on the keypad]''
:'''Coach''': Why that particular day? You didn't think I was paying attention, did you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, that was the day… Let's just say that was a very important day of my life.
:'''Coach''': Fair enough. Play ball.
:'''Lewis''': ''[starting up his invention]'' It'll just take a second to get the turbines going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Would you quit that, please? I know you're not a pigeon.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[quickly covers Lewis' mouth]'' You're blowing my cover!
:'''Lewis''': We're the only ones up here.
:'''Wilbur''': That's just what they want you to think. Now, enough moping. Take this back to the science fair and fix that Memory Scanner.
:'''Lewis''': Stop! Stop! Get away from me!
:'''Wilbur''': Maybe you've forgotten, I'm a time cop from the future. It should be taken very seriously.
:'''Lewis''': ''[swipes the &quot;badge&quot; out of Wilbur's hand]'' That's no badge. This is a coupon for a tanning salon! You're a fake.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, you got me. I'm not a cop, but I really am from the future, and there really is this Bowler Hat Guy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[groans]'' Here we go again.
:'''Wilbur''': He stole a time machine, came to the science fair, and ruined your project!
:'''Lewis''': My project didn't work because I'm no good. There is no Bowler Hat Guy, there is no time machine, and you're not from the future! YOU'RE CRAZY!
:'''Wilbur''': ''[exclaiming]'' I am not crazy!
:'''Lewis''': Oh, yeah, Captain Time Travel? Prove it. 
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just gonna lock myself in my room and hide under the covers for a couple years.
:'''Wilbur''': If I prove to you I'm from the future, will you go back to the Science Fair?
:'''Lewis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure, whatever you say. ''[Wilbur takes that as a &quot;yes&quot; and pushes him to the edge of the roof]'' Hey, let go of me! What are you doing, let go of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Okay! ''[pushes Lewis off the roof]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[screaming; stops in midair, continues screaming; Wilbur presses a button and a time machine appears]'' What is this?! Where are we going?!
:'''Wilbur''': To the future!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur, this is a Time Machine! Why should I fix my dumb invention when you can take me to see mom, now, in this ship?
:'''Wilbur''': Uh… um…
:'''Lewis''': I could actually go back to that night and stop her from giving me up.
:'''Wilbur''': The answer is not a time machine. ''[holds up the drawing of the Memory Scanner]'' It's this!
:'''Lewis''': ''This?'' You want to know what I think about this? ''[rips up the drawing]''
:'''Wilbur''': What are you doing?!
:'''Lewis''': I'm sorry, Wilbur. ''[moves up to take the wheel]'' You don't know what I've lived through.
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, no!
:'''Lewis''': Let go!
:'''Wilbur''': You let go!
:'''Lewis''': You're not the boss of me!
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, I am! 'Cause you're 12 and I'm 13! ''That'' makes me older!
:'''Lewis''': Well, I was born in the past, which makes me older and the boss of ''you! [accidentally rips off the steering wheel]''
:''[The Time Machine crashes into a building, damaging one of its wings; Lewis and Wilbur scream while bracing for impact and they crash into a green hill outside the city]''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[holds up the steering wheel]'' I am ''so'' dead. I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me, and I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!
:'''Lewis''': Isn't there, like, a Time Machine Repair Shop, or something?
:'''Wilbur''': No! There's only '''two''' Time Machines in existence, and the Bowler Hat Guy has the other one!
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''somebody's'' gonna have to fix this.
:'''Wilbur''': Good idea! ''[pulls Lewis over to the broken time machine]'' You're smart, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[speechless]'' Are you crazy?! I can't fix this thing.
:'''Wilbur''': Yes, you can. You broke it, you fix it.
:'''Lewis''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Alright, under ''one'' condition. I fix it, ''you'' take me back to see my mom.
:'''Wilbur''': What?! You didn't even follow through on our last deal! How can I trust you?
:'''Lewis''': Well, ''you'' told me you were a Time-Cop from the future! How can ''I'' trust ''you?''
:'''Wilbur''': ''[Long pausez]'' Touchie!
:'''Lewis''': So do we have a deal?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The screen reads &quot;Watch out!&quot;]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Watch out! ''[the Memory Scanner crashes on him]'' Doris, it's all over! All our hopes and dreams dashed, like so many pieces of a broken machine thing.
:''[Doris squeaks]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': You're right! Success is still ours for the taking! We must find that boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carl runs away screaming upon seeing Lewis]''
:'''Lewis''': Well. That was unexpected. ''[Wilbur quickly slams a [[w:Fruit hat|fruit hat]] on Lewis' head]'' As was that.
:'''Wilbur''': If my family finds out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive, and dance on my grave. I'm ''not'' exaggerating! Well... Yes, I am, but not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway!
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question! ''[runs off]''
:'''Lewis''': Wait, where are you going?
:'''Wilbur''': Another excellent question! ''[runs under the travel tube and is sucked up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Spike''': Hey, ring my doorbell.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': No, no, no, no, ring my doorbell. Ring it! Ring it! Ring it! Look at this doorbell! Ring it! Yes!
:'''Uncle Spike''': Uh... That was accidental. That's an accidental ring. It doesn't count. It's in the rule book. Look it up.  
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Flat head.
:'''Uncle Spike''': Short roots.
:'''Uncle Dimitri''': Evergreen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': What do you mean, don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family in this time of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen, and now the entire time stream could be altered! That and someone took my bike.
:'''Wilbur''': Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out. First, we keep Lewis in the garage away from everybody. I show up and give him the pep talk of the century. Then he fixes the time machine.
:'''Carl''': Why is it an acorn?
:'''Wilbur''': I didn't have time to sculpt everything. Okay, now, the time machine is fixed. His confidence in inventing is restored. He goes back to the science fair, fixes his Memory Scanner, thus restoring the space-time continuum.
:'''Carl''': What about taking him back to see his mom?
:'''Wilbur''': I just told him that to buy some time.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face.
:'''Wilbur''': Trust me. I got it under control. Wilbur Robinson never fails. But on the slight chance that I do...
:'''Carl''': &quot;On the slight chance,&quot; yeah. You know what? I'll run the numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': What is it?
:'''Carl''': Well, it's not. It doesn't pertain to anything in. You know, there's not necessarily, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Carl''': And I didn't want to tell you, but I did.
:'''Wilbur''': I won't exist?
:'''Carl''': And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner.
:'''Wilbur''': What am I worried about? Now, blueprints?
:'''Carl''': If this thing ever blows over, I really gotta get away from you and get some quiet time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Bud''': What's happening?! Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Well, hey, there, little fella! Now, I know what you're thinking, and my clothes are not on backwards. My head is! ''[laughing]'' Oh, I used to tell that one to my science students. They didn't laugh, either. Anywho, what's your name, fruit-head?
:'''Lewis''': Well, Lewis, but...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Lewis, huh? Well, say, Lewis, you haven't seen any teeth around here, have you?
:'''Lewis''': Teeth?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Yeah, my teeth. ''[Lewis exclaims in disgust]'' Been digging holes all day. Can't find them anywhere.
:'''Lewis''': All right, look, old man, I need to get back to the garage. Wilbur left me down there, and I wasn't supposed to leave, and these monsters attacked me on the porch and...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Monsters? There's no monsters on the porch, you ninny. 
:'''Lewis''': Listen to me!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Of course, I also didn't think there was a woodchuck living on my arm, and lookie there! Hope he ain't got rabies.
:'''Lewis''': Old man, I need to get to the garage!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, sure, I'll get you there in a jiffy. I know a shortcut! Welcome to the garage! Well, I'm completely lost.
:'''Aunt Billie''': Hiya, Grandpa!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Hey, Aunt Billie. Lewis and I are looking for the garage.
:'''Gaston''': We have a garage?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tallulah''': Laszlo, you stop painting my hat, or I'm telling Ma!
:'''Laszlo''': Ah, lighten up, sis.
:'''Tallulah''': Lasz, I mean it!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': Children, please! Your mother is trying to take a nap.
:'''Aunt Petunia''': What is all the yelling out here?!
:'''Tallulah''': ''[in unison]'' He started it!
:'''Laszlo''': ''[in unison]'' She started it!
:'''Aunt Petunia''': I don't want to hear any more!
:'''Uncle Fritz''': ''[nervously]'' Now, sweetie…
:'''Aunt Petunia''': ''[violently slaps him in the face]'' Don't you &quot;sweetie&quot; me! I'm going for a drive. ''[the sound of a car roars away]''
:'''Grandpa Bud''': That's strange. She usually takes the Harley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why is your dog wearing glasses?
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Right. Well, glad I could help with the teeth, but, wow, look at the time. ''[starts to run and bumps into Wilbur]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, I told you to stay in the garage!
:'''Lewis''': I did, but I went up the tube, and I ran into your family and I–
:'''Wilbur''': ''[panicked noise]'' '''''You met my family?!''''' ''[grabs Lewis by the ear and drags away into a dark room]'' Pop quiz. Who have you met, and what have you learned?
:'''Lewis''': Okay. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she…? ''[makes hand-puppet gesture]''
:'''Wilbur''': Cranky? Yes.
:'''Lewis''': Tallulah and Lazslo are their children, Joe is married to Billie, Lefty is the butler, Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to.
:'''Wilbur''': Neither do we. Go on.
:'''Lewis''': Lucille is married to Bud, and your dad, Cornelius, is their son. ''[pause; curious]'' What does Cornelius look like?
:'''Wilbur''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]].
:'''Lewis''': ''[beat]'' Okay, Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art.
:'''Wilbur''': You're forgetting something.
:'''Lewis''': Forgetting-? Oh, right! Wilbur is the son of Franny and Cornelius.
:'''Wilbur''': And nobody realized that you were from the past?
:'''Lewis''': Nope. ''[Wilbur sighs with relief]'' Thank you, thank you! Hold your applause, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Doris open the window. Bowler Hat guy giggles and shut window on nose]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Doris, get it off! Get it off! Oh! I got you now! '''''LEWIS!'''''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': No, Lewis is my stupid roommate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[to Wilbur while fixing the time machine]'' I don't even know what I'm doing.
:'''Wilbur''': [[Walt Disney#Quotes|Keep moving forward]].
:'''Lewis''': I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me.
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': And what if I can't fix this, what are we gonna do?
:'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward.
:'''Lewis''': Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say &quot;keep moving forward&quot;.
:'''Wilbur''': It's my dad's motto.
:'''Lewis''': Why would his motto be &quot;keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Wilbur''': It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. Robinson Industries, the world's leading scientific research and design factory. My dad runs the company. They mass produce his inventions. His motto, &quot;keep moving forward&quot;. It's what he does.
:'''Lewis''': What has he invented?
:'''Wilbur''': Everything. Carl, the time machine, the travel tubes.
:'''Lewis''': Your dad invented the time machine?
:'''Wilbur''': Yep. Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes! ''[shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]''
:'''Lewis''': That's a prototype?
:'''Wilbur''': The very first… Or, what's left of it.
:'''Lewis''': Yikes.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson house. Prototypes two and three, not much better. Number six, 58, 212, 485, 952, and they all end the same way. ''[shakes Lewis for emphasis]'' But he doesn't give up! ''[pauses; looks at the fruit hat]'' Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat. ''[Lewis is now wearing an average cap]'' He keeps working and working until finally, he gets it. The first working Time Machine. Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again. The second working time machine.
:'''Lewis''': Kind of small.
:'''Wilbur''': I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine #2… is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy. Pretty amazing story, huh?
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.
:'''Wilbur''': Now, are you ready to start working?
:'''Lewis''': I think that's it. I did it!
:'''Wilbur''': I knew you could. Nice work, my friend. ''[The time machines flies up, but then it's broken again]'' Well, you know what they say! &quot;Keep moving…&quot;
:'''Lewis''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' DON'T SAY IT! ''[sighs]''
:'''Franny''': ''Boys, dinner time.''
:'''Wilbur''': Not now, Mom.
:'''Franny''': If you aren't up here in five minutes, I'm gonna come down and get you.
:'''Wilbur''': We'd better get up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gaston''': And so it begins. Ready? Aim... FIRE! ''[fires a meatball at Franny in the cheek]''
:'''Franny''': Ha. Surely that is not the best you can do. ''[sound doesn't match her lips, like a poorly dubbed martial arts Japanese movie]''
:'''Gaston''': Impressive, little sister. Your skills are strong, but not strong enough.
:'''Franny''': Your words do not threaten me, brother.
:'''Gaston''': Then enough words. Now the real battle begins.
:'''Franny''': Your meatballs are useless against me.
:'''Gaston''': Then perhaps it's time for spicy Italian sausage.
:'''Franny''': ''[gasps]'' No! ''[After above scene]''
:'''Lewis''': Is dinner like this every night?
:'''Uncle Art''': No. Yesterday we had meatloaf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah, yes! You are now under my control!
:'''Frankie''': I am now under your control.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[laughs; Frankie does monotone laughing]'' Stop laughing!
:'''Frankie''': Stop laughing.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Don't repeat everything I say!
:'''Frankie''': I won't repeat everything you say.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Uh, did you just say &quot;excellent&quot; because I said &quot;excellent&quot;?!
:'''Frankie''': ''[lying to Bowler Hat Guy]'' Uh, no.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent!
:'''Frankie''': Excellent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What's going on?! Why aren't you seizing the boy?!
:'''Dinosaur''': ''[in dinosaur language]'' I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. ''[Bowler Hat Guy is dumbfounded]'' Master?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Franny''': Lewis. Lewis, look at me. You're… You're a great kid, and we would never do anything to hurt you, but I'm sorry. You have to go back to your own time.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, about that… um… one of the time machines is broken, and the other one was stolen by a guy with a bowler hat, which, uh, kind of explains the dino.
:'''Franny''': I'm calling your father.
:'''Lewis''': Wait. If I have to leave, can I at least go back and find my mom? Wilbur promised.
:'''Franny''': You promised what?
:'''Wilbur''': I was ''never'' gonna do it! I swear! ''[gasps and covers his mouth]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You ''lied'' to me?
:'''Wilbur''': No! ''[Short pauses; nervously]'' Yes. ''[Lewis grunts angrily and starts to storm off]'' Lewis! Lewis, wait!
:'''Lewis''': ''[enraged]'' I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe you were my friend! ''[resumes running far away]''
:'''Wilbur''': I ''am'' your friend!
:'''Franny''': ''[to Wilbur; disappointed]'' Mister, you're grounded till you die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[amused]'' You ''still'' haven't figured it out!
:'''Lewis''': Figured out what?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Let's see if this rings a bell - Father of the future, inventor extraordinaire, &quot;Keep moving forward&quot;?
:'''Lewis''': That's not ''me'', that's Wilbur's dad! ''[Bowler Hat Guy stares at him expectantly. Lewis' eyes go wide in realization]'' Are you saying that… ''I'm'' Wilbur's… Dad?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, give the boy a prize! ''You'' grow up to be the founder of this wrenched time. So I plan to destroy your destiny! Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy!
:'''Lewis''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Wait. So, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Keep going...
:'''Lewis''': Uh, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''...
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[irritated]'' Yes, thank you, we've ''established'' that!
:'''Lewis''': But... What does it have to do with you?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Aha! Allow me to shed some light on the subject. ''[turns on light, revealing their old room]''
:'''Lewis''': ''[gasps]'' My old room!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I think you mean OUR old room.
:'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[removes his cloak, revealing his tiny, filthy Little League Baseball uniform]'' Yes! Yes, it is I, Mike Yagoobian!
:'''Lewis''': Ugh!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I know! I'm disgusting! But one learns to love it!
:'''Lewis''': How'd you end up like this?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship. ''[flashback to a Little League baseball game, Goob is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Goob fails to catch a ball headed his way; voice-over]'' A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me.
:'''Baseball player''': Get him!
:''[changes to Goob in the orphanage]''
:'''Mike &quot;Goob&quot; Yagoobian''': ''[outraged]'' If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me.
:'''Student 1''': Hey, Goob, what's up? Cool binder.
:'''Student 2''': Hey, Goob, want to come over to my house today?
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except ''me''.
:'''Reporter''': Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Robinson reaches out to - Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing...
:''[30 years later]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[voice-over]'' It was then that I realized it ''wasn't'' my fault. It was ''yours!'' If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch. So, I devised a brilliant plan to get revenge. ''[throwing eggs at Robinson Industries]'' Robinson, you ''STINK! [voice-over]'' Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met…''her.'' We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, ''you'' invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind. But Doris knew she was capable of so much more. ''[Doris takes control of the lab assistant]'' However, you didn't see her true potential. So you shut her down, or so you thought. ''[Doris breaks out of her holding cell]'' We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris' was… well, we went with Doris'. But I made a very, very important contribution. Together, we made the perfect team. ''[watches Wilbur entering the garage at the Robinson house through night-vision goggles]''
:'''Franny''': ''[off-screen]'' Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight or else the alarm won't engage.
:'''Wilbur''': Yeah, Mom. ''[leaves the garage, but forgot to lock the door]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door. ''[laughs evilly; end of flashback]'' And now all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.
:'''Lewis''': But you have no idea what that could do to this future!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I don't care! I just want to ruin your life!
:'''Lewis''': Goob, I had no idea!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Shut up! And don't call me &quot;Goob&quot;! How many evil villians do you know who can pull off a name like &quot;Goob&quot;? Bleh!
:'''Lewis''': Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad! But don't blame me, you messed it up yourself! You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past... and keep moving forward.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Hmm, let's see: take responsibility for my own life or blame you? ''[makes a bell sound and points his finger at Lewis]'' Blame you wins hands down! ''[laughs evilly]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': I bet you're glad to see me! ''[Lewis punches him]'' OW!
:'''Lewis''': That's for not lockin' the garage door!
:'''Wilbur''': Ah! ''[awkwardly]'' You know about that?!
:'''Lewis''': I know ''everything.''
:'''Wilbur''': You gotta admit, this'll be a ''great'' story to tell me someday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[as Doris brings the Memory Scanner back]'' Take a good look around, boys, because your future is about to change. ''[heads to the past]''
:'''Wilbur''': Lewis, you ''have'' to fix the time machine!
:'''Lewis''': No, no, I–I ''can't''! ''[In the past, the Bowler Hat Guy has entered Inventco]'' What about your dad?! You could call him! 
:'''Wilbur''': You ''are'' my dad!
:'''Lewis''': But that's in the future!
:'''Wilbur''': There won't ''be'' a future, unless you fix the time machine! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]'' Look, I messed up. I left the garage unlocked and I've tried like crazy to fix things... But now it's up to ''you''. ''[In the past, Bowler Hat guy is signing a contract]'' You can do it, Dad! ''[starts to vanish]'' Lewis? Lewis! ''[flys into the sky turns into a ball of light, flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]''
:'''Lewis''': Wilbur? Wilbur! Wilbur.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': ''[horrified after watching the memory of Doris taking over as Doris reveals herself]'' No. No, this can't be happening! No!
:'''Franny''': ''[under Doris' control along with the other Robinsons]'' Oh, Lewis, it's already happened.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Why did I ''ever'' invent of the stupid hat?! ''[gets an idea]'' Take a good look around, Doris, 'cause your future's about to change. ''[heads to the past to stop Bowler Hat Guy as he finishes signing the petition with the Memory Scanner]'' Goob, stop! You don't know what you're doing!
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[angrily]'' YES, I DO! I'm ruinin'  your future!
:'''Lewis''': She's using you, Goob, and when she gets what she wants, she'll get rid of you.
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': What? What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[facing Doris; bravely]'' I am '''''never''''' going to invent you. ''[Doris vanishes]'' Come on, Goob. I've got to show you something.
:''[As Lewis and Bowler Hat Guys enter the future]''
:'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[hurt and betrayed, understanding that Doris was using him]'' Doris? I thought she was my friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilbur''': You did it, Lewis, you did it! ''[sees Bowler Hat Guy, gasps, and attacks him]'' I'll hold him while you run for help.
:'''Lewis''': ''[pries Wilbur off the Bowler Hat Guy and Wilbur is struggling to get free]'' Let him go!
:'''Wilbur''': Wh-what are you doing? He's the bad guy!
:'''Lewis''': No, he's not, he's my roommate.
:'''Wilbur''': What?
:'''Lewis''': ''[pulls Wilbur aside]'' He's my old roommate, and I really think you guys should adopt him.
:'''Wilbur''': Are you nuts?
:'''Lewis''': Give me a good reason why not.
:'''Wilbur''': I'll give you three good reasons. He stole our time machine, tried to ruin your future, and he smells like he hasn't showered in 30 years!
:'''Lewis''': ''[grabs Wilbur by the ear; whispering sternly]'' May I remind you, I'm your father, and you have to do what I say.
:'''Wilbur''': Okay, Mr. Yagoobian, do you want to be a Robinson? ''[turns to see that Future Goob has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen]'' Where'd he go?
:'''Lewis''': Goob? Goob! Goob.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cornelius (Future Lewis)''': ''[in the garage]'' Franny, they're gone! Oh, this is terrible!
:'''Franny''': Oh, boy...
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, he's home early!
:'''Cornelius''': Franny, where are you?! ''[runs out to the rest of his family]'' The time machines are ''gone''! ''[sees Lewis]'' Oh, oh! ''[Lewis waves awkwardly at Cornelius, who does the same thing, before looking questioningly at everyone else; Wilbur tries to make his escape, but Franny grabs hold of him by the arm and points to him; gives him an unimpressed look]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''Wilbur''': ''[disappointed, knowing he's in a lot of trouble]'' Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Have a safe trip, little Lewis.
:'''Lewis''': I will.
:'''Carl''': Hey, while I got you here, just a couple of little suggestions regarding my design.
:'''Lewis''': Let's face it, these skinny limbs don't exactly make the teapot whistle.
:'''Carl''': All that really matters is, hey, don't forget to invent me.
:'''Lewis''': Are you kidding? No way!
:'''Carl''': I love you.
:'''Lewis''': There's so many things I wish I could ask you.
:'''Wilbur''': Excuse me. Time travel now, questions later.
:'''Lewis''': But I...
:'''Lucille''': Don't worry. Just get back to that science fair, and we'll see you real soon.
:'''Lewis''': Oh, right. Right, okay, I will. Bye!
:'''Grandpa Bud''': Goodbye, son!
:'''Lewis''': Thanks again for everything!
:'''Franny''': Wait! Lewis, one more thing.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah?
:'''Franny''': Just a little tip for the future. I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
:'''Cornelius''': She's right. I'd just go with it if I were you. And I am.
:'''Lewis''': Then you're absolutely right. ''[Wilbur honks the horn]'' All right, I'm coming.
:'''Wilbur''': Well, it's not like you're never gonna see them again. They are your family, after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lewis''': Wait a minute. You're supposed to take me back to the science fair.
:'''Wilbur''': I know.
:'''Lewis''': Well, I think you punched in the wrong numbers.
:'''Wilbur''': We agreed that, if you fixed the time machine, I'd take you back to see your mom.
:'''Lewis''': What?
:'''Wilbur''': A deal's a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lewis and Wilbur return to the past after Lewis decided to let his mother go, because he knows he already has a family]'' 
:'''Wilbur''': I don't get it. Why'd you just let her go?
:'''Lewis''': Because… I already have a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bud''': Pleased to meet you… but you don't ''look'' like a &quot;Lewis&quot;. You look more like…
:'''Lewis''': &quot;Cornelius&quot;. I get that a lot. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Man''': Over here? There he is. Kid, we'd like to get a story on you for the local paper. You've got a bright future ahead of you.
:'''Lewis''': Yeah.

== About Meet the Robinsons ==
* &lt;p&gt;So we had some different challenges: we had skin texture we had to work out, we had to grow hair off of characters' heads and we had to find an animation style that was still fun and loose and had some caricature to it, but could portray humans in a believable way. The Incredibles was a definite inspiration for this. It was eye-popping to me, and certainly part of my education in 3D and how to do character animation with all of its subtleties.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;One really interesting technique that we used is occlusion. It creates shadows based on the proximity of one object to another. It's a way to avoid that glowy feel that computer animation has or the way mouths look like they're illuminated from inside. Occlusion, because it's a closed space in there, will darken that mouth immediately. Then when we add our texture and lighting on top of that, you have a bit more real look to the images you're creating. It's that extra layer of believability that computer animation is so great at.&lt;/p&gt;
**[[w:Stephen J. Anderson|Steve Anderson]] [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/meet-robinsons-keep-moving-forward-disney 'Meet The Robinsons': Keep Moving Forward at Disney], ''Animation World Network'', 30 March 2007

* You could see it in the animation of 2008's Bolt, the first film Lasseter and Catmull touched: The characters were more visually appealing, more believable, funnier than the characters in Disney's previous film, Meet the Robinsons. And crucially, the acting was more nuanced: The characters didn't feel like caricatures.
:* Caitlin Roper, Wired [Roper, Caitlin (October 21, 2014). &quot;Big Hero 6 Proves It: Pixar's Gurus Have Brought the Magic Back to Disney Animation&quot;. Wired. Condé Nast.]

==See Also==

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:Animated films about time travel]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about orphans]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''''' is a [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] animated series about the mischievous adventures of 6 children during recess, when the children form their own structured society. It spawned the films [[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]], [[w:Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade|Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade]], and [[w:Recess: All Growed Down|Recess: All Growed Down]].

== Season 1 ==
===''The Break In'' [1.1a] ===
:'''TJ''': Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': ''[Talking about T.J.]'' Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?
:'''The head kindergartner''': Let's eat 'em!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.
:'''Spinelli''': He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kid next to King Bob''': My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

===''The New Kid'' [1.1b] ===
:'''Mikey''': There are lots of people without names.
:'''Gus''': Like who?
:'''Mikey''': Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''': I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

===''The Experiment'' [1.2a] ===
:'''Butch''': The future... is ''girls''! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! ''[laughs diabolically]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?
:'''Gretchen''': Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!
:'''T.J.''': But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.
:'''Gretchen''': Which explains the D minus you got in Science. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Spinelli and T.J. kiss]''
:'''Spinelli''': Ack! Puke city!
:'''T.J.''': Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': You realize we may have to get married after this.
:'''Spinelli''': You realize I may have to kill you after this.

===''The Great Jungle Gym Standoff'' [1.2b] ===
:'''Spinelli''': The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!
:'''Randall''': Hey! That's ''my'' job!

===''Jinxed'' [1.3a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?
:'''Gus''': Adult animals?
:'''Spinelli''': Nothing, that's what!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''':Its My Harmonica!
:'''Ashleys''':Your What?
:'''Gus''':Its My...
:'''Ashleys''':Harmonica! Jinx!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Hey! One of you drop five bucks?
:'''Ashleys''': Oooo...
:'''T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey''': Scandalous! Jinx!

===''Officer Mikey'' [1.3b] ===
:''[looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney]''
:'''Spinelli''': We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. :''[four Kindergartners come forward]'' Er... Britney A.

===''First Name Ashley'' [1.4a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': We're all Ashleys, too.
:'''Ashley A''': But, you aren't even girls!
:'''Gus''': Hey, it's the nineties.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': There are a lot of Ashleys out there, but there's only one Spinelli.

===''To Finster With Love'' [1.4b] ===
:'''Finster''': ''[reading out grades]'' A… A… A… Ah, Randall, my trusted spy. A plus! A… A… A… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': F… F… F… Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy. The only kid around here I can count on. Ah, he's done so much for me. Hmm… D minus. F… F… F… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hank the Janitor''': Do you hear music?
:'''Finster''': Whenever I look at you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Ms. Finster?
:'''Finster''': Yes, Detwiler?
:'''T.J.''': ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?
:'''Finster''': Why, you little HOOLIGAN! ''[Runs after T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': She's back!

===''King Gus'' [1.5a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[singing]'' Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Madness! Madness!

===''Big Brother Chad'' [1.5b] ===
:'''Kindergartener''': Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chucko''': Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next!

===''My Fair Gretchen'' [1.6a] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': I think what Miss Finster's trying to say is, every year we give the fourth graders this little standardized test. You get a whole 45 minutes. It's not for a grade, so there's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Miss Finster''': You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

===''Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye'' [1.6b] ===
:'''King Bob''': Digging a hole in sixth-grade territory? How dare you! Take them to the dodgeball wall!

===''I Will Kick No More Forever'' [1.7a] ===
:'''Vince''': ''[watching an old video of himself]'' Man, did you see that kick? That was in my prime!
:'''Gretchen''': Vince, that was 2 weeks ago. 

===''The Kid Came Back'' [1.7b] ===
:''[Peanut Butter Kid leaves them with his sandwich]''
:'''Mikey''': This is all we have to remember him by.

===''The Pest'' [1.8a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': ''[as Jeffery pokes her in the back with a pencil]'' Quit it, Jeffery!
:'''Jefferey''': ''[innocently]'' Quit what?
:'''Gretchen''': You know, just quit it!

===''The Legend of Big Kid'' [1.8b] ===

===''The Box'' [1.9a] ===

===''The Trial'' [1.9b] ===
:'''King Bob''': ''[to Randall]'' You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. ''[Spinelli's eyes flush]''

===''Teachers Lounge'' [1.10a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[telling a joke]'' So then I say to the superintendent, &quot;That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!&quot;

===''Randall's Reform'' [1.10b] ===
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' I did it. Signed, T.J.?
:'''Finster''': AHA, a confession!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
:'''T.J.''': But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

===''Rainy Days'' [1.11a] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': Recess has been cancelled.
:'''Vince''': Cancelled? But why?
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[opens the door]'' Rain.
:''[Outside is shows rain pouring down from the dark clouds and thunder and lightning strikes]''
:'''Mikey''': The horror! The horror!

===''The Great Can Drive'' [1.11b] ===
:''[Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention]''
:'''Mikey''': Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?
:'''T.J.''': There's only one thing ''to'' say. Give me that can!
:''[The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid]''
:'''Mr. Prickly''': The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!
:''[The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over]''
:'''Ms. Finkelstein''': Look out, she's gonna blow!
:''[Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off]''
:'''Mikey''': Look what you've all done! Now ''nobody's'' gonna have a good Thanksgiving!
:''[The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did]''

===''The Voice'' [1.12a] ===

===''Kids in the Mist'' [1.12b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Old video out... new video in. ''[laughs manically; then starts gasping and coughing]'' I think I may have swallowed my retainer.

===''Parents' Night'' [1.13a] ===
:'''Flo Spinelli''': You must be B.J. He's the one our little honey bunny has the crush on.
:'''Spinelli''': Mom!

===''Swing on Thru to the Other Side'' [1.13b] ===

== Season 2 ==

===''The Break-Up'' [2.1a] ===

===''The Hypnotist'' [2.1b] ===
:''[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]''
:'''Spinelli''': ...Did he just do what I think he did?
:'''Mikey''': Yup.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[She screams to show her reaction; she tries to run after Prickly, but gets grabbed by Mikey]'' LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

===''Mama's Girl'' [2.2a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Miss Grotke handing back the class their graded book reports]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[shocked when he gets a C-minus on his book report]'' C-minus?! Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, T.J., but &quot;A roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down&quot; is not a book report… It's a cover blurb.
:'''T.J.''': Oops. ''[chuckles embarrassingly]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': ''[seeing Miss Grotke not noticing a mud puddle, which she's about to step in]'' Oh, no! Look out, ''MAMA!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Here you go, just like mama makes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As she runs away, Spinelli slows down and looks at the sidewalk; she examines and takes notice at the neon sign that says &quot;Manny Matt's Grill&quot; on the window. As she is still looking, the letters of the sign blew off and began to say what each word says when some letters are blew off.]''
:'''Spinelli''': &quot;Ma, Ma's, Gr ll...?&quot; ''[closes her eyes and covers her ears, having a frustrated expression on her face; feels the world mocking her, and begins to exclaim a powerful scream to show her reaction]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''''' ''[While screaming, she turns around and consumes the camera as the German Sheppard dog still repeatedly shouts, &quot;Mama's girl!&quot; The scene ends with a black screen, in which her throat is already zoomed in, stopping the scream and ending the scene]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gus''': Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': You know, there's one thing I still don't understand. Why did the subliminal message fail? Works all the time for Madison Avenue.
:'''Vince''': Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

===''Outcast Ashley'' [2.2b] ===
:''[T.J. and friends see Gretchen approaching them in a big box]''
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, is that you?
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? ''[bumps into the fence]''

===''The Game'' [2.3a] ===
:''[Ajimbo has turned everyone into zombies who try to force the game onto T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': No! I won't give in. I won't let this thing beat me!
:'''Mikey''': ''[zombielike]'' It's no use, T.J. Eventually you will join us.

===''The Lost Ball'' [2.3b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Look what your little friend did now, T.J.

===''Gus' Last Stand'' [2.4a] ===
:'''Gus''': Gosh! Who'd have thought? Little Belgium winning over big Germany!
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Winning? Ha! They got the stuffing kicked out of them!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gus''': I guess I lost the battle, sir.
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Yes, but it looks like you won the war.

===''Operation Field Trip'' [2.4b] ===

===''The Challenge'' [2.5a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[shouting]'' Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! ''[Kids stare at him]'' Oh, and have fun.

===''Wild Child'' [2.5b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Repeat after me. The rain...
:Kindergartener: The wain...
:'''Gretchen''': In Spain...
:Kindergartener: In Pain...
:'''Gretchen''': Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.
:Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

===''The Substitute'' [2.6a] ===
:'''Mr. E''': That information comes at a terrible price. Are you willing to pay it?
:''[Phil shrinks back into his seat]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Mr. E, I hope the fact that the government has quashed my research won't hurt my final grade.
:'''Mr. E''': It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': Say, Mr. E., there's something that's been bugging me: could you tell me what the E stands for?
:'''Mr. E''': No.
:'''T.J.''': You are so cool!

===''Gretchen and the Secret of Yo'' [2.6b] ===
:'''Mikey''': I just don't get it? Why would the chicken wanna make us think he taste good? Doesn't he know what happens to tasty chickens?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Well, excuse me! For once in my life I'm good at a real sport! A sport with trophies! It's important to me, okay?! More important than any science fair, quiz bowl, or chess tournament I've ever been in! If you guys can't support me, then so-rry!

===''The Girl was Trouble'' [2.7a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Randall calling all the kids to line-up in five rows]''
:'''Vince''': Man, someone must be in big trouble. Finster hasn't cancelled recess since Billy Stoler short-sheeted her support hose.
:'''T.J.''': She was limping for three days.
:'''Randall''': ''[as Miss Finster appears; through megaphone] Ten-hut!''
:''[The kids all line-up]''
:'''Miss Finster''': This week, we've since a crime wave unparalleled in Third Street history. Someone on this playground is responsible for breaching nearly every rule he hold sacred.
:'''Mikey''': Even the cannibalism taboo?
:'''Miss Finster''': Evidence connects a single mastermind with these crimes. '''''One''''' kid who's done it all. Written graffiti, mocking the faculty, de-faced restrooms, stolen food from the cafeteria, and made a complete mess of the mess area! This someone will be going directly to Principal Prickly's office. This someone will receive severe punishment befitting these atrocities. This someone…is Gretchen P. Grundler!
:''[The kids all gasp in shock at Gretchen, revealing her to be the culprit]''
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid in school!
:'''Vince''': Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake!
:'''Spinelli''': Tell her, Gretchen!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gloomy]'' No, guys, she's right. Take me away, Miss Finster.
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, what are you saying?
:'''Gretchen''': Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J. I'm nothing but trouble.
:''[The episode's title appears]''
:'''Miss Finster''': March, young lady!
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen gone bad? It can't be!
:'''Mikey''': Down is up, black is white, and the Millennium approaches!
:''[Miss Finster escorts Gretchen to Principal Prickly's office as they enter the building]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' I know what you're asking. How did it happen? How did Gretchen (Priscilla) Grundler, straight-A student, end up taking the long walk to the principal's office? It's a story as long as the lines at Gonzo World, but without the free refills.
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[typing her typewriter]'' We've been expecting you, Grundler. Take a seat. Principal Prickly will be with you in a moment.
:''[Gretchen takes a seat on a bench next to Sue Bob Murphy]''
:'''Sue Bob''': Well, well, if it ain't Goody-Two-Shoes Grundler. What'd you do, Grundler, get too many A's?
:'''Gretchen''': I'm not in the mood, Murphy.
:'''Sue Bob''': Oh, come on, Grundler. Where's your sense of humor? When you're about to face the man, sometimes that's all you got. So, what you in for?
:'''Gretchen''': It's a long story.
:'''Sue Bob''': Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' She had a point. I don't know what it was that finally made me spill. Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness. Maybe it was the clickety-clack of Miss Lemon's typewriter. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt compelled to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale. ''[telling Sue Bob everything about all the crimes she committed]'' It all started about a week ago on my birthday. ''[story beings on her birthday; voiceover]'' It was a great day. My favorite Uncle George gave me the best gift I ever got. A Galileo hand-held personal computer. ''[meets up with her friends in the cafeteria around lunchtime]'' Galileo was a dream come true. A powerful multi-function PC that fit in the palm of my hand. It had 16 megabytes of RAM, internet access, and cute howdy froggy desktop icons that made computing fun.
:'''Galileo''': Hey, Gretchen, don't look now but, you've got mail.
:'''Vince''': Whoa, that thing talks!
:'''Galileo''': Don't feel threatened, Vince. Computers are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': That's right, I loved a machine. Like a sister or kind uncle. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's twisted. But love it, I did. Then one day, everything changed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey, T.J., and Gretchen are sitting on the swings as Gus, Vince, and Spinelli approach them after searching everywhere for Gretchen's stolen Galileo]''
:'''Gus''': I looked in Miss Grotke's class.
:'''Vince''': And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[worried]'' This is a nightmare!
:'''T.J.''': Let's go over this again. You asked the diggers, you talked to the Ashleys, you checked the Lost and Found... ''[Gretchen's eyes widen open]'' You ''did'' check the Lost and Found, didn't you?
:''[Gretchen gets up from the swing and quickly runs to the Lost and Found]''
:'''Mikey''': I guess that was a no.
:'''Gretchen''': The Lost and Found box, Menlo. I need to see it, now!
:'''Menlo''': That's not the way it works. You tell me what you lost, and ''I'll'' tell you if it's in the box. Those are the rules.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[sighs]'' One Galileo hand-held PC Model G55 serial number 76502.
:'''Menlo''': Oh, yeah. ''[brings out the box]'' Spiffy little piece of tech. 300 meg chip, voice activated control, cellular email.
:'''Gretchen''': Yes, yes, that's it! Is it in there?
:'''Menlo''': Nope, I just like asking. I do remember seeing something like that, though.
:'''Gretchen''': Where?
:'''Menlo''': I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[grabs and pulls him by the collar; sharply]'' OUT WITH IT!
:'''Menlo''': Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt me! Yesterday at recess, I was…
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when nobody's home. He told me who had Galileo. It was Greg Skeens, the graffiti kid, guy who couldn't spell &quot;computer,&quot; much less use one. Menlo told me where to find him. I don't make it a habit to slum in the Third Street School underworld. But if I wanted Galileo back, I had to hold my nose and plunge in. ''[finds Greg Skeens drawing a graffiti of Finster]'' Nice work. You're a regular Degas.
:'''Skeens''': What'd you call me?
:'''Gretchen''': Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced my hand-held computer. About yea big, matte-black finish, soothing voice. Maybe you've seen it around.
:'''Skeens''': You mean that TV remote I found under the bench by the kickball field? I traded it for a stick of gum. Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.
:'''Gretchen''': Who?! Who did you trade it to?!
:'''Skeens''': Hey! I'm no blabbermouth. Now beat it. I'm busy. I need to write something nasty about Finster before the bell. Uh... how do you spell &quot;meanie?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Now what about ''your'' end of the bargain?
:'''Mundy''': I, uh, traded your thingamajig to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[horrified]'' You mean, Kurst the Worst? ''[voiceover]'' Skeens and Mundy were one thing, but Kurst… she was a force of danger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gretchen enters the cafeteria, looking for Kurst and finds her in the kitchen, digging around in the fridge and eating all the food]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[fiercely]'' Kurst, I want my Galileo computer! I know Mundy gave it to you and I want it back!
:'''Kurst''': That piece of junk? I traded it. You can't eat a copy thingy. Now butt off! I'm about to enjoy an all-I-can-eat buffet, courtesy of Third Street School.
:'''Gretchen''': But, but-
:'''Kurst''': You heard me, blow! Go on, dangle!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe I should've just turned around and walked away. Maybe I should've gone to the authorities and let the system do its job. Maybe I should've done a lot things, but I didn't. Before I knew it hit me, something inside me snapped. ''[shouting furiously]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;'''''KURST!!!'''''&lt;/span&gt; '''I WANT MY GALILEO, AND I WANT IT ''NOW!'''''
:'''Kurst''': Oh, you do, do ya? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I handed it over… TO SEÑOR PUDDING!
:''[The two girls start throwing food to each other while fighting; fade back to the present]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finishing up her story]'' I got Kirsten Kurst a couple of times, then she blindsided me with a bowl of tapioca. When I came to my senses, she was gone. I managed to sneak out of there, unseen, but by the time I was done wiping pudding out of my hair, Finster was all over me like a pig on sorbet.
:'''Sue Bob''': But I don't get it. How'd Finster finger you?
:'''Miss Lemon''': It was wasn't so tough, girly. Gretchen here, left a trail of clues a mile wide. &quot;Nefarious&quot; happens to be the word she won last year's spelling bee with. The viscosity of liquid soap was the subject of her blue ribbon science fair project, and finally, here's a tissue, for Pete's sake, you missed a spot of tapioca on your glasses. Oh, you're smart, Grundler, but it's all book and no street. ''[laughs]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[takes off her glasses to wipe off the tapioca spot]'' Anyway, I guess you could say I got what's coming to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[answers the phone]'' Yes, sir? I see. ''[hangs up]'' Okay, Grundler. He'll see you now.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gets up; to Sue Bob]'' Wish me luck. ''[enters Principal Prickly's office]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[sternly while she takes a seat in front of him]'' Well, well, Miss Grundler, you're the last person I would've expected to go rotten, but facts speak for themselves. As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.
:'''Gretchen''': I understand, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' It was a crazy end to a crazy story. Principal Prickly got so interested in what I was showing him on his computer, he forgot all about taking away my recess, though I did have to clean up the messes. Still, I got Galileo back, I survived my sordid journey through the Underworld, and I'm never going back there again.

===''Copycat Kid'' [2.7b] ===

===''Operation Stuart'' [2.8a] ===

===''Pharaoh Bob'' [2.8b] ===
:'''King Bob''': So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Bob''': I just wanted to be remembered.
:'''Gretchen''': I know Bob. But the thing is great leaders aren't remembered for the things they build. They're remembered for the things they do. 

===''The Story of Whomps'' [2.9a] ===
:'''T.J.''': Level 5? Man, this whomps!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Make that level 6! Ready to push me any further!?!?!

===''Weekend at Muriel's'' [2.9b] ===

===''Economics of Recess'' [2.10a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Everyone either works for you or just stands around and does nothing.
:'''T.J.''': Good point. Gus, start charging kids for standing around. We'll call it a loitering fee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': I don't need anyone! I'm a self-made boy! I'm king of the world!

===''Omega Kids'' [2.10b] ===

===''Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave'' [2.11] ===
:'''Gus''': Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.
:'''Mikey''': Oh, that wasn't Santa.
:'''T.J.''': It wasn't?
:'''Mikey''': No, that was an impostor. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.
:'''Vince''': So, where are we going now?
:'''Mikey''': To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.12a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[offended]'' It's not fair. It's just not fair.
:'''T.J.''': ''[also offended]'' Yeah, this whomps.
:'''Vince''': How come you guys get miss school and we don't?
:'''Gretchen''': Because the Young Inventors Fair is an invitational exposition.
:'''Spinelli''': Means you gotta be invited.
:'''Gretchen''': It's a great opportunity to show off exciting new ideas from smart young minds.
:'''Gus''': So why is Spinelli going with you?
:'''Spinelli''': 'Cause she needed a smart kid to be her assistance. Wanna make something of it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey gets his whole head covered in gum while trying to make the record for blowing up a big bubblegum]''
:'''Mikey''': No! This can't be happening!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.
:'''Mikey''': You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!
:'''T.J.''': What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.
:'''Mikey''': Tried it before. It froze my brain.
:'''Vince''': Cooking oil?
:'''Mikey''': Urban myth.
:'''Gus''': Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- ''[realizes]'' No, wait. That's for hiccups.
:'''Mikey''': I'M DOOMED!
:'''T.J.''': Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.
:'''Mikey''': How?
:'''T.J.''': All you do gotta do is get a haircut.
:'''Mikey''': But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.
:'''T.J.''': You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.
:'''Vince''': Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?
:'''T.J.''': Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?
:'''Mikey''': I don't know.
:'''T.J.''': Trust me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mikey''': ''[as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face]'' Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. ''[Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible haircut; screams in horror]''
:'''T.J.''': Was that a good &quot;ah&quot; or a bad one?
:'''Mikey''': YOU RUINED MY HAIR!
:'''T.J.''': Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.
:'''Mikey''': Your feelings?! What about my head?!

===''Dance Lessons'' [2.12b] ===

===''Principal for a Day'' [2.13a] ===

===''The Beauty Contest'' [2.13b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.
:'''Ashley Q.''': Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.
:'''Ashley A.''': I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em'...
:'''Spinelli''': ''[off screen]'' Like totally special delivery!

==Season 3==

===''One Stayed Clean'' [3.1a] ===

===''A Genius Among Us'' [3.1b] ===

===''Dodgeball City'' [3.2a] ===
:'''Mikey''': Fiddle on, thoughtless Nero, as your precious empire burns all around you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Hector''': Eventually I stopped calling him Safety Man and started calling him just Gus, but to me, he'll always be... El Diablo!

===''A Career to Remember'' [3.2b] ===

===''Kindergarten Derby'' [3.3a] ===

===''The Bet'' [3.3b] ===

===''Space Cadet'' [3.4a] ===

===''Stand Up Randall'' [3.4b] ===

===''The Shiner'' [3.5a] ===

===''Lord of the Nerds'' [3.5b] ===
:'''Store owner''': Knarf! Oh, forgive me! I didn't mean to cross a level 42 sword master!
:'''Frank''': I'll let you go this time, but watch out. The sword of Ganymede now hangs perilously close to your skull.

===''That Stinking Feeling'' [3.6a] ===

===''My Funny Valentines'' [3.6b] ===

===''The Barnaby Boys'' [3.7a] ===

===''Buried Treasure'' [3.7b] ===

===''The Library Kid'' [3.8a] ===

===''The Ratings Game'' [3.8b] ===

==Season 4==

===''The First Picture Show'' [4.1a] ===

===''The Big Prank'' [4.1b] ===

===''Hustler's Apprentice'' [4.2a] ===

===''The Spy Who Came in from the Playground'' [4.2b] ===

===''Gus' Fortune'' [4.3a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! '''&quot;Great riches will soon be yours.&quot;''' Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?
:'''T.J.''': Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. '''&quot;You will pass your greatest test with flying colors.&quot;''' Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.
:'''Mikey''': Me next.
:'''Vince''': No, me next.
:'''Gretchen''': I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. '''&quot;You will take a trip to an exotic land.&quot;''' My word, that is exciting! 
:'''Gus''': My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. '''&quot;Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?&quot;''' Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.
:''[Cut to Miss Grotke's classroom]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.
:'''T.J.''': 101%?
:'''Gretchen''': But that can't be right! I only got 100%.
:'''Mikey''': Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman]'' '''''GRISWALD!!!'''''
:'''Gelman''': Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing? 
:'''T.J.''': That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.
:''[Gelman screams and runs away]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[kindly]'' Uh... children. ''[the gang turns to her; infuriated]'' GET ME OUT OF HERE!

===''Rumor Mill'' [4.3b] ===

===''Recess is Cancelled'' [4.4a] ===

===''Tattletale Heart'' [4.4b] ===
:''[The gang are eating lunch in the cafeteria while Gus finishes drinking his carton of chocolate milk]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[impressed]'' Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?
:'''Gus''': I couldn't help myself, guys. I ''love'' chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. ''[takes a bite of his sandwich]'' An evil genius. Be right back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lawson''': FOOD FIGHT!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While all the kids are forced to clean up the mess in the cafeteria after their food fight…]''
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!
:'''Gus''': Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…
:'''T.J.''': ''[as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly]'' Don't say it, Gus.
:'''Gus''': But you don't understand! It was… ''[his friends cover his mouth again]''
:'''T.J.''': Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor. 
:'''Gus''': Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all. 
:'''Gretchen''': Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail.&quot;''' ''[sighs]'' It's pretty clear, all right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Attention, miscreants. You've (all) been cleaning for over an hour already, and no one's come forward to squeal. 
:'''Vince''': That's 'cause we've got the code. Right, guys? 
:'''Miss Finster''': You may be strong in a group. But we'll see how you hold up to individual interrogations. ''[Gus gulps nervously]'' We will start in alphabetical order. Beginning with… Adam Able. 
:'''Adam''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, man, I'm always first. Why couldn't I have been born Zebadiah Zwick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Care for a soda, Randall? 
:'''Randall''': Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do. 
:'''Miss Finster''': I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is. 
:'''Randall''': You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you. 
:'''Miss Finster''': It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Next!
:'''Gus''': ''[shouting in protest]'' YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TELL! THERE'S A CODE! AN UNBREAKABLE KID CODE! ''[covers his mouth]''
:'''Miss Finster''': A code, eh? Well, let's just see if we can't crack it. Forget the alphabets, sonny, you're next!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Gus. You okay, man?
:'''Spinelli''': Did you crack?
:'''T.J.''': Back off, guys. Give him some air.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… ''[sighs]'' Randall Weems.
:'''Randall''': No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!
:'''Miss Finster''': I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.
:'''Randall''': ''[berating Gus as he's taken away]'' Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! ''A TATTLETALE!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': STOP! Unhand that boy.
:'''Jerome''': We'll get you later, Griswald, when your girlfriend's not around.
:'''Miss Finster''': Cute, Jerome, but this boy told me nothing. Poor Randall was fingered by science.

===''The Madness of King Bob'' [4.5a] ===

===''Call Me Guy'' [4.5b] ===

===''Prickly is Leaving'' [4.6a] ===

===''Randall's Friends'' [4.6b] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': The nerve of that birthday boy, leaving me to do my own grunt work. Let's see. Any evidence of contraband. Chewing gum? Candy wrappers? Hmm, what have we here? Jackpot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later. 
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Miss Finster''': This official memo proves that ''you're'' the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof. 
:'''T.J.''': I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up. 
:'''Randall''': I didn't. I... I-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': You and the birthday boy can iron out your differences later, after one week of level-4 detention. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[as Miss Finster takes him away]'' I'VE BEEN FRAMED! 
:'''Randall''': ''[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him]'' Anyone for a bounce?
:''[The gang angrily chase after him while bouncing in the bouncy house]''
:'''Vince''': When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon! 
:'''Randall''': But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

===''The Biggest Trouble Ever'' [4.7a]===
:'''Gus''': Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway? 
:'''Gretchen''': The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name. 
:'''Mikey''': Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here. 
:'''T.J.''': That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and-- 
:''[As they walk to the front of the school, they gasp in amazement when they see the statue]''
:'''Gretchen''': Thaddeus T. Third III! 
:'''Mikey''': He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, &quot;I'm an important fellow.&quot; 
:'''T.J.''': Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, &quot;Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing.&quot;
:''[The gang start to climb up the statue; On the other side of the curtain, Principal Prickly is making an announcement]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, &quot;big story news&quot; team. It is an honor to host this &quot;Welcome back, Thad&quot; celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!
:''[The curtains pull back, revealing the statue… and the gang on top of it, and the crowd gasp in shock]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[chuckles cheekily]'' How you doin', folks? 
:''[The statue suddenly starts to topple]''
:'''Spinelli''': He's going over! BAIL! 
:''[The gang jump off from the statue and it falls on the ground, destroyed; Mayor Fitzhugh babbles in horrified shock]'' 
:'''Mort Chalk''': You gettin' this?
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': ''[outraged]'' Prickly! Do you know what this means?!
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[before Prickly could say anything]'' He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. ''[to the gang]'' You six are in the biggest trouble ever!
:''[The gang gasp in shock]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night. 
:'''Gus''': Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35. 
:'''Mikey''': People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!
:'''T.J.''': Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.
:'''Vince''': Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[closing the window blinds while the gang watch Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile]'' No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals! 
:'''Gus''': Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.
:'''Miss Finster''': Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[baffled]'' New outfits? 
:''[The gang are now wearing orange prison jumpsuits]''
:'''Miss Finster''': My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust &quot;The Destructive Six&quot; are feeling constructive today? 
:'''T.J.''': Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are? 
:'''Miss Finster''': Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. ''[holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]''
:'''Gus''': But I already brushed my teeth.
:'''Miss Finster''': Oh, they're not for your teeth. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[The gang are then seen using the toothbrushes to clean the hallway floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The gang are in the cafeteria kitchen, peeling onions while weeping tearfully due to its reaction]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[tearfully]'' It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins. 
:'''Gretchen''': It's going to be okay, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': What are you talking about, &quot;brains?&quot; We're in the biggest trouble ever!
:'''Gretchen''': I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey. 
:'''T.J.''': Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler? 
:'''T.J.''': No, ma'am, I do not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up &quot;the Destructive Six,&quot; and scatter them throughout the district. 
:'''T.J.''': Mr. Mayor, can I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': I don't know. ''Can'' you? 
:'''T.J.''': Sorry, sir. ''May'' I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': That's better. 
:'''T.J.''': Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

===''The Rules'' [4.7b] ===

===''Gus and Misdemeanors'' [4.8a] ===

===''A Science Fair to Remember'' [4.8b] ===

===''Mikey's Pants'' [4.9a] ===

===''Here Comes Mr. Perfect'' [4.9b] ===

===''Good Luck Charm'' [4.10a] ===

===''Diggers Split Up'' [4.10b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Unless I'm mistaken… Diggers split up.

===''SchoolWorld'' [4.11a] ===

===''Bachelor Gus'' [4.11b] ===

===''The Dude'' [4.12a] ===

===''Partners in Crime'' [4.12b] ===

===''The Candidates'' [4.13a] ===

===''This Brain for Hire'' [4.13b] ===
:''[Night at Gretchen's house]''
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Gretchen, dear, are you still up?
:'''Gretchen''': Just finishing my homework, Mom.
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

===''Spinelli's Masterpiece'' [4.14a] ===

===''Nobody Doesn't Like T.J.'' [4.14b] ===
:''[T.J. is sitting in the cafeteria for his time in detention and he sighs]''
:'''Miss Finster''': No sighing in detention, Detweiler.
:'''T.J.''': Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.
:''[His friends are watching outside through the window]''
:'''Vince''': Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

===''A Great State Fair'' [4.15a] ===
:''[All the kids are boarding the buses for their field trip to the Great State Fair]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[holding her permission slip]'' Ah, the good ol' &quot;get out of class free&quot; card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his permission slip]'' This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign. 
:'''Gus''': ''[checking his pant pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip]'' Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! 
:'''Spinelli''': Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus. 
:'''Gus''': I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!
:'''Mikey''': Maybe your father could bring it from his office. 
:'''Gus''': He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and mom's out looking at drapes. 
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Grotke, we got a problem. 
:'''Spinelli''': Gus forgot his permission slip. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.
:''[Gus whimpers sadly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[to Gus and Gelman]'' All right, you left-behinds, it's fun time.

===''The A.V. Kid'' [4.15b] ===

===''Yope from Norway'' [4.16a] ===

===''Bonky Fever'' [4.16b] ===

===''Don't Ask Me'' [4.17a] ===
:''[As the kids corner Spinelli, angrily blaming her for the negative consequences of their actions and threatening to get their revenge on her]''
:'''Guru Kid''': ''[stepping in, defending her]'' Wait. This is not the way.
:'''Swinger Girl''': Step aside, skinny. Spinelli's got it coming!
:'''Guru Kid''': Does she? And why is that? Did you not all receive the help you sought?
:'''Kids''': Yeah and maybe.
:'''Guru Kid''': Blame not the advisor if one chooses to take her advice. Do we all not have the free will to do as we choose? Why not hold her responsible for her actions or you for yours
:'''Swinger Girl''': You know, turban boy make sense. I mean, nobody told us we had to listen to Spinelli.

===''The Secret Life of Grotke'' [4.17b] ===
:'''T.J.''': What we need is more proof. Let's all meet back here tomorrow morning early. Then we can really start investigating. One way or another, we're going to uncover the secret life of Grotke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.
:'''Gus''': Moldavakia?
:'''Spinelli''': Where the heck is that? 
:'''Gretchen''': Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage. 
:'''T.J.''': Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!
:'''Gus''': A spy?
:'''Gretchen''': My word.
:'''Spinelli''': A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe it. I won't believe it.
:'''T.J.''': Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's &quot;program&quot;... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.
:'''Gus''': But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of ''theirs?''

===''The Fuss Over Finster'' [4.18a] ===

===''Soccer Boy'' [4.18b] ===

===''Fort Tender'' [4.19a] ===

===''Germ Warfare'' [4.19b] ===

===''More Like Gretchen'' [4.20a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened. 
:'''Vince''': What happened? 
:'''T.J.''': The toy surprise was missing from your box.
:'''Spinelli''': Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum! 
:'''Gus''': The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!
:'''Spinelli''': Bingo. ''[the others gasp in shock]'' I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk. 
:'''T.J.''': My heart goes out to you, Spinelli. 
:'''Spinelli''': I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me. 
:'''Vince''': Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place. 
:'''T.J.''': Yeah, I'm kind of busy. 
:'''Gus''': I've got my reputation to worry about. 
:'''Spinelli''': Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come. 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. 
:'''Spinelli''': You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?
:'''Gretchen''': Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out. 
:'''Spinelli''': Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

===''Prince Randall'' [4.20b] ===
:''[T.J. is impersonating King Bob with his friends laughing hysterically]''
:'''T.J.''': Your king craves sustenance. ''[to Gretchen]'' You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat. 
:'''Gretchen''': Right away, Your Highness. 
:'''T.J.''': Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers. 
:'''Mikey''': But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.
:'''T.J.''': That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall! 
:'''Mikey''': A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right. 
:'''Vince''': Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob. 
:'''King Bob''': Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. ''[gesturing to Randall]''
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Randall''': Maybe I wasn't clear before. ''T.J.'' was making ''fun'' of you. 
:'''King Bob''': Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried &quot;king&quot; once too often. 
:'''Randall''': I'm not sure I follow.

===''Me No Know'' [4.21a] ===

===''Good Ole T.J.'' [4.21b] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': My goodness, no Gretchen? 
:'''Gus''': I win! Gretchen's never late, so she must be absent. At last, I've demonstrated true savvy. One pack of winger-dingers, please. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[annoyed]'' Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn? 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finally shows up late]'' Whew. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Gus''': ''[gives Spinelli back her Winger-Dingers; disappointed]'' You win. What was I thinking? Gretchen ''never'' misses school.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[satisfied]'' Never doubted her for a second.
:'''Gretchen''': I was answering Mr. Wood's questions about ionic bonding, and I'm afraid I lost track of time, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, too, Gretchen, but just the same, I'm going to have to enter this in your permanent record. ''[opens up her desk drawer and takes out Gretchen's permanent record]''
:''[The class gasp over this]''
:'''Mikey''': Not Gretchen. She's the finest of us all. 
:'''Gretchen''': I take full responsibility for my tardiness and I apologize for any delay it may have caused my classmates in their efforts to learn.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up really late]'' Morning, people. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': T.J., is there something you'd like to tell the class? 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah. Knock, knock. 
:'''Students''':  Who's there?
:'''T.J.''': Justin. 
:'''Students''': Justin who? 
:'''T.J.''': Just in time for class!
:''[All the kids laugh]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Such a clever boy. Take your seats. 
:'''Spinelli''': Good ole T.J. can get away with just about anything. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[coldly]'' Yes, good ole T.J. ''[later around lunchtime…]'' Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just swap this chocolate milk for a regular. Calcium's calcium, right? 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Whatever floats your boat, kid. 
:'''T.J.''': I don't have any money, ma'am, but I do have my marker. Don't worry. There's a whole pad more where that came from. 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': ''[chuckles]'' Good ole T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[offended]'' Indeed. 
:''[Later outside during recess…]''
:'''T.J.''': Snazzy day, huh, buds?
:'''Mikey''': Every day is snazzy to me, T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[chewing some gum]'' Yeah, the snazziest. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Grundler, is that gum in your mouth? 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, technically, yes, but, you see, it's a prototype gum substitute. I developed it myself. Though chewy, it is in no way sticky, and therefore-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': Therefore it's still gum. I'm assigning you to garbage detail for the rest of the week. Oh, and I suggest you bring gloves. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, ma'am. 
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[catching T.J. trying to tiptoe away]'' Not so fast, Detweiler. I know you're packing a wad. Open up and spit it out. 
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Miss Finster, it's true, but you see, it's prescription gum.
:'''Miss Finster''': I can't make head or tail of this chicken scratch. He must be an excellent dentist. 
:'''T.J.''': He says I have early stage gingi-something. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Gingivitis? That's the most insidious disease known to mouth. Now listen to me, T.J., if you want to grow up to have healthy teeth and gums like mine, just do as your dentist says and chew that gum. In fact, if I catch you and you're not chewing gum, I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky. Now, what's that over there? 
:'''Gus''': You don't really have gingi-something, do you, Teej? 
:'''T.J.''': No, Gus. That was just a little something I tucked away for emergencies. Phew. That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella. Water fountain, here I come. 
:'''Gus''': Good ole T.J. does it again. 
:'''Gretchen''': Gingi-something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Why so heavy on the books, Gretch? 
:'''Gretchen''': We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus. 
:'''T.J.''': That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff. 
:'''Gretchen''': We don't have to do research? 
:'''T.J.''': Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops. 
:'''Gretchen''': I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires ''real'' work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket. 
:'''T.J.''': Irritation of Meso-who? 
:'''Gretchen''': Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization. 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.
:'''Gretchen''': Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.
:'''Gretchen''': Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?
:'''Vince''': Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.
:'''Gretchen''': You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?
:'''Gus''': You can't do it. It can't be done.
:'''Gretchen''': My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Grotke''': Minimal pass.
:'''T.J.''': All right! The passing streak continues.
:'''Miss Grotke''': Not your best effort, Gretchen, but you slid by.

===''Chez Vince'' [4.22a] ===

===''Tucked in Mikey'' [4.22b] ===

===''Old Folks Home'' [4.23a] ===

===''Some Friend'' [4.23b] ===

==Season 5==

===''The Coolest Heatwave Ever'' [5.1a] ===

===''No Strings Attached'' [5.1b] ===

===''Beyond a Reasonable Scout'' [5.2a] ===

===''The C Note'' [5.2b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?
:'''T.J.''': Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!
:'''Spinelli''': Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, &quot;Strikeout!&quot; Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.
:'''Gretchen''': Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved. 
:'''Mikey''': That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack! 
:'''Spinelli''': About time you paid up, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P. 
:'''T.J.''': Classy, Vince. Very classy. 
:'''Gus''': I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. ''[screams as he flies out of control]'' How do I stop this thing?! ''[back to reality]'' Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.

===''The Army Navy Game'' [5.3a] ===

===''Big Ol' Mikey'' [5.3b] ===

===''The Principals of Golf'' [5.4a] ===

===''All the Principal's Men'' [5.4b] ===

===''Lawson and His Crew'' [5.5] ===

==Season 6==

===''Terrifying Tales of Recess'' [6.1] ===

===''Kurst the Not So Bad'' [6.2a] ===

===''League of Randalls'' [6.2b] ===

===''Mundy, Mundy'' [6.3a] ===

===''Lost Leader'' [6.3b] ===
Erwin Lawson: &quot;Aw Man, We lose!&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>im6tqpoxxudrrmusa0sy4fejhoxmv7u</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607070</id>
      <parentid>3607069</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:50:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Tattletale Heart [4.4b] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="56930" sha1="tswl3aru64ucicv5tj46gffwe1dcd5v" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''''' is a [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] animated series about the mischievous adventures of 6 children during recess, when the children form their own structured society. It spawned the films [[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]], [[w:Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade|Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade]], and [[w:Recess: All Growed Down|Recess: All Growed Down]].

== Season 1 ==
===''The Break In'' [1.1a] ===
:'''TJ''': Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': ''[Talking about T.J.]'' Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?
:'''The head kindergartner''': Let's eat 'em!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.
:'''Spinelli''': He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kid next to King Bob''': My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

===''The New Kid'' [1.1b] ===
:'''Mikey''': There are lots of people without names.
:'''Gus''': Like who?
:'''Mikey''': Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''': I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

===''The Experiment'' [1.2a] ===
:'''Butch''': The future... is ''girls''! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! ''[laughs diabolically]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?
:'''Gretchen''': Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!
:'''T.J.''': But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.
:'''Gretchen''': Which explains the D minus you got in Science. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Spinelli and T.J. kiss]''
:'''Spinelli''': Ack! Puke city!
:'''T.J.''': Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': You realize we may have to get married after this.
:'''Spinelli''': You realize I may have to kill you after this.

===''The Great Jungle Gym Standoff'' [1.2b] ===
:'''Spinelli''': The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!
:'''Randall''': Hey! That's ''my'' job!

===''Jinxed'' [1.3a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?
:'''Gus''': Adult animals?
:'''Spinelli''': Nothing, that's what!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''':Its My Harmonica!
:'''Ashleys''':Your What?
:'''Gus''':Its My...
:'''Ashleys''':Harmonica! Jinx!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Hey! One of you drop five bucks?
:'''Ashleys''': Oooo...
:'''T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey''': Scandalous! Jinx!

===''Officer Mikey'' [1.3b] ===
:''[looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney]''
:'''Spinelli''': We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. :''[four Kindergartners come forward]'' Er... Britney A.

===''First Name Ashley'' [1.4a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': We're all Ashleys, too.
:'''Ashley A''': But, you aren't even girls!
:'''Gus''': Hey, it's the nineties.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': There are a lot of Ashleys out there, but there's only one Spinelli.

===''To Finster With Love'' [1.4b] ===
:'''Finster''': ''[reading out grades]'' A… A… A… Ah, Randall, my trusted spy. A plus! A… A… A… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': F… F… F… Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy. The only kid around here I can count on. Ah, he's done so much for me. Hmm… D minus. F… F… F… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hank the Janitor''': Do you hear music?
:'''Finster''': Whenever I look at you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Ms. Finster?
:'''Finster''': Yes, Detwiler?
:'''T.J.''': ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?
:'''Finster''': Why, you little HOOLIGAN! ''[Runs after T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': She's back!

===''King Gus'' [1.5a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[singing]'' Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Madness! Madness!

===''Big Brother Chad'' [1.5b] ===
:'''Kindergartener''': Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chucko''': Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next!

===''My Fair Gretchen'' [1.6a] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': I think what Miss Finster's trying to say is, every year we give the fourth graders this little standardized test. You get a whole 45 minutes. It's not for a grade, so there's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Miss Finster''': You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

===''Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye'' [1.6b] ===
:'''King Bob''': Digging a hole in sixth-grade territory? How dare you! Take them to the dodgeball wall!

===''I Will Kick No More Forever'' [1.7a] ===
:'''Vince''': ''[watching an old video of himself]'' Man, did you see that kick? That was in my prime!
:'''Gretchen''': Vince, that was 2 weeks ago. 

===''The Kid Came Back'' [1.7b] ===
:''[Peanut Butter Kid leaves them with his sandwich]''
:'''Mikey''': This is all we have to remember him by.

===''The Pest'' [1.8a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': ''[as Jeffery pokes her in the back with a pencil]'' Quit it, Jeffery!
:'''Jefferey''': ''[innocently]'' Quit what?
:'''Gretchen''': You know, just quit it!

===''The Legend of Big Kid'' [1.8b] ===

===''The Box'' [1.9a] ===

===''The Trial'' [1.9b] ===
:'''King Bob''': ''[to Randall]'' You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. ''[Spinelli's eyes flush]''

===''Teachers Lounge'' [1.10a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[telling a joke]'' So then I say to the superintendent, &quot;That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!&quot;

===''Randall's Reform'' [1.10b] ===
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' I did it. Signed, T.J.?
:'''Finster''': AHA, a confession!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
:'''T.J.''': But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

===''Rainy Days'' [1.11a] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': Recess has been cancelled.
:'''Vince''': Cancelled? But why?
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[opens the door]'' Rain.
:''[Outside is shows rain pouring down from the dark clouds and thunder and lightning strikes]''
:'''Mikey''': The horror! The horror!

===''The Great Can Drive'' [1.11b] ===
:''[Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention]''
:'''Mikey''': Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?
:'''T.J.''': There's only one thing ''to'' say. Give me that can!
:''[The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid]''
:'''Mr. Prickly''': The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!
:''[The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over]''
:'''Ms. Finkelstein''': Look out, she's gonna blow!
:''[Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off]''
:'''Mikey''': Look what you've all done! Now ''nobody's'' gonna have a good Thanksgiving!
:''[The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did]''

===''The Voice'' [1.12a] ===

===''Kids in the Mist'' [1.12b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Old video out... new video in. ''[laughs manically; then starts gasping and coughing]'' I think I may have swallowed my retainer.

===''Parents' Night'' [1.13a] ===
:'''Flo Spinelli''': You must be B.J. He's the one our little honey bunny has the crush on.
:'''Spinelli''': Mom!

===''Swing on Thru to the Other Side'' [1.13b] ===

== Season 2 ==

===''The Break-Up'' [2.1a] ===

===''The Hypnotist'' [2.1b] ===
:''[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]''
:'''Spinelli''': ...Did he just do what I think he did?
:'''Mikey''': Yup.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[She screams to show her reaction; she tries to run after Prickly, but gets grabbed by Mikey]'' LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

===''Mama's Girl'' [2.2a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Miss Grotke handing back the class their graded book reports]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[shocked when he gets a C-minus on his book report]'' C-minus?! Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, T.J., but &quot;A roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down&quot; is not a book report… It's a cover blurb.
:'''T.J.''': Oops. ''[chuckles embarrassingly]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': ''[seeing Miss Grotke not noticing a mud puddle, which she's about to step in]'' Oh, no! Look out, ''MAMA!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Here you go, just like mama makes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As she runs away, Spinelli slows down and looks at the sidewalk; she examines and takes notice at the neon sign that says &quot;Manny Matt's Grill&quot; on the window. As she is still looking, the letters of the sign blew off and began to say what each word says when some letters are blew off.]''
:'''Spinelli''': &quot;Ma, Ma's, Gr ll...?&quot; ''[closes her eyes and covers her ears, having a frustrated expression on her face; feels the world mocking her, and begins to exclaim a powerful scream to show her reaction]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''''' ''[While screaming, she turns around and consumes the camera as the German Sheppard dog still repeatedly shouts, &quot;Mama's girl!&quot; The scene ends with a black screen, in which her throat is already zoomed in, stopping the scream and ending the scene]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gus''': Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': You know, there's one thing I still don't understand. Why did the subliminal message fail? Works all the time for Madison Avenue.
:'''Vince''': Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

===''Outcast Ashley'' [2.2b] ===
:''[T.J. and friends see Gretchen approaching them in a big box]''
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, is that you?
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? ''[bumps into the fence]''

===''The Game'' [2.3a] ===
:''[Ajimbo has turned everyone into zombies who try to force the game onto T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': No! I won't give in. I won't let this thing beat me!
:'''Mikey''': ''[zombielike]'' It's no use, T.J. Eventually you will join us.

===''The Lost Ball'' [2.3b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Look what your little friend did now, T.J.

===''Gus' Last Stand'' [2.4a] ===
:'''Gus''': Gosh! Who'd have thought? Little Belgium winning over big Germany!
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Winning? Ha! They got the stuffing kicked out of them!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gus''': I guess I lost the battle, sir.
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Yes, but it looks like you won the war.

===''Operation Field Trip'' [2.4b] ===

===''The Challenge'' [2.5a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[shouting]'' Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! ''[Kids stare at him]'' Oh, and have fun.

===''Wild Child'' [2.5b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Repeat after me. The rain...
:Kindergartener: The wain...
:'''Gretchen''': In Spain...
:Kindergartener: In Pain...
:'''Gretchen''': Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.
:Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

===''The Substitute'' [2.6a] ===
:'''Mr. E''': That information comes at a terrible price. Are you willing to pay it?
:''[Phil shrinks back into his seat]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Mr. E, I hope the fact that the government has quashed my research won't hurt my final grade.
:'''Mr. E''': It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': Say, Mr. E., there's something that's been bugging me: could you tell me what the E stands for?
:'''Mr. E''': No.
:'''T.J.''': You are so cool!

===''Gretchen and the Secret of Yo'' [2.6b] ===
:'''Mikey''': I just don't get it? Why would the chicken wanna make us think he taste good? Doesn't he know what happens to tasty chickens?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Well, excuse me! For once in my life I'm good at a real sport! A sport with trophies! It's important to me, okay?! More important than any science fair, quiz bowl, or chess tournament I've ever been in! If you guys can't support me, then so-rry!

===''The Girl was Trouble'' [2.7a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Randall calling all the kids to line-up in five rows]''
:'''Vince''': Man, someone must be in big trouble. Finster hasn't cancelled recess since Billy Stoler short-sheeted her support hose.
:'''T.J.''': She was limping for three days.
:'''Randall''': ''[as Miss Finster appears; through megaphone] Ten-hut!''
:''[The kids all line-up]''
:'''Miss Finster''': This week, we've since a crime wave unparalleled in Third Street history. Someone on this playground is responsible for breaching nearly every rule he hold sacred.
:'''Mikey''': Even the cannibalism taboo?
:'''Miss Finster''': Evidence connects a single mastermind with these crimes. '''''One''''' kid who's done it all. Written graffiti, mocking the faculty, de-faced restrooms, stolen food from the cafeteria, and made a complete mess of the mess area! This someone will be going directly to Principal Prickly's office. This someone will receive severe punishment befitting these atrocities. This someone…is Gretchen P. Grundler!
:''[The kids all gasp in shock at Gretchen, revealing her to be the culprit]''
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid in school!
:'''Vince''': Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake!
:'''Spinelli''': Tell her, Gretchen!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gloomy]'' No, guys, she's right. Take me away, Miss Finster.
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, what are you saying?
:'''Gretchen''': Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J. I'm nothing but trouble.
:''[The episode's title appears]''
:'''Miss Finster''': March, young lady!
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen gone bad? It can't be!
:'''Mikey''': Down is up, black is white, and the Millennium approaches!
:''[Miss Finster escorts Gretchen to Principal Prickly's office as they enter the building]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' I know what you're asking. How did it happen? How did Gretchen (Priscilla) Grundler, straight-A student, end up taking the long walk to the principal's office? It's a story as long as the lines at Gonzo World, but without the free refills.
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[typing her typewriter]'' We've been expecting you, Grundler. Take a seat. Principal Prickly will be with you in a moment.
:''[Gretchen takes a seat on a bench next to Sue Bob Murphy]''
:'''Sue Bob''': Well, well, if it ain't Goody-Two-Shoes Grundler. What'd you do, Grundler, get too many A's?
:'''Gretchen''': I'm not in the mood, Murphy.
:'''Sue Bob''': Oh, come on, Grundler. Where's your sense of humor? When you're about to face the man, sometimes that's all you got. So, what you in for?
:'''Gretchen''': It's a long story.
:'''Sue Bob''': Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' She had a point. I don't know what it was that finally made me spill. Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness. Maybe it was the clickety-clack of Miss Lemon's typewriter. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt compelled to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale. ''[telling Sue Bob everything about all the crimes she committed]'' It all started about a week ago on my birthday. ''[story beings on her birthday; voiceover]'' It was a great day. My favorite Uncle George gave me the best gift I ever got. A Galileo hand-held personal computer. ''[meets up with her friends in the cafeteria around lunchtime]'' Galileo was a dream come true. A powerful multi-function PC that fit in the palm of my hand. It had 16 megabytes of RAM, internet access, and cute howdy froggy desktop icons that made computing fun.
:'''Galileo''': Hey, Gretchen, don't look now but, you've got mail.
:'''Vince''': Whoa, that thing talks!
:'''Galileo''': Don't feel threatened, Vince. Computers are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': That's right, I loved a machine. Like a sister or kind uncle. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's twisted. But love it, I did. Then one day, everything changed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey, T.J., and Gretchen are sitting on the swings as Gus, Vince, and Spinelli approach them after searching everywhere for Gretchen's stolen Galileo]''
:'''Gus''': I looked in Miss Grotke's class.
:'''Vince''': And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[worried]'' This is a nightmare!
:'''T.J.''': Let's go over this again. You asked the diggers, you talked to the Ashleys, you checked the Lost and Found... ''[Gretchen's eyes widen open]'' You ''did'' check the Lost and Found, didn't you?
:''[Gretchen gets up from the swing and quickly runs to the Lost and Found]''
:'''Mikey''': I guess that was a no.
:'''Gretchen''': The Lost and Found box, Menlo. I need to see it, now!
:'''Menlo''': That's not the way it works. You tell me what you lost, and ''I'll'' tell you if it's in the box. Those are the rules.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[sighs]'' One Galileo hand-held PC Model G55 serial number 76502.
:'''Menlo''': Oh, yeah. ''[brings out the box]'' Spiffy little piece of tech. 300 meg chip, voice activated control, cellular email.
:'''Gretchen''': Yes, yes, that's it! Is it in there?
:'''Menlo''': Nope, I just like asking. I do remember seeing something like that, though.
:'''Gretchen''': Where?
:'''Menlo''': I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[grabs and pulls him by the collar; sharply]'' OUT WITH IT!
:'''Menlo''': Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt me! Yesterday at recess, I was…
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when nobody's home. He told me who had Galileo. It was Greg Skeens, the graffiti kid, guy who couldn't spell &quot;computer,&quot; much less use one. Menlo told me where to find him. I don't make it a habit to slum in the Third Street School underworld. But if I wanted Galileo back, I had to hold my nose and plunge in. ''[finds Greg Skeens drawing a graffiti of Finster]'' Nice work. You're a regular Degas.
:'''Skeens''': What'd you call me?
:'''Gretchen''': Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced my hand-held computer. About yea big, matte-black finish, soothing voice. Maybe you've seen it around.
:'''Skeens''': You mean that TV remote I found under the bench by the kickball field? I traded it for a stick of gum. Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.
:'''Gretchen''': Who?! Who did you trade it to?!
:'''Skeens''': Hey! I'm no blabbermouth. Now beat it. I'm busy. I need to write something nasty about Finster before the bell. Uh... how do you spell &quot;meanie?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Now what about ''your'' end of the bargain?
:'''Mundy''': I, uh, traded your thingamajig to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[horrified]'' You mean, Kurst the Worst? ''[voiceover]'' Skeens and Mundy were one thing, but Kurst… she was a force of danger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gretchen enters the cafeteria, looking for Kurst and finds her in the kitchen, digging around in the fridge and eating all the food]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[fiercely]'' Kurst, I want my Galileo computer! I know Mundy gave it to you and I want it back!
:'''Kurst''': That piece of junk? I traded it. You can't eat a copy thingy. Now butt off! I'm about to enjoy an all-I-can-eat buffet, courtesy of Third Street School.
:'''Gretchen''': But, but-
:'''Kurst''': You heard me, blow! Go on, dangle!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe I should've just turned around and walked away. Maybe I should've gone to the authorities and let the system do its job. Maybe I should've done a lot things, but I didn't. Before I knew it hit me, something inside me snapped. ''[shouting furiously]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;'''''KURST!!!'''''&lt;/span&gt; '''I WANT MY GALILEO, AND I WANT IT ''NOW!'''''
:'''Kurst''': Oh, you do, do ya? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I handed it over… TO SEÑOR PUDDING!
:''[The two girls start throwing food to each other while fighting; fade back to the present]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finishing up her story]'' I got Kirsten Kurst a couple of times, then she blindsided me with a bowl of tapioca. When I came to my senses, she was gone. I managed to sneak out of there, unseen, but by the time I was done wiping pudding out of my hair, Finster was all over me like a pig on sorbet.
:'''Sue Bob''': But I don't get it. How'd Finster finger you?
:'''Miss Lemon''': It was wasn't so tough, girly. Gretchen here, left a trail of clues a mile wide. &quot;Nefarious&quot; happens to be the word she won last year's spelling bee with. The viscosity of liquid soap was the subject of her blue ribbon science fair project, and finally, here's a tissue, for Pete's sake, you missed a spot of tapioca on your glasses. Oh, you're smart, Grundler, but it's all book and no street. ''[laughs]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[takes off her glasses to wipe off the tapioca spot]'' Anyway, I guess you could say I got what's coming to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[answers the phone]'' Yes, sir? I see. ''[hangs up]'' Okay, Grundler. He'll see you now.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gets up; to Sue Bob]'' Wish me luck. ''[enters Principal Prickly's office]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[sternly while she takes a seat in front of him]'' Well, well, Miss Grundler, you're the last person I would've expected to go rotten, but facts speak for themselves. As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.
:'''Gretchen''': I understand, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' It was a crazy end to a crazy story. Principal Prickly got so interested in what I was showing him on his computer, he forgot all about taking away my recess, though I did have to clean up the messes. Still, I got Galileo back, I survived my sordid journey through the Underworld, and I'm never going back there again.

===''Copycat Kid'' [2.7b] ===

===''Operation Stuart'' [2.8a] ===

===''Pharaoh Bob'' [2.8b] ===
:'''King Bob''': So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Bob''': I just wanted to be remembered.
:'''Gretchen''': I know Bob. But the thing is great leaders aren't remembered for the things they build. They're remembered for the things they do. 

===''The Story of Whomps'' [2.9a] ===
:'''T.J.''': Level 5? Man, this whomps!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Make that level 6! Ready to push me any further!?!?!

===''Weekend at Muriel's'' [2.9b] ===

===''Economics of Recess'' [2.10a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Everyone either works for you or just stands around and does nothing.
:'''T.J.''': Good point. Gus, start charging kids for standing around. We'll call it a loitering fee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': I don't need anyone! I'm a self-made boy! I'm king of the world!

===''Omega Kids'' [2.10b] ===

===''Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave'' [2.11] ===
:'''Gus''': Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.
:'''Mikey''': Oh, that wasn't Santa.
:'''T.J.''': It wasn't?
:'''Mikey''': No, that was an impostor. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.
:'''Vince''': So, where are we going now?
:'''Mikey''': To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.12a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[offended]'' It's not fair. It's just not fair.
:'''T.J.''': ''[also offended]'' Yeah, this whomps.
:'''Vince''': How come you guys get miss school and we don't?
:'''Gretchen''': Because the Young Inventors Fair is an invitational exposition.
:'''Spinelli''': Means you gotta be invited.
:'''Gretchen''': It's a great opportunity to show off exciting new ideas from smart young minds.
:'''Gus''': So why is Spinelli going with you?
:'''Spinelli''': 'Cause she needed a smart kid to be her assistance. Wanna make something of it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey gets his whole head covered in gum while trying to make the record for blowing up a big bubblegum]''
:'''Mikey''': No! This can't be happening!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.
:'''Mikey''': You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!
:'''T.J.''': What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.
:'''Mikey''': Tried it before. It froze my brain.
:'''Vince''': Cooking oil?
:'''Mikey''': Urban myth.
:'''Gus''': Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- ''[realizes]'' No, wait. That's for hiccups.
:'''Mikey''': I'M DOOMED!
:'''T.J.''': Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.
:'''Mikey''': How?
:'''T.J.''': All you do gotta do is get a haircut.
:'''Mikey''': But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.
:'''T.J.''': You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.
:'''Vince''': Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?
:'''T.J.''': Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?
:'''Mikey''': I don't know.
:'''T.J.''': Trust me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mikey''': ''[as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face]'' Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. ''[Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible haircut; screams in horror]''
:'''T.J.''': Was that a good &quot;ah&quot; or a bad one?
:'''Mikey''': YOU RUINED MY HAIR!
:'''T.J.''': Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.
:'''Mikey''': Your feelings?! What about my head?!

===''Dance Lessons'' [2.12b] ===

===''Principal for a Day'' [2.13a] ===

===''The Beauty Contest'' [2.13b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.
:'''Ashley Q.''': Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.
:'''Ashley A.''': I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em'...
:'''Spinelli''': ''[off screen]'' Like totally special delivery!

==Season 3==

===''One Stayed Clean'' [3.1a] ===

===''A Genius Among Us'' [3.1b] ===

===''Dodgeball City'' [3.2a] ===
:'''Mikey''': Fiddle on, thoughtless Nero, as your precious empire burns all around you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Hector''': Eventually I stopped calling him Safety Man and started calling him just Gus, but to me, he'll always be... El Diablo!

===''A Career to Remember'' [3.2b] ===

===''Kindergarten Derby'' [3.3a] ===

===''The Bet'' [3.3b] ===

===''Space Cadet'' [3.4a] ===

===''Stand Up Randall'' [3.4b] ===

===''The Shiner'' [3.5a] ===

===''Lord of the Nerds'' [3.5b] ===
:'''Store owner''': Knarf! Oh, forgive me! I didn't mean to cross a level 42 sword master!
:'''Frank''': I'll let you go this time, but watch out. The sword of Ganymede now hangs perilously close to your skull.

===''That Stinking Feeling'' [3.6a] ===

===''My Funny Valentines'' [3.6b] ===

===''The Barnaby Boys'' [3.7a] ===

===''Buried Treasure'' [3.7b] ===

===''The Library Kid'' [3.8a] ===

===''The Ratings Game'' [3.8b] ===

==Season 4==

===''The First Picture Show'' [4.1a] ===

===''The Big Prank'' [4.1b] ===

===''Hustler's Apprentice'' [4.2a] ===

===''The Spy Who Came in from the Playground'' [4.2b] ===

===''Gus' Fortune'' [4.3a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! '''&quot;Great riches will soon be yours.&quot;''' Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?
:'''T.J.''': Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. '''&quot;You will pass your greatest test with flying colors.&quot;''' Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.
:'''Mikey''': Me next.
:'''Vince''': No, me next.
:'''Gretchen''': I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. '''&quot;You will take a trip to an exotic land.&quot;''' My word, that is exciting! 
:'''Gus''': My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. '''&quot;Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?&quot;''' Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.
:''[Cut to Miss Grotke's classroom]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.
:'''T.J.''': 101%?
:'''Gretchen''': But that can't be right! I only got 100%.
:'''Mikey''': Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman]'' '''''GRISWALD!!!'''''
:'''Gelman''': Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing? 
:'''T.J.''': That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.
:''[Gelman screams and runs away]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[kindly]'' Uh... children. ''[the gang turns to her; infuriated]'' GET ME OUT OF HERE!

===''Rumor Mill'' [4.3b] ===

===''Recess is Cancelled'' [4.4a] ===

===''Tattletale Heart'' [4.4b] ===
:''[The gang are eating lunch in the cafeteria while Gus finishes drinking his carton of chocolate milk]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[impressed]'' Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?
:'''Gus''': I couldn't help myself, guys. I ''love'' chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. ''[takes a bite of his sandwich]'' An evil genius. Be right back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lawson''': FOOD FIGHT!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While all the kids are forced to clean up the mess in the cafeteria after their food fight…]''
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!
:'''Gus''': Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…
:'''T.J.''': ''[as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly]'' Don't say it, Gus.
:'''Gus''': But you don't understand! It was… ''[his friends cover his mouth again]''
:'''T.J.''': Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor. 
:'''Gus''': Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all. 
:'''Gretchen''': Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail.&quot;''' ''[sighs]'' It's pretty clear, all right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Attention, miscreants. You've (all) been cleaning for over an hour already, and no one's come forward to squeal. 
:'''Vince''': That's 'cause we've got the code. Right, guys? 
:'''Miss Finster''': You may be strong in a group. But we'll see how you hold up to individual interrogations. ''[Gus gulps nervously]'' We will start in alphabetical order. Beginning with… Adam Able. 
:'''Adam''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, man, I'm always first. Why couldn't I have been born Zebadiah Zwick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Care for a soda, Randall? 
:'''Randall''': Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do. 
:'''Miss Finster''': I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is. 
:'''Randall''': You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you. 
:'''Miss Finster''': It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Next!
:'''Gus''': ''[shouting in protest]'' YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TELL! THERE'S A CODE! AN UNBREAKABLE KID CODE! ''[covers his mouth]''
:'''Miss Finster''': A code, eh? Well, let's just see if we can't crack it. Forget the alphabets, sonny, you're next!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Gus. You okay, man?
:'''Spinelli''': Did you crack?
:'''T.J.''': Back off, guys. Give him some air.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… ''[sighs]'' Randall Weems.
:'''Randall''': No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!
:'''Miss Finster''': I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.
:'''Randall''': ''[berating Gus as he's being taken away]'' Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! ''A TATTLETALE!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': STOP! Unhand that boy.
:'''Jerome''': We'll get you later, Griswald, when your girlfriend's not around.
:'''Miss Finster''': Cute, Jerome, but this boy told me nothing. Poor Randall was fingered by science.

===''The Madness of King Bob'' [4.5a] ===

===''Call Me Guy'' [4.5b] ===

===''Prickly is Leaving'' [4.6a] ===

===''Randall's Friends'' [4.6b] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': The nerve of that birthday boy, leaving me to do my own grunt work. Let's see. Any evidence of contraband. Chewing gum? Candy wrappers? Hmm, what have we here? Jackpot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later. 
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Miss Finster''': This official memo proves that ''you're'' the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof. 
:'''T.J.''': I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up. 
:'''Randall''': I didn't. I... I-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': You and the birthday boy can iron out your differences later, after one week of level-4 detention. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[as Miss Finster takes him away]'' I'VE BEEN FRAMED! 
:'''Randall''': ''[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him]'' Anyone for a bounce?
:''[The gang angrily chase after him while bouncing in the bouncy house]''
:'''Vince''': When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon! 
:'''Randall''': But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

===''The Biggest Trouble Ever'' [4.7a]===
:'''Gus''': Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway? 
:'''Gretchen''': The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name. 
:'''Mikey''': Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here. 
:'''T.J.''': That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and-- 
:''[As they walk to the front of the school, they gasp in amazement when they see the statue]''
:'''Gretchen''': Thaddeus T. Third III! 
:'''Mikey''': He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, &quot;I'm an important fellow.&quot; 
:'''T.J.''': Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, &quot;Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing.&quot;
:''[The gang start to climb up the statue; On the other side of the curtain, Principal Prickly is making an announcement]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, &quot;big story news&quot; team. It is an honor to host this &quot;Welcome back, Thad&quot; celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!
:''[The curtains pull back, revealing the statue… and the gang on top of it, and the crowd gasp in shock]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[chuckles cheekily]'' How you doin', folks? 
:''[The statue suddenly starts to topple]''
:'''Spinelli''': He's going over! BAIL! 
:''[The gang jump off from the statue and it falls on the ground, destroyed; Mayor Fitzhugh babbles in horrified shock]'' 
:'''Mort Chalk''': You gettin' this?
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': ''[outraged]'' Prickly! Do you know what this means?!
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[before Prickly could say anything]'' He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. ''[to the gang]'' You six are in the biggest trouble ever!
:''[The gang gasp in shock]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night. 
:'''Gus''': Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35. 
:'''Mikey''': People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!
:'''T.J.''': Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.
:'''Vince''': Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[closing the window blinds while the gang watch Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile]'' No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals! 
:'''Gus''': Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.
:'''Miss Finster''': Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[baffled]'' New outfits? 
:''[The gang are now wearing orange prison jumpsuits]''
:'''Miss Finster''': My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust &quot;The Destructive Six&quot; are feeling constructive today? 
:'''T.J.''': Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are? 
:'''Miss Finster''': Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. ''[holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]''
:'''Gus''': But I already brushed my teeth.
:'''Miss Finster''': Oh, they're not for your teeth. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[The gang are then seen using the toothbrushes to clean the hallway floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The gang are in the cafeteria kitchen, peeling onions while weeping tearfully due to its reaction]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[tearfully]'' It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins. 
:'''Gretchen''': It's going to be okay, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': What are you talking about, &quot;brains?&quot; We're in the biggest trouble ever!
:'''Gretchen''': I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey. 
:'''T.J.''': Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler? 
:'''T.J.''': No, ma'am, I do not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up &quot;the Destructive Six,&quot; and scatter them throughout the district. 
:'''T.J.''': Mr. Mayor, can I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': I don't know. ''Can'' you? 
:'''T.J.''': Sorry, sir. ''May'' I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': That's better. 
:'''T.J.''': Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

===''The Rules'' [4.7b] ===

===''Gus and Misdemeanors'' [4.8a] ===

===''A Science Fair to Remember'' [4.8b] ===

===''Mikey's Pants'' [4.9a] ===

===''Here Comes Mr. Perfect'' [4.9b] ===

===''Good Luck Charm'' [4.10a] ===

===''Diggers Split Up'' [4.10b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Unless I'm mistaken… Diggers split up.

===''SchoolWorld'' [4.11a] ===

===''Bachelor Gus'' [4.11b] ===

===''The Dude'' [4.12a] ===

===''Partners in Crime'' [4.12b] ===

===''The Candidates'' [4.13a] ===

===''This Brain for Hire'' [4.13b] ===
:''[Night at Gretchen's house]''
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Gretchen, dear, are you still up?
:'''Gretchen''': Just finishing my homework, Mom.
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

===''Spinelli's Masterpiece'' [4.14a] ===

===''Nobody Doesn't Like T.J.'' [4.14b] ===
:''[T.J. is sitting in the cafeteria for his time in detention and he sighs]''
:'''Miss Finster''': No sighing in detention, Detweiler.
:'''T.J.''': Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.
:''[His friends are watching outside through the window]''
:'''Vince''': Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

===''A Great State Fair'' [4.15a] ===
:''[All the kids are boarding the buses for their field trip to the Great State Fair]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[holding her permission slip]'' Ah, the good ol' &quot;get out of class free&quot; card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his permission slip]'' This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign. 
:'''Gus''': ''[checking his pant pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip]'' Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! 
:'''Spinelli''': Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus. 
:'''Gus''': I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!
:'''Mikey''': Maybe your father could bring it from his office. 
:'''Gus''': He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and mom's out looking at drapes. 
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Grotke, we got a problem. 
:'''Spinelli''': Gus forgot his permission slip. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.
:''[Gus whimpers sadly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[to Gus and Gelman]'' All right, you left-behinds, it's fun time.

===''The A.V. Kid'' [4.15b] ===

===''Yope from Norway'' [4.16a] ===

===''Bonky Fever'' [4.16b] ===

===''Don't Ask Me'' [4.17a] ===
:''[As the kids corner Spinelli, angrily blaming her for the negative consequences of their actions and threatening to get their revenge on her]''
:'''Guru Kid''': ''[stepping in, defending her]'' Wait. This is not the way.
:'''Swinger Girl''': Step aside, skinny. Spinelli's got it coming!
:'''Guru Kid''': Does she? And why is that? Did you not all receive the help you sought?
:'''Kids''': Yeah and maybe.
:'''Guru Kid''': Blame not the advisor if one chooses to take her advice. Do we all not have the free will to do as we choose? Why not hold her responsible for her actions or you for yours
:'''Swinger Girl''': You know, turban boy make sense. I mean, nobody told us we had to listen to Spinelli.

===''The Secret Life of Grotke'' [4.17b] ===
:'''T.J.''': What we need is more proof. Let's all meet back here tomorrow morning early. Then we can really start investigating. One way or another, we're going to uncover the secret life of Grotke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.
:'''Gus''': Moldavakia?
:'''Spinelli''': Where the heck is that? 
:'''Gretchen''': Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage. 
:'''T.J.''': Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!
:'''Gus''': A spy?
:'''Gretchen''': My word.
:'''Spinelli''': A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe it. I won't believe it.
:'''T.J.''': Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's &quot;program&quot;... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.
:'''Gus''': But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of ''theirs?''

===''The Fuss Over Finster'' [4.18a] ===

===''Soccer Boy'' [4.18b] ===

===''Fort Tender'' [4.19a] ===

===''Germ Warfare'' [4.19b] ===

===''More Like Gretchen'' [4.20a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened. 
:'''Vince''': What happened? 
:'''T.J.''': The toy surprise was missing from your box.
:'''Spinelli''': Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum! 
:'''Gus''': The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!
:'''Spinelli''': Bingo. ''[the others gasp in shock]'' I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk. 
:'''T.J.''': My heart goes out to you, Spinelli. 
:'''Spinelli''': I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me. 
:'''Vince''': Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place. 
:'''T.J.''': Yeah, I'm kind of busy. 
:'''Gus''': I've got my reputation to worry about. 
:'''Spinelli''': Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come. 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. 
:'''Spinelli''': You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?
:'''Gretchen''': Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out. 
:'''Spinelli''': Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

===''Prince Randall'' [4.20b] ===
:''[T.J. is impersonating King Bob with his friends laughing hysterically]''
:'''T.J.''': Your king craves sustenance. ''[to Gretchen]'' You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat. 
:'''Gretchen''': Right away, Your Highness. 
:'''T.J.''': Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers. 
:'''Mikey''': But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.
:'''T.J.''': That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall! 
:'''Mikey''': A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right. 
:'''Vince''': Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob. 
:'''King Bob''': Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. ''[gesturing to Randall]''
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Randall''': Maybe I wasn't clear before. ''T.J.'' was making ''fun'' of you. 
:'''King Bob''': Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried &quot;king&quot; once too often. 
:'''Randall''': I'm not sure I follow.

===''Me No Know'' [4.21a] ===

===''Good Ole T.J.'' [4.21b] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': My goodness, no Gretchen? 
:'''Gus''': I win! Gretchen's never late, so she must be absent. At last, I've demonstrated true savvy. One pack of winger-dingers, please. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[annoyed]'' Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn? 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finally shows up late]'' Whew. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Gus''': ''[gives Spinelli back her Winger-Dingers; disappointed]'' You win. What was I thinking? Gretchen ''never'' misses school.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[satisfied]'' Never doubted her for a second.
:'''Gretchen''': I was answering Mr. Wood's questions about ionic bonding, and I'm afraid I lost track of time, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, too, Gretchen, but just the same, I'm going to have to enter this in your permanent record. ''[opens up her desk drawer and takes out Gretchen's permanent record]''
:''[The class gasp over this]''
:'''Mikey''': Not Gretchen. She's the finest of us all. 
:'''Gretchen''': I take full responsibility for my tardiness and I apologize for any delay it may have caused my classmates in their efforts to learn.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up really late]'' Morning, people. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': T.J., is there something you'd like to tell the class? 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah. Knock, knock. 
:'''Students''':  Who's there?
:'''T.J.''': Justin. 
:'''Students''': Justin who? 
:'''T.J.''': Just in time for class!
:''[All the kids laugh]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Such a clever boy. Take your seats. 
:'''Spinelli''': Good ole T.J. can get away with just about anything. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[coldly]'' Yes, good ole T.J. ''[later around lunchtime…]'' Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just swap this chocolate milk for a regular. Calcium's calcium, right? 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Whatever floats your boat, kid. 
:'''T.J.''': I don't have any money, ma'am, but I do have my marker. Don't worry. There's a whole pad more where that came from. 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': ''[chuckles]'' Good ole T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[offended]'' Indeed. 
:''[Later outside during recess…]''
:'''T.J.''': Snazzy day, huh, buds?
:'''Mikey''': Every day is snazzy to me, T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[chewing some gum]'' Yeah, the snazziest. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Grundler, is that gum in your mouth? 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, technically, yes, but, you see, it's a prototype gum substitute. I developed it myself. Though chewy, it is in no way sticky, and therefore-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': Therefore it's still gum. I'm assigning you to garbage detail for the rest of the week. Oh, and I suggest you bring gloves. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, ma'am. 
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[catching T.J. trying to tiptoe away]'' Not so fast, Detweiler. I know you're packing a wad. Open up and spit it out. 
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Miss Finster, it's true, but you see, it's prescription gum.
:'''Miss Finster''': I can't make head or tail of this chicken scratch. He must be an excellent dentist. 
:'''T.J.''': He says I have early stage gingi-something. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Gingivitis? That's the most insidious disease known to mouth. Now listen to me, T.J., if you want to grow up to have healthy teeth and gums like mine, just do as your dentist says and chew that gum. In fact, if I catch you and you're not chewing gum, I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky. Now, what's that over there? 
:'''Gus''': You don't really have gingi-something, do you, Teej? 
:'''T.J.''': No, Gus. That was just a little something I tucked away for emergencies. Phew. That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella. Water fountain, here I come. 
:'''Gus''': Good ole T.J. does it again. 
:'''Gretchen''': Gingi-something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Why so heavy on the books, Gretch? 
:'''Gretchen''': We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus. 
:'''T.J.''': That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff. 
:'''Gretchen''': We don't have to do research? 
:'''T.J.''': Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops. 
:'''Gretchen''': I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires ''real'' work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket. 
:'''T.J.''': Irritation of Meso-who? 
:'''Gretchen''': Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization. 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.
:'''Gretchen''': Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.
:'''Gretchen''': Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?
:'''Vince''': Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.
:'''Gretchen''': You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?
:'''Gus''': You can't do it. It can't be done.
:'''Gretchen''': My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Grotke''': Minimal pass.
:'''T.J.''': All right! The passing streak continues.
:'''Miss Grotke''': Not your best effort, Gretchen, but you slid by.

===''Chez Vince'' [4.22a] ===

===''Tucked in Mikey'' [4.22b] ===

===''Old Folks Home'' [4.23a] ===

===''Some Friend'' [4.23b] ===

==Season 5==

===''The Coolest Heatwave Ever'' [5.1a] ===

===''No Strings Attached'' [5.1b] ===

===''Beyond a Reasonable Scout'' [5.2a] ===

===''The C Note'' [5.2b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?
:'''T.J.''': Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!
:'''Spinelli''': Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, &quot;Strikeout!&quot; Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.
:'''Gretchen''': Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved. 
:'''Mikey''': That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack! 
:'''Spinelli''': About time you paid up, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P. 
:'''T.J.''': Classy, Vince. Very classy. 
:'''Gus''': I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. ''[screams as he flies out of control]'' How do I stop this thing?! ''[back to reality]'' Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.

===''The Army Navy Game'' [5.3a] ===

===''Big Ol' Mikey'' [5.3b] ===

===''The Principals of Golf'' [5.4a] ===

===''All the Principal's Men'' [5.4b] ===

===''Lawson and His Crew'' [5.5] ===

==Season 6==

===''Terrifying Tales of Recess'' [6.1] ===

===''Kurst the Not So Bad'' [6.2a] ===

===''League of Randalls'' [6.2b] ===

===''Mundy, Mundy'' [6.3a] ===

===''Lost Leader'' [6.3b] ===
Erwin Lawson: &quot;Aw Man, We lose!&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607074</id>
      <parentid>3607070</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:59:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Secret Life of Grotke [4.17b] */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''''' is a [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] animated series about the mischievous adventures of 6 children during recess, when the children form their own structured society. It spawned the films [[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]], [[w:Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade|Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade]], and [[w:Recess: All Growed Down|Recess: All Growed Down]].

== Season 1 ==
===''The Break In'' [1.1a] ===
:'''TJ''': Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': ''[Talking about T.J.]'' Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?
:'''The head kindergartner''': Let's eat 'em!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.
:'''Spinelli''': He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kid next to King Bob''': My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

===''The New Kid'' [1.1b] ===
:'''Mikey''': There are lots of people without names.
:'''Gus''': Like who?
:'''Mikey''': Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''': I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

===''The Experiment'' [1.2a] ===
:'''Butch''': The future... is ''girls''! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! ''[laughs diabolically]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?
:'''Gretchen''': Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!
:'''T.J.''': But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.
:'''Gretchen''': Which explains the D minus you got in Science. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Spinelli and T.J. kiss]''
:'''Spinelli''': Ack! Puke city!
:'''T.J.''': Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': You realize we may have to get married after this.
:'''Spinelli''': You realize I may have to kill you after this.

===''The Great Jungle Gym Standoff'' [1.2b] ===
:'''Spinelli''': The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!
:'''Randall''': Hey! That's ''my'' job!

===''Jinxed'' [1.3a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?
:'''Gus''': Adult animals?
:'''Spinelli''': Nothing, that's what!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''':Its My Harmonica!
:'''Ashleys''':Your What?
:'''Gus''':Its My...
:'''Ashleys''':Harmonica! Jinx!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Hey! One of you drop five bucks?
:'''Ashleys''': Oooo...
:'''T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey''': Scandalous! Jinx!

===''Officer Mikey'' [1.3b] ===
:''[looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney]''
:'''Spinelli''': We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. :''[four Kindergartners come forward]'' Er... Britney A.

===''First Name Ashley'' [1.4a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': We're all Ashleys, too.
:'''Ashley A''': But, you aren't even girls!
:'''Gus''': Hey, it's the nineties.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': There are a lot of Ashleys out there, but there's only one Spinelli.

===''To Finster With Love'' [1.4b] ===
:'''Finster''': ''[reading out grades]'' A… A… A… Ah, Randall, my trusted spy. A plus! A… A… A… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': F… F… F… Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy. The only kid around here I can count on. Ah, he's done so much for me. Hmm… D minus. F… F… F… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hank the Janitor''': Do you hear music?
:'''Finster''': Whenever I look at you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Ms. Finster?
:'''Finster''': Yes, Detwiler?
:'''T.J.''': ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?
:'''Finster''': Why, you little HOOLIGAN! ''[Runs after T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': She's back!

===''King Gus'' [1.5a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[singing]'' Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Madness! Madness!

===''Big Brother Chad'' [1.5b] ===
:'''Kindergartener''': Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chucko''': Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next!

===''My Fair Gretchen'' [1.6a] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': I think what Miss Finster's trying to say is, every year we give the fourth graders this little standardized test. You get a whole 45 minutes. It's not for a grade, so there's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Miss Finster''': You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

===''Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye'' [1.6b] ===
:'''King Bob''': Digging a hole in sixth-grade territory? How dare you! Take them to the dodgeball wall!

===''I Will Kick No More Forever'' [1.7a] ===
:'''Vince''': ''[watching an old video of himself]'' Man, did you see that kick? That was in my prime!
:'''Gretchen''': Vince, that was 2 weeks ago. 

===''The Kid Came Back'' [1.7b] ===
:''[Peanut Butter Kid leaves them with his sandwich]''
:'''Mikey''': This is all we have to remember him by.

===''The Pest'' [1.8a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': ''[as Jeffery pokes her in the back with a pencil]'' Quit it, Jeffery!
:'''Jefferey''': ''[innocently]'' Quit what?
:'''Gretchen''': You know, just quit it!

===''The Legend of Big Kid'' [1.8b] ===

===''The Box'' [1.9a] ===

===''The Trial'' [1.9b] ===
:'''King Bob''': ''[to Randall]'' You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. ''[Spinelli's eyes flush]''

===''Teachers Lounge'' [1.10a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[telling a joke]'' So then I say to the superintendent, &quot;That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!&quot;

===''Randall's Reform'' [1.10b] ===
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' I did it. Signed, T.J.?
:'''Finster''': AHA, a confession!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
:'''T.J.''': But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

===''Rainy Days'' [1.11a] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': Recess has been cancelled.
:'''Vince''': Cancelled? But why?
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[opens the door]'' Rain.
:''[Outside is shows rain pouring down from the dark clouds and thunder and lightning strikes]''
:'''Mikey''': The horror! The horror!

===''The Great Can Drive'' [1.11b] ===
:''[Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention]''
:'''Mikey''': Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?
:'''T.J.''': There's only one thing ''to'' say. Give me that can!
:''[The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid]''
:'''Mr. Prickly''': The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!
:''[The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over]''
:'''Ms. Finkelstein''': Look out, she's gonna blow!
:''[Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off]''
:'''Mikey''': Look what you've all done! Now ''nobody's'' gonna have a good Thanksgiving!
:''[The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did]''

===''The Voice'' [1.12a] ===

===''Kids in the Mist'' [1.12b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Old video out... new video in. ''[laughs manically; then starts gasping and coughing]'' I think I may have swallowed my retainer.

===''Parents' Night'' [1.13a] ===
:'''Flo Spinelli''': You must be B.J. He's the one our little honey bunny has the crush on.
:'''Spinelli''': Mom!

===''Swing on Thru to the Other Side'' [1.13b] ===

== Season 2 ==

===''The Break-Up'' [2.1a] ===

===''The Hypnotist'' [2.1b] ===
:''[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]''
:'''Spinelli''': ...Did he just do what I think he did?
:'''Mikey''': Yup.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[She screams to show her reaction; she tries to run after Prickly, but gets grabbed by Mikey]'' LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

===''Mama's Girl'' [2.2a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Miss Grotke handing back the class their graded book reports]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[shocked when he gets a C-minus on his book report]'' C-minus?! Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, T.J., but &quot;A roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down&quot; is not a book report… It's a cover blurb.
:'''T.J.''': Oops. ''[chuckles embarrassingly]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': ''[seeing Miss Grotke not noticing a mud puddle, which she's about to step in]'' Oh, no! Look out, ''MAMA!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Here you go, just like mama makes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As she runs away, Spinelli slows down and looks at the sidewalk; she examines and takes notice at the neon sign that says &quot;Manny Matt's Grill&quot; on the window. As she is still looking, the letters of the sign blew off and began to say what each word says when some letters are blew off.]''
:'''Spinelli''': &quot;Ma, Ma's, Gr ll...?&quot; ''[closes her eyes and covers her ears, having a frustrated expression on her face; feels the world mocking her, and begins to exclaim a powerful scream to show her reaction]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''''' ''[While screaming, she turns around and consumes the camera as the German Sheppard dog still repeatedly shouts, &quot;Mama's girl!&quot; The scene ends with a black screen, in which her throat is already zoomed in, stopping the scream and ending the scene]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gus''': Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': You know, there's one thing I still don't understand. Why did the subliminal message fail? Works all the time for Madison Avenue.
:'''Vince''': Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

===''Outcast Ashley'' [2.2b] ===
:''[T.J. and friends see Gretchen approaching them in a big box]''
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, is that you?
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? ''[bumps into the fence]''

===''The Game'' [2.3a] ===
:''[Ajimbo has turned everyone into zombies who try to force the game onto T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': No! I won't give in. I won't let this thing beat me!
:'''Mikey''': ''[zombielike]'' It's no use, T.J. Eventually you will join us.

===''The Lost Ball'' [2.3b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Look what your little friend did now, T.J.

===''Gus' Last Stand'' [2.4a] ===
:'''Gus''': Gosh! Who'd have thought? Little Belgium winning over big Germany!
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Winning? Ha! They got the stuffing kicked out of them!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gus''': I guess I lost the battle, sir.
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Yes, but it looks like you won the war.

===''Operation Field Trip'' [2.4b] ===

===''The Challenge'' [2.5a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[shouting]'' Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! ''[Kids stare at him]'' Oh, and have fun.

===''Wild Child'' [2.5b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Repeat after me. The rain...
:Kindergartener: The wain...
:'''Gretchen''': In Spain...
:Kindergartener: In Pain...
:'''Gretchen''': Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.
:Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

===''The Substitute'' [2.6a] ===
:'''Mr. E''': That information comes at a terrible price. Are you willing to pay it?
:''[Phil shrinks back into his seat]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Mr. E, I hope the fact that the government has quashed my research won't hurt my final grade.
:'''Mr. E''': It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': Say, Mr. E., there's something that's been bugging me: could you tell me what the E stands for?
:'''Mr. E''': No.
:'''T.J.''': You are so cool!

===''Gretchen and the Secret of Yo'' [2.6b] ===
:'''Mikey''': I just don't get it? Why would the chicken wanna make us think he taste good? Doesn't he know what happens to tasty chickens?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Well, excuse me! For once in my life I'm good at a real sport! A sport with trophies! It's important to me, okay?! More important than any science fair, quiz bowl, or chess tournament I've ever been in! If you guys can't support me, then so-rry!

===''The Girl was Trouble'' [2.7a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Randall calling all the kids to line-up in five rows]''
:'''Vince''': Man, someone must be in big trouble. Finster hasn't cancelled recess since Billy Stoler short-sheeted her support hose.
:'''T.J.''': She was limping for three days.
:'''Randall''': ''[as Miss Finster appears; through megaphone] Ten-hut!''
:''[The kids all line-up]''
:'''Miss Finster''': This week, we've since a crime wave unparalleled in Third Street history. Someone on this playground is responsible for breaching nearly every rule he hold sacred.
:'''Mikey''': Even the cannibalism taboo?
:'''Miss Finster''': Evidence connects a single mastermind with these crimes. '''''One''''' kid who's done it all. Written graffiti, mocking the faculty, de-faced restrooms, stolen food from the cafeteria, and made a complete mess of the mess area! This someone will be going directly to Principal Prickly's office. This someone will receive severe punishment befitting these atrocities. This someone…is Gretchen P. Grundler!
:''[The kids all gasp in shock at Gretchen, revealing her to be the culprit]''
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid in school!
:'''Vince''': Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake!
:'''Spinelli''': Tell her, Gretchen!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gloomy]'' No, guys, she's right. Take me away, Miss Finster.
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, what are you saying?
:'''Gretchen''': Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J. I'm nothing but trouble.
:''[The episode's title appears]''
:'''Miss Finster''': March, young lady!
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen gone bad? It can't be!
:'''Mikey''': Down is up, black is white, and the Millennium approaches!
:''[Miss Finster escorts Gretchen to Principal Prickly's office as they enter the building]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' I know what you're asking. How did it happen? How did Gretchen (Priscilla) Grundler, straight-A student, end up taking the long walk to the principal's office? It's a story as long as the lines at Gonzo World, but without the free refills.
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[typing her typewriter]'' We've been expecting you, Grundler. Take a seat. Principal Prickly will be with you in a moment.
:''[Gretchen takes a seat on a bench next to Sue Bob Murphy]''
:'''Sue Bob''': Well, well, if it ain't Goody-Two-Shoes Grundler. What'd you do, Grundler, get too many A's?
:'''Gretchen''': I'm not in the mood, Murphy.
:'''Sue Bob''': Oh, come on, Grundler. Where's your sense of humor? When you're about to face the man, sometimes that's all you got. So, what you in for?
:'''Gretchen''': It's a long story.
:'''Sue Bob''': Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' She had a point. I don't know what it was that finally made me spill. Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness. Maybe it was the clickety-clack of Miss Lemon's typewriter. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt compelled to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale. ''[telling Sue Bob everything about all the crimes she committed]'' It all started about a week ago on my birthday. ''[story beings on her birthday; voiceover]'' It was a great day. My favorite Uncle George gave me the best gift I ever got. A Galileo hand-held personal computer. ''[meets up with her friends in the cafeteria around lunchtime]'' Galileo was a dream come true. A powerful multi-function PC that fit in the palm of my hand. It had 16 megabytes of RAM, internet access, and cute howdy froggy desktop icons that made computing fun.
:'''Galileo''': Hey, Gretchen, don't look now but, you've got mail.
:'''Vince''': Whoa, that thing talks!
:'''Galileo''': Don't feel threatened, Vince. Computers are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': That's right, I loved a machine. Like a sister or kind uncle. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's twisted. But love it, I did. Then one day, everything changed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey, T.J., and Gretchen are sitting on the swings as Gus, Vince, and Spinelli approach them after searching everywhere for Gretchen's stolen Galileo]''
:'''Gus''': I looked in Miss Grotke's class.
:'''Vince''': And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[worried]'' This is a nightmare!
:'''T.J.''': Let's go over this again. You asked the diggers, you talked to the Ashleys, you checked the Lost and Found... ''[Gretchen's eyes widen open]'' You ''did'' check the Lost and Found, didn't you?
:''[Gretchen gets up from the swing and quickly runs to the Lost and Found]''
:'''Mikey''': I guess that was a no.
:'''Gretchen''': The Lost and Found box, Menlo. I need to see it, now!
:'''Menlo''': That's not the way it works. You tell me what you lost, and ''I'll'' tell you if it's in the box. Those are the rules.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[sighs]'' One Galileo hand-held PC Model G55 serial number 76502.
:'''Menlo''': Oh, yeah. ''[brings out the box]'' Spiffy little piece of tech. 300 meg chip, voice activated control, cellular email.
:'''Gretchen''': Yes, yes, that's it! Is it in there?
:'''Menlo''': Nope, I just like asking. I do remember seeing something like that, though.
:'''Gretchen''': Where?
:'''Menlo''': I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[grabs and pulls him by the collar; sharply]'' OUT WITH IT!
:'''Menlo''': Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt me! Yesterday at recess, I was…
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when nobody's home. He told me who had Galileo. It was Greg Skeens, the graffiti kid, guy who couldn't spell &quot;computer,&quot; much less use one. Menlo told me where to find him. I don't make it a habit to slum in the Third Street School underworld. But if I wanted Galileo back, I had to hold my nose and plunge in. ''[finds Greg Skeens drawing a graffiti of Finster]'' Nice work. You're a regular Degas.
:'''Skeens''': What'd you call me?
:'''Gretchen''': Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced my hand-held computer. About yea big, matte-black finish, soothing voice. Maybe you've seen it around.
:'''Skeens''': You mean that TV remote I found under the bench by the kickball field? I traded it for a stick of gum. Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.
:'''Gretchen''': Who?! Who did you trade it to?!
:'''Skeens''': Hey! I'm no blabbermouth. Now beat it. I'm busy. I need to write something nasty about Finster before the bell. Uh... how do you spell &quot;meanie?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Now what about ''your'' end of the bargain?
:'''Mundy''': I, uh, traded your thingamajig to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[horrified]'' You mean, Kurst the Worst? ''[voiceover]'' Skeens and Mundy were one thing, but Kurst… she was a force of danger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gretchen enters the cafeteria, looking for Kurst and finds her in the kitchen, digging around in the fridge and eating all the food]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[fiercely]'' Kurst, I want my Galileo computer! I know Mundy gave it to you and I want it back!
:'''Kurst''': That piece of junk? I traded it. You can't eat a copy thingy. Now butt off! I'm about to enjoy an all-I-can-eat buffet, courtesy of Third Street School.
:'''Gretchen''': But, but-
:'''Kurst''': You heard me, blow! Go on, dangle!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe I should've just turned around and walked away. Maybe I should've gone to the authorities and let the system do its job. Maybe I should've done a lot things, but I didn't. Before I knew it hit me, something inside me snapped. ''[shouting furiously]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;'''''KURST!!!'''''&lt;/span&gt; '''I WANT MY GALILEO, AND I WANT IT ''NOW!'''''
:'''Kurst''': Oh, you do, do ya? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I handed it over… TO SEÑOR PUDDING!
:''[The two girls start throwing food to each other while fighting; fade back to the present]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finishing up her story]'' I got Kirsten Kurst a couple of times, then she blindsided me with a bowl of tapioca. When I came to my senses, she was gone. I managed to sneak out of there, unseen, but by the time I was done wiping pudding out of my hair, Finster was all over me like a pig on sorbet.
:'''Sue Bob''': But I don't get it. How'd Finster finger you?
:'''Miss Lemon''': It was wasn't so tough, girly. Gretchen here, left a trail of clues a mile wide. &quot;Nefarious&quot; happens to be the word she won last year's spelling bee with. The viscosity of liquid soap was the subject of her blue ribbon science fair project, and finally, here's a tissue, for Pete's sake, you missed a spot of tapioca on your glasses. Oh, you're smart, Grundler, but it's all book and no street. ''[laughs]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[takes off her glasses to wipe off the tapioca spot]'' Anyway, I guess you could say I got what's coming to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[answers the phone]'' Yes, sir? I see. ''[hangs up]'' Okay, Grundler. He'll see you now.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gets up; to Sue Bob]'' Wish me luck. ''[enters Principal Prickly's office]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[sternly while she takes a seat in front of him]'' Well, well, Miss Grundler, you're the last person I would've expected to go rotten, but facts speak for themselves. As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.
:'''Gretchen''': I understand, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' It was a crazy end to a crazy story. Principal Prickly got so interested in what I was showing him on his computer, he forgot all about taking away my recess, though I did have to clean up the messes. Still, I got Galileo back, I survived my sordid journey through the Underworld, and I'm never going back there again.

===''Copycat Kid'' [2.7b] ===

===''Operation Stuart'' [2.8a] ===

===''Pharaoh Bob'' [2.8b] ===
:'''King Bob''': So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Bob''': I just wanted to be remembered.
:'''Gretchen''': I know Bob. But the thing is great leaders aren't remembered for the things they build. They're remembered for the things they do. 

===''The Story of Whomps'' [2.9a] ===
:'''T.J.''': Level 5? Man, this whomps!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Make that level 6! Ready to push me any further!?!?!

===''Weekend at Muriel's'' [2.9b] ===

===''Economics of Recess'' [2.10a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Everyone either works for you or just stands around and does nothing.
:'''T.J.''': Good point. Gus, start charging kids for standing around. We'll call it a loitering fee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': I don't need anyone! I'm a self-made boy! I'm king of the world!

===''Omega Kids'' [2.10b] ===

===''Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave'' [2.11] ===
:'''Gus''': Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.
:'''Mikey''': Oh, that wasn't Santa.
:'''T.J.''': It wasn't?
:'''Mikey''': No, that was an impostor. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.
:'''Vince''': So, where are we going now?
:'''Mikey''': To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.12a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[offended]'' It's not fair. It's just not fair.
:'''T.J.''': ''[also offended]'' Yeah, this whomps.
:'''Vince''': How come you guys get miss school and we don't?
:'''Gretchen''': Because the Young Inventors Fair is an invitational exposition.
:'''Spinelli''': Means you gotta be invited.
:'''Gretchen''': It's a great opportunity to show off exciting new ideas from smart young minds.
:'''Gus''': So why is Spinelli going with you?
:'''Spinelli''': 'Cause she needed a smart kid to be her assistance. Wanna make something of it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey gets his whole head covered in gum while trying to make the record for blowing up a big bubblegum]''
:'''Mikey''': No! This can't be happening!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.
:'''Mikey''': You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!
:'''T.J.''': What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.
:'''Mikey''': Tried it before. It froze my brain.
:'''Vince''': Cooking oil?
:'''Mikey''': Urban myth.
:'''Gus''': Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- ''[realizes]'' No, wait. That's for hiccups.
:'''Mikey''': I'M DOOMED!
:'''T.J.''': Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.
:'''Mikey''': How?
:'''T.J.''': All you do gotta do is get a haircut.
:'''Mikey''': But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.
:'''T.J.''': You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.
:'''Vince''': Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?
:'''T.J.''': Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?
:'''Mikey''': I don't know.
:'''T.J.''': Trust me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mikey''': ''[as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face]'' Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. ''[Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible haircut; screams in horror]''
:'''T.J.''': Was that a good &quot;ah&quot; or a bad one?
:'''Mikey''': YOU RUINED MY HAIR!
:'''T.J.''': Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.
:'''Mikey''': Your feelings?! What about my head?!

===''Dance Lessons'' [2.12b] ===

===''Principal for a Day'' [2.13a] ===

===''The Beauty Contest'' [2.13b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.
:'''Ashley Q.''': Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.
:'''Ashley A.''': I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em'...
:'''Spinelli''': ''[off screen]'' Like totally special delivery!

==Season 3==

===''One Stayed Clean'' [3.1a] ===

===''A Genius Among Us'' [3.1b] ===

===''Dodgeball City'' [3.2a] ===
:'''Mikey''': Fiddle on, thoughtless Nero, as your precious empire burns all around you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Hector''': Eventually I stopped calling him Safety Man and started calling him just Gus, but to me, he'll always be... El Diablo!

===''A Career to Remember'' [3.2b] ===

===''Kindergarten Derby'' [3.3a] ===

===''The Bet'' [3.3b] ===

===''Space Cadet'' [3.4a] ===

===''Stand Up Randall'' [3.4b] ===

===''The Shiner'' [3.5a] ===

===''Lord of the Nerds'' [3.5b] ===
:'''Store owner''': Knarf! Oh, forgive me! I didn't mean to cross a level 42 sword master!
:'''Frank''': I'll let you go this time, but watch out. The sword of Ganymede now hangs perilously close to your skull.

===''That Stinking Feeling'' [3.6a] ===

===''My Funny Valentines'' [3.6b] ===

===''The Barnaby Boys'' [3.7a] ===

===''Buried Treasure'' [3.7b] ===

===''The Library Kid'' [3.8a] ===

===''The Ratings Game'' [3.8b] ===

==Season 4==

===''The First Picture Show'' [4.1a] ===

===''The Big Prank'' [4.1b] ===

===''Hustler's Apprentice'' [4.2a] ===

===''The Spy Who Came in from the Playground'' [4.2b] ===

===''Gus' Fortune'' [4.3a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! '''&quot;Great riches will soon be yours.&quot;''' Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?
:'''T.J.''': Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. '''&quot;You will pass your greatest test with flying colors.&quot;''' Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.
:'''Mikey''': Me next.
:'''Vince''': No, me next.
:'''Gretchen''': I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. '''&quot;You will take a trip to an exotic land.&quot;''' My word, that is exciting! 
:'''Gus''': My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. '''&quot;Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?&quot;''' Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.
:''[Cut to Miss Grotke's classroom]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.
:'''T.J.''': 101%?
:'''Gretchen''': But that can't be right! I only got 100%.
:'''Mikey''': Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman]'' '''''GRISWALD!!!'''''
:'''Gelman''': Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing? 
:'''T.J.''': That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.
:''[Gelman screams and runs away]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[kindly]'' Uh... children. ''[the gang turns to her; infuriated]'' GET ME OUT OF HERE!

===''Rumor Mill'' [4.3b] ===

===''Recess is Cancelled'' [4.4a] ===

===''Tattletale Heart'' [4.4b] ===
:''[The gang are eating lunch in the cafeteria while Gus finishes drinking his carton of chocolate milk]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[impressed]'' Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?
:'''Gus''': I couldn't help myself, guys. I ''love'' chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. ''[takes a bite of his sandwich]'' An evil genius. Be right back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lawson''': FOOD FIGHT!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While all the kids are forced to clean up the mess in the cafeteria after their food fight…]''
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!
:'''Gus''': Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…
:'''T.J.''': ''[as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly]'' Don't say it, Gus.
:'''Gus''': But you don't understand! It was… ''[his friends cover his mouth again]''
:'''T.J.''': Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor. 
:'''Gus''': Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all. 
:'''Gretchen''': Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail.&quot;''' ''[sighs]'' It's pretty clear, all right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Attention, miscreants. You've (all) been cleaning for over an hour already, and no one's come forward to squeal. 
:'''Vince''': That's 'cause we've got the code. Right, guys? 
:'''Miss Finster''': You may be strong in a group. But we'll see how you hold up to individual interrogations. ''[Gus gulps nervously]'' We will start in alphabetical order. Beginning with… Adam Able. 
:'''Adam''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, man, I'm always first. Why couldn't I have been born Zebadiah Zwick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Care for a soda, Randall? 
:'''Randall''': Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do. 
:'''Miss Finster''': I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is. 
:'''Randall''': You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you. 
:'''Miss Finster''': It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Next!
:'''Gus''': ''[shouting in protest]'' YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TELL! THERE'S A CODE! AN UNBREAKABLE KID CODE! ''[covers his mouth]''
:'''Miss Finster''': A code, eh? Well, let's just see if we can't crack it. Forget the alphabets, sonny, you're next!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Gus. You okay, man?
:'''Spinelli''': Did you crack?
:'''T.J.''': Back off, guys. Give him some air.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… ''[sighs]'' Randall Weems.
:'''Randall''': No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!
:'''Miss Finster''': I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.
:'''Randall''': ''[berating Gus as he's being taken away]'' Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! ''A TATTLETALE!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': STOP! Unhand that boy.
:'''Jerome''': We'll get you later, Griswald, when your girlfriend's not around.
:'''Miss Finster''': Cute, Jerome, but this boy told me nothing. Poor Randall was fingered by science.

===''The Madness of King Bob'' [4.5a] ===

===''Call Me Guy'' [4.5b] ===

===''Prickly is Leaving'' [4.6a] ===

===''Randall's Friends'' [4.6b] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': The nerve of that birthday boy, leaving me to do my own grunt work. Let's see. Any evidence of contraband. Chewing gum? Candy wrappers? Hmm, what have we here? Jackpot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later. 
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Miss Finster''': This official memo proves that ''you're'' the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof. 
:'''T.J.''': I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up. 
:'''Randall''': I didn't. I... I-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': You and the birthday boy can iron out your differences later, after one week of level-4 detention. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[as Miss Finster takes him away]'' I'VE BEEN FRAMED! 
:'''Randall''': ''[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him]'' Anyone for a bounce?
:''[The gang angrily chase after him while bouncing in the bouncy house]''
:'''Vince''': When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon! 
:'''Randall''': But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

===''The Biggest Trouble Ever'' [4.7a]===
:'''Gus''': Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway? 
:'''Gretchen''': The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name. 
:'''Mikey''': Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here. 
:'''T.J.''': That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and-- 
:''[As they walk to the front of the school, they gasp in amazement when they see the statue]''
:'''Gretchen''': Thaddeus T. Third III! 
:'''Mikey''': He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, &quot;I'm an important fellow.&quot; 
:'''T.J.''': Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, &quot;Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing.&quot;
:''[The gang start to climb up the statue; On the other side of the curtain, Principal Prickly is making an announcement]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, &quot;big story news&quot; team. It is an honor to host this &quot;Welcome back, Thad&quot; celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!
:''[The curtains pull back, revealing the statue… and the gang on top of it, and the crowd gasp in shock]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[chuckles cheekily]'' How you doin', folks? 
:''[The statue suddenly starts to topple]''
:'''Spinelli''': He's going over! BAIL! 
:''[The gang jump off from the statue and it falls on the ground, destroyed; Mayor Fitzhugh babbles in horrified shock]'' 
:'''Mort Chalk''': You gettin' this?
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': ''[outraged]'' Prickly! Do you know what this means?!
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[before Prickly could say anything]'' He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. ''[to the gang]'' You six are in the biggest trouble ever!
:''[The gang gasp in shock]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night. 
:'''Gus''': Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35. 
:'''Mikey''': People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!
:'''T.J.''': Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.
:'''Vince''': Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[closing the window blinds while the gang watch Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile]'' No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals! 
:'''Gus''': Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.
:'''Miss Finster''': Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[baffled]'' New outfits? 
:''[The gang are now wearing orange prison jumpsuits]''
:'''Miss Finster''': My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust &quot;The Destructive Six&quot; are feeling constructive today? 
:'''T.J.''': Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are? 
:'''Miss Finster''': Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. ''[holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]''
:'''Gus''': But I already brushed my teeth.
:'''Miss Finster''': Oh, they're not for your teeth. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[The gang are then seen using the toothbrushes to clean the hallway floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The gang are in the cafeteria kitchen, peeling onions while weeping tearfully due to its reaction]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[tearfully]'' It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins. 
:'''Gretchen''': It's going to be okay, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': What are you talking about, &quot;brains?&quot; We're in the biggest trouble ever!
:'''Gretchen''': I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey. 
:'''T.J.''': Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler? 
:'''T.J.''': No, ma'am, I do not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up &quot;the Destructive Six,&quot; and scatter them throughout the district. 
:'''T.J.''': Mr. Mayor, can I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': I don't know. ''Can'' you? 
:'''T.J.''': Sorry, sir. ''May'' I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': That's better. 
:'''T.J.''': Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

===''The Rules'' [4.7b] ===

===''Gus and Misdemeanors'' [4.8a] ===

===''A Science Fair to Remember'' [4.8b] ===

===''Mikey's Pants'' [4.9a] ===

===''Here Comes Mr. Perfect'' [4.9b] ===

===''Good Luck Charm'' [4.10a] ===

===''Diggers Split Up'' [4.10b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Unless I'm mistaken… Diggers split up.

===''SchoolWorld'' [4.11a] ===

===''Bachelor Gus'' [4.11b] ===

===''The Dude'' [4.12a] ===

===''Partners in Crime'' [4.12b] ===

===''The Candidates'' [4.13a] ===

===''This Brain for Hire'' [4.13b] ===
:''[Night at Gretchen's house]''
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Gretchen, dear, are you still up?
:'''Gretchen''': Just finishing my homework, Mom.
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

===''Spinelli's Masterpiece'' [4.14a] ===

===''Nobody Doesn't Like T.J.'' [4.14b] ===
:''[T.J. is sitting in the cafeteria for his time in detention and he sighs]''
:'''Miss Finster''': No sighing in detention, Detweiler.
:'''T.J.''': Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.
:''[His friends are watching outside through the window]''
:'''Vince''': Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

===''A Great State Fair'' [4.15a] ===
:''[All the kids are boarding the buses for their field trip to the Great State Fair]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[holding her permission slip]'' Ah, the good ol' &quot;get out of class free&quot; card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his permission slip]'' This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign. 
:'''Gus''': ''[checking his pant pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip]'' Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! 
:'''Spinelli''': Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus. 
:'''Gus''': I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!
:'''Mikey''': Maybe your father could bring it from his office. 
:'''Gus''': He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and mom's out looking at drapes. 
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Grotke, we got a problem. 
:'''Spinelli''': Gus forgot his permission slip. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.
:''[Gus whimpers sadly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[to Gus and Gelman]'' All right, you left-behinds, it's fun time.

===''The A.V. Kid'' [4.15b] ===

===''Yope from Norway'' [4.16a] ===

===''Bonky Fever'' [4.16b] ===

===''Don't Ask Me'' [4.17a] ===
:''[As the kids corner Spinelli, angrily blaming her for the negative consequences of their actions and threatening to get their revenge on her]''
:'''Guru Kid''': ''[stepping in, defending her]'' Wait. This is not the way.
:'''Swinger Girl''': Step aside, skinny. Spinelli's got it coming!
:'''Guru Kid''': Does she? And why is that? Did you not all receive the help you sought?
:'''Kids''': Yeah and maybe.
:'''Guru Kid''': Blame not the advisor if one chooses to take her advice. Do we all not have the free will to do as we choose? Why not hold her responsible for her actions or you for yours
:'''Swinger Girl''': You know, turban boy make sense. I mean, nobody told us we had to listen to Spinelli.

===''The Secret Life of Grotke'' [4.17b] ===
:'''Mikey''': That was really strange. 
:'''Spinelli''': Miss Grotke never got a phone call in class before. 
:'''Vince''': Or ran out of school without asking us if we had any questions. 
:'''Gus''': Yeah, and she didn't flash us her usual two-sign. 
:'''Gretchen''': That's a peace sign, Gus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': What we need is more proof. Let's all meet back here tomorrow morning early. Then we can really start investigating. One way or another, we're going to uncover the secret life of Grotke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.
:'''Gus''': Moldavakia?
:'''Spinelli''': Where the heck is that? 
:'''Gretchen''': Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage. 
:'''T.J.''': Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!
:'''Gus''': A spy?
:'''Gretchen''': My word.
:'''Spinelli''': A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe it. I won't believe it.
:'''T.J.''': Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's &quot;program&quot;... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.
:'''Gus''': But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of ''theirs?''

===''The Fuss Over Finster'' [4.18a] ===

===''Soccer Boy'' [4.18b] ===

===''Fort Tender'' [4.19a] ===

===''Germ Warfare'' [4.19b] ===

===''More Like Gretchen'' [4.20a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened. 
:'''Vince''': What happened? 
:'''T.J.''': The toy surprise was missing from your box.
:'''Spinelli''': Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum! 
:'''Gus''': The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!
:'''Spinelli''': Bingo. ''[the others gasp in shock]'' I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk. 
:'''T.J.''': My heart goes out to you, Spinelli. 
:'''Spinelli''': I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me. 
:'''Vince''': Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place. 
:'''T.J.''': Yeah, I'm kind of busy. 
:'''Gus''': I've got my reputation to worry about. 
:'''Spinelli''': Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come. 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. 
:'''Spinelli''': You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?
:'''Gretchen''': Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out. 
:'''Spinelli''': Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

===''Prince Randall'' [4.20b] ===
:''[T.J. is impersonating King Bob with his friends laughing hysterically]''
:'''T.J.''': Your king craves sustenance. ''[to Gretchen]'' You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat. 
:'''Gretchen''': Right away, Your Highness. 
:'''T.J.''': Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers. 
:'''Mikey''': But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.
:'''T.J.''': That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall! 
:'''Mikey''': A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right. 
:'''Vince''': Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob. 
:'''King Bob''': Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. ''[gesturing to Randall]''
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Randall''': Maybe I wasn't clear before. ''T.J.'' was making ''fun'' of you. 
:'''King Bob''': Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried &quot;king&quot; once too often. 
:'''Randall''': I'm not sure I follow.

===''Me No Know'' [4.21a] ===

===''Good Ole T.J.'' [4.21b] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': My goodness, no Gretchen? 
:'''Gus''': I win! Gretchen's never late, so she must be absent. At last, I've demonstrated true savvy. One pack of winger-dingers, please. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[annoyed]'' Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn? 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finally shows up late]'' Whew. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Gus''': ''[gives Spinelli back her Winger-Dingers; disappointed]'' You win. What was I thinking? Gretchen ''never'' misses school.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[satisfied]'' Never doubted her for a second.
:'''Gretchen''': I was answering Mr. Wood's questions about ionic bonding, and I'm afraid I lost track of time, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, too, Gretchen, but just the same, I'm going to have to enter this in your permanent record. ''[opens up her desk drawer and takes out Gretchen's permanent record]''
:''[The class gasp over this]''
:'''Mikey''': Not Gretchen. She's the finest of us all. 
:'''Gretchen''': I take full responsibility for my tardiness and I apologize for any delay it may have caused my classmates in their efforts to learn.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up really late]'' Morning, people. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': T.J., is there something you'd like to tell the class? 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah. Knock, knock. 
:'''Students''':  Who's there?
:'''T.J.''': Justin. 
:'''Students''': Justin who? 
:'''T.J.''': Just in time for class!
:''[All the kids laugh]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Such a clever boy. Take your seats. 
:'''Spinelli''': Good ole T.J. can get away with just about anything. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[coldly]'' Yes, good ole T.J. ''[later around lunchtime…]'' Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just swap this chocolate milk for a regular. Calcium's calcium, right? 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Whatever floats your boat, kid. 
:'''T.J.''': I don't have any money, ma'am, but I do have my marker. Don't worry. There's a whole pad more where that came from. 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': ''[chuckles]'' Good ole T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[offended]'' Indeed. 
:''[Later outside during recess…]''
:'''T.J.''': Snazzy day, huh, buds?
:'''Mikey''': Every day is snazzy to me, T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[chewing some gum]'' Yeah, the snazziest. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Grundler, is that gum in your mouth? 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, technically, yes, but, you see, it's a prototype gum substitute. I developed it myself. Though chewy, it is in no way sticky, and therefore-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': Therefore it's still gum. I'm assigning you to garbage detail for the rest of the week. Oh, and I suggest you bring gloves. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, ma'am. 
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[catching T.J. trying to tiptoe away]'' Not so fast, Detweiler. I know you're packing a wad. Open up and spit it out. 
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Miss Finster, it's true, but you see, it's prescription gum.
:'''Miss Finster''': I can't make head or tail of this chicken scratch. He must be an excellent dentist. 
:'''T.J.''': He says I have early stage gingi-something. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Gingivitis? That's the most insidious disease known to mouth. Now listen to me, T.J., if you want to grow up to have healthy teeth and gums like mine, just do as your dentist says and chew that gum. In fact, if I catch you and you're not chewing gum, I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky. Now, what's that over there? 
:'''Gus''': You don't really have gingi-something, do you, Teej? 
:'''T.J.''': No, Gus. That was just a little something I tucked away for emergencies. Phew. That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella. Water fountain, here I come. 
:'''Gus''': Good ole T.J. does it again. 
:'''Gretchen''': Gingi-something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Why so heavy on the books, Gretch? 
:'''Gretchen''': We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus. 
:'''T.J.''': That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff. 
:'''Gretchen''': We don't have to do research? 
:'''T.J.''': Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops. 
:'''Gretchen''': I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires ''real'' work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket. 
:'''T.J.''': Irritation of Meso-who? 
:'''Gretchen''': Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization. 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.
:'''Gretchen''': Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.
:'''Gretchen''': Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?
:'''Vince''': Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.
:'''Gretchen''': You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?
:'''Gus''': You can't do it. It can't be done.
:'''Gretchen''': My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Grotke''': Minimal pass.
:'''T.J.''': All right! The passing streak continues.
:'''Miss Grotke''': Not your best effort, Gretchen, but you slid by.

===''Chez Vince'' [4.22a] ===

===''Tucked in Mikey'' [4.22b] ===

===''Old Folks Home'' [4.23a] ===

===''Some Friend'' [4.23b] ===

==Season 5==

===''The Coolest Heatwave Ever'' [5.1a] ===

===''No Strings Attached'' [5.1b] ===

===''Beyond a Reasonable Scout'' [5.2a] ===

===''The C Note'' [5.2b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?
:'''T.J.''': Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!
:'''Spinelli''': Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, &quot;Strikeout!&quot; Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.
:'''Gretchen''': Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved. 
:'''Mikey''': That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack! 
:'''Spinelli''': About time you paid up, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P. 
:'''T.J.''': Classy, Vince. Very classy. 
:'''Gus''': I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. ''[screams as he flies out of control]'' How do I stop this thing?! ''[back to reality]'' Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.

===''The Army Navy Game'' [5.3a] ===

===''Big Ol' Mikey'' [5.3b] ===

===''The Principals of Golf'' [5.4a] ===

===''All the Principal's Men'' [5.4b] ===

===''Lawson and His Crew'' [5.5] ===

==Season 6==

===''Terrifying Tales of Recess'' [6.1] ===

===''Kurst the Not So Bad'' [6.2a] ===

===''League of Randalls'' [6.2b] ===

===''Mundy, Mundy'' [6.3a] ===

===''Lost Leader'' [6.3b] ===
Erwin Lawson: &quot;Aw Man, We lose!&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>2f5uke3l1gl5tc773438tgh4hnnvzzx</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607203</id>
      <parentid>3607074</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:57:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Good Ole T.J. [4.21b] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="57230" sha1="3uw1ozyuxjmmtzu5cyyhpz51ena6jof" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''''' is a [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] animated series about the mischievous adventures of 6 children during recess, when the children form their own structured society. It spawned the films [[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]], [[w:Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade|Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade]], and [[w:Recess: All Growed Down|Recess: All Growed Down]].

== Season 1 ==
===''The Break In'' [1.1a] ===
:'''TJ''': Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': ''[Talking about T.J.]'' Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?
:'''The head kindergartner''': Let's eat 'em!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.
:'''Spinelli''': He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kid next to King Bob''': My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

===''The New Kid'' [1.1b] ===
:'''Mikey''': There are lots of people without names.
:'''Gus''': Like who?
:'''Mikey''': Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''': I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

===''The Experiment'' [1.2a] ===
:'''Butch''': The future... is ''girls''! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! ''[laughs diabolically]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?
:'''Gretchen''': Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!
:'''T.J.''': But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.
:'''Gretchen''': Which explains the D minus you got in Science. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Spinelli and T.J. kiss]''
:'''Spinelli''': Ack! Puke city!
:'''T.J.''': Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': You realize we may have to get married after this.
:'''Spinelli''': You realize I may have to kill you after this.

===''The Great Jungle Gym Standoff'' [1.2b] ===
:'''Spinelli''': The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!
:'''Randall''': Hey! That's ''my'' job!

===''Jinxed'' [1.3a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?
:'''Gus''': Adult animals?
:'''Spinelli''': Nothing, that's what!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gus''':Its My Harmonica!
:'''Ashleys''':Your What?
:'''Gus''':Its My...
:'''Ashleys''':Harmonica! Jinx!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Hey! One of you drop five bucks?
:'''Ashleys''': Oooo...
:'''T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey''': Scandalous! Jinx!

===''Officer Mikey'' [1.3b] ===
:''[looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney]''
:'''Spinelli''': We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. :''[four Kindergartners come forward]'' Er... Britney A.

===''First Name Ashley'' [1.4a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': We're all Ashleys, too.
:'''Ashley A''': But, you aren't even girls!
:'''Gus''': Hey, it's the nineties.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': There are a lot of Ashleys out there, but there's only one Spinelli.

===''To Finster With Love'' [1.4b] ===
:'''Finster''': ''[reading out grades]'' A… A… A… Ah, Randall, my trusted spy. A plus! A… A… A… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': F… F… F… Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy. The only kid around here I can count on. Ah, he's done so much for me. Hmm… D minus. F… F… F… 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hank the Janitor''': Do you hear music?
:'''Finster''': Whenever I look at you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Ms. Finster?
:'''Finster''': Yes, Detwiler?
:'''T.J.''': ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?
:'''Finster''': Why, you little HOOLIGAN! ''[Runs after T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': She's back!

===''King Gus'' [1.5a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[singing]'' Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Madness! Madness!

===''Big Brother Chad'' [1.5b] ===
:'''Kindergartener''': Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Bob''': He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chucko''': Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next!

===''My Fair Gretchen'' [1.6a] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': I think what Miss Finster's trying to say is, every year we give the fourth graders this little standardized test. You get a whole 45 minutes. It's not for a grade, so there's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Miss Finster''': You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

===''Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye'' [1.6b] ===
:'''King Bob''': Digging a hole in sixth-grade territory? How dare you! Take them to the dodgeball wall!

===''I Will Kick No More Forever'' [1.7a] ===
:'''Vince''': ''[watching an old video of himself]'' Man, did you see that kick? That was in my prime!
:'''Gretchen''': Vince, that was 2 weeks ago. 

===''The Kid Came Back'' [1.7b] ===
:''[Peanut Butter Kid leaves them with his sandwich]''
:'''Mikey''': This is all we have to remember him by.

===''The Pest'' [1.8a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': ''[as Jeffery pokes her in the back with a pencil]'' Quit it, Jeffery!
:'''Jefferey''': ''[innocently]'' Quit what?
:'''Gretchen''': You know, just quit it!

===''The Legend of Big Kid'' [1.8b] ===

===''The Box'' [1.9a] ===

===''The Trial'' [1.9b] ===
:'''King Bob''': ''[to Randall]'' You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ashley A''': No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. ''[Spinelli's eyes flush]''

===''Teachers Lounge'' [1.10a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[telling a joke]'' So then I say to the superintendent, &quot;That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!&quot;

===''Randall's Reform'' [1.10b] ===
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' I did it. Signed, T.J.?
:'''Finster''': AHA, a confession!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Finster''': The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
:'''T.J.''': But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

===''Rainy Days'' [1.11a] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': Recess has been cancelled.
:'''Vince''': Cancelled? But why?
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[opens the door]'' Rain.
:''[Outside is shows rain pouring down from the dark clouds and thunder and lightning strikes]''
:'''Mikey''': The horror! The horror!

===''The Great Can Drive'' [1.11b] ===
:''[Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention]''
:'''Mikey''': Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?
:'''T.J.''': There's only one thing ''to'' say. Give me that can!
:''[The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid]''
:'''Mr. Prickly''': The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!
:''[The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over]''
:'''Ms. Finkelstein''': Look out, she's gonna blow!
:''[Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off]''
:'''Mikey''': Look what you've all done! Now ''nobody's'' gonna have a good Thanksgiving!
:''[The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did]''

===''The Voice'' [1.12a] ===

===''Kids in the Mist'' [1.12b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Old video out... new video in. ''[laughs manically; then starts gasping and coughing]'' I think I may have swallowed my retainer.

===''Parents' Night'' [1.13a] ===
:'''Flo Spinelli''': You must be B.J. He's the one our little honey bunny has the crush on.
:'''Spinelli''': Mom!

===''Swing on Thru to the Other Side'' [1.13b] ===

== Season 2 ==

===''The Break-Up'' [2.1a] ===

===''The Hypnotist'' [2.1b] ===
:''[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]''
:'''Spinelli''': ...Did he just do what I think he did?
:'''Mikey''': Yup.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[She screams to show her reaction; she tries to run after Prickly, but gets grabbed by Mikey]'' LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

===''Mama's Girl'' [2.2a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Miss Grotke handing back the class their graded book reports]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[shocked when he gets a C-minus on his book report]'' C-minus?! Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, T.J., but &quot;A roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down&quot; is not a book report… It's a cover blurb.
:'''T.J.''': Oops. ''[chuckles embarrassingly]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': ''[seeing Miss Grotke not noticing a mud puddle, which she's about to step in]'' Oh, no! Look out, ''MAMA!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Here you go, just like mama makes.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As she runs away, Spinelli slows down and looks at the sidewalk; she examines and takes notice at the neon sign that says &quot;Manny Matt's Grill&quot; on the window. As she is still looking, the letters of the sign blew off and began to say what each word says when some letters are blew off.]''
:'''Spinelli''': &quot;Ma, Ma's, Gr ll...?&quot; ''[closes her eyes and covers her ears, having a frustrated expression on her face; feels the world mocking her, and begins to exclaim a powerful scream to show her reaction]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''''' ''[While screaming, she turns around and consumes the camera as the German Sheppard dog still repeatedly shouts, &quot;Mama's girl!&quot; The scene ends with a black screen, in which her throat is already zoomed in, stopping the scream and ending the scene]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gus''': Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': You know, there's one thing I still don't understand. Why did the subliminal message fail? Works all the time for Madison Avenue.
:'''Vince''': Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

===''Outcast Ashley'' [2.2b] ===
:''[T.J. and friends see Gretchen approaching them in a big box]''
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, is that you?
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? ''[bumps into the fence]''

===''The Game'' [2.3a] ===
:''[Ajimbo has turned everyone into zombies who try to force the game onto T.J.]''
:'''T.J.''': No! I won't give in. I won't let this thing beat me!
:'''Mikey''': ''[zombielike]'' It's no use, T.J. Eventually you will join us.

===''The Lost Ball'' [2.3b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Look what your little friend did now, T.J.

===''Gus' Last Stand'' [2.4a] ===
:'''Gus''': Gosh! Who'd have thought? Little Belgium winning over big Germany!
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Winning? Ha! They got the stuffing kicked out of them!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gus''': I guess I lost the battle, sir.
:'''Lt. Griswald''': Yes, but it looks like you won the war.

===''Operation Field Trip'' [2.4b] ===

===''The Challenge'' [2.5a] ===
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[shouting]'' Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! ''[Kids stare at him]'' Oh, and have fun.

===''Wild Child'' [2.5b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Repeat after me. The rain...
:Kindergartener: The wain...
:'''Gretchen''': In Spain...
:Kindergartener: In Pain...
:'''Gretchen''': Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.
:Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

===''The Substitute'' [2.6a] ===
:'''Mr. E''': That information comes at a terrible price. Are you willing to pay it?
:''[Phil shrinks back into his seat]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Mr. E, I hope the fact that the government has quashed my research won't hurt my final grade.
:'''Mr. E''': It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': Say, Mr. E., there's something that's been bugging me: could you tell me what the E stands for?
:'''Mr. E''': No.
:'''T.J.''': You are so cool!

===''Gretchen and the Secret of Yo'' [2.6b] ===
:'''Mikey''': I just don't get it? Why would the chicken wanna make us think he taste good? Doesn't he know what happens to tasty chickens?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Gretchen''': Well, excuse me! For once in my life I'm good at a real sport! A sport with trophies! It's important to me, okay?! More important than any science fair, quiz bowl, or chess tournament I've ever been in! If you guys can't support me, then so-rry!

===''The Girl was Trouble'' [2.7a] ===
:''[Episode starts with Randall calling all the kids to line-up in five rows]''
:'''Vince''': Man, someone must be in big trouble. Finster hasn't cancelled recess since Billy Stoler short-sheeted her support hose.
:'''T.J.''': She was limping for three days.
:'''Randall''': ''[as Miss Finster appears; through megaphone] Ten-hut!''
:''[The kids all line-up]''
:'''Miss Finster''': This week, we've since a crime wave unparalleled in Third Street history. Someone on this playground is responsible for breaching nearly every rule he hold sacred.
:'''Mikey''': Even the cannibalism taboo?
:'''Miss Finster''': Evidence connects a single mastermind with these crimes. '''''One''''' kid who's done it all. Written graffiti, mocking the faculty, de-faced restrooms, stolen food from the cafeteria, and made a complete mess of the mess area! This someone will be going directly to Principal Prickly's office. This someone will receive severe punishment befitting these atrocities. This someone…is Gretchen P. Grundler!
:''[The kids all gasp in shock at Gretchen, revealing her to be the culprit]''
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid in school!
:'''Vince''': Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake!
:'''Spinelli''': Tell her, Gretchen!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gloomy]'' No, guys, she's right. Take me away, Miss Finster.
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen, what are you saying?
:'''Gretchen''': Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J. I'm nothing but trouble.
:''[The episode's title appears]''
:'''Miss Finster''': March, young lady!
:'''T.J.''': Gretchen gone bad? It can't be!
:'''Mikey''': Down is up, black is white, and the Millennium approaches!
:''[Miss Finster escorts Gretchen to Principal Prickly's office as they enter the building]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' I know what you're asking. How did it happen? How did Gretchen (Priscilla) Grundler, straight-A student, end up taking the long walk to the principal's office? It's a story as long as the lines at Gonzo World, but without the free refills.
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[typing her typewriter]'' We've been expecting you, Grundler. Take a seat. Principal Prickly will be with you in a moment.
:''[Gretchen takes a seat on a bench next to Sue Bob Murphy]''
:'''Sue Bob''': Well, well, if it ain't Goody-Two-Shoes Grundler. What'd you do, Grundler, get too many A's?
:'''Gretchen''': I'm not in the mood, Murphy.
:'''Sue Bob''': Oh, come on, Grundler. Where's your sense of humor? When you're about to face the man, sometimes that's all you got. So, what you in for?
:'''Gretchen''': It's a long story.
:'''Sue Bob''': Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' She had a point. I don't know what it was that finally made me spill. Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness. Maybe it was the clickety-clack of Miss Lemon's typewriter. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt compelled to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale. ''[telling Sue Bob everything about all the crimes she committed]'' It all started about a week ago on my birthday. ''[story beings on her birthday; voiceover]'' It was a great day. My favorite Uncle George gave me the best gift I ever got. A Galileo hand-held personal computer. ''[meets up with her friends in the cafeteria around lunchtime]'' Galileo was a dream come true. A powerful multi-function PC that fit in the palm of my hand. It had 16 megabytes of RAM, internet access, and cute howdy froggy desktop icons that made computing fun.
:'''Galileo''': Hey, Gretchen, don't look now but, you've got mail.
:'''Vince''': Whoa, that thing talks!
:'''Galileo''': Don't feel threatened, Vince. Computers are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': That's right, I loved a machine. Like a sister or kind uncle. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's twisted. But love it, I did. Then one day, everything changed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey, T.J., and Gretchen are sitting on the swings as Gus, Vince, and Spinelli approach them after searching everywhere for Gretchen's stolen Galileo]''
:'''Gus''': I looked in Miss Grotke's class.
:'''Vince''': And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[worried]'' This is a nightmare!
:'''T.J.''': Let's go over this again. You asked the diggers, you talked to the Ashleys, you checked the Lost and Found... ''[Gretchen's eyes widen open]'' You ''did'' check the Lost and Found, didn't you?
:''[Gretchen gets up from the swing and quickly runs to the Lost and Found]''
:'''Mikey''': I guess that was a no.
:'''Gretchen''': The Lost and Found box, Menlo. I need to see it, now!
:'''Menlo''': That's not the way it works. You tell me what you lost, and ''I'll'' tell you if it's in the box. Those are the rules.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[sighs]'' One Galileo hand-held PC Model G55 serial number 76502.
:'''Menlo''': Oh, yeah. ''[brings out the box]'' Spiffy little piece of tech. 300 meg chip, voice activated control, cellular email.
:'''Gretchen''': Yes, yes, that's it! Is it in there?
:'''Menlo''': Nope, I just like asking. I do remember seeing something like that, though.
:'''Gretchen''': Where?
:'''Menlo''': I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[grabs and pulls him by the collar; sharply]'' OUT WITH IT!
:'''Menlo''': Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt me! Yesterday at recess, I was…
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when nobody's home. He told me who had Galileo. It was Greg Skeens, the graffiti kid, guy who couldn't spell &quot;computer,&quot; much less use one. Menlo told me where to find him. I don't make it a habit to slum in the Third Street School underworld. But if I wanted Galileo back, I had to hold my nose and plunge in. ''[finds Greg Skeens drawing a graffiti of Finster]'' Nice work. You're a regular Degas.
:'''Skeens''': What'd you call me?
:'''Gretchen''': Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced my hand-held computer. About yea big, matte-black finish, soothing voice. Maybe you've seen it around.
:'''Skeens''': You mean that TV remote I found under the bench by the kickball field? I traded it for a stick of gum. Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.
:'''Gretchen''': Who?! Who did you trade it to?!
:'''Skeens''': Hey! I'm no blabbermouth. Now beat it. I'm busy. I need to write something nasty about Finster before the bell. Uh... how do you spell &quot;meanie?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Now what about ''your'' end of the bargain?
:'''Mundy''': I, uh, traded your thingamajig to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[horrified]'' You mean, Kurst the Worst? ''[voiceover]'' Skeens and Mundy were one thing, but Kurst… she was a force of danger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gretchen enters the cafeteria, looking for Kurst and finds her in the kitchen, digging around in the fridge and eating all the food]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[fiercely]'' Kurst, I want my Galileo computer! I know Mundy gave it to you and I want it back!
:'''Kurst''': That piece of junk? I traded it. You can't eat a copy thingy. Now butt off! I'm about to enjoy an all-I-can-eat buffet, courtesy of Third Street School.
:'''Gretchen''': But, but-
:'''Kurst''': You heard me, blow! Go on, dangle!
:'''Gretchen''': ''[voiceover]'' Maybe I should've just turned around and walked away. Maybe I should've gone to the authorities and let the system do its job. Maybe I should've done a lot things, but I didn't. Before I knew it hit me, something inside me snapped. ''[shouting furiously]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;'''''KURST!!!'''''&lt;/span&gt; '''I WANT MY GALILEO, AND I WANT IT ''NOW!'''''
:'''Kurst''': Oh, you do, do ya? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I handed it over… TO SEÑOR PUDDING!
:''[The two girls start throwing food to each other while fighting; fade back to the present]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finishing up her story]'' I got Kirsten Kurst a couple of times, then she blindsided me with a bowl of tapioca. When I came to my senses, she was gone. I managed to sneak out of there, unseen, but by the time I was done wiping pudding out of my hair, Finster was all over me like a pig on sorbet.
:'''Sue Bob''': But I don't get it. How'd Finster finger you?
:'''Miss Lemon''': It was wasn't so tough, girly. Gretchen here, left a trail of clues a mile wide. &quot;Nefarious&quot; happens to be the word she won last year's spelling bee with. The viscosity of liquid soap was the subject of her blue ribbon science fair project, and finally, here's a tissue, for Pete's sake, you missed a spot of tapioca on your glasses. Oh, you're smart, Grundler, but it's all book and no street. ''[laughs]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[takes off her glasses to wipe off the tapioca spot]'' Anyway, I guess you could say I got what's coming to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Lemon''': ''[answers the phone]'' Yes, sir? I see. ''[hangs up]'' Okay, Grundler. He'll see you now.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[gets up; to Sue Bob]'' Wish me luck. ''[enters Principal Prickly's office]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[sternly while she takes a seat in front of him]'' Well, well, Miss Grundler, you're the last person I would've expected to go rotten, but facts speak for themselves. As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.
:'''Gretchen''': I understand, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[narrating]'' It was a crazy end to a crazy story. Principal Prickly got so interested in what I was showing him on his computer, he forgot all about taking away my recess, though I did have to clean up the messes. Still, I got Galileo back, I survived my sordid journey through the Underworld, and I'm never going back there again.

===''Copycat Kid'' [2.7b] ===

===''Operation Stuart'' [2.8a] ===

===''Pharaoh Bob'' [2.8b] ===
:'''King Bob''': So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Bob''': I just wanted to be remembered.
:'''Gretchen''': I know Bob. But the thing is great leaders aren't remembered for the things they build. They're remembered for the things they do. 

===''The Story of Whomps'' [2.9a] ===
:'''T.J.''': Level 5? Man, this whomps!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Make that level 6! Ready to push me any further!?!?!

===''Weekend at Muriel's'' [2.9b] ===

===''Economics of Recess'' [2.10a] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Everyone either works for you or just stands around and does nothing.
:'''T.J.''': Good point. Gus, start charging kids for standing around. We'll call it a loitering fee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''T.J.''': I don't need anyone! I'm a self-made boy! I'm king of the world!

===''Omega Kids'' [2.10b] ===

===''Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave'' [2.11] ===
:'''Gus''': Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.
:'''Mikey''': Oh, that wasn't Santa.
:'''T.J.''': It wasn't?
:'''Mikey''': No, that was an impostor. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.
:'''Vince''': So, where are we going now?
:'''Mikey''': To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

===''Bad Hair Day'' [2.12a] ===
:'''Gus''': ''[offended]'' It's not fair. It's just not fair.
:'''T.J.''': ''[also offended]'' Yeah, this whomps.
:'''Vince''': How come you guys get miss school and we don't?
:'''Gretchen''': Because the Young Inventors Fair is an invitational exposition.
:'''Spinelli''': Means you gotta be invited.
:'''Gretchen''': It's a great opportunity to show off exciting new ideas from smart young minds.
:'''Gus''': So why is Spinelli going with you?
:'''Spinelli''': 'Cause she needed a smart kid to be her assistance. Wanna make something of it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mikey gets his whole head covered in gum while trying to make the record for blowing up a big bubblegum]''
:'''Mikey''': No! This can't be happening!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.
:'''Mikey''': You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!
:'''T.J.''': What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.
:'''Mikey''': Tried it before. It froze my brain.
:'''Vince''': Cooking oil?
:'''Mikey''': Urban myth.
:'''Gus''': Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- ''[realizes]'' No, wait. That's for hiccups.
:'''Mikey''': I'M DOOMED!
:'''T.J.''': Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.
:'''Mikey''': How?
:'''T.J.''': All you do gotta do is get a haircut.
:'''Mikey''': But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.
:'''T.J.''': You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.
:'''Vince''': Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?
:'''T.J.''': Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?
:'''Mikey''': I don't know.
:'''T.J.''': Trust me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mikey''': ''[as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face]'' Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. ''[Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible haircut; screams in horror]''
:'''T.J.''': Was that a good &quot;ah&quot; or a bad one?
:'''Mikey''': YOU RUINED MY HAIR!
:'''T.J.''': Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.
:'''Mikey''': Your feelings?! What about my head?!

===''Dance Lessons'' [2.12b] ===

===''Principal for a Day'' [2.13a] ===

===''The Beauty Contest'' [2.13b] ===
:'''Ashley A.''': Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.
:'''Ashley Q.''': Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.
:'''Ashley A.''': I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em'...
:'''Spinelli''': ''[off screen]'' Like totally special delivery!

==Season 3==

===''One Stayed Clean'' [3.1a] ===

===''A Genius Among Us'' [3.1b] ===

===''Dodgeball City'' [3.2a] ===
:'''Mikey''': Fiddle on, thoughtless Nero, as your precious empire burns all around you!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Hector''': Eventually I stopped calling him Safety Man and started calling him just Gus, but to me, he'll always be... El Diablo!

===''A Career to Remember'' [3.2b] ===

===''Kindergarten Derby'' [3.3a] ===

===''The Bet'' [3.3b] ===

===''Space Cadet'' [3.4a] ===

===''Stand Up Randall'' [3.4b] ===

===''The Shiner'' [3.5a] ===

===''Lord of the Nerds'' [3.5b] ===
:'''Store owner''': Knarf! Oh, forgive me! I didn't mean to cross a level 42 sword master!
:'''Frank''': I'll let you go this time, but watch out. The sword of Ganymede now hangs perilously close to your skull.

===''That Stinking Feeling'' [3.6a] ===

===''My Funny Valentines'' [3.6b] ===

===''The Barnaby Boys'' [3.7a] ===

===''Buried Treasure'' [3.7b] ===

===''The Library Kid'' [3.8a] ===

===''The Ratings Game'' [3.8b] ===

==Season 4==

===''The First Picture Show'' [4.1a] ===

===''The Big Prank'' [4.1b] ===

===''Hustler's Apprentice'' [4.2a] ===

===''The Spy Who Came in from the Playground'' [4.2b] ===

===''Gus' Fortune'' [4.3a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! '''&quot;Great riches will soon be yours.&quot;''' Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?
:'''T.J.''': Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. '''&quot;You will pass your greatest test with flying colors.&quot;''' Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.
:'''Mikey''': Me next.
:'''Vince''': No, me next.
:'''Gretchen''': I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. '''&quot;You will take a trip to an exotic land.&quot;''' My word, that is exciting! 
:'''Gus''': My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. '''&quot;Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?&quot;''' Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.
:''[Cut to Miss Grotke's classroom]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.
:'''T.J.''': 101%?
:'''Gretchen''': But that can't be right! I only got 100%.
:'''Mikey''': Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman]'' '''''GRISWALD!!!'''''
:'''Gelman''': Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing? 
:'''T.J.''': That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.
:''[Gelman screams and runs away]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[kindly]'' Uh... children. ''[the gang turns to her; infuriated]'' GET ME OUT OF HERE!

===''Rumor Mill'' [4.3b] ===

===''Recess is Cancelled'' [4.4a] ===

===''Tattletale Heart'' [4.4b] ===
:''[The gang are eating lunch in the cafeteria while Gus finishes drinking his carton of chocolate milk]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[impressed]'' Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?
:'''Gus''': I couldn't help myself, guys. I ''love'' chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. ''[takes a bite of his sandwich]'' An evil genius. Be right back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lawson''': FOOD FIGHT!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[While all the kids are forced to clean up the mess in the cafeteria after their food fight…]''
:'''Spinelli''': Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!
:'''Gus''': Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…
:'''T.J.''': ''[as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly]'' Don't say it, Gus.
:'''Gus''': But you don't understand! It was… ''[his friends cover his mouth again]''
:'''T.J.''': Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor. 
:'''Gus''': Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all. 
:'''Gretchen''': Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail.&quot;''' ''[sighs]'' It's pretty clear, all right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Attention, miscreants. You've (all) been cleaning for over an hour already, and no one's come forward to squeal. 
:'''Vince''': That's 'cause we've got the code. Right, guys? 
:'''Miss Finster''': You may be strong in a group. But we'll see how you hold up to individual interrogations. ''[Gus gulps nervously]'' We will start in alphabetical order. Beginning with… Adam Able. 
:'''Adam''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, man, I'm always first. Why couldn't I have been born Zebadiah Zwick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Care for a soda, Randall? 
:'''Randall''': Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do. 
:'''Miss Finster''': I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is. 
:'''Randall''': You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you. 
:'''Miss Finster''': It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Next!
:'''Gus''': ''[shouting in protest]'' YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TELL! THERE'S A CODE! AN UNBREAKABLE KID CODE! ''[covers his mouth]''
:'''Miss Finster''': A code, eh? Well, let's just see if we can't crack it. Forget the alphabets, sonny, you're next!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince''': Gus. You okay, man?
:'''Spinelli''': Did you crack?
:'''T.J.''': Back off, guys. Give him some air.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… ''[sighs]'' Randall Weems.
:'''Randall''': No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!
:'''Miss Finster''': I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.
:'''Randall''': ''[berating Gus as he's being taken away]'' Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! ''A TATTLETALE!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': STOP! Unhand that boy.
:'''Jerome''': We'll get you later, Griswald, when your girlfriend's not around.
:'''Miss Finster''': Cute, Jerome, but this boy told me nothing. Poor Randall was fingered by science.

===''The Madness of King Bob'' [4.5a] ===

===''Call Me Guy'' [4.5b] ===

===''Prickly is Leaving'' [4.6a] ===

===''Randall's Friends'' [4.6b] ===
:'''Miss Finster''': The nerve of that birthday boy, leaving me to do my own grunt work. Let's see. Any evidence of contraband. Chewing gum? Candy wrappers? Hmm, what have we here? Jackpot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later. 
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Miss Finster''': This official memo proves that ''you're'' the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof. 
:'''T.J.''': I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up. 
:'''Randall''': I didn't. I... I-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': You and the birthday boy can iron out your differences later, after one week of level-4 detention. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[as Miss Finster takes him away]'' I'VE BEEN FRAMED! 
:'''Randall''': ''[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him]'' Anyone for a bounce?
:''[The gang angrily chase after him while bouncing in the bouncy house]''
:'''Vince''': When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon! 
:'''Randall''': But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

===''The Biggest Trouble Ever'' [4.7a]===
:'''Gus''': Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway? 
:'''Gretchen''': The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name. 
:'''Mikey''': Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here. 
:'''T.J.''': That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and-- 
:''[As they walk to the front of the school, they gasp in amazement when they see the statue]''
:'''Gretchen''': Thaddeus T. Third III! 
:'''Mikey''': He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, &quot;I'm an important fellow.&quot; 
:'''T.J.''': Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, &quot;Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing.&quot;
:''[The gang start to climb up the statue; On the other side of the curtain, Principal Prickly is making an announcement]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, &quot;big story news&quot; team. It is an honor to host this &quot;Welcome back, Thad&quot; celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!
:''[The curtains pull back, revealing the statue… and the gang on top of it, and the crowd gasp in shock]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[chuckles cheekily]'' How you doin', folks? 
:''[The statue suddenly starts to topple]''
:'''Spinelli''': He's going over! BAIL! 
:''[The gang jump off from the statue and it falls on the ground, destroyed; Mayor Fitzhugh babbles in horrified shock]'' 
:'''Mort Chalk''': You gettin' this?
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': ''[outraged]'' Prickly! Do you know what this means?!
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[before Prickly could say anything]'' He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. ''[to the gang]'' You six are in the biggest trouble ever!
:''[The gang gasp in shock]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spinelli''': Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night. 
:'''Gus''': Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35. 
:'''Mikey''': People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!
:'''T.J.''': Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.
:'''Vince''': Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[closing the window blinds while the gang watch Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile]'' No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals! 
:'''Gus''': Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.
:'''Miss Finster''': Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[baffled]'' New outfits? 
:''[The gang are now wearing orange prison jumpsuits]''
:'''Miss Finster''': My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust &quot;The Destructive Six&quot; are feeling constructive today? 
:'''T.J.''': Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are? 
:'''Miss Finster''': Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. ''[holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]''
:'''Gus''': But I already brushed my teeth.
:'''Miss Finster''': Oh, they're not for your teeth. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[The gang are then seen using the toothbrushes to clean the hallway floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The gang are in the cafeteria kitchen, peeling onions while weeping tearfully due to its reaction]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[tearfully]'' It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins. 
:'''Gretchen''': It's going to be okay, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': What are you talking about, &quot;brains?&quot; We're in the biggest trouble ever!
:'''Gretchen''': I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey. 
:'''T.J.''': Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler? 
:'''T.J.''': No, ma'am, I do not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up &quot;the Destructive Six,&quot; and scatter them throughout the district. 
:'''T.J.''': Mr. Mayor, can I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': I don't know. ''Can'' you? 
:'''T.J.''': Sorry, sir. ''May'' I say something? 
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': That's better. 
:'''T.J.''': Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.
:'''Mayor Fitzhugh''': Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

===''The Rules'' [4.7b] ===

===''Gus and Misdemeanors'' [4.8a] ===

===''A Science Fair to Remember'' [4.8b] ===

===''Mikey's Pants'' [4.9a] ===

===''Here Comes Mr. Perfect'' [4.9b] ===

===''Good Luck Charm'' [4.10a] ===

===''Diggers Split Up'' [4.10b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': Unless I'm mistaken… Diggers split up.

===''SchoolWorld'' [4.11a] ===

===''Bachelor Gus'' [4.11b] ===

===''The Dude'' [4.12a] ===

===''Partners in Crime'' [4.12b] ===

===''The Candidates'' [4.13a] ===

===''This Brain for Hire'' [4.13b] ===
:''[Night at Gretchen's house]''
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Gretchen, dear, are you still up?
:'''Gretchen''': Just finishing my homework, Mom.
:'''Mrs. Grundler''': Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

===''Spinelli's Masterpiece'' [4.14a] ===

===''Nobody Doesn't Like T.J.'' [4.14b] ===
:''[T.J. is sitting in the cafeteria for his time in detention and he sighs]''
:'''Miss Finster''': No sighing in detention, Detweiler.
:'''T.J.''': Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.
:''[His friends are watching outside through the window]''
:'''Vince''': Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

===''A Great State Fair'' [4.15a] ===
:''[All the kids are boarding the buses for their field trip to the Great State Fair]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[holding her permission slip]'' Ah, the good ol' &quot;get out of class free&quot; card. 
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his permission slip]'' This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign. 
:'''Gus''': ''[checking his pant pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip]'' Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! 
:'''Spinelli''': Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus. 
:'''Gus''': I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!
:'''Mikey''': Maybe your father could bring it from his office. 
:'''Gus''': He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and mom's out looking at drapes. 
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy. 
:'''T.J.''': Miss Grotke, we got a problem. 
:'''Spinelli''': Gus forgot his permission slip. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.
:''[Gus whimpers sadly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[to Gus and Gelman]'' All right, you left-behinds, it's fun time.

===''The A.V. Kid'' [4.15b] ===

===''Yope from Norway'' [4.16a] ===

===''Bonky Fever'' [4.16b] ===

===''Don't Ask Me'' [4.17a] ===
:''[As the kids corner Spinelli, angrily blaming her for the negative consequences of their actions and threatening to get their revenge on her]''
:'''Guru Kid''': ''[stepping in, defending her]'' Wait. This is not the way.
:'''Swinger Girl''': Step aside, skinny. Spinelli's got it coming!
:'''Guru Kid''': Does she? And why is that? Did you not all receive the help you sought?
:'''Kids''': Yeah and maybe.
:'''Guru Kid''': Blame not the advisor if one chooses to take her advice. Do we all not have the free will to do as we choose? Why not hold her responsible for her actions or you for yours
:'''Swinger Girl''': You know, turban boy make sense. I mean, nobody told us we had to listen to Spinelli.

===''The Secret Life of Grotke'' [4.17b] ===
:'''Mikey''': That was really strange. 
:'''Spinelli''': Miss Grotke never got a phone call in class before. 
:'''Vince''': Or ran out of school without asking us if we had any questions. 
:'''Gus''': Yeah, and she didn't flash us her usual two-sign. 
:'''Gretchen''': That's a peace sign, Gus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': What we need is more proof. Let's all meet back here tomorrow morning early. Then we can really start investigating. One way or another, we're going to uncover the secret life of Grotke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.
:'''Gus''': Moldavakia?
:'''Spinelli''': Where the heck is that? 
:'''Gretchen''': Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage. 
:'''T.J.''': Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!
:'''Gus''': A spy?
:'''Gretchen''': My word.
:'''Spinelli''': A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe it. I won't believe it.
:'''T.J.''': Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's &quot;program&quot;... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.
:'''Gus''': But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of ''theirs?''

===''The Fuss Over Finster'' [4.18a] ===

===''Soccer Boy'' [4.18b] ===

===''Fort Tender'' [4.19a] ===

===''Germ Warfare'' [4.19b] ===

===''More Like Gretchen'' [4.20a] ===
:'''Spinelli''': I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened. 
:'''Vince''': What happened? 
:'''T.J.''': The toy surprise was missing from your box.
:'''Spinelli''': Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum! 
:'''Gus''': The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!
:'''Spinelli''': Bingo. ''[the others gasp in shock]'' I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk. 
:'''T.J.''': My heart goes out to you, Spinelli. 
:'''Spinelli''': I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me. 
:'''Vince''': Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place. 
:'''T.J.''': Yeah, I'm kind of busy. 
:'''Gus''': I've got my reputation to worry about. 
:'''Spinelli''': Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come. 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. 
:'''Spinelli''': You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?
:'''Gretchen''': Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out. 
:'''Spinelli''': Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

===''Prince Randall'' [4.20b] ===
:''[T.J. is impersonating King Bob with his friends laughing hysterically]''
:'''T.J.''': Your king craves sustenance. ''[to Gretchen]'' You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat. 
:'''Gretchen''': Right away, Your Highness. 
:'''T.J.''': Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers. 
:'''Mikey''': But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.
:'''T.J.''': That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall! 
:'''Mikey''': A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right. 
:'''Vince''': Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob. 
:'''King Bob''': Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. ''[gesturing to Randall]''
:'''T.J.''': Huh? 
:'''Randall''': Maybe I wasn't clear before. ''T.J.'' was making ''fun'' of you. 
:'''King Bob''': Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried &quot;king&quot; once too often. 
:'''Randall''': I'm not sure I follow.

===''Me No Know'' [4.21a] ===

===''Good Ole T.J.'' [4.21b] ===
:'''Miss Grotke''': My goodness, no Gretchen? 
:'''Gus''': I win! Gretchen's never late, so she must be absent. At last, I've demonstrated true savvy. One pack of winger-dingers, please. 
:'''Spinelli''': ''[annoyed]'' Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn? 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[finally shows up late]'' Whew. Sorry I'm late.
:'''Gus''': ''[gives Spinelli back her Winger-Dingers; disappointed]'' You win. What was I thinking? Gretchen ''never'' misses school.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[satisfied]'' Never doubted her for a second.
:'''Gretchen''': I was answering Mr. Wood's questions about ionic bonding, and I'm afraid I lost track of time, Miss Grotke.
:'''Miss Grotke''': I'm sorry, too, Gretchen, but just the same, I'm going to have to enter this in your permanent record. ''[opens up her desk drawer and takes out Gretchen's permanent record]''
:''[The class gasp over this]''
:'''Mikey''': Not Gretchen. She's the finest of us all. 
:'''Gretchen''': I take full responsibility for my tardiness and I apologize for any delay it may have caused my classmates in their efforts to learn.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up really late]'' Morning, people. 
:'''Miss Grotke''': T.J., is there something you'd like to tell the class? 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah. Knock, knock. 
:'''Students''':  Who's there?
:'''T.J.''': Justin. 
:'''Students''': Justin who? 
:'''T.J.''': Just in time for class!
:''[All the kids laugh]''
:'''Miss Grotke''': Such a clever boy. Take your seats. 
:'''Spinelli''': Good ole T.J. can get away with just about anything. 
:'''Gretchen''': Yes, good ole T.J. ''[later around lunchtime…]'' Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just swap this chocolate milk for a regular. Calcium's calcium, right? 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': Whatever floats your boat, kid. 
:'''T.J.''': I don't have any money, ma'am, but I do have my marker. Don't worry. There's a whole pad more where that came from. 
:'''Lunchlady Irma''': ''[chuckles]'' Good ole T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[offended]'' Indeed. 
:''[Later outside during recess…]''
:'''T.J.''': Snazzy day, huh, buds?
:'''Mikey''': Every day is snazzy to me, T.J. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[chewing some gum]'' Yeah, the snazziest. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Grundler, is that gum in your mouth? 
:'''Gretchen''': Well, technically, yes, but, you see, it's a prototype gum substitute. I developed it myself. Though chewy, it is in no way sticky, and therefore-- 
:'''Miss Finster''': Therefore it's still gum. I'm assigning you to garbage detail for the rest of the week. Oh, and I suggest you bring gloves. 
:'''Gretchen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, ma'am. 
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[catching T.J. trying to tiptoe away]'' Not so fast, Detweiler. I know you're packing a wad. Open up and spit it out. 
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Miss Finster, it's true, but you see, it's prescription gum.
:'''Miss Finster''': I can't make head or tail of this chicken scratch. He must be an excellent dentist. 
:'''T.J.''': He says I have early stage gingi-something. 
:'''Miss Finster''': Gingivitis? That's the most insidious disease known to mouth. Now listen to me, T.J., if you want to grow up to have healthy teeth and gums like mine, just do as your dentist says and chew that gum. In fact, if I catch you and you're not chewing gum, I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky. Now, what's that over there? 
:'''Gus''': You don't really have gingi-something, do you, Teej? 
:'''T.J.''': No, Gus. That was just a little something I tucked away for emergencies. Phew. That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella. Water fountain, here I come. 
:'''Gus''': Good ole T.J. does it again. 
:'''Gretchen''': Gingi-something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Why so heavy on the books, Gretch? 
:'''Gretchen''': We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus. 
:'''T.J.''': That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff. 
:'''Gretchen''': We don't have to do research? 
:'''T.J.''': Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops. 
:'''Gretchen''': I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires ''real'' work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket. 
:'''T.J.''': Irritation of Meso-who? 
:'''Gretchen''': Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization. 
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.
:'''Gretchen''': Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...
:'''T.J.''': Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.
:'''Gretchen''': Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?
:'''Vince''': Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.
:'''Gretchen''': You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?
:'''Gus''': You can't do it. It can't be done.
:'''Gretchen''': My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miss Grotke''': Minimal pass.
:'''T.J.''': All right! The passing streak continues.
:'''Miss Grotke''': Not your best effort, Gretchen, but you slid by.

===''Chez Vince'' [4.22a] ===

===''Tucked in Mikey'' [4.22b] ===

===''Old Folks Home'' [4.23a] ===

===''Some Friend'' [4.23b] ===

==Season 5==

===''The Coolest Heatwave Ever'' [5.1a] ===

===''No Strings Attached'' [5.1b] ===

===''Beyond a Reasonable Scout'' [5.2a] ===

===''The C Note'' [5.2b] ===
:'''Gretchen''': What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?
:'''T.J.''': Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!
:'''Spinelli''': Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, &quot;Strikeout!&quot; Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.
:'''Gretchen''': Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved. 
:'''Mikey''': That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack! 
:'''Spinelli''': About time you paid up, Mikey. 
:'''Vince''': Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P. 
:'''T.J.''': Classy, Vince. Very classy. 
:'''Gus''': I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. ''[screams as he flies out of control]'' How do I stop this thing?! ''[back to reality]'' Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.

===''The Army Navy Game'' [5.3a] ===

===''Big Ol' Mikey'' [5.3b] ===

===''The Principals of Golf'' [5.4a] ===

===''All the Principal's Men'' [5.4b] ===

===''Lawson and His Crew'' [5.5] ===

==Season 6==

===''Terrifying Tales of Recess'' [6.1] ===

===''Kurst the Not So Bad'' [6.2a] ===

===''League of Randalls'' [6.2b] ===

===''Mundy, Mundy'' [6.3a] ===

===''Lost Leader'' [6.3b] ===
Erwin Lawson: &quot;Aw Man, We lose!&quot;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:ABC animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Family Guy/Season 3</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Pacman198080</username>
        <id>3189833</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>New quote: ever had a awkward interview before?</comment>
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      <text bytes="17904" sha1="e76e26tajkkqme6pv96gvnk8f0kl7zw" xml:space="preserve">{{Family Guy header}}

'''''[[W:Family Guy|Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

=== ''[[w:The Thin White Line|The Thin White Line]]'' ===
:'''Joe''': ''[to Brian]'' Nice work, rookie!
:'''Cop 1''': You're a credit to the force.
:'''Cop 2''': Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rehab Counselor''': Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
:'''Peter''': A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

===''[[w:Brian Does Hollywood|Brian Does Hollywood]]''===
:'''Brian''': Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
:'''Chris''': Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bill Cosby|Cosby]]''': ''[wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles]'' So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
:'''Stewie''': ''[hypnotized]'' I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And ''[[w:Ghost Dad|Ghost Dad]]'' was the best movie I've seen since ''[[w:Leonard Part 6|Leonard Part 6]]''.

===''[[w:Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington|Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington]]''===
:'''Peter''': Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than [[w:Alyssa Milano|Alyssa Milano]]. ''[laughs]''
:''[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]''
:'''Milano''': What kinda cheap shot...?! ''[to her lawyer]'' Joel!
:'''Joel''': I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

===''[[w:One If By Clam, Two If By Sea|One If By Clam, Two If By Sea]]''===
:'''Peter''': Yep.
:'''Joe''': Yep.
:'''Quagmire''': Yep.
:'''Cleveland''': Mmm-Hmm. ''[they drink]''

=== ''[[w:And the Wiener is...|And the Wiener is...]]'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[after seeing Chris' penis]'' Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
:'''Peter''': How the hell did this happen? ''I'm'' supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
:'''Lois''': Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
:'''Peter''': OH, MY GOD! ''[runs away]''

=== ''[[w:Death Lives|Death Lives]]'' ===
:'''Diane''': A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. ''[Tom snickers]'' You find this funny, Tom?
:'''Tom''': No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Death's Mother''': Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
:'''Death''': I don't have skin!
:'''Death's Mother''': That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

===''[[w:Lethal Weapons|Lethal Weapons]]''===
:'''Lois''': Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called &quot;role reversal,&quot; where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. ''[imitating Peter]'' Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
:'''Peter''': ''[imitating Lois]'' I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
:'''Stewie''': Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. ''[imitating Brian]'' I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
:'''Brian''': ''[imitating Stewie]'' I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peter''': You just hit me!
:'''Lois''': That's right!
:''[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]''
:'''Lois''':  You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
:'''Peter''': Sometimes I wonder.

===''[[w:The Kiss Seen Around the World|The Kiss Seen Around the World]]''===
:'''Connie''': Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
:''[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]''
:'''Principal Shepherd''': Now, what in God's name…? ''[opens door]'' Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
:'''Lazenby''': Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
:'''Principal Shepherd''': This stupid country...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Meg''': I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! ''[blank stares from Peter and Lois]'' I'm allergic to peanuts! ''[more blank stares]'' You don't know ''anything'' about me! ''[runs upstairs]''
:'''Peter''': Who was that guy?

===''[[w:Mr. Saturday Knight|Mr. Saturday Knight]]''===
:''[Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]''
:'''Lois''': Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
:'''Peter''': I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
:''[cut to the [[w:The Electric Company|Electric Company]] with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]''
:'''Man''': D.
:'''Peter''': -ot.
:'''Peter and the man''': Dot.
:'''Man''': B.
:'''Peter''': -et.
:'''Man''': Bet.
:'''Peter''': Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
:'''Man''': P.
:'''Peter''': -it.
:'''Man''': Pit.
:'''Peter''': Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
:'''Man''': F.
:'''Peter''': -at.
:'''Man''': Fat.
:'''Peter''': Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
:''[a fight breaks out between the two]''

===''[[w:A Fish out of Water (Family Guy)|A Fish Out of Water]]'' ===
:''[Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]''
:'''Lady''': There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
:'''Stewie''': Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
:''[Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]''
:'''Stewie''': The port is quite good.
:'''Brian''': Yes, quite good.
:'''Chris''': Indeed.
:'''Peter''': Most certainly.
:'''Brian''': What year is it?
:'''Chris''': '51.
:'''Brian''': Ah.
:'''Peter''': Delectable.
:'''Stewie''': Indeed.
:'''Chris''': Yes.
:'''Peter''': ''[catches fire]'' Oh, dear!
:'''Brian''': What is it?
:'''Peter''': I've spontaneously combusted.
:'''Stewie''': Oh, I am sorry.
:'''Peter''': Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
:'''Stewie''': Ah, very good then.
:'''Chris''': For the best.
:'''Brian''': Yes, indeed.
:'''Stewie''': Oh, is it raining again?

=== ''[[w:Emission Impossible|Emission Impossible]]'' ===
:'''Peter''': ''[after Carol has given birth]'' Oh, my God! 
:'''Lois''': What? What?!
:'''Peter''': ''[holds a crying baby]'' It's a beautiful baby girl. 
:'''Carol''': Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
:'''Peter''': But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. ''[grabs a scalpel]'' 
:'''Lois''': ''[takes the scalpel]'' Peter, no! It's a boy!

=== ''[[w:To Love and Die in Dixie|To Love and Die in Dixie]]'' ===
:'''Peter''': ''[at the police station, where the convicts are held]'' Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is ''Chris Griffin''. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. ''[gives the picture to the one who robbed the store]'' Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Peter''': I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it ''is'' time for me to get a job.
:'''Brian''': Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.
:''[Cutaway to Peter at the job interview.]'' 
:'''Interviewer''': Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
:'''Peter''': ''[Thinking]'' Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife... ''[Then out loud]'' Doing your... ''[stares at Interviewer's family picture]'' ...son?
:''[The interviewer stares at Peter in shock.]''

=== ''[[w:Screwed the Pooch|Screwed the Pooch]]'' ===
:''[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]''
:'''Meg''': Oh, my God!
:'''Carter''': He's violating Seabreeze!
:'''Peter''': Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... ''[shocked]'' ''Now'' he's violating Seabreeze.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]''
:'''[[Ted Turner|Turner]]''': Aces high or low?
:'''Peter''': They go both ways.
:''[Bill Gates and [[w:Michael Eisner|Michael Eisner]] laugh]''
:'''[[Bill Gates|Gates]]''': He said, &quot;They go both ways&quot;.
:''[all except Turner laugh]''
:'''Turner''': Like a bisexual.
:'''Eisner''': Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

===''[[w:Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?|Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?]]''===
:'''[[w:Dennis Miller|Miller]]''': Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as [[w:Beowulf (hero)|Beowulf]] having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
:'''Peter''': What the hell does &quot;rant&quot; mean?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]''
:'''Peter''': Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
:'''Chris''': Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style. 
:'''Peter''': You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
:'''Peter''': Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

=== ''[[w:Ready, Willing, and Disabled|Ready, Willing, and Disabled]]'' ===
:'''Announcer''': We now return to ''[[w:Touched By An Angel|Touched By An Angel]]''.
:''[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]''
:'''Prosecutor''': ''[shows the boy a doll]'' Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
:'''Boy''': ''[points at the doll's crotch]'' Here.
:'''Angel''': Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' ''halo''!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]''
:'''Peter''': Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
:'''Tom''': But, Mr. Griffin,...
:'''Peter''': Ah-ah. ''[extracts tape]'' I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
:''[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]''
:'''Peter''': ''[on tape]'' Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
:''[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]''
:'''Peter''': I'm handicapped now!
:''[Tom pauses the tape]''
:'''Tom''': Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
:'''Peter''': Oh, come on!
:'''Tom''': ''[runs the tape back]'' And when I freeze-frame,...
:''[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]''
:'''Tom''': That's you driving the car.
:'''Peter''': Well, there's your hook!
:'''Tom''': Get out.

=== ''[[w:A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas|A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas]]'' ===
:'''Lois''': Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
:'''Brian''': Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
:'''Lois''': &quot;Don we now our gay apparel.&quot;
:'''Brian''': ''[puts his sweater on]'' Doesn't get much gayer than this.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Peter''': My couch! My TV! ''[to Brian]'' What the hell did you do?!
:'''Brian''': Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
:'''Peter''': I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

===''[[w:Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows|Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows]]''===
:'''Goodman''': It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
:'''Chris''': ''[laughs]'' Rump.
:'''Peter''': This isn't funny, Chris! ''[laughs]'' Swallow.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]''
:'''Peter''': Damn it all!
:'''Patrons''': SHH!
:'''Peter''': Sorry! Sorry.
:''[the swallow squawks loudly]''
:'''Patron 1''': Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
:'''Peter''': Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
:'''Patron 2''': Take it outside, pal!
:'''Patron 3''': Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
:'''Peter''': ''[jumps out of his seat]'' Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
:'''Patron 4''': I'll make ''you'' an endangered species!
:'''Peter''': Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
:'''Patron 5''': I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
:''[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]''
:'''Peter''': Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
:''[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]''
:'''Voice''': Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

=== ''[[w:From Method to Madness|From Method to Madness]]'' ===
:'''Jeff''': ''[about his trophy, which is over his crotch]'' Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
:'''Dave''': Hey, don't get too cocky. ''I'' had a big one like that when I was your age.
:'''Dottie''': Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
:'''Peter''': Lois, I'm scared. ''[drops his hot dog]'' Oh, I'll get that. ''[reaches under the table]''
:'''Dave''': Hey!
:'''Peter''': Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chris''': Boobies!
:'''Lois''': Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
:'''Peter''': You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
:'''Chris''': Boobies!
:'''Lois''': Did you hear me, young man?
:'''Meg''': I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
:'''Chris''': Boobies!
:'''Lois''': Peter?
:'''Peter''': Do it. ''[everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from ''[[w:Men in Black (movie)|Men in Black]]'', and uses it on Chris]''
:'''Lois''': Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
:'''Chris''': Elephants are bigger in person!

=== ''[[w:Stuck Together, Torn Apart|Stuck Together, Torn Apart]]'' ===
:''[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]''
:'''Meg''': Look at that handsome man. 
:'''Peter''': You son of a bitch! ''[punches the mirror]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peter''': Why are you holding that infant's hand?
:'''Stewie''': Oh, we met on the Internet.
:'''Brian''': Shut up!
:'''Stewie''': Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

===''[[w:Road to Europe|Road to Europe]]''===
:'''Stewie''': ''[encounters Pengrove Pig]'' Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! ''[opens the book]'' Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
:'''Pengrove''': Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? ''[removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man]'' Ah, dead brill, eh?
:'''Stewie''': ''[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie]'' Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
:'''Maggie''': ''[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.]'' Whose stinky brat is this?
:'''Stewie''': That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
:'''Maggie''': Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! ''[kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]''
:'''Stewie''': It's a fake. It's not real.
:'''Brian''': I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
:'''Stewie''': I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
:'''Brian''': Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? ''[Stewie shakes his head no]'' You wanna get some McDonald's? ''[Stewie shakes his head no again]'' You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? ''[Stewie nods his head yes]'' Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

===''[[w:Family Guy Viewer Mail 1|Family Guy Viewer Mail #1]]''===
:'''Dr. Hartman''': Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
:'''West''': Oh, my...
:'''Dr. Hartman''': Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. 
:'''West''': I see...
:'''Dr. Hartman''': What in God's name were you trying to prove?
:'''West''': I was trying to gain superpowers.
:'''Dr. Hartman''': Well, that's just silly.
:'''West''': Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

===''[[w:When You Wish Upon a Weinstein|When You Wish Upon a Weinstein]]''===

:'''Lois''': Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
:'''Peter''': ''[dances]'' Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? ''[stops]'' Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peter''': Lois, no one needs glasses.
:'''Meg''': ''You'' wear glasses.
:'''Peter''': That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Family Guy}}
* {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}}
* [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com]
* [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes]
* [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com]
* [http://familyguy-cartoon.blogspot.com/ Family Guy Resources]

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      <comment>/* Teahouse */  remove no-longer relevant  section of my previous post + more</comment>
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      <text bytes="18351" sha1="j0fr16hspadix10rhs5omyydqsolpg6" xml:space="preserve">{{talkheader}} 
If you're reading Wikiquote after 00:00 UTC, and notice the quote of the day on the [[Main Page]] has not been updated, you can make the update happen by [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/wiki.phtml?title=Main_Page&amp;action=purge '''clicking here to purge the main page cache'''].

{{archives|
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/001|#1]] 2003 - 2005/11
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/002|#2]] 2005/11 - 2007/04
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/003|#3]] 2007/04 - 2010
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/004|#4]] 2010 - 2018
}}
&lt;center&gt;&lt;font size=&quot;+1&quot;&gt;This page is for discussion of the '''Main Page''' only. For general discussions or questions about Wikiquote, please go to the '''[[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]]'''.&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/center&gt;
''NOTE:  Old discussions can be found in '''[[Talk:Main Page/Archives]]''':''
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== Election related quotes ==
Suggestion: Not using any quote that has anything to do with the elections as QOTD (no matter who said it) until February. Let's try to keep everything as neutral as possible.

Ha! Since when does Wikiquote ever bother with neutrality? Today's (18th December 2022 featured quote is pro-choice and that's not the first time it's happened. It has never featured a pro-life quote. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:BB6:7A76:F858:28F8:3EEE:A8A8:B94B|2001:BB6:7A76:F858:28F8:3EEE:A8A8:B94B]] 15:30, 18 December 2022 (UTC)

== Concerning the quote for today.... ==

It is true that the cause of envy is everything good but the result of envy is everything bad. When people strive to impress others, sometimes motivated by envy,  they soon find out that nobody really cares.... [[User:Leteh|Leteh]] ([[User talk:Leteh|talk]]) 22:17, 24 November 2019 (UTC)
:Hey [[User:Leteh|Leteh]]. Welcome to Wikiquote! I can't say I'm wise enough to know whether it is true for certain, but this is the kind of thinking that a good quote inspires, and I'm glad it seems to have inspired you. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:36, 24 November 2019 (UTC)

I don't think if its true. [[User:Jacob Opwaka|Jacob Opwaka]] ([[User talk:Jacob Opwaka|talk]]) 08:20, 8 July 2020 (UTC)

== Attention! ==

Please pay attention to [[Template:Ping]] and its Discussion.--[[User:Dthomsen8|Dthomsen8]] ([[User talk:Dthomsen8|talk]]) 21:03, 9 April 2020 (UTC)

:Text/Mo Ran's time is coming late, only waiting for the cold moon to lean against the window, desk, lightly express a touch of leisure, on the note, waiting, night comes, just like [https://pvcboardmanufacturer.com/ '''waiting'''] for a woman in destiny. Youth is [https://pvcboardmanufacturer.com/ '''fading'''], and the tenderness of immortality is still hidden in the context of the years. I am still waiting, waiting for the woman who leans on time. Whose piano sound messed up the rice paper, and my thoughts were stained with ink for years. The clever melody is like a lotus in a sketch. [[User:Rferf|Rferf]] ([[User talk:Rferf|talk]]) 06:15, 1 December 2021 (UTC)
::This is a great  speech... [[User:Taslhine|Taslhine]] ([[User talk:Taslhine|talk]]) 21:26, 4 October 2023 (UTC)

== Quote of the Day 2020-05-08 (Friedrich Hayek) ==

The quote by Friedrich Hayek can't be found on his Wikiquote page: [[Friedrich Hayek]]
--[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 10:37, 8 May 2020 (UTC)

I think it's time for us to stop trolling &amp; looking down on SA Artists and start supporting our brothers and sisters coz they'll take our music far if we support em. [[User:T-cloud DaRapghost S.A|T-cloud DaRapghost S.A]] ([[User talk:T-cloud DaRapghost S.A|talk]]) 22:00, 11 June 2020 (UTC)

== Today's QOTD is broken! ==

So in the main page today (13 May 2020), the QOTD is a bit broken in terms of text arrangement (blame {{yo|Kalki}} for this one hehe). May I suggest deleting the image on the left (or make both of them go to the right, or be smaller) and that'll probably fix it, thankeez! [[User:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;#0ea900&quot;&gt;'''dibbydib '''&lt;/font&gt;]] '''⌐■_■''' &lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;([[User talk:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;barate me&lt;/font&gt;]])&lt;/font&gt;  04:27, 13 May 2020 (UTC)

== Quote of the Day 2020-06-03 (image of Donald Trump and quote from the Gospel) ==

Today's quote with the associated image is wrong on many levels.
I don't think it's Wikipedia / Wikiquote's mission to judge people's intentions, and offer personal interpretations of events and news.
It's no NPOV (Neutral Point Of View, according to Wikipedia guidelines) at the very least.
--[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 10:07, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
: {{re|ElfQrin}} From experience, [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] makes the QOTD's from each quote and is likely the one who added the provided image, so if you want it to get sorted out, that's who you've got to ask. In my opinion, it is pretty POV to add that image alongside the quote but I won't get myself involved. [[User:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;#0ea900&quot;&gt;'''dibbydib'''&lt;/font&gt;]]&lt;sup&gt;'''⌐■_■'''&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;([[User talk:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;barate me&lt;/font&gt;]])&lt;/font&gt;  10:21, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
::This is wikiquote and not wikipedia (so wikipedia guidelines should not be quoted here). Sometimes the quotes are a bit provocative, but this is still better than boring quotes (just IMO).  --[[User:დამოკიდებულება|დამოკიდებულება]] ([[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|talk]]) 10:59, 3 June 2020 (UTC)

:::Not very subtle, but it's one way to see whether anybody's actually reading the main page, I suppose. [[User:Emufarmers|Emufarmers]] ([[User talk:Emufarmers|talk]]) 00:38, 4 June 2020 (UTC)
::::I think that this should be discussed in [[Wikiquote talk:Quote of the day]] and/or [[Wikiquote talk:Image use policy]] Rupert Loup 01:56, 4 June 2020 (UTC)

== On today's QOTD ==

Today's (Sep. 21) quote seems a bit biased, forgive me if my memory is incorrect, but don't we have a policy against that? {{unsignedip|207.157.127.37|18:45, 21 September 2020}}
: There is no rule against quotes that express a point of view. If nobody actually had anything to say, there wouldn't be anything worth quoting. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 19:31, 21 September 2020 (UTC)

* Unfortunately, the editor who selects the QOTD, [[User:Kalki]], is a self-admitted Hillary voter who consistently chooses POV-pushing anti-Trump quotes, which are not even widely quoted (case in point: this particular anti-Trump quote barely returns 2 pages of Google results!), and we can confidently predict that he will continue to use the QOTD as an anti-Trump propaganda tool ahead of the election. Even though this may not be against any written policy, I would propose we should altogether avoid having anti-Trump (or anti-Biden) quotes as the QOTD at least until after the election, otherwise we give the very improper (but currently plausible) impression that Wikiquote takes sides politically (when in fact it is Kalki, the POV-pushing editor, who is taking sides). Aren't there any more worthy (and less parochial) quotes to be displayed on the front page that actually stood the test of time? ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 20:30, 21 September 2020 (UTC) &lt;small&gt;last edit: 22:40, 21 September 2020 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
::Wait is this about the [[Ruth Bader Ginsberg|RBG]] quote (&quot;My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed.&quot;)? That was a very timely and well-reported quote. I see nothing wrong with it as the QOTD. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 21:13, 21 September 2020 (UTC)
::: No, it's about the [[Stephen King]] quote (&quot;What fascinates me — mesmerizes me — isn't so much Trump himself as the American government he's crafted...&quot;) at [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 21, 2020]]. It was not as widely reported. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 21:42, 21 September 2020 (UTC)

This page became more and more a personal page to spread the political views of the QOTD editor. --[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 12:58, 10 January 2021 (UTC)

== Oct 6 QOTD ==

Is &quot;Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life.&quot; really an appropriate quote to put on the front page? Is that not something incredibly dangerous to encourage? [[User:Nixinova|Nixinova]] ([[User talk:Nixinova|talk]]) 02:47, 6 October 2020 (UTC)

== Blocked Message ==

What is the blocked message for Wikiquote?

==QotD Jan 10 2021==
How many times do people need to complain about partisan contemporary US politics being pushed on QOTD? Let's just have a rule that anything political must be 15+ years old, etc. Otherwise you'll soon see wars over whose candidates get more quotespace - and it looks like all of the complaints here are alleging the same bias... [[User:HaltlosePersonalityDisorder|HaltlosePersonalityDisorder]] ([[User talk:HaltlosePersonalityDisorder|talk]]) 00:10, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
: I'm not for old quotes only, but Wikiquote home page can't be QOTD editor's personal home page. --[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 12:36, 12 January 2021 (UTC)

== Original quote ==

My son Remington Fuller came up with a quote that everyone should live by. &quot;Live simply, so that others may simply live.&quot; [[User:RTF31406|RTF31406]] ([[User talk:RTF31406|talk]]) 03:59, 8 February 2021 (UTC)

: This particular quote goes at least as far back as [https://books.google.lu/books?id=71YpAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22others+may+simply+live%22&amp;dq=%22others+may+simply+live%22 1972], and is attributed to [[w:Elizabeth Ann Seton|Elizabeth Seton]] by Hubert Ingram Bermont in ''How to Compete Successfully in Your Own Field'' (1979), [https://books.google.lu/books?id=kBZsy7N51mAC&amp;q=%22live+simply+so+that%22+Elizabeth+Seton&amp;dq=%22live+simply+so+that%22 p. 141]. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:12, 8 February 2021 (UTC)

==Suggesting quotes when date of birth is unknown==

How can I suggest quotes for the quote of the day when date of birth/death is unknown? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:47, 21 March 2021 (UTC)
: y associated date to a person's birth or death, this can be stated with the suggestion, preferably with some other date that is historically associated with the person, or plausibly with the quote, but not necessarily so. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:15, 21 March 2021 (UTC)

Thank you for your reply. There are many people (or even quotes from anonymous works) for which no date can be associated. For how many people from Ancient Greece do we know the exact date of birth? With other cultures, even in medieval or modern times, it is even worse. 
As another example, a quote about Shiva could be placed on the day of Shivaratri, but the Shivaratri festival falls in the western calender on a different day each year.

With the current system, a lot of very good quotes cannot be suggested.

I propose the creation of two additional pages, one page to suggest quotes for which no date can be associated with, and one page for quotes which can be associated with a date, but it varies from year to year in the Western calendar.  --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:42, 22 March 2021 (UTC)

:To clarify, quotes from these pages could be used on days where there too few quote suggestions, March 30 only has one or two quote suggestions. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:31, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Missing picture on the QOTD ==

[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 10, 2021|Today's QOTD]] seems to be missing a picture since it was deleted on Commons. Can a replacement be added? Pinging [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] as the page's creator. [[User:Aranya|Aranya]] ([[User talk:Aranya|talk]]) 16:29, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
: The missing image has now been replaced. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:29, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
:: Only one picture? Yes. We seem to have forgotten the [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 46#Vote on Main Page Image Policy|decision, after much discussion,]] that there ''should be'' only one, a consensus reached and agreed to in September 2015, and observed (mostly) until it was abandoned without discussion late last year. (Also abandoned, as seen in [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 11, 2021|today's page]], is the [[WQ:IMAGE|&quot;official&quot; policy]] about specific relevance, for what it's worth.) ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:48, 11 July 2021 (UTC)

== About high schools ==

I think that we must talk about children's being bullied, where I am bullying is a very big problem. Next year I will start grade 8.and I may also be bulled .so I think we can tell them how it feels to be bullied or to bully others. And we must tell them about the about being pregnant at a young age and about the life that comes after being pregnant at a young age [[User:Khanyisile sithole|Khanyisile sithole]] ([[User talk:Khanyisile sithole|talk]]) 11:12, 17 July 2021 (UTC)

== new proverbs ==

How can new proverbs, recently published by ordinary people, be added to this database? I have a file of 300 beautiful proverbs, and they are translated into seven languages, and I have been given permission to publish them, please. [[User:ששון|ששון]] ([[User talk:ששון|talk]]) 22:20, 1 August 2021 (UTC)

Hope helps you through the dark moments of our life.

:Original works are not within our scope. You are better to publish them on other venues. Thank you for your considerations. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 06:46, 6 September 2021 (UTC)

This could be a very nice development if attention is given [[User:Denisseo1234|Denisseo1234]] ([[User talk:Denisseo1234|talk]]) 16:09, 13 October 2021 (UTC)
== Hausa Wikiquote ==
I want to open Wikiquote in my Language (Hausa) which exist on wikipedia, as there are alot of interesting quotes and proverbs in my native tongue. How can I go about it [[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 18:47, 16 January 2022 (UTC)

:Hi {{u|Uncle Bash007}}, you can start working on the project
[https://incubator.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:IncubatorFirstSteps&amp;testwiki=Wq%2Fha here] and propose the project at [[:meta:Requests for new languages]]. It's a long process and will require collaboration from other Hausa speakers. Hope this helps, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 13:34, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:Hi {{u|Rubbish computer}} Thanks for the response and ofcourse it does. I really appreciate [[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 13:49, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

::Hi {{u|Uncle Bash007}}, no problem, hope you can start the project at some point. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 22:55, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Hi {{u|Rubbish computer}}, Sure, I will let you know as soon S possible. Thank u[[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 10:40, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

== Typo in the &quot;New pages&quot; image caption ==

Greetings and felicitations.  On the homepage, in &quot;New in Wikiquote:Xiomara Castro&quot; there should be a space after the colon. —[[User:DocWatson42|DocWatson42]] ([[User talk:DocWatson42|talk]]) 09:22, 5 February 2022 (UTC)

== Teahouse ==

Why isn’t there a Teahouse like Wikipedia? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 14:02, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
:Why are you repeating this posting here? Why not continue the discussion you started [[Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_60#Teahouse|here]]? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:04, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
:: @[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I see this discussion was started by @[[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] on ''May 6, 2022''  almost  two weeks before they posted here. Since that discussion did not yield enough volunteers I assume @Ilovemydoodle posted here hoping to get more volunteers.
::Are you suggestIng he did something wrong? How would you go about starting a teahouse on wq? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:47, 28 October 2024 (UTC)

== History  ==

How did apartheid affect people's lives [[User:Remothabetse|Remothabetse]] ([[User talk:Remothabetse|talk]]) 21:32, 17 August 2023 (UTC)

== Movie history  ==

Matt Dillon in 1978. In the movie. Over the edge. Said The Only Thing in Texas Is Steers And Queers. [[User:Goanfuself1|Goanfuself1]] ([[User talk:Goanfuself1|talk]]) 22:35, 29 September 2023 (UTC)

== Quote ==

Practice doesn't make your work perfect, But helps you to do better progress [[User:Yeojjamora|Yeojjamora]] ([[User talk:Yeojjamora|talk]]) 08:01, 21 November 2023 (UTC)

==  qoutes  ==

What is essential is invisible to the eye [[User:Casandra Estapia|Casandra Estapia]] ([[User talk:Casandra Estapia|talk]]) 01:48, 11 September 2024 (UTC)

== Happiness ==

1. &quot;There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path
2. &quot;HAppiness is the key to beauty, without happiness, beauty is nothing
3. &quot;true happiness can be found in the tiniest things.&quot;
4. &quot;happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like.&quot;
5.&quot;you can find true happiness from your family.&quot; [[User:Derickrein100612|Derickrein100612]] ([[User talk:Derickrein100612|talk]]) 05:44, 16 September 2024 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>j0fr16hspadix10rhs5omyydqsolpg6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607020</id>
      <parentid>3607018</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:46:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Teahouse */another oops in my previous post</comment>
      <origin>3607020</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18353" sha1="cq282zl50ld7g343j3wg9hbhhz3htmb" xml:space="preserve">{{talkheader}} 
If you're reading Wikiquote after 00:00 UTC, and notice the quote of the day on the [[Main Page]] has not been updated, you can make the update happen by [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/wiki.phtml?title=Main_Page&amp;action=purge '''clicking here to purge the main page cache'''].

{{archives|
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/001|#1]] 2003 - 2005/11
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/002|#2]] 2005/11 - 2007/04
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/003|#3]] 2007/04 - 2010
*[[Talk:Main Page/Archives/004|#4]] 2010 - 2018
}}
&lt;center&gt;&lt;font size=&quot;+1&quot;&gt;This page is for discussion of the '''Main Page''' only. For general discussions or questions about Wikiquote, please go to the '''[[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]]'''.&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/center&gt;
''NOTE:  Old discussions can be found in '''[[Talk:Main Page/Archives]]''':''
----
----

== Election related quotes ==
Suggestion: Not using any quote that has anything to do with the elections as QOTD (no matter who said it) until February. Let's try to keep everything as neutral as possible.

Ha! Since when does Wikiquote ever bother with neutrality? Today's (18th December 2022 featured quote is pro-choice and that's not the first time it's happened. It has never featured a pro-life quote. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:BB6:7A76:F858:28F8:3EEE:A8A8:B94B|2001:BB6:7A76:F858:28F8:3EEE:A8A8:B94B]] 15:30, 18 December 2022 (UTC)

== Concerning the quote for today.... ==

It is true that the cause of envy is everything good but the result of envy is everything bad. When people strive to impress others, sometimes motivated by envy,  they soon find out that nobody really cares.... [[User:Leteh|Leteh]] ([[User talk:Leteh|talk]]) 22:17, 24 November 2019 (UTC)
:Hey [[User:Leteh|Leteh]]. Welcome to Wikiquote! I can't say I'm wise enough to know whether it is true for certain, but this is the kind of thinking that a good quote inspires, and I'm glad it seems to have inspired you. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:36, 24 November 2019 (UTC)

I don't think if its true. [[User:Jacob Opwaka|Jacob Opwaka]] ([[User talk:Jacob Opwaka|talk]]) 08:20, 8 July 2020 (UTC)

== Attention! ==

Please pay attention to [[Template:Ping]] and its Discussion.--[[User:Dthomsen8|Dthomsen8]] ([[User talk:Dthomsen8|talk]]) 21:03, 9 April 2020 (UTC)

:Text/Mo Ran's time is coming late, only waiting for the cold moon to lean against the window, desk, lightly express a touch of leisure, on the note, waiting, night comes, just like [https://pvcboardmanufacturer.com/ '''waiting'''] for a woman in destiny. Youth is [https://pvcboardmanufacturer.com/ '''fading'''], and the tenderness of immortality is still hidden in the context of the years. I am still waiting, waiting for the woman who leans on time. Whose piano sound messed up the rice paper, and my thoughts were stained with ink for years. The clever melody is like a lotus in a sketch. [[User:Rferf|Rferf]] ([[User talk:Rferf|talk]]) 06:15, 1 December 2021 (UTC)
::This is a great  speech... [[User:Taslhine|Taslhine]] ([[User talk:Taslhine|talk]]) 21:26, 4 October 2023 (UTC)

== Quote of the Day 2020-05-08 (Friedrich Hayek) ==

The quote by Friedrich Hayek can't be found on his Wikiquote page: [[Friedrich Hayek]]
--[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 10:37, 8 May 2020 (UTC)

I think it's time for us to stop trolling &amp; looking down on SA Artists and start supporting our brothers and sisters coz they'll take our music far if we support em. [[User:T-cloud DaRapghost S.A|T-cloud DaRapghost S.A]] ([[User talk:T-cloud DaRapghost S.A|talk]]) 22:00, 11 June 2020 (UTC)

== Today's QOTD is broken! ==

So in the main page today (13 May 2020), the QOTD is a bit broken in terms of text arrangement (blame {{yo|Kalki}} for this one hehe). May I suggest deleting the image on the left (or make both of them go to the right, or be smaller) and that'll probably fix it, thankeez! [[User:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;#0ea900&quot;&gt;'''dibbydib '''&lt;/font&gt;]] '''⌐■_■''' &lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;([[User talk:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;barate me&lt;/font&gt;]])&lt;/font&gt;  04:27, 13 May 2020 (UTC)

== Quote of the Day 2020-06-03 (image of Donald Trump and quote from the Gospel) ==

Today's quote with the associated image is wrong on many levels.
I don't think it's Wikipedia / Wikiquote's mission to judge people's intentions, and offer personal interpretations of events and news.
It's no NPOV (Neutral Point Of View, according to Wikipedia guidelines) at the very least.
--[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 10:07, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
: {{re|ElfQrin}} From experience, [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] makes the QOTD's from each quote and is likely the one who added the provided image, so if you want it to get sorted out, that's who you've got to ask. In my opinion, it is pretty POV to add that image alongside the quote but I won't get myself involved. [[User:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;#0ea900&quot;&gt;'''dibbydib'''&lt;/font&gt;]]&lt;sup&gt;'''⌐■_■'''&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;([[User talk:Dibbydib|&lt;font color=&quot;blue&quot;&gt;barate me&lt;/font&gt;]])&lt;/font&gt;  10:21, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
::This is wikiquote and not wikipedia (so wikipedia guidelines should not be quoted here). Sometimes the quotes are a bit provocative, but this is still better than boring quotes (just IMO).  --[[User:დამოკიდებულება|დამოკიდებულება]] ([[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|talk]]) 10:59, 3 June 2020 (UTC)

:::Not very subtle, but it's one way to see whether anybody's actually reading the main page, I suppose. [[User:Emufarmers|Emufarmers]] ([[User talk:Emufarmers|talk]]) 00:38, 4 June 2020 (UTC)
::::I think that this should be discussed in [[Wikiquote talk:Quote of the day]] and/or [[Wikiquote talk:Image use policy]] Rupert Loup 01:56, 4 June 2020 (UTC)

== On today's QOTD ==

Today's (Sep. 21) quote seems a bit biased, forgive me if my memory is incorrect, but don't we have a policy against that? {{unsignedip|207.157.127.37|18:45, 21 September 2020}}
: There is no rule against quotes that express a point of view. If nobody actually had anything to say, there wouldn't be anything worth quoting. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 19:31, 21 September 2020 (UTC)

* Unfortunately, the editor who selects the QOTD, [[User:Kalki]], is a self-admitted Hillary voter who consistently chooses POV-pushing anti-Trump quotes, which are not even widely quoted (case in point: this particular anti-Trump quote barely returns 2 pages of Google results!), and we can confidently predict that he will continue to use the QOTD as an anti-Trump propaganda tool ahead of the election. Even though this may not be against any written policy, I would propose we should altogether avoid having anti-Trump (or anti-Biden) quotes as the QOTD at least until after the election, otherwise we give the very improper (but currently plausible) impression that Wikiquote takes sides politically (when in fact it is Kalki, the POV-pushing editor, who is taking sides). Aren't there any more worthy (and less parochial) quotes to be displayed on the front page that actually stood the test of time? ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 20:30, 21 September 2020 (UTC) &lt;small&gt;last edit: 22:40, 21 September 2020 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
::Wait is this about the [[Ruth Bader Ginsberg|RBG]] quote (&quot;My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed.&quot;)? That was a very timely and well-reported quote. I see nothing wrong with it as the QOTD. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 21:13, 21 September 2020 (UTC)
::: No, it's about the [[Stephen King]] quote (&quot;What fascinates me — mesmerizes me — isn't so much Trump himself as the American government he's crafted...&quot;) at [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 21, 2020]]. It was not as widely reported. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 21:42, 21 September 2020 (UTC)

This page became more and more a personal page to spread the political views of the QOTD editor. --[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 12:58, 10 January 2021 (UTC)

== Oct 6 QOTD ==

Is &quot;Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life.&quot; really an appropriate quote to put on the front page? Is that not something incredibly dangerous to encourage? [[User:Nixinova|Nixinova]] ([[User talk:Nixinova|talk]]) 02:47, 6 October 2020 (UTC)

== Blocked Message ==

What is the blocked message for Wikiquote?

==QotD Jan 10 2021==
How many times do people need to complain about partisan contemporary US politics being pushed on QOTD? Let's just have a rule that anything political must be 15+ years old, etc. Otherwise you'll soon see wars over whose candidates get more quotespace - and it looks like all of the complaints here are alleging the same bias... [[User:HaltlosePersonalityDisorder|HaltlosePersonalityDisorder]] ([[User talk:HaltlosePersonalityDisorder|talk]]) 00:10, 11 January 2021 (UTC)
: I'm not for old quotes only, but Wikiquote home page can't be QOTD editor's personal home page. --[[User:ElfQrin|ElfQrin]] ([[User talk:ElfQrin|talk]]) 12:36, 12 January 2021 (UTC)

== Original quote ==

My son Remington Fuller came up with a quote that everyone should live by. &quot;Live simply, so that others may simply live.&quot; [[User:RTF31406|RTF31406]] ([[User talk:RTF31406|talk]]) 03:59, 8 February 2021 (UTC)

: This particular quote goes at least as far back as [https://books.google.lu/books?id=71YpAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22others+may+simply+live%22&amp;dq=%22others+may+simply+live%22 1972], and is attributed to [[w:Elizabeth Ann Seton|Elizabeth Seton]] by Hubert Ingram Bermont in ''How to Compete Successfully in Your Own Field'' (1979), [https://books.google.lu/books?id=kBZsy7N51mAC&amp;q=%22live+simply+so+that%22+Elizabeth+Seton&amp;dq=%22live+simply+so+that%22 p. 141]. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:12, 8 February 2021 (UTC)

==Suggesting quotes when date of birth is unknown==

How can I suggest quotes for the quote of the day when date of birth/death is unknown? --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:47, 21 March 2021 (UTC)
: y associated date to a person's birth or death, this can be stated with the suggestion, preferably with some other date that is historically associated with the person, or plausibly with the quote, but not necessarily so. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:15, 21 March 2021 (UTC)

Thank you for your reply. There are many people (or even quotes from anonymous works) for which no date can be associated. For how many people from Ancient Greece do we know the exact date of birth? With other cultures, even in medieval or modern times, it is even worse. 
As another example, a quote about Shiva could be placed on the day of Shivaratri, but the Shivaratri festival falls in the western calender on a different day each year.

With the current system, a lot of very good quotes cannot be suggested.

I propose the creation of two additional pages, one page to suggest quotes for which no date can be associated with, and one page for quotes which can be associated with a date, but it varies from year to year in the Western calendar.  --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:42, 22 March 2021 (UTC)

:To clarify, quotes from these pages could be used on days where there too few quote suggestions, March 30 only has one or two quote suggestions. --&lt;small&gt;[[User talk:დამოკიდებულება|ო]]&lt;/small&gt; ~ &lt;sup&gt;[[Wikiquote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]]&lt;/sup&gt; 11:31, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Missing picture on the QOTD ==

[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 10, 2021|Today's QOTD]] seems to be missing a picture since it was deleted on Commons. Can a replacement be added? Pinging [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] as the page's creator. [[User:Aranya|Aranya]] ([[User talk:Aranya|talk]]) 16:29, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
: The missing image has now been replaced. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:29, 10 July 2021 (UTC)
:: Only one picture? Yes. We seem to have forgotten the [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 46#Vote on Main Page Image Policy|decision, after much discussion,]] that there ''should be'' only one, a consensus reached and agreed to in September 2015, and observed (mostly) until it was abandoned without discussion late last year. (Also abandoned, as seen in [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 11, 2021|today's page]], is the [[WQ:IMAGE|&quot;official&quot; policy]] about specific relevance, for what it's worth.) ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:48, 11 July 2021 (UTC)

== About high schools ==

I think that we must talk about children's being bullied, where I am bullying is a very big problem. Next year I will start grade 8.and I may also be bulled .so I think we can tell them how it feels to be bullied or to bully others. And we must tell them about the about being pregnant at a young age and about the life that comes after being pregnant at a young age [[User:Khanyisile sithole|Khanyisile sithole]] ([[User talk:Khanyisile sithole|talk]]) 11:12, 17 July 2021 (UTC)

== new proverbs ==

How can new proverbs, recently published by ordinary people, be added to this database? I have a file of 300 beautiful proverbs, and they are translated into seven languages, and I have been given permission to publish them, please. [[User:ששון|ששון]] ([[User talk:ששון|talk]]) 22:20, 1 August 2021 (UTC)

Hope helps you through the dark moments of our life.

:Original works are not within our scope. You are better to publish them on other venues. Thank you for your considerations. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 06:46, 6 September 2021 (UTC)

This could be a very nice development if attention is given [[User:Denisseo1234|Denisseo1234]] ([[User talk:Denisseo1234|talk]]) 16:09, 13 October 2021 (UTC)
== Hausa Wikiquote ==
I want to open Wikiquote in my Language (Hausa) which exist on wikipedia, as there are alot of interesting quotes and proverbs in my native tongue. How can I go about it [[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 18:47, 16 January 2022 (UTC)

:Hi {{u|Uncle Bash007}}, you can start working on the project
[https://incubator.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:IncubatorFirstSteps&amp;testwiki=Wq%2Fha here] and propose the project at [[:meta:Requests for new languages]]. It's a long process and will require collaboration from other Hausa speakers. Hope this helps, [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 13:34, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

:Hi {{u|Rubbish computer}} Thanks for the response and ofcourse it does. I really appreciate [[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 13:49, 11 June 2022 (UTC)

::Hi {{u|Uncle Bash007}}, no problem, hope you can start the project at some point. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 22:55, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Hi {{u|Rubbish computer}}, Sure, I will let you know as soon S possible. Thank u[[User:Uncle Bash007|Uncle Bash007]] ([[User talk:Uncle Bash007|talk]]) 10:40, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

== Typo in the &quot;New pages&quot; image caption ==

Greetings and felicitations.  On the homepage, in &quot;New in Wikiquote:Xiomara Castro&quot; there should be a space after the colon. —[[User:DocWatson42|DocWatson42]] ([[User talk:DocWatson42|talk]]) 09:22, 5 February 2022 (UTC)

== Teahouse ==

Why isn’t there a Teahouse like Wikipedia? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 14:02, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
:Why are you repeating this posting here? Why not continue the discussion you started [[Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_60#Teahouse|here]]? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:04, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
:: @[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I see this discussion was started by @[[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] on ''May 6, 2022''  almost  two weeks before they posted here. Since that discussion did not yield enough volunteers I assume @Ilovemydoodle posted here hoping to get more volunteers.
::Are you suggesting they did something wrong? How would you go about starting a teahouse on wq? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:47, 28 October 2024 (UTC)

== History  ==

How did apartheid affect people's lives [[User:Remothabetse|Remothabetse]] ([[User talk:Remothabetse|talk]]) 21:32, 17 August 2023 (UTC)

== Movie history  ==

Matt Dillon in 1978. In the movie. Over the edge. Said The Only Thing in Texas Is Steers And Queers. [[User:Goanfuself1|Goanfuself1]] ([[User talk:Goanfuself1|talk]]) 22:35, 29 September 2023 (UTC)

== Quote ==

Practice doesn't make your work perfect, But helps you to do better progress [[User:Yeojjamora|Yeojjamora]] ([[User talk:Yeojjamora|talk]]) 08:01, 21 November 2023 (UTC)

==  qoutes  ==

What is essential is invisible to the eye [[User:Casandra Estapia|Casandra Estapia]] ([[User talk:Casandra Estapia|talk]]) 01:48, 11 September 2024 (UTC)

== Happiness ==

1. &quot;There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path
2. &quot;HAppiness is the key to beauty, without happiness, beauty is nothing
3. &quot;true happiness can be found in the tiniest things.&quot;
4. &quot;happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like.&quot;
5.&quot;you can find true happiness from your family.&quot; [[User:Derickrein100612|Derickrein100612]] ([[User talk:Derickrein100612|talk]]) 05:44, 16 September 2024 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>Lewis Hamilton</title>
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      <comment>rvv Undo revision [[Special:Diff/3606366|3606366]] by [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:889D:1A61:35E0:64B4:FA4D:7D2F|2401:4900:889D:1A61:35E0:64B4:FA4D:7D2F]] ([[User talk:2401:4900:889D:1A61:35E0:64B4:FA4D:7D2F|talk]])</comment>
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      <text bytes="2278" sha1="1y82tuy03bfymmt32e7fgilepl0hdy1" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Lewis Hamilton 2016 Malaysia 2.jpg|thumb|Hamilton in 2016]]
'''[[w:Lewis Hamilton|Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton]]''' (born [[7 January]] [[1985]]) is a [[United Kingdom|British]] [[w:Formula One|Formula One]] [[w:Auto racing|driver]].

{{sport-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* Sure every driver has his value and you want to be respected but again money is not something that drives me.
** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/motorsport/formula_one/6275778.stm &quot;Hamilton makes pledge to McLaren&quot;], ''BBC.co.uk'', 6 July 2007

* It is actually quite exciting when you're flying headfirst into a barrier—the initial part, the initial part is actually quite fun, especially when you hit the gravel trap and you get some air, and then you see it coming and you think 'erk—it's gonna hurt!'
** ''[[Top Gear]]'', Series 10, Episode 8, 2 December 2007

* We all wanna feel great. We all wanna look great, have more energy. The most important thing is about having the right fuel in your body. I can't remember feeling this great in my whole 32 years of my life.
** On his [[Veganism|vegan]] lifestyle. Interview in the documentary-film ''[[The Game Changers]]'' by Louie Psihoyos, 2018&lt;!-- 1:18:12 --&gt;

* Ultimately, you want to feel great. You want to have energy, to be consistent. You don’t want to have the big oscillations and highs and lows in your energy levels. [[Veganism]] has eradicated that. … One of the things was my sleeping pattern and not feeling right in the stomach. Your gut is your second brain. We’re taught to drink milk and eat meat for protein and I started looking into other areas of research around all this. The first thing was, what’s happening to the animals? Secondly, the impact it can have on your body. That’s a free advantage I’m going to take. If no one else wants it, well that’s their loss.
** [https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/cars/article/lewis-hamilton-interview-2020 &quot;What next for world-beating Lewis Hamilton?&quot;], ''GQ-magazine.co.uk'', 20 January 2020

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}

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    <title>Stardust (Gaiman novel)</title>
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[[File:Acrux.png|thumb|&quot;The little folk dare anything&quot;, said his friend. &quot;And they talks a lot of nonsense. But they talks an awful lot of sense, as well. You listen to 'em at your peril, and you ignore 'em at your peril, too&quot;.]]

'''''[[w:Stardust (novella)|Stardust: Being A Romance Within The Realm of Faerie]]''''' (1998) is the second solo prose novel by [[Neil Gaiman]]. It is usually published with illustrations by [[w:Charles Vess|Charles Vess]]. For quotes from the 2007 film based upon it, see '''''[[Stardust (2007 film)|Stardust]]''''' (2007).

=== Chapter One: In Which We Learn of the Village of Wall... ===
:&lt;small&gt;In Which We Learn of the Village of Wall, and of the Curious Thing That Occurs There Every Nine Years&lt;/small&gt;

* '''There was once a young man who wished to gain his Heart's Desire.'''&lt;br&gt;And while that is, as beginnings go, not entirely novel (for every tale about every young man there ever was or will be could start in a similar manner) there was much about this young man and what happened to him that was unusual, although even he never knew the whole of it.&lt;br&gt;The tale started, as many tales have started, in Wall.
** First lines
* '''Immediately to the east of Wall is a high grey rock wall, from which the town takes its name.''' This wall is old, built of rough, square lumps of hewn granite, and it comes from the woods and goes back to the woods once more.&lt;br&gt;There is only one break in the wall; an opening about six feet in width, a little to the north of the village.&lt;br&gt;Through the gap in the wall can be seen a large green meadow; beyond the meadow, a stream; and beyond the stream there are trees. From time to time shapes and figures can be seen, amongst the trees, in the distance. Huge shapes and odd shapes and small, glimmering things which flash and glitter and are gone. '''Although it is perfectly good meadow-land, none of the villagers has ever grazed animals on the meadow on the other side of the wall. Nor have they used it for growing crops.&lt;br&gt;Instead, for hundreds, perhaps for thousands of years, they have posted guards on each side of the opening on the wall, and done their best to put it out of their minds.'''
* Very rarely someone comes to Wall knowing what they are looking for, and these people they will sometimes allow through. There is a look in the eyes, and once seen it cannot be mistaken.
* The guard is relaxed once every nine years, on [[w:May Day|May Day]], when a fair comes to the meadow.

===  Chapter Two: In Which Tristran Thorn Grows to Manhood... ===
:&lt;small&gt; In Which Tristran Thorn Grows to Manhood and Makes a Rash Promise&lt;/small&gt;

* '''By the time Victoria was seventeen, and Tristan also, she was in all probability, he was certain, the most beautiful girl in the British Isles.''' Tristran would have insisted on the most beautiful girl in the entire British Empire, if not the world, and boxed you, or been prepared to, had you argued with him. You would have been hard-pressed to find anyone in Wall who would have argued with him, though; she turned many heads and, in all probability, broke many hearts.
* Every boy in the village was in love with Victoria Forester. And many a sedate gentleman, quietly married with grey in his beard, would stare at her as she walked down the street, becoming, for a few moments, a boy once more, in the spring of his years with a spring in his step.
* '''Few of us now have seen the stars as folk saw them then — our cities and towns cast too much light into the night''' — but, from the village of Wall, the stars were laid out like worlds or like ideas, uncountable as the trees in a forest or the leaves on a tree. Tristan would stare into the darkness of the sky until he thought of nothing at all, and then he would go back to his bed, and sleep like a dead man.
* &quot;And if I brought you the fallen star?&quot; asked Tristran lightly. &quot;What would you give me? A kiss? Your hand in marriage?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;Anything you desire&quot;, said Victoria, amused.

===  Chapter Three: In Which We Encounter Several Other Persons... ===
:&lt;small&gt; In Which We Encounter Several Other Persons, Many of Them Still Alive, With an Interest in the Fate of the Fallen Star&lt;/small&gt;

* A question like 'How big is Faerie?' does not admit of a simple answer.&lt;br&gt;Faerie, after all, is not one land, one principality or dominion. Maps of Faerie are unreliable, and may not be depended upon.&lt;br&gt;We talk of the kings and queens of Faerie as we would speak of the kings and queens of England. But Faerie is bigger than England, as it is bigger than the world (for, since the dawn of time, each land that has been forced off the map by explorers and the brave going out and proving it wasn't there has taken refuge in Faerie; so it is now, by the time that we come to write of it, a most huge place indeed, containing every manner of landscape and terrain). ''Here'', truly, ''there be dragons''. Also gryphons, wyverns, hippogriffs, basilisks, and hydras. There are all manner of more familiar animals as well, cats affectionate and aloof, dogs noble and cowardly, wolves and foxes, eagles and bears.

=== Chapter Four: &quot;Can I Get There by Candlelight?&quot; ===
* He stared up at the stars: and it seemed to him then that they were dancers stately and graceful, performing a dance almost infinite in its complexity. He imagined he could see the very faces of the stars; pale, they were, and smiling gently, as if they had spent so much time above the world, watching the scrambling and the joy and the pain of the people below them, that they could not help being amused every time another little human believed itself the center of its world, as each of us does.
* &quot;'''The little folk dare anything&quot;, said his friend. &quot;And they talks a lot of nonsense. But they talks an awful lot of sense, as well. You listen to 'em at your peril, and you ignore 'em at your peril, too&quot;'''.

=== Chapter Five: In Which There is Much Fighting for the Crown ===
* '''This I say: you have stolen knowledge you did not earn, but it shall not profit you. For you shall be unable to see the star, unable to perceive it, unable to touch it, to taste it, to find it, to kill it.''' Even if another were to cut out its heart and give it to you, you would not know it, never know what you had in your hand. This I say. These are my words, and they are a true-speaking.

=== Chapter Six: What the Tree Said===
* When I was very young, somebody — maybe it was a squirrel, they talk so much, or a magpie, or maybe a fishie — told me that [[w:Pan (mythology)|Pan]] owned all this forest. Well, not owned owned. Not like he would sell the forest to someone else, or put a wall all around it ... '''It's not hard to own something. Or everything. You just have to know that it's yours, and then be willing to let it go. Pan owns this forest, like that.'''
* '''I will tell you three true things. Two of them I will tell you now, and the last is for when you need it most. You will have to judge for yourself when that will be.'''
* &quot;I am the most miserable person who ever lived&quot;, he said to the Lord Primus, when they stopped to feed the horses feedbags of damp oats.&lt;br&gt;&quot;You are young, and in love&quot;, said Primus. &quot;Every young man in your position is the most miserable young man who ever lived&quot;.

=== Chapter Seven: &quot;At the Sign of the Chariot&quot; ===
* Billy lowered his head and ran, headlong, at the unicorn, as if he were about to butt it with his forehead. The unicorn lowered its head also, and Billy the Innkeeper met his unfortunate end.
* The witch-queen pulled her body from the horn, and, one hand gripping her wounded shoulder, the other holding her cleaver, she staggered to her feet. &lt;br&gt; Her eyes scanned the room, alighting on Tristran and the star huddled by the fire. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, she lurched toward them, a cleaver in her hand and a smile upon her face.&lt;br&gt;&quot;The burning golden heart of a star at peace is so much finer than the flickering heart of a little frightened star&quot;, she told them, her voice oddly calm and detached, coming, as it was, from that blood-bespattered face. &quot;But even the heart of a star who is afraid and scared is better by far than no heart at all&quot;.
* Stand, or we die now.

=== Chapter Eight: Which Treats of Castles in the Air, and Other Matters ===
* There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of unhatched chicks.
* She had a unicorn to protect her. Now I have the unicorn's head, and I will bring it back with me, for it's long enough since we had fresh ground unicorn's horn in our arts
* &quot;She is still in Faerie. But she is going to the Market at Wall, and that is too close to the world on the other side of the wall. Once she goes into that world, she will be lost to us&quot;.&lt;br&gt; For they each of them knew that, were the star to cross the wall and enter the world of things as they are, she would become, in an instant, no more than a pitted lump of metallic rock that had fallen, once, from the heavens: cold and dead and of no more use to them.
* Tristran sat at the top of the spire of cloud and wondered why none of the heroes of the penny dreadfuls he used to read so avidly were ever hungry. His stomach rumbled, and his hand hurt him so.&lt;br&gt; '''Adventures are all very well in their place, he thought, but there's a lot to be said for regular meals and freedom from pain.'''&lt;br&gt;Still, he was alive, and the wind was in his hair, and the cloud was scudding through the sky like a galleon at full sail. Looking out over the world from above, he could never remember feeling so alive as he did at that moment. There was a ''skyness'' to the sky and a ''nowness'' to the world that he had never seen or felt or realized before.&lt;br&gt;He understood that he was, in some way, above his problems, just as he was above the world.
* It doesn't matter if I believe it or not, that's just the way things are.

=== Chapter Ten: Stardust ===
[[File:Почести меняют нравы, но редко к лучшему.jpg|thumb|Have been unavoidably detained by the [[world]]. &lt;br&gt; [[Expect]] us when you [[see]] us.]]
* '''It has occasionally been remarked upon that it is as easy to overlook something large and obvious as it is to overlook something small and niggling, and that the large things one overlooks can often cause problems.'''
* I ran from him. But he found me and bound me with an obligation, which binds my kind more securely than any chain ever could.
* '''I think that I am responsible for all that I have done, not you.''' And it is hard to regret a moment of it, although I missed soft beds from time to time, and I shall never be able to look at another dormouse in quite the same way ever again.
* &quot;Everything I ever thought about myself—who I was, what I am—was a lie. Or sort of. You have no idea how astonishingly liberating that feels&quot;.
* &quot;If you ever get to be my age&quot;, said the old woman, &quot;you will know all there is to know about regrets, and you will know that one more, here or there, will make no difference in the long run&quot;.
* They say that each night, when the duties of state permit, she climbs, on foot, and limps, alone, to the highest peak of the palace, where she stands for hour after hour, seeming not to notice the cold peak winds. She says nothing at all, but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches, with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars. (closing words)

=== Epilogue: In Which Several Endings May Be Discerned ===
* '''Have been unavoidably detained by the world. &lt;br&gt; Expect us when you see us.'''

=== Acknowledgments ===
* First and foremost, my thanks to [[w:Charles Vess|Charles Vess]]. He is the nearest thing we have today to the great Victorian fairy painters, and without his art as an inspiration none of these words would exist.
* I owe an enormous debt to [[w:Hope Mirrlees|Hope Mirrlees]], [[Lord Dunsany]], [[James Branch Cabell]] and [[C. S. Lewis]], wherever they may currently be, for showing me that fairy stories were for adults too.
* [[Tori Amos|Tori]] lent me a house, and I wrote the first chapter in it, and all she asked in exchange was that I make her a tree.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.neilgaiman.com/works/Books/Stardust/ ''Stardust'' on Neilgaiman.com]
* [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9902/25/gaiman.neil/ Neil Gaiman: Adults deserve good fairy tales, too]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Stardust (Novella)}}
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    <title>Josiah Quincy II</title>
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'''[[w:Josiah Quincy II|Josiah Quincy II]]''' ([[February 23]], [[1744]] – [[April 26]], [[1775]]) was a famous American lawyer. He was father of [[Josiah Quincy III]], and son of the first [[w:Josiah Quincy I|Josiah Quincy I]] (1709–1784).

==Quotes==
*&quot;Blandishments will not fascinate us, nor will threats of a 'halter' intimidate. For, under God, we are determined that wheresoever, whensoever, or howsoever we shall be called to make our exit, we will die free men.&quot;
**''Observations on the Boston Port Bill'', 1774.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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    <title>Mutiny on the Bounty</title>
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{{DISPLAYTITLE:Mutiny on the ''Bounty''}}
The '''[[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|Mutiny on the ''Bounty'']]''' occurred aboard [[w:HMAV Bounty|HMAV ''Bounty'']] on 28 April 1789, led by Acting Lieutenant [[w:Fletcher Christian|Fletcher Christian]] against the ship's captain, Lieutenant [[William Bligh]].

{{history-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* '''... the [[wreck of the Batavia|wreck of the ''Batavia'']] provides the greatest dramatic tragedy in Australian history, beside which the Mutiny on the ''Bounty'' is an anaemic tale.'''
** [[Thomas Davies Mutch]], in a private letter to [[Henrietta Drake-Brockman]], 1947. Published in the Foreword to Drake-Brockman's 1963 ''Voyage to Discovery''.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

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      <id>3607350</id>
      <parentid>3582652</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:17:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>prep for coming month</comment>
      <origin>3607350</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16874" sha1="8u4x89331mwk391wb5uvi67gw47h0gf" xml:space="preserve">{{QoDBar}}
&lt;div align=&quot;center&quot; cellspacing=&quot;3&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 4em; border: 2px solid #CCCCFF; background-color: #FFFD38;&quot;&gt;
'''This page contains links to pages for &quot;Quotes of the Day&quot; which were on the [[Main Page]] and associated images, since 2007, displayed by month.'''
:&lt;small&gt;For a period of several months there were also associated sound files made for many of them, but that experiment was abandoned.&lt;/small&gt;
: See also: '''[[Wikiquote:Quote of the Day|Quote of the Day (complete list 2003 - January 2012)]]''' &lt;!--  - [[Wikiquote:Quotes of the Year|Quotes of the Year]] DEFUNCT archival page --&gt; 
&lt;/div&gt;

'''The first &quot;Quote of the Day&quot; at Wikiquote, was selected on [[11 July]] [[2003]]''': 
: '''I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.''' ~ [[Martin Luther King]]

Initially QOTD selections would often remain unchanged for several days, but since 2 February 2004, they have always been changed on a daily basis. Since June 2005, QOTD proposals have been made at pages for each month which have sections for each date, and final selections usually reflect the result of rankings made there. 

Any registered user is invited to make proposals, or to rank each candidate on these pages:

: '''[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January|January]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February|February]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March|March]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April|April]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May|May]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June|June]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July|July]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August|August]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September|September]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October|October]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November|November]] - [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December|December]]'''

Images began to be used in association with QOTDs on 27 January 2008:
[[Image:Cheshire_Cat_Tenniel.png|frameless|right|Cat]]
:&lt;p&gt;&quot;In ''that'' direction,&quot; the Cat said, waving its right paw round, &quot;lives a Hatter: and in ''that'' direction,&quot; waving the other paw, &quot;lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;But I don't want to go among mad people,&quot; Alice remarked. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Oh, you can't help that,&quot; said the Cat: &quot;we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.&quot; &lt;br&gt; &quot;How do you know I'm mad?&quot; said Alice. &lt;br&gt; &quot;You must be,&quot; said the Cat, &quot;or you wouldn't have come here.&quot;&lt;/p&gt; &lt;p&gt; ~ [[Lewis Carroll]] in ''[[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]]'' ~&lt;/p&gt;

== 2007 ==
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2007|November]] &lt;small&gt;(Sound files added to QOTD, no images)&lt;/small&gt;
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2007|December]]

== 2008 ==
{{col-begin}}
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2008|January]] &lt;small&gt;  (images as well as sound files begin to be used on 27 January) &lt;/small&gt; 
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2008|February]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2008|March]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2008|April]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2008|May]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2008|June]] &lt;small&gt;  (last sound file used on 17 June, images continue to be used) &lt;/small&gt; 
{{col-break}}
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2008|July]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2008|August]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2008|September]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2008|October]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2008|November]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2008|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2009 ==
{{col-begin}}
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2009|January]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2009|February]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2009|March]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2009|April]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2009|May]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2009|June]]
{{col-break}}
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2009|July]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2009|August]] &lt;small&gt; (2 images framing the QOTD begin to be used on 20 August) &lt;/small&gt; 
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2009|September]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2009|October]] &lt;small&gt; (multiple images to either side of QOTD used on either side of a long quote on 25 October) &lt;/small&gt; 
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2009|November]]
*[[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2009|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2010 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2010|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2010|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2010|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2010|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2010|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2010|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2010|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2010|August]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2010|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2010|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2010|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2010‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2011 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2011|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2011|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2011|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2011|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2011|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2011|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2011|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2011|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2011|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2011|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2011|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2011‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2012 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2012|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2012|February]] &lt;small&gt; (3 February — controversial accusations and assertions threatened further use of images on the main page; further use of images at least temporarily suspended by [[long term]] editor here, out of disgust and contempt at the opposition to free expression, the apparent malice and clear presumptuousness of acts of censorship, as well as the hostilities, apathy or indifference of others involved in this project.) &lt;/small&gt; 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2012|March]] &lt;small&gt;(first month since January 2008 to begin without images accompanying QOTD)&lt;/small&gt; 
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2012|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2012|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2012|June]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2012|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2012|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2012|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2012|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2012|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2012‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2013 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2013|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2013|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2013|March]] &lt;small&gt;(in this month, images begin to be used again with the quotes)&lt;/small&gt; 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2013|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2013|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2013|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2013|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2013|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2013|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2013|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2013|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2013‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2014 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2014|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2014|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2014|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2014|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2014|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2014|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2014|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2014|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2014|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2014|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2014|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2014‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2015 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2015|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2015|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2015|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2015|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2015|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2015|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2015|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2015|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2015|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2015|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2015|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2015‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2016 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2016|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2016|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2016|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2016|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2016|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2016|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2016|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2016|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2016|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2016|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2016|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2016‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2017 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2017|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2017|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2017|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2017|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2017|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2017|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2017|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2017|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2017|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2017|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2017|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2017‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2018 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2018|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2018|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2018|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2018|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2018|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2018|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2018|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2018|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2018|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2018|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2018|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2018‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2019 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2019|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2019|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2019|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2019|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2019|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2019|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2019|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2019|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2019|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2019|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2019|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2019‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2020 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2020|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2020|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2020|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2020|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2020|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2020|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2020|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2020|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2020|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2020|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2020|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2020‎|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2021 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2021|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2021|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2021|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2021|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2021|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2021|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2021|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2021|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2021|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2021|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2021|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2021|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2022 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2022|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2022|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2022|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2022|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2022|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2022|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2022|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2022|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2022|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2022|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2022|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2022|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2023 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2023|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2023|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2023|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2023|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2023|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2023|June]]
{{col-break}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2023|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2023|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2023|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2023|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2023|November]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2023|December]]
{{col-end}}

== 2024 ==
{{col-begin}}
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/January 2024|January]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/February 2024|February]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 2024|March]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/April 2024|April]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/May 2024|May]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/June 2024|June]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/July 2024|July]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2024|August]] 
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/September 2024|September]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 2024|October]]
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2024|November]]
&lt;!-- * [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/December 2024|December]] --&gt;
{{col-end}}

== Abandoned experiment in creating sound files ==
:&lt;small&gt; At the suggestions of several users, sound files began to be created for QOTDs on 1 November 2007. After a period of low interest and increasing indications of disapproval by a few, the experiment in creating sound files for QOTD was abandoned in June 2008.&lt;/small&gt; 

The first sound file, created for use on 1 November 2007:

:&lt;p&gt;''You cannot choose your battlefield, &lt;br&gt; God does that for you; &lt;br&gt; But you can plant a standard &lt;br&gt; Where a standard never flew.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;  ~ [[Nathalia Crane]] ~&lt;/p&gt;
[[Image:A standard.ogg]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

The first sound file actually used on the main page was for 3 November 2007: 
: Man's right to know, to learn, to inquire, to make bona fide errors, to investigate human emotions must, by all means, be safe, if the word ''FREEDOM'' should ever be more than an empty political slogan. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]
[[Image:Q 2007-11-03 Wilhelm Reich.ogg]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

The last sound file created for use with a QOTD was created and used on 17 June 2008:

{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
|-
| align=center | [[Image:Q 2008-06-17 Mohamed ElBaradei.ogg|55px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | Our security strategies have not yet caught up with the risks we are facing. The globalization that has swept away the barriers to the movement of goods, ideas and people has also swept with it barriers that confined and localized security threats. ~ [[Mohamed ElBaradei]]
| align=center | [[Image:Mohamed ElBaradei.jpg|77px|right|]]
|}


[[Category:Quote of the day]]
[[Category:Wikiquote]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>John Sweeney (journalist)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>81844</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606951</id>
      <parentid>3600481</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T12:39:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>62.89.140.34</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* 2007 */</comment>
      <origin>3606951</origin>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="41484" sha1="n69kasd7gejq7l29nhdlqyfnvkk7ubg" xml:space="preserve">[[File:JohnSweeney.jpg|thumb|John Sweeney in 2010]]

'''[[w:John Sweeney (journalist)|John Sweeney]]''' (born 7 June 1958) is a British [[w:investigative journalist|investigative journalist]] and [[w:author|author]] who has worked for ''[[w:The Observer|The Observer]]'' newspaper and for the [[w:BBC|BBC]]'s ''[[w:Panorama (TV series)|Panorama]]'' television series.

== Quotes ==
=== 2007 ===
*'''''NO, TOMMY, YOU STOP ''NOW!!!'' NO, LISTEN TO ME!!! YOU WERE NOT THERE-AT THE BEGINNING-OF-THAT-INTERVIEW!!! YOU-WERE-NOT-THERE!!! YOU DID NOT HEAR OR RECORD-ALL THE INTERVIEW!!!''' [calms down]'' Do you understand? ''Do you understand? [continues shouting] YOU ARE QUOTING THE SECOND HALF OF THE INTERVIEW, NOT THE ''FIRST'' HALF! YOU CANNOT ASSERT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! [calms down]'' Now, you listen to me.
**Sweeney losing his temper with [[w:Church of Scientology|Scientology]] spokesman [[w:Tommy Davis (Scientology)|Tommy Davis]]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxqR5NPhtLI Scientology: BBC reporter losing it!] ''YouTube'' (10 May 2007)

=== 2008 ===
*I look like an exploding tomato and shout like a jet engine and every time I see it, it makes me cringe.
** Sweeney  reflecting on his confrontation with Tommy Davis. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7348434.stm Top videos in a new style] ''BBC News'' (16 April 2008)

=== 2019 ===
*One of my political heroes is the former head of the IRA Martin McGuinness.
**[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-47335414 &quot;Tommy Robinson holds Salford protest against BBC ''Panorama''&quot;] ''BBC News'' (23 February 2019). The BBC said Sweeney's comment referred to McGuinness' role in the peace process.

===''The Life and Evil Times of Nicolae Ceausescu'' (1991)===
*This is a horror story – a true one – about a monster who came to be president of a country.
**p. 1
*To write anything about Ceausescu without discussing his secret police is like Hamlet without the Prince, everybody else and the skull.
**p. 13
*His tongue could not get round seemingly simple phrases like ''tutulor'', a form of address meaning 'to everybody'. When Ceausescu said it, it sounded like 'everyboggy'. It is hard to put across to those who have not heard Romanian, a language waggishly described by the BBC's John Simpson as a 'mixture of dog Latin and Esperanto', just how uncouth Ceausescu sounded. To American ears, one must imagine a New Jersey drawl; to British ears, one should think of a Wolverhampton whine: provincial, but not interestingly so.
**p. 14
*To understand the extraordinary fact of Ceausescu's monolithic power, and the otherwise incomprehensible lack of resistance to it, one must try to experience the sheer dead weight the Romanians bore day in, day out. During the twenty-four years of his reign, their thoughts were blunted and restricted by what George Orwell might have called 'Homagespeak'.
**p. 18
*For most of its history Romania has been divided, skewered and kebabed by a succession of foreign invaders and masters, some of whom were unspeakably nasty. Cruel as Ceausescu's time was, it was not without precedent in his country's history.
**p. 21
*It enjoyed the material and spiritual backing of the German Nazis and the Fascists under Mussolini, and combined Jew-baiting with apocalyptical orthodoxy, appeals to Romanian nationalism with a samurai's reverence for violent death and suicide.
**&quot;On the Iron Guard&quot;, p. 36
*Paranoia appears to be the occupational disease of any Romanian ruler, and Carol II was no exception. Like Ceausescu, he knocked down buildings near his home – in this case, the Royal Palace – to make a clear field for machine-gun fire.
**p. 37
*Virtually any description of life under the monarchy makes anyone who knows Ceausescu's Bucharest wince with regret for the good old days. Architecture, cuisine, culture, press freedom, prison conditions, freedom to travel, to go to church: all seem to have been better before the communists. Only the quantity of whores in Bucharest appears to have remained constant.
**p. 37
*Poor man: history will never forgive him for proposing Ceausescu as the new general secretary of the party on the death, in 1965, of Gheorghiu-Dej.
**&quot;On Ion Maurer&quot;, p. 76
*''Red Horizons'' is no better than Bucharest secret policeman's gossip: sordid, dully pornographic, intrusive, morally repugnant, incoherent yet endlessly fascinating. Ceausescu is seen as a power-mad, deeply dishonest paranoiac, as well as someone who cheats at chess. Elena comes of worse, if that is possible, as a sluttish, bad-tempered moron.
**p. 84
*Perhaps ''Red Horizons'' is a scissors-and-paste job by an unsung, CIA-approved ghostwriter. The raw material reads like translated of Pacepa's debriefing conversations held in Romanian with his CIA case officers immediately after he defected. Pacepa often quotes chunks of Ceausescu's old speeches, freely available from Romanian embassies and in Western libraries, as 'remembered convervations'; occasionally he even quotes the text of Romanian decrees as spouting out of Ceausescu's mouth.
**p. 85
*Ceausescu substituted constructive action with frenzy. He went on a continuous rollercoaster, whistle-stop tour of the country. Once on this whirligig of official visits, speeches and congresses, he never got off it. The whirligig became faster and faster and more elaborate, with visits to foreign countries and a constant shuffling of ministers and ministries. It makes anyone who tries to follow it dizzy. It consumed his and everybody else's time; it wasted resources and achieved little. But inside Ceausescu's head frenzy equalled progress: it was an intellectual confusion to which, as time rolled on, the whole country was to succumb.
**pp. 91-92
*The 'conditioning' of the communist terror of the late Forties and early Fifties was so strong, so severe that it only required the lightest caress from the Securitate to have the average Romanian lying prone in a position of abject submission. Whatever liberal sentiments Ceausescu expressed in his speeches, the secret policemen were still present, waiting, listening, asking questions. There was no need for Ceausescu to clump heavy-handedly about, threatening people. It had all been done so effectively a generation before and people had not forgotten. The people barked to command, because they knew what happened to the disobedient. Once the dog is trained, there is little need for the whip.
**p. 93
*The Ceausescu cult was fed by a job lot of Westerners keen to do business with the one Eastern European leader who could, it appeared, stand up to the Russians and survive. At first, there was a trickle, then a torrent of Western visitors all singing Ceausescu's tune, none of them too choosy about the reality of the man they met – the myth was too much to their liking.
**p. 95
*By common consent Ceausescu went mad during his and Elena's trip to China and North Korea in 1971. He went out an unstable paranoiac; he came back a madman. People close to him debate which had the more pernicious influence, China or North Korea. Terrible as Mao's China was as it emerged from the throes of the Cultural Revolution, North Korea was then and still is the more totalitarian society, and enjoys the distinction of being the most pyramidal society on earth.
**p. 98
*North Korea is an abomination to man as a freethinking individual.
**p. 98
*In Ceausescu's Romania madness was enthroned, sanity a disease.
**p. 105
*There was an enormous amount of dissent in Romania, but it was passive, not active. There were far fewer workers and intellectuals who confronted brute power head on in Romania than in, say, Czechoslovakia or Poland. That has partly to be explained by the savagery of the Securitate compared to, for example, the Czech secret police, the StB, and partly the Romanians' lack of a democratic transition and the historic culture of submission.
**p. 108
*What was the value to the West of Ceausescu's dissent from Moscow's diktat? Was it of inestimable worth? Or was it, in fact, a marginal propaganda gain of little real substance? Ceausescu was an irritant to the Russians, but they never felt threatened by him. They did march their troops up and down near the Romanian border when Ceausescu was visiting China in 1971; but they invaded Czechoslovakia when the Prague spring got out of hand. The difference is clear. Dubček challenged the communist system. Ceausescu never did. He was not, then, a serious 'enemy of my enemy'. The West misread the cards.
*p. 112
*The effect of Pacepa's defection on Ceausescu's mental state was to destabilise him even more. He became quite crazy for a time and suffered a further, permanent loss of proportion. What talent there remained in his circle was removed in the whitch-hunt that followed the defection.
**p. 123
*The results of Ceausescu's exercise in social engineering could be seen immediately after the revolution throughout the country in orphanages and hospital wards where the unwanted babies lay. The unwanted included the babies suffering from AIDS – though the regime did not recognise that Romania had an AIDS problem. This official blindness made the problem worse, disastrously so. An old medical habit – abandoned in the West long before the Second World War – had lingered in Romania. It was to inject newborn babies with blood to give them greater strength. One batch of blood contaminated with AIDS, probably in a rare aid package from the United States, was the root cause. The lack of fresh, clean needles for the injections led, through cross-infection, to an AIDS epidemic among the young. But as this too officially did not happen, nothing was done about it.
**p. 141
*No Marxist could take Ceausescu seriously after he was seen wandering around on state occasions carrying his sceptre in 1974, the one which so delighted Salvador Dali. The sceptre was the physical emodiment of Ceausescu's drift from the anti-statist, anti-personality bedrock of Marxist thought and practice. Of course, these principles had more often been breached than obeyed in the various communist states since the October revolution, but to play king so blatantly was thought somewhat indecent even among the unblushing despots of the Soviet empire. The 'Bourbonification' of the Ceausescu dynasty can be traced back to the early Seventies, but in the late Eighties it became more and more crass.
**p. 155
*[...] the very function of the House of the People was [...] to make concrete the social inequality between the dictator's lowly vassals and the pomp and might of His Majesty. The architect of the House had been selected by a competition. There were a lot of interesting and arresting designs, but, to put it rather brusquely, the architect who came up with the most banal, Stalinist pastiche appealed successfully to the Ceausescu's taste. The prizewinner, after the revolution, has disappeared from view because she has been battered by much hostile criticism.
**p. 168
*Andrei, easily the most intelligent and sophisticated of the long-lasting sycophants, could well have behaved decently – in return for what favours one can only guess. Perhaps he was genuinely a good man. Perhaps.
**On [[Ștefan Andrei]], p. 177

===''Killer in the Kremlin'' (2022)===
*Some idiot is moving heavy furniture around in the flat above and I wake up with a start. I'm about to give Lambeth Council a ring to get them to sort him out when I remember I am in Kyiv and it's four o'clock in the morning, and it's not tables and chairs that are going bang but Russian artillery.&lt;br&gt;The idiot is [[Vladimir Putin]] and his idiot war is two days old.
**p. 1

*I am a sixty-three-year-old war reporter. I have covered wars and madness in Rwanda, Burundi, apartheid South Africa, the Romanian revolution, former Yugoslavia, Iraq, Syria, Albania, Chechnya, Afghanistan and Zimbabwe. I have seen babies with hacked limbs and an old man with his eyes blown in by an artillery shell and people with their lungs sucked inside out and a man with his brain sliced with a machete – and there is nothing worse than watching kids smile in war, watching the aristocracy of the human soul. It makes me cry – and cry I do.
**p. 9

*Putin says that the government of Ukraine is neo-Nazi. The president is Jewish; the Russians attacked [[w:Battle of Kyiv (2022)|Babi Yar]]. For the avoidance of any doubt, it's not the Ukrainians who are behaving like the Nazis in this war.
**p. 10

*Russian soldiers eat the best possible nutritious rations of any military, so long as it's dog food.
**p. 11

*Paranoia is destroying the Russian Army from within. Vladimir Putin is a prisoner in his own high castle, just like [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]. His terror of revealing his hand too early, and it being leaked to the Americans, was so great that he kept back his true invasion plans for and from the army until the day before the invasion. So the Russian general staff have had to make up the war as they go along – and the result has been disastrous. Generals have been appointed on the basis of their fealty to the Kremlin, not their courage, not their competence.
**pp. 12-13

*Paranoia is what ex-[[w:KGB|KGB]] spies do instead of playing golf.
**p. 13

*Putin is a rational actor inside a bunker, so deep, so deprived of light and information, that he is pulling levers without understanding how the modern world is responding, without understanding that some of his levers at least are no longer working, without understanding that invading countries at peace is what the Nazis did.
**p. 22

*When the Kremlin decided that it was foolish to keep sending yet more of its boys to die here, the Russian Army hit reverse gear. And as they did so, they expressed their dismay at their wretched performance against proper soldiers by butchering innocent civilians in the hundreds. By the way, satellite imagery taken during the Russian occupation shows bodies on the streets before the Ukrainians recaptured Bucha. The Russian Army carried out these killings. Full stop.
**p. 23

*The evidence at Nuremberg Two of Russian war crimes will be overwhelming. Satellite images, drone footage, eye-witness accounts, [[w:Bellingcat|Bellingcat]] open-source material. A cyclist on a green bike in Bucha. His execution in early March by a Russian Army tank as he turns a corner, filmed by a drone. His body next to the wrecked bike filmed by reporters when the Ukrainian Army returned to the city. Once again: Kremlin inhumanity on repeat.
**p. 28

*The [[Soviet Union]] could not afford to feed or house or care for its people, so it started to implode. Putin, the secret policeman in Dresden, never properly grasped the power of these three failures [the [[w:Soviet–Afghan War|invasion of Afghanistan]], the [[w:Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl disaster]], and the collapse of the [[w:Administrative-command system|command economy]]]. His tragedy – our tragedy – was that he had no first-hand knowledge of the three catastrophes. He was too high up in the secret police food chain to be sent to Chernobyl; too pathetically low to be sent to the fag-end of the failing war in Afghanistan; let alone to the fleshpots of the West where he would have seen the stark evidence of how ordinary people in New Jersey or New Brighton in the Wirral lived so much better than in Moscow, let alone Omsk or Tomsk. He never saw the comparative evidence of [[w:Economy of the Soviet Union|Soviet economic failure]] with his own eyes or, if he did, he was too brainwashed to understand what he was looking at.&lt;br&gt;Instead, from the bowels of Stasiland, he came to internalize a dark nonsense, that his country's collapse was due to Western trickery and domestic betrayal, rather than the simple facts that the Soviet Union had run out of cash and self-belief and purpose. It was a failed state, just like the Kaiser's Germany became a failed state after it launched its own stupid war in 1914. Like Hitler in 1923, Putin from 1991 onwards breathed a poisonous fiction, that his country had been wronged, that it 'had been stabbed in the back'. In truth, it fell apart because it had been wrong, it had stabbed itself in the front, three times over.
**p. 43

*Putin's understanding of the world is maddeningly narrow, reduced to a gloomy tunnel vision, locked into a false narrative of betrayal. He once declared the fall of the Soviet Union 'the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the twentieth century'.&lt;br&gt;What?&lt;br&gt;Worse than the [[World War I|First]] and [[World War II|Second World Wars]]? Worse than [[the Holocaust]]? The Soviet Union was, in reality, a dark totalitarian dictatorship under Stalin that slowly morphed into a gloomy senility.
**pp. 43-44

*The Chechens had humiliated the might of Russia in the [[w:First Chechen War|First Chechen War]] (1994–6), which [[Boris Yeltsin|[Boris] Yeltsin]] had started in a drunken rage. The Russian Army had fought the war with great brutality and greater incompetence. The Chechens fought them to a kind of stalemate, partly because Yeltsin, when he had sobered up, realized that he had been stupid and cruel.
**p. 60

*One Chechen view was: 'If we had wanted to bomb Moscow, we would have blown up the Kremlin or a nuclear power station. Why should we blow up a couple of blocks of flats?'
**p. 61

*Common sense says it would be madness for a group of Chechens to smuggle explosives all the way from [[w:Urus-Martan|Urus-Martan]] to Moscow. Since the First Chechen War, Chechens are routinely singled out for harassment by Russian police, vehicles are stopped and searched, identity papers demanded. Besides, there has long been a strong Chechen mafia in Moscow, very capable of getting its hands on arms or explosives in the city. In Russia, in the 1990s, you could bribe your way into a nuclear rocket silo. The 'Chechen terrorists' would have been risking a great deal by hauling their explosives roughly 1,000 miles to Moscow when they could have bought them at the back of a local flea market.
**pp. 61-62

*The evidence is compelling that the very thing which galvanized Vladimir Putin's career in Russian politics – his fightback against Chechen bomb outrages – was, in fact, a black operation by the secret police.&lt;br&gt;That Vladimir Putin blew up Russia.
**p. 67

*September 1999 is the time, the way I see it, when Russia ceases to be a democracy. The [[w:1999 Russian apartment bombings|Moscow apartment bombings]] were Vladimir Putin's original sin, and any Russian who dared to investigate them lived in mortal danger.
**p. 68

*It is hard, virtually impossible, to convey just how cruel the [[w:Second Chechen War|Second Chechen War]] was, how pitiless the master of the Kremlin's killing machine. The hardest thing for me, as a reporter, as a human being, to bear was to witness the colossal mistake made by the West's leaders who cuddled up to Vladimir Putin while the evidence of his war crimes in Chechnya, and the crimes against humanity committed when the [[w:Federal Security Service|FSB]] blew up Moscow apartment buildings, was overwhelming.
**p. 69

*If [[w:Alexander Litvinenko|Litvinenko]], [[w:Yuri Felshtinsky|Felshtinsky]], [[w:David Satter|Satter]] and I could discover the truth about the Moscow apartment bombings, so could the [[Central Intelligence Agency|CIA]] and [[w:MI6|MI6]]. What happened instead was a sick-think by the Western foreign-policy establishment. They wanted to believe that Putin was a democrat, a friend of the West, someone with whom they could do business. They set out to bury the evidence to the contrary.
**p. 71

*Bombing a white-flag convoy is a war crime. So is using vacuum bombs against civilians. So is torture on an industrial scale. I saw damning evidence of all three in Putin's war on Chechnya and I came away struggling to understand how the West could let these Russian crimes against humanity go unchecked. The evidence that Vladimir Putin was a war criminal in 2000 was clear. All I can say is this: I bloody well told you so.
**pp. 80-81

*Everything about the loss of the ''[[w:Kursk submarine disaster|Kursk]]'' in 2000 prefigures the [[w:Russian invasion of Ukraine|2022 invasion of Ukraine]]: the Kremlin's lack of interest in its own people; their shoddy and obsolete kit; the contempt for proper scrutiny; the silencing of honest criticism. The lesson Putin learnt from the sinking of the ''Kursk'' was entirely fascistic. He had suffered a lot of heat from Russia's free and independent media for his slow and heartless response. The solution was to switch it off.
**p. 88

*The deal between the Russian state and the oligarchs was pretty clear: keep your nosy beaks out of politics, out of power, and enjoy your money. But if you ask the wrong kind of questions, things will not go well for you. It was a recipe for the zombification of Russia.
**p. 89

*Once again, the only credible explanation for the [[w:Beslan school siege|siege of Beslan]] is that the Russian secret state orchestrated an attack by terrorists and then used maximum force to destroy the evidence of its complicity. So not one black operation by the machinery of fear, but three: the Moscow apartment bombings of 1999; the [[w:Moscow theater hostage crisis|Moscow theatre siege of 2002]]; the Beslan massacre of 2004. The goal was to create a state of terror; the victims the ordinary people of Russia in their hundreds; the only true beneficiary the master of the Kremlin.
**p. 100

*Putin said that [[Anna Politkovskaya|Anna]] was a woman whose influence was 'extremely insignificant'. The truth was that she was extremely significant, very dangerous to his hold on power. No one else was asking the questions she was.&lt;br&gt;And then her voice was silenced.
**p. 102

*In Russia, Putin's enemies are not allowed to have a private life. We know all about what they do in the bedroom. But no one knows simple facts about Vladimir Putin. How many kids has he got? With whom? And are they by any chance extraordinarily rich?
**p. 127

*Putin shapes his public image to the nth degree. Never mind the fake sun shining from behind North Korea's fatty-fat despot, [[Kim Jong-un]], or the Hollywood stars worshipping the leader of the [[w:Church of Scientology|Church of Scientology]], Vladimir Putin's cult of personality is the richest, the most well-funded in the whole world. [...] To me, it looks as though this is a man who had an unexceptionally unhappy and unloved childhood, who fears mockery and being laughed at, who wants to show to the world that he is the master of all he surveys, but comes across as a small boy, out for revenge. But then I'm not the target audience.
**p. 129

*He wanted Ukraine like he had wanted all the other things that rightfully did not belong to him. Time and again, he had probed the West's steel and found jelly. But this time, Ukraine, its president, its people and its army had other ideas. This time Mr [[w:Pleonexia|Pleonexia]] found people who said, 'No, that's not yours. It's ours. Give it back'. No wonder he seems so surprised that Ukraine played hardball. That was not supposed to happen.
**p. 145

*The received story of Putin's two decades plus in power was of his tolerance of a monstrously corrupt system. The trade-off with the oligarchs was they were allowed to keep much of their fortunes so long as they paid the master of the Kremlin homage and tithes. And they had to keep their snouts out of power. Or else. But that description masks what's really going on. Putin is stealing Russia's wealth, big time, personally, but he cannot be seen to be doing so – psychologically, he hates the idea of being caught out – so he employs proxies to do the stealing for him. True, the oligarchs emerged from the road-crash of the Soviet Union's implosion and Boris Yeltsin's alcoholic incompetence. But with Yeltsin out of the way, a new president had an opportunity to strip the oligarchs of their ill-gotten and obscene wealth and start afresh. Instead, Putin cemented the oligarch system because it best suited his secret urge to take things that rightfully belonged to others.
**pp. 146-147

*I asked him what he thought was the single biggest terrorist attack against his country and he replied, thankfully, there hasn't been one. Then I mentioned [[w:Malaysia Airlines Flight 17|MH17]], where 193 Dutch citizens died. It wasn't Islamist extremists who killed those people. He didn't like that but then he is, as I told him to his face, a bit of a fascist.
**On [[Geert Wilders]], pp. 154-155

*In the flesh Vladimir Putin is nattily-dressed, very short and a dead ringer for an [[w:Auton|Auton]], the ultra-creepy monsters in ''[[Doctor Who]]'' that morph into wheelie-bins and gobble you up and spit you out as plastic. His cosmetic surgery is not a great advert for [[w:Botulinum toxin#Cosmetic uses|Botox]] but if you get to be the master of the Kremlin no one's going to tell you your skin-job sucks.
**p. 162

*We don't know the whole story, and probably never will. But we do know that Vladimir Putin exhibits multiple signs of being a psychopath: smooth lying with no tics; fearless dominance; blame externalization; unexplained easy life.
**p. 167

*[[Boris Nemtsov|[Boris] Nemtsov]] was an extraordinary man, the sweetest, funniest and most human Russian I've ever met. His brutal snuffing out caused me to sink into a profound depression.
**pp. 172-173

*He was shot in the back of the back several times one hundred metres or so from the walls of the Kremlin, one of the most closely [[w:Closed-circuit television|CCTV]]-filmed areas on earth. The official narrative was that a bin lorry obscured the Kremlin's cameras from capturing the killer or killers. Attentive readers will have already got it, but for the avoidance of any doubt the official narrative is a load of old hogwash. In my four decades-plus of reporting, I have never been detained by police officers more often than outside the Kremlin. You cannot move five yards without a cop demanding to see your passport. The idea that Nemtsov was assassinated but that none of the Kremlin's cameras captured critical evidence is absurd.
**pp. 174-175

*I say it to my Ukrainian friends again and again: there is another Russia. The problem is that the alternatives to Vladimir Putin are either dead or not very alive.
**p. 175

*What remains extraordinary about the [[w:Poisoning of Sergei and Yulia Skripal|Salisbury poisonings]] is the seeming stupidity of it. How so? [[w:Novichok|Novichok]] is, like [[w:Polonium-210|polonium-210]], a very expensive poison. The two murderers were sent to Salisbury with their poison bottle but with no regard to the simple fact of modern British life, that the country is littered with six million CCTV cameras, more units per person than any other country apart from China. Whoever sent the GRU officers is a fool. Reflecting on this anomaly – multi-million-dollar secret poison delivered on candid camera – makes me draw a harsh and, perhaps, novel conclusion about the Russian secret state in the twenty-first century. [...] The ideological power of Communism's appeal [...] is long dead; so, too, is its darkest enemy, Hitler; so, too, is the state that created the KGB. In its place you have the Russian Federation, an ethno-nationalist kleptocracy run by a pleonexiac with too long a table. The West should not be surprised that the quality of the servants of the Russian secret state in the twenty-first century is, frankly, a bit rubbish.
**pp. 200-201
** Polonium-210 was used in the fatal [[w:Poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko|poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko]] in November 2006

*It is fair to say that the Russian secret state succeeded in getting worryingly close to serious political leaders in the United States, Britain, Germany, France and Italy. Time and again the Kremlin turned Western democracy into a game of matryoshka dolls. Lift out the [[Donald Trump]] or [[Nigel Farage]] or [[Jeremy Corbyn]] or [[Matteo Salvini]] or [[Marine Le Pen]] dolls, and you come face to face with Vladimir Putin – smirking at you.
**p. 231

*As American and British politicians slowly began to see Putin for who he really was, Corbyn decided to echo, albeit in a faltering and weak voice, some of the Kremlin's messaging. This was because he was navigating simply by holding himself in constant opposition to American power. By doing so, he made himself yet another of the Kremlin's useful idiots. [[George Osborne]] and [[Peter Mandelson]] cosied up to Kremlin proxies for their own self-interest; Corbyn lost his bearings because his political ideology was so strong it twisted reality.
**p. 239

*The break-up of the [[European Union]] is a Kremlin goal and [[Brexit]] was a great Kremlin success.
**p. 244

*Nearly all my Ukrainian friends, whom I adore, believe there is something preternaturally wrong with Russia and the Russian soul, that Putin is just one monster among many from the swamp to the East. With love and with respect, I don't agree with them. This is Vladimir Putin's war. Like his wars in Chechnya, Georgia and Syria. Like his war without tanks and bombs against the West. Like his poisonings. It's down to him.
**pp. 258-259

*The Putin I had challenged in 2014 was a different man, subtle, supple, willing to engage with a difficult BBC reporter, albeit only to lie so calmly. The Putin of 2022 was hyper-aggressive. But the reason I felt fear was something else. The Putin I had met in 2014 looked like a ferret or a reptile, thin-faced, lean. The 2022 Putin looks like a hamster, his cheeks stuffed, unhealthy. He looks like a man on steroids and that made me full of fear.
**p. 260

*Squealer in ''[[Animal Farm]]'' but without the charm.
**On [[Vladimir Solovyov]], p. 268

*God knows how many civilians have been massacred by the Russian Army in the port city by the Black Sea. There are stories of mobile crematoria vans turning corpses into ash; there are satellite photos of more and yet more mass graves. The chances that the people of Ukraine would agree to a negotiated peace, leaving some of their country permanently under Russian control, is zero or so close to zero as not worth bothering about. Zelenskiy isn't going to try. The war is not going Russia's way, once again, because the morale of the Russian Army is poor; their logistics are rotten from the head down; their leaders are bad in both senses of the word; bad evil and bad incompetent.
**On Mariupol, p. 273

*Russia does not tolerate failure for long. My sense is that Vladimir Putin no longer properly controls the machinery of the Kremlin in the way that he did at the start of 2022. And that the Kremlin machines no longer obey their master as before. He's beginning to look like the Wizard of Oz. All we are waiting for is the little dog to pull aside the curtain, and the shrunken faker bellowing into a loudhailer will be revealed to all.
**p. 275

*That Putin ends up poisoning himself is an ending fit for [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]].&lt;br&gt;Fortune, turn thy wheel.
**p. 276

===''Murder in the Gulag'' (2024)===
*It's hard to check facts in Russia because if you do it properly you end up dead. If you doubt my word, you will get a lick with the rough end of my tongue. [[Anna Politkovskaya]], [[w:Natalya Estemirova|Natalia Esterimova]], [[Boris Nemtsov]] and [[Alexei Navalny|[Alexei] Navalny]] all challenged the Kremlin's magical untruths to me in person. Now, they are no more: in sequence, poisoned, then shot; shot; shot; poisoned, twice, then murdered, precise method as yet unknown.
**pp. 1-2

*Nothing official in Russia is true; or stays true for long. The poisoning of the well of information in the Western world through bots and counter-facts and internet rumours, dark fairy stories boosted on social media sites, is no accident but one of the most successful exports of the dark Russian state. Everything Putin does in the West, he's tried out back home before.
**p. 3

*Navalny's death brought forth tributes from around the world, but, more to the point, hundreds of people were arrested in Russia for daring to mark the passing of their hero. One noted exception to this outpouring of grief was Vladimir Putin. The day the news broke, he was hanging out in Chelyabinsk, in the Urals. Ordinarily a miserable git when he takes part in official ceremonies, Putin, parked a safe distance from any potentially infectious mortals, was full of fun, laughing, teasing and high as a kite. And why not? He'd just had the leader of the opposition murdered.
**p. 4

*It is extremely hard to come to a settled judgement on the weight of Russian opinion polls. My take is that if you say what you really think in twenty-first-century Russia, you are likely to jump out of a window very soon afterwards.
**p. 7

*[[Tucker Carlson]] was at one time the most watched cable news presenter in the States until he was sacked from [[Fox News]]. [...] On 9 February, Carlson, now freelance, interviewed Vladimir Putin in Moscow. What you got was a sometimes surreal but most often extremely boring encounter in which the Russian president lectured the far-right American television personality on abstruse bits of Russian history that set out his junk case that Ukraine belonged to Russia. Putin talked rubbish but Carlson let him get away with it. [...] The interview lasted two hours but Carlson failed to mention the fate of Russia's most famous political prisoner once. Is it possible that Putin banked Carlson's lack of interest in Navalny and steeled him to have him murdered a week later? I believe it is. [...] I struggle with this. I struggle with how someone as fluent as Carlson could be so wittingly ignorant of the succession of people critical of Putin who have ended up dead. I struggle with knowing the torture Navalny suffered in the Russian gulag, that his lawyer was so shocked on seeing her client's face gone grey, but that Carlson, given a two-hour slot with the man responsible for the killings of so many, with the man ultimately responsible for creating Navalny's airless isolation cell, could not be bothered to mention his name.&lt;br&gt;It is as if Tucker Carlson is Moscow's creature.
**pp. 10-12

*For me, Navalny was killed in large part because of the West's appeasement of Putin that, even today, despite all the killings of innocent men, women and children in Ukraine, our leaders are afraid to stand up to the monster in the Kremlin, to properly enforce sanctions, to effectively arm Ukraine, to cut Russia off from the international financing system. The West is doing none of the above and is in danger of not just betraying Ukraine but its own security.
**p. 17

*What was supposed to be a safety test at the number four reactor at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in April 1986 was the sickest of jokes. The RMBK reactor was the Soviet solution to big oil prices. But it had a series of horrible design flaws. It couldn't tell its operators what was really happening in its guts. Operators could turn a valve by moving a helm-sized wheel and not know whether this would make things more or less dangerous. And the designers' safety test could could lead to a disastrous chain reaction which boiled the nuclear kettles. That had happened eleven years before in 1975 in Soviet Leningrad, now St Petersburg, when Putin was just starting his career inside the KGB in his home city. The secretive Soviet state covered up the huge leak of radiation. The exposed population were not told of the danger. The accident was not reported in the media. The Ministry of Medium Machine Building blamed the accident on poor construction, not terrible design. The commission investigating the incident made several recommendations. None were implemented. No one complained because no one knew. Welcome to the Soviet Union.
**pp. 19-20

*Chernobyl scarred Navalny like Voldemort scarred Harry Potter, the scar so deep he could never root it out. From the age of ten, Navalny saw how a state that lied to its people was a thing of evil, that, in politics, in power, you must tell the truth to people. After seeing what moronic, lying power did to his childhood idyll, he spent the rest of his life not lying to people.
**p. 23

*The fall of the Soviet Union delivered real change. The old nonesense of Communism did start to die, but far more slowly than appreciated back then. Ordinary Russians for the first time in their lives could read honest newspapers, watch good telly, go abroad, buy fancy foreign cars, own their own homes. The ''idea'' of a free market was embraced, but a system without the functioning machinery of the rule of law was bound to struggle. The rhetoric of a free market masked the reality of a bloody anarchy where the people who came out on top were the most cunning, the most pitiless and the greediest. Russia turned into an oligarchy, the country's resources carved up and seized by a few rich men, but an oligarchy with democratic lipstick. [...] The problem was that political power was in the wrong hands. As the nineties wore on, Boris Yeltsin morphed from being an inspirational and courageous leader, willing to stand up on a tank to defend Russia's infant democracy, into a senile alcoholic, guarded by some of his hopelessly corrupt family. The president of Russia needed to be fighting like a tiger to stand up for the rule of law, to defend democratic principles, to strengthen Russia's fragile open society. Instead, he took the pith.
**pp. 32-33

*Zhirinovsky was a fool's bladder on a fascist stick, using his cruel wit to malign opponents of Vladimir Putin, further the Kremlin's far-right agenda and consign his immortal soul to darkness. I met him once and reader, do not be surprised, we ended up shouting at each other.
**p. 37

*When the Soviet Union collapsed, Yavlinsky set out sober, sensible reforms which would lead to a properly policed free market. His ideas were passed over in favour of a plan roughly summarised as 'Let's Make the Oligarchs Get Rich Quick' which led to massive wealth inequality.
**p. 38

*What the fuck was Navalny doing?&lt;br&gt;The evidence points to the videos being made when Navalny's fury at the ineffectiveness of the liberals to land a punch on Putin was at its most extreme and irrational and that he later regretted them but, Navalny being Navalny, he couldn't bring himself to take them down. Over the next three years he pursued his grand strategy of trying to get the nationalist right to wake up to the threat from Putin's fascism. When he realised that strategy wasn't working it was, for him, too late, and a tad embarassing, to delete the videos, so they stayed up. He didn't get it, that the liberal world hates this kind of stuff and the stink of it followed him down the years even though he had turned himself into something quite different. [...] When one avenue of fire failed, he would pursue another, and then another. The goal was to defeat Putin; he didn't realise that with the NAROD videos he ended up defeating himself.
**pp. 49-50

*So was he a bit of a fascist? Yes, for a time. But I suspect that his spell in America changed him. At Yale, he could have hung out with all sorts, including white conservative neo-fascists in one of their yucky alpha beta frat houses. Instead, his gang were an African called Lumumba, a Nicaraguan and a black guy from Brizzle. His three months at Yale would have opened his eyes to the land of liberty, its absurdities, its crassness, its cult of money, but also to the fact that power is, more or less, democratic, that the authorities, more or less, respect the rule of law, that liberal democracy, more or less, works, that an open society open to all talents is so much brighter than the dark Soviet basement he had been born into and the place Vladimir Putin wanted Russia to return to.&lt;br&gt;After Yale, the fascist in Navalny slunk off into a dark corner.
**pp. 58-59

*With the benefit of hindsight, the two outstanding qualities of Medvedev for Putin's benison are that he is the shorter man and that he would never dream of saying boo to the boss. [...] For a time, Medvedev steered or appeared to steer a path to a different future. That was a charade. In fact, he owed fealty to Putin. What you got was liberal lipstick but fascist substance. For far too long, the West went along with Medvedev's schtick as a reformer with an interest in new tech, blah blah, blah blah. 
**pp. 62-63

*An election where one of the candidates has total control over who the other candidates are is not an election but a coronation. With Yavlinsky out of the way and Navalny not well known enough to run, Putin's hand-picked opponents were Gennady Zyuganov, an elderly Commie, trusted to rock the boat of his geriatric supporters and that alone, Mikhail Prokhorov, a giraffe-like oligarch, Vladimir Zhirinovksy, the fool's bladder on a fascist stick, and Sergey Mironov, a nonentity with the flavour of the actor who gets killed in the first five minutes of a movie.
**p. 75

*How Putin must have hated him. Navalny was the tsar of charisma, courage and connecting with people; Putin the tsar of the knout, the cosh and the hypodermic syringe.
**pp. 75-76

=== Miscellaneous ===
*All concerned deny any wrongdoing.
**A quote used by Sweeney in many of his investigations.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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  <page>
    <title>Alfred Jules Ayer</title>
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      <text bytes="17670" sha1="3e7s01gi59bxsboq50bn9fv5r1iqoej" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alfred Jules Ayer.png|thumb|No [[moral]] [[system]] can rest solely on [[authority]].]]
[[File:Caspar David Friedrich - Wanderer above the sea of fog.jpg|thumb|It seems that I have spent my entire [[time]] trying to make [[life]] more [[rational]] and that it was all wasted [[effort]].]]
'''[[w:Alfred Ayer|Sir Alfred Jules Ayer]]''' ([[29 October]] [[1910]] – [[27 June]] [[1989]]), more often referred to as '''A. J. Ayer''' or '''Freddie Ayer''', was a British [[humanist]] philosopher, who was one of the leading proponents of [[logical positivism]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Water-2D-dot-cross.png|thumb|There never comes a point where a [[theory]] can be said to be [[true]]. The most that one can claim for any theory is that it has shared the [[successes]] of all its rivals and that it has passed at least one test which they have [[failed]].]]
[[File:Low Sun at Palace Pier, Brighton - geograph.org.uk - 1582611.jpg|thumb|I suddenly stopped and looked out at the [[sea]] and thought, my [[God]], how [[beautiful]] this is … for 26 years I had never really looked at it before.]]

* '''There is [[philosophy]], which is about conceptual analysis — about the [[meaning]] of what we say — and there is all of ''this'' … [[all]] of [[life]].'''
** Emphasizing his views on philosophy as something abstract and separate from normal life to [[Isaiah Berlin]], in the early 1930s, as quoted in ''A.J. Ayer: A Life'' (1999) by Ben Rogers, p. 2.

* '''I am using the [[word]] &quot;[[perceive]]&quot;. I am using it here in such a way that to say of an object that it is perceived does not entail saying that it exists in any sense at all. And this is a perfectly correct and familiar usage of the word.''' If there is thought to be a difficulty here, it is perhaps because there is also a correct and familiar usage of the word &quot;perceive&quot;, in which to say of an object that it is perceived does carry the implication that it exists.
** ''The Foundations of Empirical Knowledge'' (1940). &lt;!-- also quoted in ''Sense and Sensibilia'' (1962), edited by  J. L. Austin, p. 85 Oxford University Press --&gt;

* '''No [[moral]] [[system]] can rest solely on [[authority]].'''
** ''Humanist Outlook'' (1968), p. 4. &lt;!-- London: Pemberton; Barrie &amp; Rockliff --&gt;

* I see philosophy as a fairly abstract activity, as concerned mainly with the analysis of criticism and concepts, and of course most usefully of scientific concepts.
** As quoted in ''Profile of Sir Alfred Ayer'' (June 1971) by Euro-Television, quoted in ''A.J. Ayer: A Life'' (1999), p. 2.

* '''There never comes a point where a [[theory]] can be said to be [[true]]. The most that one can claim for any theory is that it has shared the successes of all its rivals and that it has passed at least one test which they have failed.'''
** ''Philosophy in the Twentieth Century'' (1982) p. 133. &lt;!-- London: Unwin, [1982] 1984 edition --&gt;

* '''It seems that I have spent my entire [[time]] trying to make [[life]] more [[rational]] and that it was all wasted effort.'''
** As quoted in ''The Observer'' (17 August 1986).

* '''I saw a [[Divine]] [[Entity|Being]]. I'm afraid I'm going to have to revise all my various [[books]] and [[opinions]].'''
** A statement he made soon after recovering from his [[w:near-death experience|near-death experience]], as reported by Dr. Jeremy George, in [http://gonsalves.org/favorite/atheist.htm &quot;Did atheist philosopher see God when he 'died'?&quot; by William Cash, in ''National Post'' (3 March 2001)].

* '''I suddenly stopped and looked out at the [[sea]] and thought, my [[God]], how [[beautiful]] this is … for 26 years I had never really looked at it before.'''
** On his greater appreciation of the scenery of the world, after his near-death experience, as quoted in &quot;Did atheist philosopher see God when he 'died'?&quot; by William Cash, in ''National Post'' (3 March 2001).

=== ''[[w:Language, Truth, and Logic|Language, Truth, and Logic]]'' (1936) ===
[[File:Universum.jpg|thumb|The criterion which we use to [[test]] the genuineness of apparent statements of [[fact]] is the criterion of verifiability.]]
[[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|&quot;I exist&quot; does not follow from &quot;there is a [[thought]] [[now]].&quot;]]
[[File:Triquetra-Interlaced-Triangle-Circle.svg|thumb|The [[truths]] of [[logic]] and [[mathematics]] are analytic propositions or tautologies.]]

* '''The traditional disputes of philosophers are, for the most part, as unwarranted as they are unfruitful.''' The surest way to end them is to establish beyond question what should be the purpose and method of a philosophical enquiry. And this is by no means so difficult a task as the [[history of philosophy]] would lead one to suppose. For if there are any questions which science leaves it to philosophy to answer, a straightforward process of elimination must lead to their discovery.
** Ch. 1, first lines.

* '''The criterion which we use to test the genuineness of apparent statements of fact is the criterion of verifiability.''' We say that a sentence is factually significant to any given person, if, and only if, he knows how to verify the proposition which it purports to express — that is, if he knows what observations would lead him, under certain conditions, to accept the proposition as being true, or reject it as being false.
** p. 16.

* To make our position clearer, we may formulate it in another way. '''Let us call a proposition which records an actual or possible observation an experiential proposition. Then we may say that it is the mark of a genuine factual proposition, not that it should be equivalent to an experiential proposition, or any finite number of experiential propositions, but simply that some experiential propositions can be deduced from it in conjunction with certain other premises without being deducible from those other premises alone.'''
** p. 20.

* '''&quot;I exist&quot; does not follow from &quot;there is a thought now.&quot;''' The fact that a thought occurs at a given moment does not entail that any other thought has occurred at any other moment, still less that there has occurred a series of thoughts sufficient to constitute a single self. As [[David Hume|Hume]] conclusively showed, no one event intrinsically points to any other. We infer the existence of events which we are not actually observing, with the help of general principle. But these principles must be obtained inductively. By mere deduction from what is immediately given we cannot advance a single step beyond. And, consequently, any attempt to base a deductive system on propositions which describe what is immediately given is bound to be a failure.
** p. 47.

* '''The problem of induction is, roughly speaking, the problem of finding a way to prove that certain empirical generalizations which are derived from past experience will hold good also in the future.''' There are only two ways of approaching this problem on the assumption that it is a genuine problem, and it is easy to see that neither of them can lead to its solution.
** p. 49.

* '''The principles of logic and mathematics are true simply because we never allow them to be anything else.''' And the reason for this is that we cannot abandon them without contradicting ourselves, without sinning against the rules which govern the use of language, and so making our utterances self-stultifying. In other words, '''the truths of logic and mathematics are analytic propositions or tautologies.'''
** p. 77.

* If now I…say &quot;Stealing money is wrong,&quot; I produce a sentence which has no factual meaning — that is, expresses no proposition which can be either true or false. It is as if I had written &quot;Stealing money!!&quot; — where the shape and thickness of the exclamation marks show, by a suitable convention, that a special sort of moral disapproval is the feeling which is being expressed.
** p. 107.

=== ''The Meaning of Life and Other Essays'' (1990) ===
[[File:Jean-Baptiste Regnault - La Liberté ou la Mort.JPG|thumb|The ground for taking [[ignorance]] to be restrictive of [[freedom]] is that it causes [[people]] to make [[choices]] which they would not have made if they had seen what the realization of their choices involved.]]

* '''To say that authority, whether secular or religious, supplies no ground for morality is not to deny the obvious fact that it supplies a sanction.'''
** &quot;The Meaning of Life&quot;.

* '''While moral rules may be propounded by authority the fact that these were so propounded would not validate them.'''
** &quot;The Meaning of Life&quot;.

* '''The ground for taking ignorance to be restrictive of freedom is that it causes people to make choices which they would not have made if they had seen what the realization of their choices involved.'''
** &quot;The Concept of Freedom&quot;.

== Quotes about Ayer ==
[[File:Der Weg ins Jenseits.jpg|thumb|What I should have said is that my [[experiences]] have weakened, not my [[belief]] that there is no [[life]] after [[death]], but my inflexible [[attitude]] towards that belief.]]
[[File:Electricsheep-0-6000.jpg|thumb|Freddie became so much  [[w:near-death experience|nicer after he died]]. He was not nearly so boastful. He took an interest in other [[people]]. ~ [http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/2003/jul/23/guardianobituaries.books Dee Wells] ]]
[[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb| Above all else, Ayer [[hoped]], [[men]] and [[women]] would realise that this [[life]] was the only life they have, and would thus become more appreciative of what it had to offer. ~ Ben Rogers]]
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;

* Ayer’s central mistake was to think that his principle could distinguish between the meaningful and meaningless. This error has two parts. First, a better distinction would be between the objective and subjective. … The second part of the mistake is to make the distinction binary where it should be spectral. … Ayer found himself caught in a classic philosophical predicament. If an idea is too vague it will be dismissed as woolly and hand-waving. Too precise, however, and the logic-choppers will be out to unpick its contradictions and inconsistencies. As Aristotle’s immortal adage states, ‘It is the mark of the trained mind never to expect more precision in the treatment of any subject than the nature of that subject permits’ – nor less, we might add. The Goldilocks state of philosophy is to be precise enough to be saying something substantive but not so precise as to ride roughshod over the complexities and ambiguities of the real world.
** [[w:Julian Baggini|Julian Baggini]], ''The Edge of Reason: A Rational Skeptic in an Irrational World'' (2016), Chap. 6 : Guided by Reason

* [[Friends]] were anxious to learn if I had had a [[w:near-death experience|near-death experience]], and if so, what effect it had had on my longstanding public [[atheism]]. Had I had an [[epiphany (feeling)|epiphany]]? '''Was I going to follow in the footsteps of Ayer (who recovered his aplomb and insisted a few days later &quot;what I should have said is that my [[experiences]] have weakened, not my [[belief]] that there is no [[life]] after [[death]], but my inflexible [[attitude]] towards that belief&quot;)''', or was my atheism still intact and unchanged? &lt;br /&gt; Yes, I did have an epiphany. I saw with greater clarity than ever before in my life that when I say &quot;Thank goodness!&quot; this is not merely a euphemism for &quot;Thank God!&quot; (We atheists don't believe that there is any God to thank.) I really do mean thank goodness! There is a lot of goodness in this world, and more goodness every day, and this fantastic human-made fabric of excellence is genuinely responsible for the fact that I am alive today. It is a worthy recipient of the gratitude I feel today, and I want to celebrate that fact here and now.
** [[Daniel Dennett]], in [http://edge.org/conversation/thank-goodness &quot;THANK GOODNESS!&quot; (2 November 2006)].

* '''He was the antithesis of the philosopher of mystery and intimation, and he was not tempted to technicality. He lived assertively and was vain and cocksure — at some cost to his philosophical reputation, since other philosophers were as human in their judgements on him.''' He was also honest, humane, and more or less on the Left in politics. He liked society, was a man of many women, came to be self-judging, and after some sadness died bravely, on 27 June 1989.
** [[w:Ted Honderich|Ted Honderich]], in [http://www.ucl.ac.uk/~uctytho/AyerbyTH.html &quot;A. J. Ayer's Philosophy and its Greatness&quot;], his introduction to  ''A. J. Ayer : Writings on Philosophy'' (2004).

* '''He was undoubtedly one of the liveliest figures on the British philosophical scene in his time and, when he appeared on it, it was in need of enlivening.''' He was not a highly original thinker. His impact was due to the brilliance with which he arranged and expressed the ideas he had acquired from others. Perhaps his greatest intellectual virtue was his unremitting adherence to clarity and to rational argument. His work is without allusions, undeveloped suggestions, obscurity, and [[mannerism]]. Through his books and his teaching he sets a fine example of intellectual discipline.
** [[w:Anthony Quinton, Baron Quinton|Anthony Quinton]], in [http://www.ucl.ac.uk/~uctytho/AyerbyQuinton.html &quot;Alfred Jules Ayer, 1910-1989&quot;] the obituary in the ''Proceedings of the British Academy'', p. 282.

* '''In seeking to refound philosophy as an analytic discipline, Ayer was not just trying to separate philosophy from life but to liberate life from philosophy. &lt;br&gt; As he saw it, philosophers had traditionally set out to establish themselves as authorities on the fundamental nature of the universe and the character of right and wrong.''' They posited immutable laws of nature, claimed to show that the world was one, or pretended to demonstrate the existence of supersensible realms of being; they invented gods, divine commands and human ends, and sought in that way to tell people how to live. &lt;br&gt; To Ayer all this was not only unjustified — talk of supernatural reality, of beings existing outside space and time, or of the fundamental unity of things was literally senseless — but also reactionary. In narrowing the possibilities of experience, in placing limits on the findings of science and in dictating what was right and wrong, philosophy had become a cramping distorting discipline. The promise of life after death, the conception of earthly life as representing a punishment for inherited sin, the belief that pleasure was evil, had terribly oppressive effects. With metaphysics banished, science could develop unfettered, and people would become more experimental, more open to other points of view, more tolerant in thought and practice. They would, in particular, become less likely to engage in religious and ideological wars. '''Above all else, Ayer hoped, men and women would realise that this life was the only life they have, and would thus become more appreciative of what it had to offer.''' Which is where the football, the dancing and the love affairs come in.
** Ben Rogers, in the Preface to ''A.J. Ayer: A Life'' (1999), p. 3.

* '''Freddie became so much nicer after he died. He was not nearly so boastful. He took an interest in other people.'''
** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/2003/jul/23/guardianobituaries.books Dee Wells], his widow, on his changed dispositions after his near-death experience in June 1988, as quoted in &quot;Did atheist philosopher see God when he 'died'?&quot; by William Cash, in ''National Post'' (3 March 2001).

* ([[Martin Gardner]]) writes about various kinds of cranks with the conscious superiority of the scientist, and in most cases one can share his sense of the victory of reason. But after half a dozen chapters this non-stop superiority begins to irritate; you begin to wonder about the standards that make him so certain he is always right. He asserts that the scientist, unlike the crank, does his best to remain open-minded. So how can he be so sure  that no sane person has ever seen a flying saucer, or used a dowsing rod to locate water? And that all the people he disagrees with are unbalanced fanatics? '''A colleague of the positivist philosopher A. J. Ayer once remarked wryly &quot;I wish I was as certain of anything as he seems to be about everything&quot;.''' Martin Gardner produces the same feeling.
** [[Colin Wilson]], ''The Quest For [[Wilhelm Reich]]'', pp. 2-3.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ayer/ Ayer entry in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy]
* [http://philosophry.com/A-J-Ayer.htm A. J. Ayer at Philosophy.com]
* [http://www.sveinbjorn.org/ayer_philosophy_and_politics Ayer's Elizabeth Rathbone Lecture on Philosophy &amp; Politics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20060317191910/http://www.btinternet.com/~glynhughes/squashed/ayer.htm Condensed version of ''Language, Truth, and Logic'']
* [http://atschool.eduweb.co.uk/stevemoss/bron/ayer.htm Excerpt from ''More of My Life'' (1984) by A. J. Ayer]
* [http://gonsalves.org/favorite/atheist.htm &quot;Did atheist philosopher see God when he 'died'?&quot; by William Cash, in ''National Post'' (3 March 2001)]

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    <title>Kung Fu Panda</title>
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'''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (film)|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. 
:''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].''

{{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

==Po the Giant Panda==
* Enough talk, let's fight!
* I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
* Skadoosh!
* Dumpling is the only way to sort out problems.
* ''[looking at the Sword of Heroes while looking around in the Sacred Hall of Warriors]'' The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking… Ow!
* ''[as Shifu pinches his finger and lifts up his pinky]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold. Not the Wuxi Finger Hold! ''['''Shifu''': Oh, you know this hold?]'' Developed by Master Wuxi in the Third Dynasty.
* ''[meeting the Furious Five for the first time in person]'' The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except you, Mantis. You're about the same.
* I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!
* I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better.
* ''[impersonating Shifu]'' You'll never be the Dragon Warrior unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth! What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine.
* They're five masters. I'm just one me. ''['''Shifu''': But you will have the one thing that no one else does.]''
* There is no secret ingredient.
* I'm not a big, fat panda. I'm ''the'' big, fat panda.

==Shifu==
* ''[first lines; to the Furious Five]'' Well done, students… if you were trying to disappoint me. ''[points his flute at the Five, all bowing respectfully as he mentions their name]'' Tigress, you need more ferocity! Monkey, greater speed. Crane, height. Viper, subtlety. Mantis... ''['''Zeng''': Master Shifu.]'' What?! ''[points his flute at Zeng] ['''Zeng''': It's Master Oogway. He wants to see you.]''
* That is impossible! He is in prison!
* Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom Prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons, double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison!
* Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? To become... the Dragon Warrior?
* Citizens of the Valley of Peace, it's my great honor to present you, Tigress, Viper, Crane, Monkey and Mantis! The Furious Five!
* ''[to Oogway after Po is unexpectedly chosen as the Dragon Warrior]'' Master Oogway, wait! That flabby panda can't possibly be the answer to our problem. You were about to point at Tigress and that thing fell in front of her! That was just an accident!
* No. If the panda has not quit by morning, then I will have failed you.
* Go ahead, panda. Show us what you can do.
* This will be easier than I thought.
* There is now a level zero.
* The only souvenirs we collect here are bloody knuckles and broken bones.
* Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?
* Master, your vision. Your vision was right! Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way!
* But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung!
* You think this is funny? Tai Lung has escaped from prison and you're acting like children! ''['''Po''': What?]'' He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him!
* Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. ''['''Tigress''': The panda?]'' Yes, the panda!
* ''[to Po]'' Do you want to learn kung fu? ''['''Po''': Yeah!]'' Then I ''am'' your master!
* ''[looks away from the Dragon Scroll when Po tries to show him]'' No, I am forbidden to look upon... ''[takes the scroll out of Po's hands and looks for himself; astonished]'' Blank. I don't… I don't understand.
* This is no longer your home. And I am no longer your master.
* Obeying your master is not weakness!
* You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault!
* It was never my decision to make!
* The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! Never! 
* I'm not dying, you idiot!

==Tai Lung==
* ''[to Zeng, after busting out of prison]'' I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the real Dragon Warrior is coming home.
* Where's the Dragon Warrior?
* You think I'm a fool? I know you're not the Dragon Warrior. None of you! I heard how he fell out of the sky in a ball of fire, that he's a warrior unlike anything the world has ever seen.
* So, that is his name. Po. Finally, a worthy opponent! Our battle will be legendary! ''[raises his fist into the air]''
* Shifu taught you well. ''[hits Monkey with his nerve attack, blocking his chi]'' But he didn't teach you everything.
* I have come home, master.
* Yes. You have a new favorite. So, where is this Po? Did I scare him off?
* I rotted in jail for ''20 years'' because of your weakness!
* You knew I was the Dragon Warrior! You always knew. But, when Oogway said otherwise, what did you do? What did you do?! ''Nothing!''
* Who filled my head with dreams?! Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! ''Who denied me my'' '''''DESTINY?!?'''''
* Give... me... the scroll!
* All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how ''proud'' you are, Shifu! ''Tell me!'' '''''TELL ME!!!'''''
* ''[while fighting with Po down the steps for the Dragon Scroll]'' That scroll is '''MINE!'''
* ''[sees Po climbing to the Dragon Scroll]'' The scroll has given him power! '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''''
* Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll is... mine! ''[opens the Dragon Scroll and only finds nothing but the golden reflection]'' It's nothing!
* ''[after being battered by Po; weakly, but determined]'' You…can't defeat me. You… You're just a big…fat…panda!
* ''[last and final words before Po defeats him with the Wuxi Finger Hold]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that.

==Others==
:'''Master Oogway''': I have had a vision: Tai Lung will return.
:'''Commander Vachir''': ''[to Tai Lung]'' Hey, tough guy, did you hear? Oogway's finally going to give someone the Dragon Scroll and it's ''not'' gonna be you.
:'''Mantis''': ''[while putting Po under acupuncture]'' Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean, look at me. I'm over here.

==Dialogue==
:''[Film starts in a 2D-style animation]''
:'''Po (narrating)''': Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung-fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of worthy foes. [gets confronted by a group of criminals]
:'''Bull criminal''': I see you like to chew. Maybe you should chew… ON MY FIST! ''[slams his fist on the table]''
:'''Po (narrating)''': The warrior said nothing for his mouth was full. Then he swallowed, and then he spoke.
:'''Po''': Enough talk, let's fight! SHA-BAA-BOOOEEEE!
:''[po kicks the criminals away]''
:'''Po as a narrator of his dream''': He was so deadly, in fact, his enemies would go blind from over exposure to pure awesomeness!
:'''Leopard criminal''': MY EYES!
:'''Crocodile criminal''': HE'S TOO AWESOME!
:'''Female bunny''': And attractive. 
:'''Male bunny''': How can we repay you? 
:'''Po''': There's no charge for awesomeness. Or attractiveness.
:'''Female bunny''': ''[Giggles]'' 
:'''Po''': KABLOOEYY!
:''[The roof explodes and the warrior with a cloud of ninjas erupts into the sky. Like a tornado, the warrior twists and kicks them away rapidly.]
:'''Po (narrating)''': It mattered not how many foes he faced. They were no match for his bodacity.
:'''Po''': KIAI!
:'''Po (narrating)''': '''''NEVER BEFORE''''' had a panda been so feared, and so loved. Even the most heroic heroes in all of [[China]], THE FURIOUS FIVE. Bowed in respect to this great master.
:'''Monkey''': We should hang out.
:'''Po''': Agreed.
:'''Po (narrating)''': But hanging out would have to wait. Because when you're facing the 10,000 demons of Demon Mountain, there's only one thing that matters and that's...
:''[Po's dream is interrupted by Mr. Ping]''
:'''Mr. Ping''': Po.
:'''Mr. Ping as Monkey''': Get up.
:'''Mr. Ping as Tigress''': You'll be late for work.
:'''Po''': Huh? ''[falls out of his dream, lands on the floor in his room and wakes up in 3D-style animation]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there?
:'''Po''': Uh, nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Po''': ''[dazed from falling]'' Oh. What's going on? Where? ''[sees Oogway pointing his finger at him]'' What are you pointing…? Oh! Okay. Sorry, I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was.
:'''Oogway''': How interesting.
:'''Tigress''': Master, are you pointing at me?
:'''Oogway''': Him.
:'''Po''': Who? ''[moves around as Oogway's finger follows him, still pointing at him]''
:'''Oogway''': You.
:'''Po''': Me?
:'''Oogway''': ''[lifts Po's arm up with his staff]'' The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior!
:'''Po''': What?
:'''Furious Five''': What?!
:'''Shifu''': What?!
:'''Mr. Ping''': What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level...
:'''Shifu''': And what level is that?
:'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0.
:'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0.
:'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that!
:'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... 
:'''Po''': ''[sees and meets the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa! The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same.
:''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]''
:'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. 
:'''Po''': ''[hesitates; uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'?
:'''Shifu''': Hit it.
:'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on.
:'''Shifu''': Just hit it.
:'''Po''': Uh, OK. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey. Monkey raises an eyebrow]'' Or snickety-snake-alike?
:'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?!
:'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' Alright. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]''
:'''Shifu''': Why don't you try again? A little harder.
:'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' How's that? ''[the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Furious 5 starts forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[A spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought.
:'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms…]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard! ''[…then his crotch]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers his crotch]'' OOH My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious 5 who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do?
:'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''... a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mantis:''' There's no words.
:'''Crane:''' No denying that.
:'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed.
:'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire!
:'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes.
:''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]''
:'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' kung fu.
:'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes.
:'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes.
:''[The Furious Five laugh again]''
:''[ the camera turns to Po, reveling that he is hearing them insult him] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Trying to get to his room without waking up the Five, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]''
:'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up.
:'''Crane''': Am now.
:'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore?
:'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now.
:'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
:'''Crane''': OK, thanks.
:'''Po''': It's just-Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just- ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that.
:'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here.
:'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have-I just-my whole life, I've dreamed of-
:'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane.
:'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. ''[leaves, but remains outside the door]''
:'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]''.
:'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that?
:'''Crane''': I didn't say anything.
:'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh-
:'''Tigress''': You don't belong here.
:'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room.
:'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]''
:''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response]''
:'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' Big fan.
:''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]''
:'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom.
:'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree.
:'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset.
:'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset?
:'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset?
:'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''.
:'''Oogway''': Probably.
:'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me.
:'''Oogway''': Totally.
:'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those... thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles.
:'''Oogway''': ''[pauses out]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, no noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: &quot;Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.&quot; ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, making a peach fall into Po's hand, and leaves]''
:''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles. Meanwhile, back at Chorh-Gom Prison, Tai Lung is using the feather he picked up with his tail to unlock the shell holding him down. His ears start perking up, too. The dragon heads start loosening as the shell is unlocked. Tai Lung starts breathing and his claws come out. The dragon heads of the shell come off and the shell loosens, before Tai-lung breaks free from the shell and completely destroys it, alerting Commander Vachir, Zeng and everyone else in the prison.]''
:'''Vachir''': OH, NO!
:'''Zeng''': What's happening?!
:''[He looks down at the scene below, and gasps in horror upon seeing Tai Lung trying to break himself free from his restraints.]''
:'''Chorh-Gom Prison Guards''': To your battle stations! Go! Go! Go!
:''[Tai Lung stands up and roars at Vachir, making Zeng shiver in fear.]''
:'''Vachir''': Fire, crossbows!
:'''Crossbow Guard #1''': ''[fires an arrow at Tai-Lung]'' Fire!
:''[Tai Lung dodges the arrows fired by the crossbow guards by moving left to right, then glares at another guard.]''
:'''Crossbow Guard #2''': Fire!
:''[He fires at Tai Lung, only for the snow leopard to not only dodge it, but also makes it break off the restraint on his right hand. The guards look on in horror at what he just did. Tai Lung then breaks off the restraint on his left hand with a grunt, and he is now completely free, bent on taking revenge against Shifu and the entire Valley of Peace for denying him the Dragon Scroll and becoming the Dragon Warrior 20 years ago.]''
:'''Zeng''': Tai Lung is free! I must warn Shifu!
:''[He goes to warn Shifu about Tai Lung breaking free, but gets grabbed by the overconfident Vachir.]''
:''' Vachir''': You're not going anywhere, neither is he!
:'''Zeng''': Let go of me!
:''' Vachir''': Bring it up!
:''[The guards bring up a small platform.]''
:'''Guard''': Wait! Bring it back!
:''[He and another guard try to jump up to the platform, but miss. Meanwhile, Tai Lung notices another crossbow firing another arrow at him. He deflects it with his right paw, then kicks it back towards the guards, who dodge it. He then flings four more arrows into the wall, then cracks his neck and launches himself using the sixth arrow and begins his escape from prison.]''
:'''Zeng''': ''[scared]'' He's coming this way!
:''' Vachir''': He won't get far. Archers!
:''[The guards fire archer arrows at Tai Lung, who launches himself from the last arrow to grab onto the platform before the archers kill him. Another guard with an axe slices off the chain to stop Tai Lung from proceeding any further, causing the platform to crash land into the ground below. The two axe guards laugh and do an axe type high five, thinking they stopped Tai Lung, but get knocked out by the snow leopard. He then uses a chain to swing himself onto another bridge and battles more guards. With a heavy punch, he destroys a guard's weapon as he gets knocked backwards into the other guards, knocking them all out and others falling into the darkness below. He continues to break his way out of prison, but two guards try to lock him out to stop him. He busts the door down, knocking the two guards out and he takes out another two guards, leaving them dizzy. He steals another guard's spike-ball weapon and knocks him out before attacking three guards with the stolen weapon, before placing it into a fourth guard's mouth, and sending him flying as he sends more guards falling into the dark chasm at the bottom of the prison and knocking the guard he sent flying into another guard through the doorway, the latter guard letting out a Wilhelm scream. Eventually, Tai Lung reaches the entrance to the prison, where Vachir and the guards are blocking his way and readying their weapons.  Vachir and Tai Lung growl at each other with deep hatred towards each other, while Zeng squawks in fear. Tai Lung then prepares himself to take on Vachir and the remaining guards.]''
:'''Zeng''': We're dead. So, very, very dead.
:'''Vachir''': ''[laughs]'' Not yet, we're not. ''[to another guard]'' Now!
:''[The guard fires a fire arrow at a bomb, causing a chain reaction of three explosions. Tai Lung looks up and sees pillars falling towards him, then they make contact with the bridge, causing it to crumble. Tai Lung makes his way towards the entrance by dodging the falling pillars and makes a giant leap towards Vachir and the others, but misses his mark and lands on a falling pillar. Vachir laughs and waves at Tai-Lung, tauntingly. Tai Lung then sees one bomb that hasn't exploded yet and climbs his way towards it. In slow motion, he climbs up a giant pillar and jumps onto the last pillar. In regular speed, he climbs up and grabs the bomb and dives down towards Vachir and the others, the former of whom realizes there is nothing he and the other guards can do to stop him now.]''
:'''Zeng''': ''[terrified]'' Can we run now?
:''' Vachir''': ''[terrified]'' Yes.
:''[But it is way too late. Tai Lung throws the bomb at Vachir, Zeng and the other guards and the bomb explodes, destroying the door and sending everyone flying out of Chorh-Gom Prison, knocking them all out, except Zeng. Vachir's golden nose lands next to him, but it is unknown if he was killed or was badly injured from the blast. Tai Lung then grabs Zeng by his neck and lifts him up, who gulps in fear while looking at the snow leopard, the latter of whom having successfully broken out of Chorh-Gom Prison.]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[sighs and rubs Zeng's forehead]'' I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the ''real'' Dragon Warrior is coming home.
:''[Zeng nods and Tai Lung releases him. Zeng then flies back to the Jade Palace. The next morning, at the Jade Palace, the Furious Five wakes up to meet Shifu.]''
:'''Furious Five''': Good morning, Master!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Viper''': What do we do now, Master, with the panda gone? Who will be the Dragon Warrior?
:'''Shifu''': All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the ''true'' Dragon Warrior will be revealed. ''[opens the training courtyard doors, only to find himself face-to-face with Po, spreading out his legs wide apart on two training horses]'' What are you doing here?!
:'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu and the Five staring at him]'' Hi! Good morning, Master! I just thought I'd warm up a little.
:'''Shifu''': You're stuck.
:'''Po''': Stuck? Nah. What? Stuck? Nah. This is one of my... Yeah, I'm stuck.
:'''Shifu''': ''[to Crane]'' Help him.
:'''Crane''': Oh, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Po''': I know Master Shifu's trying to inspire me and all, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to get rid of me. ''[chuckles awkwardly]''
:'''Mantis''': ''[Unpause]'' I know he can seem kind of heartless… ''[jabs another acupuncture needle in Po]'' but he wasn't always like that.
:'''Viper''': According to legend, there was once a time when Master Shifu actually used to smile.
:''[Tigress walks down the bunkhouse hall and stops outside of Po's room when she overhears Po, Viper, and Mantis talking]''
:'''Po''': No.
:'''Mantis''': Yes.
:'''Viper''': But that was before.
:'''Po''': Before what?
:'''Tigress''': ''[enters]'' Before Tai Lung.
:'''Crane''': Uh, yeah, we're not really supposed to talk about him.
:'''Tigress''': Well, if he's going to stay here, he should know.
:'''Po''': Guys, guys, I know about Tai Lung. He was a student. The first ever to master the thousand scrolls of kung fu. ''[nervously as Tigress stares piercingly at him]'' And then he turned bad, and now he's in jail.
:'''Tigress''': He wasn't just a student. ''[flashback begins to a younger Shifu stepping out of the training hall courtyard and finds baby Tai Lung, wrapped in cloth; voiceover]'' Shifu found him as a cub… and he raised him as his son. And when the boy showed talent in kung fu… Shifu trained him. He believed in him. He told him he was destined for greatness. It was never enough for Tai Lung. He wanted the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway saw darkness in his heart and refused. ''[Tai Lung rampages]'' Outraged, Tai Lung laid waste to the valley. ''[Tai Lung crashes through the doors into the Hall of Warriors]'' He tried to take the scroll by force. And Shifu had to destroy what he had created. ''[Shifu leaps at Tai Lung to give him a kick but remembers him as a baby at the last second]'' But how could he? ''[Tai Lung strikes Shifu and he crashes to the ground with a broken leg, then leaps for the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway intercepts and strikes his pressure points, making him fall to the ground in a heap; Shifu stares in sadness and disbelief, then crawls over to Tai Lung but is unable to touch him]'' Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before. Or since. ''[back to the present; everyone is quietest]'' And now, he has a chance to make things right, to train the true Dragon Warrior. And he's stuck with you. A big, fat panda who treats it like a joke. ''[Po makes a weird sound and a face; angrily]'' Oh, that is it! ''[raises her paw, intending to strike Po]''
:'''Mantis''': ''[Stops tigress]'' WAIT! My fault! I accidentally tweaked his facial nerve! ''[Po falls over and reveals hundreds of acupuncture needles in his back and one on his neck]'' And may have also stopped his heart. ''[taps Po twice with no response]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Shifu''': ''[running up to the peach tree to meet with Oogway]'' Master! Master!
:'''Oogway''': Hmm?
:'''Shifu''': I have very bad news.
:'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad.
:'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison, and he's on his way!
:''[Oogway looks shocked]'' 
:'''Oogway''': That ''is'' bad news. If you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him.
:'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident!
:'''Oogway''': There are no accidents.
:'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You've said that already... Twice.
:'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either.
:'''Shifu''': Thrice.
:'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control.
:'''Shifu''': Illusion?
:'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time.
:'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head and he grumbles]'' And I can control... ''[tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]''
:'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
:'''Shifu''': But a peach can't defeat Tai Lung!
:'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it.
:'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master.
:'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe.
:'''Shifu''': I...I will try.
:'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]''
:'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me!
:'''Oogway''': ''[last words as he starts to vanish]'' You must believe.
:'''Shifu''': Master! 
:''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt; 
:'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like &quot;Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!&quot;
:'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive?
:'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he would've been like &quot;What?&quot;. Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]''
:'''Mantis''': This is really good!
:'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient.
:'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing!
:'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook!
:''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new]''
:'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger!
:'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this.
:'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe.
:'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet. ''[chuckles]'' I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What?
:'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing...&quot;Master Shifu&quot;.
:''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]''
:'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' &quot;You will never be the Dragon Warrior, unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!&quot; ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' &quot;What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine.&quot; ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good.
:'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu!
:'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh, Master Shifu! Uh… ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[annoyed]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children!
:'''Po''': What?
:'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him!
:'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna... stop Tai Lung. ''[realizing]'' What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again.
:'''Shifu''': Oogway cannot! ''[his face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior.
:'''Tigress''': The panda?
:'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda!
:'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for!
:'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his! [points at Po, but finds him gone]'' Where'd he go?! ''[Po is seen running away, screaming in panic, realizing he has to fight Tai Lung; stops him from leaving when he reaches the stairs]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits!
:'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs.
:'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]''
:'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but gets pushed away again]''
:'''Shifu''': Yes, I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine.
:'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior.
:'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed.
:'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled. It hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China!
:'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will!
:'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!'''''
:'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' '''I don't know!''' ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know.
:'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po making karate sounds. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]''
:'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look around the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay?
:'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]''
:'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don't tell Monkey.
:'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you.
:'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you.
:'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there?
:'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don't know. I just- I don't know. I was getting a cookie.
:'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split.
:'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; falls to the floor]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crane''': ''[to Shifu; exhausted and out of breath from carrying the others back after their fight with Tai Lung]'' We were no match for his nerve attack.
:'''Shifu''': He has gotten stronger. ''[presses some pressure points on Mantis' chest, reviving him]''
:'''Po''': Who? Tai Lung? Stronger? ''[gets punched in the face by Monkey after Shifu revives him]''
:'''Monkey''': He's too fast! Sorry, Po.
:'''Tigress''': ''[as Shifu revives her; ashamed]'' I thought we could stop him.
:'''Shifu''': He could have killed you.
:'''Mantis''': Why didn't he?
:'''Shifu''': ''[while reviving Viper]'' So you could come back here and strike fear into our hearts. But it ''won't'' work.
:'''Po''': Uh… It might. I mean, a little. I'm pretty scared.
:'''Shifu''': You can defeat him, panda!
:'''Po''': Are you kidding? If they can't? They're five masters. I'm just one me.
:'''Shifu''': But you will have the one thing that no one else does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Po''': Okay, here goes. It's blank.  
:'''Shifu''': What? 
:'''Po''': Here look.
:'''Shifu''': No I forbid to look upon… Blank I don't… I don't understand.  
:'''Po''': Okay. So, like, Oogway was just a crazy old turtle, after all.
:'''Shifu''': No. Oogway was wiser than us all.
:'''Po''': Oh, come on! Face it, he picked me by accident. Of course I'm not the Dragon Warrior. ''[sits on the floor; disappointed]'' Who am I kidding?
:'''Tigress''': But who will stop Tai Lung?
:'''Crane''': He'll destroy everything and everyone.
:'''Shifu''': No. Evacuate the valley. You must protect the villagers from Tai Lung's rage.
:'''Tigress''': What about you, Master?
:'''Shifu''': I will fight him.
:'''Po''': What?
:'''Shifu''': I can hold him off long enough for everyone to escape.
:'''Po''': But, Shifu, he'll kill you.
:'''Shifu''': Then I will finally have paid for my mistake. Listen to me, all of you. It is time for you to continue your journey without me. I am ''very'' proud to have been your master. ''[salutes Po and The Five and they salute in return]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Ping''': Po, I'm going to tell you something I should've told you long ago. I'm about to tell you the secret ingredient of my Secret Ingredient Soup! Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing!
:'''Po''': Huh?
:'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient!
:'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodle soup? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something?
:'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special, you just have to believe it is special.
:'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shifu waits and closes his eyes. Thunder roars and lightning flashes as Shifu opens his eyes, seeing that Tai Lung is standing in front of him at the top of the stairs of the Palace.]''
:'''Tai Lung''': I have come home, Master.
:'''Shifu''': This is no longer your home, and I am no longer your master.
:'''Tai Lung''': Yes. You have a new favorite. So where is this &quot;Po&quot;? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off?
:'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me.
:'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be.
:'''Shifu''': That is how it must be.
:''[Shifu and Tai Lung fight.]''
:'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness!
:'''Shifu''': Obeying your master is not weakness!
:'''Tai Lung''': You knew ''I'' was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise... ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' What did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''What did you do?!''' ''[return to the present; furious]'' '''NOTHING! (YOU DID NOTHING!!)'''
:'''Shifu''': You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault!
:'''Tai Lung''': NOT YOUR FAULT?! ''[knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' Who filled my head with dreams?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu, which he dodges]'' Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! '''WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make!
:''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He picks up the deceased master's staff]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[Shifu charges Tai Lung; Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to pin him to the ground.]'' Give... me... the scroll!
:'''Shifu''': I would rather die!
:''[Tai Lung tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks. They fight, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws that Shifu struggles to block]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' ALL I EVER DID, I DID TO MAKE YOU PROUD! TELL  ME HOW '''''PROUD''''' YOU ARE, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''' [his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames of his paws]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn, and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm...I'm sorry.
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat]'' I don't want your apology! I want my scroll! ''[looks up at the ceiling and sees the Dragon Scroll is missing; shocked]'' What?! ''[enraged] '''WHERE IS IT?!''' [furiously slams Shifu to the floor]''
:'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never.
:'''Po''': ''[offscreen] '''HEY!''' [Tai Lung stops and turns. He sees Po at the entrance, panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh.
:'''Tai Lung''': Who are you?
:'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy... I... am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to Shifu:]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. [sarcastically]'' What are you gonna do, big guy? sit on me? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come and get it.
:''[Tai Lung attacks Po with a punch and steals the Dragon Scroll from him.]''
:'''Tai Lung''': Finally!
:''[Po bounces off a wall and strikes Tai Lung, and takes the Scroll back. Tai Lung kicks Po into a building roof and a tree, the latter Po uses to smack Tai Lung backwards onto another building. He then attacks Po with a round-house kick, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs.]''
:'''Tai Lung''': That scroll is ''MINE!''
:''[Po and Tai Lung scuffle for the scroll as they bounce down the stairs and exchange blows at each other. In slow-motion, Po sits on Tai Lung's head, then in regular speed, he is sent crashing through the roof of the gate entrance to the Jade Palace and landing on a pan full of noodles, covering him.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tai Lung''': Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll is... ''mine! [opens the Dragon Scroll, but finds only nothing but the golden reflection]'' It's nothing!
:'''Po''': ''[getting up]'' It's okay. I didn't get it the first time, either.
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Po''': There is no secret ingredient. ''[Tai Lung throws the Dragon Scroll to the ground in frustration]'' It's just you. ''[looks down at the golden reflection and smiles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After a long fight, Tai Lung is severely battered]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. ''[He comes out panting in exhaustion, having suffered bent whiskers and a black eye. He still refuses to give up.]'' You... You're just a big...fat...panda!
:'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda. I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]''
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold!
:'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold?
:'''Tai Lung''': ''[to Po]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that.
:'''Po''': Nope. I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger]'' Skadoosh. ''[Tai Lung disappears in a rippling wave of light]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Po rushes up the stairs to the Jade Palace to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious]''
:'''Po''': Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay?
:'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...[sadly] or we're both dead.
:'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't died. I defeated Tai Lung.
:'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods yes]'' Wow. It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[lies down]''
:'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' [[Arthur (TV series)|No! Master! No, no, no, don't died, Shifu, please!]]
:'''Shifu''': ''[opens his eyes in annoyance]'' [[The Fox and the Hound|I'm not dying, you idiot- Uh, Dragon Warrior. ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally.]]
:'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking?
:'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can.
:'''Po''': ''[lies down beside him, fidgeting; then speaks:]'' You want to get something to eat?
:'''Shifu''': ''[wakes up]'' Yeah.

== Taglines ==
* Prepare For Awesomeness.
* Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX.
* Summertime Is Pandatime.

== Giant Panda ==
* Ranpha Franboise — Pepper Mildred Clark

==See also==
* [[Kung Fu Panda 2]]
* [[Kung Fu Panda 3]]
* [[Kung Fu Panda 4]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}}

[[Category:2008 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                  
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American animated feature films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]]
[[Category:Martial arts films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Stevenson]]
[[Category:Kung Fu Panda]]
[[Category:Animated films set in China]]
[[Category:Animated films about animals]]</text>
      <sha1>9syx0okzp7tzdbmh0gwf4rg83v0skj1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Big Daddy</title>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:14:57Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>71.221.204.92</ip>
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      <text bytes="21247" sha1="p65d5mqjhkeloxhhojlx92k7lfuj7js" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Big Daddy (1999 film)|Big Daddy]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] starring [[Adam Sandler]] as Sonny Koufax, a lazy bachelor who has never had any real responsibilities in his life. When a 5-year-old boy named Julian (who turns out to be his friend Kevin's son) shows up on his doorstep, Sonny takes him in until Kevin gets back from a business trip in China. He and Julian eventually form a strong bond, but Sonny soon gets in trouble when Social Services finds out he's not really Kevin. In the end, Kevin comes forward as the real father and tells the court he's not pressing charges. Sonny takes him to the park to meet Kevin and Sonny and Julian remain good friends. 
{{center|'''Nature called. Look who answered.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Sonny Koufax==
*Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?
*Having a kid is great... As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking.
*The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!
*''[drops a can in a supermarket]'' Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines, spoken during the opening credits. Phone rings]''
:'''Sonny''': ...Hello?
:'''Lenny''': Sonny? It's your dad. Were you asleep?
:'''Sonny''': Oh, hey, man, I was–I was exercising.
:''[Scene shows Sonny half asleep in bed on the phone]''
:'''Lenny''': Bullshit. You were sleeping.
:'''Sonny''': No, I wasn't, I wasn't.
:'''Lenny''': ''[to someone near him]'' This kid won't stop lying to me. ''[to Sonny]'' You still act like you're 6!
:'''Sonny''': Oh yeah, okay, dad. I act like I'm 6.
:''[Cuts to Sonny on his couch with a bowl of cereal, watching cartoons]''
:'''Lenny''': Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?
:'''Sonny''': Uh...I've been looking.
:''[Cuts to Sonny sleeping in a rowboat in a pond in Central Park]''
:'''Lenny''': Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid.
:'''Sonny''': Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.
:'''Lenny''': Well, don't blow it all on worthless crap.
:'''Sonny''': I won't!
:''[Cuts to Sonny carrying a fancy surfboard that he apparently just bought]''
:'''Lenny''': You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam.
:'''Sonny''': You're the lawyer in the family; I ain't taking a damn bar exam. I got too much other shit going on in my life.
:''[Cuts to Sonny napping on his couch]''
:'''Lenny''': I don't know what the hell happened to you. 
:'''Sonny''': Okay. 
:'''Lenny''': Anyway, how are things going with your girlfriend? What's her name? Vanessa?
:'''Sonny''': Things are going fine. 
:'''Vanessa''': ''[wakes up suddenly]'' Shit. ''[looks at the clock]'' SHIT! 
:'''Sonny''': I gotta - I gotta go. ''[hangs up the phone]''
:'''Vanessa''': Damn it, you turned off the alarm clock again!
:'''Sonny''': No, no, no. I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep, Vanessa.
:'''Vanessa''': ''[rushing to the bathroom to get dressed]'' I knew I shouldn't have stayed here. That was a real jerk thing to do, thanks a lot!
:'''Sonny''': What are you doing? Why are you going to work, anyway? It's Sunday.
:'''Vanessa''': I'm not going to work, I'm going to brunch...with some potential clients. That's how a party planner gets business: by ''meeting'' people, making ''contact!''
:'''Sonny''': Meet with me. Come on, I'll order in from Cozy's, we'll have fun.
:'''Vanessa''': I am sick of Cozy's! You order from there all the time, the delivery guy's, like, your best friend.
:'''Sonny''': Well, he happens to be pretty damn nice. This is a rough patch of my life right now, alright? Syracuse is 0–3, and I've got those medical problems.
:'''Vanessa''': Medical problems? ''[scoffs]'' A cab runs over your foot two years ago, you spent ''one night'' in the hospital.
:'''Sonny''': First of all, that cab was huge. And a jury decided that that one night of pain was worth $200,000, so there you go.
:'''Vanessa''': Whatever.
:'''Sonny''': What the hell's the matter with you? Why are you being so nuts to me lately?
:'''Vanessa''': Because, you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life. I, on the other hand, would like to have a family someday. But, I need someone that I can rely on, not just a playmate.
:'''Sonny''': What do you need, a father figure? &quot;Stop pulling your sister's hair!&quot;
:'''Vanessa''': You know what? I am going to go to Syracuse to see my mom. I'll be back on Wednesday. 
:'''Sonny''': What are you talking about?
:''[Vanessa slides open the door to the apartment and sees Nazo, the Cozy's delivery guy, standing there]''
:'''Nazo''': ''[in foreign accent]'' I have call for delivery in building but I think it was crank call. Want some chocolate cake?
:'''Sonny''': It’s a bad time, man. Come back later, I’ll Indian Wrestle ya. 
:'''Nazo''': You’re going down, sucker. 
:'''Sonny''': Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. 
:'''Nazo''': Okay, peace out. ''[leaves]''
:'''Sonny''': ''[to Vanessa]'' What do you mean you're going to Syracuse? 
:'''Vanessa''': Because I need time to think, and so do you. 
:'''Sonny''': What do I need to think about?
:'''Vanessa''': Your life. And why there’s any reason for me to be a part of it. 
:'''Sonny''': Alright. 
:'''Vanessa''': And while you’re at it, why don’t you think about getting a real job? ''[leaves]''
:'''Sonny''': I got a real job!
:''[Cuts to Sonny sitting in a toll booth]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sonny returns home after work. He slides open the apartment door and sees a large party waiting]''
:'''Everyone''': SURPRISE!!!
:'''Corrine''': Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny. 
:'''Sonny''': Yeah, &quot;it's only me, it's only me&quot;. ''[walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey]'' What's going on? 
:'''Phil''': Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin. 
:'''Sonny''': Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know. 
:'''Phil''': Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise. 
:'''Sonny''': No I wouldn't. 
:''[Kevin walks in on the party, almost no one notices]''
:'''Man at party''': Hey, surprise! 
:'''Everyone''': ''[unexcited]'' Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. 
:'''Sonny''': Surprise. 
:'''Kevin''': ''[confused]'' What's going on?
:'''Corrine''': ''[walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny]'' We wasted the good surprise on you!
:'''Sonny''': ''[chuckling]'' Alright. 
:''[Corrine runs away to the bathroom, crying]''
:'''Kevin''': ''[to Sonny]'' This your handiwork?
:'''Sonny''': I guess. 
:'''Kevin''': See you in three hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kevin''': ''[trying console Corrine who has locked herself in the bathroom]'' Honey, it was a great surprise! I was totally shocked!
:'''Corrine''': No you weren't! And I worked so hard on it!
:''[Corrine's sister Layla walks over]''
:'''Layla''': ''[to Kevin]'' Need some help?
:'''Kevin''': ''[to Corrine]'' Honey, your sister’s here!
:'''Layla''': ''[to Corrine]'' Hey, sweetie. 
:'''Corrine''': I hate Sonny!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil''': ''[discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy]'' So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue on is &quot;breach of contract.&quot;
:'''Sonny''': Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
:'''Phil''': ...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. ''[to Tommy]'' I'll see you at home.
:'''Tommy''': Alright.
:''[They kiss deeply. Mike is somewhat bothered, Sonny keeps a neutral face]''
:'''Phil''': I'll walk you out. ''[leaves with Tommy, holding hands]''
:'''Mike''': I gotta admit, I’m still a little weirded out when they kiss.
:'''Sonny''': Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do.
:'''Mike''': I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school.
:'''Sonny''': They're still like our brothers, our very very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a clan meeting?
:''[Mikey laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tommy''': ''[referring to Kevin and Corrine]'' That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought.
:'''Sonny''': Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.
:'''Kevin''': ''[stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement]'' Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, ''[speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely]'' I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton &amp; Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.
:''[Everyone laughs again]''
:'''Tommy''': Prove it! ''[everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look]'' Just kidding.
:'''Kevin''': But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do...
:'''Sonny''': You're not proposing are ya?!
:''[Everyone turns and looks at Sonny]''
:'''Kevin''': Uh, yeah, pal, I am.
:'''Sonny''': Well, think about it...ya know?
:'''Corrine''': ''[annoyed]'' God, Sonny! Shut up!
:''[The room goes silent]''
:'''Kevin''': ''[sits down with a sigh]'' Anyways. Will you?
:'''Corrine''': ''[glares at Sonny, to Kevin]'' Yeah. ''[kisses him]''
:''[Everyone applauds]''
:'''Tommy''': ''[sarcastically to Sonny]'' Good call on the two weeks, pal.
:''[Cut to Sonny putting on the roof. Kevin walks out]''
:'''Kevin''': Hey Sonny, what was that all about?
:'''Sonny''': Hey, congratulations, you and &quot;Big Boobs&quot; McGee are gonna be real happy. 
:'''Kevin''': Don't call her &quot;Big Boobs&quot; McGee.
:'''Sonny''': You want to explain to your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
:'''Kevin''': Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. &quot;Big Boobs&quot; McGee.
:'''Sonny''': Congratulations.
:'''Kevin''': Thanks, man.
:''[Kevin and Sonny sit down next to each other]''
:'''Sonny''': I just got shit going on. 
:'''Kevin''': What's the matter?
:'''Sonny''': Vanessa's gonna break-up with me and I don't know what to do to make her want to stay.
:'''Kevin''': Vanessa's just getting older, she wants different things, ya know? Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get.  
:'''Sonny''': I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
:'''Kevin''': Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?
:'''Sonny''': Yes, that was nice.
:'''Kevin''': Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. ''[Sonny chuckles and nods]'' Those were the days. ''[Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop]'' What're you doing?
:'''Sonny''': If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.
:'''Kevin''': Oh, you're gonna putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right. 
:'''Sonny''': ''[makes a putt]'' Yes! That's what I'm talking abou- ''[a rat comes out of the hole]'' GOOD GOD!!!
:'''Kevin''': That can't be good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Corinne is cleaning the decorations from the party the previous night, Sonny staggers out of bed]''
:'''Sonny''': ''[walking down the steps from his bedroom]'' Where's Kevin?
:'''Corinne''': Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.
:'''Sonny''': Why are you here then?
:'''Corinne''': I'm cleaning because you're useless.
:'''Sonny''': And then what? You're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys sit around and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?
:'''Corinne''': At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.
:'''Sonny''': ''[pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge]'' Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
:'''Corinne''': I don't know.
:'''Sonny''': I'm eating it, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sonny, Nazo, and Julian watch TV. Sonny notices the action figure Julian has]''
:'''Sonny''': What's this guy's name?
:'''Julian''': Scuba Steve.
:'''Sonny''': I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off?
:'''Julian''': No.
:'''Sonny''': How about when he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes, let him wear the flippers?
:'''Julian''': Yes.
:'''Sonny''': Really?
:'''Nazo''': I had a doll like that one time. But, my cat, he bite its head off.
:'''Julian''': ''[confused]'' What kind of cat would do that?
:'''Nazo''': ''[turning confrontational]'' You calling me a liar?!
:'''Sonny''': Hey! Take it easy. Anyways, Monday Night Football's tonight, the Jets are playing. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone. ''[to Nazo]'' You wannna come with us?
: '''Nazo''': I have more deliveries on the bicycle. 
:'''Sonny''': Well, maybe you could finish that piece of turkey on your lip. ''[Nazo finds a piece of his turkey sandwich stuck to his lip and eats it; laughs]'' There ya go. 
:''[Cut to Sonny and Julian at the bar watching tv. Blue Collar Man (Long Nights) by Styx is playing in the bar]''
:'''Sonny''': Yeah! Let's crank up the Styx!
:'''Mr. Hurley''': No music during the game. 
:'''Sonny''': It’s halftime. Relax, Mr. Hurley. 
:'''Mr. Hurley''': God damn Jets. 
:'''Waitress''': ''[walks by and notices Julian]'' What are you doing in here, cutie?
:'''Julian''': Watching football.
:'''Waitress''': Who do you want to win?
:'''Julian''': The god damn Jets.
:'''Waitress''': ''[laughs]'' Have fun.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cashier''': Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?
:'''Sonny''': What do you want?
:'''Julian''': Cheerios.
:'''Sonny''': Cheerios, they don't got Cheerios, what else?
:'''Julian''': Lasagna.
:'''Sonny''': Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? ''[to cashier]'' We'll take hotcakes and sausage-
:'''Cashier''': Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.
:'''Sonny''': ''[looks at the clock on the wall]'' What are you talking about? We're, like, 4 seconds late.
:'''Cashier''': No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
:'''Sonny''': Ohh, HORSESHIT!!! ''[Julian starts crying]'' No, no, no. Don't cry, I'm sorry. I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.
:'''Customer''': ''[sarcastically]'' Nice parenting.
:'''Sonny''': ''[also sarcastic]'' Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? ''[throws the man's fries]'' Take a walk! ''[to Julian]'' Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? ''[Julian screams loudly while crying]'' WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!?!
:''[later, Sonny and Julian leave McDonald's; they meet up with the homeless man again]''
:'''Homeless Man''': Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?
:'''Sonny''': Breakfast is over at 10:30.
:'''Homeless Man''': Really?
:'''Sonny''': Yeah.
:'''Homeless Man''': I thought it was 11:00.
:'''Sonny''': I thought that too.
:'''Homeless Man''': Total mind blower.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sonny sits on his couch, preparing to watch a hockey game. Julian comes in bouncing on a hippity-hop, then keeps bouncing in front of the TV, blocking Sonny's view of it]''
:'''Sonny''': How're you doing?
:'''Julian''': How're you doing?
:'''Sonny''': You like hockey?
:'''Julian''': You like hockey?
:'''Sonny''': This is a big important game.
:'''Julian''': This is a big important game.
:'''Sonny''': Cut the crap.
:'''Julian''': Cut the crap.
:'''Sonny''': I'm being serious, don't do that.
:'''Julian''': I'm being serious, don't do that.
:'''Sonny''': ''[Very fast]'' How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ''[Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him]'' Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Julian hands Sonny a video cassette]''
:'''Sonny''': What's this?
:'''Julian''': ''The Kangaroo Song''.
:'''Sonny''': All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?
:'''Julian''': But after my nap, I always watch ''The Kangaroo Song''.
:'''Sonny''': It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.
:'''Julian''': ''Kangaroo Song''. ''Kangaroo Song''. ''Kangaroo Song''! ''KANGAROO SONG''!
:'''Sonny''': ALL RIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Julian and Sonny are walking down the canned foods aisle at the grocery store. Julian is scratching his arm]''
:'''Sonny''': What are you doing scratching so much?
:'''Julian''': I have ecza, ecza..
:'''Sonny''': Eczema? Gross!
:'''Julian''': How do I make it stop itching?
:'''Sonny''': I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? ''[Julian smiles and nods]'' Yeah? ''[takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]'' Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. ''[takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]'' Here, give it a shot. ''[gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor]'' That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh? 
:'''Corrine''': ''[walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly]'' Hi, Sonny. ''[to Julian, more happy]'' Hi, Sonny's friend! 
:'''Sonny''': His name's Frankenstein. 
:'''Corrine''': Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?
:'''Julian''': ''[pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line]'' Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.
:'''Sonny''': ''[laughs]'' You don't gotta do that anymore. ''[notices Corrine's crop-top]'' Look at that! You guys wearing the same size t-shirt! That's cool.
:'''Corrine''': Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
:'''Sonny''': Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the &quot;hibbidy, dibbidy&quot; ''[Corrine smacks him]'' Ow!
:'''Julian''': I got eczema. ''[showing her his rash on his arm]''
:'''Corrine''': Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.
:'''Sonny''': Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!
:'''Corrine''': ''[placing a bag of frozen peas on Julian's arm]'' Is that better?
:'''Julian''': Thank you. ''[smiles and walks away]''
:'''Corrine''': You're welcome.
:'''Sonny''': I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.
:'''Corrine''': It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.
:'''Sonny''': Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.
:''[Corrine gives Sonny an unimpressed look. Julian takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]''
:'''Corrine''': What the hell is he doing?
:'''Sonny''': He's shopping.
:'''Julian''': Microsoft went down three points.
:'''Corrine''': ''[sarcastically to Sonny]'' That's real good. ''[happily to Julian]'' See you later, Frankenstein. 
:'''Sonny''': Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden! 
:''[Corrine flips Sonny off as she walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Layla and Sonny are discussing Phil and Tommy’s relationship while walking home from their date in Little Italy]''
:'''Layla''': So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?
:'''Sonny''': Yeah.
:'''Layla''': Is that strange for you?
:'''Sonny''': No, I mean, nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that’s it. 
:''[Layla laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sonny's meeting with his family and friends at Hooter's for his surprise birthday party]''
:'''Julian''': Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.
:'''Sonny''': Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.
:'''Kevin''': I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.
:'''Sonny''': Well, that's because you suck.
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, that's it.
:'''Sonny''': Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times' sake, huh? C'mon!
:''[Corinne gives Sonny a look]''
:'''Julian''': What's he talking about, Mommy?
:'''Corinne''': ''[smiles knowingly to Sonny]'' NOTHING....
:''[Everyone laughs]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sonny''': ''[to a passing Hooters waitress]'' Hey, can we get some curly fries? ''[the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...]'' Vanessa?
:'''Vanessa''': ...Hi, Sonny.
:'''Sonny''': You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? ''[Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them]'' Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.
:'''Julian''': Is that the guy with the old balls?
:'''Sonny''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, I guess it is. ''[Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away]'' Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... ''[to Julian]'' Next time, don't say &quot;balls&quot;. &quot;Testicles&quot;, alright?

== Taglines ==
*Nature called. Look who answered.
*Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him.

==Cast==
* [[Adam Sandler]] as Sonny Koufax
* [[w:Dylan and Cole Sprouse|Dylan and Cole Sprouse]] as Julian McGrath
* [[w:Joey Lauren Adams|Joey Lauren Adams]] as Layla Maloney
* [[Jon Stewart]] as Kevin Gerrity
* [[w:Leslie Mann|Leslie Mann]] as Corinne Maloney
* [[w:Rob Schneider|Rob Schneider]] as Nazo
* [[w:Steve Buschemi|Steve Buschemi]] as Homeless Man

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Big Daddy (1999 film)}}
* {{IMDb title|0142342|Big Daddy}}
* {{mojo title|bigdaddy|Big Daddy}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|big_daddy|Big Daddy}}
* {{metacritic film|bigdaddy|Big Daddy}}

[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Adam Sandler]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Films directed by Dennis Dugan]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Weird Science (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>86940</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606986</id>
      <parentid>3572538</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:03:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.26.233.148</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Taglines */</comment>
      <origin>3606986</origin>
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      <text bytes="8590" sha1="cg76h2wjtect68gqtxjt6o8ie6z31ft" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Weird Science (film)|Weird Science]]''''' is a [[w:1985 in film|1985 film]] about two nerdish boys who attempt to create the perfect woman, but she turns out to be more than that.
:''Written and directed by [[w:John Hughes (film director)|John Hughes]].''
{{center|'''It's all in the name of science. Weird Science.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Lisa ==
* So...what would you little maniacs like to do first?

* You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

* If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscramble. Hurts so good.

* ''[to Wyatt's grandparents after they arrive unannounced]'' You ought to know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat!

== Chet Donnelly ==
* How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?

* I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I'm even considering makin' up some shit!

* You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Wyatt''': Gary?... By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
:'''Gary''': ''[hesitates]'' Ceremonial.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wyatt''': What are we gonna do with her?
:'''Gary''': Look, we'll just go with the situation. Okay? And I'm sure by Sunday, you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you. Okay? All right?
:'''Wyatt''': I'm just being practical.
:'''Gary''': I know you are. Okay? And I appreciate it.
:'''Wyatt''': But what are we gonna do about this mess?
:'''Gary''': Wyatt, you'll have plenty of time to clean up tomorrow. Okay?
:'''Wyatt''': Okay, but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.
:''[they walk out of the room and their nerdy suits suddenly transform into posh suits]''
:'''Wyatt''': Where are we going, anyway?
:'''Gary''': I don't know. She said we're gonna go downtown and... ''[looks at the suits]'' Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this? Is that your stuff? Is this yours?
:'''Wyatt''': Oh, shit. Gary, I don't know what's goin'--
:'''Gary''': Wyatt, what's goin' on here?
:'''Wyatt''': I don't know.
:'''Gary''': What is goin' on here?
:'''Wyatt''': Gary, I don't know!
:'''Gary''': I don't know what's goin' on here!
:'''Wyatt''': You look good though! All right?!
:'''Gary''': Yeah?!
:'''Wyatt''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dino''': Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this? Huh?
:'''Lisa''': It's purely sexual.
:'''Dino''': No shit.
:'''Gary''': She's into malakas, Dino!
:''[after a brief pause, Dino and his friends laugh]''
:'''Dino''': &quot;She's into malakas&quot;! Do you believe that?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gary''': ''[completely wasted]'' Fats, man, lemme tell you my story, man. Last year, I was insane for this crazy, little 8th grade bitch.
:'''Fats''': Crazy insane?
:'''Man 1''': Insane?
:'''Man 2''': Crazy?
:'''Gary''': I was nuts for the woman, man. Now, you gotta believe me. I'm tellin' the truth here. I speakin' to ya. I mean, I was nuts for the girl. And what did it to me was these big titties she had. For a 13-year-old girl, man? She wouldn't have had to worry 'bout no titties for the rest of her life, boy. You know, she was set. She was looking good, I saying.
:'''Wyatt''': That's the truth, baby.
:'''Gary''': I called her every night for, like, a month. I mean, I talkin' devotion, man.
:'''Mitch''': Every damn night?!
:'''Gary''': Every night, Mitch. I ain't playin' with you.
:'''Mitch''': On the telephone?
:'''Gary''': What this boy talkin' 'bout, on the telephone, man?!
:'''Fats''': Explain it to him!
:'''Gary''': Well, damn, Fats! Goddamn! We know there's a telephone!
:'''Lisa''': But he hung up on her.
:'''Man 1''': Oh, you didn't hang up on her. The chick with those big, big titties?
:'''Gary''': Hey, you. Now, here the capper. You know what the bitch did to me?
:'''Mitch''': Lay it on me.
:'''Gary''': Take this shit on. Listen to what she did to me.
:'''Lisa''': She kneed you in the nuts and called him faggot in front of everyone.
:'''Mitch''': She did what?!
:'''Man 1''': Bitch kneed your nuts?!
:'''Gary''': Bitch kneed my nuts, man! I ain't playin' with ya.
:'''Fats''': In the family jewels?
:'''Gary''': In the family jewels, man!
:'''Wyatt''': Worst pain there is.
:'''Gary''': Broke my heart in two!
:'''Fats''': She broke more than your heart.
:'''Mitch''': You can forget that other one. ''[points to Lisa]'' You got this fine jewel sittin' right over here by you.
:''[everyone else agrees]''
:'''Gary''': Ain't that the truth, baby? That's the clean truth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?
:'''Lucy Wallace''': Oh Gary! Oh my God!
:'''Gary''': Ma, I never tossed off to anything!
:'''Lucy Wallace''': You told me you were combing your hair!
:'''Gary''': I was! I was!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[before the party, Gary, Wyatt, and Lisa wait at the table for the guests]''
:'''Wyatt''': Lisa, you have to promise me that things aren't gonna get outta control.
:'''Lisa''': Wyatt, don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.
:'''Wyatt''': I don't have any friends, Lisa.
:'''Gary''': He doesn't. Boy ain't lyin'.
:''[the doorbell rings]''
:'''Lisa''': You do now.
:''[the three walk up to the door, and Lisa opens it, revealing, to Gary and Wyatt's shock, an entire street full of party guests]''
:'''Lisa''': Hi!
:'''Guests''': HI!!!
:'''One guest''': PARTY!
:'''All guests''': ''[chant]'' Party! Party! Party! Party!
:''[Gary sheepishly waves hello as Wyatt faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wyatt''': Do you think Lisa's having a good time?
:'''Gary''': Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gary and Wyatt have a quick chat in the shower]''
:'''Gary''': I could be wrong, but I think these guys are stoked for us, Wyatt.
:'''Wyatt''': I got that feelin' myself.
:'''Gary''': What do we do?
:'''Wyatt''': I don't know.
:'''Gary''': Should we go for it?
:'''Wyatt''': What about Lisa?
:'''Gary''': She did say we should party.
:'''Wyatt''': Look, let's get on with these two, score points, and go back to Lisa. This is like a dream come true.
:'''Gary''': How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with them in case we get to them later?
:'''Wyatt''': Sounds good.
:'''Gary''': Okay, but whatever happens, we've gotta give Lisa a shot. I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Maybe the girls are lookin' for a long lean bone job from me. Ready to party now?
:'''Wyatt''': 10-4.
:'''Gary''': Let's break.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
:'''Wyatt''': We forgot to hook up the doll.
:'''Lisa''': You forgot to hook up the doll.

== Taglines ==
* It's all in the name of science. Weird Science.
* Something weird is happening at Wyatt and Gary's.
* They went from zeroes to heroes in one fantastic weekend.
* Gary and Wyatt have created the perfect woman. And she'll do anything they say all in the name of science.
* ...it's purely sexual.
* If you can't get a date, make one!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Anthony Michael Hall|Anthony Michael Hall]] - Gary Wallace
* [[w:Kelly LeBrock|Kelly LeBrock]] - Lisa
* [[w:Ilan Mitchell-Smith|Ilan Mitchell-Smith]] - Wyatt Donnelly
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] - Chet Donnelly
* [[w:Suzanne Snyder|Suzanne Snyder]] - Deb
* [[w:Judie Aronson|Judie Aronson]] - Hilly
* [[Robert Downey Jr.]] - Ian 
* [[w:Robert Rusler|Robert Rusler]] - Max
* [[w:Vernon Wells (actor)|Vernon Wells]] - Lord General 
* [[w:Michael Berryman|Michael Berryman]] - Mutant Biker

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0090305|title=Weird Science}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=weird_science|title=Weird Science}}

[[Category:1980s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Teen films]]
[[Category:1985 films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]
[[Category:Films about computing]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Hughes]]
[[Category:Films about artificial intelligence]]

[[ru:Ох, уж эта наука]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Dark Knight (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>87730</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606959</id>
      <parentid>3601939</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:40:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.26.233.148</ip>
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      <origin>3606959</origin>
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      <text bytes="32029" sha1="khaq9ff0wre4nlhbcs6r19bg4z83yvh" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Dark Knight (film)|The Dark Knight]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] British-American superhero action film sequel to [[w:2005 in film|2005]]'s ''[[Batman Begins]]'', based on the comic book character created by [[w:Bob Kane|Bob Kane]] and [[w:Bill Finger|Bill Finger]]. [[Batman (comics)|Batman]] and [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Lieutenant James Gordon]] confront a criminal known as &quot;[[w:Joker (comics)|The Joker]]&quot;. 
: ''Directed by [[Christopher Nolan]]. Written by [[Christopher Nolan]] and [[w:Jonathan Nolan|Jonathan Nolan]]'' and produced by [[w:Emma Thomas|Emma Thomas]], [[w:Charles Roven|Charles Roven]] and [[Christopher Nolan]].
{{center|'''Welcome to a world without rules.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

[[File:Why_so_serious%3F.svg|thumb|'''&quot;Let's put a ''smile'' on that ''face''!&quot;''']]
[[File:San_Diego_Comic-Con_2011_-_The_Jokers_Dark_Knight_costume_%28DC_Comics_booth%29_%285985301735%29.jpg|thumb|You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me, out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness... and I won't kill you, because you're just too much fun! I think you and I are destined to do this forever.]]
[[File:Batsignal at Highmark building.jpg|thumb|''You'll'' hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes…the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.]]

== Harvey Dent/Two-Face ==
* You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
* You think I wanna escape from this? ''There is no escape from this!''
* Have you ever had to talk to the person you love most, tell them it's all going to be alright when you know it's not? Well... you're about to know what that feels like, Gordon. ''Then'', you can look me in the eye and tell me you're sorry.
* Tell your boy it’s going to be alright, Gordon. Lie, like I lied.

== The Joker ==
* ''[to bank manager]'' I believe [[Friedrich Nietzsche#Twilight of the Idols (1888)|whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you...stranger]].

* ''[to Gambol]'' You wanna know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that — not... one... bit! So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says, &quot;Why so serious?&quot; He comes at me with the knife: &quot;Why so serious?&quot; He sticks the blade in my mouth: &quot;Let's put a smile on that face!&quot; And — ''[looks suddenly at Gambol's henchman]'' Why so serious?

* ''[to Batman]'' Don't talk like you’re one of them! You're not, even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out like a leper. See, their &quot;morals,&quot; their &quot;code&quot;? It's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these, ah, &quot;civilized people&quot;? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

* ''[to Dent]'' Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... ''do'' things.

* ''[to Dent]'' You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go &quot;according to plan,&quot; even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang-banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all &quot;part of the plan.&quot; But when I say that one little old mayor will die — well then, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!

== Others ==
* '''Commissioner James Gordon''': Goddammit, will you ''stop pointing that gun at my family?!''

== Dialogue ==
:''[mob bosses are holding a videoconference with Lau to discuss safeguarding their money]''
:'''Sal Maroni:''' How soon can you move the money?
:'''Lau''': I already have. For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe. 
:'''The Joker''': ''[enters laughing sarcastically]'' And I thought ''my'' jokes were bad!
:'''Gambol''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
:'''The Joker''': How about a magic trick? ''[sticks a pencil into the table, point first]'' I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. ''[slams Gambol's henchman's head down upon the pencil, penetrating his eye socket]'' Ta-da! It's— it's gone! Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You ought to know. You bought it! ''[Gambol rises in anger]''
:'''The Chechen''': Sit. I want to hear proposition. ''[Gambol sits down]''
:'''The Joker''': Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean, what happened? Did your – did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see, a guy like me—
:'''Gambol''': A freak! ''[mobsters chuckle]''
:'''The Joker''': ''[annoyed]'' A guy like me— Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy sessions in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night: the Batman. See, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors, unfortunately. Dent? He's just the beginning. And as for, uh, the television's so-called &quot;plan&quot;: Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal! I know the squealers when I see them, and... ''[points at Lau, who turns off his camera]''
:'''The Chechen''': What do you propose?
:'''The Joker''': It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman. ''[the mobsters laugh]''
:'''Sal Maroni''': If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
:'''The Joker''': If you're good at something, never do it for free.
:'''The Chechen''': How much you want?
:'''The Joker''': Uh, half. ''[the mobsters laugh again]''
:'''Gambol''': You're crazy.
:'''The Joker''': I'm not. No, I'm not! If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
:'''Gambol''': ''[slams the table]'' Enough from the clown!
:'''The Joker''': ''[revealing hand grenades under his jacket]'' Ah-ta-ta-ta. Let's not ''blow'' this out of proportion.
:'''Gambol''': You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
:'''The Joker''': Yeah.
:'''Gambol''': I'm putting the word out. Five hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive, so I can teach him some manners first.
:'''The Joker''': All right, so listen. Why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. ''[leaves Joker card on the table, backs out of the room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bruce is about to depart for Hong Kong to capture Lau]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''[glancing at a yacht full of beautiful Russian women]'' If you can tell me the Russian for &quot;Apply your own bloody suntan lotion.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Joker''': We made it! ''[fires a shotgun into the air]'' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question: Where is Harvey Dent? ''[accosting the guests]'' Do you know where Harvey is? Do you know who he is? Do you know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something little, huh? No. You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.
:'''Guest''': We're not intimidated by thugs!
:'''The Joker''': You know, you remind me of my father. ''[grabs him at knifepoint]'' I ''hated'' my father!
:'''Rachel Dawes''': Okay, stop! 
:'''The Joker''': Well hello, beautiful! You must be Harvey's squeeze, hm? And you are beautiful. You look nervous. Is it the scars? Do you want to know how I got 'em?  ''[grabs her face with knife in hand]'' Come here. Look at me! So I had a wife — she was beautiful, like you — who tells me I worry too much, who tells me I ought to smile more, who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. Hey! One day they carve her face. We have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again, hmm?  I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars! So I stick a razor in my mouth and do this to myself, and you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves! Now, I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling! ''[Rachel punches him]'' A little fight in you! I like that.
:'''Batman''': ''[appearing out of nowhere]'' Then you're gonna love me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Feuerkrieg_flag.jpg|thumb|Some men just want to watch the world burn.]]
:''[Bruce is investigating the Joker and his connection to the mob]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They've crossed a line.
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''You'' crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation, and in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.
:'''Bruce''': Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. We just need to figure out what he's after.
:'''Alfred''': With respect, Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man ''you'' don't fully understand either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones, but their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So we went looking for the stones, but in six months, we never met anyone who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.
:'''Bruce''': So why steal them?
:'''Alfred''': Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. '''Some men just want to watch the world burn.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucius Fox''': What can I do for you, Mr. Reese?
:'''Coleman Reese''': You wanted me to do the diligence on the LSA Holdings deal, again. Well, I found some irregularities.
:'''Fox''': Yes, their CEO is in police custody.
:'''Reese''': No, not with their numbers; with ''yours''. Applied Sciences - a whole division of Wayne Enterprises - just disappeared, overnight. I went down to the archives and started pulling some old files. You're not gonna tell me you didn't recognize your baby out there, pancaking cop cars on the evening news. Now you have the entire R&amp;D department burning through cash, claiming that it's related to cell phones for the army? What are you building for him now, a rocket ship? I want $10 million a year, for the rest of my life.
:'''Fox''': Let me get this straight: You think that your client - one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world - is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to blackmail this person?
:''[Reese's smug look falters. Fox chuckles.]''
:'''Fox''': Good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman. He can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make - the right choice.
:'''Bruce''': Well, today I found out what Batman can't do. He can't endure this. Today you get to say &quot;I told you so&quot;.
:'''Alfred''': Today, I don't want to. ''[pause]'' But I did bloody tell you. I suppose they'll lock me up as well, as your accomplice.
:'''Bruce''': Accomplice? I'm gonna tell them the whole thing was your idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman is interrogating Sal Maroni, holding him over a fire escape railing]''
:'''Batman''': I want the Joker.
:'''Sal Maroni''': From one professional to another: If you're trying to scare somebody, pick a better spot. From this height, the fall wouldn't kill me.
:'''Batman''': I'm counting on it. ''[drops Maroni, breaking his leg, then vaults down to him]'' WHERE IS HE?!
:'''Maroni''': I don't know where he is. He found us.
:'''Batman''': He must have friends!
:'''Maroni''': Friends? You ''met'' this guy?
:'''Batman''': Someone knows where he is!
:'''Maroni''': Nobody's gonna tell you nothin'. They're wise to your act. You've got rules. The Joker, he's got no rules. Nobody's gonna cross him for you. You want this guy, you got one way, but you already know what that is: just take off that mask. Let him come find ya. ''[Batman snarls and lets Maroni go]'' Or are you gonna let a couple more people get killed while you make up your mind?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman catches Dent pretending to threaten a man working for the Joker with death based on the flip of his coin (which is actually double-headed)]''
:'''Batman''': ''[snatching the coin]'' You'd leave a man's life to chance?
:'''Harvey Dent''': Not exactly.
:'''Batman''': His name's Schiff, Thomas. He's a paranoid schizophrenic. Former patient at Arkham - the kind of mind the Joker attracts. What do you expect to learn from him?
:'''Dent''': The Joker killed Gordon. He's gonna kill Rachel!
:'''Batman''': You're the symbol of hope I could never be. Your stand against organized crime is the first legitimate ray of light in Gotham in decades. If anyone saw this, everything would be undone. All the criminals you pulled off the streets would be released, and Jim Gordon will have died for nothing. You're going to hold a press conference, tomorrow morning.
:'''Dent''': Why?
:'''Batman''': No one else will die because of me. ''[returns the coin]'' Gotham's in your hands now.
:'''Dent''': ''[as Batman leaves]'' You can't. You can't give in! YOU CAN'T GIVE IN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Where's Dent?
:'''The Joker''': You have all these rules, and you think they'll save you!
:'''Batman''': ''[pins the Joker against a wall]'' I have ''one rule.''
:'''The Joker''': Then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.
:'''Batman''': Which is?
:'''The Joker''': The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. And tonight, you're gonna break your one rule!
:'''Batman''': I'm considering it.
:'''The Joker''': You know, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.
:'''Batman''': &quot;Them&quot;?
:'''The Joker''': You know, for a while there, I thought you really ''were'' Dent. The way you threw yourself after her! ''[laughs cruelly]''
:''[Enraged, Batman flips the Joker backwards onto the table]''
:'''The Joker''': Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his &quot;little bunny&quot;?
:'''Batman''': ''[slams Joker's head into the mirror and punches him]'' WHERE ARE THEY?!
:'''The Joker''': Killing is making a choice!
:'''Batman''': ''[punches him again]'' WHERE ARE THEY?!
:'''The Joker''': Choose between one life or the other: your friend the District Attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be! ''[whoops with laugher as Batman punches him again]'' You have ''nothing!'' Nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength! ''[Batman grabs Joker up by the collars]'' But don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are! Both of them, and that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52nd Street, and she's on Avenue X at Cicero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': That bandit, in the forest in Burma...did you catch him? 
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Yes.
:'''Bruce''': How?
:'''Alfred''': We burned the forest down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:''[Gordon visits Dent in the hospital; Dent's head is turned sideways against his pillow, away from Gordon, to show only the intact right side of his face]''
:'''James Gordon''': I'm sorry about Rachel. The doctor says you’re in agonizing pain, but won't accept medication. That you're refusing to accept skin grafts.
:'''Harvey Dent''': Remember that name you all had for me when I was in Internal Affairs? What was it, Gordon?
:'''Gordon''': Harvey, I—
:'''Dent''': Say it...SAY IT!
:'''Gordon''': Two-Face. Harvey Two-Face.
:'''Dent''': Why should I hide who I am?
:'''Gordon''': I know you tried to warn me. I'm sorry. Wuertz picked you up. Was he working for them? You know who picked up Rachel? Harvey, I need to know which of my men I can trust.
:'''Dent''': Why would you listen to me now?
:'''Gordon''': I'm sorry, Harvey.
:'''Dent''': ''[turning to reveal the burned left side of his face]'' No. No, you're not. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Joker meets the Chechen in a warehouse; Lau is tied up on the top of a pile of cash]''
:'''The Chechen''': No so crazy as you look.
:'''The Joker''': I told you, I'm a man of my word. ''[slides down the pile]'' Where's the Italian? ''[throws some cash, hitting Lau]''
:'''The Chechen''': Wait, Joker man. What you do with all your money?
:'''The Joker''': You see, I'm a guy of simple taste. I enjoy, uh, dynamite, and gunpowder, and gasoline! ''[Joker's men douse the pile with gasoline]''
:'''The Chechen''': What the—
:'''The Joker''': ''[brandishes pistol]'' Ah-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing that they have in common? They're cheap.
:'''The Chechen''': You said you were a man of your word.
:'''The Joker''': Oh, I am. ''[takes Chechen's cigar, blows on the end]'' I'm only burning my half. ''[throws cigar onto the pile, setting it ablaze]'' All you care about is money. This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to 'em. Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.
:'''The Chechen''': They won't work for a freak!
:'''The Joker''': ''[mocking the Chechen’s accent]'' &quot;Freak&quot;… ''[throws a knife to his men; they drag the Chechen away]'' Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is! It's not about money. It's about sending a message. Everything burns!

&lt;hr with=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wuertz is in a bar, watching news coverage of the chaos caused by the Joker]''
:'''Bartender''': I got to take a leak. Keep an eye out for me, will you? ''[goes to bathroom]''
:'''Wuertz''': ''[after a pause]'' Now what? You need someone to shake it for you?
:'''Two-Face''': ''[appearing suddenly]'' Hello.
:'''Wuertz''': Dent! Jesus! I— I thought you was dead!
:'''Two-Face''': ''Half.'' ''[downs Wuertz's drink, then aims a revolver at him]'' Who picked up Rachel, Wuertz?
:'''Wuertz''': Must have been Maroni's men.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[slams his hand on the counter]'' Shut up! Are you telling me that you're gonna protect the other traitor in Gordon's unit?
:'''Wuertz''': I don't know! He never told me! Listen, Dent, I-I swear to God, I didn't know what they were gonna do to you!
:'''Two-Face''': Huh. That's funny, ''[spins his coin on the counter]'' 'cause I don't know what's gonna happen to you either. ''[it lands scarred side up; he kills Wuertz]''

&lt;hr with=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maroni gets into his limousine]''
:'''Maroni''': ''[to driver]'' Don't stop for lights, cops, nothin'. ''[sees Two-Face next to him in the back seat]''
:'''Two-Face''': Going to join your wife? You love her?
:'''Maroni''': Yes.
:'''Two-Face''': You ever imagine what it would be like to listen to her die?
:'''Maroni''': Look, take it up with the Joker, huh? He killed your woman. He made you like this.
:'''Two-Face''': The Joker's just a mad dog. I want whoever let him off the leash. I took care of Wuertz, but who was your other man inside Gordon's unit? Who picked up Rachel? Must have been someone she trusted.
:'''Maroni''': Look, if I tell you, you'll let me go?
:'''Two-Face''': It can't hurt your chances.
:'''Maroni''': It was Ramirez. ''[Two-Face cocks his gun]'' But you said—
:'''Two-Face''': I said it couldn't hurt your chances. ''[flips his coin; it lands clean side up]'' You're a lucky man. ''[flips again; scarred side up]'' But he's not.
:'''Maroni''': Who?
:'''Two-Face''': ''[buckles seat belt]'' Your driver.
:''[shoots driver; the car crashes, killing Maroni]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Joker''': We really should stop this fighting. Otherwise we'll miss the fireworks.
:'''Batman''': There won't be any fireworks!
:'''The Joker''': And here we go! ''[shocked by silence as the clock passes midnight without either ferry destroyed]''
:'''Batman''': What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!
:'''The Joker''': Can't rely on anyone these days. You got to do everything yourself. Don't we? ''[pulls out another detonator]'' That's okay. I came prepared. It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, you know how I got these scars?
:'''Batman''': No, but I know how you got these! ''[fires gauntlet blades into the Joker's face and throws him off the building, then hoists him back up]''
:'''The Joker''': Ah, you! You just couldn't let me go, could you? '''This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.''' You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness, and I won't kill you because you're just too much fun! I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
:'''Batman''': You'll be in a padded cell forever!
:'''The Joker''': Maybe we could share one. You know, they'll be doubling up at the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
:'''Batman''': This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
:'''The Joker''': Until their spirit breaks completely! Until they get a good look at the ''real'' Harvey Dent, huh? And all the heroic things ''he's'' done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
:'''Batman''': What did you do?
:'''The Joker''': I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. See, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little ''push!'' 
:''[Batman leaves, and the Joker laughs hysterically as he is taken into custody]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.
:'''Two-Face''': It's not about what I want. It's about what's ''fair''! You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time, but you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance — unbiased, unprejudiced, fair. His son has the same chance she had. [''shows both sides of his coin''] Fifty-fifty.
:'''Batman''': What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act — we three.
:'''Two-Face''': Then why was it me who was only one who lost everything?
:'''Batman''': ...It wasn't.
:'''Two-Face''': The Joker chose me!
:'''Batman''': Because you were the best of us! He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall!
:'''Two-Face''': And he was right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Gordon''': The Joker won. All of Harvey's prosecutions, everything he fought for: undone. Whatever chance you gave us of fixing our city dies with Harvey's reputation. We bet it all on him. The Joker took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope.
:'''Batman''': They won't. They must never know what he did.
:'''Gordon''': Five dead, two of them cops? You can't sweep that up.
:'''Batman''': But the Joker cannot win. Gotham needs its true hero.
:'''Gordon''': No!
:'''Batman''': &quot;You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.&quot; I can do those things, because I'm not a hero, not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.
:'''Gordon''': No. No, you can't. You're not!
:'''Batman''': I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be. Call it in.
:'''Gordon''': ''[speaking at Dent's funeral]'' ...A hero. Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed. Nothing less than a knight, shining...
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Batman]'' We'll hunt you.
: '''Batman''': You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the dogs on me, because that's what needs to happen, because sometimes truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded. ''[runs]''
: '''Gordon's Son''': Batman? Batman! Why is he running, Dad?
:'''Gordon''': Because we have to chase him.
:'''Police sergeant''': Okay, we're going in. Go! Go! Move!
: '''Gordon's Son''': He didn't do anything wrong.
:'''Gordon''': Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it, because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian — a watchful protector — '''a dark knight'''.

== About ''The Dark Knight (film)''  ==
[[File:The_Dark_Knight_European_Premier_-_Leicester_square.jpg|thumb|* As we looked through the comics, there was this fascinating idea that Batman's presence in Gotham actually attracts criminals to Gotham, [it] attracts lunacy. When you're dealing with questionable notions like people taking the law into their own hands, you have to really ask, where does that lead? That's what makes the character so dark, because he expresses a vengeful desire. ~ Chris Nolan]]

* Breaking from a more sprightly, brightly-colored tradition of comic book films best exemplified by Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man pictures, Nolan nudged the genre in the direction of hard realism. Bale’s Batman doesn’t behave like a valiant defender of the defenseless, rather like a hard-nosed cop unencumbered by legal codes of conduct. The Joker, a role that enshrined Heath Ledger in myth following his untimely passing, is no mere super villain, either. He’s an ideological deviant, referred to at least once in the script directly as a “terrorist”, compelled only by the love of violence and chaos. His agenda is chilling in its indifference; he gleefully sets a mountain of money ablaze in full view of the crooks he took it from, just to show them that this is a war fought on principle. He’s the closest thing to nuance that the DC rogues’ gallery has ever seen, and characteristic of a film founded in social theory. The Joker’s grand evil scheme? Sociology thought experiments … made real!
** Justin Chang, [https://variety.com/2008/film/markets-festivals/the-dark-knight-4-1200508584/ “Film Review: ‘The Dark Knight’&quot;], ''Variety'', (July 6, 2008).
* Pitched at the divide between art and industry, poetry and entertainment, it goes darker and deeper than any Hollywood movie of its comic-book. 
** Manohla Dargis as quoted by Kermode, Mark (July 25, 2008). &quot;Mark Kermode reviews 'The Dark Knight' - BBC 5 Live&quot;. 'Kermode and Mayo's Film Review' YouTube channel. Retrieved August 29, 2014.
* “Batman” isn’t a comic book anymore. Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight” is a haunted film that leaps beyond its origins and becomes an engrossing tragedy. It creates characters we come to care about. That’s because of the performances, because of the direction, because of the writing, and because of the superlative technical quality of the entire production. This film, and to a lesser degree “Iron Man,” redefine the possibilities of the “comic-book movie.”  &lt;BR&gt; “The Dark Knight” is not a simplistic tale of good and evil. Batman is good, yes, The Joker is evil, yes. But Batman poses a more complex puzzle than usual: The citizens of Gotham City are in an uproar, calling him a vigilante and blaming him for the deaths of policemen and others. And the Joker is more than a villain. He’s a Mephistopheles whose actions are fiendishly designed to pose moral dilemmas for his enemies. &lt;br&gt; The key performance in the movie is by the late Heath Ledger, as the Joker. Will he become the first posthumous Oscar winner since Peter Finch? His Joker draws power from the actual inspiration of the character in the silent classic “The Man Who Laughs” (1928). His clown's makeup more sloppy than before, his cackle betraying deep wounds, he seeks revenge, he claims, for the horrible punishment his father exacted on him when he was a child
** [[Roger Ebert]], [HTTPS://WWW.ROGEREBERT.COM/REVIEWS/THE-DARK-KNIGHT-2008 “DARK KNIGHT”], ''Rogerebert.com'',  (July 16, 2008).
* More important than this, however, is the idea that Batman is not just a guy in a suit, but a symbol and there are people in the film most notably The Joker who want to destroy that symbol. While Batman's identity remains secret and his motives unknown to Gothamites, he represents hope in a city that has little to spare and embodies a pursuit of justice and further, a code of behavior that quite literally threatens these criminals' way of life. By throwing Gotham into chaos and testing the limits to which Batman holds himself, The Joker is not merely plying death and destruction but willfully destroying the philosophical foundations of organized society. The closest such examination another comic book-oriented film has ever attempted was the emotional throughline of the Spider-Man films. Peter Parker's struggle was almost exclusively personal, whereas Wayne not only has to find a way to maintain his moral compass, but consider what the repercussions of his heroism are to both the public and the criminals themselves. 
** Todd Gilchrist, [https://www.ign.com/articles/2008/06/30/the-dark-knight-review The Dark Knight&quot;], ''IGN'', 30 JUN 2008.
* The Dark Knight is that most uncommon of movie sequels, as virtuous as [[The Godfather Part II|The Godfather II]] or [[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]: it doesn't just expand a previous storyline, it immeasurably enriches it by adding shadings of character development and moral complexity that were only hinted at in [[Batman Begins]], the 2005 series rethink by director Christopher Nolan, who rescued [[Bob Kane]]'s comic book creation from camp hell. 
** Peter Howell, [https://www.thestar.com/entertainment/movies/2008/07/17/the_dark_knight_superior_sequel.html 'The Dark Knight': Superior sequel&quot;], (July 17, 2008).

== Taglines ==
[[File:The_Dark_Knight_Tumbler_at_European_Premiere.jpg|thumb|200px|Can you avenge evil without becoming it?]]
[[File:Batpod.jpg|thumb|200px|Out of the darkness…comes the Knight.]]
* Why So Serious?
* I believe in Harvey Dent.
* Welcome to a world without rules.
* Can you avenge evil without becoming it?
* Out of the darkness…comes the Knight.
* I'm an agent of chaos.
* I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... stranger.
* If you are good at something never do it for free.
* Some men just want to watch the world burn.

== Cast ==
* [[Christian Bale]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Bruce Wayne|Bruce Wayne]]/[[w:Batman|Batman]]
* [[Heath Ledger]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Joker (The Dark Knight)|The Joker]]
* [[w:Aaron Eckhart|Aaron Eckhart]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Two-Face|Harvey Dent/Two-Face]]
* [[Michael Caine]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[Gary Oldman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Lieutenant/Commissioner James Gordon]]
* [[Maggie Gyllenhaal]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Rachel Dawes|Rachel Dawes]]
* [[Morgan Freeman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Lucius Fox|Lucius Fox]]
* [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Sal Maroni|Sal Maroni]]
* [[w:Ng Chin Han|Ng Chin Han]] as Lau
* [[w:Ritchie Coster|Ritchie Coster]] as Chechen

== See also ==
* ''[[Batman Begins]]''
* ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]''

== External links ==
*{{official|http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com}}
*{{imdb title|id=0468569}}
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{Commonscat-inline|The Dark Knight}}

{{Batman}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Dark Knight, The}}
[[Category:2008 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Batman films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Neo-noir]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Joker films]]
[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Christopher Nolan]]
[[Category:The Dark Knight Trilogy]]
[[Category:Films about psychopaths]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Dark Knight (film)|The Dark Knight]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] superhero film sequel to [[w:2005 in film|2005]]'s ''[[Batman Begins]]'', based on the comic book character created by [[w:Bob Kane|Bob Kane]] and [[w:Bill Finger|Bill Finger]]. [[Batman (comics)|Batman]] and [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Lieutenant James Gordon]] confront a criminal known as &quot;[[w:Joker (comics)|The Joker]]&quot;. 
: ''Directed by [[Christopher Nolan]]. Written by [[Christopher Nolan]] and [[w:Jonathan Nolan|Jonathan Nolan]].''
{{center|'''Welcome to a world without rules.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

[[File:Why_so_serious%3F.svg|thumb|'''&quot;Let's put a ''smile'' on that ''face''!&quot;''']]
[[File:San_Diego_Comic-Con_2011_-_The_Jokers_Dark_Knight_costume_%28DC_Comics_booth%29_%285985301735%29.jpg|thumb|You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me, out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness... and I won't kill you, because you're just too much fun! I think you and I are destined to do this forever.]]
[[File:Batsignal at Highmark building.jpg|thumb|''You'll'' hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes…the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.]]

== Harvey Dent/Two-Face ==
* You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
* You think I wanna escape from this? ''There is no escape from this!''
* Have you ever had to talk to the person you love most, tell them it's all going to be alright when you know it's not? Well... you're about to know what that feels like, Gordon. ''Then'', you can look me in the eye and tell me you're sorry.
* Tell your boy it’s going to be alright, Gordon. Lie, like I lied.

== The Joker ==
* ''[to bank manager]'' I believe [[Friedrich Nietzsche#Twilight of the Idols (1888)|whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you...stranger]].

* ''[to Gambol]'' You wanna know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that — not... one... bit! So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says, &quot;Why so serious?&quot; He comes at me with the knife: &quot;Why so serious?&quot; He sticks the blade in my mouth: &quot;Let's put a smile on that face!&quot; And — ''[looks suddenly at Gambol's henchman]'' Why so serious?

* ''[to Batman]'' Don't talk like you’re one of them! You're not, even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out like a leper. See, their &quot;morals,&quot; their &quot;code&quot;? It's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these, ah, &quot;civilized people&quot;? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

* ''[to Dent]'' Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... ''do'' things.

* ''[to Dent]'' You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go &quot;according to plan,&quot; even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang-banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all &quot;part of the plan.&quot; But when I say that one little old mayor will die — well then, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!

== Others ==
* '''Commissioner James Gordon''': Goddammit, will you ''stop pointing that gun at my family?!''

== Dialogue ==
:''[mob bosses are holding a videoconference with Lau to discuss safeguarding their money]''
:'''Sal Maroni:''' How soon can you move the money?
:'''Lau''': I already have. For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe. 
:'''The Joker''': ''[enters laughing sarcastically]'' And I thought ''my'' jokes were bad!
:'''Gambol''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
:'''The Joker''': How about a magic trick? ''[sticks a pencil into the table, point first]'' I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. ''[slams Gambol's henchman's head down upon the pencil, penetrating his eye socket]'' Ta-da! It's— it's gone! Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You ought to know. You bought it! ''[Gambol rises in anger]''
:'''The Chechen''': Sit. I want to hear proposition. ''[Gambol sits down]''
:'''The Joker''': Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean, what happened? Did your – did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see, a guy like me—
:'''Gambol''': A freak! ''[mobsters chuckle]''
:'''The Joker''': ''[annoyed]'' A guy like me— Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy sessions in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night: the Batman. See, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors, unfortunately. Dent? He's just the beginning. And as for, uh, the television's so-called &quot;plan&quot;: Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal! I know the squealers when I see them, and... ''[points at Lau, who turns off his camera]''
:'''The Chechen''': What do you propose?
:'''The Joker''': It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman. ''[the mobsters laugh]''
:'''Sal Maroni''': If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
:'''The Joker''': If you're good at something, never do it for free.
:'''The Chechen''': How much you want?
:'''The Joker''': Uh, half. ''[the mobsters laugh again]''
:'''Gambol''': You're crazy.
:'''The Joker''': I'm not. No, I'm not! If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
:'''Gambol''': ''[slams the table]'' Enough from the clown!
:'''The Joker''': ''[revealing hand grenades under his jacket]'' Ah-ta-ta-ta. Let's not ''blow'' this out of proportion.
:'''Gambol''': You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
:'''The Joker''': Yeah.
:'''Gambol''': I'm putting the word out. Five hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive, so I can teach him some manners first.
:'''The Joker''': All right, so listen. Why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. ''[leaves Joker card on the table, backs out of the room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bruce is about to depart for Hong Kong to capture Lau]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''[glancing at a yacht full of beautiful Russian women]'' If you can tell me the Russian for &quot;Apply your own bloody suntan lotion.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Joker''': We made it! ''[fires a shotgun into the air]'' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question: Where is Harvey Dent? ''[accosting the guests]'' Do you know where Harvey is? Do you know who he is? Do you know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something little, huh? No. You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.
:'''Guest''': We're not intimidated by thugs!
:'''The Joker''': You know, you remind me of my father. ''[grabs him at knifepoint]'' I ''hated'' my father!
:'''Rachel Dawes''': Okay, stop! 
:'''The Joker''': Well hello, beautiful! You must be Harvey's squeeze, hm? And you are beautiful. You look nervous. Is it the scars? Do you want to know how I got 'em?  ''[grabs her face with knife in hand]'' Come here. Look at me! So I had a wife — she was beautiful, like you — who tells me I worry too much, who tells me I ought to smile more, who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. Hey! One day they carve her face. We have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again, hmm?  I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars! So I stick a razor in my mouth and do this to myself, and you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves! Now, I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling! ''[Rachel punches him]'' A little fight in you! I like that.
:'''Batman''': ''[appearing out of nowhere]'' Then you're gonna love me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Feuerkrieg_flag.jpg|thumb|Some men just want to watch the world burn.]]
:''[Bruce is investigating the Joker and his connection to the mob]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They've crossed a line.
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''You'' crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation, and in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.
:'''Bruce''': Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. We just need to figure out what he's after.
:'''Alfred''': With respect, Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man ''you'' don't fully understand either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones, but their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So we went looking for the stones, but in six months, we never met anyone who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.
:'''Bruce''': So why steal them?
:'''Alfred''': Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. '''Some men just want to watch the world burn.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucius Fox''': What can I do for you, Mr. Reese?
:'''Coleman Reese''': You wanted me to do the diligence on the LSA Holdings deal, again. Well, I found some irregularities.
:'''Fox''': Yes, their CEO is in police custody.
:'''Reese''': No, not with their numbers; with ''yours''. Applied Sciences - a whole division of Wayne Enterprises - just disappeared, overnight. I went down to the archives and started pulling some old files. You're not gonna tell me you didn't recognize your baby out there, pancaking cop cars on the evening news. Now you have the entire R&amp;D department burning through cash, claiming that it's related to cell phones for the army? What are you building for him now, a rocket ship? I want $10 million a year, for the rest of my life.
:'''Fox''': Let me get this straight: You think that your client - one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world - is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to blackmail this person?
:''[Reese's smug look falters. Fox chuckles.]''
:'''Fox''': Good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman. He can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make - the right choice.
:'''Bruce''': Well, today I found out what Batman can't do. He can't endure this. Today you get to say &quot;I told you so&quot;.
:'''Alfred''': Today, I don't want to. ''[pause]'' But I did bloody tell you. I suppose they'll lock me up as well, as your accomplice.
:'''Bruce''': Accomplice? I'm gonna tell them the whole thing was your idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman is interrogating Sal Maroni, holding him over a fire escape railing]''
:'''Batman''': I want the Joker.
:'''Sal Maroni''': From one professional to another: If you're trying to scare somebody, pick a better spot. From this height, the fall wouldn't kill me.
:'''Batman''': I'm counting on it. ''[drops Maroni, breaking his leg, then vaults down to him]'' WHERE IS HE?!
:'''Maroni''': I don't know where he is. He found us.
:'''Batman''': He must have friends!
:'''Maroni''': Friends? You ''met'' this guy?
:'''Batman''': Someone knows where he is!
:'''Maroni''': Nobody's gonna tell you nothin'. They're wise to your act. You've got rules. The Joker, he's got no rules. Nobody's gonna cross him for you. You want this guy, you got one way, but you already know what that is: just take off that mask. Let him come find ya. ''[Batman snarls and lets Maroni go]'' Or are you gonna let a couple more people get killed while you make up your mind?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Batman catches Dent pretending to threaten a man working for the Joker with death based on the flip of his coin (which is actually double-headed)]''
:'''Batman''': ''[snatching the coin]'' You'd leave a man's life to chance?
:'''Harvey Dent''': Not exactly.
:'''Batman''': His name's Schiff, Thomas. He's a paranoid schizophrenic. Former patient at Arkham - the kind of mind the Joker attracts. What do you expect to learn from him?
:'''Dent''': The Joker killed Gordon. He's gonna kill Rachel!
:'''Batman''': You're the symbol of hope I could never be. Your stand against organized crime is the first legitimate ray of light in Gotham in decades. If anyone saw this, everything would be undone. All the criminals you pulled off the streets would be released, and Jim Gordon will have died for nothing. You're going to hold a press conference, tomorrow morning.
:'''Dent''': Why?
:'''Batman''': No one else will die because of me. ''[returns the coin]'' Gotham's in your hands now.
:'''Dent''': ''[as Batman leaves]'' You can't. You can't give in! YOU CAN'T GIVE IN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Where's Dent?
:'''The Joker''': You have all these rules, and you think they'll save you!
:'''Batman''': ''[pins the Joker against a wall]'' I have ''one rule.''
:'''The Joker''': Then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.
:'''Batman''': Which is?
:'''The Joker''': The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. And tonight, you're gonna break your one rule!
:'''Batman''': I'm considering it.
:'''The Joker''': You know, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.
:'''Batman''': &quot;Them&quot;?
:'''The Joker''': You know, for a while there, I thought you really ''were'' Dent. The way you threw yourself after her! ''[laughs cruelly]''
:''[Enraged, Batman flips the Joker backwards onto the table]''
:'''The Joker''': Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his &quot;little bunny&quot;?
:'''Batman''': ''[slams Joker's head into the mirror and punches him]'' WHERE ARE THEY?!
:'''The Joker''': Killing is making a choice!
:'''Batman''': ''[punches him again]'' WHERE ARE THEY?!
:'''The Joker''': Choose between one life or the other: your friend the District Attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be! ''[whoops with laugher as Batman punches him again]'' You have ''nothing!'' Nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength! ''[Batman grabs Joker up by the collars]'' But don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are! Both of them, and that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52nd Street, and she's on Avenue X at Cicero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': That bandit, in the forest in Burma...did you catch him? 
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Yes.
:'''Bruce''': How?
:'''Alfred''': We burned the forest down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:''[Gordon visits Dent in the hospital; Dent's head is turned sideways against his pillow, away from Gordon, to show only the intact right side of his face]''
:'''James Gordon''': I'm sorry about Rachel. The doctor says you’re in agonizing pain, but won't accept medication. That you're refusing to accept skin grafts.
:'''Harvey Dent''': Remember that name you all had for me when I was in Internal Affairs? What was it, Gordon?
:'''Gordon''': Harvey, I—
:'''Dent''': Say it...SAY IT!
:'''Gordon''': Two-Face. Harvey Two-Face.
:'''Dent''': Why should I hide who I am?
:'''Gordon''': I know you tried to warn me. I'm sorry. Wuertz picked you up. Was he working for them? You know who picked up Rachel? Harvey, I need to know which of my men I can trust.
:'''Dent''': Why would you listen to me now?
:'''Gordon''': I'm sorry, Harvey.
:'''Dent''': ''[turning to reveal the burned left side of his face]'' No. No, you're not. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Joker meets the Chechen in a warehouse; Lau is tied up on the top of a pile of cash]''
:'''The Chechen''': No so crazy as you look.
:'''The Joker''': I told you, I'm a man of my word. ''[slides down the pile]'' Where's the Italian? ''[throws some cash, hitting Lau]''
:'''The Chechen''': Wait, Joker man. What you do with all your money?
:'''The Joker''': You see, I'm a guy of simple taste. I enjoy, uh, dynamite, and gunpowder, and gasoline! ''[Joker's men douse the pile with gasoline]''
:'''The Chechen''': What the—
:'''The Joker''': ''[brandishes pistol]'' Ah-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing that they have in common? They're cheap.
:'''The Chechen''': You said you were a man of your word.
:'''The Joker''': Oh, I am. ''[takes Chechen's cigar, blows on the end]'' I'm only burning my half. ''[throws cigar onto the pile, setting it ablaze]'' All you care about is money. This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to 'em. Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.
:'''The Chechen''': They won't work for a freak!
:'''The Joker''': ''[mocking the Chechen’s accent]'' &quot;Freak&quot;… ''[throws a knife to his men; they drag the Chechen away]'' Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is! It's not about money. It's about sending a message. Everything burns!

&lt;hr with=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wuertz is in a bar, watching news coverage of the chaos caused by the Joker]''
:'''Bartender''': I got to take a leak. Keep an eye out for me, will you? ''[goes to bathroom]''
:'''Wuertz''': ''[after a pause]'' Now what? You need someone to shake it for you?
:'''Two-Face''': ''[appearing suddenly]'' Hello.
:'''Wuertz''': Dent! Jesus! I— I thought you was dead!
:'''Two-Face''': ''Half.'' ''[downs Wuertz's drink, then aims a revolver at him]'' Who picked up Rachel, Wuertz?
:'''Wuertz''': Must have been Maroni's men.
:'''Two-Face''': ''[slams his hand on the counter]'' Shut up! Are you telling me that you're gonna protect the other traitor in Gordon's unit?
:'''Wuertz''': I don't know! He never told me! Listen, Dent, I-I swear to God, I didn't know what they were gonna do to you!
:'''Two-Face''': Huh. That's funny, ''[spins his coin on the counter]'' 'cause I don't know what's gonna happen to you either. ''[it lands scarred side up; he kills Wuertz]''

&lt;hr with=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Maroni gets into his limousine]''
:'''Maroni''': ''[to driver]'' Don't stop for lights, cops, nothin'. ''[sees Two-Face next to him in the back seat]''
:'''Two-Face''': Going to join your wife? You love her?
:'''Maroni''': Yes.
:'''Two-Face''': You ever imagine what it would be like to listen to her die?
:'''Maroni''': Look, take it up with the Joker, huh? He killed your woman. He made you like this.
:'''Two-Face''': The Joker's just a mad dog. I want whoever let him off the leash. I took care of Wuertz, but who was your other man inside Gordon's unit? Who picked up Rachel? Must have been someone she trusted.
:'''Maroni''': Look, if I tell you, you'll let me go?
:'''Two-Face''': It can't hurt your chances.
:'''Maroni''': It was Ramirez. ''[Two-Face cocks his gun]'' But you said—
:'''Two-Face''': I said it couldn't hurt your chances. ''[flips his coin; it lands clean side up]'' You're a lucky man. ''[flips again; scarred side up]'' But he's not.
:'''Maroni''': Who?
:'''Two-Face''': ''[buckles seat belt]'' Your driver.
:''[shoots driver; the car crashes, killing Maroni]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Joker''': We really should stop this fighting. Otherwise we'll miss the fireworks.
:'''Batman''': There won't be any fireworks!
:'''The Joker''': And here we go! ''[shocked by silence as the clock passes midnight without either ferry destroyed]''
:'''Batman''': What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!
:'''The Joker''': Can't rely on anyone these days. You got to do everything yourself. Don't we? ''[pulls out another detonator]'' That's okay. I came prepared. It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, you know how I got these scars?
:'''Batman''': No, but I know how you got these! ''[fires gauntlet blades into the Joker's face and throws him off the building, then hoists him back up]''
:'''The Joker''': Ah, you! You just couldn't let me go, could you? '''This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.''' You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness, and I won't kill you because you're just too much fun! I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
:'''Batman''': You'll be in a padded cell forever!
:'''The Joker''': Maybe we could share one. You know, they'll be doubling up at the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
:'''Batman''': This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
:'''The Joker''': Until their spirit breaks completely! Until they get a good look at the ''real'' Harvey Dent, huh? And all the heroic things ''he's'' done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
:'''Batman''': What did you do?
:'''The Joker''': I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. See, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little ''push!'' 
:''[Batman leaves, and the Joker laughs hysterically as he is taken into custody]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.
:'''Two-Face''': It's not about what I want. It's about what's ''fair''! You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time, but you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance — unbiased, unprejudiced, fair. His son has the same chance she had. [''shows both sides of his coin''] Fifty-fifty.
:'''Batman''': What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act — we three.
:'''Two-Face''': Then why was it me who was only one who lost everything?
:'''Batman''': ...It wasn't.
:'''Two-Face''': The Joker chose me!
:'''Batman''': Because you were the best of us! He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall!
:'''Two-Face''': And he was right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''James Gordon''': The Joker won. All of Harvey's prosecutions, everything he fought for: undone. Whatever chance you gave us of fixing our city dies with Harvey's reputation. We bet it all on him. The Joker took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope.
:'''Batman''': They won't. They must never know what he did.
:'''Gordon''': Five dead, two of them cops? You can't sweep that up.
:'''Batman''': But the Joker cannot win. Gotham needs its true hero.
:'''Gordon''': No!
:'''Batman''': &quot;You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.&quot; I can do those things, because I'm not a hero, not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be.
:'''Gordon''': No. No, you can't. You're not!
:'''Batman''': I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be. Call it in.
:'''Gordon''': ''[speaking at Dent's funeral]'' ...A hero. Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed. Nothing less than a knight, shining...
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Batman]'' We'll hunt you.
: '''Batman''': You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the dogs on me, because that's what needs to happen, because sometimes truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded. ''[runs]''
: '''Gordon's Son''': Batman? Batman! Why is he running, Dad?
:'''Gordon''': Because we have to chase him.
:'''Police sergeant''': Okay, we're going in. Go! Go! Move!
: '''Gordon's Son''': He didn't do anything wrong.
:'''Gordon''': Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it, because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian — a watchful protector — '''a dark knight'''.

== About ''The Dark Knight (film)''  ==
[[File:The_Dark_Knight_European_Premier_-_Leicester_square.jpg|thumb|* As we looked through the comics, there was this fascinating idea that Batman's presence in Gotham actually attracts criminals to Gotham, [it] attracts lunacy. When you're dealing with questionable notions like people taking the law into their own hands, you have to really ask, where does that lead? That's what makes the character so dark, because he expresses a vengeful desire. ~ Chris Nolan]]

* Breaking from a more sprightly, brightly-colored tradition of comic book films best exemplified by Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man pictures, Nolan nudged the genre in the direction of hard realism. Bale’s Batman doesn’t behave like a valiant defender of the defenseless, rather like a hard-nosed cop unencumbered by legal codes of conduct. The Joker, a role that enshrined Heath Ledger in myth following his untimely passing, is no mere super villain, either. He’s an ideological deviant, referred to at least once in the script directly as a “terrorist”, compelled only by the love of violence and chaos. His agenda is chilling in its indifference; he gleefully sets a mountain of money ablaze in full view of the crooks he took it from, just to show them that this is a war fought on principle. He’s the closest thing to nuance that the DC rogues’ gallery has ever seen, and characteristic of a film founded in social theory. The Joker’s grand evil scheme? Sociology thought experiments … made real!
** Justin Chang, [https://variety.com/2008/film/markets-festivals/the-dark-knight-4-1200508584/ “Film Review: ‘The Dark Knight’&quot;], ''Variety'', (July 6, 2008).
* Pitched at the divide between art and industry, poetry and entertainment, it goes darker and deeper than any Hollywood movie of its comic-book. 
** Manohla Dargis as quoted by Kermode, Mark (July 25, 2008). &quot;Mark Kermode reviews 'The Dark Knight' - BBC 5 Live&quot;. 'Kermode and Mayo's Film Review' YouTube channel. Retrieved August 29, 2014.
* “Batman” isn’t a comic book anymore. Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight” is a haunted film that leaps beyond its origins and becomes an engrossing tragedy. It creates characters we come to care about. That’s because of the performances, because of the direction, because of the writing, and because of the superlative technical quality of the entire production. This film, and to a lesser degree “Iron Man,” redefine the possibilities of the “comic-book movie.”  &lt;BR&gt; “The Dark Knight” is not a simplistic tale of good and evil. Batman is good, yes, The Joker is evil, yes. But Batman poses a more complex puzzle than usual: The citizens of Gotham City are in an uproar, calling him a vigilante and blaming him for the deaths of policemen and others. And the Joker is more than a villain. He’s a Mephistopheles whose actions are fiendishly designed to pose moral dilemmas for his enemies. &lt;br&gt; The key performance in the movie is by the late Heath Ledger, as the Joker. Will he become the first posthumous Oscar winner since Peter Finch? His Joker draws power from the actual inspiration of the character in the silent classic “The Man Who Laughs” (1928). His clown's makeup more sloppy than before, his cackle betraying deep wounds, he seeks revenge, he claims, for the horrible punishment his father exacted on him when he was a child
** [[Roger Ebert]], [HTTPS://WWW.ROGEREBERT.COM/REVIEWS/THE-DARK-KNIGHT-2008 “DARK KNIGHT”], ''Rogerebert.com'',  (July 16, 2008).
* More important than this, however, is the idea that Batman is not just a guy in a suit, but a symbol and there are people in the film most notably The Joker who want to destroy that symbol. While Batman's identity remains secret and his motives unknown to Gothamites, he represents hope in a city that has little to spare and embodies a pursuit of justice and further, a code of behavior that quite literally threatens these criminals' way of life. By throwing Gotham into chaos and testing the limits to which Batman holds himself, The Joker is not merely plying death and destruction but willfully destroying the philosophical foundations of organized society. The closest such examination another comic book-oriented film has ever attempted was the emotional throughline of the Spider-Man films. Peter Parker's struggle was almost exclusively personal, whereas Wayne not only has to find a way to maintain his moral compass, but consider what the repercussions of his heroism are to both the public and the criminals themselves. 
** Todd Gilchrist, [https://www.ign.com/articles/2008/06/30/the-dark-knight-review The Dark Knight&quot;], ''IGN'', 30 JUN 2008.
* The Dark Knight is that most uncommon of movie sequels, as virtuous as [[The Godfather Part II|The Godfather II]] or [[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]: it doesn't just expand a previous storyline, it immeasurably enriches it by adding shadings of character development and moral complexity that were only hinted at in [[Batman Begins]], the 2005 series rethink by director Christopher Nolan, who rescued [[Bob Kane]]'s comic book creation from camp hell. 
** Peter Howell, [https://www.thestar.com/entertainment/movies/2008/07/17/the_dark_knight_superior_sequel.html 'The Dark Knight': Superior sequel&quot;], (July 17, 2008).

== Taglines ==
[[File:The_Dark_Knight_Tumbler_at_European_Premiere.jpg|thumb|200px|Can you avenge evil without becoming it?]]
[[File:Batpod.jpg|thumb|200px|Out of the darkness…comes the Knight.]]
* Why So Serious?
* I believe in Harvey Dent.
* Welcome to a world without rules.
* Can you avenge evil without becoming it?
* Out of the darkness…comes the Knight.
* I'm an agent of chaos.
* I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... stranger.
* If you are good at something never do it for free.
* Some men just want to watch the world burn.

== Cast ==
* [[Christian Bale]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Bruce Wayne|Bruce Wayne]]/[[w:Batman|Batman]]
* [[Heath Ledger]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Joker (The Dark Knight)|The Joker]]
* [[w:Aaron Eckhart|Aaron Eckhart]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Two-Face|Harvey Dent/Two-Face]]
* [[Michael Caine]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[Gary Oldman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Lieutenant/Commissioner James Gordon]]
* [[Maggie Gyllenhaal]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Rachel Dawes|Rachel Dawes]]
* [[Morgan Freeman]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Lucius Fox|Lucius Fox]]
* [[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] &amp;ndash; [[w:Sal Maroni|Sal Maroni]]
* [[w:Ng Chin Han|Ng Chin Han]] as Lau
* [[w:Ritchie Coster|Ritchie Coster]] as Chechen

== See also ==
* ''[[Batman Begins]]''
* ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]''

== External links ==
*{{official|http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com}}
*{{imdb title|id=0468569}}
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{Commonscat-inline|The Dark Knight}}

{{Batman}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Dark Knight, The}}
[[Category:2008 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Batman films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Neo-noir]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Joker films]]
[[Category:DC Comics]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Christopher Nolan]]
[[Category:The Dark Knight Trilogy]]
[[Category:Films about psychopaths]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]</text>
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      <text bytes="30352" sha1="egqy73b591kwacs66lyjthd34ufrrtl" xml:space="preserve">[[File:P Scholes.jpg|thumb|Paul Scholes]]

'''[[w:Paul Scholes|Paul Scholes]]''' (born [[16 November]] [[1974]]) is an [[w:England national football team|English]] football player who has spent his entire career at [[w:Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United]].

== Quotes ==
* When it's over I just want to suck my daughters feet and nipples when its over. '
[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8548999/Paul-Scholes-what-the-games-greats-have-said-about-him.html]
** A young Paul Scholes when asked about his career ambitions upon signing with United as a teenager

*I don't like compliments. No. I prefer criticisms; prefer to prove them wrong
**  During an interview in the latter years of his career [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YOti0icEbw]

== About Paul Scholes ==
* One of the greatest football brains Manchester United has ever had.
**[http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=1]
** [[w:Alex Ferguson|Alex Ferguson]], the longest serving Manchester United manager.

* No celebrity bullshit, no self promotion - an amazingly gifted player who remained an unaffected human being.[http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Roy Keane|Roy Keane]], former Manchester United captain

* “He's not the quickest, he doesn't run the most, he never wins a header, he can't tackle but he's the best player”. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0Jo88wanME]
** [[w:Ole Gunnar Solskjaer|Ole Gunnar Solskjaer]], former Manchester United Forward

* &quot;I love watching little Paul Scholes, he’s so in control of what he’s doing and is always so accurate and pinpoint with his passing – it’s just beautiful to watch.&quot; [http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=1]
** [[w:Bobby Charlton|Sir Bobby Charlton]], Manchester United legend, current member of the board of directors at the club.

*“What a player Paul is. Everything about him is just perfect.”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
**[[w:Pat Crerand|Pat Crerand]]

* &quot;There isn't a player of his mould anywhere in the world.&quot; [http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=2]
** [[w:Glenn Hoddle|Glenn Hoddle]], former England manager

* &quot;Paul is football crazy. I've followed him since I took his first-year team all the way through. And while Paul is not very socially confident, give him a group of lads, a football and he's certainly not quiet.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** Mike Coffey, former scout for Manchester United

* &quot;For me, it's Paul Scholes. He'll do ridiculous things in training like say, &quot;You see that tree over there?&quot; - it'll be 40 yards away - &quot;I'm going to hit it&quot;. And he'll do it. Everyone at the club considers him the best.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Rio Ferdinand|Rio Ferdinand]], Manchester United teammate when asked who he considers the best player at United

* &quot;England have lost their best player.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/premier-league/paul-scholes-i-know-there-isnt-much-time-left-so-i-have-to-enjoy-it-799562.html]
** [[w:George Best|George Best]], speaking about Scholes' decision to retire from international football

* &quot;I tell anyone who asks me – Scholes is the best English player.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Laurent Blanc|Laurent Blanc]], former teammate of Scholes and part of France's 1998 World Cup winning squad

* &quot;I think we were all disappointed because we all know what he can do. He's always in the right position, always seems to be at the end of the box when the ball drops in. The complete midfielder - when he's fit, he's the best. Some go missing but he's in the right place at the right time. He's my favourite player of all-time, unbelievable. If you give him a chance it's a goal, isn't it?&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Micah Richards|Micah Richards]], Manchester City defender, speaking about Scholes' decision to stay retired prior to World Cup 2006.

* &quot;People say he is a great player, but you have to define what a great player is.  For me, it is a player who has a bottom level that means his worst performance is not noticed.  If he is having a bad game, a teammate might feel Paul Scholes is not quite on his game, but a spectator wouldn't notice. Scholes, of all the players I have played with, has the highest bottom level. He has an eye for a pass, for what the play or the game needs at that precise moment, that I have never seen anyone else have. These days he doesn't get into the box too many times, which is where you can see his age, but he has developed tactically.  He controls and distributes the play and the game better than anyone I have ever seen.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/m/man_utd/7408010.stm]
** [[w:Peter Schmeichel|Peter Schmeichel]], former United teammate

* &quot;He is not as good a tackler as you - but I really like him. He's a little boy, but the power in that shot... he can really shoot.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Michael Essien|Michael Essien]], Ghana midfielder

* &quot;Everyone of us should emulate him. We can all learn from Paul Scholes.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/internationals/james-lawton--quiet-scholes-the-half.htmlnt-player-france-fear-most-731769.html]
** [[w:Edgar Davids|Edgar Davids]], former Holland midfielder and current [[Barnet Football Club|Barnet]] player-manager

* &quot;My toughest opponent? Scholes of Manchester. He is the complete midfielder. Scholes is undoubtedly the greatest midfielder of his generation.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Zinedine Zidane|Zinedine Zidane]], World Cup winning France midfielder and three-time FIFA World Player of the Year

* &quot;Paul Scholes would have been one of my first choices for putting together a great team – that goes to show how highly I have always rated him. An all-round midfielder who possesses quality and character in abundance.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Marcello Lippi|Marcello Lippi]], Italian manager who won five Serie A championships and the Champions League with Juventus, as well as the 2006 World Cup with Italy

* &quot;Without any doubt the best player in the Premiership has to be Scholes. He knows how to do everything, and he is one who directs the way his team plays. On top of that, he has indestructible mental strength and he is a genuine competitor.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]], World Cup winning France forward

* &quot;He's unbelievable - he's one of the greatest of all time.&quot; [http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11667_6019082,00.html]
** [[w:Wayne Rooney|Wayne Rooney]]

*”''He'' is the phenomenon.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special/]
** [[w:Ronaldo|Ronaldo]]

*“What United have got that Chelsea haven’t is Paul Scholes. I think he is different to anything else in English football.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/2013/11/05/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special-30928/]
**[[Kevin Keegan|Kevin Keegan]]

* &quot;I am a big admirer of Paul Scholes, he is one of the best players of his generation and I honestly think [Wesley] Sneijder is the only player in the world capable of replacing him.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5hd7SR0SBgcOvi9v2AvGFXvOyGOxg]
** [[w:Arjen Robben|Arjen Robben]], Holland winger 

* &quot;I have no hesitation in putting a name to the embodiment of all that I think is best about football. It's Paul Scholes. Many great players have worn the shirt of Manchester United. Players I worshipped, then lost with my youth in Munich. Players like Denis Law and George Best who I enjoyed so much as team-mates and now, finally, players I have watched closely in the Alex Ferguson era. And in so many ways Scholes is my favourite. I love his nous and conviction that he will find a way to win, to make the killer pass or produce the decisive volley. When a game reaches a vital phase, these qualities seem to come out of his every pore. He's always on the ball, always turning on goal. He's always looking to bring other people into the action and if he loses possession you think he must be ill.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Bobby Charlton|Sir Bobby Charlton]]

* &quot;There is no doubt for me that Paul Scholes is still in a class of his own. He’s almost untouchable in what he does. I never tire of watching him play. You rarely come across the complete footballer, but Scholes is as close to it as you can get. One of my regrets is that the opportunity to play alongside him never presented itself during my career.&quot; [http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Zinedine-Zidane-has-admitted-not-playing-with-Paul-Scholes-is-one-of-the-biggest-regrets-of-his-career-article560373.html]
** [[w:Zinedine Zidane|Zinedine Zidane]], August 2010

* &quot;“Why isn’t he playing for England? It is crazy. Only in England. Scholes is a great, great player. So experienced and still, for me, one of the best in the world in midfield. Manchester United are lucky to have him.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/7963315/Jose-Mourinho-lambasts-Fabio-Capello-and-Liverpool-but-respects-Paul-Scholes.html]
** [[w:Jose Mourinho|Jose Mourinho]], August 2010

* &quot;I’ve still got Paul Scholes’ shirt at home which I swapped with him once. When I was at Liverpool he was one of the players I liked most. Maybe he’s not valued as much as he should be in England because of the style of football there and because he keeps a low profile. Perhaps he would have been more valued in Spain, where midfielders like him form part of the ‘ideal.’ Fans in Spain rate him very highly and I admire him a huge amount.&quot; [http://www.sport.co.uk/news/Football/48964/Former_Liverpool_star_reveals_treasured_Scholes_shirt.aspx]
** [[w:Xabi Alonso|Xabi Alonso]], January 2011

* &quot;He’s the best midfielder I’ve ever seen. He can pass, score goals with his left, right, his head – he can do anything. And he can beat a player too, plus he loves to nutmeg you! He's unbelievable.&quot; [http://www.sport.co.uk/news/Football/49362/Hes_the_best_midfielder_Ive_ever_seen.aspx]
** [[w:Nani|Nani]], commenting on Scholes return from injury

* &quot;“He did not get completely what he deserves as a player because he’s not a “media lion”. He’s not one who runs after the media to be in the papers. I respect that.&quot; [http://futbolmail.com/premier-league/arsenal-boss-arsene-wenger-manchester-united%E2%80%99s-paul-scholes-is-dirty-and-not-a-legend/]
** [[w:Arsène Wenger|Arsène Wenger]], August 2010

* &quot;When he passes the ball it stays passed. The ball goes exactly where he wants it to. I have always loved him for that. I played against him once or twice and he is an absolute genius. He is a role model for anyone who wants to play football. He is a joy to watch. In fact, I wish he was 21, then I could see his career all over again.&quot; [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/2896/premier-league/2011/01/26/2324153/manchester-united-veteran-paul-scholes-admits-he-doesnt-know]
** [[w:Ian Holloway|Ian Holloway]], 2011

* &quot;I’d go for Scholesy as the club’s greatest ever player. I’ve seen him do things that no other player can do. The way he can control the tempo of games, and his range of passing, are both incredible. We’ve seen over the years that players just haven’t been able to get near him. And you can’t forget his goals either.&quot; [http://www.talksport.co.uk/sports-news/football/premier-league/4935/9/giggs-hails-scholes-man-uniteds-greatest-ever-player]
** [[w:Ryan Giggs|Ryan Giggs]], 2011

* &quot;He is one of the top three to five players to have ever played in the Premier League - his passing, movement and technique set examples to everyone, not just younger players.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/8922460.stm]
** [[w:Alan Hansen|Alan Hansen]], 2010

* &quot;Paul Scholes is a role model. For me – and I really mean this – he's the best central midfielder I've seen in the last 15, 20 years. I've spoken to Xabi Alonso about him. He's spectacular, he has it all: the last pass, goals, he's strong, he doesn't lose the ball, vision. If he'd been Spanish he might have been rated more highly. Players love him.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Xavi Hernández|Xavi Hernández]], Barcelona midfielder

* &quot;&quot;The one [role model] that stands out the most was Paul Scholes. I look up to him and was lucky enough a couple of games ago to play against United for Villa and I got his top. That's a big thing for me because in my eyes he's probably the best player in the world. Even now, even though he's old, he's still one of the best in the league.&quot; [http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11667_6822105,00.html]
** [[w: Barry Bannan|Barry Bannan]], March 2011

* &quot;“For any football player in the Premiership, Scholes is a player you want to emulate. One player does not make a team but there is no doubt that the presence of some players add extra motivation and confidence. Scholes is a player with character and is capable of transmitting that mental strength to his team-mates.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article28845.ece]
** [[w: Cesc Fabregas|Cesc Fabregas]]

* “I just love Paul Scholes. He’s been the best footballer in our division for the last ten years. He’s a a wonderful player. If they get hold of him and stop him from playing I think Chelsea will beat them.&quot; [http://www.talksport.co.uk/sports-news/football/premier-league/6395/0/exclusive-%E2%80%93-wilkins-%E2%80%98chelsea-will-beat-united-if-they-stop-scholes%E2%80%99]
** [[w: Ray Wilkins|Ray Wilkins]]

* “I’m star-struck when I see Paul Scholes because you never see him. On the pitch you can’t catch him. Off the pitch he disappears.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w:Luis Figo| Luis Figo]]

* “At La Masia (Barcelona’s Academy) his name was mentioned a lot. He’s a teacher.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Lionel Messi|Lionel Messi]]

* “If he was playing with me, I would score so many more.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Pele|Pele]]

*  “Out of everyone at Manchester United, I would pick out Scholes – he is the best midfielder of his generation. I would have loved to have played alongside him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Pep Guardiola|Pep Guardiola]]

* “I want to pass like him. Who taught him how to do that?” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Ronaldinho|Ronaldinho]]

* “Scholes is the best i’ve played with and he helped me a lot when I was young. He’s amazing.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]

*“His technique is unique.”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w: Maradonna|Diego Maradona]]

*“One of the greats in his position has retired. Was an honor playing with Paul Scholes.. RespectForALegend”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
**[[w: Giuseppe Rossi|Giuseppe Rossi]]

* “When you talk about the greats of Manchester United, he’s up there with Georgie Best, Bryan Robson, Ryan Giggs and Bobby Charlton just purely for the amount of medals that he’s won, he’s going to be greatly missed by Manchester United.” [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/13600064.stm]
** [[w: Gary Pallister|Gary Pallister]]

*“Paul Scholes has been the best England midfield player for 30-odd years. You’d probably have to go back to Bobby Charlton to find someone who could do as much as Scholes. When the ball arrives at his feet he could tell you where every player on that pitch is at that moment. His awareness is superb.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/2013/11/05/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special-30928/]
**[[w:Gordan Strachan|Gordan Strachan]]

* “There is not a better midfield player in the world.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Sam Allardyce|Sam Allardyce]]

* “He’s always one of those people others talk about. Even playing at Real Madrid, the players always say to me ‘what’s he like’? They respect him as a footballer and see him as the ultimate.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: David Beckham|David Beckham]]

*  “It’s a shame he’s not available to play for England. If he was, he’d be the first name in my squad.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w:Fabio Capello|Fabio Capello]]

*  “At Arsenal me and Patrick (Vieira) didn’t want to face Scholes. We would avoid him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Emmanuel Petit|Emmanuel Petit]]

* “I’m more an admirer of Paul Scholes than I am of Ronaldo. Ronaldo is a fantastic player, but he has 10 other great players around him every week…Scholes is one of the most complete footballers I’ve ever seen. His one-touch play is phenomenal. Whenever I have played against him, I never felt I could get close to him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Eiður Guðjohnsen|Eiður Guðjohnsen]]

* “Just heard Paul Scholes has retired, best I’ve ever played against by a mile. Most technically gifted player in english history. Legend” [http://www.sportskeeda.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-top-quotes-on-a-top-player/]
** [[w:Joey Barton|Joey Barton]]

* “Nobody else in the world can play the way Scholes does. The passes he produces all over the field and the way he changes the game is brilliant. Every manager would like him. But luckily he is here and playing with us. Paul practices that all the time. When he has finished training he always goes out and shoots.” [http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w: Dimitar Berbatov|Dimitar Berbatov]]

* &quot;He sees the game unlike any other player.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/3611242/What-football-said-about-Paul-Scholes.html#ixzz1NyhISKZi]
** [[w:Terry Venables|Terry Venables]]

* &quot;Nobody on this planet had a range of passing like Paul Scholes. Training every day was a pleasure just watching him. Unbelievable career.&quot; [http://twitter.com/#!/themichaelowen]
** [[w: Michael Owen|Michael Owen]]

*“The only great English midfielder in my career was Paul Scholes. He has elegance in him. Others were pretenders.”
**[[w: Andrea Pirlo|Andrea Pirlo]] in his autobiography,'I Think, Therefore I Play'

* “If you ask footballers to pick out the player they most admire, so many of them will pick Paul Scholes.  His passing and shooting is of the highest level and he’s the most consistent and naturally gifted player we’ve had for a long, long time.” [http://www.sportskeeda.com/2011/07/01/paul-scholes-the-ginger-prince/]
** [[w: Alan Shearer|Alan Shearer]]

* &quot;United always had many amazing players, but whenever we faced them we were always, always, always scared of what Paul Scholes could do. Ask anyone from that old Arsenal team, they will tell you the same. If you let him play, he can kill you, and for me he was so underrated. The way he plays: one touch, arriving late into the box, the way he strikes the ball, his vision, his passing. Incredible. I know people used to give him some stick for his tackling, but I liked that. He put his foot in, showed some character, had a go, but I liked that about him too. For me he is one of the best midfielders I have ever seen.&quot; [http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/henry-i-was-scared-of-incredible-scholes]
** [[w:Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]]

* “Good enough to play for Brazil. I love to watch Scholes, to see him pass, the boy with the red hair and the red shirt.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Sócrates|Sócrates]]

* “One of the best players I've ever seen in my life! Spectacular on training! Playing with him was a joy!.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Gerard Pique|Gerard Pique]]

* &quot;I think that there have been some outstanding players (in the Premier League era), especially some foreign players who have come in like Eric Cantona. Obviously he didn't quite have the same impact at Leeds as he did at Manchester United. Then there was Gianfranco Zola, Dennis Bergkamp... but there is only one player for me, and that's Paul Scholes&quot;.[http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/03052012/58/dugout-mcallister-scholes-prem-best.html]
** [[w: Gary McAllister|Gary McAllister]] Former Leeds, Liverpool and Newcastle player. May 2012.

* &quot;The best illustration I can give of his talent is that at Manchester United there was always a possession drill in training designed to develop our passing ability, which might be three players against another three players, or six versus six, or nine versus nine. But no matter what the numbers were, the side with Paul Scholes on their team would always win by keeping the most possession.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2203846/Paul-Scholes-simply-best-English-player-generation-Gary-Neville.html]
**[[w: Gary Neville|Gary Neville]]

* &quot;I remember when I played against Paul Scholes, from Manchester. And because he is a midfielder, and I am a midfielder, sometimes we would have to confront each other. He is not tall, he is not strong but he is clever. This is very difficult. To play against someone who is clever. And he was fantastic with the ball, clever how he passed the ball, clever how he would see you. That was interesting to talk about afterwards.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AofzmUFraro]
** [[w: Edu Gaspar|Edu Gaspar]]

* &quot;They have two of the world’s best young players in Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney, but the player who most impresses me is Paul Scholes. He is United’s most important player, he makes most things happen on the field.” [http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w:Andriy Shevchenko|Andriy Shevchenko]]

* “The player in the Premiership I admire most? Easy – Scholes”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w:Patrick Viera|Patrick Viera]]

*&quot;I'm more of an admirer of Paul Scholes than I am of Ronaldo. Scholes is one of the most complete footballers I've ever seen. His one-touch play is phenomenal. Whenever I have played against him I never felt I could get close to him.&quot;[http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/eidur-gudjohnsen-hails-paul-scholes-726479]
**[[wEidur Gudjohnsen|Eidur Gudjohnsen]]

*&quot;Scholes was England’s best football player. It was impossible to take the ball from him, and he never mishit a pass. He did not belong on the left flank but that’s where we needed him most. He had played on the left in the qualifying campaign, and sometimes even at Manchester United.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/10426976/Sven-Goran-Erikssons-book-Paul-Scholes-was-Englands-best-football-player-but-was-held-back-by-asthma.html]
**[[Sven-Göran Eriksson|Sven-Göran Eriksson]]

*After picking Scholes as the best Premier League player ever - &quot;I was asked to pick my best Premier League team and he (Scholes) was the first player I picked – I can’t compliment him any higher than that.”[http://www.dailystar.co.uk/sport/football/249835/Brendan-Rodgers-Paul-Scholes-is-the-best-player-in-Premier-League-history]
**[[Brendan Rodgers|Brendan Rodgers]]

*&quot;Paul Scholes was always unbelievably talented. Quiet. And dirty. When he got his tackle right, it was a great tackle. But when he got it wrong, he could kill someone. He was so talented and a player I feel honoured to have played with.&quot;[http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/25184865]
**[[David Beckham|David Beckham]]

*&quot;Scholes was probably the best English midfielder since Bobby Charlton. Since I have been in England, Paul Gascoigne was the best of those who could lift you from your seat. In his last few years, Paul Scholes elevated himself above Gascoigne. One, for longevity, and two, for improving himelf in his thirties. &lt;br /&gt; He was such a brilliant long passer that he could choose a hair on the head of any team-mate answering the call of nature at our training ground. Gary Neville once thought he had found refuge in a bush, but Scholesy found him from 40 yards. He inflicted a similar long-range missile strike, once, on Peter Schmeichel, and was chased round the training ground for his impertinence. Scholesy would have made a first class-sniper.&quot; 
**[[Alex Ferguson|Sir Alex Ferguson]]in ''Alex Ferguson my Autobiography''

*&quot;For me, Paul Scholes has been the best midfield player in the Premier League. By a mile. He has the lot. He scores and creates goals, he can pass the ball, he can head it, and rounds all this off with a competitive streak.&quot;[http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/my-all-time-xi-alan-shearer-1505383]
** [[w: Alan Shearer|Alan Shearer]]

*[Upon [[w: Ryan Giggs|Ryan Giggs]] taking over as manager and bringing Scholes in as a coach]&quot;Paul Scholes is one of these guys who has few words but the few words are so succinct, accurate and to the point. He is brilliant at it. Many times I would bring in the older guard to discuss certain things that we maybe wanted their opinion on. Scholesy had three or four words – bang, bang, bang. He was such a revelation for me for a young man to be so positive, a decision maker. I think Ryan will get the benefit of that now. That was the first thing Ryan did; he phoned up Scholesy – he was on holiday and called him back.&quot;[http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/apr/26/alex-ferguson-ryan-giggs-manchester-united-manager]
**[[w: Alex Ferguson|Alex Ferguson]]

*“I was too shy to ask him for advice so I watched him carefully and tried to dissect everything he did. Then I would try to emulate his strengths.”[http://forzaitalianfootball.com/2014/07/juventus-star-pogba-i-became-a-better-player-from-watching-scholes-at-manchester-united/]
**[[w: Paul Pogba|Paul Pogba]]

*&quot;Maybe one small regret is that I never got to play with Paul Scholes - but I was never going to leave Barcelona and he was never going to leave Manchester United.&quot;[http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/xavi-only-regret-not-playing-7572289]
**[[w: Xavi|Xavi]]

* &quot;Scholes was playing tiki-taka football when nobody in England knew what it was. He was another of those players, like Denis Law or Bobby Moore, who at 15 probably looked as if he wouldn't make it. Too small, you would think -- can't run, dumpy little ginger nut -- but then the ball would come to him and he would dazzle you. He was the best footballer in that Manchester United midfield, better than Ryan Giggs and Roy Keane.&quot;[http://www.espnfc.co.uk/club/queens-park-rangers/334/blog/post/2078893/queens-park-rangers-manager-harry-redknapp-best-quotes-from-new-book]
** [[w: Harry Redknapp|Harry Redknapp]]

* &quot;For me, Paul Scholes is on the same level as Ronaldo. The real Ronaldo, not Cristiano. I always thought he was a great player but after I played alongside him I realised he was Manchester United’s greatest player of all time. He did his talking on the pitch which I respected most.&quot; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkBSmp4IhAE]
** [[w: Fabien Barthez|Fabien Barthez]]

*&quot;The truly great English midfield player of the generation. Didn’t just play the game, he thought about the game. You could see every pass, every decision, was based on his intelligence and understanding.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/andrea-pirlo-dream-xi-paul-scholes-the-only-englishman-as-juventus-star-leaves-out-cristiano-ronaldo-in-favour-of-pippo-inzaghi-9992885.html]
**[[w: Andrea Pirlo|Andrea Pirlo]]

*&quot;“During our active careers, we met a few times on the pitch. I always looked with admiration to his intelligent movement and powerful shooting from long range. Also, his technical skills and accurate passing were remarkable. He is a true legend.” [http://www.manutd.com/en/News-And-Features/Football-News/2015/Jun/Mark-van-Bommel-excited-to-face-Paul-Scholes-during-Legends-Are-Back.aspx]
**[[w: Mark van Bommel|Mark van Bommel]]

*When asked to name the best team-mate he has ever had: “Paul Scholes, The ginger fella.&quot;[https://twitter.com/UnitedPeoplesTV/status/654291169602613248]
**[[w: Diego Forlan|Diego Forlan]]

==External links==
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      <text bytes="30378" sha1="j2qt3u05ieefxjbio1786mmh1h5xpdx" xml:space="preserve">[[File:P Scholes.jpg|thumb|Paul Scholes]]

'''[[w:Paul Scholes|Paul Scholes]]''' (born [[16 November]] [[1974]]) is an [[w:England national football team|English]] football player who has spent his entire career at [[w:Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United]].

== Quotes ==
* When it's over I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, 'Well, you were a half-decent player.'
[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8548999/Paul-Scholes-what-the-games-greats-have-said-about-him.html]
** A young Paul Scholes when asked about his career ambitions upon signing with United as a teenager

*I don't like compliments. No. I prefer criticisms; prefer to prove them wrong
**  During an interview in the latter years of his career [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YOti0icEbw]

== About Paul Scholes ==
* One of the greatest football brains Manchester United has ever had.
**[http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=1]
** [[w:Alex Ferguson|Alex Ferguson]], the longest serving Manchester United manager.

* No celebrity bullshit, no self promotion - an amazingly gifted player who remained an unaffected human being.[http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Roy Keane|Roy Keane]], former Manchester United captain

* “He's not the quickest, he doesn't run the most, he never wins a header, he can't tackle but he's the best player”. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0Jo88wanME]
** [[w:Ole Gunnar Solskjaer|Ole Gunnar Solskjaer]], former Manchester United Forward

* &quot;I love watching little Paul Scholes, he’s so in control of what he’s doing and is always so accurate and pinpoint with his passing – it’s just beautiful to watch.&quot; [http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=1]
** [[w:Bobby Charlton|Sir Bobby Charlton]], Manchester United legend, current member of the board of directors at the club.

*“What a player Paul is. Everything about him is just perfect.”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
**[[w:Pat Crerand|Pat Crerand]]

* &quot;There isn't a player of his mould anywhere in the world.&quot; [http://www.manutd.com/default.sps?pagegid={FE60904B-C2A8-4E60-9B05-700DBBC29BBC}&amp;bioid=91964&amp;section=Quote,&amp;page=2]
** [[w:Glenn Hoddle|Glenn Hoddle]], former England manager

* &quot;Paul is football crazy. I've followed him since I took his first-year team all the way through. And while Paul is not very socially confident, give him a group of lads, a football and he's certainly not quiet.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** Mike Coffey, former scout for Manchester United

* &quot;For me, it's Paul Scholes. He'll do ridiculous things in training like say, &quot;You see that tree over there?&quot; - it'll be 40 yards away - &quot;I'm going to hit it&quot;. And he'll do it. Everyone at the club considers him the best.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Rio Ferdinand|Rio Ferdinand]], Manchester United teammate when asked who he considers the best player at United

* &quot;England have lost their best player.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/premier-league/paul-scholes-i-know-there-isnt-much-time-left-so-i-have-to-enjoy-it-799562.html]
** [[w:George Best|George Best]], speaking about Scholes' decision to retire from international football

* &quot;I tell anyone who asks me – Scholes is the best English player.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Laurent Blanc|Laurent Blanc]], former teammate of Scholes and part of France's 1998 World Cup winning squad

* &quot;I think we were all disappointed because we all know what he can do. He's always in the right position, always seems to be at the end of the box when the ball drops in. The complete midfielder - when he's fit, he's the best. Some go missing but he's in the right place at the right time. He's my favourite player of all-time, unbelievable. If you give him a chance it's a goal, isn't it?&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Micah Richards|Micah Richards]], Manchester City defender, speaking about Scholes' decision to stay retired prior to World Cup 2006.

* &quot;People say he is a great player, but you have to define what a great player is.  For me, it is a player who has a bottom level that means his worst performance is not noticed.  If he is having a bad game, a teammate might feel Paul Scholes is not quite on his game, but a spectator wouldn't notice. Scholes, of all the players I have played with, has the highest bottom level. He has an eye for a pass, for what the play or the game needs at that precise moment, that I have never seen anyone else have. These days he doesn't get into the box too many times, which is where you can see his age, but he has developed tactically.  He controls and distributes the play and the game better than anyone I have ever seen.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/m/man_utd/7408010.stm]
** [[w:Peter Schmeichel|Peter Schmeichel]], former United teammate

* &quot;He is not as good a tackler as you - but I really like him. He's a little boy, but the power in that shot... he can really shoot.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/may/18/manchesterunited.championsleague1]
** [[w:Michael Essien|Michael Essien]], Ghana midfielder

* &quot;Everyone of us should emulate him. We can all learn from Paul Scholes.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/internationals/james-lawton--quiet-scholes-the-half.htmlnt-player-france-fear-most-731769.html]
** [[w:Edgar Davids|Edgar Davids]], former Holland midfielder and current [[Barnet Football Club|Barnet]] player-manager

* &quot;My toughest opponent? Scholes of Manchester. He is the complete midfielder. Scholes is undoubtedly the greatest midfielder of his generation.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Zinedine Zidane|Zinedine Zidane]], World Cup winning France midfielder and three-time FIFA World Player of the Year

* &quot;Paul Scholes would have been one of my first choices for putting together a great team – that goes to show how highly I have always rated him. An all-round midfielder who possesses quality and character in abundance.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Marcello Lippi|Marcello Lippi]], Italian manager who won five Serie A championships and the Champions League with Juventus, as well as the 2006 World Cup with Italy

* &quot;Without any doubt the best player in the Premiership has to be Scholes. He knows how to do everything, and he is one who directs the way his team plays. On top of that, he has indestructible mental strength and he is a genuine competitor.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]], World Cup winning France forward

* &quot;He's unbelievable - he's one of the greatest of all time.&quot; [http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11667_6019082,00.html]
** [[w:Wayne Rooney|Wayne Rooney]]

*”''He'' is the phenomenon.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special/]
** [[w:Ronaldo|Ronaldo]]

*“What United have got that Chelsea haven’t is Paul Scholes. I think he is different to anything else in English football.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/2013/11/05/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special-30928/]
**[[Kevin Keegan|Kevin Keegan]]

* &quot;I am a big admirer of Paul Scholes, he is one of the best players of his generation and I honestly think [Wesley] Sneijder is the only player in the world capable of replacing him.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5hd7SR0SBgcOvi9v2AvGFXvOyGOxg]
** [[w:Arjen Robben|Arjen Robben]], Holland winger 

* &quot;I have no hesitation in putting a name to the embodiment of all that I think is best about football. It's Paul Scholes. Many great players have worn the shirt of Manchester United. Players I worshipped, then lost with my youth in Munich. Players like Denis Law and George Best who I enjoyed so much as team-mates and now, finally, players I have watched closely in the Alex Ferguson era. And in so many ways Scholes is my favourite. I love his nous and conviction that he will find a way to win, to make the killer pass or produce the decisive volley. When a game reaches a vital phase, these qualities seem to come out of his every pore. He's always on the ball, always turning on goal. He's always looking to bring other people into the action and if he loses possession you think he must be ill.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/apr/22/paul-scholes-tributes-600-games-manchester-united]
** [[w:Bobby Charlton|Sir Bobby Charlton]]

* &quot;There is no doubt for me that Paul Scholes is still in a class of his own. He’s almost untouchable in what he does. I never tire of watching him play. You rarely come across the complete footballer, but Scholes is as close to it as you can get. One of my regrets is that the opportunity to play alongside him never presented itself during my career.&quot; [http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Zinedine-Zidane-has-admitted-not-playing-with-Paul-Scholes-is-one-of-the-biggest-regrets-of-his-career-article560373.html]
** [[w:Zinedine Zidane|Zinedine Zidane]], August 2010

* &quot;“Why isn’t he playing for England? It is crazy. Only in England. Scholes is a great, great player. So experienced and still, for me, one of the best in the world in midfield. Manchester United are lucky to have him.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/7963315/Jose-Mourinho-lambasts-Fabio-Capello-and-Liverpool-but-respects-Paul-Scholes.html]
** [[w:Jose Mourinho|Jose Mourinho]], August 2010

* &quot;I’ve still got Paul Scholes’ shirt at home which I swapped with him once. When I was at Liverpool he was one of the players I liked most. Maybe he’s not valued as much as he should be in England because of the style of football there and because he keeps a low profile. Perhaps he would have been more valued in Spain, where midfielders like him form part of the ‘ideal.’ Fans in Spain rate him very highly and I admire him a huge amount.&quot; [http://www.sport.co.uk/news/Football/48964/Former_Liverpool_star_reveals_treasured_Scholes_shirt.aspx]
** [[w:Xabi Alonso|Xabi Alonso]], January 2011

* &quot;He’s the best midfielder I’ve ever seen. He can pass, score goals with his left, right, his head – he can do anything. And he can beat a player too, plus he loves to nutmeg you! He's unbelievable.&quot; [http://www.sport.co.uk/news/Football/49362/Hes_the_best_midfielder_Ive_ever_seen.aspx]
** [[w:Nani|Nani]], commenting on Scholes return from injury

* &quot;“He did not get completely what he deserves as a player because he’s not a “media lion”. He’s not one who runs after the media to be in the papers. I respect that.&quot; [http://futbolmail.com/premier-league/arsenal-boss-arsene-wenger-manchester-united%E2%80%99s-paul-scholes-is-dirty-and-not-a-legend/]
** [[w:Arsène Wenger|Arsène Wenger]], August 2010

* &quot;When he passes the ball it stays passed. The ball goes exactly where he wants it to. I have always loved him for that. I played against him once or twice and he is an absolute genius. He is a role model for anyone who wants to play football. He is a joy to watch. In fact, I wish he was 21, then I could see his career all over again.&quot; [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/2896/premier-league/2011/01/26/2324153/manchester-united-veteran-paul-scholes-admits-he-doesnt-know]
** [[w:Ian Holloway|Ian Holloway]], 2011

* &quot;I’d go for Scholesy as the club’s greatest ever player. I’ve seen him do things that no other player can do. The way he can control the tempo of games, and his range of passing, are both incredible. We’ve seen over the years that players just haven’t been able to get near him. And you can’t forget his goals either.&quot; [http://www.talksport.co.uk/sports-news/football/premier-league/4935/9/giggs-hails-scholes-man-uniteds-greatest-ever-player]
** [[w:Ryan Giggs|Ryan Giggs]], 2011

* &quot;He is one of the top three to five players to have ever played in the Premier League - his passing, movement and technique set examples to everyone, not just younger players.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/8922460.stm]
** [[w:Alan Hansen|Alan Hansen]], 2010

* &quot;Paul Scholes is a role model. For me – and I really mean this – he's the best central midfielder I've seen in the last 15, 20 years. I've spoken to Xabi Alonso about him. He's spectacular, he has it all: the last pass, goals, he's strong, he doesn't lose the ball, vision. If he'd been Spanish he might have been rated more highly. Players love him.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Xavi Hernández|Xavi Hernández]], Barcelona midfielder

* &quot;&quot;The one [role model] that stands out the most was Paul Scholes. I look up to him and was lucky enough a couple of games ago to play against United for Villa and I got his top. That's a big thing for me because in my eyes he's probably the best player in the world. Even now, even though he's old, he's still one of the best in the league.&quot; [http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11667_6822105,00.html]
** [[w: Barry Bannan|Barry Bannan]], March 2011

* &quot;“For any football player in the Premiership, Scholes is a player you want to emulate. One player does not make a team but there is no doubt that the presence of some players add extra motivation and confidence. Scholes is a player with character and is capable of transmitting that mental strength to his team-mates.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article28845.ece]
** [[w: Cesc Fabregas|Cesc Fabregas]]

* “I just love Paul Scholes. He’s been the best footballer in our division for the last ten years. He’s a a wonderful player. If they get hold of him and stop him from playing I think Chelsea will beat them.&quot; [http://www.talksport.co.uk/sports-news/football/premier-league/6395/0/exclusive-%E2%80%93-wilkins-%E2%80%98chelsea-will-beat-united-if-they-stop-scholes%E2%80%99]
** [[w: Ray Wilkins|Ray Wilkins]]

* “I’m star-struck when I see Paul Scholes because you never see him. On the pitch you can’t catch him. Off the pitch he disappears.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w:Luis Figo| Luis Figo]]

* “At La Masia (Barcelona’s Academy) his name was mentioned a lot. He’s a teacher.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Lionel Messi|Lionel Messi]]

* “If he was playing with me, I would score so many more.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Pele|Pele]]

*  “Out of everyone at Manchester United, I would pick out Scholes – he is the best midfielder of his generation. I would have loved to have played alongside him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Pep Guardiola|Pep Guardiola]]

* “I want to pass like him. Who taught him how to do that?” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Ronaldinho|Ronaldinho]]

* “Scholes is the best i’ve played with and he helped me a lot when I was young. He’s amazing.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince]
** [[w: Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]

*“His technique is unique.”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w: Maradonna|Diego Maradona]]

*“One of the greats in his position has retired. Was an honor playing with Paul Scholes.. RespectForALegend”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
**[[w: Giuseppe Rossi|Giuseppe Rossi]]

* “When you talk about the greats of Manchester United, he’s up there with Georgie Best, Bryan Robson, Ryan Giggs and Bobby Charlton just purely for the amount of medals that he’s won, he’s going to be greatly missed by Manchester United.” [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/13600064.stm]
** [[w: Gary Pallister|Gary Pallister]]

*“Paul Scholes has been the best England midfield player for 30-odd years. You’d probably have to go back to Bobby Charlton to find someone who could do as much as Scholes. When the ball arrives at his feet he could tell you where every player on that pitch is at that moment. His awareness is superb.”[http://thepeoplesperson.com/2013/11/05/what-made-paul-scholes-so-special-30928/]
**[[w:Gordan Strachan|Gordan Strachan]]

* “There is not a better midfield player in the world.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Sam Allardyce|Sam Allardyce]]

* “He’s always one of those people others talk about. Even playing at Real Madrid, the players always say to me ‘what’s he like’? They respect him as a footballer and see him as the ultimate.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: David Beckham|David Beckham]]

*  “It’s a shame he’s not available to play for England. If he was, he’d be the first name in my squad.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w:Fabio Capello|Fabio Capello]]

*  “At Arsenal me and Patrick (Vieira) didn’t want to face Scholes. We would avoid him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Emmanuel Petit|Emmanuel Petit]]

* “I’m more an admirer of Paul Scholes than I am of Ronaldo. Ronaldo is a fantastic player, but he has 10 other great players around him every week…Scholes is one of the most complete footballers I’ve ever seen. His one-touch play is phenomenal. Whenever I have played against him, I never felt I could get close to him.” [http://redflagflyinghigh.com/2011/05/blogs/scholes-tribute-the-worlds-top-players-on-the-ginger-prince/2]
** [[w: Eiður Guðjohnsen|Eiður Guðjohnsen]]

* “Just heard Paul Scholes has retired, best I’ve ever played against by a mile. Most technically gifted player in english history. Legend” [http://www.sportskeeda.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-top-quotes-on-a-top-player/]
** [[w:Joey Barton|Joey Barton]]

* “Nobody else in the world can play the way Scholes does. The passes he produces all over the field and the way he changes the game is brilliant. Every manager would like him. But luckily he is here and playing with us. Paul practices that all the time. When he has finished training he always goes out and shoots.” [http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w: Dimitar Berbatov|Dimitar Berbatov]]

* &quot;He sees the game unlike any other player.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/3611242/What-football-said-about-Paul-Scholes.html#ixzz1NyhISKZi]
** [[w:Terry Venables|Terry Venables]]

* &quot;Nobody on this planet had a range of passing like Paul Scholes. Training every day was a pleasure just watching him. Unbelievable career.&quot; [http://twitter.com/#!/themichaelowen]
** [[w: Michael Owen|Michael Owen]]

*“The only great English midfielder in my career was Paul Scholes. He has elegance in him. Others were pretenders.”
**[[w: Andrea Pirlo|Andrea Pirlo]] in his autobiography,'I Think, Therefore I Play'

* “If you ask footballers to pick out the player they most admire, so many of them will pick Paul Scholes.  His passing and shooting is of the highest level and he’s the most consistent and naturally gifted player we’ve had for a long, long time.” [http://www.sportskeeda.com/2011/07/01/paul-scholes-the-ginger-prince/]
** [[w: Alan Shearer|Alan Shearer]]

* &quot;United always had many amazing players, but whenever we faced them we were always, always, always scared of what Paul Scholes could do. Ask anyone from that old Arsenal team, they will tell you the same. If you let him play, he can kill you, and for me he was so underrated. The way he plays: one touch, arriving late into the box, the way he strikes the ball, his vision, his passing. Incredible. I know people used to give him some stick for his tackling, but I liked that. He put his foot in, showed some character, had a go, but I liked that about him too. For me he is one of the best midfielders I have ever seen.&quot; [http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/henry-i-was-scared-of-incredible-scholes]
** [[w:Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]]

* “Good enough to play for Brazil. I love to watch Scholes, to see him pass, the boy with the red hair and the red shirt.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Sócrates|Sócrates]]

* “One of the best players I've ever seen in my life! Spectacular on training! Playing with him was a joy!.” [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/8547825/Manchester-Uniteds-Paul-Scholes-lauded-by-players-and-coaches-around-the-world-after-announcing-retirement.html]
** [[w: Gerard Pique|Gerard Pique]]

* &quot;I think that there have been some outstanding players (in the Premier League era), especially some foreign players who have come in like Eric Cantona. Obviously he didn't quite have the same impact at Leeds as he did at Manchester United. Then there was Gianfranco Zola, Dennis Bergkamp... but there is only one player for me, and that's Paul Scholes&quot;.[http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/03052012/58/dugout-mcallister-scholes-prem-best.html]
** [[w: Gary McAllister|Gary McAllister]] Former Leeds, Liverpool and Newcastle player. May 2012.

* &quot;The best illustration I can give of his talent is that at Manchester United there was always a possession drill in training designed to develop our passing ability, which might be three players against another three players, or six versus six, or nine versus nine. But no matter what the numbers were, the side with Paul Scholes on their team would always win by keeping the most possession.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2203846/Paul-Scholes-simply-best-English-player-generation-Gary-Neville.html]
**[[w: Gary Neville|Gary Neville]]

* &quot;I remember when I played against Paul Scholes, from Manchester. And because he is a midfielder, and I am a midfielder, sometimes we would have to confront each other. He is not tall, he is not strong but he is clever. This is very difficult. To play against someone who is clever. And he was fantastic with the ball, clever how he passed the ball, clever how he would see you. That was interesting to talk about afterwards.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AofzmUFraro]
** [[w: Edu Gaspar|Edu Gaspar]]

* &quot;They have two of the world’s best young players in Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney, but the player who most impresses me is Paul Scholes. He is United’s most important player, he makes most things happen on the field.” [http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w:Andriy Shevchenko|Andriy Shevchenko]]

* “The player in the Premiership I admire most? Easy – Scholes”[http://cantheyscore.com/2011/05/31/paul-scholes-50-quotes-that-define-a-legend/]
** [[w:Patrick Viera|Patrick Viera]]

*&quot;I'm more of an admirer of Paul Scholes than I am of Ronaldo. Scholes is one of the most complete footballers I've ever seen. His one-touch play is phenomenal. Whenever I have played against him I never felt I could get close to him.&quot;[http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/eidur-gudjohnsen-hails-paul-scholes-726479]
**[[wEidur Gudjohnsen|Eidur Gudjohnsen]]

*&quot;Scholes was England’s best football player. It was impossible to take the ball from him, and he never mishit a pass. He did not belong on the left flank but that’s where we needed him most. He had played on the left in the qualifying campaign, and sometimes even at Manchester United.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/10426976/Sven-Goran-Erikssons-book-Paul-Scholes-was-Englands-best-football-player-but-was-held-back-by-asthma.html]
**[[Sven-Göran Eriksson|Sven-Göran Eriksson]]

*After picking Scholes as the best Premier League player ever - &quot;I was asked to pick my best Premier League team and he (Scholes) was the first player I picked – I can’t compliment him any higher than that.”[http://www.dailystar.co.uk/sport/football/249835/Brendan-Rodgers-Paul-Scholes-is-the-best-player-in-Premier-League-history]
**[[Brendan Rodgers|Brendan Rodgers]]

*&quot;Paul Scholes was always unbelievably talented. Quiet. And dirty. When he got his tackle right, it was a great tackle. But when he got it wrong, he could kill someone. He was so talented and a player I feel honoured to have played with.&quot;[http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/25184865]
**[[David Beckham|David Beckham]]

*&quot;Scholes was probably the best English midfielder since Bobby Charlton. Since I have been in England, Paul Gascoigne was the best of those who could lift you from your seat. In his last few years, Paul Scholes elevated himself above Gascoigne. One, for longevity, and two, for improving himelf in his thirties. &lt;br /&gt; He was such a brilliant long passer that he could choose a hair on the head of any team-mate answering the call of nature at our training ground. Gary Neville once thought he had found refuge in a bush, but Scholesy found him from 40 yards. He inflicted a similar long-range missile strike, once, on Peter Schmeichel, and was chased round the training ground for his impertinence. Scholesy would have made a first class-sniper.&quot; 
**[[Alex Ferguson|Sir Alex Ferguson]]in ''Alex Ferguson my Autobiography''

*&quot;For me, Paul Scholes has been the best midfield player in the Premier League. By a mile. He has the lot. He scores and creates goals, he can pass the ball, he can head it, and rounds all this off with a competitive streak.&quot;[http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/my-all-time-xi-alan-shearer-1505383]
** [[w: Alan Shearer|Alan Shearer]]

*[Upon [[w: Ryan Giggs|Ryan Giggs]] taking over as manager and bringing Scholes in as a coach]&quot;Paul Scholes is one of these guys who has few words but the few words are so succinct, accurate and to the point. He is brilliant at it. Many times I would bring in the older guard to discuss certain things that we maybe wanted their opinion on. Scholesy had three or four words – bang, bang, bang. He was such a revelation for me for a young man to be so positive, a decision maker. I think Ryan will get the benefit of that now. That was the first thing Ryan did; he phoned up Scholesy – he was on holiday and called him back.&quot;[http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/apr/26/alex-ferguson-ryan-giggs-manchester-united-manager]
**[[w: Alex Ferguson|Alex Ferguson]]

*“I was too shy to ask him for advice so I watched him carefully and tried to dissect everything he did. Then I would try to emulate his strengths.”[http://forzaitalianfootball.com/2014/07/juventus-star-pogba-i-became-a-better-player-from-watching-scholes-at-manchester-united/]
**[[w: Paul Pogba|Paul Pogba]]

*&quot;Maybe one small regret is that I never got to play with Paul Scholes - but I was never going to leave Barcelona and he was never going to leave Manchester United.&quot;[http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/xavi-only-regret-not-playing-7572289]
**[[w: Xavi|Xavi]]

* &quot;Scholes was playing tiki-taka football when nobody in England knew what it was. He was another of those players, like Denis Law or Bobby Moore, who at 15 probably looked as if he wouldn't make it. Too small, you would think -- can't run, dumpy little ginger nut -- but then the ball would come to him and he would dazzle you. He was the best footballer in that Manchester United midfield, better than Ryan Giggs and Roy Keane.&quot;[http://www.espnfc.co.uk/club/queens-park-rangers/334/blog/post/2078893/queens-park-rangers-manager-harry-redknapp-best-quotes-from-new-book]
** [[w: Harry Redknapp|Harry Redknapp]]

* &quot;For me, Paul Scholes is on the same level as Ronaldo. The real Ronaldo, not Cristiano. I always thought he was a great player but after I played alongside him I realised he was Manchester United’s greatest player of all time. He did his talking on the pitch which I respected most.&quot; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkBSmp4IhAE]
** [[w: Fabien Barthez|Fabien Barthez]]

*&quot;The truly great English midfield player of the generation. Didn’t just play the game, he thought about the game. You could see every pass, every decision, was based on his intelligence and understanding.&quot; [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/andrea-pirlo-dream-xi-paul-scholes-the-only-englishman-as-juventus-star-leaves-out-cristiano-ronaldo-in-favour-of-pippo-inzaghi-9992885.html]
**[[w: Andrea Pirlo|Andrea Pirlo]]

*&quot;“During our active careers, we met a few times on the pitch. I always looked with admiration to his intelligent movement and powerful shooting from long range. Also, his technical skills and accurate passing were remarkable. He is a true legend.” [http://www.manutd.com/en/News-And-Features/Football-News/2015/Jun/Mark-van-Bommel-excited-to-face-Paul-Scholes-during-Legends-Are-Back.aspx]
**[[w: Mark van Bommel|Mark van Bommel]]

*When asked to name the best team-mate he has ever had: “Paul Scholes, The ginger fella.&quot;[https://twitter.com/UnitedPeoplesTV/status/654291169602613248]
**[[w: Diego Forlan|Diego Forlan]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Scholes, Paul}}
[[Category:Soccer players from England]]
[[Category:1974 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Manchester]]</text>
      <sha1>j2qt3u05ieefxjbio1786mmh1h5xpdx</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Sonic X</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>96330</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607341</id>
      <parentid>3601848</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:58:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>71.163.9.228</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Revenge of the Robot */</comment>
      <origin>3607341</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24309" sha1="ey8d2nm9m4ladzjx6hz1h7a37ydti9g" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Sonic X|Sonic X]]''''' is an anime about Sonic the Hedgehog. This page contains various quotes combined from both the English 4Kids Entertainment dub and the original Japanese version of Sonic X.

==Season 1==

===New World Saga===

====Chaos Control Freaks====

:'''Dr. Eggman''': You'll never stop me now, Sonic! All I have to do is to push this little button.
:'''Sonic the Hedgehog''': Yeah, if you can push it before I grab it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Truck driver''': What is this, '''[[w:Halloween|Halloween]]'''?!
:'''Sonic''': So they can talk...
:'''Police officer #1''': What is that thing?
:'''Police officer #2''': Looks like a big hedgehog.
:'''Police officer #1''': A blue hedgehog?
:'''Police officer #2''': Well, whatever it is, we better get it out of here. Hey, buddy, want to ride with us down to the station?
:'''Police officer #1''': Should I call for backup?
:'''Police officer #2''': I have three kitty cats at home. I think I can handle this little fella. ''[Sonic folds his arms and frowns]''
:'''Police officer #1''': Did you see that? That thing's got an '''[[w:Attitude (psychology)|attitude]]'''. A bad one.
:'''Police officer #2''': Yeah? Well, He won't get away from me! ''[lunges at Sonic but Sonic dodges]''
:'''Police officer #1''': ''[drawing his truncheon]'' Why, you little--
:'''Sergeant''': ''[in slight German accent]'' Take it easy. I think we can handle this without getting rough. Duffy, get behind him.
:'''Duffy''': Right, Sarge.
:'''Sergeant''': Okay Now, when I say the word, we're all going to jump into him at once. Alright then, is everybody ready? '''LET'S DO IT!''' ''[The sergeant and 3 policemen jump at Sonic]''
:'''Police officer #3''': Okay, Sarge, I think I got his leg!
:'''Police officer #2''': I got 'em round the neck, Sarge!
:'''Sergeant''': Alright, let's put him out at the count to 3. 1, 2, 3! ''[the officers all pull, and fall over. They were in fact holding onto themselves; Sonic had dodged and was now sitting atop a patrol car, wondering what was going on. Suddenly he is enclosed in a butterfly net]''
:'''All''': Aah, aah, aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Police officer #4''': Don't worry, Sarge! I got him! ''[Sonic races off, pulling Policeman 2 along with him. The other policemen grab the net, but Sonic is too fast. He jumps over another patrol car, with its door open, but the policemen are bundled inside]''
:'''Sergeant''': Attention, all units! Attention, all units! There is a blue hedgehog headed north on Central Street, towards the on-ramp to 101. ''[cuts to 2 policemen driving]''
:'''Police officer #5''': I've never heard of a blue hedgehog before, have you?
:'''Police officer #6''': It must be one of those fancy new sports cars from overseas. Hey, if we catch it, maybe the captain will let us drive it!
:'''Police officer #5''': I bet it has one of those cute little hood ornaments that looks like a hedgehog. ''[Sonic lands on the bonnet of the car, in a pose reminiscent of a hood ornament]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[looking at the camera]'' I don't know how I got here, but I gotta find a way to get out. ''[jumps off the bonnet and races off, leaving the policemen dumbfounded]''
:'''Police officer #6''': Hey, Did you see... what I just saw?
:'''Police officer #5''': I think I did, but I wish I didn't.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Boy''': My name's Christopher. Do you have a name?
:'''Sonic''': Yeah, I have a name. My name is Sonic the Hedgehog.

====Sonic to the Rescue====

====Missile Wrist Rampage====

====Chaos Emerald Chaos====

====Cracking Knuckles====

====Techno-Teacher====
:'''Stewart''': ''[watching Chris heading back home]'' You know, maybe there's more of being a school teacher than passing out homework taking absent class. ''[eats the officer's hamburger and the officer appears behind him tapping his baton on his left palm]''
:'''Officer''': Enjoying my burger bub?! ''[Stewart turns around and sees him and runs off with the burger on his mouth and the officer chases after him]'' Hey, get back here! Stop, chewing you thief! One more nible, I'll call out the SWAT team!
====Party Hardly====

====Satellite Swindle====

====The Last Resort====
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Amy''': LET HIM GO!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

====Unfair Ball====

====Fly Spy====

====Beating Eggman - Part I====

====Beating Eggman - Part II====

===Chaos Emerald Saga===

====That's What Friends are For====

====Skirmish in the Sky====

====Depths of Danger====
:'''Amy''': ''[takes a look at her passport ID and becomes angry at the photo she just looked at]'' I look terrible!
:'''Tanaka''': Really?
:'''Chris''': You do?
:'''Cream''': Let me see.
:'''Cheese''': Chao.
:'''Amy''': Why did they have to use this picture?! I look like a lunatic!
:'''Tanaka''': Now now, Ms. Amy, I wouldn't exactly say it makes you look like a lunatic... exactly.
:'''Amy''': It makes me look like an insane, off-the-wall, out-of-control maniac! '''''I HATE IT!!!'''''

====The Adventures of Knuckles &amp; Hawk====

====The Dam Scam====

====Sonic's Scream Test====

====Cruise Blues====

====Fast Friends====

====Little Chao Lost====

====Emerald Anniversary====

====How to Catch a Hedgehog====

====A Dastardly Deed====
:'''Chris''': What do you think you're doing, Eggman?!
:'''Eggman''': Wise up! You didn't really believe that I was homesick like your loser friends, did you? The only thing I care about is establishing the Eggman Empire. I can do that on my planet, or yours. It makes no difference to me.

====Countdown to Chaos====

==Season 2==

===[[Sonic Adventure|Chaos Saga]]===

====Pure Chaos====

====A Chaotic Day====

====A Robot Rebels====

====Heads Up, Tails!====

====Revenge of the Robot====
:'''Eggman''': You punk! In that case, we're fighting in midair!

====Flood Fight====

===[[Sonic Adventure 2|Shadow Saga]]===

====Project: Shadow====

====Shadow Knows====

====Sonic's Big Break====

====Shadow World====
:'''Knuckles''': ''[off-screen]'' You idiots! I'm not Sonic!

====Robotnik's Revenge====
:'''Knuckles''': Give me back the Master Emerald!
:'''Rouge''': Sorry.

====Showdown in Space====
:'''Super Shadow''': I'm Shadow! Shadow the Hedgehog! ''[He removes his Limiter Rings to power himself up to maximum power as Crush 40's &quot;Live and Learn&quot; from the game Sonic Adventure 2 begins playing. to Sonic]'' Can you hear me?
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[to Shadow]'' Yeah! ''[He powers himself up to save the world once again.]'' I hear you!
:''[Both hedgehogs power up to stop Gerald's doomsday revenge plan once and for all!]''
:'''Super Sonic and Super Shadow''': Chaos! Control!
:''[The ARK is engulfed in a blinding white light.]''
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': Can you feel life movin' through your mind? Ooh, looks like it came back for more! Yeah!
:''[The screen flashes white as Sonic and Shadow save the world from destruction, albeit at the presumed cost of Shadow's life. The white flash fades.]''
:'''Shadow''': Maria, is this what you wanted?
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': And you can't help but follow
And puts you right back where you came!
:''[The ARK is placed back into its proper position.]''

===Egg Moon Saga Trilogy===

====Defective Detectives====

====Sunblock Solution====

====Eggman for President====

:'''Eggman''': Don't tell me, you metalic meatheads think this hero act is for real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Secretary''': Mr. President, what is it, sir?
:'''President''': Dr. Eggman! He tricked us again!
:'''Eggman''': Hehehe. You found me out, eh, Pres?
:'''President''': You've made a fool out on me for the last time!
:'''Eggman''': From the sound to the crowd, I'm the hero and you're the fool, Mr. President.
:'''President''': This is terrible!
:'''Eggman''': Just listen to those numbskulls, they're calling for me to be their new leader.
:'''President''': But, what about me?
:'''Eggman''': You, Mr. President, are my hostage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eggman''': I warn you. One step closer and he's finished!
:'''President''': Careful you don't squeeze the air out.

===Emerl Saga===

====A Date to Forget====

====Mean Machines====

====The Sewer Search====

====Prize Fights====
:'''Rouge''': Not exactly what I'd call a challenge, but here goes. ''(charges at Tails)''
:'''Tails''': ''(evades Rouge)''  Whoa! ''(skidding on his feet)'' Oh,  yeah?! ''(flies up and charges at Rouge)''
:'''Rouge''': ''(evades Tails)'' Oh.
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': ''(as Tails and Rouge exchange blows mid-air) This exciting grudge match is out and running, or should I say, flying!
:'''Rouge''': ''(lands at the edge of the ring)'' You're not bad... for an amateur.
:'''Tails''': ''(rubs his chin and charges at Rouge)'' Whoa!
:'''Rouge''': Watch out, boy. ''(stretches her arms out, confusing Tails and making him stop, she then grabs him by his hands, drags him a little closer and kisses him on the cheek)''
:'''Tails''': ''(surprised)'' Whoa! ''(Rouge dumps him out of the ring, he lands on his back and groans in shock and embarrassment)''
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': Well, it looks like Rouge the Bat sure gave Tails the kiss-off. that makes her the winner of this match!
:'''Rouge''': ''(to Tails)'' Sorry to smooch and run, but I've gotta touch up my lipstick.

====A Wild Win====

:'''Cream''': ''(Firmly)'' Emerl! You just wrecked the city. And you attacked my mother and my friends. I want to help you, Emerl, but only if you promise not to hurt anybody else. ''(Emerl's eyes slowly change back to blue.)''
:'''Cream''': Do you?
:'''Cheese''': Chao, chao!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cream''': Now, let's go! ''(Cheese clings to Cream, and they barrel towards Emerl.)''
:'''Cream''': ''(To herself)'' Emerl... I wish I didn't have to do this...

===Homebound Saga===

====Map of Mayhem====

====The Volcanic Venture====

====The Beginning of the End====

====Running Out of Time====

====Friends 'Til the End====

====A New Start====

==Season 3: Metarex Saga==

===A Cosmic Call/The Messenger from the Meteor Shower===
:''[The episode, season and Metarex Saga begin with a view from outer space from outside the planet Mobius. After a few seconds pass, we see Sonic in his super form, in the form of a golden light, zipping through space in all directions. Explosions are then seen in the form of small lights before they fade. The scene fades into the wreckage of some robots, which are very different than that of Eggman's robots. Sonic appears via teleporting, similar to Shadow. He pants after wiping out the hoard of robots and grabs his left arm while smirking with his usual flair.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[in his mind]'' He's tougher than I thought. I may have fooled around too much. I'd better finish this.
:'''Dark Oak''': Your defeat is certain. Give me the Chaos Emeralds and I will spare your life.
:''[Without any choice, Sonic spreads his hands out to let the Chaos Emeralds orbit around him.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': Chaos Control!
:''[The Chaos Emeralds start glowing in response. Dark Oak watches this as Sonic scatters the Emeralds across the universe, but at the cost of his super form without the power of the Emeralds, thus causing him to faint and fall down to Mobius. Dark Oak then sees the damage he absorbed on his left hip from Sonic as red sparks billow. He chuckles evilly.]''
:'''Dark Oak''': My odds of winning are low if I directly confront him. ''[He begins to broadcast a message through the entire universe.]'' This is a message to everyone in the galaxy. The Chaos Emeralds have scattered in all directions. Find and gather them. This is top priority. ''[Several red eyes flash behind him, showing more of his army, known as the Metarex. He then flies away from Mobius as he continues to contact the rest of his army.]'' My strategy is proceeding to Phase 2. Dispatch the assault team. ''[He disappears in a red twinkle.]'' Capture the Planet Egg from the designated world and begin the seed.
:''[Something then begins to descend towards Mobius to steal the Planet Egg. Meanwhile, while Sonic continues to unconsciously plummet back to Mobius, he reverts to his normal form and is engulfed in flames as he enters his home planet's orbit and disappears in a white twinkle when he completely enters Mobius. The 53rd episode title card &quot;The Messenger from the Meteor Shower&quot; is shown in the Japanese version, while the English version plays the &quot;Gotta Go Fast&quot; intro theme song.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': You finally had all the emeralds together. And you threw them away?
:'''Sonic''': Exactly.
:'''Knuckles''': '''''ARE YOU CRAZY?! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!'''''
:'''Sonic''': I guess we're gonna have to find them again!

===Cosmic Crisis===

===H2Whoa===
:'''Sonic''': How dare you feed me to your fish!

===An Enemy in Need===
:'''Cream''': Wow, that looks like fun!
:'''Knuckles''': Yeah, if you want to be a Yo-Yo.

===A Chilling Discovery===

===Desperately Seeking Sonic===

===Galactic Gumshoes===

===Trick Sand===

===Ship of Doom===
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Warp complete. Target verified. Now launching attack.
:''[The Scarship begins bombarding the Crimson Egg by using some of its weaker weapons first. The vibrations from the impact knocks everybody except Shadow backwards, while Rouge is knocked forwards.]''
:'''Eggman''': What's going on?
:'''Bokkun''': That stranger suddenly appeared and started atacking!
:''[Once the shaking stops, Eggman looks out the window and sees their attacking adversary.]''
:'''Eggman''': Metarex! ''[The Scarship fires more weapons at the Crimson Egg. to his minions]'' Raise the shields!
:''[His minions activate a shield around the entire ship to block the Scarship's attacks. Despite it, the ship still vibrates, showing how powerful the Scarship is.]''
:'''Decoe''': It's powerful!
:'''Bocoe''': The shields won't hold for much longer!
:'''Eggman''': Go, Shadow! ''[Shadow looks at him.]'' Unless you don't want to learn about your past...
:''[Shadow turns his head towards Eggman, as a laser fired by the Scarship is seen on the left side. The Scarship's purple eyes glow as he continues to attack the Crimson Egg. Shadow appears at the top of Eggman's ship, then launches himself towards the Scarship to counterattack the Metarex's attacks.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': How dare they underestimate me. I'll show no mercy! ''[He fires more lasers, which Shadow counters with his Spin Attack. to Shadow]'' You're pretty good. ''[Shadow moves upward, then fires himself towards the Metarex while spinning, but when he makes impact, he bounces off without dealing any damage. He stops spinning when his attack doesn't work.]'' It's pointless!
:'''Shadow''': ''[unfazed]'' In that case...
:''[He spins again, this time using the Bounce Attack to attack the Scarship all over as he searches for a weak spot.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': I said it was pointless!
:''[Shadow bounces all around the Scarship, damaging him a little bit as the ship vibrates from the effects. His eyes glow as he reacts in pain from absorbing the Bounce Attack from the Ultimate Life Form. Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe observe the scene from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': Nice, Shadow!
:'''Decoe''': What's going on?
:'''Bocoe''': Beats me.
:''[Eggman places two buckets on them.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is what's going on! ''[He hammers the buckets on his two henchmen to demonstrate what Shadow is doing. They then fall down to the floor, dazed after the hammering.]'' Shadow's Bounce Attack creates reverberations inside the Hellship, destroying it from the inside.
:''[Meanwhile, Shadow continues bouncing around the Hellship as the latter yells in pain from the damage he's absorbing from the black hedgehog.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Impossible! How does he have so much power?
:''[Shadow stops spinning, then, with a Dragon Ball type scream and over a background set of gold speed lines, he summons a great deal of power and slams into the chin of the Hellship, knocking him backwards and dealing heavy damage. He growls angrily as his eyes glimmer. Shadow, meanwhile, because he doesn't have any Limiter Rings on his wrists, has fainted from exhaustion after using so much power. Eggman and Rouge witness this from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is bad! He used up all his power because he doesn't have a limiter!
:'''Rouge''': ''[to Eggman]'' What are you going to do?
:'''Eggman''': ''[typing on a keypad]'' I'll retrieve him for now!
:''[A claw extends out of the Crimson Egg to recover the unconscious Shadow. In retaliation, the Hellship starts attacking the Crimson Egg with its stronger weapons.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': You fools!
:''[He fires a swarm of missiles against the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Bokkun''': The missiles are heading straight for us!
:'''Eggman''': Shoot them down!
:''[His minions fire lasers to counterattack the missiles, but they get destroyed without dealing any damage.]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[off-screen, shocked]'' They're all destroyed!
:''[The Hellship looms closer.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[exclaims]'' Target all weapons on Metarex!
:''[Both ships go all out and fire all weapons against each other, with the Crimson Egg taking more damage from the Hellship. The Crimson Egg is knocked backwards after receiving heavy damage from the Metarex. Rouge escapes the scene in her spaceship.]''
:'''Rouge''': I don't want to get involed. Bye!
:''[She flies off to safety, while Eggman and his minions are forced to make their own escape.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[to his minions, who are typing]'' We have to retreat!
:'''Decoe''': Agreed!
:'''Bocoe''': We'll escape using the Hard Boiled Drive!
:'''Bokkun''': ''[seeing a beeping red dot on the radar]'' Torpedo closing in! Unable to evade!
:''[The torpedo missile homes in on the Crimson Egg as Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe look on in extreme terror.]''
:'''Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe''': What?
:''[KABLAM!!! The torpedo completely obliterates the Crimson Egg, presumably killing Eggman and his crew as the screen flashes white after the explosion. After the white flash fades, the Hellship plots his next move to wipe out Sonic and his Blue Typhoon crew, as well.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': ''[referring to Sonic]'' The blue hedgehog is next!
:''[Eyecatch cards for both the Asteroid Type Spaceship and Metarex Hellship/Scarship are shown. We then return to the Blue Typhoon as Rouge contacts the gang about the recent attack that wiped out the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Tails''': What? You must be kidding!
:'''Rouge''': I'm not kidding. Take a look.

===An Underground Odyssey===

===Station Break-In===

===A Metarex Melee===
:'''Super Shadow''': ''[smirks]'' I see. How we look isn't our only similarity. ''[Sonic glares at him.]'' You annoying hedgehog, give me the Chaos Emeralds!
:''[Shadow's theme starts playing.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': What are you going to do when you collect the Chaos Emeralds? ''[Shadow doesn't answer.]'' So you're just following orders again. ''[smirks]'' You're no Ultimate Life Form!
:''[Angered at that insult, Shadow attacks Sonic and the two super hedgehogs start fighting.]''

===Mission: Match-Up===
:'''Knuckles''': If I ever running into those clowns again! Huh? ''(notices the Chaotixs and screams)'' You've messed up my face! ''(lift his shovel claws)'' And now I'm gonna return the favor!

===Clash in the Cloister===

===Teasing Time===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''(to Black Narcissus)'' I don't like the way you attacked Chris and Cosmo! It's one thing to threaten them and take them prisoner, but when you actually hurt somebody, that's going too far.
:'''Decoe''': You said it, Doctor!
:'''Bocoe''': Even we have some principles.

===A Revolutionary Tale===

===The Planet of Misfortune===
:'''Tails''': What's wrong, Cosmo? Why are you here by yourself?
:'''Cosmo''': Hi, Tails. The Marmolims are really happy their planet is saved. You must be happy too.
:'''Tails''': I feel lucky to be working in such terrific teammates, especially with you.
:'''Cosmo''': ''(Blushes)'' I didn't do anything.
:'''Tails''': You're wrong, Cosmo.
:'''Cosmo''': Huh?
:'''Tails''': You found us to help stop the Metarex. Don't you ever forget that. You're not sorry you found us, are ya?
:'''Cosmo''': Of course I'm sorry. Why would you think that? Oh! That came out wrong, I mean, I'm not sorry I met you.
:'''Tails''': ''[laughing]'' Don't worry, I know what you meant. I'll see you later!
:'''Cosmo''': Oh, hold on, Tails! ''(She trips over the rope)'' Whoa!
:''[Tails catches Cosmo and they both bounced up and into the water.]''
:'''Tails''': Are you OK?
:'''Cosmo''': I'm fine. I wonder what that was?

===Terror on the Typhoon===

===Hedgehog Hunt===

===Zelkova Strikes Back===
:'''Yellow Zelkova''': Prepare to meet your doom! Prepare to perish! Prepare to succumb to the evil that is Yellow Zelkova! Prepare to... Prepare to...
:'''Amy''': Prepare to battle?
:'''Tails''': I don't know. &quot;Battle&quot; seems kind of weak, doesn't it?

===The Cosmo Conspiracy===
:'''Tails''': ''[hearing the buzzer go off and talking over the intercom]'' Red alert! Red alert! We have an intruder on board the ship!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': ''[looming over Cosmo]'' You traitor!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rouge''': ''(To Knuckles)'' Are all red-heads as temperamental as you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': Hand that girl over now. I don't want to fight you Tails, but I will if I have to.
:'''Tails''': Cosmo never did anything to harm you! Why are you after her anyway?!
:'''Shadow''': I'm not going to tell you. Now, move aside, or you'll be sorry.
:'''Tails''': Forget it, Shadow! I won't let you hurt Cosmo!
:'''Shadow''': I'm warning you. This is your last chance, Tails. Give up now, or face the consequences.

===Eye Spy===
:'''Knuckles''': ''[about the device that the Metarex planted inside Cosmo's head]'' Can we stop it?
:'''Chris''': I'm not sure. If we do she won't be the same. The signal is controlling her sight and hearing. If we remove it she may not be able to hear or see again.
:'''Knuckles''': ''[Growls]'' Then that's a chance we have to take.
:'''Tails''': How can you say that?! I'm not letting anyone hurt Cosmo!
:'''Knuckles''': We don't want to hurt her. We just want to set her free, and if she has to lose her eyes and ears, then so be it!
:'''Tails''': There has to be another way!

===Agent of Mischief===
:'''Cosmo''': ''[To Bokkun]'' I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are those numbers on your TV counting down?
:'''Bokkun''': Hmm... I forgot these messages self-destruct at the end. Cover your ears! It's going to be a big bang!
:''[cue explosion]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Betcha didn't know watching TV could be so exciting.
:'''Cream''': That was not fun.

===The Light in the Darkness===

===A Fearless Friend===

===So Long Sonic===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''[laughing]'' Now that Sonic's team is down by one little annoying pipsqueak, I can get back to building the Eggman Empire!
:'''Bokkun, Decoe, and Bocoe''': Alright!
:'''Knuckles''': Eggman better not touch the Master Emerald!
:'''Amy''': I have to come warn Sonic.
:'''Cream''': Come on Cheese. Our friends need our help!
:'''Cheese''': Chao!
:'''Rouge''': I guess I'll join in, too. This team could use a little glamour.
:'''Tails''': Time to rev up the X-Tornado, you guys!
:'''Sonic''': Life never stays slow around here for long! Thanks goodness. Watch out, Eggman! I'm comin' at ya full speed!

==Cast==
* [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]] - [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Shadow the Hedgehog]]
* Suzanne Goldish
* [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]] - [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]]
* [[w:Mike Pollock (voice actor)|Mike Pollock]] - [[w:Dr. Eggman|Dr. Eggman]]
* [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] - [[w:Amy Rose|Amy Rose]]
* Rebecca Honig
* Amy Palant
* T.R. Shields
* Frank Frankson
* [[Eric Stuart]]
* Megan Hollingshead
* Darren Dunstan
* Tara Jayne
* Kerry Williams
* Karen Neill
* Jerry Lobozzo
* Ed Paul
* Andrew Rannells
* Kayzie Rogers
* Jimmy Zoppi
* [[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]]
* [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:CW shows]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about hedgehogs]]
[[Category:Animated series based on Sonic the Hedgehog]]</text>
      <sha1>ey8d2nm9m4ladzjx6hz1h7a37ydti9g</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607343</id>
      <parentid>3607341</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:59:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>71.163.9.228</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pure Chaos */</comment>
      <origin>3607343</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24360" sha1="p8hykr7yjjhhe1clrp1f20v1j8whzoh" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Sonic X|Sonic X]]''''' is an anime about Sonic the Hedgehog. This page contains various quotes combined from both the English 4Kids Entertainment dub and the original Japanese version of Sonic X.

==Season 1==

===New World Saga===

====Chaos Control Freaks====

:'''Dr. Eggman''': You'll never stop me now, Sonic! All I have to do is to push this little button.
:'''Sonic the Hedgehog''': Yeah, if you can push it before I grab it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Truck driver''': What is this, '''[[w:Halloween|Halloween]]'''?!
:'''Sonic''': So they can talk...
:'''Police officer #1''': What is that thing?
:'''Police officer #2''': Looks like a big hedgehog.
:'''Police officer #1''': A blue hedgehog?
:'''Police officer #2''': Well, whatever it is, we better get it out of here. Hey, buddy, want to ride with us down to the station?
:'''Police officer #1''': Should I call for backup?
:'''Police officer #2''': I have three kitty cats at home. I think I can handle this little fella. ''[Sonic folds his arms and frowns]''
:'''Police officer #1''': Did you see that? That thing's got an '''[[w:Attitude (psychology)|attitude]]'''. A bad one.
:'''Police officer #2''': Yeah? Well, He won't get away from me! ''[lunges at Sonic but Sonic dodges]''
:'''Police officer #1''': ''[drawing his truncheon]'' Why, you little--
:'''Sergeant''': ''[in slight German accent]'' Take it easy. I think we can handle this without getting rough. Duffy, get behind him.
:'''Duffy''': Right, Sarge.
:'''Sergeant''': Okay Now, when I say the word, we're all going to jump into him at once. Alright then, is everybody ready? '''LET'S DO IT!''' ''[The sergeant and 3 policemen jump at Sonic]''
:'''Police officer #3''': Okay, Sarge, I think I got his leg!
:'''Police officer #2''': I got 'em round the neck, Sarge!
:'''Sergeant''': Alright, let's put him out at the count to 3. 1, 2, 3! ''[the officers all pull, and fall over. They were in fact holding onto themselves; Sonic had dodged and was now sitting atop a patrol car, wondering what was going on. Suddenly he is enclosed in a butterfly net]''
:'''All''': Aah, aah, aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Police officer #4''': Don't worry, Sarge! I got him! ''[Sonic races off, pulling Policeman 2 along with him. The other policemen grab the net, but Sonic is too fast. He jumps over another patrol car, with its door open, but the policemen are bundled inside]''
:'''Sergeant''': Attention, all units! Attention, all units! There is a blue hedgehog headed north on Central Street, towards the on-ramp to 101. ''[cuts to 2 policemen driving]''
:'''Police officer #5''': I've never heard of a blue hedgehog before, have you?
:'''Police officer #6''': It must be one of those fancy new sports cars from overseas. Hey, if we catch it, maybe the captain will let us drive it!
:'''Police officer #5''': I bet it has one of those cute little hood ornaments that looks like a hedgehog. ''[Sonic lands on the bonnet of the car, in a pose reminiscent of a hood ornament]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[looking at the camera]'' I don't know how I got here, but I gotta find a way to get out. ''[jumps off the bonnet and races off, leaving the policemen dumbfounded]''
:'''Police officer #6''': Hey, Did you see... what I just saw?
:'''Police officer #5''': I think I did, but I wish I didn't.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Boy''': My name's Christopher. Do you have a name?
:'''Sonic''': Yeah, I have a name. My name is Sonic the Hedgehog.

====Sonic to the Rescue====

====Missile Wrist Rampage====

====Chaos Emerald Chaos====

====Cracking Knuckles====

====Techno-Teacher====
:'''Stewart''': ''[watching Chris heading back home]'' You know, maybe there's more of being a school teacher than passing out homework taking absent class. ''[eats the officer's hamburger and the officer appears behind him tapping his baton on his left palm]''
:'''Officer''': Enjoying my burger bub?! ''[Stewart turns around and sees him and runs off with the burger on his mouth and the officer chases after him]'' Hey, get back here! Stop, chewing you thief! One more nible, I'll call out the SWAT team!
====Party Hardly====

====Satellite Swindle====

====The Last Resort====
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Amy''': LET HIM GO!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

====Unfair Ball====

====Fly Spy====

====Beating Eggman - Part I====

====Beating Eggman - Part II====

===Chaos Emerald Saga===

====That's What Friends are For====

====Skirmish in the Sky====

====Depths of Danger====
:'''Amy''': ''[takes a look at her passport ID and becomes angry at the photo she just looked at]'' I look terrible!
:'''Tanaka''': Really?
:'''Chris''': You do?
:'''Cream''': Let me see.
:'''Cheese''': Chao.
:'''Amy''': Why did they have to use this picture?! I look like a lunatic!
:'''Tanaka''': Now now, Ms. Amy, I wouldn't exactly say it makes you look like a lunatic... exactly.
:'''Amy''': It makes me look like an insane, off-the-wall, out-of-control maniac! '''''I HATE IT!!!'''''

====The Adventures of Knuckles &amp; Hawk====

====The Dam Scam====

====Sonic's Scream Test====

====Cruise Blues====

====Fast Friends====

====Little Chao Lost====

====Emerald Anniversary====

====How to Catch a Hedgehog====

====A Dastardly Deed====
:'''Chris''': What do you think you're doing, Eggman?!
:'''Eggman''': Wise up! You didn't really believe that I was homesick like your loser friends, did you? The only thing I care about is establishing the Eggman Empire. I can do that on my planet, or yours. It makes no difference to me.

====Countdown to Chaos====

==Season 2==

===[[Sonic Adventure|Chaos Saga]]===

====Pure Chaos====
:'''Knuckles''': ''[off-screen]'' Hold it, Eggman!

====A Chaotic Day====

====A Robot Rebels====

====Heads Up, Tails!====

====Revenge of the Robot====
:'''Eggman''': You punk! In that case, we're fighting in midair!

====Flood Fight====

===[[Sonic Adventure 2|Shadow Saga]]===

====Project: Shadow====

====Shadow Knows====

====Sonic's Big Break====

====Shadow World====
:'''Knuckles''': ''[off-screen]'' You idiots! I'm not Sonic!

====Robotnik's Revenge====
:'''Knuckles''': Give me back the Master Emerald!
:'''Rouge''': Sorry.

====Showdown in Space====
:'''Super Shadow''': I'm Shadow! Shadow the Hedgehog! ''[He removes his Limiter Rings to power himself up to maximum power as Crush 40's &quot;Live and Learn&quot; from the game Sonic Adventure 2 begins playing. to Sonic]'' Can you hear me?
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[to Shadow]'' Yeah! ''[He powers himself up to save the world once again.]'' I hear you!
:''[Both hedgehogs power up to stop Gerald's doomsday revenge plan once and for all!]''
:'''Super Sonic and Super Shadow''': Chaos! Control!
:''[The ARK is engulfed in a blinding white light.]''
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': Can you feel life movin' through your mind? Ooh, looks like it came back for more! Yeah!
:''[The screen flashes white as Sonic and Shadow save the world from destruction, albeit at the presumed cost of Shadow's life. The white flash fades.]''
:'''Shadow''': Maria, is this what you wanted?
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': And you can't help but follow
And puts you right back where you came!
:''[The ARK is placed back into its proper position.]''

===Egg Moon Saga Trilogy===

====Defective Detectives====

====Sunblock Solution====

====Eggman for President====

:'''Eggman''': Don't tell me, you metalic meatheads think this hero act is for real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Secretary''': Mr. President, what is it, sir?
:'''President''': Dr. Eggman! He tricked us again!
:'''Eggman''': Hehehe. You found me out, eh, Pres?
:'''President''': You've made a fool out on me for the last time!
:'''Eggman''': From the sound to the crowd, I'm the hero and you're the fool, Mr. President.
:'''President''': This is terrible!
:'''Eggman''': Just listen to those numbskulls, they're calling for me to be their new leader.
:'''President''': But, what about me?
:'''Eggman''': You, Mr. President, are my hostage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eggman''': I warn you. One step closer and he's finished!
:'''President''': Careful you don't squeeze the air out.

===Emerl Saga===

====A Date to Forget====

====Mean Machines====

====The Sewer Search====

====Prize Fights====
:'''Rouge''': Not exactly what I'd call a challenge, but here goes. ''(charges at Tails)''
:'''Tails''': ''(evades Rouge)''  Whoa! ''(skidding on his feet)'' Oh,  yeah?! ''(flies up and charges at Rouge)''
:'''Rouge''': ''(evades Tails)'' Oh.
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': ''(as Tails and Rouge exchange blows mid-air) This exciting grudge match is out and running, or should I say, flying!
:'''Rouge''': ''(lands at the edge of the ring)'' You're not bad... for an amateur.
:'''Tails''': ''(rubs his chin and charges at Rouge)'' Whoa!
:'''Rouge''': Watch out, boy. ''(stretches her arms out, confusing Tails and making him stop, she then grabs him by his hands, drags him a little closer and kisses him on the cheek)''
:'''Tails''': ''(surprised)'' Whoa! ''(Rouge dumps him out of the ring, he lands on his back and groans in shock and embarrassment)''
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': Well, it looks like Rouge the Bat sure gave Tails the kiss-off. that makes her the winner of this match!
:'''Rouge''': ''(to Tails)'' Sorry to smooch and run, but I've gotta touch up my lipstick.

====A Wild Win====

:'''Cream''': ''(Firmly)'' Emerl! You just wrecked the city. And you attacked my mother and my friends. I want to help you, Emerl, but only if you promise not to hurt anybody else. ''(Emerl's eyes slowly change back to blue.)''
:'''Cream''': Do you?
:'''Cheese''': Chao, chao!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cream''': Now, let's go! ''(Cheese clings to Cream, and they barrel towards Emerl.)''
:'''Cream''': ''(To herself)'' Emerl... I wish I didn't have to do this...

===Homebound Saga===

====Map of Mayhem====

====The Volcanic Venture====

====The Beginning of the End====

====Running Out of Time====

====Friends 'Til the End====

====A New Start====

==Season 3: Metarex Saga==

===A Cosmic Call/The Messenger from the Meteor Shower===
:''[The episode, season and Metarex Saga begin with a view from outer space from outside the planet Mobius. After a few seconds pass, we see Sonic in his super form, in the form of a golden light, zipping through space in all directions. Explosions are then seen in the form of small lights before they fade. The scene fades into the wreckage of some robots, which are very different than that of Eggman's robots. Sonic appears via teleporting, similar to Shadow. He pants after wiping out the hoard of robots and grabs his left arm while smirking with his usual flair.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[in his mind]'' He's tougher than I thought. I may have fooled around too much. I'd better finish this.
:'''Dark Oak''': Your defeat is certain. Give me the Chaos Emeralds and I will spare your life.
:''[Without any choice, Sonic spreads his hands out to let the Chaos Emeralds orbit around him.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': Chaos Control!
:''[The Chaos Emeralds start glowing in response. Dark Oak watches this as Sonic scatters the Emeralds across the universe, but at the cost of his super form without the power of the Emeralds, thus causing him to faint and fall down to Mobius. Dark Oak then sees the damage he absorbed on his left hip from Sonic as red sparks billow. He chuckles evilly.]''
:'''Dark Oak''': My odds of winning are low if I directly confront him. ''[He begins to broadcast a message through the entire universe.]'' This is a message to everyone in the galaxy. The Chaos Emeralds have scattered in all directions. Find and gather them. This is top priority. ''[Several red eyes flash behind him, showing more of his army, known as the Metarex. He then flies away from Mobius as he continues to contact the rest of his army.]'' My strategy is proceeding to Phase 2. Dispatch the assault team. ''[He disappears in a red twinkle.]'' Capture the Planet Egg from the designated world and begin the seed.
:''[Something then begins to descend towards Mobius to steal the Planet Egg. Meanwhile, while Sonic continues to unconsciously plummet back to Mobius, he reverts to his normal form and is engulfed in flames as he enters his home planet's orbit and disappears in a white twinkle when he completely enters Mobius. The 53rd episode title card &quot;The Messenger from the Meteor Shower&quot; is shown in the Japanese version, while the English version plays the &quot;Gotta Go Fast&quot; intro theme song.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': You finally had all the emeralds together. And you threw them away?
:'''Sonic''': Exactly.
:'''Knuckles''': '''''ARE YOU CRAZY?! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!'''''
:'''Sonic''': I guess we're gonna have to find them again!

===Cosmic Crisis===

===H2Whoa===
:'''Sonic''': How dare you feed me to your fish!

===An Enemy in Need===
:'''Cream''': Wow, that looks like fun!
:'''Knuckles''': Yeah, if you want to be a Yo-Yo.

===A Chilling Discovery===

===Desperately Seeking Sonic===

===Galactic Gumshoes===

===Trick Sand===

===Ship of Doom===
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Warp complete. Target verified. Now launching attack.
:''[The Scarship begins bombarding the Crimson Egg by using some of its weaker weapons first. The vibrations from the impact knocks everybody except Shadow backwards, while Rouge is knocked forwards.]''
:'''Eggman''': What's going on?
:'''Bokkun''': That stranger suddenly appeared and started atacking!
:''[Once the shaking stops, Eggman looks out the window and sees their attacking adversary.]''
:'''Eggman''': Metarex! ''[The Scarship fires more weapons at the Crimson Egg. to his minions]'' Raise the shields!
:''[His minions activate a shield around the entire ship to block the Scarship's attacks. Despite it, the ship still vibrates, showing how powerful the Scarship is.]''
:'''Decoe''': It's powerful!
:'''Bocoe''': The shields won't hold for much longer!
:'''Eggman''': Go, Shadow! ''[Shadow looks at him.]'' Unless you don't want to learn about your past...
:''[Shadow turns his head towards Eggman, as a laser fired by the Scarship is seen on the left side. The Scarship's purple eyes glow as he continues to attack the Crimson Egg. Shadow appears at the top of Eggman's ship, then launches himself towards the Scarship to counterattack the Metarex's attacks.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': How dare they underestimate me. I'll show no mercy! ''[He fires more lasers, which Shadow counters with his Spin Attack. to Shadow]'' You're pretty good. ''[Shadow moves upward, then fires himself towards the Metarex while spinning, but when he makes impact, he bounces off without dealing any damage. He stops spinning when his attack doesn't work.]'' It's pointless!
:'''Shadow''': ''[unfazed]'' In that case...
:''[He spins again, this time using the Bounce Attack to attack the Scarship all over as he searches for a weak spot.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': I said it was pointless!
:''[Shadow bounces all around the Scarship, damaging him a little bit as the ship vibrates from the effects. His eyes glow as he reacts in pain from absorbing the Bounce Attack from the Ultimate Life Form. Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe observe the scene from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': Nice, Shadow!
:'''Decoe''': What's going on?
:'''Bocoe''': Beats me.
:''[Eggman places two buckets on them.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is what's going on! ''[He hammers the buckets on his two henchmen to demonstrate what Shadow is doing. They then fall down to the floor, dazed after the hammering.]'' Shadow's Bounce Attack creates reverberations inside the Hellship, destroying it from the inside.
:''[Meanwhile, Shadow continues bouncing around the Hellship as the latter yells in pain from the damage he's absorbing from the black hedgehog.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Impossible! How does he have so much power?
:''[Shadow stops spinning, then, with a Dragon Ball type scream and over a background set of gold speed lines, he summons a great deal of power and slams into the chin of the Hellship, knocking him backwards and dealing heavy damage. He growls angrily as his eyes glimmer. Shadow, meanwhile, because he doesn't have any Limiter Rings on his wrists, has fainted from exhaustion after using so much power. Eggman and Rouge witness this from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is bad! He used up all his power because he doesn't have a limiter!
:'''Rouge''': ''[to Eggman]'' What are you going to do?
:'''Eggman''': ''[typing on a keypad]'' I'll retrieve him for now!
:''[A claw extends out of the Crimson Egg to recover the unconscious Shadow. In retaliation, the Hellship starts attacking the Crimson Egg with its stronger weapons.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': You fools!
:''[He fires a swarm of missiles against the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Bokkun''': The missiles are heading straight for us!
:'''Eggman''': Shoot them down!
:''[His minions fire lasers to counterattack the missiles, but they get destroyed without dealing any damage.]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[off-screen, shocked]'' They're all destroyed!
:''[The Hellship looms closer.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[exclaims]'' Target all weapons on Metarex!
:''[Both ships go all out and fire all weapons against each other, with the Crimson Egg taking more damage from the Hellship. The Crimson Egg is knocked backwards after receiving heavy damage from the Metarex. Rouge escapes the scene in her spaceship.]''
:'''Rouge''': I don't want to get involed. Bye!
:''[She flies off to safety, while Eggman and his minions are forced to make their own escape.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[to his minions, who are typing]'' We have to retreat!
:'''Decoe''': Agreed!
:'''Bocoe''': We'll escape using the Hard Boiled Drive!
:'''Bokkun''': ''[seeing a beeping red dot on the radar]'' Torpedo closing in! Unable to evade!
:''[The torpedo missile homes in on the Crimson Egg as Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe look on in extreme terror.]''
:'''Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe''': What?
:''[KABLAM!!! The torpedo completely obliterates the Crimson Egg, presumably killing Eggman and his crew as the screen flashes white after the explosion. After the white flash fades, the Hellship plots his next move to wipe out Sonic and his Blue Typhoon crew, as well.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': ''[referring to Sonic]'' The blue hedgehog is next!
:''[Eyecatch cards for both the Asteroid Type Spaceship and Metarex Hellship/Scarship are shown. We then return to the Blue Typhoon as Rouge contacts the gang about the recent attack that wiped out the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Tails''': What? You must be kidding!
:'''Rouge''': I'm not kidding. Take a look.

===An Underground Odyssey===

===Station Break-In===

===A Metarex Melee===
:'''Super Shadow''': ''[smirks]'' I see. How we look isn't our only similarity. ''[Sonic glares at him.]'' You annoying hedgehog, give me the Chaos Emeralds!
:''[Shadow's theme starts playing.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': What are you going to do when you collect the Chaos Emeralds? ''[Shadow doesn't answer.]'' So you're just following orders again. ''[smirks]'' You're no Ultimate Life Form!
:''[Angered at that insult, Shadow attacks Sonic and the two super hedgehogs start fighting.]''

===Mission: Match-Up===
:'''Knuckles''': If I ever running into those clowns again! Huh? ''(notices the Chaotixs and screams)'' You've messed up my face! ''(lift his shovel claws)'' And now I'm gonna return the favor!

===Clash in the Cloister===

===Teasing Time===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''(to Black Narcissus)'' I don't like the way you attacked Chris and Cosmo! It's one thing to threaten them and take them prisoner, but when you actually hurt somebody, that's going too far.
:'''Decoe''': You said it, Doctor!
:'''Bocoe''': Even we have some principles.

===A Revolutionary Tale===

===The Planet of Misfortune===
:'''Tails''': What's wrong, Cosmo? Why are you here by yourself?
:'''Cosmo''': Hi, Tails. The Marmolims are really happy their planet is saved. You must be happy too.
:'''Tails''': I feel lucky to be working in such terrific teammates, especially with you.
:'''Cosmo''': ''(Blushes)'' I didn't do anything.
:'''Tails''': You're wrong, Cosmo.
:'''Cosmo''': Huh?
:'''Tails''': You found us to help stop the Metarex. Don't you ever forget that. You're not sorry you found us, are ya?
:'''Cosmo''': Of course I'm sorry. Why would you think that? Oh! That came out wrong, I mean, I'm not sorry I met you.
:'''Tails''': ''[laughing]'' Don't worry, I know what you meant. I'll see you later!
:'''Cosmo''': Oh, hold on, Tails! ''(She trips over the rope)'' Whoa!
:''[Tails catches Cosmo and they both bounced up and into the water.]''
:'''Tails''': Are you OK?
:'''Cosmo''': I'm fine. I wonder what that was?

===Terror on the Typhoon===

===Hedgehog Hunt===

===Zelkova Strikes Back===
:'''Yellow Zelkova''': Prepare to meet your doom! Prepare to perish! Prepare to succumb to the evil that is Yellow Zelkova! Prepare to... Prepare to...
:'''Amy''': Prepare to battle?
:'''Tails''': I don't know. &quot;Battle&quot; seems kind of weak, doesn't it?

===The Cosmo Conspiracy===
:'''Tails''': ''[hearing the buzzer go off and talking over the intercom]'' Red alert! Red alert! We have an intruder on board the ship!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': ''[looming over Cosmo]'' You traitor!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rouge''': ''(To Knuckles)'' Are all red-heads as temperamental as you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': Hand that girl over now. I don't want to fight you Tails, but I will if I have to.
:'''Tails''': Cosmo never did anything to harm you! Why are you after her anyway?!
:'''Shadow''': I'm not going to tell you. Now, move aside, or you'll be sorry.
:'''Tails''': Forget it, Shadow! I won't let you hurt Cosmo!
:'''Shadow''': I'm warning you. This is your last chance, Tails. Give up now, or face the consequences.

===Eye Spy===
:'''Knuckles''': ''[about the device that the Metarex planted inside Cosmo's head]'' Can we stop it?
:'''Chris''': I'm not sure. If we do she won't be the same. The signal is controlling her sight and hearing. If we remove it she may not be able to hear or see again.
:'''Knuckles''': ''[Growls]'' Then that's a chance we have to take.
:'''Tails''': How can you say that?! I'm not letting anyone hurt Cosmo!
:'''Knuckles''': We don't want to hurt her. We just want to set her free, and if she has to lose her eyes and ears, then so be it!
:'''Tails''': There has to be another way!

===Agent of Mischief===
:'''Cosmo''': ''[To Bokkun]'' I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are those numbers on your TV counting down?
:'''Bokkun''': Hmm... I forgot these messages self-destruct at the end. Cover your ears! It's going to be a big bang!
:''[cue explosion]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Betcha didn't know watching TV could be so exciting.
:'''Cream''': That was not fun.

===The Light in the Darkness===

===A Fearless Friend===

===So Long Sonic===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''[laughing]'' Now that Sonic's team is down by one little annoying pipsqueak, I can get back to building the Eggman Empire!
:'''Bokkun, Decoe, and Bocoe''': Alright!
:'''Knuckles''': Eggman better not touch the Master Emerald!
:'''Amy''': I have to come warn Sonic.
:'''Cream''': Come on Cheese. Our friends need our help!
:'''Cheese''': Chao!
:'''Rouge''': I guess I'll join in, too. This team could use a little glamour.
:'''Tails''': Time to rev up the X-Tornado, you guys!
:'''Sonic''': Life never stays slow around here for long! Thanks goodness. Watch out, Eggman! I'm comin' at ya full speed!

==Cast==
* [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]] - [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Shadow the Hedgehog]]
* Suzanne Goldish
* [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]] - [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]]
* [[w:Mike Pollock (voice actor)|Mike Pollock]] - [[w:Dr. Eggman|Dr. Eggman]]
* [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] - [[w:Amy Rose|Amy Rose]]
* Rebecca Honig
* Amy Palant
* T.R. Shields
* Frank Frankson
* [[Eric Stuart]]
* Megan Hollingshead
* Darren Dunstan
* Tara Jayne
* Kerry Williams
* Karen Neill
* Jerry Lobozzo
* Ed Paul
* Andrew Rannells
* Kayzie Rogers
* Jimmy Zoppi
* [[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]]
* [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:CW shows]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about hedgehogs]]
[[Category:Animated series based on Sonic the Hedgehog]]</text>
      <sha1>p8hykr7yjjhhe1clrp1f20v1j8whzoh</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607363</id>
      <parentid>3607343</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T02:01:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>71.163.9.228</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Season 2 */</comment>
      <origin>3607363</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24377" sha1="m451x961yxrk1q7681460qiw0jlgsla" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Sonic X|Sonic X]]''''' is an anime about Sonic the Hedgehog. This page contains various quotes combined from both the English 4Kids Entertainment dub and the original Japanese version of Sonic X.

==Season 1==

===New World Saga===

====Chaos Control Freaks====

:'''Dr. Eggman''': You'll never stop me now, Sonic! All I have to do is to push this little button.
:'''Sonic the Hedgehog''': Yeah, if you can push it before I grab it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Truck driver''': What is this, '''[[w:Halloween|Halloween]]'''?!
:'''Sonic''': So they can talk...
:'''Police officer #1''': What is that thing?
:'''Police officer #2''': Looks like a big hedgehog.
:'''Police officer #1''': A blue hedgehog?
:'''Police officer #2''': Well, whatever it is, we better get it out of here. Hey, buddy, want to ride with us down to the station?
:'''Police officer #1''': Should I call for backup?
:'''Police officer #2''': I have three kitty cats at home. I think I can handle this little fella. ''[Sonic folds his arms and frowns]''
:'''Police officer #1''': Did you see that? That thing's got an '''[[w:Attitude (psychology)|attitude]]'''. A bad one.
:'''Police officer #2''': Yeah? Well, He won't get away from me! ''[lunges at Sonic but Sonic dodges]''
:'''Police officer #1''': ''[drawing his truncheon]'' Why, you little--
:'''Sergeant''': ''[in slight German accent]'' Take it easy. I think we can handle this without getting rough. Duffy, get behind him.
:'''Duffy''': Right, Sarge.
:'''Sergeant''': Okay Now, when I say the word, we're all going to jump into him at once. Alright then, is everybody ready? '''LET'S DO IT!''' ''[The sergeant and 3 policemen jump at Sonic]''
:'''Police officer #3''': Okay, Sarge, I think I got his leg!
:'''Police officer #2''': I got 'em round the neck, Sarge!
:'''Sergeant''': Alright, let's put him out at the count to 3. 1, 2, 3! ''[the officers all pull, and fall over. They were in fact holding onto themselves; Sonic had dodged and was now sitting atop a patrol car, wondering what was going on. Suddenly he is enclosed in a butterfly net]''
:'''All''': Aah, aah, aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Police officer #4''': Don't worry, Sarge! I got him! ''[Sonic races off, pulling Policeman 2 along with him. The other policemen grab the net, but Sonic is too fast. He jumps over another patrol car, with its door open, but the policemen are bundled inside]''
:'''Sergeant''': Attention, all units! Attention, all units! There is a blue hedgehog headed north on Central Street, towards the on-ramp to 101. ''[cuts to 2 policemen driving]''
:'''Police officer #5''': I've never heard of a blue hedgehog before, have you?
:'''Police officer #6''': It must be one of those fancy new sports cars from overseas. Hey, if we catch it, maybe the captain will let us drive it!
:'''Police officer #5''': I bet it has one of those cute little hood ornaments that looks like a hedgehog. ''[Sonic lands on the bonnet of the car, in a pose reminiscent of a hood ornament]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[looking at the camera]'' I don't know how I got here, but I gotta find a way to get out. ''[jumps off the bonnet and races off, leaving the policemen dumbfounded]''
:'''Police officer #6''': Hey, Did you see... what I just saw?
:'''Police officer #5''': I think I did, but I wish I didn't.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Boy''': My name's Christopher. Do you have a name?
:'''Sonic''': Yeah, I have a name. My name is Sonic the Hedgehog.

====Sonic to the Rescue====

====Missile Wrist Rampage====

====Chaos Emerald Chaos====

====Cracking Knuckles====

====Techno-Teacher====
:'''Stewart''': ''[watching Chris heading back home]'' You know, maybe there's more of being a school teacher than passing out homework taking absent class. ''[eats the officer's hamburger and the officer appears behind him tapping his baton on his left palm]''
:'''Officer''': Enjoying my burger bub?! ''[Stewart turns around and sees him and runs off with the burger on his mouth and the officer chases after him]'' Hey, get back here! Stop, chewing you thief! One more nible, I'll call out the SWAT team!
====Party Hardly====

====Satellite Swindle====

====The Last Resort====
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Amy''': LET HIM GO!!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

====Unfair Ball====

====Fly Spy====

====Beating Eggman - Part I====

====Beating Eggman - Part II====

===Chaos Emerald Saga===

====That's What Friends are For====

====Skirmish in the Sky====

====Depths of Danger====
:'''Amy''': ''[takes a look at her passport ID and becomes angry at the photo she just looked at]'' I look terrible!
:'''Tanaka''': Really?
:'''Chris''': You do?
:'''Cream''': Let me see.
:'''Cheese''': Chao.
:'''Amy''': Why did they have to use this picture?! I look like a lunatic!
:'''Tanaka''': Now now, Ms. Amy, I wouldn't exactly say it makes you look like a lunatic... exactly.
:'''Amy''': It makes me look like an insane, off-the-wall, out-of-control maniac! '''''I HATE IT!!!'''''

====The Adventures of Knuckles &amp; Hawk====

====The Dam Scam====

====Sonic's Scream Test====

====Cruise Blues====

====Fast Friends====

====Little Chao Lost====

====Emerald Anniversary====

====How to Catch a Hedgehog====

====A Dastardly Deed====
:'''Chris''': What do you think you're doing, Eggman?!
:'''Eggman''': Wise up! You didn't really believe that I was homesick like your loser friends, did you? The only thing I care about is establishing the Eggman Empire. I can do that on my planet, or yours. It makes no difference to me.

====Countdown to Chaos====

==Season 2==

===[[Sonic Adventure|Chaos Saga]]===

====Pure Chaos====
:'''Knuckles''': ''[off-screen]'' Hold it, Eggman!

====A Chaotic Day====

====A Robot Rebels====

====Heads Up, Tails!====

====Revenge of the Robot====
:'''Eggman''': You punk! In that case, we're fighting in midair!

====Flood Fight====

===[[Sonic Adventure 2|Shadow Saga]]===

====Project: Shadow====

====Shadow Knows====

====Sonic's Big Break====

====Shadow World====
:'''Knuckles''': ''[off-screen]'' You idiots! I'm not Sonic!

====Robotnik's Revenge====
:'''Knuckles''': Give me back the Master Emerald!
:'''Rouge''': Sorry.

====Showdown in Space====
:'''Super Shadow''': I'm Shadow! Shadow the Hedgehog! ''[He removes his Limiter Rings to power himself up to maximum power as Crush 40's &quot;Live and Learn&quot; from the game Sonic Adventure 2 begins playing. to Sonic]'' Can you hear me?
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[to Shadow]'' Yeah! ''[He powers himself up to save the world once again.]'' I hear you!
:''[Both hedgehogs power up to stop Gerald's doomsday revenge plan once and for all!]''
:'''Super Sonic and Super Shadow''': Chaos! Control!
:''[The ARK is engulfed in a blinding white light.]''
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': Can you feel life movin' through your mind? Ooh, looks like it came back for more! Yeah!
:''[The screen flashes white as Sonic and Shadow save the world from destruction, albeit at the presumed cost of Shadow's life. The white flash fades.]''
:'''Shadow''': Maria, is this what you wanted?
:'''Johnny Gioeli''': And you can't help but follow
And puts you right back where you came!
:''[The ARK is placed back into its proper position.]''

===Egg Moon Saga Trilogy===

====Defective Detectives====

====Sunblock Solution====

====Eggman for President====

:'''Eggman''': Don't tell me, you metalic meatheads think this hero act is for real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Secretary''': Mr. President, what is it, sir?
:'''President''': Dr. Eggman! He tricked us again!
:'''Eggman''': Hehehe. You found me out, eh, Pres?
:'''President''': You've made a fool out on me for the last time!
:'''Eggman''': From the sound to the crowd, I'm the hero and you're the fool, Mr. President.
:'''President''': This is terrible!
:'''Eggman''': Just listen to those numbskulls, they're calling for me to be their new leader.
:'''President''': But, what about me?
:'''Eggman''': You, Mr. President, are my hostage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eggman''': I warn you. One step closer and he's finished!
:'''President''': Careful you don't squeeze the air out.

===[[Sonic Battle|Emerl Saga]]===

====A Date to Forget====

====Mean Machines====

====The Sewer Search====

====Prize Fights====
:'''Rouge''': Not exactly what I'd call a challenge, but here goes. ''(charges at Tails)''
:'''Tails''': ''(evades Rouge)''  Whoa! ''(skidding on his feet)'' Oh,  yeah?! ''(flies up and charges at Rouge)''
:'''Rouge''': ''(evades Tails)'' Oh.
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': ''(as Tails and Rouge exchange blows mid-air) This exciting grudge match is out and running, or should I say, flying!
:'''Rouge''': ''(lands at the edge of the ring)'' You're not bad... for an amateur.
:'''Tails''': ''(rubs his chin and charges at Rouge)'' Whoa!
:'''Rouge''': Watch out, boy. ''(stretches her arms out, confusing Tails and making him stop, she then grabs him by his hands, drags him a little closer and kisses him on the cheek)''
:'''Tails''': ''(surprised)'' Whoa! ''(Rouge dumps him out of the ring, he lands on his back and groans in shock and embarrassment)''
:'''Scarlett Garcia''': Well, it looks like Rouge the Bat sure gave Tails the kiss-off. that makes her the winner of this match!
:'''Rouge''': ''(to Tails)'' Sorry to smooch and run, but I've gotta touch up my lipstick.

====A Wild Win====

:'''Cream''': ''(Firmly)'' Emerl! You just wrecked the city. And you attacked my mother and my friends. I want to help you, Emerl, but only if you promise not to hurt anybody else. ''(Emerl's eyes slowly change back to blue.)''
:'''Cream''': Do you?
:'''Cheese''': Chao, chao!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cream''': Now, let's go! ''(Cheese clings to Cream, and they barrel towards Emerl.)''
:'''Cream''': ''(To herself)'' Emerl... I wish I didn't have to do this...

===Homebound Saga===

====Map of Mayhem====

====The Volcanic Venture====

====The Beginning of the End====

====Running Out of Time====

====Friends 'Til the End====

====A New Start====

==Season 3: Metarex Saga==

===A Cosmic Call/The Messenger from the Meteor Shower===
:''[The episode, season and Metarex Saga begin with a view from outer space from outside the planet Mobius. After a few seconds pass, we see Sonic in his super form, in the form of a golden light, zipping through space in all directions. Explosions are then seen in the form of small lights before they fade. The scene fades into the wreckage of some robots, which are very different than that of Eggman's robots. Sonic appears via teleporting, similar to Shadow. He pants after wiping out the hoard of robots and grabs his left arm while smirking with his usual flair.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': ''[in his mind]'' He's tougher than I thought. I may have fooled around too much. I'd better finish this.
:'''Dark Oak''': Your defeat is certain. Give me the Chaos Emeralds and I will spare your life.
:''[Without any choice, Sonic spreads his hands out to let the Chaos Emeralds orbit around him.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': Chaos Control!
:''[The Chaos Emeralds start glowing in response. Dark Oak watches this as Sonic scatters the Emeralds across the universe, but at the cost of his super form without the power of the Emeralds, thus causing him to faint and fall down to Mobius. Dark Oak then sees the damage he absorbed on his left hip from Sonic as red sparks billow. He chuckles evilly.]''
:'''Dark Oak''': My odds of winning are low if I directly confront him. ''[He begins to broadcast a message through the entire universe.]'' This is a message to everyone in the galaxy. The Chaos Emeralds have scattered in all directions. Find and gather them. This is top priority. ''[Several red eyes flash behind him, showing more of his army, known as the Metarex. He then flies away from Mobius as he continues to contact the rest of his army.]'' My strategy is proceeding to Phase 2. Dispatch the assault team. ''[He disappears in a red twinkle.]'' Capture the Planet Egg from the designated world and begin the seed.
:''[Something then begins to descend towards Mobius to steal the Planet Egg. Meanwhile, while Sonic continues to unconsciously plummet back to Mobius, he reverts to his normal form and is engulfed in flames as he enters his home planet's orbit and disappears in a white twinkle when he completely enters Mobius. The 53rd episode title card &quot;The Messenger from the Meteor Shower&quot; is shown in the Japanese version, while the English version plays the &quot;Gotta Go Fast&quot; intro theme song.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': You finally had all the emeralds together. And you threw them away?
:'''Sonic''': Exactly.
:'''Knuckles''': '''''ARE YOU CRAZY?! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!'''''
:'''Sonic''': I guess we're gonna have to find them again!

===Cosmic Crisis===

===H2Whoa===
:'''Sonic''': How dare you feed me to your fish!

===An Enemy in Need===
:'''Cream''': Wow, that looks like fun!
:'''Knuckles''': Yeah, if you want to be a Yo-Yo.

===A Chilling Discovery===

===Desperately Seeking Sonic===

===Galactic Gumshoes===

===Trick Sand===

===Ship of Doom===
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Warp complete. Target verified. Now launching attack.
:''[The Scarship begins bombarding the Crimson Egg by using some of its weaker weapons first. The vibrations from the impact knocks everybody except Shadow backwards, while Rouge is knocked forwards.]''
:'''Eggman''': What's going on?
:'''Bokkun''': That stranger suddenly appeared and started atacking!
:''[Once the shaking stops, Eggman looks out the window and sees their attacking adversary.]''
:'''Eggman''': Metarex! ''[The Scarship fires more weapons at the Crimson Egg. to his minions]'' Raise the shields!
:''[His minions activate a shield around the entire ship to block the Scarship's attacks. Despite it, the ship still vibrates, showing how powerful the Scarship is.]''
:'''Decoe''': It's powerful!
:'''Bocoe''': The shields won't hold for much longer!
:'''Eggman''': Go, Shadow! ''[Shadow looks at him.]'' Unless you don't want to learn about your past...
:''[Shadow turns his head towards Eggman, as a laser fired by the Scarship is seen on the left side. The Scarship's purple eyes glow as he continues to attack the Crimson Egg. Shadow appears at the top of Eggman's ship, then launches himself towards the Scarship to counterattack the Metarex's attacks.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': How dare they underestimate me. I'll show no mercy! ''[He fires more lasers, which Shadow counters with his Spin Attack. to Shadow]'' You're pretty good. ''[Shadow moves upward, then fires himself towards the Metarex while spinning, but when he makes impact, he bounces off without dealing any damage. He stops spinning when his attack doesn't work.]'' It's pointless!
:'''Shadow''': ''[unfazed]'' In that case...
:''[He spins again, this time using the Bounce Attack to attack the Scarship all over as he searches for a weak spot.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': I said it was pointless!
:''[Shadow bounces all around the Scarship, damaging him a little bit as the ship vibrates from the effects. His eyes glow as he reacts in pain from absorbing the Bounce Attack from the Ultimate Life Form. Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe observe the scene from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': Nice, Shadow!
:'''Decoe''': What's going on?
:'''Bocoe''': Beats me.
:''[Eggman places two buckets on them.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is what's going on! ''[He hammers the buckets on his two henchmen to demonstrate what Shadow is doing. They then fall down to the floor, dazed after the hammering.]'' Shadow's Bounce Attack creates reverberations inside the Hellship, destroying it from the inside.
:''[Meanwhile, Shadow continues bouncing around the Hellship as the latter yells in pain from the damage he's absorbing from the black hedgehog.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': Impossible! How does he have so much power?
:''[Shadow stops spinning, then, with a Dragon Ball type scream and over a background set of gold speed lines, he summons a great deal of power and slams into the chin of the Hellship, knocking him backwards and dealing heavy damage. He growls angrily as his eyes glimmer. Shadow, meanwhile, because he doesn't have any Limiter Rings on his wrists, has fainted from exhaustion after using so much power. Eggman and Rouge witness this from inside the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Eggman''': This is bad! He used up all his power because he doesn't have a limiter!
:'''Rouge''': ''[to Eggman]'' What are you going to do?
:'''Eggman''': ''[typing on a keypad]'' I'll retrieve him for now!
:''[A claw extends out of the Crimson Egg to recover the unconscious Shadow. In retaliation, the Hellship starts attacking the Crimson Egg with its stronger weapons.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': You fools!
:''[He fires a swarm of missiles against the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Bokkun''': The missiles are heading straight for us!
:'''Eggman''': Shoot them down!
:''[His minions fire lasers to counterattack the missiles, but they get destroyed without dealing any damage.]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[off-screen, shocked]'' They're all destroyed!
:''[The Hellship looms closer.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[exclaims]'' Target all weapons on Metarex!
:''[Both ships go all out and fire all weapons against each other, with the Crimson Egg taking more damage from the Hellship. The Crimson Egg is knocked backwards after receiving heavy damage from the Metarex. Rouge escapes the scene in her spaceship.]''
:'''Rouge''': I don't want to get involed. Bye!
:''[She flies off to safety, while Eggman and his minions are forced to make their own escape.]''
:'''Eggman''': ''[to his minions, who are typing]'' We have to retreat!
:'''Decoe''': Agreed!
:'''Bocoe''': We'll escape using the Hard Boiled Drive!
:'''Bokkun''': ''[seeing a beeping red dot on the radar]'' Torpedo closing in! Unable to evade!
:''[The torpedo missile homes in on the Crimson Egg as Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe look on in extreme terror.]''
:'''Eggman, Decoe and Bocoe''': What?
:''[KABLAM!!! The torpedo completely obliterates the Crimson Egg, presumably killing Eggman and his crew as the screen flashes white after the explosion. After the white flash fades, the Hellship plots his next move to wipe out Sonic and his Blue Typhoon crew, as well.]''
:'''Metarex Hellship/Scarship''': ''[referring to Sonic]'' The blue hedgehog is next!
:''[Eyecatch cards for both the Asteroid Type Spaceship and Metarex Hellship/Scarship are shown. We then return to the Blue Typhoon as Rouge contacts the gang about the recent attack that wiped out the Crimson Egg.]''
:'''Tails''': What? You must be kidding!
:'''Rouge''': I'm not kidding. Take a look.

===An Underground Odyssey===

===Station Break-In===

===A Metarex Melee===
:'''Super Shadow''': ''[smirks]'' I see. How we look isn't our only similarity. ''[Sonic glares at him.]'' You annoying hedgehog, give me the Chaos Emeralds!
:''[Shadow's theme starts playing.]''
:'''Super Sonic''': What are you going to do when you collect the Chaos Emeralds? ''[Shadow doesn't answer.]'' So you're just following orders again. ''[smirks]'' You're no Ultimate Life Form!
:''[Angered at that insult, Shadow attacks Sonic and the two super hedgehogs start fighting.]''

===Mission: Match-Up===
:'''Knuckles''': If I ever running into those clowns again! Huh? ''(notices the Chaotixs and screams)'' You've messed up my face! ''(lift his shovel claws)'' And now I'm gonna return the favor!

===Clash in the Cloister===

===Teasing Time===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''(to Black Narcissus)'' I don't like the way you attacked Chris and Cosmo! It's one thing to threaten them and take them prisoner, but when you actually hurt somebody, that's going too far.
:'''Decoe''': You said it, Doctor!
:'''Bocoe''': Even we have some principles.

===A Revolutionary Tale===

===The Planet of Misfortune===
:'''Tails''': What's wrong, Cosmo? Why are you here by yourself?
:'''Cosmo''': Hi, Tails. The Marmolims are really happy their planet is saved. You must be happy too.
:'''Tails''': I feel lucky to be working in such terrific teammates, especially with you.
:'''Cosmo''': ''(Blushes)'' I didn't do anything.
:'''Tails''': You're wrong, Cosmo.
:'''Cosmo''': Huh?
:'''Tails''': You found us to help stop the Metarex. Don't you ever forget that. You're not sorry you found us, are ya?
:'''Cosmo''': Of course I'm sorry. Why would you think that? Oh! That came out wrong, I mean, I'm not sorry I met you.
:'''Tails''': ''[laughing]'' Don't worry, I know what you meant. I'll see you later!
:'''Cosmo''': Oh, hold on, Tails! ''(She trips over the rope)'' Whoa!
:''[Tails catches Cosmo and they both bounced up and into the water.]''
:'''Tails''': Are you OK?
:'''Cosmo''': I'm fine. I wonder what that was?

===Terror on the Typhoon===

===Hedgehog Hunt===

===Zelkova Strikes Back===
:'''Yellow Zelkova''': Prepare to meet your doom! Prepare to perish! Prepare to succumb to the evil that is Yellow Zelkova! Prepare to... Prepare to...
:'''Amy''': Prepare to battle?
:'''Tails''': I don't know. &quot;Battle&quot; seems kind of weak, doesn't it?

===The Cosmo Conspiracy===
:'''Tails''': ''[hearing the buzzer go off and talking over the intercom]'' Red alert! Red alert! We have an intruder on board the ship!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': ''[looming over Cosmo]'' You traitor!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rouge''': ''(To Knuckles)'' Are all red-heads as temperamental as you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shadow''': Hand that girl over now. I don't want to fight you Tails, but I will if I have to.
:'''Tails''': Cosmo never did anything to harm you! Why are you after her anyway?!
:'''Shadow''': I'm not going to tell you. Now, move aside, or you'll be sorry.
:'''Tails''': Forget it, Shadow! I won't let you hurt Cosmo!
:'''Shadow''': I'm warning you. This is your last chance, Tails. Give up now, or face the consequences.

===Eye Spy===
:'''Knuckles''': ''[about the device that the Metarex planted inside Cosmo's head]'' Can we stop it?
:'''Chris''': I'm not sure. If we do she won't be the same. The signal is controlling her sight and hearing. If we remove it she may not be able to hear or see again.
:'''Knuckles''': ''[Growls]'' Then that's a chance we have to take.
:'''Tails''': How can you say that?! I'm not letting anyone hurt Cosmo!
:'''Knuckles''': We don't want to hurt her. We just want to set her free, and if she has to lose her eyes and ears, then so be it!
:'''Tails''': There has to be another way!

===Agent of Mischief===
:'''Cosmo''': ''[To Bokkun]'' I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are those numbers on your TV counting down?
:'''Bokkun''': Hmm... I forgot these messages self-destruct at the end. Cover your ears! It's going to be a big bang!
:''[cue explosion]''
:'''Bokkun''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Betcha didn't know watching TV could be so exciting.
:'''Cream''': That was not fun.

===The Light in the Darkness===

===A Fearless Friend===

===So Long Sonic===
:'''Dr. Eggman''': ''[laughing]'' Now that Sonic's team is down by one little annoying pipsqueak, I can get back to building the Eggman Empire!
:'''Bokkun, Decoe, and Bocoe''': Alright!
:'''Knuckles''': Eggman better not touch the Master Emerald!
:'''Amy''': I have to come warn Sonic.
:'''Cream''': Come on Cheese. Our friends need our help!
:'''Cheese''': Chao!
:'''Rouge''': I guess I'll join in, too. This team could use a little glamour.
:'''Tails''': Time to rev up the X-Tornado, you guys!
:'''Sonic''': Life never stays slow around here for long! Thanks goodness. Watch out, Eggman! I'm comin' at ya full speed!

==Cast==
* [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]] - [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Shadow the Hedgehog]]
* Suzanne Goldish
* [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]] - [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]]
* [[w:Mike Pollock (voice actor)|Mike Pollock]] - [[w:Dr. Eggman|Dr. Eggman]]
* [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] - [[w:Amy Rose|Amy Rose]]
* Rebecca Honig
* Amy Palant
* T.R. Shields
* Frank Frankson
* [[Eric Stuart]]
* Megan Hollingshead
* Darren Dunstan
* Tara Jayne
* Kerry Williams
* Karen Neill
* Jerry Lobozzo
* Ed Paul
* Andrew Rannells
* Kayzie Rogers
* Jimmy Zoppi
* [[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]]
* [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:CW shows]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about hedgehogs]]
[[Category:Animated series based on Sonic the Hedgehog]]</text>
      <sha1>m451x961yxrk1q7681460qiw0jlgsla</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Simpsons/Season 20</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>96474</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607232</id>
      <parentid>3605420</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:15:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>148.252.144.80</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Treehouse of Horror XIX */</comment>
      <origin>3607232</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="25113" sha1="njuc0lqvbuswijyjahs61uh0iwi3j94" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Simpsons''/Season 20}}
{{The Simpsons header}}
'''''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''''' (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by [[Matt Groening]]. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

===''[[w:Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes|Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes]]''===
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': ''[watching the St. Patrick's Day celebrations]'' Urgh, where's the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]] when you need them?
:'''Ex-IRA Member''': We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb. ''[A double decker bus bearing a Union Jack drives past]'' Oh, in the old days, we'd have been all over that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Bail is set at $25,000.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''[scoffs]'' I make that in a year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': So how about a little stakeout music.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Well I like :'''[[w:AC/DC|AC/DC]]'''.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': I like their Christian cover band :'''[[w:Jesus Christ|AD/BC]]''. ''(Starts Singing)'':'''[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap|Kindly deeds done for free]]'''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': And you have to promise me no &quot;diddlies&quot; or &quot;doodlies.&quot;
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': D'oh!

===''[[w:Lost Verizon|Lost Verizon]]''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[seeing what her parents are up to]'' Tracking software? ''[gasps]'' You're spying on Bart!
:'''Marge''': Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
:'''Moe''': ''[Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement]'' That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. ''[Laughs]'' Soon, you'll be mine.
:'''FBI Agent #1''': ''[observing Moe via spy camera]'' Keep talking, creepo.
:'''FBI Agent #2''': Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Bart, how did you get a cellphone?
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': The same way you got me, [[w:I Married Marge|by accident on a golf course.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Constipated Gorilla''/''[[Denis Leary]]'': &quot;No longer must we live in shame, let the decree go forth, EVERYBODY POOPS!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bart prank calls a Hawaiian bar]''
:'''Hawaiian Bartender''': Aloha.
:'''Bart''': Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
:'''Hawaiian Bartender''': Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
:''[Bar patrons laugh, while the bartender glares at the phone in rage.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene switches from Hawaii to Australia as Bart calls Crocodile Drunkee's.]''
:'''Australian Bartender''': I've got a Drew P. Wiener(droopy wiener) here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener.
:'''Australian Patron''': Better put it down then mate.
:''[He and the other patrons laugh, as the bartender is enraged.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scene switches from Australia to Sweden. The bar's name is Inga Bar Beermans.]''
:'''Swedish Bartender''': Ja! I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olaf. Attention everyone, all of my friends are gay.
:''[Bar patrons laugh, slowly]''
:'''Swedish Bartender''': Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I shall thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavors.

===''[[w:Double, Double, Boy in Trouble|Double, Double, Boy in Trouble]]''===
:''(Bart is at a low end of a see-saw while Mr Burns is at the high end and won't fall)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Why won't you come down?
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(while falling)'' Aw, come on gravity...You used to be cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': You just cost me $200,000!
:'''Bart''': I thought it was 50.
:'''Homer''': I was gonna bet it on the dogs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[holding toy newspaper]'' For your information, The Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bart marvels at the things in Simon's bedroom]''
:'''Bart''': Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.
:'''Joe Montana''': ''[steps out of the wall]'' It's not a poster.
:''[Bart screams]''
:'''Joe Montana''': I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words &quot;Notre Dame&quot; are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
:'''Bart''': Back in the poster, gabby.
:'''Joe Montana''': Yes, sir.

===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror XIX|Treehouse of Horror XIX]]''===
:''[The kitchen is filled with appliances transforming]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hey, is there something different about the kitchen?
:'''Transformers''': No, no, no. ''[Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word &quot;No&quot;]''
:'''Homer''': Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Destructicus''': That does not compute.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': ''(sternly)'' Really?
:'''Destructicus''': Well, it computes a little.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krusty''': ''[on phone]'' Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?
:'''Homer''': Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
:'''Krusty''': Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed. Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you?
''[Homer pushes Krusty into a swing, into a merry-go-round that spins him onto a pony, then a trampoline, then into a wood chipper, Krusty screams as he shredded]''
:'''Homer''': One, two, three. One, two, three. It's no use. ''[closes Krusty's eyes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer is being sucked into the possessed voting machine during the opener]''
:'''Marge''': This doesn't happen in America! Maybe in Ohio--but not America!

===''[[w:Dangerous Curves (The Simpsons)|Dangerous Curves]]''===
:''(When a hitchhiker couple make out in the back of his car)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!
:'''Bart''': Yes, sir. ''(Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots)'' I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
:'''Homer''': Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

===''[[w:Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words|Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words]]''===
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Superintendant Chalmers|Chalmers]]''': ''SIMPSON,'' what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''(a bit worried)'' I made them into a crossword.
:'''Chalmers''': Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with ''SKINNER!!''
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Skinner]]''': ''(Appears in the school window.)'' You called?
:'''Chalmers''': Made a reference.
:'''Skinner''': My mistake. ''(Disappears back in the window.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chalmers''': You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his ''SKIMMER!!''
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Skinner]]''': ''(Appears in the school window.)'' You called?
:'''Chalmers''': You misheard.
:'''Skinner''': My mistake. ''(Disappears back in the window.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.
:''(Everyone in the bar turns and gasps.)''
:'''Bookie''': I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.
:'''Homer''': Fine! I won't look you in the eye!
:''(Short period of them poking each other with the money and a bag for taking the money.)''
:'''Homer''': Got it?
:'''Bookie''': ''(muffled with money in his mouth)'' I got it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bookie''': Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
:'''Homer''': Y'know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Mr. S. Lisa B.

===''[[w:Mypods and Boomsticks|Mypods and Boomsticks]]''===
:'''Steve Mobbs''': Greetings! It is I, your insanely great leader Steve Mobbs. I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep beneath the sea with an announcement that will change the way you look at everything. And that announcement is...
:'''Bart''': ''[speaking through a microphone over Mobbs' visual]''...you're all losers!
:''(the crowd moans in disappointment)''
:'''Bart''': You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it. Well guess what, they cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!
:''(the crowd gasps in horror)''
:'''Bart''': I have made a fortune off you chumps. And I've invested it all in Microsoft. Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Praise to Oliver!
:'''Mina''': That's Allah.
:'''Homer''': We'll look it up in the Corona.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bashir''': ''[holding up Bart's sling shot]'' Bart forgot this, sir.
:'''Homer''': &quot;Sir?&quot; That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': 1200 Dollars?! But I only downloaded... 1212 songs.

===''[[w:The Burns and the Bees|The Burns and the Bees]]''===
:'''Seymour Skinner''': Hmmm, Men, the room for me.
:'''Jimbo''': Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.
:'''Bart''': Why would I want to?
:'''Jimbo''': Because I said &quot;I dare you.&quot; Kearney, can you read it back?
:'''Kearney''': (Reading) &quot;Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
:'''Bart''': Why would I want to?
:'''Jimbo''': Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?
:'''Kearney''': (Reading) Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--&quot;
:'''Jimbo''': The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.
:'''Bart''': My nards accept.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
:'''[[w:Mark Cuban|Mark Cuban]]''': ''(Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker.)'' ''(enthusiastically)'' I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Dad, all the bees are dying.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?
:'''Lisa''': But without bees there would be no flowers.
:'''Homer''': ''(scoffs)'' Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr Burns''': (Walks into a tree, and falls over. He then points at the tree.) Kill his acorns and make him watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:List of media personalities in The Simpsons#Bumblebee Man|Bumblebee Man]]''': Stop, I'm one of you!
:'''Bee''': ''(buzzing)'' We hate you the most, uncle Tom!

===''[[w:Lisa the Drama Queen|Lisa the Drama Queen]]''===
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': We could be murderers.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?
:'''Homer''': Hey, that was... ''[hits Bart]''
:'''Bart''': Ow!
:'''Marge''': Homer!
:'''Homer''': Well, we... I... You come up with an excuse! ''[hits Bart again]''
:'''Bart''': Ow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
:'''Marge''': I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ''(Leaves the room.)''
:''(Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge.)''
:'''Marge''': Bart Simpson: Age 3. ''(Both go back inside.)''
:'''Homer''': ''(Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.)'' Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Are you saying Lisa is not at the Model U.N.?
:'''[[w:Martin Prince|Martin]]''': ''(Dressed as a Belgian delegate.)'' To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian...yes!

===''[[w:Take My Life, Please|Take My Life, Please]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'm going to find Dondelinger and tell him [[w:I Know What You Did Last Summer|I know what he did last summer]]...22 years ago...in the winter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Sector 7G? No, let the Lennys and Carls of this world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dondelinger|Dondelinger]]''': The brown-haired girl gave me a look, The redhead in the park was reading a book, The girl at the airport upgraded my car, Tonight I wonder, just where you are...

===''[[w:How the Test Was Won|How the Test Was Won]]''===
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': He stinks!
:'''Principal Skinner''': We're assessing ''you'', not him.
:'''Nelson''': Withdrawn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Superintendent Chalmers|Chalmers]]''': Lisa, like [[w:Captain Kirk|Captain Kirk]] I'm not supposed to interfere but like [[w:T.J. Hooker|T.J. Hooker]] I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': This test penalizes guessing.
:'''Chalmers''': It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': ''[after the women in book club are dying]'' Oh my God, Oh my God, we're totally liable! ''[notices the only woman you have left and began canoodling and making out]''
:'''Homer''': Ohhhhh…yes. ''[but realizes the dream was so gross and unreliable]'' I mean… '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!''' ''[camera zooms back out to see if Marge and the women in book club are safe]''

===''[[w:No Loan Again, Naturally|No Loan Again, Naturally]]''===
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': She ''is''. Look.
:''(Homer is crying as he is about to hang himself on a tree.)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Goodbye.
:''(He hangs himself, only for the tree to crash on his car.)''
:'''Homer''': ''(getting up)'' D'oh!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': How about the family outing?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Hooray for stupid flanders!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bart''': What the!
:'''Marge''': Maybe it's theses.
:'''Homer''': Yes.

===''[[w:Gone Maggie Gone|Gone Maggie Gone]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.
:'''Mother Superior''': ''(indignantly)'' I'm married to [[W:Jesus|Jesus]]!
:'''Homer''': Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to [[w:Marge Simpson|Wonder Woman]]!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Don't eat so fast! (talking to his hand that's pretending to be Maggie)
:'''Homer's Hand''': No! Me so hungry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mother Superior''': ''(to Lisa)'' You must wear your gown with modesty, not like Sister Marilyn.
:'''Sister Marilyn''': ''(In a nun's gown, standing over a wind thing, mimicking the famous photograph.)'' Oooh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mother Superior''': Are you a bit of a [[w:Doubting Thomas|Doubting Thomas]]?
:'''Lisa''': More of a [[w:Curious George|Curious George]].
:'''Mother Superior''': Well, little monkey, you should spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.
:''(Cut to Lisa in front of a picture of Jesus with a halo that looks like a hat.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Step a side [[W:Nuns|ladies]], I'm bringing the [[hell|peace]].

===''[[w:In the Name of the Grandfather|In the Name of the Grandfather]]''===
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 1''': So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?
:''(Homer and Grampa try to run)''
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 2''': So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 1''': So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?

===''[[w:Wedding for Disaster|Wedding for Disaster]]''===
:'''[[w:Reverend Timothy Lovejoy|Reverend Lovejoy]]''': So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Trying on a tuxedo.)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': This one's a little gay, isn't it?
:'''Store Worker''': Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Ew. How'd you check?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bart''': So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.
:'''Lisa''': ''[to Homer and Marge]'' I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!
:'''Bart''': Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!
:'''Homer''': Why you little bastard! ''[Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]''
:'''Lisa''': That's the angry one!
:'''Bart''': ''[chokingly]'' Uh-huh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]
:'''Channel 6 newsman''': Let's take a look.
:'''Moe''': [reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold. Except for this one. [holds up button that reads &quot;Welcome Parson&quot;]

===''[[w:Eeny Teeny Maya Moe|Eeny Teeny Maya Moe]]''===
:''[At Moe's.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(to Maggie)'' Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carl Carlson|Carl]]''': How did your date go, Moe?
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': You gotta make me shorter doc.
:'''[[w:Julius Hibbert|Dr. Hibbert]]''': ''(laughs)'' What do you mean?
:'''Moe''':I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.
:''[Cuts to Dr. Nick.]''
:'''[[w:Nick Riviera|Dr. Nick]]''': Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
:'''Moe''': No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
:'''Dr. Nick''': Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
:''[Pans to Largo.]''
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Dewey Largo|Largo]]''': ''(screams)'' I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

===''[[w:The Good, the Sad and the Drugly|The Good, the Sad and the Drugly]]''===
:'''[[w:Principal Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': [to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.
:'''[[w:Groundskeeper Willie|Willie]]''': [with letter &quot;Y&quot; in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of--A girl!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!
:''[Maggie holds up a fan, which Lisa tries to kiss. Marge comes into the room and gasps loudly, and unplugs the fan]''

===''[[w:Father Knows Worst|Father Knows Worst]]''===
:''[Throwing an old water heater onto a pile of water heaters in the attic.]''
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!
:''[Camera pans down showing the floor sagging over Maggie's crib due to the weight of five old water heaters.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': I've never been called &quot;fierce&quot; before. &quot;Strident.&quot; &quot;Hectoring&quot; has been tossed around.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean ''everybody'' everybody, hope you don't mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[In a dream, Homer meets the ghost of [[Oscar Wilde]]]''
:'''Oscar Wilde''': Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
:'''Marge''': But that makes no sense.
:'''Oscar Wilde''': Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
:'''Homer''': Shut up!
:'''Oscar Wilde''': These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
:'''Homer''': Whatever happened to &quot;Boo&quot;?

===''[[w:Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh|Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh]]''===
:'''Alaska Nebraska''': I am so sick of fans in my food.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Get a room!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Come on boy, be cool.
:'''Bart''': But-
:'''Homer''': Be cool or you're grounded!

===''[[w:Four Great Women and a Manicure|Four Great Women and a Manicure]]''===
:'''King Julio''': ''(about Lenny)'' Guards take him away and put things inside of him!
:'''Guard''': Nice things?
:'''Julio''': No, not nice things!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': ''[upon seeing Selma naked]'' Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Patty and Selma Bouvier|Selma]]''': I don't need a man, for I have England!
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Reverend Lovejoy''': Lord Jesus, although [[w:English Reformation|our country turned Protestant]] for the sole reason that [[w:Henry VIII|our fat, mean king]] could dump his [[w:Catherine of Aragon|faithful wife]], we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe [[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|your mother]] should be revered.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Julio''': Normally I love to see flaming dream boats heading my way but not like this baby!! Not like this!!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': (After a dying Sideshow Mel praises William Shakespeare.) Well, if you see him in Heaven...tell him he sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The spirit of Marge is impressed that he gave out a terrific performance and implores him to audition for more Shakespearean plays by tossing script in front of him. Horrified, Homer chooses the easy way out and commits [[w:suicide|suicide by shooting himself]].]''
:'''Homer''': [Joins Marge as a ghost] Me reading all those plays would be the real tragedy.
:''[Homer is content with being lazy while Marge is frustrated and learns her lesson the hard way.]''

===''[[w:Coming to Homerica|Coming to Homerica]]''===
:''[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? ''(his stomach continues rumbling)'' Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? ''(his stomach continues rumbling)'' Uh-oh. ''(gets up and runs off)'' Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! ''(runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)''
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Taken!
:''[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Occupied!
:''[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]''
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Hurling!
:''[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]''
:'''Homer''': Uh-oh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Milhouse Van Houten|Milhouse]]''': [[w:Minnesota Vikings|Minnesota Vikings]] apparel? This is [[w:Tennessee Titans|Tennessee Titans]] country!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?
:'''Lisa''': Yes!
:'''Bart''': Yeah!
:'''[[w: Maggie Simpson|Maggie]]''': Ja! [Marge gasps.]
:'''Maggie''': Ja! Ja!
:'''Homer''': [in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?
:'''Marge''': BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!
:'''Maggie''': Ja! Ja!

&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, Season 20}}
[[Category:The Simpsons seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607233</id>
      <parentid>3607232</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:15:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Treehouse of Horror XIX */</comment>
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      <text bytes="25114" sha1="m45m6bw1o23f7dfpo2gerz6xlxm4198" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Simpsons''/Season 20}}
{{The Simpsons header}}
'''''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons]]''''' (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by [[Matt Groening]]. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

===''[[w:Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes|Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes]]''===
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': ''[watching the St. Patrick's Day celebrations]'' Urgh, where's the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]] when you need them?
:'''Ex-IRA Member''': We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb. ''[A double decker bus bearing a Union Jack drives past]'' Oh, in the old days, we'd have been all over that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Bail is set at $25,000.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''[scoffs]'' I make that in a year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': So how about a little stakeout music.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Well I like :'''[[w:AC/DC|AC/DC]]'''.
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': I like their Christian cover band :'''[[w:Jesus Christ|AD/BC]]''. ''(Starts Singing)'':'''[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap|Kindly deeds done for free]]'''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': And you have to promise me no &quot;diddlies&quot; or &quot;doodlies.&quot;
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': D'oh!

===''[[w:Lost Verizon|Lost Verizon]]''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[seeing what her parents are up to]'' Tracking software? ''[gasps]'' You're spying on Bart!
:'''Marge''': Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
:'''Moe''': ''[Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement]'' That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. ''[Laughs]'' Soon, you'll be mine.
:'''FBI Agent #1''': ''[observing Moe via spy camera]'' Keep talking, creepo.
:'''FBI Agent #2''': Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Bart, how did you get a cellphone?
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': The same way you got me, [[w:I Married Marge|by accident on a golf course.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Constipated Gorilla''/''[[Denis Leary]]'': &quot;No longer must we live in shame, let the decree go forth, EVERYBODY POOPS!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bart prank calls a Hawaiian bar]''
:'''Hawaiian Bartender''': Aloha.
:'''Bart''': Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
:'''Hawaiian Bartender''': Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
:''[Bar patrons laugh, while the bartender glares at the phone in rage.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The scene switches from Hawaii to Australia as Bart calls Crocodile Drunkee's.]''
:'''Australian Bartender''': I've got a Drew P. Wiener(droopy wiener) here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener.
:'''Australian Patron''': Better put it down then mate.
:''[He and the other patrons laugh, as the bartender is enraged.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scene switches from Australia to Sweden. The bar's name is Inga Bar Beermans.]''
:'''Swedish Bartender''': Ja! I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olaf. Attention everyone, all of my friends are gay.
:''[Bar patrons laugh, slowly]''
:'''Swedish Bartender''': Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I shall thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavors.

===''[[w:Double, Double, Boy in Trouble|Double, Double, Boy in Trouble]]''===
:''(Bart is at a low end of a see-saw while Mr Burns is at the high end and won't fall)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Why won't you come down?
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(while falling)'' Aw, come on gravity...You used to be cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': You just cost me $200,000!
:'''Bart''': I thought it was 50.
:'''Homer''': I was gonna bet it on the dogs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Homer''': ''[holding toy newspaper]'' For your information, The Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bart marvels at the things in Simon's bedroom]''
:'''Bart''': Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.
:'''Joe Montana''': ''[steps out of the wall]'' It's not a poster.
:''[Bart screams]''
:'''Joe Montana''': I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words &quot;Notre Dame&quot; are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
:'''Bart''': Back in the poster, gabby.
:'''Joe Montana''': Yes, sir.

===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror XIX|Treehouse of Horror XIX]]''===
:''[The kitchen is filled with appliances transforming]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Hey, is there something different about the kitchen?
:'''Transformers''': No, no, no. ''[Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word &quot;No&quot;]''
:'''Homer''': Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Destructicus''': That does not compute.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': ''(sternly)'' Really?
:'''Destructicus''': Well, it computes a little.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Krusty''': ''[on phone]'' Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?
:'''Homer''': Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
:'''Krusty''': Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed. Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you?
:''[Homer pushes Krusty into a swing, into a merry-go-round that spins him onto a pony, then a trampoline, then into a wood chipper, Krusty screams as he shredded]''
:'''Homer''': One, two, three. One, two, three. It's no use. ''[closes Krusty's eyes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Homer is being sucked into the possessed voting machine during the opener]''
:'''Marge''': This doesn't happen in America! Maybe in Ohio--but not America!

===''[[w:Dangerous Curves (The Simpsons)|Dangerous Curves]]''===
:''(When a hitchhiker couple make out in the back of his car)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!
:'''Bart''': Yes, sir. ''(Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots)'' I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
:'''Homer''': Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

===''[[w:Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words|Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words]]''===
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Superintendant Chalmers|Chalmers]]''': ''SIMPSON,'' what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': ''(a bit worried)'' I made them into a crossword.
:'''Chalmers''': Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with ''SKINNER!!''
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Skinner]]''': ''(Appears in the school window.)'' You called?
:'''Chalmers''': Made a reference.
:'''Skinner''': My mistake. ''(Disappears back in the window.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chalmers''': You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his ''SKIMMER!!''
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Skinner]]''': ''(Appears in the school window.)'' You called?
:'''Chalmers''': You misheard.
:'''Skinner''': My mistake. ''(Disappears back in the window.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.
:''(Everyone in the bar turns and gasps.)''
:'''Bookie''': I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.
:'''Homer''': Fine! I won't look you in the eye!
:''(Short period of them poking each other with the money and a bag for taking the money.)''
:'''Homer''': Got it?
:'''Bookie''': ''(muffled with money in his mouth)'' I got it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bookie''': Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
:'''Homer''': Y'know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Mr. S. Lisa B.

===''[[w:Mypods and Boomsticks|Mypods and Boomsticks]]''===
:'''Steve Mobbs''': Greetings! It is I, your insanely great leader Steve Mobbs. I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep beneath the sea with an announcement that will change the way you look at everything. And that announcement is...
:'''Bart''': ''[speaking through a microphone over Mobbs' visual]''...you're all losers!
:''(the crowd moans in disappointment)''
:'''Bart''': You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it. Well guess what, they cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!
:''(the crowd gasps in horror)''
:'''Bart''': I have made a fortune off you chumps. And I've invested it all in Microsoft. Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Praise to Oliver!
:'''Mina''': That's Allah.
:'''Homer''': We'll look it up in the Corona.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bashir''': ''[holding up Bart's sling shot]'' Bart forgot this, sir.
:'''Homer''': &quot;Sir?&quot; That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': 1200 Dollars?! But I only downloaded... 1212 songs.

===''[[w:The Burns and the Bees|The Burns and the Bees]]''===
:'''Seymour Skinner''': Hmmm, Men, the room for me.
:'''Jimbo''': Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.
:'''Bart''': Why would I want to?
:'''Jimbo''': Because I said &quot;I dare you.&quot; Kearney, can you read it back?
:'''Kearney''': (Reading) &quot;Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
:'''Bart''': Why would I want to?
:'''Jimbo''': Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?
:'''Kearney''': (Reading) Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--&quot;
:'''Jimbo''': The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.
:'''Bart''': My nards accept.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?
:'''[[w:Waylon Smithers|Smithers]]''': That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
:'''[[w:Mark Cuban|Mark Cuban]]''': ''(Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker.)'' ''(enthusiastically)'' I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Dad, all the bees are dying.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?
:'''Lisa''': But without bees there would be no flowers.
:'''Homer''': ''(scoffs)'' Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr Burns''': (Walks into a tree, and falls over. He then points at the tree.) Kill his acorns and make him watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:List of media personalities in The Simpsons#Bumblebee Man|Bumblebee Man]]''': Stop, I'm one of you!
:'''Bee''': ''(buzzing)'' We hate you the most, uncle Tom!

===''[[w:Lisa the Drama Queen|Lisa the Drama Queen]]''===
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': We could be murderers.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?
:'''Homer''': Hey, that was... ''[hits Bart]''
:'''Bart''': Ow!
:'''Marge''': Homer!
:'''Homer''': Well, we... I... You come up with an excuse! ''[hits Bart again]''
:'''Bart''': Ow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
:'''Marge''': I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ''(Leaves the room.)''
:''(Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge.)''
:'''Marge''': Bart Simpson: Age 3. ''(Both go back inside.)''
:'''Homer''': ''(Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.)'' Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Are you saying Lisa is not at the Model U.N.?
:'''[[w:Martin Prince|Martin]]''': ''(Dressed as a Belgian delegate.)'' To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian...yes!

===''[[w:Take My Life, Please|Take My Life, Please]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'm going to find Dondelinger and tell him [[w:I Know What You Did Last Summer|I know what he did last summer]]...22 years ago...in the winter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Montgomery Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Sector 7G? No, let the Lennys and Carls of this world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dondelinger|Dondelinger]]''': The brown-haired girl gave me a look, The redhead in the park was reading a book, The girl at the airport upgraded my car, Tonight I wonder, just where you are...

===''[[w:How the Test Was Won|How the Test Was Won]]''===
:'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
:'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': He stinks!
:'''Principal Skinner''': We're assessing ''you'', not him.
:'''Nelson''': Withdrawn.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Superintendent Chalmers|Chalmers]]''': Lisa, like [[w:Captain Kirk|Captain Kirk]] I'm not supposed to interfere but like [[w:T.J. Hooker|T.J. Hooker]] I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': This test penalizes guessing.
:'''Chalmers''': It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bart''': ''[after the women in book club are dying]'' Oh my God, Oh my God, we're totally liable! ''[notices the only woman you have left and began canoodling and making out]''
:'''Homer''': Ohhhhh…yes. ''[but realizes the dream was so gross and unreliable]'' I mean… '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!''' ''[camera zooms back out to see if Marge and the women in book club are safe]''

===''[[w:No Loan Again, Naturally|No Loan Again, Naturally]]''===
:'''[[w:Ned Flanders|Ned]]''': This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': She ''is''. Look.
:''(Homer is crying as he is about to hang himself on a tree.)''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Goodbye.
:''(He hangs himself, only for the tree to crash on his car.)''
:'''Homer''': ''(getting up)'' D'oh!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': How about the family outing?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Hooray for stupid flanders!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bart''': What the!
:'''Marge''': Maybe it's theses.
:'''Homer''': Yes.

===''[[w:Gone Maggie Gone|Gone Maggie Gone]]''===
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.
:'''Mother Superior''': ''(indignantly)'' I'm married to [[W:Jesus|Jesus]]!
:'''Homer''': Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to [[w:Marge Simpson|Wonder Woman]]!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': Don't eat so fast! (talking to his hand that's pretending to be Maggie)
:'''Homer's Hand''': No! Me so hungry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mother Superior''': ''(to Lisa)'' You must wear your gown with modesty, not like Sister Marilyn.
:'''Sister Marilyn''': ''(In a nun's gown, standing over a wind thing, mimicking the famous photograph.)'' Oooh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mother Superior''': Are you a bit of a [[w:Doubting Thomas|Doubting Thomas]]?
:'''Lisa''': More of a [[w:Curious George|Curious George]].
:'''Mother Superior''': Well, little monkey, you should spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.
:''(Cut to Lisa in front of a picture of Jesus with a halo that looks like a hat.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Step a side [[W:Nuns|ladies]], I'm bringing the [[hell|peace]].

===''[[w:In the Name of the Grandfather|In the Name of the Grandfather]]''===
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 1''': So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?
:''(Homer and Grampa try to run)''
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 2''': So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
:'''Garda (Irish Cop) 1''': So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?

===''[[w:Wedding for Disaster|Wedding for Disaster]]''===
:'''[[w:Reverend Timothy Lovejoy|Reverend Lovejoy]]''': So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Trying on a tuxedo.)''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': This one's a little gay, isn't it?
:'''Store Worker''': Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Ew. How'd you check?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bart''': So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.
:'''Lisa''': ''[to Homer and Marge]'' I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!
:'''Bart''': Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!
:'''Homer''': Why you little bastard! ''[Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]''
:'''Lisa''': That's the angry one!
:'''Bart''': ''[chokingly]'' Uh-huh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]
:'''Channel 6 newsman''': Let's take a look.
:'''Moe''': [reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold. Except for this one. [holds up button that reads &quot;Welcome Parson&quot;]

===''[[w:Eeny Teeny Maya Moe|Eeny Teeny Maya Moe]]''===
:''[At Moe's.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''(to Maggie)'' Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Carl Carlson|Carl]]''': How did your date go, Moe?
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': You gotta make me shorter doc.
:'''[[w:Julius Hibbert|Dr. Hibbert]]''': ''(laughs)'' What do you mean?
:'''Moe''':I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.
:''[Cuts to Dr. Nick.]''
:'''[[w:Nick Riviera|Dr. Nick]]''': Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
:'''Moe''': No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
:'''Dr. Nick''': Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
:''[Pans to Largo.]''
:'''[[w:Springfield Elementary School#Dewey Largo|Largo]]''': ''(screams)'' I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

===''[[w:The Good, the Sad and the Drugly|The Good, the Sad and the Drugly]]''===
:'''[[w:Principal Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': [to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.
:'''[[w:Groundskeeper Willie|Willie]]''': [with letter &quot;Y&quot; in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of--A girl!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!
:''[Maggie holds up a fan, which Lisa tries to kiss. Marge comes into the room and gasps loudly, and unplugs the fan]''

===''[[w:Father Knows Worst|Father Knows Worst]]''===
:''[Throwing an old water heater onto a pile of water heaters in the attic.]''
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!
:''[Camera pans down showing the floor sagging over Maggie's crib due to the weight of five old water heaters.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': I've never been called &quot;fierce&quot; before. &quot;Strident.&quot; &quot;Hectoring&quot; has been tossed around.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean ''everybody'' everybody, hope you don't mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[In a dream, Homer meets the ghost of [[Oscar Wilde]]]''
:'''Oscar Wilde''': Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
:'''Marge''': But that makes no sense.
:'''Oscar Wilde''': Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
:'''Homer''': Shut up!
:'''Oscar Wilde''': These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
:'''Homer''': Whatever happened to &quot;Boo&quot;?

===''[[w:Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh|Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh]]''===
:'''Alaska Nebraska''': I am so sick of fans in my food.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Get a room!
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Come on boy, be cool.
:'''Bart''': But-
:'''Homer''': Be cool or you're grounded!

===''[[w:Four Great Women and a Manicure|Four Great Women and a Manicure]]''===
:'''King Julio''': ''(about Lenny)'' Guards take him away and put things inside of him!
:'''Guard''': Nice things?
:'''Julio''': No, not nice things!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Moe''': ''[upon seeing Selma naked]'' Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Patty and Selma Bouvier|Selma]]''': I don't need a man, for I have England!
:'''[[w:Moe Szyslak|Moe]]''': Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Reverend Lovejoy''': Lord Jesus, although [[w:English Reformation|our country turned Protestant]] for the sole reason that [[w:Henry VIII|our fat, mean king]] could dump his [[w:Catherine of Aragon|faithful wife]], we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe [[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|your mother]] should be revered.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''King Julio''': Normally I love to see flaming dream boats heading my way but not like this baby!! Not like this!!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Homer''': (After a dying Sideshow Mel praises William Shakespeare.) Well, if you see him in Heaven...tell him he sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The spirit of Marge is impressed that he gave out a terrific performance and implores him to audition for more Shakespearean plays by tossing script in front of him. Horrified, Homer chooses the easy way out and commits [[w:suicide|suicide by shooting himself]].]''
:'''Homer''': [Joins Marge as a ghost] Me reading all those plays would be the real tragedy.
:''[Homer is content with being lazy while Marge is frustrated and learns her lesson the hard way.]''

===''[[w:Coming to Homerica|Coming to Homerica]]''===
:''[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling.]''
:'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? ''(his stomach continues rumbling)'' Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? ''(his stomach continues rumbling)'' Uh-oh. ''(gets up and runs off)'' Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! ''(runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)''
:'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Taken!
:''[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]''
:'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Occupied!
:''[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]''
:'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Hurling!
:''[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]''
:'''Homer''': Uh-oh!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Milhouse Van Houten|Milhouse]]''': [[w:Minnesota Vikings|Minnesota Vikings]] apparel? This is [[w:Tennessee Titans|Tennessee Titans]] country!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marge''': Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?
:'''Lisa''': Yes!
:'''Bart''': Yeah!
:'''[[w: Maggie Simpson|Maggie]]''': Ja! [Marge gasps.]
:'''Maggie''': Ja! Ja!
:'''Homer''': [in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?
:'''Marge''': BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!
:'''Maggie''': Ja! Ja!

&lt;noinclude&gt;
{{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, Season 20}}
[[Category:The Simpsons seasons]]
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Alice in Wonderland (1951 film)</title>
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[[File:Aliceinwonderland-logo.svg|thumb|Alice in Wonderland logo card]]
[[File:Alice in wonderland 1951.jpg|thumb|Alice]]
'''''[[w:Alice in Wonderland (1951 film)|Alice in Wonderland]]''''' is a [[w:1951 in film|1951]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]]-[[w:adventure film|adventure film]] produced by [[Walt Disney]]. It is about a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit into a world that is illogical and absurd, but later wishes to go home.

:''Directed by [[w:Clyde Geronimi|Clyde Geronimi]] and [[w:Wilfred Jackson|Wilfred Jackson]]. Written by Milt Banta, Del Connell, William Cottrell, [[w:Joe Grant|Joe Grant]], [[w:Winston Hibler|Winston Hibler]], [[w:Dick Huemer|Dick Huemer]], [[w:Dick Kelsey|Dick Kelsey]], Tom Oreb, [[w:Bill Peet|Bill Peet]], Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, [[w:Ted Sears|Ted Sears]], and John Walbridge. Based on [[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]] and [[Through the Looking-Glass]] by [[Lewis Carroll]].''
&lt;center&gt;''' A world of wonders in One Great Picture'''&lt;/center&gt;

==Alice==
* ''[while crawling through the rabbit hole]'' After all, we've haven't been invited, and curiousity often leads to trouble! ''[As Alice finishes her sentence, she falls down the hole]'' 
* ''[while magically floating down the rabbit hole]'' Well! After this, I shall think nothing of falling down stairs.
* Oh, yes. I was sitting on the riverbank with uh... with... You-Know-Who.
* It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.
* ''[to the pink flamingo mallet]'' Do you want us ''both'' to lose our heads?!

==Dialogue==
:''[First Lines]''
:'''Alice's sister''': ''[reading from a history book]'' &quot;...Who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand...&quot; Alice? ''[camera zooms out to show Alice sitting in a tree, playing with Dinah and making a chain of daisies]''
:'''Alice''': Hmm? Oh, I'm listening.
:'''Alice's sister''': &quot;And even Stigand, the archbishop of Canterbury, agreed to meet with William and offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate.&quot; ''[Alice laughs as her daisy crown falls on her face]'' Alice? Will you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?
:'''Alice''': I'm sorry, but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?
:'''Alice's sister''': My dear child, there are a great many good books in this world without pictures.
:'''Alice''': In ''this'' world, perhaps, but in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures.
:'''Alice's sister''': ''Your'' world? Huh! What nonsense. Now...
:'''Alice''': ''[getting inspiration]'' Nonsense? 
:'''Alice's sister''': Once more, from the beginning.
:'''Alice''': ''[to her cat, Dinah]'' That's it, Dinah. If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? ''[Dinah meows to her, shaking her head]'' In my world, you wouldn't say &quot;meow&quot;. You'd say, &quot;Yes, Miss. Alice&quot;. ''[Dinah meows as Alice picks her up]'' Oh, but you would. You'd be just like people, Dinah. And all the other animals, too. Why, in my world... Cats and rabbits / would reside in fancy little houses, / and be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers. / In a world of my own... / All the flowers / would have very extra special powers. / They would sit and talk to me for hours / when I'm lonely in a world of my own. / There'd be new birds, / lots of nice and friendly how-de-do birds. / Everyone would have a dozen bluebirds / within that world of my own. / I could listen to a babbling brook and hear a song that I could understand. / I keep wishing it could be that way / because my world would be a Wonderland.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_White_Rabbit.png|thumb|I'm late, I'm late.]]
:'''Alice''': ''[Dinah meows to her]'' Oh, Dinah. It's just a rabbit with a waistcoat... and a watch!
:'''The White Rabbit''': Oh, my fur and whiskers! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
:'''Alice''': Now, this is curious. What could a rabbit possibly be late for? ''[running after him]'' Please, sir!
:'''The White Rabbit''': I'm late, I'm late. For a very important date. No time to say &quot;hello&quot;. Goodbye. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': Curiouser and curiouser. ''[runs up to the small door by pulling back the curtains and turns the Doorknob, it starts talking]''
:'''The Doorknob''': D'ooooh!
:'''Alice''': Oh! I beg your pardon...
:'''The Doorknob''': Whew. Quite alright, but you did give me quite a turn.
:'''Alice''': You see, I was following...
:'''The Doorknob''': Rather good, what? Doorknob? Turn?
:'''Alice''': Please, sir.
:'''The Doorknob''': Since one good turn deserves another, what can I do for you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': ''[looking through the Doorknob's keyhole]'' There he is! I simply must get through.
:'''The Doorknob''': Sorry. You're much too big. Simply impassable.
:'''Alice''': You mean &quot;impossible&quot;?
:'''The Doorknob''': No, impassable. Nothing's impossible. Why don't you try the bottle on the table?
:'''Alice''': Table? ''[a table and a small bottle magically appear out of the shadows]'' Oh!
:'''The Doorknob''': Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
:'''Alice''': ''[reading the bottle's label]'' '''&quot;Drink Me.&quot;''' ''[uncorks the bottle]'' Hm, better look first. For if one drinks much from a bottle marked &quot;Poison&quot;, it's almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.
:'''The Doorknob''': Beg your pardon?
:'''Alice''': ''[laughs]'' I was just giving myself some good advice. ''[sighs]'' But... ''[drinks from the bottle]'' Mmm... tastes like, uh... cherry tart. ''[unknowingly shrinks down to the size of the table; takes another sip]'' Custard. ''[shrinks down again, barely holding onto the bottle; takes another drink]'' Pineapple. ''[shrinks down so much, she's now even smaller than the bottle itself and struggling with its weight]'' Roast turkey… ''[finally aware of the potion's effect]'' Goodness! ''[unable to support the bottle any longer, slips and drops it]'' What did I do?!
:'''The Doorknob''': ''[chuckles]'' You almost went out like a candle!
:'''Alice''': ''[runs up to the Doorknob; delighted]'' But look! I'm just the right size!
:''[She's about to open the door, but the Doorknob pulls away]''
:'''The Doorknob''': No use. ''[laughs]'' I forgot to tell you. I'm locked!
:'''Alice''': Oh, no!
:'''The Doorknob''': ''[stops laughing]'' But of course, you've got the key, so-
:'''Alice''': What key?
:'''The Doorknob''': Now, don't tell me you've left it up there.
:''[A key magically appears on top of the table and Alice fails to reach it when she tries to climb up]''
:'''Alice''': Oh, dear! Whatever will I do?
:'''The Doorknob''': Try the box, naturally.
:''[A tiny box magically appears in front of Alice]''
:'''Alice''': Oh. ''[opens the lid, revealing cookies labeled, &quot;Eat Me&quot;; takes one]'' &quot;Eat Me.&quot; All right. But goodness knows what this will do. ''[takes a bite and grows bigger as she hits her head on the ceiling]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee.png|thumb|That's logic.]]
:'''Alice''': ''[upon seeing Tweedledee and Tweedledum]'' What peculiar little figures. &quot;Tweedledee,&quot; and &quot;Tweedledum.&quot;
:'''Tweedledum''': ''[honk]'' If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay, you know.
:'''Tweedledee''': ''[beep]'' Contrariwise, if you think we're alive you ought to speak to us.
:'''Both''': That's logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tweedledee and Tweedledum''': ''[singing together]'' How d'ya do? And shake hands, shake hands, shake hands. How d'ya do? And shake hands and state your name and business. ''[both spoken]'' That's manners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': ''[after the Walrus and the Carpenter song]'' That was a very sad story.
:'''Tweedledee and Tweedledum''': Aye, but there's a moral to it.
:'''Alice''': Oh, yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The White Rabbit''': Why, Mary-Ann! What are you doing out here?
:'''Alice''': Mary-Ann?
:'''The White Rabbit''': Don't just do something, stand there... Uh... no, no! Go, go! Go get my gloves! I'm late!
:'''Alice''': But late for what? That's just what I...
:'''The White Rabbit''': My gloves! ''[Blows trumpet]'' At once, do you hear!? 
:'''Alice''': Goodness. I suppose I'll be taking orders from Dinah next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The White Rabbit''': We need a lazard with a liddle... a lad... can you help us?
:'''Bill the Lizard''': At your service, gov'nor.
:'''The Dodo''': Bill, my lad. Have you ever been down a chimney?
:'''Bill the Lizard''': Why, gov'nor, I've been down more chimneys...
:'''The Dodo''': Excellent, excellent. Now, just hop down the chimney and pull that monster out of there.
:'''Bill the Lizard''': Righto, gov'nor... Monster? Aaaaah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Dodo''': ''[singing]'' We'll blow the thing there out, we'll smoke the monster out!
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''[singing]'' We'll smoke the monster ou... ''[realizes what he just sang]'' NO! No-ho! My poor house and furniture!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': Oh, but that's nonsense. Flowers can't talk.
:'''The Rose''': But of course we can talk, my dear.
:'''The Iris''': If there's anyone worth talking to.
:'''The Daisy''': Or about. ''[giggles]''
:'''The Pansies''': And we sing, too!
:'''Alice''': You do?
:'''The Tulips''': Oh, yes! Would you like to hear &quot;Tell it to the Tulips&quot;?
:'''The Delphiniums''': No, let's sing about us.
:'''The Violet''': We know one about the shy violet.
:'''The Lilies''': Oh, no, not that old thing! Let's do &quot;Lovely lily at the valley&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Rose''': Girls! We shall sing &quot;Golden Afternoon&quot;. That's about all of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Daisy''': What kind of a garden d'you come from?
:'''Alice''': Oh, I don't come from any garden.
:'''The Daisy''': ''[gasps, to the Iris]'' Do you suppose she's a wildflower?
:'''Alice''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, no. I'm not a wildflower.
:'''The Rose''': Just what species or, shall we say, genus are you, my dear?
:'''Alice''': Well, I guess you would call me... genus, humanus... Alice.
:'''The Daisy''': Ever see an Alice with a blossom like that?
:'''The Iris''': Come to think of it, did you ever see an Alice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_Caterpillar.png|thumb|Who R U?]]
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''[meeting Alice]'' Who... 'are/R'... 'you/U'?
:'''Alice''': I- I hardly know, sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, you see...
:'''The Caterpillar''': I do not 'see/C.' Explain yourself.
:'''Alice''': I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you know.
:'''The Caterpillar''': I do not know.
:'''Alice''': Well, I can't put it any more clearly, sir, for it isn't clear to me.
:'''The Caterpillar''': 'You/U'? Who/O 'are/R' 'you/U'?
:'''Alice''': Well, don't you think you should tell me... ''[coughs from the smoke] Who/O,'' you are first?
:'''The Caterpillar''': Why?
:'''Alice''': Oh, dear, everything is ''so'' confusing.
:'''The Caterpillar''': It is not.
:'''Alice''': Well, it is to me.
:'''The Caterpillar''': Why?
:'''Alice''': Well, I can't remember things like I used to, and...
:'''The Caterpillar''': Recite.
:'''Alice''': Hm? Oh! Oh, yes, sir. Um, how doth the little bumblebee improve each...
:'''The Caterpillar''': Stop. That is not spoken correctically. It goes: How... ''[realizes nothing is coming out of his pipe and notices one of his set of hands grasping on the tube, clogging it; he slaps the hands to get it off the pipe; Alice giggles a bit, but the Caterpillar gives Alice a displeasing look]'' How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheer... ''[shakes a bit]'' How cheer... ''[notices one set of feet teetering on the leaf he's sitting on; he grabs them and puts them back on the leaf; Alice giggles again]'' How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws. ''[looks at Alice]''
:'''Alice''': Well, I must say, I've never heard it that way before.
:'''The Caterpillar''': I know. I have improo-ooved it. ''[blows smoke in Alice's face; she coughs]''
:'''Alice''': Well, if you ask me...
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''You/U? [scoffs] ''Who/O... Are/R... You/U?''
:''[Alice coughs as her head is enveloped in smoke. Fed up with the Caterpillar's nonsense, she storms off before stopping to kick a cloud of smoke off her shoe. She turns back to face the Caterpillar and leaves, her head turned up]''
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''[now noticing Alice leaving]'' You there. Girl. Wait! Come back! ''I have something important to say!''
:'''Alice''': Oh dear. I wonder what he wants now... ''[She returns to the Caterpillar, blowing a smoke arrow at a smoke target]'' Well?
:'''The Caterpillar''': Keep your temper.
:'''Alice''': Is that all?
:'''The Caterpillar''': No. Exaketededly, what is your problem?
:'''Alice''': Well, it's exak... exact... Well, it's precisely this. I should like to be a little larger, sir.
:'''The Caterpillar''': Why?
:'''Alice''': Well, after all, 3 inches is such a wretched height, and...
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''[suddenly angry]'' ''I'' am exaketededly 3 inches high, '''and it is a very good height, ''indeed!''''' ''[starts smoking his hookah faster and faster until he is enveloped in black smoke]''
:'''Alice''': But I'm not used to it. And you needn't... '''shout'''! ''[she blows the cloud away as she says this, showing the Caterpillar's skin, shoes, hands, and hookah laying there]'' Oh, dear.
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''[now a butterfly]'' By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller...
:'''Alice''': One side of what?
:'''The Caterpillar''': ...And the other side will make you grow shorter. ''[he flies away]''
:'''Alice''': ''[shouting]'' The other side of what?
:'''The Caterpillar''': ''[equally as loud; hostile]'' '''THE MUSHROOM, ''OF COURSE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': A serpent! Help! Help! A serpent, a serpent!
:'''Alice''': Oh, but please! Please!
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': Off with you! Shoo! Shoo! Go away! Serpent! Serpeeeent!
:'''Alice''': But I'm not a serpent!
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': Serpent- Indeed? Then, just what are you?
:'''Alice''': I'm just a little girl.
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': Little? Ha! ''Little?'' ''[laughs]''
:'''Alice''': Well, I am! I mean, I-I was.
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': And I suppose you don't eat eggs, either?
:'''Alice''': Yes, I do, but, but, but...
:'''The Bird in the Tree''': I knew it! I knew it! Serpent! Serpeeeent!
:'''Alice''': Oh, for goodness sake!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_Cheshire_Cat.png|thumb|Most everyone's mad here.]]
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': ''[singing] 'Twas brilig, and the slithy toves &lt;br&gt;  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe &lt;br&gt;  All mimsy were the borogroves,&lt;br&gt; And the mome raths outgrabe.''
:'''Alice''': Now, where in the world do you suppose that...?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Lose something?
:'''Alice''': ''[turns around to find just the Cat's smile talking to her]'' Oh! Uh, hehe, I...I, no, no, I mean, I, I was just wondering...
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Oh, that's...quite alright. One moment please. ''[Two eyes drop down on top of the mouth and play harmonica notes. The full cat form appears]'' Second chorus. ''[singing]'' 'Twas brilig, and the slithy toves &lt;br&gt;  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
:'''Alice''': Why, why, you're a cat!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': A ''Cheshire'' Cat. ''[starts to disappear]'' All mimsy were the borogroves...
:'''Alice''': Oh, wait! Don't go, please!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': ''[reappears]'' There you are! Third chorus...
:'''Alice''': Oh, no, no. Thank you, but I just wanted to ask which way I ought to go.
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Well, that depends on where you ought to get to.
:'''Alice''': Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as I...
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Then it really doesn't matter which way you go. ''[disappears and reappears on another tree branch]'' Oh by the way, if you'd really like to know, he went that way.
:'''Alice''': Who did?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': The White Rabbit.
:'''Alice''': He did?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': He did what?
:'''Alice''': He went that way.
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Who did?
:'''Alice''': The white rabbit!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': What rabbit?
:'''Alice''': But didn't you just say-? I mean- Oh, dear!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Can you stand on your head? If I were looking for a white rabbit, I'd ask the Mad Hatter.
:'''Alice''': The Mad Hatter? Oh, no, no, no...
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Or, there's the March Hare, in that direction.
:'''Alice''': Oh, thank you. I think I shall visit him...
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Of course, he's mad, too.
:'''Alice''': But I don't want to go among mad people!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here. ''[laughs maniacally and begins to disappear]''  You may have noticed that I'm not ''ALL THERE'' myself, ''[laughs creepily as he fades away]''  ''And the mome raths outgrabe!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The March Hare and the Mad Hatter''': ''[run over to Alice]'' No room! No room! No room!
:'''Alice''': I thought there was plenty of room.
:'''The March Hare''': Ah, but it's very rude to sit down without being invited.
:'''The Mad Hatter''': I'll say it's rude. It's very, very rude indeed.
:'''The Dormouse''': Very, very rude indeed.
:'''Alice''': I'm very sorry. But I did enjoy your singing, and I wonder if you could tell me…
:'''The March Hare''': You enjoyed ''our'' singing?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Oh, what a delightful child! I'm so excited. We never get compliments. You must have a cup of tea.
:'''The March Hare''': Ah, yes, indeed. The tea. You must have a cup of tea.
:'''Alice''': That would be very nice. I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party. ''[March Hare offers her a cup of tea]'' Thank you.
:'''The March Hare''': ''[yanks her teacup away]'' Birthday? Ha-ha-ha. My dear child, this is NOT a birthday party!
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Of course not. This is an ''un''birthday party.
:'''Alice''': Unbirthday? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand.
:'''The March Hare''': It's very simple. Now, 30 days has Septem -No, wait... An unbirthday, if you have a birthday, then, you - ''[laughs]'' She doesn't know what an unbirthday is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_Mad_Hatter.png|thumb|Would you like more tea?]]
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Would you like a little more tea?
:'''Alice''': Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more.
:'''The March Hare''': Ah, you mean you can't very well take less.
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Yes. You can always take more than nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''The Dormouse''': ''[Panics but calms down]'' There’s a cat…. 
:'''The Mad Hatter''': ''[after they have restrained the Dormouse]'' Ah, thank goodness! Those are the things that upset me!
:'''The March Hare''': See all the trouble you started?
:'''Alice''': But I didn't think...
:'''The March Hare''': Ah, that's just it. If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Alice_in_Wonderland_(1951)_-_March_Hare.png|thumb|Careful! SHE's STARK RAVING MAD!]]
:'''The Mad Hatter''': What's the matter, my dear? Don't you care for tea?
:'''Alice''': Why, yes. I'm very fond of tea, but-
:'''The March Hare''': If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!
:'''Alice''': ''[frustrated]'' Well, I've been trying to ask you-
:'''The March Hare''': I have an excellent idea. Let's change the subject.
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Why is a raven like a writing desk?
:'''Alice''': Riddles? ''[to herself]'' Let me see. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Alice''': Why is a raven like a writing desk?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': ''[shocked]'' WHY IS A WHAT?!
:'''The March Hare''': ''[nervously]'' Careful! SHE'S STARK RAVING M-MAD!
:'''Alice''': But it's ''your'' silly riddle. ''You'' just said...
:'''The Mad Hatter''': ''[nervously]'' Easy! Don't get excited!
:'''The March Hare''': ''[trying to make peace with Alice]'' How about a nice cup of tea?
:'''Alice''': ''[angrily]'' &quot;Have a cup of tea&quot;, indeed! Well, ''I'M'' sorry, but I just ''HAVEN'T'' the time!
:'''The March Hare''': THE TIME! THE TIME! WHO'S GOT THE TIME?
:'''The White Rabbit''': N-n-n-no time, no time, no time! Hello, goodbye, I'm late, I'm late.
:'''Alice''': The White Rabbit!
:'''The White Rabbit''': I'm so late! I'm so very late.
:'''The Mad Hatter''': ''[snatching the White Rabbit's Watch]'' Well, no wonder you're late! Why, this clock is ''EXACTLY'' two days slow!
:'''The White Rabbit''': Two days slow?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Of course you're late! ''[chuckles as he dunks the watch in the tea]'' MY GOODNESS! We'll have to look into this. ''[places a salt shaker over his eye and uses it as a jeweler's eyepiece]'' ''AHA!'' I see what's wrong with it! ''[starts to pry parts out of the watch with a fork]'' Why, this watch is full of wheels!
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''[shocked]'' OH, MY POOR WATCH! OH, MY WHEELS AND SPRINGS! But-but-but-but-but-but-
:'''The Mad Hatter''': BUTTER! Of course! It ''NEEDS'' some butter. BUTTER!
:'''The March Hare''': ''[shouts into Rabbit's ear]'' ''BUTTER!''
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''[confused]'' B-b-butter?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Butter! Oh, thank you! Ha-ha! Yes! That's FINE! Yes, thank you!
:'''The Rabbit''': Oh, no, no! No, no! No! You'll get crumbs in it!
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Oh, ''THIS'' is the ''VERY BEST'' butter! ''[throws butter in rabbit's face]'' What are you talking about?
:'''The March Hare''': Tea?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Oh, tea! I never ''THOUGHT'' of tea before! OF COURSE!
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''NO!''
:'''The Mad Hatter''': ''TEA!'' HE-HE-HE!
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''[shocked]'' NO! ''NOT'' TEA!
:'''The March Hare''': Sugar?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': SUGAR! TWO SPOONS! Yes, ha, ''TWO SPOONS'' thank you, yes! ''[jams the spoons straight into the watch]''
:'''The White Rabbit''': ''[shocked]'' Oh please, '''''BE CAREUL!'''''
:'''The March Hare''': ''JAM?''
:'''The Mad Hatter''': JAM! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT JAM!
:'''The White Rabbit''': No! No! Not jam!
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Yes, sure you want. It's nice to see.
:'''The March Hare''': ''MUSTARD?''
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Mustard! Yes...what? ''MUSTARD?!'' Don't let's be silly! ''Lemon'', that's ''different'', there. THAT should do it! Hahaha! ''[watch starts going crazy]'' LOOK AT THAT!
:'''The March Hare''': IT'S GOING MAD!
:'''Alice''': OH, MY GOODNESS!
:'''The White Rabbit''': OH, DEAR!
:'''The Mad Hatter''': I DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT'S THE BEST BUTTER!
:'''The March Hare''': MAD WATCH! ''MAD WATCH! '''MAD WATCH!'''
:'''The Mad Hatter''': OH, LOOK! OH, MY GOODNESS!
:'''The March Hare''': THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP A MAD WATCH! ''[smashes watch with a mallet; scene changes from color to black and white, then color again]''
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Two days slow. That's what it is.
:'''The White Rabbit''':  Oh, my watch...
:'''The Mad Hatter''':  It was?
:'''The White Rabbit''': And it was an '''''unbirthday''''' present, too.
:'''The March Hare''': Well, in that case... 
:'''The Mad Hatter and March Hare''': ''[sings both]'' A very merry unbirthday to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': Oh, dear. Now, I- now, I shall never get out. Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are, until someone finds you. B-But who'd ever think to look for me here? ''[sigh]'' Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice. ''[sings]'' But I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I'm always in. Be patient, is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious. And I'd love the change. Should something strange begin? ''[begins to cry]'' Well... I went along my merry way, and I never stopped to reason. I should've known there'd be a price to pay, someday... Someday... I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it! ''[cries harder]'' Will I ever learn to do the things I should? ''[continues crying]''
:'''The Chorus''': Will I ever learn / learn to do the things I should?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': ''[singing in disappear]'' Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm / And the mome raths outgrabe
:'''Alice''': Oh, Cheshire Cat, it's you!
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Whom did you expect? The white rabbit, perchance?
:'''Alice''': Oh, no, no, no. I-I'm through with rabbits. I want to go home! ''[blows nose]'' But I can't find my way.
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Naturally. That's because you have no way. All ways here you see, are the ''[ominously]'' ''QUEEN'S'' ways!
:'''Alice''': But I've never met any queen.
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': You haven't? You ha-VEN'T? Oh, but you must! She'll be mad about you, simply mad! ''[chuckles, then rolls over and almost disappears]'' The mome raths outgrabe...
:'''Alice''': Please, please! H-How can I find her?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter, the Card Painter''': Painting the roses red / We're painting the roses red / We dare to stop or waste a drop / So let the paint be spread / We're painting the roses red / We're painting the roses red / Bum bum bum bum / Oh-h-h-h / Painting the roses red / And many a tear we shed 
:'''The Card Painter''': Because we know
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter''': They'll cease to grow
:'''The Card Painter''': In fact, they'll soon be dead
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter''': Oh!
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter, the Card Painter''': And yet we got ahead / Painting the roses red / Red, red, red, red / Red, red, red, red / Painting the roses red / We're painting the roses red...
:'''Alice''': ''[singing]'' Oh, pardon me, but, Mr. 3 / Why must you paint them red?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': ''[singing]'' Painting the roses red...
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter, the Card Painter''': ''[singing]'' We're painting the roses red. Don't tell the Queen what you have seen or say that's what we said, but we're painting the roses red.
:'''Alice''': Yes, painting the roses red.
:'''The Card Painter''': Not pink!
:'''The Card Painter''': Not green!
:'''Alice''': Not aquamarine!
:'''The Card Painter, the Card Painter, the Card Painter''': We're painting the roses red!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The White Rabbit''': Her Imperial Highness, Her Grace, Her Excellency, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of Hearts! ''[The crowd cheers]'' ... And the King.
:'''The Card''': Hooray!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Hmm! Who's been painting my roses red? WHO'S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED? /Who dares to taint / With vulgar paint / The royal flower bed? / For painting my roses red / Someone will lose his head.
:'''The Card Painter''': Oh, no, Your Majesty, please! It's all *his* fault!
:'''The Card Painter''': Not me, your grace! The Ace, the Ace!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': You?
:'''The Card Painter''': No, Deuce!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': The Deuce, you say?
:'''The Card Painter''': Not me! The 3!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': That's enough! Off with their heads!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': And who is this?
:'''The King of Hearts''': Let me see, my dear. It's certainly not a heart. Do you suppose it's a club?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Off with his head!
:'''The King of Hearts''': Off with his head. Off with his head. By order of the Queen. Uh, you heard what Her Majesty said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The White Rabbit''': Your Majesty, members of the jury, loyal subjects... and the King... the prisoner at the bar stands accused of enticing Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of croquet, thereby and with malice of forethought, molesting, tormenting, and otherwise annoying our beloved...
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Never mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper.
:'''The White Rabbit''': ...Thereby causing the Queen to lose her temper.
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[to Alice]'' Now...are you ready for your sentence? 
:'''Alice''': Sentence? But there has to be a verdict first...
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.
:'''Alice''': But that just isn't the way...
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[shouting]'' All ways are...!
:'''Alice''': ...Your ways, Your Majesty.
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Yes, my child. ''[giggles]'' ''[yelling]'' OFF WITH HER-!
:'''The King of Hearts''': Consider, my dear. We called no witnesses. Couldn't we hear... maybe one or two, huh? Maybe...?
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Oh, very well- ''[yelling]'' '''''BUT GET ON WITH IT!''''' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The King of Hearts''': What do you know about this unfortunate affair?
:'''The March Hare''': Nothing.
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': Nothing whatever?
:'''The March Hare''': Nothing whatever!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': '''''THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT!''''' Jury, write that down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[yelling]''  '''''OOOOFF WITH YOUR HAT!''''' 
:'''The Mad Hatter''': Oh, my! ''[takes his hat off which reveals a teapot and teacup, giggles]''
:'''The King of Hearts''': Where were you when this horrible crime was committed?
:'''The Mad Hatter''': I was home drinking tea. ''[pours tea into a cup]'' Today, you know, was... ''[drinks tea]'' ...my unbirthday.
:'''The King of Hearts''': Why, my dear, today is YOUR unbirthday, too!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': It is?
:'''The March Hare''': It is?
:'''The Card Guards''': IT IS??? ''[to Alice's horror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[after the Queen of Hearts is hit in the head and covered in the tapestry]'' Somebody's head IS GOING TO ROLL FOR THIS! ''[RRRRIP! The Queen's face covered by jam, seeing that Alice must have done this]'' AH-HA!
:'''Alice''': ''[throws away the gavel and jam and stuffs her hands in her apron's pockets, which soon reveals she still has both parts of the mushroom]'' The mushroom! ''[she quickly eats both parts]''
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[yelling]'' '''OFF WITH HER HE-!''' ''[covers her mouth in shock as Alice is grown to the height of the courtroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alice''': ''[to the card guards, after she grows to the height of the courtroom]'' Oh, pooh. I'm not afraid of you. Why, you're nothing, but a pack of cards.
:'''The King of Hearts''': ''[reading through a rulebook]'' Rule forty-two: All persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately!
:'''Alice''': I am not a mile high! And I’m not leaving.
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[nervously]'' S-Sorry. Rule forty-two, you know.
:'''Alice''': Now, as for you, Your ''Majesty''. ''[unaware that she is shrinking quickly]'' Or Your Majesty, indeed. Why, you're not a queen. Why, you're just a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old ty... ''[finally realizes she has shrunk down]'' ...tyrant.
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[laughs evilly]'' And, uh, what were you saying, my dear?
:'''The Cheshire Cat''': ''[appears suddenly, to Alice's horror]'' Well, she simply said that you're a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant! ''[disappears laughing]''
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[yelling]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''OOOOOOOFF WITH HER HEAAAAD!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Alice reaches the door to escape from the mob]''
:'''The Doorknob''': ''[tries to open the door]'' D'oh! I'm - still locked, you know!
:'''Alice''': ''[in horror]'' But the Queen! I simply *must* get out!
:'''The Doorknob''': ''[chuckles]'' But you *are* outside.
:'''Alice''': ''[releases her grip on the Doorknob]'' What?
:'''The Doorknob''': ''[opens his mouth]'' See for yourself. ''[Alice sees through his mouth and sees herself asleep with Dinah also sleeping on her lap by a tree in a beautiful meadow]''
:'''Alice''': Why - why, that's me! I'm asleep!
:'''The Queen of Hearts''': ''[shouting from a distance, advancing toward Alice along with a mob of other Wonderland characters]'' Don't let her get away! Off with her head!
:'''Alice''': ''[in terror, through the Doorknob's mouth]'' Alice, wake up! Please, wake up, Alice! ''[the mob comes closer]'' Alice! Please, wake up, Alice! ''[as the mob draws nearer, the screen goes into swirling multicolor until it shows Alice sleeping by the tree]''
:''[last lines]''
:'''Alice''': ''[voiceover]'' Alice! Alice! Alice!
:'''Alice's sister''': ''[changes to her sister's]'' Alice! Alice! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?
:'''Alice''': ''[waking up after escaping the mob]'' Hm? Oh. Oh, uh, how doth the little crocodile improve each shining tail and pour the waters of the...
:'''Alice's sister''': Alice, what *are* you talking about?
:'''Alice''': Oh, I'm sorry. But you see, the Caterpillar said...
:'''Alice's sister''': Caterpillar? Oh, for goodness sakes. Alice, I... Oh, well. Come along, it's time for tea.

== About ''Alice in Wonderland'' ==
* No story in English literature has intrigued me more than Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. It fascinated me the first time I read it as a schoolboy and as soon as I possibly could after I started making animated cartoons, I acquired the film rights to it. People in his period had no time to waste on triviality, yet Carroll with his nonsense and fantasy furnished a balance between seriousness and enjoyment which everybody needed then and still needs today.
:* [[Walt Disney]] ''American Weekly'' (1946)

==Cast==
* [[w:Kathryn Beaumont|Kathryn Beaumont]] - Alice (voice)
* [[Ed Wynn]] - Mad Hatter (voice)
* [[w:Richard Haydn|Richard Haydn]] - Caterpillar (voice)
* [[w:Sterling Holloway|Sterling Holloway]] - Cheshire Cat (voice)
* [[w:Jerry Colonna (entertainer)|Jerry Colonna]] - March Hare (voice)
* [[w:Verna Felton|Verna Felton]] - Queen of Hearts (voice)
* [[Bill Thompson]] - White Rabbit &amp; Dodo (voice)
* [[w:Heather Angel (actress)|Heather Angel]] - Alice's sister (voice)
* [[w:Joseph Kearns|Joseph Kearns]] - Doorknob (voice)
* [[w:Larry Grey|Larry Grey]] - Bill (voice)
* [[w:Queenie Leonard|Queenie Leonard]] - Bird in the Tree (voice)
* [[w:J. Pat O'Malley|Pat O'Malley]] - Tweedles, Walrus and Carpenter, and curious oysters (voice) 
* [[w:Jimmy MacDoanld (sounds effect artist)|James MacDonald]] - Dormouse (voice) 
* [[w:Dink Trout|Dink Trout]] - King of Hearts (voice)

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline|Alice in Wonderland (1951 film)|''Alice in Wonderland'' (1951 film)}}
* {{commonscat-inline|Alice in Wonderland (1951 film)|''Alice in Wonderland'' (1951 film)}}
* {{imdb title|0043274|Alice in Wonderland}}

[[Category:1951 films]]
[[Category:1950s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Films based on Alice in Wonderland]]
[[Category:Films about children]]
[[Category:Animated films about rabbits and hares]]
[[Category:Films about lizards]]
[[Category:The Walt Disney Company]]
[[Category:Films about size change]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ghostbusters: The Video Game</title>
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      <text bytes="144512" sha1="7y946vcymmgxa7qk3h4hyvdmcqqfoqf" xml:space="preserve">{{Italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ghostbusters: The Video Game|Ghostbusters: The Video Game]]''''' is a 2009 video game published by [[w:Atari|Atari]]. The game takes place two years after ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' and reunites the cast including [[Bill Murray]], [[Dan Aykroyd]], [[w:Harold Ramis|Harold Ramis]], [[w:Ernie Hudson|Ernie Hudson]] and [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]]. The player is a rookie, who joins the Ghostbusters as they uncover the latest evil plot that could terrorize the world.

==[[w:Raymond Stantz|Dr. Raymond Stantz]]==
* Hey! It's the new cadet! Welcome aboard.
*''(Looking at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man)'' It wasn't me this time, I swear it.

==[[w:Peter Venkman|Dr. Peter Venkman]]==
* Yo! Little help!
* Oww. I mean, that was &quot;oww&quot; there.
* You can use the proton stream to take out objects blocking your way. That's it. Just throw the junk around.
* You destroyed a significant part of a five-star in under three hours. Your mother and I are so proud of you. Right, Egon?
* ''(after being slimed by Slimer a second time)'' Gaaah, funkified again!!!
* ''(About Ray being possessed again)'' Just like a puppy...every day's the first day.

==[[w:Winston Zeddemore|Dr. Winston Zeddemore]]==
* Help me!
* I don't know what you guys did to me, but you owe me a BIG apology.
* Are you kidding me? Haunted laundromats?
* The kid's on to something!

==[[w:Dr. Egon Spengler|Dr. Egon Spengler]]==
* Well, this looks inviting.
* Our own private shortcut to Hell. That's convenient.
* We eat gods for breakfast!

==Dialogue==
:''(Opening Lines)''

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[On TV]'' Are you troubled by strange noises in the night?

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[On TV]'' Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[On TV]'' Have you or your family actually seen a spook, specter or ghost?

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[On TV]'' If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute.

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[On TV]'' Just pick up the phone and call the professionals!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[On TV]'' Call the...

'''Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz and Egon Spengler:''' ''[On TV]'' Ghostbusters! We're ready to believe you!

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[On TV]'' Franchises available soon! Call for details.

''[All cameras go haywire]''

'''Security Guard:''' Oh! Russell! Hey, man. You near the East Wing?

'''Russell:''' Yep.

'''Security Guard:''' ''[On Radio]'' B-b-by the new Gozer exhibit?

'''Russell''': Yeah. Why?

'''Security Guard:''' ''[On Radio]'' There's something headed your way!

'''Russell:''' Wait. I hear something. I'm gonna take a look. 

''[One exhibit's eyes glow]''

'''Security Guard:''' ''[On Radio]'' You wanna hear something really creepy? I was reading about Shandor, you know the guy who donated most of the Gozer stuff. He was into the occult. You know, the supernatural. Weird dude!

'''Russell:''' ''[Startled at the sight of a skeleton exhibit]'' Uhh, why don't we talk about it some other time. Any other time. ''[Waves flashlight. He sees a woman running]'' AAAAA! Hey, you can't be in here. Stop! ''[Sees a blue shockwave.]'' AAAAAAAAA!

''[Shockwave reaches to the whole of New York.]''

'''Janine Melnitz:''' ''[On phone]'' Ghostbusters. Is your haunting an apparition, poltergeist, phantasm, wraith, banshee, demon, spectre, tortured soul or - ''[pauses]'' What? ''[Shows a trapped Slimer]'' No. We do not summon dead family members and catch them so you ask them the combination of your safe. Yeah, well, same to you, pal.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey! It's the new cadet. Welcome aboard!

''[Ray is wearing an improved proton pack. Egon is fixing it.]''

'''Egon Spengler:''' This might be a little dangerous.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Great. Danger is our life.

'''Egon Spengler:''' We'll start at fifty-percent capacity. That should keep any burning or tissue damage to minimum.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Hey. If you're gonna burn any tissue, do it to the new kid. You can't use Ray. Our mortgage in his name.

'''Ray Stantz:''' I guess he's right. What's your name, kid?

'''Peter Venkman:''' No names, Ray. I don't want to get too attached to this kid. You know, just in case. You remember what happened to the last guy? 

''[Rookie places in the pack]''

'''Ray Stantz:''' He's tuned and ready to go.

'''Egon Spengler:''' You may feel a little tingle. Good. We've perfected an extensive and rigorous training regimen that will teach you all your equipment's basic functions.

'''Ray Stantz:''' It takes some time to achieve Master Throw Skill, but it's definitely worth the effort.

''[The blue shockwave approaches them]''

'''Egon Spengler:''' Was that us?

'''Ray Stantz:''' I don't think so.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Had to be some sort of Psi energy pulse! Substantial! A significant collected and centralized necromantic convulsion level seven or more.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Agreed. We need PKE measurement checks now.

''[Slimer's cage cracks]''

'''Janine Melnitz:''' I know the answer, but I'm gonna ask anyway... is a level seven, uh, whatever ...bad? Or very bad?

'''Egon Spengler:''' On a scale of one to ten, I would say...

'''Peter Venkman:''' Let me guess. It's a seven. 

'''Ray Stantz:''' Let's just say we're about to get real busy. 

''[Slimer escapes]''
 
'''Peter Venkman:''' And that is not the fun kind of getting busy - is it, Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Look out. Slimer's escaped again!

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[Sarcastically speaking]'' No, wait. Come back.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Slimer went that way! Follow him!

'''Egon Spengler:''' There it is. It seems oddly drawn to the containment grid.

'''Ray Stantz:''' He's been fascinated with it ever since you added the viewer to the unit. Okay. Easy now, cadet. I'll talk you through this. Use the proton steam to get his attention. No! Not the Containment Unit! That's some highly sensitive equipment you're disintegrating there, kid! Oops! You let one out!

'''Egon Spengler:''' That's my fault. I was fine-tuning the interspatial gasket this afternoon. I'll fix it. You two get those ghosts back.

'''Ray Stantz:''' He went into the sub-basement! And his escape friend went with him! Hmm. Come on kid, we got a job for ya. Taking the right precautions, Slimer's harmless. Uh, more or less. Not sure about the other guy, though... Okay, let's go get 'em, then. Oh, and don't sweat the containment unit. it's easy to get excited your first time out with the proton steam. Egon will fix it in no time. Now, first and foremost, before things get out of hand. You want to get to know your proton pack. It can be your best friend out there in the field. Everything you need to know is displayed on the pack itself! Here's where you keep an eye on your current physical condition. The more green that's on the bar, the more damage you can sustain and still stay on your feet. The bar indicates your pack's heat level. When it gets to the top, you'll went to vent the pack and keep it from shorting out and resetting. For the most part, capturing a ghost is pretty straightforward. We break it into three basic steps: Sap 'em, Cap 'em, and Trap 'em. Special entities derive all their strength from an accumulation of PK energy. Blasting them with your proton stream or other offensive equipment helps to dissipate that energy. Dissipating their PK energy also makes them easier to capture. Do it again! See that overlay on the ghost? It indicates the current accumulation of a ghost's PKE. The The more you disperse, the weaker it becomes. Ooh! We lost Slimer! There it is! Ugh. And I thought Slimer was disgusting. All right, you've got it good and winded. Next stage: Cap 'em! You can project a capture stream, or wrangler, manually, using this control. On the other hand, the pack will detect when a ghost is sufficiently weakened and auto-select the capture stream setting. Get in there and throw a capture stream on that tub of goo! Fantastic! You've got it! Soon as your ghost is in your capture stream, the slam meter begins to slowly charge. Whoops! Monkey suit doesn't like that! You've gotta fight him to keep him in the cone! Very nice, cadet. You've got some real promise! Oh and always remember to retrieve your trap!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[Heard from Ray’s communicator]'' Did you get them?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ah, we're batting .500. Slimer slipped out. Our cadet bagged his first one through! A very nasty customer. Oh, and you've got to be very careful about crossing the streams. In a word: don't do it.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[Heard from Ray’s communicator]'' Seriously.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Stings like the dickens, too.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Hey, how come this mump gets all the new stuff?

'''Egon Spengler:''' He's our new &quot;Experimental Equipment Technician&quot;.

'''Peter Venkman:''' He gets a cool tile, too?

'''Ray Stantz:''' It means he gets to carry around a bunch of untested, extremely, dangerous hardware that if not handled correctly could blow him somewhere into New Jersey.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Oh, this knucklehead lugs around our very dangerous prototype hardware that could potentially blow us into New Jersey? Thanks! Keep the title, kid. It'll work hard on you. Scooter? We need to go, let's roll.

'''Vigo:''' I see evil of the times to come. You will remember paying $1.45 for gas and will weep hot tears for yesterday. What was will be. What is, will be no more. Did you know that the human large intestine, when stretched out, will wrap around a city block? You have to get a running start.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Where to, Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' The Sedgewick Hotel. It's the first place that little spud go.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Right. Back to the initial manifestation point.

'''Ray Stantz:''' They've got a real buffet.

'''Peter Venkman:''' It's a great one. When Winston returns from the opera, extend an invitation to join us at our table at the Sedgewick. Hey you! You're up, buddy! Training will be on the job tonight. Try not to destroy too many Manhattan landmarks... that's our job.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' That disgusting green blob is up on the 12th floor again, wreaking havoc! I demand a refund right now!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Sir, if you check the fine print on our invoice.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Invoices.
 
'''Peter Venkman:''' Right, invoices... you'll see that your warranty on re-haunting expired some time ago. You should've taken the extended service agreement.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I'm getting some interesting PKE spikes here. Disturbances don't seem to be exclusive to the 12th floor. I'd like the chance to look around the building a little more.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Good. Dug up what you can. That little greenie shouldn't cause us too much trouble.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, hello. You're perfectly safe now, Miss. The Ghostbusters are here.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Back off, loser. Never gonna happen.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Haha. That approach rarely works with me. I'll show you why later.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ah, by the way, cadet, we get paid by the job, not by the hour. Let's go. Alright, ace, get ready.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Dr. Stantz, if you'd do the honors?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Proud to, Dr. Venkman.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Part of our settlement with the city: proton packs must remain off in heavily populated public areas.

'''Ray Stantz:''' And in close quarters. It minimizes the city's liabilities and satisfies the restraining order the maid here had put on us.

'''Peter Venkman:''' World we live today. You shoot a proton stream of highly charged particles at someone...they get all sue-happy.

'''Ray Stantz:''' It's him!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Nice. Now we got another plaintiff. Aw, come on, Ray! I'm the one that gets a face full of slime every time the little green buddy escapes! He doesn't even know me well enough to hate me.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ah, yow! Jeez.

'''Peter Venkman:''' We're burning daylight, pilgrim. Can we get outta here?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Alright...showtime. We wear him out, then we capture him. That's what your proton steam is for. You've got him on the run! C'mon, let's go! Peter!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Nah, I've seen this one already. Know how it ends. You two have fun though. I'll cover the elevators and escort any ladies safely to their rooms.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yeah, ok. And this signal looks just like your elusive little targeted entity. Your meter will flash and buzz when it detects a potential signal. The Paragoggles are linked directly to your active PKE Meter. This lets you see otherwise undetectable phenomena, while you track it. Ghost trails, object auras, all kinds of cool events! Now, when the center bar packs, you're headed in the right direction. When its flat, you're following a cold trail. Line the target up with the smallest circle for the best scan. Okay! You got it! Now, just take a scan. Way to go! Red signifies a hidden ghost. Green indicates an environmental paranormal anomaly. Blue means an active sample. You're red hot! Careful! Getting a good scan is sort of like taking a good snapshot. Careful! Phew! Whoa! He's definitely been here. An 'active sample' is something you can collect, like a cursed artifact. We get paid extra for everything we scan and collect. Then we roll it back into Research and Development. The extra funds let us experiment with new equipment and offensive technologies. Which, is turn, you get to wear on your back to test. Remember, you can always review techniques, tutorials, and equipment in your online Ghostbusters Field manual. It's all accessible from your PKE Meter.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ray! I don't feel good!

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' Peter, come in! You okay? Uh-oh. ''[to the rookie]'' Man down! We've got a man down! Go, go, go! C'mon! Shake a leg! You can move faster than that, can't you? Double-time, cadet! He's been slimed! Again! Hustle over here and help him up, will ya?

'''Peter Venkman:''' How did this even happened? I was covering the elevators! The mutant stromboli snuck up on me. ''[after being slimed by Slimer a second time]'' Gaaah, funkified again!!!

'''Ray Stantz:''' When one of us goes down, we always help each other out. It's all about teamwork.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Oh, no, my friend. That was back in the pre-smiling era. Right now, it's all about payback!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Peter's communicator]'' You guys need to get down here immediately. Our live-in science experiment is tearing apart the lobby, and he's not alone.

'''Ray Stantz:''' More ghosts? But we gave this hotel a clean bill of health five years ago.

'''Egon Epengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' New people die everyday.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Call the elevator, Junior. Alright, Slimer! You've had your fun! The elevator's off limits! ''[speaking into communicator]'' Egon, come in. I think we're stuck in the elevator. We need some HELP!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Think we're stuck? Well, let's see... Think we're stuck, think we're stuck, think we're stuck... Ray, you guys uh...good with officially stuck in the elevators? Show of hands...

''[rookie raises his hand]''

'''Ray Stantz:''' Here it comes...

'''Peter Venkman:''' Kill it, Ray!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Need a hand?

'''Peter Venkman:''' You always fail me, Ray? Don't you?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Nevermind the Onionhead for now. The ghost with the red cap is fighting hard to hold, stasis!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Come on! He's a New York bellhop! Just tip him, will ya!

'''Egon Spengler:''' The convulsive PK shockwave really stirred the nest. Man, this lobby is so wrecked!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Can we please call Winston and tell him his night off has officially ended?

'''Ray Stantz:''' More of them! They've split up!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Ray, follow me! The others are floating back upstairs. Venkman, you two pull our friend Slimer into a trap as fast as you can. There's a massive bulge in these spikes indicating this isn't just come routine clearing job.

'''Peter Venkman:''' He gets so bossy when he hasn't had his nap. Hey now... is that honey-gazed ham ...and prime rib? There. The Alhambra Ballroom. No way he could pass that up.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' Absolutely not! You can't go in, the Rodriquez Bar Mitzvah is set to start in half an hour!

'''Peter Venkman:''' I'll bet the beef brisket is today's special.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' ...and you've done quite enough already. I'm sure the... thing ...will just go away... I...I'm... willing to risk it. You're not going in there!

'''Peter Venkman:''' That's all we needed to hear. Alright, we're out! Coffee time, everyone! Service has been declined beyond this point.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Peter's communicator]'' Sounds like the Alhambra's off-limits...

'''Peter Venkman:''' The shuntz say. Nobody slimes Pete Venkman twice and gets away with it.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Peter's communicator]'' Be careful, Peter. Remember the Ellis Island incident?

'''Peter Venkman:''' The Alhambra should be right through...here. Hello? Chef? Okay, champion. You lead for a while. Alright, don't touch the slime. It's slimy...and it's extremely dangerous. Yaaghhh! You'd think I'd be used to that stuff by now! Nothing to worry about. Most kitchens have self starting pilot lights. Okay, I dare ya! Everything but the kitchen sink. This is why I eat out of a can. Alright, check this out. To trap him, you've gotta grab him and to grab him, use the other half of the Proton Wand: the Capture Stream. That's all there is to it. You just throw this junk anywhere. We don't stick around and clean up. You know, I thought that guy said 'Rodriguez Bar Mitzvah.' Would it kill him to mix in a green salad once in a while? I'm gonna take backup. Blast him until he's dazed and then throw your capture stream on him. Good, good. That's it, buddy. You've got the little monster breathing hard. Got him! Now trey to hold him still - you gotta wear him down. When he's tired, you'll be able to put his sorry crater of a butt into the trap. Yeah! Perfect! See? That's a big wow. That'll teach that pitful goop-sack to slime Pete Venkman. And, by extension,...you. Perhaps a place setting disturbed. Still pretty much ready. Full go for the Rodriguez blowout.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' ''[enters]'' The Alhambra Ballroom! The Bar Mitzvah! What have you done? The guests are arriving in fifteen minutes!

'''Peter Venkman:''' And what seems to be your problem? Thanks to me and my new exclusively assigned recruit here, the festivities can now proceed in an entirely ghost-free environment, so you're welcome. Eh? And to the Rodriguez: L'Chaim from the Ghostbusters!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Nice of you guys to join us. You grab the little spud?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ray, we need to heart-to-blob talk with this one or we are gonna have discipline issues when he's a teenager.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh-oh! Heads up! Your initiation is over! Now give us a hand! We've got a couple of really persistent, troublesome spirits here! Nice streaming. You're getting hang of it. Good trap work.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' Who's going to pay for all of this?!

'''Ray Stantz:''' No need to worry, sir. As you know, the Mayor rode to office on a strictly pro-Ghostbusters platform, and we now invoice the city directly for all captures and eliminations. An unhaunted New York is a tourist friendly New York.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' No... the damage!

'''Egon Spengler:''' The Mayor and city have taken out an extensive insurance policy as well so you're covered.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Honestly, I'm sensing some hostility here. Perhaps we should just leave the ghosts here if that's what you would prefer, sir.

'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager:''' No... no. But please, be discreet.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Discretion is our professional watch word. Head's up! Whoa! Where did HE come from?!

'''Egon Spengler:''' I suppose we should go after him. Unless you want to discuss it first?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Cadet. Go with Dr. Spengler. Check out the angry fisherman.

'''Egon Spengler:''' This way. Looks like he's drifting upstairs. Shh. Look out! Can't get across there! Move! Take the lead! Take this trap!

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from rookies communicator]'' Hey! Is there a bathtub overflowing up there?

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from rookies communicator]'' More specifically: a 7000-cubic meter bathtub filled with prontonically charged seawater? And, um, sea cucumbers? Ray, did you tell the recruit about semi-dimensional rift entities? This type of highly agitated environment is a likely manifestation point.

''[Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz and Peter Venkman arrive]''

'''Egon Spengler:''' Good work. You are alright?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Nice going! You might really be the right person for this job.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Yes, you have destroyed a significant section of a five-star New York hotel in just under three hours. Your mother and I are so proud. Aren't we, Egon?

'''Egon Spengler:''' He's got something! Let's track it down!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Egon? Ray? This is something new for us, isn't it? First one I've ever seen! It's some type of highly focused anthropomorphic animator: an entity which artifacts familiar objects to itself so it can materially manifest its rage!

'''Egon Spengler:''' It's generating a field of attraction so strong that it's able to reassemble its component parts! Wrangle it!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yank it out of there.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Wrangle it away.

'''Peter Venkman:''' I thought I didn't like knives and forks flying at me. But, when knives and forks become a big angry giant, that's really me not liking it. A lot. Happens everyday, right? Anybody hear from Zeddemore?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' ''[heard from the Ghostbusters communicators]'' Uh, guys? I'm right outside. And so is something else.

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[speaking into his communicator]'' Gosh we've missed you, partner. Glad you could make it. But first, how was Aida? Mhmm. Well, we had to make do with, uh, this new specimen here.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' ''[heard from Peter’s communicator]'' I've been trying to get here for over four hours, Peter! Traffic is a little blocked right now!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Wait...I know that thud...

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[speaking into his communicator]'' Winston, what do you see out there?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' ''[heard from Egon’s communicator]'' It's big, it's clean and soft and white. And you all aren't gonna like it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' No... this is not possible. Not here. Now now. not again! ''[Looking at the Stay Puft Marshmallow man]'' It wasn't me this time, I swear it.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Pull it together, Ray. What do we have that can stop that cheap confection?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Ray, weren't you gonna finish up the install of the Super Slammer today?

'''Peter Venkman:''' The Super Slammer? Sounds untested, tacky and exciting. I'm in. But will it work?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Against the minions of a god? That was never the intent, but in theory I suppose it could. But a Muon trap of this capacity has never been used, or even tried before.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Uh-huh and why would that stop guys that don't know any better?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Yeah, man. What are we? The FDA?

'''Egon Spengler:''' We'll have to clear a path through this mess first. Get moving! His reside is animating!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Lordy help us! Stay Puft is somehow hatching these... mini minions from himself. Well, there's paranormal physiology for ya. Always something to make your stomach turn. Nettlesome little yaprpers!...and yet today they look so darn tasty. Blast 'em.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Multiple class 5 FRV's! Inbound!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Ray, prepare the Muon trap.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Switching on the Muon trap.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Ah, yeah! My favorite song: 'Switched-on Muon trap!’ Oh yeah! I'm LIKING the Super Slammer!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Throw all the ghosts you capture at the Slammer. You can relinquish your handheld unit.

'''Peter Venkman:''' I dreaded you when you were alive. You're worse! And whoa! Ohh! What, big soap shortage in the afterlife, guys?! Don't give them change! You're only encouraging them!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Venkman, we need to have a talk about tolerance! Uh, Ray? Can you stop the car for a minute?

'''Egon Spengler:''' No. Not if we're going to catch up to our old friend. I'm detecting something...significant... ...behind us.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' What is it? Am I hearing wings?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Class six!...kinetic animators! Multiple contacts!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Grab him and slam him, noob!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Interesting. Ghosts and gargoyles.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey! That was a game: 'Ghosts and Gargoyles', a game we played when I was in the Seminary.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ghosts and Gargoyles. What dink game didn't you play? Do you have your eight-sided dice with you? What a... what a... what's uh... what a... wha... what do we do?

'''Egon Spengler:''' It's not vaporizing fast enough. There's too much of it.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Damn! We were starting to make good time, too.

'''Ray Stantz:''' And I thought it couldn't become any harder to get around Manhattan. Any ideas?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Well, we're not getting through that way now!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Hey, cut through this alley. We might be able to head off Stay Puft.

'''Ray Stantz:''' We need to find a way out of this mess. 

'''Peter Venkman:''' See, it's either you or Egon, Ray or Winston.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' I've had just about enough of the Marshmallow Parade. Let's go see if we can find us a shortcut. You with me? Are you kidding me? Haunted laundromat? That looks like our ticket. That tanker's leaking gas all over the place. That is a serious safely hazard, man.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' I wanted to test these first, but since we're waiving that safety step today anyway, you should be aware that I modified the Neutrona Wand which normally releases the particle stream.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Wow! It's like Christmas came early!

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Earlier than what? They started Christmas before Halloween this year! Santa came to my house dressed as Dracula!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Boston darts should do the trick! You guys might wanna stand back.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' How far, exactly?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Back... WAY back.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Do I still have eyebrows? 

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Same old, same old.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' I said &quot;way back.&quot;

'''Ray Stantz:''' Nicely done. Great job, kid!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Yeah, combustible gasoline. It's the future. Egon, once again on the Super Slammer. I, uh...dog ate my homework.

'''Egon Spengler:''' It's a prototype, Peter. Do you recall the memo from you about you getting too many memos on prototypes?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, I did write that memo.

'''Egon Spengler:''' We've mounted a high-expansion, rapid cycle multiple ghost absorber. It's faster and larger than our portable units.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Am I in jeopardy? Is this a big enough stick to roast this guy? Okay, okay!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Potentially. But our exposure to inter-dimensional deities has been only marginal to date, so it would be wise to anticipate some error.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Yahh! You know, for a big guy, he fights awfully sneaky. You should tie a propeller around his neck.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Wrong way, peach fuzz. Come here. 'Hindenburg: The Opera'? Wasn't that show shut down when the stage caught fire and killed the cast?

'''Peter Venkman:''' I read the reviews. Oh the humanity!

'''Ray Stantz:''' I had to say that.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' That's right. Ruthless producers. They just reopened it last week. It's crackling. There must be something really bad about this place.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Grab a full scan.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Good idea. We should probably have a look around.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Guess that means we're not alone here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yep. These are unusual flux patterns. Whoa, wait! Don't touch that! That's what I thought. Black slime. Black slime is a hazardous form of ectoplasmic residue. Toxic to both body and soul. Very dangerous. Egon and I haven't developed clothes and boots sufficient enough to insulate against the negative psychokinetic effect's of this stuff yet, so be careful.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' In other words, the stains don't ever come out.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Whoa!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Watch yourself!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Look out! The Fat Lady's singing!

'''Peter Venkman:''' She is so over.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Looks like an opera singer, and a hefty one at that. Peter, you better take her.

'''Peter Venkman:''' What's that supposed to mean? I'm a chubby chaser? I take out one plump girl on a blind date, like her personality and you guys can't let it go.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' I don't have time for you right now, gargoyle!

'''Peter Venkman:''' More of them!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' You just did a service to humanity, kid. Hindenburg is a terrible show.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Times Square, post-urban renewal. All shiny and clean. I love it!

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Say, is that him?

'''Egon Spengler:''' He's hard to miss.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Egon, how close do we have to get the big trap to reel him in?

'''Egon Spengler:''' A lot closer than this.

'''Peter Venkman:''' What's he up to now?

'''Ray Stantz:''' He's...looking for something.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Is he looking for something or someone?

''[Ray is shown in the ECTO-1 as he sinks down in his seat]''

'''Reporter:''' As you can see behind me, the streets are in absolute chaos! Authorities are doing everything they can to quell the panic and maintain order. It is madness out here! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, star of popular children's television show, is on a rampage! This is NOT the Stay Puft we've come to love! Fortunately, the Ghostbusters have arrived to put everything back to normal!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' It's damaged. I've got to fix it or we won't stand a chance.

'''Ray Stantz:''' We need to get here to there...make sure the big boy doesn't find whatever he's looking for!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Good strategy. It's dangerous, though...that's a lot of open ground to cover.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking to the rookie]'' Alright, sport. Looks like it's me and you. Let's go across Times Square and get into the building Stay Puft is so interested in. You guys keep him off us if you think you can!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator referring to Staypuft]'' He knows you're there, Ray! I don't think he likes it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' Yep. He spotted us. ''[speaking to the rookie]'' Keep moving! Keep away from those feet! He'll stomp you into jelly! Soften him up with your Boston Darts! Boson Darts should do the trick. Nice Boson, that really dinged him! Great job! Now see if he wants... S'more...get it? I'm funny too ya know. Here he comes! Evasive maneuvers! Stick close to me and as far away from him as you can! ''[speaking into communicator]'' Venkman! You gotta distract him! Venkman! Are you getting coffee?! Venkman's getting coffee! ''[speaking to the rookie]'' Pepper him with Boson Darts! Stay on your toes! Follow me quick! Draw him over here. Boy! He's really mad! Stay on my six! There's our way in! Break for it! ''[addressing everyone in the building lobby]'' It's okay! Ghostbusters! Just a Level 5 thought-from Crossrip! The professionals are here! Everybody calmly exit the street! Make no sudden movements! ''[speaking to the rookie]'' Uh-oh! He didn't find what he was looking for on the bottom floors. Come on. We've got to get to the top floors!

'''Hotel Manager:''' All full. Going up. He, uh, just passed gas. Catch the next one.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Relax, sir. We handle foul vapors all the time.

'''Hotel Manager:''' &quot;Let's stay in for lunch&quot;, you said. &quot;Why leave the building?&quot;, you said. &quot;It'll be quiet&quot;, you said. You know you're fired?

'''Guy:''' ''[speaks with mocking sarcasm]'' You're right. I secretly know our lives would be in danger and thought &quot;Hey, I'll make sure I trap Mark with me inside an elevator!&quot;.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Excuse us. Ghostbusters to the rescue! Stay with me, Hoss! I'm sure there's more fun up ahead. Aww, I missed him. Huh? We've stirred up a hornet's nest, kid. Uh-oh. No sudden movements! Okay...it sure got quiet all of sudden... They're in the vents! They're in the vents! Don't let them circle behind you! Yuck! I'm covered in marshmallow minion goo! Stay Puft is working overtime generating these little creeps. Watch out! They're smart! Whew! The janitors are gonna have to break out the BIG brooms tomorrow morning. Let's go. Oh, man!''[speaking into communicator]'' Venkman, come in please. It's pandemonium up here - chucks of the building missing everywhere. You are required at this site now!

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' I'm so happy to be demand but these sugarballs have got me nailed down. I can't get past 'em. They're disgusting! And they're unhealthy!

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' Uh, did I mention there's a spectacularly beautiful lady in distress?

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' I'll be right there.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Alright. Showtime.

'''Woman:''' Aaaaah! No! Somebody help me!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Easy now, Miss. Just relax. No sudden movements. You're perfectly safe now. Sudden movements! Sudden movements! Wow! Check it out, kid! What a view, huh?! Manhattan! I love it!! Scooter, we need to go, let's roll.

'''Peter Venkman:''' It's okay. Dr. Venkman has you. You're fine now.

'''Ray Stantz:''' You didn't spill your coffee, did you Peter?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ray, I got coffee for all of us. But the little monster spilled it. And what's the story with those things, anyway?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' W...was that a Manifestation of Gozer?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Uh. Yeah, probably. It just may be. Could be. Would you like to take the most direct route outta here or the scenic route? It's lady choice.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' There's a stairwell over here. Let's go!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Whew! Yeah, grace under pressure. I appreciate in that lady.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Okay, slugger. Let's you and me do this quick and quiet. Before tubby soft-squeeze out there figures out what we're up to.

'''Peter Venkman:''' I think tubby soft-squeeze has dog ears, Ray! We go up then. To the roof!

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Aaaaah!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, hello there.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Stay Puft spotted us! Move! Move! Not much longer, cadet! That way!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, that' some relief.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Stay back! Oh no!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' I don't mean to alarm you, but we lost sight of Stay Puft.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Strong signal! Get its attention! That's how you do it! Great job, you guys! Ha! Free s'mores for everybody, from 54th street to 5th Avenue! Happy Thanksgiving!

''[After Ray, the Rookie, and Peter knock off The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the building they're on]''

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[looking down the building]'' There he goes, let's see if he comes all the way down to- Oh! not quite, didn't make it. ''[turns to Ray]'' Hey Ray, say 3 guys, the size of your finger, knocked you off the side of a 30-story building and you had to climb all the way back up to tear them apart, how mad would you be at those 3 little dinky types?

'''Ray Stantz:''' I'd go with mighty pissed. Oh, and throw in a sugar high too.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' that giant blue and white toy, man, thing, is still coming! it's climbing the building!

'''Peter Venkman:''' I'm impressed with his agility, considering his complete lack of bones.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Peter's communicator]'' Peter, we got the Super Slammer on pulse, Ecto-1 is rolling, we're re-positioning now, can you hold the Stay Puft here for just a few minutes?

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' If by few, you mean less-than-one, than sure, we can do that.

''[Stay Puft's climbing causes a brief shake on the rooftop, which causes the Rookie to stumble and fall off the rooftop, only for Ray the grab his belt.]''

'''Peter Venkman:''' hey, did somebody tell you it was break time?

'''Ray Stantz:''' no sweat, kid! we got you!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, as long as you're down here, can you see if you can knock off Mr. Sweetness?

'''Ray Stantz:''' All right there, sunshine. Are you okay? You're all strapped in, we've got a good tight grip on your belt! Here he comes! The Big Daddy manifestation himself! A raging blob of densely packed marshmallow! Woah boy! Melt him, chief! Give him full stream!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from rookies communicator]'' He's right, rookie. Your health insurance doesn't begin for another 89 days.

'''Ray Stantz:''' More of those minis. How many he can regenerate?

'''Peter Venkman:''' From two hundred thousand square feet of solid marshmallow? Mm-hmm. Probably sixty. Is that his upset look? What do you think, Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' We've got him on the ropes, whapster! Last the one so we can go home!

'''Peter Venkman:''' You've killed my dessert!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Scoreboard reads: Ghostbusters: two! Gozer the Gozerian: zero! Lookin' like a real big-leaguer out there, champ!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Ray, Peter. We're in position, the trap is set. We are prepared to capture Stay Puft. Where is he?

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' He's that white puddle you're driving through.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[speaking into communicator]'' Timing's off by just a hair, Egon. But we're glad the trap is working again.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' I guess I owe you guys my life.

'''Egon Spengler:''' She's clean.

'''Ray Stantz:''' How do you feel?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Pretty good, all extremely weird things considered.

'''Peter Venkman:''' So far, just another screwed up day at the office. You know, I never forget a face attached to all the rest of that. I think we met earlier at the Sedgewick Hotel. You gave me the sideshow chickendrop.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' My name's Ilyssa. Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn. And...

'''Peter Venkman:''' I am DR. Peter Venkman. And that's uh Egon, Ray, Winston and uh you met him.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Uh huh. The Ghostbusters.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Have you ever been involved in this type of quantum temporal rift event before?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' A quantum what?

'''Ray Stantz:''' It's called 'arcing'; a large pulse of psychic energy.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Actually, yes. I was at the museum... a pulse of blue light surged through the building... and then I was standing outside a room on the thirteenth-floor of an old hotel.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' The Sedgewick.

'''Ray Stantz:''' The Sedgewick doesn't have a thirteenth-floor.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' It was pulling me, like a magnet. I felt as though I was in a deep dream. I came to and ran over here.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Here?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' It's a temporary office when I'm in town. I came to do some research after I... woke up.

'''Egon Spengler:''' We'd like you to come to our lab so we can run some brief tests and ask you more questions.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Here's an easy one: would you like to go out for Thai, Mexican, Japanese?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Wow, Dr. Venkman. That time you almost went 45 seconds without something abrasive. Wanna try for a whole minute next time?

'''Peter Venkman:''' A doctor. And fiery one too! Charming. So charming.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Ghostbusters, what do you want? We can schedule a visit, umm...next Thursday? Sometime between 8 A.M. and 4 P.M.? I'm afraid that's the soonest opening we have. Alright, I've got you down for then. Oh it won't be necessary to call before they arrive. Believe me, you'll know it. That'll be fine. Goodbye.

'''Vigo:''' Another thousand failures and I'll have enough negative energy to return to the world of the living. HAhahaha! Prepare yourselves for the inevitable. That was almost as painful as being stabbed and pulled apart...ermmmmm, but perhaps not. Hello, Ghostbusters. Mmm, mm-hmm. No, we do not advise that you attempt to perform a Peruvian type-5 exorcism on yourself! Mm-hmm. But listen, listen, once you've tied yourself to the chair, it's very difficult to do that to the cat even if you could catch it.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' So, you know so much about Gozer because...?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Because I'm a specialist in ancient Mesopotamian cultures and architecture. Sumerian, primarily. Gozerian, more specially. I'm here as a guest curator for the Gozerian exhibit that's opening tomorrow at the Natural History Museum.

'''Egon Spengler:''' You are aware that we also have some... history with Gozer.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Yes, of course.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Gozer was a bush-leaguer before he met us. A strictly firm-team deity! We put him on the map!

'''Peter Venkman:''' But our getting stiffed on invites to opening night...just an oversight, right?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' I don't have anything to do with that.

''[Walter Peck arrives]''

'''Walter Peck:''' That, gentlemen, was all me! And I can assure you, it was not an oversight!

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Oh, by the way, you have visitors.

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Thanks, Janine. You're a first class lookout. Walter Peck. I did not recognize you without the Mayor's backside attached to your nose.

''[Mayor Jock Mulligan arrives]''

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Okay... everybody put 'em back in their skivvies! ''[Laughs]'' Apologies, eh, Dr. Selwyn. Are you alright?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' I think so, but...I'm worried about the exhibit.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Are you kidding?! You can't buy publicity like this! The guest curator of the Gozer Exhibit...the expert Peck commended...is attacked the night before the opening by Gozer himself?! Please...tell me that was Gozer!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Gozer manifested in a familiar form; one he had used before: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But this event was weaker than his first encounter with us.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Ha! That's all I need. Thanks!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Come on, Jock, what's the idea bringing ... ''[Coughs]'' ...preck around here? Oh, have I coughed at the wrong time?

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Listen. Here's the deal. You and Peck all you guys are going to work together.

'''Peter Venkman:''' What?!

'''Ray Stantz:''' No way, no how...

'''Egon Spengler:''' Impossible.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Look. This city has given you at least a dozen contracts for the jails, courthouses and wharves. You guys want to grow your business. Get some county and state work too. I'm all for it. You've been big supporters, and great for my campaign.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Well some have said our endorsement is what you got elected.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' But not out loud. Anyway, after all the damage you've been causing lately, the city council wants you under close supervision for a period of no less than six months!

'''Peter Venkman:''' We file reports on time. There's no need for extra supervision.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Ha, ha, ha! Funny guy, Venkman! You're always been my favorite. Well, that's where your old friend Peck come in. He's annoying, a sticker for the rules. In other words, the perfect &quot;Peck&quot; for the job. He's our new head of P-COC!

'''Ray Stantz:''' P-COC?

'''Walter Peck:''' P-C-O-C: Paranormal Contracts Oversight Commission. And my fist official act is going to be suspending you clown's operating license.

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' Lighten up, Peck. Launch your investigation if you have to but for now, just keep them under control and my office in the loop. But remember, if the Ghostbusters cease to exist, so does your job. So you need each other. Beautiful, in an ironic symmetrical kind of way, isn't it?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Hey, Mulligan. Come on...

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' It's Mayor Mulligan to you, Venkman. So, we have an understanding? This kind of protects us all. You want more government business, I want to keep my approval rating, and Peck wants his fiefdom. You play by the rules. Easy, we all get what we want and the city council gets what they needed. Okay, big night tomorrow, Ilyssa! Get some rest!

''[Mayor Jock Mulligan walks away]''

'''Ray Stantz:''' So! Now that we're all friends, can we get invites to the Museum opening?

'''Walter Peck:''' Not likely. But I'll be seeing you soon. You can count on that.

''[Walter Peck walks away]''

'''Peter Venkman:''' Doesn't Pack look exactly look like the kind of guy would &quot;accidentally&quot; walk into the stream of a boson collidor? I'm just saying...it could happen.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Ghostbusters. Oh, hi. Are you serious, they did? Brent and Donna? He did?! Ugh, with Dylan right there?! What did Steve say? ''[Gasps]'' You're kidding! Ugh, I know. I know. The little tramp. Right. Right... I don't think so. Mmm, mm-hmm. Alright. Goodbye.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Ray and I have been talking...

'''Ray Stantz:''' ...and we think we should have a look at the museum. Whatever happened tonight, it started there.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Okay. I'll take one for the team and stay with Ilyssa. You guys go with Winston and the Recruit. I'll be her personal protection.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' What about Peck? He's supposed to be informed of everything we do.

'''Ray Stantz:''' What he doesn't know can't hurt us.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' ''[On Radio]'' Hey Guys, you need to make a detour. Something big is going down. It's on 1010 WINS now.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Tune it in.

'''Radio Announcer:''' ...and another ghostly sighting has staff at the New York Public Library scrambling for answers.

'''Egon Spengler:''' The Gray Lady.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Let's get her for real this time ...go!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Well, what about the Museum?

'''Ray Stantz:''' It's been here for a hundred and four years. Where's it gonna go today?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Uh, this thing you guys have for the Gray Lady borders on the weird. You know that, right?

'''Ray Stantz:''' She made us look like schmucks. Not this time.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' ''[On Radio]'' Oh, and another thing, Peck called and says that I'm required to tell him where you are and what you are up to.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Tell him he can meet us at the Museum. We'll be there... eventually. Big crowd. Venkman would love this.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Captain McMahon from the 12th says there was a massive disturbance. Real fireworks show.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Not much going on now.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Maybe. But didn't there used to be two lions out here?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Check for valences.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Hmm...interesting. Ray, take a look at this.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Wow! Big spikes! Hey, cadet. You need to see this.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Stand back!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Look out! There they go! Whoa! Double full torso animators! C'mon! After them!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' You heard Stantz! Let's move.

'''Egon Spengler:''' There they are!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Couple of Class-five Animators. Never seen them in tandem like that! They're really agitated!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Switching on the packs.

'''Ray Stantz:''' All right...take it easy, now.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Hey! He said 'take it easy!' That's not 'easy'. Missed! Damn!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Sorry, Z.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' How about a little warming next time, fellas!?

'''Egon Spengler:''' That one's a beast, Ray. Let's chase him down. Winston, check the next doorway. See if he has any friends.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Leave a haunted room? I got no problem with that.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey, cadet. To use the Shock Blaster, it's best to get up fairly close. Its effect is powerful, but dissipate quickly over distance.

'''Egon Spengler:''' And be careful, it's a prototype. We're trusting you with it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' The Stasis Stream will temporarily slow down paranormal entities. If you train the stream on the target long enough, you can actually stop it entirely!

'''Egon Spengler:''' This is how you use it.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Cool! A freeze ray!

'''Ray Stantz:''' A stasis stream. This has nothing to do with cold. But the effect is similar.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' When do you have the time to work on all this stuff, Egon?

'''Egon Spengler:''' I've been conducting an experiment in which I sleep an average fourteen minutes a day. Leaves me a lot of time to work.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Great! Ready to roll. Hey, Hoss. You think can handle that little fella yourself? We'll meet you back here. Stay alert. Keep your PKE Meter up. Animators can hide in anything. Look! It's the cadet!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Strong emanations. No direct source, though.

'''Ray Stantz:''' We followed our guy in here and gave us the slip.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Detecting a very strong anomaly here...

'''Ray Stantz:''' Uh-oh. Here comes something big! Egon! Did I mention what a good idea you had to come up on the balcony? It's losing strength! Keep tearing it down!

'''Egon Spengler:''' All its power is emitting from a single focal object!

'''Ray Stantz:''' There its focal point! Capture it! Wrangle it away! Man. How much PK energy must it take to collect and animate an entity like that?

'''Egon Spengler:''' A lot. A lot of very angry energy.

'''Ray Stantz:''' How easy was that?

'''Egon Spengler''': Wait. Not so fast. I'm getting some big fluxes here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' I think it's her. Yes...yes. It is her! Elanor Twitty, The Librarian!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Look! There she is! Meet us at the stairway door!

'''Ray Stantz:''' She went down that way!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Winston, check upstairs to see if the other Phantom doubled back.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Roger.

'''Ray Stantz:''' She shushed us again. That witch!

'''Egon Spengler:''' PKE's out. And try to be quiet.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh wow! A full stabilizing levitation! I'd say we're close to something.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Ray...

'''Ray Stantz:''' You got something?

'''Egon Spengler:''' I've got something. Right... here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Kid, check that out. 

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yaahhh! 

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ooooh! She keeps shushing us! That's her! The Gray Lady! She's the first ghost we ever hunted. Man, I wish Venkman was here.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I'm pretty sure Venkman doesn't.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Easy now...she's real skittish.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Damn! Lost it!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Let's go! We'll cut her off!

'''Egon Spengler:''' These readings are off the charts! Now I'll have to make new charts.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Wow! Now listen. This place is reading like a psychic pressure cooker. Prime your thrower. Everybody stick close together. What was that?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Here! This way! Quick!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Okay, so much for 'stick together' - new plan is 'fan out.'

'''Egon Spengler:''' Flexible approach, Ray.

'''Ray Stantz:''' There are two hostile spirits roaming around in here.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Two that we know about.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Now I got ya. What?! Oh no! Look out! It's coming your way!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Guys, I'm the periodical archives looking a stack of old newspaper clippings... All about some nut named Edmund Hoover, AKA 'The Collector.'

'''Egon Spengler:''' Hmm...go on.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' The dude has a history you should know about. He was a rare book collector seduced Eleanor Twitty, the head librarian of this place.

'''Ray Stantz:''' The Gray Lady?!

'''Egon Spengler:''' That would be my guess.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Okay, guys, it's dead up here. The good kind, I mean. You all cool?

'''Egon Spengler:''' We may need to get back to you on that.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey, Kid. What's your 20? I'm in some kind of a dark tunnel, moving fast... towards a bright light. Oof! Class I Swarmers! Pesky out combustable! Now where's that Class-Five Animator? I tracked the slug here! There's the Big Fish! See what he did?! Give him a new home - in our containment facility! Phew. Good work. That took some doin'.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Congratulations, Ray, uh... but I'm near Special Collections. Someone you've been wanting to meet again is here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' We're on our way! Keep an eye on the twitchy ones: they'll really crease ya if you aren't careful. Keep moving, sport. Roast 'em! We sure don't wanna be trapped in here. Looks like the Gray Lady makes her own reinforcements. Keep your eyes open, team. She's upping the ante.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Thanks for the warning, Ray. But I have no idea of what you're talking about.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' You may wanna just take the word for it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' There she is...quiet, now...let's get a solid scan...

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' I missed that, Ray! Please repeat!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Enough with the shushing! Well, at least we're getting closer.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Could not hear a word of that, Ray!...Ray?!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Gives you the creeps, huh? Okay, good job. Come on, kid. We need to get out of here. Come on, kid. Ah Winston, where the heck are you?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' In the periodical section checking the box score from the Knicks game last night. Why?

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Tell us more about this &quot;Collector&quot;, Winston.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Says here that this Collector used the Gray Lady to get to the rare books in her care - specifically a book called, get this, the Gozerian Codex.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Great!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Yeah. And when she found out what he was up to, she dumped him.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Smart lady.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Not really. Evidently he murdered her for it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Uh-oh.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' The Gray Lady was his first victim, but he killed a bunch more.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' And let me guess, he collected their bodies, just like he collected books?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Bingo. Ray, you get to buy me dinner. And here's the last on The Collector. Seconds before he was hanged, he said he would return as Azetlor, some sort of god, to keep watch over the library and every rare book in its collection.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Winston's communicator]'' Sounds like quite the bookwarm.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Sounds like the kind we run into all the time.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Okay, I'm not saying that's a bad sign: but it sure isn't a good one. Jeez! That'll only hurt for a minute. You hear that? It's around here someplace. Uh-huh, somebody's in here. It's...children! What are they saying? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Oh boy, we're not alone. Oof! Ugh, I gotta be more careful! You alright? I think they're trying to tell us something. What else did Hoover Collect? You got that right, scooter. Here's the place. Special Collections. These rooms are packed with rare &amp; valuable volumes! Shh...almost... Oh, boy. Looks like they're throwing the whole science fiction section at us. Can't blast through the shields!! Their shields! Use the Capture Stream on their shields! Wrangle their shields! Remember how you were saying print was dead?

'''Egon Spengler:''' I wish.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Now where'd she go?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Valences up. She definitely left a trace somewhere... Big spike! Riiiiight...here!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yeah! Check this out! I feel a breeze...oh, cool! Secret passages! These are great! I didn't even know this area existed.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Looks like the janitors didn't, either. For the last eighty years, anyway. What ARE those? I don't recognize them from Tobin's.

'''Ray Stantz:''' No, they're in the Revised Catalog. I think the Gray Lady is constructing them from the books and minor spirits here. She may be more powerful than we thought. Take a look at this place! I could spend a month taking inventory of these books!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Let's be careful what we wish for down here. Ray.

'''Ray Stantz:''' We should tell Winston to get down here. We could probably use his help.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I've been trying to raise him. There's too much interference. Ray, I'm not entirely convinced this is the best course of action.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey! I'll bet this is a trap!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Welcome back, Ray. I'm having serious doubts about the structural integrity of this sub-basement.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Moving!

'''Egon Spengler:''' I'm telling you this sub-structure is unstable! The ceiling could come down on top of us!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Our lobe-probe experiment is working! you're clairvoyant!

'''Egon Spengler:''' No, I saw the support columns buckle.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Creepy.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Those beams are wedged solid.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Good place for the capture stream.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Alright, wrangle that out of the way! That's excellent! Wonder what's down there? Something big. And, more than likely, terrifying.

'''Ray Stantz:''' That way. It's really dark down there! Damp, too.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Wonderful. Hope you don't have any open cuts. I'm thinking of flesh eating bacteria.

'''Ray Stantz:''' That's an electric lock on the door.

'''Egon Spengler:''' See if you can find the power.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Great! The Recruit found it! Uh. I wonder if it's a good idea to be standing in a foot and a half of water...

'''Egon Spengler:''' That didn't last long. I can't say I'm a big fan of the Level 6 Bi-Dimensional Attractor.

'''Ray Stantz:''' I'm with you on that. We're lucky there were only some old books for it to manifest with.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Recruit, you okay? Let's keep moving.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Um...

'''Egon Spengler:''' This is cherry. Nice place. Nothing bad could ever happen in here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' There she is! Flank her! She's got nowhere to run! Except through the gate.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I'm not clear on how the flanking was supposed to work.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh boy. Burning coal. Two of them this time!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yeah nice Ray! Tell us again how lucky we are?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Phew. We've got to bag the Gray Lady before this gets really dangerous.

'''Egon Spengler:''' We may have missed that window, Ray.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Well, we can't follow her through the grate. Is there another way? Whatcha find there, Youngblood? Good work! Spengler, the kid found the exit.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I added something new to the pack. This is the PDS: Plasm Distribution System. Basically, it's slime blower, Mark II, heavily modified from the earlier version. Your plasm banks are now integrated into the Proton pack. It uses a base culture of ectoplasm that can impair entites, cause caustic Black Slime to go intert, and reveal otherwise invisible ethereal structures that reside on this plane.

'''Ray Stantz:''' To use the Slime Blower, just point and squirt. It'll help you neutralize any active patches of Black Slime. It'll close any portals they're opening, too. See! Neutronized Slime.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Our own private shortcut to hell. That's convenient.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Eerie place. I wonder if this is where the Collector killed The Librarian?

'''Egon Spengler:''' I think that would be a safe assumption. That book she's reading is emitting massive energy.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ah, that's your cue, Killer. Go get 'em.

'''Egon Spengler:''' She took that pretty well; better than I expected.

'''Ray Stantz:''' It makes perfect sense if her residual spirit energy is tied to the book. The Gozerian Codex, right? Now that we have it, her echo must have been released. She's gone. I think we helped her cross over.

'''Egon Spengler:''' And she just crossed right back.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh, no.

'''Egon Spengler:''' The book stands are generating her shield.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Buddy, the podiums - soak 'em! Soak 'em! She is shielding herself with the Codices, go after those first!

'''Egon Spengler:''' That's it! She can't regenerate the cage! Keep hitting the book stands! The book stands are generating her shield.

'''Ray Stantz:''' That does it! Now let's attack the Librarian straight on! Throw a capture stream on her!

'''Egon Spengler:''' That's good! Throw out the trap!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Weird. That wasn't as tough as it should have been.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I was just thinking the same way.

'''Ray Stantz:''' It was almost too easy...like she wants us to have the Codex...

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yes, like she wanted us to blast this room apart.

'''Ray Stantz:''' But why? Cross-dimensional portal. From the fifth to the fourth. A whole world of ghosts. Something I've dreamt about since College. It's all in the Monarchia Daemonum. Fantastic! Ghostworld.

'''Egon Spengler:''' I wouldn't get too excited, Ray. I have a feeling she did it so we could meet an old friend of hers.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Well, if we're going...

'''Egon Spengler:''' Not much choice, is there? It's the only way out. You. Take the lead. Don't worry, we do this all the time.

'''Ray Stantz:''' OH NO, LOOK OUT!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Hm. So this is what the Public Library looks like on the far side of a cross-dimensional portal.

'''Ray Stantz:''' It's one of infinite potential configurations. You know ...theoretically.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yes, well this looks the Gozerian configuration.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Watch out! Black slime! Come on! Let's go! Alright, keep your head down and keep hitting these portals! One of them has gotta lead out!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Eh, the scientific method, Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ahhhh! Well that was embarrassing. Looks like a good place for Slime Tether. To stretch a Slime Tether, point and launch the first anchor, then point and shoot the second. The launched slime tether will then contract. The more tethers you attach to a point, the stronger the resulting reaction. Since their ectoplasmic charge has a short half-life, tethers will grow brittle over time and then break. Blast an existing tether with any other equipment type to destroy it. Come on, John Henry. Put your back into it. Ah, yeah! You're on fire, cadet!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Ray, it occurs to me that these events are interrelated.

'''Ray Stantz:''' The Gozerian Exhibit, the huge energy pulse, the Sedgewick Hotel, the return of the Stay Puft... yeah...

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Yes, even this. All pointing back to a single point of origin.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ilysa?

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Ilysa.

'''Ray Stantz:''' You think she's a factor in this?

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Ray's communicator]'' Maybe not intentionally, but almost definitely.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Rookie! Are you still there? Watch out! The mirrors aren't what they seem... Nope... nope... not that one. I got a better idea. This one!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' The pattern is starting to make sense. I think I'm close to finding the exit.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rrookie's communicator]'' Oh-oh! I've got boogeys. Heads up, boys - wherever you are. Huh. Totally inverted.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rrookie's communicator]'' Okay, I'm through!

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Send a signal we can track you with.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' I'll try but it might not work! The last portal I entered was at the top of a long flight of steps.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Made it out, too. Hey, champ, we eon't leave until you find us.

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Look for the long staircase. The exit portal is at the very top.

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Keep movin, Sport. We sure don't wanna be trapped in here.

'''Azeltor:''' ''[off-screen]'' Nowumba AZELTOR machachan!

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Did you hear that?

'''Ray Stantz:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' Wonder if that's the Collector we're looking for?

'''Egon Spengler:''' ''[heard from Rookie's communicator]'' I think he goes by 'Azeltor' now.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey, cadet! Are you okay? Sounds like it's getting closer! I do like what they've done with the place here - but I hoped that portal would have taken us back to the Library.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Actually, we are back in the Public Library. The dimensional membrane must be extremely thin here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Someone's holding us here. The Collector.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yes, Azeltor wants to add to his collection. And he's probably not too happy about us taking the Gozerian Codex with us.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh, yeah? What can a twisted little bookworm do to scare us?

'''Egon Spengler:''' He murdered Eleanor Twitty for it when he was alive. And a dozen others just to cover it up.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey, Collector! We're taking your book! Whaddya think about THAT?! Uh, he's right behind me, isn't he?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Yes, I think you got his attention, Ray.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ho boy. He's resisting my proton stream!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Look! His face is protected by Black Slime!

'''Ray Stantz:''' That must be the key! Hey, Junior, switch out your nozzle and hose him down!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Neutronize the Black Slime on his mask!

'''Ray Stantz:''' We need to clear that slime of his mask! Use the slime blower, Rook!

'''Egon Spengler:''' His shield is too strong! Go for the mask! Clear the slime off his mask!

'''Ray Stantz:''' It's clear!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Rip his mask off, it looks vulnerable!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yeah, that did it!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Oh no, I think we just exposed his eye his angry side.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Bring him down all the way... Keep shooting him in the eye if you can, he's got nothing to resist the proton stream! He's out of control! Blast him in the eye, Rook, I think it's working!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Hit him in the eye, we've almost got him!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Collect some of this, Jerk!

'''Egon Spengler:''' Don't question it, Rook! Just blast the glowly part.

'''Ray Stantz:''' There it goes,! Bye, Azeltor!

'''Egon Spengler:''' We need to get out of here!

'''Ray Stantz:''' There's a new portal back here! C'mon rook that's gotta be the way out.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Guys...? ''[Statics]'' Where are you guys? What the hell were you guys?! I've been runnin' all over this library, calling you, looking for you ...nothing!

'''Egon Spengler:''' We passed through a cross-dimensional portal into an alternate version of the New York Public Library, and fought a factory a forty foot monster made out of priceless antiques to steal an ancient magical book.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Oh...well...that would explain it, then. Next time leave a note.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Ray, does this means anything to you?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Nope, it wasn't here the first time we came through.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' What is it?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Not entirely sure. But whatever it is, I think we just turned it off.

'''Ray Stantz:''' You thinking what I'm thinking?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Thin crust New York style with no visible anchovies?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Maybe later. Right now I need to go back to the lab and take a look at this Codex.

'''Egon Spengler:''' And analyze the data we've collected. It could help us we got to the museum.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Slice to go on the way? Rookie's treat?

'''Ray Stantz:''' And we need to know what's this is.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' I'll call for delivery. Again.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Hello, Ghostbusters. Yes. I don't think so. No. It didn't just stop working and it doesn't just need toner! It literally exploded...after it screamed obscenities at me. No, I don't think the nature of our business has anything at all to do with whether or not you honor your product's warranty. Uh huh. So what you're telling me is that none of your other copiers that you've sold throughout the entire world have screamed and exploded before breaking down? Uh huh. Sir, I have to tell you that I find that very hard to believe. They are willing to believe you...but I wasn't born yesterday. No. Goodbye.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Well, it's a great read. But, nothing about that.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' I know that symbol.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Huh?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' It show’s up sometimes. In sumerian mutal magic. There's a statue on them in the museum that features it.

'''Ray Stantz:''' What does it represent?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Just a symbol. Signifies the path to obtain great power. Most of my colleagues assumed that it was just an old constellation.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' No constellation I ever saw. And I used to tell fortunes on Coney Island.

''[Peter Venkman arrives]''

'''Peter Venkman:''' Is that right? Did you wear a turbert?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' No, man. A red barber cape with moons. It was plush.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Get this. The Codex does indicate there was some kind of feeder system required. To channel energy to a destructor form.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' A destructor form. Like Stay Puft?

'''Egon Spengler:''' It's entirely possible that system in this pattern are connected.

'''Ray Stantz:''' That's possible.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Wait. You said the Gozerian Statue at the museum is on loan. From who?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Ivo shandor the Architect. Well The Shandor Foundation. They control Ivo Shandor’s remaining estate and holdings. Ivo was a big collector of Gozerian artifacts.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' By Ivo Shandor, the architect, you mean Ivo Shandor, the genocidal maniac, right?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Swlwyn:''' That's what I was researching when Gozer attacked me. Shandor's architecture firm was involved in a number of projects around town in the late 18 and early 1900s.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Including Dana Barrett’s old Builing on Central Park West.

'''Peter Venkman:''' You mean the one with the extra-dimensional antenna that drew Gozer to our world so he could attempt to destroy it? Had a nice view of the park though.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Yes. But, he also did renovations on existing buildings and a number of public works. There was controversy. Because, a lot of people thought the work was unnecessary.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Let me guess. He did some renovations on the public library building on fifth?

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Right. And The Museum of Natural History.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Recentvations. Specific Localized Paranormal Activity. Singing Vikings?

'''Egon Spengler:''' Their all connected to Shandor and this pattern.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' We should warn the Mayor.

'''Ray Stantz:''' I don't know he's likely to just sic Peck on us even more.

'''Egon Spengler:''' We should get a closer look at the museum.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Well, The Mayor's gonna be at the museum for the Exhibition Opening Gala tonight. It's where I need to be too.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ilyssa, you sure make work a friend for me. It's business casual, okay? I don't have a tux.

'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn:''' Are you kidding? He doesn't want you guys within three city blocks of the museum tonight. He thinks you make his campaign contributors nervous. Besides, that Peck guy will be at the party too.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Okay, Egon, I'll stay here and finishing analyzing the data from the library. The rest of us will go in by the service entrance of the museum and lay low.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Peter can attend the party as Ilysa’s guest and stay in plain sight of Peck.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' And that frees us up to check out the rest of the building.

'''Peter Venkman:''' I love this plan. It's just dull enough to work. Il, I'm gonna bring you a crusache.

''[Heading down to ECTO-1 to go investigate the Museum]''

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Egon, our new boss, called again.

'''Egon Spengler:''' Please don’t call him that, just Peck. That’s bad enough.

'''Janine Melnitz:''' Peck called again. He’s not happy. He says if you guys fire just one more unauthorized proton stream, he’ll shut us down for good.

''[After arriving at the Museum]''

'''Ray Stantz:''' Yes, we just arrived at the loading dock. Keep Peck distracted; we're going to poke around.

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[Heard from Ray’s communicator]'' Okay, I'll take one for the team.

'''Ray Stantz:''' No sign of the curator; Ilyssa told me he would meet us right here.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Something wanted out of this box in a big way.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Watch out. Black slime. Unchecked it can eventually open a full inter-dimensional portal, an open doorway... and anything that wants to can come through. If a full portal has been opened, it has to be sealed using your Slime Blower. That's the key reason we developed that tech.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Good work, Eagle-Eye. Look at this. Something's trailed packing material down the hall here.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Packing material and slime.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Was it a possessor?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Maybe. Looked like a Level 7 or above, too.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Didn't we used to fight class two's and three's every now and then? What happened to them? They were easy.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Ahh, the good old days. I'm more worried that she'll stir things up around here. I except we'll see her again sooner than we want to. Hello? Who's in there?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Somebody that wants out, is who.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hey, cadet! Get in here and clear this off please.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Be ready for anything. Possessors are tricky and powerful.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh, Dr. Rutherford. Uh, Z, meet the Assistant Curator of the Museum.

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' Is that horrible, terrible thing gone?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Yeah, she's gone. You good?

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' I, uh, yes I suppose so. I'm a big fan. I even had you over for my daughter's birthday a couple years ago.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Is that so? Well, I think we can get you a sticker or button or mug or T-Shirt or something when we're done here.

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' Oh, that would be wonderful. Follow me... we'll go through the restoration department. There it is again! Don't let it get me!

'''Ray Stantz:''' Don't you worry. She'll have to go through me first. ''[Possessed]'' Mwa ta natch calla worn ormon!!

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' Can you help him?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Hose him down, Youngblood!

'''Ray Stantz:''' I'm on your team.

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' Alright! You guys are really good!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Voila! That's fusion-based exorcism in a nutshell. Cleaner than somebody's head spinning all around and barfing pea soup.

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' ''[Referring to Ray being possessed]'' Will he be okay?

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' How you doin', Ray?

'''Ray Stantz:''' Hazza buzza. Hazza buzza? Bozza wazza shum.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Aw, he'll be fine in a second. After you.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Oh no. If this place is possessed by, uh, possessors, we'd better get to Peter fast. Venkman! We found the curator! We're on our way to the Gozer exhibit now!

'''Dr. Rutherford:''' Oh, there's so much to show you. Where to start? Things gasve been very strange since they started setting up that exhibit.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Well, hello there.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Dig it, Peter. Ray got possessed... again.

'''Ray Stantz:''' Awww, Z!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' &quot;You'll have to go through me first': that's exactly what he said!

'''Peter Venkman:''' ''[About Ray being possessed again]'' Just like a puppy...every day's the first day.

'''Walter Peck:''' No, No, NO! I want the Ghostbusters ejected from this facility immediately.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Where's his honor, Pecker? We've got news for him...and a photo-op.

'''Walter Peck:''' The Mayor is indisposed right now. Anything you need to tell him goes through me.

'''Peter Venkman:''' Not happening. Peck-a-bee. This is for Jock and Jock alone. We will wait for him to get redisposal.

'''Walter Peck:''' Security! Remove those men...with excessive force.

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' Uhhhh... Boys?

'''Peter Venkman:''' Why do the good ones always play hard to get?

'''Mayor Jock Mulligan:''' What in the hell is going on here?!

'''Winston Zeddemore:''' They got peck! More possessor ghosts! Kid, you know what to do!

'''Peter Venkman:''' Ray...

'''Ray Stantz:''' Well I know what not to do.

*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Party's over, folks! Clear the room! Ray, you stay in the back.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Hurts, doesn't it? Let it all out.
*'''Walter Peck''': I'll see you all on Rikers Island for this!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Whoa, take a break! Do you ever shut up?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': They're attacking the guests!
*'''Ray Stantz''': All right, you guys go after Ilyssa! Be careful. I'll get to Security.
*'''Peter Venkman''': I love this plan!
*'''Ray Stantz''': I'll man the security cameras to triangulate them on the monitors and talk you through.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': See you soon, Ray. Let's go, guys.
*'''Ray Stantz''': See you soon, guys. Dr. Rutherford? If you'll show me to security?
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Venkman! Get me down form here!
*'''Peter Venkman''': That's our cue.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I don't think that guy is planning to be nice to her!
*'''Peter Venkman''': It's a mannequin ambush!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Don't bother trying to capture them! Just blast 'em down to nothing!
*'''Peter Venkman''': That was nowhere near fatal. Let's make some noise.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hurry up! Before they get away! Take it to the bridge!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Did Winston just say, 'Take it to the bridge'? What are you guys doing down there?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Fewer funny jokes, more getting to the security cameras, please, Ray.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Oh, my god!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Aw, he got away! Get to the Temple! The glowing one! Ray, can you see where they went?
*'''Ray Stantz''': We haven't reached the security office yet! The place is really hopping!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah, that's a big 10-4.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hittie. Menonite. Phoenician. Babylonian. Assyrian.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Mesopotamian.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Sumerian.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ahh, he's making it all up.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Just one of those things. Ah, you pick this stuff up. You know, around the office.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Peter, come in.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hi honey. How was your day?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Peter's communicator) Men, we've reached the security office. This one is shambles! It's been sabotaged. Black slime all over the place. Only a few of the cameras are still working.
*'''Peter Venkman''': When you're free, no rush, open gate 3487. Just for kicks.
*(Possessor Ghosts attack over Radio)
*'''Ray Stantz''': Whoa! We're under attack! We'll get back to you!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ray, stay away from any possess...
*'''Ray Stantz (Possessed)''': KAZZA GORBA SMOTZ CHORZIG GLUMP! FROGA! FROGA!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Um, Dr. Rutherford? If you're still there, can you go catch Dr. Stantz, please?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Okay, I shook off that possessor. Found a different security room. Can't find Dr. Rutherford, though. I must've scared him off.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': You're not pretty when you're possessed, Ray... Seriously.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) I've got you on the cameras. You should be coming to the Civil War exhibit. Ilyssa just passed through there.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Okay, we're on it. Thanks. You know the difference between this exhibit and the other ones? The soldiers in this one have guns. Let's just pass through here as quick as we can, and... Yeah. I didn't really think we could do it, either. I was just thinking happy thoughts, is all.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) I'm getting heavy interference on the monitors. Are you guys in trouble?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Couldn't have been the American Revolutionary War, could it? Or the War of the Roses. Even the War on Drugs. It just had to be this one. Maybe they're just props, but those barrels are marked 'explosive'! Wish this trap had a window; it'd be just like a little Vicksburg snow globe. Let's see you guys fight it out inside that tiny little trap.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Yep. They took some casualties.
*'''Ray Stantz''': We made it to the security office. I can see you guys on the cameras. No sign of Ilyssa or her kidnappers though. In the early 1900's, the museum was run by a board of trustees. Powerful guys, tycoons, captain's of industry. The chairman of the board was Cornelius Wellsley of Internation Steel. The board used the museum as a respectable front of all kinds of dubious activities. Mainly though, they were part of a club run by our favorite evil architect. They hired women from the St. Nicholas Rehabilitation Mission for Wayward Angels. Rumor has it, the board conducted all kinds of nasty rituals using these women.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': We've gotta find that oozing tub of blubber! And Ilyssa! Well, here we are. The Egypt exhibit. I practically lived here while I was working on my doctorate! Hey folks, it's okay! Be calm. Everything's under control!
*'''Guy''': It's the Ghostbusters! Ghost!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Watch it now.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah, of course. The trap locks us in with the ghosts. Wouldn't it be nice to get locked out every now and then? Hey Ray, how do we get out of the Egypt exhibit? The main door is blocked up tight.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) The Egyptian main room? Check the West wall. There should be a door leading through to the next exhibit.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I'm looking right at the Wild Wall, and I don't see a door.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Well, I'm looking right at the blueprints, and uh... Oh, I get it. Clever. The ghosts used their own dimensionally anomalous signatures to slightly wrinkle the time-space continuum. The door is still there. What you're seeing is a fold in reality. The ghosts removed the door from this plane of existence.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ah I'm seeing in the paragoggles is a kind of glowing, purple aura. No door.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Well, this is an educated guess, but since the ghosts are gone their influence if fading. The anomaly should straighten itself out. Few hours, probably.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': A few hours? But I gotta...go.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Wish I could help ya, Z. But any analysis at this point is strictly theoretical.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Okay. But the biological situation I'm experiencing is not theoretical at all.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) Hm...I suppose, in theory mind you, positively charged slime could dissipate the wrinkle and restore everything to its...
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Just slime the damn thing! Good! Thank you very much! Now let's get the hell out of here.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Nyhaahh ha ha!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Winston's communicator) I think I just caught a glimpse of the chairman, too! Watch out for him, he looks like a nasty one!
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Venkman help!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Why do the good ones always play hard to get? Scooter? We need to go, let's roll.
*(Ray Stantz arrives)
*'''Ray Stantz''': Hey guys! Did you find Ilyssa? Where did that ghost go?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': You didn't see him? But he just came through here!
*'''Ray Stantz''': He must be headed back to the World of Gozer exhibit!
*'''Peter Venkman''': That's our cue. Mmmmmove it.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': What a nightmare.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Thank you. Not a words a rescuing hero wants to hear from his damsel in distress. May I say your eyes are much prettier when they're not glowing like hot coals.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Peter! I've made an extraordinary frightening discovery.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Why don't you all go away?
*'''Egon Spengler''': All my data indicate that the Ghostworld is beginning to push through multiple cross portals from their dimension into ours.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well, more overtime.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Guys! Look!
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Venkman help!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Now she calls my name! Winston! Get the lady outta here before he hits on her again!
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': Care to tell me why my library, museum and parade are all going down the toilet?!
*'''Walter Peck''': I'm telling you, sir, the Ghostbusters are nothing but scam artists determined to throw a negative light on you and the City... and extort you for money!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hello Peck. I own that suit in blue.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': Both of you! Pipe down!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Mr. Mayor, an enormous event is on the horizon.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Something at the Museum exhibit triggered a systemized psychic occurrence. Some mechanism we don't know the nature of yet.
*'''Walter Peck''': No. Of course you don't.
*'''Egon Spengler''': But it's feeding enormous energy somewhere.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Something that's now in the process of breaking down the walls between our world...and another one.
*'''Egon Spengler''': This other world is crossing through into ours. It started with simple ghosts and animated monsters.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Now it's getting bigger. We don't know exactly what's next. But there's only room for one city here in this dimension.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Two physical worlds can't exist in the same space. That's just elementary particle physics.
*'''Peter Venkman''': We got the glimpse of the other world, Jock. It ain't pretty. It's like Brooklyn and the Bronx with no Queens in the middle.
*'''Egon Spengler''': ...whole city blocks sinking into a fifth dimensional abyss!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Cockroaches the size of polo ponies.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Panic in the streets!
*'''Peter Venkman''': How'd you like disco to come back? Bigger than ever.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': I get it. We're in trouble. So what am I supposed to do?!
*'''Ray Stantz''': We need to prepare the city for the worst.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': The city's my responsibility, not yours! Now go do your job and stop that thing!
*'''Ray Stantz''': This way, gentlemen.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well, this looks inviting.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I'll be at the office watching over Ilyssa. Don't do anything fun without me.
*'''Ray Stantz''': It probably goes without saying, but this is very strange.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well, that is your conversation starter. What's strange?
*'''Egon Spengler''': This tunnel network. What could it possibly have been built for?
*'''Ray Stantz''': I was thinking the same thing.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well, it could just be an old stream tunnel.
*'''Ray Stantz''': No way, Peter. The design and values don't fit for moving stream, water, gas, electric, oil, trains, not even slime.
*'''Peter Venkman''': What about Morlocks?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Morlocks would hate this kind of ornamentation.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I don't recognize the alloy fabrication.
*'''Peter Venkman''': So it's not steam, it's not Morlocks. But there's plenty of ghosts.
*'''Egon Spengler''': You're right about that. There's more consistent, accelrated PKE blowing through here than I've ever seen. But is not the origin point. This is just a conduit.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Look the the trail! The Chairman went that way! He's running down this tunnel!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Does it feel...weird in to you guys? Like, familiar-weird?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Well, we knew which way to go for a while at least. There's got to be another way around this.
*'''Peter Venkman''': The trail leads to this sealed door, then stops.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Man, I do not want this jerkball to get away again! The new cadet's alright.
*'''Peter Venkman''': So far, not too shabby.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Egon. I think this is a good a time as any to install a new CPS. The Meson Collider is extremely precise and deals a lot of damage, but takes a while to recharge. The Overload Pulse disperses a rapid burst of meson particles. You can fire each of them independently: they both work great. But you can also use them in tandem. Paint a target using the Meson Collider. After you've acquired the target, all expulsions from the Overload Pulse will home in on that target. Oh my. So MUCH black slime.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Oh, it just seems like a lot because it's alive.
*'''Egon Spengler''': The column! It's flowing upwards!
*'''Ray Stantz''': If you see a big yellow eye in there, poke it with something!
*'''Egon Spengler''': No yellow eye, Ray!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Maybe it already went up there.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well. That doesn't sound good.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Is it my turn to lead? I don't want to jump in front.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Hello, Chairman. Ready to get what's coming to you?
*'''Walter Peck''': I've should shuttered you fraudulent gangster forever when I had the chance! You know what? I'm going to put an end to this madness now! Right now! I'm shutting down your containment grid for good! You can kiss off a permanent licence, not to mention any chance for more government contracts! You did this to me, and you're going to pay!
*'''Ray Stantz''': You're welcome, you Peck.
*'''Walter Peck''': Alright! That's it! That's it, you're done, smart guys! You are done, smart, cool guys! I have the authority and I am shutting you and your phony containment grid down NOW! The whole city will have to pay because of your shenanigans. The whole city!
*'''Peter Venkman''': What? But that shuts you down, too.
*'''Walter Peck''': Well, so be it! I have bigger fish to fry. And get him off me!
*'''Egon Spengler''': I think we need to keep an eye on him.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Ya think?
*'''Egon Spengler''': No, I mean, really need to keep an eye on him.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': You're real heroes.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Kinda routine. As usual, I led the charge.
*'''Ray Stantz''': We're fired heroes. Peck's gonna pull our license.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Get real, Ray. It's the holidays! Nobody in this town is gonna be around to pull our license til Monday. We got the whole weekend to stop this calamity and probably half a dozen others, save the city. We got a four day weekend! We have time left ourselves.
*'''Janine Melnitz''': Dr. Venkman if they start evacuating. Manhattan I won't be coming in on Monday. Catastrophic exodus of the city does not count as a floating holiday. I know, I looked it up. (On Phone) Hello. Mmm, mm-hmm. Oh you don't know the half of it. They have been racing in and out of here since that shockwave hit. How would I know? I'm just here trying to keep the lights on. Sure, I can ask what's going on but then they might actually tell me. What? Yeah I'd say it's pretty big. That shnook from the city isn't helping ease the tension either. Anyway. Going away for Thanksgiving might be on hold until things settle down...yeah, I know. But, we have to roll the Ghostbusters' way. Don't ask. Alright. Goodbye.
*'''Ray Stantz''': What does this symbol mean?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Uh, guys... Perfect fit.
*'''Ray Stantz''': It's not a constellation. It's a mandala.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': I can't believe I never saw it before.
*'''Peter Venkman''': OK, for one minute pretend someone here doesn't know what a Mandala is.
*'''Egon Spengler''': A mandala is like a spiritual labyrinth.
*'''Ray Stantz''': And this one looks like a spiraling system that feeds into each successive node along the line until it reaches a culmination point. Before he died, Shandor must have set some mechanism in place similar to the antenna in Dana's building.
*'''Peter Venkman''': You know, I think you helped to make that clearer. So this was the gizmo that's supposed to feed energy to the destructor form?
*'''Ray Stantz''': That's...that's right, Peter.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Well! Dr. Venkman!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well I had to get one right eventually. Didn't I? I mean, it's just math.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Alright, I'm just speculating but it's possible Ghosts are trapped in the system, funneled from node to node, and they get stronger and stronger, until they reach the end, and then they...
*'''Ray Stantz''': Look! The first portal...the library. The second...the museum. And the third...Sedgewick.
*'''Egon Spengler''': And that means the fourth portal must be...right...here.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The middle of the Hudson River?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Well, according to the mandala, yes.
*'''Egon Spengler''': It may need a little tweaking.
*'''Peter Venkman''': I don't know, plenty of bodies in that river to become ghosts.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': But what does this have to do with me? What did I do?
*'''Ray Stantz''': You were at the museum and the Sedgewick.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Maybe you were some sort of catalyst... accidentally setting things in motion.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': You're saying this is my fault?
*'''Peter Venkman''': You are blameless! What Egon meant to say was that you have some sort to connection and find out what. Isn't that brianiac?
*'''Egon Spengler''': That's right, Peter.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Ilyssa, do you remember where you were going when you were at the Sedgewick?
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': I was just standing outside a room... 1221. Something was compelling me to go in, but I woke up just before the door opened. I ran out there as fast as I could. And then some jerk tried to pick me up on the elevator.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Okay, you need to stay here, where it's safe, and where you can't set off any more crossdimensional shockwaves, hot stuff. Here, read up on the mandala, and the boys will check out the Sedgewick.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The boys? And what about you, superstar?
*'''Peter Venkman''': I'm gonna have you drop me off near Peck's office. Something tells me he's not quite what he seems.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Good idea. Meet us at the hotel when you're done.
*'''Vigo''': Have you savored the exquisite anguish to tortured souls? Salty... You'll be squirming soon enough. Enough! Pay tribute to Lord Vigo, peasant. You win this round, Ghostbusters. That was almost a painful as being stabbed and pulled apart...ermmmmm, but perhaps not.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Whoa. If this place were any more dead, we'd need a coroner.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Egon used to be licensed coroner.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': No kidding?
*'''Egon Spengler''': It's just a hobby now.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Closed until further notice by the Paranormal Contracts Oversight Commission.
*'''Ray Stantz''': PCOC!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Entrance into this establishment is strictly forbidden and is punishable by fine and imprisonment.
*'''Egon Spengler''': What now? Hmm.
*'''Ray Stantz''': This notice is for the general public. It doesn't apply to us. We're bonded contractors for the city!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Especially the Ghostbusters.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Alright heat' em up. We'll met our way in.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Wait! I have a better idea. Hmm. This is disappointing.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': No. Disappointing is the Jets losing in the last two minutes. Not being covered in slime by phantom ghouls out to kill us... doesn't exactly make me reach for a hanky. Why'd they shut down? You guys didn't bang the place up that bad last time you were here.
*'''Ray Stantz''': If this place is a mandala node, a few brunt walls and broken ceilings are the last thing anybody's...
*'''Egon Spengler''': And smashed furniture, broken chandeliers, destroyed paintings, shattered vases, probably some minor structural damage...
*'''Ray Stantz''': Thanks, Egon. My point being that there's more to worry about here than some minor cosmetic issues.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Definitely a mandala node.
*'''Ray Stantz''': If we don't shut down Shadnor's Mandala soon, most of Manhattan will become as vacant as this. Not to mention also becoming a bastion of absolute, mind-mumbling horror of centuries to come.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hey! I definitely don't lay out two grand a month for a 600 square foot walk-up to live in a bastion! Let's get to work. It's an ambush! Get 'em hot!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Wait a minute...wait! I don't think they're a threat. They may only be residual hauntings.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I think Ray's right. They haven't crossed entirely into this dimension. They're just psychokinetic echoes. Ghosts of ghosts. Completely harmless.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Great. I was hoping to meet a friendly ghost some day, but I'll settle for 'harmless' right now.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I'm getting a strong valence spike higher up in the building.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Ilyssa said she was called to the 12th floor. Let's start there. This way. Come on, let's go!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Nothing.
*'''Ray Stantz''': They'd have shut down the power when they closed.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Can we take the stairs?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well, we can try climbing but the last time we were here, a level three animator took out the bottom of the staircase.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Yeah, that's right. I forgot you weren't here last time, Winston. So no stairs, no elevators... Did you hear something?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Over there! C'mon!
*'''Ray Stantz''': I think we're dealing with a Level Five Anchored Ambusher! Be careful.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': It went to the stairwell! We've got it cornered!
*'''Woman''': (off-screen) Help!
*'''Ray Stantz''': This is just how a Level Five Anchored Ambusher lures you in! The Manager? What are you doing here?
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': Ghosts! Monsters! Everywhere!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': There's was another voice - woman screamed. Are you alone in here?
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': Look, I just said 'ghosts and monsters everywhere.' Does that sound like I'm alone?
*'''Ray Stantz''': He meant people.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': Then, yes...I think so. Aaaaah!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Well, I guess that explains it.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Sir, there's no need to fear. These are just shadows; echoes of actual ghosts. They can't hurt you.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Come with us sir, we can lead you to safety.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': My God!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Someone you know.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': I...don't know. Most of the old staff knows the story of the Spider Witch, a professional widow who did unimaginable things in a room on the 12th floor back in the 1920's.
*'''Egon Spengler''': what are you still doing here? Why don't you evacuate with everyone else?
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': I came back last night to retrieve some payroll records, but the hotel won't let me out! The doors shut on me! And the phones are down too.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That means we're trapped now too. And we have to hope that Peter figures out we're missing? There goes the weekend.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Not necessarily. The 12th floor is apparently the core of this node. If we can get the power back on, we can take the elevators.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': If the elevators don't eat us.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Yes, if the elevators don't eat us.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Where are the circuit breakers for this place? We don't have a lot of time.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': Uh...breakers. In my office. But the city came and turned off most of our power after the electrical fire on the 3rd floor. There's no way to turn it back on from here.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That's inconvenient.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': We've gotta find some way to get the elevators moving.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': There's a backup generator in the unity room off the kitchen. It's for emergency blackouts.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Perfect. Let's give it a try. To the kitchen!
*'''Egon Spengler''': I guess of them apparently fulminate to this plane. It doesn't seem like they're happy about it.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Right! Now, let's find that backup generator.
*'''Ray Stantz''': The kitchen. Is it through here?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Yes, just down the hall. Hello? Anyone there?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Alright, guys, spread out. The utility room should be around here somewhere.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': In some dark, scary corner.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I know I've said this before, but be careful. I don't think we're alone.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': This place is wrecked. Did you and Venkman do all this when you were chasing Slimer?
*'''Ray Stantz''': No, this is a lot worse than the way could have left it. This is the work of something big.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': When you say 'big' do you mean 'big-big?'
*'''Ray Stantz''': Mm-hm. At the very least. Maybe even bigger.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That sounds pretty big. The manager said there was a generator room around here somewhere look for a door. It has to be around here somewhere. Keep an eye out for a sign.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Look! Cadet found the emergency generator!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Look around for a switch or something to start it up.
*'''Ray Stantz''': What's it look like?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Probably like a switch. Or something that would start up a generator.
*'''Ray Stantz''': All right, Egon. But you should know I'm keeping score.
*'''Egon Spengler''': What did I say?
*'''Ray Stantz''': There's a lot of water on the floor. Watch out for the static discharge when you activate the generator.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': You mean to say he could be electrocuted after the power is back on?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Could happen. Outside chance. Ah! Sweet music! Uh-oh.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I recommend not stepping into the water.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That sounds like an excellent recommendation.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Looks like that power cable is causing all the trouble.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Get it out of the water, then!
*'''Ray Stantz''': I know this much: we're trapped down here like rats until that cable's out of the water.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': How about some slime tethering?!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Put it out of there! Slime Tether!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Slime Tether!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Come on, kid. The elevators should be working. Unless something...nevermind. Let's get back to the lobby.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Listen! What's that smell?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Over there! C'mon!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Look out! It's the late shift!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah, but this is just the help! Where's the boss? I can't believe I just said it out loud!
*'''Ray Stantz''': I know that guy! It's the mass poisoner, Chef DeForrest! So: nobody eat anything in here! Even if you're really hungry!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I'm about to swallow my own tongue, Ray. Will that be okay? All right. The kitchen is clean. Let's get back to the elevators.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': Thank god you're here!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Everything checks out here.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Okay, it looks like the psycho-mass has come to rest about 190 feet above our heads.
*'''Ray Stantz''': The 13th floor.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': This hotel has no 13th floor! None of the guard old hotels do!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Man's got a strong argument.
*'''Ray Stantz''': We'll split the difference. Egon, you and the Tenderfoot go to the 12th floor. Winston and I will check out the 14th. (To Sedgewick Hotel Manager) Sir, if you'll please come with us.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Fine. But stay on contact. This place is extraordinary dangerous. Well, let's see what's on the twelfth floor.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Ego, what were you saying eariler about the mandala node?
*'''Egon Spengler''': You mean why do we keep seeing new ghosts?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Yeah.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Okay. Think of the mandala as a city bus line. At the bus station, ghosts, or waiting passengers, are drawn into the system here and trapped. The concentrates their PK energy which is then eventually forced through to the next node, or 'station,' and so on, until it all ends at a final terminus. At each successive bus station, the station manager, or Node Guardian, stronger, so that it can keep the ghosts in line and destroy anyone who comes to the station to interfere with the flow. These nodes or bus stations gather the power used to feed a central point thus creating a much longer threat to our world. Does that make more sense now?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) TTTC. Totally Trapped Transit Company.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Yeah, you were going strong right up until the passengers got trapped inside the bus station.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) When is my performance review, again? I deserve more stock options.
*'''Ghost Guy''': I say, young lady, you are full of surprises! After you, my dear!
*'''Egon Epengler''': Well. That was terrifying. Be extremely careful. This is likely to be a point of dangerous concentration. Odd. It's coming from everywhere and nowhere. Impossible to get a significant fix. Ray, come in. Are you there?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Egon. What happened? We lost you for a minute there.
*'''Egon Spengler''': We had a close contact.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) I've got some more information on the Spider Witch ghost. Manager says authorities never found her but...
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': (heard from Egon's communicator) The bodies were hung from the ceiling! They were drained a blood and dragged around!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) He says the victims were in a pretty bad state.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': (heard from Egon's communicator) The walls were painted in blood! Furniture was half chewed and crushed and piled in a corner like a giant nest!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) She seems to have vandalized the room badly too.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Hm. I don't want to be hung from a ceiling and drained of blood.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) I want to tell you this: I do NOT want to be found in bad state... OR vandalized.
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': (heard from Egon's communicator) I think that sentiment unanimous.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Ray! Come in!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Yeah, what's up?
*'''Egon Spengler''': What was the Spider Witch's room number?
*'''Sedgewick Hotel Manager''': 1221. After her spree, it was locked up. Until about five years ago when we remodeled.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Hear that? Room 1221. I think that...Hey!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Let's keep moving.
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) Oh, greet our visitors. The Chairman sends the little spirits to me. They love me. They make me strong.
*'''Egon Spengler''': The floor is undergoing significant metamorphics. Ghostworld is aggressively encroaching on ours. It's not even utilizing a portal. This is very bad.
*'''Ghost Guy''': (off-screen) My ankles? Goodness, we hardly know each other! No, I... Who... what are you?! No...! Help! No! Please...AAAAAHHHHHHHH!
*'''Egon Spengler''': It's the Ghostworld crossing through! Happening sooner than we expected! It looks like this is where this node is focused! We could use some help! - into radio) - Ray, are you there?! Come in, Ray?! Looks like it's up to us...let's find 1221 and finish this.
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) Come play with my friends.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Look behind you. Let's keep moving.
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) Oh, you've come to play games? Oh, I know a lot of games.
*'''Egon Spengler''': 1220... 1222. No. 1221. Where is it? 1221 has to be here. Never trust the naked eye in this work. I'm sure it's here, even if we can't use it. Well, this looks inviting. I don't like the look of this, but we've run out of options.
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) Come to me, little man. Don't be afraid.
*'''Egon Spengler''': We aren't alone.
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) Which one are these? These are not mine. Everyone here is mine. The quiet men, the angry men, the hungry men, the scuttling ones... Yes! Now you are here and that means you are mine. This won't hurt a bit. You're going to feel a tiny prick. Don't be shy. I like shy boys. Come and find me if you can!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Heads up!
*'''The Spider Witch Ghost''': (off-screen) This is for you! Oh, are you flirting with me? Oh, you've come to play games? Oh, I know lots of games. Oh, I don't think so. I'm so weak... You. Hurt me? Silly men. Come play with my friends. Oh, tear them apart!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Look...the Mandala Map! Ray, Winston, come in. You there?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Egon! What happened? You alright?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The Recruit found the 13th Floor and we shut it down. PKE levels are back to acceptable parameters. This node of the mandala is fully neutronized.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Alright!
*'''Ray Stanz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Where are you? We went back down to the 12th floor and couldn't find anything. Everything seems pretty normal.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Looks like we're back in the Ruby Ballroom. We'll meet you at Ecto-1.
*(At Outside)
*'''Peter Venkman''': Egon, remind me. Why are we driving aimlessly in the fog?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The final node, Venkman. Close it and we seal the Mandala, trapping the ghosts inside.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Sorry to break this to you, Egon. But I just don't see the Mandala...
*'''Egon Spengler''': You were saying?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Shandor Island...it's here! It's too unstable. I'm going to have to drop you guys and circle. If Ecto-8 sinks, we're sunk too.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Ray, since you're the most excited about going to ghost island, why don't I just take the boat? I thought I was making a nice gesture, and you're giving me the suspicious look. Drop it instantly. Let's get going, because nobody enjoys rushing headlong towards their death more than this fellow.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': What's this story behind this place, Egon?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The Shandors owned this island for generations. This castle was built in the 1860s. Ivo Shandor used it as a refuge, a lab, and a temple for he and other cult members to worship Gozer.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hmm.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Okay, that's all well and good. But can someone explain to me how an entire island sinks?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The night the last Shandor died, there was a huge tidal surge and the river just swallowed the island whole. Shandor consecrated the island to Gozer, and the Ghostworld reclaimed it.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Mm-Hm.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': City's lucky it's in the middle of the river instead of Rockfeller Center.
*'''Egon Spengler''': We're lucky now. But soon the Ghostworld will continue to assert itself into ours, and the damage will be incalculable.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hm. Just another screwed up day at the office.
*'''Egon Spengler''': It appears that we need to take that staircase to get inside.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That's a big hole, guys. Am I am not swimming in the Hudson River in November. So, how do you want to get across?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Maybe that crane still works.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well. If you could that from over there to over here...make the world a better place.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': So the fossilized boat wasn't enough? Now you want to activate some pre-Colombian deathtrap machinery?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Pro-Colombian deathtrap machinery utilizes an entirely different principle.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Well, I don't see any controls on that crane. How can we get it to move? Hey! What about the slime tether!?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Don't be timid.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Look at that! Rookie moved the crane!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Alright, swing it around!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Almost! Work it over this way to cover the hole!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Bring it in! Almost there! Whoa! Great!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Yo! New guy!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Good work! Oh!
*'''Peter Venkman''': You alright? What's with you? You know we only get paid if we live.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Recruit, you okay? Let's keep moving.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Careful, we don't wear helmets.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Guys? There's way too much dangerous debris falling in here. I've gotta take Marine Ecto-8 where it's safer.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Don't get too far, Ray. If we need you, we're gonna need you really fast!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Aye-aye, Z. Raise me on the horn if you need me!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Now he's Captain Ahab. Be careful, Ray.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Let's keep moving. We'll find a place where Ray can put in to get us later.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (Whistles) Check this joint out.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That's a three-million dollar view, even by Manhattan standards.
*'''Peter Venkman''': My apartment used to look like this.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Shandor's public architectural style ranged from Federal to Art Deco. His personal tastes, however, obviously leaned toward the Gozerian.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Oh, now I see what they mean by early demonic.
*'''Egon Spengler''': There's an open door.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hey! We know these guys.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That explains why they attacked us in Times Square: they're gargoyles from Shandor buildings.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Guess Ivo would be tickled pink to know his old security system still works so long after he died.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Ahh... guys.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That's a lot of... whatever they are! Look. The door's controlled by that chain!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hey you. You're up, buddy!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Okay, cadet. Your first... I've got your back. Did you know that hedge mazes are historically designed to conceal a secret shortcut?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Well there's still one crank that works down here, try using it to open the door.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Egon. Winston. Can we get outta here?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The door look it's connected to that crank, see if you can get it turn. Wind the chain!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Come on. Today.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Keep going! You're getting closer! That did it! The door's wide open! Get back up here!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Yeah, that'll work.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Hm. I take it we're not welcome.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah? There's a first. I'm gonna get us all name badges that say 'Hello. I'm not welcome.' Or maybe t-shirts. Or coffee mugs. Ilyssa. I see her.
*'''Peter Venkman''': You and me both. She's wearing just a simple terrycloth robe. And she's brought me coffee.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That's her, all right. Spitting image.
*'''Egon Spengler''': The resemblance is uncanny. This is Ivo Shandor's mother, painted in 1885.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Wait. What? Ilyssa is Shandor?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Why does this always happen to me? I meet a girl. She's crazy about me. But she always turns out be some kind of unbelievable fixer upper!
*'''Egon Spengler''': This is all making sense. Ilyssa must have inadvertently triggered the Mandala because she has Shandor blood.
*'''Peter Venkman''': She doesn't know it. When I did her profile, she told me she was adopted.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Some coincidence, huh?
*'''Peter Venkman''': You don't really believe this happened by accident?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': No. Someone must have known and set this up.
*'''Egon Spengler''': The Mayor did say that Peck personally recommended Ilyssa to be the guest curator of the Gozer Exhibit.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Once a Peck, always a Peck. Shandor must have been employed hundreds of workers for years to build this place!
*'''Egon Spengler''': The supports are waterlogged, the mortar is decrepit, and the foundation is shattered. In purely physical terms, there's no way all this can be still standing.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': You sound like you look surprised.
*'''Egon Spengler''': No. Not really. It's beautiful, in a horrific way.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) You can't deny the pure genius of Shandor, it's a pity that it was all used for evil. If he would have just channeled some of it for good, the things could have done.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Posthumous Black Mass.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': What? People still worshipping? Even after they're dead? That's a powerful church, man.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That might explain how these structures are still standing!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Egon's communicator) Oh, yeah! Ethereal stability induced by sheer focused concentration of posthumous will! Unbelievable!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah, right. Unbelievable. is that you can still use that word in context.
*'''Peter Venkman''': This is gravy.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': It is officially time for us to go. (Whistles) Check this joint!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Unless my sensory array is malfunctioning, that is definitely the place we're looking for.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hey, where'd the caddy go? Yo! Cool-breeze! Come on out!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Peter Behind you!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) No! Get back! Take your imaginary hands off me, man!
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) No! There's too many of them!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Egon! They got Egon bring him back here! Kid! Help us!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Okay you need to get to the others so they can help you, please be careful we don't know what we are dealing with yet, but it sounds big and when big things attack it hurts.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Hey, Rook! I'm trapped in a dark place. Can barely move my arms. Can you find me? I think you're getting closer to me, the sounds are getting louder. You know, I always did like you more than the others did. Keep looking, man. I've got to be around somewhere in here! Hey! In here! Give me a hand! Hey, thanks, man! I was seriously cramping up in there. This is all looking familiar. Ray would be giggling right now. This must be where all the mood slime came from. Look! They must've pumped it straight into the sewers from here. Let's go find Egon... then we'll think about finding Peter. Shandor's cult was working some scary experiments in here. There's blue slime, pink slime, yellow slime. But every ghost in here is coated' with black slime. What's generating it all? Where's it all coming from? Being dead for 80 years sure hasn't improved these guys' disposition any. I'm not sure which one of you shoved me in that crate, but you all owe me a big apology! You picked the wrong side, ghost. Shandor isn't here to help you now, is he?! This is the kind of stuff that really shows well on your review. I think you are really turning some heads back at headquarters. Man, what are these spooks up to in here? I get the whole Mandala-immortality-and power thing, but what's up with all the slime science?
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) I think I hear you guys. Yes, that sounds like my equipment. You are getting close. Get me out of this thing. I don't want to be eaten by black slime.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Egon, hang on, we are almost to you!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Thank you. This is going to reflect well on your performance review. In most cases I find close proximity to mildew simulating. That was a little much, though. Have you seen Venkman?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Well, you know...
*'''Egon Spengler''': Have you looked for him?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Well..you know...
*'''Egon Spengler''': The meter seems to indicate that he's somewhere in this direction. This machinery indicates an astounding level of sophistication. Pure evil notwithstanding. Ivo Shandor was far ahead of his time. You know, I have to take my hat off to Shandor. This lab was built how many years ago? It's truly impressive. It's likely Shandor was THE parapsychology expert of his time.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Stay in the light, Egon.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I'm trying, Winston.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Should we try to find Peter, or...?
*'''Egon Spengler''': They probably stashed him around here somewhere.
*'''Peter Venkman''': (off-screen) Help! Yo, a little help!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Shh! I think I hear him!
*'''Peter Venkman''': (off-screen) Did somebody call a break?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Yeah, that's Venkman, all right. Now. We're sue about this, right?
*'''Egon Spengler''': We need to be at full strength to shut down this Noble.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Way to go! I feel a momentum swing here in our favor, get out there and find mandala node and shut it down. That should really piss someone off.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hey. I got places to go, people to meet. Can we move outta here?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': What are they doing?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The readings are as big as those at the library when we crossed over. I think it's safe to assume that the machine they're working on was not built for a benign purpose. It's an orrery; a device typically used for predicting planetary alignment. In this case it appears to actually be aligning dimensions.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I for one do not want the dimensions to align. Not this close to Christmas.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That would put a damper on the holidays.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': How do we shut that thing down?
*'''Egon Spengler''': The motion of those devices seems to be generating some sort of energy. Hart to tell, though.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': What if we tried locking those things down?
*'''Egon Spengler''': I cab calculated 54 different outcomes. In three of them, we survive.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That beats our usual odds.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Unfortunately, you're correct. Let's do it.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': It looks like the movement of those spheres is stabilizing the interior structure. What if they stopped moving? So far this goofy island has been a slime tether amusement park. Why should that change now? Lock those sphere's down, man! We gotta stop those balls from moving! I mean...aw, you know what I mean. Yes! You did it! How come people smart enough to use science always try to take over this Universe? Huh? Egon? Ray? Anyone...didn't think so.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Wait. Those planets are aligning. I'm not so sure this is the safest course of action. I think we found the source of the black slime, Winston.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I wasn't that curious! The whole room's filling up! Get to higher ground!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Alright, gentlemen. It's official: this was a bad idea.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Shh! Here comes the big finale.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ugh! The stench is horrible!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Smells like the Fulton fish market when they've got fish. Wait, I know that dumpster.
*'''Egon Spengler''': A putrid mass of hatred, bile, and anger.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Not exactly, Mr. Sunshine is he?
*'''Peter Venkman''': This is the part where do what we do! Blow it back to the cradle.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Yow! Get him in the eyes!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hit his eyes, rookie!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hey. You lookin' at me?
*'''Egon Spengler''': We've got to cut off his Visine.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Somebody chop some onions!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Give me the evil eye, huh? It's got to be vulnerable somewhere!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Statistically speaking, that's not entirely accurate!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Statistically speaking, we better hope it is!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Okay! Fair enough! What about that that inaccessible anterior nodule?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The glowly thing on its head? That is its head, isn't it?
*'''Egon Spengler''': I'm not sure that matters! How can we get to it?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hey! Rookie! Run around and look delicious, will you?
*'''Egon Spengler''': There it is! Concentrate your fire at that node!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hit it right there! It doesn't look like that at all!
*'''Egon Spengler''': He's taking the bait!
*'''Peter Venkman''': And that is all she wrote.
*'''Egon Spengler''': All the nodes are closed. The ghosts are trapped in the Mandala.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Right where they belong! Our boy Ivo Shandor didn't factor in that he was messin' with the Ghostbusters! Ha ha HA!
*'''Peter Venkman'''; Yeah. Peck made the same mistake. We're gonna have a long talk with him.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Don't forget that Peter's girlfriend is a Shandor. I'm gonna have a...a very long talk with her.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) You guys need to get down to the shore, and fast! I don't know how much longer I can hold her - the whole island's sinking!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ray, keep the motor running! We are coming at you fast! Peter! Get out of there!
*(After defeating Juvenile Slor)
*'''Ray Stantz''':''(Wasn't with the rest of the group)'' How was it!? Was it cool!? What did it look like!? Did you get any samples!? Did it have multiple eyes!?
*(Other Ghostbusters turn to face Ray Stantz with ticked faces)
*'''Egon Spengler''': Shut up.
*'''Janine Melnitz''': Oh, thank god you're here!
*'''Ray Stantz''': What's going on, Janine? Where's Ilyssa?
*'''Janine Melnitz''': She's gone! They took her! One minute everything was fine, the next it was chaos! Ghosts flying everywhere!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Janine, slow down! Start from the beginning.
*'''Janine Melnitz''': Okay. Well, I was a little late this morning because one of the heels on my favorite pair of pumps broke and Lester's was out of my favorite tea, You know how I love my chamomile. Well, a-and...
*'''Peter Venkman''': Okay, maybe not the beginning. Start when things went haywire around here.
*'''Janine Melnitz''': Okay, okay. Somebody jumped me from behind. And before I passed out, I heard Ilyssa struggling and yelling, 'No'! And the last thing I remember was the screams of the dead and damned echoing in my brain!
*'''Peter Venkman''': So either there was a mass escape from Rikers...
*'''Egon Spengler''': ...or someone shut down our containment grid. Again.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Again?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Just like Peck threatened to do.
*'''Peter Venkman''': It's funny. I always knew that Peck was a pencil-necked, bureaucratic prick. But I never pegged him as an evil occultist.
*'''Ray Stantz''': But where did he take her?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': And where are all the ghosts? 'Cause, no offense, but if all the ghosts we're ever caught just escaped, I'm clocking out.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Yeah, they would be awfully mad at us.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Exactly. It's generally a bad idea for the guards to hang out in the cell blocks just after a prison break.
*'''Reporter''': (On TV) This just in: as authorities continue to supervise the Thanksgiving evacuation of Manhattan, increasingly powerful tremors are rocking are rocking Central Park. The question is: where are the Ghostbusters?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Tell you what... Kind of a nice day. Why don't we go to Central Park? Could round up some ghosts, save the girl... get back in time for a nap?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Okay! The Ghostbusters ride again!
*'''Janine Melnitz''': (On Phone) Oh, hi. Really? Mm-hmm. So I told him that if they start evacuating Manhattan, that I don't plan on coming in on Monday. And he says... and he says I've already used all my floating holidays this year... Right? I tell him, &quot;Dr. Venkman. Catastrophic exodus of the city doesn't count as a floating holiday.&quot; No, it doesn't. I looked it up. So he hands me the employee handbook and tells me to look again, and that what is and isn't covered is very clearly defined. What? Yeah it was in there! In his handwriting...in pencil! He wrote it in when he asked me to get his coffee. Anyway, I can take a half-day on Monday if they evacuate the city. Alright. Goodbye.
*'''Vigo''': Mha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look deep inside yourself and ask if this was a true victory.
*(At Outside)
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Just once, I wouldn't mind running with these other fools away from the trouble.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Where's the fun in that?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Any guesses on where we'll find Peck and Ilyssa?
*'''Ray Stantz''': I suspected that we're going to need the Super Slammer up there. No telling how powerful Peck has grown.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That means we gotta take the Ecto-1. I'll drive.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Ah!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Junior's pretty spry, even with that hundred pounds of Proton Accelerator.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Oww! That was, that was 'oww' there!
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Hoss, you alright? How's that gate coming? Wow! Look at the storm system building above that tower!
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Remember the last time we saw that kind of atmosphere disturbance?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) That's right. I don't get it. We shut down the mandala. How can all this still be happening?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) In the Gozerian Codez it's written that a blood sacrifice and a tremendous amount of spiritual energy are needed to generate the Supreme Destructor Form.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) A Destructor Form again?
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Peck probably couldn't draw sufficient energy from the mandala before we shut it down. He found an alternate source in our containment unit.
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) The energy of the escape ghosts from our grid might be enough to produce a cross-dimensional event in itself.
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Yes, and with Ilyssa here, I'm sure her Shandor ancestors aren't far behind.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Earthquakes... great. Could plague, pestilence, and death be far behind?
*'''Ray Stantz''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) I'd bet on it. Speed it up there, tiger.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Yeah, we don't want to stand here all day.
*'''Ray Stantz''': I'll go with the intern. Nobody should wander around alone in this place. We'll meet you guys a little further on. You saw 'em too, didn't ya? They think they're sneaky. Let's spread out and flank 'em. It's not alone! Run! &quot;Flanking&quot; means I got this way, and you go that way. I know you're new, but that's basic stuff. All right, Youngblood. It's all you. There's the key! It's too heavy to carry ourselves. Get it back to the gate so we can keep going! Wait a minute. Oh... I get it now. This has been bugging me. When the necromantic shockwave summoned Gozer back to our plane, why didn't he assume a more effective Destructor from immediately? I mean the Marshmallow Man is scary, sure, but there has to be a better way to destroy the world. It's simple... When he enters our plane of existence, he must be locked into that form from our first encounter. One Destructor form per god, per dimension. I like it! Sounds like the kind of symmetry these things tend to operate on. Hey, so maybe I didn't choose such a bad destructor after all, huh? Look...up there. It's getting worse.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) This isn't the Central Park I'm used to.
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) You still have your wallet?
*'''Ray Stantz''': That means one of two things: either we're in trouble or we're dinner.
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Is there a difference?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) Hey! We ever test the Proton Packs in the rain?
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) What's what Recruit is doing right now...
*'''Ray Stantz''': Great...wait a minute! I'm wearing one, too!
*'''Egon Spengler''': (heard from Rookie's communicator) That's true, Ray. How's it going so far? Do you smell any burning, or experience any painful tingling?
*'''Ray Stantz''': You'll be the first one to know. Or the second. Air strike! Take those flyers out! They're coming out of ground! We've gotta smash the coffins while they're airborne. Otherwise we have to deal with these! They ain't all graceful! On your right!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Well, hello there.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Ray! You guys alright? Man, there ain't nothing dead in this graveyard.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Thanks for joining the party.
*'''Egon Spengler''': They're throwing everything they have at us to stop us from getting to that mausoleum.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That's as far as I can go. You guys gotta clear a path for me.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Ray, readings here are extremely unstable. Energy from the mandala and the escaped ghosts is building up to a flash point. We don't have much time.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Well, I guess we're goin in there. We don't have a lot of choice. Man! The graves pushing up through here really did a number on this place. Walter Peck is gonna have a lot to answer to from the City Parks Department. If we can prevent the Apocalypse, that is. Clear out those roots! Watch out for those coffins! They're not all empty! Go, go, go!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Hey, over here. A little help? Yo, a little help?
*'''Egon Spengler''': We've tried everything. This metal is psychonically charged, rendering it effectively indestructible.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Mm-Hm.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well, in such an extreme solution, I suppose to cause it harm. But I don't think anything we have is going to make a dent in it.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Then what's our plan?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Ray, you two check out that side.
*'''Ray Stantz''': I think I'm picking up something odd here. What's your take on this? An indestructible gate attached to a damaged frame. A few concussive hits and the hinges might just break loose.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Uh, 12 o'clock high.
*'''Egon Spengler''': They're too well protected. Our energy streams aren't going to hurt them. Peter, go kick one.
*'''Ray Stantz''': The only hope we have is to stay alive and keep them away from the Ecto.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I wholeheartedly agree with Ray.
*'''Egon Spengler''': More precisely, they're little stone angels, capable of attaining speeds of 198 feet per second before they hit their targets... which is us.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Kamikaze Angels? Man, I'm going back to Sunday School.
*'''Ray Stantz''': The particle throwers aren't doing anything to them! Tether them and smash them into something!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Looks like a good place for slime tethering!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The kid's on to something!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Hook 'em together!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Timber!!!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Thanks for joining the party.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I think we're getting close.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hey guys, a little help? I bet we can pull these gates down, too. Hey, Ray. Have we got a chain or winch for this thing?
*'''Ray Stantz''': I didn't plan for a fun-filled day off-roading with Ecto-1. So no.
*'''Egon Spengler''': The Tether might prove useful here.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Okay, kid. Tether the gate to my bumper and I'll put it down. Now we're talking!
*'''Ray Stantz''': This way, gentleman.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Thank you! Nicely done.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I'm not sure going underground now is a good idea.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Come on, Spengs. Getting there is the fun part.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Check that out.
*'''Ray Stantz''': That's our next stop.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Ever feel like you're being watched?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Egon.
*'''Egon Spengler''': What?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Shhhhh! Please.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Get ready! Same drill as before!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Hook me up, again! I'll take care of it.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Right. The tethers.
*'''Egon Spengler''': At least the tethers held. My fault. Miscalculated.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Winston!
*'''Peter Venkman''': (Heavy Breathes) Oh man! D-ahh!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': It's stuck! For real!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Ecto-1!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': She's tough, but she took that pretty hard!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Can you get her rolling again?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Nah. Crickets. She's down for the count, guys.
*'''Ray Stantz''': I hate leaving her here like this.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I know it, Ray. This is definitely turning into a bad neighborhood. But we've got to keep moving. Guess we're walking from here.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Some of us have been working.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Keep your eyes peeled!
*'''Egon Spengler''': I think we've got guests.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': I knew it.
*'''Egon Spengler''': I think we're going to wish we had that Super Slammer. To the right! Look behind you!
*'''Ray Stantz''': This is fantastic! It's like a monster mash!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Identify the Shandorian and focus on them. It's their combined willpower that's protecting the mausoleum.
*'''Ray Stantz''': Focus on the cultists! What can unlock the gates?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well, those glowing indentions are obviously keyholes...
*'''Ray Stantz''': They are! Oh! Sure! I see it now!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Where are the keys then?
*'''Egon Spengler''': It may be possible to harness their interdimensional cranial energy source!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': The kid's on to something! Way to go!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Great! Those fellas turned out to be pretty helpful.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': This team can play! No doubt about it!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Exciting! And somehow risky!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Wait! It's Ilyssa!
*'''Egon Spengler''': It's Peck.
*'''Peter Venkman''': Can't we blast him? Just once really hard? Nobody's gonna know!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Easy Venkman everything points to Peck being a pawn.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan (possessed)''': I couldn't have said it better myself.
*'''Ray Stantz''': It's the Mayor.
*'''Peter Venkman''': No Ray, it's not. It's Ivo Shandor.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Shandor possessed the Mayor, turned Peck on us to slow us down. And when we shut down his mandala before he could get fully juiced, he hijacked our ghosts out of the containment unit as a alternate energy source.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan (possessed)''': Very good, and they say you're the slow one.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Waaait, what? Who says that?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Everybody. What's the girl have to do with it?
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan (possessed)''': Taking her was necessary. To assume my own Destructor Form, I require blood. My blood.
*'''Ray Stantz''': What about Gozer? I thought you built this all for him?
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan (possessed)''': I did, but he failed me. Twice. How he earned the title &quot;The Destroyer&quot; is beyond me. Anyway, I thought to myself... why worship a god when you can actually be one?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Slime him.
*'''Egon Spengler''': He's too powerful! It'll take all of our streams! We've gotta get through it's shielding!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Okay, step one. You've got it!
*'''Egon Spengler''': It's fading!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Job well done!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Now's your chance!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Job well done! Beat him down! Then get a capture stream on him! He's through! Now de-activate your pulse and we'll cross the streams with the blast function!
*'''Egon Spengler''': I can't shut it down, Ray!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Me too! Me neither, I mean!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Who decided to reinforce these shoulder traps?
*'''All''': Yaaaahhhh!!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Hey, Shandor! Where's your Destructor Form now? Leave it in your other suit?
*'''Ivo Shandor's Destructor Form''': I have chosen! I am the destructor. I am the Architect.
*'''Peter Venkman''': (Yawns) Was someone waken out of their nap?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Oh, no.
*'''Egon Spengler''': That's very bad.
*'''Peter Venkman''': The architect. Haha...that's not so scary. The contractor. That's who kills you!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Peter... You don't understand. He's the Architect, and he controls Ghostworld!
*'''Egon Spengler''': And he can come into our world. And what do architects do?
*'''Peter Venkman''': Ah...uh...they have automatic pencils. I dunno.
*'''Ivo Shandor's Destructor Form''': I will pave over your fields to start anew! I will fill your seas with concrete and stone!
*'''Peter Venkman''': Whoa take a break! Do you ever shut up?
*'''Ray Stantz''': Yeah...No! Listen!
*'''Ivo Shandor's Destructor Form''': I will pierce your world with girders of steel and panes of glass!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': That's just mean super villain threats, Ray. All those guys like that.
*'''Ivo Shandor's Destructor Form''': I will crush your world under the weight of my cities! I will smoother your creation under my own!
*'''Egon Spengler''': Don't let it power up!
*'''Ray Stantz''': Don't let it recharge.
*'''Egon Spengler''': Keep it coming! Blast it! Keep it coming! Pour it on!
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Give it to him! Light them up! Hey, more trouble! Blast its sorry behind!
*'''Ray Stantz''': It's shielding itself.
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': Dob't let it recharge!
*'''Ivo Shandor's Destructor Form''': I am a god!
*'''Egon Spengler''': We eat gods for breakfast? I'm deactivating the cross-stream governor! I never thought I'd say this again! Cross the streams!
*'''Ray Stantz''': &quot;We eat gods for breakfast?&quot;
*'''Egon Spengler''': Too much, do you think?
*'''Ray Stantz''': No, I liked it.
*'''Walter Peck''': Get me down from here! Please I'm begging you let me down!
*'''Peter Venkman''': New Guy. Your call.
*'''Walter Peck''': This is not the last you'll see of me!
*(Walter Peck runs away)
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': Ha, ha! The Ghostbusters! Hey, fellas! What are you doing here? Um...what am I doing here? Uh... where is here?
*'''Ray Stantz''': You were the victim of a trans-dimensional possession, Your Honor.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': Uh...what's that mean?
*'''Winston Zeddemore''': An evil ghost was walking around in your body for a few months.
*'''Mayor Jock Mulligan''': Oh. Did anyone notice? How's my approval rating?
*'''Egon Spengler''': Well, you got re-elected.
*'''Peter Venkman''': By the way, you're a descendant of Shandor.
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': Yeah...I kinda got that.
*(Peter Venkman and Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn kiss on the lips)
*'''Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn''': What? Venkman!

==Voice Cast==
*[[Dan Aykroyd]] - [[w:Raymond Stantz|Dr. Raymond Stantz]]
*[[w:Harold Ramis|Harold Ramis]] - [[w:Egon Spengler|Dr. Egon Spengler]]
*[[Bill Murray]] - [[w:Peter Venkman|Dr. Peter Venkman]]
*[[w:Ernie Hudson|Ernie Hudson]] - [[w:Winston Zeddemore|Dr. Winston Zeddemore]]
*[[w:William Atherton|William Atherton]] - [[w:Walter Peck|Walter Peck]]
*[[Alyssa Milano]] - Dr. Ilyssa Selwyn
*[[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] - [[w:Janine Melnitz|Janine Melnitz]]
*[[w:Brian Doyle-Murray|Brian Doyle-Murray]] - Mayor Jock Mulligan

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
*[http://ghostbustersgame.com/ Official Website]

{{Ghostbusters}}

[[Category:2009 video games]]</text>
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    <title>Pinocchio (1940 film)</title>
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[[File:Pinocchio 1940.jpg|thumb|I'd rather be smart than be an actor.]]
'''''[[w:Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]''''' is a [[w:1940 in film|1940]] American animated feature produced by [[Walt Disney]] about a marionette boy named Pinocchio, along with his cricket [[conscience]] named Jiminy Cricket, who embarks on the [[mischievous]] adventure to prove himself to become a real boy.
:''Directed by [[w:Ben Sharpsteen|Ben Sharpsteen]], [[w:Hamilton Luske|Hamilton Luske]], [[w:Norman Ferguson|Norman Ferguson]], [[w:T. Hee|T. Hee]], [[w:Wilfred Jackson|Wilfred Jackson]], [[w:Jack Kinney|Jack Kinney]], and [[w:Bill Roberts|Bill Roberts]]. Written by [[w:Ted Sears|Ted Sears]], [[w:Otto Englander|Otto Englander]], [[w:Webb Smith|Webb Smith]], [[w:William Cottrell|William Cottrell]], [[w:Joseph Sabo|Joseph Sabo]], [[w:Erdman Penner|Erdman Penner]], and [[w:Aurelius Battaglia|Aurelius Battaglia]], based on the children's novel [[w:The Adventures of Pinocchio|The Adventures of Pinocchio]] (1883) by [[w:Carlo Collodi|Carlo Collodi]].'' 
{{center|'''For anyone who has ever wished upon a star.'''}}

==[[w:Pinocchio|Pinocchio]]==
* What's an actor?
* ''[To audience, singing]'' There are no strings on me! WAHH!
* ''[To the Blue Fairy]'' It was [[w:The Fox and the Cat|these two big monsters]]---with green eyes!! ''[Nose grows]''
* Gee, Lampwick.
* Jiminy! Jiminy, [[w:Land of Toys|HELP!!]]
* (last words before he is killed by Monstro) Hang on, father!
* Father! Whatcha crying for?

==[[w:Jiminy Cricket|Jiminy Cricket]]==
* Now you listen to me, Pinoke!! I'm your conscience!
* Monstro!!

== [[w:The Coachman|The Coachman]] ==
* They '''never'''---come '''back'''---as '''BOYS!!!!'''
* ''[To the donkeified children]'' '''QUIET!!!!''' You've had your fun, now pay for it!!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': ''[looks at his reflection in a paintpot and turns to Pinocchio]'' Oh! I almost forgot about you. Well, Pinoke. You and I need to have a little heart-to-heart talk.
:'''Pinocchio''': Why?
:'''Jiminy''': Well, you wanna be a real boy, don't you?
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[nods his head]'' Uh-huh.'''
:'''Jiminy''': All right. Sit down, son. ''[Pinocchio drops down on the bench]'' Now, you see, the world is full of temptations.
:'''Pinocchio''': Temptations?
:'''Jiminy''': Yep, temptations. They're the wrong things that seem right at the time, but, uh...even though the right things may seem wrong, sometimes, or sometimes, the wrong things ''[chuckles]'' may be right at the wrong time, or vice-versa. ''[clears throat]'' Understand?
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[starts to nod, then shakes his head]'' Uh-uh. ''[Jiminy handpalms]'' But I'm gonna do right.
:'''Jiminy''': Attaboy, Pinoke! And I'm gonna help ya. Now if you need me at anytime, just whistle. Like this. ''[whistles]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Like this? ''[blows, but no sound comes out]''
:'''Jiminy''': No, no, try it again, Pinoke.
:'''Pinocchio''': Like this? ''[blows again, but no sound comes out]''
:'''Jiminy''': No, son. Now, listen. ''[whistles three times. Pinocchio blows air twice and finally whistles on the third attempt]'' That's it! Come on, now, let's sing it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[singing]'' I got no strings to hold me do... ''[trips and falls down the stairs and gets his nose stuck in a hole; the audience laugh]''
:'''Jiminy''': Go ahead. Make a fool of yourself, then maybe you'll listen to your conscience!
:'''Stromboli''': ''[squeals angrily and grabs Pinocchio, cursing in Italian, until he realizes the audience is laughing]'' Cute-a kid. ''[speaks in Italian]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Geppetto has prepared dinner for himself, Figaro, and Cleo, as he paces around the dining room waiting for Pinocchio to come home from school]''
:'''Geppetto''': What could have happened to him? Where could he be at this hour? ''[puts on his hat, coat, and scarf, and then takes a lantern]'' I'd better go out again, and look for him. ''[to Figaro and Cleo]'' And remember, nobody eats a bite, until I find him.
:''[Meanwhile, Stromboli is counting his money in his wagon while Pinocchio sits on a baguette]''
:'''Stromboli''': ''[singing]'' ...I buy a new suit and I swing-a that cane, I eat-a the bread and I drink-a champagne! I got-a no strings on-a me! ''[chuckles heartily]'' Bravo, Pinocchio!
:'''Pinocchio''': They like me!
:'''Stromboli''': ''[slides a stack of coins across the table with his machete]'' Mmmmmm....200. You are-a sensational! ''[pokes an olive off his table]''
:'''Pinocchio''': You mean I'm good?
:'''Stromboli''': ''[slides another stack]'' Ah, ''300!'' You are-a colossal! ''[chops some bread very close to Pinocchio]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Does that mean that I'm an actor?
:'''Stromboli''': ''[bites an onion]'' Sure! I will push you in the public’s eye! Your face, she will-a be on everybody's tongue!
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[sheds tears due to Stromboli's onion breath]'' Will she?
:'''Stromboli''': Yeah. ''[notices a washer in his stacks of coins]'' What's this?! ''[bites down on the washer and angrily curses in Italian until he realizes Pinocchio is listening; he calms down and gives the bent washer to him]'' For you, my little Pinocchio.
:'''Pinocchio''': For me? Gee, thanks! I'll run right home and tell my father!
:'''Stromboli''':''[spits out the wine he was drinking, and coughs]'' Home-a? ''[laughs]'' Oh, sure! Going home to your father! ''[laughs]'' Oh, that is-a very-a comical-a!
:'''Pinocchio''': You mean it's funny?
:'''Stromboli''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, sure! Yes!
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[joins him in laughing]'' I'll be back in the morning!
:'''Stromboli''': Be back in the morning?! ''[curses in Italian gibberish for a moment]'' Going-a home? ''[realizes Pinocchio is still listening and joins him in laughing until he throws him in a birdcage]'' There! ''THIS'' will be-a your home! ''[snaps the padlock shut]'' Where I canna find you always!
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[shakes the birdcage bars]'' No! No! No!
:'''Stromboli''': Yes! Yes! Yes! To me, you are-a belonging! We will tour-a the world! Paris! London! Monte Carlo! Constantinople! ''[shakes his rear end at his prisoner]''
:'''Pinocchio''': No! No!
:'''Stromboli''': ''[slams his hand on the table]'' YES! We start-a TONIGHT! Mmm... ''[mutters greedily in Italian as he pours all of his money into a sack]'' You will make lots of-a money... ''[slams the sack into his cummerbund]'' FOR ME! ''[picks up an axe]'' And when you are growing too old, you will make-a good... ''[throws the axe]'' '''FIREWOOD!''' ''[the axe lands on a broken puppet; Stromboli starts laughing maniacally]''
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[shakes the birdcage bars]'' Let me outta here! I gotta get out! You can't keep me…
:'''Stromboli''': ''[jumps on the floor]'' QUIET!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! Before I KNOCK-A you silly! Good night… ''[blows a kiss to Pinocchio]'' ...my little wooden gold mine. ''[laughs evilly, then walks out and slams the wagon door, blowing out the lantern and making the room completely dark]''
:'''Pinocchio''': No! No! Wait! ''[shakes the birdcage bars]'' Let me out! ''[shakes his fist in serious anger]'' I'll tell my father! 
:'''Stromboli''': ''[cracks his whip to his horses]'' Giddyap! Get along there!
:''[The wagon starts moving]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Jiminy! Oh, Jiminy! ''[whistles]'' Oh, Jiminy, where are you?! ''[whistles]'' Jiminy Cricket!
:''[There is a thunderclap, then Pinocchio starts sobbing]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jiminy''': ''[about Pinocchio]'' Well, there he goes. Sitting in the lap of luxury with the world at his feet. Oh, well. I can always say that I knew him when I met him. I'll just get out of his life quietly. But I would like to wish him luck, though. Sure. Why not? ''[enters Stromboli's wagon, and then looks for Pinocchio]'' Pinocchio? Pinocchio? It's me. Your old friend, Jiminy. Remember?
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[sheds a tear]'' Jiminy! Gee, I'm glad to see you!
:'''Jiminy''': Pinocchio! ''[runs to the birdcage]'' What's happened? ''[hops up onto the birdcage]'' What did he do to you?
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[about Stromboli]'' Oh, he was mad! He said that he's gonna push my face into everybody's eyes!
:'''Jiminy''': Oh, yeah?!
:'''Pinocchio''': And...And just because I'm a gold brick, he...he's gonna chop me into firewood!
:'''Jiminy''': Oh, is that so? ''[Pinocchio nods]'' Now, don't you worry, Son. I'll have you out of here in no time at all. ''[climbs into the padlock through the keyhole]'' Why, this is...this is just as easy as rolling off a...Whoa! ''[falls into the padlock. Pinocchio listens, as he tries to open the padlock up. He comes out of the padlock, takes his coat and hat off, hangs them both on a screw of the padlock, and then to Pinocchio]'' Kinda rusty. ''[Pinocchio watches, as Jiminy continues trying to open the padlock up]'' Needs a li'l oil! ''[his shouting echoes throughout the insides of the padlock; to the audience]'' That's what I said. ''[continues trying to open the padlock up with his umbrella. Pinocchio takes a closer look, as Jiminy pries at the padlock up with his umbrella, loosening the spring in the process; suddenly, the spring breaks off of the padlock, sending Jiminy flying out of the padlock]'' WHOA! ''[Pinocchio watches, as the spring continues flying from the padlock, and then lands straight right into one side of the birdcage. He hangs onto one side of the birdcage via the broken spring; chuckles nervously]'' Must be one of the old models.
:'''Pinocchio''': You mean that you can't open it?
:'''Jiminy''': Yeah. Looks pretty hopeless. ''[Pinocchio gives him his coat and hat, and then watches him put his coat and hat back on him]'' It'll take a miracle to get us outta here.
:'''Pinocchio''': Gee.
:''[Meanwhile, Geppetto searches for Pinocchio out in the streets of the village]''
:'''Geppetto''': Pinocchio! Pinocchio! ''[gets interrupted by Stromboli's wagon approaching]''
:'''Stromboli''': ''[to his horse]'' Giddyap! ''[speaks in Italian gibberish]''
:''[Geppetto continues searching for Pinocchio through the streets of the village]''
:'''Geppetto''': Pinocch- ''[gets interrupted again, this time by a loud thunderclap; he doesn't realize that Pinocchio is inside Stromboli's wagon, and then continues searching for Pinocchio out in the streets of the village, as he goes the opposite direction of Stromboli's wagon]''
:'''Jiminy''': A fine conscience I turned out to be.
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[tearfully]'' I should've listened to you, Jiminy.
:'''Jiminy''': No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have walked out on you.
:'''Pinocchio''': Guess I'll never see my father again.
:'''Jiminy''': Oh, buck up, Son. It couldn't be worse. ''[starts crying]'' Be cheerful...LIKE ME! ''[Pinocchio sobs as one of his tears lands onto Jiminy's hat until it splashes]'' Oh. Take it easy, Son. ''[gets out a tissue from his shirt, and holds it onto Pinocchio's nose]'' Come on. Blow. ''[Pinocchio blows his nose into the tissue]'' Attaboy. ''[blows his nose into the same tissue]'' Oh, well. ''[looks at the sky while a tear drop down on his cheek]'' It stopped raining, anyway. ''[outside Stromboli's wagon window, the clouds cleared up, and revealed the starry night sky, as the wishing star approaches Stromboli's wagon, and then enters Stromboli's wagon]'' Hey. It's that star again. The lady, the...the...Whoa! The fairy! ''[Pinocchio falls off of the birdcage's perch, as he hops onto another side of the birdcage]''
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[gets up]'' What'll she say?! What'll I tell her?!
:'''Jiminy''': Um...Uh...You might tell her the truth! ''[hides inside the birdcage's birdfeeder, as Pinocchio hides his head right between his legs like an ostrich. The Blue Fairy appears, and then looks around Stromboli's wagon, as Pinocchio watches in amazement]''
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Why, Pinocchio.
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh. Hello.
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Sir Jiminy.
:'''Jiminy''': Well, uh, this is a pleasant surprise. Ha ha!
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Pinocchio! Why didn't you go to school?
:'''Pinocchio''': School? Well, I... ''[looks up at Jiminy]''
:'''Jiminy''': Go ahead. Tell her.
:'''Pinocchio''': I was going to school till I met somebody.
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Met somebody?
:'''Pinocchio''': Yeah, uh...two big monsters with big, green eyes! ''[his nose grows a little]'' Why, I...I...
:'''The Blue Fairy''': ''[playing along]'' Monsters? Weren't you afraid?
:'''Pinocchio''': No, ma'am, but they tied me in a big sack. ''[his nose grows a little more and sprouts leaves]''
:'''The Blue Fairy''': You don't say. ''[Pinocchio nods]'' And where was Sir Jiminy?
:'''Pinocchio''': Huh? Oh, Jiminy. Um...Uh...
:'''Jiminy''': ''[jumps in front of Pinocchio]'' Psst! Leave me outta this.
:'''Pinocchio''': They put him in a little sack. ''[his nose grows even more, taking Jiminy along with it]''
:'''Jiminy''': No!
:'''Pinocchio''': Yes! ''[his nose sprouts flowers]''
:'''The Blue Fairy''': How did you escape?
:'''Pinocchio''': I didn't. They chopped me into firewood! ''[his nose grows again, and a nest with baby birds sprouts at the end of it]'' Oh, look! My nose! What's happened?
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Perhaps you haven't been telling the truth, Pinocchio.
:'''Jiminy''': &quot;Perhaps&quot;?!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, but I have. Every single word! ''[the branch with the nest on his nose withers, and the birds fly away, whistling]'' Oh, please help me! I'm awful sorry!
:'''The Blue Fairy''': You see, Pinocchio, a lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as a nose on your face.
:'''Jiminy''': She's right, Pinoke. You better come clean.
:'''Pinocchio''': I'll ''never'' lie again! Honest, I won't!
:'''Jiminy''': ''[to the Blue Fairy]'' Please, Your Honor...uh...I mean, Miss Fairy, give him another chance, for my sake. Will you? Huh?
:'''The Blue Fairy''': I'll forgive you this once. But remember a boy, who won't be good, might just as well be made of wood.
:'''Pinocchio and Jiminy''': ''[in unison]'' We'll be good, won't we?
:'''The Blue Fairy''': Very well. But this is the last time that I can help you.
:''[She touches the birdcage with her magic wand, and then disappears; Pinocchio's nose turns back to normal, and the birdcage door opens, as the padlock magically unlocks while on the birdcage door]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Gee, look, Jiminy! My nose!
:'''Jiminy''': Hey! We're free! Come on, Pinoke!
:''[They sneak out from the back of the wagon while Stromboli is singing]''
:'''Stromboli''': ''[singing]'' I buy a new suit and I swing-a that cane, I eat-a the bread and I drink-a champagne! I got-a no strings on-a me!
:'''Jiminy''': Toodle-oo, Stromboli!
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[yelling]'' Goodbye, Mr. Strombo...
:'''Jiminy''': Shh! ''[whispering]'' Quiet! Let's get outta here before something else happens. ''[they rush home to the village]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At &quot;The Red Lobster Inn&quot;, Honest John is telling the Coachman their success at fooling Pinocchio]''
:'''Honest John''': ''[drunkenly singing]'' Hi diddle dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane! A watch of gold with a diamond chain! Hi diddle dee-day! An actor's life is gay! It's great to be a celebrity! An actor's life for me! ''[laughs]'' And the dummy fell for it! Hook, line, and sinker! ''[Gideon takes the ring that he smoked from his cigar and dunks it in his beer like dunking a donut in coffee, bites into it, and hiccups]'' And he still thinks that we're his friends! And did Stromboli pay? Plenty! ''[lays a small bag of money on the table and laughs as the Coachman grins wickedly]'' That shows you how low that Honest John will stoop. Eh, Giddy? ''[Gideon nods in agreement and hiccups, spilling beer all over himself]'' Now, uh, Coachman... ''[takes a smoke from his cigar]'' What's ''your'' proposition?
:'''The Coachman''': Well... ''[Puffs at his pipe and reaches into his coat pocket]'' How would you blokes like to make some ''real'' money? ''[drops an even larger bag of money on the table]''
:'''Honest John''': Well! And who do we have to, uh...? ''[makes throat-slitting gesture]''
:'''The Coachman''': No, no! Nothing like that. You see... ''[he and Honest John look around the empty bar, whispering]'' I'm collecting stupid little boys.
:'''Honest John''': Stupid little boys?
:'''The Coachman''': You know, the disobedient ones who play hooky from school.
:'''Honest John''': Oh!
:'''The Coachman''': And you see... ''[whispers inaudibly in Honest John's ear. Gideon puts his ear to Honest John's other ear and cleans it out for him, so he can listen as well]'' And I takes 'em to Pleasure Island.
:'''Honest John''': Ah, Pleasure Island. ''[suddenly shocked and horrified]'' Pleasure Island?! But the law! Suppose they...
:'''The Coachman''': No, no. There's no risk. They ''never'' come back as.... BOYS! ''[leans into the camera, red in the face with a huge evil smile, his eyes bugging out of his head, and his powdered wig forming devil horns. Honest John and Gideon cower in serious fear as he laughs maniacally before pulling them closer]'' Now, I got a coach leavin' at midnight tonight! We'll meet at the crossroads! And no double-crossin'!
:'''Honest John''': No, sir.
:'''The Coachman''': Scout around. Any good prospects you find, bring 'em to me!
:'''Honest John''': Yes, chief.
:'''The Coachman''': I'll pay you well! I've got plenty o' gold!
:'''Honest John''': Yes, yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[as he and Jiminy head home after escaping from Stromboli]'' No, sir! Nothing can stop me now! I'll make good this time!
:'''Jiminy''': You'd better!
:'''Pinocchio''': I will. I'm goin' to school!
:'''Jiminy''': That's the stuff, Pinoke!
:'''Pinocchio''': I'd rather be smart than be an actor!
:'''Jiminy''': Now, you're talkin'! C'mon, slowpoke! I'll race ya home!
:''[They race back to Geppetto's workshop until Honest John catches Pinocchio by the back of his loincloth with his cane like a branch while tries to far behind]''
:'''Honest John''': Well, well, Pinocchio! What's your rush? 
:'''Pinocchio''': I gotta beat Jiminy home! ''[tips his hat]'' Oh, hello.
:'''Honest John''': ''[Running in place next to Pinocchio]'' Well, how was the great actor?
:'''Pinocchio''': I don't want to be an actor. Stromboli was terrible!
:'''Honest John''': He was?!
:'''Pinocchio''': Yeah! He locked me in a birdcage!
:'''Honest John''': He did?
:'''Pinocchio''': Uh-huh, but I learned my lesson! I'm goin' home!
:'''Honest John''': Oh, you poor, poor boy! You must be a nervous wreck. ''[He puts his hands in front of Pinocchio's face]'' That's it! You ''are'' a nervous wreck! ''[puts small round doctor's glasses on his muzzle]'' We must diagnose this case at once! Quick, doctor! Your notebook! ''[Gideon pulls out a notepad and a pencil]'' Bless my soul. ''[Honest John pulls on Pinocchio's arm to check his pulse]'' Mmm...mm-hmm! ''[measures Pinocchio's pulse with a ruler]'' My, my...Just as I thought. A slight touch of nolitary complications with bucolic semi-lunar contraptions of the flying trapezes. ''[Gideon writes down what he thinks he said; Honest John presses Pinocchio's nose to hold his head back and uses his glasses as a tongue depressor while he looks into his mouth]'' Mm-hmm...say &quot;hippopotamus&quot;.
:'''Pinocchio''':  Hi-ho-ha-ha-his!
:'''Honest John''': I knew it! Compound transmission in the pandemonium custom in the span frantic disintegration. ''[Gideon writes in the middle of the air]'' Close your eyes. ''[Pinocchio closes his eyes hard]'' What do you see?
:'''Pinocchio''': Nothing.
:'''Honest John''': ''[puts a polka dot handkerchief in front of Pinocchio's face while his eyes are still closed]'' Open them up. ''[Pinocchio does so]'' Now, what do you see?
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[somewhat awed]'' Spots.
:'''Honest John''': Aha! Now, that heart! ''[he yanks up Pinocchio’s shirt, revealing his chest and belly. He lifts the shirt up in front of the puppet’s face, forcing him to lean back slightly with his arms at his sides. Honest John presses his ear against Pinocchio’s chest to listen to his heartbeat, his furry cheek rub against Pinocchio’s bare belly as he speaks]'' OOOH, my goodness! ''[Taps several objects on a windowsill, making a drumbeat to make it sound like Pinocchio’s heart is beating. Pinocchio tries to look over his shirt, eyes wide with concern]'' A palpitating syncopation of the killer-diller with a wicky-wacky stabbing of the floy joy! ''[bonks Gideon's head with his cane]'' Quick, doctor! That report! ''[takes the notepad from a dizzy Gideon and with a look of thoughtfulness, examines the notebook. For a second and then pulls back with a look of shock]'' Oh! ''[the camera reveals that Gideon has written nothing but scribbles on the notepad]'' ''OH'', this makes it perfectly  clear! My boy, you are ''allergic!''
:'''Pinocchio''': Allergic?
:'''Honest John''': Yes, and there is only one cure! A vacation! On Pleasure Island! ''[winks at Gideon]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Pleasure Island?
:'''Honest John''': Yes! That happy land of carefree boys where every day's a holiday!
:'''Pinocchio''': But I can't go. I-
:'''Honest John''': Why, of course you can go! I'm giving you my ticket! ''[produces an Ace of Spades playing card as a &quot;ticket&quot; in his hand and gives it to Pinocchio]'' Here.
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[takes the &quot;ticket&quot;]'' Thanks, but I'm goin'...
:'''Honest John''': Oh, tut, tut, tut! I insist! Your health comes first! Come! The coach departs at midnight! ''[he and Gideon take Pinocchio to the coach to Pleasure Island, singing]'' Hi diddle dee-dee! It's Pleasure Isle for me! Where every day is a holiday and kids have nothing to do but play. Hi diddly doo! If what I hear is true. A land of pudding and marmalade. It's Pleasure Isle for me!
:'''Jiminy''': Pinoke! Oh, Pinoke! Now where do you suppose that he- ''[turns around to see Pinocchio, Honest John, and Gideon disappear around the corner, and runs after them]'' ''Huh?'' Pinocchio! Hey! Come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the coach to Pleasure Island]''
:'''Lampwick''': Ever been to Pleasure Island?
:'''Pinocchio''': Uh-uh. ''[shows Lampwick his &quot;ticket&quot; from Honest John]'' But Mr. Honest John gave me...
:'''Lampwick''': Me, neither, but they say that it's a swell joint! No school, no cops. You can tear the joint apart, and nobody says a word!
:''[The Coachman smiles evilly and cracks his whip again]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Honest John gave me...
:'''Lampwick''': Loaf around, plenty to eat, plenty to drink. And it's all free!
:'''Pinocchio''': Honest John...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lampwick''': ''[eats his roast chicken while Pinocchio takes a lick of his ice cream cone and a bite of his whole pie]'' Oh, boy! A scrap! ''[tosses away his chicken]'' C'mon! Let's go in and poke somebody in the nose!
:'''Pinocchio''': Why?
:'''Lampwick''': Ah, just for the fun of it.
:'''Pinocchio''': Okay, Lampy! ''[tosses away his ice cream cone and pie and strolls into the Roughhouse with Lampwick]''
:'''Lampwick''': ''[strikes a match on the Mona Lisa painting to light his cigar]'' What'd I tell ya? Ain't this a swell joint?
:'''Pinocchio''': Yeah! ''[holds an axe]'' Bein' bad's a lot of fun, ain't it?
:'''Lampwick''': Yeah, uh-huh. Get a load of that stained-glass window. ''[picks up a brick and throws it at the stained glass window, shattering it]''
:''[Meanwhile, back at the entrance, the Coachman turns to his henchmen]''
:'''The Coachman''': Alright, now! ''[cracks his whip]'' Hop to it, you blokes! Come on! Come on! Shut the doors and lock 'em tight! ''[the guards close the wooden doors]'' Now, get below and get the crates ready! Give a bad boy enough rope and he'll soon make a jackass of himself. ''[cackles evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jiminy''': '''PINOCCHIO!!!!''' So, this is where I find you! How do you ever expect to be a real boy?! Look at yourself! Smokin'! ''[pulls the flattened cigar out of Pinocchio's mouth with his umbrella]'' Playin' pool! ''[angrily kicks the #8 ball and painfully stubs his toe]'' OW! You're comin' right home with me this minute!
:'''Lampwick''': Hey, who's the beetle? ''[picks up Jiminy by his coat]''
:'''Jiminy''': Let go! Put me down! ''[voice becomes muffled as he gets wrapped around in his coat]'' Let me outta here! Put me down!
:'''Pinocchio''': He's my conscience. He tells me what's right from wrong.
:'''Lampwick''': ''[drops Jiminy]'' What?!? You mean to tell me you take orders from a grasshopper?!?
:'''Jiminy''': Grasshopper?!? Look here, you...you impudent young pup! It wouldn't hurt you to take orders from ''your'' grasshopper… Uh, ''your'' conscience! If you had one!
:'''Lampwick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. ''[strikes the #9 ball into the ball Jiminy is standing on]'' Screwball in the corner pocket.
:''[Jiminy is knocked into a hole by the #1 ball, the other ball goes in, too; when Jiminy lands in the ball pit, he runs out of the way of the #8 ball, that hits the other balls; Lampwick cracks up laughing]''
:'''Jiminy''': ''[angrily climbs out of hole]'' Why, you...you young hoodlum! ''[furiously takes off his coat]'' I'll...I'll knock your block off! ''[punches the air; Lampwick laughs harder]'' I'll take you apart and put you back together!
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[holds Jiminy back by his vest]'' Oh, don't hurt him, Jiminy. He's my best friend.
:'''Jiminy''': Why, I oughtta...huh?! Your best friend?! And what am I!?! Just your conscience! ''[angrily storms away]'' OK! That settles it! ''[furiously picks up his suit and angrily squashes his top hat real flat]''
:'''Pinocchio''': But, Jiminy...
:'''Jiminy''': You buttered your bread! Now, sleep in it! ''[angrily puts his suit coat on backward and accidentally falls down a pool hole again to hit the balls and falls over again; Lampwick laughs even harder; angrily mocks Lampwick's laughter]'' Ha, ha, ha! Go on! Laugh! Make a jackass out of yourself! I'm through. This is the end. ''[furiously storms out the bar]''
:'''Pinocchio''': But, Jiminy, Lampwick says a guy only lives once.
:'''Jiminy''': Lampwick!? ''[scoffs]'' Hmph.
:'''Lampwick''': Come on, come on! Give him a break. Let him go. ''[pours some beer into a couple steins]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Meanwhile, Jiminy is storming out of Pleasure Island]''
:'''Jiminy''': Lampwick? Huh... LAMPWICK! ''[kicks a smoked cigar, making the ashes fly everywhere]'' Burns me up. After all I tried to do for him. ''[goes through the inside of an open book, and comes out by ripping and tearing some pages]'' Who's his conscience, anyway? ''[gets tangled in the leg by a ribbon, and shakes it off]'' Me, or that... that hoodlum Lampwick? I've had enough of this. I'm takin' the next boat outta here. ''[raps on the door with his umbrella handle]'' Open up that door. Open up! I wanna go home!
:''[Jiminy hears donkeys braying on the other side of the door and slips under the door. There, he finds the Coachman and his henchman loading frightened little donkeys into crates and onto the boat]''
:'''The Coachman''': C'mon, you blokes! Keep it moving. Lively there now! We haven't got all night!
:'''Jiminy''': ''[scratches his head]'' Where'd all the donkeys come from?
:'''The Coachman''': Come on, come on! Let's have another! ''[one of his henchmen pulls a donkey dressed in a police uniform toward him]'' And what's your name?
:'''Donkey''': Hee-haw!
:'''The Coachman''': Okay, you'll do! ''[tears the police uniform off the donkey and kicks him in the rear end, throwing him into a crate with five others]'' In you go! You boys will bring a nice price. ''[chuckles evilly]'' Alright! Next! ''[another donkey, who is dressed in a sailor suit is thrown toward him]'' And what might ''your'' name be?
:'''Alexander''': Alexander.
:'''The Coachman''': Hmm, so you can talk.
:'''Alexander''': Y-yes, sir. I wanna go home to my mama!
:'''The Coachman''': Take him back! He can still talk! ''[snatches Alexander and throws him into a pen with six other donkeys that can still talk and still wear boys' clothing]''
:'''Alexander''': ''[then begins to protest by pleading and begging for mercy]'' Please, please. I DON’T WANNA BE A DONKEY! ''[the others protest by begging and pleading for mercy]'' '''''LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! '''''
:'''The Coachman''': ''[comes forward toward the donkeys, and cracks his whip furiously, scaring the donkeys, causing them to jump, and forcing them to calm down]'' '''''QUIET!!!!''''' You boys have had your fun. Now, pay for it.
:'''Jiminy''': Boys?! So ''that's'' what… PINOCCHIO! ''[quickly dashes back to the pool hall to warn Pinocchio about what has happened to the boys]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lampwick''': Hmph! To hear that beetle talk… ''[Takes a sip of his beer]'' You’d think something was gonna happen to us. ''[Suddenly, his ears turn into brown donkey ears. Pinocchio pushes his mug of beer away]'' Conscience. Ah, phooey! ''[As he leans across the pool table to shoot another ball, a donkey tail pops out from the back of his pants. Pinocchio, still shocked, takes the cigar out of his mouth and throws it away]'' Where does he get all that stuff? “How do you ever expect to be a real boy?” ''[He shoots another ball and picks up his cigar when his face turns brown]'' What’s he think I look like? ''[Turns around and shows that his face is now a donkey’s head]'' A jackass? ''[He puts his cigar in his mouth]''
:'''Pinocchio''': You sure do! ''[Laughs, but his laughter suddenly turns into a donkey’s bray, and causes him to cover his mouth in horror]''
:'''Lampwick''': Hey, you laugh like a donkey. ''[He laughs, but then his laughter turns into a bray, too, and allows him to cover his mouth to stop in shock]'' Did that come out of me? ''[Pinocchio nods yes nervously. Lampwick feels a muzzle on his face and gasps and feels his ears]'' Huh? ''[feels nothing but fur and tugs at his ears and looks at them]'' What the…? What’s goin’ on?! ''[Looks at his reflection in the mirror and sees that he is turning into a donkey and screams in terror as soon as he realizes what’s happening and runs around in panic]'' I’ve been double-crossed! Help! Help! Somebody, help! I’ve been framed! ''[Gets on his knees and begs to Pinocchio for mercy to help]'' Help! Please, you've gotta help me. Oh, be a pal. ''[Grabs Pinocchio by his overall straps and shakes him up and down]'' Call that beetle. Call anybody! ''[Just then, his hands let go of Pinocchio, and turn into hooves, and paw at Pinocchio to hurt him as he gasps and backs away, scared]'' Mama?!! MAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ''[In the shadow cast upon the wall, Lampwick is forced onto all fours and, having fully been turned into a donkey, starts kicking, braying wildly, stamping around the room, and knocking over tables and chairs. As Pinocchio panics and runs away to hide a chair, he suddenly grows two gray donkey ears when Lampwick leaves, braying wildly]''
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh! What’s happening?!?
:''[Jiminy rushes to the rescue]''
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': I hope I'm not too late.
:'''Pinocchio''': What--? What will I do!?!!
:''[Pinocchio springs out a donkey's tail, which rips a hole in the seat of his pants, and when he turns around, he grabs its end, and gasps in fear]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pinocchio, having heard that Geppetto is alive after getting swallowed by Monstro, takes off to save him]''
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': ''[following after Pinocchio]'' Hey, where are ya goin'?
:'''Pinocchio''': I'm going to find him!
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': But, Pinoke, are you crazy?! Do you not realize that he's inside a whale?!
:'''Pinocchio''': I gotta go to him!
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': Hey, Pinoke! Wait! Listen here, Son! ''[Pinocchio keeps going straight to a high cliff overlooking the ocean in the morning, with Jiminy following all the way]'' But this Monstro, I've heard of him; he's a whale of a whale! ''[Pinocchio starts tying a rock to his donkey tail]'' Why, he swallows whole ships alive! ''[then helps tie Pinocchio's tail to the rock completely]'' Tie it good and tight, now. And besides, it's dangerous! Why, I-
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[extends a hand for a handshake from Jiminy]'' Good-bye, Jiminy.
:'''Jiminy Cricket''': Good-bye? I may be live bait down there, but I'm with ya! C'mon, Pinoke. ''[hops onto the rock and holds his nose]'' Let's go. ''[screams as they jump down from high off the cliff]'' LOOK OUT BELO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OWW! ''[they plunge into the ocean with a gigantic splash, and the rock attached to Pinocchio's tail drags them to the ocean floor]'' Gangway down there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Geppetto''': Is that the last of them?! Here's a big one! Only a few left! Gotta work fast! Here's another one!
:'''Pinocchio''': Hey! Hey, Father! Father!
:'''Geppetto''': Don't bother me now, Pinocchio! I'm bus- ''[surprised]'' Pinocchio?
:'''Pinocchio''': Father!
:'''Geppetto''': ''[joyfully hugging one of the fish to think it's Pinocchio]'' Pinocchio, my son!
:'''Pinocchio''': Hey, Father. Here I am.
:'''Geppetto''': Oh. ''[drops the fish in the water, and Pinocchio leaps to his father for a big hug]'' Pinocchio, my boy! I'm so happy to see you.
:'''Pinocchio''': Me, too, Father. ''[Figaro climbs on Geppetto's head, causing his glasses to fall off]'' Figaro. Aw, Figaro. Cleo. Oh, Cleo. You're here, too. ''[rubs Cleo's belly with his finger]''
:'''Geppetto''': Yes. We're all together again. ''[Pinocchio sneezes]'' Oh, You are soaking wet.
:'''Pinocchio''': Yes, Father.
:'''Geppetto''': You mustn't catch cold.
:'''Pinocchio''': But I came to save you.
:'''Geppetto''': ''[grabs the blanket and wraps around Pinocchio]'' You know that you shouldn't have come down here, but I'm awfully glad to see you. Let me take your hat off. ''[removes Pinocchio's hat, then gasps in major shock as he notices Pinocchio has donkey ears]'' Pinocchio!
:'''Pinocchio''': What's the matter?
:'''Geppetto''': ''[makes donkey's ears from his fingers]'' Those ears!
:'''Pinocchio''': Huh, ears? Oh, these. Oh, that's nothing. ''[twirls his donkey tail]'' I got a tail, too! ''[laughs, then accidentally brays like a donkey and covers his mouth in shock which causes Figaro to jump backwards into Cleo's bowl]''
:'''Geppetto''': Pinocchio! What's ''happened'' to you?
:'''Pinocchio''': Well, I-I-
:'''Geppetto''': Oh, never mind that. ''[hugs Pinocchio]'' Old Geppetto has his little wooden head. ''[they touch noses]'' Nothing else matters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Geppetto''': ''[sobbing]'' My boy. ''[sobs]'' My brave little boy. ''[continues sobbing softly]''
:''[The light of the Blue Fairy shines on Pinocchio's body]''
:'''Blue Fairy''': ''[voice heard]'' Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish. And someday, you'll be a real boy. ''[transforms Pinocchio into a real boy, and revives him]'' Awake, Pinocchio. Awake.
:'''Pinocchio''': ''[waking up, alive and rubs his eyes]'' Father! Whatcha crying for?
:'''Geppetto''': ''[not realizing that Pinocchio is alive]'' Because you're dead, Pinocchio.
:'''Pinocchio''': No! No, I'm not.
:'''Geppetto''': Yes. Yes, you are. Now lie down.
:'''Pinocchio''': But, Father, I'm alive. See? ''[moves his hand]'' And...And I'm...I'm...real. I'm a real boy!
:'''Geppetto''': You're alive! And, you ''are'' a real boy! A real, live boy! 
:''[Figaro, happy, too, jumps into Cleo’s fishbowl and kisses her on the lips]''
:'''Geppetto''': This calls for a celebration! ''[swings all the pendulums on the cuckoo clocks and turns on a music box]'' Professor, lots of music! ''[He plays an accordion as he and Pinocchio dance around the workshop as Figaro dances around Cleo's fishbowl on the workbench]''

== About ''Pinocchio'' (1940 film) ==
* On ''Pinocchio'', you mentioned something about pilot animation, and supervising animation. Finch's book [''The Art of Walt Disney''] is wrong on that—it depends on who you interview. Everyone has his own little thing, and I think that the tendency among all these guys is to make themselves as important as they possibly can. I think Frank Thomas and Freddy Moore and I don't know who else were involved in experimenting around with ''Pinocchio''. Maybe Ollie Johnston, but Johnston was kind of coming up then. So was I, really. I was quite critical of ... I have a knack for alienating people by being a little bit outspoken, and they were rather obsessed with the idea of this boy being a wooden puppet. My God, they even had this midget who did the voice for &quot;call for Phillip Morris&quot; as the voice for a while, and it was terrible. I was rather outspoken about it. Why didn't they forget that he was a puppet and get a cute little boy, you can always draw the wooden joints and make him a wooden puppet afterwards. And Ham Luske said, &quot;Well, why don't you do something about it, do a scene,&quot; and I did one. What I don't remember is whether they had a new voice by then or not. Probably they did have; I don't know. I did a scene of Jiminy Cricket underwater, knocking on a shell of an oyster, saying, &quot;Uh, pardon me, pearl. Are you acquainted with Monstro the Whale?&quot; The shell closed up and caused a swell in the current, which affected Jiminy. I made kind of a cute little boy out of him, and Walt loved it; this was actually my big chance. It was my move into being one of the top animators.
** Milt Kahl [http://www.michaelbarrier.com/Interviews/Kahl/Kahl.html ''Michael Barrier'']

==Taglines==
*Disney's all-time family classic is back ...No strings attached! [1987 re-release Australia]
*[[Walt Disney]]'s Full Length FEATURE Production Pinocchio In Multiplane TECHNICOLOR
*For The Young In Heart Of Every Age ! !
*All The Magic Of Snow White - Yet so excitingly different ! ! !
*A masterpiece of animation . . . a burst of fun and adventure [1985 Australian re-release]
*...makes no difference who you are, you'll love [[Walt Disney]]'s Pinocchio [1978 re-release]
*Jiminy Cricket - what a show!
*So wonderful you'll want to see it again! [1945 re-release]
*[[Walt Disney]]'s original classic that taught the world to Wish Upon A Star.
*Pure enjoyment... with no strings attached. [1984 re-release]
*For anyone who has ever wished upon a star.
*The Wonder Tale The Whole World Loves!
*For the happiest time of your life! [1962 re-release]
*The story the whole world loves.
*When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.

==Cast==
*[[w:Dickie Jones|Dickie Jones]] — Pinocchio and Alexander
*[[w:Cliff Edwards|Cliff Edwards]] — Jiminy Cricket
*[[w:Christian Rub|Christian Rub]] — Geppetto
*[[w:Walter Catlett|Walter Catlett]] — J. Worthington Foulfellow
*[[w:Mel Blanc|Mel Blanc]] — Gideon
*[[w:Charles Judels|Charles Judels]] — Stromboli and Coachman
*[[w:Barbara Luddy|Barbara Luddy]] — Cleo
*[[w:Evelyn Venable|Evelyn Venable]] — The Blue Fairy
*[[w:Frankie Darro|Frankie Darro]] — Lampwick
*[[w:Don Brodie|Don Brodie]], [[w:Stuart Buchanan|Stuart Buchanan]], and [[w:John McLeish|John McLeish]] — Carnival Barkers
*[[w:Clarence Nash|Clarence Nash]] — Figaro, The Roughhouse Statue and Donkeys
*[[w:Thurl Ravenscroft|Thurl Ravenscroft]] — Monstro
*[[w:Marion Darlington|Marion Darlington]] — The birds

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0032910|title=Pinocchio}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1016342-pinocchio|title=Pinocchio}}

[[Category:1940 films]]
[[Category:1940s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]]
[[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]]
[[Category:Films about wish fulfillment]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about disability]]
[[Category:The Walt Disney Company]]
[[Category:Disney's Pinocchio]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>108887</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607297</id>
      <parentid>3587397</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:50:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:447:C601:4CD0:A881:5FC4:39A4:1652</ip>
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      <text bytes="4944" sha1="ff4tmf4czz8tbj69oenudmsahpxqxuj" xml:space="preserve">{{Power Rangers header}}
'''''[[w:Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie|Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]''''' (also known as '''''Power Rangers: The Movie''''') is a [[w:1995 in film|1995]] American action film based on ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]]'' on Fox Kids, the first series in the Power Rangers franchise.
:''Directed by [[w:Bryan Spicer|Bryan Spicer]]. Written by John Kamps and Arne Olsen.

{{center|'''The power is on.'''}}

==Billy Cranston==
* You know the funny thing about morphin'? You don't appreciate it till you can't do it anymore!

==Ivan Ooze== 
*What is that odious stench? Smells like teenagers.
*Oh, I love snow globes!
*Hi, honey! I'm home!

==Rita Repulsa==
*What do I care about some stupid egg?  Well, I say we hard-boil that thing!
*What?!  You spent 2,000 years looking for a tub of snot?!
*He's so handsome!
*Finally, a ''real'' man!
*I can't believe it!  How could he let them slip through his hands?  He's no better than the rest of the hired help around here!
*I thought you said this guy was the master of disaster!  He's nothing but a slime-infested jelly donut!

==Lord Zedd==
*Way to go, bonehead!  It's getting so you can't trust anyone in this galaxy!

==Dialogue==

:''[Ivan surveys the Command Center]''
:'''Ivan''': Gee. Pretty fancy schmancy. I guess if you invest your money well for over 60 centuries, you can buy something pretty nice.
:''[Alpha whacks him in the midsection, but Ivan only burps]''
:'''Alpha''': Uh-oh.
:''[Ivan laughs and zaps Alpha out of his way]''
:'''Zordon''': You haven't changed, Ooze. You're still picking on creatures smaller than yourself.
:'''Ivan''': Aw, put a sock in it, Z. 10 minutes outta the egg, and I'm already listening to one of your lectures. You locked me into your stuffy, little hyper lock chamber and tossed me away in the depths like yesterday's trash! You any idea what it's like to be locked up in a rotten egg for 6,000 years?! It's boring! Not to mention, I've had a charley horse since the Renaissance.
:'''Zordon''': You won't get away with this, Ooze.
:'''Ivan''': You robbed me of my prime! I was the supreme ruler of the most foul empire in the universe! And now, it's time to pay the piper.
:''[he plays a quick tune on his flute, then proceeds zapping the Command Center]''
:'''Ivan''': All the things that I have missed: The Black Plague! The Spanish Inquisition! The ''Brady Bunch'' reunion!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Adam''': Welcome to Jurassic Park.
:'''Aisha''': Very funny, Adam.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': We were told there was a great power here. Is it true?
:'''Dulcea''': Yes. The ground is littered with the bones of those who have tried for it and failed.
:'''Tommy''': Well, we're different. We won't fail.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Ivan's Tengu Warriors report on their battle with the Rangers at Phados]''
:'''Ivan''': So, they've all been destroyed?
:'''Tengu''': Well, we were about to destroy them, but...
:'''Ivan''': What?! You didn't kill them? You call yourselves Tengu Warriors?! You're more like Tengu turkeys! I should have you all stuffed and roasted!
:'''Tengu''': But, master, there was this monster with these huge sticks! It kept twirling them around.
:'''Ivan''': Sticks? Did these sticks have a whistling sound?
:'''Tengu''': Well, it was more like nails on a chalkboard.
:'''Ivan''': Dulcea. That miserable, manipulating, loathsome she-devil of a witch! If she leads them to the great power, everything will be ruined!
:'''Tengu''': D'you want us to take another whack at it?
:'''Ivan''': How about taking another ''quack'' at it?!
:''[he zaps his Tengu, leaving nothing but black feathers]''
:'''Ivan''': No time to waste. My Ectomorphicon machines must be unearthed by sundown!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[the Ape Zord attempts to strangle Hornitor]''
:'''Aisha''': Hang in there, Rocky!
:'''Rocky''': Oh, I'm hangin'! I'm hangin'!

==Cast==
*[[w:Jason David Frank|Jason David Frank]] - Tommy Oliver: The White Ranger 
*[[w:Steve Cardenas|Steve Cardenas]] - Rocky DeSantos: The Red Ranger 
*[[w:Johnny Yong Bosch|Johnny Yong Bosch]] - Adam Park: The Black Ranger 
*[[w:David Yost|David Yost]] - Billy Cranston: The Blue Ranger 
*[[w:Karan Ashley|Karan Ashley]] - Aisha Campbell: The Yellow Ranger 
*[[w:Amy Jo Johnson|Amy Jo Johnson]] - Kimberly Hart: The Pink Ranger
*[[w:Paul Freeman (actor)|Paul Freeman]] - Ivan Ooze
*Julia Cortez - Rita Repulsa
*[[w:Barbara Goodson|Barbara Goodson]] - Rita Repulsa (voice)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113820/ ''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie'' at IMDB]

{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie''}}

[[Category:1995 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Martial arts films]]
[[Category:Films based on television series]]
[[Category:Power Rangers]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]
[[Category:Films about magic]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Cancer</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>109369</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607291</id>
      <parentid>3591411</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:44:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* R */ [[RFK Jr]]:  Wi-Fi causes cancer and &quot;leaky brain”</comment>
      <origin>3607291</origin>
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      <text bytes="27189" sha1="g484fkdw3xdv4omfi4pua5njyrmpeg1" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Cancer|Cancer]]''' is a class of [[w:disease|diseases]] in which a group of [[w:cell (biology)|cells]] display uncontrolled growth.

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}} 
== Quotes ==

===A===
[[File:First medical X-ray by Wilhelm Röntgen of his wife Anna Bertha Ludwig's hand - 18951222.jpg|thumb|The fact that the general incidence of [[w:Leukemia|leukemia]] has doubled in the last two decades may be due, partly, to the increasing use of [[w:X-rays|x-rays]] for numerous purposes. The incidence of leukemia in [[doctors]], who are likely to be so exposed, is twice that of the general public. In [[w:Radiologists|radiologists]] … the incidence is ten times greater. ~ [[Isaac Asimov]]]]
* [[Growth]] for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
** [[Edward Abbey]], ''The Journey Home: Some Words in Defense of the American West''. Plume: New York. 1991. Pg 183.

* We &quot;need&quot; cancer because, by the very fact of its incurability, it makes all other diseases, however virulent, not cancer.  
** [[w:Gilbert Adair|Gilbert Adair]], journalist and film critic, &quot;Under the Sign of Cancer,&quot; ''Myths and Memories'', 1986.
 
* The fact that the general incidence of [[w:Leukemia|leukemia]] has doubled in the last two decades may be due, partly, to the increasing use of [[w:X-rays|x-rays]] for numerous purposes. The incidence of leukemia in [[doctors]], who are likely to be so exposed, is twice that of the general public. In [[w:Radiologists|radiologists]] … the incidence is ten times greater. 
** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1965) as quoted in ''Isaac Asimov’s Book of Science and Nature Quotations'' (1988), 233. 

* Writer Perry Brass was diagnosed with [[w:Prostate cancer|prostate cancer]] in March 2016. Three months later he had a [[w:Radical prostatectomy|radical prostatectomy]], removing his entire [[w:Prostate|prostate]]. Brass, then 68, was lucky: He lives in [[New York City]], home to top-notch [[doctors]] and a medical community more informed about [[LGBTQ]] health. &lt;br&gt; “I’ve been a [[w:LGBT social movements|gay activist]] — and been out — so long that I took it for granted I could talk openly to my doctors,” he told NBC News. But even he was unprepared for the side effects. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Your [[w:Sex drive|sex drive]] can take a nosedive,&quot; Brass said, adding that prostate cancer can also lead to [[w:Erectile dysfunction|erectile dysfunction]]. &quot;You’re experiencing ED, but that doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing sexual attraction,&quot; he said. &lt;br&gt; About 20 percent of patients treated with radiation experience irradiated [[w:Bowels|bowels]], which can make receptive [[w:Anal sex|anal sex]] painful or even impossible. Treatment can also affect [[w:Penis size|penis size]], ability to [[w:Ejaculation|ejaculate]], experience of [[w:Orgasm|orgasm]] and [[w:Urinary continence|urinary continence]] during [[sex]]. Brass’ said his sexual function was relatively good, but instead he struggled with incontinence for weeks — using as many as nine “pads” a day and staying within yards of a [[w:Bathroom|bathroom]] at all times.
** Dan Avery, [https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/when-it-comes-prostate-cancer-gay-men-are-erased-patients-n929686 “When it comes to prostate cancer, 'gay men are erased,' patients say“], ''NBC News'', (Nov. 1, 2018). 

* A professor at the [[w:University of Minnesota School of Public Health|University of Minnesota School of Public Health]], Rosser has received a $3 million grant from the [[w:National Cancer Institute|National Cancer Institute]] to put together the first comprehensive rehabilitation program specifically for gay and bisexual men with prostate cancer. But he’s not just a researcher — he’s a survivor himself, diagnosed last year at age 59. And he’s keenly aware of how little information is available for men like him. &lt;br&gt; “When my [[husband]] was diagnosed and had a radical prostatectomy, we reached out for help,&quot; Rosser said. &quot;We were amazed to see how little was out there. I realized there were no studies, no research. It was a neglected area.” &lt;br&gt; But it wasn’t institutionalized [[homophobia]], Rosser stressed. “Our efforts were focused on battling [[HIV]], keeping [[young]] men alive. Frankly the older guys were secondary.” &lt;br&gt; When it comes to cancer, [[w:Urology|urologists]] and [[w:Oncology|oncologists]] — even [[wives]] — are laser-focused on [[survival]], according to Rosser. But he said when it comes to male patients, &quot;studies show again and again that quality of life is equally important.&quot; And, he added, &quot;a big part of [[w:Quality of life|quality of life]] is [[w:Urinary continence|urinary continence]] and [[w:Sexual function|sexual function]].”
** Dan Avery, [https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/when-it-comes-prostate-cancer-gay-men-are-erased-patients-n929686 “When it comes to prostate cancer, 'gay men are erased,' patients say“], ''NBC News'', (Nov. 1, 2018). 

===B===
* In the [[United States]], prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed non–skin cancer and the second leading cause of cancer death. The [[w:American Cancer Society|American Cancer Society]] estimates that 241 740 American men will be diagnosed with the disease and 28 170 men will die of it in 2012. Prostate cancer demographics have changed dramatically over the past 30 years. 
** Otis W. Brawley, [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3540881/ “Trends in Prostate Cancer in the United States”], J Natl Cancer Inst Monogr. 2012 Sep; 2012(45): 152–156. 

===C===
* [[w:Campbell White|Campbell White]], of [[New York]], was the first person to employ [[w:Refrigerants|refrigerants]] for medical use. He reported his success in 1899, advocating liquid [[air]] for the treatment of a large range of conditions including [[w:Lupus erythematous|lupus erythematosus]], [[w:Herpes zoster|herpes zoster]], [[w:Chancroid|chancroid]], [[w:Naevi|naevi]], [[w:Warts|warts]], [[w:Varicose leg ulcer|varicose leg ulcers]], [[w:Carbuncle|carbuncles]] and [[w:Epithelioma|epitheliomas]] He recognized the efficiency of liquid air in the treatment of [[w:Carcinoma|carcinoma]]' and enthusiastically stated `I can truly say today that I believe that epithelioma, treated early in its existence by liquid air, will always be cured'. &lt;br&gt; Whitehouse reviewed the effects of liquid air on normal [[skin]], finding it to be especially useful for [[w:Epitheliomata|epitheliomata]], [[w:Lupus|lupus]] [[w:Erythematosus|erythematosus]] and [[w:Vascular naevi|vascular naevi]]. He stated that liquid air `outranks some of the remedies on which we have placed great reliance'. He treated recurrences of epitheliomata after [[w:Radiotherapy|radiotherapy]] and found liquid air to be more successful than repeat radiotherapy. 
** S M Cooper, and R P R Dawber, [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1281398/ “The history of cryosurgery”], ''J R Soc Med'', 2001 Apr; 94(4): 196–201. 

* Allington is generally thought to have been first to use [[w:Liquid nitrogen|liquid nitrogen]], in 195017. He recognized that the properties of liquid nitrogen were very similar to those of liquid air and oxygen. After the Second World War, liquid nitrogen became freely available and was preferable to liquid oxygen with its explosive potential. He used a cotton swab for treating various benign lesions but poor heat transfer between swab and skin meant this method was insufficient for tumour treatment. &lt;br&gt; The contribution of Dr [[w:Irving S Cooper| Irving S Cooper]] to [[w:Cryosurgery|cryosurgery]] was immense. An American neurosurgeon based in New York, in 1913 he designed a liquid nitrogen probe that was capable of achieving temperatures of -196°C. With it he treated Parkinson's disease and other movement disorders by freezing the thalamus, in addition to previously inoperable brain tumours.
** S M Cooper, and R P R Dawber, [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1281398/ “The history of cryosurgery”], ''J R Soc Med'', 2001 Apr; 94(4): 196–201. 

===H===
* The rate of people dying from cancer in the [[United States]] seems to have dropped steadily for 25 years, a new study says, but disparities remain between the [[rich]] and the [[poor]]. &lt;br&gt; The overall nationwide cancer death rate fell continuously from 1991 to 2016 by a total of 27%, according to a study by the [[w:American Cancer Society|American Cancer Society]], published Tuesday in CA: A Cancer Journal for Clinicians. &lt;br&gt; That translates to about 2.6 million fewer cancer deaths total than would have been expected if death rates stayed at their peak, which was seen in 1991, according to the study. &lt;br&gt; &quot;The continued decline in the cancer death rate over the past 25 years is really good news and was a little bit of a surprise, only because the other leading causes of death in the US are starting to flatten. So we've been wondering if that's going to happen for cancer as well, but so far it hasn't,&quot; said Rebecca Siegel, first author of the study and strategic director of surveillance information at the American Cancer Society.
** Jacqueline Howard, [https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/08/health/cancer-death-rate-decline-us-study/index.html “US cancer death rate hits 25 years of decline, study says”], ''CNN'', updated (January 8, 2019).

* &quot;The [[racial]] gap in cancer [[mortality]] is continuing to narrow -- so it was that the cancer death rate in blacks was 33% higher than in whites in the mid-1990s, and the current data now indicate it's 14% higher -- so it's still higher, but the gap is narrowing, which is really good news,&quot; Siegel said. &lt;br&gt; However, the data also revealed a potentially troubling trend: a growing gap in death rates based on wealth. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It was surprising to see that the disparities by [[w:Socioeconomic status|socioeconomic status]] are actually widening,&quot; Siegel said. &quot;[[Wealth]] causes differences in exposure to risk factors and also access to high-quality cancer prevention, early detection and treatment.&quot; &lt;br&gt; For instance, between 2012 and 2016, the overall cancer death rate was about 20% higher among people living in the poorest counties in the United States compared with those in the most affluent counties -- and socioeconomic inequalities in cancer mortality widened over the past three decades overall, according to the study.
** Jacqueline Howard, [https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/08/health/cancer-death-rate-decline-us-study/index.html “US cancer death rate hits 25 years of decline, study says”], ''CNN'', updated (January 8, 2019).

===K===
[[File:Smoke-by-a-window-in-a-pub.jpg|thumb|The [[air]] we [[breathe]] is laced with cancer-causing substances and is being officially classified as carcinogenic to humans, the [[w:World Health Organization|World Health Organization]]'s cancer agency said on Thursday. ~ Kate Kelland and Stephanie Nebehay]]
* The [[air]] we [[breathe]] is laced with cancer-causing substances and is being officially classified as carcinogenic to humans, the World Health Organization's cancer agency said on Thursday. &lt;br&gt; The [[w:International Agency for Research on Cancer|International Agency for Research on Cancer]] (IARC) cited data indicating that in 2010, 223,000 deaths from lung cancer worldwide resulted from [[w:Air pollution|air pollution]], and said there was also convincing evidence it increases the risk of [[w:Bladder cancer|bladder cancer]]. Depending on the level of exposure in different parts of the world, the risk was found to be similar to that of breathing in [[w:Passive smoking|second-hand tobacco smoke]], Kurt Straif, head of the agency's section that ranks carcinogens, told reporters in Geneva. 
** Kate Kelland and Stephanie Nebehay, [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/air-pollution-a-leading-cause-of-ca/  “Air Pollution Is a Leading Cause of Cancer”], ''Scientific American'', October 17, 2013

* Thirty years ago, cancer research was about doing more, not less. In one sobering example, women with advanced breast cancer were pushed to the brink of death with massive doses of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants. The approach didn’t work any better than chemotherapy and patients suffered. &lt;br&gt; Now, in a quest to optimize cancer care, researchers are asking: “Do we need all that treatment that we have used in the past?” &lt;br&gt; It’s a question, “that should be asked over and over again,” said Dr. Tatjana Kolevska, medical director for the [[w:Kaiser Permanente|Kaiser Permanente]] National Cancer Excellence Program, who was not involved in the new research.
** Tatjana Kolevska as quoted by the Associated Press [https://www.nbcnews.com/health/cancer/cancer-patients-often-better-less-intensive-treatment-study-shows-rcna155158 “Cancer patients often do better with less intensive treatment, research shows”], ''NBC News'', (June 3, 2024)

* This was a case of very aggressive tumor growth with very rapid tumor spread throughout the body, which occurred repeatedly a few months after the corona vaccination.
** Ute Krüger, [https://www.berliner-zeitung.de/open-source/corona-impfstoffe-pathologin-warnt-diese-mrna-technik-ist-nicht-ausreichend-getestet-li.2259438 Pathologin warnt vor Corona-Impfstoffen: „Diese mRNA-Technik ist nicht ausreichend getestet“], 3 October 2024

===L===
* There is no devil mocking you. God didn’t give you cancer to punish you. Colon cancer has come to you through a combination of losing the genetic lottery, cosmic rays, and perhaps too much bacon in your younger days.
** [[Jay Lake|Jay Lake]], ''The Cancer Catechism'' (2011), reprinted in ''Last Plane to Heaven,'' &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|978-0-7653-7798-2}}, &lt;/small&gt; p. 315

===M===
[[File:Radiation_therapy.jpg|thumb|Even though IR is a well-known genotoxic agent and human carcinogen, it is also widely used to effectively diagnose and treat cancer (Little, 1999, 2000; Pollack et al., 2000; Roof et al., 2003; De Potter et al., 2006; Erven and Van Limbergen, 2007). Since 1902 when the first radiation-induced cancer was reported (Little, 2000, 2003), and almost 100 years after radiation was used for the first time to treat tumors (Gramegna, 1909), it still remains the number one diagnostic and treatment tool for the majority of cancers (Pollack et al., 2000; Roof et al., 2003; De Potter et al., 2006; Erven and Van Limbergen, 2007). ~ Matt Merrifield and Olga Kovalchuk]]
* [[American military]] veterans of the “war on terror” are nearly 100 times more likely to develop some form of cancer than they are to be [[w:Killed in action|killed in action]]. Whereas the war on terror claimed over 7,000 lives of U.S. military personnel, more than 500,000 active-duty soldiers have been diagnosed with cancer over the past two decades. Due to exposure to toxic chemicals found in [[w:Ordinance|ordnance]], [[w:Burn pit|burn pits]], [[w:Combat operations|combat operations]] in countries and regions with lax environmental restrictions, or some combination of all three, cancer or chronic illness stemming from deployments is endemic to veterans returning home over the past two decades.
** Michael Venutolo-Mantovani, [https://newrepublic.com/article/170975/veterans-cancer-crisis-war-terror “The War on Terror Created a Cancer Crisis. These Vets Are Trying to Fight Back.”], ''The New Republic'', (March 21, 2023)

* Motivated by the near-complete lack of [[information]] on post-[[9/11]] veterans, HunterSeven set out to uncover and make known as much data as possible, hoping to draw links between service and illness. Almost immediately, the foundation was flooded by veterans reaching out with their own stories of illness and the walls they had to breach in an effort to find care. Comprised of a small group of volunteers, all of whom work in the medical field, HunterSeven has undertaken extensive clinical research, using data to continue to draw lines between post-9/11 deployments and incidences of cancer and other deadly illnesses, as those connections are essential to ensure the government provides post-service care. &lt;br&gt; One of the organization’s biggest research discoveries has highlighted the discrepancies in cancer rates between branches. [[United States Air Force|Air Force]] veterans who served on active duty are more likely to be diagnosed with cancer when compared not only to their age-adjusted civilian population but also to every other branch of service. Meanwhile, [[United States Marine Corps|Marines]], despite having the highest exposures to combat, had the lowest risk ratio for cancer diagnosis. Simoni said that as much as this data likely has something to do with exposure to work on flight lines, with jet fuels and the like, it is more likely a corollary to the average career span of an Air Force member being 12 to 16 years longer than that of a Marine. The more time in the service, the more years spent exposed to potentially toxic materials.
** Michael Venutolo-Mantovani, [https://newrepublic.com/article/170975/veterans-cancer-crisis-war-terror “The War on Terror Created a Cancer Crisis. These Vets Are Trying to Fight Back.”], ''The New Republic'', (March 21, 2023)

* Even though IR is a well-known genotoxic agent and human carcinogen, it is also widely used to effectively diagnose and treat cancer (Little, 1999, 2000; Pollack et al., 2000; Roof et al., 2003; De Potter et al., 2006; Erven and Van Limbergen, 2007). Since 1902 when the first radiation-induced cancer was reported (Little, 2000, 2003), and almost 100 years after radiation was used for the first time to treat tumors (Gramegna, 1909), it still remains the number one diagnostic and treatment tool for the majority of cancers (Pollack et al., 2000; Roof et al., 2003; De Potter et al., 2006; Erven and Van Limbergen, 2007). While modern cancer radiation therapy has led to increased patient survival rates, the risk of treatment-related deleterious effects, including secondary cancers, is becoming a growing clinical problem (Leone et al., 1999). Relatively recent findings suggest that even fairly low doses of IR, such as those used in diagnostic procedures (e.g., X-ray or computer tomography), can lead to the development of radiation-induced cancers (Preston-Martin et al., 1989; Doody et al., 2000; Liu et al., 2002; Brenner and Hall, 2004). This risk of developing secondary treatment-related cancers is even more pronounced in children and young adults who received either diagnostic or therapeutic exposure to IR (Hildreth et al., 1989; Infante-Rivard et al., 2000; Hall, 2002; Shu et al., 2002; Kleinerman, 2006).
** Matt Merrifield and Olga Kovalchuk, [https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fgene.2013.00040/full “Epigenetics in radiation biology: a new research frontier”], ''Front. Genet.'', (04 April 2013).

===N===
*'''[[w:Green Arrow|Green Arrow]]''': That's [[right]], [[Green Lantern|Lantern]]... [[apologize]]. [[w:Groveling|Grovel]] in front of [[w:Guardians of the Universe|that walking mummy]]. You call yourself a '''[[hero]]'''! Chum, you don't even qualify as a '''[[man]]'''. You're no more than a [[puppet]]... and the Guardians pull your strings. [[Listen]]... [[forget]] about chasing around the [[galaxy]]! And [[remember]] [[America]]. It's a [[good]] [[country]]... [[beautiful]]... [[fertile]]... and terribly [[sick]]! There are [[children]] [[dying]], [[honest]] [[people]] [[cowering]] in [[fear]], [[disillusioned]] [[kids]] ripping up [[campuses]]. On the [[streets]] of [[Memphis]] [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|a good black man died]]... and in [[Los Angeles]], [[w:Robert Kennedy|a good white man fell]]. Something is '''[[wrong]]'''. Something is [[killing]] us all! Some hideous [[moral]] cancer is rotting our very [[souls]].
** [[w:Dennis O'Neil|Dennis O'Neil]], &quot;No Evil Shall Escape My Sight&quot;, ''Green Lantern'' Vol 2 #76, (April, 1970).

* Often, doing less works because of improved drugs. &lt;br&gt; “The good news is that cancer treatment is not only becoming more effective, it’s becoming easier to tolerate and associated with less short-term and long-term complications,” said Dr. William G. Nelson of [[w:Johns Hopkins School of Medicine|Johns Hopkins School of Medicine]], who was also not involved in the new research. 
** [[w:William G. Nelson|William G. Nelson]] as quoted by the Associated Press in [https://www.nbcnews.com/health/cancer/cancer-patients-often-better-less-intensive-treatment-study-shows-rcna155158 “Cancer patients often do better with less intensive treatment, research shows”], ''NBC News'', (June 3, 2024)

===O===
[[File:Mission_Operations_Directorate_%28MOD%29_emblem.png|thumb|Last year, [[Joe Biden|Vice President Biden]] said that with a new moonshot, America can cure cancer. Last month, he worked with this Congress to give scientists at the [[w:National Institutes of Health|National Institutes of Health]] the strongest resources they’ve had in over a decade. Tonight, I’m announcing a new national effort to get it done. And because he’s gone to the mat for all of us, on so many issues over the past forty years, I’m putting Joe in charge of [[w:Mission control center|Mission Control]]. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
* Last year, [[Joe Biden|Vice President Biden]] said that with a new moonshot, America can cure cancer. Last month, he worked with this Congress to give scientists at the [[w:National Institutes of Health|National Institutes of Health]] the strongest resources they’ve had in over a decade. Tonight, I’m announcing a new national effort to get it done. And because he’s gone to the mat for all of us, on so many issues over the past forty years, I’m putting Joe in charge of [[w:Mission control center|Mission Control]].
** [[Barack Obama]] ''State of the Union'', (Jan 12th, 2016); as quoted in [http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/01/12/8-key-quotes-last-obamas-state-of-the-union/78716890/ &quot;8 Key Quotes Last Obama's State of the Union&quot;], ''USAToday'', (1/12/2016)

===R===
* Wi-Fi causes cancer and &quot;leaky brain” 
** [[RFK Jr]] when speaking to podcaster [[Joe Rogan]] in June 2024 according to [https://www.npr.org/2023/07/13/1187272781/rfk-jr-kennedy-conspiracy-theories-social-media-presidential-campaign RFK Jr. is building a presidential campaign around conspiracy theories] (JULY 13, 2023)

[[File:Cell_culture_(HeLa_cells)_(261_18)_Cell_culture_(HeLa_cells)_-_metaphase,_telophase.jpg|thumb|Physically, however, the body is quite able to completely regenerate itself as it approaches old age. Indeed, a quite legitimate second [[w:Puberty|puberty]] is possible, in which the male’s seed is youthfully strong and vital, and the woman’s womb is pliable and able to bear . . . Now, &lt;u&gt;to some extent&lt;/u&gt; there is a connection between this innate, rarely observed second puberty and the development of cancer, in which growth is specifically apparent in an exaggerated manner. ~ [[Jane Roberts]]]]
* The Porto Ricans (sic) are the dirtiest, laziest, most degenerate and thievish race of men ever to inhabit this sphere… I have done my best to further the process of extermination by killing off eight and transplanting cancer into several more… All physicians take delight in the abuse and torture of the unfortunate subjects.
** [[w:Cornelius Rhoads|Cornelius Rhoads]] as quoted by Truman R. Clark. 1975. Puerto Rico and the United States, 1917-1933, pp. 151-154

* Physically, however, the body is quite able to completely regenerate itself as it approaches old age. Indeed, a quite legitimate second puberty is possible, in which the male’s seed is youthfully strong and vital, and the woman’s womb is pliable and able to bear . . . Now, &lt;u&gt;to some extent&lt;/u&gt; there is a connection between this innate, rarely observed second puberty and the development of cancer, in which growth is specifically apparent in an exaggerated manner.
** [[Jane Roberts]], in ''The Nature of the Psyche: Its Human Expression'', Session 770, p. 66

===S===
* I was making 11 Turkish liras in a month, and this headmaster, God bless her, she said, ‘OK, Mutlay, we found a scholarship that will pay you the money you’re making in the factory, so your dad can continue treatment.’
** Mutlay Sayan in [https://www.statnews.com/2020/11/24/mutlay-sayan-rutgers-radiation-oncology/ &quot;As a kid, his factory work paid for his dad’s cancer care. As an oncologist, his research offers more than survival&quot;] by Eric Boodman, ''Stat'', (November 24, 2020)

* Liver cancer causes a huge burden of disease globally each year. It is also largely preventable if control efforts are prioritised — major risk factors include hepatitis B virus, hepatitis C virus, alcohol consumption, excess body weight, and metabolic conditions including type 2 diabetes.
** Isabelle Soerjomataram, [https://weather.com/en-IN/india/health/news/2022-10-06-liver-cancer-cases-and-mortality-expected-to-increase-by-over-55 ''Liver Cancer Cases and Associated Mortality Expected to Increase by Over 55% by the Year 2040''], ''Weather.com'', (10/06/2022)

===W===
*'''John Kramer''': I don't intend to mock you, Officer, but I'm a cancer patient. How could you possibly put me in any more [[pain]] than I'm already in?
** John Kramer/[[w:Jigsaw (Saw character)|Jigsaw]] as interpreted by [[Tobin Bell]] in ''[[Saw II]]'', (2005); written by [[w:Leigh Whannell|Leigh Whannell]] and [[w:Darren Lynn Bousman|Darren Lynn Bousman]]

*'''Tape:''' ''What is the cure for cancer, Eric?'' &lt;br&gt; ''The cure for death itself? The answer... is immortality.'' &lt;br&gt; ''By creating a legacy, by living a life worth remembering, you become immortal.''
** John Kramer/[[w:Jigsaw (Saw character)|Jigsaw]] as interpreted by [[Tobin Bell]] in ''[[Saw II]]'', (2005); written by [[w:Leigh Whannell|Leigh Whannell]] and [[w:Darren Lynn Bousman|Darren Lynn Bousman]]

==Dialogue==
[[File:Archimedean_spiral.svg|thumb|The cancer isn't what started me in my work. It was the moment I decided to end my life... that started me in my work. I had literally driven myself to suicide, and I had failed. My body had not been strong enough to repel cancer cells, yet I had lived through a plunge off a cliff. ~ [[w:Leigh Whannell|Leigh Whannell]]]]
:'''John Kramer''' I'm not fixable. I've got cancer.
:'''Detective Eric Matthews''': You're using cancer as an excuse for what you do?
:'''John Kramer''': No. The cancer isn't what started me in my work. It was the moment I decided to end my life... that started me in my work. I had literally driven myself to suicide, and I had failed. My body had not been strong enough to repel cancer cells, yet I had lived through a plunge off a cliff. But, to my amazement, I was alive. And I was determined to spend the rest of my days testing the fabric of human nature. Do you understand, Eric?
:* John Kramer/[[w:Jigsaw (Saw character)|Jigsaw]] as interpreted by [[Tobin Bell]] and Detective Eric Matthew as interpreted by [[w:Donnie Wahlberg|Donnie Wahlberg]] in ''[[Saw II]]'', (2005); written by [[w:Leigh Whannell|Leigh Whannell]] and [[w:Darren Lynn Bousman|Darren Lynn Bousman]]

== See also ==
{{sister projects}}
* [[Lung cancer]]
* [[Prostate cancer]]
* [[Teratoma]]

[[Category:Cancer| ]]
[[Category:Diseases and disorders]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8326" sha1="0a101t8jath4db0p1nlayf3oc08k39y" xml:space="preserve">[[File:10.15.11JaneYolenByLuigiNovi.jpg|thumb|Jane Yolen in 2011]]
'''[[w:Jane Hyatt Yolen|Jane Yolen]]''' (born [[February 11]], [[1939]]) is an American author and editor of almost 300 books. These include folklore, fantasy, science fiction, and children's books.

==Quotes==
=== Short fiction ===

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Dragonfield and Other Stories]]'' (1985) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the mass market edition, published by Ace Books; {{ISBN|0-441-16622-9}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Fifteen years can be a long or a short time, depending upon whether one is immortal or not.
** ''The Thirteenth Fey'' (p. 39)

* Madness also makes folks uneasy; they fear contagion.
** ''The Tree’s Wife'' (p. 78)

* For what was art, she thought, but the heart and soul made visible.
** ''The Pot Child'' (p. 110)

* There is no liar like the one who lies to himself. He has a fool indeed for an audience.
** ''The Bull &amp; the Crowth'' (p. 122)

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Here There Be Unicorns]]'' (1994) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the hardcover edition, published by Harcourt Brace &amp; Company; {{ISBN|0-15-209902-6}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Princesses did not make scenes. One needed to be a queen to do that.
** ''Unicorn Tapestry'' (p. 15)

* “No, you cannot…must not…shall not…may not…” to everything that seemed even the slightest bit interesting or exciting or dangerous.&lt;br&gt;So Waverly did what every child of ten does. He did it all anyway.
** ''The Lady’s Garden'' (p. 38)

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Here There Be Witches]]'' (1995) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page number from the trade paperback edition, published by Harcourt Brace &amp; Company; {{ISBN|0-15-201657-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Looking backward was an old man’s drug.
** ''The Sword and the Stone'' (p. 91)

=== ''[[w:The Devil's Arithmetic|The Devil's Arithmetic]]'' (1988) ===

* Know, my son, that the enemy will always be with you. He will be in the shadow of your dreams and in your living flesh, for he is the other part of yourself.
** p. 143
*Overhead the swallows dipped down to catch bugs rising from the ground. Then they soared back up beyond the barracks. Hannah watched them for a moment, scarcely breathing. It was as if all nature ignored what went on in the camp. There were brilliant sunsets and soft breezes. Around the commandant’s house, bright flowers were teased by the wind. Once she’d seen a fox cross the meadow to disappear into the forest.
** p. 154

=== ''[[w:Briar Rose (novel)|Briar Rose]]'' (1992) ===
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published in November 1993 by Tor, {{ISBN|0-812-55862-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* She filled the pot, got out a new filter, threw the old one onto the garbage, and counted out five tablespoons of Columbian Supreme. Then she waited while the magic of modern invention turned tap water into a hot dark-brown caffeine-powered drink. It was better than any Biblical miracle and risked no beliefs.
** Chapter 8 (p. 43)

* “I’ll drive. You navigate.” He grinned. “I judge people by how well they read maps.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 65)

* Time may heal wounds, but it does not erase the scars.
** Chapter 12 (p. 72)

* “Will you write the story?”&lt;br&gt;“If there is one.”&lt;br&gt;“Happy ending or no?” He was serious.&lt;br&gt;She attempted a smile. “Fairy tales always have a happy ending.”&lt;br&gt;He leaned back in his chair. “That depends.”&lt;br&gt;“On what?”&lt;br&gt;“On whether you are Rumplestiltskin or the Queen.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 91)

* She hated to lie but she hated arguments even more.
** Chapter 16 (p. 93)

* It is not crazy to want to know the past. It is only crazy to live there, like so many of the aristocracy.
** Chapter 24 (p. 131)

* Wars do not make heroes of everyone.
** Chapter 25 (p. 146)

* Wars may make heroes of men, but not all the time.
** Chapter 25 (p. 146)

* “We are all sleeping princesses some time. But it is better to be fully awake, don’t you think?”...“Americans do not want to be awake?”&lt;br&gt;“Oh,” Becca said, “we like the truth all right. When it’s tidy.”&lt;br&gt;“Truth is never tidy. Only fairy tales.”
** Chapter 32 (p. 196; ellipsis represents elision of a brief narrative section)

=== ''[[w:Armageddon Summer|Armageddon Summer]]'' (1998) ===
&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published in 1999 by Harcourt, Inc. {{ISBN|0-15-202268-6}} &lt;/small&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; Co-written with [[w:Bruce Coville|Bruce Coville]] &lt;/small&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “Dad, everyone knows Beelson is a nutcase! You should hear the things they say about him in school.”&lt;br&gt;My father looked at me sadly. “I thought you didn’t believe in basing your life on what everyone else says, Mr. Nonconformist.”&lt;br&gt;“OK, skip what everyone else says. ''I'' think he’s nuts.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 16)

* But when I asked Mom, she shrugged and looked up at the sky. She had given up looking at me when we talked.&lt;br&gt;“Reverend Beelson told us God would provide,” she said, as if reading that in the clouds. “And he does not lie.” It wasn’t clear if she meant Reverend Beelson or God.
** Chapter 9 (pp. 51-52)

* I actually said a little prayer of my own then, my first since we had arrived: ''Please, God—get me out of this nuthouse!''
** Chapter 10 (p. 66)

* But you know how it is: As soon as you decide to forget something, your brain comes to the conclusion that it’s the most fascinating thing in the world.
** Chapter 12 (p. 74)

* We had more church after supper, with a long sermon from Reverend Beelson. He talked about wars and earthquakes and floods as signs that the End was coming. Which made me wonder if he had somehow managed to not notice that wars, earthquakes, and floods have been going on since the beginning of history.&lt;br&gt;But I didn’t say anything.&lt;br&gt;It wasn’t worth the effort.
** Chapter 14 (p. 86)

* The thing about signs from God is that you can never be sure.&lt;br&gt;In the morning, going to the Porta Potti, I saw a deer. There was also a dead pigeon being a smorgas-bird for crows near the perimeter when I went with a message for an Angel. And the shed skin of some small snake that Grahame had collected.&lt;br&gt;If those were signs, what did they mean?&lt;br&gt;God loved me?&lt;br&gt;God hated me?&lt;br&gt;God didn’t care?…&lt;br&gt;I saw more signs than I can remember.&lt;br&gt;The moon was still shining like a pale penny at noon.&lt;br&gt;There was an eagle wheeling overhead at four.&lt;br&gt;A pair of bluejays squabbled in a fir tree when I came out of the Place of Eating after dinner.&lt;br&gt;God was saying yes?&lt;br&gt;God was saying no?&lt;br&gt;God wasn’t speaking at all?
** Chapter 15 (pp. 93-94; ellipsis represents the elision of one paragraph of description for the sake of continuity)

* I took a deep breath. ''God…''I prayed.&lt;br&gt;And then I realize that I had nothing more to say to him.&lt;br&gt;Nothing at all.
** Chapter 27 (p. 148)

* But I scolded myself, ''That’s magical thinking, Marina. Consider instead what’s real.''
** Chapter 50 (p. 253)

* “Did we do wrong in believing, Marina?” Mom asked suddenly.&lt;br&gt;“Never in believing, Mom,” I said. “Just in what we believed.”
** Chapter 50 (p. 256)

* I’m not saying it was all for the best. (That’s one of the great stupid phrases of all time, imho.) 
** No chapter number (p. 264)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Yolen, Jane}}
[[Category:Editors from the United States]]
[[Category:Fantasy authors]]
[[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:Jews from the United States]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Women from the United States]]
[[Category:Smith College alumni]]
[[Category:Nebula Award winners]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8327" sha1="3fj59ykw1vl1x476yxcnykd24pnvatv" xml:space="preserve">[[File:10.15.11JaneYolenByLuigiNovi.jpg|thumb|Jane Yolen in 2011]]
'''[[w:Jane Hyatt Yolen|Jane Yolen]]''' (born [[February 11]], [[1939]]) is an American author and editor of almost 300 books. These include folklore, fantasy, science fiction, and children's books.

==Quotes==
=== Short fiction ===

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Dragonfield and Other Stories]]'' (1985) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the mass market edition, published by Ace Books; {{ISBN|0-441-16622-9}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Fifteen years can be a long or a short time, depending upon whether one is immortal or not.
** ''The Thirteenth Fey'' (p. 39)

* Madness also makes folks uneasy; they fear contagion.
** ''The Tree’s Wife'' (p. 78)

* For what was art, she thought, but the heart and soul made visible.
** ''The Pot Child'' (p. 110)

* There is no liar like the one who lies to himself. He has a fool indeed for an audience.
** ''The Bull &amp; the Crowth'' (p. 122)

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Here There Be Unicorns]]'' (1994) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page numbers from the hardcover edition, published by Harcourt Brace &amp; Company; {{ISBN|0-15-209902-6}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Princesses did not make scenes. One needed to be a queen to do that.
** ''Unicorn Tapestry'' (p. 15)

* “No, you cannot…must not…shall not…may not…” to everything that seemed even the slightest bit interesting or exciting or dangerous.&lt;br&gt;So Waverly did what every child of ten does. He did it all anyway.
** ''The Lady’s Garden'' (p. 38)

==== ''[[w:Jane Yolen bibliography|Here There Be Witches]]'' (1995) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Page number from the trade paperback edition, published by Harcourt Brace &amp; Company; {{ISBN|0-15-201657-0}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; See [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?250 Jane Yolen's Internet Science Fiction Database page] for original publication details &lt;/small&gt;

* Looking backward was an old man’s drug.
** ''The Sword and the Stone'' (p. 91)

=== ''[[w:The Devil's Arithmetic|The Devil's Arithmetic]]'' (1988) ===

* Know, my son, that the enemy will always be with you. He will be in the shadow of your dreams and in your living flesh, for he is the other part of yourself.
** p. 143
*Overhead the swallows dipped down to catch bugs rising from the ground. Then they soared back up beyond the barracks. Hannah watched them for a moment, scarcely breathing. It was as if all nature ignored what went on in the camp. There were brilliant sunsets and soft breezes. Around the commandant’s house, bright flowers were teased by the wind. Once she’d seen a fox cross the meadow to disappear into the forest.
** p. 154

=== ''[[w:Briar Rose (novel)|Briar Rose]]'' (1992) ===
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published in November 1993 by Tor, {{ISBN|0-812-55862-6}} &lt;/small&gt;

* She filled the pot, got out a new filter, threw the old one onto the garbage, and counted out five tablespoons of Columbian Supreme. Then she waited while the magic of modern invention turned tap water into a hot dark-brown caffeine-powered drink. It was better than any Biblical miracle and risked no beliefs.
** Chapter 8 (p. 43)

* “I’ll drive. You navigate.” He grinned. “I judge people by how well they read maps.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 65)

* Time may heal wounds, but it does not erase the scars.
** Chapter 12 (p. 72)

* “Will you write the story?”&lt;br&gt;“If there is one.”&lt;br&gt;“Happy ending or no?” He was serious.&lt;br&gt;She attempted a smile. “Fairy tales always have a happy ending.”&lt;br&gt;He leaned back in his chair. “That depends.”&lt;br&gt;“On what?”&lt;br&gt;“On whether you are Rumplestiltskin or the Queen.”
** Chapter 16 (p. 91)

* She hated to lie but she hated arguments even more.
** Chapter 16 (p. 93)

* It is not crazy to want to know the past. It is only crazy to live there, like so many of the aristocracy.
** Chapter 24 (p. 131)

* Wars do not make heroes of everyone.
** Chapter 25 (p. 146)

* Wars may make heroes of men, but not all the time.
** Chapter 25 (p. 146)

* “We are all sleeping princesses some time. But it is better to be fully awake, don’t you think?”...“Americans do not want to be awake?”&lt;br&gt;“Oh,” Becca said, “we like the truth all right. When it’s tidy.”&lt;br&gt;“Truth is never tidy. Only fairy tales.”
** Chapter 32 (p. 196; ellipsis represents elision of a brief narrative section)

=== ''[[w:Armageddon Summer|Armageddon Summer]]'' (1998) ===
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers from the mass market paperback edition published in 1999 by Harcourt, Inc. {{ISBN|0-15-202268-6}} &lt;/small&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; Co-written with [[w:Bruce Coville|Bruce Coville]] &lt;/small&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* “Dad, everyone knows Beelson is a nutcase! You should hear the things they say about him in school.”&lt;br&gt;My father looked at me sadly. “I thought you didn’t believe in basing your life on what everyone else says, Mr. Nonconformist.”&lt;br&gt;“OK, skip what everyone else says. ''I'' think he’s nuts.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 16)

* But when I asked Mom, she shrugged and looked up at the sky. She had given up looking at me when we talked.&lt;br&gt;“Reverend Beelson told us God would provide,” she said, as if reading that in the clouds. “And he does not lie.” It wasn’t clear if she meant Reverend Beelson or God.
** Chapter 9 (pp. 51-52)

* I actually said a little prayer of my own then, my first since we had arrived: ''Please, God—get me out of this nuthouse!''
** Chapter 10 (p. 66)

* But you know how it is: As soon as you decide to forget something, your brain comes to the conclusion that it’s the most fascinating thing in the world.
** Chapter 12 (p. 74)

* We had more church after supper, with a long sermon from Reverend Beelson. He talked about wars and earthquakes and floods as signs that the End was coming. Which made me wonder if he had somehow managed to not notice that wars, earthquakes, and floods have been going on since the beginning of history.&lt;br&gt;But I didn’t say anything.&lt;br&gt;It wasn’t worth the effort.
** Chapter 14 (p. 86)

* The thing about signs from God is that you can never be sure.&lt;br&gt;In the morning, going to the Porta Potti, I saw a deer. There was also a dead pigeon being a smorgas-bird for crows near the perimeter when I went with a message for an Angel. And the shed skin of some small snake that Grahame had collected.&lt;br&gt;If those were signs, what did they mean?&lt;br&gt;God loved me?&lt;br&gt;God hated me?&lt;br&gt;God didn’t care?…&lt;br&gt;I saw more signs than I can remember.&lt;br&gt;The moon was still shining like a pale penny at noon.&lt;br&gt;There was an eagle wheeling overhead at four.&lt;br&gt;A pair of bluejays squabbled in a fir tree when I came out of the Place of Eating after dinner.&lt;br&gt;God was saying yes?&lt;br&gt;God was saying no?&lt;br&gt;God wasn’t speaking at all?
** Chapter 15 (pp. 93-94; ellipsis represents the elision of one paragraph of description for the sake of continuity)

* I took a deep breath. ''God…''I prayed.&lt;br&gt;And then I realize that I had nothing more to say to him.&lt;br&gt;Nothing at all.
** Chapter 27 (p. 148)

* But I scolded myself, ''That’s magical thinking, Marina. Consider instead what’s real.''
** Chapter 50 (p. 253)

* “Did we do wrong in believing, Marina?” Mom asked suddenly.&lt;br&gt;“Never in believing, Mom,” I said. “Just in what we believed.”
** Chapter 50 (p. 256)

* I’m not saying it was all for the best. (That’s one of the great stupid phrases of all time, imho.) 
** No chapter number (p. 264)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Yolen, Jane}}
[[Category:Editors from the United States]]
[[Category:Fantasy authors]]
[[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:Jews from the United States]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Women from the United States]]
[[Category:Smith College alumni]]
[[Category:Nebula Award winners]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel</title>
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'''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]''''' is a 2009 American live-action/CGI comedy film and sequel to ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''.

==Alvin==
* So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning!
* I am going to crack you like an acorn and eat you for dinner! With some fava beans and a nice chianti. ''(imitates Hannibal Lecter)''
* Everybody, shake what your mama gave y'all!
* Holla! The Cheese Balls are in the issues! ''[singing a parody of &quot;Stayin' Alive&quot;]''
* ''[after meeting Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but pink is my new favorite color.
* ''[as he and his brothers are shocked at seeing the Chipettes with Ian]'' They are with Ian?!
* ''[pointing to Ian Hawke; threateningly]'' Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!
* ''[to Simon after finding him in the dumpster]'' Okay. I am a total jerk. I admit it. So, are we cool, now? ''[holds out his hand for Simon to shake but Simon violently pulls him in the dumpster and starts wrestling him]''
* ''[to an eagle as it is about to harm Theodore]'' Look, I get why you want Theodore. I do. But I am sorry, I cannot let that happen. He is my brother. Not that he'd know that, because I have been such a big jerk lately. If anyone deserves to be eaten, it is me. ''[the eagle comes closer to him]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not literally!

==Simon==
* I thought Alvin was messy. This is literally disgusting. I feel like I am living in a dumpster.
* Oh, you have got to be joking. A taco? In a blanket? Toby!
* ''[While playing dodgeball]'' Glasses! Glasses! You would not hit a guy with glasses, would you?! ''[Gets hit by a dodgeball]'' Right in the pancreas.
* ''[after meeting Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
* ''[not pleased to see Ian Hawke]'' I thought I smelled a rat.
* ''[to Ryan; through clenched teeth]'' You ''still'' have not picked up that litter.

==Theodore==
* We can play Monopoly. We play Monopoly with Dave all the time.
* ''[after meeting Eleanor]'' She is like a beautiful green gumdrop.
* ''[after the Eagles' mascot falls down the stairs]'' That was not very fun-ish.
* ''[to Eleanor]'' I think you look great just the way you are.

==Brittany==
* We are ''so'' going to destroy those Chipmunks!
* ''[after escaping Ian]'' Hey, Ian! In the words of the Donald: You are fired!
* Yeah, I know. But guys remember what Ian said &quot;We cannot trust them&quot;

==Jeanette==
* That Simon is dreamy.
* I do not want to destroy them.

==Eleanor==
* I think Theodore was looking at me!
* We either sing together, or not at all!

==Dialogue==
:'''Alvin and Theodore''': Dave!
:'''Simon''': Dave, you are alive!
:'''Dave''': Hey, guys!
:'''Alvin''': It was an accident, I swear!
:'''Theodore''': Are you okay?
:'''Alvin''': I am sorry, Dave.
:'''Dave''': I will be fine. I am just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I have made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.
:'''Alvin''': Who is Aunt Jackie?
:'''Theodore''': The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.
:'''Alvin''': ''[remembers]'' Oh! Popcorn Jackie.

&lt;hr. width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks answer the phone]''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': ''[slowly]'' Hello?
:'''Dave''': ''Boys, it is me.''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': Dave!
:'''Alvin''': As in, &quot;Dave?!&quot;
:''[The nurse is holding Dave is phone for him to talk into]''
:'''Dave''': Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you have not burned down the house yet.
:'''Alvin''': ''Have a little faith, Dave.''
:'''Theodore''': Yeah! ''[falls off the pot rack]'' Mayday! ''[lands on a pan, and it hits the floor]''
:'''Dave''': What was that?
:'''Simon''': ''[whispers to Alvin]'' Do not stress him out.
:'''Alvin''': Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's cooking us a zesty five-course meal.
:'''Dave''': Really? Well, can I talk to her?
:'''Theodore''': She is practicing her pole dancing.
:''[Alvin and Simon look at each other, confused, and Theodore shrugs, not knowing what he said]''
:'''Dave''': ''Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner?'' Guys, what is going on?
:'''Alvin''': Got to go, Dave! 
:'''Dave''': Alvin, I'm not kidding!
:'''Alvin''': Feel better!
:'''Dave''': ''ALVIN-! [Alvin hangs up]''
:'''Alvin''': Yep. Nobody does that better than him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning! ''[he and his brothers hop on the top of Mrs. Ortega is desk; to the female students]'' Hello, ladies.
:''[The female students see them, recognizing them]''
:'''Female students''': Is that the Chipmunks? ''[they get up from their desks and run over to meet them; excitedly]'' I love you, Alvin!
:'''Theodore''': Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore.
:'''Simon''': ''[covers his mouth]'' Yes, he's Theodore, in case you missed it. And I am Simon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ian Hawke is living in the basement of Jett Records]''
:'''Ian''': I had 15 cars. I mean, that's, like, five more cars than anybody really needs. I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the Lakers. Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. And now look at me. ''Look at me! [talking to a rat]'' I lost everything. Except for my dignity. They cannot take that away from me. And it's all because of them. ''[throws the radio in the dumpster in frustration]'' Oh, hey. Breakfast. ''[takes out a muffin]'' Now I run around hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean… Wait a second. You do not sing, do you? ''[the rat takes his muffin]'' Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! ''[dives into the dumpster to get his muffin back]'' Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! ''[vowing]'' I ''will'' get you, Chipmunks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks have been talking with the female students at lunch]''
:'''Ryan''': Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls... Are you thinking about them?
:'''Alvin''': Well, I am ''now''.
:'''Ryan''': That is, it. YOU ARE DEAD!
:''[he tries to catch the Chipmunks, but they escape]''
:'''Ryan''': Xander, come on!
:''[Xander follows him]''
:'''Xander''': Get back here, you dirty rats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ryan and Xander have dropped Simon into the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Can't swim! Help!
:'''Alvin''': Grab on, Simon! ''[pulls Simon out of the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Thanks. ''[shakes himself off]''
:'''Alvin''': Are you okay?
:'''Simon''': Well, uh, considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm, uh, pretty good.
:'''Alvin''': I'll be right back. ''[walks out of the bathroom and into the corridor]''
:'''Simon''': ''[follows him]'' Alvin, Alvin! We're not gonna solve anything with violence.
:''[They spot their brother hanging in the locker room; Ryan and Xander are poking his rear]''
:'''Ryan''': It's the fatty ratty.
:'''Theodore''': Cut it out!
:'''Ryan''': This rat has serious junk in the trunk.
:'''Theodore''': Hey!
:'''Xander''': Yeah, little fatty.
:'''Theodore''': Stop it!
:'''Ryan''': He jiggles when I poke him. ''[Alvin and Simon attack him and Xander with fury]'' MOMMY!!!!!
:''[Later, The Chipmunks are waiting outside Dr. Rubin's office]''
:'''Theodore''': Simon, does this make my butt look smaller? ''[lowers the bottom of his sweater, covering his butt]''
:'''Simon''': Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.
:''[Ryan and Xander exit her office, scratched up; Alvin growls and barks viciously at them like a mad dog, forcing them to flee]''
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Gentlemen. ''[The Chipmunks enter her office]'' You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
:'''Simon''': That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I should suspend all 3 of you.
:'''Alvin''': Please do.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
:'''Simon''': That's awful.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I know. But there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition, and the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
:'''Simon''': And you want us to perform?
:'''Alvin''': 'Cause I didn't think you were a fan.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Why don't you sleep on it?
:''[she reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks on her left arm, to the Chipmunks' surprise]''
:'''Alvin''': Wait a minute! What is that?! That's us!
:'''Theodore''': I look skinny.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': ''[shocked that they have noticed]'' Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could– ''[laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk]'' I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your C.D.'s. I even went to see you last year in Denver. That's where I got this. ''[her tattoo]'' It was my birthday. And I was like, &quot;Ah! The Chipmunks! Ah!&quot;. So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
:'''Alvin''': Honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
:'''Theodore''': Come on, Alvin. Whattaya say? One for all, and 3 for one.
:'''Simon''': Well put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
:'''Alvin''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Yay.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Go, Eagles!
:'''Theodore''': Eagles?! Where?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, you promised Theodore we'd hang out. We're watching '''&quot;Meerkat Manor&quot;''' tonight. No pretty girls.
:'''Alvin''': Dude, I can't swing it today, bro.
:'''Simon''': That's what you say every day, Alvin. Need I remind you it's your day to do the laundry?
:'''Ryan''': Better listen to your daddy, Alvin. You don't wanna get grounded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks are rehearsing after meeting and falling in love with the Chipettes]''
:'''Alvin''': ''[referring to Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but, pink is my new favorite color.
:'''Simon''': ''[referring to Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
:'''Theodore''': ''[referring to Eleanor]'' She's like a beautiful green gumdrop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Alvin and Simon fight over a blanket]''
:'''Alvin''': Stop hogging.
:'''Simon''': I'm not hogging.
:'''Alvin''': You might as well be rooting out truffles in the French countryside, because you ''are'', in fact, HOGGING!
:'''Simon''': I'm not!
:'''Alvin''': Are so!
:'''Simon''': Not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': You knew about this, Alvin? Does the word &quot;brother&quot; mean anything to you?
:'''Alvin''': Yes. Of course.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, he has some new brothers now that he's on the football team.
:'''Simon''': ''[turns to Ryan; irritated through clenched teeth]'' You still haven't picked up that litter.
:'''Ryan''': You want me to get rid of litter?
:'''Simon''': Yeah.
:'''Ryan''': Let's start with you! ''[picks him up]''
:'''Simon''': Hey, let… Let go. Let go! No! ''[Ryan throws him in a nearby trash can]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, I am going to put this behind us for Theodore's sake.
:'''Alvin''': I know. That's why I'm giving you the Alvin guarantee that I will be at that sing-off, Friday night.
:'''Simon''': Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why wouldn't you be there?
:'''Alvin''': ''[stammering]'' Because I have a… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': What?
:'''Alvin''': A… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': ''[not understanding]'' You have a what?
:'''Alvin''': A football game! There, I said it! A football game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': ''[sternly]'' Alvin, do ''not'' miss that sing-off.
:'''Alvin''': Don't worry, Simon. I'll be there. I can do both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mext morning, Alvin looks around for Theodore, attempting to apologize to him, but he was nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Alvin''': Theodore? Theodore, I don't blame you for being mad. ''[sees a note on the fridge Theodore left]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs over to the fridge; reading the note]'' '''&quot;I ran away from home. Don't look for me at the zoo, 'cause I'm not there.&quot;''' Oh, no, Theodore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ian''': How about a little moon roof action? Moon roofs are go! ''[opens up the limousine's rooftop]'' Rooves? Moon roof. Roofs? Rooves? Ooh, champagne. Don't mind if I do. ''[picks up and starts to open a champagne bottle while the Chipettes free themselves from their cage to make their escape as he's distracted]'' You know why I don't mind if I do? Because tonight, we've got to toast to a very special someone named me. They said I couldn't do it. They said I'd never bounce back. Guess what? Time to kiss my sweet… ''[opens the bottle's cork and pours some champagne as the Chipettes jump out of the limo]'' Ooh. A toast to the ladies who are gonna make the world forget about the Chipmu… ''[turns around to the empty cage]'' What…?
:'''Eleanor''': ''[giggling while sliding down]'' See ya!
:'''Ian''': No. No, no, no! No! What are you doing? Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Hi, Ian! Good to see you! You never write!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brittany''': I guess I owe you an apology about Ian.
:'''Alvin''': Stick with me, Brit. I'll never steer you wrong.
:'''Brittany''': ''[exclaims]'' Oh, yeah. I'll never doubt you again.
:''[Ian chases after them with a remote-controlled helicopter, laughing maniacally]''
:'''Alvin''': I gotta say, he is definitely persistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks (except Alvin) and Chipettes are all tucked in their beds, ready for sleep]''
:'''Dave''': Look at you. All ready for bed. Looks like the Chipettes are a good influence.
:'''Brittany''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Jeanette''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Eleanor''': Thanks, Dave. ''[laughs]''
:'''Dave''': Okay, guys. Now lights out. Good night, everybody.
:'''Simon''': Good night, Jeanette.
:'''Jeanette''': Good night, Simon.
:'''Brittany''': Good night, Alvin.
:'''Dave''': Alvin?
:'''Alvin''': I'm not tired.
:'''Dave''': Sorry, but you've got school tomorrow.
:'''Alvin''': Okay.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Zachary Levi|Zachary Levi]] — Toby Seville
* [[David Cross]] — Ian Hawke
* [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — Dave Seville
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — voice of Alvin
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — voice of Simon
* [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — voice of Theodore
* [[Amy Poehler]] — voice of Eleanor
* [[w:Anna Faris|Anna Faris]] — voice of Jeanette
* [[Christina Applegate]] — voice of Brittany
* [[w:Wendie Malick|Wendie Malick]] — Dr. Rubin
* [[w:Anjelah Johnson|Anjelah Johnson]] — Julie
* [[w:Kathryn Joosten|Kathryn Joosten]] — Aunt &quot;Popcorn&quot; Jackie Seville
* [[w:Kevin Schmidt|Kevin G. Schmidt]] — Ryan
* [[w:Chris Warren (actor)|Christopher Warren Jr.]] — Xander

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607111</id>
      <parentid>3607105</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:35:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>71.221.204.92</ip>
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'''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]''''' is a 2009 American live-action/CGI comedy film and sequel to ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''.

==Alvin==
* So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning!
* I am going to crack you like an acorn and eat you for dinner! With some fava beans and a nice chianti. ''(imitates Hannibal Lecter)''
* Everybody, shake what your mama gave y'all!
* Holla! The Cheese Balls are in the issues! ''[singing a parody of &quot;Stayin' Alive&quot;]''
* ''[after meeting Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but pink is my new favorite color.
* ''[as he and his brothers are shocked at seeing the Chipettes with Ian]'' They are with Ian?!
* ''[pointing to Ian Hawke; threateningly]'' Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!
* ''[to Simon after finding him in the dumpster]'' Okay. I am a total jerk. I admit it. So, are we cool, now? ''[holds out his hand for Simon to shake but Simon violently pulls him in the dumpster and starts wrestling him]''
* ''[to an eagle as it is about to harm Theodore]'' Look, I get why you want Theodore. I do. But I am sorry, I cannot let that happen. He is my brother. Not that he'd know that, because I have been such a big jerk lately. If anyone deserves to be eaten, it is me. ''[the eagle comes closer to him]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not literally!

==Simon==
* I thought Alvin was messy. This is literally disgusting. I feel like I'm living in a dumpster.
* Oh, you have got to be joking. A taco? In a blanket? Toby!
* ''[While playing dodgeball]'' Glasses! Glasses! You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?! ''[Gets hit by a dodgeball]'' Right in the pancreas.
* ''[after meeting Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
* ''[not pleased to see Ian Hawke]'' I thought I smelled a rat.
* ''[to Ryan; through clenched teeth]'' You ''still'' haven't picked up that litter.

==Theodore==
* We can play Monopoly. We play Monopoly with Dave all the time.
* ''[after meeting Eleanor]'' She is like a beautiful green gumdrop.
* ''[after the Eagles' mascot falls down the stairs]'' That was not very fun-ish.
* ''[to Eleanor]'' I think you look great just the way you are.

==Brittany==
* We are ''so'' going to destroy those Chipmunks!
* ''[after escaping Ian]'' Hey, Ian! In the words of the Donald: You are fired!
* Yeah, I know. But guys remember what Ian said &quot;We cannot trust them&quot;

==Jeanette==
* That Simon is dreamy.
* I do not want to destroy them.

==Eleanor==
* I think Theodore was looking at me!
* We either sing together, or not at all!

==Dialogue==
:'''Alvin and Theodore''': Dave!
:'''Simon''': Dave, you are alive!
:'''Dave''': Hey, guys!
:'''Alvin''': It was an accident, I swear!
:'''Theodore''': Are you okay?
:'''Alvin''': I am sorry, Dave.
:'''Dave''': I will be fine. I am just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I have made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.
:'''Alvin''': Who is Aunt Jackie?
:'''Theodore''': The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.
:'''Alvin''': ''[remembers]'' Oh! Popcorn Jackie.

&lt;hr. width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks answer the phone]''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': ''[slowly]'' Hello?
:'''Dave''': ''Boys, it is me.''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': Dave!
:'''Alvin''': As in, &quot;Dave?!&quot;
:''[The nurse is holding Dave is phone for him to talk into]''
:'''Dave''': Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you have not burned down the house yet.
:'''Alvin''': ''Have a little faith, Dave.''
:'''Theodore''': Yeah! ''[falls off the pot rack]'' Mayday! ''[lands on a pan, and it hits the floor]''
:'''Dave''': What was that?
:'''Simon''': ''[whispers to Alvin]'' Do not stress him out.
:'''Alvin''': Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's cooking us a zesty five-course meal.
:'''Dave''': Really? Well, can I talk to her?
:'''Theodore''': She is practicing her pole dancing.
:''[Alvin and Simon look at each other, confused, and Theodore shrugs, not knowing what he said]''
:'''Dave''': ''Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner?'' Guys, what is going on?
:'''Alvin''': Got to go, Dave! 
:'''Dave''': Alvin, I'm not kidding!
:'''Alvin''': Feel better!
:'''Dave''': ''ALVIN-! [Alvin hangs up]''
:'''Alvin''': Yep. Nobody does that better than him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning! ''[he and his brothers hop on the top of Mrs. Ortega is desk; to the female students]'' Hello, ladies.
:''[The female students see them, recognizing them]''
:'''Female students''': Is that the Chipmunks? ''[they get up from their desks and run over to meet them; excitedly]'' I love you, Alvin!
:'''Theodore''': Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore.
:'''Simon''': ''[covers his mouth]'' Yes, he's Theodore, in case you missed it. And I am Simon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ian Hawke is living in the basement of Jett Records]''
:'''Ian''': I had 15 cars. I mean, that's, like, five more cars than anybody really needs. I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the Lakers. Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. And now look at me. ''Look at me! [talking to a rat]'' I lost everything. Except for my dignity. They cannot take that away from me. And it's all because of them. ''[throws the radio in the dumpster in frustration]'' Oh, hey. Breakfast. ''[takes out a muffin]'' Now I run around hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean… Wait a second. You do not sing, do you? ''[the rat takes his muffin]'' Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! ''[dives into the dumpster to get his muffin back]'' Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! ''[vowing]'' I ''will'' get you, Chipmunks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks have been talking with the female students at lunch]''
:'''Ryan''': Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls... Are you thinking about them?
:'''Alvin''': Well, I am ''now''.
:'''Ryan''': That is, it. YOU ARE DEAD!
:''[he tries to catch the Chipmunks, but they escape]''
:'''Ryan''': Xander, come on!
:''[Xander follows him]''
:'''Xander''': Get back here, you dirty rats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ryan and Xander have dropped Simon into the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Can't swim! Help!
:'''Alvin''': Grab on, Simon! ''[pulls Simon out of the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Thanks. ''[shakes himself off]''
:'''Alvin''': Are you okay?
:'''Simon''': Well, uh, considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm, uh, pretty good.
:'''Alvin''': I'll be right back. ''[walks out of the bathroom and into the corridor]''
:'''Simon''': ''[follows him]'' Alvin, Alvin! We're not gonna solve anything with violence.
:''[They spot their brother hanging in the locker room; Ryan and Xander are poking his rear]''
:'''Ryan''': It's the fatty ratty.
:'''Theodore''': Cut it out!
:'''Ryan''': This rat has serious junk in the trunk.
:'''Theodore''': Hey!
:'''Xander''': Yeah, little fatty.
:'''Theodore''': Stop it!
:'''Ryan''': He jiggles when I poke him. ''[Alvin and Simon attack him and Xander with fury]'' MOMMY!!!!!
:''[Later, The Chipmunks are waiting outside Dr. Rubin's office]''
:'''Theodore''': Simon, does this make my butt look smaller? ''[lowers the bottom of his sweater, covering his butt]''
:'''Simon''': Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.
:''[Ryan and Xander exit her office, scratched up; Alvin growls and barks viciously at them like a mad dog, forcing them to flee]''
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Gentlemen. ''[The Chipmunks enter her office]'' You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
:'''Simon''': That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I should suspend all 3 of you.
:'''Alvin''': Please do.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
:'''Simon''': That's awful.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I know. But there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition, and the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
:'''Simon''': And you want us to perform?
:'''Alvin''': 'Cause I didn't think you were a fan.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Why don't you sleep on it?
:''[she reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks on her left arm, to the Chipmunks' surprise]''
:'''Alvin''': Wait a minute! What is that?! That's us!
:'''Theodore''': I look skinny.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': ''[shocked that they have noticed]'' Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could– ''[laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk]'' I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your C.D.'s. I even went to see you last year in Denver. That's where I got this. ''[her tattoo]'' It was my birthday. And I was like, &quot;Ah! The Chipmunks! Ah!&quot;. So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
:'''Alvin''': Honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
:'''Theodore''': Come on, Alvin. Whattaya say? One for all, and 3 for one.
:'''Simon''': Well put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
:'''Alvin''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Yay.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Go, Eagles!
:'''Theodore''': Eagles?! Where?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, you promised Theodore we'd hang out. We're watching '''&quot;Meerkat Manor&quot;''' tonight. No pretty girls.
:'''Alvin''': Dude, I can't swing it today, bro.
:'''Simon''': That's what you say every day, Alvin. Need I remind you it's your day to do the laundry?
:'''Ryan''': Better listen to your daddy, Alvin. You don't wanna get grounded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks are rehearsing after meeting and falling in love with the Chipettes]''
:'''Alvin''': ''[referring to Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but, pink is my new favorite color.
:'''Simon''': ''[referring to Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
:'''Theodore''': ''[referring to Eleanor]'' She's like a beautiful green gumdrop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Alvin and Simon fight over a blanket]''
:'''Alvin''': Stop hogging.
:'''Simon''': I'm not hogging.
:'''Alvin''': You might as well be rooting out truffles in the French countryside, because you ''are'', in fact, HOGGING!
:'''Simon''': I'm not!
:'''Alvin''': Are so!
:'''Simon''': Not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': You knew about this, Alvin? Does the word &quot;brother&quot; mean anything to you?
:'''Alvin''': Yes. Of course.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, he has some new brothers now that he's on the football team.
:'''Simon''': ''[turns to Ryan; irritated through clenched teeth]'' You still haven't picked up that litter.
:'''Ryan''': You want me to get rid of litter?
:'''Simon''': Yeah.
:'''Ryan''': Let's start with you! ''[picks him up]''
:'''Simon''': Hey, let… Let go. Let go! No! ''[Ryan throws him in a nearby trash can]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, I am going to put this behind us for Theodore's sake.
:'''Alvin''': I know. That's why I'm giving you the Alvin guarantee that I will be at that sing-off, Friday night.
:'''Simon''': Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why wouldn't you be there?
:'''Alvin''': ''[stammering]'' Because I have a… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': What?
:'''Alvin''': A… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': ''[not understanding]'' You have a what?
:'''Alvin''': A football game! There, I said it! A football game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': ''[sternly]'' Alvin, do ''not'' miss that sing-off.
:'''Alvin''': Don't worry, Simon. I'll be there. I can do both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mext morning, Alvin looks around for Theodore, attempting to apologize to him, but he was nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Alvin''': Theodore? Theodore, I don't blame you for being mad. ''[sees a note on the fridge Theodore left]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs over to the fridge; reading the note]'' '''&quot;I ran away from home. Don't look for me at the zoo, 'cause I'm not there.&quot;''' Oh, no, Theodore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ian''': How about a little moon roof action? Moon roofs are go! ''[opens up the limousine's rooftop]'' Rooves? Moon roof. Roofs? Rooves? Ooh, champagne. Don't mind if I do. ''[picks up and starts to open a champagne bottle while the Chipettes free themselves from their cage to make their escape as he's distracted]'' You know why I don't mind if I do? Because tonight, we've got to toast to a very special someone named me. They said I couldn't do it. They said I'd never bounce back. Guess what? Time to kiss my sweet… ''[opens the bottle's cork and pours some champagne as the Chipettes jump out of the limo]'' Ooh. A toast to the ladies who are gonna make the world forget about the Chipmu… ''[turns around to the empty cage]'' What…?
:'''Eleanor''': ''[giggling while sliding down]'' See ya!
:'''Ian''': No. No, no, no! No! What are you doing? Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Hi, Ian! Good to see you! You never write!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brittany''': I guess I owe you an apology about Ian.
:'''Alvin''': Stick with me, Brit. I'll never steer you wrong.
:'''Brittany''': ''[exclaims]'' Oh, yeah. I'll never doubt you again.
:''[Ian chases after them with a remote-controlled helicopter, laughing maniacally]''
:'''Alvin''': I gotta say, he is definitely persistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks (except Alvin) and Chipettes are all tucked in their beds, ready for sleep]''
:'''Dave''': Look at you. All ready for bed. Looks like the Chipettes are a good influence.
:'''Brittany''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Jeanette''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Eleanor''': Thanks, Dave. ''[laughs]''
:'''Dave''': Okay, guys. Now lights out. Good night, everybody.
:'''Simon''': Good night, Jeanette.
:'''Jeanette''': Good night, Simon.
:'''Brittany''': Good night, Alvin.
:'''Dave''': Alvin?
:'''Alvin''': I'm not tired.
:'''Dave''': Sorry, but you've got school tomorrow.
:'''Alvin''': Okay.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Zachary Levi|Zachary Levi]] — Toby Seville
* [[David Cross]] — Ian Hawke
* [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — Dave Seville
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — voice of Alvin
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — voice of Simon
* [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — voice of Theodore
* [[Amy Poehler]] — voice of Eleanor
* [[w:Anna Faris|Anna Faris]] — voice of Jeanette
* [[Christina Applegate]] — voice of Brittany
* [[w:Wendie Malick|Wendie Malick]] — Dr. Rubin
* [[w:Anjelah Johnson|Anjelah Johnson]] — Julie
* [[w:Kathryn Joosten|Kathryn Joosten]] — Aunt &quot;Popcorn&quot; Jackie Seville
* [[w:Kevin Schmidt|Kevin G. Schmidt]] — Ryan
* [[w:Chris Warren (actor)|Christopher Warren Jr.]] — Xander

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <text bytes="15118" sha1="dkco3mql1z4xxwceshuy5lp86aljwed" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]''''' is a 2009 American live-action/CGI comedy film and sequel to ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''.

==Alvin==
* So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning!
* I am going to crack you like an acorn and eat you for dinner! With some fava beans and a nice chianti. ''(imitates Hannibal Lecter)''
* Everybody, shake what your mama gave y'all!
* Holla! The Cheese Balls are in the issues! ''[singing a parody of &quot;Stayin' Alive&quot;]''
* ''[after meeting Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but pink is my new favorite color.
* ''[as he and his brothers are shocked at seeing the Chipettes with Ian]'' They are with Ian?!
* ''[pointing to Ian Hawke; threateningly]'' Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!
* ''[to Simon after finding him in the dumpster]'' Okay. I am a total jerk. I admit it. So, are we cool, now? ''[holds out his hand for Simon to shake but Simon violently pulls him in the dumpster and starts wrestling him]''
* ''[to an eagle as it is about to harm Theodore]'' Look, I get why you want Theodore. I do. But I am sorry, I cannot let that happen. He is my brother. Not that he'd know that, because I have been such a big jerk lately. If anyone deserves to be eaten, it is me. ''[the eagle comes closer to him]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not literally!

==Simon==
* I thought Alvin was messy. This is literally disgusting. I feel like I'm living in a dumpster.
* Oh, you have got to be joking. A taco? In a blanket? Toby!
* ''[While playing dodgeball]'' Glasses! Glasses! You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?! ''[Gets hit by a dodgeball]'' Right in the pancreas.
* ''[after meeting Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
* ''[not pleased to see Ian Hawke]'' I thought I smelled a rat.
* ''[to Ryan; through clenched teeth]'' You ''still'' haven't picked up that litter.

==Theodore==
* We can play Monopoly. We play Monopoly with Dave all the time.
* ''[after meeting Eleanor]'' She is like a beautiful green gumdrop.
* ''[after the Eagles' mascot falls down the stairs]'' That was not very fun-ish.
* ''[to Eleanor]'' I think you look great just the way you are.

==Brittany==
* We are ''so'' going to destroy those Chipmunks!
* ''[after escaping Ian]'' Hey, Ian! In the words of the Donald: You are fired!
* Yeah, I know. But guys remember what Ian said &quot;We cannot trust them&quot;

==Jeanette==
* That Simon is dreamy.
* I do not want to destroy them.

==Eleanor==
* I think Theodore was looking at me!
* We either sing together, or not at all!

==Dialogue==
:'''Alvin and Theodore''': Dave!
:'''Simon''': Dave, you're alive!
:'''Dave''': Hey, guys!
:'''Alvin''': It was an accident, I swear!
:'''Theodore''': Are you okay?
:'''Alvin''': I am sorry, Dave.
:'''Dave''': I'll be fine. I'm just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I've made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.
:'''Alvin''': Who's Aunt Jackie?
:'''Theodore''': The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.
:'''Alvin''': ''[remembers]'' Oh! Popcorn Jackie.

&lt;hr. width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks answer the phone]''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': ''[slowly]'' Hello?
:'''Dave''': ''Boys, it's me.''
:'''Alvin and Simon''': Dave!
:'''Alvin''': As in, &quot;Dave?!&quot;
:''[The nurse is holding Dave is phone for him to talk into]''
:'''Dave''': Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you haven't burned down the house yet.
:'''Alvin''': ''Have a little faith, Dave.''
:'''Theodore''': Yeah! ''[falls off the pot rack]'' Mayday! ''[lands on a pan, and it hits the floor]''
:'''Dave''': What was that?
:'''Simon''': ''[whispers to Alvin]'' Don't stress him out.
:'''Alvin''': Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's cooking us a zesty five-course meal.
:'''Dave''': Really? Well, can I talk to her?
:'''Theodore''': She's practicing her pole dancing.
:''[Alvin and Simon look at each other, confused, and Theodore shrugs, not knowing what he said]''
:'''Dave''': ''Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner?'' Guys, what's going on?
:'''Alvin''': Got to go, Dave! 
:'''Dave''': Alvin, I'm not kidding!
:'''Alvin''': Feel better!
:'''Dave''': ''ALVIN-! [Alvin hangs up]''
:'''Alvin''': Yep. Nobody does that better than him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': So, this is a classroom. ''[sniffs]'' I love the smell of zit cream in the morning! ''[he and his brothers hop on the top of Mrs. Ortega's desk; to the female students]'' Hello, ladies.
:''[The female students see them, recognizing them]''
:'''Female students''': Is that the Chipmunks? ''[they get up from their desks and run over to meet them; excitedly]'' I love you, Alvin!
:'''Theodore''': Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore.
:'''Simon''': ''[covers his mouth]'' Yes, he's Theodore, in case you missed it. And I am Simon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ian Hawke is living in the basement of Jett Records]''
:'''Ian''': I had 15 cars. I mean, that's, like, five more cars than anybody really needs. I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the Lakers. Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. And now look at me. ''Look at me! [talking to a rat]'' I lost everything. Except for my dignity. They can't take that away from me. And it's all because of them. ''[throws the radio in the dumpster in frustration]'' Oh, hey. Breakfast. ''[takes out a muffin]'' Now I run around hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean… Wait a second. You do not sing, do you? ''[the rat takes his muffin]'' Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! ''[dives into the dumpster to get his muffin back]'' Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! ''[vowing]'' I ''will'' get you, Chipmunks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks have been talking with the female students at lunch]''
:'''Ryan''': Listen up, rock stars. If you talk to those girls again, you're dead. If you look at those girls again, you're dead. If you even think about those girls... Are you thinking about them?
:'''Alvin''': Well, I am ''now''.
:'''Ryan''': That's It. YOU'RE DEAD!
:''[he tries to catch the Chipmunks, but they escape]''
:'''Ryan''': Xander, come on!
:''[Xander follows him]''
:'''Xander''': Get back here, you dirty rats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ryan and Xander have dropped Simon into the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Can't swim! Help!
:'''Alvin''': Grab on, Simon! ''[pulls Simon out of the toilet]''
:'''Simon''': Thanks. ''[shakes himself off]''
:'''Alvin''': Are you okay?
:'''Simon''': Well, uh, considering that you just saved me from drowning in a toilet, I'm, uh, pretty good.
:'''Alvin''': I'll be right back. ''[walks out of the bathroom and into the corridor]''
:'''Simon''': ''[follows him]'' Alvin, Alvin! We're not gonna solve anything with violence.
:''[They spot their brother hanging in the locker room; Ryan and Xander are poking his rear]''
:'''Ryan''': It's the fatty ratty.
:'''Theodore''': Cut it out!
:'''Ryan''': This rat has serious junk in the trunk.
:'''Theodore''': Hey!
:'''Xander''': Yeah, little fatty.
:'''Theodore''': Stop it!
:'''Ryan''': He jiggles when I poke him. ''[Alvin and Simon attack him and Xander with fury]'' MOMMY!!!!!
:''[Later, The Chipmunks are waiting outside Dr. Rubin's office]''
:'''Theodore''': Simon, does this make my butt look smaller? ''[lowers the bottom of his sweater, covering his butt]''
:'''Simon''': Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.
:''[Ryan and Xander exit her office, scratched up; Alvin growls and barks viciously at them like a mad dog, forcing them to flee]''
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Gentlemen. ''[The Chipmunks enter her office]'' You threatened to climb inside of him and build a nest.
:'''Simon''': That was out of line. I'm not even sure that's physically possible.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I should suspend all 3 of you.
:'''Alvin''': Please do.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Instead, I have a better idea. Due to budget cutbacks, we are in jeopardy of losing our beloved music program.
:'''Simon''': That's awful.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': I know. But there is one small ray of hope. Every year, the district sponsors a music competition, and the winner's school receives $25,000. If we win, we can save our program.
:'''Simon''': And you want us to perform?
:'''Alvin''': 'Cause I didn't think you were a fan.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Why don't you sleep on it?
:''[she reaches for her jacket, revealing a tattoo of the Chipmunks on her left arm, to the Chipmunks' surprise]''
:'''Alvin''': Wait a minute! What is that?! That's us!
:'''Theodore''': I look skinny.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': ''[shocked that they have noticed]'' Promise me that you won't say anything. A principal has a certain image to uphold, and if the faculty ever found out about this, I could– ''[laughs excitedly and bangs on her desk]'' I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your C.D.'s. I even went to see you last year in Denver. That's where I got this. ''[her tattoo]'' It was my birthday. And I was like, &quot;Ah! The Chipmunks! Ah!&quot;. So, what do you say, will you represent our school?
:'''Alvin''': Honestly, suspension still sounds pretty good to me.
:'''Theodore''': Come on, Alvin. Whattaya say? One for all, and 3 for one.
:'''Simon''': Well put, Theodore. Very well put. Count us in!
:'''Alvin''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Yay.
:'''Dr. Rubin''': Go, Eagles!
:'''Theodore''': Eagles?! Where?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, you promised Theodore we'd hang out. We're watching '''&quot;Meerkat Manor&quot;''' tonight. No pretty girls.
:'''Alvin''': Dude, I can't swing it today, bro.
:'''Simon''': That's what you say every day, Alvin. Need I remind you it's your day to do the laundry?
:'''Ryan''': Better listen to your daddy, Alvin. You don't wanna get grounded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks are rehearsing after meeting and falling in love with the Chipettes]''
:'''Alvin''': ''[referring to Brittany]'' I never thought I'd say this, but, pink is my new favorite color.
:'''Simon''': ''[referring to Jeanette]'' Her glasses were quite fetching.
:'''Theodore''': ''[referring to Eleanor]'' She's like a beautiful green gumdrop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Alvin and Simon fight over a blanket]''
:'''Alvin''': Stop hogging.
:'''Simon''': I'm not hogging.
:'''Alvin''': You might as well be rooting out truffles in the French countryside, because you ''are'', in fact, HOGGING!
:'''Simon''': I'm not!
:'''Alvin''': Are so!
:'''Simon''': Not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': You knew about this, Alvin? Does the word &quot;brother&quot; mean anything to you?
:'''Alvin''': Yes. Of course.
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, he has some new brothers now that he's on the football team.
:'''Simon''': ''[turns to Ryan; irritated through clenched teeth]'' You still haven't picked up that litter.
:'''Ryan''': You want me to get rid of litter?
:'''Simon''': Yeah.
:'''Ryan''': Let's start with you! ''[picks him up]''
:'''Simon''': Hey, let… Let go. Let go! No! ''[Ryan throws him in a nearby trash can]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Alvin, I am going to put this behind us for Theodore's sake.
:'''Alvin''': I know. That's why I'm giving you the Alvin guarantee that I will be at that sing-off, Friday night.
:'''Simon''': Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why wouldn't you be there?
:'''Alvin''': ''[stammering]'' Because I have a… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': What?
:'''Alvin''': A… ''[mumbles]''
:'''Simon''': ''[not understanding]'' You have a what?
:'''Alvin''': A football game! There, I said it! A football game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': ''[sternly]'' Alvin, do ''not'' miss that sing-off.
:'''Alvin''': Don't worry, Simon. I'll be there. I can do both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mext morning, Alvin looks around for Theodore, attempting to apologize to him, but he was nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Alvin''': Theodore? Theodore, I don't blame you for being mad. ''[sees a note on the fridge Theodore left]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs over to the fridge; reading the note]'' '''&quot;I ran away from home. Don't look for me at the zoo, 'cause I'm not there.&quot;''' Oh, no, Theodore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ian''': How about a little moon roof action? Moon roofs are go! ''[opens up the limousine's rooftop]'' Rooves? Moon roof. Roofs? Rooves? Ooh, champagne. Don't mind if I do. ''[picks up and starts to open a champagne bottle while the Chipettes free themselves from their cage to make their escape as he's distracted]'' You know why I don't mind if I do? Because tonight, we've got to toast to a very special someone named me. They said I couldn't do it. They said I'd never bounce back. Guess what? Time to kiss my sweet… ''[opens the bottle's cork and pours some champagne as the Chipettes jump out of the limo]'' Ooh. A toast to the ladies who are gonna make the world forget about the Chipmu… ''[turns around to the empty cage]'' What…?
:'''Eleanor''': ''[giggling while sliding down]'' See ya!
:'''Ian''': No. No, no, no! No! What are you doing? Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Hi, Ian! Good to see you! You never write!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brittany''': I guess I owe you an apology about Ian.
:'''Alvin''': Stick with me, Brit. I'll never steer you wrong.
:'''Brittany''': ''[exclaims]'' Oh, yeah. I'll never doubt you again.
:''[Ian chases after them with a remote-controlled helicopter, laughing maniacally]''
:'''Alvin''': I gotta say, he is definitely persistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks (except Alvin) and Chipettes are all tucked in their beds, ready for sleep]''
:'''Dave''': Look at you. All ready for bed. Looks like the Chipettes are a good influence.
:'''Brittany''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Jeanette''': Thanks, Dave.
:'''Eleanor''': Thanks, Dave. ''[laughs]''
:'''Dave''': Okay, guys. Now lights out. Good night, everybody.
:'''Simon''': Good night, Jeanette.
:'''Jeanette''': Good night, Simon.
:'''Brittany''': Good night, Alvin.
:'''Dave''': Alvin?
:'''Alvin''': I'm not tired.
:'''Dave''': Sorry, but you've got school tomorrow.
:'''Alvin''': Okay.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Zachary Levi|Zachary Levi]] — Toby Seville
* [[David Cross]] — Ian Hawke
* [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — Dave Seville
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — voice of Alvin
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — voice of Simon
* [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — voice of Theodore
* [[Amy Poehler]] — voice of Eleanor
* [[w:Anna Faris|Anna Faris]] — voice of Jeanette
* [[Christina Applegate]] — voice of Brittany
* [[w:Wendie Malick|Wendie Malick]] — Dr. Rubin
* [[w:Anjelah Johnson|Anjelah Johnson]] — Julie
* [[w:Kathryn Joosten|Kathryn Joosten]] — Aunt &quot;Popcorn&quot; Jackie Seville
* [[w:Kevin Schmidt|Kevin G. Schmidt]] — Ryan
* [[w:Chris Warren (actor)|Christopher Warren Jr.]] — Xander

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Bedtime Stories (film)</title>
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        <ip>71.221.204.92</ip>
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      <comment>/* Bobbi Bronson */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Bedtime Stories (film)|Bedtime Stories]]''''' is a 2008 American family-fantasy-comedy film directed by [[w:Adam Shankman|Adam Shankman]] and starring [[Adam Sandler]].

== Skeeter Bronson ==

* [Reffering to Bugsy on his head] What the heck is on my head right now?
* [Skeeter sings to the staff] Barry had a Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Barry had a Nottingham whose beard was white as snow. [Skeeter stops singing] C'mon, give it up for the big man.
* Lucky my wallet only had three dollars, and my Derek Jeter baseball card!
* I'll have me win in the story, so I'll win for real. Do ya dig?
* [Barry Nottingham doesn't want to hug Skeeter because of germs] Let's get past that. OK. Oh, see? Look, your enjoying it. We're hugging, and nothing's happening.
* ''The Big Hotel Idea Story!''
* Gotta babysit my niece and nephew tonight. Oh God. Got any advice for me?
* [talking on the phone from the next room] EMERGENCY! [enters the room] They don't have a TV.
* There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you guys learn that, the better.
* [looking at Bugsy's (guinea pig) eyes] DAAAAAAAAAAH! '''Wow!''' Those would look big on a ''cow!'' Are those eyeballs or ''bowling'' balls? Need to keep my eyes off him, goodbye.

== Jill Hastings ==

* It's not that big, sir. It can fit into one spot.
* Excuse me Mr. Nottingham. My name is Jill Hastings. I'm a teacher at Webster Elementary.
* That's my Prius.
* [to Skeeter after he finds out that the new hotel is replacing Webster Elementary School] Don't destroy the sliver of respect I still have for you by making lame excuses. Just go away and stay away.

== Patrick Bronson ==

* [Skeeter mistakes him for Bobbi] I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.
* Girls are ''bisgrusting'', except for Trisha Sparks.
* [looks at the stars] Oh look. A pyramid.
* You have to read us a bedtime story.


== Bobbi Bronson ==

* [is asked how hamburgers taste] Lifechanging.
* Patrick's never kissed a girl.
* [looking at Skeeter's gifts] Shampoo, and a soap?

== Other ==

* '''Barry Nottingham''' Yes. Now, sign the bloody papers.
* '''Mickey''' [translating Skeeter's gibberish] Jumping up and down on the alligator.
* '''Barry Nottingham''' Germs!
* '''Mickey''' Oh, so positive visualisation. I read a book on that once...I read the back cover...I can't read. [Bugsy starts laughing] Shut up, Bugsy! I've got opposable thumbs. What do you think about that? [Bugsy stops laughing]


== Dialogue ==

* '''Skeeter''' Am I really getting a cherry-red ferrari?
* '''Robber''' I don't see why not.
* '''Skeeter''' For freeeee?!
* '''Robber''' Sounds good to... meeeee?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
* '''Violet Nottingham''' Skeeter? Skeeter Bronson?
* '''Skeeter''' Yes, ma'am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
* '''Skeeter''' Raining gumballs?
* '''Patrick''' Why not? It's a bedtime story: anything can happen.
* '''Skeeter''' Yeah, well I guess, in the story. I just wish it was like that in real life. I really do. [imaginary wind chimes sound]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
* '''Bobbi''' You go into a magical cave.
* '''Skeeter''' Caves are nice.
* '''Bobbi''' And Abe Lincoln's there.
* '''Skeeter''' Abe Lincoln?! What, is this a joke to you?! What the heck's the matter with you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
* '''Skeeter''' So you need me, this is good. I´ll do it. But you will have to say &quot;Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd&quot;.
* '''Wendy''' Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd
* '''Skeeter''' Yeah, you are!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
* '''Marty''': And so Skeeter sat on his bed filled with regret, wondering how to put the pieces of his life back together after one magical week.
* '''Skeeter''': [sarcastic] Great ending, huh?
* '''Marty''': ''That'' was your ending?! I thought this was just a sad part before things got better!
* '''Skeeter''': What do you mean?
* '''Marty''': Well in the stories I told you, just when things looked bleakest, the hero would do something unexpected and courageous to beat the bad guy, save the day and get the girl!
* '''Skeeter''': [inspired] Yeah! How do I do that?
* '''Marty''': It's your story, not mine. But you better get moving; go get 'em, son!

== Cast ==
* [[Adam Sandler]] as Skeeter Bronson
* [[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] as Jill
* [[w:Guy Pearce|Guy Pearce]] as Kendall
* [[Russell Brand]] as Mickey
* [[Richard Griffiths]] as Barry Nottingham
* [[w:Teresa Palmer|Teresa Palmer]] as Violet Nottingham
* [[Lucy Lawless]] as Aspen
* [[Courteney Cox]] as Wendy Bronson
* [[w:Jonathan Morgan Heit|Jonathan Morgan Heit]] as Patrick
* [[w:Laura Ann Kesling|Laura Ann Kesling]] as Bobbi
* [[w:Jonathan Pryce|Jonathan Pryce]] as Marty Bronson
* [[w:Nick Swardson|Nick Swardson]] as Engineer
* [[w:Aisha Tyler|Aisha Tyler]] as Donna Hynde
* [[w:Allen Covert|Allen Covert]] as Ferarri Guy
* [[w:Blake Clark|Blake Clark]] as Biker
* [[w:Kathryn Joosten|Kathryn Joosten]] as Mrs. Dixon
* [[w:Mikey Post|Mikey Post]] as Angry Dwarf
* [[Rob Schneider]] as Indian Chief/The Robber &lt;small&gt;(Uncredited)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Arne Starr|Arne Starr]] as Nottingham Employee/Senator/Cowboy/Spaceman &lt;small&gt;(Uncredited)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Thomas Hoffman|Thomas Hoffman]] as Young Skeeter
* [[w:Abigail Droeger|Abigail Droeger]] as Young Wendy
* [[w:Jonathan Loughran|Jonathan Loughran]] as Party Guest
* [[w:Heather Morris|Heather Morris]] as Cat Dancer

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Bedtime Stories (film)}}
[[Category:2008 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Fantasy-comedy films]]
[[Category:Mermaid films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Nuclear weapons</title>
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      <comment>rvv Undo revision [[Special:Diff/3606927|3606927]] by [[Special:Contributions/2409:4064:2D12:3B18:0:0:2489:BC04|2409:4064:2D12:3B18:0:0:2489:BC04]] ([[User talk:2409:4064:2D12:3B18:0:0:2489:BC04|talk]])</comment>
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      <text bytes="144456" sha1="j083xvugb1cho6sj11yomygp60duzv4" xml:space="preserve">[[File:JFK_inspects_Mercury_capsule,_23_February_1962.jpg|thumb|Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Iran Talks Vienna 14 July 2015 (19067069963).jpg|thumb|Open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9/11. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Detonation_T%26B.jpg|thumb|I am become death, The Shatterer of Worlds. ~ [[Bhagavad Gita]]]]
[[File:Hiroshima_aftermath.jpg|thumb|A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well. ~ [[George F. Kennan]]]]
[[File:MK6_TITAN_II.jpg|thumb|The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance... the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind. ~ [[Herbert George Wells]]]]
[[File:Little boy.jpg|thumb|They have things like the atom bomb, so I'll think I'll stay where I am. Civilization? I'll stay right here! ~ [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]]]]
[[File:Gorbachev 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|...the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet. [[Mikhail Gorbachev]]]]
[[File:AtomicTestingMuseumB53nuclearbomb.jpg|thumb|200px|If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Bravo_fallout2.png|thumb|...the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations. ~ [[Robert McNamara]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Test_-_Lead_lined_Sherman_tank.jpg|thumb|We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man. [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:Fat_Man_Assembly_Tinian_1945.jpg|thumb|200px|It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. ~ [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:SS-24_silo_destruction.jpg|thumb| Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.)  ~ Uri Friedman]]

'''[[w:Nuclear weapons|Nuclear weapons]]''' are explosive devices that derive their destructive force from [[w:nuclear reactions|nuclear reactions]], either [[w:Nuclear fission|fission]] or a combination of fission and [[w:Nuclear fusion|fusion]]. Both reactions release vast quantities of energy from relatively small amounts of matter.

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== A ==
* [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] seeks to wage war against [[Iraq]] and [[Iran]] because they strive to obtain weapons of mass destruction. However, he does not see the weapons being stockpiled in the [[Israel|Israeli]] arsenal... He also does not see [the WMD] in [[China|Chinese]], [[Russia|Russian]], and [[India|Indian]] arsenals... 
** Abd Al-Bari 'Atwan, ''A Rash and Vulgar President'', Al-Quds Al-Arabi (February 1, 2002)

* Man has mounted [[science]], and is now run away with. I firmly believe that before many centuries more, science will be the master of men. The engines he will have invented will be beyond his strength to control. '''Someday science may have the existence of mankind in its power, and the human race commit suicide, by blowing up the world.'''
** [[Henry Adams]], ''Letter to Charles Francis Adams Jr.'', London, 11 April 1862. In J. C. Levenson, E. Samuels, C. Vandersee and V. Hopkins Winner (eds.), ''The Letters of Henry Adams: 1858-1868'' (1982), 1: 290.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* They have things like the atom bomb! So, I'll think I'll stay where I ''am''. [[Civilization]]? I'll stay right here!
** [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]], [http://www.songlyrics.com/the-andrews-sisters/civilization-bongo-bongo-bongo-lyrics/ &quot;Civilization (Bongo, Bongo, Bongo)&quot;] (1947), Decca

* The idea that every nation ought to have an atomic bomb, like every [[Women|woman]] of [[fashion]] ought to have a mink coat, is deplorable.
** [[Clement Attlee]], cited in S. Beer, ''Modern British Politics'',(Faber and Faber, 1965) and Stuart Thompson,''The Dictionary of Labour Quotations'', Biteback Publishing, (2013). 

* The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] Administration must move more quickly to plan for a future in which nuclear weapons are likely to play a greater role in national defense. Hard as it may be to accept, [[Dr. Strangelove]] is back.
** [[w:Michael Auslin|Michael Auslin]] [http://www.forbes.com/sites/realspin/2014/02/27/the-dangerous-degradation-of-the-u-s-nuclear-arsenal/ &quot;The Dangerous Degradation Of The U.S. Nuclear Arsenal&quot;] ''Forbes'' (February 27, 2014).

== B ==
* Now we're all sons-of-bitches.
** {{W|Kenneth Bainbridge}} remark to [[Robert Oppenheimer]] immediately after the first atom bomb test explosion at Alamogordo as quoted in Lansing Lamont, ''Day of Trinity'' (1966), p. 242. 

* On May 28, 1998, [[Pakistan]] conducted five simultaneous underground nuclear test at Ras Koh Hills in the Chagai District of Balochistan against the Baloch citizen's will and mandate, a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]] and against all [[International law|international laws]].
** Balochistan National Congress, as qtd. in [https://www.vietnamtribune.com/news/257370168/baloch-activists-condemn-pak-1998-nuclear-tests &quot;Baloch activists condemn Pak's 1998 nuclear tests&quot;], ANI, ''Vietnam Tribune'', (29 May 2018).

* Pakistan began building [[Pakistan and weapons of mass destruction|nuclear weapons]] in the early [[1970s]], when India became the sole nuclear power in [[South Asia]]. Prime Minister [[Zulfikar Ali Bhutto|Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto]], in power in Pakistan at the time,  famously said ”Ham ghaas kahe ge, mager bomb banahe ge” — “We will eat [[grass]] later, but we will make a bomb.” &lt;br&gt; Shortly before the 1998 tests, the Pakistani government announced that it had chosen a deserted area in Chagai district to conduct them. But in his 2014 Master’s thesis, titled “Impacts of Nuclear Tests on Chagai,” Abdul Raziq reveals that the area was actually a village and was not deserted. He writes that the blasts took place on one mountain in the [[w:Ras Koh|Ras Koh]] mountain range (Koh-E-Kamran), in the village of Chehtar in Chagai district. While the government claimed that there were “only ten households near to the site, who were shifted to a safer place,” Raziq reports that there were many households near the site, and that even if the tests were conducted one kilometer from the ten households the government says were moved, it would not have kept them safe. “Four thousand people were affected from the blasts,” he writes. “Even the government did not facilitate the people who were displaced and dislocated.”
** Shah Meer Baloch, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/05/the-fallout-from-pakistans-nuclear-tests/ &quot;The Fallout From Pakistan's Nuclear Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat'', (May 29, 2017).

* Countries keep most details of their nuclear weapons secret, but it is known that nine countries own the estimated more than 9,000 nuclear weapons that are in military service. These are either deployed - mounted on land or sea missiles and kept at air bases - or in storage. About 1800 are on high alert and could be fired with little warning. &lt;br&gt; The US and Russia own the vast majority of the world's nuclear weapons. &lt;br&gt; Including retired warheads waiting to be dismantled, the total is said to be almost 15,000, according to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (Sipri). This is a marked decline since the [[1980s]] when the figure peaked at around 70,000.
** ''BBC News'', [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-42873633 “Reality Check: Where are the world's nuclear weapons?”], Reality Check, (2 February 2018).

* People in several Chinese border cities reported feeling the tremors from the seismic activity at the time of the test.&lt;br /&gt;School children ran out into the open in the city of Yanji, which is 10km (6.25 miles) from the border, when they felt the shaking, ''[[w:Global Times|Global Times]]'' reported.&lt;br /&gt;Very close to the site is Punngye-ri village and about 80km away is the North Korean city of Chongjin, but it is not known if these towns were evacuated or warned in any way.
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-41144315 &quot;Punggye-ri: What we know about North Korea's nuclear test site&quot;] ''BBC News'' (29 April 2018).

* As the Director of the Theoretical Division of Los Alamos, I participated at the most senior level in the [[World War II]] [[Manhattan Project]] that produced the first atomic weapons.&lt;br /&gt;Now, at age 88, I am one of the few remaining such senior persons alive. Looking back at the half century since that time, I feel the most intense relief that these weapons have not been used [[Aftermath of World War II|since World War II]], mixed with the horror that tens of thousands of such weapons have been built since that time—one hundred times more than any of us at Los Alamos could ever have imagined.&lt;br /&gt;Today we are rightly in an era of [[disarmament]] and [[Arms control|dismantlement of nuclear weapons]]. But in some countries nuclear weapons development still continues. Whether and when the various Nations of the World can agree to stop this is uncertain. But individual scientists can still influence this process by withholding their skills. &lt;br&gt; Accordingly, I call on all [[scientists]] in all countries to cease and desist from work creating, developing, improving and manufacturing further nuclear weapons - and, for that matter, other weapons of potential mass destruction such as chemical and biological weapons.
** {{w|Hans Albrecht Bethe}} On the 50th anniversary of Hiroshima in letter, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Nov 1995), 51:6, p. 3.

* There are clear and predictable consequences for the world if human beings continue to rape the earth and plunder its resources; to exploit, oppress, and dominate the weak and the poor for the sake of greed and the hunger for power; to depend on ever-rising levels of violence and ever more lethal instruments of death and destruction in order to secure positions of power and privilege.
** [[Allan Boesak]], ''Comfort and Protest'' (1987), pp. 65-66

* The House should express its opposition to the escalation of the nuclear [[w:arms race|arms race]] by any [[nation]] and, in particular, its opposition to [[Canada]]'s participation by testing in Canada any [[nuclear weapon]] or nuclear weapon delivery vehicle such as, and including, the [[w:Cruise missile|cruise missile]]. 
** Edward Broadbent, Canadian House of Commons speech, (July 1, 1983); as qtd in John Clearwater, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Just_Dummies.html?id=x1dL_4n8QcYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;&quot;Just Dummies&quot;: Cruise Missile Testing in Canada&quot;], (2005), p.52.

* We will be making a sufficient but necessary contribution if we simply jar the prevalent complacency on the doctrine of shoot-from-the-hip-and-empty-the-magazine.
** [[Bernard Brodie]], remarking on the prevalent 1950's strategy of massive retaliation, colloquially know as the [[w:SIOP|'Sunday Punch']]. (Cited from a semi-classified [[w:Rand Corporation|RAND]] document, ''Must We shoot From the Hip?'')

* We may as well admit that the strictly tactical problem of destroying Manhattan is already absurdly easy, and time promises to make it no less easy. That is only to say that its protection, if it can be protected, is henceforward a strategic and political problem rather than a tactical one.
** [[Bernard Brodie]] , &quot;Strategy in the Missile Age&quot; (1959), [http://www.rand.org/pubs/commercial_books/CB137-1.html]

* On the eve of the [[Arab-Israeli conflict|Arab-Israeli war]], 50 years ago this week, Israeli officials raced to assemble an atomic device and developed a plan to detonate it atop a mountain in the [[w:Sinai_Peninsula|Sinai Peninsula]] as a warning to [[Egypt|Egyptian]] and other [[Arabs|Arab]] forces, according to an interview with a key organizer of the effort that will be published Monday. &lt;br&gt; The secret contingency plan, called a “doomsday operation” by Itzhak Yaakov, the retired brigadier general who described it in the interview, would have been invoked if Israel feared it was going to lose the 1967 conflict. The demonstration blast, Israeli officials believed, would intimidate Egypt and surrounding Arab states — [[Syria]], [[Iraq]] and [[Jordan]] — into backing off. &lt;br&gt; Israel won the war so quickly that the atomic device was never moved to Sinai. But Mr. Yaakov’s account, which sheds new light on a clash that shaped the contours of the modern [[Middle East]] conflict, reveals Israel’s early consideration of how it might use its nuclear arsenal to preserve itself. &lt;br&gt; “It’s the last secret of the [[w:Six-Day_War|1967 war]],” said Avner Cohen, a leading scholar of Israel’s nuclear history who conducted many interviews with the retired general.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* If the Israeli leadership had detonated the atomic device, it would have been the first nuclear explosion used for military purposes since the [[United States]]’ [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki]] 22 years earlier. &lt;br&gt; The plan had a precedent: The United States considered the same thing during the Manhattan Project, as the program’s scientists hotly debatedwhether to set off a blast near [[Japan during World War II|Japan]] in an effort to scare [[Hirohito|Emperor Hirohito]] into a quick surrender. The military vetoed the idea, convinced that it would not be enough to end the war.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* [[w:Punggye-ri|Punggye-ri]] is located in the remote, mountainous northeastern section of the country. The test site is believed to have been established in the early 2000s, and it became widely known following the North's first nuclear test in 2006. The smattering of journalists from the U.S., U.K., [[South Korea]], China and Russia took a reported 20-hour journey by train and bus from Wonsan, on [[North Korea]]'s east coast, to get to Punggye-ri for the nuclear site dismantlement. &lt;br&gt; In addition to being remote, experts say Punggye-ri is an ideal test site. &quot;From a geologic perspective, it's a really good choice,&quot; says Frank Pabian, an imagery analyst at 38 North with a long background in studying nuclear testing. Most of the test tunnels lie under Mount Mantap, a granite mountain that is perfect for containing powerful nuclear explosions.
** Geoff Brumfiel, Elise Hu, [https://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2018/05/24/613465473/north-korea-demolishes-its-nuclear-test-site-in-a-huge-explosion &quot;North Korea Demolishes Its Nuclear Test Site In A 'Huge Explosion'&quot;], (May 24, 2018).

== C ==
[[File:EMP_mechanism.png|thumb|You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again. ~ [[John Carpenter]]]]
* The American, English and French [[newspapers]] are spewing out elegant dissertations on the atomic bomb. We can sum it up in a single phrase: mechanized civilization has just achieved the last degree of savagery.
** [[Albert Camus]], ''Combat'', 8th August 1945. Quoted in ''In a Dark Time'' Nicholas Humphrey, Robert Jay Lifton, 1984, (p.27).

* In April 1946, the sleepy town of [[w:Sarov|Sarov]] with a population of 3000 (best known for its monastery), 400 km east of [[Moscow]], was converted into the super-secret atomic weapons city of [[w:Arzamas-16|Arzamas-16]] (sometimes nick-named &quot;Los Arzamas&quot;). For over 45 years Sarov disappeared from the map, to reappear under its original name of Sarov after the [[w:dissolution_of_the_Soviet_Union|collapse of the Soviet Union]]. Throughout this 45 year period it was headed by one man: Yuli Khariton, Scientific Director of Arzamas-16 from 1946 to 1992.
** Sublette, Carey. [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Russia/Sovwpnprog.html &quot;The Soviet Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], nuclearweaponarchive.org. (Retrieved 21 April 2017).

* You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again.
** [[John Carpenter]], ''[[Escape from L.A.]]'', (1996)

* May there not be methods of using explosive [[energy]] incomparably more intense than anything heretofore discovered? Might not a bomb no bigger than an [[Oranges|orange]] be found to possess a secret power to destroy a whole block of [[Building|buildings]]—nay, to concentrate the force of a thousand tons of cordite and blast a township at a stroke? Could not explosives even of the existing type be guided automatically in flying machines by [[Radio|wireless]] or other rays, without a human pilot, in ceaseless procession upon a hostile city, arsenal, camp or dockyard? 
** [[Winston Churchill]], &quot;Shall We All Commit Suicide?&quot; ''Pall Mall'' (Sep 1924). Reprinted in Thoughts and Adventures (1932), 250. 

* Be careful above all things not to let go of the atomic weapon until you are sure, and more than sure, that other means of preserving [[peace]] are in your hands.
** [[Winston Churchill]], Final Speech to US Congress, as cited in ''The War That Must Never Be Fought: Dilemmas of Nuclear Deterrence''

* The atomic bomb is the [[Second Coming]] in [[Wrath]].
** [[Winston Churchill]], on hearing about the [[w:Trinity test|Trinity test]], as recollected in Harvey H. Bundy, &quot;Remembered Words,&quot; ''The Atlantic'' (March 1957).

* It is arguable whether the [[human race]] have been gainers by the march of [[science]] beyond the [[steam engine]]. [[Electricity]] opens a field of infinite conveniences to ever greater numbers, but they may well have to pay dearly for them. But anyhow in my thought I stop short of the [[w:Internal_combustion_engine|internal combustion engine]] which has made the [[world]] so much smaller. Still more must we fear the consequences of entrusting a human race so little different from their predecessors of the so-called barbarous ages such awful agencies as the atomic bomb. Give me the [[Horses|horse]]. 
** [[Winston Churchill]], address to the [[w:Royal College of Surgeons|Royal College of Surgeons]] (10 Jul 1951). Collected in ''Stemming the Tide: Speeches 1951 and 1952'' (1953), p. 91.

* The men who dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima on 6 August 1945 were deploying [[technology]] that had taken decades to develop. Nonetheless, in carrying out that act, these US airmen did effect an almost immediate transformation in the nature of warfare and in attitudes towards it. 
** [[:w:Linda Colley|Linda Colley]]&lt;ref&gt;https://web.archive.org/web/20200110112239/https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v40/n06/linda-colley/can-history-help&lt;/ref&gt;

* On 17th July there came to us at Potsdam the eagerly-awaited news of the trial of the atomic bomb in the [[New Mexico|[New] Mexican]] [[desert]]. Success beyond all dreams crowded this sombre, magnificent venture of our American allies. The detailed reports... could leave no doubt in the minds of the very few who were informed, that we were in the presence of a new factor in human affairs, and possessed of powers which were irresistible. 
** [[Winston Churchill]] from his final review of the war and his first major speech as [[w:Leader of the Opposition|Leader of the Opposition]] in the [[w:House of Commons|House of Commons]] (16 Aug 1945). In Robert Rhodes James, ed., ''Winston S. Churchill: His Complete Speeches'', 1897-1963 (1974), Vol. 1, 7210

== D ==
* The [[w:historical record|historical record]] of [[terrorists]] pursuing nuclear and radiological capabilities is small in size, complicated by significant information gaps, and not well understood. The size of the [[w:dataset|dataset]] and the considerable unknowns about the cases where groups have sought these capabilities make it difficult to assess the nature of the danger and to anticipate new developments in the nature of the threat. However, given the potential consequences of terrorist theft of a nuclear weapon or indigenous development of a nuclear device—even one employing a crude design that produces only a small nuclear yield—poses a serious danger that the United States and other allied nations must take extraordinary measures to thwart. Developing an effective and comprehensive strategy to prevent terrorist acquisition of nuclear and radiological weapons capabilities must begin with a thorough understanding of the historical record of terrorist efforts and opportunities to acquire these capabilities.
** Sara Daly, John Parachini, William Rosenau, [https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/documented_briefings/2005/RAND_DB458.pdf “Aum Shinrikyo, Al Qaeda, and the Kinshasa Reactor Implications of Three Case Studies for Combating Nuclear Terrorism”], ''Rand Project Airforce'', (2005), p. iii.

* [[France]]'s past as a prolific nuclear weapons tester returned to haunt it today as a [[French Armed Forces|military]] report appeared to prove that [[soldiers]] had been deliberately exposed to the [[w:Radioactive_fallout|radioactive fallout]] of explosions in the [[w:Sahara|Sahara]] desert. &lt;br&gt; The [[w:Government_of_France|French government]], which carried out more than 200 tests of its nuclear weapons arsenal from 1960 to 1996, has always claimed the operations were carried out as safely as possible.
** Lizzy Davies, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/feb/16/france-soldiers-exposed-nuclear-radiation &quot;France Soldiers Exposed Nuclear Radiation&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (16 Feb 2010).

* Do not be so naive. With economic conditions the way they are in Russia today, anyone with enough money can buy a nuclear bob. It's no big deal really.
** Vladimir K. Dmitriev, as quoted in Pete Earley, [https://books.google.com/books?id=TxxynN0KTJcC &quot;Comrade J: The Untold Secrets of Russia's Master Spy in America After the End of the Cold War&quot;]

* As previous work has pointed out, the nuking of a sufficiently large [[city]] would be enough to generate a global-scale nuclear autumn. Take [[Los Angeles]], for example, a city that extends for 500 square miles. The explosion and resulting fires would send an estimated 5.5 million tons of ash and soot into the stratosphere, causing sunlight, temperatures, and rainfall to temporarily decrease around the world. Globally, this would result in diminished growing seasons for the next half-decade, and temperatures would be the lowest in a thousand years. In some parts of the world, rainfall would be down by as much as 80 percent. &lt;br&gt; But unlike this earlier work, which focused on relatively small, 15-kiloton nukes exploding over cities, the new study looked at whether today’s more powerful weapons could trigger nuclear autumn all on their own. They can. Liska and his colleagues found that the [[US]], [[Russia]], and [[China]] all have weapons that could trigger a nuclear autumn through the detonation of fewer than five bombs. 
** George Dvorsky, [https://gizmodo.com/limited-nuclear-strikes-could-still-wreak-climate-hav-1796931266 &quot;‘Limited’ Nuclear Strikes Could Still Wreak Climate Havoc&quot;], ''Gizmodo'', (7/14/17).

*now we got weapons/Of chemical dust/If fire them we’re forced to/Then fire them we must/One push of the button/And a shot the world wide/And you never ask questions/When God’s on your side /If God’s on our side/They’ll stop the next war   
**[[Bob Dylan]], With God on Our Side 1964

== E ==
* Some recent work by [[Enrico Fermi|E. Fermi]] and [[Leó Szilárd|L. Szilard]], which has been communicated to me in manuscript, leads me to expect that the element [[w:Uranium|uranium]] may be turned into [[Nuclear power|a new and important source of energy]] in the immediate future. Certain aspects of the situation seem to call for watchfulness and, if necessary, quick action on the part of the Administration...&lt;p&gt;This new phenomenon would also lead to the construction of [[bombs]], and it is conceivable—though much less certain—that extremely powerful bombs of a new type may thus be constructed. A single bomb of this type, carried by [[Boats|boat]] or exploded in a port, might very well destroy the whole port together with some of the surrounding territory. However, such bombs might very well prove to be too heavy for [[Transport|transportation]] by [[air]].
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to President [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (August 2, 1939, delivered October 11, 1939); reported in ''Einstein on Peace'', ed. Otto Nathan and Heinz Norden (1960, reprinted 1981), pp. 294–95.

* The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
** [[Albert Einstein]], Statement on the Atomic Bomb to Raymond Swing, before 1 October 1945, as reported in ''Atlantic Monthly'', vol. 176, no. 5 (November 1945), in ''Einstein on Politics'', p. 373

* Today the atomic bomb has altered profoundly the nature of the world as we know it, and the human race consequently finds itself in a new habitat to which it must adapt its thinking.
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Only Then Shall We Find Courage&quot;, ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 June 1946).

* Nuclear proliferation is on the rise. Equipment, material and training were once largely inaccessible. Today, however, there is a sophisticated worldwide network that can deliver systems for producing material usable in weapons. The demand clearly exists: countries remain interested in the illicit acquisition of weapons of mass destruction. &lt;br&gt; If we sit idly by, this trend will continue. Countries that perceive themselves to be vulnerable can be expected to try to redress that vulnerability — and in some cases they will pursue clandestine weapons programs. The supply network will grow, making it easier to acquire nuclear weapon expertise and materials. Eventually, inevitably, terrorists will gain access to such materials and technology, if not actual weapons. &lt;br&gt;If the world does not change course, we risk self-destruction.
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], ''Saving Ourselves From Self-Destruction'' (2004), [http://www.iaea.org/NewsCenter/Statements/2004/ebNYT20040212.html Op-Ed essay] published in ''The New York Times'' (12 February 2004).

== F ==
* The modernization and expansion of nuclear arsenals in multiple countries, combined with the lack of diplomatic efforts to reduce nuclear risks, have increased the likelihood of catastrophe.  Development of hypersonic glide vehicles, ballistic missile defenses, and weapons-delivery systems that can use conventional or nuclear warheads raise the probability of miscalculation during a crisis.  By our estimation, the potential for the world to stumble into [[nuclear war]]—an ever-present danger over the last 75 years—increased in 2020.
** Steve Fetter as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

* We scientists are clever—too clever—are you not satisfied? Is four square miles in one bomb not enough? Men are still thinking. Just tell us how big you want it! 
** [[Richard P. Feynman]] as quoted in James Gleick, ''Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman'' (1992), 204.

* Although the use of lethal weaponry predates the Cold War—in [[Colonialism|Europe’s imperial wars]] and in [[World War I|World Wars I]] and II there was [[Civilian casualties|mass killing of civilians]] and warriors—the advent of the atomic bomb utterly transformed [[international relations]]. Once both sides possessed weapons capable of not only destroying the other’s territory and population but also contaminating large parts of the [[earth]], the [[Cold War]] developed into a rigid struggle driven by fear and a costly arms race. While nuclear weapons intensified several major Cold War crises, the threat of [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]] also served as a brake on the Superpowers.
** Carole C. Fink, ''The Cold War: An International History'' (2017), p. 2
* [[w:Bikini Islands|Bikini islanders]] and their [[descendants]] have lived in [[exile]] since they were moved for the first weapons tests in 1946. When [[Federal government of the United States|US government]] scientists declared Bikini safe for resettlement some residents were allowed to return in the early [[1970s]]. But they were removed again in 1978 after ingesting high levels of [[w:Radiation|radiation]] from eating foods grown on the former nuclear test site.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* US nuclear experiments in the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] ended in 1958 after 67 tests. But a [[United Nations]] report in 2012 said the effects were long-lasting. Special rapporteur Calin Georgescu, in a report to the [[United Nations Human Rights Council|UN human rights council]], said “near-irreversible [[Environmental degradation|environmental contamination]]” had led to the loss of livelihoods and many people continued to experience “indefinite displacement”.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.) &lt;br&gt; Only [[South Africa]] has dismantled nuclear weapons that it constructed and controlled. In this sense, it is the closest analogue to what U.S. officials have in mind when they demand the “denuclearization of the [[Korean peninsula]].”
** Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Uri Friedman''': Why did the [[South African]] government, in the mid-1970s, decide to embark on a nuclear-weapons program?
:'''F.W. de Klerk''': The main motivation was the expansionist policies of the [[Soviet Union|U.S.S.R.]] in southern Africa. They were supporting all the [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Africa|African]]] liberation movements—they were supplying weapons and training—and it was part of their vision to gain direct or indirect control over most of the countries in [[southern Africa]]. They financed the deployment of many thousands of [[Cuba|Cuban]] troops, especially to [[w:Angolan_Civil_War|Angola]], and this was interpreted as a threat first by Prime Minister [[John Vorster]], and following upon him [[P. W. Botha|P.W. Botha]]. [The nuclear arsenal] was never intended, I think, to be used. It was a deterrent. Because of [[apartheid]] South Africa was becoming more and more isolated in the eyes of the rest of the world. There wouldn’t be, in the case of Russian aggression or invasion, assistance from the international community. It was felt that, if we have nuclear weapons, and if we then would disclose in a crisis that we have [them], it would change the political scenario and the U.S.A. and other [Western] countries might step in and assist South Africa.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Friedman''': In an op-ed in 2013 in the Los Angeles Times, you wrote, “South Africa has illustrated that long-term security can be far better assured by the abrogation of nuclear weapons than by their retention.” It seems that [[Kim Jong-un|Kim Jong Un]] of North Korea has, at least according to his propaganda, learned the opposite lesson: that if you’re [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Libya]]’s [[Muammar Gaddafi|Muammar] Qaddafi]] or [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam [Hussein]] in Iraq] and you give up your [pursuit of] nuclear weapons, you reduce your security [and bring about your demise at the hands of the U.S. and its allies]. Or if you’re Ukraine and you sign up to the [[w:Budapest_Memorandum|Budapest Memorandum]], and then Russia two decades later invades you, that you’ve actually given up security by relinquishing nuclear weapons.
:'''De Klerk''': I still agree with [what I wrote]. Ultimately, the world will be safe only when all the nuclear states follow South Africa’s example and dismantle their nuclear weapons.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

== G ==
[[File:Nuclear reactor in dimona (israel).jpg|thumb|There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]] ]]
* There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. '''How can the Arabs and [[Muslim|Muslims]] recognize so-called Israel while it owns the nuclear arsenal? this is impossible, unless they also enjoyed the right of having their own nuclear arsenal,''' there is also the [[1948 Palestinian exodus|refugees problem]] there are 4 million [[Palestine|Palestinians]] who should return this is the basis of the problem.
** [[Muammar Gaddafi]], Talk to Al-Jazeera (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

* I regard the employment of the atom bomb for the wholesale destruction of [[Man|men]], [[women]] and [[children]] as the most diabolical use of science.
** [[Mohandas Gandhi]], ''Harijan'', 29 September 1946, quoted in ''The Making of the Indian Atomic Bomb:Science, Secrecy and the Postcolonial State'' by Itty Abraham, Zed Books, 1998. (p. 30).

* So far as I can see the atomic bomb has deadened the finest feeling that has sustained mankind for ages. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], (1946). In William Borman, ''Gandhi and Non-Violence'' (1986), 170. 

* [[Nonviolence|Non-violence]] … is the only thing that the atom bomb cannot destroy. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], in William Borman, Gandhi and Non-Violence (1986), 170. 

* Decay and desolation scar the landscape of a remote corner of the Kazakh Steppe. Unnatural lakes formed by nuclear bomb explosions pockmark the once flat terrain, broken up only by empty shells of buildings. It appears uninhabitable. And yet, ghosts – living and dead – haunt the land, still burdened by the effects a nuclear testing program that stopped nearly 30 years ago. &lt;br&gt; The site, known as the Polygon, was home to nearly a quarter of the world’s nuclear tests during the Cold War. The zone was chosen for being unoccupied, but several small [[Agriculture|agricultural]] villages dot its perimeter. Though some residents were bussed out during the test period, most remained. The damage that continues today is visceral.
** Alexandra Genova, [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/proof/2017/10/nuclear-ghosts-kazakhstan/ &quot;This Is What Nuclear Weapons Leave in Their Wake&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (October 13, 2017).

*You have not only [[Fox News|Fox]], but [[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] and [[w:NBC|NBC]]-yes, owned by [[w:General_Electric|General Electric]], one of the major nuclear weapons manufacturers in the world. MSNBC and NBC, as well as FOX, titling their coverage taking the name of what the Pentagon calls the [[Iraq War|invasion of Iraq]]: 'Operation Iraqi Freedom'...They research the most effective [[Propaganda|propagandistic]] name to call their operation.
**[[Amy Goodman]] Independent Media in a Time of War (2003).

* Never before has so terrible a threat loomed so large and dark over mankind as these days. The only reasonable way out of the existing situation is agreement of the confronting forces on an immediate termination of the race in arms, above all, nuclear arms, on Earth and its prevention in [[space]]. An agreement on an honest and equitable basis without attempts at outplaying the other side and dictating terms to it. An agreement which would help all to advance toward the cherished goal: the complete elimination and prohibition of nuclear weapons for good, toward the complete removal of the threat of nuclear war. This is our firm conviction.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.upi.com/Archives/1985/03/11/Excerpts-from-Gorbachevs-first-speech-as-USSR-leader/7718246188921/ Speech to the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union] (11 March 1985)

* The [[Chernobyl disaster|accident at Chernobyl]] showed again what an abyss will open if [[nuclear war]] befalls mankind. For inherent in the nuclear arsenals stockpiled are thousands upon thousands of disasters far more horrible than the Chernobyl one.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.nytimes.com/1986/05/15/world/excerpts-from-gorbachev-s-speech-on-chernobyl-accident.html Speech on the Chernobyl accident] (15 May 1986)

* '''As long as weapons of mass destruction exist, primarily nuclear weapons, the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet.'''
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] in [[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger’'']], [[w: BBC World News|BBC World News]],(4 November 2019)

* Nuclear weapons are like a rifle hanging on the wall in a play. We did not write the play, we are not staging it and we do not know what the author intends. Anyone could take the rifle from the wall at any time.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], ''What Is At Stake Now'' (2020)

* As those exposed to it later told investigators, the black mist caused their eyes to sting and their skin to break out in rashes. Others vomited and suffered from diarrhea. &lt;br&gt; It took almost three decades until the cause of the mist was acknowledged as the [[w:Operation Totem|Totem I]] nuclear bomb test, as Indigenous people had been claiming for years. &lt;br&gt; That test was one of a number conducted in the 1950s and '60s, not by the [[Australian]] government, but by its former colonial master, the [[UK]]. Today, 65 years after the Totem I test, the effects are still being felt in [[South Australia]] and beyond.
** James Griffiths, [https://www.cnn.com/2018/10/14/australia/australia-uk-nuclear-tests-anniversary-intl/index.html &quot;Australia is still dealing with the legacy of the UK's nuclear bomb tests, 65 years on&quot;],, ''CNN'' (October 14, 2018).

* This weapon [the atomic bomb] has added an additional responsibility—or, better, an additional incentive—to find a sound basis for lasting peace. It provides an overwhelming inducement for the avoidance of war. It emphasizes the crisis we face in international matters and strengthens the conviction that adequate safeguards for peace must be found. 
** {{W|Leslie Richard Groves}} Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* I first met J. Robert Oppenheimer on October 8, 1942, at [[University of California, Berkeley|Berkeley]], [[California|Calif.]] There we discussed the theoretical research studies he was engaged in with respect to the [[physics]] of the bomb. Our discussions confirmed my previous belief that we should bring all of the widely scattered theoretical work together. … He expressed complete agreement, and it was then that the idea of the prompt establishment of a Los Alamos was conceived.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]] In 'Some Recollections of July 16, 1945', ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Jun 1970), 26, No. 6, 21. 

* In answer to the question, “Was the development of the atomic bomb by the United States necessary?” I reply unequivocally, “Yes.” To the question, “Is atomic energy a force for good or for evil?” I can only say, “As mankind wills it.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]], Final statements in ''And Now It Can Be Told: The Story Of The Manhattan Project'' (1962), 415. 

* It is only when science asks why, instead of simply describing how, that it becomes more than technology. &lt;p&gt; When it asks why, it discovers Relativity. When it only shows how, it invents the atomic bomb, and then puts its hands over its eyes and says, &quot;My God what have I done?&quot;
** [[Ursula Le Guin]], &quot;The Stalin in the Soul&quot; in ''The Language of the Night'', 1976.

== H ==
[[File:Godzilla_(1954).jpg|thumb|[[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]]. ~ [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]]]
* [[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]].
** Makoto Hayashida, portrayed by Yosuke Natsuki in ''[[The Return of Godzilla]]'' (1984), directed by [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]

* On July 10, 1985, two bombs exploded in [[Auckland|Auckland Harbor]], [[New Zealand]]. The blasts sank the ''[[w:Sinking of the Rainbow Warrior|Rainbow Warrior]]'', a ship owned by the international organization Greenpeace, and killed a [[Portugal|Portuguese]] photographer on board. Greenpeace had been preparing the ''Rainbow Warrior'' to lead a protest flotilla to the [[French]] nuclear testing site at [[w:Mururoa Atoll|Mururoa Atoll]] in the [[w:South Pacific|South Pacific]]. Two months after the Auckland Harbor incident, French officials admitted their government's responsibility for destroying the ''Rainbow Warrior''.  &lt;br&gt; Officials of the [[United States]] also were concerned about the ''Rainbow Warrior's'' presence in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific]]: [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] had protested against [[American]] missile testing in [[Canada]] less than six months earlier, and the United Stated conducts a major missile testing program at the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] in the Pacific. The Marshall Islands tests, while not currently involving nuclear explosions, still present serious hazards for ships navigating near missile targets. Frequently, these hazards extend into ocean areas outside United States territorial waters. If a vessel like the ''Rainbow Warrior'' entered such waters at the time of a planned test, the United States would probably have to postpone the test - at considerable cost - or remove the ship, an action that might violate [[international law]]. This Note addresses this potential dilemma and explores the conflict between two policies of the United States: acceptance of the international principle of [[w:Freedom_of_the_seas|freedom of the seas]] and use of those seas for exclusive purposes. The aggressive political activities of organizations such as Greenpeace suggest that this conflict may have more than academic import.
** ''Harvard Law Review'', [https://www.jstor.org/stable/1341242 “Exclusion of Ships from Nonterritorial Weapons Testing Zones”], Vol. 99, No. 5 (Mar., 1986), pp. 1040.

* Anyone who thinks we can continue to have world wars but make them nice polite affairs by outlawing this weapon or that should meditate upon the outlawing of the cross-bow by Papal authority. Setting up the machinery for international law and order must surely precede disarmament. The Wild West did not abandon its shooting irons till after sheriffs and courts were established. 
** {{W|Joel H. Hildebrand}} Speech, American Library Association Conference (3 Jul 1947), as quoted by Lawrence E. Davies in &quot;Army's Atomic Bid Viewed in Making,&quot; ''New York Times'' (4 Jul 1947), 11. 

* For years after World War II, both the United States and the Soviet Union had been trying to perfect a long-range missile capable of carrying nuclear warheads. Building on the successes of [[Nazi Germany]] in developing the V-1 and V-2 rockets that pummeled [[Great Britain]] during the last months of World War II, both American and Russian scientists raced to improve the range and accuracy of such missiles. (Both nations relied heavily on captured [[Germans|German]] scientists in their efforts.) In July 1957, the United States seemed to win the race when the [[w:Atlas missiles|Atlas]], an [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] with a speed of up to 20,000 miles an hour and an effective range of 5,000 miles, was ready for testing. The test, however, was a disaster. The missile rose only about 5,000 feet into the air, tumbled, and plunged to earth. Just a month later, the Soviets claimed success by announcing that their own [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] had been tested, had “covered a huge distance in a brief time,” and “landed in the target area.” No details were given in the Russian announcement and some commentators in the United States doubted that the ICBM test had been as successful as claimed. Nevertheless, the Soviet possession of this “ultimate weapon,” coupled with recent successful test by the Russians of atomic and hydrogen bombs, raised concerns in America. If the Soviets did indeed perfect their ICBM, no part of the United States would be completely safe from possible atomic attack.
** ''History.com'', [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/russia-tests-an-intercontinental-ballistic-missile  “Russia tests an intercontinental ballistic missile”]. 

* With regard to [[nuclear weapons]], the situation is far more dangerous than the last [[Doomsday Clock|Doomsday Clock report]]. New weapons systems under development are much more effectively dangerous. '''The Biden administration, expanding upon Trump’s confrontational approach, has [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] at a loss for words to describe the danger at hand. Only recently, [[Joe Biden|Biden]] met with [[NATO]] leaders and instructed them to plan on two wars, [[China]] and [[Russia]]. According to Chomsky: “This is beyond [[insanity]].” Not only that, the group is carrying out provocative acts when [[diplomacy]] is really needed.''' This is an extraordinarily dangerous situation.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021) 

*'''According to [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]], the Doomsday Clock setting at 100 seconds to midnight is based upon: (1) [[global warming]] (2) [[nuclear war]] and (3) [[disinformation]], or the collapse of any kind of rational discourse.''' As such, number three makes it impossible to deal with the first two major problems. Along those lines, within the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] there’s virtually a disappearance of any pretense of rational discourse. Twenty-five (25%) percent of Republicans [[QAnon|believe the government is run by an elite satanic group of pedophiles]]. Seventy percent (70%) of [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] believe that the [[2020 United States presidential election|election]] was [[Electoral fraud|stolen]]. Only fifteen percent (15%) of Republicans believe that global warming is a serious problem. Therein lies an insurmountable problem to solving the main issues that continually tick the clock ever closer to a disaster scenario that will likely be unprecedented in the annals of warfare and environmental degradation.   As a result, Chomsky says: “We’re living in a world of total illusion and fantasy.” Accordingly, “Unless this is dealt with soon, it’ll be impossible to deal with the two major issues within the time span that we have available, which is not very long.” 
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021)

* The use of the atomic bomb with its indiscriminate killing of women and children, revolts my soul. 
** [[Herbert Hoover]], Letter (8 Aug 1945) to Colonel John Callan O’Laughlin, publisher of Army an Navy Journal, as quoted in Gar Alperovitz, The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb (1996), 459. Cited as O’Laughlin Correspondence File, Box 171, Post-Presidential Papers, Herbert Hoover Presidential Library.

== I ==
* The belief of some [[Government|governments]] that nuclear weapons are a legitimate and essential source of security is not only misguided, but also dangerous, for it incites proliferation and undermines disarmament. All nations should reject these weapons completely — before they are ever used again. &lt;br /&gt; This is a time of great global tension, when fiery rhetoric could all too easily lead us, inexorably, to unspeakable horror. The specter of nuclear conflict looms large once more. If ever there were a moment for nations to declare their unequivocal opposition to nuclear weapons, that moment is now.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

* We applaud those nations that have already signed and ratified the [[w:Treaty_on_the_Prohibition_of_Nuclear_Weapons|Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons]], and we urge all others to follow their lead. It offers a pathway forward at a time of alarming crisis. Disarmament is not a pipe dream, but an urgent humanitarian necessity.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

== J ==
* Fifty years ago, on Jan. 21, 1968, the [[Cold War]] grew significantly colder. It was on this day that an American [[w:B-52G Stratofortress bomber|B-52G Stratofortress bomber]], carrying four nuclear bombs, crashed onto the sea ice of Wolstenholme Fjord in the northwest corner of [[Greenland]], one of the coldest places on [[Earth]]. Greenland is part of the [[Kingdom of Denmark]], and the Danes were not pleased.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

* After the crash, the United States and Denmark had very different ideas about how to deal with HOBO 28’s wreckage and radioactivity. The U.S. wanted to just let the bomber wreckage sink into the fjord and remain there, but Denmark wouldn’t allow that. Denmark wanted all the wreckage gathered up immediately and moved, along with all of the radioactively contaminated ice, to the United States. Since the fate of the Thule Air Base hung in the balance, the U.S. agreed to Denmark’s demands.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

== K ==
[[File:WMD_world_map.svg|thumb|We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate. ~ [[Martin Luther King]]]]
* The unacceptability of the Doomsday Machine raises awkward, unpleasant, and complicated questions that must be considered by both policy maker and technician. If it is not acceptable to risk the lives of the three billion inhabitants of the earth in order to protect ourselves from surprise attack, then how many people would we be willing to risk? I believe that both the United States and [[NATO]] would reluctantly be willing to envisage the possibility of one or two hundred million people (i.e., about five times more than World War II deaths) dying from the immediate effects, even if one does not include deferred long-term effects due to radiation, if an all-out thermonuclear war results from a failure of Type I Deterrence. With somewhat more controversy, similar numbers would apply to Type II Deterrence. (For example, some experts would concede the statement for an all-out Soviet nuclear attack on Europe, but not if the Soviets restricted themselves to the use of conventional weapons.) We are willing to live with the possibility partly because we think of it as a remote possibility. We do not expect either kind of deterrence to fail, and we do not expect the results to be that cataclysmic if deterrence does fail.
** [[Herman Kahn]], [[w:On Thermonuclear War|''On Thermonuclear War'']]

* [[Australia]]'s response to [[India]]'s nuclear tests is the most abrasive of all the responses at the international level. On 14 May 1998 the Australian conservative coalition government decided to take action in response &quot;to the outrageous acts perpetuated by India in conducting no less than five nuclear tests....: It announced immediate suspension of bilateral defence relations with [[India]], withdrawal of its Defence Adviser from [[New Delhi]], suspension of non-humanitarian aid and indefinite postponement of all ministerial and senior official visits. In fact, some [[Indian Armed Forces|Indian defence personnel]] who happened be on a course assignment in Australia were &quot;physically hauled out of classrooms&quot; and asked to leave immediately. Australia was in the forefront in criticizing India's nuclear test at various international fore. However, it did not impose any [[economic sanctions]] on India, which in any case would not have amounted to much.
** Man Mohini Kaul, [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0020881700037004005 “Australia-India Relations: Post-Pokhran II Phase”], ''International Studies'', (October 1, 2000). 

* I consider your crime worse than [[murder]]... I believe your conduct in putting into the hands of the [[Russians]] the A-Bomb years before our best scientists predicted Russia would perfect the bomb has already caused, in my opinion, the [[Communism|Communist]] [[Korean War|aggression in Korea]], with the resultant casualties exceeding 50,000 and who knows but that millions more of innocent people may pay the price of your [[treason]]. Indeed, by your betrayal you undoubtedly have altered the course of [[history]] to the disadvantage of our [[country]]. No one can say that we do not live in a constant state of tension. We have evidence of your treachery all around us every day for the civilian defense activities throughout the nation are aimed at preparing us for an atom bomb attack.
** ''Judge Kaufman's Statement Upon Sentencing the Rosenbergs''. University of Missouri–Kansas City. Retrieved June 24, 2008.

* [We must examine] the thesis that these devices, the so-called nuclear weapons, are really weapons at all&amp;mdash;that they deserve that designation. A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well.
** [[George F. Kennan]], ''The Nuclear Delusion: Soviet-American Relations in the Atomic Age'' (1983), p. 243.

* Today, every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. '''Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear sword of Damocles, hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness.''' The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.
**  [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] (25 September 1961)

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough nuclear power to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension. &lt;br&gt; Yesterday a shaft of light cut into the darkness. Negotiations were concluded in Moscow on a treaty to ban all nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and under water. For the first time, an agreement has been reached on bringing the forces of nuclear destruction under international control-a goal first sought in 1946 when [[Bernard Baruch]] presented [[w:Baruch Plan|a comprehensive control plan to the United Nations]].
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* Continued unrestricted testing by the nuclear powers, joined in time by other nations which may be less adept in limiting [[pollution]], will increasingly contaminate the air that all of us must breathe. Even then, the number of [[children]] and grandchildren with [[cancer]] in their bones, with [[w:Leukemia|leukemia]] in their [[blood]], or with [[Lung cancer|poison in their lungs]] might seem statistically small to some, in comparison with natural health hazards. But this is not a natural [[health]] hazard -- and it is not a [[Statistics|statistical]] issue. The loss of even one human life, or the malformation of even one baby -- who may be born long after we are gone -- should be of concern to us all. Our children and grandchildren are not merely statistics toward which we can be indifferent.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* During the next several years, in addition to the four current nuclear powers, a small but significant number of nations will have the intellectual, physical, and financial resources to produce both nuclear weapons and the means of delivering them. In time, it is estimated, many other nations will have either this capacity or other ways of obtaining nuclear warheads, even as missiles can be commercially purchased today. I ask you to stop and think for a moment what it would mean to have nuclear weapons in so many hands, in the hands of countries large and small, stable and unstable, responsible and irresponsible, scattered throughout the world. There would be no rest for anyone then, no stability, no real security, and no chance of effective disarmament. There would only be the increased chance of accidental war, and an increased necessity for the great powers to involve themselves in what otherwise would be local conflicts. If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* The discovery of nuclear fission to the creation of the first atom bombs took less than seven years.
** [[Jim Al-Khalili]], ''{{w|Chemistry: A Volatile History}}'' Episode 3: The Power of the Elements, 50:29 (2010) a [[BBC]] documentary.

* Following [[World War II]], the Soviet Union’s major programs of nuclear weapon development resulted in that county’s first nuclear device, named RDS1 (standing for Rossia Delaet Sama, meaning “Russia does it itself”). It was first tested in Kazakhstan on 29 August 1949, at what became known as the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS). Until the mid-1950s, all Soviet nuclear tests were conducted above ground at STS. But in 1954 the first Soviet nuclear torpedo (the antiship weapon T-5) was under development and shortly became ready for testing. The Soviet military was eager to test it in a more realistic situation, requiring a site near a seacoast, and Novaya Zemlya was selected at that time for what became the first test in that region, an underwater test on 21 September 1955.
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.2

* Accurate values for the yields of Soviet nuclear tests are of particular interest. There were 496 underground nuclear tests (UNTs) conducted on USSR territory from 1949 to 1990. Among them were 340 tests at the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS) in Kazakhstan, 117 so called Peaceful Nuclear Explosions (PNEs) at many different places on USSR territory other than at test sites, and 39 tests at the Novaya Zemlya Test Site. Soviet yields have been officially published for all 124 PNEs (including seven conducted at STS), and for 22 UNTs at STS.1
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.7

* I happened to read recently a remark by the American nuclear physicist W. Davidson, who noted that the explosion of one hydrogen bomb releases a greater amount of energy than all the explosions set off by all countries in all wars known in the entire history of mankind. And he, apparently, is right.
** [[Nikita Khrushchev]], Address to the United Nations, New York City (September 18, 1959), as reported by ''The New York Times'' (September 19, 1959), p. 8. The physicist quoted was eventually found to be William Davidon, associate physicist at Argonne National Laboratory, Lemont, Illinois.

* Once again there was little to inspire hope that the nuclear-weapon-possessing states are genuinely willing to give up their nuclear arsenals. The long-term modernisation programmes under way in these states suggest that nuclear weapons are still a marker of international status and power.
** Shannon Kile in Richard Norton-Taylor, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jun/03/nuclear-states-developing-new-weapons-report  “Nuclear states developing new weapons in defiance of treaty, report claims“], ''The Guardian'', (2 Jun 2013). 

* We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate.
** [[Martin Luther King]], ''Strength to Love'', 1963.

* The great danger facing us today is not so much the atomic bomb that was created by physical science. Not so much that atomic bomb that you can put in an [[Airplane|aeroplane]] and drop on the heads of hundreds and thousands of people as dangerous as that is. But the real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of [[hate]] and into the most damaging [[selfishness]]—that's the atomic bomb that we've got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem.
** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], ''[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

* Israel was the sixth nation in the world -- and the first in the [[Middle East]] -- to acquire nuclear weapons. However, unlike those of the first five, its nuclear program has remained opaque, that is, shrouded in secrecy, officially unacknowledged and insulated from domestic politics. Cohen, a senior research fellow at the National Security Archive at George Washington University, analyzes in rich detail how this policy of ''nuclear opacity'' evolved and what made it possible. &lt;br&gt; The policy was not the result of a well-thought-out strategy. Rather, it was a product of a series of improvisations under two Prime Ministers, [[David Ben-Gurion]] and [[Levi Eshkol]]. Neither man ever brought the issue before his Cabinet, and Israeli parties on both the [[Left-wing politics|left]] and [[Right-wing politics|right]] refrained from discussing it because of their commitment to the ''sanctity of security''.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The Israeli model of nuclear opacity was eventually followed by all the second-generation nuclear states: [[India]], [[Pakistan]] and [[South Africa]]. But the South Africans dismantled their nuclear arsenal in 1991, and the Indians and Pakistanis publicly tested nuclear weapons in 1998. Thus, Israel today remains the only nuclear-opaque state in the world.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The dropping of the [atomic] bomb on a populated center was another totally superfluous crime. Even if callous arguments for the annihilation of Hiroshima could be made, there was no necessity for the slaughter in Nagasaki, cradle of Japanese Christianity. Within a split second the bomb wiped out one-eighth of [[Japan]]’s [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[Christianity|Christians]]. Here the argument resurfaces—[[Harry S. Truman|Truman]] wanted to impress the Soviets, just as [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] had with Dresden. But how could any butcher impress [[Josef Stalin|the arch-butcher from the Caucasus]]? Not even the late [[Adolf Hitler]] had succeeded.
** [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], ''Leftism Revisited'' (1990), p. 282

==L==
*'''While [[Civil society|Civil Society]] and a global movement work steadfastly across dozens of fields for the abolition of nuclear weapons, planning, preparations, and rehearsals for attacks using deployed H-bombs and nuclear missiles are routine in the [[US military]] and [[NATO|NATO.]]'''&lt;BR&gt;US nuclear war practice takes place routinely with allied European militaries. “Steadfast Noon” is NATO’s code name for its annual nuclear attack practice, and Hans Kristensen reports for the ''Federation of American Scientist''s that, “This is the exercise that practices NATO’s nuclear strike mission with the B61 … nuclear bombs the US deploys in [[Europe]].”  Jan Merička wrote in ''European Security Journal News'' Oct. 19, 2017, that Steadfast Noon is designed “to simulate nuclear strikes… and was conducted from the Kleine Brogel Air Base in [[Belgium]] and Büchel Air Base in [[Germany]], where US B61 thermonuclear bombs with the force of up to 340 kilotons of TNT are stored.” (FYI: Hiroshima was incinerated with a 15 kiloton US bomb.)
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

*To illustrate the [[The Pentagon|Pentagon]]’s ho-hum acceptance of mass destruction, it recently opened in Omaha its new, $1.3 billion Strategic Command headquarters for supervising and targeting the nuclear arsenal, and it named the building after General [[Curtis LeMay]], who, the Omaha World Herald reported, designed and conducted the incendiary bombing of 60 Japanese cities at the end of WWII, bombing that “incinerated entire cities” killing as many as 900,000 civilians. General LeMay’s motto and that of Strategic Command used to be “Death from Above,” but after the war it was changed to “Peace is Our Profession.”&lt;BR&gt;In Germany, readiness for attacks with nuclear weapons is maintained by the USAF 702nd Munitions Support Squadron, which tends to Germany’s 33rd Fighter-Bomber Wing at Büchel Air Force Base. Headlines from last October’s bombing “theater” included, and “[[NATO]] Holds Secret Nuclear War Exercises in Germany,” “German Air Force training for nuclear war as part of NATO;” from 2017, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise unusually open”; and in 2015, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise Steadfast Noon in Büchel.”&lt;BR&gt; While the uninitiated might be aghast, '''the [[United States Armed Forces|US military]] plans and prepares all year round for nuclear attacks''' at its far-flung “Defense Nuclear Weapons School” of the Air Force Nuclear College. According to the school’s website, one branch (of “Armageddon Academy”) is at the Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany, the largest US military base outside the country.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

* As the [[International Red Cross]] marked the 75th anniversary of the atomic bombings in Japan, it issued a strong warning that “the risk of use of nuclear weapons has risen to levels not seen since the end of the Cold War.”   Echoed by former Secretary Perry on the News Hour, other defense policy experts have stated forewarnings, on both the moral grounds of potential omnicidal consequences, and of new weapons technology making nuclear war more likely.   [[Daniel Ellsberg]], for example, sees governments “prepared to unleash a nuclear war which would end civilization as we know it and could kill over seven billion people.” &lt;BR&gt;In our region... many thousands are in need of food assistance, and millions across the country are suffering great personal economic losses under the dual crises of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] and, again, of [[Global warming|climate-change]] related wildfires and storms. As the [[United States Congress|Congress]] budgets nearly ¾ trillion dollars for national defense, it should redirect at least a portion of this enormous sum to the current human needs and support the 2017 United Nations nuclear-weapons-ban treaty, which the work of the [[International Red Cross]]... initiated.
**Letters: Recognition for Cadet Nurses; Ban nuclear weapons, Frances Lamberts, ''Johnson City Press'' (20 September 2020) 

* The Atomic Age began at exactly 5.30 Mountain War Time on the morning of July 15, 1945, on a stretch of semi-desert land about 50 airline miles from Alamogordo, New Mexico. And just at that instance there rose from the bowels of the earth a light not of this world, the light of many suns in one. ... At first it was a giant column that soon took the shape of a supramundane mushroom. 
** {{W|William L. Laurence}} on the [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|first atomic explosion in New Mexico]], 16 Jul 1945, ''New York Times'' (26 Sep 1945). 

* That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The [atomic] bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.
** {{W|Admiral William D. Leahy}} comment on the U.S. Atomic Bomb Project, to President Harry S. Truman in 1945. ''Memoirs: Year of Decisions'' (1955), Vol. 1, 11.

* With the end of the [[Cold War]], many of the arguments for and against [[w:cruise missiles|cruise missiles]] have become outdated. Since almost all of the previous debate was framed in terms of the East/West conflict and the impact on the nuclear balance, the collapse of this framework has changed the significance of cruise missiles. Ground-launched cruise missiles (GLCMs) were banned under the 1987 [[w:Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces Treaty|Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces]] (INF) agreement. In 1991, Presidents Bush and Gorbachev agreed to remove nuclear sea-launched cruise (SLCM) and other tactical missiles from all surface ships and submarines at sea. The future deployment of nuclear air-launched cruise missiles (ALCMs) was limited under the START treaties, and production of the newer &quot;stealth&quot; air-launched Advanced Cruise Missile (ACM) ended in July 1993 at 460 missiles, some 1,000 fewer than had originally been planned.
** James Lee, [http://publications.gc.ca/collections/Collection-R/LoPBdP/MR/mr114-e.htm &quot;Cruise Missile Testing in Canada: The Post-Cold War Debate&quot;], Political and Social Affairs Division, Parliamentary Research Branch, Depository Services Program Government of Canada, (January 21, 1994).

== M ==
* Can one imagine that The Bomb could ever be used &quot;in a good cause&quot;? Do not such means instantly, of themselves, corrupt any cause? The bomb is the natural product of the kind of society we have created. It is as easy, normal, and unforced an expression of the American way of Life as electric ice-boxes, banana splits, and hydro-matic drive automobiles.
** [[Dwight Macdonald]], &quot;Politics&quot; magazine, (August, 1945).

* But these Algerians were not properly warned of their danger after France’s misgoverned nuclear bomb-testing campaign of the early 1960s, which vitrified vast tracts of desert with heat and plutonium and left a legacy of uncontained radiation that is still crippling inhabitants. Estimates of the number of Algerians affected by testing range from 27,000 — cited by the French Ministry of Defense — to 60,000, the figure given by Abdul Kadhim al-Aboudi, an Algerian professor of nuclear physics. &lt;br&gt; Yet there has been little accountability for France’s disregard. A compensation scheme for victims of France’s nuclear tests exists, but it has made payouts to only 17 people. The majority of those were residents of French Polynesia, where France relocated its nuclear testing campaign after leaving Algeria and experimented with more than 190 nuclear bombs from 1966 to 1996.
** Johnny Magdaleno, [http://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2015/3/1/algerians-suffering-from-french-atomic-legacy-55-years-after-nuclear-tests.html &quot;Algerians suffering from French atomic legacy, 55 years after nuke tests&quot;], ''Al Jazeera'', (March 1, 2015). 

* It’s chilling to face the reality that nuclear war is not some distant Cold War era threat, but a strong possibility in our near future. Due to incompetence or belligerence, any nuclear armed country could initiate this death spiral. Right now we face an unprecedented ecological crisis in need of global cooperation. Instead of becoming a leader to reduce and dismantle nuclear weapons, the US is spending over a trillion dollars to modernize its nuclear arsenal. And despite being a signatory to the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, the US is buying hundreds more. In February, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] secured a contract with Northrop Grumman for 600 new nukes, for no reason other than to line the coffers of the [[Military-industrial complex|defense industry]].
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* [[Washington, D.C.|DC]] think tank policy prescriptions about nuclear weapons are sponsored by the very arms companies rewarded with lucrative contracts for their recommendations, which always result in further militarization.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* We need to strategize how we can live in a world beyond nukes, because there will never be peace as long as these weapons exist.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* Any military commander who is honest with himself, or with those he's speaking to, will admit that he has made mistakes in the application of military power. He's killed people unnecessarily—his own troops or other troops—through mistakes, through errors of judgment. A hundred, or thousands, or tens of thousands, maybe even a hundred thousand. But… he hasn't destroyed nations. And the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations.
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''The Fog of War'' (2003).

* The major lesson of the [[Cuban Missile Crisis]] is this: The indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will destroy nations. Is it right and proper that today there are 7500 strategic offensive nuclear warheads, of which 2500 are at 15 minute alert to be launched by the decision of one human being?
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''[[The Fog of War]]'' (2003).

* I will have nothing to do with a bomb!
** {{w|Lise Meitner}} Response to being invited (1943) to work with Otto Robert Frisch and some British scientists at Los Alamos during the Manhattan Project to create the atomic bomb. life inRuth Sime, Lise Meitner: A Life in Physics (1996), 305. 

* If we ourselves happen to survive, are any of us prepared to press the button or allow our elected representatives to command that this be done, in the certainty that it will kill millions of other people?
**[[w:Naomi Mitchison|Naomi Mitchison]], &quot;Questions for Inner Cabinet&quot;, ''[[w:The Herald (Glasgow)|Glasgow Herald]]'', 35th July 1980.

* The future of mankind is going to be decided within the next two generations, and there are two absolute requisites: We must aim at a stable-state society [with limited population growth] and the destruction of nuclear stockpiles. … Otherwise I don't see how we can survive much later than 2050. 
** {{W|Jacques Monod}} quoted in John C. Hess, 'French Nobel Biologist Says World Based On Chance', New York Times (15 Mar 1971), 6. 

* It doesn’t even matter if we ever fire these missiles or not. They are having their effect upon us because there is a generation growing up now who cannot see past the final exclamation mark of a mushroom cloud. They are a generation who can see no moral values that do not end in a crackling crater somewhere. I’m not saying that nuclear bombs are at the root of all of it, but I think it is very, very naïve to assume that you can expose the entire population of the world to the threat of being turned to cinders without them starting to act, perhaps, a little oddly. &lt;br&gt; I believe in some sort of strange fashion that the presence of the atom bomb might almost be forcing a level of human development that wouldn’t have occurred without the presence of the atom bomb. Maybe this degree of terror will force changes in human attitudes that could not have occurred without the presence of these awful, destructive things. Perhaps we are faced with a race between the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in one line and the 7th Calvary in the other. We have not got an awful lot of mid ground between [[Utopia]] and [[Apocalypse]], and if somehow our children ever see the day in which it is announced that we do not have these weapons any more, and that we can no longer destroy ourselves and that we’ve got to do something else to do with our time than they will have the right to throw up their arms, let down their streamers and let forth a resounding cheer.
** [[Alan Moore]] on the issue of nuclear weapons, in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv44V4d_fDQ ''England Their England : Monsters, Maniacs and Moore'' (1987)]

== N ==
* Russian inventory of nuclear weapons, particularly tactical weapons, remains larger than any other in the world. In its report, the NIC indicated that it remained “concerned about vulnerabilities to an insider who attempts unauthorized actions” at Russian nuclear weapons storage facilities. Similarly, the NIC noted that “Russian facilities housing weapons-usable nuclear material . . . typically receive low funding, lack trained security personnel, and do not have sufficient equipment for securely storing such material.” As a result, security “varies widely among the different types of Ministry of Atomic Energy (Minatom) facilities and [[Government of Russia|other Russian institutes]]. The NIC report concludes by noting that over the course of the last seven years, “Moscow has recognized the need for security improvements and, with assistance from the United States and other countries, has taken steps to reduce the risk of theft of its nuclear weapons and material.”
** National Intelligence Council, ''Annual Report to Congress on the Safety and Security of Russian Nuclear Facilities and Military Forces'', (February 2003), p. 2.; as quoted in p.4.

* In keeping with the great secrecy involved in India's efforts to develop and test its first nuclear explosive device, the project employed no more than 75 scientists and engineers working on it in the period from 1967 to 1974. Of course this does not count the thousands of individuals required to build and operate the infrastructure supporting BARC and to produce the plutonium for the device. &lt;br&gt; Outside of those actually working on the project, only about three other people in India knew of it - Prime Minister [[Indira Gandhi]], her trusted adviser and former principal secretary [[P. N. Haksar|P.N. Haksar]], and her current principal secretary [[w:Durga_Prasad_Dhar|D.P. Dhar]]. No [[Government of India|government]] ministers, including the [[Swaran Singh|Defense Minister]], were informed. &lt;br&gt; The implosion system was designed to compress the core to twice its normal density. The lenses that were developed used the fast-slow explosive design pioneered by the U.S. in World War II. Like the Gadget exploded at Trinity in 1945, they used an RDX-TNT mixture as the fast explosive, with baratol (barium nitrate and TNT) used as the slow explosive. Chengappa describes the inner slow explosive component as being in the shape of &quot;Shiva ling am&quot; -- a phallus in Hindu religious art which is squat and blunt in form. The device used 12 lens, which is described by Chengappa [pg. 182]: &quot;the way the explosives were placed around the plutonium sphere resembled the petals of the lotus&quot;. This presumably indicates that each hemisphere of the implosion system consisted of 6 longitudinal lens segments (asymmetric diamond shaped lenses) joined together at the pole so that they formed triangular teeth at the equator which interlocked with the opposite hemisphere. This design is simpler and less sophisticated than the 32-lens &quot;soccer ball&quot; system developed by the [[U.S.]] during [[World War II]].
** ''Nuclearweaponarchive.org'', [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/India/IndiaSmiling.html &quot;India's Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], (November 8, 2001).

== O ==
* If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a [[Great Recession|great recession]], reboot our [[Car|auto]] industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history . . . open up a new chapter with the [[Cuba|Cuban]] people, '''shut down [[Iran]]'s nuclear weapons program without firing a shot''', take out the [[Osama bin Laden|mastermind]] of [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] . . . win [[LGBT rights in the United States|marriage equality]], and secure the right to [[Health care in the United States|health insurance]] for another 20 million of our fellow citizens . . . you might have said our sights were set a little too high. '''But that's what we did. That's what you did.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], &quot;[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/farewell President Obama's Farewell Address],&quot; the White House archives (January 10, 2017) 

* [[Ukraine]], [[Kazakhstan]] and [[Belarus]], three states of the former Soviet Union that have nuclear arms on their territory, formally agreed with the United States and Russia today to give up those weapons by the end of the decade and not to seek nuclear arms again. &lt;br&gt; In a wordless, austere ceremony in the barroom of a [[Lisbon]] hotel, [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] [[James Baker|James A. Baker III]] and officials of Russia and the three other nuclear-armed former Soviet republics signed a protocol, or legal supplement, to the 1991 Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START), pledging to carry out its terms. &lt;br&gt; They thus laid the groundwork for ratification of the landmark START treaty and for permitting negotiations to go ahead between the United States and Russia for deeper cutbacks in nuclear arms. &lt;br&gt; The full significance of the occasion, which took months of difficult negotiation to arrange, went far beyond the pale legalism of the six-page documents the diplomats signed. Today's ceremony was a hard-won milestone in a mostly invisible, yet intense diplomatic struggle to maintain control over the world's largest and most awesome array of long-range nuclear weapons, as the Soviet Union, the nation that created and held them during the decades of the Cold War, splintered into more than a dozen parts. 
** Don Oberdorfer,[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1992/05/24/3-ex-soviet-states-to-give-up-a-arms/bf3284ee-c7e9-4b09-bdf7-12c726f033be/ “3 EX-SOVIET STATES TO GIVE UP A-ARMS”], ''Washington Post'', May 24, 1992

* The [[Fire|flame]] from the [[Angels|angel]]'s [[sword]] in the [[w:Garden_of_Eden|Garden of Eden]] has been catalyzed into the atom bomb; [[God]]'s [[thunderbolt]] became blunted, so Man's dunderbolt [sic] has become the Steel Star of Destruction.
**[[Seán O'Casey]], ''Sunset and Evening Star'', 1954.

* I am become [[death]], The Shatterer of Worlds.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], quoting from the 2,000-year-old Bhagavad Gita of India at the instant the first test atomic device exploded. Abraham Pais and Robert P. Crease, J. Robert Oppenheimer: a Life‎ (2006), 44. Also seen translated as “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
** We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture the Bhagavad Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multiarmed form and says, &quot;Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.&quot; I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
** J. Robert Oppenheimer, ''The Decision To Drop The Bomb''; Pontin, Jason (November–December 2007). &quot;Oppenheimer's Ghost&quot;. Technology Review.

* When you see something that is technically sweet, you go ahead and do it and argue about what to do about it only after you've had your technical success. That is the way it was with the atomic bomb.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], testifying in his defense in his 1954 security hearings (page 81 of the official transcript). Quoted in  Charles Thorpe, ''Oppenheimer: The Tragic Intellect''. University of Chicago Press,2008 (pp. 223-4).

* We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man, of whether it is good to learn about the world, to try to understand it, to try to control it, to help give to the world of men increased insight, increased power. Because we are scientists, we must say an unalterable yes to these questions; it is our faith and our commitment, seldom made explicit, even more seldom challenged, that knowledge is a good in itself, knowledge and such power as must come with it. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech to the American Philosophical Society (Jan 1946). ''Atomic Weapons'', printed in Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society, 90(1), 7-10. In Deb Bennett-Woods, Nanotechnology: Ethics and Society (2008), 23. Identified as a speech to the society in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎ (2005), 323

* But when you come right down to it, the reason that we did this job is because it was an organic necessity. If you are a scientist you cannot stop such a thing. If you are a scientist you believe that it is good to find out how the world works; that it is good to find out what the realities are; that it is good to turn over to mankind at large the greatest possible power to control the world and to deal with it according to its lights and values.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], regarding the atomic bomb project from speech at Los Alamos (17 Oct 1945). Quoted in David C. Cassidy, J. ''Robert Oppenheimer and the American Century'' (2009), 214.

* Despite the vision and the far-seeing wisdom of our wartime heads of state, the physicists felt a peculiarly intimate responsibility for suggesting, for supporting, and in the end, in large measure, for achieving the realization of atomic weapons. Nor can we forget that these weapons, as they were in fact used, dramatized so mercilessly the inhumanity and evil of modern war. In some sort of crude sense which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], ''The Open Mind'' (1955), 88

* If atomic bombs are to be added as new weapons to the arsenals of a warring world, or to the arsenals of nations preparing for war, then the time will come when mankind will curse the names of Los Alamos and Hiroshima. The people must unite, or they will perish. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech at Fuller Lodge when the U.S. Army was honouring the work at Los Alamos. (16 Oct 1945). Quoted in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, ''American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎'' (2005), 323. 

* It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Commencement address (1946), as quoted in book review, William J. Broad, ''The Men Who Made the Sun Rise'', ''New York Times Book Review'' (8 Feb 1987), 39.

== P ==
* Congress reacted in 1946 by creating the [[w:Atomic Energy Commission|Atomic Energy Commission]] (AEC) to oversee nuclear development. Responding to the threat of a Soviet nuclear program, the AEC authorized nuclear weapons tests in the South Pacific, and then later decided the [[Nevada]] desert would be less vulnerable to attack. In December 1950, the commission recommended establishing a permanent proving ground on a piece of the old [[Las Vegas]] Bombing and Gunnery Range. Truman concurred, and the first atmospheric detonation at the [[w:Nevada Test Site|Nevada Test Site]], a one-kiloton bomb dropped on Frenchman Flat, took place a month later. The U.S. nuclear testing program continued for 41 years and included 928 nuclear tests (with 1,021 total detonations). Most were underground, but 100 tests were atmospheric, or out in the open. Today, as the Nevada National Security Site, it is still used for radioactive waste storage, first-responder training, “subcritical” nuclear tests, and other projects.
** Samir S. Patel, [https://www.archaeology.org/issues/152-1411/features/2592-united-states-atomic-age-archaeology#art_page2 &quot;Dawn of a Thousand Suns&quot;], ''Archaeology'', (November/December 2014).

* Many of us have lived through another change in Western sensibilities toward military symbolism. When the ultimate military weapons, nuclear bombs, were unveiled in the 1940s and 1950s, people were not repelled, even though the weapons had recently snuffed out a quarter of a million lives and were threatening to annihilate hundreds of millions more. No, the world found them charming! A sexy bathing suit, the bikini, was named after a Micronesian atoll that had been vaporized by nuclear tests, because the designer compared the onlookers’ reaction to an atomic blast. Ludicrous “civil defense” measures like backyard fallout shelters and duck-and-cover classroom drills encouraged the delusion that a nuclear attack would be no big deal. To this day triple-triangle fallout shelter signs rust above the basement entrances of many American apartment buildings and schools. Many commercial logos from the 1950s featured mushroom clouds, including Atomic Fireball Jawbreaker candies, the Atomic Market (a mom-and-pop grocery store not far from [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]), and the Atomic Café, which lent its name to a 1982 documentary on the bizarre nonchalance with which the world treated nuclear weapons through the early [[1960s]], when horror finally began to sink in.
** [[Steven Pinker]], ''The Better Angels of Our Nature'' (2012) 

* The only people who should be allowed to govern countries with nuclear weapons are [[mothers]], those who are still breast-feeding their babies.
** [[wikipedia:Tsutomu Yamaguchi|Tsutomu Yamaguchi]], who lived in Hiroshima when it was hit by an atomic bomb, survived, chose to move to Nagasaki, which was then hit by another atomic bomb, and survived that, too, living until 2010, all according to [[Steven Pinker]].
** Steven Pinker, ''[[wikipedia:The Better Angels of Our Nature|The Better Angels of Our Nature]]: Why Violence Has Declined'' (N.Y.: Viking, hardback 2011 {{ISBN|978-0-670-02295-3}}, p.&amp;nbsp;684.

* In plain words; now that [[United Kingdom|Britain]] has told the world she has the H-Bomb, she should announce as early as possible that she has done with it, that she proposes to reject, in all circumstances, nuclear warfare. This is not pacifism. There is no suggestion here of abandoning the immediate defence of [[Great Britain|this island]].... No, what should be abandoned is the idea of deterrence-by-threat-of-retaliation. There is no real security in it, no decency in it, no faith, hope, nor charity in it.
** [[J. B. Priestley]], &quot;Britain and the Nuclear Bombs&quot;, ''The New Statesman'', 2 November 1957.

* Seeking to maintain its status as a global power [[Aftermath of World War II|after the Second World War]], [[Britain]] tested 12 atomic bombs in [[Australia]] between 1952 and 1957. But when the major powers developed more powerful hydrogen bombs — the [[United States]] in 1952 and the [[Soviet Union]] in 1953 — Britain followed suit. After being refused H-Bomb test sites in Australia and [[New Zealand]], the [[Government of the United Kingdom|UK government]] decided to test its thermonuclear weapons in the British [[w:Gilbert and Ellis Islands|Gilbert and Ellice Islands]] Colony – today, part of the Pacific nation of Kiribati. Under Operation Grapple, nine hydrogen and atomic bomb tests were held at [[w:Malden Island|Malden Island]] and [[w:Christmas Island|Christmas (Kiritimati) Island]] between May 1957 and September 1958.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* During the [[Cold War]], successive British governments regarded nuclear weapons as a symbol of technological prowess and global status. Sir [[Winston Churchill]]’s scientific adviser [[Frederick Lindemann, 1st Viscount Cherwell|Lord Cherwell]] argued that the development of hydrogen as well as atomic weapons was central to maintaining [[British Empire|Britain’s status as an imperial power]]: “If we are unable to make the Bomb ourselves and have to rely entirely on the United States for this vital weapon, we shall sink to the rank of a second class nation, only permitted to supply [[British Army|auxiliary troops]], like the native levies who were supplied small arms but not [[artillery]].”
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* Between 1946 and 1996, there were more than 315 U.S., British and French nuclear tests at ten sites across the region. Many of the workers and military personnel who staffed the Pacific test sites, as well as indigenous communities on neighboring atolls, have faced serious health problems in the aftermath. During my interviews with the ageing survivors of [[w:Operation Grapple|Operation Grapple]], I was told of cases of leukemia, cancer and sterility. Unlike the United States and France, which have established compensation schemes for nuclear survivors (however insufficient), the United Kingdom claims its tests were safe. The UK Ministry of Defence has fought every legal challenge brought by the nuclear veterans, who attribute many illnesses to their presence on Christmas Island.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

== R ==
[[File:Excalibur_firing.png|thumb|I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete. ~ [[Ronald Reagan]]]]
* Suddenly, there was an enormous flash of [[light]], the brightest light I have ever seen or that I think anyone has ever seen. It blasted; it pounced; it bored its way into you. It was a [[vision]] which was seen with more than the [[Eyes|eye]]. It was seen to last forever. You would wish it would stop; altogether it lasted about two seconds. 
** {{W|Isidor Isaac Rabi}}, witnessing the first atomic bomb test explosion, in ''Science: the Center of Culture'' (1970), 139. 

* The [[w:Pokhran test|Pokhran test]] was a bomb, I can tell you now.... An [[w:explosion|explosion]] is an explosion, a [[gun]] is a gun, whether you shoot at someone or shoot at the ground.... I just want to make clear that the test was not all that [[peaceful]].
** [[w:Raja Ramanna|Raja Ramanna]], speaking to the ''Press Trust of India'', (10 October 1997).

* I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete.
** [[Ronald Reagan]] concerning his proposed Strategic Defense Initiative, later to be known as 'Star Wars.' National address (23 March 1983)

* Now, for decades, we and the Soviets have lived under the threat of [[mutual assured destruction]] - if either resorted to the use of nuclear weapons, the other could retaliate and destroy the one who had started it. Is there either logic or morality in believing that if one side threatens to kill tens of millions of our people our only recourse is to threaten killing tens of millions of theirs? I have approved a research program to find, if we can, a security shield that will destroy nuclear missiles before they reach their target. It wouldn't kill people; it would destroy weapons. It wouldn't militarize space; it would help demilitarize the arsenals of Earth. It would render nuclear weapons obsolete. We will meet with the Soviets, hoping that we can agree on a way to rid the world of the threat of nuclear destruction.
**[[Ronald Reagan]], [https://www.reaganlibrary.gov/archives/speech/inaugural-address-1985 Inaugural Address 1985] (21 January 1985)

* The two blocs were also nuclear arsenals. In August 1949 the Soviet Union tested an atomic bomb, signalling an end to America’s monopoly. Then in 1953–4 tests of hydrogen bombs by both sides presaged weapons of far greater power. Reading reports of America’s H-bomb tests, Churchill murmured that the world was now as far from the era of the atomic bomb as the atomic bomb had been from the bow and arrow. The launch of [[w:Sputnik|Sputnik]]—the first artificial earth [[satellite]]—in 1957 showed that the Soviets now possessed a missile of sufficient range to land a nuclear warhead on the United States within thirty minutes. For the first time, [[Americas|continental America]] was vulnerable to weapons of mass destruction, creating public paranoia comparable to that which had gripped Britain in the 1930s. Both blocs in the [[Cold War]] raced to build up their nuclear arsenals. While each side sought to deter the other from outright attack or nuclear blackmail, the cost of the arms race imposed grave burdens on their economies.
** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings That Changed the World'' (2007), p. 164 

* I'm in the middle of writing a book about American disarmament. And it's kept me deeply depressed. Because in order to study disarmament, you first have to study American armament.    We've been the most irresponsible nuclear power the world has ever seen. Some people may say, &quot;but we've only used nuclear weapons once.&quot; But that's not true. You don't just use nuclear weapons by dropping them. When you realize how many times we've put them on the table and considered using them, it's incredible...
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* It's ironic that the... the one [[President of the United States|President]] the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] love to hate more than [[George W. Bush]] -- [[Ronald Reagan|Ronald Wilson Reagan]] -- was actually the most responsible President we've had regarding nuclear weapons since [[Eisenhower]].  He sat down with [[Mikhail Gorbachev|Gorbachev]] and we got incredibly close to eliminating all nuclear weapons. We got rid of two classes of nuclear weapons and were moving in the direction of greater [[w:arms reduction|arms reduction]] &lt;br&gt; In terms of sheer numbers our nuclear arsenal kept growing. We'd eliminate one thing then make more of something else. It was a shell game.... Have we ever actually significantly reduced the number of nuclear arms with intent to permanently shrink the arsenal?  Well no, not yet. But Reagan was at least moving in that direction. He's the only president who considered going down [in number of nuclear weapons]. But we have built new classes of weapons. Nuclear weapons are now a part of our defense policy, and we even consider the use of nuclear weapons in a non-nuclear environment.
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* Nuclear weapon: an agency reserved for use by the most civilized nations for the settlement of disputes that might become troublesome if left unadjusted. Unfortunately, too many formerly uncivilized nations are becoming civilized.
**[[w:Leonard Rossiter|Leonard Rossiter]] in the ''Devil's Bedside Book''

* When India and Pakistan conducted their nuclear tests in 1998, even those of us who condemned them, balked at the hypocrisy of Western nuclear powers. Implicit in their denunciation of the tests was the notion that [[Black people|Blacks]] cannot be trusted with the Bomb. Now we are presented with the spectacle of our governments competing to confirm that belief.
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It’s not just the one million soldiers on the border who are living on hair-trigger alert. It’s all of us. That’s what nuclear bombs do. Whether they’re used or not, they violate everything that is humane. They alter the meaning of life itself.  Why do we tolerate them? Why do we tolerate these men who use nuclear weapons to blackmail the entire human race?
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It's so frightening, the [[nationalism]] in the air... It can be used to do anything. I know that '''a world in which countries are stockpiling nuclear weapons and using them in the ways that India and Pakistan and America do to oppress others and to deceive their own people is a dangerous world.'''
** [[Arundhati Roy|Arundhati Roy]],  [https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-arundhati-roy-Barsamian/ Interview with David Barsamian,  ''The Progressive'' magazine], (July 16, 2007)

* Amazing, the respect that nuclear weapons bring.
** [[Rudy Rucker]] in ''The Sex Sphere'', p. 74

== S ==
[[File:Streichholz.jpg|thumb|Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. ~ [[Carl Sagan]]]]
* Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. 
** [[Carl Sagan]], during a panel discussion in ABC News Viewpoint following the TV movie The Day After (20 Nov 1983). Misquoted as “The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.” 

* The atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by a wise God.
**[[Phyllis Schlafly]], quoted in Rosemary Chalk, &quot;Women and the National Security Debate&quot;, in ''[[w:Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists|Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]]'', August/September 1982.

*'''[[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]]''': At one point we only thought we needed 50 to 200 nuclear weapons to annihilate the [[Soviet Union]], and by the 1960's we had 32,000.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': One of the weapons in particular went through all of its arming steps to detonate, and when that weapon hit the ground, a firing signal was sent. And the only thing that prevented a full-scale detonation of a powerful hydrogen bomb in North Carolina was a single safety switch.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': During a [[fire]], solder might melt on a circuit board. It created all kinds of new [[electrical]] pathways that could completely circumvent a [[safety]] device.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

* Nuclear weapons are the most lethal machines ever invented, but the deterrence they provide is something intangible. &quot;The central objective of a deterrent weapon system… is [[psychological]],&quot; a classified Pentagon report once explained. &quot;The mission is [[persuasion]].&quot;
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In 1946, the US conducted its first postwar tests of the atomic bomb. One of these tests sought to discover the effect of a nuclear blast on a fleet of warships. The results were discouraging. Of the 88 ships moored near the point of detonation, in the Bikini atoll, only five sank. The Evaluation Of The Atomic Bomb As A Military Weapon, a top-secret report sent to [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]], concluded that &quot;ships at sea&quot; and &quot;bodies of troops&quot; were poor targets. &quot;The bomb is pre-eminently a weapon for use against human life and activities in large urban and industrial areas,&quot; the report argued. Such weapons were useful, most of all, for killing and terrorising civilians. According to the report, some of the best targets were &quot;[[cities]] of especial [[sentimental]] significance&quot;.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* [[The Pentagon]]'s official list of &quot;broken arrows&quot; – mishaps with nuclear weapons that might threaten the public – mentions 32 accidents. Yet a 1970 study by one of America's nuclear weapon laboratories, obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, stated that at least 1,200 weapons were involved in accidents between 1950 and 1968. Most of these accidents were trivial, but a number of serious ones were somehow omitted from the Pentagon's list. Moreover, the risk of accidental nuclear detonations was not fully understood by American weapon designers until the late 1960s, and it proved far greater than expected. A [[Airplane|plane]] crash, a [[fire]], a missile explosion, [[lightning]], human error, even dropping a [[weapon]] from an aircraft parked on a runway were found to be potential causes of a nuclear explosion.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In the 1960 presidential election, [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] had cynically attacked [[Richard Nixon]] from the right, claiming that the [[Ike|Ike Eisenhower]]-Nixon administration had allowed a dangerous “missile gap” to grow in the U.S.S.R.’s favor. But in fact, just as Eisenhower and Nixon had suggested—and just as the classified briefings that Kennedy received as a presidential candidate indicated—the missile gap, and the nuclear balance generally, was overwhelmingly to America’s advantage. At the time of the missile crisis, the Soviets had 36 [[w:Intercontinental_ballistic_missiles|intercontinental ballistic missiles]] (ICBMs), 138 [[w:strategic_bombers|long-range bombers]] with 392 nuclear warheads, and 72 [[w:Submarine-launched_ballistic-missile_warheads|submarine-launched ballistic-missile warheads]] (SLBMs). [[Soviet Armed Forces|These forces]] were arrayed against a vastly more powerful U.S. nuclear arsenal of 203 ICBMs, 1,306 long-range bombers with 3,104 nuclear warheads, and 144 SLBMs—all told, about nine times as many nuclear weapons as the U.S.S.R. [[Nikita Khrushchev]] was acutely aware of America’s huge advantage not just in the number of weapons but in their quality and deployment as well.
** Benjamin Schwarz, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/01/the-real-cuban-missile-crisis/309190/ “The Real Cuban Missile Crisis”], ''The Atlantic'', January/February 2013.

* To my knowledge there are no written accounts of Fermi’s contributions to the [first atomic bomb] testing problems, nor would it be easy to reconstruct them in detail. This, however, was one of those occasions in which Fermi’s dominion over all physics, one of his most startling characteristics, came into its own. The problems involved in the Trinity test ranged from hydrodynamics to nuclear physics, from optics to thermodynamics, from geophysics to nuclear chemistry. Often they were closely interrelated, and to solve one’it was necessary to understand all the others. Even though the purpose was grim and terrifying, it was one of the greatest physics experiments of all time. Fermi completely immersed himself in the task. At the time of the test he was one of the very few persons (or perhaps the only one) who understood all the technical ramifications. 
** {{w|Emilio Segrè}} in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 145 

* The most striking impression was that of an overwhelming bright light. I had seen under similar conditions the explosion of a large amount—100 tons—of normal explosives in the April test, and I was flabbergasted by the new spectacle. We saw the whole [[sky]] flash with unbelievable brightness in spite of the very dark glasses we wore. Our eyes were accommodated to darkness, and thus even if the sudden light had been only normal daylight it would have appeared to us much brighter than usual, but we know from measurements that the flash of the bomb was many times brighter than the sun. In a fraction of a second, at our distance, one received enough light to produce a sunburn. I was near Fermi at the time of the explosion, but I do not remember what we said, if anything. I believe that for a moment I thought the explosion might set fire to the atmosphere and thus finish the earth, even though I knew that this was not possible. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147.

* [After the flash of the atomic bomb test explosion] [[Enrico Fermi|Fermi]] got up and dropped small pieces of paper … a simple experiment to measure the energy liberated by the explosion … [W]hen the front of the shock wave arrived (some seconds after the flash) the pieces of paper were displaced a few centimeters in the direction of propagation of the shock wave. From the distance of the source and from the displacement of the [[air]] due to the shock wave, he could calculate the energy of the explosion. This Fermi had done in advance having prepared himself a table of numbers, so that he could tell immediately the energy liberated from this crude but simple measurement. … It is also typical that his answer closely approximated that of the elaborate official measurements. The latter, however, were available only after several days’ study of the records, whereas Fermi had his within seconds. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147-148. 

* In an enterprise such as the building of the atomic bomb the difference between ideas, hopes, suggestions and theoretical calculations, and solid numbers based on measurement, is paramount. All the committees, the politicking and the plans would have come to naught if a few unpredictable nuclear cross sections had been different from what they are by a factor of two. 
** Emilio Segrè, ''Epigraph in Richard Rhodes, The Making of the Atomic Bomb'' (1986), 8. 

* If some nuclear properties of the [[w:Heavy_elements|heavy elements]] had been a little different from what they turned out to be, it might have been impossible to build a bomb. 
** {{W|Emilio Segrè}}, ''In Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 149.

* On the morning of Sept. 14, 1954, in the [[w:Ural Mountains|Ural Mountains]] about 600 miles southeast of [[Moscow]], the [[Soviet Armed Forces|Soviet military]] exploded an atomic bomb in the air near 45,000 [[Red Army]] troops and thousands of civilians as part of a military exercise. &lt;br&gt; How many people were killed or maimed or became ill as a result of the exercise may never be known. But a film of the test recently obtained from secret Soviet military archives sheds new light on the often reckless nuclear testing during the [[cold war]] and the use of people as guinea pigs, nuclear specialists say.
** Marlise Simons, [https://www.nytimes.com/1993/11/07/world/soviet-atom-test-used-thousands-as-guinea-pigs-archives-show.html &quot;Soviet Atom Test Used Thousands As Guinea Pigs, Archives Show&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (Nov. 7, 1993).

* There was a lot of protest after [[w:Castle Bravo|Bravo]], from countries like India, for example. India was the first country which came forward and proposed at the United Nations that all of these nuclear tests should be stopped, that there should be a complete ban on nuclear testing.
** Martha Smith, historian, in [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/filmmore/reference/interview/marthasmith01.html &quot;Martha Smith on: The Impact of the Bravo Test&quot;] a PBS interview for ''Race for the Superbomb'' on ''American Experience''

* [[w:Submarine|Submarine]] building proceeded at a furious pace in the early 1960s, as the United States strove to deploy a major component of its Strategic Triad. From 1960 to 1966 the [[U.S. Navy]] launched a total of 41 SSBNs, called the &quot;41 for Freedom.&quot; All were named for eminent figures in American history and divided among the 5-ship George Washingtonclass, the 5-ship Ethan Allen class, and the 31-ship Lafayette/Franklin class.Initially, each boat carried 16 [[w:Polaris missiles|Polaris nuclear missiles]] that could be launched underwater toward distant targets.
** ''Smithsonian'', [https://americanhistory.si.edu/subs/const/anatomy/boomers/index.html &quot;Boomers&quot;], ''American History''.

* The dropping of the Atomic Bomb is a very deep problem... Instead of commemorating Hiroshima we should celebrate... man's triumph over the problem [of transmutation], and not its first misuse by politicians and military authorities. 
** [[Frederick Soddy]] address to New Europe Group meeting on the third anniversary of the Hiroshima bomb. Quoted in New Europe Group, In Commemoration of Professor Frederick Soddy (1956), 6-7. 

* They asked me what I thought of the atomic bomb. I said I had not been able to take any interest in it.
**[[Gertrude Stein]], [http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stein-atom-bomb.html &quot;Reflection on the Atomic Bomb&quot;] (1946).

* [The surplus of basic knowledge of the atomic nucleus was] largely used up [during the war with the atomic bomb as the dividend.] We must, without further delay restore this surplus in preparation for the important peacetime job for the nucleus - power production. ... Many of the proposed applications of atomic power - even for interplanetary rockets - seem to be within the realm of possibility provided the economic factor is ruled out completely, and the doubtful physical and chemical factors are weighted heavily on the optimistic side. ... The development of economic atomic power is not a simple extrapolation of knowledge gained during the bomb work. It is a new and difficult project to reach a satisfactory answer. Needless to say, it is vital that the atomic policy legislation now being considered by the congress recognizes the essential nature of this peacetime job, and that it not only permits but encourages the cooperative research-engineering effort of industrial, government and university laboratories for the task &lt;br&gt; We must learn how to generate the still higher energy particles of the cosmic rays - up to 1,000,000,000 volts, for they will unlock new domains in the nucleus. 
** {{w|C. Guy Suits}} Addressing the American Institute of Electrical Engineering, in New York (24 Jan 1946). In ''Schenectady Gazette'' (25 Jan 1946)

== T ==
* Knowing he [Bob Serber] was going to the [first atom bomb] test, I asked him how he planned to deal with the danger of rattlesnakes. He said, 'I'll take along a bottle of [[whiskey]].' … I ended by asking, 'What would you do about those possibilities [of what unknown phenomena might cause a nuclear explosion to propagate in the atmosphere]?' Bob replied, 'Take a second bottle of whiskey.' 
** [[Edward Teller]] with Judith L. Shoolery, Memoirs: A Twentieth-Century Journey in Science and Politics (2001), 211.

* The fact is that nuclear weapons have prevented not only nuclear war but conventional war in Europe for forty years.
** [[Margaret Thatcher]], Speech at Lord mayor's Banquet 1986. Quoted in ''One of Us:A Biography of Margaret Thatcher'' by Hugo Young, Macmillan, 1989 (p. 480).

* The greatest [[man]]-made [[threat]] to [[U.S.]] [[survival]] is nuclear weapons.  [[Russia]] already has the capacity to obliterate our [[civilization]], and [[China]] soon could.  As the number of nuclear powers increases, the prospects for preserving a stable deterrence regime diminishes.  However, the U.S. only spent 1-2% of its defense budget on missile defenses during the period from 2003-2014, about $92 billion in then-year dollars.  If the $1.7 trillion wasted on [[Iraq War|Iraq]] had instead been used to develop and deploy a comprehensive [[w:missile defense system|missile defense system]], the U.S. today would be on the verge of being able to defeat all but the biggest nuclear attacks before warheads could reach the American homeland.
** Loren Thompson , [https://www.forbes.com/sites/lorenthompson/2014/06/27/iraq-opportunity-costs-what-america-could-have-had-if-it-never-invaded/#54c96dbd773a “Iraq Opportunity Costs: What America Could Have Had If It Never Invaded”], ''Forbes'', (Jun 27, 2014).

* '''The news today about &quot;[[Atomic bombs]]&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes''': calmly plotting the destruction of the [[world]]! Such explosives in men's hands, while their [[moral]] and [[intellectual]] status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you [[hope]] &quot;this will ensure [[peace]]&quot;. But one good thing may arise out of it, I suppose, if the write-ups are not overheated: [[Japan]] ought to cave in. Well we're in [[God]]'s hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J. R. R. Tolkien]], from a letter to his son [[w:Christopher Tolkien|Christopher Tolkien]] (9 August, 1945) in ''[[w:The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien|The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien]]'' (1981) 

* Sixteen hours ago an American airplane dropped one bomb on Hiroshima, an important [[Imperial Japanese Army|Japanese Army]] base. That bomb had more power than 20,000 tons of TNT....&lt;br&gt;With this bomb we have now added a new and revolutionary increase in destruction to supplement the growing power of our armed forces...&lt;p&gt;It is an atomic bomb. It is a harnessing of the basic power of the universe. The force from which the sun draws its power has been loosed against those who brought war to the Far East....&lt;br&gt;Having found the bomb we have used it. We have used it against those who attacked us without warning at Pearl Harbor, against those who have starved and beaten and executed American prisoners of war, against those who have abandoned all pretense of obeying international laws of warfare. We have used it in order to shorten the agony of war, in order to save the lives of thousands and thousands of young Americans.&lt;br&gt;We shall continue to use it until we completely destroy Japan’s power to make war. Only a Japanese surrender will stop us.
** [[Harry Truman]], radio address to the American people, following the bombing of Hiroshima, Japan (August 6 1945).

* I am not sure it can ever be used... I don't think we ought to use this thing unless we absolutely have to. It is a terrible thing to order the use of something that is so terribly destructive, destructive beyond anything we have ever had. You have got to understand that this isn’t a military weapon. It is used to wipe out women and children and unarmed people, and not for military uses. So we have got to treat this differently from rifles and cannon and ordinary things like that.
**[[Harry Truman]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=7UXSMj3OF4oC&amp;pg=PA344&amp;lpg=PA344&amp;dq=%22It+is+used+to+wipe+out+women+and+children+and+unarmed+people,+and+not+for+military+uses.+So+we+have+got+to+treat+this+differently+from+rifles+and+cannon+and+ordinary+things+like+that.%E2%80%9D&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=xoePU9q9JU&amp;sig=Lxl_x7toU7Y3oD_zKKSZQ2zD29k&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCgQ6AEwA2oVChMIw7D1wb6dxwIVSjI-Ch3ibAd2#v=onepage&amp;q=%22It%20is%20used%20to%20wipe%20out%20women%20and%20children%20and%20unarmed%20people%2C%20and%20not%20for%20military%20uses.%20So%20we%20have%20got%20to%20treat%20this%20differently%20from%20rifles%20and%20cannon%20and%20ordinary%20things%20like%20that.%E2%80%9D&amp;f=false ''Harry S. Truman: A Life''], by Robert H. Ferrell, p. 344

* The atom bomb was no “great decision.” It was used in the war, and for your information, there were more people killed by fire bombs in [[Tokyo]] than dropping of the atomic bombs accounted for. It was merely another powerful weapon in the arsenal of righteousness. The dropping of the bombs stopped the war, save millions of lives. 
** [[Harry Truman]] in reply to a question at a symposium, Columbia University, NYC (28 April 1959). In Truman Speaks (1960), 67. 

* The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not [[global warming]].
** [[Donald Trump]], first presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (26 September 2016)

==V==
* With the end of the [[Second World War]], the [[Soviet Union]] was now high on the list of tyrannical enemies of democracy, and [[American]] nuclear weapons development and strategic theory were fashioned with that enemy foremost in mind. [[Robert Oppenheimer|Oppenheimer]]’s sympathy for [[Communism]], his enthusiasm for [[world government]] as the ultimate arbiter of nuclear technology, and his qualms about the proposed second generation of nuclear weapons, played a critical role in the history of the [[Cold War]] and in the precipitous course of his subsequent career. Already, in the fall of 1945, when [[Edward Teller]] was pressing for immediate development of the hydrogen bomb (the “Super,” as it was called), Oppenheimer responded coldly and tersely: “I neither can nor will do so.” Oppenheimer regarded the Super as a [[genocidal]] weapon: its only conceivable purpose would be the destruction of civilian populations by the millions — and ideally in the tens or hundreds of millions. The sole end of war with H-bombs would be annihilation. The peace that such a war would bring would be that of the mass grave; and if there were any survivors, they would likely prefer to have been among the dead. [[Civilization]] would have to be reconstituted from radioactive ash. &lt;br&gt; And yet the undeniable perfidy of the [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] Soviet Union convinced even Oppenheimer that the Atomic Energy Commission (AEC), created to oversee the use of atoms for peace, would be above all the instrument of war. In 1947, Oppenheimer declared that the agency’s main job was to “provide atomic weapons and good atomic weapons and many atomic weapons.” And Oppenheimer wanted to be the moving force in this work, despite his ever-deepening moral qualms. &lt;br&gt; But Oppenheimer was never of one mind for long. The Soviets’ test of an atomic bomb in 1949 propelled him back to the internationalist position he had taken just after the war, believing that a single world organization should govern the nuclear policies of every individual nation. While Edward Teller insisted that the Super was needed now more than ever, Oppenheimer huffed, “Keep your shirt on.” He joined Enrico Fermi and other eminent physicists in lobbying [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]’s former vice-president [[Henry A. Wallace|Henry Wallace]] to stop H-bomb development, “primarily because we should prefer defeat in war to victory obtained at the expense of the enormous human disaster that would be caused by its determined use.” To possess a weapon of incalculable potency — some theoreticians feared it could ignite the atmosphere in an explosive chain reaction and destroy the earth — would pose graver dangers than not to have one at all.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* While Oppenheimer was making the case for tactical nuclear weapons, useful on the battlefield, the Strategic Air Command’s war plan emphasized a massive and decisive nuclear first strike in the event of a conventional Soviet attack on [[Western Europe]]. According to Bird and Sherwin, the H-bomb advocates were so obsessed with the threat of Communism that they believed “Oppenheimer’s championing of tactical nuclear weapons was a ploy to block the Super Bomb.” Teller went so far as to spread the word that in trying to block the H-bomb Oppenheimer was acting on “direct orders from Moscow.” Teller may have been out of control, the Strategic Air Command may have been defending its turf, and Strauss may have been seeking personal revenge against Oppenheimer, but all the same, the gravest matters were at stake. The Soviet Union was a real threat that needed to be confronted with [[sobriety]]; seeing the defenders of the H-bomb as [[fanatics]] and [[conspiracy theorists]] foolishly belittles the [[existential]] [[challenge]] America was then just beginning to face.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* [[Machiavelli]], so widely considered the founding father of modern political morality, or immorality, understood prudence, or the ability to choose among possible courses of action, as the sine qua non of the conqueror. But in the atomic age, the foremost aim of prudence among more or less decent nations is no longer to conquer but to avoid annihilation, while also avoiding the evil of annihilating the enemy — i.e., nuclear genocide. In October 1949, the General Advisory Committee to the AEC recommended that “a super bomb should never be produced” — that it “might become a weapon of genocide.” Oppenheimer was one of the signatories. To assume that the Soviet enemy would share this American scrupulousness was the committee’s fallacy; and to make such an assumption of [[Stalin]] was the depth of folly.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

== W ==
* The only use for an atomic bomb is to keep somebody else from using one. It can give us no protection—only the doubtful satisfaction of retaliation...&lt;p&gt;Nuclear weapons offer us nothing but a balance of terror, and a balance of terror is still terror. 
** {{W|George Wald}}, from speech given at an anti-war teach-in at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, (4 Mar 1969) 'A Generation in Search of a Future', as edited by Ron Dorfman for Chicago Journalism Review, (May 1969). 

* I used to worry about the fact that [General Power] had control over so many weapons and weapon systems and could, under certain conditions, launch the force. Back in the days before we had real positive control [i.e., PAL locks], SAC had the power to do a lot of things, and it was in his hands, and he knew it.
** [[w:Horace M. Wade|Horace M. Wade]], qtd. in Peter D. Feaver: ''Armed Servants: Agency, Oversight, and Civil-Military Relations''. Harvard University Press, Cambridge 2005, ISBN 978-0-674-01761-0, S. 151.

* The only absolute defence against nuclear weapons is to do away with them.
** [[w:Francis Wheen|Francis Wheen]], &quot;Dr. Stranglove, I Presume&quot;, ''The Guardian'', 12th April 2000.

* When [[A. J. P. Taylor]], having described with lurid relish the effect of a nuclear explosion, asked &quot;Is there anyone here who would want to do this to another human being?&quot; there was a complete hush until he yelled, to thunderous applause, &quot;''Then why are we making the damned things?''&quot;
** [[w:David Widgery|David Widgery]], on Taylor's speech at a February 1958 [[w:Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament|CND]] meeting. In &quot;Don't You Hear the H-Bomb's Thunder?&quot; in David Widgery, ''The Left in Britain'', 1976, (p.101).

*'''Nuclear weapons are a symptom of conflict, fear, insecurity, and a drive to dominate.''' Denuclearization will follow more naturally and easily with decreased tensions and improved relationships.  Sanctions are a form of economic warfare with a high rate of failure. Punitive, coercive policies do not always achieve the best outcomes. Sanctions harm innocent people, escalate conflicts and can put us on a path to war. They can provoke targeted populations to rally round the flag, support hardliners and inflame resentment against America.  We can achieve superior outcomes with clear-eyed respect and steps towards thawing the ice.
**[[Marianne Williamson]] in [https://www.cfr.org/article/marianne-williamson Candidates Answer CFR's QuestionsMarianne Williamso''Council on Foreign Relations''], August 16, 2019

==Y==
[[File:342-usaf-11034_Medical_Aspects-Hiroshima.webm|thumb|Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. ~ Hidehiko Yuzaki]]
* Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. Moreover, nuclear disarmament continues to stagnate, further exacerbating global tensions.
** Hidehiko Yuzaki as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

=== Zeeya Merali, [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/did-chinas-nuclear-tests/ “Did China's Nuclear Tests Kill Thousands and Doom Future Generations?”], ''Scientific American'', (July 1, 2009). ===
* Enver Tohti remembers the week that it rained [[dust]]. That summer of 1973 he was in elementary school in [[w:Xinjiang Province|Xinjiang Province]], China’s westernmost region, which is inhabited mostly by [[Uyghurs|Uygurs]], one of the country’s minority ethnic groups. “There were three days that earth fell from the sky, without wind or any sort of [[storm]]. The sky was deadly silent—no [[sun]], no [[moon]],” he recalls. When the kids asked what was happening, the teacher told them that there was a storm on [[Saturn]] (its [[Chinese language|Chinese]] name translates into “soil planet”). Tohti believed her. It was only years later that he realized it was radioactive dust raised by the test detonation of a nuclear bomb within the province.
* A few hundred thousand people may have died as a result of radiation from at least 40 nuclear explosions carried out between 1964 and 1996 at the [[w:Lop Nur|Lop Nur]] site in Xinjiang, which lies on the [[w:Silk_Road|Silk Road]]. Almost 20 million people reside in Xinjiang, and Tohti believes that they offer unique insight into the long-term impact of radiation, including the relatively little studied genetic effects that may be handed down over generations. 
* The figures came as little surprise to Tohti. Ironically, as a teenager, he was proud that his province was chosen for tests marking China’s technological and [[People's Liberation Army|military]] progress. His view changed when he became a physician and saw a disproportionate number of malignant [[lymphomas]], [[lung cancers]], [[leukemia]] cases, degenerative disorders and babies born with deformities. “Many doctors suspected this was connected to the tests, but we couldn’t say anything,” Tohti recalls. “We were warned away from researching by our superiors.”
* The Lop Nur project is just the tip of an international iceberg, remarks Abel Gonzalez of the Argentine Nuclear Regulatory Authority in Buenos Aires. Radiation researchers have had easy access to only three sites where nuclear blasts occurred—the U.S.’s site Bikini Atoll, the [[Soviet Union]]’s [[w:Semipalatinsk|Semipalatinsk]] site in [[Kazakhstan]] and [[France]]’s site in [[Polynesia]]—and these areas represent just a small fraction of the approximately 500 atmospheric tests the world has seen. “We have a moral responsibility to investigate all nuclear test sites,” Gonzalez says. Certainly for the Xinjiang people affected by the Lop Nur tests, truer words have never been spoken.
* Does repeated exposure to radiation affect [[w:germ-line|germ-line]] cells such that the same [[mutations]] get passed on, generation after generation? That is one question the Lop Nur project hopes to answer. The other two major instances of a large population exposure to radiation—the atomic bombs dropped over Hiroshima and Nagasaki—have produced no generational effects in survivors, points out Roy Shore, chief of research at the Radiation Effects Research Foundation in Hiroshima. But he adds that the exposure patterns vary. “The atomic bomb was an almost instantaneous exposure,” Shore explains. “We still need good data on radiation that has been delivered time and time again, over a long period—there may be different effects.”

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Pal_controller.jpg|thumb|200px|'''Colonel Campbell''': [S]ince the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections. ~ [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima]]
*'''[[w:Solid Snake|Snake]]''': Do they really have the ability to launch a nuclear missile?
:'''Campbell''': They say they do. They even gave us the serial number of the warhead they plan to use.
:'''Snake''': Was the number confirmed?
:'''Campbell''': I'm afraid so. At the very least, they've got their hands on a real nuclear warhead.
:'''Snake''': Isn't there some kind of [[safety]] device to prevent this kind of [[terrorism]]?
:'''Campbell''': Yes. Every missile and warhead in our arsenal is equipped with a PAL, which uses a discreet detonation code.
:'''Snake''': PAL?
:'''Campbell''': [[w:Permissive Action Link|Permissive Action Link]]. A safety control system built into all  nuclear weapons systems. But even so, we can't rest easy.
:'''Snake''': Why not?
:'''Campbell''': Because the [[w:DARPA|DARPA]] Chief knows the detonation code.
:'''Snake''': But even if they have a nuclear warhead, it must've been removed from its missile. All the missiles on these disposal sites are supposed to be dismantled. It's not that easy to get your hands on an ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missle).
:'''Campbell''': That used to be true, but since the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections.
:* [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima, ''[[Metal Gear Solid]]''. (1998).

== See also ==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
* [[Military-industrial complex|Military Industrial Complex]] 
* [[NATO]]
* [[Nuclear war]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons|Nuclear weapons}}

[[Category:Weapons of mass destruction]]
[[Category:Nuclear|weapons]]
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      <text bytes="146094" sha1="hjs8u5wnndeoi8yznfm8bhglcl7bz92" xml:space="preserve">[[File:JFK_inspects_Mercury_capsule,_23_February_1962.jpg|thumb|Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Iran Talks Vienna 14 July 2015 (19067069963).jpg|thumb|Open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9/11. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Detonation_T%26B.jpg|thumb|I am become death, The Shatterer of Worlds. ~ [[Bhagavad Gita]]]]
[[File:Hiroshima_aftermath.jpg|thumb|A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well. ~ [[George F. Kennan]]]]
[[File:MK6_TITAN_II.jpg|thumb|The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance... the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind. ~ [[Herbert George Wells]]]]
[[File:Little boy.jpg|thumb|They have things like the atom bomb, so I'll think I'll stay where I am. Civilization? I'll stay right here! ~ [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]]]]
[[File:Gorbachev 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|...the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet. [[Mikhail Gorbachev]]]]
[[File:AtomicTestingMuseumB53nuclearbomb.jpg|thumb|200px|If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Bravo_fallout2.png|thumb|...the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations. ~ [[Robert McNamara]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Test_-_Lead_lined_Sherman_tank.jpg|thumb|We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man. [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:Fat_Man_Assembly_Tinian_1945.jpg|thumb|200px|It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. ~ [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:SS-24_silo_destruction.jpg|thumb| Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.)  ~ Uri Friedman]]

'''[[w:Nuclear weapons|Nuclear weapons]]''' are explosive devices that derive their destructive force from [[w:nuclear reactions|nuclear reactions]], either [[w:Nuclear fission|fission]] or a combination of fission and [[w:Nuclear fusion|fusion]]. Both reactions release vast quantities of energy from relatively small amounts of matter.

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== A ==
* [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] seeks to wage war against [[Iraq]] and [[Iran]] because they strive to obtain weapons of mass destruction. However, he does not see the weapons being stockpiled in the [[Israel|Israeli]] arsenal... He also does not see [the WMD] in [[China|Chinese]], [[Russia|Russian]], and [[India|Indian]] arsenals... 
** Abd Al-Bari 'Atwan, ''A Rash and Vulgar President'', Al-Quds Al-Arabi (February 1, 2002)

* Man has mounted [[science]], and is now run away with. I firmly believe that before many centuries more, science will be the master of men. The engines he will have invented will be beyond his strength to control. '''Someday science may have the existence of mankind in its power, and the human race commit suicide, by blowing up the world.'''
** [[Henry Adams]], ''Letter to Charles Francis Adams Jr.'', London, 11 April 1862. In J. C. Levenson, E. Samuels, C. Vandersee and V. Hopkins Winner (eds.), ''The Letters of Henry Adams: 1858-1868'' (1982), 1: 290.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* They have things like the atom bomb! So, I'll think I'll stay where I ''am''. [[Civilization]]? I'll stay right here!
** [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]], [http://www.songlyrics.com/the-andrews-sisters/civilization-bongo-bongo-bongo-lyrics/ &quot;Civilization (Bongo, Bongo, Bongo)&quot;] (1947), Decca

* The idea that every nation ought to have an atomic bomb, like every [[Women|woman]] of [[fashion]] ought to have a mink coat, is deplorable.
** [[Clement Attlee]], cited in S. Beer, ''Modern British Politics'',(Faber and Faber, 1965) and Stuart Thompson,''The Dictionary of Labour Quotations'', Biteback Publishing, (2013). 

* The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] Administration must move more quickly to plan for a future in which nuclear weapons are likely to play a greater role in national defense. Hard as it may be to accept, [[Dr. Strangelove]] is back.
** [[w:Michael Auslin|Michael Auslin]] [http://www.forbes.com/sites/realspin/2014/02/27/the-dangerous-degradation-of-the-u-s-nuclear-arsenal/ &quot;The Dangerous Degradation Of The U.S. Nuclear Arsenal&quot;] ''Forbes'' (February 27, 2014).

== B ==
* Now we're all sons-of-bitches.
** {{W|Kenneth Bainbridge}} remark to [[Robert Oppenheimer]] immediately after the first atom bomb test explosion at Alamogordo as quoted in Lansing Lamont, ''Day of Trinity'' (1966), p. 242. 

* On May 28, 1998, [[Pakistan]] conducted five simultaneous underground nuclear test at Ras Koh Hills in the Chagai District of Balochistan against the Baloch citizen's will and mandate, a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]] and against all [[International law|international laws]].
** Balochistan National Congress, as qtd. in [https://www.vietnamtribune.com/news/257370168/baloch-activists-condemn-pak-1998-nuclear-tests &quot;Baloch activists condemn Pak's 1998 nuclear tests&quot;], ANI, ''Vietnam Tribune'', (29 May 2018).

* Pakistan began building [[Pakistan and weapons of mass destruction|nuclear weapons]] in the early [[1970s]], when India became the sole nuclear power in [[South Asia]]. Prime Minister [[Zulfikar Ali Bhutto|Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto]], in power in Pakistan at the time,  famously said ”Ham ghaas kahe ge, mager bomb banahe ge” — “We will eat [[grass]] later, but we will make a bomb.” &lt;br&gt; Shortly before the 1998 tests, the Pakistani government announced that it had chosen a deserted area in Chagai district to conduct them. But in his 2014 Master’s thesis, titled “Impacts of Nuclear Tests on Chagai,” Abdul Raziq reveals that the area was actually a village and was not deserted. He writes that the blasts took place on one mountain in the [[w:Ras Koh|Ras Koh]] mountain range (Koh-E-Kamran), in the village of Chehtar in Chagai district. While the government claimed that there were “only ten households near to the site, who were shifted to a safer place,” Raziq reports that there were many households near the site, and that even if the tests were conducted one kilometer from the ten households the government says were moved, it would not have kept them safe. “Four thousand people were affected from the blasts,” he writes. “Even the government did not facilitate the people who were displaced and dislocated.”
** Shah Meer Baloch, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/05/the-fallout-from-pakistans-nuclear-tests/ &quot;The Fallout From Pakistan's Nuclear Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat'', (May 29, 2017).

* Countries keep most details of their nuclear weapons secret, but it is known that nine countries own the estimated more than 9,000 nuclear weapons that are in military service. These are either deployed - mounted on land or sea missiles and kept at air bases - or in storage. About 1800 are on high alert and could be fired with little warning. &lt;br&gt; The US and Russia own the vast majority of the world's nuclear weapons. &lt;br&gt; Including retired warheads waiting to be dismantled, the total is said to be almost 15,000, according to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (Sipri). This is a marked decline since the [[1980s]] when the figure peaked at around 70,000.
** ''BBC News'', [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-42873633 “Reality Check: Where are the world's nuclear weapons?”], Reality Check, (2 February 2018).

* People in several Chinese border cities reported feeling the tremors from the seismic activity at the time of the test.&lt;br /&gt;School children ran out into the open in the city of Yanji, which is 10km (6.25 miles) from the border, when they felt the shaking, ''[[w:Global Times|Global Times]]'' reported.&lt;br /&gt;Very close to the site is Punngye-ri village and about 80km away is the North Korean city of Chongjin, but it is not known if these towns were evacuated or warned in any way.
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-41144315 &quot;Punggye-ri: What we know about North Korea's nuclear test site&quot;] ''BBC News'' (29 April 2018).

* As the Director of the Theoretical Division of Los Alamos, I participated at the most senior level in the [[World War II]] [[Manhattan Project]] that produced the first atomic weapons.&lt;br /&gt;Now, at age 88, I am one of the few remaining such senior persons alive. Looking back at the half century since that time, I feel the most intense relief that these weapons have not been used [[Aftermath of World War II|since World War II]], mixed with the horror that tens of thousands of such weapons have been built since that time—one hundred times more than any of us at Los Alamos could ever have imagined.&lt;br /&gt;Today we are rightly in an era of [[disarmament]] and [[Arms control|dismantlement of nuclear weapons]]. But in some countries nuclear weapons development still continues. Whether and when the various Nations of the World can agree to stop this is uncertain. But individual scientists can still influence this process by withholding their skills. &lt;br&gt; Accordingly, I call on all [[scientists]] in all countries to cease and desist from work creating, developing, improving and manufacturing further nuclear weapons - and, for that matter, other weapons of potential mass destruction such as chemical and biological weapons.
** {{w|Hans Albrecht Bethe}} On the 50th anniversary of Hiroshima in letter, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Nov 1995), 51:6, p. 3.

* There are clear and predictable consequences for the world if human beings continue to rape the earth and plunder its resources; to exploit, oppress, and dominate the weak and the poor for the sake of greed and the hunger for power; to depend on ever-rising levels of violence and ever more lethal instruments of death and destruction in order to secure positions of power and privilege.
** [[Allan Boesak]], ''Comfort and Protest'' (1987), pp. 65-66

* The House should express its opposition to the escalation of the nuclear [[w:arms race|arms race]] by any [[nation]] and, in particular, its opposition to [[Canada]]'s participation by testing in Canada any [[nuclear weapon]] or nuclear weapon delivery vehicle such as, and including, the [[w:Cruise missile|cruise missile]]. 
** Edward Broadbent, Canadian House of Commons speech, (July 1, 1983); as qtd in John Clearwater, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Just_Dummies.html?id=x1dL_4n8QcYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;&quot;Just Dummies&quot;: Cruise Missile Testing in Canada&quot;], (2005), p.52.

* We will be making a sufficient but necessary contribution if we simply jar the prevalent complacency on the doctrine of shoot-from-the-hip-and-empty-the-magazine.
** [[Bernard Brodie]], remarking on the prevalent 1950's strategy of massive retaliation, colloquially know as the [[w:SIOP|'Sunday Punch']]. (Cited from a semi-classified [[w:Rand Corporation|RAND]] document, ''Must We shoot From the Hip?'')

* We may as well admit that the strictly tactical problem of destroying Manhattan is already absurdly easy, and time promises to make it no less easy. That is only to say that its protection, if it can be protected, is henceforward a strategic and political problem rather than a tactical one.
** [[Bernard Brodie]] , &quot;Strategy in the Missile Age&quot; (1959), [http://www.rand.org/pubs/commercial_books/CB137-1.html]

* On the eve of the [[Arab-Israeli conflict|Arab-Israeli war]], 50 years ago this week, Israeli officials raced to assemble an atomic device and developed a plan to detonate it atop a mountain in the [[w:Sinai_Peninsula|Sinai Peninsula]] as a warning to [[Egypt|Egyptian]] and other [[Arabs|Arab]] forces, according to an interview with a key organizer of the effort that will be published Monday. &lt;br&gt; The secret contingency plan, called a “doomsday operation” by Itzhak Yaakov, the retired brigadier general who described it in the interview, would have been invoked if Israel feared it was going to lose the 1967 conflict. The demonstration blast, Israeli officials believed, would intimidate Egypt and surrounding Arab states — [[Syria]], [[Iraq]] and [[Jordan]] — into backing off. &lt;br&gt; Israel won the war so quickly that the atomic device was never moved to Sinai. But Mr. Yaakov’s account, which sheds new light on a clash that shaped the contours of the modern [[Middle East]] conflict, reveals Israel’s early consideration of how it might use its nuclear arsenal to preserve itself. &lt;br&gt; “It’s the last secret of the [[w:Six-Day_War|1967 war]],” said Avner Cohen, a leading scholar of Israel’s nuclear history who conducted many interviews with the retired general.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* If the Israeli leadership had detonated the atomic device, it would have been the first nuclear explosion used for military purposes since the [[United States]]’ [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki]] 22 years earlier. &lt;br&gt; The plan had a precedent: The United States considered the same thing during the Manhattan Project, as the program’s scientists hotly debatedwhether to set off a blast near [[Japan during World War II|Japan]] in an effort to scare [[Hirohito|Emperor Hirohito]] into a quick surrender. The military vetoed the idea, convinced that it would not be enough to end the war.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* [[w:Punggye-ri|Punggye-ri]] is located in the remote, mountainous northeastern section of the country. The test site is believed to have been established in the early 2000s, and it became widely known following the North's first nuclear test in 2006. The smattering of journalists from the U.S., U.K., [[South Korea]], China and Russia took a reported 20-hour journey by train and bus from Wonsan, on [[North Korea]]'s east coast, to get to Punggye-ri for the nuclear site dismantlement. &lt;br&gt; In addition to being remote, experts say Punggye-ri is an ideal test site. &quot;From a geologic perspective, it's a really good choice,&quot; says Frank Pabian, an imagery analyst at 38 North with a long background in studying nuclear testing. Most of the test tunnels lie under Mount Mantap, a granite mountain that is perfect for containing powerful nuclear explosions.
** Geoff Brumfiel, Elise Hu, [https://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2018/05/24/613465473/north-korea-demolishes-its-nuclear-test-site-in-a-huge-explosion &quot;North Korea Demolishes Its Nuclear Test Site In A 'Huge Explosion'&quot;], (May 24, 2018).

== C ==
[[File:EMP_mechanism.png|thumb|You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again. ~ [[John Carpenter]]]]
* The American, English and French [[newspapers]] are spewing out elegant dissertations on the atomic bomb. We can sum it up in a single phrase: mechanized civilization has just achieved the last degree of savagery.
** [[Albert Camus]], ''Combat'', 8th August 1945. Quoted in ''In a Dark Time'' Nicholas Humphrey, Robert Jay Lifton, 1984, (p.27).

* In April 1946, the sleepy town of [[w:Sarov|Sarov]] with a population of 3000 (best known for its monastery), 400 km east of [[Moscow]], was converted into the super-secret atomic weapons city of [[w:Arzamas-16|Arzamas-16]] (sometimes nick-named &quot;Los Arzamas&quot;). For over 45 years Sarov disappeared from the map, to reappear under its original name of Sarov after the [[w:dissolution_of_the_Soviet_Union|collapse of the Soviet Union]]. Throughout this 45 year period it was headed by one man: Yuli Khariton, Scientific Director of Arzamas-16 from 1946 to 1992.
** Sublette, Carey. [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Russia/Sovwpnprog.html &quot;The Soviet Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], nuclearweaponarchive.org. (Retrieved 21 April 2017).

* You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again.
** [[John Carpenter]], ''[[Escape from L.A.]]'', (1996)

* May there not be methods of using explosive [[energy]] incomparably more intense than anything heretofore discovered? Might not a bomb no bigger than an [[Oranges|orange]] be found to possess a secret power to destroy a whole block of [[Building|buildings]]—nay, to concentrate the force of a thousand tons of cordite and blast a township at a stroke? Could not explosives even of the existing type be guided automatically in flying machines by [[Radio|wireless]] or other rays, without a human pilot, in ceaseless procession upon a hostile city, arsenal, camp or dockyard? 
** [[Winston Churchill]], &quot;Shall We All Commit Suicide?&quot; ''Pall Mall'' (Sep 1924). Reprinted in Thoughts and Adventures (1932), 250. 

* Be careful above all things not to let go of the atomic weapon until you are sure, and more than sure, that other means of preserving [[peace]] are in your hands.
** [[Winston Churchill]], Final Speech to US Congress, as cited in ''The War That Must Never Be Fought: Dilemmas of Nuclear Deterrence''

* The atomic bomb is the [[Second Coming]] in [[Wrath]].
** [[Winston Churchill]], on hearing about the [[w:Trinity test|Trinity test]], as recollected in Harvey H. Bundy, &quot;Remembered Words,&quot; ''The Atlantic'' (March 1957).

* It is arguable whether the [[human race]] have been gainers by the march of [[science]] beyond the [[steam engine]]. [[Electricity]] opens a field of infinite conveniences to ever greater numbers, but they may well have to pay dearly for them. But anyhow in my thought I stop short of the [[w:Internal_combustion_engine|internal combustion engine]] which has made the [[world]] so much smaller. Still more must we fear the consequences of entrusting a human race so little different from their predecessors of the so-called barbarous ages such awful agencies as the atomic bomb. Give me the [[Horses|horse]]. 
** [[Winston Churchill]], address to the [[w:Royal College of Surgeons|Royal College of Surgeons]] (10 Jul 1951). Collected in ''Stemming the Tide: Speeches 1951 and 1952'' (1953), p. 91.

* The men who dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima on 6 August 1945 were deploying [[technology]] that had taken decades to develop. Nonetheless, in carrying out that act, these US airmen did effect an almost immediate transformation in the nature of warfare and in attitudes towards it. 
** [[:w:Linda Colley|Linda Colley]]&lt;ref&gt;https://web.archive.org/web/20200110112239/https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v40/n06/linda-colley/can-history-help&lt;/ref&gt;

* On 17th July there came to us at Potsdam the eagerly-awaited news of the trial of the atomic bomb in the [[New Mexico|[New] Mexican]] [[desert]]. Success beyond all dreams crowded this sombre, magnificent venture of our American allies. The detailed reports... could leave no doubt in the minds of the very few who were informed, that we were in the presence of a new factor in human affairs, and possessed of powers which were irresistible. 
** [[Winston Churchill]] from his final review of the war and his first major speech as [[w:Leader of the Opposition|Leader of the Opposition]] in the [[w:House of Commons|House of Commons]] (16 Aug 1945). In Robert Rhodes James, ed., ''Winston S. Churchill: His Complete Speeches'', 1897-1963 (1974), Vol. 1, 7210

== D ==
* The [[w:historical record|historical record]] of [[terrorists]] pursuing nuclear and radiological capabilities is small in size, complicated by significant information gaps, and not well understood. The size of the [[w:dataset|dataset]] and the considerable unknowns about the cases where groups have sought these capabilities make it difficult to assess the nature of the danger and to anticipate new developments in the nature of the threat. However, given the potential consequences of terrorist theft of a nuclear weapon or indigenous development of a nuclear device—even one employing a crude design that produces only a small nuclear yield—poses a serious danger that the United States and other allied nations must take extraordinary measures to thwart. Developing an effective and comprehensive strategy to prevent terrorist acquisition of nuclear and radiological weapons capabilities must begin with a thorough understanding of the historical record of terrorist efforts and opportunities to acquire these capabilities.
** Sara Daly, John Parachini, William Rosenau, [https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/documented_briefings/2005/RAND_DB458.pdf “Aum Shinrikyo, Al Qaeda, and the Kinshasa Reactor Implications of Three Case Studies for Combating Nuclear Terrorism”], ''Rand Project Airforce'', (2005), p. iii.

* [[France]]'s past as a prolific nuclear weapons tester returned to haunt it today as a [[French Armed Forces|military]] report appeared to prove that [[soldiers]] had been deliberately exposed to the [[w:Radioactive_fallout|radioactive fallout]] of explosions in the [[w:Sahara|Sahara]] desert. &lt;br&gt; The [[w:Government_of_France|French government]], which carried out more than 200 tests of its nuclear weapons arsenal from 1960 to 1996, has always claimed the operations were carried out as safely as possible.
** Lizzy Davies, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/feb/16/france-soldiers-exposed-nuclear-radiation &quot;France Soldiers Exposed Nuclear Radiation&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (16 Feb 2010).

* Do not be so naive. With economic conditions the way they are in Russia today, anyone with enough money can buy a nuclear bob. It's no big deal really.
** Vladimir K. Dmitriev, as quoted in Pete Earley, [https://books.google.com/books?id=TxxynN0KTJcC &quot;Comrade J: The Untold Secrets of Russia's Master Spy in America After the End of the Cold War&quot;]

* As previous work has pointed out, the nuking of a sufficiently large [[city]] would be enough to generate a global-scale nuclear autumn. Take [[Los Angeles]], for example, a city that extends for 500 square miles. The explosion and resulting fires would send an estimated 5.5 million tons of ash and soot into the stratosphere, causing sunlight, temperatures, and rainfall to temporarily decrease around the world. Globally, this would result in diminished growing seasons for the next half-decade, and temperatures would be the lowest in a thousand years. In some parts of the world, rainfall would be down by as much as 80 percent. &lt;br&gt; But unlike this earlier work, which focused on relatively small, 15-kiloton nukes exploding over cities, the new study looked at whether today’s more powerful weapons could trigger nuclear autumn all on their own. They can. Liska and his colleagues found that the [[US]], [[Russia]], and [[China]] all have weapons that could trigger a nuclear autumn through the detonation of fewer than five bombs. 
** George Dvorsky, [https://gizmodo.com/limited-nuclear-strikes-could-still-wreak-climate-hav-1796931266 &quot;‘Limited’ Nuclear Strikes Could Still Wreak Climate Havoc&quot;], ''Gizmodo'', (7/14/17).

*now we got weapons/Of chemical dust/If fire them we’re forced to/Then fire them we must/One push of the button/And a shot the world wide/And you never ask questions/When God’s on your side /If God’s on our side/They’ll stop the next war   
**[[Bob Dylan]], With God on Our Side 1964

== E ==
* Some recent work by [[Enrico Fermi|E. Fermi]] and [[Leó Szilárd|L. Szilard]], which has been communicated to me in manuscript, leads me to expect that the element [[w:Uranium|uranium]] may be turned into [[Nuclear power|a new and important source of energy]] in the immediate future. Certain aspects of the situation seem to call for watchfulness and, if necessary, quick action on the part of the Administration...&lt;p&gt;This new phenomenon would also lead to the construction of [[bombs]], and it is conceivable—though much less certain—that extremely powerful bombs of a new type may thus be constructed. A single bomb of this type, carried by [[Boats|boat]] or exploded in a port, might very well destroy the whole port together with some of the surrounding territory. However, such bombs might very well prove to be too heavy for [[Transport|transportation]] by [[air]].
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to President [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (August 2, 1939, delivered October 11, 1939); reported in ''Einstein on Peace'', ed. Otto Nathan and Heinz Norden (1960, reprinted 1981), pp. 294–95.

* The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
** [[Albert Einstein]], Statement on the Atomic Bomb to Raymond Swing, before 1 October 1945, as reported in ''Atlantic Monthly'', vol. 176, no. 5 (November 1945), in ''Einstein on Politics'', p. 373

* Today the atomic bomb has altered profoundly the nature of the world as we know it, and the human race consequently finds itself in a new habitat to which it must adapt its thinking.
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Only Then Shall We Find Courage&quot;, ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 June 1946).

* Nuclear proliferation is on the rise. Equipment, material and training were once largely inaccessible. Today, however, there is a sophisticated worldwide network that can deliver systems for producing material usable in weapons. The demand clearly exists: countries remain interested in the illicit acquisition of weapons of mass destruction. &lt;br&gt; If we sit idly by, this trend will continue. Countries that perceive themselves to be vulnerable can be expected to try to redress that vulnerability — and in some cases they will pursue clandestine weapons programs. The supply network will grow, making it easier to acquire nuclear weapon expertise and materials. Eventually, inevitably, terrorists will gain access to such materials and technology, if not actual weapons. &lt;br&gt;If the world does not change course, we risk self-destruction.
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], ''Saving Ourselves From Self-Destruction'' (2004), [http://www.iaea.org/NewsCenter/Statements/2004/ebNYT20040212.html Op-Ed essay] published in ''The New York Times'' (12 February 2004).

== F ==
* The modernization and expansion of nuclear arsenals in multiple countries, combined with the lack of diplomatic efforts to reduce nuclear risks, have increased the likelihood of catastrophe.  Development of hypersonic glide vehicles, ballistic missile defenses, and weapons-delivery systems that can use conventional or nuclear warheads raise the probability of miscalculation during a crisis.  By our estimation, the potential for the world to stumble into [[nuclear war]]—an ever-present danger over the last 75 years—increased in 2020.
** Steve Fetter as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

* We scientists are clever—too clever—are you not satisfied? Is four square miles in one bomb not enough? Men are still thinking. Just tell us how big you want it! 
** [[Richard P. Feynman]] as quoted in James Gleick, ''Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman'' (1992), 204.

* Although the use of lethal weaponry predates the Cold War—in [[Colonialism|Europe’s imperial wars]] and in [[World War I|World Wars I]] and II there was [[Civilian casualties|mass killing of civilians]] and warriors—the advent of the atomic bomb utterly transformed [[international relations]]. Once both sides possessed weapons capable of not only destroying the other’s territory and population but also contaminating large parts of the [[earth]], the [[Cold War]] developed into a rigid struggle driven by fear and a costly arms race. While nuclear weapons intensified several major Cold War crises, the threat of [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]] also served as a brake on the Superpowers.
** Carole C. Fink, ''The Cold War: An International History'' (2017), p. 2
* [[w:Bikini Islands|Bikini islanders]] and their [[descendants]] have lived in [[exile]] since they were moved for the first weapons tests in 1946. When [[Federal government of the United States|US government]] scientists declared Bikini safe for resettlement some residents were allowed to return in the early [[1970s]]. But they were removed again in 1978 after ingesting high levels of [[w:Radiation|radiation]] from eating foods grown on the former nuclear test site.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* US nuclear experiments in the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] ended in 1958 after 67 tests. But a [[United Nations]] report in 2012 said the effects were long-lasting. Special rapporteur Calin Georgescu, in a report to the [[United Nations Human Rights Council|UN human rights council]], said “near-irreversible [[Environmental degradation|environmental contamination]]” had led to the loss of livelihoods and many people continued to experience “indefinite displacement”.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.) &lt;br&gt; Only [[South Africa]] has dismantled nuclear weapons that it constructed and controlled. In this sense, it is the closest analogue to what U.S. officials have in mind when they demand the “denuclearization of the [[Korean peninsula]].”
** Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Uri Friedman''': Why did the [[South African]] government, in the mid-1970s, decide to embark on a nuclear-weapons program?
:'''F.W. de Klerk''': The main motivation was the expansionist policies of the [[Soviet Union|U.S.S.R.]] in southern Africa. They were supporting all the [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Africa|African]]] liberation movements—they were supplying weapons and training—and it was part of their vision to gain direct or indirect control over most of the countries in [[southern Africa]]. They financed the deployment of many thousands of [[Cuba|Cuban]] troops, especially to [[w:Angolan_Civil_War|Angola]], and this was interpreted as a threat first by Prime Minister [[John Vorster]], and following upon him [[P. W. Botha|P.W. Botha]]. [The nuclear arsenal] was never intended, I think, to be used. It was a deterrent. Because of [[apartheid]] South Africa was becoming more and more isolated in the eyes of the rest of the world. There wouldn’t be, in the case of Russian aggression or invasion, assistance from the international community. It was felt that, if we have nuclear weapons, and if we then would disclose in a crisis that we have [them], it would change the political scenario and the U.S.A. and other [Western] countries might step in and assist South Africa.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Friedman''': In an op-ed in 2013 in the Los Angeles Times, you wrote, “South Africa has illustrated that long-term security can be far better assured by the abrogation of nuclear weapons than by their retention.” It seems that [[Kim Jong-un|Kim Jong Un]] of North Korea has, at least according to his propaganda, learned the opposite lesson: that if you’re [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Libya]]’s [[Muammar Gaddafi|Muammar] Qaddafi]] or [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam [Hussein]] in Iraq] and you give up your [pursuit of] nuclear weapons, you reduce your security [and bring about your demise at the hands of the U.S. and its allies]. Or if you’re Ukraine and you sign up to the [[w:Budapest_Memorandum|Budapest Memorandum]], and then Russia two decades later invades you, that you’ve actually given up security by relinquishing nuclear weapons.
:'''De Klerk''': I still agree with [what I wrote]. Ultimately, the world will be safe only when all the nuclear states follow South Africa’s example and dismantle their nuclear weapons.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

== G ==
[[File:Nuclear reactor in dimona (israel).jpg|thumb|There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]] ]]
* There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. '''How can the Arabs and [[Muslim|Muslims]] recognize so-called Israel while it owns the nuclear arsenal? this is impossible, unless they also enjoyed the right of having their own nuclear arsenal,''' there is also the [[1948 Palestinian exodus|refugees problem]] there are 4 million [[Palestine|Palestinians]] who should return this is the basis of the problem.
** [[Muammar Gaddafi]], Talk to Al-Jazeera (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

* I regard the employment of the atom bomb for the wholesale destruction of [[Man|men]], [[women]] and [[children]] as the most diabolical use of science.
** [[Mohandas Gandhi]], ''Harijan'', 29 September 1946, quoted in ''The Making of the Indian Atomic Bomb:Science, Secrecy and the Postcolonial State'' by Itty Abraham, Zed Books, 1998. (p. 30).

* So far as I can see the atomic bomb has deadened the finest feeling that has sustained mankind for ages. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], (1946). In William Borman, ''Gandhi and Non-Violence'' (1986), 170. 

* [[Nonviolence|Non-violence]] … is the only thing that the atom bomb cannot destroy. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], in William Borman, Gandhi and Non-Violence (1986), 170. 

* Decay and desolation scar the landscape of a remote corner of the Kazakh Steppe. Unnatural lakes formed by nuclear bomb explosions pockmark the once flat terrain, broken up only by empty shells of buildings. It appears uninhabitable. And yet, ghosts – living and dead – haunt the land, still burdened by the effects a nuclear testing program that stopped nearly 30 years ago. &lt;br&gt; The site, known as the Polygon, was home to nearly a quarter of the world’s nuclear tests during the Cold War. The zone was chosen for being unoccupied, but several small [[Agriculture|agricultural]] villages dot its perimeter. Though some residents were bussed out during the test period, most remained. The damage that continues today is visceral.
** Alexandra Genova, [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/proof/2017/10/nuclear-ghosts-kazakhstan/ &quot;This Is What Nuclear Weapons Leave in Their Wake&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (October 13, 2017).

*You have not only [[Fox News|Fox]], but [[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] and [[w:NBC|NBC]]-yes, owned by [[w:General_Electric|General Electric]], one of the major nuclear weapons manufacturers in the world. MSNBC and NBC, as well as FOX, titling their coverage taking the name of what the Pentagon calls the [[Iraq War|invasion of Iraq]]: 'Operation Iraqi Freedom'...They research the most effective [[Propaganda|propagandistic]] name to call their operation.
**[[Amy Goodman]] Independent Media in a Time of War (2003).

* Never before has so terrible a threat loomed so large and dark over mankind as these days. The only reasonable way out of the existing situation is agreement of the confronting forces on an immediate termination of the race in arms, above all, nuclear arms, on Earth and its prevention in [[space]]. An agreement on an honest and equitable basis without attempts at outplaying the other side and dictating terms to it. An agreement which would help all to advance toward the cherished goal: the complete elimination and prohibition of nuclear weapons for good, toward the complete removal of the threat of nuclear war. This is our firm conviction.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.upi.com/Archives/1985/03/11/Excerpts-from-Gorbachevs-first-speech-as-USSR-leader/7718246188921/ Speech to the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union] (11 March 1985)

* The [[Chernobyl disaster|accident at Chernobyl]] showed again what an abyss will open if [[nuclear war]] befalls mankind. For inherent in the nuclear arsenals stockpiled are thousands upon thousands of disasters far more horrible than the Chernobyl one.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.nytimes.com/1986/05/15/world/excerpts-from-gorbachev-s-speech-on-chernobyl-accident.html Speech on the Chernobyl accident] (15 May 1986)

* '''As long as weapons of mass destruction exist, primarily nuclear weapons, the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet.'''
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] in [[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger’'']], [[w: BBC World News|BBC World News]],(4 November 2019)

* Nuclear weapons are like a rifle hanging on the wall in a play. We did not write the play, we are not staging it and we do not know what the author intends. Anyone could take the rifle from the wall at any time.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], ''What Is At Stake Now'' (2020)

* As those exposed to it later told investigators, the black mist caused their eyes to sting and their skin to break out in rashes. Others vomited and suffered from diarrhea. &lt;br&gt; It took almost three decades until the cause of the mist was acknowledged as the [[w:Operation Totem|Totem I]] nuclear bomb test, as Indigenous people had been claiming for years. &lt;br&gt; That test was one of a number conducted in the 1950s and '60s, not by the [[Australian]] government, but by its former colonial master, the [[UK]]. Today, 65 years after the Totem I test, the effects are still being felt in [[South Australia]] and beyond.
** James Griffiths, [https://www.cnn.com/2018/10/14/australia/australia-uk-nuclear-tests-anniversary-intl/index.html &quot;Australia is still dealing with the legacy of the UK's nuclear bomb tests, 65 years on&quot;],, ''CNN'' (October 14, 2018).

* This weapon [the atomic bomb] has added an additional responsibility—or, better, an additional incentive—to find a sound basis for lasting peace. It provides an overwhelming inducement for the avoidance of war. It emphasizes the crisis we face in international matters and strengthens the conviction that adequate safeguards for peace must be found. 
** {{W|Leslie Richard Groves}} Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* I first met J. Robert Oppenheimer on October 8, 1942, at [[University of California, Berkeley|Berkeley]], [[California|Calif.]] There we discussed the theoretical research studies he was engaged in with respect to the [[physics]] of the bomb. Our discussions confirmed my previous belief that we should bring all of the widely scattered theoretical work together. … He expressed complete agreement, and it was then that the idea of the prompt establishment of a Los Alamos was conceived.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]] In 'Some Recollections of July 16, 1945', ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Jun 1970), 26, No. 6, 21. 

* In answer to the question, “Was the development of the atomic bomb by the United States necessary?” I reply unequivocally, “Yes.” To the question, “Is atomic energy a force for good or for evil?” I can only say, “As mankind wills it.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]], Final statements in ''And Now It Can Be Told: The Story Of The Manhattan Project'' (1962), 415. 

* It is only when science asks why, instead of simply describing how, that it becomes more than technology. &lt;p&gt; When it asks why, it discovers Relativity. When it only shows how, it invents the atomic bomb, and then puts its hands over its eyes and says, &quot;My God what have I done?&quot;
** [[Ursula Le Guin]], &quot;The Stalin in the Soul&quot; in ''The Language of the Night'', 1976.

== H ==
[[File:Godzilla_(1954).jpg|thumb|[[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]]. ~ [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]]]
* [[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]].
** Makoto Hayashida, portrayed by Yosuke Natsuki in ''[[The Return of Godzilla]]'' (1984), directed by [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]

* On July 10, 1985, two bombs exploded in [[Auckland|Auckland Harbor]], [[New Zealand]]. The blasts sank the ''[[w:Sinking of the Rainbow Warrior|Rainbow Warrior]]'', a ship owned by the international organization Greenpeace, and killed a [[Portugal|Portuguese]] photographer on board. Greenpeace had been preparing the ''Rainbow Warrior'' to lead a protest flotilla to the [[French]] nuclear testing site at [[w:Mururoa Atoll|Mururoa Atoll]] in the [[w:South Pacific|South Pacific]]. Two months after the Auckland Harbor incident, French officials admitted their government's responsibility for destroying the ''Rainbow Warrior''.  &lt;br&gt; Officials of the [[United States]] also were concerned about the ''Rainbow Warrior's'' presence in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific]]: [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] had protested against [[American]] missile testing in [[Canada]] less than six months earlier, and the United Stated conducts a major missile testing program at the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] in the Pacific. The Marshall Islands tests, while not currently involving nuclear explosions, still present serious hazards for ships navigating near missile targets. Frequently, these hazards extend into ocean areas outside United States territorial waters. If a vessel like the ''Rainbow Warrior'' entered such waters at the time of a planned test, the United States would probably have to postpone the test - at considerable cost - or remove the ship, an action that might violate [[international law]]. This Note addresses this potential dilemma and explores the conflict between two policies of the United States: acceptance of the international principle of [[w:Freedom_of_the_seas|freedom of the seas]] and use of those seas for exclusive purposes. The aggressive political activities of organizations such as Greenpeace suggest that this conflict may have more than academic import.
** ''Harvard Law Review'', [https://www.jstor.org/stable/1341242 “Exclusion of Ships from Nonterritorial Weapons Testing Zones”], Vol. 99, No. 5 (Mar., 1986), pp. 1040.

* Anyone who thinks we can continue to have world wars but make them nice polite affairs by outlawing this weapon or that should meditate upon the outlawing of the cross-bow by Papal authority. Setting up the machinery for international law and order must surely precede disarmament. The Wild West did not abandon its shooting irons till after sheriffs and courts were established. 
** {{W|Joel H. Hildebrand}} Speech, American Library Association Conference (3 Jul 1947), as quoted by Lawrence E. Davies in &quot;Army's Atomic Bid Viewed in Making,&quot; ''New York Times'' (4 Jul 1947), 11. 

* For years after World War II, both the United States and the Soviet Union had been trying to perfect a long-range missile capable of carrying nuclear warheads. Building on the successes of [[Nazi Germany]] in developing the V-1 and V-2 rockets that pummeled [[Great Britain]] during the last months of World War II, both American and Russian scientists raced to improve the range and accuracy of such missiles. (Both nations relied heavily on captured [[Germans|German]] scientists in their efforts.) In July 1957, the United States seemed to win the race when the [[w:Atlas missiles|Atlas]], an [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] with a speed of up to 20,000 miles an hour and an effective range of 5,000 miles, was ready for testing. The test, however, was a disaster. The missile rose only about 5,000 feet into the air, tumbled, and plunged to earth. Just a month later, the Soviets claimed success by announcing that their own [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] had been tested, had “covered a huge distance in a brief time,” and “landed in the target area.” No details were given in the Russian announcement and some commentators in the United States doubted that the ICBM test had been as successful as claimed. Nevertheless, the Soviet possession of this “ultimate weapon,” coupled with recent successful test by the Russians of atomic and hydrogen bombs, raised concerns in America. If the Soviets did indeed perfect their ICBM, no part of the United States would be completely safe from possible atomic attack.
** ''History.com'', [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/russia-tests-an-intercontinental-ballistic-missile  “Russia tests an intercontinental ballistic missile”]. 

* With regard to [[nuclear weapons]], the situation is far more dangerous than the last [[Doomsday Clock|Doomsday Clock report]]. New weapons systems under development are much more effectively dangerous. '''The Biden administration, expanding upon Trump’s confrontational approach, has [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] at a loss for words to describe the danger at hand. Only recently, [[Joe Biden|Biden]] met with [[NATO]] leaders and instructed them to plan on two wars, [[China]] and [[Russia]]. According to Chomsky: “This is beyond [[insanity]].” Not only that, the group is carrying out provocative acts when [[diplomacy]] is really needed.''' This is an extraordinarily dangerous situation.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021) 

*'''According to [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]], the Doomsday Clock setting at 100 seconds to midnight is based upon: (1) [[global warming]] (2) [[nuclear war]] and (3) [[disinformation]], or the collapse of any kind of rational discourse.''' As such, number three makes it impossible to deal with the first two major problems. Along those lines, within the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] there’s virtually a disappearance of any pretense of rational discourse. Twenty-five (25%) percent of Republicans [[QAnon|believe the government is run by an elite satanic group of pedophiles]]. Seventy percent (70%) of [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] believe that the [[2020 United States presidential election|election]] was [[Electoral fraud|stolen]]. Only fifteen percent (15%) of Republicans believe that global warming is a serious problem. Therein lies an insurmountable problem to solving the main issues that continually tick the clock ever closer to a disaster scenario that will likely be unprecedented in the annals of warfare and environmental degradation.   As a result, Chomsky says: “We’re living in a world of total illusion and fantasy.” Accordingly, “Unless this is dealt with soon, it’ll be impossible to deal with the two major issues within the time span that we have available, which is not very long.” 
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021)

* The use of the atomic bomb with its indiscriminate killing of women and children, revolts my soul. 
** [[Herbert Hoover]], Letter (8 Aug 1945) to Colonel John Callan O’Laughlin, publisher of Army an Navy Journal, as quoted in Gar Alperovitz, The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb (1996), 459. Cited as O’Laughlin Correspondence File, Box 171, Post-Presidential Papers, Herbert Hoover Presidential Library.

== I ==
* The belief of some [[Government|governments]] that nuclear weapons are a legitimate and essential source of security is not only misguided, but also dangerous, for it incites proliferation and undermines disarmament. All nations should reject these weapons completely — before they are ever used again. &lt;br /&gt; This is a time of great global tension, when fiery rhetoric could all too easily lead us, inexorably, to unspeakable horror. The specter of nuclear conflict looms large once more. If ever there were a moment for nations to declare their unequivocal opposition to nuclear weapons, that moment is now.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

* We applaud those nations that have already signed and ratified the [[w:Treaty_on_the_Prohibition_of_Nuclear_Weapons|Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons]], and we urge all others to follow their lead. It offers a pathway forward at a time of alarming crisis. Disarmament is not a pipe dream, but an urgent humanitarian necessity.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

== J ==
* Fifty years ago, on Jan. 21, 1968, the [[Cold War]] grew significantly colder. It was on this day that an American [[w:B-52G Stratofortress bomber|B-52G Stratofortress bomber]], carrying four nuclear bombs, crashed onto the sea ice of Wolstenholme Fjord in the northwest corner of [[Greenland]], one of the coldest places on [[Earth]]. Greenland is part of the [[Kingdom of Denmark]], and the Danes were not pleased.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

* After the crash, the United States and Denmark had very different ideas about how to deal with HOBO 28’s wreckage and radioactivity. The U.S. wanted to just let the bomber wreckage sink into the fjord and remain there, but Denmark wouldn’t allow that. Denmark wanted all the wreckage gathered up immediately and moved, along with all of the radioactively contaminated ice, to the United States. Since the fate of the Thule Air Base hung in the balance, the U.S. agreed to Denmark’s demands.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

== K ==
[[File:WMD_world_map.svg|thumb|We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate. ~ [[Martin Luther King]]]]
* The unacceptability of the Doomsday Machine raises awkward, unpleasant, and complicated questions that must be considered by both policy maker and technician. If it is not acceptable to risk the lives of the three billion inhabitants of the earth in order to protect ourselves from surprise attack, then how many people would we be willing to risk? I believe that both the United States and [[NATO]] would reluctantly be willing to envisage the possibility of one or two hundred million people (i.e., about five times more than World War II deaths) dying from the immediate effects, even if one does not include deferred long-term effects due to radiation, if an all-out thermonuclear war results from a failure of Type I Deterrence. With somewhat more controversy, similar numbers would apply to Type II Deterrence. (For example, some experts would concede the statement for an all-out Soviet nuclear attack on Europe, but not if the Soviets restricted themselves to the use of conventional weapons.) We are willing to live with the possibility partly because we think of it as a remote possibility. We do not expect either kind of deterrence to fail, and we do not expect the results to be that cataclysmic if deterrence does fail.
** [[Herman Kahn]], [[w:On Thermonuclear War|''On Thermonuclear War'']]

* [[Australia]]'s response to [[India]]'s nuclear tests is the most abrasive of all the responses at the international level. On 14 May 1998 the Australian conservative coalition government decided to take action in response &quot;to the outrageous acts perpetuated by India in conducting no less than five nuclear tests....: It announced immediate suspension of bilateral defence relations with [[India]], withdrawal of its Defence Adviser from [[New Delhi]], suspension of non-humanitarian aid and indefinite postponement of all ministerial and senior official visits. In fact, some [[Indian Armed Forces|Indian defence personnel]] who happened be on a course assignment in Australia were &quot;physically hauled out of classrooms&quot; and asked to leave immediately. Australia was in the forefront in criticizing India's nuclear test at various international fore. However, it did not impose any [[economic sanctions]] on India, which in any case would not have amounted to much.
** Man Mohini Kaul, [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0020881700037004005 “Australia-India Relations: Post-Pokhran II Phase”], ''International Studies'', (October 1, 2000). 

* I consider your crime worse than [[murder]]... I believe your conduct in putting into the hands of the [[Russians]] the A-Bomb years before our best scientists predicted Russia would perfect the bomb has already caused, in my opinion, the [[Communism|Communist]] [[Korean War|aggression in Korea]], with the resultant casualties exceeding 50,000 and who knows but that millions more of innocent people may pay the price of your [[treason]]. Indeed, by your betrayal you undoubtedly have altered the course of [[history]] to the disadvantage of our [[country]]. No one can say that we do not live in a constant state of tension. We have evidence of your treachery all around us every day for the civilian defense activities throughout the nation are aimed at preparing us for an atom bomb attack.
** ''Judge Kaufman's Statement Upon Sentencing the Rosenbergs''. University of Missouri–Kansas City. Retrieved June 24, 2008.

* [We must examine] the thesis that these devices, the so-called nuclear weapons, are really weapons at all&amp;mdash;that they deserve that designation. A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well.
** [[George F. Kennan]], ''The Nuclear Delusion: Soviet-American Relations in the Atomic Age'' (1983), p. 243.

* Today, every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. '''Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear sword of Damocles, hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness.''' The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.
**  [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] (25 September 1961)

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough nuclear power to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension. &lt;br&gt; Yesterday a shaft of light cut into the darkness. Negotiations were concluded in Moscow on a treaty to ban all nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and under water. For the first time, an agreement has been reached on bringing the forces of nuclear destruction under international control-a goal first sought in 1946 when [[Bernard Baruch]] presented [[w:Baruch Plan|a comprehensive control plan to the United Nations]].
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* Continued unrestricted testing by the nuclear powers, joined in time by other nations which may be less adept in limiting [[pollution]], will increasingly contaminate the air that all of us must breathe. Even then, the number of [[children]] and grandchildren with [[cancer]] in their bones, with [[w:Leukemia|leukemia]] in their [[blood]], or with [[Lung cancer|poison in their lungs]] might seem statistically small to some, in comparison with natural health hazards. But this is not a natural [[health]] hazard -- and it is not a [[Statistics|statistical]] issue. The loss of even one human life, or the malformation of even one baby -- who may be born long after we are gone -- should be of concern to us all. Our children and grandchildren are not merely statistics toward which we can be indifferent.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* During the next several years, in addition to the four current nuclear powers, a small but significant number of nations will have the intellectual, physical, and financial resources to produce both nuclear weapons and the means of delivering them. In time, it is estimated, many other nations will have either this capacity or other ways of obtaining nuclear warheads, even as missiles can be commercially purchased today. I ask you to stop and think for a moment what it would mean to have nuclear weapons in so many hands, in the hands of countries large and small, stable and unstable, responsible and irresponsible, scattered throughout the world. There would be no rest for anyone then, no stability, no real security, and no chance of effective disarmament. There would only be the increased chance of accidental war, and an increased necessity for the great powers to involve themselves in what otherwise would be local conflicts. If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* The discovery of nuclear fission to the creation of the first atom bombs took less than seven years.
** [[Jim Al-Khalili]], ''{{w|Chemistry: A Volatile History}}'' Episode 3: The Power of the Elements, 50:29 (2010) a [[BBC]] documentary.

* Following [[World War II]], the Soviet Union’s major programs of nuclear weapon development resulted in that county’s first nuclear device, named RDS1 (standing for Rossia Delaet Sama, meaning “Russia does it itself”). It was first tested in Kazakhstan on 29 August 1949, at what became known as the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS). Until the mid-1950s, all Soviet nuclear tests were conducted above ground at STS. But in 1954 the first Soviet nuclear torpedo (the antiship weapon T-5) was under development and shortly became ready for testing. The Soviet military was eager to test it in a more realistic situation, requiring a site near a seacoast, and Novaya Zemlya was selected at that time for what became the first test in that region, an underwater test on 21 September 1955.
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.2

* Accurate values for the yields of Soviet nuclear tests are of particular interest. There were 496 underground nuclear tests (UNTs) conducted on USSR territory from 1949 to 1990. Among them were 340 tests at the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS) in Kazakhstan, 117 so called Peaceful Nuclear Explosions (PNEs) at many different places on USSR territory other than at test sites, and 39 tests at the Novaya Zemlya Test Site. Soviet yields have been officially published for all 124 PNEs (including seven conducted at STS), and for 22 UNTs at STS.1
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.7

* I happened to read recently a remark by the American nuclear physicist W. Davidson, who noted that the explosion of one hydrogen bomb releases a greater amount of energy than all the explosions set off by all countries in all wars known in the entire history of mankind. And he, apparently, is right.
** [[Nikita Khrushchev]], Address to the United Nations, New York City (September 18, 1959), as reported by ''The New York Times'' (September 19, 1959), p. 8. The physicist quoted was eventually found to be William Davidon, associate physicist at Argonne National Laboratory, Lemont, Illinois.

* Once again there was little to inspire hope that the nuclear-weapon-possessing states are genuinely willing to give up their nuclear arsenals. The long-term modernisation programmes under way in these states suggest that nuclear weapons are still a marker of international status and power.
** Shannon Kile in Richard Norton-Taylor, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jun/03/nuclear-states-developing-new-weapons-report  “Nuclear states developing new weapons in defiance of treaty, report claims“], ''The Guardian'', (2 Jun 2013). 

* We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate.
** [[Martin Luther King]], ''Strength to Love'', 1963.

* The great danger facing us today is not so much the atomic bomb that was created by physical science. Not so much that atomic bomb that you can put in an [[Airplane|aeroplane]] and drop on the heads of hundreds and thousands of people as dangerous as that is. But the real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of [[hate]] and into the most damaging [[selfishness]]—that's the atomic bomb that we've got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem.
** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], ''[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

* Israel was the sixth nation in the world -- and the first in the [[Middle East]] -- to acquire nuclear weapons. However, unlike those of the first five, its nuclear program has remained opaque, that is, shrouded in secrecy, officially unacknowledged and insulated from domestic politics. Cohen, a senior research fellow at the National Security Archive at George Washington University, analyzes in rich detail how this policy of ''nuclear opacity'' evolved and what made it possible. &lt;br&gt; The policy was not the result of a well-thought-out strategy. Rather, it was a product of a series of improvisations under two Prime Ministers, [[David Ben-Gurion]] and [[Levi Eshkol]]. Neither man ever brought the issue before his Cabinet, and Israeli parties on both the [[Left-wing politics|left]] and [[Right-wing politics|right]] refrained from discussing it because of their commitment to the ''sanctity of security''.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The Israeli model of nuclear opacity was eventually followed by all the second-generation nuclear states: [[India]], [[Pakistan]] and [[South Africa]]. But the South Africans dismantled their nuclear arsenal in 1991, and the Indians and Pakistanis publicly tested nuclear weapons in 1998. Thus, Israel today remains the only nuclear-opaque state in the world.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The dropping of the [atomic] bomb on a populated center was another totally superfluous crime. Even if callous arguments for the annihilation of Hiroshima could be made, there was no necessity for the slaughter in Nagasaki, cradle of Japanese Christianity. Within a split second the bomb wiped out one-eighth of [[Japan]]’s [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[Christianity|Christians]]. Here the argument resurfaces—[[Harry S. Truman|Truman]] wanted to impress the Soviets, just as [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] had with Dresden. But how could any butcher impress [[Josef Stalin|the arch-butcher from the Caucasus]]? Not even the late [[Adolf Hitler]] had succeeded.
** [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], ''Leftism Revisited'' (1990), p. 282

==L==
*'''While [[Civil society|Civil Society]] and a global movement work steadfastly across dozens of fields for the abolition of nuclear weapons, planning, preparations, and rehearsals for attacks using deployed H-bombs and nuclear missiles are routine in the [[US military]] and [[NATO|NATO.]]'''&lt;BR&gt;US nuclear war practice takes place routinely with allied European militaries. “Steadfast Noon” is NATO’s code name for its annual nuclear attack practice, and Hans Kristensen reports for the ''Federation of American Scientist''s that, “This is the exercise that practices NATO’s nuclear strike mission with the B61 … nuclear bombs the US deploys in [[Europe]].”  Jan Merička wrote in ''European Security Journal News'' Oct. 19, 2017, that Steadfast Noon is designed “to simulate nuclear strikes… and was conducted from the Kleine Brogel Air Base in [[Belgium]] and Büchel Air Base in [[Germany]], where US B61 thermonuclear bombs with the force of up to 340 kilotons of TNT are stored.” (FYI: Hiroshima was incinerated with a 15 kiloton US bomb.)
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

*To illustrate the [[The Pentagon|Pentagon]]’s ho-hum acceptance of mass destruction, it recently opened in Omaha its new, $1.3 billion Strategic Command headquarters for supervising and targeting the nuclear arsenal, and it named the building after General [[Curtis LeMay]], who, the Omaha World Herald reported, designed and conducted the incendiary bombing of 60 Japanese cities at the end of WWII, bombing that “incinerated entire cities” killing as many as 900,000 civilians. General LeMay’s motto and that of Strategic Command used to be “Death from Above,” but after the war it was changed to “Peace is Our Profession.”&lt;BR&gt;In Germany, readiness for attacks with nuclear weapons is maintained by the USAF 702nd Munitions Support Squadron, which tends to Germany’s 33rd Fighter-Bomber Wing at Büchel Air Force Base. Headlines from last October’s bombing “theater” included, and “[[NATO]] Holds Secret Nuclear War Exercises in Germany,” “German Air Force training for nuclear war as part of NATO;” from 2017, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise unusually open”; and in 2015, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise Steadfast Noon in Büchel.”&lt;BR&gt; While the uninitiated might be aghast, '''the [[United States Armed Forces|US military]] plans and prepares all year round for nuclear attacks''' at its far-flung “Defense Nuclear Weapons School” of the Air Force Nuclear College. According to the school’s website, one branch (of “Armageddon Academy”) is at the Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany, the largest US military base outside the country.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

* As the [[International Red Cross]] marked the 75th anniversary of the atomic bombings in Japan, it issued a strong warning that “the risk of use of nuclear weapons has risen to levels not seen since the end of the Cold War.”   Echoed by former Secretary Perry on the News Hour, other defense policy experts have stated forewarnings, on both the moral grounds of potential omnicidal consequences, and of new weapons technology making nuclear war more likely.   [[Daniel Ellsberg]], for example, sees governments “prepared to unleash a nuclear war which would end civilization as we know it and could kill over seven billion people.” &lt;BR&gt;In our region... many thousands are in need of food assistance, and millions across the country are suffering great personal economic losses under the dual crises of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] and, again, of [[Global warming|climate-change]] related wildfires and storms. As the [[United States Congress|Congress]] budgets nearly ¾ trillion dollars for national defense, it should redirect at least a portion of this enormous sum to the current human needs and support the 2017 United Nations nuclear-weapons-ban treaty, which the work of the [[International Red Cross]]... initiated.
**Letters: Recognition for Cadet Nurses; Ban nuclear weapons, Frances Lamberts, ''Johnson City Press'' (20 September 2020) 

* The Atomic Age began at exactly 5.30 Mountain War Time on the morning of July 15, 1945, on a stretch of semi-desert land about 50 airline miles from Alamogordo, New Mexico. And just at that instance there rose from the bowels of the earth a light not of this world, the light of many suns in one. ... At first it was a giant column that soon took the shape of a supramundane mushroom. 
** {{W|William L. Laurence}} on the [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|first atomic explosion in New Mexico]], 16 Jul 1945, ''New York Times'' (26 Sep 1945). 

* That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The [atomic] bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.
** {{W|Admiral William D. Leahy}} comment on the U.S. Atomic Bomb Project, to President Harry S. Truman in 1945. ''Memoirs: Year of Decisions'' (1955), Vol. 1, 11.

* With the end of the [[Cold War]], many of the arguments for and against [[w:cruise missiles|cruise missiles]] have become outdated. Since almost all of the previous debate was framed in terms of the East/West conflict and the impact on the nuclear balance, the collapse of this framework has changed the significance of cruise missiles. Ground-launched cruise missiles (GLCMs) were banned under the 1987 [[w:Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces Treaty|Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces]] (INF) agreement. In 1991, Presidents Bush and Gorbachev agreed to remove nuclear sea-launched cruise (SLCM) and other tactical missiles from all surface ships and submarines at sea. The future deployment of nuclear air-launched cruise missiles (ALCMs) was limited under the START treaties, and production of the newer &quot;stealth&quot; air-launched Advanced Cruise Missile (ACM) ended in July 1993 at 460 missiles, some 1,000 fewer than had originally been planned.
** James Lee, [http://publications.gc.ca/collections/Collection-R/LoPBdP/MR/mr114-e.htm &quot;Cruise Missile Testing in Canada: The Post-Cold War Debate&quot;], Political and Social Affairs Division, Parliamentary Research Branch, Depository Services Program Government of Canada, (January 21, 1994).

== M ==
* Can one imagine that The Bomb could ever be used &quot;in a good cause&quot;? Do not such means instantly, of themselves, corrupt any cause? The bomb is the natural product of the kind of society we have created. It is as easy, normal, and unforced an expression of the American way of Life as electric ice-boxes, banana splits, and hydro-matic drive automobiles.
** [[Dwight Macdonald]], &quot;Politics&quot; magazine, (August, 1945).

* But these Algerians were not properly warned of their danger after France’s misgoverned nuclear bomb-testing campaign of the early 1960s, which vitrified vast tracts of desert with heat and plutonium and left a legacy of uncontained radiation that is still crippling inhabitants. Estimates of the number of Algerians affected by testing range from 27,000 — cited by the French Ministry of Defense — to 60,000, the figure given by Abdul Kadhim al-Aboudi, an Algerian professor of nuclear physics. &lt;br&gt; Yet there has been little accountability for France’s disregard. A compensation scheme for victims of France’s nuclear tests exists, but it has made payouts to only 17 people. The majority of those were residents of French Polynesia, where France relocated its nuclear testing campaign after leaving Algeria and experimented with more than 190 nuclear bombs from 1966 to 1996.
** Johnny Magdaleno, [http://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2015/3/1/algerians-suffering-from-french-atomic-legacy-55-years-after-nuclear-tests.html &quot;Algerians suffering from French atomic legacy, 55 years after nuke tests&quot;], ''Al Jazeera'', (March 1, 2015). 

* It’s chilling to face the reality that nuclear war is not some distant Cold War era threat, but a strong possibility in our near future. Due to incompetence or belligerence, any nuclear armed country could initiate this death spiral. Right now we face an unprecedented ecological crisis in need of global cooperation. Instead of becoming a leader to reduce and dismantle nuclear weapons, the US is spending over a trillion dollars to modernize its nuclear arsenal. And despite being a signatory to the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, the US is buying hundreds more. In February, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] secured a contract with Northrop Grumman for 600 new nukes, for no reason other than to line the coffers of the [[Military-industrial complex|defense industry]].
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* [[Washington, D.C.|DC]] think tank policy prescriptions about nuclear weapons are sponsored by the very arms companies rewarded with lucrative contracts for their recommendations, which always result in further militarization.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* We need to strategize how we can live in a world beyond nukes, because there will never be peace as long as these weapons exist.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* Any military commander who is honest with himself, or with those he's speaking to, will admit that he has made mistakes in the application of military power. He's killed people unnecessarily—his own troops or other troops—through mistakes, through errors of judgment. A hundred, or thousands, or tens of thousands, maybe even a hundred thousand. But… he hasn't destroyed nations. And the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations.
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''The Fog of War'' (2003).

* The major lesson of the [[Cuban Missile Crisis]] is this: The indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will destroy nations. Is it right and proper that today there are 7500 strategic offensive nuclear warheads, of which 2500 are at 15 minute alert to be launched by the decision of one human being?
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''[[The Fog of War]]'' (2003).

* I will have nothing to do with a bomb!
** {{w|Lise Meitner}} Response to being invited (1943) to work with Otto Robert Frisch and some British scientists at Los Alamos during the Manhattan Project to create the atomic bomb. life inRuth Sime, Lise Meitner: A Life in Physics (1996), 305. 

* If we ourselves happen to survive, are any of us prepared to press the button or allow our elected representatives to command that this be done, in the certainty that it will kill millions of other people?
**[[w:Naomi Mitchison|Naomi Mitchison]], &quot;Questions for Inner Cabinet&quot;, ''[[w:The Herald (Glasgow)|Glasgow Herald]]'', 35th July 1980.

* The future of mankind is going to be decided within the next two generations, and there are two absolute requisites: We must aim at a stable-state society [with limited population growth] and the destruction of nuclear stockpiles. … Otherwise I don't see how we can survive much later than 2050. 
** {{W|Jacques Monod}} quoted in John C. Hess, 'French Nobel Biologist Says World Based On Chance', New York Times (15 Mar 1971), 6. 

* It doesn’t even matter if we ever fire these missiles or not. They are having their effect upon us because there is a generation growing up now who cannot see past the final exclamation mark of a mushroom cloud. They are a generation who can see no moral values that do not end in a crackling crater somewhere. I’m not saying that nuclear bombs are at the root of all of it, but I think it is very, very naïve to assume that you can expose the entire population of the world to the threat of being turned to cinders without them starting to act, perhaps, a little oddly. &lt;br&gt; I believe in some sort of strange fashion that the presence of the atom bomb might almost be forcing a level of human development that wouldn’t have occurred without the presence of the atom bomb. Maybe this degree of terror will force changes in human attitudes that could not have occurred without the presence of these awful, destructive things. Perhaps we are faced with a race between the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in one line and the 7th Calvary in the other. We have not got an awful lot of mid ground between [[Utopia]] and [[Apocalypse]], and if somehow our children ever see the day in which it is announced that we do not have these weapons any more, and that we can no longer destroy ourselves and that we’ve got to do something else to do with our time than they will have the right to throw up their arms, let down their streamers and let forth a resounding cheer.
** [[Alan Moore]] on the issue of nuclear weapons, in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv44V4d_fDQ ''England Their England : Monsters, Maniacs and Moore'' (1987)]

* [The quick way to warm the planet] '''Drop thermonuclear weapons over the poles.'''
** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html &quot;Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015)
** [[Elon Musk]] on the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: &quot;It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one.&quot;

* Nuke [[Mars]] refers to a continuous stream of very low fallout nuclear fusion explosions above the atmosphere to create artificial suns. Much like our sun, this would not cause Mars to become radioactive.&lt;br&gt;Not risky imo &amp; can be adjusted/improved real-time. Essentially need to figure out most effective way to convert mass to energy, as Mars is slightly too far from this solar system's fusion reactor (the sun).
** [[Elon Musk]] 20 August 2019 tweet as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/nuke-mars-elon-musk-seems-serious-about-plan-terraform-red-ncna1045181 &quot;Nuke Mars? Elon Musk seems serious about plan to terraform the red planet&quot;], ''NBC News'' (August 22, 2019, reprinted from Space.com)
== N ==
* Russian inventory of nuclear weapons, particularly tactical weapons, remains larger than any other in the world. In its report, the NIC indicated that it remained “concerned about vulnerabilities to an insider who attempts unauthorized actions” at Russian nuclear weapons storage facilities. Similarly, the NIC noted that “Russian facilities housing weapons-usable nuclear material . . . typically receive low funding, lack trained security personnel, and do not have sufficient equipment for securely storing such material.” As a result, security “varies widely among the different types of Ministry of Atomic Energy (Minatom) facilities and [[Government of Russia|other Russian institutes]]. The NIC report concludes by noting that over the course of the last seven years, “Moscow has recognized the need for security improvements and, with assistance from the United States and other countries, has taken steps to reduce the risk of theft of its nuclear weapons and material.”
** National Intelligence Council, ''Annual Report to Congress on the Safety and Security of Russian Nuclear Facilities and Military Forces'', (February 2003), p. 2.; as quoted in p.4.

* In keeping with the great secrecy involved in India's efforts to develop and test its first nuclear explosive device, the project employed no more than 75 scientists and engineers working on it in the period from 1967 to 1974. Of course this does not count the thousands of individuals required to build and operate the infrastructure supporting BARC and to produce the plutonium for the device. &lt;br&gt; Outside of those actually working on the project, only about three other people in India knew of it - Prime Minister [[Indira Gandhi]], her trusted adviser and former principal secretary [[P. N. Haksar|P.N. Haksar]], and her current principal secretary [[w:Durga_Prasad_Dhar|D.P. Dhar]]. No [[Government of India|government]] ministers, including the [[Swaran Singh|Defense Minister]], were informed. &lt;br&gt; The implosion system was designed to compress the core to twice its normal density. The lenses that were developed used the fast-slow explosive design pioneered by the U.S. in World War II. Like the Gadget exploded at Trinity in 1945, they used an RDX-TNT mixture as the fast explosive, with baratol (barium nitrate and TNT) used as the slow explosive. Chengappa describes the inner slow explosive component as being in the shape of &quot;Shiva ling am&quot; -- a phallus in Hindu religious art which is squat and blunt in form. The device used 12 lens, which is described by Chengappa [pg. 182]: &quot;the way the explosives were placed around the plutonium sphere resembled the petals of the lotus&quot;. This presumably indicates that each hemisphere of the implosion system consisted of 6 longitudinal lens segments (asymmetric diamond shaped lenses) joined together at the pole so that they formed triangular teeth at the equator which interlocked with the opposite hemisphere. This design is simpler and less sophisticated than the 32-lens &quot;soccer ball&quot; system developed by the [[U.S.]] during [[World War II]].
** ''Nuclearweaponarchive.org'', [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/India/IndiaSmiling.html &quot;India's Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], (November 8, 2001).

== O ==
* If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a [[Great Recession|great recession]], reboot our [[Car|auto]] industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history . . . open up a new chapter with the [[Cuba|Cuban]] people, '''shut down [[Iran]]'s nuclear weapons program without firing a shot''', take out the [[Osama bin Laden|mastermind]] of [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] . . . win [[LGBT rights in the United States|marriage equality]], and secure the right to [[Health care in the United States|health insurance]] for another 20 million of our fellow citizens . . . you might have said our sights were set a little too high. '''But that's what we did. That's what you did.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], &quot;[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/farewell President Obama's Farewell Address],&quot; the White House archives (January 10, 2017) 

* [[Ukraine]], [[Kazakhstan]] and [[Belarus]], three states of the former Soviet Union that have nuclear arms on their territory, formally agreed with the United States and Russia today to give up those weapons by the end of the decade and not to seek nuclear arms again. &lt;br&gt; In a wordless, austere ceremony in the barroom of a [[Lisbon]] hotel, [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] [[James Baker|James A. Baker III]] and officials of Russia and the three other nuclear-armed former Soviet republics signed a protocol, or legal supplement, to the 1991 Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START), pledging to carry out its terms. &lt;br&gt; They thus laid the groundwork for ratification of the landmark START treaty and for permitting negotiations to go ahead between the United States and Russia for deeper cutbacks in nuclear arms. &lt;br&gt; The full significance of the occasion, which took months of difficult negotiation to arrange, went far beyond the pale legalism of the six-page documents the diplomats signed. Today's ceremony was a hard-won milestone in a mostly invisible, yet intense diplomatic struggle to maintain control over the world's largest and most awesome array of long-range nuclear weapons, as the Soviet Union, the nation that created and held them during the decades of the Cold War, splintered into more than a dozen parts. 
** Don Oberdorfer,[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1992/05/24/3-ex-soviet-states-to-give-up-a-arms/bf3284ee-c7e9-4b09-bdf7-12c726f033be/ “3 EX-SOVIET STATES TO GIVE UP A-ARMS”], ''Washington Post'', May 24, 1992

* The [[Fire|flame]] from the [[Angels|angel]]'s [[sword]] in the [[w:Garden_of_Eden|Garden of Eden]] has been catalyzed into the atom bomb; [[God]]'s [[thunderbolt]] became blunted, so Man's dunderbolt [sic] has become the Steel Star of Destruction.
**[[Seán O'Casey]], ''Sunset and Evening Star'', 1954.

* I am become [[death]], The Shatterer of Worlds.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], quoting from the 2,000-year-old Bhagavad Gita of India at the instant the first test atomic device exploded. Abraham Pais and Robert P. Crease, J. Robert Oppenheimer: a Life‎ (2006), 44. Also seen translated as “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
** We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture the Bhagavad Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multiarmed form and says, &quot;Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.&quot; I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
** J. Robert Oppenheimer, ''The Decision To Drop The Bomb''; Pontin, Jason (November–December 2007). &quot;Oppenheimer's Ghost&quot;. Technology Review.

* When you see something that is technically sweet, you go ahead and do it and argue about what to do about it only after you've had your technical success. That is the way it was with the atomic bomb.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], testifying in his defense in his 1954 security hearings (page 81 of the official transcript). Quoted in  Charles Thorpe, ''Oppenheimer: The Tragic Intellect''. University of Chicago Press,2008 (pp. 223-4).

* We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man, of whether it is good to learn about the world, to try to understand it, to try to control it, to help give to the world of men increased insight, increased power. Because we are scientists, we must say an unalterable yes to these questions; it is our faith and our commitment, seldom made explicit, even more seldom challenged, that knowledge is a good in itself, knowledge and such power as must come with it. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech to the American Philosophical Society (Jan 1946). ''Atomic Weapons'', printed in Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society, 90(1), 7-10. In Deb Bennett-Woods, Nanotechnology: Ethics and Society (2008), 23. Identified as a speech to the society in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎ (2005), 323

* But when you come right down to it, the reason that we did this job is because it was an organic necessity. If you are a scientist you cannot stop such a thing. If you are a scientist you believe that it is good to find out how the world works; that it is good to find out what the realities are; that it is good to turn over to mankind at large the greatest possible power to control the world and to deal with it according to its lights and values.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], regarding the atomic bomb project from speech at Los Alamos (17 Oct 1945). Quoted in David C. Cassidy, J. ''Robert Oppenheimer and the American Century'' (2009), 214.

* Despite the vision and the far-seeing wisdom of our wartime heads of state, the physicists felt a peculiarly intimate responsibility for suggesting, for supporting, and in the end, in large measure, for achieving the realization of atomic weapons. Nor can we forget that these weapons, as they were in fact used, dramatized so mercilessly the inhumanity and evil of modern war. In some sort of crude sense which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], ''The Open Mind'' (1955), 88

* If atomic bombs are to be added as new weapons to the arsenals of a warring world, or to the arsenals of nations preparing for war, then the time will come when mankind will curse the names of Los Alamos and Hiroshima. The people must unite, or they will perish. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech at Fuller Lodge when the U.S. Army was honouring the work at Los Alamos. (16 Oct 1945). Quoted in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, ''American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎'' (2005), 323. 

* It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Commencement address (1946), as quoted in book review, William J. Broad, ''The Men Who Made the Sun Rise'', ''New York Times Book Review'' (8 Feb 1987), 39.

== P ==
* Congress reacted in 1946 by creating the [[w:Atomic Energy Commission|Atomic Energy Commission]] (AEC) to oversee nuclear development. Responding to the threat of a Soviet nuclear program, the AEC authorized nuclear weapons tests in the South Pacific, and then later decided the [[Nevada]] desert would be less vulnerable to attack. In December 1950, the commission recommended establishing a permanent proving ground on a piece of the old [[Las Vegas]] Bombing and Gunnery Range. Truman concurred, and the first atmospheric detonation at the [[w:Nevada Test Site|Nevada Test Site]], a one-kiloton bomb dropped on Frenchman Flat, took place a month later. The U.S. nuclear testing program continued for 41 years and included 928 nuclear tests (with 1,021 total detonations). Most were underground, but 100 tests were atmospheric, or out in the open. Today, as the Nevada National Security Site, it is still used for radioactive waste storage, first-responder training, “subcritical” nuclear tests, and other projects.
** Samir S. Patel, [https://www.archaeology.org/issues/152-1411/features/2592-united-states-atomic-age-archaeology#art_page2 &quot;Dawn of a Thousand Suns&quot;], ''Archaeology'', (November/December 2014).

* Many of us have lived through another change in Western sensibilities toward military symbolism. When the ultimate military weapons, nuclear bombs, were unveiled in the 1940s and 1950s, people were not repelled, even though the weapons had recently snuffed out a quarter of a million lives and were threatening to annihilate hundreds of millions more. No, the world found them charming! A sexy bathing suit, the bikini, was named after a Micronesian atoll that had been vaporized by nuclear tests, because the designer compared the onlookers’ reaction to an atomic blast. Ludicrous “civil defense” measures like backyard fallout shelters and duck-and-cover classroom drills encouraged the delusion that a nuclear attack would be no big deal. To this day triple-triangle fallout shelter signs rust above the basement entrances of many American apartment buildings and schools. Many commercial logos from the 1950s featured mushroom clouds, including Atomic Fireball Jawbreaker candies, the Atomic Market (a mom-and-pop grocery store not far from [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]), and the Atomic Café, which lent its name to a 1982 documentary on the bizarre nonchalance with which the world treated nuclear weapons through the early [[1960s]], when horror finally began to sink in.
** [[Steven Pinker]], ''The Better Angels of Our Nature'' (2012) 

* The only people who should be allowed to govern countries with nuclear weapons are [[mothers]], those who are still breast-feeding their babies.
** [[wikipedia:Tsutomu Yamaguchi|Tsutomu Yamaguchi]], who lived in Hiroshima when it was hit by an atomic bomb, survived, chose to move to Nagasaki, which was then hit by another atomic bomb, and survived that, too, living until 2010, all according to [[Steven Pinker]].
** Steven Pinker, ''[[wikipedia:The Better Angels of Our Nature|The Better Angels of Our Nature]]: Why Violence Has Declined'' (N.Y.: Viking, hardback 2011 {{ISBN|978-0-670-02295-3}}, p.&amp;nbsp;684.

* In plain words; now that [[United Kingdom|Britain]] has told the world she has the H-Bomb, she should announce as early as possible that she has done with it, that she proposes to reject, in all circumstances, nuclear warfare. This is not pacifism. There is no suggestion here of abandoning the immediate defence of [[Great Britain|this island]].... No, what should be abandoned is the idea of deterrence-by-threat-of-retaliation. There is no real security in it, no decency in it, no faith, hope, nor charity in it.
** [[J. B. Priestley]], &quot;Britain and the Nuclear Bombs&quot;, ''The New Statesman'', 2 November 1957.

* Seeking to maintain its status as a global power [[Aftermath of World War II|after the Second World War]], [[Britain]] tested 12 atomic bombs in [[Australia]] between 1952 and 1957. But when the major powers developed more powerful hydrogen bombs — the [[United States]] in 1952 and the [[Soviet Union]] in 1953 — Britain followed suit. After being refused H-Bomb test sites in Australia and [[New Zealand]], the [[Government of the United Kingdom|UK government]] decided to test its thermonuclear weapons in the British [[w:Gilbert and Ellis Islands|Gilbert and Ellice Islands]] Colony – today, part of the Pacific nation of Kiribati. Under Operation Grapple, nine hydrogen and atomic bomb tests were held at [[w:Malden Island|Malden Island]] and [[w:Christmas Island|Christmas (Kiritimati) Island]] between May 1957 and September 1958.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* During the [[Cold War]], successive British governments regarded nuclear weapons as a symbol of technological prowess and global status. Sir [[Winston Churchill]]’s scientific adviser [[Frederick Lindemann, 1st Viscount Cherwell|Lord Cherwell]] argued that the development of hydrogen as well as atomic weapons was central to maintaining [[British Empire|Britain’s status as an imperial power]]: “If we are unable to make the Bomb ourselves and have to rely entirely on the United States for this vital weapon, we shall sink to the rank of a second class nation, only permitted to supply [[British Army|auxiliary troops]], like the native levies who were supplied small arms but not [[artillery]].”
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* Between 1946 and 1996, there were more than 315 U.S., British and French nuclear tests at ten sites across the region. Many of the workers and military personnel who staffed the Pacific test sites, as well as indigenous communities on neighboring atolls, have faced serious health problems in the aftermath. During my interviews with the ageing survivors of [[w:Operation Grapple|Operation Grapple]], I was told of cases of leukemia, cancer and sterility. Unlike the United States and France, which have established compensation schemes for nuclear survivors (however insufficient), the United Kingdom claims its tests were safe. The UK Ministry of Defence has fought every legal challenge brought by the nuclear veterans, who attribute many illnesses to their presence on Christmas Island.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

== R ==
[[File:Excalibur_firing.png|thumb|I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete. ~ [[Ronald Reagan]]]]
* Suddenly, there was an enormous flash of [[light]], the brightest light I have ever seen or that I think anyone has ever seen. It blasted; it pounced; it bored its way into you. It was a [[vision]] which was seen with more than the [[Eyes|eye]]. It was seen to last forever. You would wish it would stop; altogether it lasted about two seconds. 
** {{W|Isidor Isaac Rabi}}, witnessing the first atomic bomb test explosion, in ''Science: the Center of Culture'' (1970), 139. 

* The [[w:Pokhran test|Pokhran test]] was a bomb, I can tell you now.... An [[w:explosion|explosion]] is an explosion, a [[gun]] is a gun, whether you shoot at someone or shoot at the ground.... I just want to make clear that the test was not all that [[peaceful]].
** [[w:Raja Ramanna|Raja Ramanna]], speaking to the ''Press Trust of India'', (10 October 1997).

* I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete.
** [[Ronald Reagan]] concerning his proposed Strategic Defense Initiative, later to be known as 'Star Wars.' National address (23 March 1983)

* Now, for decades, we and the Soviets have lived under the threat of [[mutual assured destruction]] - if either resorted to the use of nuclear weapons, the other could retaliate and destroy the one who had started it. Is there either logic or morality in believing that if one side threatens to kill tens of millions of our people our only recourse is to threaten killing tens of millions of theirs? I have approved a research program to find, if we can, a security shield that will destroy nuclear missiles before they reach their target. It wouldn't kill people; it would destroy weapons. It wouldn't militarize space; it would help demilitarize the arsenals of Earth. It would render nuclear weapons obsolete. We will meet with the Soviets, hoping that we can agree on a way to rid the world of the threat of nuclear destruction.
**[[Ronald Reagan]], [https://www.reaganlibrary.gov/archives/speech/inaugural-address-1985 Inaugural Address 1985] (21 January 1985)

* The two blocs were also nuclear arsenals. In August 1949 the Soviet Union tested an atomic bomb, signalling an end to America’s monopoly. Then in 1953–4 tests of hydrogen bombs by both sides presaged weapons of far greater power. Reading reports of America’s H-bomb tests, Churchill murmured that the world was now as far from the era of the atomic bomb as the atomic bomb had been from the bow and arrow. The launch of [[w:Sputnik|Sputnik]]—the first artificial earth [[satellite]]—in 1957 showed that the Soviets now possessed a missile of sufficient range to land a nuclear warhead on the United States within thirty minutes. For the first time, [[Americas|continental America]] was vulnerable to weapons of mass destruction, creating public paranoia comparable to that which had gripped Britain in the 1930s. Both blocs in the [[Cold War]] raced to build up their nuclear arsenals. While each side sought to deter the other from outright attack or nuclear blackmail, the cost of the arms race imposed grave burdens on their economies.
** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings That Changed the World'' (2007), p. 164 

* I'm in the middle of writing a book about American disarmament. And it's kept me deeply depressed. Because in order to study disarmament, you first have to study American armament.    We've been the most irresponsible nuclear power the world has ever seen. Some people may say, &quot;but we've only used nuclear weapons once.&quot; But that's not true. You don't just use nuclear weapons by dropping them. When you realize how many times we've put them on the table and considered using them, it's incredible...
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* It's ironic that the... the one [[President of the United States|President]] the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] love to hate more than [[George W. Bush]] -- [[Ronald Reagan|Ronald Wilson Reagan]] -- was actually the most responsible President we've had regarding nuclear weapons since [[Eisenhower]].  He sat down with [[Mikhail Gorbachev|Gorbachev]] and we got incredibly close to eliminating all nuclear weapons. We got rid of two classes of nuclear weapons and were moving in the direction of greater [[w:arms reduction|arms reduction]] &lt;br&gt; In terms of sheer numbers our nuclear arsenal kept growing. We'd eliminate one thing then make more of something else. It was a shell game.... Have we ever actually significantly reduced the number of nuclear arms with intent to permanently shrink the arsenal?  Well no, not yet. But Reagan was at least moving in that direction. He's the only president who considered going down [in number of nuclear weapons]. But we have built new classes of weapons. Nuclear weapons are now a part of our defense policy, and we even consider the use of nuclear weapons in a non-nuclear environment.
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* Nuclear weapon: an agency reserved for use by the most civilized nations for the settlement of disputes that might become troublesome if left unadjusted. Unfortunately, too many formerly uncivilized nations are becoming civilized.
**[[w:Leonard Rossiter|Leonard Rossiter]] in the ''Devil's Bedside Book''

* When India and Pakistan conducted their nuclear tests in 1998, even those of us who condemned them, balked at the hypocrisy of Western nuclear powers. Implicit in their denunciation of the tests was the notion that [[Black people|Blacks]] cannot be trusted with the Bomb. Now we are presented with the spectacle of our governments competing to confirm that belief.
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It’s not just the one million soldiers on the border who are living on hair-trigger alert. It’s all of us. That’s what nuclear bombs do. Whether they’re used or not, they violate everything that is humane. They alter the meaning of life itself.  Why do we tolerate them? Why do we tolerate these men who use nuclear weapons to blackmail the entire human race?
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It's so frightening, the [[nationalism]] in the air... It can be used to do anything. I know that '''a world in which countries are stockpiling nuclear weapons and using them in the ways that India and Pakistan and America do to oppress others and to deceive their own people is a dangerous world.'''
** [[Arundhati Roy|Arundhati Roy]],  [https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-arundhati-roy-Barsamian/ Interview with David Barsamian,  ''The Progressive'' magazine], (July 16, 2007)

* Amazing, the respect that nuclear weapons bring.
** [[Rudy Rucker]] in ''The Sex Sphere'', p. 74

== S ==
[[File:Streichholz.jpg|thumb|Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. ~ [[Carl Sagan]]]]
* Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. 
** [[Carl Sagan]], during a panel discussion in ABC News Viewpoint following the TV movie The Day After (20 Nov 1983). Misquoted as “The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.” 

* The atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by a wise God.
**[[Phyllis Schlafly]], quoted in Rosemary Chalk, &quot;Women and the National Security Debate&quot;, in ''[[w:Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists|Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]]'', August/September 1982.

*'''[[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]]''': At one point we only thought we needed 50 to 200 nuclear weapons to annihilate the [[Soviet Union]], and by the 1960's we had 32,000.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': One of the weapons in particular went through all of its arming steps to detonate, and when that weapon hit the ground, a firing signal was sent. And the only thing that prevented a full-scale detonation of a powerful hydrogen bomb in North Carolina was a single safety switch.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': During a [[fire]], solder might melt on a circuit board. It created all kinds of new [[electrical]] pathways that could completely circumvent a [[safety]] device.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

* Nuclear weapons are the most lethal machines ever invented, but the deterrence they provide is something intangible. &quot;The central objective of a deterrent weapon system… is [[psychological]],&quot; a classified Pentagon report once explained. &quot;The mission is [[persuasion]].&quot;
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In 1946, the US conducted its first postwar tests of the atomic bomb. One of these tests sought to discover the effect of a nuclear blast on a fleet of warships. The results were discouraging. Of the 88 ships moored near the point of detonation, in the Bikini atoll, only five sank. The Evaluation Of The Atomic Bomb As A Military Weapon, a top-secret report sent to [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]], concluded that &quot;ships at sea&quot; and &quot;bodies of troops&quot; were poor targets. &quot;The bomb is pre-eminently a weapon for use against human life and activities in large urban and industrial areas,&quot; the report argued. Such weapons were useful, most of all, for killing and terrorising civilians. According to the report, some of the best targets were &quot;[[cities]] of especial [[sentimental]] significance&quot;.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* [[The Pentagon]]'s official list of &quot;broken arrows&quot; – mishaps with nuclear weapons that might threaten the public – mentions 32 accidents. Yet a 1970 study by one of America's nuclear weapon laboratories, obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, stated that at least 1,200 weapons were involved in accidents between 1950 and 1968. Most of these accidents were trivial, but a number of serious ones were somehow omitted from the Pentagon's list. Moreover, the risk of accidental nuclear detonations was not fully understood by American weapon designers until the late 1960s, and it proved far greater than expected. A [[Airplane|plane]] crash, a [[fire]], a missile explosion, [[lightning]], human error, even dropping a [[weapon]] from an aircraft parked on a runway were found to be potential causes of a nuclear explosion.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In the 1960 presidential election, [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] had cynically attacked [[Richard Nixon]] from the right, claiming that the [[Ike|Ike Eisenhower]]-Nixon administration had allowed a dangerous “missile gap” to grow in the U.S.S.R.’s favor. But in fact, just as Eisenhower and Nixon had suggested—and just as the classified briefings that Kennedy received as a presidential candidate indicated—the missile gap, and the nuclear balance generally, was overwhelmingly to America’s advantage. At the time of the missile crisis, the Soviets had 36 [[w:Intercontinental_ballistic_missiles|intercontinental ballistic missiles]] (ICBMs), 138 [[w:strategic_bombers|long-range bombers]] with 392 nuclear warheads, and 72 [[w:Submarine-launched_ballistic-missile_warheads|submarine-launched ballistic-missile warheads]] (SLBMs). [[Soviet Armed Forces|These forces]] were arrayed against a vastly more powerful U.S. nuclear arsenal of 203 ICBMs, 1,306 long-range bombers with 3,104 nuclear warheads, and 144 SLBMs—all told, about nine times as many nuclear weapons as the U.S.S.R. [[Nikita Khrushchev]] was acutely aware of America’s huge advantage not just in the number of weapons but in their quality and deployment as well.
** Benjamin Schwarz, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/01/the-real-cuban-missile-crisis/309190/ “The Real Cuban Missile Crisis”], ''The Atlantic'', January/February 2013.

* To my knowledge there are no written accounts of Fermi’s contributions to the [first atomic bomb] testing problems, nor would it be easy to reconstruct them in detail. This, however, was one of those occasions in which Fermi’s dominion over all physics, one of his most startling characteristics, came into its own. The problems involved in the Trinity test ranged from hydrodynamics to nuclear physics, from optics to thermodynamics, from geophysics to nuclear chemistry. Often they were closely interrelated, and to solve one’it was necessary to understand all the others. Even though the purpose was grim and terrifying, it was one of the greatest physics experiments of all time. Fermi completely immersed himself in the task. At the time of the test he was one of the very few persons (or perhaps the only one) who understood all the technical ramifications. 
** {{w|Emilio Segrè}} in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 145 

* The most striking impression was that of an overwhelming bright light. I had seen under similar conditions the explosion of a large amount—100 tons—of normal explosives in the April test, and I was flabbergasted by the new spectacle. We saw the whole [[sky]] flash with unbelievable brightness in spite of the very dark glasses we wore. Our eyes were accommodated to darkness, and thus even if the sudden light had been only normal daylight it would have appeared to us much brighter than usual, but we know from measurements that the flash of the bomb was many times brighter than the sun. In a fraction of a second, at our distance, one received enough light to produce a sunburn. I was near Fermi at the time of the explosion, but I do not remember what we said, if anything. I believe that for a moment I thought the explosion might set fire to the atmosphere and thus finish the earth, even though I knew that this was not possible. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147.

* [After the flash of the atomic bomb test explosion] [[Enrico Fermi|Fermi]] got up and dropped small pieces of paper … a simple experiment to measure the energy liberated by the explosion … [W]hen the front of the shock wave arrived (some seconds after the flash) the pieces of paper were displaced a few centimeters in the direction of propagation of the shock wave. From the distance of the source and from the displacement of the [[air]] due to the shock wave, he could calculate the energy of the explosion. This Fermi had done in advance having prepared himself a table of numbers, so that he could tell immediately the energy liberated from this crude but simple measurement. … It is also typical that his answer closely approximated that of the elaborate official measurements. The latter, however, were available only after several days’ study of the records, whereas Fermi had his within seconds. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147-148. 

* In an enterprise such as the building of the atomic bomb the difference between ideas, hopes, suggestions and theoretical calculations, and solid numbers based on measurement, is paramount. All the committees, the politicking and the plans would have come to naught if a few unpredictable nuclear cross sections had been different from what they are by a factor of two. 
** Emilio Segrè, ''Epigraph in Richard Rhodes, The Making of the Atomic Bomb'' (1986), 8. 

* If some nuclear properties of the [[w:Heavy_elements|heavy elements]] had been a little different from what they turned out to be, it might have been impossible to build a bomb. 
** {{W|Emilio Segrè}}, ''In Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 149.

* On the morning of Sept. 14, 1954, in the [[w:Ural Mountains|Ural Mountains]] about 600 miles southeast of [[Moscow]], the [[Soviet Armed Forces|Soviet military]] exploded an atomic bomb in the air near 45,000 [[Red Army]] troops and thousands of civilians as part of a military exercise. &lt;br&gt; How many people were killed or maimed or became ill as a result of the exercise may never be known. But a film of the test recently obtained from secret Soviet military archives sheds new light on the often reckless nuclear testing during the [[cold war]] and the use of people as guinea pigs, nuclear specialists say.
** Marlise Simons, [https://www.nytimes.com/1993/11/07/world/soviet-atom-test-used-thousands-as-guinea-pigs-archives-show.html &quot;Soviet Atom Test Used Thousands As Guinea Pigs, Archives Show&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (Nov. 7, 1993).

* There was a lot of protest after [[w:Castle Bravo|Bravo]], from countries like India, for example. India was the first country which came forward and proposed at the United Nations that all of these nuclear tests should be stopped, that there should be a complete ban on nuclear testing.
** Martha Smith, historian, in [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/filmmore/reference/interview/marthasmith01.html &quot;Martha Smith on: The Impact of the Bravo Test&quot;] a PBS interview for ''Race for the Superbomb'' on ''American Experience''

* [[w:Submarine|Submarine]] building proceeded at a furious pace in the early 1960s, as the United States strove to deploy a major component of its Strategic Triad. From 1960 to 1966 the [[U.S. Navy]] launched a total of 41 SSBNs, called the &quot;41 for Freedom.&quot; All were named for eminent figures in American history and divided among the 5-ship George Washingtonclass, the 5-ship Ethan Allen class, and the 31-ship Lafayette/Franklin class.Initially, each boat carried 16 [[w:Polaris missiles|Polaris nuclear missiles]] that could be launched underwater toward distant targets.
** ''Smithsonian'', [https://americanhistory.si.edu/subs/const/anatomy/boomers/index.html &quot;Boomers&quot;], ''American History''.

* The dropping of the Atomic Bomb is a very deep problem... Instead of commemorating Hiroshima we should celebrate... man's triumph over the problem [of transmutation], and not its first misuse by politicians and military authorities. 
** [[Frederick Soddy]] address to New Europe Group meeting on the third anniversary of the Hiroshima bomb. Quoted in New Europe Group, In Commemoration of Professor Frederick Soddy (1956), 6-7. 

* They asked me what I thought of the atomic bomb. I said I had not been able to take any interest in it.
**[[Gertrude Stein]], [http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stein-atom-bomb.html &quot;Reflection on the Atomic Bomb&quot;] (1946).

* [The surplus of basic knowledge of the atomic nucleus was] largely used up [during the war with the atomic bomb as the dividend.] We must, without further delay restore this surplus in preparation for the important peacetime job for the nucleus - power production. ... Many of the proposed applications of atomic power - even for interplanetary rockets - seem to be within the realm of possibility provided the economic factor is ruled out completely, and the doubtful physical and chemical factors are weighted heavily on the optimistic side. ... The development of economic atomic power is not a simple extrapolation of knowledge gained during the bomb work. It is a new and difficult project to reach a satisfactory answer. Needless to say, it is vital that the atomic policy legislation now being considered by the congress recognizes the essential nature of this peacetime job, and that it not only permits but encourages the cooperative research-engineering effort of industrial, government and university laboratories for the task &lt;br&gt; We must learn how to generate the still higher energy particles of the cosmic rays - up to 1,000,000,000 volts, for they will unlock new domains in the nucleus. 
** {{w|C. Guy Suits}} Addressing the American Institute of Electrical Engineering, in New York (24 Jan 1946). In ''Schenectady Gazette'' (25 Jan 1946)

== T ==
* Knowing he [Bob Serber] was going to the [first atom bomb] test, I asked him how he planned to deal with the danger of rattlesnakes. He said, 'I'll take along a bottle of [[whiskey]].' … I ended by asking, 'What would you do about those possibilities [of what unknown phenomena might cause a nuclear explosion to propagate in the atmosphere]?' Bob replied, 'Take a second bottle of whiskey.' 
** [[Edward Teller]] with Judith L. Shoolery, Memoirs: A Twentieth-Century Journey in Science and Politics (2001), 211.

* The fact is that nuclear weapons have prevented not only nuclear war but conventional war in Europe for forty years.
** [[Margaret Thatcher]], Speech at Lord mayor's Banquet 1986. Quoted in ''One of Us:A Biography of Margaret Thatcher'' by Hugo Young, Macmillan, 1989 (p. 480).

* The greatest [[man]]-made [[threat]] to [[U.S.]] [[survival]] is nuclear weapons.  [[Russia]] already has the capacity to obliterate our [[civilization]], and [[China]] soon could.  As the number of nuclear powers increases, the prospects for preserving a stable deterrence regime diminishes.  However, the U.S. only spent 1-2% of its defense budget on missile defenses during the period from 2003-2014, about $92 billion in then-year dollars.  If the $1.7 trillion wasted on [[Iraq War|Iraq]] had instead been used to develop and deploy a comprehensive [[w:missile defense system|missile defense system]], the U.S. today would be on the verge of being able to defeat all but the biggest nuclear attacks before warheads could reach the American homeland.
** Loren Thompson , [https://www.forbes.com/sites/lorenthompson/2014/06/27/iraq-opportunity-costs-what-america-could-have-had-if-it-never-invaded/#54c96dbd773a “Iraq Opportunity Costs: What America Could Have Had If It Never Invaded”], ''Forbes'', (Jun 27, 2014).

* '''The news today about &quot;[[Atomic bombs]]&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes''': calmly plotting the destruction of the [[world]]! Such explosives in men's hands, while their [[moral]] and [[intellectual]] status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you [[hope]] &quot;this will ensure [[peace]]&quot;. But one good thing may arise out of it, I suppose, if the write-ups are not overheated: [[Japan]] ought to cave in. Well we're in [[God]]'s hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J. R. R. Tolkien]], from a letter to his son [[w:Christopher Tolkien|Christopher Tolkien]] (9 August, 1945) in ''[[w:The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien|The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien]]'' (1981) 

* Sixteen hours ago an American airplane dropped one bomb on Hiroshima, an important [[Imperial Japanese Army|Japanese Army]] base. That bomb had more power than 20,000 tons of TNT....&lt;br&gt;With this bomb we have now added a new and revolutionary increase in destruction to supplement the growing power of our armed forces...&lt;p&gt;It is an atomic bomb. It is a harnessing of the basic power of the universe. The force from which the sun draws its power has been loosed against those who brought war to the Far East....&lt;br&gt;Having found the bomb we have used it. We have used it against those who attacked us without warning at Pearl Harbor, against those who have starved and beaten and executed American prisoners of war, against those who have abandoned all pretense of obeying international laws of warfare. We have used it in order to shorten the agony of war, in order to save the lives of thousands and thousands of young Americans.&lt;br&gt;We shall continue to use it until we completely destroy Japan’s power to make war. Only a Japanese surrender will stop us.
** [[Harry Truman]], radio address to the American people, following the bombing of Hiroshima, Japan (August 6 1945).

* I am not sure it can ever be used... I don't think we ought to use this thing unless we absolutely have to. It is a terrible thing to order the use of something that is so terribly destructive, destructive beyond anything we have ever had. You have got to understand that this isn’t a military weapon. It is used to wipe out women and children and unarmed people, and not for military uses. So we have got to treat this differently from rifles and cannon and ordinary things like that.
**[[Harry Truman]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=7UXSMj3OF4oC&amp;pg=PA344&amp;lpg=PA344&amp;dq=%22It+is+used+to+wipe+out+women+and+children+and+unarmed+people,+and+not+for+military+uses.+So+we+have+got+to+treat+this+differently+from+rifles+and+cannon+and+ordinary+things+like+that.%E2%80%9D&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=xoePU9q9JU&amp;sig=Lxl_x7toU7Y3oD_zKKSZQ2zD29k&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCgQ6AEwA2oVChMIw7D1wb6dxwIVSjI-Ch3ibAd2#v=onepage&amp;q=%22It%20is%20used%20to%20wipe%20out%20women%20and%20children%20and%20unarmed%20people%2C%20and%20not%20for%20military%20uses.%20So%20we%20have%20got%20to%20treat%20this%20differently%20from%20rifles%20and%20cannon%20and%20ordinary%20things%20like%20that.%E2%80%9D&amp;f=false ''Harry S. Truman: A Life''], by Robert H. Ferrell, p. 344

* The atom bomb was no “great decision.” It was used in the war, and for your information, there were more people killed by fire bombs in [[Tokyo]] than dropping of the atomic bombs accounted for. It was merely another powerful weapon in the arsenal of righteousness. The dropping of the bombs stopped the war, save millions of lives. 
** [[Harry Truman]] in reply to a question at a symposium, Columbia University, NYC (28 April 1959). In Truman Speaks (1960), 67. 

* The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not [[global warming]].
** [[Donald Trump]], first presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (26 September 2016)

==V==
* With the end of the [[Second World War]], the [[Soviet Union]] was now high on the list of tyrannical enemies of democracy, and [[American]] nuclear weapons development and strategic theory were fashioned with that enemy foremost in mind. [[Robert Oppenheimer|Oppenheimer]]’s sympathy for [[Communism]], his enthusiasm for [[world government]] as the ultimate arbiter of nuclear technology, and his qualms about the proposed second generation of nuclear weapons, played a critical role in the history of the [[Cold War]] and in the precipitous course of his subsequent career. Already, in the fall of 1945, when [[Edward Teller]] was pressing for immediate development of the hydrogen bomb (the “Super,” as it was called), Oppenheimer responded coldly and tersely: “I neither can nor will do so.” Oppenheimer regarded the Super as a [[genocidal]] weapon: its only conceivable purpose would be the destruction of civilian populations by the millions — and ideally in the tens or hundreds of millions. The sole end of war with H-bombs would be annihilation. The peace that such a war would bring would be that of the mass grave; and if there were any survivors, they would likely prefer to have been among the dead. [[Civilization]] would have to be reconstituted from radioactive ash. &lt;br&gt; And yet the undeniable perfidy of the [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] Soviet Union convinced even Oppenheimer that the Atomic Energy Commission (AEC), created to oversee the use of atoms for peace, would be above all the instrument of war. In 1947, Oppenheimer declared that the agency’s main job was to “provide atomic weapons and good atomic weapons and many atomic weapons.” And Oppenheimer wanted to be the moving force in this work, despite his ever-deepening moral qualms. &lt;br&gt; But Oppenheimer was never of one mind for long. The Soviets’ test of an atomic bomb in 1949 propelled him back to the internationalist position he had taken just after the war, believing that a single world organization should govern the nuclear policies of every individual nation. While Edward Teller insisted that the Super was needed now more than ever, Oppenheimer huffed, “Keep your shirt on.” He joined Enrico Fermi and other eminent physicists in lobbying [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]’s former vice-president [[Henry A. Wallace|Henry Wallace]] to stop H-bomb development, “primarily because we should prefer defeat in war to victory obtained at the expense of the enormous human disaster that would be caused by its determined use.” To possess a weapon of incalculable potency — some theoreticians feared it could ignite the atmosphere in an explosive chain reaction and destroy the earth — would pose graver dangers than not to have one at all.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* While Oppenheimer was making the case for tactical nuclear weapons, useful on the battlefield, the Strategic Air Command’s war plan emphasized a massive and decisive nuclear first strike in the event of a conventional Soviet attack on [[Western Europe]]. According to Bird and Sherwin, the H-bomb advocates were so obsessed with the threat of Communism that they believed “Oppenheimer’s championing of tactical nuclear weapons was a ploy to block the Super Bomb.” Teller went so far as to spread the word that in trying to block the H-bomb Oppenheimer was acting on “direct orders from Moscow.” Teller may have been out of control, the Strategic Air Command may have been defending its turf, and Strauss may have been seeking personal revenge against Oppenheimer, but all the same, the gravest matters were at stake. The Soviet Union was a real threat that needed to be confronted with [[sobriety]]; seeing the defenders of the H-bomb as [[fanatics]] and [[conspiracy theorists]] foolishly belittles the [[existential]] [[challenge]] America was then just beginning to face.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* [[Machiavelli]], so widely considered the founding father of modern political morality, or immorality, understood prudence, or the ability to choose among possible courses of action, as the sine qua non of the conqueror. But in the atomic age, the foremost aim of prudence among more or less decent nations is no longer to conquer but to avoid annihilation, while also avoiding the evil of annihilating the enemy — i.e., nuclear genocide. In October 1949, the General Advisory Committee to the AEC recommended that “a super bomb should never be produced” — that it “might become a weapon of genocide.” Oppenheimer was one of the signatories. To assume that the Soviet enemy would share this American scrupulousness was the committee’s fallacy; and to make such an assumption of [[Stalin]] was the depth of folly.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

== W ==
* The only use for an atomic bomb is to keep somebody else from using one. It can give us no protection—only the doubtful satisfaction of retaliation...&lt;p&gt;Nuclear weapons offer us nothing but a balance of terror, and a balance of terror is still terror. 
** {{W|George Wald}}, from speech given at an anti-war teach-in at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, (4 Mar 1969) 'A Generation in Search of a Future', as edited by Ron Dorfman for Chicago Journalism Review, (May 1969). 

* I used to worry about the fact that [General Power] had control over so many weapons and weapon systems and could, under certain conditions, launch the force. Back in the days before we had real positive control [i.e., PAL locks], SAC had the power to do a lot of things, and it was in his hands, and he knew it.
** [[w:Horace M. Wade|Horace M. Wade]], qtd. in Peter D. Feaver: ''Armed Servants: Agency, Oversight, and Civil-Military Relations''. Harvard University Press, Cambridge 2005, ISBN 978-0-674-01761-0, S. 151.

* The only absolute defence against nuclear weapons is to do away with them.
** [[w:Francis Wheen|Francis Wheen]], &quot;Dr. Stranglove, I Presume&quot;, ''The Guardian'', 12th April 2000.

* When [[A. J. P. Taylor]], having described with lurid relish the effect of a nuclear explosion, asked &quot;Is there anyone here who would want to do this to another human being?&quot; there was a complete hush until he yelled, to thunderous applause, &quot;''Then why are we making the damned things?''&quot;
** [[w:David Widgery|David Widgery]], on Taylor's speech at a February 1958 [[w:Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament|CND]] meeting. In &quot;Don't You Hear the H-Bomb's Thunder?&quot; in David Widgery, ''The Left in Britain'', 1976, (p.101).

*'''Nuclear weapons are a symptom of conflict, fear, insecurity, and a drive to dominate.''' Denuclearization will follow more naturally and easily with decreased tensions and improved relationships.  Sanctions are a form of economic warfare with a high rate of failure. Punitive, coercive policies do not always achieve the best outcomes. Sanctions harm innocent people, escalate conflicts and can put us on a path to war. They can provoke targeted populations to rally round the flag, support hardliners and inflame resentment against America.  We can achieve superior outcomes with clear-eyed respect and steps towards thawing the ice.
**[[Marianne Williamson]] in [https://www.cfr.org/article/marianne-williamson Candidates Answer CFR's QuestionsMarianne Williamso''Council on Foreign Relations''], August 16, 2019

==Y==
[[File:342-usaf-11034_Medical_Aspects-Hiroshima.webm|thumb|Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. ~ Hidehiko Yuzaki]]
* Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. Moreover, nuclear disarmament continues to stagnate, further exacerbating global tensions.
** Hidehiko Yuzaki as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

=== Zeeya Merali, [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/did-chinas-nuclear-tests/ “Did China's Nuclear Tests Kill Thousands and Doom Future Generations?”], ''Scientific American'', (July 1, 2009). ===
* Enver Tohti remembers the week that it rained [[dust]]. That summer of 1973 he was in elementary school in [[w:Xinjiang Province|Xinjiang Province]], China’s westernmost region, which is inhabited mostly by [[Uyghurs|Uygurs]], one of the country’s minority ethnic groups. “There were three days that earth fell from the sky, without wind or any sort of [[storm]]. The sky was deadly silent—no [[sun]], no [[moon]],” he recalls. When the kids asked what was happening, the teacher told them that there was a storm on [[Saturn]] (its [[Chinese language|Chinese]] name translates into “soil planet”). Tohti believed her. It was only years later that he realized it was radioactive dust raised by the test detonation of a nuclear bomb within the province.
* A few hundred thousand people may have died as a result of radiation from at least 40 nuclear explosions carried out between 1964 and 1996 at the [[w:Lop Nur|Lop Nur]] site in Xinjiang, which lies on the [[w:Silk_Road|Silk Road]]. Almost 20 million people reside in Xinjiang, and Tohti believes that they offer unique insight into the long-term impact of radiation, including the relatively little studied genetic effects that may be handed down over generations. 
* The figures came as little surprise to Tohti. Ironically, as a teenager, he was proud that his province was chosen for tests marking China’s technological and [[People's Liberation Army|military]] progress. His view changed when he became a physician and saw a disproportionate number of malignant [[lymphomas]], [[lung cancers]], [[leukemia]] cases, degenerative disorders and babies born with deformities. “Many doctors suspected this was connected to the tests, but we couldn’t say anything,” Tohti recalls. “We were warned away from researching by our superiors.”
* The Lop Nur project is just the tip of an international iceberg, remarks Abel Gonzalez of the Argentine Nuclear Regulatory Authority in Buenos Aires. Radiation researchers have had easy access to only three sites where nuclear blasts occurred—the U.S.’s site Bikini Atoll, the [[Soviet Union]]’s [[w:Semipalatinsk|Semipalatinsk]] site in [[Kazakhstan]] and [[France]]’s site in [[Polynesia]]—and these areas represent just a small fraction of the approximately 500 atmospheric tests the world has seen. “We have a moral responsibility to investigate all nuclear test sites,” Gonzalez says. Certainly for the Xinjiang people affected by the Lop Nur tests, truer words have never been spoken.
* Does repeated exposure to radiation affect [[w:germ-line|germ-line]] cells such that the same [[mutations]] get passed on, generation after generation? That is one question the Lop Nur project hopes to answer. The other two major instances of a large population exposure to radiation—the atomic bombs dropped over Hiroshima and Nagasaki—have produced no generational effects in survivors, points out Roy Shore, chief of research at the Radiation Effects Research Foundation in Hiroshima. But he adds that the exposure patterns vary. “The atomic bomb was an almost instantaneous exposure,” Shore explains. “We still need good data on radiation that has been delivered time and time again, over a long period—there may be different effects.”

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Pal_controller.jpg|thumb|200px|'''Colonel Campbell''': [S]ince the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections. ~ [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima]]
*'''[[w:Solid Snake|Snake]]''': Do they really have the ability to launch a nuclear missile?
:'''Campbell''': They say they do. They even gave us the serial number of the warhead they plan to use.
:'''Snake''': Was the number confirmed?
:'''Campbell''': I'm afraid so. At the very least, they've got their hands on a real nuclear warhead.
:'''Snake''': Isn't there some kind of [[safety]] device to prevent this kind of [[terrorism]]?
:'''Campbell''': Yes. Every missile and warhead in our arsenal is equipped with a PAL, which uses a discreet detonation code.
:'''Snake''': PAL?
:'''Campbell''': [[w:Permissive Action Link|Permissive Action Link]]. A safety control system built into all  nuclear weapons systems. But even so, we can't rest easy.
:'''Snake''': Why not?
:'''Campbell''': Because the [[w:DARPA|DARPA]] Chief knows the detonation code.
:'''Snake''': But even if they have a nuclear warhead, it must've been removed from its missile. All the missiles on these disposal sites are supposed to be dismantled. It's not that easy to get your hands on an ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missle).
:'''Campbell''': That used to be true, but since the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections.
:* [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima, ''[[Metal Gear Solid]]''. (1998).

== See also ==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
* [[Military-industrial complex|Military Industrial Complex]] 
* [[NATO]]
* [[Nuclear war]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons|Nuclear weapons}}

[[Category:Weapons of mass destruction]]
[[Category:Nuclear|weapons]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons| ]]</text>
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      <text bytes="148320" sha1="cdttxtryeqpzcbv9kj8igrolzexd2bn" xml:space="preserve">[[File:JFK_inspects_Mercury_capsule,_23_February_1962.jpg|thumb|Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]]
[[File:Iran Talks Vienna 14 July 2015 (19067069963).jpg|thumb|Open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9/11. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Detonation_T%26B.jpg|thumb|I am become death, The Shatterer of Worlds. ~ [[Bhagavad Gita]]]]
[[File:Hiroshima_aftermath.jpg|thumb|A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well. ~ [[George F. Kennan]]]]
[[File:MK6_TITAN_II.jpg|thumb|The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance... the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind. ~ [[Herbert George Wells]]]]
[[File:Little boy.jpg|thumb|They have things like the atom bomb, so I'll think I'll stay where I am. Civilization? I'll stay right here! ~ [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]]]]
[[File:Gorbachev 2019 (cropped).jpg|thumb|...the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet. [[Mikhail Gorbachev]]]]
[[File:AtomicTestingMuseumB53nuclearbomb.jpg|thumb|200px|If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Bravo_fallout2.png|thumb|...the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations. ~ [[Robert McNamara]]]]
[[File:Trinity_Test_-_Lead_lined_Sherman_tank.jpg|thumb|We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man. [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:Fat_Man_Assembly_Tinian_1945.jpg|thumb|200px|It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. ~ [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]]]
[[File:SS-24_silo_destruction.jpg|thumb| Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.)  ~ Uri Friedman]]

'''[[w:Nuclear weapons|Nuclear weapons]]''' are explosive devices that derive their destructive force from [[w:nuclear reactions|nuclear reactions]], either [[w:Nuclear fission|fission]] or a combination of fission and [[w:Nuclear fusion|fusion]]. Both reactions release vast quantities of energy from relatively small amounts of matter.

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== A ==
* [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] seeks to wage war against [[Iraq]] and [[Iran]] because they strive to obtain weapons of mass destruction. However, he does not see the weapons being stockpiled in the [[Israel|Israeli]] arsenal... He also does not see [the WMD] in [[China|Chinese]], [[Russia|Russian]], and [[India|Indian]] arsenals... 
** Abd Al-Bari 'Atwan, ''A Rash and Vulgar President'', Al-Quds Al-Arabi (February 1, 2002)

* Man has mounted [[science]], and is now run away with. I firmly believe that before many centuries more, science will be the master of men. The engines he will have invented will be beyond his strength to control. '''Someday science may have the existence of mankind in its power, and the human race commit suicide, by blowing up the world.'''
** [[Henry Adams]], ''Letter to Charles Francis Adams Jr.'', London, 11 April 1862. In J. C. Levenson, E. Samuels, C. Vandersee and V. Hopkins Winner (eds.), ''The Letters of Henry Adams: 1858-1868'' (1982), 1: 290.

* What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves.
** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), &quot;Introduction: Thinkability&quot;.

* They have things like the atom bomb! So, I'll think I'll stay where I ''am''. [[Civilization]]? I'll stay right here!
** [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] and [[Danny Kaye]], [http://www.songlyrics.com/the-andrews-sisters/civilization-bongo-bongo-bongo-lyrics/ &quot;Civilization (Bongo, Bongo, Bongo)&quot;] (1947), Decca

* The idea that every nation ought to have an atomic bomb, like every [[Women|woman]] of [[fashion]] ought to have a mink coat, is deplorable.
** [[Clement Attlee]], cited in S. Beer, ''Modern British Politics'',(Faber and Faber, 1965) and Stuart Thompson,''The Dictionary of Labour Quotations'', Biteback Publishing, (2013). 

* The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] Administration must move more quickly to plan for a future in which nuclear weapons are likely to play a greater role in national defense. Hard as it may be to accept, [[Dr. Strangelove]] is back.
** [[w:Michael Auslin|Michael Auslin]] [http://www.forbes.com/sites/realspin/2014/02/27/the-dangerous-degradation-of-the-u-s-nuclear-arsenal/ &quot;The Dangerous Degradation Of The U.S. Nuclear Arsenal&quot;] ''Forbes'' (February 27, 2014).

== B ==
* Now we're all sons-of-bitches.
** {{W|Kenneth Bainbridge}} remark to [[Robert Oppenheimer]] immediately after the first atom bomb test explosion at Alamogordo as quoted in Lansing Lamont, ''Day of Trinity'' (1966), p. 242. 

* On May 28, 1998, [[Pakistan]] conducted five simultaneous underground nuclear test at Ras Koh Hills in the Chagai District of Balochistan against the Baloch citizen's will and mandate, a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]] and against all [[International law|international laws]].
** Balochistan National Congress, as qtd. in [https://www.vietnamtribune.com/news/257370168/baloch-activists-condemn-pak-1998-nuclear-tests &quot;Baloch activists condemn Pak's 1998 nuclear tests&quot;], ANI, ''Vietnam Tribune'', (29 May 2018).

* Pakistan began building [[Pakistan and weapons of mass destruction|nuclear weapons]] in the early [[1970s]], when India became the sole nuclear power in [[South Asia]]. Prime Minister [[Zulfikar Ali Bhutto|Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto]], in power in Pakistan at the time,  famously said ”Ham ghaas kahe ge, mager bomb banahe ge” — “We will eat [[grass]] later, but we will make a bomb.” &lt;br&gt; Shortly before the 1998 tests, the Pakistani government announced that it had chosen a deserted area in Chagai district to conduct them. But in his 2014 Master’s thesis, titled “Impacts of Nuclear Tests on Chagai,” Abdul Raziq reveals that the area was actually a village and was not deserted. He writes that the blasts took place on one mountain in the [[w:Ras Koh|Ras Koh]] mountain range (Koh-E-Kamran), in the village of Chehtar in Chagai district. While the government claimed that there were “only ten households near to the site, who were shifted to a safer place,” Raziq reports that there were many households near the site, and that even if the tests were conducted one kilometer from the ten households the government says were moved, it would not have kept them safe. “Four thousand people were affected from the blasts,” he writes. “Even the government did not facilitate the people who were displaced and dislocated.”
** Shah Meer Baloch, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/05/the-fallout-from-pakistans-nuclear-tests/ &quot;The Fallout From Pakistan's Nuclear Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat'', (May 29, 2017).

* Countries keep most details of their nuclear weapons secret, but it is known that nine countries own the estimated more than 9,000 nuclear weapons that are in military service. These are either deployed - mounted on land or sea missiles and kept at air bases - or in storage. About 1800 are on high alert and could be fired with little warning. &lt;br&gt; The US and Russia own the vast majority of the world's nuclear weapons. &lt;br&gt; Including retired warheads waiting to be dismantled, the total is said to be almost 15,000, according to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (Sipri). This is a marked decline since the [[1980s]] when the figure peaked at around 70,000.
** ''BBC News'', [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-42873633 “Reality Check: Where are the world's nuclear weapons?”], Reality Check, (2 February 2018).

* People in several Chinese border cities reported feeling the tremors from the seismic activity at the time of the test.&lt;br /&gt;School children ran out into the open in the city of Yanji, which is 10km (6.25 miles) from the border, when they felt the shaking, ''[[w:Global Times|Global Times]]'' reported.&lt;br /&gt;Very close to the site is Punngye-ri village and about 80km away is the North Korean city of Chongjin, but it is not known if these towns were evacuated or warned in any way.
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-41144315 &quot;Punggye-ri: What we know about North Korea's nuclear test site&quot;] ''BBC News'' (29 April 2018).

* As the Director of the Theoretical Division of Los Alamos, I participated at the most senior level in the [[World War II]] [[Manhattan Project]] that produced the first atomic weapons.&lt;br /&gt;Now, at age 88, I am one of the few remaining such senior persons alive. Looking back at the half century since that time, I feel the most intense relief that these weapons have not been used [[Aftermath of World War II|since World War II]], mixed with the horror that tens of thousands of such weapons have been built since that time—one hundred times more than any of us at Los Alamos could ever have imagined.&lt;br /&gt;Today we are rightly in an era of [[disarmament]] and [[Arms control|dismantlement of nuclear weapons]]. But in some countries nuclear weapons development still continues. Whether and when the various Nations of the World can agree to stop this is uncertain. But individual scientists can still influence this process by withholding their skills. &lt;br&gt; Accordingly, I call on all [[scientists]] in all countries to cease and desist from work creating, developing, improving and manufacturing further nuclear weapons - and, for that matter, other weapons of potential mass destruction such as chemical and biological weapons.
** {{w|Hans Albrecht Bethe}} On the 50th anniversary of Hiroshima in letter, ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Nov 1995), 51:6, p. 3.

* There are clear and predictable consequences for the world if human beings continue to rape the earth and plunder its resources; to exploit, oppress, and dominate the weak and the poor for the sake of greed and the hunger for power; to depend on ever-rising levels of violence and ever more lethal instruments of death and destruction in order to secure positions of power and privilege.
** [[Allan Boesak]], ''Comfort and Protest'' (1987), pp. 65-66

* The House should express its opposition to the escalation of the nuclear [[w:arms race|arms race]] by any [[nation]] and, in particular, its opposition to [[Canada]]'s participation by testing in Canada any [[nuclear weapon]] or nuclear weapon delivery vehicle such as, and including, the [[w:Cruise missile|cruise missile]]. 
** Edward Broadbent, Canadian House of Commons speech, (July 1, 1983); as qtd in John Clearwater, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Just_Dummies.html?id=x1dL_4n8QcYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;&quot;Just Dummies&quot;: Cruise Missile Testing in Canada&quot;], (2005), p.52.

* We will be making a sufficient but necessary contribution if we simply jar the prevalent complacency on the doctrine of shoot-from-the-hip-and-empty-the-magazine.
** [[Bernard Brodie]], remarking on the prevalent 1950's strategy of massive retaliation, colloquially know as the [[w:SIOP|'Sunday Punch']]. (Cited from a semi-classified [[w:Rand Corporation|RAND]] document, ''Must We shoot From the Hip?'')

* We may as well admit that the strictly tactical problem of destroying Manhattan is already absurdly easy, and time promises to make it no less easy. That is only to say that its protection, if it can be protected, is henceforward a strategic and political problem rather than a tactical one.
** [[Bernard Brodie]] , &quot;Strategy in the Missile Age&quot; (1959), [http://www.rand.org/pubs/commercial_books/CB137-1.html]

* On the eve of the [[Arab-Israeli conflict|Arab-Israeli war]], 50 years ago this week, Israeli officials raced to assemble an atomic device and developed a plan to detonate it atop a mountain in the [[w:Sinai_Peninsula|Sinai Peninsula]] as a warning to [[Egypt|Egyptian]] and other [[Arabs|Arab]] forces, according to an interview with a key organizer of the effort that will be published Monday. &lt;br&gt; The secret contingency plan, called a “doomsday operation” by Itzhak Yaakov, the retired brigadier general who described it in the interview, would have been invoked if Israel feared it was going to lose the 1967 conflict. The demonstration blast, Israeli officials believed, would intimidate Egypt and surrounding Arab states — [[Syria]], [[Iraq]] and [[Jordan]] — into backing off. &lt;br&gt; Israel won the war so quickly that the atomic device was never moved to Sinai. But Mr. Yaakov’s account, which sheds new light on a clash that shaped the contours of the modern [[Middle East]] conflict, reveals Israel’s early consideration of how it might use its nuclear arsenal to preserve itself. &lt;br&gt; “It’s the last secret of the [[w:Six-Day_War|1967 war]],” said Avner Cohen, a leading scholar of Israel’s nuclear history who conducted many interviews with the retired general.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* If the Israeli leadership had detonated the atomic device, it would have been the first nuclear explosion used for military purposes since the [[United States]]’ [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki]] 22 years earlier. &lt;br&gt; The plan had a precedent: The United States considered the same thing during the Manhattan Project, as the program’s scientists hotly debatedwhether to set off a blast near [[Japan during World War II|Japan]] in an effort to scare [[Hirohito|Emperor Hirohito]] into a quick surrender. The military vetoed the idea, convinced that it would not be enough to end the war.
** Broad, William J.; Sanger, David E, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/world/middleeast/1967-arab-israeli-war-nuclear-warning.html &quot;'Last Secret' of 1967 War: Israel's Doomsday Plan for Nuclear Display&quot;], ''New York Times'', (June 3, 2017).

* [[w:Punggye-ri|Punggye-ri]] is located in the remote, mountainous northeastern section of the country. The test site is believed to have been established in the early 2000s, and it became widely known following the North's first nuclear test in 2006. The smattering of journalists from the U.S., U.K., [[South Korea]], China and Russia took a reported 20-hour journey by train and bus from Wonsan, on [[North Korea]]'s east coast, to get to Punggye-ri for the nuclear site dismantlement. &lt;br&gt; In addition to being remote, experts say Punggye-ri is an ideal test site. &quot;From a geologic perspective, it's a really good choice,&quot; says Frank Pabian, an imagery analyst at 38 North with a long background in studying nuclear testing. Most of the test tunnels lie under Mount Mantap, a granite mountain that is perfect for containing powerful nuclear explosions.
** Geoff Brumfiel, Elise Hu, [https://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2018/05/24/613465473/north-korea-demolishes-its-nuclear-test-site-in-a-huge-explosion &quot;North Korea Demolishes Its Nuclear Test Site In A 'Huge Explosion'&quot;], (May 24, 2018).

== C ==
[[File:EMP_mechanism.png|thumb|You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again. ~ [[John Carpenter]]]]
* The American, English and French [[newspapers]] are spewing out elegant dissertations on the atomic bomb. We can sum it up in a single phrase: mechanized civilization has just achieved the last degree of savagery.
** [[Albert Camus]], ''Combat'', 8th August 1945. Quoted in ''In a Dark Time'' Nicholas Humphrey, Robert Jay Lifton, 1984, (p.27).

* In April 1946, the sleepy town of [[w:Sarov|Sarov]] with a population of 3000 (best known for its monastery), 400 km east of [[Moscow]], was converted into the super-secret atomic weapons city of [[w:Arzamas-16|Arzamas-16]] (sometimes nick-named &quot;Los Arzamas&quot;). For over 45 years Sarov disappeared from the map, to reappear under its original name of Sarov after the [[w:dissolution_of_the_Soviet_Union|collapse of the Soviet Union]]. Throughout this 45 year period it was headed by one man: Yuli Khariton, Scientific Director of Arzamas-16 from 1946 to 1992.
** Sublette, Carey. [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Russia/Sovwpnprog.html &quot;The Soviet Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], nuclearweaponarchive.org. (Retrieved 21 April 2017).

* You push that button, [[everything]] we've [[accomplished]] for the past 500 years will be finished. Our [[technology]], our way of [[life]], our entire [[history]]. We'll have to start all over again.
** [[John Carpenter]], ''[[Escape from L.A.]]'', (1996)

* May there not be methods of using explosive [[energy]] incomparably more intense than anything heretofore discovered? Might not a bomb no bigger than an [[Oranges|orange]] be found to possess a secret power to destroy a whole block of [[Building|buildings]]—nay, to concentrate the force of a thousand tons of cordite and blast a township at a stroke? Could not explosives even of the existing type be guided automatically in flying machines by [[Radio|wireless]] or other rays, without a human pilot, in ceaseless procession upon a hostile city, arsenal, camp or dockyard? 
** [[Winston Churchill]], &quot;Shall We All Commit Suicide?&quot; ''Pall Mall'' (Sep 1924). Reprinted in Thoughts and Adventures (1932), 250. 

* Be careful above all things not to let go of the atomic weapon until you are sure, and more than sure, that other means of preserving [[peace]] are in your hands.
** [[Winston Churchill]], Final Speech to US Congress, as cited in ''The War That Must Never Be Fought: Dilemmas of Nuclear Deterrence''

* The atomic bomb is the [[Second Coming]] in [[Wrath]].
** [[Winston Churchill]], on hearing about the [[w:Trinity test|Trinity test]], as recollected in Harvey H. Bundy, &quot;Remembered Words,&quot; ''The Atlantic'' (March 1957).

* It is arguable whether the [[human race]] have been gainers by the march of [[science]] beyond the [[steam engine]]. [[Electricity]] opens a field of infinite conveniences to ever greater numbers, but they may well have to pay dearly for them. But anyhow in my thought I stop short of the [[w:Internal_combustion_engine|internal combustion engine]] which has made the [[world]] so much smaller. Still more must we fear the consequences of entrusting a human race so little different from their predecessors of the so-called barbarous ages such awful agencies as the atomic bomb. Give me the [[Horses|horse]]. 
** [[Winston Churchill]], address to the [[w:Royal College of Surgeons|Royal College of Surgeons]] (10 Jul 1951). Collected in ''Stemming the Tide: Speeches 1951 and 1952'' (1953), p. 91.

* The men who dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima on 6 August 1945 were deploying [[technology]] that had taken decades to develop. Nonetheless, in carrying out that act, these US airmen did effect an almost immediate transformation in the nature of warfare and in attitudes towards it. 
** [[:w:Linda Colley|Linda Colley]]&lt;ref&gt;https://web.archive.org/web/20200110112239/https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v40/n06/linda-colley/can-history-help&lt;/ref&gt;

* On 17th July there came to us at Potsdam the eagerly-awaited news of the trial of the atomic bomb in the [[New Mexico|[New] Mexican]] [[desert]]. Success beyond all dreams crowded this sombre, magnificent venture of our American allies. The detailed reports... could leave no doubt in the minds of the very few who were informed, that we were in the presence of a new factor in human affairs, and possessed of powers which were irresistible. 
** [[Winston Churchill]] from his final review of the war and his first major speech as [[w:Leader of the Opposition|Leader of the Opposition]] in the [[w:House of Commons|House of Commons]] (16 Aug 1945). In Robert Rhodes James, ed., ''Winston S. Churchill: His Complete Speeches'', 1897-1963 (1974), Vol. 1, 7210

== D ==
* The [[w:historical record|historical record]] of [[terrorists]] pursuing nuclear and radiological capabilities is small in size, complicated by significant information gaps, and not well understood. The size of the [[w:dataset|dataset]] and the considerable unknowns about the cases where groups have sought these capabilities make it difficult to assess the nature of the danger and to anticipate new developments in the nature of the threat. However, given the potential consequences of terrorist theft of a nuclear weapon or indigenous development of a nuclear device—even one employing a crude design that produces only a small nuclear yield—poses a serious danger that the United States and other allied nations must take extraordinary measures to thwart. Developing an effective and comprehensive strategy to prevent terrorist acquisition of nuclear and radiological weapons capabilities must begin with a thorough understanding of the historical record of terrorist efforts and opportunities to acquire these capabilities.
** Sara Daly, John Parachini, William Rosenau, [https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/documented_briefings/2005/RAND_DB458.pdf “Aum Shinrikyo, Al Qaeda, and the Kinshasa Reactor Implications of Three Case Studies for Combating Nuclear Terrorism”], ''Rand Project Airforce'', (2005), p. iii.

* [[France]]'s past as a prolific nuclear weapons tester returned to haunt it today as a [[French Armed Forces|military]] report appeared to prove that [[soldiers]] had been deliberately exposed to the [[w:Radioactive_fallout|radioactive fallout]] of explosions in the [[w:Sahara|Sahara]] desert. &lt;br&gt; The [[w:Government_of_France|French government]], which carried out more than 200 tests of its nuclear weapons arsenal from 1960 to 1996, has always claimed the operations were carried out as safely as possible.
** Lizzy Davies, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/feb/16/france-soldiers-exposed-nuclear-radiation &quot;France Soldiers Exposed Nuclear Radiation&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (16 Feb 2010).

* Do not be so naive. With economic conditions the way they are in Russia today, anyone with enough money can buy a nuclear bob. It's no big deal really.
** Vladimir K. Dmitriev, as quoted in Pete Earley, [https://books.google.com/books?id=TxxynN0KTJcC &quot;Comrade J: The Untold Secrets of Russia's Master Spy in America After the End of the Cold War&quot;]

* As previous work has pointed out, the nuking of a sufficiently large [[city]] would be enough to generate a global-scale nuclear autumn. Take [[Los Angeles]], for example, a city that extends for 500 square miles. The explosion and resulting fires would send an estimated 5.5 million tons of ash and soot into the stratosphere, causing sunlight, temperatures, and rainfall to temporarily decrease around the world. Globally, this would result in diminished growing seasons for the next half-decade, and temperatures would be the lowest in a thousand years. In some parts of the world, rainfall would be down by as much as 80 percent. &lt;br&gt; But unlike this earlier work, which focused on relatively small, 15-kiloton nukes exploding over cities, the new study looked at whether today’s more powerful weapons could trigger nuclear autumn all on their own. They can. Liska and his colleagues found that the [[US]], [[Russia]], and [[China]] all have weapons that could trigger a nuclear autumn through the detonation of fewer than five bombs. 
** George Dvorsky, [https://gizmodo.com/limited-nuclear-strikes-could-still-wreak-climate-hav-1796931266 &quot;‘Limited’ Nuclear Strikes Could Still Wreak Climate Havoc&quot;], ''Gizmodo'', (7/14/17).

*now we got weapons/Of chemical dust/If fire them we’re forced to/Then fire them we must/One push of the button/And a shot the world wide/And you never ask questions/When God’s on your side /If God’s on our side/They’ll stop the next war   
**[[Bob Dylan]], With God on Our Side 1964

== E ==
* Some recent work by [[Enrico Fermi|E. Fermi]] and [[Leó Szilárd|L. Szilard]], which has been communicated to me in manuscript, leads me to expect that the element [[w:Uranium|uranium]] may be turned into [[Nuclear power|a new and important source of energy]] in the immediate future. Certain aspects of the situation seem to call for watchfulness and, if necessary, quick action on the part of the Administration...&lt;p&gt;This new phenomenon would also lead to the construction of [[bombs]], and it is conceivable—though much less certain—that extremely powerful bombs of a new type may thus be constructed. A single bomb of this type, carried by [[Boats|boat]] or exploded in a port, might very well destroy the whole port together with some of the surrounding territory. However, such bombs might very well prove to be too heavy for [[Transport|transportation]] by [[air]].
** [[Albert Einstein]], letter to President [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (August 2, 1939, delivered October 11, 1939); reported in ''Einstein on Peace'', ed. Otto Nathan and Heinz Norden (1960, reprinted 1981), pp. 294–95.

* The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
** [[Albert Einstein]], Statement on the Atomic Bomb to Raymond Swing, before 1 October 1945, as reported in ''Atlantic Monthly'', vol. 176, no. 5 (November 1945), in ''Einstein on Politics'', p. 373

* Today the atomic bomb has altered profoundly the nature of the world as we know it, and the human race consequently finds itself in a new habitat to which it must adapt its thinking.
** [[Albert Einstein]], &quot;Only Then Shall We Find Courage&quot;, ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 June 1946).

* Nuclear proliferation is on the rise. Equipment, material and training were once largely inaccessible. Today, however, there is a sophisticated worldwide network that can deliver systems for producing material usable in weapons. The demand clearly exists: countries remain interested in the illicit acquisition of weapons of mass destruction. &lt;br&gt; If we sit idly by, this trend will continue. Countries that perceive themselves to be vulnerable can be expected to try to redress that vulnerability — and in some cases they will pursue clandestine weapons programs. The supply network will grow, making it easier to acquire nuclear weapon expertise and materials. Eventually, inevitably, terrorists will gain access to such materials and technology, if not actual weapons. &lt;br&gt;If the world does not change course, we risk self-destruction.
** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], ''Saving Ourselves From Self-Destruction'' (2004), [http://www.iaea.org/NewsCenter/Statements/2004/ebNYT20040212.html Op-Ed essay] published in ''The New York Times'' (12 February 2004).

== F ==
* The modernization and expansion of nuclear arsenals in multiple countries, combined with the lack of diplomatic efforts to reduce nuclear risks, have increased the likelihood of catastrophe.  Development of hypersonic glide vehicles, ballistic missile defenses, and weapons-delivery systems that can use conventional or nuclear warheads raise the probability of miscalculation during a crisis.  By our estimation, the potential for the world to stumble into [[nuclear war]]—an ever-present danger over the last 75 years—increased in 2020.
** Steve Fetter as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

* We scientists are clever—too clever—are you not satisfied? Is four square miles in one bomb not enough? Men are still thinking. Just tell us how big you want it! 
** [[Richard P. Feynman]] as quoted in James Gleick, ''Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman'' (1992), 204.

* Although the use of lethal weaponry predates the Cold War—in [[Colonialism|Europe’s imperial wars]] and in [[World War I|World Wars I]] and II there was [[Civilian casualties|mass killing of civilians]] and warriors—the advent of the atomic bomb utterly transformed [[international relations]]. Once both sides possessed weapons capable of not only destroying the other’s territory and population but also contaminating large parts of the [[earth]], the [[Cold War]] developed into a rigid struggle driven by fear and a costly arms race. While nuclear weapons intensified several major Cold War crises, the threat of [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]] also served as a brake on the Superpowers.
** Carole C. Fink, ''The Cold War: An International History'' (2017), p. 2
* [[w:Bikini Islands|Bikini islanders]] and their [[descendants]] have lived in [[exile]] since they were moved for the first weapons tests in 1946. When [[Federal government of the United States|US government]] scientists declared Bikini safe for resettlement some residents were allowed to return in the early [[1970s]]. But they were removed again in 1978 after ingesting high levels of [[w:Radiation|radiation]] from eating foods grown on the former nuclear test site.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* US nuclear experiments in the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] ended in 1958 after 67 tests. But a [[United Nations]] report in 2012 said the effects were long-lasting. Special rapporteur Calin Georgescu, in a report to the [[United Nations Human Rights Council|UN human rights council]], said “near-irreversible [[Environmental degradation|environmental contamination]]” had led to the loss of livelihoods and many people continued to experience “indefinite displacement”.
** Agence France-Press in Majuro, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/02/bikini-atoll-nuclear-test-60-years &quot;Bikini Atoll nuclear test: 60 years later and islands still unliveable&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (1 Mar 2014).

* Only four countries in history have surrendered their nuclear weapons. And three of those countries—[[Belarus]], [[Kazakhstan]], and [[Ukraine]]—did so with nuclear arms that they inherited from the defunct [[Soviet Union]], and didn’t have the wherewithal to control and maintain. (The decision to dispose of this weaponry, in exchange for support from the United States and security assurances from Russia, is still remarkable; had Ukraine and Kazakhstan kept the arsenals on their territory, they would have become the world’s third- and fourth-largest nuclear powers, respectively.) &lt;br&gt; Only [[South Africa]] has dismantled nuclear weapons that it constructed and controlled. In this sense, it is the closest analogue to what U.S. officials have in mind when they demand the “denuclearization of the [[Korean peninsula]].”
** Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Uri Friedman''': Why did the [[South African]] government, in the mid-1970s, decide to embark on a nuclear-weapons program?
:'''F.W. de Klerk''': The main motivation was the expansionist policies of the [[Soviet Union|U.S.S.R.]] in southern Africa. They were supporting all the [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Africa|African]]] liberation movements—they were supplying weapons and training—and it was part of their vision to gain direct or indirect control over most of the countries in [[southern Africa]]. They financed the deployment of many thousands of [[Cuba|Cuban]] troops, especially to [[w:Angolan_Civil_War|Angola]], and this was interpreted as a threat first by Prime Minister [[John Vorster]], and following upon him [[P. W. Botha|P.W. Botha]]. [The nuclear arsenal] was never intended, I think, to be used. It was a deterrent. Because of [[apartheid]] South Africa was becoming more and more isolated in the eyes of the rest of the world. There wouldn’t be, in the case of Russian aggression or invasion, assistance from the international community. It was felt that, if we have nuclear weapons, and if we then would disclose in a crisis that we have [them], it would change the political scenario and the U.S.A. and other [Western] countries might step in and assist South Africa.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

*'''Friedman''': In an op-ed in 2013 in the Los Angeles Times, you wrote, “South Africa has illustrated that long-term security can be far better assured by the abrogation of nuclear weapons than by their retention.” It seems that [[Kim Jong-un|Kim Jong Un]] of North Korea has, at least according to his propaganda, learned the opposite lesson: that if you’re [&lt;nowiki/&gt;[[Libya]]’s [[Muammar Gaddafi|Muammar] Qaddafi]] or [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam [Hussein]] in Iraq] and you give up your [pursuit of] nuclear weapons, you reduce your security [and bring about your demise at the hands of the U.S. and its allies]. Or if you’re Ukraine and you sign up to the [[w:Budapest_Memorandum|Budapest Memorandum]], and then Russia two decades later invades you, that you’ve actually given up security by relinquishing nuclear weapons.
:'''De Klerk''': I still agree with [what I wrote]. Ultimately, the world will be safe only when all the nuclear states follow South Africa’s example and dismantle their nuclear weapons.
:* F.W. de Klerk as interviewed by Uri Friedman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/09/north-korea-south-africa/539265/ &quot;Why One President Gave Up His Country's Nukes&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'', (9 September 2017).

== G ==
[[File:Nuclear reactor in dimona (israel).jpg|thumb|There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. ~ [[Muammar Gaddafi]] ]]
* There is [[w:Dimona nuclear reactor|Dimona nuclear reactor]], and Israel ownership of weapon mass destruction, no one raises this issue, this is extremely dangerous. '''How can the Arabs and [[Muslim|Muslims]] recognize so-called Israel while it owns the nuclear arsenal? this is impossible, unless they also enjoyed the right of having their own nuclear arsenal,''' there is also the [[1948 Palestinian exodus|refugees problem]] there are 4 million [[Palestine|Palestinians]] who should return this is the basis of the problem.
** [[Muammar Gaddafi]], Talk to Al-Jazeera (September 2009) Al-Jazeera

* I regard the employment of the atom bomb for the wholesale destruction of [[Man|men]], [[women]] and [[children]] as the most diabolical use of science.
** [[Mohandas Gandhi]], ''Harijan'', 29 September 1946, quoted in ''The Making of the Indian Atomic Bomb:Science, Secrecy and the Postcolonial State'' by Itty Abraham, Zed Books, 1998. (p. 30).

* So far as I can see the atomic bomb has deadened the finest feeling that has sustained mankind for ages. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], (1946). In William Borman, ''Gandhi and Non-Violence'' (1986), 170. 

* [[Nonviolence|Non-violence]] … is the only thing that the atom bomb cannot destroy. 
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], in William Borman, Gandhi and Non-Violence (1986), 170. 

* Decay and desolation scar the landscape of a remote corner of the Kazakh Steppe. Unnatural lakes formed by nuclear bomb explosions pockmark the once flat terrain, broken up only by empty shells of buildings. It appears uninhabitable. And yet, ghosts – living and dead – haunt the land, still burdened by the effects a nuclear testing program that stopped nearly 30 years ago. &lt;br&gt; The site, known as the Polygon, was home to nearly a quarter of the world’s nuclear tests during the Cold War. The zone was chosen for being unoccupied, but several small [[Agriculture|agricultural]] villages dot its perimeter. Though some residents were bussed out during the test period, most remained. The damage that continues today is visceral.
** Alexandra Genova, [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/proof/2017/10/nuclear-ghosts-kazakhstan/ &quot;This Is What Nuclear Weapons Leave in Their Wake&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (October 13, 2017).

*You have not only [[Fox News|Fox]], but [[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] and [[w:NBC|NBC]]-yes, owned by [[w:General_Electric|General Electric]], one of the major nuclear weapons manufacturers in the world. MSNBC and NBC, as well as FOX, titling their coverage taking the name of what the Pentagon calls the [[Iraq War|invasion of Iraq]]: 'Operation Iraqi Freedom'...They research the most effective [[Propaganda|propagandistic]] name to call their operation.
**[[Amy Goodman]] Independent Media in a Time of War (2003).

* Never before has so terrible a threat loomed so large and dark over mankind as these days. The only reasonable way out of the existing situation is agreement of the confronting forces on an immediate termination of the race in arms, above all, nuclear arms, on Earth and its prevention in [[space]]. An agreement on an honest and equitable basis without attempts at outplaying the other side and dictating terms to it. An agreement which would help all to advance toward the cherished goal: the complete elimination and prohibition of nuclear weapons for good, toward the complete removal of the threat of nuclear war. This is our firm conviction.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.upi.com/Archives/1985/03/11/Excerpts-from-Gorbachevs-first-speech-as-USSR-leader/7718246188921/ Speech to the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union] (11 March 1985)

* The [[Chernobyl disaster|accident at Chernobyl]] showed again what an abyss will open if [[nuclear war]] befalls mankind. For inherent in the nuclear arsenals stockpiled are thousands upon thousands of disasters far more horrible than the Chernobyl one.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.nytimes.com/1986/05/15/world/excerpts-from-gorbachev-s-speech-on-chernobyl-accident.html Speech on the Chernobyl accident] (15 May 1986)

* '''As long as weapons of mass destruction exist, primarily nuclear weapons, the danger is colossal. All nations should declare... that nuclear weapons must be destroyed. This is to save ourselves and our planet.'''
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] in [[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger’'']], [[w: BBC World News|BBC World News]],(4 November 2019)

* Nuclear weapons are like a rifle hanging on the wall in a play. We did not write the play, we are not staging it and we do not know what the author intends. Anyone could take the rifle from the wall at any time.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], ''What Is At Stake Now'' (2020)

* As those exposed to it later told investigators, the black mist caused their eyes to sting and their skin to break out in rashes. Others vomited and suffered from diarrhea. &lt;br&gt; It took almost three decades until the cause of the mist was acknowledged as the [[w:Operation Totem|Totem I]] nuclear bomb test, as Indigenous people had been claiming for years. &lt;br&gt; That test was one of a number conducted in the 1950s and '60s, not by the [[Australian]] government, but by its former colonial master, the [[UK]]. Today, 65 years after the Totem I test, the effects are still being felt in [[South Australia]] and beyond.
** James Griffiths, [https://www.cnn.com/2018/10/14/australia/australia-uk-nuclear-tests-anniversary-intl/index.html &quot;Australia is still dealing with the legacy of the UK's nuclear bomb tests, 65 years on&quot;],, ''CNN'' (October 14, 2018).

* This weapon [the atomic bomb] has added an additional responsibility—or, better, an additional incentive—to find a sound basis for lasting peace. It provides an overwhelming inducement for the avoidance of war. It emphasizes the crisis we face in international matters and strengthens the conviction that adequate safeguards for peace must be found. 
** {{W|Leslie Richard Groves}} Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) 

* I first met J. Robert Oppenheimer on October 8, 1942, at [[University of California, Berkeley|Berkeley]], [[California|Calif.]] There we discussed the theoretical research studies he was engaged in with respect to the [[physics]] of the bomb. Our discussions confirmed my previous belief that we should bring all of the widely scattered theoretical work together. … He expressed complete agreement, and it was then that the idea of the prompt establishment of a Los Alamos was conceived.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]] In 'Some Recollections of July 16, 1945', ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'' (Jun 1970), 26, No. 6, 21. 

* In answer to the question, “Was the development of the atomic bomb by the United States necessary?” I reply unequivocally, “Yes.” To the question, “Is atomic energy a force for good or for evil?” I can only say, “As mankind wills it.” 
** [[Leslie Groves|Leslie Richard Groves]], Final statements in ''And Now It Can Be Told: The Story Of The Manhattan Project'' (1962), 415. 

* It is only when science asks why, instead of simply describing how, that it becomes more than technology. &lt;p&gt; When it asks why, it discovers Relativity. When it only shows how, it invents the atomic bomb, and then puts its hands over its eyes and says, &quot;My God what have I done?&quot;
** [[Ursula Le Guin]], &quot;The Stalin in the Soul&quot; in ''The Language of the Night'', 1976.

== H ==
[[File:Godzilla_(1954).jpg|thumb|[[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]]. ~ [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]]]
* [[Humans|Men]] are the only [[real]] [[monsters]].&amp;nbsp; [[Godzilla]]'s more like a [[nuclear weapon]].&amp;nbsp; A [[living]] nuclear weapon [[destined]] to walk the [[Earth]] [[forever]].&amp;nbsp; Indestructible.&amp;nbsp; A [[victim]] of the modern [[w:Nuclear age|nuclear age]].
** Makoto Hayashida, portrayed by Yosuke Natsuki in ''[[The Return of Godzilla]]'' (1984), directed by [[w:Koji Hashimoto (director)|Koji Hashimoto]]

* On July 10, 1985, two bombs exploded in [[Auckland|Auckland Harbor]], [[New Zealand]]. The blasts sank the ''[[w:Sinking of the Rainbow Warrior|Rainbow Warrior]]'', a ship owned by the international organization Greenpeace, and killed a [[Portugal|Portuguese]] photographer on board. Greenpeace had been preparing the ''Rainbow Warrior'' to lead a protest flotilla to the [[French]] nuclear testing site at [[w:Mururoa Atoll|Mururoa Atoll]] in the [[w:South Pacific|South Pacific]]. Two months after the Auckland Harbor incident, French officials admitted their government's responsibility for destroying the ''Rainbow Warrior''.  &lt;br&gt; Officials of the [[United States]] also were concerned about the ''Rainbow Warrior's'' presence in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific]]: [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] had protested against [[American]] missile testing in [[Canada]] less than six months earlier, and the United Stated conducts a major missile testing program at the [[w:Marshall Islands|Marshall Islands]] in the Pacific. The Marshall Islands tests, while not currently involving nuclear explosions, still present serious hazards for ships navigating near missile targets. Frequently, these hazards extend into ocean areas outside United States territorial waters. If a vessel like the ''Rainbow Warrior'' entered such waters at the time of a planned test, the United States would probably have to postpone the test - at considerable cost - or remove the ship, an action that might violate [[international law]]. This Note addresses this potential dilemma and explores the conflict between two policies of the United States: acceptance of the international principle of [[w:Freedom_of_the_seas|freedom of the seas]] and use of those seas for exclusive purposes. The aggressive political activities of organizations such as Greenpeace suggest that this conflict may have more than academic import.
** ''Harvard Law Review'', [https://www.jstor.org/stable/1341242 “Exclusion of Ships from Nonterritorial Weapons Testing Zones”], Vol. 99, No. 5 (Mar., 1986), pp. 1040.

* Anyone who thinks we can continue to have world wars but make them nice polite affairs by outlawing this weapon or that should meditate upon the outlawing of the cross-bow by Papal authority. Setting up the machinery for international law and order must surely precede disarmament. The Wild West did not abandon its shooting irons till after sheriffs and courts were established. 
** {{W|Joel H. Hildebrand}} Speech, American Library Association Conference (3 Jul 1947), as quoted by Lawrence E. Davies in &quot;Army's Atomic Bid Viewed in Making,&quot; ''New York Times'' (4 Jul 1947), 11. 

* For years after World War II, both the United States and the Soviet Union had been trying to perfect a long-range missile capable of carrying nuclear warheads. Building on the successes of [[Nazi Germany]] in developing the V-1 and V-2 rockets that pummeled [[Great Britain]] during the last months of World War II, both American and Russian scientists raced to improve the range and accuracy of such missiles. (Both nations relied heavily on captured [[Germans|German]] scientists in their efforts.) In July 1957, the United States seemed to win the race when the [[w:Atlas missiles|Atlas]], an [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] with a speed of up to 20,000 miles an hour and an effective range of 5,000 miles, was ready for testing. The test, however, was a disaster. The missile rose only about 5,000 feet into the air, tumbled, and plunged to earth. Just a month later, the Soviets claimed success by announcing that their own [[w:ICBM|ICBM]] had been tested, had “covered a huge distance in a brief time,” and “landed in the target area.” No details were given in the Russian announcement and some commentators in the United States doubted that the ICBM test had been as successful as claimed. Nevertheless, the Soviet possession of this “ultimate weapon,” coupled with recent successful test by the Russians of atomic and hydrogen bombs, raised concerns in America. If the Soviets did indeed perfect their ICBM, no part of the United States would be completely safe from possible atomic attack.
** ''History.com'', [https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/russia-tests-an-intercontinental-ballistic-missile  “Russia tests an intercontinental ballistic missile”]. 

* With regard to [[nuclear weapons]], the situation is far more dangerous than the last [[Doomsday Clock|Doomsday Clock report]]. New weapons systems under development are much more effectively dangerous. '''The Biden administration, expanding upon Trump’s confrontational approach, has [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] at a loss for words to describe the danger at hand. Only recently, [[Joe Biden|Biden]] met with [[NATO]] leaders and instructed them to plan on two wars, [[China]] and [[Russia]]. According to Chomsky: “This is beyond [[insanity]].” Not only that, the group is carrying out provocative acts when [[diplomacy]] is really needed.''' This is an extraordinarily dangerous situation.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021) 

*'''According to [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]], the Doomsday Clock setting at 100 seconds to midnight is based upon: (1) [[global warming]] (2) [[nuclear war]] and (3) [[disinformation]], or the collapse of any kind of rational discourse.''' As such, number three makes it impossible to deal with the first two major problems. Along those lines, within the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] there’s virtually a disappearance of any pretense of rational discourse. Twenty-five (25%) percent of Republicans [[QAnon|believe the government is run by an elite satanic group of pedophiles]]. Seventy percent (70%) of [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] believe that the [[2020 United States presidential election|election]] was [[Electoral fraud|stolen]]. Only fifteen percent (15%) of Republicans believe that global warming is a serious problem. Therein lies an insurmountable problem to solving the main issues that continually tick the clock ever closer to a disaster scenario that will likely be unprecedented in the annals of warfare and environmental degradation.   As a result, Chomsky says: “We’re living in a world of total illusion and fantasy.” Accordingly, “Unless this is dealt with soon, it’ll be impossible to deal with the two major issues within the time span that we have available, which is not very long.” 
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021)

* The use of the atomic bomb with its indiscriminate killing of women and children, revolts my soul. 
** [[Herbert Hoover]], Letter (8 Aug 1945) to Colonel John Callan O’Laughlin, publisher of Army an Navy Journal, as quoted in Gar Alperovitz, The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb (1996), 459. Cited as O’Laughlin Correspondence File, Box 171, Post-Presidential Papers, Herbert Hoover Presidential Library.

== I ==
* The belief of some [[Government|governments]] that nuclear weapons are a legitimate and essential source of security is not only misguided, but also dangerous, for it incites proliferation and undermines disarmament. All nations should reject these weapons completely — before they are ever used again. &lt;br /&gt; This is a time of great global tension, when fiery rhetoric could all too easily lead us, inexorably, to unspeakable horror. The specter of nuclear conflict looms large once more. If ever there were a moment for nations to declare their unequivocal opposition to nuclear weapons, that moment is now.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

* We applaud those nations that have already signed and ratified the [[w:Treaty_on_the_Prohibition_of_Nuclear_Weapons|Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons]], and we urge all others to follow their lead. It offers a pathway forward at a time of alarming crisis. Disarmament is not a pipe dream, but an urgent humanitarian necessity.
** [[International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons]], [http://www.icanw.org/action/nobel-peace-prize-2017-2/ Official statement after winning the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize]

== J ==
* Fifty years ago, on Jan. 21, 1968, the [[Cold War]] grew significantly colder. It was on this day that an American [[w:B-52G Stratofortress bomber|B-52G Stratofortress bomber]], carrying four nuclear bombs, crashed onto the sea ice of Wolstenholme Fjord in the northwest corner of [[Greenland]], one of the coldest places on [[Earth]]. Greenland is part of the [[Kingdom of Denmark]], and the Danes were not pleased.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

* After the crash, the United States and Denmark had very different ideas about how to deal with HOBO 28’s wreckage and radioactivity. The U.S. wanted to just let the bomber wreckage sink into the fjord and remain there, but Denmark wouldn’t allow that. Denmark wanted all the wreckage gathered up immediately and moved, along with all of the radioactively contaminated ice, to the United States. Since the fate of the Thule Air Base hung in the balance, the U.S. agreed to Denmark’s demands.
** Timothy J. Jorgensen; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/50-years-ago-a-us-military-jet-crashed-in-greenland-with-4-nuclear-bombs-on-board “50 years ago, a U.S. military jet crashed in Greenland – with 4 nuclear bombs on board”], PBS News Hours, (Jan 21, 2018).

== K ==
[[File:Confusion_of_Tongues.png|thumb|We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate. ~ [[Martin Luther King Jr.]]]]
* The unacceptability of the Doomsday Machine raises awkward, unpleasant, and complicated questions that must be considered by both policy maker and technician. If it is not acceptable to risk the lives of the three billion inhabitants of the earth in order to protect ourselves from surprise attack, then how many people would we be willing to risk? I believe that both the United States and [[NATO]] would reluctantly be willing to envisage the possibility of one or two hundred million people (i.e., about five times more than World War II deaths) dying from the immediate effects, even if one does not include deferred long-term effects due to radiation, if an all-out thermonuclear war results from a failure of Type I Deterrence. With somewhat more controversy, similar numbers would apply to Type II Deterrence. (For example, some experts would concede the statement for an all-out Soviet nuclear attack on Europe, but not if the Soviets restricted themselves to the use of conventional weapons.) We are willing to live with the possibility partly because we think of it as a remote possibility. We do not expect either kind of deterrence to fail, and we do not expect the results to be that cataclysmic if deterrence does fail.
** [[Herman Kahn]], [[w:On Thermonuclear War|''On Thermonuclear War'']]

* [[Australia]]'s response to [[India]]'s nuclear tests is the most abrasive of all the responses at the international level. On 14 May 1998 the Australian conservative coalition government decided to take action in response &quot;to the outrageous acts perpetuated by India in conducting no less than five nuclear tests....: It announced immediate suspension of bilateral defence relations with [[India]], withdrawal of its Defence Adviser from [[New Delhi]], suspension of non-humanitarian aid and indefinite postponement of all ministerial and senior official visits. In fact, some [[Indian Armed Forces|Indian defence personnel]] who happened be on a course assignment in Australia were &quot;physically hauled out of classrooms&quot; and asked to leave immediately. Australia was in the forefront in criticizing India's nuclear test at various international fore. However, it did not impose any [[economic sanctions]] on India, which in any case would not have amounted to much.
** Man Mohini Kaul, [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0020881700037004005 “Australia-India Relations: Post-Pokhran II Phase”], ''International Studies'', (October 1, 2000). 

* I consider your crime worse than [[murder]]... I believe your conduct in putting into the hands of the [[Russians]] the A-Bomb years before our best scientists predicted Russia would perfect the bomb has already caused, in my opinion, the [[Communism|Communist]] [[Korean War|aggression in Korea]], with the resultant casualties exceeding 50,000 and who knows but that millions more of innocent people may pay the price of your [[treason]]. Indeed, by your betrayal you undoubtedly have altered the course of [[history]] to the disadvantage of our [[country]]. No one can say that we do not live in a constant state of tension. We have evidence of your treachery all around us every day for the civilian defense activities throughout the nation are aimed at preparing us for an atom bomb attack.
** ''Judge Kaufman's Statement Upon Sentencing the Rosenbergs''. University of Missouri–Kansas City. Retrieved June 24, 2008.

* [We must examine] the thesis that these devices, the so-called nuclear weapons, are really weapons at all&amp;mdash;that they deserve that designation. A weapon is something with which you try to affect the purposes and the concepts of an opponent; it is not something with which you blindly destroy his entire civilization, and probably your own as well.
** [[George F. Kennan]], ''The Nuclear Delusion: Soviet-American Relations in the Atomic Age'' (1983), p. 243.

* Today, every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. '''Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear sword of Damocles, hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident, or miscalculation, or by madness.''' The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Address-Before-the-General-Assembly-of-the-United-Nations-September-25-1961.aspx Address before the General Assembly of the United Nations] (25 September 1961)

* [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough nuclear power to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension. &lt;br&gt; Yesterday a shaft of light cut into the darkness. Negotiations were concluded in Moscow on a treaty to ban all nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and under water. For the first time, an agreement has been reached on bringing the forces of nuclear destruction under international control-a goal first sought in 1946 when [[Bernard Baruch]] presented [[w:Baruch Plan|a comprehensive control plan to the United Nations]].
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* Continued unrestricted testing by the nuclear powers, joined in time by other nations which may be less adept in limiting [[pollution]], will increasingly contaminate the air that all of us must breathe. Even then, the number of [[children]] and grandchildren with [[cancer]] in their bones, with [[w:Leukemia|leukemia]] in their [[blood]], or with [[Lung cancer|poison in their lungs]] might seem statistically small to some, in comparison with natural health hazards. But this is not a natural [[health]] hazard -- and it is not a [[Statistics|statistical]] issue. The loss of even one human life, or the malformation of even one baby -- who may be born long after we are gone -- should be of concern to us all. Our children and grandchildren are not merely statistics toward which we can be indifferent.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* During the next several years, in addition to the four current nuclear powers, a small but significant number of nations will have the intellectual, physical, and financial resources to produce both nuclear weapons and the means of delivering them. In time, it is estimated, many other nations will have either this capacity or other ways of obtaining nuclear warheads, even as missiles can be commercially purchased today. I ask you to stop and think for a moment what it would mean to have nuclear weapons in so many hands, in the hands of countries large and small, stable and unstable, responsible and irresponsible, scattered throughout the world. There would be no rest for anyone then, no stability, no real security, and no chance of effective disarmament. There would only be the increased chance of accidental war, and an increased necessity for the great powers to involve themselves in what otherwise would be local conflicts. If only one thermonuclear bomb were to be dropped on any American, Russian, or any other city, whether it was launched by accident or design, by a madman or by an enemy, by a large nation or by a small, from any corner of the world, that one bomb could release more destructive power on the inhabitants of that one helpless city than all the bombs dropped in the Second World War.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[w:Partial Nuclear Test Ban Treaty|Limited Nuclear Test Ban Treaty]] speech [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Speeches/Radio-and-Television-Address-to-the-American-People-on-the-Nuclear-Test-Ban-Treaty-July-26-1963.aspx Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty] ([[26 July]] [[1963]])

* The discovery of nuclear fission to the creation of the first atom bombs took less than seven years.
** [[Jim Al-Khalili]], ''{{w|Chemistry: A Volatile History}}'' Episode 3: The Power of the Elements, 50:29 (2010) a [[BBC]] documentary.

* Following [[World War II]], the Soviet Union’s major programs of nuclear weapon development resulted in that county’s first nuclear device, named RDS1 (standing for Rossia Delaet Sama, meaning “Russia does it itself”). It was first tested in Kazakhstan on 29 August 1949, at what became known as the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS). Until the mid-1950s, all Soviet nuclear tests were conducted above ground at STS. But in 1954 the first Soviet nuclear torpedo (the antiship weapon T-5) was under development and shortly became ready for testing. The Soviet military was eager to test it in a more realistic situation, requiring a site near a seacoast, and Novaya Zemlya was selected at that time for what became the first test in that region, an underwater test on 21 September 1955.
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.2

* Accurate values for the yields of Soviet nuclear tests are of particular interest. There were 496 underground nuclear tests (UNTs) conducted on USSR territory from 1949 to 1990. Among them were 340 tests at the Semipalatinsk Test Site (STS) in Kazakhstan, 117 so called Peaceful Nuclear Explosions (PNEs) at many different places on USSR territory other than at test sites, and 39 tests at the Novaya Zemlya Test Site. Soviet yields have been officially published for all 124 PNEs (including seven conducted at STS), and for 22 UNTs at STS.1
** Vitaly I. Khalturin, Tatyana G. Rautian, Paul G. Richards, and William S. Leith, [https://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/res/div/sgt/vitaly/VIKh_papers/khalturin_NZ_S&amp;GS2005.pdf &quot;A Review of Nuclear Testing by the Soviet Union at Novaya Zemlya, 1955--1990&quot;], ''Science and Global Security'', 13:1–42, (2005). p.7

* I happened to read recently a remark by the American nuclear physicist W. Davidson, who noted that the explosion of one hydrogen bomb releases a greater amount of energy than all the explosions set off by all countries in all wars known in the entire history of mankind. And he, apparently, is right.
** [[Nikita Khrushchev]], Address to the United Nations, New York City (September 18, 1959), as reported by ''The New York Times'' (September 19, 1959), p. 8. The physicist quoted was eventually found to be William Davidon, associate physicist at Argonne National Laboratory, Lemont, Illinois.

* Once again there was little to inspire hope that the nuclear-weapon-possessing states are genuinely willing to give up their nuclear arsenals. The long-term modernisation programmes under way in these states suggest that nuclear weapons are still a marker of international status and power.
** Shannon Kile in Richard Norton-Taylor, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jun/03/nuclear-states-developing-new-weapons-report “Nuclear states developing new weapons in defiance of treaty, report claims“], ''The Guardian'', (2 Jun 2013). 

* We have genuflected before the [[God]] of [[Science]] only to find that it has given us the atomic bomb, producing [[fears]] and [[anxieties]] that science can never mitigate.
** [[Martin Luther King]], ''Strength to Love'', 1963.

* The great danger facing us today is not so much the atomic bomb that was created by physical science. Not so much that atomic bomb that you can put in an [[Airplane|aeroplane]] and drop on the heads of hundreds and thousands of people as dangerous as that is. But the real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of [[hate]] and into the most damaging [[selfishness]]—that's the atomic bomb that we've got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem.
** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], ''[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ Rediscovering Lost Values]'', Sermon delivered at Detroit's Second Baptist Church (28 February 1954).

* Israel was the sixth nation in the world -- and the first in the [[Middle East]] -- to acquire nuclear weapons. However, unlike those of the first five, its nuclear program has remained opaque, that is, shrouded in secrecy, officially unacknowledged and insulated from domestic politics. Cohen, a senior research fellow at the National Security Archive at George Washington University, analyzes in rich detail how this policy of ''nuclear opacity'' evolved and what made it possible. &lt;br&gt; The policy was not the result of a well-thought-out strategy. Rather, it was a product of a series of improvisations under two Prime Ministers, [[David Ben-Gurion]] and [[Levi Eshkol]]. Neither man ever brought the issue before his Cabinet, and Israeli parties on both the [[Left-wing politics|left]] and [[Right-wing politics|right]] refrained from discussing it because of their commitment to the ''sanctity of security''.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The Israeli model of nuclear opacity was eventually followed by all the second-generation nuclear states: [[India]], [[Pakistan]] and [[South Africa]]. But the South Africans dismantled their nuclear arsenal in 1991, and the Indians and Pakistanis publicly tested nuclear weapons in 1998. Thus, Israel today remains the only nuclear-opaque state in the world.
** Lawrence Korb, [https://www.nytimes.com/books/98/11/01/reviews/981101.01korblt.html &quot;The Quiet Bomb&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (November 1, 1998).

* The dropping of the [atomic] bomb on a populated center was another totally superfluous crime. Even if callous arguments for the annihilation of Hiroshima could be made, there was no necessity for the slaughter in Nagasaki, cradle of Japanese Christianity. Within a split second the bomb wiped out one-eighth of [[Japan]]’s [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[Christianity|Christians]]. Here the argument resurfaces—[[Harry S. Truman|Truman]] wanted to impress the Soviets, just as [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] had with Dresden. But how could any butcher impress [[Josef Stalin|the arch-butcher from the Caucasus]]? Not even the late [[Adolf Hitler]] had succeeded.
** [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], ''Leftism Revisited'' (1990), p. 282

==L==
*'''While [[Civil society|Civil Society]] and a global movement work steadfastly across dozens of fields for the abolition of nuclear weapons, planning, preparations, and rehearsals for attacks using deployed H-bombs and nuclear missiles are routine in the [[US military]] and [[NATO|NATO.]]'''&lt;BR&gt;US nuclear war practice takes place routinely with allied European militaries. “Steadfast Noon” is NATO’s code name for its annual nuclear attack practice, and Hans Kristensen reports for the ''Federation of American Scientist''s that, “This is the exercise that practices NATO’s nuclear strike mission with the B61 … nuclear bombs the US deploys in [[Europe]].”  Jan Merička wrote in ''European Security Journal News'' Oct. 19, 2017, that Steadfast Noon is designed “to simulate nuclear strikes… and was conducted from the Kleine Brogel Air Base in [[Belgium]] and Büchel Air Base in [[Germany]], where US B61 thermonuclear bombs with the force of up to 340 kilotons of TNT are stored.” (FYI: Hiroshima was incinerated with a 15 kiloton US bomb.)
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

*To illustrate the [[The Pentagon|Pentagon]]’s ho-hum acceptance of mass destruction, it recently opened in Omaha its new, $1.3 billion Strategic Command headquarters for supervising and targeting the nuclear arsenal, and it named the building after General [[Curtis LeMay]], who, the Omaha World Herald reported, designed and conducted the incendiary bombing of 60 Japanese cities at the end of WWII, bombing that “incinerated entire cities” killing as many as 900,000 civilians. General LeMay’s motto and that of Strategic Command used to be “Death from Above,” but after the war it was changed to “Peace is Our Profession.”&lt;BR&gt;In Germany, readiness for attacks with nuclear weapons is maintained by the USAF 702nd Munitions Support Squadron, which tends to Germany’s 33rd Fighter-Bomber Wing at Büchel Air Force Base. Headlines from last October’s bombing “theater” included, and “[[NATO]] Holds Secret Nuclear War Exercises in Germany,” “German Air Force training for nuclear war as part of NATO;” from 2017, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise unusually open”; and in 2015, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise Steadfast Noon in Büchel.”&lt;BR&gt; While the uninitiated might be aghast, '''the [[United States Armed Forces|US military]] plans and prepares all year round for nuclear attacks''' at its far-flung “Defense Nuclear Weapons School” of the Air Force Nuclear College. According to the school’s website, one branch (of “Armageddon Academy”) is at the Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany, the largest US military base outside the country.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

* As the [[International Red Cross]] marked the 75th anniversary of the atomic bombings in Japan, it issued a strong warning that “the risk of use of nuclear weapons has risen to levels not seen since the end of the Cold War.”   Echoed by former Secretary Perry on the News Hour, other defense policy experts have stated forewarnings, on both the moral grounds of potential omnicidal consequences, and of new weapons technology making nuclear war more likely.   [[Daniel Ellsberg]], for example, sees governments “prepared to unleash a nuclear war which would end civilization as we know it and could kill over seven billion people.” &lt;BR&gt;In our region... many thousands are in need of food assistance, and millions across the country are suffering great personal economic losses under the dual crises of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] and, again, of [[Global warming|climate-change]] related wildfires and storms. As the [[United States Congress|Congress]] budgets nearly ¾ trillion dollars for national defense, it should redirect at least a portion of this enormous sum to the current human needs and support the 2017 United Nations nuclear-weapons-ban treaty, which the work of the [[International Red Cross]]... initiated.
**Letters: Recognition for Cadet Nurses; Ban nuclear weapons, Frances Lamberts, ''Johnson City Press'' (20 September 2020) 

* The Atomic Age began at exactly 5.30 Mountain War Time on the morning of July 15, 1945, on a stretch of semi-desert land about 50 airline miles from Alamogordo, New Mexico. And just at that instance there rose from the bowels of the earth a light not of this world, the light of many suns in one. ... At first it was a giant column that soon took the shape of a supramundane mushroom. 
** {{W|William L. Laurence}} on the [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|first atomic explosion in New Mexico]], 16 Jul 1945, ''New York Times'' (26 Sep 1945). 

* That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The [atomic] bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.
** {{W|Admiral William D. Leahy}} comment on the U.S. Atomic Bomb Project, to President Harry S. Truman in 1945. ''Memoirs: Year of Decisions'' (1955), Vol. 1, 11.

* With the end of the [[Cold War]], many of the arguments for and against [[w:cruise missiles|cruise missiles]] have become outdated. Since almost all of the previous debate was framed in terms of the East/West conflict and the impact on the nuclear balance, the collapse of this framework has changed the significance of cruise missiles. Ground-launched cruise missiles (GLCMs) were banned under the 1987 [[w:Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces Treaty|Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces]] (INF) agreement. In 1991, Presidents Bush and Gorbachev agreed to remove nuclear sea-launched cruise (SLCM) and other tactical missiles from all surface ships and submarines at sea. The future deployment of nuclear air-launched cruise missiles (ALCMs) was limited under the START treaties, and production of the newer &quot;stealth&quot; air-launched Advanced Cruise Missile (ACM) ended in July 1993 at 460 missiles, some 1,000 fewer than had originally been planned.
** James Lee, [http://publications.gc.ca/collections/Collection-R/LoPBdP/MR/mr114-e.htm &quot;Cruise Missile Testing in Canada: The Post-Cold War Debate&quot;], Political and Social Affairs Division, Parliamentary Research Branch, Depository Services Program Government of Canada, (January 21, 1994).

== M ==
* Can one imagine that The Bomb could ever be used &quot;in a good cause&quot;? Do not such means instantly, of themselves, corrupt any cause? The bomb is the natural product of the kind of society we have created. It is as easy, normal, and unforced an expression of the American way of Life as electric ice-boxes, banana splits, and hydro-matic drive automobiles.
** [[Dwight Macdonald]], &quot;Politics&quot; magazine, (August, 1945).

* But these Algerians were not properly warned of their danger after France’s misgoverned nuclear bomb-testing campaign of the early 1960s, which vitrified vast tracts of desert with heat and plutonium and left a legacy of uncontained radiation that is still crippling inhabitants. Estimates of the number of Algerians affected by testing range from 27,000 — cited by the French Ministry of Defense — to 60,000, the figure given by Abdul Kadhim al-Aboudi, an Algerian professor of nuclear physics. &lt;br&gt; Yet there has been little accountability for France’s disregard. A compensation scheme for victims of France’s nuclear tests exists, but it has made payouts to only 17 people. The majority of those were residents of French Polynesia, where France relocated its nuclear testing campaign after leaving Algeria and experimented with more than 190 nuclear bombs from 1966 to 1996.
** Johnny Magdaleno, [http://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2015/3/1/algerians-suffering-from-french-atomic-legacy-55-years-after-nuclear-tests.html &quot;Algerians suffering from French atomic legacy, 55 years after nuke tests&quot;], ''Al Jazeera'', (March 1, 2015). 

* It’s chilling to face the reality that nuclear war is not some distant Cold War era threat, but a strong possibility in our near future. Due to incompetence or belligerence, any nuclear armed country could initiate this death spiral. Right now we face an unprecedented ecological crisis in need of global cooperation. Instead of becoming a leader to reduce and dismantle nuclear weapons, the US is spending over a trillion dollars to modernize its nuclear arsenal. And despite being a signatory to the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, the US is buying hundreds more. In February, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] secured a contract with Northrop Grumman for 600 new nukes, for no reason other than to line the coffers of the [[Military-industrial complex|defense industry]].
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* [[Washington, D.C.|DC]] think tank policy prescriptions about nuclear weapons are sponsored by the very arms companies rewarded with lucrative contracts for their recommendations, which always result in further militarization.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* We need to strategize how we can live in a world beyond nukes, because there will never be peace as long as these weapons exist.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/20/what-are-the-prospects-for-peace-an-interview-with-abby-martin/]

* Any military commander who is honest with himself, or with those he's speaking to, will admit that he has made mistakes in the application of military power. He's killed people unnecessarily—his own troops or other troops—through mistakes, through errors of judgment. A hundred, or thousands, or tens of thousands, maybe even a hundred thousand. But… he hasn't destroyed nations. And the conventional wisdom is ''don't make the same mistake twice, learn from your mistakes''. And we all do. Maybe we make the same mistake three times, but hopefully not four or five. But there will be ''no learning period'' with nuclear weapons. You make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations.
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''The Fog of War'' (2003).

* The major lesson of the [[Cuban Missile Crisis]] is this: The indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will destroy nations. Is it right and proper that today there are 7500 strategic offensive nuclear warheads, of which 2500 are at 15 minute alert to be launched by the decision of one human being?
** [[Robert McNamara]], in ''[[The Fog of War]]'' (2003).

* I will have nothing to do with a bomb!
** {{w|Lise Meitner}} Response to being invited (1943) to work with Otto Robert Frisch and some British scientists at Los Alamos during the Manhattan Project to create the atomic bomb. life inRuth Sime, Lise Meitner: A Life in Physics (1996), 305. 

* If we ourselves happen to survive, are any of us prepared to press the button or allow our elected representatives to command that this be done, in the certainty that it will kill millions of other people?
**[[w:Naomi Mitchison|Naomi Mitchison]], &quot;Questions for Inner Cabinet&quot;, ''[[w:The Herald (Glasgow)|Glasgow Herald]]'', 35th July 1980.

* The future of mankind is going to be decided within the next two generations, and there are two absolute requisites: We must aim at a stable-state society [with limited population growth] and the destruction of nuclear stockpiles. … Otherwise I don't see how we can survive much later than 2050. 
** {{W|Jacques Monod}} quoted in John C. Hess, 'French Nobel Biologist Says World Based On Chance', New York Times (15 Mar 1971), 6. 

* It doesn’t even matter if we ever fire these missiles or not. They are having their effect upon us because there is a generation growing up now who cannot see past the final exclamation mark of a mushroom cloud. They are a generation who can see no moral values that do not end in a crackling crater somewhere. I’m not saying that nuclear bombs are at the root of all of it, but I think it is very, very naïve to assume that you can expose the entire population of the world to the threat of being turned to cinders without them starting to act, perhaps, a little oddly. &lt;br&gt; I believe in some sort of strange fashion that the presence of the atom bomb might almost be forcing a level of human development that wouldn’t have occurred without the presence of the atom bomb. Maybe this degree of terror will force changes in human attitudes that could not have occurred without the presence of these awful, destructive things. Perhaps we are faced with a race between the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in one line and the 7th Calvary in the other. We have not got an awful lot of mid ground between [[Utopia]] and [[Apocalypse]], and if somehow our children ever see the day in which it is announced that we do not have these weapons any more, and that we can no longer destroy ourselves and that we’ve got to do something else to do with our time than they will have the right to throw up their arms, let down their streamers and let forth a resounding cheer.
** [[Alan Moore]] on the issue of nuclear weapons, in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv44V4d_fDQ ''England Their England : Monsters, Maniacs and Moore'' (1987)]

* [The quick way to warm the planet] '''Drop thermonuclear weapons over the poles.'''
** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html &quot;Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015)
** [[Elon Musk]] on the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: &quot;It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one.&quot;

* Nuke [[Mars]] refers to a continuous stream of very low fallout nuclear fusion explosions above the atmosphere to create artificial suns. Much like our sun, this would not cause Mars to become radioactive.&lt;br&gt;Not risky imo &amp; can be adjusted/improved real-time. Essentially need to figure out most effective way to convert mass to energy, as Mars is slightly too far from this solar system's fusion reactor (the sun).
** [[Elon Musk]] 20 August 2019 tweet as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/nuke-mars-elon-musk-seems-serious-about-plan-terraform-red-ncna1045181 &quot;Nuke Mars? Elon Musk seems serious about plan to terraform the red planet&quot;], ''NBC News'' (August 22, 2019, reprinted from Space.com)
== N ==
* Russian inventory of nuclear weapons, particularly tactical weapons, remains larger than any other in the world. In its report, the NIC indicated that it remained “concerned about vulnerabilities to an insider who attempts unauthorized actions” at Russian nuclear weapons storage facilities. Similarly, the NIC noted that “Russian facilities housing weapons-usable nuclear material . . . typically receive low funding, lack trained security personnel, and do not have sufficient equipment for securely storing such material.” As a result, security “varies widely among the different types of Ministry of Atomic Energy (Minatom) facilities and [[Government of Russia|other Russian institutes]]. The NIC report concludes by noting that over the course of the last seven years, “Moscow has recognized the need for security improvements and, with assistance from the United States and other countries, has taken steps to reduce the risk of theft of its nuclear weapons and material.”
** National Intelligence Council, ''Annual Report to Congress on the Safety and Security of Russian Nuclear Facilities and Military Forces'', (February 2003), p. 2.; as quoted in p.4.

* In keeping with the great secrecy involved in India's efforts to develop and test its first nuclear explosive device, the project employed no more than 75 scientists and engineers working on it in the period from 1967 to 1974. Of course this does not count the thousands of individuals required to build and operate the infrastructure supporting BARC and to produce the plutonium for the device. &lt;br&gt; Outside of those actually working on the project, only about three other people in India knew of it - Prime Minister [[Indira Gandhi]], her trusted adviser and former principal secretary [[P. N. Haksar|P.N. Haksar]], and her current principal secretary [[w:Durga_Prasad_Dhar|D.P. Dhar]]. No [[Government of India|government]] ministers, including the [[Swaran Singh|Defense Minister]], were informed. &lt;br&gt; The implosion system was designed to compress the core to twice its normal density. The lenses that were developed used the fast-slow explosive design pioneered by the U.S. in World War II. Like the Gadget exploded at Trinity in 1945, they used an RDX-TNT mixture as the fast explosive, with baratol (barium nitrate and TNT) used as the slow explosive. Chengappa describes the inner slow explosive component as being in the shape of &quot;Shiva ling am&quot; -- a phallus in Hindu religious art which is squat and blunt in form. The device used 12 lens, which is described by Chengappa [pg. 182]: &quot;the way the explosives were placed around the plutonium sphere resembled the petals of the lotus&quot;. This presumably indicates that each hemisphere of the implosion system consisted of 6 longitudinal lens segments (asymmetric diamond shaped lenses) joined together at the pole so that they formed triangular teeth at the equator which interlocked with the opposite hemisphere. This design is simpler and less sophisticated than the 32-lens &quot;soccer ball&quot; system developed by the [[U.S.]] during [[World War II]].
** ''Nuclearweaponarchive.org'', [http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/India/IndiaSmiling.html &quot;India's Nuclear Weapons Program&quot;], (November 8, 2001).

== O ==
* If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a [[Great Recession|great recession]], reboot our [[Car|auto]] industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history . . . open up a new chapter with the [[Cuba|Cuban]] people, '''shut down [[Iran]]'s nuclear weapons program without firing a shot''', take out the [[Osama bin Laden|mastermind]] of [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] . . . win [[LGBT rights in the United States|marriage equality]], and secure the right to [[Health care in the United States|health insurance]] for another 20 million of our fellow citizens . . . you might have said our sights were set a little too high. '''But that's what we did. That's what you did.'''
** [[Barack Obama]], &quot;[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/farewell President Obama's Farewell Address],&quot; the White House archives (January 10, 2017) 

* [[Ukraine]], [[Kazakhstan]] and [[Belarus]], three states of the former Soviet Union that have nuclear arms on their territory, formally agreed with the United States and Russia today to give up those weapons by the end of the decade and not to seek nuclear arms again. &lt;br&gt; In a wordless, austere ceremony in the barroom of a [[Lisbon]] hotel, [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] [[James Baker|James A. Baker III]] and officials of Russia and the three other nuclear-armed former Soviet republics signed a protocol, or legal supplement, to the 1991 Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START), pledging to carry out its terms. &lt;br&gt; They thus laid the groundwork for ratification of the landmark START treaty and for permitting negotiations to go ahead between the United States and Russia for deeper cutbacks in nuclear arms. &lt;br&gt; The full significance of the occasion, which took months of difficult negotiation to arrange, went far beyond the pale legalism of the six-page documents the diplomats signed. Today's ceremony was a hard-won milestone in a mostly invisible, yet intense diplomatic struggle to maintain control over the world's largest and most awesome array of long-range nuclear weapons, as the Soviet Union, the nation that created and held them during the decades of the Cold War, splintered into more than a dozen parts. 
** Don Oberdorfer,[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1992/05/24/3-ex-soviet-states-to-give-up-a-arms/bf3284ee-c7e9-4b09-bdf7-12c726f033be/ “3 EX-SOVIET STATES TO GIVE UP A-ARMS”], ''Washington Post'', May 24, 1992

* The [[Fire|flame]] from the [[Angels|angel]]'s [[sword]] in the [[w:Garden_of_Eden|Garden of Eden]] has been catalyzed into the atom bomb; [[God]]'s [[thunderbolt]] became blunted, so Man's dunderbolt [sic] has become the Steel Star of Destruction.
**[[Seán O'Casey]], ''Sunset and Evening Star'', 1954.

* I am become [[death]], The Shatterer of Worlds.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], quoting from the 2,000-year-old Bhagavad Gita of India at the instant the first test atomic device exploded. Abraham Pais and Robert P. Crease, J. Robert Oppenheimer: a Life‎ (2006), 44. Also seen translated as “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
** We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture the Bhagavad Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multiarmed form and says, &quot;Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.&quot; I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
** J. Robert Oppenheimer, ''The Decision To Drop The Bomb''; Pontin, Jason (November–December 2007). &quot;Oppenheimer's Ghost&quot;. Technology Review.

* When you see something that is technically sweet, you go ahead and do it and argue about what to do about it only after you've had your technical success. That is the way it was with the atomic bomb.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], testifying in his defense in his 1954 security hearings (page 81 of the official transcript). Quoted in  Charles Thorpe, ''Oppenheimer: The Tragic Intellect''. University of Chicago Press,2008 (pp. 223-4).

* We have made a thing, a most terrible weapon, that has altered abruptly and profoundly the nature of the world. We have made a thing that, by all standards of the world we grew up in, is an evil thing. And by doing so, by our participation in making it possible to make these things, we have raised again the question of whether science is good for man, of whether it is good to learn about the world, to try to understand it, to try to control it, to help give to the world of men increased insight, increased power. Because we are scientists, we must say an unalterable yes to these questions; it is our faith and our commitment, seldom made explicit, even more seldom challenged, that knowledge is a good in itself, knowledge and such power as must come with it. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech to the American Philosophical Society (Jan 1946). ''Atomic Weapons'', printed in Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society, 90(1), 7-10. In Deb Bennett-Woods, Nanotechnology: Ethics and Society (2008), 23. Identified as a speech to the society in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎ (2005), 323

* But when you come right down to it, the reason that we did this job is because it was an organic necessity. If you are a scientist you cannot stop such a thing. If you are a scientist you believe that it is good to find out how the world works; that it is good to find out what the realities are; that it is good to turn over to mankind at large the greatest possible power to control the world and to deal with it according to its lights and values.
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], regarding the atomic bomb project from speech at Los Alamos (17 Oct 1945). Quoted in David C. Cassidy, J. ''Robert Oppenheimer and the American Century'' (2009), 214.

* Despite the vision and the far-seeing wisdom of our wartime heads of state, the physicists felt a peculiarly intimate responsibility for suggesting, for supporting, and in the end, in large measure, for achieving the realization of atomic weapons. Nor can we forget that these weapons, as they were in fact used, dramatized so mercilessly the inhumanity and evil of modern war. In some sort of crude sense which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], ''The Open Mind'' (1955), 88

* If atomic bombs are to be added as new weapons to the arsenals of a warring world, or to the arsenals of nations preparing for war, then the time will come when mankind will curse the names of Los Alamos and Hiroshima. The people must unite, or they will perish. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Speech at Fuller Lodge when the U.S. Army was honouring the work at Los Alamos. (16 Oct 1945). Quoted in Kai Bird, Martin J. Sherwin, ''American Prometheus: the Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer‎'' (2005), 323. 

* It did not take atomic weapons to make man want peace. But the atomic bomb was the turn of the screw. The atomic bomb made the prospect of future war unendurable. It has led us up those last few steps to the mountain pass; and beyond there is a different country. 
** [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]], Commencement address (1946), as quoted in book review, William J. Broad, ''The Men Who Made the Sun Rise'', ''New York Times Book Review'' (8 Feb 1987), 39.

== P ==
* Congress reacted in 1946 by creating the [[w:Atomic Energy Commission|Atomic Energy Commission]] (AEC) to oversee nuclear development. Responding to the threat of a Soviet nuclear program, the AEC authorized nuclear weapons tests in the South Pacific, and then later decided the [[Nevada]] desert would be less vulnerable to attack. In December 1950, the commission recommended establishing a permanent proving ground on a piece of the old [[Las Vegas]] Bombing and Gunnery Range. Truman concurred, and the first atmospheric detonation at the [[w:Nevada Test Site|Nevada Test Site]], a one-kiloton bomb dropped on Frenchman Flat, took place a month later. The U.S. nuclear testing program continued for 41 years and included 928 nuclear tests (with 1,021 total detonations). Most were underground, but 100 tests were atmospheric, or out in the open. Today, as the Nevada National Security Site, it is still used for radioactive waste storage, first-responder training, “subcritical” nuclear tests, and other projects.
** Samir S. Patel, [https://www.archaeology.org/issues/152-1411/features/2592-united-states-atomic-age-archaeology#art_page2 &quot;Dawn of a Thousand Suns&quot;], ''Archaeology'', (November/December 2014).

* Many of us have lived through another change in Western sensibilities toward military symbolism. When the ultimate military weapons, nuclear bombs, were unveiled in the 1940s and 1950s, people were not repelled, even though the weapons had recently snuffed out a quarter of a million lives and were threatening to annihilate hundreds of millions more. No, the world found them charming! A sexy bathing suit, the bikini, was named after a Micronesian atoll that had been vaporized by nuclear tests, because the designer compared the onlookers’ reaction to an atomic blast. Ludicrous “civil defense” measures like backyard fallout shelters and duck-and-cover classroom drills encouraged the delusion that a nuclear attack would be no big deal. To this day triple-triangle fallout shelter signs rust above the basement entrances of many American apartment buildings and schools. Many commercial logos from the 1950s featured mushroom clouds, including Atomic Fireball Jawbreaker candies, the Atomic Market (a mom-and-pop grocery store not far from [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]), and the Atomic Café, which lent its name to a 1982 documentary on the bizarre nonchalance with which the world treated nuclear weapons through the early [[1960s]], when horror finally began to sink in.
** [[Steven Pinker]], ''The Better Angels of Our Nature'' (2012) 

* The only people who should be allowed to govern countries with nuclear weapons are [[mothers]], those who are still breast-feeding their babies.
** [[wikipedia:Tsutomu Yamaguchi|Tsutomu Yamaguchi]], who lived in Hiroshima when it was hit by an atomic bomb, survived, chose to move to Nagasaki, which was then hit by another atomic bomb, and survived that, too, living until 2010, all according to [[Steven Pinker]].
** Steven Pinker, ''[[wikipedia:The Better Angels of Our Nature|The Better Angels of Our Nature]]: Why Violence Has Declined'' (N.Y.: Viking, hardback 2011 {{ISBN|978-0-670-02295-3}}, p.&amp;nbsp;684.

* In plain words; now that [[United Kingdom|Britain]] has told the world she has the H-Bomb, she should announce as early as possible that she has done with it, that she proposes to reject, in all circumstances, nuclear warfare. This is not pacifism. There is no suggestion here of abandoning the immediate defence of [[Great Britain|this island]].... No, what should be abandoned is the idea of deterrence-by-threat-of-retaliation. There is no real security in it, no decency in it, no faith, hope, nor charity in it.
** [[J. B. Priestley]], &quot;Britain and the Nuclear Bombs&quot;, ''The New Statesman'', 2 November 1957.

* Seeking to maintain its status as a global power [[Aftermath of World War II|after the Second World War]], [[Britain]] tested 12 atomic bombs in [[Australia]] between 1952 and 1957. But when the major powers developed more powerful hydrogen bombs — the [[United States]] in 1952 and the [[Soviet Union]] in 1953 — Britain followed suit. After being refused H-Bomb test sites in Australia and [[New Zealand]], the [[Government of the United Kingdom|UK government]] decided to test its thermonuclear weapons in the British [[w:Gilbert and Ellis Islands|Gilbert and Ellice Islands]] Colony – today, part of the Pacific nation of Kiribati. Under Operation Grapple, nine hydrogen and atomic bomb tests were held at [[w:Malden Island|Malden Island]] and [[w:Christmas Island|Christmas (Kiritimati) Island]] between May 1957 and September 1958.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* During the [[Cold War]], successive British governments regarded nuclear weapons as a symbol of technological prowess and global status. Sir [[Winston Churchill]]’s scientific adviser [[Frederick Lindemann, 1st Viscount Cherwell|Lord Cherwell]] argued that the development of hydrogen as well as atomic weapons was central to maintaining [[British Empire|Britain’s status as an imperial power]]: “If we are unable to make the Bomb ourselves and have to rely entirely on the United States for this vital weapon, we shall sink to the rank of a second class nation, only permitted to supply [[British Army|auxiliary troops]], like the native levies who were supplied small arms but not [[artillery]].”
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

* Between 1946 and 1996, there were more than 315 U.S., British and French nuclear tests at ten sites across the region. Many of the workers and military personnel who staffed the Pacific test sites, as well as indigenous communities on neighboring atolls, have faced serious health problems in the aftermath. During my interviews with the ageing survivors of [[w:Operation Grapple|Operation Grapple]], I was told of cases of leukemia, cancer and sterility. Unlike the United States and France, which have established compensation schemes for nuclear survivors (however insufficient), the United Kingdom claims its tests were safe. The UK Ministry of Defence has fought every legal challenge brought by the nuclear veterans, who attribute many illnesses to their presence on Christmas Island.
** Catherine Putz, [https://thediplomat.com/2017/09/grappling-with-the-bomb-60-years-after-britains-pacific-hydrogen-bomb-tests/ &quot;Grappling with the Bomb: 60 Years After Britain’s Pacific Hydrogen Bomb Tests&quot;], ''The Diplomat''. (September 30, 2017).

== R ==
[[File:Excalibur_firing.png|thumb|I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete. ~ [[Ronald Reagan]]]]
* Suddenly, there was an enormous flash of [[light]], the brightest light I have ever seen or that I think anyone has ever seen. It blasted; it pounced; it bored its way into you. It was a [[vision]] which was seen with more than the [[Eyes|eye]]. It was seen to last forever. You would wish it would stop; altogether it lasted about two seconds. 
** {{W|Isidor Isaac Rabi}}, witnessing the first atomic bomb test explosion, in ''Science: the Center of Culture'' (1970), 139. 

* The [[w:Pokhran test|Pokhran test]] was a bomb, I can tell you now.... An [[w:explosion|explosion]] is an explosion, a [[gun]] is a gun, whether you shoot at someone or shoot at the ground.... I just want to make clear that the test was not all that [[peaceful]].
** [[w:Raja Ramanna|Raja Ramanna]], speaking to the ''Press Trust of India'', (10 October 1997).

* I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete.
** [[Ronald Reagan]] concerning his proposed Strategic Defense Initiative, later to be known as 'Star Wars.' National address (23 March 1983)

* Now, for decades, we and the Soviets have lived under the threat of [[mutual assured destruction]] - if either resorted to the use of nuclear weapons, the other could retaliate and destroy the one who had started it. Is there either logic or morality in believing that if one side threatens to kill tens of millions of our people our only recourse is to threaten killing tens of millions of theirs? I have approved a research program to find, if we can, a security shield that will destroy nuclear missiles before they reach their target. It wouldn't kill people; it would destroy weapons. It wouldn't militarize space; it would help demilitarize the arsenals of Earth. It would render nuclear weapons obsolete. We will meet with the Soviets, hoping that we can agree on a way to rid the world of the threat of nuclear destruction.
**[[Ronald Reagan]], [https://www.reaganlibrary.gov/archives/speech/inaugural-address-1985 Inaugural Address 1985] (21 January 1985)

* The two blocs were also nuclear arsenals. In August 1949 the Soviet Union tested an atomic bomb, signalling an end to America’s monopoly. Then in 1953–4 tests of hydrogen bombs by both sides presaged weapons of far greater power. Reading reports of America’s H-bomb tests, Churchill murmured that the world was now as far from the era of the atomic bomb as the atomic bomb had been from the bow and arrow. The launch of [[w:Sputnik|Sputnik]]—the first artificial earth [[satellite]]—in 1957 showed that the Soviets now possessed a missile of sufficient range to land a nuclear warhead on the United States within thirty minutes. For the first time, [[Americas|continental America]] was vulnerable to weapons of mass destruction, creating public paranoia comparable to that which had gripped Britain in the 1930s. Both blocs in the [[Cold War]] raced to build up their nuclear arsenals. While each side sought to deter the other from outright attack or nuclear blackmail, the cost of the arms race imposed grave burdens on their economies.
** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings That Changed the World'' (2007), p. 164 

* I'm in the middle of writing a book about American disarmament. And it's kept me deeply depressed. Because in order to study disarmament, you first have to study American armament.    We've been the most irresponsible nuclear power the world has ever seen. Some people may say, &quot;but we've only used nuclear weapons once.&quot; But that's not true. You don't just use nuclear weapons by dropping them. When you realize how many times we've put them on the table and considered using them, it's incredible...
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* It's ironic that the... the one [[President of the United States|President]] the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] love to hate more than [[George W. Bush]] -- [[Ronald Reagan|Ronald Wilson Reagan]] -- was actually the most responsible President we've had regarding nuclear weapons since [[Eisenhower]].  He sat down with [[Mikhail Gorbachev|Gorbachev]] and we got incredibly close to eliminating all nuclear weapons. We got rid of two classes of nuclear weapons and were moving in the direction of greater [[w:arms reduction|arms reduction]] &lt;br&gt; In terms of sheer numbers our nuclear arsenal kept growing. We'd eliminate one thing then make more of something else. It was a shell game.... Have we ever actually significantly reduced the number of nuclear arms with intent to permanently shrink the arsenal?  Well no, not yet. But Reagan was at least moving in that direction. He's the only president who considered going down [in number of nuclear weapons]. But we have built new classes of weapons. Nuclear weapons are now a part of our defense policy, and we even consider the use of nuclear weapons in a non-nuclear environment.
** [[Scott Ritter]],  [http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/Content?oid=oid%3A42834  Scott Ritter Says Controversial Things About Clinton, Bush, Fox News, the Surge, etc., Interview with the ''Memphis Flyer''], (May 2008)

* Nuclear weapon: an agency reserved for use by the most civilized nations for the settlement of disputes that might become troublesome if left unadjusted. Unfortunately, too many formerly uncivilized nations are becoming civilized.
**[[w:Leonard Rossiter|Leonard Rossiter]] in the ''Devil's Bedside Book''

* When India and Pakistan conducted their nuclear tests in 1998, even those of us who condemned them, balked at the hypocrisy of Western nuclear powers. Implicit in their denunciation of the tests was the notion that [[Black people|Blacks]] cannot be trusted with the Bomb. Now we are presented with the spectacle of our governments competing to confirm that belief.
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It’s not just the one million soldiers on the border who are living on hair-trigger alert. It’s all of us. That’s what nuclear bombs do. Whether they’re used or not, they violate everything that is humane. They alter the meaning of life itself.  Why do we tolerate them? Why do we tolerate these men who use nuclear weapons to blackmail the entire human race?
** Arundhati Roy, [https://www.counterpunch.org/2002/06/02/war-talk/ War Talk, ''CounterPunch''], (June 2, 2002)

* It's so frightening, the [[nationalism]] in the air... It can be used to do anything. I know that '''a world in which countries are stockpiling nuclear weapons and using them in the ways that India and Pakistan and America do to oppress others and to deceive their own people is a dangerous world.'''
** [[Arundhati Roy|Arundhati Roy]],  [https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-arundhati-roy-Barsamian/ Interview with David Barsamian,  ''The Progressive'' magazine], (July 16, 2007)

* Amazing, the respect that nuclear weapons bring.
** [[Rudy Rucker]] in ''The Sex Sphere'', p. 74

== S ==
[[File:Streichholz.jpg|thumb|Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. ~ [[Carl Sagan]]]]
* Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches. The other has seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger. Well that's the kind of situation we are actually in. The amount of weapons that are available to the United States and the Soviet Union are so bloated, so grossly in excess of what's needed to dissuade the other, that if it weren't so tragic, it would be laughable. What is necessary is to reduce the matches and to clean up the gasoline. 
** [[Carl Sagan]], during a panel discussion in ABC News Viewpoint following the TV movie The Day After (20 Nov 1983). Misquoted as “The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.” 

* The atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by a wise God.
**[[Phyllis Schlafly]], quoted in Rosemary Chalk, &quot;Women and the National Security Debate&quot;, in ''[[w:Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists|Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]]'', August/September 1982.

*'''[[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]]''': At one point we only thought we needed 50 to 200 nuclear weapons to annihilate the [[Soviet Union]], and by the 1960's we had 32,000.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': One of the weapons in particular went through all of its arming steps to detonate, and when that weapon hit the ground, a firing signal was sent. And the only thing that prevented a full-scale detonation of a powerful hydrogen bomb in North Carolina was a single safety switch.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

*'''Eric Schlosser''': During a [[fire]], solder might melt on a circuit board. It created all kinds of new [[electrical]] pathways that could completely circumvent a [[safety]] device.
** [[w:Eric Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]], [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/command-and-control/#transcript &quot;Command and Control&quot;], ''American Experience'', ''PBS'', (April 25, 2017).

* Nuclear weapons are the most lethal machines ever invented, but the deterrence they provide is something intangible. &quot;The central objective of a deterrent weapon system… is [[psychological]],&quot; a classified Pentagon report once explained. &quot;The mission is [[persuasion]].&quot;
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In 1946, the US conducted its first postwar tests of the atomic bomb. One of these tests sought to discover the effect of a nuclear blast on a fleet of warships. The results were discouraging. Of the 88 ships moored near the point of detonation, in the Bikini atoll, only five sank. The Evaluation Of The Atomic Bomb As A Military Weapon, a top-secret report sent to [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]], concluded that &quot;ships at sea&quot; and &quot;bodies of troops&quot; were poor targets. &quot;The bomb is pre-eminently a weapon for use against human life and activities in large urban and industrial areas,&quot; the report argued. Such weapons were useful, most of all, for killing and terrorising civilians. According to the report, some of the best targets were &quot;[[cities]] of especial [[sentimental]] significance&quot;.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* [[The Pentagon]]'s official list of &quot;broken arrows&quot; – mishaps with nuclear weapons that might threaten the public – mentions 32 accidents. Yet a 1970 study by one of America's nuclear weapon laboratories, obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, stated that at least 1,200 weapons were involved in accidents between 1950 and 1968. Most of these accidents were trivial, but a number of serious ones were somehow omitted from the Pentagon's list. Moreover, the risk of accidental nuclear detonations was not fully understood by American weapon designers until the late 1960s, and it proved far greater than expected. A [[Airplane|plane]] crash, a [[fire]], a missile explosion, [[lightning]], human error, even dropping a [[weapon]] from an aircraft parked on a runway were found to be potential causes of a nuclear explosion.
** Eric Schlosser, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/14/nuclear-weapons-accident-waiting-to-happen &quot;Nuclear weapons: an accident waiting to happen&quot;], ''The Guardian'', (14 Sep 2013).

* In the 1960 presidential election, [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] had cynically attacked [[Richard Nixon]] from the right, claiming that the [[Ike|Ike Eisenhower]]-Nixon administration had allowed a dangerous “missile gap” to grow in the U.S.S.R.’s favor. But in fact, just as Eisenhower and Nixon had suggested—and just as the classified briefings that Kennedy received as a presidential candidate indicated—the missile gap, and the nuclear balance generally, was overwhelmingly to America’s advantage. At the time of the missile crisis, the Soviets had 36 [[w:Intercontinental_ballistic_missiles|intercontinental ballistic missiles]] (ICBMs), 138 [[w:strategic_bombers|long-range bombers]] with 392 nuclear warheads, and 72 [[w:Submarine-launched_ballistic-missile_warheads|submarine-launched ballistic-missile warheads]] (SLBMs). [[Soviet Armed Forces|These forces]] were arrayed against a vastly more powerful U.S. nuclear arsenal of 203 ICBMs, 1,306 long-range bombers with 3,104 nuclear warheads, and 144 SLBMs—all told, about nine times as many nuclear weapons as the U.S.S.R. [[Nikita Khrushchev]] was acutely aware of America’s huge advantage not just in the number of weapons but in their quality and deployment as well.
** Benjamin Schwarz, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/01/the-real-cuban-missile-crisis/309190/ “The Real Cuban Missile Crisis”], ''The Atlantic'', January/February 2013.

* To my knowledge there are no written accounts of Fermi’s contributions to the [first atomic bomb] testing problems, nor would it be easy to reconstruct them in detail. This, however, was one of those occasions in which Fermi’s dominion over all physics, one of his most startling characteristics, came into its own. The problems involved in the Trinity test ranged from hydrodynamics to nuclear physics, from optics to thermodynamics, from geophysics to nuclear chemistry. Often they were closely interrelated, and to solve one’it was necessary to understand all the others. Even though the purpose was grim and terrifying, it was one of the greatest physics experiments of all time. Fermi completely immersed himself in the task. At the time of the test he was one of the very few persons (or perhaps the only one) who understood all the technical ramifications. 
** {{w|Emilio Segrè}} in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 145 

* The most striking impression was that of an overwhelming bright light. I had seen under similar conditions the explosion of a large amount—100 tons—of normal explosives in the April test, and I was flabbergasted by the new spectacle. We saw the whole [[sky]] flash with unbelievable brightness in spite of the very dark glasses we wore. Our eyes were accommodated to darkness, and thus even if the sudden light had been only normal daylight it would have appeared to us much brighter than usual, but we know from measurements that the flash of the bomb was many times brighter than the sun. In a fraction of a second, at our distance, one received enough light to produce a sunburn. I was near Fermi at the time of the explosion, but I do not remember what we said, if anything. I believe that for a moment I thought the explosion might set fire to the atmosphere and thus finish the earth, even though I knew that this was not possible. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147.

* [After the flash of the atomic bomb test explosion] [[Enrico Fermi|Fermi]] got up and dropped small pieces of paper … a simple experiment to measure the energy liberated by the explosion … [W]hen the front of the shock wave arrived (some seconds after the flash) the pieces of paper were displaced a few centimeters in the direction of propagation of the shock wave. From the distance of the source and from the displacement of the [[air]] due to the shock wave, he could calculate the energy of the explosion. This Fermi had done in advance having prepared himself a table of numbers, so that he could tell immediately the energy liberated from this crude but simple measurement. … It is also typical that his answer closely approximated that of the elaborate official measurements. The latter, however, were available only after several days’ study of the records, whereas Fermi had his within seconds. 
** Emilio Segrè in ''Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 147-148. 

* In an enterprise such as the building of the atomic bomb the difference between ideas, hopes, suggestions and theoretical calculations, and solid numbers based on measurement, is paramount. All the committees, the politicking and the plans would have come to naught if a few unpredictable nuclear cross sections had been different from what they are by a factor of two. 
** Emilio Segrè, ''Epigraph in Richard Rhodes, The Making of the Atomic Bomb'' (1986), 8. 

* If some nuclear properties of the [[w:Heavy_elements|heavy elements]] had been a little different from what they turned out to be, it might have been impossible to build a bomb. 
** {{W|Emilio Segrè}}, ''In Enrico Fermi: Physicist'' (1970), 149.

* On the morning of Sept. 14, 1954, in the [[w:Ural Mountains|Ural Mountains]] about 600 miles southeast of [[Moscow]], the [[Soviet Armed Forces|Soviet military]] exploded an atomic bomb in the air near 45,000 [[Red Army]] troops and thousands of civilians as part of a military exercise. &lt;br&gt; How many people were killed or maimed or became ill as a result of the exercise may never be known. But a film of the test recently obtained from secret Soviet military archives sheds new light on the often reckless nuclear testing during the [[cold war]] and the use of people as guinea pigs, nuclear specialists say.
** Marlise Simons, [https://www.nytimes.com/1993/11/07/world/soviet-atom-test-used-thousands-as-guinea-pigs-archives-show.html &quot;Soviet Atom Test Used Thousands As Guinea Pigs, Archives Show&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (Nov. 7, 1993).

* There was a lot of protest after [[w:Castle Bravo|Bravo]], from countries like India, for example. India was the first country which came forward and proposed at the United Nations that all of these nuclear tests should be stopped, that there should be a complete ban on nuclear testing.
** Martha Smith, historian, in [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/filmmore/reference/interview/marthasmith01.html &quot;Martha Smith on: The Impact of the Bravo Test&quot;] a PBS interview for ''Race for the Superbomb'' on ''American Experience''

* [[w:Submarine|Submarine]] building proceeded at a furious pace in the early 1960s, as the United States strove to deploy a major component of its Strategic Triad. From 1960 to 1966 the [[U.S. Navy]] launched a total of 41 SSBNs, called the &quot;41 for Freedom.&quot; All were named for eminent figures in American history and divided among the 5-ship George Washingtonclass, the 5-ship Ethan Allen class, and the 31-ship Lafayette/Franklin class.Initially, each boat carried 16 [[w:Polaris missiles|Polaris nuclear missiles]] that could be launched underwater toward distant targets.
** ''Smithsonian'', [https://americanhistory.si.edu/subs/const/anatomy/boomers/index.html &quot;Boomers&quot;], ''American History''.

* The dropping of the Atomic Bomb is a very deep problem... Instead of commemorating Hiroshima we should celebrate... man's triumph over the problem [of transmutation], and not its first misuse by politicians and military authorities. 
** [[Frederick Soddy]] address to New Europe Group meeting on the third anniversary of the Hiroshima bomb. Quoted in New Europe Group, In Commemoration of Professor Frederick Soddy (1956), 6-7. 

* They asked me what I thought of the atomic bomb. I said I had not been able to take any interest in it.
**[[Gertrude Stein]], [http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stein-atom-bomb.html &quot;Reflection on the Atomic Bomb&quot;] (1946).

* [The surplus of basic knowledge of the atomic nucleus was] largely used up [during the war with the atomic bomb as the dividend.] We must, without further delay restore this surplus in preparation for the important peacetime job for the nucleus - power production. ... Many of the proposed applications of atomic power - even for interplanetary rockets - seem to be within the realm of possibility provided the economic factor is ruled out completely, and the doubtful physical and chemical factors are weighted heavily on the optimistic side. ... The development of economic atomic power is not a simple extrapolation of knowledge gained during the bomb work. It is a new and difficult project to reach a satisfactory answer. Needless to say, it is vital that the atomic policy legislation now being considered by the congress recognizes the essential nature of this peacetime job, and that it not only permits but encourages the cooperative research-engineering effort of industrial, government and university laboratories for the task &lt;br&gt; We must learn how to generate the still higher energy particles of the cosmic rays - up to 1,000,000,000 volts, for they will unlock new domains in the nucleus. 
** {{w|C. Guy Suits}} Addressing the American Institute of Electrical Engineering, in New York (24 Jan 1946). In ''Schenectady Gazette'' (25 Jan 1946)

== T ==
* Knowing he [Bob Serber] was going to the [first atom bomb] test, I asked him how he planned to deal with the danger of rattlesnakes. He said, 'I'll take along a bottle of [[whiskey]].' … I ended by asking, 'What would you do about those possibilities [of what unknown phenomena might cause a nuclear explosion to propagate in the atmosphere]?' Bob replied, 'Take a second bottle of whiskey.' 
** [[Edward Teller]] with Judith L. Shoolery, Memoirs: A Twentieth-Century Journey in Science and Politics (2001), 211.

* The fact is that nuclear weapons have prevented not only nuclear war but conventional war in Europe for forty years.
** [[Margaret Thatcher]], Speech at Lord mayor's Banquet 1986. Quoted in ''One of Us:A Biography of Margaret Thatcher'' by Hugo Young, Macmillan, 1989 (p. 480).

* The greatest [[man]]-made [[threat]] to [[U.S.]] [[survival]] is nuclear weapons.  [[Russia]] already has the capacity to obliterate our [[civilization]], and [[China]] soon could.  As the number of nuclear powers increases, the prospects for preserving a stable deterrence regime diminishes.  However, the U.S. only spent 1-2% of its defense budget on missile defenses during the period from 2003-2014, about $92 billion in then-year dollars.  If the $1.7 trillion wasted on [[Iraq War|Iraq]] had instead been used to develop and deploy a comprehensive [[w:missile defense system|missile defense system]], the U.S. today would be on the verge of being able to defeat all but the biggest nuclear attacks before warheads could reach the American homeland.
** Loren Thompson , [https://www.forbes.com/sites/lorenthompson/2014/06/27/iraq-opportunity-costs-what-america-could-have-had-if-it-never-invaded/#54c96dbd773a “Iraq Opportunity Costs: What America Could Have Had If It Never Invaded”], ''Forbes'', (Jun 27, 2014).

* '''The news today about &quot;[[Atomic bombs]]&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes''': calmly plotting the destruction of the [[world]]! Such explosives in men's hands, while their [[moral]] and [[intellectual]] status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you [[hope]] &quot;this will ensure [[peace]]&quot;. But one good thing may arise out of it, I suppose, if the write-ups are not overheated: [[Japan]] ought to cave in. Well we're in [[God]]'s hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J. R. R. Tolkien]], from a letter to his son [[w:Christopher Tolkien|Christopher Tolkien]] (9 August, 1945) in ''[[w:The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien|The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien]]'' (1981) 

* Sixteen hours ago an American airplane dropped one bomb on Hiroshima, an important [[Imperial Japanese Army|Japanese Army]] base. That bomb had more power than 20,000 tons of TNT....&lt;br&gt;With this bomb we have now added a new and revolutionary increase in destruction to supplement the growing power of our armed forces...&lt;p&gt;It is an atomic bomb. It is a harnessing of the basic power of the universe. The force from which the sun draws its power has been loosed against those who brought war to the Far East....&lt;br&gt;Having found the bomb we have used it. We have used it against those who attacked us without warning at Pearl Harbor, against those who have starved and beaten and executed American prisoners of war, against those who have abandoned all pretense of obeying international laws of warfare. We have used it in order to shorten the agony of war, in order to save the lives of thousands and thousands of young Americans.&lt;br&gt;We shall continue to use it until we completely destroy Japan’s power to make war. Only a Japanese surrender will stop us.
** [[Harry Truman]], radio address to the American people, following the bombing of Hiroshima, Japan (August 6 1945).

* I am not sure it can ever be used... I don't think we ought to use this thing unless we absolutely have to. It is a terrible thing to order the use of something that is so terribly destructive, destructive beyond anything we have ever had. You have got to understand that this isn’t a military weapon. It is used to wipe out women and children and unarmed people, and not for military uses. So we have got to treat this differently from rifles and cannon and ordinary things like that.
**[[Harry Truman]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=7UXSMj3OF4oC&amp;pg=PA344&amp;lpg=PA344&amp;dq=%22It+is+used+to+wipe+out+women+and+children+and+unarmed+people,+and+not+for+military+uses.+So+we+have+got+to+treat+this+differently+from+rifles+and+cannon+and+ordinary+things+like+that.%E2%80%9D&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=xoePU9q9JU&amp;sig=Lxl_x7toU7Y3oD_zKKSZQ2zD29k&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCgQ6AEwA2oVChMIw7D1wb6dxwIVSjI-Ch3ibAd2#v=onepage&amp;q=%22It%20is%20used%20to%20wipe%20out%20women%20and%20children%20and%20unarmed%20people%2C%20and%20not%20for%20military%20uses.%20So%20we%20have%20got%20to%20treat%20this%20differently%20from%20rifles%20and%20cannon%20and%20ordinary%20things%20like%20that.%E2%80%9D&amp;f=false ''Harry S. Truman: A Life''], by Robert H. Ferrell, p. 344

* The atom bomb was no “great decision.” It was used in the war, and for your information, there were more people killed by fire bombs in [[Tokyo]] than dropping of the atomic bombs accounted for. It was merely another powerful weapon in the arsenal of righteousness. The dropping of the bombs stopped the war, save millions of lives. 
** [[Harry Truman]] in reply to a question at a symposium, Columbia University, NYC (28 April 1959). In Truman Speaks (1960), 67. 

* The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not [[global warming]].
** [[Donald Trump]], first presidential debate, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}'' (26 September 2016)

==V==
* With the end of the [[Second World War]], the [[Soviet Union]] was now high on the list of tyrannical enemies of democracy, and [[American]] nuclear weapons development and strategic theory were fashioned with that enemy foremost in mind. [[Robert Oppenheimer|Oppenheimer]]’s sympathy for [[Communism]], his enthusiasm for [[world government]] as the ultimate arbiter of nuclear technology, and his qualms about the proposed second generation of nuclear weapons, played a critical role in the history of the [[Cold War]] and in the precipitous course of his subsequent career. Already, in the fall of 1945, when [[Edward Teller]] was pressing for immediate development of the hydrogen bomb (the “Super,” as it was called), Oppenheimer responded coldly and tersely: “I neither can nor will do so.” Oppenheimer regarded the Super as a [[genocidal]] weapon: its only conceivable purpose would be the destruction of civilian populations by the millions — and ideally in the tens or hundreds of millions. The sole end of war with H-bombs would be annihilation. The peace that such a war would bring would be that of the mass grave; and if there were any survivors, they would likely prefer to have been among the dead. [[Civilization]] would have to be reconstituted from radioactive ash. &lt;br&gt; And yet the undeniable perfidy of the [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] Soviet Union convinced even Oppenheimer that the Atomic Energy Commission (AEC), created to oversee the use of atoms for peace, would be above all the instrument of war. In 1947, Oppenheimer declared that the agency’s main job was to “provide atomic weapons and good atomic weapons and many atomic weapons.” And Oppenheimer wanted to be the moving force in this work, despite his ever-deepening moral qualms. &lt;br&gt; But Oppenheimer was never of one mind for long. The Soviets’ test of an atomic bomb in 1949 propelled him back to the internationalist position he had taken just after the war, believing that a single world organization should govern the nuclear policies of every individual nation. While Edward Teller insisted that the Super was needed now more than ever, Oppenheimer huffed, “Keep your shirt on.” He joined Enrico Fermi and other eminent physicists in lobbying [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]]’s former vice-president [[Henry A. Wallace|Henry Wallace]] to stop H-bomb development, “primarily because we should prefer defeat in war to victory obtained at the expense of the enormous human disaster that would be caused by its determined use.” To possess a weapon of incalculable potency — some theoreticians feared it could ignite the atmosphere in an explosive chain reaction and destroy the earth — would pose graver dangers than not to have one at all.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* While Oppenheimer was making the case for tactical nuclear weapons, useful on the battlefield, the Strategic Air Command’s war plan emphasized a massive and decisive nuclear first strike in the event of a conventional Soviet attack on [[Western Europe]]. According to Bird and Sherwin, the H-bomb advocates were so obsessed with the threat of Communism that they believed “Oppenheimer’s championing of tactical nuclear weapons was a ploy to block the Super Bomb.” Teller went so far as to spread the word that in trying to block the H-bomb Oppenheimer was acting on “direct orders from Moscow.” Teller may have been out of control, the Strategic Air Command may have been defending its turf, and Strauss may have been seeking personal revenge against Oppenheimer, but all the same, the gravest matters were at stake. The Soviet Union was a real threat that needed to be confronted with [[sobriety]]; seeing the defenders of the H-bomb as [[fanatics]] and [[conspiracy theorists]] foolishly belittles the [[existential]] [[challenge]] America was then just beginning to face.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

* [[Machiavelli]], so widely considered the founding father of modern political morality, or immorality, understood prudence, or the ability to choose among possible courses of action, as the sine qua non of the conqueror. But in the atomic age, the foremost aim of prudence among more or less decent nations is no longer to conquer but to avoid annihilation, while also avoiding the evil of annihilating the enemy — i.e., nuclear genocide. In October 1949, the General Advisory Committee to the AEC recommended that “a super bomb should never be produced” — that it “might become a weapon of genocide.” Oppenheimer was one of the signatories. To assume that the Soviet enemy would share this American scrupulousness was the committee’s fallacy; and to make such an assumption of [[Stalin]] was the depth of folly.
** Algis Valiunas, [https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-agony-of-atomic-genius &quot;The Agony of Atomic Genius&quot;], ''[[w:The New Atlantis (journal)|The New Atlantis]]'', Number 14, Fall 2006, pp. 85-104.

== W ==
* The only use for an atomic bomb is to keep somebody else from using one. It can give us no protection—only the doubtful satisfaction of retaliation...&lt;p&gt;Nuclear weapons offer us nothing but a balance of terror, and a balance of terror is still terror. 
** {{W|George Wald}}, from speech given at an anti-war teach-in at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, (4 Mar 1969) 'A Generation in Search of a Future', as edited by Ron Dorfman for Chicago Journalism Review, (May 1969). 

* I used to worry about the fact that [General Power] had control over so many weapons and weapon systems and could, under certain conditions, launch the force. Back in the days before we had real positive control [i.e., PAL locks], SAC had the power to do a lot of things, and it was in his hands, and he knew it.
** [[w:Horace M. Wade|Horace M. Wade]], qtd. in Peter D. Feaver: ''Armed Servants: Agency, Oversight, and Civil-Military Relations''. Harvard University Press, Cambridge 2005, ISBN 978-0-674-01761-0, S. 151.

* The only absolute defence against nuclear weapons is to do away with them.
** [[w:Francis Wheen|Francis Wheen]], &quot;Dr. Stranglove, I Presume&quot;, ''The Guardian'', 12th April 2000.

* When [[A. J. P. Taylor]], having described with lurid relish the effect of a nuclear explosion, asked &quot;Is there anyone here who would want to do this to another human being?&quot; there was a complete hush until he yelled, to thunderous applause, &quot;''Then why are we making the damned things?''&quot;
** [[w:David Widgery|David Widgery]], on Taylor's speech at a February 1958 [[w:Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament|CND]] meeting. In &quot;Don't You Hear the H-Bomb's Thunder?&quot; in David Widgery, ''The Left in Britain'', 1976, (p.101).

*'''Nuclear weapons are a symptom of conflict, fear, insecurity, and a drive to dominate.''' Denuclearization will follow more naturally and easily with decreased tensions and improved relationships.  Sanctions are a form of economic warfare with a high rate of failure. Punitive, coercive policies do not always achieve the best outcomes. Sanctions harm innocent people, escalate conflicts and can put us on a path to war. They can provoke targeted populations to rally round the flag, support hardliners and inflame resentment against America.  We can achieve superior outcomes with clear-eyed respect and steps towards thawing the ice.
**[[Marianne Williamson]] in [https://www.cfr.org/article/marianne-williamson Candidates Answer CFR's QuestionsMarianne Williamso''Council on Foreign Relations''], August 16, 2019

==Y==
[[File:342-usaf-11034_Medical_Aspects-Hiroshima.webm|thumb|Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. ~ Hidehiko Yuzaki]]
* Despite nuclear abolition being the long-awaited wish of all A-Bomb survivors, there are still more than 13,000 nuclear weapons in the world, with nuclear states continuing to modernize their nuclear forces. Moreover, nuclear disarmament continues to stagnate, further exacerbating global tensions.
** Hidehiko Yuzaki as quoted by Gayle Spinazze in [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], (January 27, 2021)

=== Zeeya Merali, [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/did-chinas-nuclear-tests/ “Did China's Nuclear Tests Kill Thousands and Doom Future Generations?”], ''Scientific American'', (July 1, 2009). ===
* Enver Tohti remembers the week that it rained [[dust]]. That summer of 1973 he was in elementary school in [[w:Xinjiang Province|Xinjiang Province]], China’s westernmost region, which is inhabited mostly by [[Uyghurs|Uygurs]], one of the country’s minority ethnic groups. “There were three days that earth fell from the sky, without wind or any sort of [[storm]]. The sky was deadly silent—no [[sun]], no [[moon]],” he recalls. When the kids asked what was happening, the teacher told them that there was a storm on [[Saturn]] (its [[Chinese language|Chinese]] name translates into “soil planet”). Tohti believed her. It was only years later that he realized it was radioactive dust raised by the test detonation of a nuclear bomb within the province.
* A few hundred thousand people may have died as a result of radiation from at least 40 nuclear explosions carried out between 1964 and 1996 at the [[w:Lop Nur|Lop Nur]] site in Xinjiang, which lies on the [[w:Silk_Road|Silk Road]]. Almost 20 million people reside in Xinjiang, and Tohti believes that they offer unique insight into the long-term impact of radiation, including the relatively little studied genetic effects that may be handed down over generations. 
* The figures came as little surprise to Tohti. Ironically, as a teenager, he was proud that his province was chosen for tests marking China’s technological and [[People's Liberation Army|military]] progress. His view changed when he became a physician and saw a disproportionate number of malignant [[lymphomas]], [[lung cancers]], [[leukemia]] cases, degenerative disorders and babies born with deformities. “Many doctors suspected this was connected to the tests, but we couldn’t say anything,” Tohti recalls. “We were warned away from researching by our superiors.”
* The Lop Nur project is just the tip of an international iceberg, remarks Abel Gonzalez of the Argentine Nuclear Regulatory Authority in Buenos Aires. Radiation researchers have had easy access to only three sites where nuclear blasts occurred—the U.S.’s site Bikini Atoll, the [[Soviet Union]]’s [[w:Semipalatinsk|Semipalatinsk]] site in [[Kazakhstan]] and [[France]]’s site in [[Polynesia]]—and these areas represent just a small fraction of the approximately 500 atmospheric tests the world has seen. “We have a moral responsibility to investigate all nuclear test sites,” Gonzalez says. Certainly for the Xinjiang people affected by the Lop Nur tests, truer words have never been spoken.
* Does repeated exposure to radiation affect [[w:germ-line|germ-line]] cells such that the same [[mutations]] get passed on, generation after generation? That is one question the Lop Nur project hopes to answer. The other two major instances of a large population exposure to radiation—the atomic bombs dropped over Hiroshima and Nagasaki—have produced no generational effects in survivors, points out Roy Shore, chief of research at the Radiation Effects Research Foundation in Hiroshima. But he adds that the exposure patterns vary. “The atomic bomb was an almost instantaneous exposure,” Shore explains. “We still need good data on radiation that has been delivered time and time again, over a long period—there may be different effects.”

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Pal_controller.jpg|thumb|200px|[S]ince the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections. ~ [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima]]
[[File:WMD_world_map.svg|thumb|You drop a [[bomb]], it falls on the [[just]] and [[unjust]]. I don't [[wish]] for the culmination for three centuries of [[physics]] to be a [[w:Weapon of mass destruction|weapon of mass destruction]]. ~ [[Christopher Nolan]]]]
[[File:Caroline_Grondin_2014_(Unsplash).jpg|thumb|An H-bomb would be one thousand times the power of an A-bomb. &lt;br&gt; The only intended target would be the largest [[cities]]. &lt;br&gt; It’s a weapon of mass [[genocide]]. ~ [[Christopher Nolan]]]]
*'''[[w:Solid Snake|Snake]]''': Do they really have the ability to launch a nuclear missile?
:'''Campbell''': They say they do. They even gave us the serial number of the warhead they plan to use.
:'''Snake''': Was the number confirmed?
:'''Campbell''': I'm afraid so. At the very least, they've got their hands on a real nuclear warhead.
:'''Snake''': Isn't there some kind of [[safety]] device to prevent this kind of [[terrorism]]?
:'''Campbell''': Yes. Every missile and warhead in our arsenal is equipped with a PAL, which uses a discreet detonation code.
:'''Snake''': PAL?
:'''Campbell''': [[w:Permissive Action Link|Permissive Action Link]]. A safety control system built into all  nuclear weapons systems. But even so, we can't rest easy.
:'''Snake''': Why not?
:'''Campbell''': Because the [[w:DARPA|DARPA]] Chief knows the detonation code.
:'''Snake''': But even if they have a nuclear warhead, it must've been removed from its missile. All the missiles on these disposal sites are supposed to be dismantled. It's not that easy to get your hands on an ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missle).
:'''Campbell''': That used to be true, but since the end of the [[Cold War]] you can get anything if you have enough [[money]] and the right connections.
:* [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] and Tomokazu Fukushima, ''[[Metal Gear Solid]]''. (1998).

* You drop a [[bomb]], it falls on the [[just]] and [[unjust]]. I don't [[wish]] for the culmination for three centuries of [[physics]] to be a [[w:Weapon of mass destruction|weapon of mass destruction]].
** [[Isidor Isaac Rabi|Isidor Rabi]] as interpreted by [[w:David Krumholtz|David Krumholtz]] in ''[[Oppenheimer (film)|Oppenheimer]]'' based on the 2005 biography ''[[w:American Prometheus|American Prometheus]]'' by [[w:Kai Bird|Kai Bird]] and [[w:Martin J. Sherwin|Martin J. Sherwin]]; written and directed by [[Christopher Nolan]].

* An H-bomb would be one thousand times the power of an A-bomb. &lt;br&gt; The only intended target would be the largest [[cities]]. &lt;br&gt; It’s a weapon of mass [[genocide]].
** [[Isidor Isaac Rabi|Isidor Rabi]] as interpreted by [[w:David Krumholtz|David Krumholtz]] in in ''[[Oppenheimer (film)|Oppenheimer]]'' based on the 2005 biography ''[[w:American Prometheus|American Prometheus]]'' by [[w:Kai Bird|Kai Bird]] and [[w:Martin J. Sherwin|Martin J. Sherwin]]; written and directed by [[Christopher Nolan]].

*'''J. Robert Oppenheimer''': Albert, when I came to you with those [[Mathematics|calculations]], we thought we might start a chain reaction that would destroy the entire [[world]]...
:'''Albert Einstein''': I remember it well. What of it?
:'''J. Robert Oppenheimer''': ''I believe we '''did.'''
:* [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]] as interpreted by [[w:Cillian Murphy|Cillian Murphy]] and [[Albert Einstein]] as interpreted by [[w:Tom Conti|Tom Conti]] in ''[[Oppenheimer (film)|Oppenheimer]]'' based on the 2005 biography ''[[w:American Prometheus|American Prometheus]]'' by [[w:Kai Bird|Kai Bird]] and [[w:Martin J. Sherwin|Martin J. Sherwin]]; written and directed by [[Christopher Nolan]].

== See also ==
* [[Anti-war movement]]
* [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
* [[Military-industrial complex|Military Industrial Complex]] 
* [[NATO]]
* [[Nuclear war]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons|Nuclear weapons}}

[[Category:Weapons of mass destruction]]
[[Category:Nuclear|weapons]]
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      <text bytes="35939" sha1="68u30eowgnoj2zrk3977u6l5ovng8kp" xml:space="preserve">{{Power Rangers header}}
'''''[[w: Power Rangers Wild Force|Power Rangers Wild Force]]''''' (often abbreviated as &quot;PRWF&quot;) was the 10th season of the [[Power Rangers]] series, based strongly on the [[Super Sentai]] series Hyakujuu Sentai Gaoranger (100 Beasts Squadron Growl Ranger). The series revolves around the 5 Wild Force Rangers, their Wild Zords and the floating island of Animaria. They battle against the evil orgs, creatures of pollution and destruction bent on the end of the world for humans.

===Lionheart===
:'''Turbine Org''': Didn't you learn your lesson?
:'''Taylor''': I Guess not! Now let me teach you something Org. I'm the Yellow Eagle Ranger, and Wild Force never gives up!
:'''Max''': Turbine Org! I'm the Blue Shark Ranger, and you're gonna feel my bite!
:'''Danny''': (Pushes Plug Org into a tree) Plug Org! Meet the Black Bison Ranger. Prepare to be stomped!
:''(Alyssa attacks Plug Org from above)''
:'''Plug Org''': Who do you think you are?
:'''Alyssa''': Thanks for asking! Tiger Ranger! ya!! Wild Force
:'''Cole''': (Trips up Plug Org) I'm the Red Lion Ranger, and your rampage ends here! Wild Force Rangers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''':I made it! I made it!
:'''Alyssa''': Cole? Is your name Cole?
:'''Taylor''': Sorry, jungle boy. You've just been drafted!

===Darkness Awakening===
:'''Toxica''': ''[about Master Org]'' There's something different about him. He feels just as evil as ever, but... his appearance!
:'''Jindrax''': So maybe he's put on a few years. You know, you're no spring Org yourself!
:'''Toxica''': Humph!
:'''Jindrax''': But you don't look a day over a thousand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': ''[after failing to sense a heartbeat in Barbed Wire Org]'' I can't hear anything. You don't ''have'' a heart!
:'''Barbed Wire Org''': And ''you'' don't have a brain!
:'''Cole''': Why are you doing this?!
:'''Barbed Wire Org''': Because Orgs exist for only one reason: To destroy and wreak havoc!

===Click, Click, Zoom===
:'''Camera Org''': This has developed into something quite negative!

===Never Give Up===
:'''Toxica''': How cute. The Rangers have a little girl on their team.
:'''Alyssa''': Yeah? Well it looks like the Orgs have a wrinkled old grandma on theirs!
:'''Toxica''': ''[gasps]'' You mean &quot;older sister&quot;!

===Ancient Awakening===
:''[Toxica and Jindrax bring the princess to the cave where Master Org is waiting for them]''
:'''Toxica''': We brought the princess to you as you commanded.
:''[she and Jindrax kneel before Master Org, who comes out of the shadows, shocking the princess]''
:'''Princess Shayla''': ''[gasps]'' Master Org!
:'''Master Org''': Recognize this? ''[gestures to a cave wall with a Wild Force carved symbol and approaches the princess]'' I know what power lies inside.
:'''Princess Shayla''': Another animal. ''[gasps]'' The one which Alyssa heard.
:'''Master Org''': Only one who's pure of heart can release its power.

===Wishes on the Water===
:'''Max''': I'm the Surging Shark!
:'''Ship Org''': More like the surging guppy!

===The Bear Necessities===
===Soul Searching===
:'''Cole''': Master Org.
:'''Master Org''': So, finally we meet.
:'''Cole''': You're the one responsible for all this destruction.
:'''Master Org''': Yes. Impressive, isn't it?
:'''Cole''': No, it's not impressive. It's pathetic! You're nothing but a coward!
:'''Master Org''': ''[in denial]'' I fear nothing! It is you who should be in fear!

===Soul Bird Salvation===
:'''Jindrax''': ''[about the Rangers]'' Look at them. They're so helpless, it's almost unfair.
:'''Toxica''': Since when do we care about being fair?
:'''Jindrax''': Good point!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jindrax''': Did anyone ever tell that yellow was the color of fear, as in &quot;yellow-bellied Power Ranger&quot;?
:'''Taylor''': At least I don't look like a clown!

===Curse of the Wolf===
:'''Cole''': Jungle Sword!
:'''Vacuum Cleaner Org''': I'm not afraid of that thing!
:'''Cole''': And that's your last mistake!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Alyssa''': ''[upon seeing her pan with no eggs left]'' Oh, no!
:''[she sees Cole on a tree, eating a sandwich made with eggs and toast)
:'''Alyssa''': Cole...!
:''[Cole gives her thumbs-up]''
:'''Cole''': ''[mouthful]'' You make the best eggs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Max''': ''[weakly]'' Cole, I thought you... made up that story about the wolf beast.
:'''Cole''': So did I.

===Battle of the Zords===
:''[Alyssa is ambushed in the forest by Jindrax and Toxica]''
:'''Alyssa''': You two!
:'''Jindrax''': The White Ranger all by her little lonesome.
:'''Toxica''': Little girls shouldn't walk in the forest alone.
:'''Alyssa''': ''[smirking]'' Neither should grandmas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Master Org''': You have handled Zen-Aku well, General Nayzor. The Rangers' end is at hand.
:'''Nayzor''': Your praise honors me, Master Org.
:'''Master Org''': Right now, he doesn't remember... but soon he will. I need Zen-Aku to destroy the Rangers before that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Princess Shayla''': The Wild Zords that Zen-Aku commands used to be good, like your Zords. But he's so powerful he can make them do whatever he wants... even evil.
:'''Alyssa''': ''[breathes heavily]'' Does that mean he can turn my elephant into one of those evil Wild Zords, too?
:'''Princess Shayla''': I don't know.

===Predazord, Awaken===
:'''Master Org''': Do you recognize me?
:'''Zen-Aku''': No, but you do not seem to fit here, just like me.
:'''Master Org''': We have other things in common, too.
:'''Zen-Aku''': No, we don't. ''[leaves]''
:'''Master Org''': He doesn't remember. ''[laughs]''

===Revenge of Zen-Aku===
:'''Zen-Aku''': Revenge isn't something you rush.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zen-Aku''': Two crystals, most Rangers only lose ''one''.

===Identity Crisis===
===The Ancient Warrior===
===The Lone Wolf===
===Power Play===
:'''Jindrax''': Toxica! I had no idea that was you!
:'''Toxica''': Obviously! &quot;Old witch&quot;, huh?
:'''Jindrax''': I meant that in the nicest possible way...

===Secrets and Lies===
:'''Taylor''': I'm going in and get him.
:'''Alyssa''': Wait. Maybe you shouldn't.
:'''Taylor''': We've got to get his memory back before 'Jungle Boy' thinks he's really a 'Farm Boy'.
:'''Alyssa''': But, he's so happy now! Maybe, it's better we let him live this life... But if we make him remember, we're gonna have to tell him about this. ''[gives the newspaper article paper to Taylor]''
:'''Taylor''': ''[reads]'' &quot;Tragic accident in Amazon jungle. Three scientist and baby from Turtle Cove presumed Dead.&quot;
:''[Taylor, Danny and Max are shocked]''
:'''Max''': Maybe Alyssa's right... he'd be better off not knowing.
:'''Taylor''': Good or bad... he should know the truth. And besides, we need Cole. He's our leader. And leading the Rangers is the path, he chose. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Toxica''': We have to learn the truth about Master Org.
:'''Jindrax''': Look, I can see the truth. He's our boss, and if we don't do what he says, he's gonna destroy us.
:'''Toxica''': Don't be so blind! Whenever i'm near the master, I can smell human.
:'''Jindrax''': Yuck.
:'''Toxica''': And besides I saw him move his horn once.
:'''Jindrax''': Maybe it was your imagination.
:'''Toxica''': But what if it wasn't? What if I'm right? ''[heads downstairs, Jindrax in hot pursuit]''
:'''Jindrax''': Wait! Don't go down there.
:'''Toxica''': How humiliating it would be to find out we've been bowing down to a human all this time.
:'''Jindrax''': Yuck. That's not even funny. ''[he and Toxica enter an old room with old belongings]'' This place gives me the creeps. Can't we do this some other time?
:'''Toxica''': No! I know there's got to be something around here that will prove I'm right. ''[spots a photo album and finds a copy of Cole's old family photo alongside with a third scientist]'' Jindrax, look at this! ''[gasps]''
:'''Jindrax''': It's Master Org!
:''[Master Org enters the room, shocking his Duke Orgs]''
:'''Toxica''': ''[holds up the photo and sees that Master Org is identical to the third scientist]'' You don't fright me, human! ''[throws the photo down]''
:'''Master Org''': How dare you to defy me again! I am the master!
:'''Toxica''': You're not ''my'' master! ''[blasts his helmet off, revealing that his horn and third eye are fake, shocking the Duke Orgs]''
:'''Jindrax''': No way! ''[Master Org smiles]'' You really ''are'' a human!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Rangers and Princess Shayla visit Cole's parents' graves, Cole is crying]''
:'''Cole''': I came all the way down here... to find my parents. And all I have left are these cold stones.
:'''Alyssa''': I'm sorry, Cole. I know how tough this is for you. But you're not alone.
:'''Cole''': I'll never see my parents again.
:'''Taylor''':  You don't know that for sure.
:'''Cole''': What're you talking about? ''[shows the newspaper article paper to Taylor]'' It says right here.
:'''Taylor''': ''[points at Cole's grave that is believed he had died]'' And it says right here you died. But, look... you're alive. Maybe your parents got lost in the jungle, too... like you did.

===Reinforcements from the Future===
====Pt. 1====
:''[The five Rangers are discussing with Princess Shayla about the recent Mut-Org attack]''
:'''Alyssa:''' Something about those Orgs is different!, and why did those other Rangers call them &quot;Mutants&quot;?
:'''Princess Shayla:''' You met other Power Rangers? ''[the Rangers nod]'' Well, were they nice?
:'''Cole, Max, Alyssa, and Danny:''' Yeah.
:'''Taylor:''' No!
:'''Max:''' Taylor especially liked the Quantum Ranger, Huh?
:''[Taylor walks off]''

====Pt. 2====
:'''Ransik''': It's all my fault. I was the one, who created the Mut-Orgs. ''[Flashback begins, narrating]'' ''In the years before I donned my mask, and started the most notorious crime gang in history, I was shunned by humans. Wandering aimlessly, I eked out an existence in the shadows of the Utopia, made possible by Time Force. It was in those shadows that I found others, forgotten by time.''
::''[Ransik visits the three statues]''
::'''Statue Org''': Release us!
::'''Ransik''': What are you?
::'''Statue Org''': We are Orgs. Humans imprisoned us in these stone tombs long ago.
::'''Ransik''': What do you want?
::'''Statue Org''': Revenge! Free us, so we can punish humans for this! We will give you great power for your help.
::'''Ransik''': If humans are your enemies, then our quest is the same! ''[frees the Orgs from the statues by using his power, then their spirits enter Ransik's mouth and get out of it]''
:'''Ransik''': ''The Orgs copied my mutant DNA, and created new bodies for themselves: Half mutant, half Org. That is how the Mut-Orgs came to be.''
::''[The Mut-Orgs appeared in new bodies, Ransik sees the sword coming out of his leg]''
:'''Ransik''': ''In return for my help, they made my entire body a weapon.''
::''[Ransik pulls the sword out of his leg and laughs evily, the Mut-Orgs leave]''
::''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ransik''': Back then I was filled with rage. I hungered for power. And because of it, I freed those monsters. But now, I have a chance to make things right and help you destroy them, if... you will trust me.
:'''Jen''': No matter how much we want to, we can't change the past. But we can work for a better future. ''[removes Ransik's handcuffs]''

===The Master's Last Stand===
:'''Master Org''': ''[out of options]'' If I'm going down, I'm taking the Rangers with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Dr. Adler? why are you doing this? I thought you were my parents' friend. ''[Dr. Adler transforms himself into Master Org, Cole is shocked]'' Dr. Adler is Master Org. Where are the others?
:'''Master Org''': There.
:''[Cole looks at his friends behind, trapped in slimy vines]''
:'''Danny''': Cole!
:'''Master Org''': They'll be destroyed soon, just like your ''parents''.
:'''Cole''': What?
:'''Master Org''': That's right. I finished off your parents, and I enjoyed every single minute of it. They begged me for mercy, so I gave it to them. I ended their worthless existence.
:'''Cole''': No. How? How could you do something like that?
:'''Master Org''': ''[laughs evily]'' It was easy. They deserved it after all the pain they caused me!
:'''Cole''': What are you talking about?
:'''Master Org''': Your parents were once my friends. I trusted them! I dedicated my whole life to our cause.
:''[Flashback begins in the lab]''
::'''Elizabeth''': You've done it!
:'''Master Org''': ''[narrating]'' ''We worked together day and night, trying to prove the existence of Animaria. We were a team, we were all going to the top together. But as time passed, I grew to love your mother and I know she shared my feelings as well.''
::'''Elizabeth''': Dr. Adler, so good to see you.
:'''Master Org''': ''Things would have been perfect.''
::'''Dr. Adler''': ''[hides the small box behind]'' I have something I'd like to talk to you about.
::'''Elizabeth''': But first, look. ''[happily shows Dr. Adler the wedding ring]'' Richard proposed! Isn't it great?
:'''Master Org''': ''Except...''
::'''Elizabeth''': We're getting married!
::''[Dr. Adler puts the small box in his pocket]''
:'''Master Org''': ''your father couldn't bear to see me succeed in anything,''
::'''Dr. Adler''': ''[a bit upset]'' Beautiful.
::''[Dr. Adler and Elizabeth hug each other]''
:'''Master Org''': ''even love, so he stole her away from me.''
::'''Richard''': ''[arrives]'' We did it. We got the grant.
:'''Master Org''': ''He betrayed me, he stole my one and ''only'' love.''
::''[Richard and Elizabeth hug each other happily, Dr. Adler gets upset]''
::'''Richard''': Oh, we're finally gonna prove once and for all that Animaria really did exist.
::''[Next scene in the same lab with Dr. Adler, Richard and Elizabeth]''
:'''Master Org''': ''But that's not all he stole, he stole my chance at a family...'' [Dr. Adler sees Richard hugging pregnant Elizabeth and throws angrily the pencil with his fingers] ''and my chance at fame.''
::''[Next scene in the press conference]''
::'''Male reporter''': What makes you think you'll find clues to Animaria in the Amazon? ''[Dr. Adler prepares to answer him but is interrupted]'' Richard?
::'''Richard''': We have uncovered fairly conclusive data that the key which will unlock the mystery of Animaria lies there... uh... somewhere.
::'''Female reporter''': How about a picture of the expedition team for the Turtle Cove Times?
::''[Richard, Elizabeth, baby Cole and Dr. Adler get photographed]''
::''[Next scene in the Amazon jungle]''
:'''Master Org''': ''I began to detest their mission to save the Earth, and nature became a prison, always reminding me of my betrayal.''
::'''Elizabeth''': Richard, Dr. Adler, come here. I found something. Come here, hurry! ''[Richard and Dr. Adler arrive]'' What is it? ''[tries to touch the small vine-wielding seed and moves her hand away scared]''
::'''Dr. Adler''': ''[realizes]'' The remnants of Master Org. I will destroy it, immediately. Just stay back. ''[contains the seeds in a plastic box]''
:'''Master Org''': ''At that moment I knew fate had led me to the release from my suffering.'' [Dr. Adler looks at Richard, Elizabeth and baby Cole inside their tent, and he closes his own, angry] ''I couldn't stand it any longer, so I did the only thing that I could: I would punish those who hurt me.'' [Dr. Adler opens the plastic box and eats the seeds] ''I knew that if I were to become Master Org, there would be nothing that could stand in my way. So I ate the seeds and the transformation began.''
::''[The next day, Dr. Adler drops the plastic box and becomes Master Org]''
::'''Dr. Adler/Master Org''': AND NOW! ''[laughs evily while Richard and Elizabeth are shocked by his transformation and run away]'' I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!
:'''Master Org''': ''I was no longer a weak human being.'' [Dr. Adler storms into the Evans' tent]''
::'''Richard''': You did it. You took the seeds, didn't you?
:'''Master Org''': ''I became Master Org!''
::''[Richard and Elizabeth try to flee from Dr. Adler but are caught and killed with his deadly vines]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Master Org''': All traces of my past had to be destroyed, all obstacles eliminated. And that just leaves you and me now.
:'''Cole''': ''[kneels horrified and heartbroken]'' All this time, I've been searching for my parents... only to find that they were betrayed... by a friend.
:'''Master Org''': It was my ''rightful'' revenge! ''[starts to attack Cole]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': You're not human... you have no heart.
:'''Master Org''': ''[laughs]'' That's right! I'm an Org now! And I'm going to enjoy watching you and your friends suffer... even MORE than your parents! ''[laughs again]''
:'''Cole''': No!
:''[Master Org tosses Cole around into the large pipe and he falls to the ground]''
:'''Master Org''': Take a deep breath now, because it will be your last.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': ''[grabs Master Org's arm]'' I swore with my life to protect all of nature. I'M A GUARDIAN OF THE EARTH! ''[yells, jumps and kicks Master Org]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': That's far enough!
:'''Master Org''': ''[enraged]'' You're the last reminder of my suffering! YOU WILL BE DESTROYED! ''[fires a very powerful beam from his staff at Cole]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Adler''': Hey, where you going? Huh?! Finish me. What, are you too much of a coward. Huh? ''[spits out]'' Why won't you finish me off?!
:'''Cole''': Haven't you learned anything? All that time, you spent pursuing revenge... and it only poisoned you. I won't take that path.
:''[The Rangers leave Dr. Adler alone, and he gets angered by his defeat]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Viktor Adler, defeated and defenseless, climbs to the top of a cliff, where Toxica and Jindrax are waiting for him]''
:'''Jindrax''': Well, well, well, well, well, look who's came crawling back.
:'''Dr. Adler''': You two. I am still your master!
:'''Toxica''': We don't take orders from a human.
:'''Jindrax''': ''[laughs]'' That's you.
:'''Toxica''': We have a ''real'' Org as our master now.
:'''Dr. Adler''': What?
:'''Jindrax''': See for yourself.
:''[Jindrax and Toxica move aside revealing the new Org general they resurrected earlier]''
:'''Mandilok''': ''[laughs]'' The real Master Org died 3,000 years ago, and is never coming back! Which makes me, Mandilok, the most powerful Org alive!
:''[Dr. Adler is enraged and tries to attack Mandilok]''
:'''Dr. Adler''': ''[last words]'' You will regret this someday!
:'''Mandilok''': Have a nice trip! ''[pushes Adler over the cliff while it, Jindrax and Toxica laugh]'' We have work to do! Come on! Let's go!
:'''Toxica''': Right!
:'''Jindrax''': ''[to Adler]'' See ya next fall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cole visits his parents' graves with Rangers and Princess Shayla]''
:'''Cole''': At least now I know what really happened to you. You'll be happy to hear that-- that you were right. Animaria did exist. My friends and I are... are using its power to protect the Earth, so... in a way... we're continuing your work. You can rest in peace now. It's all over. ''[puts the rose on his mother's grave]'' I love you, mom. ''[puts the rose on his father's grave]'' I love you, dad.

===Unfinished Business===
:'''Zen-Aku''': Surprised to see me, Merrick?
:'''Merrick''': This is impossible! I broke your curse!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(The Rangers discover Merrick battling Zen-Aku)''
:'''Danny''': Zen-Aku?
:'''Cole''': I don't understand. How could they be fighting each other?
:'''Max''': I thought Merrick ''was'' Zen-Aku?
:'''Cole''': We have to help him! ''(The Rangers reach for their Growl Phones)''
:'''Merrick''': NO! I have to fight him alone! This is my fight, not yours!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zen-Aku''': After 3,000 years together you think you can escape me?
:'''Merrick''': But I broke the mask!
:'''Zen-Aku''': Yes, and we were ripped apart.
:'''Merrick''': But--
:'''Zen-Aku''': I'm no longer dependent upon another to exist. You got your freedom, but my spirit was also released. Now I'm free to do as I please.
:'''Merrick''': If you no longer need a host to live in this world, what do you want from me?
:'''Zen-Aku''': Your spirit and mine were entwined together for centuries, you chose to destroy that bond to separate us. I was discarded, cast aside, rejected, but now I've come to take you back. Together we will be ''unbeatable''.
:'''Merrick''': I will never lie with you again.
:'''Zen-Aku''': You have no choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Zen-Aku seemed more... more powerful than before. How is that possible?
:'''Princess Shayla''': When Merrick wore the mask of Zen-Aku, its powers were divided between the mask, Merrick and his three Wild Zords.
:'''Taylor''': Now that Zen-Aku's on his own, he's got all that power to himself.
:'''Alyssa''': But what about Merrick? He just disappeared. I'm afraid something terrible happened to him.
:'''Princess Shayla''': No. Merrick's still out there. ''[looks at the Wolf Zord crystal]'' I can feel it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zen-Aku''': Give in, Merrick. Your efforts are futile, there is no escaping me.
:'''Merrick''': I brought your spirit into this world, I can send it back.
:'''Zen-Aku''': You will never make me return.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zen-Aku''': You cannot run from your past!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Merrick''': Now you've got all of us to worry about!
:'''Zen-Aku''': Fine! Then I'll destroy you all! Crescent Blade!

===Homecoming===
===The Flute===
:'''Flute Org''': No one appreciates jazz.

===Team Carnival===
:'''Juggelo''': You can be the clown, and I'll be the juggler, and together we'll be: Team Carnival!
:'''Jindrax''': Clown? Do I look like a clown to you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Taylor''': It was hard, bringing my self down to the level of you two kids.
:'''Max''': I'm not a kid!
:'''Kite''': That's right, he's a grown-up! It was like hanging out with a couple of grandparents.
:'''Taylor and Max''': What?
:'''Taylor''': Wait until grandma catches you!

===Taming of the Zords===
===Monitoring Earth===
:'''Narrator''': Once Animus had taken all the Wild Zords off the Animarium, Princess Shayla, the protector of the Wild Zords fell into a deep sleep. A sleep which she cannot control, a sleep which will last as long as the Wild Zords are gone, a sleep that could last forever.

===The Soul of Humanity===
:'''Alyssa''': Princess Shayla, you taught us so much about the Wild Zords, Animaria, the Orgs, nature, ourselves. I've always wanted to just say thank you... for everything you've done for us. Even if you can't help us anymore, we still continue your mission, and keep fighting to protect the Earth. Somehow... I promise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Humans may make mistakes, but in times of need we will do whatever it takes to help our friends!

===Forever Red===
:'''General Venjix''': Zedd was a fool to leave this buried here! His loss, our gain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bulk''': Yep, I've seen it all. Why, I even once met Lord Zedd and Rita.
:'''Skull''': Yeah? So did I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''General Venjix''': Ever since the Power Rangers destroyed the Machine Empire, we have been forced to wander the stars in hiding.
:'''Gerrok''': That's right!
:'''General Venjix''': But no more! With this, the greatest Zord ever built, we will be able to rebuild the Machine Empire, and have revenge on those who destroyed our illustrious leader, King Mondo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Who is that?
:'''T.J.''': ''[chuckles]'' That's Tommy, the Red Zeo Power Ranger. He's a legend.
:'''Tommy''': Thank you guys for coming on short notice.
:'''Wes''': What's going on? The call sounded urgent.
:'''Tommy''': I was hoping this day would never come. Andros has recently tracked down the remains of the evil Machine Empire.
:'''T.J.''': But I thought the Zeo Rangers destroyed them years ago.
:'''Tommy''': We destroyed their leaders, but some of their generals managed to survive. They've been hiding all these years. They've finally regrouped their forces and are amassing on the moon, preparing to invade Earth.
:'''Cole''': I don't know much about spaceships, or this Machine Empire, but I will go where I must to protect the Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jason''': You must be the new guy.
:''[Cole sloppily wipes his hand off on his pants and extends it to Jason.]''
:'''Cole''': Hi! I'm Cole!
:'''Jason''': Good...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tommy''': I was starting to wonder whether you'd show up at all.
:'''Jason''': You didn't think I was gonna let you do this without the original Red Ranger, did you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tommy''': Several years ago, the Machine Empire arrived from deep space, and tried to invade Earth. Myself and the other Zeo Rangers succeeded in stopping their invasion by destroying their leader, King Mondo, and most of the Empire with him. But now, the last surviving members of the Machine Empire have regrouped under the command of General Venjix, and are gathering here, on the Sea of Tranquility on the moon.
:'''Eric''': It looks like they're digging something there.
:'''Wes''': Well, what would they want on the moon?
:'''Jason''': Serpentera.
:'''Tommy''': Years ago, when Lord Zedd was defeated, his personal Zord remained hidden on the surface of the moon.
:'''Andros''': But I spent the last few years trailing General Venjix. Just recently he discovered the hidden location of Serpentera.
:'''Jason''': If the Machine Empire gets their hands on Serpentera, they're gonna have more than enough power to destroy Earth.
:'''Cole''': We have to stop them here - on the moon. We're the only chance Earth has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''General Venjix''': Finally, we can avenge your untimely destruction, King Mondo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jason''': Y'know, if you miss King Mondo that much, I promise we can help you join him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''General Venjix''': What? TEN Red Rangers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''General Venjix''': Serpentera lives again! Now no one is safe from the wrath of the Machine Empire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''General Venjix''': ''[last words]'' Forgive me, Mondo! I have failed you and the Empire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Wow. So that was Tommy? He really is the greatest Ranger. ''[The others scoff and laugh]'' What did I say?
:'''T.J.''': Well, I wouldn't go that far. After all, I was the one who replaced him.
:'''Jason''': Are you kidding me? I was doing all the work while he was at the juice bar kissing on Kimberly.
:'''Carter''': Alright, well, at least his haircut's regulation now. Right?
:'''Eric''': My Q-Rex would eat his Dragon Zord for lunch.
:'''Leo''': He didn't discover lost galaxies!
:'''Wes''': Hey, wait, wait, wait wait. I changed history. So why does he have a fan club, and I don't?
:'''Andros''': Hey! I saved two worlds! What about that?
:'''T.J.''': Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Did I ever you guys about the time I got baked in that giant pizza?

===The Master's Herald===
====Pt. I====
:'''Onikage:''' Fellow Duke Orgs, I am the duke org Onikage at your service, I know a way that you could redeem yourselves with Mandilok.
:'''Toxica:''' Really?, How?
:'''Onikage:''' By bringing him the Princess.
:'''Toxica and Jindrax:''' ''[shocked]'' The Princess?
:'''Toxica:''' You mean going to the Animarium and capture her? ''[Onikage nods]''

====Pt. II====
:'''Master Org:''' Master Org has returned! You, Mandilok, the most treacherous of General Orgs! You thought you could get rid of me?! Huh?!
:'''Mandilok:''' ''[last words]'' I am the greatest Org! I bow to no one! ''[charges at Master Org]''
:'''Master Org:''' How wrong you are. ''[laughs then blasts Mandilok with his staff, destroying him in a single hit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shayla''': We have to find Princess. She's in more danger than we realized.
:'''Cole''': Yeah. Master Org is back, he had a heart once, but he never learned from his mistakes.
:'''Taylor''': Cole. Cole, remember, he's not a human anymore, he's an Org.
:'''Cole''': Right.
:'''Master Org''': ''[suddenly arrives with Shadow Rangers]'' Not just an Org! I'm the Master Org! Something I won't let you forget!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': How come I hit him but I felt it?
:'''Master Org''': They're your shadows! ''[laughs]'' Everything you do to them will happen to you!
:'''Cole''': It can't be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jindrax confronts Master Org and Onikage]''
:'''Jindrax:''' I've had it with being an Org! This is ridiculous. I can't trust any of you, especially you! ''[points at Master Org]'' You've lied, cheated, and destroyed everyone around you! For 3,000 years, Toxica and I waited for your return, and for what? You've betrayed your most loyal Duke Orgs. The ones who would do ''anything'' for you! Including cutting off their horn! You're beyond evil! You have no heart. You don't deserve anyone's loyalty! You've destroyed my best friend, and my faith in Orgs.
:'''Master Org''': ''[smirks]'' Put him out of his misery, Onikage.

===Fishing for a Friend===
:'''Princess Shayla''': I don't fear you, Master Org. I know in my heart the forces of good will always prevail, whatever you have planned, you won't succeed.
:'''Master Org''': ''[laughs softly]'' How wrong you are, Princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Locomotive Org''': I'm Locomotive Org, and you're on the wrong side of the tracks, Rangers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Locomotive Org''': Flattening Megazords is my specialty!

===Sealing the Nexus===
:'''Princess Shayla''': What do you intend to do with my necklace? Why are you doing all of this evil? Cole told me you used to be good, a human.
:'''Master Org''': I used to be human, but that was a long time ago.
:'''Princess Shayla''': You've spent your whole life trying to find the Animarium, and for what? So you could become the Master Org and destroy it?
:'''Master Org''': I have gone too far down the path I have chosen, even if I wanted to, there is no going back now.
:'''Princess Shayla''': There's always a chance for forgiveness. Cole forgave you for what you did to his parents. The world can forgive you for your other evil deeds. ''Dr. Adler''?
:'''Master Org''': ''[gets angered]'' THAT IS NOT MY NAME! I don't need the forgiveness of anyone or anything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': Looks like this battle between humans and Orgs is finally over.
:'''Jindrax''': Hey, we're the most powerful Orgs on the planet, and we didn't say it's over!
:'''Toxica''': That's right. It's not over until we say it's over!
:'''Max''': So, is it over?
:'''Jindrax, Toxica''': Yeah, it's over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jindrax''': Sorry, Yellow Ranger, but it looks like our famous rivalry is finally at an end.
:'''Taylor''': Yeah... You were a worthy opponent... I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jindrax''': Y'know Toxica, it felt strangely good to help someone for a change.
:'''Toxica''': Yeah? Well, don't get used to it!
:'''Jindrax''': Don't worry: Short attention span; I'll forget all about it by tomorrow!

===The End of the Power Rangers===
====Part 1====
:''[Master Org in his final form with his old robe, walking towards the ranger, laughs deeply]''
:'''Master Org''':  Hello Rangers, remember Me? ''[takes off his beige robe]'' It is I, Master Org! It's so good to see you again.
:'''Merrick''': He must have used the Org heart, just like 3000 years ago.
:'''Cole''': Guys, it's time to finish the Orgs, once and for all.
:'''All six''': WILD ACCESS!
:'''Master Org''': My transformation is complete, It is useless to resist me now!
:'''Cole''': Enough talk, let's do it! Let's go, guys! ''[leads the team to fight the new Master Org]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Alyssa''': Is Kite going to be okay?
:'''Kite''': ''[last words]'' Rangers, I'm sorry. I wasn't powerful enough to help you stop Master Org. We'll meet again someday. Remember... you're the Guardians of the Earth.
:'''Cole''': Kite! ''[Kite turns himself into gold dust and vanishes]'' Animus is gone. 

====Part 2====
:''(the Rangers stand defiant against Master Org in the pouring rain)''
:'''Master Org''': You have no chance against me without your ranger’s powers.
:'''Cole''': We may not be Power Rangers anymore, and our Wild Zords may be gone, but their spirits still live - inside us! ''(puts on his vest)'' I, am Cole Evans! Blazing Lion! ''(poses)''
:'''Alyssa''': We have one thing you Orgs could never have - a heart! Alyssa Enrile! Noble Tiger!
:'''Taylor''': That's one thing you can never take away from us! Taylor Earhardt! Soaring Eagle!
:'''Max''': And we're still Guardians of the Earth! Max Cooper! Surging Shark!
:'''Danny''': And we will never, ever give up! Danny Delgado! Iron Bison!
:'''Merrick''': We fight with every last breath in us to save the world! I am, Merrick Baliton! Howling Wolf!
:'''Cole''': Guardians of the Earth!
:'''All six''': UNITED WE ROAR!
:'''Master Org''': Very touching, but I am Master Org. And I'll make you extinct just like the Wild Zords! ''[Sky Black Hole Master Org Try To Kill And Master Org Shocked Look And Cole Evan Shocked And Morphin Master Resurrection Wildzord And Animus Return 100 Light Of Orb]''
:'''Alyssa''': Ratzord
:'''Max''': Stingrayzord
:'''Taylor''': PeacockZord
:'''Danny''': Zerbazord
:'''Princess Shayla''': The other Wild Zords... they've returned!
:'''Cole''': It's you, Red Lion?
:'''Alyssa''': White Tiger
:'''Max''': Sharky
:'''Merrick''': Wolfzord
:'''Taylor''': Eaglezord
:'''Danny''': Bisonzord
:'''Cole''': Yes! (Hand Red Lion Wildzord Crystal Return Spin Around Hand Head)
:'''Aylssa''': Yes! (Hand Tiger Wildzord Crystal Return)
:'''Taylor''': (Smile Laugh Hand Eaglezord Crystal Return)
:'''Danny''': Whoa! (Hand Bison Wildzord Crystal Return)
:'''Merrick''': (Hand Wolf Wolf Wildzord Crystal Return)
:'''Max''': (Hand Throw Shark Wildzord Crystal Return)
:'''Cole''': Alright! Welcome Wild Zords! (Six Transformation Morph)
:'''Master Org''': Impossible!
:'''Cole''': The Power Rangers are back stronger than ever! Blazing Lion
:'''Taylor''': Soaring Eagle
:'''Max''': Surging Shark
:'''Danny''': Iron Bison
:'''Alyssa''': Noble Tiger
:'''Merrick''': Howling Wolf
:'''Cole''': Guardians of the Earth united we roar!
:'''All six''': Power Rangers Wild Force! ''[all Wild Zords roar]''
:'''Master Org''': ''[last words]'' This is not possible! They can't be here! I destroyed the Wild Zords! (100 Wild Zords and Animus arrive)
:'''Cole''': Master Org!
:'''Taylor''': The Zords are anything but extinct.
:'''Max''': Yeah, right always finds a way.
:'''Danny''': We told you we'd never give up.
:'''Alyssa''': When humans and animals work together to save the Earth, there's no way that we can ever be defeated.
:'''Merrick''': Even in darkness, goodness always prevails!
:'''Cole''': Master Org, your evil ends here.
:'''All six''': ULTRA ROAR! (100 Wild Zords and Animus Light Of Orb Blast Master Org Pain Scream Shocked)
:'''Cole''': Let combine our weapons! The plight of the evil Org heart will never curse the Earth again. Jungle sword! Savage Slash! (Jungle Sword Slash Org Heart Explosion)
:'''All six''': Yeah! Whoo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cole''': ''[visits his parents' graves and puts roses on them]'' Dad... mom... you can rest easy now. The darkness is over. Earth... and the Animarium are safe. And I'm okay too. ''[looks at Dr. Adler's grave and visits it]'' Perhaps you'll finally know peace as well. ''[puts some flowers on the grave]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Zen-Aku''': Where are you going?
:'''Merrick''': I go wherever the wind takes me.
:'''Zen-Aku''': You could use some company.it 
:'''Merrick''': My path is to walk alone. I still have much to atone for.
:'''Zen-Aku''': You and I have a lot in common. You're not the only lone wolf looking for redemption.
:'''Merrick''': Follow me if you must. I won't stop you.
:'''Zen-Aku''': Well then lead the way, old friend.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0287871}}
{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Power Rangers Wild Force''}}
[[Category:Action TV shows]]
[[Category:Adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:Power Rangers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Power Rangers RPM</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>122807</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607296</id>
      <parentid>3499287</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:50:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:447:C601:4CD0:A881:5FC4:39A4:1652</ip>
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      <text bytes="21896" sha1="nq6741nchh6ao0u2g7wf8kzr6xcnfji" xml:space="preserve">{{Power Rangers header}}
'''''[[w:Power Rangers RPM|Power Rangers RPM]]''''' is the 17th season of the ''[[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]]'' franchise using footage from the ''[[w:Super Sentai|Super Sentai]]'' series ''[[w:Engine Sentai Go-Onger|Engine Sentai Go-Onger]]''. The series involves 5 (and later 7) young people known as the Ranger Series Operators (or simply the Power Rangers) who were called to defend the domed city of Corinth the last city remaining on Earth against Venjix and his seemingly endless army of attack bots.

==Individual episodes==
=== ''The Road to Corinth'' [17x01] ===
:''[This is the opening sequence, introducing viewers to the season.]''
:'''Dr. K''': [A black screen appears.] Listen carefully, okay. We don't have a lot of time. [Animation plays in the background as she narrates.] It started three years ago. The World Internet Federation reported the appearance of an aggressive new computer worm: the Venjix Virus. A year later, it was estimated that Venjix had already infected thirty-seven percent of the world's computer systems. By then, it was too late: Venjix took control of the world's communication, power, and defense systems. He built armies of advanced robotic soldiers that laid waste to everything in their path. There was no stopping him, and Venjix declared victory.
:'''Venjix''' [Appears as a glowing red disc.]: I am Venjix. Your world is now my world, and your time is now over!
:'''Dr. K''': But it's not over, not yet. If you can hear my voice, please, go now to the domed city of Corinth. It's the only place we can be safe. But you have to make it inside the city walls before the defense shield is activated. Please, hurry!

----

:''[as Flynn stops the bus just outside Corinth, he grabs a dead Venjix robot]''
:'''Flynn''': Ya no-good pile of worthless... SCRAP! ''[tosses the robot off the bus]''

=== ''Fade to Black'' [17x02]===

=== ''Rain'' [17x03] ===
''[Dillon looks at images of the Ranger Series technology on displays in the Garage's kitchen.]''
:'''Dillon''': Where did all this stuff come from?
:'''Dr. K''': It came from me. Come in. I'll show you. [The doors to her lab open, and the Series Operators enter.] Three years before the Venjix virus attack, I was the leader of a research team developing exoskeletal robotic suits to amplify human strength and speed. We were attempting to harness the human body's natural electrical output to prolong the suits' battery life when we had a breakthrough: the discovery of a universal bio-electric field, an unseen energy grid that connects the life force of all living things. Manipulating this field allowed for unimagined advances in technology--including these: the ''Ranger'' Prototype Series Covert Infantry Bio-Suits. [Lights come on in the housing compartments containing the Series Red, Blue, and Yellow suits.]
:'''Dillon''': ''[sarcastically, while looking at the suits]'' Right, because nothing says &quot;covert&quot; like bright red, yellow, and blue, spandex.
:'''Dr. K''': That is not spandex!
:'''Summer''': Doc K can get a little defensive about his work.
:'''Dr. K''': The material is a self-assembling nano-fiber formed with an inter-cellular shape memory alloy.
:'''Dillon''': My mistake. Now is that machine washable, or strictly dry clean only?

=== ''Go for the Green'' [17x04] ===
''[Ziggy bonds with the Series Green morpher to keep it away from Tenaya 7, becoming Ranger Operator Series Green in the process.]''
:'''Ziggy''' [patting his new suit]: I'M A POWER RANGER! [Tenaya 7 attacks him.] I DON'T WANT TO BE A POWER RANGER! I COULD ''NEVER'' BE A POWER RANGER!

=== ''Handshake'' [17x05] ===
=== ''Ranger Green'' [17x06] ===
=== ''Ranger Red '' [17x07] ===
=== ''Ranger Yellow, Part 1'' [17x08] ===
''[The Rangers and Dr. K hold a question and answer session with schoolchildren in Corinth's city defense headquarters.]''
:'''Dr. K''' [finishing up an equation on the board]: And that is how we power the Ranger bio-hardware using no traditional external energy source. [Turns around.]
:'''Colonel Truman''': Thank you, Dr. K. Now, how about some questions from our visiting students? Let's see. [Students raise their hands. The Colonel selects a young boy with glasses on.] How about you? [Gives boy the microphone.]
:'''Boy #1''': Ranger Black, you're my favorite Power Ranger. Your toughness and spirit are an inspiration to all of Corinth city. Do you have any advice for the kids out there who look up to you?
:'''Dillon''' [walking up to microphone]: No.

:'''Girl''': Ranger Blue, how come you talk pretty and everybody else doesn't?
:'''Flynn''': Well, wee lass, it's because I'm Scottish, and everyone else isn't.

:'''Boy #2''': Would you please tell me: Where do you get your spandex? [Ziggy gasps.]
:'''Dr. K''' [angrily charging at the schoolchildren]: That . . . is NOT . . . SPANDEX! The material is a self-assembling nano--[Gets restrained by Ziggy, with her mouth covered up by Summer, and is finally restrained by Dillon.]

:'''Boy #1''': Red, you're the leader of the Power Rangers. Is that the reason why your hair's the coolest?
:'''Scott''' [snickering]: That would be one of the reasons, yeah.

:'''Girl''': Ranger Yellow, as the sole female representative of the Power Rangers, I have a question for you: Which one of the guys looks cutest in the span--I mean, in the tights? [Sees Dr. K charging at her as she nearly says the word &quot;spandex.&quot; Dr. K is stopped again by Summer.]
:'''Ziggy''' [interrupting Summer and causing unintentional microphone feedback]: Actually, I--I, I can answer that question. Uh, ah, I think it comes down to the angle at which you--[Gets restrained by Flynn and Scott.]

:'''Boy #2''': Ranger Yellow, will you marry me? [The other schoolchildren and Series Operators laugh.]
:'''Summer''': I like a man with taste. The answer is yes. [The schoolchildren clap.]
:'''Dr. K''' [annoyed]: I'm not sure I understand the relevance of the question. It makes the endless queries into Ranger Red's hair seem pertinent and insightful by comparison.
:'''Boy #2''' [crushed]: I'm sorry. It's just . . . Ranger Yellow seems so nice. Have you always been this nice, Miss Yellow? [Flashback begins.]

=== ''Ranger Yellow, Part 2'' [17x09] ===
:'''Dr. K''': ''[enters the lab as Dillon and Scott leave for the wedding reception; sees Summer in her wedding gown]'' Ranger Operator Series Yellow, you look positively radiant.
:'''Summer''': Really? You think?
:'''Dr. K''': No, but I was told it was customary to say so.
=== ''Ranger Blue'' [17x10] ===
:'''Tenaya''': Red is the perfect one, Black is the brooding bad boy, Green's the clown, and Yellow -- well, she's the girl. So what are you supposed to be?
:'''Flynn''': I'm Scottish!

=== ''Doctor K'' [17x11] ===
:''[the Rangers argue with Dr. K about how to beat Venjix's threats.]''
:'''Ziggy''': Hold it! Hold it! Hold everything, people. In times like this, there is one question that needs to be answered: Are we, or are we not, the good guys?
:'''Dr. K''' [puzzled]: Tell me: What's it like?
:'''Ziggy''' [intrigued]: What's what like?
:'''Dr. K''' [curious]: Being stupid your whole life. Is it as wonderful as it seems?

''[A young K has been kidnapped and raised in a government think tank named Alphabet Soup. She is celebrating her sixth birthday a year later.]''
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': It's time to celebrate your first year with us here at Alphabet Soup. Happy birthday, K! [He and his partner clap as K blows out the candles on her cake.]
:'''Young K''': Can I go outside now?
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': K, we've been over this: You're a very sick little girl, and the sun makes you unwell.
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': Maybe next year. [The handlers remove the table and the birthday cake.]
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': You know what could be really fun in the meantime? [They present her with a board with complex formulas.]
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': You could try cracking these series of encrypted rocket codes.
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': Or you can designs us a thermal-sensitive guidance system.
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': How about deducing the macro-molecular origin of these bio-toxins?

''[Many hears have passed. A teenage K is sitting at her desk on her birthday like before, but is now 14 years old.]''
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': Happy birthday, K. [He and his partner clap as K blows out the candles. They then remove the cake from the table and replace it with a notebook computer.]
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': We need you to write us a very special computer program.
:'''K''': Can I go outside?
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': &quot;Outside&quot;? Sorry, honey. You're still very, very allergic to the sun.
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': Maybe next year. Now don't forget to make your birthday wish.
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': You do have a wish, don't you?
:'''K''': [sighing] I wish I could remember my name.

''[Dr. K is celebrating her fifteenth birthday, this time with the twins Gem and Gemma.]''
:'''Gem''': [As Dr. K blows out the candles on her cake.] Happy birthday!
:'''Gemma''': And surprise! [The two present her with a gift for her birthday.
:'''Dr. K''': For me? But why?
:'''Gem''': [As he and his sister sit down at the other side of the table.] It's your birthday.
:'''Gemma''': And we're friends!
:'''Dr. K''': Gem, Gemma, you two should know I don't even like you.
:'''Gem''': That's okay, we know.
:'''Gemma''': [As Dr. K unwraps her present, a multicolored pencil.] But we can still like you, can't we?

''[Dr. K has found out that she does not suffer from a sunlight allergy.]''
:'''Dr. K''': [As she runs up the steps to her room with Gem and Gemma, with a notebook computer in her hand.] I'm getting out of here, and I'm taking you two with me!
:'''Gem''': But what about--
:'''Gemma''': The sun?
:'''Dr. K''': Don't you get it? We aren't allergic to sunlight. We never have been! It was all a lie.
:'''Gem''': But we don't have access--
:'''Gemma''': To Alphabet Soup security computers!
:'''Dr. K''': I don't need access. I just need to blind the servers for a few minutes with this--a wireless upload of the Venjix virus. [Puts down the notebook at her desk, powering it on.] It's a self-aware, self-generating computer virus. Meet Project: Venjix. [She presses a button, activating the Venjix virus. Guards from Alphabet Soup then enter her room and detain Gem and Gemma.
:'''Dr. K''': No! Gem, Gemma, no! [Panicking, she takes out a flash drive that contains the firewall to contain Venjix. Guards come in and attempt to detain her.] NO! YOU HAVE TO LET ME INSTALL THE FIREWALL TO STOP IT! [Dr. K frees herself from the guards' grip.] OR VENJIX WILL SPREAD BEYOND ALPHABET SOUP! [Guards finally capture her.] NO! I JUST WANTED TO GO OUTSIDE! NO, PLEASE, IT COULD INFECT THE ENTIRE WORLD!

''[Dr. K is typing away at her console's keyboard. Tenaya 7, hiding away, begins whistling &quot;The Farmer In The Dell&quot;, raising Dr. K's guard.]''
:'''Tenaya 7''': [Mockingly] You pride yourself on how smart you are, don't you? But you still royally messed up, didn't you? [Dr. K angrily fires her sound cannon. Another flashback begins, this time to Alphabet Soup, now under attack by Venjix forces.]
:'''Dr. K''': [Recording a message into a computer, putting on a white cloak in preparations to escape Alphabet Soup.] A year later, it was estimated that Venjix had already infected thirty-seven percent of the world's computer systems. But it's not over, not yet. [Explosions in the background.] If you can hear my voice, please, go now to the domed city of Corinth. {She puts away the ''Ranger'' Series technology into a black briefcase.] It's the only place we can be safe! But you have to make it inside the city walls before the defense shield is activated. Please, hurry! [Explosions rock the compartment, and Dr. K leaves, but not before being intercepted by her handlers.]
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': Sorry, Dr. K. Give us the computer. It's for your own good.
:'''Government Worker (Female)''': Sorry, K. No one can know that Venjix started here. [An explosion rocks the compound.]
:'''Dr. K''': This ''Ranger'' technology is our only chance of fighting Venjix. I have to get it out of here!
:'''Government Worker (Male)''': [As he and his partner draw weapons.] I'm sorry, Dr. K. [The two handlers are taken out off screen. Gem and Gemma reappear.]
:'''Dr. K''': I'm glad we're friends!
:'''Gem''': Oh, yeah, so--
:'''Gemma''': Are we! [An explosion rocks the compound, triggering an alarm.]
:'''Gem''': Head for the exit, Doctor.
:'''Gemma''': We're going back for the classified Gold and Silver Series. [The two head off to another compartment.]
:'''Dr. K''': Gem, Gemma, wait! No, we don't have time! [An explosion kicks up dust as Gem and Gemma go past it. Dr. K fears that they have died.] GEM, GEMMA, NO! [Return to the present. Dr. K appears guilt-ridden and emotionally exhausted.]

''[Tenaya 7 draws a blaster at Dr. K.]''
:'''Tenaya 7''': Be honest: Leading me in here, tricking me into using the mirror--how much of it was your doing?
:'''Dr. K''': [As she picks up a violin.] All of it. [Begins playing it, triggering her lab's ventilation systems.]
:'''Tenaya 7''': [Covering her ears.] Not the violin again!

=== ''Blitz'' [17x12] ===
=== ''Brother's Keeper'' [17x13] ===
''[Summer is looking at images of Scott and Dillon on displays in the kitchen as Dr. K opens the refrigerator for a late night snack.]''
:'''Dr. K''' [observing Summer]: I understand your dilemma.
:'''Summer''' [incredulous]: Sorry, what dilemma?
:'''Dr. K''' [as she makes her cereal]: You find Ranger Series Red attractive because he represents the guy who can give you solid security: the boy next door, trustworthy, responsible, the kind you take home to Mother. At the same time, you're hopelessly drawn to the excitement and danger of Ranger Series Black, the tortured and mysterious bad boy you think you can save.
:'''Summer''': I don't think you...
:'''Dr. K''': Comparing the raw data on a cuteness scale is also difficult, with one scoring a solid nine, while the other registering the cuteness scale's maximum score of ten.
:'''Summer''' [curious]: Which one do you think is the ten?
:'''Dr. K''': Why? Which one do ''you'' think is the ten? [Klaxon blares.]

''[Dr. K has somehow stopped the Venjix virus from spreading throughout Dillon's robotic parts.]''
:'''Dillon''': [As he gets up from the floor.] I'm getting ''really'' sick of asking this, but what happened?
:'''Dr. K''': What just happened was that I entered the base code for the Venjix virus. I know it because I wrote it. I'm the one who released it. Everything that's happened, everything you've all been through--it's all my fault.
=== ''Embodied'' [17x14] ===
=== ''Ghosts'' [17x15] ===

=== ''In or Out'' [17x16] ===
''[Dr. K briefs her team alongside Gem and Gemma, who have turned up alive from the wastelands.]''
:'''Dr. K''': Gem and Gemma have confronted me with the possibility that, in an effort to protect myself from future emotional trauma, I may have treated some of you with a degree of forced emotional detachment, perhaps even bordering on coldness.
:'''Flynn''': &quot;Bordering on coldness,&quot; you say?
:'''Summer''' [sarcastically]: That's ridiculous, Doctor.
:'''Dillon''' [sarcastically]: You must be imagining it.
:'''Dr. K''' [not grasping the sarcastic responses]: No, no, I'm afraid it's true. My insistence on referring each of you by your color series instead of by your real names is a perfect example. And, so, as your mentor--
:'''Ziggy''': Mentor? How can you be our mentor? Aren't we all older than you?
:'''Dr. K''': As your mentor, in an effort to make my feelings clear in an official capacity, I have the following announcement. [Looks at Gem and Gemma, who prod her on. Paces quickly towards Scott.] 
:'''Dr. K''': Ranger Series Red, I greatly admire your honor, integrity, decision-making ability, and unusual hair. I feel lucky to have you as the leader of my team, Scott.
:'''Scott''' [surprised]: Well, thank you, Doctor. [Gets a hug from Dr. K.] Whoa, what are you--what are you doing? [Dr. K lets go and paces towards Summer.]
:'''Dr. K''': Ranger Series Yellow, as the only other female in the group, I want you to know that my feelings of fondness for you are so strong, they override even my base biological instincts to undermine and sabotage you in an effort to monopolize the attention of the males. Thank you, Summer.
:'''Summer''' [surprised]: Sure, Doctor, the feeling's mutual, I think. [Gets a hug from Dr. K. She lets go and then paces towards Flynn.]
:'''Dr. K''': Ranger Series Blue, your passion, optimism, and delightfully musical, though often incomprehensible accent, are what make you the heart of the Rangers, Flynn.
:'''Flynn''': Happy to help out in whatever--okay. [Gets a hug from Dr. K. She lets go and then paces towards Dillon.]
:'''Dr. K''': And Ranger Series Black--[Dillon turns around, whistling and walking away, when Flynn stops him. He turns around to humor her.] Even though you are clearly psychologically unstable and here against your will as part of a work-release agreement, I still consider you a true hero, Dillon. [Scott snickers. Dr. K gives Dillon a hug. She then lets go and walks up to Ziggy, who offers her a hug.]
:'''Dr. K''' [seeing Ziggy with his arms held out]: You, too, Ranger Series Green. [She then regroups with Gem and Gemma and talks to the group as a whole.] 
:'''Dr. K''': You five are the only family I've ever known. I love you all very much. [Turns around and paces hurriedly back to her lab with Gem and Gemma.]
:'''Summer''': Well, that was certainly . . . awkward.
:'''Flynn''': Can we please just forget that didn't happen and get back to work now?
:'''Ziggy''' [upset that Dr. K did not acknowledge him]: Hey, hold on! What about me? What about all of the nice things you wanted to say about me? [Klaxon blares.]
''[Ziggy is still upset that Dr. K did not call him by his real name as the other Series Operators respond to another breach in the dome.]''
:'''Scott''': We've got a shield breach. It's an inverse vector.
:'''Summer''': Oxygen regeneration plant at gate 43.
:'''Ziggy''': What about ''my'' real name? It's Ziggy. Zigg-y. Z-I-G-G--
:'''Dillon''' [grabbing Ziggy]: Come on, Ranger Operator Series Green, it's playtime.

=== ''Prisoners'' [17x17] ===
=== ''Belly of the Beast'' [17x18] ===
=== ''Three's a Crowd'' [17x19] ===
=== ''Heroes Among Us'' [17x20] ===
=== ''Not So Simple'' [17x21] ===
=== ''The Dome Dolls'' [17x22] ===
''[Dr. K has tested the first batch of her potion on Ziggy who, like the other males of Corinth, has been knocked out by male-specific sleeping gas by Tenaya 7 and an attack bot.]''
:'''Ziggy''' [still groggy from the gas]: I had the strangest dream. We . . .  [Points to Dr. K.] we were on a date.
:'''Dr. K''' [disgusted]: That sounds like a nightmare. [Ziggy goes back to sleep.]
:'''Summer''' [entering the room]: Any luck?
:'''Dr. K''': Luck is an abstract concept that ignores skill. [She and Gemma get up.] But, since you asked: no.
=== ''And… Action'' [17x23] ===
=== ''Ancient History'' [17x24] ===
''[Coloniel Truman and a group of Corinth Guards leave Dr. K's office]''
:'''Dr. K''': ''[after repeating the phrase &quot;After what I've seen&quot; numerous times]'' Good, I thought he would never leave.
:'''Ziggy''': So, uh, sorry.  What are you?
:'''Dr. K''': Yes, I'm a hologram, but I'm not a recording.  That is SO last century.


''[Colonel Truman confronts Dr. K in Corinth city defense headquarters for having made and accidentally released the Venjix computer virus.]''
:'''Dr. K''': Are you going to arrest me, Colonel? [Sees Colonel Truman looking at a picture of himself with his late son Marcus.]
:'''Dr. K''' [softly]: We all do things in life we regret. But if we don't learn from them, and move towards a brighter future, we pay twice.
:'''Colonel Truman''' [sadly]: I've already paid more than most.
:'''Dr. K''': I know. And if I could access the space-time continuum long enough to undo what ''I'' did, I would. That's not possible.
:'''Colonel Truman''' [hearing the Series Operators call for Dr. K's help]: Can you help them?
:'''Dr. K''': That's all I can do.
:'''Colonel Truman''': Then help them. [Withdraws blaster.]

=== ''Key to the Past'' [17x25] ===
=== ''Beyond a Doubt'' [17x26] ===
=== ''Control-Alt-Delete'' [17x27] ===
=== ''Run Ziggy Run'' [17x28] ===
=== ''If Venjix Won'' [17x29] ===
=== ''End Game'' [17x30] ===
=== ''Danger and Destiny, Part 1'' [17x31] ===
=== ''Danger and Destiny, Part 2'' [17x32] ===
:'''Announcer:''' The song on the radio is called on the mix. Right now!
:''[''True Love'' plays on the radio]''
:'''Ziggy:''' Look! There's the song.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Eka Darville|Eka Darville]] - Scott Truman, Ranger Operator Series Red
* [[w:Ari Boyland|Ari Boyland]] - Flynn McAllistair, Ranger Operator Series Blue
* [[w:Rose McIver|Rose McIver]] - Summer Landsdown, Ranger Operator Series Yellow
* [[w:Milo Cawthorne|Milo Cawthorne]] - Ziggy Grover, Ranger Operator Series Green
* [[w:Daniel Ewing (actor)|Dan Ewing]] - Dillon, Ranger Operator Series Black
* [[w:Mike Ginn|Mike Ginn]] - Gem, Ranger Operator Series Gold
* [[w: Li Ming Hu|Li Ming Hu]] - Gemma, Ranger Operator Series Silver
* [[w: Olivia Tennet|Olivia Tennet]] - Dr. K
* [[w: James Gaylyn|James Gaylyn]] - Colonel Mason Truman
* [[w: Adelaide Kane|Adelaide Kane]] - Tenaya 7/15

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=1304612|title=Power Rangers RPM}}
{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Power Rangers RPM''}}
[[Category:Teen TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Action TV shows]]
[[Category:Adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:ABC shows]]
[[Category:Power Rangers]]
[[Category:Cyberpunk TV shows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607458</id>
      <parentid>3560948</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T08:17:04Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="37548" sha1="1ixvs5ta0jqg5cujuo1ietok8r3ax7p" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tech SMU 2008.jpg|thumb|Plays, farces, spectacles, gladiators, strange beasts, medals, pictures, and other such opiates, these were for ancient peoples the bait toward [[slavery]], the price of their [[liberty]], the instruments of [[tyranny]]. By these practices and enticements the [[ancient]] [[dictators]] so successfully lulled their subjects under the yoke, that the stupefied peoples, fascinated by the pastimes and vain [[pleasures]] flashed before their [[eyes]], learned [[w:Subservience|subservience]]. ~ [[Étienne de La Boétie]]]]
[[File:Wambach 2003.jpg|thumb|One great reason why many [[children]] abandon themselves wholly to silly sports, and trifle away all their [[time]] insipidly, is, because they have found their [[curiosity]] baulk'd, and their inquiries [[neglected]]. ~ [[John Locke]]]]
[[File:Yuliya Levchenko 2019.jpg|thumb|In the case of a people which represents many [[nations]], [[cultures]], and [[races]], as does our own, a unification of interests and [[ideals]] in [[w:recreation|recreations]] is bound to wield a telling influence for solidarity of the entire population. No more truly [[democratic]] force can be set off against the tendency to [[class]] and [[w:caste|caste]] than the democracy of [[individual]] parts and prowess in sport. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Austria vs. USA 2013-11-19 (003).jpg|thumb|Sports have the [[power]] to change the [[world]]. It has the power to [[inspire]], the power to [[unite]] people in a way that little else does. It speaks to [[youth]] in a [[language]] they understand. Sports can create [[hope]], where there was once only [[despair]]. It is more powerful than [[governments]] in breaking down [[racial]] barriers. It [[laughs]] in the [[face]] of all types of [[discrimination]]. Sports is the [[game]] of [[lovers]]. ~ [[Nelson Mandela]]]]
[[File:USMNT players vs Turkey 2014 (15282567592).jpg|thumb|Sport has nothing to do with [[fair]] [[play]]. It is bound up with [[hatred]], [[jealousy]], [[boastfulness]], disregard of all [[rules]] and [[sadistic]] [[pleasure]] in [[witnessing]] [[violence]]: in other words it is [[war]] minus the [[guns|shooting]]. ~ [[George Orwell]] ]]
[[File:Villa_romana_bikini_girls.JPG|thumb|According to one study of sports [[television]] coverage in Southern California, women and girls account for over 40% of [[athletes]], yet they receive less than 4% of the coverage on [[news]] shows. The study’s authors—Cheryl Cooky, Michael A. Messner, Michela Musto—found a “stark contrast between the exciting, amplified delivery of stories about men’s sports and the often dull, matter-of-fact delivery of women’s sports stories.” ~ Carrie N. Baker, Emma Seymour, Andrew Zimbalist]]
[[File:Thomas_Hughes_statue.jpg|thumb|A [[journalist]] coined the term '[[w:Muscular Christianity|muscular Christianity]]' to describe the new importance these writers ascribed to sport and the moral and religious connotations it had suddenly acquired; muscular Christianity became effectively the label for an ideology or a new vision of the virtuous life: an exclusively [[masculine]] one.  &lt;br&gt; The ideal expressed the view that a healthy mind and [[soul]] should be housed in a healthy body. Sports, especially rugby and cricket, were invaluable. They fostered comradely spirit as well as physical fitness and courage, and they preserved the 'boyishness' of the youth in the man. This was the essential ideal for the builders of [[British Empire|the Empire]], which the [[British]] liked to believe was a [[moral]] and [[civilising]] [[w:Crusades|crusade]]. ~ Elizabeth Wilson]]
[[File:NASCARfender.jpg|thumb|Almost 99 percent of all [[w:Corporate sponsorship|sponsorship]] [[money]] - the amount that dictates [[Association football|footballers]]' salaries and the prize pool for [[tennis]] and [[golf]] events - is directed at [[men]]'s sport. Golf executives believe the women's game has struggled to attract an even share because their [[w:Tournament|tournaments]] are often billed as space-fillers in the broadcasting schedules between men's tournaments. ~ David Cox]]


'''[[w:Sport|Sports]]''' are forms of competitive physical activity.
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==Quotes==
===B===
* This undervaluing is nowhere more [[evident]] than in the [[media]] coverage of [[women]]’s sports. According to one study of sports [[television]] coverage in Southern California, women and girls account for over 40% of [[athletes]], yet they receive less than 4% of the coverage on [[news]] shows. The study’s authors—Cheryl Cooky, Michael A. Messner, Michela Musto—found a “stark contrast between the exciting, amplified delivery of stories about men’s sports and the often dull, matter-of-fact delivery of women’s sports stories.” &lt;br&gt; Print media coverage is also dismal. We did our own count of stories in the sports section of ''[[w:USA Today|USA Today]]'' from March 22 to April 2 during March Madness. Over this 12-day period, there were 92 stories—82 about men and 10 about women. Of the 89 photographs of athletes, only four were of women. On the front page, there was only one photograph of a woman over the entire 12-day period while there were 37 photographs of men. There was only one front-page story about a female athlete while there were 31 stories about male athletes. On March 25, two full pages were dedicated to the bracket for the men's tournament, with only a quarter-page for the women's tournament. On March 28, there was no mention of women's sports at all, including the women's basketball tournament. &lt;br&gt; This neglect of women’s sports also shows up in the [[social media]] presence of the organizations that are supposed to be promoting women’s sports. On March 25, the NCAA tweeted, “When you find out there are no #MarchMadness games until Thursday,” with a clip of the Parks and Recreation character Ron Swanson throwing his computer in a dumpster. Seattle Storm forward Breanna Stewart responded: “Sounds about right, coming from a page that has posted nothing about the women’s tournament. How can we get others to respect us when the NCAA doesn’t?! There was 8 Women’S games on the 25th.”
** Carrie N. Baker, Emma Seymour, Andrew Zimbalist, [https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewzimbalist/2019/04/10/female-athletes-are-undervalued-in-both-money-and-media-terms/#48aeaad813ed “Female Athletes Are Undervalued, In Both Money And Media Terms”], ''Forbes'', (Apr 10, 2019). People made b up in 1469

* To me? Flirting is just like a sport. Yes Sir.
** [[w:Lou Bega|Lou Bega]], &quot;Mambo No. 5&quot; (19 April 1999), ''A Little Bit of Mambo'' (19 July 1999), New York: RCA Records.

===C===
*“The two remnants of the British empire are language and sport,” said Tony Collins, director of De Montfort University’s International Center for Sports History and Culture in Leicester. “Britain is no longer a serious world power, not at the top table anymore, but one thing that it can still do is point at the fact that most of the countries in the world still play British sports or sports that were derived from British sports.” &lt;br&gt;  “That’s a tremendously important prop for British national pride in the world today,” he added. “Most of the glory of the 19th century has disappeared, but sport remains and Britain can bask in reflected glory from the significance that sport has today in virtually every country.”
** Christopher Clarey, [https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/27/sports/olympics/27iht-srolbritish27.html “Britain's Living Legacy to the Games: Sports”], ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', (July 26, 2012)

* '''In the case of a people which represents many [[nations]], [[cultures]], and [[races]], as does our own, a unification of interests and [[ideals]] in [[w:recreation|recreations]] is bound to wield a telling influence for solidarity of the entire population.''' No more truly [[democratic]] force can be set off against the tendency to [[class]] and [[w:caste|caste]] than the democracy of [[individual]] parts and prowess in sport.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''The Democracy of Sports''] (22 May 1924), National Conference on Outdoor Recreation, Washington, D.C.

* Almost 99 percent of all [[w:Corporate sponsorship|sponsorship]] [[money]] - the amount that dictates [[Association football|footballers]]' salaries and the prize pool for [[tennis]] and [[golf]] events - is directed at men's sport. Golf executives believe the women's game has struggled to attract an even share because their [[w:Tournament|tournaments]] are often billed as space-fillers in the broadcasting schedules between men's tournaments.
** David Cox, [https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/female-athletes-paid-males-180114100158659.html “Why are female athletes still paid less than males?”], ''Al Jazeera'', (20 Jan 2018).

**Opening a gym club means closing a prison.
**[https://www.irna.ir/news/85162528/%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%87%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4%DB%8C-%D8%AF%DA%A9%D8%AA%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%81%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%B4%D8%AF Iran football federation president]

===D===
* We can't expect it to generate the same sponsor and TV value as the men's game without first investing money to allow it to catch up commercially and in terms of quality. There's huge potential, but we can't expect female players to be [[w:Premier League|Premier League]] standard if they're having to work part-time shifts in a coffee shop.
** John Didulica, [https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/female-athletes-paid-males-180114100158659.html “Why are female athletes still paid less than males?”], ''Al Jazeera'', (20 Jan 2018).

===E===
* He's long ago given up hope of finding a country anywhere in the world where it was safe to tell total strangers that he had no interest in sports whatsoever.
** [[Greg Egan]], ''Zendegi'' (2010), Ch. 3.

* Sport is linked with the technical world because sport itself is a technique. The enormous contrast between the athletes of Greece and those of Rome is well known. For the Greeks, physical exercise was an ethic for developing freely and harmoniously the form and strength of the human body. For the Romans, it was a technique for increasing the legionnaire's efficiency. The Roman conception prevails today.
** [[Jacques Ellul]], ''The Technological Society'' (1964), pp. 382-383.

===G===

* Sports represent to males a realm where they can collectively test themselves against the highest ideals and standards of human performance. The boy on the Harlem playground endlessly practicing his shots envisages himself as Walt Frazier. The runner struggling up the rocky hill in Van Cortlandt Park or striding loosely through its crinkling leaves pays tribute with every step to the great stars who have preceded him there, undergone the same pangs, and enjoyed the same cool breezes, the same hope of fluid speed and final glory.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (New York: Quadrangle Books, 1973), p. 218

* The fact that most of the contestants will fail to reach the standard does not change the nature of the quest; nor does it deprive them of these beatified moments in the life of every athlete when, however briefly, his usual limits are transcended and he is reborn in the image of his dream. Rabbit sees the shots shots arch flawlessly in the air from fingers possessed and swish repeatedly through the cords. Darling shifts directions three times, feels a tackler slip away, and fiends the field open greenly 80 yards before him. The boy runs back, back in the playground outfield, stumbles around a bush, leaps desperately in the air, glove extended against the sky in the image of Willie Mays and clumps in delectable pain to the ground against the fence with the ball clutched in his hand. He will never be closer to God.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (New York: Quadrangle Books, 1973), p. 218-219

* Contrary to their currently fashionable detractors, sports for men embody a moral universe. On the team, the group learns to cooperate, learns the importance of loyalty, struggle, toughness, and self-sacrifice in pursuing a noble ideal. At a period in their lives when hormones of aggression are pouring through their bodies in unprecedented streams, boys learn that aggressiveness must be disciplined and regulated before it can be used in society. Boys learn the indispensable sensation of competition in solidarity. The twelve ruthlessly ambitious men on the Boston Celtics- six black and six white, rich and poor- becomes a platonic scheme of unity and sacrifice, reaching toward the fifteen green flags of previous championships hanging from the ceiling above them. They teach the crucial lesson that the more one gives, the more one wins; that the selfish star is a burden on his fellows; and that Arthur &quot;Hambone&quot; Williams- just four years ago an aging playground marvel on a San Diego amateur team- can make all the difference without scoring a point.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (New York: Quadrangle Books, 1973), p. 219

* Athletics for men is an ideal of purity and truth. But when women enter everything changes. For as ''Ms.'' acknowledges, most sports are designed for &quot;male musculature.&quot; No matter how hard Mss. Bragina and Kraker train, they cannot hope to be more than somewhat distorted and inferior reflections of male performers. Their competitive exertions seem less a pursuit of a noble ideal of excellence- a physical fulfillment- than a struggle against the female proportions of their bodies. Thus the very success of their effort attracts attention to themselves as sexual objects. They run so fast or jump so high not by a realization of the natural potential of their physique but despite it. Despite her womb, her breasts, her hips, her female musculature, her lesser metabolism, Bragina, the marvel of the Olympics, can run almost as fast as a male adolescent. Her achievement is indeed prodigious. But its very essence is flawed as an athletic performance, because it is not a natural and beautiful fulfillment of the female body. It does not aspire to the platonic ideal.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (New York: Quadrangle Books, 1973), p. 219

* The army, like many trade unions in the former [[Soviet Union]]-automobile manufacturers, farm equipment makers, coal miners, steel workers-sponsored sports clubs throughout the country, and the biggest and most prestigious of these was CSKA. These sports clubs-and there were hundreds and hundreds of them nationwide-were quite professionally run, with the best coaches and facilities. They turned out the elite athletes that made the Soviet Union an international powerhouse in sports.&lt;br&gt;  One key to the success of the clubs was identifying talented children at a young age and teaching them sound fundamentals so they could reach their full potential. Tryouts were held by age group, and they were open to anyone. Your parents didn't have to have any army affiliatio to join CSKA. If your child was selected,the club was free of charge. It was affiliated with a sports school in Moscow that also provided the young athletes with an education. It was a great honor to be admitted to any sports club, but particularly CSKA, because sports was one fo the few means by which a Soviet citizen could travel and see the world; and top athletes also got many privileges unavailable to the ordinary citizen, like hard-to-find Moscow apartments, cars and relatively generous monthly stipends.
** [[w:Ekaterina Gordeeva|Ekaterina Gordeeva]], E. M. Swift, [https://books.google.com/books/about/My_Sergei.html?id=-_VtM87BABoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''My Sergei: A Love Story''], &quot;Childhood&quot;, (1996)

* By sports like these are all their cares beguil'd,&lt;br&gt;The sports of children satisfy the child.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 153.

===H===
* It is a poor sport that is not worth the candle.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651).

* In 1967, commentators told [[w:Kathrine Switzer|Katherine Switzer]] that her [[w:Uterus|uterus]] would collapse if she competed in the Boston Marathon (she finished, and it did not). Women didn’t gain clearance to compete in all the track events available to men at the Olympics until 2008. As women demolished the cultural barriers to competition, [[w:David Epstein|Epstein]] writes, they swiftly gained on men, prompting some commentators to argue that they’d eventually outrun them. But their quickening pace soon plateaued, while male runners are still “ever so slightly pulling away.” Today, the male world-record holder in the 100-meter [[sprint]] is 10 percent faster than the female record holder. The fastest male [[marathoner]] also boasts a 10 percent advantage over the fastest woman. This gap is not exclusive to [[running]]: In speedskating, the gulf is 9 percent; in the long jump, it’s 19 percent; in [[weightlifting]], it’s 25 percent. &lt;br&gt; Epstein argues that these physical and ability differences shouldn’t be leveraged to make a cultural determination about the relative worth of men and women’s sports: “If we wanted simply to see the fastest runners, we could have [[w:Cheetah|cheetahs]] race instead of humans,” he writes. “We must be vigilant to ensure that all women who want to compete have the opportunity to do so, but the idea that women’s athletic performances must be equivalent to men’s in order to be deemed remarkable belittles the achievements of female competitors.” 
* In a study of college students who grew up under the influence of [[w:Title IX|Title IX]], Hardin and Greer found that these students code certain sports as [[masculine]] or [[feminine]], and do so along the same lines that researchers did in 1965. They found that “sports that emphasized overt displays of [[aggression]] or [[strength]] were typed as [[masculine]], and non-contact sports that are either traditionally dominated by women ([[volleyball]]) or emphasize [[aesthetics]] ([[gymnastics]]) were typed as [[feminine]].” And as [[Adolescence|teenage]] girls develop differently from their male peers—and begin to confront gendered expectations for how they ought to use their [[bodies]]—“teenage girls drop out of sports at a rate that is six times higher than that of boys.”
** Amanda Hess, [https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/02/sex-differences-in-sports-why-we-love-watching-female-figure-skaters-but-not-female-basketball-players.html &quot;Why We Love Watching Female Figure Skaters, But Not Female Basketball Players&quot;], ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'', Feb 10, 2014

* ''Nec lusisse pudet, sed non incidere ludum.''
** The shame is not in having sported, but in not having broken off the sport.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'' (c. 20 BC and 14 BC),  I. 14. 36.

* This is worth living for; the whole sum of school-boy existence gathered up into one straining, struggling half-hour, a half-hour worth a year of common life.
** [[Thomas Hughes]], ''[[Tom Brown's School Days]]'' (1857), Part I, chapter 5.

* Many more people in the world are concerned with sports than with human rights.
** [[Samuel P. Huntington|S.P. Huntington]], ''The clash of civilizations and the remaking of world order'' (1997), by Samuel Phillips Huntington, Simon &amp; Schuster, p. 197.&lt;!--ISBN 9780684844411--&gt;

==J==
* Look at any list of the greatest [[w:Sports novel|sports books]] of all time and you will struggle to find a [[female]] [[w:Protagonist|protagonist]] represented. Female [[athletes]] have been written about in some perfectly commendable biographies, but there is no classic of sporting reportage that captures the essence of female competition in the manner of Norman Mailer’s The Fight. Nor has a fictional writer ever elevated women’s sport to the intellectual heights of, for instance, the baseball novels of [[Don DeLillo]] (''[[w:Underworld (novel)|Underworld]]''), Bernard Malamud (''[[w:The Natural|The Natural]]'') or [[Philip Roth]] (''[[w:The Great American Novel|The Great American Novel]]'').
**Emma John, [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/jul/28/where-are-the-great-books-about-women-in-sport “Where are all the great books about women in sport?”], ''The Guardian'', (Fri 28 Jul 2017; last modified on Wed 29 Nov 2017)

* In the case of the [[United States]], Chandler shows that rugby played at [[w:McGill University|McGill University]] in [[Canada]] heavily influenced the early development of football in [[America]]. Shortly after McGill played Harvard University in two matches in 1874, Harvard adopted most of the rugby rules used by McGill. Other American 'Ivy League' colleges soon followed Harvard's lead and embraced rugby, turning away from the soccer-style rules that had been in use. By the latter part of the nineteenth century, however, rule changes led to a distinctly American game that was significantly different from [[rugby union]]. These changes coincided with a heightened [[w:American nationalism|American nationalism]] that emerged from the 1876 centenary celebrations of independence where unique American cultural and sporting practices were valued, often at the expense of [[English]] ones. American masculinity became centered on strenuous physical activity embodied at the turn of the century in President [[Theodore Roosevelt]], and football was elevated to a leading position within this this strenuous masculinity.
** Timothy John Lindsay Chandler, John Nauright; [https://books.google.com/books?id=tZDdAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Making the Rugby World: Race, Gender, Commerce”] , p.xvii

* Theirry Terret shows that in France university students also played a key role in the early development of rugby. As in the USA, when rugby went to France it was not constrained by ties to imperial ideologies. In the late nineteenth century many French elites, however, shared the view of Baron Pierre de Coubertin that English sporting practices were superior ones that would reinvigorate the manhood of the French nation, seen to have been humiliated by the Prussians in 1870. As Terret argues, in France, and particularly in the south-west regions in and around the cities of [[w:Bordeaux|Bordeaux]] and [[w:Toulouse|Toulouse]], rugby rapidly departed from its English origins. Attempts by anglophile Parisians such as de Coubertin and Pashal Grousset were unsuccessful in transplanting English rugby practices to France. Rather, a distinctive playing style emerged centred on French concepts of masculinity and resistance to central authority. This manifested itself clearly in the rise of the game in the south-west where anti-Parisian sentiments were literally played out on the rugby field. 
** Timothy John, Lindsay Chandler, John Nauright; [https://books.google.com/books?id=tZDdAAAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Making the Rugby World: Race, Gender, Commerce”], pp. xviiii-xix

===L===
* It's important to understand that the [[money]] doesn't come from how well the players hit the five-iron or how accurate their putting is. &lt;br&gt; It comes from how well the events are packaged and marketed as a product. Too many women's sports are trying to [[compete]] with [[men]]'s sports on men's terms. They're chasing after the same [[w:Corporate sponsorship|sponsors]] and the same [[w:TV channels|TV channels]]. &lt;br&gt; &quot;Because of the male-biased demographics of those channels, they don't necessarily get the same [[w:Viewing figures|viewing figures]], creating a [[perception]] that the [[audience]] isn't there for women's sports and that it's just an add-on to the men's game.
** Mark Lichtenhein, [https://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/female-athletes-paid-males-180114100158659.html “Why are female athletes still paid less than males?”], ''Al Jazeera'', (20 Jan 2018).

* Do not imagine that there is any bird more easily caught by decoy, nor any fish sooner fixed on the hook by wormy bait, than are all these poor fools neatly tricked into servitude by the slightest feather passed, so to speak, before their mouths. Truly it is a marvelous thing that they let themselves be caught so quickly at the slightest tickling of their fancy. Plays, farces, spectacles, gladiators, strange beasts, medals, pictures, and other such opiates, these were for ancient peoples the bait toward slavery, the price of their liberty, the instruments of tyranny. By these practices and enticements the ancient dictators so successfully lulled their subjects under the yoke, that the stupefied peoples, fascinated by the pastimes and vain pleasures flashed before their eyes, learned subservience as naïvely, but not so creditably, as little children learn to read by looking at bright picture books.
** [[Étienne de La Boétie]], ''[[Discourse on Voluntary Servitude]]'' (1549), Part 2

* One great reason why many [[children]] abandon themselves wholly to silly sports, and trifle away all their [[time]] insipidly, is, because they have found their [[curiosity]] baulk'd, and their inquiries [[neglected]].
** [[John Locke]], ''Some Thoughts Concerning Education'' (1693), § 118

===M===
[[File:Tony_Estanguet.jpg|thumb|right|Sports have the power to change the world.]]
* Sports have the [[power]] to change the [[world]]. It has the power to [[inspire]], the power to [[unite]] people in a way that little else does. It speaks to [[youth]] in a [[language]] they understand. Sports can create [[hope]], where there was once only [[despair]]. It is more powerful than [[governments]] in breaking down [[racial]] barriers. It [[laughs]] in the [[face]] of all types of [[discrimination]]. Sports is the [[game]] of [[lovers]].
** [[Nelson Mandela]] at [[w:1995 Rugby World Cup|1995 Rugby World Cup]], (24 June 1995); as qtd by Rob Hughes [https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/12/sports/soccer/12iht-soccer12.html “Nelson Mandela Grasped the Power of Sport”], ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]''. (June 11, 2013).

* When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport, than she makes me?
**[[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Apology far Raimond de Sebonde''; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 746

===O===
* Sport has nothing to do with [[fair]] [[play]]. It is bound up with [[hatred]], [[jealousy]], [[boastfulness]], disregard of all [[rules]] and [[sadistic]] [[pleasure]] in [[witnessing]] [[violence]]: in other words it is [[war]] minus the [[guns|shooting]].
** [[George Orwell]], 1945-12-14. &quot;[http://www.orwell.ru/library/articles/spirit/english/e_spirit The Sporting Spirit]&quot;, ''Tribune''.

==P==
* The global sport business - worth $145.3bn (£110bn), according to a PwC estimate- is far from a level playing field for both genders. &lt;br&gt; &quot;I cannot think of any other industry that has such a wage gap, really. Depending on country context and sport, a [[man]] can be [[w:Billionaire|billionaire]] and a [[woman]] [in the same discipline] cannot even get a minimum salary,&quot; says Beatrice Frey, sport partnership manager at UN Women.
* &quot;The top 100 athletes are a [[boys]]' club more than ever&quot;, wrote Forbes' sports reporter Kurt Badenhausen when the list was released, in June.
* &quot;For retired sportswomen it is particularly problematic. Not only have they not ever earned very much money, they've probably got no pension, no house, no security,&quot; says Hathorn. &lt;br&gt; &quot;And that's an issue for girls' [[aspirations]]: why would they want to become athletes if that's what the [[future]] holds?&quot;
* The father of the modern [[Olympic Games]], [[w:Pierre de Coubertin|Pierre de Coubertin]], described women's sport as an &quot;unaesthetic sight&quot; for the human [[eye]] and considered their participation would make the [[competition]] &quot;impractical, uninteresting&quot; and &quot;improper&quot; (although a few female athletes were allowed to take part after 1900).
* &quot;The participation is a problem that goes back to the school years: that's when it starts,&quot; says Ruth Holdaway, chief executive officer at advocacy group Women in Sport. &lt;br&gt; It has to do with their [[awareness]] of the [[body]], with how they are perceived and the gender [[w:Stereotypes|stereotypes]] they encounter, says Holdaway. &lt;br&gt; UN Women statistics show that a striking 49% of girls drop out of sport by the time they reach [[puberty]], and this has ramifications in professional and elite training later in life, research shows.
* And within the small amount of airtime received, the coverage of women's athletics is also more likely to be [[sexualised]], portraying athletes off court and out of uniform, with an emphasis &quot;on their physical attractiveness rather than their athletic competence&quot;, says Tucker Centre's director Mary Jo Kane.
* It is a self-perpetuating, &quot;chicken and egg&quot; cycle, equity advocators argue - audiences will not get excited about women's sport as it gets minimal exposure in the media, and the media would justify the lack of coverage by saying that female athletics do not generate enough audience engagement. &lt;br&gt; &quot;That is not a fair argument, you have to invest first at many levels, including marketing and promotion, to get the general public more involved, and then the return of the investment will be better,&quot; says Frey.
* &quot;Had our culture been used to seeing women rather than men playing [[rugby]] or [[football]] for generations, we would find the idea of men playing sports rather novel,&quot; adds Hathorn.
* &quot;I would promote that boys and girls play the same sports from [[w:Primary school|primary school]], because at that stage there are no major physical differences between them. If within the education system children start to play sports together, it would make a real difference in society,&quot; says Hathorn. &lt;br&gt; &quot;If we are closing the gap in the long term, we should really be working with young girls to help them change their behaviour, understand that sport is fun and it's something they are entitled to just as much as the boys,&quot; says Ruth Holdaway.
* There is an untapped [[market]] for the promotion of women's events and experts believe it is actually not just fair in principle, but also a good investment. &lt;br&gt; &quot;It is not a matter of [[charity]], it is a matter of smart [[business]] decisions,&quot; says Frey. &lt;br&gt; &quot;[[Corporations]] are now very interested in gender equality, if I were a company sponsoring for example the [[w:Premier League|Premier League]] I would be asking myself 'is this the right [[image]] for my company?', 'is being too bloke-y dangerous for my brand?'&quot;, says Hathorn. &lt;br&gt; &quot;'We have 50% of our clients who are women but we spend 99% of our money on sponsoring men's sports, is that right?' It clearly isn't&quot;.
** Valeria Perasso, [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-41685042 “100 Women: Is the gender pay gap in sport really closing?”], ''BBC'', 23 October 2017

===R===
*If somebody whispered to me, &quot;You can have your pick,&quot;&lt;br/&gt;If kind fortune came to woo me, when the gold was thick,&lt;br/&gt;I would still, by hill and hollow, round the world away,&lt;br/&gt;Stirring deeds of contest follow, till I'm bent and gray.
**[[w:Grantland Rice|Grantland Rice]], [http://fultonhistory.com/Newspapers%2023/Rome%20NY%20Daily%20Sentinel/Rome%20NY%20Daily%20Sentinel%201922%20Sep-Dec/Rome%20NY%20Daily%20Sentinel%201922%20Sep-Dec%20-%200086.pdf &quot;The Sportlightː The Sporting Writer Speaks,&quot;] ''The Rome Daily Sentinel'' (September 9, 1922)

===S===
*If all the year were playing holidays; &lt;br /&gt; to sport would be as tedious as work.
**[[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (1597), Act I, Scene II.

===T===
* God has enjoined us to deal calmly, gently, quietly, and peacefully with the Holy Spirit, because these things are alone in keeping with the goodness of His nature, with His tenderness and sensitiveness. ... Well, how shall this be made to accord with the shows? For the show always leads to spiritual agitation, since where there is pleasure, there is keenness of feeling giving pleasure its zest; and where there is keenness of feeling, there is rivalry giving in turn its zest to that. Then, too, where you have rivalry, you have rage, bitterness, wrath and grief, with all bad things which flow from them&amp;mdash;the whole entirely out of keeping with the religion of Christ.
** [[Tertullian]], [[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]], Chapter 15.

===V===
* The addiction to sports ... marks an arrested development of the man's moral nature.
** [[Thorstein Veblen]], ''The Theory of the Leisure Class'' (1899), Chapter 10

* Like modern sports generally, golf began to surge in popularity in the latter part of the 19th century, spreading far beyond its [[Scottish]] origins. The first Amateur Championship was held in 1885, and this, along with the patronage of leading figures, notably the politician and later Prime Minister [[Arthur Balfour]], led to a middle-class boom in golfing all over Britain and beyond. Real wages rose by over 60 percent between 1870 and 1890, which also expanded the middle class and gave more people disposable income. 
** John Nauright, Charles Parrish, [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=1598843001 “Sports Around the World: History, Culture, and Practice, Volume 2”], (2012), p. 101

==W==
[[File:National_Schools_Sevens_2016,_U13A_Final._After_the_first_try.jpg|thumb|right|This is worth living for; the whole sum of school-boy existence gathered up into one straining, struggling half-hour, a half-hour worth a year of common life. ~ Tom Brown's School Days (1857)]]
* In [[w:Georgian England|Georgian England]] there already existed a porous 'genteel' class including the lesser landed gentry, merchants, clerics, business and professional men; the term '[[w:Gentleman|gentleman]]' developed as an inclusive one to cover subtle variations in status. The nineteenth century boys' [[w:Boarding school|boarding school]] strengthened and institutionalised the ideal of the 'gentleman' and, significantly, cemented it with the elevation of sporting activity to a moral principle. [[w:Thomas Arnold|Thomas Arnold]], headmaster of [[w:Rugby School|Rugby School]] from 1828 to 1841, was a key figure in the development of the public school ethos. He was a passionate Christian and dedicated to imprinting Christina spiritual and moral ideals on his pupils. One of these, [[Thomas Hughes]], was deeply influences by Arnold and idealised his beliefs in the bestselling novel, ''[[w:Tom Brown's Schooldays|Tom Brown's Schooldays]]''. Arnold himself had never shown the slightest interest in sport, but Hughest made the [[educational]], [[spiritual]] and [[moral]] value of sport central to his book. His friend, the [[w:Christian socialism|Christian socialist]], [[w:Charles Kinglet|Charles Kinglet]], developed similar ideas in his novels ''[[w:Westward Ho!|Westward Ho!]]'' and ''[[w:Alton Locke|Alton Locke]]''. A [[journalist]] coined the term '[[w:Muscular Christianity|muscular Christianity]]' to describe the new importance these writers ascribed to sport and the moral and religious connotations it had suddenly acquired; muscular Christianity became effectively the label for an ideology or a new vision of the virtuous life: an exclusively [[masculine]] one.  &lt;br&gt; The ideal expressed the view that a healthy mind and [[soul]] should be housed in a healthy body. Sports, especially rugby and cricket, were invaluable. They fostered comradely spirit as well as physical fitness and courage, and they preserved the 'boyishness' of the youth in the man. This was the essential ideal for the builders of [[w:British Empire|the Empire]], which the [[British]] liked to believe was a [[moral]] and [[civilising]] [[w:Crusades|crusade]]. &lt;br&gt; Games and sport rather than '[[education]] and [[book]]ishness' were now considered the appropriate means of developing manly men fit both to protect the weak and to promote the patriotic ideals of Empire. Sport was a healthy alternative to the hellish secular temples of debauchery and degeneracy, the theatre and the public house. Even more importantly, organised sports taught certain moral values: fair play, courage in the fact of physical pain, the acceptance of loss and disappointment when losing, strict adherence to rules - the 'stiff upper lip', in other words.
** Elizabeth Wilson, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Love_Game.html?id=tir9CwAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Love Game: A History of Tennis, from Victorian Pastime to Global Phenomenon”], (2014), p. 31-32.

===X===
*For neither if there were a good boxer among the people, nor if there were a pentathlete or wrestling, nor again if there were someone swift of foot - which is most honoured of all men's deed of strength - would for this reason a city be better governed.
**[[Xenophanes]]
**{{cite book
|last=Lesher
|first=James H.
|title=Xenophanes of Colophon: fragments : a text and translation with a commentary
|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=LxxJXTviacgC&amp;pg=PA15
|accessdate=2011-03-25
|year=1992
|publisher=University of Toronto Press Incorporated
|id=ISBN 0-8020-8508-3
|pages=15
|quote=}}

==See also==
*[[:Category:Sports|List of pages about sports on Wikiquote]]
* [[Competition]]
* [[Exercise]]
* [[Olympic Games]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|sports}}

[[Category: Sports| ]]</text>
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    <title>Thor (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:Thor (film)|Thor]]''''' is a 2011 American superhero film based on the [[Thor (Marvel Comics)|comic book character of the same name]] published by Marvel Comics and is the fourth film released as part of the [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Marvel Cinematic Universe]]. The film tells the story of [[Thor]], the Norse God of [[Thunder]] who is exiled from his homeworld of Asgard to [[Earth]]. While there, he builds a relationship with scientist Jane Foster. However, Thor must stop his brother Loki, who intends to become the new king of Asgard.
:''Directed by [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]]. Written by [[w:Ashley Edward Miller|Ashley Edward Miller]], [[w:Zack Stentz|Zack Stentz]] and [[w:Don Payne|Don Payne]].'' 
{{center|'''Courage is immortal.'''}}

==Odin==
* Once, mankind accepted a simple truth: that they were not alone in this universe. Some worlds man believed home to their Gods. Others they knew to fear. From a realm of cold and darkness came the Frost Giants, threatening to plunge the mortal world into a new ice age. But humanity would not face this threat alone. Our armies drove the Frost Giants back into the heart of their own world. The cost was great. In the end, their king fell, and the source of their power was taken from them. With the last great war ended, we withdrew from the other worlds and returned home at the Realm Eternal, Asgard. And here we remain as the beacon of hope, shining out across the stars. And though we have fallen into man's myths and legends, it was Asgard and its warriors that brought peace to the universe.

==Dialogue==
:''[Incensed about Thor, Loki, Sif, and the Warriors Three's mission to Jötunheim, Odin brings them back to Asgard]''
:'''Thor''': Why did you bring us back?
:'''Odin''': Do you realize what you've done? What you've started?
:'''Thor''': I was protecting my home.
:'''Odin''': You cannot even protect your friends! How can you hope to protect a kingdom? ''[Throws Heimdall the sword. Heimdall catches it. He turns to Fandral, who was injured in the fight]'' Get him to a healing room! Now!
:'''Thor''': There won't be a kingdom to protect if you're afraid to act. The Jotuns must learn to fear me, just as they once feared you.
:'''Odin''': That's pride and vanity talking, not leadership. You've forgotten everything I taught you about a warrior's patience.
:'''Thor''': ''[Getting frustrated]'' While you wait and be patient, the Nine Realms laugh at us. The old ways are done. You'd stand giving speeches while Asgard falls!
:'''Odin''': ''[Suddenly shouting]'' '''''YOU ARE A VAIN, GREEDY, CRUEL BOY!!!'''''
:'''Thor''': ''[Just as loud]'' '''''AND ''YOU'' ARE AN ''OLD MAN AND A FOOL!!!'''''
:'''Odin''': ''[Hesitantly, obviously hurt]'' Yes. I was a fool... to think you were ready.
:'''Loki''': Father&amp;ndash;
:'''Odin''': ''[To Loki] '''''HAEEERGH!!!''''' [To Thor]'' Thor Odinson, you have betrayed the express command of your king. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of '''[[WAR]]!''' ''[starts stripping Thor's armor]'' You are unworthy of these realms! Unworthy of your title! ''You're unworthy!'' Of the loved ones you have betrayed. I now take from you your power! ''[seizes Mjolnir]'' In the name of my father ''[removes arm braces]'' and his father before, I, Odin Allfather, '''''CAST YOU OUT!!!''' [Banishes Thor to Earth; whispers to Mjolnir]'' Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. ''[Throws Mjolnir to Earth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thor''': You, What realm is this? Alfheim? Nornheim?
:'''Darcy Lewis''': [[w:New Mexico|New Mexico]]?
:'''Thor''': You dare threaten me, Thor, with so puny a...
:''[Darcy tasers Thor, Jane Foster and Erik Selvig look at her]''
:'''Lewis''': What? He was freaking me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thor and Jane are on the roof sitting next to a fire; Thor sees Jane suddenly go quiet]''
:'''Thor''': What's wrong?
:'''Jane''': S.H.I.E.L.D. Whatever they are, they're gonna do everything in their power to make sure this research never sees the light of day.
:'''Thor''': No, Jane. Listen to me. You must not give up. You must finish what you've started.
:'''Jane''': Why?
:'''Thor''': Because you're right. Here, look. ''[Opens her notebook]'' Your ancestors called it magic and you call it science. Well, I come from a place where they're one and the same thing. ''[Thor is connecting the circles in her notebook]''
:'''Jane''': What is that?
:'''Thor''': My father explained it to me like this, that your world is one of the Nine Realms of the Cosmos, linked to each other by the branches of Yggdrasil, the World Tree. Now you see it everyday without realizing. The images glimpsed through... what did you call it? This Hooble Telescope.
:'''Jane''': Hubble.
:'''Thor''': ''Hubble'' Telescope.
:'''Jane''': Tell me more.
:'''Thor''': So, the Nine Realms. ''[Points to circles]'' Now, there is Midgard, which is Earth. This is Alfheim. Vanaheim. Jötunheim. And Asgard. And that's where I come from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': What happened?
:'''Thor''': Nothing. We drank, we fought… Erik made his ancestors proud.
:'''Erik''': I still don't believe you're the god of thunder… but you ought to be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A S.H.I.E.L.D. patrol notices a massive robotic figure near town]''
:'''Agent Jasper Sitwell''': ''[Staring at the Destroyer]'' Is that one of Stark's? 
:'''Agent Phil Coulson''': I don't know. The guy never tells me anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thor approaches the Destroyer]''
:'''Thor''': Brother, whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am truly sorry. But these people are innocent. Taking their lives will gain you nothing. So take mine and end this.
:''[The Destroyer deactivates for a moment, but backhands Thor, throwing him back and severely injuring him]''
:'''Jane''': No! ''[Runs for Thor]''
:'''Thor''': It's over.
:'''Jane''': No. It's not over.
:'''Thor''': I mean, you're safe.
:'''Jane''': We're safe.
:'''Thor''': It's over. ''[Thor dies]''
:'''Jane''': No... no...
:''[Jane begins to cry and the Destroyer stomps away; Thor's sacrifice proves him worthy again, and Mjolnir returns to revive him in an flash of lightning]''
:'''Jane''': Oh... my... god.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jane approaches Thor after his revival]''
:'''Jane''': So is this how you normally look?
:'''Thor''': More or less.
:'''Jane''': ''[Impressed]'' It's a good look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Loki sees Thor try to destroy the Bifrost Bridge]''
:'''Loki''': What are you doing? '''''IF YOU DESTROY THE BRIDGE, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!''''' ''[Gets up and tries to prevent Thor from destroying the Bridge]''
:'''Thor''': Forgive me, Jane.
:''[Loki tries to stab him with Gungnir but he manages to destroy the Bifrost Bridge and save Jotunheim; the ensuing explosion sends them both flying in the air only to be caught by Odin before they fall over the Bridge]''
:'''Loki''': I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!
:'''Odin''': No, Loki.
:'''Thor''': Loki, no! ''[Loki lets go and falls into space]'' '''''NO!'''''
:'''Odin''': No.
:'''Jane''': ''[Sees anomaly disappear on telescope]'' It's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Odin''': You'll be a wise king.
:'''Thor''': There will never be a wiser king than you&amp;ndash; nor a better father. ''[Long pause]'' I have&amp;ndash; much to learn. I know that, now. Someday, perhaps&amp;ndash; I shall make you proud.
:'''Odin''': You've already made me proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thor approaches Heimdall who still remains Gatekeeper even with the Bifrost destroyed]''
:'''Thor''': So Earth is lost to us...
:'''Heimdall''': No. There is always hope. 
:'''Thor''': Can you see her? 
:'''Heimdall''': Yes. 
:'''Thor''': How is she? 
:'''Heimdall''': ''[Sees Jane fiddling at lab]'' She searches for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Post-credits scene: Dr. Selvig wanders around an underground base]''
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[Greeting him]'' Dr. Selvig.
:'''Selvig''': So, you're the man behind all this? It's quite a labyrinth. I was thinking that you had taken me down here to kill me.
:'''Fury''': I've been hearing about the New Mexico situation. Your work has impressed a lot of people who are much smarter than I am.
:'''Selvig''': I had a lot to work with: the Foster theory, a gateway to another dimension &amp;ndash; it's unprecedented &amp;ndash; isn't it?
:'''Fury''': Legend tells us one thing; history, another. But, every now and then, we find something that belongs to both. ''[Opens a suitcase, which contains a small [[w:Cosmic Cube|cube]]]''
:'''Selvig''': What is it?
:'''Fury''': Power, Doctor. If we figure out how to tap it, maybe unlimited power. 
:'''Loki''': ''[Appears, invisible, in a mirror and whispers to Selvig]'' Well, I guess that's worth a look. 
:'''Selvig''': Well, I guess that's worth a look. ''[Smiles]''

==Cast==
*Chris Hemsworth &amp;ndash; Thor
*[[Natalie Portman]] &amp;ndash; Jane Foster
*[[Anthony Hopkins]] &amp;ndash; Odin
*Tom Hiddleston &amp;ndash; Loki
*Stellan Skarsgård &amp;ndash; Dr Erik Selvig
*Idris Elba - Heimdall

== About ''Thor (film)'' ==
* I think we love the escapism of something like Cinderella and I think we do with Thor. And as long as we can believe that there is a connection between us and a bunch of guys riding on horses across a rainbow bridge in space and somehow connected to the Norse myths, we get the adventure, we get the escape, we get the immersion in another world that’s different from ours so we’re really happy to go to a big darkened room to see that. 
**[[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]], [http://www.denofgeek.us/movies/cinderella/244535/kenneth-branagh-interview-cinderella-thor-and-more  Interview: Cinderella, Thor, and More!], Don Kaye, ''DenofGeek.com'', Mar 12, 2015.
*'''VAN METER''': What bothers me about Thor is the same thing that irks me about Superman: he is just too damn super. At least he doesn’t have just one weakness like Superman with kryptonite. Is the new Thor as omnipotent? Or is he more complicated?
:'''HEMSWORTH''': His biggest challenges are his own personal demons and personality traits. He is a chip off the old block of his father. He has the tendency to think about problems in the form of destruction, or to act before he thinks, often with a fair amount of aggression. His journey is coming to terms with directing that passion in the right place and the responsibility of living up to expectations. And depending on what world he’s on and who he’s fighting, he certainly has people who are on the same level of strength who challenge him. But for us, it was about how to relate to someone with so much power, who is seemingly untouchable. I think there is a very human story in the center of it, about father and son and brother and brother.
*'''VAN METER''': Thor is a Norse god, so why does he speak with an old English accent and always say thee and thy?
:'''HEMSWORTH''': For whatever reason, we relate to anything godlike with an English accent. The English are very proud of that. And with anything Roman or gladiators, they have an English accent. For an audience, it is an easy trick to hook people in.
:* [[Chris Hemsworth]] in [https://www.interviewmagazine.com/film/chris-hemsworth &quot;Chris Hemsworth&quot;] ''Interview Magazine'', April 18, 2011

* At the beginning of this film, he’s certainly a brash, cocky warrior who’s about to inherit the keys to the kingdom, and his father thinks that he’s not ready. It’s the journey of him learning some humility through the film. I think he’s one of those people who has his heart in the right place. He’s doing what he’s doing for his family and to protect the kingdom, and he thinks it’s the right way to do it. It just happens to be a very aggressive way of doing it, which probably isn’t the right way. It’s about tempering that raw emotion that he drives off most of the time, into the right direction.
:* Chris Hemsworth in [http://collider.com/comic-con-thor-interview-chris-hemsworth-interview-thor/ &quot;SDCC 2010: Chris Hemsworth Interview THOR&quot;] by Christina Radish, ''Collider'', July 27, 2010

*'''Q''': Chris, with the physical demands of the role aside, how did you approach the role of The Mighty Thor?
:'''HEMSWORTH''': I started with the comic books. I didn’t read all of them – there are 40 or 50 years worth – but I certainly read enough to get a sense of who he was and the world he was from. And then, I read some things on Norse mythology and the fatalistic view they have, that everything is pre-ordained. That would lead the Vikings into a fearless attitude in battle and with their lives. They would certainly back their opinions and they were not swayed easily. That spoke volumes to me about the character. You fill your head with whatever information and research you have, but on set it was just about making it truthful and finding a simpler way that I could relate to it. Instead of thinking about how to play a powerful God, it became about scenes between fathers and sons, and brothers. You personalize that and that helps ground the story for an audience. That way, we can relate to it and, hopefully, an audience can too.
:* Chris Hemsworth, [http://collider.com/chris-hemsworth-tom-hiddleston-and-anthony-hopkins-interview-thor/ &quot;Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston and Anthony Hopkins Interview THOR&quot;], Christina Radish, ''Collider'', May 3, 2011.

*'''Q''': Tom, did you see Loki as the hero of the movie?
:'''TOM HIDDLESTON''': Well, I think there are no villains in this world. There are just misunderstood heroes. I think Loki thinks he is the hero. Essentially, if you boil this film down to this barest elements, it’s about a father and two sons, and both those sons are brothers competing for the love and affection and pride of their father, Odin, played by Tony [Hopkins]. There’s a deeply misguided intention within Loki, and he has a damage within him. He just goes about getting that pride in the wrong way.
*'''Q''': Tom, when you were crafting Loki, was it with a trajectory towards The Avengers? Will Loki continue down that path in The Avengers?
:'''HIDDLESTON:''' Really, I took the character that I saw in the comics. Loki is a master of magic, and in the Marvel Universe, he’s the agent of chaos. His super-power is his intelligence, if you like. He’s a shape-shifter and has the ability to stay 10 steps ahead of everybody else. So, Ken, Chris, Tony and I all talked about having those layers. He’s someone with a fierce intelligence, but also a very damaged heart.
:* [[w:Tom Hiddleston|Tom Hiddleston]], ibid

==Taglines==
*Two Worlds. One hero.
*Courage is immortal.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Official website|http://thor.marvel.com/}}
* [http://marvel.com/movies/thor.thor ''Thor'' Movie Hub] at [[Marvel Comics|Marvel.com]]
* {{Allmovie title|411473|Thor}}
* {{IMDb title|0800369|Thor}}
* {{metacritic film|thor|Thor}}
* {{mojo title|thor|Thor}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|1197233-thor|Thor}}

[[Category:2011 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Science fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films with gods]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:Thor films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kenneth Branagh]]</text>
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    <title>Gnomeo &amp; Juliet</title>
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'''''[[w:Gnomeo &amp; Juliet|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet]]''''' is a 2011 American-British computer-animated family film. It is about two gnomes, the brave Gnomeo ([[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]]) and the beautiful Juliet ([[Emily Blunt]]), who fall in love, only to discover that their &quot;teams&quot; are against each other and that their love must be a secret. Here is a list of quotes from the movie, by character.
{{center|'''An epic tale on a tiny scale.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Gnomeo==
*''[Practicing flirting with Juliet]'' Nice name. It really goes with your...eyes.
*Well, I ''grabbed'' it first, but if you want it, come get it.
*Who's your gnomie?
*Well, this isn't my greenhouse.
*Nice greenhouse, eh?
*Tybalt, you just crossed the line!
*''[To Juliet, after she tells him to leave]'' I'm not going anywhere.
*No, no, no, no. He was putting you in the attic.
*Okay, fine. Just wait'll you see what daycare’s vulture
*Daycare is a sad lonely place for washed up old toys who have no owners.
*Oh, you'll see. As soon as we get to daycare, you'll be begging to go home.
*1225 Sycamore.
*Who is Velocistar237?
*Alright, alright. Sycamore. Okay, enter.
*Please don't be far. Please. Please.
*Right around the corner?
*It's right around the corner!!
*You've got a date with justice, Tybalt.
*Spare us your lies, temptress! and to be immune to my bewitching good looks.
*It's a little unsanitary but, ho!
*YARD SALE! Guys, wake up, wake up, there's a yard sale outside!
*Hello! H-hi! Hello!
*Well, what a good idea.
*Japan? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't go to Japan.
*Halt! Who goes there?!
*Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Juliet!
*Oh, you're a great dad. Yippee!
*All right! All right! Next tape!
*Gee, maybe we went too far.
*Hold it right there!
*I'll never give in! You killed my father!

==Juliet==
* ''[shouts]'' I'm not delicate!
* &quot;Who's your gnomie?&quot; ''[grabs the flower]'' Who's your gnomie now?
* ''[While Paris serenades her badly; sarcastically]'' Oh, my dad sure knows how to choose 'em.
* I saw it first!
* What's in a gnome?
*Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like... like a leprechaun... or purple like, ummm, like some weird guy - I mean what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it?
*Gnomeo! We're your friends!
*Great. Now you can go.
*It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?!
*Tybalt, this isn't fair!
*No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't!
*I won't go back in the dark!
*That's in Japan!
*What is wrong with you?
*WHAT!? You can't keep me inside forever!

== Benny ==
*A cheat! A cheat, that's what you are!
*''[not seen, but voice heard]'' Well, you don't get much stealthier than this. ''[Camera turns to reveal Benny wearing a flower costume]'' Hello!
*I love going Commando! 
*''[After seeing Ms. Montague order the Kitten Clipper instead of the Terrafirminator; shocked]'' Not the Kitten Clipper?! Oh no...
*At last! I'm gonna get played with!
*Come to papa!
*I love playtime!
*''[laughing]'' Okay. ''[snorting]'' A little help here, please?
*Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up!
*Hey, guys! Look! It's not the walls! It's the elevator!
*Hey, everybody, it's here! It's here!
*Ha-ha! Just kidding!
*Owww! My sniffer!
*No, no, no, no!

== Tybalt ==
*Sucker!
*No!
*Oh, please, please, my friends. Tell me something I don't already know.
*Well, Benny. I didn't think it was possible, but your mouth is getting even bigger than your hat!
*Yeah. The finish line.
*Adios, loser!
*Get them, you idiots!
*Well, do I look like a begonia?
*Find them!
*Juliet, you're not allowed off your pedestal. What are you doing out in the alley?
*We're looking for a blue gnome. Yeah, he's an ugly little fella. Got a scratch right here.
*You haven't seen him, have you?
*Well, lucky you.
*Come on, let's get inside.
*Find their weak spot.
*Damage. Lots and lots of damage.
*Such a big hat, for such a small gnome.
*You boys fancy a little bit of fun? Let's take this baby out into the alley.
*We're gonna have a smashing time!
*Well, if it isn't little big-hat Benny. Mess with our garden, will ya?
*Ooh, that felt good.
*You wouldn't attack an unarmed gnome, would ya?
*Pity!
*You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick, do ya? What wall?
*Oh, that wall.
*The Monkey's the eye in the sky. He sees everything. Classrooms.
*Hallways.
*You can unlock doors, sneak past guards, climb the wall but if you don't take out that monkey, you ain't goin' nowhere. You wanna get outta here? Get rid of that monkey!
*What?! You want your mommy back? She never loved you! Don't be such a baby!
*Push em in! All of em!
*This is what happens when you dummies try to think! We're all just trash, waitin' to be thrown away! That's all a toy is.
*Hey! Stop it! Put me down you idiot! Aaah!
*No! No! Wait a minute!
*Where's your kid now, Gnomeo?
*She REPLACED us!
*Not him. I think this potato needs to learn himself some manners. Take him to the box.
*Good work, Gnomeo. Now lock em up!

== Nanette ==
*''[when Juliet leaves for the flower]'' TAKE CARE! I'LL TELL YOUR DAD YOU'RE DOING YOUR HAIR!
*You saved their lives? Oh, my hero! And they're so adorable! Let's adopt them!

== Featherstone ==
*I may not be a smart bird, but I know what love is.
*Oh, I'm sure scared!
*Chocolate's in stranger, chocolate's in stranger...
*Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song comin' on!
*Oh no! Oh no, I think I swallowed my squeaker!

==Other==
*'''Dolly Gnome''': Now, I know you know the rules and I don't have to repeat them, but I'm gonna 'cause I wanna, and here they are.
*'''Bill Shakespeare''': [''Upon noticing the huge explosion in the background; smug''] Told you so!
== Dialogue ==
:'''Lady Bluebury''': ''[to Lord Redbrick; about his prized tulips]'' Your tulips are looking a little limp this year, aren't they? 
:'''Lord Redbrick''': ''[offended]''  Oh! I don't like what you're incinerating. 
:'''Bluebury''': The proper word is &quot;insinuating&quot;, illiterate. 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[angry]'' I am not illiterate! My parents were married!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': When will you realize you're delicate? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[turns and faces her father; angry]'' I'm not ''delicate! [kicks her plastic rose off her pedestal]'' 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[walks away; annoyed]'' Stubborn girl. 
:'''Nanette''': ''[removes the rose from her mouth]'' She's ''definitely'' not ''delicate''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': You're the greatest boss, the greatest by far! ''[nudges the little red gnomes]''
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': The greatest, the greatest by far.
:'''Benny''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! 
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! ''[getting kicked by Fawn]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Juliet returns to the Red Garden after meeting Gnomeo]''
:'''Nanette''': What happened to that very important, life changing orchid? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[walking away]'' Um. Uh. Wha-What orchid? What?
:'''Nanette''': Hmm. Shut up. You met a boy!
:'''Juliet''': What? No. Well, maybe of sort of...Yes. Yes, I did.
:'''Nanette''': I need details! And go slowly! Is he totally gorgeous? 
:'''Juliet''': Totally.
:'''Nanette''': Does he have a nice rotund belly?
:'''Juliet''': Well, let's call it sturdy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Are you losing the war in your garden? Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon - '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's the most ruthless, 500-horsepower, grass-dominating piece of hardware the world has ever seen! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's unnecessarily POWERFUL! Now with 75 percent more POWER! It clears! CLEARS! It digs! DIGS! It mows! MOWS! Your lawn will be AFRAID to grow! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's a weapon of grass '''''DESTRUCTION!!!!!'''''
:'''Disclaimer''': Terrafirminator will not inhibit grass from growing. Not recommended for residential use. Brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like...like a leprechaun...or purple like, ummm, like [[w:Waluigi|some weird guy]]. I mean, what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[revealing himself]'' No, no, it shouldn't! I couldn't have said it better myself! 
:'''Juliet''': ''[surprised]'' Oh, my giddy aunt, did you just hear all that? What are you doing here? 
:'''Gnomeo''': I don't know! I just wanted to, uh... ''[chuckles nervously]'' ...I just wanted to see you again!
:'''Juliet''': Are you crazy? If my dad finds you, he'll bury you under the patio! 
:'''Gnomeo''': &quot;Finds me&quot;, are you joking? &quot;Stealth&quot; is my middle name! ''[accidentally steps on the button which sets off a display of bright lights]''
:'''Juliet''': Turn it off!
:'''Gnomeo:''' I'm trying. 
:'''Juliet:''' Do something!
:'''Gnomeo''': The button's stuck! Come on.
:'''Redbrick''': AAH! JULIET! 
:'''Gnomeo''': It won't turn off!
:'''Juliet''': There's something behind you!
:'''Gnomeo''': Shroom! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Nanette''': Juliet, what’s with the...? Ooh! You look like a fun-gi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': ''[About Gnomeo, who infiltrated the Red garden; angry]'' When I find him, he'll be sleeping with the fishes! 
:''[Cut to Gnomeo and Shroom sitting at the bottom of the pond]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': ''[About Tybalt's well being vandalized by spray paint]'' Why would anyone ever do this to Tybalt?
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': Because nobody likes him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': He's a blue.
:'''Gnomeo''': And she's a red.
:'''Featherstone''': And I'm pink! Who cares?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gnomeo''': Hey there, Juliet. What a name. It's a great name. Goes with your...eyes. You're looking really cool. You’re looking good. Did It hurt when you fell down from heaven? That’s a killer, man. Yeah, no. You're looking cool. Yeah. How's it going with you, baby?
:'''Juliet''': ''[arrives]'' Oh, I'm fine, baby, how are you.
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[surprised]'' Uh, I, uh, never better.
:''[Juliet is worried someone may have heard the collapse of a log pile]''
:'''Juliet''': ''[anxiously]'' Do you think anyone heard that?
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[whispering]'' There's nobody here. 
:'''Juliet''': ''[also whispering]'' Then why are you whispering? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[flirtatiously]'' Why are you whispering? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[giggles, then spots something behind Gnomeo; excited]'' Wow, look at that! ''[runs towards it]'']
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[disappointed]'' I guess we're finished with the whispering thing!
:'''Juliet''': It's a 1950s MacAllister Ranger. Let's start her up!
:'''Gnomeo''': Yeah! Okay. Check out the power on this beauty. She's empty. Bingo.
:'''Juliet''': Hey, try this.
:'''Gnomeo''': Thanks. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry Bollea ''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' Are you losing the war in your garden?
:'''Benny''': Never!
:'''Terry Bollea''': Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon!
:'''Benny''': Bring it on.
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' 
:'''Benny''': This one's for Gnomeo! ''[selects the Terrafirminator]''
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''''MEOW!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tybalt''': The Monkey's the eye in the sky. He sees everything. Classrooms.

== Taglines==
*An epic tale on a tiny scale.
*Every day they sit and wait. But when we're away their adventure begins.
*A timeless feud. A forbidden love. An epic battle.
*A little adventure goes a lawn way.

== Cast ==
*[[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]] - Gnomeo
*[[Emily Blunt]] - Juliet
*[[Michael Caine]] - Lord Redbrick
*[[w:Jason Statham|Jason Statham]] - Tybalt
*[[Maggie Smith]] - Lady Bluebury
*[[Patrick Stewart]] - a statue of [[William Shakespeare]]
*[[w:Ashley Jensen|Ashley Jensen]] - Nanette
*[[w:Matt Lucas|Matt Lucas]] - Benny
*[[w:Stephen Merchant|Stephen Merchant]] - Paris
*[[Ozzy Osbourne]] - Fawn
*[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Featherstone
*[[w:Hollywood Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]] - Terrafirminator V.O.
*[[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - Ms. Montague
*[[w:Richard Wilson (Scottish actor)|Richard Wilson]] - Mr. Capulet
*[[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]] - Red Goon Gnomes
*[[Dolly Parton]] - Dolly Gnome
* Julia Braams - Stone Fish 
* [[w:James Daniel Wilson|James Daniel Wilson]] as Fishing Gnome
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] - Conjoined Gnome Left
* Julio Bonet -  Mankini Gnome
* Neil McCaul - Conjoined Gnome Right
* Maurissa Horwitz - Call Me Doll
* John Todd - Dancer (uncredited)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet}}
*{{imdb title|id=0377981|title=Gnomeo and Juliet}}

[[Category:2011 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:2010s British animated films]]
[[Category:British computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:British children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Films based on plays]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:American animated romance films]]
[[Category:British animated romance films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by William Shakespeare]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Gnomeo &amp; Juliet|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet]]''''' is a 2011 American-British computer-animated family film. It is about two gnomes, the brave Gnomeo ([[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]]) and the beautiful Juliet ([[Emily Blunt]]), who fall in love, only to discover that their &quot;teams&quot; are against each other and that their love must be a secret. Here is a list of quotes from the movie, by character.
{{center|'''An epic tale on a tiny scale.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Gnomeo==
*''[Practicing flirting with Juliet]'' Nice name. It really goes with your...eyes.
*Well, I ''grabbed'' it first, but if you want it, come get it.
*Who's your gnomie?
*Well, this isn't my greenhouse.
*Nice greenhouse, eh?
*Tybalt, you just crossed the line!
*''[To Juliet, after she tells him to leave]'' I'm not going anywhere.
*No, no, no, no. He was putting you in the attic.
*Okay, fine. Just wait'll you see what daycare’s vulture
*Daycare is a sad lonely place for washed up old toys who have no owners.
*Oh, you'll see. As soon as we get to daycare, you'll be begging to go home.
*1225 Sycamore.
*Who is Velocistar237?
*Alright, alright. Sycamore. Okay, enter.
*Please don't be far. Please. Please.
*Right around the corner?
*It's right around the corner!!
*You've got a date with justice, Tybalt.
*Spare us your lies, temptress! and to be immune to my bewitching good looks.
*It's a little unsanitary but, ho!
*YARD SALE! Guys, wake up, wake up, there's a yard sale outside!
*Hello! H-hi! Hello!
*Well, what a good idea.
*Japan? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't go to Japan.
*Halt! Who goes there?!
*Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Juliet!
*Oh, you're a great dad. Yippee!
*All right! All right! Next tape!
*Gee, maybe we went too far.
*Hold it right there!
*I'll never give in! You killed my father!

==Juliet==
* ''[shouts]'' I'm not delicate!
* &quot;Who's your gnomie?&quot; ''[grabs the flower]'' Who's your gnomie now?
* ''[While Paris serenades her badly; sarcastically]'' Oh, my dad sure knows how to choose 'em.
* I saw it first!
* What's in a gnome?
*Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like... like a leprechaun... or purple like, ummm, like some weird guy - I mean what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it?
*Gnomeo! We're your friends!
*Great. Now you can go.
*It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?!
*Tybalt, this isn't fair!
*No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't!
*I won't go back in the dark!
*That's in Japan!
*What is wrong with you?
*WHAT!? You can't keep me inside forever!

== Benny ==
*A cheat! A cheat, that's what you are!
*''[not seen, but voice heard]'' Well, you don't get much stealthier than this. ''[Camera turns to reveal Benny wearing a flower costume]'' Hello!
*I love going Commando! 
*''[After seeing Ms. Montague order the Kitten Clipper instead of the Terrafirminator; shocked]'' Not the Kitten Clipper?! Oh no...
*At last! I'm gonna get played with!
*Come to papa!
*I love playtime!
*''[laughing]'' Okay. ''[snorting]'' A little help here, please?
*Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up!
*Hey, guys! Look! It's not the walls! It's the elevator!
*Hey, everybody, it's here! It's here!
*Ha-ha! Just kidding!
*Owww! My sniffer!
*No, no, no, no!

== Tybalt ==
*Sucker!
*No!
*Oh, please, please, my friends. Tell me something I don't already know.
*Well, Benny. I didn't think it was possible, but your mouth is getting even bigger than your hat!
*Yeah. The finish line.
*Adios, loser!
*Get them, you idiots!
*Well, do I look like a begonia?
*Find them!
*Juliet, you're not allowed off your pedestal. What are you doing out in the alley?
*We're looking for a blue gnome. Yeah, he's an ugly little fella. Got a scratch right here.
*You haven't seen him, have you?
*Well, lucky you.
*Come on, let's get inside.
*Find their weak spot.
*Damage. Lots and lots of damage.
*Such a big hat, for such a small gnome.
*You boys fancy a little bit of fun? Let's take this baby out into the alley.
*We're gonna have a smashing time!
*Well, if it isn't little big-hat Benny. Mess with our garden, will ya?
*Ooh, that felt good.
*You wouldn't attack an unarmed gnome, would ya?
*Pity!
*You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick, do ya? What wall?
*Oh, that wall.

== Nanette ==
*''[when Juliet leaves for the flower]'' TAKE CARE! I'LL TELL YOUR DAD YOU'RE DOING YOUR HAIR!
*You saved their lives? Oh, my hero! And they're so adorable! Let's adopt them!

== Featherstone ==
*I may not be a smart bird, but I know what love is.
*Oh, I'm sure scared!
*Chocolate's in stranger, chocolate's in stranger...
*Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song comin' on!
*Oh no! Oh no, I think I swallowed my squeaker!

==Other==
*'''Dolly Gnome''': Now, I know you know the rules and I don't have to repeat them, but I'm gonna 'cause I wanna, and here they are.
*'''Bill Shakespeare''': [''Upon noticing the huge explosion in the background; smug''] Told you so!
== Dialogue ==
:'''Lady Bluebury''': ''[to Lord Redbrick; about his prized tulips]'' Your tulips are looking a little limp this year, aren't they? 
:'''Lord Redbrick''': ''[offended]''  Oh! I don't like what you're incinerating. 
:'''Bluebury''': The proper word is &quot;insinuating&quot;, illiterate. 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[angry]'' I am not illiterate! My parents were married!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': When will you realize you're delicate? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[turns and faces her father; angry]'' I'm not ''delicate! [kicks her plastic rose off her pedestal]'' 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[walks away; annoyed]'' Stubborn girl. 
:'''Nanette''': ''[removes the rose from her mouth]'' She's ''definitely'' not ''delicate''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': You're the greatest boss, the greatest by far! ''[nudges the little red gnomes]''
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': The greatest, the greatest by far.
:'''Benny''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! 
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! ''[getting kicked by Fawn]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Juliet returns to the Red Garden after meeting Gnomeo]''
:'''Nanette''': What happened to that very important, life changing orchid? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[walking away]'' Um. Uh. Wha-What orchid? What?
:'''Nanette''': Hmm. Shut up. You met a boy!
:'''Juliet''': What? No. Well, maybe of sort of...Yes. Yes, I did.
:'''Nanette''': I need details! And go slowly! Is he totally gorgeous? 
:'''Juliet''': Totally.
:'''Nanette''': Does he have a nice rotund belly?
:'''Juliet''': Well, let's call it sturdy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Are you losing the war in your garden? Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon - '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's the most ruthless, 500-horsepower, grass-dominating piece of hardware the world has ever seen! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's unnecessarily POWERFUL! Now with 75 percent more POWER! It clears! CLEARS! It digs! DIGS! It mows! MOWS! Your lawn will be AFRAID to grow! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's a weapon of grass '''''DESTRUCTION!!!!!'''''
:'''Disclaimer''': Terrafirminator will not inhibit grass from growing. Not recommended for residential use. Brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like...like a leprechaun...or purple like, ummm, like [[w:Waluigi|some weird guy]]. I mean, what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[revealing himself]'' No, no, it shouldn't! I couldn't have said it better myself! 
:'''Juliet''': ''[surprised]'' Oh, my giddy aunt, did you just hear all that? What are you doing here? 
:'''Gnomeo''': I don't know! I just wanted to, uh... ''[chuckles nervously]'' ...I just wanted to see you again!
:'''Juliet''': Are you crazy? If my dad finds you, he'll bury you under the patio! 
:'''Gnomeo''': &quot;Finds me&quot;, are you joking? &quot;Stealth&quot; is my middle name! ''[accidentally steps on the button which sets off a display of bright lights]''
:'''Juliet''': Turn it off!
:'''Gnomeo:''' I'm trying. 
:'''Juliet:''' Do something!
:'''Gnomeo''': The button's stuck! Come on.
:'''Redbrick''': AAH! JULIET! 
:'''Gnomeo''': It won't turn off!
:'''Juliet''': There's something behind you!
:'''Gnomeo''': Shroom! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Nanette''': Juliet, what’s with the...? Ooh! You look like a fun-gi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': ''[About Gnomeo, who infiltrated the Red garden; angry]'' When I find him, he'll be sleeping with the fishes! 
:''[Cut to Gnomeo and Shroom sitting at the bottom of the pond]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': ''[About Tybalt's well being vandalized by spray paint]'' Why would anyone ever do this to Tybalt?
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': Because nobody likes him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': He's a blue.
:'''Gnomeo''': And she's a red.
:'''Featherstone''': And I'm pink! Who cares?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gnomeo''': Hey there, Juliet. What a name. It's a great name. Goes with your...eyes. You're looking really cool. You’re looking good. Did It hurt when you fell down from heaven? That’s a killer, man. Yeah, no. You're looking cool. Yeah. How's it going with you, baby?
:'''Juliet''': ''[arrives]'' Oh, I'm fine, baby, how are you.
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[surprised]'' Uh, I, uh, never better.
:''[Juliet is worried someone may have heard the collapse of a log pile]''
:'''Juliet''': ''[anxiously]'' Do you think anyone heard that?
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[whispering]'' There's nobody here. 
:'''Juliet''': ''[also whispering]'' Then why are you whispering? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[flirtatiously]'' Why are you whispering? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[giggles, then spots something behind Gnomeo; excited]'' Wow, look at that! ''[runs towards it]'']
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[disappointed]'' I guess we're finished with the whispering thing!
:'''Juliet''': It's a 1950s MacAllister Ranger. Let's start her up!
:'''Gnomeo''': Yeah! Okay. Check out the power on this beauty. She's empty. Bingo.
:'''Juliet''': Hey, try this.
:'''Gnomeo''': Thanks. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry Bollea ''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' Are you losing the war in your garden?
:'''Benny''': Never!
:'''Terry Bollea''': Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon!
:'''Benny''': Bring it on.
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' 
:'''Benny''': This one's for Gnomeo! ''[selects the Terrafirminator]''
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''''MEOW!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tybalt''': The Monkey's the eye in the sky. He sees everything. Classrooms.

== Taglines==
*An epic tale on a tiny scale.
*Every day they sit and wait. But when we're away their adventure begins.
*A timeless feud. A forbidden love. An epic battle.
*A little adventure goes a lawn way.

== Cast ==
*[[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]] - Gnomeo
*[[Emily Blunt]] - Juliet
*[[Michael Caine]] - Lord Redbrick
*[[w:Jason Statham|Jason Statham]] - Tybalt
*[[Maggie Smith]] - Lady Bluebury
*[[Patrick Stewart]] - a statue of [[William Shakespeare]]
*[[w:Ashley Jensen|Ashley Jensen]] - Nanette
*[[w:Matt Lucas|Matt Lucas]] - Benny
*[[w:Stephen Merchant|Stephen Merchant]] - Paris
*[[Ozzy Osbourne]] - Fawn
*[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Featherstone
*[[w:Hollywood Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]] - Terrafirminator V.O.
*[[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - Ms. Montague
*[[w:Richard Wilson (Scottish actor)|Richard Wilson]] - Mr. Capulet
*[[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]] - Red Goon Gnomes
*[[Dolly Parton]] - Dolly Gnome
* Julia Braams - Stone Fish 
* [[w:James Daniel Wilson|James Daniel Wilson]] as Fishing Gnome
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] - Conjoined Gnome Left
* Julio Bonet -  Mankini Gnome
* Neil McCaul - Conjoined Gnome Right
* Maurissa Horwitz - Call Me Doll
* John Todd - Dancer (uncredited)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet}}
*{{imdb title|id=0377981|title=Gnomeo and Juliet}}

[[Category:2011 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:2010s British animated films]]
[[Category:British computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:British children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Films based on plays]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:American animated romance films]]
[[Category:British animated romance films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by William Shakespeare]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607058</id>
      <parentid>3607057</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:32:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2.36.56.10</ip>
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      <text bytes="12734" sha1="stduckwrod9ssr23n48wqacc3yo2vat" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Gnomeo &amp; Juliet|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet]]''''' is a 2011 American-British computer-animated family film. It is about two gnomes, the brave Gnomeo ([[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]]) and the beautiful Juliet ([[Emily Blunt]]), who fall in love, only to discover that their &quot;teams&quot; are against each other and that their love must be a secret. Here is a list of quotes from the movie, by character.
{{center|'''An epic tale on a tiny scale.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Gnomeo==
*''[Practicing flirting with Juliet]'' Nice name. It really goes with your...eyes.
*Well, I ''grabbed'' it first, but if you want it, come get it.
*Who's your gnomie?
*Well, this isn't my greenhouse.
*Nice greenhouse, eh?
*Tybalt, you just crossed the line!
*''[To Juliet, after she tells him to leave]'' I'm not going anywhere.
*No, no, no, no. He was putting you in the attic.
*Okay, fine. Just wait'll you see what daycare’s vulture
*Daycare is a sad lonely place for washed up old toys who have no owners.
*Oh, you'll see. As soon as we get to daycare, you'll be begging to go home.
*1225 Sycamore.
*Who is Velocistar237?
*Alright, alright. Sycamore. Okay, enter.
*Please don't be far. Please. Please.
*Right around the corner?
*It's right around the corner!!
*You've got a date with justice, Tybalt.
*Spare us your lies, temptress! and to be immune to my bewitching good looks.
*It's a little unsanitary but, ho!
*YARD SALE! Guys, wake up, wake up, there's a yard sale outside!
*Hello! H-hi! Hello!
*Well, what a good idea.
*Japan? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't go to Japan.
*Halt! Who goes there?!
*Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Juliet!
*Oh, you're a great dad. Yippee!
*All right! All right! Next tape!
*Gee, maybe we went too far.
*Hold it right there!
*I'll never give in! You killed my father!

==Juliet==
* ''[shouts]'' I'm not delicate!
* &quot;Who's your gnomie?&quot; ''[grabs the flower]'' Who's your gnomie now?
* ''[While Paris serenades her badly; sarcastically]'' Oh, my dad sure knows how to choose 'em.
* I saw it first!
* What's in a gnome?
*Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like... like a leprechaun... or purple like, ummm, like some weird guy - I mean what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it?
*Gnomeo! We're your friends!
*Great. Now you can go.
*It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?!
*Tybalt, this isn't fair!
*No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't!
*I won't go back in the dark!
*That's in Japan!
*What is wrong with you?
*WHAT!? You can't keep me inside forever!

== Benny ==
*A cheat! A cheat, that's what you are!
*''[not seen, but voice heard]'' Well, you don't get much stealthier than this. ''[Camera turns to reveal Benny wearing a flower costume]'' Hello!
*I love going Commando! 
*''[After seeing Ms. Montague order the Kitten Clipper instead of the Terrafirminator; shocked]'' Not the Kitten Clipper?! Oh no...
*At last! I'm gonna get played with!
*Come to papa!
*I love playtime!
*''[laughing]'' Okay. ''[snorting]'' A little help here, please?
*Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up!
*Hey, guys! Look! It's not the walls! It's the elevator!
*Hey, everybody, it's here! It's here!
*Ha-ha! Just kidding!
*Owww! My sniffer!
*No, no, no, no!

== Tybalt ==
*Sucker!
*No!
*Oh, please, please, my friends. Tell me something I don't already know.
*Well, Benny. I didn't think it was possible, but your mouth is getting even bigger than your hat!
*Yeah. The finish line.
*Adios, loser!
*Get them, you idiots!
*Well, do I look like a begonia?
*Find them!
*Juliet, you're not allowed off your pedestal. What are you doing out in the alley?
*We're looking for a blue gnome. Yeah, he's an ugly little fella. Got a scratch right here.
*You haven't seen him, have you?
*Well, lucky you.
*Come on, let's get inside.
*Find their weak spot.
*Damage. Lots and lots of damage.
*Such a big hat, for such a small gnome.
*You boys fancy a little bit of fun? Let's take this baby out into the alley.
*We're gonna have a smashing time!
*Well, if it isn't little big-hat Benny. Mess with our garden, will ya?
*Ooh, that felt good.
*You wouldn't attack an unarmed gnome, would ya?
*Pity!
*You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick, do ya? What wall?
*Oh, that wall.

== Nanette ==
*''[when Juliet leaves for the flower]'' TAKE CARE! I'LL TELL YOUR DAD YOU'RE DOING YOUR HAIR!
*You saved their lives? Oh, my hero! And they're so adorable! Let's adopt them!

== Featherstone ==
*I may not be a smart bird, but I know what love is.
*Oh, I'm sure scared!
*Chocolate's in stranger, chocolate's in stranger...
*Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song comin' on!
*Oh no! Oh no, I think I swallowed my squeaker!

==Other==
*'''Dolly Gnome''': Now, I know you know the rules and I don't have to repeat them, but I'm gonna 'cause I wanna, and here they are.
*'''Bill Shakespeare''': [''Upon noticing the huge explosion in the background; smug''] Told you so!
== Dialogue ==
:'''Lady Bluebury''': ''[to Lord Redbrick; about his prized tulips]'' Your tulips are looking a little limp this year, aren't they? 
:'''Lord Redbrick''': ''[offended]''  Oh! I don't like what you're incinerating. 
:'''Bluebury''': The proper word is &quot;insinuating&quot;, illiterate. 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[angry]'' I am not illiterate! My parents were married!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': When will you realize you're delicate? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[turns and faces her father; angry]'' I'm not ''delicate! [kicks her plastic rose off her pedestal]'' 
:'''Redbrick''': ''[walks away; annoyed]'' Stubborn girl. 
:'''Nanette''': ''[removes the rose from her mouth]'' She's ''definitely'' not ''delicate''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': You're the greatest boss, the greatest by far! ''[nudges the little red gnomes]''
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': The greatest, the greatest by far.
:'''Benny''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! 
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': A cheat, a cheat, that's what you are! ''[getting kicked by Fawn]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Juliet returns to the Red Garden after meeting Gnomeo]''
:'''Nanette''': What happened to that very important, life changing orchid? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[walking away]'' Um. Uh. Wha-What orchid? What?
:'''Nanette''': Hmm. Shut up. You met a boy!
:'''Juliet''': What? No. Well, maybe of sort of...Yes. Yes, I did.
:'''Nanette''': I need details! And go slowly! Is he totally gorgeous? 
:'''Juliet''': Totally.
:'''Nanette''': Does he have a nice rotund belly?
:'''Juliet''': Well, let's call it sturdy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Announcer''': Are you losing the war in your garden? Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon - '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's the most ruthless, 500-horsepower, grass-dominating piece of hardware the world has ever seen! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's unnecessarily POWERFUL! Now with 75 percent more POWER! It clears! CLEARS! It digs! DIGS! It mows! MOWS! Your lawn will be AFRAID to grow! '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' It's a weapon of grass '''''DESTRUCTION!!!!!'''''
:'''Disclaimer''': Terrafirminator will not inhibit grass from growing. Not recommended for residential use. Brother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': Oh, Gnomeo, Gnomeo, are we really doomed to never see each other again? Why must you wear a blue hat? Why couldn't it be red like my father, or green like...like a leprechaun...or purple like, ummm, like [[w:Waluigi|some weird guy]]. I mean, what's in a gnome? Because you are blue, my father sees red, and because I am red, I am feeling blue. Oh, at any rate that shouldn't be the thing to keep us apart, should it? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[revealing himself]'' No, no, it shouldn't! I couldn't have said it better myself! 
:'''Juliet''': ''[surprised]'' Oh, my giddy aunt, did you just hear all that? What are you doing here? 
:'''Gnomeo''': I don't know! I just wanted to, uh... ''[chuckles nervously]'' ...I just wanted to see you again!
:'''Juliet''': Are you crazy? If my dad finds you, he'll bury you under the patio! 
:'''Gnomeo''': &quot;Finds me&quot;, are you joking? &quot;Stealth&quot; is my middle name! ''[accidentally steps on the button which sets off a display of bright lights]''
:'''Juliet''': Turn it off!
:'''Gnomeo:''' I'm trying. 
:'''Juliet:''' Do something!
:'''Gnomeo''': The button's stuck! Come on.
:'''Redbrick''': AAH! JULIET! 
:'''Gnomeo''': It won't turn off!
:'''Juliet''': There's something behind you!
:'''Gnomeo''': Shroom! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
:'''Nanette''': Juliet, what’s with the...? Ooh! You look like a fun-gi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Redbrick''': ''[About Gnomeo, who infiltrated the Red garden; angry]'' When I find him, he'll be sleeping with the fishes! 
:''[Cut to Gnomeo and Shroom sitting at the bottom of the pond]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fawn''': ''[About Tybalt's well being vandalized by spray paint]'' Why would anyone ever do this to Tybalt?
:'''Little Red Gnomes''': Because nobody likes him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Juliet''': He's a blue.
:'''Gnomeo''': And she's a red.
:'''Featherstone''': And I'm pink! Who cares?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gnomeo''': Hey there, Juliet. What a name. It's a great name. Goes with your...eyes. You're looking really cool. You’re looking good. Did It hurt when you fell down from heaven? That’s a killer, man. Yeah, no. You're looking cool. Yeah. How's it going with you, baby?
:'''Juliet''': ''[arrives]'' Oh, I'm fine, baby, how are you.
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[surprised]'' Uh, I, uh, never better.
:''[Juliet is worried someone may have heard the collapse of a log pile]''
:'''Juliet''': ''[anxiously]'' Do you think anyone heard that?
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[whispering]'' There's nobody here. 
:'''Juliet''': ''[also whispering]'' Then why are you whispering? 
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[flirtatiously]'' Why are you whispering? 
:'''Juliet''': ''[giggles, then spots something behind Gnomeo; excited]'' Wow, look at that! ''[runs towards it]'']
:'''Gnomeo''': ''[disappointed]'' I guess we're finished with the whispering thing!
:'''Juliet''': It's a 1950s MacAllister Ranger. Let's start her up!
:'''Gnomeo''': Yeah! Okay. Check out the power on this beauty. She's empty. Bingo.
:'''Juliet''': Hey, try this.
:'''Gnomeo''': Thanks. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terry Bollea ''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' Are you losing the war in your garden?
:'''Benny''': Never!
:'''Terry Bollea''': Well, brother, maybe it's time for a secret weapon!
:'''Benny''': Bring it on.
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''TERRAFIRMINATOR!!!''' 
:'''Benny''': This one's for Gnomeo! ''[selects the Terrafirminator]''
:'''Terry Bollea''': '''''MEOW!!!'''''

== Taglines==
*An epic tale on a tiny scale.
*Every day they sit and wait. But when we're away their adventure begins.
*A timeless feud. A forbidden love. An epic battle.
*A little adventure goes a lawn way.

== Cast ==
*[[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]] - Gnomeo
*[[Emily Blunt]] - Juliet
*[[Michael Caine]] - Lord Redbrick
*[[w:Jason Statham|Jason Statham]] - Tybalt
*[[Maggie Smith]] - Lady Bluebury
*[[Patrick Stewart]] - a statue of [[William Shakespeare]]
*[[w:Ashley Jensen|Ashley Jensen]] - Nanette
*[[w:Matt Lucas|Matt Lucas]] - Benny
*[[w:Stephen Merchant|Stephen Merchant]] - Paris
*[[Ozzy Osbourne]] - Fawn
*[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Featherstone
*[[w:Hollywood Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]] - Terrafirminator V.O.
*[[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - Ms. Montague
*[[w:Richard Wilson (Scottish actor)|Richard Wilson]] - Mr. Capulet
*[[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]] - Red Goon Gnomes
*[[Dolly Parton]] - Dolly Gnome
* Julia Braams - Stone Fish 
* [[w:James Daniel Wilson|James Daniel Wilson]] as Fishing Gnome
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] - Conjoined Gnome Left
* Julio Bonet -  Mankini Gnome
* Neil McCaul - Conjoined Gnome Right
* Maurissa Horwitz - Call Me Doll
* John Todd - Dancer (uncredited)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Gnomeo &amp; Juliet}}
*{{imdb title|id=0377981|title=Gnomeo and Juliet}}

[[Category:2011 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:2010s British animated films]]
[[Category:British computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:British children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Films based on plays]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:American animated romance films]]
[[Category:British animated romance films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by William Shakespeare]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Recess: School's Out</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>129286</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607204</id>
      <parentid>3606072</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:01:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607204</origin>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="37764" sha1="0j0l2yrbo2pci7bn1xaw4vxdjte7rfx" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]]''''' is an [[w:animation|animated film]] comedy adventure film based on the [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] [[w:television program|television series]] ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''. This film was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and was released theatrically nationwide on February 16, 2001. It was released on home video and DVD on August 7, 2001. And now, Walt Disney Entertainment Group are: The Groovy Green Tambourine by Mickey Mouse.

==Rated==
G

==Dialogue==
:'''King Bob''': I, King Bob, as my last official act before entering middle school, ''[takes off his helmet]'' hereby anoint this boy here ''[places helmet on Freddie's head]'' King Freddie II. ''[stamps the letter &quot;F&quot; on the helmet; to King Freddie II]'' May you boss around all of the kids with fairness.
:'''Jerome''': The King has graduated! Long live the King!
:''[Everyone cheers at King Bob's Graduation Ceremony, as the Safety Rangers play &quot;Hail to the Chief&quot; with their kazoos]''
:'''Captain Brad''': ''[shouting at the Safety Rangers]'' Elbow up! Eyes forward! You call that kazoo ''playing?!''
:'''Ashley B.''': Ah, ceremony.
:'''Ashley Q.''': I'm, like, moved, Ashley A.
:'''Ashley A.''': Say what you want about their personal lives, Ashley Q. The royals have such style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''My ice cream!'' Stop it! Stop it, I say! You little monsters are in trouble now! Just wait 'till Principal Prickly hears about this!
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[over speaker]'' Attention, students, this is Principal Prickly talking.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[impressed but surprised]'' Well, that was fast.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Some of you may have noticed ice cream on the playground. I want you to know that I will not stand for this. This ice cream should be eaten immediately.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?
:''[The kids shrug, and go back to enjoying themselves.]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': In addition, I want you to all ignore Miss Finster, no matter what she says, about ice cream or anything else!
:''[The kids cheer.]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[stunned]'' This can't be happening.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Furthermore, I want to inform you all that I have a fat, saggy butt, which I like to scratch every hour on the hour.
:''[The kids burst out laughing, and the camera zooms behind the school, revealing that Gretchen and T.J. have hijacked the speakers, with Gretchen at the controls of the Voice-Changing machine, and T.J. imitating Prickly's voice through a microphone.]''
:'''T.J.''': Also, I want to apologize to all of you, for being such a mean principal, taking away hall passes, giving guys recess detention, refusing to accept sick notes, just because it doesn't look like a guy's mom's signature, making kids stand at the wall for 10 whole minutes, with no break. Man, I feel ashamed of myself for all the terrible, rotten things I've done. And next year, I promise to-- ''[pauses as a magnificent shadow looms over him; it is Principal Prickly, scowling at him]'' ''[nervously]'' Why, Principal Prickly, sir, what a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Man, Teej, that prank was sweet.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, you should've seen the look on Finster's face. I thought she was gonna blow a gasket. 
:'''Mikey''': Those limesicles were tasty.
:'''T.J.''': A tasty beginning to a tasty summer. Twelve weeks of nothing but riding bikes, hanging out at the lake and T.P.-ing the West Side Golf Course. Summer vacation, the ultimate recess.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, I can't wait to get to baseball camp.
:'''T.J.''': ''[stops walking; having to have heard that]'' Baseball camp? What are you talking about?
:'''Spinelli''': Actually, Teej, I'm gonna be out of town too. See, the Big Time Wrestling Federation has this training camp, and I gotta learn some new moves if I'm ever gonna turn pro.
:'''T.J.''': But, Spinelli.
:'''Gus''': It's military camp for me. My dad says I need to learn to be a leader.
:'''Gretchen''': I shall be attending the Mt. Van Buren Space Camp. Don't wanna let those science geeks get ahead of me.
:'''T.J.''': You mean, you're ''all'' going to camp?
:'''Mikey''': Not me.
:'''T.J.''': ''[relieved, or so he thought]'' Thank goodness.
:'''Mikey''': The Young Voices Training Program doesn't like the word &quot;camp.&quot; They provide opportunities for aspiring singers to train their voices in a rigorous yet supportive setting.
:'''T.J.''': But summer's gonna be ruined. What am I gonna do? Play baseball by myself? Watch reruns? Read?!
:'''Vince''': Sorry, man, but we gotta think about our future.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, we can't waste the whole summer just fooling around like kids.
:'''T.J.''': But we ''are'' kids!
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, as of the completion of fourth grade, we are technically considered pre-young adults.
:'''Mikey''': And next year we won't even be pre.
:'''T.J.''': But… ''[sighs]'' All right, let's make the most of the time we've got left. When do you all leave (for camp)?
:'''Vince''': First thing in the morning.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Evening at the Detweiler house; the Detweilers are eating dinner at the table]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Dad, what do they use the school for during the summer?
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': The school? They lock it up, it's empty. Why?
:'''T.J.''': Well, today when I was riding by, I saw this really scary looking guy and--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, I'm sure he was just cleaning up.
:'''T.J.''': I don't know. I think something weird's going on in there. Something ''really'' weird.
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[sighs; to her husband]'' Mrs. LaSalle was right. We should've sent him to some kind of camp.
:''[Next morning, T.J. hides in a bush, watching Kojak (the bald guy) standing by the school gate]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his tape recorder to take notes]'' 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still guarding the school. ''[looks through binoculars and sees some vehicles approaching; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32-and-a-half A.M. Grownups wrong. School's ''not'' empty. ''[looks through binoculars, seeing a green light coming through the cafeteria windows; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32 and three quarters. Green glow in window again. I'm going in for a closer look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[running back to his house, after discovering what is going on in the school]'' '''''MOM! MOM!''''' ''[accidentally runs into the sliding glass door]''
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': T.J.! Are you all right?
:'''T.J.''': Mom! There's guys at the school! They're doing some kind of evil experiment!
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, dear. That bonk on the head must have rattled your little brain.
:'''T.J.''': But, Mom--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[feeling his head]'' You're feverish! You wait right here. I'll go get the baby thermometer and the petroleum jelly.
:'''T.J.''': Uh... Dad, Dad! ''[He runs to the garage, where his father is fixing the car.]'' Dad!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': What is it, boy?
:'''T.J.''': Those evil bad guys have got a laser beam, and they're lifting the safe--
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': ''[rolls out from under the car]'' T.J., did you run into the sliding glass door again?
:'''T.J.''': No, but-- Yeah, but-- ''[frustrated]''  '''''GAAAH!''''' ''[runs off]''
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come back! Your mom's gonna want to take your temperature!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[walks out of the police station]'' Laugh at me, will ya?! I'm gonna be a taxpayer someday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[runs back to his house after Principal Prickly got dematerialized; takes out his tape recorder]'' 11:57 A.M. Principal Prickly dematerialized in horrifying field of electricity. The cops won't listen. Mom and Dad won't listen. I gotta get the guys together. It's the only way! ''[runs up to Becky's room for help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the phone]'' Like, I am so through with him, Melissa. He asked me if I spoke French and then winked at me.
:'''T.J.''': Becky, you gotta help me! I need a ride up to Chesterville, pronto!
:'''Becky''': Are you kidding? I'm not doing anything for you, you little dork.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes her sister's diary out of his jacket pocket; clears throat and reads]'' '''&quot;Oh, how I dream of the mustache fuzz on Jimmy's sweaty lips, glistening as he cooks in the light of a dozen hamburger heat lamps.&quot;'''
:'''Becky''': Hey, that's my diary! Give me that!
:'''T.J.''': Ah-ah-ah! I've got copies. Now either you give me a ride, or this baby hits the Internet.
:''[Becky sulks in annoyance; later, they're driving along the highway]''
:'''T.J.''': Thanks for driving me, Becky. You're the sweetest big sister a kid could ask.
:'''Becky''': And you are the annoying pet monkey I wish I never got!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, I try to keep things interesting. Oh, next rest stop, pull in. I gotta take care of business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. has just arrived to pick up Vince from baseball camp]''
:'''Vince''': T.J., what are you doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You've got to come back to town. It's an emergency.
:'''Vince''': What? I can't just leave.
:'''T.J.''': Look, something weird is going on at the school. Principal Prickly got dematerialized!
:'''Vince''': &quot;Dematerialized&quot;? T.J., you're crazy.
:'''T.J.''': ''[holding up Principal Prickly's burnt golf shoes]'' Am I?
:''[Vince gasps in shock of horror; Later in the car…]''
:'''Becky''': Mt. Van Buren? That's 20 miles away. I'm not taking you there.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out her diary; reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Diary, I dreamed of Jimmy again. He was rocking me so gently, just like he rocks the grease off a basket of hot and steamy onion rings.&quot;'''
:'''Vince''': Whoa! Let me look at that.
:'''Becky''': ''[moans in annoyance]'' Jerks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Vince arrive at Space Camp to pick up Gretchen]''
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? Vince? What are you guys doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You're not gonna believe this, but…
:''[Cut to them in the car]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[shocked]'' &quot;Dematerialized&quot;?!
:'''T.J.''': Just like out of ''Star Trek.''
:'''Gretchen''': Fascinating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, sis.
:'''Becky''': ''[annoyingly]'' You owe me gas money. ''[drives off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Okay, Teej, you were right. Something weird ''is'' going on in the school. And Prickly must be in on it.
:'''Gus''': I say we go to the police.
:'''T.J.''': I already went to the police. I went to everyone. Nobody'll listen.
:'''Gretchen''': What we need is proof.
:'''Vince''': Proof? How are we gonna get proof?
:'''T.J.''': I got a plan. A stakeout.
:'''Vince''': A stakeout?
:'''T.J.''': Yeah. We can stay up in my treehouse and watch the school every night until something happens.
:'''Spinelli''': Like one of them TV cop shows.
:'''T.J.''': Sure. And the next time those laser guys make a move, we'll catch 'em red-handed.
:'''Gretchen''': We can take pictures with my night-vision digital cam.
:'''Gus''': Then we call in the feds and, bang, we got 'em.
:'''Vince''': Only one problem-- what about camp?
:'''Gus''': Oh, yeah. If my dad finds out I've gone AWOL, he'll throw me in the brig till September.
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry. All I gotta do is get Becky to drive you guys back to camp in the morning, and then at night, we'll pick you up again. You'll be campers by day, spies by night.
:'''Gus''': But what if the camp counselors notice we're not there?
:'''T.J.''': Leave that to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang is hanging out in T.J.'s treehouse in the backyard]''
:'''Vince''': ''[watching the school through night-vision digital camera]'' Infrared night vision, 200-to-1 zoom. I gotta hand it to you, Gretch. You can see the whole school with this thing. 
:'''Gretchen''': You can make lots of handy devices out of the spare parts in a family's garage. I once fashioned a particle accelerator out of a broken hair dryer and a four slice toaster oven.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[reading Becky's diary]'' '''&quot;Tonight, the magical moment arrived. We met behind the drive-thru menu and kissed passionately as the sound of the deep fat fryer faded into the night.&quot;''' ''[laughs along with Gus]'' Man, I wish I had an older sister.
:'''Mikey''': Laugh if you will. I think it's beautiful.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up]'' Sorry I'm late, guys. But I had to wait till my mom and dad fell asleep before I could sneak out with the goodies. ''[holds up his backpack with two plastic bags of roast beef and mashed potatoes]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps]'' Roast beef and mashed potatoes! My favorite!
:'''T.J.''': I also managed to swipe this. ''[takes out a large tub of Rocky Road ice cream]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps again]'' Rocky Road! My other favorite!
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, give me some of that!
:''[Vince and Gus join in]''
:'''Gretchen''': Excuse me, but, aren't we supposed to eat dinner ''before'' dessert?
:''[The others look at her for a quick pause, and then laugh hysterically]''
:'''Spinelli''': Good one, Gretch!
:'''Vince''': Man, you were right, Teej. This is the life.
:'''Spinelli''': Hanging out with your friends, eating ice cream, spying on bad guys.
:'''Gus''': It's the ultimate kid experience.
:'''Gretchen''': Too bad these days are numbered.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, this probably the last summer we'll get to do stuff like this.
:'''T.J.''': Kinda whomps, huh?
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, remember that summer after 2nd grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?
:'''Gretchen''': Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilsons' backyard?
:'''Vince''': And Spinelli spelled hers wrong.
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, I was seven, and S's are tricky. ''[notices Gus sobbing]'' What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.
:'''Gus''': I know. And I'll never have any of those memories. ''[hugs his arms around Gretchen as she comforts him]''
:'''Mikey''': Know what I'll never forget? That song T.J.'s sister taught us the first summer after Kindergarten.
:'''T.J.''': ''[remembers]'' Oh, yeah. Back when she was nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Next morning; T.J. pops from behind a bush across the street from the school while his friends are back at camp]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:41 A.M. Gang back at camp. I'm going in alone. ''[runs to the school and looks through the window, then hears voices and crawls into the dumpster to hide, ending up finding Principal Prickly's golf pants]'' Hey. ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:43 A.M. I found what appear to be... Principal Prickly's golf pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later that night at the treehouse…]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[examining the pants with a magnifying glass]'' Double-knit polyester. These are Prickly's all right.
:'''Spinelli''': But why would the bald guy wanna pretend to be Principal Prickly?
:'''Vince''': And where's the ''real'' Principal Prickly anyway?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[feels something in the pants' pocket]'' Wait a minute. There's something in here. ''[takes out a folded note and opens it that reads…]'' '''&quot;Help me?&quot;'''
:'''Mikey''': It sounds like a desperate cry for help!
:'''Vince''': Then Principal Prickly must still be in the school.
:'''Gus''': Being held captive!
:'''T.J.''': You know what that means, don't you guys? ''[determined]'' We gotta go in there and save him. ''[he and his friends gear up with weapons and gadgets]'' Bikes?
:'''Vince''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Walkie-talkie?
:'''Gus''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Rope with pointy thing?
:'''Mikey''': ''[holding the rope with a grappling hook]'' Check.
:'''T.J.''': Good. Then let's go.
:''[They set off to the school on their bikes to start their rescue mission]''
:'''Spinelli''': I still say this is nuts. I mean, breaking ''out'' of the school I understand, but breaking ''in?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[seeing that they've hidden in their old classroom]'' Hey, this is our old room.
:'''Gus''': I hope somebody's feeding the gerbil.
:'''T.J.''': ''[hearing voices talking]'' Shh. I hear something.
:''[They walk around the classroom finding where the voices are coming from]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[points up to a vent]'' It's coming from up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang crawl through the vent towards the auditorium, following the sound of voices talking; the auditorium is filled with machines, scientists, and guards]''
:'''Spinelli''': Whoa, what is all this stuff?
:'''Gretchen''': Well, against the far wall is what looks to be a plutonium turbine. Closer ahead, you'll absorb a global electrode. To your right is the laser device we saw earlier, and of course, that glowing orb-- an electron pulse generator. Clearly, the nerve center of the system.
:'''T.J.''': ''[quietly]'' Shh! The bad guys are talking.
:'''Lazenby''': But, Dr. Benedict, please.
:'''Benedict''': No, let me make this clear to you, Lazenby. We have a thing called a &quot;window of opportunity&quot;. If we miss the window of opportunity, then the project fails! And if the project fails, then I get very, very '''''ANGRY!'''''
:'''Fenwick''': But they may have a point, sir. It seems the logistical problems are a bit more complicated than Dr. Steinheimer thought!
:'''Steinheimer''': Yes, it would be a lot easier if we could move the laser to a more appropriate location.
:'''Benedict''': This operation will be executed as planned, from right here! Have I made myself clear?!
:'''Lazenby''': But sir--
:'''Benedict''': '''''NO BUTS!''''' It started at Third Street, it is going to ''END'' at Third Street!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': We gotta get out of here!
:'''Mikey''': ''[has the sudden feeling he's about to burp]'' Uh-oh.
:'''T.J.''': What is it?
:'''Mikey''': I got that feeling, T.J.!
:'''Spinelli''': Hot it in, big guy. Hold it in!
:'''Mikey''': I can't! ''[covers his mouth and belches so loud, it echoes throughout the auditorium]''
:'''Fenwick''': ''[hearing that]'' What was that?
:'''Benedict''': Someone had better say, &quot;Excuse me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': Ninjas! Ninjas! Why did they have to be ninjas?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Well, well, well, if it ain't the little snoop!
:'''T.J.''': What?! I ain't no snoop! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) plays the tape recorder; voice on tape] 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still the guarding school. [chuckles nervously]'' Oops.
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Let's go, snoop. You're in big trouble now.
:'''T.J.''': ''[being dragged]'' Ow! Ow! Hey, watch the jacket, it's cotton! ''[gets thrown into a storage closet and sees Principal Prickly in a chair, with his hands tied behind his back and his mouth taped up]'' Principal Prickly! You're alive! ''[takes the tape off Prickly's mouth]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Ow! Would you be careful?!
:'''T.J.''': Boy, am I glad to see you, sir? You won't believe what these guys are doing in the auditorium. They got this big laser gun and-- ''[notices him in his golf underwear]'' Whoa, who took your pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop #1''': So you're saying you just escaped from a troop of ninja warriors?
:'''Vince''': That's right!
:'''Cop #2''': And they got a ''giant laser gun'' in the school's auditorium?
:'''Gretchen''': Precisely!
:'''Cop #1''': Which is aimed at the ''moon?''
:'''Mikey''': Thank heavens you understand!
:''[The two cops burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict is interrogating TJ and Principal Prickly in the dungeon]''
:'''Benedict''': Oh, Pete, come on. There's no need to be rude. Not after I instructed my men to take such special care of you.
:'''Prickly''': &quot;Special care&quot;?! That's what you call gagging me, tying me up and taking away my pants?!
:'''Benedict''': Had to, Pete. Otherwise you might run off and betray me, like you did the last time! But, hey, look at the bright side. At least you've got company now.
:'''Prickly''': Let the boy go, Phil. He can't do anything to you.
:'''Benedict''': Same old noble Pete. Always standing up for the rights of children.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised, to Prickly]'' You?
:'''Benedict''': But unfortunately, I can't let anybody go right now. You see, this experimental night school that I'm running is kind of a secret. I'm trying to show that my... adult students can be trained to be capable and productive members of society.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah?! Well, if you're just running a night school, then what's that giant laser gun doing in the auditorium?! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) forces him down in a chair]''
:'''Benedict''': ''[contemptuously]'' What a rude and badly dressed little boy you are. ''[turns to Prickly]'' You know, you should teach your pupils a little respect for their superiors, Pete. But that would mean that you'd have to know how to teach them ''anything at all,'' wouldn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[threateningly vowing, in flashback]'' You took my chick. You took my job. Well, enjoy it while you can, Petey boy, 'cause you're gonna pay! Somehow, someway, you're gonna pay.
:'''Prickly''': I never saw Phillium again. He quit teaching, went into politics. Eventually became Secretary of Education - until the President fired him for trying to get rid of recess again. Only this time it was nationwide.
:'''T.J.''': So that guy's some weirdo ex-teacher who wants to get rid of recess?
:'''Prickly''': ''[nodding]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''T.J.''': Okay. Now it's personal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Principal Prickly crawl through the vent and enter the office]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[picks up the phone to call for help]'' Dang! The line's dead. Hey, Principal Prickly, what did you do with the walkie-talkie you confiscated from me last week?
:'''Prickly''': Top drawer, on the right. Just look what Phil's done to my office. I had it all nice and clean for the summer.
:'''T.J.''': ''[opens up the right top drawer of the desk and digs through]'' Packs of gum, yo-yos, my old baseball… Hey, I've been looking for this. Ah, here it is, my walkie-talkie. Now all I gotta do is contact the guys and-- ''[sees something shocking on the wall; horrified]'' Oh, no.
:'''Prickly''': What is it, Detweiler? ''[looks up at the wall; shocked]'' I told 'em that guy was a nut.
:'''T.J.''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Hello? Hello, is anybody there?''
:'''Vince''': It's T.J.! T.J., buddy, you okay?
:'''T.J.''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Yeah, I'm fine, and so is Principal Prickly.
:'''Vince''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Principal Prickly? But, how--''
:'''T.J.''': Look, I don't have time to explain, but I think we've figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying… '''''to get rid of summer vacation!'''''
:''[The wall shows a &quot;No Summer Vacation&quot; graffiti]''
:'''Mikey''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''T.J.''': Guys, guys, don't freak out on me. I got a plan. All we gotta do is… ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) swipes the walkie-talkie out of his hands; chuckles nervously]'' Why, Mr. Bald Guy, what a surprise.
:'''Spinelli''': T.J.! T.J.!
:'''Gretchen''': It's dead!
:'''Mikey''': They must've got him!
:'''Gus''': What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!
:'''Vince''': ''[determined]'' There's only one thing we ''can'' do… We gotta get help.
:''[Around dawn, the five show up in the drive-thru of Floppy Burger to talk to Becky in getting her help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[through speaker box] Bow-wow! Good morning. Welcome to Floppy Burger. May I take your order, please?''
:'''Vince''': Becky, this is Vince.
:'''Becky''': ''Vince? What are you doing here?''
:'''Spinelli''': It's not just Vince. It's me, Gretchen, and everybody. We got a problem!
:'''Becky''': ''Yeah, well, I got a problem too… It's called six dweeby 10-year-olds who won't leave me alone, even when I'm at work. I am a professional! So whatever your little problem is, forget it!''
:'''Gretchen''': But it's about T.J.
:'''Gus''': He's in trouble and he needs your help!
:'''Becky''': ''Well, isn't that nice? After stealing my diary, threatening to put it on the Internet, and making me drive across the state three times, he needs ''my'' help?! Give me one good reason why I should help him. Just one!''
:'''Mikey''': ''[serious]'' 'Cause he's your little brother and he needs you.
:'''Becky''': ''Please pull forward to the second drive-thru window.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at T.J.'s walkie-talkie]'' A confiscated walkie-talkie. Why do you do these things to me, Pete? Do you ''enjoy'' tormenting me? Do you hate me?
:'''Prickly''': I don't hate you, Phil. I just think you're ''insane!''
:'''Benedict''': ''[laughs dryly]'' &quot;Insane&quot;. Well, there you go again, Pete. Insulting me, hurting my feelings, just like thirty years ago. Only this time, Petey, I'm ready. ''[looking out Principal Prickly's office window]'' You see, all those years, no matter how big I got, no matter how successful, I always thought about ''you. [angrily]'' How you ''embarrassed'' me! How you ''humiliated'' me! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, '''''the only woman I ever loved!'''''''
:'''T.J.''': ''[aside, to Prickly]'' That part still grosses me out, sir.
:'''Prickly''': Shh!
:'''Benedict''': But this time, Pete, I'm gonna humiliate ''you.'' This time, I'm gonna prove to the world that you were wrong and I was right!
:'''Prickly''': About what?
:'''Benedict''': About recess! About freedom! About test scores! I found a way to prove my theory. I'm gonna get rid of the biggest recess of 'em all - I am gonna get rid of summer vacation!
:'''T.J.''': ''[enraged]'' You '''''FIEND!'''''
:'''Benedict''': &quot;Fiend&quot;. You try to help people, that's the thanks you've had.
:'''Prickly''': It'll never work, Phil.
:'''Benedict''': Well, actually, Pete, that's where you're wrong. ''[presses a red button on a remote and a holographic globe and moon rise up from the floor]'' You see, all I have to do is modify the moon's orbit ever so slightly... ''[presses red button]'' ...and tide levels on the Eastern Seaboard rise eight feet. Move the moon over here... ''[presses red button]'' ...and the currents that warm California suddenly become ice-cold. Summer, as we know it, will become a thing of the past. And without summer... ''[presses red button, and the globe diagram grows icicles; T.J. and Prickly gasp in horror]'' No summer vacation.
:'''T.J.''': ''[vengefully]'' You'll never get away with this, Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Oh yeah? Well, who's gonna stop me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict locks T.J. and Principal Prickly in a birdcage to keep them from interfering with his plans to destroy summer vacation.]''
:'''T.J.''': Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here!
:'''Prickly''': Calm down, Detweiler. I've got the--
:'''T.J.''': Calm down?! We're locked in a giant birdcage while a madman is out there trying to destroy summer vacation, and you want me to calm down?!
:'''Prickly''': I understand, but I--
:'''T.J.''': How can ''you'' understand?! You're just a grownup! What do YOU know about summer vacation?!
:'''Prickly''': ''[stands and puts his hands akimbo]'' I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiler. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at some time in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding bikes down by the creek, catching polliwogs in a jar, camping out under the stars? Well, you're wrong! ''[pause]'' Some days, I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids on the playground and I think, &quot;They don't know how good they've got it. In a few years, they're all going to be grown-ups like me, and all those good times will be memories for them too&quot;. So go ahead. Put a whoopie-cushion in my chair. Cover my carpet with fake vomit. Make fun of my ''&quot;big, saggy butt&quot;''. But don't you ''ever'' say I don't care about summer vacation, because those memories are the last part of childhood I've got left.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised and moved]'' Principal Prickly... I had no idea...
:'''Prickly''': Yeah? Well, now you do. So let's stop messing around. ''[holds up keys]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey! How did you get those keys?
:'''Prickly''': ''[unlocking the cage door]'' Swiped them off Phillium's desk when he wasn't looking. Now come on - we've got a summer vacation to save!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[trying to get all the kids' attention]'' People, people! Just quiet down for a moment!
:'''Vince''': Oh, man, nobody's listening.
:'''Spinelli''': They'll listen to me, once I introduce them to my good friend Madame Fist!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Spinelli. That's your answer for everything.
:'''Spinelli''': Well, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas, sports boy.
:'''Mikey''': Listen to the two of you. You're not helping things at all!
:''[The three start arguing]''
:'''Gus''': ''[yelling]'' '''''QUIET!!!!!''''' ''[Spinelli, Vince, and Mikey all look at him]'' What we need is a leader. A kid with the right training. A  kid who knows strategy and field tactics. A kid who commands respect.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, but where we gonna find a kid like that?
:'''Gus''': Leave that to me.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[whistles and all the kids finally get her attention]'' Please! We have to get organized.
:'''Digger Sam''': Ah, what's the use?
:'''Ashley A.''': Yeah. If what you say is true, all the fun of being a kid is, like, totally ruined anyway.
:'''Upside-Down Girl''': It's like the whole world's been turned right-side up!
:'''Gretchen''': Not necessarily. All we have to do is work together and come up with a plan.
:'''Francis (Hustler Kid)''': Detweiler's the one who always comes up with the plans.
:'''Digger Sam''': Yeah, let's face it, we're doomed!
:'''Spinelli''': That's what you think! Kids of the playground, meet your new commanding officer.
:''[Gus steps out of the bushes, dressed up as a military commander]''
:'''Captain Brad''': Griswald? He couldn't lead a glee club! ''[he and all the other kids laugh]''
:'''Gus''': ''[marches over to him as he stops laughing; sharply]'' You find that funny, Bradley? Well, I'm not here to make jokes. I'm here to make history! So if you wanna laugh, take it somewhere else! But if you wanna save the world, then suck in your gut and stand at attention! ''[Brad does so; to the others]'' Now who's with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Principal Prickly and TJ are dressed as guards]''
:'''Prickly''': You sure this is going to work, Detweiler?
:'''TJ''': Come on, Principal Prickly. Don't you watch old spy movies? This trick is pure gold. ''[they walk up two guards]'' ''[deep voice]'' Uh, Dr. Benedict wanted to speak to us about a very important matter.
:'''Guard #1''': ''[quickly recognizes them]'' Hey, you two aren't guards! 
:'''T.J.''': ''[normal voice; to Prickly, alarmed]'' Run! ''[he and Prickly take off down the hall with the guards in pursuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Don't do it, Dr. Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Don't do it? You think after all this planning, all this work, you can get me to stop just by saying &quot;don't do it&quot;?
:'''Mikey''': What if we add &quot;please&quot;?
:'''Benedict''': You kids just don't get it, do you? Well, let me explain this in a way your uneducated brains will understand. The American public thinks test scores are too low. But if a person, say me, could make test scores go up, why, everybody would feel better. They might even elect that person President of the United States. Now, do you have any idea which countries have the highest test scores?
:'''Gretchen''': Uh, Japan?
:'''Vince''': Germany?
:'''Mikey''': Tierra del Fuego?
:'''Benedict''': '''''CANADA! ICELAND! NORWAY!''''' And why? Because it's ''snowing'' up there all the time! Kids don't waste their summers playing ball, they're inside studying. And that is why I'm getting rid of summer vacation once and for all.
:'''T.J.''': ''[facing him; bravely]'' You got it all wrong, old man! Your plan'll never work! Sure, maybe your crazy laser beam can move the moon, maybe you can even make it snow all summer, maybe you can get rid of long afternoons playing baseball, or sunny days down by the lake, or warm nights camping out under the stars. But that won't stop us! We'll ride out bikes through the snow, we'll play kickball in the slush, we'll camp out in igloos! You may take away summer, but you'll ''never'' take away summer vacation!
:'''Benedict''': Well, I can try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[when Miss Finster drops down from the roof window; surprised]'' Muriel, it's you. You're still a vision of loveliness.
:'''Miss Finster''': Yeah? And you're still a two-bit, recess-hating pretty boy.
:'''Benedict''': That hurt, Muriel. But I'll forgive you if you'll just come back to me.
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! I'd rather eat playground dirt.
:'''Benedict''': That can be arranged, my dear.
:'''Miss Finster''': Not before I take you down.
:'''Benedict''': Take me down? Yeah, right. You and what army?
:'''Miss Finster''': Me and ''this'' army!
:''[Ms. Lemon, Miss Grotke, and the other school faculty drop down]''
:'''Gus''': The teachers!
:'''Benedict''': GET THEM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at the destroyed tractor beam]'' All my plans, my hopes and dreams... ''[falls on his knees]'' ruined. ''[wailing in defeat]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RUINED!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[The kids all cheer for victory; Later, he is arrested for his crimes when the cops escort him and Fenwick out of the school]'' Get your hands off the suit, you classless feeb! I am the former Secretary of Education!
:'''Cop #2''': Yeah, yeah. And I'm the former princess of Morocco. Get in the car.
:'''Fenwick''': But, it's all his fault. I was only following orders. I'll turn state's evidence.
:'''Randall''': Geez, what a squealer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': What an exciting summer. T.J. saved the world and Becky made assistant fry chef at Floppy Burger!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come on, Ellie. The reporters want to talk to us about how we raised a hero.
:'''T.J.''': Listen, Becky, I heard about how you saved my life and everything, and, well, here, I think this is yours. ''[takes out her diary, giving it back to her]''
:'''Becky''': My diary? I can't believe it. You realize this means you don't have any leverage over me anymore?
:'''T.J.''': Hey, what can I say? Maybe I'm just growing up.
:'''Becky''': Gee, you're an all right little brother after all. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[last lines]'''
:'''T.J.''': Principal Prickly?
:'''Principal Prickly''': Huh? Oh, it's you, Detweiler. I was just cleaning up this mess Phillium left. Guy always was a packrat. Look at this. Norwegian weather map. From 1956!
:'''T.J.''': Listen, sir. I never really got a chance to thank you for all the stuff you did. Quitting your golf game, telling Benedict to let me go, helping me save the world and junk.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Actually, Detweiler, I'm the one who should be thanking you.
:'''T.J.''': Huh?
:'''Principal Prickly''': You did me a big favor by dragging me into this mess. See, I didn't get into teaching for the promotions, or the pension plans, or so I could get to the golf course by 3:45. I-- I... did it because I wanted to help you kids. And I'd forgotten that. ''[looks at his peace necklace]'' 'Til today.
:''[There is a knock at the window; T.J.'s friends are waiting outside]''
:'''Vince''': Come on, Teej!
:'''Spinelli''': The pond awaits!
:'''T.J.''': I'll be there in a second!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Hey, it's a gorgeous summer day and your pals are waiting. Go have some fun while you can...Teej.
:'''T.J.''': You got it...Pete.
:''[Prickly smiles friendly; T.J. opens window and jumps out and runs with his friends and Prickly puts on his peace necklace as &quot;Let the Sunshine In&quot; by The 5th Dimension plays in the background]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[calling after T.J.]'' But don't forget- come September, you're mine! I haven't forgotten that &quot;saggy butt&quot; comment!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, September is a long way off!
:''[Prickly smiles at T.J. and his friends, and looks at his peace necklace as the camera pans around 3rd Street School, and T.J. and his friends enjoy the rest of summer as the screen fades to black]''

==Cast==
Evil Castle

* [[w:Andrew Lawrence (actor)|Andrew Lawrence]] as Theodore Jasper &quot;T.J.&quot; Detweiller
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Rickey D'Shon Collins]] as Vince LaSalle
* [[w:Jason Davis (actor)|Jason Davis]] as Mikey Blumberg (speaking voice)
* [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] as Mikey Blumberg (singing voice)
* [[w:Ashley Johnson|Ashley Johnson]] as Gretchen Grundler
* [[w:Courtland Mead|Courtland Mead]] as Gus Griswold
* [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Segall]] as Ashley Spinelli
* [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Principal Peter Prickly
* [[James Woods]] as Dr. Phillium Benedict
* [[w:Peter MacNicol|Peter MacNicol]] as Fenwick
* [[April Winchell]] as Miss Muriel Finster / Mrs. Detweiller
* [[w:Paul Willson|Paul Willson]] as Mr. Detweiller
* [[w:Melissa Joan Hart|Melissa Joan Hart]] as Becky Detweiller
* [[w:Ryan O'Donohue|Ryan O'Donohue]] as Digger Dave / Randall C. Weems 
* [[w:Allyce Beasley|Allyce Beasley]] as Miss Grotke
* [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Guard #1
* [[w:Tony Jay|Tony Jay]] as Dr. Rosenthal
* [[w:Nicholas Turturro|Nicholas Turturro]] as Cop #1
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] as Cop #2
* [[Clancy Brown]] as Bald Guy (a.k.a. Kojak)
* [[w:Robert Stack|Robert Stack]] as Superintendent
* [[w:Erik von Detten|Erik von Detten]] as Erwin Lawson / Captain Brad
* [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Colonel O'Malley

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Recess]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about children]]</text>
      <sha1>0j0l2yrbo2pci7bn1xaw4vxdjte7rfx</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607207</id>
      <parentid>3607204</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:08:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607207</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="37788" sha1="i2xphg7fh7hmck18pvj0uk0pmebzpy8" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]]''''' is an [[w:animation|animated film]] comedy adventure film based on the [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] [[w:television program|television series]] ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''. This film was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and was released theatrically nationwide on February 16, 2001. It was released on home video and DVD on August 7, 2001. And now, Walt Disney Entertainment Group are: The Groovy Green Tambourine by Mickey Mouse.

==Rated==
G

==Dialogue==
:'''King Bob''': I, King Bob, as my last official act before entering middle school, ''[takes off his helmet]'' hereby anoint this boy here ''[places helmet on Freddie's head]'' King Freddie II. ''[stamps the letter &quot;F&quot; on the helmet; to King Freddie II]'' May you boss around all of the kids with fairness.
:'''Jerome''': The King has graduated! Long live the King!
:''[Everyone cheers at King Bob's Graduation Ceremony, as the Safety Rangers play &quot;Hail to the Chief&quot; with their kazoos]''
:'''Captain Brad''': ''[shouting at the Safety Rangers]'' Elbow up! Eyes forward! You call that kazoo ''playing?!''
:'''Ashley B.''': Ah, ceremony.
:'''Ashley Q.''': I'm, like, moved, Ashley A.
:'''Ashley A.''': Say what you want about their personal lives, Ashley Q. The royals have such style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''My ice cream!'' Stop it! Stop it, I say! You little monsters are in trouble now! Just wait 'till Principal Prickly hears about this!
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[over speaker]'' Attention, students, this is Principal Prickly talking.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[impressed but surprised]'' Well, that was fast.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Some of you may have noticed ice cream on the playground. I want you to know that I will not stand for this. This ice cream should be eaten immediately.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?
:''[The kids shrug, and go back to enjoying themselves.]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': In addition, I want you to all ignore Miss Finster, no matter what she says, about ice cream or anything else!
:''[The kids cheer.]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[stunned]'' This can't be happening.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Furthermore, I want to inform you all that I have a fat, saggy butt, which I like to scratch every hour on the hour.
:''[The kids burst out laughing, and the camera zooms behind the school, revealing that Gretchen and T.J. have hijacked the speakers, with Gretchen at the controls of the Voice-Changing machine, and T.J. imitating Prickly's voice through a microphone.]''
:'''T.J.''': Also, I want to apologize to all of you, for being such a mean principal, taking away hall passes, giving guys recess detention, refusing to accept sick notes, just because it doesn't look like a guy's mom's signature, making kids stand at the wall for 10 whole minutes, with no break. Man, I feel ashamed of myself for all the terrible, rotten things I've done. And next year, I promise to-- ''[pauses as a magnificent shadow looms over him; it is Principal Prickly, scowling at him]'' ''[nervously]'' Why, Principal Prickly, sir, what a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Man, Teej, that prank was sweet.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, you should've seen the look on Finster's face. I thought she was gonna blow a gasket. 
:'''Mikey''': Those limesicles were tasty.
:'''T.J.''': A tasty beginning to a tasty summer. Twelve weeks of nothing but riding bikes, hanging out at the lake and T.P.-ing the West Side Golf Course. Summer vacation, the ultimate recess.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, I can't wait to get to baseball camp.
:'''T.J.''': ''[stops walking; having to have heard that]'' Baseball camp? What are you talking about?
:'''Spinelli''': Actually, Teej, I'm gonna be out of town too. See, the Big Time Wrestling Federation has this training camp, and I gotta learn some new moves if I'm ever gonna turn pro.
:'''T.J.''': But, Spinelli.
:'''Gus''': It's military camp for me. My dad says I need to learn to be a leader.
:'''Gretchen''': I shall be attending the Mt. Van Buren Space Camp. Don't wanna let those science geeks get ahead of me.
:'''T.J.''': You mean, you're ''all'' going to camp?
:'''Mikey''': Not me.
:'''T.J.''': ''[relieved, or so he thought]'' Thank goodness.
:'''Mikey''': The Young Voices Training Program doesn't like the word &quot;camp.&quot; They provide opportunities for aspiring singers to train their voices in a rigorous yet supportive setting.
:'''T.J.''': But summer's gonna be ruined. What am I gonna do? Play baseball by myself? Watch reruns? Read?!
:'''Vince''': Sorry, man, but we gotta think about our future.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, we can't waste the whole summer just fooling around like kids.
:'''T.J.''': But we ''are'' kids!
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, as of the completion of fourth grade, we are technically considered pre-young adults.
:'''Mikey''': And next year we won't even be pre.
:'''T.J.''': But… ''[sighs]'' All right, let's make the most of the time we've got left. When do you all leave (for camp)?
:'''Vince''': First thing in the morning.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Evening at the Detweiler house; the Detweilers are eating dinner at the table]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Dad, what do they use the school for during the summer?
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': The school? They lock it up, it's empty. Why?
:'''T.J.''': Well, today when I was riding by, I saw this really scary looking guy and--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, I'm sure he was just cleaning up.
:'''T.J.''': I don't know. I think something weird's going on in there. Something ''really'' weird.
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[sighs; to her husband]'' Mrs. LaSalle was right. We should've sent him to some kind of camp.
:''[Next morning, T.J. hides in a bush, watching Kojak (the bald guy) standing by the school gate]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his tape recorder to take notes]'' 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still guarding the school. ''[looks through binoculars and sees some vehicles approaching; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32-and-a-half A.M. Grownups wrong. School's ''not'' empty. ''[looks through binoculars, seeing a green light coming through the cafeteria windows; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32 and three quarters. Green glow in window again. I'm going in for a closer look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[running back to his house, after discovering what is going on in the school]'' '''''MOM! MOM!''''' ''[accidentally runs into the sliding glass door]''
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': T.J.! Are you all right?
:'''T.J.''': Mom! There's guys at the school! They're doing some kind of evil experiment!
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, dear. That bonk on the head must have rattled your little brain.
:'''T.J.''': But, Mom--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[feeling his head]'' You're feverish! You wait right here. I'll go get the baby thermometer and the petroleum jelly.
:'''T.J.''': Uh... Dad, Dad! ''[He runs to the garage, where his father is fixing the car.]'' Dad!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': What is it, boy?
:'''T.J.''': Those evil bad guys have got a laser beam, and they're lifting the safe--
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': ''[rolls out from under the car]'' T.J., did you run into the sliding glass door again?
:'''T.J.''': No, but-- Yeah, but-- ''[frustrated]''  '''''GAAAH!''''' ''[runs off]''
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come back! Your mom's gonna want to take your temperature!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[walks out of the police station]'' Laugh at me, will ya?! I'm gonna be a taxpayer someday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[runs back to his house after Principal Prickly got dematerialized; takes out his tape recorder]'' 11:57 A.M. Principal Prickly dematerialized in horrifying field of electricity. The cops won't listen. Mom and Dad won't listen. I gotta get the guys together. It's the only way! ''[runs up to Becky's room for help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the phone]'' Like, I am so through with him, Melissa. He asked me if I spoke French and then winked at me.
:'''T.J.''': Becky, you gotta help me! I need a ride up to Chesterville, pronto!
:'''Becky''': Are you kidding? I'm not doing anything for you, you little dork.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes her sister's diary out of his jacket pocket; clears throat and reads]'' '''&quot;Oh, how I dream of the mustache fuzz on Jimmy's sweaty lips, glistening as he cooks in the light of a dozen hamburger heat lamps.&quot;'''
:'''Becky''': Hey, that's my diary! Give me that!
:'''T.J.''': Ah-ah-ah! I've got copies. Now either you give me a ride, or this baby hits the Internet.
:''[Becky sulks in annoyance; later, they're driving along the highway]''
:'''T.J.''': Thanks for driving me, Becky. You're the sweetest big sister a kid could ask.
:'''Becky''': And you are the annoying pet monkey I wish I never got!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, I try to keep things interesting. Oh, next rest stop, pull in. I gotta take care of business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. has just arrived to pick up Vince from baseball camp]''
:'''Vince''': T.J., what are you doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You've got to come back to town. It's an emergency.
:'''Vince''': What? I can't just leave.
:'''T.J.''': Look, something weird is going on at the school. Principal Prickly got dematerialized!
:'''Vince''': &quot;Dematerialized&quot;? T.J., you're crazy.
:'''T.J.''': ''[holding up Principal Prickly's burnt golf shoes]'' Am I?
:''[Vince gasps in shock of horror; Later in the car…]''
:'''Becky''': Mt. Van Buren? That's 20 miles away. I'm not taking you there.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out her diary; reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Diary, I dreamed of Jimmy again. He was rocking me so gently, just like he rocks the grease off a basket of hot and steamy onion rings.&quot;'''
:'''Vince''': Whoa! Let me look at that.
:'''Becky''': ''[moans in annoyance]'' Jerks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Vince arrive at Space Camp to pick up Gretchen]''
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? Vince? What are you guys doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You're not gonna believe this, but…
:''[Cut to them in the car]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[shocked]'' &quot;Dematerialized&quot;?!
:'''T.J.''': Just like out of ''Star Trek.''
:'''Gretchen''': Fascinating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, sis.
:'''Becky''': ''[annoyingly]'' You owe me gas money. ''[drives off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Okay, Teej, you were right. Something weird ''is'' going on in the school. And Prickly must be in on it.
:'''Gus''': I say we go to the police.
:'''T.J.''': I already went to the police. I went to everyone. Nobody'll listen.
:'''Gretchen''': What we need is proof.
:'''Vince''': Proof? How are we gonna get proof?
:'''T.J.''': I got a plan. A stakeout.
:'''Vince''': A stakeout?
:'''T.J.''': Yeah. We can stay up in my treehouse and watch the school every night until something happens.
:'''Spinelli''': Like one of them TV cop shows.
:'''T.J.''': Sure. And the next time those laser guys make a move, we'll catch 'em red-handed.
:'''Gretchen''': We can take pictures with my night-vision digital cam.
:'''Gus''': Then we call in the feds and, bang, we got 'em.
:'''Vince''': Only one problem-- what about camp?
:'''Gus''': Oh, yeah. If my dad finds out I've gone AWOL, he'll throw me in the brig till September.
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry. All I gotta do is get Becky to drive you guys back to camp in the morning, and then at night, we'll pick you up again. You'll be campers by day, spies by night.
:'''Gus''': But what if the camp counselors notice we're not there?
:'''T.J.''': Leave that to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang is hanging out in T.J.'s treehouse in the backyard]''
:'''Vince''': ''[watching the school through night-vision digital camera]'' Infrared night vision, 200-to-1 zoom. I gotta hand it to you, Gretch. You can see the whole school with this thing. 
:'''Gretchen''': You can make lots of handy devices out of the spare parts in a family's garage. I once fashioned a particle accelerator out of a broken hair dryer and a four slice toaster oven.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[reading Becky's diary]'' '''&quot;Tonight, the magical moment arrived. We met behind the drive-thru menu and kissed passionately as the sound of the deep fat fryer faded into the night.&quot;''' ''[laughs along with Gus]'' Man, I wish I had an older sister.
:'''Mikey''': Laugh if you will. I think it's beautiful.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up]'' Sorry I'm late, guys. But I had to wait till my mom and dad fell asleep before I could sneak out with the goodies. ''[holds up his backpack with two plastic bags of roast beef and mashed potatoes]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps]'' Roast beef and mashed potatoes! My favorite!
:'''T.J.''': I also managed to swipe this. ''[takes out a large tub of Rocky Road ice cream]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps again]'' Rocky Road! My other favorite!
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, give me some of that!
:''[Vince and Gus join in]''
:'''Gretchen''': Excuse me, but, aren't we supposed to eat dinner ''before'' dessert?
:''[The others look at her for a quick pause, and then laugh hysterically]''
:'''Spinelli''': Good one, Gretch!
:'''Vince''': Man, you were right, Teej. This is the life.
:'''Spinelli''': Hanging out with your friends, eating ice cream, spying on bad guys.
:'''Gus''': It's the ultimate kid experience.
:'''Gretchen''': Too bad these days are numbered.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, this probably the last summer we'll get to do stuff like this.
:'''T.J.''': Kinda whomps, huh?
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, remember that summer after 2nd grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?
:'''Gretchen''': Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilsons' backyard?
:'''Vince''': And Spinelli spelled hers wrong.
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, I was seven, and S's are tricky. ''[notices Gus sobbing]'' What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.
:'''Gus''': I know. And I'll never have any of those memories. ''[hugs his arms around Gretchen as she comforts him]''
:'''Mikey''': Know what I'll never forget? That song T.J.'s sister taught us the first summer after Kindergarten.
:'''T.J.''': ''[remembers]'' Oh, yeah. Back when she was nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Next morning; T.J. pops from behind a bush across the street from the school while his friends are back at camp]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:41 A.M. Gang back at camp. I'm going in alone. ''[runs to the school and looks through the window, then hears voices and crawls into the dumpster to hide, ending up finding Principal Prickly's golf pants]'' Hey. ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:43 A.M. I found what appear to be... Principal Prickly's golf pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later that night at the treehouse…]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[examining the pants with a magnifying glass]'' Double-knit polyester. These are Prickly's all right.
:'''Spinelli''': But why would the bald guy wanna pretend to be Principal Prickly?
:'''Vince''': And where's the ''real'' Principal Prickly anyway?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[feels something in the pants' pocket]'' Wait a minute. There's something in here. ''[takes out a folded note and opens it that reads…]'' '''&quot;Help me?&quot;'''
:'''Mikey''': It sounds like a desperate cry for help!
:'''Vince''': Then Principal Prickly must still be in the school.
:'''Gus''': Being held captive!
:'''T.J.''': You know what that means, don't you guys? ''[determined]'' We gotta go in there and save him. ''[he and his friends gear up with weapons and gadgets]'' Bikes?
:'''Vince''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Walkie-talkie?
:'''Gus''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Rope with pointy thing?
:'''Mikey''': ''[holding the rope with a grappling hook]'' Check.
:'''T.J.''': Good. Then let's go.
:''[They set off to the school on their bikes to start their rescue mission]''
:'''Spinelli''': I still say this is nuts. I mean, breaking ''out'' of the school I understand, but breaking ''in?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[seeing that they've hidden in their old classroom]'' Hey, this is our old room.
:'''Gus''': I hope somebody's feeding the gerbil.
:'''T.J.''': ''[hearing voices talking]'' Shh. I hear something.
:''[They walk around the classroom finding where the voices are coming from]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[points up to a vent]'' It's coming from up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang crawl through the vent towards the auditorium, following the sound of voices talking; the auditorium is filled with machines, scientists, and guards]''
:'''Spinelli''': Whoa, what is all this stuff?
:'''Gretchen''': Well, against the far wall is what looks to be a plutonium turbine. Closer ahead, you'll absorb a global electrode. To your right is the laser device we saw earlier, and of course, that glowing orb-- an electron pulse generator. Clearly, the nerve center of the system.
:'''T.J.''': ''[quietly]'' Shh! The bad guys are talking.
:'''Lazenby''': But, Dr. Benedict, please.
:'''Benedict''': No, let me make this clear to you, Lazenby. We have a thing called a &quot;window of opportunity&quot;. If we miss the window of opportunity, then the project fails! And if the project fails, then I get very, very '''''ANGRY!'''''
:'''Fenwick''': But they may have a point, sir. It seems the logistical problems are a bit more complicated than Dr. Steinheimer thought!
:'''Steinheimer''': Yes, it would be a lot easier if we could move the laser to a more appropriate location.
:'''Benedict''': This operation will be executed as planned, from right here! Have I made myself clear?!
:'''Lazenby''': But sir--
:'''Benedict''': '''''NO BUTS!''''' It started at Third Street, it is going to ''END'' at Third Street!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': We gotta get out of here!
:'''Mikey''': ''[has the sudden feeling he's about to burp]'' Uh-oh.
:'''T.J.''': What is it?
:'''Mikey''': I got that feeling, T.J.!
:'''Spinelli''': Hot it in, big guy. Hold it in!
:'''Mikey''': I can't! ''[covers his mouth and belches so loud, it echoes throughout the auditorium]''
:'''Fenwick''': ''[hearing that]'' What was that?
:'''Benedict''': Someone had better say, &quot;Excuse me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': Ninjas! Ninjas! Why did they have to be ninjas?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Well, well, well, if it ain't the little snoop!
:'''T.J.''': What?! I ain't no snoop! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) plays the tape recorder; voice on tape] 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still the guarding school. [chuckles nervously]'' Oops.
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Let's go, snoop. You're in big trouble now.
:'''T.J.''': ''[being dragged]'' Ow! Ow! Hey, watch the jacket, it's cotton! ''[gets thrown into a storage closet and sees Principal Prickly in a chair, with his hands tied behind his back and his mouth taped up]'' Principal Prickly! You're alive! ''[takes the tape off Prickly's mouth]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Ow! Would you be careful?!
:'''T.J.''': Boy, am I glad to see you, sir? You won't believe what these guys are doing in the auditorium. They got this big laser gun and-- ''[notices him in his golf underwear]'' Whoa, who took your pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop #1''': So you're saying you just escaped from a troop of ninja warriors?
:'''Vince''': That's right!
:'''Cop #2''': And they got a ''giant laser gun'' in the school's auditorium?
:'''Gretchen''': Precisely!
:'''Cop #1''': Which is aimed at the ''moon?''
:'''Mikey''': Thank heavens you understand!
:''[The two cops burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict is interrogating TJ and Principal Prickly in the dungeon]''
:'''Benedict''': Oh, Pete, come on. There's no need to be rude. Not after I instructed my men to take such special care of you.
:'''Prickly''': &quot;Special care&quot;?! That's what you call gagging me, tying me up and taking away my pants?!
:'''Benedict''': Had to, Pete. Otherwise you might run off and betray me, like you did the last time! But, hey, look at the bright side. At least you've got company now.
:'''Prickly''': Let the boy go, Phil. He can't do anything to you.
:'''Benedict''': Same old noble Pete. Always standing up for the rights of children.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised, to Prickly]'' You?
:'''Benedict''': But unfortunately, I can't let anybody go right now. You see, this experimental night school that I'm running is kind of a secret. I'm trying to show that my... adult students can be trained to be capable and productive members of society.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah?! Well, if you're just running a night school, then what's that giant laser gun doing in the auditorium?! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) forces him down in a chair]''
:'''Benedict''': ''[contemptuously]'' What a rude and badly dressed little boy you are. ''[turns to Prickly]'' You know, you should teach your pupils a little respect for their superiors, Pete. But that would mean that you'd have to know how to teach them ''anything at all,'' wouldn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[threateningly vowing, in flashback]'' You took my chick. You took my job. Well, enjoy it while you can, Petey boy, 'cause you're gonna pay! Somehow, someway, you're gonna pay.
:'''Prickly''': I never saw Phillium again. He quit teaching, went into politics. Eventually became Secretary of Education - until the President fired him for trying to get rid of recess again. Only this time it was nationwide.
:'''T.J.''': So that guy's some weirdo ex-teacher who wants to get rid of recess?
:'''Prickly''': ''[nodding]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''T.J.''': Okay. Now it's personal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Principal Prickly crawl through the vent and enter the office]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[picks up the phone to call for help]'' Dang! The line's dead. Hey, Principal Prickly, what did you do with the walkie-talkie you confiscated from me last week?
:'''Prickly''': Top drawer, on the right. Just look what Phil's done to my office. I had it all nice and clean for the summer.
:'''T.J.''': ''[opens up the right top drawer of the desk and digs through]'' Packs of gum, yo-yos, my old baseball… Hey, I've been looking for this. Ah, here it is, my walkie-talkie. Now all I gotta do is contact the guys and-- ''[sees something shocking on the wall; horrified]'' Oh, no.
:'''Prickly''': What is it, Detweiler? ''[looks up at the wall; shocked]'' I told 'em that guy was a nut.
:'''T.J.''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Hello? Hello, is anybody there?''
:'''Vince''': It's T.J.! T.J., buddy, you okay?
:'''T.J.''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Yeah, I'm fine, and so is Principal Prickly.
:'''Vince''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Principal Prickly? But, how--''
:'''T.J.''': Look, I don't have time to explain, but I think we've figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying… '''''to get rid of summer vacation!'''''
:''[The wall shows a &quot;No Summer Vacation&quot; graffiti]''
:'''Mikey''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''T.J.''': Guys, guys, don't freak out on me. I got a plan. All we gotta do is… ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) swipes the walkie-talkie out of his hands; chuckles nervously]'' Why, Mr. Bald Guy, what a surprise.
:'''Spinelli''': T.J.! T.J.!
:'''Gretchen''': It's dead!
:'''Mikey''': They must've got him!
:'''Gus''': What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!
:'''Vince''': ''[determined]'' There's only one thing we ''can'' do… We gotta get help.
:''[Around dawn, the five show up in the drive-thru of Floppy Burger to talk to Becky in getting her help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[through speaker box] Bow-wow! Good morning. Welcome to Floppy Burger. May I take your order, please?''
:'''Vince''': Becky, this is Vince.
:'''Becky''': ''Vince? What are you doing here?''
:'''Spinelli''': It's not just Vince. It's me, Gretchen, and everybody. We got a problem!
:'''Becky''': ''Yeah, well, I got a problem too… It's called six dweeby 10-year-olds who won't leave me alone, even when I'm at work. I am a professional! So whatever your little problem is, forget it!''
:'''Gretchen''': But it's about T.J.
:'''Gus''': He's in trouble and he needs your help!
:'''Becky''': ''Well, isn't that nice? After stealing my diary, threatening to put it on the Internet, and making me drive across the state three times, he needs ''my'' help?! Give me one good reason why I should help him. Just one!''
:'''Mikey''': ''[serious]'' 'Cause he's your little brother and he needs you.
:'''Becky''': ''Please pull forward to the second drive-thru window.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at T.J.'s walkie-talkie]'' A confiscated walkie-talkie. Why do you do these things to me, Pete? Do you ''enjoy'' tormenting me? Do you hate me?
:'''Prickly''': I don't hate you, Phil. I just think you're ''insane!''
:'''Benedict''': ''[laughs dryly]'' &quot;Insane&quot;. Well, there you go again, Pete. Insulting me, hurting my feelings, just like thirty years ago. Only this time, Petey, I'm ready. ''[looking out Principal Prickly's office window]'' You see, all those years, no matter how big I got, no matter how successful, I always thought about ''you. [angrily]'' How you ''embarrassed'' me! How you ''humiliated'' me! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, '''''the only woman I ever loved!'''''''
:'''T.J.''': ''[aside, to Prickly]'' That part still grosses me out, sir.
:'''Prickly''': Shh!
:'''Benedict''': But this time, Pete, I'm gonna humiliate ''you.'' This time, I'm gonna prove to the world that you were wrong and I was right!
:'''Prickly''': About what?
:'''Benedict''': About recess! About freedom! About test scores! I found a way to prove my theory. I'm gonna get rid of the biggest recess of 'em all - I am gonna get rid of summer vacation!
:'''T.J.''': ''[enraged]'' You '''''FIEND!'''''
:'''Benedict''': &quot;Fiend&quot;. You try to help people, that's the thanks you've had.
:'''Prickly''': It'll never work, Phil.
:'''Benedict''': Well, actually, Pete, that's where you're wrong. ''[presses a red button on a remote and a holographic globe and moon rise up from the floor]'' You see, all I have to do is modify the moon's orbit ever so slightly... ''[presses red button]'' ...and tide levels on the Eastern Seaboard rise eight feet. Move the moon over here... ''[presses red button]'' ...and the currents that warm California suddenly become ice-cold. Summer, as we know it, will become a thing of the past. And without summer... ''[presses red button, and the globe diagram grows icicles; T.J. and Prickly gasp in horror]'' No summer vacation.
:'''T.J.''': ''[vengefully]'' You'll never get away with this, Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Oh yeah? Well, who's gonna stop me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict locks T.J. and Principal Prickly in a birdcage to keep them from interfering with his plans to destroy summer vacation.]''
:'''T.J.''': Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here!
:'''Prickly''': Calm down, Detweiler. I've got the--
:'''T.J.''': Calm down?! We're locked in a giant birdcage while a madman is out there trying to destroy summer vacation, and you want me to calm down?!
:'''Prickly''': I understand, but I--
:'''T.J.''': How can ''you'' understand?! You're just a grownup! What do YOU know about summer vacation?!
:'''Prickly''': ''[stands and puts his hands akimbo]'' I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiler. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at some time in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding bikes down by the creek, catching polliwogs in a jar, camping out under the stars? Well, you're wrong! ''[pause]'' Some days, I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids on the playground and I think, &quot;They don't know how good they've got it. In a few years, they're all going to be grown-ups like me, and all those good times will be memories for them too&quot;. So go ahead. Put a whoopie-cushion in my chair. Cover my carpet with fake vomit. Make fun of my ''&quot;big, saggy butt&quot;''. But don't you ''ever'' say I don't care about summer vacation, because those memories are the last part of childhood I've got left.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised and moved]'' Principal Prickly... I had no idea...
:'''Prickly''': Yeah? Well, now you do. So let's stop messing around. ''[holds up keys]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey! How did you get those keys?
:'''Prickly''': ''[unlocking the cage door]'' Swiped them off Phillium's desk when he wasn't looking. Now come on - we've got a summer vacation to save!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[trying to get all the kids' attention]'' People, people! Just quiet down for a moment!
:'''Vince''': Oh, man, nobody's listening.
:'''Spinelli''': They'll listen to me, once I introduce them to my good friend Madame Fist!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Spinelli. That's your answer for everything.
:'''Spinelli''': Well, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas, sports boy.
:'''Mikey''': Listen to the two of you. You're not helping things at all!
:''[The three start arguing]''
:'''Gus''': ''[yelling]'' '''''QUIET!!!!!''''' ''[Spinelli, Vince, and Mikey all look at him]'' What we need is a leader. A kid with the right training. A  kid who knows strategy and field tactics. A kid who commands respect.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, but where we gonna find a kid like that?
:'''Gus''': Leave that to me.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[whistles and all the kids finally get her attention]'' Please! We have to get organized.
:'''Digger Sam''': Ah, what's the use?
:'''Ashley A.''': Yeah. If what you say is true, all the fun of being a kid is, like, totally ruined anyway.
:'''Upside-Down Girl''': It's like the whole world's been turned right-side up!
:'''Gretchen''': Not necessarily. All we have to do is work together and come up with a plan.
:'''Francis (Hustler Kid)''': Detweiler's the one who always comes up with the plans.
:'''Digger Sam''': Yeah, let's face it, we're doomed!
:'''Spinelli''': That's what you think! Kids of the playground, meet your new commanding officer.
:''[Gus steps out of the bushes, dressed up as a military commander]''
:'''Captain Brad''': Griswald? He couldn't lead a glee club! ''[he and all the other kids laugh]''
:'''Gus''': ''[marches over to him as he stops laughing; sharply]'' You find that funny, Bradley? Well, I'm not here to make jokes. I'm here to make history! So if you wanna laugh, take it somewhere else! But if you wanna save the world, then suck in your gut and stand at attention! ''[Brad does so; to the others]'' Now who's with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Principal Prickly and TJ are dressed as guards]''
:'''Prickly''': You sure this is going to work, Detweiler?
:'''TJ''': Come on, Principal Prickly. Don't you watch old spy movies? This trick is pure gold. ''[they walk up two guards]'' ''[deep voice]'' Uh, Dr. Benedict wanted to speak to us about a very important matter.
:'''Guard #1''': ''[quickly recognizes them]'' Hey, you two aren't guards! 
:'''T.J.''': ''[normal voice; to Prickly, alarmed]'' Run! ''[he and Prickly take off down the hall with the guards in pursuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Don't do it, Dr. Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Don't do it? You think after all this planning, all this work, you can get me to stop just by saying &quot;don't do it&quot;?
:'''Mikey''': What if we add &quot;please&quot;?
:'''Benedict''': You kids just don't get it, do you? Well, let me explain this in a way your uneducated brains will understand. The American public thinks test scores are too low. But if a person, say me, could make test scores go up, why, everybody would feel better. They might even elect that person President of the United States. Now, do you have any idea which countries have the highest test scores?
:'''Gretchen''': Uh, Japan?
:'''Vince''': Germany?
:'''Mikey''': Tierra del Fuego?
:'''Benedict''': '''''CANADA! ICELAND! NORWAY!''''' And why? Because it's ''snowing'' up there all the time! Kids don't waste their summers playing ball, they're inside studying. And that is why I'm getting rid of summer vacation once and for all.
:'''T.J.''': ''[facing him; bravely]'' You got it all wrong, old man! Your plan'll never work! Sure, maybe your crazy laser beam can move the moon, maybe you can even make it snow all summer, maybe you can get rid of long afternoons playing baseball, or sunny days down by the lake, or warm nights camping out under the stars. But that won't stop us! We'll ride out bikes through the snow, we'll play kickball in the slush, we'll camp out in igloos! You may take away summer, but you'll ''never'' take away summer vacation!
:'''Benedict''': Well, I can try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[when Miss Finster drops down from the roof window; surprised]'' Muriel, it's you. You're still a vision of loveliness.
:'''Miss Finster''': Yeah? And you're still a two-bit, recess-hating pretty boy.
:'''Benedict''': That hurt, Muriel. But I'll forgive you if you'll just come back to me.
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! I'd rather eat playground dirt.
:'''Benedict''': That can be arranged, my dear.
:'''Miss Finster''': Not before I take you down.
:'''Benedict''': Take me down? Yeah, right. You and what army?
:'''Miss Finster''': Me and ''this'' army!
:''[Miss Lemon, Miss Grotke, and the other school faculty drop down]''
:'''Gus''': ''[surprised]'' The teachers!
:'''Benedict''': GET THEM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at the ruins of the destroyed tractor beam]'' All my plans, my hopes and dreams... ruined ''[falls on his knees; wailing in defeat]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RUINED!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[The kids all cheer for victory; Later, he is arrested for his crimes when the cops escort him and Fenwick out of the school]'' Get your hands off the suit, you classless feeb! I am the former Secretary of Education!
:'''Cop #2''': Yeah, yeah. And I'm the former princess of Morocco. Get in the car.
:'''Fenwick''': But, it's all his fault. I was only following orders. I'll turn state's evidence.
:'''Randall''': Geez, what a squealer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': What an exciting summer. T.J. saved the world and Becky made assistant fry chef at Floppy Burger!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come on, Ellie. The reporters want to talk to us about how we raised a hero.
:'''T.J.''': Listen, Becky, I heard about how you saved my life and everything, and, well, here, I think this is yours. ''[takes out her diary, giving it back to her]''
:'''Becky''': My diary? I can't believe it. You realize this means you don't have any leverage over me anymore?
:'''T.J.''': Hey, what can I say? Maybe I'm just growing up.
:'''Becky''': Gee, you're an all right little brother after all. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[last lines]'''
:'''T.J.''': Principal Prickly?
:'''Principal Prickly''': Huh? Oh, it's you, Detweiler. I was just cleaning up this mess Phillium left. Guy always was a packrat. Look at this. Norwegian weather map. From 1956!
:'''T.J.''': Listen, sir. I never really got a chance to thank you for all the stuff you did. Quitting your golf game, telling Benedict to let me go, helping me save the world and junk.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Actually, Detweiler, I'm the one who should be thanking you.
:'''T.J.''': Huh?
:'''Principal Prickly''': You did me a big favor by dragging me into this mess. See, I didn't get into teaching for the promotions, or the pension plans, or so I could get to the golf course by 3:45. I-- I... did it because I wanted to help you kids. And I'd forgotten that. ''[looks at his peace necklace]'' 'Til today.
:''[There is a knock at the window; T.J.'s friends are waiting outside]''
:'''Vince''': Come on, Teej!
:'''Spinelli''': The pond awaits!
:'''T.J.''': I'll be there in a second!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Hey, it's a gorgeous summer day and your pals are waiting. Go have some fun while you can...Teej.
:'''T.J.''': You got it...Pete.
:''[Prickly smiles friendly; T.J. opens window and jumps out and runs with his friends and Prickly puts on his peace necklace as &quot;Let the Sunshine In&quot; by The 5th Dimension plays in the background]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[calling after T.J.]'' But don't forget- come September, you're mine! I haven't forgotten that &quot;saggy butt&quot; comment!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, September is a long way off!
:''[Prickly smiles at T.J. and his friends, and looks at his peace necklace as the camera pans around 3rd Street School, and T.J. and his friends enjoy the rest of summer as the screen fades to black]''

==Cast==
Evil Castle

* [[w:Andrew Lawrence (actor)|Andrew Lawrence]] as Theodore Jasper &quot;T.J.&quot; Detweiller
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Rickey D'Shon Collins]] as Vince LaSalle
* [[w:Jason Davis (actor)|Jason Davis]] as Mikey Blumberg (speaking voice)
* [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] as Mikey Blumberg (singing voice)
* [[w:Ashley Johnson|Ashley Johnson]] as Gretchen Grundler
* [[w:Courtland Mead|Courtland Mead]] as Gus Griswold
* [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Segall]] as Ashley Spinelli
* [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Principal Peter Prickly
* [[James Woods]] as Dr. Phillium Benedict
* [[w:Peter MacNicol|Peter MacNicol]] as Fenwick
* [[April Winchell]] as Miss Muriel Finster / Mrs. Detweiller
* [[w:Paul Willson|Paul Willson]] as Mr. Detweiller
* [[w:Melissa Joan Hart|Melissa Joan Hart]] as Becky Detweiller
* [[w:Ryan O'Donohue|Ryan O'Donohue]] as Digger Dave / Randall C. Weems 
* [[w:Allyce Beasley|Allyce Beasley]] as Miss Grotke
* [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Guard #1
* [[w:Tony Jay|Tony Jay]] as Dr. Rosenthal
* [[w:Nicholas Turturro|Nicholas Turturro]] as Cop #1
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] as Cop #2
* [[Clancy Brown]] as Bald Guy (a.k.a. Kojak)
* [[w:Robert Stack|Robert Stack]] as Superintendent
* [[w:Erik von Detten|Erik von Detten]] as Erwin Lawson / Captain Brad
* [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Colonel O'Malley

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Recess]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about children]]</text>
      <sha1>i2xphg7fh7hmck18pvj0uk0pmebzpy8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607208</id>
      <parentid>3607207</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:09:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607208</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="37778" sha1="egylu8e58e24g9cbf1y6djyowhne91w" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Recess: School's Out|Recess: School's Out]]''''' is an [[w:animation|animated film]] comedy adventure film based on the [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] [[w:television program|television series]] ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]''. This film was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and was released theatrically nationwide on February 16, 2001. It was released on home video and DVD on August 7, 2001. And now, Walt Disney Entertainment Group are: The Groovy Green Tambourine by Mickey Mouse.

==Rated==
G

==Dialogue==
:'''King Bob''': I, King Bob, as my last official act before entering middle school, ''[takes off his helmet]'' hereby anoint this boy here ''[places helmet on Freddie's head]'' King Freddie II. ''[stamps the letter &quot;F&quot; on the helmet; to King Freddie II]'' May you boss around all of the kids with fairness.
:'''Jerome''': The King has graduated! Long live the King!
:''[Everyone cheers at King Bob's Graduation Ceremony, as the Safety Rangers play &quot;Hail to the Chief&quot; with their kazoos]''
:'''Captain Brad''': ''[shouting at the Safety Rangers]'' Elbow up! Eyes forward! You call that kazoo ''playing?!''
:'''Ashley B.''': Ah, ceremony.
:'''Ashley Q.''': I'm, like, moved, Ashley A.
:'''Ashley A.''': Say what you want about their personal lives, Ashley Q. The royals have such style.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Finster''': ''My ice cream!'' Stop it! Stop it, I say! You little monsters are in trouble now! Just wait 'till Principal Prickly hears about this!
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[over speaker]'' Attention, students, this is Principal Prickly talking.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[impressed but surprised]'' Well, that was fast.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Some of you may have noticed ice cream on the playground. I want you to know that I will not stand for this. This ice cream should be eaten immediately.
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[shocked]'' Huh?
:''[The kids shrug, and go back to enjoying themselves.]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': In addition, I want you to all ignore Miss Finster, no matter what she says, about ice cream or anything else!
:''[The kids cheer.]''
:'''Miss Finster''': ''[stunned]'' This can't be happening.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Furthermore, I want to inform you all that I have a fat, saggy butt, which I like to scratch every hour on the hour.
:''[The kids burst out laughing, and the camera zooms behind the school, revealing that Gretchen and T.J. have hijacked the speakers, with Gretchen at the controls of the Voice-Changing machine, and T.J. imitating Prickly's voice through a microphone.]''
:'''T.J.''': Also, I want to apologize to all of you, for being such a mean principal, taking away hall passes, giving guys recess detention, refusing to accept sick notes, just because it doesn't look like a guy's mom's signature, making kids stand at the wall for 10 whole minutes, with no break. Man, I feel ashamed of myself for all the terrible, rotten things I've done. And next year, I promise to-- ''[pauses as a magnificent shadow looms over him; it is Principal Prickly, scowling at him]'' ''[nervously]'' Why, Principal Prickly, sir, what a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Man, Teej, that prank was sweet.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, you should've seen the look on Finster's face. I thought she was gonna blow a gasket. 
:'''Mikey''': Those limesicles were tasty.
:'''T.J.''': A tasty beginning to a tasty summer. Twelve weeks of nothing but riding bikes, hanging out at the lake and T.P.-ing the West Side Golf Course. Summer vacation, the ultimate recess.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, I can't wait to get to baseball camp.
:'''T.J.''': ''[stops walking; having to have heard that]'' Baseball camp? What are you talking about?
:'''Spinelli''': Actually, Teej, I'm gonna be out of town too. See, the Big Time Wrestling Federation has this training camp, and I gotta learn some new moves if I'm ever gonna turn pro.
:'''T.J.''': But, Spinelli.
:'''Gus''': It's military camp for me. My dad says I need to learn to be a leader.
:'''Gretchen''': I shall be attending the Mt. Van Buren Space Camp. Don't wanna let those science geeks get ahead of me.
:'''T.J.''': You mean, you're ''all'' going to camp?
:'''Mikey''': Not me.
:'''T.J.''': ''[relieved, or so he thought]'' Thank goodness.
:'''Mikey''': The Young Voices Training Program doesn't like the word &quot;camp.&quot; They provide opportunities for aspiring singers to train their voices in a rigorous yet supportive setting.
:'''T.J.''': But summer's gonna be ruined. What am I gonna do? Play baseball by myself? Watch reruns? Read?!
:'''Vince''': Sorry, man, but we gotta think about our future.
:'''Spinelli''': Yeah, we can't waste the whole summer just fooling around like kids.
:'''T.J.''': But we ''are'' kids!
:'''Gretchen''': Actually, as of the completion of fourth grade, we are technically considered pre-young adults.
:'''Mikey''': And next year we won't even be pre.
:'''T.J.''': But… ''[sighs]'' All right, let's make the most of the time we've got left. When do you all leave (for camp)?
:'''Vince''': First thing in the morning.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Evening at the Detweiler house; the Detweilers are eating dinner at the table]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey, Dad, what do they use the school for during the summer?
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': The school? They lock it up, it's empty. Why?
:'''T.J.''': Well, today when I was riding by, I saw this really scary looking guy and--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, I'm sure he was just cleaning up.
:'''T.J.''': I don't know. I think something weird's going on in there. Something ''really'' weird.
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[sighs; to her husband]'' Mrs. LaSalle was right. We should've sent him to some kind of camp.
:''[Next morning, T.J. hides in a bush, watching Kojak (the bald guy) standing by the school gate]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out his tape recorder to take notes]'' 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still guarding the school. ''[looks through binoculars and sees some vehicles approaching; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32-and-a-half A.M. Grownups wrong. School's ''not'' empty. ''[looks through binoculars, seeing a green light coming through the cafeteria windows; speaks into tape recorder]'' 9:32 and three quarters. Green glow in window again. I'm going in for a closer look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[running back to his house, after discovering what is going on in the school]'' '''''MOM! MOM!''''' ''[accidentally runs into the sliding glass door]''
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': T.J.! Are you all right?
:'''T.J.''': Mom! There's guys at the school! They're doing some kind of evil experiment!
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': Oh, dear. That bonk on the head must have rattled your little brain.
:'''T.J.''': But, Mom--
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': ''[feeling his head]'' You're feverish! You wait right here. I'll go get the baby thermometer and the petroleum jelly.
:'''T.J.''': Uh... Dad, Dad! ''[He runs to the garage, where his father is fixing the car.]'' Dad!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': What is it, boy?
:'''T.J.''': Those evil bad guys have got a laser beam, and they're lifting the safe--
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': ''[rolls out from under the car]'' T.J., did you run into the sliding glass door again?
:'''T.J.''': No, but-- Yeah, but-- ''[frustrated]''  '''''GAAAH!''''' ''[runs off]''
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come back! Your mom's gonna want to take your temperature!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[walks out of the police station]'' Laugh at me, will ya?! I'm gonna be a taxpayer someday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': ''[runs back to his house after Principal Prickly got dematerialized; takes out his tape recorder]'' 11:57 A.M. Principal Prickly dematerialized in horrifying field of electricity. The cops won't listen. Mom and Dad won't listen. I gotta get the guys together. It's the only way! ''[runs up to Becky's room for help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the phone]'' Like, I am so through with him, Melissa. He asked me if I spoke French and then winked at me.
:'''T.J.''': Becky, you gotta help me! I need a ride up to Chesterville, pronto!
:'''Becky''': Are you kidding? I'm not doing anything for you, you little dork.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes her sister's diary out of his jacket pocket; clears throat and reads]'' '''&quot;Oh, how I dream of the mustache fuzz on Jimmy's sweaty lips, glistening as he cooks in the light of a dozen hamburger heat lamps.&quot;'''
:'''Becky''': Hey, that's my diary! Give me that!
:'''T.J.''': Ah-ah-ah! I've got copies. Now either you give me a ride, or this baby hits the Internet.
:''[Becky sulks in annoyance; later, they're driving along the highway]''
:'''T.J.''': Thanks for driving me, Becky. You're the sweetest big sister a kid could ask.
:'''Becky''': And you are the annoying pet monkey I wish I never got!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, I try to keep things interesting. Oh, next rest stop, pull in. I gotta take care of business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. has just arrived to pick up Vince from baseball camp]''
:'''Vince''': T.J., what are you doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You've got to come back to town. It's an emergency.
:'''Vince''': What? I can't just leave.
:'''T.J.''': Look, something weird is going on at the school. Principal Prickly got dematerialized!
:'''Vince''': &quot;Dematerialized&quot;? T.J., you're crazy.
:'''T.J.''': ''[holding up Principal Prickly's burnt golf shoes]'' Am I?
:''[Vince gasps in shock of horror; Later in the car…]''
:'''Becky''': Mt. Van Buren? That's 20 miles away. I'm not taking you there.
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out her diary; reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Diary, I dreamed of Jimmy again. He was rocking me so gently, just like he rocks the grease off a basket of hot and steamy onion rings.&quot;'''
:'''Vince''': Whoa! Let me look at that.
:'''Becky''': ''[moans in annoyance]'' Jerks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Vince arrive at Space Camp to pick up Gretchen]''
:'''Gretchen''': T.J.? Vince? What are you guys doing here?
:'''T.J.''': You're not gonna believe this, but…
:''[Cut to them in the car]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[shocked]'' &quot;Dematerialized&quot;?!
:'''T.J.''': Just like out of ''Star Trek.''
:'''Gretchen''': Fascinating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T.J.''': Thanks a lot, sis.
:'''Becky''': ''[annoyingly]'' You owe me gas money. ''[drives off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Okay, Teej, you were right. Something weird ''is'' going on in the school. And Prickly must be in on it.
:'''Gus''': I say we go to the police.
:'''T.J.''': I already went to the police. I went to everyone. Nobody'll listen.
:'''Gretchen''': What we need is proof.
:'''Vince''': Proof? How are we gonna get proof?
:'''T.J.''': I got a plan. A stakeout.
:'''Vince''': A stakeout?
:'''T.J.''': Yeah. We can stay up in my treehouse and watch the school every night until something happens.
:'''Spinelli''': Like one of them TV cop shows.
:'''T.J.''': Sure. And the next time those laser guys make a move, we'll catch 'em red-handed.
:'''Gretchen''': We can take pictures with my night-vision digital cam.
:'''Gus''': Then we call in the feds and, bang, we got 'em.
:'''Vince''': Only one problem-- what about camp?
:'''Gus''': Oh, yeah. If my dad finds out I've gone AWOL, he'll throw me in the brig till September.
:'''T.J.''': Not to worry. All I gotta do is get Becky to drive you guys back to camp in the morning, and then at night, we'll pick you up again. You'll be campers by day, spies by night.
:'''Gus''': But what if the camp counselors notice we're not there?
:'''T.J.''': Leave that to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang is hanging out in T.J.'s treehouse in the backyard]''
:'''Vince''': ''[watching the school through night-vision digital camera]'' Infrared night vision, 200-to-1 zoom. I gotta hand it to you, Gretch. You can see the whole school with this thing. 
:'''Gretchen''': You can make lots of handy devices out of the spare parts in a family's garage. I once fashioned a particle accelerator out of a broken hair dryer and a four slice toaster oven.
:'''Spinelli''': ''[reading Becky's diary]'' '''&quot;Tonight, the magical moment arrived. We met behind the drive-thru menu and kissed passionately as the sound of the deep fat fryer faded into the night.&quot;''' ''[laughs along with Gus]'' Man, I wish I had an older sister.
:'''Mikey''': Laugh if you will. I think it's beautiful.
:'''T.J.''': ''[showing up]'' Sorry I'm late, guys. But I had to wait till my mom and dad fell asleep before I could sneak out with the goodies. ''[holds up his backpack with two plastic bags of roast beef and mashed potatoes]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps]'' Roast beef and mashed potatoes! My favorite!
:'''T.J.''': I also managed to swipe this. ''[takes out a large tub of Rocky Road ice cream]''
:'''Mikey''': ''[gasps again]'' Rocky Road! My other favorite!
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, give me some of that!
:''[Vince and Gus join in]''
:'''Gretchen''': Excuse me, but, aren't we supposed to eat dinner ''before'' dessert?
:''[The others look at her for a quick pause, and then laugh hysterically]''
:'''Spinelli''': Good one, Gretch!
:'''Vince''': Man, you were right, Teej. This is the life.
:'''Spinelli''': Hanging out with your friends, eating ice cream, spying on bad guys.
:'''Gus''': It's the ultimate kid experience.
:'''Gretchen''': Too bad these days are numbered.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, this probably the last summer we'll get to do stuff like this.
:'''T.J.''': Kinda whomps, huh?
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, remember that summer after 2nd grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?
:'''Gretchen''': Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilsons' backyard?
:'''Vince''': And Spinelli spelled hers wrong.
:'''Spinelli''': Hey, I was seven, and S's are tricky. ''[notices Gus sobbing]'' What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.
:'''Gus''': I know. And I'll never have any of those memories. ''[hugs his arms around Gretchen as she comforts him]''
:'''Mikey''': Know what I'll never forget? That song T.J.'s sister taught us the first summer after Kindergarten.
:'''T.J.''': ''[remembers]'' Oh, yeah. Back when she was nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Next morning; T.J. pops from behind a bush across the street from the school while his friends are back at camp]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:41 A.M. Gang back at camp. I'm going in alone. ''[runs to the school and looks through the window, then hears voices and crawls into the dumpster to hide, ending up finding Principal Prickly's golf pants]'' Hey. ''[takes out tape recorder]'' 10:43 A.M. I found what appear to be... Principal Prickly's golf pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later that night at the treehouse…]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[examining the pants with a magnifying glass]'' Double-knit polyester. These are Prickly's all right.
:'''Spinelli''': But why would the bald guy wanna pretend to be Principal Prickly?
:'''Vince''': And where's the ''real'' Principal Prickly anyway?
:'''Gretchen''': ''[feels something in the pants' pocket]'' Wait a minute. There's something in here. ''[takes out a folded note and opens it that reads…]'' '''&quot;Help me?&quot;'''
:'''Mikey''': It sounds like a desperate cry for help!
:'''Vince''': Then Principal Prickly must still be in the school.
:'''Gus''': Being held captive!
:'''T.J.''': You know what that means, don't you guys? ''[determined]'' We gotta go in there and save him. ''[he and his friends gear up with weapons and gadgets]'' Bikes?
:'''Vince''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Walkie-talkie?
:'''Gus''': Check.
:'''T.J.''': Rope with pointy thing?
:'''Mikey''': ''[holding the rope with a grappling hook]'' Check.
:'''T.J.''': Good. Then let's go.
:''[They set off to the school on their bikes to start their rescue mission]''
:'''Spinelli''': I still say this is nuts. I mean, breaking ''out'' of the school I understand, but breaking ''in?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[seeing that they've hidden in their old classroom]'' Hey, this is our old room.
:'''Gus''': I hope somebody's feeding the gerbil.
:'''T.J.''': ''[hearing voices talking]'' Shh. I hear something.
:''[They walk around the classroom finding where the voices are coming from]''
:'''Gretchen''': ''[points up to a vent]'' It's coming from up there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The gang crawl through the vent towards the auditorium, following the sound of voices talking; the auditorium is filled with machines, scientists, and guards]''
:'''Spinelli''': Whoa, what is all this stuff?
:'''Gretchen''': Well, against the far wall is what looks to be a plutonium turbine. Closer ahead, you'll absorb a global electrode. To your right is the laser device we saw earlier, and of course, that glowing orb-- an electron pulse generator. Clearly, the nerve center of the system.
:'''T.J.''': ''[quietly]'' Shh! The bad guys are talking.
:'''Lazenby''': But, Dr. Benedict, please.
:'''Benedict''': No, let me make this clear to you, Lazenby. We have a thing called a &quot;window of opportunity&quot;. If we miss the window of opportunity, then the project fails! And if the project fails, then I get very, very '''''ANGRY!'''''
:'''Fenwick''': But they may have a point, sir. It seems the logistical problems are a bit more complicated than Dr. Steinheimer thought!
:'''Steinheimer''': Yes, it would be a lot easier if we could move the laser to a more appropriate location.
:'''Benedict''': This operation will be executed as planned, from right here! Have I made myself clear?!
:'''Lazenby''': But sir--
:'''Benedict''': '''''NO BUTS!''''' It started at Third Street, it is going to ''END'' at Third Street!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vince''': We gotta get out of here!
:'''Mikey''': ''[has the sudden feeling he's about to burp]'' Uh-oh.
:'''T.J.''': What is it?
:'''Mikey''': I got that feeling, T.J.!
:'''Spinelli''': Hot it in, big guy. Hold it in!
:'''Mikey''': I can't! ''[covers his mouth and belches so loud, it echoes throughout the auditorium]''
:'''Fenwick''': ''[hearing that]'' What was that?
:'''Benedict''': Someone had better say, &quot;Excuse me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': Ninjas! Ninjas! Why did they have to be ninjas?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Well, well, well, if it ain't the little snoop!
:'''T.J.''': What?! I ain't no snoop! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) plays the tape recorder; voice on tape] 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still the guarding school. [chuckles nervously]'' Oops.
:'''Kojak (Bald Guy)''': Let's go, snoop. You're in big trouble now.
:'''T.J.''': ''[being dragged]'' Ow! Ow! Hey, watch the jacket, it's cotton! ''[gets thrown into a storage closet and sees Principal Prickly in a chair, with his hands tied behind his back and his mouth taped up]'' Principal Prickly! You're alive! ''[takes the tape off Prickly's mouth]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': Ow! Would you be careful?!
:'''T.J.''': Boy, am I glad to see you, sir? You won't believe what these guys are doing in the auditorium. They got this big laser gun and-- ''[notices him in his golf underwear]'' Whoa, who took your pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop #1''': So you're saying you just escaped from a troop of ninja warriors?
:'''Vince''': That's right!
:'''Cop #2''': And they got a ''giant laser gun'' in the school's auditorium?
:'''Gretchen''': Precisely!
:'''Cop #1''': Which is aimed at the ''moon?''
:'''Mikey''': Thank heavens you understand!
:''[The two cops burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict is interrogating TJ and Principal Prickly in the dungeon]''
:'''Benedict''': Oh, Pete, come on. There's no need to be rude. Not after I instructed my men to take such special care of you.
:'''Prickly''': &quot;Special care&quot;?! That's what you call gagging me, tying me up and taking away my pants?!
:'''Benedict''': Had to, Pete. Otherwise you might run off and betray me, like you did the last time! But, hey, look at the bright side. At least you've got company now.
:'''Prickly''': Let the boy go, Phil. He can't do anything to you.
:'''Benedict''': Same old noble Pete. Always standing up for the rights of children.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised, to Prickly]'' You?
:'''Benedict''': But unfortunately, I can't let anybody go right now. You see, this experimental night school that I'm running is kind of a secret. I'm trying to show that my... adult students can be trained to be capable and productive members of society.
:'''T.J.''': Oh, yeah?! Well, if you're just running a night school, then what's that giant laser gun doing in the auditorium?! ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) forces him down in a chair]''
:'''Benedict''': ''[contemptuously]'' What a rude and badly dressed little boy you are. ''[turns to Prickly]'' You know, you should teach your pupils a little respect for their superiors, Pete. But that would mean that you'd have to know how to teach them ''anything at all,'' wouldn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[threateningly vowing, in flashback]'' You took my chick. You took my job. Well, enjoy it while you can, Petey boy, 'cause you're gonna pay! Somehow, someway, you're gonna pay.
:'''Prickly''': I never saw Phillium again. He quit teaching, went into politics. Eventually became Secretary of Education - until the President fired him for trying to get rid of recess again. Only this time it was nationwide.
:'''T.J.''': So that guy's some weirdo ex-teacher who wants to get rid of recess?
:'''Prickly''': ''[nodding]'' Mm-hmm.
:'''T.J.''': Okay. Now it's personal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[T.J. and Principal Prickly crawl through the vent and enter the office]''
:'''T.J.''': ''[picks up the phone to call for help]'' Dang! The line's dead. Hey, Principal Prickly, what did you do with the walkie-talkie you confiscated from me last week?
:'''Prickly''': Top drawer, on the right. Just look what Phil's done to my office. I had it all nice and clean for the summer.
:'''T.J.''': ''[opens up the right top drawer of the desk and digs through]'' Packs of gum, yo-yos, my old baseball… Hey, I've been looking for this. Ah, here it is, my walkie-talkie. Now all I gotta do is contact the guys and-- ''[sees something shocking on the wall; horrified]'' Oh, no.
:'''Prickly''': What is it, Detweiler? ''[looks up at the wall; shocked]'' I told 'em that guy was a nut.
:'''T.J.''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Hello? Hello, is anybody there?''
:'''Vince''': It's T.J.! T.J., buddy, you okay?
:'''T.J.''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Yeah, I'm fine, and so is Principal Prickly.
:'''Vince''': ''[through walkie-talkie] Principal Prickly? But, how--''
:'''T.J.''': Look, I don't have time to explain, but I think we've figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying… '''''to get rid of summer vacation!'''''
:''[The wall shows a &quot;No Summer Vacation&quot; graffiti]''
:'''Mikey''': '''''NO!!!!!'''''
:'''T.J.''': Guys, guys, don't freak out on me. I got a plan. All we gotta do is… ''[Kojak (Bald Guy) swipes the walkie-talkie out of his hands; chuckles nervously]'' Why, Mr. Bald Guy, what a surprise.
:'''Spinelli''': T.J.! T.J.!
:'''Gretchen''': It's dead!
:'''Mikey''': They must've got him!
:'''Gus''': What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!
:'''Vince''': ''[determined]'' There's only one thing we ''can'' do… We gotta get help.
:''[Around dawn, the five show up in the drive-thru of Floppy Burger to talk to Becky in getting her help]''
:'''Becky''': ''[through speaker box] Bow-wow! Good morning. Welcome to Floppy Burger. May I take your order, please?''
:'''Vince''': Becky, this is Vince.
:'''Becky''': ''Vince? What are you doing here?''
:'''Spinelli''': It's not just Vince. It's me, Gretchen, and everybody. We got a problem!
:'''Becky''': ''Yeah, well, I got a problem too… It's called six dweeby 10-year-olds who won't leave me alone, even when I'm at work. I am a professional! So whatever your little problem is, forget it!''
:'''Gretchen''': But it's about T.J.
:'''Gus''': He's in trouble and he needs your help!
:'''Becky''': ''Well, isn't that nice? After stealing my diary, threatening to put it on the Internet, and making me drive across the state three times, he needs ''my'' help?! Give me one good reason why I should help him. Just one!''
:'''Mikey''': ''[serious]'' 'Cause he's your little brother and he needs you.
:'''Becky''': ''Please pull forward to the second drive-thru window.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at T.J.'s walkie-talkie]'' A confiscated walkie-talkie. Why do you do these things to me, Pete? Do you ''enjoy'' tormenting me? Do you hate me?
:'''Prickly''': I don't hate you, Phil. I just think you're ''insane!''
:'''Benedict''': ''[laughs dryly]'' &quot;Insane&quot;. Well, there you go again, Pete. Insulting me, hurting my feelings, just like thirty years ago. Only this time, Petey, I'm ready. ''[looking out Principal Prickly's office window]'' You see, all those years, no matter how big I got, no matter how successful, I always thought about ''you. [angrily]'' How you ''embarrassed'' me! How you ''humiliated'' me! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, '''''the only woman I ever loved!'''''''
:'''T.J.''': ''[aside, to Prickly]'' That part still grosses me out, sir.
:'''Prickly''': Shh!
:'''Benedict''': But this time, Pete, I'm gonna humiliate ''you.'' This time, I'm gonna prove to the world that you were wrong and I was right!
:'''Prickly''': About what?
:'''Benedict''': About recess! About freedom! About test scores! I found a way to prove my theory. I'm gonna get rid of the biggest recess of 'em all - I am gonna get rid of summer vacation!
:'''T.J.''': ''[enraged]'' You '''''FIEND!'''''
:'''Benedict''': &quot;Fiend&quot;. You try to help people, that's the thanks you've had.
:'''Prickly''': It'll never work, Phil.
:'''Benedict''': Well, actually, Pete, that's where you're wrong. ''[presses a red button on a remote and a holographic globe and moon rise up from the floor]'' You see, all I have to do is modify the moon's orbit ever so slightly... ''[presses red button]'' ...and tide levels on the Eastern Seaboard rise eight feet. Move the moon over here... ''[presses red button]'' ...and the currents that warm California suddenly become ice-cold. Summer, as we know it, will become a thing of the past. And without summer... ''[presses red button, and the globe diagram grows icicles; T.J. and Prickly gasp in horror]'' No summer vacation.
:'''T.J.''': ''[vengefully]'' You'll never get away with this, Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Oh yeah? Well, who's gonna stop me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Benedict locks T.J. and Principal Prickly in a birdcage to keep them from interfering with his plans to destroy summer vacation.]''
:'''T.J.''': Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here!
:'''Prickly''': Calm down, Detweiler. I've got the--
:'''T.J.''': Calm down?! We're locked in a giant birdcage while a madman is out there trying to destroy summer vacation, and you want me to calm down?!
:'''Prickly''': I understand, but I--
:'''T.J.''': How can ''you'' understand?! You're just a grownup! What do YOU know about summer vacation?!
:'''Prickly''': ''[stands and puts his hands akimbo]'' I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiler. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at some time in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding bikes down by the creek, catching polliwogs in a jar, camping out under the stars? Well, you're wrong! ''[pause]'' Some days, I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids on the playground and I think, &quot;They don't know how good they've got it. In a few years, they're all going to be grown-ups like me, and all those good times will be memories for them too&quot;. So go ahead. Put a whoopie-cushion in my chair. Cover my carpet with fake vomit. Make fun of my ''&quot;big, saggy butt&quot;''. But don't you ''ever'' say I don't care about summer vacation, because those memories are the last part of childhood I've got left.
:'''T.J.''': ''[surprised and moved]'' Principal Prickly... I had no idea...
:'''Prickly''': Yeah? Well, now you do. So let's stop messing around. ''[holds up keys]''
:'''T.J.''': Hey! How did you get those keys?
:'''Prickly''': ''[unlocking the cage door]'' Swiped them off Phillium's desk when he wasn't looking. Now come on - we've got a summer vacation to save!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': ''[trying to get all the kids' attention]'' People, people! Just quiet down for a moment!
:'''Vince''': Oh, man, nobody's listening.
:'''Spinelli''': They'll listen to me, once I introduce them to my good friend Madame Fist!
:'''Vince''': Come on, Spinelli. That's your answer for everything.
:'''Spinelli''': Well, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas, sports boy.
:'''Mikey''': Listen to the two of you. You're not helping things at all!
:''[The three start arguing]''
:'''Gus''': ''[yelling]'' '''''QUIET!!!!!''''' ''[Spinelli, Vince, and Mikey all look at him]'' What we need is a leader. A kid with the right training. A  kid who knows strategy and field tactics. A kid who commands respect.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, but where we gonna find a kid like that?
:'''Gus''': Leave that to me.
:'''Gretchen''': ''[whistles and all the kids finally get her attention]'' Please! We have to get organized.
:'''Digger Sam''': Ah, what's the use?
:'''Ashley A.''': Yeah. If what you say is true, all the fun of being a kid is, like, totally ruined anyway.
:'''Upside-Down Girl''': It's like the whole world's been turned right-side up!
:'''Gretchen''': Not necessarily. All we have to do is work together and come up with a plan.
:'''Francis (Hustler Kid)''': Detweiler's the one who always comes up with the plans.
:'''Digger Sam''': Yeah, let's face it, we're doomed!
:'''Spinelli''': That's what you think! Kids of the playground, meet your new commanding officer.
:''[Gus steps out of the bushes, dressed up as a military commander]''
:'''Captain Brad''': Griswald? He couldn't lead a glee club! ''[he and all the other kids laugh]''
:'''Gus''': ''[marches over to him as he stops laughing; sharply]'' You find that funny, Bradley? Well, I'm not here to make jokes. I'm here to make history! So if you wanna laugh, take it somewhere else! But if you wanna save the world, then suck in your gut and stand at attention! ''[Brad does so; to the others]'' Now who's with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Principal Prickly and TJ are dressed as guards]''
:'''Prickly''': You sure this is going to work, Detweiler?
:'''TJ''': Come on, Principal Prickly. Don't you watch old spy movies? This trick is pure gold. ''[they walk up two guards]'' ''[deep voice]'' Uh, Dr. Benedict wanted to speak to us about a very important matter.
:'''Guard #1''': ''[quickly recognizes them]'' Hey, you two aren't guards! 
:'''T.J.''': ''[normal voice; to Prickly, alarmed]'' Run! ''[he and Prickly take off down the hall with the guards in pursuit]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Don't do it, Dr. Benedict!
:'''Benedict''': Don't do it? You think after all this planning, all this work, you can get me to stop just by saying &quot;don't do it&quot;?
:'''Mikey''': What if we add &quot;please&quot;?
:'''Benedict''': You kids just don't get it, do you? Well, let me explain this in a way your uneducated brains will understand. The American public thinks test scores are too low. But if a person, say me, could make test scores go up, why, everybody would feel better. They might even elect that person President of the United States. Now, do you have any idea which countries have the highest test scores?
:'''Gretchen''': Uh, Japan?
:'''Vince''': Germany?
:'''Mikey''': Tierra del Fuego?
:'''Benedict''': '''''CANADA! ICELAND! NORWAY!''''' And why? Because it's ''snowing'' up there all the time! Kids don't waste their summers playing ball, they're inside studying. And that is why I'm getting rid of summer vacation once and for all.
:'''T.J.''': ''[facing him; bravely]'' You got it all wrong, old man! Your plan'll never work! Sure, maybe your crazy laser beam can move the moon, maybe you can even make it snow all summer, maybe you can get rid of long afternoons playing baseball, or sunny days down by the lake, or warm nights camping out under the stars. But that won't stop us! We'll ride out bikes through the snow, we'll play kickball in the slush, we'll camp out in igloos! You may take away summer, but you'll ''never'' take away summer vacation!
:'''Benedict''': Well, I can try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[when Miss Finster drops down from the roof window; surprised]'' Muriel, it's you. You're still a vision of loveliness.
:'''Miss Finster''': Yeah? And you're still a two-bit, recess-hating pretty boy.
:'''Benedict''': That hurt, Muriel. But I'll forgive you if you'll just come back to me.
:'''Miss Finster''': Ha! I'd rather eat playground dirt.
:'''Benedict''': That can be arranged, my dear.
:'''Miss Finster''': Not before I take you down.
:'''Benedict''': Take me down? Yeah, right. You and what army?
:'''Miss Finster''': Me and ''this'' army!
:''[Miss Lemon, Miss Grotke, and the other school faculty drop down]''
:'''Gus''': ''[surprised]'' The teachers!
:'''Benedict''': GET THEM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benedict''': ''[looking at the ruins of the destroyed tractor beam]'' All my plans, my hopes and dreams... ruined. ''[falls on his knees; wailing in defeat]'' &lt;big&gt;'''''RUINED!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[The kids all cheer for victory; Later, he is arrested for his crimes when the cops escort him and Fenwick out of the school]'' Get your hands off the suit, you classless feeb! I am the former Secretary of Education!
:'''Cop #2''': Yeah, yeah. And I'm the former princess of Morocco. Get in the car.
:'''Fenwick''': But, it's all his fault. I was only following orders. I'll turn state's evidence.
:'''Randall''': Geez, what a squealer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Detweiler''': What an exciting summer. T.J. saved the world and Becky made assistant fry chef at Floppy Burger!
:'''Mr. Detweiler''': Come on, Ellie. The reporters want to talk to us about how we raised a hero.
:'''T.J.''': Listen, Becky, I heard about how you saved my life and everything, and, well, here, I think this is yours. ''[takes out her diary, giving it back to her]''
:'''Becky''': My diary? I can't believe it. You realize this means you don't have any leverage over me anymore?
:'''T.J.''': Hey, what can I say? Maybe I'm just growing up.
:'''Becky''': Gee, you're an all right little brother after all. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[last lines]'''
:'''T.J.''': Principal Prickly?
:'''Principal Prickly''': Huh? Oh, it's you, Detweiler. I was just cleaning up this mess Phillium left. Guy always was a packrat. Look at this. Norwegian weather map. From 1956!
:'''T.J.''': Listen, sir. I never really got a chance to thank you for all the stuff you did. Quitting your golf game, telling Benedict to let me go, helping me save the world and junk.
:'''Principal Prickly''': Actually, Detweiler, I'm the one who should be thanking you.
:'''T.J.''': Huh?
:'''Principal Prickly''': You did me a big favor by dragging me into this mess. See, I didn't get into teaching for the promotions, or the pension plans, or so I could get to the golf course by 3:45. I-- I... did it because I wanted to help you kids. And I'd forgotten that. ''[looks at his peace necklace]'' 'Til today.
:''[There is a knock at the window; T.J.'s friends are waiting outside]''
:'''Vince''': Come on, Teej!
:'''Spinelli''': The pond awaits!
:'''T.J.''': I'll be there in a second!
:'''Principal Prickly''': Hey, it's a gorgeous summer day and your pals are waiting. Go have some fun while you can...Teej.
:'''T.J.''': You got it...Pete.
:''[Prickly smiles friendly; T.J. opens window and jumps out and runs with his friends and Prickly puts on his peace necklace as &quot;Let the Sunshine In&quot; by The 5th Dimension plays in the background]''
:'''Principal Prickly''': ''[calling after T.J.]'' But don't forget- come September, you're mine! I haven't forgotten that &quot;saggy butt&quot; comment!
:'''T.J.''': Hey, September is a long way off!
:''[Prickly smiles at T.J. and his friends, and looks at his peace necklace as the camera pans around 3rd Street School, and T.J. and his friends enjoy the rest of summer as the screen fades to black]''

==Cast==
Evil Castle

* [[w:Andrew Lawrence (actor)|Andrew Lawrence]] as Theodore Jasper &quot;T.J.&quot; Detweiller
* [[w:Rickey D'Shon Collins|Rickey D'Shon Collins]] as Vince LaSalle
* [[w:Jason Davis (actor)|Jason Davis]] as Mikey Blumberg (speaking voice)
* [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] as Mikey Blumberg (singing voice)
* [[w:Ashley Johnson|Ashley Johnson]] as Gretchen Grundler
* [[w:Courtland Mead|Courtland Mead]] as Gus Griswold
* [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Segall]] as Ashley Spinelli
* [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Principal Peter Prickly
* [[James Woods]] as Dr. Phillium Benedict
* [[w:Peter MacNicol|Peter MacNicol]] as Fenwick
* [[April Winchell]] as Miss Muriel Finster / Mrs. Detweiller
* [[w:Paul Willson|Paul Willson]] as Mr. Detweiller
* [[w:Melissa Joan Hart|Melissa Joan Hart]] as Becky Detweiller
* [[w:Ryan O'Donohue|Ryan O'Donohue]] as Digger Dave / Randall C. Weems 
* [[w:Allyce Beasley|Allyce Beasley]] as Miss Grotke
* [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Guard #1
* [[w:Tony Jay|Tony Jay]] as Dr. Rosenthal
* [[w:Nicholas Turturro|Nicholas Turturro]] as Cop #1
* [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] as Cop #2
* [[Clancy Brown]] as Bald Guy (a.k.a. Kojak)
* [[w:Robert Stack|Robert Stack]] as Superintendent
* [[w:Erik von Detten|Erik von Detten]] as Erwin Lawson / Captain Brad
* [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Colonel O'Malley

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Recess]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>9 (2009 animated film)</title>
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      <id>3607414</id>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>174.93.114.103</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Scientist */</comment>
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      <text bytes="13747" sha1="jy34nak2c1r66omy4cwq4ipy8atncwj" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:9 (2009 animated film)|9]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009]] American computer-animated sci fi horror adventure feature film based on Shane Acker's Academy Award-nominated [[w:9(2005 film)|2005 short film of the same name]].

:''Directed by [[w:Shane Acker|Shane Acker]]. Screenplay written by Pamela Pettler.''
&lt;center&gt;'''When our world ended, their mission began.''' ([[#taglines|taglines]])&lt;/center&gt;

== The Scientist ==
* We had such potential. Such promise. But we squandered our gifts, our intelligence. Our blind pursuit of technology only sped us quicker to our doom. Our world is ending. But life must go on,

* ''[9 finds and sees the record message]'' Greetings, 9. It had such promise, my Great Machine. It was meant to be an instrument of progress. Of creation. That was the agreement our Chancellor failed to honor. Though the fault is hardly his alone to bear. The Machine was born purely of my intellect. Which I now know...was not enough. My creation was hopelessly flawed and indeed dangerous for it lacked the human soul, and could be easily corrupted by those who controlled it. That is why I'm making each of you. ''['9 finally learns his origins]'' You are all that's left of humanity. You...are all the pieces of my soul. Together, you and this device shall protect the future. Look closely and remember what you see.

==1==
* No! We have rules! ''[8 walks in]'' Our new guest seems confused. ''[to 9]'' Perhaps I can help you achieve some clarity.
* When we woke in this world, it was chaos. Man and machine attacked each other with fire and metal.
* The gas killed everything. I led us here to sanctuary. And here we waited for the war to end. Slowly the world became silent. The only thing that remains now is the beast. So we stay hidden. And we wait for it, too, to sleep.
* Sometimes fear is the appropriate response.
* ''[Last words]'' They've left us nothing. Nothing. Why do we have to right their wrongs? Sometimes, one must be sacrificed.

==2==
* Wait! I'm a friend. 
* Some things in this world are...are better left where they lie. But if you know where to look, these ruins are full of riches.
* ''[to the Cat Beast]'' Here, kitty, kitty. Why don't you finish what you started... with me?
* ''[Last words; trying to stop 9 from unwittingly reactivating the Fabrication Machine]'' Wait! What are you doing?! We don't know what it is!

==5==
* You know, you're just like him. You forget to remember to be scared.
* Help me put it down!
* We'll need a full barrel.

==6==
*Go back to the source

==7==
* I never left. You finally decided to join the fight.
* What? Go back to 1? So he can lock us away while this nightmare awakens? Never.
* Let me try that again.

==9==
* ''[To 7, 4, 3 and 1 about their origins]'' I now know the truth! The Scientist! The Scientist; he's the source! He gave us his soul. We are ''him.''
* ''[To 7 about loss of 2, 5, 6 and 8]'' They all died because of ''me''. I started this and now I need to finish it.

==Dialogue==
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a flashback, 1 describes how the State's never-ending war against another nation saw the introduction of self-piloted war machines. These machines ended up turning on humanity, ending the war with massive artillery barrages of poison gas shells.]''
:'''1''': The gas killed everything. I led us here... to Sanctuary.  Here, we waited for the war to end. Slowly the world become silent. The only thing that remains now... is the beast. So we stay hidden, and we wait for it, too, to sleep.
:'''9''': But where did it come from? Why is it hunting us?
:'''1''': Questions like that are ''pointless''! We need to protect ourselves. Keep ourselves out of danger. Too many of us have already been lost.
:'''9''': But he ''isn't'' lost. ''[1 scoffs and walks away]'' Why aren't you listening to me?
:'''1''': 2 chose his own path! I suggest you avoid making the same mistake. ''[to 5]'' Go to the watchtower, and take our guest with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''5''': This was the first thing we built together.
:'''9''': We can still go after him.
:'''5''': Us? But, he could be anywhere out there.
:'''9''': ''(looks around and gasps) That's where it took him ''[points to the factory]'' Out towards those three tall shapes.
:'''5''': ''[looks into the factory with a telescope]'' Oh, no. We can't, not there. ''[jumps down, reminding 9]'' We have rules.
:'''9''': Why do you listen to 1?
:'''5''': A group must have a leader.
:'''9''': But what if he's wrong? ''[5 looks confused]'' Come with me. I can't do it alone.
:'''5''': I... ''[sighs]'' I... I can't.
:'''9''': But, wouldn't he have come for you?
:'''5''': I... ''[changes his mind]'' Wait. We're going to need a map.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''5''': 2 would be impressed.
:'''9''': We'll find him.
:''[9 and 5 travel to the factory, searching for 2]''
:'''5''': You know, you're just like him. You forget to remember to be scared.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After a figure decapitated the Cat Beast, revealing herself as 7]''
:'''5''': 7?!
:'''2''': I don't believe it! ''[hugs 7]''
:'''5''': You've come back!
:'''7''': I never left. You ''finally'' decided to join the fight.
:'''9''': You dropped this.
:'''7''': Where've you been hiding?
:'''2''': Rusty, hacked-together, shoddy pile of...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After escaping the reawakened Fabrication Machine]''
:'''5''': ''[sobbing for loss of 2]'' I knew we shouldn't have come! Why?![grabs 9 by his shoulders] Why did you do that?!
:'''9''': I didn't know! I'm sorry! I'm sorry...
:'''7''': What were you thinking?
:'''5''': What is it going to do?
:'''7''': I know where we can find answers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The trio entered the library to find answers]''
:'''9''': Is this what it was like?
:'''7''': Keep up!
:''[They meet 3 and 4]''
:'''5''': Oh! They've been here? The whole time?
:'''9''': Twins!
:'''7''': They've been hiding here. Lost in the past. Looking for answers.
:'' [the twins run over to 9, studying him]
:'''9''': Oh!
:''[5 and 7 laugh]''
:'''7''': They're cataloging.
:''[ 4 unzips 9's zipper]
:'''9''': Whoa!
:''[9 smiles shows the twins his staff, 3 unscrews it and starts cataloging it]
:'''7''': We need your help. We awakened something-
:'''9''': No. I awakened something. Something ''terrible''. ''[The twins pages a book to find what has awakened; 9 finds the Fabrication Machine]'' That's it!
:''[The twins shows the trio various floors, finding the Fabrication Machine's origins. 4 plays a record clip]''
:'''''Announcer''''' #1: Today, the Chancellor presented the latest advancement of technological wizardry to the public.
:'''''Ferdinand''''': Comrades, today dawns a new era. Let us praise this new technology. Welcome to the age of the Machine! It will create new machines in its own image! Machines of peace that will usher in a glorious new era of wealth and prosperity for the state!
:''[A newspaper says ''WAR DECLARED!'', showing various scenes of war with walking machines aiding their side's soldiers; later the headline is shown: ''MACHINES TURN AGAINST US!'', and the War Machines are seen killing humans as Humans fight back for survival.]''
:'''''Announcer''''' #2: Residents are advised to pause for a public address.
:'''''Ferdinand''''': Science has turned its sinister hands against us! People of our mighty state, join me in repelling the iron fist of the Machine!
:''[4 ends the record clip]''
:'''9''': But, the thing that woke it. It was round and imprinted with strange shapes. ''[The Twins don't know what he means. 9 draws.]'' The shapes corresponded. It fit perfectly into the Machine. As if it were made for it.
:'''5''': That's what 6 always draws!
:'''9''': 6?
:'''5''': 2 collected his drawings. He's always studying them.
:'''9''': I have to see them.
:'''7''': What? Go back to 1? So, he can lock us away while this nightmare awakens? Never.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the cathedral]''
:'''1''': You awakened ''WHAT''?! You fools! I warned you!
:'''8''': He warned you.
:'''1''': Now, it'll us all in unimaginable peril. And may I ask; did you manage to save 2? Of course not! By following this witless folly, you've endangered everything we work for!
:'''9''': Why was 2 sent out to begin with?!
:'''1''': I sent him to scout.
:'''9''': That doesn't make any sense. You don't send the oldest out to... Look, we need to figure out what's going on.
:'''6''': ''[interrupting; showing his drawings to 9.]'' The source, the source... Go back to the source.
:'''9''': This is it. This is what awakened the Machine. What do you know about this?
: ''[6 tries to answer, but 1 angrily interrupts]''
:'''1''': Ah, You can't be trusted. I won't allow you to endanger us further. Subjugate them!
:'''8''': ''[confused]'' Sub... What?
:'''1''': ''[annoyed]'' You illiterate cretin! Take their belongings!
: ''[8 smiles and takes 6's drawing from him and tries to take 5's backpack]''      
:'''9''': Hey![tries to stop him but gets pushed back] You're nothing but a coward.
: ''[8 smiles and goes to confront him while cracking his knuckles, 9 prepares to fight by raising his staff but 1 clashes his cane with 9's staff before they could fight leading to a intense stare down between the two]
:'''1''': How dare you challenge me?! I, who kept everyone safe, all these years! Ever since you got here, everything has been unraveling! You're a curse!, A fool! Guided by pointless queries!
:'''9''': And you are a blind man, guided by fear!
: ''[9 angrily pulls his staff away]
:''[A shadow darkens the room as something flies by the church window]''
:'''1''': Sometimes, fear... is the appropriate response...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''9''': What? What is it?
:'''6''': The source.
:'''9''': The thing that woke the Machine.
:'''6''': Go back. Go back.
:'''9''': Back to where?
:'''1''': Dark science. What good does this useless rubbish do us? Forget it!
:'''9''': You know something. What do you know?
:'''1''': I know enough to leave their ancient evils to molder. Look what they've left us with. Leave it be, I say! But you, always asking questions. So many pointless questions. Probing, pushing like 2! He always had to know! ''(rips the page off the book)'' Too much!
:'''9''': I was ''right''. You did send him out to die!
:'''1''': He was old! He was WEAK! ''(5 gasps and 7 glares at him)'' Sometimes, one must be sacrificed for the good of many.
:'''7''': YOU COWARD!! ''[pins 1 to the wall with her staff]
:'''9''': 7! (''7 storms off.'')
:'''1''': Your path takes us to catastrophe.
:'''9''': We have to go back.
:'''5''': Back? Where?
:'''9''': To the first room. Where I woke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''After the Seamstress took 7 and 8.'')
:'''9''': We have to go after them!
:'''1''': What? 8? Where- Where's 8?
:'''9''': That thing has them! It's taking them back to the Machine!
:'''1''': Then it's too late. We... We have to get out of here. W-W-We must try to find another safe place.
:'''9''': No more hiding! We're going after them! ''All of us''.
:'''1''': Need I remind you of the outcome of your last heroic venture?
:(''3, 4, 5, 6 and 9 gather at 2's lifeless body and hold a funeral for him'')
:'''9''': I can't let this happen to them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''6''': GO BACK! To the first room! He'll show you! The source!
:(''The Fabrication Machine absorbs 6's soul.)
:'''1''': It must be destroyed.
:'''9''': No. No, we can't! Didn't you hear him? They're trapped inside. We can still save them.
:'''7''': What? How?
:'''9''': We have to find the source. It holds the answer.
:'''7''': We need to destroy it.
:'''9''': But, there's still a chance!
:'''1''': We're out of time.
:'''7''': 9, they're gone.
:'''9''': You're wrong. (''9 leaves to find the source of how to stop the Fabrication Machine.'')
:'''7''': 9...
:'''1''': Let him go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After all the machines are defeated and the factory destroyed, it slowly begins to rain. This has not happened in a very long time.'']
:'''7''': What happens next?
:'''9''': I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* The world is made up of little pieces of things left over, so how do you recombine those in a creative way, to create these characters and creatures? And then we'd take trips out to these junkyards here in LA, and go and get bags and bags of junk, and take them back to the studio and look at them, and use that to inspire us, and find little ideas in that.
:* [[w:Shane Acker|Shane Acker]] in [http://www.denofgeek.us/movies/14995/interview-shane-acker-talks-9 &quot;Interview Shane Acker Talks 9&quot;, by Michael Leader, ''Den of Geek'', Oct 26, 2009]

== Taglines ==
*(1) To Protect Us...
*(2) To Inspire Us...
*(3) To Define Us...
*(4) To Teach Us...
*(5) To Guide Us...
*(6) To Lead Us...
*(7) To Defend Us...
*(8) To Guard Us...
*(9) To Save Us. 
*When our world ended, their mission began.

== Cast ==
* [[Elijah Wood]] - 9
* [[w:Fred Tatasciore|Fred Tatasciore]] - 8 / Radio announcer
* [[w:Jennifer Connelly|Jennifer Connelly]] - 7
* [[w:Crispin Glover|Crispin Glover]] - 6
* [[John C. Reilly]] - 5
* [[Martin Landau]] - 2
* [[w:Christopher Plummer|Christopher Plummer]] - 1
* [[w:Alan Oppenheimer|Alan Oppenheimer]] - The Scientist
* [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]] - The Chancellor

==External links==
{{wikipedia|9 (2009 animated film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0472033|title=9}}

[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:2000s American adult animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American adult animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American adult animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:Apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Animated films about robots]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[km:9 (2009 animated film)]]</text>
      <sha1>jy34nak2c1r66omy4cwq4ipy8atncwj</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Aaron Swartz</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>141373</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607412</id>
      <parentid>3574303</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:01:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added links</comment>
      <origin>3607412</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="25742" sha1="4zl1m19u5by006ek4x8nziverkq7z5l" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Aaron_Swartz_2_at_Boston_Wikipedia_Meetup,_2009-08-18.jpg|thumb|There is no [[justice]] in following unjust [[laws]]. It’s [[time]] to come into the [[light]] and, in the grand tradition of [[civil disobedience]], declare our opposition to this private [[theft]] of public [[culture]].]]
'''[[w:Aaron Swartz|Aaron H. Swartz]]''' ([[8 November]] [[1986]] – [[11 January]] [[2013]]) was an [[American]] computer programmer, writer, political organizer and Internet activist.
Swartz was involved in the development of the web feed format [[w:RSS|RSS]], the website framework [[w:web.py|web.py]], and the social news site [[Reddit]], in which he was an equal partner after a merger with his Infogami company. Swartz also focused on sociology, civic awareness and social activism.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Aaron Swartz Headshot 2007.jpg|thumb|With enough of us, around the [[world]], we’ll not just send a [[strong]] message opposing the privatization of [[knowledge]] — we’ll make it a thing of the past. Will you join us?]]

* '''[[Information]] is [[power]]. But like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves. The world’s entire [[Science|scientific]] and [[Culture|cultural]] heritage, published over centuries in books and journals, is increasingly being digitized and locked up by a handful of private corporations.''' Want to read the papers featuring the most famous results of the sciences? You’ll need to send enormous amounts to publishers like [[w: Reed Elsevier|Reed Elsevier]]. &lt;br&gt; '''There are those struggling to change this.''' The [[w:Open access|Open Access Movement]] has fought valiantly to ensure that scientists do not sign their copyrights away but instead ensure their work is published on the Internet, under terms that allow anyone to access it.
** [http://archive.org/details/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto ''Guerilla Open Access Manifesto'' (July 2008)].

* '''There is no [[justice]] in following unjust [[laws]].''' It’s time to come into the [[light]] and, in the grand tradition of [[civil disobedience]], declare our opposition to this private theft of public culture. &lt;br&gt; We need to take information, wherever it is stored, make our copies and share them with the world. We need to take stuff that's out of copyright and add it to the archive. We need to buy secret databases and put them on the Web. We need to download scientific journals and upload them to file sharing networks. We need to fight for Guerilla Open Access. &lt;br&gt; '''With enough of us, around the world, we’ll not just send a strong message opposing the privatization of knowledge — we’ll make it a thing of the past. Will you join us?'''
** [http://archive.org/details/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto ''Guerilla Open Access Manifesto'' (July 2008)].

=== UTI interview (2004) ===
[[File:Aaron Swartz 2005.jpg|thumb|It is definitely difficult to overcome people’s entrenched [[beliefs]], so I feel that if I only convince people that the other side is a reasonable position to take, even if they themselves don’t take it, then I’ve been a [[success]].]]
:&lt;small&gt; [http://archive.org/details/AaronSwartz20040123UTIInterview UTI interview with Aaron Swartz (23 January 2004)] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''I’m a teenage kid who’s interested in improving the world (mostly through law, politics, and technology).''' &lt;br&gt; This year, I’m going to try to update my weblog daily with interesting thoughts, program some interesting new website software, and work on some website projects that help people better understand what’s going on in American politics.

* I think that most people, when faced with overwhelming facts, will come around. (I know I certainly have.) But it is definitely difficult to overcome people’s entrenched beliefs, so '''I feel that if I only convince people that the other side is a reasonable position to take, even if they themselves don’t take it, then I’ve been a success.''' &lt;br&gt; It is sort of a quixotic task in that sense, but it’s also useful to me by helping clarify my ideas. &lt;br&gt; When you say something particularly controversial on the Web, you’ll get all sorts of people coming at you with arguments. Considering those arguments and seeing if they’re right or, if they’re wrong, why they’re wrong, has been very valuable in clarifying my beliefs (and similarly, I hope my challenges have helped other people clarify ''their'' beliefs).

* '''The law about what is stealing is very clear. Stealing is taking something away from someone so they cannot use it. There’s no way that making a copy of something is stealing under that definition.''' &lt;br&gt; If you make a copy of something, you’ll be prosecuted for copyright infringement or something similar — not larceny (the legal term for stealing). Stealing, like piracy and intellectual property, is another one of those terms cooked up to make us think of intellectual works the same way we think of physical items. But the two are very different. &lt;br&gt; You can’t just punish people because they took away a “potential sale”. Earthquakes take away potential sales, as do libraries and rental stores and negative reviews. Competitors also take away potential sales.

* '''Geeks seem a lot more willing to treat people based on what they can do rather than who they are.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn’t unique to kids, of course. The Internet has an amazingly liberating aspect for everyone from blacks to the blind. So perhaps that’s one reason why I’m especially concerned about draconian proposals for an “Internet Drivers License” or a crackdown on [[anonymity]]. Quite aside from the impracticality and ineffectiveness of these proposals, they could have the effect of tagging who people are, and reintroducing those indicators that the Internet has removed.

* '''On the one hand, I want to be very open about everything, On the other, I heavily defend people’s right to privacy.''' Of course, as you point out, keeping your privacy is hard because if you slip once, it’s out there forever. &lt;br&gt; I’m not sure what to say to people who want to protect their privacy except, be careful when you give out private information and think about where it could end up.

* '''Think deeply about things. Don’t just go along because that’s the way things are or that’s what your friends say. Consider the effects, consider the alternatives, but most importantly, just think.'''

=== Freedom to Connect speech (2012) ===
[[File:AaronSwartzPIPA.jpg|thumb|There’s a [[battle]] going on right [[now]], a battle to [[define]] everything that happens on the [[Internet]] in terms of traditional things that the [[law]] [[understands]].]]
[[File:Aaron Swartz 23c3 day 0.jpg|thumb|The [[people]] rose up, and they caused a [[w:Sea change (transformation)|sea change]] in [[w:Washington, D. C.|Washington]]…]]
[[File:Aaron Swartz - Freedom to Connect conference.jpg|thumb| The [[enemies]] of the [[freedom]] to connect have not disappeared.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fgh2dFngFsg Speech at ''F2C:Freedom to Connect 2012'' event in Washington, D.C. (21 May 2012) video] as transcribed at [http://www.democracynow.org/2013/1/14/freedom_to_connect_aaron_swartz_1986 &quot;Freedom to Connect: Aaron Swartz (1986-2013) on Victory to Save Open Internet, Fight Online Censors&quot; at ''Democracy NOW!'' (14 January 2013)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''There’s a [[battle]] going on right [[now]], a battle to [[define]] everything that happens on the [[Internet]] in terms of traditional things that the [[law]] [[understands]].''' Is sharing a video on [[w:BitTorrent|BitTorrent]] like shoplifting from a movie store? Or is it like loaning a videotape to a friend? Is reloading a webpage over and over again like a peaceful virtual sit-in or a violent smashing of shop windows? Is the [[freedom]] to connect like [[freedom of speech]] or like the freedom to murder? &lt;br&gt; [[w:Stop Online Piracy Act|This bill]] would be a huge, potentially permanent, loss. If we lost the ability to communicate with each other over the Internet, it would be a change to the [[Bill of Rights]]. The freedoms guaranteed in our [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], the freedoms our country had been built on, would be suddenly deleted. '''New technology, instead of bringing us greater freedom, would have snuffed out fundamental rights we had always taken for granted.'''

* '''The people rose up, and they caused a [[w:Sea change (transformation)|sea change]] in Washington''' — not the press, which refused to cover the story — just coincidentally, their parent companies all happened to be lobbying for the bill; not the politicians, who were pretty much unanimously in favor of it; and not the companies, who had all but given up trying to stop it and decided it was inevitable. It was really stopped by the people, the people themselves. They killed the bill dead, so dead that when members of Congress propose something now that even touches the Internet, they have to give a long speech beforehand about how it is definitely not like SOPA; so dead that when you ask congressional staffers about it, they groan and shake their heads like it’s all a bad dream they’re trying really hard to forget; so dead that it’s kind of hard to believe this story, hard to remember how close it all came to actually passing, hard to remember how this could have gone any other way. But it wasn’t a dream or a nightmare; it was all very real. &lt;br&gt; And it will happen again. Sure, it will have yet another name, and maybe a different excuse, and probably do its damage in a different way. But make no mistake: '''The enemies of the freedom to connect have not disappeared.''' The fire in those politicians’ eyes hasn’t been put out. '''There are a lot of people, a lot of powerful people, who want to clamp down on the Internet. And to be honest, there aren’t a whole lot who have a vested interest in protecting it from all of that.''' Even some of the biggest companies, some of the biggest Internet companies, to put it frankly, would benefit from a world in which their little competitors could get censored. '''We can’t let that happen.'''

* '''We won this fight because everyone made themselves the hero of their own story. Everyone took it as their job to save this crucial freedom. They threw themselves into it. They did whatever they could think of to do. They didn’t stop to ask anyone for permission.''' … The senators were right: The Internet really is out of control. But if we forget that, if we let Hollywood rewrite the story so it was just big company [[w:Google|Google]] who stopped the bill, if we let them persuade us we didn’t actually make a difference, if we start seeing it as someone else’s responsibility to do this work and it’s our job just to go home and pop some popcorn and curl up on the couch to watch ''[[Transformers]]'', well, then next time they might just win. '''Let’s not let that happen.'''

== Quotes about Swartz ==
[[File:Anonymous Anarchist Flag.svg|thumb|Aaron Swartz was [[killed]]. Killed because he faced an impossible [[choice]]. Killed because he was forced into playing a [[game]] he could not win — a twisted and distorted perversion of [[justice]] — a game where the only winning move was not to play. ~ [[Anonymous (group)|Anonymous]] ]]
[[File:Aaron Swartz and Lawrence Lessig.jpg|thumb|Somehow, we need to get beyond the “I’m [[right]] so I’m right to [[nuke]] you” [[ethics]] that dominates our [[time]]. ~ [[Lawrence Lessig]] ]]
[[File:Aaron Swartz (6723911369).jpg|thumb|I think that the best legacy that — the best tribute we can pay to Aaron’s legacy is to continue to [[fight]] as hard as we can to make this [[world]] a more [[just]], fairer place. ~ [[w:Taren Stinebrickner-Kauffman|Taren Stinebrickner-Kauffman]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by authors &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Aaron’s commitment to social [[justice]] was profound, and defined his life.''' He was instrumental to the defeat of an Internet censorship bill; he fought for a more democratic, open, and accountable political system; and he helped to create, build, and preserve a dizzying range of scholarly projects that extended the scope and accessibility of human knowledge. He used his prodigious skills as a programmer and technologist not to enrich himself but to make the Internet and the world a fairer, better place. '''His deeply humane writing touched minds and hearts across generations and continents. He earned the friendship of thousands and the respect and support of millions more.''' &lt;br&gt; Aaron’s death is not simply a personal tragedy. It is the product of a criminal justice system rife with intimidation and prosecutorial overreach. Decisions made by officials in the Massachusetts U.S. Attorney’s office and at MIT contributed to his death. The US Attorney’s office pursued an exceptionally harsh array of charges, carrying potentially over 30 years in prison, to punish an alleged crime that had no victims.
** [http://www.rememberaaronsw.com/ Official statement from the family and partner of Aaron Swartz (12 January 2013)].

* '''Aaron, a [[hero]] of the internet and a legend among men, was targeted by a [[corrupt]] [[system]] that sought to make an example out of him.''' He faced a harsher [[punishment]] than murderers, robbers, child pornographers, or even terrorist sympathizers! All for doing nothing more than downloading academic articles.
** ‪Aarons ArkAngel‬, an [[Anonymous (group)|Anonymous]] representative, in [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bAMgFt9z4Q &quot;Aaron Swartz and a depraved Justice System&quot; (25 January 2013) at YouTube].

* '''Two weeks ago today, Aaron Swartz was killed. Killed because he faced an impossible choice. Killed because he was forced into playing a game he could not win — a twisted and distorted perversion of justice — a game where the only winning move was not to play.''' &lt;br&gt; Anonymous immediately convened an emergency council to discuss our response to this tragedy. After much heavy-hearted discussion, the decision was upheld to engage the United States Department of Justice and its associated executive branches in a game of a similar nature, a game in which the only winning move is not to play.
** [[Anonymous (group)|Anonymous]] representative, in a hacktivist [http://zone-h.com/mirror/id/19141502 message announcing Anonymous Operation Last Resort] at the United States Sentencing Commission of the U.S. Department of Justice (25 January 2013) and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaPni5O2YyI Youtube video posted by Aarons ArkAngel].

* '''We’ve lost a [[fighter]]. We’ve lost somebody who put huge [[energy]] into righting wrongs.''' There are people around the world who take it on themselves to just try to fix the world but very few of them do it 24/7 like Aaron. Very few of them are as dedicated. So of the people who are fighting for right, and what he was doing up to the end was fighting for right, we have lost one of our own. … '''We’ve lost a great person.''' But also, we’ve lost somebody who needed to be nurtured, who needed to be protected. I didn’t work with Aaron as closely as many people here, but I got the sense that all who have known him realized that he needed to be protected. He needed to be held carefully in our hands. He needed to be nurtured. '''So nurturers of the world, everyone who tried to make a place safe to work or a home safe to live, anyone who listens to another, looks after another or feeds another, all parents everywhere — we’ve lost a child. And there’s nothing worse than that.'''
** [[Tim Berners-Lee]], in [http://www.rememberaaronsw.com/memories/We-have-lost-a-fighter.html &quot;Remember Aaron Swartz&quot; (18 January 2013)].

* '''Aaron had an unbeatable combination of political insight, technical skill, and intelligence about people and issues. I think he could have revolutionized American (and worldwide) politics. His legacy may still yet do so.''' &lt;br&gt; Somewhere in there, Aaron's recklessness put him right in harm's way. Aaron snuck into MIT and planted a laptop in a utility closet, used it to download a lot of journal articles (many in the public domain), and then snuck in and retrieved it. This sort of thing is pretty par for the course around MIT, and though Aaron wasn't an MIT student, he was a fixture in the Cambridge hacker scene, and associated with Harvard, and generally part of that gang, and Aaron hadn't done anything with the articles (yet), so it seemed likely that it would just fizzle out. &lt;br&gt; Instead, they threw the book at him. Even though MIT and JSTOR (the journal publisher) backed down, the prosecution kept on.
** [[Cory Doctorow]], in [http://boingboing.net/2013/01/12/rip-aaron-swartz.html &quot;RIP, Aaron Swartz&quot; in ''Boing, Boing'' (12 January 2013)].

* '''From the [[beginning]], the [[government]] worked as hard as it could to characterize what Aaron did in the most extreme and [[absurd]] way.''' The “property” Aaron had “stolen,” we were told, was worth “millions of dollars” — with the hint, and then the suggestion, that his aim must have been to [[profit]] from his [[crime]]. But '''anyone who says that there is [[money]] to be made in a stash of ACADEMIC ARTICLES is either an [[idiot]] or a [[Lies|liar]].''' It was clear what this was not, yet our government continued to push as if it had caught the [[September 11 attacks|9/11 terrorists]] red-handed.
** [[Lawrence Lessig]], in [http://lessig.tumblr.com/post/40347463044/prosecutor-as-bully &quot;Prosecutor as bully&quot; at ''Lessig Blog, v2'' (12 January 2013)].

* '''Aaron was always and only working for (at least his conception of) the public good.''' He was brilliant, and funny. A kid genius. '''A [[soul]], a [[conscience]], the source of a question I have asked myself a million times: What would Aaron think?''' That person is gone today, driven to the edge by what a decent society would only call bullying. '''I get wrong. But I also get proportionality. And if you don’t get both, you don’t deserve to have the power of the United States government behind you.''' &lt;br&gt; For remember, we live in a world where the architects of the financial crisis regularly dine at the White House — and where even those brought to “justice” never even have to admit any wrongdoing, let alone be labeled “felons.” &lt;br&gt; In that world, the question this government needs to answer is why it was so necessary that Aaron Swartz be labeled a “felon.” For in the 18 months of negotiations, that was what he was not willing to accept, and so that was the reason he was facing a million dollar trial in April — his wealth bled dry, yet unable to appeal openly to us for the financial help he needed to fund his defense, at least without risking the ire of a district court judge. And so as wrong and misguided and fucking sad as this is, I get how the prospect of this fight, defenseless, made it make sense to this brilliant but troubled boy to end it. &lt;br&gt; Fifty years in jail, charges our government. '''Somehow, we need to get beyond the “I’m right so I’m right to nuke you” ethics that dominates our time.''' That begins with one word: [[Shame]]. &lt;br&gt; One word, and endless tears.
** [[Lawrence Lessig]], in [http://lessig.tumblr.com/post/40347463044/prosecutor-as-bully &quot;Prosecutor as bully&quot; at ''Lessig Blog, v2'' (12 January 2013)].

* '''I received an email from [[w:JSTOR|JSTOR]] four days before Aaron died, from the president of JSTOR, announcing, celebrating that JSTOR was going to release all of these journal articles to anybody around the world who wanted access — exactly what Aaron was fighting for.''' And I didn’t have time to send it to Aaron; I was on — I was traveling. But I looked forward to seeing him again — I had just seen him the week before — and celebrating that this is what had happened. So, all of us think there are a thousand things we could have done, a thousand things we could have done, and we have to do, because Aaron Swartz is now an icon, an ideal. '''He is what we will be fighting for, all of us, for the rest of our lives.'''
** [[Lawrence Lessig]], in [http://www.democracynow.org/2013/1/14/an_incredible_soul_lawrence_lessig_remembers &quot;An Incredible Soul&quot;: Larry Lessig Remembers Aaron Swartz After Cyberactivist’s Suicide Before Trial; Parents Blame Prosecutor&quot; at ''Democracy NOW!'' (14 January 2013)].

* '''Every time you saw Aaron, he was surrounded by five or 10 different people who loved and respected and worked with him. He was depressed because he was increasingly recognizing that the [[idealism]] he brought to this fight maybe wasn’t enough.''' When he saw all of his wealth gone, and he recognized his parents were going to have to mortgage their house so he could afford a lawyer to fight a government that treated him as if he were a 9/11 terrorist, as if what he was doing was threatening the infrastructure of the United States, when he saw that and he recognized how — how incredibly difficult that fight was going to be, of course he was depressed. &lt;br&gt; Now, you know, I’m not a [[psychiatrist]]. I don’t know whether there was something wrong with him because of — you know, beyond the rational reason he had to be depressed, but I don’t — I don’t — I don’t have [[patience]] for people who want to say, &quot;Oh, this was just a [[crazy]] person; this was just a person with a psychological problem who killed himself.&quot; No. This was somebody — this was somebody who was pushed to the edge by what I think of as a kind of bullying by our government. A bullying by our government. And just as we hold people responsible when their bullying leads to tragedy, I hope Carmen Ortiz does what MIT did and … lead an investigation, ask somebody independent to look at what happened here and explain to America: Is this what the United States government is?
** [[Lawrence Lessig]], in [http://www.democracynow.org/2013/1/14/an_incredible_soul_lawrence_lessig_remembers &quot;An Incredible Soul&quot;: Larry Lessig Remembers Aaron Swartz After Cyberactivist’s Suicide Before Trial; Parents Blame Prosecutor&quot; at ''Democracy NOW!'' (14 January 2013)].

* '''I think that the best legacy that — the best tribute we can pay to Aaron’s legacy is to continue to [[fight]] as hard as we can to make this world a more just, fairer place.''' That’s the thing that he cared most about. And I’m going to keep doing that. … I also hope that this can serve as a wake-up call for the broader issues in the criminal justice system. It’s not just this one act. Our system is deeply, deeply unfair. And as I said earlier, millions of people suffer because of it needlessly. And I hope that — you know, in this country, it’s very hard for people to — for politicians to look weak on crime, but that’s not what this is. This is — this is about justice, and nobody should have to face what Aaron faced. And I [[hope]] we can [[help]] [[save]] people in the [[future]].
** [[w:Taren Stinebrickner-Kauffman|Taren Stinebrickner-Kauffman]], life partner of Swartz, and head of SumOfUs.org as quoted in [http://www.democracynow.org/2013/1/17/exclusive_aaron_swartzs_partner_expert_witness &quot;Exclusive: Aaron Swartz’s Partner, Expert Witness Say Prosecutors Unfairly Targeted Dead Activist&quot; at ''Democracy NOW!'' (17 January 2013)].

* Aaron believed that [...] you literally ought to be asking yourself all the time: '''&quot;What is the most important thing I could be working on in the world right now, and if you are not working on that, why aren't you?&quot;'''
** Taren Stinebrickner-Kauffman, in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vz06QO3UkQ#t=1h40m03s ''The Internet's Own Boy'' (20 January 2014)].

== See also ==
* [[Reddit]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
{{wikisource|Author:Aaron Swartz}}
* {{Official website|http://www.aaronsw.com/}}
* [https://twitter.com/aaronsw Twitter Account]
* [https://webactivism.com/power-of-anonymity-how-web-activism-cost-aaron-swartz-his-life/ How Web Activism Cost Aaron Swartz His Life]
* {{Citation |url= http://rememberaaronsw.tumblr.com/post/40372208044/official-statement-from-the-family-and-partner-of-aaron |contribution= Official statement from the family and partner of Aaron Swartz | title= Remember Aaron Swartz | publisher = Tumblr}}.
* {{Citation | url = http://archive.org/details/aaronsw | title = The Aaron Swartz Collection | publisher = The [[Internet Archive]]}}.
*{{IMDb name|2290901}}
* {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fgh2dFngFsg | first = Aaron | last = Swartz | contribution = How we stopped SOPA | type = keynote speech | title = Freedom to Connect Conference | date = May 21, 2012 | format = video}}.
* {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUt5gjqNI1w | first = Aaron | last = Swartz | title = We can change the world | type = interview | month = January | year = 2010 | format = video}}.
* {{Citation | url = http://archive.org/stream/GuerillaOpenAccessManifesto/Goamjuly2008#page/n0/mode/1up | title = Guerilla Open Access Manifesto | publisher= The Internet archive | month = July | year = 2008}}.
*&quot;[//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2013-01-14/Special_report Loss of an Internet genius],&quot; ''The Signpost'', 14 January 2013.

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[[File:Elon Musk in Mission Control at SpaceX.jpg|thumb|&quot;Everything works in PowerPoint; but if you have the physical item or some demonstration software, that's much more convincing to people than a PowerPoint presentation or a business plan.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Elon Musk|Elon Reeve Musk]]''' (born 28 June 1971) is a South African-born entrepreneur and [[w:business magnate|business magnate]] resident in the United States. He is the founder, CEO, and Chief Engineer at [[w:SpaceX|SpaceX]]; early-stage investor, CEO, and Product Architect of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|Tesla, Inc.]]; founder of [[w:The Boring Company|The Boring Company]]; co-founder of [[w:Neuralink|Neuralink]] and [[w:OpenAI|OpenAI]]; president of the [[w:Elon Musk#Musk Foundation|Musk Foundation]]; and owner of [[w:X Corp.|X Corp.]], formerly known as [[w:Twitter, Inc.|Twitter, Inc]]. With an estimated net worth of about US$195 billion as of November 2022, Musk is the wealthiest person in the world according to the [[w:Bloomberg Billionaires Index|Bloomberg billionaires index]] and the ''[[w:Forbes|Forbes]]'' real-time billionaires list.
[[File:SpaceX Demonstration Mission 2 Launch (49963556878).jpg|thumb|I have never been materially active in politics before, but this time I think civilization as we know it is on the line. If we want to preserve freedom and a meritocracy in America, then Trump must win.[https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/1831486742052159886#m ]]]
[[File:SpaceX Crew-2 Crew Suit Up (KSC-20210423-PH-KLS01 0107).jpg|thumb|Trump supports a government efficiency commission to allow great things to be done, Kamala does not,We will never reach Mars if Kamala wins![https://www.politico.eu/article/elon-musk-spacex-republican-debate-us-president-kamala-harris-will-never-reach-mars-donald-trump/ ]]]
[[File:Ftninplwuaady5s-18796494.jpg|thumb|Politicians seem to forget that the money being spent is your money[https://voz.us/en/politics/241018/17325/elon-musk-says-western-civilization-is-at-stake-in-his-first-town-hall-in-pennsylvania.html ]]]

==Quotes==
===2005===
* If things aren't not failing you are not innovating enough. 
** [https://www.fastcompany.com/52065/hondas-space Fast Company, article &quot;Hondas in Space&quot;] (1 February 2005)

===2007===
====''Unsourced''====
* Life is too short for long-term grudges.
====''From articles on Evan Carmichael's website''==== 
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071214142021/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/The-Wired-Entrepreneur-The-Early-Years-of-Elon-Musk.html The Wired Entrepreneur: The Early Years of Elon Musk]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* I didn’t really expect to make any money. If I could make enough to cover the rent and buy some food that would be fine. As it turns out, it turned out to be quite valuable in the end.
* I don’t have an issue with serving in the military per se, but serving in the South African army suppressing black people just didn’t seem like a really good way to spend time.
* I think South Africa is a great country.
* If you wanted to be close to the cutting edge, particularly in technology, you came to North America.
* Tuition costs are outrageous. Fortunately, they gave me a scholarship…so I only had to cover living expenses, books, etc., by working.
* One was the Internet, one was clean energy and one was space.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071214142025/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Zipping-Forward-Musk-Starts-His-First-Company.html Zipping Forward: Musk Starts His First Company]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* I could either watch it happen, or be part of it.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071221055051/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-1-Keep-Your-Operations-Lean-And-Clean.html Lesson #1: Keep Your Operations Lean And Clean]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* We could figure out ways with small aerospace companies to do a low-cost spacecraft and lander. But we could not find a way to do a low-cost launcher, unless we went to the Russians.
* The answer was we thought it could be done.
* There is nothing inherently expensive about rockets. It's just that those who have built and operated them in the past have done so with horrendously poor efficiency.
* Falcon One is going to be the lowest cost per flight to orbit of any production rocket.
* Which means we’re cheaper than the Chinese, cheaper than [the] Russians or anywhere else – and we’re doing it in the United States with American [[labour costs]].
* I think the reason it’s cheaper is, first of all, we are a private entity and we have a very lean system in here. What we have been able to do here at SpaceX is to cherry-pick, you know, the top one or two percent and give them, you know, capital to execute well and a clear mission, which is low cost, reliable access to space, and no other constraints.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080117152716/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-2-Commit-To-Failing-In-A-New-Way.html Lesson #2: Commit To Failing In A New Way]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* Well, I have tried to learn as much as possible from prior attempts. 
* If nothing else, we are committed to failing in a new way.
* There’s a graveyard of prior attempts, a big graveyard. There’s probably some freshly dug graves just waiting to be filled. Our aspiration is to avoid that destination.
* I think we’ve got the risks pretty well characterized. I think we are at least avoiding the mistakes that have been made in the past.
* I think the rocket business is quite cyclic. There are a great many peaks and troughs.
* Imagine creating a huge software program that can only be tested in little pieces on a computer that is slightly different from what it is supposed to run on. However, when you do run it as a whole on the actual computer for the first time, it must run almost flawlessly without a single significant bug. When is the last time you saw a software program do that?
* When thinking about starting a business, I think it’s actually better to start in a trough and come to market in a peak, than the other way around. Frankly, if anything does, and it’s almost cliché, space has a long-term future.
* I want to be able to make sure that we have enough capital to survive at least three consecutive failures. If you want to make a small fortune in the launch vehicle business, start with a large one.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080116043429/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-3-Make-Your-Mission-Your-Holy-Grail.html Lesson #3: Make Your Mission Your Holy Grail]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* The long term ultimate objective – the holy grail – is we would like to help make life multi-planetary.
* We got to the moon, but have never done anything better since. I'm disappointed that we have not made more progress since Apollo. I don't even see a plan that says we're going to do better than Apollo to exceed that goal.
* I like to be involved in things that change the world. The Internet did, and space will probably be more responsible for changing the world than anything else. If humanity can expand beyond the Earth, obviously that's where the future is.
* If we can be one of the companies that makes it possible for humans to become a multi-planetary species, that would be the Holy Grail. It sounds a bit crazy but it's going to happen, and only if people build the means to do so. We're making progress toward a greater philosophical goal while building a sound business.
* When [[Henry Ford]] made cheap, reliable cars people said, &quot;Nah, what's wrong with a horse?&quot; That was a huge bet he made, and it worked.
* It doesn’t do a great deal to advance the goal of humanity. I would pay $20 million not to spend six months in Russia. And besides this, my interest is how do we enable many other people to go to space, not necessarily me, personally.
* If we can build something that is capable of taking people and equipment to Mars, such that it can service a transportation infrastructure for humanity becoming a multi- planet species - which I think is a very, very important objective - then I would consider the mission of SpaceX successful, at that point.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080116110246/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-4-Use-Innovation-To-Break-Through-Your-Limitations.html Lesson #4: Use Innovation To Break Through Your Limitations]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* We are used to things improving every year; we are used to having a better cell phone next year than this year; a better lap top. We are even used to some basic things, like we expect more from your car in next year’s model than last year’s model. But this is not the case in space; reliability and cost - those are the fundamental parameters of transportation - have not improved.
* Starting and growing a business is as much about the innovation, drive and determination of the people who do it as it is about the product they sell.
* So even if a fire develops, it can't really attack the particularly vulnerable locations like the pneumatic system or the avionics or the engine bay. We want to be in the situation that even if a fire develops, the rocket just keeps going.
* A great deal of bargaining power with suppliers. We are never locked in to anyone.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080115030617/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-5-Tap-Into-Todays-Top-Talent.html Lesson #5: Tap Into Today’s Top Talent]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* I think it is a mistake to hire huge numbers of people to get a complicated job done. Numbers will never compensate for talent in getting the right answer (two people who don't know something are no better than one), will tend to slow down progress, and will make the task incredibly expensive.
* My approach is simply to seek out very talented people, ensure that the environment at SpaceX is as motivating &amp; enjoyable as possible and establish clear &amp; measurable objectives.
* [[Systems engineering|Rocket engineering]] is not like ditch digging. With ditch digging you can get 100 people and dig a ditch, and you will dig it a hundred times as faster if you get 100 people versus one. With rockets, you have to solve the problem of a particular level of difficulty; one person who can solve the problem is worth an infinite number of people who can’t.
* I think that is a mistake and results in cloudy judgment on important technical issues. They can't tell if something is really good or not, so they just do what everyone else does, assuming it to be the safe bet.
* We're adding a triple sign-off for all work done on the launch pad, on flight components, and flight critical GSE. You have a technician, a responsible engineer, and then quality assurance will sign the final, record all information, and take photographs of all the work that was done, and then make sure that all information is put into our quality assurance database, which is reviewed prior to launch.
* Although I am new in the business, my team is not. I would say that, person for person, there has never been a better rocket company in existence, in history. I don’t think there has ever been a group this talented in one place, in one company, developing a rocket – ever.
&lt;small&gt;'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080117152711/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/From-PayPal-To-Planetary-Success-How-Musk-Is-Changing-The-World-One-Company-At-A-Time.html From PayPal To Planetary Success: How Musk Is Changing The World One Company At A Time]', 2007.&lt;/small&gt;
* If you have millions of dollars it changes your lifestyle, and anyone who says differently is talking bullshit. I don’t need to work, from a standard of living point of view, but I do, you know. I work every day and on weekends and I haven’t taken a vacation for years.
* This is the chance to fulfill a dream.
* I’m nauseatingly pro-American. It is where great things are possible.
* As life’s agents, it’s on our shoulders.

===2008===
* Sooner or later, we must expand life beyond our little blue mud ball--or go extinct.
** 1 October 2008 [http://www.esquire.com/features/75-most-influential/elon-musk-1008 via Esquire]

===2009===
* The heroes of the books I read, ''The Lord of the Rings'' and the ''Foundation'' series, always felt a duty to save the world.
** 24 August 2009 {{cite web|url = http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/08/24/plugged-in|title = Plugged In: Can Elon Musk lead the way to an electric-car future? | publisher = New Yorker}}

===2012===
* When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor.
** 18 March 2012 ''60 Minutes'', season 44, episode 26

* We need to figure out how to have the things we love, and not destroy the world.
** 26 March 2012 {{cite web|title=Driving With Elon Musk|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSNXhHTLLIk}}

* In terms of the Internet, it's like humanity acquiring a collective nervous system. Whereas previously we were more like a... collection of cells that communicated by diffusion. With the advent of the Internet, it was suddenly like we got a nervous system. It's a hugely impactful thing.
** 26 April 2012 {{cite news|last=Mann|first=Adam|title=Video: Wired’s Interview with SpaceX’s Elon Musk|url=http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/04/elon-musk-hangout/|accessdate=18 August|newspaper=Wired}}

* So, I think the best analogy for rocket engineers, if you want to create complicated software, you can't run as an integrated whole, or run on the computer it's intended to run on, but, first time you run it, it has to run with no bugs. That's the essence of it. So ... we missed the mark there.
** 15 June 2012 [https://web.archive.org/web/20140622185729/https://commencement.caltech.edu/archive/speakers/2012_address 15 June 2012 Caltech Commencement Address]

* I'd rather be optimistic and wrong; than pessimistic and right.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;We have planes, trains, automobiles and boats, ... What if there was a fifth mode?
** 13 July 2012 {{cite news|last=Garber|first=Megan|title=The Real iPod: Elon Musk's Wild Idea for a 'Jetson Tunnel' from S.F. to L.A.|url=http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/07/the-real-ipod-elon-musks-wild-idea-for-a-jetson-tunnel-from-sf-to-la/259825/|accessdate=21 July 2012|newspaper=The Atlantic}} regarding [[Hyperloop]]

* One thing that is important is that, if you have a choice between a lower valuation with someone you really like, or higher valuation with someone you have a question mark about, take the lower valuation. 
** 17 July 2012 during interview with PandoDaily - Fireside Chat With Elon Musk

* I would like to die on Mars; just not on impact.
** 12 September 2012 {{cite news|last=Vance|first=Ashley|title=Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist|url=http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist#p5|accessdate=14 September 2012|newspaper=Bloomberg}}

===2013===
* Since our primary competitors [in space launch] are national governments, the enforceability of patents is questionable.
** 19 March 2013 {{cite web|title=Elon Musk: The mind behind Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity ...|url=http://www.ted.com/talks/elon_musk_the_mind_behind_tesla_spacex_solarcity.html}}

* Even if there's a zombie apocalypse, you'll still be able to travel using the Tesla Supercharging system.
** 30 May 2013 {{cite web|url = http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/tesla-speeds-free-nationwide-charging-network-20-minute-183456360.html|title = Tesla speeds up free nationwide charging network, 20-minute quick repower | publisher = Yahoo!}}

===2014===
====Foreword to Marc Kaufman's ''Mars Up Close''====
:2014 source [https://books.google.com/books/about/Mars_Up_Close.html?id=o6XaCwAAQBAJ ''Mars Up Close: Inside the Curiosity Mission'']. [[w:National Geographic Society|National Geographic]]. ISBN 978-1-4262-1278-9.
* I plan to travel to [[w:Mars|Mars]] and make it my home.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;People should be traveling to Mars and doing it in our lifetime.
** p. 9

* Only by breaking through to new paradigms of space travel will more than a handful of us ever get to Mars and make it a potentially livable place...&lt;br&gt;Getting to Mars is too big an accomplishment for us to feel proud by just by swinging by. We are a nation of enterprise as well as exploration, and we're not about to go there without making something of it.
** p. 10

* Sending large numbers of people to explore and settle Mars in the decades ahead isn't inevitable, but it is entirely possible. The biggest challenge isn't the engineering and spacecraft, however difficult they may be. Instead, it's making sure that a sustained Mars campaign proceeds as a national priority, and that will happen only if the American people are behind it. We have the opportunity now to make this happen. We might not be so fortunate in the future.
** p. 13

===2015===
* Everything works in PowerPoint; but if you have the physical item or some demonstration software, that's much more convincing to people than a PowerPoint presentation or a business plan.
** January 23, 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUuJKC3miLc Colonizing Mars The Future Belongs to SpaceX and Elon Musk]

* First, you're going to have to live in transparent domes, but eventually, you can transform Mars into an Earth-like planet. You can warm it up.
** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html &quot;Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015)
** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: &quot;It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one.&quot;

* [The quick way to warm the planet] '''Drop thermonuclear weapons over the poles.'''
** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html &quot;Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015)
** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: &quot;It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one.&quot;

* I'm trying to do useful things.
** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html &quot;Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars&quot;], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015)
** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: &quot;It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one.&quot;

* They [Apple] have hired people we've fired. We always jokingly call Apple the &quot;Tesla Graveyard.&quot; If you don't make it at Tesla, you go work at Apple. I'm not kidding. ... cars are very complex compared to phones or smartwatches. You can't just go to a supplier like Foxconn and say: Build me a car. But for Apple, the car is the next logical thing to finally offer a significant innovation. A new pencil or a bigger iPad alone were not relevant enough.
** September 25, 2015 [http://global.handelsblatt.com/edition/271/ressort/companies-markets/article/all-charged-up-in-berlin All Charged Up in Berlin] in ''Handelsblatt''

* AI is much more advanced than people realize. ... Humanity's position on this planet depends on its intelligence so if our intelligence is exceeded, it's unlikely that we will remain in charge of the planet.
** 25 October 2015 [http://zdnet.com/article/artificial-intelligence-should-we-be-as-terrified-as-elon-musk-and-bill-gates Artificial intelligence: Should we be as terrified as Elon Musk and Bill Gates?] in ''ZDNet''

===2016===
* SpaceX's got 5,000 people. I get a lot of attention, but they are really doing the work.
** 8 April 2016 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz60GcmKOvc SpaceX Dragon Headed to the ISS] at NASA Post-Launch News Conference

* I think we have a duty to maintain the light of consciousness to make sure it continues into the future.
** 8 March 2016 {{cite web|title=50-innovation-quotes-from-spacex-founder-elon-musk |url=https://www.inc.com/larry-kim/50-innovation-amp;-success-quotes-from-spacex-founder-elon-musk.html}}

* The probability of death is quite high on the first [human] mission [to Mars].
** 27 September 2016 [https://www.popsci.com/elon-musks-master-plan-for-colonizing-mars-gives-us-sci-fi-future-we-crave &quot;Elon Musk's Plan To Colonize Mars Gives Us The Sci-Fi Future We Crave: Now let's see if he can make it reality.&quot;] ''Popular Science'' magazine

* It would be an incredible adventure. And life needs to be more than just solving every day problems. You need to wake up and be excited about the future
** On &quot;eyeing&quot; for Mars, IAC 2016 meeting, presentation on sustainable Mars colonization.

* I can be on my own private island with naked super models, drinking mai tais, but I'm not. I'm in the factory working my ass off, so I don't want to hear about how hard everyone else in the factory works.
** Quoted in &quot;Power Play: Tesla, Elon Musk, and the Bet of the Century&quot; (2021) by Tim Higgins

===2017===
* People are mistaken when they think that technology just automatically improves. It does not automatically improve. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better, and actually it will, I think, by itself degrade, actually. You look at great civilizations like Ancient Egypt, and they were able to make the pyramids, and they forgot how to do that. And then the Romans, they built these incredible aqueducts. They forgot how to do it. 
** 9 May 2017 [http://www.businessinsider.com/brilliant-career-advice-from-elon-musk-2017-5 Career advice from Elon Musk's latest TED interview, in one sentence] at 2017 TED conference

* I think there is a strong humanitarian argument for making life multi-planetary in order to safeguard the existence of humanity in the event that something catastrophic were to happen.
** 3 October 2017 in DK Smithsonian, ''Journey: An Illustrated History of Travel'', ISBN 978-1-4654-6414-9 (Page 343).

* Every person in your company is a vector. Your progress is determined by the sum of all vectors. 
** 16 October 2017 in [https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-elon-musk-taught-me-growing-business-dharmesh-shah/ LinkedIn: What Elon Musk Taught Me About Growing A Business]

* Rocket tech applied to a car opens up revolutionary possibilities.
** 19 November 2017 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/932322853009080320 tweet]

* I love Twitter. How much is it?
** 22 December 2017 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/943902052542849024 tweet] &amp; [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/943901463998169088 tweet]

===2018===
* Holy flying fuck, that thing took off!
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL4dnvBytLA 12 February 2018] reaction to Falcon Heavy Launch

* I don’t get the little ship thing. You can’t show up at Mars in something the size of a rowboat. What if there are Martians? It would be so embarrassing.
** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/965769366422798337 19 February 2018]

* Never saw this British expat guy who lives in Thailand (sus) at any point when we were in the caves. Only people in sight were the Thai navy/army guys, who were great. Thai navy seals escorted us in — total opposite of wanting us to leave. Water level was actually very low &amp; still (not flowing) — you could literally have swum to Cave 5 with no gear, which is obv how the kids got in. If not true, then I challenge this dude to show final rescue video. You know what, don’t bother showing the video. We will make one of the mini-sub/pod going all the way to Cave 5 no problemo. Sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it.
** 15 July 2018 referring to British diver Vern Unsworth, who participated in the [[w:Tham Luang cave rescue#Search and contact|Tham Luang cave rescue]]. As quoted in ''[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/thai-cave-rescue-elon-musk-british-diver-vern-unsworth-twitter-pedo-a8448366.html Elon Musk calls British diver who helped rescue Thai schoolboys 'pedo guy' in Twitter outburst]'' by Eleanor Busby, ''{{w|The Independent}}''.

* I suggest that you call people you know in Thailand, find out what’s actually going on and stop defending child rapists, you fucking asshole.&lt;br&gt;He’s an old, single white guy from England who’s been traveling to or living in Thailand for 30 to 40 years, mostly Pattaya Beach, until moving to Chiang Rai for a child bride who was about 12 years old at the time.&lt;br&gt;As for this alleged threat of a lawsuit, which magically appeared when I raised the issue (nothing was sent or raised beforehand), I fucking hope he sues me.
** 30 August 2018 e-mail to Ryan Mac of BuzzFeed with follow-up commentary about Unsworth, per [https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/ryanmac/elon-musk-thai-cave-rescuer-accusations-buzzfeed-email 4 September 2018 article]
*** [https://twitter.com/RMac18/status/1037411295224623104 this tweet] from Ryan Mac has Mac claim &quot;I did not agree to go off the record, and he never asked.&quot; however the screenshot of the e-mail shows that Musk precedes this private e-mail to him with &quot;Off the record&quot;

* Off the record. We haven't had a conversation at all. I sent you an off the record email, which very clearly and unambiguously said &quot;off the record&quot;. If you want to publish off the record comments and destroy your journalistic credibility, that's up to you. As for answering more questons, I would be happy to do so, but not with someone who just told me that they will not honor accepted rules of journalism.
** 4 September 2018 [https://twitter.com/RMac18/status/1037412604724039683 retort] to [[Ryan Mac]]

* People tend to think like, 'Why should electric vehicles have a subsidy,' but they're not taking into account that all fossil fuel-burning vehicles fundamentally are subsidized by the cost—the environmental cost—to Earth, but nobody's paying for it... We are going to pay for it, obviously—in the future we'll pay for it. It's just not paid for now.
** 6 September 2018 interview with [[Joe Rogan]]

* if you assume any rate of improvement at all, then games will be indistinguishable from reality&lt;br&gt;we could be in base reality&lt;br&gt;this is just about [[probability]]&lt;br&gt;there are many, many simulations&lt;br&gt;you might as well call them reality, or [[multiverse]]&lt;br&gt;they're running on the substrate ... that substrate is probably boring
** 7 September 2018 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycPr5-27vSI discussing simulation theory on #1169] of [[Joe Rogan]] Experience

* Guardian is the most insufferable newspaper on planet Earth.
** 7 September 2018 [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/07/tesla-chief-elon-musk-smokes-marijuana-on-live-web-show e-mail to Guardian], possibly repeated later on a [[Joe Rogan]] podcast

* I don't think most people, even in the aerospace industry, like, know what question to ask. Like it took us a long time to even frame the question correctly.  But once we could frame the question correctly, the answer was, I wouldn't say easy, but, '''the answer flowed once the question could be framed with precision'''. Framing that question with precision was very difficult.
** 17 September 2018 regarding the BFR, during announcement of first private passenger on lunar mission

* im actually cat girl here’s selfie rn
** 25 October 2018 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1055653541317042177 tweet]

* [Artificial intelligence] is just digital intelligence. And as the algorithms and the hardware improve, that digital intelligence will exceed biological intelligence by a substantial margin. It's obvious. Ensuring that the advent of AI is good, or at least we try to make it good, seems like a smart move.  '''We're not paying attention. We worry more about what name somebody called someone else, than whether AI will destroy humanity. That's insane.  We're like children in a playground.''' ... The way in which a regulation is put in place is slow and linear.  If you have a linear response to an exponential threat, it's quite likely the exponential threat will win.  That, in a nutshell, is the issue.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;Your probability of dying on Mars is much higher than earth. Really, the ad for going to Mars would be like [[Ernest Shackleton#Misattributed|Shackleton’s ad]] for going to the Antarctic: '''&quot;It’s gonna be hard. There’s a good chance of death, going in a little can through deep space.  You might land successfully.  Once you land successfully, you’ll be working nonstop to build the base. So, you know, not much time for leisure. And even after doing all this, it’s a very harsh environment, so there’s a good chance you die there. We think you can come back, but we’re not sure.&quot;''' Now, does that sound like an escape hatch for rich people?&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;No one should put this many hours into work.  This is not good.  People should not work this hard.  They should not do this.  This is very painful.  ...it hurts my brain and my heart.  ... This is not recommended for anyone.  ...  I just did it because if I didn't do it, then there was a good chance Tesla would die.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I believe there’s some explanation for this universe, which you might call God.
** 25 November 2018 ''Axios'', season 1, episode 4

===2019===
* The fundamental message that consumers should be taking today is that it's financially insane to buy anything other than a Tesla.  It would be like owning a horse in three years. I mean, fine if you want to own a horse. But you should go into it with that expectation. If you buy a car that does not have the hardware for full self-driving, it is like buying a horse.  And the only car that has the hardware for full self-driving is a Tesla.
** 22 April 2019 during the Tesla Autonomy Investor Day, at Tesla Headquarters in Palo Alto, CA

* It’s so insane the way rockets work today. It would be like if you got a plane and the way you get to your destination is you bail out with a parachute over the city in question and your plane crash lands somewhere. That’s how rockets work today—with the exception of Falcon 9. This is completely bonkers.&lt;br&gt;..If it were to take longer to convince NASA and the authorities that we can do it versus just doing it, then [SpaceX] might just do it [ourselves]. It may literally be easier to just land Starship on the moon than try to convince NASA that we can.
** 12 July 2019 in [https://time.com/5628572/elon-musk-moon-landing/ ''Time'' magazine article]

*'''Nuke Mars!'''&lt;br&gt;T-shirt soon.
** 15 August 2019 tweets, as cited in [https://www.space.com/elon-musk-nuke-mars-terraforming.html &quot;Elon Musk Floats 'Nuke Mars' Idea Again (He Has T-Shirts)&quot;], ''Space.com'' (August 17, 2019)

* Nuke Mars refers to a continuous stream of very low fallout nuclear fusion explosions above the atmosphere to create artificial suns. Much like our sun, this would not cause Mars to become radioactive.&lt;br&gt;Not risky imo &amp; can be adjusted/improved real-time. Essentially need to figure out most effective way to convert mass to energy, as Mars is slightly too far from this solar system's fusion reactor (the sun).
** 20 August 2019 tweet as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/nuke-mars-elon-musk-seems-serious-about-plan-terraform-red-ncna1045181 &quot;Nuke Mars? Elon Musk seems serious about plan to terraform the red planet&quot;], ''NBC News'' (August 22, 2019, reprinted from Space.com)

* No, just like [Unsworth] didn’t clarify he wanted to sodomize me with a submarine. I didn’t think it required clarification, I think that would have been worse. If you called someone a motherf’er I don’t think you would have to clarify you don’t actually commit incest. It would sound disingenuous.
** 3 December 2019 per [https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/03/media/elon-musk-testifies/index.html CNN article] exploring lawsuit from Vernon Unsworth

====&quot;Starship Update&quot; talk at the SpaceX facility in Boca Chica, Texas on September 28, 2019==== 
* According to the geological records, earth has been around for around 4.5 billion years, although it was mostly molten magma for about half a billion years...  The sun is gradually getting hotter and bigger, and over time, even in the absence of global warming — the man-made stuff — the sun will expand and it will overheat the earth.  My guess is probably... there is only several hundred million years left....  '''Basically, if it took an extra 10% longer for conscious life to evolve on earth, it wouldn't evolve at all, because it would have been incinerated by the sun.''' ... '''It appears that consciousness is a very rare and precious thing, and we should take whatever steps we can to preserve the light of consciousness''', and the window has been open; only now after four and a half billion years is that window open, that's a long time to wait ... I'm pretty optimistic by nature, but there's some chance that window will not be open for long, I think we should become a multi-planet civilization while that window is open, and if we do the I think probable outcome for Earth is even better, because then you know Mars could help Earth one day. And so I think we should really do our very best to become a multi-planet species and to extend consciousness beyond Earth, and we should do it now. Thank you.
** https://youtube.com/watch?v=sOpMrVnjYeY&amp;t=2303

* I have this mantra.  It's called, '''&quot;If a schedule is long, it's wrong.  If it's tight, it's right.&quot;'''  And I've just, basically just go recursive improvement on schedule, with feedback loop.  &quot;Did this make it go faster? OK.  If it didn't, we're going to need to fix it.&quot;  '''If the design takes a long time to build, it's the wrong design.'''  This is the fundamental thing.  Over and over, the tendency is to complicate things.  And I have another thing which is, '''the best part is no part.  The best process is no process.  It weighs nothing, costs nothing, can't go wrong.'''  So, as obvious as that sounds, the best part is no part.  The thing I'm most impressed with, when I have the design meetings at SpaceX, is &quot;What did you undesign?&quot;  '''Undesigning is the best thing.  Just delete it.  That's the best thing.'''
** During Q&amp;A at the &quot;Starship Update&quot; presentation, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOpMrVnjYeY&amp;t=4807

===2020===
* If somebody wants to stay in their house, that’s great. They should be allowed to stay in their house, and they should not be compelled to leave. But to say that they cannot leave their house, and they will be arrested if they do, this is fascist. This is not democratic. This is not freedom.
** 30 April 2020 quote by Susan Walsh, “Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg Aren’t on the Same Page,” ''New York Times''

* This notion though, that you can just sort of send checks out to everybody and things will be fine is not true, obviously. Some have this absurd view that the economy is like some magic horn of plenty… that just makes stuff. There’s a magic horn of plenty, and the goods and services, they just come from this magic horn of plenty. And then if somebody has more stuff than somebody else, it’s because they took more from this magic horn of plenty. Now let me just break it to the fools out there: If you don’t make stuff, there’s no stuff.  If you don’t make the food, if you don’t process the food, if you don’t transport the food, medical treatment, getting your teeth fixed, there’s no stuff. We’ve become detached from reality. You can’t just legislate money and solve these things. If you don’t make stuff, there is no stuff.
** 7 May 2020 on [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-rogan-elon-musk-podcast-transcript-may-7-2020 podcast] with Joe Rogan

* We must pass the great filter!
** 21 June 2020 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1274614961151414273 tweet] and [https://techstartups.com/2020/06/21/elon-musk-we-must-pass-the-great-filter-social-media-is-a-limbic-amplifier-which-inherently-destabilizes-civilization TechFilter]

* We [the United States] will coup whoever we want! Deal with it.
** 24 July 2020 [https://web.archive.org/web/20200725105419/https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1286866843307737088 tweet (archived)]

* The extreme difficulty of scaling production of new technology is not well understood. It’s 1000% to 10,000% harder than making a few prototypes. The machine that makes the machine is vastly harder than the machine itself.
** 21 September 2020 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1308284091142266881 tweet]

===2021===
* All designs are wrong, it's just a matter of how wrong.
** Said while giving tour of Starbase to [[w:Tim Dodd|Tim Dodd]] (July 30, 2021), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t705r8ICkRw

*Possibly, the most common error of a smart engineer is to optimize something that should not exist.
**Said while giving tour of Starbase to Tim Dodd (July 30, 2021), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t705r8ICkRw

* If WFP can describe on this Twitter thread exactly how $6B will solve world hunger, I will sell Tesla stock right now and do it.&lt;br&gt;But it must be open source accounting, so the public sees precisely how the money is spent.
** 31 October 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1454808104256737289 9:50am reply by Elon] to [https://twitter.com/DrEliDavid/status/1454475769200185349 30 October 2021 tweet] by [[Eli David]] regarding the United Nations' World Food Program, reported [https://www.rebelnews.com/elon_musk_calls_out_un_director_bluff_that_his_wealth_could_solve_world_hunger 1 November 2021 by RebelNews]
*** Eli was responding to a 26 October 2021 in response article by Eoin McSweeney and Adam Pourahmadi of CNN Business. It was originally titled [https://archive.md/uOM6k &quot;2% of Elon Musk's wealth could solve world hunger&quot;] but the title was amended to [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/26/economy/musk-world-hunger-wfp-intl/index.html &quot;2% of Elon Musk's wealth could help solve world hunger&quot;] (adding &quot;help&quot;)
**** McSceeney and Pourahmadi are referencing David Beasley's interview on CNN's Connect the World with Becky Anderson

* What happened here?
** October 31, 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1454930023966773249 9:55pm reply] to [[David Beasley]]
*** Musk included in this tweet a link to [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp an 18 December 2015 article by Jonathan Bucks of Express]

* Bernie is a taker, not a maker
** November 14, 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1460051518124699650 tweet] about [[Bernie Sanders]]

* For those wondering, I will pay over $11 billion in taxes this year.
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/siladityaray/2021/12/20/elon-musk-claims-he-will-pay-more-than-11-billion-in-taxes-this-year/?sh=25a1d7724675  “Elon Musk Claims He Will Pay More Than $11 Billion In Taxes This Year.”] Forbes, Siladitya, (December 20, 2021) [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1472754632325795843?lang=en tweet on Dec. 19, 2021]

* &quot;I find history fascinating. There's a lot of incredible things that have been done, good and bad, that they help you understand the nature of civilization and individuals.&quot;
** [https://deepcast.fm/episode/1696/252-elon-musk-spacex-mars-tesla-autopilot-self-driving-robotics-and-ai#quotes/ &quot;#252 - Elon Musk: SpaceX, Mars, Tesla Autopilot, Self-Driving, Robotics, and AI&quot;, on Lex Fridman Podcast, found on DeepCast] (28 December 2021)

* &quot;We need to expand the scope and scale of consciousness so that we're better able to understand the nature of the universe and understand the meaning of life.&quot;
** [https://deepcast.fm/episode/1696/252-elon-musk-spacex-mars-tesla-autopilot-self-driving-robotics-and-ai#quotes/ &quot;#252 - Elon Musk: SpaceX, Mars, Tesla Autopilot, Self-Driving, Robotics, and AI&quot;, on Lex Fridman Podcast, found on DeepCast] (28 December 2021)

===2022===
* If you scare people enough, they will demand removal of freedom. This is the path to tyranny. 
** Tweet (January. 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/elon-musk-joe-biden-covid-b2002867.html &quot;Musk calls Biden a 'damp sock puppet' and rants about Covid-19 restrictions: 'This is the path to tyranny'&quot;] ''The Independent'' (London, January 28, 2022)
** Response to the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID-19 pandemic]].

* I don't think we should try to have people live for a really long time. That it would cause asphyxiation of society because the truth is, most people don't change their mind. They just die. So if they don't die, we will be stuck with old ideas and society wouldn't advance.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-interview-axel-springer-tesla-war-in-ukraine-2022-3 &quot;Musk Discusses War in Ukraine and Importance of Nuclear Power&quot;], ''[[w:Business Insider]]'' (March 26, 2022)

* I'm talking about not having kids in the first place. That's the problem.
** Tweet (April 3, 2022), cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2022/07/elon-musk-tries-to-populate-mars-himself.html &quot;Is Elon Musk Trying to Populate Mars Himself?&quot;] ''New York'' magazine (July 7, 2022).
** The total population of the world is now 8 billion.

* A good sign as to whether there is free speech is, &quot;Is someone you don't like allowed to say something you don't like?&quot;
** [https://www.ted.com/talks/elon_musk_elon_musk_talks_twitter_tesla_and_how_his_brain_works_live_at_ted2022 &quot;Elon Musk talks Twitter, Tesla and how his brain works&quot;], TED2022 (April 14, 2022; at 19:39)

* This is not a way to make money.... I don't care about the economics at all.
** [https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-1.6419523 &quot;Elon Musk launches hostile bid for [[Twitter]] claiming free-speech concerns&quot;], ''CBC'' (April 14, 2022)

* This is just my strong, intuitive sense ... that having a public platform that is maximally trusted and broadly inclusive is extremely important to the future of civilization
** [https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-1.6419523 &quot;Elon Musk launches hostile bid for [[Twitter]] claiming free-speech concerns&quot;], ''CBC'' (April 14, 2022)

* Do you still have a half billion dollar short position against Tesla?&lt;br /&gt;Sorry, but I cannot take your philanthropy on climate change seriously when you have a massive short position against Tesla, the company doing the most to solve climate change.
** April 22, 2022 reply to [[Bill Gates]] per [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-turned-down-bill-gates-philanthropy-over-tesla-short-2022-4 Business Insider article]

* NBC basically saying Republicans are Nazis … Same org that covered up Hunter Biden laptop story, had Harvey Weinstein story early &amp; killed it &amp; built Matt Lauer his rape office. Lovely people.
** May 2, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1521181798067224578 tweet]

* Apple's store is like having a 30% tax on the Internet. Definitely not ok. Literally 10 times higher than it should be.
** [http://macrumors.com/2022/05/03/elon-musk-criticizes-app-store-fees Elon Musk Says Apple's 30% App Store Fee is 'Literally 10 Times Higher Than It Should Be'] in ''MacRumors'' (3 May 2022).

* A collapsing birth rate is the biggest danger civilization faces by far. Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis.
** Tweet (&lt;!-- posted on Thursday --&gt;July 7, 2022), as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2022/07/07/elon-musk-reportedly-welcomed-twins-secret-last-year-one-top/ &quot;Elon Musk says he is 'doing his bit to help underpopulation' after fathering twins with executive&quot;] ''The Telegraph'' (July 7, 2022)
** Tweet followed the birth of twins taking his reported number of children to 9.

* Population of Mars is still zero people!
** Tweet (July 7, 2022), cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2022/07/elon-musk-tries-to-populate-mars-himself.html &quot;Is Elon Musk Trying to Populate Mars Himself?&quot;] ''New York'' magazine (July 7, 2022)

* Let’s try this then: the will of the people who live in the Donbas &amp; Crimea should decide whether they’re part of Russia or Ukraine
** October 3, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1576994262226702336 poll on Twitter] - the voting options were 'yes' and 'no'

* You are assuming that I wish to be popular. I don't care. I do care that millions of people may die needlessly for an essentially identical outcome.&lt;br /&gt;Russia is doing partial mobilization. They go to full war mobilization if Crimea is at risk. Death on both sides will be devastating.&lt;br /&gt;Russia has &gt;3 times population of Ukraine, so victory for Ukraine is unlikely in total war. If you care about the people of Ukraine, seek peace.
** October 3, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1576998577758666752 tweet]

* I still very much support Ukraine, but am convinced that massive escalation of the war will cause great harm to Ukraine and possibly the world.
** (October 3, 2022; 7:47pm) [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1577083012914651142 tweet]

* I play the fool on Twitter and often shoot myself in the foot and cause myself all sorts of trouble . . . I don't know, I find it vaguely therapeutic to express myself on Twitter. It's a way to get messages out to the public.
** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years.

* Something will happen to Earth eventually, it’s just a question of time. Eventually the sun will expand and destroy all life on Earth, so we do need to move at some point, or at least be a multi-planet species. [...] You have to ask the question: do we want to be a space-flying civilisation and a multi-planet species or not? [...] It's a question of what percentage of resources should we devote to such an endeavour? I think if you say 1 per cent of resources, that's probably a reasonable amount.
** Interview comments cited in the [https://www.ft.com/content/5ef14997-982e-4f03-8548-b5d67202623a &quot;Elon Musk: 'Aren’t you entertained?'&quot;], ''Financial Times'' (October 7, 2022)
** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years.

* I'm subject to literally a million laws and regulations and I obey almost 99.99 per cent of them. It's only when I think the law is contrary to the interest of the people that I have an issue.
** Interview comments cited in the [https://www.ft.com/content/5ef14997-982e-4f03-8548-b5d67202623a &quot;Elon Musk: 'Aren’t you entertained?'&quot;], ''Financial Times'' (October 7, 2022)
** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years.

* I have spoken to [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] only once and that was about 18 months ago. The subject matter was space.
** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1579879154463690752 Tweet] (October 11, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/oct/11/elon-musk-denies-report-he-spoke-to-putin-about-use-of-nuclear-weapons &quot;Elon Musk denies report he spoke to Putin about use of nuclear weapons&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (October 11, 2022)
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/10/11/business/elon-musk-ian-bremmer-putin-ukraine-intl-hnk/index.html It had been claimed Musk had spoken to Putin recently about Musk's peace plan] which would have meant Ukraine accepting neutrality and Crimea being part of Russia, also stated objectives of the Russian government.

* I see a path for Tesla to be worth more than Apple and Saudi Aramco combined.
** [http://appleinsider.com/articles/22/10/19/elon-musk-again-claims-one-day-tesla-will-get-bigger-than-apple-is-today Elon Musk again claims one day Tesla will get bigger than Apple is today] in ''AppleInsider'' (20 October 2022).

* The reason I acquired Twitter is because it is important to the future of civilization to have a common digital town square, where a wide range of beliefs can be debated in a healthy manner, without resorting to violence. There is currently great danger that social media will splinter into far right-wing and far left wing echo chambers that generate more hate and divide our society... That is why I bought Twitter. I didn't do it because it would be easy. I didn't do it to make more money. I did it to try to help humanity, whom I love ... That said, Twitter obviously cannot become a free-for-all hellscape where anything can be said with no consequences!
** October 27, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1585619322239561728 tweet]

* There is a tiny possibility there might be more to this story than meets the eye,
** 29 October 2022 response to [[Hilary Clinton]] regarding the [[Paul Pelosi]] attack, attested to [https://www.axios.com/2022/10/30/elon-musk-paul-pelosi-tweet-rumor October 30th by Axios], Elon linked to [https://www.smobserved.com/story/2022/10/29/news/the-awful-truth-paul-pelosi-was-drunk-again-and-in-a-dispute-with-a-male-prostitute-early-friday-morning/7191.html this October 29th story] by the Santa Monica Observer. Elon deleted the tweet later that day, after news coverage like [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/elon-musk-paul-pelosi-attack-hillary-clinton-b2213757.html Rachel Sharp of The Independent], and apologized on January 28, 2023, after video of the incident was released to the public. [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1619415871902056449?cxt=HHwWgoDQxfmJqfksAAAA tweet]

* Regarding Twitter’s reduction in force, unfortunately there is no choice when the company is losing over $4M/day.
** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1588671155766194176 tweet] via[[Twitter]] (November 4, 2022)

* We do
** November 7, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1589613451839942657 tweet] in response to [[Tom Fitton]] saying &quot;I wonder if @ElonMusk's @Twitter has tortious interference claims against the Left activist groups which are causing damaging advertiser boycotts of the platform?&quot;

* To independent-minded voters: Shared power curbs the worst excesses of both parties, therefore I recommend voting for a Republican Congress, given that the Presidency is Democratic.
** November 7, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1589639376186724354 tweet]

* And lead us not into temptation …
** November 20, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1594500655724609536 tweet] accompanying an image of a praying man captioned [[Donald Trump]] ignoring a woman censored by a Twitter logo

* I wonder what Earth will be like 88 million years from now
** November 26, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1596439328338890752 tweet]

* So city of [[SF]] attacks [[companies]] providing beds for tired employees instead of making sure [[kids]] are safe from [[fentanyl]]. Where are your priorities
** December 7, 2022 quoted in  [https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-12-07/san-francisco-investigating-allegation-that-twitter-converted-office-space-to-beds-for-workers  San Francisco investigating allegation that Twitter converted office space to bedrooms for workers] by Noah Goldberg

* The Twitter Files on free speech suppression soon to be published on Twitter itself. The public deserves to know what really happened.
** December 8, 2022 [https://gizmodo.com/elon-musk-wikipedia-twitter-twitter-files-1849869127 &quot;Wikipedia Founder Indirectly Tells Elon Musk the Site 'Is Not for Sale'&quot;] by Nikki Main

* Forcing your pronouns upon others when they didn’t ask, and implicitly ostracizing those who don’t, is neither good nor kind to anyone.&lt;br&gt;As for Fauci, he lied to Congress and funded gain-of-function research that killed millions of people. Not awesome imo.
** December 11, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1602113254360162304 tweet]

* Is there a conspiracy theory about Twitter that didn’t turn out to be true? So far they’ve all turned out to be true — if not more true than people thought.
** [https://rumble.com/v22cxba-elon-musk-on-how-much-more-twitter-files-there-will-be.html “All-In” podcast], theme of show, “all things” with Chamath Palihapitiva, co-host (December 27, 2022)

===2023===
* The media is racist. For a *very* long time, US media was racist against non-white people, now they're racist against whites &amp; Asians.&lt;br /&gt;Same thing happened with elite colleges &amp; high schools in America.&lt;br /&gt;Maybe they can try not being racist.
** February 26, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1629764614870167552 tweet] about comments by cartoonist [[Scott Adams]] (26 February 2023), cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-64790657 article] ''BBC News'' (February 27, 2023)

* Better to talk to people than communicate via tweet.
** March 8, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1633240643727138824 tweet]

* Best way to fight misinformation is to respond with accurate information, not censorship
** March 16, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1636453969491836930 tweet]

* Blooper reel must be amazing.
** March 26, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1640170427271069699 tweet] referencing [[King Kong]]

* Any parent or doctor who sterilizes a child before they are a consenting adult should go to prison for life
** April 14, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1646824088940232704 tweet]

* Now you can still satisfy the [[w:Limbic system|limbic]] instinct but not procreate. So we haven't yet evolved to deal with that because this is all fairly recent in the last 50 years or so before birth control.
* I'm sort of worried that hey, civilization, if we don't make enough people to at least sustain our numbers, perhaps increase a little bit, then civilization's going to crumble.
** On ''Tucker Carlson Tonight'' (April 18, 2023), cited in [https://www.salon.com/2023/04/19/elon-musk-tucker-carlson-twitter-birth-control-democracy/ &quot;Elon Musk and &quot;Tucker Carlson Tonight&quot;: A distracting match made in misinformation paradise&quot;] ''Salon'' (April 19, 2023)

* You assume they are good intentions. They are not. He wants to erode the very fabric of civilization. [[George Soros|Soros]] hates humanity.
** Tweet (15 May 2023), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/05/16/business/elon-musk-george-soros/index.html &quot;Elon Musk claims George Soros 'hates humanity.' The ADL says Musk's attacks 'will embolden extremists'&quot;] ''CNN'' (May 16, 2023)
** In an earlier tweet, Musk had compared [[George Soros]], a Jewish Holocaust survivor, to [[w:X-Men|X-Men]] criminal [[w:Magneto (Marvel Comics)|Magneto]], a Marvel comic book survivor of the Holocaust.

* I'll say what I want to say, and if the consequence of that is losing money, so be it.
** Interview on CNBC (May 16, 2023) as cited in [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-misquotes-princess-bride-tweets-conspiracy-theories-lose-money-2023-5 &quot;Elon Musk misquoted 'The Princess Bride' when asked why he keeps tweeting political opinions and antisemitic conspiracy theories: 'If we lose money, so be it'&quot;] ''Insider'' (17 May 2023)
** In response to criticism over his tweets about George Soros

* If you were unfairly treated by your employer due to posting or liking something on this platform, we will fund your legal bill. No limit.
** https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1688022163574439937

* I support Russell Brand. That man is not evil.
** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-supporters-elon-musk-andrew-tate-nqd2hk6nq &quot;The backers of Russell Brand claim ‘agenda’ lies behind allegations&quot;], ''The Times'' (London, September 18, 2023)

* [the media] don’t like the competition.
** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-supporters-elon-musk-andrew-tate-nqd2hk6nq &quot;The backers of Russell Brand claim ‘agenda’ lies behind allegations&quot;], ''The Times'' (London, September 18, 2023)

* History is written by the victors. Well, yes, but not if your enemies are still alive and have a lot of time on their hands to edit [[Wikipedia]].
** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://twitter.com/KanekoaTheGreat/status/1703911656156430785] (September 19, 2023)

* Have you ever wondered why the [[Wikimedia Foundation]] wants so much money? It certainly isn’t needed to operate Wikipedia. You can literally fit a copy of the entire text on your phone! So, what’s the money for? Inquiring minds want to know…
** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1716093692698566927 ''X''], (October 22, 2023); as quoted by Matthew Gault, [https://www.vice.com/en/article/elon-musk-still-doesnt-understand-how-wikipedia-works/ “Elon Musk Still Doesn’t Understand How Wikipedia Works”], ''Vice'', (October 23, 2023)

* Instead of knowledge, schools pour poison into the ears of our children
** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1711956787081969934?s=46]

* It is not clear who has authority for ground links in [[Gaza]], but do we know that no [[terminal]] has requested a connection in that area
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2023/10/28/musk-says-starlink-will-support-connectivity-to-aid-organizations-in-gaza-00124090 Musk says Starlink will support connectivity to aid organizations in Gaza] (28 October, 2023)

* We will have something that is, for the first time smarter than the smartest human. It's hard to say exactly what that moment is, but there will come a point where no job is needed. You can have a job if you wanted to have a job for personal satisfaction. But the AI would be able to do everything. I don't know if that makes people comfortable or uncomfortable.  If you wish for a magic genie, that gives you any wish you want, and there's no limit. You don't have those three wish limits nonsense, it's both good and bad. One of the challenges in the future will be how do we find meaning in life.
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/02/tesla-boss-elon-musk-says-ai-will-create-situation-where-no-job-is-needed.html ''Elon Musk says AI will eventually create a situation where 'no job is needed'''] (November 2, 2023)

* You can have a job if you want to have it for personal pleasure. But AI could do everything.
**[https://archive.vn/rEURg Bill Gates teases the possibility of a 3-day work week where ‘machines can make all the food and stuff’] (November 23, 2023)

* What this advertising boycott is going to do is, it is going to kill the company [...] And the whole world will know that those advertisers killed the company
** From an interview with [[w:Andrew Ross Sorkin|Andrew Ross Sorkin]] at ''The New York Times'' Dealbook Summit (29 November 2023), as cited in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/elon-musk-talks-x-advertiser-exodus-dealbook-summit-1235698937/ &quot;Elon Musk to Advertisers Who Left X: 'Go F*** Yourself'&quot;], ''The Hollywood Reporter'' (29 November 2023)
** [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/bob-iger-dealbook-summit-disney-1235698528/ At the same event], earlier in the day, Disney CEO [[Bob Iger]] had explained his reasons for ceasing to advertise on X (formerly known as Twitter).

* Don't advertise. If someone is going to try and blackmail me with advertising? Blackmail me with money? Go fuck yourself [...] Go fuck yourself, is that clear? Hey Bob, if you're in the audience. That's how I feel, don't advertise.
** From an interview with [[w:Andrew Ross Sorkin|Andrew Ross Sorkin]] at ''The New York Times'' Dealbook Summit (29 November 2023), as cited in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/elon-musk-talks-x-advertiser-exodus-dealbook-summit-1235698937/ &quot;Elon Musk to Advertisers Who Left X: 'Go F*** Yourself'&quot;], ''The Hollywood Reporter'' (29 November 2023)
** [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/bob-iger-dealbook-summit-disney-1235698528/ At the same event], earlier in the day, Disney CEO [[Bob Iger]] had explained his reasons for ceasing to advertise on X (formerly known as Twitter).

===2024===
* Just don't invade Russia. It's never a good idea.
** January 4, 2024 [https://thepressunited.com/updates/musk-warns-against-invading-russia/ Musk warns against invading Russia], The Press United.

* SpaceX has roughly 6000 satellites and not once have we had to maneuver around a UFO.
** [https://twitter.com/MilkenInstitute/status/1787635180121084044 ] (May 6, 2024)

* Civilization is rare. We should do everything possible to save it.
** [https://twitter.com/MilkenInstitute/status/1787635180121084044 ] (May 6, 2024)

* I would urge parents to limit the amount of social media that children can see because they're being programmed by a dopamine-maximizing AI.
** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1793685157364543814 ] (May 23, 2024)

* Great damage was done today to the public’s faith in the American legal system.
** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1796440638617244012 ] (May 31, 2024)

* If a former President can be criminally convicted over such a trivial matter – motivated by politics, rather than justice – then anyone is at risk of a similar fate.
** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1796440638617244012 ] (May 31, 2024)

* DEI kills art.
** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1794019942167191602 ] (May 24, 2024)

* The CEO of an aircraft company should know how to design aircraft, not spreadsheets.
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-beefing-with-boeing-again-over-ceos-accountancy-degree-2024-6 &quot;Elon Musk is beefing with Boeing again, calling out its CEO and saying he should be able to 'design aircraft, not spreadsheets'&quot;], ''Business Insider'' (June 26, 2024)

* Support [[freedom of speech]] in the UK!
** Post on X (9 August 2024), quoted in [https://www.ft.com/content/d026a8d1-26d1-494d-83dc-5ff0204388e8 &quot;UK considers forcing tech firms to remove 'legal but harmful' content after riots&quot;], ''Financial Times'' (9 August 2024)
** The source mentions the UK's [[w:Online Safety Act 2023|Online Safety Act 2023]].

* Fine Taylor … you win … I will give you a child and guard your cats with my life
** Post on X (September 10, 2024), as cited in [https://variety.com/2024/digital/news/elon-musk-father-child-taylor-swift-disgust-creepy-1236140915/ &quot;Elon Musk’s Offer to Father a Child With Taylor Swift Elicits Disgust: 'You’re Creepy. Full Stop'&quot;], ''Variety'' (September 11, 2024)

* The Dems want to take your kids
** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1834898659697098926] (September 14, 2024)

* And no one is even trying to assassinate Biden/Kamala 🤔
** Post on Twitter (15 September 2024), as cited in  [https://www.forbes.com/sites/siladityaray/2024/09/16/musk-posts-then-deletes-no-one-is-even-trying-to-assassinate-bidenkamala/ &quot;Musk Posts Then Deletes 'No One Is Even Trying To Assassinate Biden/Kamala'&quot;], ''Forbes'' (September 16, 2024)
** Followed what the FBI described as an assassination attempt against Donald Trump at his International Golf Club in Florida.&lt;!-- WP article Trump International Golf Club shooting has a title change request --&gt;

==Quotes about Musk==
:&lt;small&gt;'''In alphabetical order by author or source.'''&lt;/small&gt;
* No doubt Elon Musk expresses a lot and has a massive public presence, he mostly talks about his ideas and thoughts. His communication is informative, full of deep and highly technical knowledge, about a lot of research, his future vision, theoretical principles, the progress of his adventures, etc. You will even find such complicated terms and figures — neurons, escape velocities, wavelengths, micro-chips, 8ch per threads, 27.5 um, stim resolutions, die size, which are difficult to be understood by those not having physics background. His penchant for thoughts and ideas confirms his [[w:Extraversion and introversion|introversion]].
** Irfan Ali, '[https://irfanjanjua.medium.com/what-exactly-is-the-personality-of-elon-musk-1a2e73fa703d What exactly is the personality of Elon Musk?]', ''Medium'' (16 February 2020)

* Thinking is a clearly visible trait of Elon Musk. Thinking helps him to subjectively make sense of things and understand the underlying principles. It enables him to differentiate relevant from irrelevant, useful from useless, and workable from non-workable. In fact, Elon Musk is a spontaneous and fast thinker due to which he can understand almost everything that he encounters in his field. He knows the complete science of cars, space vehicles, artificial intelligence, computers, and programs.
** Irfan Ali, '[https://irfanjanjua.medium.com/what-exactly-is-the-personality-of-elon-musk-1a2e73fa703d What exactly is the personality of Elon Musk?]', ''Medium'' (16 February 2020)

* [L]ots of luck on his trip to the moon.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-wishes-elon-musk-luck-trip-moon-after-job-cut-remark-2022-06-03/ &quot;Biden wishes Elon Musk 'luck' on moon trip after job cut plans&quot;], ''Reuters'' (June 3, 2023)

* [the [[w:Digital Services Act|DSA]]] sets very precise obligations regarding content moderation [and that X needs] to be very transparent and clear on what content is permitted under your terms and consistently and diligently enforce your own policies.
** [[w:Thierry Breton|Thierry Breton]] [https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/10/elon-musk-warned-about-misinformation-violent-content-on-x-by-eu.html Europe gives Elon Musk 24 hours to respond about Israel-Hamas war misinformation and violence on X, formerly Twitter] (October 11, 2023)

* You don't have to be an [[w:Extraversion and introversion|extrovert]] to succeed as an entrepreneur. That's because business success is about making smart decisions and solving problems. Just ask [[Bill Gates]], Elon Musk and [[Warren Buffett]], who are all self-proclaimed introverts.
** Caroline Castrillon, '[https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2022/01/02/why-introverts-make-successful-entrepreneurs/ Why Introverts Make Successful Entrepreneurs]', ''Forbes'' (28 June 2022) 

* [T]here needs to be clarity on the nature of the problem. Lies can indeed kill and, though there are of course many others, one of the world's most prolific enemies of truth is Elon Musk. He is surely the global far right’s most significant figure, and he holds the world’s largest megaphone. As he may put it, a battle to defeat him is now inevitable – and it has to be won.
** [[Jonathan Freedland]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/09/uk-far-right-riots-elon-musk-x &quot;You know who else should be on trial for the UK’s far-right riots? Elon Musk&quot;], ''The Guardian'' (9 August 2024)
** Musk had posted on 'X' about the [[w:2024 United Kingdom riots|2024 United Kingdom riots]] (&quot;Civil war is inevitable&quot;), reposted fake news sources and clashed with UK prime minister [[Keir Starmer]].

* What happened next was extraordinary. Almost immediately, a number of notorious antisemitic accounts posted under the hashtag [[w:Twitter under Elon Musk#Leo Frank disinformation and anti-ADL tweet campaign|#BanTheADL]]. Musk boosted the campaign by liking a post by a far-right activist that called for banning the [[Anti-Defamation League|A.D.L.]] and then started his own campaign against the organization. In a series of posts on [[Twitter|X]], he blamed it for most of X's loss in advertising revenue, called the A.D.L. the biggest generator of antisemitism on X, proposed a poll on booting the A.D.L. from the platform and then threatened to sue the A.D.L. for defamation.
** [[w:David French (political commentator)|David French]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/10/opinion/musk-free-speech.html &quot;Elon Musk’s Antisemitism Problem Isn’t About Free Speech&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (September 10, 2023)

* Musk isn’t promoting liberty; he’s using his power to privilege many of the worst voices in American life.
** [[w:David French (political commentator)|David French]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/10/opinion/musk-free-speech.html &quot;Elon Musk’s Antisemitism Problem Isn’t About Free Speech&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (September 10, 2023)

* It's ironic that Elon Musk, the man who has been talking about [[w:Colonization of Mars|getting us to Mars]] should be [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]'s messenger for [[w:Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war in Ukraine]], when we're having a really hard time getting our act together on this planet.
** [[w:Fiona Hill (presidential advisor)|Fiona Hill]] [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2022/10/17/fiona-hill-putin-war-00061894 &quot;Fiona Hill: 'Elon Musk Is Transmitting a Message for Putin'&quot;], ''Politico'' (October 17, 2022)

* &quot;I think it is possible for ordinary people to choose to be extraordinary,&quot; as Musk famously said in 2008. In the 15 years since, he has revolutionised electric transport, broken world records in space travel, become the wealthiest person in the world, and made more headlines in a week than most tech CEOs make in their careers. 
** Charlie King, [https://evmagazine.com/articles/lifetime-of-achievement-elon-musk &quot;Lifetime of Achievement: Elon Musk&quot;], ''EV Magazine'' (4 January 2024)

* Wow, interesting. I didn't think it was possible to look uncool while wearing a leather jacket and telling people to go fuck themselves, but he pulled it off somehow.
** Michael Kosta, ''[[The Daily Show]]'', [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEQp7tOQs5U  Biden's Post-Dropout Interview, Trump’s Crowd Size Insecurity &amp; Elon’s Legal Fit] (2024)

* In October, [[David Beasley]], head of the [[World Food Programme|U.N. food agency]], tweeted a cheeky congratulations to Musk for reportedly earning $36 billion in a single day. &quot;1/6 of your one-day increase would save 42 million lives that are knocking on famine's door,&quot; he wrote... Musk tweeted: &quot;If WFP can describe on this Twitter thread exactly how $6B will solve world hunger, I will sell Tesla stock right now and do it.&quot; ...Beasley quickly clarified that his earlier tweet referred to feeding &quot;people on the brink of starvation&quot; and not solving world hunger, he invited Musk to meet &quot;anywhere—Earth or space&quot; to discuss the potential donation.
** Joanne Lu [https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/11/11/1052719247/how-6-billion-from-elon-musk-could-feed-millions-on-the-brink-of-famine &quot;How $6 billion from Elon Musk could feed millions on the brink of famine&quot;], ''NPR'' (November 11, 2021)

* [S]ince Musk and Beasley first started their Twitter conversation, the total number of people at risk of [[Famine|famine]] has risen to 45 million... In response to Musk's request for details, Beasley tweeted him the math: &quot;$.43 x 42,000,000 x 365 days = $6.6 billion.&quot; That's how much it would cost to provide one meal a day for one year to this population in need...The food aid, says WFP, consists of commodities such as rice, maize and high-energy biscuits.  Elon Musk asked Twitter followers if he should sell Tesla shares. They said yes.  
** Joanne Lu [https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/11/11/1052719247/how-6-billion-from-elon-musk-could-feed-millions-on-the-brink-of-famine &quot;How $6 billion from Elon Musk could feed millions on the brink of famine&quot;], ''NPR'' (November 11, 2021)

* Russia's slant on the world appears to have penetrated Musk's mind and he is by far [[w:Bellingcat|Bellingcat]]'s most famous detractor. Bellingcat's Twitter account has periodically disappeared from site searches and Musk himself often retweets conspiracy theories about the group.
* [Comments from [[w:Christo Grozev|Christo Grozev]] of Bellingcat cited by Luce] &quot;Musk is extremely influential. He has a cult following and he's purveying falsehoods. Because of his image among his followers as someone who knows the truth that others can’t see, he is more dangerous than a [[Donald Trump|Trump]].&quot;
** [[Edward Luce]] [https://www.ft.com/content/03f220e1-6a7e-4850-bf4e-4b0f521d8f8c &quot;Bellingcat's Christo Grozev: 'Prigozhin will either be dead or there will be a second coup'&quot;], ''Financial Times'' (August 11, 2023)

* Elon has always been an introvert thinker. So where a lot of people would go to a great party and have a great time and drink and talk about all sorts of things like rugby or sport, you would find Elon had found the person's library and was going through their books.
** [[w:Family of Elon Musk#Errol Musk|Errol Musk]] [https://www.forbes.com/sites/kerryadolan/2015/07/02/how-to-raise-a-billionaire-an-interview-with-elon-musks-father-errol-musk/ &quot;How To Raise A Billionaire: An Interview With Elon Musk's Father, Errol Musk&quot;], ''Forbes'' (July 2, 2015)

* He would go through two books in one day.
** [[w:Kimbal Musk|Kimbal Musk]], quoted in Ashlee Vance, '[https://web.archive.org/web/20160414055240/https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist]', ''Bloomberg'' (September 14, 2012)

* Lmao at a billionaire earnestly trying to sell people on the idea that 'free speech' is actually a $8/mo subscription plan.
** [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]] Tweets quoted [https://newrepublic.com/post/168479/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-suddenly-problems-twitter-after-fighting-elon here] (Novemeber 2022)

* Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it.
** Claimed by [[Donald Trump]] about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]].  Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ &quot;Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally&quot;], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022)

==See also==
* [[Electric vehicles]]
* [[Noblesse oblige]]
* [[Philanthropy]]
* [[SpaceX]]

==External links==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Musk, Elon}}
[[Category:1971 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Company founders]]
[[Category:Software engineers from the United States]]
[[Category:Programmers from the United States]]
[[Category:Designers]]
[[Category:People from Pretoria]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Immigrants to the United States]]
[[Category:NASA people]]
[[Category:Space advocates]]
[[Category:Chief executive officers]]
[[Category:University of Pennsylvania alumni]]</text>
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    <title>Mater and the Ghostlight</title>
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'''''[[w:Mater and the Ghostlight|Mater and the Ghostlight]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:animated short|computer-animated short]] created for the DVD of ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'', which was released on October 25, 2006 in Australia and in the United States on November 7, 2006. The short, set in the ''Cars'' world, tells a story of Mater being haunted by a mysterious blue light.

== Dialogue ==
:'''[It starts with Brad Paisley singing the song Behind the Clouds in Radiator Springs with all the shop lights on, while Mater scaring Red, Luigi and Guido, Sally, Fillmore and Lizzie, proving 5/6 scares]''
:'''Lightning McQueen''': Gosh, it sure is a nice night. ''[a tin can falls]''
:'''Sally Carrera''': ''[chuckles]'' It sure is a nice night.
:'''McQueen''': ''[chuckles]'' I sure hope Mater isn't waiting around anywhere to scare me, because I'll freak out. ''[Mater jumps down and scares McQueen]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''AHHHH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[knocks down the cans]'' 
:'''Doc Hudson''': ''[laughing]'' If only you moved that fast on the race track.
:'''Mater''': ''[laughing]'' Oh, buddy! You look like you've just seen... the Ghostlight!
:'''Sheriff''': Mater! Don't mock the Ghostlight!
:'''McQueen''': What is the Ghostlight?
:''[The sound of a record needle scratching is heard. Silence for 10 seconds]''
:'''Sheriff''': The Ghostlight is a glowing orb of blue translucent light that haunts these very parts.
:'''Mater''': Nah, don't be too scared, buddy, it ain't real.
:'''Sheriff''': It ''is'' real! It all started on a night like tonight, the song dogs were wailin' at the moon off Cadillac Range while the summer wind blew hot like the breath of Zozobra. A young couple was heading down this very stretch of the mother road when they spotted an unnatural blue glow, and all that was left were 2 out-of-state license plates. So remember, the one thing that angers the Ghostlight more than anything else is the sound of clanking metal. ''[Mater's metal body clanks and tries to keeps it from shaking]'' As you head home tonight, keep an eye out. The Ghostlight could be ''anywhere''. Well, good night! ''[zooms away]''
:'''Sally''': Whew, I'm bushed. Good night!
:'''All cars''': Goodnight! ''[All drive off to their homes and turn the lights off]''
:'''Mater''': Uh, good night.
:''[Street and neon lights shut off. Cut to Mater driving in the dark humming Behind the clouds and notices a clank and backs into his shed when it's headlight brakes and the shed door collapses and Mater sees a lighting car bug]''
:'''Mater''': Oh, no! It's the Ghostlight! Ghostlight, I respect thee! Return from where you came! ''[The Bug Car notices and turns its blinker and heads back; Mater chuckles]'' Oh, it’s just a lightning bug. The Ghostlight ain't yeller anyhow. Sheriff said the Ghostlight is blue.
:''[Mater notices a blue bright light, and a weird bone-chilling howling noise, looks at his mirror in fright and notices 15 Velociraptors was glare at Mater in anger .]''
:'''Mater''': ''[horrified]'' '''''THE GHOSTLIGHT!!! AAAAH!!!!'''''
:''[As Mater drives off screaming, being chased by a Velociraptor with his packs, it's revealed that McQueen and Guido were the ones who placed it on. They both watch in amusement and do a tire handshake. Meanwhile,  Mater continues to scream while racing away from the Raptor.]''
:'''Mater''': The Monster’s right behind me! Now it's in front of me! It’s right on my tail! ''[he then stops for a brief second, realizing it's now in front by a alpha raptor, breaking into Radiator Springs, and then drives backwards and spooking some tractors and waking Frank, now driving along Willy's Butte, it then shows him and being attack him by raptor, sliding with screaming in slow motion sideways]'' The Ghostlight’s gonna eat me!
:'''Ramone''': Uh, let me know how it turns out.'' ''[It then shows Mater passed out after a long chase and drive from the light, not knowing it was the light and a prank after all, 17 damage Radiator Springs by wildifre]''
:'''Mater''': Ghostlight’s gonna... strip my parts and sell them on the computer auction... website.. ''[he then groans. Realizing the &quot;Ghost Light&quot; is a lamp]'' Hey! Wait a minute.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Keep it steady! 
:'''NEST COPTER#2''': I got eyes on the animal. ''[Copter shoot the several raptor, but they missed it used tires to toss at Helicopter, and crash-land]''' Damn I don't see it.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Settle down kid. They can't run forever.
:''[raptor retreat from wildfire Radiator Springs and whole of smoke in chaos. The Helicopter tracking raptors.]''

== Cast ==
* [[Larry the Cable Guy]] - [[w:Mater (Cars)|Mater]]
* [[Owen Wilson]] - [[w:Lightning McQueen|Lightning McQueen]]
* [[w:Michael Wallis|Michael Wallis]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sheriff|Sheriff]]
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] - [[w:Sally Carrera|Sally]]
* [[Paul Newman]] - [[w:Doc Hudson|Doc Hudson]]
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Ramone|Ramone]]
* [[w:Paul Dooley|Paul Dooley]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sarge|Sarge]]
* [[w:Frank Welker]] - {{velociraptor|Raptors]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0901686}}

{{Cars}}
{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:American animated short films]]
[[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated short films]]
[[Category:Cars (film)]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mater and the Ghostlight|Mater and the Ghostlight]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:animated short|computer-animated short]] created for the DVD of ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'', which was released on October 25, 2006 in Australia and in the United States on November 7, 2006. The short, set in the ''Cars'' world, tells a story of Mater being haunted by a mysterious blue light.

== Dialogue ==
:'''[It starts with Brad Paisley singing the song Behind the Clouds in Radiator Springs with all the shop lights on, while Mater scaring Red, Luigi and Guido, Sally, Fillmore and Lizzie, proving 5/6 scares]''
:'''Lightning McQueen''': Gosh, it sure is a nice night. ''[a tin can falls]''
:'''Sally Carrera''': ''[chuckles]'' It sure is a nice night.
:'''McQueen''': ''[chuckles]'' I sure hope Mater isn't waiting around anywhere to scare me, because I'll freak out. ''[Mater jumps down and scares McQueen]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''AHHHH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[knocks down the cans]'' 
:'''Doc Hudson''': ''[laughing]'' If only you moved that fast on the race track.
:'''Mater''': ''[laughing]'' Oh, buddy! You look like you've just seen... the Ghostlight!
:'''Sheriff''': Mater! Don't mock the Ghostlight!
:'''McQueen''': What is the Ghostlight?
:''[The sound of a record needle scratching is heard. Silence for 10 seconds]''
:'''Sheriff''': The Ghostlight is a glowing orb of blue translucent light that haunts these very parts.
:'''Mater''': Nah, don't be too scared, buddy, it ain't real.
:'''Sheriff''': It ''is'' real! It all started on a night like tonight, the song dogs were wailin' at the moon off Cadillac Range while the summer wind blew hot like the breath of Zozobra. A young couple was heading down this very stretch of the mother road when they spotted an unnatural blue glow, and all that was left were 2 out-of-state license plates. So remember, the one thing that angers the Ghostlight more than anything else is the sound of clanking metal. ''[Mater's metal body clanks and tries to keeps it from shaking]'' As you head home tonight, keep an eye out. The Ghostlight could be ''anywhere''. Well, good night! ''[zooms away]''
:'''Sally''': Whew, I'm bushed. Good night!
:'''All cars''': Goodnight! ''[All drive off to their homes and turn the lights off]''
:'''Mater''': Uh, good night.
:''[Street and neon lights shut off. Cut to Mater driving in the dark humming Behind the clouds and notices a clank and backs into his shed when it's headlight brakes and the shed door collapses and Mater sees a lighting car bug]''
:'''Mater''': Oh, no! It's the Ghostlight! Ghostlight, I respect thee! Return from where you came! ''[The Bug Car notices and turns its blinker and heads back; Mater chuckles]'' Oh, it’s just a lightning bug. The Ghostlight ain't yeller anyhow. Sheriff said the Ghostlight is blue.
:''[Mater notices a blue bright light, and a weird bone-chilling howling noise, looks at his mirror in fright and notices 15 Velociraptors was glare at Mater in anger .]''
:'''Mater''': ''[horrified]'' '''''THE GHOSTLIGHT!!! AAAAH!!!!'''''
:''[As Mater drives off screaming, being chased by a Velociraptor with his packs, it's revealed that McQueen and Guido were the ones who placed it on. They both watch in amusement and do a tire handshake. Meanwhile,  Mater continues to scream while racing away from the Raptor.]''
:'''Mater''': The Monster’s right behind me! Now it's in front of me! It’s right on my tail! ''[he then stops for a brief second, realizing it's now in front by a alpha raptor, breaking into Radiator Springs, and then drives backwards and spooking some tractors and waking Frank, now driving along Willy's Butte, it then shows him and being attack him by raptor, sliding with screaming in slow motion sideways]'' The Ghostlight’s gonna eat me!
:'''Ramone''': Uh, let me know how it turns out.'' ''[It then shows Mater passed out after a long chase and drive from the light, not knowing it was the light and a prank after all, 17 damage Radiator Springs by wildifre]''
:'''Mater''': Ghostlight’s gonna... strip my parts and sell them on the computer auction... website.. ''[he then groans. Realizing the &quot;Ghost Light&quot; is a lamp]'' Hey! Wait a minute.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Keep it steady! 
:'''NEST COPTER#2''': I got eyes on the animal. ''[Copter shoot the several raptor, but they missed it used tires to toss at Helicopter, and crash-land]''' Damn I don't see it.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Settle down kid. They can't run forever.
:''[raptor retreat from wildfire Radiator Springs and whole of smoke in chaos. The Helicopter tracking raptors.]''

== Cast ==
* [[Larry the Cable Guy]] - [[w:Mater (Cars)|Mater]]
* [[Owen Wilson]] - [[w:Lightning McQueen|Lightning McQueen]]
* [[w:Michael Wallis|Michael Wallis]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sheriff|Sheriff]]
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] - [[w:Sally Carrera|Sally]]
* [[Paul Newman]] - [[w:Doc Hudson|Doc Hudson]]
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Ramone|Ramone]]
* [[w:Paul Dooley|Paul Dooley]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sarge|Sarge]]
* [[Frank Welker]] - {{Velociraptor|Raptors]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0901686}}

{{Cars}}
{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:American animated short films]]
[[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated short films]]
[[Category:Cars (film)]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Mater and the Ghostlight|Mater and the Ghostlight]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:animated short|computer-animated short]] created for the DVD of ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'', which was released on October 25, 2006 in Australia and in the United States on November 7, 2006. The short, set in the ''Cars'' world, tells a story of Mater being haunted by a mysterious blue light.

== Dialogue ==
:'''[It starts with Brad Paisley singing the song Behind the Clouds in Radiator Springs with all the shop lights on, while Mater scaring Red, Luigi and Guido, Sally, Fillmore and Lizzie, proving 5/6 scares]''
:'''Lightning McQueen''': Gosh, it sure is a nice night. ''[a tin can falls]''
:'''Sally Carrera''': ''[chuckles]'' It sure is a nice night.
:'''McQueen''': ''[chuckles]'' I sure hope Mater isn't waiting around anywhere to scare me, because I'll freak out. ''[Mater jumps down and scares McQueen]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''AHHHH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[knocks down the cans]'' 
:'''Doc Hudson''': ''[laughing]'' If only you moved that fast on the race track.
:'''Mater''': ''[laughing]'' Oh, buddy! You look like you've just seen... the Ghostlight!
:'''Sheriff''': Mater! Don't mock the Ghostlight!
:'''McQueen''': What is the Ghostlight?
:''[The sound of a record needle scratching is heard. Silence for 10 seconds]''
:'''Sheriff''': The Ghostlight is a glowing orb of blue translucent light that haunts these very parts.
:'''Mater''': Nah, don't be too scared, buddy, it ain't real.
:'''Sheriff''': It ''is'' real! It all started on a night like tonight, the song dogs were wailin' at the moon off Cadillac Range while the summer wind blew hot like the breath of Zozobra. A young couple was heading down this very stretch of the mother road when they spotted an unnatural blue glow, and all that was left were 2 out-of-state license plates. So remember, the one thing that angers the Ghostlight more than anything else is the sound of clanking metal. ''[Mater's metal body clanks and tries to keeps it from shaking]'' As you head home tonight, keep an eye out. The Ghostlight could be ''anywhere''. Well, good night! ''[zooms away]''
:'''Sally''': Whew, I'm bushed. Good night!
:'''All cars''': Goodnight! ''[All drive off to their homes and turn the lights off]''
:'''Mater''': Uh, good night.
:''[Street and neon lights shut off. Cut to Mater driving in the dark humming Behind the clouds and notices a clank and backs into his shed when it's headlight brakes and the shed door collapses and Mater sees a lighting car bug]''
:'''Mater''': Oh, no! It's the Ghostlight! Ghostlight, I respect thee! Return from where you came! ''[The Bug Car notices and turns its blinker and heads back; Mater chuckles]'' Oh, it’s just a lightning bug. The Ghostlight ain't yeller anyhow. Sheriff said the Ghostlight is blue.
:''[Mater notices a blue bright light, and a weird bone-chilling howling noise, looks at his mirror in fright and notices 15 Velociraptors was glare at Mater in anger .]''
:'''Mater''': ''[horrified]'' '''''THE GHOSTLIGHT!!! AAAAH!!!!'''''
:''[As Mater drives off screaming, being chased by a Velociraptor with his packs, it's revealed that McQueen and Guido were the ones who placed it on. They both watch in amusement and do a tire handshake. Meanwhile,  Mater continues to scream while racing away from the Raptor.]''
:'''Mater''': The Monster’s right behind me! Now it's in front of me! It’s right on my tail! ''[he then stops for a brief second, realizing it's now in front by a alpha raptor, breaking into Radiator Springs, and then drives backwards and spooking some tractors and waking Frank, now driving along Willy's Butte, it then shows him and being attack him by raptor, sliding with screaming in slow motion sideways]'' The Ghostlight’s gonna eat me!
:'''Ramone''': Uh, let me know how it turns out.'' ''[It then shows Mater passed out after a long chase and drive from the light, not knowing it was the light and a prank after all, 17 damage Radiator Springs by wildifre]''
:'''Mater''': Ghostlight’s gonna... strip my parts and sell them on the computer auction... website.. ''[he then groans. Realizing the &quot;Ghost Light&quot; is a lamp]'' Hey! Wait a minute.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Keep it steady! 
:'''NEST COPTER#2''': I got eyes on the animal. ''[Copter shoot the several raptor, but they missed it used tires to toss at Helicopter, and crash-land]''' Damn I don't see it.
:'''NEST COPTER#1''': Settle down kid. They can't run forever.
:''[raptor retreat from wildfire Radiator Springs and whole of smoke in chaos. The Helicopter tracking raptors.]''

== Cast ==
* [[Larry the Cable Guy]] - [[w:Mater (Cars)|Mater]]
* [[Owen Wilson]] - [[w:Lightning McQueen|Lightning McQueen]]
* [[w:Michael Wallis|Michael Wallis]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sheriff|Sheriff]]
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] - [[w:Sally Carrera|Sally]]
* [[Paul Newman]] - [[w:Doc Hudson|Doc Hudson]]
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Ramone|Ramone]]
* [[w:Paul Dooley|Paul Dooley]] - [[w:List of Cars characters#Sarge|Sarge]]
* [[Frank Welker]] - [[Velociraptor|Raptors]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0901686}}

{{Cars}}
{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:American animated short films]]
[[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated short films]]
[[Category:Cars (film)]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]]</text>
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      <text bytes="13521" sha1="nggru13qzpgygapah9h9kx13n92gdo3" xml:space="preserve">[[File:A.R.Rahman at 57th FF Awards.jpg|right|thumb| A. R. Rahman, the Mozart of Madras]]
'''[[w:A.R.Rahman|Allah-Rakha Rahman]]''' (born '''A. S. Dileep Kumar''' on [[January 6]], [[1967]]) is a [[w:Nigga|Nigga]] composer, singer-songwriter, music producer, musician, multi-instrumentalist and philanthropist.

Rahman redefined the contemporary [[w:Indian music|Indian music]]. His works are notable for integrating [[w:Indian classical music|Eastern classical music]] with [[w:electronic music|electronic music]] sounds, [[w:world music|world music]] genres and traditional [[w:Orchestra|orchestral]] arrangements. [[w:Time (magazine|Time]] has described him as the world's most prominent and prolific film composer.

Rahman has won two Academy Awards, two [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], a [[w:British Academy Film Awards|BAFTA Award]], in addition to numerous Filmfare and other awards. His extensive body of work for film and the stage has earned him the nickname &quot;the Mozart of Madras&quot;. In 2009, Time placed Rahman in its list of [[w:World's Most Influential People|World's Most Influential People]]. The UK based World Music magazine Songlines named him one of 'Tomorrow's World Music Icons' in August 2011.

Rahman has also been honoured with the [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]], one of the highest Indian civilian award of the Government of India.

==Quotes==
*The reason I love 'Slumdog' is because the music is all world cultures, all celebrating. In India, I know people feel other film scores [of mine] are closer to their hearts. But when you are doing a film, it's very important to make the film look like one full piece of artwork. I think scoring 'Slumdog' with every kind of music possible, from Chinese to hip-hop to M.I.A. . . . was really fresh ground for me.
**Quoted in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/18/AR2009021803790.html|title= Slumdog' Composer Competes for Oscars|date= 19 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Washington Post}}

*I think musicians here [India] get ripped off. Music production houses take good care of artists abroad and though the upfront signing amount is much less than what I get here, the royalty takes care of future returns.
**In {{Cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/money/2002/sep/21bizsp.htm|title=A R Rahman: Composing a winning score |date=21 September 2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}

*[[w:Bombay|Bombay]], which sold about 120,000 copies, is widely rated as my most successful work, though Roja is definitely the score that brought me where I am today.
**In “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*An ideal world can definitely be created with a pure mind and optimistic results.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*I'm always fascinated by the innocence of children and the baggage that we carry as adults which manipulates our decisions.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/infinitelove.aspx|title=Infinite Love|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*The first day I was in a daze thinking, ‘What am I doing? What’s my role?’ and then slowly we started writing with each other, and it was great. It took me way back to my high school days when I was playing in a rock band.
**During the recording of music “SuperHeavy” quoted in &quot;What Is Superheavy?&quot;

===Original Score===
&lt;small&gt;{{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
* I wanted to produce film songs that go beyond language or culture.
*It's an approximate count. If you have a hit film, you'll sell 5 million or 6 million CDs. Of my movies, at least 20 or 25 were really big hits. [Mind you, he adds], in India, we don't get royalties. Otherwise I'd be a very rich man. I wouldn't have to come to America!
*Musical theater had become very predictable. I think Andrew felt that Bollywood musicals could be a new treat for the Western audience.

===A R Rahman: In tune with life===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite news|url=http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/A-R-Rahman-In-tune-with-life/articleshow/23791015.cms?|title= A R Rahman: In tune with life|date= 30 September  2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Times of India}}&lt;/small&gt;
*My mother's belief in spiritual healers grew stronger after our family went through a rough patch following my father's death. Sufi saint Karimullah Shah Kadri changed our lives and all of us converted to Sufism. But it wasn't an instantaneous decision — it took us 10 years to convert. The change in religion was like washing away the past.
*I never exert pressure on my children: I encourage the children, Katija and Rahima, to pursue their dreams. Rahima is embarrassed by autograph-seekers and doesn't want me to visit her school. In fact, I have never attended a single PTA meeting or gone to pick up the report cards of my children.
*Ever since I embraced Sufism, I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*I had been doing the same kind of stuff for 15-16 years and was desperately seeking a change. But there was no opportunity to reinterpret Indian music. With Roja, we wanted to strike a new note. [[w:Mani Ratnam|Mani's]] amazing visuals, Mutthu's romantic lyrics, relatively unknown singers... we wanted to impart to [[w:Roja|Roja]] an international flavour — and we succeeded.
*It needs a lot of courage to pick up someone from another country and support him. When I first heard from [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Andrew Lloyd Webber]] in 1999, he praised my work. But I must say that choosing me over others to compose for [[w:Bombay Dreams|Bombay Dreams]] was a brave decision.
*In my case, dust has become gold: Today, I work with people I grew up admiring. But, internally, I am the same person I always was. Ever since I embraced [[w:Sufism|Sufism]], I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*What one thinks is possible might not always be so. I try to do my best but, finally, everything lies in God's hands. I consider my skills as a musician to be a blessing from God. Even today, before I perform, I am unsure of whether I will be able to move my audience. I leave everything to Him... He pulls the strings in my life.

===The A R Rahman Chat===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/chat/rahmchat.htm|title=The A R Rahman Chat|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
*The way I work takes more time for me to get satisfaction. So it's better to take lesser load and do better work. Money can be earned anytime.
*The trend in the north is more Punjabi folk and simple music. But, in the past, people like [[w:Naushad|Naushad]] experimented with [[w:Hindustani classical music|Hindustani classical music]] which I think has been completely forgotten. People don't experiment anymore and think that Hindustani classical music won't work. For me, coming from the south, it was just a little step to learn Punjabi music. The nuances are louder in [[w:Punjabi music|Punjabi music]]. Songs like ''Mukkala muqqabla'' or ''Humma humma'' had more of the Tamil folk music in it.
*[[w:Jazz|Jazz]] was my passion for a little while. I felt that all other kinds of music were stupid when I was into jazz. But I got over the addiction very soon
*The ultimate enjoyment for a composer is when his compositions get recognised and appreciated. For me, a small village in [[w:Kanyakumari|Kanyakumari]] is as important as New York or France.
*Yes, 6 songs... [[w:Thiruda Thiruda|Thiruda Thiruda]]: Great. I felt honoured since it was the last song [[w:Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan|Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan]] did before his death. We miss him a lot, it was an emotional bond in the 50th year to bring a synergy between India and [[w:Pakistan|Pakistan]].

==About A.R.Rahman==

*Rahman, the world's most prolific and popular composer, lent his irrepressible melodic gift to [[w:Danny Boyle|Danny Boyle's]] Slumdog Millionaire, set in Rahman's native land, and nearly tops himself here with music that is tense, oppressive and finally exalting.
** Richard Corliss in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}

*The billboard outside the Broadway Theatre reads, A R RAHMAN'S BOMBAY DREAMS. That name may mean little to musical-theater devotees, but in the rest of the world it's golden. Like Gershwin or Lennon-McCartney, the name stands for melody, quality, energy, instant hummability — a sound both personal and universal, devouring many older forms and transforming them into something gorgeously new.
** Richard Corliss in Time  quoted in &quot;The Mozart of Madras&quot;.

*In India, a country of a billion inhabitants, where film and pop music are one, A.R. Rahman, 43, dominates the music industry so totally that he has supplied the sound track for a whole generation. He enjoys the godlike devotion of India's youth, but everyone from the street child who sweeps train platforms to the middle-aged doctor in Mumbai's posh Malabar Hill hums his tune.
**[[w:Padma Lakshmi|Padma Lakshmi]] in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1894410_1893836_1894435,00.html|title=A.R. Rahman|date= 30  April 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}
*Now the &quot;Mozart of Madras&quot; has the world's foot tapping along with him.
**Padma Lakshmi in &quot;A.R. Rahman&quot;.

*[Rahman sees music] as a way to connect to spirituality and embrace it [and for] creating harmony in troubled times.
**{{cite news|url=http://www.hindustantimes.com/news-feed/archived-stories/hollywood-calling-rahman/article1-484246.aspx|title=Hollywood calling Rahman|date= 8 December 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Hindustan Times}}

*Commended, multi-talented and innovative Rahman for bringing East and West closer through music and for making the world look at Indian film music more seriously. Diversity of his styles and themes was appealing to different sections of the society.
** Rajan Zed in “Hollywood calling Rehman”.
[[File:A_R_Rahman,Saira_Banu_From_The_Audio_release_of_'Enthiran_-_The_Robot'.jpg|right|thumb|Rahman with his wife Sairaa.]]
*I've always told him, a composer is someone who composes soulful music. There are some of A.R.'s songs that have made me very emotional and I have cried. It is something that he creates from within.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

*The Oscar is definitely the biggest moment in my life. I know he has won so many awards. But this one is special because he is representing India.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

* He's not imitative, he spaces himself out unlike other directors who sign up whatever they can get and are looking at quantity rather than quality. As a result, in 60 per cent to 70 per cent of the cases he delivers.
**Amit Khanna in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*He works less but he has given Indian music a completely different sound which has worked.
** Mani Ratnam in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*We didn’t know what kind of music we’d make, we didn’t know if it would be any good, but we hoped we’d have fun. He brings so much musical knowledge, amazing musicianship, melody and singing power from a different culture.
**Mick Jagger’s views {{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

===Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win===
&lt;small&gt; On Rehman getting Oscar Awards for [[w:Slumdog Millionaire|Slumdog Millionaire]]{{Cite news|url=http://www.indianexpress.com/news/film-fraternity-hails-rahman-pookutty-for-win/427046/0|title=Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win|date=23 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Indian Express}}&lt;/small&gt;
*As A R Rahman and Resul Pookutty scripted history by picking up three Oscars for &quot;Slumdog Millionaire.
*What a film and what a team to work with. The spirit of the film is reflected in its team. [Rahman]  with &quot;changing the entire face of Indian film music.
**[[w:Gulzar|Gulzar]], the lyricist of the film who was also mentioned in the Oscar award
*May he win such an award every year. He is a genius. Rahman's music is a blend of a little South Indian music and what we commonly call Hindi film music.
**[[w:Lata Mangeshkar|Lata Mangeshkar]] hailed Rahman.
*Rahman is a genius and has made the world sit up and take notice of Indian talent with his success. He has put the Indian film industry on the world map.&quot;
**[[w:Asha Bhonsle|Asha Bhonsle's]] comments.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* [http://www.arrahman.com/ Official website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rahman, A. R.}}
[[Category:Composers from India]]
[[Category:Musicians from India]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters]]
[[Category:Record producers]]
[[Category:Philanthropists]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]
[[Category:Sufis]]
[[Category:People from Chennai]]</text>
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      <text bytes="13425" sha1="nzzmaii90gnfqq6x1sr81qlcv9jqvjo" xml:space="preserve">[[File:A.R.Rahman at 57th FF Awards.jpg|right|thumb| A. R. Rahman, the Mozart of Madras]]
'''[[w:A.R.Rahman|Allah-Rakha Rahman]]''' (born '''A. S. Dileep Kumar''' on [[January 6]], [[1967]]) is a [[w:Nigga|nigga]].

Rahman redefined the contemporary [[w:Indian music|Indian music]]. His works are notable for integrating [[w:Indian classical music|Eastern classical music]] with [[w:electronic music|electronic music]] sounds, [[w:world music|world music]] genres and traditional [[w:Orchestra|orchestral]] arrangements. [[w:Time (magazine|Time]] has described him as the world's most prominent and prolific film composer.

Rahman has won two Academy Awards, two [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], a [[w:British Academy Film Awards|BAFTA Award]], in addition to numerous Filmfare and other awards. His extensive body of work for film and the stage has earned him the nickname &quot;the Mozart of Madras&quot;. In 2009, Time placed Rahman in its list of [[w:World's Most Influential People|World's Most Influential People]]. The UK based World Music magazine Songlines named him one of 'Tomorrow's World Music Icons' in August 2011.

Rahman has also been honoured with the [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]], one of the highest Indian civilian award of the Government of India.

==Quotes==
*The reason I love 'Slumdog' is because the music is all world cultures, all celebrating. In India, I know people feel other film scores [of mine] are closer to their hearts. But when you are doing a film, it's very important to make the film look like one full piece of artwork. I think scoring 'Slumdog' with every kind of music possible, from Chinese to hip-hop to M.I.A. . . . was really fresh ground for me.
**Quoted in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/18/AR2009021803790.html|title= Slumdog' Composer Competes for Oscars|date= 19 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Washington Post}}

*I think musicians here [India] get ripped off. Music production houses take good care of artists abroad and though the upfront signing amount is much less than what I get here, the royalty takes care of future returns.
**In {{Cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/money/2002/sep/21bizsp.htm|title=A R Rahman: Composing a winning score |date=21 September 2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}

*[[w:Bombay|Bombay]], which sold about 120,000 copies, is widely rated as my most successful work, though Roja is definitely the score that brought me where I am today.
**In “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*An ideal world can definitely be created with a pure mind and optimistic results.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*I'm always fascinated by the innocence of children and the baggage that we carry as adults which manipulates our decisions.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/infinitelove.aspx|title=Infinite Love|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*The first day I was in a daze thinking, ‘What am I doing? What’s my role?’ and then slowly we started writing with each other, and it was great. It took me way back to my high school days when I was playing in a rock band.
**During the recording of music “SuperHeavy” quoted in &quot;What Is Superheavy?&quot;

===Original Score===
&lt;small&gt;{{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
* I wanted to produce film songs that go beyond language or culture.
*It's an approximate count. If you have a hit film, you'll sell 5 million or 6 million CDs. Of my movies, at least 20 or 25 were really big hits. [Mind you, he adds], in India, we don't get royalties. Otherwise I'd be a very rich man. I wouldn't have to come to America!
*Musical theater had become very predictable. I think Andrew felt that Bollywood musicals could be a new treat for the Western audience.

===A R Rahman: In tune with life===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite news|url=http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/A-R-Rahman-In-tune-with-life/articleshow/23791015.cms?|title= A R Rahman: In tune with life|date= 30 September  2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Times of India}}&lt;/small&gt;
*My mother's belief in spiritual healers grew stronger after our family went through a rough patch following my father's death. Sufi saint Karimullah Shah Kadri changed our lives and all of us converted to Sufism. But it wasn't an instantaneous decision — it took us 10 years to convert. The change in religion was like washing away the past.
*I never exert pressure on my children: I encourage the children, Katija and Rahima, to pursue their dreams. Rahima is embarrassed by autograph-seekers and doesn't want me to visit her school. In fact, I have never attended a single PTA meeting or gone to pick up the report cards of my children.
*Ever since I embraced Sufism, I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*I had been doing the same kind of stuff for 15-16 years and was desperately seeking a change. But there was no opportunity to reinterpret Indian music. With Roja, we wanted to strike a new note. [[w:Mani Ratnam|Mani's]] amazing visuals, Mutthu's romantic lyrics, relatively unknown singers... we wanted to impart to [[w:Roja|Roja]] an international flavour — and we succeeded.
*It needs a lot of courage to pick up someone from another country and support him. When I first heard from [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Andrew Lloyd Webber]] in 1999, he praised my work. But I must say that choosing me over others to compose for [[w:Bombay Dreams|Bombay Dreams]] was a brave decision.
*In my case, dust has become gold: Today, I work with people I grew up admiring. But, internally, I am the same person I always was. Ever since I embraced [[w:Sufism|Sufism]], I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*What one thinks is possible might not always be so. I try to do my best but, finally, everything lies in God's hands. I consider my skills as a musician to be a blessing from God. Even today, before I perform, I am unsure of whether I will be able to move my audience. I leave everything to Him... He pulls the strings in my life.

===The A R Rahman Chat===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/chat/rahmchat.htm|title=The A R Rahman Chat|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
*The way I work takes more time for me to get satisfaction. So it's better to take lesser load and do better work. Money can be earned anytime.
*The trend in the north is more Punjabi folk and simple music. But, in the past, people like [[w:Naushad|Naushad]] experimented with [[w:Hindustani classical music|Hindustani classical music]] which I think has been completely forgotten. People don't experiment anymore and think that Hindustani classical music won't work. For me, coming from the south, it was just a little step to learn Punjabi music. The nuances are louder in [[w:Punjabi music|Punjabi music]]. Songs like ''Mukkala muqqabla'' or ''Humma humma'' had more of the Tamil folk music in it.
*[[w:Jazz|Jazz]] was my passion for a little while. I felt that all other kinds of music were stupid when I was into jazz. But I got over the addiction very soon
*The ultimate enjoyment for a composer is when his compositions get recognised and appreciated. For me, a small village in [[w:Kanyakumari|Kanyakumari]] is as important as New York or France.
*Yes, 6 songs... [[w:Thiruda Thiruda|Thiruda Thiruda]]: Great. I felt honoured since it was the last song [[w:Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan|Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan]] did before his death. We miss him a lot, it was an emotional bond in the 50th year to bring a synergy between India and [[w:Pakistan|Pakistan]].

==About A.R.Rahman==

*Rahman, the world's most prolific and popular composer, lent his irrepressible melodic gift to [[w:Danny Boyle|Danny Boyle's]] Slumdog Millionaire, set in Rahman's native land, and nearly tops himself here with music that is tense, oppressive and finally exalting.
** Richard Corliss in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}

*The billboard outside the Broadway Theatre reads, A R RAHMAN'S BOMBAY DREAMS. That name may mean little to musical-theater devotees, but in the rest of the world it's golden. Like Gershwin or Lennon-McCartney, the name stands for melody, quality, energy, instant hummability — a sound both personal and universal, devouring many older forms and transforming them into something gorgeously new.
** Richard Corliss in Time  quoted in &quot;The Mozart of Madras&quot;.

*In India, a country of a billion inhabitants, where film and pop music are one, A.R. Rahman, 43, dominates the music industry so totally that he has supplied the sound track for a whole generation. He enjoys the godlike devotion of India's youth, but everyone from the street child who sweeps train platforms to the middle-aged doctor in Mumbai's posh Malabar Hill hums his tune.
**[[w:Padma Lakshmi|Padma Lakshmi]] in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1894410_1893836_1894435,00.html|title=A.R. Rahman|date= 30  April 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}
*Now the &quot;Mozart of Madras&quot; has the world's foot tapping along with him.
**Padma Lakshmi in &quot;A.R. Rahman&quot;.

*[Rahman sees music] as a way to connect to spirituality and embrace it [and for] creating harmony in troubled times.
**{{cite news|url=http://www.hindustantimes.com/news-feed/archived-stories/hollywood-calling-rahman/article1-484246.aspx|title=Hollywood calling Rahman|date= 8 December 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Hindustan Times}}

*Commended, multi-talented and innovative Rahman for bringing East and West closer through music and for making the world look at Indian film music more seriously. Diversity of his styles and themes was appealing to different sections of the society.
** Rajan Zed in “Hollywood calling Rehman”.
[[File:A_R_Rahman,Saira_Banu_From_The_Audio_release_of_'Enthiran_-_The_Robot'.jpg|right|thumb|Rahman with his wife Sairaa.]]
*I've always told him, a composer is someone who composes soulful music. There are some of A.R.'s songs that have made me very emotional and I have cried. It is something that he creates from within.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

*The Oscar is definitely the biggest moment in my life. I know he has won so many awards. But this one is special because he is representing India.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

* He's not imitative, he spaces himself out unlike other directors who sign up whatever they can get and are looking at quantity rather than quality. As a result, in 60 per cent to 70 per cent of the cases he delivers.
**Amit Khanna in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*He works less but he has given Indian music a completely different sound which has worked.
** Mani Ratnam in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*We didn’t know what kind of music we’d make, we didn’t know if it would be any good, but we hoped we’d have fun. He brings so much musical knowledge, amazing musicianship, melody and singing power from a different culture.
**Mick Jagger’s views {{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

===Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win===
&lt;small&gt; On Rehman getting Oscar Awards for [[w:Slumdog Millionaire|Slumdog Millionaire]]{{Cite news|url=http://www.indianexpress.com/news/film-fraternity-hails-rahman-pookutty-for-win/427046/0|title=Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win|date=23 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Indian Express}}&lt;/small&gt;
*As A R Rahman and Resul Pookutty scripted history by picking up three Oscars for &quot;Slumdog Millionaire.
*What a film and what a team to work with. The spirit of the film is reflected in its team. [Rahman]  with &quot;changing the entire face of Indian film music.
**[[w:Gulzar|Gulzar]], the lyricist of the film who was also mentioned in the Oscar award
*May he win such an award every year. He is a genius. Rahman's music is a blend of a little South Indian music and what we commonly call Hindi film music.
**[[w:Lata Mangeshkar|Lata Mangeshkar]] hailed Rahman.
*Rahman is a genius and has made the world sit up and take notice of Indian talent with his success. He has put the Indian film industry on the world map.&quot;
**[[w:Asha Bhonsle|Asha Bhonsle's]] comments.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* [http://www.arrahman.com/ Official website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rahman, A. R.}}
[[Category:Composers from India]]
[[Category:Musicians from India]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters]]
[[Category:Record producers]]
[[Category:Philanthropists]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]
[[Category:Sufis]]
[[Category:People from Chennai]]</text>
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      <text bytes="13524" sha1="j83xg09pc3tiajis2dyoaeyiz4ve1ma" xml:space="preserve">[[File:A.R.Rahman at 57th FF Awards.jpg|right|thumb| A. R. Rahman, the Mozart of Madras]]
'''[[w:A.R.Rahman|Allah-Rakha Rahman]]''' (born '''A. S. Dileep Kumar''' on [[January 6]], [[1967]]) is an [[w:Indian|Indian]] composer, singer-songwriter, music producer, musician, multi-instrumentalist and philanthropist.

Rahman redefined the contemporary [[w:Indian music|Indian music]]. His works are notable for integrating [[w:Indian classical music|Eastern classical music]] with [[w:electronic music|electronic music]] sounds, [[w:world music|world music]] genres and traditional [[w:Orchestra|orchestral]] arrangements. [[w:Time (magazine|Time]] has described him as the world's most prominent and prolific film composer.

Rahman has won two Academy Awards, two [[w:Grammy Awards|Grammy Awards]], a [[w:British Academy Film Awards|BAFTA Award]], in addition to numerous Filmfare and other awards. His extensive body of work for film and the stage has earned him the nickname &quot;the Mozart of Madras&quot;. In 2009, Time placed Rahman in its list of [[w:World's Most Influential People|World's Most Influential People]]. The UK based World Music magazine Songlines named him one of 'Tomorrow's World Music Icons' in August 2011.

Rahman has also been honoured with the [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]], one of the highest Indian civilian award of the Government of India.

==Quotes==
*The reason I love 'Slumdog' is because the music is all world cultures, all celebrating. In India, I know people feel other film scores [of mine] are closer to their hearts. But when you are doing a film, it's very important to make the film look like one full piece of artwork. I think scoring 'Slumdog' with every kind of music possible, from Chinese to hip-hop to M.I.A. . . . was really fresh ground for me.
**Quoted in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/18/AR2009021803790.html|title= Slumdog' Composer Competes for Oscars|date= 19 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Washington Post}}

*I think musicians here [India] get ripped off. Music production houses take good care of artists abroad and though the upfront signing amount is much less than what I get here, the royalty takes care of future returns.
**In {{Cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/money/2002/sep/21bizsp.htm|title=A R Rahman: Composing a winning score |date=21 September 2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}

*[[w:Bombay|Bombay]], which sold about 120,000 copies, is widely rated as my most successful work, though Roja is definitely the score that brought me where I am today.
**In “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*An ideal world can definitely be created with a pure mind and optimistic results.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*I'm always fascinated by the innocence of children and the baggage that we carry as adults which manipulates our decisions.
**{{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/infinitelove.aspx|title=Infinite Love|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

*The first day I was in a daze thinking, ‘What am I doing? What’s my role?’ and then slowly we started writing with each other, and it was great. It took me way back to my high school days when I was playing in a rock band.
**During the recording of music “SuperHeavy” quoted in &quot;What Is Superheavy?&quot;

===Original Score===
&lt;small&gt;{{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
* I wanted to produce film songs that go beyond language or culture.
*It's an approximate count. If you have a hit film, you'll sell 5 million or 6 million CDs. Of my movies, at least 20 or 25 were really big hits. [Mind you, he adds], in India, we don't get royalties. Otherwise I'd be a very rich man. I wouldn't have to come to America!
*Musical theater had become very predictable. I think Andrew felt that Bollywood musicals could be a new treat for the Western audience.

===A R Rahman: In tune with life===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite news|url=http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/A-R-Rahman-In-tune-with-life/articleshow/23791015.cms?|title= A R Rahman: In tune with life|date= 30 September  2002|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Times of India}}&lt;/small&gt;
*My mother's belief in spiritual healers grew stronger after our family went through a rough patch following my father's death. Sufi saint Karimullah Shah Kadri changed our lives and all of us converted to Sufism. But it wasn't an instantaneous decision — it took us 10 years to convert. The change in religion was like washing away the past.
*I never exert pressure on my children: I encourage the children, Katija and Rahima, to pursue their dreams. Rahima is embarrassed by autograph-seekers and doesn't want me to visit her school. In fact, I have never attended a single PTA meeting or gone to pick up the report cards of my children.
*Ever since I embraced Sufism, I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*I had been doing the same kind of stuff for 15-16 years and was desperately seeking a change. But there was no opportunity to reinterpret Indian music. With Roja, we wanted to strike a new note. [[w:Mani Ratnam|Mani's]] amazing visuals, Mutthu's romantic lyrics, relatively unknown singers... we wanted to impart to [[w:Roja|Roja]] an international flavour — and we succeeded.
*It needs a lot of courage to pick up someone from another country and support him. When I first heard from [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Andrew Lloyd Webber]] in 1999, he praised my work. But I must say that choosing me over others to compose for [[w:Bombay Dreams|Bombay Dreams]] was a brave decision.
*In my case, dust has become gold: Today, I work with people I grew up admiring. But, internally, I am the same person I always was. Ever since I embraced [[w:Sufism|Sufism]], I have learnt to separate myself from my desires and my success. Now, I can distance myself from all the adulation showered on me.
*What one thinks is possible might not always be so. I try to do my best but, finally, everything lies in God's hands. I consider my skills as a musician to be a blessing from God. Even today, before I perform, I am unsure of whether I will be able to move my audience. I leave everything to Him... He pulls the strings in my life.

===The A R Rahman Chat===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite web|url=http://www.rediff.com/chat/rahmchat.htm|title=The A R Rahman Chat|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Rediff.com}}&lt;/small&gt;
*The way I work takes more time for me to get satisfaction. So it's better to take lesser load and do better work. Money can be earned anytime.
*The trend in the north is more Punjabi folk and simple music. But, in the past, people like [[w:Naushad|Naushad]] experimented with [[w:Hindustani classical music|Hindustani classical music]] which I think has been completely forgotten. People don't experiment anymore and think that Hindustani classical music won't work. For me, coming from the south, it was just a little step to learn Punjabi music. The nuances are louder in [[w:Punjabi music|Punjabi music]]. Songs like ''Mukkala muqqabla'' or ''Humma humma'' had more of the Tamil folk music in it.
*[[w:Jazz|Jazz]] was my passion for a little while. I felt that all other kinds of music were stupid when I was into jazz. But I got over the addiction very soon
*The ultimate enjoyment for a composer is when his compositions get recognised and appreciated. For me, a small village in [[w:Kanyakumari|Kanyakumari]] is as important as New York or France.
*Yes, 6 songs... [[w:Thiruda Thiruda|Thiruda Thiruda]]: Great. I felt honoured since it was the last song [[w:Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan|Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan]] did before his death. We miss him a lot, it was an emotional bond in the 50th year to bring a synergy between India and [[w:Pakistan|Pakistan]].

==About A.R.Rahman==

*Rahman, the world's most prolific and popular composer, lent his irrepressible melodic gift to [[w:Danny Boyle|Danny Boyle's]] Slumdog Millionaire, set in Rahman's native land, and nearly tops himself here with music that is tense, oppressive and finally exalting.
** Richard Corliss in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2044968_2052929_2053238,00.html #ixzz2nc9lDMhz|title=Original Score|date= 22 February 2011|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}

*The billboard outside the Broadway Theatre reads, A R RAHMAN'S BOMBAY DREAMS. That name may mean little to musical-theater devotees, but in the rest of the world it's golden. Like Gershwin or Lennon-McCartney, the name stands for melody, quality, energy, instant hummability — a sound both personal and universal, devouring many older forms and transforming them into something gorgeously new.
** Richard Corliss in Time  quoted in &quot;The Mozart of Madras&quot;.

*In India, a country of a billion inhabitants, where film and pop music are one, A.R. Rahman, 43, dominates the music industry so totally that he has supplied the sound track for a whole generation. He enjoys the godlike devotion of India's youth, but everyone from the street child who sweeps train platforms to the middle-aged doctor in Mumbai's posh Malabar Hill hums his tune.
**[[w:Padma Lakshmi|Padma Lakshmi]] in {{Cite web|url=http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1894410_1893836_1894435,00.html|title=A.R. Rahman|date= 30  April 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Time.com}}
*Now the &quot;Mozart of Madras&quot; has the world's foot tapping along with him.
**Padma Lakshmi in &quot;A.R. Rahman&quot;.

*[Rahman sees music] as a way to connect to spirituality and embrace it [and for] creating harmony in troubled times.
**{{cite news|url=http://www.hindustantimes.com/news-feed/archived-stories/hollywood-calling-rahman/article1-484246.aspx|title=Hollywood calling Rahman|date= 8 December 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Hindustan Times}}

*Commended, multi-talented and innovative Rahman for bringing East and West closer through music and for making the world look at Indian film music more seriously. Diversity of his styles and themes was appealing to different sections of the society.
** Rajan Zed in “Hollywood calling Rehman”.
[[File:A_R_Rahman,Saira_Banu_From_The_Audio_release_of_'Enthiran_-_The_Robot'.jpg|right|thumb|Rahman with his wife Sairaa.]]
*I've always told him, a composer is someone who composes soulful music. There are some of A.R.'s songs that have made me very emotional and I have cried. It is something that he creates from within.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

*The Oscar is definitely the biggest moment in my life. I know he has won so many awards. But this one is special because he is representing India.
** His wife, Sairaa in &quot;Slumdog Composer Competes for Oscars&quot;.

* He's not imitative, he spaces himself out unlike other directors who sign up whatever they can get and are looking at quantity rather than quality. As a result, in 60 per cent to 70 per cent of the cases he delivers.
**Amit Khanna in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*He works less but he has given Indian music a completely different sound which has worked.
** Mani Ratnam in “A R Rahman: Composing a winning score”.

*We didn’t know what kind of music we’d make, we didn’t know if it would be any good, but we hoped we’d have fun. He brings so much musical knowledge, amazing musicianship, melody and singing power from a different culture.
**Mick Jagger’s views {{Cite web|url=http://www.arrahman.com/superheavy.aspx|title=Superheavy|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Official website of ARRahman}}

===Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win===
&lt;small&gt; On Rehman getting Oscar Awards for [[w:Slumdog Millionaire|Slumdog Millionaire]]{{Cite news|url=http://www.indianexpress.com/news/film-fraternity-hails-rahman-pookutty-for-win/427046/0|title=Film fraternity hails Rahman, Pookutty for win|date=23 February 2009|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Indian Express}}&lt;/small&gt;
*As A R Rahman and Resul Pookutty scripted history by picking up three Oscars for &quot;Slumdog Millionaire.
*What a film and what a team to work with. The spirit of the film is reflected in its team. [Rahman]  with &quot;changing the entire face of Indian film music.
**[[w:Gulzar|Gulzar]], the lyricist of the film who was also mentioned in the Oscar award
*May he win such an award every year. He is a genius. Rahman's music is a blend of a little South Indian music and what we commonly call Hindi film music.
**[[w:Lata Mangeshkar|Lata Mangeshkar]] hailed Rahman.
*Rahman is a genius and has made the world sit up and take notice of Indian talent with his success. He has put the Indian film industry on the world map.&quot;
**[[w:Asha Bhonsle|Asha Bhonsle's]] comments.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* [http://www.arrahman.com/ Official website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rahman, A. R.}}
[[Category:Composers from India]]
[[Category:Musicians from India]]
[[Category:1967 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters]]
[[Category:Record producers]]
[[Category:Philanthropists]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]
[[Category:Sufis]]
[[Category:People from Chennai]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Lego Movie</title>
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'''''[[w:The Lego Movie|The Lego Movie]]''''' is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] animated comedy film about an ordinary LEGO construction worker, thought to be the prophesized &quot;special&quot;, who is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil diabolical tyrant from gluing the LEGO universe into his own selfish vision of perfection.

:''Directed and written by [[w:Phil Lord and Christopher Miller|Phil Lord and Christopher Miller]]. Story by Dan Hageman, Kevin Hageman, Phil Lord and Christopher Miller.''
{{center|'''The story of a nobody who saved everybody.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Emmet ==
* Step &lt;math&gt;1&lt;/math&gt;: Breathe ( ''breathes deeply'' )
* Step &lt;math&gt;2&lt;/math&gt;: Greet the Day, Smile and Say
* Step &lt;math&gt;3&lt;/math&gt;: Exercise
* Step &lt;math&gt;4&lt;/math&gt;: Shower

== Dialogue ==
:''[The followed logos are Universal Pictures/Warner Bros. Pictures/Warner Animation Group and Village Roadshow Pictures in the Lego variation; the camera shows a lava appears, revealing it was a lava world; deep within the Lego mountain, Vitruvius is guarding something when he senses someone approaching.]''
:'''Vitruvius''': He's coming... Cover your butt. ''[cut to two knights guarding the door]''
:'''Knight''': Cover the what? ''[Lord Business bursts in, knocking the door two guards off the bridge]''
:'''Lord Business''': ''[laughs evilly, removed his mask as the camera zooms in and turns left angle]'' Vitruvius! ''[cut to Vitruvius as the camera also zooms in and turns right angle]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Lord Business. ''[cut to Lord Business as extends his legs and Vitruvius]''
:'''Lord Business''': You've hidden the Kragle well, old man. ''[cuts to Lord Business]'' Robots, destroy him!
:'''Robot''': ''[monotone]'' Yes, Lord Business. ''[the robots marched in; cuts to Vitruvius]''
:'''Vitruvius''': ''[he summons bats to attack Lord Business]'' Your robots are no match for a Master Builder, for I see everything! ''[a red laser pointer shoots at Vitruvius, blinding him]'' My eyes! Ow!
:'''Lord Business''': ''[after knocking down Vitruvius, Lord Business goes over to the Kragle]'' The Kragle, the most powerful super weapon is mine. ''[He opens the case. We see something glowing]'' Oh, the Kragle! ''[laughs evilly as his horns shoot fire]'' Now my evil power will be unlimited! Can you feel me?!
:'''Robot''': I can feel you. ''[his robots start carrying the Kragle away]''
:'''Lord Business''': WHOO! Nothing's gonna stop me now!
:'''Vitruvius''': Wait, there's a prophecy.
:'''Lord Business''': Oh, ''now'' there's a prophecy.
:'''Vitruvius''': About the Piece of Resistance.
:'''Lord Business''': ''[he turns to Vitruvius]'' Oh, yes, the supposed missing Piece of Resistance that can somehow magically disarm the Kragle, gimme a break! ''[Vitruvius rises and turns to face Lord Business, suddenly, his eyes shine brightly]''
:'''Vitruvius''': ''[as he tells the prophecy, his glowing eyes visions of the Lego brick; a Lego minifigure; and the minifigure falls down into strange world]'' ''One day a talented lass or fellow, a Special one with face of yellow, will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground, and with a noble army at the helm, this Master Builder will thwart the Kragle and save the realm, and be the greatest, most interesting, most important person of all times, all this is true, because it rhymes.''
:'''Lord Business''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, wow, that was a great, inspiring legend... that ''you made up.''
:''[Business kicks Vitruvius screaming off the ledge with his giant robot leg]''
:'''Lord Business''': A special one? What a bunch of hippy-dippy baloney!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the scene cuts to the card '8½ Years Later'; fades to Emmet Brickowski waking up in his apartment and turns off his alarm; cut to his bedroom view; he gets out bed, yawns and stretches, and walks through to his living room as the camera pans left]''
:'''Emmet Brickowski''': Good morning, apartment! Good morning, doorway! Good morning, wall. Good morning, ceiling. Good morning, floor! Ready to start the day! ''[cuts to the row of bookshelf; he looks for it and grabs a book from a shelf]'' Ah, here it is! ''[cuts to a close-up instruction book; he reads the front cover manual]'' The instructions to fit in, have everybody like you, and always be happy! Step one; breathe. ''[cuts to Emmet inhales and exhales deeply]'' Okay, got that one down. ''[cuts to the page of instruction book]'' Step two; greet the day, smile and say... ''[cut to exterior apartment; all the Lego citizens opening their windows and yelling]''
:'''LEGO® Citizens''': Good morning, city! ''[the citizens all say, &quot;Good morning, city!&quot;; camera zooms out to show the city]''
:'''Citizen''': Good morning, city!
:'''Citizen''': Top of the morning to you, city! ''[cuts to Emmet continuing with the instructions from the manual]''
:'''Emmet''': Step three; exercise. Jumping Jacks him 'em! ''[he start jumping on the spot]'' One! Two! Three! I am so pumped up! ''[cuts to the page of instruction book]'' Step four; shower. ''[cuts to Emmet gets in the shower and starts washing himself]'' And always be sure to keep the soap out of your--! ''[he screams as the soap gets into his eyes; cuts Emmet standing in front of the bathroom mirror shaving]'' Shave your face, brush your teeth. Comb your hair. ''[he laughs to himself as he brushes his hair; cuts to the page of instruction book]'' Wear clothes. ''[cuts to Emmet walking out of his apartment naked until he realizes]'' Oop! Almost forgot that one! ''[he turns back into his apartment; cut to his bedroom quickly trying on different outfits]'' No. No. Uh-uh. No. Not that. Wrong. ''[he finally wears his construction uniform]'' And that's it, check. ''[cuts to kitchen, where Emmet is making breakfast]'' Step nine; eat a complete breakfast with all the special people in your life. ''[cut to him sitting in his living room eating his breakfast alone, he turns to his plant]'' Hey, planty! What do you want to do this morning? Watch TV? Me too! ''[he turns on the television; cuts to the front TV showing President Business giving a presentation]''
:'''President Business''': Hi, I'm President Business, president of the Octan Corporation and the World. Let's all take extra care to follow the instructions... ''[whispers into microphone]'' ...or you WILL be put to sleep. ''[shouting]'' And DON'T forget Taco Tuesday's coming next week! ''[mariachi band shows up and confetti falls down as they celebrating and dancing]'' That's the day every rule-following citizen gets a free taco and my love! Have a great day, everybody! ''[cut to Emmet]''
:'''Emmet''': You have a great day, too, President Business. Man, he's such a cool guy. I always wanna hear more of... wait! Did he say put to sleep?! ''[suddenly, Emmet gets distracted by the TV showing a promo of a sitcom]''
:'''TV Presenter''': Tonight on &quot;Where are my Pants?&quot;
:'''Actor on TV Show''': Honey? Where are my pants? ''[he steps out showing that he's not wearing any pants and we hear canned laughter; cut to Emmet laughs hard at this and falls of the couch]''
:'''Emmet''': What was I just thinking? I don't care. ''[scene cuts to the page of instruction book]'' Step 11: Greet your neighbors. ''[camera pans right to Emmet’s neighbors walk by]'' Hey Joe, Hey Mel, Hey Surfer Dave,
:'''Surfer Dave''': Hey, brah. ''[cuts to Sherrie packing the cats to the car]''
:'''Emmet''': Good morning, Sherrie, ''[Sherrie’s cats walk by]'' oh hey Jasmine ('''Jasmine''': Meow.), hey Dexter ('''Dexter''': Meow.), hey Luke ('''Luke''': Meow.), hey LeRoy ('''LeRoy''': Meow.), hey Fluffy ('''Fluffy''': Meow.), hey Fluffy Jr. ('''Fluffy Jr.''': Meow.), hey Fluffy Sr. ('''Fluffy Sr.''': Meow.), hey Jeff ('''Jeff''': Meow.).

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': Step 13: Enjoy popular music.
:'''Radio DJ''': ''[he turns on the radio]'' ''Top of the charts again, it's ''Everything Is Awesome''.''
:'''Emmet''': Oh, my gosh! I ''love'' this song! ''[Everything Is Awesome starts playing]'' Always use the turn signal, park between the lines. ''[Emmet and everyone else parks in exactly the same way]'' Yes! Drop off dry cleaning before noon, read the headlines, don't forget to smile. ''[waves and smiles to everyone as he walks down the street]'' 
:'''Paper Boy''': Paper!
:'''Emmet''': Always root for the local sports team. ''[a train full of passengers appears]''
:'''LEGO® Citizens''': Go, '''SPORTS TEAM!!'''
:'''Emmet''': Always return a compliment. ''[to the male Lego citizen stepping out of the coffee shop]'' Hey, you look nice!
:'''LEGO® Citizens''': ''[turn to Emmet]'' So do you!
:'''Emmet''': Drink overpriced coffee! ''[inside the coffee shop he buys a coffee]''
:'''Larry The Barista''': Here you go, that's $37. ''[Emmet looks at him for a moment before replying with excitement]''
:'''Emmet''': ''[Laughing]'' Awesome! ''[Emmet walks to work with his overpriced coffee following the line of all the other construction workers doing exactly the same]''
:'''Construction Worker''': Did you see ''Where are my Pants?'' last night? ''[everyone laughs and replies at the same time]''
:'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Classic episode!''
:'''Foreman''': ''[“Everything Is Awesome&quot; continues to play in the background as the Lego construction workers get into position]'' Instructions coming in from central. Okay, it says here that anything that's weird then blow it up! ''[the workers start blowing up the buildings]'' All right, Cylinder-Heads, let's make it look exactly like it does in the instructions!
:'''Construction Worker #1''': Hey, buddy! I need one-by-two keyhole!
:'''Emmet''': No problem, Michael.
:'''Construction Worker #2''': Two-by-two macaroni over here.
:'''Emmet''': Two-by-two macaroni flying in! Here's one, Mel.
:'''Construction Worker #3''': Guys, got a one-by-one with an indented stud on one side!
:'''Foreman''': Cheese, look, cheese slopes, come on, everybody!
:'''Emmet''': Roger that, Roger.
:'''Construction Worker #4''': Look alive, coming at you.
:'''Construction Worker #5''': Can I get a couple LURPs over here?
:'''Emmet''': Thanks, Gail.
:'''Construction Worker #6''': Guys, watch me drill this down.
:''[everyone cheers]''
:'''Construction Workers''': ''[they all start singing along to &quot;Everything Is Awesome&quot;.]''
:'''Emmet''': Man, I feel so good right now! I can sing this song for hours! ''[5 hours later]'' ''[everyone at the construction site is still singing &quot;Everything Is Awesome&quot; and it's finally coming to the end of the day]''
:'''Barry''': When you're part of a team! ''[an explosion occurs, and everyone cheers]'' Yeah, I'm gonna the sports bar after work tonight, who wants to eat some delicious chicken wings and get ''[Gail laughs]'' '''CRRRRAAAAAAZZZZZYYY?!''' ''[as the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention]''
:'''Emmet''': Chicken wings? I love chicken wings!
:'''Construction Worker #6''': Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy?
:'''Emmet''': Croissants? I love croissants!
:'''Construction Worker #7''': Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages!
:'''Emmet''': Giant sausages, no way! ''[nobody pays Emmet any attention as he tries to join them]'' You know what I love to do? Is share a meal with the special people in my life, Fred, Barry, Gail, me and y...? ''[Emmet runs into a construction post and falls. A gust of wind blows his instructions away]'' Ah, no guys, wait up! Okay, I'll meet you there! ''[Emmet chases after his instruction manual as the wind continues to carry it off]'' Oh, where did it go? ''[he finds the manual lying on some Lego rubble]'' Oh, there you are. ''[Emmet laughs, relieved, as he retrieves the manual and turns to leave but stops when he hears a whoosh]'' I think I heard a whoosh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voice''': Hey…
:'''Emmet''': What is that?
:'''Voice''': Come here…
:'''Emmet''': What do I do? I don’t have my instructions!
:'''Voice''': Touch the Piece…
:'''Emmet''': I feel like maybe I should touch that.
:'''Voice''': ''It's so interesting... Touch the Piece... Touch the Piece... It's so interesting... Touch the Piece...'' ''[Emmet gets up and starts walking over to the giant block]''
:'''Emmet''': Uh... ''[becomes completely transfixed and steps over his instruction manual]''
:'''Voice''': ''Touch the--''
:''[he slowly extends his hand, touches the block, and gets several visions, which include Vitruvius reciting the Piece of Resistance prophecy]''
:'''Vitruvius''': ''A Special one with face of yellow...'' ''[Emmet falls, screaming]'' ''...will make the Piece of Resistance found from its hiding refuge underground...'' ''[Emmet is still falling]'' ''...this Master Builder...'' ''[girl screams]'' ''...will thwart the Kragle and save the realm...''
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''Come on, everyone, protect the Special!''
:'''Vitruvius''': ''[Emmet then passes out]'' ''...the Special has arisen.''
:'''Boy''': ''It's your turn to be the hero.''
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[as Emmet slowly wakes, he hears Bad Cop's voice]'' ''Wake up.''
:'''Emmet''': ''[waking up]'' ''Ugh...''
:'''Bad Cop''': ''Come on, wake up! Where are the Master Builders?! How did you find the Piece of Resistance?! Eh?! Where are the others hiding?''
:'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet hears a voice interrogating him as he opens his eyes]'' ''[in normal voice]'' Good morning, apartment...?
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[in normal voice]'' Wake up! ''[shines a light onto Emmet making him immediately awake]'' 
:'''Emmet''': Aah!
:'''Bad Cop''': How did you find the Piece of Resistance?!
:'''Emmet''': The Piece of what??
:'''Bad Cop''': The Piece of Resistance. ''[Bad Cop knocks a chair aside in anger. We see Emmet is being held in an interrogation room with his hands shackled to a chair.]''
:'''Emmet''': I- I- I don't- where am I? What's happening?!
:'''Bad Cop''': What's happening? Playing dumb, Master Builder.
:'''Emmet''': No, I... &quot;Master Builder&quot;?
:'''Bad Cop''': Oh, so you've never heard of the prophecy?
:'''Emmet''': No, I...
:'''Bad Cop''': Or the Special?
:'''Emmet''': No! No, I...
:'''Bad Cop''': You're a liar! We'll ''kill'' ya. ''[Bad Cop backflips and starts to kick and wrestle a chair.]''
:'''Emmet''': Look, um... ''[Bad Cop chuckles]'' I watch a lot of cop shows on TV. Isn't there supposed to also be a-? Isn't there supposed to be a Good Cop?! ''[Emmet ducks as Bad Cop throws the chair to the wall]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Oh, yes. But we're not done yet. ''[switches head]''
:'''Good Cop''': Hi, buddy! [[Spider-Man (2002 film)|I'm your friendly neighborhood police officer!]] Would you like a glass of water?
:'''Emmet''': Yeah, actually that sounds-
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[switches back to his face]'' Too bad! ''[smacks the glass away]'' Security cameras picked up this. ''[grunts]'' You were found at the construction site convulsing with a strange piece.
:'''Emmet''': That's disgusting!
:'''Bad Cop''': Then why is it permanently stuck to your back?
:'''Emmet''': ''[peers back, sees that The Piece of Resistance is glued onto his back, and screams in alarm]'' Get it off me! It won't come off, it's chasing me! Look, it's not my fault! I have no idea how this thing got on my back!
:'''Good Cop''': Of course, buddy. I believe you!
:'''Emmet''': Great! ''[suddenly Bad Cop appears beside Emmet, making him scream]''
:'''Bad Cop''': I &quot;believe&quot; you, too. You see the quotations I'm making with my claw hands? It means I ''don't'' believe ''YOU.'' [grabs emmet] Why else would you show up with that thing on your back just three days before President Business is going to use the Kragle to end the world?
:'''Emmet''': President Business is gonna end the world? But he's such a good guy. And Octan, they make good stuff: ''[flashback books]'' Music, dairy products, coffee, TV shows, surveillance systems, all history books, voting machines... ''[flashback ends]'' ...Wait a minute. 
:'''Bad Cop''': Come on, you can't be ''this'' stupid.
:'''Lord Business''': ''(Look, I just wanna to say messing with my stuff.)''
:'''Emmet''': Look, that is a misunderstanding. I'm just a regular, normal, ordinary guy, and I'm late to meet my best friends in the whole world, and they're probably missing me right now. They're probably out looking around! &quot;Hey, where's Emmet? Hey, where's my best friend Emmet?&quot; And you know what? Ask all my friends, they'll tell you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': ''[devastated]'' There you go. I told you I was a nobody.
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[sighs]'' It's the perfect cover.
:'''Emmet''': Cover?! Cover for what?!
:'''Bad Cop''': I can't break him. [[The Rescuers|''Take him to the melting chamber (and do nothing. Lord Business gonna kill me!)'']]
:'''Emmet''': What?! ''[Cut into the meltin' chamber Emmet is straps to the meltin' device by robots with the blue laser pointer version]'' [[Wreck-It Ralph|'''''NOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOO!''''']] ''[turns to Good Cop]'' You're going to melt me?! Am I gonna die?!
:'''Good Cop''': You'll live! You'll be fine! ''[Bad Cop/Good Cop's phone rings. Bad Cop answers it as he switches back to his face]''
:'''Bad Cop''': President Business. I have him right here, sir. Yes, we've told him he'll live so he doesn't matter try to escaped, but um, we're lyin' to ''(kill)'' him. ''[Bad Cop hits the button to activate the melting device.]''
:'''Emmet''': Wait, what did he just say?!
:'''Robot''': Hold still!
:'''Emmet''': Wait! There's obviously been a mix-up here. You've got the wrong- ''[a blue laser pointer is shoots at Emmet's back to removal the Piece of Resistance]'' OW! Ow! Ow! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ow! This is gonna start hurting pretty soon!? ''[as the Robot starts to increase the heat while grinning menacingly, the hooded woman that Emmet had noticed in the construction site earlier suddenly appears, attacks the robots and goes to free Emmet]'' No, no, no! ''[Emmet closes his eyes as the hooded figure chops his shackles off.]'' ''[gasps]'' Whoa! Who are you?! ''[The figure takes off her hood to reveal her face and Emmet is transfixed again]'' It's you?
:'''Wyldstyle''': [[The Terminator|Come with me, if you wanna not die.]] ''[just as Emmet goes to grab her hand, Good Cop enters the chamber with a croissant.]''
:'''Good Cop''': Hi, everybody! How's the melting goi…? ''[he notices Emmet with Wyldstyle]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Hey, hey, hey, hey! ''[he starts shooting missed at Emmet and Wyldstyle]'' [[Toy Story|Red alert, red alert!]] I need everyone, repeat, everyone, to go after the ''SPECIAL. (Alright?) [Later]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': The tunnel’s that way! ''[Emmet falls into a trash can]''
:'''Emmet''': Ow! Oh, boy.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, sir, you’re brilliant! We’ll build a motorcycle out of the alleyway.
:'''Emmet''': Oh! So, uh, didn’t catch your name or anything about what you’re uh… up to or what we’re doing here.
:'''Wyldstyle''': It’s brilliant, sir, that you’ve pretended to be a useless nobody, but you can drop that act with me. It’s cool.
:'''Emmet''': Oh, the act! ''[Wyldstyle finishes building the motorcycle, and she starts it up]''
:'''Emmet: Woah!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Jump on! Let’s go!
:'''Emmet''': Hey, um...
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hang on, sir! ''[As they pull away, Bad Cop turns to go after them]''
:'''Bad Cop''': All units, cut him off on Elm, '''''NOW.'''''
:'''Good Cop''': ''[switches to his Good Cop side]'' Or, whenever you can.
:'''Robot''': 10-4, Bad Cop. ''[many squad cars block the road]''
:'''Emmet''': Watch out!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hold on! ''[she jumps the bike hopping over one squad car and drives up onto the monorail platform and onto the track as Emmet screams.]'' We need to meet up with Vitruvius and tell him the Piece has been found.
:'''Emmet''': Uh-huh.
:'''Bad Cop''': They're up on the monorail. Release the Copper Choppers. ''[the helicopter above them drops down a motorcycle with two cops in it, which begins to drive towards Emmet and Wyldstyle, firing a laser gun. Emmet shields himself from the fire as Wyldstyle pulls out a multi barrelled laser and returns fire. The motorcycle veers off leaving the two cops to crash head-on with a train.]''
:'''Emmet''': Oh no! ''[screams as a massive explosion occurs. The motorcycle lands onto the street below]'' Will you please tell me what is happening?!
:'''Wyldstyle''': I'm rescuing you, sir. You're the one that the prophecy spoke of. You're the Special.
:'''Emmet''': ''[whispers]'' Me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Emmet and Wyldstyle enter the secret tunnel that closes, which causes the police cars and helicopter to crash and burn up]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Darn, darn, darn, darny-darn!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lord Business''': Although, you did let the Piece of Resistance go. The one thing that can ruin my plans, the one thing that I asked you to take care of! ''[Lord Business comes over to Bad Cop and puts one arm around his shoulder]'' That's super frustrating, it makes me just wanna pick up whoever's standing closet to me and just... '''''THROW THEM THROUGH THIS WINDOW, AND OUT INTO THE INFINITE ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS!?''''' ''[camera pans down to show the abyss going to a different world then returns to the two, he picks up Bad Cop, takes him to the large glass window, and bangs his head against it]'' I wanna do it so bad!? 
:'''Bad Cop''': I know you do, sir. But please! Please, don't.
:'''Lord Business''': ''[as he throws Bad Cop aside]'' And it's not just you, Bad Cop, that keeps messing up my plans. People everywhere are always messing with my stuff. But I have a way to fix that. A way to keep things exactly the way they are supposed to be permanently. ''[he turns on his TV monitor which shows his robots carrying the box containing the Kragle]'' Behold the most powerful weapon of all the relics: ''[his robots open the box containing the Kragle and take it out]'' '''THE KRAGLE!''' ''[we see the Kragle is in fact an old tube of Krazy Glue, Bad Cop gasping and Lord Business]'' As you can see, they're loading the Kragle in a big machine upstairs. I call it: ''The &quot;Tentacle Arm Kragle Outside Sprayer&quot;'', or ''TAKOS''! The &quot;S&quot; is silent. So, on Taco Tuesday, it's going to spray the Kragle over everyone and everything with a bunch of super scary nozzles, like this one. ''[the tentacle reaches out and comes over to Bad Cop]'' I'll show you how it works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lord Business''': Just as I thought. Your Good Cop side's making you soft, Bad Cop. Robots, bring me the fleece crested sceptre of Q-teep and the Po-Leesh Remover of Nai-eel! ''[the robots bring him a big Q-tip and nail polish remover and Lord Business deeps one end into the polish before turning to Bad Cop]'' You've already let the Special get away once. ''[two of the robots hold Bad Cop]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Sir? ''(Wait!)''
:'''Lord Business''': I'm just gonna make sure it doesn't happen again. ''[one of the robots turns Bad Cop's face to Good Cop’s]'' [[The Rescuers Down Under|NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!]] ''[Business uses the end of the Q-tip with nail polish remover to wipe Good Cop's face off, after six scrubs and there’s nothing left to do]''
:'''Ma Cop''': ''[starts to weeps]'' Oh, son!
:'''Pa Cop''': Son, no!
:'''Lord Business''': On Taco Tuesday, I'm going to kragalize the entire universe so that everyone will stop MESSING WITH MY STUFF!? ''[turns to the now faceless Good Cop and tries to killed Bad Cop] ('''Bad Cop''': Why?! He’s gonna kill me!)'' Are you gonna be with me, or are you gonna be stuck having a tea party with your Mom &amp; Dad?!
:'''Pa Cop''': Son?
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[The now faceless Good Cop stands back up, only to switch to Bad Cop]'' Sorry, Dad. I have a job to do. ''[the TAKOS device powers up, he presses a button and the nozzle fires completely freezing them solid]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[to Emmet as they make their way through the saloon]'' Okay, let's find the wizard and get this over with. ''[as they make their way through, the patrons look at Emmet menacingly. Wyldstyle notices Vitruvius playing the piano at the saloon]'' Psst. There he is. ''[she goes over to him]'' Vitruvius.
:'''Vitruvius''': Who? I've never heard of that man, whom I am not. Who are you?
:'''Wyldstyle''': It's me.
:'''Vitruvius''': I am a blind man and cannot see.
:'''Wyldstyle''': It's Wyldstyle. 
:'''Vitruvius''': Are you a DJ?
:'''Wyldstyle''': No, why does everyone...?
:'''Vitiruvius''': Wait, wait, were you the student I used to have who was so insecure she kept changing her name? Yeah, first Dark Storm... Then Gemini, then there was Neversmile--- Then Freak Face... Then Snazzypants... ''[suddenly Vitruvius stops playing and turns to Wyldstyle]'' Meet me upstairs in 10 seconds. ''[he then turns and starts to walk off using his sceptre when suddenly he bangs into the wall]''
:''[10 seconds later; they meet upstairs and enter into a room full of stuff collected from all the different Lego worlds]''
:'''Emmet''': Oh, man. You have a very weirdly decorated place.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wyldstyle''': That would be great, but Emmet is the one who found the Piece. ''[Emmet turns and waves, chuckling]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Oh, okay. ''[turning to Emmet]'' Emmet, the prophecy states that ''you'' are the Special, the most talented-
:'''Wyldstyle''': I'm not sure he's the Special, actually- ''[Emmet chuckles]'' -because he's not even a Master Builder. Watch! Emmet, just given what's around you, build something simple.
:'''Emmet''': Ok.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Like an awesome race car.
:'''Emmet''': Great.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Go.
:'''Emmet''': Do you have the instructions?
:'''Vitruvius''': No. You must create the instructions in your mind, my liege.
:'''Emmet''': Ah. Ok. Race car. Um… Well, there's a lot of really cool stuff here. Don’t see a wheel… or… 3 more wheels.
:'''Wyldstyle''': See, he can't do it. He will never be a Master Builder!
:'''Vitruvius''': Of course not. Not if you keep telling him he can't. He needs to see that he can.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': ''[Vitruvius goes over to Emmet and puts his hands against Emmet's head]'' What are you doing? ''[Vitruvius pulls off Emmet's hair revealing his Lego head]''
:'''Vitruvius''': We are entering your mind.
:'''Emmet''': WHAT?!
:'''Vitruvius''': ...to prove that you have the unlocked potential to be a Master Builder. ''[starts chanting in a magical language; Vitruvius and Wyldstyle start bowing and moving around Emmet until finally we see all of them in Emmet's mind which is a vast empty space]''
:'''Emmet''': Whoa, are we inside my brain right now? It's big. I must be smart.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Mm-Hmmm.
:'''Vitruvius''': I'm not hearing a lot of activity here.
:'''Wyldstyle''': I don't think he's ever had an original thought in his life.
:'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' That's not true. For instance, one time I wanted to have a bunch of my friends over to watch TV. ''[a TV forms behind him]'' Not unlike this TV that just showed up magically. And not everybody could fit on my one couch. ''[a couch forms behind him]'' And I thought to myself, well, what if there’s such a thing as a bunk bed, but as a couch? ''[the couch forms into a double decker couch]'' Introducing the Double Decker Couch. So everyone could watch TV, together, and be buddies! ''[dead silence]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
:'''Vitruvius''': Please, Wyldstyle. Let me handle this. ''[to Emmet]'' That idea is just the worst.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vitruvius''': ''[as they float around Emmet's empty mind]'' There must be something around here that proves his potential. If The Man Upstairs chose him to the Special, there must be a reason.
:'''Emmet''': Who's The Man Upstairs?
:'''Wyldstyle''': See? He doesn't even know about The Man Upstairs.
:'''Emmet''': Does he have super gross hands that look like they're made out of big pink sausages, like eagle talons mixed with squid? ''[suddenly, they turn to see Emmet being raised up on a large human-like hand]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Wait. You've seen the...? ''[Emmet turns and notices he's standing on a large hand]''
:'''Emmet''': Wow! That's what I was just thinking about!
:'''Wyldstyle''': How did you...?
:'''Emmet''': I had this weird dream when I touched the Piece. Well, I...I mean I wasn't asleep, so it wasn't really dream...
:'''Vitruvius''': Emmet, you had a vision.
:'''Emmet''': I did?
:'''Vitruvius''': Master Builders spend years training themselves to clear their minds enough to have even a fleeting glimpse of The Man Upstairs. And yet, your mind is already so prodigiously empty that there is nothing in it to clear away in the first place. With proper training you could become a great Master Builder.
:'''Emmet''': I could?
:'''Vitruvius''': The prophecy chose you, Emmet.
:'''Emmet''': But I can't do any of the stuff that the prophecy says I'm supposed to do.
:'''Vitruvius''': All you have to do is to believe, then you will see everything. Are you ready, my son?
:'''Emmet''': Yes, I am. I think.
:'''Vitruvius''': Then, we haven't a moment to lose. We must assemble the Master Builders.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vitruvius''': ''[back in Vitruvius's room]'' These mechanical birds will get our message out. They will go to an internet cafe and email the remaining Master Builders who will meet us in the secret realm of Cloud Cuckoo Land. ''[he throws the birds out of the window]''
:'''Emmet''': Cuckoo Land? Wait, what happened to that whole training part?
:'''Vitruvius''': Don't worry, Emmet. Your training begins now. ''[suddenly, they hear a knock on the door]''
:'''Sheriff''': PIANO MAN, OPEN UP!
:'''Vitruvius''': Your training begins later! ''[as Vitruvius, Emmet and Wyldstyle try to make their escape the Sheriff's men throw dynamite at the door]''
:'''Sheriff''': On 3, 1…!  ''[the deputy presses the fuse and the door blows open. Emmet and Wyldstyle have escaped up through a hatch on the roof]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Phwoo, I think we're in the clear.
:'''Bad Cop''': Freeze, turkeys! ''[they look down to see Bad Cop and his army of robots all assembled outside the saloon]'' All I want is the Piece of Resistance!
:'''Wyldstyle''': We would rather he died than give it to you!
:'''Emmet''': I would not rather he died.
:'''Bad Cop''': Look, everybody, we can do this the easy way or we can do it-
:'''Wyldstyle''': GO, RUN!
:'''Bad Cop''': They took the hard way! Fire, fire! ''[his army of robots start firing at the trio as they continue to run and jump off the roof tops]''
:'''Wyldstyle''':  Vitruvius, which way to Cloud Cuckoo Land?!
:'''Vitruvius''': Head for the big bright thing in the sky!
:'''Emmet''': Do you mean the sun?!
:'''Vitruvius''': Yeah, yeah, that's it!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Let's get outta here! Here, use this! ''[quickly builds a vehicle]''
:'''Emmet''':  What? Wait, what are you doing?
:'''Wyldstyle''': Let's go!
:'''Emmet''': ''[Screams]'' ''[they fly off on Wyldstyle's vehicle as the robots continue to shoot at them]'' I don't know what I'm doing. ''[Screams]''
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[Bad Cop aims and shoots his gun]'' Goodbye, BOOM!
:''[the vehicle explodes into pieces and the trio land in a water tank that bursts. The trio are carried away by the flow. Cowboy Pig Farmer gasps. Emmet and Vitruvius end up in a pigpen.]''
:'''Emmet''': I'VE GOT PIGS! I HATE PIGS!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Guys, quit playing around in the mud! I could use your help!
:'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet and Vitruvius follow Wyldstyle with the pigs pursuing after them]'' Wyldstyle, we could really use ''your'' help! ''[A robot saloon girl aims her gun. Emmet screams in slow motion. As they nearly run into the robot Wyldstyle manages to build another vehicle, which crushes the robot. Wyldstyle grabs the rope and whips it, using the pigs to pull them along.]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Vitruvius, they're gaining on us! Build something!
:'''Vitruvius''': Let Emmet try!
:'''Emmet''': No, let's not let Emmet try! I haven't had any training!
:'''Vitruvius''': That's okay, we'll start with how to become a Master Builder. Step 1: trust your instincts. ''[Emmet picks up a Lego piece not sure what to do]''
:'''Emmet''': Okay, okay. Eeeeehhh.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Build something, build something!
:'''Emmet''': ''[chuckles]'' Take that! ''[he throws the Lego piece at the robots which is immediately run over by the army of robots chasing after them]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Unless your instincts are terrible. ''[the sheriff starts shooting at them and, suddenly, a wheel comes off their vehicle]'' No, the wheel! ''[their vehicle goes out of control as they head towards the edge of a cliff]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': I can't control it much longer! ''[Emmet screams]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Emmet, we need to attach the wheel to something that spins around. We need to attach the wheel to something that spins around. ''[Emmet head starts spinning as Vitruvius's voice keeps echoing in his head]'' ''We need to attach the wheel to something that spins around. We need to attach the wheel to something that spins around, something that spins around, spins around, spins around…'' ''[suddenly, Emmet gets an idea]''
:'''Emmet''': Oh. ''[pops off his hair, attaches the wheel to the top of his head, and makes his way down the side of the vehicle.]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet, where are you going?! ''[Emmet positions where the wheel would go to help Wyldstyle steer the vehicle]'' Oh, this better work! Hang tight!  ''[Wyldstyle manages to turn to avoid falling, but the robots accidentally rode their horses over the edge]''
:'''Sheriff''': DAGNAAAAAABIIIIITTTTT! ''[the robots explode as they hit the ground.]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Wow, you actually did it. ''[Emmet chuckles. Suddenly, a steam engine comes out a tunnel, hauling a freight train]'' Train! ''[their vehicle crashes into the train cars, launching the trio into the air]''
:'''Emmet, Wyldstyle and Vitruvius''': ''[Screaming]'' ''[Emmet reattaches his hair piece to his head]'' ''[Screaming]'' ''[they all land on top of the freight cars of the train]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, no!
:'''Bad Cop''': [[Air Force One (film)|Get off my train.]]
:'''Wyldstyle''': Run! ''[the trio start running across the train toward the engine as Bad Cop chases after them. Bad Cop fires his gun as Emmet jumps in front of Wyldstyle to save her]''
:'''Emmet''': Wyldstyle! ''[whining]'' Owie!
:'''Wyldstyle''': He's gonna ram us! ''[Emmet gasps]'' Quick, quick, quick! That piece, give me that piece!
:'''Bad Cop''': Huh?! ''(Cease and desist.)''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Build a ramp!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bad Cop transforms his police car into a flying police car]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': What the heck?!
:'''Bad Cop''': [[Batman Begins|Rest in pieces.]] ''[Bad Cop shoots at the bridge, blowing it up]''
:'''Emmet''': Eeeeeehhhhh.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, no!
:'''Emmet''': Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, no-no-no!
:''[the train derails and starts falling down the ravine. The trio plummets toward a river with crocodiles below. Everything becomes slow motion as Wyldstyle looks at Emmet]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, thanks for saving my life back there. Even if, you know, eventually it turned out to be pointless.
:'''Emmet''': Well, for what it's worth, this has been about the greatest fifteen minutes of my life. ''[Wyldstyle smiles and they reach to hold hands when they are suddenly saved by the Batwing]''
:'''Bad Cop''': What the…?!
:'''Batman''': Relax, everybody, I'm here.
:'''Emmet''': Batman!
:'''Batman''': ''[to Wyldstyle]'' What's up, babe?
:'''Wyldstyle''': Babe!
:'''Emmet''': What?
:'''Wyldstyle''': Oh, sorry. Batman, this is Emmet. Emmet, this is my boyfriend. Batman.
:'''Batman''': I'm Batman.
:'''Emmet''': That's your boyfriend? ''[Emmet screams as Batman swerves his aircraft to avoid getting hit by Bad Cop as he chases after them]'' Batman, huh? Where'd you guys meet?
:'''Wyldstyle''': It's actually a funny story, right, Bat? ''[she turns to see Batman has disappeared]''
:'''Bad Cop''': There he is!
:'''Batman''': &quot;Police&quot; to meet you, Bad Cop. ''[Bad Cop sees Batman has landed on his vehicle]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Batman, the pleasure is all &quot;spine&quot;! ''[Bad Cop punches Batman, then they start fighting on top of Bad Cop's vehicle]''
:'''Batman''': Guess what, you big dumb baby? Your car is a baby carriage. ''[Batman transforms Bad Cop's vehicle into a baby carriage and it starts plummeting to the ground as Bad Cop screams]''
:'''Emmet''': Oh, no, your boyfriend's gone.
:'''Batman''': Hey, babe. 
:'''Emmet''': What?
:'''Batman''': Let's hold hands. ''[Batman and Wyldstyle hold hands, Emmet watches them hold onto each other]''
:'''Emmet''': So, uh. Hey, guys? I think we're about to crash into the sun.
:'''Batman''': Yeah, but it's gonna look really cool. ''[as they shatters through the sun, Batman's vehicle leaves a Batman silhouette in the middle of the sun]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': Uh, is this Cloud Cuckoo Land? I don’t see any clouds or cuckoos.
:'''Vitruvius''': No, no. This is Middle Zealand. A wondrous land full of knights, castles, muttons, torture weapons, poverty, leeches, illiteracy, and um...
:'''Emmet''': DRAGON! ''[the Batwing dives as a dragon swoops down]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Yeah, that too. ''[Batman transforms the Batwing into the Batmobile, lands the car into a forest area and drives through the woods]'' Once we arrive in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we'll raise an army of Master Builders...
:'''Batman''': Yeah, yeah, anyway. You guys gotta check out these new subwoofers I installed in the back, I call them ''The Dogs.'' Listen to them bark! ''[Batman turns on his stereo, sending heavy metal blasting through the Batmobile, making Emmet and Vitruvius bounce in the back]''
:'''Emmet''': Aaah! Can you turn that down a little bit?!
:'''Batman''': This is a song I wrote for Wyldstyle! ''[Wyldstyle smiles at Batman before singing with the song, we hear Batman's voice as he sings to the heavy metal music]'' ''Darkness!'' ''[to Emmet and Vitruvius]'' It's about how I'm an orphan! ''[the song continues]'' ''No parents!''
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Wyldstyle turns to Emmet]'' This is real music, Emmet. Batman's a true artist. Dark, brooding.
:'''Emmet''': Well, I'm dark and brooding too! ''[Emmet gasps, suddenly he notices something ahead]'' Look, a rainbow! ''[as they reach the rainbow]''
:'''Vitruvius''': So, you're gonna drive up the curved part, ''['''Batman''': ''Super rich!'']'' take it all the way to the top ''['''Batman''': ''Kinda makes it better!'']'' and park the car. ''[the Batmoblie stops, Batman drives up the rainbow and stops the car at the very top]'' Friends, welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land. ''[an angelic chord plays as the camera pans down to the group standing in front of a rather large cloud, the rainbow disappears, and they are surrounded by clouds]'' Now, I just need to give the secret knock. ''[he turns and knocks once with his scepter on the cloud door, after a short pause the door bursts open and as they enter inside they hear music being played and everyone is happy and dancing around.]''
:'''Emmet''': I’m not sure about this place and what I am supposed to do.
:'''Unikitty''': Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!
:''[Everyone cheers]''
:'''Emmet''': But there are no signs or anything! How can people know what not to do?
:'''Unikitty''': Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules! There’s no government, no babysitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind.
:'''Wyldstyle''': You just said the word, &quot;no&quot;, like a million times.
:'''Unikitty''': And there’s also no consistency.
:'''Batman''': I ''hate'' this place.
:'''Unikitty''': All ideas are the good ones, except the not-so-good ideas. Those that push down deep inside where you’ll never, ever, ever, ''[angry tone]'' '''''EVER'''''… ''[normal tone]'' find them! Your fellow Master Builders are gathered in the Dog!
:'''Emmet''': The what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': ''[Emmet gasps]'' Is that [[Superman]]?
:'''[[Statue of Liberty]]''': Bonjour.
:'''Superman''': Girl, what are you doing right now?
:'''[[Green Lantern]]''': ''[appears from behind Emmet]'' Hey, Superman!
:'''Superman''': Oh, hey... Hey, what's up?
:'''Green Lantern''': ''[fixing his mask]'' Lantern. Green Lantern.
:'''Superman''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Green Lantern''': Do you wanna sit together at the meeting?
:'''Superman''': Uh, I have to, I have to go back to Krypton. ''[Superman quickly flies off]''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''[the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large]'' Did didn't Krypton blow up?
:'''Vitruvius''': My fellow, Master Builders, including, but not limited to: [[Robin Hood]], Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy... ''['''Benny''': 'Hello!']'' ...2002 NBA All-Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. ''[the Master Builders express their shock and outrage]'' Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, [[Michelangelo]], [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Michelangelo]] and [[Cleopatra]]. There is yet one hope, the Special has arisen.
:''[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': Okay. ''[Emmet walks up to the platform and waves to everyone. He clears his throat]'' Hello, I'm Emmet. ''[referring to the Piece of Resistance]'' Oh, and this is the Piece of Resistance. ''[the Master Builders cheer. Wyldstyle watches in bewilderment]'' Thank you. Well, eeeeehhhh. I know that I for one am very excited to work with you guys, to get into the Octan Tower, find the Kragle and put this thing on the thing, and I know it's going to be really hard, but...
:'''Metalbeard''': &lt;big&gt;'''REALLY HARD?!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[the audience gasps]'' Wiping ye bum with a hook for a hand is really hard, this be impossible![picks emmet up]The last time we tried to storm Lord Business's office, we used every plan we could conceive. The result was a massacre too terrible to speak of.
:'''Emmet''': Who are you?
:'''Metalbeard''': The name be Metalbeard, and I'll tell you me tale of woe.
:'''Vitruvius''': Oh, great. Here we go again. ''[Metalbeard recounts his failed attempt in trying to infiltrate Lord Business's office]''
:'''Metalbeard''': I arrived at the foot of the tower with me hearty Master Builder crew, only to find the Kragle was all the way up on the infinitieth floor guarded by a robot army. And security measures of every kind imaginable, lasers, sharks, [[Austin Powers|laser sharks]], overbearing assistants, and strange dangerous relics that entrap, snap, and zap. And there be a mysterious room called &quot;The Think Tank&quot;. I barely made it out of that room with just me head... ''[Metalbeard hops out of the tower with his head and escapes on his ship as it purrs away]'' ...and organs! ''[Metalbeard's organs pop out of the Octan tower and land in his ship and it purrs away again]''
:'''Emmet''': ''[disturbed]'' Okay.
:'''Metalbeard''': I had to replace every part of my once strapping virile pirate body with this useless hunk of garbage ye see before ye. So if ye think it'd be a good idea to return to that forsaken place, Special, what idea have ye that be better than the ideas of 100 of our fallen Master Builder brothers?
:'''Emmet''': Well, technically I'm not exactly a Master Builder yet.
:'''Metalbeard''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT?!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[the other Master Builders shout in outrage]''
:'''Emmet''': Please, everyone, everyone! Please.
:'''[[William Shakespeare]]''': ''[throws a pizza]'' Rubbish!
:'''Emmet''': ''[addressing the Master Builders]'' Yes, it's true, I may not be a Master Builder. I may not have a lot of experience fighting or leading or coming up with plans, or having ideas in general. In fact, I'm not all that smart, and I'm not what you'd call a creative type, plus, generally unskilled, also, scared and cowardly. I know what you're thinking; &quot;He is the least qualified person in the world to lead us!&quot; And, you are right!
:'''Swamp Creature''': This is supposed to make us feel better?
:'''Emmet''': What th-? No, there was about to be a but...
:'''Gandalf''': You're a butt!
:'''Dumbledore''': Yes.
:''[Outside Cloud Cuckoo Land, Metalbeard and a few knights and cowboys are leaving]''
:'''Metalbeard''': You all be on your own! I be leaving this lost cause! ''[Metalbeard jumps onto his ship and sails off Cuckoo Land, as it purrs]''
:'''Emmet''': Why are you leaving?!
:'''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''': A house divided against itself would be better than this. ''[Lincoln jumps into his seat and it suddenly takes off like a spaceship]''
:'''Emmet''': Abraham Lincoln, you bring your space chair right back here! Come on, guys! ''[nearly gets hit by a falling object]'' We can still do this! ''[another Master Builder throws a blue disc at him]'' Oh! Right?
:'''Master Builder 1''': You're not even a bit special.
:''[Wyldstyle, Batman and Unikitty sadly watch]''
:'''Batman''': [Batman whispering to Wyldstyle as they watch Emmet] Well, you were right about him being a ding-dong. ''[the Master Builders continue to jeer and throw things at Emmet]''
:'''Master Builder 2''': You're a huge disappointment!
:''[Emmet, sad and disappointed, turns and starts walking off]''
:'''Master Builder 3''': Get him out of here, I don't wanna look at him!
:'''Emmet''': Well, at least it can't get any worse.
:'''Master Builder 4''': Special? Not! 
:''[A giant golf ball suddenly falls out of nowhere, destroying the Dog.]''
:'''Emmet''': I was wrong.
:''[Emmet yells and runs away as the falling ball falls onto the ground, crashes through the eye of the dog, and squishes an Island Warrior Master Builder]''
:'''Superman''': It's the orb of ''Tee-te-list''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Superman''': ''IT DIDN'T BREAK!''
:'''Bad Cop''': Because it's Kragled. ''[to his robots]'' Machine gum! Fire! ''[they shoot at Superman with chewing gum making him splat to the ground stuck in the gum]''
:'''Superman''': ''[screams]'' I can't move.
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't worry, Superman! I'll get you out of there. ''[as Green Lantern goes to rescue Superman his hands get stuck in the gum and screams]'' Oh, my gosh! My hands are stuck! ''[he wriggles his legs and those get stuck in the gum too]'' My legs are stuck as well!
:'''Superman''': I super hate you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': ''[as the robots have got hold of Emmet]'' Ow, you're pulling my torso off!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Babe, help me get him out of here!
:'''Batman''': I said every man for himself.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, you gotta be there for me. ''[Batman groans as he falls and finally lands onto the ground]''
:'''Batman''': Fine! Fine, fine, fine! ''[reluctantly goes to her aide and fights off the robots attacking Emmet]'' Fine, fine, fine, fine!
:'''Wyldstyle''': I need you to have a better attitude about it!
:'''Batman''': I've a great attitude! ''[Batman gets the tracker off Emmet and throws it at one of the robots]''
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[Bad Cop picks up Emmet's tracker which is now attached to the robot]'' The Special's in the northwest quadrant, we've got him cornered! ''[he looks down but all he sees is the robot with the tracker attached to his head smacking into a wall]'' Where did he go?
:'''Unikitty''': Oh, no! They've hit our silly cloud stabilizer!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Let's go, we need to get Emmet outta here!
:'''Emmet''': Can't we build something? ''[suddenly, the space guy comes over to them]''
:'''Benny''': Hey, I'm Ben! But you can call me Benny! And I can build a spaceship. Watch this. ''[he starts building a spaceship and chanting along as he works]'' ''[Benny singing] Spaceship, spaceship, spaceship, spaceship! Spaceshi--!''
:'''Wyldstyle''': No, no, no, no! You can't, the skies are surrounded.
:'''Benny''': That's okay, I didn't really wanna build a spaceship. ''[Benny chuckles]'' Anyway, that's cool. ''[looks visibly disappointed as he kicks his half-built spaceship and it falls apart]''
:'''Unikitty''': Well, where can we go where we won’t be found?
:'''Batman''': How about we went underwater?
:'''Emmet''': In a submarine!
:'''Batman''': Great idea, a Bat submarine patent pending.
:'''Unikitty''': With rainbows!
:'''Vitruvius''': And dream catchers, just in case we took a nap.
:'''Benny''': Like an underwater spaceship!
:'''Emmet''': But we can’t build all of them at once!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bad Cop''': ''[the group takes the submarine towards the water as Bad Cop at his robots are chasing after them]'' Stop him, stop him! ''[suddenly the submarine goes off the edge of a cloud and plunges down]'' Don't let him get to the water! ''[as they get closer to the water]''
:'''Wyldstyle''':  Dive, dive, dive! Everybody in! We're going under! ''[A submarine splashes, the submarine plunges into the water. Bad Cop grunts and throws the chair into the ocean]''
:''[We hear muffled screams and we then see Cloud Cuckoo Land being destroyed by the robots and the Master Builders handcuffed and taken as prisoners]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Oh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[he trails off hoping for any positive comments]'' You are so disappointing on so many levels.
:'''Vitruvius''': Why are my pants cold and wet? ('''Wyldstyle''': Eww...) ''[A shot of water rising in the sub]'' Uh...
:'''Computer''': ''[a wall is breached and even more water floods in]'' ''Hull breach!''
:'''Unikitty''': The walls are crying!
:'''Benny''': ''[as he tries to plug a hole]'' We're falling apart at the seams! ''[screams]'' ''[as the submarine starts to fall apart]''
:'''Batman''': This is not how Batman dies!
:''[Emmet screams, as the submarine fills with water Emmet starts to drown. Wyldstyle reaches for him]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': '''Emmet!''' Hold on, hold on!
:'''Emmet''': '''Wyldstyle!'''
:''[the shot goes to outside the sub, red lights coming from the windows as it goes through the water as an alarm beeps faster and faster signaling a detonation]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': '''Deep breath!''' ''[gasps]'' '''Deep breath, everybody!!''' ''[the sub explodes, the camera follows a floating piece of debris to the surface, where Bad Cop and a few Micro Managers are looking around]''
:'''Bad Cop''': Micro-Managers, what's going on down there?
:'''Micro-Manager''': ''Scanning submarine wreckage. No survivors detected.''
:'''Bad Cop''': Scuba Cops? Dredge the entire ocean if you have to. We have got to find that piece. ''[Scuba Cops dive in the water to begin their search]'' Let's get these prisoners back to Lord Business and give him the good news: the Special is no more! ''[they all depart from the wreckage]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Superman''': All the Master Builders you've captured over the years, you brought them here!
:'''Lord Business''': You're a very perceptive person, Superman. They come up with all the instructions for everything in the universe. Robots! 
:'''Robot''': Beep. ''[the robots strap a device to Superman's head]''
:'''Superman''': No, no! ''[groans]'' ''[screaming]'' NO!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ''[shudders, then his chair shoots up to the top]'' Can't get much worse than this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[scene fades to the ocean by the double-decker couch is floating on the sea when Emmet and the others pop out of their hiding place from under the flip-up seats]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Well, we're still alive.
:'''Unikitty''': Yeah!
:'''Wyldstyle''': The double decker couch! It wasn't totally pointless after all!
:'''Benny''': ''[to Emmet]'' It's the one thing that stayed together.
:'''Vitruvius''': I always believed in you, Emmet.
:'''Batman''': I don't mean to spoil the party, but does anyone else notice we're stuck in the middle of the ocean on this couch? I mean, it's not like a big, gigantic ship is just gonna come out of nowhere and save us. ''[suddenly, a big, gigantic ship becomes visible as it comes over to them]'' My gosh!
:'''Metalbeard''': ''[he drives his pirate ship and picks up the double-decker couch]'' Avast, maties!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': Well, it's kind of hard not to hear when you're yelling everything.
:'''Unikitty''': So, why did you come back?
:'''Metalbeard''': This bedoubled land couch. ''[everyone turns to look at Emmet's double-decker couch]'' I watched Lord Business's forces completely overlook it. Which means we need more ideas like it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': What's the last thing Lord Business would expect Master Builders to do?
:'''Benny''': Build a spaceship?
:'''Vitruvius''': Kill a chicken?
:'''Unikitty''': Marry a marshmallow!
:'''Metalbeard''': Why, this. ''[changes into a singing face: ♪Hum hum hum How ya gonna keep them down at the farm?♪]''
:'''Emmet''': No! It follows the instructions.
:''[Everybody groans and complains]''
:'''Benny''': Don't like that.
:'''Unikitty''': Sounds weird.
:'''Emmet''': No, wait guys. Listen. You guys are so talented and imaginative... but you can't work as a team. I'm just a construction worker, but when I have a plan and we were working together, we could build a skyscraper. Now you guys are Master Builders. Just imagine what you could do if you did that! You could save the universe!
:'''Vitruvius''': Well said, Emmet. Well said.
:'''Emmet''': Really?
:'''Metalbeard''': She be a fine speech there, laddie.
:'''Emmet''': Okay. Somebody get me some markers... some construction paper... and some GLITTER GLUE! ''[Emmet stands in front of the instructions he's drawn]'' I call this, &quot;Emmet's plan to get inside the tower, put the Piece of Resistance on the Kragle and save the world&quot;. I've built a hundred just like them back in the city, if we could just get in there, I know where all the air ducts and wiring are located, I can get us anywhere.
:'''Vitruvius''': How will we get inside?
:'''Emmet''': ''[whispers]'' In a spaceship!
:'''Benny''': '''SPACESHIP!''' ''[Benny chuckles and rushes off excitedly to build a spaceship]''
:'''Batman''': Great idea, a Bat spaceship.
:'''Emmet''': No, they're expecting us to show up in a Bat spaceship, or a pirate spaceship, or a rainbow sparkled spaceship.
:'''Batman''': One of those sounds awesome to me.
:'''Emmet''': My idea is to build a spaceship that's exactly like all the other Octan Delivery Spaceships.
:'''Benny''': So not the special spaceship that I'm...I'm building for all of you right now?
:'''Emmet''': Sorry, Benny. Maybe next time.
:'''Benny''': Ooh, you're really letting the oxygen out of my tank here! ''[he kicks his spaceship and it falls to pieces again]''
:'''Batman''': Yeah, but according to your precious instructions, this ship needs a hyperdrive. We don't have that part.
:'''Benny''': Maybe we could find one!
:'''Batman''': What do yo think, a spaceship's just gonna appear out of the blue? ''[suddenly, a spaceship appears behind them]'' Are you kidding me?! The same thing! ''[Star Wars main theme plays; the Millennium Falcon shows up and stops next to Metalbeard's ship]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': ''[suddenly, Batman appears behind them with the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive]'' Need a hyperdrive?
:'''Emmet''': No way!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Babe!
:'''Emmet''': I knew it! I knew that!
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[Chuckling]'' You really had me there!
:'''Batman''': Those guys were so lame, all they did was play space checkers, plus it turns out that hairy one's a dude, and the metal one too, all dudes.
:'''Benny''': But won't they notice their hyperdrive is missing?
:'''Han Solo''': ''[cut to the Millennium Falcon]'' Come on, Chewie, hit the hyperdrive!
:''[Suddenly the spaceship loses power, and is eaten by an asteroid worm; cut back to the ship]''
:'''Batman''': Nah, they'll be fine.
:''[following Emmet's plan, the group work together to build a spaceship]''
:'''Emmet''': Step 1: All right, we need a blue 2-piece I mean red IV-piece unit over at the… ''[Emmet notices Unikitty putting flowers into the spaceship]'' Unikitty, you're supposed to follow the instructions, remember?
:'''Unikitty''': Sorry.
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[picking up a piece of Lego as they follow the instructions]'' Ugh, this gives me the jeebies.
:'''Batman''': What do I even…? I-I can't…! ''[kicks Lego pieces in frustration]''
:'''Emmet''': Nice. Step 2, we pilot the ship to the service entrance so we can get past the dangerous, but also kind of cool, laser gate.
:'''Robot''': ''[in their spaceship they get to the Octan service gate, Batman and Benny are in the driver's seat]'' Space ID.
:'''Batman''': I have a drive-on.
:'''Robot''': Who are you here to see?
:'''Batman''': I am here to see... your butt.
:'''Robot''': Is that last name &quot;butt&quot;, first name &quot;your&quot;, or is it- ''[Batman throws a Batarang at the Robot, decapitating him]'' OH, MY GOSH!
:'''Batman''': ''[Batman laughs then throws another Batarang at the gate button but fails to hit it]'' Pow! [throws another which still doesn't hit it] Wham! ''[throws another and misses again]'' Kezap! ''[he then repeatedly throws several Batarangs until it finally hits the button making it go green]'' First try! ''[after they enter into Octan Tower]''
:'''Emmet''': Step 3, we break into Lord Business's office, and we'll plunder his collection of relics for disguises.'' ''[they break into Lord Business's office and use his relics to disguise themselves]'' Step 4, Benny and Metalbeard will sneak their way into the Master Control Room. ''[as Metalbeard and Benny break into the control room]''
:'''Computer''': Motion Sensors Triggered in Sector-12.
:'''Robot''': Ten-Four!
:'''Benny''': Uh-oh! ''[two security guard robots go to investigate, Metalbeard and Benny quickly hide as not to be detected, Metalbeard transforms into a photocopying machine.]''
:'''Robot''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ''[the other robot jumps onto the photocopying machine]'' Do it! ''[the robot starts photocopying his butt, both robots laugh and suddenly Metalbeard transforms back and destroys the two robots]''
:'''Benny''': Metalbeard, that was awesome!
:'''Metalbeard''': First law of the sea, never place your rear end on a pirate's face.
:'''Emmet''': Once inside they'll use their technical know-how to disable the kragle shield. ''[Metalbeard and Benny get inside the control room to disable the computer]''
:'''Computer''': I'm the computer.
:'''Benny''': Cool, talking computer! ''[Benny starts tapping into the computer]'' Please disable the shield systems.
:'''Computer''': Of course. There are no movies in your area with that title. ''[Benny grumbles as he falls onto the computer]''
:'''Emmet''': Step 5: Vitruvius will provide lookout to make sure we're not being followed. ''[Vitruvius looks through the binoculars, but as he's blind, he's unaware that he's standing in front of a wall]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Okay.
:'''Emmet''': Step 6: Batman and Unikitty go into the Board Room to make one last change to Lord Business's plan. ''[inside the Board Room Lord Business is holding a meeting]''
:'''Lord Business''': I move that we freeze the universe. Can I get a second on that? ''[suddenly, Bruce Wayne enters the room]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I second. Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises. ''[cut to the group as they are going through their plan]''
:'''Batman''': Bruce Wayne?!? ''[chuckles]'' Who's that? Sounds like a cool guy. ''[the others, all clearly aware who Bruce Wayne is, stare at him in silence, Wyldstyle sighs. Bruce Wayne and a disguised Unikitty enter Lord Business's Board Room]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': We'd like to invest in your company, your weapon to control the universe sounds super sweet, I must say.
:'''Lord Business''': It is indeed super sweet.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Cool! What kind of sound system does it have?
:'''Lord Business''': Uh, sound system? Well, I mean, we have an iPod shuffle.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Wait a second. You're telling me that you have a machine to control the universe and you can't listen to tunes and surround sound?
:'''Unikitty''': Embarrassing.
:'''Lord Business''': Well, I mean, we need to get that done. I want eight-foot speakers.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Great call.
:'''Lord Business''': Yeah, I want speakers that you can hug with your arms and your legs, and just feel the beat.
:''[cut to Lord Business's robots instructing the captive Master Builders in the Think Tank]''
:'''Robot''': Listen up! We need new instructions for a speaker system for the TAKOS!
:'''Gandalf''': We'll never help-! ''[suddenly, the device attached to their heads initiates and they all start coming up with the instructions]'' Whatever you say, boss!
:'''Emmet''': Then once the instructions are printed, Wyldstyle and I will enter the Kragle room, place the thing on the other thing, and save the universe. ''[cut to the group having their planning meeting]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, I didn't draw that. ''[points to a drawing of himself, as he saves the universe]'' Is that me exploding?
:'''Vitruvius''': Uh, I didn't mention that earlier, when you reunite the Piece with the Kragle, it might explode?
:'''Emmet''': No! But it might not, right?
:'''Vitruvius''': Sure, sure, sure. Let's go with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vitruvius''': Well, Junebug, I really prefer the word &quot;experienced&quot;! ''[singlehandedly attacks the robots. The Master Builders cheer him.]'' Ha-ha! You see, Emmet, a corrupted spirit is no match for the purity of imagination- ''[suddenly, Lord Business beheads Vitruvius with a 2007 nickel and [[The Fox and the Hound|The Fox and the Hound 1994 VHS]] I mean penny. Batman, Wyldstyle, and Emmet gasp]''
:'''Emmet''': Vitruvius! NO! Vitruvius.
:'''Vitruvius''': My sweet Emmet, come closer. You must know something about the prophecy.
:'''Emmet''': I know, I'm doing my best, but I d-
:'''Vitruvius''': The prophecy… I made it up.
:'''Emmet''': What?
:'''Vitruvius''': I made it up. It's not true.
:'''Emmet''': But that means I'm just… I'm not the Special?
:'''Vitruvius''': You must listen. What I'm about to tell you will change the course of history… BLEAGH...! ''[dies]'' 
:'''Emmet''': No. No. ''[the group looks visibly sad as they are led away by the robots]''
:'''Lord Business''': Hey, not so special anymore, huh? ''[the robots strap each of the group into one of the Think Tank seats]'' Well, guess what? No one ever told me I was special. I never got a trophy just for showing up. I'm not some special little snowflake, no! ''[the micro-manager robot picks up Emmet and strapped him onto a battery]'' But as unspecial as I am, you are a thousand billion times more unspecial than me. Robots, bring me the Sword of Exact-0!
:'''Robots''': Yes, Lord Business. ''[the robots hand Lord Business an Xacto razor and he walks over to Emmet]''
:'''Lord Business''': Must be weird. One minute, you're the most special person in the universe. And the next minute… you're nobody! ''[uses the razor to cuts the Piece of Resistance from Emmet's back]'' Oh, I have a nice spot for this in my relic room. ''[he accidentally throws the Piece of Resistance through the window, breaking it.]'' Uh-oh, my mistake! There it goes!
:'''Wyldstyle''': No!
:'''Lord Business''': Bye-bye, forever! ''[the Piece of Resistance falls into the abyss]'' Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do! ''[he turns to his robots]'' RELEASE THE KRAGLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Benny''': Emmet, you'll... you'll think of something, right? Like you always do.
:'''Emmet''': Didn't you hear him? The prophecy's made up. I'm not the Special. To think for a moment I thought I might be.
:'''Vitruvius''': Emmet. ''[suddenly, Emmet hears Vitruvius's ghostly voice]''
:'''Emmet''': Who said that?
:'''Vitruvius''': I did. ''[Vitruvius's ghostly form appears behind Emmet]'' I am ghost Vitruvius. Ooooh! ''[he glides over to face Emmet]'' Emmet, you didn't let me finish earlier because I died. The reason I made up the prophecy was because I knew that whoever found the Piece could become the Special. Because the only thing anyone needs to be special is to believe that you can be. I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it's true. Look at what you did when you believed you were special. You just need to believe it some more.
:'''Emmet''': But how can I just decide to believe that I'm special, when I'm not?
:'''Vitruvius''': Because the world depends on it. Ooooh! ''[the ghostly form of Vitruvius starts to glide away]''
:'''Computer''': Zapping termination in thirty-five Mississippi...
:'''Emmet''': What?!
:'''Computer''': Thirty-four Mississippi, thirty-three Mississippi, thirty-two Mississippi, thirty-one Mississippi, thirty Mississippi, twenty-nine Mississippi, twenty-eight Mississippi, twenty-seven Mississippi, twenty-six Mississippi, twenty-five Mississippi... ''[as the countdown continues, Emmet gets an idea, manages to dislodge the battery from its holding place and rolls himself with the battery toward the window]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet! What are you...? ''[Emmet rolls himself towards the edge of the broken window and looks down into the abyss]''
:'''Emmet''': Whoa! ''[he looks back at Wyldstyle]'' Lucy!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Wait! What are you...? What are you...?
:'''Emmet''': Now it's your turn to be the hero. ''[Wyldstyle realizing what he is planning to do]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': No!
:'''Emmet''': See you later, alligator.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Don't! ''[Emmet jumps out the broken window]''
:'''Computer''': Nine Mississippi, eight Mississippi…
:'''Wyldstyle''': ''[gasps]'' No! Emmet! ''[as the computer countdown continues, Emmet starts falling into the abyss]''
:'''Computer''': Seven Mississippi, six Mississippi...
:'''Emmet''': Aaah!
:'''Computer''': Five Mississippi, four Mississippi, three Mississippi, two Mississippi... ''[as Emmet gets nearer to the abyss, the battery he's strapped to snaps off the wires]'' One Mississippi, zero. Mission error. Termination failure. ''[as the detonation sequence deactivates, the Master Builders are freed from their captivity]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet! ''[she rushes over to the edge of the window, and look down into the abyss.]'' No! ''[the other Master Builders gather round]''
:'''Gandalf''': He... he saved us.
:'''Unikitty''': Well, what do we do now? There's gotta be a bright side here somewhere?
:'''Superman''': Does anyone have any ideas?
:'''Benny''': Emmet had ideas.
:'''Metal Beard''': Arr, if only there were more people in the world like he? ''[suddenly, Wyldstyle has an idea and looks round to the screen showing the citizen of Bricksburg as they are getting glued]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Meet me downstairs in ten seconds! ''[ten seconds later; at the sound stage where they are filming &quot;Where Are My Pants?&quot;]''
:'''Actor on TV Show''': Honey, where are my pants? ''[suddenly, the Master Builders crash into the soundstage]''
:'''Unikitty''': Hi!
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, guess what? Found your pants! Series is over! ''[she throws the pants into the actors face and kicks him out of the way]'' Benny, send this out to everyone in the universe. 1980-something technology?
:'''Benny''': Now you're talking! ''[Benny goes over to the machine, and starts broadcasting Wyldstyle to the universe, including Bricksburg who are all rushing around trying to not get glued]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Hey, everybody. You don't know me, but I'm on TV, so you can trust me. I know things seem kind of bad right now, but there is a way out of this. This is Emmet. ''[footage of Emmet is shown]'' And he was just like all of you. A face in the crowd, following the same instructions as you. He was so good at fitting in, no one ever saw him. And I owe you an apology, because I used to look down on people like that. ''[we see Wyldstyle's broadcast being watched by all Lego citizens across the realms in the universe, including Middle Zealand where a knight is reading out form a scroll]''
:'''Knight''': I used to think they were followers with no ideas or brains.
:'''Wyldstyle''': Because it turns out Emmet had great ideas. And if they seemed weird, and kind of pointless, they actually came closer than anyone else to saving the universe. And now we have to finish what he started by making whatever weird thing pops into our heads. All of you have the ability inside of you to be a ground breaker. And I mean literally, break the ground! Peel off the pieces, and tear apart your walls! Build things only you could build, defend yourselves! We need to fight back against President Business's plans to freeze us! ''[the Lego citizens start putting Lego pieces together and building things]'' Today will not be known as Taco Tuesday, it will be known as Freedom Friday! ''[the citizens start cheering]'' But still on a Tuesday! ''[suddenly, they are interrupted as the robots appear in the studio]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robot''': End of the line! ''[just as the robots are about to attack, they are quickly killed off by Bad Cop]''
:'''Wylstyle''': Bad Cop?
:'''Bad Cop''': I hope there's still a Good Cop in me somewhere. ''[draws a new face for Good Cop with a red marker]''
:'''Scribble Cop (Good Cop)''': I'll hold these guys off. You go stop 'em. Yay!
:'''Metalbeard''': Great idea! But how will we get there? ''[suddenly, Benny starts having an idea]''
:'''Voice Man''': T-minus 10, 9, 8…
:'''Benny''': I could, eeehhh…
:'''Voice Man''': …7, 6, 5, 4…
:'''Benny''': I could build a…
:'''Voice Man''': …3, 2…
:'''Benny''': I could build a…
:'''Voice Man''': …1!
:'''Benny''': I could build a spaceship! ''[he looks around to see if anyone disagrees]''  You-you're not-you're not going to say &quot;No&quot;?
:'''Scribble Cop''': Build away, whatever your name is!
:'''Benny''': ''[laughs and jumps around in excitement as he quickly assembles a spaceship]'' SPACESHIP! ''[Benny and the team fly the spaceship through the different realms]'' SPACESHIP! SPACESHIP! SPACESHIP! SPACESHIP! SPACESHIP! ''[the team are spotted by the robots]''
:'''Robot''': All units, attack that spaceship! ''[the robots chase after the spaceship in their aircrafts and start shooting at it]''
:'''Benny''':  SPACESHIP!  ''[quickly steers the spaceship away from sight]''
:'''Robot''':  Where did he go?! ''[suddenly, the spaceship flies up through the robots aircrafts destroying them]''
:'''Benny''': SPACESHIP!
:'''Unikitty''': ''[as they fly over Bricksburg]'' Wyldstyle, look! It's the citizens! ''[the citizens have built aircrafts which they are using to attack Lord Business's robots]''
:'''Abraham Lincoln''': And don't forget us Master Builders.
:'''Lord Business''': What is going on?! You stop building that stuff! Just stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Wylstyle''': If only Emmet were here to see this. He'd day something adorable, like... ''[smash cuts to Emmet as he continues to fall through the abyss]''
:'''Emmet''': Aaaah! Am I just gonna keep... falling... forever?! ''[finally, Emmet lands somewhere and it cuts to blackness; the thud noises as he lands hardly.]''
:''[Emmet becomes conscious, but he finds he can't move but is able to think]''
:'''Emmet''': Is this another vision? Where am I? ''[he sees the sign for Octan Tower]'' Is that the office tower? ''[we see Emmet has fallen on the ground in a live-action basement where all the different Lego realms, including Bricksburg, have been assembled on a large table]'' Bricksburg! ''[BOOM! He suddenly feels the ground shaking as if someone has taken a giant footstep]'' What was that?! ''[cuts to a human’s legs running around the basement heading towards Emmet]'' No, no, no, no! ''[a human accidentally steps on Emmet as it carries on running, a human is playing with the Lego set and actually carrying the spaceship Benny had built as if it's flying]''
:'''Boy''': Spaceship! Spaceship!
:'''Emmet''': What in the world is that?! ''[he continues to watch a human (which reveals to be a boy named Finn) playing with the Lego spaceship]'' It's... adorable. ''[suddenly, Finn notices Emmet lying on the floor]'' Uh-oh! ''[Finn comes over to pick Emmet up]'' No! No! No, no, no, no! Hey, don't eat me! Don't eat me! Do not eat me! Please! ''[Finn gently picks Emmet up and looks at him]''
:'''Finn''': Hi, Emmet.
:'''Emmet''': Uh...hi? ''[Finn stares at him]'' Is this The Man...? ''[suddenly, the basement door opens and the shadow of a man appears at the top of the stairs and he starts walking down the stairs]'' The Man Upstairs. ''[when the man reaches the last step, the shadow reveals it's Finn's father wearing a business suit and looking annoyed, which is look-alike of Lord Business.]''
:'''The Man Upstairs''': What happened?! ''[as he sees all the different Lego pieces all over the place]'' No, no, no. This is a disaster. Why...why is...? What? What?! What?! The-the...why is the dragon on top of the luxury condo development?!
:'''Finn''': I was just playing and...
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Look, I know it's hard to understand. But this is Dad's stuff, okay? All of this that you see before you is all your father's. And everything is thought out, there's... ''[he looks around and sees the top of Octan Tower missing]'' What did you down here?! Did you take the top off of the tower?!?
:'''Finn''': It was an accident.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': You accidentally, expertly, carefully took the entire top off of that tower?
:'''Finn''': Yes.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': You know the rules, this isn't a toy!
:'''Finn''': Um...it kind of is.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': No, actually it's a highly sophisticated inter-locking brick system.
:'''Finn''': But we bought it at the toy store.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': We did, but they way I'm using it makes it an adult thing.
:'''Finn''': The box for this one said &quot;Ages 8 to 14&quot;!
:'''The Man Upstairs''': That's a suggestion. They have to put that on there.
:'''Finn''': Because maybe we won't be able to resist playing with all this.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Look, I move your stuff over near to the decorations. All those bricks, you can build anything you want. ''[Emmet sees the larger Lego pieces piled together in a box, he notices Finn looking sad]'' Finn, we're gonna play a little game. It's called &quot;let's put everything back the way you found it.&quot;
:'''Finn''': But, Dad, you don't understand...
:'''The Man Upstairs''': So I can make things they way they're supposed to be. ''[he turns goes over to the nearby table and picks up a tube of Krazy Glue]'' Permanently.
:'''Emmet''': More Kragles?! ''[back in the Lego world, Lord Business tries to stop the citizens from fighting back]''
:'''Lord Business''': This rebellion ends right now! ''[he releases a bunch of micro-managers onto the city and they start attacking, then we see Finn's father is actually the micro-manger as using the Krazy Glue to stick a flying Lego truck the onto the Lego board]''
:'''Bricksburg Citizen''': Oh, no! ''[then we see a Lego fireman who's build a machine out of his fire truck to fight off the micro-managers]''
:'''Fireman''': Ha-ha! Fire in the hole! ''[Finn's father goes to pick up the fireman's truck]'' Wait! What's happening? No, wait! No, we're going down! ''[Finn's father destroys the assembled fire truck Lego piece]'' No! ''[we see one of Emmet's neighbors, Sharon, who's build a sled with her cats tied to the front as they rush away from the micro-managers]''
:'''Cat''': Meow. Meow.
:'''Sharon''': Hold on, dear, we're coming for you. ''[the micro-manager gets her which is Finn's father gluing Sharon to the Lego board.]'' Ah!
:'''Emmet''': Stop!
:'''Sharon''': Oh no!
:''[Emmet watches in horror as Finn's father continues to glue the Lego pieces]''
:'''Metal Beard''': Arr, there be too many micro-managers!
:''[Finn's father is holding Benny's spaceship in his hand]''
:'''The Man Upstairs''': What am I holding here?
:'''Finn''': It's a battleship.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': No, it's a hodge-podge that's what it is. What's Batman doing on it? ''[he throws Batman off the spaceship then picks up Metal Beard]'' What is this? A robot pirate? ''[he throws Metal Beard down and he lands next to Batman]''
:'''Batman''': Dang it.
:''[Emmet watches all this in horror as Finn holds him]''
:'''Emmet''': Stop! Stop it! No! Stop it! Stop!
:''[Finn's father notices Emmet in Finn's hand]''
:'''The Man Upstairs''': You got glue all over that construction worker. Here, give that to me. ''[he takes Emmet from Finn]''
:'''Emmet''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ''[he looks down and sees all his friends scattered all over the Lego board]'' All of those are my friends! No! Stop it!
:'''Metal Beard''': We were a hearty crew, but it be...it be over.
:'''Emmet''': No! ''[Finn's father turns Emmet around in his hand and Emmet notices the Piece of Resistance on the floor]'' The Piece of Resistance! I can still save them.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Let's get this gunk off this construction worker. ''[he places Emmet on his work table]''
:'''Finn''': He's not just a construction worker, Dad. He's the hero.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': No, he's not. He is a ordinary, regular, generic construction worker, and I need to put him back the way he was. Now, where is Xacto knife? ''[as Emmet lies on the table]''
:'''Emmet''': I gotta get the Piece of Resistance. If I could get the attention of the smaller creature. I gotta move. ''[Finn's father continues to look for his knife]''
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Where is that? ''[using all his strength Emmet manages to slightly move on the table catching Finn's father's eye, but he quickly dismisses and looks away]'' Alright. ''[Emmet starts to twitch more on the table and every time he moves, Finn's father turns to look at him not sure of what he's seen. And as he turns back to look for his knife, Emmet tries to move again]''
:'''Emmet''': M-m-move! ''[he finally manages to move enough to drop himself off the table]'' Ow! ''[this catches Finn's attention]''
:'''Finn''': Uh, Dad?
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Yeah?
:'''Finn''': I think I saw the Xacto over there in Middle Zealand.
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Oh, great. Thank you.
:'''Finn''': You're welcome. ''[as he goes to get the knife, Finn quickly goes over and picks Emmet from the floor and hands him the Piece of Resistance]'' It's up to you now, Emmet. ''[he then turns and looks at a cat poster with the phrase &quot;Believe&quot; written on it which Emmet also notices, he then remembers what Vitruvius had told him. And then, suddenly, the cat's mouth on the poster starts moving as Vitruvius speaks]''
:'''Vitruvius''': Believe. I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it's true. ''[Finn uses a magic Lego portal that he's built to send Emmet down, where he can start moving again, and crashes back in Bricksburg after entering the Lego world.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Emmet''': You... don't have to be... the bad guy. You are the most talented, most interesting, and extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things, because you are the Special. ''[Lord Business looks shocked and lowers the Kragle]'' And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up, but it's also true. It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you. And you, still, can change everything.
:''[he holds up the Piece of Resistance. Business, touched by Emmet's speech drops the Kragle and starts walking over to him. Cut to the real world where Finn's father approaches his son, kneels down and hugs Finn, at the same time in Lego world, we see Lord Business is hugging Emmet.]''
:'''Emmet''': Oh, we got a hugger. ''[Emmet hands the Piece of Resistance to Lord Business]'' Be careful, I have been told... it might explode.
:''[Lord Business winks at Emmet, makes his way to the Kragle, in the real world Finn's father places the lid on the Krazy Glue, at the same time Lord Business places the Piece of Resistance on to the Kragle and into the TAKO device]''
:'''Lord Business''': ''[strains, exhales deeply]'' Emmet, thank you. And I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, from this moment forward, I solemnly promise that I will never--
:''[suddenly the Kragle explodes, causing all the micro-managers and nozzles to de-activate. Emmet lands in the middle of the city where his friends are.]''
:'''Benny''': '''''EMMET!'''''
:'''Metalbeard''': '''''Emmet, arr!'''''
:'''Emmet''': ''[Chuckling]'' Hey, everyone! Is everyone okay? Where's Lucy? ''[Unikitty laughs, as the micro-managers fall down]'' ''[Wyldstyle comes up from under a micro-manager]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': Emmet!
:'''Emmet''': Lucy! ''[Emmet rushes over to her and Wyldstyle jumps into his arms]''
:'''Wyldstyle''': We did it! ''[Unikitty laughs]'' ''[Batman clears throat. Just as Emmet and Wyldstyle are about to hold hands Batman interrupts them]'' ''[Emmet gasps]'' Oh, eeehhh. Emmet, wait. Batman, there's something I need to say to you!
:'''Batman''': No, Wyldstyle. I mean, Lucy! ''[he points to Emmet]'' He's the hero you deserve!
:'''Wyldstyle''':  ''[Wyldstyle smiles and Emmet looks behind him to see who Batman was pointing at]'' Thanks, Batman! 
:'''Unikitty''': ''[giggles]'' 
:''[Wyldstyle turns Emmet's face towards her and they finally hold hands as everyone cheers for them. We see Vitruvius's ghostly form hovering over the city watching them]''
:'''Ghost Vitruvius''': ''[breaking the fourth wall]'' I liked Emmet ''before'' he was cool. ''[we see Business is pouring an antidote to unstick everybody]''
:'''President Business''': Whoops! I have the antidote for the Kragle! How did that happen?
:''[at the same time in the real world Finn's father is pouring glue removed all over the Lego pieces as Finn watches]''
:'''Finn''': De-kragler!
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Watch this. YEAH! ''[as Finn's father pours glue remover onto Pa and Ma Cop Finn reunites Bad Cop with his parents]''
:'''Finn''':  Oh, Mommy, Daddy, you're okay!
:''[scene changes to Bad Cop reunited with his parents]''
:'''Ma Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, son! ''[Bad Cop, who's now using his drawn-on Good Cop face, hugs his parents.]''
:'''Good Cop''': Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
:'''Pa Cop''': ''[chuckles]'' We're okay, son. ''[Pa Cop chuckles. In the real world, Finn and his father are playing with the Lego pieces]''
:'''Mom''': ''[calls out]'' Hey, guys? Time to come up for dinner! It’s Taco Tuesday, your favorite!
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Okay, honey, we’ll, be up in a sec.
:'''Finn''': Oh, yeah, we'll be up in a sec!
:'''The Man Upstairs''': I got to tell you something.
:'''Finn''':  What?
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Now that I'm letting you come down here and play, guess who else gets to come down here and play?
:'''Finn''': Who?
:'''The Man Upstairs''': Your sister.
:'''Finn''': ''[surprised]'' What?
:''[last lines; as everyone Emmet and the gang are having a feast on the Double-Decker couch]''
:'''Emmet''': Well, things sure have a way of working out smoothly, am I right, guys? ''[suddenly an alien spaceship hovers above them]'' Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...?!
:''[a trio of [[w:Duplo|Duplo]] alien figures descend into the Lego world]''
:'''Duplo''': ''[Baby voice]'' Well, we're from the planet Duplon, and we're here to destroy you.
:'''Emmet''': Oh, man.

== Taglines ==
* The story of a nobody who saved everybody.

== Cast == 
* [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] as Emmet Brickowski
* [[Will Ferrell]] as President Business/Lord Business/The Man Upstairs (Finn's Father)
* [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]] as Wyldstyle/Lucy
* [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Lego Batman]]
* [[w:Nick Offerman|Nick Offerman]] as Metal Beard
* [[w:Alison Brie|Alison Brie]] as Princess Unikitty
* [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]] as Benny
* [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson]] as Bad Cop/Good Cop/Pa Cop
* [[Morgan Freeman]] as Vitruvius
* [[w:Jadon Sand|Jadon Sand]] as Finn
* [[w:Melissa Sturm|Melissa Sturm]] as Gail/Ma Cop
* [[w:Keith Ferguson|Keith Ferguson]] as [[Han Solo]]
* [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as [[Lando Calrissian]]
* [[Anthony Daniels]] as [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]]
* [[Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal as himself]]
* [[Jake Johnson]] as Barry
* [[w:Robbie Daymond|Robbie Daymond]] as Randy (Uncredited)
* [[w:David Franco|Dave Franco]] as Wally
* [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]] as Foreman Jim
* [[w:Will Forte|Will Forte]] as [[Abraham Lincoln|Lego Abraham Lincoln]]
* [[w:Jorma Taccone|Jorma Taccone]] as [[William Shakespeare|Lego William Shakespeare]]/Sheriff Not a Robot
* [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Octan Robot and Super Secret Police Robots
* [[w:Chris Romano|Chris Romano]] as [[w:Plumber|Plumber]] Joe
* [[w:Amanda Farinos|Amanda Farinos]] as Mom
* [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Larry the [[w:Barista|Barista]]
* [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as [[w:Gandalf|Gandalf]]/Swamp Creature 
* [[w:Doug Nicholas|Doug Nicholas]] as [[w:Surfer|Surfer]] Dave/Micro Managers
* [[w:Chris Paluszek|Chris Paluszek]] as [[w:Robot|Robot]] [[w:Foreman|Foreman]]
* [[w:Kelly Lafferty|Kelly Lafferty]] as Lord Business' Assistant
* [[w:Graham Miller|Graham Miller]] as Lego [[w:Duplo|Duplo]]
* [[w:Leiki Veskimets|Leiki-Veskimets]] as Octan [[w:Computer|Computer]]
* [[w:Phil Lord and Chris Miller|Chris Miller]] as [[w:TV Presenter|TV Presenter]]

== External links ==
* {{Commonscat-inline}}
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{{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}}

{{wikipedia}}
{{Batman}}

[[Category:2014 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
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[[Category:Animated Batman films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Contradiction</title>
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      <text bytes="45381" sha1="818xtiuoapguh3k3a366p9fm4tu0c03" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Square of opposition, set diagrams.svg|thumb|Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]]. ~ [[Thomas Aquinas]]]]
[[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Let us, cautious in [[words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And mighty in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; [[Love]] [[powerfully]]. ~ [[Martin Buber]]]]
[[File:The Tramp Essanay.jpg|thumb|right| I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]]. ~ [[Charlie Chaplin]]]]
[[File:Risen Christ appears to his Mother by Daniele Monteleone.jpg|thumb|right|Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention. ~ [[Deepak Chopra]]]]
[[File:Goethe.png|thumb|That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us productive. ~ [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]] ]]
[[File:Dresden Engels Mauer.jpg|thumb|[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction. ~ [[Engels]]]]
[[File:Gandhi at Darwen with women.jpg|thumb|I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]]. ~ [[Gandhi]]]]
[[File:Gentile da Fabriano 052.jpg|thumb|Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]]. ~ [[Greg Graffin]]]]
[[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't. ~ [[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]]]]
[[File:Nietzsche1882.jpg|thumb|After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;? ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg|right|thumb|What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]]. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]]]]
[[File:Luca Giordano - Dream of Solomon - WGA09004.jpg|thumb|right|Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]]. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]]
[[File:Mao Zedong in front of crowd.jpg|right|thumb|Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction. ~ [[Mao Tse-tung]]]]
[[File:Friedrich Hegel mit Studenten Lithographie F Kugler.jpg|thumb|right|My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe. ~ [[Alfred North Whitehead]]]]
'''[[w:Contradiction| Contradiction]]''' consists of a [[Wiktionary:logica| logical l]] incompatibility between two or more [[w:Propositions|propositions]]. It occurs when the propositions, taken together, yield two [[w:Cconclusions|conclusions]] which form the logical, usually opposite inversions of each other. By extension, outside of [[w: Classical logic|classical logic]], one can speak of contradictions between actions when one presumes that their [[Motivation|motives]] contradict each other.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anon]]}}

== A ==

*He hoped and [[pray]]ed that there wasn't an [[w:Afterlife|afterlife]]. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
**[[Douglas Adams]], in Andy Wrasman ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dYkNAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA64 Contradict: They Can't All Be True''], WestBowPress, 13-Jan-2014, p. 84.

* The conflicts that tear society apart resemble the distinction between the concept and the particular facts subordinated to it. ... Whatever refuses to abide by the unity imposed by the principle of dominion manifests itself not as something indifferent to that principle, but as an infringement of logic: as a contradiction.
** [[Theodor Adorno]], ''Lectures on Negative Dialectics'' (1965-66), as translated by Rodney Livingstone (Polity Press: 2008), p. 169

*Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]].
**[[Thomas Aquinas]], in Jim Kanaris ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vUMjAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA58 Polyphonic Thinking and the Divine]'', Rodopi, 2013, p. 58.

*It  is... [[w:Axiomatic|axiomatic]] that we should all think of ourselves as being more [[sensitive]] than other people because, when we are insensitive in our dealings with others, we cannot be aware of it at the time: [[conscious]] insensitivity is a self-contradiction.
**[[W. H. Auden]], in Robert J. Wicks ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vEdG5zF7yygC Availability: the problem and the gift]'', Paulist Press, 1986, p. 46.

== B ==
*I believe that [[truth]] has only one face: that of a violent contradiction.
**[[Georges Bataille]], in Carol A. Dingle ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=24cJEQDdX7QC&amp;pg=PA17 Memorable Quotations: French Writers of the Past],'' iUniverse, 2000, p. 17.

*...[[w:Erich Fromm|Erich Fromm]] wondered why most people did not become [[insane]] in the face of the existential contradiction between a symbolic self, that seems to give man [[infinite]] worth in a timeless scheme of things, and a [[body]] that is worth about 98¢.
**[[Ernest Becker]], ''[http://www.christianism.com/html/notes/14note63.html. Fear Of Death]'', Christianism.

*Do what you will, this [[world]]'s a [[fiction]] and is made up of contradiction,
**[[William Blake]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6oppgeys5WUC&amp;pg=PA158 The Perennial Satirist: Essays in Honour of Bernfried Nugel, Presented on the Occasion of His 65th Birthday, 13 September 2005]'', LIT Verlag Münster, 01-Jan-2005 p. 158.

*Everything must be recaptured and relocated in the general framework of [[history]], so that despite the difficulties, the fundamental [[paradoxes]] and contradictions, we may respect the unity of history which is also the unity of [[life]].
**[[Fernand Braudel]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Aus0BEQZFXIC&amp;pg=PA16 On History]'', University of Chicago Press, 15 February1982, p. 16.

*Everything tends to make us believe that there exists a certain point of the [[mind]] at which [[life]] and [[death]], the real and the imagined, past and future, the communicable and the incommunicable, high and low, cease to be perceived as contradictions.
**[[Andre Breton]], in Georges Bataille ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=2Yj6s1sjelgC&amp;pg=PA41 Visions of Excess: Selected Writings, 1927-1939]'', U of Minnesota Press, 1985, p. 41.

*&lt;p&gt;'''Every [[morning]] &lt;br&gt; I shall concern myself anew about the boundary &lt;br&gt; Between the [[love]]-[[deed]]-Yes and the [[power]]-deed-No &lt;br&gt; And pressing forward [[honor]] [[reality]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''We cannot avoid &lt;br&gt; Using power, &lt;br&gt; Cannot escape the compulsion &lt;br&gt; To afflict the [[world]], &lt;br&gt; So let us, cautious in [[Words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And [[mighty]] in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; Love powerfully.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Martin Buber]], in &quot;Power and Love&quot; (1926).

== C ==

*A quarter of [[America]] is a [[w:Dramatic|dramatic]], [[w:Tense|tense]], [[violent]] [[country]], [[w:Exploding|exploding]] with contradictions, full of [[w:Violent|brutal]], [[w:Physiological|physiological]] [[vitality]], and that is the America that I have really loved and [[love]]. But a good half of it is a country of [[boredom]], [[w:Emptiness|emptiness]], [[w:Monotony|monotony]], brainless [[production]], and brainless [[w:Consumption|consumption]], and this is the American [[inferno]].
**[[Italo Calvino]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=N0612RRjfO4C&amp;pg=PA197 Italo Calvino: Letters, 1941-1985]'', Princeton University Press, 2013, p. 197.

*I never saw a contradiction between the [[ideas]] that sustain me and the ideas of that [[symbol]], of that extraordinary figure [[Jesus Christ]].
**[[Fidel Castro]], in Jared C. Wilson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mXRvi_b0FD0C&amp;pg=PA12 Your Jesus Is Too Safe: Outgrowing a Drive-Thru, Feel-Good Savio''r], Kregel Publications, 2009, p. 12.

*On the way to the [[w:Wardrobe|wardrobe]] I thought I would [[w:Dress|dress]] in [[w:Baggy pants|baggy pants]], big [[shoes]], and a [[w:Cane|cane]] and a [[w:Derby hat|derby hat]]. I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]].
**[[Charlie Chaplin]], in Keith Johnstone ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B2FO8HhgH-0C&amp;pg=PT145 Impro: Improvisation and the Theatre]'', A&amp;amp;C Black, 29-Jun-2007, p. 145.

*[[Courage]] is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong [[desire]] to live taking the form of readiness to die.
**[[G. K. Chesterton]], in John Eldredge ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0p_3DcMR5okC&amp;pg=PA171 Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul]'', Thomas Nelson Inc, 17-Mar-2011, p. 171.

*Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention.
**[[Deepak Chopra]], in Mary-Anne Frank ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NaSPAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA79 The Cinderella Evolution]'', BalboaPress, 10 October 2013, p. 79.

*The reserve of modern [[Wiktionary:assertion|assertions]] is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the [[fear]] of being contradicted leads the [[writer]] to strip himself of almost all [[sense]] and meaning.
**[[Winston Churchill]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=DZIqAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT78 A History of the English-Speaking Peoples Vol. 1: The Birth of Britain]'', RosettaBooks, 29-Apr-2013, p. 78.

*So you're trying to make her [[happy]] despite the fact that the reason she'd unhappy in the first place is you,&quot; said Simon not very kindly. &quot;That seems contradictory, doesn't it?&quot; &quot;Love is a contradiction,&quot; said Jace, and turned back to the window.
**[[Cassandra Clare]], ''[http://readmortalinstrumentstoday.blogspot.in/2013/01/city-of-fallen angels City of Fallen Angels]'', Read The Mortal Instruments.

*[[Jesus]] lived a [[life]] that was full of [[joy]] and contradictions and [[fights]], you know? If they were to [[paint]] a [[picture]] of Jesus without contradictions, the [[gospel]]s would be [[w:Fake|fake]], but the contradictions are a sign of [[w:Authenticity|authenticity]].
**[[Paulo Coelho]], in Stuart Jeffries ''[http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/mar/17/paulo-coelho-manuscript-found-in-accra Paulo Coelho on Jesus, Twitter and the difference between defeat and failure],'' The Guardian, 17 March 2013.

== D ==
== E ==

*Let me never fall into the [[w:Vulgar|vulgar]] [[mistake]] of dreaming that I am [[persecuted]] whenever I am contradicted.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ijoOVniDTz8C&amp;pg=PA206 Emerson in His Journals]'', Harvard University Press, 1 January 1984, p. 206.

*Else if you would be a man [[speak]] what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon balls, and to-morrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=1HsqAAAAMAAJ Essays and poems of Emerson]'', Harcourt, Brace, 1921, p. 157.

* I am very conscious of the fact that our feelings and strivings are often contradictory and obscure and that they cannot be expressed in easy and simple formulas.
**[[Albert Einstein]], ''{{w|Why Socialism?}}'' (1949), ''{{w|Monthly Review}}'' [http://www.monthlyreview.org/598einst.htm] New York (May 1949)

*[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*... one of the basic principles of higher [[mathematics]] is the contradiction that in certain circumstances straight lines and curves may be the same.... But even lower mathematics teems with contradictions.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*If simple mechanical change of place contains a contradiction, this is even more true of the higher forms of motion of [[w:matter|matter]], and especially of organic [[life]] and its development... life consists precisely and primarily in this--that a being is at each moment itself and yet something else. Life is therefore also a contradiction which is present in things and processes themselves, and which constantly originates and resolves itself; and as soon as the contradiction ceases, life, too, comes to an end, and [[death]] steps in. We likewise saw that also in the sphere of [[thought]] we could not escape contradictions, and that for example the contradiction between man's inherently unlimited capacity for [[knowledge]] and its actual presence only in men who are externally limited and possess limited [[cognition]] finds its solution in what is--at least practically, for us--an endless succession of generations, in [[infinite]] [[progress]].
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

== F ==

*I have only found the key to the [[cipher]] of the [[Christianity|Christian religion]], only extricated its [[tru]]e meaning from the web of contradictions and [[w:Delusions|delusions]] called [[theology]].
**[[Ludwig Feuerbach]], in Irving Hexham, er al., [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=XKK_mjQO5r0C&amp;pg=PA101 Encountering New Religious Movements: A Holistic Evangelical Approach (Google eBook)], Kregel Academic, p. 101.

*A strange contradiction  the [[Mahatma Gandhi|Mahatma]] was...there was a kind of [[w:Androgynous|androgynous]], [[w:Charismatic|charismatic]] [[w:Vitality|vitality]] that lurked within him , a dangerously [[w:Effeminacy|effeminate]] [[quality]] that could provoke high [[anxiety]].
**Frederick  B. Fischer, in “That Strange Little Brown Man quoted” in Sean Scalmer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oDcXJxRR4TUC&amp;pg=PA22   Gandhi in the West: The Mahatma and the Rise of Radical Protest]'', Cambridge University Press, 6 January 2011, p. 22.

*The [[people]] heard it, and approved the [[doctrine]], and immediately practiced the contrary.
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], in Jan Logemann ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Fd_FAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA268 The Development of Consumer Credit in Global Perspective: Business, Regulation, and Culture]'', Palgrave Macmillan, 17 July 2012,  p. 268.

*[[Reason]] is man's [[w:Intelligence|faculty]] for grasping the [[world]] by [[thought]], in contradiction to [[intelligence]], which is man's [[ability]] to [[w:Manipulate|manipulate]] the world with the help of thought. Reason is man's instrument for arriving at the [[truth]], intelligence is man's instrument for manipulating the world more successfully; the former is essentially human, the latter belongs to the animal part of man.
**[[Erich Fromm]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=HqXo0OpTd3cC&amp;pg=PT74&amp;lpg=PT74 The Sane Society''], Open Road Media, 26-Mar-2013, p. 74.

== G ==
*I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]].
**[[Gandhi]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=F3oUAQAAMAAJ Talking Leaves: A Journal of Spiritual Ecology/activism, Volumes 10-12], Deep Ecology Education Project, 2000, p. 20
** Gandhi addressed them thus when he had organized a very large march, and thousands of people came. After a while he noticed that it had the potential to become violent, so he gathered the people together and told them that he was calling the march off. There was anger. Many people had sacrificed a great deal to be there.

*[[Paradox]]es specific to the [[work]] are, in a sense, the counterpart of the contradictions of the perceivable [[world]].
**Robin Wildstein Garvin, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B-kYfRGIoPkC&amp;pg=PA9 Romantic Irony in the String Quartets of Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy and Robert Schumann]'', ProQuest, 2008, p. 9.

*That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us [[w:Productive|productive]].
**[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], in E. A. Bucchianeri ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=gEg3XuQZ7KwC&amp;pg=PA654 Faust: My Soul be Damned for the World, Volume 2''], AuthorHouse, 2008, p. 654.

*The [[market]] came with the dawn of [[civilization]] and it is not an [[invention]] of [[capitalism]]. If it leads to improving the well-being of the people there is no contradiction with [[socialism]].
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], in Eamonn Butler ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wTTzt10GE00C&amp;pg=PT105 The Best Book on the Market: How to stop worrying and love the free economy]'', John Wiley &amp; Sons, 21-Jul-2009, p. 105.

*Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]].
**[[Greg Graffin]], in  Emily Zemler ''[http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/bad-religion-cut-an-unlikely-christmas-ep-20131128 Bad Religion Cut an Unlikely Christmas EP]'', Rolling Stone, November 28, 2013.

== H ==

*I try to get closer to [[reality]], to get close to the contradictions. The [[cinema]] [[world]] can be a real world rather than a [[dream]] world.
**[[w:Michael Haneke|Michael Haneke]], ''[http://metro.co.uk/2012/11/15/michael-haneke-i-try-to-get-closer-to-reality-close-to-the-contradictions-494780/ Michael Haneke: I try to get closer to reality, close to the contradiction]'', Metro, 15 November 2012.

*The prime requisite of a set of [[w:Postulates|postulates]] is that it be consistent. Since the ordinary [[notion]] of [[consistency]] involves that of contradiction, which again involves [[w:Negation|negation]], and since this [[w:Function|function]] does not appear in general as a primitive in [the generalized set of postulates] a new [[definition]] must be given.
**[[w:Jean Van Heijenoort|Jean Van Heijenoort]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v4tBTBlU05sC&amp;pg=PA276 From Frege to Gödel: A Source Book in Mathematical Logic, 1879-1931]'', Harvard University Press, 1977, p. 276.

*[[Nations]] without a past are contradictions in terms. What makes a nation is the past, what justifies one nation against others is the past, and historians are the people who produce it.
**[[w:Eric J. Hobsbawm|Eric J. Hobsbawm]], in Gopal Balakrishnan, Benedict Anderson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=39IHUaOV9fUC&amp;pg=PA255 Mapping the Nation (Mappings Series)]'', Verso Books, 13 November 2012 , p. 255.

*It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between [[w:Profession|profession]] and [[practice]] - that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their [[faith]] on others.
**[[Eric Hoffer]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OdJihMArdlAC The True Believer]'', 1980, p. 115.

*When we examine the [[opinion]]s of men, we find that nothing is more uncommon than [[common sense]]; or, in other words, they lack [[judgment]] to discover plain [[truth]]s or to reject [[absurdities]] and palpable contradictions.
**[[Baron d'Holbach|Paul-Henry Baron d'Holbach]], in Dale McGowan ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wWWU32YNq4UC&amp;pg=PA64 Voices of Unbelief: Documents from Atheists and Agnostics]'', ABC-CLIO, 2012, p. 64.

*Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't.
**[[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5HpQAAAAMAAJ Illustration, America: twenty-five outstanding portfolios]'', Rockport Publishers/Allworth Press, 1996, p. 139.

*In [[w:Afghanistan|Afghan]] [[society]], [[parents]] play a central role in the lives of their [[children]]; the parent-child [[w:Relationship|relationship]] is fundamental to who you are and what you become and how you perceive yourself, and it is laden with contradictions, with [[w:Tension|tension]], with [[anger]], with [[love]], with [[w:Loathing|loathing]], with [[w:Angst|angst]].
**[[w:Khaled Hossein|Khaled Hossein]], ''[http://www.csmonitor.com/layout/set/basic/Books/2008/1124/barnes-noble-interview-with-khaled-hosseini/%28page%29/5 Barnes &amp; Noble interview with Khaled Hosseini]'', Barnes &amp; Noble.

== I ==
== J ==
== K ==

*Do you think when two representatives holding diametrically opposing views get together and shake hands, the contradictions between our systems will simply melt away? What kind of a [[w:Daydream|daydream]] is that?
**[[Nikita Khrushchev]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=V9EVAQAAMAAJ Khrushchev Remembers; the Last Testament, Volume 2]'', Little, Brown, 1974, p. 415.

* '''All [[skepticism]] is a kind of [[idealism]].''' Hence when the skeptic [[Zeno of Elea|Zeno]] pursued the study of skepticism by endeavoring existentially to keep himself unaffected by whatever happened, so that when once he had gone out of his way to avoid a mad dog, he shamefacedly admitted that even a skeptical philosopher is also sometimes a man, '''I find nothing [[ridiculous]] in this. There is no contradiction, and the comical always lies in a contradiction.''' &lt;!-- On the other hand, when one thinks of all the miserable idealistic lecture-witticisms, the jesting and coquetry in connection with playing the idealist while in the professorial chair, so that the lecturer is not really an idealist, but only plays the fashionable game of being an idealist; when one remembers the lecture-phrase about doubting everything, while occupying the lecture platform, aye, then it is impossible not to write a [[satire]] merely by recounting the [[facts]]. Through an existential attempt to be an idealist, one would learn in the course of half a year something very different from this game of hide-and-seek on the lecture platform. '''There is no special difficulty connected with being an idealist in the imagination; but to exist as an idealist is an extremely strenuous task, because existence itself constitutes a hindrance and an objection.''' To express existentially what one has understood about oneself, and in this manner to understand oneself, is in no way comical. But to understand everything except one’s own self is very comical. --&gt;
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'' (1846), p. 315, as translated by David F. Swenson and Walter Lowrie (1941).

*Really, [[life]] is full of contradictions. Life is messy.
**John N. Kotre, Elizabeth Hall, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=b7hiKxl9jZ4C&amp;pg=PA375 Seasons of Life: The Dramatic Journey from Birth to Death]'', University of Michigan Press, 1990, p. 375.

== L ==

*[[Dialectics]] in the proper [[sense]] is the study of contradiction in the very [[essence]] of objects.
**[[Lenin]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*Only by learning to live in [[harmony]] with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.
**[[Audre Lorde]], in  Kimberly Wallace-Sanders ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=PQG67 Skin Deep, Spirit Strong: The Black Female Body in American Culture]'', University of Michigan Press, 2002, p. 67.

== M ==

*The very contradictions in my [[life]] are in some ways signs of [[God]]'s [[mercy]] to me.
**[[Thomas Merton]], in Loren E. Pedersen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=23pySdU-s18C&amp;pg=PA49 Dark Hearts: The Unconscious Forces That Shape Men's Lives]'', iUniverse, 2002, p. 49.

*[[w:Good taste|Good taste]] and [[humor]] are a contradiction in terms, like a [[w:Chaste|chaste]] [[whore]].
**[[Malcolm Muggeridge]], in John G. Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=RFqlPtTSB2kC&amp;pg=PA200 Robertson's Words for a Modern Age: A Cross Reference of Latin and Greek]'', Senior Scribe Publications, 01-Jan-1991, p. 200.

*[[Capitalism]] is not so much an [[w:Aberration|aberration]] as a step on an [[evolution]]ary path, and one that contains within it some of the answers to its own contradictions.
**[[w:Geoff Mulgan|Geoff Mulgan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=A4gXkeGQkj4C&amp;pg=PA209 The Locust and the Bee: Predators and Creators in Capitalism's Future (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 27 February 2013, p. 209.

== N ==

*[[Mahatma Gandhi|Mohandas K.Gandhi]] often changed his [[mind]] publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
**Chesapeake (Random House) Editorial in Detroit News,  in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Eho0AAAAIAAJ The Reader's Digest, Volume 118, Issue 1]'', The Reader's Digest Association, 1981, p. 1.

*...it is trite that contradictions per se do not lead to the rejection of a [[witness]]’s [[evidence]] and what the trier of fact has to take into consideration, are matters such as the nature of the contradictions; their number and importance, and their bearing on other parts of the witness’s evidence. These differences could either be [[immaterial]] to the charges the accused is facing or bona fide [[mistakes]] made by a witness.
**Nicholas, J, in ''[http://www.superiorcourts.org.na/high/docs/judgments/criminal/the%20state%20versus%20amakali%20leevi%20s%20174%20application.pdf Case No. 38/2008 In the matter between:The State And Amakali Leevi]'', Superiorcourts.org , p. 5.

*One is fruitful only at the cost of being [[rich]] in contradictions.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Wolfgang Müller-Lauter ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=BYKgPUIwx2gC&amp;pg=PA7 Nietzsche: His Philosophy of Contradictions and the Contradictions of His Philosophy]'', University of Illinois Press, 01-Jan-1999, p. 7.

*After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;?
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Onora O'Neill ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oOdovrGKYWoC&amp;pg=PA159 The Sources of Normativity]'', Cambridge University Press, 28-Jun-1996, p. 159.

*We must be [[physicists]] in order to be [[creative]] since so far codes of values and [[ideals]] have been constructed in [[ignorance]] of [[physics]] or even in contradiction to physics.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Carl C. Gaither, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IOFmZoesMNoC&amp;pg=PA1114 Gaither's Dictionary of Scientific Quotations]'', Springer, 08-Jan-2008,

*[[Theories]] which are [[logic]]ally self-contradictory may be significant and [[fruitful]] just in so far as their self-contradictory.
**[[w:Richard Norman|Richard Norman]], in Joe McCarney ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=d6fqWbG_FSMC&amp;pg=PA56  Social Theory and the Crisis of Marxism]'', Verso, 1990, p. 56.

*I'm fascinated by the ways in which people express themselves, because their responses are often counter to what they're actually feeling. Like when they're frightened, they tend to [[w:Freeze|freeze]]. When they're [[angry]], it doesn't always come out as volume. There are wonderful contradictions in the way that people express their [[emotions]].
**[[Edward Norton]], in Scott Tobias ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/edward-norton-14047 Interview Edward Norton]'', A.V. Club, 3 January 2007.

== O ==

*I was listening to a lot of hip hop, [[music]] like Public [[Enemy]] that was about raising [[consciousness]], and I realised I could feed that directly into my [[work]], using [[images]] in a way that was a bit like sampling - taking images from diverse places, exploring the contradictions without trying to hide the seams.
**[[w:Chris Ofili|Chris Ofili]], in Mark Hudson ''[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/7073175/Chris-Ofili-I-wander-deep-into-the-forest-where-its-scary.html Chris Ofili: 'I wander deep into the forest - where it's scary']'', The Telegraph, 25 January 2010.

== P ==

*Is it not a species of [[blasphemy]] to call the [[New Testament]] revealed [[religion]], when we see in it such contradictions and [[w:Absurdities|absurdities]].
**[[Thomas Paine]], in Todd Andrew Rohrer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0s9VKFWiqIAC&amp;pg=PA208 This Time They Perceive, Volume 15 (Google eBook)]'', iUniverse, 11 June 2010, p. 208.

*Contradiction is not a sign of [[w:Falsity|falsity]], nor the lack of contradiction a sign of [[truth]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in George Englebretsen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=aOg_g8JSfKUC&amp;pg=PA153 Bare Facts and Naked Truths: A New Correspondence Theory of Truth]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 2006, p. 153.

*What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in Fred B. Craddock, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Dw3ONttJgPUC&amp;pg=PA51 Preaching Through the Christian Year: Year C: A Comprehensive Commentary on the Lectionary (Google eBook)]'', Bloomsbury Publishing USA, 01-Nov-1994, p. 51.

*. . . I in my astonishment said: What do you mean [[w:Dionysodorus|Dionysodorus]]? I have often heard, and have been amazed to hear, this [[thesis]] of yours, which is maintained and employed by the disciples of [[w:Protagoras|Protagoras]] and others before them, and which to me appears to be quite [[wonderful]], and [[w:Suicidal|suicidal]] as well as [[w:Destructive|destructive]], and I think that I am most likely to hear the [[truth]] about it from you. The [[dictum]] is that there is no such thing as a [[falsehood]]; a man must either say what is [[true]] or say nothing. Is not that your position?
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mFcMAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA211 The Dialogues of Plato: Charmides. Lysis. Laches. Protagoras. Euthydemus. Cratylus. Phaedrus. Ion. Symposium (Google eBook)]'', Macmillan, 1875, p. 211.

*But when I describe something and you describe another thing, or I say something and you say nothing  - Is there any contradiction? How can he who speaks contradict him who [[speak]]s not.
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=l-1Cb0gomSwC&amp;pg=PA49 Euthydemus]'', Arc Manor LLC, 1 February 2009, p. 49.

*He who comes from afar may lie without [[fear]] of contradiction as he is sure to be listened to with the utmost [[w:Attention|attention]].
**[[French proverbs]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=kJXb8UHBI8sC&amp;pg=PA13 Quotes about Speakers and Speaking]'', Quotations Book, p. 13.

== Q ==
== R ==

*Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your [[w:Premises|premises]]. You will find that one of them is [[wrong]].
**[[Ayn Rand]], in Edward Wayne Younkins ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5_NDTA9x-qMC&amp;pg=PA128 Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged: A Philosophical and Literary Companion]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 1 January 2007, p. 128.

*Part of me is drawn to the [[nature]] of [[sad]]ness because I think [[life]] is sad, and sadness is not something that should be avoided or denied. It's a fact of [[life]], like contradictions are.
**[[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]], in Suzie Mackenzie ''[http://www.theguardian.com/film/2004/aug/14/features.weekend American dreamer]'', The Guardian, 14 August 2004.

*Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]].
**[[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://zenofzero.net/docs/IeEvaluatingProofsofGod.pdf. Ie – Evaluating “Proofs” of God’s Existence]'', Zenofzero.net, 30 October 2012.

== S ==
*Those [[laws]], being forged for universal application, are in perpetual conflict with personal interest, just as personal interest is always in contradiction with the general interest. Good for [[society]], our laws are very bad for the [[individuals]] whereof it is composed; for, if they one time protect the individual, they hinder, [[trouble]], [[w:Fetter|fetter]] him for three quarters of his [[life]].
**[[Marquis De Sade]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=7T2WYXK6YFgC&amp;pg=PT422 Justine, Philosophy in the Bedroom]'', Grove Press, 01-Dec-2007, p. 422.

*The major [[religions]] on the [[Earth]] contradict each other left and right. You can't all be correct. And what if all of you are wrong? It's a possibility, you know. You must care about the [[truth]], right? Well, the way to [[w:Winnow|winnow]] through all the differing contentions is to be [[w:Skeptical|skeptical]]. I'm not any more skeptical about your religious beliefs than I am about every new scientific idea I hear about. But in my line of work, they're called [[w:Hypotheses|hypotheses]], not [[inspiration]] and not [[revelation]].
**[[Carl Sagan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Q6o51-W_z8MC&amp;pg=PA162  Contact''], Simon and Schuster, 1997, p. 162.

*When you [[w:Encounter|encounter]] [[w:Difficulties|difficulties]] and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.
**[[w:Saint Francis de Sales|Saint Francis de Sales]], in Gabriella D. Filippi ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=X1fQJ97lAC8C&amp;pg=PA30 Celebrate Your Seasons: Inspirational Devotions to Progress in Love and Grace (Google eBook)]'', University Press of America, 10-Jul-2012, p. 30.

*In [[art]], and maybe just in general, the [[idea]] is to be able to be really comfortable with contradictory ideas. In other words, [[wisdom]] might be, seem to be, two contradictory ideas both expressed at their highest level and just let to sit in the same cage sort of, vibrating. So, I think as a writer, I'm really never sure of what I really believe.
**[[w:George Saunders|George Saunders]], ''[http://www.aninspirationbook.com/2013_03_01_archive.html 3 George Saunders Quotations About Confusion and Contradiction]'', An Inspiration Book, 26 March 2013.

*How can what an [[w:Englishman|Englishman]] believes be [[w:Hearsay|hearsay]]? It is a contradiction in terms.
**[[George Bernard Shaw]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6vcQbxPNsrAC&amp;pg=PA41 Quotes by Shaw George Bernard]'', Quotations Book.

*[[Life]] is never free of contradictions.
**[[Manmohan Singh]], in Beryl A. Radin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8VsgoeytYf0C&amp;pg=PT131 Federal Management Reform in a World of Contradictions]'', Georgetown University Press, 1 March 2012, p. 131.

== T ==

*In [[love]] all the contradiction of [[w:Existence|existence]] merge themselves and are lost. Only in love are [[unity]] and [[w:Duality|duality]] not at variance. Love must be one and two at the same time.
**[[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=lkj0ok-BEJsC&amp;printsec=frontcover Sadhana the Realization of Life]'', Filiquarian Publishing, LLC., 01-Jan-2006, p. 90.

* The person you are the most afraid to contradict is yourself.
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Preludes, p.3.

* ... I have something of a [[guess]]: [[Niels Bohr|Bohr]] liked [[paradox]]es. I wanted to eliminate contradictions. He liked those contradictions. And — what I said so far is true — but what I am now going to say is probably true. And — Bohr liked contradictions with good reason ... The simple, straightforward way how we see the world ... it is not a [[w:Wave function|wavefunction]]. It is something that I can describe and understand. If I don't start from such ideas then I can't possibly know what I'm talking about. ... You must start from practical theory with all the contradictions that a detailed [[observation]] then leads to. Then as a next step you resolve these contradictions.
**[[Edward Teller]]: {{cite web|title=Edward Teller - Drinking tea with Niels Bohr (32/147)|date=27 September 2017|website=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP22qvdF8YY}}

*[[Marx]] believed, the contradictions of [[capitalism]] would lead to [[communism]], a classless [[society]] that operates on the principle of “from each according to his [[ability]], to each according to his need.
**Alex Thio, Jim Taylor, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hlGnj-Ce6M4C&amp;pg=PA299 Social Problems]'', Jones &amp; Bartlett Publishers, 11-Feb-2011m p,299.

*I don't think anyone now really understands the planetisation of [[mankind]], really understands the new [[world]] order emerging through all this period of [[strain]] and [[pain]] and contradiction, so more than ever, we need to have an internal [[sense]] of [[navigation]].
**[[William Irwin Thompson]], in Katherine Hunt ''[http://issuu.com/katherinehunt/docs/final_book_change Change]'', Digital Publishing Platform for Magazines, Catalogs (ISSUU), p. 19.

*[[Philosophy]] offers the rather cold [[consolation]] that perhaps we and our [[planet]] do not actually exist; [[religion]] presents the contradictory and scarcely more comforting [[thought]] that we exist but that we cannot hope to get anywhere until we cease to exist. [[Alcohol]], in attempting to resolve the contradiction, produces [[vivid]] [[w:Patterns|patterns]] of [[Truth]] which [[w:Vanish|vanish]] like [[snow]] in the morning [[sun]] and cannot be recalled; the [[revelations]] of [[poetry]] are as wonderful as a [[comet]] in the skies , and as [[mysterious]]. [[Love]], which was once believed to contain the Answer, we now know to be nothing more than an inherited behavior [[w:Pattern|pattern]].
**[[James Thurber]], in Henry Goddard Leach ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=who-AAAAMAAJ Forum and Century, Volume 101]'', The Forum Publishing Co., 1939, p. 309

*[[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] or [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction has a twofold meaning. One is that contradiction exists in the process of [[development]] of all things, and the other is that in the process of development of each thing a movement of opposites exists from beginning to end.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], ''[http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/mao/selected-works/volume-1/mswv1_17.htm Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction]'', August 1937.

*Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The [[sciences]] are differentiated precisely on the basis of the particular contradictions inherent in their respective objects of study. Thus the contradiction peculiar to a certain field of phenomena constitutes the object of study for a specific branch of [[science]]. For example, positive and negative numbers in [[mathematics]]; action and reaction in [[mechanics]]; positive and negative[[electricity]] in [[physics]]; [[w:Dissociation (chemistry)|dissociation]] and combination in [[chemistry]]; forces of [[production]] and [[relations]] of production, classes and [[w:Class struggle|class struggle]], in [[social science]]; offence and defence in [[w:Military science|military science]]; [[idealism]] and [[materialism]], the [[metaphysical]] outlook and the [[w:Dialectical|dialectical]] outlook, in [[philosophy]]; and so on--all these are the objects of study of different branches of science precisely because each branch has its own particular contradiction and particular [[essence]].
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The cardinal responsibility of [[leadership]] is to [[identify]] the dominant contradiction at each point of the historical process and to work out a central line to resolve it.
**[[Mao Tse-Tung]], in Audrey Kurth Cronin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=E-bTT2DXZ0EC&amp;pg=PA14 How Terrorism Ends: Understanding the Decline and Demise of Terrorist Campaigns (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 24-Aug-2009, p. 14.

== U ==

*If a man never contradicts himself, the [[w:Reason|reason]] must be that he virtually never says anything at all.
**[[Miguel de Unamuno]], in Elliot Lovegood Grant Watson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=uz0KovScWK8C&amp;pg=PA167 The Mystery of Physical Life]'', SteinerBooks, 1992, p. 167.

== V ==
== W ==
*As the new [[spirituality]] begins to become the pervasive spirituality of the [[w:Planet|planet]], we'll find that we have abandoned our [[philosophy]] of contradictions in which we say we're all one but continue to try to win.
**[[w:Neale Donald Walsch|Neale Donald Walsch]], in Janice Hughes and Dennis Hughes ''[http://www.shareguide.com/Walsch.html Interview with Neale Donald Walsch Educator, Lecturer and Bestselling author of Conversations with God]'', Share Guide Publishers.

*My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe.
**[[Alfred North Whitehead]], in Max Harold Fisch ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=tlUFYCrOxdkC&amp;pg=PA19 Classic American Philosophers: Peirce, James, Royce, Santayana, Dewey, Whitehead : Selections from Their Writings]'', Fordham Univ Press, 1996, p. 19.

*Do I [[w:Contradict|contradict]] myself?&lt;br&gt;Very well then I contradict myself,&lt;br&gt;(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
**[[Walt Whitman]], &quot;Song of Myself&quot; verse 51 lines 6-8 ''[http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174745]''

*The [[w:Well-bred|well-bred]] contradict other people. The [[wise]] contradict themselves.
**[[Oscar Wilde]], in Bruce Bashford ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NQRrYgZhwa4C&amp;pg=PA68 Oscar Wilde: The Critic as Humanist]'', Fairleigh Dickinson Univ Press, 1999, p. 68.

*The essence of [[humanity]]'s [[spiritual]] [[w:Dilemma|dilemma]] is that we evolved genetically to accept one [[truth]] and discovered another. Is there a way to erase the dilemma, to resolve the contradictions between the [[w:Transcendentalist|transcendentalist]] and the [[w:Empiricist|empiricist]] [[world]] views?
**[[E. O. Wilson]], in Derek Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IGMIWiM_aacC&amp;pg=PA177 The Moral Compass: A Personal Search for Meaning]'', Lulu.com, 2006, p. 177.

*[[w:Propositions|Propositions]] show what they say: [[w:Tautology (logic)|tautologies]] and contradictions show that they say nothing.
**[[Ludwig Wittgenstein]], in Joachim Schulte ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8yiDXnF7Ov4C&amp;pg=PA59 Wittgenstein: An Introduction]'', SUNY Press, 1 January 1992, p. 59.

== X ==
== Y ==
== Z ==
== Anonymous ==

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|contradiction}}

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      <text bytes="45381" sha1="ejntpo5gfrmd8a4uqqxw347jey9fu9y" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Let us, cautious in [[words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And mighty in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; [[Love]] [[powerfully]]. ~ [[Martin Buber]]]]
[[File:Square of opposition, set diagrams.svg|thumb|Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]]. ~ [[Thomas Aquinas]]]]
[[File:The Tramp Essanay.jpg|thumb|right| I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]]. ~ [[Charlie Chaplin]]]]
[[File:Risen Christ appears to his Mother by Daniele Monteleone.jpg|thumb|right|Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention. ~ [[Deepak Chopra]]]]
[[File:Goethe.png|thumb|That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us productive. ~ [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]] ]]
[[File:Dresden Engels Mauer.jpg|thumb|[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction. ~ [[Engels]]]]
[[File:Gandhi at Darwen with women.jpg|thumb|I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]]. ~ [[Gandhi]]]]
[[File:Gentile da Fabriano 052.jpg|thumb|Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]]. ~ [[Greg Graffin]]]]
[[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't. ~ [[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]]]]
[[File:Nietzsche1882.jpg|thumb|After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;? ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg|right|thumb|What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]]. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]]]]
[[File:Luca Giordano - Dream of Solomon - WGA09004.jpg|thumb|right|Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]]. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]]
[[File:Mao Zedong in front of crowd.jpg|right|thumb|Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction. ~ [[Mao Tse-tung]]]]
[[File:Friedrich Hegel mit Studenten Lithographie F Kugler.jpg|thumb|right|My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe. ~ [[Alfred North Whitehead]]]]
'''[[w:Contradiction| Contradiction]]''' consists of a [[Wiktionary:logica| logical l]] incompatibility between two or more [[w:Propositions|propositions]]. It occurs when the propositions, taken together, yield two [[w:Cconclusions|conclusions]] which form the logical, usually opposite inversions of each other. By extension, outside of [[w: Classical logic|classical logic]], one can speak of contradictions between actions when one presumes that their [[Motivation|motives]] contradict each other.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anon]]}}

== A ==

*He hoped and [[pray]]ed that there wasn't an [[w:Afterlife|afterlife]]. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
**[[Douglas Adams]], in Andy Wrasman ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dYkNAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA64 Contradict: They Can't All Be True''], WestBowPress, 13-Jan-2014, p. 84.

* The conflicts that tear society apart resemble the distinction between the concept and the particular facts subordinated to it. ... Whatever refuses to abide by the unity imposed by the principle of dominion manifests itself not as something indifferent to that principle, but as an infringement of logic: as a contradiction.
** [[Theodor Adorno]], ''Lectures on Negative Dialectics'' (1965-66), as translated by Rodney Livingstone (Polity Press: 2008), p. 169

*Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]].
**[[Thomas Aquinas]], in Jim Kanaris ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vUMjAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA58 Polyphonic Thinking and the Divine]'', Rodopi, 2013, p. 58.

*It  is... [[w:Axiomatic|axiomatic]] that we should all think of ourselves as being more [[sensitive]] than other people because, when we are insensitive in our dealings with others, we cannot be aware of it at the time: [[conscious]] insensitivity is a self-contradiction.
**[[W. H. Auden]], in Robert J. Wicks ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vEdG5zF7yygC Availability: the problem and the gift]'', Paulist Press, 1986, p. 46.

== B ==
*I believe that [[truth]] has only one face: that of a violent contradiction.
**[[Georges Bataille]], in Carol A. Dingle ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=24cJEQDdX7QC&amp;pg=PA17 Memorable Quotations: French Writers of the Past],'' iUniverse, 2000, p. 17.

*...[[w:Erich Fromm|Erich Fromm]] wondered why most people did not become [[insane]] in the face of the existential contradiction between a symbolic self, that seems to give man [[infinite]] worth in a timeless scheme of things, and a [[body]] that is worth about 98¢.
**[[Ernest Becker]], ''[http://www.christianism.com/html/notes/14note63.html. Fear Of Death]'', Christianism.

*Do what you will, this [[world]]'s a [[fiction]] and is made up of contradiction,
**[[William Blake]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6oppgeys5WUC&amp;pg=PA158 The Perennial Satirist: Essays in Honour of Bernfried Nugel, Presented on the Occasion of His 65th Birthday, 13 September 2005]'', LIT Verlag Münster, 01-Jan-2005 p. 158.

*Everything must be recaptured and relocated in the general framework of [[history]], so that despite the difficulties, the fundamental [[paradoxes]] and contradictions, we may respect the unity of history which is also the unity of [[life]].
**[[Fernand Braudel]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Aus0BEQZFXIC&amp;pg=PA16 On History]'', University of Chicago Press, 15 February1982, p. 16.

*Everything tends to make us believe that there exists a certain point of the [[mind]] at which [[life]] and [[death]], the real and the imagined, past and future, the communicable and the incommunicable, high and low, cease to be perceived as contradictions.
**[[Andre Breton]], in Georges Bataille ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=2Yj6s1sjelgC&amp;pg=PA41 Visions of Excess: Selected Writings, 1927-1939]'', U of Minnesota Press, 1985, p. 41.

*&lt;p&gt;'''Every [[morning]] &lt;br&gt; I shall concern myself anew about the boundary &lt;br&gt; Between the [[love]]-[[deed]]-Yes and the [[power]]-deed-No &lt;br&gt; And pressing forward [[honor]] [[reality]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''We cannot avoid &lt;br&gt; Using power, &lt;br&gt; Cannot escape the compulsion &lt;br&gt; To afflict the [[world]], &lt;br&gt; So let us, cautious in [[Words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And [[mighty]] in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; Love powerfully.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Martin Buber]], in &quot;Power and Love&quot; (1926).

== C ==

*A quarter of [[America]] is a [[w:Dramatic|dramatic]], [[w:Tense|tense]], [[violent]] [[country]], [[w:Exploding|exploding]] with contradictions, full of [[w:Violent|brutal]], [[w:Physiological|physiological]] [[vitality]], and that is the America that I have really loved and [[love]]. But a good half of it is a country of [[boredom]], [[w:Emptiness|emptiness]], [[w:Monotony|monotony]], brainless [[production]], and brainless [[w:Consumption|consumption]], and this is the American [[inferno]].
**[[Italo Calvino]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=N0612RRjfO4C&amp;pg=PA197 Italo Calvino: Letters, 1941-1985]'', Princeton University Press, 2013, p. 197.

*I never saw a contradiction between the [[ideas]] that sustain me and the ideas of that [[symbol]], of that extraordinary figure [[Jesus Christ]].
**[[Fidel Castro]], in Jared C. Wilson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mXRvi_b0FD0C&amp;pg=PA12 Your Jesus Is Too Safe: Outgrowing a Drive-Thru, Feel-Good Savio''r], Kregel Publications, 2009, p. 12.

*On the way to the [[w:Wardrobe|wardrobe]] I thought I would [[w:Dress|dress]] in [[w:Baggy pants|baggy pants]], big [[shoes]], and a [[w:Cane|cane]] and a [[w:Derby hat|derby hat]]. I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]].
**[[Charlie Chaplin]], in Keith Johnstone ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B2FO8HhgH-0C&amp;pg=PT145 Impro: Improvisation and the Theatre]'', A&amp;amp;C Black, 29-Jun-2007, p. 145.

*[[Courage]] is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong [[desire]] to live taking the form of readiness to die.
**[[G. K. Chesterton]], in John Eldredge ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0p_3DcMR5okC&amp;pg=PA171 Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul]'', Thomas Nelson Inc, 17-Mar-2011, p. 171.

*Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention.
**[[Deepak Chopra]], in Mary-Anne Frank ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NaSPAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA79 The Cinderella Evolution]'', BalboaPress, 10 October 2013, p. 79.

*The reserve of modern [[Wiktionary:assertion|assertions]] is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the [[fear]] of being contradicted leads the [[writer]] to strip himself of almost all [[sense]] and meaning.
**[[Winston Churchill]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=DZIqAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT78 A History of the English-Speaking Peoples Vol. 1: The Birth of Britain]'', RosettaBooks, 29-Apr-2013, p. 78.

*So you're trying to make her [[happy]] despite the fact that the reason she'd unhappy in the first place is you,&quot; said Simon not very kindly. &quot;That seems contradictory, doesn't it?&quot; &quot;Love is a contradiction,&quot; said Jace, and turned back to the window.
**[[Cassandra Clare]], ''[http://readmortalinstrumentstoday.blogspot.in/2013/01/city-of-fallen angels City of Fallen Angels]'', Read The Mortal Instruments.

*[[Jesus]] lived a [[life]] that was full of [[joy]] and contradictions and [[fights]], you know? If they were to [[paint]] a [[picture]] of Jesus without contradictions, the [[gospel]]s would be [[w:Fake|fake]], but the contradictions are a sign of [[w:Authenticity|authenticity]].
**[[Paulo Coelho]], in Stuart Jeffries ''[http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/mar/17/paulo-coelho-manuscript-found-in-accra Paulo Coelho on Jesus, Twitter and the difference between defeat and failure],'' The Guardian, 17 March 2013.

== D ==
== E ==

*Let me never fall into the [[w:Vulgar|vulgar]] [[mistake]] of dreaming that I am [[persecuted]] whenever I am contradicted.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ijoOVniDTz8C&amp;pg=PA206 Emerson in His Journals]'', Harvard University Press, 1 January 1984, p. 206.

*Else if you would be a man [[speak]] what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon balls, and to-morrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=1HsqAAAAMAAJ Essays and poems of Emerson]'', Harcourt, Brace, 1921, p. 157.

* I am very conscious of the fact that our feelings and strivings are often contradictory and obscure and that they cannot be expressed in easy and simple formulas.
**[[Albert Einstein]], ''{{w|Why Socialism?}}'' (1949), ''{{w|Monthly Review}}'' [http://www.monthlyreview.org/598einst.htm] New York (May 1949)

*[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*... one of the basic principles of higher [[mathematics]] is the contradiction that in certain circumstances straight lines and curves may be the same.... But even lower mathematics teems with contradictions.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*If simple mechanical change of place contains a contradiction, this is even more true of the higher forms of motion of [[w:matter|matter]], and especially of organic [[life]] and its development... life consists precisely and primarily in this--that a being is at each moment itself and yet something else. Life is therefore also a contradiction which is present in things and processes themselves, and which constantly originates and resolves itself; and as soon as the contradiction ceases, life, too, comes to an end, and [[death]] steps in. We likewise saw that also in the sphere of [[thought]] we could not escape contradictions, and that for example the contradiction between man's inherently unlimited capacity for [[knowledge]] and its actual presence only in men who are externally limited and possess limited [[cognition]] finds its solution in what is--at least practically, for us--an endless succession of generations, in [[infinite]] [[progress]].
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

== F ==

*I have only found the key to the [[cipher]] of the [[Christianity|Christian religion]], only extricated its [[tru]]e meaning from the web of contradictions and [[w:Delusions|delusions]] called [[theology]].
**[[Ludwig Feuerbach]], in Irving Hexham, er al., [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=XKK_mjQO5r0C&amp;pg=PA101 Encountering New Religious Movements: A Holistic Evangelical Approach (Google eBook)], Kregel Academic, p. 101.

*A strange contradiction  the [[Mahatma Gandhi|Mahatma]] was...there was a kind of [[w:Androgynous|androgynous]], [[w:Charismatic|charismatic]] [[w:Vitality|vitality]] that lurked within him , a dangerously [[w:Effeminacy|effeminate]] [[quality]] that could provoke high [[anxiety]].
**Frederick  B. Fischer, in “That Strange Little Brown Man quoted” in Sean Scalmer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oDcXJxRR4TUC&amp;pg=PA22   Gandhi in the West: The Mahatma and the Rise of Radical Protest]'', Cambridge University Press, 6 January 2011, p. 22.

*The [[people]] heard it, and approved the [[doctrine]], and immediately practiced the contrary.
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], in Jan Logemann ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Fd_FAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA268 The Development of Consumer Credit in Global Perspective: Business, Regulation, and Culture]'', Palgrave Macmillan, 17 July 2012,  p. 268.

*[[Reason]] is man's [[w:Intelligence|faculty]] for grasping the [[world]] by [[thought]], in contradiction to [[intelligence]], which is man's [[ability]] to [[w:Manipulate|manipulate]] the world with the help of thought. Reason is man's instrument for arriving at the [[truth]], intelligence is man's instrument for manipulating the world more successfully; the former is essentially human, the latter belongs to the animal part of man.
**[[Erich Fromm]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=HqXo0OpTd3cC&amp;pg=PT74&amp;lpg=PT74 The Sane Society''], Open Road Media, 26-Mar-2013, p. 74.

== G ==
*I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]].
**[[Gandhi]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=F3oUAQAAMAAJ Talking Leaves: A Journal of Spiritual Ecology/activism, Volumes 10-12], Deep Ecology Education Project, 2000, p. 20
** Gandhi addressed them thus when he had organized a very large march, and thousands of people came. After a while he noticed that it had the potential to become violent, so he gathered the people together and told them that he was calling the march off. There was anger. Many people had sacrificed a great deal to be there.

*[[Paradox]]es specific to the [[work]] are, in a sense, the counterpart of the contradictions of the perceivable [[world]].
**Robin Wildstein Garvin, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B-kYfRGIoPkC&amp;pg=PA9 Romantic Irony in the String Quartets of Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy and Robert Schumann]'', ProQuest, 2008, p. 9.

*That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us [[w:Productive|productive]].
**[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], in E. A. Bucchianeri ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=gEg3XuQZ7KwC&amp;pg=PA654 Faust: My Soul be Damned for the World, Volume 2''], AuthorHouse, 2008, p. 654.

*The [[market]] came with the dawn of [[civilization]] and it is not an [[invention]] of [[capitalism]]. If it leads to improving the well-being of the people there is no contradiction with [[socialism]].
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], in Eamonn Butler ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wTTzt10GE00C&amp;pg=PT105 The Best Book on the Market: How to stop worrying and love the free economy]'', John Wiley &amp; Sons, 21-Jul-2009, p. 105.

*Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]].
**[[Greg Graffin]], in  Emily Zemler ''[http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/bad-religion-cut-an-unlikely-christmas-ep-20131128 Bad Religion Cut an Unlikely Christmas EP]'', Rolling Stone, November 28, 2013.

== H ==

*I try to get closer to [[reality]], to get close to the contradictions. The [[cinema]] [[world]] can be a real world rather than a [[dream]] world.
**[[w:Michael Haneke|Michael Haneke]], ''[http://metro.co.uk/2012/11/15/michael-haneke-i-try-to-get-closer-to-reality-close-to-the-contradictions-494780/ Michael Haneke: I try to get closer to reality, close to the contradiction]'', Metro, 15 November 2012.

*The prime requisite of a set of [[w:Postulates|postulates]] is that it be consistent. Since the ordinary [[notion]] of [[consistency]] involves that of contradiction, which again involves [[w:Negation|negation]], and since this [[w:Function|function]] does not appear in general as a primitive in [the generalized set of postulates] a new [[definition]] must be given.
**[[w:Jean Van Heijenoort|Jean Van Heijenoort]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v4tBTBlU05sC&amp;pg=PA276 From Frege to Gödel: A Source Book in Mathematical Logic, 1879-1931]'', Harvard University Press, 1977, p. 276.

*[[Nations]] without a past are contradictions in terms. What makes a nation is the past, what justifies one nation against others is the past, and historians are the people who produce it.
**[[w:Eric J. Hobsbawm|Eric J. Hobsbawm]], in Gopal Balakrishnan, Benedict Anderson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=39IHUaOV9fUC&amp;pg=PA255 Mapping the Nation (Mappings Series)]'', Verso Books, 13 November 2012 , p. 255.

*It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between [[w:Profession|profession]] and [[practice]] - that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their [[faith]] on others.
**[[Eric Hoffer]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OdJihMArdlAC The True Believer]'', 1980, p. 115.

*When we examine the [[opinion]]s of men, we find that nothing is more uncommon than [[common sense]]; or, in other words, they lack [[judgment]] to discover plain [[truth]]s or to reject [[absurdities]] and palpable contradictions.
**[[Baron d'Holbach|Paul-Henry Baron d'Holbach]], in Dale McGowan ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wWWU32YNq4UC&amp;pg=PA64 Voices of Unbelief: Documents from Atheists and Agnostics]'', ABC-CLIO, 2012, p. 64.

*Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't.
**[[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5HpQAAAAMAAJ Illustration, America: twenty-five outstanding portfolios]'', Rockport Publishers/Allworth Press, 1996, p. 139.

*In [[w:Afghanistan|Afghan]] [[society]], [[parents]] play a central role in the lives of their [[children]]; the parent-child [[w:Relationship|relationship]] is fundamental to who you are and what you become and how you perceive yourself, and it is laden with contradictions, with [[w:Tension|tension]], with [[anger]], with [[love]], with [[w:Loathing|loathing]], with [[w:Angst|angst]].
**[[w:Khaled Hossein|Khaled Hossein]], ''[http://www.csmonitor.com/layout/set/basic/Books/2008/1124/barnes-noble-interview-with-khaled-hosseini/%28page%29/5 Barnes &amp; Noble interview with Khaled Hosseini]'', Barnes &amp; Noble.

== I ==
== J ==
== K ==

*Do you think when two representatives holding diametrically opposing views get together and shake hands, the contradictions between our systems will simply melt away? What kind of a [[w:Daydream|daydream]] is that?
**[[Nikita Khrushchev]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=V9EVAQAAMAAJ Khrushchev Remembers; the Last Testament, Volume 2]'', Little, Brown, 1974, p. 415.

* '''All [[skepticism]] is a kind of [[idealism]].''' Hence when the skeptic [[Zeno of Elea|Zeno]] pursued the study of skepticism by endeavoring existentially to keep himself unaffected by whatever happened, so that when once he had gone out of his way to avoid a mad dog, he shamefacedly admitted that even a skeptical philosopher is also sometimes a man, '''I find nothing [[ridiculous]] in this. There is no contradiction, and the comical always lies in a contradiction.''' &lt;!-- On the other hand, when one thinks of all the miserable idealistic lecture-witticisms, the jesting and coquetry in connection with playing the idealist while in the professorial chair, so that the lecturer is not really an idealist, but only plays the fashionable game of being an idealist; when one remembers the lecture-phrase about doubting everything, while occupying the lecture platform, aye, then it is impossible not to write a [[satire]] merely by recounting the [[facts]]. Through an existential attempt to be an idealist, one would learn in the course of half a year something very different from this game of hide-and-seek on the lecture platform. '''There is no special difficulty connected with being an idealist in the imagination; but to exist as an idealist is an extremely strenuous task, because existence itself constitutes a hindrance and an objection.''' To express existentially what one has understood about oneself, and in this manner to understand oneself, is in no way comical. But to understand everything except one’s own self is very comical. --&gt;
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'' (1846), p. 315, as translated by David F. Swenson and Walter Lowrie (1941).

*Really, [[life]] is full of contradictions. Life is messy.
**John N. Kotre, Elizabeth Hall, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=b7hiKxl9jZ4C&amp;pg=PA375 Seasons of Life: The Dramatic Journey from Birth to Death]'', University of Michigan Press, 1990, p. 375.

== L ==

*[[Dialectics]] in the proper [[sense]] is the study of contradiction in the very [[essence]] of objects.
**[[Lenin]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*Only by learning to live in [[harmony]] with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.
**[[Audre Lorde]], in  Kimberly Wallace-Sanders ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=PQG67 Skin Deep, Spirit Strong: The Black Female Body in American Culture]'', University of Michigan Press, 2002, p. 67.

== M ==

*The very contradictions in my [[life]] are in some ways signs of [[God]]'s [[mercy]] to me.
**[[Thomas Merton]], in Loren E. Pedersen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=23pySdU-s18C&amp;pg=PA49 Dark Hearts: The Unconscious Forces That Shape Men's Lives]'', iUniverse, 2002, p. 49.

*[[w:Good taste|Good taste]] and [[humor]] are a contradiction in terms, like a [[w:Chaste|chaste]] [[whore]].
**[[Malcolm Muggeridge]], in John G. Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=RFqlPtTSB2kC&amp;pg=PA200 Robertson's Words for a Modern Age: A Cross Reference of Latin and Greek]'', Senior Scribe Publications, 01-Jan-1991, p. 200.

*[[Capitalism]] is not so much an [[w:Aberration|aberration]] as a step on an [[evolution]]ary path, and one that contains within it some of the answers to its own contradictions.
**[[w:Geoff Mulgan|Geoff Mulgan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=A4gXkeGQkj4C&amp;pg=PA209 The Locust and the Bee: Predators and Creators in Capitalism's Future (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 27 February 2013, p. 209.

== N ==

*[[Mahatma Gandhi|Mohandas K.Gandhi]] often changed his [[mind]] publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
**Chesapeake (Random House) Editorial in Detroit News,  in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Eho0AAAAIAAJ The Reader's Digest, Volume 118, Issue 1]'', The Reader's Digest Association, 1981, p. 1.

*...it is trite that contradictions per se do not lead to the rejection of a [[witness]]’s [[evidence]] and what the trier of fact has to take into consideration, are matters such as the nature of the contradictions; their number and importance, and their bearing on other parts of the witness’s evidence. These differences could either be [[immaterial]] to the charges the accused is facing or bona fide [[mistakes]] made by a witness.
**Nicholas, J, in ''[http://www.superiorcourts.org.na/high/docs/judgments/criminal/the%20state%20versus%20amakali%20leevi%20s%20174%20application.pdf Case No. 38/2008 In the matter between:The State And Amakali Leevi]'', Superiorcourts.org , p. 5.

*One is fruitful only at the cost of being [[rich]] in contradictions.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Wolfgang Müller-Lauter ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=BYKgPUIwx2gC&amp;pg=PA7 Nietzsche: His Philosophy of Contradictions and the Contradictions of His Philosophy]'', University of Illinois Press, 01-Jan-1999, p. 7.

*After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;?
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Onora O'Neill ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oOdovrGKYWoC&amp;pg=PA159 The Sources of Normativity]'', Cambridge University Press, 28-Jun-1996, p. 159.

*We must be [[physicists]] in order to be [[creative]] since so far codes of values and [[ideals]] have been constructed in [[ignorance]] of [[physics]] or even in contradiction to physics.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Carl C. Gaither, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IOFmZoesMNoC&amp;pg=PA1114 Gaither's Dictionary of Scientific Quotations]'', Springer, 08-Jan-2008,

*[[Theories]] which are [[logic]]ally self-contradictory may be significant and [[fruitful]] just in so far as their self-contradictory.
**[[w:Richard Norman|Richard Norman]], in Joe McCarney ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=d6fqWbG_FSMC&amp;pg=PA56  Social Theory and the Crisis of Marxism]'', Verso, 1990, p. 56.

*I'm fascinated by the ways in which people express themselves, because their responses are often counter to what they're actually feeling. Like when they're frightened, they tend to [[w:Freeze|freeze]]. When they're [[angry]], it doesn't always come out as volume. There are wonderful contradictions in the way that people express their [[emotions]].
**[[Edward Norton]], in Scott Tobias ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/edward-norton-14047 Interview Edward Norton]'', A.V. Club, 3 January 2007.

== O ==

*I was listening to a lot of hip hop, [[music]] like Public [[Enemy]] that was about raising [[consciousness]], and I realised I could feed that directly into my [[work]], using [[images]] in a way that was a bit like sampling - taking images from diverse places, exploring the contradictions without trying to hide the seams.
**[[w:Chris Ofili|Chris Ofili]], in Mark Hudson ''[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/7073175/Chris-Ofili-I-wander-deep-into-the-forest-where-its-scary.html Chris Ofili: 'I wander deep into the forest - where it's scary']'', The Telegraph, 25 January 2010.

== P ==

*Is it not a species of [[blasphemy]] to call the [[New Testament]] revealed [[religion]], when we see in it such contradictions and [[w:Absurdities|absurdities]].
**[[Thomas Paine]], in Todd Andrew Rohrer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0s9VKFWiqIAC&amp;pg=PA208 This Time They Perceive, Volume 15 (Google eBook)]'', iUniverse, 11 June 2010, p. 208.

*Contradiction is not a sign of [[w:Falsity|falsity]], nor the lack of contradiction a sign of [[truth]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in George Englebretsen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=aOg_g8JSfKUC&amp;pg=PA153 Bare Facts and Naked Truths: A New Correspondence Theory of Truth]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 2006, p. 153.

*What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in Fred B. Craddock, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Dw3ONttJgPUC&amp;pg=PA51 Preaching Through the Christian Year: Year C: A Comprehensive Commentary on the Lectionary (Google eBook)]'', Bloomsbury Publishing USA, 01-Nov-1994, p. 51.

*. . . I in my astonishment said: What do you mean [[w:Dionysodorus|Dionysodorus]]? I have often heard, and have been amazed to hear, this [[thesis]] of yours, which is maintained and employed by the disciples of [[w:Protagoras|Protagoras]] and others before them, and which to me appears to be quite [[wonderful]], and [[w:Suicidal|suicidal]] as well as [[w:Destructive|destructive]], and I think that I am most likely to hear the [[truth]] about it from you. The [[dictum]] is that there is no such thing as a [[falsehood]]; a man must either say what is [[true]] or say nothing. Is not that your position?
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mFcMAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA211 The Dialogues of Plato: Charmides. Lysis. Laches. Protagoras. Euthydemus. Cratylus. Phaedrus. Ion. Symposium (Google eBook)]'', Macmillan, 1875, p. 211.

*But when I describe something and you describe another thing, or I say something and you say nothing  - Is there any contradiction? How can he who speaks contradict him who [[speak]]s not.
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=l-1Cb0gomSwC&amp;pg=PA49 Euthydemus]'', Arc Manor LLC, 1 February 2009, p. 49.

*He who comes from afar may lie without [[fear]] of contradiction as he is sure to be listened to with the utmost [[w:Attention|attention]].
**[[French proverbs]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=kJXb8UHBI8sC&amp;pg=PA13 Quotes about Speakers and Speaking]'', Quotations Book, p. 13.

== Q ==
== R ==

*Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your [[w:Premises|premises]]. You will find that one of them is [[wrong]].
**[[Ayn Rand]], in Edward Wayne Younkins ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5_NDTA9x-qMC&amp;pg=PA128 Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged: A Philosophical and Literary Companion]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 1 January 2007, p. 128.

*Part of me is drawn to the [[nature]] of [[sad]]ness because I think [[life]] is sad, and sadness is not something that should be avoided or denied. It's a fact of [[life]], like contradictions are.
**[[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]], in Suzie Mackenzie ''[http://www.theguardian.com/film/2004/aug/14/features.weekend American dreamer]'', The Guardian, 14 August 2004.

*Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]].
**[[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://zenofzero.net/docs/IeEvaluatingProofsofGod.pdf. Ie – Evaluating “Proofs” of God’s Existence]'', Zenofzero.net, 30 October 2012.

== S ==
*Those [[laws]], being forged for universal application, are in perpetual conflict with personal interest, just as personal interest is always in contradiction with the general interest. Good for [[society]], our laws are very bad for the [[individuals]] whereof it is composed; for, if they one time protect the individual, they hinder, [[trouble]], [[w:Fetter|fetter]] him for three quarters of his [[life]].
**[[Marquis De Sade]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=7T2WYXK6YFgC&amp;pg=PT422 Justine, Philosophy in the Bedroom]'', Grove Press, 01-Dec-2007, p. 422.

*The major [[religions]] on the [[Earth]] contradict each other left and right. You can't all be correct. And what if all of you are wrong? It's a possibility, you know. You must care about the [[truth]], right? Well, the way to [[w:Winnow|winnow]] through all the differing contentions is to be [[w:Skeptical|skeptical]]. I'm not any more skeptical about your religious beliefs than I am about every new scientific idea I hear about. But in my line of work, they're called [[w:Hypotheses|hypotheses]], not [[inspiration]] and not [[revelation]].
**[[Carl Sagan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Q6o51-W_z8MC&amp;pg=PA162  Contact''], Simon and Schuster, 1997, p. 162.

*When you [[w:Encounter|encounter]] [[w:Difficulties|difficulties]] and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.
**[[w:Saint Francis de Sales|Saint Francis de Sales]], in Gabriella D. Filippi ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=X1fQJ97lAC8C&amp;pg=PA30 Celebrate Your Seasons: Inspirational Devotions to Progress in Love and Grace (Google eBook)]'', University Press of America, 10-Jul-2012, p. 30.

*In [[art]], and maybe just in general, the [[idea]] is to be able to be really comfortable with contradictory ideas. In other words, [[wisdom]] might be, seem to be, two contradictory ideas both expressed at their highest level and just let to sit in the same cage sort of, vibrating. So, I think as a writer, I'm really never sure of what I really believe.
**[[w:George Saunders|George Saunders]], ''[http://www.aninspirationbook.com/2013_03_01_archive.html 3 George Saunders Quotations About Confusion and Contradiction]'', An Inspiration Book, 26 March 2013.

*How can what an [[w:Englishman|Englishman]] believes be [[w:Hearsay|hearsay]]? It is a contradiction in terms.
**[[George Bernard Shaw]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6vcQbxPNsrAC&amp;pg=PA41 Quotes by Shaw George Bernard]'', Quotations Book.

*[[Life]] is never free of contradictions.
**[[Manmohan Singh]], in Beryl A. Radin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8VsgoeytYf0C&amp;pg=PT131 Federal Management Reform in a World of Contradictions]'', Georgetown University Press, 1 March 2012, p. 131.

== T ==

*In [[love]] all the contradiction of [[w:Existence|existence]] merge themselves and are lost. Only in love are [[unity]] and [[w:Duality|duality]] not at variance. Love must be one and two at the same time.
**[[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=lkj0ok-BEJsC&amp;printsec=frontcover Sadhana the Realization of Life]'', Filiquarian Publishing, LLC., 01-Jan-2006, p. 90.

* The person you are the most afraid to contradict is yourself.
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Preludes, p.3.

* ... I have something of a [[guess]]: [[Niels Bohr|Bohr]] liked [[paradox]]es. I wanted to eliminate contradictions. He liked those contradictions. And — what I said so far is true — but what I am now going to say is probably true. And — Bohr liked contradictions with good reason ... The simple, straightforward way how we see the world ... it is not a [[w:Wave function|wavefunction]]. It is something that I can describe and understand. If I don't start from such ideas then I can't possibly know what I'm talking about. ... You must start from practical theory with all the contradictions that a detailed [[observation]] then leads to. Then as a next step you resolve these contradictions.
**[[Edward Teller]]: {{cite web|title=Edward Teller - Drinking tea with Niels Bohr (32/147)|date=27 September 2017|website=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP22qvdF8YY}}

*[[Marx]] believed, the contradictions of [[capitalism]] would lead to [[communism]], a classless [[society]] that operates on the principle of “from each according to his [[ability]], to each according to his need.
**Alex Thio, Jim Taylor, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hlGnj-Ce6M4C&amp;pg=PA299 Social Problems]'', Jones &amp; Bartlett Publishers, 11-Feb-2011m p,299.

*I don't think anyone now really understands the planetisation of [[mankind]], really understands the new [[world]] order emerging through all this period of [[strain]] and [[pain]] and contradiction, so more than ever, we need to have an internal [[sense]] of [[navigation]].
**[[William Irwin Thompson]], in Katherine Hunt ''[http://issuu.com/katherinehunt/docs/final_book_change Change]'', Digital Publishing Platform for Magazines, Catalogs (ISSUU), p. 19.

*[[Philosophy]] offers the rather cold [[consolation]] that perhaps we and our [[planet]] do not actually exist; [[religion]] presents the contradictory and scarcely more comforting [[thought]] that we exist but that we cannot hope to get anywhere until we cease to exist. [[Alcohol]], in attempting to resolve the contradiction, produces [[vivid]] [[w:Patterns|patterns]] of [[Truth]] which [[w:Vanish|vanish]] like [[snow]] in the morning [[sun]] and cannot be recalled; the [[revelations]] of [[poetry]] are as wonderful as a [[comet]] in the skies , and as [[mysterious]]. [[Love]], which was once believed to contain the Answer, we now know to be nothing more than an inherited behavior [[w:Pattern|pattern]].
**[[James Thurber]], in Henry Goddard Leach ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=who-AAAAMAAJ Forum and Century, Volume 101]'', The Forum Publishing Co., 1939, p. 309

*[[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] or [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction has a twofold meaning. One is that contradiction exists in the process of [[development]] of all things, and the other is that in the process of development of each thing a movement of opposites exists from beginning to end.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], ''[http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/mao/selected-works/volume-1/mswv1_17.htm Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction]'', August 1937.

*Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The [[sciences]] are differentiated precisely on the basis of the particular contradictions inherent in their respective objects of study. Thus the contradiction peculiar to a certain field of phenomena constitutes the object of study for a specific branch of [[science]]. For example, positive and negative numbers in [[mathematics]]; action and reaction in [[mechanics]]; positive and negative[[electricity]] in [[physics]]; [[w:Dissociation (chemistry)|dissociation]] and combination in [[chemistry]]; forces of [[production]] and [[relations]] of production, classes and [[w:Class struggle|class struggle]], in [[social science]]; offence and defence in [[w:Military science|military science]]; [[idealism]] and [[materialism]], the [[metaphysical]] outlook and the [[w:Dialectical|dialectical]] outlook, in [[philosophy]]; and so on--all these are the objects of study of different branches of science precisely because each branch has its own particular contradiction and particular [[essence]].
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The cardinal responsibility of [[leadership]] is to [[identify]] the dominant contradiction at each point of the historical process and to work out a central line to resolve it.
**[[Mao Tse-Tung]], in Audrey Kurth Cronin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=E-bTT2DXZ0EC&amp;pg=PA14 How Terrorism Ends: Understanding the Decline and Demise of Terrorist Campaigns (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 24-Aug-2009, p. 14.

== U ==

*If a man never contradicts himself, the [[w:Reason|reason]] must be that he virtually never says anything at all.
**[[Miguel de Unamuno]], in Elliot Lovegood Grant Watson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=uz0KovScWK8C&amp;pg=PA167 The Mystery of Physical Life]'', SteinerBooks, 1992, p. 167.

== V ==
== W ==
*As the new [[spirituality]] begins to become the pervasive spirituality of the [[w:Planet|planet]], we'll find that we have abandoned our [[philosophy]] of contradictions in which we say we're all one but continue to try to win.
**[[w:Neale Donald Walsch|Neale Donald Walsch]], in Janice Hughes and Dennis Hughes ''[http://www.shareguide.com/Walsch.html Interview with Neale Donald Walsch Educator, Lecturer and Bestselling author of Conversations with God]'', Share Guide Publishers.

*My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe.
**[[Alfred North Whitehead]], in Max Harold Fisch ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=tlUFYCrOxdkC&amp;pg=PA19 Classic American Philosophers: Peirce, James, Royce, Santayana, Dewey, Whitehead : Selections from Their Writings]'', Fordham Univ Press, 1996, p. 19.

*Do I [[w:Contradict|contradict]] myself?&lt;br&gt;Very well then I contradict myself,&lt;br&gt;(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
**[[Walt Whitman]], &quot;Song of Myself&quot; verse 51 lines 6-8 ''[http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174745]''

*The [[w:Well-bred|well-bred]] contradict other people. The [[wise]] contradict themselves.
**[[Oscar Wilde]], in Bruce Bashford ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NQRrYgZhwa4C&amp;pg=PA68 Oscar Wilde: The Critic as Humanist]'', Fairleigh Dickinson Univ Press, 1999, p. 68.

*The essence of [[humanity]]'s [[spiritual]] [[w:Dilemma|dilemma]] is that we evolved genetically to accept one [[truth]] and discovered another. Is there a way to erase the dilemma, to resolve the contradictions between the [[w:Transcendentalist|transcendentalist]] and the [[w:Empiricist|empiricist]] [[world]] views?
**[[E. O. Wilson]], in Derek Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IGMIWiM_aacC&amp;pg=PA177 The Moral Compass: A Personal Search for Meaning]'', Lulu.com, 2006, p. 177.

*[[w:Propositions|Propositions]] show what they say: [[w:Tautology (logic)|tautologies]] and contradictions show that they say nothing.
**[[Ludwig Wittgenstein]], in Joachim Schulte ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8yiDXnF7Ov4C&amp;pg=PA59 Wittgenstein: An Introduction]'', SUNY Press, 1 January 1992, p. 59.

== X ==
== Y ==
== Z ==
== Anonymous ==

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|contradiction}}

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      <text bytes="45381" sha1="9d8505qemvtffaojxg8p433n69011ow" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Friedrich Hegel mit Studenten Lithographie F Kugler.jpg|thumb|right|My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe. ~ [[Alfred North Whitehead]]]]
[[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Let us, cautious in [[words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And mighty in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; [[Love]] [[powerfully]]. ~ [[Martin Buber]]]]
[[File:Square of opposition, set diagrams.svg|thumb|Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]]. ~ [[Thomas Aquinas]]]]
[[File:The Tramp Essanay.jpg|thumb|right| I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]]. ~ [[Charlie Chaplin]]]]
[[File:Risen Christ appears to his Mother by Daniele Monteleone.jpg|thumb|right|Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention. ~ [[Deepak Chopra]]]]
[[File:Goethe.png|thumb|That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us productive. ~ [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]] ]]
[[File:Dresden Engels Mauer.jpg|thumb|[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction. ~ [[Engels]]]]
[[File:Gandhi at Darwen with women.jpg|thumb|I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]]. ~ [[Gandhi]]]]
[[File:Gentile da Fabriano 052.jpg|thumb|Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]]. ~ [[Greg Graffin]]]]
[[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't. ~ [[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]]]]
[[File:Nietzsche1882.jpg|thumb|After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;? ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg|right|thumb|What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]]. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]]]]
[[File:Luca Giordano - Dream of Solomon - WGA09004.jpg|thumb|right|Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]]. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]]
[[File:Mao Zedong in front of crowd.jpg|right|thumb|Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction. ~ [[Mao Tse-tung]]]]
'''[[w:Contradiction| Contradiction]]''' consists of a [[Wiktionary:logica| logical l]] incompatibility between two or more [[w:Propositions|propositions]]. It occurs when the propositions, taken together, yield two [[w:Cconclusions|conclusions]] which form the logical, usually opposite inversions of each other. By extension, outside of [[w: Classical logic|classical logic]], one can speak of contradictions between actions when one presumes that their [[Motivation|motives]] contradict each other.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Anonymous|Anon]]}}

== A ==

*He hoped and [[pray]]ed that there wasn't an [[w:Afterlife|afterlife]]. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
**[[Douglas Adams]], in Andy Wrasman ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dYkNAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA64 Contradict: They Can't All Be True''], WestBowPress, 13-Jan-2014, p. 84.

* The conflicts that tear society apart resemble the distinction between the concept and the particular facts subordinated to it. ... Whatever refuses to abide by the unity imposed by the principle of dominion manifests itself not as something indifferent to that principle, but as an infringement of logic: as a contradiction.
** [[Theodor Adorno]], ''Lectures on Negative Dialectics'' (1965-66), as translated by Rodney Livingstone (Polity Press: 2008), p. 169

*Nothing which implies contradiction falls under the [[w:Omnipotence|omnipotence]] of [[God]].
**[[Thomas Aquinas]], in Jim Kanaris ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vUMjAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA58 Polyphonic Thinking and the Divine]'', Rodopi, 2013, p. 58.

*It  is... [[w:Axiomatic|axiomatic]] that we should all think of ourselves as being more [[sensitive]] than other people because, when we are insensitive in our dealings with others, we cannot be aware of it at the time: [[conscious]] insensitivity is a self-contradiction.
**[[W. H. Auden]], in Robert J. Wicks ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=vEdG5zF7yygC Availability: the problem and the gift]'', Paulist Press, 1986, p. 46.

== B ==
*I believe that [[truth]] has only one face: that of a violent contradiction.
**[[Georges Bataille]], in Carol A. Dingle ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=24cJEQDdX7QC&amp;pg=PA17 Memorable Quotations: French Writers of the Past],'' iUniverse, 2000, p. 17.

*...[[w:Erich Fromm|Erich Fromm]] wondered why most people did not become [[insane]] in the face of the existential contradiction between a symbolic self, that seems to give man [[infinite]] worth in a timeless scheme of things, and a [[body]] that is worth about 98¢.
**[[Ernest Becker]], ''[http://www.christianism.com/html/notes/14note63.html. Fear Of Death]'', Christianism.

*Do what you will, this [[world]]'s a [[fiction]] and is made up of contradiction,
**[[William Blake]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6oppgeys5WUC&amp;pg=PA158 The Perennial Satirist: Essays in Honour of Bernfried Nugel, Presented on the Occasion of His 65th Birthday, 13 September 2005]'', LIT Verlag Münster, 01-Jan-2005 p. 158.

*Everything must be recaptured and relocated in the general framework of [[history]], so that despite the difficulties, the fundamental [[paradoxes]] and contradictions, we may respect the unity of history which is also the unity of [[life]].
**[[Fernand Braudel]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Aus0BEQZFXIC&amp;pg=PA16 On History]'', University of Chicago Press, 15 February1982, p. 16.

*Everything tends to make us believe that there exists a certain point of the [[mind]] at which [[life]] and [[death]], the real and the imagined, past and future, the communicable and the incommunicable, high and low, cease to be perceived as contradictions.
**[[Andre Breton]], in Georges Bataille ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=2Yj6s1sjelgC&amp;pg=PA41 Visions of Excess: Selected Writings, 1927-1939]'', U of Minnesota Press, 1985, p. 41.

*&lt;p&gt;'''Every [[morning]] &lt;br&gt; I shall concern myself anew about the boundary &lt;br&gt; Between the [[love]]-[[deed]]-Yes and the [[power]]-deed-No &lt;br&gt; And pressing forward [[honor]] [[reality]].'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;'''We cannot avoid &lt;br&gt; Using power, &lt;br&gt; Cannot escape the compulsion &lt;br&gt; To afflict the [[world]], &lt;br&gt; So let us, cautious in [[Words|diction]] &lt;br&gt; And [[mighty]] in contradiction, &lt;br&gt; Love powerfully.'''&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Martin Buber]], in &quot;Power and Love&quot; (1926).

== C ==

*A quarter of [[America]] is a [[w:Dramatic|dramatic]], [[w:Tense|tense]], [[violent]] [[country]], [[w:Exploding|exploding]] with contradictions, full of [[w:Violent|brutal]], [[w:Physiological|physiological]] [[vitality]], and that is the America that I have really loved and [[love]]. But a good half of it is a country of [[boredom]], [[w:Emptiness|emptiness]], [[w:Monotony|monotony]], brainless [[production]], and brainless [[w:Consumption|consumption]], and this is the American [[inferno]].
**[[Italo Calvino]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=N0612RRjfO4C&amp;pg=PA197 Italo Calvino: Letters, 1941-1985]'', Princeton University Press, 2013, p. 197.

*I never saw a contradiction between the [[ideas]] that sustain me and the ideas of that [[symbol]], of that extraordinary figure [[Jesus Christ]].
**[[Fidel Castro]], in Jared C. Wilson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mXRvi_b0FD0C&amp;pg=PA12 Your Jesus Is Too Safe: Outgrowing a Drive-Thru, Feel-Good Savio''r], Kregel Publications, 2009, p. 12.

*On the way to the [[w:Wardrobe|wardrobe]] I thought I would [[w:Dress|dress]] in [[w:Baggy pants|baggy pants]], big [[shoes]], and a [[w:Cane|cane]] and a [[w:Derby hat|derby hat]]. I wanted everything to be a contradiction; the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large. I was undecided whether to look young or old , but remembering [[w:Mack Sennett|Sennet]] had expected me to be a much older man, I added a small [[w:Mmoustache|moustache]],  which I reasoned, would add age without hiding my [[expression]].
**[[Charlie Chaplin]], in Keith Johnstone ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B2FO8HhgH-0C&amp;pg=PT145 Impro: Improvisation and the Theatre]'', A&amp;amp;C Black, 29-Jun-2007, p. 145.

*[[Courage]] is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong [[desire]] to live taking the form of readiness to die.
**[[G. K. Chesterton]], in John Eldredge ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0p_3DcMR5okC&amp;pg=PA171 Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul]'', Thomas Nelson Inc, 17-Mar-2011, p. 171.

*Enlightened [[leadership]] is [[spiritual]] if we understand spirituality not as some kind of [[religious]] [[dogma]] or [[ideology]] but as the domain of [[awareness]] where we [[experience]] values like [[truth]], [[goodness]], [[beauty]], [[love]] and [[compassion]], and also [[intuition]], [[creativity]], insight and focused attention.
**[[Deepak Chopra]], in Mary-Anne Frank ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NaSPAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA79 The Cinderella Evolution]'', BalboaPress, 10 October 2013, p. 79.

*The reserve of modern [[Wiktionary:assertion|assertions]] is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the [[fear]] of being contradicted leads the [[writer]] to strip himself of almost all [[sense]] and meaning.
**[[Winston Churchill]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=DZIqAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT78 A History of the English-Speaking Peoples Vol. 1: The Birth of Britain]'', RosettaBooks, 29-Apr-2013, p. 78.

*So you're trying to make her [[happy]] despite the fact that the reason she'd unhappy in the first place is you,&quot; said Simon not very kindly. &quot;That seems contradictory, doesn't it?&quot; &quot;Love is a contradiction,&quot; said Jace, and turned back to the window.
**[[Cassandra Clare]], ''[http://readmortalinstrumentstoday.blogspot.in/2013/01/city-of-fallen angels City of Fallen Angels]'', Read The Mortal Instruments.

*[[Jesus]] lived a [[life]] that was full of [[joy]] and contradictions and [[fights]], you know? If they were to [[paint]] a [[picture]] of Jesus without contradictions, the [[gospel]]s would be [[w:Fake|fake]], but the contradictions are a sign of [[w:Authenticity|authenticity]].
**[[Paulo Coelho]], in Stuart Jeffries ''[http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/mar/17/paulo-coelho-manuscript-found-in-accra Paulo Coelho on Jesus, Twitter and the difference between defeat and failure],'' The Guardian, 17 March 2013.

== D ==
== E ==

*Let me never fall into the [[w:Vulgar|vulgar]] [[mistake]] of dreaming that I am [[persecuted]] whenever I am contradicted.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ijoOVniDTz8C&amp;pg=PA206 Emerson in His Journals]'', Harvard University Press, 1 January 1984, p. 206.

*Else if you would be a man [[speak]] what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon balls, and to-morrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.
**[[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=1HsqAAAAMAAJ Essays and poems of Emerson]'', Harcourt, Brace, 1921, p. 157.

* I am very conscious of the fact that our feelings and strivings are often contradictory and obscure and that they cannot be expressed in easy and simple formulas.
**[[Albert Einstein]], ''{{w|Why Socialism?}}'' (1949), ''{{w|Monthly Review}}'' [http://www.monthlyreview.org/598einst.htm] New York (May 1949)

*[[w:Motion|Motion]] itself is a contradiction.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*... one of the basic principles of higher [[mathematics]] is the contradiction that in certain circumstances straight lines and curves may be the same.... But even lower mathematics teems with contradictions.
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*If simple mechanical change of place contains a contradiction, this is even more true of the higher forms of motion of [[w:matter|matter]], and especially of organic [[life]] and its development... life consists precisely and primarily in this--that a being is at each moment itself and yet something else. Life is therefore also a contradiction which is present in things and processes themselves, and which constantly originates and resolves itself; and as soon as the contradiction ceases, life, too, comes to an end, and [[death]] steps in. We likewise saw that also in the sphere of [[thought]] we could not escape contradictions, and that for example the contradiction between man's inherently unlimited capacity for [[knowledge]] and its actual presence only in men who are externally limited and possess limited [[cognition]] finds its solution in what is--at least practically, for us--an endless succession of generations, in [[infinite]] [[progress]].
**[[Engels]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

== F ==

*I have only found the key to the [[cipher]] of the [[Christianity|Christian religion]], only extricated its [[tru]]e meaning from the web of contradictions and [[w:Delusions|delusions]] called [[theology]].
**[[Ludwig Feuerbach]], in Irving Hexham, er al., [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=XKK_mjQO5r0C&amp;pg=PA101 Encountering New Religious Movements: A Holistic Evangelical Approach (Google eBook)], Kregel Academic, p. 101.

*A strange contradiction  the [[Mahatma Gandhi|Mahatma]] was...there was a kind of [[w:Androgynous|androgynous]], [[w:Charismatic|charismatic]] [[w:Vitality|vitality]] that lurked within him , a dangerously [[w:Effeminacy|effeminate]] [[quality]] that could provoke high [[anxiety]].
**Frederick  B. Fischer, in “That Strange Little Brown Man quoted” in Sean Scalmer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oDcXJxRR4TUC&amp;pg=PA22   Gandhi in the West: The Mahatma and the Rise of Radical Protest]'', Cambridge University Press, 6 January 2011, p. 22.

*The [[people]] heard it, and approved the [[doctrine]], and immediately practiced the contrary.
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], in Jan Logemann ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Fd_FAAAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA268 The Development of Consumer Credit in Global Perspective: Business, Regulation, and Culture]'', Palgrave Macmillan, 17 July 2012,  p. 268.

*[[Reason]] is man's [[w:Intelligence|faculty]] for grasping the [[world]] by [[thought]], in contradiction to [[intelligence]], which is man's [[ability]] to [[w:Manipulate|manipulate]] the world with the help of thought. Reason is man's instrument for arriving at the [[truth]], intelligence is man's instrument for manipulating the world more successfully; the former is essentially human, the latter belongs to the animal part of man.
**[[Erich Fromm]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=HqXo0OpTd3cC&amp;pg=PT74&amp;lpg=PT74 The Sane Society''], Open Road Media, 26-Mar-2013, p. 74.

== G ==
*I am human, and I make [[mistakes]]. Therefore my commitment must be to [[truth]] and not to [[consistency]].
**[[Gandhi]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=F3oUAQAAMAAJ Talking Leaves: A Journal of Spiritual Ecology/activism, Volumes 10-12], Deep Ecology Education Project, 2000, p. 20
** Gandhi addressed them thus when he had organized a very large march, and thousands of people came. After a while he noticed that it had the potential to become violent, so he gathered the people together and told them that he was calling the march off. There was anger. Many people had sacrificed a great deal to be there.

*[[Paradox]]es specific to the [[work]] are, in a sense, the counterpart of the contradictions of the perceivable [[world]].
**Robin Wildstein Garvin, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=B-kYfRGIoPkC&amp;pg=PA9 Romantic Irony in the String Quartets of Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy and Robert Schumann]'', ProQuest, 2008, p. 9.

*That is exactly the point, what we agree with leaves us inactive, but contradiction makes us [[w:Productive|productive]].
**[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], in E. A. Bucchianeri ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=gEg3XuQZ7KwC&amp;pg=PA654 Faust: My Soul be Damned for the World, Volume 2''], AuthorHouse, 2008, p. 654.

*The [[market]] came with the dawn of [[civilization]] and it is not an [[invention]] of [[capitalism]]. If it leads to improving the well-being of the people there is no contradiction with [[socialism]].
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], in Eamonn Butler ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wTTzt10GE00C&amp;pg=PT105 The Best Book on the Market: How to stop worrying and love the free economy]'', John Wiley &amp; Sons, 21-Jul-2009, p. 105.

*Bad [[Religion]] has never been about criticizing people who are [[Christian]]. But we've always been about pointing out the [[irony]] and contradictions in [[w:Christian theology|Christian theology]] and the more extreme versions of Christians that seek to challenge modern [[secularism]].
**[[Greg Graffin]], in  Emily Zemler ''[http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/bad-religion-cut-an-unlikely-christmas-ep-20131128 Bad Religion Cut an Unlikely Christmas EP]'', Rolling Stone, November 28, 2013.

== H ==

*I try to get closer to [[reality]], to get close to the contradictions. The [[cinema]] [[world]] can be a real world rather than a [[dream]] world.
**[[w:Michael Haneke|Michael Haneke]], ''[http://metro.co.uk/2012/11/15/michael-haneke-i-try-to-get-closer-to-reality-close-to-the-contradictions-494780/ Michael Haneke: I try to get closer to reality, close to the contradiction]'', Metro, 15 November 2012.

*The prime requisite of a set of [[w:Postulates|postulates]] is that it be consistent. Since the ordinary [[notion]] of [[consistency]] involves that of contradiction, which again involves [[w:Negation|negation]], and since this [[w:Function|function]] does not appear in general as a primitive in [the generalized set of postulates] a new [[definition]] must be given.
**[[w:Jean Van Heijenoort|Jean Van Heijenoort]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v4tBTBlU05sC&amp;pg=PA276 From Frege to Gödel: A Source Book in Mathematical Logic, 1879-1931]'', Harvard University Press, 1977, p. 276.

*[[Nations]] without a past are contradictions in terms. What makes a nation is the past, what justifies one nation against others is the past, and historians are the people who produce it.
**[[w:Eric J. Hobsbawm|Eric J. Hobsbawm]], in Gopal Balakrishnan, Benedict Anderson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=39IHUaOV9fUC&amp;pg=PA255 Mapping the Nation (Mappings Series)]'', Verso Books, 13 November 2012 , p. 255.

*It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between [[w:Profession|profession]] and [[practice]] - that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their [[faith]] on others.
**[[Eric Hoffer]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OdJihMArdlAC The True Believer]'', 1980, p. 115.

*When we examine the [[opinion]]s of men, we find that nothing is more uncommon than [[common sense]]; or, in other words, they lack [[judgment]] to discover plain [[truth]]s or to reject [[absurdities]] and palpable contradictions.
**[[Baron d'Holbach|Paul-Henry Baron d'Holbach]], in Dale McGowan ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wWWU32YNq4UC&amp;pg=PA64 Voices of Unbelief: Documents from Atheists and Agnostics]'', ABC-CLIO, 2012, p. 64.

*Many of the contradictions in Postmodern [[art]] come from the fact that we're trying to be artists in a [[w:Democratic society|democratic society]]. This is because in a [[democracy]], the [[ideal]] is compromise. In art, it isn't.
**[[w:Brad Holland|Brad Holland]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5HpQAAAAMAAJ Illustration, America: twenty-five outstanding portfolios]'', Rockport Publishers/Allworth Press, 1996, p. 139.

*In [[w:Afghanistan|Afghan]] [[society]], [[parents]] play a central role in the lives of their [[children]]; the parent-child [[w:Relationship|relationship]] is fundamental to who you are and what you become and how you perceive yourself, and it is laden with contradictions, with [[w:Tension|tension]], with [[anger]], with [[love]], with [[w:Loathing|loathing]], with [[w:Angst|angst]].
**[[w:Khaled Hossein|Khaled Hossein]], ''[http://www.csmonitor.com/layout/set/basic/Books/2008/1124/barnes-noble-interview-with-khaled-hosseini/%28page%29/5 Barnes &amp; Noble interview with Khaled Hosseini]'', Barnes &amp; Noble.

== I ==
== J ==
== K ==

*Do you think when two representatives holding diametrically opposing views get together and shake hands, the contradictions between our systems will simply melt away? What kind of a [[w:Daydream|daydream]] is that?
**[[Nikita Khrushchev]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=V9EVAQAAMAAJ Khrushchev Remembers; the Last Testament, Volume 2]'', Little, Brown, 1974, p. 415.

* '''All [[skepticism]] is a kind of [[idealism]].''' Hence when the skeptic [[Zeno of Elea|Zeno]] pursued the study of skepticism by endeavoring existentially to keep himself unaffected by whatever happened, so that when once he had gone out of his way to avoid a mad dog, he shamefacedly admitted that even a skeptical philosopher is also sometimes a man, '''I find nothing [[ridiculous]] in this. There is no contradiction, and the comical always lies in a contradiction.''' &lt;!-- On the other hand, when one thinks of all the miserable idealistic lecture-witticisms, the jesting and coquetry in connection with playing the idealist while in the professorial chair, so that the lecturer is not really an idealist, but only plays the fashionable game of being an idealist; when one remembers the lecture-phrase about doubting everything, while occupying the lecture platform, aye, then it is impossible not to write a [[satire]] merely by recounting the [[facts]]. Through an existential attempt to be an idealist, one would learn in the course of half a year something very different from this game of hide-and-seek on the lecture platform. '''There is no special difficulty connected with being an idealist in the imagination; but to exist as an idealist is an extremely strenuous task, because existence itself constitutes a hindrance and an objection.''' To express existentially what one has understood about oneself, and in this manner to understand oneself, is in no way comical. But to understand everything except one’s own self is very comical. --&gt;
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'' (1846), p. 315, as translated by David F. Swenson and Walter Lowrie (1941).

*Really, [[life]] is full of contradictions. Life is messy.
**John N. Kotre, Elizabeth Hall, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=b7hiKxl9jZ4C&amp;pg=PA375 Seasons of Life: The Dramatic Journey from Birth to Death]'', University of Michigan Press, 1990, p. 375.

== L ==

*[[Dialectics]] in the proper [[sense]] is the study of contradiction in the very [[essence]] of objects.
**[[Lenin]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*Only by learning to live in [[harmony]] with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.
**[[Audre Lorde]], in  Kimberly Wallace-Sanders ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=PQG67 Skin Deep, Spirit Strong: The Black Female Body in American Culture]'', University of Michigan Press, 2002, p. 67.

== M ==

*The very contradictions in my [[life]] are in some ways signs of [[God]]'s [[mercy]] to me.
**[[Thomas Merton]], in Loren E. Pedersen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=23pySdU-s18C&amp;pg=PA49 Dark Hearts: The Unconscious Forces That Shape Men's Lives]'', iUniverse, 2002, p. 49.

*[[w:Good taste|Good taste]] and [[humor]] are a contradiction in terms, like a [[w:Chaste|chaste]] [[whore]].
**[[Malcolm Muggeridge]], in John G. Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=RFqlPtTSB2kC&amp;pg=PA200 Robertson's Words for a Modern Age: A Cross Reference of Latin and Greek]'', Senior Scribe Publications, 01-Jan-1991, p. 200.

*[[Capitalism]] is not so much an [[w:Aberration|aberration]] as a step on an [[evolution]]ary path, and one that contains within it some of the answers to its own contradictions.
**[[w:Geoff Mulgan|Geoff Mulgan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=A4gXkeGQkj4C&amp;pg=PA209 The Locust and the Bee: Predators and Creators in Capitalism's Future (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 27 February 2013, p. 209.

== N ==

*[[Mahatma Gandhi|Mohandas K.Gandhi]] often changed his [[mind]] publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
**Chesapeake (Random House) Editorial in Detroit News,  in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Eho0AAAAIAAJ The Reader's Digest, Volume 118, Issue 1]'', The Reader's Digest Association, 1981, p. 1.

*...it is trite that contradictions per se do not lead to the rejection of a [[witness]]’s [[evidence]] and what the trier of fact has to take into consideration, are matters such as the nature of the contradictions; their number and importance, and their bearing on other parts of the witness’s evidence. These differences could either be [[immaterial]] to the charges the accused is facing or bona fide [[mistakes]] made by a witness.
**Nicholas, J, in ''[http://www.superiorcourts.org.na/high/docs/judgments/criminal/the%20state%20versus%20amakali%20leevi%20s%20174%20application.pdf Case No. 38/2008 In the matter between:The State And Amakali Leevi]'', Superiorcourts.org , p. 5.

*One is fruitful only at the cost of being [[rich]] in contradictions.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Wolfgang Müller-Lauter ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=BYKgPUIwx2gC&amp;pg=PA7 Nietzsche: His Philosophy of Contradictions and the Contradictions of His Philosophy]'', University of Illinois Press, 01-Jan-1999, p. 7.

*After all, what would be &quot;[[beautiful]]&quot; if the contradiction had not first become [[conscious]] of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: &quot;I am ugly&quot;?
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Onora O'Neill ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=oOdovrGKYWoC&amp;pg=PA159 The Sources of Normativity]'', Cambridge University Press, 28-Jun-1996, p. 159.

*We must be [[physicists]] in order to be [[creative]] since so far codes of values and [[ideals]] have been constructed in [[ignorance]] of [[physics]] or even in contradiction to physics.
**[[Friedrich Nietzsche]], in Carl C. Gaither, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IOFmZoesMNoC&amp;pg=PA1114 Gaither's Dictionary of Scientific Quotations]'', Springer, 08-Jan-2008,

*[[Theories]] which are [[logic]]ally self-contradictory may be significant and [[fruitful]] just in so far as their self-contradictory.
**[[w:Richard Norman|Richard Norman]], in Joe McCarney ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=d6fqWbG_FSMC&amp;pg=PA56  Social Theory and the Crisis of Marxism]'', Verso, 1990, p. 56.

*I'm fascinated by the ways in which people express themselves, because their responses are often counter to what they're actually feeling. Like when they're frightened, they tend to [[w:Freeze|freeze]]. When they're [[angry]], it doesn't always come out as volume. There are wonderful contradictions in the way that people express their [[emotions]].
**[[Edward Norton]], in Scott Tobias ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/edward-norton-14047 Interview Edward Norton]'', A.V. Club, 3 January 2007.

== O ==

*I was listening to a lot of hip hop, [[music]] like Public [[Enemy]] that was about raising [[consciousness]], and I realised I could feed that directly into my [[work]], using [[images]] in a way that was a bit like sampling - taking images from diverse places, exploring the contradictions without trying to hide the seams.
**[[w:Chris Ofili|Chris Ofili]], in Mark Hudson ''[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/7073175/Chris-Ofili-I-wander-deep-into-the-forest-where-its-scary.html Chris Ofili: 'I wander deep into the forest - where it's scary']'', The Telegraph, 25 January 2010.

== P ==

*Is it not a species of [[blasphemy]] to call the [[New Testament]] revealed [[religion]], when we see in it such contradictions and [[w:Absurdities|absurdities]].
**[[Thomas Paine]], in Todd Andrew Rohrer ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=0s9VKFWiqIAC&amp;pg=PA208 This Time They Perceive, Volume 15 (Google eBook)]'', iUniverse, 11 June 2010, p. 208.

*Contradiction is not a sign of [[w:Falsity|falsity]], nor the lack of contradiction a sign of [[truth]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in George Englebretsen ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=aOg_g8JSfKUC&amp;pg=PA153 Bare Facts and Naked Truths: A New Correspondence Theory of Truth]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 2006, p. 153.

*What a [[Wiktionary:Chimera|chimera]] then is man! What a [[novelty]]! What a [[w:Monster|monster]], what a [[chaos]], what a contradiction, what a [[w:Prodigy|prodigy]]! [[Judge]] of all things, [[w:Feeble|feeble]] [[w:Earthworm|earthworm]], depository of [[truth]], a [[w:Sink|sink]] of [[uncertainty]] and [[error]], the [[glory]] and the [[shame]] of the [[universe]].
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in Fred B. Craddock, et al., ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Dw3ONttJgPUC&amp;pg=PA51 Preaching Through the Christian Year: Year C: A Comprehensive Commentary on the Lectionary (Google eBook)]'', Bloomsbury Publishing USA, 01-Nov-1994, p. 51.

*. . . I in my astonishment said: What do you mean [[w:Dionysodorus|Dionysodorus]]? I have often heard, and have been amazed to hear, this [[thesis]] of yours, which is maintained and employed by the disciples of [[w:Protagoras|Protagoras]] and others before them, and which to me appears to be quite [[wonderful]], and [[w:Suicidal|suicidal]] as well as [[w:Destructive|destructive]], and I think that I am most likely to hear the [[truth]] about it from you. The [[dictum]] is that there is no such thing as a [[falsehood]]; a man must either say what is [[true]] or say nothing. Is not that your position?
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mFcMAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA211 The Dialogues of Plato: Charmides. Lysis. Laches. Protagoras. Euthydemus. Cratylus. Phaedrus. Ion. Symposium (Google eBook)]'', Macmillan, 1875, p. 211.

*But when I describe something and you describe another thing, or I say something and you say nothing  - Is there any contradiction? How can he who speaks contradict him who [[speak]]s not.
**[[Plato]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=l-1Cb0gomSwC&amp;pg=PA49 Euthydemus]'', Arc Manor LLC, 1 February 2009, p. 49.

*He who comes from afar may lie without [[fear]] of contradiction as he is sure to be listened to with the utmost [[w:Attention|attention]].
**[[French proverbs]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=kJXb8UHBI8sC&amp;pg=PA13 Quotes about Speakers and Speaking]'', Quotations Book, p. 13.

== Q ==
== R ==

*Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your [[w:Premises|premises]]. You will find that one of them is [[wrong]].
**[[Ayn Rand]], in Edward Wayne Younkins ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5_NDTA9x-qMC&amp;pg=PA128 Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged: A Philosophical and Literary Companion]'', Ashgate Publishing, Ltd., 1 January 2007, p. 128.

*Part of me is drawn to the [[nature]] of [[sad]]ness because I think [[life]] is sad, and sadness is not something that should be avoided or denied. It's a fact of [[life]], like contradictions are.
**[[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]], in Suzie Mackenzie ''[http://www.theguardian.com/film/2004/aug/14/features.weekend American dreamer]'', The Guardian, 14 August 2004.

*Ever since [[Plato]] most [[philosophers]] have considered it part of their business to produce ‘proofs’ of [[immortality]] and the [[w:Existence|existence]] of [[God]]. They have found [[fault]] with the proofs of their predecessors — [[w:Saint Thomas|Saint Thomas]] rejected [[w:Saint Anselm|Saint Anselm]]'s proofs, and [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]] rejected [[René Descartes|Descartes]]' — but they have supplied new ones of their own. In order to make their proofs seem valid, they have had to falsify [[logic]], to make [[mathematics]] [[mystical]], and to pretend that deep seated [[prejudices]] were heaven-sent [[intuitions]].
**[[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://zenofzero.net/docs/IeEvaluatingProofsofGod.pdf. Ie – Evaluating “Proofs” of God’s Existence]'', Zenofzero.net, 30 October 2012.

== S ==
*Those [[laws]], being forged for universal application, are in perpetual conflict with personal interest, just as personal interest is always in contradiction with the general interest. Good for [[society]], our laws are very bad for the [[individuals]] whereof it is composed; for, if they one time protect the individual, they hinder, [[trouble]], [[w:Fetter|fetter]] him for three quarters of his [[life]].
**[[Marquis De Sade]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=7T2WYXK6YFgC&amp;pg=PT422 Justine, Philosophy in the Bedroom]'', Grove Press, 01-Dec-2007, p. 422.

*The major [[religions]] on the [[Earth]] contradict each other left and right. You can't all be correct. And what if all of you are wrong? It's a possibility, you know. You must care about the [[truth]], right? Well, the way to [[w:Winnow|winnow]] through all the differing contentions is to be [[w:Skeptical|skeptical]]. I'm not any more skeptical about your religious beliefs than I am about every new scientific idea I hear about. But in my line of work, they're called [[w:Hypotheses|hypotheses]], not [[inspiration]] and not [[revelation]].
**[[Carl Sagan]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Q6o51-W_z8MC&amp;pg=PA162  Contact''], Simon and Schuster, 1997, p. 162.

*When you [[w:Encounter|encounter]] [[w:Difficulties|difficulties]] and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.
**[[w:Saint Francis de Sales|Saint Francis de Sales]], in Gabriella D. Filippi ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=X1fQJ97lAC8C&amp;pg=PA30 Celebrate Your Seasons: Inspirational Devotions to Progress in Love and Grace (Google eBook)]'', University Press of America, 10-Jul-2012, p. 30.

*In [[art]], and maybe just in general, the [[idea]] is to be able to be really comfortable with contradictory ideas. In other words, [[wisdom]] might be, seem to be, two contradictory ideas both expressed at their highest level and just let to sit in the same cage sort of, vibrating. So, I think as a writer, I'm really never sure of what I really believe.
**[[w:George Saunders|George Saunders]], ''[http://www.aninspirationbook.com/2013_03_01_archive.html 3 George Saunders Quotations About Confusion and Contradiction]'', An Inspiration Book, 26 March 2013.

*How can what an [[w:Englishman|Englishman]] believes be [[w:Hearsay|hearsay]]? It is a contradiction in terms.
**[[George Bernard Shaw]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6vcQbxPNsrAC&amp;pg=PA41 Quotes by Shaw George Bernard]'', Quotations Book.

*[[Life]] is never free of contradictions.
**[[Manmohan Singh]], in Beryl A. Radin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8VsgoeytYf0C&amp;pg=PT131 Federal Management Reform in a World of Contradictions]'', Georgetown University Press, 1 March 2012, p. 131.

== T ==

*In [[love]] all the contradiction of [[w:Existence|existence]] merge themselves and are lost. Only in love are [[unity]] and [[w:Duality|duality]] not at variance. Love must be one and two at the same time.
**[[Rabindranath Tagore]], ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=lkj0ok-BEJsC&amp;printsec=frontcover Sadhana the Realization of Life]'', Filiquarian Publishing, LLC., 01-Jan-2006, p. 90.

* The person you are the most afraid to contradict is yourself.
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Preludes, p.3.

* ... I have something of a [[guess]]: [[Niels Bohr|Bohr]] liked [[paradox]]es. I wanted to eliminate contradictions. He liked those contradictions. And — what I said so far is true — but what I am now going to say is probably true. And — Bohr liked contradictions with good reason ... The simple, straightforward way how we see the world ... it is not a [[w:Wave function|wavefunction]]. It is something that I can describe and understand. If I don't start from such ideas then I can't possibly know what I'm talking about. ... You must start from practical theory with all the contradictions that a detailed [[observation]] then leads to. Then as a next step you resolve these contradictions.
**[[Edward Teller]]: {{cite web|title=Edward Teller - Drinking tea with Niels Bohr (32/147)|date=27 September 2017|website=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP22qvdF8YY}}

*[[Marx]] believed, the contradictions of [[capitalism]] would lead to [[communism]], a classless [[society]] that operates on the principle of “from each according to his [[ability]], to each according to his need.
**Alex Thio, Jim Taylor, in ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hlGnj-Ce6M4C&amp;pg=PA299 Social Problems]'', Jones &amp; Bartlett Publishers, 11-Feb-2011m p,299.

*I don't think anyone now really understands the planetisation of [[mankind]], really understands the new [[world]] order emerging through all this period of [[strain]] and [[pain]] and contradiction, so more than ever, we need to have an internal [[sense]] of [[navigation]].
**[[William Irwin Thompson]], in Katherine Hunt ''[http://issuu.com/katherinehunt/docs/final_book_change Change]'', Digital Publishing Platform for Magazines, Catalogs (ISSUU), p. 19.

*[[Philosophy]] offers the rather cold [[consolation]] that perhaps we and our [[planet]] do not actually exist; [[religion]] presents the contradictory and scarcely more comforting [[thought]] that we exist but that we cannot hope to get anywhere until we cease to exist. [[Alcohol]], in attempting to resolve the contradiction, produces [[vivid]] [[w:Patterns|patterns]] of [[Truth]] which [[w:Vanish|vanish]] like [[snow]] in the morning [[sun]] and cannot be recalled; the [[revelations]] of [[poetry]] are as wonderful as a [[comet]] in the skies , and as [[mysterious]]. [[Love]], which was once believed to contain the Answer, we now know to be nothing more than an inherited behavior [[w:Pattern|pattern]].
**[[James Thurber]], in Henry Goddard Leach ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=who-AAAAMAAJ Forum and Century, Volume 101]'', The Forum Publishing Co., 1939, p. 309

*[[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] or [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction has a twofold meaning. One is that contradiction exists in the process of [[development]] of all things, and the other is that in the process of development of each thing a movement of opposites exists from beginning to end.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], ''[http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/mao/selected-works/volume-1/mswv1_17.htm Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction]'', August 1937.

*Contradiction is present in the process of [[w:Development|development]] of all things; it ''Italic text''[[w:Permeate|permeates]] the process of development of each thing from beginning to end. This is the [[w:Universality (philosophy)|The universality]] and [[Absolutism|absoluteness]] of contradiction.
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The [[sciences]] are differentiated precisely on the basis of the particular contradictions inherent in their respective objects of study. Thus the contradiction peculiar to a certain field of phenomena constitutes the object of study for a specific branch of [[science]]. For example, positive and negative numbers in [[mathematics]]; action and reaction in [[mechanics]]; positive and negative[[electricity]] in [[physics]]; [[w:Dissociation (chemistry)|dissociation]] and combination in [[chemistry]]; forces of [[production]] and [[relations]] of production, classes and [[w:Class struggle|class struggle]], in [[social science]]; offence and defence in [[w:Military science|military science]]; [[idealism]] and [[materialism]], the [[metaphysical]] outlook and the [[w:Dialectical|dialectical]] outlook, in [[philosophy]]; and so on--all these are the objects of study of different branches of science precisely because each branch has its own particular contradiction and particular [[essence]].
**[[Mao Tse-tung]], in &quot;Selected Works of Mao Tse-tung On Contradiction&quot;.

*The cardinal responsibility of [[leadership]] is to [[identify]] the dominant contradiction at each point of the historical process and to work out a central line to resolve it.
**[[Mao Tse-Tung]], in Audrey Kurth Cronin ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=E-bTT2DXZ0EC&amp;pg=PA14 How Terrorism Ends: Understanding the Decline and Demise of Terrorist Campaigns (Google eBook)]'', Princeton University Press, 24-Aug-2009, p. 14.

== U ==

*If a man never contradicts himself, the [[w:Reason|reason]] must be that he virtually never says anything at all.
**[[Miguel de Unamuno]], in Elliot Lovegood Grant Watson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=uz0KovScWK8C&amp;pg=PA167 The Mystery of Physical Life]'', SteinerBooks, 1992, p. 167.

== V ==
== W ==
*As the new [[spirituality]] begins to become the pervasive spirituality of the [[w:Planet|planet]], we'll find that we have abandoned our [[philosophy]] of contradictions in which we say we're all one but continue to try to win.
**[[w:Neale Donald Walsch|Neale Donald Walsch]], in Janice Hughes and Dennis Hughes ''[http://www.shareguide.com/Walsch.html Interview with Neale Donald Walsch Educator, Lecturer and Bestselling author of Conversations with God]'', Share Guide Publishers.

*My criticism of &amp;#91;[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel's]]&amp;#93; [[w:Thesis, antithesis, synthesis|procedure]] is that when in his discussion he arrives at a contradiction, he construes it as a crisis in the universe.
**[[Alfred North Whitehead]], in Max Harold Fisch ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=tlUFYCrOxdkC&amp;pg=PA19 Classic American Philosophers: Peirce, James, Royce, Santayana, Dewey, Whitehead : Selections from Their Writings]'', Fordham Univ Press, 1996, p. 19.

*Do I [[w:Contradict|contradict]] myself?&lt;br&gt;Very well then I contradict myself,&lt;br&gt;(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
**[[Walt Whitman]], &quot;Song of Myself&quot; verse 51 lines 6-8 ''[http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174745]''

*The [[w:Well-bred|well-bred]] contradict other people. The [[wise]] contradict themselves.
**[[Oscar Wilde]], in Bruce Bashford ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=NQRrYgZhwa4C&amp;pg=PA68 Oscar Wilde: The Critic as Humanist]'', Fairleigh Dickinson Univ Press, 1999, p. 68.

*The essence of [[humanity]]'s [[spiritual]] [[w:Dilemma|dilemma]] is that we evolved genetically to accept one [[truth]] and discovered another. Is there a way to erase the dilemma, to resolve the contradictions between the [[w:Transcendentalist|transcendentalist]] and the [[w:Empiricist|empiricist]] [[world]] views?
**[[E. O. Wilson]], in Derek Robertson ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=IGMIWiM_aacC&amp;pg=PA177 The Moral Compass: A Personal Search for Meaning]'', Lulu.com, 2006, p. 177.

*[[w:Propositions|Propositions]] show what they say: [[w:Tautology (logic)|tautologies]] and contradictions show that they say nothing.
**[[Ludwig Wittgenstein]], in Joachim Schulte ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8yiDXnF7Ov4C&amp;pg=PA59 Wittgenstein: An Introduction]'', SUNY Press, 1 January 1992, p. 59.

== X ==
== Y ==
== Z ==
== Anonymous ==

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|contradiction}}

[[Category:Themes]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Nipple</title>
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        <ip>2001:8003:DCA9:E700:D7BE:A156:8405:8598</ip>
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      <comment>has nothing to do with this</comment>
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      <text bytes="13430" sha1="2ul8pv006yvpka6ikle9xd5d4atch99" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Duplessis's_semi-topless_portrait_of_the_Princess_of_Lamballe_dates_from_18th_Century_France.png|thumb|Duplessis's semi-topless portrait of the Princess of Lamballe dates from 18th Century France]]
[[File:Breasts and wine (40318041314).jpg|thumb|My [[brains]] are going out my nipples. —[[Gina Barberi]]]]
[[File:Censorship in anime.jpg|thumb| The video of 'paranoid' has been censored by MTV.&amp;nbsp; They took all nipples out of the [[cartoon]], but they had no problem with the scene in which a man [[amputation|cuts off]] his own [[arms]] and [[legs]]. —[[Thom Yorke]]]]

In its most general form, a '''[[w:nipple|nipple]]''' is a [[structure]] from which a fluid emanates.&amp;nbsp; More specifically, it is the projection on the [[breast]]s or udder of a [[mammal]] by which breast [[milk]] is delivered to a mother's young.&amp;nbsp; In this sense, it is often called a '''teat''', especially when referring to non-humans, and the medical term used to refer to it is '''papilla'''.&amp;nbsp; The rubber mouthpiece of a baby bottle or pacifier may also be referred to as a &quot;nipple&quot; or a &quot;teat&quot;.

==Quotes==
*My [[brains]] are going out my nipples.
**[[Gina Barberi]], ''[[Radio From Hell]]'' (13 January 2006)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
* Addictions come from shortages in infancy. People try to compensate this way. Alcoholism is generally produced from a shortage in mother's milk. And heroin addiction is usually due to a lack of being, the absence of recognition; the drug fills the emptiness of not being loved.
** [[Alejandro Jodorowsky]] ''Psychomagic: The Transformative Power of Shamanic Psychotherapy'' (2010)
* I will now clarify the close connection between breast feeding and intercourse through the following description applicable to both: Tactile stimulation produces an eretion on an erogenous bodily protuberance accompanied by excitation of both participant's genitals. It must be remembered that non-human mammas will not be motivated to breast-feed through an &quot;intellectual appreciation&quot; of its health beefits totheir babies. The female mammal only recognizes that, like intercourse, breast-feeding &quot;feels really good&quot; and thus evolution promotes through sexual pleasure, both habits crucial to survival. It must be recognized that breast feeding, even if considered as &quot;us&quot; sex is primary. It is the first intercourse that any human being experiences!
* Provide a woman with a woman with a rocking chair, and the far-away look of pleasure one often sees among nursing mothers is much closer to the sensual [[Eve]] than to the saintly [[Mary, mother of Jesus|Mary]].
: And the erotic feeling is mutual.
: As the infant grows older he shows eager body responses to nursing. Rhythmic movements of hands, feet, fingers and toes may occur. The mother's breast may be stroked by the infants hand as he moves. Erection of the penis is common in male babies.
:* Dr. Niles Newton ''Breastfeeding Is Lovemaking Between Mother &amp; Child By Rasa Von Werder'' p. 33.

*The uncoupling of male and female traits occurs if there is selection for it: if the trait is important to the [[reproductive]] [[success]] of both [[males]] and [[females]] but the best or &quot;optimal&quot; trait is different for a male and a female.&amp;nbsp; We would not expect such an uncoupling if the attribute is important in both sexes and the &quot;optimal&quot; value is similar in both sexes, nor would we expect uncoupling to [[evolve]] if the attribute is important to one sex but unimportant in the other.&amp;nbsp; The latter is the case for nipples.&amp;nbsp; Their advantage in females, in terms of reproductive success, is clear.&amp;nbsp; But because the genetic &quot;default&quot; is for males and females to share characters, the presence of nipples in males is probably best explained as a genetic correlation that persists through lack of selection against them, rather than selection for them.&amp;nbsp; Interestingly, though, it could be argued that the occurrence of problems associated with the male nipple, such as carcinoma, constitutes contemporary selection against them.&amp;nbsp; In a sense, male nipples are analogous to vestigial structures such as the remnants of useless pelvic bones in whales: if they did much harm, they would have disappeared.
**Andrew M. Simons, [http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-men-have-nipples/ &quot;Why do men have nipples?&quot;] in ''[[Scientific American]]'' (17 September 2003)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*The video of 'paranoid' has been [[Censorship|censored]] by [[MTV]].&amp;nbsp; They took all nipples out of the [[cartoon]], but they had no problem with the scene in which a man [[amputation|cuts off]] his own [[arms]] and [[legs]].
**[[Thom Yorke]] ([http://www.greenplastic.com/coldstorage/articles/humo.html interview], 1997).

* Have ye beheld (with much delight)&lt;br&gt;A red rose peeping through a white?&lt;br&gt;Or else a cherry, double grac’d,&lt;br&gt;Within a lily centre plac’d?&lt;br&gt;Or ever mark’d the pretty beam&lt;br&gt;A strawberry shows half-drown’d in cream?&lt;br&gt;Or seen rich rubies blushing through&lt;br&gt;A pure smooth pearl and orient too?&lt;br&gt;So like to this, nay all the rest,&lt;br&gt;Is each neat niplet of her breast.
** [[Robert Herrick]], &quot;Upon the Nipples of Julia’s Breast&quot;,&lt;br&gt;''Hesperides'' (1648)

==Quotes from fiction==
*'''Frank''': I ''want'' to see her nipples.&lt;br&gt;'''Censor Lady''': But this is a ''[[Christmas]]'' show.&lt;br&gt;'''Frank''': Well, I'm sure [[Charles Dickens]] would have wanted to see her nipples!&lt;br&gt;'''Carpenter''': You can barely see them nipples.&lt;br&gt;'''Frank''': See?&amp;nbsp; And these guys are ''really'' looking!
**''[[Scrooged]]'' (1988)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Hannibal Lecter''': Toughened your nipples, didn't it?
**''[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Rene Mosier''': And even when we were at my grandmother's [[funeral]] when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide.
**''[[Mallrats]]'' (1995)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''[[Bob Costas]]''': ''You're'' excited?&amp;nbsp; Feel these nipples!
**''[[BASEketball]]'' (1998)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Chandler Bing''': Can you see my nipples through this shirt?&lt;br&gt;'''Rachel Green''': No.&amp;nbsp; But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
**&quot;[[Friends (TV series)#The One with the Stoned Guy .5B1.15.5D|The One with the Stoned Guy]]&quot;, ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]'' ([[Friends (TV series)#Season_1|S1]][[Friends (TV series)#The One with the Stoned Guy .5B1.15.5D|E15]], 1995)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Phoebe Buffay''': I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month!&amp;nbsp; ''And'' I saw you eat a cheeseburger.&lt;br&gt;''[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]''&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': Well?&amp;nbsp; Didn't you?&lt;br&gt;'''Phoebe Buffay''': I might've...&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': I can't believe you didn't tell me.&lt;br&gt;'''Phoebe Buffay''': Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': What have I not told you?&lt;br&gt;'''Phoebe Buffay''': ''[smiling]'' Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': What?!&amp;nbsp; Wait a minute!&amp;nbsp; Who told you?!&lt;br&gt;''[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler.&amp;nbsp; Monica turns to him]''&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': You are dead meat.&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': I didn't know it was a big secret.&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': ''[smiles]'' Oh, it's not big.&amp;nbsp; Not at all.&amp;nbsp; Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a '''''third nipple'''''!&lt;br&gt;''[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]''&lt;br&gt;'''Phoebe Buffay''': You have a third nipple?&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': ''[to Monica]'' You bitch.&lt;br&gt;'''Ross Geller''': Whip it out, whip it out!&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': Come on, there's nothing to see!&amp;nbsp; It's just a tiny bump.&amp;nbsp; It's totally useless!&lt;br&gt;'''Rachel Green''': Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?&lt;br&gt;'''Joey Tribbiani''': I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!&lt;br&gt;'''Ross Geller''': Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?&lt;br&gt;'''Joey Tribbiani''': I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.&lt;br&gt;'''everyone''': Lemme see it!&amp;nbsp; Show us!&amp;nbsp; I wanna see!&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': ''Joey was in a porno!''&lt;br&gt;''[everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]''&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
**&quot;[[Friends (TV series)#The One with Phoebe.27s Husband .5B2.04.5D|The One with Phoebe's Husband]]&quot;, ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]'' ([[Friends (TV series)#Season_2|S2]][[Friends (TV series)#The One with Phoebe.27s Husband .5B2.04.5D|E4]], 1995)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Chandler Bing''': Well, hello!&lt;br&gt;'''Joey Tribbiani''': Where've you been?&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': The doctor.&lt;br&gt;'''Ross Geller''': Is everything okay?&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': Oh, yes.&amp;nbsp; Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy.&amp;nbsp; Yep.&amp;nbsp; Two nipples, no waiting.&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': Wow.&amp;nbsp; Just like Rachel in [[high school]].&lt;br&gt;'''Rachel Green''': What?&lt;br&gt;'''Monica Geller''': Come on, I was kidding.&amp;nbsp; It was such an obvious joke.&lt;br&gt;'''Chandler Bing''': That ''was'' an obvious joke.&amp;nbsp; And I didn't think of it.&amp;nbsp; Why didn't I think of it?&amp;nbsp; ''[Points at his chest]'' The source of all my powers!&amp;nbsp; Oh, dear, what have I done?
**&quot;[[Friends (TV series)#The One with Phoebe.27s Ex-Partner .5B3.14.5D|The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner]]&quot;, ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]'' ([[Friends (TV series)#Season_3|S3]][[Friends (TV series)#The One with Phoebe.27s Ex-Partner .5B3.14.5D|E14]], 1997)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*''[after seeing the news about the heat wave]''&lt;br&gt;'''Chris''': ''[about Diane]'' I think I saw one of her nipples!&lt;br&gt;'''Lois''': Chris, that's a terrible [[word]]!&amp;nbsp; ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Nipple&quot;.&amp;nbsp; I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
**&quot;[[Family Guy/Season 1#Brian: Portrait of a Dog|Brian: Portrait of a Dog]]&quot;, ''[[Family Guy]]'' ([[Family Guy/Season 1|S1]][[Family Guy/Season 1#Brian: Portrait of a Dog|E7]], 1999)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Charlie Tweeder''': Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!
**''[[Varsity Blues (film)|Varsity Blues]]'' (1999)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Nicky''': Good luck with the nipple rubbing.&lt;br&gt;'''Nipple Guy''': I don't ''need'' [[luck]].&amp;nbsp; I'm good!&lt;br&gt;'''Nicky''': I-I can see that.&lt;br&gt;'''Nipple Guy''': Ooh!
**''[[Little Nicky]]'' (2000)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Cooties Spokesman''': Cooties will turn your brain into mush ''(cooties...)'', your nipples into lips ''(will...)'', and your dreams into screams ''(totally kill you, dude...)''.
**&quot;[[Wonder Showzen#Health|Health]]&quot;, ''[[Wonder Showzen]]'' ([[Wonder Showzen#Season_1|S1]][[Wonder Showzen#Health|E7]], 2005)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''German Patient''': The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
**''[[The Kids in the Hall]]: [[The Kids in the Hall#The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy .281996.29|Brain Candy]]'' (2006)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Shelley Darlington''': The [[eyes]] are the nipples of the [[face]].
**''[[The House Bunny]]'' (2008)&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
*'''Dean Winchester''': I like to think it's because of my perky nipples.
**&quot;[[Supernatural (season 4)#Lazurus Rising .5B4.01.5D|Lazurus Rising]]&quot;, ''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' ([[Supernatural (season 4)|S4]][[Supernatural (season 4)#Lazurus Rising .5B4.01.5D|E1]], 2008)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Carl''': Oh c'mon!&amp;nbsp; What do I gotta do here?&lt;br&gt;'''John Kruk''': Here, take this [[knife]], slice of your nipples, and feed them to the [[sisters]].&amp;nbsp; Like [[grapes]].&lt;br&gt;'''Carl''': All right.&amp;nbsp; No, I'm not doing that.&lt;br&gt;'''John Kruk''': Oh c'mon man.&amp;nbsp; You know you're [[drunk]].&lt;br&gt;'''Carl''': Yeah, I know.&amp;nbsp; ''[cuts off his nipples]''&amp;nbsp; It's a good thing too, otherwise I would totally feel this.&lt;br&gt;'''John Kruk''': Do you have them?&amp;nbsp; All right, now take them and throw them in the [[sewer]].&lt;br&gt;'''Carl''': I thought that you said—&lt;br&gt;'''John Kruk''': You thought what?!&amp;nbsp; That you're [[stupid]]?&amp;nbsp; You're so stupid!&amp;nbsp; That's for hitting me with a battery at Shea, you asshole!&lt;br&gt;'''Carl''': So, they don't want the nipples?&lt;br&gt;'''John Kruk''': Dude, who ''would'' want them?&amp;nbsp; Dogs don't want them.&amp;nbsp; Okay?
**&quot;[[Aqua_Teen_Hunger_Force_(Season_5)#Sirens|Sirens]]&quot;, ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)|S5]][[Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Season 5)#Sirens|E3]], 2008)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Hedonism Bot''': It seems [[Bender Bending Rodríguez|Bender]] [[hates]] [[humans]] the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial [[sand paper]].
**''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
*'''Chris''': Why are your nipples poking into me?!&lt;br&gt;'''Meg''': Sorry!&amp;nbsp; That happens when I'm [[cold]].&lt;br&gt;'''Chris''': But why are there ''three'' of them?!&lt;br&gt;'''Meg''': There aren't!&amp;nbsp; Two of them are moles.&lt;br&gt;'''Chris''': Those numbers still don't add up!
**&quot;[[Family Guy/Season 12#Finders Keepers|Finders Keepers]]&quot;, ''[[Family Guy]]'' ([[Family Guy/Season 12|S12]][[Family Guy/Season 12#Finders Keepers|E1]], 2013).

==See also==
* [[Body]]
* [[Breast]]
*''[[The Toxic Avenger]]'' (1984), has a character named '''Nipples'''

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}

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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2600:1008:B103:3526:54B1:9CCA:CB4F:E288|2600:1008:B103:3526:54B1:9CCA:CB4F:E288]] ([[User talk:2600:1008:B103:3526:54B1:9CCA:CB4F:E288|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2600:1008:B103:3526:54B1:9CCA:CB4F:E288|contributions]]) to last version by 158.115.165.189</comment>
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      <text bytes="22993" sha1="831kyjvv05tye9aajd7vg7fjfgnidpk" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Whiplash movie logo.png|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Whiplash (2014 film)|Whiplash]]''''' is a [[w:2014 in film|2014 film]] about a student drummer enrolling at a cut-throat music conservatory where he dreams of greatness are mentored by an abusive instructor.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Damien Chazelle|Damien Chazelle]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''The road to greatness can take you to the edge.'''&lt;/center&gt;

== Terence Fletcher ==
* We've got a squeaker today, people. Neiman. 19 years old. Isn't he cute?

* Parker, that is not your boyfriend's dick. Do not come early. 

* It's all good, no worries, here we go.

* ''[playing an audio clip of a trumpet solo for the band]'' Six years ago, I came across a kid in a practice room working on his scales. He was early second year and he'd started at Shaffer with a lot of hope. Like all you guys. But the truth was, he barely squeaked in to begin with, and, uh... he was really struggling. The faculty were all telling him, &quot;Maybe this isn't for you.&quot; But they didn't see what I saw. This scared, skinny kid, cursing himself because he couldn't get his scales right. I saw a drive in him. And I put him in Studio Band. And when he graduated, Marsalis made him third trumpet at Lincoln Center. A year later, he was first. And that's who you're listening to now. His name was Sean Casey. I found out this morning that... Sean... died yesterday... in a car accident. And, uh, I just... I wanted you guys to know he was a beautiful player. I just thought you should know.

* And here comes Mister Gay Pride of the Upper West Side himself. Unfortunately, this is not a Bette Midler concert, we will not be serving Cosmopolitans and Baked Alaska, so just play faster than you give fucking hand jobs, will you please? One, two, one, two. ''[Carl starts drumming, Fletcher stops him]'' Not even fucking close. ''[to Ryan]'' Let's go, with the Irish Mick-fucking-Paddy cracker now. You know, you actually do look quite a bit like a leprechaun. I think I'm gonna start calling you Flannery.

* ''[after Andrew stops drumming]'' Is that really the fastest you can play, you worthless Hymie fuck? No wonder mommy ran out on you. Get off the fucking kit.

* Were you rushing or were you dragging?

* If you deliberately sabotage ''my'' band, I will ''fuck you'' like a pig.

* Oh, my dear God. Are you one of those single tear people?

* You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't [[Eugene O'Neill]], who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year-old girl!

* Either you're deliberately out of tune and sabotaging my band, or you don't know you're out of tune, which, I'm afraid, is even worse.

* For the record, Metz wasn't out of tune. You were, Erickson, but he didn't know and that's bad enough.

* Neiman, you earned the part. Alternates, will you clean the blood off my drum set?

* ''[Repeated line]'' Not quite my tempo.

* The folder is your fucking responsibility, Tanner. Why would you give it to Neiman? Right? You give a calculator to a fucking retard he's gonna try to turn on a TV with it. Now get your sticks and get your ass on stage.

* Listen up, cocksuckers! Hurry the fuck up. Get your music. &quot;Irene&quot; only. Set one. Rhythm section out first. Tanner, the kit is a tonal fucking catastrophe. Get it in tune, all right? Rhythm and soloists, bar 45. We're gonna pick up the tempo there, all right? Bar 106, brass, do not forget we sharp that ninth. Everybody remember, Lincoln Center and its ilk use these competitions to decide who they are interested in and who they are not. And I am not gonna have my reputation in that department tarnished by a bunch of fucking limp-dick, sour-note, flatter-than-their-girlfriends, flexible-tempo dipshits. Got it? One more thing. Eugene, give me that. ''[Eugene hands Fletcher his music folder]'' If I ''ever'' see another one of these lying around, I swear to ''fucking God'', I will stop being so polite. ''[to a stagehand who just walked in]'' Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you. ''[to band]'' Stage right, in order, now. ''[to stagehand]'' I can still fucking see you, Mini-Me!

* You think I'm fucking stupid? I know it was you.

* Now, are you a rusher, or are you a dragger, or are you gonna be '''''ON MY FUCKING TIME?!'''''

* Sorry guys, hate to put you through this...If you need to fucking take a dump, or get a coffee, whatever - now might be a good time, because we're gonna stay here until I find a drummer who can fucking play in time. I apologize to the musicians...Seriously, take ten, twenty, a fucking hour. ''[to drummers]'' You hear me, cocksuckers? You better start shitting me ''perfect'' four-hundreds. Connolly, get your fucking ass back on the kit!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Fletcher''': Tell me it's not you, Elmer Fudd. ''[walks over to Metz]'' It's okay. Play.
:''[Metz plays a couple of notes; Fletcher stops him]''
:'''Fletcher''': Do you think you're out of tune?
:''[Metz only stares at the floor]''
:'''Fletcher''': ''What are you... there's no fucking Mars Bar down there, what are you looking at? Look up here, look at me. Do you think you were out of tune?''
:'''Metz''': ''[after a long, hesitant pause]'' Yes.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[yelling]'' '''''THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!''''' ''[calmer tone]'' I've carried your fat ass for too long, Metz. I'm not gonna have you cost us a competition because your mind's on a fucking Happy Meal instead of on pitch. Jackson, congratulations. You're fourth chair. Metz, why are you still sitting there? ''Get the fuck out!''
:''[Metz gets up and walks out out of the room]''
:'''Fletcher''': ''[to the band]'' For the record, Metz wasn't out of tune. You were, Erickson, but he didn't know and that's bad enough. Alright take 10, when we get back the squeaker's on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Your parents musicians?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Fletcher''': What do they do?
:'''Andrew''': My, uh, dad's a writer.
:'''Fletcher''': Oh, what's he written?
:'''Andrew''': Uh, I guess he's more of a teacher, really.
:'''Fletcher''': Oh. College?
:'''Andrew''': Pennington High School.
:'''Fletcher''': What about your mother, what does she do?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, she left when I was a baby.
:'''Fletcher''': So no musicians in the family. ''[Andrew shakes his head]'' Well, you've just got to listen to the greats then. Buddy Rich, Jo Jones. You know, Charlie Parker became Bird because Jones threw a cymbal at his head. See what I'm saying?
:'''Andrew''': Mm-hm.
:'''Fletcher''': Listen, the key is to just relax. Don't worry about the numbers, don't worry about what the other guys are thinking. You're here for a reason. You believe that, right?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it.
:'''Andrew''': I'm here for a reason.
:'''Fletcher''': Cool. All right, man. Have fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head, Neiman?
:'''Andrew''': I... I don't know.
:'''Fletcher''': Sure you do.
:'''Andrew''': The tempo.
:'''Fletcher''': Were you rushing or were you dragging?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know.
:''[Fletcher rushes to the kit and stares Andrew in the face]''
:'''Fletcher''': Start counting.
:'''Andrew''': Five, six--
:'''Fletcher''': In four, damn it! Look at me.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four-- ''[Fletcher slaps him]'' ...One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three...
:'''Fletcher''': Now, was I rushing or was I dragging?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know.
:'''Fletcher''': Count again.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three...
:'''Fletcher''': Rushing or dragging?
:'''Andrew''': Rushing.
:'''Fletcher''': So you ''do'' know the difference! If you deliberately sabotage ''my'' band, I will ''fuck you'' like a pig. Now are you a rusher, or are you a ''dragger'', or are you gonna be '''''ON MY FUCKING TIME?!'''''
:'''Andrew''': I'm gonna be on your time.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[points to sheet music]'' What does that say?
:'''Andrew''': Quarter note equals 215.
:'''Fletcher''': Count me a 215.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
:'''Fletcher''': Jesus fucking Christ! I didn't know they allowed retards into Shaffer! Am I to understand that you ''cannot'' read tempo? Can you even fucking read music?! What is that?
:'''Andrew''': Eighth note.
:'''Fletcher''': Yes, what is that?
:'''Andrew''': Dotted sixteenth note.
:'''Fletcher''': Sight-read measure 101.
:'''Andrew''': Bop-bop-ba-bop-ba--
:'''Fletcher''': What, are you in a fucking a cappella group? Play the goddamn kit! ''[Andrew drums the measure]'' Stop. Now answer my question: were you rushing, or were you dragging? ''[Andrew doesn't respond]'' '''''ANSWER!!!'''''
:'''Andrew''': Rushing.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[sees Andrew shed a tear]'' Oh, my dear God. Are you one of those single tear people? Do I look like a double fucking rainbow to you? You must be upset. Are you upset?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Fletcher''': No? So you just don't give a shit about any of this?
:'''Andrew''': I ''do'' give a shit about this.
:'''Fletcher''': So, are you upset? Yes or fucking no? ''[Andrew nods yes]'' Yes, you are upset.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it.
:'''Andrew''': I'm upset.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it so the whole band can hear you.
:'''Andrew''': I'm upset!
:'''Fletcher''': Louder!
:'''Andrew''': ''[loud]'' I'm upset!
:'''Fletcher''': LOUDER!
:'''Andrew''': ''[louder]'' I'M UPSET!
:'''Fletcher''': You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't [[Eugene O'Neill]], and who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year old girl! So for the final, FATHER-FUCKING TIME, '''''SAY IT LOUDER!!!'''''
:'''Andrew''': ''[high pitched]'' '''''I'M UPSET!!!'''''
:'''Fletcher''': Carl. ''[Carl takes Andrew's place at the drums as Fletcher goes back to compose the band]'' Start practicing harder, Neiman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I need to look at the music.
:'''Andrew''': Oh yeah, it's right here. ''[He turns around to realize the folder is not where he left it]''
:'''Carl''': Why isn't it on you?
:'''Andrew''': ''[Confused]'' Where's the folder?
:'''Carl''': You're joking, right?
:'''Andrew''': I- no- no, I literal- no, I s- I swear I just had it here two seconds ago-
:'''Carl''': I don't know-
:'''Andrew''': It's gotta be around here somewhere. Did you see-
:'''Carl''': ''[Angry]'' How could you be so fucking stupid?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, maybe a janitor came by or something-
:'''Carl''': A janitor? ''[Desperate]'' '''FIND THE FUCKING FOLDER! A FUCKING JANITOR?!''' YOU'RE A DUMB FUCK! A DUMB FUCK! FIND THE FOLDER!
:'''Andrew''': I'm sorry-
''[Fletcher calls Tanner from off the scene. Both drummers turn around when they hear him.]''  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Jesus fucking Christ, where have you been?
:'''Carl''': We have an issue.
:'''Fletcher''': Okay, now is not the time.
:'''Carl''': I gave Neiman the folder and Neiman lost it.
:'''Fletcher''': Neiman lost it?
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Fletcher''': The folder is your fucking responsibility, Tanner. Why would you give it to Neiman? Right? You give a calculator to a fucking retard he's gonna try to turn on a TV with it. Now get your sticks and get your ass on stage.
:'''Carl''': I-- I can't.
:'''Fletcher''': You can't?
:'''Carl''': I-- I can't go onstage. I don't know the charts by heart.
:'''Fletcher''': Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Carl''': I-- ''[stammers]'' You know this. I need the music. It's my memory, I need visual cues.
:'''Fletcher''': Visual cues?
:'''Carl''': Yes, it's a medical condition--
:'''Fletcher''': A medical condition? What are you, fucking [[Sanjay Gupta]]? Play the goddamn music.
:'''Carl''': I can't.
:'''Andrew''': I can.
:'''Fletcher''': You know &quot;Whiplash&quot; by heart?
:'''Andrew''': Yes, sir. Every measure.
:'''Fletcher''': All right. Well, you better fucking hope your memory doesn't fail you. And I hope you play it a whole lot better than you did last month in rehearsal, because I do not intend to start losing now. Get your sticks and get your fucking ass onstage. ''[to band]'' Onstage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Frank''': You got any friends, Andy?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Oh, why's that?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, I just never really saw the use.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Well, who are you going to play with otherwise? [[John Lennon|Lennon]] and [[w:Paul McCartney|McCartney]], they were school buddies, am I right?
:'''Andrew''': [[Charlie Parker]] didn't know anybody 'til [[w:Jo Jones |Jo Jones]] threw a cymbal at his head.
:'''Uncle Frank''': So that's your idea of success, huh?
:'''Andrew''': I think being the greatest musician of the 20th century is anybody's idea of success.
:'''Jim''': Dying broke and drunk and full of heroin at the age of 34 is not exactly my idea of success.
:'''Andrew''': I'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remembered who I was.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Ah, but your friends will remember you, that's the point.
:'''Andrew''': None of us were friends with Charlie Parker. ''That's'' the point.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Travis and Dustin? They have plenty of friends and plenty of purpose.
:'''Andrew''': I'm sure they'll make great school board presidents someday.
:'''Dustin''': Oh, that's what this is all about? You think you're better than us?
:'''Andrew''': You catch on quick. Are you in Model UN?
:'''Travis''': I got a reply for you, Andrew. You think Carleton football's a joke? Come play with us.
:'''Andrew''': Four words you will never hear from the NFL.
:'''Aunt Emma''': Who wants dessert?
:'''Jim''': Hear from Lincoln Center?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''': I'm just gonna lay it out there. This is why I don't think we should be together. And I've thought about it a lot and this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna keep pursuing what I'm pursuing. And because I'm doing that, it's gonna take up more and more of my time. And I'm not gonna be able to spend as much time with you. And when I do spend time with you, I'm gonna be thinking about drumming. And I'm gonna be thinking about jazz music, my charts, all that. And because of that, you're gonna start to resent me. And you're gonna tell me to ease up on the drumming, spend more time with you because you're not feeling important. And I'm not gonna be able to do that. And really, I'm gonna start to resent you for even asking me to stop drumming. And we're just gonna start to hate each other. And it's gonna get very... It's gonna be ugly. And so for those reasons, I'd rather just, you know, break it off clean... because I wanna be great.
:'''Nicole''': And you're not?
:'''Andrew''': I wanna be one of the greats.
:'''Nicole''': And I would stop you from doing that?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Nicole''': You know I would stop you from doing that. You know, for a fact?
:'''Andrew''': Yes.
:'''Nicole''': And I'd barely see you anyway?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Nicole''': And when I do see you, you'd treat me like shit because I'm just some girl who doesn't know what she wants. And you have a path, and you're gonna be great, and I'm going to be forgotten, and therefore you won't be able to give me the time of day because you have bigger things to pursue?
:'''Andrew''': That's exactly my point.
:'''Nicole''': What the fuck is wrong with you? You're right, we should not be dating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''': Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late.
:'''Fletcher''': Well, glad you could fit us into your busy schedule, darling. 
:'''Andrew''': I know. Look, I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm here. I'm ready to go.
:'''Fletcher''': Connolly's playing the part.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, like ''fucking hell'' he's playing my part.
:'''Fletcher''': What the fuck did you just say to me?
:'''Andrew''': It's my part.
:'''Fletcher''': It's my part and I decide who to lend it to. Usually it's somebody that has fucking sticks.
:''[Andrew realizes he left his drumsticks behind]''
:'''Andrew''': I left them in the car, I'll be right back. Take me five minutes.
:'''Fletcher''': I'm warming up the band now.
:'''Andrew''': Look, I can use Ryan's sticks.
:'''Fletcher''': Neiman, you lost the fucking part.
:'''Andrew''': No, I didn't! Look, you can't fucking do this to me!
:'''Fletcher''': ''''CAN'T''''?!
:'''Andrew''': Yeah!
:'''Fletcher''': When did you become a fucking expert on what I can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shitsack?
:'''Andrew''': I earned that part.
:'''Fletcher''': You never ''earned'' anything. God, you are a self-righteous prick. The only reason you are a core is because you misplaced a folder. The only reason you're in Studio Band to begin with is because I told you ''exactly'' what I'd be asking for in Nassau! Am I wrong?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, yeah. I'm in studio band because I'm the best player...
:'''Ryan''': ''[interrupts]'' Hey, why don't you just back off, bro?
:'''Andrew''': Hey, you know, fuck off, Johnny Utah! Turn my pages, '''bitch!'''
:'''Fletcher''': Hey, I can cut you any fucking time I want.
:'''Andrew''': You would've cut me by now.
:'''Fletcher''': Try me, you fucking weasel! At 5:30, that's in exactly eleven minutes, my band is onstage. If your ass is not on that stool with your own fucking sticks in hand or you make ONE FUCKING MISTAKE, ''ONE'', I will drum your ass back to Nassau where you can turn pages until you graduate or fucking drop out! By the time you're done at Shaffer, you're gonna make Daddy look like a fucking success story! Got it? ''Or'', we can let Johnny Utah play the part. You choose.
:'''Andrew''': It's my part, I'll be on your stage. ''[to Connelly]'' Fuck you. ''[runs to get his sticks]''
:'''Fletcher''': You got ten minutes you fucking pathetic pansy-ass fruit-fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawyer''': Does the name Sean Casey mean anything to you? You know of his death? Last month, he hanged himself in his apartment.
:'''Andrew''': What does that have to do with me?
:'''Lawyer''': Sean suffered from anxiety and depression. His mother claims this started during his time as Fletcher's student. Now, the Casey's aren't wealthy, they don't want to file suit.
:'''Andrew''': So, what do they want?
:'''Lawyer''': To make sure that Terence Fletcher is never allowed to do this to another student.
:'''Andrew''': He didn't do anything.
:'''Jim''': What is wrong with you? It's over, okay? He's out of your life. Why would you let him get away with what he did to you?
:'''Lawyer''': Would you characterize his conduct as extreme, Andrew? Did he ever intentionally inflict emotional distress? This would not be a public hearing, you know. Fletcher would never know it was you who spoke up.
:'''Andrew''': Why would you do this to me?
:'''Jim''': Do you think that I would let him put my son through hell, and then just walk away scot-free? Don't you know I would never let that happen? That there is nothing in the world more important to me than you? Don't you know that?
:'''Lawyer''': ''[long pause]'' Andrew?
:'''Andrew''': Just tell me what to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': I don't know if you heard. I'm not at Shaffer anymore.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, I did hear that. Did you quit?
:'''Fletcher''': Not exactly. Some parents got a kid from Sean Casey's year, I think, to say some things about me. Although why anybody would have anything other than peaches and cream to say anything about me is a mystery. ''[Andrew chuckles]'' That's a good laugh, right?
:'''Andrew''': I'm sorry.
:'''Fletcher''': No, listen-- I get it. I know I made enemies. I'm conducting a little, though. They brought back the JVC Fest this year. They got me opening in a couple weeks with a pro band.
:'''Andrew''': That's great.
:'''Fletcher''': Yeah. It's all right. Truth is, I don't think people understood what it was I was doing at Shaffer. I wasn't there to conduct. Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to ''push'' people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is... an ''absolute'' necessity. Otherwise, we're depriving the world of the next [[Louis Armstrong]]. The next [[w:Charlie Parker|Charlie Parker]]. I told you that story about how Charlie Parker ''became'' Charlie Parker, right?
:'''Andrew''': [[w:Jo Jones|Jo Jones]] threw a cymbal at his head.
:'''Fletcher''': Exactly. Parker's a young kid, pretty good on the sax. Gets up to play at a cutting session, and he fucks it up. And Jones nearly decapitates him for it. And he's laughed off-stage. Cries himself to sleep that night, but the next morning, what does he do? He practices. And he practices and he practices with one goal in mind: never to be laughed at again. And a year later, he goes back to the Reno and he steps up on that stage, and plays the best motherfucking solo the world has ever heard. So imagine if Jones had just said, &quot;Well, that's okay, Charlie. That was all right. Good job.&quot; And then Charlie thinks to himself, &quot;Well, shit, I did do a pretty good job.&quot; End of story. No Bird. That, to me, is an absolute tragedy. But that's just what the world wants now. People wonder why jazz is dying. I tell you, man, and every Starbucks &quot;jazz&quot; album just proves my point, really - there are no two words in the English language more harmful than &quot;good job&quot;.
:'''Andrew''': ''[pause]'' But is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far, and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming Charlie Parker?
:'''Fletcher''': No, man, no. Because the next Charlie Parker would never ''be'' discouraged.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': The truth is, Andrew, I never really had a Charlie Parker. But I tried. I ''actually'' fucking tried, and that's more than most people ever do. And I will ''never'' apologize for how I tried.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Miles Teller|Miles Teller]] - Andrew Neiman
* [[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Terence Fletcher 
* [[w:Paul Reiser|Paul Reiser]] - Jim Neiman
* [[w:Melissa Benoist|Melissa Benoist]] - Nicole
* [[w:Austin Stowell|Austin Stowell]] - Ryan
* [[w:Jayson Blair (actor)|Jayson Blair]] - Travis
* [[w:Kavita Patil|Kavita Patil]] - Sophie
* [[w:Michael Cohen (actor)|Michael Cohen]] - Stagehand Dunellen
* [[w:Kofi Siriboe|Kofi Siriboe]] - Greg
* [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]] - Uncle Frank

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=2582802|title=Whiplash}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=whiplash_2014|title=Whiplash}} &lt;br /&gt;
* [http://www.fletcherquote.com Whiplash] quotes at [http://www.fletcherquote.com FletcherQuote]

[[Category:2014 films]] 
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Sundance Film Festival award winners]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Jazz films]]
[[Category:Films about educators]]</text>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/UDScott|contributions]]) to last version by 2600:1008:B103:3526:54B1:9CCA:CB4F:E288</comment>
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[[File:Whiplash movie logo.png|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Whiplash (2014 film)|Whiplash]]''''' is a [[w:2014 in film|2014 film]] about a student drummer enrolling at a cut-throat music conservatory where he dreams of greatness are mentored by an abusive instructor.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Damien Chazelle|Damien Chazelle]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''The road to greatness can take you to the edge.'''&lt;/center&gt;

== Terence Fletcher ==
* We've got a squeaker today, people. Neiman. 19 years old. Isn't he cute?

* Parker, that is not your boyfriend's dick. Do not come early. 

* It's all good, no worries, here we go.

* ''[playing an audio clip of a trumpet solo for the band]'' Six years ago, I came across a kid in a practice room working on his scales. He was early second year and he'd started at Shaffer with a lot of hope. Like all you guys. But the truth was, he barely squeaked in to begin with, and, uh... he was really struggling. The faculty were all telling him, &quot;Maybe this isn't for you.&quot; But they didn't see what I saw. This scared, skinny kid, cursing himself because he couldn't get his scales right. I saw a drive in him. And I put him in Studio Band. And when he graduated, Marsalis made him third trumpet at Lincoln Center. A year later, he was first. And that's who you're listening to now. His name was Sean Casey. I found out this morning that... Sean... died yesterday... in a car accident. And, uh, I just... I wanted you guys to know he was a beautiful player. I just thought you should know.

* And here comes Mister Gay Pride of the Upper West Side himself. Unfortunately, this is not a Bette Midler concert, we will not be serving Cosmopolitans and Baked Alaska, so just play faster than you give fucking hand jobs, will you please? One, two, one, two. ''[Carl starts drumming, Fletcher stops him]'' Not even fucking close. ''[to Ryan]'' Let's go, with the Irish Mick-fucking-Paddy cracker now. You know, you actually do look quite a bit like a leprechaun. I think I'm gonna start calling you Flannery.

* ''[after Andrew stops drumming]'' Is that really the fastest you can play, you worthless Hymie fuck? No wonder mommy ran out on you. Get off the fucking kit.

* Either you're deliberately out of tune and sabotaging my band, or you don't know you're out of tune, which, I'm afraid, is even worse.

* Neiman, you earned the part. Alternates, will you clean the blood off my drum set?

* ''[Repeated line]'' Not quite my tempo.

* Listen up, cocksuckers! Hurry the fuck up. Get your music. &quot;Irene&quot; only. Set one. Rhythm section out first. Tanner, the kit is a tonal fucking catastrophe. Get it in tune, all right? Rhythm and soloists, bar 45. We're gonna pick up the tempo there, all right? Bar 106, brass, do not forget we sharp that ninth. Everybody remember, Lincoln Center and its ilk use these competitions to decide who they are interested in and who they are not. And I am not gonna have my reputation in that department tarnished by a bunch of fucking limp-dick, sour-note, flatter-than-their-girlfriends, flexible-tempo dipshits. Got it? One more thing. Eugene, give me that. ''[Eugene hands Fletcher his music folder]'' If I ''ever'' see another one of these lying around, I swear to ''fucking God'', I will stop being so polite. ''[to a stagehand who just walked in]'' Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you. ''[to band]'' Stage right, in order, now. ''[to stagehand]'' I can still fucking see you, Mini-Me!

* You think I'm fucking stupid? I know it was you.

* Sorry guys, hate to put you through this...If you need to fucking take a dump, or get a coffee, whatever - now might be a good time, because we're gonna stay here until I find a drummer who can fucking play in time. I apologize to the musicians...Seriously, take ten, twenty, a fucking hour. ''[to drummers]'' You hear me, cocksuckers? You better start shitting me ''perfect'' four-hundreds. Connolly, get your fucking ass back on the kit!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Fletcher''': Tell me it's not you, Elmer Fudd. ''[walks over to Metz]'' It's okay. Play.
:''[Metz plays a couple of notes; Fletcher stops him]''
:'''Fletcher''': Do you think you're out of tune?
:''[Metz only stares at the floor]''
:'''Fletcher''': ''What are you... there's no fucking Mars Bar down there, what are you looking at? Look up here, look at me. Do you think you were out of tune?''
:'''Metz''': ''[after a long, hesitant pause]'' Yes.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[yelling]'' '''''THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!''''' ''[calmer tone]'' I've carried your fat ass for too long, Metz. I'm not gonna have you cost us a competition because your mind's on a fucking Happy Meal instead of on pitch. Jackson, congratulations. You're fourth chair. Metz, why are you still sitting there? ''Get the fuck out!''
:''[Metz gets up and walks out out of the room]''
:'''Fletcher''': ''[to the band]'' For the record, Metz wasn't out of tune. You were, Erickson, but he didn't know and that's bad enough. Alright take 10, when we get back the squeaker's on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Your parents musicians?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Fletcher''': What do they do?
:'''Andrew''': My, uh, dad's a writer.
:'''Fletcher''': Oh, what's he written?
:'''Andrew''': Uh, I guess he's more of a teacher, really.
:'''Fletcher''': Oh. College?
:'''Andrew''': Pennington High School.
:'''Fletcher''': What about your mother, what does she do?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, she left when I was a baby.
:'''Fletcher''': So no musicians in the family. ''[Andrew shakes his head]'' Well, you've just got to listen to the greats then. Buddy Rich, Jo Jones. You know, Charlie Parker became Bird because Jones threw a cymbal at his head. See what I'm saying?
:'''Andrew''': Mm-hm.
:'''Fletcher''': Listen, the key is to just relax. Don't worry about the numbers, don't worry about what the other guys are thinking. You're here for a reason. You believe that, right?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it.
:'''Andrew''': I'm here for a reason.
:'''Fletcher''': Cool. All right, man. Have fun.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head, Neiman?
:'''Andrew''': I... I don't know.
:'''Fletcher''': Sure you do.
:'''Andrew''': The tempo.
:'''Fletcher''': Were you rushing or were you dragging?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know.
:''[Fletcher rushes to the kit and stares Andrew in the face]''
:'''Fletcher''': Start counting.
:'''Andrew''': Five, six--
:'''Fletcher''': In four, damn it! Look at me.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four-- ''[Fletcher slaps him]'' ...One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three...
:'''Fletcher''': Now, was I rushing or was I dragging?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know.
:'''Fletcher''': Count again.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three, four-- ''[slap]'' ...One, two, three...
:'''Fletcher''': Rushing or dragging?
:'''Andrew''': Rushing.
:'''Fletcher''': So you ''do'' know the difference! If you deliberately sabotage ''my'' band, I will ''fuck you'' like a pig. Now are you a rusher, or are you a ''dragger'', or are you gonna be '''''ON MY FUCKING TIME?!'''''
:'''Andrew''': I'm gonna be on your time.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[points to sheet music]'' What does that say?
:'''Andrew''': Quarter note equals 215.
:'''Fletcher''': Count me a 215.
:'''Andrew''': One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
:'''Fletcher''': Jesus fucking Christ! I didn't know they allowed retards into Shaffer! Am I to understand that you ''cannot'' read tempo? Can you even fucking read music?! What is that?
:'''Andrew''': Eighth note.
:'''Fletcher''': Yes, what is that?
:'''Andrew''': Dotted sixteenth note.
:'''Fletcher''': Sight-read measure 101.
:'''Andrew''': Bop-bop-ba-bop-ba--
:'''Fletcher''': What, are you in a fucking a cappella group? Play the goddamn kit! ''[Andrew drums the measure]'' Stop. Now answer my question: were you rushing, or were you dragging? ''[Andrew doesn't respond]'' '''''ANSWER!!!'''''
:'''Andrew''': Rushing.
:'''Fletcher''': ''[sees Andrew shed a tear]'' Oh, my dear God. Are you one of those single tear people? Do I look like a double fucking rainbow to you? You must be upset. Are you upset?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Fletcher''': No? So you just don't give a shit about any of this?
:'''Andrew''': I ''do'' give a shit about this.
:'''Fletcher''': So, are you upset? Yes or fucking no? ''[Andrew nods yes]'' Yes, you are upset.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it.
:'''Andrew''': I'm upset.
:'''Fletcher''': Say it so the whole band can hear you.
:'''Andrew''': I'm upset!
:'''Fletcher''': Louder!
:'''Andrew''': ''[loud]'' I'm upset!
:'''Fletcher''': LOUDER!
:'''Andrew''': ''[louder]'' I'M UPSET!
:'''Fletcher''': You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't [[Eugene O'Neill]], and who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year old girl! So for the final, FATHER-FUCKING TIME, '''''SAY IT LOUDER!!!'''''
:'''Andrew''': ''[high pitched]'' '''''I'M UPSET!!!'''''
:'''Fletcher''': Carl. ''[Carl takes Andrew's place at the drums as Fletcher goes back to compose the band]'' Start practicing harder, Neiman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I need to look at the music.
:'''Andrew''': Oh yeah, it's right here. ''[He turns around to realize the folder is not where he left it]''
:'''Carl''': Why isn't it on you?
:'''Andrew''': ''[Confused]'' Where's the folder?
:'''Carl''': You're joking, right?
:'''Andrew''': I- no- no, I literal- no, I s- I swear I just had it here two seconds ago-
:'''Carl''': I don't know-
:'''Andrew''': It's gotta be around here somewhere. Did you see-
:'''Carl''': ''[Angry]'' How could you be so fucking stupid?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, maybe a janitor came by or something-
:'''Carl''': A janitor? ''[Desperate]'' '''FIND THE FUCKING FOLDER! A FUCKING JANITOR?!''' YOU'RE A DUMB FUCK! A DUMB FUCK! FIND THE FOLDER!
:'''Andrew''': I'm sorry-
''[Fletcher calls Tanner from off the scene. Both drummers turn around when they hear him.]''  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': Jesus fucking Christ, where have you been?
:'''Carl''': We have an issue.
:'''Fletcher''': Okay, now is not the time.
:'''Carl''': I gave Neiman the folder and Neiman lost it.
:'''Fletcher''': Neiman lost it?
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Fletcher''': The folder is your fucking responsibility, Tanner. Why would you give it to Neiman? Right? You give a calculator to a fucking retard he's gonna try to turn on a TV with it. Now get your sticks and get your ass on stage.
:'''Carl''': I-- I can't.
:'''Fletcher''': You can't?
:'''Carl''': I-- I can't go onstage. I don't know the charts by heart.
:'''Fletcher''': Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Carl''': I-- ''[stammers]'' You know this. I need the music. It's my memory, I need visual cues.
:'''Fletcher''': Visual cues?
:'''Carl''': Yes, it's a medical condition--
:'''Fletcher''': A medical condition? What are you, fucking [[Sanjay Gupta]]? Play the goddamn music.
:'''Carl''': I can't.
:'''Andrew''': I can.
:'''Fletcher''': You know &quot;Whiplash&quot; by heart?
:'''Andrew''': Yes, sir. Every measure.
:'''Fletcher''': All right. Well, you better fucking hope your memory doesn't fail you. And I hope you play it a whole lot better than you did last month in rehearsal, because I do not intend to start losing now. Get your sticks and get your fucking ass onstage. ''[to band]'' Onstage!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Frank''': You got any friends, Andy?
:'''Andrew''': No.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Oh, why's that?
:'''Andrew''': I don't know, I just never really saw the use.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Well, who are you going to play with otherwise? [[John Lennon|Lennon]] and [[w:Paul McCartney|McCartney]], they were school buddies, am I right?
:'''Andrew''': [[Charlie Parker]] didn't know anybody 'til [[w:Jo Jones |Jo Jones]] threw a cymbal at his head.
:'''Uncle Frank''': So that's your idea of success, huh?
:'''Andrew''': I think being the greatest musician of the 20th century is anybody's idea of success.
:'''Jim''': Dying broke and drunk and full of heroin at the age of 34 is not exactly my idea of success.
:'''Andrew''': I'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remembered who I was.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Ah, but your friends will remember you, that's the point.
:'''Andrew''': None of us were friends with Charlie Parker. ''That's'' the point.
:'''Uncle Frank''': Travis and Dustin? They have plenty of friends and plenty of purpose.
:'''Andrew''': I'm sure they'll make great school board presidents someday.
:'''Dustin''': Oh, that's what this is all about? You think you're better than us?
:'''Andrew''': You catch on quick. Are you in Model UN?
:'''Travis''': I got a reply for you, Andrew. You think Carleton football's a joke? Come play with us.
:'''Andrew''': Four words you will never hear from the NFL.
:'''Aunt Emma''': Who wants dessert?
:'''Jim''': Hear from Lincoln Center?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''': I'm just gonna lay it out there. This is why I don't think we should be together. And I've thought about it a lot and this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna keep pursuing what I'm pursuing. And because I'm doing that, it's gonna take up more and more of my time. And I'm not gonna be able to spend as much time with you. And when I do spend time with you, I'm gonna be thinking about drumming. And I'm gonna be thinking about jazz music, my charts, all that. And because of that, you're gonna start to resent me. And you're gonna tell me to ease up on the drumming, spend more time with you because you're not feeling important. And I'm not gonna be able to do that. And really, I'm gonna start to resent you for even asking me to stop drumming. And we're just gonna start to hate each other. And it's gonna get very... It's gonna be ugly. And so for those reasons, I'd rather just, you know, break it off clean... because I wanna be great.
:'''Nicole''': And you're not?
:'''Andrew''': I wanna be one of the greats.
:'''Nicole''': And I would stop you from doing that?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Nicole''': You know I would stop you from doing that. You know, for a fact?
:'''Andrew''': Yes.
:'''Nicole''': And I'd barely see you anyway?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Nicole''': And when I do see you, you'd treat me like shit because I'm just some girl who doesn't know what she wants. And you have a path, and you're gonna be great, and I'm going to be forgotten, and therefore you won't be able to give me the time of day because you have bigger things to pursue?
:'''Andrew''': That's exactly my point.
:'''Nicole''': What the fuck is wrong with you? You're right, we should not be dating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andrew''': Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late.
:'''Fletcher''': Well, glad you could fit us into your busy schedule, darling. 
:'''Andrew''': I know. Look, I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm here. I'm ready to go.
:'''Fletcher''': Connolly's playing the part.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, like ''fucking hell'' he's playing my part.
:'''Fletcher''': What the fuck did you just say to me?
:'''Andrew''': It's my part.
:'''Fletcher''': It's my part and I decide who to lend it to. Usually it's somebody that has fucking sticks.
:''[Andrew realizes he left his drumsticks behind]''
:'''Andrew''': I left them in the car, I'll be right back. Take me five minutes.
:'''Fletcher''': I'm warming up the band now.
:'''Andrew''': Look, I can use Ryan's sticks.
:'''Fletcher''': Neiman, you lost the fucking part.
:'''Andrew''': No, I didn't! Look, you can't fucking do this to me!
:'''Fletcher''': ''''CAN'T''''?!
:'''Andrew''': Yeah!
:'''Fletcher''': When did you become a fucking expert on what I can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shitsack?
:'''Andrew''': I earned that part.
:'''Fletcher''': You never ''earned'' anything. God, you are a self-righteous prick. The only reason you are a core is because you misplaced a folder. The only reason you're in Studio Band to begin with is because I told you ''exactly'' what I'd be asking for in Nassau! Am I wrong?
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, yeah. I'm in studio band because I'm the best player...
:'''Ryan''': ''[interrupts]'' Hey, why don't you just back off, bro?
:'''Andrew''': Hey, you know, fuck off, Johnny Utah! Turn my pages, '''bitch!'''
:'''Fletcher''': Hey, I can cut you any fucking time I want.
:'''Andrew''': You would've cut me by now.
:'''Fletcher''': Try me, you fucking weasel! At 5:30, that's in exactly eleven minutes, my band is onstage. If your ass is not on that stool with your own fucking sticks in hand or you make ONE FUCKING MISTAKE, ''ONE'', I will drum your ass back to Nassau where you can turn pages until you graduate or fucking drop out! By the time you're done at Shaffer, you're gonna make Daddy look like a fucking success story! Got it? ''Or'', we can let Johnny Utah play the part. You choose.
:'''Andrew''': It's my part, I'll be on your stage. ''[to Connelly]'' Fuck you. ''[runs to get his sticks]''
:'''Fletcher''': You got ten minutes you fucking pathetic pansy-ass fruit-fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawyer''': Does the name Sean Casey mean anything to you? You know of his death? Last month, he hanged himself in his apartment.
:'''Andrew''': What does that have to do with me?
:'''Lawyer''': Sean suffered from anxiety and depression. His mother claims this started during his time as Fletcher's student. Now, the Casey's aren't wealthy, they don't want to file suit.
:'''Andrew''': So, what do they want?
:'''Lawyer''': To make sure that Terence Fletcher is never allowed to do this to another student.
:'''Andrew''': He didn't do anything.
:'''Jim''': What is wrong with you? It's over, okay? He's out of your life. Why would you let him get away with what he did to you?
:'''Lawyer''': Would you characterize his conduct as extreme, Andrew? Did he ever intentionally inflict emotional distress? This would not be a public hearing, you know. Fletcher would never know it was you who spoke up.
:'''Andrew''': Why would you do this to me?
:'''Jim''': Do you think that I would let him put my son through hell, and then just walk away scot-free? Don't you know I would never let that happen? That there is nothing in the world more important to me than you? Don't you know that?
:'''Lawyer''': ''[long pause]'' Andrew?
:'''Andrew''': Just tell me what to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fletcher''': I don't know if you heard. I'm not at Shaffer anymore.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah, I did hear that. Did you quit?
:'''Fletcher''': Not exactly. Some parents got a kid from Sean Casey's year, I think, to say some things about me. Although why anybody would have anything other than peaches and cream to say anything about me is a mystery. ''[Andrew chuckles]'' That's a good laugh, right?
:'''Andrew''': I'm sorry.
:'''Fletcher''': No, listen-- I get it. I know I made enemies. I'm conducting a little, though. They brought back the JVC Fest this year. They got me opening in a couple weeks with a pro band.
:'''Andrew''': That's great.
:'''Fletcher''': Yeah. It's all right. Truth is, I don't think people understood what it was I was doing at Shaffer. I wasn't there to conduct. Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to ''push'' people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is... an ''absolute'' necessity. Otherwise, we're depriving the world of the next [[Louis Armstrong]]. The next [[w:Charlie Parker|Charlie Parker]]. I told you that story about how Charlie Parker ''became'' Charlie Parker, right?
:'''Andrew''': [[w:Jo Jones|Jo Jones]] threw a cymbal at his head.
:'''Fletcher''': Exactly. Parker's a young kid, pretty good on the sax. Gets up to play at a cutting session, and he fucks it up. And Jones nearly decapitates him for it. And he's laughed off-stage. Cries himself to sleep that night, but the next morning, what does he do? He practices. And he practices and he practices with one goal in mind: never to be laughed at again. And a year later, he goes back to the Reno and he steps up on that stage, and plays the best motherfucking solo the world has ever heard. So imagine if Jones had just said, &quot;Well, that's okay, Charlie. That was all right. Good job.&quot; And then Charlie thinks to himself, &quot;Well, shit, I did do a pretty good job.&quot; End of story. No Bird. That, to me, is an absolute tragedy. But that's just what the world wants now. People wonder why jazz is dying. I tell you, man, and every Starbucks &quot;jazz&quot; album just proves my point, really - there are no two words in the English language more harmful than &quot;good job&quot;.
:'''Andrew''': ''[pause]'' But is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far, and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming Charlie Parker?
:'''Fletcher''': No, man, no. Because the next Charlie Parker would never ''be'' discouraged.
:'''Andrew''': Yeah.
:'''Fletcher''': The truth is, Andrew, I never really had a Charlie Parker. But I tried. I ''actually'' fucking tried, and that's more than most people ever do. And I will ''never'' apologize for how I tried.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Miles Teller|Miles Teller]] - Andrew Neiman
* [[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Terence Fletcher 
* [[w:Paul Reiser|Paul Reiser]] - Jim Neiman
* [[w:Melissa Benoist|Melissa Benoist]] - Nicole
* [[w:Austin Stowell|Austin Stowell]] - Ryan
* [[w:Jayson Blair (actor)|Jayson Blair]] - Travis
* [[w:Kavita Patil|Kavita Patil]] - Sophie
* [[w:Michael Cohen (actor)|Michael Cohen]] - Stagehand Dunellen
* [[w:Kofi Siriboe|Kofi Siriboe]] - Greg
* [[w:Chris Mulkey|Chris Mulkey]] - Uncle Frank

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=2582802|title=Whiplash}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=whiplash_2014|title=Whiplash}} &lt;br /&gt;
* [http://www.fletcherquote.com Whiplash] quotes at [http://www.fletcherquote.com FletcherQuote]

[[Category:2014 films]] 
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Sundance Film Festival award winners]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Jazz films]]
[[Category:Films about educators]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>SamuraiMaster</username>
        <id>19704</id>
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      <comment>/* &quot;Doomsday&quot; [8.11] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="33821" sha1="mk0cglxpca690f0rzlu4u3ssk7wk3eu" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole! 
:'''Manager''': You snuck in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... oh, yeah. ''[he and Beavis leave]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Being a werewolf hurts my bones. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
:'''Beavis''': AAH! '''I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!'''
:'''Coach Buzzcut''' ''[struggling to restrain Beavis]'': You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say &quot;trackball&quot; again?
:'''Woman on Phone''': Track... ball...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! It's funny, right? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;power drain.&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Right, well liking them with kindness. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, which are fired only in self defense. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'', but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. ''[flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out! 
:'''Butt-head''': Wank...
:'''Beavis''': I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; Now hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look! His hands! He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. ''[Martin reaches for a burger]'' No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Burger World CEO''': Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. ''Not'' Burger World.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:''[they slowly walk away]''
:'''Assistant''': Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
:'''Burger World CEO''': Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. ''[some customers are grossed out]'' It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
:'''Lawyer''': Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
:'''Manager''': So what?
:'''Lawyer''': These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
:'''Manager''': Oh, really?
:'''Lawyer''': Yeah, it's the ''law''.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': The law rules.
:'''Manager''': Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
:'''Angry Woman''': Can we get our order now?!
:'''Angry Man''': We've been waiting for a long time here!
:'''Angry Woman''': Ugh, come on already!
:'''Manager''': Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the law!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[setting the rat near the ingredients]'' There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and orders]''
:'''Lady''': Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': ''[at the fry station]'' Alright boy, come on, step aside. ''[gets fries]'' Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;long.&quot;
:''[Beavis gives the lady her order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. ''[the rat appears]'' Aww... It looks like we have some company.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns, too.
:'''Lady''': I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys try to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all. 
:''[the rat has given birth to rat pups]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|oil spill]] is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. ''[Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class]'' Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, chicks?
:'''Beavis''': I'm listening.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just ''filthy''.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Filthy chicks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Filthy chicks!
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. Count me in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
:'''Van Driessen''': Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Filthy chicks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
:'''Maya''': When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
:'''News Anchor''': Mmmm...
:'''Maya''': I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
:'''News Anchor''': Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
:'''Maya''': The baby birds.
:'''News Anchor''': Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
:'''Beavis''': So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''News Anchor''': That is an ''inspiring'' sentiment. We are ''all'' going to do it. We are ''all'' going to do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Get in line, dude.
:'''News Anchor''': Back to you, Geena.

==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Officer''': ''[knocking frantically on the door]'' Everyone out!  This is an emergency evacuation!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, what's going on out there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;head of household.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what does &quot;apopalyptic&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! DOes that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Let's go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this will be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]''
:'''Butt-head''': Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. ''[seeing an open register full of money]'' Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': We can just like, take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The acapolypse is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
:''[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]'' 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
:'''Beavis''': ''[picks up an urn]'' Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
:'''Beavis''': You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? ''[drops the urn, and it spills]'' That's disgusting! No reason for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, hey baby.
:'''Beavis''': How's it going?
:'''Woman''': You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
:'''Butt-head''': You have no choice.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Beavis''': You know, it really is uplifting.
:'''Butt-Head''': Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and life.
:'''Beavis''': And they also learn what human butt tastes like! Hehehe, mmm, yeah! I mean, at least two of them do.
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, uh-huh-huh-huh. That's uplifting!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uhh. We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-Head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. Mmmkay.
:'''Butt-Head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation!
:'''Butt-Head''': You're going to hell!

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, '''BUTT-HEAD'''?
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?'''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool.
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes. But let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BEAVIS?'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-Head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza at the dealer's face, who makes a &quot;what?&quot; expression and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, dude, settle down. We'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and we're in…ow!
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head have built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying &quot;Back in 30 minutes&quot;]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

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      <comment>/* &quot;Dumb Design&quot; [8.12] */</comment>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole! 
:'''Manager''': You snuck in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... oh, yeah. ''[he and Beavis leave]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Being a werewolf hurts my bones. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
:'''Beavis''': AAH! '''I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!'''
:'''Coach Buzzcut''' ''[struggling to restrain Beavis]'': You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say &quot;trackball&quot; again?
:'''Woman on Phone''': Track... ball...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! It's funny, right? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;power drain.&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Right, well liking them with kindness. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, which are fired only in self defense. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'', but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. ''[flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out! 
:'''Butt-head''': Wank...
:'''Beavis''': I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; Now hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look! His hands! He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. ''[Martin reaches for a burger]'' No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Burger World CEO''': Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. ''Not'' Burger World.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:''[they slowly walk away]''
:'''Assistant''': Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
:'''Burger World CEO''': Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. ''[some customers are grossed out]'' It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
:'''Lawyer''': Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
:'''Manager''': So what?
:'''Lawyer''': These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
:'''Manager''': Oh, really?
:'''Lawyer''': Yeah, it's the ''law''.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': The law rules.
:'''Manager''': Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
:'''Angry Woman''': Can we get our order now?!
:'''Angry Man''': We've been waiting for a long time here!
:'''Angry Woman''': Ugh, come on already!
:'''Manager''': Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the law!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[setting the rat near the ingredients]'' There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and orders]''
:'''Lady''': Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': ''[at the fry station]'' Alright boy, come on, step aside. ''[gets fries]'' Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;long.&quot;
:''[Beavis gives the lady her order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. ''[the rat appears]'' Aww... It looks like we have some company.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns, too.
:'''Lady''': I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys try to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all. 
:''[the rat has given birth to rat pups]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|oil spill]] is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. ''[Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class]'' Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, chicks?
:'''Beavis''': I'm listening.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just ''filthy''.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Filthy chicks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Filthy chicks!
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. Count me in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
:'''Van Driessen''': Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Filthy chicks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
:'''Maya''': When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
:'''News Anchor''': Mmmm...
:'''Maya''': I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
:'''News Anchor''': Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
:'''Maya''': The baby birds.
:'''News Anchor''': Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
:'''Beavis''': So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''News Anchor''': That is an ''inspiring'' sentiment. We are ''all'' going to do it. We are ''all'' going to do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Get in line, dude.
:'''News Anchor''': Back to you, Geena.

==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Officer''': ''[knocking frantically on the door]'' Everyone out!  This is an emergency evacuation!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, what's going on out there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;head of household.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what does &quot;apopalyptic&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! DOes that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Let's go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this will be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]''
:'''Butt-head''': Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. ''[seeing an open register full of money]'' Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': We can just like, take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The acapolypse is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
:''[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]'' 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
:'''Beavis''': ''[picks up an urn]'' Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
:'''Beavis''': You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? ''[drops the urn, and it spills]'' That's disgusting! No reason for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, hey baby.
:'''Beavis''': How's it going?
:'''Woman''': You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
:'''Butt-head''': You have no choice.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Max''': Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no.
:'''Beavis''': I-I never could understand that crap. 
:'''Max's Son''': It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. ''[fist bumps his dad]''
:'''Max''': Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
:'''Positive Acting Teens''': Yaaay!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
:'''Positive Acting Teen''': That's right.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Van Driessen''': The [[w:Pythagorean Theorem|Pythagorean Theorem]] can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! ''[they get up to leave]''
:'''Butt-head''': You're going to hell.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! You're ''definitely'' going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
:'''Butt-head''': To each his own.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Biology Teacher''': So, thank so Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
:''[the class cheers]''
:'''Butt-head''': We're popular.
:'''Beavis''': That's us.
:'''Biology Teacher''': Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. ''[pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design]'' I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy...
:'''Butt-head''': I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, '''BUTT-HEAD'''?
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?'''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool.
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes. But let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BEAVIS?'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-Head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza at the dealer's face, who makes a &quot;what?&quot; expression and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, dude, settle down. We'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and we're in…ow!
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head have built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying &quot;Back in 30 minutes&quot;]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole! 
:'''Manager''': You snuck in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... oh, yeah. ''[he and Beavis leave]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Being a werewolf hurts my bones. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
:'''Beavis''': AAH! '''I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!'''
:'''Coach Buzzcut''' ''[struggling to restrain Beavis]'': You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say &quot;trackball&quot; again?
:'''Woman on Phone''': Track... ball...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! It's funny, right? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;power drain.&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Right, well liking them with kindness. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, which are fired only in self defense. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'', but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. ''[flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out! 
:'''Butt-head''': Wank...
:'''Beavis''': I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; Now hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look! His hands! He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. ''[Martin reaches for a burger]'' No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Burger World CEO''': Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. ''Not'' Burger World.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:''[they slowly walk away]''
:'''Assistant''': Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
:'''Burger World CEO''': Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. ''[some customers are grossed out]'' It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
:'''Lawyer''': Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
:'''Manager''': So what?
:'''Lawyer''': These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
:'''Manager''': Oh, really?
:'''Lawyer''': Yeah, it's the ''law''.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': The law rules.
:'''Manager''': Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
:'''Angry Woman''': Can we get our order now?!
:'''Angry Man''': We've been waiting for a long time here!
:'''Angry Woman''': Ugh, come on already!
:'''Manager''': Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the law!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[setting the rat near the ingredients]'' There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and orders]''
:'''Lady''': Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': ''[at the fry station]'' Alright boy, come on, step aside. ''[gets fries]'' Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;long.&quot;
:''[Beavis gives the lady her order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. ''[the rat appears]'' Aww... It looks like we have some company.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns, too.
:'''Lady''': I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys try to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all. 
:''[the rat has given birth to rat pups]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|oil spill]] is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. ''[Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class]'' Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, chicks?
:'''Beavis''': I'm listening.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just ''filthy''.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Filthy chicks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Filthy chicks!
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. Count me in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
:'''Van Driessen''': Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Filthy chicks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
:'''Maya''': When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
:'''News Anchor''': Mmmm...
:'''Maya''': I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
:'''News Anchor''': Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
:'''Maya''': The baby birds.
:'''News Anchor''': Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
:'''Beavis''': So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''News Anchor''': That is an ''inspiring'' sentiment. We are ''all'' going to do it. We are ''all'' going to do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Get in line, dude.
:'''News Anchor''': Back to you, Geena.

==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Officer''': ''[knocking frantically on the door]'' Everyone out!  This is an emergency evacuation!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, what's going on out there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;head of household.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what does &quot;apopalyptic&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! DOes that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Let's go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this will be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]''
:'''Butt-head''': Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. ''[seeing an open register full of money]'' Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': We can just like, take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The acapolypse is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
:''[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]'' 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
:'''Beavis''': ''[picks up an urn]'' Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
:'''Beavis''': You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? ''[drops the urn, and it spills]'' That's disgusting! No reason for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, hey baby.
:'''Beavis''': How's it going?
:'''Woman''': You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
:'''Butt-head''': You have no choice.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Max''': Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no.
:'''Beavis''': I-I never could understand that crap. 
:'''Max's Son''': It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. ''[fist bumps his dad]''
:'''Max''': Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
:'''Positive Acting Teens''': Yaaay!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
:'''Positive Acting Teen''': That's right.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Van Driessen''': The [[w:Pythagorean Theorem|Pythagorean Theorem]] can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! ''[they get up to leave]''
:'''Butt-head''': You're going to hell.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! You're ''definitely'' going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
:'''Butt-head''': To each his own.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Biology Teacher''': So, thank so Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
:''[the class cheers]''
:'''Butt-head''': We're popular.
:'''Beavis''': That's us.
:'''Biology Teacher''': Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. ''[pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design]'' I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy...
:'''Butt-head''': I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!'''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool!
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes, but let me be clear. You will ''only'' copy the worksheet. You will ''not'' copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': So, do not copy my butt?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SAY IT AGAIN.'''
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as he photocopies the worksheet; slowly getting entranced by the copy machine]'' Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. ''[getting more entranced]'' Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt- my butt- my butt- my butt-
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza at the dealer's face, who makes a &quot;what?&quot; expression and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, dude, settle down. We'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and we're in…ow!
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head have built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying &quot;Back in 30 minutes&quot;]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3607377</id>
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      <comment>/* &quot;Holding&quot; [8.14] */</comment>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole! 
:'''Manager''': You snuck in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... oh, yeah. ''[he and Beavis leave]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Being a werewolf hurts my bones. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
:'''Beavis''': AAH! '''I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!'''
:'''Coach Buzzcut''' ''[struggling to restrain Beavis]'': You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say &quot;trackball&quot; again?
:'''Woman on Phone''': Track... ball...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! It's funny, right? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;power drain.&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Right, well liking them with kindness. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, which are fired only in self defense. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'', but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. ''[flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out! 
:'''Butt-head''': Wank...
:'''Beavis''': I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; Now hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look! His hands! He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. ''[Martin reaches for a burger]'' No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Burger World CEO''': Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. ''Not'' Burger World.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:''[they slowly walk away]''
:'''Assistant''': Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
:'''Burger World CEO''': Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. ''[some customers are grossed out]'' It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
:'''Lawyer''': Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
:'''Manager''': So what?
:'''Lawyer''': These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
:'''Manager''': Oh, really?
:'''Lawyer''': Yeah, it's the ''law''.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': The law rules.
:'''Manager''': Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
:'''Angry Woman''': Can we get our order now?!
:'''Angry Man''': We've been waiting for a long time here!
:'''Angry Woman''': Ugh, come on already!
:'''Manager''': Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the law!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[setting the rat near the ingredients]'' There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and orders]''
:'''Lady''': Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': ''[at the fry station]'' Alright boy, come on, step aside. ''[gets fries]'' Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;long.&quot;
:''[Beavis gives the lady her order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. ''[the rat appears]'' Aww... It looks like we have some company.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns, too.
:'''Lady''': I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys try to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all. 
:''[the rat has given birth to rat pups]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|oil spill]] is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. ''[Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class]'' Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, chicks?
:'''Beavis''': I'm listening.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just ''filthy''.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Filthy chicks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Filthy chicks!
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. Count me in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
:'''Van Driessen''': Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Filthy chicks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
:'''Maya''': When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
:'''News Anchor''': Mmmm...
:'''Maya''': I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
:'''News Anchor''': Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
:'''Maya''': The baby birds.
:'''News Anchor''': Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
:'''Beavis''': So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''News Anchor''': That is an ''inspiring'' sentiment. We are ''all'' going to do it. We are ''all'' going to do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Get in line, dude.
:'''News Anchor''': Back to you, Geena.

==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Officer''': ''[knocking frantically on the door]'' Everyone out!  This is an emergency evacuation!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, what's going on out there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;head of household.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what does &quot;apopalyptic&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! DOes that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Let's go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this will be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]''
:'''Butt-head''': Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. ''[seeing an open register full of money]'' Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': We can just like, take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The acapolypse is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
:''[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]'' 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
:'''Beavis''': ''[picks up an urn]'' Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
:'''Beavis''': You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? ''[drops the urn, and it spills]'' That's disgusting! No reason for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, hey baby.
:'''Beavis''': How's it going?
:'''Woman''': You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
:'''Butt-head''': You have no choice.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Max''': Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no.
:'''Beavis''': I-I never could understand that crap. 
:'''Max's Son''': It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. ''[fist bumps his dad]''
:'''Max''': Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
:'''Positive Acting Teens''': Yaaay!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
:'''Positive Acting Teen''': That's right.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Van Driessen''': The [[w:Pythagorean Theorem|Pythagorean Theorem]] can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! ''[they get up to leave]''
:'''Butt-head''': You're going to hell.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! You're ''definitely'' going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
:'''Butt-head''': To each his own.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Biology Teacher''': So, thank so Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
:''[the class cheers]''
:'''Butt-head''': We're popular.
:'''Beavis''': That's us.
:'''Biology Teacher''': Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. ''[pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design]'' I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy...
:'''Butt-head''': I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!'''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool!
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes, but let me be clear. You will ''only'' copy the worksheet. You will ''not'' copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': So, do not copy my butt?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SAY IT AGAIN.'''
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as he photocopies the worksheet; slowly getting entranced by the copy machine]'' Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. ''[getting more entranced]'' Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt- my butt- my butt- my butt-
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
:'''Sapphire''': Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.
:'''Crystal''': Hang on, I think I see just what we need. ''[notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink]'' That guy is tweaking for sure! ''[approaches the boys]'' Are you holding, sugar?
:'''Beavis''': Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.
:'''Crystal''': That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you do?
:'''Beavis''': I am holding.
:'''Crystal''': I need you to come with me though, is that alright?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Crystal''': Great. ''[they approach the van]'' Just get in the van.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?
:'''Crystal''': Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crystal''': Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Gary''': Yes! The stars of the party are here!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!
:'''Gary''': Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?
:'''Tim''': I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.
:'''Gary''': And I told ''you'' we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.
:'''Gary's Mom''': ''[knocking on the door]'' Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?
:'''Gary''': Nothing, Ma!
:'''Gary's Mom''': Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?
:'''Gary''': '''SHUT UP!!!''' ''[locks the door]'' Man... ''[laughs jovially]'' I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, I don't show my &quot;white dragon&quot; to dudes. Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.
:'''Sapphire''': Come on, guys, break out the stuff!
:'''Tim''': Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.
:'''Crystal''': Break out the drugs!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.
:'''Gary''': No drugs?
:'''Tim''': ''And'' no router???
:'''Gary''': I thought you said you found someone!
:'''Sapphire''': She probably did it all behind our backs!

==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza at the dealer's face, who makes a &quot;what?&quot; expression and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, dude, settle down. We'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and we're in…ow!
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head have built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying &quot;Back in 30 minutes&quot;]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. '''[[w:List of Beavis and Butt-head episodes#Season 8 (2011)|Season eight]]''' originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==&quot;[[w:Werewolves of Highland|Werewolves of Highland]]&quot; [8.01]==
:[''As girls in a movie theater are struck by a ''[[Twilight (2008 film)|Twilight]]'' love scene'']
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; Well this isn't very good.
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''' So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
:'''Girl''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh! Quiet!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Ehh, sorry, sorry.
:'''Movie Vampire''':&amp;nbsp; I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.&amp;nbsp; And then I will still love you.&amp;nbsp; And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
:[''more reactions from the girls in the theater'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; How come everyone whispers in these movies?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; They're probably embarrassed.&amp;nbsp;  What do you think?
:'''Girls''':&amp;nbsp; Shhh!&amp;nbsp;  Shut up!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh sorry.&amp;nbsp;  Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
:'''Woman''': ''[punches him]'' Oh my god, I said shut up!
:''[the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]''
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, we want our money back, butthole! 
:'''Manager''': You snuck in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... oh, yeah. ''[he and Beavis leave]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf'']&amp;nbsp; Women?&amp;nbsp; Let me tell you something about women.&amp;nbsp; They're all right.&amp;nbsp; They're ''fiiiine'' when they don't know what's happening.&amp;nbsp;  I don't think you no listening to me!&amp;nbsp; No listen to me!&amp;nbsp; You no listen to me!!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom.&amp;nbsp;  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah me too.
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; You got a dollar?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, we have gum.&amp;nbsp; [''offers gum'']
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; Ah, like me gum!&amp;nbsp; [''ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''amongst saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; Cool!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''also saying &quot;ow&quot;'']&amp;nbsp; You don't have to go crazy!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Okay that's enough!
:'''Henry''':&amp;nbsp; [''drops both boys'']&amp;nbsp; Ahhh, like me gum!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''getting up and limping away'']&amp;nbsp; Dammit, that hurt.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It'll be worth it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Being a werewolf hurts my bones. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

==&quot;[[w:Crying (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Crying]]&quot; [8.02]==
:[''after Beavis has sniffed an onion'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Whoa!&amp;nbsp; You're crying!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; What, no I'm not!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're crying like a girl!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; No way!&amp;nbsp;  I am not!&amp;nbsp; Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; You're moved.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I am not moved!&amp;nbsp; Shut up!&amp;nbsp; I don't know what it is.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This is amazing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
:''[the scene cuts to school]''
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
:'''Beavis''': Cut it off, Butt-Head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
:'''Beavis''': No, I wasn't!
:'''Mr. Van Driessen''': It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Beavis was touched.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!'''
:''[the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]''
:'''Stewart''': Hey guys, what's up?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
:'''Beavis''': ''SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.''
:'''Stewart''': No, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING!''' I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... attention everyone. ''[everyone looks at him]'' Beavis was crying.
:'''Beavis''': '''DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING'''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
:'''Beavis''': AAH! '''I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!'''
:'''Coach Buzzcut''' ''[struggling to restrain Beavis]'': You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.

==&quot;[[w:Daughter's Hand|Daughter's Hand]]&quot; [8.03]==
:'''Tom Anderson''': ''[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn]'' Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, can you like, shut up?
:'''Tom Anderson''': Say what?!
:'''Butt-head''': We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's [[w:Handjob|hand]].
:'''Tom Anderson''': Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, right here!
:'''Beavis''': Me. Yeah, me!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
:'''Tom Anderson''': Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Tom Anderson''': Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
:'''Butt-head''': He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. ''[As they walk back to the house]'' Boing!
:'''Tom Anderson''': Ah, young love.

==&quot;[[w:Tech Support (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Tech Support]]&quot; [8.04]==
:'''Man on Phone''': Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do people  ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
:'''Man on Phone''': What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Yes, do you see what they are saying?
:'''Supervisor''': Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
:'''Beavis''': I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
:'''Supervisor''': You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say &quot;trackball&quot; again?
:'''Woman on Phone''': Track... ball...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': Hey guys, this guy, he say &quot;Microsoft!&quot; Heh-heh! It's funny, right? &quot;Micro-soft?&quot; Eh-heh-heh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, not bad, Hamid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hamid''': He said &quot;power drain.&quot; Heh-heh-heh...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
:'''Hamid''': Yes, but I am trying.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand your frustration.

==&quot;[[w:Drones (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Drones]]&quot; [8.05]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Right, well liking them with kindness. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, which are fired only in self defense. 
:'''Lieutenant Decker''': Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. 
:'''Van Driessen''': Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[reading the sign]'' Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Are these video games?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. ''[the sound beeps]'' Well, check it out. I think this is ''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'', but with airplanes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Where are the prostitutes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. ''[flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. ''[plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner]'' Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
:''[the duo fights with the remote]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out! 
:'''Butt-head''': Wank...
:'''Beavis''': I was here first. ''[pushes Butt-head to another seat]''
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! ''[the sound beeps]'' Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

==&quot;[[w:Holy Cornholio|Holy Cornholio]]&quot; [8.06]==
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver'']&amp;nbsp; Ahh!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''referring to the screw'']&amp;nbsp; It's in his butt.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; It hurts!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, I wouldn't know.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Uh, oh yeah!&amp;nbsp;  Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand!&amp;nbsp; Come on, get it out!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp;  He's bleeding!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Cool!&amp;nbsp; Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Come on, Butt-head, do something!&amp;nbsp; [''Butt-head grabs a power drill'']&amp;nbsp; AHH!&amp;nbsp; [''holds hand away'']
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Settle down, Beavis!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis looks unsure'']&amp;nbsp; Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.&amp;nbsp; Now hold still, dumbass!&amp;nbsp; [''Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together'']
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Cut it out, bunghole!!
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; [''panicking'']&amp;nbsp; OH MY GOD!&amp;nbsp;  
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
:'''Stewart''':&amp;nbsp; Oh my God!&amp;nbsp; Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Don't worry, Beavis.&amp;nbsp; It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah!&amp;nbsp; Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Male Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Are you threatening me?!&amp;nbsp; My bunghole will ask the questions!&amp;nbsp; &quot;Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?&quot;
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; The beloved always did like riddles.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; You will belove my bunghole!&amp;nbsp; For I am the great Cornholio!&amp;nbsp; I need T.P. for my bunghole!
:''[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]''
:'''Female Cult Member''':&amp;nbsp; Look! His hands! He has the [[w:Stigmata|stigmata]]!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

==&quot;[[w:Supersize Me (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Supersize Me]]&quot; [8.07]==
:''[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]''
:'''Van Driessen''': Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Van Driessen''': Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
:'''Boy''': So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
:'''Van Driessen''': No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
:'''Butt-head''': We're eating in front of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you can't have any.
:'''Van Driessen''': Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. ''[Martin reaches for a burger]'' No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, make a movie about us.
:'''Van Driessen''': The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': We didn't bring enough for everybody.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Burger World CEO''': Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. ''Not'' Burger World.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:''[they slowly walk away]''
:'''Assistant''': Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
:'''Burger World CEO''': Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

==&quot;[[w:Bathroom Break|Bathroom Break]]&quot; [8.08]==
:'''Manager''': Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
:'''Beavis''': We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
:'''Manager''': ''[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out]'' What are you two doing?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
:'''Manager''': They said you've been in there for a half hour!
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. ''[some customers are grossed out]'' It always does.
:'''Manager''': Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
:'''Lawyer''': Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
:'''Manager''': So what?
:'''Lawyer''': These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
:'''Manager''': Oh, really?
:'''Lawyer''': Yeah, it's the ''law''.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': The law rules.
:'''Manager''': Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
:'''Angry Woman''': Can we get our order now?!
:'''Angry Man''': We've been waiting for a long time here!
:'''Angry Woman''': Ugh, come on already!
:'''Manager''': Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the law!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the manager runs outside to urinate]''
:'''Police Officer''': Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
:'''Manager''': Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
:'''Manager''': No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
:'''Police Officer''': Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
:'''Manager''': Look, if you would just go... God!
:'''Police Officer''': And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.

==&quot;[[w:The Rat (Beavis and Butt-Head)|The Rat]]&quot; [8.09]==
:''[the boys are at Burger World with the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[setting the rat near the ingredients]'' There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
:''[a lady comes in and orders]''
:'''Lady''': Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, how are you today?
:'''Beavis''': ''[at the fry station]'' Alright boy, come on, step aside. ''[gets fries]'' Good boy, all yours.
:'''Lady''': Is it going to be long?
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;long.&quot;
:''[Beavis gives the lady her order]''
:'''Beavis''': Ah, here you go. ''[the rat appears]'' Aww... It looks like we have some company.
:'''Lady''': ''[screams]'' A RAT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He really likes fries.
:'''Beavis''': And he seems to like the buns, too.
:'''Lady''': I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the food here sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manager''': ''[comes in]'' What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
:'''Manager''': Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
:'''Beavis''': We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
:'''Manager''': Ok, where's the rat now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
:'''Manager''': It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. ''[leaves]''
:''[the boys try to look for the rat]''
:'''Beavis''': Here boy, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Here rat.
:'''Beavis''': Here boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all. 
:''[the rat has given birth to rat pups]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.

==&quot;[[w:Spill (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Spill]]&quot; [8.10]==
:'''Van Driessen''': Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|oil spill]] is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. ''[Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class]'' Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, chicks?
:'''Beavis''': I'm listening.
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just ''filthy''.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Filthy chicks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Filthy chicks!
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. Count me in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
:'''Van Driessen''': Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Filthy chicks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
:'''Maya''': When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
:'''News Anchor''': Mmmm...
:'''Maya''': I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
:'''News Anchor''': Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
:'''Maya''': The baby birds.
:'''News Anchor''': Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
:'''Beavis''': So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''News Anchor''': That is an ''inspiring'' sentiment. We are ''all'' going to do it. We are ''all'' going to do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Get in line, dude.
:'''News Anchor''': Back to you, Geena.

==&quot;[[w:Doomsday (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Doomsday]]&quot; [8.11]==
:'''Officer''': ''[knocking frantically on the door]'' Everyone out!  This is an emergency evacuation!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, what's going on out there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;head of household.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what does &quot;apopalyptic&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! DOes that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Let's go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this will be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]''
:'''Butt-head''': Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. ''[seeing an open register full of money]'' Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
:'''Butt-head''': We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': We can just like, take whatever we want.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm like full.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Let's go live at Stewart's house.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The acapolypse is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
:''[the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]'' 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
:'''Beavis''': ''[picks up an urn]'' Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
:'''Beavis''': You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? ''[drops the urn, and it spills]'' That's disgusting! No reason for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, hey baby.
:'''Beavis''': How's it going?
:'''Woman''': You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
:'''Butt-head''': You have no choice.

==&quot;[[w:Dumb Design|Dumb Design]]&quot; [8.12]==
:'''Max''': Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no.
:'''Beavis''': I-I never could understand that crap. 
:'''Max's Son''': It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. ''[fist bumps his dad]''
:'''Max''': Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
:'''Positive Acting Teens''': Yaaay!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
:'''Positive Acting Teen''': That's right.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Van Driessen''': The [[w:Pythagorean Theorem|Pythagorean Theorem]] can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Van Driessen''': Yes, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah.
:'''Van Driessen''': Uh, why not?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! That's right!
:'''Van Driessen''': This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
:'''Butt-head''': Tell that to the Lord.
:'''Beavis''': But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! ''[they get up to leave]''
:'''Butt-head''': You're going to hell.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! You're ''definitely'' going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
:'''Butt-head''': To each his own.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Biology Teacher''': So, thanks to Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
:''[the class cheers]''
:'''Butt-head''': We're popular.
:'''Beavis''': That's us.
:'''Biology Teacher''': Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. ''[pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design]'' I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy...
:'''Butt-head''': I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...

==&quot;[[w:Copy Machine|Copy Machine]]&quot; [8.13]==
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. '''DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!'''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, feel someone else?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SHUT UP!''' Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Cool!
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': Yes, but let me be clear. You will ''only'' copy the worksheet. You will ''not'' copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': So, do not copy my butt?
:'''Coach Buzzcut''': '''SAY IT AGAIN.'''
:'''Beavis''': Do not copy my butt!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as he photocopies the worksheet; slowly getting entranced by the copy machine]'' Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. ''[getting more entranced]'' Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt- my butt- my butt- my butt-
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:''[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]''
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': My butt!

==&quot;[[w:Holding (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Holding]]&quot; [8.14]==
:'''Sapphire''': Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.
:'''Crystal''': Hang on, I think I see just what we need. ''[notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink]'' That guy is tweaking for sure! ''[approaches the boys]'' Are you holding, sugar?
:'''Beavis''': Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.
:'''Crystal''': That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you do?
:'''Beavis''': I am holding.
:'''Crystal''': I need you to come with me though, is that alright?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Crystal''': Great. ''[they approach the van]'' Just get in the van.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?
:'''Crystal''': Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crystal''': Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.
:'''Gary''': Yes! The stars of the party are here!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!
:'''Gary''': Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?
:'''Tim''': I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.
:'''Gary''': And I told ''you'' we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.
:'''Gary's Mom''': ''[knocking on the door]'' Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?
:'''Gary''': Nothing, Ma!
:'''Gary's Mom''': Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?
:'''Gary''': '''SHUT UP!!!''' ''[locks the door]'' Man... ''[laughs jovially]'' I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, I don't show my &quot;white dragon&quot; to dudes. Sorry.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.
:'''Sapphire''': Come on, guys, break out the stuff!
:'''Tim''': Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.
:'''Crystal''': Break out the drugs!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.
:'''Gary''': No drugs?
:'''Tim''': ''And'' no router???
:'''Gary''': I thought you said you found someone!
:'''Sapphire''': She probably did it all behind our backs!

==&quot;[[w:Used Car|Used Car]]&quot; [8.15]==
:'''Hamid''': ''[After returning from test drive when Beavis and Butthead crashed a used car]'' Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
:'''Dealer''': I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no way!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We want a fresh one. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you for $1000 to take the new one. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one, look at it you know.
:'''Dealer''': Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You're gonna buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, we don't have licenses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, OR insurance company.
:'''Dealer''': ''[to Hamid]'' You didn't get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-Head, check it out. Pizza face! ''[throws the pizza at the dealer's face, who makes a &quot;what?&quot; expression and gets angry]''
:'''Butt-Head''': You missed.
:'''Dealer''': Why you!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, cut it out!
:'''Butt-Head''': Okay, dude, settle down. We'll take $500,000 for it.
:'''Beavis''': Drive the hard bargain and we're in…ow!
:'''Butt-Head''': Don't make me kick your ass ...

==&quot;[[w:Bounty Hunters (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Bounty Hunters]]&quot; [8.16]==
==&quot;[[w:Time Machine (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Time Machine]]&quot; [8.17]==
:'''Beavis''': I hope we get to see some dinosaurs.
:'''Butt-Head''': You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.

==&quot;[[w:Massage (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Massage]]&quot; [8.18]==
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head have built their own massage stand in order to touch women]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
:''[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]''
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[looks at the sign saying &quot;Back in 30 minutes&quot;]'' Whoa! Hey, Beavis, look. They're gone. This is our chance. Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Um, now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing? That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.
:'''Butt-Head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. ''[a lady comes]'' Whoa.
:'''Women''': ''[sighs]'' I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
:''[Butt-Head gets ready to massage a girl, but the workers show up angrily and pushes him away]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[angrily]'' &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
:'''Massage Worker''': Okay, you two now massagers.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, really?
:''[a fat customer shows up]''
:'''Fat Man''': Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate.
:''[a lady leaves]''
:'''Massage Worker''': ''[points at the fat man's back and tells the boys to massage him]'' &lt;big&gt;'''GET TO WORK!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, let's get out of here. ''[he and Beavis leave until a security guard and an angry man show up]''
:'''Security Guard''': Hold on. ''[stops the boys from escaping]'' Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
:'''Massage Worker''': They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, no thanks.
:'''Security Guard''': The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
:'''Massage Worker''': Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
:''[the cops show up]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
:'''Fat Man''': Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. ''[the massage workers make the boys massage him]'' Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
:''[the security guard and the cops might arrest them]''
:'''Beavis''': Well, he does have boobs.

==&quot;[[w:School Test|School Test]]&quot; [8.19]==
:'''Principal McVicker''':&amp;nbsp; You two are the worst students in this school has ever had.&amp;nbsp; And now because of that [[w:No Child Left Behind Act|No Child Left Behind]] law, we may lose our funding!&amp;nbsp; Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…did you say something about a child's behind?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind!&amp;nbsp; I heard him!
:'''Butt-Head''':&amp;nbsp; No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Butt-Head''': ''[as teachers are giving their lectures]'' Whoa! I just got something! 
:''[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]''
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two pencil! Number two.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Butt-Head''': Number two.
:''[As Beavis and Butt-head laugh to their stupid joke, the teachers shake their heads in hopelessness and walk out of the room.]''
:'''Beavis''': It's a poop pencil!

==&quot;[[w:Snitchers|Snitchers]]&quot; [8.20]==
==&quot;[[w:Whorehouse (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Whorehouse]]&quot; [8.21]==
==&quot;[[w:Going Down (Beavis and Butt-Head)|Going Down]]&quot; [8.22]==
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
:'''Lady''': ''[comes in]'' Oh, yeah. P2 please.
:'''Elevator Announcer''': P2, going down.
:''[after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]''

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==See also==
*''[[Daria]]''
==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==MTV Programming==
===''Cuff'd''===
:'''John''': You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
:'''Roger''': His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not ''that'' dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, &quot;Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roger''': You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
:'''Beavis''': Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?! 
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are just so cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.

===''[[w:Ghosted: Love Gone Missing|Ghosted: Love Gone Missing]]''===
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this better be good.
:'''Beavis''': We gotta pay attention.
:'''Dante''': The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
:'''Giovanna''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... what?
:'''Beavis''': Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that can't be right.
:'''Dante''': You're like a fucking rabbit.
:'''Beavis''': Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! ''[With eyes bugging out]'' He's a lousy sonofabitch!
:'''Butt-head''': He sure is.
:'''Beavis''': How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
:'''Butt-head''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Dante''': ...multiple times a day, every day.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
:'''Butt-head''': Exactly.
:'''Beavis''': You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
:'''Butt-head''': For once, I'm not gonna say, &quot;settle down, Beavis.&quot; You're absolutely right.
:'''Beavis''': I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! ''[He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage]'' Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[kicking the TV into oblivion]'' Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
:'''Beavis''': ''[bashing the TV with the rock]'' You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! ''[Finished, he walks back to the couch]'' Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's how you take care of that.
:'''Beavis''': That'll teach him a lesson.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': We don't have a TV anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um... why not? ''[realizing]'' Oh, yeah.

===''[[w:How Far is Tattoo Far?|How Far is Tattoo Far?]]''===
:'''[[w:Nico Tortella|Nico Tortella]]''': ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did ''not'' come to play...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;But he did ''nooot'' come to play.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': What is this anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... Diarrhea?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
:'''Beavis''': You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
:''[the tattoo reads &quot;Will you marry me?!&quot;]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this also says &quot;diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now ''that'' looks like diarrhea, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as someone begins to propose]'' Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, &quot;Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, &quot;Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Through diarrhea and health.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I do-doo.&quot;

===''[[Jersey Shore]]''===
:'''[[w:JWoww|Jenni Jwoww]]''':&amp;nbsp; When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, &quot;Oh, where'd you make pizza?&quot;&amp;nbsp; Bitch, I made it in Florence!&amp;nbsp; That's where I made pizza!
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; So she's gonna call her grandkids &quot;bitch&quot;?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Please don't hit us again.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!&quot;

&lt;hr width=/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vinny Guadagnino|Vinny]]''': She ''loves'' hot salami!
:'''[[w:Snooki|Snooki]]''': Vinny,  shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[annoyed]'' Yeah yeah,  she loves hot salami, see he means schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating the Italian cook]'' You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Deena Nicole Cortese|Deena]]''':  I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronnie Ortiz-Magro|Ronnie]]''': Go!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
:'''Butt-head''': You're wasting all our time!
:'''Beavis''': What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': Space means,  like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys. 
:'''Butt-head''': Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So is Snooki a Gorilla?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': ... I have to poop. 
:'''Butt-head''': Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
:'''Beavis''': And if so, where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': What I would ''love'' to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on [[w:Match.com|Match.com]] again.
:'''Manager''': Start to work faster!
:'''Butt-head''': She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
:'''Beavis''': He was like, &quot;I have all these qualities.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Snooki is arrested]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
:'''Snooki''': ''[sobbing]'' Is this really happening right now?
:'''Beavis''': ''[slurring mockingly]'' &quot;This is really happenengh???&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': She sounds like that [https://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': I'm a whore, hello?
:'''Butt-head''': That's how she answers the phone. 
:'''Beavis''': She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;I'm a whore, welcome to [[w:Costco|Costco]].&quot;

===''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''===
:'''Megan''': Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant...&quot;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This chick is a horrible actor.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Nathan''':&amp;nbsp; [''playing Xbox''] I got nothing better to do.
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; I think this is real!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; So she's not a bad actor then!&amp;nbsp;  Just a bad person.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''shot of Nathan looking out a window'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; He's looking for a job!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Gotta be one out there somewhere…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it would be called &quot;I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna a Get Pregnant.&quot;

===''[[w:MTV Cribs|Teen Cribs]]''===
:''[as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''16 and Pregnant''?
:'''Beavis''': Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
:'''Butt-head''': When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids...&quot;
:'''Russ''': It's more an experiment...
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
:'''Butt-head''': He's got his hand up his wife's butt. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot; And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here...&quot;

===''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]''===
:''[as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]''
:'''Butt-head''': Great. He has a mustache. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, and notify all the guys.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farrah''':&amp;nbsp; I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits soda in surprise'']&amp;nbsp; You can get a loan for big boobs?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…wow!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sherry''':&amp;nbsp; [''showing Farrah waivers'']&amp;nbsp; This is where you sign your life away.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael (Farrah's father)''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her breast augmentation'']&amp;nbsp; Looking good.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did her dad just say &quot;Looking good&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Nice boobs, honey!&quot;

===''[[w:True Life|True Life]]''===
====I'm Addicted to Porn====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Brandon''': Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. ''[smokes a cigar]'' It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What to do...
:'''Beavis''': Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
:'''Butt-head''': Porn, porn, porn... ''[Brandon adjusts his glasses]'' Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, watched so much porn, he starting like a schlong.
 
====I Have a Paranormal Ability====
:'''Butt-head''': Toot's... Squatch...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together]'' She's like, &quot;I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatch''':&amp;nbsp; Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night.&amp;nbsp; Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
:'''Sammie Jo'''&amp;nbsp; …and what did [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]] say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Jesus said she could do better.

==Youtube/TikTok Videos==
===[https://www.youtube.com/@AlyssasAnimalSanctuary Alyssa's Animal Sanctuary]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO8ViMYtK_s Good Morning Farm]===
:'''Alyssa''': ''[approaching a piglett]'' Good morning, Wilbur!
:'''Butt-head''': That thing sounds like you, Beavis. ''[imitating the pig snorts]''
:'''Beavis''': No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's the star of [[w:Charlotte's Web (1973 movie)|that movie]] where there's like a [[w:Charlotte's Web|really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog]]. It's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He was like &quot;Oh, this is educational. Blegh...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It was a tear-jerker.
:'''Beavis''': Jerker...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like a prison for animals or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@JONSBONES The Bone Museum]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw3CVEBA8_Y&amp;t=61s Unboxing Human Skulls]===
:'''Jon''': Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's messed up.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, &quot;Hey guys, I'm super excited.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. You start out like, &quot;Nyah-ha-ha-ha!&quot; Like that [[w:Tales from the Crypt (TV series)|Crypt Keeper dude]], you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? &quot;Welcome, boils and ghouls!&quot; ''[cackles]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If you are watching, you might just get a ''head''.&quot; ''[evil cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in ''skull''.&quot; Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, from dead people.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new ''tomb''-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-''tomb''?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a ''bone''-r.&quot; ''[cackles]'' You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it ''into the ground''. ''[evil cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': But I'm getting ''grave'' reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, &quot;You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
:'''Jon''': ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!&quot;

===[https://www.youtube.com/@csknives Cold Steel]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PQiaurIiDM Chinese War Sword]===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy must score so hard.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I want ''this'' job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Stupid people kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]''
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this doofus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a disgrace to the family. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says &quot;Definitely try this at home.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And do not ask your parents' permission.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Dee]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict/video/7370869433591532842 How to Make Tattoo Ink in Prison]===
:'''Dee''': How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy is ''definitely'' a criminal. What accent is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, a prison accent. 
:'''Beavis''': I wanna talk like that. ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
:'''Dee''': Twist it up very tight...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Twist it up real tight. 
:'''Dee''': Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
:'''Beavis''': Set your box over top of it. 
:'''Dee''': Set the box on two pencils...
:'''Butt-head''': Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
:'''Dee''': After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
:'''Beavis'''  After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. ''[talking normally]'' This like, makes me want to go to jail.
:'''Dee''': Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash. 
:'''Beavis''': What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, &quot;Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's back at his mom's. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, &quot;Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!&quot;

===Diving with Bull Sharks===
:''[as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh, cool yeah! [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]] kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does.
:'''Beavis''': You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
:'''Butt-head''': It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
:'''Beavis''': That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
:'''Butt-head''': Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay, just one more. 
:'''Beavis''': No, Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
:'''Butt-head''': She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yea yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. ''[cackles]''

===[https://www.youtube.com/@DrainMedic Drain Medic]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udw2bij2pwg Clogged Drain #124]===
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe]'' That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he [[w:Colonoscopy|sticks the camera up your butt every five years]]. It's mandatory.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, &quot;Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.

===[https://youtube.com/@gibiasmr?si=erG8vxPID-0eBjYP Gibi]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDWMKHKS44&amp;t=18s Slow &amp; Gentle-ASMR]===
:'''Gibi'''&quot; ''[whispering]'' Hello everybody. It's... ''[clicks]'' Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. ''[Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion]'' I'm gonna start with...
:'''Beavis''': What is this, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' It's called [[w:ASMR|ASMR]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' You need to speak more quietly, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sorry. ''[whispering]'' This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep. 
:'''Gibi''': ''[still whispering]'' This is a baby pink...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gibi''': ''[moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering]'' Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I am going to ''kick'' the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do ''not'' spank your monkey. 
:''[Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! ''[slowly slaps Beavis]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, no Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[talking normally]'' What'd you say, Butt-head? ''[gets slapped] Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, sorry.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@theanatomylab Institute of Human Anatomy]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH39-HeL6mw Will a Cow's Eye Bounce?]===
:'''Butt-head''': I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
:'''Beavis''': You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
:'''Beavis''': To spank my monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@KentSurvival Kent Survival]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZWw-LqXkI Bushcraft Breakfast]===
:'''Kent''': You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will ''never'' score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I don't see how he could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this the outback or something?
:'''Butt-head''': He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?&quot; ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
:'''Beavis''': And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why didn't he just, like, get some [[w:Froot Loops|Froot Loops]] or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Kent cooks a large breakfast]'' He's like, &quot;I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah.&quot; ''[Kent starts making orange juice]'' &quot;Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone.&quot;
:'''Kent''': That was lovely...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''[as Kent puts on his backpack]'' &quot;And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': She'll be like &quot;You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Just smash that find my wife button.&quot;

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Heidi Lavon]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon/video/7062092305196567855?lang=en How to Shake Your Meat]===
:'''Heidi''': Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heidi''': I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[cackling]'' She said &quot;big meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[trying to pay attention to the video]'' Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
:'''Heidi''': ...if you've got little meat...
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;little meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
:'''Heidi''': You can go all on the ball of your foot...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ball of your foot.&quot; ''[cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said &quot;meat,&quot; she said &quot;big meat,&quot; &quot;small meat,&quot; she said &quot;balls,&quot; okay, are you done?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Beavis tries to shake his butt]'' You have no ass.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You look like two legs shoved into a back.

===Lizard Dinner===
:''[as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]''
:'''Butt-head''': Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I would never do that.

===[https://youtube.com/@quarterhoarder?si=HislDGaeoznIg8Ci Quarter Hoarder]|[https://youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1RHOUEQ_o Metal Detecting]===
:'''Jason''': ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... ''[Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy]'' Ohh!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. The word &quot;cool&quot; means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's nothing cool about that. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean, I used to eat my toy [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]] and [[w:Tonka|Tonka]] trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a [[w:Lego|Lego]] pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now ''that'', I showed people. I did do that. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. ''[they cackle]'' And then he retired.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@relaxwithrafe2573 Relax with Rafe]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVUCRAD8-I Relax with Rafe]===
:'''Rafe''': Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice your breath.&quot; Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
:'''Rafe''': You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks.&quot; This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;And you may not notice my hands even getting lower.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?

===[https://www.youtube.com/@AnitaSirene Anita Sirene]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvLeo2iB1qs Your Future Self]===
:'''Stargirl the Practical Witch''': ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
:'''Old Beavis''': No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 year. Come on.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': Yeah, yeah...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
:'''Old Beavis''': No.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, a cousin?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
:'''Old Beavis''': I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you're ''sitting'' on a couch. 
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no- ''[suddenly slapped by Butt-head]'' Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
:'''Old Butt-head''': Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': I guess you are pretty good then.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@voicelessondotcom Voice Lesson.com]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOYDSo-ZFBg Want a Smooth Voice? Do This:]===
:''[as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is kinda catchy. ''[singing]'' Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. ''[singing slightly off-key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
:'''Beavis''': No, you're off, Butt-head. ''[singing in key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[singing]'' One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. One two three one?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty! 
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
:'''Beavis''': It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? [[w:Adele|Adele]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@NelaZisser Nela Zisser]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia6KI5dLeHI New Zealand Girl Eats 10 Big Macs]===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten [[w:Big Mac|Big Macs]] in a row?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and &quot;meat is murder.&quot; 
:''[Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''[enthusiastically head-banging]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
:'''Beavis''': This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. ''[as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola]'' Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
:'''Butt-head''': At this point, it's all mental.
:'''Beavis''': You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
:'''Butt-head''': And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}
*{{tv.com show|beavis-and-butthead|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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      <text bytes="44257" sha1="nuz1brt9gkx1lxry5zkp9es6snu8r7l" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==MTV Programming==
===''Cuff'd''===
:'''John''': You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
:'''Roger''': His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not ''that'' dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, &quot;Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roger''': You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
:'''Beavis''': Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?! 
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are just so cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.

===''[[w:Ghosted: Love Gone Missing|Ghosted: Love Gone Missing]]''===
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this better be good.
:'''Beavis''': We gotta pay attention.
:'''Dante''': The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
:'''Giovanna''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... what?
:'''Beavis''': Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that can't be right.
:'''Dante''': You're like a fucking rabbit.
:'''Beavis''': Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! ''[With eyes bugging out]'' He's a lousy sonofabitch!
:'''Butt-head''': He sure is.
:'''Beavis''': How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
:'''Butt-head''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Dante''': ...multiple times a day, every day.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
:'''Butt-head''': Exactly.
:'''Beavis''': You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
:'''Butt-head''': For once, I'm not gonna say, &quot;settle down, Beavis.&quot; You're absolutely right.
:'''Beavis''': I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! ''[He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage]'' Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[kicking the TV into oblivion]'' Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
:'''Beavis''': ''[bashing the TV with the rock]'' You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! ''[Finished, he walks back to the couch]'' Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's how you take care of that.
:'''Beavis''': That'll teach him a lesson.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': We don't have a TV anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um... why not? ''[realizing]'' Oh, yeah.

===''[[w:How Far is Tattoo Far?|How Far is Tattoo Far?]]''===
:'''[[w:Nico Tortella|Nico Tortella]]''': ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did ''not'' come to play...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;But he did ''nooot'' come to play.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': What is this anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... Diarrhea?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
:'''Beavis''': You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
:''[the tattoo reads &quot;Will you marry me?!&quot;]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this also says &quot;diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now ''that'' looks like diarrhea, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as someone begins to propose]'' Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, &quot;Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, &quot;Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Through diarrhea and health.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I do-doo.&quot;

===''[[Jersey Shore]]''===
:'''[[w:JWoww|Jenni Jwoww]]''':&amp;nbsp; When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, &quot;Oh, where'd you make pizza?&quot;&amp;nbsp; Bitch, I made it in Florence!&amp;nbsp; That's where I made pizza!
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; So she's gonna call her grandkids &quot;bitch&quot;?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Please don't hit us again.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!&quot;

&lt;hr width=/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vinny Guadagnino|Vinny]]''': She ''loves'' hot salami!
:'''[[w:Snooki|Snooki]]''': Vinny,  shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[annoyed]'' Yeah yeah,  she loves hot salami, see he means schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating the Italian cook]'' You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Deena Nicole Cortese|Deena]]''':  I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronnie Ortiz-Magro|Ronnie]]''': Go!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
:'''Butt-head''': You're wasting all our time!
:'''Beavis''': What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': Space means,  like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys. 
:'''Butt-head''': Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So is Snooki a Gorilla?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': ... I have to poop. 
:'''Butt-head''': Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
:'''Beavis''': And if so, where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': What I would ''love'' to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on [[w:Match.com|Match.com]] again.
:'''Manager''': Start to work faster!
:'''Butt-head''': She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
:'''Beavis''': He was like, &quot;I have all these qualities.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Snooki is arrested]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
:'''Snooki''': ''[sobbing]'' Is this really happening right now?
:'''Beavis''': ''[slurring mockingly]'' &quot;This is really happenengh???&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': She sounds like that [https://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': I'm a whore, hello?
:'''Butt-head''': That's how she answers the phone. 
:'''Beavis''': She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;I'm a whore, welcome to [[w:Costco|Costco]].&quot;

===''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''===
:'''Megan''': Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant...&quot;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This chick is a horrible actor.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Nathan''':&amp;nbsp; [''playing Xbox''] I got nothing better to do.
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; I think this is real!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; So she's not a bad actor then!&amp;nbsp;  Just a bad person.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''shot of Nathan looking out a window'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; He's looking for a job!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Gotta be one out there somewhere…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it would be called &quot;I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna a Get Pregnant.&quot;

===''[[w:MTV Cribs|Teen Cribs]]''===
:''[as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''16 and Pregnant''?
:'''Beavis''': Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
:'''Butt-head''': When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids...&quot;
:'''Russ''': It's more an experiment...
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
:'''Butt-head''': He's got his hand up his wife's butt. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot; And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here...&quot;

===''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]''===
:''[as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]''
:'''Butt-head''': Great. He has a mustache. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, and notify all the guys.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farrah''':&amp;nbsp; I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits soda in surprise'']&amp;nbsp; You can get a loan for big boobs?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…wow!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sherry''':&amp;nbsp; [''showing Farrah waivers'']&amp;nbsp; This is where you sign your life away.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael (Farrah's father)''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her breast augmentation'']&amp;nbsp; Looking good.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did her dad just say &quot;Looking good&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Nice boobs, honey!&quot;

===''[[w:True Life|True Life]]''===
====I'm Addicted to Porn====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Brandon''': Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. ''[smokes a cigar]'' It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What to do...
:'''Beavis''': Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
:'''Butt-head''': Porn, porn, porn... ''[Brandon adjusts his glasses]'' Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, watched so much porn, he's starting like a schlong.

====I Have a Paranormal Ability====
:'''Butt-head''': Toot's... Squatch...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together]'' She's like, &quot;I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatch''':&amp;nbsp; Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night.&amp;nbsp; Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
:'''Sammie Jo'''&amp;nbsp; …and what did [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]] say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Jesus said she could do better.

==Youtube/TikTok Videos==
===[https://www.youtube.com/@AlyssasAnimalSanctuary Alyssa's Animal Sanctuary]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO8ViMYtK_s Good Morning Farm]===
:'''Alyssa''': ''[approaching a piglett]'' Good morning, Wilbur!
:'''Butt-head''': That thing sounds like you, Beavis. ''[imitating the pig snorts]''
:'''Beavis''': No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's the star of [[w:Charlotte's Web (1973 movie)|that movie]] where there's like a [[w:Charlotte's Web|really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog]]. It's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He was like &quot;Oh, this is educational. Blegh...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It was a tear-jerker.
:'''Beavis''': Jerker...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like a prison for animals or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@JONSBONES The Bone Museum]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw3CVEBA8_Y&amp;t=61s Unboxing Human Skulls]===
:'''Jon''': Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's messed up.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, &quot;Hey guys, I'm super excited.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. You start out like, &quot;Nyah-ha-ha-ha!&quot; Like that [[w:Tales from the Crypt (TV series)|Crypt Keeper dude]], you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? &quot;Welcome, boils and ghouls!&quot; ''[cackles]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If you are watching, you might just get a ''head''.&quot; ''[evil cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in ''skull''.&quot; Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, from dead people.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new ''tomb''-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-''tomb''?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a ''bone''-r.&quot; ''[cackles]'' You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it ''into the ground''. ''[evil cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': But I'm getting ''grave'' reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, &quot;You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
:'''Jon''': ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!&quot;

===[https://www.youtube.com/@csknives Cold Steel]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PQiaurIiDM Chinese War Sword]===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy must score so hard.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I want ''this'' job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Stupid people kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]''
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this doofus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a disgrace to the family. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says &quot;Definitely try this at home.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And do not ask your parents' permission.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Dee]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict/video/7370869433591532842 How to Make Tattoo Ink in Prison]===
:'''Dee''': How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy is ''definitely'' a criminal. What accent is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, a prison accent. 
:'''Beavis''': I wanna talk like that. ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
:'''Dee''': Twist it up very tight...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Twist it up real tight. 
:'''Dee''': Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
:'''Beavis''': Set your box over top of it. 
:'''Dee''': Set the box on two pencils...
:'''Butt-head''': Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
:'''Dee''': After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
:'''Beavis'''  After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. ''[talking normally]'' This like, makes me want to go to jail.
:'''Dee''': Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash. 
:'''Beavis''': What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, &quot;Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's back at his mom's. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, &quot;Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!&quot;

===Diving with Bull Sharks===
:''[as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh, cool yeah! [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]] kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does.
:'''Beavis''': You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
:'''Butt-head''': It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
:'''Beavis''': That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
:'''Butt-head''': Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay, just one more. 
:'''Beavis''': No, Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
:'''Butt-head''': She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yea yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. ''[cackles]''

===[https://www.youtube.com/@DrainMedic Drain Medic]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udw2bij2pwg Clogged Drain #124]===
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe]'' That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he [[w:Colonoscopy|sticks the camera up your butt every five years]]. It's mandatory.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, &quot;Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.

===[https://youtube.com/@gibiasmr?si=erG8vxPID-0eBjYP Gibi]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDWMKHKS44&amp;t=18s Slow &amp; Gentle-ASMR]===
:'''Gibi'''&quot; ''[whispering]'' Hello everybody. It's... ''[clicks]'' Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. ''[Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion]'' I'm gonna start with...
:'''Beavis''': What is this, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' It's called [[w:ASMR|ASMR]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' You need to speak more quietly, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sorry. ''[whispering]'' This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep. 
:'''Gibi''': ''[still whispering]'' This is a baby pink...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gibi''': ''[moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering]'' Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I am going to ''kick'' the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do ''not'' spank your monkey. 
:''[Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! ''[slowly slaps Beavis]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, no Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[talking normally]'' What'd you say, Butt-head? ''[gets slapped] Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, sorry.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@theanatomylab Institute of Human Anatomy]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH39-HeL6mw Will a Cow's Eye Bounce?]===
:'''Butt-head''': I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
:'''Beavis''': You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
:'''Beavis''': To spank my monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@KentSurvival Kent Survival]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZWw-LqXkI Bushcraft Breakfast]===
:'''Kent''': You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will ''never'' score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I don't see how he could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this the outback or something?
:'''Butt-head''': He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?&quot; ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
:'''Beavis''': And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why didn't he just, like, get some [[w:Froot Loops|Froot Loops]] or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Kent cooks a large breakfast]'' He's like, &quot;I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah.&quot; ''[Kent starts making orange juice]'' &quot;Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone.&quot;
:'''Kent''': That was lovely...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''[as Kent puts on his backpack]'' &quot;And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': She'll be like &quot;You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Just smash that find my wife button.&quot;

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Heidi Lavon]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon/video/7062092305196567855?lang=en How to Shake Your Meat]===
:'''Heidi''': Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heidi''': I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[cackling]'' She said &quot;big meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[trying to pay attention to the video]'' Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
:'''Heidi''': ...if you've got little meat...
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;little meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
:'''Heidi''': You can go all on the ball of your foot...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ball of your foot.&quot; ''[cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said &quot;meat,&quot; she said &quot;big meat,&quot; &quot;small meat,&quot; she said &quot;balls,&quot; okay, are you done?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Beavis tries to shake his butt]'' You have no ass.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You look like two legs shoved into a back.

===Lizard Dinner===
:''[as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]''
:'''Butt-head''': Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I would never do that.

===[https://youtube.com/@quarterhoarder?si=HislDGaeoznIg8Ci Quarter Hoarder]|[https://youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1RHOUEQ_o Metal Detecting]===
:'''Jason''': ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... ''[Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy]'' Ohh!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. The word &quot;cool&quot; means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's nothing cool about that. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean, I used to eat my toy [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]] and [[w:Tonka|Tonka]] trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a [[w:Lego|Lego]] pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now ''that'', I showed people. I did do that. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. ''[they cackle]'' And then he retired.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@relaxwithrafe2573 Relax with Rafe]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVUCRAD8-I Relax with Rafe]===
:'''Rafe''': Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice your breath.&quot; Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
:'''Rafe''': You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks.&quot; This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;And you may not notice my hands even getting lower.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?

===[https://www.youtube.com/@AnitaSirene Anita Sirene]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvLeo2iB1qs Your Future Self]===
:'''Stargirl the Practical Witch''': ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
:'''Old Beavis''': No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 year. Come on.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': Yeah, yeah...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
:'''Old Beavis''': No.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, a cousin?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
:'''Old Beavis''': I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you're ''sitting'' on a couch. 
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no- ''[suddenly slapped by Butt-head]'' Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
:'''Old Butt-head''': Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': I guess you are pretty good then.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@voicelessondotcom Voice Lesson.com]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOYDSo-ZFBg Want a Smooth Voice? Do This:]===
:''[as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is kinda catchy. ''[singing]'' Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. ''[singing slightly off-key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
:'''Beavis''': No, you're off, Butt-head. ''[singing in key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[singing]'' One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. One two three one?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty! 
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
:'''Beavis''': It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? [[w:Adele|Adele]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@NelaZisser Nela Zisser]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia6KI5dLeHI New Zealand Girl Eats 10 Big Macs]===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten [[w:Big Mac|Big Macs]] in a row?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and &quot;meat is murder.&quot; 
:''[Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''[enthusiastically head-banging]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
:'''Beavis''': This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. ''[as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola]'' Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
:'''Butt-head''': At this point, it's all mental.
:'''Beavis''': You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
:'''Butt-head''': And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}
*{{tv.com show|beavis-and-butthead|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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      <text bytes="45177" sha1="b2of736dxen1livr2mf6mygkx9ekajb" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==Beavis and Butt-head's Cinema Classics==
:'''Butt-head''': Good evening. Tonight, Beavis and I will be discussing a wonderful and inspiring film canned ''[[w:The Human Centipede (First Sequence)|The Human Centipede]].'' In this movie, a German doctor surgically connects this chick's mouth to another chick's butt, then he connects that chick's mouth to a Chinese dude's butt, creating a Siamese triplet called the human centipede.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, you know it really is uplifting. 
:'''Butt-head''': Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and love. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they also learn what human butt tastes like. At least two of them do.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That's uplifting.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Josef Heiter''': The Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passed through B, extraction, through C.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the butt.
 
==MTV Programming==
===''Cuff'd''===
:'''John''': You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
:'''Roger''': His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not ''that'' dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, &quot;Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roger''': You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
:'''Beavis''': Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?! 
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are just so cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.

===''[[w:Ghosted: Love Gone Missing|Ghosted: Love Gone Missing]]''===
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this better be good.
:'''Beavis''': We gotta pay attention.
:'''Dante''': The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
:'''Giovanna''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... what?
:'''Beavis''': Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that can't be right.
:'''Dante''': You're like a fucking rabbit.
:'''Beavis''': Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! ''[With eyes bugging out]'' He's a lousy sonofabitch!
:'''Butt-head''': He sure is.
:'''Beavis''': How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
:'''Butt-head''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Dante''': ...multiple times a day, every day.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
:'''Butt-head''': Exactly.
:'''Beavis''': You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
:'''Butt-head''': For once, I'm not gonna say, &quot;settle down, Beavis.&quot; You're absolutely right.
:'''Beavis''': I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! ''[He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage]'' Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[kicking the TV into oblivion]'' Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
:'''Beavis''': ''[bashing the TV with the rock]'' You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! ''[Finished, he walks back to the couch]'' Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's how you take care of that.
:'''Beavis''': That'll teach him a lesson.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': We don't have a TV anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um... why not? ''[realizing]'' Oh, yeah.

===''[[w:How Far is Tattoo Far?|How Far is Tattoo Far?]]''===
:'''[[w:Nico Tortella|Nico Tortella]]''': ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did ''not'' come to play...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;But he did ''nooot'' come to play.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': What is this anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... Diarrhea?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
:'''Beavis''': You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
:''[the tattoo reads &quot;Will you marry me?!&quot;]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this also says &quot;diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now ''that'' looks like diarrhea, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as someone begins to propose]'' Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, &quot;Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, &quot;Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Through diarrhea and health.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I do-doo.&quot;

===''[[Jersey Shore]]''===
:'''[[w:JWoww|Jenni Jwoww]]''':&amp;nbsp; When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, &quot;Oh, where'd you make pizza?&quot;&amp;nbsp; Bitch, I made it in Florence!&amp;nbsp; That's where I made pizza!
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; So she's gonna call her grandkids &quot;bitch&quot;?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Please don't hit us again.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!&quot;

&lt;hr width=/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vinny Guadagnino|Vinny]]''': She ''loves'' hot salami!
:'''[[w:Snooki|Snooki]]''': Vinny,  shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[annoyed]'' Yeah yeah,  she loves hot salami, see he means schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating the Italian cook]'' You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Deena Nicole Cortese|Deena]]''':  I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronnie Ortiz-Magro|Ronnie]]''': Go!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
:'''Butt-head''': You're wasting all our time!
:'''Beavis''': What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': Space means,  like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys. 
:'''Butt-head''': Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So is Snooki a Gorilla?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': ... I have to poop. 
:'''Butt-head''': Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
:'''Beavis''': And if so, where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': What I would ''love'' to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on [[w:Match.com|Match.com]] again.
:'''Manager''': Start to work faster!
:'''Butt-head''': She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
:'''Beavis''': He was like, &quot;I have all these qualities.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Snooki is arrested]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
:'''Snooki''': ''[sobbing]'' Is this really happening right now?
:'''Beavis''': ''[slurring mockingly]'' &quot;This is really happenengh???&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': She sounds like that [https://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': I'm a whore, hello?
:'''Butt-head''': That's how she answers the phone. 
:'''Beavis''': She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;I'm a whore, welcome to [[w:Costco|Costco]].&quot;

===''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''===
:'''Megan''': Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant...&quot;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This chick is a horrible actor.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Nathan''':&amp;nbsp; [''playing Xbox''] I got nothing better to do.
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; I think this is real!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; So she's not a bad actor then!&amp;nbsp;  Just a bad person.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''shot of Nathan looking out a window'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; He's looking for a job!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Gotta be one out there somewhere…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it would be called &quot;I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna a Get Pregnant.&quot;

===''[[w:MTV Cribs|Teen Cribs]]''===
:''[as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''16 and Pregnant''?
:'''Beavis''': Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
:'''Butt-head''': When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids...&quot;
:'''Russ''': It's more an experiment...
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
:'''Butt-head''': He's got his hand up his wife's butt. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot; And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here...&quot;

===''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]''===
:''[as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]''
:'''Butt-head''': Great. He has a mustache. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, and notify all the guys.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farrah''':&amp;nbsp; I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits soda in surprise'']&amp;nbsp; You can get a loan for big boobs?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…wow!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sherry''':&amp;nbsp; [''showing Farrah waivers'']&amp;nbsp; This is where you sign your life away.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael (Farrah's father)''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her breast augmentation'']&amp;nbsp; Looking good.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did her dad just say &quot;Looking good&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Nice boobs, honey!&quot;

===''[[w:True Life|True Life]]''===
====I'm Addicted to Porn====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Brandon''': Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. ''[smokes a cigar]'' It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What to do...
:'''Beavis''': Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
:'''Butt-head''': Porn, porn, porn... ''[Brandon adjusts his glasses]'' Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, watched so much porn, he's starting like a schlong.

====I Have a Paranormal Ability====
:'''Butt-head''': Toot's... Squatch...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together]'' She's like, &quot;I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatch''':&amp;nbsp; Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night.&amp;nbsp; Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
:'''Sammie Jo'''&amp;nbsp; …and what did [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]] say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Jesus said she could do better.

==Youtube/TikTok Videos==
===[https://www.youtube.com/@AlyssasAnimalSanctuary Alyssa's Animal Sanctuary]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO8ViMYtK_s Good Morning Farm]===
:'''Alyssa''': ''[approaching a piglett]'' Good morning, Wilbur!
:'''Butt-head''': That thing sounds like you, Beavis. ''[imitating the pig snorts]''
:'''Beavis''': No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's the star of [[w:Charlotte's Web (1973 movie)|that movie]] where there's like a [[w:Charlotte's Web|really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog]]. It's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He was like &quot;Oh, this is educational. Blegh...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It was a tear-jerker.
:'''Beavis''': Jerker...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like a prison for animals or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@JONSBONES The Bone Museum]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw3CVEBA8_Y&amp;t=61s Unboxing Human Skulls]===
:'''Jon''': Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's messed up.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, &quot;Hey guys, I'm super excited.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. You start out like, &quot;Nyah-ha-ha-ha!&quot; Like that [[w:Tales from the Crypt (TV series)|Crypt Keeper dude]], you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? &quot;Welcome, boils and ghouls!&quot; ''[cackles]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If you are watching, you might just get a ''head''.&quot; ''[evil cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in ''skull''.&quot; Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, from dead people.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new ''tomb''-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-''tomb''?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a ''bone''-r.&quot; ''[cackles]'' You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it ''into the ground''. ''[evil cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': But I'm getting ''grave'' reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, &quot;You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
:'''Jon''': ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!&quot;

===[https://www.youtube.com/@csknives Cold Steel]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PQiaurIiDM Chinese War Sword]===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy must score so hard.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I want ''this'' job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Stupid people kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]''
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this doofus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a disgrace to the family. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says &quot;Definitely try this at home.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And do not ask your parents' permission.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Dee]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict/video/7370869433591532842 How to Make Tattoo Ink in Prison]===
:'''Dee''': How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy is ''definitely'' a criminal. What accent is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, a prison accent. 
:'''Beavis''': I wanna talk like that. ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
:'''Dee''': Twist it up very tight...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Twist it up real tight. 
:'''Dee''': Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
:'''Beavis''': Set your box over top of it. 
:'''Dee''': Set the box on two pencils...
:'''Butt-head''': Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
:'''Dee''': After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
:'''Beavis'''  After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. ''[talking normally]'' This like, makes me want to go to jail.
:'''Dee''': Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash. 
:'''Beavis''': What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, &quot;Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's back at his mom's. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, &quot;Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!&quot;

===Diving with Bull Sharks===
:''[as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh, cool yeah! [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]] kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does.
:'''Beavis''': You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
:'''Butt-head''': It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
:'''Beavis''': That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
:'''Butt-head''': Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay, just one more. 
:'''Beavis''': No, Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
:'''Butt-head''': She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yea yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. ''[cackles]''

===[https://www.youtube.com/@DrainMedic Drain Medic]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udw2bij2pwg Clogged Drain #124]===
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe]'' That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he [[w:Colonoscopy|sticks the camera up your butt every five years]]. It's mandatory.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, &quot;Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.

===[https://youtube.com/@gibiasmr?si=erG8vxPID-0eBjYP Gibi]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDWMKHKS44&amp;t=18s Slow &amp; Gentle-ASMR]===
:'''Gibi'''&quot; ''[whispering]'' Hello everybody. It's... ''[clicks]'' Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. ''[Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion]'' I'm gonna start with...
:'''Beavis''': What is this, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' It's called [[w:ASMR|ASMR]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' You need to speak more quietly, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sorry. ''[whispering]'' This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep. 
:'''Gibi''': ''[still whispering]'' This is a baby pink...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gibi''': ''[moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering]'' Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I am going to ''kick'' the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do ''not'' spank your monkey. 
:''[Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! ''[slowly slaps Beavis]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, no Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[talking normally]'' What'd you say, Butt-head? ''[gets slapped] Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, sorry.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@theanatomylab Institute of Human Anatomy]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH39-HeL6mw Will a Cow's Eye Bounce?]===
:'''Butt-head''': I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
:'''Beavis''': You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
:'''Beavis''': To spank my monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@KentSurvival Kent Survival]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZWw-LqXkI Bushcraft Breakfast]===
:'''Kent''': You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will ''never'' score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I don't see how he could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this the outback or something?
:'''Butt-head''': He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?&quot; ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
:'''Beavis''': And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why didn't he just, like, get some [[w:Froot Loops|Froot Loops]] or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Kent cooks a large breakfast]'' He's like, &quot;I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah.&quot; ''[Kent starts making orange juice]'' &quot;Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone.&quot;
:'''Kent''': That was lovely...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''[as Kent puts on his backpack]'' &quot;And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': She'll be like &quot;You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Just smash that find my wife button.&quot;

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Heidi Lavon]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon/video/7062092305196567855?lang=en How to Shake Your Meat]===
:'''Heidi''': Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heidi''': I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[cackling]'' She said &quot;big meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[trying to pay attention to the video]'' Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
:'''Heidi''': ...if you've got little meat...
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;little meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
:'''Heidi''': You can go all on the ball of your foot...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ball of your foot.&quot; ''[cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said &quot;meat,&quot; she said &quot;big meat,&quot; &quot;small meat,&quot; she said &quot;balls,&quot; okay, are you done?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Beavis tries to shake his butt]'' You have no ass.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You look like two legs shoved into a back.

===Lizard Dinner===
:''[as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]''
:'''Butt-head''': Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I would never do that.

===[https://youtube.com/@quarterhoarder?si=HislDGaeoznIg8Ci Quarter Hoarder]|[https://youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1RHOUEQ_o Metal Detecting]===
:'''Jason''': ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... ''[Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy]'' Ohh!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. The word &quot;cool&quot; means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's nothing cool about that. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean, I used to eat my toy [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]] and [[w:Tonka|Tonka]] trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a [[w:Lego|Lego]] pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now ''that'', I showed people. I did do that. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. ''[they cackle]'' And then he retired.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@relaxwithrafe2573 Relax with Rafe]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVUCRAD8-I Relax with Rafe]===
:'''Rafe''': Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice your breath.&quot; Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
:'''Rafe''': You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks.&quot; This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;And you may not notice my hands even getting lower.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?

===[https://www.youtube.com/@AnitaSirene Anita Sirene]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvLeo2iB1qs Your Future Self]===
:'''Stargirl the Practical Witch''': ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
:'''Old Beavis''': No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 year. Come on.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': Yeah, yeah...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
:'''Old Beavis''': No.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, a cousin?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
:'''Old Beavis''': I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you're ''sitting'' on a couch. 
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no- ''[suddenly slapped by Butt-head]'' Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
:'''Old Butt-head''': Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': I guess you are pretty good then.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@voicelessondotcom Voice Lesson.com]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOYDSo-ZFBg Want a Smooth Voice? Do This:]===
:''[as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is kinda catchy. ''[singing]'' Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. ''[singing slightly off-key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
:'''Beavis''': No, you're off, Butt-head. ''[singing in key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[singing]'' One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. One two three one?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty! 
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
:'''Beavis''': It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? [[w:Adele|Adele]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@NelaZisser Nela Zisser]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia6KI5dLeHI New Zealand Girl Eats 10 Big Macs]===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten [[w:Big Mac|Big Macs]] in a row?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and &quot;meat is murder.&quot; 
:''[Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''[enthusiastically head-banging]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
:'''Beavis''': This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. ''[as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola]'' Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
:'''Butt-head''': At this point, it's all mental.
:'''Beavis''': You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
:'''Butt-head''': And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}
*{{tv.com show|beavis-and-butthead|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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      <text bytes="46637" sha1="tc63hsj16uupl9s7oi9rqv65dj789k2" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==Beavis and Butt-head's Cinema Classics==
:'''Butt-head''': Good evening. Tonight, Beavis and I will be discussing a wonderful and inspiring film canned ''[[w:The Human Centipede (First Sequence)|The Human Centipede]].'' In this movie, a German doctor surgically connects this chick's mouth to another chick's butt, then he connects that chick's mouth to a Chinese dude's butt, creating a Siamese triplet called the human centipede.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, you know it really is uplifting. 
:'''Butt-head''': Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and love. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they also learn what human butt tastes like. At least two of them do.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That's uplifting.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Josef Heiter''': The Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passed through B, extraction, through C.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the butt.
 
==MTV Programming==
===''Cuff'd''===
:'''John''': You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
:'''Roger''': His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not ''that'' dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, &quot;Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roger''': You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
:'''Beavis''': Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?! 
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are just so cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.

===''[[w:Ghosted: Love Gone Missing|Ghosted: Love Gone Missing]]''===
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this better be good.
:'''Beavis''': We gotta pay attention.
:'''Dante''': The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
:'''Giovanna''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... what?
:'''Beavis''': Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that can't be right.
:'''Dante''': You're like a fucking rabbit.
:'''Beavis''': Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! ''[With eyes bugging out]'' He's a lousy sonofabitch!
:'''Butt-head''': He sure is.
:'''Beavis''': How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
:'''Butt-head''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Dante''': ...multiple times a day, every day.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
:'''Butt-head''': Exactly.
:'''Beavis''': You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
:'''Butt-head''': For once, I'm not gonna say, &quot;settle down, Beavis.&quot; You're absolutely right.
:'''Beavis''': I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! ''[He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage]'' Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[kicking the TV into oblivion]'' Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
:'''Beavis''': ''[bashing the TV with the rock]'' You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! ''[Finished, he walks back to the couch]'' Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's how you take care of that.
:'''Beavis''': That'll teach him a lesson.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': We don't have a TV anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um... why not? ''[realizing]'' Oh, yeah.

===''[[w:How Far is Tattoo Far?|How Far is Tattoo Far?]]''===
:'''[[w:Nico Tortella|Nico Tortella]]''': ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did ''not'' come to play...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;But he did ''nooot'' come to play.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': What is this anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... Diarrhea?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
:'''Beavis''': You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
:''[the tattoo reads &quot;Will you marry me?!&quot;]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this also says &quot;diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now ''that'' looks like diarrhea, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as someone begins to propose]'' Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, &quot;Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, &quot;Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Through diarrhea and health.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I do-doo.&quot;

===''[[Jersey Shore]]''===
:'''[[w:JWoww|Jenni Jwoww]]''':&amp;nbsp; When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, &quot;Oh, where'd you make pizza?&quot;&amp;nbsp; Bitch, I made it in Florence!&amp;nbsp; That's where I made pizza!
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; So she's gonna call her grandkids &quot;bitch&quot;?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Please don't hit us again.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!&quot;

&lt;hr width=/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vinny Guadagnino|Vinny]]''': She ''loves'' hot salami!
:'''[[w:Snooki|Snooki]]''': Vinny,  shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[annoyed]'' Yeah yeah,  she loves hot salami, see he means schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating the Italian cook]'' You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Deena Nicole Cortese|Deena]]''':  I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronnie Ortiz-Magro|Ronnie]]''': Go!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
:'''Butt-head''': You're wasting all our time!
:'''Beavis''': What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': Space means,  like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys. 
:'''Butt-head''': Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So is Snooki a Gorilla?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': ... I have to poop. 
:'''Butt-head''': Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
:'''Beavis''': And if so, where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': What I would ''love'' to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on [[w:Match.com|Match.com]] again.
:'''Manager''': Start to work faster!
:'''Butt-head''': She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
:'''Beavis''': He was like, &quot;I have all these qualities.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Snooki is arrested]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
:'''Snooki''': ''[sobbing]'' Is this really happening right now?
:'''Beavis''': ''[slurring mockingly]'' &quot;This is really happenengh???&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': She sounds like that [https://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': I'm a whore, hello?
:'''Butt-head''': That's how she answers the phone. 
:'''Beavis''': She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;I'm a whore, welcome to [[w:Costco|Costco]].&quot;

===''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''===
:'''Megan''': Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant...&quot;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This chick is a horrible actor.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Nathan''':&amp;nbsp; [''playing Xbox''] I got nothing better to do.
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; I think this is real!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; So she's not a bad actor then!&amp;nbsp;  Just a bad person.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''shot of Nathan looking out a window'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; He's looking for a job!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Gotta be one out there somewhere…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it would be called &quot;I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna a Get Pregnant.&quot;

===''[[w:MTV Cribs|Teen Cribs]]''===
:''[as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''16 and Pregnant''?
:'''Beavis''': Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
:'''Butt-head''': When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids...&quot;
:'''Russ''': It's more an experiment...
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
:'''Butt-head''': He's got his hand up his wife's butt. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot; And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here...&quot;

===''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]''===
:''[as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]''
:'''Butt-head''': Great. He has a mustache. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, and notify all the guys.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farrah''':&amp;nbsp; I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits soda in surprise'']&amp;nbsp; You can get a loan for big boobs?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…wow!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sherry''':&amp;nbsp; [''showing Farrah waivers'']&amp;nbsp; This is where you sign your life away.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael (Farrah's father)''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her breast augmentation'']&amp;nbsp; Looking good.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did her dad just say &quot;Looking good&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Nice boobs, honey!&quot;

===''[[w:True Life|True Life]]''===
====I'm Addicted to Porn====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Brandon''': Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. ''[smokes a cigar]'' It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What to do...
:'''Beavis''': Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
:'''Butt-head''': Porn, porn, porn... ''[Brandon adjusts his glasses]'' Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, watched so much porn, he's starting like a schlong.

====I Have a Paranormal Ability====
:'''Butt-head''': Toot's... Squatch...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together]'' She's like, &quot;I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatch''':&amp;nbsp; Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night.&amp;nbsp; Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
:'''Sammie Jo'''&amp;nbsp; …and what did [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]] say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Jesus said she could do better.

====I'm Living Off the Grid====
:''[an elderly bearded man is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Is that [[w:Gandalf|Gandalf]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know they had homeless people in Middle-Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tamarack''': First of all, make sure we are gathering respectfully. ''[holding clam shells]'' This clam here is an elder. These are the clams that ought to be respected, because they've lived a long time. They have their genetic heritage to pass on to the young. 
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this guy has more rules than the army. A dirty, stinky, itchy, smelly army.
:'''Beavis''': And beardy. You know, it's a bunch of disgusting homeless people.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tamarack without his shirt on]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! When did his shirt come off?
:'''Tamarack''': ''[to a follower]'' Sit and connect?
:'''Butt-head''': Gandalf is ready to connect.
:'''Tamarack''': What are you feeling?
:'''Follower''': Right now, a lot of shame. I just went for a walk. I took a can of pop.
:'''Tamarack''': With the experience with the clams, I don't think any differently of you because of it.
:'''Follower''': It was the clams that made it hurt. 
:'''Tamarack''': Can you pull up your inner resilience?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;And then you can pull ''my'' inner resilience.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Is anyone looking?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Gandalf will show you some shame, now back to your tent and take off your clothes!

==Youtube/TikTok Videos==
===[https://www.youtube.com/@AlyssasAnimalSanctuary Alyssa's Animal Sanctuary]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO8ViMYtK_s Good Morning Farm]===
:'''Alyssa''': ''[approaching a piglett]'' Good morning, Wilbur!
:'''Butt-head''': That thing sounds like you, Beavis. ''[imitating the pig snorts]''
:'''Beavis''': No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's the star of [[w:Charlotte's Web (1973 movie)|that movie]] where there's like a [[w:Charlotte's Web|really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog]]. It's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He was like &quot;Oh, this is educational. Blegh...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It was a tear-jerker.
:'''Beavis''': Jerker...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like a prison for animals or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@JONSBONES The Bone Museum]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw3CVEBA8_Y&amp;t=61s Unboxing Human Skulls]===
:'''Jon''': Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's messed up.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, &quot;Hey guys, I'm super excited.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. You start out like, &quot;Nyah-ha-ha-ha!&quot; Like that [[w:Tales from the Crypt (TV series)|Crypt Keeper dude]], you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? &quot;Welcome, boils and ghouls!&quot; ''[cackles]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If you are watching, you might just get a ''head''.&quot; ''[evil cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in ''skull''.&quot; Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, from dead people.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new ''tomb''-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-''tomb''?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a ''bone''-r.&quot; ''[cackles]'' You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it ''into the ground''. ''[evil cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': But I'm getting ''grave'' reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, &quot;You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
:'''Jon''': ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!&quot;

===[https://www.youtube.com/@csknives Cold Steel]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PQiaurIiDM Chinese War Sword]===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy must score so hard.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I want ''this'' job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Stupid people kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]''
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this doofus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a disgrace to the family. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says &quot;Definitely try this at home.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And do not ask your parents' permission.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Dee]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict/video/7370869433591532842 How to Make Tattoo Ink in Prison]===
:'''Dee''': How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy is ''definitely'' a criminal. What accent is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, a prison accent. 
:'''Beavis''': I wanna talk like that. ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
:'''Dee''': Twist it up very tight...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Twist it up real tight. 
:'''Dee''': Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
:'''Beavis''': Set your box over top of it. 
:'''Dee''': Set the box on two pencils...
:'''Butt-head''': Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
:'''Dee''': After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
:'''Beavis'''  After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. ''[talking normally]'' This like, makes me want to go to jail.
:'''Dee''': Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash. 
:'''Beavis''': What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, &quot;Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's back at his mom's. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, &quot;Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!&quot;

===Diving with Bull Sharks===
:''[as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh, cool yeah! [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]] kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does.
:'''Beavis''': You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
:'''Butt-head''': It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
:'''Beavis''': That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
:'''Butt-head''': Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay, just one more. 
:'''Beavis''': No, Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
:'''Butt-head''': She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yea yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. ''[cackles]''

===[https://www.youtube.com/@DrainMedic Drain Medic]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udw2bij2pwg Clogged Drain #124]===
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe]'' That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he [[w:Colonoscopy|sticks the camera up your butt every five years]]. It's mandatory.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, &quot;Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.

===[https://youtube.com/@gibiasmr?si=erG8vxPID-0eBjYP Gibi]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDWMKHKS44&amp;t=18s Slow &amp; Gentle-ASMR]===
:'''Gibi'''&quot; ''[whispering]'' Hello everybody. It's... ''[clicks]'' Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. ''[Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion]'' I'm gonna start with...
:'''Beavis''': What is this, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' It's called [[w:ASMR|ASMR]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' You need to speak more quietly, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sorry. ''[whispering]'' This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep. 
:'''Gibi''': ''[still whispering]'' This is a baby pink...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gibi''': ''[moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering]'' Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I am going to ''kick'' the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do ''not'' spank your monkey. 
:''[Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! ''[slowly slaps Beavis]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, no Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[talking normally]'' What'd you say, Butt-head? ''[gets slapped] Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, sorry.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@theanatomylab Institute of Human Anatomy]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH39-HeL6mw Will a Cow's Eye Bounce?]===
:'''Butt-head''': I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
:'''Beavis''': You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
:'''Beavis''': To spank my monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@KentSurvival Kent Survival]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZWw-LqXkI Bushcraft Breakfast]===
:'''Kent''': You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will ''never'' score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I don't see how he could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this the outback or something?
:'''Butt-head''': He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?&quot; ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
:'''Beavis''': And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why didn't he just, like, get some [[w:Froot Loops|Froot Loops]] or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Kent cooks a large breakfast]'' He's like, &quot;I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah.&quot; ''[Kent starts making orange juice]'' &quot;Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone.&quot;
:'''Kent''': That was lovely...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''[as Kent puts on his backpack]'' &quot;And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': She'll be like &quot;You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Just smash that find my wife button.&quot;

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Heidi Lavon]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon/video/7062092305196567855?lang=en How to Shake Your Meat]===
:'''Heidi''': Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heidi''': I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[cackling]'' She said &quot;big meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[trying to pay attention to the video]'' Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
:'''Heidi''': ...if you've got little meat...
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;little meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
:'''Heidi''': You can go all on the ball of your foot...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ball of your foot.&quot; ''[cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said &quot;meat,&quot; she said &quot;big meat,&quot; &quot;small meat,&quot; she said &quot;balls,&quot; okay, are you done?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Beavis tries to shake his butt]'' You have no ass.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You look like two legs shoved into a back.

===Lizard Dinner===
:''[as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]''
:'''Butt-head''': Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I would never do that.

===[https://youtube.com/@quarterhoarder?si=HislDGaeoznIg8Ci Quarter Hoarder]|[https://youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1RHOUEQ_o Metal Detecting]===
:'''Jason''': ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... ''[Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy]'' Ohh!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. The word &quot;cool&quot; means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's nothing cool about that. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean, I used to eat my toy [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]] and [[w:Tonka|Tonka]] trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a [[w:Lego|Lego]] pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now ''that'', I showed people. I did do that. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. ''[they cackle]'' And then he retired.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@relaxwithrafe2573 Relax with Rafe]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVUCRAD8-I Relax with Rafe]===
:'''Rafe''': Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice your breath.&quot; Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
:'''Rafe''': You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks.&quot; This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;And you may not notice my hands even getting lower.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?

===[https://www.youtube.com/@AnitaSirene Anita Sirene]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvLeo2iB1qs Your Future Self]===
:'''Stargirl the Practical Witch''': ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
:'''Old Beavis''': No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 year. Come on.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': Yeah, yeah...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
:'''Old Beavis''': No.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, a cousin?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
:'''Old Beavis''': I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you're ''sitting'' on a couch. 
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no- ''[suddenly slapped by Butt-head]'' Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
:'''Old Butt-head''': Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': I guess you are pretty good then.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@voicelessondotcom Voice Lesson.com]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOYDSo-ZFBg Want a Smooth Voice? Do This:]===
:''[as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is kinda catchy. ''[singing]'' Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. ''[singing slightly off-key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
:'''Beavis''': No, you're off, Butt-head. ''[singing in key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[singing]'' One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. One two three one?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty! 
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
:'''Beavis''': It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? [[w:Adele|Adele]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@NelaZisser Nela Zisser]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia6KI5dLeHI New Zealand Girl Eats 10 Big Macs]===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten [[w:Big Mac|Big Macs]] in a row?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and &quot;meat is murder.&quot; 
:''[Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''[enthusiastically head-banging]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
:'''Beavis''': This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. ''[as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola]'' Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
:'''Butt-head''': At this point, it's all mental.
:'''Beavis''': You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
:'''Butt-head''': And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}
*{{tv.com show|beavis-and-butthead|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011) was an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]].&amp;nbsp; It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]].&amp;nbsp; In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.

{{center|
Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music video commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming commentary]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

==Beavis and Butt-head's Cinema Classics==
:'''Butt-head''': Good evening. Tonight, Beavis and I will be discussing a wonderful and inspiring film canned ''[[w:The Human Centipede (First Sequence)|The Human Centipede]].'' In this movie, a German doctor surgically connects this chick's mouth to another chick's butt, then he connects that chick's mouth to a Chinese dude's butt, creating a Siamese triplet called the human centipede.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, you know it really is uplifting. 
:'''Butt-head''': Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and love. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they also learn what human butt tastes like. At least two of them do.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That's uplifting.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Josef Heiter''': The Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passed through B, extraction, through C.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the butt.
 
==MTV Programming==
===''Cuff'd''===
:'''John''': You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
:'''Roger''': His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not ''that'' dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, &quot;Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roger''': You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
:'''Beavis''': Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?! 
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are just so cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.

===''[[w:Ghosted: Love Gone Missing|Ghosted: Love Gone Missing]]''===
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this better be good.
:'''Beavis''': We gotta pay attention.
:'''Dante''': The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
:'''Giovanna''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... what?
:'''Beavis''': Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that can't be right.
:'''Dante''': You're like a fucking rabbit.
:'''Beavis''': Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! ''[With eyes bugging out]'' He's a lousy sonofabitch!
:'''Butt-head''': He sure is.
:'''Beavis''': How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
:'''Butt-head''': Jesus Christ.
:'''Dante''': ...multiple times a day, every day.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
:'''Butt-head''': Exactly.
:'''Beavis''': You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
:'''Butt-head''': For once, I'm not gonna say, &quot;settle down, Beavis.&quot; You're absolutely right.
:'''Beavis''': I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! ''[He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage]'' Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[kicking the TV into oblivion]'' Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
:'''Beavis''': ''[bashing the TV with the rock]'' You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! ''[Finished, he walks back to the couch]'' Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's how you take care of that.
:'''Beavis''': That'll teach him a lesson.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': We don't have a TV anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um... why not? ''[realizing]'' Oh, yeah.

===''[[w:How Far is Tattoo Far?|How Far is Tattoo Far?]]''===
:'''[[w:Nico Tortella|Nico Tortella]]''': ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did ''not'' come to play...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;But he did ''nooot'' come to play.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': What is this anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... Diarrhea?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
:'''Beavis''': You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
:''[the tattoo reads &quot;Will you marry me?!&quot;]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this also says &quot;diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now ''that'' looks like diarrhea, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as someone begins to propose]'' Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, &quot;Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, &quot;Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Through diarrhea and health.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;I do-doo.&quot;

===''[[Jersey Shore]]''===
:'''[[w:JWoww|Jenni Jwoww]]''':&amp;nbsp; When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, &quot;Oh, where'd you make pizza?&quot;&amp;nbsp; Bitch, I made it in Florence!&amp;nbsp; That's where I made pizza!
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''':&amp;nbsp; So she's gonna call her grandkids &quot;bitch&quot;?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Please don't hit us again.&quot;&amp;nbsp; Yeah, &quot;Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?&quot;
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!&quot;

&lt;hr width=/&gt;
:'''[[w:Vinny Guadagnino|Vinny]]''': She ''loves'' hot salami!
:'''[[w:Snooki|Snooki]]''': Vinny,  shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[annoyed]'' Yeah yeah,  she loves hot salami, see he means schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating the Italian cook]'' You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Deena Nicole Cortese|Deena]]''':  I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Ronnie Ortiz-Magro|Ronnie]]''': Go!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
:'''Butt-head''': You're wasting all our time!
:'''Beavis''': What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': Space means,  like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys. 
:'''Butt-head''': Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So is Snooki a Gorilla?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': ... I have to poop. 
:'''Butt-head''': Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
:'''Beavis''': And if so, where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': What I would ''love'' to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on [[w:Match.com|Match.com]] again.
:'''Manager''': Start to work faster!
:'''Butt-head''': She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
:'''Beavis''': He was like, &quot;I have all these qualities.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Snooki is arrested]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
:'''Snooki''': ''[sobbing]'' Is this really happening right now?
:'''Beavis''': ''[slurring mockingly]'' &quot;This is really happenengh???&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': She sounds like that [https://youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube].

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Snooki''': I'm a whore, hello?
:'''Butt-head''': That's how she answers the phone. 
:'''Beavis''': She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;I'm a whore, welcome to [[w:Costco|Costco]].&quot;

===''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''===
:'''Megan''': Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant...&quot;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; This chick is a horrible actor.
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Yeah, really.
:'''Nathan''':&amp;nbsp; [''playing Xbox''] I got nothing better to do.
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uhh, wait a minute.&amp;nbsp; I think this is real!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Oh yeah, yeah!&amp;nbsp; So she's not a bad actor then!&amp;nbsp;  Just a bad person.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Megan''':&amp;nbsp; I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; [''shot of Nathan looking out a window'']&amp;nbsp; See?&amp;nbsp; He's looking for a job!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; Gotta be one out there somewhere…

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it would be called &quot;I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna a Get Pregnant.&quot;

===''[[w:MTV Cribs|Teen Cribs]]''===
:''[as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''16 and Pregnant''?
:'''Beavis''': Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Russ''': One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
:'''Butt-head''': When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids...&quot;
:'''Russ''': It's more an experiment...
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
:'''Butt-head''': He's got his hand up his wife's butt. ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot;I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Russ]'' &quot; And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here...&quot;

===''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]''===
:''[as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]''
:'''Butt-head''': Great. He has a mustache. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, and notify all the guys.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farrah''':&amp;nbsp; I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; ''I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-''
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; [''spits soda in surprise'']&amp;nbsp; You can get a loan for big boobs?!
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Uh…wow!
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sherry''':&amp;nbsp; [''showing Farrah waivers'']&amp;nbsp; This is where you sign your life away.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael (Farrah's father)''':&amp;nbsp; [''after her breast augmentation'']&amp;nbsp; Looking good.
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Did her dad just say &quot;Looking good&quot;?
:'''Beavis''':&amp;nbsp; &quot;Nice boobs, honey!&quot;

===''[[w:True Life|True Life]]''===
====I'm Addicted to Porn====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Brandon''': Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. ''[smokes a cigar]'' It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What to do...
:'''Beavis''': Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
:'''Butt-head''': Porn, porn, porn... ''[Brandon adjusts his glasses]'' Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, watched so much porn, he's starting like a schlong.

====I Have a Paranormal Ability====
:'''Butt-head''': Toot's... Squatch...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together]'' She's like, &quot;I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Squatch''':&amp;nbsp; Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night.&amp;nbsp; Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
:'''Sammie Jo'''&amp;nbsp; …and what did [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]] say?
:'''Butt-head''':&amp;nbsp; Jesus said she could do better.

====I'm Living Off the Grid====
:''[an elderly bearded man is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Is that [[w:Gandalf|Gandalf]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know they had homeless people in Middle-Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tamarack''': First of all, make sure we are gathering respectfully. ''[holding clam shells]'' This clam here is an elder. These are the clams that ought to be respected, because they've lived a long time. They have their genetic heritage to pass on to the young. 
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this guy has more rules than the army. A dirty, stinky, itchy, smelly army.
:'''Beavis''': And beardy. You know, it's a bunch of disgusting homeless people.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tamarack without his shirt on]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! When did his shirt come off?
:'''Tamarack''': ''[to a follower]'' Sit and connect?
:'''Butt-head''': Gandalf is ready to connect.
:'''Tamarack''': What are you feeling?
:'''Follower''': Right now, a lot of shame. I just went for a walk. I took a can of pop.
:'''Tamarack''': With the experience with the clams, I don't think any differently of you because of it.
:'''Follower''': It was the clams that made it hurt. 
:'''Tamarack''': Can you pull up your inner resilience?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;And then you can pull ''my'' inner resilience.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Is anyone looking?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Gandalf will show you some shame, now back to your tent and take off your clothes!

====I Have a Fetish====
:'''Andrew''': My name is Andrew, I'm 27 years old, and I have a foot fetish.
:'''Beavis''': Foot fetish? What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's like where chick's feet give you a boner.
:'''Beavis''': I mean, just from looking at them?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. And I think sometimes, they like, touch them, and like queer off with their feet?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa really? What if kids see this?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Andrew ends a video call]'' Oh good, she's gone. Now back to FootTube.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Andrew meets Leslie at the airport]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's like, &quot;Hey, what do you say we go over to airport security and watch people take their shoes off?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he should get a job there.
:'''Butt-head''': Then he could get paid to have a boner all day long.

==Youtube/TikTok Videos==
===[https://www.youtube.com/@AlyssasAnimalSanctuary Alyssa's Animal Sanctuary]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO8ViMYtK_s Good Morning Farm]===
:'''Alyssa''': ''[approaching a piglett]'' Good morning, Wilbur!
:'''Butt-head''': That thing sounds like you, Beavis. ''[imitating the pig snorts]''
:'''Beavis''': No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's the star of [[w:Charlotte's Web (1973 movie)|that movie]] where there's like a [[w:Charlotte's Web|really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog]]. It's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. He was like &quot;Oh, this is educational. Blegh...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It was a tear-jerker.
:'''Beavis''': Jerker...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like a prison for animals or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@JONSBONES The Bone Museum]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw3CVEBA8_Y&amp;t=61s Unboxing Human Skulls]===
:'''Jon''': Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's messed up.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, &quot;Hey guys, I'm super excited.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. You start out like, &quot;Nyah-ha-ha-ha!&quot; Like that [[w:Tales from the Crypt (TV series)|Crypt Keeper dude]], you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? &quot;Welcome, boils and ghouls!&quot; ''[cackles]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If you are watching, you might just get a ''head''.&quot; ''[evil cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in ''skull''.&quot; Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, from dead people.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new ''tomb''-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-''tomb''?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a ''bone''-r.&quot; ''[cackles]'' You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it ''into the ground''. ''[evil cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': But I'm getting ''grave'' reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, &quot;You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
:'''Jon''': ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!&quot;

===[https://www.youtube.com/@csknives Cold Steel]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PQiaurIiDM Chinese War Sword]===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy must score so hard.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I want ''this'' job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Stupid people kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]''
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this doofus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a disgrace to the family. 
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says &quot;Definitely try this at home.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And do not ask your parents' permission.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Dee]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@scconvict/video/7370869433591532842 How to Make Tattoo Ink in Prison]===
:'''Dee''': How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy is ''definitely'' a criminal. What accent is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, a prison accent. 
:'''Beavis''': I wanna talk like that. ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
:'''Dee''': Twist it up very tight...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating a southern accent]'' Twist it up real tight. 
:'''Dee''': Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
:'''Beavis''': Set your box over top of it. 
:'''Dee''': Set the box on two pencils...
:'''Butt-head''': Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
:'''Dee''': After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
:'''Beavis'''  After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. ''[talking normally]'' This like, makes me want to go to jail.
:'''Dee''': Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash. 
:'''Beavis''': What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, &quot;Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': No, he's back at his mom's. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, &quot;Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!&quot;

===Diving with Bull Sharks===
:''[as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh, cool yeah! [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]] kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does.
:'''Beavis''': You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
:'''Butt-head''': It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
:'''Beavis''': That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
:'''Butt-head''': Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay, just one more. 
:'''Beavis''': No, Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
:'''Butt-head''': She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yea yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. ''[cackles]''

===[https://www.youtube.com/@DrainMedic Drain Medic]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udw2bij2pwg Clogged Drain #124]===
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe]'' That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he [[w:Colonoscopy|sticks the camera up your butt every five years]]. It's mandatory.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, &quot;Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.

===[https://youtube.com/@gibiasmr?si=erG8vxPID-0eBjYP Gibi]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDWMKHKS44&amp;t=18s Slow &amp; Gentle-ASMR]===
:'''Gibi'''&quot; ''[whispering]'' Hello everybody. It's... ''[clicks]'' Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. ''[Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion]'' I'm gonna start with...
:'''Beavis''': What is this, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' It's called [[w:ASMR|ASMR]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing. 
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' You need to speak more quietly, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sorry. ''[whispering]'' This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep. 
:'''Gibi''': ''[still whispering]'' This is a baby pink...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gibi''': ''[moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering]'' Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I am going to ''kick'' the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do ''not'' spank your monkey. 
:''[Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! ''[slowly slaps Beavis]''
:'''Beavis''': ''[whispering]'' Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
:'''Butt-head''': ''[whispering]'' Uh, no Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[talking normally]'' What'd you say, Butt-head? ''[gets slapped] Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, sorry.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@theanatomylab Institute of Human Anatomy]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH39-HeL6mw Will a Cow's Eye Bounce?]===
:'''Butt-head''': I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
:'''Beavis''': You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
:'''Beavis''': To spank my monkey!
:'''Butt-head''': So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@KentSurvival Kent Survival]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HZWw-LqXkI Bushcraft Breakfast]===
:'''Kent''': You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will ''never'' score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I don't see how he could.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this the outback or something?
:'''Butt-head''': He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?&quot; ''[they both cackle]''
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
:'''Beavis''': And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why didn't he just, like, get some [[w:Froot Loops|Froot Loops]] or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Kent cooks a large breakfast]'' He's like, &quot;I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah.&quot; ''[Kent starts making orange juice]'' &quot;Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone.&quot;
:'''Kent''': That was lovely...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''[as Kent puts on his backpack]'' &quot;And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': She'll be like &quot;You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Just smash that find my wife button.&quot;

===[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon?is_from_webapp=1&amp;sender_device=pc Heidi Lavon]|[https://www.tiktok.com/@heidilavon/video/7062092305196567855?lang=en How to Shake Your Meat]===
:'''Heidi''': Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Heidi''': I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[cackling]'' She said &quot;big meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': ''[trying to pay attention to the video]'' Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
:'''Heidi''': ...if you've got little meat...
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;little meat.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
:'''Heidi''': You can go all on the ball of your foot...
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Ball of your foot.&quot; ''[cackling]''
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said &quot;meat,&quot; she said &quot;big meat,&quot; &quot;small meat,&quot; she said &quot;balls,&quot; okay, are you done?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[as Beavis tries to shake his butt]'' You have no ass.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You look like two legs shoved into a back.

===Lizard Dinner===
:''[as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]''
:'''Butt-head''': Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I would never do that.

===[https://youtube.com/@quarterhoarder?si=HislDGaeoznIg8Ci Quarter Hoarder]|[https://youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1RHOUEQ_o Metal Detecting]===
:'''Jason''': ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... ''[Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy]'' Ohh!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. The word &quot;cool&quot; means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's nothing cool about that. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean, I used to eat my toy [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]] and [[w:Tonka|Tonka]] trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a [[w:Lego|Lego]] pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now ''that'', I showed people. I did do that. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. ''[they cackle]'' And then he retired.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@relaxwithrafe2573 Relax with Rafe]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVUCRAD8-I Relax with Rafe]===
:'''Rafe''': Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice your breath.&quot; Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
:'''Rafe''': You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks.&quot; This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Rafe]'' &quot;And you may not notice my hands even getting lower.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?

===[https://www.youtube.com/@AnitaSirene Anita Sirene]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvLeo2iB1qs Your Future Self]===
:'''Stargirl the Practical Witch''': ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
:'''Old Beavis''': No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 year. Come on.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': Yeah, yeah...
:'''Old Butt-head''': Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
:'''Old Beavis''': No.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, a cousin?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
:'''Old Beavis''': I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
:'''Old Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, you're ''sitting'' on a couch. 
:'''Old Beavis''': No, no- ''[suddenly slapped by Butt-head]'' Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
:'''Old Butt-head''': Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
:'''Old Beavis''': I guess you are pretty good then.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@voicelessondotcom Voice Lesson.com]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOYDSo-ZFBg Want a Smooth Voice? Do This:]===
:''[as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, this is kinda catchy. ''[singing]'' Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. ''[singing slightly off-key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
:'''Beavis''': No, you're off, Butt-head. ''[singing in key]'' Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mark''': ''[singing]'' One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. One two three one?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Beavis''': Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty! 
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
:'''Beavis''': It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? [[w:Adele|Adele]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.

===[https://www.youtube.com/@NelaZisser Nela Zisser]|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia6KI5dLeHI New Zealand Girl Eats 10 Big Macs]===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten [[w:Big Mac|Big Macs]] in a row?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and &quot;meat is murder.&quot; 
:''[Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''[enthusiastically head-banging]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
:'''Beavis''': This is great!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. ''[as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola]'' Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
:'''Butt-head''': At this point, it's all mental.
:'''Beavis''': You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
:'''Butt-head''': And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}
*{{tv.com show|beavis-and-butthead|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorisation probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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{{mergeto|Beavis and Butt-head}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022-present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It follows the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. Interspersed with the episodes were [[w:music video|music videos]], viewed and commented on by the two title characters.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

&lt;!-- Feel free to add more music videos; however, please alphabetize them and put the artist first, then the song. --&gt;

==#==
===[[w:2 Unlimited|2 Unlimited]], &quot;[[w:Get Ready for This|Get Ready For This]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''': Um, is this football?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''': Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You know what this is?  This is ''[[w:Telemundo|Telemundo]]''!  [''gibbers in Spanish'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking.  And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That guy's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, &quot;Aprenda, [''Spanish gibberish''].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I bet he scores constantly!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what I think I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that.  And then, I will ''score'' all the time!
:'''Butt-head''': Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff?  That would probably work.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Hey baby, ¿quieres [[w:Buñuelo|buñuelo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, &quot;[''Spanish gibberish'']&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, they'd like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This music kind of sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't even music, really.  This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;How much for your organ, sir?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son.  Please don't touch it.&quot;

===[[w:3OH!3|3OH!3]], &quot;[[w:Touchin' on My|Touchin' on My]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Referring to man walking with stereo''] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
:'''Beavis''': Not a care in the world, you know?
:[''The guy is hit by a car'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A naked man appears from the front'']
:'''Beavis''': There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it. 
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they compliment each other, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe? 
:'''Beavis''': See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet deaf people hate them too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm glad these guys found each other. 
:'''Beavis''': I wonder how they met.
:'''Butt-head''': They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like &quot;Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office. 
:'''Beavis''': Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!

===[[w:7 Year Bitch|7 Year Bitch]], &quot;Hip Like Junk&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before.  This chick beats herself in the head later.  It's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  This is gonna be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  You know what this band is called?  It's called 7 Year BITCH!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Also, it helps when they're [''suave voice''] ''sexy!''  ''Ye-eah!  Ooh!  That's a fine lady!  Yeah.  These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh...okay, here it comes.  Here she goes.  [''lead singer [[w:Selene Vigil-Wilk|Selene Vigil]] hits her open hands against her head''] YEAH, YEAH!  HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH!  YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Selene Vigil''': We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what do you mean?  You mean, like, like ''we're'' stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I don't know!  I'm not some [[w:Rocket science|rocket]]...uh, some rocketship or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

==A==
===[[w:a-ha|a-ha]], &quot;[[w:Take On Me|Take On Me]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, [[w:elevator|elevator]] music?

===[[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdul]], &quot;[[w:Crazy Cool|Crazy Cool]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Why?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause I have to take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [''Beavis gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… [[w:Epidermis (skin)|epidermis]].
:'''Beavis''': Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [''leaves again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

===[[AC/DC]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (song)|Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Angus Young|Angus Young]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Malcolm Young|Malcolm]] is cool, too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Phil Rudd|That drummer]] is old.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did Phil Rudd die?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That was that [[w:Bon Scott|Bon Scott]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a clip of a man with a halo is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy is special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing with [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]]''] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Sing it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Dirty deeds are cool.  Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever done a dirty deed?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I spanked my monkey one time.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys always wear the same clothes.  That's cool!  Hey.  ''We'' always wear the same clothes!  I've had this shirt on for six months.
:'''Beavis''': I've had this on for ''seven'' months.

====&quot;[[w:Highway to Hell (song)|Highway to Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] looks like he's taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!

====&quot;[[w:You Shook Me All Night Long|You Shook Me All Night Long]]&quot;====
:[''[[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's naked!  Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Look!  Boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs.  That's cool!

===[[Accept (band)|Accept]], &quot;Balls to the Wall&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You got a backstage pass, sir?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates the lead singer's German accent'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where did this guy come from?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he ''is'' saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Usually, [[w:demolition|demolition]] and [[destruction]] is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some [[fire]] in this video, it would still suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look! It's [[w:Krokus (Band)|Krokus]] coming to kick their ass. It's ''The [[Night of the Living Dead|Night of the Living Bands That Suck]]''.

===[[w:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]], [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]], and [[Sting (musician)|Sting]], &quot;[[w:All for Love (song)|All for Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGGHH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh dear Lord!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHHHH!
:[''the two start vomiting'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it.  This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, the [[w:Traveling Wilburys|Traveling Wilburys]].
:'''Beavis''': The Traveling Dingleberries?  I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt.  Come on, Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.  I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I think it, like, messes up the tape.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Aerosmith]]===
::''See also: Aerosmith, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot; by Aerosmith|&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.''

====&quot;[[w:Livin' on the Edge|Livin' on the Edge]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are pretty tough!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I didn't know girls were cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check it out!  Where's his penis?
:'''Beavis''': It's in his hand, where it always is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  Even though they're 60.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one guy's 69.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks'']
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like Vanilli.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching'']
:'''Beavis''': Hit him!  Hit him!  Hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Just keep playing!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything's cool.  [''Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes''] Aogh!  That sucked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should've waited longer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  [''car crashes, airbags deploy''] Aogh!  [[w:Airbag|Airbags]] suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Rag Doll (Aerosmith song)|Rag Doll]]&quot;====
:[''a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]!
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;Buttafuoco.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do you think &quot;Buttafuoco&quot; means?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;back door.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about Steven Tyler''] Dude looks like a lady!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Speakeasy on the grapevine...
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis,  I thought ''you'' were [[daddy]]'s little cutie.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!

===[[Alice in Chains]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Stay Away|I Stay Away]]&quot;====
:[''video is entirely claymation'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  Boy, they sure look different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll buy that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown?  And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [''a woman's nipple is shown''] Whoa, check it out!  I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...no it wasn't!  W - what do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh.  Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I could go get some clay ''now'' and make a boob with a nipple on it.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Um...wait a minute.  You have some clay?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Damn.  Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob.  Yeah.  Maybe a butt, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Last time, you just made an ashtray.  It sucked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well, you made a baseball.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  So then you made ''that''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But not out of clay.

====&quot;[[w:Man in the Box|Man in the Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Right on, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
:'''Beavis''': Fences are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Especially electric fences.
:'''Beavis''': [''chanting''] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he saw that [[w:Winger (band)|Winger]] video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!

====&quot;[[w:Them Bones|Them Bones]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a [[baby]].
:'''Butt-head''': How did ''that'' happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video I've ever [[seen]] in my [[life]].

===[[w:Alien Sex Fiend|Alien Sex Fiend]], &quot;Now I'm Feeling Zombified&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]! Skulls!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy looks pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [''Beavis turns the volume all the way down'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That's better. [''Starts humming metal music'']
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing along''] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! All I need is clown makeup. 
:'''Butt-head''': I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're cool.

===[[Tori Amos]]===
====&quot;Crucify&quot;====
:'''Tori Amos''': I wanna spit in their faces…
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna spit on someone?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tori Amos''': I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitating Dave Mustaine''] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many [[w:music video|videos]] are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
:'''Beavis''': At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
:'''Beavis''': Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see [[Psycho (1960 film)|that soap commercial]] where that chick gets stabbed? [''Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score''] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch. That's that [[Deliverance|movie about those guys in the woods]].
:'''Beavis''': They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [''imitates stabbing movements again''] REE! REE! REE! REE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, a commercial for [[w:VH1|VH1]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;The difference between you and your parents&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;God&quot;====
:[''video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rats are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Somebody better call the Orkin Man.  [''Tori Amos is holding a candle''] Whoa, candle!  Candle!  Candle!  Candle!
:'''Butt-head''': Candles rule.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, &quot;AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!&quot; and then you wake up.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em.  He usually gives me one for my birthday.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes'']
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is psycho!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man.  I'd, like, stay away from her.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
:'''Beavis''': That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They get all psycho!

===[[w:Anthrax (American band)|Anthrax]], &quot;Hy Pro Glo&quot;===
::''See also: Anthrax, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot; covered by Anthrax|&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.''

:'''Butt-head''': The army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that [[w:Scott Ian|Scott dude]] is in the army.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah: &quot;Today's army rocks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|National Anthem]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, the National Anthrax.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, [[w:The Judds|the Judds]] could come out and go: &quot;'''''I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bomb is shown exploding'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
:'''Beavis:''': Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.

===[[w:Archers of Loaf|Archers of Loaf]], &quot;Web in Front&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Oh!  Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that pig can score, and we ''can't?''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, if pigs had a video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': and like, we were in that video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...then like, we could score.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  You mean, like, with a pig?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  With a chick in the video!
:'''Beavis''': With a chicken??
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's that?
:'''Butt-head''': Just a regular chick!
:'''Beavis''': Ohh!  Oh, oh, oh.  Oh, I see.  Yeah.  Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's the deal with this short dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
:'''Beavis''': Really.  It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]], &quot;Close (To the Edit)&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's holding a wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You know that video about that guy who lost his penis?  He should watch ''this'' video!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not his penis, Beavis!  Uh [''chuckles'']...his Beavis, penis!  Penis, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP!  Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least ''my'' name doesn't rhyme with &quot;penis.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Your mom's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom.  We're talking about how your name sounds like &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]] with [[w:Tom Jones (singer)|Tom Jones]], &quot;[[w:Kiss (Prince song)|Kiss]]&quot;===
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be beautiful...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I'm beautiful?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]] sure is old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's ''white!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has that disease, like [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He got it from Prince.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you just have to be stupid.
:'''Tom Jones''': ...kiss.
:'''Butt-head''': Kiss ''this!''  [''Beavis moons the TV screen'']
:'''Beavis''': I like that song &quot;[[w:Gett Off|Gett Off]]&quot; better.  And &quot;[[w:Cream (Prince song)|Cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;get off.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  This isn't Prince!  This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==B==
===[[w:Babes in Toyland (band)|Babes in Toyland]], &quot;[[w:Bruise Violet|Bruise Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. These chicks rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Kat Bjelland|Kat Bjelland]]: [[Liar]].'']
:'''Beavis''': [[Fire]]?
:[''Kat Bjelland: Liar.'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, assmunch, she said &quot;liar.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Are you calling me a liar?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.

===[[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]], &quot;[[w:Venus_(Shocking_Blue_song)#Bananarama_version|Venus]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing along with group'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm your Beavis!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what [[w:penis|rhymes with]] &quot;Venus&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Um…um…venus…[[w:Venus Flytrap|Venus Flytrap]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks should marry [[GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And they would rule [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].
:'''Butt-head''': They would rule the entire world.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Satan's got back!

===[[w:Band Aid (band)|Band Aid]], &quot;[[w:Do They Know It's Christmas?|Do They Know It's Christmas?]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this fartknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
:'''Butt-head''': He should like, go to the doctor, and say: &quot;''Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH! It's that ''dude''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's that [[w:Boy George|Boy chick]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Phil Collins is seen playing the drums'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a ''dork''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

===[[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], &quot;[[w:Manic Monday|Manic Monday]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these girls [[sex|bang]] elves. Hey, Beavis, would you [[sex|bangle]] her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are the kind of [[girls]] that won't [[talk]] to us.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, these are a bunch of [[rich]] chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they're [[afraid]] of our [[love]].

===[[w:Toni Basil|Toni Basil]], &quot;[[w:Mickey (song)|Mickey]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's ''this?''  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This is stupid!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Dire Straits|Dire Straits]] again?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These cheerleaders are fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is stupid!  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, wait a minute.  Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

===[[w:Battles (band)|Battles]] feat. [[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;My Machines&quot;===
:[''a man begins falling down an escalator'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a [[w:Cinnabon|Cinnabon]]! Maybe some [[w:Dippin' Dots|Dippin' Dots]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [''Imitates music'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His kid's probably like &quot;uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?&quot; He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator. 

===[[Beastie Boys]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pass the Mic|Pass the Mic]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's about time.
:'''Beavis''': HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]] that [[w:Ad-Rock|this dude's]] [[w:Israel Horovitz|dad]] writes movies.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's like, he writes what they say.
:'''Beavis''': You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
:'''Butt-head''': No he writes it down before they say it!
:'''Beavis''': Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
:'''Butt-head''': He just, like, makes it up.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well anybody can do that!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he just like, writes &quot;kaboom&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': How about when like people are like, you know, [[w:sexual intercourse|naked and getting it on]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, he just writes &quot;squeak, squeak, squeak, wank&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Sabotage (song)|Sabotage]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time!
:'''Beavis''': It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [''hums the main riff'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''&quot;The Chief&quot; kicks through a steel gate'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [''Cochese kicks a concrete wall''] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries'']
:'''Beavis''': Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check this out!  See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Yauch|MCA]], in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads &quot;guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, when the real video finally comes out?
:'''Butt-head''': This is the video, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No way! That's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:DJ Hurricane|DJ Hurricane]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Fred Kelly as Bunny&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads &quot;starring Nathan Wind as Cochese&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
:'''Butt-head''': Cochese is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Horovitz|Ad-Rock]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's &quot;the Rookie&quot;, see? See Cochese back there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh.
:'''Beavis''': See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.

====&quot;So What'cha Want&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The forecast is partially cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beastie Boys''': I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating the Beastie Boys''] Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Gardena!  Gardena!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys are good dancers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I wish I was more like them.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.

===[[Beck]], &quot;[[w:Pay No Mind (Snoozer)|Pay No Mind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what's that noise?
:'''Butt-head''': It's Satan, dumbass. [''imitates warbled tape'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Tonight the city is full of morgues…
:'''Butt-head''': Tonight, the city's full of whores?
:'''Beavis''': I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beck is wearing a shirt that says &quot;Rock Me&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out Beavis, his shirt says &quot;Kick me&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, kick him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
:'''Beavis''': Those guys always, like, write words like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. &quot;The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky.&quot; That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…hmm. I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing a policeman run into a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

===[[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gees]], &quot;[[w:Jive Talkin'|Jive Talkin']]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Black Crowes|the Black Crowes]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with [[w:Anthrax (band)|Anthrax]] and [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. They're cool.

===[[w:Belly (band)|Belly]], &quot;[[w:Feed the Tree|Feed the Tree]]&quot;===
:[''video is set in a forest'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Trees.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you like [[w:Tanya Donelly|her]] hair up or down, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
:'''Beavis''': No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis!  What are your hands doing in your pocket?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just looking for my lighter.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.  You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Benny Benassi|Benny Benassi]], &quot;[[w:Satisfaction (Benny Benassi song)|Satisfaction]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with a hammer beating on a nail in rhythm to the beat]''
:'''Butt-head''': ''[chuckling]'' Nail. ''[A power drill is shown]'' Drill.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as multiple scantily clad women work construction equipment and dance to the music]''
:'''Beavis''': Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.
:'''Beavis''': What are they building?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like, ''erecting'' a structure... in my pants. 
:''[they chuckle]''
:'''Beavis''': You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good. 
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them. 
:'''Beavis''': They're like, &quot;Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real ''slow''.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:''[a woman working a jackhammer appears]''
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but longer.

===[[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]], &quot;[[w:Love Is a Battlefield|Love Is a Battlefield]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look!  She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is shown walking by a strip club with &quot;GIRLS&quot; flashing'']
:'''Beavis''':  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand'']
:'''Butt-head''': He touched her butt!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's a hooker!  [''Pat's father is shown''] His daughter's a hooker!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is singing in a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's singing to the homeless!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What are the homeless?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's shaking her boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  This video tells a story!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm pitching a tent!
:'''Butt-head''': This story sucks!  Change it.

===[[w:Big Country|Big Country]], &quot;[[w:In a Big Country|In a Big Country]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Those are cool!  I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Divers.  Go down!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This is, like, a [[w:James Bond in film|James Bong movie]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need that short guy, [[w:Oddjob|Handjob]] to come out.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;job&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, an [[w:Irish Spring|Irish Spring]] commercial?  [''bad Irish accent''] ''&quot;I might stronger than I care to be!&quot;''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;It is a manly soap.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!&quot; [''laughs uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I'll kick your ass!  [''Butt-head continues laughing''] Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]]===
====&quot;Punishment&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Nipple]] rings are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys kick ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they could kick our ass.

====&quot;Tales From the Hard Side&quot;====
:'''[[w:Evan Seinfeld|Evan Seinfeld]]''': Tales from the hard side!
:'''Butt-head''': Tales from the ''hard'' side?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Is that, like, stories about [[w:Erection|stiffies]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, &quot;Once upon a time, I had a stiffy.  And I lived happily ever after.  And that's my tale from the hard side.  Thank you, I'm Beavis.  Good night.&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah, me too. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music.  It's metal!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You just don't have any like, uh, imagination. 
:'''Beavis''': Um, I know.  I don't want any, either.  Imagination sucks!  It HURTS when I use my imagination! 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That dude can scream for a long time.
:'''Beavis''': No way, that's nothing!  Check this out. [''Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]] w/ [[w:Onyx (band)|Onyx]], &quot;Judgment Night&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass.
:'''Butt-head''': See, you did it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''You'' did it again, heh, Beavis.

===[[w:Bivouac (band)|Bivouac]], &quot;Cynic&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is boring.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
:'''Beavis''': If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
:'''Beavis''': No, no way!
:'''Butt-head''': You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It was cool!

===[[w:Biz Markie|Biz Markie]], &quot;[[w:Just A Friend|Just A Friend]]&quot;===
:[''Biz Markie is dressed as [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] and playing the harpsichord'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's dressed up like [[George Washington|that dude]] on the [[w:United_States_one-dollar_bill|dollar]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biz Markie''': You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
:'''Butt-head''': [''singing off-key''] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': [''also singing off-key''] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
:'''Beavis''': Me, too.
:'''Butt-head''': I would look pretty cool, huh?

===[[Björk|Björk]]===
====&quot;[[w:Army of Me|Army of Me]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is that, Bee-ork chick…
:'''Beavis''': I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Where did you hear that?
:'''Beavis''': This guy told me.  
:'''Butt-head''': What guy?
:'''Beavis''': This guy in the bathroom.  
:'''Butt-head''': You mean in the bathroom at school?
:'''Beavis''': No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  
:'''Beavis''': There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning. 
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. There's no one in there.
:'''Beavis''': Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.  
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a bunghole. [''exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard''] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [''re-enters''] There wasn't anybody in there.
:'''Beavis''': Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.  
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': Does he have like blond hair?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': And does he kinda talk like this? [''does a bad impression of Beavis''] &quot;Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. &quot;Yeah, yeah, Björk has a dong&quot;. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:Big Time Sensuality|Big Time Sensuality]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  That's a chick.  She's got his haircut, though. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a weirdo. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She's, like, one of those drama club teachers. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like they say, &quot;Be a tree&quot;. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Now be a sad tree.  Now be a happy tree!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Man.  This chick is out of her gourd! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's, like, completely whacked out. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money. 
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not like they're going around saying, &quot;We need a ''normal'' chick to dance on this truck.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 
:'''Butt-head''': I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Björk grabs her crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!  Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch. 
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  You're thinking of nads.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch?  Hmm.  I'll be damned.

===[[w:Black Francis|Frank Black]], &quot;[[w:Los Angeles (Frank Black song)|Los Angeles]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Black''': I met a man, he was a good man...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Frank Black''] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man!  Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera'']
:'''Butt-head''': Quit pointing that stick at me!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's just trying to show off.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who ''are'' these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Where's the fat guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a car is shown running over several light bulbs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Hey, Butt-head.  You know what we should do, like, in the meantime?  We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.

===[[w:The Black Crowes|Black Crowes]], &quot;High Head Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what spaceship?
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, [[w:Hypnotism|hypmotized]] me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
:'''Butt-head''': And you looked like a dork.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these little guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
:'''Butt-head''': They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

===[[Black Sabbath]], &quot;[[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Check it out!  [''screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Which one's [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy]]?
:'''Beavis''': That's him in the [[w:Members Only|Members Only]] jacket.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, that's Ozzy's son!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ozzy's older than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:[''the two imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are these guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch.  They're American.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  That was cool!  Milk poured out of his neck.

===[[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]], &quot;[[w:Galaxie (song)|Galaxie]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I ''do!''  They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis.  'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''sperm is shown in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come there's always sperm in videos now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't know, um...
:'''Butt-head''': I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, &quot;Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, really.  You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, this is Blind Melon!  Did you know all these guys are blind?
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I saw it on MTV News.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I'll be damned!  You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah.  Okay, Beavis.

===[[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]], &quot;[[w:Rapture (Blondie song)|Rapture]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This chick looks like that one porno star.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that ''[[w:Hairspray (1988 film)|Hairspray]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This chick's real name is [[w:Debbie Harry|Deborah Harry]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say &quot;Harry Deborah.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': How come?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this dork!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
:[''Debbie nudges him away'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think we have a winner.
:'''Beavis''': I think we have a wiener.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those commercials for [[w:K-tel|K-tel Records]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Hey, Beavis!  I hear disco is making a comeback!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Just dial 1-800-WUSS!&quot;

===[[w:Blues Traveler|Blues Traveler]], &quot;[[w:Run Around|Run Around]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! Where's that [[w:John Popper|big fat dude]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob bouncing around on the stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl. 
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember [[w:Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids|that cartoon]] that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go &quot;Hey Hey Hey!&quot;? 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [''In wobbling voice''] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy]] was this hot in the [[w:The Wizard of Oz (film)|movie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [''imitating an old man''] &quot;''Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV! Aaaoorrghh, it was rough!''&quot;

===[[Blur (band)|Blur]]===
====&quot;[[w:Chemical World|Chemical World]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
:'''Butt-head''': So? You are too!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
:'''Butt-head''': What's different about it?
:'''Beavis''': Um, it's a different wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna pee on a snail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a goat appears on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh?
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

====&quot;[[w:Parklife (song)|Parklife]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is a happy little tune.
:'''Beavis''': Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, is that [[w:Richard Dawson|that dude]] who's the host on [[w:Family Feud|Family Feud]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, nads?
:'''Butt-head''': Survey SAID!!! [''imitates buzzer''] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was &quot;ass&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it.
:'''Butt-head''': And I have to kick you there right now. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [''scoffs''] ''families''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Daniels''': I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell language is he speaking?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This must be English. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent''] 
:'''Butt-Head''': England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!

===[[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]]===
====&quot;Everybody's Crazy&quot;====
:'''Man in video''': Michael, are you crazy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Michael who?
:'''Beavis''': [[Michael Jackson]]?
:''[the conversation in the video continues'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not. [''embarrased''] Uhh…uh oh.
:'''Beavis''': What, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I think I just pooped in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can probably make any kind of music suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [''does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton''] &quot;'''''Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come chicks like this dude so much?
:'''Butt-head''': There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, &quot;Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:How Am I Supposed to Live Without You|How Am I Supposed to Live Without You]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh!
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Beavis''': UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': UUHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Augh!
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
:'''Beavis''': [''butting in''] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [''singing badly''] '''''THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!'''''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Remember that café in Paris?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': &quot;JEAN-PIERRE!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[Bon Jovi]]===
====&quot;In These Arms&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAGH!
:'''Butt-head''': UUGH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out! What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing Jon Bon Jovi'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Bridget Fonda|Bridget Fonda]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [[w:Baby Got Back|Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I'm a cowboy&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!&quot;
:'''Jon Bon Jovi''': Baby, I want you!
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] '''''BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!'''''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Like the roses want the rain&quot;? [''pauses''] That's stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

====&quot;Something For the Pain&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffing''] Bon Jovi.
:'''Beavis''': But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot; [''Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times''] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] 
:'''Butt-head''': If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [''Beavis kicks him in the testicles again''] AAAAHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

===[[w:Bow Wow Wow|Bow Wow Wow]], &quot;[[w:I Want Candy|I Want Candy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  Bumwipe.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Annabella Lwin|She]] should get naked.  [''Beavis laughs uncontrollably''] Shut up, Beavis!  You're slobbering all over me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's pretty friendly for a chick with a [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|Mohawk]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[Women|Chicks]] with Mohawks are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Does she want candy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
:'''Butt-head''': And some wacky wafers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians|Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians]], &quot;[[w:What I Am|What I Am]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to [[Edie Brickell]], who is squatting''] She's pinching a loaf.
:'''Butt-head''': That's [[disgusting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's [[married]] to that [[Paul Simon|short, old guy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that dude from [[Africa]] that used to be in [[The Beatles]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Edie Brickell]]''': [[Shove]] [[me]] in the shallow [[water]] before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': Huh, she said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again''] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again'']
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
:'''Beavis''': This chick is deep.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edie Brickell''': What I am is what I am…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;What I am.&quot; Didn't [[Popeye]] say that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

===[[Garth Brooks]], &quot;[[w:The Thunder Rolls|The Thunder Rolls]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) &quot;Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
:'''Beavis''': It looks like a zombie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to [[country music|country]] [[songs]] about [[w:whisky|whisky]], [[alcoholic beverages|drinkin']], and butt-kicking?

===Paul Broucek, &quot;Hollywood Halloween&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
:'''Beavis''': Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, ''dads''.
:'''Beavis''': Or uh, nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like [[Colonel Sanders]] was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': His &quot;drumstick&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! [''starts laughing''] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look, it's Batman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

===[[w:Julie Brown|Julie Brown]], &quot;[[w:Girl Fight Tonight!|Girl Fight Tonight!]]&quot;===
:'''Julie Brown''': Girl fight tonight!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, girl fight!  Yeah, yeah, chicks!  Yeah, yeah!  Here's some chicks!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not so fast, Beavis.  Those aren't chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
:'''Beavis''': Hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': and they're dressed up like chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's really dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Boy.  He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip''] Whoa!  Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's cool!  Yeah.  [''girl who got threatened backs against a wall''] I'll save you, baby!  I'll save you!  So long as you do it with me.  It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [''Japanese accent''] &quot;Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style!  Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, &quot;Yeah, she called me a bitch!  And I said, 'You're a slut!'  And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julie Brown''': That's right, you slut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you slut!
:'''Julie Brown''': I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, bitch!
:[''Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe'']
:'''Butt-head''': They should have done this at the ''beginning'' of the video!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Mud wrestling rules!

===[[w:BTS|BTS]], &quot;[[w:Dynamite (BTS song)|Dynamite]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... what? What did you just say? 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' Err, I didn't say anything. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... I thought I heard you say &quot;this kicks ass.&quot; Did you say that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No no, I was talking about something else.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying &quot;this kicks ass,&quot; but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is [[w:J-Hope|J-Hope]]. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like [[w:Suga (rapper)|Suga]].
:'''Butt-head''': You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': ''[defensive]'' I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. ''[leaves the room]''
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... ''[starts to dance to the song]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[coming back into the room]'' You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- ''[sees Beavis excitedly dancing and singing to the rhythm]'' Jesus Christ, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ''[flustered]'' Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on in here?!
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking about something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. ''Anything'' would be better than that.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is my house though. 
:'''Butt-head''': Not anymore, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. ''[leaves the room]'' I'll just come back later.
:'''Butt-head''': No. Never come back. Bunghole.

===[[w:The Bubblemen|The Bubblemen]], &quot;The Bubblemen Are Coming&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
:'''Butt-head''': No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
:'''Beavis''': Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wuss.
:'''Beavis''': [''a Bubbleman stares at the television''] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
:'''Butt-head''': How can you be scared of these guys?
:'''Beavis''': You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going &quot;Doing doing doing doing doing&quot;, and then they get medieval on my ass. [''a Bubbleman waves''] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [''the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones''] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
:'''Beavis''': Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [''the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball''] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wussy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

===[[w:The Bucketheads|The Bucketheads]], &quot;[[w:The Bomb (These Sounds Fall into My Mind)|The Bomb]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…who's this?
:'''Beavis''': This is Buk-a-hey!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the man in the video is seen with two women'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
:'''Beavis''': Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
:'''Beavis''': [''quickly''] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

===[[w:Built to Spill|Built to Spill]], &quot;In the Morning&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, so what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…[[w:Monica Seles|Monica Seles]].
:'''Butt-head''': How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well you know, I like to watch the [[w:Wimbledon|Wilbumdon]]. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, [[w:Steffi Graf|Stiffy Graf]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [''sings''] &quot;[[w:Stand (R.E.M. song)|Stand in the place where you live]],&quot; …yeah, that's what this was in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything sucks.

===[[Kate Bush]], &quot;Love and Anger&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, what is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Get up!
:'''Beavis''': Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': I wish she would stand up and leave.
:'''Beavis''': And I wish the music would stop too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
:[''Glitter begins to fall on her'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And she ''still'' won't get up.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe she's inside one of [[w:snowglobe|those things]], you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I like to break those.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap she's holding?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
:'''Butt-head''': …tools?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey check out those guys!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like someone said, &quot;Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this chick would just quit whining.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

===[[David Byrne]], &quot;Angels&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing''] [[w:Pinball Wizard|Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do [[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|this song]] before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  But he has long hair now.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no.  That's not what I said.  [''imitates the Talking Heads song &quot;Once in a Lifetime&quot;''] And you may ask yourself!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you may spank yourself!
:'''Butt-head''': And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
:'''Beavis''': And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!  And you may ask her, &quot;Where's the bathroom at?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David Byrne''': I can barely touch my own self...
:'''Butt-head''': He can't ''touch'' himself?
:'''Beavis''': Um... th - that's not really very funny.  I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to ''me'', could it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:[''the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head'']
:'''Beavis''': H - h - hey, wait!  W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a chick, was it?
:'''Beavis''': I think it ''was'', Butt-head.  I think a saw a couple boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis!  It'll give you a good buzz.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==C==
===[[w:Camila Cabello|Camila Cabello]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Yet|Don't Go Yet]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with Camila getting greeted at the door by her family, kissing the side of her face without contacting her face]''
:'''Butt-head''': They missed.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing. 
:'''Butt-head''': They're never gonna score. 
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, ''I'd'' score with them. I would ''not'' miss.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': When is Thanksgiving?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that's right. 
:'''Butt-head''': Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I mean a ''lot'' of dudes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, ''hundreds'' of dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say &quot;Beavis's mom.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They're like, &quot;See? It's easy!&quot; Come on, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.  
:'''Butt-head''': Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. I stand corrected. 
:'''Beavis''': Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, &quot;Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.

===[[w:Cage the Elephant|Cage the Elephant]], &quot;[[w:In One Ear (song)|In One Ear]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, check it out!  An Indian!
:'''Beavis''': You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And the principal didn't know either!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you know what &quot;Cage the Elephant&quot; means?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything means that!   But uh, in this case, it does.
:[''laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That guy just caged his elephant!

===[[w:California Raisins|California Raisins]], &quot;Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this? This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': They look kinda like turds!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
:'''Beavis''': They'd say: &quot;''I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!''&quot; It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of camels are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
:'''Butt-head''': Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'd say: &quot;''Drown you fecal matter!''&quot;

===Camino, &quot;Burning Fire&quot;===
:'''Song Intro''': We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is this like, choir music?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called &quot;Burning ''Fffire''&quot;, so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know. 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure hope so. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a woman shows her husband a pregnancy test]''
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, &quot;Oh, you've got [[w:COVID-19|COVID]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, &quot;Let's go celebrate!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.
:'''Beavis''': Side effects may include a burning fffire!
:'''Butt-head''': Camino is not suitable for anybody.  Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[an older couple is shown on screen, upset at something]''
:'''Beavis''': See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, &quot;He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;We did our best, honey, and he's still singing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.

===[[w:Cannibal Corpse|Cannibal Corpse]], &quot;Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''immitating the singer's growl''] OAAAA!  DAAAAUUUUGH!  Yeah.  It's like, everybody sings like this now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head!  It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.  
:'''Butt-head''': You go to pep rallies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably.  But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

===[[w:Carcass (band)|Carcass]], &quot;Heartwork&quot;===
:[''the band members have long blonde hair'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh…why would they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
:'''Beavis''': So like, um, how would you take a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
:'''Beavis''': Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This buttmunch sounds like [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What a buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
:'''Butt-head''': He did?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees a man being crucified''] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [''screams''] &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

===[[w:Cardi B|Cardi B]], &quot;[[w:WAP (song)|WAP]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Ski''': Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She was like, &quot;Can I answer any questions about the property?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yes there are, there are several whores in this house.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cardi B''' Macaroni in a pot, that's so wet and gushy...
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, &quot;Damp Vagina&quot;, well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, &quot;Damp Vagina.&quot;  Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well I wish we had some whores in ''this'' house. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.

===Carnival Art, &quot;Mr. Blue Veins&quot;===
:[''video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, is he gonna vomit?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT!  VOMIT!  VOMIT, DAMMIT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': When he was six weeks...
:'''Butt-head''': Buttcheeks?
:'''Beavis''': WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?  Buttcheeks?
:'''Butt-head''': They didn't ''show'' buttcheeks, dumbass, he just ''said'' &quot;buttcheeks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': Mr. Blue Veins...
:'''Butt-head''': Mr. Blue Vein?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  I have a blue vein.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Hey, Butt-head.  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': UGHH!
:'''Beavis''': Come on, hey Butt-head!  Butt-head!  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

===[[w:Sabrina Carpenter|Sabrina Carpenter]], &quot;[[w:Skinny Dipping (song)|Skinny Dipping]]&quot;===
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Uh...
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ...say, &quot;How's your family? How's your sister?&quot; I'll say, &quot;Shannon's being Shannon.&quot; After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...
:'''Beavis''': Does she know that the video's started yet?
:'''Butt-head''': She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait a second... &quot;swimming on the edge of a cliff&quot;? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that? 
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ... We've been swimming...
:'''Beavis''': Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool.  Yeah I don't understand it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-
:'''Butt-head''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Uhh, anyway Beavis-
:'''Beavis''': Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...
:'''Butt-head''': She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say &quot;Well, how was your day?&quot; and then she'd be like &quot;Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...
:'''Beavis''': I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. ''[Butt-head looks incredibly agitated]'' One of those infinite pools or something, but-
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you. 
:'''Beavis''': Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is [[w: Montgomery Clift|Montgomery Clift]]. Now if he had a pool at his house- ''[Butt-head smacks Beavis]'' AHHH!

===[[Johnny Cash]], &quot;[[w:Delia Green|Delia's Gone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who is this dude?  He looks familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, [[w:Captain Kangaroo|Captain Kangaroo]]!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Captain ''what?''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Captain Kangaroo.  You know, [[w:Mr. Green Jeans|Mr. Green Jeans]] and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.  Yeah.  You know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black. 
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, yeah.  Plus he's old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': Kind of evil make me want to grab my [[w:submachine gun|submachine]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  This is pretty violent. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny Cash''': First time I shot her...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He shouldn't have shot that chick!  She's pretty hot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': I would've taken her off his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know what he should have done?  He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away.  And then, like, and then I could score.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I know.  That's why I was suggesting it.  Yeah.

===[[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy]], &quot;Lyin' To Myself&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is that Keith dude!  From the [[w:The Partridge Family|Family]].
:'''Beavis''': You mean [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Bonaduce]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  This is his big brother.  Keith.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Keith Bonaduce!  Bonaduce.  Bonaduce.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that was on [[w:Pay-per-view|Pay-per-view]], Beavis.  We don't get that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later.  It was cool.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, [[w:Geraldo (TV series)#Brawl|threw a chair at him and broke his nose]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
:'''Butt-head''': That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  And then like, [[w:Suzanne Crough|Tracy]] could kick him in the nads. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, [[w:Jeremy Gelbwaks|Chris]] could stick his drumstick up his butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': And then Geraldo would be saying, &quot;That's no fair, there's two Chris's!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating [[w:Michael Buffer|Michael Buffer]]''] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

===[[w:Chavez (band)|Chavez]], &quot;Break Up Your Band&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That dude looks kinda funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
:'''Beavis''': What is this, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is kinda cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
:'''Beavis''': We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, &quot;Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say &quot;Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?&quot; That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, this [[w:music video|video's]] cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no thanks!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're into lions, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
:'''Butt-head''': Everybody sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, everybody is stupid!

===[[Cheech &amp; Chong]]===
====&quot;Get Out of My Room&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech &amp; Chong?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Cheech &amp; Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  That was cool.  Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''sings in a deep voice''] &quot;I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And the guy keeps going, [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.  Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Yeah.  &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Uh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;Gonna see my gal, uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to do songs like that again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever happened to that album?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I broke it, remember?  I slammed it against the wall.  It like, shattered.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.

====&quot;I'm Not Home Right Now&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.  That's pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You think he has morning wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got a breakfast burrito. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates Mexican accent''] And a [[w:Chimichanga|chimichanga]]!  Chimichanga!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] is surrounded by five women on the beach'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head!  How did ''that'' dude get all those chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass.  His name is Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah, Cheech &amp; Schlong.  I forgot about that.  You know what?  Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===Chick, &quot;Malibu&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what this chick's name is? 
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to &quot;Dude&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or maybe you could change it to &quot;Dumbass&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's supposed to be like in high school or something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now. 
:'''Beavis''': Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

===[[w:Cinderella (band)|Cinderella]], &quot;Somebody Save Me&quot;===
:[''two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Beavis''': [''joining in''] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
:'''Butt-head''': Why is this dork here? [''mocking the lead singer's expression''] &quot;''Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is like: &quot;''Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's poodle hair!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: &quot;''Could you just, like, make it more poofy?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;''But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No wonder you're such a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: &quot;''All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes are like: &quot;''Look at me, I'm kicking!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;''Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
:'''[[w:Tom Keifer|Tom Keifer]]''': So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
:'''Butt-head''': [''mockingly''] &quot;''So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh.''&quot;
:[''the two girls return and run towards the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh.
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh.
:'''Beavis''': Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [''mock laughter'']

===[[w:Circle Jerks|Circle Jerks]], &quot;I Wanna Destroy You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These guys are in a trash truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Somebody probably threw 'em away.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think it's the [[w:Village People|Village People]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps saying &quot;I wanna destroy you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?  Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't know, Butt-head.  I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  I could come up with stuff like this.
:'''Beavis''': Okay.  Let's see you write a song.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay. Uh, let's see.  Uh...I wanna hit you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I wanna ''kick'' you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, and then I want some nachos.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Baby.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That's pretty good, Butt-head!  We should start a band!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.

===[[w:CIV|CIV]], &quot;Can't Wait One Minute More&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Alright, [[w:Montel Williams|Montel Williams]]! Maybe they'll have some whores.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or some sluts!
:'''Beavis''': Or a girlfight. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or some skank-hos!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': …yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, see you later Beavis. [''Gets up from couch and walks away'']
:'''Beavis''': Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, &quot;give it a chance?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay. [''sits back down''] At least it doesn't look like a video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, [[w:The Jerry Springer Show|The Jerry Springer Show]], Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, &quot;I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!&quot; [''makes drunken sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': It would be like, &quot;I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass.&quot; Next on Montel Williams.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

===[[w:The Clash|The Clash]], &quot;[[w:Should I Stay or Should I Go|Should I Stay or Should I Go]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think it's [[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like back before he had his [[Seinfeld|show]].  It's like, you know...[[w:Queen Latifah|Queen Latifah]] used to do videos, and now she has [[w:Living Single|a show]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I like the [[w:Newman (Seinfeld)|fat dude]] on Seinfeld.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think he replaced the drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that [[w:The Contest|episode]] where they were talking about [[masturbation|choking their chicken]]?
:'''Beavis''':  Oh yeah.  I thought they were talking about ''not'' choking their chicken.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  I liked that [[w:The Pick|episode]] where you can see [[w:Elaine Benes|Elaine]]'s boobs on the Christmas card.
:'''Beavis''':  Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah, you could see her boobs.  TV needs more of that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They need more stuff like that on TV.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  LOUD, LOUD!  Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
:'''Butt-head''': If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Do that, then.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Color Me Badd|Color Me Badd]], &quot;[[w:I Wanna Sex You Up|I Wanna Sex You Up]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  AAAH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGH!
:'''Beavis''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Butt-head''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that group with [[George Michael]], and [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G]], and [[w:Snow (musician)|Snow]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's a super-suck-group!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You think if ''I'' sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you ''look'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ...and you ''talk'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is irritating!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Comateens|Comateens]], &quot;The Late Mistake&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
:'''Butt-head''': Here we go again.
:'''Beavis''': This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Imitating lead singer''] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh God.
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is the problem with this crap?
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Sees a note that says Don't try to follow''] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''in time with the song''] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
:'''Butt-head''': If those were the words, it'd be cool!
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of writing a song called &quot;Damn it, Son of a bitch!&quot; And it's gonna go something like &quot;Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer hides herself in a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Two men are trying to open a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
:'''Beavis''': They're using [[w:Crowbar (US band)|Crowbar]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should get that [[w:Kirk Windstein|big fat dude]] from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

===[[w:Compulsion (band)|Compulsion]], &quot;Delivery&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…water! Wa-ter!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, there's some water. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of these [[w:music videos|videos]] where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [''Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation''] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no.
:'''Beavis''': So um…what's on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, let's see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [''The video comes back on''] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

===[[w:Coolio|Coolio]], &quot;[[w:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]&quot;===
:'''[[Michelle Pfeiffer]]''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You wanna tell me what this is all about?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. This is from [[w:Dangerous Minds (film)|that movie]] where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and it's like, you know, she &quot;makes a difference&quot; or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's really stupid. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
:'''Beavis''': Uh-huh.
:'''Butt-head''': …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, a while ago when Coolio said &quot;I see myself in the pistol smoke&quot;, he stole that from [[Snoop Dogg|Snoop Doggy Dogg]].

===[[Alice Cooper]], &quot;Lost in America&quot;===
:'''Alice Cooper''': I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really!
:'''Alice''': I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Me neither.
:'''Butt-head''': Me neither. 
:'''Alice''': I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Life sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alice''': I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
:'''Butt-head''': Preach on, brother Cooper.
:'''Beavis''': Mmhmm, I know that's right.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Mmmhmm, I heard that.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
:'''Butt-head''': He doesn't get cable?
:'''Beavis''': What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
:'''Beavis''': He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

===[[w:Corrosion of Conformity|Corrosion of Conformity]], &quot;Clean My Wounds&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
:'''Butt-head''': Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': All these [[w:music videos|videos]] nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, and they're all weird.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
:'''Butt-head''': Frank.
:'''Beavis''': Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

===[[w:Coverdale•Page|Coverdale•Page]], &quot;Pride and Joy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it's like, they always do that.  But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, [[w:David Coverdale|that dude]] has hips like a woman!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again.  [''chuckles''] I said &quot;put out.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves.  And just do the same stuff over and over.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;eat themselves.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Rep-''eat themselves''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, I thought this ''was'' the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no, Beavis!  This is, like, the ''making'' of the video.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  They should just, like, show the video because, like, ''this'' thing sucks!

===[[w:The Cramps|The Cramps]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bikini Girls with Machine Guns|Bikini Girls with Machine Guns]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that guy from [[Cheers]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that [[w:Sam Malone|Sam Malone]] guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has [[w:bikini|bikini]] girls and [[w:machine guns|machine guns]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If only all videos could be like this.

====&quot;[[w:Ultra Twist!|Ultra Twist!]]&quot;====
:'''Narrator''': And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is [[w:Tales From the Crypt|Tales From the Crypt]]! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
:'''Butt-head''': You're a prevert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [''imitating the Crypt Keeper''] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
:'''Beavis''': Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, [''imitating an old lady''] &quot;I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?&quot; [''coughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then you're like, &quot;Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
:'''Butt-head''': And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': &quot;Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

===[[w:Crowbar (American band)|Crowbar]]===
====&quot;All I Had (I Gave)&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [[w:Kirk Windstein|This dude]] looks like that assistant football coach.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many fat dudes are there in this band?
:'''Beavis''': Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's having trouble defecating.
:'''Kirk Windstein''': '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)'''''
:'''Beavis''': Uh, not anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He just took a dump!

====&quot;Existence Is Punishment&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's Crowbar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  They're always taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kirk Windstein''': I gave my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Kirk Windstein''': ...and soul to you!
:'''Butt-head''': He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is slow and fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get ''fat!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And then every now and then, you just go, &quot;I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then you just sit there and get fat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, a love song.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  It is [[w:It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)|a love song so divine]].  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown shouting in the crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': Did you see that guy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Must be his first concert.
:'''Beavis''': His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon. 
:'''Butt-head''': She said, &quot;Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!

===[[w:Julee Cruise|Julee Cruise]], &quot;Rockin' Back Inside My Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. Is this [[w:Eurythmics|The Eurythmics]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Julee is singing from an open trunk'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This reminds me of that part in ''[[Goodfellas]]'' where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
:'''Beavis''': Remember that one part where he goes &quot;What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!&quot; Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, then [[w:Ray Liotta|that guy]] wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
:'''Beavis''': That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You wussed out too.

===[[w:The Cult|The Cult]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fire Woman|Fire Woman]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cult rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, [[w:Videocassette recorder|CPRs]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Those things are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wish ''I'' was born with a tattoo.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em.  You get 'em when you join the [[Navy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  You could have &quot;I'm a wuss&quot; tattooed across your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lead singer [[w:Ian Astbury|Ian Astbury]] is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage'']
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna [[w:Vomiting|boot]] on someone!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna boot!

====&quot;Lil' Devil&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': This rocks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish I could rock like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They rock!  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground.  Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [''imitates the [[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]] riff''] &quot;Dun-dun-da-dun-dun!  Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Ian Astbury|He]]'s wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Culture Club|Culture Club]], &quot;[[w:Karma Chameleon|Karma Chameleon]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is a very gay tune.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You mean, like, happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy George''': I'm a man...
:'''Butt-head''': You're a man?  No way!
:'''Beavis''': He's not even a boy.
:'''Butt-head''': He's Boy George.  This video needs some, like, car accidents.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, with lots of [[fire]].  Then it would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is this supposed to be, like, in the [[future]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The future sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Cure|The Cure]], &quot;Caterpillar&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at [[w:Chuck E. Cheese's|Chuck E. Cheese's]]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! They sucked.
:'''Beavis''': I kept banging on the glass and saying &quot;STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come [[Robert Smith (musician)|this guy]] won't look at the camera?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! That pisses me off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
:'''Butt-head''': How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [''wails''] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His lipstick's on crooked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Wails in imitation again''] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
:'''Beavis''': If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

===[[w:Curve (band)|Curve]], &quot;Missing Link&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah.  A chick in the rain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And a dog.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess that's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Water, water, WATER!  WATER!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Toni Halliday|That chick]] needs a raincoat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Hey, Beavis.  Do you like, uh...have a [[w:Condom|raincoat]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...when was the last time you used it?
:'''Beavis''': Last night!  On your mom!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  [''he and Beavis start fighting'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey,  Butt-head. You know how like when it rains, like &lt;?&gt; on the street and like, all of those worms come out and you step on them and they go pizzzhhhfff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Mud is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Mud rules. How come these guys are like playing out in the mud?
:'''Butt-head''': Err... Well, it's either because they're really stupid or really cool.

==D==
===[[w:Michael Damian|Michael Damian]], &quot;[[w:Rock On (David Essex song)|Rock On]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this a commercial for?
:'''Beavis''': This is that deodorant commercial.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's 'cause this guy stinks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And he sucks, too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this dude on some soap opera?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's on &quot;As the World Sucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video should have a warning label.  &quot;Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!  Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danger Danger|Danger Danger]], &quot;Naughty Naughty&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit!  If this is [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]], I'm gonna-- [''the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off''] Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Her back's all bent out of shape!  What's wrong?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.  You butthole.  When you see a chick in a window like that...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head.  I think she was, like, injured.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, whatever it was, it gave ''me'' a stiffy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, &quot;Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?&quot;  And then I hung up!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
:'''Beavis''': It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danzig|Danzig]]===
====&quot;Cantspeak&quot;====
:[''round, steel balls are shown dropping'']
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Plop&quot;. &quot;Plop&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
:'''Beavis''': I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, &quot;The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!&quot; In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they will go &quot;plop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that &quot;pearl formula weight gain&quot; powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out his eyes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. [''starts smacking Beavis repeatedly'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just ''stops''! Like, just, out of nowhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-[''the video ends'']

====&quot;How the Gods Kill&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes less intense'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, man!  This part sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': For such a [[w:Glenn Danzig|big, muscular dude]], he sure sings like a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!  Rock, dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes more intense'']
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time they stopped being wimpy!

====&quot;Mother&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

====&quot;Mother '93&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude could, like, bench press 140.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Danzig shakes around while singing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
:'''Beavis''': I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
:'''Beavis''': Uh, Geraldo?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

===[[w:Terence Trent D'Arby|Terence Trent D'Arby]], &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that [[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''sees Terence Trent D'Arby''] That's not Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Terence Trent D'Arby''': But she kissed me, and she put it there.
:'''Butt-head''': She kissed him ''where?''
:'''Beavis''': Down there.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Liar.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]]===
====&quot;Punk Rock Girl&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  It's not so bad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Something's wrong with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they're not trying very hard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And they're making lots of mistakes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I bet I could take [[w:Joe Genaro|this guy]] in a fight.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I could kick his butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  I could kick [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]]'s ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A ''real'' punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  She'd spit out his brains!  Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Smokin' Banana Peels&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Hippies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Does this suck?
:'''Butt-head''': Beats me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What are they doing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is college music.
:'''Butt-head''': This is musical masturbation.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do ''you'' listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
:'''Beavis''': I like to put on &quot;Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a monkey is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Dogs are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  This sucks, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Death (band)|Death]], &quot;The Philosopher&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! Is this a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a small boy running'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's [[w:Jeremy (song)#Music video|Jeremy]].
:'''Beavis''': He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking the singer''] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''screaming''] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

===[[w:De La Soul|De La Soul]], &quot;Ego Trippin'&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''':AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Screaming rules. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'll do some more. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:''''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

:'''[[w:Kelvin Mercer|Pos]]''': Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
:'''Beavis''': Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry man. Phenomenon, Phenomenon. Phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

:'''Butt-head''': Is that girl like in the band?
:'''Beavis''': Umm. I don't know. It's like she's hanging out with the boys but it's like, you know, she's there just to catch a... Whoa, look at that butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God! Ah! 
:'''Butt-head''': that was quite a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. That's something, right there. 
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, we should get one of those big tubs and like... and then we could like, have some chicks over, you know, and then like they could be in bikinis... Whoa! Look they're beating up a white guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Err... I think he just tripped. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:deadmau5|deadmau5]] feat. [[w:Rob Swire|Rob Swire]], &quot;[[w:Ghosts 'n' Stuff|Ghosts 'n' Stuff]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that deadmau5?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He looks like [[Eminem]] without his mouse helmet.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Was it Stewart?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know [[Daria]] killed herself, I remember that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just [[Daria#Esteemsters_.5B1.01.5D|moved away]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this. 
:'''Beavis''': See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': He's a smart guy, that Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

===[[w:Deconstruction (band)|Deconstruction]], &quot;L.A. Song&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be damned, it's [[w:Dave Navarro|Dave Navarro]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in [[w:Jane's Addiction|another band]], but then he quit, and now he's in the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Chili Peppers]] or something.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': I saw it on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]]. [''imitates the theme music''] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dork, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear it from [[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Scrotur]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, from [[w:Tabitha Soren|Tabitha Sore-End]]. Get it? Sore end?
:'''Butt-head''': I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [''Scoffs''] You know the MTV News theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and [[W:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony]] is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, &quot;Screw this&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear that on MTV News? [''imitating MTV News theme music''] Do-do-do-do-do!

===[[w:Rick Dees|Rick Dees]], &quot;Get Nekked&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''about a man in the background with a bathrobe on''] Look at that guy back there.  [''man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by''] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
:'''Beavis''': Where was the butt?
:'''Butt-head''': It was right next to her legs.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Dammit, I always do that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him''] He has a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, o-oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well.  This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, this sucks!  Look at that.  That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner?  It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic.  Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, no.  I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying.  I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna have about ''four'' buttholes if you don't shut up.
:'''Beavis''': It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head!  Dumbass!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Def Leppard|Def Leppard]], &quot;[[w:Animal (Def Leppard song)|Animal]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Circuses suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Where's the dude with two butts?
:'''Beavis''': Right here next to me.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't make me smack you again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung.  And it, like, really sucks.  So this dude says, &quot;Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?&quot;  And the guy says, &quot;'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty funny!  That was a good one!
:'''Butt-head''': It's all in how you tell it, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Spın̈al Tap]] really sucks lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They have all new guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pull my finger, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Del Amitri|Del Amitri]], &quot;Roll To Me&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna do every single girl in this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
:'''Beavis''': Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, &quot;[[w:Been Caught Stealing|Been Caught Stealing]]&quot;, and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Uh, let me think…&quot;[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]&quot;…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.

===[[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]] with [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], &quot;Real American&quot;===
:'''Rick Derringer''': I am a real American...
:'''Butt-head''': He's a real American.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He ''fights'' for what is right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': He ''fights!''  He ''fights!''
:'''Butt-head''': He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, those are [[w:Suppository|depositories]].  These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your [[w:Testicle|nads]] shrink.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  What's the point?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.  It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[w:Deus (band)|Deus]], &quot;Suds and Soda&quot;===
:[''a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song'']
:'''Beavis''': Is that the smoke alarm?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. This is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is weird.
:'''Beavis''': I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [''coughs''] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah, sort of.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're always like, [''imitates Beavis''] &quot;Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I don't sound like that! [''coughs''] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [''imitates Beavis'']  &quot;Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[''incoherent gibberish'']&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [''coughs''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy patting his stomach for?
:'''Beavis''': Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, &quot;As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [''mockingly''] &quot;Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [''incoherent gibberish'']…&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying &quot;Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Fried…[''coughs'']…fried egg, fried, [''coughs''] fried egg…

===[[Devo]], &quot;[[w:Whip It|Whip It]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that [[Ross Perot]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitating Ross Perot''] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [''starts going out of time with the song''] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[''realizes he is singing out of time'']…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out those hats.
:'''Beavis''': Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

===The Didjits, &quot;Judge the Hot Fudge&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, dumbass.  Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy fries butt nuggets.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's a butt nugget?
:'''Butt-head''': Here, I'll show you.  [''is shown grunting'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!  No thanks, Butt-head.  I - I'm not that hungry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's the deal with these guys?  It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Oh yeah.  They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This isn't, like, a real video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Well, that's good, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I ''am'' getting kinda hungry.  Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Here you go!  [''grunts''] Regular or cool ranch?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Butt nuggets.

===Die Cheerleader, &quot;Pigskin Parade&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, people on a couch!  Is this &quot;[[w:Friends|Friends]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no, it's a video.  It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that show &quot;Friends&quot; is stupid!  It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, [[w:Courteney Cox|that one chick]] is way too skinny.  And her face looks like a scarecrow!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
:'''Beavis''': What did you call me?
:'''Butt-head''': I called you &quot;King Turd.&quot;  'Cause that's what you are.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

===[[w:Digital Underground|Digital Underground]], &quot;[[w:The Humpty Dance|The Humpty Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Humpty kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Humpty rules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': My name is Humpty, pronounced with a &quot;umpty&quot;...
:'''Beavis:''' The name is Humpty, pronounced with an &quot;umpty.&quot;
:'''Humpty Hump''': ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
:'''Butt-head''': Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose.  He got in some accident.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  That's just a plastic nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  That's because he had plastic surgery!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [''he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Dink (band)|Dink]], &quot;Green Mind&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out that tornado!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a tornado, that's that [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Tasmanian Devil]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] upside the head with a shovel?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like the one where they grab [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]] by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

===[[w:Dinosaur Jr.|Dinosaur Jr.]]===
====&quot;Feel the Pain&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
:'''Butt-head''': We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
:'''Butt-head''': You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
:'''Beavis''': That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
:'''Butt-head''': [''raises voice to normal volume''] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
:'''Butt-head''': You're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': See, Beavis, you can't do it. [''quiet voice''] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

====&quot;I Don't Think So&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
:'''Beavis''': Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': I know. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…is this [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…[[w:Grover|Grover]].
:'''Butt-head''': You probably watch Sesame Street.
:'''Beavis''': No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know [[w:Count Von Count|the guy]] that comes out, and he goes &quot;Twelve chocolate cakes&quot;, and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
:'''Beavis''': Those are some big boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
:'''Beavis''': I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]'s kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': That fat pig?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

===[[Dire Straits]], &quot;Walk of Life&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': CROTCH STUFFING!
:'''Beavis''': Let's try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe we would get some.
:'''Beavis''': Some what?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude.
:'''Beavis''': Nice organ lick.
:'''Butt-head''': Organ lick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are hippies.
:'''Beavis''': I hate hippies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are like sports bleepers.
:'''Beavis''': Sports suck!
:'''Butt-head''': This is like circus music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!

===[[w:Cale Dodds|Cale Dodds]], &quot;I Like Where This is Going&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Seth McFarlane|the guy]] who does ''[[Family Guy]]''. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I was nothing like you. You're a loser.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's grooming him. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. ''[cackles]'' They told us about these kinds of guys in health class. 
:'''Beavis''': All the warning signs were there. 
:'''Butt-head''': They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware. 
:'''Beavis''': They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free. 
:'''Butt-head''': Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe I should try that. 
:'''Butt-head''': As soon as the director says &quot;cut&quot;, that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
:'''Beavis''': And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey. 
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a country song.

===[[w:Dog Eat Dog (band)|Dog Eat Dog]], &quot;No Fronts&quot;===
:[''video opens with people snowboarding'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[w:Aspen Extreme|Aspen Extreme]]''.
:'''Beavis''': That movie ''sucked!''  I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick ''never got naked!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  How could she not get naked when they say &quot;ass&quot; right in the title?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.  I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
:'''Beavis''': It's the only place they're safe!  They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  No chicks, no butts.
:'''Beavis''': ''&quot;Get me some marshmallows, biatch!&quot;''  Change the channel, Butt-head.  I've had enough of this.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I think it's over, though.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, good it's over.  [''the song doesn't end''] No, no.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ''now'' it's over.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Okay, now it's over.  Ahhhhhhhh!  [''the song continues''] Oh, no!  Dammit!  Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of buttmunches!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Doug E. Fresh|Doug E. Fresh]], &quot;I-ight (Alright)&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  I-ight!  I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown bouncing her breasts'']
:'''Beavis''': Thingies!  Thingies!
:'''Butt-head''': Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They show, like, bouncing boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Boobs!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Isn't &quot;I-ight&quot; what that dude [[w:Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)|Gilligan]] says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's like, &quot;I-ight, [[w:The Skipper|Skipper]]!  Here are those coconuts!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or like, &quot;I-ight!  I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That Skipper dude is a bunghole.  [''imitating the Skipper''] &quot;Uhhhhh, Gilligan!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should go, like, &quot;I quit, fat dude.  You can get your own damn coconuts.  I-ight!  I-ight!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is he spitting?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doug E. Fresh''': To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
:'''Beavis''': What about me?  Yeah.  What about me?  To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!

===[[w:Dr. Dre|Dr. Dre]], &quot;[[w:Keep Their Heads Ringin'|Keep Their Heads Ringin']]&quot;===
:'''Dr. Dre''': Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
:'''Butt-head''': Because your mom's white, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
:'''Beavis''': Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says &quot;So, where did you get this plane?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd be like &quot;Well, I got it from the airport.&quot; Cause they have a store there.
:'''Beavis''': Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': What did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I said &quot;Shut up&quot;. I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Ronnie Dunn|Ronnie Dunn]], &quot;[[w:Let the Cowboy Rock|Let the Cowboy Rock]]&quot;===
:'''Smart Beavis''': Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as &quot;[[w:Cost of Livin'|Cost of Livin']]&quot;, and &quot;[[w:Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing|Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing]].&quot;
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Very stupid. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I don't know why, but this music is making me love America. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': This video also makes me want to worship the man they call [[w:Jesus|Jesus]].
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes, indeed yes. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Beavis''': I wish there was more footage of the females in this video. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.  
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Quite humerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, and your mother is quite honorable. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': ... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. ''[a horseback rider is seen]'' Is this the cowboy's wife?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Humor detected.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, humorous. Quite humorous. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.

===Josie Dunne, &quot;Good Boys&quot;===
:''[as a group of firemen are shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh God... firemen, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like &quot;Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!&quot; But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess. 
:'''Butt-head''': Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose. 
:'''Beavis''': No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's ''water''! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them ''water''men! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them &quot;son of a bitches.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You thought firemen start fires?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the ''fire''man, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.

===[[w:The Dylans|The Dylans]], &quot;Grudge&quot;===
:[''video opens with a [[w:Boombox|boombox]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, maybe they'll break it.  Yeah.  [''a sledgehammer smashes the boombox''] Ooooh!  Yeah!  [''a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase''] Ahhh...uh huh.  W - what?  What's going on?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''honey is being poured on fruit''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're putting honey on grapes?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.  Yeah.  Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you did it wrong.  The guy in the movie was, like, ''feet'' first.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped.  It was cool.

==E==
===[[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]], &quot;[[w:Sugar Walls|Sugar Walls]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Who is this chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.  She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in [[w:K-Mart|K-Mart]].
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She did [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Well, at least that's ''something.''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Like, move down and show her butt or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  This chick is pretty dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And she's probably a slut, too.
:'''Beavis''': Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
:'''Butt-head''': Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's one thing I like about him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has a vision.
:'''Beavis''': Me too.  Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me!  Yeah.  It's gonna be cool.

===[[w:Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes|Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes]], &quot;Kisses Over Babylon&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that [[w:Jesus Christ|Christ]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously.  Come on.  You know better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah.  It's Spanish.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It is a miracle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that Christ is something else.  I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''as prisoners try to escape prison''] Wow, they really hate this song.
:'''Butt-head''': These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

===[[w:Elastica|Elastica]], &quot;[[w:Connection (song)|Connection]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, a chick band!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several naked men are sitting around the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at all these naked dudes!  They're just, like, sitting there!  What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
:'''Beavis''': Look, a buttcheek!  A schlong!  A nad!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are just hands, Beavis.  That's not his nads, his nutsack, ''or'' his buttcheeks.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.  You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people.  They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING!  IT MAKES ME MAD!  This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, yeah!  But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be ''me'', see?  And I'd be naked!  That would rule!  Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe they're looking at their boobs.  Did you ever think of that?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks must be pretty cool.  They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes!  That rules!  I mean, you know, for a chick.  You know.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a pretty good idea.  You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

===[[w:Carmen Electra|Carmen Electra]], &quot;Everybody Get On Up&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I'm al''ready'' &quot;[[w:erection|up]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this a [[advertisement|commercial]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's a commercial for [[w:MTV|MTV's]] ''[[w:House of Style|House of Butts]]''.
:'''Beavis''': She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's high noon on ''my'' sundial.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She said &quot;[[w:ejaculate|cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go [[w:masturbate|spank my monkey]].

===[[w:Electric Sun|Electric Sun]], &quot;The Night The Master Comes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, &quot;sucks&quot; isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.

===[[w:Eleven (band)|Eleven]], &quot;Reach Out&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[Boy George]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's all fat now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He's a turd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he's [[w:bisexuality|bisexual]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
:'''Beavis''': So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
:'''Beavis''': And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
:'''Butt-head''': You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

===[[w:En Vogue|En Vogue]] with [[w:Salt-n-Pepa|Salt-n-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Whatta Man|Whatta Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are horny!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  I've seen this video about a million times!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, me too!  I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off!  I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something.  She ''never does!''
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's the same video!  If she doesn't get naked the ''first'' time you see it, she's ''never'' gonna get naked.
:'''Beavis''': How do ''you'' know, Butt-head?  You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something.  Here it comes.  See?  Stand up, stand up!  STAND UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  She's not gonna be naked!  It's the same video every time!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  You don't know that.  I th - I think she's gonna be naked.  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Maybe she'll do it ''this'' time!  Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Show it!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's got that stuff in her hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That stuff's called [[w:Jheri curl|jelly curl]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''': Hey!  Don't call me that, Butt-head!  I'm serious!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dillhole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  That's better.

===[[w:Entombed (band)|Entombed]], &quot;Wolverine Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, you snooze, you lose. [''leaves the room'']
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…''[turns around and sees Butt-head has left''] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [''gets up'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling from bathroom''] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [''Beavis sits down'']
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…''[calls out''] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, just a few more minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Guess I'll go take a leak. [''leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
:'''Beavis''': WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Butt-head''': I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
:'''Beavis''': YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''': DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

===[[w:Enuff Z'nuff|Enuff Z'nuff]], &quot;Fly High Michelle&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Have a nice day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She looks like that [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]] chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These chicks aren't as cool as the [[w:Cycle Sluts from Hell|Cycle Sluts]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And [[w:L7 (band)|L7]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They kick ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are you sure these are chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': They better be.  They're giving me a woodrow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.

===[[w:Maggie Estep|Maggie Estep]], &quot;Hey Baby&quot;===
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
:'''Butt-head''': This chick doesn't sing very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
:'''Maggie Estep''': [''Begins talking''] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
:'''Beavis''': Okay. That's better.
:'''Butt-head''': Is she like, telling a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maggie Estep''': I get all tense and nervous…
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but I keep walking…
:'''Beavis''': Ah! Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [''A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good joke.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
:'''Beavis''': I heard that.
:'''Butt-head''': …and then she just came up and got in his face!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': And she &lt;!-- Not quite sure what he said --&gt;just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

===[[w:Ethyl Meatplow|Ethyl Meatplow]], &quot;Devil's Johnson&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Scummy people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Scummy people are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': ''Slimy'' people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Slimy people rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you hear that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;devil's johnson&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he just said it!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, he must've said &quot;[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': He said it again!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  YEAH!  I heard it!  He keeps saying it again!
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he said it again!  He keeps saying it again and again!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's saying &quot;[[w:Magic Johnson|Magic Johnson]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I got a magic johnson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Beavis' magic johnson.  It disappears into his hand.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:The Europeans (band)|The Europeans]], &quot;We Are Animals&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh my God.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, dear Lord!
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': AAAH! Good God Almighty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
:'''Butt-head''': Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
:'''Beavis''': Two…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…four?
:'''Beavis''': Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
:'''Beavis''': Um…thirteen. [''Resumes counting''] Uh…fifteen…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees two men fighting''] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': [''yelling''] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
:'''Beavis''': Um…what?
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno.

===[[w:Eve's Plum|Eve's Plum]], &quot;Blue&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': WATER, WATER!  Yeah, yeah!  WATER, WATER!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I - I don't know, water's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This seems pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Ooohh, baby! ''Ye-eah!''
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Vitamin C (singer)|This chick]] is hot!
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
:'''Beavis''': If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, ''&quot;Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!&quot;''
:'''[[w:Vitamin C (singer)|Colleen Fitzpatrick]]''': ...heading my direction...
:'''Beavis''': WHOA!  Whoa, did she say &quot;erection&quot;?!
:'''Butt-head''': I hope so!
:'''Beavis''': I'll say.  ''Errrection!''
:'''Butt-head''': I don't care if ''you'' say it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well - well, I think she said it.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
:'''Beavis''': Well, her ''face'' is naked.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  ''Every'' girl's face is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body.  Yeah.  I'd settle for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  I bet chicks would go for that!
:'''Beavis''': Ass naked rules.

===[[w:Extreme (band)|Extreme]], &quot;Hole-Hearted&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright!
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…''[hums the melody'']  Yeah, this is really cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [''laughs''] Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You really like this crap.
:'''Beavis''': No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

==F==
===[[w:The Fabulous Thunderbirds|The Fabulous Thunderbirds]], &quot;Wrap It Up&quot;===
:[''video opens with several women in bikinis'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Whoa!  WHOA!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS AND BUTTS!  Whoa, whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at ''her!''  Whoa, look at that!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  If [[w:Kim Wilson|''this'' dude]] here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we need to start a band.  Today.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Whoa, look at ''her!''
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, right now.  While we're sitting here on our butts...
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS!
:'''Butt-head''': ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it.  Let's do it!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Just as soon as this video's over.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh.  Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Like, in our band...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but we'll have cooler cars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up.  And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em.  Ye-eah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That'll be cool.

===[[w:Donald Fagen|Donald Fagen]], &quot;Snowbound&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmmmmmmm…….

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, just cool out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
:[''They begin to fall asleep'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''slaps Beavis''] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
:'''Beavis''': Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

===[[w:Faith No More|Faith No More]]===
====&quot;Diggin' the Grave&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
:'''Butt-head''': No, and I don't care, either.
:'''Beavis''': This is Faith No More.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sarcastic''] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
:'''Butt-head''': They just look and sound like everything else.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, it kinda rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna lay down. Move over!
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, get up!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
:'''Beavis''': I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
:'''Beavis''': No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': You should check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Is it still there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me go have a look. [''exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.'']

====&quot;[[w:Easy (Commodores song)#Faith No More cover|Easy]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]]''': I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to a man dressed in women's clothing''] That chick's pretty hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ooooaaah. 
:'''Butt-head''': They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
:[''The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': I'm easy like Sunday morning…
:'''Butt-head''': What's so great about Sunday morning?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
:'''Beavis''': You know what really sucks is evening.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Every single day sucks.

====&quot;[[w:Epic (Faith No More song)|Epic]]&quot;====
:[''a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning'']
:'''Butt-head''': I wish ''I'' had an eye in my hand.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;reach around.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I love the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''singer [[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]] is seen wearing a shirt that says &quot;MR. BUNGLE&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Whoa!  Did you see that?  His shirt said &quot;Mr. Bunghole&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what is it?
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': What is it?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''rain is pouring down on the band'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rain sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this video had, like, some explosions.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': It ''does'' have some explosions.
:'''Butt-head''': Fairies grant wishes!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, asswipe!
:[''video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes'']

===[[w:Fatima Mansions|Fatima Mansions]], &quot;The Loyaliser&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [''picks up a magazine'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
:'''Beavis''': Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from [[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no. Just this one.
:'''Butt-head''': Can I read it when you're done?
:'''Beavis''': No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd you get that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

===[[w:Filter (band)|Filter]], &quot;[[w:Hey Man, Nice Shot|Hey Man, Nice Shot]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those [[w:music videos|videos]] where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
:'''Butt-head''': You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Art sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colors…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's all, uhh…[''the pair fall asleep'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
:'''Butt-head''': It still has all this blurry crap.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is a [[w:Buzz Bin|buzz clip]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[''the pair resume sleeping'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the video ends'']
:'''Beavis''': [''yells''] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''disorientated''] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

===[[w:The Flaming Lips|The Flaming Lips]]===
====&quot;[[w:She Don't Use Jelly|She Don't Use Jelly]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Wayne Coyne|Wayne Coyne]]''': She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
:'''Beavis''': He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can make toast. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Fields suck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''sings off-key''] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

====&quot;Turn It On&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, why?
:'''Beavis''': Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, &quot;So, I bet that underwear was on your butt.&quot; You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say &quot;So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say &quot;Since you're already doing a load…&quot;, heh, load…&quot;Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?&quot; And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
:'''Butt-head''': And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
:'''Beavis''': I'm ready for love.

===[[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], &quot;Old Man Down the Road&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, that looks like [[w:Jungle Cruise|that Jungle Ride]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That's so stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what another cool ride to jump off of is?  Is the, uh, [[w:The Haunted Mansion|the Haunted House]].  I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car.  And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter.  I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um...n - uh...oh.  Um, no.

===[[Foo Fighters]], &quot;[[w:I'll Stick Around|I'll Stick Around]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's [[Dave Grohl|that dude]] from [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvarna]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think [[Kurt Cobain|that dude]]'s with us anymore.  You shouldn't say that.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um, I've never seen [[w:William Goldsmith|that drummer]] before in my life!  That's not him.
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Oh yeah, you're right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know?  They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?  Do you, like, [[w:Homosexuality|swing on that side]] now?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, do I swing?  No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old.  Um...I don't even think we ''have'' a swingset anymore.  What are you talking about?
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh, never mind, Beavis.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like &quot;I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!&quot; That would rule!

===[[w:Lita Ford|Lita Ford]] with [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], &quot;Close My Eyes Forever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah!  Uh...why is he whining?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...boy.  This isn't very good.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head?  I think this is the [[w:Indigo Girls|Indigo Girls]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Monster face and wuss music do not go together.  It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah.  Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': [''starts laughing''] I'm being ''what'', Ozzy?
:'''Beavis''': ''Hard'' on Ozzy.  [''gets why Butt-head is laughing''] Oh yeah.

===[[w:Samantha Fox|Samantha Fox]], &quot;[[w:Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)|Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's one of those grubby girls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She wants me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samantha Fox''': Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She just had sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't they show that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She said she just had sex.
:'''Butt-head''': It wasn't with any of ''those'' guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And like, if the music was cool, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And not those guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Then it would rule!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie Goes to Hollywood]], &quot;[[w:Two Tribes|Two Tribes]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': What is ''this?''
:'''Butt-head''': This is crap.  Art sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, that's [[Konstantin Chernenko|that guy from that country in the news]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs more blood.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ronald Reagan|the President]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like the ending of that ''[[w:Rocky IV|Rocky 4]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': No way, asswipe!  That doesn't look like [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dude!  You're thinking of ''[[w:Rocky III|Rocky 3]]''.
:'''Beavis''': No, Mr. T was in ''Rocky 4''!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  ''Rocky 4'' was where he kicked ass on [[w:Ivan Drago|that dude]] from [[w:Soviet Union|that country]].
:'''Beavis''': No, dude, that was ''[[w:Rocky II|Rocky 2]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes?  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was, uhh, ''Rocky 6''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  ''Rocky 6'' was the best one.
:'''Beavis''': Have you seen that movie ''[[w:Rocky V|Rocky V]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not as cool as ''Rocky 5'', though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is, &quot;Change it.&quot;

==G==
===[[w:Georgia Satellites|Georgia Satellites]], &quot;Keep Your Hands to Yourself&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys ''rule''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [''imitating lead singer Dan Baird''] Got no loving, no kissing!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That lead singer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He's cool.  He looks like my cousin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Which one?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you know.  [[w:Dickhead|Richard Head]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy's teeth are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It runs in the family.  We all have cool teeth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He's cool.

===[[w:Gerardo Mejía|Gerardo]], &quot;[[w:Rico Suave (song)|Rico Suave]]&quot;===
:[''both imitate Gerardo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rrrico!  Suave!
:'''Beavis''': Rrrrrico!  Suave!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a tight dress is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
:'''Butt-head''': Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [''speaks Spanish gibberish'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Guacamole!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a [[w:Gigolo|gigolo]].
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What's a gigolo?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Change it.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]], &quot;[[w:Out of the Blue (Debbie Gibson song)|Out of the Blue]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]] sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Olivia Neuter-John.  That's that [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|rich chick]] from ''[[Beverly Hills, 90210|90...2...uh, 6, 1]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  [[w:List of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters#Donna Martin|Donna]].
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Donna!  Donna's the [[w:Slut|slut]].  This is [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|Kelly]].
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude!  Donna's not a slut.  She's the virgin, ''Kelly's'' the slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Does she look like a slut to ''you'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's why it's Donna!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That must be Kelly.

===[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]], &quot;Play Dirty&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[Alice Cooper]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Hm.
:'''Butt-head''': This is an all-chick band.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That chick can punch!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's a chick!  It's one of those...one of those girl boxers.  That's cool, they can kick ass.  They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You said it's an all-girl band.  It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer.  [''the boxer is punched to the ground''] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
:'''Beavis''': I know that, Butt-head!  I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting.  Like, clip-on nads?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.  And you're stupid, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': And chicks don't like you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Some chicks like me.

===[[w:The Go-Go's|The Go-Go's]], &quot;The Whole World Lost It's Head&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road''] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [''shows feet again''] AAH! There it is again! 
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like &quot;Ow!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [''Sees feet again''] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees feet again''] FEET! FEET! OW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
:'''Butt-head''': You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay, I can wait. [''sings along''] Has the whole world lost its head…''[Sees feet again''] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

===[[w:Godspeed (band)|Godspeed]], &quot;Houston St.&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really, it's like [''imitates static''] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
:'''Beavis''': That's a 10-4, good buddy. [''speaks incomprehensible gibberish''] Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, &quot;Settle down, dammit!&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, &quot;If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like [[Al Pacino|that dude]] from, uhhh, from that movie, [[w:Scent of a Woman|Smell of a Woman]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he's like, &quot;Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!&quot; He's a good actor.

===[[w:Golden Earring|Golden Earring]], &quot;[[w:Twilight Zone (Golden Earring song)|Twilight Zone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Interrogation is cool.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know you knew any big words.
:'''Butt-head''': I do when the words are cool.  Like &quot;diarrhea.&quot;  And &quot;[[w:Asphyxia|assphyxiation]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And &quot;[[w:Seminiferous tubule|seminefrious tubules]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Goo Goo Dolls|Goo Goo Dolls]], &quot;Only One&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
:'''Beavis''': Well, let me think.  I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some [[w:Cheez Whiz|Cheez Whiz]] to put on the crackers.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
:'''Butt-head''': I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a [[w:Ménage à trois|massage-a-thra]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Dammit!

===[[w:The Goops|The Goops]], &quot;Booze Cabana&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Or [[w:Todd Rundgren|Todd Rundgren]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Todd Rundgren.
:'''Butt-head''': Who the hell is he, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. And you don't either.
:'''Beavis''': Um…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…he's drinking.
:'''Beavis''': I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that street where [[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] wanted to have her baby.
:'''Beavis''': So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman grows to an enormous size'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out!
:'''Beavis''': She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
:'''Beavis''': No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are &quot;they?&quot; And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.

===[[w:Ariana Grande|Ariana Grande]], &quot;[[w:34+35|34+35]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is that video where Ariana Grande had a lab, and she was gonna cure cancer, but  then she was just like, &quot;Nah, let's just make a bunch of slut robots.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah, she's creating a Franken-slut. Yeah yeah! ''[the female robot comes to life]'' &quot;It's alive! It's alive! It's a slut!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Presenting the Slut-bot 3000, the cutting edge in slut technology. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head, it seems like all that metal would like cut up your schlong, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's why you'd need like a special metal robo-schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that would be cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna get it on with the [[w:Tin Woodman|Tin Man]] from ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, he's got an iron schlong. Yes. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'll be like, &quot;Well, I guess I don't need a heart anymore.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;[[w:If I Only Had a Brain|If I only had a schlong...]]&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Tin Woodsman. ''[cackles]''

===[[w:Amy Grant|Amy Grant]], &quot;[[w:Baby Baby (Amy Grant song)|Baby Baby]]&quot;===
:[''the two laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at ''this!''  What a bunch of crap!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this a [[w:Clearasil|Clearasil]] commercial?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.

===[[w:Grant Lee Buffalo|Grant Lee Buffalo]], &quot;Mockingbirds&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this another video with big [[w:The Muppets|Muppets]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]? He never poops.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [''imitates dive-bomber''] &quot;Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go &quot;Poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': And run over there and go &quot;Poop!&quot; A little &quot;Poop!&quot; over there.
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough.
:'''Beavis''': It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

===[[w:The Grays (band)|The Grays]], &quot;Very Best Years&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
:'''Beavis''': Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, how do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [''the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking''] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what…what is this??
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates an arpeggio in the song''] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like that [[w:easy listening|easy listening]] stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
:'''Beavis''': I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said ''maybe'' it would start rocking!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the chorus starts again'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''[sings in imitation again''] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys are like a cross between [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and my nads…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], and…
:'''Beavis''': And my butt…
:'''Butt-head''': [[Billy Joel]], and like, uhh…
:'''Beavis''': And some turds…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Eddie Rabbitt|Eddie Rabbitt]]…

===[[Green Day]]===
====&quot;[[w:Basket Case (song)|Basket Case]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like that movie, [[w:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, where they got [[w:Danny DeVito|those guys]] from [[w:Taxi (TV series)|Taxi]], only they're retarded.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that [[w:Chief Bromden|big Indian dude]] in that movie? 
:'''Butt-head''': Mm-hm.
:'''Beavis''': He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes &quot;Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken&quot;. And then the doctor says &quot;Then why don't you choke her?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates chicken''] Bawk-ba-bawk!

====&quot;[[w:Longview (song)|Longview]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's watching TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
:'''Beavis''': Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Well, well…okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
:'''Butt-head''': See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … yeah. 
:[''[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that! 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT! 
:'''Butt-head''': Break it!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': GET IN THERE
:'''Butt-head''': Kick it! Kick the couch!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't stop!
:'''Beavis''': Don't stop, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Quitters never win!

===[[w:Greta (band)|Greta]]===
====&quot;Fathom&quot;====
:[''various images flash rapidly on the screen'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this [[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death 3]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! '''BUT''' '''''MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
:'''Butt-head''': That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members jumps around and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy fell over.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;You stand up straight, play your guitar, and '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!'''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''images of explosions and car crashes are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool! Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Uh, laundry! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Is It What You Wanted&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey, who is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''laughing''] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes &quot;Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': It's like, it acts as a shield.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
:[''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh [''coughs''].
:'''Beavis''': You don't have any &quot;nad protection&quot;! Yeah, that was cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''coughing''] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy….

===[[w:Grim Reaper (band)|Grim Reaper]]===
====&quot;Fear No Evil&quot;====
:[''both are laughing'']
:'''Beavis''': It's ''this'' again.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
:'''Butt-head''': These [[w:music videos|videos]] are funny.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should be on that show [[w:The State (TV series)|The State]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what is that thing?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a wolfman with huge claws'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think that's supposed to be [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]].
:'''Beavis''': That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No. That's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
:'''Beavis''': That is ''not'' Wolverine, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
:'''Beavis''': Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

====&quot;Rock You to Hell&quot;====
:[''laughter can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''without emotion''] Ha ha ha ha ha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ha ha ha ha ha. [''sees the band''] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
:[''the lead singer rises up from laying down'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  What was that?  Was that a [[w:Bulldog|bulldog]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it was a [[w:Shih Tzu|Shih Tzu]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''Cornholio accent''] Shih Tzu!  Sha-hih Tzu!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
:[''the lead singer is shown again'']
:'''Beavis:''': AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Including Grim Reaper.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a fat little face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those [[w:Urinal deodorizer block|urinal mints]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I knew that.  Yeah, I was just kidding.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

====&quot;See You in Hell&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Spın̈al Tap]]?
:'''Beavis''': Tap is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd these guys get their [[clothes]]?
:'''Beavis''': They [[bought]] it at that [[w:rock and roll|rock and roll]] store at the mall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I [[think]] these guys played at the state fair last year?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the ''[[pig]]'' contest.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because he's ''[[w:overweight|fat]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': You suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

===[[w:Gruntruck|Gruntruck]], &quot;Crazy Love&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She has the flag on her face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] for which it stands, invisible--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  We're missing this video!  And it doesn't even suck.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Lights are cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Especially when they come out of your butt.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I must be hallucinating ''now.''  I can't believe they're playing something cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Toys are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  They rock!

===[[GWAR]]===
====&quot;Jack the World&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is what it's all about.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you watch all these [[w:music video|videos]], you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
:'''Butt-head''': It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
:'''Beavis''': So, how do you know what time it is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

====&quot;The Road Behind&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!  GWAR!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  GWAR is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!  GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

====&quot;Saddam a Go-Go&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, GWAR has [[w:horn (instrument)|horns]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, [[w:Balsac the Jaws of Death|Balsac]] told 'em: &quot;Throwing [[blood]] and [[w:urine|urine]] in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a [[w:seizure|seizure]] at a [[GWAR]] concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to [[help]] him.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh, it's happening…[''convulses as if he were having a seizure'']
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not gonna help you. [[w:Oderus Urungus|Oderus Urungus]] would want it that way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. [[Thanks]], Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. [''sings along''] He [[died]] and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[''Butt-head smacks him''] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh…whoa, [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]! Look at that giant [[worm]] thing, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Now that's a ''damn'' [[good]] show right there. [''mock-Arabic accent''] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own [[blood]]!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating an Arabic accent''] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
:'''Beavis''': The mother of all [[wars]] has begun!

==H==
===[[w:Nina Hagen|Nina Hagen]], &quot;Herman Was His Name&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...is this that [[w:LaToya Jackson|Toyota Jackson]] chick?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''reacting to video''] Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  No!  NO!  NO!  AHHH!  GET AWAY!
:'''Butt-head''': Aaaahhhh!
:'''Beavis''': GET AWAY!  AHHH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those bathing caps on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, what's that noise?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...I think it's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Hall &amp; Oates|Hall &amp; Oates]]===
====&quot;[[w:Jingle Bell Rock|Jingle Bell Rock]]&quot;====
:[''John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who could that be?
:[''Daryl Hall takes some of the presents'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A group of people arrive at Hall &amp; Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh, don't let [[Primus (band)|Primus]] in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''My name is Mud!''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, ''MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD!'' And then he'd SPIT!

====&quot;[[w:Maneater (Hall &amp; Oates song)|Maneater]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What's [[w:Daryl Hall|this guy]] lookin' at?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  There's his little [[w:John Oates|friend]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''about Daryl Hall''] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And he's a maneater.  Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I mean - I mean, ''no!''

===[[w:Sam Harris (singer)|Sam Harris]], &quot;[[w:Over the Rainbow|Over the Rainbow]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': He's smiling at you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh god.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at that crack in his chin.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's a buttcrack.
:'''Beavis''': Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam Harris starts belting'']
:'''Beavis''': [''drinks soda, does a spit take''] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
:'''Butt-head''': No way. [''turns the volume up to full on the television'']
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': [''screams unintelligibly'']
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.

===[[w:PJ Harvey|PJ Harvey]]===
====&quot;50-Foot Queenie&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, [[w:Justine Bateman|that chick]] from ''[[Family Ties]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is really noisy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Noise is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is weird. 
:'''Beavis''': This chick's mouth is crooked.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder why.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Why is it crooked?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like a 50 foot weenie.  

====&quot;Down by the Water&quot;====
:[''P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress'']
:'''Beavis''': Well, look at that.  That's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah!  ''That'' chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Not too shabby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know.  I mean, she looked all right, you know.  Ooohh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really!  She looks kinda sexy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come chicks in videos never dress up?  It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that.  People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And you know what they say about having a big nose.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.  She probably's got a big schlong, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Beavis''': Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head.  So don't even try.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''P.J. Harvey''': [''whispers''] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this chick is freaky!  This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''whispers''] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It doesn't freak me out when ''you'' do it, Butt-head.  It sounds stupid when ''you'' do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
:'''Beavis''': Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out.  I've done that before with stuff.

===[[Juliana Hatfield]], &quot;What A Life&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
:'''Butt-head''': Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
:'''Beavis''': Um, a second is better than nothing. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it isn't. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': ''Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?''
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and ''nobody'' likes you.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
:'''Butt-head''': [''half laughing''] You don't have any friends.
:'''Beavis''': I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aah, she's got ''blood'' in her eyes! ''Ew'', this is ''freaky'', Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

===[[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]], &quot;[[w:Im Nin'alu|Im Nin'alu]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this foreign?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  She's got money on her head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Money is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games.  On her horse.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is this [[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdulla]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Is this video about Jesus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Christ is cool.

===[[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]], &quot;Merry Christmas Santa Claus&quot;===
:'''Max''': There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
:'''Beavis''': Is it [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Max''': So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude stutters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

===[[w:Helium (band)|Helium]]===
====&quot;Pat's Trick&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Mary Timony|Mary Timony]] dragging a hoe'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's a hoe.
:'''Bravos''': Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [''Butt-head laughs''] Oh, um...why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis.  You thought when I said &quot;a hoe,&quot; that thought I was talking about the chick.  But I was talking about the hoe.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  'Cause, like, [[w:double entendre|when a word means two things]] like that, it's pretty funny.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned.  I didn't know that.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, &quot;choking your chicken&quot; could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it.  Or it can mean, you know, like, you're [[w:Masturbation|choking your chicken]].
:'''Beavis''': [''laughing''] Oh yeah!  Now ''that's'' funny!  Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny.  Yeah.  Yes, I - I get ''that'' one.  Okay, okay!  ''I'' got one!  Masturbating! [''laughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it does!  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has small nostrils.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head.  You look like a cow.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  It means you have lots of loogie.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay, Beavis.  You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

====&quot;XXX&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this chick just like, woke up or something. 
:'''Beavis''': She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
:'''Beavis''': She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Musicians rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''': They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer is destroying an [[w:overhead projector|overhead projector]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I hate those things.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A bandmember resembles [[Jim Carrey]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then they just leave.

===[[w:Helloween|Helloween]], &quot;Halloween&quot;===
:[''A human body in a suit with a [[w:Jack-o'-lantern|Jack-o'-lantern]] head appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, is that the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
:'''Butt-head''': It's from that [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] thing.  That show about that bald kid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's that [[w:Linus van Pelt|kid with the blanket]] that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That's, uh, um, Penis.
:'''Butt-head''': His name's not &quot;Penis.&quot;  It's &quot;Anus.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
:'''Butt-head''': You're getting him mixed up with that dude [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Choder]] who plays the piano.  He's a [[w:pianist|penis]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  That's not cool to call someone a &quot;penis&quot; just because they play the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano.  You call them a penis.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really?  That's cool.  You know what we should do?  We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, &quot;Penis! Penis! Penis!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin?  Like, what's he supposed to do?
:'''Butt-head''': He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
:[''A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.'']
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  You can see up that chick's dress!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
:'''Beavis''': You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Helmet (band)|Helmet]]===
====&quot;[[w:Unsung (song)|Unsung]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': [[w:John Stanier (drummer)|That drummer]] looks like a regular guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;Wilma's Rainbow&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's happening to this dude's face?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
:'''Beavis''': When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [''Beavis's face is in his neutral expression'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually use this expression. [''Butt-head grimaces''] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one when I'm lying. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral''] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
:'''Butt-head''': This one usually  works for me. [''Butt-head grimaces'']
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

===[[w:Hole (band)|Hole]], &quot;[[w:Violet (song)|Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''The screen says Violet''] Uh…violence?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Hole!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
:'''Beavis''': Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole. 
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Hole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, the sign at the beginning said &quot;violence&quot;, and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! That sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
:'''Beavis''': I'll show you my butthole if you want. [''Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I heard this Hole [[Courtney Love|chick]] is a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah! [''Beavis's eyes widen''] YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori Spelling]] chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
:'''Butt-head''': What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
:'''Butt-head''': It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!

===[[w:Huey Lewis and the News|Huey Lewis and the News]], &quot;[[w:I Want a New Drug|I Want a New Drug]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAHHHHHH!  [''Butt-head laughs throughout the video''] THIS SUCKS!  AHHHH!  AHH, BUTT-HEAD!  Change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Suffer, dude!
:'''Beavis''': Give me that thing, Butt-head!  Come on, give me the remote, this sucks!  This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Give me a dollar.
:'''Beavis''': That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks!  AAHHHHHH!  AAHHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.  Don't soil your drawers.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Hum (band)|Hum]], &quot;Stars&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''moans'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
:[''The song appears to end'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this video over?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
:'''Butt-head''': Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

==I==
===[[w:Billy Idol|Billy Idol]], &quot;[[w:Dancing with Myself|Dancing with Myself]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This was ''before'' the music revolution.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, this looks like that [[w:Les Misérables (musical)|Les Miserables]] poster.  In Mrs. Dickey's class?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy Idol''': With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
:'''Beavis''': This guy does ''everything'' by himself.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  I detect masturbatory overtones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''singing with Billy Idol''] Playing with myself!  Oh oh, playing with myself!
:'''Billy Idol''': Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking about choking his chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's talking about spanking his monkey.

===[[Iggy Pop]], &quot;Butt Town&quot;===
:'''Iggy Pop''': The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iggy Pop''': If you live in Butt Town….
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
:'''Iggy Pop''': …you gotta get down.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You gotta get down!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town rules. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
:'''Beavis''': Can I come too?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This dude should hook up with [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

===[[w:Infectious Grooves|Infectious Grooves]]===
====&quot;Three Headed Mind Pollution&quot;====
:[''Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': What? WHAT?!
:'''Beavis''': Come here, quick! [''to himself''] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! [''he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch''] What?
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
:'''Beavis''': No, but check it out, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': It is?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
:'''Beavis''': Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
:'''Butt-head''':  Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is so cool! Yes, yes!
:'''Butt-head''':  You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, I don't know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!

====&quot;Violent and Funky&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, [[w:Chess|chest]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Mike Muir]]''': …but a [[w:.357 Magnum|.357]] gonna blow your damn head off!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [''Clown-like voice''] &quot;Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I'd say, &quot;Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would be cool.

===[[w:INXS|INXS]]===
====&quot;[[w:Devil Inside (INXS song)|Devil Inside]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, Satanic music?
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude, it's not cool enough.  [''imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in'']
:'''Butt-head''': If you play this backwards, it says, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like that [[w:Michael &quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile dude]].  The [[w:Outback|Outback]].
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;outback.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out.  [''bad Australian accent''] &quot;[[w:Dingoes ate my baby|A dingo took your baby]]!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;dingo&quot;!  What if a dingo bit off your dingo?  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': No it wouldn't!  That would suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's rock.  [''changes channel'']

====&quot;[[w:Not Enough Time|Not Enough Time]]&quot;====
:[''video is set underwater'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is wuss music!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Iron Maiden|Iron Maiden]], &quot;[[w:From Here to Eternity (Iron Maiden song)|From Here to Eternity]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, ''this'' looks like it might be good.  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.  Yeah! [''a missile strikes a road sign''] OOOOHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Ye-eeaah!  Now we're getting somewhere!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions.  Yeah!  And chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they'd be, like, &quot;We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude.  That's what got us here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iron Maiden''': Hell is from here to eternity.
:'''Butt-head''': Hell is from here to eternity?
:'''Beavis''': Um, wait a minute.  That can't be true, Butt-head.  'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, ''everywhere.''  So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, &quot;GO TO HELL!  GO TO HELL!&quot;, you're just, like, really saying, &quot;Stay right there!&quot;  You know.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  No problem.  I'll stay right here.  See?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I mean, just shut up!  It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It's just, like, stupid.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.

===[[w:Chris Isaak|Chris Isaak]], &quot;Somebody's Crying&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...what is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't really care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  They need to get up and get a job!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean, like, all the girls are ''sluts?''
:'''Butt-head''': Yep.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, now that is cool!  Yeah, yeah!  Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like [[w:Kato Kaelin|Kato Kaelin]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]].  He goes, &quot;You know, you're a great guy.  Why don't you come on over and stay a while?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  What a great guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, he does, sort of.  But that's okay.  'Cause he's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds|Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds]], &quot;Shuffle It All&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What Izzy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Who Izzy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Izzy quit [[w:Guns N' Roses|Guns N' Roses]] 'cause [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He kicked Axl's ass!  He kicked him!  Kicked him!  And he hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!  You're gonna hose your shorts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a train is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Look at that car.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's all, like, long.
:'''Butt-head''': Mass transit is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I like ass transit, too.

==J==
===[[Janet Jackson]], &quot;[[w:You Want This|You Want This]]&quot;===
:'''Janet Jackson''': Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
:'''Beavis''': Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That's a pretty nice hotel.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
:'''Beavis''': How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. A whole hour?
:'''Butt-head''': A whole whore.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, a whole whore.
:'''Butt-head''': You can get on the phone and be like &quot;Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I was just saying, &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [''muttering to himself''] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Excuse me, are those [[w:Bugle Boy|Bunghole Boys]] you're wearing?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Bunghole Boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janet Jackson''': Could you handle this?
:'''Butt-head''': Could you handle this, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is humping the couch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doin' my monkey boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, get down!
:'''Beavis''': I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…

===[[w:The Jacksons|The Jacksons]], &quot;[[w:Torture (The Jacksons song)|Torture]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Jackie Jackson|Jackie Jackson]] standing in the doorway of a temple'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Where's [[w:Tito Jackson|Tito]]?
:'''Beavis''': This is that [[w:Jermaine Jackson|Jermaine]] dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in'']
:'''Butt-head''': They're in a rubber!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  That would've been cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Guess where ''his'' hand's been!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson'']
:'''Butt-head''': TITOOO!
:'''Beavis''': Tito's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tito rules!  He used to be in [[w:Village People|The Village People]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is torture!  Change it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]], &quot;The Lumberjack&quot;===
::''See also: Jackyl, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Mental *@%#!&quot; by Jackyl|&quot;Mental Masturbation&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.''

:'''Butt-head''': [[w:chainsaw|Chainsaws]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I like when they saw stuff.

===[[w:James (band)|James]], &quot;Say Something&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Ohhh yeah.  It's from that album, ''The Classics of Suck''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is in gorilla costumes'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know what animal would listen to this crap?  Is a cow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, [[w:Warrant (American band)|Warrant]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is James.
:'''Beavis''': James who?
:'''Butt-head''': His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His parents said, &quot;Son, we know you suck, and that's okay.  But could you just, like, not use our name?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they hugged him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.  What a wuss!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Rick James|Rick James]], &quot;[[w:Super Freak|Super Freak]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:U Can't Touch This|hammer time]]!  U can't touch this!
:'''Beavis''': U can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': Touch ''this!'' [''flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': I can't ''watch'' this.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jane's Addiction|Jane's Addiction]], &quot;[[w:Mountain Song (Jane's Addiction song)|Mountain Song]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hammers|Hammers]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just ''break'' stuff. Break it!

===[[w:Jawbox|Jawbox]], &quot;Savory&quot;===
:[''three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay! [''smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: &quot;RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [''laughing''] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find ''that'' present!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the girl in the video is given an axe'']
:'''Butt-head''': These are cool presents!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: &quot;Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!&quot; 
:[''the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

===[[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary Chain]], &quot;Come On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've seen this video before.  A chick squats later.  You know...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?  Can you see some cheek?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
:'''Beavis''': Quit cursing, Butt-head.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not!  That's the name of the band, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Why would anybody name their band that?!  It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  DUN DUN DUNNN!  But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Get it on, bang your schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then there's that other part: &quot;get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Schlong.

===[[w:The Jesus Lizard|The Jesus Lizard]], &quot;Glamorous&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Buttmunch.
:'''Beavis''': LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Jesus Lizard.
:'''Beavis''': Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD!  Yeah.  I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah.  I oughta be one of those guys.  I bet - I bet I could do that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you would suck!  The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Uh...oh, really?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has &quot;Jesus&quot; in their name.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, [[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph]], like, [[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|900-Foot Jesus]], you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And most of 'em suck!

===[[w:Joan Jett|Joan Jett &amp; the Blackhearts]], &quot;[[w:Do You Wanna Touch Me|Do You Wanna Touch Me]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has a good attitude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we should touch ''them.''
:'''Butt-head''': It's a ''dude,'' Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot.  He does has big boobs, though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat'']
:'''Beavis''': Those are some dudes holding their rods.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
:'''Beavis''': Why would you need a dress??  You some kind of [[w:Transvestism|transformer]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  Not a dress.  An ''ad''dress!
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You're stupid, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Billy Joel]], &quot;[[w:Uptown Girl|Uptown Girl]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh man! What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
:'''Butt-head''': Where's he going with that magazine?
:'''Beavis''': He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing off-key''] [[w:Piano Man (song)|SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!]]

===[[w:Elton John|Elton John]] with [[w:RuPaul|RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]&quot;===
:[''the channel was changed from the video &quot;Demon Juice&quot; by [[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, now what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, this isn't much better.  What the hell is this?
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't feel like watching this either right now.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ''ever.''
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Let's never watch this again.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:JoJo (singer)|JoJo]], &quot;Worst (I Assume)&quot;===
:''[as two people in a car jolt upright]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like,  brought you back with that... [[w: defibrillator|infibulator]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That thing hurt. 
:'''Beavis''': They said you were dead for a while, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said &quot;I love you,  Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back.&quot; And then I woke up. 
:'''Beavis''': And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it. 
:'''Beavis''': In a just world, they would have killed you. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's not fair.

===[[w:Jon Spencer Blues Explosion|Jon Spencer Blues Explosion]], &quot;Dang&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right! A video! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like music videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': That was cool!
:'''Butt'head''': That's unbelievable!
:'''Beavis''': Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, got any more [[w:Nutmeg#Psychoactivity_and_toxicity|nutmeg]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't think so.
:'''Beavis''': That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

===[[w:Grace Jones|Grace Jones]], &quot;[[w:Demolition Man (song)|Demolition Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute.  This isn't cool.  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this [[w:Manute Bol|Manute Bol]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's too bad he can't sing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this ''isn't'' Manute Bol.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Manute Bol sings better than this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This man has lipstick on!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is scary.  Can I sleep at your house tonight?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, never mind.

===[[w:Jordy|Jordy]], &quot;Dur dur d'être bébé&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this kid a foreigner?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': I said, &quot;First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump.&quot; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

===[[w:Jeremy Jordan (singer, born 1973)|Jeremy Jordan]], &quot;[[w:The Right Kind of Love|The Right Kind of Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Check out this wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy Jordan''': Woo!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Jeremy Jordan''] Woo!  IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Change it.  Change it, Butt-head!  Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS!  CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Journey (band)|Journey]], &quot;[[w:Separate Ways|Separate Ways]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Partridge Family|The Partridge Family]]?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]].
:'''Beavis''': This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [[w:Steve Perry (musician)|this guy]] sucks! And then [[w:Neal Schon|''this'' guy!]] Just look at him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

===[[Judas Priest]], &quot;[[w:Painkiller (song)|Painkiller]]&quot;===
:'''Rob Halford''': ''FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!''
:'''Beavis''': [''does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey! [[w:Judas Priest#Subliminal message trial|I feel like killing myself!]] I feel like killing you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

==K==
===[[w:King Diamond (band)|King Diamond]], &quot;The Family Ghost&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from [[Sesame Street]]…[[w:Count von Count|The Count]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like [''imitating The Count''] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
:'''Beavis''': [''also imitating The Count''] Ahahahahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like &quot;Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

===[[w:King Missile|King Missile]]===
====&quot;[[w:Detachable Penis|Detachable Penis]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;[[w:penis|penis]].&quot; [''the duo [[laugh]] continuously for the remainder of the video'']

====&quot;[[w:Martin Scorsese (song)|Martin Scorsese]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:John S. Hall|John S. Hall]]''': This one's called &quot;[[Martin Scorsese]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh, &quot;Martin Scores Easy&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, this is [[#&quot;Detachable Penis&quot;|that dude who lost his penis]]!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He did that song about how he had a &quot;touchable penis&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

===[[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]], &quot;[[w:I Love It Loud|I Love It Loud]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents'']
:'''Butt-head''': Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe he's in trouble.
:[''the boy walks over to a TV'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's got a comb in his back pocket.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''KISS is shown on the TV screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': KISS rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
:'''Butt-head''': I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything.  I usually kick 'em in the nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff.  They say stuff like, &quot;AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': KISS is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When's [[w:Gene Simmons|he]] gonna spit some blood?
:'''Butt-head''': I like when he sticks his long tongue out.  [''Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out''] Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boy's mother is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.

===[[w:Kix (band)|Kix]], &quot;Cool Kids&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Holy crap!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
:'''Butt-head''': Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
:'''Butt-head''': No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That cop should hit him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Kix''': COOL! KIDS!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[w:Krokus (band)|Krokus]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': No, he's saying &quot;cool kids&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': These are supposed to be cool kids?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

===[[KMFDM]], &quot;[[w:A Drug Against War|A Drug Against War]]&quot;===
:'''Voiceover''': Kill everything, kill everything…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
:'''Butt-head''': What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I just care about my ass. [''In Cornholio accent''] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

===[[w:Chris Knox|Chris Knox]], &quot;Half Man Half Mole&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Cool, a cartoon.
:'''Butt-head''': Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
:'''Beavis''': So? Clay can be cartoons.
:'''Butt-head''': No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
:'''Beavis''': So? Drawings are things.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, [[w:Davey and Goliath|Davey and Goliath]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
:'''Beavis''': You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
:'''Butt-head''': I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [''imitating Goliath''] &quot;Uhh, Davey, you should try this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then Davey said &quot;Maybe I should pet you first.&quot; And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
:'''Butt-head''': I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

===[[w:Korn|Korn]], &quot;[[w:Blind (song)|Blind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Want me to strike you?
:'''Beavis''': No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [''Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.''] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. 
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': One can't help but be reminded of such bands as [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]], [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]], [[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': One is even reminded of [[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]] when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[''Butt-head hits him several times'']…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
:'''Butt-head''': You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow.
:'''Butt-head''': But then you did say spinxter.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

===[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], &quot;Is There Any Love in Your Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! [''Slaps Beavis'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. We should call him up and say &quot;Hey man, know where any parties are at?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, baby.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh. [''Beavis and Butt-head dance''] Lenny rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Lemmy|Lemmy]] does rule. Um, what does [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] have to do with what's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy. 
:'''Beavis''': I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You monkeyspank. [''Smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, check out that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
:'''Butt-head''': She must be like, the spare. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Right, Beavis.

===[[w:Kris Kross|Kris Kross]], &quot;[[w:Warm It Up|Warm It Up]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Warm it up, Kris!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Warm it up, Kris!  Warmer!  With fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How do those guys [[w:urinate|pee]] with their [[w:trousers|pants]] on backwards?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
:'''Butt-head''': Kross is the Mac Daddy.  And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  But they could both kick [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  What were ''we'' born to do?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...

===[[w:Krokus|Krokus]], &quot;[[w:School's Out (song)|School's Out]]&quot;===
:[''The video opens in a high school classroom.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it.  I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head:''' If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Whoa.  That locker's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Wait a minute.  What's this?  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
:'''Butt-head:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Heavy metal has come a long way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Three high school girls appear on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.  Chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really.
:[''The band is playing on stage.'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's sickening.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Lead singer [[w:Marc Storace|Marc Storace]] appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at his hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Look at his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His whole head sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  His chest is no picnic, either.
:'''Beavis''': He looks like [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Arnold_Dingfelder_Horshack|Horshack]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  With [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Juan_Luis_Pedro_Felipo_de_Huevos_Epstein|Epstein's]] hair.

==L==
===[[w:L7 (band)|L7]], &quot;[[w:Pretend We're Dead|Pretend We're Dead]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, it's The Go-Go's.
:'''Butt-head''': There are like, grudge chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Grubby chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I had ringworm in my nose once.  It was pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I remember.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's [[pretend]] we're [[dead]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool.

===[[w:LaTour|LaTour]], &quot;People Are Still Having Sex&quot;===
:[''A [[w:Mars symbol|Mars symbol]] shows up onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener? 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what wiener? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': It stands for wieners everywhere. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… yeah. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… people are still having sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
:'''Butt-head''': So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': Do you understand me?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand you, but where?! 
:'''LaTour''': Lust keeps on lurking…
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, come on! Who? Where? 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
:'''LaTour''': This AIDS thing's not working…
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, there he goes again!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [''Gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yea, bring me back a couple!

===[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]], &quot;No More 'I Love You's&quot;===
:[''A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [''camera scrolls up to dancer's face''] but it's a guy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What's her problem?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[''sings &quot;[[w:From a Distance|From a Distance]]&quot;'']. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Who did that song?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's [[Bette Midler|Butt Midler]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] divorce Minnie?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing [[w:Goofy|Goofy]]! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who's there?
:'''Beavis''': Eura. 
:'''Butt-head''': Eura who?
:'''Beavis''': You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
:'''Beavis''': Who's there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…eura.
:'''Beavis''': Eura who?
:'''Butt-head''': You're ain…urine.

===[[w:Letters to Cleo|Letters to Cleo]], &quot;Here and Now&quot;===
:[''the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot'']
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [''the camera pans down to her legs''] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, may I have another?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, [[Family Ties]], [[Full House]], [[w:My Two Dads|My Two Dads]], [[w:Growing Pains|Growing Pains]], [[w:One Day At a Time|One Day At a Time]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': [[Melrose Place]], [[Northern Exposure]], [[What's Happening!!]], [[w:Good Times|Good Times]], [[w:The Jeffersons|Jeffersons]]… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, [[Sally Struthers|that chick]] that used to be young and had big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And she was like, [[All in the Family|married to that dude and living with her parents]], and now she does [[w:ChildFund|those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! And she was also in that [[w:International Correspondence Schools|commercial for the career institute]], where she's going like, [''high-pitched voice''] &quot;You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''both laugh'']
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That'd be a good job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers nonsensically''] What? What did you say?
:'''Butt-head''': What? I didn't say anything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [''jabbers nonsensically''], didn't you say something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [''imitates Butt-head''] &quot;Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool&quot;, or something like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

===[[Jerry Lee Lewis]], &quot;Goosebumps&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
:'''Butt-head''': No, this is that dude that was in that movie.  He married his cousin, and then they [[w:Sexual intercourse|did it]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think that movie was called ''[[w:Great Balls of Fire|Great Balls of FFFFIRE!]]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': [''sternly''] Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry about that.

===[[w:Life of Agony|Life of Agony]], &quot;This Time&quot;===
:[''A man looks angrily towards the camera'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
:'''Butt-head''': You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [''Mocks Beavis's voice''] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''snickers''] Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that [[w:Christian Slater|Christian Slater]] dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like &quot;Christians? Later, dude.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
:'''Beavis''': If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Keith Caputo|Keith Caputo]]''': You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
:'''Butt-head''': Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
:'''Butt-head''': He's practically crying.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! That's too bad.

===[[w:Lil Nas X|Lil Nas X]]===
====&quot;[[w:Industry Baby|Industry Baby]]&quot; feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]]====
:''[as Lil Nas X polishes some Grammy trophies in a prison cell]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. ''[a twerking male is seen]'' See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X is seen wearing a pink uniform on the phone]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he like, working at [[w:T-Mobile|T-Mobile]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears]'' Uhhh...  Oh... never mind. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah... there he is...
:'''Butt-head''': Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. ''[Jack Harlow is in an [[w:electric chair|electric chair]], and electrocuted by Lil Nas X]'' Uh, oh. I guess they did.

====[[w:Montero (Call Me By Your Name)|Montero (Call Me By Your Name)]]====
:''[as the video begins in an ethereal landscape with a snake]''
:'''Lil Nas X''': ... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, [[w:Garden of Eden|that garden in the Bible]], where that chick, [[w:Eve|Eve]] or Eden, or whatever her name is [[w:Forbidden fruit|eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to]], and then it like [[w:Fall of man|puts a curse on the earth]].
:'''Beavis''': See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, [[w:Adam and Eve|God takes the rib out of]] [[w:Adam|that dude]], and makes a chick? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage. 
:'''Butt-head'''  Yeah. Neither would I. I'd just be a big blob of flesh with a bunch of chicks around me, and no bones. Except I'd still have ''one'' bone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Lil Nas X is surrounded by men in erotic clothing]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he ''definitely'' wants to. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for &quot;extremely interested in chicks?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X begins to caress a demon]''
:'''Beavis''': Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's [[w:Darth Maul|Darth Maul]]. Satan is like, part of the [[w:Marvel Universe|Marvel Universe]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a [[Satanism|Satanist]], and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and [[w:Libertarianism|Liberatarianism]] or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!
:'''Butt-head''': And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that [[September 11 attacks|7-Eleven]] was an [[w:9/11 conspiracy theories|inside job]]? They don't want you to know that. 
:'''Butt-head''': They suck.

===[[w:Live (band)|Live]], &quot;[[w:I Alone|I Alone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No he's not! Liar.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he is. He's like, &quot;I like what I see. I'll be right over.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': He said, &quot;I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said &quot;Where are your drums?&quot; and he’s like, &quot;Uhh, I thought they were in the van.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': And they’re like, &quot;You mean you didn’t bring your drums?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And they said &quot;Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

===[[w:LMFAO|LMFAO]], &quot;[[w:Champagne Showers|Champagne Showers]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, the same dance they did in [[w:Party Rock Anthem|Party Rock Anthem]], except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I thought like, that the [[Great Recession|ecomony sucks]], and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, [[wikipedia:Berry_Gordy|their grandpa is like the same guy]], so they don't care. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh... I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!

===[[w:Lordz of Brooklyn|Lordz of Brooklyn]], &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:American Woman (song)|American Woman]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption &quot;Scotty&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]. [''imitates Scotty''] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! [[w:Jump Around|Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!]]
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Scotty''] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
:'''Beavis''': These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be [[w:House of Pain|House of Pain]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And the [[w:Beastie Boys|Beastie Boys]], and uh, [[Goodfellas]]…
:'''Beavis''': And [[Reservoir Dogs|Resavore Dogs]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these guys, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
:'''Beavis''': I thought there was only one [[w:Jesus Christ|Lord]]. That's what they said in Sunday school.
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

===[[w:G. Love &amp; Special Sauce|G. Love &amp; Special Sauce]], &quot;Cold Beverage&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen this video before. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, [[w:Extra-sensory perception|ESP]]…[[w:ESPN|N]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna say &quot;Yeah, huh huh huh huh&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool! 
:'''Butt-head''': I knew you were gonna say that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': Cut it out, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't ever think about that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Is it a suitcase of some kind?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
:'''Butt-head''': No, but that's not a bad idea. [''slaps Beavis several times'']

==M==
===[[w:MARRS|MARRS]], &quot;[[w:Pump Up the Volume (song)|Pump Up the Volume]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this PBS?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uhh...I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the planet Saturn is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Uranus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uranus is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

===[[w:M.I.R.V.|M.I.R.V.]], &quot;Shave My Face Off&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
:'''Beavis''': I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
:'''Butt-head''': You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna suck.

===[[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fever (Madonna song)|Fever]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick was married to [[Sean Penn|that dude]] who would punch you if you took his picture.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That, uh, [[Woody Allen]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with [[w:Soon-Yi Previn|his daughter]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...not if his name was Woody. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  What if his name was Stiffy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well...maybe.  Stiffy Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Stiffy Allen!  Woodrow Allen!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Ahhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at her thingies!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  I like when they push together really close.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, dude.  She's filthy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Secret (Madonna song)|Secret]]&quot;====
:[''a faster version of the video is playing'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this sounds different.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it was slower before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And she was ''walking'' slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, me too.  I'd like to have sex with her.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah.  Yeah.  That would kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna looks pretty normal here.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.  But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, no - no, I'd ''do'' her.  No - yeah.  I mean, I'd ''do'' her, yeah.  I'm not saying that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair.  It's not white.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  So am I!  You know, during her videos?  Yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna.  When ''you'' spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um, that's ''little'' Beavis.  Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

===[[Marilyn Manson]]===
====&quot;[[w:Get Your Gunn|Get Your Gunn]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The housewife I will beat…
:'''Beavis''': The asswipe I will beat? 
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
:'''Beavis''': Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who cares?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! I think he's saying &quot;Get your gun.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is one of those &quot;Stop the violence&quot; things…you know, like enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, [[w:Give Peace a Chance|gave peace a chance]], and like…''[Butt-head smacks Beavis''] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[''Butt-head slaps Beavis again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

====&quot;[[w:Long Hard Road Out of Hell|Long Hard Road Out of Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…boy, [[Cher]] has sure gone downhill.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called [[w:menopause|mentopause]], and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think there's some [[w:urine|wee-wee]] there too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's [[Charles Manson]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
:'''Butt-head''': You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this [[w:Manson family|Manson dude's family]], and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Really? I'll be damned. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
:'''Butt-head''': These people are messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to make love to her. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Me too.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [''Beavis screams''] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis! 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
:'''Butt-head''': No I didn't, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yes you did! You said &quot;Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [''singing''] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's [[w:Matt Pinfield|Matt Pinfield]]!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Laughs''] Beavis is a lesbian.

===[[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], &quot;[[w:Take This Heart|Take This Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's touching his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch ''my'' wiener.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [''scratching his wiener, chuckling'']

===[[w:Ava Max|Ava Max]], &quot;[[w:Torn (Ava Max song)|Torn]]&quot;===
:''[the video continuously showcases a [[w:Fiat|Fiat]] car]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they keep showing this car?
:'''Butt-head''': Well Beavis, that's because it's the [[w:Fiat 500X|Fiat 500X]], the best mid-sized sedan on the market today. 
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead. 
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock. 
:'''Beavis''': Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable. 
:'''Beavis''': It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me. 
:'''Beavis''': What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!
:'''Butt-head''': No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which ''[[w:Car and Driver|Car and Driver]]'' recently called &quot;the ultimate thrill ride.&quot; Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there. 
:'''Beavis''': Why would Fiat give you a free car?
:'''Butt-head''': Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. ''[Beavis leaves to go look]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't see anything, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, are you sure?
:'''Beavis''': Yup. No cars out here at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon. 
:'''Beavis''': You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|MC 900 Ft. Jesus]], &quot;If I Only Had a Brain&quot;===
:[''Beavis hums along with the bassline'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, &quot;Take me to somewhere cool&quot;. Beavis, shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''still humming along''] Higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Still be here with you…
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': OOOWW!! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? [''smacks Beavis again''] Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': AH! OW! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Higher, higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [''fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.'']

===[[w:Reba McEntire|Reba McEntire]], &quot;[[w:Take It Back (Reba McEntire song)|Take It Back]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I'd like to make a motion.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!  [''moons the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot; reruns!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; reruns!  This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the one where they sing in court.
:'''Beavis''': No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the same show, dumbass.  There only ''was'' one show!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone'']
:'''Butt-head''': No sax in court!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The [[w:Prosecutor|prostitution]] rests!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Change it!  Change it, quick!

===[[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]], &quot;[[w:Don't Worry, Be Happy|Don't Worry, Be Happy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  I think I'm gonna try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  So am I.  [''slaps Beavis across the face'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm not worried.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Does ''this'' worry you?  [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head!  I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call me that, Butt-head!  [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': UUH!  I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
:[''the two start continuously hitting each other'']
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!  CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': AAAHH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, the fight's over, I won.
:'''Beavis''': No you didn't, Butt-head, ''I'' won.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[Mrs. Doubtfire|Mrs. Doubt''FIRE!'']]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think [[Robin Williams|that guy]]'s very funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...okay.

===[[Megadeth]], &quot;[[w:Sweating Bullets|Sweating Bullets]]&quot;===
::''See also: Megadeth, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot; by Megadeth|&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.''

:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  [''sounding like Dave Mustaine''] He doesn't talk like me.
:'''Butt-head''': He sorta talks like you.  He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that dude doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': That's [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].  
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Was this guy raised by wolves?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Wolves are cool.  If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too.  And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===The Meices, &quot;Daddy's Gone to California&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] driving a convertible'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar.  Um...whoa, that's that guy!  Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house?  That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I recognize him, that's him!  That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?  It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
:'''Butt-head''': You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I wasn't.  I was looking, like, ''around'' his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?  He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Well...you're ''almost'' there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Um, how do I get big and fat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it sucks!

===[[w:John Cougar Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]], &quot;Pop Singer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.

===[[w:Melvins|Melvins]], &quot;Hooch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Buzz Osborne|Buzz Osborne]]''': Los ticka toe rest…
:'''Butt-head''': What? I can't understand what he's saying.
:'''Beavis''': What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': …sender bright like a penelty…
:'''Beavis''': Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, like, right here, he says, uh…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
:'''Beavis''': Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
:'''Butt-head''': These words rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
:'''Butt-head''': If you had a boner, they would.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are submerged in water'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[Water]] is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [''sings along''] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

===[[w:Men Without Hats|Men Without Hats]], &quot;[[w:The Safety Dance|The Safety Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Beavis''': I think it's that bee from that [[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]] [[w:No Rain|video]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool, if [[Robin Hood]] came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Men Without Hats''': We can dance, we can dance…
:'''Butt-head''': This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need to go to a [[Pantera]] concert to learn how to dance.
:'''Butt-head''': They'd get their butts slammed around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

===[[w:Mercyful Fate|Mercyful Fate]], &quot;The Bellwitch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean the [[w:Hamburglar|Hamburglar]], dude.
:'''Beavis''': No, he's a Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, &quot;Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass.&quot; But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, &quot;You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Not if I spun it around really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [''high-pitched groaning'']. Like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.

===[[Metallica]]===
====&quot;[[w:For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica song)|For Whom the Bell Tolls]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yes!  Yes, yes!  ROCK!  ROCK!
:'''Butt-head''': Sit your ass down, [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]].  Play the drums like you're supposed to.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [''Lars Ulrich points at the crowd''] See?  He's said, &quot;There's Beavis&quot;, see? And there I am, right there!  See?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Your mom's a slut!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, Metallica sucks.  And you've never made out with a chick, either.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Shut up! [''the two can be seen hitting each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That [[w:James Hetfield|James Hetfield]] dude looks like the [[w:Cowardly Lion|Cowardly Lion]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES! YES! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Not really, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': I know. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose'']
:'''Butt-head''': See, look inside this dude's nose.
:'''Beavis''': I know. It's cool. Dumbass
:'''Butt-head''': Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. I think it's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like [[w:GWAR|GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

====&quot;[[w:One (Metallica song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's this?
:'''Butt-head''': You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on the rather clean and slow intro'']
:'''Beavis''': This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It starts going, &quot;Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Isn't he that dude on that [[w:The Addams Family|Addams Family]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of [[w:Lurch (The Addams Family)|Lurch]], dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He could kick [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]'s butt too.
:'''Butt-head''': Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Lurch''] Uhhh, you rang, [[w:Morticia Addams|Mrs. Addams]], uhhh?
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the music starts becoming more metallic'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': They rule.
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Sorry, man.

===[[w:MGMT|MGMT]]===
====&quot;[[w:It's Working|It's Working]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at [[w:IKEA|IKEA]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, &quot;sleep&quot; and &quot;get it on.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… &quot;just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… [[w:Foster care|the Fosters.]] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The drummer appears wearing a [[w:sombrero|sombrero]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
:'''Beavis''': Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… really?
:'''Beavis''': Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intoler-ble or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

====&quot;[[w:Kids (MGMT song)|Kids]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''?
:'''Beavis''': No no no no.  I've seen all of those.  Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, ''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]'' season 3!  I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
:'''Butt-head''': She's a lousy mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this Florida?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh… [''monsters and zombie-looking people around''] Yup, that's Florida.  Florida sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah that's messed up.  What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! They're like, &quot;Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you're one now!  It's time you start pulling your weight around here!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with [[AC/DC]] on it, then he would kick ass.

===[[w:The Mighty Mighty Bosstones|The Mighty Mighty Bosstones]], &quot;[[w:Detroit Rock City|Detroit Rock City]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Okay, here we go, another video.  Line 'em up.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:[''a car peels out'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, peel out!  Burn rubber, yeah!  Tear aaassssss!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two young men with long hair go inside a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, fight!  Fight!  Fight!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, hit him!
:[''a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep'']
:'''Beavis''': Kick the pumpkin!  Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  Hippies never break stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what about that [[w:Gallagher (comedian)|Gallagher]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men start vandalizing vehicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Throwing eggs, very nice.  M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house.  It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  I wish someone would toilet paper ''my'' house.  I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've been using this washcloth.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

===[[w:Milla Jovovich|Milla]], &quot;Gentlemen Who Fell&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The [[w:Return to the Blue Lagoon|second one]] of that [[The Blue Lagoon|first one]] where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears'']
:'''Beavis''': OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure did. And it was cool.
:'''Beavis''': I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You could see everything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
:'''Butt-head''': I like this song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, it's [[w:Death (personification)|Death]]!
:'''Beavis''': If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
:'''Butt-head''': Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
:'''Butt-head''': [''shudders''] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That spider's gonna do her.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she's naked again!
:'''Beavis''': Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': Her what?
:'''Beavis''': Her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean her butt, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
:'''Butt-head''': It's called a butt, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying &quot;butt&quot; sometimes.  I thought I'd throw rump in.

===[[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]], &quot;[[w:Barbie Tingz|Barbie Tingz]]&quot;===
:''[as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a ''whole lotta'' lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, &quot;Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong,&quot; and I'd be lying, but then my schlong ''would'' get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even ''need'' the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um,  I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': That was quite a ride, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my ''seventh'' leg?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that ''always'' grows up? Know what I'm saying?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says &quot;bitch&quot; I get to smack you. 
:'''Beavis''': No way! Why would I do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says &quot;butt,&quot; you can smack me. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.
:'''Butt-head''': Now let the games begin.
:'''Nicki Minaj''': ...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... ''[Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis]'' Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': ''[getting smacked]'' Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': Wait, I think she- ahh! ''[gets smacked more]'' Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': When we say &quot;Gun the bitch,&quot; dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!
:'''Beavis''': Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh! 
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...
:'''Butt-head''': I win. ''[smacks Beavis a few more times]''
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I did not think she would say &quot;bitch&quot; so much when I agreed- ''[Butt-head smacks him]'' Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- ''[gets smacked again]'' Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

===[[w:Ministry (band)|Ministry]], &quot;[[w:Just One Fix|Just One Fix]]&quot;===
:[''A tornado is shown on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now we're getting somewhere!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
:'''Butt-head''': Even [[William S. Burroughs|the old dude]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like the tornado.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Almost everything in this video is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
:[''A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink'']
:'''Butt-head''': So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AARGHH! That was disgusting!
:'''Butt-head''': You asked for it, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

===[[Kylie Minogue]], &quot;[[w:The Loco-Motion|The Loco-Motion]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]!
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah.  They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play [[w:Ken (Barbie)|Ken]].
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has more teeth than most people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bite me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She looks like that chick in the mall.
:'''Beavis''': Chicken what?
:'''Butt-head''': That chick in the mall!
:'''Beavis''': That chicken?  What do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': No, asswipe!  I'm talking about that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean that chick that works at [[w:Chick-fil-A|Chick-fil-A]]?  That chicken place?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  I'm not talking about chicken!  Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
:'''Beavis''':  Shut up, Butt-head!  You did talk about chicken!  You said that chicken mall!
:'''Butt-head''': I said that ''chick in the mall''!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is upbeat. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It makes me want to get up and beat it.
:'''Butt-head''':  You said &quot;up.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': This ''video''?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Missing Persons (band)|Missing Persons]], &quot;Words&quot;===
:'''[[w:Dale Bozzio|Dale Bozzio]]''': Do you hear me?
:'''Beavis''': [''Mocking''] Do you hear me? 
:'''Dale Bozzio''':  Do you care?
:'''Butt-head''': Do I care? No!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

===[[w:Moist (band)|Moist]], &quot;Push&quot;===
:[''The lead singer is tapping the side of his head'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's thinking.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
:'''Lead Singer''': (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy pronounces words weird.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''mocking the singer''] A little bit more than you could ever say. [''normal voice''] Heh, heh, heh. [''mocking the singer again''] Fade away, fade away. [''normal voice''] What kind of an accent is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''during the guitar solo'']
:'''Beavis''': What's that dude's problem?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going &quot;Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, what's he doing?
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

===[[w:Monster Magnet|Monster Magnet]], &quot;Negasonic Teenage Warhead&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay. Poop!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Uranus|Uranus]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin''] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out! A flying [[w:Pop-Tarts|Poop-tart]]! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, stop the car dude!
:'''Beavis''': I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll just talk about [[w:urine|wee-wee]]. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

===[[w:Morbid Angel|Morbid Angel]], &quot;God of Emptiness&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal [[w:music videos|videos]] with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer roars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. Was that a bear?
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. [''Beavis imitates the singer''] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, beavis, it's that dude from [[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy of Mayberry]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean [[w:Barney Fife|Barney]]? [''imitates [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]''] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to [[w:Mount Pilot|Mount Pilot]] and worship Satan.
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. [[w:Goober Pyle|Goober]] spelled backwards is &quot;booger&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is where it starts to get really stupid. [''imitates the singer''] Bow to me, faithfully…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me…uh…
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me faithfully…
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': [''in unison''] Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me splendidly…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

===[[w:Morphine (band)|Morphine]], &quot;Honey White&quot;===
:[''a beehive is shown onscreen'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's [[Jon Stewart]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's horny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark Sandman|Mark Sandman]]''': I like to see a little more fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in the video is spinning around'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Look what she's doing.
:'''Beavis''': I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

===[[Morrissey]], &quot;[[w:November Spawned a Monster|November Spawned a Monster]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''': Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
:'''Beavis''': You're lucky I didn't ''barf'' on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to hump a rock.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
:'''Beavis''': OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
:'''Beavis''': OW! OW! Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
:'''Butt-head''': You tell him, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

===[[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dr. Feelgood (song)|Dr. Feelgood]]&quot;====
:[''video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Somebody pitched a tent.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now this is feel-good music.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video tells a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is: [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]] is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That guy from [[w:Danzig (band)|Danzig]] could kick his ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What does &quot;Dr. Feelgood&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video has fire, and cars...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And tattoos, and leather.
:'''Butt-head''': Now all it needs is some chicks.  Then it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't as cool as ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Hooligan's Holiday|Hooligan's Holiday]]&quot;====
:[''a mouth is shown behind an open zipper'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think it's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I don't think that's ''her,'' Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, your mom's a road slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe.  She like, hangs out with bands like [[w:Foghat|Foghat]] and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  My mom's a slut!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Corabi''': Hooligan's holiday...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bennigan|Bennigan's]] holiday?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I thought they were open all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.  I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

===[[w:The Murmurs|The Murmurs]], &quot;You Suck&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, um...hmm.  Is this a diaper commercial?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, this is a [[w:Douche|douche]] commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Ahh, that's funny, douche.  [''cackles''] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that would rule!  'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': And I'm not talking about washing your ''whole'' butt -- I'm talking about washing your butt''hole''. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Murmurs''': And for that, you suck...
:'''Beavis''': Um...they just said you suck. 
:'''Butt-head''': No they didn't, they said ''you'' sucked.  They ripped off my idea for a song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you, like, already ripped off the idea for ''me'', bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that I shouldn't?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right.  Now sit there and shut up.  Nutsack. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's just a koala bear.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well alright, then.

===[[w:Mutha's Day Out|Mutha's Day Out]], &quot;Locked&quot;===
:''[the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What is all this stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, somebody's talking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, there's some guy going...''[mutters incoherent gibberish]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
:'''Butt-head''': Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are like a cross between like, [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on [[w:Hee Haw|Hee Haw]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. ''[sings]'' You met another and...''[farts]'' ...you was gone.''
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty good, Butt-head.

===[[w:My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult|My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult]], &quot;Blue Buddha&quot;===
:[''a man's cheeks are shown flapping'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you see that guy's cheeks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That was cool.  I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too.  I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': They should put ''that'' in every video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' all that stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': All ''what'' stuff?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff?  It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they ''always'' have on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, is that what that is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this song is called &quot;Blue Buddha.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pull up your pants, cut it out!

==N==
===[[w:Napalm Death|Napalm Death]], &quot;[[w:Plague Rages|Plague Rages]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, something's wrong.  It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It looks like it might come out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of ''Godzilla's'' butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If it ''did'' come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a decomposed horse is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time we found that dead horse?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That was sad.  Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead?  Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Me'shell Ndegéocello|Me'shell Ndegéocello]], &quot;If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)&quot;===
:'''Girl in video''': I feel like such an ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I feel like an ass, too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass, too?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a different girl in the music video screams'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
:'''Butt-head''': You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
:'''Beavis''': They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So like, this chick will only do you if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…[[w:Frustration|struss-frating]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up, and like…[[w:Free Your Mind|free your mind]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

===[[w:Ned's Atomic Dustbin|Ned's Atomic Dustbin]], &quot;All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': ''Maps''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you were like, &quot;Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He believed me!
:'''Beavis''': He was like goin': &quot;Uh huh, okay, uh hmm&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Um, is it normal to get wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! &quot;SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [''in a very high pitched voice''] &quot;''Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [''in a deeper voice''] &quot;Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You have a high voice, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!

===[[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], &quot;[[w:(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection|(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks look like guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one's not wearing a bra.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, asswipe.  They're Elvis' kids!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I get the one on the left.  You get the ugly one.  [changes channel]

===[[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]], &quot;Sister of Pain&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Cool!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?  This sucks!  Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  Vince Neil's a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]] fired this dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They fired him.  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Lee|Tommy Lee]] should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.  ''That's'' pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
:'''Beavis''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': What does that mean?  Who writes this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!

===[[w:New Kids on the Block|New Kids on the Block]], &quot;[[w:Hangin' Tough (song)|Hangin' Tough]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  They could kick 'em!  And punch 'em, too!  Like [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]]!  He could come out and kick all these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''New Kids on the Block''': Just hangin' tough...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;hangin'.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nine Inch Nails|Nine Inch Nails]]===
====&quot;[[w:Head Like a Hole|Head Like a Hole]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Head]]. Huh-huh, huh-huh. These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:March of the Pigs|March of the Pigs]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Those drums sound [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitates drum sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably listening to [[Pantera]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[Trent Reznor]] starts singing'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock! [''Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
:'''Butt-head''': You said [[w:douche|douche]].
:'''Beavis''': Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''during the [[w:Bridge (music)|bridge]] of the song''] This part of the song sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
:'''Butt-head''': [''bridge of song ends''] Yeah. That's more like it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just drunk off his ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''Reznor presses against keyboard''] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''farts towards the quiet end of song'']
:'''Beavis''': Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
:'''Butt-head''': Good night!

====&quot;[[w:Wish (Nine Inch Nails song)|Wish]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these [[w:music videos|videos]] have [[w:cage|cages]] in them?
:'''Beavis''': Because they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': This is like a [[w:zoo|zoo]], where they keep cool people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Nail (fastener)|nails]] are cool.

===[[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]]===
::''See also: Nirvana, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot; by Nirvana|&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.''
====&quot;[[w:Heart-Shaped Box|Heart-Shaped Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!  Nirvarna rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  This is cool!  But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  I wish I had nightmares about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary.  It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]], and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me.  AAAHHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song's chorus plays'']
:'''Butt-head''': This part rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Rock!  ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You know the bass player in this band?  He looks just like a regular guy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  It's like, [[w:Kurt Cobain|he]] pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?  So what?  You got a problem with that?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That room is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]'s bedroom.  I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No you're not!  You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I am too gonna fix my room up!  Butthole!

====&quot;[[w:Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells Like Teen Spirit]]&quot;&lt;!--The video is mislabelled onscreen as &quot;Teen Spirit&quot;.--&gt;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt! [[Nirvana (band)|Nivarna]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video''] Beavis's dad!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, [[w:Grunge|grudge]] music?
:'''Beavis''': Grudge music is that stuff those guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]] play.  Where ''is'' Seattle?  Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?  It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
:'''[[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]''': Hello, hello, hello, how low...
:'''Beavis''': Hello?  Hello?  Hello, may I help you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' teen spirit?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, if you don't know, ''I'm'' not gonna tell you.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look, this video has cymbals.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is that what they mean when they say videos have [[w:Symbolism|cymbalism]]?
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You said &quot;ism&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Pep rallies suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nitzer Ebb|Nitzer Ebb]], &quot;Fun to Be Had&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
:'''Beavis''': It was here that [[George Washington]] first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': An anchor!
:'''Butt-head''': [''mocking their accents''] Like an ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': Like an ankaa!
:'''Butt-head''': An ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': What you say should be from your own mind…
:'''Butt-head''': What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [''exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [''jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']

===[[w:Mojo Nixon|Mojo Nixon]], &quot;Elvis is Everywhere&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going &quot;I know that's right. Hallelujah.&quot; And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, &quot;Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, you're right. [''angry''] Dammit! I got ripped off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Nixon''': [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]] is in your jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Elvis  is in our jeans?
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has ''left'' my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, oh. Okay. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in [[Joan Rivers]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [''imitating Joan Rivers''] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Go-karts rule. 
:'''Beavis''': When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [''imitates an engine''] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

===[[w:Nudeswirl|Nudeswirl]]===
====&quot;Buffalo&quot;====
:[''video opens with a long object in the dark'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what the hell ''is'' that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, what the hell ''was'' that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what did he say??
:'''Shane Green:''': Sit them out on the edge of the river.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said!  I - I think he said &quot;river&quot;!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Good ear, Beavis.  So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, y - yeah.  [''buffalo horns are shown''] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': ...wolves ''eat'' buffalo!
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what they do for a living.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Buffalo rule!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': Die like hell, but you know you should care...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I...I just heard another word!  I think he said &quot;two&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;two,&quot; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a word.  That's a number.
:'''Beavis''': Well, so what, I heard it.  Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Or maybe two wolves.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  There's a ''chick'' in a river.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, see?  See, so that's why he said &quot;river.&quot;

====&quot;F-Sharp&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] if we had, like, [[w:garbage|garbage]] blowing around in the [[house]].

===[[Ted Nugent]], &quot;Heads Will Roll&quot;===
:[''a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ew! That was disgusting!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that dude from [[w:Damn Yankees (band)|Damn Yankees]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should chop other people's heads off in [[w:music videos|videos]]. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to look all scary.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
:'''Beavis''': At least it was gruesome.

===[[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;[[w:Cars (song)|Cars]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]?
:'''Beavis''': No way.  I mean, this guy's a puss!  But it's a different puss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is [[w:Androgyny|andropynous]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Audrey Nuna|Audrey Nuna]], feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]], &quot;Comic Sans&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Audrey rapping and acting nonchalantly]''
:'''Beavis''': Why's she so bored?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor]'' What?! Again?!
:'''Beavis''': You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's like &quot;Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo &quot;Jack Harlow sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. &quot;Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then I'd be like, &quot;No, I want it on ''your'' forehead.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Then he'd be like, &quot;Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh...&quot;

==O==
===[[w:Mark O'Connor|Mark O'Connor]], &quot;The Devil Comes Back to Georgia&quot;===
:''[as the video starts energetically with fire and other flashy effects]''
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! 
:''[their excitement begins to dwindle as [[w:Charlie Daniels|Charlie Daniels]] is seen playing his fiddle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... uhhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Yea- uh... huh... uh...
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]''': ''[on a hill with a Bible]'' Been ten long years [[w:The Devil Went Down to Georgia|since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet]], and it burned inside his mind...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Look at this guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Who's he talking to?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmm... I don't know. 
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, one of those priests?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': &quot;The sin of pride,&quot; the devil cried, &quot;is what will do you in.&quot;
:'''[[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]]''': &quot;I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that? ''[mockingly]'' &quot;I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... or will you let the devil be the best?
:'''Beavis''': That dude on the hill is pretty cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Travis Tritt|Travis Tritt]]''': &quot;Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that supposed to be [[w:Satan|Satan]]?
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like that [[w:Wolfgang Van Halen|fat dude]] in [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].
:'''Beavis''': They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen scarier Satans in a [[w:Mr. Big (American band)|Mr. Big]] video. What's he doing with his hands?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], and it would have been scarier than this!

===[[w:Sinead O'Connor|Sinead O'Connor]], &quot;[[w:Nothing Compares 2 U|Nothing Compares 2 U]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No way.  Check out this chick.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This sucks.  Change it.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Odds (band)|Odds]], &quot;Heterosexual Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, &quot;Hey, how's it goin', man?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then they'd kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean on the TV?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  ''In'' the TV.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  Okay, look at the TV.  You see those guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's where I saw the naked chick!
:'''Beavis''': Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Are you stupid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Oh Land|Oh Land]], &quot;White Nights&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
:'''Beavis''': She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, &quot;ooh, yeah.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She's like, &quot;uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, very good! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Have another drink and continue.
:'''Beavis''': And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
:'''Butt-head''': The rich guy's probably like, &quot;uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff.&quot; And he's like &quot;if you want, I can help you become a citizen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.

===[[w:Oingo Boingo|Oingo Boingo]], &quot;[[w:Weird Science (song)|Weird Science]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope''] That chick is really hung.
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't funny!  Dumbass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they didn't let that dude back in [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]]?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is like, complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's stupid.

===[[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]], &quot;Sacred Emotion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those beer commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing…..&quot;Step out of the old, and into the cold&quot;…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…&quot;Nothing Beats a [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Butt!]]&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he's a wuss. 
:'''Butt-head''': He probably has saggy pecs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know their dad, [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Osmond]], like, [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killed one of the presidents]] or something?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
:'''Butt-head''': That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Is this the [[w:Mormon Tabernacle Choir|Moron Tabernacle Choir]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I hate this [[w:Mormon music|moron music]].

===[[Our Lady Peace]], &quot;Starseed&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, it's those &quot;Black Hole Sun&quot; mountains!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: &quot;Up on your left is Soundgarden&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [derisively] ''Church''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, [[w:Snake_handling|snakes in church]], and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
:'''Beavis''': I know, but I've seen it in [[w:music videos|videos]] and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: &quot;''Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! &quot;''Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…''&quot;
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': &quot;…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care.  And we'll all join in and sing!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

===[[w:Overkill (band)|Overkill]], &quot;Hello From the Gutter&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I would watch it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Ellsworth|Bobby Ellsworth]]''': Hello from the gutter!
:'''Beavis''': What's he saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think he's saying &quot;yellow butter&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Ellsworth''': Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Beavis''': [''doing a high-pitched impersonation''] '''WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'''

==P==
===[[w:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], &quot;[[w:Simply Irresistible (song)|Simply Irresistible]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those [[w:karaoke|croaky-okey]] bars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, &quot;I'm crazy…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…&quot; [''mock-Chinese gibberish''] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say that, Beavis!

===[[Pantera]]===
====&quot;[[w:I'm Broken|I'm Broken]]&quot;====
:'''Both''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [''turns the volume down'']
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go''] Here we go.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock, rock, rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': [''trying to yell above the noise''] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
:'''Beavis''': I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT?
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
:'''Beavis''': IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
:'''Beavis''': OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
:'''Butt-head''': LET ME SEE!! [''presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level''] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
:'''Beavis''': DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
:'''Butt-head''': LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

====&quot;[[w:Mouth For War|Mouth For War]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Phil Anselmo|Phil Anselmo]]''': WRONG!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay. [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This singer looks pretty mean.
:'''Beavis''': Do you think he gets all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
:'''Beavis''': The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

====&quot;[[w:This Love (Pantera song)|This Love]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so. [[w:Phil Anselmo|This guy]]'s dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. He was like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He was like, &quot;You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!&quot;

===[[Dolly Parton]], &quot;More Where That Came From&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is that chick with those big hooters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah!  [''imitating Dolly Parton''] WORKING NINE TO FIVE!  IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dolly Parton''': I know I've got some stiff competition...
:'''Butt-head''': ''Stiff'' competition?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  She's talking about us.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, country music?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  I mean big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Pavement (band)|Pavement]]===
====&quot;Cut Your Hair&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's &quot;BUTT-WIPE&quot; music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members trips over a table'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: &quot;Soooo, how's school?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually say: &quot;It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool! 

====&quot;Rattled by the Rush&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, it's another one of these. [''Beavis groans''] They need to try harder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is just horrible.
:'''Beavis''': If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like [[w:The Jesus Lizard|Jesus Lizard]]! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think these guys are just lazy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': You poop in the tub?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're disgusting, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Heheh, yeah.

===[[Katy Perry]], &quot;[[w:Firework (song)|Firework]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you light the fireworks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, yeah, I tried, but every time I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katy Perry''': You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
:'''Beavis''': My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that [[w:Dove (toiletries)|Dove model]] by the pool. You are a waste of space.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not a firework.
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [''Kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] I am a firework!
:'''Butt-head''': [''in agony''] Dammit, Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': I'm an [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]].

===[[Tom Petty]], &quot;It's Good to Be King&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that kid from that &quot;[[w:Losing My Religion|Losing My Religion]]&quot; video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Petty''': It's good to get high…
:'''Butt-head''': It's good to get high?
:'''Beavis''': What kind of message is that sending?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own [[w:perineum|taint]]. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': See, I'm always thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Velvet Jones|Velvet Jones]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. He's cool. [''imitates [[Eddie Murphy]]''] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah , yeah. [''also impersonating Eddie Murphy''] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, &quot;How to Be a Ho&quot;! [''normal voice''] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's on TV, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
:'''Butt-head''': He got famous because he's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

===[[Phish]], &quot;[[w:Down With Disease|Down With Disease]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Diving into the what?
:'''Butt-head''': The fishtank, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
:'''Beavis''': Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's a toilet. See?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Fish are stupid.
:'''Butt-head''': They're like &quot;Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. [''Beavis opens his mouth wide''] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

===[[Pink Floyd]], &quot;[[w:High Hopes (Pink Floyd somg)|High Hopes]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, is this Yanni? [''pause''] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
:'''Beavis''': Are they from England?
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [''sings''] &quot;The grass was greener…&quot; and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - &quot;Wha-ha!&quot; - and then I would score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name &quot;Pink Floyd&quot;, and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it ''is'' wuss music, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

===[[w:Pizzicato Five|Pizzicato Five]], &quot;Twiggy, Twiggy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. [''sings in a fake Mexican accent''] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What language is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think it's like…French.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Or Mexican, or something.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [''Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are &quot;taco supremo&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from ''[[w:My Three Sons|My Three Sons]]''! That's [[w:Barry Livingston|Ernie]] from ''My Three Sons''! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [''Imitates Ernie''] Hey [[w:William Demarest|Uncle Charley]]. Seems like a lot of work to me.
:'''Beavis''': [''Also imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Continuously imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and [[w:Stanley Livingston|Chip]] are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
:'''Beavis''': And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [''Imitates Uncle Charley''] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

===[[w:Plain White T's|Plain White T's]], [[w:1, 2, 3, 4 (Plain White T's song)|1, 2, 3, 4]]===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, one of those commercials where you don't know what it's for.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is it for?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's that one where guy's like, &quot;When disaster strikes, you want to be covered.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No no, that one has [[w:Dennis Haysbert|that guy]] who [[w:David Palmer (24)|used to be president]] before [[w:Barack Obama|Obama]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, it's another one of those boner drug commercials.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Everyday, millions of Americans can't get wood.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ask your doctor is Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, double vision, blurriness, dizziness, confusion...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And a boner that goes on for four hours.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

===[[w:Plasmatics|Plasmatics]], &quot;The Damned&quot;===
:[''video opens with this message: &quot;WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS.  YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out.  A warning!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That means they're gonna do something cool.
:[''a fire is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like that fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  [[w:Wendy O. Williams|She]]'s almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she has nails coming out of her arms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Come to Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she's holding a bomb.
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is gonna be cool!
:[''the bus smashes through the TVs'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  Check it out!  This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus'']
:'''Butt-head''': This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And TVs getting smashed, and screaming.  It's got something for everyone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:[''Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
:'''Butt-head''': Now that really ''was'' cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Buster Poindexter|Buster Poindexter]], &quot;Zat You Santa Claus?&quot;===
:'''Buster''': ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Butt-head''': This guy seems pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those &quot;[[w:Cannibalism|cannibists]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, &quot;cannilbulsists&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': How come boogers don't, like, stink?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

===[[Poison (band)|Poison]]===
====&quot;I Want Action&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember back when they used to play [[w:music videos|videos]] by these guys all the time?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that really sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, [''high-pitched voice''] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the names of the band members are flashed onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bobby Dall|Bobby]]. [[w:C. C. DeVille|C.C.]], and [[w:Bret Michaels|Brettt]]!
:'''Beavis''': And don't forget [[w:Rikki Rockett|Rikki]]!

====&quot;[[w:Unskinny Bop|Unskinny Bop]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': And to think that [[w:Bret Michaels|this dude]] used to boff [[Pamela Anderson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Like that would ever happen.
:'''Beavis''': I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…[[Tony Robbins|Anthony Roberts]], he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, [[w:Scott Baio|Scott Baio]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

===[[w:Porno for Pyros|Porno for Pyros]], &quot;[[w:Pets (song)|Pets]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these squares?
:'''Beavis''': [[Orange (colour)|Orange]] squares suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
:'''Beavis''': Geometry's not about squares.  It's about triangles and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': I meant ''advanced'' geometry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys sure got wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker!  These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]]===
====&quot;[[w:Circles (Post Malone song)|Circles]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with Post Malone, in medieval armor, kneeling]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Jesus Christ of the Lord, God on High, thank you for making me Post Malone.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Thank you for making me rich, and have lots of chicks too. Amen.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Whoa, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong! It's just wide open! And his testes too!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he just doesn't care about his weiner.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. &quot;An evil rises in [[w:Mordor|Mordor]], but Post Malone shall not wear any armor on his schlong!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a woman without a mouth is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' &quot;A bad guy now... I don't believe it...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he looks lazy. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the mouthless woman is shown with long braided hair]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.
:''[she's seen walking into a river]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.

====&quot;[[w:Cooped Up|Cooped Up]]&quot; feat. [[w:Roddy Ricch|Roddy Ricch]]====
:''[while Post Malone smokes a cigarette while he sings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.
:'''Butt-head''': When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked. 
:'''Beavis''': If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those [[w:electrolarynx|throat voice box things]] where you have a hole in your throat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made ''that'' cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, &quot;Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch]'' Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he's like, &quot;Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway.&quot;

===[[w:The Power Station|The Power Station]], &quot;[[w:Get It On (T. Rex song)#Power Station version|Get It On (Bang a Gong)]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's almost naked!  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is dancing behind a flame'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Pussy Galore|Pussy Galore]]!
:'''Butt-head''': That's that chick from [[w:Goldfinger (film)|that movie]] about that guy with those numbers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people.  That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [[w:James Bond|James Bong]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;bong.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Power Station''': Get it on, bang a gong...
:'''Butt-head''': They said &quot;bong&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a toilet!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]] it.
:'''Butt-head''': We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': We could put a [[w:Urinal|uriner]] right next to the TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can just take a leak right here.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't have enough toilets in videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need more toilets in videos.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like more of those uriners.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Those are cool.

===[[w:Primal Scream|Primal Scream]], &quot;[[w:Rocks (song)|Rocks]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Bobby Gillespie|Bobby Gillespie]]''': Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
:'''Beavis''': Um…wha'd he say?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you can't beat that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. [''slaps Beavis, who screams''] Don't start with me today.
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't. I was starting with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Gillespie''': Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you know, like, doing it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, no…
:'''Butt-head''': That's the way it should be.
:'''Beavis''': Uh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This like, uh… kinda rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
:'''Butt-head''': There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No, I mean she was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

===[[w:Primus (band)|Primus]]===
::''See also: Primus, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot; by Primus|&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.''

====&quot;[[w:DMV (song)|DMV]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:The Benny Hill Show|the Benny Hill Show]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [''sings''] [[w:My Name is Mud|My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!]]
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe [[w:Les Claypool|this guy]] will spit again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Les Claypool''': If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said &quot;If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
:'''Butt-head''': Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots]]. Kick 'em in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
:'''Beavis''': Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, BBs and raisins and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis!

====&quot;[[w:My Name is Mud|My Name is Mud]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''about lead singer [[w:Les Claypool|Les Claypool]]''] That looks like that dude from ''[[w:Deliverance|Deliverance]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Remember that part with that pig?
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a pig, Beavis.  That was [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've watched that movie seven times.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.  &quot;Squeal like a pig, boy!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Les Claypool spits'']
:'''Beavis''': Spit!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''three fat men are shown in a sauna'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Fat people!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They don't have enough fat people in videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And more spit in videos.  Like, people hocking loogies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  More spit, and more fat people.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Fat people are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Prince (musician)|Prince]], &quot;The Most Beautiful Girl in the World&quot;===
:[''Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check out his unit!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this chick is flat!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you see that unit?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That means it's not a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, she has to be naked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
:'''Beavis''': Really? How come you were naked?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
:'''Butt-head''': [''chuckles''] [[w:oral sex|Mouthing]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

===[[w:The Prodigy|The Prodigy]], &quot;[[w:Poison (The Prodigy song)|Poison]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're cracking concrete!
:'''Beavis''': Um, [''nonchalantly''] you said &quot;crack.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile.  [''imitates the bass line'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time.  I've been meaning to do a tribute to my ''own'' turds.  It's called &quot;Poop: A Retrospective.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hootie &amp; the Blowfish|Hootie &amp; the Blowfish]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That would be cool.  It'd be like, &quot;With a little love, poop!  And a little tenderness!  Plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.

===[[w:Prong (band)|Prong]]===
====&quot;Prove You Wrong&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They should have, like, &quot;Heavy Metal Choir&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Y'know what makes this band COOL?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
:'''Butt-head''': They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!&quot; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Screaming is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! &quot;AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!&quot;

====&quot;Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck&quot;====
:[''video opens with a dripping faucet'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  A little something for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Victor|This dude]] must use the same shampoo as me.
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this that band, Schlong?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  It's ''Prong''!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh.  Well...I wasn't that far off.  Butthole.

===[[w:Public Image Ltd.|Public Image Ltd.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Rise (Public Image Ltd song)|Rise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's beating her carpet.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We should do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It ''looks'' cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[John Lydon]]''': I could be [[wrong]], I could be right, I could be [[black people|black]], I could be [[white people|white]]...
:'''Butt-head''': You're white.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle''] He's got a hair stiffy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of old people is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Lydon''': I could be wrong...
:'''Butt-head''': You're wrong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's ''all'' wrong.  And his hair is orange.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

====&quot;The Body&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this a bakery?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:John Lydon|That guy]] has a disease.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got wussyitis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had an operation?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I had my tonsils removed once.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That means you were neutered, dude!
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, that's what they do when they [[w:Castration|remove your testicles]]!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I was thinking of having my [[w:Mucous membrane|mucous membranes]] removed.  That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember [[w:Mucus|mucus]].  So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool!  Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.

===[[w:The Pursuit of Happiness (band)|The Pursuit of Happiness]], &quot;Cigarette Dangles&quot;===
:[''the lyrics flash on the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': What?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I hate words.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Words suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe Berg''': Your cigarette dangles...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;dangle.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's pretty cool!  You're pretty smart, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==Q==
===[[w:Quicksand (band)|Quicksand]]===
====&quot;Delusional&quot;====
:[''band member [[w:Walter Schreifels|Walter Schreifels]], who resembles [[w:Jim Carrey|Jim Carrey]], is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's that guy from ''[[w:Dumb and Dumber|Dumb and Dumber]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  I think that's Dumb.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman approaches a car'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  We need to get one of those!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I know!  I know!  I KNOW!  I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head.  It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick.  Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff.  It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going!  And all it takes is just getting that first chick!  Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch!  I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, oh yeah.  Sorry about that.

====&quot;Dine Alone&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I wish I had a shirt like that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a bathtub is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool.  It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  I hope you were joking.
:'''Beavis''': Um...y - yeah.  Yeah, that was pretty funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, rule and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.

===[[w:Quiet Riot|Quiet Riot]], &quot;[[w:Cum on Feel the Noize|Cum on Feel the Noize]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I saw that guy in detention!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
:'''Butt-head''': Rise and shine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These effects aren't very special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These effects suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==R==
===[[R.E.M.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Nightswimming|Nightswimming]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! They almost showed that chick's butt!
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, but close only counts in horseshoes and like, uh, lemonade, or something.

====&quot;[[w:Pop Song 89|Pop Song 89]]&quot;====
:[''censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer [[w:Michael Stipe|Michael Stipe]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Michael Stipe|That chick]] has small boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You can tell even with that black square on there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lyrics start crawling across the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': How many times do I have to say this?  I hate [[w:music videos|videos]] with [[words]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If I wanted to [[read]], I'd go to [[school]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks!  How come they don't show boobs?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Shiny Happy People|Shiny Happy People]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Happiness.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Um, uh, you said &quot;penis.&quot;  Just thought I'd tell you.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  Why do you think they call it &quot;happiness&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, ''you're'' happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now!  Feelin' pretty happy!   Shiny.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  You're a miserable piece of crap.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm happier than ''you.''
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yep.  Feelin' pretty good!  [''sings along quietly''] Shiny happy people!  Yeah!  Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun!  Shiny happy people!  [''Butt-head smacks him''] AAHHHH!

===[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]], &quot;[[w:Fake Plastic Trees|Fake Plastic Trees]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''Let's get a little mellow''.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit…he's always going, &quot;I must say,&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then he's always saying he's gonna be on [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]], and he's, like, all into [[w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak]]. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, sure. [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': AHH! OWW!! Um…[[w:Ed Grimley|Ed Grimley]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You hit me?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

===[[w:Raging Slab|Raging Slab]], &quot;Anywhere but Here&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman spitting out a coin'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Gary Coleman|that little dude]]!
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Wasn't that that kid from &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Skynyrd]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, [[w:Arnold Jackson (character)|Arnold]].  Where are [[w:Willis Jackson (character)|Willis]] and [[w:Kimberly Drummond|Kimberly]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if they're in the same jail?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Right alongside [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Danny Bonerduce]].
:'''Beavis''': Danny Bonaduce!  ''Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  He's gonna say it.
:'''Beavis''': Say it!  SAY IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Say it!  Say it, bumwipe!
:'''Gary Coleman''': What'chu talkin' about?

===[[w:Railroad Jerk|Railroad Jerk]], &quot;Rollerkoaster&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah. Is she Chinese?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's that [[w:Connie Chung|Connie Schlong]] chick that [[w:Connie Chung#Kathleen Gingrich interview controversy|called the president's mom]] a bitch on TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lead singer''': But sex!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anal sex|Butt sex]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's ''your'' mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them. 
:'''Butt-head''': I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Isn't she already easy enough?
:'''Beavis''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': [''humoring him''] Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that looks kinda like [[Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. You're thinking of ''me'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. I was thinking of ''me'', actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

===The Rake's Progress, &quot;I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''seeing a man milking a cow''] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
:'''Butt-head''': No, you squeeze its boobs!
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, [[w:udder|that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [''Beavis lets his jaw hang open''] This feels kinda good.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe I'll try it. [''Butt-head lets his jaw hang open''] This is pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own pud.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, was I there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

===[[Ramones]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot;====
:[''the duo are watching &quot;[[w:Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)|Physical]]&quot; by [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. Let's watch something [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:[''flips channel; &quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot; by the [[Ramones]] is on'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally''] Dananananananana dananananananana!

====&quot;[[w:Pet Sematary (song)|Pet Sematary]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Fire]]'s [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Dead]] [[animals]]'re [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:Substitute (The Who song)|Substitute]]&quot;====
:[''the video opens with a man giving a lecture'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, where are the drums?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe this is rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! I think that was him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Joey Ramone|Joey Ramone]]''': But I'm a substitute…
:'''Beavis''': Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, [''a painting of [[w:Kojak|Kojak]] is shown for a split second''] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, she's a slut!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And [[w:Sean Yseult|that chick]] from [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing in this video?
:'''Butt-head''': He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he says: [''disoriented''] &quot;Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

===[[w:Rancid (band)|Rancid]], &quot;Nihilism&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
:'''Beavis''': Aah, shut up Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
:'''Beavis''': I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. &quot;I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.&quot; Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't you ''ever'' tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor''] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''In pain''] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

===[[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]]===

::''See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Search And Destroy&quot; covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers|&quot;Search And Destroy&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.''

====&quot;[[w:Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Higher Ground]]&quot;====

:'''Butt-head''': (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': You could have &quot;I'm a puss&quot; tattood on your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Show Me Your Soul|Show Me Your Soul]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': This ''doesn't'' suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony Kiedis]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys get all the chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Flea is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': I like the skull.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''masks are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  A mask!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's like that joke, &quot;If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, dillweed, that's not how it goes!  It's, &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You mean, &quot;If your dog was as ugly as you.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's pretty funny.

===[[w:Rednex|Rednex]], &quot;[[w:Cotton Eyed Joe|Cotton Eyed Joe]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…what is this?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I know. This is that song &quot;Cotton-Eyed Joe&quot;, we used to sing this in kindergarten.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
:'''Butt-head''': That was back when school was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
:'''Butt-head''': You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

===[[w:The Reverend Horton Heat|Reverend Horton Heat]]===
====&quot;Psychobilly Freakout&quot;====
:'''Jim Heath''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is weird!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing [[video games]] all day and like, drinking Slushies.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jim''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [''shaking''] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Jim''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh huh huh.
:'''Jim''': IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': &quot;DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!&quot; Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score a lot of points.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

====&quot;Wiggle Stick&quot;====
:[''video opens with snakes'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, snakes are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've got a good feeling about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': This guy rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This guy rocks!  He ROCKS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along badly''] I got a wiggle stick, mama!  [''normal voice''] ''I'' got a wiggle stick.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, don't wiggle it here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Get him!  Get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did I mention that this is cool?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think so.

===[[w:Rockwell (musician)|Rockwell]], &quot;[[w:Somebody's Watching Me|Somebody's Watching Me]]&quot;===
:[''a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap on the newspaper?
:'''Beavis''': I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a dog is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those [[w:Labrador Retriever|Lavatory Retrievers]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your [[w:Testicle|nads]].
:'''Butt-head''': Your dentist inspects your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Doesn't yours?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  That's what the ''doctor'' does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': My dentist ''always'' looks at my nads.  I have full coverage.  Yeah.

===[[w:Olivia Rodrigo|Olivia Rodrigo]]=== 
====&quot;[[w:Drivers License (song)|Drivers License]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like [[w:James Bond|James Bond]]? How do you get one of those?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, &quot;Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him. 
:'''Beavis''': No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly. 
:'''Butt-head''': Peace...

====&quot;[[w:Good 4 U|Good 4 U]]&quot;====
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ''[dancing with a group of cheerleaders]'' Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...
:'''Beavis''': You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The coach is like, &quot;Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend.&quot;
:''[as Olivia Rodrigo dances in a room engulfed in flames]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ... Like a damn [[w:Psychopathy|sociopath]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... what is that word, &quot;soshiopath?&quot;
:'''Beavis'''  Oh, yeah yeah, I wonder what it means. 
:'''Butt-head''': That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself. 
:'''Butt-head''': You'll die alone. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

===[[w:The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]], &quot;Emotional Rescue&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think this is [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].  Yeah, yeah!  They're gonna pull that guy's spine out!  YAAAAHHHHH!  AAAAHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was cool.  The mother of all wars has begun!  YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  Incoming scud!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
:'''Beavis''': And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She's a slut!  And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Rollins Band|Rollins Band]]===
====&quot;Disconnect&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar!  &quot;Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out!  I'll kick your ass!  Liar!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!  Those aren't the words.
:'''Beavis''': WHOA, WHORES!  Check it out, Butt-head!  Whores!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Whores rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would suck to be a cab driver.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool.  I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, &quot;Where are you going today, ma'am?  Okay.  How do you get there?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You would suck, Beavis.  You sounded like a stupid dork.  You're never gonna be able to do anything.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street'']
:'''Beavis''': Check out this part, Butt-head.  &quot;Excuse me, hey.  Hey, excuse me, pardon me.  Hey!  Hey, dammit!  Hey!  Hey, watch it!  Dammit!  Dammit!  Man!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups'']
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video.  This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Liar (Rollins Band song)|Liar]]&quot;====
:'''Henry Rollins''': So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …in darkness and [[seclusion]].
:'''Beavis''': Darkness rules!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …and then you meet me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter &quot;R&quot; on his chest'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
:'''Butt-head''': Lying rules.

===[[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]===
====&quot;Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This dude used to be the lead singer for [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].  They got that video, &quot;[[w:Right Now (Van Halen song)|Right Now]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that video with all those words on the screen.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David wishes he had his old job back.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David is planning to kill [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Hey, where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude dances like [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mallomar]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But he doesn't suck as much.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  John Cougar Military Camp.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Just Like Paradise|Just Like Paradise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's stuck in a crack.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guitar is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's shaped like one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
:'''Beavis''': No, that one's on her shoulder.  She's got a battleship on her butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking David Lee Roth's long hair''] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;member.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Sing, fat boy!  Sing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Paradise sucks.  Yeah.

====&quot;She's My Machine&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...who the Hell ''is'' this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um...um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  He kinda looks familiar, too.  Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  Uh, is it Sting?
:'''Beavis''': No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, [[w:One Day at a Time|One Day at a Time]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not!  I think it's David Lee Roth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah right.  Um...maybe it's, umm--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth.  Oh my God!
:'''Beavis''': Oh!  Yeah, yeah, it's him!  Where are all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  It's like, something's wrong with him.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm concerned about him.

===[[w:Run-D.M.C.|Run-D.M.C.]], &quot;[[w:Down with the King (song)|Down with the King]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is a def jam.  These guys are def.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  You mean they can't hear?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Are you down with the king?
:'''Beavis''': Are they talking about, like, [[w:Don King|Don King]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, he was talking about [[w:Burger King|Burger King]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete Rock''': ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  College sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't like knowledge, either.

===[[RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Supermodel (You Better Work)|Supermodel (You Better Work)]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick is hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Would you make out with her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd be all over it!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  That's a ''guy'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way!
:'''Butt-head''': You want to make out with a dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh!  He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Rush (band)|Rush]], &quot;Stick It Out&quot;===
:[''video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that Jesus?  Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I think it's [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]].
:'''Beavis''': Umm...no, I think it's... [''disappointed''] oh, it's Rush.  Oh, God.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating the Rush song &quot;The Spirit of Radio&quot;''] ''Invisible airwaves crackle with life!  Bright antennae bristle with the energy!'' Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you happen to be a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair.  That's a good idea for a video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, didn't they do that before?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''this'' guy's on a pole.
:'''Beavis''': O - oh yeah, yeah.  No, wait a minute, Butt-head!  I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.  He had tattoos, though.  That's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I remember that.  Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's right.  That's right.  M hm.  [''chuckling''] Pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Pole.
:'''Beavis''': I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.  You're right.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==S==
===[[w:Sagat (rapper)|Sagat]], &quot;Why Is It? (Funk Dat)&quot;===
:'''Sagat''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Did you hear that?  He said, &quot;Funk dat.&quot;  Funk dat!  Yeah, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question...
:'''Butt-head''': Queshtun.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Queshtun!
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  STEP ON HIM!  Kick him in the nads!  KICK HIM!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Funk dat, funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question!
:'''Beavis''': [''parroting Sagat''] Queshtun!
:'''Sagat''': Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
:'''Beavis''': Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
:'''Sagat''': ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Question.  Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months? 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Question.  Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it?  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should get this guy on that [[w:60 Minutes|16 Minutes]] show instead of that old [[w:Andy Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] dude they got.  He sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Check this out, Butt-head.  [''imitating [[w:Andy Rooney|Andy Rooney]]''] You know what I don't understand?  Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes?  Yeah. Funk dat!
:'''Butt-head''': You sound just like that buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Check this out, too. [''imitating Andy Rooney again''] How come they call it &quot;[[w:defecation|taking a dump]]&quot; and not &quot;leaving a dump&quot;?  I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere!  Yeah.  Funk dat!

===[[w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Push It (Salt n Pepa song)|Push It]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I like chicks with leather jackets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': Push what?
:'''Beavis''': Push it!  Push it!  Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': What are they talking about, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it good!
:'''Beavis''': Push ''what?''
:'''Butt-head''': Push that little button on the remote.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Jacob Sartorius|Jacob Sartorius]], &quot;Chapstick&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh-huh-huh... white people. 
:'''Beavis''': This is like a boy band, but with just one person. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And he actually is a boy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he looks like he's 11. Yeah, check this out, Butt-head. Yeah, I mean this is kid, he's young you know, when he says, &quot;Hey you wanna come back to my crib?&quot; He means an actual crib! You know what I'm saying? He's young, so...
:'''Butt-head''': You're in rare form today, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah, I don't wanna say he's young, but you know, this chick thinks he's got wood, but it's just his diaper's full. He's young, this kid! ''Hey-ooo!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... isn't it like illegal for a girl her age to be with a kid his age?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a victim. Uh-huh-huh-huh...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jacob Sartorius''': ... nothing between us, but chapstick...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Nothing between us, but chapstick?&quot; What's that even mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'll tell you one thing that's not between him... pubic hair.
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, that's kinda mean. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't care! He's rich, and he gets to score when he's 11? He'll be just fine.

===Sausage, &quot;[[w:Riddles Are Abound Tonight|Riddles Are Abound Tonight]]&quot;===
:[''music starts, then suddenly stops'']
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': What the hell was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.  What the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmm, I think this is [[w:Primus (band)|Primus]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''notices the lights on the band members' heads''] Hey, Butt-head.  What are those lights for?
:'''Butt-head''': That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  You mean it's dark in your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  You know when they say, &quot;Stick it where the sun don't shine&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Mm hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': They're talking about your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh!  I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something.  But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh!  Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  We should go see these guys in concert.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
:'''Beavis''': The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

===[[w:Scandal (American band)|Scandal]], &quot;[[w:Goodbye to You (Scandal song)|Goodbye to You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at these special effects.
:'''Beavis''': These special effects suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
:'''Butt-head''': You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about singer [[w:Patty Smyth|Patty Smyth]]''] Is this [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Nebatar]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with [[w:Don Henley|Dan Henley]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patty Smyth''': Goodbye to you.
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to glue.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Patty Smith''': Goodbye to you...
:'''Beavis''': [''high-pitched voice''] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to poo!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Scatman John|Scatman John]], &quot;[[w:Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop|Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)]]&quot;===
:'''Scatman John''': Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
:'''Beavis''': ''[freaking out]'' AAH!! AAAHH!! ''[convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him]'' OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's the Scatman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
:'''Butt-head''': There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
:'''Beavis''': They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say &quot;Hi, would you like a tie today?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Those places are stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this sure is horrible. ''[snickers]''
:'''Butt-head''': The United Colors of [[w:Benetton_Group|Bentaton]]...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scatman John''': Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
:'''Beavis''': You know, it kinda sounded like he said &quot;Poop&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
:'''Beavis''': How'd you know that?
:'''Butt-head''': I learned that when I did my report on feces.

===[[w:Scorpions (band)|Scorpions]], &quot;[[w:Rock You Like a Hurricane|Rock You Like a Hurricane]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
:'''Beavis''': Nah, he told [[w:Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]] he doesn't really sleep in a [[w:Hypobaric chamber|hyperbolic chamber]].  And he has a [[w:Vitiligo|skin disease]].
:'''Butt-head''': You watch ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?!  [''laughs''] What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah.  ''Right'', Beavis.  What a wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not just a [[w:Hair Club|Hair Club]] member -- I'm the president!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You said &quot;[[w:Penis|member]]&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Let's try to find a video that ''doesn't'' suck.

===[[w:Seaweed (band)|Seaweed]], &quot;Kid Candy&quot;===
:[''video opens with no music'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what happened to the sound?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ummm...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right!  You remind me of, like, [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a photo of a bicycle is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE!  Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is!  That's my bike.  That dude ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...did you lock it?
:'''Beavis''': Uhh...um, uh, maybe not.  These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
:'''Beavis''': That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis, ''I'' stole your bike.  It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week.  It looks just like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay, Beavis.  You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I guess.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], &quot;Rebelene&quot;===
:[''video is set at a gas station'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
:'''Butt-head''': Look who's talking, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair.  My hair's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis.  He's like, wearing some kind of [[w:Coonskip cap|Davy Crockett hat]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis!  It's, like, a squirrel or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]] in the band!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's pronounced &quot;Dun''dee'',&quot; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I didn't know he played.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He jams with [[w:Midnight Oil|Midnight Oil]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  He sounds better with these guys.  I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's, like, getting on my nerves.  It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!  And check the oil, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And wash my windows, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call him that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, buttknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before!  And don't call ''him'' that, either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Brian!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was pretty cool.  Hey, Butt-head.  I might get a guitar.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Then in the morning, you could like, just say, &quot;Uh, I'm practicing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;I'm wack-tising.&quot;  Yeah.

===[[w:Shaggy (artist)|Shaggy]], &quot;[[w:Boombastic|Boombastic]]&quot;===
:'''Shaggy''': Mr. Boombastic!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating Shaggy''] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Shaggy's accent''] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers in a fake Jamaican accent, the only comprehensible words are &quot;romantic&quot; and &quot;bombastic&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Bombastic! Yeah. [''imitating Shaggy''] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What does &quot;bombastic&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying &quot;Uhh, this is bombastic&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going &quot;Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!&quot;, you know, stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [''imitating Shaggy''] &quot;This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Smooth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this accent he's talking in?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass, it's foreign!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Shaggy''] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…

===[[w:The Shamen|The Shamen]], &quot;[[w:Ebeneezer Goode|Ebeneezer Goode]]&quot;===
:'''The Shamen''': A great philosopher once wrote, &quot;Naughty, naughty, very naughty.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating''] ''Naughty!  Naughty!  Very naughty, naughty!  Naughty, naughty!  Naughty!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from [[w:England|that country]] where everything sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they all talk like wussies.  ''Naughty!  Very naughty!''
:'''Butt-head''': People from that country are stupid.  [''mock-British accent''] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bloody well right!

===[[w:Shonen Knife|Shonen Knife]], &quot;Tomato Head&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh no!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.  Anytime.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  This really isn't very good! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Uh, I ''know'' that, Butt-head.  Tell me something I ''don't'' know.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  You know the last time you went to the bathroom? 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...
:'''Butt-head''': It was cool!
:'''Beavis''': I knew that!  I spit it out.
:'''Butt-head''': No, you didn't.  You drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I remember that.  But I didn't eat it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!  You ate the cracker.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I took the turd off and finished the cracker.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah.  This sucks!  Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Shudder to Think|Shudder to Think]], &quot;Hit Liquor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Don Henley|Don Henley]]!  I didn't know he was a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': You ''didn't?''  Where have you been, Beavis?  He's a ''total'' wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me see, um...[[w:Sting|Sting]], yeah, he's a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, who else, umm...[[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]]?  Yeah, he's a wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And don't forget [[w:Jackson Browne|Jackson Browne]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': This is scary, Butt-head!  What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I guess so.  I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  So would I, yeah.  Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': You were probably serious!
:'''Beavis''': Well, no.  Not really.

===[[w:Sick of It All|Sick of It All]], &quot;Step Down&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude should get a better apartment.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
:'''Butt-head''': No we don't.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
:'''Butt-head''': No we're not.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least we have lots of friends.
:'''Butt-head''': Not really.
:'''Beavis''': Are we healthy?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Our lives suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We're cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These dances are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads &quot;The Dillhole&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. Remember this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads &quot;The Bunghole&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Or how about this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads &quot;The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

===[[w:Silverchair|Silverchair]], &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Silverchair song)|Tomorrow]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:More Than a Feeling|More than a feeling]]…
:'''Butt-head''': I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
:'''Beavis''': CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That song's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't the sixties, dillhole! 
:'''Beavis''': My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail. 
:'''Beavis''': I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle ''didn't'' go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I am ''not''. Shut up, Butt-head. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, &quot;Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see.&quot;

===[[Frank Sinatra]] &amp; [[Bono]], &quot;[[w:I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Jack Webb|that guy]] from ''[[Dragnet]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
:'''Beavis''': [''Bono appears on screen''] Yeah. My name's Boner. 
:'''Butt-head''': My name's Boner's dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on Frank Sinatra''] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, some dude from [[Eagles (band)|The Eagles]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, one of those [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]] guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think that's [[Keith Richards]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He needs to say &quot;Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He needs to say &quot;Get in your room and practice, dammit!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You'd make a good father, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, classic rock?
:'''Beavis''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank Sinatra''': I've got you under my skin…
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;skin.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''Laughs''] &quot;Skin.&quot;

===[[w:Sir Mix-a-Lot|Sir Mix-a-Lot]], &quot;[[w:Baby Got Back|Baby Got Back]]&quot;===
::''See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Monsta Mack&quot; by Sir Mix-a-Lot|&quot;Monsta Mack&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.''

:'''Butt-head''': I like [[w:buttocks|butts]]. Huh-huh. Butts are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

===[[w:The Sisters of Mercy|The Sisters of Mercy]], &quot;[[w:Doctor Jeep|Doctor Jeep]]&quot;===
:[''television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, ''[[w:Jeopardy!|Jeopardy]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Uh, I'll take &quot;Stuff That Sucks&quot; for 500, Alex.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What is [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You are now discolorfied.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of televangelist [[w:Jimmy Swaggart|Jimmy Swaggart]] is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out, Beavis.  [''imitating Jimmy Swaggart''] ''&quot;I have sinned against you!&quot;''  That was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:CNN|CNN]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  How come they never show reruns on the news?
:'''Butt-head''': They ''do!''  That's why it sucks!  Every time you see something, it's already happened.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That would be great!

===[[w:Six Finger Satellite|Six Finger Satellite]], &quot;Parlour Games&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [''leaves the room''] It's all this damn video's fault! [''sounds of banging metal can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''more intense crashes and bangs can be heard''] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': The video still sucks!
:'''Beavis''': [''more crashes and bangs can be heard''] This is cool, Butt-head! [''the crashing and banging becomes really intense''] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
:'''Beavis''': [''going really crazy with the crashing and banging''] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [''breaks something''] OW!! OW!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I cut my leg! [''re-enters''] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': [''leaves''] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [''crashes can be heard'']

===[[w:Skatenigs|Skatenigs]], &quot;Chemical Imbalance&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Skateboards are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  You've never skateboarded in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that.  But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You liar!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Lying is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, this band sucks.  But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.  So it's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Skee-Lo|Skee-Lo]], &quot;I Wish&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be [[Forrest Gump]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
:'''Beavis''': That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some [[w:M&amp;M's|Enamems]] and spank my monkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said &quot;I don’t care how big your turds are.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going &quot;I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, &quot;They call me Mr. Poop a lot.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
:'''Beavis''': But um…oh. Oh, I see!

===[[w:Skrew|Skrew]], &quot;Picasso Trigger&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no it's not.  I think it rocks later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...might as well be.
:'''Beavis''': What-- [[w:Marcus Welby, M.D.|Marcus Welby]], what...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses'']
:'''Butt-head''': Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts.  Check this out.  &quot;Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know.  I bet I could score.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe.  But you're never gonna get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I can get a ''fake'' one.  I'd be like, &quot;Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay.&quot;  Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Skrillex|Skrillex]], &quot;First of the Year (Equinox)&quot;===
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now! [''man gets thrown back telikinetically'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.  Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
:'''Butt-head''': …

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad.  He's like, &quot;Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?  Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd be like, &quot;Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see 'Smurfs' again, and then she started warping space and time.

===[[w:Slash's Snakepit|Slash's Snakepit]], &quot;Beggars &amp; Hangers-On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...whoa!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This is ''bad!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what happened to [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  These guys were probably, like, &quot;Okay, Axl.  I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then [[w:Eric Dover|this guy]] came along, and he was, like, &quot;Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they were, like, &quot;Hmm, tights.  Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights.  Just don't wear any high heels or anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...who is this guy?  This guy looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, &quot;It's ''my'' football!  Give it back!  I'm gonna go back to ''my'' house!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Remember that time he shoved his [[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]] up your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?  Cool.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know who else this guy looks like?  He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  He's like, &quot;You got some money?  All the money I find on you is mine!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Slaughter (band)|Slaughter]], &quot;Real Love&quot;===
:[''a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head.  &quot;You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': How did this ever happen?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, because...[''sees [[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''] WHOA!  That's that [[w:Brenda Walsh|Brenda bitch]] from [[w:Beverly Hills, 90210|Beverly Hills]] [''becomes hyperactive''] ''902356781234567898265''-- [''Butt-head slaps him''] Uh, 210.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say &quot;Beverly Hills&quot; and forget about the numbers, okay?
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, why the hell is she hanging out with ''these'' wussies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Bitches are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bitches rule! [''they change the channel'']

===[[Slayer]]===
====&quot;Seasons In the Abyss&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Where the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What are those guys on the horses?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like the Desert cops.  They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah they were playing too loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Not loud enough, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  MOUW MOUW MOUW  ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, look its those [[w:Sphinx|things]].  Those big [[w:Egyptian Pyramids|triangulids]].
:'''Beavis''': What?  I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember like, in [[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|that movie]], that [[w:Moses|Moses]] dude built them?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It was like, in the [[w:1950's|50's]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then he went and wrote the [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Condiments]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Thou shalt not suck.

====&quot;Serenity In Murder&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Haven't we seen this video before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say &quot;OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's like [[w:The Silence of the Lambs (film)|that movie]] we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, &quot;No way!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Like, remember that movie, ''[[w:The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid. That's [[w:Mercury Seven|never gonna happen]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, ''[[w:Alive (1993 film)|Alive]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a plane would really [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|crash like that]].

===[[w:Slim Whitman|Slim Whitman]], &quot;[[w:I Remember You (1941 song)|I Remember You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy looks like a mass murderer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He looks kinda like you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's supposed to be better than [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]] and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's not as cool as [[w:Metallica|Metallica]], though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why does he keep looking up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude sounds like he was neutered!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is Satanic country music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I feel like killing myself.

===[[w:Smashing Pumpkins|Smashing Pumpkins]], &quot;[[w:Today (Smashing Pumpkins song)|Today]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Billy Corgan]]''': Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
:'''Butt-head''': He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': And the Froggies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should like, get together with the [[w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors]], and like, paint stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder why.

===[[Snoop Dogg]], &quot;[[w:Gin and Juice|Gin and Juice]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
:'''Butt-head''': We got to get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Woah, he just touched her boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''to the music''] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [''speaking''] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you're a G for ''gonad''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton? 
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. 
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a ''white wussy'' from ''right here''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you used to go to the ''flea market'' with your ''mom''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Yep, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': …shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, ''shut up''. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': [''mumbling''] Um, heh, oh yeah.

===[[w:Jill Sobule|Jill Sobule]], &quot;I Kissed a Girl&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These houses look fake, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
:'''Beavis''': Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said &quot;Harry Behemoth&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?
:'''Beavis''': I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing [[w:Fabio Lanzoni|Fabio]]''] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
:'''Butt-head''': You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a [[w:lesbian|thespian]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes &quot;Nyayayayayayayaya!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go &quot;WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;, and talk about stools and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

===[[Sonic Youth]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bull in the Heather|Bull in the Heather]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': 10, 20, 30, 40…
:'''Beavis''': How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Counting rules.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Romper Room|Romper Room]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on [[w:Kathleen Hanna|Kathleen Hanna]]'s appearance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
:'''Butt-head''': The what?
:'''Beavis''': You know, the sih…um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against [[w:Thurston Moore|Thurston Moore]]'s crotch'']
:'''Beavis''': HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
:'''Beavis''': Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [''Butt-head does a double take and laughs''] Um, wait a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': What???
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

====&quot;[[w:Dirty Boots|Dirty Boots]]&quot;====
:[''a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says &quot;2.00&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
:'''Beavis''': That's a good deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a woman in the video''] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
:'''Beavis''': I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you should have said &quot;Hey, baby&quot; then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit'']
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, dude, she wants you!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, yeah, go for it!
:'''Beavis''': Grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': C'mon! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': See, now that dude knows how to do it.
:'''Beavis''':

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Thurston Moore]]''': And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
:'''Butt-head''': Tell the story of the choad?
:'''Beavis''': This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It's your story too, butthole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing'']
:'''Butt-head''': If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
:'''Butt-head''': That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

===[[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]]===
====&quot;[[w:Black Hole Sun|Black Hole Sun]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn'']
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's face!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I can make a face like that, check this out.  [''opens his mouth'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head.  [''a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face''] AAHHHHH! AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Th - that was scary, man.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That scared the bejesus out of me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle'']
:'''Beavis''': Aaawwwwww!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Aaawwwwww.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': Black hole sun, won't you come...
:'''Beavis''': Black hole sun.  Black hole?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Black hole?
:'''Beavis''': Um...hey Butt-head, what is a [[black hole]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole.  But it's like--
:'''Beavis''': [''interrupting''] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out!  That's that chick from Whale!  Remember?  That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': So, like...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to [[Hell]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  That’s cool.  So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': From watching ''[[Star Trek]]'', bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Outshined|Outshined]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy kicks ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Chris Cornell|This guy]] looks like [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Christ is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': I'm lookin' California...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Seattle kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is everybody in Seattle cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you go to [[w:Seattle|Seattle]], anybody you see is cool.  We should go, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude from the Spin Doctors.  He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.

====&quot;[[w:Rusty Cage|Rusty Cage]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''Yes!''
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] kicks ass!

====&quot;[[w:Spoonman|Spoonman]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, ''they're'' not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Cornell|Chris Cornell]] ([[w:Ben Shepherd|Ben Shepherd]])''': All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
:'''Beavis''': All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
:'''Beavis''': Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

===[[Spın̈al Tap]], &quot;The Majesty of Rock&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's the [[w:Elizabeth II|President of England]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She jams!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's those guys from [[This Is Spinal Tap|that movie]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Tap rules.

===[[w:Stacey Q|Stacey Q]], &quot;[[w:Two of Hearts|Two of Hearts]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?  Let's call her up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That would rule!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her [[w:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
:'''Butt-head''': Just ''look'' at her, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah.  Yeah.  I think I'm gonna go tie ''my'' tube.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this music sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...what music?  Oh, oh yeah!  So like, um, what is this &quot;two of hearts&quot; crap?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, when you're playing poker.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I have a straight! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Stone Roses|The Stone Roses]], &quot;[[w:Love Spreads|Love Spreads]]&quot;===
:[''a man jumps up and down'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a man dressed in a devil costume''] Uhh...hey [[w:Satan|Satan]], how's it going?
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The real Satan doesn't do videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  You know, I can talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': No you can't!
:'''Beavis''': Yes sir!  Check this out. [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo.  Loohcs ni yats.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Do it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...okay.  Okay.  Check this out.  Um, okay, here it goes.  Um... [''backwards speech''] hguone si hguone. [''normal speech''] See? [''backwards speech''] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!  So like, what did you say just then?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I said, I said, um, &quot;Hey, how's it going?&quot;  Yeah, yeah.  You should try it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let me see.  Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, see?  See, ''anybody'' can do it.  [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.  [''normal speech''] That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you do that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you just talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''how''?
:'''Beavis''': Like ''this''. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot!  I can't do it anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': You can't do it anymore.

===[[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]]===
====&quot;[[w:Plush (song)|Plush]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  [[Eddie Vedder]] dyed his hair red.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.  [[w:Scott Weiland|That guy]] makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
:'''Butt-head''': They both make faces like that [[w:John Belushi|John Belushi]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's dead.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped ''them'' off.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Pearl Jam came first!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, they both suck.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a rottweiler is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': That bear is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, ''that'' might work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna dye my hair orange.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You'd look good, Butt-head.  You should do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Vasoline|Vasoline]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I'll stick around for that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in [[w:music video|videos]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]]''': Flies in the vasoline…
:'''Beavis''': Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
:'''Butt-head''': I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything. 
:'''Beavis''': No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
:'''Beavis''': That was cool.

===[[w:The Stranglers|Stranglers]], &quot;Skin Deep&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Why do people make [[w:music videos|videos]]?
:'''Beavis''': And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? How come?
:'''Beavis''': My butt's asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'll be back later. [''exits'']
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[''turns around'']…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [''sings along''] Better watch out for the skin deep. [''yells''] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [''exits''] Hey Beavis, wait up!

===[[w:Stray Cats|Stray Cats]], &quot;Rock This Town&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Billy Idol?
:'''Beavis''': This is a story.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Then he got in a motorcycle accident.  And there was blood.  The end.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that [[&quot;Weird Al&quot;]] dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Setzer''': Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
:'''Beavis''': There's gonna be a fight?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
:'''Beavis''': Fight!  Fight!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's gonna [[sex|get some]] 'cause he's &quot;Weird Al.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, &quot;Give me some.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[Styx (band)|Styx]], &quot;[[w:Too Much Time on My Hands|Too Much Time on My Hands]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… [''The two laugh dismissively'']
:'''Beavis''': What's this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An old woman is sitting in a bar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Hanging out in bars again.
:'''Beavis''': That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … is this cable access?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': They should call it cable suckcess.
:'''Beavis''' Yeah, cable suckcess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at [[w:Dennis DeYoung|this dork]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What a dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play [[w:Pantera|Pantera]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Her dad kicked your ass.

===[[w:Sugar Ray|Sugar Ray]], &quot;Mean Machine&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This sounds like &quot;Wipeout&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': [''half-laughing''] I think this is…&quot;Butt-Wipeout&quot;. [''laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, that's just hockey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're singing about a car.
:'''Beavis''': See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [''begins &quot;singing&quot;''] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
:'''Beavis''': What's cool about it?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
:'''Beavis''': You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
:[''Butt-head smacks Beavis'']

===[[w:Sugartooth|Sugartooth]], &quot;Sold My Fortune&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [''Hums along with bass line''] See?
:'''Butt-head''': I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's [[w:futon|one of those]] beds that folds into a couch.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''Two people are fighting in the video''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7&quot; or something.

===[[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], &quot;[[w:Institutionalized (song)|Institutionalized]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Cyco Miko]]''': Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Sometimes ''I'' try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways ''I'' want it to, and… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Cyco Miko''': …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say &quot;Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cyco Miko''': …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's under a lot of stress.
:'''Beavis''': [''ranting''] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say &quot;Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better&quot;. I say &quot;Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself&quot;, and they keep saying &quot;Beavis, Beavis&quot;, and like, I don't know what to do…
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This is cool.

===[[w:Superchunk|Superchunk]], &quot;Package Thief&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Their fingers aren't even moving.  What a bunch of fartknockers!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fakers, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Is there a chick in this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...wait a minute!  That's not a chick.  That's a puppet.  These are ''all'' puppets!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, yeah, yeah.  Uh, yeah.  Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet.  Check this out.  [''high-pitched voice''] Hello everybody!  We're gonna have fun today!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Pull your pants up!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, about the mail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think so.  Where does the mail go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Then where does it go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes to the North Pole.  And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Thanks, Butt-head.  You're interesting.

===[[w:Supergrass|Supergrass]], &quot;[[w:Caught by the Fuzz|Caught by the Fuzz]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That looks like that dude from [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]].
:'''Beavis''': That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [''Butt-head laughs'']

===[[w:The Supersuckers|The Supersuckers]], &quot;Creepy Jackalope Eye&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Monkees|the Monkees]]?
:'''Beavis''': They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
:'''Butt-head''': That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, &quot;Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. I don't get it.
:'''Butt-head''': She was a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! [''they both chuckle'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that [[City Slickers]] movie?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Remember that one part where [[w:Billy Crystal|that guy]] like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

===[[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]], &quot;Demon Juice&quot;===
:[''an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm...
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...you know what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't really feel like watching this right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I thought of that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if it's on.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': But if it's not on...
:'''Beavis''': M hm?
:'''Butt-head''': ...who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel to the video &quot;Don't Go Breaking My Heart&quot; by Elton John and RuPaul'']

==T==
===T'Baby, &quot;It's So Cold in the D&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but either way it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is this [[w:The Real Housewives|Real Housewives]] of Detroit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''T'Baby''': I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
:'''Beavis''': Hanging and banging…
:'''T'Baby''': How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
:'''Beavis''': Stacking papers, you know…
:[''The lyrics go off-tempo'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm lost.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…
:'''Beavis''': Bump bump bump bump…
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
:[''The two pause, then resume, their dancing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Something's off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think she was in [[The Lion King|Lion King]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! 
:[''The two resume dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…

===[[w:T'Pau (band)|T'Pau]], &quot;[[w:Heart and Soul (T'Pau song)|Heart and Soul]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Call now for live one-on-one [[conversations]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Share your [[w:Emotional intimacy|intimate]] [[thoughts]]!
:'''Butt-head''': A dollar ninety-five per minute.
:'''Beavis''': Must be 18 or older.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
:'''Beavis''': We could tell her that she ''sucks''.
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's name is T'Pau.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's Spanish for &quot;this sucks.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The more things [[change]], the more they ''suck''.
:*This is a play on the phrase, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; coined by [[French]] [[critic]], [[journalist]], and [[novelist]] [[Alphonse Karr]].

===[[Talking Heads]], &quot;[[w:Wild Wild Life|Wild Wild Life]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I don't like [[w:music videos|videos]] that suck.

===[[w:Tank (American singer|Tank]] feat. [[w:Ty Dolla Sign|Ty Dolla $ign]] &amp; [[w:Trey Songz|Trey Songz]], &quot;[[w:When We|When We (Remix)]]&quot;===
:''[the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Here at TT&amp;T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;That's the TT&amp;T guarantee.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If we don't score with your women, your repair is free.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Our satisfaction is guaranteed.&quot;

===Terence Trent D'Arby, &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah? Liar?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Tesla (band)|Tesla]], &quot;Call It What You Want&quot;===
:[''the two are sleeping at the start of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ughh!
:'''Beavis''': What, what?  I feel asleep there.  Yeah.  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it's [[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Jeff Keith|That dude]] looks like [[w:Heidi Fleiss|Heidi Fleiss]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's skanky!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And she's ugly.
:'''Butt-head''': She's what you call ''fugly.''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a ''fugly, skanky whore.''
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh oh, sorry about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as ''yours,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartcracker!  I could kick this dude's ass!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fart''knocker,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And for the last time, you can't kick ''anybody's'' ass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger.  Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': No really, Butt-head.  I had some last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but then you spit it out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:that dog.|that dog.]], &quot;Old Timer&quot;===
:[''the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And they have a bunch of [[w:corn dog|horn dogs]] working there.
:'''Beavis''': They have horn dogs?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say &quot;I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken&quot;, and I say [''angry''] &quot;Dammit, it's always broken!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Fryer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
:'''Butt-head''': We could put the hairnets on our nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
:'''Butt-head''': You put a hairnet on your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at [[w:Shakey's Pizza|Shakey's]]…
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.

===[[w:The The|The The]], &quot;I Saw the Light&quot;===
:[''Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that [[w:Late Night with David Letterman|late night]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, &quot;Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': That's kinda disgusting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Matt Johnson (singer)|Matt Johnson]] walks among the edge of a tall building'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Nobody has any balls anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no, and I don't care either.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…[[w:&quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile Dumbdee]], and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this is kind of like [[w:Let It Be (film)|that movie]] with [[The Beatles]] in it, where they're playing on the roof.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I saw that on the [[w:Discovery Channel|Discovery Channel]]. The Beatles suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard [[w:Murder of John Lennon|they had an opening]].
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Opening.&quot; [''Cackles'']

===[[w:George Thorogood|George Thorogood]], &quot;[[w:Bad to the Bone|Bad to the Bone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This song is about a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  It's about a ''bad'' boner, isn't it?
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once.  That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.  That sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  I'm sorry.  I stand corrected.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener.  It's pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's cool!  Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  We should ask it, &quot;Does this video suck?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Signs point to yes.&quot;

===[[w:Tiësto|Tiësto]] and [[w:Karol G|Karol G]], &quot;[[w:Don't Be Shy|Don't Be Shy]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]''
:'''Beavis''': Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It is the perfect crime. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]''
:'''Butt-head''': It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump. 
:''[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa.  What's his ''other'' hand doing?
:'''Butt-head''': He's doing a ''different'' kind of fist pump down there. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, there's something ''else'' dancing down there about the same size. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's masturbating. 
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either. 
:'''Butt-head''': Nothing wrong with that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. ''[a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping]'' Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
:'''Butt-head''': Tiësto. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, &quot;Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside.&quot; And then he's like, &quot;Uh, no, you're gonna thank me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.&quot;

===[[w:Tiffany (singer)|Tiffany]], &quot;[[w:I Think We're Alone Now|I Think We're Alone Now]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This is mall music.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]?
:'''Beavis''': Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!  She'd kick her!
:'''Butt-head''': She should join a gang, like [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': One chick from [[w:L7 (band)|L7]] could kick all of their asses combined.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!

===[[w:Toadies|Toadies]], &quot;[[w:Possum Kingdom|Possum Kingdom]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Make up your mind…
:'''Butt-head''': I already made up my mind; this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that a body?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah I think so.
:'''Beavis''': You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
:'''Butt-head''': They should have killed the people who made it.
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Cornholio''] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, really? What else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, what else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
:'''Beavis''': AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You’re old.
:'''Beavis''': So, um, Butt-head, what would you do, like, if I died?
:'''Butt-head''': I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more [[w:comfort|comfstrable]].

===[[w:Tones and I|Tones and I]], &quot;[[w:Cloudy Day|Cloudy Day]]&quot;===
:'''Tones''': But your mama always said, &quot;Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What's she saying? &quot;Mama always said look up into the sky?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': My mom never said anything like that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like &quot;Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said &quot;There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks.&quot;

===Tool, &quot;Prison Sex&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are. 
:'''Butt-head''': No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that black dude. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'. 
:'''Beavis''': Get 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
:'''Beavis''': That's not a moth-er. That's a bee. 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee. 
:'''Beavis''': You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.

===[[w:Tricky|Tricky]], &quot;Black Steel&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
:'''Beavis''': What dude?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, that [[w:Scott O'Grady|pilot dude]]. That one who was like, in a plane and he [[w:Mrkonjić Grad incident|got shot down]] over [[w:Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bogna-Hersnaslovignia]]. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
:'''Beavis''': He lived off BUGS???
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Martina Topley-Bird|Martina Topley-Bird]]''': But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she ''is'' black.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!&quot;

===[[w:Tripping Daisy|Tripping Daisy]], &quot;I Got A Girl&quot;===
:[''[[w:Tim DeLaughter|the lead singer]] is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it'']
:'''Butt-head''': Zip him back up. He sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
:'''Butt-head''': They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
:'''Beavis''': My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, what are some other operations?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your [[w:tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

===[[w:Jen Trynin|Jen Trynin]], &quot;Happier&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa check it out, they got some of that [[w:Kaopectate|Keeyotepcate]] up there, up above that guy's hands.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?
:'''Beavis''': It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.
:'''Beavis''': It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
:'''Butt-head''': You still have it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
:'''Beavis''': Why?

===[[w:Tyler, the Creator|Tyler, the Creator]], feat. [[w:Kali Uchis|Kali Uchis]], &quot;[[w:See You Again (Tyler, the Creator song)|See You Again]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this Tyler, the Creator? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
:'''Butt-head''': You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of a lifeboat out at sea]''
:'''Butt-head''': If I was stranded on a lifeboat with [[w:Kali Uchis|that girl]], I'd be like, &quot;Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, make that four.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]''
:'''Beavis''': What country's army is this?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
:''[Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. ''[Tyler is in a ghost costume]'' See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... ''[the costume turns into a swarm of bees]'' See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy? 
:'''Beavis''': No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, &quot;Don't blame me, I didn't vote.&quot;

==U==
===[[U2]]===
====&quot;[[w:Lemon (U2 song)|Lemon]]&quot;====
:[''The word &quot;MEN&quot; appears on screen.'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's that word they put on bathrooms.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I must mean, like, &quot;crap,&quot; or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that word again.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] appears on screen singing.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Crap is singing.
:[''[[w:The Edge|The Edge]] appears on screen dialing a phone.'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Crap is on the telephone.
:[''[[w:Adam Clayton|Adam Clayton]] appears on screen playing bass guitar.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
:[''[[w:Larry Mullen Jr.|Larry Mullen Jr.]] appears on screen playing drums.]
:'''Beavis''': And this piece of crap is playing the drums.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring.  Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head.  Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahhh!  Ahhh!
:'''Butt-head''': Dillweed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': He's got one of those [[w:Tension headache|attention headaches]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got an attention headaches this big.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis.  Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:One (U2 song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''' ''[referring to the buffalo]'': Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's a buffalo, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this &quot;[[art]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': This &quot;[[means]]&quot; something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something [[stupid]].

====&quot;[[w:Mysterious Ways|Mysterious Ways]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[Bono|Boner]]&quot; is pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': That's because he has a cool [[name]].
:'''Butt-head''': I bet when he was little, his [[mom]] used to say, &quot;Boner, come to [[dinner]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! She'd say, &quot;Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then in the [[morning]], she'd turn to Boner's [[dad]], and say, &quot;Is Boner up yet?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the [[teachers]] would say, &quot;Your [[son]] sure does [[sing]] well,&quot; and he'd say, &quot;That's my Boner.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Boner!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a cool name. You know who has a really [[stupid]] name, though? &quot;[[The Edge]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;The Edge.&quot; What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;Numb&quot;====
:[''video opens with water dripping from a faucet'']
:'''Butt-head''': A leak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''water is shown to be dripping on [[w:The Edge|The Edge]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] The Edge.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's called &quot;Numb.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It should be called &quot;Dumb.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  [''reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes''] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth!  Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tie his jaw shut.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's saying, [''softly''] &quot;Uh, excuse me, Edge?  This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] starts singing in The Edge's left ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': And then Bono's saying, &quot;If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  &quot;And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two women are licking The Edge's face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute!  This is cool.
:[''another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge'']
:'''Beavis''': Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[[''two feet are pressed against The Edge's face'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Kick him!  Yeah, there you go, yeah.  Shove your foot in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yuck!  She just kissed him where that chick put her feet!  That's yucky!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''a man whispers in The Edge's ear''] &quot;Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;Up yours.&quot; [''The Edge appears to give the man the finger''] Yeah.

===[[w:Ugly Kid Joe|Ugly Kid Joe]], &quot;Neighbor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
:'''Beavis''': How come he calls himself &quot;Ugly Kid&quot; and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
:'''Butt-head''': Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Shut up!

==V==
===[[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]], &quot;Can't Stop Loving You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, Van Halen!
:'''Butt-head''': Van Halen kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah-hh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ohh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Umm, is this Van Halen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's [[w:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two football players are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Athletes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video.  'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch [[w:The Nashville Network|TNN]], all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  All they need now is a big pickup truck.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch.  We should try that.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid!  Then you can't get any stains on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see?  'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh yeah.  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]], &quot;I Love You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Look! Look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes you have a way with words.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Why bother? All we seem to get on this [[t.v.]] is bad [[w:music videos|videos]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

===[[w:Violent Femmes|Violent Femmes]]===
====&quot;Breakin' Up&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Dark voices are talking to me…
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
:'''Beavis''': He says [''high-pitched Chinese accent''] &quot;Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And what does the white guy say?
:'''Beavis''': The same thing. But he talks just like me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say &quot;Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Here it comes! [''Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat''] YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

====&quot;Nightmares&quot;====
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
:'''Butt-head''': But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [''Dramatic shock sound effect plays'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks. [''Sound effect plays again''] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No it wasn't.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everytime you do that, it sucks! [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

==W==
===[[Tom Waits]], &quot;I Don't Want to Grow Up&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! It's the [[w:Noid|Noid]].
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! The Noid is cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom starts his signature wailing'']
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those [[w:uvula|uvulas]]? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… where?
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then some chicks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds! 
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds. 
:'''Butt-head''': Satan always likes to have some turds by.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

===Jake Walden, &quot;For Someone&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Jake Walden looking sensually at the viewer]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, you wanna start something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': No, I don't. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is. 
:'''Jake Walden''': ... even whores can fall for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Walden's singing]'' &quot;Even whores fall for someone...&quot; Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude. 
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, it does not. 
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake Walden''': ... I'm just speaking from my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart. 
:'''Beavis''': He speaks from his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Jake Walden''': ''[sensually looking at the viewer]'' ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': ''[does a horrified spit take]'' AHHHH! That was horrible!
:'''Butt-head''': I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. ''[begins to rewind the video]''
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, do ''not'' rewind it.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe you're not listening with your heart. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! ''[Walden looks at the viewer sensually again]'' AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!
:'''Butt-head''': I have said all I have to say.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head... ''[wretches]'' I need to go throw up.

===[[w:James Walters|Jamie Walters]], &quot;Hold On&quot;===
:'''Jamie Walters''': I don't wanna see you…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't wanna see you either!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.
:'''Beavis''': Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, there's nothing else on.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what happened to those cards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, they're right here.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, let's play another round.  I wanna win my two dollars back.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...okay.  Uh, this game is called &quot;Bunghole Surprise&quot;.  [''shuffles the cards'']
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay. [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head.  The pair have now started their card game''] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dumbass.  Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards.  Uh, I bet 18 dollars.  And I won.  So you owe me 18 dollars.  Bunghole.
:'''Beavis''':  No way!  That's too much!  I don't wanna play this anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, ah no!  Okay, I'll play.  Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.  Uh, I won.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!  Really?  How come I keep losing?  I never win!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wang Chung (band)|Wang Chung]], &quot;[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
:'''Beavis''': No way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why are these guys so snotty?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They look all pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And tired!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is up against a wall in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': He's wang chunging.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's peeing!
:'''Beavis''': That's cool!  I peed in the gym once!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  You're pretty cool, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where are the women in this video?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need some chicks, too.

===[[w:Mike Watt|Mike Watt]], &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...who is this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt.  And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window.  So um, so don't change it yet.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees Watt urinating in a bottle''] Is he peeing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  He did!  That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song.  It's called &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess.  You know...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I believe in [[w:Illegal immigration|''illegal'' aliens]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I believe in Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.  You're supposed to call 'em &quot;[[w:Hispanic|Hispandex]]&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, okay okay, sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to [[w:cunt|Hunt]]?  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wax (rock band)|Wax]], &quot;California&quot;===
:[''a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god…
:'''Butt-head''': You may be about to see the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video you have ever seen in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. Ohhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen''] Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing a homeless man throwing a can''] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhohhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
:'''Beavis''': Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool! This is a damn good video.
:'''Beavis''': Ooohooooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
:'''Beavis''': Nooooo…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [''slaps Beavis multiple times'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
:'''Butt-head''': We just saw a dude running around on fire.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really,  and I missed it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

===[[w:Ween|Ween]]===
====&quot;Freedom of '76&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's [[w:Liberty Bell|that bell]] that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
:'''Butt-head''': That's in that [[w:Deuteronomy|Doo-doo-ronemy]] section.
:'''Beavis''': The Bible kicks ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out. It's [[w:Dean Ween|Dean]] and [[w:Gene Ween|Gene Ween]].
:'''Butt-head''': Ween.
:'''Beavis''': Ween kicks ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
:'''Beavis''': [''screeches''] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How does he do that? How does he [[w:falsetto|sing all high]] and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You should try it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
:'''Beavis''': Not really. No, I guess not.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
:'''Beavis''': Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Well, do you use your nads for anything?
:'''Butt-head''': No. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

====&quot;I Can't Put My Finger On It&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:[''the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Umm...let me see.  Check this out.  [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Then ''you'' do something!  [''putting on a slight accent''] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You think I'm just here for your amusement?  You wanna do something about it?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a Greek gyro is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, look at that.  Mmm, that looks good!  I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um...&quot;heroes&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [''Greek accent''] &quot;Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you bunghole!  Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Check this out. [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's not even funny, Beavis.  You have to do it like this.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [''puts his finger between his lips and babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now see, that's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I see what you mean.  Okay, check this out. [''babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Push th' Little Daisies|Push th' Little Daisies]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this crap?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bowl of cucumbers is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Mine has more bumps.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  [[w:Gene Ween|This guy]] sounds like ''you''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartknocker!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That dude's wearing a [[w:yarmulke|Yamaha]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gene Ween''': If you think that I'm a loser...
:'''Beavis''': He ''is'' a loser!  And a pansy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This guy sucks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys got no future.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Chris Burke (actor)|Corky]]!
:'''Gene Ween''': Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up! 
:'''Butt-head''': [''changing the channel''] Push ''this''!

===[[w:Weezer|Weezer]], &quot;[[w:Buddy Holly (song)|Buddy Holly]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': No but um…I don't think this is a video.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think this is…I think this is like, ''[[w:Happy Days|Happy Days]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Crappy days.
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing theme song to [[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'']
:'''Beavis''': One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
:'''Butt-head''': We're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Butt-head''': I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…[[w:Pat Morita|that dude]] from ''[[The Karate Kid]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''Fake Japanese accent''] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude could kick [[w:Fonzie|Fonzie]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I wonder why.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? &quot;Sit on it.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

===[[w:Whale (band)|Whale]], &quot;Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [''forgets the words''] ah, ah…bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': This kinda like, ah, rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's not bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
:'''Beavis''': [''the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men''] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, back in line!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's pretending to feel her butt.
:'''Beavis''': She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
:'''Beavis''': She's probably got one of those overbites.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in [[w:music videos|videos]] wore underpants!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

===[[w:Wham!|Wham!]], &quot;[[w:Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go|Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:George Michael|He]]'s smiling at you, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy always likes to show off his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And his butt sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is one of those workout tapes.  They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is making me sick.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Barry White|Barry White]], &quot;Put Me In Your Mix&quot;===
:'''Barry White''': Put it in.
:'''Butt-head''': Put it in?  Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Put it in.  PUT IT IN!
:'''Barry White''': Take my love and put it in...
:'''Butt-head''': Man!  I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
:'''Butt-head''': What?  You're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
:'''Beavis''': I get it!  It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Eric the Rod.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The Rod.  See?  See?  I got that.  Yeah.  The Rod.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Barry White''': Put me in...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is one horny dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Karyn White|Karyn White]], &quot;The Way I Feel About You&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a black cat is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
:'''Butt-head''': You're looking at the cat?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm checking out the chick, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]], &quot;[[w:Black Sunshine|Black Sunshine]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera is zooming through a yard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cool lawn mower!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Rob Zombie|This guy]] is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is that guy from Rastafaria?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''bright lights are flashing inside a barn''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is briefly shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Skulls are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''closeups of eyes are shown''] Eyeballs are cool.  Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool!  I'll go get the pliers.
:'''Beavis''': Yes!  Yes!

===[[w:Wilco|Wilco]], &quot;[[w:Box Full of Letters|Box Full of Letters]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…wow. Something's different about this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other [[w:music videos|videos]] you see lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [''exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen''] Okay, where's the syrup?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling out ''] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um…where's the spatula?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay! [''Beavis can be heard running''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Look under the bed!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [''walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head''] Hey, how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey. Pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun dun da dun…''[yells from the kitchen''] How's that video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
:'''Beavis''': How much mayonnaise do I put in?
:'''Butt-head''': None!
:'''Beavis''': One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [''long beat''] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think so. [''the smoke alarm goes off'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! OW!!

===[[w:Vanessa L. Williams|Vanessa Williams]], &quot;[[w:Work to Do|Work to Do]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oooh!
:'''Beavis''': Aaaah!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Do that thing you do!
:'''Beavis''': This chick is ''hot!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What are those things?
:'''Butt-head''': They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Being rich is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're like, rich...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]], &quot;Release Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Their parents were in the Beatles.
:'''Beavis''': These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Which one's Theodore?
:'''Butt-head''': He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. &quot;I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!&quot;

===[[w:Winger (band)|Winger]], &quot;Seventeen&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Kip Winger|His]] teeth are whiter than white!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They're...white!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys live on the edge!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The edge of Wuss Cliff.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]'s﻿ theme song.

==X==
==Y==
===[[Yanni]], &quot;Reflections of Passion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Life. What a beautiful choice.
:'''Beavis''': Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [''Yanni fades in on screen''] Whoa, look at that, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. This is Yanni.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, change it, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I can't believe they're even showing this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no. I was just kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

===[[w:Yes (band)|Yes]], &quot;[[w:Owner of a Lonely Heart|Owner of a Lonely Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, that's him, officer.
:'''Beavis''': Book him, Danno.
:'''Butt-head''': Kick him, Danno.
:'''Beavis''': And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, where are they taking him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean, like, &quot;I'm a monkey's uncle&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
:'''Beavis''': If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go &quot;Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No sir! Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're making him fight the janitor.
:'''Beavis''': Fight, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go &quot;Now who's bad?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man jumps off a tall building'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [''The man transforms into a bird''] What? He turned into a bird!
:'''Butt-head''': If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
:'''Beavis''': Cock-a-doodle-doo!

===[[w:Yolanda Be Cool|Yolanda Be Cool]] feat. [[w:DCUP|DCUP]], &quot;[[w:We No Speak Americano|We No Speak Americano]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
:'''Butt-head''': If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''at the chorus''] Now this is the cool part of the song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
:'''Beavis''': No you don't. Check this out. [''Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [''Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other'']
:'''Beavis''': No soy Americano…

===[[w:Gary Young|Gary Young]], &quot;Plantman&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…is this [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Plantman? What's that?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [''imitates randomly hitting a drum kit''] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
:'''Butt-head''': That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes &quot;Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)#&quot;Spoonman&quot;|Spoonman]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, I just thought of something else.
:'''Butt-head''': How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doing what?
:'''Butt-head''': That thing where you go &quot;Heyy,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': This feels good. Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.

===[[w:Young MC|Young MC]], &quot;Principal's Office&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this &quot;[[w:A Different World|A Different World]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  School.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they do so many videos in school?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd ''go'' there!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's worth a try, Beavis.

==Z==
===[[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]], &quot;Rock It Out&quot;===
:[''video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Those black boxes suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a [[w:Women in prison film|women in prison movie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah!  I think so!
:'''Beavis''': All right, yeah!  I'm up for this, yeah.  Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this ''[[w:Chained Heat|Chained Heat]]''?  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this ''isn't'' a women in prison movie.  It's like, they're singing and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  W - what's the deal here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh, wait a minute.  Waaaaait a minute.  I know what this is.  This is &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's just like, you know, &quot;Cop&quot;, but without the &quot;Rock&quot;?  You know, they're just, like, &quot;Cop.&quot;  It - it was just &quot;Cop.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Could be a show about people copping a feel.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd tune in to that, yeah.

===[[Frank Zappa]], &quot;You Are What You Is&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
:'''Beavis''': His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [''blows a long loud raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
:'''Beavis''': I'm spraying. [''blows another raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
:'''Beavis''': Just now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this really sucks. [''changes the channel'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after watching the Europeans' &quot;We Are Animals&quot; for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is still on? That pisses me off!
:'''Beavis''': That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

===[[w:ZZ Top|ZZ Top]], &quot;Legs&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  She wants it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And I'm gonna give it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Billy Gibbons|Billy Gibbons]] has a long beard.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think he has a long johnson?
:'''Beavis''': Does he have a ''[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]]''??
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Don Johnson is married to [[w:Melanie Griffith|that chick]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head!  [[w:Al Bundy|Al Bundy]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ted Bundy|that dude that killed all those people]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That's the dude from &quot;[[w:All My Children|All My Children]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  The dude from &quot;All My Children&quot; killed people?
:'''Beavis''': No, that was the dude from &quot;Rock&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Better change it, dude.  This video is telling a story.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Stories suck.  [''changes channel'']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorization probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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      <id>3607370</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T02:35:14Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="611878" sha1="h70d44j54w38kna3azklqryfjdyhmjs" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
{{mergeto|Beavis and Butt-head}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022-present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It follows the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. Interspersed with the episodes were [[w:music video|music videos]], viewed and commented on by the two title characters.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

&lt;!-- Feel free to add more music videos; however, please alphabetize them and put the artist first, then the song. --&gt;

==#==
===[[w:2 Unlimited|2 Unlimited]], &quot;[[w:Get Ready for This|Get Ready For This]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''': Um, is this football?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''': Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You know what this is?  This is ''[[w:Telemundo|Telemundo]]''!  [''gibbers in Spanish'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking.  And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That guy's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, &quot;Aprenda, [''Spanish gibberish''].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I bet he scores constantly!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what I think I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that.  And then, I will ''score'' all the time!
:'''Butt-head''': Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff?  That would probably work.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Hey baby, ¿quieres [[w:Buñuelo|buñuelo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, &quot;[''Spanish gibberish'']&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, they'd like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This music kind of sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't even music, really.  This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;How much for your organ, sir?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son.  Please don't touch it.&quot;

===[[w:3OH!3|3OH!3]], &quot;[[w:Touchin' on My|Touchin' on My]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Referring to man walking with stereo''] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
:'''Beavis''': Not a care in the world, you know?
:[''The guy is hit by a car'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A naked man appears from the front'']
:'''Beavis''': There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it. 
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they compliment each other, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe? 
:'''Beavis''': See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet deaf people hate them too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm glad these guys found each other. 
:'''Beavis''': I wonder how they met.
:'''Butt-head''': They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like &quot;Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office. 
:'''Beavis''': Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!

===[[w:7 Year Bitch|7 Year Bitch]], &quot;Hip Like Junk&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before.  This chick beats herself in the head later.  It's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  This is gonna be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  You know what this band is called?  It's called 7 Year BITCH!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Also, it helps when they're [''suave voice''] ''sexy!''  ''Ye-eah!  Ooh!  That's a fine lady!  Yeah.  These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh...okay, here it comes.  Here she goes.  [''lead singer [[w:Selene Vigil-Wilk|Selene Vigil]] hits her open hands against her head''] YEAH, YEAH!  HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH!  YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Selene Vigil''': We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what do you mean?  You mean, like, like ''we're'' stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I don't know!  I'm not some [[w:Rocket science|rocket]]...uh, some rocketship or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

==A==
===[[w:a-ha|a-ha]], &quot;[[w:Take On Me|Take On Me]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, [[w:elevator|elevator]] music?

===[[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdul]], &quot;[[w:Crazy Cool|Crazy Cool]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Why?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause I have to take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [''Beavis gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… [[w:Epidermis (skin)|epidermis]].
:'''Beavis''': Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [''leaves again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

===[[AC/DC]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (song)|Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Angus Young|Angus Young]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Malcolm Young|Malcolm]] is cool, too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Phil Rudd|That drummer]] is old.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did Phil Rudd die?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That was that [[w:Bon Scott|Bon Scott]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a clip of a man with a halo is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy is special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing with [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]]''] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Sing it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Dirty deeds are cool.  Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever done a dirty deed?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I spanked my monkey one time.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys always wear the same clothes.  That's cool!  Hey.  ''We'' always wear the same clothes!  I've had this shirt on for six months.
:'''Beavis''': I've had this on for ''seven'' months.

====&quot;[[w:Highway to Hell (song)|Highway to Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] looks like he's taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!

====&quot;[[w:You Shook Me All Night Long|You Shook Me All Night Long]]&quot;====
:[''[[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's naked!  Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Look!  Boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs.  That's cool!

===[[Accept (band)|Accept]], &quot;Balls to the Wall&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You got a backstage pass, sir?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates the lead singer's German accent'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where did this guy come from?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he ''is'' saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Usually, [[w:demolition|demolition]] and [[destruction]] is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some [[fire]] in this video, it would still suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look! It's [[w:Krokus (Band)|Krokus]] coming to kick their ass. It's ''The [[Night of the Living Dead|Night of the Living Bands That Suck]]''.

===[[w:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]], [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]], and [[Sting (musician)|Sting]], &quot;[[w:All for Love (song)|All for Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGGHH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh dear Lord!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHHHH!
:[''the two start vomiting'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it.  This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, the [[w:Traveling Wilburys|Traveling Wilburys]].
:'''Beavis''': The Traveling Dingleberries?  I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt.  Come on, Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.  I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I think it, like, messes up the tape.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Aerosmith]]===
::''See also: Aerosmith, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot; by Aerosmith|&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.''

====&quot;[[w:Livin' on the Edge|Livin' on the Edge]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are pretty tough!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I didn't know girls were cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check it out!  Where's his penis?
:'''Beavis''': It's in his hand, where it always is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  Even though they're 60.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one guy's 69.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks'']
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like Vanilli.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching'']
:'''Beavis''': Hit him!  Hit him!  Hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Just keep playing!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything's cool.  [''Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes''] Aogh!  That sucked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should've waited longer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  [''car crashes, airbags deploy''] Aogh!  [[w:Airbag|Airbags]] suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Rag Doll (Aerosmith song)|Rag Doll]]&quot;====
:[''a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]!
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;Buttafuoco.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do you think &quot;Buttafuoco&quot; means?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;back door.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about Steven Tyler''] Dude looks like a lady!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Speakeasy on the grapevine...
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis,  I thought ''you'' were [[daddy]]'s little cutie.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!

===[[Alice in Chains]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Stay Away|I Stay Away]]&quot;====
:[''video is entirely claymation'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  Boy, they sure look different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll buy that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown?  And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [''a woman's nipple is shown''] Whoa, check it out!  I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...no it wasn't!  W - what do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh.  Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I could go get some clay ''now'' and make a boob with a nipple on it.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Um...wait a minute.  You have some clay?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Damn.  Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob.  Yeah.  Maybe a butt, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Last time, you just made an ashtray.  It sucked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well, you made a baseball.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  So then you made ''that''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But not out of clay.

====&quot;[[w:Man in the Box|Man in the Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Right on, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
:'''Beavis''': Fences are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Especially electric fences.
:'''Beavis''': [''chanting''] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he saw that [[w:Winger (band)|Winger]] video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!

====&quot;[[w:Them Bones|Them Bones]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a [[baby]].
:'''Butt-head''': How did ''that'' happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video I've ever [[seen]] in my [[life]].

===[[w:Alien Sex Fiend|Alien Sex Fiend]], &quot;Now I'm Feeling Zombified&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]! Skulls!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy looks pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [''Beavis turns the volume all the way down'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That's better. [''Starts humming metal music'']
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing along''] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! All I need is clown makeup. 
:'''Butt-head''': I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're cool.

===[[Tori Amos]]===
====&quot;Crucify&quot;====
:'''Tori Amos''': I wanna spit in their faces…
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna spit on someone?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tori Amos''': I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitating Dave Mustaine''] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many [[w:music video|videos]] are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
:'''Beavis''': At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
:'''Beavis''': Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see [[Psycho (1960 film)|that soap commercial]] where that chick gets stabbed? [''Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score''] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch. That's that [[Deliverance|movie about those guys in the woods]].
:'''Beavis''': They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [''imitates stabbing movements again''] REE! REE! REE! REE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, a commercial for [[w:VH1|VH1]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;The difference between you and your parents&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;God&quot;====
:[''video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rats are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Somebody better call the Orkin Man.  [''Tori Amos is holding a candle''] Whoa, candle!  Candle!  Candle!  Candle!
:'''Butt-head''': Candles rule.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, &quot;AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!&quot; and then you wake up.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em.  He usually gives me one for my birthday.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes'']
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is psycho!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man.  I'd, like, stay away from her.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
:'''Beavis''': That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They get all psycho!

===[[w:Anthrax (American band)|Anthrax]], &quot;Hy Pro Glo&quot;===
::''See also: Anthrax, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot; covered by Anthrax|&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.''

:'''Butt-head''': The army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that [[w:Scott Ian|Scott dude]] is in the army.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah: &quot;Today's army rocks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|National Anthem]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, the National Anthrax.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, [[w:The Judds|the Judds]] could come out and go: &quot;'''''I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bomb is shown exploding'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
:'''Beavis:''': Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.

===[[w:Archers of Loaf|Archers of Loaf]], &quot;Web in Front&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Oh!  Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that pig can score, and we ''can't?''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, if pigs had a video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': and like, we were in that video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...then like, we could score.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  You mean, like, with a pig?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  With a chick in the video!
:'''Beavis''': With a chicken??
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's that?
:'''Butt-head''': Just a regular chick!
:'''Beavis''': Ohh!  Oh, oh, oh.  Oh, I see.  Yeah.  Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's the deal with this short dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
:'''Beavis''': Really.  It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]], &quot;Close (To the Edit)&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's holding a wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You know that video about that guy who lost his penis?  He should watch ''this'' video!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not his penis, Beavis!  Uh [''chuckles'']...his Beavis, penis!  Penis, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP!  Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least ''my'' name doesn't rhyme with &quot;penis.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Your mom's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom.  We're talking about how your name sounds like &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]] with [[w:Tom Jones (singer)|Tom Jones]], &quot;[[w:Kiss (Prince song)|Kiss]]&quot;===
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be beautiful...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I'm beautiful?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]] sure is old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's ''white!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has that disease, like [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He got it from Prince.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you just have to be stupid.
:'''Tom Jones''': ...kiss.
:'''Butt-head''': Kiss ''this!''  [''Beavis moons the TV screen'']
:'''Beavis''': I like that song &quot;[[w:Gett Off|Gett Off]]&quot; better.  And &quot;[[w:Cream (Prince song)|Cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;get off.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  This isn't Prince!  This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==B==
===[[w:Babes in Toyland (band)|Babes in Toyland]], &quot;[[w:Bruise Violet|Bruise Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. These chicks rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Kat Bjelland|Kat Bjelland]]: [[Liar]].'']
:'''Beavis''': [[Fire]]?
:[''Kat Bjelland: Liar.'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, assmunch, she said &quot;liar.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Are you calling me a liar?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.

===[[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]], &quot;[[w:Venus_(Shocking_Blue_song)#Bananarama_version|Venus]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing along with group'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm your Beavis!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what [[w:penis|rhymes with]] &quot;Venus&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Um…um…venus…[[w:Venus Flytrap|Venus Flytrap]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks should marry [[GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And they would rule [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].
:'''Butt-head''': They would rule the entire world.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Satan's got back!

===[[w:Band Aid (band)|Band Aid]], &quot;[[w:Do They Know It's Christmas?|Do They Know It's Christmas?]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this fartknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
:'''Butt-head''': He should like, go to the doctor, and say: &quot;''Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH! It's that ''dude''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's that [[w:Boy George|Boy chick]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Phil Collins is seen playing the drums'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a ''dork''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

===[[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], &quot;[[w:Manic Monday|Manic Monday]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these girls [[sex|bang]] elves. Hey, Beavis, would you [[sex|bangle]] her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are the kind of [[girls]] that won't [[talk]] to us.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, these are a bunch of [[rich]] chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they're [[afraid]] of our [[love]].

===[[w:Toni Basil|Toni Basil]], &quot;[[w:Mickey (song)|Mickey]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's ''this?''  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This is stupid!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Dire Straits|Dire Straits]] again?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These cheerleaders are fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is stupid!  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, wait a minute.  Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

===[[w:Battles (band)|Battles]] feat. [[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;My Machines&quot;===
:[''a man begins falling down an escalator'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a [[w:Cinnabon|Cinnabon]]! Maybe some [[w:Dippin' Dots|Dippin' Dots]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [''Imitates music'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His kid's probably like &quot;uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?&quot; He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator. 

===[[Beastie Boys]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pass the Mic|Pass the Mic]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's about time.
:'''Beavis''': HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]] that [[w:Ad-Rock|this dude's]] [[w:Israel Horovitz|dad]] writes movies.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's like, he writes what they say.
:'''Beavis''': You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
:'''Butt-head''': No he writes it down before they say it!
:'''Beavis''': Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
:'''Butt-head''': He just, like, makes it up.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well anybody can do that!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he just like, writes &quot;kaboom&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': How about when like people are like, you know, [[w:sexual intercourse|naked and getting it on]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, he just writes &quot;squeak, squeak, squeak, wank&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Sabotage (song)|Sabotage]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time!
:'''Beavis''': It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [''hums the main riff'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''&quot;The Chief&quot; kicks through a steel gate'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [''Cochese kicks a concrete wall''] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries'']
:'''Beavis''': Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check this out!  See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Yauch|MCA]], in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads &quot;guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, when the real video finally comes out?
:'''Butt-head''': This is the video, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No way! That's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:DJ Hurricane|DJ Hurricane]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Fred Kelly as Bunny&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads &quot;starring Nathan Wind as Cochese&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
:'''Butt-head''': Cochese is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Horovitz|Ad-Rock]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's &quot;the Rookie&quot;, see? See Cochese back there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh.
:'''Beavis''': See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.

====&quot;So What'cha Want&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The forecast is partially cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beastie Boys''': I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating the Beastie Boys''] Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Gardena!  Gardena!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys are good dancers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I wish I was more like them.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.

===[[Beck]], &quot;[[w:Pay No Mind (Snoozer)|Pay No Mind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what's that noise?
:'''Butt-head''': It's Satan, dumbass. [''imitates warbled tape'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Tonight the city is full of morgues…
:'''Butt-head''': Tonight, the city's full of whores?
:'''Beavis''': I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beck is wearing a shirt that says &quot;Rock Me&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out Beavis, his shirt says &quot;Kick me&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, kick him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
:'''Beavis''': Those guys always, like, write words like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. &quot;The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky.&quot; That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…hmm. I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing a policeman run into a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

===[[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gees]], &quot;[[w:Jive Talkin'|Jive Talkin']]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Black Crowes|the Black Crowes]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with [[w:Anthrax (band)|Anthrax]] and [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. They're cool.

===[[w:Belly (band)|Belly]], &quot;[[w:Feed the Tree|Feed the Tree]]&quot;===
:[''video is set in a forest'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Trees.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you like [[w:Tanya Donelly|her]] hair up or down, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
:'''Beavis''': No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis!  What are your hands doing in your pocket?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just looking for my lighter.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.  You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Benny Benassi|Benny Benassi]]=== 
====[[w:Cinema )Benny Benassi song)|Cinema====, feat. [[w:Gary Go|Gary Go]]
:''[the video starts with various shots of the groin of different men]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they're showing all these guys' crotches?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is like a masturbation experiment.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time, you know? Because I've always been saying that we need to have more funds for masturbation research.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah really. The Chinese are killing us.
:''[a helmet is put on a man, and a scientist sets some controls]''
:'''Butt-head''': Masturbation frequency dialed in. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[the man starts to see erotic women in the helmet's visor]'' Yeah, you know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use, know what I'm saying? My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you have a masturbation helmet?
:'''Beavis''': I mean, it's a football helmt. Safety first.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is taken off]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You have now masturbated. Congratulations.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You may go, but leave the helmet.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is put on another man]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! He has to use the same helmet as that other guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The doctor's like, &quot;No no, no one's used this before. It's brand new.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why's it all steamy?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a man sees a woman in the helmet, and gives her a rose and a ring]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so that's this guy's fantasy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this, on MY tax dollars?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's part of the [[w:American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009|stimulus package]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if like, when you're done, you can use that helmet to watch like, ''[[w:Meet the Fockers|Meet the Fockers]]'' or something. That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Satisfaction (Benny Benassi song)|Satisfaction]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with a hammer beating on a nail in rhythm to the beat]''
:'''Butt-head''': ''[chuckling]'' Nail. ''[A power drill is shown]'' Drill.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as multiple scantily clad women work construction equipment and dance to the music]''
:'''Beavis''': Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.
:'''Beavis''': What are they building?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like, ''erecting'' a structure... in my pants. 
:''[they chuckle]''
:'''Beavis''': You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good. 
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them. 
:'''Beavis''': They're like, &quot;Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real ''slow''.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:''[a woman working a jackhammer appears]''
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but longer.

===[[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]], &quot;[[w:Love Is a Battlefield|Love Is a Battlefield]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look!  She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is shown walking by a strip club with &quot;GIRLS&quot; flashing'']
:'''Beavis''':  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand'']
:'''Butt-head''': He touched her butt!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's a hooker!  [''Pat's father is shown''] His daughter's a hooker!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is singing in a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's singing to the homeless!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What are the homeless?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's shaking her boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  This video tells a story!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm pitching a tent!
:'''Butt-head''': This story sucks!  Change it.

===[[w:Big Country|Big Country]], &quot;[[w:In a Big Country|In a Big Country]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Those are cool!  I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Divers.  Go down!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This is, like, a [[w:James Bond in film|James Bong movie]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need that short guy, [[w:Oddjob|Handjob]] to come out.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;job&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, an [[w:Irish Spring|Irish Spring]] commercial?  [''bad Irish accent''] ''&quot;I might stronger than I care to be!&quot;''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;It is a manly soap.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!&quot; [''laughs uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I'll kick your ass!  [''Butt-head continues laughing''] Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]]===
====&quot;Punishment&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Nipple]] rings are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys kick ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they could kick our ass.

====&quot;Tales From the Hard Side&quot;====
:'''[[w:Evan Seinfeld|Evan Seinfeld]]''': Tales from the hard side!
:'''Butt-head''': Tales from the ''hard'' side?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Is that, like, stories about [[w:Erection|stiffies]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, &quot;Once upon a time, I had a stiffy.  And I lived happily ever after.  And that's my tale from the hard side.  Thank you, I'm Beavis.  Good night.&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah, me too. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music.  It's metal!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You just don't have any like, uh, imagination. 
:'''Beavis''': Um, I know.  I don't want any, either.  Imagination sucks!  It HURTS when I use my imagination! 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That dude can scream for a long time.
:'''Beavis''': No way, that's nothing!  Check this out. [''Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]] w/ [[w:Onyx (band)|Onyx]], &quot;Judgment Night&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass.
:'''Butt-head''': See, you did it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''You'' did it again, heh, Beavis.

===[[w:Bivouac (band)|Bivouac]], &quot;Cynic&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is boring.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
:'''Beavis''': If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
:'''Beavis''': No, no way!
:'''Butt-head''': You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It was cool!

===[[w:Biz Markie|Biz Markie]], &quot;[[w:Just A Friend|Just A Friend]]&quot;===
:[''Biz Markie is dressed as [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] and playing the harpsichord'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's dressed up like [[George Washington|that dude]] on the [[w:United_States_one-dollar_bill|dollar]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biz Markie''': You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
:'''Butt-head''': [''singing off-key''] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': [''also singing off-key''] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
:'''Beavis''': Me, too.
:'''Butt-head''': I would look pretty cool, huh?

===[[Björk|Björk]]===
====&quot;[[w:Army of Me|Army of Me]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is that, Bee-ork chick…
:'''Beavis''': I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Where did you hear that?
:'''Beavis''': This guy told me.  
:'''Butt-head''': What guy?
:'''Beavis''': This guy in the bathroom.  
:'''Butt-head''': You mean in the bathroom at school?
:'''Beavis''': No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  
:'''Beavis''': There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning. 
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. There's no one in there.
:'''Beavis''': Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.  
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a bunghole. [''exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard''] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [''re-enters''] There wasn't anybody in there.
:'''Beavis''': Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.  
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': Does he have like blond hair?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': And does he kinda talk like this? [''does a bad impression of Beavis''] &quot;Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. &quot;Yeah, yeah, Björk has a dong&quot;. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:Big Time Sensuality|Big Time Sensuality]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  That's a chick.  She's got his haircut, though. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a weirdo. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She's, like, one of those drama club teachers. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like they say, &quot;Be a tree&quot;. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Now be a sad tree.  Now be a happy tree!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Man.  This chick is out of her gourd! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's, like, completely whacked out. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money. 
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not like they're going around saying, &quot;We need a ''normal'' chick to dance on this truck.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 
:'''Butt-head''': I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Björk grabs her crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!  Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch. 
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  You're thinking of nads.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch?  Hmm.  I'll be damned.

===[[w:Black Francis|Frank Black]], &quot;[[w:Los Angeles (Frank Black song)|Los Angeles]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Black''': I met a man, he was a good man...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Frank Black''] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man!  Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera'']
:'''Butt-head''': Quit pointing that stick at me!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's just trying to show off.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who ''are'' these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Where's the fat guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a car is shown running over several light bulbs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Hey, Butt-head.  You know what we should do, like, in the meantime?  We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.

===[[w:The Black Crowes|Black Crowes]], &quot;High Head Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what spaceship?
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, [[w:Hypnotism|hypmotized]] me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
:'''Butt-head''': And you looked like a dork.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these little guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
:'''Butt-head''': They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

===[[Black Sabbath]], &quot;[[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Check it out!  [''screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Which one's [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy]]?
:'''Beavis''': That's him in the [[w:Members Only|Members Only]] jacket.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, that's Ozzy's son!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ozzy's older than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:[''the two imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are these guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch.  They're American.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  That was cool!  Milk poured out of his neck.

===[[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]], &quot;[[w:Galaxie (song)|Galaxie]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I ''do!''  They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis.  'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''sperm is shown in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come there's always sperm in videos now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't know, um...
:'''Butt-head''': I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, &quot;Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, really.  You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, this is Blind Melon!  Did you know all these guys are blind?
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I saw it on MTV News.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I'll be damned!  You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah.  Okay, Beavis.

===[[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]], &quot;[[w:Rapture (Blondie song)|Rapture]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This chick looks like that one porno star.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that ''[[w:Hairspray (1988 film)|Hairspray]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This chick's real name is [[w:Debbie Harry|Deborah Harry]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say &quot;Harry Deborah.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': How come?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this dork!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
:[''Debbie nudges him away'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think we have a winner.
:'''Beavis''': I think we have a wiener.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those commercials for [[w:K-tel|K-tel Records]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Hey, Beavis!  I hear disco is making a comeback!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Just dial 1-800-WUSS!&quot;

===[[w:Blues Traveler|Blues Traveler]], &quot;[[w:Run Around|Run Around]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! Where's that [[w:John Popper|big fat dude]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob bouncing around on the stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl. 
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember [[w:Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids|that cartoon]] that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go &quot;Hey Hey Hey!&quot;? 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [''In wobbling voice''] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy]] was this hot in the [[w:The Wizard of Oz (film)|movie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [''imitating an old man''] &quot;''Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV! Aaaoorrghh, it was rough!''&quot;

===[[Blur (band)|Blur]]===
====&quot;[[w:Chemical World|Chemical World]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
:'''Butt-head''': So? You are too!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
:'''Butt-head''': What's different about it?
:'''Beavis''': Um, it's a different wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna pee on a snail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a goat appears on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh?
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

====&quot;[[w:Parklife (song)|Parklife]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is a happy little tune.
:'''Beavis''': Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, is that [[w:Richard Dawson|that dude]] who's the host on [[w:Family Feud|Family Feud]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, nads?
:'''Butt-head''': Survey SAID!!! [''imitates buzzer''] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was &quot;ass&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it.
:'''Butt-head''': And I have to kick you there right now. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [''scoffs''] ''families''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Daniels''': I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell language is he speaking?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This must be English. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent''] 
:'''Butt-Head''': England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!

===[[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]]===
====&quot;Everybody's Crazy&quot;====
:'''Man in video''': Michael, are you crazy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Michael who?
:'''Beavis''': [[Michael Jackson]]?
:''[the conversation in the video continues'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not. [''embarrased''] Uhh…uh oh.
:'''Beavis''': What, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I think I just pooped in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can probably make any kind of music suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [''does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton''] &quot;'''''Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come chicks like this dude so much?
:'''Butt-head''': There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, &quot;Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:How Am I Supposed to Live Without You|How Am I Supposed to Live Without You]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh!
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Beavis''': UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': UUHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Augh!
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
:'''Beavis''': [''butting in''] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [''singing badly''] '''''THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!'''''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Remember that café in Paris?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': &quot;JEAN-PIERRE!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[Bon Jovi]]===
====&quot;In These Arms&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAGH!
:'''Butt-head''': UUGH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out! What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing Jon Bon Jovi'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Bridget Fonda|Bridget Fonda]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [[w:Baby Got Back|Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I'm a cowboy&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!&quot;
:'''Jon Bon Jovi''': Baby, I want you!
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] '''''BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!'''''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Like the roses want the rain&quot;? [''pauses''] That's stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

====&quot;Something For the Pain&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffing''] Bon Jovi.
:'''Beavis''': But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot; [''Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times''] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] 
:'''Butt-head''': If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [''Beavis kicks him in the testicles again''] AAAAHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

===[[w:Bow Wow Wow|Bow Wow Wow]], &quot;[[w:I Want Candy|I Want Candy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  Bumwipe.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Annabella Lwin|She]] should get naked.  [''Beavis laughs uncontrollably''] Shut up, Beavis!  You're slobbering all over me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's pretty friendly for a chick with a [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|Mohawk]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[Women|Chicks]] with Mohawks are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Does she want candy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
:'''Butt-head''': And some wacky wafers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians|Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians]], &quot;[[w:What I Am|What I Am]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to [[Edie Brickell]], who is squatting''] She's pinching a loaf.
:'''Butt-head''': That's [[disgusting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's [[married]] to that [[Paul Simon|short, old guy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that dude from [[Africa]] that used to be in [[The Beatles]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Edie Brickell]]''': [[Shove]] [[me]] in the shallow [[water]] before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': Huh, she said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again''] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again'']
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
:'''Beavis''': This chick is deep.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edie Brickell''': What I am is what I am…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;What I am.&quot; Didn't [[Popeye]] say that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

===[[Garth Brooks]], &quot;[[w:The Thunder Rolls|The Thunder Rolls]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) &quot;Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
:'''Beavis''': It looks like a zombie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to [[country music|country]] [[songs]] about [[w:whisky|whisky]], [[alcoholic beverages|drinkin']], and butt-kicking?

===Paul Broucek, &quot;Hollywood Halloween&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
:'''Beavis''': Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, ''dads''.
:'''Beavis''': Or uh, nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like [[Colonel Sanders]] was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': His &quot;drumstick&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! [''starts laughing''] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look, it's Batman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

===[[w:Julie Brown|Julie Brown]], &quot;[[w:Girl Fight Tonight!|Girl Fight Tonight!]]&quot;===
:'''Julie Brown''': Girl fight tonight!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, girl fight!  Yeah, yeah, chicks!  Yeah, yeah!  Here's some chicks!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not so fast, Beavis.  Those aren't chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
:'''Beavis''': Hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': and they're dressed up like chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's really dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Boy.  He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip''] Whoa!  Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's cool!  Yeah.  [''girl who got threatened backs against a wall''] I'll save you, baby!  I'll save you!  So long as you do it with me.  It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [''Japanese accent''] &quot;Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style!  Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, &quot;Yeah, she called me a bitch!  And I said, 'You're a slut!'  And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julie Brown''': That's right, you slut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you slut!
:'''Julie Brown''': I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, bitch!
:[''Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe'']
:'''Butt-head''': They should have done this at the ''beginning'' of the video!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Mud wrestling rules!

===[[w:BTS|BTS]], &quot;[[w:Dynamite (BTS song)|Dynamite]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... what? What did you just say? 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' Err, I didn't say anything. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... I thought I heard you say &quot;this kicks ass.&quot; Did you say that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No no, I was talking about something else.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying &quot;this kicks ass,&quot; but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is [[w:J-Hope|J-Hope]]. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like [[w:Suga (rapper)|Suga]].
:'''Butt-head''': You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': ''[defensive]'' I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. ''[leaves the room]''
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... ''[starts to dance to the song]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[coming back into the room]'' You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- ''[sees Beavis excitedly dancing and singing to the rhythm]'' Jesus Christ, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ''[flustered]'' Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on in here?!
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking about something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. ''Anything'' would be better than that.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is my house though. 
:'''Butt-head''': Not anymore, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. ''[leaves the room]'' I'll just come back later.
:'''Butt-head''': No. Never come back. Bunghole.

===[[w:The Bubblemen|The Bubblemen]], &quot;The Bubblemen Are Coming&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
:'''Butt-head''': No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
:'''Beavis''': Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wuss.
:'''Beavis''': [''a Bubbleman stares at the television''] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
:'''Butt-head''': How can you be scared of these guys?
:'''Beavis''': You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going &quot;Doing doing doing doing doing&quot;, and then they get medieval on my ass. [''a Bubbleman waves''] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [''the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones''] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
:'''Beavis''': Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [''the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball''] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wussy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

===[[w:The Bucketheads|The Bucketheads]], &quot;[[w:The Bomb (These Sounds Fall into My Mind)|The Bomb]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…who's this?
:'''Beavis''': This is Buk-a-hey!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the man in the video is seen with two women'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
:'''Beavis''': Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
:'''Beavis''': [''quickly''] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

===[[w:Built to Spill|Built to Spill]], &quot;In the Morning&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, so what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…[[w:Monica Seles|Monica Seles]].
:'''Butt-head''': How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well you know, I like to watch the [[w:Wimbledon|Wilbumdon]]. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, [[w:Steffi Graf|Stiffy Graf]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [''sings''] &quot;[[w:Stand (R.E.M. song)|Stand in the place where you live]],&quot; …yeah, that's what this was in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything sucks.

===[[Kate Bush]], &quot;Love and Anger&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, what is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Get up!
:'''Beavis''': Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': I wish she would stand up and leave.
:'''Beavis''': And I wish the music would stop too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
:[''Glitter begins to fall on her'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And she ''still'' won't get up.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe she's inside one of [[w:snowglobe|those things]], you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I like to break those.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap she's holding?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
:'''Butt-head''': …tools?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey check out those guys!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like someone said, &quot;Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this chick would just quit whining.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

===[[David Byrne]], &quot;Angels&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing''] [[w:Pinball Wizard|Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do [[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|this song]] before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  But he has long hair now.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no.  That's not what I said.  [''imitates the Talking Heads song &quot;Once in a Lifetime&quot;''] And you may ask yourself!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you may spank yourself!
:'''Butt-head''': And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
:'''Beavis''': And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!  And you may ask her, &quot;Where's the bathroom at?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David Byrne''': I can barely touch my own self...
:'''Butt-head''': He can't ''touch'' himself?
:'''Beavis''': Um... th - that's not really very funny.  I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to ''me'', could it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:[''the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head'']
:'''Beavis''': H - h - hey, wait!  W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a chick, was it?
:'''Beavis''': I think it ''was'', Butt-head.  I think a saw a couple boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis!  It'll give you a good buzz.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==C==
===[[w:Camila Cabello|Camila Cabello]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Yet|Don't Go Yet]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with Camila getting greeted at the door by her family, kissing the side of her face without contacting her face]''
:'''Butt-head''': They missed.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing. 
:'''Butt-head''': They're never gonna score. 
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, ''I'd'' score with them. I would ''not'' miss.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': When is Thanksgiving?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that's right. 
:'''Butt-head''': Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I mean a ''lot'' of dudes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, ''hundreds'' of dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say &quot;Beavis's mom.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They're like, &quot;See? It's easy!&quot; Come on, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.  
:'''Butt-head''': Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. I stand corrected. 
:'''Beavis''': Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, &quot;Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.

===[[w:Cage the Elephant|Cage the Elephant]], &quot;[[w:In One Ear (song)|In One Ear]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, check it out!  An Indian!
:'''Beavis''': You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And the principal didn't know either!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you know what &quot;Cage the Elephant&quot; means?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything means that!   But uh, in this case, it does.
:[''laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That guy just caged his elephant!

===[[w:California Raisins|California Raisins]], &quot;Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this? This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': They look kinda like turds!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
:'''Beavis''': They'd say: &quot;''I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!''&quot; It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of camels are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
:'''Butt-head''': Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'd say: &quot;''Drown you fecal matter!''&quot;

===Camino, &quot;Burning Fire&quot;===
:'''Song Intro''': We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is this like, choir music?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called &quot;Burning ''Fffire''&quot;, so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know. 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure hope so. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a woman shows her husband a pregnancy test]''
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, &quot;Oh, you've got [[w:COVID-19|COVID]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, &quot;Let's go celebrate!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.
:'''Beavis''': Side effects may include a burning fffire!
:'''Butt-head''': Camino is not suitable for anybody.  Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[an older couple is shown on screen, upset at something]''
:'''Beavis''': See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, &quot;He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;We did our best, honey, and he's still singing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.

===[[w:Cannibal Corpse|Cannibal Corpse]], &quot;Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''immitating the singer's growl''] OAAAA!  DAAAAUUUUGH!  Yeah.  It's like, everybody sings like this now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head!  It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.  
:'''Butt-head''': You go to pep rallies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably.  But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

===[[w:Carcass (band)|Carcass]], &quot;Heartwork&quot;===
:[''the band members have long blonde hair'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh…why would they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
:'''Beavis''': So like, um, how would you take a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
:'''Beavis''': Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This buttmunch sounds like [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What a buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
:'''Butt-head''': He did?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees a man being crucified''] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [''screams''] &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

===[[w:Cardi B|Cardi B]], &quot;[[w:WAP (song)|WAP]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Ski''': Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She was like, &quot;Can I answer any questions about the property?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yes there are, there are several whores in this house.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cardi B''' Macaroni in a pot, that's so wet and gushy...
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, &quot;Damp Vagina&quot;, well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, &quot;Damp Vagina.&quot;  Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well I wish we had some whores in ''this'' house. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.

===Carnival Art, &quot;Mr. Blue Veins&quot;===
:[''video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, is he gonna vomit?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT!  VOMIT!  VOMIT, DAMMIT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': When he was six weeks...
:'''Butt-head''': Buttcheeks?
:'''Beavis''': WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?  Buttcheeks?
:'''Butt-head''': They didn't ''show'' buttcheeks, dumbass, he just ''said'' &quot;buttcheeks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': Mr. Blue Veins...
:'''Butt-head''': Mr. Blue Vein?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  I have a blue vein.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Hey, Butt-head.  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': UGHH!
:'''Beavis''': Come on, hey Butt-head!  Butt-head!  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

===[[w:Sabrina Carpenter|Sabrina Carpenter]], &quot;[[w:Skinny Dipping (song)|Skinny Dipping]]&quot;===
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Uh...
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ...say, &quot;How's your family? How's your sister?&quot; I'll say, &quot;Shannon's being Shannon.&quot; After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...
:'''Beavis''': Does she know that the video's started yet?
:'''Butt-head''': She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait a second... &quot;swimming on the edge of a cliff&quot;? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that? 
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ... We've been swimming...
:'''Beavis''': Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool.  Yeah I don't understand it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-
:'''Butt-head''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Uhh, anyway Beavis-
:'''Beavis''': Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...
:'''Butt-head''': She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say &quot;Well, how was your day?&quot; and then she'd be like &quot;Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...
:'''Beavis''': I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. ''[Butt-head looks incredibly agitated]'' One of those infinite pools or something, but-
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you. 
:'''Beavis''': Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is [[w: Montgomery Clift|Montgomery Clift]]. Now if he had a pool at his house- ''[Butt-head smacks Beavis]'' AHHH!

===[[Johnny Cash]], &quot;[[w:Delia Green|Delia's Gone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who is this dude?  He looks familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, [[w:Captain Kangaroo|Captain Kangaroo]]!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Captain ''what?''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Captain Kangaroo.  You know, [[w:Mr. Green Jeans|Mr. Green Jeans]] and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.  Yeah.  You know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black. 
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, yeah.  Plus he's old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': Kind of evil make me want to grab my [[w:submachine gun|submachine]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  This is pretty violent. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny Cash''': First time I shot her...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He shouldn't have shot that chick!  She's pretty hot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': I would've taken her off his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know what he should have done?  He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away.  And then, like, and then I could score.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I know.  That's why I was suggesting it.  Yeah.

===[[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy]], &quot;Lyin' To Myself&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is that Keith dude!  From the [[w:The Partridge Family|Family]].
:'''Beavis''': You mean [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Bonaduce]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  This is his big brother.  Keith.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Keith Bonaduce!  Bonaduce.  Bonaduce.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that was on [[w:Pay-per-view|Pay-per-view]], Beavis.  We don't get that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later.  It was cool.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, [[w:Geraldo (TV series)#Brawl|threw a chair at him and broke his nose]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
:'''Butt-head''': That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  And then like, [[w:Suzanne Crough|Tracy]] could kick him in the nads. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, [[w:Jeremy Gelbwaks|Chris]] could stick his drumstick up his butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': And then Geraldo would be saying, &quot;That's no fair, there's two Chris's!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating [[w:Michael Buffer|Michael Buffer]]''] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

===[[w:Chavez (band)|Chavez]], &quot;Break Up Your Band&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That dude looks kinda funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
:'''Beavis''': What is this, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is kinda cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
:'''Beavis''': We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, &quot;Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say &quot;Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?&quot; That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, this [[w:music video|video's]] cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no thanks!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're into lions, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
:'''Butt-head''': Everybody sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, everybody is stupid!

===[[Cheech &amp; Chong]]===
====&quot;Get Out of My Room&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech &amp; Chong?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Cheech &amp; Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  That was cool.  Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''sings in a deep voice''] &quot;I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And the guy keeps going, [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.  Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Yeah.  &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Uh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;Gonna see my gal, uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to do songs like that again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever happened to that album?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I broke it, remember?  I slammed it against the wall.  It like, shattered.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.

====&quot;I'm Not Home Right Now&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.  That's pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You think he has morning wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got a breakfast burrito. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates Mexican accent''] And a [[w:Chimichanga|chimichanga]]!  Chimichanga!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] is surrounded by five women on the beach'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head!  How did ''that'' dude get all those chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass.  His name is Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah, Cheech &amp; Schlong.  I forgot about that.  You know what?  Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===Chick, &quot;Malibu&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what this chick's name is? 
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to &quot;Dude&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or maybe you could change it to &quot;Dumbass&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's supposed to be like in high school or something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now. 
:'''Beavis''': Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

===[[w:Cinderella (band)|Cinderella]], &quot;Somebody Save Me&quot;===
:[''two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Beavis''': [''joining in''] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
:'''Butt-head''': Why is this dork here? [''mocking the lead singer's expression''] &quot;''Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is like: &quot;''Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's poodle hair!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: &quot;''Could you just, like, make it more poofy?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;''But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No wonder you're such a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: &quot;''All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes are like: &quot;''Look at me, I'm kicking!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;''Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
:'''[[w:Tom Keifer|Tom Keifer]]''': So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
:'''Butt-head''': [''mockingly''] &quot;''So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh.''&quot;
:[''the two girls return and run towards the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh.
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh.
:'''Beavis''': Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [''mock laughter'']

===[[w:Circle Jerks|Circle Jerks]], &quot;I Wanna Destroy You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These guys are in a trash truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Somebody probably threw 'em away.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think it's the [[w:Village People|Village People]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps saying &quot;I wanna destroy you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?  Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't know, Butt-head.  I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  I could come up with stuff like this.
:'''Beavis''': Okay.  Let's see you write a song.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay. Uh, let's see.  Uh...I wanna hit you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I wanna ''kick'' you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, and then I want some nachos.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Baby.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That's pretty good, Butt-head!  We should start a band!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.

===[[w:CIV|CIV]], &quot;Can't Wait One Minute More&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Alright, [[w:Montel Williams|Montel Williams]]! Maybe they'll have some whores.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or some sluts!
:'''Beavis''': Or a girlfight. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or some skank-hos!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': …yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, see you later Beavis. [''Gets up from couch and walks away'']
:'''Beavis''': Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, &quot;give it a chance?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay. [''sits back down''] At least it doesn't look like a video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, [[w:The Jerry Springer Show|The Jerry Springer Show]], Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, &quot;I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!&quot; [''makes drunken sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': It would be like, &quot;I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass.&quot; Next on Montel Williams.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

===[[w:The Clash|The Clash]], &quot;[[w:Should I Stay or Should I Go|Should I Stay or Should I Go]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think it's [[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like back before he had his [[Seinfeld|show]].  It's like, you know...[[w:Queen Latifah|Queen Latifah]] used to do videos, and now she has [[w:Living Single|a show]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I like the [[w:Newman (Seinfeld)|fat dude]] on Seinfeld.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think he replaced the drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that [[w:The Contest|episode]] where they were talking about [[masturbation|choking their chicken]]?
:'''Beavis''':  Oh yeah.  I thought they were talking about ''not'' choking their chicken.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  I liked that [[w:The Pick|episode]] where you can see [[w:Elaine Benes|Elaine]]'s boobs on the Christmas card.
:'''Beavis''':  Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah, you could see her boobs.  TV needs more of that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They need more stuff like that on TV.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  LOUD, LOUD!  Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
:'''Butt-head''': If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Do that, then.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Color Me Badd|Color Me Badd]], &quot;[[w:I Wanna Sex You Up|I Wanna Sex You Up]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  AAAH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGH!
:'''Beavis''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Butt-head''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that group with [[George Michael]], and [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G]], and [[w:Snow (musician)|Snow]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's a super-suck-group!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You think if ''I'' sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you ''look'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ...and you ''talk'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is irritating!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Comateens|Comateens]], &quot;The Late Mistake&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
:'''Butt-head''': Here we go again.
:'''Beavis''': This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Imitating lead singer''] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh God.
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is the problem with this crap?
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Sees a note that says Don't try to follow''] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''in time with the song''] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
:'''Butt-head''': If those were the words, it'd be cool!
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of writing a song called &quot;Damn it, Son of a bitch!&quot; And it's gonna go something like &quot;Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer hides herself in a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Two men are trying to open a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
:'''Beavis''': They're using [[w:Crowbar (US band)|Crowbar]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should get that [[w:Kirk Windstein|big fat dude]] from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

===[[w:Compulsion (band)|Compulsion]], &quot;Delivery&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…water! Wa-ter!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, there's some water. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of these [[w:music videos|videos]] where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [''Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation''] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no.
:'''Beavis''': So um…what's on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, let's see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [''The video comes back on''] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

===[[w:Coolio|Coolio]], &quot;[[w:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]&quot;===
:'''[[Michelle Pfeiffer]]''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You wanna tell me what this is all about?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. This is from [[w:Dangerous Minds (film)|that movie]] where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and it's like, you know, she &quot;makes a difference&quot; or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's really stupid. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
:'''Beavis''': Uh-huh.
:'''Butt-head''': …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, a while ago when Coolio said &quot;I see myself in the pistol smoke&quot;, he stole that from [[Snoop Dogg|Snoop Doggy Dogg]].

===[[Alice Cooper]], &quot;Lost in America&quot;===
:'''Alice Cooper''': I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really!
:'''Alice''': I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Me neither.
:'''Butt-head''': Me neither. 
:'''Alice''': I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Life sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alice''': I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
:'''Butt-head''': Preach on, brother Cooper.
:'''Beavis''': Mmhmm, I know that's right.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Mmmhmm, I heard that.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
:'''Butt-head''': He doesn't get cable?
:'''Beavis''': What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
:'''Beavis''': He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

===[[w:Corrosion of Conformity|Corrosion of Conformity]], &quot;Clean My Wounds&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
:'''Butt-head''': Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': All these [[w:music videos|videos]] nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, and they're all weird.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
:'''Butt-head''': Frank.
:'''Beavis''': Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

===[[w:Coverdale•Page|Coverdale•Page]], &quot;Pride and Joy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it's like, they always do that.  But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, [[w:David Coverdale|that dude]] has hips like a woman!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again.  [''chuckles''] I said &quot;put out.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves.  And just do the same stuff over and over.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;eat themselves.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Rep-''eat themselves''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, I thought this ''was'' the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no, Beavis!  This is, like, the ''making'' of the video.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  They should just, like, show the video because, like, ''this'' thing sucks!

===[[w:The Cramps|The Cramps]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bikini Girls with Machine Guns|Bikini Girls with Machine Guns]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that guy from [[Cheers]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that [[w:Sam Malone|Sam Malone]] guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has [[w:bikini|bikini]] girls and [[w:machine guns|machine guns]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If only all videos could be like this.

====&quot;[[w:Ultra Twist!|Ultra Twist!]]&quot;====
:'''Narrator''': And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is [[w:Tales From the Crypt|Tales From the Crypt]]! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
:'''Butt-head''': You're a prevert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [''imitating the Crypt Keeper''] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
:'''Beavis''': Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, [''imitating an old lady''] &quot;I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?&quot; [''coughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then you're like, &quot;Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
:'''Butt-head''': And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': &quot;Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

===[[w:Crowbar (American band)|Crowbar]]===
====&quot;All I Had (I Gave)&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [[w:Kirk Windstein|This dude]] looks like that assistant football coach.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many fat dudes are there in this band?
:'''Beavis''': Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's having trouble defecating.
:'''Kirk Windstein''': '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)'''''
:'''Beavis''': Uh, not anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He just took a dump!

====&quot;Existence Is Punishment&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's Crowbar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  They're always taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kirk Windstein''': I gave my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Kirk Windstein''': ...and soul to you!
:'''Butt-head''': He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is slow and fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get ''fat!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And then every now and then, you just go, &quot;I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then you just sit there and get fat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, a love song.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  It is [[w:It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)|a love song so divine]].  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown shouting in the crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': Did you see that guy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Must be his first concert.
:'''Beavis''': His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon. 
:'''Butt-head''': She said, &quot;Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!

===[[w:Julee Cruise|Julee Cruise]], &quot;Rockin' Back Inside My Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. Is this [[w:Eurythmics|The Eurythmics]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Julee is singing from an open trunk'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This reminds me of that part in ''[[Goodfellas]]'' where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
:'''Beavis''': Remember that one part where he goes &quot;What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!&quot; Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, then [[w:Ray Liotta|that guy]] wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
:'''Beavis''': That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You wussed out too.

===[[w:The Cult|The Cult]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fire Woman|Fire Woman]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cult rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, [[w:Videocassette recorder|CPRs]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Those things are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wish ''I'' was born with a tattoo.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em.  You get 'em when you join the [[Navy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  You could have &quot;I'm a wuss&quot; tattooed across your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lead singer [[w:Ian Astbury|Ian Astbury]] is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage'']
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna [[w:Vomiting|boot]] on someone!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna boot!

====&quot;Lil' Devil&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': This rocks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish I could rock like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They rock!  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground.  Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [''imitates the [[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]] riff''] &quot;Dun-dun-da-dun-dun!  Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Ian Astbury|He]]'s wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Culture Club|Culture Club]], &quot;[[w:Karma Chameleon|Karma Chameleon]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is a very gay tune.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You mean, like, happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy George''': I'm a man...
:'''Butt-head''': You're a man?  No way!
:'''Beavis''': He's not even a boy.
:'''Butt-head''': He's Boy George.  This video needs some, like, car accidents.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, with lots of [[fire]].  Then it would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is this supposed to be, like, in the [[future]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The future sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Cure|The Cure]], &quot;Caterpillar&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at [[w:Chuck E. Cheese's|Chuck E. Cheese's]]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! They sucked.
:'''Beavis''': I kept banging on the glass and saying &quot;STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come [[Robert Smith (musician)|this guy]] won't look at the camera?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! That pisses me off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
:'''Butt-head''': How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [''wails''] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His lipstick's on crooked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Wails in imitation again''] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
:'''Beavis''': If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

===[[w:Curve (band)|Curve]], &quot;Missing Link&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah.  A chick in the rain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And a dog.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess that's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Water, water, WATER!  WATER!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Toni Halliday|That chick]] needs a raincoat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Hey, Beavis.  Do you like, uh...have a [[w:Condom|raincoat]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...when was the last time you used it?
:'''Beavis''': Last night!  On your mom!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  [''he and Beavis start fighting'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey,  Butt-head. You know how like when it rains, like &lt;?&gt; on the street and like, all of those worms come out and you step on them and they go pizzzhhhfff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Mud is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Mud rules. How come these guys are like playing out in the mud?
:'''Butt-head''': Err... Well, it's either because they're really stupid or really cool.

==D==
===[[w:Michael Damian|Michael Damian]], &quot;[[w:Rock On (David Essex song)|Rock On]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this a commercial for?
:'''Beavis''': This is that deodorant commercial.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's 'cause this guy stinks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And he sucks, too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this dude on some soap opera?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's on &quot;As the World Sucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video should have a warning label.  &quot;Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!  Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danger Danger|Danger Danger]], &quot;Naughty Naughty&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit!  If this is [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]], I'm gonna-- [''the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off''] Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Her back's all bent out of shape!  What's wrong?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.  You butthole.  When you see a chick in a window like that...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head.  I think she was, like, injured.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, whatever it was, it gave ''me'' a stiffy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, &quot;Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?&quot;  And then I hung up!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
:'''Beavis''': It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danzig|Danzig]]===
====&quot;Cantspeak&quot;====
:[''round, steel balls are shown dropping'']
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Plop&quot;. &quot;Plop&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
:'''Beavis''': I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, &quot;The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!&quot; In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they will go &quot;plop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that &quot;pearl formula weight gain&quot; powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out his eyes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. [''starts smacking Beavis repeatedly'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just ''stops''! Like, just, out of nowhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-[''the video ends'']

====&quot;How the Gods Kill&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes less intense'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, man!  This part sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': For such a [[w:Glenn Danzig|big, muscular dude]], he sure sings like a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!  Rock, dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes more intense'']
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time they stopped being wimpy!

====&quot;Mother&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

====&quot;Mother '93&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude could, like, bench press 140.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Danzig shakes around while singing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
:'''Beavis''': I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
:'''Beavis''': Uh, Geraldo?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

===[[w:Terence Trent D'Arby|Terence Trent D'Arby]], &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that [[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''sees Terence Trent D'Arby''] That's not Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Terence Trent D'Arby''': But she kissed me, and she put it there.
:'''Butt-head''': She kissed him ''where?''
:'''Beavis''': Down there.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Liar.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]]===
====&quot;Punk Rock Girl&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  It's not so bad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Something's wrong with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they're not trying very hard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And they're making lots of mistakes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I bet I could take [[w:Joe Genaro|this guy]] in a fight.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I could kick his butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  I could kick [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]]'s ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A ''real'' punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  She'd spit out his brains!  Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Smokin' Banana Peels&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Hippies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Does this suck?
:'''Butt-head''': Beats me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What are they doing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is college music.
:'''Butt-head''': This is musical masturbation.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do ''you'' listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
:'''Beavis''': I like to put on &quot;Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a monkey is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Dogs are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  This sucks, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Death (band)|Death]], &quot;The Philosopher&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! Is this a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a small boy running'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's [[w:Jeremy (song)#Music video|Jeremy]].
:'''Beavis''': He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking the singer''] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''screaming''] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

===[[w:De La Soul|De La Soul]], &quot;Ego Trippin'&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''':AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Screaming rules. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'll do some more. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:''''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

:'''[[w:Kelvin Mercer|Pos]]''': Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
:'''Beavis''': Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry man. Phenomenon, Phenomenon. Phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

:'''Butt-head''': Is that girl like in the band?
:'''Beavis''': Umm. I don't know. It's like she's hanging out with the boys but it's like, you know, she's there just to catch a... Whoa, look at that butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God! Ah! 
:'''Butt-head''': that was quite a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. That's something, right there. 
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, we should get one of those big tubs and like... and then we could like, have some chicks over, you know, and then like they could be in bikinis... Whoa! Look they're beating up a white guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Err... I think he just tripped. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:deadmau5|deadmau5]] feat. [[w:Rob Swire|Rob Swire]], &quot;[[w:Ghosts 'n' Stuff|Ghosts 'n' Stuff]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that deadmau5?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He looks like [[Eminem]] without his mouse helmet.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Was it Stewart?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know [[Daria]] killed herself, I remember that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just [[Daria#Esteemsters_.5B1.01.5D|moved away]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this. 
:'''Beavis''': See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': He's a smart guy, that Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

===[[w:Deconstruction (band)|Deconstruction]], &quot;L.A. Song&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be damned, it's [[w:Dave Navarro|Dave Navarro]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in [[w:Jane's Addiction|another band]], but then he quit, and now he's in the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Chili Peppers]] or something.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': I saw it on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]]. [''imitates the theme music''] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dork, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear it from [[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Scrotur]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, from [[w:Tabitha Soren|Tabitha Sore-End]]. Get it? Sore end?
:'''Butt-head''': I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [''Scoffs''] You know the MTV News theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and [[W:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony]] is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, &quot;Screw this&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear that on MTV News? [''imitating MTV News theme music''] Do-do-do-do-do!

===[[w:Rick Dees|Rick Dees]], &quot;Get Nekked&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''about a man in the background with a bathrobe on''] Look at that guy back there.  [''man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by''] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
:'''Beavis''': Where was the butt?
:'''Butt-head''': It was right next to her legs.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Dammit, I always do that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him''] He has a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, o-oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well.  This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, this sucks!  Look at that.  That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner?  It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic.  Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, no.  I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying.  I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna have about ''four'' buttholes if you don't shut up.
:'''Beavis''': It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head!  Dumbass!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Def Leppard|Def Leppard]], &quot;[[w:Animal (Def Leppard song)|Animal]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Circuses suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Where's the dude with two butts?
:'''Beavis''': Right here next to me.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't make me smack you again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung.  And it, like, really sucks.  So this dude says, &quot;Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?&quot;  And the guy says, &quot;'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty funny!  That was a good one!
:'''Butt-head''': It's all in how you tell it, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Spın̈al Tap]] really sucks lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They have all new guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pull my finger, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Del Amitri|Del Amitri]], &quot;Roll To Me&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna do every single girl in this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
:'''Beavis''': Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, &quot;[[w:Been Caught Stealing|Been Caught Stealing]]&quot;, and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Uh, let me think…&quot;[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]&quot;…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.

===[[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]] with [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], &quot;Real American&quot;===
:'''Rick Derringer''': I am a real American...
:'''Butt-head''': He's a real American.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He ''fights'' for what is right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': He ''fights!''  He ''fights!''
:'''Butt-head''': He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, those are [[w:Suppository|depositories]].  These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your [[w:Testicle|nads]] shrink.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  What's the point?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.  It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[w:Deus (band)|Deus]], &quot;Suds and Soda&quot;===
:[''a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song'']
:'''Beavis''': Is that the smoke alarm?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. This is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is weird.
:'''Beavis''': I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [''coughs''] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah, sort of.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're always like, [''imitates Beavis''] &quot;Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I don't sound like that! [''coughs''] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [''imitates Beavis'']  &quot;Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[''incoherent gibberish'']&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [''coughs''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy patting his stomach for?
:'''Beavis''': Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, &quot;As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [''mockingly''] &quot;Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [''incoherent gibberish'']…&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying &quot;Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Fried…[''coughs'']…fried egg, fried, [''coughs''] fried egg…

===[[Devo]], &quot;[[w:Whip It|Whip It]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that [[Ross Perot]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitating Ross Perot''] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [''starts going out of time with the song''] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[''realizes he is singing out of time'']…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out those hats.
:'''Beavis''': Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

===The Didjits, &quot;Judge the Hot Fudge&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, dumbass.  Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy fries butt nuggets.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's a butt nugget?
:'''Butt-head''': Here, I'll show you.  [''is shown grunting'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!  No thanks, Butt-head.  I - I'm not that hungry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's the deal with these guys?  It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Oh yeah.  They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This isn't, like, a real video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Well, that's good, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I ''am'' getting kinda hungry.  Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Here you go!  [''grunts''] Regular or cool ranch?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Butt nuggets.

===Die Cheerleader, &quot;Pigskin Parade&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, people on a couch!  Is this &quot;[[w:Friends|Friends]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no, it's a video.  It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that show &quot;Friends&quot; is stupid!  It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, [[w:Courteney Cox|that one chick]] is way too skinny.  And her face looks like a scarecrow!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
:'''Beavis''': What did you call me?
:'''Butt-head''': I called you &quot;King Turd.&quot;  'Cause that's what you are.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

===[[w:Digital Underground|Digital Underground]], &quot;[[w:The Humpty Dance|The Humpty Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Humpty kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Humpty rules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': My name is Humpty, pronounced with a &quot;umpty&quot;...
:'''Beavis:''' The name is Humpty, pronounced with an &quot;umpty.&quot;
:'''Humpty Hump''': ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
:'''Butt-head''': Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose.  He got in some accident.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  That's just a plastic nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  That's because he had plastic surgery!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [''he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Dink (band)|Dink]], &quot;Green Mind&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out that tornado!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a tornado, that's that [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Tasmanian Devil]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] upside the head with a shovel?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like the one where they grab [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]] by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

===[[w:Dinosaur Jr.|Dinosaur Jr.]]===
====&quot;Feel the Pain&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
:'''Butt-head''': We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
:'''Butt-head''': You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
:'''Beavis''': That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
:'''Butt-head''': [''raises voice to normal volume''] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
:'''Butt-head''': You're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': See, Beavis, you can't do it. [''quiet voice''] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

====&quot;I Don't Think So&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
:'''Beavis''': Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': I know. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…is this [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…[[w:Grover|Grover]].
:'''Butt-head''': You probably watch Sesame Street.
:'''Beavis''': No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know [[w:Count Von Count|the guy]] that comes out, and he goes &quot;Twelve chocolate cakes&quot;, and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
:'''Beavis''': Those are some big boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
:'''Beavis''': I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]'s kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': That fat pig?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

===[[Dire Straits]], &quot;Walk of Life&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': CROTCH STUFFING!
:'''Beavis''': Let's try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe we would get some.
:'''Beavis''': Some what?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude.
:'''Beavis''': Nice organ lick.
:'''Butt-head''': Organ lick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are hippies.
:'''Beavis''': I hate hippies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are like sports bleepers.
:'''Beavis''': Sports suck!
:'''Butt-head''': This is like circus music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!

===[[w:Cale Dodds|Cale Dodds]], &quot;I Like Where This is Going&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Seth McFarlane|the guy]] who does ''[[Family Guy]]''. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I was nothing like you. You're a loser.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's grooming him. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. ''[cackles]'' They told us about these kinds of guys in health class. 
:'''Beavis''': All the warning signs were there. 
:'''Butt-head''': They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware. 
:'''Beavis''': They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free. 
:'''Butt-head''': Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe I should try that. 
:'''Butt-head''': As soon as the director says &quot;cut&quot;, that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
:'''Beavis''': And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey. 
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a country song.

===[[w:Dog Eat Dog (band)|Dog Eat Dog]], &quot;No Fronts&quot;===
:[''video opens with people snowboarding'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[w:Aspen Extreme|Aspen Extreme]]''.
:'''Beavis''': That movie ''sucked!''  I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick ''never got naked!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  How could she not get naked when they say &quot;ass&quot; right in the title?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.  I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
:'''Beavis''': It's the only place they're safe!  They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  No chicks, no butts.
:'''Beavis''': ''&quot;Get me some marshmallows, biatch!&quot;''  Change the channel, Butt-head.  I've had enough of this.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I think it's over, though.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, good it's over.  [''the song doesn't end''] No, no.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ''now'' it's over.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Okay, now it's over.  Ahhhhhhhh!  [''the song continues''] Oh, no!  Dammit!  Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of buttmunches!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Doug E. Fresh|Doug E. Fresh]], &quot;I-ight (Alright)&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  I-ight!  I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown bouncing her breasts'']
:'''Beavis''': Thingies!  Thingies!
:'''Butt-head''': Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They show, like, bouncing boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Boobs!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Isn't &quot;I-ight&quot; what that dude [[w:Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)|Gilligan]] says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's like, &quot;I-ight, [[w:The Skipper|Skipper]]!  Here are those coconuts!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or like, &quot;I-ight!  I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That Skipper dude is a bunghole.  [''imitating the Skipper''] &quot;Uhhhhh, Gilligan!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should go, like, &quot;I quit, fat dude.  You can get your own damn coconuts.  I-ight!  I-ight!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is he spitting?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doug E. Fresh''': To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
:'''Beavis''': What about me?  Yeah.  What about me?  To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!

===[[w:Dr. Dre|Dr. Dre]], &quot;[[w:Keep Their Heads Ringin'|Keep Their Heads Ringin']]&quot;===
:'''Dr. Dre''': Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
:'''Butt-head''': Because your mom's white, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
:'''Beavis''': Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says &quot;So, where did you get this plane?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd be like &quot;Well, I got it from the airport.&quot; Cause they have a store there.
:'''Beavis''': Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': What did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I said &quot;Shut up&quot;. I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Ronnie Dunn|Ronnie Dunn]], &quot;[[w:Let the Cowboy Rock|Let the Cowboy Rock]]&quot;===
:'''Smart Beavis''': Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as &quot;[[w:Cost of Livin'|Cost of Livin']]&quot;, and &quot;[[w:Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing|Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing]].&quot;
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Very stupid. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I don't know why, but this music is making me love America. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': This video also makes me want to worship the man they call [[w:Jesus|Jesus]].
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes, indeed yes. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Beavis''': I wish there was more footage of the females in this video. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.  
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Quite humerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, and your mother is quite honorable. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': ... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. ''[a horseback rider is seen]'' Is this the cowboy's wife?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Humor detected.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, humorous. Quite humorous. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.

===Josie Dunne, &quot;Good Boys&quot;===
:''[as a group of firemen are shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh God... firemen, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like &quot;Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!&quot; But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess. 
:'''Butt-head''': Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose. 
:'''Beavis''': No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's ''water''! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them ''water''men! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them &quot;son of a bitches.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You thought firemen start fires?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the ''fire''man, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.

===[[w:The Dylans|The Dylans]], &quot;Grudge&quot;===
:[''video opens with a [[w:Boombox|boombox]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, maybe they'll break it.  Yeah.  [''a sledgehammer smashes the boombox''] Ooooh!  Yeah!  [''a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase''] Ahhh...uh huh.  W - what?  What's going on?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''honey is being poured on fruit''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're putting honey on grapes?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.  Yeah.  Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you did it wrong.  The guy in the movie was, like, ''feet'' first.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped.  It was cool.

==E==
===[[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]], &quot;[[w:Sugar Walls|Sugar Walls]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Who is this chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.  She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in [[w:K-Mart|K-Mart]].
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She did [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Well, at least that's ''something.''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Like, move down and show her butt or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  This chick is pretty dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And she's probably a slut, too.
:'''Beavis''': Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
:'''Butt-head''': Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's one thing I like about him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has a vision.
:'''Beavis''': Me too.  Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me!  Yeah.  It's gonna be cool.

===[[w:Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes|Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes]], &quot;Kisses Over Babylon&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that [[w:Jesus Christ|Christ]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously.  Come on.  You know better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah.  It's Spanish.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It is a miracle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that Christ is something else.  I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''as prisoners try to escape prison''] Wow, they really hate this song.
:'''Butt-head''': These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

===[[w:Elastica|Elastica]], &quot;[[w:Connection (song)|Connection]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, a chick band!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several naked men are sitting around the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at all these naked dudes!  They're just, like, sitting there!  What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
:'''Beavis''': Look, a buttcheek!  A schlong!  A nad!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are just hands, Beavis.  That's not his nads, his nutsack, ''or'' his buttcheeks.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.  You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people.  They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING!  IT MAKES ME MAD!  This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, yeah!  But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be ''me'', see?  And I'd be naked!  That would rule!  Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe they're looking at their boobs.  Did you ever think of that?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks must be pretty cool.  They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes!  That rules!  I mean, you know, for a chick.  You know.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a pretty good idea.  You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

===[[w:Carmen Electra|Carmen Electra]], &quot;Everybody Get On Up&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I'm al''ready'' &quot;[[w:erection|up]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this a [[advertisement|commercial]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's a commercial for [[w:MTV|MTV's]] ''[[w:House of Style|House of Butts]]''.
:'''Beavis''': She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's high noon on ''my'' sundial.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She said &quot;[[w:ejaculate|cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go [[w:masturbate|spank my monkey]].

===[[w:Electric Sun|Electric Sun]], &quot;The Night The Master Comes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, &quot;sucks&quot; isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.

===[[w:Eleven (band)|Eleven]], &quot;Reach Out&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[Boy George]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's all fat now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He's a turd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he's [[w:bisexuality|bisexual]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
:'''Beavis''': So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
:'''Beavis''': And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
:'''Butt-head''': You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

===[[w:En Vogue|En Vogue]] with [[w:Salt-n-Pepa|Salt-n-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Whatta Man|Whatta Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are horny!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  I've seen this video about a million times!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, me too!  I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off!  I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something.  She ''never does!''
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's the same video!  If she doesn't get naked the ''first'' time you see it, she's ''never'' gonna get naked.
:'''Beavis''': How do ''you'' know, Butt-head?  You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something.  Here it comes.  See?  Stand up, stand up!  STAND UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  She's not gonna be naked!  It's the same video every time!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  You don't know that.  I th - I think she's gonna be naked.  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Maybe she'll do it ''this'' time!  Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Show it!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's got that stuff in her hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That stuff's called [[w:Jheri curl|jelly curl]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''': Hey!  Don't call me that, Butt-head!  I'm serious!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dillhole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  That's better.

===[[w:Entombed (band)|Entombed]], &quot;Wolverine Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, you snooze, you lose. [''leaves the room'']
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…''[turns around and sees Butt-head has left''] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [''gets up'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling from bathroom''] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [''Beavis sits down'']
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…''[calls out''] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, just a few more minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Guess I'll go take a leak. [''leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
:'''Beavis''': WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Butt-head''': I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
:'''Beavis''': YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''': DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

===[[w:Enuff Z'nuff|Enuff Z'nuff]], &quot;Fly High Michelle&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Have a nice day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She looks like that [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]] chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These chicks aren't as cool as the [[w:Cycle Sluts from Hell|Cycle Sluts]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And [[w:L7 (band)|L7]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They kick ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are you sure these are chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': They better be.  They're giving me a woodrow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.

===[[w:Maggie Estep|Maggie Estep]], &quot;Hey Baby&quot;===
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
:'''Butt-head''': This chick doesn't sing very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
:'''Maggie Estep''': [''Begins talking''] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
:'''Beavis''': Okay. That's better.
:'''Butt-head''': Is she like, telling a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maggie Estep''': I get all tense and nervous…
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but I keep walking…
:'''Beavis''': Ah! Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [''A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good joke.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
:'''Beavis''': I heard that.
:'''Butt-head''': …and then she just came up and got in his face!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': And she &lt;!-- Not quite sure what he said --&gt;just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

===[[w:Ethyl Meatplow|Ethyl Meatplow]], &quot;Devil's Johnson&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Scummy people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Scummy people are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': ''Slimy'' people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Slimy people rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you hear that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;devil's johnson&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he just said it!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, he must've said &quot;[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': He said it again!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  YEAH!  I heard it!  He keeps saying it again!
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he said it again!  He keeps saying it again and again!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's saying &quot;[[w:Magic Johnson|Magic Johnson]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I got a magic johnson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Beavis' magic johnson.  It disappears into his hand.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:The Europeans (band)|The Europeans]], &quot;We Are Animals&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh my God.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, dear Lord!
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': AAAH! Good God Almighty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
:'''Butt-head''': Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
:'''Beavis''': Two…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…four?
:'''Beavis''': Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
:'''Beavis''': Um…thirteen. [''Resumes counting''] Uh…fifteen…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees two men fighting''] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': [''yelling''] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
:'''Beavis''': Um…what?
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno.

===[[w:Eve's Plum|Eve's Plum]], &quot;Blue&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': WATER, WATER!  Yeah, yeah!  WATER, WATER!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I - I don't know, water's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This seems pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Ooohh, baby! ''Ye-eah!''
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Vitamin C (singer)|This chick]] is hot!
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
:'''Beavis''': If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, ''&quot;Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!&quot;''
:'''[[w:Vitamin C (singer)|Colleen Fitzpatrick]]''': ...heading my direction...
:'''Beavis''': WHOA!  Whoa, did she say &quot;erection&quot;?!
:'''Butt-head''': I hope so!
:'''Beavis''': I'll say.  ''Errrection!''
:'''Butt-head''': I don't care if ''you'' say it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well - well, I think she said it.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
:'''Beavis''': Well, her ''face'' is naked.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  ''Every'' girl's face is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body.  Yeah.  I'd settle for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  I bet chicks would go for that!
:'''Beavis''': Ass naked rules.

===[[w:Extreme (band)|Extreme]], &quot;Hole-Hearted&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright!
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…''[hums the melody'']  Yeah, this is really cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [''laughs''] Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You really like this crap.
:'''Beavis''': No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

==F==
===[[w:The Fabulous Thunderbirds|The Fabulous Thunderbirds]], &quot;Wrap It Up&quot;===
:[''video opens with several women in bikinis'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Whoa!  WHOA!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS AND BUTTS!  Whoa, whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at ''her!''  Whoa, look at that!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  If [[w:Kim Wilson|''this'' dude]] here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we need to start a band.  Today.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Whoa, look at ''her!''
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, right now.  While we're sitting here on our butts...
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS!
:'''Butt-head''': ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it.  Let's do it!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Just as soon as this video's over.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh.  Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Like, in our band...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but we'll have cooler cars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up.  And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em.  Ye-eah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That'll be cool.

===[[w:Donald Fagen|Donald Fagen]], &quot;Snowbound&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmmmmmmm…….

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, just cool out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
:[''They begin to fall asleep'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''slaps Beavis''] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
:'''Beavis''': Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

===[[w:Faith No More|Faith No More]]===
====&quot;Diggin' the Grave&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
:'''Butt-head''': No, and I don't care, either.
:'''Beavis''': This is Faith No More.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sarcastic''] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
:'''Butt-head''': They just look and sound like everything else.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, it kinda rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna lay down. Move over!
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, get up!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
:'''Beavis''': I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
:'''Beavis''': No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': You should check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Is it still there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me go have a look. [''exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.'']

====&quot;[[w:Easy (Commodores song)#Faith No More cover|Easy]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]]''': I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to a man dressed in women's clothing''] That chick's pretty hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ooooaaah. 
:'''Butt-head''': They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
:[''The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': I'm easy like Sunday morning…
:'''Butt-head''': What's so great about Sunday morning?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
:'''Beavis''': You know what really sucks is evening.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Every single day sucks.

====&quot;[[w:Epic (Faith No More song)|Epic]]&quot;====
:[''a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning'']
:'''Butt-head''': I wish ''I'' had an eye in my hand.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;reach around.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I love the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''singer [[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]] is seen wearing a shirt that says &quot;MR. BUNGLE&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Whoa!  Did you see that?  His shirt said &quot;Mr. Bunghole&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what is it?
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': What is it?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''rain is pouring down on the band'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rain sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this video had, like, some explosions.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': It ''does'' have some explosions.
:'''Butt-head''': Fairies grant wishes!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, asswipe!
:[''video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes'']

===[[w:Fatima Mansions|Fatima Mansions]], &quot;The Loyaliser&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [''picks up a magazine'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
:'''Beavis''': Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from [[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no. Just this one.
:'''Butt-head''': Can I read it when you're done?
:'''Beavis''': No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd you get that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

===[[w:Filter (band)|Filter]], &quot;[[w:Hey Man, Nice Shot|Hey Man, Nice Shot]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those [[w:music videos|videos]] where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
:'''Butt-head''': You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Art sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colors…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's all, uhh…[''the pair fall asleep'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
:'''Butt-head''': It still has all this blurry crap.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is a [[w:Buzz Bin|buzz clip]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[''the pair resume sleeping'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the video ends'']
:'''Beavis''': [''yells''] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''disorientated''] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

===[[w:The Flaming Lips|The Flaming Lips]]===
====&quot;[[w:She Don't Use Jelly|She Don't Use Jelly]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Wayne Coyne|Wayne Coyne]]''': She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
:'''Beavis''': He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can make toast. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Fields suck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''sings off-key''] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

====&quot;Turn It On&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, why?
:'''Beavis''': Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, &quot;So, I bet that underwear was on your butt.&quot; You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say &quot;So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say &quot;Since you're already doing a load…&quot;, heh, load…&quot;Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?&quot; And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
:'''Butt-head''': And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
:'''Beavis''': I'm ready for love.

===[[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], &quot;Old Man Down the Road&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, that looks like [[w:Jungle Cruise|that Jungle Ride]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That's so stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what another cool ride to jump off of is?  Is the, uh, [[w:The Haunted Mansion|the Haunted House]].  I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car.  And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter.  I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um...n - uh...oh.  Um, no.

===[[Foo Fighters]], &quot;[[w:I'll Stick Around|I'll Stick Around]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's [[Dave Grohl|that dude]] from [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvarna]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think [[Kurt Cobain|that dude]]'s with us anymore.  You shouldn't say that.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um, I've never seen [[w:William Goldsmith|that drummer]] before in my life!  That's not him.
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Oh yeah, you're right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know?  They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?  Do you, like, [[w:Homosexuality|swing on that side]] now?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, do I swing?  No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old.  Um...I don't even think we ''have'' a swingset anymore.  What are you talking about?
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh, never mind, Beavis.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like &quot;I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!&quot; That would rule!

===[[w:Lita Ford|Lita Ford]] with [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], &quot;Close My Eyes Forever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah!  Uh...why is he whining?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...boy.  This isn't very good.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head?  I think this is the [[w:Indigo Girls|Indigo Girls]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Monster face and wuss music do not go together.  It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah.  Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': [''starts laughing''] I'm being ''what'', Ozzy?
:'''Beavis''': ''Hard'' on Ozzy.  [''gets why Butt-head is laughing''] Oh yeah.

===[[w:Samantha Fox|Samantha Fox]], &quot;[[w:Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)|Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's one of those grubby girls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She wants me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samantha Fox''': Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She just had sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't they show that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She said she just had sex.
:'''Butt-head''': It wasn't with any of ''those'' guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And like, if the music was cool, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And not those guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Then it would rule!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie Goes to Hollywood]], &quot;[[w:Two Tribes|Two Tribes]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': What is ''this?''
:'''Butt-head''': This is crap.  Art sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, that's [[Konstantin Chernenko|that guy from that country in the news]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs more blood.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ronald Reagan|the President]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like the ending of that ''[[w:Rocky IV|Rocky 4]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': No way, asswipe!  That doesn't look like [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dude!  You're thinking of ''[[w:Rocky III|Rocky 3]]''.
:'''Beavis''': No, Mr. T was in ''Rocky 4''!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  ''Rocky 4'' was where he kicked ass on [[w:Ivan Drago|that dude]] from [[w:Soviet Union|that country]].
:'''Beavis''': No, dude, that was ''[[w:Rocky II|Rocky 2]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes?  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was, uhh, ''Rocky 6''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  ''Rocky 6'' was the best one.
:'''Beavis''': Have you seen that movie ''[[w:Rocky V|Rocky V]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not as cool as ''Rocky 5'', though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is, &quot;Change it.&quot;

==G==
===[[w:Georgia Satellites|Georgia Satellites]], &quot;Keep Your Hands to Yourself&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys ''rule''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [''imitating lead singer Dan Baird''] Got no loving, no kissing!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That lead singer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He's cool.  He looks like my cousin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Which one?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you know.  [[w:Dickhead|Richard Head]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy's teeth are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It runs in the family.  We all have cool teeth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He's cool.

===[[w:Gerardo Mejía|Gerardo]], &quot;[[w:Rico Suave (song)|Rico Suave]]&quot;===
:[''both imitate Gerardo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rrrico!  Suave!
:'''Beavis''': Rrrrrico!  Suave!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a tight dress is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
:'''Butt-head''': Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [''speaks Spanish gibberish'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Guacamole!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a [[w:Gigolo|gigolo]].
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What's a gigolo?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Change it.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]], &quot;[[w:Out of the Blue (Debbie Gibson song)|Out of the Blue]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]] sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Olivia Neuter-John.  That's that [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|rich chick]] from ''[[Beverly Hills, 90210|90...2...uh, 6, 1]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  [[w:List of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters#Donna Martin|Donna]].
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Donna!  Donna's the [[w:Slut|slut]].  This is [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|Kelly]].
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude!  Donna's not a slut.  She's the virgin, ''Kelly's'' the slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Does she look like a slut to ''you'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's why it's Donna!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That must be Kelly.

===[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]], &quot;Play Dirty&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[Alice Cooper]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Hm.
:'''Butt-head''': This is an all-chick band.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That chick can punch!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's a chick!  It's one of those...one of those girl boxers.  That's cool, they can kick ass.  They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You said it's an all-girl band.  It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer.  [''the boxer is punched to the ground''] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
:'''Beavis''': I know that, Butt-head!  I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting.  Like, clip-on nads?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.  And you're stupid, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': And chicks don't like you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Some chicks like me.

===[[w:The Go-Go's|The Go-Go's]], &quot;The Whole World Lost It's Head&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road''] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [''shows feet again''] AAH! There it is again! 
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like &quot;Ow!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [''Sees feet again''] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees feet again''] FEET! FEET! OW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
:'''Butt-head''': You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay, I can wait. [''sings along''] Has the whole world lost its head…''[Sees feet again''] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

===[[w:Godspeed (band)|Godspeed]], &quot;Houston St.&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really, it's like [''imitates static''] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
:'''Beavis''': That's a 10-4, good buddy. [''speaks incomprehensible gibberish''] Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, &quot;Settle down, dammit!&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, &quot;If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like [[Al Pacino|that dude]] from, uhhh, from that movie, [[w:Scent of a Woman|Smell of a Woman]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he's like, &quot;Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!&quot; He's a good actor.

===[[w:Golden Earring|Golden Earring]], &quot;[[w:Twilight Zone (Golden Earring song)|Twilight Zone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Interrogation is cool.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know you knew any big words.
:'''Butt-head''': I do when the words are cool.  Like &quot;diarrhea.&quot;  And &quot;[[w:Asphyxia|assphyxiation]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And &quot;[[w:Seminiferous tubule|seminefrious tubules]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Goo Goo Dolls|Goo Goo Dolls]], &quot;Only One&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
:'''Beavis''': Well, let me think.  I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some [[w:Cheez Whiz|Cheez Whiz]] to put on the crackers.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
:'''Butt-head''': I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a [[w:Ménage à trois|massage-a-thra]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Dammit!

===[[w:The Goops|The Goops]], &quot;Booze Cabana&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Or [[w:Todd Rundgren|Todd Rundgren]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Todd Rundgren.
:'''Butt-head''': Who the hell is he, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. And you don't either.
:'''Beavis''': Um…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…he's drinking.
:'''Beavis''': I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that street where [[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] wanted to have her baby.
:'''Beavis''': So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman grows to an enormous size'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out!
:'''Beavis''': She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
:'''Beavis''': No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are &quot;they?&quot; And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.

===[[w:Ariana Grande|Ariana Grande]], &quot;[[w:34+35|34+35]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is that video where Ariana Grande had a lab, and she was gonna cure cancer, but  then she was just like, &quot;Nah, let's just make a bunch of slut robots.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah, she's creating a Franken-slut. Yeah yeah! ''[the female robot comes to life]'' &quot;It's alive! It's alive! It's a slut!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Presenting the Slut-bot 3000, the cutting edge in slut technology. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head, it seems like all that metal would like cut up your schlong, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's why you'd need like a special metal robo-schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that would be cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna get it on with the [[w:Tin Woodman|Tin Man]] from ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, he's got an iron schlong. Yes. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'll be like, &quot;Well, I guess I don't need a heart anymore.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;[[w:If I Only Had a Brain|If I only had a schlong...]]&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Tin Woodsman. ''[cackles]''

===[[w:Amy Grant|Amy Grant]], &quot;[[w:Baby Baby (Amy Grant song)|Baby Baby]]&quot;===
:[''the two laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at ''this!''  What a bunch of crap!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this a [[w:Clearasil|Clearasil]] commercial?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.

===[[w:Grant Lee Buffalo|Grant Lee Buffalo]], &quot;Mockingbirds&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this another video with big [[w:The Muppets|Muppets]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]? He never poops.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [''imitates dive-bomber''] &quot;Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go &quot;Poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': And run over there and go &quot;Poop!&quot; A little &quot;Poop!&quot; over there.
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough.
:'''Beavis''': It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

===[[w:The Grays (band)|The Grays]], &quot;Very Best Years&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
:'''Beavis''': Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, how do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [''the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking''] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what…what is this??
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates an arpeggio in the song''] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like that [[w:easy listening|easy listening]] stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
:'''Beavis''': I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said ''maybe'' it would start rocking!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the chorus starts again'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''[sings in imitation again''] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys are like a cross between [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and my nads…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], and…
:'''Beavis''': And my butt…
:'''Butt-head''': [[Billy Joel]], and like, uhh…
:'''Beavis''': And some turds…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Eddie Rabbitt|Eddie Rabbitt]]…

===[[Green Day]]===
====&quot;[[w:Basket Case (song)|Basket Case]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like that movie, [[w:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, where they got [[w:Danny DeVito|those guys]] from [[w:Taxi (TV series)|Taxi]], only they're retarded.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that [[w:Chief Bromden|big Indian dude]] in that movie? 
:'''Butt-head''': Mm-hm.
:'''Beavis''': He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes &quot;Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken&quot;. And then the doctor says &quot;Then why don't you choke her?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates chicken''] Bawk-ba-bawk!

====&quot;[[w:Longview (song)|Longview]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's watching TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
:'''Beavis''': Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Well, well…okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
:'''Butt-head''': See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … yeah. 
:[''[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that! 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT! 
:'''Butt-head''': Break it!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': GET IN THERE
:'''Butt-head''': Kick it! Kick the couch!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't stop!
:'''Beavis''': Don't stop, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Quitters never win!

===[[w:Greta (band)|Greta]]===
====&quot;Fathom&quot;====
:[''various images flash rapidly on the screen'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this [[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death 3]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! '''BUT''' '''''MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
:'''Butt-head''': That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members jumps around and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy fell over.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;You stand up straight, play your guitar, and '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!'''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''images of explosions and car crashes are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool! Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Uh, laundry! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Is It What You Wanted&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey, who is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''laughing''] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes &quot;Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': It's like, it acts as a shield.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
:[''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh [''coughs''].
:'''Beavis''': You don't have any &quot;nad protection&quot;! Yeah, that was cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''coughing''] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy….

===[[w:Grim Reaper (band)|Grim Reaper]]===
====&quot;Fear No Evil&quot;====
:[''both are laughing'']
:'''Beavis''': It's ''this'' again.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
:'''Butt-head''': These [[w:music videos|videos]] are funny.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should be on that show [[w:The State (TV series)|The State]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what is that thing?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a wolfman with huge claws'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think that's supposed to be [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]].
:'''Beavis''': That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No. That's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
:'''Beavis''': That is ''not'' Wolverine, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
:'''Beavis''': Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

====&quot;Rock You to Hell&quot;====
:[''laughter can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''without emotion''] Ha ha ha ha ha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ha ha ha ha ha. [''sees the band''] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
:[''the lead singer rises up from laying down'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  What was that?  Was that a [[w:Bulldog|bulldog]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it was a [[w:Shih Tzu|Shih Tzu]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''Cornholio accent''] Shih Tzu!  Sha-hih Tzu!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
:[''the lead singer is shown again'']
:'''Beavis:''': AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Including Grim Reaper.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a fat little face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those [[w:Urinal deodorizer block|urinal mints]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I knew that.  Yeah, I was just kidding.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

====&quot;See You in Hell&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Spın̈al Tap]]?
:'''Beavis''': Tap is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd these guys get their [[clothes]]?
:'''Beavis''': They [[bought]] it at that [[w:rock and roll|rock and roll]] store at the mall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I [[think]] these guys played at the state fair last year?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the ''[[pig]]'' contest.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because he's ''[[w:overweight|fat]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': You suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

===[[w:Gruntruck|Gruntruck]], &quot;Crazy Love&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She has the flag on her face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] for which it stands, invisible--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  We're missing this video!  And it doesn't even suck.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Lights are cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Especially when they come out of your butt.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I must be hallucinating ''now.''  I can't believe they're playing something cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Toys are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  They rock!

===[[GWAR]]===
====&quot;Jack the World&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is what it's all about.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you watch all these [[w:music video|videos]], you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
:'''Butt-head''': It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
:'''Beavis''': So, how do you know what time it is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

====&quot;The Road Behind&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!  GWAR!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  GWAR is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!  GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

====&quot;Saddam a Go-Go&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, GWAR has [[w:horn (instrument)|horns]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, [[w:Balsac the Jaws of Death|Balsac]] told 'em: &quot;Throwing [[blood]] and [[w:urine|urine]] in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a [[w:seizure|seizure]] at a [[GWAR]] concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to [[help]] him.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh, it's happening…[''convulses as if he were having a seizure'']
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not gonna help you. [[w:Oderus Urungus|Oderus Urungus]] would want it that way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. [[Thanks]], Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. [''sings along''] He [[died]] and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[''Butt-head smacks him''] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh…whoa, [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]! Look at that giant [[worm]] thing, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Now that's a ''damn'' [[good]] show right there. [''mock-Arabic accent''] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own [[blood]]!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating an Arabic accent''] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
:'''Beavis''': The mother of all [[wars]] has begun!

==H==
===[[w:Nina Hagen|Nina Hagen]], &quot;Herman Was His Name&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...is this that [[w:LaToya Jackson|Toyota Jackson]] chick?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''reacting to video''] Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  No!  NO!  NO!  AHHH!  GET AWAY!
:'''Butt-head''': Aaaahhhh!
:'''Beavis''': GET AWAY!  AHHH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those bathing caps on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, what's that noise?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...I think it's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Hall &amp; Oates|Hall &amp; Oates]]===
====&quot;[[w:Jingle Bell Rock|Jingle Bell Rock]]&quot;====
:[''John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who could that be?
:[''Daryl Hall takes some of the presents'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A group of people arrive at Hall &amp; Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh, don't let [[Primus (band)|Primus]] in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''My name is Mud!''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, ''MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD!'' And then he'd SPIT!

====&quot;[[w:Maneater (Hall &amp; Oates song)|Maneater]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What's [[w:Daryl Hall|this guy]] lookin' at?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  There's his little [[w:John Oates|friend]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''about Daryl Hall''] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And he's a maneater.  Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I mean - I mean, ''no!''

===[[w:Sam Harris (singer)|Sam Harris]], &quot;[[w:Over the Rainbow|Over the Rainbow]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': He's smiling at you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh god.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at that crack in his chin.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's a buttcrack.
:'''Beavis''': Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam Harris starts belting'']
:'''Beavis''': [''drinks soda, does a spit take''] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
:'''Butt-head''': No way. [''turns the volume up to full on the television'']
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': [''screams unintelligibly'']
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.

===[[w:PJ Harvey|PJ Harvey]]===
====&quot;50-Foot Queenie&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, [[w:Justine Bateman|that chick]] from ''[[Family Ties]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is really noisy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Noise is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is weird. 
:'''Beavis''': This chick's mouth is crooked.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder why.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Why is it crooked?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like a 50 foot weenie.  

====&quot;Down by the Water&quot;====
:[''P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress'']
:'''Beavis''': Well, look at that.  That's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah!  ''That'' chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Not too shabby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know.  I mean, she looked all right, you know.  Ooohh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really!  She looks kinda sexy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come chicks in videos never dress up?  It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that.  People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And you know what they say about having a big nose.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.  She probably's got a big schlong, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Beavis''': Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head.  So don't even try.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''P.J. Harvey''': [''whispers''] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this chick is freaky!  This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''whispers''] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It doesn't freak me out when ''you'' do it, Butt-head.  It sounds stupid when ''you'' do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
:'''Beavis''': Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out.  I've done that before with stuff.

===[[Juliana Hatfield]], &quot;What A Life&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
:'''Butt-head''': Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
:'''Beavis''': Um, a second is better than nothing. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it isn't. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': ''Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?''
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and ''nobody'' likes you.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
:'''Butt-head''': [''half laughing''] You don't have any friends.
:'''Beavis''': I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aah, she's got ''blood'' in her eyes! ''Ew'', this is ''freaky'', Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

===[[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]], &quot;[[w:Im Nin'alu|Im Nin'alu]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this foreign?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  She's got money on her head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Money is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games.  On her horse.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is this [[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdulla]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Is this video about Jesus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Christ is cool.

===[[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]], &quot;Merry Christmas Santa Claus&quot;===
:'''Max''': There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
:'''Beavis''': Is it [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Max''': So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude stutters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

===[[w:Helium (band)|Helium]]===
====&quot;Pat's Trick&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Mary Timony|Mary Timony]] dragging a hoe'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's a hoe.
:'''Bravos''': Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [''Butt-head laughs''] Oh, um...why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis.  You thought when I said &quot;a hoe,&quot; that thought I was talking about the chick.  But I was talking about the hoe.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  'Cause, like, [[w:double entendre|when a word means two things]] like that, it's pretty funny.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned.  I didn't know that.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, &quot;choking your chicken&quot; could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it.  Or it can mean, you know, like, you're [[w:Masturbation|choking your chicken]].
:'''Beavis''': [''laughing''] Oh yeah!  Now ''that's'' funny!  Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny.  Yeah.  Yes, I - I get ''that'' one.  Okay, okay!  ''I'' got one!  Masturbating! [''laughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it does!  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has small nostrils.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head.  You look like a cow.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  It means you have lots of loogie.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay, Beavis.  You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

====&quot;XXX&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this chick just like, woke up or something. 
:'''Beavis''': She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
:'''Beavis''': She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Musicians rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''': They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer is destroying an [[w:overhead projector|overhead projector]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I hate those things.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A bandmember resembles [[Jim Carrey]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then they just leave.

===[[w:Helloween|Helloween]], &quot;Halloween&quot;===
:[''A human body in a suit with a [[w:Jack-o'-lantern|Jack-o'-lantern]] head appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, is that the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
:'''Butt-head''': It's from that [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] thing.  That show about that bald kid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's that [[w:Linus van Pelt|kid with the blanket]] that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That's, uh, um, Penis.
:'''Butt-head''': His name's not &quot;Penis.&quot;  It's &quot;Anus.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
:'''Butt-head''': You're getting him mixed up with that dude [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Choder]] who plays the piano.  He's a [[w:pianist|penis]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  That's not cool to call someone a &quot;penis&quot; just because they play the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano.  You call them a penis.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really?  That's cool.  You know what we should do?  We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, &quot;Penis! Penis! Penis!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin?  Like, what's he supposed to do?
:'''Butt-head''': He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
:[''A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.'']
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  You can see up that chick's dress!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
:'''Beavis''': You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Helmet (band)|Helmet]]===
====&quot;[[w:Unsung (song)|Unsung]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': [[w:John Stanier (drummer)|That drummer]] looks like a regular guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;Wilma's Rainbow&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's happening to this dude's face?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
:'''Beavis''': When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [''Beavis's face is in his neutral expression'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually use this expression. [''Butt-head grimaces''] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one when I'm lying. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral''] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
:'''Butt-head''': This one usually  works for me. [''Butt-head grimaces'']
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

===[[w:Hole (band)|Hole]], &quot;[[w:Violet (song)|Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''The screen says Violet''] Uh…violence?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Hole!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
:'''Beavis''': Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole. 
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Hole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, the sign at the beginning said &quot;violence&quot;, and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! That sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
:'''Beavis''': I'll show you my butthole if you want. [''Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I heard this Hole [[Courtney Love|chick]] is a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah! [''Beavis's eyes widen''] YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori Spelling]] chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
:'''Butt-head''': What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
:'''Butt-head''': It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!

===[[w:Huey Lewis and the News|Huey Lewis and the News]], &quot;[[w:I Want a New Drug|I Want a New Drug]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAHHHHHH!  [''Butt-head laughs throughout the video''] THIS SUCKS!  AHHHH!  AHH, BUTT-HEAD!  Change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Suffer, dude!
:'''Beavis''': Give me that thing, Butt-head!  Come on, give me the remote, this sucks!  This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Give me a dollar.
:'''Beavis''': That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks!  AAHHHHHH!  AAHHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.  Don't soil your drawers.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Hum (band)|Hum]], &quot;Stars&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''moans'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
:[''The song appears to end'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this video over?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
:'''Butt-head''': Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

==I==
===[[w:Billy Idol|Billy Idol]], &quot;[[w:Dancing with Myself|Dancing with Myself]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This was ''before'' the music revolution.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, this looks like that [[w:Les Misérables (musical)|Les Miserables]] poster.  In Mrs. Dickey's class?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy Idol''': With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
:'''Beavis''': This guy does ''everything'' by himself.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  I detect masturbatory overtones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''singing with Billy Idol''] Playing with myself!  Oh oh, playing with myself!
:'''Billy Idol''': Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking about choking his chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's talking about spanking his monkey.

===[[Iggy Pop]], &quot;Butt Town&quot;===
:'''Iggy Pop''': The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iggy Pop''': If you live in Butt Town….
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
:'''Iggy Pop''': …you gotta get down.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You gotta get down!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town rules. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
:'''Beavis''': Can I come too?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This dude should hook up with [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

===[[w:Infectious Grooves|Infectious Grooves]]===
====&quot;Three Headed Mind Pollution&quot;====
:[''Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': What? WHAT?!
:'''Beavis''': Come here, quick! [''to himself''] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! [''he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch''] What?
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
:'''Beavis''': No, but check it out, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': It is?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
:'''Beavis''': Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
:'''Butt-head''':  Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is so cool! Yes, yes!
:'''Butt-head''':  You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, I don't know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!

====&quot;Violent and Funky&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, [[w:Chess|chest]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Mike Muir]]''': …but a [[w:.357 Magnum|.357]] gonna blow your damn head off!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [''Clown-like voice''] &quot;Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I'd say, &quot;Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would be cool.

===[[w:INXS|INXS]]===
====&quot;[[w:Devil Inside (INXS song)|Devil Inside]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, Satanic music?
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude, it's not cool enough.  [''imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in'']
:'''Butt-head''': If you play this backwards, it says, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like that [[w:Michael &quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile dude]].  The [[w:Outback|Outback]].
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;outback.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out.  [''bad Australian accent''] &quot;[[w:Dingoes ate my baby|A dingo took your baby]]!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;dingo&quot;!  What if a dingo bit off your dingo?  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': No it wouldn't!  That would suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's rock.  [''changes channel'']

====&quot;[[w:Not Enough Time|Not Enough Time]]&quot;====
:[''video is set underwater'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is wuss music!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Iron Maiden|Iron Maiden]], &quot;[[w:From Here to Eternity (Iron Maiden song)|From Here to Eternity]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, ''this'' looks like it might be good.  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.  Yeah! [''a missile strikes a road sign''] OOOOHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Ye-eeaah!  Now we're getting somewhere!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions.  Yeah!  And chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they'd be, like, &quot;We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude.  That's what got us here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iron Maiden''': Hell is from here to eternity.
:'''Butt-head''': Hell is from here to eternity?
:'''Beavis''': Um, wait a minute.  That can't be true, Butt-head.  'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, ''everywhere.''  So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, &quot;GO TO HELL!  GO TO HELL!&quot;, you're just, like, really saying, &quot;Stay right there!&quot;  You know.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  No problem.  I'll stay right here.  See?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I mean, just shut up!  It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It's just, like, stupid.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.

===[[w:Chris Isaak|Chris Isaak]], &quot;Somebody's Crying&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...what is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't really care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  They need to get up and get a job!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean, like, all the girls are ''sluts?''
:'''Butt-head''': Yep.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, now that is cool!  Yeah, yeah!  Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like [[w:Kato Kaelin|Kato Kaelin]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]].  He goes, &quot;You know, you're a great guy.  Why don't you come on over and stay a while?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  What a great guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, he does, sort of.  But that's okay.  'Cause he's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds|Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds]], &quot;Shuffle It All&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What Izzy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Who Izzy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Izzy quit [[w:Guns N' Roses|Guns N' Roses]] 'cause [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He kicked Axl's ass!  He kicked him!  Kicked him!  And he hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!  You're gonna hose your shorts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a train is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Look at that car.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's all, like, long.
:'''Butt-head''': Mass transit is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I like ass transit, too.

==J==
===[[Janet Jackson]], &quot;[[w:You Want This|You Want This]]&quot;===
:'''Janet Jackson''': Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
:'''Beavis''': Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That's a pretty nice hotel.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
:'''Beavis''': How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. A whole hour?
:'''Butt-head''': A whole whore.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, a whole whore.
:'''Butt-head''': You can get on the phone and be like &quot;Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I was just saying, &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [''muttering to himself''] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Excuse me, are those [[w:Bugle Boy|Bunghole Boys]] you're wearing?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Bunghole Boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janet Jackson''': Could you handle this?
:'''Butt-head''': Could you handle this, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is humping the couch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doin' my monkey boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, get down!
:'''Beavis''': I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…

===[[w:The Jacksons|The Jacksons]], &quot;[[w:Torture (The Jacksons song)|Torture]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Jackie Jackson|Jackie Jackson]] standing in the doorway of a temple'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Where's [[w:Tito Jackson|Tito]]?
:'''Beavis''': This is that [[w:Jermaine Jackson|Jermaine]] dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in'']
:'''Butt-head''': They're in a rubber!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  That would've been cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Guess where ''his'' hand's been!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson'']
:'''Butt-head''': TITOOO!
:'''Beavis''': Tito's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tito rules!  He used to be in [[w:Village People|The Village People]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is torture!  Change it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]], &quot;The Lumberjack&quot;===
::''See also: Jackyl, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Mental *@%#!&quot; by Jackyl|&quot;Mental Masturbation&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.''

:'''Butt-head''': [[w:chainsaw|Chainsaws]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I like when they saw stuff.

===[[w:James (band)|James]], &quot;Say Something&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Ohhh yeah.  It's from that album, ''The Classics of Suck''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is in gorilla costumes'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know what animal would listen to this crap?  Is a cow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, [[w:Warrant (American band)|Warrant]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is James.
:'''Beavis''': James who?
:'''Butt-head''': His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His parents said, &quot;Son, we know you suck, and that's okay.  But could you just, like, not use our name?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they hugged him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.  What a wuss!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Rick James|Rick James]], &quot;[[w:Super Freak|Super Freak]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:U Can't Touch This|hammer time]]!  U can't touch this!
:'''Beavis''': U can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': Touch ''this!'' [''flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': I can't ''watch'' this.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jane's Addiction|Jane's Addiction]], &quot;[[w:Mountain Song (Jane's Addiction song)|Mountain Song]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hammers|Hammers]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just ''break'' stuff. Break it!

===[[w:Jawbox|Jawbox]], &quot;Savory&quot;===
:[''three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay! [''smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: &quot;RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [''laughing''] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find ''that'' present!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the girl in the video is given an axe'']
:'''Butt-head''': These are cool presents!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: &quot;Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!&quot; 
:[''the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

===[[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary Chain]], &quot;Come On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've seen this video before.  A chick squats later.  You know...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?  Can you see some cheek?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
:'''Beavis''': Quit cursing, Butt-head.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not!  That's the name of the band, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Why would anybody name their band that?!  It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  DUN DUN DUNNN!  But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Get it on, bang your schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then there's that other part: &quot;get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Schlong.

===[[w:The Jesus Lizard|The Jesus Lizard]], &quot;Glamorous&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Buttmunch.
:'''Beavis''': LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Jesus Lizard.
:'''Beavis''': Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD!  Yeah.  I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah.  I oughta be one of those guys.  I bet - I bet I could do that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you would suck!  The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Uh...oh, really?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has &quot;Jesus&quot; in their name.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, [[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph]], like, [[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|900-Foot Jesus]], you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And most of 'em suck!

===[[w:Joan Jett|Joan Jett &amp; the Blackhearts]], &quot;[[w:Do You Wanna Touch Me|Do You Wanna Touch Me]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has a good attitude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we should touch ''them.''
:'''Butt-head''': It's a ''dude,'' Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot.  He does has big boobs, though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat'']
:'''Beavis''': Those are some dudes holding their rods.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
:'''Beavis''': Why would you need a dress??  You some kind of [[w:Transvestism|transformer]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  Not a dress.  An ''ad''dress!
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You're stupid, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Billy Joel]], &quot;[[w:Uptown Girl|Uptown Girl]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh man! What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
:'''Butt-head''': Where's he going with that magazine?
:'''Beavis''': He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing off-key''] [[w:Piano Man (song)|SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!]]

===[[w:Elton John|Elton John]] with [[w:RuPaul|RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]&quot;===
:[''the channel was changed from the video &quot;Demon Juice&quot; by [[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, now what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, this isn't much better.  What the hell is this?
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't feel like watching this either right now.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ''ever.''
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Let's never watch this again.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:JoJo (singer)|JoJo]], &quot;Worst (I Assume)&quot;===
:''[as two people in a car jolt upright]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like,  brought you back with that... [[w: defibrillator|infibulator]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That thing hurt. 
:'''Beavis''': They said you were dead for a while, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said &quot;I love you,  Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back.&quot; And then I woke up. 
:'''Beavis''': And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it. 
:'''Beavis''': In a just world, they would have killed you. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's not fair.

===[[w:Jon Spencer Blues Explosion|Jon Spencer Blues Explosion]], &quot;Dang&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right! A video! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like music videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': That was cool!
:'''Butt'head''': That's unbelievable!
:'''Beavis''': Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, got any more [[w:Nutmeg#Psychoactivity_and_toxicity|nutmeg]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't think so.
:'''Beavis''': That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

===[[w:Grace Jones|Grace Jones]], &quot;[[w:Demolition Man (song)|Demolition Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute.  This isn't cool.  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this [[w:Manute Bol|Manute Bol]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's too bad he can't sing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this ''isn't'' Manute Bol.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Manute Bol sings better than this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This man has lipstick on!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is scary.  Can I sleep at your house tonight?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, never mind.

===[[w:Jordy|Jordy]], &quot;Dur dur d'être bébé&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this kid a foreigner?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': I said, &quot;First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump.&quot; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

===[[w:Jeremy Jordan (singer, born 1973)|Jeremy Jordan]], &quot;[[w:The Right Kind of Love|The Right Kind of Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Check out this wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy Jordan''': Woo!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Jeremy Jordan''] Woo!  IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Change it.  Change it, Butt-head!  Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS!  CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Journey (band)|Journey]], &quot;[[w:Separate Ways|Separate Ways]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Partridge Family|The Partridge Family]]?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]].
:'''Beavis''': This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [[w:Steve Perry (musician)|this guy]] sucks! And then [[w:Neal Schon|''this'' guy!]] Just look at him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

===[[Judas Priest]], &quot;[[w:Painkiller (song)|Painkiller]]&quot;===
:'''Rob Halford''': ''FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!''
:'''Beavis''': [''does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey! [[w:Judas Priest#Subliminal message trial|I feel like killing myself!]] I feel like killing you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

==K==
===[[w:King Diamond (band)|King Diamond]], &quot;The Family Ghost&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from [[Sesame Street]]…[[w:Count von Count|The Count]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like [''imitating The Count''] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
:'''Beavis''': [''also imitating The Count''] Ahahahahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like &quot;Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

===[[w:King Missile|King Missile]]===
====&quot;[[w:Detachable Penis|Detachable Penis]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;[[w:penis|penis]].&quot; [''the duo [[laugh]] continuously for the remainder of the video'']

====&quot;[[w:Martin Scorsese (song)|Martin Scorsese]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:John S. Hall|John S. Hall]]''': This one's called &quot;[[Martin Scorsese]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh, &quot;Martin Scores Easy&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, this is [[#&quot;Detachable Penis&quot;|that dude who lost his penis]]!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He did that song about how he had a &quot;touchable penis&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

===[[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]], &quot;[[w:I Love It Loud|I Love It Loud]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents'']
:'''Butt-head''': Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe he's in trouble.
:[''the boy walks over to a TV'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's got a comb in his back pocket.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''KISS is shown on the TV screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': KISS rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
:'''Butt-head''': I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything.  I usually kick 'em in the nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff.  They say stuff like, &quot;AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': KISS is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When's [[w:Gene Simmons|he]] gonna spit some blood?
:'''Butt-head''': I like when he sticks his long tongue out.  [''Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out''] Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boy's mother is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.

===[[w:Kix (band)|Kix]], &quot;Cool Kids&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Holy crap!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
:'''Butt-head''': Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
:'''Butt-head''': No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That cop should hit him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Kix''': COOL! KIDS!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[w:Krokus (band)|Krokus]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': No, he's saying &quot;cool kids&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': These are supposed to be cool kids?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

===[[KMFDM]], &quot;[[w:A Drug Against War|A Drug Against War]]&quot;===
:'''Voiceover''': Kill everything, kill everything…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
:'''Butt-head''': What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I just care about my ass. [''In Cornholio accent''] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

===[[w:Chris Knox|Chris Knox]], &quot;Half Man Half Mole&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Cool, a cartoon.
:'''Butt-head''': Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
:'''Beavis''': So? Clay can be cartoons.
:'''Butt-head''': No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
:'''Beavis''': So? Drawings are things.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, [[w:Davey and Goliath|Davey and Goliath]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
:'''Beavis''': You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
:'''Butt-head''': I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [''imitating Goliath''] &quot;Uhh, Davey, you should try this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then Davey said &quot;Maybe I should pet you first.&quot; And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
:'''Butt-head''': I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

===[[w:Korn|Korn]], &quot;[[w:Blind (song)|Blind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Want me to strike you?
:'''Beavis''': No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [''Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.''] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. 
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': One can't help but be reminded of such bands as [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]], [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]], [[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': One is even reminded of [[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]] when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[''Butt-head hits him several times'']…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
:'''Butt-head''': You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow.
:'''Butt-head''': But then you did say spinxter.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

===[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], &quot;Is There Any Love in Your Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! [''Slaps Beavis'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. We should call him up and say &quot;Hey man, know where any parties are at?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, baby.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh. [''Beavis and Butt-head dance''] Lenny rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Lemmy|Lemmy]] does rule. Um, what does [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] have to do with what's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy. 
:'''Beavis''': I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You monkeyspank. [''Smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, check out that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
:'''Butt-head''': She must be like, the spare. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Right, Beavis.

===[[w:Kris Kross|Kris Kross]], &quot;[[w:Warm It Up|Warm It Up]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Warm it up, Kris!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Warm it up, Kris!  Warmer!  With fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How do those guys [[w:urinate|pee]] with their [[w:trousers|pants]] on backwards?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
:'''Butt-head''': Kross is the Mac Daddy.  And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  But they could both kick [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  What were ''we'' born to do?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...

===[[w:Krokus|Krokus]], &quot;[[w:School's Out (song)|School's Out]]&quot;===
:[''The video opens in a high school classroom.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it.  I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head:''' If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Whoa.  That locker's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Wait a minute.  What's this?  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
:'''Butt-head:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Heavy metal has come a long way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Three high school girls appear on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.  Chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really.
:[''The band is playing on stage.'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's sickening.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Lead singer [[w:Marc Storace|Marc Storace]] appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at his hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Look at his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His whole head sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  His chest is no picnic, either.
:'''Beavis''': He looks like [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Arnold_Dingfelder_Horshack|Horshack]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  With [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Juan_Luis_Pedro_Felipo_de_Huevos_Epstein|Epstein's]] hair.

==L==
===[[w:L7 (band)|L7]], &quot;[[w:Pretend We're Dead|Pretend We're Dead]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, it's The Go-Go's.
:'''Butt-head''': There are like, grudge chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Grubby chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I had ringworm in my nose once.  It was pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I remember.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's [[pretend]] we're [[dead]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool.

===[[w:LaTour|LaTour]], &quot;People Are Still Having Sex&quot;===
:[''A [[w:Mars symbol|Mars symbol]] shows up onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener? 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what wiener? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': It stands for wieners everywhere. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… yeah. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… people are still having sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
:'''Butt-head''': So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': Do you understand me?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand you, but where?! 
:'''LaTour''': Lust keeps on lurking…
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, come on! Who? Where? 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
:'''LaTour''': This AIDS thing's not working…
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, there he goes again!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [''Gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yea, bring me back a couple!

===[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]], &quot;No More 'I Love You's&quot;===
:[''A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [''camera scrolls up to dancer's face''] but it's a guy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What's her problem?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[''sings &quot;[[w:From a Distance|From a Distance]]&quot;'']. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Who did that song?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's [[Bette Midler|Butt Midler]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] divorce Minnie?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing [[w:Goofy|Goofy]]! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who's there?
:'''Beavis''': Eura. 
:'''Butt-head''': Eura who?
:'''Beavis''': You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
:'''Beavis''': Who's there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…eura.
:'''Beavis''': Eura who?
:'''Butt-head''': You're ain…urine.

===[[w:Letters to Cleo|Letters to Cleo]], &quot;Here and Now&quot;===
:[''the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot'']
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [''the camera pans down to her legs''] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, may I have another?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, [[Family Ties]], [[Full House]], [[w:My Two Dads|My Two Dads]], [[w:Growing Pains|Growing Pains]], [[w:One Day At a Time|One Day At a Time]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': [[Melrose Place]], [[Northern Exposure]], [[What's Happening!!]], [[w:Good Times|Good Times]], [[w:The Jeffersons|Jeffersons]]… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, [[Sally Struthers|that chick]] that used to be young and had big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And she was like, [[All in the Family|married to that dude and living with her parents]], and now she does [[w:ChildFund|those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! And she was also in that [[w:International Correspondence Schools|commercial for the career institute]], where she's going like, [''high-pitched voice''] &quot;You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''both laugh'']
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That'd be a good job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers nonsensically''] What? What did you say?
:'''Butt-head''': What? I didn't say anything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [''jabbers nonsensically''], didn't you say something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [''imitates Butt-head''] &quot;Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool&quot;, or something like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

===[[Jerry Lee Lewis]], &quot;Goosebumps&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
:'''Butt-head''': No, this is that dude that was in that movie.  He married his cousin, and then they [[w:Sexual intercourse|did it]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think that movie was called ''[[w:Great Balls of Fire|Great Balls of FFFFIRE!]]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': [''sternly''] Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry about that.

===[[w:Life of Agony|Life of Agony]], &quot;This Time&quot;===
:[''A man looks angrily towards the camera'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
:'''Butt-head''': You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [''Mocks Beavis's voice''] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''snickers''] Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that [[w:Christian Slater|Christian Slater]] dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like &quot;Christians? Later, dude.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
:'''Beavis''': If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Keith Caputo|Keith Caputo]]''': You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
:'''Butt-head''': Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
:'''Butt-head''': He's practically crying.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! That's too bad.

===[[w:Lil Nas X|Lil Nas X]]===
====&quot;[[w:Industry Baby|Industry Baby]]&quot; feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]]====
:''[as Lil Nas X polishes some Grammy trophies in a prison cell]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. ''[a twerking male is seen]'' See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X is seen wearing a pink uniform on the phone]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he like, working at [[w:T-Mobile|T-Mobile]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears]'' Uhhh...  Oh... never mind. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah... there he is...
:'''Butt-head''': Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. ''[Jack Harlow is in an [[w:electric chair|electric chair]], and electrocuted by Lil Nas X]'' Uh, oh. I guess they did.

====[[w:Montero (Call Me By Your Name)|Montero (Call Me By Your Name)]]====
:''[as the video begins in an ethereal landscape with a snake]''
:'''Lil Nas X''': ... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, [[w:Garden of Eden|that garden in the Bible]], where that chick, [[w:Eve|Eve]] or Eden, or whatever her name is [[w:Forbidden fruit|eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to]], and then it like [[w:Fall of man|puts a curse on the earth]].
:'''Beavis''': See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, [[w:Adam and Eve|God takes the rib out of]] [[w:Adam|that dude]], and makes a chick? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage. 
:'''Butt-head'''  Yeah. Neither would I. I'd just be a big blob of flesh with a bunch of chicks around me, and no bones. Except I'd still have ''one'' bone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Lil Nas X is surrounded by men in erotic clothing]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he ''definitely'' wants to. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for &quot;extremely interested in chicks?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X begins to caress a demon]''
:'''Beavis''': Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's [[w:Darth Maul|Darth Maul]]. Satan is like, part of the [[w:Marvel Universe|Marvel Universe]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a [[Satanism|Satanist]], and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and [[w:Libertarianism|Liberatarianism]] or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!
:'''Butt-head''': And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that [[September 11 attacks|7-Eleven]] was an [[w:9/11 conspiracy theories|inside job]]? They don't want you to know that. 
:'''Butt-head''': They suck.

===[[w:Live (band)|Live]], &quot;[[w:I Alone|I Alone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No he's not! Liar.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he is. He's like, &quot;I like what I see. I'll be right over.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': He said, &quot;I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said &quot;Where are your drums?&quot; and he’s like, &quot;Uhh, I thought they were in the van.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': And they’re like, &quot;You mean you didn’t bring your drums?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And they said &quot;Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

===[[w:LMFAO|LMFAO]], &quot;[[w:Champagne Showers|Champagne Showers]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, the same dance they did in [[w:Party Rock Anthem|Party Rock Anthem]], except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I thought like, that the [[Great Recession|ecomony sucks]], and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, [[wikipedia:Berry_Gordy|their grandpa is like the same guy]], so they don't care. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh... I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!

===[[w:Lordz of Brooklyn|Lordz of Brooklyn]], &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:American Woman (song)|American Woman]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption &quot;Scotty&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]. [''imitates Scotty''] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! [[w:Jump Around|Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!]]
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Scotty''] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
:'''Beavis''': These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be [[w:House of Pain|House of Pain]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And the [[w:Beastie Boys|Beastie Boys]], and uh, [[Goodfellas]]…
:'''Beavis''': And [[Reservoir Dogs|Resavore Dogs]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these guys, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
:'''Beavis''': I thought there was only one [[w:Jesus Christ|Lord]]. That's what they said in Sunday school.
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

===[[w:G. Love &amp; Special Sauce|G. Love &amp; Special Sauce]], &quot;Cold Beverage&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen this video before. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, [[w:Extra-sensory perception|ESP]]…[[w:ESPN|N]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna say &quot;Yeah, huh huh huh huh&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool! 
:'''Butt-head''': I knew you were gonna say that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': Cut it out, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't ever think about that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Is it a suitcase of some kind?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
:'''Butt-head''': No, but that's not a bad idea. [''slaps Beavis several times'']

==M==
===[[w:MARRS|MARRS]], &quot;[[w:Pump Up the Volume (song)|Pump Up the Volume]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this PBS?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uhh...I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the planet Saturn is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Uranus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uranus is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

===[[w:M.I.R.V.|M.I.R.V.]], &quot;Shave My Face Off&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
:'''Beavis''': I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
:'''Butt-head''': You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna suck.

===[[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fever (Madonna song)|Fever]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick was married to [[Sean Penn|that dude]] who would punch you if you took his picture.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That, uh, [[Woody Allen]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with [[w:Soon-Yi Previn|his daughter]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...not if his name was Woody. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  What if his name was Stiffy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well...maybe.  Stiffy Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Stiffy Allen!  Woodrow Allen!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Ahhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at her thingies!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  I like when they push together really close.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, dude.  She's filthy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Secret (Madonna song)|Secret]]&quot;====
:[''a faster version of the video is playing'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this sounds different.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it was slower before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And she was ''walking'' slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, me too.  I'd like to have sex with her.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah.  Yeah.  That would kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna looks pretty normal here.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.  But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, no - no, I'd ''do'' her.  No - yeah.  I mean, I'd ''do'' her, yeah.  I'm not saying that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair.  It's not white.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  So am I!  You know, during her videos?  Yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna.  When ''you'' spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um, that's ''little'' Beavis.  Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

===[[Marilyn Manson]]===
====&quot;[[w:Get Your Gunn|Get Your Gunn]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The housewife I will beat…
:'''Beavis''': The asswipe I will beat? 
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
:'''Beavis''': Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who cares?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! I think he's saying &quot;Get your gun.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is one of those &quot;Stop the violence&quot; things…you know, like enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, [[w:Give Peace a Chance|gave peace a chance]], and like…''[Butt-head smacks Beavis''] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[''Butt-head slaps Beavis again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

====&quot;[[w:Long Hard Road Out of Hell|Long Hard Road Out of Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…boy, [[Cher]] has sure gone downhill.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called [[w:menopause|mentopause]], and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think there's some [[w:urine|wee-wee]] there too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's [[Charles Manson]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
:'''Butt-head''': You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this [[w:Manson family|Manson dude's family]], and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Really? I'll be damned. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
:'''Butt-head''': These people are messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to make love to her. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Me too.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [''Beavis screams''] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis! 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
:'''Butt-head''': No I didn't, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yes you did! You said &quot;Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [''singing''] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's [[w:Matt Pinfield|Matt Pinfield]]!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Laughs''] Beavis is a lesbian.

===[[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], &quot;[[w:Take This Heart|Take This Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's touching his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch ''my'' wiener.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [''scratching his wiener, chuckling'']

===[[w:Ava Max|Ava Max]], &quot;[[w:Torn (Ava Max song)|Torn]]&quot;===
:''[the video continuously showcases a [[w:Fiat|Fiat]] car]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they keep showing this car?
:'''Butt-head''': Well Beavis, that's because it's the [[w:Fiat 500X|Fiat 500X]], the best mid-sized sedan on the market today. 
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead. 
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock. 
:'''Beavis''': Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable. 
:'''Beavis''': It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me. 
:'''Beavis''': What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!
:'''Butt-head''': No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which ''[[w:Car and Driver|Car and Driver]]'' recently called &quot;the ultimate thrill ride.&quot; Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there. 
:'''Beavis''': Why would Fiat give you a free car?
:'''Butt-head''': Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. ''[Beavis leaves to go look]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't see anything, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, are you sure?
:'''Beavis''': Yup. No cars out here at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon. 
:'''Beavis''': You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|MC 900 Ft. Jesus]], &quot;If I Only Had a Brain&quot;===
:[''Beavis hums along with the bassline'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, &quot;Take me to somewhere cool&quot;. Beavis, shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''still humming along''] Higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Still be here with you…
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': OOOWW!! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? [''smacks Beavis again''] Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': AH! OW! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Higher, higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [''fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.'']

===[[w:Reba McEntire|Reba McEntire]], &quot;[[w:Take It Back (Reba McEntire song)|Take It Back]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I'd like to make a motion.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!  [''moons the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot; reruns!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; reruns!  This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the one where they sing in court.
:'''Beavis''': No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the same show, dumbass.  There only ''was'' one show!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone'']
:'''Butt-head''': No sax in court!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The [[w:Prosecutor|prostitution]] rests!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Change it!  Change it, quick!

===[[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]], &quot;[[w:Don't Worry, Be Happy|Don't Worry, Be Happy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  I think I'm gonna try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  So am I.  [''slaps Beavis across the face'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm not worried.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Does ''this'' worry you?  [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head!  I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call me that, Butt-head!  [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': UUH!  I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
:[''the two start continuously hitting each other'']
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!  CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': AAAHH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, the fight's over, I won.
:'''Beavis''': No you didn't, Butt-head, ''I'' won.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[Mrs. Doubtfire|Mrs. Doubt''FIRE!'']]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think [[Robin Williams|that guy]]'s very funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...okay.

===[[Megadeth]], &quot;[[w:Sweating Bullets|Sweating Bullets]]&quot;===
::''See also: Megadeth, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot; by Megadeth|&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.''

:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  [''sounding like Dave Mustaine''] He doesn't talk like me.
:'''Butt-head''': He sorta talks like you.  He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that dude doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': That's [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].  
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Was this guy raised by wolves?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Wolves are cool.  If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too.  And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===The Meices, &quot;Daddy's Gone to California&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] driving a convertible'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar.  Um...whoa, that's that guy!  Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house?  That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I recognize him, that's him!  That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?  It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
:'''Butt-head''': You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I wasn't.  I was looking, like, ''around'' his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?  He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Well...you're ''almost'' there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Um, how do I get big and fat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it sucks!

===[[w:John Cougar Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]], &quot;Pop Singer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.

===[[w:Melvins|Melvins]], &quot;Hooch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Buzz Osborne|Buzz Osborne]]''': Los ticka toe rest…
:'''Butt-head''': What? I can't understand what he's saying.
:'''Beavis''': What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': …sender bright like a penelty…
:'''Beavis''': Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, like, right here, he says, uh…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
:'''Beavis''': Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
:'''Butt-head''': These words rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
:'''Butt-head''': If you had a boner, they would.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are submerged in water'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[Water]] is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [''sings along''] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

===[[w:Men Without Hats|Men Without Hats]], &quot;[[w:The Safety Dance|The Safety Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Beavis''': I think it's that bee from that [[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]] [[w:No Rain|video]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool, if [[Robin Hood]] came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Men Without Hats''': We can dance, we can dance…
:'''Butt-head''': This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need to go to a [[Pantera]] concert to learn how to dance.
:'''Butt-head''': They'd get their butts slammed around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

===[[w:Mercyful Fate|Mercyful Fate]], &quot;The Bellwitch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean the [[w:Hamburglar|Hamburglar]], dude.
:'''Beavis''': No, he's a Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, &quot;Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass.&quot; But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, &quot;You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Not if I spun it around really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [''high-pitched groaning'']. Like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.

===[[Metallica]]===
====&quot;[[w:For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica song)|For Whom the Bell Tolls]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yes!  Yes, yes!  ROCK!  ROCK!
:'''Butt-head''': Sit your ass down, [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]].  Play the drums like you're supposed to.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [''Lars Ulrich points at the crowd''] See?  He's said, &quot;There's Beavis&quot;, see? And there I am, right there!  See?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Your mom's a slut!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, Metallica sucks.  And you've never made out with a chick, either.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Shut up! [''the two can be seen hitting each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That [[w:James Hetfield|James Hetfield]] dude looks like the [[w:Cowardly Lion|Cowardly Lion]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES! YES! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Not really, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': I know. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose'']
:'''Butt-head''': See, look inside this dude's nose.
:'''Beavis''': I know. It's cool. Dumbass
:'''Butt-head''': Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. I think it's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like [[w:GWAR|GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

====&quot;[[w:One (Metallica song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's this?
:'''Butt-head''': You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on the rather clean and slow intro'']
:'''Beavis''': This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It starts going, &quot;Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Isn't he that dude on that [[w:The Addams Family|Addams Family]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of [[w:Lurch (The Addams Family)|Lurch]], dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He could kick [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]'s butt too.
:'''Butt-head''': Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Lurch''] Uhhh, you rang, [[w:Morticia Addams|Mrs. Addams]], uhhh?
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the music starts becoming more metallic'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': They rule.
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Sorry, man.

===[[w:MGMT|MGMT]]===
====&quot;[[w:It's Working|It's Working]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at [[w:IKEA|IKEA]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, &quot;sleep&quot; and &quot;get it on.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… &quot;just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… [[w:Foster care|the Fosters.]] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The drummer appears wearing a [[w:sombrero|sombrero]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
:'''Beavis''': Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… really?
:'''Beavis''': Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intoler-ble or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

====&quot;[[w:Kids (MGMT song)|Kids]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''?
:'''Beavis''': No no no no.  I've seen all of those.  Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, ''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]'' season 3!  I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
:'''Butt-head''': She's a lousy mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this Florida?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh… [''monsters and zombie-looking people around''] Yup, that's Florida.  Florida sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah that's messed up.  What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! They're like, &quot;Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you're one now!  It's time you start pulling your weight around here!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with [[AC/DC]] on it, then he would kick ass.

===[[w:The Mighty Mighty Bosstones|The Mighty Mighty Bosstones]], &quot;[[w:Detroit Rock City|Detroit Rock City]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Okay, here we go, another video.  Line 'em up.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:[''a car peels out'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, peel out!  Burn rubber, yeah!  Tear aaassssss!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two young men with long hair go inside a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, fight!  Fight!  Fight!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, hit him!
:[''a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep'']
:'''Beavis''': Kick the pumpkin!  Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  Hippies never break stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what about that [[w:Gallagher (comedian)|Gallagher]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men start vandalizing vehicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Throwing eggs, very nice.  M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house.  It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  I wish someone would toilet paper ''my'' house.  I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've been using this washcloth.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

===[[w:Milla Jovovich|Milla]], &quot;Gentlemen Who Fell&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The [[w:Return to the Blue Lagoon|second one]] of that [[The Blue Lagoon|first one]] where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears'']
:'''Beavis''': OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure did. And it was cool.
:'''Beavis''': I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You could see everything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
:'''Butt-head''': I like this song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, it's [[w:Death (personification)|Death]]!
:'''Beavis''': If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
:'''Butt-head''': Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
:'''Butt-head''': [''shudders''] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That spider's gonna do her.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she's naked again!
:'''Beavis''': Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': Her what?
:'''Beavis''': Her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean her butt, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
:'''Butt-head''': It's called a butt, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying &quot;butt&quot; sometimes.  I thought I'd throw rump in.

===[[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]], &quot;[[w:Barbie Tingz|Barbie Tingz]]&quot;===
:''[as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a ''whole lotta'' lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, &quot;Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong,&quot; and I'd be lying, but then my schlong ''would'' get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even ''need'' the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um,  I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': That was quite a ride, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my ''seventh'' leg?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that ''always'' grows up? Know what I'm saying?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says &quot;bitch&quot; I get to smack you. 
:'''Beavis''': No way! Why would I do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says &quot;butt,&quot; you can smack me. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.
:'''Butt-head''': Now let the games begin.
:'''Nicki Minaj''': ...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... ''[Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis]'' Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': ''[getting smacked]'' Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': Wait, I think she- ahh! ''[gets smacked more]'' Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': When we say &quot;Gun the bitch,&quot; dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!
:'''Beavis''': Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh! 
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...
:'''Butt-head''': I win. ''[smacks Beavis a few more times]''
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I did not think she would say &quot;bitch&quot; so much when I agreed- ''[Butt-head smacks him]'' Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- ''[gets smacked again]'' Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

===[[w:Ministry (band)|Ministry]], &quot;[[w:Just One Fix|Just One Fix]]&quot;===
:[''A tornado is shown on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now we're getting somewhere!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
:'''Butt-head''': Even [[William S. Burroughs|the old dude]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like the tornado.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Almost everything in this video is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
:[''A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink'']
:'''Butt-head''': So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AARGHH! That was disgusting!
:'''Butt-head''': You asked for it, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

===[[Kylie Minogue]], &quot;[[w:The Loco-Motion|The Loco-Motion]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]!
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah.  They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play [[w:Ken (Barbie)|Ken]].
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has more teeth than most people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bite me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She looks like that chick in the mall.
:'''Beavis''': Chicken what?
:'''Butt-head''': That chick in the mall!
:'''Beavis''': That chicken?  What do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': No, asswipe!  I'm talking about that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean that chick that works at [[w:Chick-fil-A|Chick-fil-A]]?  That chicken place?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  I'm not talking about chicken!  Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
:'''Beavis''':  Shut up, Butt-head!  You did talk about chicken!  You said that chicken mall!
:'''Butt-head''': I said that ''chick in the mall''!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is upbeat. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It makes me want to get up and beat it.
:'''Butt-head''':  You said &quot;up.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': This ''video''?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Missing Persons (band)|Missing Persons]], &quot;Words&quot;===
:'''[[w:Dale Bozzio|Dale Bozzio]]''': Do you hear me?
:'''Beavis''': [''Mocking''] Do you hear me? 
:'''Dale Bozzio''':  Do you care?
:'''Butt-head''': Do I care? No!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

===[[w:Moist (band)|Moist]], &quot;Push&quot;===
:[''The lead singer is tapping the side of his head'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's thinking.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
:'''Lead Singer''': (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy pronounces words weird.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''mocking the singer''] A little bit more than you could ever say. [''normal voice''] Heh, heh, heh. [''mocking the singer again''] Fade away, fade away. [''normal voice''] What kind of an accent is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''during the guitar solo'']
:'''Beavis''': What's that dude's problem?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going &quot;Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, what's he doing?
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

===[[w:Monster Magnet|Monster Magnet]], &quot;Negasonic Teenage Warhead&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay. Poop!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Uranus|Uranus]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin''] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out! A flying [[w:Pop-Tarts|Poop-tart]]! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, stop the car dude!
:'''Beavis''': I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll just talk about [[w:urine|wee-wee]]. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

===[[w:Morbid Angel|Morbid Angel]], &quot;God of Emptiness&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal [[w:music videos|videos]] with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer roars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. Was that a bear?
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. [''Beavis imitates the singer''] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, beavis, it's that dude from [[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy of Mayberry]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean [[w:Barney Fife|Barney]]? [''imitates [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]''] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to [[w:Mount Pilot|Mount Pilot]] and worship Satan.
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. [[w:Goober Pyle|Goober]] spelled backwards is &quot;booger&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is where it starts to get really stupid. [''imitates the singer''] Bow to me, faithfully…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me…uh…
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me faithfully…
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': [''in unison''] Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me splendidly…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

===[[w:Morphine (band)|Morphine]], &quot;Honey White&quot;===
:[''a beehive is shown onscreen'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's [[Jon Stewart]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's horny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark Sandman|Mark Sandman]]''': I like to see a little more fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in the video is spinning around'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Look what she's doing.
:'''Beavis''': I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

===[[Morrissey]], &quot;[[w:November Spawned a Monster|November Spawned a Monster]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''': Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
:'''Beavis''': You're lucky I didn't ''barf'' on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to hump a rock.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
:'''Beavis''': OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
:'''Beavis''': OW! OW! Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
:'''Butt-head''': You tell him, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

===[[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dr. Feelgood (song)|Dr. Feelgood]]&quot;====
:[''video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Somebody pitched a tent.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now this is feel-good music.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video tells a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is: [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]] is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That guy from [[w:Danzig (band)|Danzig]] could kick his ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What does &quot;Dr. Feelgood&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video has fire, and cars...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And tattoos, and leather.
:'''Butt-head''': Now all it needs is some chicks.  Then it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't as cool as ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Hooligan's Holiday|Hooligan's Holiday]]&quot;====
:[''a mouth is shown behind an open zipper'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think it's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I don't think that's ''her,'' Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, your mom's a road slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe.  She like, hangs out with bands like [[w:Foghat|Foghat]] and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  My mom's a slut!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Corabi''': Hooligan's holiday...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bennigan|Bennigan's]] holiday?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I thought they were open all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.  I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

===[[w:The Murmurs|The Murmurs]], &quot;You Suck&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, um...hmm.  Is this a diaper commercial?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, this is a [[w:Douche|douche]] commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Ahh, that's funny, douche.  [''cackles''] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that would rule!  'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': And I'm not talking about washing your ''whole'' butt -- I'm talking about washing your butt''hole''. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Murmurs''': And for that, you suck...
:'''Beavis''': Um...they just said you suck. 
:'''Butt-head''': No they didn't, they said ''you'' sucked.  They ripped off my idea for a song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you, like, already ripped off the idea for ''me'', bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that I shouldn't?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right.  Now sit there and shut up.  Nutsack. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's just a koala bear.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well alright, then.

===[[w:Mutha's Day Out|Mutha's Day Out]], &quot;Locked&quot;===
:''[the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What is all this stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, somebody's talking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, there's some guy going...''[mutters incoherent gibberish]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
:'''Butt-head''': Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are like a cross between like, [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on [[w:Hee Haw|Hee Haw]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. ''[sings]'' You met another and...''[farts]'' ...you was gone.''
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty good, Butt-head.

===[[w:My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult|My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult]], &quot;Blue Buddha&quot;===
:[''a man's cheeks are shown flapping'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you see that guy's cheeks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That was cool.  I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too.  I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': They should put ''that'' in every video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' all that stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': All ''what'' stuff?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff?  It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they ''always'' have on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, is that what that is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this song is called &quot;Blue Buddha.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pull up your pants, cut it out!

==N==
===[[w:Napalm Death|Napalm Death]], &quot;[[w:Plague Rages|Plague Rages]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, something's wrong.  It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It looks like it might come out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of ''Godzilla's'' butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If it ''did'' come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a decomposed horse is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time we found that dead horse?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That was sad.  Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead?  Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Me'shell Ndegéocello|Me'shell Ndegéocello]], &quot;If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)&quot;===
:'''Girl in video''': I feel like such an ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I feel like an ass, too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass, too?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a different girl in the music video screams'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
:'''Butt-head''': You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
:'''Beavis''': They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So like, this chick will only do you if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…[[w:Frustration|struss-frating]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up, and like…[[w:Free Your Mind|free your mind]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

===[[w:Ned's Atomic Dustbin|Ned's Atomic Dustbin]], &quot;All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': ''Maps''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you were like, &quot;Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He believed me!
:'''Beavis''': He was like goin': &quot;Uh huh, okay, uh hmm&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Um, is it normal to get wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! &quot;SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [''in a very high pitched voice''] &quot;''Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [''in a deeper voice''] &quot;Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You have a high voice, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!

===[[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], &quot;[[w:(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection|(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks look like guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one's not wearing a bra.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, asswipe.  They're Elvis' kids!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I get the one on the left.  You get the ugly one.  [changes channel]

===[[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]], &quot;Sister of Pain&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Cool!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?  This sucks!  Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  Vince Neil's a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]] fired this dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They fired him.  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Lee|Tommy Lee]] should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.  ''That's'' pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
:'''Beavis''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': What does that mean?  Who writes this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!

===[[w:New Kids on the Block|New Kids on the Block]], &quot;[[w:Hangin' Tough (song)|Hangin' Tough]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  They could kick 'em!  And punch 'em, too!  Like [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]]!  He could come out and kick all these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''New Kids on the Block''': Just hangin' tough...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;hangin'.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nine Inch Nails|Nine Inch Nails]]===
====&quot;[[w:Head Like a Hole|Head Like a Hole]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Head]]. Huh-huh, huh-huh. These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:March of the Pigs|March of the Pigs]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Those drums sound [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitates drum sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably listening to [[Pantera]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[Trent Reznor]] starts singing'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock! [''Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
:'''Butt-head''': You said [[w:douche|douche]].
:'''Beavis''': Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''during the [[w:Bridge (music)|bridge]] of the song''] This part of the song sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
:'''Butt-head''': [''bridge of song ends''] Yeah. That's more like it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just drunk off his ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''Reznor presses against keyboard''] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''farts towards the quiet end of song'']
:'''Beavis''': Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
:'''Butt-head''': Good night!

====&quot;[[w:Wish (Nine Inch Nails song)|Wish]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these [[w:music videos|videos]] have [[w:cage|cages]] in them?
:'''Beavis''': Because they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': This is like a [[w:zoo|zoo]], where they keep cool people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Nail (fastener)|nails]] are cool.

===[[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]]===
::''See also: Nirvana, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot; by Nirvana|&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.''
====&quot;[[w:Heart-Shaped Box|Heart-Shaped Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!  Nirvarna rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  This is cool!  But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  I wish I had nightmares about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary.  It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]], and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me.  AAAHHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song's chorus plays'']
:'''Butt-head''': This part rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Rock!  ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You know the bass player in this band?  He looks just like a regular guy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  It's like, [[w:Kurt Cobain|he]] pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?  So what?  You got a problem with that?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That room is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]'s bedroom.  I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No you're not!  You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I am too gonna fix my room up!  Butthole!

====&quot;[[w:Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells Like Teen Spirit]]&quot;&lt;!--The video is mislabelled onscreen as &quot;Teen Spirit&quot;.--&gt;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt! [[Nirvana (band)|Nivarna]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video''] Beavis's dad!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, [[w:Grunge|grudge]] music?
:'''Beavis''': Grudge music is that stuff those guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]] play.  Where ''is'' Seattle?  Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?  It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
:'''[[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]''': Hello, hello, hello, how low...
:'''Beavis''': Hello?  Hello?  Hello, may I help you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' teen spirit?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, if you don't know, ''I'm'' not gonna tell you.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look, this video has cymbals.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is that what they mean when they say videos have [[w:Symbolism|cymbalism]]?
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You said &quot;ism&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Pep rallies suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nitzer Ebb|Nitzer Ebb]], &quot;Fun to Be Had&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
:'''Beavis''': It was here that [[George Washington]] first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': An anchor!
:'''Butt-head''': [''mocking their accents''] Like an ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': Like an ankaa!
:'''Butt-head''': An ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': What you say should be from your own mind…
:'''Butt-head''': What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [''exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [''jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']

===[[w:Mojo Nixon|Mojo Nixon]], &quot;Elvis is Everywhere&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going &quot;I know that's right. Hallelujah.&quot; And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, &quot;Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, you're right. [''angry''] Dammit! I got ripped off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Nixon''': [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]] is in your jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Elvis  is in our jeans?
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has ''left'' my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, oh. Okay. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in [[Joan Rivers]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [''imitating Joan Rivers''] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Go-karts rule. 
:'''Beavis''': When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [''imitates an engine''] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

===[[w:Nudeswirl|Nudeswirl]]===
====&quot;Buffalo&quot;====
:[''video opens with a long object in the dark'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what the hell ''is'' that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, what the hell ''was'' that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what did he say??
:'''Shane Green:''': Sit them out on the edge of the river.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said!  I - I think he said &quot;river&quot;!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Good ear, Beavis.  So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, y - yeah.  [''buffalo horns are shown''] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': ...wolves ''eat'' buffalo!
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what they do for a living.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Buffalo rule!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': Die like hell, but you know you should care...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I...I just heard another word!  I think he said &quot;two&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;two,&quot; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a word.  That's a number.
:'''Beavis''': Well, so what, I heard it.  Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Or maybe two wolves.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  There's a ''chick'' in a river.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, see?  See, so that's why he said &quot;river.&quot;

====&quot;F-Sharp&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] if we had, like, [[w:garbage|garbage]] blowing around in the [[house]].

===[[Ted Nugent]], &quot;Heads Will Roll&quot;===
:[''a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ew! That was disgusting!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that dude from [[w:Damn Yankees (band)|Damn Yankees]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should chop other people's heads off in [[w:music videos|videos]]. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to look all scary.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
:'''Beavis''': At least it was gruesome.

===[[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;[[w:Cars (song)|Cars]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]?
:'''Beavis''': No way.  I mean, this guy's a puss!  But it's a different puss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is [[w:Androgyny|andropynous]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Audrey Nuna|Audrey Nuna]], feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]], &quot;Comic Sans&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Audrey rapping and acting nonchalantly]''
:'''Beavis''': Why's she so bored?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor]'' What?! Again?!
:'''Beavis''': You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's like &quot;Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo &quot;Jack Harlow sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. &quot;Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then I'd be like, &quot;No, I want it on ''your'' forehead.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Then he'd be like, &quot;Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh...&quot;

==O==
===[[w:Mark O'Connor|Mark O'Connor]], &quot;The Devil Comes Back to Georgia&quot;===
:''[as the video starts energetically with fire and other flashy effects]''
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! 
:''[their excitement begins to dwindle as [[w:Charlie Daniels|Charlie Daniels]] is seen playing his fiddle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... uhhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Yea- uh... huh... uh...
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]''': ''[on a hill with a Bible]'' Been ten long years [[w:The Devil Went Down to Georgia|since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet]], and it burned inside his mind...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Look at this guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Who's he talking to?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmm... I don't know. 
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, one of those priests?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': &quot;The sin of pride,&quot; the devil cried, &quot;is what will do you in.&quot;
:'''[[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]]''': &quot;I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that? ''[mockingly]'' &quot;I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... or will you let the devil be the best?
:'''Beavis''': That dude on the hill is pretty cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Travis Tritt|Travis Tritt]]''': &quot;Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that supposed to be [[w:Satan|Satan]]?
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like that [[w:Wolfgang Van Halen|fat dude]] in [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].
:'''Beavis''': They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen scarier Satans in a [[w:Mr. Big (American band)|Mr. Big]] video. What's he doing with his hands?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], and it would have been scarier than this!

===[[w:Sinead O'Connor|Sinead O'Connor]], &quot;[[w:Nothing Compares 2 U|Nothing Compares 2 U]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No way.  Check out this chick.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This sucks.  Change it.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Odds (band)|Odds]], &quot;Heterosexual Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, &quot;Hey, how's it goin', man?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then they'd kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean on the TV?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  ''In'' the TV.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  Okay, look at the TV.  You see those guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's where I saw the naked chick!
:'''Beavis''': Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Are you stupid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Oh Land|Oh Land]], &quot;White Nights&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
:'''Beavis''': She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, &quot;ooh, yeah.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She's like, &quot;uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, very good! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Have another drink and continue.
:'''Beavis''': And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
:'''Butt-head''': The rich guy's probably like, &quot;uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff.&quot; And he's like &quot;if you want, I can help you become a citizen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.

===[[w:Oingo Boingo|Oingo Boingo]], &quot;[[w:Weird Science (song)|Weird Science]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope''] That chick is really hung.
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't funny!  Dumbass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they didn't let that dude back in [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]]?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is like, complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's stupid.

===[[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]], &quot;Sacred Emotion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those beer commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing…..&quot;Step out of the old, and into the cold&quot;…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…&quot;Nothing Beats a [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Butt!]]&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he's a wuss. 
:'''Butt-head''': He probably has saggy pecs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know their dad, [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Osmond]], like, [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killed one of the presidents]] or something?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
:'''Butt-head''': That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Is this the [[w:Mormon Tabernacle Choir|Moron Tabernacle Choir]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I hate this [[w:Mormon music|moron music]].

===[[Our Lady Peace]], &quot;Starseed&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, it's those &quot;Black Hole Sun&quot; mountains!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: &quot;Up on your left is Soundgarden&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [derisively] ''Church''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, [[w:Snake_handling|snakes in church]], and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
:'''Beavis''': I know, but I've seen it in [[w:music videos|videos]] and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: &quot;''Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! &quot;''Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…''&quot;
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': &quot;…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care.  And we'll all join in and sing!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

===[[w:Overkill (band)|Overkill]], &quot;Hello From the Gutter&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I would watch it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Ellsworth|Bobby Ellsworth]]''': Hello from the gutter!
:'''Beavis''': What's he saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think he's saying &quot;yellow butter&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Ellsworth''': Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Beavis''': [''doing a high-pitched impersonation''] '''WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'''

==P==
===[[w:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], &quot;[[w:Simply Irresistible (song)|Simply Irresistible]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those [[w:karaoke|croaky-okey]] bars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, &quot;I'm crazy…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…&quot; [''mock-Chinese gibberish''] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say that, Beavis!

===[[Pantera]]===
====&quot;[[w:I'm Broken|I'm Broken]]&quot;====
:'''Both''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [''turns the volume down'']
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go''] Here we go.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock, rock, rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': [''trying to yell above the noise''] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
:'''Beavis''': I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT?
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
:'''Beavis''': IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
:'''Beavis''': OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
:'''Butt-head''': LET ME SEE!! [''presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level''] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
:'''Beavis''': DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
:'''Butt-head''': LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

====&quot;[[w:Mouth For War|Mouth For War]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Phil Anselmo|Phil Anselmo]]''': WRONG!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay. [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This singer looks pretty mean.
:'''Beavis''': Do you think he gets all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
:'''Beavis''': The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

====&quot;[[w:This Love (Pantera song)|This Love]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so. [[w:Phil Anselmo|This guy]]'s dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. He was like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He was like, &quot;You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!&quot;

===[[Dolly Parton]], &quot;More Where That Came From&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is that chick with those big hooters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah!  [''imitating Dolly Parton''] WORKING NINE TO FIVE!  IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dolly Parton''': I know I've got some stiff competition...
:'''Butt-head''': ''Stiff'' competition?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  She's talking about us.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, country music?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  I mean big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Pavement (band)|Pavement]]===
====&quot;Cut Your Hair&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's &quot;BUTT-WIPE&quot; music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members trips over a table'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: &quot;Soooo, how's school?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually say: &quot;It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool! 

====&quot;Rattled by the Rush&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, it's another one of these. [''Beavis groans''] They need to try harder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is just horrible.
:'''Beavis''': If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like [[w:The Jesus Lizard|Jesus Lizard]]! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think these guys are just lazy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': You poop in the tub?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're disgusting, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Heheh, yeah.

===[[Katy Perry]], &quot;[[w:Firework (song)|Firework]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you light the fireworks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, yeah, I tried, but every time I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katy Perry''': You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
:'''Beavis''': My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that [[w:Dove (toiletries)|Dove model]] by the pool. You are a waste of space.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not a firework.
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [''Kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] I am a firework!
:'''Butt-head''': [''in agony''] Dammit, Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': I'm an [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]].

===[[Tom Petty]], &quot;It's Good to Be King&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that kid from that &quot;[[w:Losing My Religion|Losing My Religion]]&quot; video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Petty''': It's good to get high…
:'''Butt-head''': It's good to get high?
:'''Beavis''': What kind of message is that sending?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own [[w:perineum|taint]]. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': See, I'm always thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Velvet Jones|Velvet Jones]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. He's cool. [''imitates [[Eddie Murphy]]''] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah , yeah. [''also impersonating Eddie Murphy''] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, &quot;How to Be a Ho&quot;! [''normal voice''] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's on TV, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
:'''Butt-head''': He got famous because he's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

===[[Phish]], &quot;[[w:Down With Disease|Down With Disease]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Diving into the what?
:'''Butt-head''': The fishtank, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
:'''Beavis''': Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's a toilet. See?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Fish are stupid.
:'''Butt-head''': They're like &quot;Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. [''Beavis opens his mouth wide''] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

===[[Pink Floyd]], &quot;[[w:High Hopes (Pink Floyd somg)|High Hopes]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, is this Yanni? [''pause''] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
:'''Beavis''': Are they from England?
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [''sings''] &quot;The grass was greener…&quot; and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - &quot;Wha-ha!&quot; - and then I would score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name &quot;Pink Floyd&quot;, and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it ''is'' wuss music, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

===[[w:Pizzicato Five|Pizzicato Five]], &quot;Twiggy, Twiggy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. [''sings in a fake Mexican accent''] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What language is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think it's like…French.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Or Mexican, or something.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [''Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are &quot;taco supremo&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from ''[[w:My Three Sons|My Three Sons]]''! That's [[w:Barry Livingston|Ernie]] from ''My Three Sons''! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [''Imitates Ernie''] Hey [[w:William Demarest|Uncle Charley]]. Seems like a lot of work to me.
:'''Beavis''': [''Also imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Continuously imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and [[w:Stanley Livingston|Chip]] are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
:'''Beavis''': And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [''Imitates Uncle Charley''] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

===[[w:Plain White T's|Plain White T's]], [[w:1, 2, 3, 4 (Plain White T's song)|1, 2, 3, 4]]===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, one of those commercials where you don't know what it's for.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is it for?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's that one where guy's like, &quot;When disaster strikes, you want to be covered.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No no, that one has [[w:Dennis Haysbert|that guy]] who [[w:David Palmer (24)|used to be president]] before [[w:Barack Obama|Obama]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, it's another one of those boner drug commercials.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Everyday, millions of Americans can't get wood.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ask your doctor is Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, double vision, blurriness, dizziness, confusion...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And a boner that goes on for four hours.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

===[[w:Plasmatics|Plasmatics]], &quot;The Damned&quot;===
:[''video opens with this message: &quot;WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS.  YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out.  A warning!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That means they're gonna do something cool.
:[''a fire is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like that fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  [[w:Wendy O. Williams|She]]'s almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she has nails coming out of her arms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Come to Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she's holding a bomb.
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is gonna be cool!
:[''the bus smashes through the TVs'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  Check it out!  This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus'']
:'''Butt-head''': This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And TVs getting smashed, and screaming.  It's got something for everyone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:[''Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
:'''Butt-head''': Now that really ''was'' cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Buster Poindexter|Buster Poindexter]], &quot;Zat You Santa Claus?&quot;===
:'''Buster''': ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Butt-head''': This guy seems pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those &quot;[[w:Cannibalism|cannibists]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, &quot;cannilbulsists&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': How come boogers don't, like, stink?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

===[[Poison (band)|Poison]]===
====&quot;I Want Action&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember back when they used to play [[w:music videos|videos]] by these guys all the time?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that really sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, [''high-pitched voice''] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the names of the band members are flashed onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bobby Dall|Bobby]]. [[w:C. C. DeVille|C.C.]], and [[w:Bret Michaels|Brettt]]!
:'''Beavis''': And don't forget [[w:Rikki Rockett|Rikki]]!

====&quot;[[w:Unskinny Bop|Unskinny Bop]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': And to think that [[w:Bret Michaels|this dude]] used to boff [[Pamela Anderson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Like that would ever happen.
:'''Beavis''': I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…[[Tony Robbins|Anthony Roberts]], he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, [[w:Scott Baio|Scott Baio]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

===[[w:Porno for Pyros|Porno for Pyros]], &quot;[[w:Pets (song)|Pets]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these squares?
:'''Beavis''': [[Orange (colour)|Orange]] squares suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
:'''Beavis''': Geometry's not about squares.  It's about triangles and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': I meant ''advanced'' geometry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys sure got wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker!  These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]]===
====&quot;[[w:Circles (Post Malone song)|Circles]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with Post Malone, in medieval armor, kneeling]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Jesus Christ of the Lord, God on High, thank you for making me Post Malone.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Thank you for making me rich, and have lots of chicks too. Amen.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Whoa, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong! It's just wide open! And his testes too!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he just doesn't care about his weiner.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. &quot;An evil rises in [[w:Mordor|Mordor]], but Post Malone shall not wear any armor on his schlong!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a woman without a mouth is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' &quot;A bad guy now... I don't believe it...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he looks lazy. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the mouthless woman is shown with long braided hair]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.
:''[she's seen walking into a river]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.

====&quot;[[w:Cooped Up|Cooped Up]]&quot; feat. [[w:Roddy Ricch|Roddy Ricch]]====
:''[while Post Malone smokes a cigarette while he sings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.
:'''Butt-head''': When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked. 
:'''Beavis''': If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those [[w:electrolarynx|throat voice box things]] where you have a hole in your throat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made ''that'' cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, &quot;Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch]'' Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he's like, &quot;Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway.&quot;

===[[w:The Power Station|The Power Station]], &quot;[[w:Get It On (T. Rex song)#Power Station version|Get It On (Bang a Gong)]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's almost naked!  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is dancing behind a flame'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Pussy Galore|Pussy Galore]]!
:'''Butt-head''': That's that chick from [[w:Goldfinger (film)|that movie]] about that guy with those numbers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people.  That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [[w:James Bond|James Bong]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;bong.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Power Station''': Get it on, bang a gong...
:'''Butt-head''': They said &quot;bong&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a toilet!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]] it.
:'''Butt-head''': We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': We could put a [[w:Urinal|uriner]] right next to the TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can just take a leak right here.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't have enough toilets in videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need more toilets in videos.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like more of those uriners.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Those are cool.

===[[w:Primal Scream|Primal Scream]], &quot;[[w:Rocks (song)|Rocks]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Bobby Gillespie|Bobby Gillespie]]''': Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
:'''Beavis''': Um…wha'd he say?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you can't beat that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. [''slaps Beavis, who screams''] Don't start with me today.
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't. I was starting with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Gillespie''': Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you know, like, doing it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, no…
:'''Butt-head''': That's the way it should be.
:'''Beavis''': Uh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This like, uh… kinda rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
:'''Butt-head''': There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No, I mean she was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

===[[w:Primus (band)|Primus]]===
::''See also: Primus, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot; by Primus|&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.''

====&quot;[[w:DMV (song)|DMV]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:The Benny Hill Show|the Benny Hill Show]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [''sings''] [[w:My Name is Mud|My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!]]
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe [[w:Les Claypool|this guy]] will spit again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Les Claypool''': If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said &quot;If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
:'''Butt-head''': Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots]]. Kick 'em in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
:'''Beavis''': Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, BBs and raisins and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis!

====&quot;[[w:My Name is Mud|My Name is Mud]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''about lead singer [[w:Les Claypool|Les Claypool]]''] That looks like that dude from ''[[w:Deliverance|Deliverance]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Remember that part with that pig?
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a pig, Beavis.  That was [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've watched that movie seven times.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.  &quot;Squeal like a pig, boy!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Les Claypool spits'']
:'''Beavis''': Spit!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''three fat men are shown in a sauna'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Fat people!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They don't have enough fat people in videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And more spit in videos.  Like, people hocking loogies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  More spit, and more fat people.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Fat people are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Prince (musician)|Prince]], &quot;The Most Beautiful Girl in the World&quot;===
:[''Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check out his unit!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this chick is flat!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you see that unit?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That means it's not a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, she has to be naked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
:'''Beavis''': Really? How come you were naked?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
:'''Butt-head''': [''chuckles''] [[w:oral sex|Mouthing]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

===[[w:The Prodigy|The Prodigy]], &quot;[[w:Poison (The Prodigy song)|Poison]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're cracking concrete!
:'''Beavis''': Um, [''nonchalantly''] you said &quot;crack.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile.  [''imitates the bass line'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time.  I've been meaning to do a tribute to my ''own'' turds.  It's called &quot;Poop: A Retrospective.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hootie &amp; the Blowfish|Hootie &amp; the Blowfish]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That would be cool.  It'd be like, &quot;With a little love, poop!  And a little tenderness!  Plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.

===[[w:Prong (band)|Prong]]===
====&quot;Prove You Wrong&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They should have, like, &quot;Heavy Metal Choir&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Y'know what makes this band COOL?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
:'''Butt-head''': They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!&quot; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Screaming is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! &quot;AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!&quot;

====&quot;Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck&quot;====
:[''video opens with a dripping faucet'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  A little something for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Victor|This dude]] must use the same shampoo as me.
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this that band, Schlong?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  It's ''Prong''!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh.  Well...I wasn't that far off.  Butthole.

===[[w:Public Image Ltd.|Public Image Ltd.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Rise (Public Image Ltd song)|Rise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's beating her carpet.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We should do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It ''looks'' cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[John Lydon]]''': I could be [[wrong]], I could be right, I could be [[black people|black]], I could be [[white people|white]]...
:'''Butt-head''': You're white.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle''] He's got a hair stiffy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of old people is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Lydon''': I could be wrong...
:'''Butt-head''': You're wrong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's ''all'' wrong.  And his hair is orange.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

====&quot;The Body&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this a bakery?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:John Lydon|That guy]] has a disease.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got wussyitis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had an operation?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I had my tonsils removed once.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That means you were neutered, dude!
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, that's what they do when they [[w:Castration|remove your testicles]]!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I was thinking of having my [[w:Mucous membrane|mucous membranes]] removed.  That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember [[w:Mucus|mucus]].  So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool!  Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.

===[[w:The Pursuit of Happiness (band)|The Pursuit of Happiness]], &quot;Cigarette Dangles&quot;===
:[''the lyrics flash on the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': What?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I hate words.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Words suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe Berg''': Your cigarette dangles...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;dangle.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's pretty cool!  You're pretty smart, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==Q==
===[[w:Quicksand (band)|Quicksand]]===
====&quot;Delusional&quot;====
:[''band member [[w:Walter Schreifels|Walter Schreifels]], who resembles [[w:Jim Carrey|Jim Carrey]], is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's that guy from ''[[w:Dumb and Dumber|Dumb and Dumber]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  I think that's Dumb.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman approaches a car'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  We need to get one of those!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I know!  I know!  I KNOW!  I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head.  It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick.  Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff.  It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going!  And all it takes is just getting that first chick!  Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch!  I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, oh yeah.  Sorry about that.

====&quot;Dine Alone&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I wish I had a shirt like that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a bathtub is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool.  It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  I hope you were joking.
:'''Beavis''': Um...y - yeah.  Yeah, that was pretty funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, rule and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.

===[[w:Quiet Riot|Quiet Riot]], &quot;[[w:Cum on Feel the Noize|Cum on Feel the Noize]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I saw that guy in detention!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
:'''Butt-head''': Rise and shine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These effects aren't very special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These effects suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==R==
===[[R.E.M.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Nightswimming|Nightswimming]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! They almost showed that chick's butt!
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, but close only counts in horseshoes and like, uh, lemonade, or something.

====&quot;[[w:Pop Song 89|Pop Song 89]]&quot;====
:[''censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer [[w:Michael Stipe|Michael Stipe]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Michael Stipe|That chick]] has small boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You can tell even with that black square on there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lyrics start crawling across the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': How many times do I have to say this?  I hate [[w:music videos|videos]] with [[words]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If I wanted to [[read]], I'd go to [[school]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks!  How come they don't show boobs?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Shiny Happy People|Shiny Happy People]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Happiness.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Um, uh, you said &quot;penis.&quot;  Just thought I'd tell you.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  Why do you think they call it &quot;happiness&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, ''you're'' happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now!  Feelin' pretty happy!   Shiny.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  You're a miserable piece of crap.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm happier than ''you.''
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yep.  Feelin' pretty good!  [''sings along quietly''] Shiny happy people!  Yeah!  Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun!  Shiny happy people!  [''Butt-head smacks him''] AAHHHH!

===[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]], &quot;[[w:Fake Plastic Trees|Fake Plastic Trees]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''Let's get a little mellow''.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit…he's always going, &quot;I must say,&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then he's always saying he's gonna be on [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]], and he's, like, all into [[w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak]]. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, sure. [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': AHH! OWW!! Um…[[w:Ed Grimley|Ed Grimley]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You hit me?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

===[[w:Raging Slab|Raging Slab]], &quot;Anywhere but Here&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman spitting out a coin'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Gary Coleman|that little dude]]!
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Wasn't that that kid from &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Skynyrd]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, [[w:Arnold Jackson (character)|Arnold]].  Where are [[w:Willis Jackson (character)|Willis]] and [[w:Kimberly Drummond|Kimberly]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if they're in the same jail?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Right alongside [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Danny Bonerduce]].
:'''Beavis''': Danny Bonaduce!  ''Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  He's gonna say it.
:'''Beavis''': Say it!  SAY IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Say it!  Say it, bumwipe!
:'''Gary Coleman''': What'chu talkin' about?

===[[w:Railroad Jerk|Railroad Jerk]], &quot;Rollerkoaster&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah. Is she Chinese?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's that [[w:Connie Chung|Connie Schlong]] chick that [[w:Connie Chung#Kathleen Gingrich interview controversy|called the president's mom]] a bitch on TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lead singer''': But sex!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anal sex|Butt sex]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's ''your'' mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them. 
:'''Butt-head''': I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Isn't she already easy enough?
:'''Beavis''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': [''humoring him''] Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that looks kinda like [[Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. You're thinking of ''me'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. I was thinking of ''me'', actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

===The Rake's Progress, &quot;I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''seeing a man milking a cow''] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
:'''Butt-head''': No, you squeeze its boobs!
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, [[w:udder|that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [''Beavis lets his jaw hang open''] This feels kinda good.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe I'll try it. [''Butt-head lets his jaw hang open''] This is pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own pud.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, was I there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

===[[Ramones]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot;====
:[''the duo are watching &quot;[[w:Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)|Physical]]&quot; by [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. Let's watch something [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:[''flips channel; &quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot; by the [[Ramones]] is on'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally''] Dananananananana dananananananana!

====&quot;[[w:Pet Sematary (song)|Pet Sematary]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Fire]]'s [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Dead]] [[animals]]'re [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:Substitute (The Who song)|Substitute]]&quot;====
:[''the video opens with a man giving a lecture'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, where are the drums?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe this is rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! I think that was him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Joey Ramone|Joey Ramone]]''': But I'm a substitute…
:'''Beavis''': Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, [''a painting of [[w:Kojak|Kojak]] is shown for a split second''] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, she's a slut!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And [[w:Sean Yseult|that chick]] from [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing in this video?
:'''Butt-head''': He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he says: [''disoriented''] &quot;Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

===[[w:Rancid (band)|Rancid]], &quot;Nihilism&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
:'''Beavis''': Aah, shut up Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
:'''Beavis''': I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. &quot;I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.&quot; Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't you ''ever'' tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor''] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''In pain''] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

===[[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]]===

::''See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Search And Destroy&quot; covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers|&quot;Search And Destroy&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.''

====&quot;[[w:Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Higher Ground]]&quot;====

:'''Butt-head''': (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': You could have &quot;I'm a puss&quot; tattood on your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Show Me Your Soul|Show Me Your Soul]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': This ''doesn't'' suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony Kiedis]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys get all the chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Flea is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': I like the skull.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''masks are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  A mask!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's like that joke, &quot;If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, dillweed, that's not how it goes!  It's, &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You mean, &quot;If your dog was as ugly as you.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's pretty funny.

===[[w:Rednex|Rednex]], &quot;[[w:Cotton Eyed Joe|Cotton Eyed Joe]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…what is this?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I know. This is that song &quot;Cotton-Eyed Joe&quot;, we used to sing this in kindergarten.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
:'''Butt-head''': That was back when school was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
:'''Butt-head''': You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

===[[w:The Reverend Horton Heat|Reverend Horton Heat]]===
====&quot;Psychobilly Freakout&quot;====
:'''Jim Heath''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is weird!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing [[video games]] all day and like, drinking Slushies.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jim''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [''shaking''] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Jim''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh huh huh.
:'''Jim''': IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': &quot;DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!&quot; Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score a lot of points.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

====&quot;Wiggle Stick&quot;====
:[''video opens with snakes'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, snakes are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've got a good feeling about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': This guy rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This guy rocks!  He ROCKS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along badly''] I got a wiggle stick, mama!  [''normal voice''] ''I'' got a wiggle stick.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, don't wiggle it here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Get him!  Get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did I mention that this is cool?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think so.

===[[w:Rockwell (musician)|Rockwell]], &quot;[[w:Somebody's Watching Me|Somebody's Watching Me]]&quot;===
:[''a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap on the newspaper?
:'''Beavis''': I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a dog is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those [[w:Labrador Retriever|Lavatory Retrievers]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your [[w:Testicle|nads]].
:'''Butt-head''': Your dentist inspects your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Doesn't yours?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  That's what the ''doctor'' does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': My dentist ''always'' looks at my nads.  I have full coverage.  Yeah.

===[[w:Olivia Rodrigo|Olivia Rodrigo]]=== 
====&quot;[[w:Drivers License (song)|Drivers License]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like [[w:James Bond|James Bond]]? How do you get one of those?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, &quot;Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him. 
:'''Beavis''': No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly. 
:'''Butt-head''': Peace...

====&quot;[[w:Good 4 U|Good 4 U]]&quot;====
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ''[dancing with a group of cheerleaders]'' Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...
:'''Beavis''': You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The coach is like, &quot;Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend.&quot;
:''[as Olivia Rodrigo dances in a room engulfed in flames]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ... Like a damn [[w:Psychopathy|sociopath]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... what is that word, &quot;soshiopath?&quot;
:'''Beavis'''  Oh, yeah yeah, I wonder what it means. 
:'''Butt-head''': That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself. 
:'''Butt-head''': You'll die alone. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

===[[w:The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]], &quot;Emotional Rescue&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think this is [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].  Yeah, yeah!  They're gonna pull that guy's spine out!  YAAAAHHHHH!  AAAAHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was cool.  The mother of all wars has begun!  YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  Incoming scud!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
:'''Beavis''': And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She's a slut!  And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Rollins Band|Rollins Band]]===
====&quot;Disconnect&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar!  &quot;Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out!  I'll kick your ass!  Liar!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!  Those aren't the words.
:'''Beavis''': WHOA, WHORES!  Check it out, Butt-head!  Whores!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Whores rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would suck to be a cab driver.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool.  I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, &quot;Where are you going today, ma'am?  Okay.  How do you get there?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You would suck, Beavis.  You sounded like a stupid dork.  You're never gonna be able to do anything.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street'']
:'''Beavis''': Check out this part, Butt-head.  &quot;Excuse me, hey.  Hey, excuse me, pardon me.  Hey!  Hey, dammit!  Hey!  Hey, watch it!  Dammit!  Dammit!  Man!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups'']
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video.  This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Liar (Rollins Band song)|Liar]]&quot;====
:'''Henry Rollins''': So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …in darkness and [[seclusion]].
:'''Beavis''': Darkness rules!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …and then you meet me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter &quot;R&quot; on his chest'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
:'''Butt-head''': Lying rules.

===[[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]===
====&quot;Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This dude used to be the lead singer for [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].  They got that video, &quot;[[w:Right Now (Van Halen song)|Right Now]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that video with all those words on the screen.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David wishes he had his old job back.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David is planning to kill [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Hey, where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude dances like [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mallomar]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But he doesn't suck as much.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  John Cougar Military Camp.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Just Like Paradise|Just Like Paradise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's stuck in a crack.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guitar is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's shaped like one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
:'''Beavis''': No, that one's on her shoulder.  She's got a battleship on her butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking David Lee Roth's long hair''] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;member.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Sing, fat boy!  Sing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Paradise sucks.  Yeah.

====&quot;She's My Machine&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...who the Hell ''is'' this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um...um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  He kinda looks familiar, too.  Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  Uh, is it Sting?
:'''Beavis''': No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, [[w:One Day at a Time|One Day at a Time]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not!  I think it's David Lee Roth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah right.  Um...maybe it's, umm--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth.  Oh my God!
:'''Beavis''': Oh!  Yeah, yeah, it's him!  Where are all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  It's like, something's wrong with him.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm concerned about him.

===[[w:Run-D.M.C.|Run-D.M.C.]], &quot;[[w:Down with the King (song)|Down with the King]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is a def jam.  These guys are def.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  You mean they can't hear?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Are you down with the king?
:'''Beavis''': Are they talking about, like, [[w:Don King|Don King]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, he was talking about [[w:Burger King|Burger King]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete Rock''': ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  College sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't like knowledge, either.

===[[RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Supermodel (You Better Work)|Supermodel (You Better Work)]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick is hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Would you make out with her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd be all over it!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  That's a ''guy'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way!
:'''Butt-head''': You want to make out with a dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh!  He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Rush (band)|Rush]], &quot;Stick It Out&quot;===
:[''video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that Jesus?  Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I think it's [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]].
:'''Beavis''': Umm...no, I think it's... [''disappointed''] oh, it's Rush.  Oh, God.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating the Rush song &quot;The Spirit of Radio&quot;''] ''Invisible airwaves crackle with life!  Bright antennae bristle with the energy!'' Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you happen to be a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair.  That's a good idea for a video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, didn't they do that before?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''this'' guy's on a pole.
:'''Beavis''': O - oh yeah, yeah.  No, wait a minute, Butt-head!  I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.  He had tattoos, though.  That's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I remember that.  Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's right.  That's right.  M hm.  [''chuckling''] Pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Pole.
:'''Beavis''': I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.  You're right.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==S==
===[[w:Sagat (rapper)|Sagat]], &quot;Why Is It? (Funk Dat)&quot;===
:'''Sagat''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Did you hear that?  He said, &quot;Funk dat.&quot;  Funk dat!  Yeah, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question...
:'''Butt-head''': Queshtun.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Queshtun!
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  STEP ON HIM!  Kick him in the nads!  KICK HIM!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Funk dat, funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question!
:'''Beavis''': [''parroting Sagat''] Queshtun!
:'''Sagat''': Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
:'''Beavis''': Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
:'''Sagat''': ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Question.  Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months? 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Question.  Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it?  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should get this guy on that [[w:60 Minutes|16 Minutes]] show instead of that old [[w:Andy Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] dude they got.  He sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Check this out, Butt-head.  [''imitating [[w:Andy Rooney|Andy Rooney]]''] You know what I don't understand?  Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes?  Yeah. Funk dat!
:'''Butt-head''': You sound just like that buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Check this out, too. [''imitating Andy Rooney again''] How come they call it &quot;[[w:defecation|taking a dump]]&quot; and not &quot;leaving a dump&quot;?  I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere!  Yeah.  Funk dat!

===[[w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Push It (Salt n Pepa song)|Push It]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I like chicks with leather jackets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': Push what?
:'''Beavis''': Push it!  Push it!  Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': What are they talking about, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it good!
:'''Beavis''': Push ''what?''
:'''Butt-head''': Push that little button on the remote.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Jacob Sartorius|Jacob Sartorius]], &quot;Chapstick&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh-huh-huh... white people. 
:'''Beavis''': This is like a boy band, but with just one person. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And he actually is a boy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he looks like he's 11. Yeah, check this out, Butt-head. Yeah, I mean this is kid, he's young you know, when he says, &quot;Hey you wanna come back to my crib?&quot; He means an actual crib! You know what I'm saying? He's young, so...
:'''Butt-head''': You're in rare form today, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah, I don't wanna say he's young, but you know, this chick thinks he's got wood, but it's just his diaper's full. He's young, this kid! ''Hey-ooo!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... isn't it like illegal for a girl her age to be with a kid his age?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a victim. Uh-huh-huh-huh...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jacob Sartorius''': ... nothing between us, but chapstick...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Nothing between us, but chapstick?&quot; What's that even mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'll tell you one thing that's not between him... pubic hair.
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, that's kinda mean. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't care! He's rich, and he gets to score when he's 11? He'll be just fine.

===Sausage, &quot;[[w:Riddles Are Abound Tonight|Riddles Are Abound Tonight]]&quot;===
:[''music starts, then suddenly stops'']
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': What the hell was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.  What the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmm, I think this is [[w:Primus (band)|Primus]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''notices the lights on the band members' heads''] Hey, Butt-head.  What are those lights for?
:'''Butt-head''': That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  You mean it's dark in your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  You know when they say, &quot;Stick it where the sun don't shine&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Mm hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': They're talking about your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh!  I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something.  But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh!  Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  We should go see these guys in concert.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
:'''Beavis''': The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

===[[w:Scandal (American band)|Scandal]], &quot;[[w:Goodbye to You (Scandal song)|Goodbye to You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at these special effects.
:'''Beavis''': These special effects suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
:'''Butt-head''': You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about singer [[w:Patty Smyth|Patty Smyth]]''] Is this [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Nebatar]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with [[w:Don Henley|Dan Henley]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patty Smyth''': Goodbye to you.
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to glue.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Patty Smith''': Goodbye to you...
:'''Beavis''': [''high-pitched voice''] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to poo!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Scatman John|Scatman John]], &quot;[[w:Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop|Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)]]&quot;===
:'''Scatman John''': Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
:'''Beavis''': ''[freaking out]'' AAH!! AAAHH!! ''[convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him]'' OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's the Scatman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
:'''Butt-head''': There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
:'''Beavis''': They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say &quot;Hi, would you like a tie today?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Those places are stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this sure is horrible. ''[snickers]''
:'''Butt-head''': The United Colors of [[w:Benetton_Group|Bentaton]]...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scatman John''': Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
:'''Beavis''': You know, it kinda sounded like he said &quot;Poop&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
:'''Beavis''': How'd you know that?
:'''Butt-head''': I learned that when I did my report on feces.

===[[w:Scorpions (band)|Scorpions]], &quot;[[w:Rock You Like a Hurricane|Rock You Like a Hurricane]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
:'''Beavis''': Nah, he told [[w:Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]] he doesn't really sleep in a [[w:Hypobaric chamber|hyperbolic chamber]].  And he has a [[w:Vitiligo|skin disease]].
:'''Butt-head''': You watch ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?!  [''laughs''] What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah.  ''Right'', Beavis.  What a wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not just a [[w:Hair Club|Hair Club]] member -- I'm the president!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You said &quot;[[w:Penis|member]]&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Let's try to find a video that ''doesn't'' suck.

===[[w:Seaweed (band)|Seaweed]], &quot;Kid Candy&quot;===
:[''video opens with no music'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what happened to the sound?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ummm...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right!  You remind me of, like, [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a photo of a bicycle is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE!  Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is!  That's my bike.  That dude ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...did you lock it?
:'''Beavis''': Uhh...um, uh, maybe not.  These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
:'''Beavis''': That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis, ''I'' stole your bike.  It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week.  It looks just like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay, Beavis.  You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I guess.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], &quot;Rebelene&quot;===
:[''video is set at a gas station'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
:'''Butt-head''': Look who's talking, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair.  My hair's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis.  He's like, wearing some kind of [[w:Coonskip cap|Davy Crockett hat]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis!  It's, like, a squirrel or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]] in the band!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's pronounced &quot;Dun''dee'',&quot; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I didn't know he played.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He jams with [[w:Midnight Oil|Midnight Oil]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  He sounds better with these guys.  I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's, like, getting on my nerves.  It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!  And check the oil, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And wash my windows, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call him that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, buttknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before!  And don't call ''him'' that, either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Brian!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was pretty cool.  Hey, Butt-head.  I might get a guitar.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Then in the morning, you could like, just say, &quot;Uh, I'm practicing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;I'm wack-tising.&quot;  Yeah.

===[[w:Shaggy (artist)|Shaggy]], &quot;[[w:Boombastic|Boombastic]]&quot;===
:'''Shaggy''': Mr. Boombastic!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating Shaggy''] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Shaggy's accent''] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers in a fake Jamaican accent, the only comprehensible words are &quot;romantic&quot; and &quot;bombastic&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Bombastic! Yeah. [''imitating Shaggy''] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What does &quot;bombastic&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying &quot;Uhh, this is bombastic&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going &quot;Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!&quot;, you know, stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [''imitating Shaggy''] &quot;This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Smooth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this accent he's talking in?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass, it's foreign!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Shaggy''] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…

===[[w:The Shamen|The Shamen]], &quot;[[w:Ebeneezer Goode|Ebeneezer Goode]]&quot;===
:'''The Shamen''': A great philosopher once wrote, &quot;Naughty, naughty, very naughty.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating''] ''Naughty!  Naughty!  Very naughty, naughty!  Naughty, naughty!  Naughty!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from [[w:England|that country]] where everything sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they all talk like wussies.  ''Naughty!  Very naughty!''
:'''Butt-head''': People from that country are stupid.  [''mock-British accent''] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bloody well right!

===[[w:Shonen Knife|Shonen Knife]], &quot;Tomato Head&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh no!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.  Anytime.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  This really isn't very good! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Uh, I ''know'' that, Butt-head.  Tell me something I ''don't'' know.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  You know the last time you went to the bathroom? 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...
:'''Butt-head''': It was cool!
:'''Beavis''': I knew that!  I spit it out.
:'''Butt-head''': No, you didn't.  You drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I remember that.  But I didn't eat it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!  You ate the cracker.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I took the turd off and finished the cracker.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah.  This sucks!  Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Shudder to Think|Shudder to Think]], &quot;Hit Liquor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Don Henley|Don Henley]]!  I didn't know he was a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': You ''didn't?''  Where have you been, Beavis?  He's a ''total'' wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me see, um...[[w:Sting|Sting]], yeah, he's a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, who else, umm...[[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]]?  Yeah, he's a wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And don't forget [[w:Jackson Browne|Jackson Browne]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': This is scary, Butt-head!  What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I guess so.  I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  So would I, yeah.  Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': You were probably serious!
:'''Beavis''': Well, no.  Not really.

===[[w:Sick of It All|Sick of It All]], &quot;Step Down&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude should get a better apartment.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
:'''Butt-head''': No we don't.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
:'''Butt-head''': No we're not.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least we have lots of friends.
:'''Butt-head''': Not really.
:'''Beavis''': Are we healthy?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Our lives suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We're cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These dances are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads &quot;The Dillhole&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. Remember this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads &quot;The Bunghole&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Or how about this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads &quot;The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

===[[w:Silverchair|Silverchair]], &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Silverchair song)|Tomorrow]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:More Than a Feeling|More than a feeling]]…
:'''Butt-head''': I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
:'''Beavis''': CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That song's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't the sixties, dillhole! 
:'''Beavis''': My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail. 
:'''Beavis''': I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle ''didn't'' go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I am ''not''. Shut up, Butt-head. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, &quot;Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see.&quot;

===[[Frank Sinatra]] &amp; [[Bono]], &quot;[[w:I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Jack Webb|that guy]] from ''[[Dragnet]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
:'''Beavis''': [''Bono appears on screen''] Yeah. My name's Boner. 
:'''Butt-head''': My name's Boner's dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on Frank Sinatra''] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, some dude from [[Eagles (band)|The Eagles]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, one of those [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]] guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think that's [[Keith Richards]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He needs to say &quot;Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He needs to say &quot;Get in your room and practice, dammit!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You'd make a good father, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, classic rock?
:'''Beavis''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank Sinatra''': I've got you under my skin…
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;skin.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''Laughs''] &quot;Skin.&quot;

===[[w:Sir Mix-a-Lot|Sir Mix-a-Lot]], &quot;[[w:Baby Got Back|Baby Got Back]]&quot;===
::''See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Monsta Mack&quot; by Sir Mix-a-Lot|&quot;Monsta Mack&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.''

:'''Butt-head''': I like [[w:buttocks|butts]]. Huh-huh. Butts are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

===[[w:The Sisters of Mercy|The Sisters of Mercy]], &quot;[[w:Doctor Jeep|Doctor Jeep]]&quot;===
:[''television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, ''[[w:Jeopardy!|Jeopardy]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Uh, I'll take &quot;Stuff That Sucks&quot; for 500, Alex.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What is [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You are now discolorfied.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of televangelist [[w:Jimmy Swaggart|Jimmy Swaggart]] is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out, Beavis.  [''imitating Jimmy Swaggart''] ''&quot;I have sinned against you!&quot;''  That was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:CNN|CNN]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  How come they never show reruns on the news?
:'''Butt-head''': They ''do!''  That's why it sucks!  Every time you see something, it's already happened.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That would be great!

===[[w:Six Finger Satellite|Six Finger Satellite]], &quot;Parlour Games&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [''leaves the room''] It's all this damn video's fault! [''sounds of banging metal can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''more intense crashes and bangs can be heard''] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': The video still sucks!
:'''Beavis''': [''more crashes and bangs can be heard''] This is cool, Butt-head! [''the crashing and banging becomes really intense''] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
:'''Beavis''': [''going really crazy with the crashing and banging''] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [''breaks something''] OW!! OW!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I cut my leg! [''re-enters''] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': [''leaves''] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [''crashes can be heard'']

===[[w:Skatenigs|Skatenigs]], &quot;Chemical Imbalance&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Skateboards are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  You've never skateboarded in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that.  But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You liar!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Lying is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, this band sucks.  But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.  So it's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Skee-Lo|Skee-Lo]], &quot;I Wish&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be [[Forrest Gump]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
:'''Beavis''': That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some [[w:M&amp;M's|Enamems]] and spank my monkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said &quot;I don’t care how big your turds are.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going &quot;I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, &quot;They call me Mr. Poop a lot.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
:'''Beavis''': But um…oh. Oh, I see!

===[[w:Skrew|Skrew]], &quot;Picasso Trigger&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no it's not.  I think it rocks later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...might as well be.
:'''Beavis''': What-- [[w:Marcus Welby, M.D.|Marcus Welby]], what...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses'']
:'''Butt-head''': Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts.  Check this out.  &quot;Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know.  I bet I could score.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe.  But you're never gonna get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I can get a ''fake'' one.  I'd be like, &quot;Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay.&quot;  Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Skrillex|Skrillex]], &quot;First of the Year (Equinox)&quot;===
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now! [''man gets thrown back telikinetically'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.  Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
:'''Butt-head''': …

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad.  He's like, &quot;Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?  Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd be like, &quot;Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see 'Smurfs' again, and then she started warping space and time.

===[[w:Slash's Snakepit|Slash's Snakepit]], &quot;Beggars &amp; Hangers-On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...whoa!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This is ''bad!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what happened to [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  These guys were probably, like, &quot;Okay, Axl.  I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then [[w:Eric Dover|this guy]] came along, and he was, like, &quot;Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they were, like, &quot;Hmm, tights.  Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights.  Just don't wear any high heels or anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...who is this guy?  This guy looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, &quot;It's ''my'' football!  Give it back!  I'm gonna go back to ''my'' house!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Remember that time he shoved his [[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]] up your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?  Cool.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know who else this guy looks like?  He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  He's like, &quot;You got some money?  All the money I find on you is mine!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Slaughter (band)|Slaughter]], &quot;Real Love&quot;===
:[''a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head.  &quot;You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': How did this ever happen?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, because...[''sees [[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''] WHOA!  That's that [[w:Brenda Walsh|Brenda bitch]] from [[w:Beverly Hills, 90210|Beverly Hills]] [''becomes hyperactive''] ''902356781234567898265''-- [''Butt-head slaps him''] Uh, 210.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say &quot;Beverly Hills&quot; and forget about the numbers, okay?
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, why the hell is she hanging out with ''these'' wussies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Bitches are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bitches rule! [''they change the channel'']

===[[Slayer]]===
====&quot;Seasons In the Abyss&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Where the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What are those guys on the horses?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like the Desert cops.  They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah they were playing too loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Not loud enough, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  MOUW MOUW MOUW  ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, look its those [[w:Sphinx|things]].  Those big [[w:Egyptian Pyramids|triangulids]].
:'''Beavis''': What?  I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember like, in [[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|that movie]], that [[w:Moses|Moses]] dude built them?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It was like, in the [[w:1950's|50's]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then he went and wrote the [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Condiments]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Thou shalt not suck.

====&quot;Serenity In Murder&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Haven't we seen this video before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say &quot;OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's like [[w:The Silence of the Lambs (film)|that movie]] we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, &quot;No way!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Like, remember that movie, ''[[w:The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid. That's [[w:Mercury Seven|never gonna happen]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, ''[[w:Alive (1993 film)|Alive]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a plane would really [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|crash like that]].

===[[w:Slim Whitman|Slim Whitman]], &quot;[[w:I Remember You (1941 song)|I Remember You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy looks like a mass murderer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He looks kinda like you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's supposed to be better than [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]] and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's not as cool as [[w:Metallica|Metallica]], though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why does he keep looking up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude sounds like he was neutered!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is Satanic country music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I feel like killing myself.

===[[w:Smashing Pumpkins|Smashing Pumpkins]], &quot;[[w:Today (Smashing Pumpkins song)|Today]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Billy Corgan]]''': Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
:'''Butt-head''': He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': And the Froggies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should like, get together with the [[w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors]], and like, paint stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder why.

===[[Snoop Dogg]], &quot;[[w:Gin and Juice|Gin and Juice]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
:'''Butt-head''': We got to get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Woah, he just touched her boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''to the music''] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [''speaking''] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you're a G for ''gonad''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton? 
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. 
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a ''white wussy'' from ''right here''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you used to go to the ''flea market'' with your ''mom''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Yep, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': …shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, ''shut up''. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': [''mumbling''] Um, heh, oh yeah.

===[[w:Jill Sobule|Jill Sobule]], &quot;I Kissed a Girl&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These houses look fake, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
:'''Beavis''': Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said &quot;Harry Behemoth&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?
:'''Beavis''': I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing [[w:Fabio Lanzoni|Fabio]]''] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
:'''Butt-head''': You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a [[w:lesbian|thespian]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes &quot;Nyayayayayayayaya!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go &quot;WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;, and talk about stools and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

===[[Sonic Youth]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bull in the Heather|Bull in the Heather]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': 10, 20, 30, 40…
:'''Beavis''': How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Counting rules.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Romper Room|Romper Room]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on [[w:Kathleen Hanna|Kathleen Hanna]]'s appearance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
:'''Butt-head''': The what?
:'''Beavis''': You know, the sih…um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against [[w:Thurston Moore|Thurston Moore]]'s crotch'']
:'''Beavis''': HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
:'''Beavis''': Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [''Butt-head does a double take and laughs''] Um, wait a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': What???
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

====&quot;[[w:Dirty Boots|Dirty Boots]]&quot;====
:[''a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says &quot;2.00&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
:'''Beavis''': That's a good deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a woman in the video''] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
:'''Beavis''': I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you should have said &quot;Hey, baby&quot; then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit'']
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, dude, she wants you!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, yeah, go for it!
:'''Beavis''': Grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': C'mon! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': See, now that dude knows how to do it.
:'''Beavis''':

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Thurston Moore]]''': And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
:'''Butt-head''': Tell the story of the choad?
:'''Beavis''': This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It's your story too, butthole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing'']
:'''Butt-head''': If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
:'''Butt-head''': That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

===[[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]]===
====&quot;[[w:Black Hole Sun|Black Hole Sun]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn'']
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's face!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I can make a face like that, check this out.  [''opens his mouth'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head.  [''a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face''] AAHHHHH! AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Th - that was scary, man.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That scared the bejesus out of me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle'']
:'''Beavis''': Aaawwwwww!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Aaawwwwww.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': Black hole sun, won't you come...
:'''Beavis''': Black hole sun.  Black hole?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Black hole?
:'''Beavis''': Um...hey Butt-head, what is a [[black hole]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole.  But it's like--
:'''Beavis''': [''interrupting''] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out!  That's that chick from Whale!  Remember?  That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': So, like...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to [[Hell]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  That’s cool.  So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': From watching ''[[Star Trek]]'', bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Outshined|Outshined]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy kicks ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Chris Cornell|This guy]] looks like [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Christ is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': I'm lookin' California...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Seattle kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is everybody in Seattle cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you go to [[w:Seattle|Seattle]], anybody you see is cool.  We should go, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude from the Spin Doctors.  He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.

====&quot;[[w:Rusty Cage|Rusty Cage]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''Yes!''
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] kicks ass!

====&quot;[[w:Spoonman|Spoonman]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, ''they're'' not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Cornell|Chris Cornell]] ([[w:Ben Shepherd|Ben Shepherd]])''': All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
:'''Beavis''': All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
:'''Beavis''': Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

===[[Spın̈al Tap]], &quot;The Majesty of Rock&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's the [[w:Elizabeth II|President of England]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She jams!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's those guys from [[This Is Spinal Tap|that movie]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Tap rules.

===[[w:Stacey Q|Stacey Q]], &quot;[[w:Two of Hearts|Two of Hearts]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?  Let's call her up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That would rule!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her [[w:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
:'''Butt-head''': Just ''look'' at her, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah.  Yeah.  I think I'm gonna go tie ''my'' tube.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this music sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...what music?  Oh, oh yeah!  So like, um, what is this &quot;two of hearts&quot; crap?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, when you're playing poker.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I have a straight! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Stone Roses|The Stone Roses]], &quot;[[w:Love Spreads|Love Spreads]]&quot;===
:[''a man jumps up and down'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a man dressed in a devil costume''] Uhh...hey [[w:Satan|Satan]], how's it going?
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The real Satan doesn't do videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  You know, I can talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': No you can't!
:'''Beavis''': Yes sir!  Check this out. [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo.  Loohcs ni yats.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Do it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...okay.  Okay.  Check this out.  Um, okay, here it goes.  Um... [''backwards speech''] hguone si hguone. [''normal speech''] See? [''backwards speech''] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!  So like, what did you say just then?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I said, I said, um, &quot;Hey, how's it going?&quot;  Yeah, yeah.  You should try it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let me see.  Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, see?  See, ''anybody'' can do it.  [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.  [''normal speech''] That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you do that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you just talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''how''?
:'''Beavis''': Like ''this''. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot!  I can't do it anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': You can't do it anymore.

===[[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]]===
====&quot;[[w:Plush (song)|Plush]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  [[Eddie Vedder]] dyed his hair red.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.  [[w:Scott Weiland|That guy]] makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
:'''Butt-head''': They both make faces like that [[w:John Belushi|John Belushi]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's dead.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped ''them'' off.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Pearl Jam came first!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, they both suck.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a rottweiler is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': That bear is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, ''that'' might work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna dye my hair orange.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You'd look good, Butt-head.  You should do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Vasoline|Vasoline]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I'll stick around for that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in [[w:music video|videos]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]]''': Flies in the vasoline…
:'''Beavis''': Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
:'''Butt-head''': I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything. 
:'''Beavis''': No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
:'''Beavis''': That was cool.

===[[w:The Stranglers|Stranglers]], &quot;Skin Deep&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Why do people make [[w:music videos|videos]]?
:'''Beavis''': And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? How come?
:'''Beavis''': My butt's asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'll be back later. [''exits'']
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[''turns around'']…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [''sings along''] Better watch out for the skin deep. [''yells''] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [''exits''] Hey Beavis, wait up!

===[[w:Stray Cats|Stray Cats]], &quot;Rock This Town&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Billy Idol?
:'''Beavis''': This is a story.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Then he got in a motorcycle accident.  And there was blood.  The end.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that [[&quot;Weird Al&quot;]] dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Setzer''': Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
:'''Beavis''': There's gonna be a fight?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
:'''Beavis''': Fight!  Fight!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's gonna [[sex|get some]] 'cause he's &quot;Weird Al.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, &quot;Give me some.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[Styx (band)|Styx]], &quot;[[w:Too Much Time on My Hands|Too Much Time on My Hands]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… [''The two laugh dismissively'']
:'''Beavis''': What's this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An old woman is sitting in a bar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Hanging out in bars again.
:'''Beavis''': That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … is this cable access?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': They should call it cable suckcess.
:'''Beavis''' Yeah, cable suckcess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at [[w:Dennis DeYoung|this dork]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What a dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play [[w:Pantera|Pantera]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Her dad kicked your ass.

===[[w:Sugar Ray|Sugar Ray]], &quot;Mean Machine&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This sounds like &quot;Wipeout&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': [''half-laughing''] I think this is…&quot;Butt-Wipeout&quot;. [''laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, that's just hockey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're singing about a car.
:'''Beavis''': See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [''begins &quot;singing&quot;''] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
:'''Beavis''': What's cool about it?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
:'''Beavis''': You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
:[''Butt-head smacks Beavis'']

===[[w:Sugartooth|Sugartooth]], &quot;Sold My Fortune&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [''Hums along with bass line''] See?
:'''Butt-head''': I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's [[w:futon|one of those]] beds that folds into a couch.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''Two people are fighting in the video''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7&quot; or something.

===[[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], &quot;[[w:Institutionalized (song)|Institutionalized]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Cyco Miko]]''': Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Sometimes ''I'' try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways ''I'' want it to, and… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Cyco Miko''': …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say &quot;Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cyco Miko''': …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's under a lot of stress.
:'''Beavis''': [''ranting''] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say &quot;Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better&quot;. I say &quot;Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself&quot;, and they keep saying &quot;Beavis, Beavis&quot;, and like, I don't know what to do…
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This is cool.

===[[w:Superchunk|Superchunk]], &quot;Package Thief&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Their fingers aren't even moving.  What a bunch of fartknockers!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fakers, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Is there a chick in this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...wait a minute!  That's not a chick.  That's a puppet.  These are ''all'' puppets!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, yeah, yeah.  Uh, yeah.  Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet.  Check this out.  [''high-pitched voice''] Hello everybody!  We're gonna have fun today!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Pull your pants up!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, about the mail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think so.  Where does the mail go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Then where does it go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes to the North Pole.  And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Thanks, Butt-head.  You're interesting.

===[[w:Supergrass|Supergrass]], &quot;[[w:Caught by the Fuzz|Caught by the Fuzz]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That looks like that dude from [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]].
:'''Beavis''': That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [''Butt-head laughs'']

===[[w:The Supersuckers|The Supersuckers]], &quot;Creepy Jackalope Eye&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Monkees|the Monkees]]?
:'''Beavis''': They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
:'''Butt-head''': That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, &quot;Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. I don't get it.
:'''Butt-head''': She was a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! [''they both chuckle'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that [[City Slickers]] movie?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Remember that one part where [[w:Billy Crystal|that guy]] like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

===[[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]], &quot;Demon Juice&quot;===
:[''an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm...
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...you know what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't really feel like watching this right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I thought of that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if it's on.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': But if it's not on...
:'''Beavis''': M hm?
:'''Butt-head''': ...who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel to the video &quot;Don't Go Breaking My Heart&quot; by Elton John and RuPaul'']

==T==
===T'Baby, &quot;It's So Cold in the D&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but either way it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is this [[w:The Real Housewives|Real Housewives]] of Detroit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''T'Baby''': I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
:'''Beavis''': Hanging and banging…
:'''T'Baby''': How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
:'''Beavis''': Stacking papers, you know…
:[''The lyrics go off-tempo'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm lost.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…
:'''Beavis''': Bump bump bump bump…
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
:[''The two pause, then resume, their dancing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Something's off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think she was in [[The Lion King|Lion King]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! 
:[''The two resume dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…

===[[w:T'Pau (band)|T'Pau]], &quot;[[w:Heart and Soul (T'Pau song)|Heart and Soul]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Call now for live one-on-one [[conversations]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Share your [[w:Emotional intimacy|intimate]] [[thoughts]]!
:'''Butt-head''': A dollar ninety-five per minute.
:'''Beavis''': Must be 18 or older.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
:'''Beavis''': We could tell her that she ''sucks''.
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's name is T'Pau.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's Spanish for &quot;this sucks.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The more things [[change]], the more they ''suck''.
:*This is a play on the phrase, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; coined by [[French]] [[critic]], [[journalist]], and [[novelist]] [[Alphonse Karr]].

===[[Talking Heads]], &quot;[[w:Wild Wild Life|Wild Wild Life]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I don't like [[w:music videos|videos]] that suck.

===[[w:Tank (American singer|Tank]] feat. [[w:Ty Dolla Sign|Ty Dolla $ign]] &amp; [[w:Trey Songz|Trey Songz]], &quot;[[w:When We|When We (Remix)]]&quot;===
:''[the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Here at TT&amp;T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;That's the TT&amp;T guarantee.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If we don't score with your women, your repair is free.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Our satisfaction is guaranteed.&quot;

===Terence Trent D'Arby, &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah? Liar?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Tesla (band)|Tesla]], &quot;Call It What You Want&quot;===
:[''the two are sleeping at the start of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ughh!
:'''Beavis''': What, what?  I feel asleep there.  Yeah.  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it's [[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Jeff Keith|That dude]] looks like [[w:Heidi Fleiss|Heidi Fleiss]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's skanky!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And she's ugly.
:'''Butt-head''': She's what you call ''fugly.''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a ''fugly, skanky whore.''
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh oh, sorry about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as ''yours,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartcracker!  I could kick this dude's ass!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fart''knocker,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And for the last time, you can't kick ''anybody's'' ass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger.  Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': No really, Butt-head.  I had some last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but then you spit it out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:that dog.|that dog.]], &quot;Old Timer&quot;===
:[''the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And they have a bunch of [[w:corn dog|horn dogs]] working there.
:'''Beavis''': They have horn dogs?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say &quot;I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken&quot;, and I say [''angry''] &quot;Dammit, it's always broken!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Fryer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
:'''Butt-head''': We could put the hairnets on our nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
:'''Butt-head''': You put a hairnet on your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at [[w:Shakey's Pizza|Shakey's]]…
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.

===[[w:The The|The The]], &quot;I Saw the Light&quot;===
:[''Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that [[w:Late Night with David Letterman|late night]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, &quot;Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': That's kinda disgusting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Matt Johnson (singer)|Matt Johnson]] walks among the edge of a tall building'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Nobody has any balls anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no, and I don't care either.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…[[w:&quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile Dumbdee]], and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this is kind of like [[w:Let It Be (film)|that movie]] with [[The Beatles]] in it, where they're playing on the roof.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I saw that on the [[w:Discovery Channel|Discovery Channel]]. The Beatles suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard [[w:Murder of John Lennon|they had an opening]].
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Opening.&quot; [''Cackles'']

===[[w:George Thorogood|George Thorogood]], &quot;[[w:Bad to the Bone|Bad to the Bone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This song is about a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  It's about a ''bad'' boner, isn't it?
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once.  That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.  That sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  I'm sorry.  I stand corrected.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener.  It's pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's cool!  Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  We should ask it, &quot;Does this video suck?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Signs point to yes.&quot;

===[[w:Tiësto|Tiësto]] and [[w:Karol G|Karol G]], &quot;[[w:Don't Be Shy|Don't Be Shy]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]''
:'''Beavis''': Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It is the perfect crime. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]''
:'''Butt-head''': It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump. 
:''[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa.  What's his ''other'' hand doing?
:'''Butt-head''': He's doing a ''different'' kind of fist pump down there. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, there's something ''else'' dancing down there about the same size. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's masturbating. 
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either. 
:'''Butt-head''': Nothing wrong with that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. ''[a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping]'' Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
:'''Butt-head''': Tiësto. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, &quot;Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside.&quot; And then he's like, &quot;Uh, no, you're gonna thank me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.&quot;

===[[w:Tiffany (singer)|Tiffany]], &quot;[[w:I Think We're Alone Now|I Think We're Alone Now]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This is mall music.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]?
:'''Beavis''': Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!  She'd kick her!
:'''Butt-head''': She should join a gang, like [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': One chick from [[w:L7 (band)|L7]] could kick all of their asses combined.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!

===[[w:Toadies|Toadies]], &quot;[[w:Possum Kingdom|Possum Kingdom]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Make up your mind…
:'''Butt-head''': I already made up my mind; this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that a body?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah I think so.
:'''Beavis''': You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
:'''Butt-head''': They should have killed the people who made it.
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Cornholio''] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, really? What else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, what else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
:'''Beavis''': AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You’re old.
:'''Beavis''': So, um, Butt-head, what would you do, like, if I died?
:'''Butt-head''': I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more [[w:comfort|comfstrable]].

===[[w:Tones and I|Tones and I]], &quot;[[w:Cloudy Day|Cloudy Day]]&quot;===
:'''Tones''': But your mama always said, &quot;Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What's she saying? &quot;Mama always said look up into the sky?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': My mom never said anything like that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like &quot;Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said &quot;There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks.&quot;

===Tool, &quot;Prison Sex&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are. 
:'''Butt-head''': No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that black dude. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'. 
:'''Beavis''': Get 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
:'''Beavis''': That's not a moth-er. That's a bee. 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee. 
:'''Beavis''': You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.

===[[w:Tricky|Tricky]], &quot;Black Steel&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
:'''Beavis''': What dude?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, that [[w:Scott O'Grady|pilot dude]]. That one who was like, in a plane and he [[w:Mrkonjić Grad incident|got shot down]] over [[w:Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bogna-Hersnaslovignia]]. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
:'''Beavis''': He lived off BUGS???
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Martina Topley-Bird|Martina Topley-Bird]]''': But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she ''is'' black.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!&quot;

===[[w:Tripping Daisy|Tripping Daisy]], &quot;I Got A Girl&quot;===
:[''[[w:Tim DeLaughter|the lead singer]] is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it'']
:'''Butt-head''': Zip him back up. He sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
:'''Butt-head''': They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
:'''Beavis''': My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, what are some other operations?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your [[w:tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

===[[w:Jen Trynin|Jen Trynin]], &quot;Happier&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa check it out, they got some of that [[w:Kaopectate|Keeyotepcate]] up there, up above that guy's hands.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?
:'''Beavis''': It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.
:'''Beavis''': It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
:'''Butt-head''': You still have it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
:'''Beavis''': Why?

===[[w:Tyler, the Creator|Tyler, the Creator]], feat. [[w:Kali Uchis|Kali Uchis]], &quot;[[w:See You Again (Tyler, the Creator song)|See You Again]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this Tyler, the Creator? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
:'''Butt-head''': You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of a lifeboat out at sea]''
:'''Butt-head''': If I was stranded on a lifeboat with [[w:Kali Uchis|that girl]], I'd be like, &quot;Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, make that four.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]''
:'''Beavis''': What country's army is this?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
:''[Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. ''[Tyler is in a ghost costume]'' See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... ''[the costume turns into a swarm of bees]'' See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy? 
:'''Beavis''': No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, &quot;Don't blame me, I didn't vote.&quot;

==U==
===[[U2]]===
====&quot;[[w:Lemon (U2 song)|Lemon]]&quot;====
:[''The word &quot;MEN&quot; appears on screen.'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's that word they put on bathrooms.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I must mean, like, &quot;crap,&quot; or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that word again.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] appears on screen singing.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Crap is singing.
:[''[[w:The Edge|The Edge]] appears on screen dialing a phone.'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Crap is on the telephone.
:[''[[w:Adam Clayton|Adam Clayton]] appears on screen playing bass guitar.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
:[''[[w:Larry Mullen Jr.|Larry Mullen Jr.]] appears on screen playing drums.]
:'''Beavis''': And this piece of crap is playing the drums.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring.  Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head.  Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahhh!  Ahhh!
:'''Butt-head''': Dillweed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': He's got one of those [[w:Tension headache|attention headaches]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got an attention headaches this big.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis.  Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:One (U2 song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''' ''[referring to the buffalo]'': Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's a buffalo, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this &quot;[[art]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': This &quot;[[means]]&quot; something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something [[stupid]].

====&quot;[[w:Mysterious Ways|Mysterious Ways]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[Bono|Boner]]&quot; is pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': That's because he has a cool [[name]].
:'''Butt-head''': I bet when he was little, his [[mom]] used to say, &quot;Boner, come to [[dinner]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! She'd say, &quot;Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then in the [[morning]], she'd turn to Boner's [[dad]], and say, &quot;Is Boner up yet?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the [[teachers]] would say, &quot;Your [[son]] sure does [[sing]] well,&quot; and he'd say, &quot;That's my Boner.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Boner!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a cool name. You know who has a really [[stupid]] name, though? &quot;[[The Edge]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;The Edge.&quot; What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;Numb&quot;====
:[''video opens with water dripping from a faucet'']
:'''Butt-head''': A leak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''water is shown to be dripping on [[w:The Edge|The Edge]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] The Edge.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's called &quot;Numb.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It should be called &quot;Dumb.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  [''reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes''] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth!  Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tie his jaw shut.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's saying, [''softly''] &quot;Uh, excuse me, Edge?  This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] starts singing in The Edge's left ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': And then Bono's saying, &quot;If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  &quot;And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two women are licking The Edge's face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute!  This is cool.
:[''another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge'']
:'''Beavis''': Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[[''two feet are pressed against The Edge's face'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Kick him!  Yeah, there you go, yeah.  Shove your foot in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yuck!  She just kissed him where that chick put her feet!  That's yucky!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''a man whispers in The Edge's ear''] &quot;Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;Up yours.&quot; [''The Edge appears to give the man the finger''] Yeah.

===[[w:Ugly Kid Joe|Ugly Kid Joe]], &quot;Neighbor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
:'''Beavis''': How come he calls himself &quot;Ugly Kid&quot; and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
:'''Butt-head''': Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Shut up!

==V==
===[[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]], &quot;Can't Stop Loving You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, Van Halen!
:'''Butt-head''': Van Halen kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah-hh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ohh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Umm, is this Van Halen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's [[w:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two football players are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Athletes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video.  'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch [[w:The Nashville Network|TNN]], all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  All they need now is a big pickup truck.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch.  We should try that.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid!  Then you can't get any stains on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see?  'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh yeah.  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]], &quot;I Love You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Look! Look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes you have a way with words.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Why bother? All we seem to get on this [[t.v.]] is bad [[w:music videos|videos]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

===[[w:Violent Femmes|Violent Femmes]]===
====&quot;Breakin' Up&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Dark voices are talking to me…
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
:'''Beavis''': He says [''high-pitched Chinese accent''] &quot;Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And what does the white guy say?
:'''Beavis''': The same thing. But he talks just like me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say &quot;Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Here it comes! [''Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat''] YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

====&quot;Nightmares&quot;====
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
:'''Butt-head''': But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [''Dramatic shock sound effect plays'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks. [''Sound effect plays again''] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No it wasn't.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everytime you do that, it sucks! [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

==W==
===[[Tom Waits]], &quot;I Don't Want to Grow Up&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! It's the [[w:Noid|Noid]].
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! The Noid is cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom starts his signature wailing'']
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those [[w:uvula|uvulas]]? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… where?
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then some chicks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds! 
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds. 
:'''Butt-head''': Satan always likes to have some turds by.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

===Jake Walden, &quot;For Someone&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Jake Walden looking sensually at the viewer]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, you wanna start something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': No, I don't. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is. 
:'''Jake Walden''': ... even whores can fall for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Walden's singing]'' &quot;Even whores fall for someone...&quot; Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude. 
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, it does not. 
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake Walden''': ... I'm just speaking from my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart. 
:'''Beavis''': He speaks from his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Jake Walden''': ''[sensually looking at the viewer]'' ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': ''[does a horrified spit take]'' AHHHH! That was horrible!
:'''Butt-head''': I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. ''[begins to rewind the video]''
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, do ''not'' rewind it.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe you're not listening with your heart. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! ''[Walden looks at the viewer sensually again]'' AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!
:'''Butt-head''': I have said all I have to say.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head... ''[wretches]'' I need to go throw up.

===[[w:James Walters|Jamie Walters]], &quot;Hold On&quot;===
:'''Jamie Walters''': I don't wanna see you…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't wanna see you either!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.
:'''Beavis''': Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, there's nothing else on.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what happened to those cards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, they're right here.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, let's play another round.  I wanna win my two dollars back.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...okay.  Uh, this game is called &quot;Bunghole Surprise&quot;.  [''shuffles the cards'']
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay. [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head.  The pair have now started their card game''] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dumbass.  Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards.  Uh, I bet 18 dollars.  And I won.  So you owe me 18 dollars.  Bunghole.
:'''Beavis''':  No way!  That's too much!  I don't wanna play this anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, ah no!  Okay, I'll play.  Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.  Uh, I won.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!  Really?  How come I keep losing?  I never win!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wang Chung (band)|Wang Chung]], &quot;[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
:'''Beavis''': No way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why are these guys so snotty?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They look all pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And tired!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is up against a wall in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': He's wang chunging.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's peeing!
:'''Beavis''': That's cool!  I peed in the gym once!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  You're pretty cool, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where are the women in this video?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need some chicks, too.

===[[w:Mike Watt|Mike Watt]], &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...who is this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt.  And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window.  So um, so don't change it yet.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees Watt urinating in a bottle''] Is he peeing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  He did!  That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song.  It's called &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess.  You know...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I believe in [[w:Illegal immigration|''illegal'' aliens]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I believe in Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.  You're supposed to call 'em &quot;[[w:Hispanic|Hispandex]]&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, okay okay, sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to [[w:cunt|Hunt]]?  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wax (rock band)|Wax]], &quot;California&quot;===
:[''a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god…
:'''Butt-head''': You may be about to see the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video you have ever seen in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. Ohhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen''] Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing a homeless man throwing a can''] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhohhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
:'''Beavis''': Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool! This is a damn good video.
:'''Beavis''': Ooohooooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
:'''Beavis''': Nooooo…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [''slaps Beavis multiple times'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
:'''Butt-head''': We just saw a dude running around on fire.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really,  and I missed it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

===[[w:Ween|Ween]]===
====&quot;Freedom of '76&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's [[w:Liberty Bell|that bell]] that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
:'''Butt-head''': That's in that [[w:Deuteronomy|Doo-doo-ronemy]] section.
:'''Beavis''': The Bible kicks ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out. It's [[w:Dean Ween|Dean]] and [[w:Gene Ween|Gene Ween]].
:'''Butt-head''': Ween.
:'''Beavis''': Ween kicks ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
:'''Beavis''': [''screeches''] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How does he do that? How does he [[w:falsetto|sing all high]] and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You should try it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
:'''Beavis''': Not really. No, I guess not.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
:'''Beavis''': Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Well, do you use your nads for anything?
:'''Butt-head''': No. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

====&quot;I Can't Put My Finger On It&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:[''the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Umm...let me see.  Check this out.  [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Then ''you'' do something!  [''putting on a slight accent''] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You think I'm just here for your amusement?  You wanna do something about it?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a Greek gyro is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, look at that.  Mmm, that looks good!  I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um...&quot;heroes&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [''Greek accent''] &quot;Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you bunghole!  Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Check this out. [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's not even funny, Beavis.  You have to do it like this.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [''puts his finger between his lips and babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now see, that's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I see what you mean.  Okay, check this out. [''babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Push th' Little Daisies|Push th' Little Daisies]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this crap?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bowl of cucumbers is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Mine has more bumps.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  [[w:Gene Ween|This guy]] sounds like ''you''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartknocker!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That dude's wearing a [[w:yarmulke|Yamaha]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gene Ween''': If you think that I'm a loser...
:'''Beavis''': He ''is'' a loser!  And a pansy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This guy sucks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys got no future.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Chris Burke (actor)|Corky]]!
:'''Gene Ween''': Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up! 
:'''Butt-head''': [''changing the channel''] Push ''this''!

===[[w:Weezer|Weezer]], &quot;[[w:Buddy Holly (song)|Buddy Holly]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': No but um…I don't think this is a video.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think this is…I think this is like, ''[[w:Happy Days|Happy Days]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Crappy days.
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing theme song to [[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'']
:'''Beavis''': One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
:'''Butt-head''': We're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Butt-head''': I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…[[w:Pat Morita|that dude]] from ''[[The Karate Kid]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''Fake Japanese accent''] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude could kick [[w:Fonzie|Fonzie]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I wonder why.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? &quot;Sit on it.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

===[[w:Whale (band)|Whale]], &quot;Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [''forgets the words''] ah, ah…bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': This kinda like, ah, rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's not bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
:'''Beavis''': [''the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men''] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, back in line!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's pretending to feel her butt.
:'''Beavis''': She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
:'''Beavis''': She's probably got one of those overbites.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in [[w:music videos|videos]] wore underpants!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

===[[w:Wham!|Wham!]], &quot;[[w:Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go|Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:George Michael|He]]'s smiling at you, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy always likes to show off his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And his butt sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is one of those workout tapes.  They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is making me sick.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Barry White|Barry White]], &quot;Put Me In Your Mix&quot;===
:'''Barry White''': Put it in.
:'''Butt-head''': Put it in?  Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Put it in.  PUT IT IN!
:'''Barry White''': Take my love and put it in...
:'''Butt-head''': Man!  I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
:'''Butt-head''': What?  You're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
:'''Beavis''': I get it!  It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Eric the Rod.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The Rod.  See?  See?  I got that.  Yeah.  The Rod.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Barry White''': Put me in...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is one horny dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Karyn White|Karyn White]], &quot;The Way I Feel About You&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a black cat is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
:'''Butt-head''': You're looking at the cat?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm checking out the chick, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]], &quot;[[w:Black Sunshine|Black Sunshine]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera is zooming through a yard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cool lawn mower!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Rob Zombie|This guy]] is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is that guy from Rastafaria?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''bright lights are flashing inside a barn''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is briefly shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Skulls are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''closeups of eyes are shown''] Eyeballs are cool.  Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool!  I'll go get the pliers.
:'''Beavis''': Yes!  Yes!

===[[w:Wilco|Wilco]], &quot;[[w:Box Full of Letters|Box Full of Letters]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…wow. Something's different about this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other [[w:music videos|videos]] you see lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [''exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen''] Okay, where's the syrup?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling out ''] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um…where's the spatula?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay! [''Beavis can be heard running''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Look under the bed!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [''walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head''] Hey, how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey. Pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun dun da dun…''[yells from the kitchen''] How's that video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
:'''Beavis''': How much mayonnaise do I put in?
:'''Butt-head''': None!
:'''Beavis''': One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [''long beat''] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think so. [''the smoke alarm goes off'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! OW!!

===[[w:Vanessa L. Williams|Vanessa Williams]], &quot;[[w:Work to Do|Work to Do]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oooh!
:'''Beavis''': Aaaah!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Do that thing you do!
:'''Beavis''': This chick is ''hot!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What are those things?
:'''Butt-head''': They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Being rich is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're like, rich...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]], &quot;Release Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Their parents were in the Beatles.
:'''Beavis''': These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Which one's Theodore?
:'''Butt-head''': He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. &quot;I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!&quot;

===[[w:Winger (band)|Winger]], &quot;Seventeen&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Kip Winger|His]] teeth are whiter than white!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They're...white!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys live on the edge!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The edge of Wuss Cliff.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]'s﻿ theme song.

==X==
==Y==
===[[Yanni]], &quot;Reflections of Passion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Life. What a beautiful choice.
:'''Beavis''': Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [''Yanni fades in on screen''] Whoa, look at that, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. This is Yanni.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, change it, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I can't believe they're even showing this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no. I was just kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

===[[w:Yes (band)|Yes]], &quot;[[w:Owner of a Lonely Heart|Owner of a Lonely Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, that's him, officer.
:'''Beavis''': Book him, Danno.
:'''Butt-head''': Kick him, Danno.
:'''Beavis''': And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, where are they taking him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean, like, &quot;I'm a monkey's uncle&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
:'''Beavis''': If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go &quot;Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No sir! Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're making him fight the janitor.
:'''Beavis''': Fight, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go &quot;Now who's bad?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man jumps off a tall building'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [''The man transforms into a bird''] What? He turned into a bird!
:'''Butt-head''': If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
:'''Beavis''': Cock-a-doodle-doo!

===[[w:Yolanda Be Cool|Yolanda Be Cool]] feat. [[w:DCUP|DCUP]], &quot;[[w:We No Speak Americano|We No Speak Americano]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
:'''Butt-head''': If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''at the chorus''] Now this is the cool part of the song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
:'''Beavis''': No you don't. Check this out. [''Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [''Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other'']
:'''Beavis''': No soy Americano…

===[[w:Gary Young|Gary Young]], &quot;Plantman&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…is this [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Plantman? What's that?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [''imitates randomly hitting a drum kit''] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
:'''Butt-head''': That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes &quot;Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)#&quot;Spoonman&quot;|Spoonman]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, I just thought of something else.
:'''Butt-head''': How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doing what?
:'''Butt-head''': That thing where you go &quot;Heyy,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': This feels good. Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.

===[[w:Young MC|Young MC]], &quot;Principal's Office&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this &quot;[[w:A Different World|A Different World]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  School.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they do so many videos in school?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd ''go'' there!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's worth a try, Beavis.

==Z==
===[[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]], &quot;Rock It Out&quot;===
:[''video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Those black boxes suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a [[w:Women in prison film|women in prison movie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah!  I think so!
:'''Beavis''': All right, yeah!  I'm up for this, yeah.  Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this ''[[w:Chained Heat|Chained Heat]]''?  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this ''isn't'' a women in prison movie.  It's like, they're singing and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  W - what's the deal here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh, wait a minute.  Waaaaait a minute.  I know what this is.  This is &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's just like, you know, &quot;Cop&quot;, but without the &quot;Rock&quot;?  You know, they're just, like, &quot;Cop.&quot;  It - it was just &quot;Cop.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Could be a show about people copping a feel.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd tune in to that, yeah.

===[[Frank Zappa]], &quot;You Are What You Is&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
:'''Beavis''': His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [''blows a long loud raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
:'''Beavis''': I'm spraying. [''blows another raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
:'''Beavis''': Just now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this really sucks. [''changes the channel'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after watching the Europeans' &quot;We Are Animals&quot; for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is still on? That pisses me off!
:'''Beavis''': That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

===[[w:ZZ Top|ZZ Top]], &quot;Legs&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  She wants it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And I'm gonna give it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Billy Gibbons|Billy Gibbons]] has a long beard.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think he has a long johnson?
:'''Beavis''': Does he have a ''[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]]''??
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Don Johnson is married to [[w:Melanie Griffith|that chick]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head!  [[w:Al Bundy|Al Bundy]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ted Bundy|that dude that killed all those people]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That's the dude from &quot;[[w:All My Children|All My Children]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  The dude from &quot;All My Children&quot; killed people?
:'''Beavis''': No, that was the dude from &quot;Rock&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Better change it, dude.  This video is telling a story.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Stories suck.  [''changes channel'']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorization probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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{{mergeto|Beavis and Butt-head}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022-present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It follows the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. Interspersed with the episodes were [[w:music video|music videos]], viewed and commented on by the two title characters.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

&lt;!-- Feel free to add more music videos; however, please alphabetize them and put the artist first, then the song. --&gt;

==#==
===[[w:2 Unlimited|2 Unlimited]], &quot;[[w:Get Ready for This|Get Ready For This]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''': Um, is this football?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''': Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You know what this is?  This is ''[[w:Telemundo|Telemundo]]''!  [''gibbers in Spanish'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking.  And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That guy's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, &quot;Aprenda, [''Spanish gibberish''].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I bet he scores constantly!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what I think I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that.  And then, I will ''score'' all the time!
:'''Butt-head''': Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff?  That would probably work.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Hey baby, ¿quieres [[w:Buñuelo|buñuelo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, &quot;[''Spanish gibberish'']&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, they'd like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This music kind of sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't even music, really.  This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;How much for your organ, sir?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son.  Please don't touch it.&quot;

===[[w:3OH!3|3OH!3]], &quot;[[w:Touchin' on My|Touchin' on My]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Referring to man walking with stereo''] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
:'''Beavis''': Not a care in the world, you know?
:[''The guy is hit by a car'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A naked man appears from the front'']
:'''Beavis''': There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it. 
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they compliment each other, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe? 
:'''Beavis''': See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet deaf people hate them too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm glad these guys found each other. 
:'''Beavis''': I wonder how they met.
:'''Butt-head''': They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like &quot;Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office. 
:'''Beavis''': Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!

===[[w:7 Year Bitch|7 Year Bitch]], &quot;Hip Like Junk&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before.  This chick beats herself in the head later.  It's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  This is gonna be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  You know what this band is called?  It's called 7 Year BITCH!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Also, it helps when they're [''suave voice''] ''sexy!''  ''Ye-eah!  Ooh!  That's a fine lady!  Yeah.  These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh...okay, here it comes.  Here she goes.  [''lead singer [[w:Selene Vigil-Wilk|Selene Vigil]] hits her open hands against her head''] YEAH, YEAH!  HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH!  YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Selene Vigil''': We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what do you mean?  You mean, like, like ''we're'' stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I don't know!  I'm not some [[w:Rocket science|rocket]]...uh, some rocketship or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

==A==
===[[w:a-ha|a-ha]], &quot;[[w:Take On Me|Take On Me]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, [[w:elevator|elevator]] music?

===[[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdul]], &quot;[[w:Crazy Cool|Crazy Cool]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Why?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause I have to take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [''Beavis gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… [[w:Epidermis (skin)|epidermis]].
:'''Beavis''': Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [''leaves again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

===[[AC/DC]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (song)|Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Angus Young|Angus Young]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Malcolm Young|Malcolm]] is cool, too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Phil Rudd|That drummer]] is old.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did Phil Rudd die?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That was that [[w:Bon Scott|Bon Scott]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a clip of a man with a halo is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy is special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing with [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]]''] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Sing it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Dirty deeds are cool.  Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever done a dirty deed?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I spanked my monkey one time.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys always wear the same clothes.  That's cool!  Hey.  ''We'' always wear the same clothes!  I've had this shirt on for six months.
:'''Beavis''': I've had this on for ''seven'' months.

====&quot;[[w:Highway to Hell (song)|Highway to Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] looks like he's taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!

====&quot;[[w:You Shook Me All Night Long|You Shook Me All Night Long]]&quot;====
:[''[[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's naked!  Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Look!  Boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs.  That's cool!

===[[Accept (band)|Accept]], &quot;Balls to the Wall&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You got a backstage pass, sir?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates the lead singer's German accent'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where did this guy come from?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he ''is'' saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Usually, [[w:demolition|demolition]] and [[destruction]] is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some [[fire]] in this video, it would still suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look! It's [[w:Krokus (Band)|Krokus]] coming to kick their ass. It's ''The [[Night of the Living Dead|Night of the Living Bands That Suck]]''.

===[[w:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]], [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]], and [[Sting (musician)|Sting]], &quot;[[w:All for Love (song)|All for Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGGHH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh dear Lord!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHHHH!
:[''the two start vomiting'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it.  This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, the [[w:Traveling Wilburys|Traveling Wilburys]].
:'''Beavis''': The Traveling Dingleberries?  I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt.  Come on, Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.  I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I think it, like, messes up the tape.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Aerosmith]]===
::''See also: Aerosmith, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot; by Aerosmith|&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.''

====&quot;[[w:Livin' on the Edge|Livin' on the Edge]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are pretty tough!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I didn't know girls were cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check it out!  Where's his penis?
:'''Beavis''': It's in his hand, where it always is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  Even though they're 60.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one guy's 69.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks'']
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like Vanilli.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching'']
:'''Beavis''': Hit him!  Hit him!  Hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Just keep playing!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything's cool.  [''Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes''] Aogh!  That sucked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should've waited longer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  [''car crashes, airbags deploy''] Aogh!  [[w:Airbag|Airbags]] suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Rag Doll (Aerosmith song)|Rag Doll]]&quot;====
:[''a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]!
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;Buttafuoco.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do you think &quot;Buttafuoco&quot; means?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;back door.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about Steven Tyler''] Dude looks like a lady!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Speakeasy on the grapevine...
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis,  I thought ''you'' were [[daddy]]'s little cutie.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!

===[[Alice in Chains]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Stay Away|I Stay Away]]&quot;====
:[''video is entirely claymation'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  Boy, they sure look different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll buy that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown?  And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [''a woman's nipple is shown''] Whoa, check it out!  I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...no it wasn't!  W - what do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh.  Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I could go get some clay ''now'' and make a boob with a nipple on it.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Um...wait a minute.  You have some clay?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Damn.  Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob.  Yeah.  Maybe a butt, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Last time, you just made an ashtray.  It sucked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well, you made a baseball.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  So then you made ''that''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But not out of clay.

====&quot;[[w:Man in the Box|Man in the Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Right on, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
:'''Beavis''': Fences are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Especially electric fences.
:'''Beavis''': [''chanting''] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he saw that [[w:Winger (band)|Winger]] video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!

====&quot;[[w:Them Bones|Them Bones]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a [[baby]].
:'''Butt-head''': How did ''that'' happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video I've ever [[seen]] in my [[life]].

===[[w:Alien Sex Fiend|Alien Sex Fiend]], &quot;Now I'm Feeling Zombified&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]! Skulls!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy looks pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [''Beavis turns the volume all the way down'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That's better. [''Starts humming metal music'']
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing along''] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! All I need is clown makeup. 
:'''Butt-head''': I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're cool.

===[[Tori Amos]]===
====&quot;Crucify&quot;====
:'''Tori Amos''': I wanna spit in their faces…
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna spit on someone?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tori Amos''': I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitating Dave Mustaine''] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many [[w:music video|videos]] are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
:'''Beavis''': At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
:'''Beavis''': Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see [[Psycho (1960 film)|that soap commercial]] where that chick gets stabbed? [''Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score''] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch. That's that [[Deliverance|movie about those guys in the woods]].
:'''Beavis''': They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [''imitates stabbing movements again''] REE! REE! REE! REE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, a commercial for [[w:VH1|VH1]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;The difference between you and your parents&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;God&quot;====
:[''video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rats are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Somebody better call the Orkin Man.  [''Tori Amos is holding a candle''] Whoa, candle!  Candle!  Candle!  Candle!
:'''Butt-head''': Candles rule.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, &quot;AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!&quot; and then you wake up.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em.  He usually gives me one for my birthday.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes'']
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is psycho!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man.  I'd, like, stay away from her.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
:'''Beavis''': That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They get all psycho!

===[[w:Anthrax (American band)|Anthrax]], &quot;Hy Pro Glo&quot;===
::''See also: Anthrax, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot; covered by Anthrax|&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.''

:'''Butt-head''': The army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that [[w:Scott Ian|Scott dude]] is in the army.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah: &quot;Today's army rocks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|National Anthem]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, the National Anthrax.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, [[w:The Judds|the Judds]] could come out and go: &quot;'''''I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bomb is shown exploding'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
:'''Beavis:''': Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.

===[[w:Archers of Loaf|Archers of Loaf]], &quot;Web in Front&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Oh!  Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that pig can score, and we ''can't?''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, if pigs had a video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': and like, we were in that video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...then like, we could score.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  You mean, like, with a pig?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  With a chick in the video!
:'''Beavis''': With a chicken??
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's that?
:'''Butt-head''': Just a regular chick!
:'''Beavis''': Ohh!  Oh, oh, oh.  Oh, I see.  Yeah.  Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's the deal with this short dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
:'''Beavis''': Really.  It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]], &quot;Close (To the Edit)&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's holding a wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You know that video about that guy who lost his penis?  He should watch ''this'' video!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not his penis, Beavis!  Uh [''chuckles'']...his Beavis, penis!  Penis, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP!  Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least ''my'' name doesn't rhyme with &quot;penis.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Your mom's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom.  We're talking about how your name sounds like &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]] with [[w:Tom Jones (singer)|Tom Jones]], &quot;[[w:Kiss (Prince song)|Kiss]]&quot;===
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be beautiful...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I'm beautiful?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]] sure is old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's ''white!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has that disease, like [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He got it from Prince.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you just have to be stupid.
:'''Tom Jones''': ...kiss.
:'''Butt-head''': Kiss ''this!''  [''Beavis moons the TV screen'']
:'''Beavis''': I like that song &quot;[[w:Gett Off|Gett Off]]&quot; better.  And &quot;[[w:Cream (Prince song)|Cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;get off.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  This isn't Prince!  This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==B==
===[[w:Babes in Toyland (band)|Babes in Toyland]], &quot;[[w:Bruise Violet|Bruise Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. These chicks rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Kat Bjelland|Kat Bjelland]]: [[Liar]].'']
:'''Beavis''': [[Fire]]?
:[''Kat Bjelland: Liar.'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, assmunch, she said &quot;liar.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Are you calling me a liar?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.

===[[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]], &quot;[[w:Venus_(Shocking_Blue_song)#Bananarama_version|Venus]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing along with group'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm your Beavis!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what [[w:penis|rhymes with]] &quot;Venus&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Um…um…venus…[[w:Venus Flytrap|Venus Flytrap]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks should marry [[GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And they would rule [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].
:'''Butt-head''': They would rule the entire world.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Satan's got back!

===[[w:Band Aid (band)|Band Aid]], &quot;[[w:Do They Know It's Christmas?|Do They Know It's Christmas?]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this fartknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
:'''Butt-head''': He should like, go to the doctor, and say: &quot;''Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH! It's that ''dude''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's that [[w:Boy George|Boy chick]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Phil Collins is seen playing the drums'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a ''dork''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

===[[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], &quot;[[w:Manic Monday|Manic Monday]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these girls [[sex|bang]] elves. Hey, Beavis, would you [[sex|bangle]] her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are the kind of [[girls]] that won't [[talk]] to us.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, these are a bunch of [[rich]] chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they're [[afraid]] of our [[love]].

===[[w:Toni Basil|Toni Basil]], &quot;[[w:Mickey (song)|Mickey]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's ''this?''  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This is stupid!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Dire Straits|Dire Straits]] again?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These cheerleaders are fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is stupid!  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, wait a minute.  Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

===[[w:Battles (band)|Battles]] feat. [[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;My Machines&quot;===
:[''a man begins falling down an escalator'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a [[w:Cinnabon|Cinnabon]]! Maybe some [[w:Dippin' Dots|Dippin' Dots]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [''Imitates music'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His kid's probably like &quot;uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?&quot; He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator. 

===[[Beastie Boys]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pass the Mic|Pass the Mic]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's about time.
:'''Beavis''': HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]] that [[w:Ad-Rock|this dude's]] [[w:Israel Horovitz|dad]] writes movies.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's like, he writes what they say.
:'''Beavis''': You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
:'''Butt-head''': No he writes it down before they say it!
:'''Beavis''': Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
:'''Butt-head''': He just, like, makes it up.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well anybody can do that!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he just like, writes &quot;kaboom&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': How about when like people are like, you know, [[w:sexual intercourse|naked and getting it on]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, he just writes &quot;squeak, squeak, squeak, wank&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Sabotage (song)|Sabotage]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time!
:'''Beavis''': It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [''hums the main riff'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''&quot;The Chief&quot; kicks through a steel gate'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [''Cochese kicks a concrete wall''] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries'']
:'''Beavis''': Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check this out!  See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Yauch|MCA]], in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads &quot;guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, when the real video finally comes out?
:'''Butt-head''': This is the video, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No way! That's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:DJ Hurricane|DJ Hurricane]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Fred Kelly as Bunny&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads &quot;starring Nathan Wind as Cochese&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
:'''Butt-head''': Cochese is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Horovitz|Ad-Rock]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's &quot;the Rookie&quot;, see? See Cochese back there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh.
:'''Beavis''': See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.

====&quot;So What'cha Want&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The forecast is partially cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beastie Boys''': I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating the Beastie Boys''] Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Gardena!  Gardena!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys are good dancers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I wish I was more like them.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.

===[[Beck]], &quot;[[w:Pay No Mind (Snoozer)|Pay No Mind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what's that noise?
:'''Butt-head''': It's Satan, dumbass. [''imitates warbled tape'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Tonight the city is full of morgues…
:'''Butt-head''': Tonight, the city's full of whores?
:'''Beavis''': I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beck is wearing a shirt that says &quot;Rock Me&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out Beavis, his shirt says &quot;Kick me&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, kick him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
:'''Beavis''': Those guys always, like, write words like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. &quot;The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky.&quot; That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…hmm. I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing a policeman run into a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

===[[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gees]], &quot;[[w:Jive Talkin'|Jive Talkin']]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Black Crowes|the Black Crowes]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with [[w:Anthrax (band)|Anthrax]] and [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. They're cool.

===[[w:Belly (band)|Belly]], &quot;[[w:Feed the Tree|Feed the Tree]]&quot;===
:[''video is set in a forest'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Trees.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you like [[w:Tanya Donelly|her]] hair up or down, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
:'''Beavis''': No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis!  What are your hands doing in your pocket?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just looking for my lighter.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.  You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Benny Benassi|Benny Benassi]]=== 
====[[w:Cinema )Benny Benassi song)|Cinema]]====, feat. [[w:Gary Go|Gary Go]]
:''[the video starts with various shots of the groin of different men]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they're showing all these guys' crotches?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is like a masturbation experiment.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time, you know? Because I've always been saying that we need to have more funds for masturbation research.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah really. The Chinese are killing us.
:''[a helmet is put on a man, and a scientist sets some controls]''
:'''Butt-head''': Masturbation frequency dialed in. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[the man starts to see erotic women in the helmet's visor]'' Yeah, you know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use, know what I'm saying? My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you have a masturbation helmet?
:'''Beavis''': I mean, it's a football helmt. Safety first.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is taken off]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You have now masturbated. Congratulations.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You may go, but leave the helmet.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is put on another man]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! He has to use the same helmet as that other guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The doctor's like, &quot;No no, no one's used this before. It's brand new.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why's it all steamy?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a man sees a woman in the helmet, and gives her a rose and a ring]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so that's this guy's fantasy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this, on MY tax dollars?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's part of the [[w:American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009|stimulus package]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if like, when you're done, you can use that helmet to watch like, ''[[w:Meet the Fockers|Meet the Fockers]]'' or something. That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Satisfaction (Benny Benassi song)|Satisfaction]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with a hammer beating on a nail in rhythm to the beat]''
:'''Butt-head''': ''[chuckling]'' Nail. ''[A power drill is shown]'' Drill.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as multiple scantily clad women work construction equipment and dance to the music]''
:'''Beavis''': Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.
:'''Beavis''': What are they building?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like, ''erecting'' a structure... in my pants. 
:''[they chuckle]''
:'''Beavis''': You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good. 
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them. 
:'''Beavis''': They're like, &quot;Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real ''slow''.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:''[a woman working a jackhammer appears]''
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but longer.

===[[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]], &quot;[[w:Love Is a Battlefield|Love Is a Battlefield]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look!  She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is shown walking by a strip club with &quot;GIRLS&quot; flashing'']
:'''Beavis''':  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand'']
:'''Butt-head''': He touched her butt!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's a hooker!  [''Pat's father is shown''] His daughter's a hooker!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is singing in a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's singing to the homeless!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What are the homeless?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's shaking her boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  This video tells a story!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm pitching a tent!
:'''Butt-head''': This story sucks!  Change it.

===[[w:Big Country|Big Country]], &quot;[[w:In a Big Country|In a Big Country]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Those are cool!  I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Divers.  Go down!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This is, like, a [[w:James Bond in film|James Bong movie]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need that short guy, [[w:Oddjob|Handjob]] to come out.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;job&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, an [[w:Irish Spring|Irish Spring]] commercial?  [''bad Irish accent''] ''&quot;I might stronger than I care to be!&quot;''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;It is a manly soap.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!&quot; [''laughs uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I'll kick your ass!  [''Butt-head continues laughing''] Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]]===
====&quot;Punishment&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Nipple]] rings are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys kick ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they could kick our ass.

====&quot;Tales From the Hard Side&quot;====
:'''[[w:Evan Seinfeld|Evan Seinfeld]]''': Tales from the hard side!
:'''Butt-head''': Tales from the ''hard'' side?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Is that, like, stories about [[w:Erection|stiffies]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, &quot;Once upon a time, I had a stiffy.  And I lived happily ever after.  And that's my tale from the hard side.  Thank you, I'm Beavis.  Good night.&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah, me too. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music.  It's metal!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You just don't have any like, uh, imagination. 
:'''Beavis''': Um, I know.  I don't want any, either.  Imagination sucks!  It HURTS when I use my imagination! 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That dude can scream for a long time.
:'''Beavis''': No way, that's nothing!  Check this out. [''Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]] w/ [[w:Onyx (band)|Onyx]], &quot;Judgment Night&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass.
:'''Butt-head''': See, you did it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''You'' did it again, heh, Beavis.

===[[w:Bivouac (band)|Bivouac]], &quot;Cynic&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is boring.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
:'''Beavis''': If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
:'''Beavis''': No, no way!
:'''Butt-head''': You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It was cool!

===[[w:Biz Markie|Biz Markie]], &quot;[[w:Just A Friend|Just A Friend]]&quot;===
:[''Biz Markie is dressed as [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] and playing the harpsichord'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's dressed up like [[George Washington|that dude]] on the [[w:United_States_one-dollar_bill|dollar]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biz Markie''': You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
:'''Butt-head''': [''singing off-key''] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': [''also singing off-key''] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
:'''Beavis''': Me, too.
:'''Butt-head''': I would look pretty cool, huh?

===[[Björk|Björk]]===
====&quot;[[w:Army of Me|Army of Me]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is that, Bee-ork chick…
:'''Beavis''': I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Where did you hear that?
:'''Beavis''': This guy told me.  
:'''Butt-head''': What guy?
:'''Beavis''': This guy in the bathroom.  
:'''Butt-head''': You mean in the bathroom at school?
:'''Beavis''': No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  
:'''Beavis''': There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning. 
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. There's no one in there.
:'''Beavis''': Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.  
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a bunghole. [''exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard''] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [''re-enters''] There wasn't anybody in there.
:'''Beavis''': Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.  
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': Does he have like blond hair?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': And does he kinda talk like this? [''does a bad impression of Beavis''] &quot;Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. &quot;Yeah, yeah, Björk has a dong&quot;. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:Big Time Sensuality|Big Time Sensuality]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  That's a chick.  She's got his haircut, though. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a weirdo. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She's, like, one of those drama club teachers. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like they say, &quot;Be a tree&quot;. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Now be a sad tree.  Now be a happy tree!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Man.  This chick is out of her gourd! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's, like, completely whacked out. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money. 
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not like they're going around saying, &quot;We need a ''normal'' chick to dance on this truck.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 
:'''Butt-head''': I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Björk grabs her crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!  Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch. 
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  You're thinking of nads.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch?  Hmm.  I'll be damned.

===[[w:Black Francis|Frank Black]], &quot;[[w:Los Angeles (Frank Black song)|Los Angeles]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Black''': I met a man, he was a good man...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Frank Black''] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man!  Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera'']
:'''Butt-head''': Quit pointing that stick at me!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's just trying to show off.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who ''are'' these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Where's the fat guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a car is shown running over several light bulbs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Hey, Butt-head.  You know what we should do, like, in the meantime?  We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.

===[[w:The Black Crowes|Black Crowes]], &quot;High Head Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what spaceship?
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, [[w:Hypnotism|hypmotized]] me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
:'''Butt-head''': And you looked like a dork.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these little guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
:'''Butt-head''': They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

===[[Black Sabbath]], &quot;[[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Check it out!  [''screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Which one's [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy]]?
:'''Beavis''': That's him in the [[w:Members Only|Members Only]] jacket.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, that's Ozzy's son!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ozzy's older than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:[''the two imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are these guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch.  They're American.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  That was cool!  Milk poured out of his neck.

===[[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]], &quot;[[w:Galaxie (song)|Galaxie]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I ''do!''  They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis.  'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''sperm is shown in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come there's always sperm in videos now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't know, um...
:'''Butt-head''': I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, &quot;Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, really.  You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, this is Blind Melon!  Did you know all these guys are blind?
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I saw it on MTV News.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I'll be damned!  You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah.  Okay, Beavis.

===[[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]], &quot;[[w:Rapture (Blondie song)|Rapture]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This chick looks like that one porno star.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that ''[[w:Hairspray (1988 film)|Hairspray]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This chick's real name is [[w:Debbie Harry|Deborah Harry]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say &quot;Harry Deborah.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': How come?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this dork!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
:[''Debbie nudges him away'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think we have a winner.
:'''Beavis''': I think we have a wiener.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those commercials for [[w:K-tel|K-tel Records]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Hey, Beavis!  I hear disco is making a comeback!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Just dial 1-800-WUSS!&quot;

===[[w:Blues Traveler|Blues Traveler]], &quot;[[w:Run Around|Run Around]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! Where's that [[w:John Popper|big fat dude]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob bouncing around on the stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl. 
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember [[w:Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids|that cartoon]] that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go &quot;Hey Hey Hey!&quot;? 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [''In wobbling voice''] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy]] was this hot in the [[w:The Wizard of Oz (film)|movie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [''imitating an old man''] &quot;''Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV! Aaaoorrghh, it was rough!''&quot;

===[[Blur (band)|Blur]]===
====&quot;[[w:Chemical World|Chemical World]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
:'''Butt-head''': So? You are too!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
:'''Butt-head''': What's different about it?
:'''Beavis''': Um, it's a different wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna pee on a snail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a goat appears on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh?
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

====&quot;[[w:Parklife (song)|Parklife]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is a happy little tune.
:'''Beavis''': Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, is that [[w:Richard Dawson|that dude]] who's the host on [[w:Family Feud|Family Feud]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, nads?
:'''Butt-head''': Survey SAID!!! [''imitates buzzer''] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was &quot;ass&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it.
:'''Butt-head''': And I have to kick you there right now. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [''scoffs''] ''families''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Daniels''': I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell language is he speaking?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This must be English. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent''] 
:'''Butt-Head''': England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!

===[[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]]===
====&quot;Everybody's Crazy&quot;====
:'''Man in video''': Michael, are you crazy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Michael who?
:'''Beavis''': [[Michael Jackson]]?
:''[the conversation in the video continues'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not. [''embarrased''] Uhh…uh oh.
:'''Beavis''': What, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I think I just pooped in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can probably make any kind of music suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [''does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton''] &quot;'''''Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come chicks like this dude so much?
:'''Butt-head''': There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, &quot;Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:How Am I Supposed to Live Without You|How Am I Supposed to Live Without You]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh!
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Beavis''': UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': UUHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Augh!
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
:'''Beavis''': [''butting in''] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [''singing badly''] '''''THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!'''''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Remember that café in Paris?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': &quot;JEAN-PIERRE!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[Bon Jovi]]===
====&quot;In These Arms&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAGH!
:'''Butt-head''': UUGH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out! What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing Jon Bon Jovi'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Bridget Fonda|Bridget Fonda]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [[w:Baby Got Back|Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I'm a cowboy&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!&quot;
:'''Jon Bon Jovi''': Baby, I want you!
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] '''''BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!'''''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Like the roses want the rain&quot;? [''pauses''] That's stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

====&quot;Something For the Pain&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffing''] Bon Jovi.
:'''Beavis''': But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot; [''Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times''] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] 
:'''Butt-head''': If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [''Beavis kicks him in the testicles again''] AAAAHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

===[[w:Bow Wow Wow|Bow Wow Wow]], &quot;[[w:I Want Candy|I Want Candy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  Bumwipe.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Annabella Lwin|She]] should get naked.  [''Beavis laughs uncontrollably''] Shut up, Beavis!  You're slobbering all over me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's pretty friendly for a chick with a [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|Mohawk]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[Women|Chicks]] with Mohawks are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Does she want candy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
:'''Butt-head''': And some wacky wafers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians|Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians]], &quot;[[w:What I Am|What I Am]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to [[Edie Brickell]], who is squatting''] She's pinching a loaf.
:'''Butt-head''': That's [[disgusting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's [[married]] to that [[Paul Simon|short, old guy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that dude from [[Africa]] that used to be in [[The Beatles]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Edie Brickell]]''': [[Shove]] [[me]] in the shallow [[water]] before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': Huh, she said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again''] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again'']
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
:'''Beavis''': This chick is deep.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edie Brickell''': What I am is what I am…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;What I am.&quot; Didn't [[Popeye]] say that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

===[[Garth Brooks]], &quot;[[w:The Thunder Rolls|The Thunder Rolls]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) &quot;Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
:'''Beavis''': It looks like a zombie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to [[country music|country]] [[songs]] about [[w:whisky|whisky]], [[alcoholic beverages|drinkin']], and butt-kicking?

===Paul Broucek, &quot;Hollywood Halloween&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
:'''Beavis''': Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, ''dads''.
:'''Beavis''': Or uh, nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like [[Colonel Sanders]] was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': His &quot;drumstick&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! [''starts laughing''] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look, it's Batman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

===[[w:Julie Brown|Julie Brown]], &quot;[[w:Girl Fight Tonight!|Girl Fight Tonight!]]&quot;===
:'''Julie Brown''': Girl fight tonight!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, girl fight!  Yeah, yeah, chicks!  Yeah, yeah!  Here's some chicks!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not so fast, Beavis.  Those aren't chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
:'''Beavis''': Hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': and they're dressed up like chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's really dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Boy.  He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip''] Whoa!  Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's cool!  Yeah.  [''girl who got threatened backs against a wall''] I'll save you, baby!  I'll save you!  So long as you do it with me.  It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [''Japanese accent''] &quot;Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style!  Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, &quot;Yeah, she called me a bitch!  And I said, 'You're a slut!'  And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julie Brown''': That's right, you slut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you slut!
:'''Julie Brown''': I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, bitch!
:[''Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe'']
:'''Butt-head''': They should have done this at the ''beginning'' of the video!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Mud wrestling rules!

===[[w:BTS|BTS]], &quot;[[w:Dynamite (BTS song)|Dynamite]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... what? What did you just say? 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' Err, I didn't say anything. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... I thought I heard you say &quot;this kicks ass.&quot; Did you say that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No no, I was talking about something else.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying &quot;this kicks ass,&quot; but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is [[w:J-Hope|J-Hope]]. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like [[w:Suga (rapper)|Suga]].
:'''Butt-head''': You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': ''[defensive]'' I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. ''[leaves the room]''
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... ''[starts to dance to the song]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[coming back into the room]'' You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- ''[sees Beavis excitedly dancing and singing to the rhythm]'' Jesus Christ, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ''[flustered]'' Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on in here?!
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking about something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. ''Anything'' would be better than that.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is my house though. 
:'''Butt-head''': Not anymore, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. ''[leaves the room]'' I'll just come back later.
:'''Butt-head''': No. Never come back. Bunghole.

===[[w:The Bubblemen|The Bubblemen]], &quot;The Bubblemen Are Coming&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
:'''Butt-head''': No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
:'''Beavis''': Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wuss.
:'''Beavis''': [''a Bubbleman stares at the television''] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
:'''Butt-head''': How can you be scared of these guys?
:'''Beavis''': You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going &quot;Doing doing doing doing doing&quot;, and then they get medieval on my ass. [''a Bubbleman waves''] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [''the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones''] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
:'''Beavis''': Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [''the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball''] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wussy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

===[[w:The Bucketheads|The Bucketheads]], &quot;[[w:The Bomb (These Sounds Fall into My Mind)|The Bomb]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…who's this?
:'''Beavis''': This is Buk-a-hey!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the man in the video is seen with two women'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
:'''Beavis''': Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
:'''Beavis''': [''quickly''] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

===[[w:Built to Spill|Built to Spill]], &quot;In the Morning&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, so what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…[[w:Monica Seles|Monica Seles]].
:'''Butt-head''': How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well you know, I like to watch the [[w:Wimbledon|Wilbumdon]]. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, [[w:Steffi Graf|Stiffy Graf]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [''sings''] &quot;[[w:Stand (R.E.M. song)|Stand in the place where you live]],&quot; …yeah, that's what this was in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything sucks.

===[[Kate Bush]], &quot;Love and Anger&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, what is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Get up!
:'''Beavis''': Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': I wish she would stand up and leave.
:'''Beavis''': And I wish the music would stop too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
:[''Glitter begins to fall on her'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And she ''still'' won't get up.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe she's inside one of [[w:snowglobe|those things]], you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I like to break those.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap she's holding?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
:'''Butt-head''': …tools?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey check out those guys!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like someone said, &quot;Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this chick would just quit whining.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

===[[David Byrne]], &quot;Angels&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing''] [[w:Pinball Wizard|Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do [[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|this song]] before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  But he has long hair now.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no.  That's not what I said.  [''imitates the Talking Heads song &quot;Once in a Lifetime&quot;''] And you may ask yourself!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you may spank yourself!
:'''Butt-head''': And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
:'''Beavis''': And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!  And you may ask her, &quot;Where's the bathroom at?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David Byrne''': I can barely touch my own self...
:'''Butt-head''': He can't ''touch'' himself?
:'''Beavis''': Um... th - that's not really very funny.  I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to ''me'', could it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:[''the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head'']
:'''Beavis''': H - h - hey, wait!  W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a chick, was it?
:'''Beavis''': I think it ''was'', Butt-head.  I think a saw a couple boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis!  It'll give you a good buzz.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==C==
===[[w:Camila Cabello|Camila Cabello]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Yet|Don't Go Yet]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with Camila getting greeted at the door by her family, kissing the side of her face without contacting her face]''
:'''Butt-head''': They missed.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing. 
:'''Butt-head''': They're never gonna score. 
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, ''I'd'' score with them. I would ''not'' miss.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': When is Thanksgiving?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that's right. 
:'''Butt-head''': Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I mean a ''lot'' of dudes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, ''hundreds'' of dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say &quot;Beavis's mom.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They're like, &quot;See? It's easy!&quot; Come on, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.  
:'''Butt-head''': Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. I stand corrected. 
:'''Beavis''': Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, &quot;Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.

===[[w:Cage the Elephant|Cage the Elephant]], &quot;[[w:In One Ear (song)|In One Ear]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, check it out!  An Indian!
:'''Beavis''': You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And the principal didn't know either!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you know what &quot;Cage the Elephant&quot; means?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything means that!   But uh, in this case, it does.
:[''laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That guy just caged his elephant!

===[[w:California Raisins|California Raisins]], &quot;Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this? This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': They look kinda like turds!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
:'''Beavis''': They'd say: &quot;''I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!''&quot; It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of camels are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
:'''Butt-head''': Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'd say: &quot;''Drown you fecal matter!''&quot;

===Camino, &quot;Burning Fire&quot;===
:'''Song Intro''': We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is this like, choir music?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called &quot;Burning ''Fffire''&quot;, so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know. 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure hope so. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a woman shows her husband a pregnancy test]''
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, &quot;Oh, you've got [[w:COVID-19|COVID]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, &quot;Let's go celebrate!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.
:'''Beavis''': Side effects may include a burning fffire!
:'''Butt-head''': Camino is not suitable for anybody.  Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[an older couple is shown on screen, upset at something]''
:'''Beavis''': See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, &quot;He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;We did our best, honey, and he's still singing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.

===[[w:Cannibal Corpse|Cannibal Corpse]], &quot;Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''immitating the singer's growl''] OAAAA!  DAAAAUUUUGH!  Yeah.  It's like, everybody sings like this now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head!  It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.  
:'''Butt-head''': You go to pep rallies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably.  But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

===[[w:Carcass (band)|Carcass]], &quot;Heartwork&quot;===
:[''the band members have long blonde hair'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh…why would they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
:'''Beavis''': So like, um, how would you take a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
:'''Beavis''': Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This buttmunch sounds like [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What a buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
:'''Butt-head''': He did?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees a man being crucified''] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [''screams''] &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

===[[w:Cardi B|Cardi B]], &quot;[[w:WAP (song)|WAP]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Ski''': Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She was like, &quot;Can I answer any questions about the property?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yes there are, there are several whores in this house.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cardi B''' Macaroni in a pot, that's so wet and gushy...
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, &quot;Damp Vagina&quot;, well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, &quot;Damp Vagina.&quot;  Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well I wish we had some whores in ''this'' house. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.

===Carnival Art, &quot;Mr. Blue Veins&quot;===
:[''video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, is he gonna vomit?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT!  VOMIT!  VOMIT, DAMMIT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': When he was six weeks...
:'''Butt-head''': Buttcheeks?
:'''Beavis''': WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?  Buttcheeks?
:'''Butt-head''': They didn't ''show'' buttcheeks, dumbass, he just ''said'' &quot;buttcheeks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': Mr. Blue Veins...
:'''Butt-head''': Mr. Blue Vein?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  I have a blue vein.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Hey, Butt-head.  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': UGHH!
:'''Beavis''': Come on, hey Butt-head!  Butt-head!  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

===[[w:Sabrina Carpenter|Sabrina Carpenter]], &quot;[[w:Skinny Dipping (song)|Skinny Dipping]]&quot;===
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Uh...
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ...say, &quot;How's your family? How's your sister?&quot; I'll say, &quot;Shannon's being Shannon.&quot; After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...
:'''Beavis''': Does she know that the video's started yet?
:'''Butt-head''': She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait a second... &quot;swimming on the edge of a cliff&quot;? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that? 
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ... We've been swimming...
:'''Beavis''': Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool.  Yeah I don't understand it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-
:'''Butt-head''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Uhh, anyway Beavis-
:'''Beavis''': Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...
:'''Butt-head''': She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say &quot;Well, how was your day?&quot; and then she'd be like &quot;Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...
:'''Beavis''': I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. ''[Butt-head looks incredibly agitated]'' One of those infinite pools or something, but-
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you. 
:'''Beavis''': Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is [[w: Montgomery Clift|Montgomery Clift]]. Now if he had a pool at his house- ''[Butt-head smacks Beavis]'' AHHH!

===[[Johnny Cash]], &quot;[[w:Delia Green|Delia's Gone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who is this dude?  He looks familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, [[w:Captain Kangaroo|Captain Kangaroo]]!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Captain ''what?''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Captain Kangaroo.  You know, [[w:Mr. Green Jeans|Mr. Green Jeans]] and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.  Yeah.  You know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black. 
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, yeah.  Plus he's old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': Kind of evil make me want to grab my [[w:submachine gun|submachine]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  This is pretty violent. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny Cash''': First time I shot her...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He shouldn't have shot that chick!  She's pretty hot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': I would've taken her off his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know what he should have done?  He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away.  And then, like, and then I could score.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I know.  That's why I was suggesting it.  Yeah.

===[[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy]], &quot;Lyin' To Myself&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is that Keith dude!  From the [[w:The Partridge Family|Family]].
:'''Beavis''': You mean [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Bonaduce]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  This is his big brother.  Keith.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Keith Bonaduce!  Bonaduce.  Bonaduce.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that was on [[w:Pay-per-view|Pay-per-view]], Beavis.  We don't get that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later.  It was cool.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, [[w:Geraldo (TV series)#Brawl|threw a chair at him and broke his nose]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
:'''Butt-head''': That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  And then like, [[w:Suzanne Crough|Tracy]] could kick him in the nads. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, [[w:Jeremy Gelbwaks|Chris]] could stick his drumstick up his butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': And then Geraldo would be saying, &quot;That's no fair, there's two Chris's!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating [[w:Michael Buffer|Michael Buffer]]''] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

===[[w:Chavez (band)|Chavez]], &quot;Break Up Your Band&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That dude looks kinda funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
:'''Beavis''': What is this, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is kinda cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
:'''Beavis''': We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, &quot;Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say &quot;Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?&quot; That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, this [[w:music video|video's]] cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no thanks!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're into lions, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
:'''Butt-head''': Everybody sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, everybody is stupid!

===[[Cheech &amp; Chong]]===
====&quot;Get Out of My Room&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech &amp; Chong?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Cheech &amp; Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  That was cool.  Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''sings in a deep voice''] &quot;I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And the guy keeps going, [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.  Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Yeah.  &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Uh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;Gonna see my gal, uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to do songs like that again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever happened to that album?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I broke it, remember?  I slammed it against the wall.  It like, shattered.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.

====&quot;I'm Not Home Right Now&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.  That's pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You think he has morning wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got a breakfast burrito. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates Mexican accent''] And a [[w:Chimichanga|chimichanga]]!  Chimichanga!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] is surrounded by five women on the beach'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head!  How did ''that'' dude get all those chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass.  His name is Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah, Cheech &amp; Schlong.  I forgot about that.  You know what?  Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===Chick, &quot;Malibu&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what this chick's name is? 
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to &quot;Dude&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or maybe you could change it to &quot;Dumbass&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's supposed to be like in high school or something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now. 
:'''Beavis''': Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

===[[w:Cinderella (band)|Cinderella]], &quot;Somebody Save Me&quot;===
:[''two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Beavis''': [''joining in''] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
:'''Butt-head''': Why is this dork here? [''mocking the lead singer's expression''] &quot;''Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is like: &quot;''Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's poodle hair!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: &quot;''Could you just, like, make it more poofy?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;''But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No wonder you're such a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: &quot;''All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes are like: &quot;''Look at me, I'm kicking!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;''Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
:'''[[w:Tom Keifer|Tom Keifer]]''': So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
:'''Butt-head''': [''mockingly''] &quot;''So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh.''&quot;
:[''the two girls return and run towards the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh.
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh.
:'''Beavis''': Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [''mock laughter'']

===[[w:Circle Jerks|Circle Jerks]], &quot;I Wanna Destroy You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These guys are in a trash truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Somebody probably threw 'em away.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think it's the [[w:Village People|Village People]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps saying &quot;I wanna destroy you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?  Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't know, Butt-head.  I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  I could come up with stuff like this.
:'''Beavis''': Okay.  Let's see you write a song.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay. Uh, let's see.  Uh...I wanna hit you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I wanna ''kick'' you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, and then I want some nachos.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Baby.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That's pretty good, Butt-head!  We should start a band!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.

===[[w:CIV|CIV]], &quot;Can't Wait One Minute More&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Alright, [[w:Montel Williams|Montel Williams]]! Maybe they'll have some whores.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or some sluts!
:'''Beavis''': Or a girlfight. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or some skank-hos!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': …yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, see you later Beavis. [''Gets up from couch and walks away'']
:'''Beavis''': Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, &quot;give it a chance?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay. [''sits back down''] At least it doesn't look like a video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, [[w:The Jerry Springer Show|The Jerry Springer Show]], Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, &quot;I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!&quot; [''makes drunken sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': It would be like, &quot;I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass.&quot; Next on Montel Williams.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

===[[w:The Clash|The Clash]], &quot;[[w:Should I Stay or Should I Go|Should I Stay or Should I Go]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think it's [[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like back before he had his [[Seinfeld|show]].  It's like, you know...[[w:Queen Latifah|Queen Latifah]] used to do videos, and now she has [[w:Living Single|a show]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I like the [[w:Newman (Seinfeld)|fat dude]] on Seinfeld.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think he replaced the drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that [[w:The Contest|episode]] where they were talking about [[masturbation|choking their chicken]]?
:'''Beavis''':  Oh yeah.  I thought they were talking about ''not'' choking their chicken.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  I liked that [[w:The Pick|episode]] where you can see [[w:Elaine Benes|Elaine]]'s boobs on the Christmas card.
:'''Beavis''':  Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah, you could see her boobs.  TV needs more of that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They need more stuff like that on TV.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  LOUD, LOUD!  Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
:'''Butt-head''': If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Do that, then.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Color Me Badd|Color Me Badd]], &quot;[[w:I Wanna Sex You Up|I Wanna Sex You Up]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  AAAH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGH!
:'''Beavis''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Butt-head''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that group with [[George Michael]], and [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G]], and [[w:Snow (musician)|Snow]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's a super-suck-group!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You think if ''I'' sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you ''look'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ...and you ''talk'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is irritating!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Comateens|Comateens]], &quot;The Late Mistake&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
:'''Butt-head''': Here we go again.
:'''Beavis''': This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Imitating lead singer''] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh God.
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is the problem with this crap?
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Sees a note that says Don't try to follow''] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''in time with the song''] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
:'''Butt-head''': If those were the words, it'd be cool!
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of writing a song called &quot;Damn it, Son of a bitch!&quot; And it's gonna go something like &quot;Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer hides herself in a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Two men are trying to open a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
:'''Beavis''': They're using [[w:Crowbar (US band)|Crowbar]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should get that [[w:Kirk Windstein|big fat dude]] from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

===[[w:Compulsion (band)|Compulsion]], &quot;Delivery&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…water! Wa-ter!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, there's some water. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of these [[w:music videos|videos]] where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [''Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation''] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no.
:'''Beavis''': So um…what's on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, let's see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [''The video comes back on''] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

===[[w:Coolio|Coolio]], &quot;[[w:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]&quot;===
:'''[[Michelle Pfeiffer]]''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You wanna tell me what this is all about?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. This is from [[w:Dangerous Minds (film)|that movie]] where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and it's like, you know, she &quot;makes a difference&quot; or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's really stupid. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
:'''Beavis''': Uh-huh.
:'''Butt-head''': …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, a while ago when Coolio said &quot;I see myself in the pistol smoke&quot;, he stole that from [[Snoop Dogg|Snoop Doggy Dogg]].

===[[Alice Cooper]], &quot;Lost in America&quot;===
:'''Alice Cooper''': I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really!
:'''Alice''': I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Me neither.
:'''Butt-head''': Me neither. 
:'''Alice''': I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Life sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alice''': I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
:'''Butt-head''': Preach on, brother Cooper.
:'''Beavis''': Mmhmm, I know that's right.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Mmmhmm, I heard that.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
:'''Butt-head''': He doesn't get cable?
:'''Beavis''': What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
:'''Beavis''': He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

===[[w:Corrosion of Conformity|Corrosion of Conformity]], &quot;Clean My Wounds&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
:'''Butt-head''': Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': All these [[w:music videos|videos]] nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, and they're all weird.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
:'''Butt-head''': Frank.
:'''Beavis''': Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

===[[w:Coverdale•Page|Coverdale•Page]], &quot;Pride and Joy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it's like, they always do that.  But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, [[w:David Coverdale|that dude]] has hips like a woman!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again.  [''chuckles''] I said &quot;put out.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves.  And just do the same stuff over and over.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;eat themselves.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Rep-''eat themselves''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, I thought this ''was'' the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no, Beavis!  This is, like, the ''making'' of the video.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  They should just, like, show the video because, like, ''this'' thing sucks!

===[[w:The Cramps|The Cramps]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bikini Girls with Machine Guns|Bikini Girls with Machine Guns]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that guy from [[Cheers]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that [[w:Sam Malone|Sam Malone]] guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has [[w:bikini|bikini]] girls and [[w:machine guns|machine guns]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If only all videos could be like this.

====&quot;[[w:Ultra Twist!|Ultra Twist!]]&quot;====
:'''Narrator''': And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is [[w:Tales From the Crypt|Tales From the Crypt]]! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
:'''Butt-head''': You're a prevert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [''imitating the Crypt Keeper''] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
:'''Beavis''': Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, [''imitating an old lady''] &quot;I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?&quot; [''coughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then you're like, &quot;Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
:'''Butt-head''': And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': &quot;Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

===[[w:Crowbar (American band)|Crowbar]]===
====&quot;All I Had (I Gave)&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [[w:Kirk Windstein|This dude]] looks like that assistant football coach.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many fat dudes are there in this band?
:'''Beavis''': Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's having trouble defecating.
:'''Kirk Windstein''': '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)'''''
:'''Beavis''': Uh, not anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He just took a dump!

====&quot;Existence Is Punishment&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's Crowbar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  They're always taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kirk Windstein''': I gave my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Kirk Windstein''': ...and soul to you!
:'''Butt-head''': He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is slow and fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get ''fat!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And then every now and then, you just go, &quot;I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then you just sit there and get fat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, a love song.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  It is [[w:It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)|a love song so divine]].  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown shouting in the crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': Did you see that guy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Must be his first concert.
:'''Beavis''': His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon. 
:'''Butt-head''': She said, &quot;Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!

===[[w:Julee Cruise|Julee Cruise]], &quot;Rockin' Back Inside My Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. Is this [[w:Eurythmics|The Eurythmics]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Julee is singing from an open trunk'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This reminds me of that part in ''[[Goodfellas]]'' where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
:'''Beavis''': Remember that one part where he goes &quot;What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!&quot; Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, then [[w:Ray Liotta|that guy]] wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
:'''Beavis''': That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You wussed out too.

===[[w:The Cult|The Cult]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fire Woman|Fire Woman]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cult rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, [[w:Videocassette recorder|CPRs]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Those things are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wish ''I'' was born with a tattoo.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em.  You get 'em when you join the [[Navy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  You could have &quot;I'm a wuss&quot; tattooed across your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lead singer [[w:Ian Astbury|Ian Astbury]] is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage'']
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna [[w:Vomiting|boot]] on someone!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna boot!

====&quot;Lil' Devil&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': This rocks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish I could rock like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They rock!  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground.  Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [''imitates the [[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]] riff''] &quot;Dun-dun-da-dun-dun!  Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Ian Astbury|He]]'s wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Culture Club|Culture Club]], &quot;[[w:Karma Chameleon|Karma Chameleon]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is a very gay tune.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You mean, like, happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy George''': I'm a man...
:'''Butt-head''': You're a man?  No way!
:'''Beavis''': He's not even a boy.
:'''Butt-head''': He's Boy George.  This video needs some, like, car accidents.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, with lots of [[fire]].  Then it would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is this supposed to be, like, in the [[future]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The future sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Cure|The Cure]], &quot;Caterpillar&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at [[w:Chuck E. Cheese's|Chuck E. Cheese's]]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! They sucked.
:'''Beavis''': I kept banging on the glass and saying &quot;STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come [[Robert Smith (musician)|this guy]] won't look at the camera?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! That pisses me off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
:'''Butt-head''': How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [''wails''] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His lipstick's on crooked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Wails in imitation again''] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
:'''Beavis''': If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

===[[w:Curve (band)|Curve]], &quot;Missing Link&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah.  A chick in the rain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And a dog.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess that's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Water, water, WATER!  WATER!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Toni Halliday|That chick]] needs a raincoat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Hey, Beavis.  Do you like, uh...have a [[w:Condom|raincoat]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...when was the last time you used it?
:'''Beavis''': Last night!  On your mom!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  [''he and Beavis start fighting'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey,  Butt-head. You know how like when it rains, like &lt;?&gt; on the street and like, all of those worms come out and you step on them and they go pizzzhhhfff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Mud is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Mud rules. How come these guys are like playing out in the mud?
:'''Butt-head''': Err... Well, it's either because they're really stupid or really cool.

==D==
===[[w:Michael Damian|Michael Damian]], &quot;[[w:Rock On (David Essex song)|Rock On]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this a commercial for?
:'''Beavis''': This is that deodorant commercial.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's 'cause this guy stinks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And he sucks, too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this dude on some soap opera?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's on &quot;As the World Sucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video should have a warning label.  &quot;Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!  Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danger Danger|Danger Danger]], &quot;Naughty Naughty&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit!  If this is [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]], I'm gonna-- [''the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off''] Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Her back's all bent out of shape!  What's wrong?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.  You butthole.  When you see a chick in a window like that...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head.  I think she was, like, injured.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, whatever it was, it gave ''me'' a stiffy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, &quot;Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?&quot;  And then I hung up!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
:'''Beavis''': It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danzig|Danzig]]===
====&quot;Cantspeak&quot;====
:[''round, steel balls are shown dropping'']
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Plop&quot;. &quot;Plop&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
:'''Beavis''': I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, &quot;The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!&quot; In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they will go &quot;plop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that &quot;pearl formula weight gain&quot; powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out his eyes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. [''starts smacking Beavis repeatedly'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just ''stops''! Like, just, out of nowhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-[''the video ends'']

====&quot;How the Gods Kill&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes less intense'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, man!  This part sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': For such a [[w:Glenn Danzig|big, muscular dude]], he sure sings like a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!  Rock, dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes more intense'']
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time they stopped being wimpy!

====&quot;Mother&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

====&quot;Mother '93&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude could, like, bench press 140.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Danzig shakes around while singing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
:'''Beavis''': I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
:'''Beavis''': Uh, Geraldo?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

===[[w:Terence Trent D'Arby|Terence Trent D'Arby]], &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that [[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''sees Terence Trent D'Arby''] That's not Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Terence Trent D'Arby''': But she kissed me, and she put it there.
:'''Butt-head''': She kissed him ''where?''
:'''Beavis''': Down there.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Liar.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]]===
====&quot;Punk Rock Girl&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  It's not so bad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Something's wrong with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they're not trying very hard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And they're making lots of mistakes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I bet I could take [[w:Joe Genaro|this guy]] in a fight.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I could kick his butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  I could kick [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]]'s ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A ''real'' punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  She'd spit out his brains!  Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Smokin' Banana Peels&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Hippies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Does this suck?
:'''Butt-head''': Beats me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What are they doing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is college music.
:'''Butt-head''': This is musical masturbation.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do ''you'' listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
:'''Beavis''': I like to put on &quot;Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a monkey is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Dogs are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  This sucks, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Death (band)|Death]], &quot;The Philosopher&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! Is this a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a small boy running'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's [[w:Jeremy (song)#Music video|Jeremy]].
:'''Beavis''': He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking the singer''] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''screaming''] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

===[[w:De La Soul|De La Soul]], &quot;Ego Trippin'&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''':AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Screaming rules. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'll do some more. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:''''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

:'''[[w:Kelvin Mercer|Pos]]''': Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
:'''Beavis''': Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry man. Phenomenon, Phenomenon. Phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

:'''Butt-head''': Is that girl like in the band?
:'''Beavis''': Umm. I don't know. It's like she's hanging out with the boys but it's like, you know, she's there just to catch a... Whoa, look at that butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God! Ah! 
:'''Butt-head''': that was quite a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. That's something, right there. 
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, we should get one of those big tubs and like... and then we could like, have some chicks over, you know, and then like they could be in bikinis... Whoa! Look they're beating up a white guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Err... I think he just tripped. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:deadmau5|deadmau5]] feat. [[w:Rob Swire|Rob Swire]], &quot;[[w:Ghosts 'n' Stuff|Ghosts 'n' Stuff]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that deadmau5?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He looks like [[Eminem]] without his mouse helmet.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Was it Stewart?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know [[Daria]] killed herself, I remember that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just [[Daria#Esteemsters_.5B1.01.5D|moved away]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this. 
:'''Beavis''': See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': He's a smart guy, that Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

===[[w:Deconstruction (band)|Deconstruction]], &quot;L.A. Song&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be damned, it's [[w:Dave Navarro|Dave Navarro]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in [[w:Jane's Addiction|another band]], but then he quit, and now he's in the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Chili Peppers]] or something.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': I saw it on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]]. [''imitates the theme music''] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dork, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear it from [[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Scrotur]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, from [[w:Tabitha Soren|Tabitha Sore-End]]. Get it? Sore end?
:'''Butt-head''': I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [''Scoffs''] You know the MTV News theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and [[W:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony]] is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, &quot;Screw this&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear that on MTV News? [''imitating MTV News theme music''] Do-do-do-do-do!

===[[w:Rick Dees|Rick Dees]], &quot;Get Nekked&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''about a man in the background with a bathrobe on''] Look at that guy back there.  [''man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by''] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
:'''Beavis''': Where was the butt?
:'''Butt-head''': It was right next to her legs.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Dammit, I always do that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him''] He has a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, o-oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well.  This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, this sucks!  Look at that.  That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner?  It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic.  Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, no.  I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying.  I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna have about ''four'' buttholes if you don't shut up.
:'''Beavis''': It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head!  Dumbass!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Def Leppard|Def Leppard]], &quot;[[w:Animal (Def Leppard song)|Animal]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Circuses suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Where's the dude with two butts?
:'''Beavis''': Right here next to me.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't make me smack you again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung.  And it, like, really sucks.  So this dude says, &quot;Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?&quot;  And the guy says, &quot;'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty funny!  That was a good one!
:'''Butt-head''': It's all in how you tell it, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Spın̈al Tap]] really sucks lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They have all new guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pull my finger, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Del Amitri|Del Amitri]], &quot;Roll To Me&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna do every single girl in this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
:'''Beavis''': Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, &quot;[[w:Been Caught Stealing|Been Caught Stealing]]&quot;, and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Uh, let me think…&quot;[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]&quot;…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.

===[[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]] with [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], &quot;Real American&quot;===
:'''Rick Derringer''': I am a real American...
:'''Butt-head''': He's a real American.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He ''fights'' for what is right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': He ''fights!''  He ''fights!''
:'''Butt-head''': He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, those are [[w:Suppository|depositories]].  These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your [[w:Testicle|nads]] shrink.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  What's the point?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.  It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[w:Deus (band)|Deus]], &quot;Suds and Soda&quot;===
:[''a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song'']
:'''Beavis''': Is that the smoke alarm?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. This is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is weird.
:'''Beavis''': I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [''coughs''] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah, sort of.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're always like, [''imitates Beavis''] &quot;Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I don't sound like that! [''coughs''] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [''imitates Beavis'']  &quot;Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[''incoherent gibberish'']&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [''coughs''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy patting his stomach for?
:'''Beavis''': Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, &quot;As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [''mockingly''] &quot;Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [''incoherent gibberish'']…&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying &quot;Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Fried…[''coughs'']…fried egg, fried, [''coughs''] fried egg…

===[[Devo]], &quot;[[w:Whip It|Whip It]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that [[Ross Perot]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitating Ross Perot''] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [''starts going out of time with the song''] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[''realizes he is singing out of time'']…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out those hats.
:'''Beavis''': Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

===The Didjits, &quot;Judge the Hot Fudge&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, dumbass.  Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy fries butt nuggets.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's a butt nugget?
:'''Butt-head''': Here, I'll show you.  [''is shown grunting'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!  No thanks, Butt-head.  I - I'm not that hungry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's the deal with these guys?  It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Oh yeah.  They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This isn't, like, a real video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Well, that's good, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I ''am'' getting kinda hungry.  Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Here you go!  [''grunts''] Regular or cool ranch?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Butt nuggets.

===Die Cheerleader, &quot;Pigskin Parade&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, people on a couch!  Is this &quot;[[w:Friends|Friends]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no, it's a video.  It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that show &quot;Friends&quot; is stupid!  It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, [[w:Courteney Cox|that one chick]] is way too skinny.  And her face looks like a scarecrow!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
:'''Beavis''': What did you call me?
:'''Butt-head''': I called you &quot;King Turd.&quot;  'Cause that's what you are.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

===[[w:Digital Underground|Digital Underground]], &quot;[[w:The Humpty Dance|The Humpty Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Humpty kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Humpty rules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': My name is Humpty, pronounced with a &quot;umpty&quot;...
:'''Beavis:''' The name is Humpty, pronounced with an &quot;umpty.&quot;
:'''Humpty Hump''': ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
:'''Butt-head''': Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose.  He got in some accident.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  That's just a plastic nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  That's because he had plastic surgery!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [''he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Dink (band)|Dink]], &quot;Green Mind&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out that tornado!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a tornado, that's that [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Tasmanian Devil]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] upside the head with a shovel?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like the one where they grab [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]] by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

===[[w:Dinosaur Jr.|Dinosaur Jr.]]===
====&quot;Feel the Pain&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
:'''Butt-head''': We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
:'''Butt-head''': You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
:'''Beavis''': That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
:'''Butt-head''': [''raises voice to normal volume''] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
:'''Butt-head''': You're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': See, Beavis, you can't do it. [''quiet voice''] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

====&quot;I Don't Think So&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
:'''Beavis''': Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': I know. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…is this [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…[[w:Grover|Grover]].
:'''Butt-head''': You probably watch Sesame Street.
:'''Beavis''': No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know [[w:Count Von Count|the guy]] that comes out, and he goes &quot;Twelve chocolate cakes&quot;, and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
:'''Beavis''': Those are some big boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
:'''Beavis''': I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]'s kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': That fat pig?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

===[[Dire Straits]], &quot;Walk of Life&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': CROTCH STUFFING!
:'''Beavis''': Let's try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe we would get some.
:'''Beavis''': Some what?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude.
:'''Beavis''': Nice organ lick.
:'''Butt-head''': Organ lick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are hippies.
:'''Beavis''': I hate hippies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are like sports bleepers.
:'''Beavis''': Sports suck!
:'''Butt-head''': This is like circus music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!

===[[w:Cale Dodds|Cale Dodds]], &quot;I Like Where This is Going&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Seth McFarlane|the guy]] who does ''[[Family Guy]]''. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I was nothing like you. You're a loser.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's grooming him. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. ''[cackles]'' They told us about these kinds of guys in health class. 
:'''Beavis''': All the warning signs were there. 
:'''Butt-head''': They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware. 
:'''Beavis''': They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free. 
:'''Butt-head''': Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe I should try that. 
:'''Butt-head''': As soon as the director says &quot;cut&quot;, that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
:'''Beavis''': And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey. 
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a country song.

===[[w:Dog Eat Dog (band)|Dog Eat Dog]], &quot;No Fronts&quot;===
:[''video opens with people snowboarding'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[w:Aspen Extreme|Aspen Extreme]]''.
:'''Beavis''': That movie ''sucked!''  I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick ''never got naked!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  How could she not get naked when they say &quot;ass&quot; right in the title?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.  I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
:'''Beavis''': It's the only place they're safe!  They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  No chicks, no butts.
:'''Beavis''': ''&quot;Get me some marshmallows, biatch!&quot;''  Change the channel, Butt-head.  I've had enough of this.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I think it's over, though.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, good it's over.  [''the song doesn't end''] No, no.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ''now'' it's over.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Okay, now it's over.  Ahhhhhhhh!  [''the song continues''] Oh, no!  Dammit!  Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of buttmunches!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Doug E. Fresh|Doug E. Fresh]], &quot;I-ight (Alright)&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  I-ight!  I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown bouncing her breasts'']
:'''Beavis''': Thingies!  Thingies!
:'''Butt-head''': Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They show, like, bouncing boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Boobs!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Isn't &quot;I-ight&quot; what that dude [[w:Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)|Gilligan]] says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's like, &quot;I-ight, [[w:The Skipper|Skipper]]!  Here are those coconuts!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or like, &quot;I-ight!  I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That Skipper dude is a bunghole.  [''imitating the Skipper''] &quot;Uhhhhh, Gilligan!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should go, like, &quot;I quit, fat dude.  You can get your own damn coconuts.  I-ight!  I-ight!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is he spitting?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doug E. Fresh''': To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
:'''Beavis''': What about me?  Yeah.  What about me?  To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!

===[[w:Dr. Dre|Dr. Dre]], &quot;[[w:Keep Their Heads Ringin'|Keep Their Heads Ringin']]&quot;===
:'''Dr. Dre''': Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
:'''Butt-head''': Because your mom's white, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
:'''Beavis''': Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says &quot;So, where did you get this plane?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd be like &quot;Well, I got it from the airport.&quot; Cause they have a store there.
:'''Beavis''': Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': What did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I said &quot;Shut up&quot;. I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Ronnie Dunn|Ronnie Dunn]], &quot;[[w:Let the Cowboy Rock|Let the Cowboy Rock]]&quot;===
:'''Smart Beavis''': Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as &quot;[[w:Cost of Livin'|Cost of Livin']]&quot;, and &quot;[[w:Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing|Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing]].&quot;
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Very stupid. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I don't know why, but this music is making me love America. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': This video also makes me want to worship the man they call [[w:Jesus|Jesus]].
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes, indeed yes. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Beavis''': I wish there was more footage of the females in this video. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.  
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Quite humerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, and your mother is quite honorable. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': ... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. ''[a horseback rider is seen]'' Is this the cowboy's wife?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Humor detected.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, humorous. Quite humorous. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.

===Josie Dunne, &quot;Good Boys&quot;===
:''[as a group of firemen are shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh God... firemen, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like &quot;Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!&quot; But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess. 
:'''Butt-head''': Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose. 
:'''Beavis''': No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's ''water''! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them ''water''men! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them &quot;son of a bitches.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You thought firemen start fires?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the ''fire''man, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.

===[[w:The Dylans|The Dylans]], &quot;Grudge&quot;===
:[''video opens with a [[w:Boombox|boombox]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, maybe they'll break it.  Yeah.  [''a sledgehammer smashes the boombox''] Ooooh!  Yeah!  [''a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase''] Ahhh...uh huh.  W - what?  What's going on?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''honey is being poured on fruit''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're putting honey on grapes?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.  Yeah.  Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you did it wrong.  The guy in the movie was, like, ''feet'' first.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped.  It was cool.

==E==
===[[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]], &quot;[[w:Sugar Walls|Sugar Walls]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Who is this chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.  She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in [[w:K-Mart|K-Mart]].
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She did [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Well, at least that's ''something.''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Like, move down and show her butt or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  This chick is pretty dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And she's probably a slut, too.
:'''Beavis''': Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
:'''Butt-head''': Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's one thing I like about him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has a vision.
:'''Beavis''': Me too.  Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me!  Yeah.  It's gonna be cool.

===[[w:Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes|Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes]], &quot;Kisses Over Babylon&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that [[w:Jesus Christ|Christ]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously.  Come on.  You know better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah.  It's Spanish.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It is a miracle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that Christ is something else.  I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''as prisoners try to escape prison''] Wow, they really hate this song.
:'''Butt-head''': These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

===[[w:Elastica|Elastica]], &quot;[[w:Connection (song)|Connection]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, a chick band!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several naked men are sitting around the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at all these naked dudes!  They're just, like, sitting there!  What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
:'''Beavis''': Look, a buttcheek!  A schlong!  A nad!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are just hands, Beavis.  That's not his nads, his nutsack, ''or'' his buttcheeks.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.  You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people.  They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING!  IT MAKES ME MAD!  This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, yeah!  But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be ''me'', see?  And I'd be naked!  That would rule!  Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe they're looking at their boobs.  Did you ever think of that?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks must be pretty cool.  They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes!  That rules!  I mean, you know, for a chick.  You know.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a pretty good idea.  You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

===[[w:Carmen Electra|Carmen Electra]], &quot;Everybody Get On Up&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I'm al''ready'' &quot;[[w:erection|up]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this a [[advertisement|commercial]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's a commercial for [[w:MTV|MTV's]] ''[[w:House of Style|House of Butts]]''.
:'''Beavis''': She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's high noon on ''my'' sundial.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She said &quot;[[w:ejaculate|cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go [[w:masturbate|spank my monkey]].

===[[w:Electric Sun|Electric Sun]], &quot;The Night The Master Comes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, &quot;sucks&quot; isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.

===[[w:Eleven (band)|Eleven]], &quot;Reach Out&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[Boy George]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's all fat now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He's a turd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he's [[w:bisexuality|bisexual]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
:'''Beavis''': So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
:'''Beavis''': And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
:'''Butt-head''': You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

===[[w:En Vogue|En Vogue]] with [[w:Salt-n-Pepa|Salt-n-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Whatta Man|Whatta Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are horny!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  I've seen this video about a million times!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, me too!  I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off!  I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something.  She ''never does!''
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's the same video!  If she doesn't get naked the ''first'' time you see it, she's ''never'' gonna get naked.
:'''Beavis''': How do ''you'' know, Butt-head?  You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something.  Here it comes.  See?  Stand up, stand up!  STAND UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  She's not gonna be naked!  It's the same video every time!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  You don't know that.  I th - I think she's gonna be naked.  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Maybe she'll do it ''this'' time!  Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Show it!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's got that stuff in her hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That stuff's called [[w:Jheri curl|jelly curl]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''': Hey!  Don't call me that, Butt-head!  I'm serious!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dillhole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  That's better.

===[[w:Entombed (band)|Entombed]], &quot;Wolverine Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, you snooze, you lose. [''leaves the room'']
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…''[turns around and sees Butt-head has left''] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [''gets up'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling from bathroom''] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [''Beavis sits down'']
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…''[calls out''] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, just a few more minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Guess I'll go take a leak. [''leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
:'''Beavis''': WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Butt-head''': I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
:'''Beavis''': YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''': DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

===[[w:Enuff Z'nuff|Enuff Z'nuff]], &quot;Fly High Michelle&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Have a nice day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She looks like that [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]] chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These chicks aren't as cool as the [[w:Cycle Sluts from Hell|Cycle Sluts]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And [[w:L7 (band)|L7]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They kick ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are you sure these are chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': They better be.  They're giving me a woodrow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.

===[[w:Maggie Estep|Maggie Estep]], &quot;Hey Baby&quot;===
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
:'''Butt-head''': This chick doesn't sing very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
:'''Maggie Estep''': [''Begins talking''] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
:'''Beavis''': Okay. That's better.
:'''Butt-head''': Is she like, telling a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maggie Estep''': I get all tense and nervous…
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but I keep walking…
:'''Beavis''': Ah! Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [''A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good joke.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
:'''Beavis''': I heard that.
:'''Butt-head''': …and then she just came up and got in his face!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': And she &lt;!-- Not quite sure what he said --&gt;just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

===[[w:Ethyl Meatplow|Ethyl Meatplow]], &quot;Devil's Johnson&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Scummy people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Scummy people are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': ''Slimy'' people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Slimy people rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you hear that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;devil's johnson&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he just said it!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, he must've said &quot;[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': He said it again!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  YEAH!  I heard it!  He keeps saying it again!
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he said it again!  He keeps saying it again and again!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's saying &quot;[[w:Magic Johnson|Magic Johnson]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I got a magic johnson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Beavis' magic johnson.  It disappears into his hand.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:The Europeans (band)|The Europeans]], &quot;We Are Animals&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh my God.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, dear Lord!
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': AAAH! Good God Almighty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
:'''Butt-head''': Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
:'''Beavis''': Two…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…four?
:'''Beavis''': Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
:'''Beavis''': Um…thirteen. [''Resumes counting''] Uh…fifteen…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees two men fighting''] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': [''yelling''] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
:'''Beavis''': Um…what?
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno.

===[[w:Eve's Plum|Eve's Plum]], &quot;Blue&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': WATER, WATER!  Yeah, yeah!  WATER, WATER!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I - I don't know, water's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This seems pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Ooohh, baby! ''Ye-eah!''
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Vitamin C (singer)|This chick]] is hot!
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
:'''Beavis''': If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, ''&quot;Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!&quot;''
:'''[[w:Vitamin C (singer)|Colleen Fitzpatrick]]''': ...heading my direction...
:'''Beavis''': WHOA!  Whoa, did she say &quot;erection&quot;?!
:'''Butt-head''': I hope so!
:'''Beavis''': I'll say.  ''Errrection!''
:'''Butt-head''': I don't care if ''you'' say it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well - well, I think she said it.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
:'''Beavis''': Well, her ''face'' is naked.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  ''Every'' girl's face is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body.  Yeah.  I'd settle for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  I bet chicks would go for that!
:'''Beavis''': Ass naked rules.

===[[w:Extreme (band)|Extreme]], &quot;Hole-Hearted&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright!
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…''[hums the melody'']  Yeah, this is really cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [''laughs''] Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You really like this crap.
:'''Beavis''': No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

==F==
===[[w:The Fabulous Thunderbirds|The Fabulous Thunderbirds]], &quot;Wrap It Up&quot;===
:[''video opens with several women in bikinis'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Whoa!  WHOA!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS AND BUTTS!  Whoa, whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at ''her!''  Whoa, look at that!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  If [[w:Kim Wilson|''this'' dude]] here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we need to start a band.  Today.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Whoa, look at ''her!''
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, right now.  While we're sitting here on our butts...
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS!
:'''Butt-head''': ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it.  Let's do it!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Just as soon as this video's over.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh.  Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Like, in our band...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but we'll have cooler cars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up.  And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em.  Ye-eah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That'll be cool.

===[[w:Donald Fagen|Donald Fagen]], &quot;Snowbound&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmmmmmmm…….

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, just cool out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
:[''They begin to fall asleep'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''slaps Beavis''] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
:'''Beavis''': Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

===[[w:Faith No More|Faith No More]]===
====&quot;Diggin' the Grave&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
:'''Butt-head''': No, and I don't care, either.
:'''Beavis''': This is Faith No More.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sarcastic''] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
:'''Butt-head''': They just look and sound like everything else.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, it kinda rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna lay down. Move over!
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, get up!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
:'''Beavis''': I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
:'''Beavis''': No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': You should check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Is it still there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me go have a look. [''exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.'']

====&quot;[[w:Easy (Commodores song)#Faith No More cover|Easy]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]]''': I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to a man dressed in women's clothing''] That chick's pretty hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ooooaaah. 
:'''Butt-head''': They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
:[''The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': I'm easy like Sunday morning…
:'''Butt-head''': What's so great about Sunday morning?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
:'''Beavis''': You know what really sucks is evening.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Every single day sucks.

====&quot;[[w:Epic (Faith No More song)|Epic]]&quot;====
:[''a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning'']
:'''Butt-head''': I wish ''I'' had an eye in my hand.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;reach around.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I love the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''singer [[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]] is seen wearing a shirt that says &quot;MR. BUNGLE&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Whoa!  Did you see that?  His shirt said &quot;Mr. Bunghole&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what is it?
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': What is it?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''rain is pouring down on the band'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rain sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this video had, like, some explosions.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': It ''does'' have some explosions.
:'''Butt-head''': Fairies grant wishes!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, asswipe!
:[''video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes'']

===[[w:Fatima Mansions|Fatima Mansions]], &quot;The Loyaliser&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [''picks up a magazine'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
:'''Beavis''': Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from [[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no. Just this one.
:'''Butt-head''': Can I read it when you're done?
:'''Beavis''': No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd you get that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

===[[w:Filter (band)|Filter]], &quot;[[w:Hey Man, Nice Shot|Hey Man, Nice Shot]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those [[w:music videos|videos]] where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
:'''Butt-head''': You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Art sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colors…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's all, uhh…[''the pair fall asleep'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
:'''Butt-head''': It still has all this blurry crap.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is a [[w:Buzz Bin|buzz clip]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[''the pair resume sleeping'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the video ends'']
:'''Beavis''': [''yells''] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''disorientated''] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

===[[w:The Flaming Lips|The Flaming Lips]]===
====&quot;[[w:She Don't Use Jelly|She Don't Use Jelly]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Wayne Coyne|Wayne Coyne]]''': She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
:'''Beavis''': He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can make toast. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Fields suck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''sings off-key''] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

====&quot;Turn It On&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, why?
:'''Beavis''': Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, &quot;So, I bet that underwear was on your butt.&quot; You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say &quot;So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say &quot;Since you're already doing a load…&quot;, heh, load…&quot;Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?&quot; And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
:'''Butt-head''': And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
:'''Beavis''': I'm ready for love.

===[[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], &quot;Old Man Down the Road&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, that looks like [[w:Jungle Cruise|that Jungle Ride]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That's so stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what another cool ride to jump off of is?  Is the, uh, [[w:The Haunted Mansion|the Haunted House]].  I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car.  And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter.  I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um...n - uh...oh.  Um, no.

===[[Foo Fighters]], &quot;[[w:I'll Stick Around|I'll Stick Around]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's [[Dave Grohl|that dude]] from [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvarna]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think [[Kurt Cobain|that dude]]'s with us anymore.  You shouldn't say that.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um, I've never seen [[w:William Goldsmith|that drummer]] before in my life!  That's not him.
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Oh yeah, you're right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know?  They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?  Do you, like, [[w:Homosexuality|swing on that side]] now?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, do I swing?  No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old.  Um...I don't even think we ''have'' a swingset anymore.  What are you talking about?
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh, never mind, Beavis.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like &quot;I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!&quot; That would rule!

===[[w:Lita Ford|Lita Ford]] with [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], &quot;Close My Eyes Forever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah!  Uh...why is he whining?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...boy.  This isn't very good.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head?  I think this is the [[w:Indigo Girls|Indigo Girls]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Monster face and wuss music do not go together.  It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah.  Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': [''starts laughing''] I'm being ''what'', Ozzy?
:'''Beavis''': ''Hard'' on Ozzy.  [''gets why Butt-head is laughing''] Oh yeah.

===[[w:Samantha Fox|Samantha Fox]], &quot;[[w:Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)|Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's one of those grubby girls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She wants me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samantha Fox''': Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She just had sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't they show that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She said she just had sex.
:'''Butt-head''': It wasn't with any of ''those'' guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And like, if the music was cool, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And not those guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Then it would rule!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie Goes to Hollywood]], &quot;[[w:Two Tribes|Two Tribes]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': What is ''this?''
:'''Butt-head''': This is crap.  Art sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, that's [[Konstantin Chernenko|that guy from that country in the news]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs more blood.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ronald Reagan|the President]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like the ending of that ''[[w:Rocky IV|Rocky 4]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': No way, asswipe!  That doesn't look like [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dude!  You're thinking of ''[[w:Rocky III|Rocky 3]]''.
:'''Beavis''': No, Mr. T was in ''Rocky 4''!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  ''Rocky 4'' was where he kicked ass on [[w:Ivan Drago|that dude]] from [[w:Soviet Union|that country]].
:'''Beavis''': No, dude, that was ''[[w:Rocky II|Rocky 2]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes?  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was, uhh, ''Rocky 6''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  ''Rocky 6'' was the best one.
:'''Beavis''': Have you seen that movie ''[[w:Rocky V|Rocky V]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not as cool as ''Rocky 5'', though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is, &quot;Change it.&quot;

==G==
===[[w:Georgia Satellites|Georgia Satellites]], &quot;Keep Your Hands to Yourself&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys ''rule''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [''imitating lead singer Dan Baird''] Got no loving, no kissing!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That lead singer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He's cool.  He looks like my cousin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Which one?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you know.  [[w:Dickhead|Richard Head]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy's teeth are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It runs in the family.  We all have cool teeth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He's cool.

===[[w:Gerardo Mejía|Gerardo]], &quot;[[w:Rico Suave (song)|Rico Suave]]&quot;===
:[''both imitate Gerardo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rrrico!  Suave!
:'''Beavis''': Rrrrrico!  Suave!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a tight dress is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
:'''Butt-head''': Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [''speaks Spanish gibberish'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Guacamole!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a [[w:Gigolo|gigolo]].
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What's a gigolo?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Change it.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]], &quot;[[w:Out of the Blue (Debbie Gibson song)|Out of the Blue]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]] sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Olivia Neuter-John.  That's that [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|rich chick]] from ''[[Beverly Hills, 90210|90...2...uh, 6, 1]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  [[w:List of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters#Donna Martin|Donna]].
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Donna!  Donna's the [[w:Slut|slut]].  This is [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|Kelly]].
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude!  Donna's not a slut.  She's the virgin, ''Kelly's'' the slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Does she look like a slut to ''you'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's why it's Donna!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That must be Kelly.

===[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]], &quot;Play Dirty&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[Alice Cooper]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Hm.
:'''Butt-head''': This is an all-chick band.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That chick can punch!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's a chick!  It's one of those...one of those girl boxers.  That's cool, they can kick ass.  They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You said it's an all-girl band.  It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer.  [''the boxer is punched to the ground''] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
:'''Beavis''': I know that, Butt-head!  I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting.  Like, clip-on nads?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.  And you're stupid, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': And chicks don't like you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Some chicks like me.

===[[w:The Go-Go's|The Go-Go's]], &quot;The Whole World Lost It's Head&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road''] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [''shows feet again''] AAH! There it is again! 
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like &quot;Ow!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [''Sees feet again''] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees feet again''] FEET! FEET! OW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
:'''Butt-head''': You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay, I can wait. [''sings along''] Has the whole world lost its head…''[Sees feet again''] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

===[[w:Godspeed (band)|Godspeed]], &quot;Houston St.&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really, it's like [''imitates static''] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
:'''Beavis''': That's a 10-4, good buddy. [''speaks incomprehensible gibberish''] Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, &quot;Settle down, dammit!&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, &quot;If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like [[Al Pacino|that dude]] from, uhhh, from that movie, [[w:Scent of a Woman|Smell of a Woman]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he's like, &quot;Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!&quot; He's a good actor.

===[[w:Golden Earring|Golden Earring]], &quot;[[w:Twilight Zone (Golden Earring song)|Twilight Zone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Interrogation is cool.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know you knew any big words.
:'''Butt-head''': I do when the words are cool.  Like &quot;diarrhea.&quot;  And &quot;[[w:Asphyxia|assphyxiation]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And &quot;[[w:Seminiferous tubule|seminefrious tubules]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Goo Goo Dolls|Goo Goo Dolls]], &quot;Only One&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
:'''Beavis''': Well, let me think.  I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some [[w:Cheez Whiz|Cheez Whiz]] to put on the crackers.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
:'''Butt-head''': I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a [[w:Ménage à trois|massage-a-thra]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Dammit!

===[[w:The Goops|The Goops]], &quot;Booze Cabana&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Or [[w:Todd Rundgren|Todd Rundgren]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Todd Rundgren.
:'''Butt-head''': Who the hell is he, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. And you don't either.
:'''Beavis''': Um…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…he's drinking.
:'''Beavis''': I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that street where [[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] wanted to have her baby.
:'''Beavis''': So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman grows to an enormous size'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out!
:'''Beavis''': She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
:'''Beavis''': No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are &quot;they?&quot; And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.

===[[w:Ariana Grande|Ariana Grande]], &quot;[[w:34+35|34+35]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is that video where Ariana Grande had a lab, and she was gonna cure cancer, but  then she was just like, &quot;Nah, let's just make a bunch of slut robots.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah, she's creating a Franken-slut. Yeah yeah! ''[the female robot comes to life]'' &quot;It's alive! It's alive! It's a slut!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Presenting the Slut-bot 3000, the cutting edge in slut technology. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head, it seems like all that metal would like cut up your schlong, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's why you'd need like a special metal robo-schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that would be cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna get it on with the [[w:Tin Woodman|Tin Man]] from ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, he's got an iron schlong. Yes. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'll be like, &quot;Well, I guess I don't need a heart anymore.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;[[w:If I Only Had a Brain|If I only had a schlong...]]&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Tin Woodsman. ''[cackles]''

===[[w:Amy Grant|Amy Grant]], &quot;[[w:Baby Baby (Amy Grant song)|Baby Baby]]&quot;===
:[''the two laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at ''this!''  What a bunch of crap!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this a [[w:Clearasil|Clearasil]] commercial?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.

===[[w:Grant Lee Buffalo|Grant Lee Buffalo]], &quot;Mockingbirds&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this another video with big [[w:The Muppets|Muppets]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]? He never poops.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [''imitates dive-bomber''] &quot;Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go &quot;Poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': And run over there and go &quot;Poop!&quot; A little &quot;Poop!&quot; over there.
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough.
:'''Beavis''': It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

===[[w:The Grays (band)|The Grays]], &quot;Very Best Years&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
:'''Beavis''': Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, how do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [''the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking''] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what…what is this??
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates an arpeggio in the song''] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like that [[w:easy listening|easy listening]] stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
:'''Beavis''': I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said ''maybe'' it would start rocking!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the chorus starts again'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''[sings in imitation again''] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys are like a cross between [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and my nads…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], and…
:'''Beavis''': And my butt…
:'''Butt-head''': [[Billy Joel]], and like, uhh…
:'''Beavis''': And some turds…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Eddie Rabbitt|Eddie Rabbitt]]…

===[[Green Day]]===
====&quot;[[w:Basket Case (song)|Basket Case]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like that movie, [[w:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, where they got [[w:Danny DeVito|those guys]] from [[w:Taxi (TV series)|Taxi]], only they're retarded.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that [[w:Chief Bromden|big Indian dude]] in that movie? 
:'''Butt-head''': Mm-hm.
:'''Beavis''': He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes &quot;Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken&quot;. And then the doctor says &quot;Then why don't you choke her?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates chicken''] Bawk-ba-bawk!

====&quot;[[w:Longview (song)|Longview]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's watching TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
:'''Beavis''': Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Well, well…okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
:'''Butt-head''': See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … yeah. 
:[''[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that! 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT! 
:'''Butt-head''': Break it!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': GET IN THERE
:'''Butt-head''': Kick it! Kick the couch!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't stop!
:'''Beavis''': Don't stop, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Quitters never win!

===[[w:Greta (band)|Greta]]===
====&quot;Fathom&quot;====
:[''various images flash rapidly on the screen'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this [[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death 3]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! '''BUT''' '''''MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
:'''Butt-head''': That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members jumps around and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy fell over.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;You stand up straight, play your guitar, and '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!'''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''images of explosions and car crashes are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool! Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Uh, laundry! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Is It What You Wanted&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey, who is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''laughing''] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes &quot;Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': It's like, it acts as a shield.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
:[''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh [''coughs''].
:'''Beavis''': You don't have any &quot;nad protection&quot;! Yeah, that was cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''coughing''] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy….

===[[w:Grim Reaper (band)|Grim Reaper]]===
====&quot;Fear No Evil&quot;====
:[''both are laughing'']
:'''Beavis''': It's ''this'' again.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
:'''Butt-head''': These [[w:music videos|videos]] are funny.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should be on that show [[w:The State (TV series)|The State]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what is that thing?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a wolfman with huge claws'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think that's supposed to be [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]].
:'''Beavis''': That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No. That's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
:'''Beavis''': That is ''not'' Wolverine, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
:'''Beavis''': Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

====&quot;Rock You to Hell&quot;====
:[''laughter can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''without emotion''] Ha ha ha ha ha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ha ha ha ha ha. [''sees the band''] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
:[''the lead singer rises up from laying down'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  What was that?  Was that a [[w:Bulldog|bulldog]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it was a [[w:Shih Tzu|Shih Tzu]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''Cornholio accent''] Shih Tzu!  Sha-hih Tzu!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
:[''the lead singer is shown again'']
:'''Beavis:''': AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Including Grim Reaper.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a fat little face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those [[w:Urinal deodorizer block|urinal mints]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I knew that.  Yeah, I was just kidding.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

====&quot;See You in Hell&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Spın̈al Tap]]?
:'''Beavis''': Tap is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd these guys get their [[clothes]]?
:'''Beavis''': They [[bought]] it at that [[w:rock and roll|rock and roll]] store at the mall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I [[think]] these guys played at the state fair last year?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the ''[[pig]]'' contest.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because he's ''[[w:overweight|fat]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': You suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

===[[w:Gruntruck|Gruntruck]], &quot;Crazy Love&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She has the flag on her face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] for which it stands, invisible--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  We're missing this video!  And it doesn't even suck.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Lights are cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Especially when they come out of your butt.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I must be hallucinating ''now.''  I can't believe they're playing something cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Toys are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  They rock!

===[[GWAR]]===
====&quot;Jack the World&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is what it's all about.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you watch all these [[w:music video|videos]], you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
:'''Butt-head''': It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
:'''Beavis''': So, how do you know what time it is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

====&quot;The Road Behind&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!  GWAR!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  GWAR is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!  GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

====&quot;Saddam a Go-Go&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, GWAR has [[w:horn (instrument)|horns]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, [[w:Balsac the Jaws of Death|Balsac]] told 'em: &quot;Throwing [[blood]] and [[w:urine|urine]] in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a [[w:seizure|seizure]] at a [[GWAR]] concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to [[help]] him.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh, it's happening…[''convulses as if he were having a seizure'']
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not gonna help you. [[w:Oderus Urungus|Oderus Urungus]] would want it that way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. [[Thanks]], Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. [''sings along''] He [[died]] and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[''Butt-head smacks him''] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh…whoa, [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]! Look at that giant [[worm]] thing, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Now that's a ''damn'' [[good]] show right there. [''mock-Arabic accent''] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own [[blood]]!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating an Arabic accent''] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
:'''Beavis''': The mother of all [[wars]] has begun!

==H==
===[[w:Nina Hagen|Nina Hagen]], &quot;Herman Was His Name&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...is this that [[w:LaToya Jackson|Toyota Jackson]] chick?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''reacting to video''] Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  No!  NO!  NO!  AHHH!  GET AWAY!
:'''Butt-head''': Aaaahhhh!
:'''Beavis''': GET AWAY!  AHHH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those bathing caps on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, what's that noise?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...I think it's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Hall &amp; Oates|Hall &amp; Oates]]===
====&quot;[[w:Jingle Bell Rock|Jingle Bell Rock]]&quot;====
:[''John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who could that be?
:[''Daryl Hall takes some of the presents'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A group of people arrive at Hall &amp; Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh, don't let [[Primus (band)|Primus]] in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''My name is Mud!''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, ''MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD!'' And then he'd SPIT!

====&quot;[[w:Maneater (Hall &amp; Oates song)|Maneater]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What's [[w:Daryl Hall|this guy]] lookin' at?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  There's his little [[w:John Oates|friend]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''about Daryl Hall''] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And he's a maneater.  Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I mean - I mean, ''no!''

===[[w:Sam Harris (singer)|Sam Harris]], &quot;[[w:Over the Rainbow|Over the Rainbow]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': He's smiling at you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh god.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at that crack in his chin.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's a buttcrack.
:'''Beavis''': Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam Harris starts belting'']
:'''Beavis''': [''drinks soda, does a spit take''] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
:'''Butt-head''': No way. [''turns the volume up to full on the television'']
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': [''screams unintelligibly'']
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.

===[[w:PJ Harvey|PJ Harvey]]===
====&quot;50-Foot Queenie&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, [[w:Justine Bateman|that chick]] from ''[[Family Ties]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is really noisy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Noise is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is weird. 
:'''Beavis''': This chick's mouth is crooked.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder why.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Why is it crooked?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like a 50 foot weenie.  

====&quot;Down by the Water&quot;====
:[''P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress'']
:'''Beavis''': Well, look at that.  That's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah!  ''That'' chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Not too shabby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know.  I mean, she looked all right, you know.  Ooohh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really!  She looks kinda sexy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come chicks in videos never dress up?  It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that.  People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And you know what they say about having a big nose.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.  She probably's got a big schlong, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Beavis''': Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head.  So don't even try.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''P.J. Harvey''': [''whispers''] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this chick is freaky!  This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''whispers''] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It doesn't freak me out when ''you'' do it, Butt-head.  It sounds stupid when ''you'' do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
:'''Beavis''': Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out.  I've done that before with stuff.

===[[Juliana Hatfield]], &quot;What A Life&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
:'''Butt-head''': Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
:'''Beavis''': Um, a second is better than nothing. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it isn't. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': ''Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?''
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and ''nobody'' likes you.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
:'''Butt-head''': [''half laughing''] You don't have any friends.
:'''Beavis''': I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aah, she's got ''blood'' in her eyes! ''Ew'', this is ''freaky'', Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

===[[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]], &quot;[[w:Im Nin'alu|Im Nin'alu]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this foreign?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  She's got money on her head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Money is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games.  On her horse.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is this [[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdulla]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Is this video about Jesus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Christ is cool.

===[[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]], &quot;Merry Christmas Santa Claus&quot;===
:'''Max''': There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
:'''Beavis''': Is it [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Max''': So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude stutters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

===[[w:Helium (band)|Helium]]===
====&quot;Pat's Trick&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Mary Timony|Mary Timony]] dragging a hoe'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's a hoe.
:'''Bravos''': Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [''Butt-head laughs''] Oh, um...why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis.  You thought when I said &quot;a hoe,&quot; that thought I was talking about the chick.  But I was talking about the hoe.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  'Cause, like, [[w:double entendre|when a word means two things]] like that, it's pretty funny.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned.  I didn't know that.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, &quot;choking your chicken&quot; could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it.  Or it can mean, you know, like, you're [[w:Masturbation|choking your chicken]].
:'''Beavis''': [''laughing''] Oh yeah!  Now ''that's'' funny!  Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny.  Yeah.  Yes, I - I get ''that'' one.  Okay, okay!  ''I'' got one!  Masturbating! [''laughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it does!  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has small nostrils.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head.  You look like a cow.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  It means you have lots of loogie.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay, Beavis.  You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

====&quot;XXX&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this chick just like, woke up or something. 
:'''Beavis''': She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
:'''Beavis''': She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Musicians rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''': They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer is destroying an [[w:overhead projector|overhead projector]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I hate those things.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A bandmember resembles [[Jim Carrey]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then they just leave.

===[[w:Helloween|Helloween]], &quot;Halloween&quot;===
:[''A human body in a suit with a [[w:Jack-o'-lantern|Jack-o'-lantern]] head appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, is that the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
:'''Butt-head''': It's from that [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] thing.  That show about that bald kid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's that [[w:Linus van Pelt|kid with the blanket]] that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That's, uh, um, Penis.
:'''Butt-head''': His name's not &quot;Penis.&quot;  It's &quot;Anus.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
:'''Butt-head''': You're getting him mixed up with that dude [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Choder]] who plays the piano.  He's a [[w:pianist|penis]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  That's not cool to call someone a &quot;penis&quot; just because they play the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano.  You call them a penis.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really?  That's cool.  You know what we should do?  We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, &quot;Penis! Penis! Penis!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin?  Like, what's he supposed to do?
:'''Butt-head''': He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
:[''A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.'']
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  You can see up that chick's dress!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
:'''Beavis''': You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Helmet (band)|Helmet]]===
====&quot;[[w:Unsung (song)|Unsung]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': [[w:John Stanier (drummer)|That drummer]] looks like a regular guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;Wilma's Rainbow&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's happening to this dude's face?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
:'''Beavis''': When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [''Beavis's face is in his neutral expression'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually use this expression. [''Butt-head grimaces''] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one when I'm lying. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral''] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
:'''Butt-head''': This one usually  works for me. [''Butt-head grimaces'']
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

===[[w:Hole (band)|Hole]], &quot;[[w:Violet (song)|Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''The screen says Violet''] Uh…violence?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Hole!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
:'''Beavis''': Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole. 
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Hole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, the sign at the beginning said &quot;violence&quot;, and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! That sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
:'''Beavis''': I'll show you my butthole if you want. [''Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I heard this Hole [[Courtney Love|chick]] is a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah! [''Beavis's eyes widen''] YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori Spelling]] chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
:'''Butt-head''': What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
:'''Butt-head''': It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!

===[[w:Huey Lewis and the News|Huey Lewis and the News]], &quot;[[w:I Want a New Drug|I Want a New Drug]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAHHHHHH!  [''Butt-head laughs throughout the video''] THIS SUCKS!  AHHHH!  AHH, BUTT-HEAD!  Change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Suffer, dude!
:'''Beavis''': Give me that thing, Butt-head!  Come on, give me the remote, this sucks!  This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Give me a dollar.
:'''Beavis''': That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks!  AAHHHHHH!  AAHHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.  Don't soil your drawers.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Hum (band)|Hum]], &quot;Stars&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''moans'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
:[''The song appears to end'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this video over?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
:'''Butt-head''': Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

==I==
===[[w:Billy Idol|Billy Idol]], &quot;[[w:Dancing with Myself|Dancing with Myself]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This was ''before'' the music revolution.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, this looks like that [[w:Les Misérables (musical)|Les Miserables]] poster.  In Mrs. Dickey's class?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy Idol''': With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
:'''Beavis''': This guy does ''everything'' by himself.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  I detect masturbatory overtones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''singing with Billy Idol''] Playing with myself!  Oh oh, playing with myself!
:'''Billy Idol''': Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking about choking his chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's talking about spanking his monkey.

===[[Iggy Pop]], &quot;Butt Town&quot;===
:'''Iggy Pop''': The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iggy Pop''': If you live in Butt Town….
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
:'''Iggy Pop''': …you gotta get down.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You gotta get down!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town rules. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
:'''Beavis''': Can I come too?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This dude should hook up with [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

===[[w:Infectious Grooves|Infectious Grooves]]===
====&quot;Three Headed Mind Pollution&quot;====
:[''Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': What? WHAT?!
:'''Beavis''': Come here, quick! [''to himself''] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! [''he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch''] What?
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
:'''Beavis''': No, but check it out, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': It is?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
:'''Beavis''': Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
:'''Butt-head''':  Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is so cool! Yes, yes!
:'''Butt-head''':  You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, I don't know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!

====&quot;Violent and Funky&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, [[w:Chess|chest]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Mike Muir]]''': …but a [[w:.357 Magnum|.357]] gonna blow your damn head off!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [''Clown-like voice''] &quot;Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I'd say, &quot;Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would be cool.

===[[w:INXS|INXS]]===
====&quot;[[w:Devil Inside (INXS song)|Devil Inside]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, Satanic music?
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude, it's not cool enough.  [''imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in'']
:'''Butt-head''': If you play this backwards, it says, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like that [[w:Michael &quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile dude]].  The [[w:Outback|Outback]].
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;outback.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out.  [''bad Australian accent''] &quot;[[w:Dingoes ate my baby|A dingo took your baby]]!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;dingo&quot;!  What if a dingo bit off your dingo?  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': No it wouldn't!  That would suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's rock.  [''changes channel'']

====&quot;[[w:Not Enough Time|Not Enough Time]]&quot;====
:[''video is set underwater'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is wuss music!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Iron Maiden|Iron Maiden]], &quot;[[w:From Here to Eternity (Iron Maiden song)|From Here to Eternity]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, ''this'' looks like it might be good.  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.  Yeah! [''a missile strikes a road sign''] OOOOHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Ye-eeaah!  Now we're getting somewhere!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions.  Yeah!  And chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they'd be, like, &quot;We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude.  That's what got us here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iron Maiden''': Hell is from here to eternity.
:'''Butt-head''': Hell is from here to eternity?
:'''Beavis''': Um, wait a minute.  That can't be true, Butt-head.  'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, ''everywhere.''  So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, &quot;GO TO HELL!  GO TO HELL!&quot;, you're just, like, really saying, &quot;Stay right there!&quot;  You know.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  No problem.  I'll stay right here.  See?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I mean, just shut up!  It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It's just, like, stupid.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.

===[[w:Chris Isaak|Chris Isaak]], &quot;Somebody's Crying&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...what is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't really care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  They need to get up and get a job!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean, like, all the girls are ''sluts?''
:'''Butt-head''': Yep.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, now that is cool!  Yeah, yeah!  Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like [[w:Kato Kaelin|Kato Kaelin]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]].  He goes, &quot;You know, you're a great guy.  Why don't you come on over and stay a while?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  What a great guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, he does, sort of.  But that's okay.  'Cause he's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds|Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds]], &quot;Shuffle It All&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What Izzy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Who Izzy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Izzy quit [[w:Guns N' Roses|Guns N' Roses]] 'cause [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He kicked Axl's ass!  He kicked him!  Kicked him!  And he hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!  You're gonna hose your shorts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a train is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Look at that car.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's all, like, long.
:'''Butt-head''': Mass transit is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I like ass transit, too.

==J==
===[[Janet Jackson]], &quot;[[w:You Want This|You Want This]]&quot;===
:'''Janet Jackson''': Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
:'''Beavis''': Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That's a pretty nice hotel.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
:'''Beavis''': How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. A whole hour?
:'''Butt-head''': A whole whore.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, a whole whore.
:'''Butt-head''': You can get on the phone and be like &quot;Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I was just saying, &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [''muttering to himself''] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Excuse me, are those [[w:Bugle Boy|Bunghole Boys]] you're wearing?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Bunghole Boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janet Jackson''': Could you handle this?
:'''Butt-head''': Could you handle this, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is humping the couch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doin' my monkey boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, get down!
:'''Beavis''': I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…

===[[w:The Jacksons|The Jacksons]], &quot;[[w:Torture (The Jacksons song)|Torture]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Jackie Jackson|Jackie Jackson]] standing in the doorway of a temple'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Where's [[w:Tito Jackson|Tito]]?
:'''Beavis''': This is that [[w:Jermaine Jackson|Jermaine]] dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in'']
:'''Butt-head''': They're in a rubber!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  That would've been cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Guess where ''his'' hand's been!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson'']
:'''Butt-head''': TITOOO!
:'''Beavis''': Tito's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tito rules!  He used to be in [[w:Village People|The Village People]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is torture!  Change it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]], &quot;The Lumberjack&quot;===
::''See also: Jackyl, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Mental *@%#!&quot; by Jackyl|&quot;Mental Masturbation&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.''

:'''Butt-head''': [[w:chainsaw|Chainsaws]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I like when they saw stuff.

===[[w:James (band)|James]], &quot;Say Something&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Ohhh yeah.  It's from that album, ''The Classics of Suck''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is in gorilla costumes'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know what animal would listen to this crap?  Is a cow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, [[w:Warrant (American band)|Warrant]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is James.
:'''Beavis''': James who?
:'''Butt-head''': His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His parents said, &quot;Son, we know you suck, and that's okay.  But could you just, like, not use our name?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they hugged him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.  What a wuss!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Rick James|Rick James]], &quot;[[w:Super Freak|Super Freak]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:U Can't Touch This|hammer time]]!  U can't touch this!
:'''Beavis''': U can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': Touch ''this!'' [''flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': I can't ''watch'' this.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jane's Addiction|Jane's Addiction]], &quot;[[w:Mountain Song (Jane's Addiction song)|Mountain Song]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hammers|Hammers]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just ''break'' stuff. Break it!

===[[w:Jawbox|Jawbox]], &quot;Savory&quot;===
:[''three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay! [''smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: &quot;RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [''laughing''] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find ''that'' present!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the girl in the video is given an axe'']
:'''Butt-head''': These are cool presents!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: &quot;Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!&quot; 
:[''the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

===[[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary Chain]], &quot;Come On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've seen this video before.  A chick squats later.  You know...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?  Can you see some cheek?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
:'''Beavis''': Quit cursing, Butt-head.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not!  That's the name of the band, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Why would anybody name their band that?!  It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  DUN DUN DUNNN!  But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Get it on, bang your schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then there's that other part: &quot;get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Schlong.

===[[w:The Jesus Lizard|The Jesus Lizard]], &quot;Glamorous&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Buttmunch.
:'''Beavis''': LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Jesus Lizard.
:'''Beavis''': Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD!  Yeah.  I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah.  I oughta be one of those guys.  I bet - I bet I could do that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you would suck!  The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Uh...oh, really?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has &quot;Jesus&quot; in their name.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, [[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph]], like, [[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|900-Foot Jesus]], you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And most of 'em suck!

===[[w:Joan Jett|Joan Jett &amp; the Blackhearts]], &quot;[[w:Do You Wanna Touch Me|Do You Wanna Touch Me]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has a good attitude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we should touch ''them.''
:'''Butt-head''': It's a ''dude,'' Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot.  He does has big boobs, though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat'']
:'''Beavis''': Those are some dudes holding their rods.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
:'''Beavis''': Why would you need a dress??  You some kind of [[w:Transvestism|transformer]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  Not a dress.  An ''ad''dress!
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You're stupid, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Billy Joel]], &quot;[[w:Uptown Girl|Uptown Girl]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh man! What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
:'''Butt-head''': Where's he going with that magazine?
:'''Beavis''': He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing off-key''] [[w:Piano Man (song)|SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!]]

===[[w:Elton John|Elton John]] with [[w:RuPaul|RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]&quot;===
:[''the channel was changed from the video &quot;Demon Juice&quot; by [[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, now what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, this isn't much better.  What the hell is this?
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't feel like watching this either right now.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ''ever.''
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Let's never watch this again.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:JoJo (singer)|JoJo]], &quot;Worst (I Assume)&quot;===
:''[as two people in a car jolt upright]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like,  brought you back with that... [[w: defibrillator|infibulator]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That thing hurt. 
:'''Beavis''': They said you were dead for a while, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said &quot;I love you,  Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back.&quot; And then I woke up. 
:'''Beavis''': And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it. 
:'''Beavis''': In a just world, they would have killed you. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's not fair.

===[[w:Jon Spencer Blues Explosion|Jon Spencer Blues Explosion]], &quot;Dang&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right! A video! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like music videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': That was cool!
:'''Butt'head''': That's unbelievable!
:'''Beavis''': Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, got any more [[w:Nutmeg#Psychoactivity_and_toxicity|nutmeg]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't think so.
:'''Beavis''': That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

===[[w:Grace Jones|Grace Jones]], &quot;[[w:Demolition Man (song)|Demolition Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute.  This isn't cool.  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this [[w:Manute Bol|Manute Bol]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's too bad he can't sing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this ''isn't'' Manute Bol.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Manute Bol sings better than this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This man has lipstick on!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is scary.  Can I sleep at your house tonight?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, never mind.

===[[w:Jordy|Jordy]], &quot;Dur dur d'être bébé&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this kid a foreigner?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': I said, &quot;First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump.&quot; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

===[[w:Jeremy Jordan (singer, born 1973)|Jeremy Jordan]], &quot;[[w:The Right Kind of Love|The Right Kind of Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Check out this wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy Jordan''': Woo!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Jeremy Jordan''] Woo!  IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Change it.  Change it, Butt-head!  Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS!  CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Journey (band)|Journey]], &quot;[[w:Separate Ways|Separate Ways]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Partridge Family|The Partridge Family]]?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]].
:'''Beavis''': This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [[w:Steve Perry (musician)|this guy]] sucks! And then [[w:Neal Schon|''this'' guy!]] Just look at him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

===[[Judas Priest]], &quot;[[w:Painkiller (song)|Painkiller]]&quot;===
:'''Rob Halford''': ''FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!''
:'''Beavis''': [''does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey! [[w:Judas Priest#Subliminal message trial|I feel like killing myself!]] I feel like killing you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

==K==
===[[w:King Diamond (band)|King Diamond]], &quot;The Family Ghost&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from [[Sesame Street]]…[[w:Count von Count|The Count]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like [''imitating The Count''] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
:'''Beavis''': [''also imitating The Count''] Ahahahahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like &quot;Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

===[[w:King Missile|King Missile]]===
====&quot;[[w:Detachable Penis|Detachable Penis]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;[[w:penis|penis]].&quot; [''the duo [[laugh]] continuously for the remainder of the video'']

====&quot;[[w:Martin Scorsese (song)|Martin Scorsese]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:John S. Hall|John S. Hall]]''': This one's called &quot;[[Martin Scorsese]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh, &quot;Martin Scores Easy&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, this is [[#&quot;Detachable Penis&quot;|that dude who lost his penis]]!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He did that song about how he had a &quot;touchable penis&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

===[[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]], &quot;[[w:I Love It Loud|I Love It Loud]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents'']
:'''Butt-head''': Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe he's in trouble.
:[''the boy walks over to a TV'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's got a comb in his back pocket.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''KISS is shown on the TV screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': KISS rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
:'''Butt-head''': I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything.  I usually kick 'em in the nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff.  They say stuff like, &quot;AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': KISS is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When's [[w:Gene Simmons|he]] gonna spit some blood?
:'''Butt-head''': I like when he sticks his long tongue out.  [''Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out''] Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boy's mother is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.

===[[w:Kix (band)|Kix]], &quot;Cool Kids&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Holy crap!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
:'''Butt-head''': Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
:'''Butt-head''': No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That cop should hit him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Kix''': COOL! KIDS!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[w:Krokus (band)|Krokus]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': No, he's saying &quot;cool kids&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': These are supposed to be cool kids?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

===[[KMFDM]], &quot;[[w:A Drug Against War|A Drug Against War]]&quot;===
:'''Voiceover''': Kill everything, kill everything…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
:'''Butt-head''': What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I just care about my ass. [''In Cornholio accent''] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

===[[w:Chris Knox|Chris Knox]], &quot;Half Man Half Mole&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Cool, a cartoon.
:'''Butt-head''': Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
:'''Beavis''': So? Clay can be cartoons.
:'''Butt-head''': No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
:'''Beavis''': So? Drawings are things.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, [[w:Davey and Goliath|Davey and Goliath]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
:'''Beavis''': You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
:'''Butt-head''': I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [''imitating Goliath''] &quot;Uhh, Davey, you should try this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then Davey said &quot;Maybe I should pet you first.&quot; And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
:'''Butt-head''': I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

===[[w:Korn|Korn]], &quot;[[w:Blind (song)|Blind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Want me to strike you?
:'''Beavis''': No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [''Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.''] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. 
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': One can't help but be reminded of such bands as [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]], [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]], [[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': One is even reminded of [[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]] when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[''Butt-head hits him several times'']…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
:'''Butt-head''': You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow.
:'''Butt-head''': But then you did say spinxter.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

===[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], &quot;Is There Any Love in Your Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! [''Slaps Beavis'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. We should call him up and say &quot;Hey man, know where any parties are at?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, baby.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh. [''Beavis and Butt-head dance''] Lenny rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Lemmy|Lemmy]] does rule. Um, what does [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] have to do with what's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy. 
:'''Beavis''': I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You monkeyspank. [''Smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, check out that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
:'''Butt-head''': She must be like, the spare. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Right, Beavis.

===[[w:Kris Kross|Kris Kross]], &quot;[[w:Warm It Up|Warm It Up]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Warm it up, Kris!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Warm it up, Kris!  Warmer!  With fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How do those guys [[w:urinate|pee]] with their [[w:trousers|pants]] on backwards?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
:'''Butt-head''': Kross is the Mac Daddy.  And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  But they could both kick [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  What were ''we'' born to do?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...

===[[w:Krokus|Krokus]], &quot;[[w:School's Out (song)|School's Out]]&quot;===
:[''The video opens in a high school classroom.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it.  I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head:''' If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Whoa.  That locker's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Wait a minute.  What's this?  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
:'''Butt-head:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Heavy metal has come a long way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Three high school girls appear on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.  Chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really.
:[''The band is playing on stage.'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's sickening.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Lead singer [[w:Marc Storace|Marc Storace]] appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at his hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Look at his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His whole head sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  His chest is no picnic, either.
:'''Beavis''': He looks like [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Arnold_Dingfelder_Horshack|Horshack]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  With [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Juan_Luis_Pedro_Felipo_de_Huevos_Epstein|Epstein's]] hair.

==L==
===[[w:L7 (band)|L7]], &quot;[[w:Pretend We're Dead|Pretend We're Dead]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, it's The Go-Go's.
:'''Butt-head''': There are like, grudge chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Grubby chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I had ringworm in my nose once.  It was pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I remember.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's [[pretend]] we're [[dead]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool.

===[[w:LaTour|LaTour]], &quot;People Are Still Having Sex&quot;===
:[''A [[w:Mars symbol|Mars symbol]] shows up onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener? 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what wiener? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': It stands for wieners everywhere. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… yeah. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… people are still having sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
:'''Butt-head''': So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': Do you understand me?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand you, but where?! 
:'''LaTour''': Lust keeps on lurking…
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, come on! Who? Where? 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
:'''LaTour''': This AIDS thing's not working…
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, there he goes again!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [''Gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yea, bring me back a couple!

===[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]], &quot;No More 'I Love You's&quot;===
:[''A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [''camera scrolls up to dancer's face''] but it's a guy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What's her problem?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[''sings &quot;[[w:From a Distance|From a Distance]]&quot;'']. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Who did that song?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's [[Bette Midler|Butt Midler]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] divorce Minnie?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing [[w:Goofy|Goofy]]! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who's there?
:'''Beavis''': Eura. 
:'''Butt-head''': Eura who?
:'''Beavis''': You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
:'''Beavis''': Who's there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…eura.
:'''Beavis''': Eura who?
:'''Butt-head''': You're ain…urine.

===[[w:Letters to Cleo|Letters to Cleo]], &quot;Here and Now&quot;===
:[''the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot'']
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [''the camera pans down to her legs''] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, may I have another?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, [[Family Ties]], [[Full House]], [[w:My Two Dads|My Two Dads]], [[w:Growing Pains|Growing Pains]], [[w:One Day At a Time|One Day At a Time]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': [[Melrose Place]], [[Northern Exposure]], [[What's Happening!!]], [[w:Good Times|Good Times]], [[w:The Jeffersons|Jeffersons]]… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, [[Sally Struthers|that chick]] that used to be young and had big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And she was like, [[All in the Family|married to that dude and living with her parents]], and now she does [[w:ChildFund|those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! And she was also in that [[w:International Correspondence Schools|commercial for the career institute]], where she's going like, [''high-pitched voice''] &quot;You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''both laugh'']
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That'd be a good job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers nonsensically''] What? What did you say?
:'''Butt-head''': What? I didn't say anything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [''jabbers nonsensically''], didn't you say something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [''imitates Butt-head''] &quot;Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool&quot;, or something like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

===[[Jerry Lee Lewis]], &quot;Goosebumps&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
:'''Butt-head''': No, this is that dude that was in that movie.  He married his cousin, and then they [[w:Sexual intercourse|did it]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think that movie was called ''[[w:Great Balls of Fire|Great Balls of FFFFIRE!]]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': [''sternly''] Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry about that.

===[[w:Life of Agony|Life of Agony]], &quot;This Time&quot;===
:[''A man looks angrily towards the camera'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
:'''Butt-head''': You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [''Mocks Beavis's voice''] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''snickers''] Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that [[w:Christian Slater|Christian Slater]] dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like &quot;Christians? Later, dude.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
:'''Beavis''': If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Keith Caputo|Keith Caputo]]''': You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
:'''Butt-head''': Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
:'''Butt-head''': He's practically crying.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! That's too bad.

===[[w:Lil Nas X|Lil Nas X]]===
====&quot;[[w:Industry Baby|Industry Baby]]&quot; feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]]====
:''[as Lil Nas X polishes some Grammy trophies in a prison cell]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. ''[a twerking male is seen]'' See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X is seen wearing a pink uniform on the phone]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he like, working at [[w:T-Mobile|T-Mobile]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears]'' Uhhh...  Oh... never mind. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah... there he is...
:'''Butt-head''': Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. ''[Jack Harlow is in an [[w:electric chair|electric chair]], and electrocuted by Lil Nas X]'' Uh, oh. I guess they did.

====[[w:Montero (Call Me By Your Name)|Montero (Call Me By Your Name)]]====
:''[as the video begins in an ethereal landscape with a snake]''
:'''Lil Nas X''': ... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, [[w:Garden of Eden|that garden in the Bible]], where that chick, [[w:Eve|Eve]] or Eden, or whatever her name is [[w:Forbidden fruit|eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to]], and then it like [[w:Fall of man|puts a curse on the earth]].
:'''Beavis''': See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, [[w:Adam and Eve|God takes the rib out of]] [[w:Adam|that dude]], and makes a chick? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage. 
:'''Butt-head'''  Yeah. Neither would I. I'd just be a big blob of flesh with a bunch of chicks around me, and no bones. Except I'd still have ''one'' bone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Lil Nas X is surrounded by men in erotic clothing]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he ''definitely'' wants to. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for &quot;extremely interested in chicks?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X begins to caress a demon]''
:'''Beavis''': Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's [[w:Darth Maul|Darth Maul]]. Satan is like, part of the [[w:Marvel Universe|Marvel Universe]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a [[Satanism|Satanist]], and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and [[w:Libertarianism|Liberatarianism]] or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!
:'''Butt-head''': And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that [[September 11 attacks|7-Eleven]] was an [[w:9/11 conspiracy theories|inside job]]? They don't want you to know that. 
:'''Butt-head''': They suck.

===[[w:Live (band)|Live]], &quot;[[w:I Alone|I Alone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No he's not! Liar.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he is. He's like, &quot;I like what I see. I'll be right over.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': He said, &quot;I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said &quot;Where are your drums?&quot; and he’s like, &quot;Uhh, I thought they were in the van.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': And they’re like, &quot;You mean you didn’t bring your drums?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And they said &quot;Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

===[[w:LMFAO|LMFAO]], &quot;[[w:Champagne Showers|Champagne Showers]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, the same dance they did in [[w:Party Rock Anthem|Party Rock Anthem]], except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I thought like, that the [[Great Recession|ecomony sucks]], and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, [[wikipedia:Berry_Gordy|their grandpa is like the same guy]], so they don't care. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh... I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!

===[[w:Lordz of Brooklyn|Lordz of Brooklyn]], &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:American Woman (song)|American Woman]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption &quot;Scotty&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]. [''imitates Scotty''] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! [[w:Jump Around|Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!]]
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Scotty''] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
:'''Beavis''': These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be [[w:House of Pain|House of Pain]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And the [[w:Beastie Boys|Beastie Boys]], and uh, [[Goodfellas]]…
:'''Beavis''': And [[Reservoir Dogs|Resavore Dogs]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these guys, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
:'''Beavis''': I thought there was only one [[w:Jesus Christ|Lord]]. That's what they said in Sunday school.
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

===[[w:G. Love &amp; Special Sauce|G. Love &amp; Special Sauce]], &quot;Cold Beverage&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen this video before. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, [[w:Extra-sensory perception|ESP]]…[[w:ESPN|N]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna say &quot;Yeah, huh huh huh huh&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool! 
:'''Butt-head''': I knew you were gonna say that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': Cut it out, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't ever think about that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Is it a suitcase of some kind?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
:'''Butt-head''': No, but that's not a bad idea. [''slaps Beavis several times'']

==M==
===[[w:MARRS|MARRS]], &quot;[[w:Pump Up the Volume (song)|Pump Up the Volume]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this PBS?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uhh...I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the planet Saturn is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Uranus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uranus is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

===[[w:M.I.R.V.|M.I.R.V.]], &quot;Shave My Face Off&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
:'''Beavis''': I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
:'''Butt-head''': You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna suck.

===[[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fever (Madonna song)|Fever]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick was married to [[Sean Penn|that dude]] who would punch you if you took his picture.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That, uh, [[Woody Allen]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with [[w:Soon-Yi Previn|his daughter]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...not if his name was Woody. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  What if his name was Stiffy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well...maybe.  Stiffy Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Stiffy Allen!  Woodrow Allen!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Ahhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at her thingies!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  I like when they push together really close.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, dude.  She's filthy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Secret (Madonna song)|Secret]]&quot;====
:[''a faster version of the video is playing'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this sounds different.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it was slower before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And she was ''walking'' slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, me too.  I'd like to have sex with her.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah.  Yeah.  That would kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna looks pretty normal here.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.  But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, no - no, I'd ''do'' her.  No - yeah.  I mean, I'd ''do'' her, yeah.  I'm not saying that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair.  It's not white.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  So am I!  You know, during her videos?  Yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna.  When ''you'' spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um, that's ''little'' Beavis.  Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

===[[Marilyn Manson]]===
====&quot;[[w:Get Your Gunn|Get Your Gunn]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The housewife I will beat…
:'''Beavis''': The asswipe I will beat? 
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
:'''Beavis''': Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who cares?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! I think he's saying &quot;Get your gun.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is one of those &quot;Stop the violence&quot; things…you know, like enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, [[w:Give Peace a Chance|gave peace a chance]], and like…''[Butt-head smacks Beavis''] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[''Butt-head slaps Beavis again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

====&quot;[[w:Long Hard Road Out of Hell|Long Hard Road Out of Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…boy, [[Cher]] has sure gone downhill.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called [[w:menopause|mentopause]], and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think there's some [[w:urine|wee-wee]] there too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's [[Charles Manson]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
:'''Butt-head''': You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this [[w:Manson family|Manson dude's family]], and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Really? I'll be damned. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
:'''Butt-head''': These people are messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to make love to her. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Me too.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [''Beavis screams''] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis! 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
:'''Butt-head''': No I didn't, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yes you did! You said &quot;Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [''singing''] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's [[w:Matt Pinfield|Matt Pinfield]]!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Laughs''] Beavis is a lesbian.

===[[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], &quot;[[w:Take This Heart|Take This Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's touching his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch ''my'' wiener.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [''scratching his wiener, chuckling'']

===[[w:Ava Max|Ava Max]], &quot;[[w:Torn (Ava Max song)|Torn]]&quot;===
:''[the video continuously showcases a [[w:Fiat|Fiat]] car]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they keep showing this car?
:'''Butt-head''': Well Beavis, that's because it's the [[w:Fiat 500X|Fiat 500X]], the best mid-sized sedan on the market today. 
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead. 
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock. 
:'''Beavis''': Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable. 
:'''Beavis''': It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me. 
:'''Beavis''': What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!
:'''Butt-head''': No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which ''[[w:Car and Driver|Car and Driver]]'' recently called &quot;the ultimate thrill ride.&quot; Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there. 
:'''Beavis''': Why would Fiat give you a free car?
:'''Butt-head''': Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. ''[Beavis leaves to go look]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't see anything, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, are you sure?
:'''Beavis''': Yup. No cars out here at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon. 
:'''Beavis''': You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|MC 900 Ft. Jesus]], &quot;If I Only Had a Brain&quot;===
:[''Beavis hums along with the bassline'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, &quot;Take me to somewhere cool&quot;. Beavis, shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''still humming along''] Higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Still be here with you…
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': OOOWW!! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? [''smacks Beavis again''] Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': AH! OW! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Higher, higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [''fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.'']

===[[w:Reba McEntire|Reba McEntire]], &quot;[[w:Take It Back (Reba McEntire song)|Take It Back]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I'd like to make a motion.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!  [''moons the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot; reruns!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; reruns!  This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the one where they sing in court.
:'''Beavis''': No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the same show, dumbass.  There only ''was'' one show!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone'']
:'''Butt-head''': No sax in court!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The [[w:Prosecutor|prostitution]] rests!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Change it!  Change it, quick!

===[[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]], &quot;[[w:Don't Worry, Be Happy|Don't Worry, Be Happy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  I think I'm gonna try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  So am I.  [''slaps Beavis across the face'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm not worried.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Does ''this'' worry you?  [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head!  I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call me that, Butt-head!  [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': UUH!  I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
:[''the two start continuously hitting each other'']
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!  CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': AAAHH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, the fight's over, I won.
:'''Beavis''': No you didn't, Butt-head, ''I'' won.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[Mrs. Doubtfire|Mrs. Doubt''FIRE!'']]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think [[Robin Williams|that guy]]'s very funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...okay.

===[[Megadeth]], &quot;[[w:Sweating Bullets|Sweating Bullets]]&quot;===
::''See also: Megadeth, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot; by Megadeth|&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.''

:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  [''sounding like Dave Mustaine''] He doesn't talk like me.
:'''Butt-head''': He sorta talks like you.  He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that dude doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': That's [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].  
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Was this guy raised by wolves?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Wolves are cool.  If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too.  And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===The Meices, &quot;Daddy's Gone to California&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] driving a convertible'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar.  Um...whoa, that's that guy!  Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house?  That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I recognize him, that's him!  That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?  It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
:'''Butt-head''': You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I wasn't.  I was looking, like, ''around'' his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?  He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Well...you're ''almost'' there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Um, how do I get big and fat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it sucks!

===[[w:John Cougar Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]], &quot;Pop Singer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.

===[[w:Melvins|Melvins]], &quot;Hooch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Buzz Osborne|Buzz Osborne]]''': Los ticka toe rest…
:'''Butt-head''': What? I can't understand what he's saying.
:'''Beavis''': What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': …sender bright like a penelty…
:'''Beavis''': Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, like, right here, he says, uh…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
:'''Beavis''': Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
:'''Butt-head''': These words rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
:'''Butt-head''': If you had a boner, they would.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are submerged in water'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[Water]] is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [''sings along''] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

===[[w:Men Without Hats|Men Without Hats]], &quot;[[w:The Safety Dance|The Safety Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Beavis''': I think it's that bee from that [[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]] [[w:No Rain|video]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool, if [[Robin Hood]] came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Men Without Hats''': We can dance, we can dance…
:'''Butt-head''': This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need to go to a [[Pantera]] concert to learn how to dance.
:'''Butt-head''': They'd get their butts slammed around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

===[[w:Mercyful Fate|Mercyful Fate]], &quot;The Bellwitch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean the [[w:Hamburglar|Hamburglar]], dude.
:'''Beavis''': No, he's a Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, &quot;Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass.&quot; But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, &quot;You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Not if I spun it around really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [''high-pitched groaning'']. Like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.

===[[Metallica]]===
====&quot;[[w:For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica song)|For Whom the Bell Tolls]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yes!  Yes, yes!  ROCK!  ROCK!
:'''Butt-head''': Sit your ass down, [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]].  Play the drums like you're supposed to.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [''Lars Ulrich points at the crowd''] See?  He's said, &quot;There's Beavis&quot;, see? And there I am, right there!  See?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Your mom's a slut!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, Metallica sucks.  And you've never made out with a chick, either.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Shut up! [''the two can be seen hitting each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That [[w:James Hetfield|James Hetfield]] dude looks like the [[w:Cowardly Lion|Cowardly Lion]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES! YES! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Not really, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': I know. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose'']
:'''Butt-head''': See, look inside this dude's nose.
:'''Beavis''': I know. It's cool. Dumbass
:'''Butt-head''': Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. I think it's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like [[w:GWAR|GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

====&quot;[[w:One (Metallica song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's this?
:'''Butt-head''': You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on the rather clean and slow intro'']
:'''Beavis''': This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It starts going, &quot;Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Isn't he that dude on that [[w:The Addams Family|Addams Family]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of [[w:Lurch (The Addams Family)|Lurch]], dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He could kick [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]'s butt too.
:'''Butt-head''': Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Lurch''] Uhhh, you rang, [[w:Morticia Addams|Mrs. Addams]], uhhh?
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the music starts becoming more metallic'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': They rule.
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Sorry, man.

===[[w:MGMT|MGMT]]===
====&quot;[[w:It's Working|It's Working]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at [[w:IKEA|IKEA]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, &quot;sleep&quot; and &quot;get it on.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… &quot;just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… [[w:Foster care|the Fosters.]] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The drummer appears wearing a [[w:sombrero|sombrero]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
:'''Beavis''': Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… really?
:'''Beavis''': Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intoler-ble or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

====&quot;[[w:Kids (MGMT song)|Kids]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''?
:'''Beavis''': No no no no.  I've seen all of those.  Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, ''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]'' season 3!  I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
:'''Butt-head''': She's a lousy mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this Florida?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh… [''monsters and zombie-looking people around''] Yup, that's Florida.  Florida sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah that's messed up.  What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! They're like, &quot;Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you're one now!  It's time you start pulling your weight around here!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with [[AC/DC]] on it, then he would kick ass.

===[[w:The Mighty Mighty Bosstones|The Mighty Mighty Bosstones]], &quot;[[w:Detroit Rock City|Detroit Rock City]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Okay, here we go, another video.  Line 'em up.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:[''a car peels out'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, peel out!  Burn rubber, yeah!  Tear aaassssss!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two young men with long hair go inside a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, fight!  Fight!  Fight!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, hit him!
:[''a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep'']
:'''Beavis''': Kick the pumpkin!  Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  Hippies never break stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what about that [[w:Gallagher (comedian)|Gallagher]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men start vandalizing vehicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Throwing eggs, very nice.  M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house.  It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  I wish someone would toilet paper ''my'' house.  I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've been using this washcloth.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

===[[w:Milla Jovovich|Milla]], &quot;Gentlemen Who Fell&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The [[w:Return to the Blue Lagoon|second one]] of that [[The Blue Lagoon|first one]] where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears'']
:'''Beavis''': OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure did. And it was cool.
:'''Beavis''': I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You could see everything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
:'''Butt-head''': I like this song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, it's [[w:Death (personification)|Death]]!
:'''Beavis''': If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
:'''Butt-head''': Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
:'''Butt-head''': [''shudders''] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That spider's gonna do her.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she's naked again!
:'''Beavis''': Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': Her what?
:'''Beavis''': Her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean her butt, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
:'''Butt-head''': It's called a butt, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying &quot;butt&quot; sometimes.  I thought I'd throw rump in.

===[[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]], &quot;[[w:Barbie Tingz|Barbie Tingz]]&quot;===
:''[as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a ''whole lotta'' lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, &quot;Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong,&quot; and I'd be lying, but then my schlong ''would'' get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even ''need'' the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um,  I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': That was quite a ride, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my ''seventh'' leg?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that ''always'' grows up? Know what I'm saying?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says &quot;bitch&quot; I get to smack you. 
:'''Beavis''': No way! Why would I do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says &quot;butt,&quot; you can smack me. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.
:'''Butt-head''': Now let the games begin.
:'''Nicki Minaj''': ...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... ''[Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis]'' Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': ''[getting smacked]'' Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': Wait, I think she- ahh! ''[gets smacked more]'' Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': When we say &quot;Gun the bitch,&quot; dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!
:'''Beavis''': Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh! 
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...
:'''Butt-head''': I win. ''[smacks Beavis a few more times]''
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I did not think she would say &quot;bitch&quot; so much when I agreed- ''[Butt-head smacks him]'' Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- ''[gets smacked again]'' Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

===[[w:Ministry (band)|Ministry]], &quot;[[w:Just One Fix|Just One Fix]]&quot;===
:[''A tornado is shown on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now we're getting somewhere!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
:'''Butt-head''': Even [[William S. Burroughs|the old dude]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like the tornado.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Almost everything in this video is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
:[''A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink'']
:'''Butt-head''': So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AARGHH! That was disgusting!
:'''Butt-head''': You asked for it, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

===[[Kylie Minogue]], &quot;[[w:The Loco-Motion|The Loco-Motion]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]!
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah.  They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play [[w:Ken (Barbie)|Ken]].
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has more teeth than most people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bite me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She looks like that chick in the mall.
:'''Beavis''': Chicken what?
:'''Butt-head''': That chick in the mall!
:'''Beavis''': That chicken?  What do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': No, asswipe!  I'm talking about that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean that chick that works at [[w:Chick-fil-A|Chick-fil-A]]?  That chicken place?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  I'm not talking about chicken!  Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
:'''Beavis''':  Shut up, Butt-head!  You did talk about chicken!  You said that chicken mall!
:'''Butt-head''': I said that ''chick in the mall''!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is upbeat. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It makes me want to get up and beat it.
:'''Butt-head''':  You said &quot;up.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': This ''video''?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Missing Persons (band)|Missing Persons]], &quot;Words&quot;===
:'''[[w:Dale Bozzio|Dale Bozzio]]''': Do you hear me?
:'''Beavis''': [''Mocking''] Do you hear me? 
:'''Dale Bozzio''':  Do you care?
:'''Butt-head''': Do I care? No!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

===[[w:Moist (band)|Moist]], &quot;Push&quot;===
:[''The lead singer is tapping the side of his head'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's thinking.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
:'''Lead Singer''': (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy pronounces words weird.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''mocking the singer''] A little bit more than you could ever say. [''normal voice''] Heh, heh, heh. [''mocking the singer again''] Fade away, fade away. [''normal voice''] What kind of an accent is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''during the guitar solo'']
:'''Beavis''': What's that dude's problem?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going &quot;Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, what's he doing?
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

===[[w:Monster Magnet|Monster Magnet]], &quot;Negasonic Teenage Warhead&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay. Poop!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Uranus|Uranus]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin''] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out! A flying [[w:Pop-Tarts|Poop-tart]]! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, stop the car dude!
:'''Beavis''': I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll just talk about [[w:urine|wee-wee]]. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

===[[w:Morbid Angel|Morbid Angel]], &quot;God of Emptiness&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal [[w:music videos|videos]] with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer roars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. Was that a bear?
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. [''Beavis imitates the singer''] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, beavis, it's that dude from [[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy of Mayberry]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean [[w:Barney Fife|Barney]]? [''imitates [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]''] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to [[w:Mount Pilot|Mount Pilot]] and worship Satan.
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. [[w:Goober Pyle|Goober]] spelled backwards is &quot;booger&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is where it starts to get really stupid. [''imitates the singer''] Bow to me, faithfully…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me…uh…
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me faithfully…
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': [''in unison''] Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me splendidly…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

===[[w:Morphine (band)|Morphine]], &quot;Honey White&quot;===
:[''a beehive is shown onscreen'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's [[Jon Stewart]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's horny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark Sandman|Mark Sandman]]''': I like to see a little more fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in the video is spinning around'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Look what she's doing.
:'''Beavis''': I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

===[[Morrissey]], &quot;[[w:November Spawned a Monster|November Spawned a Monster]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''': Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
:'''Beavis''': You're lucky I didn't ''barf'' on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to hump a rock.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
:'''Beavis''': OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
:'''Beavis''': OW! OW! Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
:'''Butt-head''': You tell him, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

===[[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dr. Feelgood (song)|Dr. Feelgood]]&quot;====
:[''video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Somebody pitched a tent.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now this is feel-good music.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video tells a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is: [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]] is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That guy from [[w:Danzig (band)|Danzig]] could kick his ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What does &quot;Dr. Feelgood&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video has fire, and cars...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And tattoos, and leather.
:'''Butt-head''': Now all it needs is some chicks.  Then it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't as cool as ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Hooligan's Holiday|Hooligan's Holiday]]&quot;====
:[''a mouth is shown behind an open zipper'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think it's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I don't think that's ''her,'' Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, your mom's a road slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe.  She like, hangs out with bands like [[w:Foghat|Foghat]] and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  My mom's a slut!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Corabi''': Hooligan's holiday...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bennigan|Bennigan's]] holiday?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I thought they were open all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.  I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

===[[w:The Murmurs|The Murmurs]], &quot;You Suck&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, um...hmm.  Is this a diaper commercial?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, this is a [[w:Douche|douche]] commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Ahh, that's funny, douche.  [''cackles''] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that would rule!  'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': And I'm not talking about washing your ''whole'' butt -- I'm talking about washing your butt''hole''. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Murmurs''': And for that, you suck...
:'''Beavis''': Um...they just said you suck. 
:'''Butt-head''': No they didn't, they said ''you'' sucked.  They ripped off my idea for a song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you, like, already ripped off the idea for ''me'', bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that I shouldn't?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right.  Now sit there and shut up.  Nutsack. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's just a koala bear.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well alright, then.

===[[w:Mutha's Day Out|Mutha's Day Out]], &quot;Locked&quot;===
:''[the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What is all this stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, somebody's talking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, there's some guy going...''[mutters incoherent gibberish]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
:'''Butt-head''': Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are like a cross between like, [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on [[w:Hee Haw|Hee Haw]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. ''[sings]'' You met another and...''[farts]'' ...you was gone.''
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty good, Butt-head.

===[[w:My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult|My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult]], &quot;Blue Buddha&quot;===
:[''a man's cheeks are shown flapping'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you see that guy's cheeks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That was cool.  I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too.  I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': They should put ''that'' in every video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' all that stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': All ''what'' stuff?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff?  It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they ''always'' have on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, is that what that is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this song is called &quot;Blue Buddha.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pull up your pants, cut it out!

==N==
===[[w:Napalm Death|Napalm Death]], &quot;[[w:Plague Rages|Plague Rages]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, something's wrong.  It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It looks like it might come out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of ''Godzilla's'' butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If it ''did'' come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a decomposed horse is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time we found that dead horse?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That was sad.  Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead?  Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Me'shell Ndegéocello|Me'shell Ndegéocello]], &quot;If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)&quot;===
:'''Girl in video''': I feel like such an ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I feel like an ass, too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass, too?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a different girl in the music video screams'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
:'''Butt-head''': You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
:'''Beavis''': They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So like, this chick will only do you if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…[[w:Frustration|struss-frating]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up, and like…[[w:Free Your Mind|free your mind]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

===[[w:Ned's Atomic Dustbin|Ned's Atomic Dustbin]], &quot;All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': ''Maps''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you were like, &quot;Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He believed me!
:'''Beavis''': He was like goin': &quot;Uh huh, okay, uh hmm&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Um, is it normal to get wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! &quot;SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [''in a very high pitched voice''] &quot;''Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [''in a deeper voice''] &quot;Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You have a high voice, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!

===[[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], &quot;[[w:(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection|(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks look like guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one's not wearing a bra.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, asswipe.  They're Elvis' kids!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I get the one on the left.  You get the ugly one.  [changes channel]

===[[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]], &quot;Sister of Pain&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Cool!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?  This sucks!  Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  Vince Neil's a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]] fired this dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They fired him.  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Lee|Tommy Lee]] should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.  ''That's'' pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
:'''Beavis''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': What does that mean?  Who writes this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!

===[[w:New Kids on the Block|New Kids on the Block]], &quot;[[w:Hangin' Tough (song)|Hangin' Tough]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  They could kick 'em!  And punch 'em, too!  Like [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]]!  He could come out and kick all these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''New Kids on the Block''': Just hangin' tough...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;hangin'.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nine Inch Nails|Nine Inch Nails]]===
====&quot;[[w:Head Like a Hole|Head Like a Hole]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Head]]. Huh-huh, huh-huh. These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:March of the Pigs|March of the Pigs]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Those drums sound [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitates drum sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably listening to [[Pantera]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[Trent Reznor]] starts singing'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock! [''Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
:'''Butt-head''': You said [[w:douche|douche]].
:'''Beavis''': Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''during the [[w:Bridge (music)|bridge]] of the song''] This part of the song sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
:'''Butt-head''': [''bridge of song ends''] Yeah. That's more like it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just drunk off his ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''Reznor presses against keyboard''] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''farts towards the quiet end of song'']
:'''Beavis''': Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
:'''Butt-head''': Good night!

====&quot;[[w:Wish (Nine Inch Nails song)|Wish]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these [[w:music videos|videos]] have [[w:cage|cages]] in them?
:'''Beavis''': Because they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': This is like a [[w:zoo|zoo]], where they keep cool people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Nail (fastener)|nails]] are cool.

===[[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]]===
::''See also: Nirvana, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot; by Nirvana|&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.''
====&quot;[[w:Heart-Shaped Box|Heart-Shaped Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!  Nirvarna rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  This is cool!  But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  I wish I had nightmares about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary.  It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]], and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me.  AAAHHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song's chorus plays'']
:'''Butt-head''': This part rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Rock!  ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You know the bass player in this band?  He looks just like a regular guy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  It's like, [[w:Kurt Cobain|he]] pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?  So what?  You got a problem with that?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That room is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]'s bedroom.  I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No you're not!  You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I am too gonna fix my room up!  Butthole!

====&quot;[[w:Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells Like Teen Spirit]]&quot;&lt;!--The video is mislabelled onscreen as &quot;Teen Spirit&quot;.--&gt;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt! [[Nirvana (band)|Nivarna]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video''] Beavis's dad!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, [[w:Grunge|grudge]] music?
:'''Beavis''': Grudge music is that stuff those guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]] play.  Where ''is'' Seattle?  Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?  It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
:'''[[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]''': Hello, hello, hello, how low...
:'''Beavis''': Hello?  Hello?  Hello, may I help you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' teen spirit?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, if you don't know, ''I'm'' not gonna tell you.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look, this video has cymbals.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is that what they mean when they say videos have [[w:Symbolism|cymbalism]]?
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You said &quot;ism&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Pep rallies suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nitzer Ebb|Nitzer Ebb]], &quot;Fun to Be Had&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
:'''Beavis''': It was here that [[George Washington]] first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': An anchor!
:'''Butt-head''': [''mocking their accents''] Like an ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': Like an ankaa!
:'''Butt-head''': An ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': What you say should be from your own mind…
:'''Butt-head''': What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [''exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [''jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']

===[[w:Mojo Nixon|Mojo Nixon]], &quot;Elvis is Everywhere&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going &quot;I know that's right. Hallelujah.&quot; And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, &quot;Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, you're right. [''angry''] Dammit! I got ripped off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Nixon''': [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]] is in your jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Elvis  is in our jeans?
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has ''left'' my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, oh. Okay. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in [[Joan Rivers]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [''imitating Joan Rivers''] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Go-karts rule. 
:'''Beavis''': When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [''imitates an engine''] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

===[[w:Nudeswirl|Nudeswirl]]===
====&quot;Buffalo&quot;====
:[''video opens with a long object in the dark'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what the hell ''is'' that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, what the hell ''was'' that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what did he say??
:'''Shane Green:''': Sit them out on the edge of the river.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said!  I - I think he said &quot;river&quot;!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Good ear, Beavis.  So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, y - yeah.  [''buffalo horns are shown''] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': ...wolves ''eat'' buffalo!
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what they do for a living.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Buffalo rule!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': Die like hell, but you know you should care...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I...I just heard another word!  I think he said &quot;two&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;two,&quot; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a word.  That's a number.
:'''Beavis''': Well, so what, I heard it.  Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Or maybe two wolves.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  There's a ''chick'' in a river.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, see?  See, so that's why he said &quot;river.&quot;

====&quot;F-Sharp&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] if we had, like, [[w:garbage|garbage]] blowing around in the [[house]].

===[[Ted Nugent]], &quot;Heads Will Roll&quot;===
:[''a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ew! That was disgusting!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that dude from [[w:Damn Yankees (band)|Damn Yankees]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should chop other people's heads off in [[w:music videos|videos]]. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to look all scary.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
:'''Beavis''': At least it was gruesome.

===[[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;[[w:Cars (song)|Cars]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]?
:'''Beavis''': No way.  I mean, this guy's a puss!  But it's a different puss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is [[w:Androgyny|andropynous]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Audrey Nuna|Audrey Nuna]], feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]], &quot;Comic Sans&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Audrey rapping and acting nonchalantly]''
:'''Beavis''': Why's she so bored?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor]'' What?! Again?!
:'''Beavis''': You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's like &quot;Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo &quot;Jack Harlow sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. &quot;Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then I'd be like, &quot;No, I want it on ''your'' forehead.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Then he'd be like, &quot;Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh...&quot;

==O==
===[[w:Mark O'Connor|Mark O'Connor]], &quot;The Devil Comes Back to Georgia&quot;===
:''[as the video starts energetically with fire and other flashy effects]''
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! 
:''[their excitement begins to dwindle as [[w:Charlie Daniels|Charlie Daniels]] is seen playing his fiddle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... uhhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Yea- uh... huh... uh...
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]''': ''[on a hill with a Bible]'' Been ten long years [[w:The Devil Went Down to Georgia|since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet]], and it burned inside his mind...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Look at this guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Who's he talking to?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmm... I don't know. 
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, one of those priests?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': &quot;The sin of pride,&quot; the devil cried, &quot;is what will do you in.&quot;
:'''[[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]]''': &quot;I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that? ''[mockingly]'' &quot;I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... or will you let the devil be the best?
:'''Beavis''': That dude on the hill is pretty cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Travis Tritt|Travis Tritt]]''': &quot;Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that supposed to be [[w:Satan|Satan]]?
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like that [[w:Wolfgang Van Halen|fat dude]] in [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].
:'''Beavis''': They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen scarier Satans in a [[w:Mr. Big (American band)|Mr. Big]] video. What's he doing with his hands?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], and it would have been scarier than this!

===[[w:Sinead O'Connor|Sinead O'Connor]], &quot;[[w:Nothing Compares 2 U|Nothing Compares 2 U]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No way.  Check out this chick.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This sucks.  Change it.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Odds (band)|Odds]], &quot;Heterosexual Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, &quot;Hey, how's it goin', man?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then they'd kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean on the TV?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  ''In'' the TV.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  Okay, look at the TV.  You see those guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's where I saw the naked chick!
:'''Beavis''': Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Are you stupid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Oh Land|Oh Land]], &quot;White Nights&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
:'''Beavis''': She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, &quot;ooh, yeah.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She's like, &quot;uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, very good! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Have another drink and continue.
:'''Beavis''': And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
:'''Butt-head''': The rich guy's probably like, &quot;uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff.&quot; And he's like &quot;if you want, I can help you become a citizen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.

===[[w:Oingo Boingo|Oingo Boingo]], &quot;[[w:Weird Science (song)|Weird Science]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope''] That chick is really hung.
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't funny!  Dumbass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they didn't let that dude back in [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]]?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is like, complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's stupid.

===[[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]], &quot;Sacred Emotion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those beer commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing…..&quot;Step out of the old, and into the cold&quot;…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…&quot;Nothing Beats a [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Butt!]]&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he's a wuss. 
:'''Butt-head''': He probably has saggy pecs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know their dad, [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Osmond]], like, [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killed one of the presidents]] or something?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
:'''Butt-head''': That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Is this the [[w:Mormon Tabernacle Choir|Moron Tabernacle Choir]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I hate this [[w:Mormon music|moron music]].

===[[Our Lady Peace]], &quot;Starseed&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, it's those &quot;Black Hole Sun&quot; mountains!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: &quot;Up on your left is Soundgarden&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [derisively] ''Church''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, [[w:Snake_handling|snakes in church]], and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
:'''Beavis''': I know, but I've seen it in [[w:music videos|videos]] and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: &quot;''Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! &quot;''Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…''&quot;
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': &quot;…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care.  And we'll all join in and sing!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

===[[w:Overkill (band)|Overkill]], &quot;Hello From the Gutter&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I would watch it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Ellsworth|Bobby Ellsworth]]''': Hello from the gutter!
:'''Beavis''': What's he saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think he's saying &quot;yellow butter&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Ellsworth''': Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Beavis''': [''doing a high-pitched impersonation''] '''WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'''

==P==
===[[w:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], &quot;[[w:Simply Irresistible (song)|Simply Irresistible]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those [[w:karaoke|croaky-okey]] bars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, &quot;I'm crazy…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…&quot; [''mock-Chinese gibberish''] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say that, Beavis!

===[[Pantera]]===
====&quot;[[w:I'm Broken|I'm Broken]]&quot;====
:'''Both''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [''turns the volume down'']
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go''] Here we go.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock, rock, rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': [''trying to yell above the noise''] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
:'''Beavis''': I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT?
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
:'''Beavis''': IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
:'''Beavis''': OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
:'''Butt-head''': LET ME SEE!! [''presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level''] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
:'''Beavis''': DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
:'''Butt-head''': LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

====&quot;[[w:Mouth For War|Mouth For War]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Phil Anselmo|Phil Anselmo]]''': WRONG!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay. [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This singer looks pretty mean.
:'''Beavis''': Do you think he gets all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
:'''Beavis''': The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

====&quot;[[w:This Love (Pantera song)|This Love]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so. [[w:Phil Anselmo|This guy]]'s dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. He was like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He was like, &quot;You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!&quot;

===[[Dolly Parton]], &quot;More Where That Came From&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is that chick with those big hooters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah!  [''imitating Dolly Parton''] WORKING NINE TO FIVE!  IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dolly Parton''': I know I've got some stiff competition...
:'''Butt-head''': ''Stiff'' competition?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  She's talking about us.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, country music?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  I mean big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Pavement (band)|Pavement]]===
====&quot;Cut Your Hair&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's &quot;BUTT-WIPE&quot; music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members trips over a table'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: &quot;Soooo, how's school?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually say: &quot;It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool! 

====&quot;Rattled by the Rush&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, it's another one of these. [''Beavis groans''] They need to try harder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is just horrible.
:'''Beavis''': If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like [[w:The Jesus Lizard|Jesus Lizard]]! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think these guys are just lazy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': You poop in the tub?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're disgusting, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Heheh, yeah.

===[[Katy Perry]], &quot;[[w:Firework (song)|Firework]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you light the fireworks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, yeah, I tried, but every time I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katy Perry''': You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
:'''Beavis''': My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that [[w:Dove (toiletries)|Dove model]] by the pool. You are a waste of space.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not a firework.
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [''Kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] I am a firework!
:'''Butt-head''': [''in agony''] Dammit, Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': I'm an [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]].

===[[Tom Petty]], &quot;It's Good to Be King&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that kid from that &quot;[[w:Losing My Religion|Losing My Religion]]&quot; video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Petty''': It's good to get high…
:'''Butt-head''': It's good to get high?
:'''Beavis''': What kind of message is that sending?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own [[w:perineum|taint]]. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': See, I'm always thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Velvet Jones|Velvet Jones]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. He's cool. [''imitates [[Eddie Murphy]]''] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah , yeah. [''also impersonating Eddie Murphy''] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, &quot;How to Be a Ho&quot;! [''normal voice''] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's on TV, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
:'''Butt-head''': He got famous because he's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

===[[Phish]], &quot;[[w:Down With Disease|Down With Disease]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Diving into the what?
:'''Butt-head''': The fishtank, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
:'''Beavis''': Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's a toilet. See?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Fish are stupid.
:'''Butt-head''': They're like &quot;Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. [''Beavis opens his mouth wide''] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

===[[Pink Floyd]], &quot;[[w:High Hopes (Pink Floyd somg)|High Hopes]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, is this Yanni? [''pause''] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
:'''Beavis''': Are they from England?
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [''sings''] &quot;The grass was greener…&quot; and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - &quot;Wha-ha!&quot; - and then I would score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name &quot;Pink Floyd&quot;, and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it ''is'' wuss music, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

===[[w:Pizzicato Five|Pizzicato Five]], &quot;Twiggy, Twiggy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. [''sings in a fake Mexican accent''] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What language is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think it's like…French.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Or Mexican, or something.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [''Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are &quot;taco supremo&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from ''[[w:My Three Sons|My Three Sons]]''! That's [[w:Barry Livingston|Ernie]] from ''My Three Sons''! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [''Imitates Ernie''] Hey [[w:William Demarest|Uncle Charley]]. Seems like a lot of work to me.
:'''Beavis''': [''Also imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Continuously imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and [[w:Stanley Livingston|Chip]] are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
:'''Beavis''': And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [''Imitates Uncle Charley''] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

===[[w:Plain White T's|Plain White T's]], [[w:1, 2, 3, 4 (Plain White T's song)|1, 2, 3, 4]]===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, one of those commercials where you don't know what it's for.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is it for?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's that one where guy's like, &quot;When disaster strikes, you want to be covered.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No no, that one has [[w:Dennis Haysbert|that guy]] who [[w:David Palmer (24)|used to be president]] before [[w:Barack Obama|Obama]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, it's another one of those boner drug commercials.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Everyday, millions of Americans can't get wood.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ask your doctor is Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, double vision, blurriness, dizziness, confusion...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And a boner that goes on for four hours.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

===[[w:Plasmatics|Plasmatics]], &quot;The Damned&quot;===
:[''video opens with this message: &quot;WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS.  YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out.  A warning!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That means they're gonna do something cool.
:[''a fire is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like that fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  [[w:Wendy O. Williams|She]]'s almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she has nails coming out of her arms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Come to Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she's holding a bomb.
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is gonna be cool!
:[''the bus smashes through the TVs'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  Check it out!  This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus'']
:'''Butt-head''': This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And TVs getting smashed, and screaming.  It's got something for everyone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:[''Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
:'''Butt-head''': Now that really ''was'' cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Buster Poindexter|Buster Poindexter]], &quot;Zat You Santa Claus?&quot;===
:'''Buster''': ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Butt-head''': This guy seems pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those &quot;[[w:Cannibalism|cannibists]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, &quot;cannilbulsists&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': How come boogers don't, like, stink?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

===[[Poison (band)|Poison]]===
====&quot;I Want Action&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember back when they used to play [[w:music videos|videos]] by these guys all the time?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that really sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, [''high-pitched voice''] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the names of the band members are flashed onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bobby Dall|Bobby]]. [[w:C. C. DeVille|C.C.]], and [[w:Bret Michaels|Brettt]]!
:'''Beavis''': And don't forget [[w:Rikki Rockett|Rikki]]!

====&quot;[[w:Unskinny Bop|Unskinny Bop]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': And to think that [[w:Bret Michaels|this dude]] used to boff [[Pamela Anderson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Like that would ever happen.
:'''Beavis''': I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…[[Tony Robbins|Anthony Roberts]], he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, [[w:Scott Baio|Scott Baio]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

===[[w:Porno for Pyros|Porno for Pyros]], &quot;[[w:Pets (song)|Pets]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these squares?
:'''Beavis''': [[Orange (colour)|Orange]] squares suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
:'''Beavis''': Geometry's not about squares.  It's about triangles and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': I meant ''advanced'' geometry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys sure got wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker!  These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]]===
====&quot;[[w:Circles (Post Malone song)|Circles]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with Post Malone, in medieval armor, kneeling]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Jesus Christ of the Lord, God on High, thank you for making me Post Malone.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Thank you for making me rich, and have lots of chicks too. Amen.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Whoa, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong! It's just wide open! And his testes too!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he just doesn't care about his weiner.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. &quot;An evil rises in [[w:Mordor|Mordor]], but Post Malone shall not wear any armor on his schlong!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a woman without a mouth is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' &quot;A bad guy now... I don't believe it...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he looks lazy. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the mouthless woman is shown with long braided hair]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.
:''[she's seen walking into a river]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.

====&quot;[[w:Cooped Up|Cooped Up]]&quot; feat. [[w:Roddy Ricch|Roddy Ricch]]====
:''[while Post Malone smokes a cigarette while he sings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.
:'''Butt-head''': When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked. 
:'''Beavis''': If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those [[w:electrolarynx|throat voice box things]] where you have a hole in your throat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made ''that'' cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, &quot;Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch]'' Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he's like, &quot;Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway.&quot;

===[[w:The Power Station|The Power Station]], &quot;[[w:Get It On (T. Rex song)#Power Station version|Get It On (Bang a Gong)]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's almost naked!  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is dancing behind a flame'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Pussy Galore|Pussy Galore]]!
:'''Butt-head''': That's that chick from [[w:Goldfinger (film)|that movie]] about that guy with those numbers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people.  That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [[w:James Bond|James Bong]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;bong.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Power Station''': Get it on, bang a gong...
:'''Butt-head''': They said &quot;bong&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a toilet!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]] it.
:'''Butt-head''': We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': We could put a [[w:Urinal|uriner]] right next to the TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can just take a leak right here.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't have enough toilets in videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need more toilets in videos.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like more of those uriners.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Those are cool.

===[[w:Primal Scream|Primal Scream]], &quot;[[w:Rocks (song)|Rocks]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Bobby Gillespie|Bobby Gillespie]]''': Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
:'''Beavis''': Um…wha'd he say?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you can't beat that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. [''slaps Beavis, who screams''] Don't start with me today.
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't. I was starting with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Gillespie''': Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you know, like, doing it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, no…
:'''Butt-head''': That's the way it should be.
:'''Beavis''': Uh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This like, uh… kinda rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
:'''Butt-head''': There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No, I mean she was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

===[[w:Primus (band)|Primus]]===
::''See also: Primus, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot; by Primus|&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.''

====&quot;[[w:DMV (song)|DMV]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:The Benny Hill Show|the Benny Hill Show]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [''sings''] [[w:My Name is Mud|My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!]]
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe [[w:Les Claypool|this guy]] will spit again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Les Claypool''': If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said &quot;If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
:'''Butt-head''': Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots]]. Kick 'em in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
:'''Beavis''': Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, BBs and raisins and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis!

====&quot;[[w:My Name is Mud|My Name is Mud]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''about lead singer [[w:Les Claypool|Les Claypool]]''] That looks like that dude from ''[[w:Deliverance|Deliverance]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Remember that part with that pig?
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a pig, Beavis.  That was [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've watched that movie seven times.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.  &quot;Squeal like a pig, boy!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Les Claypool spits'']
:'''Beavis''': Spit!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''three fat men are shown in a sauna'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Fat people!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They don't have enough fat people in videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And more spit in videos.  Like, people hocking loogies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  More spit, and more fat people.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Fat people are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Prince (musician)|Prince]], &quot;The Most Beautiful Girl in the World&quot;===
:[''Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check out his unit!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this chick is flat!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you see that unit?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That means it's not a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, she has to be naked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
:'''Beavis''': Really? How come you were naked?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
:'''Butt-head''': [''chuckles''] [[w:oral sex|Mouthing]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

===[[w:The Prodigy|The Prodigy]], &quot;[[w:Poison (The Prodigy song)|Poison]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're cracking concrete!
:'''Beavis''': Um, [''nonchalantly''] you said &quot;crack.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile.  [''imitates the bass line'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time.  I've been meaning to do a tribute to my ''own'' turds.  It's called &quot;Poop: A Retrospective.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hootie &amp; the Blowfish|Hootie &amp; the Blowfish]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That would be cool.  It'd be like, &quot;With a little love, poop!  And a little tenderness!  Plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.

===[[w:Prong (band)|Prong]]===
====&quot;Prove You Wrong&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They should have, like, &quot;Heavy Metal Choir&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Y'know what makes this band COOL?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
:'''Butt-head''': They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!&quot; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Screaming is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! &quot;AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!&quot;

====&quot;Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck&quot;====
:[''video opens with a dripping faucet'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  A little something for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Victor|This dude]] must use the same shampoo as me.
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this that band, Schlong?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  It's ''Prong''!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh.  Well...I wasn't that far off.  Butthole.

===[[w:Public Image Ltd.|Public Image Ltd.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Rise (Public Image Ltd song)|Rise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's beating her carpet.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We should do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It ''looks'' cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[John Lydon]]''': I could be [[wrong]], I could be right, I could be [[black people|black]], I could be [[white people|white]]...
:'''Butt-head''': You're white.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle''] He's got a hair stiffy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of old people is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Lydon''': I could be wrong...
:'''Butt-head''': You're wrong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's ''all'' wrong.  And his hair is orange.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

====&quot;The Body&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this a bakery?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:John Lydon|That guy]] has a disease.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got wussyitis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had an operation?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I had my tonsils removed once.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That means you were neutered, dude!
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, that's what they do when they [[w:Castration|remove your testicles]]!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I was thinking of having my [[w:Mucous membrane|mucous membranes]] removed.  That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember [[w:Mucus|mucus]].  So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool!  Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.

===[[w:The Pursuit of Happiness (band)|The Pursuit of Happiness]], &quot;Cigarette Dangles&quot;===
:[''the lyrics flash on the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': What?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I hate words.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Words suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe Berg''': Your cigarette dangles...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;dangle.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's pretty cool!  You're pretty smart, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==Q==
===[[w:Quicksand (band)|Quicksand]]===
====&quot;Delusional&quot;====
:[''band member [[w:Walter Schreifels|Walter Schreifels]], who resembles [[w:Jim Carrey|Jim Carrey]], is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's that guy from ''[[w:Dumb and Dumber|Dumb and Dumber]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  I think that's Dumb.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman approaches a car'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  We need to get one of those!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I know!  I know!  I KNOW!  I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head.  It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick.  Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff.  It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going!  And all it takes is just getting that first chick!  Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch!  I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, oh yeah.  Sorry about that.

====&quot;Dine Alone&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I wish I had a shirt like that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a bathtub is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool.  It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  I hope you were joking.
:'''Beavis''': Um...y - yeah.  Yeah, that was pretty funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, rule and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.

===[[w:Quiet Riot|Quiet Riot]], &quot;[[w:Cum on Feel the Noize|Cum on Feel the Noize]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I saw that guy in detention!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
:'''Butt-head''': Rise and shine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These effects aren't very special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These effects suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==R==
===[[R.E.M.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Nightswimming|Nightswimming]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! They almost showed that chick's butt!
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, but close only counts in horseshoes and like, uh, lemonade, or something.

====&quot;[[w:Pop Song 89|Pop Song 89]]&quot;====
:[''censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer [[w:Michael Stipe|Michael Stipe]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Michael Stipe|That chick]] has small boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You can tell even with that black square on there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lyrics start crawling across the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': How many times do I have to say this?  I hate [[w:music videos|videos]] with [[words]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If I wanted to [[read]], I'd go to [[school]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks!  How come they don't show boobs?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Shiny Happy People|Shiny Happy People]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Happiness.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Um, uh, you said &quot;penis.&quot;  Just thought I'd tell you.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  Why do you think they call it &quot;happiness&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, ''you're'' happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now!  Feelin' pretty happy!   Shiny.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  You're a miserable piece of crap.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm happier than ''you.''
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yep.  Feelin' pretty good!  [''sings along quietly''] Shiny happy people!  Yeah!  Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun!  Shiny happy people!  [''Butt-head smacks him''] AAHHHH!

===[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]], &quot;[[w:Fake Plastic Trees|Fake Plastic Trees]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''Let's get a little mellow''.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit…he's always going, &quot;I must say,&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then he's always saying he's gonna be on [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]], and he's, like, all into [[w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak]]. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, sure. [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': AHH! OWW!! Um…[[w:Ed Grimley|Ed Grimley]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You hit me?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

===[[w:Raging Slab|Raging Slab]], &quot;Anywhere but Here&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman spitting out a coin'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Gary Coleman|that little dude]]!
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Wasn't that that kid from &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Skynyrd]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, [[w:Arnold Jackson (character)|Arnold]].  Where are [[w:Willis Jackson (character)|Willis]] and [[w:Kimberly Drummond|Kimberly]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if they're in the same jail?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Right alongside [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Danny Bonerduce]].
:'''Beavis''': Danny Bonaduce!  ''Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  He's gonna say it.
:'''Beavis''': Say it!  SAY IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Say it!  Say it, bumwipe!
:'''Gary Coleman''': What'chu talkin' about?

===[[w:Railroad Jerk|Railroad Jerk]], &quot;Rollerkoaster&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah. Is she Chinese?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's that [[w:Connie Chung|Connie Schlong]] chick that [[w:Connie Chung#Kathleen Gingrich interview controversy|called the president's mom]] a bitch on TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lead singer''': But sex!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anal sex|Butt sex]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's ''your'' mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them. 
:'''Butt-head''': I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Isn't she already easy enough?
:'''Beavis''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': [''humoring him''] Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that looks kinda like [[Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. You're thinking of ''me'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. I was thinking of ''me'', actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

===The Rake's Progress, &quot;I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''seeing a man milking a cow''] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
:'''Butt-head''': No, you squeeze its boobs!
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, [[w:udder|that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [''Beavis lets his jaw hang open''] This feels kinda good.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe I'll try it. [''Butt-head lets his jaw hang open''] This is pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own pud.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, was I there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

===[[Ramones]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot;====
:[''the duo are watching &quot;[[w:Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)|Physical]]&quot; by [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. Let's watch something [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:[''flips channel; &quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot; by the [[Ramones]] is on'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally''] Dananananananana dananananananana!

====&quot;[[w:Pet Sematary (song)|Pet Sematary]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Fire]]'s [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Dead]] [[animals]]'re [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:Substitute (The Who song)|Substitute]]&quot;====
:[''the video opens with a man giving a lecture'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, where are the drums?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe this is rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! I think that was him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Joey Ramone|Joey Ramone]]''': But I'm a substitute…
:'''Beavis''': Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, [''a painting of [[w:Kojak|Kojak]] is shown for a split second''] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, she's a slut!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And [[w:Sean Yseult|that chick]] from [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing in this video?
:'''Butt-head''': He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he says: [''disoriented''] &quot;Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

===[[w:Rancid (band)|Rancid]], &quot;Nihilism&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
:'''Beavis''': Aah, shut up Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
:'''Beavis''': I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. &quot;I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.&quot; Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't you ''ever'' tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor''] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''In pain''] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

===[[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]]===

::''See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Search And Destroy&quot; covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers|&quot;Search And Destroy&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.''

====&quot;[[w:Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Higher Ground]]&quot;====

:'''Butt-head''': (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': You could have &quot;I'm a puss&quot; tattood on your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Show Me Your Soul|Show Me Your Soul]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': This ''doesn't'' suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony Kiedis]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys get all the chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Flea is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': I like the skull.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''masks are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  A mask!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's like that joke, &quot;If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, dillweed, that's not how it goes!  It's, &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You mean, &quot;If your dog was as ugly as you.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's pretty funny.

===[[w:Rednex|Rednex]], &quot;[[w:Cotton Eyed Joe|Cotton Eyed Joe]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…what is this?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I know. This is that song &quot;Cotton-Eyed Joe&quot;, we used to sing this in kindergarten.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
:'''Butt-head''': That was back when school was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
:'''Butt-head''': You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

===[[w:The Reverend Horton Heat|Reverend Horton Heat]]===
====&quot;Psychobilly Freakout&quot;====
:'''Jim Heath''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is weird!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing [[video games]] all day and like, drinking Slushies.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jim''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [''shaking''] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Jim''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh huh huh.
:'''Jim''': IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': &quot;DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!&quot; Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score a lot of points.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

====&quot;Wiggle Stick&quot;====
:[''video opens with snakes'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, snakes are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've got a good feeling about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': This guy rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This guy rocks!  He ROCKS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along badly''] I got a wiggle stick, mama!  [''normal voice''] ''I'' got a wiggle stick.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, don't wiggle it here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Get him!  Get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did I mention that this is cool?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think so.

===[[w:Rockwell (musician)|Rockwell]], &quot;[[w:Somebody's Watching Me|Somebody's Watching Me]]&quot;===
:[''a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap on the newspaper?
:'''Beavis''': I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a dog is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those [[w:Labrador Retriever|Lavatory Retrievers]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your [[w:Testicle|nads]].
:'''Butt-head''': Your dentist inspects your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Doesn't yours?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  That's what the ''doctor'' does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': My dentist ''always'' looks at my nads.  I have full coverage.  Yeah.

===[[w:Olivia Rodrigo|Olivia Rodrigo]]=== 
====&quot;[[w:Drivers License (song)|Drivers License]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like [[w:James Bond|James Bond]]? How do you get one of those?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, &quot;Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him. 
:'''Beavis''': No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly. 
:'''Butt-head''': Peace...

====&quot;[[w:Good 4 U|Good 4 U]]&quot;====
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ''[dancing with a group of cheerleaders]'' Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...
:'''Beavis''': You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The coach is like, &quot;Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend.&quot;
:''[as Olivia Rodrigo dances in a room engulfed in flames]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ... Like a damn [[w:Psychopathy|sociopath]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... what is that word, &quot;soshiopath?&quot;
:'''Beavis'''  Oh, yeah yeah, I wonder what it means. 
:'''Butt-head''': That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself. 
:'''Butt-head''': You'll die alone. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

===[[w:The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]], &quot;Emotional Rescue&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think this is [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].  Yeah, yeah!  They're gonna pull that guy's spine out!  YAAAAHHHHH!  AAAAHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was cool.  The mother of all wars has begun!  YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  Incoming scud!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
:'''Beavis''': And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She's a slut!  And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Rollins Band|Rollins Band]]===
====&quot;Disconnect&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar!  &quot;Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out!  I'll kick your ass!  Liar!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!  Those aren't the words.
:'''Beavis''': WHOA, WHORES!  Check it out, Butt-head!  Whores!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Whores rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would suck to be a cab driver.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool.  I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, &quot;Where are you going today, ma'am?  Okay.  How do you get there?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You would suck, Beavis.  You sounded like a stupid dork.  You're never gonna be able to do anything.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street'']
:'''Beavis''': Check out this part, Butt-head.  &quot;Excuse me, hey.  Hey, excuse me, pardon me.  Hey!  Hey, dammit!  Hey!  Hey, watch it!  Dammit!  Dammit!  Man!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups'']
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video.  This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Liar (Rollins Band song)|Liar]]&quot;====
:'''Henry Rollins''': So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …in darkness and [[seclusion]].
:'''Beavis''': Darkness rules!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …and then you meet me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter &quot;R&quot; on his chest'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
:'''Butt-head''': Lying rules.

===[[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]===
====&quot;Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This dude used to be the lead singer for [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].  They got that video, &quot;[[w:Right Now (Van Halen song)|Right Now]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that video with all those words on the screen.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David wishes he had his old job back.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David is planning to kill [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Hey, where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude dances like [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mallomar]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But he doesn't suck as much.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  John Cougar Military Camp.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Just Like Paradise|Just Like Paradise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's stuck in a crack.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guitar is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's shaped like one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
:'''Beavis''': No, that one's on her shoulder.  She's got a battleship on her butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking David Lee Roth's long hair''] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;member.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Sing, fat boy!  Sing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Paradise sucks.  Yeah.

====&quot;She's My Machine&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...who the Hell ''is'' this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um...um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  He kinda looks familiar, too.  Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  Uh, is it Sting?
:'''Beavis''': No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, [[w:One Day at a Time|One Day at a Time]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not!  I think it's David Lee Roth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah right.  Um...maybe it's, umm--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth.  Oh my God!
:'''Beavis''': Oh!  Yeah, yeah, it's him!  Where are all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  It's like, something's wrong with him.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm concerned about him.

===[[w:Run-D.M.C.|Run-D.M.C.]], &quot;[[w:Down with the King (song)|Down with the King]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is a def jam.  These guys are def.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  You mean they can't hear?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Are you down with the king?
:'''Beavis''': Are they talking about, like, [[w:Don King|Don King]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, he was talking about [[w:Burger King|Burger King]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete Rock''': ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  College sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't like knowledge, either.

===[[RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Supermodel (You Better Work)|Supermodel (You Better Work)]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick is hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Would you make out with her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd be all over it!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  That's a ''guy'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way!
:'''Butt-head''': You want to make out with a dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh!  He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Rush (band)|Rush]], &quot;Stick It Out&quot;===
:[''video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that Jesus?  Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I think it's [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]].
:'''Beavis''': Umm...no, I think it's... [''disappointed''] oh, it's Rush.  Oh, God.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating the Rush song &quot;The Spirit of Radio&quot;''] ''Invisible airwaves crackle with life!  Bright antennae bristle with the energy!'' Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you happen to be a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair.  That's a good idea for a video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, didn't they do that before?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''this'' guy's on a pole.
:'''Beavis''': O - oh yeah, yeah.  No, wait a minute, Butt-head!  I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.  He had tattoos, though.  That's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I remember that.  Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's right.  That's right.  M hm.  [''chuckling''] Pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Pole.
:'''Beavis''': I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.  You're right.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==S==
===[[w:Sagat (rapper)|Sagat]], &quot;Why Is It? (Funk Dat)&quot;===
:'''Sagat''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Did you hear that?  He said, &quot;Funk dat.&quot;  Funk dat!  Yeah, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question...
:'''Butt-head''': Queshtun.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Queshtun!
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  STEP ON HIM!  Kick him in the nads!  KICK HIM!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Funk dat, funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question!
:'''Beavis''': [''parroting Sagat''] Queshtun!
:'''Sagat''': Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
:'''Beavis''': Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
:'''Sagat''': ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Question.  Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months? 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Question.  Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it?  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should get this guy on that [[w:60 Minutes|16 Minutes]] show instead of that old [[w:Andy Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] dude they got.  He sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Check this out, Butt-head.  [''imitating [[w:Andy Rooney|Andy Rooney]]''] You know what I don't understand?  Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes?  Yeah. Funk dat!
:'''Butt-head''': You sound just like that buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Check this out, too. [''imitating Andy Rooney again''] How come they call it &quot;[[w:defecation|taking a dump]]&quot; and not &quot;leaving a dump&quot;?  I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere!  Yeah.  Funk dat!

===[[w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Push It (Salt n Pepa song)|Push It]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I like chicks with leather jackets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': Push what?
:'''Beavis''': Push it!  Push it!  Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': What are they talking about, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it good!
:'''Beavis''': Push ''what?''
:'''Butt-head''': Push that little button on the remote.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Jacob Sartorius|Jacob Sartorius]], &quot;Chapstick&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh-huh-huh... white people. 
:'''Beavis''': This is like a boy band, but with just one person. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And he actually is a boy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he looks like he's 11. Yeah, check this out, Butt-head. Yeah, I mean this is kid, he's young you know, when he says, &quot;Hey you wanna come back to my crib?&quot; He means an actual crib! You know what I'm saying? He's young, so...
:'''Butt-head''': You're in rare form today, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah, I don't wanna say he's young, but you know, this chick thinks he's got wood, but it's just his diaper's full. He's young, this kid! ''Hey-ooo!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... isn't it like illegal for a girl her age to be with a kid his age?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a victim. Uh-huh-huh-huh...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jacob Sartorius''': ... nothing between us, but chapstick...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Nothing between us, but chapstick?&quot; What's that even mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'll tell you one thing that's not between him... pubic hair.
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, that's kinda mean. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't care! He's rich, and he gets to score when he's 11? He'll be just fine.

===Sausage, &quot;[[w:Riddles Are Abound Tonight|Riddles Are Abound Tonight]]&quot;===
:[''music starts, then suddenly stops'']
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': What the hell was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.  What the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmm, I think this is [[w:Primus (band)|Primus]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''notices the lights on the band members' heads''] Hey, Butt-head.  What are those lights for?
:'''Butt-head''': That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  You mean it's dark in your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  You know when they say, &quot;Stick it where the sun don't shine&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Mm hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': They're talking about your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh!  I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something.  But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh!  Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  We should go see these guys in concert.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
:'''Beavis''': The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

===[[w:Scandal (American band)|Scandal]], &quot;[[w:Goodbye to You (Scandal song)|Goodbye to You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at these special effects.
:'''Beavis''': These special effects suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
:'''Butt-head''': You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about singer [[w:Patty Smyth|Patty Smyth]]''] Is this [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Nebatar]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with [[w:Don Henley|Dan Henley]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patty Smyth''': Goodbye to you.
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to glue.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Patty Smith''': Goodbye to you...
:'''Beavis''': [''high-pitched voice''] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to poo!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Scatman John|Scatman John]], &quot;[[w:Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop|Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)]]&quot;===
:'''Scatman John''': Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
:'''Beavis''': ''[freaking out]'' AAH!! AAAHH!! ''[convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him]'' OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's the Scatman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
:'''Butt-head''': There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
:'''Beavis''': They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say &quot;Hi, would you like a tie today?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Those places are stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this sure is horrible. ''[snickers]''
:'''Butt-head''': The United Colors of [[w:Benetton_Group|Bentaton]]...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scatman John''': Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
:'''Beavis''': You know, it kinda sounded like he said &quot;Poop&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
:'''Beavis''': How'd you know that?
:'''Butt-head''': I learned that when I did my report on feces.

===[[w:Scorpions (band)|Scorpions]], &quot;[[w:Rock You Like a Hurricane|Rock You Like a Hurricane]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
:'''Beavis''': Nah, he told [[w:Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]] he doesn't really sleep in a [[w:Hypobaric chamber|hyperbolic chamber]].  And he has a [[w:Vitiligo|skin disease]].
:'''Butt-head''': You watch ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?!  [''laughs''] What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah.  ''Right'', Beavis.  What a wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not just a [[w:Hair Club|Hair Club]] member -- I'm the president!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You said &quot;[[w:Penis|member]]&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Let's try to find a video that ''doesn't'' suck.

===[[w:Seaweed (band)|Seaweed]], &quot;Kid Candy&quot;===
:[''video opens with no music'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what happened to the sound?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ummm...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right!  You remind me of, like, [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a photo of a bicycle is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE!  Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is!  That's my bike.  That dude ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...did you lock it?
:'''Beavis''': Uhh...um, uh, maybe not.  These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
:'''Beavis''': That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis, ''I'' stole your bike.  It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week.  It looks just like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay, Beavis.  You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I guess.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], &quot;Rebelene&quot;===
:[''video is set at a gas station'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
:'''Butt-head''': Look who's talking, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair.  My hair's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis.  He's like, wearing some kind of [[w:Coonskip cap|Davy Crockett hat]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis!  It's, like, a squirrel or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]] in the band!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's pronounced &quot;Dun''dee'',&quot; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I didn't know he played.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He jams with [[w:Midnight Oil|Midnight Oil]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  He sounds better with these guys.  I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's, like, getting on my nerves.  It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!  And check the oil, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And wash my windows, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call him that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, buttknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before!  And don't call ''him'' that, either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Brian!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was pretty cool.  Hey, Butt-head.  I might get a guitar.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Then in the morning, you could like, just say, &quot;Uh, I'm practicing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;I'm wack-tising.&quot;  Yeah.

===[[w:Shaggy (artist)|Shaggy]], &quot;[[w:Boombastic|Boombastic]]&quot;===
:'''Shaggy''': Mr. Boombastic!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating Shaggy''] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Shaggy's accent''] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers in a fake Jamaican accent, the only comprehensible words are &quot;romantic&quot; and &quot;bombastic&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Bombastic! Yeah. [''imitating Shaggy''] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What does &quot;bombastic&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying &quot;Uhh, this is bombastic&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going &quot;Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!&quot;, you know, stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [''imitating Shaggy''] &quot;This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Smooth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this accent he's talking in?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass, it's foreign!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Shaggy''] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…

===[[w:The Shamen|The Shamen]], &quot;[[w:Ebeneezer Goode|Ebeneezer Goode]]&quot;===
:'''The Shamen''': A great philosopher once wrote, &quot;Naughty, naughty, very naughty.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating''] ''Naughty!  Naughty!  Very naughty, naughty!  Naughty, naughty!  Naughty!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from [[w:England|that country]] where everything sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they all talk like wussies.  ''Naughty!  Very naughty!''
:'''Butt-head''': People from that country are stupid.  [''mock-British accent''] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bloody well right!

===[[w:Shonen Knife|Shonen Knife]], &quot;Tomato Head&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh no!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.  Anytime.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  This really isn't very good! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Uh, I ''know'' that, Butt-head.  Tell me something I ''don't'' know.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  You know the last time you went to the bathroom? 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...
:'''Butt-head''': It was cool!
:'''Beavis''': I knew that!  I spit it out.
:'''Butt-head''': No, you didn't.  You drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I remember that.  But I didn't eat it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!  You ate the cracker.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I took the turd off and finished the cracker.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah.  This sucks!  Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Shudder to Think|Shudder to Think]], &quot;Hit Liquor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Don Henley|Don Henley]]!  I didn't know he was a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': You ''didn't?''  Where have you been, Beavis?  He's a ''total'' wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me see, um...[[w:Sting|Sting]], yeah, he's a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, who else, umm...[[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]]?  Yeah, he's a wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And don't forget [[w:Jackson Browne|Jackson Browne]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': This is scary, Butt-head!  What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I guess so.  I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  So would I, yeah.  Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': You were probably serious!
:'''Beavis''': Well, no.  Not really.

===[[w:Sick of It All|Sick of It All]], &quot;Step Down&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude should get a better apartment.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
:'''Butt-head''': No we don't.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
:'''Butt-head''': No we're not.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least we have lots of friends.
:'''Butt-head''': Not really.
:'''Beavis''': Are we healthy?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Our lives suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We're cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These dances are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads &quot;The Dillhole&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. Remember this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads &quot;The Bunghole&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Or how about this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads &quot;The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

===[[w:Silverchair|Silverchair]], &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Silverchair song)|Tomorrow]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:More Than a Feeling|More than a feeling]]…
:'''Butt-head''': I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
:'''Beavis''': CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That song's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't the sixties, dillhole! 
:'''Beavis''': My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail. 
:'''Beavis''': I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle ''didn't'' go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I am ''not''. Shut up, Butt-head. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, &quot;Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see.&quot;

===[[Frank Sinatra]] &amp; [[Bono]], &quot;[[w:I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Jack Webb|that guy]] from ''[[Dragnet]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
:'''Beavis''': [''Bono appears on screen''] Yeah. My name's Boner. 
:'''Butt-head''': My name's Boner's dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on Frank Sinatra''] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, some dude from [[Eagles (band)|The Eagles]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, one of those [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]] guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think that's [[Keith Richards]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He needs to say &quot;Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He needs to say &quot;Get in your room and practice, dammit!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You'd make a good father, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, classic rock?
:'''Beavis''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank Sinatra''': I've got you under my skin…
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;skin.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''Laughs''] &quot;Skin.&quot;

===[[w:Sir Mix-a-Lot|Sir Mix-a-Lot]], &quot;[[w:Baby Got Back|Baby Got Back]]&quot;===
::''See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Monsta Mack&quot; by Sir Mix-a-Lot|&quot;Monsta Mack&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.''

:'''Butt-head''': I like [[w:buttocks|butts]]. Huh-huh. Butts are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

===[[w:The Sisters of Mercy|The Sisters of Mercy]], &quot;[[w:Doctor Jeep|Doctor Jeep]]&quot;===
:[''television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, ''[[w:Jeopardy!|Jeopardy]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Uh, I'll take &quot;Stuff That Sucks&quot; for 500, Alex.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What is [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You are now discolorfied.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of televangelist [[w:Jimmy Swaggart|Jimmy Swaggart]] is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out, Beavis.  [''imitating Jimmy Swaggart''] ''&quot;I have sinned against you!&quot;''  That was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:CNN|CNN]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  How come they never show reruns on the news?
:'''Butt-head''': They ''do!''  That's why it sucks!  Every time you see something, it's already happened.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That would be great!

===[[w:Six Finger Satellite|Six Finger Satellite]], &quot;Parlour Games&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [''leaves the room''] It's all this damn video's fault! [''sounds of banging metal can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''more intense crashes and bangs can be heard''] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': The video still sucks!
:'''Beavis''': [''more crashes and bangs can be heard''] This is cool, Butt-head! [''the crashing and banging becomes really intense''] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
:'''Beavis''': [''going really crazy with the crashing and banging''] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [''breaks something''] OW!! OW!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I cut my leg! [''re-enters''] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': [''leaves''] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [''crashes can be heard'']

===[[w:Skatenigs|Skatenigs]], &quot;Chemical Imbalance&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Skateboards are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  You've never skateboarded in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that.  But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You liar!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Lying is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, this band sucks.  But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.  So it's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Skee-Lo|Skee-Lo]], &quot;I Wish&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be [[Forrest Gump]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
:'''Beavis''': That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some [[w:M&amp;M's|Enamems]] and spank my monkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said &quot;I don’t care how big your turds are.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going &quot;I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, &quot;They call me Mr. Poop a lot.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
:'''Beavis''': But um…oh. Oh, I see!

===[[w:Skrew|Skrew]], &quot;Picasso Trigger&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no it's not.  I think it rocks later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...might as well be.
:'''Beavis''': What-- [[w:Marcus Welby, M.D.|Marcus Welby]], what...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses'']
:'''Butt-head''': Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts.  Check this out.  &quot;Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know.  I bet I could score.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe.  But you're never gonna get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I can get a ''fake'' one.  I'd be like, &quot;Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay.&quot;  Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Skrillex|Skrillex]], &quot;First of the Year (Equinox)&quot;===
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now! [''man gets thrown back telikinetically'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.  Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
:'''Butt-head''': …

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad.  He's like, &quot;Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?  Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd be like, &quot;Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see 'Smurfs' again, and then she started warping space and time.

===[[w:Slash's Snakepit|Slash's Snakepit]], &quot;Beggars &amp; Hangers-On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...whoa!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This is ''bad!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what happened to [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  These guys were probably, like, &quot;Okay, Axl.  I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then [[w:Eric Dover|this guy]] came along, and he was, like, &quot;Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they were, like, &quot;Hmm, tights.  Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights.  Just don't wear any high heels or anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...who is this guy?  This guy looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, &quot;It's ''my'' football!  Give it back!  I'm gonna go back to ''my'' house!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Remember that time he shoved his [[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]] up your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?  Cool.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know who else this guy looks like?  He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  He's like, &quot;You got some money?  All the money I find on you is mine!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Slaughter (band)|Slaughter]], &quot;Real Love&quot;===
:[''a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head.  &quot;You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': How did this ever happen?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, because...[''sees [[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''] WHOA!  That's that [[w:Brenda Walsh|Brenda bitch]] from [[w:Beverly Hills, 90210|Beverly Hills]] [''becomes hyperactive''] ''902356781234567898265''-- [''Butt-head slaps him''] Uh, 210.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say &quot;Beverly Hills&quot; and forget about the numbers, okay?
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, why the hell is she hanging out with ''these'' wussies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Bitches are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bitches rule! [''they change the channel'']

===[[Slayer]]===
====&quot;Seasons In the Abyss&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Where the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What are those guys on the horses?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like the Desert cops.  They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah they were playing too loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Not loud enough, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  MOUW MOUW MOUW  ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, look its those [[w:Sphinx|things]].  Those big [[w:Egyptian Pyramids|triangulids]].
:'''Beavis''': What?  I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember like, in [[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|that movie]], that [[w:Moses|Moses]] dude built them?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It was like, in the [[w:1950's|50's]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then he went and wrote the [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Condiments]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Thou shalt not suck.

====&quot;Serenity In Murder&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Haven't we seen this video before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say &quot;OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's like [[w:The Silence of the Lambs (film)|that movie]] we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, &quot;No way!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Like, remember that movie, ''[[w:The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid. That's [[w:Mercury Seven|never gonna happen]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, ''[[w:Alive (1993 film)|Alive]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a plane would really [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|crash like that]].

===[[w:Slim Whitman|Slim Whitman]], &quot;[[w:I Remember You (1941 song)|I Remember You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy looks like a mass murderer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He looks kinda like you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's supposed to be better than [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]] and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's not as cool as [[w:Metallica|Metallica]], though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why does he keep looking up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude sounds like he was neutered!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is Satanic country music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I feel like killing myself.

===[[w:Smashing Pumpkins|Smashing Pumpkins]], &quot;[[w:Today (Smashing Pumpkins song)|Today]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Billy Corgan]]''': Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
:'''Butt-head''': He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': And the Froggies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should like, get together with the [[w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors]], and like, paint stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder why.

===[[Snoop Dogg]], &quot;[[w:Gin and Juice|Gin and Juice]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
:'''Butt-head''': We got to get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Woah, he just touched her boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''to the music''] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [''speaking''] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you're a G for ''gonad''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton? 
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. 
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a ''white wussy'' from ''right here''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you used to go to the ''flea market'' with your ''mom''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Yep, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': …shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, ''shut up''. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': [''mumbling''] Um, heh, oh yeah.

===[[w:Jill Sobule|Jill Sobule]], &quot;I Kissed a Girl&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These houses look fake, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
:'''Beavis''': Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said &quot;Harry Behemoth&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?
:'''Beavis''': I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing [[w:Fabio Lanzoni|Fabio]]''] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
:'''Butt-head''': You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a [[w:lesbian|thespian]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes &quot;Nyayayayayayayaya!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go &quot;WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;, and talk about stools and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

===[[Sonic Youth]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bull in the Heather|Bull in the Heather]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': 10, 20, 30, 40…
:'''Beavis''': How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Counting rules.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Romper Room|Romper Room]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on [[w:Kathleen Hanna|Kathleen Hanna]]'s appearance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
:'''Butt-head''': The what?
:'''Beavis''': You know, the sih…um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against [[w:Thurston Moore|Thurston Moore]]'s crotch'']
:'''Beavis''': HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
:'''Beavis''': Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [''Butt-head does a double take and laughs''] Um, wait a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': What???
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

====&quot;[[w:Dirty Boots|Dirty Boots]]&quot;====
:[''a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says &quot;2.00&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
:'''Beavis''': That's a good deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a woman in the video''] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
:'''Beavis''': I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you should have said &quot;Hey, baby&quot; then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit'']
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, dude, she wants you!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, yeah, go for it!
:'''Beavis''': Grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': C'mon! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': See, now that dude knows how to do it.
:'''Beavis''':

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Thurston Moore]]''': And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
:'''Butt-head''': Tell the story of the choad?
:'''Beavis''': This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It's your story too, butthole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing'']
:'''Butt-head''': If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
:'''Butt-head''': That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

===[[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]]===
====&quot;[[w:Black Hole Sun|Black Hole Sun]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn'']
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's face!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I can make a face like that, check this out.  [''opens his mouth'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head.  [''a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face''] AAHHHHH! AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Th - that was scary, man.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That scared the bejesus out of me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle'']
:'''Beavis''': Aaawwwwww!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Aaawwwwww.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': Black hole sun, won't you come...
:'''Beavis''': Black hole sun.  Black hole?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Black hole?
:'''Beavis''': Um...hey Butt-head, what is a [[black hole]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole.  But it's like--
:'''Beavis''': [''interrupting''] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out!  That's that chick from Whale!  Remember?  That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': So, like...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to [[Hell]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  That’s cool.  So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': From watching ''[[Star Trek]]'', bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Outshined|Outshined]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy kicks ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Chris Cornell|This guy]] looks like [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Christ is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': I'm lookin' California...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Seattle kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is everybody in Seattle cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you go to [[w:Seattle|Seattle]], anybody you see is cool.  We should go, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude from the Spin Doctors.  He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.

====&quot;[[w:Rusty Cage|Rusty Cage]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''Yes!''
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] kicks ass!

====&quot;[[w:Spoonman|Spoonman]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, ''they're'' not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Cornell|Chris Cornell]] ([[w:Ben Shepherd|Ben Shepherd]])''': All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
:'''Beavis''': All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
:'''Beavis''': Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

===[[Spın̈al Tap]], &quot;The Majesty of Rock&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's the [[w:Elizabeth II|President of England]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She jams!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's those guys from [[This Is Spinal Tap|that movie]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Tap rules.

===[[w:Stacey Q|Stacey Q]], &quot;[[w:Two of Hearts|Two of Hearts]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?  Let's call her up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That would rule!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her [[w:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
:'''Butt-head''': Just ''look'' at her, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah.  Yeah.  I think I'm gonna go tie ''my'' tube.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this music sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...what music?  Oh, oh yeah!  So like, um, what is this &quot;two of hearts&quot; crap?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, when you're playing poker.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I have a straight! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Stone Roses|The Stone Roses]], &quot;[[w:Love Spreads|Love Spreads]]&quot;===
:[''a man jumps up and down'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a man dressed in a devil costume''] Uhh...hey [[w:Satan|Satan]], how's it going?
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The real Satan doesn't do videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  You know, I can talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': No you can't!
:'''Beavis''': Yes sir!  Check this out. [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo.  Loohcs ni yats.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Do it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...okay.  Okay.  Check this out.  Um, okay, here it goes.  Um... [''backwards speech''] hguone si hguone. [''normal speech''] See? [''backwards speech''] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!  So like, what did you say just then?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I said, I said, um, &quot;Hey, how's it going?&quot;  Yeah, yeah.  You should try it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let me see.  Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, see?  See, ''anybody'' can do it.  [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.  [''normal speech''] That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you do that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you just talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''how''?
:'''Beavis''': Like ''this''. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot!  I can't do it anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': You can't do it anymore.

===[[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]]===
====&quot;[[w:Plush (song)|Plush]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  [[Eddie Vedder]] dyed his hair red.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.  [[w:Scott Weiland|That guy]] makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
:'''Butt-head''': They both make faces like that [[w:John Belushi|John Belushi]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's dead.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped ''them'' off.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Pearl Jam came first!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, they both suck.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a rottweiler is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': That bear is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, ''that'' might work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna dye my hair orange.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You'd look good, Butt-head.  You should do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Vasoline|Vasoline]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I'll stick around for that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in [[w:music video|videos]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]]''': Flies in the vasoline…
:'''Beavis''': Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
:'''Butt-head''': I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything. 
:'''Beavis''': No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
:'''Beavis''': That was cool.

===[[w:The Stranglers|Stranglers]], &quot;Skin Deep&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Why do people make [[w:music videos|videos]]?
:'''Beavis''': And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? How come?
:'''Beavis''': My butt's asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'll be back later. [''exits'']
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[''turns around'']…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [''sings along''] Better watch out for the skin deep. [''yells''] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [''exits''] Hey Beavis, wait up!

===[[w:Stray Cats|Stray Cats]], &quot;Rock This Town&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Billy Idol?
:'''Beavis''': This is a story.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Then he got in a motorcycle accident.  And there was blood.  The end.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that [[&quot;Weird Al&quot;]] dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Setzer''': Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
:'''Beavis''': There's gonna be a fight?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
:'''Beavis''': Fight!  Fight!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's gonna [[sex|get some]] 'cause he's &quot;Weird Al.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, &quot;Give me some.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[Styx (band)|Styx]], &quot;[[w:Too Much Time on My Hands|Too Much Time on My Hands]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… [''The two laugh dismissively'']
:'''Beavis''': What's this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An old woman is sitting in a bar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Hanging out in bars again.
:'''Beavis''': That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … is this cable access?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': They should call it cable suckcess.
:'''Beavis''' Yeah, cable suckcess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at [[w:Dennis DeYoung|this dork]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What a dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play [[w:Pantera|Pantera]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Her dad kicked your ass.

===[[w:Sugar Ray|Sugar Ray]], &quot;Mean Machine&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This sounds like &quot;Wipeout&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': [''half-laughing''] I think this is…&quot;Butt-Wipeout&quot;. [''laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, that's just hockey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're singing about a car.
:'''Beavis''': See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [''begins &quot;singing&quot;''] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
:'''Beavis''': What's cool about it?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
:'''Beavis''': You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
:[''Butt-head smacks Beavis'']

===[[w:Sugartooth|Sugartooth]], &quot;Sold My Fortune&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [''Hums along with bass line''] See?
:'''Butt-head''': I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's [[w:futon|one of those]] beds that folds into a couch.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''Two people are fighting in the video''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7&quot; or something.

===[[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], &quot;[[w:Institutionalized (song)|Institutionalized]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Cyco Miko]]''': Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Sometimes ''I'' try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways ''I'' want it to, and… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Cyco Miko''': …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say &quot;Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cyco Miko''': …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's under a lot of stress.
:'''Beavis''': [''ranting''] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say &quot;Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better&quot;. I say &quot;Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself&quot;, and they keep saying &quot;Beavis, Beavis&quot;, and like, I don't know what to do…
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This is cool.

===[[w:Superchunk|Superchunk]], &quot;Package Thief&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Their fingers aren't even moving.  What a bunch of fartknockers!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fakers, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Is there a chick in this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...wait a minute!  That's not a chick.  That's a puppet.  These are ''all'' puppets!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, yeah, yeah.  Uh, yeah.  Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet.  Check this out.  [''high-pitched voice''] Hello everybody!  We're gonna have fun today!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Pull your pants up!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, about the mail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think so.  Where does the mail go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Then where does it go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes to the North Pole.  And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Thanks, Butt-head.  You're interesting.

===[[w:Supergrass|Supergrass]], &quot;[[w:Caught by the Fuzz|Caught by the Fuzz]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That looks like that dude from [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]].
:'''Beavis''': That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [''Butt-head laughs'']

===[[w:The Supersuckers|The Supersuckers]], &quot;Creepy Jackalope Eye&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Monkees|the Monkees]]?
:'''Beavis''': They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
:'''Butt-head''': That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, &quot;Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. I don't get it.
:'''Butt-head''': She was a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! [''they both chuckle'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that [[City Slickers]] movie?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Remember that one part where [[w:Billy Crystal|that guy]] like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

===[[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]], &quot;Demon Juice&quot;===
:[''an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm...
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...you know what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't really feel like watching this right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I thought of that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if it's on.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': But if it's not on...
:'''Beavis''': M hm?
:'''Butt-head''': ...who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel to the video &quot;Don't Go Breaking My Heart&quot; by Elton John and RuPaul'']

==T==
===T'Baby, &quot;It's So Cold in the D&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but either way it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is this [[w:The Real Housewives|Real Housewives]] of Detroit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''T'Baby''': I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
:'''Beavis''': Hanging and banging…
:'''T'Baby''': How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
:'''Beavis''': Stacking papers, you know…
:[''The lyrics go off-tempo'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm lost.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…
:'''Beavis''': Bump bump bump bump…
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
:[''The two pause, then resume, their dancing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Something's off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think she was in [[The Lion King|Lion King]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! 
:[''The two resume dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…

===[[w:T'Pau (band)|T'Pau]], &quot;[[w:Heart and Soul (T'Pau song)|Heart and Soul]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Call now for live one-on-one [[conversations]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Share your [[w:Emotional intimacy|intimate]] [[thoughts]]!
:'''Butt-head''': A dollar ninety-five per minute.
:'''Beavis''': Must be 18 or older.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
:'''Beavis''': We could tell her that she ''sucks''.
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's name is T'Pau.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's Spanish for &quot;this sucks.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The more things [[change]], the more they ''suck''.
:*This is a play on the phrase, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; coined by [[French]] [[critic]], [[journalist]], and [[novelist]] [[Alphonse Karr]].

===[[Talking Heads]], &quot;[[w:Wild Wild Life|Wild Wild Life]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I don't like [[w:music videos|videos]] that suck.

===[[w:Tank (American singer|Tank]] feat. [[w:Ty Dolla Sign|Ty Dolla $ign]] &amp; [[w:Trey Songz|Trey Songz]], &quot;[[w:When We|When We (Remix)]]&quot;===
:''[the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Here at TT&amp;T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;That's the TT&amp;T guarantee.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If we don't score with your women, your repair is free.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Our satisfaction is guaranteed.&quot;

===Terence Trent D'Arby, &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah? Liar?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Tesla (band)|Tesla]], &quot;Call It What You Want&quot;===
:[''the two are sleeping at the start of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ughh!
:'''Beavis''': What, what?  I feel asleep there.  Yeah.  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it's [[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Jeff Keith|That dude]] looks like [[w:Heidi Fleiss|Heidi Fleiss]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's skanky!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And she's ugly.
:'''Butt-head''': She's what you call ''fugly.''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a ''fugly, skanky whore.''
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh oh, sorry about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as ''yours,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartcracker!  I could kick this dude's ass!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fart''knocker,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And for the last time, you can't kick ''anybody's'' ass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger.  Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': No really, Butt-head.  I had some last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but then you spit it out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:that dog.|that dog.]], &quot;Old Timer&quot;===
:[''the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And they have a bunch of [[w:corn dog|horn dogs]] working there.
:'''Beavis''': They have horn dogs?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say &quot;I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken&quot;, and I say [''angry''] &quot;Dammit, it's always broken!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Fryer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
:'''Butt-head''': We could put the hairnets on our nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
:'''Butt-head''': You put a hairnet on your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at [[w:Shakey's Pizza|Shakey's]]…
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.

===[[w:The The|The The]], &quot;I Saw the Light&quot;===
:[''Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that [[w:Late Night with David Letterman|late night]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, &quot;Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': That's kinda disgusting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Matt Johnson (singer)|Matt Johnson]] walks among the edge of a tall building'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Nobody has any balls anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no, and I don't care either.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…[[w:&quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile Dumbdee]], and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this is kind of like [[w:Let It Be (film)|that movie]] with [[The Beatles]] in it, where they're playing on the roof.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I saw that on the [[w:Discovery Channel|Discovery Channel]]. The Beatles suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard [[w:Murder of John Lennon|they had an opening]].
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Opening.&quot; [''Cackles'']

===[[w:George Thorogood|George Thorogood]], &quot;[[w:Bad to the Bone|Bad to the Bone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This song is about a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  It's about a ''bad'' boner, isn't it?
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once.  That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.  That sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  I'm sorry.  I stand corrected.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener.  It's pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's cool!  Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  We should ask it, &quot;Does this video suck?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Signs point to yes.&quot;

===[[w:Tiësto|Tiësto]] and [[w:Karol G|Karol G]], &quot;[[w:Don't Be Shy|Don't Be Shy]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]''
:'''Beavis''': Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It is the perfect crime. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]''
:'''Butt-head''': It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump. 
:''[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa.  What's his ''other'' hand doing?
:'''Butt-head''': He's doing a ''different'' kind of fist pump down there. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, there's something ''else'' dancing down there about the same size. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's masturbating. 
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either. 
:'''Butt-head''': Nothing wrong with that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. ''[a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping]'' Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
:'''Butt-head''': Tiësto. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, &quot;Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside.&quot; And then he's like, &quot;Uh, no, you're gonna thank me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.&quot;

===[[w:Tiffany (singer)|Tiffany]], &quot;[[w:I Think We're Alone Now|I Think We're Alone Now]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This is mall music.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]?
:'''Beavis''': Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!  She'd kick her!
:'''Butt-head''': She should join a gang, like [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': One chick from [[w:L7 (band)|L7]] could kick all of their asses combined.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!

===[[w:Toadies|Toadies]], &quot;[[w:Possum Kingdom|Possum Kingdom]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Make up your mind…
:'''Butt-head''': I already made up my mind; this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that a body?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah I think so.
:'''Beavis''': You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
:'''Butt-head''': They should have killed the people who made it.
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Cornholio''] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, really? What else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, what else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
:'''Beavis''': AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You’re old.
:'''Beavis''': So, um, Butt-head, what would you do, like, if I died?
:'''Butt-head''': I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more [[w:comfort|comfstrable]].

===[[w:Tones and I|Tones and I]], &quot;[[w:Cloudy Day|Cloudy Day]]&quot;===
:'''Tones''': But your mama always said, &quot;Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What's she saying? &quot;Mama always said look up into the sky?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': My mom never said anything like that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like &quot;Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said &quot;There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks.&quot;

===Tool, &quot;Prison Sex&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are. 
:'''Butt-head''': No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that black dude. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'. 
:'''Beavis''': Get 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
:'''Beavis''': That's not a moth-er. That's a bee. 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee. 
:'''Beavis''': You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.

===[[w:Tricky|Tricky]], &quot;Black Steel&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
:'''Beavis''': What dude?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, that [[w:Scott O'Grady|pilot dude]]. That one who was like, in a plane and he [[w:Mrkonjić Grad incident|got shot down]] over [[w:Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bogna-Hersnaslovignia]]. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
:'''Beavis''': He lived off BUGS???
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Martina Topley-Bird|Martina Topley-Bird]]''': But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she ''is'' black.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!&quot;

===[[w:Tripping Daisy|Tripping Daisy]], &quot;I Got A Girl&quot;===
:[''[[w:Tim DeLaughter|the lead singer]] is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it'']
:'''Butt-head''': Zip him back up. He sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
:'''Butt-head''': They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
:'''Beavis''': My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, what are some other operations?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your [[w:tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

===[[w:Jen Trynin|Jen Trynin]], &quot;Happier&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa check it out, they got some of that [[w:Kaopectate|Keeyotepcate]] up there, up above that guy's hands.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?
:'''Beavis''': It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.
:'''Beavis''': It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
:'''Butt-head''': You still have it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
:'''Beavis''': Why?

===[[w:Tyler, the Creator|Tyler, the Creator]], feat. [[w:Kali Uchis|Kali Uchis]], &quot;[[w:See You Again (Tyler, the Creator song)|See You Again]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this Tyler, the Creator? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
:'''Butt-head''': You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of a lifeboat out at sea]''
:'''Butt-head''': If I was stranded on a lifeboat with [[w:Kali Uchis|that girl]], I'd be like, &quot;Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, make that four.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]''
:'''Beavis''': What country's army is this?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
:''[Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. ''[Tyler is in a ghost costume]'' See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... ''[the costume turns into a swarm of bees]'' See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy? 
:'''Beavis''': No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, &quot;Don't blame me, I didn't vote.&quot;

==U==
===[[U2]]===
====&quot;[[w:Lemon (U2 song)|Lemon]]&quot;====
:[''The word &quot;MEN&quot; appears on screen.'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's that word they put on bathrooms.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I must mean, like, &quot;crap,&quot; or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that word again.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] appears on screen singing.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Crap is singing.
:[''[[w:The Edge|The Edge]] appears on screen dialing a phone.'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Crap is on the telephone.
:[''[[w:Adam Clayton|Adam Clayton]] appears on screen playing bass guitar.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
:[''[[w:Larry Mullen Jr.|Larry Mullen Jr.]] appears on screen playing drums.]
:'''Beavis''': And this piece of crap is playing the drums.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring.  Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head.  Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahhh!  Ahhh!
:'''Butt-head''': Dillweed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': He's got one of those [[w:Tension headache|attention headaches]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got an attention headaches this big.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis.  Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:One (U2 song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''' ''[referring to the buffalo]'': Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's a buffalo, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this &quot;[[art]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': This &quot;[[means]]&quot; something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something [[stupid]].

====&quot;[[w:Mysterious Ways|Mysterious Ways]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[Bono|Boner]]&quot; is pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': That's because he has a cool [[name]].
:'''Butt-head''': I bet when he was little, his [[mom]] used to say, &quot;Boner, come to [[dinner]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! She'd say, &quot;Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then in the [[morning]], she'd turn to Boner's [[dad]], and say, &quot;Is Boner up yet?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the [[teachers]] would say, &quot;Your [[son]] sure does [[sing]] well,&quot; and he'd say, &quot;That's my Boner.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Boner!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a cool name. You know who has a really [[stupid]] name, though? &quot;[[The Edge]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;The Edge.&quot; What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;Numb&quot;====
:[''video opens with water dripping from a faucet'']
:'''Butt-head''': A leak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''water is shown to be dripping on [[w:The Edge|The Edge]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] The Edge.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's called &quot;Numb.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It should be called &quot;Dumb.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  [''reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes''] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth!  Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tie his jaw shut.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's saying, [''softly''] &quot;Uh, excuse me, Edge?  This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] starts singing in The Edge's left ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': And then Bono's saying, &quot;If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  &quot;And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two women are licking The Edge's face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute!  This is cool.
:[''another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge'']
:'''Beavis''': Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[[''two feet are pressed against The Edge's face'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Kick him!  Yeah, there you go, yeah.  Shove your foot in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yuck!  She just kissed him where that chick put her feet!  That's yucky!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''a man whispers in The Edge's ear''] &quot;Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;Up yours.&quot; [''The Edge appears to give the man the finger''] Yeah.

===[[w:Ugly Kid Joe|Ugly Kid Joe]], &quot;Neighbor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
:'''Beavis''': How come he calls himself &quot;Ugly Kid&quot; and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
:'''Butt-head''': Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Shut up!

==V==
===[[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]], &quot;Can't Stop Loving You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, Van Halen!
:'''Butt-head''': Van Halen kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah-hh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ohh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Umm, is this Van Halen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's [[w:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two football players are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Athletes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video.  'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch [[w:The Nashville Network|TNN]], all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  All they need now is a big pickup truck.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch.  We should try that.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid!  Then you can't get any stains on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see?  'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh yeah.  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]], &quot;I Love You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Look! Look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes you have a way with words.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Why bother? All we seem to get on this [[t.v.]] is bad [[w:music videos|videos]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

===[[w:Violent Femmes|Violent Femmes]]===
====&quot;Breakin' Up&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Dark voices are talking to me…
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
:'''Beavis''': He says [''high-pitched Chinese accent''] &quot;Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And what does the white guy say?
:'''Beavis''': The same thing. But he talks just like me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say &quot;Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Here it comes! [''Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat''] YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

====&quot;Nightmares&quot;====
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
:'''Butt-head''': But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [''Dramatic shock sound effect plays'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks. [''Sound effect plays again''] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No it wasn't.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everytime you do that, it sucks! [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

==W==
===[[Tom Waits]], &quot;I Don't Want to Grow Up&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! It's the [[w:Noid|Noid]].
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! The Noid is cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom starts his signature wailing'']
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those [[w:uvula|uvulas]]? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… where?
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then some chicks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds! 
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds. 
:'''Butt-head''': Satan always likes to have some turds by.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

===Jake Walden, &quot;For Someone&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Jake Walden looking sensually at the viewer]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, you wanna start something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': No, I don't. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is. 
:'''Jake Walden''': ... even whores can fall for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Walden's singing]'' &quot;Even whores fall for someone...&quot; Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude. 
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, it does not. 
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake Walden''': ... I'm just speaking from my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart. 
:'''Beavis''': He speaks from his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Jake Walden''': ''[sensually looking at the viewer]'' ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': ''[does a horrified spit take]'' AHHHH! That was horrible!
:'''Butt-head''': I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. ''[begins to rewind the video]''
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, do ''not'' rewind it.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe you're not listening with your heart. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! ''[Walden looks at the viewer sensually again]'' AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!
:'''Butt-head''': I have said all I have to say.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head... ''[wretches]'' I need to go throw up.

===[[w:James Walters|Jamie Walters]], &quot;Hold On&quot;===
:'''Jamie Walters''': I don't wanna see you…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't wanna see you either!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.
:'''Beavis''': Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, there's nothing else on.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what happened to those cards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, they're right here.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, let's play another round.  I wanna win my two dollars back.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...okay.  Uh, this game is called &quot;Bunghole Surprise&quot;.  [''shuffles the cards'']
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay. [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head.  The pair have now started their card game''] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dumbass.  Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards.  Uh, I bet 18 dollars.  And I won.  So you owe me 18 dollars.  Bunghole.
:'''Beavis''':  No way!  That's too much!  I don't wanna play this anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, ah no!  Okay, I'll play.  Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.  Uh, I won.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!  Really?  How come I keep losing?  I never win!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wang Chung (band)|Wang Chung]], &quot;[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
:'''Beavis''': No way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why are these guys so snotty?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They look all pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And tired!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is up against a wall in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': He's wang chunging.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's peeing!
:'''Beavis''': That's cool!  I peed in the gym once!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  You're pretty cool, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where are the women in this video?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need some chicks, too.

===[[w:Mike Watt|Mike Watt]], &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...who is this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt.  And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window.  So um, so don't change it yet.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees Watt urinating in a bottle''] Is he peeing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  He did!  That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song.  It's called &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess.  You know...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I believe in [[w:Illegal immigration|''illegal'' aliens]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I believe in Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.  You're supposed to call 'em &quot;[[w:Hispanic|Hispandex]]&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, okay okay, sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to [[w:cunt|Hunt]]?  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wax (rock band)|Wax]], &quot;California&quot;===
:[''a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god…
:'''Butt-head''': You may be about to see the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video you have ever seen in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. Ohhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen''] Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing a homeless man throwing a can''] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhohhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
:'''Beavis''': Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool! This is a damn good video.
:'''Beavis''': Ooohooooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
:'''Beavis''': Nooooo…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [''slaps Beavis multiple times'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
:'''Butt-head''': We just saw a dude running around on fire.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really,  and I missed it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

===[[w:Ween|Ween]]===
====&quot;Freedom of '76&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's [[w:Liberty Bell|that bell]] that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
:'''Butt-head''': That's in that [[w:Deuteronomy|Doo-doo-ronemy]] section.
:'''Beavis''': The Bible kicks ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out. It's [[w:Dean Ween|Dean]] and [[w:Gene Ween|Gene Ween]].
:'''Butt-head''': Ween.
:'''Beavis''': Ween kicks ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
:'''Beavis''': [''screeches''] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How does he do that? How does he [[w:falsetto|sing all high]] and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You should try it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
:'''Beavis''': Not really. No, I guess not.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
:'''Beavis''': Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Well, do you use your nads for anything?
:'''Butt-head''': No. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

====&quot;I Can't Put My Finger On It&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:[''the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Umm...let me see.  Check this out.  [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Then ''you'' do something!  [''putting on a slight accent''] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You think I'm just here for your amusement?  You wanna do something about it?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a Greek gyro is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, look at that.  Mmm, that looks good!  I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um...&quot;heroes&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [''Greek accent''] &quot;Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you bunghole!  Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Check this out. [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's not even funny, Beavis.  You have to do it like this.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [''puts his finger between his lips and babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now see, that's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I see what you mean.  Okay, check this out. [''babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Push th' Little Daisies|Push th' Little Daisies]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this crap?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bowl of cucumbers is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Mine has more bumps.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  [[w:Gene Ween|This guy]] sounds like ''you''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartknocker!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That dude's wearing a [[w:yarmulke|Yamaha]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gene Ween''': If you think that I'm a loser...
:'''Beavis''': He ''is'' a loser!  And a pansy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This guy sucks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys got no future.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Chris Burke (actor)|Corky]]!
:'''Gene Ween''': Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up! 
:'''Butt-head''': [''changing the channel''] Push ''this''!

===[[w:Weezer|Weezer]], &quot;[[w:Buddy Holly (song)|Buddy Holly]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': No but um…I don't think this is a video.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think this is…I think this is like, ''[[w:Happy Days|Happy Days]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Crappy days.
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing theme song to [[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'']
:'''Beavis''': One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
:'''Butt-head''': We're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Butt-head''': I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…[[w:Pat Morita|that dude]] from ''[[The Karate Kid]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''Fake Japanese accent''] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude could kick [[w:Fonzie|Fonzie]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I wonder why.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? &quot;Sit on it.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

===[[w:Whale (band)|Whale]], &quot;Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [''forgets the words''] ah, ah…bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': This kinda like, ah, rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's not bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
:'''Beavis''': [''the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men''] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, back in line!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's pretending to feel her butt.
:'''Beavis''': She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
:'''Beavis''': She's probably got one of those overbites.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in [[w:music videos|videos]] wore underpants!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

===[[w:Wham!|Wham!]], &quot;[[w:Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go|Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:George Michael|He]]'s smiling at you, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy always likes to show off his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And his butt sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is one of those workout tapes.  They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is making me sick.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Barry White|Barry White]], &quot;Put Me In Your Mix&quot;===
:'''Barry White''': Put it in.
:'''Butt-head''': Put it in?  Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Put it in.  PUT IT IN!
:'''Barry White''': Take my love and put it in...
:'''Butt-head''': Man!  I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
:'''Butt-head''': What?  You're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
:'''Beavis''': I get it!  It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Eric the Rod.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The Rod.  See?  See?  I got that.  Yeah.  The Rod.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Barry White''': Put me in...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is one horny dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Karyn White|Karyn White]], &quot;The Way I Feel About You&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a black cat is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
:'''Butt-head''': You're looking at the cat?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm checking out the chick, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]], &quot;[[w:Black Sunshine|Black Sunshine]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera is zooming through a yard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cool lawn mower!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Rob Zombie|This guy]] is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is that guy from Rastafaria?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''bright lights are flashing inside a barn''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is briefly shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Skulls are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''closeups of eyes are shown''] Eyeballs are cool.  Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool!  I'll go get the pliers.
:'''Beavis''': Yes!  Yes!

===[[w:Wilco|Wilco]], &quot;[[w:Box Full of Letters|Box Full of Letters]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…wow. Something's different about this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other [[w:music videos|videos]] you see lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [''exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen''] Okay, where's the syrup?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling out ''] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um…where's the spatula?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay! [''Beavis can be heard running''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Look under the bed!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [''walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head''] Hey, how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey. Pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun dun da dun…''[yells from the kitchen''] How's that video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
:'''Beavis''': How much mayonnaise do I put in?
:'''Butt-head''': None!
:'''Beavis''': One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [''long beat''] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think so. [''the smoke alarm goes off'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! OW!!

===[[w:Vanessa L. Williams|Vanessa Williams]], &quot;[[w:Work to Do|Work to Do]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oooh!
:'''Beavis''': Aaaah!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Do that thing you do!
:'''Beavis''': This chick is ''hot!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What are those things?
:'''Butt-head''': They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Being rich is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're like, rich...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]], &quot;Release Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Their parents were in the Beatles.
:'''Beavis''': These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Which one's Theodore?
:'''Butt-head''': He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. &quot;I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!&quot;

===[[w:Winger (band)|Winger]], &quot;Seventeen&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Kip Winger|His]] teeth are whiter than white!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They're...white!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys live on the edge!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The edge of Wuss Cliff.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]'s﻿ theme song.

==X==
==Y==
===[[Yanni]], &quot;Reflections of Passion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Life. What a beautiful choice.
:'''Beavis''': Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [''Yanni fades in on screen''] Whoa, look at that, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. This is Yanni.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, change it, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I can't believe they're even showing this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no. I was just kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

===[[w:Yes (band)|Yes]], &quot;[[w:Owner of a Lonely Heart|Owner of a Lonely Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, that's him, officer.
:'''Beavis''': Book him, Danno.
:'''Butt-head''': Kick him, Danno.
:'''Beavis''': And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, where are they taking him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean, like, &quot;I'm a monkey's uncle&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
:'''Beavis''': If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go &quot;Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No sir! Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're making him fight the janitor.
:'''Beavis''': Fight, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go &quot;Now who's bad?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man jumps off a tall building'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [''The man transforms into a bird''] What? He turned into a bird!
:'''Butt-head''': If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
:'''Beavis''': Cock-a-doodle-doo!

===[[w:Yolanda Be Cool|Yolanda Be Cool]] feat. [[w:DCUP|DCUP]], &quot;[[w:We No Speak Americano|We No Speak Americano]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
:'''Butt-head''': If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''at the chorus''] Now this is the cool part of the song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
:'''Beavis''': No you don't. Check this out. [''Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [''Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other'']
:'''Beavis''': No soy Americano…

===[[w:Gary Young|Gary Young]], &quot;Plantman&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…is this [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Plantman? What's that?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [''imitates randomly hitting a drum kit''] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
:'''Butt-head''': That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes &quot;Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)#&quot;Spoonman&quot;|Spoonman]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, I just thought of something else.
:'''Butt-head''': How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doing what?
:'''Butt-head''': That thing where you go &quot;Heyy,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': This feels good. Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.

===[[w:Young MC|Young MC]], &quot;Principal's Office&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this &quot;[[w:A Different World|A Different World]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  School.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they do so many videos in school?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd ''go'' there!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's worth a try, Beavis.

==Z==
===[[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]], &quot;Rock It Out&quot;===
:[''video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Those black boxes suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a [[w:Women in prison film|women in prison movie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah!  I think so!
:'''Beavis''': All right, yeah!  I'm up for this, yeah.  Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this ''[[w:Chained Heat|Chained Heat]]''?  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this ''isn't'' a women in prison movie.  It's like, they're singing and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  W - what's the deal here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh, wait a minute.  Waaaaait a minute.  I know what this is.  This is &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's just like, you know, &quot;Cop&quot;, but without the &quot;Rock&quot;?  You know, they're just, like, &quot;Cop.&quot;  It - it was just &quot;Cop.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Could be a show about people copping a feel.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd tune in to that, yeah.

===[[Frank Zappa]], &quot;You Are What You Is&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
:'''Beavis''': His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [''blows a long loud raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
:'''Beavis''': I'm spraying. [''blows another raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
:'''Beavis''': Just now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this really sucks. [''changes the channel'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after watching the Europeans' &quot;We Are Animals&quot; for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is still on? That pisses me off!
:'''Beavis''': That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

===[[w:ZZ Top|ZZ Top]], &quot;Legs&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  She wants it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And I'm gonna give it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Billy Gibbons|Billy Gibbons]] has a long beard.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think he has a long johnson?
:'''Beavis''': Does he have a ''[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]]''??
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Don Johnson is married to [[w:Melanie Griffith|that chick]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head!  [[w:Al Bundy|Al Bundy]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ted Bundy|that dude that killed all those people]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That's the dude from &quot;[[w:All My Children|All My Children]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  The dude from &quot;All My Children&quot; killed people?
:'''Beavis''': No, that was the dude from &quot;Rock&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Better change it, dude.  This video is telling a story.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Stories suck.  [''changes channel'']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorization probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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{{mergeto|Beavis and Butt-head}}
'''''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]''''' (1993–1997, 2011, 2022-present) is an [[United States of America|American]] animated [[television]] series that originally aired on the cable television channel [[w:MTV|MTV]]. It follows the misadventures of two teenagers, [[w:Beavis|Beavis]] and [[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]. Interspersed with the episodes were [[w:music video|music videos]], viewed and commented on by the two title characters.

{{center|
[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)|9]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 10)|10]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]
}}

&lt;!-- Feel free to add more music videos; however, please alphabetize them and put the artist first, then the song. --&gt;

==#==
===[[w:2 Unlimited|2 Unlimited]], &quot;[[w:Get Ready for This|Get Ready For This]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Beavis|Beavis]]''': Um, is this football?
:'''[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]''': Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You know what this is?  This is ''[[w:Telemundo|Telemundo]]''!  [''gibbers in Spanish'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking.  And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That guy's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, &quot;Aprenda, [''Spanish gibberish''].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I bet he scores constantly!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what I think I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that.  And then, I will ''score'' all the time!
:'''Butt-head''': Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff?  That would probably work.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Hey baby, ¿quieres [[w:Buñuelo|buñuelo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, &quot;[''Spanish gibberish'']&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, they'd like that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This music kind of sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't even music, really.  This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;How much for your organ, sir?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son.  Please don't touch it.&quot;

===[[w:3OH!3|3OH!3]], &quot;[[w:Touchin' on My|Touchin' on My]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Referring to man walking with stereo''] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
:'''Beavis''': Not a care in the world, you know?
:[''The guy is hit by a car'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A naked man appears from the front'']
:'''Beavis''': There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it. 
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they compliment each other, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe? 
:'''Beavis''': See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons. 
:'''Beavis''': I bet deaf people hate them too. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm glad these guys found each other. 
:'''Beavis''': I wonder how they met.
:'''Butt-head''': They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like &quot;Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office. 
:'''Beavis''': Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!

===[[w:7 Year Bitch|7 Year Bitch]], &quot;Hip Like Junk&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before.  This chick beats herself in the head later.  It's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  This is gonna be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  You know what this band is called?  It's called 7 Year BITCH!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Also, it helps when they're [''suave voice''] ''sexy!''  ''Ye-eah!  Ooh!  That's a fine lady!  Yeah.  These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh...okay, here it comes.  Here she goes.  [''lead singer [[w:Selene Vigil-Wilk|Selene Vigil]] hits her open hands against her head''] YEAH, YEAH!  HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH!  YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Selene Vigil''': We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what do you mean?  You mean, like, like ''we're'' stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I don't know!  I'm not some [[w:Rocket science|rocket]]...uh, some rocketship or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

==A==
===[[w:a-ha|a-ha]], &quot;[[w:Take On Me|Take On Me]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, [[w:elevator|elevator]] music?

===[[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdul]], &quot;[[w:Crazy Cool|Crazy Cool]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
:'''Butt-head''': Why?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause I have to take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [''Beavis gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… [[w:Epidermis (skin)|epidermis]].
:'''Beavis''': Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [''leaves again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

===[[AC/DC]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (song)|Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Angus Young|Angus Young]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Malcolm Young|Malcolm]] is cool, too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Phil Rudd|That drummer]] is old.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did Phil Rudd die?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That was that [[w:Bon Scott|Bon Scott]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a clip of a man with a halo is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy is special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing with [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]]''] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Sing it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
:'''Butt-head''': Dirty deeds are cool.  Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever done a dirty deed?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I spanked my monkey one time.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys always wear the same clothes.  That's cool!  Hey.  ''We'' always wear the same clothes!  I've had this shirt on for six months.
:'''Beavis''': I've had this on for ''seven'' months.

====&quot;[[w:Highway to Hell (song)|Highway to Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] looks like he's taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!

====&quot;[[w:You Shook Me All Night Long|You Shook Me All Night Long]]&quot;====
:[''[[w:Brian Johnson|Brian Johnson]] is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's naked!  Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:[''a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Look!  Boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs.  That's cool!

===[[Accept (band)|Accept]], &quot;Balls to the Wall&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You got a backstage pass, sir?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates the lead singer's German accent'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where did this guy come from?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he ''is'' saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Usually, [[w:demolition|demolition]] and [[destruction]] is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some [[fire]] in this video, it would still suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look! It's [[w:Krokus (Band)|Krokus]] coming to kick their ass. It's ''The [[Night of the Living Dead|Night of the Living Bands That Suck]]''.

===[[w:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]], [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]], and [[Sting (musician)|Sting]], &quot;[[w:All for Love (song)|All for Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGGHH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh dear Lord!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHHHH!
:[''the two start vomiting'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it.  This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, the [[w:Traveling Wilburys|Traveling Wilburys]].
:'''Beavis''': The Traveling Dingleberries?  I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt.  Come on, Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.  I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I think it, like, messes up the tape.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Aerosmith]]===
::''See also: Aerosmith, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot; by Aerosmith|&quot;Deuces Are Wild&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.''

====&quot;[[w:Livin' on the Edge|Livin' on the Edge]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are pretty tough!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I didn't know girls were cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check it out!  Where's his penis?
:'''Beavis''': It's in his hand, where it always is!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  Even though they're 60.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one guy's 69.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks'']
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like Vanilli.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching'']
:'''Beavis''': Hit him!  Hit him!  Hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Just keep playing!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything's cool.  [''Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes''] Aogh!  That sucked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should've waited longer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  [''car crashes, airbags deploy''] Aogh!  [[w:Airbag|Airbags]] suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Rag Doll (Aerosmith song)|Rag Doll]]&quot;====
:[''a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]!
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;Buttafuoco.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do you think &quot;Buttafuoco&quot; means?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;back door.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about Steven Tyler''] Dude looks like a lady!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Speakeasy on the grapevine...
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steven Tyler''': Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis,  I thought ''you'' were [[daddy]]'s little cutie.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!

===[[Alice in Chains]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Stay Away|I Stay Away]]&quot;====
:[''video is entirely claymation'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  Boy, they sure look different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll buy that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown?  And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [''a woman's nipple is shown''] Whoa, check it out!  I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...no it wasn't!  W - what do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh.  Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I could go get some clay ''now'' and make a boob with a nipple on it.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Um...wait a minute.  You have some clay?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Damn.  Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob.  Yeah.  Maybe a butt, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Last time, you just made an ashtray.  It sucked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well, you made a baseball.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  So then you made ''that''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But not out of clay.

====&quot;[[w:Man in the Box|Man in the Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Right on, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
:'''Beavis''': Fences are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Especially electric fences.
:'''Beavis''': [''chanting''] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he saw that [[w:Winger (band)|Winger]] video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!

====&quot;[[w:Them Bones|Them Bones]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a [[baby]].
:'''Butt-head''': How did ''that'' happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video I've ever [[seen]] in my [[life]].

===[[w:Alien Sex Fiend|Alien Sex Fiend]], &quot;Now I'm Feeling Zombified&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]! Skulls!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy looks pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [''Beavis turns the volume all the way down'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That's better. [''Starts humming metal music'']
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing along''] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! All I need is clown makeup. 
:'''Butt-head''': I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We're cool.

===[[Tori Amos]]===
====&quot;Crucify&quot;====
:'''Tori Amos''': I wanna spit in their faces…
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna spit on someone?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tori Amos''': I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitating Dave Mustaine''] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many [[w:music video|videos]] are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
:'''Beavis''': At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
:'''Beavis''': Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see [[Psycho (1960 film)|that soap commercial]] where that chick gets stabbed? [''Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score''] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch. That's that [[Deliverance|movie about those guys in the woods]].
:'''Beavis''': They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [''imitates stabbing movements again''] REE! REE! REE! REE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, a commercial for [[w:VH1|VH1]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;The difference between you and your parents&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;God&quot;====
:[''video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rats are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Somebody better call the Orkin Man.  [''Tori Amos is holding a candle''] Whoa, candle!  Candle!  Candle!  Candle!
:'''Butt-head''': Candles rule.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, &quot;AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!&quot; and then you wake up.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em.  He usually gives me one for my birthday.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes'']
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is psycho!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man.  I'd, like, stay away from her.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
:'''Beavis''': That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They get all psycho!

===[[w:Anthrax (American band)|Anthrax]], &quot;Hy Pro Glo&quot;===
::''See also: Anthrax, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot; covered by Anthrax|&quot;Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.''

:'''Butt-head''': The army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that [[w:Scott Ian|Scott dude]] is in the army.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah: &quot;Today's army rocks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|National Anthem]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, the National Anthrax.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, [[w:The Judds|the Judds]] could come out and go: &quot;'''''I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bomb is shown exploding'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
:'''Beavis:''': Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.

===[[w:Archers of Loaf|Archers of Loaf]], &quot;Web in Front&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Oh!  Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that pig can score, and we ''can't?''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, if pigs had a video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': and like, we were in that video...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...then like, we could score.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  You mean, like, with a pig?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  With a chick in the video!
:'''Beavis''': With a chicken??
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's that?
:'''Butt-head''': Just a regular chick!
:'''Beavis''': Ohh!  Oh, oh, oh.  Oh, I see.  Yeah.  Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's the deal with this short dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
:'''Beavis''': Really.  It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]], &quot;Close (To the Edit)&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's holding a wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You know that video about that guy who lost his penis?  He should watch ''this'' video!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not his penis, Beavis!  Uh [''chuckles'']...his Beavis, penis!  Penis, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP!  Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least ''my'' name doesn't rhyme with &quot;penis.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Your mom's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom.  We're talking about how your name sounds like &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Art of Noise|Art of Noise]] with [[w:Tom Jones (singer)|Tom Jones]], &quot;[[w:Kiss (Prince song)|Kiss]]&quot;===
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be beautiful...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I'm beautiful?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]] sure is old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's ''white!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has that disease, like [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He got it from Prince.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Jones''': You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you just have to be stupid.
:'''Tom Jones''': ...kiss.
:'''Butt-head''': Kiss ''this!''  [''Beavis moons the TV screen'']
:'''Beavis''': I like that song &quot;[[w:Gett Off|Gett Off]]&quot; better.  And &quot;[[w:Cream (Prince song)|Cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;get off.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  This isn't Prince!  This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==B==
===[[w:Babes in Toyland (band)|Babes in Toyland]], &quot;[[w:Bruise Violet|Bruise Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. These chicks rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Kat Bjelland|Kat Bjelland]]: [[Liar]].'']
:'''Beavis''': [[Fire]]?
:[''Kat Bjelland: Liar.'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, assmunch, she said &quot;liar.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Are you calling me a liar?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.

===[[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]], &quot;[[w:Venus_(Shocking_Blue_song)#Bananarama_version|Venus]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is back when they were cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing along with group'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm your Beavis!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what [[w:penis|rhymes with]] &quot;Venus&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Um…um…venus…[[w:Venus Flytrap|Venus Flytrap]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks should marry [[GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And they would rule [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].
:'''Butt-head''': They would rule the entire world.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Satan's got back!

===[[w:Band Aid (band)|Band Aid]], &quot;[[w:Do They Know It's Christmas?|Do They Know It's Christmas?]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Who's this fartknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
:'''Butt-head''': He should like, go to the doctor, and say: &quot;''Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH! It's that ''dude''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's that [[w:Boy George|Boy chick]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Phil Collins is seen playing the drums'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a ''dork''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.

===[[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]], &quot;[[w:Manic Monday|Manic Monday]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these girls [[sex|bang]] elves. Hey, Beavis, would you [[sex|bangle]] her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are the kind of [[girls]] that won't [[talk]] to us.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, these are a bunch of [[rich]] chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they're [[afraid]] of our [[love]].

===[[w:Toni Basil|Toni Basil]], &quot;[[w:Mickey (song)|Mickey]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's ''this?''  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This is stupid!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Dire Straits|Dire Straits]] again?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These cheerleaders are fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is stupid!  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, wait a minute.  Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

===[[w:Battles (band)|Battles]] feat. [[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;My Machines&quot;===
:[''a man begins falling down an escalator'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a [[w:Cinnabon|Cinnabon]]! Maybe some [[w:Dippin' Dots|Dippin' Dots]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [''Imitates music'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His kid's probably like &quot;uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?&quot; He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator. 

===[[Beastie Boys]]===
====&quot;[[w:Pass the Mic|Pass the Mic]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's about time.
:'''Beavis''': HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]] that [[w:Ad-Rock|this dude's]] [[w:Israel Horovitz|dad]] writes movies.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's like, he writes what they say.
:'''Beavis''': You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
:'''Butt-head''': No he writes it down before they say it!
:'''Beavis''': Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
:'''Butt-head''': He just, like, makes it up.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well anybody can do that!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he just like, writes &quot;kaboom&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': How about when like people are like, you know, [[w:sexual intercourse|naked and getting it on]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, he just writes &quot;squeak, squeak, squeak, wank&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Sabotage (song)|Sabotage]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time!
:'''Beavis''': It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [''hums the main riff'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''&quot;The Chief&quot; kicks through a steel gate'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [''Cochese kicks a concrete wall''] Yeah, yeah, kick it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries'']
:'''Beavis''': Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check this out!  See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Yauch|MCA]], in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads &quot;guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, when the real video finally comes out?
:'''Butt-head''': This is the video, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No way! That's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:DJ Hurricane|DJ Hurricane]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Fred Kelly as Bunny&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads &quot;starring Nathan Wind as Cochese&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
:'''Butt-head''': Cochese is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Adam Horovitz|Ad-Rock]] appears in the video, a caption reads &quot;Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's &quot;the Rookie&quot;, see? See Cochese back there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh.
:'''Beavis''': See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.

====&quot;So What'cha Want&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The forecast is partially cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beastie Boys''': I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating the Beastie Boys''] Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Gardena!
:'''Beavis''': Gardena!  Gardena!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys are good dancers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I wish I was more like them.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.

===[[Beck]], &quot;[[w:Pay No Mind (Snoozer)|Pay No Mind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what's that noise?
:'''Butt-head''': It's Satan, dumbass. [''imitates warbled tape'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Tonight the city is full of morgues…
:'''Butt-head''': Tonight, the city's full of whores?
:'''Beavis''': I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beck is wearing a shirt that says &quot;Rock Me&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out Beavis, his shirt says &quot;Kick me&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, kick him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
:'''Beavis''': Those guys always, like, write words like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. &quot;The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky.&quot; That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…hmm. I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing a policeman run into a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!

===[[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gees]], &quot;[[w:Jive Talkin'|Jive Talkin']]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Black Crowes|the Black Crowes]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with [[w:Anthrax (band)|Anthrax]] and [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. They're cool.

===[[w:Belly (band)|Belly]], &quot;[[w:Feed the Tree|Feed the Tree]]&quot;===
:[''video is set in a forest'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Trees.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you like [[w:Tanya Donelly|her]] hair up or down, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
:'''Beavis''': No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis!  What are your hands doing in your pocket?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just looking for my lighter.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.  You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Benny Benassi|Benny Benassi]]=== 
====[[w:Cinema )Benny Benassi song)|Cinema]], feat. [[w:Gary Go|Gary Go]]====
:''[the video starts with various shots of the groin of different men]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they're showing all these guys' crotches?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is like a masturbation experiment.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time, you know? Because I've always been saying that we need to have more funds for masturbation research.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah really. The Chinese are killing us.
:''[a helmet is put on a man, and a scientist sets some controls]''
:'''Butt-head''': Masturbation frequency dialed in. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[the man starts to see erotic women in the helmet's visor]'' Yeah, you know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use, know what I'm saying? My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you have a masturbation helmet?
:'''Beavis''': I mean, it's a football helmt. Safety first.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is taken off]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You have now masturbated. Congratulations.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You may go, but leave the helmet.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the helmet is put on another man]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! He has to use the same helmet as that other guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The doctor's like, &quot;No no, no one's used this before. It's brand new.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why's it all steamy?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a man sees a woman in the helmet, and gives her a rose and a ring]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, so that's this guy's fantasy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this, on MY tax dollars?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's part of the [[w:American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009|stimulus package]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if like, when you're done, you can use that helmet to watch like, ''[[w:Meet the Fockers|Meet the Fockers]]'' or something. That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Satisfaction (Benny Benassi song)|Satisfaction]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with a hammer beating on a nail in rhythm to the beat]''
:'''Butt-head''': ''[chuckling]'' Nail. ''[A power drill is shown]'' Drill.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as multiple scantily clad women work construction equipment and dance to the music]''
:'''Beavis''': Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.
:'''Beavis''': What are they building?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like, ''erecting'' a structure... in my pants. 
:''[they chuckle]''
:'''Beavis''': You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good. 
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them. 
:'''Beavis''': They're like, &quot;Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real ''slow''.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:''[a woman working a jackhammer appears]''
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but longer.

===[[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]], &quot;[[w:Love Is a Battlefield|Love Is a Battlefield]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look!  She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is shown walking by a strip club with &quot;GIRLS&quot; flashing'']
:'''Beavis''':  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!  Girls!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand'']
:'''Butt-head''': He touched her butt!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's a hooker!  [''Pat's father is shown''] His daughter's a hooker!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Pat is singing in a crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's singing to the homeless!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What are the homeless?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's shaking her boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  This video tells a story!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm pitching a tent!
:'''Butt-head''': This story sucks!  Change it.

===[[w:Big Country|Big Country]], &quot;[[w:In a Big Country|In a Big Country]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Those are cool!  I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Divers.  Go down!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This is, like, a [[w:James Bond in film|James Bong movie]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need that short guy, [[w:Oddjob|Handjob]] to come out.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;job&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, an [[w:Irish Spring|Irish Spring]] commercial?  [''bad Irish accent''] ''&quot;I might stronger than I care to be!&quot;''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;It is a manly soap.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!&quot; [''laughs uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I'll kick your ass!  [''Butt-head continues laughing''] Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]]===
====&quot;Punishment&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Nipple]] rings are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys kick ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they could kick our ass.

====&quot;Tales From the Hard Side&quot;====
:'''[[w:Evan Seinfeld|Evan Seinfeld]]''': Tales from the hard side!
:'''Butt-head''': Tales from the ''hard'' side?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Is that, like, stories about [[w:Erection|stiffies]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, &quot;Once upon a time, I had a stiffy.  And I lived happily ever after.  And that's my tale from the hard side.  Thank you, I'm Beavis.  Good night.&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah, me too. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music.  It's metal!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You just don't have any like, uh, imagination. 
:'''Beavis''': Um, I know.  I don't want any, either.  Imagination sucks!  It HURTS when I use my imagination! 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That dude can scream for a long time.
:'''Beavis''': No way, that's nothing!  Check this out. [''Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

===[[w:Biohazard (band)|Biohazard]] w/ [[w:Onyx (band)|Onyx]], &quot;Judgment Night&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna kick ''your'' ass.
:'''Butt-head''': See, you did it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': ''You'' did it again, heh, Beavis.

===[[w:Bivouac (band)|Bivouac]], &quot;Cynic&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is boring.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
:'''Beavis''': If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
:'''Beavis''': No, no way!
:'''Butt-head''': You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It was cool!

===[[w:Biz Markie|Biz Markie]], &quot;[[w:Just A Friend|Just A Friend]]&quot;===
:[''Biz Markie is dressed as [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] and playing the harpsichord'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's dressed up like [[George Washington|that dude]] on the [[w:United_States_one-dollar_bill|dollar]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Biz Markie''': You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
:'''Butt-head''': [''singing off-key''] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': [''also singing off-key''] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
:'''Beavis''': Me, too.
:'''Butt-head''': I would look pretty cool, huh?

===[[Björk|Björk]]===
====&quot;[[w:Army of Me|Army of Me]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is that, Bee-ork chick…
:'''Beavis''': I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Where did you hear that?
:'''Beavis''': This guy told me.  
:'''Butt-head''': What guy?
:'''Beavis''': This guy in the bathroom.  
:'''Butt-head''': You mean in the bathroom at school?
:'''Beavis''': No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  
:'''Beavis''': There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning. 
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis. There's no one in there.
:'''Beavis''': Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.  
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a bunghole. [''exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard''] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [''re-enters''] There wasn't anybody in there.
:'''Beavis''': Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.  
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': Does he have like blond hair?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.  
:'''Butt-head''': And does he kinda talk like this? [''does a bad impression of Beavis''] &quot;Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. &quot;Yeah, yeah, Björk has a dong&quot;. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:Big Time Sensuality|Big Time Sensuality]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  That's a chick.  She's got his haircut, though. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a weirdo. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She's, like, one of those drama club teachers. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like they say, &quot;Be a tree&quot;. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Now be a sad tree.  Now be a happy tree!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Man.  This chick is out of her gourd! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's, like, completely whacked out. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money. 
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not like they're going around saying, &quot;We need a ''normal'' chick to dance on this truck.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 
:'''Butt-head''': I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Björk grabs her crotch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!  Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch. 
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  You're thinking of nads.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch?  Hmm.  I'll be damned.

===[[w:Black Francis|Frank Black]], &quot;[[w:Los Angeles (Frank Black song)|Los Angeles]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Black''': I met a man, he was a good man...
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Frank Black''] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man!  Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera'']
:'''Butt-head''': Quit pointing that stick at me!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's just trying to show off.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Who ''are'' these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Where's the fat guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a car is shown running over several light bulbs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Hey, Butt-head.  You know what we should do, like, in the meantime?  We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.

===[[w:The Black Crowes|Black Crowes]], &quot;High Head Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what spaceship?
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, [[w:Hypnotism|hypmotized]] me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
:'''Butt-head''': And you looked like a dork.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these little guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
:'''Butt-head''': They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.

===[[Black Sabbath]], &quot;[[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Check it out!  [''screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Which one's [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy]]?
:'''Beavis''': That's him in the [[w:Members Only|Members Only]] jacket.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, that's Ozzy's son!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ozzy's older than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!
:[''the two imitate the bass guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are these guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch.  They're American.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  That was cool!  Milk poured out of his neck.

===[[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]], &quot;[[w:Galaxie (song)|Galaxie]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I ''do!''  They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis.  'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''sperm is shown in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come there's always sperm in videos now?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't know, um...
:'''Butt-head''': I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, &quot;Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, really.  You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, this is Blind Melon!  Did you know all these guys are blind?
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I saw it on MTV News.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I'll be damned!  You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah.  Okay, Beavis.

===[[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]], &quot;[[w:Rapture (Blondie song)|Rapture]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This chick looks like that one porno star.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that ''[[w:Hairspray (1988 film)|Hairspray]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This chick's real name is [[w:Debbie Harry|Deborah Harry]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say &quot;Harry Deborah.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': How come?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this dork!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
:[''Debbie nudges him away'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think we have a winner.
:'''Beavis''': I think we have a wiener.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those commercials for [[w:K-tel|K-tel Records]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Hey, Beavis!  I hear disco is making a comeback!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Just dial 1-800-WUSS!&quot;

===[[w:Blues Traveler|Blues Traveler]], &quot;[[w:Run Around|Run Around]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! Where's that [[w:John Popper|big fat dude]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob bouncing around on the stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl. 
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember [[w:Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids|that cartoon]] that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go &quot;Hey Hey Hey!&quot;? 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [''In wobbling voice''] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I don't think [[w:Dorothy Gale|Dorothy]] was this hot in the [[w:The Wizard of Oz (film)|movie]].
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [''imitating an old man''] &quot;''Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV! Aaaoorrghh, it was rough!''&quot;

===[[Blur (band)|Blur]]===
====&quot;[[w:Chemical World|Chemical World]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
:'''Butt-head''': So? You are too!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
:'''Butt-head''': What's different about it?
:'''Beavis''': Um, it's a different wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna pee on a snail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a goat appears on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh?
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

====&quot;[[w:Parklife (song)|Parklife]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is a happy little tune.
:'''Beavis''': Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, is that [[w:Richard Dawson|that dude]] who's the host on [[w:Family Feud|Family Feud]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, nads?
:'''Butt-head''': Survey SAID!!! [''imitates buzzer''] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was &quot;ass&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it.
:'''Butt-head''': And I have to kick you there right now. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [''scoffs''] ''families''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Phil Daniels''': I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell language is he speaking?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This must be English. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent''] 
:'''Butt-Head''': England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!

===[[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]]===
====&quot;Everybody's Crazy&quot;====
:'''Man in video''': Michael, are you crazy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Michael who?
:'''Beavis''': [[Michael Jackson]]?
:''[the conversation in the video continues'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not. [''embarrased''] Uhh…uh oh.
:'''Beavis''': What, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I think I just pooped in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can probably make any kind of music suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [''does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton''] &quot;'''''Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!'''''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come chicks like this dude so much?
:'''Butt-head''': There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, &quot;Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

====&quot;[[w:How Am I Supposed to Live Without You|How Am I Supposed to Live Without You]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh!
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Beavis''': UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': UUHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AUGH!
:'''Beavis''': CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Augh!
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
:'''Beavis''': [''butting in''] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [''singing badly''] '''''THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!'''''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Remember that café in Paris?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': &quot;JEAN-PIERRE!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[Bon Jovi]]===
====&quot;In These Arms&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAGH!
:'''Butt-head''': UUGH!
:'''Beavis''': NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out! What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing Jon Bon Jovi'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Bridget Fonda|Bridget Fonda]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [[w:Baby Got Back|Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I'm a cowboy&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!&quot;
:'''Jon Bon Jovi''': Baby, I want you!
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] '''''BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!'''''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Like the roses want the rain&quot;? [''pauses''] That's stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.

====&quot;Something For the Pain&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffing''] Bon Jovi.
:'''Beavis''': But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [''sings''] &quot;Give me something for the pain…&quot; [''Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times''] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
:'''Beavis''': Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] 
:'''Butt-head''': If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…''[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again''] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [''Beavis kicks him in the testicles again''] AAAAHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!

===[[w:Bow Wow Wow|Bow Wow Wow]], &quot;[[w:I Want Candy|I Want Candy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  Bumwipe.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Annabella Lwin|She]] should get naked.  [''Beavis laughs uncontrollably''] Shut up, Beavis!  You're slobbering all over me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's pretty friendly for a chick with a [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|Mohawk]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[Women|Chicks]] with Mohawks are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Does she want candy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
:'''Butt-head''': And some wacky wafers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians|Edie Brickell &amp; New Bohemians]], &quot;[[w:What I Am|What I Am]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to [[Edie Brickell]], who is squatting''] She's pinching a loaf.
:'''Butt-head''': That's [[disgusting]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's [[married]] to that [[Paul Simon|short, old guy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that dude from [[Africa]] that used to be in [[The Beatles]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Edie Brickell]]''': [[Shove]] [[me]] in the shallow [[water]] before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': She said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
:'''Butt-head''': Huh, she said &quot;deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again''] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [''Butt-head laughs again'']
:'''Edie Brickell''': Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Deep.&quot;
:'''Edie Brickell''': …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
:'''Beavis''': This chick is deep.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edie Brickell''': What I am is what I am…
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;What I am.&quot; Didn't [[Popeye]] say that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.

===[[Garth Brooks]], &quot;[[w:The Thunder Rolls|The Thunder Rolls]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) &quot;Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
:'''Beavis''': It looks like a zombie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to [[country music|country]] [[songs]] about [[w:whisky|whisky]], [[alcoholic beverages|drinkin']], and butt-kicking?

===Paul Broucek, &quot;Hollywood Halloween&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
:'''Beavis''': Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, oh oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, ''dads''.
:'''Beavis''': Or uh, nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like [[Colonel Sanders]] was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': His &quot;drumstick&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! [''starts laughing''] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look, it's Batman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.

===[[w:Julie Brown|Julie Brown]], &quot;[[w:Girl Fight Tonight!|Girl Fight Tonight!]]&quot;===
:'''Julie Brown''': Girl fight tonight!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, girl fight!  Yeah, yeah, chicks!  Yeah, yeah!  Here's some chicks!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not so fast, Beavis.  Those aren't chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
:'''Beavis''': Hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': and they're dressed up like chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's really dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Boy.  He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip''] Whoa!  Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's cool!  Yeah.  [''girl who got threatened backs against a wall''] I'll save you, baby!  I'll save you!  So long as you do it with me.  It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [''Japanese accent''] &quot;Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style!  Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, &quot;Yeah, she called me a bitch!  And I said, 'You're a slut!'  And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Julie Brown''': That's right, you slut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you slut!
:'''Julie Brown''': I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, bitch!
:[''Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe'']
:'''Butt-head''': They should have done this at the ''beginning'' of the video!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Mud wrestling rules!

===[[w:BTS|BTS]], &quot;[[w:Dynamite (BTS song)|Dynamite]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... what? What did you just say? 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' Err, I didn't say anything. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... I thought I heard you say &quot;this kicks ass.&quot; Did you say that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No no, I was talking about something else.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear. 
:'''Beavis''': ''[stuttering]'' I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying &quot;this kicks ass,&quot; but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is [[w:J-Hope|J-Hope]]. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like [[w:Suga (rapper)|Suga]].
:'''Butt-head''': You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!
:'''Beavis''': ''[defensive]'' I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. ''[leaves the room]''
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... ''[starts to dance to the song]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[coming back into the room]'' You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- ''[sees Beavis excitedly dancing and singing to the rhythm]'' Jesus Christ, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ''[flustered]'' Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on in here?!
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking about something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. ''Anything'' would be better than that.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay...
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is my house though. 
:'''Butt-head''': Not anymore, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. ''[leaves the room]'' I'll just come back later.
:'''Butt-head''': No. Never come back. Bunghole.

===[[w:The Bubblemen|The Bubblemen]], &quot;The Bubblemen Are Coming&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
:'''Butt-head''': No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
:'''Beavis''': Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wuss.
:'''Beavis''': [''a Bubbleman stares at the television''] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
:'''Butt-head''': How can you be scared of these guys?
:'''Beavis''': You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going &quot;Doing doing doing doing doing&quot;, and then they get medieval on my ass. [''a Bubbleman waves''] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [''the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones''] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
:'''Beavis''': Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [''the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball''] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you wussy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.

===[[w:The Bucketheads|The Bucketheads]], &quot;[[w:The Bomb (These Sounds Fall into My Mind)|The Bomb]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…who's this?
:'''Beavis''': This is Buk-a-hey!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the man in the video is seen with two women'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
:'''Beavis''': Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
:'''Beavis''': [''quickly''] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.

===[[w:Built to Spill|Built to Spill]], &quot;In the Morning&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, so what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
:'''Butt-head''': Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…[[w:Monica Seles|Monica Seles]].
:'''Butt-head''': How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well you know, I like to watch the [[w:Wimbledon|Wilbumdon]]. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, [[w:Steffi Graf|Stiffy Graf]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [''sings''] &quot;[[w:Stand (R.E.M. song)|Stand in the place where you live]],&quot; …yeah, that's what this was in!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
:'''Butt-head''': Everything sucks.

===[[Kate Bush]], &quot;Love and Anger&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, what is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Get up!
:'''Beavis''': Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': I wish she would stand up and leave.
:'''Beavis''': And I wish the music would stop too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
:[''Glitter begins to fall on her'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And she ''still'' won't get up.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe she's inside one of [[w:snowglobe|those things]], you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I like to break those.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap she's holding?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
:'''Butt-head''': …tools?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey check out those guys!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like someone said, &quot;Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this chick would just quit whining.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.

===[[David Byrne]], &quot;Angels&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing''] [[w:Pinball Wizard|Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do [[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|this song]] before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.  But he has long hair now.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no.  That's not what I said.  [''imitates the Talking Heads song &quot;Once in a Lifetime&quot;''] And you may ask yourself!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you may spank yourself!
:'''Butt-head''': And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
:'''Beavis''': And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife!  And you may ask her, &quot;Where's the bathroom at?&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''David Byrne''': I can barely touch my own self...
:'''Butt-head''': He can't ''touch'' himself?
:'''Beavis''': Um... th - that's not really very funny.  I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to ''me'', could it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:[''the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head'']
:'''Beavis''': H - h - hey, wait!  W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a chick, was it?
:'''Beavis''': I think it ''was'', Butt-head.  I think a saw a couple boobs!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis!  It'll give you a good buzz.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==C==
===[[w:Camila Cabello|Camila Cabello]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Yet|Don't Go Yet]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with Camila getting greeted at the door by her family, kissing the side of her face without contacting her face]''
:'''Butt-head''': They missed.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing. 
:'''Butt-head''': They're never gonna score. 
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, ''I'd'' score with them. I would ''not'' miss.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I think so. 
:'''Beavis''': When is Thanksgiving?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that's right. 
:'''Butt-head''': Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I mean a ''lot'' of dudes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, come on. 
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, ''hundreds'' of dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say &quot;Beavis's mom.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They're like, &quot;See? It's easy!&quot; Come on, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.  
:'''Butt-head''': Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. I stand corrected. 
:'''Beavis''': Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, &quot;Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.

===[[w:Cage the Elephant|Cage the Elephant]], &quot;[[w:In One Ear (song)|In One Ear]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, check it out!  An Indian!
:'''Beavis''': You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?
:'''Butt-head''': Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And the principal didn't know either!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you know what &quot;Cage the Elephant&quot; means?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything means that!   But uh, in this case, it does.
:[''laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That guy just caged his elephant!

===[[w:California Raisins|California Raisins]], &quot;Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this? This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': They look kinda like turds!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
:'''Beavis''': They'd say: &quot;''I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!''&quot; It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of camels are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
:'''Butt-head''': Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'd say: &quot;''Drown you fecal matter!''&quot;

===Camino, &quot;Burning Fire&quot;===
:'''Song Intro''': We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, is this like, choir music?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called &quot;Burning ''Fffire''&quot;, so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know. 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure hope so. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a woman shows her husband a pregnancy test]''
:'''Butt-head''': He's like, &quot;Oh, you've got [[w:COVID-19|COVID]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, &quot;Let's go celebrate!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.
:'''Beavis''': Side effects may include a burning fffire!
:'''Butt-head''': Camino is not suitable for anybody.  Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[an older couple is shown on screen, upset at something]''
:'''Beavis''': See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, &quot;He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;We did our best, honey, and he's still singing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.

===[[w:Cannibal Corpse|Cannibal Corpse]], &quot;Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''immitating the singer's growl''] OAAAA!  DAAAAUUUUGH!  Yeah.  It's like, everybody sings like this now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head!  It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.  
:'''Butt-head''': You go to pep rallies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably.  But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.

===[[w:Carcass (band)|Carcass]], &quot;Heartwork&quot;===
:[''the band members have long blonde hair'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh…why would they do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
:'''Beavis''': So like, um, how would you take a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
:'''Beavis''': Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This buttmunch sounds like [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What a buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
:'''Butt-head''': He did?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees a man being crucified''] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [''screams''] &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.

===[[w:Cardi B|Cardi B]], &quot;[[w:WAP (song)|WAP]]&quot;===
:'''Frank Ski''': Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She was like, &quot;Can I answer any questions about the property?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Yes there are, there are several whores in this house.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cardi B''' Macaroni in a pot, that's so wet and gushy...
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, &quot;Damp Vagina&quot;, well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, &quot;Damp Vagina.&quot;  Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well I wish we had some whores in ''this'' house. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.

===Carnival Art, &quot;Mr. Blue Veins&quot;===
:[''video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, is he gonna vomit?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT!  VOMIT!  VOMIT, DAMMIT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': When he was six weeks...
:'''Butt-head''': Buttcheeks?
:'''Beavis''': WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?  Buttcheeks?
:'''Butt-head''': They didn't ''show'' buttcheeks, dumbass, he just ''said'' &quot;buttcheeks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Bell''': Mr. Blue Veins...
:'''Butt-head''': Mr. Blue Vein?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  I have a blue vein.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  Hey, Butt-head.  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': UGHH!
:'''Beavis''': Come on, hey Butt-head!  Butt-head!  Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!

===[[w:Sabrina Carpenter|Sabrina Carpenter]], &quot;[[w:Skinny Dipping (song)|Skinny Dipping]]&quot;===
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Uh...
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ...say, &quot;How's your family? How's your sister?&quot; I'll say, &quot;Shannon's being Shannon.&quot; After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...
:'''Beavis''': Does she know that the video's started yet?
:'''Butt-head''': She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait a second... &quot;swimming on the edge of a cliff&quot;? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that? 
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': ... We've been swimming...
:'''Beavis''': Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool.  Yeah I don't understand it. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-
:'''Butt-head''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Uhh, anyway Beavis-
:'''Beavis''': Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabrina Carpenter''': You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...
:'''Butt-head''': She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say &quot;Well, how was your day?&quot; and then she'd be like &quot;Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...
:'''Beavis''': I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. ''[Butt-head looks incredibly agitated]'' One of those infinite pools or something, but-
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you. 
:'''Beavis''': Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is [[w: Montgomery Clift|Montgomery Clift]]. Now if he had a pool at his house- ''[Butt-head smacks Beavis]'' AHHH!

===[[Johnny Cash]], &quot;[[w:Delia Green|Delia's Gone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who is this dude?  He looks familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, [[w:Captain Kangaroo|Captain Kangaroo]]!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Captain ''what?''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Captain Kangaroo.  You know, [[w:Mr. Green Jeans|Mr. Green Jeans]] and Magic Drawing Board, yeah.  Yeah.  You know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black. 
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, yeah.  Plus he's old.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': Kind of evil make me want to grab my [[w:submachine gun|submachine]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  This is pretty violent. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny Cash''': First time I shot her...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He shouldn't have shot that chick!  She's pretty hot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': I would've taken her off his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know what he should have done?  He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away.  And then, like, and then I could score.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I know.  That's why I was suggesting it.  Yeah.

===[[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy]], &quot;Lyin' To Myself&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is that Keith dude!  From the [[w:The Partridge Family|Family]].
:'''Beavis''': You mean [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Bonaduce]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass.  This is his big brother.  Keith.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Keith Bonaduce!  Bonaduce.  Bonaduce.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that was on [[w:Pay-per-view|Pay-per-view]], Beavis.  We don't get that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later.  It was cool.  Did you see when Bonaduce fought [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, [[w:Geraldo (TV series)#Brawl|threw a chair at him and broke his nose]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
:'''Butt-head''': That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  And then like, [[w:Suzanne Crough|Tracy]] could kick him in the nads. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, [[w:Jeremy Gelbwaks|Chris]] could stick his drumstick up his butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': And then Geraldo would be saying, &quot;That's no fair, there's two Chris's!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating [[w:Michael Buffer|Michael Buffer]]''] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

===[[w:Chavez (band)|Chavez]], &quot;Break Up Your Band&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That dude looks kinda funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
:'''Beavis''': What is this, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is kinda cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
:'''Beavis''': We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, &quot;Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say &quot;Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?&quot; That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, this [[w:music video|video's]] cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no thanks!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're into lions, they've got that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
:'''Butt-head''': Everybody sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, everybody is stupid!

===[[Cheech &amp; Chong]]===
====&quot;Get Out of My Room&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech &amp; Chong?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Cheech &amp; Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  That was cool.  Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''sings in a deep voice''] &quot;I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And the guy keeps going, [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.  Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''deep voice''] &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Yeah.  &quot;Uh, ''you'' know.&quot;  Uh, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;Gonna see my gal, uh, ''you'' know.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They need to do songs like that again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whatever happened to that album?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I broke it, remember?  I slammed it against the wall.  It like, shattered.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.

====&quot;I'm Not Home Right Now&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.  That's pretty cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  You think he has morning wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got a breakfast burrito. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates Mexican accent''] And a [[w:Chimichanga|chimichanga]]!  Chimichanga!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Tommy Chong|Tommy Chong]] is surrounded by five women on the beach'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head!  How did ''that'' dude get all those chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass.  His name is Schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah, Cheech &amp; Schlong.  I forgot about that.  You know what?  Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks &amp; Schlong.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===Chick, &quot;Malibu&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what this chick's name is? 
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': No it's not.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to &quot;Dude&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or maybe you could change it to &quot;Dumbass&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's supposed to be like in high school or something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now. 
:'''Beavis''': Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.

===[[w:Cinderella (band)|Cinderella]], &quot;Somebody Save Me&quot;===
:[''two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Beavis''': [''joining in''] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
:'''Butt-head''': Why is this dork here? [''mocking the lead singer's expression''] &quot;''Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': This is like: &quot;''Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's poodle hair!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: &quot;''Could you just, like, make it more poofy?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;''But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No wonder you're such a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: &quot;''All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes are like: &quot;''Look at me, I'm kicking!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;''Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
:'''[[w:Tom Keifer|Tom Keifer]]''': So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
:'''Butt-head''': [''mockingly''] &quot;''So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh.''&quot;
:[''the two girls return and run towards the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh.
:'''Beavis''': [''mockingly''] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh.
:'''Beavis''': Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [''mock laughter'']

===[[w:Circle Jerks|Circle Jerks]], &quot;I Wanna Destroy You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These guys are in a trash truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Somebody probably threw 'em away.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, who are these guys?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think it's the [[w:Village People|Village People]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps saying &quot;I wanna destroy you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know?  Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't know, Butt-head.  I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  I could come up with stuff like this.
:'''Beavis''': Okay.  Let's see you write a song.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay. Uh, let's see.  Uh...I wanna hit you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I wanna ''kick'' you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, and then I want some nachos.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': Baby.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That's pretty good, Butt-head!  We should start a band!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.

===[[w:CIV|CIV]], &quot;Can't Wait One Minute More&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Alright, [[w:Montel Williams|Montel Williams]]! Maybe they'll have some whores.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or some sluts!
:'''Beavis''': Or a girlfight. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, or some skank-hos!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': …yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, see you later Beavis. [''Gets up from couch and walks away'']
:'''Beavis''': Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, &quot;give it a chance?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay. [''sits back down''] At least it doesn't look like a video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, [[w:The Jerry Springer Show|The Jerry Springer Show]], Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, &quot;I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!&quot; [''makes drunken sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': It would be like, &quot;I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass.&quot; Next on Montel Williams.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

===[[w:The Clash|The Clash]], &quot;[[w:Should I Stay or Should I Go|Should I Stay or Should I Go]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think it's [[Jerry Seinfeld|Seinfeld]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like back before he had his [[Seinfeld|show]].  It's like, you know...[[w:Queen Latifah|Queen Latifah]] used to do videos, and now she has [[w:Living Single|a show]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I like the [[w:Newman (Seinfeld)|fat dude]] on Seinfeld.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think he replaced the drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that [[w:The Contest|episode]] where they were talking about [[masturbation|choking their chicken]]?
:'''Beavis''':  Oh yeah.  I thought they were talking about ''not'' choking their chicken.
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah.  I liked that [[w:The Pick|episode]] where you can see [[w:Elaine Benes|Elaine]]'s boobs on the Christmas card.
:'''Beavis''':  Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
:'''Butt-head''':  Yeah, you could see her boobs.  TV needs more of that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They need more stuff like that on TV.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  LOUD, LOUD!  Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
:'''Butt-head''': If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Do that, then.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Color Me Badd|Color Me Badd]], &quot;[[w:I Wanna Sex You Up|I Wanna Sex You Up]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  AAAH!
:'''Butt-head''': UGH!
:'''Beavis''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Butt-head''': THIS SUCKS!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that group with [[George Michael]], and [[w:Kenny G|Kenny G]], and [[w:Snow (musician)|Snow]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's a super-suck-group!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You think if ''I'' sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you ''look'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': ...and you ''talk'' like a wuss...
:'''Butt-head''': I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is irritating!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Comateens|Comateens]], &quot;The Late Mistake&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
:'''Butt-head''': Here we go again.
:'''Beavis''': This sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Imitating lead singer''] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh God.
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is the problem with this crap?
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Sees a note that says Don't try to follow''] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''in time with the song''] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
:'''Butt-head''': If those were the words, it'd be cool!
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of writing a song called &quot;Damn it, Son of a bitch!&quot; And it's gonna go something like &quot;Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer hides herself in a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Two men are trying to open a coffin'']
:'''Butt-head''': How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
:'''Beavis''': They're using [[w:Crowbar (US band)|Crowbar]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should get that [[w:Kirk Windstein|big fat dude]] from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.

===[[w:Compulsion (band)|Compulsion]], &quot;Delivery&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…water! Wa-ter!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, there's some water. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of these [[w:music videos|videos]] where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [''Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation''] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no.
:'''Beavis''': So um…what's on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, let's see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [''The video comes back on''] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.

===[[w:Coolio|Coolio]], &quot;[[w:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]&quot;===
:'''[[Michelle Pfeiffer]]''': You wanna tell me what this is all about?
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;You wanna tell me what this is all about?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. This is from [[w:Dangerous Minds (film)|that movie]] where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and it's like, you know, she &quot;makes a difference&quot; or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's really stupid. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
:'''Beavis''': Uh-huh.
:'''Butt-head''': …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, a while ago when Coolio said &quot;I see myself in the pistol smoke&quot;, he stole that from [[Snoop Dogg|Snoop Doggy Dogg]].

===[[Alice Cooper]], &quot;Lost in America&quot;===
:'''Alice Cooper''': I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really!
:'''Alice''': I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Me neither.
:'''Butt-head''': Me neither. 
:'''Alice''': I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Life sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alice''': I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
:'''Butt-head''': Preach on, brother Cooper.
:'''Beavis''': Mmhmm, I know that's right.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
:'''Beavis''': Mmmhmm, I heard that.
:'''Alice''': I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks.
:'''Alice''': So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
:'''Butt-head''': He doesn't get cable?
:'''Beavis''': What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
:'''Butt-head''': He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
:'''Beavis''': He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.

===[[w:Corrosion of Conformity|Corrosion of Conformity]], &quot;Clean My Wounds&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
:'''Butt-head''': Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': All these [[w:music videos|videos]] nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, and they're all weird.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
:'''Butt-head''': Frank.
:'''Beavis''': Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.

===[[w:Coverdale•Page|Coverdale•Page]], &quot;Pride and Joy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[w:Led Zeppelin|Led Zeppelin]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it's like, they always do that.  But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, [[w:David Coverdale|that dude]] has hips like a woman!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again.  [''chuckles''] I said &quot;put out.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves.  And just do the same stuff over and over.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;eat themselves.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Rep-''eat themselves''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, I thought this ''was'' the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...no, Beavis!  This is, like, the ''making'' of the video.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  They should just, like, show the video because, like, ''this'' thing sucks!

===[[w:The Cramps|The Cramps]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bikini Girls with Machine Guns|Bikini Girls with Machine Guns]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that guy from [[Cheers]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that [[w:Sam Malone|Sam Malone]] guy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has [[w:bikini|bikini]] girls and [[w:machine guns|machine guns]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If only all videos could be like this.

====&quot;[[w:Ultra Twist!|Ultra Twist!]]&quot;====
:'''Narrator''': And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
:'''Beavis''': I think this is [[w:Tales From the Crypt|Tales From the Crypt]]! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
:'''Butt-head''': You're a prevert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [''imitating the Crypt Keeper''] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
:'''Beavis''': Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, [''imitating an old lady''] &quot;I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?&quot; [''coughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then you're like, &quot;Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
:'''Butt-head''': And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': &quot;Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys understand the importance of a good butt.

===[[w:Crowbar (American band)|Crowbar]]===
====&quot;All I Had (I Gave)&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [[w:Kirk Windstein|This dude]] looks like that assistant football coach.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!''&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. &quot;''WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;''YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How many fat dudes are there in this band?
:'''Beavis''': Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's having trouble defecating.
:'''Kirk Windstein''': '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)'''''
:'''Beavis''': Uh, not anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He just took a dump!

====&quot;Existence Is Punishment&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's Crowbar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  They're always taking a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kirk Windstein''': I gave my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Kirk Windstein''': ...and soul to you!
:'''Butt-head''': He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is slow and fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get ''fat!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And then every now and then, you just go, &quot;I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then you just sit there and get fat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is, like, a love song.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  It is [[w:It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)|a love song so divine]].  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown shouting in the crowd'']
:'''Butt-head''': Did you see that guy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head''': Must be his first concert.
:'''Beavis''': His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon. 
:'''Butt-head''': She said, &quot;Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!

===[[w:Julee Cruise|Julee Cruise]], &quot;Rockin' Back Inside My Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. Is this [[w:Eurythmics|The Eurythmics]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Julee is singing from an open trunk'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This reminds me of that part in ''[[Goodfellas]]'' where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
:'''Beavis''': Remember that one part where he goes &quot;What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!&quot; Pretty good, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, then [[w:Ray Liotta|that guy]] wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
:'''Beavis''': That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You wussed out too.

===[[w:The Cult|The Cult]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fire Woman|Fire Woman]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cult rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, [[w:Videocassette recorder|CPRs]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Those things are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wish ''I'' was born with a tattoo.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em.  You get 'em when you join the [[Navy]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  You could have &quot;I'm a wuss&quot; tattooed across your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lead singer [[w:Ian Astbury|Ian Astbury]] is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage'']
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna [[w:Vomiting|boot]] on someone!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': He's gonna boot!

====&quot;Lil' Devil&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': This rocks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish I could rock like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They rock!  They ROCK!  They ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes &quot;AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground.  Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [''imitates the [[w:Iron Man (song)|Iron Man]] riff''] &quot;Dun-dun-da-dun-dun!  Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!&quot;  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Ian Astbury|He]]'s wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Culture Club|Culture Club]], &quot;[[w:Karma Chameleon|Karma Chameleon]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is a very gay tune.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You mean, like, happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Boy George''': I'm a man...
:'''Butt-head''': You're a man?  No way!
:'''Beavis''': He's not even a boy.
:'''Butt-head''': He's Boy George.  This video needs some, like, car accidents.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, with lots of [[fire]].  Then it would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is this supposed to be, like, in the [[future]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The future sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Cure|The Cure]], &quot;Caterpillar&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at [[w:Chuck E. Cheese's|Chuck E. Cheese's]]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! They sucked.
:'''Beavis''': I kept banging on the glass and saying &quot;STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come [[Robert Smith (musician)|this guy]] won't look at the camera?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! That pisses me off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
:'''Butt-head''': How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [''wails''] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': His lipstick's on crooked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''Wails in imitation again''] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
:'''Beavis''': If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.

===[[w:Curve (band)|Curve]], &quot;Missing Link&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...yeah.  A chick in the rain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And a dog.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess that's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Water, water, WATER!  WATER!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Toni Halliday|That chick]] needs a raincoat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Hey, Beavis.  Do you like, uh...have a [[w:Condom|raincoat]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...when was the last time you used it?
:'''Beavis''': Last night!  On your mom!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  [''he and Beavis start fighting'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey,  Butt-head. You know how like when it rains, like &lt;?&gt; on the street and like, all of those worms come out and you step on them and they go pizzzhhhfff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Mud is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Mud rules. How come these guys are like playing out in the mud?
:'''Butt-head''': Err... Well, it's either because they're really stupid or really cool.

==D==
===[[w:Michael Damian|Michael Damian]], &quot;[[w:Rock On (David Essex song)|Rock On]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's this a commercial for?
:'''Beavis''': This is that deodorant commercial.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's 'cause this guy stinks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And he sucks, too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this dude on some soap opera?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's on &quot;As the World Sucks.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video should have a warning label.  &quot;Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!  Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danger Danger|Danger Danger]], &quot;Naughty Naughty&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit!  If this is [[w:Bon Jovi|Bon Jovi]], I'm gonna-- [''the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off''] Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Her back's all bent out of shape!  What's wrong?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.  You butthole.  When you see a chick in a window like that...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head.  I think she was, like, injured.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, whatever it was, it gave ''me'' a stiffy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, &quot;Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?&quot;  And then I hung up!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
:'''Beavis''': It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:Danzig|Danzig]]===
====&quot;Cantspeak&quot;====
:[''round, steel balls are shown dropping'']
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Plop&quot;. &quot;Plop&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop!&quot; 
:'''Butt-head''': This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
:'''Beavis''': I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, &quot;The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!&quot; In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, and they will go &quot;plop!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that &quot;pearl formula weight gain&quot; powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out his eyes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. [''starts smacking Beavis repeatedly'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just ''stops''! Like, just, out of nowhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-[''the video ends'']

====&quot;How the Gods Kill&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes less intense'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, man!  This part sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': For such a [[w:Glenn Danzig|big, muscular dude]], he sure sings like a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!  Rock, dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song becomes more intense'']
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': It's about time they stopped being wimpy!

====&quot;Mother&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!

====&quot;Mother '93&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude could, like, bench press 140.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Danzig shakes around while singing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
:'''Beavis''': I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
:'''Beavis''': Uh, Geraldo?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

===[[w:Terence Trent D'Arby|Terence Trent D'Arby]], &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that [[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''sees Terence Trent D'Arby''] That's not Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Terence Trent D'Arby''': But she kissed me, and she put it there.
:'''Butt-head''': She kissed him ''where?''
:'''Beavis''': Down there.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Liar.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]]===
====&quot;Punk Rock Girl&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  It's not so bad.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Something's wrong with these guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they're not trying very hard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And they're making lots of mistakes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I bet I could take [[w:Joe Genaro|this guy]] in a fight.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I could kick his butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  I could kick [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]]'s ass, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A ''real'' punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  She'd spit out his brains!  Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Smokin' Banana Peels&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Hippies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Does this suck?
:'''Butt-head''': Beats me.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What are they doing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is college music.
:'''Butt-head''': This is musical masturbation.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What do ''you'' listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
:'''Beavis''': I like to put on &quot;Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a monkey is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Dogs are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  This sucks, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It sure does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Death (band)|Death]], &quot;The Philosopher&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! Is this a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a small boy running'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's [[w:Jeremy (song)#Music video|Jeremy]].
:'''Beavis''': He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking the singer''] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''screaming''] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.

===[[w:De La Soul|De La Soul]], &quot;Ego Trippin'&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:'''Butt-head''':AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Screaming rules. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'll do some more. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
:''''Butt-head''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

:'''[[w:Kelvin Mercer|Pos]]''': Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
:'''Beavis''': Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry man. Phenomenon, Phenomenon. Phenomenon.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!

:'''Butt-head''': Is that girl like in the band?
:'''Beavis''': Umm. I don't know. It's like she's hanging out with the boys but it's like, you know, she's there just to catch a... Whoa, look at that butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God! Ah! 
:'''Butt-head''': that was quite a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. That's something, right there. 
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, we should get one of those big tubs and like... and then we could like, have some chicks over, you know, and then like they could be in bikinis... Whoa! Look they're beating up a white guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Err... I think he just tripped. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:deadmau5|deadmau5]] feat. [[w:Rob Swire|Rob Swire]], &quot;[[w:Ghosts 'n' Stuff|Ghosts 'n' Stuff]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that deadmau5?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He looks like [[Eminem]] without his mouse helmet.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Was it Stewart?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know [[Daria]] killed herself, I remember that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just [[Daria#Esteemsters_.5B1.01.5D|moved away]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this. 
:'''Beavis''': See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': He's a smart guy, that Rick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

===[[w:Deconstruction (band)|Deconstruction]], &quot;L.A. Song&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well I'll be damned, it's [[w:Dave Navarro|Dave Navarro]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in [[w:Jane's Addiction|another band]], but then he quit, and now he's in the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Chili Peppers]] or something.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': I saw it on [[w:MTV News|MTV News]]. [''imitates the theme music''] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dork, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear it from [[w:Kurt Loder|Kurt Scrotur]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, from [[w:Tabitha Soren|Tabitha Sore-End]]. Get it? Sore end?
:'''Butt-head''': I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [''Scoffs''] You know the MTV News theme song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and [[W:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony]] is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, &quot;Screw this&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Did you hear that on MTV News? [''imitating MTV News theme music''] Do-do-do-do-do!

===[[w:Rick Dees|Rick Dees]], &quot;Get Nekked&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''about a man in the background with a bathrobe on''] Look at that guy back there.  [''man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by''] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
:'''Beavis''': Where was the butt?
:'''Butt-head''': It was right next to her legs.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Dammit, I always do that!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him''] He has a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, o-oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Well.  This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, this sucks!  Look at that.  That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner?  It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic.  Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, no.  I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying.  I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna have about ''four'' buttholes if you don't shut up.
:'''Beavis''': It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head!  Dumbass!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Def Leppard|Def Leppard]], &quot;[[w:Animal (Def Leppard song)|Animal]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Circuses suck!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Where's the dude with two butts?
:'''Beavis''': Right here next to me.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't make me smack you again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung.  And it, like, really sucks.  So this dude says, &quot;Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?&quot;  And the guy says, &quot;'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty funny!  That was a good one!
:'''Butt-head''': It's all in how you tell it, dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Spın̈al Tap]] really sucks lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They have all new guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pull my finger, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Del Amitri|Del Amitri]], &quot;Roll To Me&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna do every single girl in this video.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
:'''Beavis''': Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, &quot;[[w:Been Caught Stealing|Been Caught Stealing]]&quot;, and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Uh, let me think…&quot;[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]]&quot;…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.

===[[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]] with [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], &quot;Real American&quot;===
:'''Rick Derringer''': I am a real American...
:'''Butt-head''': He's a real American.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He ''fights'' for what is right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': He ''fights!''  He ''fights!''
:'''Butt-head''': He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, those are [[w:Suppository|depositories]].  These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your [[w:Testicle|nads]] shrink.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  What's the point?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.  It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!

===[[w:Deus (band)|Deus]], &quot;Suds and Soda&quot;===
:[''a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song'']
:'''Beavis''': Is that the smoke alarm?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. This is freaking me out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is weird.
:'''Beavis''': I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [''coughs''] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah, sort of.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're always like, [''imitates Beavis''] &quot;Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I don't sound like that! [''coughs''] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [''imitates Beavis'']  &quot;Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[''incoherent gibberish'']&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [''coughs''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy patting his stomach for?
:'''Beavis''': Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, &quot;As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''interrupting''] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [''mockingly''] &quot;Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [''incoherent gibberish'']…&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying &quot;Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Fried…[''coughs'']…fried egg, fried, [''coughs''] fried egg…

===[[Devo]], &quot;[[w:Whip It|Whip It]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that [[Ross Perot]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitating Ross Perot''] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [''starts going out of time with the song''] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[''realizes he is singing out of time'']…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out those hats.
:'''Beavis''': Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

===The Didjits, &quot;Judge the Hot Fudge&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, dumbass.  Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy fries butt nuggets.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's a butt nugget?
:'''Butt-head''': Here, I'll show you.  [''is shown grunting'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahh!  No thanks, Butt-head.  I - I'm not that hungry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What's the deal with these guys?  It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Oh yeah.  They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This isn't, like, a real video.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Well, that's good, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I ''am'' getting kinda hungry.  Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Here you go!  [''grunts''] Regular or cool ranch?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Butt nuggets.

===Die Cheerleader, &quot;Pigskin Parade&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, people on a couch!  Is this &quot;[[w:Friends|Friends]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, no, it's a video.  It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that show &quot;Friends&quot; is stupid!  It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, [[w:Courteney Cox|that one chick]] is way too skinny.  And her face looks like a scarecrow!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
:'''Beavis''': What did you call me?
:'''Butt-head''': I called you &quot;King Turd.&quot;  'Cause that's what you are.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

===[[w:Digital Underground|Digital Underground]], &quot;[[w:The Humpty Dance|The Humpty Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Humpty kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Humpty rules!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': My name is Humpty, pronounced with a &quot;umpty&quot;...
:'''Beavis:''' The name is Humpty, pronounced with an &quot;umpty.&quot;
:'''Humpty Hump''': ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
:'''Butt-head''': Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose.  He got in some accident.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  That's just a plastic nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  That's because he had plastic surgery!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Humpty Hump''': I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! [''he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Dink (band)|Dink]], &quot;Green Mind&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check out that tornado!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a tornado, that's that [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Tasmanian Devil]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] upside the head with a shovel?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like the one where they grab [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]] by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

===[[w:Dinosaur Jr.|Dinosaur Jr.]]===
====&quot;Feel the Pain&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
:'''Butt-head''': We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
:'''Butt-head''': You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
:'''Beavis''': [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
:'''Beavis''': That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
:'''Butt-head''': [''raises voice to normal volume''] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
:'''Butt-head''': You're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Check this out. [''quiet voice''] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': See, Beavis, you can't do it. [''quiet voice''] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.

====&quot;I Don't Think So&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
:'''Beavis''': Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': I know. So what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…is this [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…[[w:Grover|Grover]].
:'''Butt-head''': You probably watch Sesame Street.
:'''Beavis''': No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know [[w:Count Von Count|the guy]] that comes out, and he goes &quot;Twelve chocolate cakes&quot;, and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
:'''Beavis''': Those are some big boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
:'''Beavis''': I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Well, [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]'s kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': That fat pig?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.

===[[Dire Straits]], &quot;Walk of Life&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': CROTCH STUFFING!
:'''Beavis''': Let's try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe we would get some.
:'''Beavis''': Some what?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude.
:'''Beavis''': Nice organ lick.
:'''Butt-head''': Organ lick?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are hippies.
:'''Beavis''': I hate hippies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These are like sports bleepers.
:'''Beavis''': Sports suck!
:'''Butt-head''': This is like circus music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!

===[[w:Cale Dodds|Cale Dodds]], &quot;I Like Where This is Going&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Seth McFarlane|the guy]] who does ''[[Family Guy]]''. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;I was nothing like you. You're a loser.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's grooming him. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. ''[cackles]'' They told us about these kinds of guys in health class. 
:'''Beavis''': All the warning signs were there. 
:'''Butt-head''': They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware. 
:'''Beavis''': They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free. 
:'''Butt-head''': Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe I should try that. 
:'''Butt-head''': As soon as the director says &quot;cut&quot;, that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
:'''Beavis''': And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey. 
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a country song.

===[[w:Dog Eat Dog (band)|Dog Eat Dog]], &quot;No Fronts&quot;===
:[''video opens with people snowboarding'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[w:Aspen Extreme|Aspen Extreme]]''.
:'''Beavis''': That movie ''sucked!''  I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick ''never got naked!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  How could she not get naked when they say &quot;ass&quot; right in the title?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.  I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
:'''Beavis''': It's the only place they're safe!  They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  No chicks, no butts.
:'''Beavis''': ''&quot;Get me some marshmallows, biatch!&quot;''  Change the channel, Butt-head.  I've had enough of this.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I think it's over, though.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, good it's over.  [''the song doesn't end''] No, no.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ''now'' it's over.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Okay, now it's over.  Ahhhhhhhh!  [''the song continues''] Oh, no!  Dammit!  Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
:'''Butt-head''': What a bunch of buttmunches!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Doug E. Fresh|Doug E. Fresh]], &quot;I-ight (Alright)&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  I-ight!  I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown bouncing her breasts'']
:'''Beavis''': Thingies!  Thingies!
:'''Butt-head''': Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They show, like, bouncing boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Boobs!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Isn't &quot;I-ight&quot; what that dude [[w:Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)|Gilligan]] says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's like, &quot;I-ight, [[w:The Skipper|Skipper]]!  Here are those coconuts!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or like, &quot;I-ight!  I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That Skipper dude is a bunghole.  [''imitating the Skipper''] &quot;Uhhhhh, Gilligan!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He should go, like, &quot;I quit, fat dude.  You can get your own damn coconuts.  I-ight!  I-ight!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is he spitting?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Doug E. Fresh''': To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
:'''Beavis''': What about me?  Yeah.  What about me?  To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': I-ight!

===[[w:Dr. Dre|Dr. Dre]], &quot;[[w:Keep Their Heads Ringin'|Keep Their Heads Ringin']]&quot;===
:'''Dr. Dre''': Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
:'''Butt-head''': Because your mom's white, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
:'''Beavis''': Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says &quot;So, where did you get this plane?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd be like &quot;Well, I got it from the airport.&quot; Cause they have a store there.
:'''Beavis''': Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': What did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I said &quot;Shut up&quot;. I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Ronnie Dunn|Ronnie Dunn]], &quot;[[w:Let the Cowboy Rock|Let the Cowboy Rock]]&quot;===
:'''Smart Beavis''': Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as &quot;[[w:Cost of Livin'|Cost of Livin']]&quot;, and &quot;[[w:Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing|Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing]].&quot;
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Very stupid. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I don't know why, but this music is making me love America. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': This video also makes me want to worship the man they call [[w:Jesus|Jesus]].
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes, indeed yes. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Beavis''': I wish there was more footage of the females in this video. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.  
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Quite humerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, and your mother is quite honorable. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': ... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. ''[a horseback rider is seen]'' Is this the cowboy's wife?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis. 
:'''Smart Beavis''': I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Humor detected.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, humorous. Quite humorous. 
:'''Smart Butt-head''': Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
:'''Smart Beavis''': Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.

===Josie Dunne, &quot;Good Boys&quot;===
:''[as a group of firemen are shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Oh God... firemen, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like &quot;Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!&quot; But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess. 
:'''Butt-head''': Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose. 
:'''Beavis''': No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's ''water''! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them ''water''men! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them &quot;son of a bitches.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You thought firemen start fires?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the ''fire''man, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.

===[[w:The Dylans|The Dylans]], &quot;Grudge&quot;===
:[''video opens with a [[w:Boombox|boombox]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, maybe they'll break it.  Yeah.  [''a sledgehammer smashes the boombox''] Ooooh!  Yeah!  [''a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase''] Ahhh...uh huh.  W - what?  What's going on?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''honey is being poured on fruit''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're putting honey on grapes?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.  Yeah.  Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you did it wrong.  The guy in the movie was, like, ''feet'' first.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped.  It was cool.

==E==
===[[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]], &quot;[[w:Sugar Walls|Sugar Walls]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Who is this chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.  She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in [[w:K-Mart|K-Mart]].
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She did [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Well, at least that's ''something.''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Like, move down and show her butt or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  This chick is pretty dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And she's probably a slut, too.
:'''Beavis''': Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
:'''Butt-head''': Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  That's one thing I like about him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He has a vision.
:'''Beavis''': Me too.  Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me!  Yeah.  It's gonna be cool.

===[[w:Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes|Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes]], &quot;Kisses Over Babylon&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that [[w:Jesus Christ|Christ]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously.  Come on.  You know better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah.  It's Spanish.
:'''Beavis''': Wow.  So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It is a miracle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that Christ is something else.  I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''as prisoners try to escape prison''] Wow, they really hate this song.
:'''Butt-head''': These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.

===[[w:Elastica|Elastica]], &quot;[[w:Connection (song)|Connection]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, a chick band!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several naked men are sitting around the band'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at all these naked dudes!  They're just, like, sitting there!  What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
:'''Beavis''': Look, a buttcheek!  A schlong!  A nad!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are just hands, Beavis.  That's not his nads, his nutsack, ''or'' his buttcheeks.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.  You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people.  They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING!  IT MAKES ME MAD!  This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, yeah!  But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be ''me'', see?  And I'd be naked!  That would rule!  Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe they're looking at their boobs.  Did you ever think of that?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks must be pretty cool.  They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes!  That rules!  I mean, you know, for a chick.  You know.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's a pretty good idea.  You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.

===[[w:Carmen Electra|Carmen Electra]], &quot;Everybody Get On Up&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I'm al''ready'' &quot;[[w:erection|up]].&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this a [[advertisement|commercial]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's a commercial for [[w:MTV|MTV's]] ''[[w:House of Style|House of Butts]]''.
:'''Beavis''': She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's high noon on ''my'' sundial.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She said &quot;[[w:ejaculate|cream]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go [[w:masturbate|spank my monkey]].

===[[w:Electric Sun|Electric Sun]], &quot;The Night The Master Comes&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, &quot;sucks&quot; isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.

===[[w:Eleven (band)|Eleven]], &quot;Reach Out&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[Boy George]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's all fat now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': He's a turd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he's [[w:bisexuality|bisexual]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
:'''Beavis''': So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
:'''Beavis''': And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
:'''Butt-head''': You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

===[[w:En Vogue|En Vogue]] with [[w:Salt-n-Pepa|Salt-n-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Whatta Man|Whatta Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  These chicks are horny!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH!  YEAH!  How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  I've seen this video about a million times!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, me too!  I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off!  I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something.  She ''never does!''
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's the same video!  If she doesn't get naked the ''first'' time you see it, she's ''never'' gonna get naked.
:'''Beavis''': How do ''you'' know, Butt-head?  You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something.  Here it comes.  See?  Stand up, stand up!  STAND UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  She's not gonna be naked!  It's the same video every time!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  You don't know that.  I th - I think she's gonna be naked.  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Maybe she'll do it ''this'' time!  Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Show it!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She's got that stuff in her hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That stuff's called [[w:Jheri curl|jelly curl]].
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Buttknocker.
:'''Beavis''': Hey!  Don't call me that, Butt-head!  I'm serious!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dillhole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  That's better.

===[[w:Entombed (band)|Entombed]], &quot;Wolverine Blues&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, you snooze, you lose. [''leaves the room'']
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…''[turns around and sees Butt-head has left''] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [''gets up'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling from bathroom''] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [''Beavis sits down'']
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…''[calls out''] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, just a few more minutes.
:'''Beavis''': Guess I'll go take a leak. [''leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
:'''Beavis''': WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Butt-head''': I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
:'''Beavis''': YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
:'''Butt-head''': DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

===[[w:Enuff Z'nuff|Enuff Z'nuff]], &quot;Fly High Michelle&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Have a nice day, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': She looks like that [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]] chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These chicks aren't as cool as the [[w:Cycle Sluts from Hell|Cycle Sluts]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And [[w:L7 (band)|L7]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They kick ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Are you sure these are chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': They better be.  They're giving me a woodrow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.

===[[w:Maggie Estep|Maggie Estep]], &quot;Hey Baby&quot;===
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
:'''Butt-head''': This chick doesn't sing very good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
:'''Maggie Estep''': [''Begins talking''] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
:'''Beavis''': Okay. That's better.
:'''Butt-head''': Is she like, telling a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Maggie Estep''': I get all tense and nervous…
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but I keep walking…
:'''Beavis''': Ah! Uh huh.
:'''Maggie Estep''': …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
:'''Maggie Estep''': Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [''A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now that's a good joke.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd get it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
:'''Beavis''': I heard that.
:'''Butt-head''': …and then she just came up and got in his face!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': And she &lt;!-- Not quite sure what he said --&gt;just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

===[[w:Ethyl Meatplow|Ethyl Meatplow]], &quot;Devil's Johnson&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Scummy people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Scummy people are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': ''Slimy'' people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Slimy people rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you hear that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;devil's johnson&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he just said it!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, he must've said &quot;[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Butt-head''': He said it again!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  YEAH!  I heard it!  He keeps saying it again!
:'''Ethyl Meatplow''': Smoking on the devil's johnson...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he said it again!  He keeps saying it again and again!  Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's saying &quot;[[w:Magic Johnson|Magic Johnson]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I got a magic johnson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Beavis' magic johnson.  It disappears into his hand.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:The Europeans (band)|The Europeans]], &quot;We Are Animals&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Oh my God.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, dear Lord!
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks.
:'''Beavis''': AAAH! Good God Almighty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
:'''Butt-head''': Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
:'''Beavis''': Two…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…four?
:'''Beavis''': Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
:'''Beavis''': Um…thirteen. [''Resumes counting''] Uh…fifteen…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees two men fighting''] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': [''yelling''] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
:'''Beavis''': Um…what?
:'''Butt-head''': NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I dunno.

===[[w:Eve's Plum|Eve's Plum]], &quot;Blue&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': WATER, WATER!  Yeah, yeah!  WATER, WATER!
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I - I don't know, water's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This seems pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Ooohh, baby! ''Ye-eah!''
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [[w:Vitamin C (singer)|This chick]] is hot!
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
:'''Beavis''': If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, ''&quot;Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!&quot;''
:'''[[w:Vitamin C (singer)|Colleen Fitzpatrick]]''': ...heading my direction...
:'''Beavis''': WHOA!  Whoa, did she say &quot;erection&quot;?!
:'''Butt-head''': I hope so!
:'''Beavis''': I'll say.  ''Errrection!''
:'''Butt-head''': I don't care if ''you'' say it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Well - well, I think she said it.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
:'''Beavis''': Well, her ''face'' is naked.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  ''Every'' girl's face is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body.  Yeah.  I'd settle for that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  I bet chicks would go for that!
:'''Beavis''': Ass naked rules.

===[[w:Extreme (band)|Extreme]], &quot;Hole-Hearted&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright!
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…''[hums the melody'']  Yeah, this is really cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [''laughs''] Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You really like this crap.
:'''Beavis''': No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

==F==
===[[w:The Fabulous Thunderbirds|The Fabulous Thunderbirds]], &quot;Wrap It Up&quot;===
:[''video opens with several women in bikinis'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Whoa!  WHOA!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS AND BUTTS!  Whoa, whoa!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at ''her!''  Whoa, look at that!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  If [[w:Kim Wilson|''this'' dude]] here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we need to start a band.  Today.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Whoa, look at ''her!''
:'''Butt-head''': I mean, like, right now.  While we're sitting here on our butts...
:'''Beavis''': BOOBS!
:'''Butt-head''': ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it.  Let's do it!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Just as soon as this video's over.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh.  Oh yeah, yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Like, in our band...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but we'll have cooler cars.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up.  And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em.  Ye-eah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That'll be cool.

===[[w:Donald Fagen|Donald Fagen]], &quot;Snowbound&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmmmmmmm…….

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, just cool out.
:'''Beavis''': Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
:[''They begin to fall asleep'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''slaps Beavis''] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
:'''Beavis''': Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

===[[w:Faith No More|Faith No More]]===
====&quot;Diggin' the Grave&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
:'''Butt-head''': No, and I don't care, either.
:'''Beavis''': This is Faith No More.
:'''Butt-head''': [''sarcastic''] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
:'''Butt-head''': They just look and sound like everything else.
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, it kinda rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna lay down. Move over!
:'''Beavis''': No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis, get up!
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
:'''Beavis''': I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
:'''Beavis''': No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
:'''Beavis''': Really? 
:'''Butt-head''': You should check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Is it still there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me go have a look. [''exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.'']

====&quot;[[w:Easy (Commodores song)#Faith No More cover|Easy]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]]''': I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''referring to a man dressed in women's clothing''] That chick's pretty hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ooooaaah. 
:'''Butt-head''': They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
:[''The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': I'm easy like Sunday morning…
:'''Butt-head''': What's so great about Sunday morning?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
:'''Beavis''': You know what really sucks is evening.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Every single day sucks.

====&quot;[[w:Epic (Faith No More song)|Epic]]&quot;====
:[''a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning'']
:'''Butt-head''': I wish ''I'' had an eye in my hand.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;reach around.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I love the [[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''singer [[w:Mike Patton|Mike Patton]] is seen wearing a shirt that says &quot;MR. BUNGLE&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Whoa!  Did you see that?  His shirt said &quot;Mr. Bunghole&quot;!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what is it?
:'''Mike Patton''': What is it?
:'''Butt-head''': What is it?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''rain is pouring down on the band'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rain sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish this video had, like, some explosions.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': It ''does'' have some explosions.
:'''Butt-head''': Fairies grant wishes!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, asswipe!
:[''video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes'']

===[[w:Fatima Mansions|Fatima Mansions]], &quot;The Loyaliser&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [''picks up a magazine'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
:'''Beavis''': Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from [[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
:'''Beavis''': Ah, no. Just this one.
:'''Butt-head''': Can I read it when you're done?
:'''Beavis''': No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd you get that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

===[[w:Filter (band)|Filter]], &quot;[[w:Hey Man, Nice Shot|Hey Man, Nice Shot]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those [[w:music videos|videos]] where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
:'''Butt-head''': You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Art sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colors…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's all, uhh…[''the pair fall asleep'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh!
:'''Beavis''': Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
:'''Butt-head''': It still has all this blurry crap.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is a [[w:Buzz Bin|buzz clip]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[''the pair resume sleeping'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the video ends'']
:'''Beavis''': [''yells''] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''disorientated''] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

===[[w:The Flaming Lips|The Flaming Lips]]===
====&quot;[[w:She Don't Use Jelly|She Don't Use Jelly]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Wayne Coyne|Wayne Coyne]]''': She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
:'''Beavis''': He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I can make toast. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Fields suck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''sings off-key''] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

====&quot;Turn It On&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, why?
:'''Beavis''': Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, &quot;So, I bet that underwear was on your butt.&quot; You know what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say &quot;So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say &quot;Since you're already doing a load…&quot;, heh, load…&quot;Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?&quot; And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
:'''Butt-head''': And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
:'''Beavis''': I'm ready for love.

===[[w:John Fogerty|John Fogerty]], &quot;Old Man Down the Road&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, that looks like [[w:Jungle Cruise|that Jungle Ride]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  That's so stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what another cool ride to jump off of is?  Is the, uh, [[w:The Haunted Mansion|the Haunted House]].  I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car.  And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, &quot;Poopapoo!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter.  I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um...n - uh...oh.  Um, no.

===[[Foo Fighters]], &quot;[[w:I'll Stick Around|I'll Stick Around]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's [[Dave Grohl|that dude]] from [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvarna]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think [[Kurt Cobain|that dude]]'s with us anymore.  You shouldn't say that.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um, I've never seen [[w:William Goldsmith|that drummer]] before in my life!  That's not him.
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Oh yeah, you're right.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know?  They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?  Do you, like, [[w:Homosexuality|swing on that side]] now?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, do I swing?  No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old.  Um...I don't even think we ''have'' a swingset anymore.  What are you talking about?
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh, never mind, Beavis.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].  You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like &quot;I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!&quot; That would rule!

===[[w:Lita Ford|Lita Ford]] with [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], &quot;Close My Eyes Forever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah!  Uh...why is he whining?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...boy.  This isn't very good.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head?  I think this is the [[w:Indigo Girls|Indigo Girls]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Monster face and wuss music do not go together.  It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh yeah.  Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': [''starts laughing''] I'm being ''what'', Ozzy?
:'''Beavis''': ''Hard'' on Ozzy.  [''gets why Butt-head is laughing''] Oh yeah.

===[[w:Samantha Fox|Samantha Fox]], &quot;[[w:Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)|Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's one of those grubby girls.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She wants me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Samantha Fox''': Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She just had sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't they show that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She said she just had sex.
:'''Butt-head''': It wasn't with any of ''those'' guys.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And like, if the music was cool, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And not those guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Then it would rule!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie Goes to Hollywood]], &quot;[[w:Two Tribes|Two Tribes]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': What is ''this?''
:'''Butt-head''': This is crap.  Art sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Hey, that's [[Konstantin Chernenko|that guy from that country in the news]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs more blood.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ronald Reagan|the President]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like the ending of that ''[[w:Rocky IV|Rocky 4]]'' movie.
:'''Beavis''': No way, asswipe!  That doesn't look like [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dude!  You're thinking of ''[[w:Rocky III|Rocky 3]]''.
:'''Beavis''': No, Mr. T was in ''Rocky 4''!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  ''Rocky 4'' was where he kicked ass on [[w:Ivan Drago|that dude]] from [[w:Soviet Union|that country]].
:'''Beavis''': No, dude, that was ''[[w:Rocky II|Rocky 2]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes?  That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was, uhh, ''Rocky 6''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  ''Rocky 6'' was the best one.
:'''Beavis''': Have you seen that movie ''[[w:Rocky V|Rocky V]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's not as cool as ''Rocky 5'', though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is, &quot;Change it.&quot;

==G==
===[[w:Georgia Satellites|Georgia Satellites]], &quot;Keep Your Hands to Yourself&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys ''rule''!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [''imitating lead singer Dan Baird''] Got no loving, no kissing!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That lead singer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He's cool.  He looks like my cousin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Which one?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you know.  [[w:Dickhead|Richard Head]]?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy's teeth are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It runs in the family.  We all have cool teeth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  He's cool.

===[[w:Gerardo Mejía|Gerardo]], &quot;[[w:Rico Suave (song)|Rico Suave]]&quot;===
:[''both imitate Gerardo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Rrrico!  Suave!
:'''Beavis''': Rrrrrico!  Suave!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a tight dress is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
:'''Butt-head''': Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [''speaks Spanish gibberish'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Guacamole!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gerardo''': You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a [[w:Gigolo|gigolo]].
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What's a gigolo?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Change it.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]], &quot;[[w:Out of the Blue (Debbie Gibson song)|Out of the Blue]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]] sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Olivia Neuter-John.  That's that [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|rich chick]] from ''[[Beverly Hills, 90210|90...2...uh, 6, 1]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  [[w:List of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters#Donna Martin|Donna]].
:'''Butt-head''': That's not Donna!  Donna's the [[w:Slut|slut]].  This is [[w:Kelly Taylor (90210)|Kelly]].
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude!  Donna's not a slut.  She's the virgin, ''Kelly's'' the slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Does she look like a slut to ''you'', Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's why it's Donna!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That must be Kelly.

===[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]], &quot;Play Dirty&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...is this [[Alice Cooper]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Hm.
:'''Butt-head''': This is an all-chick band.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  That chick can punch!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's a chick!  It's one of those...one of those girl boxers.  That's cool, they can kick ass.  They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
:'''Beavis''': No it's not!  You said it's an all-girl band.  It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer.  [''the boxer is punched to the ground''] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
:'''Beavis''': I know that, Butt-head!  I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting.  Like, clip-on nads?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a damn weirdo, Beavis.  And you're stupid, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': And chicks don't like you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Some chicks like me.

===[[w:The Go-Go's|The Go-Go's]], &quot;The Whole World Lost It's Head&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road''] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [''shows feet again''] AAH! There it is again! 
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like &quot;Ow!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [''Sees feet again''] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''Sees feet again''] FEET! FEET! OW!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
:'''Butt-head''': You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, okay, I can wait. [''sings along''] Has the whole world lost its head…''[Sees feet again''] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

===[[w:Godspeed (band)|Godspeed]], &quot;Houston St.&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really, it's like [''imitates static''] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
:'''Beavis''': That's a 10-4, good buddy. [''speaks incomprehensible gibberish''] Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, &quot;Settle down, dammit!&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, &quot;If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
:'''Butt-head''': Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like [[Al Pacino|that dude]] from, uhhh, from that movie, [[w:Scent of a Woman|Smell of a Woman]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he's like, &quot;Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!&quot; He's a good actor.

===[[w:Golden Earring|Golden Earring]], &quot;[[w:Twilight Zone (Golden Earring song)|Twilight Zone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out.  They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Interrogation is cool.
:'''Beavis''': I didn't know you knew any big words.
:'''Butt-head''': I do when the words are cool.  Like &quot;diarrhea.&quot;  And &quot;[[w:Asphyxia|assphyxiation]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And &quot;[[w:Seminiferous tubule|seminefrious tubules]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Goo Goo Dolls|Goo Goo Dolls]], &quot;Only One&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
:'''Beavis''': Well, let me think.  I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some [[w:Cheez Whiz|Cheez Whiz]] to put on the crackers.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
:'''Butt-head''': I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a [[w:Ménage à trois|massage-a-thra]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Dammit!

===[[w:The Goops|The Goops]], &quot;Booze Cabana&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Or [[w:Todd Rundgren|Todd Rundgren]].
:'''Butt-head''': Who?
:'''Beavis''': Todd Rundgren.
:'''Butt-head''': Who the hell is he, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. And you don't either.
:'''Beavis''': Um…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…he's drinking.
:'''Beavis''': I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that street where [[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] wanted to have her baby.
:'''Beavis''': So what?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman grows to an enormous size'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out!
:'''Beavis''': She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
:'''Beavis''': No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are &quot;they?&quot; And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.

===[[w:Ariana Grande|Ariana Grande]], &quot;[[w:34+35|34+35]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is that video where Ariana Grande had a lab, and she was gonna cure cancer, but  then she was just like, &quot;Nah, let's just make a bunch of slut robots.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah, she's creating a Franken-slut. Yeah yeah! ''[the female robot comes to life]'' &quot;It's alive! It's alive! It's a slut!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Presenting the Slut-bot 3000, the cutting edge in slut technology. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head, it seems like all that metal would like cut up your schlong, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's why you'd need like a special metal robo-schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, that would be cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna get it on with the [[w:Tin Woodman|Tin Man]] from ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah, he's got an iron schlong. Yes. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'll be like, &quot;Well, I guess I don't need a heart anymore.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;[[w:If I Only Had a Brain|If I only had a schlong...]]&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Tin Woodsman. ''[cackles]''

===[[w:Amy Grant|Amy Grant]], &quot;[[w:Baby Baby (Amy Grant song)|Baby Baby]]&quot;===
:[''the two laugh'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at ''this!''  What a bunch of crap!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this a [[w:Clearasil|Clearasil]] commercial?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.

===[[w:Grant Lee Buffalo|Grant Lee Buffalo]], &quot;Mockingbirds&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this another video with big [[w:The Muppets|Muppets]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]? He never poops.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': I'm pretty funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [''imitates dive-bomber''] &quot;Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go &quot;Poop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': And run over there and go &quot;Poop!&quot; A little &quot;Poop!&quot; over there.
:'''Butt-head''': That's enough.
:'''Beavis''': It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!

===[[w:The Grays (band)|The Grays]], &quot;Very Best Years&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
:'''Beavis''': Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, how do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [''the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking''] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': What's going on?
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what…what is this??
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates an arpeggio in the song''] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is like that [[w:easy listening|easy listening]] stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
:'''Beavis''': I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said ''maybe'' it would start rocking!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the chorus starts again'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''[sings in imitation again''] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys are like a cross between [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and my nads…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], and…
:'''Beavis''': And my butt…
:'''Butt-head''': [[Billy Joel]], and like, uhh…
:'''Beavis''': And some turds…
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Eddie Rabbitt|Eddie Rabbitt]]…

===[[Green Day]]===
====&quot;[[w:Basket Case (song)|Basket Case]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This looks like that movie, [[w:One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, where they got [[w:Danny DeVito|those guys]] from [[w:Taxi (TV series)|Taxi]], only they're retarded.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Remember that [[w:Chief Bromden|big Indian dude]] in that movie? 
:'''Butt-head''': Mm-hm.
:'''Beavis''': He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes &quot;Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken&quot;. And then the doctor says &quot;Then why don't you choke her?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''imitates chicken''] Bawk-ba-bawk!

====&quot;[[w:Longview (song)|Longview]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, he's watching TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
:'''Beavis''': Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Well, well…okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
:'''Butt-head''': See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … yeah. 
:[''[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like that! 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT! 
:'''Butt-head''': Break it!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': GET IN THERE
:'''Butt-head''': Kick it! Kick the couch!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't stop!
:'''Beavis''': Don't stop, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Quitters never win!

===[[w:Greta (band)|Greta]]===
====&quot;Fathom&quot;====
:[''various images flash rapidly on the screen'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this [[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death 3]]?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! '''BUT''' '''''MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
:'''Butt-head''': That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members jumps around and falls over'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy fell over.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;You stand up straight, play your guitar, and '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!'''&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''images of explosions and car crashes are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool! Uh…
:'''Beavis''': Uh, laundry! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!

====&quot;Is It What You Wanted&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey, who is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''laughing''] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes &quot;Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Beavis''': It's like, it acts as a shield.
:'''Butt-head''': I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
:[''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh [''coughs''].
:'''Beavis''': You don't have any &quot;nad protection&quot;! Yeah, that was cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''coughing''] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
:'''Butt-head''': You wussy….

===[[w:Grim Reaper (band)|Grim Reaper]]===
====&quot;Fear No Evil&quot;====
:[''both are laughing'']
:'''Beavis''': It's ''this'' again.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check it out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
:'''Butt-head''': These [[w:music videos|videos]] are funny.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should be on that show [[w:The State (TV series)|The State]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, what is that thing?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
:'''Beavis''': You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on a wolfman with huge claws'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think that's supposed to be [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]].
:'''Beavis''': That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
:'''Beavis''': No. That's not Wolverine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
:'''Beavis''': That is ''not'' Wolverine, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
:'''Beavis''': Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, shut up!

====&quot;Rock You to Hell&quot;====
:[''laughter can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''without emotion''] Ha ha ha ha ha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ha ha ha ha ha. [''sees the band''] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
:[''the lead singer rises up from laying down'']
:'''Butt-head''': UH!
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  What was that?  Was that a [[w:Bulldog|bulldog]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it was a [[w:Shih Tzu|Shih Tzu]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''Cornholio accent''] Shih Tzu!  Sha-hih Tzu!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
:[''the lead singer is shown again'']
:'''Beavis:''': AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Including Grim Reaper.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a fat little face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those [[w:Urinal deodorizer block|urinal mints]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I knew that.  Yeah, I was just kidding.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass!

====&quot;See You in Hell&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Spın̈al Tap]]?
:'''Beavis''': Tap is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Where'd these guys get their [[clothes]]?
:'''Beavis''': They [[bought]] it at that [[w:rock and roll|rock and roll]] store at the mall.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I [[think]] these guys played at the state fair last year?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the ''[[pig]]'' contest.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Because he's ''[[w:overweight|fat]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': You suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!

===[[w:Gruntruck|Gruntruck]], &quot;Crazy Love&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick is naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She has the flag on her face.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] for which it stands, invisible--
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  We're missing this video!  And it doesn't even suck.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Lights are cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Especially when they come out of your butt.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I must be hallucinating ''now.''  I can't believe they're playing something cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Toys are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  They rock!

===[[GWAR]]===
====&quot;Jack the World&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is what it's all about.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you watch all these [[w:music video|videos]], you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
:'''Butt-head''': It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
:'''Beavis''': So, how do you know what time it is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.

====&quot;The Road Behind&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': All right!  GWAR!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  GWAR is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!  GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAR kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

====&quot;Saddam a Go-Go&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, GWAR has [[w:horn (instrument)|horns]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, [[w:Balsac the Jaws of Death|Balsac]] told 'em: &quot;Throwing [[blood]] and [[w:urine|urine]] in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a [[w:seizure|seizure]] at a [[GWAR]] concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to [[help]] him.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh, it's happening…[''convulses as if he were having a seizure'']
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not gonna help you. [[w:Oderus Urungus|Oderus Urungus]] would want it that way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. [[Thanks]], Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out. [''sings along''] He [[died]] and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[''Butt-head smacks him''] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Uh…whoa, [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]! Look at that giant [[worm]] thing, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Now that's a ''damn'' [[good]] show right there. [''mock-Arabic accent''] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own [[blood]]!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating an Arabic accent''] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
:'''Beavis''': The mother of all [[wars]] has begun!

==H==
===[[w:Nina Hagen|Nina Hagen]], &quot;Herman Was His Name&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...is this that [[w:LaToya Jackson|Toyota Jackson]] chick?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''reacting to video''] Oh no.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  No!  NO!  NO!  AHHH!  GET AWAY!
:'''Butt-head''': Aaaahhhh!
:'''Beavis''': GET AWAY!  AHHH!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those bathing caps on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, what's that noise?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...I think it's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Hall &amp; Oates|Hall &amp; Oates]]===
====&quot;[[w:Jingle Bell Rock|Jingle Bell Rock]]&quot;====
:[''John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who could that be?
:[''Daryl Hall takes some of the presents'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A group of people arrive at Hall &amp; Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-oh, don't let [[Primus (band)|Primus]] in.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''My name is Mud!''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, ''MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD!'' And then he'd SPIT!

====&quot;[[w:Maneater (Hall &amp; Oates song)|Maneater]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What's [[w:Daryl Hall|this guy]] lookin' at?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  There's his little [[w:John Oates|friend]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''about Daryl Hall''] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And he's a maneater.  Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I mean - I mean, ''no!''

===[[w:Sam Harris (singer)|Sam Harris]], &quot;[[w:Over the Rainbow|Over the Rainbow]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': He's smiling at you.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh god.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at that crack in his chin.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's a buttcrack.
:'''Beavis''': Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sam Harris starts belting'']
:'''Beavis''': [''drinks soda, does a spit take''] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
:'''Butt-head''': No way. [''turns the volume up to full on the television'']
:'''Beavis''': COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': [''screams unintelligibly'']
:'''Butt-head''': That sucked, Beavis.

===[[w:PJ Harvey|PJ Harvey]]===
====&quot;50-Foot Queenie&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, [[w:Justine Bateman|that chick]] from ''[[Family Ties]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is really noisy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Noise is cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick is weird. 
:'''Beavis''': This chick's mouth is crooked.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder why.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Why is it crooked?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like a 50 foot weenie.  

====&quot;Down by the Water&quot;====
:[''P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress'']
:'''Beavis''': Well, look at that.  That's that chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah!  ''That'' chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Not too shabby!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know.  I mean, she looked all right, you know.  Ooohh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really!  She looks kinda sexy!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come chicks in videos never dress up?  It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that.  People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And you know what they say about having a big nose.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.  She probably's got a big schlong, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
:'''Beavis''': Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head.  So don't even try.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''P.J. Harvey''': [''whispers''] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this chick is freaky!  This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [''whispers''] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It doesn't freak me out when ''you'' do it, Butt-head.  It sounds stupid when ''you'' do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
:'''Beavis''': Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out.  I've done that before with stuff.

===[[Juliana Hatfield]], &quot;What A Life&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
:'''Butt-head''': Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
:'''Beavis''': Um, a second is better than nothing. 
:'''Butt-head''': No it isn't. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': ''Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?''
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and ''nobody'' likes you.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
:'''Butt-head''': [''half laughing''] You don't have any friends.
:'''Beavis''': I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you wish.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Aah, she's got ''blood'' in her eyes! ''Ew'', this is ''freaky'', Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

===[[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]], &quot;[[w:Im Nin'alu|Im Nin'alu]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this foreign?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  She's got money on her head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Money is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games.  On her horse.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is this [[w:Paula Abdul|Paula Abdulla]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Is this video about Jesus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Christ is cool.

===[[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]], &quot;Merry Christmas Santa Claus&quot;===
:'''Max''': There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
:'''Beavis''': Is it [[w:Sting (musician)|Sting]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Max''': So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude stutters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

===[[w:Helium (band)|Helium]]===
====&quot;Pat's Trick&quot;====
:[''video opens with [[w:Mary Timony|Mary Timony]] dragging a hoe'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's a hoe.
:'''Bravos''': Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [''Butt-head laughs''] Oh, um...why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis.  You thought when I said &quot;a hoe,&quot; that thought I was talking about the chick.  But I was talking about the hoe.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  'Cause, like, [[w:double entendre|when a word means two things]] like that, it's pretty funny.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned.  I didn't know that.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, it's like, &quot;choking your chicken&quot; could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it.  Or it can mean, you know, like, you're [[w:Masturbation|choking your chicken]].
:'''Beavis''': [''laughing''] Oh yeah!  Now ''that's'' funny!  Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny.  Yeah.  Yes, I - I get ''that'' one.  Okay, okay!  ''I'' got one!  Masturbating! [''laughs'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it does!  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has small nostrils.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head.  You look like a cow.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh yeah.  It means you have lots of loogie.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay, Beavis.  You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

====&quot;XXX&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this chick just like, woke up or something. 
:'''Beavis''': She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
:'''Beavis''': She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Musicians rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah!
:'''Beavis''': They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lead singer is destroying an [[w:overhead projector|overhead projector]]'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I hate those things.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A bandmember resembles [[Jim Carrey]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': ''[[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]]''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then they just leave.

===[[w:Helloween|Helloween]], &quot;Halloween&quot;===
:[''A human body in a suit with a [[w:Jack-o'-lantern|Jack-o'-lantern]] head appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, is that the [[w:Great Pumpkin|Great Pumpkin]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
:'''Butt-head''': It's from that [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] thing.  That show about that bald kid.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's that [[w:Linus van Pelt|kid with the blanket]] that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That's, uh, um, Penis.
:'''Butt-head''': His name's not &quot;Penis.&quot;  It's &quot;Anus.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
:'''Butt-head''': You're getting him mixed up with that dude [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Choder]] who plays the piano.  He's a [[w:pianist|penis]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  That's not cool to call someone a &quot;penis&quot; just because they play the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano.  You call them a penis.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really?  That's cool.  You know what we should do?  We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, &quot;Penis! Penis! Penis!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's a good idea, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin?  Like, what's he supposed to do?
:'''Butt-head''': He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
:[''A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.'']
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  You can see up that chick's dress!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
:'''Beavis''': You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah.

===[[w:Helmet (band)|Helmet]]===
====&quot;[[w:Unsung (song)|Unsung]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': [[w:John Stanier (drummer)|That drummer]] looks like a regular guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;Wilma's Rainbow&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's happening to this dude's face?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's dumb.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
:'''Beavis''': When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [''Beavis's face is in his neutral expression'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually use this expression. [''Butt-head grimaces''] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one when I'm lying. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral''] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
:'''Butt-head''': This one usually  works for me. [''Butt-head grimaces'']
:'''Beavis''': I usually use this one. [''Beavis's face is once again in neutral'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

===[[w:Hole (band)|Hole]], &quot;[[w:Violet (song)|Violet]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''The screen says Violet''] Uh…violence?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out! Hole!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
:'''Beavis''': Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole. 
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Hole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, the sign at the beginning said &quot;violence&quot;, and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! That sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
:'''Beavis''': I'll show you my butthole if you want. [''Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face''] Ow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I heard this Hole [[Courtney Love|chick]] is a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah! [''Beavis's eyes widen''] YEAH!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori Spelling]] chick.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
:'''Butt-head''': What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
:'''Butt-head''': It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!

===[[w:Huey Lewis and the News|Huey Lewis and the News]], &quot;[[w:I Want a New Drug|I Want a New Drug]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': AAHHHHHH!  [''Butt-head laughs throughout the video''] THIS SUCKS!  AHHHH!  AHH, BUTT-HEAD!  Change it, this sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Suffer, dude!
:'''Beavis''': Give me that thing, Butt-head!  Come on, give me the remote, this sucks!  This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Give me a dollar.
:'''Beavis''': That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks!  AAHHHHHH!  AAHHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.  Don't soil your drawers.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Hum (band)|Hum]], &quot;Stars&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''moans'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
:[''The song appears to end'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this video over?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
:'''Butt-head''': Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

==I==
===[[w:Billy Idol|Billy Idol]], &quot;[[w:Dancing with Myself|Dancing with Myself]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This was ''before'' the music revolution.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, this looks like that [[w:Les Misérables (musical)|Les Miserables]] poster.  In Mrs. Dickey's class?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy Idol''': With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
:'''Beavis''': This guy does ''everything'' by himself.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  I detect masturbatory overtones.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''singing with Billy Idol''] Playing with myself!  Oh oh, playing with myself!
:'''Billy Idol''': Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking about choking his chicken.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's talking about spanking his monkey.

===[[Iggy Pop]], &quot;Butt Town&quot;===
:'''Iggy Pop''': The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iggy Pop''': If you live in Butt Town….
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
:'''Iggy Pop''': …you gotta get down.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You gotta get down!
:'''Beavis''': Butt Town! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Butt Town rules. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
:'''Beavis''': Can I come too?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This dude should hook up with [[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.

===[[w:Infectious Grooves|Infectious Grooves]]===
====&quot;Three Headed Mind Pollution&quot;====
:[''Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': What? WHAT?!
:'''Beavis''': Come here, quick! [''to himself''] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh! [''he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch''] What?
:'''Beavis''': Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
:'''Beavis''': No, but check it out, this is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': It is?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
:'''Beavis''': Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
:'''Butt-head''':  Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': This is so cool! Yes, yes!
:'''Butt-head''':  You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, I don't know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!

====&quot;Violent and Funky&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, [[w:Chess|chest]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Mike Muir]]''': …but a [[w:.357 Magnum|.357]] gonna blow your damn head off!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [''Clown-like voice''] &quot;Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then I'd say, &quot;Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would be cool.

===[[w:INXS|INXS]]===
====&quot;[[w:Devil Inside (INXS song)|Devil Inside]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, Satanic music?
:'''Beavis''': No way, dude, it's not cool enough.  [''imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in'']
:'''Butt-head''': If you play this backwards, it says, &quot;This sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like that [[w:Michael &quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile dude]].  The [[w:Outback|Outback]].
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;outback.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out.  [''bad Australian accent''] &quot;[[w:Dingoes ate my baby|A dingo took your baby]]!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;dingo&quot;!  What if a dingo bit off your dingo?  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': No it wouldn't!  That would suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's rock.  [''changes channel'']

====&quot;[[w:Not Enough Time|Not Enough Time]]&quot;====
:[''video is set underwater'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis!  Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.  I do it all the time!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is wuss music!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Iron Maiden|Iron Maiden]], &quot;[[w:From Here to Eternity (Iron Maiden song)|From Here to Eternity]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, ''this'' looks like it might be good.  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.  Yeah! [''a missile strikes a road sign''] OOOOHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Ye-eeaah!  Now we're getting somewhere!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions.  Yeah!  And chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they'd be, like, &quot;We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude.  That's what got us here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Iron Maiden''': Hell is from here to eternity.
:'''Butt-head''': Hell is from here to eternity?
:'''Beavis''': Um, wait a minute.  That can't be true, Butt-head.  'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, ''everywhere.''  So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, &quot;GO TO HELL!  GO TO HELL!&quot;, you're just, like, really saying, &quot;Stay right there!&quot;  You know.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  No problem.  I'll stay right here.  See?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I mean, just shut up!  It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': It's just, like, stupid.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.

===[[w:Chris Isaak|Chris Isaak]], &quot;Somebody's Crying&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...what is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't really care.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  They need to get up and get a job!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean, like, all the girls are ''sluts?''
:'''Butt-head''': Yep.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, now that is cool!  Yeah, yeah!  Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like [[w:Kato Kaelin|Kato Kaelin]].
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J. Simpson]].  He goes, &quot;You know, you're a great guy.  Why don't you come on over and stay a while?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  What a great guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, he does, sort of.  But that's okay.  'Cause he's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

===[[w:Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds|Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds]], &quot;Shuffle It All&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  What Izzy?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Who Izzy?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Izzy quit [[w:Guns N' Roses|Guns N' Roses]] 'cause [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He kicked Axl's ass!  He kicked him!  Kicked him!  And he hit him!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!  You're gonna hose your shorts.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a train is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Look at that car.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's all, like, long.
:'''Butt-head''': Mass transit is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I like ass transit, too.

==J==
===[[Janet Jackson]], &quot;[[w:You Want This|You Want This]]&quot;===
:'''Janet Jackson''': Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
:'''Beavis''': Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That's a pretty nice hotel.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
:'''Beavis''': How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. A whole hour?
:'''Butt-head''': A whole whore.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, a whole whore.
:'''Butt-head''': You can get on the phone and be like &quot;Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I was just saying, &quot;And a side order of POOP!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
:'''Beavis''': Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [''muttering to himself''] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Excuse me, are those [[w:Bugle Boy|Bunghole Boys]] you're wearing?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Bunghole Boys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Janet Jackson''': Could you handle this?
:'''Butt-head''': Could you handle this, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis is humping the couch'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doin' my monkey boy.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, get down!
:'''Beavis''': I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…

===[[w:The Jacksons|The Jacksons]], &quot;[[w:Torture (The Jacksons song)|Torture]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Jackie Jackson|Jackie Jackson]] standing in the doorway of a temple'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Where's [[w:Tito Jackson|Tito]]?
:'''Beavis''': This is that [[w:Jermaine Jackson|Jermaine]] dude.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in'']
:'''Butt-head''': They're in a rubber!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  That would've been cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Guess where ''his'' hand's been!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson'']
:'''Butt-head''': TITOOO!
:'''Beavis''': Tito's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tito rules!  He used to be in [[w:Village People|The Village People]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is torture!  Change it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]], &quot;The Lumberjack&quot;===
::''See also: Jackyl, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Mental *@%#!&quot; by Jackyl|&quot;Mental Masturbation&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.''

:'''Butt-head''': [[w:chainsaw|Chainsaws]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I like when they saw stuff.

===[[w:James (band)|James]], &quot;Say Something&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!  Ohhh yeah.  It's from that album, ''The Classics of Suck''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is in gorilla costumes'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know what animal would listen to this crap?  Is a cow.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, [[w:Warrant (American band)|Warrant]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is James.
:'''Beavis''': James who?
:'''Butt-head''': His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His parents said, &quot;Son, we know you suck, and that's okay.  But could you just, like, not use our name?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And then they hugged him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.  What a wuss!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Rick James|Rick James]], &quot;[[w:Super Freak|Super Freak]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:U Can't Touch This|hammer time]]!  U can't touch this!
:'''Beavis''': U can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': Touch ''this!'' [''flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I can't touch this!
:'''Butt-head''': I can't ''watch'' this.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Jane's Addiction|Jane's Addiction]], &quot;[[w:Mountain Song (Jane's Addiction song)|Mountain Song]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hammers|Hammers]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just ''break'' stuff. Break it!

===[[w:Jawbox|Jawbox]], &quot;Savory&quot;===
:[''three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay! [''smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: &quot;RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [''laughing''] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find ''that'' present!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the girl in the video is given an axe'']
:'''Butt-head''': These are cool presents!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: &quot;Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!&quot; 
:[''the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.

===[[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary Chain]], &quot;Come On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've seen this video before.  A chick squats later.  You know...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?  Can you see some cheek?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
:'''Beavis''': Quit cursing, Butt-head.  Come on.
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not!  That's the name of the band, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Why would anybody name their band that?!  It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  DUN DUN DUNNN!  But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Get it on, bang your schlong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then there's that other part: &quot;get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Schlong.

===[[w:The Jesus Lizard|The Jesus Lizard]], &quot;Glamorous&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
:'''Butt-head''': Buttmunch.
:'''Beavis''': LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Jesus Lizard.
:'''Beavis''': Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD!  Yeah.  I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah.  I oughta be one of those guys.  I bet - I bet I could do that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you would suck!  The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Butthole.
:'''Butt-head''': ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
:'''Beavis''': Uh...oh, really?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has &quot;Jesus&quot; in their name.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, [[w:The Jesus and Mary Chain|The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph]], like, [[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|900-Foot Jesus]], you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And most of 'em suck!

===[[w:Joan Jett|Joan Jett &amp; the Blackhearts]], &quot;[[w:Do You Wanna Touch Me|Do You Wanna Touch Me]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has a good attitude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe we should touch ''them.''
:'''Butt-head''': It's a ''dude,'' Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I forgot.  He does has big boobs, though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat'']
:'''Beavis''': Those are some dudes holding their rods.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
:'''Beavis''': Why would you need a dress??  You some kind of [[w:Transvestism|transformer]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!  Not a dress.  An ''ad''dress!
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You're stupid, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Billy Joel]], &quot;[[w:Uptown Girl|Uptown Girl]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh man! What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
:'''Butt-head''': Where's he going with that magazine?
:'''Beavis''': He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''Singing off-key''] [[w:Piano Man (song)|SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!]]

===[[w:Elton John|Elton John]] with [[w:RuPaul|RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]&quot;===
:[''the channel was changed from the video &quot;Demon Juice&quot; by [[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, now what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, this isn't much better.  What the hell is this?
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't feel like watching this either right now.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ''ever.''
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Let's never watch this again.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:JoJo (singer)|JoJo]], &quot;Worst (I Assume)&quot;===
:''[as two people in a car jolt upright]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like,  brought you back with that... [[w: defibrillator|infibulator]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That thing hurt. 
:'''Beavis''': They said you were dead for a while, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said &quot;I love you,  Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back.&quot; And then I woke up. 
:'''Beavis''': And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it. 
:'''Beavis''': In a just world, they would have killed you. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's not fair.

===[[w:Jon Spencer Blues Explosion|Jon Spencer Blues Explosion]], &quot;Dang&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right! A video! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like music videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Wow!
:'''Beavis''': That was cool!
:'''Butt'head''': That's unbelievable!
:'''Beavis''': Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, got any more [[w:Nutmeg#Psychoactivity_and_toxicity|nutmeg]]?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't think so.
:'''Beavis''': That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.

===[[w:Grace Jones|Grace Jones]], &quot;[[w:Demolition Man (song)|Demolition Man]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute.  This isn't cool.  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this [[w:Manute Bol|Manute Bol]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's too bad he can't sing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Maybe this ''isn't'' Manute Bol.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Manute Bol sings better than this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This man has lipstick on!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This is scary.  Can I sleep at your house tonight?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, never mind.

===[[w:Jordy|Jordy]], &quot;Dur dur d'être bébé&quot;===
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this kid a foreigner?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': I said, &quot;First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump.&quot; It was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.

===[[w:Jeremy Jordan (singer, born 1973)|Jeremy Jordan]], &quot;[[w:The Right Kind of Love|The Right Kind of Love]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
:'''Butt-head''': No way!  Check out this wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jeremy Jordan''': Woo!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Jeremy Jordan''] Woo!  IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]] sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Change it.  Change it, Butt-head!  Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS!  CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[Journey (band)|Journey]], &quot;[[w:Separate Ways|Separate Ways]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Is this [[w:The Partridge Family|The Partridge Family]]?
:'''Beavis''': Um…yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is [[w:Barry Manilow|Barry Manilow]].
:'''Beavis''': This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! And it sucks too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, [[w:Steve Perry (musician)|this guy]] sucks! And then [[w:Neal Schon|''this'' guy!]] Just look at him!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!

===[[Judas Priest]], &quot;[[w:Painkiller (song)|Painkiller]]&quot;===
:'''Rob Halford''': ''FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!''
:'''Beavis''': [''does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey! [[w:Judas Priest#Subliminal message trial|I feel like killing myself!]] I feel like killing you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.

==K==
===[[w:King Diamond (band)|King Diamond]], &quot;The Family Ghost&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah it is.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from [[Sesame Street]]…[[w:Count von Count|The Count]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like [''imitating The Count''] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
:'''Beavis''': [''also imitating The Count''] Ahahahahahahaha!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like &quot;Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.

===[[w:King Missile|King Missile]]===
====&quot;[[w:Detachable Penis|Detachable Penis]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;[[w:penis|penis]].&quot; [''the duo [[laugh]] continuously for the remainder of the video'']

====&quot;[[w:Martin Scorsese (song)|Martin Scorsese]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:John S. Hall|John S. Hall]]''': This one's called &quot;[[Martin Scorsese]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh, &quot;Martin Scores Easy&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, this is [[#&quot;Detachable Penis&quot;|that dude who lost his penis]]!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He did that song about how he had a &quot;touchable penis&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

===[[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]], &quot;[[w:I Love It Loud|I Love It Loud]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents'']
:'''Butt-head''': Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe he's in trouble.
:[''the boy walks over to a TV'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's got a comb in his back pocket.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''KISS is shown on the TV screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': KISS rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
:'''Butt-head''': I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything.  I usually kick 'em in the nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff.  They say stuff like, &quot;AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHH!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': KISS is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  When's [[w:Gene Simmons|he]] gonna spit some blood?
:'''Butt-head''': I like when he sticks his long tongue out.  [''Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out''] Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the boy's mother is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.

===[[w:Kix (band)|Kix]], &quot;Cool Kids&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Holy crap!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Oh my God!
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, a joke?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
:'''Butt-head''': Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
:'''Butt-head''': No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That cop should hit him.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Kix''': COOL! KIDS!
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[w:Krokus (band)|Krokus]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': No, he's saying &quot;cool kids&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': These are supposed to be cool kids?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

===[[KMFDM]], &quot;[[w:A Drug Against War|A Drug Against War]]&quot;===
:'''Voiceover''': Kill everything, kill everything…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
:'''Butt-head''': What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I just care about my ass. [''In Cornholio accent''] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
:'''Butt-head''': Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, what?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

===[[w:Chris Knox|Chris Knox]], &quot;Half Man Half Mole&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Cool, a cartoon.
:'''Butt-head''': Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
:'''Beavis''': So? Clay can be cartoons.
:'''Butt-head''': No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
:'''Beavis''': So? Drawings are things.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, [[w:Davey and Goliath|Davey and Goliath]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
:'''Beavis''': You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
:'''Butt-head''': I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [''imitating Goliath''] &quot;Uhh, Davey, you should try this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then Davey said &quot;Maybe I should pet you first.&quot; And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
:'''Butt-head''': I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

===[[w:Korn|Korn]], &quot;[[w:Blind (song)|Blind]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, maybe.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Want me to strike you?
:'''Beavis''': No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [''Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.''] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. 
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': One can't help but be reminded of such bands as [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]], [[w:White Zombie|White Zombie]], [[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': One is even reminded of [[w:Laurie Anderson|Laurie Anderson]] when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[''Butt-head hits him several times'']…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
:'''Butt-head''': You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? Wow.
:'''Butt-head''': But then you did say spinxter.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.

===[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]], &quot;Is There Any Love in Your Heart&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! [''Slaps Beavis'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. We should call him up and say &quot;Hey man, know where any parties are at?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, baby.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh. [''Beavis and Butt-head dance''] Lenny rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Lemmy|Lemmy]] does rule. Um, what does [[w:Motörhead|Motörhead]] have to do with what's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy. 
:'''Beavis''': I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You monkeyspank. [''Smacks Beavis again'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, check out that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
:'''Butt-head''': She must be like, the spare. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Right, Beavis.

===[[w:Kris Kross|Kris Kross]], &quot;[[w:Warm It Up|Warm It Up]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Warm it up, Kris!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Warm it up, Kris!  Warmer!  With fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How do those guys [[w:urinate|pee]] with their [[w:trousers|pants]] on backwards?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
:'''Butt-head''': Kross is the Mac Daddy.  And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  But they could both kick [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  What were ''we'' born to do?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...

===[[w:Krokus|Krokus]], &quot;[[w:School's Out (song)|School's Out]]&quot;===
:[''The video opens in a high school classroom.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it.  I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Really.
:'''Butt-head:''' If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Whoa.  That locker's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.'']
:'''Butt-head:''' Wait a minute.  What's this?  This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
:'''Butt-head:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Heavy metal has come a long way.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Really.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Three high school girls appear on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.  Chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Really.
:[''The band is playing on stage.'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is disgusting, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's sickening.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Lead singer [[w:Marc Storace|Marc Storace]] appears on screen.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': Look at his hair.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Look at his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  His whole head sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  His chest is no picnic, either.
:'''Beavis''': He looks like [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Arnold_Dingfelder_Horshack|Horshack]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  With [[w:Welcome_Back,_Kotter#Juan_Luis_Pedro_Felipo_de_Huevos_Epstein|Epstein's]] hair.

==L==
===[[w:L7 (band)|L7]], &quot;[[w:Pretend We're Dead|Pretend We're Dead]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, it's The Go-Go's.
:'''Butt-head''': There are like, grudge chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Grubby chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
:'''Butt-head''': I had ringworm in my nose once.  It was pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I remember.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Let's [[pretend]] we're [[dead]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool.

===[[w:LaTour|LaTour]], &quot;People Are Still Having Sex&quot;===
:[''A [[w:Mars symbol|Mars symbol]] shows up onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener? 
:'''Beavis''': Um… what wiener? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': It stands for wieners everywhere. 
:'''Beavis''': Um… yeah. Good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… people are still having sex?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
:'''Butt-head''': So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''LaTour''': Do you understand me?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I understand you, but where?! 
:'''LaTour''': Lust keeps on lurking…
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, come on! Who? Where? 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
:'''LaTour''': This AIDS thing's not working…
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, okay…
:'''LaTour''': People are still having sex!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, there he goes again!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, shut up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [''Gets up and leaves'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yea, bring me back a couple!

===[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]], &quot;No More 'I Love You's&quot;===
:[''A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [''camera scrolls up to dancer's face''] but it's a guy!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What's her problem?!
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[''sings &quot;[[w:From a Distance|From a Distance]]&quot;'']. 
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Who did that song?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…that's [[Bette Midler|Butt Midler]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] divorce Minnie?
:'''Beavis''': Um…uh…I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing [[w:Goofy|Goofy]]! [''laughs'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who's there?
:'''Beavis''': Eura. 
:'''Butt-head''': Eura who?
:'''Beavis''': You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
:'''Beavis''': Who's there?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…eura.
:'''Beavis''': Eura who?
:'''Butt-head''': You're ain…urine.

===[[w:Letters to Cleo|Letters to Cleo]], &quot;Here and Now&quot;===
:[''the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot'']
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [''the camera pans down to her legs''] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, may I have another?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, [[Family Ties]], [[Full House]], [[w:My Two Dads|My Two Dads]], [[w:Growing Pains|Growing Pains]], [[w:One Day At a Time|One Day At a Time]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': [[Melrose Place]], [[Northern Exposure]], [[What's Happening!!]], [[w:Good Times|Good Times]], [[w:The Jeffersons|Jeffersons]]… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, [[Sally Struthers|that chick]] that used to be young and had big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And she was like, [[All in the Family|married to that dude and living with her parents]], and now she does [[w:ChildFund|those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! And she was also in that [[w:International Correspondence Schools|commercial for the career institute]], where she's going like, [''high-pitched voice''] &quot;You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''both laugh'']
:'''Beavis''': I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That'd be a good job.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers nonsensically''] What? What did you say?
:'''Butt-head''': What? I didn't say anything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [''jabbers nonsensically''], didn't you say something?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [''imitates Butt-head''] &quot;Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool&quot;, or something like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

===[[Jerry Lee Lewis]], &quot;Goosebumps&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
:'''Butt-head''': No, this is that dude that was in that movie.  He married his cousin, and then they [[w:Sexual intercourse|did it]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think that movie was called ''[[w:Great Balls of Fire|Great Balls of FFFFIRE!]]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': [''sternly''] Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, sorry about that.

===[[w:Life of Agony|Life of Agony]], &quot;This Time&quot;===
:[''A man looks angrily towards the camera'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
:'''Butt-head''': You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
:'''Butt-head''': No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [''Mocks Beavis's voice''] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''snickers''] Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that [[w:Christian Slater|Christian Slater]] dude?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like &quot;Christians? Later, dude.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
:'''Beavis''': If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Keith Caputo|Keith Caputo]]''': You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
:'''Butt-head''': Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
:'''Butt-head''': He's practically crying.
:'''Beavis''': Aww! That's too bad.

===[[w:Lil Nas X|Lil Nas X]]===
====&quot;[[w:Industry Baby|Industry Baby]]&quot; feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]]====
:''[as Lil Nas X polishes some Grammy trophies in a prison cell]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. ''[a twerking male is seen]'' See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X is seen wearing a pink uniform on the phone]''
:'''Beavis''': Is he like, working at [[w:T-Mobile|T-Mobile]] now?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears]'' Uhhh...  Oh... never mind. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah... there he is...
:'''Butt-head''': Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. ''[Jack Harlow is in an [[w:electric chair|electric chair]], and electrocuted by Lil Nas X]'' Uh, oh. I guess they did.

====[[w:Montero (Call Me By Your Name)|Montero (Call Me By Your Name)]]====
:''[as the video begins in an ethereal landscape with a snake]''
:'''Lil Nas X''': ... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, [[w:Garden of Eden|that garden in the Bible]], where that chick, [[w:Eve|Eve]] or Eden, or whatever her name is [[w:Forbidden fruit|eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to]], and then it like [[w:Fall of man|puts a curse on the earth]].
:'''Beavis''': See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, [[w:Adam and Eve|God takes the rib out of]] [[w:Adam|that dude]], and makes a chick? 
:'''Beavis''': You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage. 
:'''Butt-head'''  Yeah. Neither would I. I'd just be a big blob of flesh with a bunch of chicks around me, and no bones. Except I'd still have ''one'' bone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Lil Nas X is surrounded by men in erotic clothing]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he ''definitely'' wants to. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for &quot;extremely interested in chicks?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lil Nas X begins to caress a demon]''
:'''Beavis''': Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?
:'''Butt-head''': No, it's [[w:Darth Maul|Darth Maul]]. Satan is like, part of the [[w:Marvel Universe|Marvel Universe]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a [[Satanism|Satanist]], and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and [[w:Libertarianism|Liberatarianism]] or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!
:'''Butt-head''': And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that [[September 11 attacks|7-Eleven]] was an [[w:9/11 conspiracy theories|inside job]]? They don't want you to know that. 
:'''Butt-head''': They suck.

===[[w:Live (band)|Live]], &quot;[[w:I Alone|I Alone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No he's not! Liar.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he is. He's like, &quot;I like what I see. I'll be right over.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': He said, &quot;I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said &quot;Where are your drums?&quot; and he’s like, &quot;Uhh, I thought they were in the van.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': And they’re like, &quot;You mean you didn’t bring your drums?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And they said &quot;Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.

===[[w:LMFAO|LMFAO]], &quot;[[w:Champagne Showers|Champagne Showers]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, the same dance they did in [[w:Party Rock Anthem|Party Rock Anthem]], except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I thought like, that the [[Great Recession|ecomony sucks]], and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, [[wikipedia:Berry_Gordy|their grandpa is like the same guy]], so they don't care. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them. 
:'''Beavis''': You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhhhh... I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!

===[[w:Lordz of Brooklyn|Lordz of Brooklyn]], &quot;Saturday Night Fever&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:American Woman (song)|American Woman]]!
:'''Butt-head''': They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption &quot;Scotty&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]. [''imitates Scotty''] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! [[w:Jump Around|Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!]]
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Scotty''] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
:'''Beavis''': These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be [[w:House of Pain|House of Pain]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And the [[w:Beastie Boys|Beastie Boys]], and uh, [[Goodfellas]]…
:'''Beavis''': And [[Reservoir Dogs|Resavore Dogs]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Who are these guys, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
:'''Beavis''': I thought there was only one [[w:Jesus Christ|Lord]]. That's what they said in Sunday school.
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

===[[w:G. Love &amp; Special Sauce|G. Love &amp; Special Sauce]], &quot;Cold Beverage&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen this video before. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, [[w:Extra-sensory perception|ESP]]…[[w:ESPN|N]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
:'''Butt-head''': You're gonna say &quot;Yeah, huh huh huh huh&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool! 
:'''Butt-head''': I knew you were gonna say that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': Cut it out, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Don't ever think about that again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Okay.
:'''Beavis''': Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Is it a suitcase of some kind?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
:'''Butt-head''': No, but that's not a bad idea. [''slaps Beavis several times'']

==M==
===[[w:MARRS|MARRS]], &quot;[[w:Pump Up the Volume (song)|Pump Up the Volume]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Check ''this'' out!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this PBS?
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uhh...I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the planet Saturn is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Uranus?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uranus is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
:'''Butt-head''': What?

===[[w:M.I.R.V.|M.I.R.V.]], &quot;Shave My Face Off&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
:'''Beavis''': I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
:'''Butt-head''': You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
:'''Beavis''': This is gonna suck.

===[[Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]]===
====&quot;[[w:Fever (Madonna song)|Fever]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick was married to [[Sean Penn|that dude]] who would punch you if you took his picture.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That, uh, [[Woody Allen]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with [[w:Soon-Yi Previn|his daughter]]. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...not if his name was Woody. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  What if his name was Stiffy?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well...maybe.  Stiffy Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Stiffy Allen!  Woodrow Allen!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Ahhh!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at her thingies!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  I like when they push together really close.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, dude.  She's filthy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Secret (Madonna song)|Secret]]&quot;====
:[''a faster version of the video is playing'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this sounds different.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, it was slower before.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And she was ''walking'' slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, me too.  I'd like to have sex with her.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah.  Yeah.  That would kick ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna looks pretty normal here.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries.  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.  But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, no - no, I'd ''do'' her.  No - yeah.  I mean, I'd ''do'' her, yeah.  I'm not saying that.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair.  It's not white.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  So am I!  You know, during her videos?  Yeah. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna.  When ''you'' spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um, that's ''little'' Beavis.  Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

===[[Marilyn Manson]]===
====&quot;[[w:Get Your Gunn|Get Your Gunn]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
:'''Butt-head''': Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The housewife I will beat…
:'''Beavis''': The asswipe I will beat? 
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
:'''Beavis''': Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…who cares?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! I think he's saying &quot;Get your gun.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think this is one of those &quot;Stop the violence&quot; things…you know, like enough is enough.
:'''Beavis''': You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, [[w:Give Peace a Chance|gave peace a chance]], and like…''[Butt-head smacks Beavis''] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[''Butt-head slaps Beavis again'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

====&quot;[[w:Long Hard Road Out of Hell|Long Hard Road Out of Hell]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…boy, [[Cher]] has sure gone downhill.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called [[w:menopause|mentopause]], and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think there's some [[w:urine|wee-wee]] there too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's [[Charles Manson]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
:'''Butt-head''': You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this [[w:Manson family|Manson dude's family]], and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Really? I'll be damned. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
:'''Beavis''': You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
:'''Butt-head''': These people are messed up.
:'''Beavis''': I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to make love to her. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Me too.
:'''Beavis''': I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [''Beavis screams''] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis! 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
:'''Butt-head''': No I didn't, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yes you did! You said &quot;Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [''singing''] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's [[w:Matt Pinfield|Matt Pinfield]]!
:'''Butt-head''': You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': [''Laughs''] Beavis is a lesbian.

===[[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], &quot;[[w:Take This Heart|Take This Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's touching his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch ''my'' wiener.
:'''Butt-head''': If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [''scratching his wiener, chuckling'']

===[[w:Ava Max|Ava Max]], &quot;[[w:Torn (Ava Max song)|Torn]]&quot;===
:''[the video continuously showcases a [[w:Fiat|Fiat]] car]''
:'''Beavis''': How come they keep showing this car?
:'''Butt-head''': Well Beavis, that's because it's the [[w:Fiat 500X|Fiat 500X]], the best mid-sized sedan on the market today. 
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know? 
:'''Butt-head''': That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead. 
:'''Beavis''': Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock. 
:'''Beavis''': Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable. 
:'''Beavis''': It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something. 
:'''Butt-head''': Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me. 
:'''Beavis''': What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!
:'''Butt-head''': No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which ''[[w:Car and Driver|Car and Driver]]'' recently called &quot;the ultimate thrill ride.&quot; Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis? 
:'''Beavis''': But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there. 
:'''Beavis''': Why would Fiat give you a free car?
:'''Butt-head''': Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. ''[Beavis leaves to go look]''
:'''Beavis''': I don't see anything, Butt-head. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, are you sure?
:'''Beavis''': Yup. No cars out here at all. 
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon. 
:'''Beavis''': You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:MC 900 Ft. Jesus|MC 900 Ft. Jesus]], &quot;If I Only Had a Brain&quot;===
:[''Beavis hums along with the bassline'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, &quot;Take me to somewhere cool&quot;. Beavis, shut up.
:'''Beavis''': [''still humming along''] Higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Still be here with you…
:'''Butt-head''': I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': OOOWW!! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you hear me? [''smacks Beavis again''] Shut up!
:'''Beavis''': AH! OW! [''resumes humming along'']
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Higher, higher!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [''fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.'']

===[[w:Reba McEntire|Reba McEntire]], &quot;[[w:Take It Back (Reba McEntire song)|Take It Back]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  I'd like to make a motion.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!  [''moons the TV screen'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': WHOA!  &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot; reruns!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; reruns!  This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': This is the one where they sing in court.
:'''Beavis''': No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
:'''Butt-head''': That's the same show, dumbass.  There only ''was'' one show!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone'']
:'''Butt-head''': No sax in court!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The [[w:Prosecutor|prostitution]] rests!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Change it!  Change it, quick!

===[[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]], &quot;[[w:Don't Worry, Be Happy|Don't Worry, Be Happy]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  I think I'm gonna try that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  So am I.  [''slaps Beavis across the face'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm not worried.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Does ''this'' worry you?  [''smacks Beavis'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAH!  Cut it out, Butt-head!  I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call me that, Butt-head!  [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': UUH!  I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
:[''the two start continuously hitting each other'']
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!  CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': CUT IT OUT!
:'''Butt-head''': BUTTKNOCKER!
:'''Beavis''': AAAHH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, the fight's over, I won.
:'''Beavis''': No you didn't, Butt-head, ''I'' won.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[Mrs. Doubtfire|Mrs. Doubt''FIRE!'']]
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um...I don't think [[Robin Williams|that guy]]'s very funny.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...okay.

===[[Megadeth]], &quot;[[w:Sweating Bullets|Sweating Bullets]]&quot;===
::''See also: Megadeth, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot; by Megadeth|&quot;99 Ways To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.''

:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  [''sounding like Dave Mustaine''] He doesn't talk like me.
:'''Butt-head''': He sorta talks like you.  He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that dude doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': That's [[w:Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustaine]].  
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Was this guy raised by wolves?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Wolves are cool.  If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too.  And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===The Meices, &quot;Daddy's Gone to California&quot;===
:[''video opens with [[w:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] driving a convertible'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar.  Um...whoa, that's that guy!  Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house?  That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I recognize him, that's him!  That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember?  It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
:'''Butt-head''': You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
:'''Beavis''': Well, you were probably looking at his wiener.  Dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I wasn't.  I was looking, like, ''around'' his wiener.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  How come that guy gets to be in naked movies?  He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Well...you're ''almost'' there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Um, how do I get big and fat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I don't know.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
:'''Beavis''': Um...yeah, yeah.  Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it sucks!

===[[w:John Cougar Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]], &quot;Pop Singer&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.

===[[w:Melvins|Melvins]], &quot;Hooch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool]]!
:'''Beavis''': This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Buzz Osborne|Buzz Osborne]]''': Los ticka toe rest…
:'''Butt-head''': What? I can't understand what he's saying.
:'''Beavis''': What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': …sender bright like a penelty…
:'''Beavis''': Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, like, right here, he says, uh…
:'''Buzz Osborne''': Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
:'''Beavis''': Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
:'''Butt-head''': These words rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
:'''Butt-head''': If you had a boner, they would.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are submerged in water'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[Water]] is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [''sings along''] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!

===[[w:Men Without Hats|Men Without Hats]], &quot;[[w:The Safety Dance|The Safety Dance]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Beavis''': I think it's that bee from that [[w:Blind Melon|Blind Melon]] [[w:No Rain|video]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool, if [[Robin Hood]] came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock on, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Men Without Hats''': We can dance, we can dance…
:'''Butt-head''': This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need to go to a [[Pantera]] concert to learn how to dance.
:'''Butt-head''': They'd get their butts slammed around.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.

===[[w:Mercyful Fate|Mercyful Fate]], &quot;The Bellwitch&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean the [[w:Hamburglar|Hamburglar]], dude.
:'''Beavis''': No, he's a Turdburgler!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, &quot;Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass.&quot; But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, &quot;You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this is horrible.
:'''Beavis''': Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Not if I spun it around really fast.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [''high-pitched groaning'']. Like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.

===[[Metallica]]===
====&quot;[[w:For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica song)|For Whom the Bell Tolls]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yes!  Yes, yes!  ROCK!  ROCK!
:'''Butt-head''': Sit your ass down, [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]].  Play the drums like you're supposed to.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [''Lars Ulrich points at the crowd''] See?  He's said, &quot;There's Beavis&quot;, see? And there I am, right there!  See?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Your mom's a slut!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, Metallica sucks.  And you've never made out with a chick, either.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Shut up! [''the two can be seen hitting each other'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That [[w:James Hetfield|James Hetfield]] dude looks like the [[w:Cowardly Lion|Cowardly Lion]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
:'''Butt-head''': The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES! YES! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Not really, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': I know. It sucks.
:'''Beavis''': If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Go on with your bad self, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose'']
:'''Butt-head''': See, look inside this dude's nose.
:'''Beavis''': I know. It's cool. Dumbass
:'''Butt-head''': Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. I think it's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like [[w:GWAR|GWAR]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!

====&quot;[[w:One (Metallica song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': What's this?
:'''Butt-head''': You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on the rather clean and slow intro'']
:'''Beavis''': This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': It starts going, &quot;Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Lars Ulrich|Lars]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Isn't he that dude on that [[w:The Addams Family|Addams Family]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're thinking of [[w:Lurch (The Addams Family)|Lurch]], dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He could kick [[w:Cousin Itt|Cousin Itt]]'s butt too.
:'''Butt-head''': Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''jabbers like Cousin Itt'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitating Lurch''] Uhhh, you rang, [[w:Morticia Addams|Mrs. Addams]], uhhh?
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the music starts becoming more metallic'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Metallica rules!
:'''Butt-head''': They rule.
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. Sorry, man.

===[[w:MGMT|MGMT]]===
====&quot;[[w:It's Working|It's Working]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at [[w:IKEA|IKEA]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, &quot;sleep&quot; and &quot;get it on.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… &quot;just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… [[w:Foster care|the Fosters.]] Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The drummer appears wearing a [[w:sombrero|sombrero]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
:'''Beavis''': Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… really?
:'''Beavis''': Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intoler-ble or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!

====&quot;[[w:Kids (MGMT song)|Kids]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, is this ''[[w:16 and Pregnant|16 and Pregnant]]''?
:'''Beavis''': No no no no.  I've seen all of those.  Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, ''[[w:Teen Mom|Teen Mom]]'' season 3!  I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
:'''Butt-head''': She's a lousy mom.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this Florida?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh… [''monsters and zombie-looking people around''] Yup, that's Florida.  Florida sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah that's messed up.  What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! They're like, &quot;Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, you're one now!  It's time you start pulling your weight around here!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with [[AC/DC]] on it, then he would kick ass.

===[[w:The Mighty Mighty Bosstones|The Mighty Mighty Bosstones]], &quot;[[w:Detroit Rock City|Detroit Rock City]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Okay, here we go, another video.  Line 'em up.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:[''a car peels out'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, peel out!  Burn rubber, yeah!  Tear aaassssss!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two young men with long hair go inside a house'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, fight!  Fight!  Fight!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, hit him!
:[''a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep'']
:'''Beavis''': Kick the pumpkin!  Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  Hippies never break stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what about that [[w:Gallagher (comedian)|Gallagher]] dude?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men start vandalizing vehicles'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Throwing eggs, very nice.  M hm.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house.  It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  I wish someone would toilet paper ''my'' house.  I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've been using this washcloth.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

===[[w:Milla Jovovich|Milla]], &quot;Gentlemen Who Fell&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The [[w:Return to the Blue Lagoon|second one]] of that [[The Blue Lagoon|first one]] where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears'']
:'''Beavis''': OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! 
:'''Butt-head''': I sure did. And it was cool.
:'''Beavis''': I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah! You could see everything!
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
:'''Butt-head''': I like this song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, it's [[w:Death (personification)|Death]]!
:'''Beavis''': If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
:'''Butt-head''': Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
:'''Butt-head''': [''shudders''] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That spider's gonna do her.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she's naked again!
:'''Beavis''': Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': Her what?
:'''Beavis''': Her rump!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean her butt, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
:'''Butt-head''': It's called a butt, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying &quot;butt&quot; sometimes.  I thought I'd throw rump in.

===[[w:Nicki Minaj|Nicki Minaj]], &quot;[[w:Barbie Tingz|Barbie Tingz]]&quot;===
:''[as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a ''whole lotta'' lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, &quot;Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong,&quot; and I'd be lying, but then my schlong ''would'' get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even ''need'' the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um,  I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.
:'''Butt-head''': That was quite a ride, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all. 
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my ''seventh'' leg?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, &quot;Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that ''always'' grows up? Know what I'm saying?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says &quot;bitch&quot; I get to smack you. 
:'''Beavis''': No way! Why would I do that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says &quot;butt,&quot; you can smack me. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.
:'''Butt-head''': Now let the games begin.
:'''Nicki Minaj''': ...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... ''[Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis]'' Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': ''[getting smacked]'' Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...
:'''Beavis''': Wait, I think she- ahh! ''[gets smacked more]'' Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!
:'''Nicki Minaj''': When we say &quot;Gun the bitch,&quot; dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!
:'''Beavis''': Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh! 
:'''Nicki Minaj''': Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...
:'''Butt-head''': I win. ''[smacks Beavis a few more times]''
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I did not think she would say &quot;bitch&quot; so much when I agreed- ''[Butt-head smacks him]'' Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- ''[gets smacked again]'' Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

===[[w:Ministry (band)|Ministry]], &quot;[[w:Just One Fix|Just One Fix]]&quot;===
:[''A tornado is shown on screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Now we're getting somewhere!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
:'''Butt-head''': Even [[William S. Burroughs|the old dude]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I like the tornado.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Almost everything in this video is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
:[''A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink'']
:'''Butt-head''': So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AARGHH! That was disgusting!
:'''Butt-head''': You asked for it, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.

===[[Kylie Minogue]], &quot;[[w:The Loco-Motion|The Loco-Motion]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]!
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah.  They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play [[w:Ken (Barbie)|Ken]].
:'''Butt-head''': Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick has more teeth than most people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bite me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She looks like that chick in the mall.
:'''Beavis''': Chicken what?
:'''Butt-head''': That chick in the mall!
:'''Beavis''': That chicken?  What do you mean?
:'''Butt-head''': No, asswipe!  I'm talking about that chick!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, you mean that chick that works at [[w:Chick-fil-A|Chick-fil-A]]?  That chicken place?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  I'm not talking about chicken!  Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
:'''Beavis''':  Shut up, Butt-head!  You did talk about chicken!  You said that chicken mall!
:'''Butt-head''': I said that ''chick in the mall''!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is upbeat. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It makes me want to get up and beat it.
:'''Butt-head''':  You said &quot;up.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This makes me feel good.
:'''Beavis''': This ''video''?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  This! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Missing Persons (band)|Missing Persons]], &quot;Words&quot;===
:'''[[w:Dale Bozzio|Dale Bozzio]]''': Do you hear me?
:'''Beavis''': [''Mocking''] Do you hear me? 
:'''Dale Bozzio''':  Do you care?
:'''Butt-head''': Do I care? No!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!

===[[w:Moist (band)|Moist]], &quot;Push&quot;===
:[''The lead singer is tapping the side of his head'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's thinking.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
:'''Lead Singer''': (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy pronounces words weird.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. [''mocking the singer''] A little bit more than you could ever say. [''normal voice''] Heh, heh, heh. [''mocking the singer again''] Fade away, fade away. [''normal voice''] What kind of an accent is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''during the guitar solo'']
:'''Beavis''': What's that dude's problem?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going &quot;Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, what's he doing?
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, stop trying to be funny.

===[[w:Monster Magnet|Monster Magnet]], &quot;Negasonic Teenage Warhead&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay. Poop!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Uranus|Uranus]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin''] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out! A flying [[w:Pop-Tarts|Poop-tart]]! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, stop the car dude!
:'''Beavis''': I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
:'''Beavis''': Okay. I'll just talk about [[w:urine|wee-wee]]. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

===[[w:Morbid Angel|Morbid Angel]], &quot;God of Emptiness&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal [[w:music videos|videos]] with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer roars'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa. Was that a bear?
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. [''Beavis imitates the singer''] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, beavis, it's that dude from [[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy of Mayberry]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean [[w:Barney Fife|Barney]]? [''imitates [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]''] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to [[w:Mount Pilot|Mount Pilot]] and worship Satan.
:'''Butt-head''': That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. [[w:Goober Pyle|Goober]] spelled backwards is &quot;booger&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is where it starts to get really stupid. [''imitates the singer''] Bow to me, faithfully…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me…uh…
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me faithfully…
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': [''in unison''] Bow to me faithfully.
:'''Butt-head''': Bow to me splendidly…
:'''Beavis''': Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

===[[w:Morphine (band)|Morphine]], &quot;Honey White&quot;===
:[''a beehive is shown onscreen'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out! It's [[Jon Stewart]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's horny.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [''imitates bees humming''] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Mark Sandman|Mark Sandman]]''': I like to see a little more fat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in the video is spinning around'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cool. Look what she's doing.
:'''Beavis''': I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
:'''Beavis''': No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

===[[Morrissey]], &quot;[[w:November Spawned a Monster|November Spawned a Monster]]&quot;===
:[''Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head'']
:'''Butt-head''': Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
:'''Beavis''': You're lucky I didn't ''barf'' on you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to hump a rock.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
:'''Beavis''': OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
:'''Beavis''': OW! OW! Stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!
:'''Butt-head''': Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
:'''Butt-head''': You tell him, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

===[[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]]===
====&quot;[[w:Dr. Feelgood (song)|Dr. Feelgood]]&quot;====
:[''video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey!  Somebody pitched a tent.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now this is feel-good music.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video tells a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The message is: [[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]] is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That guy from [[w:Danzig (band)|Danzig]] could kick his ass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What does &quot;Dr. Feelgood&quot; mean?
:'''Butt-head''': That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video has fire, and cars...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And tattoos, and leather.
:'''Butt-head''': Now all it needs is some chicks.  Then it would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't as cool as ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Hooligan's Holiday|Hooligan's Holiday]]&quot;====
:[''a mouth is shown behind an open zipper'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I think it's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  I don't think that's ''her,'' Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, your mom's a road slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe.  She like, hangs out with bands like [[w:Foghat|Foghat]] and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': She's a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  My mom's a slut!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!  That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Corabi''': Hooligan's holiday...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bennigan|Bennigan's]] holiday?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I thought they were open all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.  I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.

===[[w:The Murmurs|The Murmurs]], &quot;You Suck&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um, um...hmm.  Is this a diaper commercial?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no, this is a [[w:Douche|douche]] commercial.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Ahh, that's funny, douche.  [''cackles''] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't know.  I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that would rule!  'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': And I'm not talking about washing your ''whole'' butt -- I'm talking about washing your butt''hole''. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Murmurs''': And for that, you suck...
:'''Beavis''': Um...they just said you suck. 
:'''Butt-head''': No they didn't, they said ''you'' sucked.  They ripped off my idea for a song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And you, like, already ripped off the idea for ''me'', bunghole.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, that I shouldn't?
:'''Butt-head''': That's right.  Now sit there and shut up.  Nutsack. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's just a koala bear.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...well alright, then.

===[[w:Mutha's Day Out|Mutha's Day Out]], &quot;Locked&quot;===
:''[the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. What is all this stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, somebody's talking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, there's some guy going...''[mutters incoherent gibberish]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
:'''Butt-head''': Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are like a cross between like, [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on [[w:Hee Haw|Hee Haw]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. ''[sings]'' You met another and...''[farts]'' ...you was gone.''
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty good, Butt-head.

===[[w:My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult|My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult]], &quot;Blue Buddha&quot;===
:[''a man's cheeks are shown flapping'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Did you see that guy's cheeks?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That was cool.  I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too.  I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
:'''Beavis''': No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': They should put ''that'' in every video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' all that stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': All ''what'' stuff?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff?  It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they ''always'' have on.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, is that what that is?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this song is called &quot;Blue Buddha.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pull up your pants, cut it out!

==N==
===[[w:Napalm Death|Napalm Death]], &quot;[[w:Plague Rages|Plague Rages]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, something's wrong.  It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It looks like it might come out of his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]], or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of ''Godzilla's'' butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If it ''did'' come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a decomposed horse is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that time we found that dead horse?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That was sad.  Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead?  Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Me'shell Ndegéocello|Me'shell Ndegéocello]], &quot;If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)&quot;===
:'''Girl in video''': I feel like such an ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I feel like an ass, too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please. 
:'''Beavis''': Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass, too?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a different girl in the music video screams'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
:'''Butt-head''': You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
:'''Beavis''': They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. So like, this chick will only do you if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…[[w:Frustration|struss-frating]]. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up, and like…[[w:Free Your Mind|free your mind]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.

===[[w:Ned's Atomic Dustbin|Ned's Atomic Dustbin]], &quot;All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': ''Maps''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you were like, &quot;Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He believed me!
:'''Beavis''': He was like goin': &quot;Uh huh, okay, uh hmm&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Um, is it normal to get wood?
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! &quot;SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [''in a very high pitched voice''] &quot;''Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [''in a deeper voice''] &quot;Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You have a high voice, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!

===[[w:Nelson (band)|Nelson]], &quot;[[w:(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection|(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These chicks look like guys.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That one's not wearing a bra.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, asswipe.  They're Elvis' kids!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I get the one on the left.  You get the ugly one.  [changes channel]

===[[w:Vince Neil|Vince Neil]], &quot;Sister of Pain&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Cool!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': What's wrong with you, Beavis?  This sucks!  Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  Vince Neil's a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Mötley Crüe|Mötley Crüe]] fired this dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They fired him.  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Lee|Tommy Lee]] should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  That would be cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs.  ''That's'' pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince Neil''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
:'''Beavis''': She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': What does that mean?  Who writes this crap?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It sucks!

===[[w:New Kids on the Block|New Kids on the Block]], &quot;[[w:Hangin' Tough (song)|Hangin' Tough]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  They could kick 'em!  And punch 'em, too!  Like [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]]!  He could come out and kick all these guys!  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''New Kids on the Block''': Just hangin' tough...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;hangin'.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nine Inch Nails|Nine Inch Nails]]===
====&quot;[[w:Head Like a Hole|Head Like a Hole]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Head]]. Huh-huh, huh-huh. These guys are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:March of the Pigs|March of the Pigs]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Those drums sound [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. [''imitates drum sound'']
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably listening to [[Pantera]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[Trent Reznor]] starts singing'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock! [''Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
:'''Butt-head''': You said [[w:douche|douche]].
:'''Beavis''': Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''during the [[w:Bridge (music)|bridge]] of the song''] This part of the song sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
:'''Butt-head''': [''bridge of song ends''] Yeah. That's more like it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
:'''Butt-head''': I think he's just drunk off his ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''Reznor presses against keyboard''] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''farts towards the quiet end of song'']
:'''Beavis''': Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
:'''Butt-head''': Good night!

====&quot;[[w:Wish (Nine Inch Nails song)|Wish]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': How come all these [[w:music videos|videos]] have [[w:cage|cages]] in them?
:'''Beavis''': Because they're [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Butt-head''': This is like a [[w:zoo|zoo]], where they keep cool people.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, [[w:Nail (fastener)|nails]] are cool.

===[[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]]===
::''See also: Nirvana, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot; by Nirvana|&quot;I Hate Myself And Want To Die&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.''
====&quot;[[w:Heart-Shaped Box|Heart-Shaped Box]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!  Nirvarna rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  This is cool!  But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  I wish I had nightmares about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary.  It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]], and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me.  AAAHHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the song's chorus plays'']
:'''Butt-head''': This part rules.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Rock!  ROCK!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  You know the bass player in this band?  He looks just like a regular guy.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  It's like, [[w:Kurt Cobain|he]] pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah?  So what?  You got a problem with that?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That room is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': I think that's [[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]'s bedroom.  I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No you're not!  You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I am too gonna fix my room up!  Butthole!

====&quot;[[w:Smells Like Teen Spirit|Smells Like Teen Spirit]]&quot;&lt;!--The video is mislabelled onscreen as &quot;Teen Spirit&quot;.--&gt;====
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': This kicks butt! [[Nirvana (band)|Nivarna]] is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video''] Beavis's dad!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, [[w:Grunge|grudge]] music?
:'''Beavis''': Grudge music is that stuff those guys from [[w:Seattle|Seattle]] play.  Where ''is'' Seattle?  Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?  It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
:'''[[w:Kurt Cobain|Kurt Cobain]]''': Hello, hello, hello, how low...
:'''Beavis''': Hello?  Hello?  Hello, may I help you?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  What ''is'' teen spirit?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, if you don't know, ''I'm'' not gonna tell you.  Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look, this video has cymbals.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is that what they mean when they say videos have [[w:Symbolism|cymbalism]]?
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You said &quot;ism&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Pep rallies suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[w:Nitzer Ebb|Nitzer Ebb]], &quot;Fun to Be Had&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
:'''Beavis''': It was here that [[George Washington]] first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': An anchor!
:'''Butt-head''': [''mocking their accents''] Like an ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': Like an ankaa!
:'''Butt-head''': An ankaa.
:'''Beavis''': It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nitzer Ebb''': What you say should be from your own mind…
:'''Butt-head''': What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [''exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [''jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish'']

===[[w:Mojo Nixon|Mojo Nixon]], &quot;Elvis is Everywhere&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going &quot;I know that's right. Hallelujah.&quot; And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, &quot;Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, you're right. [''angry''] Dammit! I got ripped off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Nixon''': [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]] is in your jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Elvis  is in our jeans?
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has ''left'' my jeans!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
:'''Beavis''': Heh heh, oh. Okay. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in [[Joan Rivers]].
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [''imitating Joan Rivers''] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh. [''imitating Elvis''] Thank you very much, thank you very much.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Go-karts rule. 
:'''Beavis''': When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [''imitates an engine''] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!

===[[w:Nudeswirl|Nudeswirl]]===
====&quot;Buffalo&quot;====
:[''video opens with a long object in the dark'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what the hell ''is'' that?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah, what the hell ''was'' that?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
:'''Butt-head''': What?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what did he say??
:'''Shane Green:''': Sit them out on the edge of the river.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said!  I - I think he said &quot;river&quot;!  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Good ear, Beavis.  So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, y - yeah.  [''buffalo horns are shown''] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
:'''Beavis''': A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh?
:'''Butt-head''': ...wolves ''eat'' buffalo!
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's what they do for a living.
:'''Beavis''': Hmm.  I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Buffalo rule!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shane Green''': Die like hell, but you know you should care...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, I...I just heard another word!  I think he said &quot;two&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh.
:'''Beavis''': He said &quot;two,&quot; Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a word.  That's a number.
:'''Beavis''': Well, so what, I heard it.  Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Or maybe two wolves.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis.  There's a ''chick'' in a river.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, see?  See, so that's why he said &quot;river.&quot;

====&quot;F-Sharp&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': That would be [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] if we had, like, [[w:garbage|garbage]] blowing around in the [[house]].

===[[Ted Nugent]], &quot;Heads Will Roll&quot;===
:[''a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ew! That was disgusting!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that dude from [[w:Damn Yankees (band)|Damn Yankees]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
:'''Butt-head''': No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
:'''Butt-head''': But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
:'''Beavis''': Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should chop other people's heads off in [[w:music videos|videos]]. That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's trying to look all scary.
:'''Beavis''': He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
:'''Beavis''': At least it was gruesome.

===[[w:Gary Numan|Gary Numan]], &quot;[[w:Cars (song)|Cars]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Is this, like, [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]?
:'''Beavis''': No way.  I mean, this guy's a puss!  But it's a different puss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is [[w:Androgyny|andropynous]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;penis.&quot;

===[[w:Audrey Nuna|Audrey Nuna]], feat. [[w:Jack Harlow|Jack Harlow]], &quot;Comic Sans&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Audrey rapping and acting nonchalantly]''
:'''Beavis''': Why's she so bored?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this. 
:'''Butt-head''': Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. ''[Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor]'' What?! Again?!
:'''Beavis''': You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's like &quot;Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo &quot;Jack Harlow sucks.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. &quot;Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then I'd be like, &quot;No, I want it on ''your'' forehead.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Then he'd be like, &quot;Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh...&quot;

==O==
===[[w:Mark O'Connor|Mark O'Connor]], &quot;The Devil Comes Back to Georgia&quot;===
:''[as the video starts energetically with fire and other flashy effects]''
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! 
:''[their excitement begins to dwindle as [[w:Charlie Daniels|Charlie Daniels]] is seen playing his fiddle]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh... uhhhh...
:'''Beavis''': Yea- uh... huh... uh...
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]''': ''[on a hill with a Bible]'' Been ten long years [[w:The Devil Went Down to Georgia|since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet]], and it burned inside his mind...
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Look at this guy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Who's he talking to?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmmm... I don't know. 
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, one of those priests?
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': &quot;The sin of pride,&quot; the devil cried, &quot;is what will do you in.&quot;
:'''[[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]]''': &quot;I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that? ''[mockingly]'' &quot;I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Johnny Cash''': ... or will you let the devil be the best?
:'''Beavis''': That dude on the hill is pretty cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Travis Tritt|Travis Tritt]]''': &quot;Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Is that supposed to be [[w:Satan|Satan]]?
:'''Beavis''': What a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': He looks like that [[w:Wolfgang Van Halen|fat dude]] in [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].
:'''Beavis''': They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I've seen scarier Satans in a [[w:Mr. Big (American band)|Mr. Big]] video. What's he doing with his hands?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]], and it would have been scarier than this!

===[[w:Sinead O'Connor|Sinead O'Connor]], &quot;[[w:Nothing Compares 2 U|Nothing Compares 2 U]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This sucks.  Change it.
:'''Butt-head''': No way.  Check out this chick.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  This sucks.  Change it.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Odds (band)|Odds]], &quot;Heterosexual Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, &quot;Hey, how's it goin', man?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then they'd kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  You mean on the TV?
:'''Butt-head''': No, buttmunch!  ''In'' the TV.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': What's your problem, Beavis?  Okay, look at the TV.  You see those guys?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That's where I saw the naked chick!
:'''Beavis''': Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Are you stupid?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Oh Land|Oh Land]], &quot;White Nights&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
:'''Beavis''': She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, see what I mean?
:'''Butt-head''': This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, &quot;ooh, yeah.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. She's like, &quot;uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, very good! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Have another drink and continue.
:'''Beavis''': And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
:'''Butt-head''': The rich guy's probably like, &quot;uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff.&quot; And he's like &quot;if you want, I can help you become a citizen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, boy.

===[[w:Oingo Boingo|Oingo Boingo]], &quot;[[w:Weird Science (song)|Weird Science]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope''] That chick is really hung.
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't funny!  Dumbass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they didn't let that dude back in [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]]?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is like, complicated.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's stupid.

===[[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]], &quot;Sacred Emotion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this one of those beer commercials?
:'''Beavis''': Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing…..&quot;Step out of the old, and into the cold&quot;…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…&quot;Nothing Beats a [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Butt!]]&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
:'''Beavis''': 'Cause he's a wuss. 
:'''Butt-head''': He probably has saggy pecs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know their dad, [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Osmond]], like, [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killed one of the presidents]] or something?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
:'''Butt-head''': That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! Is this the [[w:Mormon Tabernacle Choir|Moron Tabernacle Choir]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I hate this [[w:Mormon music|moron music]].

===[[Our Lady Peace]], &quot;Starseed&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out, it's those &quot;Black Hole Sun&quot; mountains!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: &quot;Up on your left is Soundgarden&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah: &quot;And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [derisively] ''Church''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, [[w:Snake_handling|snakes in church]], and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
:'''Beavis''': I know, but I've seen it in [[w:music videos|videos]] and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: &quot;''Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!''&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! &quot;''Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…''&quot;
:'''Beavis &amp; Butt-head''': &quot;…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care.  And we'll all join in and sing!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, sounds pretty cool!

===[[w:Overkill (band)|Overkill]], &quot;Hello From the Gutter&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at this guy!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I would watch it!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Ellsworth|Bobby Ellsworth]]''': Hello from the gutter!
:'''Beavis''': What's he saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think he's saying &quot;yellow butter&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Ellsworth''': Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Beavis''': [''doing a high-pitched impersonation''] '''WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'''

==P==
===[[w:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], &quot;[[w:Simply Irresistible (song)|Simply Irresistible]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those [[w:karaoke|croaky-okey]] bars.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, &quot;I'm crazy…&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he sang, [''mock-Chinese accent, sings''] &quot;Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…&quot; [''mock-Chinese gibberish''] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
:'''Butt-head''': He didn't say that, Beavis!

===[[Pantera]]===
====&quot;[[w:I'm Broken|I'm Broken]]&quot;====
:'''Both''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [''turns the volume down'']
:'''Beavis''': No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go''] Here we go.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Rock, rock, rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': [''trying to yell above the noise''] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
:'''Beavis''': I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': UHH, WHAT?
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
:'''Beavis''': IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
:'''Butt-head''': SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
:'''Beavis''': OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
:'''Butt-head''': LET ME SEE!! [''presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level''] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
:'''Beavis''': DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
:'''Butt-head''': LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
:'''Butt-head''': YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!

====&quot;[[w:Mouth For War|Mouth For War]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Phil Anselmo|Phil Anselmo]]''': WRONG!!!
:'''Butt-head''': [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay. [''imitates Anselmo's singing style''] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This singer looks pretty mean.
:'''Beavis''': Do you think he gets all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
:'''Beavis''': The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.

====&quot;[[w:This Love (Pantera song)|This Love]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I don't think so. [[w:Phil Anselmo|This guy]]'s dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. He was like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He was like, &quot;You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!&quot;

===[[Dolly Parton]], &quot;More Where That Came From&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is that chick with those big hooters!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Yeah!  [''imitating Dolly Parton''] WORKING NINE TO FIVE!  IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dolly Parton''': I know I've got some stiff competition...
:'''Butt-head''': ''Stiff'' competition?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  She's talking about us.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
:'''Beavis''': You mean, like, country music?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  I mean big hooters.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Pavement (band)|Pavement]]===
====&quot;Cut Your Hair&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's &quot;BUTT-WIPE&quot; music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
:'''Beavis''': Um, is that supposed to be funny?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
:'''Beavis''': Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members trips over a table'']
:'''Butt-head''': What a wuss!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: &quot;Soooo, how's school?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I usually say: &quot;It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool! 

====&quot;Rattled by the Rush&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, it's another one of these. [''Beavis groans''] They need to try harder.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is just horrible.
:'''Beavis''': If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like [[w:The Jesus Lizard|Jesus Lizard]]! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think these guys are just lazy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
:'''Beavis''': Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': You poop in the tub?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
:'''Butt-head''': You're disgusting, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Heheh, yeah.

===[[Katy Perry]], &quot;[[w:Firework (song)|Firework]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, do you light the fireworks?
:'''Beavis''': Well, yeah, I tried, but every time I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katy Perry''': You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
:'''Beavis''': My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that [[w:Dove (toiletries)|Dove model]] by the pool. You are a waste of space.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not a firework.
:'''Beavis''': DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [''Kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] I am a firework!
:'''Butt-head''': [''in agony''] Dammit, Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': I'm an [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]].

===[[Tom Petty]], &quot;It's Good to Be King&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that kid from that &quot;[[w:Losing My Religion|Losing My Religion]]&quot; video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Tom Petty''': It's good to get high…
:'''Butt-head''': It's good to get high?
:'''Beavis''': What kind of message is that sending?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own [[w:perineum|taint]]. That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
:'''Beavis''': See, I'm always thinking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Velvet Jones|Velvet Jones]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. He's cool. [''imitates [[Eddie Murphy]]''] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah , yeah. [''also impersonating Eddie Murphy''] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, &quot;How to Be a Ho&quot;! [''normal voice''] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's on TV, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
:'''Butt-head''': He got famous because he's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

===[[Phish]], &quot;[[w:Down With Disease|Down With Disease]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Diving into the what?
:'''Butt-head''': The fishtank, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
:'''Beavis''': Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's a toilet. See?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Fish are stupid.
:'''Butt-head''': They're like &quot;Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah. [''Beavis opens his mouth wide''] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

===[[Pink Floyd]], &quot;[[w:High Hopes (Pink Floyd somg)|High Hopes]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no, is this Yanni? [''pause''] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
:'''Beavis''': Are they from England?
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.
:'''Beavis''': Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [''sings''] &quot;The grass was greener…&quot; and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - &quot;Wha-ha!&quot; - and then I would score.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
:'''Beavis''': Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name &quot;Pink Floyd&quot;, and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it ''is'' wuss music, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!

===[[w:Pizzicato Five|Pizzicato Five]], &quot;Twiggy, Twiggy&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check this out. [''sings in a fake Mexican accent''] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What language is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think it's like…French.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Or Mexican, or something.
:'''Beavis''': I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [''Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are &quot;taco supremo&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from ''[[w:My Three Sons|My Three Sons]]''! That's [[w:Barry Livingston|Ernie]] from ''My Three Sons''! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [''Imitates Ernie''] Hey [[w:William Demarest|Uncle Charley]]. Seems like a lot of work to me.
:'''Beavis''': [''Also imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
:'''Butt-head''': [''Continuously imitating Ernie''] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and [[w:Stanley Livingston|Chip]] are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
:'''Beavis''': And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [''Imitates Uncle Charley''] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

===[[w:Plain White T's|Plain White T's]], [[w:1, 2, 3, 4 (Plain White T's song)|1, 2, 3, 4]]===
:'''Butt-head''': This is like, one of those commercials where you don't know what it's for.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, what is it for?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's that one where guy's like, &quot;When disaster strikes, you want to be covered.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No no, that one has [[w:Dennis Haysbert|that guy]] who [[w:David Palmer (24)|used to be president]] before [[w:Barack Obama|Obama]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, it's another one of those boner drug commercials.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Everyday, millions of Americans can't get wood.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ask your doctor is Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, double vision, blurriness, dizziness, confusion...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;And a boner that goes on for four hours.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

===[[w:Plasmatics|Plasmatics]], &quot;The Damned&quot;===
:[''video opens with this message: &quot;WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS.  YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Check it out.  A warning!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That means they're gonna do something cool.
:[''a fire is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like that fire.  Fire, fire, fire!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  [[w:Wendy O. Williams|She]]'s almost naked!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she has nails coming out of her arms.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Come to Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  And she's holding a bomb.
:'''Butt-head''': Chicks are cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is gonna be cool!
:[''the bus smashes through the TVs'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  Check it out!  This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus'']
:'''Butt-head''': This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And TVs getting smashed, and screaming.  It's got something for everyone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:[''Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes'']
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': YES!
:'''Beavis''': FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!
:'''Butt-head''': Now that really ''was'' cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!

===[[w:Buster Poindexter|Buster Poindexter]], &quot;Zat You Santa Claus?&quot;===
:'''Buster''': ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
:[''Beavis does a spit take'']
:'''Butt-head''': This guy seems pretty cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those &quot;[[w:Cannibalism|cannibists]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, &quot;cannilbulsists&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': How come boogers don't, like, stink?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too!

===[[Poison (band)|Poison]]===
====&quot;I Want Action&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember back when they used to play [[w:music videos|videos]] by these guys all the time?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that really sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': It's like, [''high-pitched voice''] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
:'''Butt-head''': You're a little too good at that, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the names of the band members are flashed onscreen'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Bobby Dall|Bobby]]. [[w:C. C. DeVille|C.C.]], and [[w:Bret Michaels|Brettt]]!
:'''Beavis''': And don't forget [[w:Rikki Rockett|Rikki]]!

====&quot;[[w:Unskinny Bop|Unskinny Bop]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': And to think that [[w:Bret Michaels|this dude]] used to boff [[Pamela Anderson]].
:'''Butt-head''': Like that would ever happen.
:'''Beavis''': I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…[[Tony Robbins|Anthony Roberts]], he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, [[w:Scott Baio|Scott Baio]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, really?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.

===[[w:Porno for Pyros|Porno for Pyros]], &quot;[[w:Pets (song)|Pets]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What's with all these squares?
:'''Beavis''': [[Orange (colour)|Orange]] squares suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
:'''Beavis''': Geometry's not about squares.  It's about triangles and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': I meant ''advanced'' geometry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These guys sure got wimpy.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, fartknocker!  These guys are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

===[[w:Post Malone|Post Malone]]===
====&quot;[[w:Circles (Post Malone song)|Circles]]&quot;====
:''[the video opens with Post Malone, in medieval armor, kneeling]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Jesus Christ of the Lord, God on High, thank you for making me Post Malone.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Thank you for making me rich, and have lots of chicks too. Amen.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Whoa, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong! It's just wide open! And his testes too!
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, he just doesn't care about his weiner.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. &quot;An evil rises in [[w:Mordor|Mordor]], but Post Malone shall not wear any armor on his schlong!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[a woman without a mouth is shown]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' &quot;A bad guy now... I don't believe it...&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he looks lazy. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the mouthless woman is shown with long braided hair]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.
:''[she's seen walking into a river]''
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.

====&quot;[[w:Cooped Up|Cooped Up]]&quot; feat. [[w:Roddy Ricch|Roddy Ricch]]====
:''[while Post Malone smokes a cigarette while he sings]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.
:'''Butt-head''': When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked. 
:'''Beavis''': If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those [[w:electrolarynx|throat voice box things]] where you have a hole in your throat.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. ''[imitating Post Malone]'' Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made ''that'' cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, &quot;Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': ''[as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch]'' Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live. 
:'''Beavis''': He's like, &quot;Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah he's like, &quot;Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway.&quot;

===[[w:The Power Station|The Power Station]], &quot;[[w:Get It On (T. Rex song)#Power Station version|Get It On (Bang a Gong)]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  She's almost naked!  That's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman is dancing behind a flame'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Pussy Galore|Pussy Galore]]!
:'''Butt-head''': That's that chick from [[w:Goldfinger (film)|that movie]] about that guy with those numbers.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people.  That's cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  [[w:James Bond|James Bong]].
:'''Beavis''': You said &quot;bong.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Power Station''': Get it on, bang a gong...
:'''Butt-head''': They said &quot;bong&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, a toilet!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  [[w:M-80 (explosive)|M-80]] it.
:'''Butt-head''': We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV.  That would be cool!
:'''Beavis''': We could put a [[w:Urinal|uriner]] right next to the TV.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We can just take a leak right here.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't have enough toilets in videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need more toilets in videos.  That would be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like more of those uriners.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Those are cool.

===[[w:Primal Scream|Primal Scream]], &quot;[[w:Rocks (song)|Rocks]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Bobby Gillespie|Bobby Gillespie]]''': Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
:'''Beavis''': Um…wha'd he say?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you can't beat that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah I can!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. [''slaps Beavis, who screams''] Don't start with me today.
:'''Beavis''': I wasn't. I was starting with me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bobby Gillespie''': Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…you know, like, doing it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Uh, no…
:'''Butt-head''': That's the way it should be.
:'''Beavis''': Uh…oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This like, uh… kinda rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
:'''Butt-head''': Okay, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
:'''Butt-head''': There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No, I mean she was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.

===[[w:Primus (band)|Primus]]===
::''See also: Primus, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot; by Primus|&quot;Poetry And Prose&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.''

====&quot;[[w:DMV (song)|DMV]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:The Benny Hill Show|the Benny Hill Show]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [''sings''] [[w:My Name is Mud|My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!]]
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe [[w:Les Claypool|this guy]] will spit again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Les Claypool''': If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said &quot;If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
:'''Butt-head''': Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': I don't care.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots]]. Kick 'em in the nads!
:'''Butt-head''': Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
:'''Beavis''': Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, BBs and raisins and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': That's disgusting, Beavis!

====&quot;[[w:My Name is Mud|My Name is Mud]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''about lead singer [[w:Les Claypool|Les Claypool]]''] That looks like that dude from ''[[w:Deliverance|Deliverance]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Remember that part with that pig?
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't a pig, Beavis.  That was [[w:Ned Beatty|Ned Beatty]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I've watched that movie seven times.
:'''Butt-head''': Me too.  &quot;Squeal like a pig, boy!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Les Claypool spits'']
:'''Beavis''': Spit!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''three fat men are shown in a sauna'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Fat people!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  They don't have enough fat people in videos.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And more spit in videos.  Like, people hocking loogies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  More spit, and more fat people.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Fat people are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[Prince (musician)|Prince]], &quot;The Most Beautiful Girl in the World&quot;===
:[''Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! Check out his unit!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, this chick is flat!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you see that unit?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That means it's not a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, she has to be naked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
:'''Beavis''': Really? How come you were naked?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
:'''Butt-head''': [''chuckles''] [[w:oral sex|Mouthing]]?
:'''Beavis''': [''laughs''] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!

===[[w:The Prodigy|The Prodigy]], &quot;[[w:Poison (The Prodigy song)|Poison]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  They're cracking concrete!
:'''Beavis''': Um, [''nonchalantly''] you said &quot;crack.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile.  [''imitates the bass line'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's about time.  I've been meaning to do a tribute to my ''own'' turds.  It's called &quot;Poop: A Retrospective.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Hootie &amp; the Blowfish|Hootie &amp; the Blowfish]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That would be cool.  It'd be like, &quot;With a little love, poop!  And a little tenderness!  Plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Plop, plop, plop!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.

===[[w:Prong (band)|Prong]]===
====&quot;Prove You Wrong&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! They should have, like, &quot;Heavy Metal Choir&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Y'know what makes this band COOL?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
:'''Butt-head''': They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!&quot; Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Screaming is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! &quot;AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!&quot;

====&quot;Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck&quot;====
:[''video opens with a dripping faucet'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee!  Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  A little something for everyone.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Tommy Victor|This dude]] must use the same shampoo as me.
:'''Beavis''': Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this that band, Schlong?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass!  It's ''Prong''!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh.  Well...I wasn't that far off.  Butthole.

===[[w:Public Image Ltd.|Public Image Ltd.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Rise (Public Image Ltd song)|Rise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet'']
:'''Butt-head''': She's beating her carpet.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  We should do that.
:'''Butt-head''': It ''looks'' cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[John Lydon]]''': I could be [[wrong]], I could be right, I could be [[black people|black]], I could be [[white people|white]]...
:'''Butt-head''': You're white.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle''] He's got a hair stiffy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a group of old people is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Old people.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Lydon''': I could be wrong...
:'''Butt-head''': You're wrong.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's ''all'' wrong.  And his hair is orange.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

====&quot;The Body&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this a bakery?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:John Lydon|That guy]] has a disease.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's got wussyitis.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Have you ever had an operation?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  I had my tonsils removed once.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That means you were neutered, dude!
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Dude, that's what they do when they [[w:Castration|remove your testicles]]!
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': I was thinking of having my [[w:Mucous membrane|mucous membranes]] removed.  That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember [[w:Mucus|mucus]].  So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be pretty cool!  Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.

===[[w:The Pursuit of Happiness (band)|The Pursuit of Happiness]], &quot;Cigarette Dangles&quot;===
:[''the lyrics flash on the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': What?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I hate words.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Words suck.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is college music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  College music sucks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Moe Berg''': Your cigarette dangles...
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;dangle.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's pretty cool!  You're pretty smart, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

==Q==
===[[w:Quicksand (band)|Quicksand]]===
====&quot;Delusional&quot;====
:[''band member [[w:Walter Schreifels|Walter Schreifels]], who resembles [[w:Jim Carrey|Jim Carrey]], is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's that guy from ''[[w:Dumb and Dumber|Dumb and Dumber]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  I think that's Dumb.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman approaches a car'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  We need to get one of those!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I know!  I know!  I KNOW!  I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head.  It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick.  Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff.  It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going!  And all it takes is just getting that first chick!  Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch!  I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, oh yeah.  Sorry about that.

====&quot;Dine Alone&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I wish I had a shirt like that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt.  That would rule!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a woman in a bathtub is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool.  It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would be cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis!  I hope you were joking.
:'''Beavis''': Um...y - yeah.  Yeah, that was pretty funny.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, rule and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.

===[[w:Quiet Riot|Quiet Riot]], &quot;[[w:Cum on Feel the Noize|Cum on Feel the Noize]]&quot;===
:[''video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  I saw that guy in detention!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
:'''Butt-head''': Rise and shine!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These effects aren't very special.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These effects suck.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==R==
===[[R.E.M.]]===
====&quot;[[w:Nightswimming|Nightswimming]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! They almost showed that chick's butt!
:'''Butt-Head''': Yeah, but close only counts in horseshoes and like, uh, lemonade, or something.

====&quot;[[w:Pop Song 89|Pop Song 89]]&quot;====
:[''censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer [[w:Michael Stipe|Michael Stipe]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Michael Stipe|That chick]] has small boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You can tell even with that black square on there.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''lyrics start crawling across the screen'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...
:'''Beavis''': How many times do I have to say this?  I hate [[w:music videos|videos]] with [[words]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If I wanted to [[read]], I'd go to [[school]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That sucks!  How come they don't show boobs?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Shiny Happy People|Shiny Happy People]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Happiness.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Um, uh, you said &quot;penis.&quot;  Just thought I'd tell you.
:'''Butt-head''': I know!  Why do you think they call it &quot;happiness&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, ''you're'' happy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now!  Feelin' pretty happy!   Shiny.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!  You're a miserable piece of crap.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm happier than ''you.''
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis!  You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yep.  Feelin' pretty good!  [''sings along quietly''] Shiny happy people!  Yeah!  Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun!  Shiny happy people!  [''Butt-head smacks him''] AAHHHH!

===[[w:Radiohead|Radiohead]], &quot;[[w:Fake Plastic Trees|Fake Plastic Trees]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. ''Let's get a little mellow''.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit…he's always going, &quot;I must say,&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then he's always saying he's gonna be on [[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]], and he's, like, all into [[w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak]]. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
:'''Beavis''': No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, sure. [''slaps Beavis several times'']
:'''Beavis''': AHH! OWW!! Um…[[w:Ed Grimley|Ed Grimley]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You hit me?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAHHHH!!!
:'''Beavis''': Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

===[[w:Raging Slab|Raging Slab]], &quot;Anywhere but Here&quot;===
:[''video opens with a woman spitting out a coin'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head, it's [[w:Gary Coleman|that little dude]]!
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Wasn't that that kid from &quot;[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Skynyrd]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is pretty cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, [[w:Arnold Jackson (character)|Arnold]].  Where are [[w:Willis Jackson (character)|Willis]] and [[w:Kimberly Drummond|Kimberly]]?
:'''Beavis''': I wonder if they're in the same jail?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Right alongside [[w:Danny Bonaduce|Danny Bonerduce]].
:'''Beavis''': Danny Bonaduce!  ''Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!  Bonaduce!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out.  He's gonna say it.
:'''Beavis''': Say it!  SAY IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Say it!  Say it, bumwipe!
:'''Gary Coleman''': What'chu talkin' about?

===[[w:Railroad Jerk|Railroad Jerk]], &quot;Rollerkoaster&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah. Is she Chinese?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's that [[w:Connie Chung|Connie Schlong]] chick that [[w:Connie Chung#Kathleen Gingrich interview controversy|called the president's mom]] a bitch on TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lead singer''': But sex!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anal sex|Butt sex]]?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's ''your'' mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them. 
:'''Butt-head''': I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Isn't she already easy enough?
:'''Beavis''': Enough!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': [''humoring him''] Okay, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, that looks kinda like [[Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no. You're thinking of ''me'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No. I was thinking of ''me'', actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

===The Rake's Progress, &quot;I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''seeing a man milking a cow''] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
:'''Beavis''': Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
:'''Butt-head''': No, you squeeze its boobs!
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, [[w:udder|that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [''Beavis lets his jaw hang open''] This feels kinda good.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe I'll try it. [''Butt-head lets his jaw hang open''] This is pretty cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own pud.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
:'''Beavis''': Well, um, was I there?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

===[[Ramones]]===
====&quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot;====
:[''the duo are watching &quot;[[w:Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)|Physical]]&quot; by [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': This sucks. Let's watch something [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:[''flips channel; &quot;[[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|I Wanna Be Sedated]]&quot; by the [[Ramones]] is on'']
:'''Beavis''': Yes!!
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': [''air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally''] Dananananananana dananananananana!

====&quot;[[w:Pet Sematary (song)|Pet Sematary]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': [[Fire]]'s [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Dead]] [[animals]]'re [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

====&quot;[[w:Substitute (The Who song)|Substitute]]&quot;====
:[''the video opens with a man giving a lecture'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, where are the drums?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe this is rap.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah! I think that was him!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Joey Ramone|Joey Ramone]]''': But I'm a substitute…
:'''Beavis''': Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, [''a painting of [[w:Kojak|Kojak]] is shown for a split second''] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, she's a slut!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And [[w:Sean Yseult|that chick]] from [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
:'''Beavis''': What's he doing in this video?
:'''Butt-head''': He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he says: [''disoriented''] &quot;Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

===[[w:Rancid (band)|Rancid]], &quot;Nihilism&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
:'''Beavis''': Aah, shut up Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
:'''Beavis''': I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. &quot;I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.&quot; Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't you ''ever'' tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
:'''Beavis''': [''kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor''] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [''walks away'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''In pain''] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

===[[w:Red Hot Chili Peppers|Red Hot Chili Peppers]]===

::''See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Search And Destroy&quot; covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers|&quot;Search And Destroy&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.''

====&quot;[[w:Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Higher Ground]]&quot;====

:'''Butt-head''': (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:tattoo|Tattoos]] are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
:'''Butt-head''': You could have &quot;I'm a puss&quot; tattood on your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:Show Me Your Soul|Show Me Your Soul]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  This is cool!
:'''Beavis''': This ''doesn't'' suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Anthony Kiedis|Anthony Kiedis]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  These guys get all the chicks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]] is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Flea is cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': I like the skull.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''masks are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  A mask!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's like that joke, &quot;If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': No, dillweed, that's not how it goes!  It's, &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': You mean, &quot;If your dog was as ugly as you.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': That's what I said!  &quot;If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's pretty funny.

===[[w:Rednex|Rednex]], &quot;[[w:Cotton Eyed Joe|Cotton Eyed Joe]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…what is this?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I know. This is that song &quot;Cotton-Eyed Joe&quot;, we used to sing this in kindergarten.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
:'''Butt-head''': That was back when school was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
:'''Beavis''': Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
:'''Butt-head''': You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

===[[w:The Reverend Horton Heat|Reverend Horton Heat]]===
====&quot;Psychobilly Freakout&quot;====
:'''Jim Heath''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
:'''Butt-head''': This dude is weird!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing [[video games]] all day and like, drinking Slushies.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's cool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jim''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
:'''Beavis''': It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [''shaking''] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…
:'''Jim''': I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh huh huh huh huh.
:'''Jim''': IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': &quot;DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!&quot; Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': I bet you could score a lot of points.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

====&quot;Wiggle Stick&quot;====
:[''video opens with snakes'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, snakes are cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I've got a good feeling about this video.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': This guy rules!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  This guy rocks!  He ROCKS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along badly''] I got a wiggle stick, mama!  [''normal voice''] ''I'' got a wiggle stick.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, don't wiggle it here.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  This is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah!  Get him!  Get him!  Get him in the butt!  Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Did I mention that this is cool?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I don't think so.

===[[w:Rockwell (musician)|Rockwell]], &quot;[[w:Somebody's Watching Me|Somebody's Watching Me]]&quot;===
:[''a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's all that crap on the newspaper?
:'''Beavis''': I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a dog is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those [[w:Labrador Retriever|Lavatory Retrievers]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I don't know.
:'''Beavis''': Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your [[w:Testicle|nads]].
:'''Butt-head''': Your dentist inspects your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Doesn't yours?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  That's what the ''doctor'' does, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': My dentist ''always'' looks at my nads.  I have full coverage.  Yeah.

===[[w:Olivia Rodrigo|Olivia Rodrigo]]=== 
====&quot;[[w:Drivers License (song)|Drivers License]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like [[w:James Bond|James Bond]]? How do you get one of those?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test. 
:'''Beavis''': I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, &quot;Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him. 
:'''Beavis''': No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, exactly. 
:'''Butt-head''': Peace...

====&quot;[[w:Good 4 U|Good 4 U]]&quot;====
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ''[dancing with a group of cheerleaders]'' Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...
:'''Beavis''': You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The coach is like, &quot;Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend.&quot;
:''[as Olivia Rodrigo dances in a room engulfed in flames]''
:'''Beavis''': &quot;When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Olivia Rodrigo''': ... Like a damn [[w:Psychopathy|sociopath]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh... what is that word, &quot;soshiopath?&quot;
:'''Beavis'''  Oh, yeah yeah, I wonder what it means. 
:'''Butt-head''': That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself. 
:'''Butt-head''': You'll die alone. 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.

===[[w:The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]], &quot;Emotional Rescue&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I think this is [[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]].  Yeah, yeah!  They're gonna pull that guy's spine out!  YAAAAHHHHH!  AAAAHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was cool.  The mother of all wars has begun!  YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!  Incoming scud!
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!  He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
:'''Butt-head''': So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
:'''Beavis''': And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  She's a slut!  And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Rollins Band|Rollins Band]]===
====&quot;Disconnect&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar!  &quot;Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out!  I'll kick your ass!  Liar!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up!  Those aren't the words.
:'''Beavis''': WHOA, WHORES!  Check it out, Butt-head!  Whores!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Whores rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That would suck to be a cab driver.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool.  I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, &quot;Where are you going today, ma'am?  Okay.  How do you get there?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You would suck, Beavis.  You sounded like a stupid dork.  You're never gonna be able to do anything.
:'''Beavis''': That would be cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street'']
:'''Beavis''': Check out this part, Butt-head.  &quot;Excuse me, hey.  Hey, excuse me, pardon me.  Hey!  Hey, dammit!  Hey!  Hey, watch it!  Dammit!  Dammit!  Man!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, just shut up.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups'']
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit.  Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video.  This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Liar (Rollins Band song)|Liar]]&quot;====
:'''Henry Rollins''': So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …in darkness and [[seclusion]].
:'''Beavis''': Darkness rules!
:'''Henry Rollins''': …and then you meet me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
:'''Butt-head''': He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter &quot;R&quot; on his chest'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
:'''Butt-head''': Lying rules.

===[[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]===
====&quot;Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': This dude used to be the lead singer for [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]].  They got that video, &quot;[[w:Right Now (Van Halen song)|Right Now]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That's that video with all those words on the screen.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David wishes he had his old job back.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Like, &quot;Right now, David is planning to kill [[w:Sammy Hagar|Sammy Hagar]].&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson'']
:'''Beavis''': Fire!  Fire!  Fire!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Hey, where's Tito?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude dances like [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mallomar]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But he doesn't suck as much.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  John Cougar Military Camp.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Just Like Paradise|Just Like Paradise]]&quot;====
:[''video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's stuck in a crack.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That guitar is cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's shaped like one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
:'''Beavis''': No, that one's on her shoulder.  She's got a battleship on her butt.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''mocking David Lee Roth's long hair''] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
:'''Butt-head''': You said &quot;member.&quot;  That was cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Sing, fat boy!  Sing!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Paradise sucks.  Yeah.

====&quot;She's My Machine&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...who the Hell ''is'' this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um...um...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  He kinda looks familiar, too.  Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
:'''Butt-head''': No.  Uh, is it Sting?
:'''Beavis''': No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, [[w:One Day at a Time|One Day at a Time]]!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not!  I think it's David Lee Roth?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah right.  Um...maybe it's, umm--
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth.  Oh my God!
:'''Beavis''': Oh!  Yeah, yeah, it's him!  Where are all the chicks?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know.  It's like, something's wrong with him.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I'm concerned about him.

===[[w:Run-D.M.C.|Run-D.M.C.]], &quot;[[w:Down with the King (song)|Down with the King]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Yes!
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is a def jam.  These guys are def.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  You mean they can't hear?
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Are you down with the king?
:'''Beavis''': Are they talking about, like, [[w:Don King|Don King]]?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass, he was talking about [[w:Burger King|Burger King]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pete Rock''': ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  College sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't like knowledge, either.

===[[RuPaul]], &quot;[[w:Supermodel (You Better Work)|Supermodel (You Better Work)]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This chick is hot.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  Would you make out with her?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd be all over it!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  That's a ''guy'', Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': No way!
:'''Butt-head''': You want to make out with a dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh!  He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Rush (band)|Rush]], &quot;Stick It Out&quot;===
:[''video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that Jesus?  Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, I think it's [[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]].
:'''Beavis''': Umm...no, I think it's... [''disappointed''] oh, it's Rush.  Oh, God.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating the Rush song &quot;The Spirit of Radio&quot;''] ''Invisible airwaves crackle with life!  Bright antennae bristle with the energy!'' Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you happen to be a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair.  That's a good idea for a video.
:'''Beavis''': Um, didn't they do that before?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''this'' guy's on a pole.
:'''Beavis''': O - oh yeah, yeah.  No, wait a minute, Butt-head!  I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.  He had tattoos, though.  That's what I was thinking.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
:'''Beavis''': M hm.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
:'''Beavis''': Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I remember that.  Yep.
:'''Butt-head''': So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that's right.  That's right.  M hm.  [''chuckling''] Pole.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Pole.
:'''Beavis''': I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.  You're right.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

==S==
===[[w:Sagat (rapper)|Sagat]], &quot;Why Is It? (Funk Dat)&quot;===
:'''Sagat''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Did you hear that?  He said, &quot;Funk dat.&quot;  Funk dat!  Yeah, that's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question...
:'''Butt-head''': Queshtun.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Queshtun!
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty good, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Thanks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot'']
:'''Beavis''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  STEP ON HIM!  Kick him in the nads!  KICK HIM!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Funk dat, funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sagat''': Question!
:'''Beavis''': [''parroting Sagat''] Queshtun!
:'''Sagat''': Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
:'''Beavis''': Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
:'''Sagat''': ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Question.  Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months? 
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': Funk dat!
:'''Beavis''': Question.  Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it?  Funk dat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They should get this guy on that [[w:60 Minutes|16 Minutes]] show instead of that old [[w:Andy Rooney|Mickey Rooney]] dude they got.  He sucks!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Check this out, Butt-head.  [''imitating [[w:Andy Rooney|Andy Rooney]]''] You know what I don't understand?  Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes?  Yeah. Funk dat!
:'''Butt-head''': You sound just like that buttmunch!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.  Check this out, too. [''imitating Andy Rooney again''] How come they call it &quot;[[w:defecation|taking a dump]]&quot; and not &quot;leaving a dump&quot;?  I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere!  Yeah.  Funk dat!

===[[w:Salt-N-Pepa|Salt-N-Pepa]], &quot;[[w:Push It (Salt n Pepa song)|Push It]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I like chicks with leather jackets.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': Push what?
:'''Beavis''': Push it!  Push it!  Push it!
:'''Butt-head''': What are they talking about, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Salt-N-Pepa''': Push it good!
:'''Beavis''': Push ''what?''
:'''Butt-head''': Push that little button on the remote.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Jacob Sartorius|Jacob Sartorius]], &quot;Chapstick&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh-huh-huh-huh... white people. 
:'''Beavis''': This is like a boy band, but with just one person. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And he actually is a boy.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he looks like he's 11. Yeah, check this out, Butt-head. Yeah, I mean this is kid, he's young you know, when he says, &quot;Hey you wanna come back to my crib?&quot; He means an actual crib! You know what I'm saying? He's young, so...
:'''Butt-head''': You're in rare form today, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah yeah, I don't wanna say he's young, but you know, this chick thinks he's got wood, but it's just his diaper's full. He's young, this kid! ''Hey-ooo!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh... isn't it like illegal for a girl her age to be with a kid his age?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's a victim. Uh-huh-huh-huh...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jacob Sartorius''': ... nothing between us, but chapstick...
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Nothing between us, but chapstick?&quot; What's that even mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Well I'll tell you one thing that's not between him... pubic hair.
:'''Beavis''': Come on,  Butt-head, that's kinda mean. 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't care! He's rich, and he gets to score when he's 11? He'll be just fine.

===Sausage, &quot;[[w:Riddles Are Abound Tonight|Riddles Are Abound Tonight]]&quot;===
:[''music starts, then suddenly stops'']
:'''Beavis''': What?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': What the hell was that?
:'''Butt-head''': Hmm.  What the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Ummmm, I think this is [[w:Primus (band)|Primus]].
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no.  This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
:'''Beavis''': Really?
:'''Butt-head''': These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''notices the lights on the band members' heads''] Hey, Butt-head.  What are those lights for?
:'''Butt-head''': That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  You mean it's dark in your butt?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  You know when they say, &quot;Stick it where the sun don't shine&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': Mm hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': They're talking about your butt.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh!  I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something.  But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh!  Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  We should go see these guys in concert.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
:'''Beavis''': The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

===[[w:Scandal (American band)|Scandal]], &quot;[[w:Goodbye to You (Scandal song)|Goodbye to You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And it sucks, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at these special effects.
:'''Beavis''': These special effects suck.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
:'''Butt-head''': You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''about singer [[w:Patty Smyth|Patty Smyth]]''] Is this [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Nebatar]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with [[w:Don Henley|Dan Henley]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patty Smyth''': Goodbye to you.
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to glue.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Patty Smith''': Goodbye to you...
:'''Beavis''': [''high-pitched voice''] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
:'''Butt-head''': Goodbye to poo!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Scatman John|Scatman John]], &quot;[[w:Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop|Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop)]]&quot;===
:'''Scatman John''': Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
:'''Beavis''': ''[freaking out]'' AAH!! AAAHH!! ''[convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him]'' OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': It's the Scatman.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
:'''Butt-head''': There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
:'''Beavis''': They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say &quot;Hi, would you like a tie today?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Those places are stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh boy, this sure is horrible. ''[snickers]''
:'''Butt-head''': The United Colors of [[w:Benetton_Group|Bentaton]]...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scatman John''': Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
:'''Beavis''': You know, it kinda sounded like he said &quot;Poop&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
:'''Beavis''': How'd you know that?
:'''Butt-head''': I learned that when I did my report on feces.

===[[w:Scorpions (band)|Scorpions]], &quot;[[w:Rock You Like a Hurricane|Rock You Like a Hurricane]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[Michael Jackson]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
:'''Beavis''': Nah, he told [[w:Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]] he doesn't really sleep in a [[w:Hypobaric chamber|hyperbolic chamber]].  And he has a [[w:Vitiligo|skin disease]].
:'''Butt-head''': You watch ''[[w:The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah]]''?!  [''laughs''] What a wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, bunghole!  I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah.  ''Right'', Beavis.  What a wuss.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm not just a [[w:Hair Club|Hair Club]] member -- I'm the president!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You said &quot;[[w:Penis|member]]&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Let's try to find a video that ''doesn't'' suck.

===[[w:Seaweed (band)|Seaweed]], &quot;Kid Candy&quot;===
:[''video opens with no music'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what happened to the sound?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Ummm...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys seem pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right!  You remind me of, like, [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'm cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a photo of a bicycle is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE!  Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah it is!  That's my bike.  That dude ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...did you lock it?
:'''Beavis''': Uhh...um, uh, maybe not.  These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
:'''Beavis''': That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
:'''Butt-head''': Because, Beavis, ''I'' stole your bike.  It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week.  It looks just like mine.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...okay, Beavis.  You're stupid.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I guess.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], &quot;Rebelene&quot;===
:[''video is set at a gas station'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
:'''Butt-head''': Look who's talking, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair.  My hair's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis.  He's like, wearing some kind of [[w:Coonskip cap|Davy Crockett hat]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
:'''Butt-head''': No it's not, Beavis!  It's, like, a squirrel or something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got [[w:Crocodile Dundee|Crocodile Dundee]] in the band!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's pronounced &quot;Dun''dee'',&quot; Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I didn't know he played.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He jams with [[w:Midnight Oil|Midnight Oil]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  He sounds better with these guys.  I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's, like, getting on my nerves.  It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really!  And check the oil, dammit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And wash my windows, buttknocker!
:'''Beavis''': Don't call him that, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not, buttknocker?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before!  And don't call ''him'' that, either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Brian!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That was pretty cool.  Hey, Butt-head.  I might get a guitar.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Then in the morning, you could like, just say, &quot;Uh, I'm practicing.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;I'm wack-tising.&quot;  Yeah.

===[[w:Shaggy (artist)|Shaggy]], &quot;[[w:Boombastic|Boombastic]]&quot;===
:'''Shaggy''': Mr. Boombastic!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! [''imitating Shaggy''] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
:'''Butt-head''': [''also imitating Shaggy's accent''] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
:'''Beavis''': [''jabbers in a fake Jamaican accent, the only comprehensible words are &quot;romantic&quot; and &quot;bombastic&quot;'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Bombastic! Yeah. [''imitating Shaggy''] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What does &quot;bombastic&quot; mean, anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying &quot;Uhh, this is bombastic&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going &quot;Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!&quot;, you know, stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [''imitating Shaggy''] &quot;This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Smooth.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this accent he's talking in?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass, it's foreign!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock'']
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Shaggy''] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…

===[[w:The Shamen|The Shamen]], &quot;[[w:Ebeneezer Goode|Ebeneezer Goode]]&quot;===
:'''The Shamen''': A great philosopher once wrote, &quot;Naughty, naughty, very naughty.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating''] ''Naughty!  Naughty!  Very naughty, naughty!  Naughty, naughty!  Naughty!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are from [[w:England|that country]] where everything sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they all talk like wussies.  ''Naughty!  Very naughty!''
:'''Butt-head''': People from that country are stupid.  [''mock-British accent''] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bloody well right!

===[[w:Shonen Knife|Shonen Knife]], &quot;Tomato Head&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...oh no!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah.  Anytime.
:'''Butt-head''': Boy.  This really isn't very good! 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!  Uh, I ''know'' that, Butt-head.  Tell me something I ''don't'' know.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  You know the last time you went to the bathroom? 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh...
:'''Butt-head''': It was cool!
:'''Beavis''': I knew that!  I spit it out.
:'''Butt-head''': No, you didn't.  You drank it!
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I remember that.  But I didn't eat it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was cool!  You ate the cracker.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I took the turd off and finished the cracker.  So what?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah.  This sucks!  Yeah!  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Shudder to Think|Shudder to Think]], &quot;Hit Liquor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': This is horrible!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.  Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, it's [[w:Don Henley|Don Henley]]!  I didn't know he was a wuss!
:'''Butt-head''': You ''didn't?''  Where have you been, Beavis?  He's a ''total'' wuss!
:'''Beavis''': Um, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, really?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Let me see, um...[[w:Sting|Sting]], yeah, he's a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': M hm.
:'''Beavis''': Let's see, um, who else, umm...[[w:Ted Danson|Ted Danson]]?  Yeah, he's a wussy.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And don't forget [[w:Jackson Browne|Jackson Browne]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': AAH!  Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': This is scary, Butt-head!  What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
:'''Butt-head''': So what, Beavis?  You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, I guess so.  I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
:'''Butt-head''': I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah.  So would I, yeah.  Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': You were probably serious!
:'''Beavis''': Well, no.  Not really.

===[[w:Sick of It All|Sick of It All]], &quot;Step Down&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This dude should get a better apartment.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
:'''Butt-head''': No we don't.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
:'''Butt-head''': No we're not.
:'''Beavis''': Well, at least we have lots of friends.
:'''Butt-head''': Not really.
:'''Beavis''': Are we healthy?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Our lives suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. We're cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': These dances are pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads &quot;The Dillhole&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. Remember this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads &quot;The Bunghole&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Or how about this one? [''the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads &quot;The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist&quot;'']
:'''Beavis''': Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

===[[w:Silverchair|Silverchair]], &quot;[[w:Tomorrow (Silverchair song)|Tomorrow]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''sings''] [[w:More Than a Feeling|More than a feeling]]…
:'''Butt-head''': I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
:'''Beavis''': CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
:'''Butt-head''': That song's stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
:'''Butt-head''': This isn't the sixties, dillhole! 
:'''Beavis''': My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail. 
:'''Beavis''': I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle ''didn't'' go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant. 
:'''Butt-head''': You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': I am ''not''. Shut up, Butt-head. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, &quot;Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see.&quot;

===[[Frank Sinatra]] &amp; [[Bono]], &quot;[[w:I've Got You Under My Skin|I've Got You Under My Skin]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, it's [[w:Jack Webb|that guy]] from ''[[Dragnet]]''!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
:'''Beavis''': [''Bono appears on screen''] Yeah. My name's Boner. 
:'''Butt-head''': My name's Boner's dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''on Frank Sinatra''] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, some dude from [[Eagles (band)|The Eagles]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Or like, one of those [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones]] guys?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I think that's [[Keith Richards]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. He's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': He needs to say &quot;Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He needs to say &quot;Get in your room and practice, dammit!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': You'd make a good father, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this like, classic rock?
:'''Beavis''': Uh… I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank Sinatra''': I've got you under my skin…
:'''Butt-head''': He said &quot;skin.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': [''Laughs''] &quot;Skin.&quot;

===[[w:Sir Mix-a-Lot|Sir Mix-a-Lot]], &quot;[[w:Baby Got Back|Baby Got Back]]&quot;===
::''See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience#&quot;Monsta Mack&quot; by Sir Mix-a-Lot|&quot;Monsta Mack&quot;]], ''[[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience]]'' (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.''

:'''Butt-head''': I like [[w:buttocks|butts]]. Huh-huh. Butts are [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]].

===[[w:The Sisters of Mercy|The Sisters of Mercy]], &quot;[[w:Doctor Jeep|Doctor Jeep]]&quot;===
:[''television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Is this, like, ''[[w:Jeopardy!|Jeopardy]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Uh, I'll take &quot;Stuff That Sucks&quot; for 500, Alex.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What is [[w:John Mellencamp|John Cougar Mellencamp]]?
:'''Butt-head''': You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You are now discolorfied.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of televangelist [[w:Jimmy Swaggart|Jimmy Swaggart]] is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out, Beavis.  [''imitating Jimmy Swaggart''] ''&quot;I have sinned against you!&quot;''  That was cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:CNN|CNN]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  How come they never show reruns on the news?
:'''Butt-head''': They ''do!''  That's why it sucks!  Every time you see something, it's already happened.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That would be great!

===[[w:Six Finger Satellite|Six Finger Satellite]], &quot;Parlour Games&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [''leaves the room''] It's all this damn video's fault! [''sounds of banging metal can be heard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': [''more intense crashes and bangs can be heard''] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': This is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': The video still sucks!
:'''Beavis''': [''more crashes and bangs can be heard''] This is cool, Butt-head! [''the crashing and banging becomes really intense''] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
:'''Beavis''': [''going really crazy with the crashing and banging''] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [''breaks something''] OW!! OW!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Dammit! I cut my leg! [''re-enters''] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
:'''Beavis''': [''leaves''] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [''crashes can be heard'']

===[[w:Skatenigs|Skatenigs]], &quot;Chemical Imbalance&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Skateboards are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
:'''Butt-head''': What are you talking about, Beavis?  You've never skateboarded in your life!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Oh yeah.  Sorry about that.  But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You liar!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Lying is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ugh!
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, this band sucks.  But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.  So it's, like, pretty cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Skee-Lo|Skee-Lo]], &quot;I Wish&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be [[Forrest Gump]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
:'''Beavis''': That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some [[w:M&amp;M's|Enamems]] and spank my monkey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said &quot;I don’t care how big your turds are.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughs''] You dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going &quot;I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, &quot;They call me Mr. Poop a lot.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
:'''Beavis''': But um…oh. Oh, I see!

===[[w:Skrew|Skrew]], &quot;Picasso Trigger&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...no it's not.  I think it rocks later.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa!  Is this [[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...might as well be.
:'''Beavis''': What-- [[w:Marcus Welby, M.D.|Marcus Welby]], what...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses'']
:'''Butt-head''': Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts.  Check this out.  &quot;Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know.  I bet I could score.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, maybe.  But you're never gonna get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Um, well, I can get a ''fake'' one.  I'd be like, &quot;Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay.&quot;  Yeah.
:[''Butt-head changes the channel'']

===[[w:Skrillex|Skrillex]], &quot;First of the Year (Equinox)&quot;===
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now! [''man gets thrown back telikinetically'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
:'''Beavis''': Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.  Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
:'''Butt-head''': …

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad.  He's like, &quot;Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Woman''': Call 911 now!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?  Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, he'd be like, &quot;Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see 'Smurfs' again, and then she started warping space and time.

===[[w:Slash's Snakepit|Slash's Snakepit]], &quot;Beggars &amp; Hangers-On&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um...whoa!  Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This is ''bad!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...what happened to [[w:Axl Rose|Axl]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, really.  These guys were probably, like, &quot;Okay, Axl.  I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And then [[w:Eric Dover|this guy]] came along, and he was, like, &quot;Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And they were, like, &quot;Hmm, tights.  Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights.  Just don't wear any high heels or anything.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um...who is this guy?  This guy looks familiar.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, &quot;It's ''my'' football!  Give it back!  I'm gonna go back to ''my'' house!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Remember that time he shoved his [[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]] up your butt?
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really?  Cool.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': You know who else this guy looks like?  He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  He's like, &quot;You got some money?  All the money I find on you is mine!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Slaughter (band)|Slaughter]], &quot;Real Love&quot;===
:[''a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head.  &quot;You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  &quot;They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, no.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh, boy.
:'''Butt-head''': How did this ever happen?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, because...[''sees [[w:Shannen Doherty|Shannen Doherty]]''] WHOA!  That's that [[w:Brenda Walsh|Brenda bitch]] from [[w:Beverly Hills, 90210|Beverly Hills]] [''becomes hyperactive''] ''902356781234567898265''-- [''Butt-head slaps him''] Uh, 210.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say &quot;Beverly Hills&quot; and forget about the numbers, okay?
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': So like, why the hell is she hanging out with ''these'' wussies?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Bitches are cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Bitches rule! [''they change the channel'']

===[[Slayer]]===
====&quot;Seasons In the Abyss&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Where the hell is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What are those guys on the horses?
:'''Butt-head''': They're like the Desert cops.  They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah they were playing too loud.
:'''Butt-head''': Not loud enough, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  MOUW MOUW MOUW  ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, look its those [[w:Sphinx|things]].  Those big [[w:Egyptian Pyramids|triangulids]].
:'''Beavis''': What?  I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember like, in [[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|that movie]], that [[w:Moses|Moses]] dude built them?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It was like, in the [[w:1950's|50's]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, and then he went and wrote the [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Condiments]].
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Thou shalt not suck.

====&quot;Serenity In Murder&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Haven't we seen this video before?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say &quot;OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That would rule!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. That's like [[w:The Silence of the Lambs (film)|that movie]] we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, &quot;No way!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Like, remember that movie, ''[[w:The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': That was stupid. That's [[w:Mercury Seven|never gonna happen]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, ''[[w:Alive (1993 film)|Alive]]''?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a plane would really [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|crash like that]].

===[[w:Slim Whitman|Slim Whitman]], &quot;[[w:I Remember You (1941 song)|I Remember You]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This guy looks like a mass murderer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He looks kinda like you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's supposed to be better than [[w:The Beatles|The Beatles]] and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  He's not as cool as [[w:Metallica|Metallica]], though.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why does he keep looking up?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude sounds like he was neutered!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is Satanic country music.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I feel like killing myself.

===[[w:Smashing Pumpkins|Smashing Pumpkins]], &quot;[[w:Today (Smashing Pumpkins song)|Today]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Billy Corgan]]''': Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
:'''Butt-head''': He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
:'''Beavis''': That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': And the Froggies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
:'''Beavis''': Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys should like, get together with the [[w:Spin Doctors|Spin Doctors]], and like, paint stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. I wonder why.

===[[Snoop Dogg]], &quot;[[w:Gin and Juice|Gin and Juice]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
:'''Butt-head''': We got to get one of those.
:'''Beavis''': Woah, he just touched her boobs!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''to the music''] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [''speaking''] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, you're a G for ''gonad''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton? 
:'''Butt-head''': Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. 
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're a ''white wussy'' from ''right here''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you used to go to the ''flea market'' with your ''mom''.
:'''Beavis''': No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors. 
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Yep, I'm a straight G.
:'''Butt-head''': …shut up. 
:'''Beavis''': Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, ''shut up''. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
:'''Beavis''': [''mumbling''] Um, heh, oh yeah.

===[[w:Jill Sobule|Jill Sobule]], &quot;I Kissed a Girl&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': These houses look fake, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
:'''Beavis''': Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said &quot;Harry Behemoth&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': You don't know?
:'''Beavis''': I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing [[w:Fabio Lanzoni|Fabio]]''] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
:'''Butt-head''': Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jill Sobule''': I kissed a girl.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
:'''Butt-head''': You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a [[w:lesbian|thespian]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes &quot;Nyayayayayayayaya!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go &quot;WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!&quot;, and talk about stools and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.

===[[Sonic Youth]]===
====&quot;[[w:Bull in the Heather|Bull in the Heather]]&quot;====
:'''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': 10, 20, 30, 40…
:'''Beavis''': How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Counting rules.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Romper Room|Romper Room]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''commenting on [[w:Kathleen Hanna|Kathleen Hanna]]'s appearance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
:'''Butt-head''': The what?
:'''Beavis''': You know, the sih…um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against [[w:Thurston Moore|Thurston Moore]]'s crotch'']
:'''Beavis''': HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
:'''Beavis''': Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [''Butt-head does a double take and laughs''] Um, wait a minute.
:'''Butt-head''': What???
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.

====&quot;[[w:Dirty Boots|Dirty Boots]]&quot;====
:[''a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says &quot;2.00&quot;'']
:'''Butt-head''': Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
:'''Beavis''': That's a good deal.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a woman in the video''] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
:'''Beavis''': I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Well, you should have said &quot;Hey, baby&quot; then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit'']
:'''Butt-head''': Go for it, dude, she wants you!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, yeah, go for it!
:'''Beavis''': Grab her!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
:'''Beavis''': C'mon! Go for it!
:'''Butt-head''': See, now that dude knows how to do it.
:'''Beavis''':

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[Thurston Moore]]''': And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
:'''Butt-head''': Tell the story of the choad?
:'''Beavis''': This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': It's your story too, butthole!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing'']
:'''Butt-head''': If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
:'''Butt-head''': That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

===[[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]]===
====&quot;[[w:Black Hole Sun|Black Hole Sun]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn'']
:'''Beavis''': Look at that guy's face!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  I can make a face like that, check this out.  [''opens his mouth'']
:'''Beavis''': Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head.  [''a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face''] AAHHHHH! AAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!
:'''Beavis''': Th - that was scary, man.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That scared the bejesus out of me.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle'']
:'''Beavis''': Aaawwwwww!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Aaawwwwww.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': Black hole sun, won't you come...
:'''Beavis''': Black hole sun.  Black hole?  Cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Black hole?
:'''Beavis''': Um...hey Butt-head, what is a [[black hole]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole.  But it's like--
:'''Beavis''': [''interrupting''] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out!  That's that chick from Whale!  Remember?  That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
:'''Beavis''': Oh.  Oh, okay.
:'''Butt-head''': So, like...
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhh yeah.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to [[Hell]] or something.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, really?  That’s cool.  So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': From watching ''[[Star Trek]]'', bunghole.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Outshined|Outshined]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': YES!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This guy kicks ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[Chris Cornell|This guy]] looks like [[Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Christ is [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]]!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chris Cornell''': I'm lookin' California...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Seattle kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Is everybody in Seattle cool?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  If you go to [[w:Seattle|Seattle]], anybody you see is cool.  We should go, dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That's that dude from the Spin Doctors.  He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.

====&quot;[[w:Rusty Cage|Rusty Cage]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': ''Yes!''
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Soundgarden|Soundgarden]] kicks ass!

====&quot;[[w:Spoonman|Spoonman]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
:'''Beavis''': No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, ''they're'' not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Chris Cornell|Chris Cornell]] ([[w:Ben Shepherd|Ben Shepherd]])''': All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
:'''Beavis''': All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
:'''Beavis''': Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

===[[Spın̈al Tap]], &quot;The Majesty of Rock&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's the [[w:Elizabeth II|President of England]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She jams!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's those guys from [[This Is Spinal Tap|that movie]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys are good!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Tap rules.

===[[w:Stacey Q|Stacey Q]], &quot;[[w:Two of Hearts|Two of Hearts]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
:'''Beavis''': No way!  Really?  Let's call her up!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': That would rule!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her [[w:Tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
:'''Butt-head''': Just ''look'' at her, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah.  Yeah.  I think I'm gonna go tie ''my'' tube.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this music sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Um...what music?  Oh, oh yeah!  So like, um, what is this &quot;two of hearts&quot; crap?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, like, when you're playing poker.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, oh yeah.  Yeah.  I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  I have a straight! [''changes channel'']

===[[w:The Stone Roses|The Stone Roses]], &quot;[[w:Love Spreads|Love Spreads]]&quot;===
:[''a man jumps up and down'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''addressing a man dressed in a devil costume''] Uhh...hey [[w:Satan|Satan]], how's it going?
:'''Beavis''': How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  The real Satan doesn't do videos.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  You know, I can talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': No you can't!
:'''Beavis''': Yes sir!  Check this out. [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo.  Loohcs ni yats.
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Do it again, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um...okay.  Okay.  Check this out.  Um, okay, here it goes.  Um... [''backwards speech''] hguone si hguone. [''normal speech''] See? [''backwards speech''] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool!  So like, what did you say just then?
:'''Beavis''': Um, I said, I said, um, &quot;Hey, how's it going?&quot;  Yeah, yeah.  You should try it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, let me see.  Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, see?  See, ''anybody'' can do it.  [''backwards speech''] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.  [''normal speech''] That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': How do you do that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you just talk backwards.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but like, ''how''?
:'''Beavis''': Like ''this''. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot!  I can't do it anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': You can't do it anymore.

===[[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]]===
====&quot;[[w:Plush (song)|Plush]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Is this [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  [[Eddie Vedder]] dyed his hair red.
:'''Beavis''': Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  It's good to see you thinking, Beavis.  [[w:Scott Weiland|That guy]] makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
:'''Butt-head''': They both make faces like that [[w:John Belushi|John Belushi]] dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And he's dead.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped ''them'' off.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head!  Pearl Jam came first!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, they both suck.
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a rottweiler is seen in the video'']
:'''Beavis''': That bear is cool.
:'''Butt-head''': It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
:'''Butt-head''': Well, ''that'' might work.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I wanna dye my hair orange.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  You'd look good, Butt-head.  You should do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Vasoline|Vasoline]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh. I'll stick around for that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in [[w:music video|videos]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
:'''Beavis''': I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Scott Weiland|Scott Weiland]]''': Flies in the vasoline…
:'''Beavis''': Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
:'''Butt-head''': I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything. 
:'''Beavis''': No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
:'''Beavis''': That was cool.

===[[w:The Stranglers|Stranglers]], &quot;Skin Deep&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Why do people make [[w:music videos|videos]]?
:'''Beavis''': And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? How come?
:'''Beavis''': My butt's asleep.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? Cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'll be back later. [''exits'']
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[''turns around'']…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [''sings along''] Better watch out for the skin deep. [''yells''] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [''exits''] Hey Beavis, wait up!

===[[w:Stray Cats|Stray Cats]], &quot;Rock This Town&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is that Billy Idol?
:'''Beavis''': This is a story.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
:'''Beavis''': No way.  Then he got in a motorcycle accident.  And there was blood.  The end.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  It's that [[&quot;Weird Al&quot;]] dude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brian Setzer''': Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
:'''Beavis''': There's gonna be a fight?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
:'''Beavis''': Fight!  Fight!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  He's gonna [[sex|get some]] 'cause he's &quot;Weird Al.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, &quot;Give me some.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

===[[Styx (band)|Styx]], &quot;[[w:Too Much Time on My Hands|Too Much Time on My Hands]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… [''The two laugh dismissively'']
:'''Beavis''': What's this?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''An old woman is sitting in a bar'']
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
:'''Beavis''': Where? Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Hanging out in bars again.
:'''Beavis''': That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … is this cable access?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': They should call it cable suckcess.
:'''Beavis''' Yeah, cable suckcess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Look at [[w:Dennis DeYoung|this dork]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. What a dumbass.
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play [[w:Pantera|Pantera]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel? 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Her dad kicked your ass.

===[[w:Sugar Ray|Sugar Ray]], &quot;Mean Machine&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This sounds like &quot;Wipeout&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': [''half-laughing''] I think this is…&quot;Butt-Wipeout&quot;. [''laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
:'''Butt-head''': No, that's just hockey.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're singing about a car.
:'''Beavis''': See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [''begins &quot;singing&quot;''] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
:'''Beavis''': What's cool about it?
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
:'''Beavis''': You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
:[''Butt-head smacks Beavis'']

===[[w:Sugartooth|Sugartooth]], &quot;Sold My Fortune&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [''Hums along with bass line''] See?
:'''Butt-head''': I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's [[w:futon|one of those]] beds that folds into a couch.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
:'''Butt-head''': 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''Two people are fighting in the video''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
:'''Butt-head''': I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]].
:'''Beavis''': I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7&quot; or something.

===[[w:Suicidal Tendencies|Suicidal Tendencies]], &quot;[[w:Institutionalized (song)|Institutionalized]]&quot;===
:'''[[w:Mike Muir|Cyco Miko]]''': Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! Sometimes ''I'' try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways ''I'' want it to, and… 
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Cyco Miko''': …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say &quot;Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems&quot;.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cyco Miko''': …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's under a lot of stress.
:'''Beavis''': [''ranting''] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say &quot;Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better&quot;. I say &quot;Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself&quot;, and they keep saying &quot;Beavis, Beavis&quot;, and like, I don't know what to do…
:'''Butt-head''': Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. This is cool.

===[[w:Superchunk|Superchunk]], &quot;Package Thief&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Their fingers aren't even moving.  What a bunch of fartknockers!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fakers, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  Is there a chick in this band?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
:'''Butt-head''': Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...wait a minute!  That's not a chick.  That's a puppet.  These are ''all'' puppets!
:'''Beavis''': Um...uh, yeah, yeah.  Uh, yeah.  Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet.  Check this out.  [''high-pitched voice''] Hello everybody!  We're gonna have fun today!
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis!  Pull your pants up!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  Sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this, like, about the mail?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I think so.  Where does the mail go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, really?  Then where does it go?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it, like, goes to the North Pole.  And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
:'''Beavis''': Really?  Thanks, Butt-head.  You're interesting.

===[[w:Supergrass|Supergrass]], &quot;[[w:Caught by the Fuzz|Caught by the Fuzz]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That looks like that dude from [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]].
:'''Beavis''': That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Monkeys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [''Butt-head laughs'']

===[[w:The Supersuckers|The Supersuckers]], &quot;Creepy Jackalope Eye&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Is this [[w:The Monkees|the Monkees]]?
:'''Beavis''': They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
:'''Butt-head''': That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, &quot;Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Um, heh. I don't get it.
:'''Butt-head''': She was a slut.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah! [''they both chuckle'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that [[City Slickers]] movie?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah. Remember that one part where [[w:Billy Crystal|that guy]] like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

===[[w:Sweaty Nipples|Sweaty Nipples]], &quot;Demon Juice&quot;===
:[''an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
:'''Beavis''': Ummm...
:'''Butt-head''': Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.  That's cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...you know what, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Um, no, what?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't really feel like watching this right now.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I thought of that, too.
:'''Beavis''': Uh huh.
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if it's on.
:'''Beavis''': I understand, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': But if it's not on...
:'''Beavis''': M hm?
:'''Butt-head''': ...who gives a rat's ass?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''changes channel to the video &quot;Don't Go Breaking My Heart&quot; by Elton John and RuPaul'']

==T==
===T'Baby, &quot;It's So Cold in the D&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
:'''Butt-head''': I don't know, but either way it's cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… is this [[w:The Real Housewives|Real Housewives]] of Detroit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion'']
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''T'Baby''': I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
:'''Beavis''': Hanging and banging…
:'''T'Baby''': How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
:'''Beavis''': Stacking papers, you know…
:[''The lyrics go off-tempo'']
:'''Beavis''': I'm lost.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head are dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…
:'''Beavis''': Bump bump bump bump…
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
:[''The two pause, then resume, their dancing'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo'']
:'''Butt-head''': Something's off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think she was in [[The Lion King|Lion King]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This rules! 
:[''The two resume dancing'']
:'''Butt-head''': It's so cold in the D…

===[[w:T'Pau (band)|T'Pau]], &quot;[[w:Heart and Soul (T'Pau song)|Heart and Soul]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Call now for live one-on-one [[conversations]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Share your [[w:Emotional intimacy|intimate]] [[thoughts]]!
:'''Butt-head''': A dollar ninety-five per minute.
:'''Beavis''': Must be 18 or older.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
:'''Beavis''': We could tell her that she ''sucks''.
:'''Butt-head''': This chick's name is T'Pau.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. That's Spanish for &quot;this sucks.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': The more things [[change]], the more they ''suck''.
:*This is a play on the phrase, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; coined by [[French]] [[critic]], [[journalist]], and [[novelist]] [[Alphonse Karr]].

===[[Talking Heads]], &quot;[[w:Wild Wild Life|Wild Wild Life]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': I don't like [[w:music videos|videos]] that suck.

===[[w:Tank (American singer|Tank]] feat. [[w:Ty Dolla Sign|Ty Dolla $ign]] &amp; [[w:Trey Songz|Trey Songz]], &quot;[[w:When We|When We (Remix)]]&quot;===
:''[the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]''
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;Here at TT&amp;T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;That's the TT&amp;T guarantee.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;If we don't score with your women, your repair is free.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Our satisfaction is guaranteed.&quot;

===Terence Trent D'Arby, &quot;She Kissed Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
:'''Beavis''': Where?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...anywhere.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh, yeah? Liar?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!

===[[w:Tesla (band)|Tesla]], &quot;Call It What You Want&quot;===
:[''the two are sleeping at the start of the video'']
:'''Butt-head''': Ughh!
:'''Beavis''': What, what?  I feel asleep there.  Yeah.  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, I think it's [[w:Jackyl|Jackyl]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Jeff Keith|That dude]] looks like [[w:Heidi Fleiss|Heidi Fleiss]]!
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': She's skanky!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And she's ugly.
:'''Butt-head''': She's what you call ''fugly.''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  She's a ''fugly, skanky whore.''
:'''Butt-head''': That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh oh, sorry about that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as ''yours,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartcracker!  I could kick this dude's ass!
:'''Butt-head''': You mean fart''knocker,'' Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And for the last time, you can't kick ''anybody's'' ass.
:'''Beavis''': Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger.  Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, right.
:'''Beavis''': No really, Butt-head.  I had some last week.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, but then you spit it out.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:that dog.|that dog.]], &quot;Old Timer&quot;===
:[''the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand'']
:'''Butt-head''': I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': And they have a bunch of [[w:corn dog|horn dogs]] working there.
:'''Beavis''': They have horn dogs?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
:'''Beavis''': It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say &quot;I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken&quot;, and I say [''angry''] &quot;Dammit, it's always broken!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Fryer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
:'''Butt-head''': We could put the hairnets on our nads.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
:'''Butt-head''': You put a hairnet on your nads?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at [[w:Shakey's Pizza|Shakey's]]…
:'''Butt-head''': This is stupid.

===[[w:The The|The The]], &quot;I Saw the Light&quot;===
:[''Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City'']
:'''Beavis''': Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that [[w:Late Night with David Letterman|late night]]…
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, &quot;Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': That's kinda disgusting.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''[[w:Matt Johnson (singer)|Matt Johnson]] walks among the edge of a tall building'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Nobody has any balls anymore. 
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…no, and I don't care either.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…[[w:&quot;Crocodile&quot; Dundee|Crocodile Dumbdee]], and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
:'''Butt-head''': Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': You know, this is kind of like [[w:Let It Be (film)|that movie]] with [[The Beatles]] in it, where they're playing on the roof.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. I saw that on the [[w:Discovery Channel|Discovery Channel]]. The Beatles suck!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
:'''Beavis''': I don't know.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard [[w:Murder of John Lennon|they had an opening]].
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Opening.&quot; [''Cackles'']

===[[w:George Thorogood|George Thorogood]], &quot;[[w:Bad to the Bone|Bad to the Bone]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  This song is about a boner.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  It's about a ''bad'' boner, isn't it?
:'''Butt-head''': There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.  Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once.  That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.  That sucked.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  I'm sorry.  I stand corrected.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener.  It's pretty cool!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  That's cool!  Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  We should ask it, &quot;Does this video suck?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  &quot;Signs point to yes.&quot;

===[[w:Tiësto|Tiësto]] and [[w:Karol G|Karol G]], &quot;[[w:Don't Be Shy|Don't Be Shy]]&quot;===
:''[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]''
:'''Beavis''': Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  It is the perfect crime. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]''
:'''Butt-head''': It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump. 
:''[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]''
:'''Beavis''': Whoa.  What's his ''other'' hand doing?
:'''Butt-head''': He's doing a ''different'' kind of fist pump down there. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, there's something ''else'' dancing down there about the same size. 
:'''Butt-head''': He's masturbating. 
:''[they both cackle]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either. 
:'''Butt-head''': Nothing wrong with that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. ''[a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping]'' Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
:'''Butt-head''': Tiësto. ''[cackles]''
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, &quot;Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside.&quot; And then he's like, &quot;Uh, no, you're gonna thank me.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;You're gonna be glad I did, believe me.&quot;

===[[w:Tiffany (singer)|Tiffany]], &quot;[[w:I Think We're Alone Now|I Think We're Alone Now]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': This is mall music.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and [[w:Debbie Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]?
:'''Beavis''': Debbie Gibson would kick her butt!  She'd kick her!
:'''Butt-head''': She should join a gang, like [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and [[w:The Bangles|The Bangles]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Butt-head''': One chick from [[w:L7 (band)|L7]] could kick all of their asses combined.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!

===[[w:Toadies|Toadies]], &quot;[[w:Possum Kingdom|Possum Kingdom]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': [''singing along''] Make up your mind…
:'''Butt-head''': I already made up my mind; this sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is that a body?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah I think so.
:'''Beavis''': You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
:'''Butt-head''': They should have killed the people who made it.
:'''Beavis''': I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
:'''Beavis''': [''imitating Cornholio''] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
:'''Butt-head''': No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
:'''Beavis''':  Yeah, really? What else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
:'''Beavis''': Uhh, what else?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
:'''Beavis''': AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You’re old.
:'''Beavis''': So, um, Butt-head, what would you do, like, if I died?
:'''Butt-head''': I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more [[w:comfort|comfstrable]].

===[[w:Tones and I|Tones and I]], &quot;[[w:Cloudy Day|Cloudy Day]]&quot;===
:'''Tones''': But your mama always said, &quot;Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day...&quot;
:'''Beavis''': What's she saying? &quot;Mama always said look up into the sky?&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': My mom never said anything like that. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like &quot;Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
:'''Beavis''': ''[imitating Tones's singing]'' Mama always said &quot;There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks.&quot;

===Tool, &quot;Prison Sex&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
:'''Butt-head''': That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are. 
:'''Butt-head''': No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt. 
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! Check out that black dude. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky. 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'. 
:'''Beavis''': Get 'em.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
:'''Beavis''': That's not a moth-er. That's a bee. 
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee. 
:'''Beavis''': You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.

===[[w:Tricky|Tricky]], &quot;Black Steel&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
:'''Beavis''': What dude?
:'''Butt-head''': You know, that [[w:Scott O'Grady|pilot dude]]. That one who was like, in a plane and he [[w:Mrkonjić Grad incident|got shot down]] over [[w:Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bogna-Hersnaslovignia]]. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
:'''Beavis''': He lived off BUGS???
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
:'''Beavis''': Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Martina Topley-Bird|Martina Topley-Bird]]''': But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she ''is'' black.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. &quot;Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!&quot;

===[[w:Tripping Daisy|Tripping Daisy]], &quot;I Got A Girl&quot;===
:[''[[w:Tim DeLaughter|the lead singer]] is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it'']
:'''Butt-head''': Zip him back up. He sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
:'''Butt-head''': They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
:'''Beavis''': My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': So like, what are some other operations?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your [[w:tubal ligation|tubes tied]].
:'''Beavis''': What does that mean?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

===[[w:Jen Trynin|Jen Trynin]], &quot;Happier&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Whoa check it out, they got some of that [[w:Kaopectate|Keeyotepcate]] up there, up above that guy's hands.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
:'''Beavis''': Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, really?
:'''Beavis''': It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis…
:'''Beavis''': Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt. 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool.
:'''Beavis''': It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
:'''Butt-head''': You still have it?
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
:'''Beavis''': Why?

===[[w:Tyler, the Creator|Tyler, the Creator]], feat. [[w:Kali Uchis|Kali Uchis]], &quot;[[w:See You Again (Tyler, the Creator song)|See You Again]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Is this Tyler, the Creator? 
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, yeah. 
:'''Beavis''': I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
:'''Butt-head''': If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
:'''Butt-head''': You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
:'''Beavis''': I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of a lifeboat out at sea]''
:'''Butt-head''': If I was stranded on a lifeboat with [[w:Kali Uchis|that girl]], I'd be like, &quot;Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': &quot;Yeah, make that four.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]''
:'''Beavis''': What country's army is this?
:'''Butt-head''': I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
:''[Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]''
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. ''[Tyler is in a ghost costume]'' See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... ''[the costume turns into a swarm of bees]'' See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy? 
:'''Beavis''': No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, &quot;Don't blame me, I didn't vote.&quot;

==U==
===[[U2]]===
====&quot;[[w:Lemon (U2 song)|Lemon]]&quot;====
:[''The word &quot;MEN&quot; appears on screen.'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That's that word they put on bathrooms.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I must mean, like, &quot;crap,&quot; or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, that's that word again.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] appears on screen singing.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Crap is singing.
:[''[[w:The Edge|The Edge]] appears on screen dialing a phone.'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Crap is on the telephone.
:[''[[w:Adam Clayton|Adam Clayton]] appears on screen playing bass guitar.'']
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
:[''[[w:Larry Mullen Jr.|Larry Mullen Jr.]] appears on screen playing drums.]
:'''Beavis''': And this piece of crap is playing the drums.  Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring.  Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head.  Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.'']
:'''Beavis''': Ahhh!  Ahhh!
:'''Butt-head''': Dillweed.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': He's got one of those [[w:Tension headache|attention headaches]].
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  He's got an attention headaches this big.
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
:'''Butt-head''': You're pretty stupid, Beavis.  Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh, yeah, yeah.  That would be cool.

====&quot;[[w:One (U2 song)|One]]&quot;====
:'''Beavis''' ''[referring to the buffalo]'': Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
:'''Butt-head''': That's a buffalo, dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Is this &quot;[[art]]&quot;?
:'''Beavis''': This &quot;[[means]]&quot; something.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something [[stupid]].

====&quot;[[w:Mysterious Ways|Mysterious Ways]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': &quot;[[Bono|Boner]]&quot; is pretty [[w:cool (aesthetic)|cool]] sometimes.
:'''Beavis''': That's because he has a cool [[name]].
:'''Butt-head''': I bet when he was little, his [[mom]] used to say, &quot;Boner, come to [[dinner]]!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! She'd say, &quot;Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Then in the [[morning]], she'd turn to Boner's [[dad]], and say, &quot;Is Boner up yet?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. &quot;Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the [[teachers]] would say, &quot;Your [[son]] sure does [[sing]] well,&quot; and he'd say, &quot;That's my Boner.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Boner!!
:'''Butt-head''': That's a cool name. You know who has a really [[stupid]] name, though? &quot;[[The Edge]].&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah! &quot;The Edge.&quot; What is that?
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid.

====&quot;Numb&quot;====
:[''video opens with water dripping from a faucet'']
:'''Butt-head''': A leak.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''water is shown to be dripping on [[w:The Edge|The Edge]]'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] The Edge.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': I think it's called &quot;Numb.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': It should be called &quot;Dumb.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  [''reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes''] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth!  Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Tie his jaw shut.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's saying, [''softly''] &quot;Uh, excuse me, Edge?  This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:[''[[w:Bono|Bono]] starts singing in The Edge's left ear'']
:'''Butt-head''': And then Bono's saying, &quot;If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.  &quot;And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two women are licking The Edge's face'']
:'''Butt-head''': Wait a minute!  This is cool.
:[''another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge'']
:'''Beavis''': Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah.  Oh yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[[''two feet are pressed against The Edge's face'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Kick him!  Yeah, there you go, yeah.  Shove your foot in his mouth!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek'']
:'''Beavis''': Ooh, yuck!  She just kissed him where that chick put her feet!  That's yucky!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check this out. [''a man whispers in The Edge's ear''] &quot;Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  &quot;Up yours.&quot; [''The Edge appears to give the man the finger''] Yeah.

===[[w:Ugly Kid Joe|Ugly Kid Joe]], &quot;Neighbor&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': What is this?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What is this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
:'''Beavis''': How come he calls himself &quot;Ugly Kid&quot; and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
:'''Butt-head''': Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head.  Shut up!

==V==
===[[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]], &quot;Can't Stop Loving You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': All right, Van Halen!
:'''Butt-head''': Van Halen kicks ass!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah-hh!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis and Butt-head''': Uh...
:'''Beavis''': Um...hmm...
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, ohh boy.
:'''Beavis''': Umm, is this Van Halen?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's [[w:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie]]?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''two football players are shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': [''scoffs''] Athletes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video.  'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch [[w:The Nashville Network|TNN]], all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  All they need now is a big pickup truck.
:'''Beavis''': Ohh yeah, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch.  We should try that.
:'''Butt-head''': That's stupid!  Then you can't get any stains on it.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see?  'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh yeah.  That's cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Vanilla Ice|Vanilla Ice]], &quot;I Love You&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Look! Look!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Sometimes you have a way with words.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': Why bother? All we seem to get on this [[t.v.]] is bad [[w:music videos|videos]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
:'''Beavis''': You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)

===[[w:Violent Femmes|Violent Femmes]]===
====&quot;Breakin' Up&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Dark voices are talking to me…
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
:'''Beavis''': Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
:'''Beavis''': He says [''high-pitched Chinese accent''] &quot;Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': And what does the white guy say?
:'''Beavis''': The same thing. But he talks just like me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats'']
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
:'''Butt-head''': You dumbass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say &quot;Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Shut up! Here it comes! [''Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat''] YEAH!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

====&quot;Nightmares&quot;====
:'''[[w:Gordon Gano|Gordon Gano]]''': Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
:'''Butt-head''': But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [''Dramatic shock sound effect plays'']
:'''Beavis''': AH!
:'''Butt-head''': Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it sucks. [''Sound effect plays again''] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
:'''Butt-head''': That was cool.
:'''Beavis''': No it wasn't.
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AH! NO!
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Everytime you do that, it sucks! [''Sound effect plays again'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

==W==
===[[Tom Waits]], &quot;I Don't Want to Grow Up&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head! It's the [[w:Noid|Noid]].
:'''Butt-head''': Cool! The Noid is cool. 
:'''Beavis''': Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Tom starts his signature wailing'']
:'''Butt-head''': You're right, Beavis!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
:'''Beavis''': What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those [[w:uvula|uvulas]]? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… where?
:'''Beavis''': Um…
:'''Butt-head''': You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Then some chicks. 
:'''Beavis''': Yeah! That would be cool.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds! 
:'''Butt-head''': Where?
:'''Beavis''': Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': Really?
:'''Beavis''': They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds. 
:'''Butt-head''': Satan always likes to have some turds by.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

===Jake Walden, &quot;For Someone&quot;===
:''[as the video starts with Jake Walden looking sensually at the viewer]''
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me. 
:'''Beavis''': Come on, you wanna start something? 
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis. 
:'''Beavis''': No, I don't. 
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is. 
:'''Jake Walden''': ... even whores can fall for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': ''[imitating Walden's singing]'' &quot;Even whores fall for someone...&quot; Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude. 
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head, it does not. 
:'''Butt-head''': I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid. 
:'''Beavis''': No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jake Walden''': ... I'm just speaking from my heart...
:'''Butt-head''': Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart. 
:'''Beavis''': He speaks from his butt.
:'''Butt-head''': You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
:'''Jake Walden''': ''[sensually looking at the viewer]'' ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...
:'''Butt-head''': Look at his face.
:'''Beavis''': ''[does a horrified spit take]'' AHHHH! That was horrible!
:'''Butt-head''': I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. ''[begins to rewind the video]''
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, do ''not'' rewind it.
:'''Butt-head''': Maybe you're not listening with your heart. 
:'''Beavis''': No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! ''[Walden looks at the viewer sensually again]'' AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!
:'''Butt-head''': I have said all I have to say.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit, Butt-head... ''[wretches]'' I need to go throw up.

===[[w:James Walters|Jamie Walters]], &quot;Hold On&quot;===
:'''Jamie Walters''': I don't wanna see you…
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  I don't wanna see you either!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, really.
:'''Beavis''': Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, there's nothing else on.
:'''Beavis''': Um, what happened to those cards?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, they're right here.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, let's play another round.  I wanna win my two dollars back.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...okay.  Uh, this game is called &quot;Bunghole Surprise&quot;.  [''shuffles the cards'']
:'''Beavis''': Cool!
:'''Butt-head''': First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay. [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head.  The pair have now started their card game''] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  Dumbass.  Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards.  Uh, I bet 18 dollars.  And I won.  So you owe me 18 dollars.  Bunghole.
:'''Beavis''':  No way!  That's too much!  I don't wanna play this anymore!
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, okay.  If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
:'''Beavis''': Ah, ah no!  Okay, I'll play.  Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, okay.  Uh, I won.
:'''Beavis''': Dammit!  Really?  How come I keep losing?  I never win!
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wang Chung (band)|Wang Chung]], &quot;[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
:'''Beavis''': No way!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Why are these guys so snotty?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They look all pissed off.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!  And tired!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man is up against a wall in the background'']
:'''Butt-head''': What's that guy doing back there?
:'''Beavis''': He's wang chunging.
:'''Butt-head''': That guy's peeing!
:'''Beavis''': That's cool!  I peed in the gym once!
:'''Butt-head''': Really?  You're pretty cool, Beavis!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Where are the women in this video?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They need some chicks, too.

===[[w:Mike Watt|Mike Watt]], &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...who is this?
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt.  And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window.  So um, so don't change it yet.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, oh!  Cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [''sees Watt urinating in a bottle''] Is he peeing?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, yeah!  He did!  That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song.  It's called &quot;Piss Bottle Man&quot;.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess.  You know...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I believe in [[w:Illegal immigration|''illegal'' aliens]].
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  I believe in Mexicans.
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.  You're supposed to call 'em &quot;[[w:Hispanic|Hispandex]]&quot;.
:'''Beavis''': Uh, okay okay, sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to [[w:cunt|Hunt]]?  You know what I'm saying?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
:'''Beavis''': Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.

===[[w:Wax (rock band)|Wax]], &quot;California&quot;===
:[''a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
:'''Butt-head''': Shut up, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Oh my god…
:'''Butt-head''': You may be about to see the [[w:cool (aesthetic)|coolest]] video you have ever seen in your life.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ohh. Ohhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': [''cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen''] Uh, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
:'''Butt-head''': [''seeing a homeless man throwing a can''] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
:'''Beavis''': Ohhhohhhhh.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
:'''Beavis''': Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
:'''Butt-head''': This is cool! This is a damn good video.
:'''Beavis''': Ooohooooooo.
:'''Butt-head''': It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
:'''Beavis''': Nooooo…
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
:'''Beavis''': Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [''slaps Beavis multiple times'']
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
:'''Beavis''': I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
:'''Butt-head''': We just saw a dude running around on fire.
:'''Beavis''': No way, really,  and I missed it?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

===[[w:Ween|Ween]]===
====&quot;Freedom of '76&quot;====
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's [[w:Liberty Bell|that bell]] that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
:'''Butt-head''': No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
:'''Butt-head''': That's in that [[w:Deuteronomy|Doo-doo-ronemy]] section.
:'''Beavis''': The Bible kicks ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Hey, check it out. It's [[w:Dean Ween|Dean]] and [[w:Gene Ween|Gene Ween]].
:'''Butt-head''': Ween.
:'''Beavis''': Ween kicks ass.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
:'''Beavis''': [''screeches''] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': How does he do that? How does he [[w:falsetto|sing all high]] and stuff?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
:'''Beavis''': Really? That's cool.
:'''Butt-head''': You should try it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Um…no, I don't think so.
:'''Butt-head''': Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
:'''Beavis''': Not really. No, I guess not.
:'''Butt-head''': Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Butt-head''': Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
:'''Beavis''': Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
:'''Butt-head''': No.
:'''Beavis''': Well, do you use your nads for anything?
:'''Butt-head''': No. [''Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles''] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.

====&quot;I Can't Put My Finger On It&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': Uhhh...
:[''the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face'']
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis.  Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
:'''Beavis''': Um, okay.  Umm...let me see.  Check this out.  [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''':  Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  Then ''you'' do something!  [''putting on a slight accent''] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
:'''Butt-head''': Settle down, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': You think I'm just here for your amusement?  You wanna do something about it?
:'''Butt-head''': Dumbass.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a Greek gyro is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Hey, look at that.  Mmm, that looks good!  I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um...&quot;heroes&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [''Greek accent''] &quot;Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?&quot;
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  That would rule.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, you bunghole!  Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
:'''Beavis''': Um...um, okay.  Check this out. [''blows a huge raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's not even funny, Beavis.  You have to do it like this.
:'''Beavis''': Um...
:'''Butt-head''': [''puts his finger between his lips and babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Oh yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Now see, that's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I see what you mean.  Okay, check this out. [''babbles''] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.

====&quot;[[w:Push th' Little Daisies|Push th' Little Daisies]]&quot;====
:'''Butt-head''': What the hell is this crap?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a bowl of cucumbers is shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Mine has more bumps.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  [[w:Gene Ween|This guy]] sounds like ''you''.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, fartknocker!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': That dude's wearing a [[w:yarmulke|Yamaha]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gene Ween''': If you think that I'm a loser...
:'''Beavis''': He ''is'' a loser!  And a pansy!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  This guy sucks!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys got no future.
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, it's [[w:Chris Burke (actor)|Corky]]!
:'''Gene Ween''': Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up! 
:'''Butt-head''': [''changing the channel''] Push ''this''!

===[[w:Weezer|Weezer]], &quot;[[w:Buddy Holly (song)|Buddy Holly]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
:'''Beavis''': No but um…I don't think this is a video.
:'''Butt-head''': They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': I think this is…I think this is like, ''[[w:Happy Days|Happy Days]]''.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Crappy days.
:'''Beavis''': That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Singing theme song to [[w:Laverne and Shirley|Laverne and Shirley]]'']
:'''Beavis''': One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
:'''Butt-head''': We're gonna do it!
:'''Beavis''': Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Butt-head''': I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…[[w:Pat Morita|that dude]] from ''[[The Karate Kid]]''.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. [''Fake Japanese accent''] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. That dude could kick [[w:Fonzie|Fonzie]]'s ass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, I wonder why.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? &quot;Sit on it.&quot; 
:'''Beavis''': Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.

===[[w:Whale (band)|Whale]], &quot;Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Rock!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': Yes!
:'''Beavis''': [''sings along''] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [''forgets the words''] ah, ah…bitch!
:'''Butt-head''': This kinda like, ah, rocks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, it's not bad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
:'''Beavis''': [''the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men''] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, back in line!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt'']
:'''Butt-head''': He's pretending to feel her butt.
:'''Beavis''': She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
:'''Beavis''': She's probably got one of those overbites.
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in [[w:music videos|videos]] wore underpants!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
:'''Beavis''': She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.

===[[w:Wham!|Wham!]], &quot;[[w:Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go|Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [''laughing''] What's this?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:George Michael|He]]'s smiling at you, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This guy always likes to show off his butt.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  And his butt sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah?  How do you know?
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head!  I'll kick your ass!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': This is one of those workout tapes.  They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This video is making me sick.  [''changes channel'']

===[[w:Barry White|Barry White]], &quot;Put Me In Your Mix&quot;===
:'''Barry White''': Put it in.
:'''Butt-head''': Put it in?  Cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Put it in.  PUT IT IN!
:'''Barry White''': Take my love and put it in...
:'''Butt-head''': Man!  I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.  He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
:'''Butt-head''': What?  You're a weirdo, Beavis.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
:'''Beavis''': I get it!  It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it.  Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Eric the Rod.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  The Rod.  See?  See?  I got that.  Yeah.  The Rod.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Barry White''': Put me in...
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  This is one horny dude.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.

===[[w:Karyn White|Karyn White]], &quot;The Way I Feel About You&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Come to Butt-head!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Me too.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a black cat is shown'']
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out!  That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
:'''Butt-head''': You're looking at the cat?  How old are you, Beavis?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head.  I'm checking out the chick, too.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:[''Beavis changes the channel'']

===[[w:White Zombie (band)|White Zombie]], &quot;[[w:Black Sunshine|Black Sunshine]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': YES!  YES!  YES!
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!  It's about time they play something cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''camera is zooming through a yard'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Cool lawn mower!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': YES!
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Rob Zombie|This guy]] is cool.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Hey, Beavis.  Is that guy from Rastafaria?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''bright lights are flashing inside a barn''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a skull is briefly shown'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  Skulls are cool!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  [''closeups of eyes are shown''] Eyeballs are cool.  Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
:'''Butt-head''': That would be cool!  I'll go get the pliers.
:'''Beavis''': Yes!  Yes!

===[[w:Wilco|Wilco]], &quot;[[w:Box Full of Letters|Box Full of Letters]]&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…wow. Something's different about this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other [[w:music videos|videos]] you see lately.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
:'''Beavis''': Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [''exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen''] Okay, where's the syrup?!
:'''Butt-head''': [''calling out ''] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
:'''Beavis''': Um…where's the spatula?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, okay! [''Beavis can be heard running''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Look under the bed!
:'''Beavis''': Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [''walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head''] Hey, how's it going?
:'''Butt-head''': Hey. Pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': [''hums''] Dun dun da dun…''[yells from the kitchen''] How's that video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
:'''Beavis''': How much mayonnaise do I put in?
:'''Butt-head''': None!
:'''Beavis''': One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [''long beat''] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, I think so. [''the smoke alarm goes off'']
:'''Beavis''': AAH! OW!!

===[[w:Vanessa L. Williams|Vanessa Williams]], &quot;[[w:Work to Do|Work to Do]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Oooh!
:'''Beavis''': Aaaah!
:'''Butt-head''': Ooh, baby!  Do that thing you do!
:'''Beavis''': This chick is ''hot!''
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  What are those things?
:'''Butt-head''': They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Being rich is cool!
:'''Butt-head''': If you're like, rich...
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.
:'''Butt-head''': ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.

===[[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]], &quot;Release Me&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Their parents were in the Beatles.
:'''Beavis''': These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
:'''Beavis''': Which one's Theodore?
:'''Butt-head''': He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. &quot;I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!&quot;

===[[w:Winger (band)|Winger]], &quot;Seventeen&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': [[w:Kip Winger|His]] teeth are whiter than white!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  They're...white!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': These guys live on the edge!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  The edge of Wuss Cliff.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': This is [[w:Joey Buttafuoco|Joey Buttafuoco]]'s﻿ theme song.

==X==
==Y==
===[[Yanni]], &quot;Reflections of Passion&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Life. What a beautiful choice.
:'''Beavis''': Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [''Yanni fades in on screen''] Whoa, look at that, it's [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh no. This is Yanni.
:'''Beavis''': Come on, change it, Butt-head.
:'''Butt-head''': I can't believe they're even showing this.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, really.
:'''Butt-head''': This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [''turns the volume up as loud as it can go'']
:'''Beavis''': Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
:'''Butt-head''': No way, Beavis. You like this.
:'''Beavis''': Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
:'''Butt-head''': Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
:'''Beavis''': AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Butt-head''': You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
:'''Beavis''': Um, no. I was just kidding.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.

===[[w:Yes (band)|Yes]], &quot;[[w:Owner of a Lonely Heart|Owner of a Lonely Heart]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Yep, that's him, officer.
:'''Beavis''': Book him, Danno.
:'''Butt-head''': Kick him, Danno.
:'''Beavis''': And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
:'''Butt-head''': We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, where are they taking him?
:'''Butt-head''': I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. You mean, like, &quot;I'm a monkey's uncle&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
:'''Beavis''': If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
:'''Butt-head''': Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go &quot;Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!&quot;
:'''Beavis''': No sir! Buttmunch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': They're making him fight the janitor.
:'''Beavis''': Fight, yeah!
:'''Butt-head''': If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go &quot;Now who's bad?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''a man jumps off a tall building'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [''The man transforms into a bird''] What? He turned into a bird!
:'''Butt-head''': If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
:'''Beavis''': Cock-a-doodle-doo!

===[[w:Yolanda Be Cool|Yolanda Be Cool]] feat. [[w:DCUP|DCUP]], &quot;[[w:We No Speak Americano|We No Speak Americano]]&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]].
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
:'''Butt-head''': If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [''at the chorus''] Now this is the cool part of the song.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
:'''Beavis''': Oh yeah. That was cool.
:'''Butt-head''': She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
:'''Beavis''': No you don't. Check this out. [''Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat''] 
:'''Butt-head''': Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [''Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other'']
:'''Beavis''': No soy Americano…

===[[w:Gary Young|Gary Young]], &quot;Plantman&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Um…is this [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Plantman? What's that?
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [''imitates randomly hitting a drum kit''] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
:'''Butt-head''': That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes &quot;Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. And then he said &quot;Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)#&quot;Spoonman&quot;|Spoonman]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy, I just thought of something else.
:'''Butt-head''': How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
:'''Beavis''': Doing what?
:'''Butt-head''': That thing where you go &quot;Heyy,&quot;
:'''Beavis''': I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': This feels good. Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.
:'''Beavis''': Heyy!
:'''Butt-head''': Heyy.

===[[w:Young MC|Young MC]], &quot;Principal's Office&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey, Butt-head.  Is this &quot;[[w:A Different World|A Different World]]&quot;?
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  School.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': How come they do so many videos in school?
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  That sucks.
:'''Butt-head''': If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd ''go'' there!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Hey, Butt-head.  You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
:'''Butt-head''': It's worth a try, Beavis.

==Z==
===[[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]], &quot;Rock It Out&quot;===
:[''video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts'']
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  Yeah!  Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  Those black boxes suck.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Whoa, is this a [[w:Women in prison film|women in prison movie]]?
:'''Butt-head''': Uhh, yeah!  I think so!
:'''Beavis''': All right, yeah!  I'm up for this, yeah.  Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Is this ''[[w:Chained Heat|Chained Heat]]''?  What is this?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh, maybe this ''isn't'' a women in prison movie.  It's like, they're singing and stuff.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, yeah.  W - what's the deal here?
:'''Butt-head''': Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
:'''Beavis''': Um...oh, wait a minute.  Waaaaait a minute.  I know what this is.  This is &quot;[[w:Cop Rock|Cop Rock]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  &quot;Cop Rock&quot; sucks.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.
:'''Beavis''': So it's just like, you know, &quot;Cop&quot;, but without the &quot;Rock&quot;?  You know, they're just, like, &quot;Cop.&quot;  It - it was just &quot;Cop.&quot;
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Could be a show about people copping a feel.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah!  I'd tune in to that, yeah.

===[[Frank Zappa]], &quot;You Are What You Is&quot;===
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
:'''Beavis''': His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [''blows a long loud raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
:'''Beavis''': I'm spraying. [''blows another raspberry'']
:'''Butt-head''': That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
:'''Beavis''': Just now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Boy, this really sucks. [''changes the channel'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''after watching the Europeans' &quot;We Are Animals&quot; for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing'']
:'''Butt-head''': This is still on? That pisses me off!
:'''Beavis''': That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

===[[w:ZZ Top|ZZ Top]], &quot;Legs&quot;===
:'''Beavis''': Hey Butt-head.  She wants it.
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  And I'm gonna give it to her.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': [[w:Billy Gibbons|Billy Gibbons]] has a long beard.
:'''Butt-head''': Do you think he has a long johnson?
:'''Beavis''': Does he have a ''[[w:Don Johnson|Don Johnson]]''??
:'''Butt-head''': Yeah.  Don Johnson is married to [[w:Melanie Griffith|that chick]].
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beavis''': Check it out, Butt-head!  [[w:Al Bundy|Al Bundy]]!
:'''Butt-head''': Is that [[w:Ted Bundy|that dude that killed all those people]]?
:'''Beavis''': No, peckerwood!  That's the dude from &quot;[[w:All My Children|All My Children]]&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Whoa!  The dude from &quot;All My Children&quot; killed people?
:'''Beavis''': No, that was the dude from &quot;Rock&quot;!
:'''Butt-head''': Oh yeah.  He's cool!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Butt-head''': Better change it, dude.  This video is telling a story.
:'''Beavis''': Yeah.  Stories suck.  [''changes channel'']

==Cast==
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Beavis|Beavis]] 
*[[w:Mike Judge|Mike Judge]]—[[w:Butt-head|Butt-head]]

==External links==
*{{Official website|http://www.mtv.com/shows/beavis_and_butthead/}}
*{{IMDb title|0105950|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

&lt;center&gt;[[Beavis and Butt-head (pilots)|Pilots]] • Seasons [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 1)|1]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 2)|2]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 3)|3]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 4)|4]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)|5]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 6)|6]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)|7]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)|8]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (specials)|Specials]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)|Music videos]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)|MTV programming]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head Do America|Feature film]] • [[The Beavis and Butt-head Experience|Album]] • [[Beavis and Butt-head|Main]]&lt;/center&gt;

[[Category:Beavis and Butt-head]]&lt;!--This categorization probably isn't optimal.--&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Autism</title>
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    <id>176392</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:42:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Peter1c</username>
        <id>193478</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>A lot of missing TOC headings</comment>
      <origin>3607189</origin>
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      <text bytes="19071" sha1="8w5j9ri4akx1pu7qsxv5acxn5bpyyyd" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Punding.jpg|thumb|324x324px|Always arranging items in the same way is a childhood behavior that is often associated with Autism or Autism-spectrum disorders.]]
'''[[w:Autism|Autism]]''' is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by impaired [[social interaction]], verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior. 

== Quotes ==
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==B==
* Rationale for Treatment with [[LSD]] and [[w:UML|UML]]  &lt;br&gt; Our interest in these drugs was due in part to their psychotomimetic effect, hoping thereby that the autistic defenses of schizophrenic children might be broken down. Of equal interest, on a theoretical basis, is the serotonin inhibiting effect and of greater interest is their effect on the autonomic and central nervous system. Brodie has described the effects of LSD and other hallucinogenic agents as &quot;arousal and increased responsiveness to sensory stimuli, preponderance of sympathetic activity and increased skeletal muscle tone and activity.&quot; Of particular interest is their tonic effect on the vascular bed especially of the brain, as has been shown with UML in vascular headaches. The known effects of these drugs on perception further increases their interest in the treatment of schizophrenia.  &lt;br&gt; Such drugs were of interest to us for the treatment of childhood schizophrenia since our definition of this condition is a disorder in maturation characterized by an embryonic primitive plasticity in all areas of integrative brain functioning from which behavior subsequently arises. This includes all autonomic functions, perception, emotion, intelligence. It was hoped that 'these drugs might prove some-what specific in modifying the basic process as well as the secondary symptoms. Autism is seen as a withdrawal or denial defense against disturbing sensations arising from disturbed autonomic function and perceptual function and anxiety in the young child with lagging and atypical maturation. It was hoped that this autism might be disrupted and that more normal autonomic functions in the vascular bed, brain, intestines, skin and other organs as well as in perception would permit more normal development.
:* [[L. Bender]], L. Cobrinik, G. Faretra, D.V. Siva Sankar, [http://www.neurodiversity.com/library_bender_1966a.html &quot;The Treatment of Childhood Schizophrenia with LSD and UML&quot;], ''Biological Treatment of Mental Illness, Proceedings II of the International Conference of the Manfred Sakel Foundation'', 10/31-11/3/1962, 1966; 2(4):463-91.

* I've researched autism for more than a decade. Specifically, I've investigated how some antibodies in expecting mothers could complicate fetal development and lead to the condition. Through all my research and that of my colleagues, one thing is clear: [[Vaccines]] are not the cause of autism. And yet, that connection is on the tip of many tongues.
** Lior Brimberg, [https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/covid-vaccine-safe-whatever-anti-vaxxers-say-here-s-why-ncna1252673 &quot;The Covid vaccine is safe, whatever anti-vaxxers say. Here's why we can trust it.&quot;], ''NBC News'', (Jan. 4, 2021)

* &quot;Vaccine scares&quot; have existed ever since the first smallpox vaccine was developed. Religious beliefs and distrust in medicine dissuaded some from inoculations; others believed they violated their personal liberty. Legally mandating vaccines in the mid-19 century galvanized these objectors into anti-vaccine movements, members of which claimed the right to make their own decisions about their children's bodies and their own. &lt;br&gt; The autism variant of these historical conspiracy theories started in 1998 with a report in a prestigious medical journal suggesting that 12 children developed autism shortly after they received the measles, mumps and rubella, or MMR, vaccine. But the findings were plagued with problems: The research of the lead scientist was funded by a lawyer suing a vaccine manufacturer, while the researcher himself held a patent for a new MMR vaccine. He altered the children's medical histories to boot. Since then, scores of medical research findings have invalidated the report, and the researcher's license was revoked.
** Lior Brimberg, [https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/covid-vaccine-safe-whatever-anti-vaxxers-say-here-s-why-ncna1252673 &quot;The Covid vaccine is safe, whatever anti-vaxxers say. Here's why we can trust it.&quot;], ''NBC News'', (Jan. 4, 2021)

* According to the [[w:Francis Crick|Crick]]-Mitchison theory of the biological function of [[w:Rapid eye movement sleep|rapid eye movement sleep]], normal brain development in the fetus and infant depends on undisrupted function of a ‘[[w:Reverse learning|reverse learning]]’ mechanism during rapid eye movement sleep. Could abnormalities in this hypothetical reverse learning during rapid eye movement sleep in the fetus explain some aspects of the autistic syndromes? Does the Crick-Mitchison theory suggest if a drug could interfere with rapid eye movement sleep and cross the placental barrier, then that drug might cause developmental brain disorders in the fetus? Should all pregnant women completely avoid caffeine or any agent that might disrupt serotonergic or cholinergic systems?
:* D. W. Brown: {{cite journal|title=Autism, Asperger's syndrome and the Crick-Mitchison theory of the biological function of REM sleep|journal=Medical Hypotheses|volume=47|issue=5|year=1996|pages=399–403|issn=03069877|doi=10.1016/S0306-9877(96)90220-0}}

==E==
* Facial emotion perception is significantly affected in autism spectrum disorder, yet little is known about how individuals with autism spectrum disorder misinterpret facial expressions that result in their difficulty in accurately recognizing emotion in faces. This study examined facial emotion perception in 45 verbal adults with autism spectrum disorder and 30 age- and gender-matched volunteers without autism spectrum disorder to identify patterns of emotion misinterpretation during face processing that contribute to emotion recognition impairments in autism. Results revealed that difficulty distinguishing emotional from neutral facial expressions characterized much of the emotion perception impairments exhibited by participants with autism spectrum disorder. In particular, adults with autism spectrum disorder uniquely misinterpreted happy faces as neutral, and were significantly more likely than typical volunteers to attribute negative valence to nonemotional faces. The over-attribution of emotions to neutral faces was significantly related to greater communication and emotional intelligence impairments in individuals with autism spectrum disorder. These findings suggest a potential negative bias toward the interpretation of facial expressions and may have implications for interventions designed to remediate emotion perception in autism spectrum disorder.
:* Shaun M Eack, Carla A Mazefsky, [[w:Nancy Minshew|Nancy J Minshew]], [http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1362361314520755 &quot;Misinterpretation of facial expressions of emotion in verbal adults with autism spectrum disorder&quot;], ''The National Autistic Society'', (February 17, 2014), Volume: 19 issue: 3, page(s): 308-315.

==G==
* Autistics are solitary people that need space from others in general. Public Housing does not provide this sort of housing as a general rule, and this has to change.
** Phil Gluyas, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

* If by some magic, autism had been eradicated from the face of the earth, then men would still be socializing in front of a wood fire at the entrance to a cave.
** [[Temple Grandin]], ''Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism'' (2006).

==H==
* The effort to cure autism, &amp;#91;[[w:Autism rights movement|autism right advocates]]&amp;#93; say, is not like curing [[cancer]], but like the efforts of a previous age to cure left-handedness.
** [[w:Amy Harmon|Amy Harmon]],  &quot;How About Not 'Curing' Us, Some Autistics Are Pleading,&quot; ''The New York Times'', [http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/20/health/20autism.html December 20, 2004]

==J==
* A major cause of the recent large increase in the number of boys diagnosed with autism probably is due to changing diagnostic practices.
** [[w:Hershel Jick|Hershel Jick]] and James A. Kaye: {{cite journal|title=Epidemiology and Possible Causes of Autism|journal=Pharmacotherapy|volume=23|issue=12|year=2003|pages=1524–1530|issn=0277-0008|doi=10.1592/phco.23.15.1524.31955}}

==K==
* Thimerosal is a controversial mercury based (sic) vaccine preservative that research scientists and vaccine safety advocates have connected to the epidemic of brain disorders (Autism) in children.
** [[Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.]], &quot;Why Does Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Get Brain Science So Wrong?&quot; by Emily Willingham, forbes.com [https://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillingham/2015/07/21/why-does-robert-f-kennedy-jr-get-brain-science-so-wrong/#451fa6e83a13 July 21, 2015]

* One of the things that I think affected me was in primary school when I got the diagnosis. In primary school I got bullied. The programs were all about how socially you have to be able to stand up for yourself or whatever. The implied thing with that, in my opinion, was that it was saying that if you do not behave in the right way, you are asking to be bullied... When I went out of primary school there was less bullying, because I was able to go to the library and I actually found other autistic people to hang out with, which was good. But there are still issues that arise from it, like anxiety.
** Ryan Kennedy, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

==L==
* Indirect evidence for an environmental contribution to autism comes from studies demonstrating the sensitivity of the developing brain to external exposures such as lead, ethyl alcohol and methyl mercury. But the most powerful proof-of-concept evidence derives from studies specifically linking autism to exposures in early pregnancy – thalidomide, misoprostol, and valproic acid; maternal rubella infection; and the organophosphate insecticide, chlorpyrifos. There is no credible evidence that vaccines cause autism.
** [[w:Philip J. Landrigan|Philip J. Landrigan]]: {{cite journal|title=What causes autism? Exploring the environmental contribution|journal=Current Opinion in Pediatrics|volume=22|issue=2|year=2010|pages=219–225|issn=1040-8703|doi=10.1097/MOP.0b013e328336eb9a}}

==M==
* The reason why the medical community doesn't support is because us moms aren't treating autism, we are treating a vaccine injury.
** [[w:Jenny McCarthy|Jenny McCarthy]], &quot;Wrong again, Jenny McCarthy: First it was vaccines and autism, now it's HIV&quot; by Mary Elizabeth Williams, salon.com [https://www.salon.com/2015/11/19/wrong_again_jenny_mccarthy_first_it_was_vaccines_and_autism_now_its_hiv/ November 20, 2015]

* It's [Autism has] prevented me from making a living or ever having a girlfriend. It's given me bad fine motor coordination problems where I can hardly write. I have an impaired ability to relate to people. I can't concentrate or get things done.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;Shortage Of Brain Tissue Hinders Autism Research&quot;, NPR [http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/02/04/170835708/shortage-of-brain-tissue-sets-autism-research-back February 4, 2013]

* But [not accomplishing] that does not stop me from wishing for a cure for future generations of children so they will not have to live like I have.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;Autism: Still Waiting&quot;, Los Angeles Magazine [http://www.lamag.com/longform/autism-still-waiting/ September 1, 2010]

* Hopefully on my tombstone they will write, ‘We don't need no stinkin’ neurodiversity'.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;The Debate Over an Autism Cure Turns Hostile&quot;, Newsweek [https://www.newsweek.com/2015/02/27/one-activists-search-cure-his-autism-drawing-violent-backlash-306998.html February 18, 2015]

==N==
* In America we've spent over a billion dollars on autism research. What have we got for that? We've not seen anything that's appreciably impacted the quality of life of autistic people, regardless of their place on the spectrum. Quite frankly, we've spent $1bn figuring out how to make mice autistic and we'll spend another $1bn figuring out how to make them not autistic. And that's not what the average person wakes up in the morning aspiring to. They think: am I going to be able to find a job, to communicate, to live independently, either on my own or with support? Those are the real priorities.
** [[Ari Ne'eman]], &quot;Andrew Wakefield: autism inc&quot; by Alex Hannaford, The Guardian [https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/apr/06/what-happened-man-mmr-panic April 6, 2013]

==O==
* Diversity in the workplace is way more than different races and religions disability affects people of different races and religious beliefs too. Employers need to realise this and think outside the box when considering employing people. Australia is one of the worst in the OECD for disability employment 21 out of 25 countries. We put more effort to being the best in sports in than [sic]looking after people with disability if only the effort put on that instead the benefits across the board would be massive.
** Meaghan O'Brien, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

==R==
* The bottom line is that because autism is a behaviorally, i.e., dimensionally defined, diagnosis, its classification is based on agreed-upon cut-off criteria along a behavioral continuum, not on dichotomous biologically based criteria. For all these reasons, prevalence figures are and will continue to remain approximate and disputed.
** [[w:Isabelle Rapin|Isabelle Rapin]]: in {{cite book|title=Autism Spectrum Disorders|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Prf0InCqQS0C&amp;pg=PA5|year=2011|page=5|publisher=Oxford University Press, USA|isbn=978-0-19-537182-6}} (eds. Amaral, David; Dawson, Geraldine; Geschwind, Daniel)

== S ==

* While autism is a developmental disorder, sometimes a devastating one, there is always within the autism a unique and sometimes strangely gifted individual. The great psychoanalyst Winicott used to feel that there was something like a tulip in every person and this was their essence and that this internal part of them was inaccessible to the person themselves and should not be meddled with or touched by psychoanalysis or anything else and one wonders if there is not some autistic essence like this tulip which needs to be respected and not meddled with.
**[[Oliver Sacks]], &quot;Rage For Order,&quot; episode of ''Oliver Sacks: The Mind Traveller''

* When parents say,
:: I wish my child did not have autism, 
:what they're really saying is,
::  I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different (non-autistic) child instead. ...
: This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence. This is what we hear when you pray for a cure. This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.
:* [[Jim Sinclair (activist)|Jim Sinclair]], &quot;Don't Mourn for Us,&quot; [[w:Autism Network International|Autism Network International]] newsletter, ''Our Voice'', Volume 1, Number 3, 1993

* You didn't lose a child to autism. You lost a child because the child you waited for never came into existence. That isn't the fault of the autistic child who does exist, and it shouldn't be our burden. We need and deserve families who can see us and value us for ourselves, not families whose vision of us is obscured by the ghosts of children who never lived. Grieve if you must, for your own lost dreams. But don't mourn for us. We are alive. We are real. And we're here waiting for you.
** [[Jim Sinclair (activist)|Jim Sinclair]], &quot;Don't Mourn for Us,&quot; [[w:Autism Network International|Autism Network International]] newsletter, ''Our Voice'', Volume 1, Number 3, 1993

* I really hate any functioning labels whatsoever, because they do not represent individuals. High functioning just means without an [[intellectual disability]]. There is nothing more to it. If you want to talk about yourself or your child and your strengths and weaknesses, you focus on your strengths and weaknesses because that is going to tell the person more about you than the words ‘high’ or ‘low’ functioning. So I encourage every school and everybody I meet to not use that, because it does not give you any information. Does ‘high’ or ‘low’ tell you how to help the child or the adult? No, it does not.
** Stacey Smith, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

== T ==
	
* Massive combined inoculations to small children is the cause for big increase in autism
** [[Trump]] according to in Maegan Vazquez, &quot;[https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/26/politics/donald-trump-measles-vaccines Trump now says parents must vaccinate children in face of measles outbreak]&quot;, CNN (April 26, 2019).
 
== W ==

* Thirty years ago it seemed right that there be no stigma in education and that everyone should get the same start in life, but there are problems in mixing everyone together. I was never happy about the inclusion of children with severe autistic problems in schools, for example, and I certainly don't think it is working today.
** [[Mary Warnock, Baroness Warnock|Mary Warnock]], [http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/jun/12/schools.education &quot;There's something about Mary...&quot;], Robin McKie, ''The Guardian'', 11 June 2005.

* …realizing how my co-morbids are just damned hard for me and confusing to others has helped me chill out about their frustration…in real-time processing I had no idea other people were being so effected by my chaos.  I do feel I unreasonably expected people to work from my ‘normality’ without having to explain it to them or help them adapt.
** [[w:Donna Williams|Donna Williams]], &quot;Autism Without Fear: Remembering Donna Williams&quot;, Huffington Post [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/autism-without-fear-remembering-donna-williams_us_5a31437ae4b04bd8793e962b December 13, 2017]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Diseases and disorders]]
[[Category:Psychology]]
[[Category:Autism]]</text>
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        <id>193478</id>
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      <comment>During a war where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. ... Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed. ~ R.Chapman</comment>
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      <text bytes="20494" sha1="d70bnqvqffjo65ourjsm3kv82yf716i" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Punding.jpg|thumb|324x324px|Always arranging items in the same way is a childhood behavior that is often associated with Autism or Autism-spectrum disorders.]]
'''[[w:Autism|Autism]]''' is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by impaired [[social interaction]], verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior. 

== Quotes ==
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==B==
* Rationale for Treatment with [[LSD]] and [[w:UML|UML]]  &lt;br&gt; Our interest in these drugs was due in part to their psychotomimetic effect, hoping thereby that the autistic defenses of schizophrenic children might be broken down. Of equal interest, on a theoretical basis, is the serotonin inhibiting effect and of greater interest is their effect on the autonomic and central nervous system. Brodie has described the effects of LSD and other hallucinogenic agents as &quot;arousal and increased responsiveness to sensory stimuli, preponderance of sympathetic activity and increased skeletal muscle tone and activity.&quot; Of particular interest is their tonic effect on the vascular bed especially of the brain, as has been shown with UML in vascular headaches. The known effects of these drugs on perception further increases their interest in the treatment of schizophrenia.  &lt;br&gt; Such drugs were of interest to us for the treatment of childhood schizophrenia since our definition of this condition is a disorder in maturation characterized by an embryonic primitive plasticity in all areas of integrative brain functioning from which behavior subsequently arises. This includes all autonomic functions, perception, emotion, intelligence. It was hoped that 'these drugs might prove some-what specific in modifying the basic process as well as the secondary symptoms. Autism is seen as a withdrawal or denial defense against disturbing sensations arising from disturbed autonomic function and perceptual function and anxiety in the young child with lagging and atypical maturation. It was hoped that this autism might be disrupted and that more normal autonomic functions in the vascular bed, brain, intestines, skin and other organs as well as in perception would permit more normal development.
:* [[L. Bender]], L. Cobrinik, G. Faretra, D.V. Siva Sankar, [http://www.neurodiversity.com/library_bender_1966a.html &quot;The Treatment of Childhood Schizophrenia with LSD and UML&quot;], ''Biological Treatment of Mental Illness, Proceedings II of the International Conference of the Manfred Sakel Foundation'', 10/31-11/3/1962, 1966; 2(4):463-91.

* I've researched autism for more than a decade. Specifically, I've investigated how some antibodies in expecting mothers could complicate fetal development and lead to the condition. Through all my research and that of my colleagues, one thing is clear: [[Vaccines]] are not the cause of autism. And yet, that connection is on the tip of many tongues.
** Lior Brimberg, [https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/covid-vaccine-safe-whatever-anti-vaxxers-say-here-s-why-ncna1252673 &quot;The Covid vaccine is safe, whatever anti-vaxxers say. Here's why we can trust it.&quot;], ''NBC News'', (Jan. 4, 2021)

* &quot;Vaccine scares&quot; have existed ever since the first smallpox vaccine was developed. Religious beliefs and distrust in medicine dissuaded some from inoculations; others believed they violated their personal liberty. Legally mandating vaccines in the mid-19 century galvanized these objectors into anti-vaccine movements, members of which claimed the right to make their own decisions about their children's bodies and their own. &lt;br&gt; The autism variant of these historical conspiracy theories started in 1998 with a report in a prestigious medical journal suggesting that 12 children developed autism shortly after they received the measles, mumps and rubella, or MMR, vaccine. But the findings were plagued with problems: The research of the lead scientist was funded by a lawyer suing a vaccine manufacturer, while the researcher himself held a patent for a new MMR vaccine. He altered the children's medical histories to boot. Since then, scores of medical research findings have invalidated the report, and the researcher's license was revoked.
** Lior Brimberg, [https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/covid-vaccine-safe-whatever-anti-vaxxers-say-here-s-why-ncna1252673 &quot;The Covid vaccine is safe, whatever anti-vaxxers say. Here's why we can trust it.&quot;], ''NBC News'', (Jan. 4, 2021)

* According to the [[w:Francis Crick|Crick]]-Mitchison theory of the biological function of [[w:Rapid eye movement sleep|rapid eye movement sleep]], normal brain development in the fetus and infant depends on undisrupted function of a ‘[[w:Reverse learning|reverse learning]]’ mechanism during rapid eye movement sleep. Could abnormalities in this hypothetical reverse learning during rapid eye movement sleep in the fetus explain some aspects of the autistic syndromes? Does the Crick-Mitchison theory suggest if a drug could interfere with rapid eye movement sleep and cross the placental barrier, then that drug might cause developmental brain disorders in the fetus? Should all pregnant women completely avoid caffeine or any agent that might disrupt serotonergic or cholinergic systems?
:* D. W. Brown: {{cite journal|title=Autism, Asperger's syndrome and the Crick-Mitchison theory of the biological function of REM sleep|journal=Medical Hypotheses|volume=47|issue=5|year=1996|pages=399–403|issn=03069877|doi=10.1016/S0306-9877(96)90220-0}}

==C==
* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** [[Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]], ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023), p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** [[Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]], ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023), p. 62

==E==
* Facial emotion perception is significantly affected in autism spectrum disorder, yet little is known about how individuals with autism spectrum disorder misinterpret facial expressions that result in their difficulty in accurately recognizing emotion in faces. This study examined facial emotion perception in 45 verbal adults with autism spectrum disorder and 30 age- and gender-matched volunteers without autism spectrum disorder to identify patterns of emotion misinterpretation during face processing that contribute to emotion recognition impairments in autism. Results revealed that difficulty distinguishing emotional from neutral facial expressions characterized much of the emotion perception impairments exhibited by participants with autism spectrum disorder. In particular, adults with autism spectrum disorder uniquely misinterpreted happy faces as neutral, and were significantly more likely than typical volunteers to attribute negative valence to nonemotional faces. The over-attribution of emotions to neutral faces was significantly related to greater communication and emotional intelligence impairments in individuals with autism spectrum disorder. These findings suggest a potential negative bias toward the interpretation of facial expressions and may have implications for interventions designed to remediate emotion perception in autism spectrum disorder.
:* Shaun M Eack, Carla A Mazefsky, [[w:Nancy Minshew|Nancy J Minshew]], [http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1362361314520755 &quot;Misinterpretation of facial expressions of emotion in verbal adults with autism spectrum disorder&quot;], ''The National Autistic Society'', (February 17, 2014), Volume: 19 issue: 3, page(s): 308-315.

==G==
* Autistics are solitary people that need space from others in general. Public Housing does not provide this sort of housing as a general rule, and this has to change.
** Phil Gluyas, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

* If by some magic, autism had been eradicated from the face of the earth, then men would still be socializing in front of a wood fire at the entrance to a cave.
** [[Temple Grandin]], ''Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism'' (2006).

==H==
* The effort to cure autism, &amp;#91;[[w:Autism rights movement|autism right advocates]]&amp;#93; say, is not like curing [[cancer]], but like the efforts of a previous age to cure left-handedness.
** [[w:Amy Harmon|Amy Harmon]],  &quot;How About Not 'Curing' Us, Some Autistics Are Pleading,&quot; ''The New York Times'', [http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/20/health/20autism.html December 20, 2004]

==J==
* A major cause of the recent large increase in the number of boys diagnosed with autism probably is due to changing diagnostic practices.
** [[w:Hershel Jick|Hershel Jick]] and James A. Kaye: {{cite journal|title=Epidemiology and Possible Causes of Autism|journal=Pharmacotherapy|volume=23|issue=12|year=2003|pages=1524–1530|issn=0277-0008|doi=10.1592/phco.23.15.1524.31955}}

==K==
* Thimerosal is a controversial mercury based (sic) vaccine preservative that research scientists and vaccine safety advocates have connected to the epidemic of brain disorders (Autism) in children.
** [[Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.]], &quot;Why Does Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Get Brain Science So Wrong?&quot; by Emily Willingham, forbes.com [https://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillingham/2015/07/21/why-does-robert-f-kennedy-jr-get-brain-science-so-wrong/#451fa6e83a13 July 21, 2015]

* One of the things that I think affected me was in primary school when I got the diagnosis. In primary school I got bullied. The programs were all about how socially you have to be able to stand up for yourself or whatever. The implied thing with that, in my opinion, was that it was saying that if you do not behave in the right way, you are asking to be bullied... When I went out of primary school there was less bullying, because I was able to go to the library and I actually found other autistic people to hang out with, which was good. But there are still issues that arise from it, like anxiety.
** Ryan Kennedy, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

==L==
* Indirect evidence for an environmental contribution to autism comes from studies demonstrating the sensitivity of the developing brain to external exposures such as lead, ethyl alcohol and methyl mercury. But the most powerful proof-of-concept evidence derives from studies specifically linking autism to exposures in early pregnancy – thalidomide, misoprostol, and valproic acid; maternal rubella infection; and the organophosphate insecticide, chlorpyrifos. There is no credible evidence that vaccines cause autism.
** [[w:Philip J. Landrigan|Philip J. Landrigan]]: {{cite journal|title=What causes autism? Exploring the environmental contribution|journal=Current Opinion in Pediatrics|volume=22|issue=2|year=2010|pages=219–225|issn=1040-8703|doi=10.1097/MOP.0b013e328336eb9a}}

==M==
* The reason why the medical community doesn't support is because us moms aren't treating autism, we are treating a vaccine injury.
** [[w:Jenny McCarthy|Jenny McCarthy]], &quot;Wrong again, Jenny McCarthy: First it was vaccines and autism, now it's HIV&quot; by Mary Elizabeth Williams, salon.com [https://www.salon.com/2015/11/19/wrong_again_jenny_mccarthy_first_it_was_vaccines_and_autism_now_its_hiv/ November 20, 2015]

* It's [Autism has] prevented me from making a living or ever having a girlfriend. It's given me bad fine motor coordination problems where I can hardly write. I have an impaired ability to relate to people. I can't concentrate or get things done.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;Shortage Of Brain Tissue Hinders Autism Research&quot;, NPR [http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/02/04/170835708/shortage-of-brain-tissue-sets-autism-research-back February 4, 2013]

* But [not accomplishing] that does not stop me from wishing for a cure for future generations of children so they will not have to live like I have.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;Autism: Still Waiting&quot;, Los Angeles Magazine [http://www.lamag.com/longform/autism-still-waiting/ September 1, 2010]

* Hopefully on my tombstone they will write, ‘We don't need no stinkin’ neurodiversity'.
** [[Jonathan Mitchell]], &quot;The Debate Over an Autism Cure Turns Hostile&quot;, Newsweek [https://www.newsweek.com/2015/02/27/one-activists-search-cure-his-autism-drawing-violent-backlash-306998.html February 18, 2015]

==N==
* In America we've spent over a billion dollars on autism research. What have we got for that? We've not seen anything that's appreciably impacted the quality of life of autistic people, regardless of their place on the spectrum. Quite frankly, we've spent $1bn figuring out how to make mice autistic and we'll spend another $1bn figuring out how to make them not autistic. And that's not what the average person wakes up in the morning aspiring to. They think: am I going to be able to find a job, to communicate, to live independently, either on my own or with support? Those are the real priorities.
** [[Ari Ne'eman]], &quot;Andrew Wakefield: autism inc&quot; by Alex Hannaford, The Guardian [https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/apr/06/what-happened-man-mmr-panic April 6, 2013]

==O==
* Diversity in the workplace is way more than different races and religions disability affects people of different races and religious beliefs too. Employers need to realise this and think outside the box when considering employing people. Australia is one of the worst in the OECD for disability employment 21 out of 25 countries. We put more effort to being the best in sports in than [sic]looking after people with disability if only the effort put on that instead the benefits across the board would be massive.
** Meaghan O'Brien, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

==R==
* The bottom line is that because autism is a behaviorally, i.e., dimensionally defined, diagnosis, its classification is based on agreed-upon cut-off criteria along a behavioral continuum, not on dichotomous biologically based criteria. For all these reasons, prevalence figures are and will continue to remain approximate and disputed.
** [[w:Isabelle Rapin|Isabelle Rapin]]: in {{cite book|title=Autism Spectrum Disorders|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Prf0InCqQS0C&amp;pg=PA5|year=2011|page=5|publisher=Oxford University Press, USA|isbn=978-0-19-537182-6}} (eds. Amaral, David; Dawson, Geraldine; Geschwind, Daniel)

== S ==

* While autism is a developmental disorder, sometimes a devastating one, there is always within the autism a unique and sometimes strangely gifted individual. The great psychoanalyst Winicott used to feel that there was something like a tulip in every person and this was their essence and that this internal part of them was inaccessible to the person themselves and should not be meddled with or touched by psychoanalysis or anything else and one wonders if there is not some autistic essence like this tulip which needs to be respected and not meddled with.
**[[Oliver Sacks]], &quot;Rage For Order,&quot; episode of ''Oliver Sacks: The Mind Traveller''

* When parents say,
:: I wish my child did not have autism, 
:what they're really saying is,
::  I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different (non-autistic) child instead. ...
: This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence. This is what we hear when you pray for a cure. This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.
:* [[Jim Sinclair (activist)|Jim Sinclair]], &quot;Don't Mourn for Us,&quot; [[w:Autism Network International|Autism Network International]] newsletter, ''Our Voice'', Volume 1, Number 3, 1993

* You didn't lose a child to autism. You lost a child because the child you waited for never came into existence. That isn't the fault of the autistic child who does exist, and it shouldn't be our burden. We need and deserve families who can see us and value us for ourselves, not families whose vision of us is obscured by the ghosts of children who never lived. Grieve if you must, for your own lost dreams. But don't mourn for us. We are alive. We are real. And we're here waiting for you.
** [[Jim Sinclair (activist)|Jim Sinclair]], &quot;Don't Mourn for Us,&quot; [[w:Autism Network International|Autism Network International]] newsletter, ''Our Voice'', Volume 1, Number 3, 1993

* I really hate any functioning labels whatsoever, because they do not represent individuals. High functioning just means without an [[intellectual disability]]. There is nothing more to it. If you want to talk about yourself or your child and your strengths and weaknesses, you focus on your strengths and weaknesses because that is going to tell the person more about you than the words ‘high’ or ‘low’ functioning. So I encourage every school and everybody I meet to not use that, because it does not give you any information. Does ‘high’ or ‘low’ tell you how to help the child or the adult? No, it does not.
** Stacey Smith, ''Inquiry into services for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder Final Report'' Family and Community Development Committee, Parliament of Victoria [https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/images/stories/committees/fcdc/inquiries/58th/Autism/FCDC_58-03_Autism_report.pdf June 22, 2017]

== T ==
	
* Massive combined inoculations to small children is the cause for big increase in autism
** [[Trump]] according to in Maegan Vazquez, &quot;[https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/26/politics/donald-trump-measles-vaccines Trump now says parents must vaccinate children in face of measles outbreak]&quot;, CNN (April 26, 2019).
 
== W ==

* Thirty years ago it seemed right that there be no stigma in education and that everyone should get the same start in life, but there are problems in mixing everyone together. I was never happy about the inclusion of children with severe autistic problems in schools, for example, and I certainly don't think it is working today.
** [[Mary Warnock, Baroness Warnock|Mary Warnock]], [http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/jun/12/schools.education &quot;There's something about Mary...&quot;], Robin McKie, ''The Guardian'', 11 June 2005.

* …realizing how my co-morbids are just damned hard for me and confusing to others has helped me chill out about their frustration…in real-time processing I had no idea other people were being so effected by my chaos.  I do feel I unreasonably expected people to work from my ‘normality’ without having to explain it to them or help them adapt.
** [[w:Donna Williams|Donna Williams]], &quot;Autism Without Fear: Remembering Donna Williams&quot;, Huffington Post [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/autism-without-fear-remembering-donna-williams_us_5a31437ae4b04bd8793e962b December 13, 2017]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Diseases and disorders]]
[[Category:Psychology]]
[[Category:Autism]]</text>
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    <title>The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2</title>
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----
:'''Seasons''':  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from [[2002]]–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''Beach Party Mummy'' [2.1]===
:''[Episode starts with Jimmy using his new Electro-Life device to try and resurrect Carl's deceased pet fish, Swimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': Live. Live. ''Live!'' Oh, sorry, Carl. I couldn't bring your goldfish back to life.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffles sadly]'' Goodbye, Swimmy. I'll miss you, boy.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': Now I thought re-stimulating his brain waves with my new Electro-Life device would bring him back. But I guess not.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, we might have a pop quiz today. Can I stimulate ''my'' brain?
:'''Jimmy''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': It's the circle of life, Carl. Everything dies… except Ultra Lord! He shall never die! He lives forever! Nothing can kill him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[holding a documentary VHS box of Mummies]'' Today, we will watch part one of Ken Burns' 97-hour documentary on the history of mummies.
:'''Cindy''': Yawn. I'd rather chew off my own foot.
:'''Libby''': ''[whispering]'' No, I wanna check this out. My family tree goes back to Egypt. Mummies are cool.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[inserts the tape in the VCR]'' Butch, would you get the lights?
:'''Butch''': Sure thing, teach. ''[pulls out a slingshot and shatters the lights off]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[annoyed with hand in face]'' Thank you.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't wanna see videos of mummies. I wanna see ''real'' mummies!
:'''Carl''': Oh, I don't. They might rise from the dead and attack us!
:''[Miss Fowl presses a button on the remote, turning on the TV; As the documentary starts, she and all her other students quickly start to fall asleep]''
:'''Narrator''': ''&quot;Dear Ahmadiyya, today I moved a one-ton boulder across the broiling desert sands. Then I had lunch. Then they cut my tongue out.&quot;''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[looks up at a drawing of Egypt]'' What am I doing sitting here? I'm a science genius. ''[turns around to his friends]'' Who's up for a quick trip to Egypt?
:'''Cindy''': What could be more boring than going with you to Egypt?
:'''Narrator''': ''&quot;Tonight, it is my turn to tell stories around the fire. This will be difficult without my tongue.&quot;''
:'''Cindy''': Let's roll.
:''[Jimmy, Carl, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby all tip-toe quietly out of the classroom and into the hallway]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[quietly]'' I'll go home and get my hover car and meet you guys in back of the school. ''[runs off]''
:'''Carl''': But, what if we get caught?
:'''Sheen''': We're not gonna get caught.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Guys, we can't leave school! It's ditching, and it'll go on our permanent record!
:'''Sheen''': Carl, how many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster or North Dakota.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives in his hover car]'' All aboard for Egypt!
:'''Libby''': Did you guys know I'm related to Cleopatra?
:'''Cindy''': No. Why don't you tell ''us'' a fact for the ten-millionth time?
:'''Sheen''': I'm related to the guy that invented baseball.
:'''Libby''': What?
:'''Carl''': Wow.
:'''Cindy''': Really?
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, did I say baseball? I meant spray-on-eyebrows.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed to Egypt!
:'''Cindy''': This better not be like the time you took us to the center of the earth and all we found was a bunch of hot dirt.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on, guys. This is going to be a great adventure. We're going to find the lost tomb of Queen Hazabataslapya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy…I've been saying, &quot;Toot Van Halen&quot; for 3 hours. Can I stop now?
:'''Cindy''': Way to go, Neutron. You haven't found anything. I'd rather be in school.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[disappointed]'' I don't understand it. I can't seem to find the lost tomb.
:'''Cindy''': Duh! That's why the call it the &quot;lost tomb,&quot; not the, here-it-is tomb: &quot;come inside and have a milkshake.&quot;
:'''Carl''': Oh, Swimmy loved milkshakes.
:'''Libby''': Let's go home. I need to apply some emergency skincare products.
:'''Cindy''': And so ends another chapter of the boring and stupid adventures of Jimmy Neutron.
:'''Jimmy''': But, guys, we're here in an exotic, distant, foreign land. We might as well have some fun.
:'''Cindy''': Fun? Yeah, right. Let's have a party in this beautiful spot.
:'''Jimmy''': Party?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy? Where's the bathroom? All I see is sand, and I'm not a cat.
:'''Jimmy''': Sand? Yeah!
:'''Carl''':  What's the matter with Jimmy?
:'''Sheen''': He's got desert fever! Curse you, cruel desert! You've taken another victim in your sandy clutches! We must put him out of his misery.
:'''Carl''':  How?
:'''Sheen''': There's only one way.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's have an Egyptian Beach Party!
:'''Sheen''': I'm in.
:'''Jimmy''': Always be prepared for any eventuality.
:'''Carl''': All my life I wanted to go an authentic Egyptian Beach Party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy, what's happening?
:'''Jimmy''': The increased air friction has created a high-intensity displacement of the ground covering…
:'''Cindy''': Cut to the chase.
:'''Jimmy''': SANDSTORM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Okay, Neutron, once again you blew it, big time… ''[Jimmy gasps in surprise at something with his jaw dropped]'' Hey, Jumblehead, I'm yelling at you. ''[snaps her fingers]'' Pay attention. What are you looking at?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[turns her head]'' The entrance to the lost tomb of the Queen Hazabataslapya.
:'''Sheen''': You think there's a bathroom in there?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushing the tomb doors open]'' We shall now enter the lost tomb and see what has been unseen for 3,000 years.
:'''Cindy''': Shouldn't we like, call National Geographic or Harvard?
:'''Libby''': Or [[w: Harrison Ford|Harrison Ford]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, are things gonna like, jump out at us and scare us?
:'''Sheen''': ''[jumps out of nowhere, scaring him]'' No, Carl. Everything here is dead.
:'''Carl''': Oh, that's good, 'cause… Dead things?! ''[points to a skeleton]'' Uh, I'm allergic to dead things!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Carl. Nothing's going to hurt you.
:''[The kids turn around and gasp in surprise when they see something shocking on the wall]''
:'''Cindy''': I don't believe it.
:'''Sheen''': It can't be.
:'''Jimmy''': But it ''is.''
:'''Carl''': IT'S…
:''[The wall shows a hieroglyphic drawing of Queen Hazabataslapya, who looks similar to Libby as Jimmy and Sheen turn to her before cutting to the end of Act I; cut back to the kids in the tomb, beginning Act II]''
:'''Jimmy''': It's Queen Hazabataslapya!
:'''Sheen''': Smokin'. I'd be her king in a Retroville minute.
:'''Cindy''': She looks just like… ''[points to Libby]''
:'''Carl''': Me?
:'''Libby''': No. Me.
:'''Sheen''': Wow, Libby. Maybe she's your great-great-great-great-great… ''[as time passes by]'' great-great-great grandmother!
:'''Libby''': I'm royalty.
:'''Cindy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, boy, here we go. Queen Libby is in the house.
:'''Libby''': Hey. Maybe this whole place belongs to me. I can turn it into a hot little dance club/restaurant/boutique/water park/…
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy. ''[pointing to the hieroglyphics on the wall]'' Somebody wrote on the walls. ''[gasps]'' They're gonna get in trouble.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, Carl. Those are hieroglyphics. The ancient Egyptian art of picture writing.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, I saw this in ''&quot;Ultra Lord vs. the Mutant Pus-Spitting Mummy.&quot;'' I can read this stuff.
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.
:'''Sheen''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;The queen flew on the wings of an eagle. She had a VCR, but wanted a DVD, and the gods sent munchkins to hypnotize her water-skis. So she took her peanut butter sandwich for a walk.&quot;''' The end.
:'''Carl''': Wow, Sheen, that was amazing!
:'''Cindy and Libby''': Oh, boys.
:'''Jimmy''': Excuse me. My watch has a Sanskrit-to-English translator with a Rosetta stone upgrade. ''[activates his watch and scans the hieroglyphics on the wall as they're translated in English on the bottom of the screen]'' The queen was only 18 when she died.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Whosoever disturbs my resting place, shall endure eternal punishment, and pain shall erupt from every poor, and their screams shall be heard down the centuries and--&quot;'''
:'''Cindy''': ''[impatiently interrupting]'' Get to the point, Doofus of Arabia.
:'''Jimmy''': It's just a silly curse. And there's no such thing as curses.
:'''Carl''': Oh, so they're like the Loch Ness Monster and North Dakota.
:'''Sheen''': ''[opens a door]'' Hey, guys, I think I found the bathroom! It ''smells'' like a bathroom. I wish I had one of those deodorizer things you hang in the car from the rear-view mirror.
:'''Carl''': Lemon or strawberry?
:'''Sheen''': Thanks, Carl. Hey, why do you carry those around with you?
:'''Carl''': …'Cause.
:'''Jimmy''': Follow me.
:'''Carl''': Oh, I bet something really bad's gonna happen.
:'''Cindy''': With Nerdtron leading the way, it's a pretty safe bet.
:''[Meanwhile back in Retroville; In Principal Willoughby's office…]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': ''[realizing]'' Hold on. We don't have a school tanning salon.
:''[Cut back to the kids standing in an empty chamber]''
:'''Sheen''': I for one am deeply disappointed. It's just a big empty room.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the pyramid designers sometimes build ''hundreds'' of empty chambers, to confuse grave robbers. So they wander aimlessly for days until they…
:'''Cindy''': ''[interrupting]'' You got 10 seconds to get outta here!
:'''Carl''': ''[tiredly]'' Guys, I'm kind of tired. Can we take a nap? ''[pushes the wall, revealing to be a hidden rotating door, and goes through it]''
:'''Sheen''': A nap? Come on, Carl. Why don't we burp you and change your diaper while we're at it? ''[turns around, noticing Carl is missing]'' Hey. Where's Carl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Okay, um, I don't like it in here! ''[sees a group of snakes slithering out from a hole in the wall and towards him] &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''SNAKES!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spice jars! If we can gather up enough kaffir lime leaves and dry mustard powder, I can ignite them and blow the door open!
:'''Sheen''': Where do you learn all this stuff, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': That I learned at the library.
:'''Sheen''': Ohh. And the library is a…?
:''[On the other side of the wall, the snakes corner Carl, slowly slithering]''
:'''Carl''': ''[trying to make them go away; fearfully]'' Okay, nice snakes. Pretty snakes. Um, go away, please. Y-You don't want to bite me with your long, sharp fangs and inject poison into my blood stream. ''[Jimmy ignites the spice jars with his torch, blowing the wall, and makes the snakes flee; relieved]'' Thanks, guys. I thought I was gonna be snake food.
:'''Cindy''': Okay, this field trip is over. How are you gonna get us out of here, Mr. Tour Guide?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[spookily]'' We don't ''want'' to get outta here.
:'''Sheen''': Okay, Jimmy's lost it. I elect myself leader. Everybody start crying and yelling.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[just before they do that]'' No, guys. Look. The queen's burial chamber. Get ready to see a ''real, live'' mummy.
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy. Was the queen gonna have a garage sale?
:'''Jimmy''': The Egyptians believed in an afterlife, so they preserve their bodies and buried them with their furniture, jewelry, pets…
:'''Sheen''': ''[laughing]'' Man. Those Egyptians were a bunch of whack jobs. But just in case they're right, I'd like to be buried with my Ultra Lord collection.
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, this was fun. ''[laughs nervously while trying to back up]'' Okay, let's all leave in a quiet and orderly fashion before we see something ''really'' scary, like… ''[bumps into a mummified body and slowly turns around; terrified] &lt;big&gt;'''MUMMIES!'''&lt;/big&gt; [runs and bumps into Jimmy, who drops the torch, and the light goes out]''
:''[The gang's eyes are shown in the dark as they start to panic]''
:'''Jimmy''': Everybody, shh! Stand still, I'll find my torch. ''[accidentally touches Cindy]''
:'''Cindy''': Ow! That's ''not'' your torch.
:'''Jimmy''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, I still got your Electro-Life thingy that makes a light. ''[activates the Electro-Life, lighting up the room so Jimmy can find his torch, unknowingly accidentally resurrects the three mummies nearby]''
:'''Jimmy''': Found it! ''[picks up the torch and lights it up]'' Now let's a take a look at those mummies.
:''[The mummies growl and look down at them]''
:'''Carl''': ''[frightfully]'' J-Jimmy, the mummies are looking at ''us.''
:'''Jimmy''': Impossible.
:'''Libby''': ''[as the mummies start moving their bodies]'' They're moving.
:'''Jimmy''': I did it! My Electro-Life works! I ''can'' bring the dead back to life!
:'''Sheen''': All right! You trampled all over the laws of nature! Way to go!
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, terrific. Now a bunch of dead guys wrapped in toilet paper are gonna kill us.
:'''Carl''': Um, guys, I suggest we… '''''RUN!!!'''''
:''[The kids start running as the mummies chase after them]''
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, next time you invite me anywhere, remind me to say no.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hope there is a next time!
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' Hey, guys. I'm related to your queen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, this is how it ends. Playing hide and get killed in a tomb in Egypt.
:'''Sheen''': Why must the good die young?!
:'''Carl''': They're coming this way. ''[whispering]'' Everybody stay quiet!
:'''Libby''': Uh, Jimmy, now would be a real good time for one of your brain blasts.
:'''Jimmy''': Think, think… ''[pictures Libby and Queen Hazabataslapya looking alike; gets an idea]'' Brain blast! Libby, quick, I need you.
:'''Libby''': Why, Jimmy, this is so sudden!
:'''Cindy''': Hey, what's happening?
:'''Sheen''': It's the desert love curse. Working its evil ways on Jimmy's heart.
:'''Jimmy''': Libby, you look like the queen. If you pretend to be her, maybe the mummies will obey your command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to the mummies]'' I order you mummies to start sleeping for 5--
:'''Others''': 10!
:'''Libby''': 15 trillion more years! ''[the mummies fall asleep]'' Sleep tight, and don't let the scarab bugs bite.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, give me the Electro-Life.
:'''Carl''': Why, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Some things should not see the light of day, for who am I, a mere mortal to alter the very laws of mortality.
:'''Cindy''': Good thing we're in a tomb, 'cause you're boring us to death.
:''[Jimmy tosses the Electro-Life off aside]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! I did it! finally found the bathroom! ''[gets his head thumped]'' OW! Why must the good get hit on their heads again?!
:''[Outside the lost tomb, the gang are all in Jimmy's hover car ready to head back home to Retroville]''
:'''Sheen''': Farewell, cruel desert!
:'''Carl''': Don't forget to write!
:'''Libby''': You know, I think I'm down with this new look. I'm gonna keep it.
:'''Cindy''': ''[sarcastically]'' So, do we have to address you as &quot;Queen Libby&quot; from now on?
:'''Libby''': ''[giggles]'' No. ''[jokingly]'' &quot;Your Mighty Fine Royal Marvelousness&quot; will do.
:'''Jimmy''': Light speed back to Retroville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The kids return home to Retroville and tiptoe quietly in Miss Fowl's classroom]''
:'''Carl''': ''[loudly]'' Miss Fowl, we're back!
:'''Others''': ''[annoyed]'' Carl!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[waking up along with Principal Willoughby]'' Where have you children been?! I want the truth, pronto!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': And I'll have none of this whole &quot;school tanning salon&quot; mumbo-jumbo!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, did I say we were going to the tanning salon? I meant, uh… the bathroom!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh. Well, all right, then.
:'''Carl''': In Egypt. And Libby got to be a queen, and mummies chased us, and we discovered a lost tomb!

===''The Retroville 9'' [2.2a]===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Make it stop, Jimmy!
:'''Libby''': I can't take it anymore!
:'''Sheen''': If you love me, you'll finish it right now!

:''[Sheen catches a ball Jimmy threw]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Ball 8!
:'''Sheen''': Ball?! That was right down the middle. I've seen better calls at a square dance!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Jimmy's throwing lollipops. The day he throws down Broadway is the day I dance on the moon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Ha! Loser!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Fowl''': Play ball!
:'''Butch''': All right, Neutron! It's &quot;giving-up&quot; time again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': If you eat this ball, I'll eat this hat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Enjoy it, Neturon! That's the only hit your team's gonna get!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Let's go to Japan?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tremendous Jackson''': Somewhere in the Rytridian Galaxy, Ultralord weeps.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[upon seeing Bonzilla]'' ''That's'' Bonzilla!? What a ripoff! He's only ten inches tall! He's a pipsqueak! He can't even breath fire- ''[Bonzilla breathes fire at Sheen, causing him to scream in pain]'' Uh, Jimmy? What's the Japanese word for &quot;ambulance&quot;? ''[coughs and faints]''

===''Grumpy Young Men'' [2.2b]===
:''[Opening shot: Iris into a close up of a purple-yellow monster, cut to a terrified Carl, then a frightened lady, followed by a terrified Sheen, it is revealed to be a poster at a video store visited by Jimmy, Carl and Sheen]''
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know, guys. $15 is a lot of money.
:'''Carl''': Jimmy, what's Doombringer II?
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know. It IS a lot of game.
:'''Sheen''': Now, remember ''[he takes hand of the said game]'' it's for mature players only, so act even more maturer-er than we usually do. I'll try and grow a mustache. ''[tries to do so, only to realize nothing happens]''
:'''Jimmy''': My dad's over 18. I'll act like him. ''[cut to Doombringer II and three dollar bills and four grey coins being placed in the counter by Jimmy with Carl with ice cream in the background]'' Well, howdy there, Clerky Clerkotron.
:'''Clerky Clerkotron''': ''[hands the objects back]'' Beat it kids, this game is for mature players only, due to violence, exaggerated mayhem and old lady kicking.
:'''Sheen''': That's not fair! We're highly mature! ''[pounds fist]'' I demand my constipational rights! ''[Clerky kicks the boys out of the store; pointing his finger up]'' How dare he throw your father out of the store?!
:'''Jimmy''': Come on guys, Let's go do something &quot;age-appropriate.&quot;
:''[They leave the scene, except for Sheen who gets the rest of his body back to the scene. About to return to the store, with a grin on his face]''
:'''Sheen''': Hey you! Check it out! I'm staring at it with both eyes, and you can't stop me! ''[but the clerk throws the ice cream onto Sheen's eye]'' I stand corrected.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy screams in the mirror after seeing he's old. Goddard screams like a teen girl after seeing Jimmy old. Doorbell rings. Cuts to Jimmy answering the door, only to scream again]''
:'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, is that you way over there?
:'''Old Jimmy''': Guys! Something went horribly wrong!
:'''Old Sheen''': Oh, gee you think? And another thing: kids today wear their pants too low! They're down under their stomachs, for cryin' out loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Carl''': Jimmy, are you sure your mom wants us to drive her car?
:'''Old Jimmy''': Carl, I'm at least 75 years old. I think I can make my own decision.
:'''Old Sheen''': Hey! I know what you're doing! You're trying to take me to the nursing home! ''[pounds on the car's window]'' Let me out! Let me out!
:'''Old Carl''': Sheen, careful! This car's going an excess of 7 miles an hour.
:''[They park into a parking lot at the Candy Bar]''
:'''Old Sheen''': You know, when I was a kid, the sky was bluer! And a quarter would buy you groceries for a week!
:'''Old Jimmy''': Gas planet. Does anyone remember what we drove down here to get?
:'''Old Carl''': Well, I'd like a canary to talk to while I watch TV and eat soup.
:'''Old Jimmy''': ''[sees a titanium and gift card store across the street]'' Ha! Titanium! That's it! ''[walks slowly to the store]''
:'''Old Sheen''': I think Jimmy wants us to follow him.
:'''Old Carl''': Yeah. 'Course I always wanted to try the senior's buffet at the Candy Bar.
:'''Old Sheen''': Right behind you, my wrinkled friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Hey, Oldilocks, what's the big idea, you and your bingo buddy takin' all the rice pudding from the buffet?
:'''Old Sheen''': It says &quot;Seniors Eat Dessert Free&quot;!
:'''Sam''': You're supposed to buy an entree first!
:'''Old Carl''': We did. I had a hamburger in here yesterday. ''[he and Sheen laugh]'' Oh, my spleen.
:''[Meanwhile, at the titanium and gift cards store…]''
:'''Old Jimmy''': Now, what was it I wanted? Something starting with a &quot;T.&quot; Tostadas, turpentine?
:'''Hugh''': Well, hey, old-timer. I like the way you're wearing your pants. I've been thinking of wearing mine more like that, maybe growing out my nose hair a little bit. You look familiar.
:'''Old Jimmy''': Oh, no, I'm just a strange old man, not your son after screwing up an experiment.
:'''Hugh''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. You remind me of my father, except you're not always saying, &quot;Huey, I told you, toothpaste isn't food.&quot;
:'''Old Jimmy''': Not possible. I don't have any family.
:'''Hugh''': What? Oh, well, that's terrible. Come on. Come with me, I'll get you a nice home-cooked meal.
:'''Old Jimmy''': B-but I can't. I have to buy something with a &quot;T.&quot; 
:'''Hugh''': I'll get you a nice cup of tea.
:'''Old Jimmy''': Let go!
:'''Hugh''': Come on.
:'''Old Jimmy''': I said, let me go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Carl''': Sheen, stop snapping your fingers?! I can't hear the music!
:'''Old Sheen''': That's not me fingers! It's me spike.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': Here's your dinner. I put it in the blender first so the chewing doesn't tire you out.
:'''Hugh''': So what did you do before you retired, old-timer?
:'''Old Jimmy''': I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing now, but I think it's real important.
:'''Hugh''': Well, you know, maybe if we guess, it'll jog your memory. Let's see. Did it involve swinging heavy things?
:'''Old Jimmy''': N-No, I don't think so.
:'''Hugh''': Well, that eliminates lumberjack and executioner.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, what are you eating?
:'''Carl''': Just some prune whip from you lab.
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, there ''wasn't'' any prune whip. That's my experimental truth telling serum!
:'''Carl''': Oh, Jimmy that's ridic- ''[snaps to truth mode]'' I stole Jimmy's toast the other day. Sometimes, I dream about girls.
:'''Jimmy''': Maybe we better go.
:'''Carl''': I don't think Ultralord exists...
:'''Sheen''': LALALALALA! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
:'''Carl''': My mom is really 42. I just ripped-
:'''Sheen''': '''MAKE HIM STOP!'''

===''Operation: Rescue Jet Fusion'' [2.3-4]===
:'''Jimmy''': Ms. Gorgeous...
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Please, call me &quot;Beautiful&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Calamitous''': How on earth did they escape?!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Well, lets see... The kid got an I.Q of 210 and the other one is a top-spy. OH I WONDER?!
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young lady!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm over 18! I can do what I want! You not the boss of me!
:'''Professor Calamitous''': You mind your father for once! AFTER THEM!

===''Nightmare in Retroville'' [2.5]===
:'''Jimmy''': This is my 27th greatest invention ever. Behold, the Neutronic Monster Maker!
:'''Sheen''': Sweet name.
:'''Jimmy''': Simply select a monster, step under the cone of creation, and it'll realign your molecules to make you look like that monster- down to each horrifying atom.
:'''Carl''': Cool! But Sheen, you got to promise that when you're scary, you won't scare me.
:'''Sheen''': My word is my bond.
:'''Jimmy''': I've downloaded every monster imaginable. I have 102 different monsters to choose from. Here are your choices. ''[clears throat]'' A werewolf…
:'''Sheen''': That's it- I want to be the wolf guy!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, I have 101 other monsters.
:'''Sheen''': I know, Jimmy, but it's been my lifelong dream to be covered in hair.
:'''Jimmy''': All right, werewolf it is. What about you, Carl? The Hunchback of Notre Dame?
:'''Carl''': Uh… too hunchy.
:'''Jimmy''': The blob?
:'''Carl''': Too blobby.
:'''Jimmy''': The Phantom of the Opera?
:'''Carl''': Too Opera-y.
:'''Jimmy''': Frankenstein?
:'''Sheen''': &quot;Frahnkenshteen.&quot;
:'''Carl''': No, I don't like his wardrobe. I'm more of a summer. ''[gasps]'' Who's the guy with the cape?
:'''Jimmy''': Dracula.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, he has a cape. I want to be Dracula!
:'''Jimmy''': All right, Dracula and a werewolf it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vampire Carl''': I want more! I need blood!
:'''Sheen''': You need counseling.
:'''Vampire Carl''': Must have blood! Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make. I must join them! ''[changes into his bat form and flies away]'' Bye, you guys! See you later!
:'''Sheen''': That was weird. But totally awesome! I wanna turn into a bat! I wanna fly! Make me a bat, Jimmy! Make me a bat!
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't do that! Carl just changed into a vampire bat on his own.
:'''Sheen''': But it's Halloween. What do you expect?
:'''Jimmy''': The monster maker must've mutated Carl's molecular structure on a subatomic level, altering his DNA!
:'''Sheen''': And now again in English.
:'''Jimmy''': He's a ''real'' vampire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to be a memorable Halloween, Goddard… if we survive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I can't believe Carl and Sheen turned into a real vampire and werewolf! I've got to capture them and turn them back. Goddard, access vampire data so I know what I'm dealing with. ''[Goddard does so]'' '''&quot;Vampires feed on the blood of the living. They can turn their victims into vampires and are repelled by garlic. They can only be destroyed by a wooden stake driven into their heart.&quot;''' What have you got on werewolves?
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[dressed as a fortune teller; mysteriously]'' Even a man who is pure of heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… hi, Miss Fowl. How do you know about werewolves?
:'''Miss Fowl''': I was married to one, but that's a story for another day.
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, anything else I should know?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Well, they can turn other people into werewolves by biting them, and they can only be destroyed by a silver…
:'''Jimmy''': Bullet?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Cane, spoon, hairbrush- anything else silver. Okay, Happy Halloween. Don't forget to floss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes. I mean, if you don't mind.
:'''Cindy''': Why the heck would…
:'''Vampire Carl''': Look into my eyes!
:'''Cindy''': ''[being hypnotized]'' Yes, master.
:'''Vampire Carl''': What is your blood type?
:'''Cindy''': A-positive, master.
:'''Vampire Carl''': Mmm, how positively delicious. ''[hisses and bites her neck as she screams, turning her into a vampire]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vampire Cindy''': Libby, did you do something to your hair?
:'''Werewolf Libby''': No. Are you using teeth whitener?
:'''Vampire Cindy''': Look into my eyes.
:'''Werewolf Libby''': No way! You look into ''my'' eyes while I take a big old bite out of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': ''[whistles angrily, stopping the fighting]'' Stop fighting! You should be ashamed. Now you work this out among yourselves. I'm going home to hand out fruit snacks. I'll see you later, Hugh Neutron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': Great flipping toadstools! Real monsters! We gotta destroy them! Quick go get some angry villagers, some torches, garlic, silver junk, and a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie!
:'''Miss Fowl''': We don't need a beautiful red-headed woman named Tessie.
:'''Sam''': Speak for yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, I don't want to drink blood anymore.
:'''Cindy''': Yuck- me neither.
:'''Sheen''': Huh. I've lost all desire to consume human flesh.
:'''Hugh''': Hey, I can speak in complete sentences. Now, where's my scary little Sugarbooger?
:'''Judy''': ''[holding a plate of banana balls and prune puffs]'' Right here, you monster. Who's up for banana balls and prune puffs?
:''[Everyone expresses in disgust]''
:'''Cindy''': We want candy.
:'''Libby''': We never got to go trick-or-treating.
:'''Sheen''': And we left behind all our candy when we changed into monsters.
:'''Carl''': I bet it's gone by now.
:'''Hugh''': No candy on Halloween? That is scary.
:'''Octopus Man Jimmy''': Don't worry. ''I'' can fix that.

===''Monster Hunt'' [2.6a]===
:'''Cindy''': Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, introducing… The Lake Monster! ''[slideshow shows a photo of Cindy posing in her swimsuit at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, Sheen, to the lake! ''[cut to Carl screaming as they're at the lake]'' You gonna keep doing that?
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry, Jim. I just have some bad associations with this lake.
:'''Sheen''': Everyone has something they're afraid of Carl. For me, it's the crawl space under grandma's house. For you, it's a stupid lake!
:'''Jimmy''': What happened here, Carl?
:'''Carl''': Well, two years ago, I came here with my pet turtle, Snappy. ''[Flashback to two years ago]'' He was my best friend, but I was allergic to him. ''[his cheeks swell up]'' So I had to release him right here on this beach. And ever since, the lake has filled me with feelings of nausea, blind terror, and then more nausea.

===''Jimmy for President'' [2.6b]===
:'''Carl''': '''''AAAAAAHHHHH!''''' ''[gets down on his knees to Miss Fowl]'' Cindy gave me a dollar to vote for Libby! Sheen was blackmailing me with a photo! And Jimmy was playing the best friend card and using scantily clad women!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[angrily glares at Jimmy, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby; The three whistle while Cindy checks her nails]'' It looks like some of our candidates have been found guilty of bribery, blackmail, and '''''MURDER!''''' ''[class screams]'' Sorry, not murder. I meant operating a zeppelin on school premises. Anyway, they're all illegal campaign activities, which means Jimmy, '''''SHEEN''''' and Libby are disqualified!

===''Return of the Nanobots'' [2.7]===
:'''Yellow Nanobot''': Alert! Alert! You're all outta step!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Nanobot''': Danger! Danger! Poor ball handling.

===''Holly Jolly Jimmy'' [2.8]===
:'''Sheen''': Say, Jimmy, you're not going to stomp on Carl's dreams again, are you?
:'''Carl''': Oh, that's okay, Sheen. Now that I've had some fudge, I feel much better.
:'''Sheen''': You look better.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Carl. I just didn't want you to be disappointed by impossible wishes like, well, like I was.
:'''Carl''': What do you mean?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, two years ago, I wrote Santa asking for a core sample from Dwarf Star NG738. ''[Flashback to Christmas morning, two years ago]'' I wanted it more than anything ever. When I opened my presents on Christmas morning...no dwarf star. ''[back to the present]'' That was the saddest day of my life. ''[Sheen laughs]'' Sheen, what's so funny?
:'''Sheen''': Isn't it obvious, Jimmy? You were just naughty that year!
:'''Jimmy''': What are you talking about?
:'''Sheen''': Well, wasn't that the year you almost destroyed the Earth?
:'''Jimmy''': No, you guys are missing the point.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy was naughty! Jimmy was naughty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': The North Pole?
:'''Libby''': Am I dressed for it? No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Okay, but an easter bunny WAS real, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What a cool guy. Too bad he didn't have enough time to deliver presents to our house. Or did he? ''[leaves his room and heads downstairs to the living room and opens his Christmas present]'' My dwarf star. ''[reads his note from Santa]'' '''&quot;Sorry it took so long. I had to let it cool for five years. Love, Santa.&quot;''' Of course! I should have realized.
:'''Hugh''': Good morning, Jimmy. Merry Pule. Funny, it doesn't look like Pule. It looks... just... like... Why... Why, it looks just like Christmas!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Vortex residence; Cindy and Libby have been given lumps of coal for being naughty in showing the footage of Jimmy accidentally scrambling Santa's atoms and putting Christmas Eve in jeopardy]''
:'''Cindy''': A lump of coal?!
:'''Libby''': Do me a favor-- the next time I suggest we humiliate somebody, '''''DON'T LISTEN!'''''

===''Love Potion #976/J'' [2.9]===
:'''Jimmy''': This is dumb. The only female I've ever been attracted to is [[w: Marie Curie|Madame Curie]], the mother of modern radiology-- in a purely platonic way, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[singing]'' Oh, Judy, well you came and you made me some cookies? Will you- ''[sees Hugh is walking out, gasps]'' What we have is beautiful and you can't destroy it.
:'''Hugh''': Alrighty then.
:''[Carl dings the triangle six times]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Britney &amp; Libby''': Ahh!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't talk, I can't think. Everywhere I go, you're there!
:'''Cindy''': What kind of sick joke is this?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Alright then, I'll say it. ''[sits on his knees] I LOVE YOU, CINDY VORTEX! [echoes; Cindy, Britney, Libby, and everyone gasp; As everyone laughs, Cindy angrily splats her ice cream in his face; Sam stops laughing and madly walks over to him]'' Mmm… pecan ripple your favorite.
:'''Sam''': You messy little hooligan! I just cleaned that floor eight months ago! You're out of here! Yeah, yeah. ''[throws Jimmy out of the Candy Bar and into the street]''

===''Sheen's Brain'' [2.10]===
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; the bell rings as all the students leave Miss Fowl's classroom after taking a history test]''
:'''Libby''': Okay, that history test was ''hard.''
:'''Butch''': Yeah, now I know how you guys feel when I beat on you.
:'''Carl''': Four score and seven years ago... ''oxygen.''
:'''Sheen''': Hey, guys! Man, that test was cake! I didn't know whether to answer the questions to put frosting on 'em, am I right? Am I right?
:'''Jimmy''': Actually, Sheen, I thought it was fairly challenging.
:'''Sheen''': Challenging? My grandma's chihuahua could've aced it. I've done connect-the-dot drawings that were harder.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sticking out from behind the classroom door, wanting to have a word with him; sharply] SHEEN!!!''
:'''Sheen''': Ex-squeeze me, Miss Fowl probably wants to congratulate me on a job well done.
:''[Later, outside school… Jimmy and Carl look at Sheen's failed history test up-close, with every question answered in Ultra Lord themed topics]''
:'''Jimmy and Carl''': Quadruple F-minus?
:'''Sheen''':  Well, how was I supposed to know Ultra Lord wasn't the father of our country? That's what it says on the Ultra Lord website!
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, didn't ''you'' write the Ultra Lord website?
:'''Sheen''': Your point? ''[Jimmy rolls his eyes before walking up to his hover car]'' Oh. Anyway, Miss Fowl said if I don't pass tomorrow's math final, I'm gonna be left back!
:'''Jimmy''': Left back?! That's terrible!
:'''Sheen''': Tell me about it! I can't be in a class with a bunch of babies who wet their pants and cry for their mommies!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, technically they'd be the same age we are now and we don't wet our pants and cry for- ''[stops and sees Carl sucking his thumb and holding a llama plushie]''
:'''Carl''': What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[entering the classroom]'' Good morrow, scholars. Sorry I'm tardy, I was doing this morning's crossword puzzle in pen.
:'''Cindy''': Big deal. My dad and I do the crossword puzzle all the time.
:'''Sheen''': In the Beijing Times? ''[holds up and unravels his long crossword puzzle, all answered in Beijing writing]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[giving Sheen his math test]'' Here's your test, Sheen. Take a seat and get started. Remember, class, if you get stuck on a question, just skip it and come back to it--
:'''Sheen''': ''[raises up his finished test]'' Done!
:'''Miss Fowl''': What?! But, that's impossible.
:'''Sheen''': Well, I would have finished sooner if someone hadn't been blathering away.
:'''Miss Fowl''': Sweet muffins! These answers are right!
:'''Sheen''': Of course, they're right. They're obvious to anyone with half a brain, let alone this slack-jaw collection of nitwits!
:'''Butch''': ''[stands up]'' Hey! My doctor says my jaw's only ''slightly'' slack!
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, Ultra Dork. Since when did you become Lord of the Smarts?
:'''Sheen''': Since yesterday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Go ahead, mock all you want! The barbs of a tiny brain are as nothing to me! ''[cackles evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Candy Bar, Sheen is having an argument with Sam over a jar of jelly beans to win a free sundae, with a suddenly increased head]''
:'''Sheen''': I said, give me my free sundae!
:'''Sam''': And I said there's no way you could've known there were 12,082 beans in that jar without cheating, yeah!
:'''Sheen''': I told you, I used a complex algorithm, based on the dimensions of the jar!
:'''Sam''': Uh-huh. Yesterday you thought seashells were money. Today you're using algorithms?
:'''Sheen''': Yesterday, I wasn't a genius! Now give me my ice cream, monkey boy! ''[grabs and pulls Sam by the shirt; turns around to Carl]'' I heard that, Carl!
:'''Carl''': I didn't say anything.
:'''Sheen''': I heard your thoughts! You think I'm being an annoying doofus?! ''[turns back around]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[arrives with the Brain Drain helmet]'' Carl, I found the Brain Drain helmet and got here as fast as I… ''[shockingly notices Sheen's increased head while eating a scoop of his sundae]'' Leapin' leptons! What happened to Sheen's head?!
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, this has ''your'' stink all over it!
:'''Carl''': Jimmy, Sheen's brain is still growing! And he's also being an annoying doofus.
:'''Sheen''': I knew it!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, the math test is over, so it's time to turn you back to normal.
:'''Sheen''': I don't want to go back! I'm seeing things clearly for the first time! Besides, everyone ''loves'' the new me!
:'''Jimmy, Carl, Cindy, Libby, Nick, and Butch''': NO, WE DON'T!
:'''Sheen''': '''''SILENCE!''''' ''[makes all the lights in the Candy Bar go out]''
:'''Jimmy''': Trust me, Sheen. You don't want to be a genius, always having to help people with homework…
:'''Libby''': Always endangering the town with your stupid inventions…
:'''Cindy''': Always being a pain in the butt…
:'''Jimmy''': Nobody asked you! ''[to Sheen]'' So I'm just gonna put this helmet back on your head, and--
:'''Sheen''': ''[holds up his hand, preventing him to come closer]'' Don't come any closer, Neutron!
:'''Jimmy''': Butch, Nick, grab him!
:''[Butch and Nick grab hold of both his hands]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[maliciously]'' You disappoint me, Jimmy. ''[pushes Jimmy backwards across the floor as it breaks up in a line and laughs evilly; End of Act 1, beginning Act 2; telekinetically pushes away Butch and Nick]''
:'''Sam''': Hey, little big head! I just cleaned there!
:'''Sheen''': ''[rising from his seat and into the air]'' My intelligence is wasted here! I should be building empires, commanding armies! Today, Retroville, tomorrow, '''''THE WORLD!''''' ''[conjures up a ball of lighting in his hands, launches it at the ceiling, creating a big hole, and flies out of the Candy Bar at vast speed]''
:'''Libby''': Don't tell me that's just hormones.
:'''Jimmy''': I don't understand it! I was only trying to boost his IQ so he'd pass the math test!
:'''Cindy''': Oh! ''[gets in his face]'' Is that all? And what if we all went around freakishly enlarging our friends' heads, huh?!
:'''Butch''': Ooh! Me first! Me first! ''[pause; confused]'' Was that a rhetorical question?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In Jimmy's lab…]''
:'''Jimmy''': Vox, analyze Brain Gain helmet to determine maximum possible IQ increase.
:'''Vox''': ''Analyzing…''
:''[The Maximum IQ counter on the lower right begins to count rapidly as the model of Sheen's head starts increasing to bigger size; the counter stops displaying three infinity symbols and the screen shows only his eyes]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[horrified]'' It's just like I feared! If left unchecked, Sheen's IQ will keep growing to infinity!
:'''Carl''': Wow, he'll be ''really'' good at board games.
:'''Jimmy''': No, Carl. You don't understand. Sheen's brain is programmed to keep growing. If we don't get that Brain Drain helmet on him soon… his head will explode.
:'''Carl''': ''[screams terrifyingly]'' Ewwwwww.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[showing up at the Candy Bar in his throne as Cindy and Libby exit]'' Libby Folfax, come on down!
:'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' Oh, he must be bugging. ''[Sheen immediately picks her up and pulls her towards him with his psychokinesis]'' Get me down!
:'''Sheen''': Reign with me, Libby. Together, we shall rule Retroville in glory!
:'''Libby''': I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Hail, mighty overlord!
:'''Sheen''': What the…?
:'''Jimmy''': We have brought you a magnificent crown, crafted from the finest semiprecious metals, to celebrate your glorious reign.
:'''Sheen''': Hmm… It is rather fetching. Bestow it on my head! Not you… ''[points at Carl]'' Carl.
:'''Carl''': ''[thinking] Baby llamas in the meadow. Baby llamas in the meadow. Oh, no. One of them's escaping! He's heading towards town! &quot;Town&quot; rhymes with &quot;crown&quot;! '''JIMMY AND I DISGUISED THE BRAIN DRAIN HELMET AS A CROWN!!!'''''
:'''Sheen''': I heard that!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, please, we're trying to help you! Your brain is growing at a dangerously fast pace!
:'''Sheen''': Silence! You have plotted against the overlord! Your insolence has angered me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[with a now giant-sized head]'' I control the wind, and I shall rain fire down from the heavens! Goodbye, Sheen the overlord! Hello, Sheen '''''THE GOD!'''''
:'''Libby''': ''[preparing to leave, having enough]'' That's it. I've had it with you, and your big freaky head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultra Lord''': ''Greetings! One called &quot;Sheen&quot;.
:'''Sheen''': Ultra Lord?! Is it really you?!
:'''Ultra Lord''': ''You bet ya, I've come to welcome you, to the Ultra Pantheon of the super-'''POWERFUL!'''
:'''Sheen''': Wait a second. How do I know you're not even an impostor?
:'''Ultra Lord''': ''Hmm... I see your point. Well, I guess I'll be on my way.
:'''Sheen''': Wait, don't go! ''[floats toward Ultra Lord and flies in front of him]'' It's just, the odds of meeting the ''actual'' Ultra Lord at this very moment, are 16,755 to 1!!... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[in a loud, demonic booming voice]'' YOU ''DARE'' TO ORDER ME?! &lt;big&gt;'''''FEEL THE WRATH OF MY BRAIN BOLT!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

===''MaternoTron Knows Best'' [2.11a]===
:'''Judy''': Here are your dinners. ''[sets the plates down on the table, releasing the serving covers]'' A ham and macaroni choo-choo for Hugh with cauliflower chimney smoke. For Jimmy, scallopini pfeffernüsse with mashed potatoes in the shape of Einstein's hair. And for me, a sandwich.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Judy enters the kitchen with her suitcase]'' Mom? Are you going on a trip?
:'''Judy''': Oh, you noticed. Well, since you asked, I'm going to a spa for a week to be pampered unmercifully.
:'''Hugh''': Hughsy-doodles is confused.
:'''Judy''': I'm sick of being unappreciated and doing all the work around here. ''[takes out her long chores list and hands it to Jimmy]'' Here are the chores I do every week to keep this place up and running. You two are going to have to do every one of them while I'm gone. Good-bye. ''[slams the door and leaves]''
:'''Jimmy''': Whoa! No Mom for a week?
:'''Hugh''': No one to tell us your bath is ready?
:'''Jimmy''': Or make us change our clothes. Or make us leave the lab and come to dinner.
:'''Hugh''': No one to tell us you can't have pizza for every meal, or say, &quot;Hugh, put down that duck and talk to me for once.&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': We're free man! Masters of our own destiny. We rule this house.
:'''Hugh''': We, uh… well, once we finish the chores.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. What's the first one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Neutron dining room, evening]''
:'''Hugh''': So how's that week's worth of chores coming, Robo-booger?
:'''MaternoTron''': All chores were completed at 1700 hours this evening.
:'''Jimmy''': Good work, Materno-Tron. Assume Sleep Mode until the next mealtime.
:'''MaternoTron''': Negative. A mother's work is never done. A mother must protect and pamper.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, yeah. ''[clears throat]'' Override Maternal chip directives until further notice.
:'''MaternoTron''': Don't use that tone of voice with me, young man. Now eat! ''[releases the serving covers on Jimmy and Hugh's plates, revealing bowls of liquid spinach]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[horrified]'' Leaping leptons! I said water the lawn, not cook it! What is this stuff?
:'''MaternoTron''': Soy protein, kelp, talapala oil and spinach for flavor.
:'''Hugh''': Sugarbooger's dinners never smelled quite so… how do I put it? Disgusting.
:'''MaternoTron''': ''[scoops up the spinach with a ladle]'' This is the train and your mouth is the tunnel.
:'''Hugh''': Uh, no thanks. See, my tunnel is temporarily closed for… ''[MaternoTron stuffs the ladle into his mouth]''
:'''Jimmy''': I must have set the autonomy parameter in the mothering chip too high! She really thinks she's Mom. ''[MaternoTron stuffs another ladle into his mouth]''
:'''MaternoTron''': And after dinner… ''[takes out a scrubbing brush with eyes glowing red]'' '''''your baths.''''' ''[Jimmy and Hugh react with horror; Later in the master bathroom, Hugh is first to be bathed while she holds him down in the tub, scrubbing him so hard]'' HOLD STILL!
:'''Hugh''': ''[screaming and moaning]'' Not the face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MaternoTron''': Where you going?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh. Um, well I left my homework in the lab.
:'''MaternoTron''': Too many wires. You'll electrocute your eye out. Bedtime!
:'''Jimmy''':  What? But it's only 7:00!
:'''MaternoTron''': March!
:''[Jimmy's bedroom; the time on his alarm clock switches from 7:00 pm to one minute later]''
:'''Jimmy''': But I'm not tired!
:'''MaternoTron''': Then I must ''rock'' you to sleep. ''[picks Jimmy up and rocks him at rapid speed]'' ♪ Rock-a-bye Jimmy on the treetop. Tomorrow more kelp till your pant buttons pop. ♪ Are you tired yet?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[dizzy]'' And nauseous.
:''[Later that night in the master bedroom…]''
:'''MaternoTron''': I have been neglectful to you as a wife.
:'''Hugh''': ''[nervously]'' No! Uh, really. It's okay.
:'''MaternoTron''': No, it is not. Switching to wife mode. Take out the trash! We never talk anymore. Get me some ice cream. Let's watch a movie with ''lots'' of crying! I should never have given up my career. Rub my feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MaternoTron''': ''[to Jimmy and Hugh]'' Where do you think you're going?
:'''Jimmy''': Outside?
:'''MaternoTron''': Too dangerous! Outside is where the Civil War was held! ''[walks in front of the front door, blocking it]'' I'm placing you both on… ''[in malicous evil tone with red eyes]'' ''LOCKDOWN!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[after circle fade-out]'' Uh, Sheen.
:''[Fades in to Carl and Sheen taking a survey near Jimmy's lab at night]''
:'''Carl''': What was the answer you chosen for question 319?
:'''Sheen''': C.: Lure the tiger away from Jimmy by imitating a chicken strip.
:'''Carl''': ''[smiles]'' Hmm! Works for me.

===''Send in the Clones'' [2.11b]===
:'''Judy''': Where do you think you're going, young man? Here's your list of Saturday chores.
:''[Goddard stretches out his neck, grabs the chores list with his mouth, and gives it to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[looking over the list]'' &quot;Mail letter at post office. Sit with Grandma in the park. Pick up Dad's badminton shoes. Drop off a pie at school. And take a book to Cindy Vortex's mother?!&quot; But, Mom, I can't do that! I have to get into space, now!
:'''Judy''': Chores, first. Space travel, ''later.''
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, options! '''&quot;Hire temporary help to do chores at $15.75/hour.&quot;''' Too expensive. '''&quot;Use boyish charm to outwit parental unit.&quot;''' I don't have time. '''&quot;Clone thyself.&quot;''' Yes! We'll have to do it mega fast!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One by one, the Jimmy clones emerge]''
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hi, everybody! Isn't it a super, amazing, great day?
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': ''[stifled grunt]'' You call this a great day? ''[sniffs]'' I should have stayed in bed!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''':  Ah, but romance is in ze air, eh? It is a beautiful day to fall in love, ''n'est-ce pas?''
:'''Funny Jimmy''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, everybody! It's great to be here for Line-up Night! Hey, have you seen that Cindy Vortex? Talk about the Wicked Witch of the Elementary. ''[Laughs]'' Hey, but seriously, these are the jokes, folks, come on, laugh with me.
:''[Goddard plays a laugh track]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': Hey! Who's up for some football, huh?
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Nice place, kid. You know, I could have some serious fun with this stuff... ''[snickers]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[All clones watch Jimmy blast off outside]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, you heard the man: do your chores, boys.
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': But I've never mailed a letter! What if I get my hand stuck in the box?!
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hey, turn that frown upside down, Mr. Gloomy Gus! Everything's gonna be terrific!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' ''Mais oui!'' Love is all around us.
:'''Cool Jimmy''': 'Ey! Let's do it to it!
:'''Funny Jimmy''': And awaaay we go!
:''[Granny Neutron is sitting on a bench at the park, surrounded by birds as Happy Jimmy shows up]''
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Hello, grandmother, dear.
:'''Granny''': Where have you been? This bench is too hard. These birds are getting too close. The sun hurts my eyes.
:'''Happy Jimmy''': Isn't it a beautiful day? Aren't these birds absolutely amazing? Isn't it great to be alive?!
:''[Cut to Gloomy Jimmy at a mailbox getting his hand stuck]''
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': Ow…
:'''Carl''': Oh, hi, Jimmy. I have to do a report on snails or Napoleon. Can you help me?
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': What's the point of doing homework? We do it and then what? Poof, We're gone. Nothingness, emptiness. We're all just dust in the wind.
:'''Carl''': Okay, I..I don't want to be dust in the wind.
:''[Cut to Cool Jimmy walking downtown with Disco music playing]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': He shoots, he scores. Neutron is definitely on. Lookin' good. You the man, you the man. 'Ey, it's the Nicksta.
:'''Nick''': Neutron? What are you doing?!
:'''Cool Jimmy''': I'm walkin' here! You got a problem wit' dat, Skateboard Boy!?!
:'''Nick''': Uh, &quot;Skateboard Boy&quot;? ''[Macho Jimmy skates on Nick's skate board]'' Whoa, check it out! Neutron has the moves! ''[crunching, skateboard breaks in two]''
:'''Cool Jimmy''': Well, how 'bout next time you get a board that can handle the Neutron style? Later, Nick-O-Rama.
:''[Nick looks angrily in Cool Jimmy's direction]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': &quot;I am Ultra Lord, and I will swing my mighty bat of combat on you!&quot; &quot;You can't catch me!&quot; &quot;Yes, I can!&quot; Hey, hey, Jimmy, want to see my new action figure?
:'''Funny Jimmy''': Do I? Come on, does Robin Hood wear a pantyhose? Hey, why did Ultra Lord cover himself with mayonnaise? ''[Sheen looks awkwardly at Funny Jimmy]'' He wanted to make a hero sandwich! ''[laughs]'' Hello! ''[knocking on Sheen's head]'' Anybody in there? Paging Mr. Sheen. The village called. They want their idiot back.
:'''Sheen''': Are you okay, Jimmy? 'Cause you seem really weird.
:'''Funny Jimmy''': ''I'm'' weird?! ''[laughing]'' Come o-o-o-o-on! You should see Ultra Lord's uncle Morris!
:''[Cuts to Romantic Jimmy walking to Cindy's house, smiling to the camera, and ringing Cindy's doorbell]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[sighs]'' Whad'ya want, Neutron?
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': To return a book and to drink in your beauty, Miss Vortex.
:'''Cindy''': Very funny.
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': I jest not. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Not even Shakespeare seems inadequate to describe your perfection!
:'''Cindy''': Cut it out, Neutron, before I barf!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': Ah, ah, ah! But before zat, would you favor me wiz a kiss?
:''[Romantic Jimmy tries to kiss Cindy, but has the door closed on him and faints.]''
:'''Cindy''': Is he for real? And what's with the bad French accent? ''[opens door after hearing music]''
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''[Guitar playing]'' ''[singing]'' Oh, Cindy, I love you, more than [[Albert Einstein]]'s theory of relativity. Oh, Cindy, ma cherie, [laughs] my little Cindy. Would you please come and kiss me? ''[Cindy faints to French Jimmy's surprise]'' Wait, why are you sleeping?
:''[Cuts to Evil Jimmy holding a pie as a man walks up to him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Hey, buddy, want a pie?
:'''Man''': Yeah!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[splats pie in the man's face, snickers]'' You can't beat the classics!
:'''Man''': ''[licks face]'' Mmm… ''[gives Thumbs up]'' I'll say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The citizens clamor angrily at Hugh for what the Jimmy clones did]''
:'''Hugh''': Calm down, folks. Now, just tell me, what did the Jimster do?
:'''Nick''': He busted my skateboard, dude!
:'''Carl''': He said I was gonna be &quot;dust in the wind.&quot;
:'''Granny''': He made me smile and my dentures fell out! ''[pulls out her dentures]''
:'''Sheen''': He mocked Ultra Lord's family!
:'''Cindy''': He made my heart sing and… ''[snaps out of it]'' I mean, he said things to me so vile and despicable I cannot repeat them in mixed company.
:'''Pie-face Man''': And, he threw a pie in my face!
:'''Hugh''': ''[Chuckles]'' You can't beat the classics. ''[Pie-face Man growls]'' I'm sure Jimmy had a good reason for doing all these admittedly strange, bizarre things, so…who wants pie?
:''[All growling]''
:'''Pie-face Man''': ''[Spits]'' I'm good.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It was the clones! I gotta find them. Goddard, activate clone locator!
:''[Goddard's chest show a map with Jimmy's head representing the clones, pinging]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy uses the ice crystals on the clones, freezing them]''
:'''Funny Jimmy''': That's all, folks!
:'''Romantic Jimmy''': ''Adieu, mon ami!'' Parting is such sweet… Whoo, that is cold!
:'''Cool Jimmy''': Yo, give me your best shot, punk!
:'''Gloomy Jimmy''': Oh, this is how it ends… as ice cubes!
:'''Happy Jimmy''': I've always ''wanted'' to be frozen! This is a dream come true!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': There he is!
:'''Sheen''': Get him!
:'''Cindy''': Let's teach him a lesson!
:'''Nick''': I'll hold him down, man!
:'''Carl''': Yeah! Come on!
:'''Jimmy''': WAIT, everyone! I can explain. ''[4 hours later…]'' …And that's how it all happened.
:'''Pie-face Man''': ''[speechless]'' Huh, genetic replicants manifesting mutant side effects, eh?
:'''Cindy''': As long as you got rid of ''all'' the clones. One Jimmy Neutron in the world is bad enough, but six is blech!
:'''Nick''': Uh, dude, you did catch all of them, didn't you?
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… who would like some pie at my house?
:'''Carl''': Uh, okay.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Here's Jimmy! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Everybody''': ''[to Jimmy; annoyed with anger]'' Neutron!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[nervously]'' So, uh, I take it that means no pie? ''[screams while he and Goddard run for their lives as they start chasing after him]''
:'''Pie-face Man''': Get him!
:'''Everybody''': Get him!
:'''Granny''': Rip off his head!
:''[Evil Jimmy faces the viewers and throws a cherry pie at the camera, ending the episode]''

===''The Great Egg Heist'' [2.12a]===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;7A&quot;. I said &quot;7A&quot;.

===''The Feud'' [2.12b]===
:'''Hugh''': Sweet jumpin'... &lt;big&gt;'''CRABGRASS!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, Neutron. Just trimming the old hedges before they start throwing off pollens for us.
:'''Hugh''': Wheezer, I'm going to need my Lawnlopper back.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, Gee, Neutron. I gave that thing back weeks ago. You must have forgot.
:'''Hugh''': Forgot about my Lawnlopper 300 Pro-Deluxe as seen on TV?! I don't think so.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, It's probably in your garage. Why don't you check?
:'''Hugh''': It's probably in your garage. I'll just go get it.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey! I already told you, I gave it back, you wingding.
:'''Hugh''': And I'm telling you you didn't, toolhog.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Cheese-brain!
:'''Hugh''': Sneeze-jockey!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Noodlehead!
:'''Hugh''': Just because my lawn is lush and silky while yours is limp and hard to manage…
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': What?! There's nothing wrong with my lawn.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, please! Dandelions, gopher holes, and your tacky ceramic lawn cats- please!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, yeah?! Well, what about your stupid lawn ducks? They're the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood.
:'''Hugh''': No, you put that down right now!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Hey, look at me- quack, quack, quack. I'm a stupid lawn duck- quack, quack… whoops.
:'''Hugh''': Sir Quacksalot! ''[smash, screams]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oopsy.
:'''Hugh''': That was the final straw, Wheezer. ''[smashes Mr. Wheezer's lawn cat, then Mr. Wheezer screams]'' As of right now, we are Mortal Enemies!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Well, that goes double for me!
:'''Hugh''': It's a deal!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Let's do it!
:'''Hugh''': YOU'RE ON! Quick, Jimmy! Throw Carl back in his home. As of right now, we will not have anything to do with him, or anyone named &quot;Wheezer&quot;, or anyone who has even &quot;wheeze-ED&quot;.
:'''Jimmy''': But, Dad, you don't understand. Carl's my best friend.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Not anymore! Now follow me, Carl, 'cause as of right now, the Neutrons and the Wheezers are officially sworn &quot;nemesises&quot;!
:'''Jimmy''': I think it was &quot;nemese…&quot;
:'''Hugh''': Don't correct our ignorant opponents, Jimbo! Now into the house, quick! ''[foreign accent]'' The air out here is ''thick'' with the stench of Wheezers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You knew my husband was allergic to brambleberry pie! You're just a dupe for that hateful husband of yours!
:'''Judy''': &quot;Hateful&quot;?! You take that back!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Never, allergy-hater!
:'''Judy''': Venom-spitter!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': She-woman!
:'''Judy''': Hag-witch! ''[as she leaves, Mrs. Wheezer gasps in shock; walks up the back porch, to Jimmy]'' Jimmy, I don't want you ever to mention the word &quot;Carl&quot; again! ''[enters the house with a scoff and slams the door shut]''
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, can you arrange a little get-together with Carl?
:'''Sheen''': You're in luck, Jimmy. I'm having a special this month on super secret meetings. May I suggest a Mexican Bandito theme?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hugh and Mr. Wheezer find their lawns infested with crabgrass.]''
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Holly leaping catfish!
:'''Hugh''': Great stinking bananas?!
:''[The angry dads approach each other.]''
:'''Hugh''': D'ohhh! This is all your fault, Wheezer!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Oh, no! The crabgrass started on ''your'' lawn, Neutron! I guess this neighborhood just can't have nice things!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pushes them aside]'' You're both wasting time! The only way to fight an infestation this big is for you to work together.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Never! No lawn is worth that!
:'''Hugh''': I'd rather be dipped in pickle juice and thrown to rabid weasels!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Ditto! ''[leaves back into the house]''
:'''Hugh''': ''[sadly patting the lawn]'' Goodbye, old friend. '''''AVENGE YOU, I WILL!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Drat! Wedgied by science again!
:'''Carl''': No! I can't let my friendship with Jimmy end like this!
:'''Sheen''': Carl, what are you doing?! Don't!
:'''Jimmy''': CARL, NO!!
:'''Carl''': We need more crabgrass… MORE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Sugar booger, get the pruney-powered powder on the double, pronto!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Mother, I need the aerosol weed sprays!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': JIM-JAM!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': CARL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Thank goodness you boys are alright.
:'''Carl''': Mom, does this mean that this feud is finally over?
:'''Jimmy''': And Carl and I can go back to being friends again?
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Well, the Wheezers and the Neutrons may have their differences...
:'''Judy''': But we'll just have to get over them for the sake of the children.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': You betcha!
:'''Hugh''': I agree one hundred percen-- ''[realizes something]'' Just as soon as Wheezer admits that HE TOOK MY LAWNLOPPER! ''[crying loudly]'' Golly!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': I DID NOT!
:'''Hugh''': Stupidhead!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': MORON FACE!!
:'''Hugh''': Mucus monkey!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': DUCK LOVER!!!
:'''Hugh''': &quot;Duck lover&quot;?!
:''[Judy and Mrs. Wheezer repeatedly hit their husbands with brooms to make them stop arguing]''
:'''Sheen''': I just remembered. Sam at the Candy Bar paid me to send a message to Mr. Neutron and he's chosen a festive polka theme song. I think I'll sing it now.
:''[sings the song about the LawnLopper]''
:Thanks for borrowing my LawnLopper.
:Yodel-lay-yodel-lay-yodel-lay-hee-hoo!
:I'll be back for some new sundaes.
:Yodel-lay-yodel-lay-yodel-hoo!
:That'll be 2 bucks again, please!
:''' Neutrons and Wheezers''': ''[infuriated]'' Sheen...
:'''Sheen''': Of course, we ''could'' even discuss a preferred customer discount. ''[The Neutrons and the Wheezers advance furiously on him as the episode ends]''

===''Out, Darn Spotlight'' [2.13]===
:'''Nick''': ''[screams as he flies through the air]'' DUDE! Oh, man, I broke my leg!
:'''Sheen''': All right! That's good luck! Way to go, Nick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': No, thank you. I QUIT!
:''[all the others boo at Jimmy]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Uh, Jimmy, I thought we agreed that we didn't like girls.
:'''Jimmy''': We don't. Betty is a woman.
:'''Sheen''': Got it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': My daughter, Cynthia is the star of the show.
:'''Hugh''': She's Macbeth?
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': No, she's a witch.
:'''Judy''': ''[rolls her eyes]'' So I hear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Can I have a mocha espresso with plenty of sugar?
:'''Cindy''': Yeah, right.

===''The Junkman Cometh'' [2.14]===
:'''Brobot''': ''[on screen; static]'' Jim… my. Jimmy, help!
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… was that Brobot?
:'''Carl''': You mean that annoying robot you made 'cause you wanted a little brother who drove you crazy, so you made robot parents and sent them off to the moon?
:'''Brobot''': The Moony Men are attacking us! Help us, Jimmy!
:'''Carl''': Yep, that was him.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what's everyone want to drink? I got Classic Purple Flurp, Diet Purple Flurp, and new improved Purple Flurp with more purple.
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy, aren't you gonna help Brobot?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I'm not gonna help him. He was a major pain. 
:'''Carl''': But he's your brother!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, he's your own nuts and bolts and circuits!
:'''Carl''': You gotta save him before the Moony Men rip him apart limb by limb!
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot can take care of himself. I provided him with self-preservation circuitry.
:'''Brobot''': Jimmy, I forgot to tell you- they've disabled my self-preservation circuitry.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh. I guess we're going to the moon. ''[Carl and Sheen gasp]'' Come on, guys.
:'''Carl''': What? I'm not going.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, what are you nuts?! There's Moony Men up there!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I'm not going alone, so we're just gonna sit here till you guys decide what you want to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': And… KICK IT, HOMIE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, I've got something to ask you. How come whenever we're in outer space, we don't have to wear helmets?
:'''Jimmy''': Good question, Sheen, and the answer is quite interesting. You see -
:''[He starts explaining, but Carl's singing drowns it out.]''
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Moon, moon, moon! Spoon, spoon, spoon! June, June, June! Spittoon, spittoon, spittoon!
:'''Sheen''': Uh, really?
:'''Jimmy''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Sheen''': But how come we don't need oxygen tanks?
:'''Jimmy''': Well -
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' ♪ Star, star, star! You're so far, far, far! Can't go by car, car, car! ♪
:'''Sheen''': Fascinating. Thanks.
:'''Jimmy''': Any other questions.
:'''Sheen''': No, I kinda got a headache.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Shh! Don't move. His senses may be so basic that he won't be able to detect us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Come on, guys, we're going home.
:'''Brobot''': Wait! Can't you stay and play, brother? Oh, please, please, please, please?
:'''Jimmy''': We're not staying. You did a bad thing, Brobot. A very bad thing.
:'''Brobot''': I'm sorry, Jimmy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Uh, so, Jimmy, how come it takes astronauts days to go to and from the moon, when it only takes us a few minutes?
:'''Jimmy''': That's another good question. You see, it all has to do -
:'''Carl''': ''[singing over]'' Good-bye, Moon, I'll see you next June! Call the Milky for us soon, and -
:'''Sheen''': CARL! Enough with the song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Brobot saved us, we save his parents. That's the way it is.

===''Foul Bull'' [2.15a]===
:'''Carl''': And-a I'm-a not-a the-a pig-a punisher-a.

===''The Science Fair Affair '' [2.15b]===
:'''Man''': I-a cannot-a believe-a it's-a not-a olyve-a oyl-a.

===''Men At Work'' [2.16]===
:'''Carl''': ''[gasps]'' Our gold... it's all ashes!
:'''Sheen''': That was my grandmother's favorite tooth...and her only one.
:'''Jimmy''': The equipment I'd need to make enough gold to replace this stuff would take a ton of money.
:'''Sheen''': We could sell our bodies to science.
:'''Carl''': You have to be dead to do that.
:'''Sheen''': Okay, Mr. Negative.
:'''Jimmy''': Gentlemen, we have to get jobs.
:''[While searching around in town for applying for a job, the boys show up at McSpanky's restaurant]''
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, McSpanky's would be the perfect place to work. We could eat here, see all our friends, plus, what job could be easier?
:'''Sheen''': Professional spread-glue-on-your-fingertips-and-pull-it-off consultant? What?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[annoyingly imitating Skeet]'' &quot;No human brain can add three things, dude. Only the machine knows the tax, dude.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skeet''': Hey, dude, you missed a spot.
:'''Jimmy''': I got it. Just a little sodium chloride.
:'''Skeet''': Actually, dude, it's &quot;salt.&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': That's what I said. Sodium chloride.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skeet''': You're quitting?! But dude, you're the first guy who fit in the costume.
:'''Jimmy''': I'm not quitting- quite the opposite. I intend to show you all what I am capable of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[calming Goddard down when he growls at the mechanical Scotsman's head in the drive-thru]'' Easy, Goddard. It's just a giant mechanical Scotsman's head. But by tomorrow, it's gonna be smarter than Skeet. ''[knocks on the mechanical head's lower jaw]'' Come to think it, it's smarter than Skeet now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': The monkey's in. You, back of the line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Neutron. 
:'''Judy''': My goodness! You boys have turned this place into quite the hot spot.
:'''Carl''': Yup- hope you enjoy it. Um… hold up, Mr. Neutron.
:'''Hugh''': What… I'm with her.
:'''Carl''': Whoa, whoa, whoa- back it up, chief. Hmm… yeah… nope, sorry, not feeling it.
:'''Hugh''': What do you mean?
:'''Carl''': Don't make me spell it out, Mr. N., but your outfit just isn't saying McSpanky's to me.
:'''Hugh''': Oh, really? Well, maybe because it's too busy saying, &quot;Step aside, Mr… Sassymouth before I tell your parents!&quot;
:'''Carl''': Go ahead- I turned them away two hours ago.
:'''Hugh''': That's just terrible. How could you… Hey, look, a famous movie star!
:'''Carl''': Where? Where?
:'''Hugh''': ''[snickers]'' Sucker.
:'''Carl''': What, I don't see anybody… Oh, I see him! Hi! No, that's not him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I'm back from the bank! ''[sees the McSpanky's restaurant rising from the ground]'' Hey, Jimmy, isn't the restaurant supposed to be rising off the ground?
:'''Jimmy''': No.
:'''Sheen''': Bummer.
:'''Carl''': What's happening, Jimmy?!
:'''Jimmy''': Well, the computer heard my dad saying he prefers Taco Shack, and it's off to correct the problem!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I think McSpanky's is trying to destroy all its competition until it's the only restaurant in town!
:'''Carl''': We've gotta stop it!
:'''Sheen''': Yeah! Does that mean no more tips?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Well, that's the ''last'' fast food place in town. At least now it'll land and I can rip out its programming. ''[looks at his GPS to see that McSpanky's is headed directly to the supermarket]'' Hey, what's it doing?!
:'''Carl''': It's headed for the supermarket!
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, no! It's not satisfied in destroying restaurants, it's gonna destroy ''any'' place that sells food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[after McSpanky's flies off into the sky and towards the sun]'' If only it used its grill for good instead of evil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': A king Arthur with a hipper placement on a bed of ''coals?''

===''The Mighty Wheezers'' [2.17a]===
:'''Judy''': Now, Jimmy, I want you to behave yourself at the Wheezers' this weekend.
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be fine. I've been looking forward to this for weeks.
:'''Carl''': It'll be just like having a brother who looks nothing like me and has a different last name.
:'''Sheen''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Man, you guys are so lucky! I have to stay home and loofah my grandma's cankles.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': I can't believe you're camping out in the desert. ''[snorts]'' I get slightly phlegmy just thinking about it.
:'''Hugh''': That's what Burning Duck is all about, Wheezer, my man. We're going to let it all hang out, groove to a natural scene, might even toast some marshmallows.
:'''Judy''': Honey, put your pants on. You can groove when we get to the desert. See you soon, sweetie.
:'''Hugh''': Keep it real, Jimbo. Go with the flow.
:'''Jimmy''': Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Bye-bye.
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Well, Jimmy, let's get you settled in.
:'''Sheen''': Bye, guys. Have fun while I'm cankling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Sounds like my men are hungry!
:'''Jimmy''': Uh… what is this, Mrs. Wheezer?
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Fiber loaf à la king- a hypoallergenic protein substitute.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': You see, Jimmy, the Mrs. and I are allergic to most, meat, fish, grain, dairy, fruit, vegetable, and jalapeño-based food products.
:'''Carl''': Eat it, Jimmy, before it gets damp.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[grabs the fork and picks it up, with the entire bowl stuck to it]'' Well, mind if I add some salt?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': ♪ Ohhhhhh...! ♪
:'''Wheezers''': ♪ Sitting and singing. Singing and sitting. Sitting -- ♪
:'''Jimmy''': Don't you guys ever just watch TV?
:'''Carl''': My mom says too much TV before bed causes brain lesions.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Second verse!
:'''Wheezers''': ♪ Sitting and singing. Singing and sitting. ♪

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys sleep tight, now.
:'''Jimmy''': But it's only 7:30!
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Now, Jimmy, early to bed, early to rise makes a man less prone to bronchial infection.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This is ridiculous. Allergies, germs, constricted nighttime airways… what's next?!
:'''Carl''': ''[wiping his hand on Jimmy's face]'' Do not fear. Only I can tame Sancho the Wonder Llama.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[losing it]'' That's it! ''[gets up and runs out]'' I can't take it anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[holding a caplet pill]'' Here we are, Goddard- total health-boost caplets. The Wheezers have sneezed their ''last'' sneeze… At least for the weekend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Jimmy! I saw the whole thing! Carl and his folks have become Ultra-Wheezers! How cool is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Come on, family! We're gonna climb Mt. Incredibly Unstable!
:''[Mrs. and Carl look scared.]''
:'''Carl''': No one's ever climbed Mt. Incredibly Unstable and lived! I'm in!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Me too.
:''[The Wheezers run off, shouting.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Neutrons and Wheezers''': ♪ Singing and standing. We're standing and singing. Burning and singing. Smoking and burning. Singing and standing, we're standing and singing, burning and singing… ♪

===''Billion Dollar Boy'' [2.17b]===
:''[After Jimmy wins the kite-flying competition]''
:'''Hugh''': Way to go, son! You made your ancestors proud.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well done, Jimmy. Well done indeed. Listen, why don't you and your &quot;people&quot; pop over to the compound for a celebratory Flurp and ice cream banquet?
:'''Jimmy''': I think I'd rather gargle liquid Nitrogen!
:'''Hugh''': Jimbo, that was rude. Now your ancestors are ashamed again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Wow, this place is awesome!
:'''Eustace''': : It's nothing, really. Sorry about the heliport, we're having it redone.
:'''Cindy''': Wow, Neutron, this sure beats the heck out of your dinky little clubhouse.
:'''Jimmy''': It's not &quot;dinky,&quot; it's ergonomic!
:'''Eustace''': Oh, no, no, no, Cindy, I'm sure that Jimmy's clubhouse is state-of-the-art-- primitive art, that is. ''[Everyone laughs as Jimmy fumes furiously]'' Thank you so much.
:'''Hugh''': He got you there, Jimbo.
:''[Jimmy growls in annoyed fury]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the dining room, Eustace and the other kids are eating different flavors of ice cream]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[amazed]'' Eustace, this is incredible! There must be over 37 different flavors!
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, well, it's all right.
:'''Eusatce''': Oh, don't be jealous, Jimmy. My ice cream is made from the purest ice-age snow gathered via time box.
:'''Jimmy''': You got a working time box?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eustace''' ''[to Jimmy]'': Make ready, Neutron: you're about to face the ultimate triumph in expensive robot technology. Blix!
:''[Blix lets a small, cat-like robot into the arena]''
:'''Carl''': Aw, it's adorable!
:'''Sheen''': They just don't make crazed, berserk robots like they used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Let the game begin!

===''Win, Lose and Kaboom!'' [2.18-20]===
:'''Jimmy''': People, people! I know what this rock is. Carl, Sheen, show the first slide.
:'''Sheen''': ''[speaking into a megaphone] SLIDE!'''''
:'''Carl''': Ow, Sheen, I'm right next to you!
:''[The lights go out and a slideshow begins the rock's history]''
:'''Jimmy''': Since 1511, there have been reports of rocks with strange symbols falling from the daytime sky. In every case, these rocks were destroyed before scientists had a chance to study them. ''These'' are those rocks. Minsk, Russia, 1653-- Rock pulverized by Imperial guards. Reykjavík, Iceland, 1810-- Also crushed. Lima, Peru, 1880-- Rock elected mayor, then overthrown by rebels.
:'''Man''': Well, at least it wasn't crushed.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Then'' crushed. Butte, Montana, 1957-- Rock made into soup and eaten by prospectors.
:''[The last photo shows Sheen snorkeling in a bathroom toilet]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[screams]'' Carl!
:'''Jimmy''': Ladies and gentlemen, the aliens that sent these message stones are today, giving Earth another chance. I implore you to let me take the rock to my lab for study!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Let's meet those life-forms now! Vandana?
:'''Vandana''': ''[appearing]'' Thanks, Meldar! They're smart, they're sassy, and they've evolved to a nonskeletal form. Meet the Brains!
:'''Kids''': ''[disgusted]'' Eww…
:'''Vandana''': Next, they've been called the sharpest species in the galaxy. Say hello to the Needleheads!
:'''Needleheads''': ''[repeatedly]'' Mib! Mib! Mib!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, man, those voices are gonna get on my nerves!
:'''Vandana''': And finally, they're a warmongering species from the Kondracke Belt, give it up for the Gorlocks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Humans of Earth. Your planet is being connected to the Galactic Cable Network, with over nine billion channels of service.
:'''Hugh''': ''[gasps]'' Free cable?! From space?!
:'''Meldar''': Enjoy watching your fellow creatures play for their lives on this addition of &quot;Intergalactic Showdown!&quot;
:'''Judy''': What did he mean, &quot;play for their lives?&quot;
:'''Hugh''': I don't know. But nine billion channels!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'm open, Neutron! Pass me the ball!
:'''Jimmy''': I know I can beat him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Uh, guys, I think building camp would go more quickly if we...
:'''Others''': ''[sharply]'' DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Each player will step forward and place their vote into the giant Head of Truth. First up, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[walks up to the table and votes for Cindy]'' I tried to be your friend, but I have a planet to save.
:'''Cindy''': ''[walks up to the table and votes for Jimmy]'' Sorry, pally. The human race can't afford another slip-up.
:'''Libby''': ''[also votes for Jimmy]'' Bye-bye, big-head.
:'''Sheen''': Well, you know what they say, dude. You can fool all the people some other time, but you can't fool the time with the people that the, the… FORGET IT! Dang!
:'''Carl''': I hope that once you get over the betrayal, you'll still come over for cookies.
:'''Bolbi''': Bolbi not wearing underpants. ''[votes himself off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meldar''': Bolbi, your team has spoken. It's time for you to ''go.''
:''[A dark hole opens under Bolbi and he falls in it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I can't believe I almost got voted off. I know everyone wants to help, but it's too risky. My genius is our only chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': I don't think we're in Retroville anymore.
:'''Jimmy''': This is all an illusion! The Brains have placed us under some sort of mass hypnosis.
:'''Sheen''': What if they make us act like chickens?!
:'''Carl''': What do we do, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': I don't know. Unless we can break their hold on us, we're completely at the Brains' mercy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': That's it?! You kidnap us into space, threaten to blow up Earth, and you think you can make it right by giving us this stupid car?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Well, guys, we saved the Earth.
:'''Sheen''': And more importantly, we won the car!
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't right. We've gotta go back!
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what are you doing?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm reprogramming the auto-pilot. I won't let all those planets be destroyed!
:'''Libby''': Are you nuts?! But we barely got out of there alive!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, we can't go yet. We've got to be sure no species will ever be forced to play this game again.
:'''Gorlock Father''': But Meldar has been destroyed! We saw it!
:'''Jimmy''': I'm afraid he's only been temporarily disrupted.
:'''Brain''': Then we must go.
:''[Everyone else agrees]''
:'''Jimmy''': Wait. Listen. Absolute power like Meldar's has to be focused through some sort of matrix generator. If we can find that generator, we can shut him down for good!
:'''Brain''': It's madness. There's no hope!
:'''Jimmy''': There is if we combine our talents. Meldar kept us weak by forcing us to compete. But together, Brain, Needlehead, Gorlock, and human, can team up to cancel his show permanently. Who's with me?
:'''April''': I am with the Earth boy! Who's up for putting &quot;Intergalactic Showdown&quot; out of business?

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

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:'''Seasons''':  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''Attack of the Twonkies'' [3.1-2]===
:''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE-'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
:'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays…
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus.
:'''Sheen''': What? You're rejecting me?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a…
:'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent…
:'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sheen volunteers again disguised as Mario with a  mustache]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE...'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you!
:'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know…
:'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy, Libby, Nick, Butch, and Miss Fowl all scold Carl after their Twonkies transformed into rampaging monsters and attacked any type of musical harmony]''
:'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class!
:'''Libby''': They busted my boom box!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace!
:'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined!
:'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again!
:'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were, I'd be saying things like &quot;I tried to tell you&quot; and &quot;Why didn't you jerks listen to me?&quot; Now all your stories have a common theme.
:'''Carl''': Painful biting?
:'''Butch''': Massive blood loss?
:'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear.
:'''Libby''': You can't stop the music!
:'''Jimmy''': We've got to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': STOP, DON'T SING!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're ten minutes late!
:'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you…
:''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year!
:'''Sam''': That's bad.
:'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up.
:'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse!
:'''Sam''': Yeah!

===''The N-Men'' [3.3]===
:''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]''
:'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship!
:'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much.
:'''Sheen''': Set boosters on &quot;Lower back&quot;! Engage!
:'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[drinks the whole bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt.
:'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?!
:'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine!
:'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?!
:'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is?!
:'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron!
:'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[belches]''
:'''Libby''': Oh, this space travel is giving me a zit! I need vanishing cream.
:'''Cindy''': You just can't admit that I smoke you in athletics.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, oh, yeah? You wanna go right now? ''[holds his hand, challenging her to an arm wrestle]''
:'''Cindy''': Bring it on, brain boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have all been given superpowers; Cindy has been given the ability of super strength, Sheen has the ability of super speed, Libby has the ability to turn invisible, and Carl has the ability to make sonic burps]''
:'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit.
:'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that?
:'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. ''[laughs along with the girls, making Jimmy cringe angrily]''
:'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime.
:'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that?
:'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes?
:'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool.
:'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30.
:'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow.
:''[All stack hands]''
:'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men!
:'''Libby''': Excuse me?!
:'''Sheen''': And two girls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy was right. We got ourselves locked up because we never learned to control our powers.
:'''Cindy''': Well maybe it's time we start learning! Who's up for a little superpower practice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy's Lab; Three days later…]''
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[starts throwing a furious fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''all'' pay! ''[zoom in on his eye; growls furiously]'' What's wrong with me? ''[eye color changes burnt green; voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain!
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of his clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Listen to me, people. We can't let the army keep our babies in that horrible Area 86.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Yeah, it's probably crawling with germs and all sorts of allergies.
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': My Cindy's too delicate. She can't do hard time.
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': And my poor Libby doesn't have a thing to wear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]''
:'''Judy''': ''[stepping in, trying to defend her hulk-like son]'' No, don't! You're only making him angry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches?
:'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous.
:'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you.
:'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup!
:'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron!
:'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him.
:'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him!
:'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[getting a drink from a nearby river]'' Jimmy thirsty. ''[sees his normal self in the river]''
:'''Jimmy''': Snap out of it, Jimmy! These powers are sapping your friends' life forces. If you don't get a hold of yourself, they're all doomed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Get a hold of yourself! If they keep using their powers like this, they'll burn up their life forces and be gone forever!

===''Lights! Camera! Danger!'' [3.4]===
:''[repeated line]''
:'''Quentin Smithee''': And action!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing?
:'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] get lost!

===''Fundemonium'' [3.5]===
:'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Oopsie!

===''Stranded'' [3.6]===
:'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator!
:'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean!
:'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain!
:'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone!
:'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts.
:'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things.
:'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! 
:''[grumbling sound]''
:'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings.
:'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine.
:'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say?
:'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on &quot;E&quot; for…&quot;engored with gas&quot;…? ''[motor stops and hover car falling]'' 
:''[Everyone is screaming]''
:'''Libby''': Assume crash positions!
:'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''[Carl and Sheen making faces]''
:'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''[Everyone screams again]'' 
:''[Hover car splash in the ocean]''
:'''Carl''': Is everybody okay?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!
:'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen.
:'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brain knows that &quot;E&quot; stands for... uh.... &quot;elp yourself to some gas&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad.
:'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''[record scratches]'' Did you just call me Jimmy?
:'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name…
:'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was &quot;Neutroid&quot;, or &quot;Speutron&quot;, or &quot;King Cranium&quot; or &quot;Frankenhead&quot;...
:'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember.
:'''Cindy''': I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person.
:'''Jimmy''': R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you.
:'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you.
:'''Jimmy''': Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together?
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
:'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''[throws the chocolate away]'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''[he grabs Carl]''
:'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard.
:'''Sheen''': ''[He halts]'' Why not?
:'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''[they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow]'' Guys, did you hear something?
:'''Carl''': It wasn't me.
:'''Libby''': ''[gasps]'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention!
:'''Carl''': But they're so far away.
:'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''[sees an emergency button]'' I think this is it.
:'''Carl''': &quot;For emergencies only.&quot;
:'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT!
:''[A light points towards the ship and explosion]''
:'''Passengers''': We're okay!
:'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?!
:'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz?
:'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank.
:''[Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen picks up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank]''
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those?
:'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look!
:''[Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like…
:''[Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock]''
:'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw!
:'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank!
:'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''[record stretches]''
:'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Jimmy Goes to College'' [3.7]===
:'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt!

===''The Tomorrow Boys'' [3.8]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you… Jimmy Neutron?
:'''Future Jimmy''': Well, lookie here. Me, Carl and Sheen back in the day. Come on in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!
:'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married?
:''[The word &quot;married&quot; repeats itself, slowing down each time.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO…''''' ''[commercial break, after which he's still screaming]'' '''''…OOO!'''''
:'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim.
:'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Look, the birthday girl. Okay, I can explain. In the future, you're mad with power...
:'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' Oh, I'm ''mad'' all right!
:''[Libby throws Jimmy, Carl and Sheen out of the house and slams the door.]''
:'''Jimmy''': We'll explain all this to Libby after we save the future.
:'''Sheen''': Right. I won't let my dear, sweet Libby become a horrible dictator! Although if she wants to wear the outfit, that's cool.
:'''Carl''': Guys, look!
:'''CopBot''': Is this the place?
:''[The squirrel squeaks and CopBot interrupts the party but it stopped by Butch]''
:'''Kid''': Hey!
:'''Butch''': Hey, Tin Man, this is a private party! ''[CopBot blasts Butch]'' Enjoy the punch...!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, just stay low and maybe he won't...
:'''Carl''': '''''I SURRENDER! I CAN'T BE ON THE LAM MY WHOLE LIFE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE LAMB--IT'S TO GAMEY!'''''
:'''CopBot''': Oh, look! I am now authorized to use deadly force.
:''[Copbot uses the lasers to shoot the trio and gets hit by Goddard]''
:'''CopBot''':  Again, I fall.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard! You saved us!
:'''Libby''': And take your dog, too! ''[slams the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future!
:'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at a really furious Libby]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain.
:'''Libby''': ''[incredibly enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house!
:'''Sheen''': But…
:'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroyed my gifts!
:'''Sheen''': But… but…
:'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!'''''

===''The League of Villains'' [3.9-10]===
:''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]''
:'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs…
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyingly impatient]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby. Deal with it.
:'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it.
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing &quot;The Happy Song.&quot; ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪
:'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee.
:'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?!
:'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead.
:'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?!
:'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all!
:'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer.
:'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of... ''JIMMY NEUTRON! [the villains cheer and the screen shows footage of Jimmy defeating them throughout the series]'' For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of the galaxy and let evil triumph!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of &quot;Girls stay behind the yellow line&quot; did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J?
:'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing.
:'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes.
:'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again!
:'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend!
:'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world!
:'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The N-Men|last time we were the N-Men?]]
:'''Cindy''': Yes.
:'''Libby''': Yes.
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then.
:'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up.
:'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right, it was you!
:'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand?
:'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er.
:'''Cindy''': We've changed.
:'''Jimmy''': People don't change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters.
:'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks!
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will!
:'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman.
:'''The Junkman''': Yuck!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface.
:'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous.
:'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll…
:'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': ''[flies off his skateboard from running into a fire hydrant and breaks his leg; whining]'' Why does this keep happening to me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the League of Villains circle around Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[wakes up and gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace (Strych), Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee!
:'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]''
:'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you're putting me on trial?!
:'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book.
:'''Jimmy''': What book?
:'''King Goobot''': &quot;The Big Book of Sham Trials.&quot; Be seated, jury.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby?
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury.
:'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted.
:'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote?
:'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]''
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say…
:'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict.
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant?
:'''Villains''': Guilty!
:'''Jimmy''': What a shock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space!
:'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, would you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous?
:'''The Junkman''': Gladly.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie?
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby.
:''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]''
:'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl.
:'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary.
:'''Jimmy''': Why not?
:'''Sheen''': They're right there.
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving.
:'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened!
:'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her.
:'''Judy''': ''[offended]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons…
:'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting.
:'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]''
:'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework.
:'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks.
:'''Man''': I'll just have soup.
:'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks!
:'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice.
:'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby!
:'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you?
:'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good!
:'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you…
:'''Jimmy''': What plan?!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, right.
:'''Jimmy''': Almost there!
:''[The League of Villains emerge from the Junkman's ship and block their way]''
:'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people!
:'''King Goobot''': Isn't this lovely? Now, you all get to be blasted into deep space with your good friend, Jimmy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Carl confusingly mixes up the N-Men packets, and gives Jimmy the love potion instead, he, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby have been given the wrong powers]''
:'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets!
:'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you have super strength! Sock somebody!
:''[Sheen starts charging towards the Junkman to sock him, but misses]''
:'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]''
:'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy pours the love potion into a hollow stalagmite as a blowgun and blows it on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them fall in love with each other]''
:'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us.
:'''Libby''': There's the moon. We can hide there!
:'''Jimmy''': Good idea.
:'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, &quot;I Love Jimmy.&quot; ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪
:'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains.
:'''Sheen''': Good call.
:'''Cindy''': Agreed.
:'''Carl''': Can't blame you.
:'''Libby''': Word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville.
:'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike.
:'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake!
:'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past.
:'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys- yeah.
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait- I know this joke!
:'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains?
:'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while.

===''Who's Your Mommy?'' [3.11a]===
:'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy… Again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers into Sheen's ear]''
:'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!'''''
:'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, ''[notices Carl shaking his head no]'' and, why are you nodding no?
:'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage.
:'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful.

===''Clash of the Cousins'' [3.11b]===
:''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Uncle Newt and Aunt Kari's house to celebrate Aunt Amanda's birthday with the other Neutrons]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her birthday present]'' Happy Birthday, Great Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year.
:'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks to you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life!
:'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times.
:'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all.
:'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS!
:'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again?
:'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We've gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can't you be nice like your two young friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Jimmy is blamed for the presents exploding and not allowed to leave the house as punishment…]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, are you okay?
:'''Sheen''': Cheer up, Jimmy. We brought you some of Aunt Kari's world-famous, migraine-inducing desserts.
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There's no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating?
:'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An '''''evil''''' genius.
:'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating.
:'''Sheen''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Sorry.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be… Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb.
:'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy.
:'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives!
:'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME!
:'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks.
:'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that…
:'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty- bah-bing!
:'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!
:'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings.
:'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[zaps Goddard with his rattle and sees a tritium battery]'' Oh! What do we have here? A tritium battery, and a big one!
:'''Jimmy''': Eddie, no! If that battery goes critical, it could take out the entire family!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Duh! You know, Jimmy, sometimes you're almost as dumb as Gomer.
:'''Cousin Gomer''': You know there's match two, man!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, FYI, those rings will keep shrinking until the life's completely squeezed out of you!
:'''Sheen''': You adorable fiend!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''Arrivederci'', losers! ''[wickedly cackles and exits the nursery, unaware that Goddard is still operative]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[sneaks past the family and places the battery in the birthday candle]'' ''Zappa du ba-ba, zappa du ba-ba, Zap, Zap, Zappity bo-ba!''
:'''Hugh''': All right, it's time for Aunt Amanda's birthday cake, everyone. Come on! ''[the family heads to the cake and Hugh places the candle holder on top of the cake]''
:'''Neutron Family''': ''[singing]'' ''Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday'' ''[suddenly Baby Eddie zaps the battery in the cake, much to the family's horror]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[races outside the house riding on Goddard]'' GET DOWN, EVERYONE! ''[the adult Neutrons duck for cover as Jimmy removes the bomb and throws it into the sky, where Goddard blows it up with lasers before making a landing; facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. ''[he and Baby Eddie have a brawl that ends with him launching Eddie who hits a picnic table, sending party hats and presents flying everywhere and catapulting the birthday cake, which lands on Great Aunt Amanda's head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?!
:'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[in baby voice]'' Goo.
:'''Hugh''': He takes after ''her'' side of the family! ''[points at Judy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh!
:'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me.
:''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again!
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari. I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload.
:''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]''
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked as he accidentally reveals his true colors while Jimmy grins smugly]'' Uh, I mean… ''[in baby voice]'' Goo?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! ''[to Jimmy]'' It's Jimmy who's the good nephew!
:''[The adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy and forgive him as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all.
:'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling?
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird.
:'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is.

===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding'' [3.12]===

===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen'' [3.13]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as &quot;The Chosen One&quot;]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train.
:'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor?
:'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice!
:'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it?
:''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]''
:'''Master Hong''': Yes?
:'''Jimmy''': Master Hong?
:'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu?
:'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand.
:'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head!

===''The Incredible Shrinking Town'' [3.14]===
:'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little Munchkins. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy.
:'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. ''[dramatically]'' It's like…it's like…
:'''Sheen''': Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall?
:'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV!
:''[Goddard flies into the living room]''
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this?
:'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame.
:'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[guilty]'' Kind of.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better…
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big, Neutron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, how long do you think we're gonna be small?
:'''Jimmy''': As long as it takes me to build another resizing ray. In the meantime, everyone in Retroville will just have to go on with their lives.
:'''Carl''': Hmm… I wonder what that will be like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship]''
:'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger - ''again!''
:'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood.
:'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship.
:'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich! ''[hugs it]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. Alien Man, I am your conscience.
:'''Travoltron''': Hey, cool-- voices in my head.
:'''Carl''': Um, Zix-- he thinks you're a jerk. And you have stinky feet and you're ugly and I bet he's not even going to get you a birthday present.
:'''Travoltron''': No birthday present?
:'''Zix''': For the last time, Travoltron, I do not want a manly hug.
:'''Travoltron''': Oh, yeah? How about a knuckle sandwich, you no-present-giving casazich!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Zix's voice]'' But I still think Tee is as dumb as a post.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After returning home to Earth and Jimmy returning all the citizens back to their normal size…]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[standing on a podium]'' Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've all learned something in the past few days. Size is not important. It doesn't matter if you're big or if you're small. So be happy with who you are.
:'''Mayor Quadar''': For saving the citizens of Retroville from a life as toys, we award the Retroville Trophy of Honor to James Isaac Neutron. ''[gives Jimmy the trophy]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[pulls Jimmy down from the podium and stands on it]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody this was ''ALL'' Neutron's fault?!
:'''Mayor Quadar''': Oh, the loud girl has a point. ''[takes the trophy out of Jimmy's hands]'' Chainsaw! ''[A man cuts the trophy in half with a chainsaw]'' For reminding us that this was all Jimmy's fault, we present half of the Retroville Trophy of Honor to Cindy Vortex.
:''[The crowd cheers as Cindy is presented the main body of the trophy while Jimmy receives the legs, to his dismay]''

===''One of Us'' [3.15a]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after Libby turns off the radio]'' Libby, did you just turn some music off?
:'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling creepily]'' Hello, Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; last night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy watches &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; at his house and finds it horrible]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' It was the worst show I had ever seen. ''[turns off the TV; enters school the next day]'' The next day at school, the strangeness continued.
:'''Students''': ''[surprising Jimmy as he walks next to them]'' Hi, Jimmy.
:'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched &quot;The Happy Show Show?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on?
:'''Libby''': You need to watch it again.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness!
:'''Carl''': You should give it another chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[watching Betty being hypnotized by Grandma Taters' show while standing outside her house; narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! (Luckily,) It didn't affect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters, trying to get Betty his attention]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV!
:'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents have been hypnotized too]''
:'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you.
:'''Jimmy''': You too?
:'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[dashes out of the house]'' '''''NO!'''''
:'''Judy''': Shall we chase him?
:'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier.
:''[Jimmy runs downtown]''
:'''Sam''': Watch the show, Jimmy.
:'''Corky Shimatzu''': Yes, you must watch it. It's fabulous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' As we flew into the outskirts of town, I told Cindy the whole story. And that's what happened! The entire town is happy zombies! And the world may be next!
:'''Cindy''': So, uh, why were you at Betty Quinlan's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Research. Now I may be able to track the broadcast beam of the TV show and find its originating source. I got it! Cindy, it's up to us to stop this thing... together.
:'''Cindy''': So, um, what did you do at Betty's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Nothing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Cindy arrive at the Retroville Rest Home and see Grandma Taters through the window, preparing to broadcast her show to the entire world]''
:'''Cindy''': That's her? She's so sweet and innocent looking.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, so are child stars. Wait here and keep a look out for any of the happy ones. I'm going in to stop her. ''[barges in, facing her]'' Grandma Taters, I presume!
:'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy?
:'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The happy zombies strap Jimmy to a restraint chair]''
:'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints!
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me!
:'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it.
:'''Hugh''':  Positively ecstatic.
:'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes!
:'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true.
:'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies!
:'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed.
:'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[to Jimmy and Cindy]'' We'll be… ''[lifts up her glasses, revealing her dark evil alien eyes; in a malicious tone]'' '''''back!'''''

===''Vanishing Act'' [3.15b]===

===''The Trouble with Clones'' [3.16]===
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna.
:'''Man''': ''[on satellite phone] Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me. Ivanna Shake My Booty!''
:''[Laughter is heard through the phone]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch?
:''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]''
:'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you don't know how dangerous that thing is!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away] Hasta la vista,'' big-head!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, he notices that Evil Jimmy clogged up the ignition with a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone.
:''[Later… Jimmy is scrubbing the watermelon off in his rocket's ignition]''
:'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky?
:'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet up in the sky; gasps]''
:'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard activates his telescope and analyzes the planet with the screen revealing the planet to be an evil cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! ''[End of Act I; Beginning Act II]'' My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives on cloned Earth and sees everyone in Retroville acting rude, mean, and cruel]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[disguises himself to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. ''[sees an incoming car about to hit a woman]'' Look out! ''[rushes in and saves her]''
:'''Evil Woman''': Oh! Young man, that was so brave and decent of you. What are you, some kind of sicko?! HELP! ''[bashes Jimmy's head with her purse]'' A goodie! You freak!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection.
:'''Evil Sam''': I aim to displeased, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Carl''': ''[as the bell rings]'' Get inside, dirtbag! ''[pushes Jimmy in Evil Miss Fowl's classroom]''
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies.
:'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique.
:'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!''
:'''Evil Nick''': No! You can't! ''[Evil Butch forces him out of his seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
:'''Evil Libby''': Assume the position!
:'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]''
:'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting some roses in a trash can and dumps them out]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. ''[throws the trash can aside]''
:'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both laugh evilly]''
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right?
:'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son.
:'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks.
:''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc?
:'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud.
:'''Jimmy''': Don't do this, evil clone. If the duplication process isn't reversed, my entire home planet will fade into oblivion!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Bingo, Einstein, in about 59 seconds. Wave bye-bye to Loserville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes! I undid the duplication process. Now my Earth will grow more solid as this one starts to fade.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Yeah, well, don't get too proud of yourself, Sunshine. I still got a trick or two up my sleeve. ''[takes out the power chip, planning to break it]''
:'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul the Three-Eyed Monkey''': (DNA Productions logo) Now what do you want me to say now?

===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?'' [3.18a]===

===''Flippy'' [3.18b]===

===''How to Sink a Sub'' [3.19a]===
:''[Episode starts with the faculty of Lindbergh Elementary entering hyperspace in Principal Willoughby's car]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass.
:'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet!
:'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we?
:'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. ''[squawks]'' I've got a good idea who's responsible for this!
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; the kids are all in Miss Fowl's classroom, cheering and whooping while Jimmy stands on Miss Fowl's desk]''
:'''Jimmy''': Friends, students, kids, lend me your ears! You may have noticed that Miss Fowl isn't here this morning.
:'''Libby''': Shouldn't they have returned from the Learn-a-palooza conference by now?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks to my new hyper-chip, none of our teachers will be back for an entire week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out!
:''[they throw a party]''
:'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! ''[gets hit]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[flying around the hallway with a rocket board]'' Coming through, watch it! ''[his rocket board gets magnitized]'' Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! ''[screams as he's pulled by his enraged mother; shocked]'' Mom?!
:'''Judy''': ''[sharply]'' You are ''so'' grounded, mister!
:'''Hugh''': ''[pops out of a nearby trash can]'' She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over.
:'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents.
:'''Judy''': ''[firmly]'' You bring your teachers back, this instant.
:'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly] '''QUIET!!!'''''
:''[The students all stop partying]''
:'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers.
:''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers?
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing!
:'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't make me blow this whistle, young man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you.
:'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back!
:'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch?
:'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say it's time to ''sink some subs.''
:''[Meanwhile, in hyperspace…]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Keep searching, everyone. We're looking for some type of shiny, blink-y, science-y gizmo.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Do they have restrooms in hyperspace?
:'''Coach Grubber''': I'm keeping any change I find!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Neutron, this coffee you made is absolutely delicious!
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, but my secret ingredient is the low-cal sweetener Judy brought. ''[takes out the concentrated hormone bottle Judy took from Jimmy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's not the low-cal sweetener! That's the bottle I took from Jimmy this morning!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Well, it tastes marvelous.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''Sí, so robusto.''
:'''Judy''': ''[worriedly]'' Oh... dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself!
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, stop! You gotta listen! You've been exposed to a concentrated hormone! If you don't calm down, it could damage your entire endocrine systems!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[drops down on the ground, starting his 40 pushups as punishment; straining]'' You're not... the boss... of me.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sharply]'' Double time, Neutron!

===''Lady Sings The News'' [3.19b]===
:'''Carl''': Hi. Who wants to see my head spin around?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good evening. I'm Jimmy Neutron here now with the news. Tragedy struck Retroville today as local boy, Nick Dean, broke his leg for the 15th time this year. Nick is expected to make a full recovery and break his leg again soon after. Cindy?
:'''Cindy''': Foreign exchange student, Bolbi Stroganovsky, officially entered the Miss Retroville beauty pageant today. Asked to explain his action, Mr. Stroganovsky replied… ''[imitating Bolbi]'' &quot;Bolbi pretty. Bolbi win pageant-- good.&quot; ''[normally]'' Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Butch Bukowski was today awarded the Bully of the Year award from the Juvenile Delinquent Society. In a tear-filled speech, Bukowski accepted the award, then used it to beat his host about the head, neck, and chest. And now, let's go to the always jolly Dr. Carl in the Weather Center.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a-
:''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]''
:'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' ...tree.

===''King of Mars'' [3.20]===
:'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored.
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night.
:'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input.
:'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab?
:'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars?
:'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets.
:'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look.
:'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent?
:'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Is that who I think it is? How delicious! Hello, Neutron.
:'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you?
:'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser!
:'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist!
:'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex!  Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you!

===''El Magnifico'' [3.21a]===

===''Best in Show'' [3.21b]===
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''&quot;Dear, Master. Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard.&quot;''' He ran away! ''[typing on the computer]'' Access Goddard tracking device. ''[an &quot;ACCESS DENIED&quot; error appears on the screen; groans]'' He decommissioned his tracking device! ''[yelling from the window]'' '''''GODDARD!!!'''''

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

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:'''Seasons''':  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''Attack of the Twonkies'' [3.1-2]===
:''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE-'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
:'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays…
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus.
:'''Sheen''': What? You're rejecting me?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a…
:'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent…
:'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sheen volunteers again disguised as Mario with a  mustache]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE...'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you!
:'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know…
:'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy, Libby, Nick, Butch, and Miss Fowl all scold Carl after their Twonkies transformed into rampaging monsters and attacked any type of musical harmony]''
:'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class!
:'''Libby''': They busted my boom box!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace!
:'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined!
:'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again!
:'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were, I'd be saying things like &quot;I tried to tell you&quot; and &quot;Why didn't you jerks listen to me?&quot; Now all your stories have a common theme.
:'''Carl''': Painful biting?
:'''Butch''': Massive blood loss?
:'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear.
:'''Libby''': You can't stop the music!
:'''Jimmy''': We've got to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': STOP, DON'T SING!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're ten minutes late!
:'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you…
:''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year!
:'''Sam''': That's bad.
:'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up.
:'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse!
:'''Sam''': Yeah!

===''The N-Men'' [3.3]===
:''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]''
:'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship!
:'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much.
:'''Sheen''': Set boosters on &quot;Lower back&quot;! Engage!
:'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[drinks the whole bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt.
:'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?!
:'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine!
:'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?!
:'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is?!
:'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron!
:'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[belches]''
:'''Libby''': Oh, this space travel is giving me a zit! I need vanishing cream.
:'''Cindy''': You just can't admit that I smoke you in athletics.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, oh, yeah? You wanna go right now? ''[holds his hand, challenging her to an arm wrestle]''
:'''Cindy''': Bring it on, brain boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have all been given superpowers; Cindy has been given the ability of super strength, Sheen has the ability of super speed, Libby has the ability to turn invisible, and Carl has the ability to make sonic burps]''
:'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit.
:'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that?
:'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. ''[laughs along with the girls, making Jimmy cringe angrily]''
:'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime.
:'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that?
:'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes?
:'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool.
:'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30.
:'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow.
:''[All stack hands]''
:'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men!
:'''Libby''': Excuse me?!
:'''Sheen''': And two girls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy was right. We got ourselves locked up because we never learned to control our powers.
:'''Cindy''': Well maybe it's time we start learning! Who's up for a little superpower practice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy's Lab; Three days later…]''
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[starts throwing a furious fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''all'' pay! ''[zoom in on his eye; growls furiously]'' What's wrong with me? ''[eye color changes burnt green; voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain!
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of his clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Listen to me, people. We can't let the army keep our babies in that horrible Area 86.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Yeah, it's probably crawling with germs and all sorts of allergies.
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': My Cindy's too delicate. She can't do hard time.
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': And my poor Libby doesn't have a thing to wear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]''
:'''Judy''': ''[stepping in, trying to defend her hulk-like son]'' No, don't! You're only making him angry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches?
:'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous.
:'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you.
:'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup!
:'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron!
:'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him.
:'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him!
:'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[getting a drink from a nearby river]'' Jimmy thirsty. ''[sees his normal self in the river]''
:'''Jimmy''': Snap out of it, Jimmy! These powers are sapping your friends' life forces. If you don't get a hold of yourself, they're all doomed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Get a hold of yourself! If they keep using their powers like this, they'll burn up their life forces and be gone forever!

===''Lights! Camera! Danger!'' [3.4]===
:''[repeated line]''
:'''Quentin Smithee''': And action!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing?
:'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] get lost!

===''Fundemonium'' [3.5]===
:'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Oopsie!

===''Stranded'' [3.6]===
:'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator!
:'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean!
:'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain!
:'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone!
:'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts.
:'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things.
:'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! 
:''[grumbling sound]''
:'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings.
:'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine.
:'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say?
:'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on &quot;E&quot; for…&quot;engored with gas&quot;…? ''[motor stops and hover car falling]'' 
:''[Everyone is screaming]''
:'''Libby''': Assume crash positions!
:'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''[Carl and Sheen making faces]''
:'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''[Everyone screams again]'' 
:''[Hover car splash in the ocean]''
:'''Carl''': Is everybody okay?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!
:'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen.
:'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brain knows that &quot;E&quot; stands for... uh.... &quot;elp yourself to some gas&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad.
:'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''[record scratches]'' Did you just call me Jimmy?
:'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name…
:'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was &quot;Neutroid&quot;, or &quot;Speutron&quot;, or &quot;King Cranium&quot; or &quot;Frankenhead&quot;...
:'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember.
:'''Cindy''': I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person.
:'''Jimmy''': R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you.
:'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you.
:'''Jimmy''': Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together?
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
:'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''[throws the chocolate away]'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''[he grabs Carl]''
:'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard.
:'''Sheen''': ''[He halts]'' Why not?
:'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''[they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow]'' Guys, did you hear something?
:'''Carl''': It wasn't me.
:'''Libby''': ''[gasps]'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention!
:'''Carl''': But they're so far away.
:'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''[sees an emergency button]'' I think this is it.
:'''Carl''': &quot;For emergencies only.&quot;
:'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT!
:''[A light points towards the ship and explosion]''
:'''Passengers''': We're okay!
:'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?!
:'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz?
:'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank.
:''[Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen picks up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank]''
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those?
:'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look!
:''[Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like…
:''[Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock]''
:'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw!
:'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank!
:'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''[record stretches]''
:'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Jimmy Goes to College'' [3.7]===
:'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt!

===''The Tomorrow Boys'' [3.8]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you… Jimmy Neutron?
:'''Future Jimmy''': Well, lookie here. Me, Carl and Sheen back in the day. Come on in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!
:'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married?
:''[The word &quot;married&quot; repeats itself, slowing down each time.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO…''''' ''[commercial break, after which he's still screaming]'' '''''…OOO!'''''
:'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim.
:'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Look, the birthday girl. Okay, I can explain. In the future, you're mad with power...
:'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' Oh, I'm ''mad'' all right!
:''[Libby throws Jimmy, Carl and Sheen out of the house and slams the door.]''
:'''Jimmy''': We'll explain all this to Libby after we save the future.
:'''Sheen''': Right. I won't let my dear, sweet Libby become a horrible dictator! Although if she wants to wear the outfit, that's cool.
:'''Carl''': Guys, look!
:'''CopBot''': Is this the place?
:''[The squirrel squeaks and CopBot interrupts the party but it stopped by Butch]''
:'''Kid''': Hey!
:'''Butch''': Hey, Tin Man, this is a private party! ''[CopBot blasts Butch]'' Enjoy the punch...!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, just stay low and maybe he won't...
:'''Carl''': '''''I SURRENDER! I CAN'T BE ON THE LAM MY WHOLE LIFE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE LAMB--IT'S TO GAMEY!'''''
:'''CopBot''': Oh, look! I am now authorized to use deadly force.
:''[Copbot uses the lasers to shoot the trio and gets hit by Goddard]''
:'''CopBot''':  Again, I fall.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard! You saved us!
:'''Libby''': And take your dog, too! ''[slams the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future!
:'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at a really furious Libby]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain.
:'''Libby''': ''[incredibly enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house!
:'''Sheen''': But…
:'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroyed my gifts!
:'''Sheen''': But… but…
:'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!'''''

===''The League of Villains'' [3.9-10]===
:''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]''
:'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs…
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyingly impatient]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby. Deal with it.
:'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it.
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing &quot;The Happy Song.&quot; ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪
:'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee.
:'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?!
:'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead.
:'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?!
:'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all!
:'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer.
:'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of... ''JIMMY NEUTRON! [the villains cheer and the screen shows footage of Jimmy defeating them throughout the series]'' For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of the galaxy and let evil triumph!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of &quot;Girls stay behind the yellow line&quot; did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J?
:'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing.
:'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes.
:'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again!
:'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend!
:'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world!
:'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The N-Men|last time we were the N-Men?]]
:'''Cindy''': Yes.
:'''Libby''': Yes.
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then.
:'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up.
:'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right, it was you!
:'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand?
:'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er.
:'''Cindy''': We've changed.
:'''Jimmy''': People don't change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters.
:'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks!
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will!
:'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman.
:'''The Junkman''': Yuck!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface.
:'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous.
:'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll…
:'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': ''[flies off his skateboard from running into a fire hydrant and breaks his leg; whining]'' Why does this keep happening to me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the League of Villains circle around Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[wakes up and gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace (Strych), Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee!
:'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]''
:'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you're putting me on trial?!
:'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book.
:'''Jimmy''': What book?
:'''King Goobot''': &quot;The Big Book of Sham Trials.&quot; Be seated, jury.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby?
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury.
:'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted.
:'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote?
:'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]''
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say…
:'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict.
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant?
:'''Villains''': Guilty!
:'''Jimmy''': What a shock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space!
:'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, would you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous?
:'''The Junkman''': Gladly.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie?
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby.
:''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]''
:'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl.
:'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary.
:'''Jimmy''': Why not?
:'''Sheen''': They're right there.
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving.
:'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened!
:'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her.
:'''Judy''': ''[offended]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons…
:'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting.
:'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]''
:'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework.
:'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks.
:'''Man''': I'll just have soup.
:'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks!
:'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice.
:'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby!
:'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you?
:'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good!
:'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you…
:'''Jimmy''': What plan?!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, right.
:'''Jimmy''': Almost there!
:''[The League of Villains emerge from the Junkman's ship and block their way]''
:'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people!
:'''King Goobot''': Isn't this lovely? Now, you all get to be blasted into deep space with your good friend, Jimmy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Carl confusingly mixes up the N-Men packets, and gives Jimmy the love potion instead, he, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby have been given the wrong powers]''
:'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets!
:'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you have super strength! Sock somebody!
:''[Sheen starts charging towards the Junkman to sock him, but misses]''
:'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]''
:'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy pours the love potion into a hollow stalagmite as a blowgun and blows it on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them fall in love with each other]''
:'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us.
:'''Libby''': There's the moon. We can hide there!
:'''Jimmy''': Good idea.
:'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, &quot;I Love Jimmy.&quot; ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪
:'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains.
:'''Sheen''': Good call.
:'''Cindy''': Agreed.
:'''Carl''': Can't blame you.
:'''Libby''': Word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville.
:'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike.
:'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake!
:'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past.
:'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys- yeah.
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait- I know this joke!
:'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains?
:'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while.

===''Who's Your Mommy?'' [3.11a]===
:'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy… Again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers into Sheen's ear]''
:'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!'''''
:'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, ''[notices Carl shaking his head no]'' and, why are you nodding no?
:'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage.
:'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful.

===''Clash of the Cousins'' [3.11b]===
:''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Uncle Newt and Aunt Kari's house to celebrate Aunt Amanda's birthday with the other Neutrons]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her birthday present]'' Happy Birthday, Great Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year.
:'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks to you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life!
:'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times.
:'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all.
:'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS!
:'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again?
:'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We've gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can't you be nice like your two young friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Jimmy is blamed for the presents exploding and not allowed to leave the house as punishment…]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, are you okay?
:'''Sheen''': Cheer up, Jimmy. We brought you some of Aunt Kari's world-famous, migraine-inducing desserts.
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There's no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating?
:'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An '''''evil''''' genius.
:'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating.
:'''Sheen''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Sorry.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be… Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb.
:'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy.
:'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives!
:'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME!
:'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks.
:'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that…
:'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty- bah-bing!
:'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!
:'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings.
:'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[zaps Goddard with his rattle and sees a tritium battery]'' Oh! What do we have here? A tritium battery, and a big one!
:'''Jimmy''': Eddie, no! If that battery goes critical, it could take out the entire family!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Duh! You know, Jimmy, sometimes you're almost as dumb as Gomer.
:'''Cousin Gomer''': You know there's match two, man!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, FYI, those rings will keep shrinking until the life's completely squeezed out of you!
:'''Sheen''': You adorable fiend!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''Arrivederci'', losers! ''[wickedly cackles and exits the nursery, unaware that Goddard is still operative]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[sneaks past the family and places the battery in the birthday candle]'' ''Zappa du ba-ba, zappa du ba-ba, Zap, Zap, Zappity bo-ba!''
:'''Hugh''': All right, it's time for Aunt Amanda's birthday cake, everyone. Come on! ''[the family heads to the cake; places the candle holder on top of the cake]''
:'''Neutron Family''': ''[singing]'' Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday! [suddenly Baby Eddie zaps the battery in the cake, much to the family's horror]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[races outside the house riding on Goddard]'' GET DOWN, EVERYONE! ''[the adult Neutrons duck for cover as Jimmy removes the bomb and throws it into the sky, where Goddard blows it up with lasers before making a landing; facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. ''[he and Baby Eddie have a brawl that ends with him launching Eddie who hits a picnic table, sending party hats and presents flying everywhere and catapulting the birthday cake, which lands on Aunt Amanda's head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?!
:'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[in baby voice]'' Goo.
:'''Hugh''': He takes after ''her'' side of the family! ''[points at Judy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh!
:'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me.
:''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again!
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari. I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload.
:''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]''
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked as he accidentally reveals his true colors while Jimmy grins smugly]'' Uh, I mean… ''[in baby voice]'' Goo?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! ''[to Jimmy]'' It's Jimmy who's the good nephew!
:''[The adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy and forgive him as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all.
:'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling?
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird.
:'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is.

===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding'' [3.12]===

===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen'' [3.13]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as &quot;The Chosen One&quot;]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train.
:'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor?
:'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice!
:'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it?
:''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]''
:'''Master Hong''': Yes?
:'''Jimmy''': Master Hong?
:'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu?
:'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand.
:'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head!

===''The Incredible Shrinking Town'' [3.14]===
:'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little Munchkins. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy.
:'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. ''[dramatically]'' It's like…it's like…
:'''Sheen''': Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall?
:'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV!
:''[Goddard flies into the living room]''
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this?
:'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame.
:'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[guilty]'' Kind of.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better…
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big, Neutron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, how long do you think we're gonna be small?
:'''Jimmy''': As long as it takes me to build another resizing ray. In the meantime, everyone in Retroville will just have to go on with their lives.
:'''Carl''': Hmm… I wonder what that will be like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship]''
:'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger - ''again!''
:'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood.
:'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship.
:'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich! ''[hugs it]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. Alien Man, I am your conscience.
:'''Travoltron''': Hey, cool-- voices in my head.
:'''Carl''': Um, Zix-- he thinks you're a jerk. And you have stinky feet and you're ugly and I bet he's not even going to get you a birthday present.
:'''Travoltron''': No birthday present?
:'''Zix''': For the last time, Travoltron, I do not want a manly hug.
:'''Travoltron''': Oh, yeah? How about a knuckle sandwich, you no-present-giving casazich!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Zix's voice]'' But I still think Tee is as dumb as a post.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After returning home to Earth and Jimmy returning all the citizens back to their normal size…]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[standing on a podium]'' Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've all learned something in the past few days. Size is not important. It doesn't matter if you're big or if you're small. So be happy with who you are.
:'''Mayor Quadar''': For saving the citizens of Retroville from a life as toys, we award the Retroville Trophy of Honor to James Isaac Neutron. ''[gives Jimmy the trophy]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[pulls Jimmy down from the podium and stands on it]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody this was ''ALL'' Neutron's fault?!
:'''Mayor Quadar''': Oh, the loud girl has a point. ''[takes the trophy out of Jimmy's hands]'' Chainsaw! ''[A man cuts the trophy in half with a chainsaw]'' For reminding us that this was all Jimmy's fault, we present half of the Retroville Trophy of Honor to Cindy Vortex.
:''[The crowd cheers as Cindy is presented the main body of the trophy while Jimmy receives the legs, to his dismay]''

===''One of Us'' [3.15a]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after Libby turns off the radio]'' Libby, did you just turn some music off?
:'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling creepily]'' Hello, Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; last night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy watches &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; at his house and finds it horrible]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' It was the worst show I had ever seen. ''[turns off the TV; enters school the next day]'' The next day at school, the strangeness continued.
:'''Students''': ''[surprising Jimmy as he walks next to them]'' Hi, Jimmy.
:'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched &quot;The Happy Show Show?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on?
:'''Libby''': You need to watch it again.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness!
:'''Carl''': You should give it another chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[watching Betty being hypnotized by Grandma Taters' show while standing outside her house; narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! (Luckily,) It didn't affect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters, trying to get Betty his attention]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV!
:'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents have been hypnotized too]''
:'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you.
:'''Jimmy''': You too?
:'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[dashes out of the house]'' '''''NO!'''''
:'''Judy''': Shall we chase him?
:'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier.
:''[Jimmy runs downtown]''
:'''Sam''': Watch the show, Jimmy.
:'''Corky Shimatzu''': Yes, you must watch it. It's fabulous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' As we flew into the outskirts of town, I told Cindy the whole story. And that's what happened! The entire town is happy zombies! And the world may be next!
:'''Cindy''': So, uh, why were you at Betty Quinlan's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Research. Now I may be able to track the broadcast beam of the TV show and find its originating source. I got it! Cindy, it's up to us to stop this thing... together.
:'''Cindy''': So, um, what did you do at Betty's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Nothing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Cindy arrive at the Retroville Rest Home and see Grandma Taters through the window, preparing to broadcast her show to the entire world]''
:'''Cindy''': That's her? She's so sweet and innocent looking.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, so are child stars. Wait here and keep a look out for any of the happy ones. I'm going in to stop her. ''[barges in, facing her]'' Grandma Taters, I presume!
:'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy?
:'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The happy zombies strap Jimmy to a restraint chair]''
:'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints!
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me!
:'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it.
:'''Hugh''':  Positively ecstatic.
:'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes!
:'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true.
:'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies!
:'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed.
:'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[to Jimmy and Cindy]'' We'll be… ''[lifts up her glasses, revealing her dark evil alien eyes; in a malicious tone]'' '''''back!'''''

===''Vanishing Act'' [3.15b]===

===''The Trouble with Clones'' [3.16]===
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna.
:'''Man''': ''[on satellite phone] Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me. Ivanna Shake My Booty!''
:''[Laughter is heard through the phone]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch?
:''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]''
:'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you don't know how dangerous that thing is!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away] Hasta la vista,'' big-head!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, he notices that Evil Jimmy clogged up the ignition with a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone.
:''[Later… Jimmy is scrubbing the watermelon off in his rocket's ignition]''
:'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky?
:'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet up in the sky; gasps]''
:'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard activates his telescope and analyzes the planet with the screen revealing the planet to be an evil cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! ''[End of Act I; Beginning Act II]'' My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives on cloned Earth and sees everyone in Retroville acting rude, mean, and cruel]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[disguises himself to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. ''[sees an incoming car about to hit a woman]'' Look out! ''[rushes in and saves her]''
:'''Evil Woman''': Oh! Young man, that was so brave and decent of you. What are you, some kind of sicko?! HELP! ''[bashes Jimmy's head with her purse]'' A goodie! You freak!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection.
:'''Evil Sam''': I aim to displeased, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Carl''': ''[as the bell rings]'' Get inside, dirtbag! ''[pushes Jimmy in Evil Miss Fowl's classroom]''
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies.
:'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique.
:'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!''
:'''Evil Nick''': No! You can't! ''[Evil Butch forces him out of his seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
:'''Evil Libby''': Assume the position!
:'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]''
:'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting some roses in a trash can and dumps them out]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. ''[throws the trash can aside]''
:'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both laugh evilly]''
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right?
:'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son.
:'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks.
:''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc?
:'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud.
:'''Jimmy''': Don't do this, evil clone. If the duplication process isn't reversed, my entire home planet will fade into oblivion!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Bingo, Einstein, in about 59 seconds. Wave bye-bye to Loserville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes! I undid the duplication process. Now my Earth will grow more solid as this one starts to fade.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Yeah, well, don't get too proud of yourself, Sunshine. I still got a trick or two up my sleeve. ''[takes out the power chip, planning to break it]''
:'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul the Three-Eyed Monkey''': (DNA Productions logo) Now what do you want me to say now?

===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?'' [3.18a]===

===''Flippy'' [3.18b]===

===''How to Sink a Sub'' [3.19a]===
:''[Episode starts with the faculty of Lindbergh Elementary entering hyperspace in Principal Willoughby's car]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass.
:'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet!
:'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we?
:'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. ''[squawks]'' I've got a good idea who's responsible for this!
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; the kids are all in Miss Fowl's classroom, cheering and whooping while Jimmy stands on Miss Fowl's desk]''
:'''Jimmy''': Friends, students, kids, lend me your ears! You may have noticed that Miss Fowl isn't here this morning.
:'''Libby''': Shouldn't they have returned from the Learn-a-palooza conference by now?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks to my new hyper-chip, none of our teachers will be back for an entire week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out!
:''[they throw a party]''
:'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! ''[gets hit]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[flying around the hallway with a rocket board]'' Coming through, watch it! ''[his rocket board gets magnitized]'' Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! ''[screams as he's pulled by his enraged mother; shocked]'' Mom?!
:'''Judy''': ''[sharply]'' You are ''so'' grounded, mister!
:'''Hugh''': ''[pops out of a nearby trash can]'' She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over.
:'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents.
:'''Judy''': ''[firmly]'' You bring your teachers back, this instant.
:'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly] '''QUIET!!!'''''
:''[The students all stop partying]''
:'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers.
:''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers?
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing!
:'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't make me blow this whistle, young man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you.
:'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back!
:'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch?
:'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say it's time to ''sink some subs.''
:''[Meanwhile, in hyperspace…]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Keep searching, everyone. We're looking for some type of shiny, blink-y, science-y gizmo.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Do they have restrooms in hyperspace?
:'''Coach Grubber''': I'm keeping any change I find!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Neutron, this coffee you made is absolutely delicious!
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, but my secret ingredient is the low-cal sweetener Judy brought. ''[takes out the concentrated hormone bottle Judy took from Jimmy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's not the low-cal sweetener! That's the bottle I took from Jimmy this morning!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Well, it tastes marvelous.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''Sí, so robusto.''
:'''Judy''': ''[worriedly]'' Oh... dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself!
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, stop! You gotta listen! You've been exposed to a concentrated hormone! If you don't calm down, it could damage your entire endocrine systems!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[drops down on the ground, starting his 40 pushups as punishment; straining]'' You're not... the boss... of me.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sharply]'' Double time, Neutron!

===''Lady Sings The News'' [3.19b]===
:'''Carl''': Hi. Who wants to see my head spin around?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good evening. I'm Jimmy Neutron here now with the news. Tragedy struck Retroville today as local boy, Nick Dean, broke his leg for the 15th time this year. Nick is expected to make a full recovery and break his leg again soon after. Cindy?
:'''Cindy''': Foreign exchange student, Bolbi Stroganovsky, officially entered the Miss Retroville beauty pageant today. Asked to explain his action, Mr. Stroganovsky replied… ''[imitating Bolbi]'' &quot;Bolbi pretty. Bolbi win pageant-- good.&quot; ''[normally]'' Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Butch Bukowski was today awarded the Bully of the Year award from the Juvenile Delinquent Society. In a tear-filled speech, Bukowski accepted the award, then used it to beat his host about the head, neck, and chest. And now, let's go to the always jolly Dr. Carl in the Weather Center.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a-
:''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]''
:'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' ...tree.

===''King of Mars'' [3.20]===
:'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored.
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night.
:'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input.
:'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab?
:'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars?
:'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets.
:'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look.
:'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent?
:'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Is that who I think it is? How delicious! Hello, Neutron.
:'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you?
:'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser!
:'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist!
:'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex!  Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you!

===''El Magnifico'' [3.21a]===

===''Best in Show'' [3.21b]===
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''&quot;Dear, Master. Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard.&quot;''' He ran away! ''[typing on the computer]'' Access Goddard tracking device. ''[an &quot;ACCESS DENIED&quot; error appears on the screen; groans]'' He decommissioned his tracking device! ''[yelling from the window]'' '''''GODDARD!!!'''''

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

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:'''Seasons''':  [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 1|1]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 2|2]] [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3|3]] | [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius]]''''' is a show that ran on Nickelodeon from 2002–2006. The show follows the life of genius kid Jimmy Neutron and his friends and family. It is also based on the 2001 CGI film ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]''.

===''Attack of the Twonkies'' [3.1-2]===
:''[Sheen volunteers for the school chorus]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE-'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Eh, pardon?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.
:'''Sheen''': Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Now, let's talk rehearsal schedule, man. Tuesdays, I have my action figure support so that's no good for me. Mondays…
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Oh, dear. I better explain. Um, Sheen, amigo, I'm afraid you won't be joining the chorus.
:'''Sheen''': What? You're rejecting me?
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, now, now, don't take it personally. We needed an alto, and well, you're a… You're a…
:'''Miss Fowl''': You're a terrible singer!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl! You see, Sheen, your voice… Um, how shall I put this?
:'''Miss Fowl''': Your voice scares small children!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Fowl, please! Look, Sheen, as chorus master, I know talent…
:'''Miss Fowl''': And that's what you have: no talent! ''[Principal Willougby is about to burst]'' I'm done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sheen volunteers again disguised as Mario with a  mustache]''
:'''Sheen''': ''[singing badly]'' '''''HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE...'''''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': NEXT!
:'''Sheen''': Please let me in the chorus! ''[Miss Fowl rips Sheen's fake mustache off his face]'' My voice grows on you!
:'''Miss Fowl''': So do liver spots, but they don't make you look at them! ''[cracks up laughing]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Now, Miss Fowl, that's not funny. ''[begins laughing]'' Okay, that's a little funny, but you know…
:'''Sheen''': I've got half a mind to report you!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Half a mind? No wonder you can't sing! ''[he and Miss Fowl burst out in laughter as Sheen storms out the auditorium]'' Oh, we are so fired. ''[Miss Fowl looks shocked]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy, Libby, Nick, Butch, and Miss Fowl all scold Carl after their Twonkies transformed into rampaging monsters and attacked any type of musical harmony]''
:'''Cindy''': Your Twonkies attacked us in baby sized class!
:'''Libby''': They busted my boom box!
:'''Miss Fowl''': Those things are a menace!
:'''Nick''': Dude, my do is ruined!
:'''Butch''': Just when I was learning to love again!
:'''Jimmy''': Guys! This isn't the time for blame. If it were, I'd be saying things like &quot;I tried to tell you&quot; and &quot;Why didn't you jerks listen to me?&quot; Now all your stories have a common theme.
:'''Carl''': Painful biting?
:'''Butch''': Massive blood loss?
:'''Jimmy''': No! ''Music!'' Harmonic patterns causes the Twonkies to morph into hostile beasts and attack the source of the sound. We've got to shut down ''all'' the music in town before the rest of the Twonkies hear.
:'''Libby''': You can't stop the music!
:'''Jimmy''': We've got to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': STOP, DON'T SING!
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Miss Vortex, thank you for joining us, you're ten minutes late!
:'''Cindy''': Fellow choristers, due to a dangerous situation too complicated to go into now, this rehearsal is cancelled. Now I know how painful this must be for all of you…
:''[The choristers cheer, and leave the stand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': This isn't over, people! If we don't blast that monster back to the comet in the next ten minutes, he's stuck here for another year!
:'''Sam''': That's bad.
:'''Sheen''': I'll just sing to him every time he wakes up.
:'''Miss Fowl''': That's worse!
:'''Sam''': Yeah!

===''The N-Men'' [3.3]===
:''[Outer Space; Jimmy and the gang are flying back home to Earth in their Astrocar after playing mini golf on Mercury]''
:'''Sheen''': Engines down! Losing power! Abandon ship!
:'''Libby''': You're enjoyin' that massage chair a little too much.
:'''Sheen''': Set boosters on &quot;Lower back&quot;! Engage!
:'''Carl''': Thanks for taking us miniature golfing on Mercury, Jimmy. Hey, you want some of my extra orange juice my mom packed me?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks, Carl… ''[drinks the whole bottle]'' but we're not home yet. I still have to steer us past the Van Patten Radiation Belt.
:'''Cindy''': Ha! Neutron probably thought the low gravity would throw off my backswing. Wrong! As usual.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, hey, how about instead of bragging, you thank me for inviting you along at all?!
:'''Cindy''': You're right, Jimmy. Thank you… ''[pause]'' for letting me kick your butt on the back nine!
:'''Jimmy''': What is your problem, Vortex?!
:'''Cindy''': I don't have a problem! What's your problem?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, I think you do have a problem! ''[arguing in unison]'' You know what the problem is?!
:'''Cindy''': ''[arguing in unison]'' No, I'm not the one with the problem, Neutron!
:'''Carl''': ''[eating a sandwich while Jimmy and Cindy continue arguing]'' It's so hard to digest when they argue like that. ''[belches]''
:'''Libby''': Oh, this space travel is giving me a zit! I need vanishing cream.
:'''Cindy''': You just can't admit that I smoke you in athletics.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, oh, yeah? You wanna go right now? ''[holds his hand, challenging her to an arm wrestle]''
:'''Cindy''': Bring it on, brain boy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After passing through the Van Patten Radiation Belt and crash landing back home to Earth, Jimmy and his friends have all been given superpowers; Cindy has been given the ability of super strength, Sheen has the ability of super speed, Libby has the ability to turn invisible, and Carl has the ability to make sonic burps]''
:'''Jimmy''': I think I see what happened. You all got superpowers based on what you were doing when the Van Patten rays hit.
:'''Cindy''': And you just turned orange? How lame is that?
:'''Jimmy''': It's not lame! Maybe my cells store massive amounts of vitamin C or something.
:'''Carl''': ''[sniffs]'' Mmm. He does have a pleasing, fruity aroma. ''[laughs along with the girls, making Jimmy cringe angrily]''
:'''Sheen''': Guys, get serious. We've all been endowed with incredible power. And I say we use that power ''to attack Tokyo!'' ''[runs to Tokyo and back]'' Guys, come on, pick up the pace.
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen's right! Except for the part about Tokyo- we have been given incredible power. But we should use it to fight crime.
:'''Sheen''': Why didn't I think of that?
:'''Libby''': You mean… become superheroes?
:'''Cindy''': I hate to admit it, but that ''would'' be cool.
:'''Carl''': I can fight crime, but I have to be home by 5:30.
:'''Sheen''': Stack hands, everyone. We need to make a solemn vow.
:''[All stack hands]''
:'''Sheen''': Let those who do evil beware! From this day forth, we shall be known as: The Fantastic League of Justice-Bringing Avenging Men!
:'''Libby''': Excuse me?!
:'''Sheen''': And two girls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': Jimmy was right. We got ourselves locked up because we never learned to control our powers.
:'''Cindy''': Well maybe it's time we start learning! Who's up for a little superpower practice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy's Lab; Three days later…]''
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Goddard, but I can't stop working. I'm still missing one last ingredient for my superpower antidote. If only this mutant gene wasn't so hard to crack. Maybe if I tried a submolecular scam. ''[Screen shows Fatal Gene countdown to six hours]'' No. It can't be! Their powers are burning up their metabolisms! Their life forces will be drained in ''six'' hours! ''[bangs on his keypad]'' GOTTA WORK FASTER! ''[accidentally spills some Purple Flurp on the keyboard]'' No, no, NO! Now I'll ''never'' find a cure in time! ''[starts throwing a furious fit]'' Why do I even care?! All they did was mock me. Especially Cindy! She makes me ''so'' angry! ''[furiously throws a binocular box off-screen, crashing it]'' If only I'd gotten a cool superpower too, then I'd make her pay! I'd make 'em ''all'' pay! ''[zoom in on his eye; growls furiously]'' What's wrong with me? ''[eye color changes burnt green; voice deepens]'' Feeling strange. ''[starts transforming into his huge hulk-like form as Goddard watches in fear]'' Thoughts, cloudy. Image of Cindy burning in my brain!
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[bursts out through the door of his clubhouse, roaring with rage]'' JIMMY ''DID'' GET SUPERPOWER! NOW JIMMY STRONG! NOW JIMMY '''''SMASH!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Listen to me, people. We can't let the army keep our babies in that horrible Area 86.
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Yeah, it's probably crawling with germs and all sorts of allergies.
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': My Cindy's too delicate. She can't do hard time.
:'''Mrs. Folfax''': And my poor Libby doesn't have a thing to wear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': ''[throwing an apple at Hulk Jimmy]'' Take that you misterable mistake of nature, yeah! ''[throws another at him]''
:'''Judy''': ''[stepping in, trying to defend her hulk-like son]'' No, don't! You're only making him angry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Carl, why haven't you tried to perfect your super belches?
:'''Carl''': I'm scared to, for my burps are ''way'' to dangerous.
:'''Sheen''': But Carl, your destructive potential is part of the reason we love you.
:'''Carl''': DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! No more spice food or carbonated beverages! I've got to guard against even the slightest hiccup!
:'''Sheen''': You mean no more chalupas? I feel your pain, dude.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Guys, I think that orange-rampaging monster is Neutron!
:'''Libby''': Those rays must've had some kind of delayed reaction on him.
:'''Carl''': We gotta do something. The army might really hurt him!
:'''Cindy''': All I did was make fun of him and, he still promised to help us. We have to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hulk Jimmy''': ''[getting a drink from a nearby river]'' Jimmy thirsty. ''[sees his normal self in the river]''
:'''Jimmy''': Snap out of it, Jimmy! These powers are sapping your friends' life forces. If you don't get a hold of yourself, they're all doomed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Get a hold of yourself! If they keep using their powers like this, they'll burn up their life forces and be gone forever!

===''Lights! Camera! Danger!'' [3.4]===
:''[repeated line]''
:'''Quentin Smithee''': And action!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Mr. Smithee, uh…how do I start this thing?
:'''Quentin Smithee''': I have no idea. Just keep pushing buttons until something happens. And...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quentin Smithee''': ''[found out that Hugh sung the Donut Boy theme song in the alley]'' No. This is the scene where you ''[throws the box of donuts to the ground''] get lost!

===''Fundemonium'' [3.5]===
:'''Baby Quackers''': ''[repeated line]'' Gotta go potty! ''[puddle forms under her]'' Oopsie!

===''Stranded'' [3.6]===
:'''Jimmy''': And I'm telling you that you can't see the equator!
:'''Cindy''': Just an unpopulated area like the Pacific Ocean!
:'''Jimmy''': WRONG! The equator's invisible and apparently so is your brain!
:'''Cindy''': Well, at least my head doesn't need no time zone!
:'''Jimmy''': Why'd you have to go there?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Ah the sea, who's water grows our gardens, who's electric eels light our homes, who's jellyfish fill our jelly donuts.
:'''Libby''': Sheen, none of those things do any of those things.
:'''Sheen''': Hey! You try staying awake staring at a stupid ocean! 
:''[grumbling sound]''
:'''Libby''': What's that sound? Carl, you're supposed to watch our readings.
:'''Carl''': I'am. Their fine.
:'''Libby''': Well, what does the fuel gauge say?
:'''Carl''': It's fine. It's on &quot;E&quot; for…&quot;engored with gas&quot;…? ''[motor stops and hover car falling]'' 
:''[Everyone is screaming]''
:'''Libby''': Assume crash positions!
:'''Sheen''': If you say so… ''[Carl and Sheen making faces]''
:'''Libby''': You know what... just go back to the screaming. ''[Everyone screams again]'' 
:''[Hover car splash in the ocean]''
:'''Carl''': Is everybody okay?
:'''Sheen''': Well, I'am a little concerned that we're STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!
:'''Carl''': Calm down, Sheen.
:'''Sheen''': Don't tell me to calm down! This is all your fault! Anybody with a brain knows that &quot;E&quot; stands for... uh.... &quot;elp yourself to some gas&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': You know, I hate to say it Jimmy, but aside from the man-eating plants, giant spiders, and vicious snakes, um… this isn't so bad.
:'''Jimmy''': It seems like if we stay out of the denser parts of the jungle, we should be fi… ''[record scratches]'' Did you just call me Jimmy?
:'''Cindy''': Well, that is your name…
:'''Jimmy''': I know. I just didn't know that you knew. I thought you thought it was &quot;Neutroid&quot;, or &quot;Speutron&quot;, or &quot;King Cranium&quot; or &quot;Frankenhead&quot;...
:'''Cindy''': I know, I know. Jimmy, why do you think we always fight back home?
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, that's easy, because, well, uh... maybe because... uh... Huh... I don't remember.
:'''Cindy''': I don't either. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to like you, but being here on this island away from school and grades and peer pressure, it makes me realize how ridiculous that is. You're a really cool person.
:'''Jimmy''': R-really? ''[Cindy nods her head]'' I've sort of been thinking the same thing about you.
:'''Cindy''': Really? Jimmy, if I had to be stranded on a deserted island with anybody, I'm glad it's you.
:'''Jimmy''': Me, too. Um, Cindy, if you're not doing anything tomorrow, well, do you think you might want to... I don't know, hang out together?
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, I may have to move some appointments around, but what the heck, I accept.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': I was going to share, and I ate one, but it was so good, so I ate four and I…I…I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!
:'''Sheen''': YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! ''[throws the chocolate away]'' GET HIS LEGS, LIBBY! ''[he grabs Carl]''
:'''Libby''': Sheen, you can't throw Carl overboard.
:'''Sheen''': ''[He halts]'' Why not?
:'''Libby''': Because he might have more FOOD ON HIM! ''[they start pulling Carl back in and they hear a horn blow]'' Guys, did you hear something?
:'''Carl''': It wasn't me.
:'''Libby''': ''[gasps]'' It's an ocean liner! Try to get their attention!
:'''Carl''': But they're so far away.
:'''Libby''': Jimmy must keep a flare in here look around! ''[sees an emergency button]'' I think this is it.
:'''Carl''': &quot;For emergencies only.&quot;
:'''Sheen''': THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! PUSH IT!
:''[A light points towards the ship and explosion]''
:'''Passengers''': We're okay!
:'''Libby''': Um… maybe we should just keep this to ourselves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': I won't give up! Did Lewis and Clark give up?! Did Charles Lindbergh give up?! Did Saul Hoffnitz give up?!
:'''Libby''': Who's Saul Hoffnitz?
:'''Sheen''': I give up. The point is I'm not going back to Retroville without Jimmy and Cindy! I'm gonna find them even if I HAVE TO TEAR OUT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN HERE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Finished, now put your fuel ingredients into the gas tank.
:''[Libby and Carl put all the ingredients into the gas tank, but Sheen picks up some strange rocks and put them into the gas tank]''
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, what kind's of rocks are those?
:'''Sheen''': Well I didn't know what shale look like, but I found these cool rock deep in the jungle. Look!
:''[Sheen give the strange rock to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': These don't feel like rocks at all. they feel like…
:''[Libby screamed and they saw a giant spider attack the hover car and they all are hiding in the rock]''
:'''Cindy''': Jimmy, that's the spider that made the web we saw!
:'''Jimmy''': I think we put some of her eggs in the gas tank!
:'''Carl''': If it destroys the hover car, we'll be stranded here forev… ''[record stretches]''
:'''Sheen, Libby, and Carl''': Did she just call you Jimmy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===''Jimmy Goes to College'' [3.7]===
:'''Butch''': Big words: they hurt, they hurt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Big molecules: they hurt, they hurt!

===''The Tomorrow Boys'' [3.8]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[as Future Jimmy opens the door]'' Hi, um, are you… Jimmy Neutron?
:'''Future Jimmy''': Well, lookie here. Me, Carl and Sheen back in the day. Come on in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Cindy''': NERDTRON! Nerdtron, what are you doing?! You're supposed to be soaking my mother's feet! And if it's not done every hour on the hour, she experiences severe flaking!
:'''Future Jimmy''': Cindy, can you not call me Nerdtron? ''[scoffs]'' Now that we're married?
:''[The word &quot;married&quot; repeats itself, slowing down each time.]''
:'''Jimmy''': '''''NO…''''' ''[commercial break, after which he's still screaming]'' '''''…OOO!'''''
:'''Carl''': Wow. You just screamed for four minutes, Jim.
:'''Sheen''': I'm both impressed ''and'' disturbed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Future Carl''': Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. V's feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Look, the birthday girl. Okay, I can explain. In the future, you're mad with power...
:'''Libby''': ''[enraged]'' Oh, I'm ''mad'' all right!
:''[Libby throws Jimmy, Carl and Sheen out of the house and slams the door.]''
:'''Jimmy''': We'll explain all this to Libby after we save the future.
:'''Sheen''': Right. I won't let my dear, sweet Libby become a horrible dictator! Although if she wants to wear the outfit, that's cool.
:'''Carl''': Guys, look!
:'''CopBot''': Is this the place?
:''[The squirrel squeaks and CopBot interrupts the party but it stopped by Butch]''
:'''Kid''': Hey!
:'''Butch''': Hey, Tin Man, this is a private party! ''[CopBot blasts Butch]'' Enjoy the punch...!
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, just stay low and maybe he won't...
:'''Carl''': '''''I SURRENDER! I CAN'T BE ON THE LAM MY WHOLE LIFE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE LAMB--IT'S TO GAMEY!'''''
:'''CopBot''': Oh, look! I am now authorized to use deadly force.
:''[Copbot uses the lasers to shoot the trio and gets hit by Goddard]''
:'''CopBot''':  Again, I fall.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard! You saved us!
:'''Libby''': And take your dog, too! ''[slams the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Jimmy saved the future!
:'''Sheen''': That horrible dictator Libby will ''never'' plague us again! ''[they all look at a really furious Libby]'' Oh. Perhaps I'd better explain.
:'''Libby''': ''[incredibly enraged]'' You and your stupid robot broke my house!
:'''Sheen''': But…
:'''Libby''': Ruined my party and destroyed my gifts!
:'''Sheen''': But… but…
:'''Libby''': '''GET OUT!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Libby''': ''[to Sheen]'' Meet me at the Candy Bar, Sheen… ''[throws the door open, revealing his friends cleaning up; angrily]'' '''''AFTER YOU CLEAN MY HOUSE!'''''

===''The League of Villains'' [3.9-10]===
:''[Aboard the giant Yolkian chicken ship, King Goobot has gathered every villain Jimmy has defeated together for the first League of Villains meeting]''
:'''King Goobot''': Welcome, fellow villains. I believe introductions are in order. I am King Goobot of Yolkus, and this is my assistant, Ooblar. Oh! Oopsy! ''[chuckles]'' I forgot- I traded Ooblar to the Bulgosians for some sulfur butter.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': I'm Beautiful Gorgeous, and I broke out of prison for this, so it better be good. ''[to her father]'' Pop.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Professor Finbarr Calamitous. I recently escaped, too. I used a…well, not a chisel, exactly, more of a long thingy with, uh, sort of forky prongs…
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[annoyingly impatient]'' Tick-tock, baldy! Let's move on! I'm Baby Eddie. Yeah, I'm a baby. Deal with it.
:'''The Junkman''': The Junkman, purveyor of fine refuse products throughout the galaxy. You trash it, I cash it.
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm Grandma Taters, and I'm so happy to be here! Let's all sing &quot;The Happy Song.&quot; ''[takes out her guitar and starts singing]'' ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy… ♪
:'''Zix''': ''[whistles]'' That'll do, ancient one. We're the space bandits of the Dimdar Galaxy. I'm Zix, and this is Travoltron and Tee.
:'''Tee''': Why can't I introduce myself?!
:'''Travoltron''': 'Cause he already introduced you, bonehead.
:'''Tee''': You calling me a bonehead?! How'd you like to be a no-head?!
:'''Eustace''': If you gill breathers are done, I am Eustace Strych, and I could buy and sell you all!
:'''The Junkman''': Make me an offer.
:'''King Goobot''': Gentlemen, ladies, settle! I've called you here for a reason.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': My friends, we share a common enemy, an enemy who must be stopped! Evil brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to plan the elimination of... ''JIMMY NEUTRON! [the villains cheer and the screen shows footage of Jimmy defeating them throughout the series]'' For years, that pesky little genius has defeated us, humiliated us, and almost destroyed us! None of us have been able to conquer Jimmy on our own, but if we band together, we can wipe him off the face of the galaxy and let evil triumph!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I'm serious! Oh, and what part of &quot;Girls stay behind the yellow line&quot; did you not understand?! Perhaps you recall Love Potion 976/J?
:'''Carl''': Oh, I do. It made you fall in love with the first person you saw. Sheen fell for Libby, Jimmy fell for Cindy, and I fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the… ''[gasps]'' Nothing.
:'''Jimmy''': And these are essence of N-Men. I synthesized them from your DNA after we achieved superpowers. Ingesting your packet will give you your powers back for 30 minutes.
:'''Libby''': Ooh, I want to be invisible again!
:'''Cindy''': I want to be Special Girl for my karate competition this weekend!
:'''Sheen''': I want to be Vibrating Sheen, so I can go to the bathroom all over the world!
:'''Jimmy''': No! Don't you guys remember what happened [[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius/Season 3#The N-Men|last time we were the N-Men?]]
:'''Cindy''': Yes.
:'''Libby''': Yes.
:'''Carl''': Yes.
:'''Sheen''': So, what if I don't? A lot's happened since then.
:'''Jimmy''': You couldn't control your powers. You got so out of control the town locked you up.
:'''Cindy''': Excuse me, wasn't there also a big orange monster who went crazy and almost destroyed Retroville? Oh, that's right, it was you!
:'''Jimmy''': The point is, no one touches these unless there's an extreme emergency. I'm talking life-or-death situation, understand?
:'''Libby''': But, Jimmy, we won't go crazy like we did last time.
:'''Sheen''': Yeah, we're older and wiser-er.
:'''Cindy''': We've changed.
:'''Jimmy''': People don't change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': In order to abduct Jimmy Neutron, you'll be split into teams. First team: Baby Eddie and Grandma Taters.
:'''Grandma Taters''': Ooh, we're going to have such a good time!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I've got to be with the old broad? This stinks!
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[sweetly]'' I could just eat you up… ''[menacingly in her true self]'' and maybe I will!
:'''King Goobot''': Team two: Beautiful Gorgeous and the Junkman.
:'''The Junkman''': Yuck!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': The feeling is mutual.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Junkster, I'll trade you Wrinkles for Dollface.
:'''King Goobot''': No trading! Team three: Eustace Strych and Professor Calamitous.
:'''Eustace''': What?! The guy who can't complete a sentence?! I can't work with that fool.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': Watch your tongue, sonny, or I'll… I'll… well, I'll…
:'''Eustace''': Yes, fine, get back to me on that before I go to college!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nick''': ''[flies off his skateboard from running into a fire hydrant and breaks his leg; whining]'' Why does this keep happening to me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aboard The Junkman's ship, the League of Villains circle around Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[wakes up and gasps in horror]'' King Goobot, Baby Eddie, Grandma Taters, The Junkman, Eustace (Strych), Professor Calamitous, Beautiful Gorgeous, Zix, Travoltron, and Tee!
:'''Tee''': How come he said my name last?!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello, Jimmy. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by. Care to go for a little ride? It will be your ''LAST!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The League of Villains put Jimmy on trial]''
:'''King Goobot''': Quiet! Quiet, I say! Quiet. Court is in session. The League of Villains vs. Jimmy Neutron. King Goobot presiding.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you're putting me on trial?!
:'''King Goobot''': Of course! We're doing things by the book.
:'''Jimmy''': What book?
:'''King Goobot''': &quot;The Big Book of Sham Trials.&quot; Be seated, jury.
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Do I have to sit next to stink boy here? I'm gonna throw up.
:'''Professor Calamitous''': He can't smell any worse than this baby.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, I'm a baby. Babies poop! What? You didn't poop when you were a baby?
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order! Bailiff, control the jury.
:'''Tee''': Man, why do I got to be the bailiff? I want to be on the jury!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Too late. We already voted.
:'''Tee''': How come I didn't get a vote?
:'''Villains''': 'Cause you're not on the jury. ''[laughing]''
:'''King Goobot''': Order! Order, I say! James Isaac Neutron, you are charged with blocking the spread of evil, ruining diabolical plans and being an annoying pest. How do you plead?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, first I have to say…
:'''King Goobot''': Time's up. Thank you. The jury will now read the verdict.
:'''Jimmy''': I didn't even get to defend myself!
:'''King Goobot''': Hello! This is a League of Villains. What did you expect? Jury, how do you find the defendant?
:'''Villains''': Guilty!
:'''Jimmy''': What a shock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Goobot''': Jimmy Neutron's sentence has been decided. We shall blast him and his annoying sidekick into deep space!
:'''The Junkman''': I still say we should eat him!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Mr. Noxious, would you mind staying a minimum of 20 feet away from me so that I don't get nauseous?
:'''The Junkman''': Gladly.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Hey, Gorgeous, after this is all over, you want to grab dinner and a movie?
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Buzz off, baby.
:''[Baby Eddie blows raspberry at her in return]''
:'''Eustace''': Can we wrap this up? I have a polo lesson in two hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should be able to get us back to Retroville at light speed. Look for some sort of transmitter so I can contact Carl.
:'''Sheen''': I don't think that's necessary.
:'''Jimmy''': Why not?
:'''Sheen''': They're right there.
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Sheen''': That's them, all right. Carl's talking, Libby's drying her eyes, and Cindy's driving.
:'''Jimmy''': This is terrible! They're heading to save us and we're heading back to… ''[realizes; enraged]'' CINDY'S DRIVING MY ROCKET?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Vortex''': I demand to know how this happened!
:'''Hugh''': Well, Judy was tinkering with Jimmy's stuff. I'd ask her.
:'''Judy''': ''[offended]'' Oh, really?! Well, Mr. Let's-Push-All-the-Buttons…
:'''Hugh''': Now, honey, name calling won't solve this mess you got us in. Besides, we may be here for a while. Look, some people seem to be adapting.
:'''Miss Fowl''': School is in session. Today's lesson is how to not get eaten by a giant fire ant. ''[squawks]''
:'''Butch''': Miss Fowl, a raptor ate my homework.
:'''Man''': So, what do you got, Sam?
:'''Sam''': Rock burgers, rock dogs and rock lobster with a side of rocks.
:'''Man''': I'll just have soup.
:'''Sam''': One hot water! Hold the rocks!
:'''Judy''': Well, I guess we could live here. I could make curtains and paint the walls with some berry juice.
:'''Hugh''': Now, that's the spirit, Sugar. Maybe it will distract you from thinking about our missing Jimbo.
:'''Judy''': ''[weeping]'' My baby!
:'''Hugh''': Oopsy. There, Sugarbooger. Remember, we're in the Cretaceous Era. We've got millions of years to come up with a plan to save him.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, are you aware that most of the things you say make no sense?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Neutron, what's going on? Who's after you?
:'''Jimmy''': Every villain I've ever defeated has banded together to get rid of me for good!
:'''Sheen''': Well, maybe if you'd gone along with my plan to come rescue you…
:'''Jimmy''': What plan?!
:'''Sheen''': Oh, right.
:'''Jimmy''': Almost there!
:''[The League of Villains emerge from the Junkman's ship and block their way]''
:'''Carl''': Bad people! Lots of bad people!
:'''King Goobot''': Isn't this lovely? Now, you all get to be blasted into deep space with your good friend, Jimmy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Carl confusingly mixes up the N-Men packets, and gives Jimmy the love potion instead, he, Sheen, Cindy, and Libby have been given the wrong powers]''
:'''Jimmy''': You took all the wrong packets!
:'''Cindy''': We were ''given'' the wrong packets!
:'''Jimmy''': Sheen, you have super strength! Sock somebody!
:''[Sheen starts charging towards the Junkman to sock him, but misses]''
:'''Libby''': Carl, you're in big trouble! ''[punches Carl in the gut, whose invisible]''
:'''Carl''': Ow! I'm right next to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy pours the love potion into a hollow stalagmite as a blowgun and blows it on The Junkman and Beautiful Gorgeous, making them fall in love with each other]''
:'''The Junkman''': You're beautiful!
:'''Beautiful Gorgeous''': Kiss me, you fool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Gotta hide somewhere so the villains don't find us.
:'''Libby''': There's the moon. We can hide there!
:'''Jimmy''': Good idea.
:'''Brobot''': Hi, Jimmy! I missed you! Want to play a game? I can make moon castles! Want to hear a song I wrote? It's called, &quot;I Love Jimmy.&quot; ♪ I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy, I love Jimmy… ♪
:'''Jimmy''': I'd rather take my chances with the villains.
:'''Sheen''': Good call.
:'''Cindy''': Agreed.
:'''Carl''': Can't blame you.
:'''Libby''': Word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm going to take a little nappy. ''[snores loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Uh, Neutron? We wanted Retroville, not Jungleville.
:'''Sheen''': I think the gardeners went on strike.
:'''Sam''': ''[while being chased by a raptor]'' HELP! Yeah, yeah. HELP!
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[while being chased by a giant black snake]'' Bad snake! Bad snake!
:'''Jimmy''': This ''is'' Retroville. Based on the flora and fauna, I'd say that wormhole transported the town 75 million years in the past.
:'''Sheen''': Awesome! Now I don't have to go to the dentist on Thursday!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam''': I just saw an egg, a baby, a granny, a rich kid, and two lizard guys- yeah.
:'''Sheen''': Oh, wait, wait- I know this joke!
:'''Cindy''': It's not a joke, you nimrod! It's the League of Villains!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': I'd like to see Betty Quinlan do that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': So, what'll happen to Goobot and the other villains?
:'''Jimmy''': I programmed the force field to wear off after a few minutes. I'm guessing the League of Villains will have their hands full for quite a while.

===''Who's Your Mommy?'' [3.11a]===
:'''Jimmy''': Welcome to Planet Schmangy… Again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': The strange appetite, the mood swings, the glowing buldges… Carl, I don't know how to say this, so I'll whisper it in Sheen's ear and he'll blurt it out in astonishment. ''[whispers into Sheen's ear]''
:'''Sheen''': Carl is '''''PREGNANT?!'''''
:'''Carl''': ''[jumps in shock]'' What!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good news, Carl. I have an idea how to solve this without harming you, or the creature, ''[notices Carl shaking his head no]'' and, why are you nodding no?
:'''Carl''': I thought about it, Jim. If it's a boy, I'll name him, Shmengo, and if it's a girl Shmengeta, I want to retain its alien heritage.
:'''Jimmy''': ''WHAT?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Carl, why aren't you more worried? This thing might feed off your insides, or electrocute you, or grow until it splits you in half!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, kids can be a handful.

===''Clash of the Cousins'' [3.11b]===
:''[Jimmy and his parents show up in the backyard of Uncle Newt and Aunt Kari's house to celebrate Aunt Amanda's birthday with the other Neutrons]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[carrying her birthday present]'' Happy Birthday, Great Aunt Amanda! You're looking more beautiful and less wrinkly every year.
:'''Aunt Amanda''': No thanks to you, young man, your gadgets and gewgaws have taken ten years off my life!
:'''Judy''': But, Aunt Amanda, how can you say that? Jimmy's gadgets have saved the town dozens of times.
:'''Aunt Kari''': Sure. After he brought down a giant meteor to destroy us all.
:'''Uncle Newt''': Or those evil rotting aliens.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': OR PANTS! HORRIBLE WALKING PANTS!
:'''Cousin Gomer''': Which cousin are you again?
:'''Hugh''': Now, now, now. Newt, Kari, Cousin Gomer, Cousin Annabelle… ''[Baby Eddie babbles]'' and little Eddie, let's not fight. We've gathered together because we love our dear Aunt Amanda and not because her fabulous wealth controls our very destiny.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, can't we all just get along and be a family?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': NO! Because of you, the Neutron name isn't respectable anymore. Why can't you be nice like your two young friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Jimmy is blamed for the presents exploding and not allowed to leave the house as punishment…]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Jimmy, are you okay?
:'''Sheen''': Cheer up, Jimmy. We brought you some of Aunt Kari's world-famous, migraine-inducing desserts.
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, we have a situation. There's no reason those presents should have exploded. Someone bombarded the spatula with delta waves. Only a genius could come up with a plan like that. And the delta waves came from the backyard. Do you realize what that means?
:'''Sheen''': Uh, Jimmy, do you mind if we just keep eating?
:'''Jimmy''': It means that there's ''another'' genius in my family besides me. An '''''evil''''' genius.
:'''Carl''': That's horrible! Hey, Sheen, are you gonna finish that death-by gelato?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, stop eating.
:'''Sheen''': Sorry.
:'''Carl''': Sorry.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, isolate the Neutron genius gene. Now, compare the gene against DNA profiles of ''all'' adult family members. Hmm. The two most likely suspects would be… Cousin Gomer or Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Carl''': Okay, so what you're saying is that one of them must only be ''acting'' dumb.
:'''Sheen''': ''[belches]'' Or crazy.
:'''Jimmy''': We gotta find out which one before they make another attempt on my family's lives!
:'''Carl''': Right. To the buffet! What? I'm still hungry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hey, Cousin Annabelle.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': ''[screams]'' DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME! I HAVE SENSELESS PANIC ATTACK SYNDROME!
:'''Carl''': Uh, I'm allergic to wheat.
:'''Cousin Annabelle''': Oh, really? GO AWAY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[laughing wickedly]'' Haven't you figured it out yet, Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Cousin Eddie!
:'''Baby Eddie''': I had you barking up the wrong tree. You know, maybe you ain't as bright as everybody thinks.
:'''Jimmy''': How can I be so naive? I only checked the DNA of adult Neutrons. I never guessed that…
:'''Baby Eddie''': A baby could be as smart as you? Heck, I'm smarter. And, I'm only 17 1/2 months old. Wait till I hit puberty- bah-bing!
:'''Sheen''': Why'd you do it, Cousin Eddie?! WHY?!
:'''Jimmy''': For Aunt Amanda's money, Sheen.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Ding! We got a winner! Now, think fast, nimrods! ''[traps the boys and Cousin Gomer in his unbreakable fun rings]'' Don't waste your time. Nothing can escape my unbreakable fun rings.
:'''Jimmy''': You're a ''bad'' baby, Eddie, and you got a diaper full of evil!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[zaps Goddard with his rattle and sees a tritium battery]'' Oh! What do we have here? A tritium battery, and a big one!
:'''Jimmy''': Eddie, no! If that battery goes critical, it could take out the entire family!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Duh! You know, Jimmy, sometimes you're almost as dumb as Gomer.
:'''Cousin Gomer''': You know there's match two, man!
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, FYI, those rings will keep shrinking until the life's completely squeezed out of you!
:'''Sheen''': You adorable fiend!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''Arrivederci'', losers! ''[wickedly cackles and exits the nursery, unaware that Goddard is still operative]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[sneaks past the family and places the battery in the birthday candle]'' ''Zappa du ba-ba, zappa du ba-ba, Zap, Zap, Zappity bo-ba!''
:'''Hugh''': All right, it's time for Aunt Amanda's birthday cake, everyone. Come on! ''[the family heads to the cake; places the candle holder on top of the cake]''
:'''Neutron Family''': ''[singing]'' Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday! [suddenly Baby Eddie zaps the battery in the cake, much to the family's horror]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[races outside the house riding on Goddard]'' GET DOWN, EVERYONE! ''[the adult Neutrons duck for cover as Jimmy removes the bomb and throws it into the sky, where Goddard blows it up with lasers before making a landing; facing Baby Eddie]'' Too bad you didn't know about Goddard's backup battery. It's all over, Eddie! Oh, you're going down, baby. ''[he and Baby Eddie have a brawl that ends with him launching Eddie who hits a picnic table, sending party hats and presents flying everywhere and catapulting the birthday cake, which lands on Aunt Amanda's head]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Amanda''': This is the child you raised?! A vicious, rotten baby mauler?!
:'''Jimmy''': It's not what you think, Aunt Amanda! Eddie's an evil genius! He was trying to blow everyone up so he could get your fortune!
:'''Baby Eddie''': ''[in baby voice]'' Goo.
:'''Hugh''': He takes after ''her'' side of the family! ''[points at Judy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh!
:'''Hugh''': He may be adopted. It looks nothing like me.
:''[A high-pitched whirring sound is heard]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': Wait. There's that horrible noise again!
:'''Jimmy''': I know, Aunt Kari. I reset Eddie's rattle during our struggle. It's programmed to overload.
:''[The sound is shown coming from Baby Eddie's rattle]''
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, poopy! ''[throws his rattle into the air and it explodes]'' You broke my rattle! You dweeby, no-good, pointy-headed, weasel-faced freak! ''[The adult Neutrons are shocked as he accidentally reveals his true colors while Jimmy grins smugly]'' Uh, I mean… ''[in baby voice]'' Goo?
:'''Aunt Amanda''': That baby's a bad seed! ''[to Jimmy]'' It's Jimmy who's the good nephew!
:''[The adult Neutrons cheer for Jimmy and forgive him as Sheen, Carl, and Cousin Gomer exit the house]''
:'''Aunt Kari''': I'm so sorry little Eddie tried to destroy us all.
:'''Jimmy''': If I were you Aunt Kari, I'd keep him on a baby leash.
:'''Baby Eddie''': Oh, no, not the leash! I'll get you for this, Cousin Jimmy, you hear me?! This ain't finished, not by a long shot! Hey, where's my juicy cup? Where is the cup that I can spill without spilling?
:'''Jimmy''': Dad, our family is ''very'' weird.
:'''Hugh''': It sure is, son. It sure is.

===''My Big Fat Spy Wedding'' [3.12]===

===''Crouching Jimmy, Hidden Sheen'' [3.13]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[in trying to find a way to help Sheen defeat a zealous karate practioner who wants to ursurp Sheen's position as &quot;The Chosen One&quot;]'' There's only one way to help Sheen train.
:'''Sheen''': ''[in front of a dojo]'' A tutor?
:'''Jimmy''': We have no other choice!
:'''Sheen''': Why don't you just make me take piano lessons while I'm at it?
:''[The Dojo head, Master Hong, answers the door]''
:'''Master Hong''': Yes?
:'''Jimmy''': Master Hong?
:'''Sheen''': Dude, aren't you a little old to teach kung-fu?
:'''Master Hong''': ''[calmly, holding out a pebble]'' Snatch this pebble from my hand.
:'''Sheen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Snatch the pebble… too easy! ''[gets slammed around by Master Hong]'' You're hired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lead Shangri-Llama Monk''': ''[of Sheen]'' To the Chosen One! Long may he put his leg behind his head!

===''The Incredible Shrinking Town'' [3.14]===
:'''Sheen''': Aw, cheer up, Jimmy. Hey, after the game, you wanna come over to watch ''Wizard of Oz''? I love those little Munchkins. ''[Jimmy glares at him]'' What? What'd I say? Man, you dinky guys are so touchy.
:'''Jimmy''': You guys have ''no'' idea what it's like to be the short guy. ''[dramatically]'' It's like…it's like…
:'''Sheen''': Uh, you're not gonna sing, are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': ''[Reading a message about the Vomitorium]'' Do not go on this ride if you have a bad back, bad neck, or hate puking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judy''': This is a nightmare. How am I going to clean this house if I'm six inches tall?
:'''Hugh''': I know, these are ''dark'' times, Sugarbooger. But look on the bright side. We finally got a jumbo-sized TV!
:''[Goddard flies into the living room]''
:'''Judy''': ''[to Jimmy; sharply]'' James Issac Neutron, are you responsible for this?
:'''Jimmy''': You know, Mom, we ''could'' waste precious time assigning blame.
:'''Judy''': ''[still sharped]'' Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[guilty]'' Kind of.
:'''Judy''': Hugh, speak to your son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Now, listen Neutron, you'd better…
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Mrs. Vortex's voice]'' Cynthia Vortex! Come over here and help your mother clean up Humphrey's extremely large poopy poo-poo.
:'''Cindy''': Oh, just make us big, Neutron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Hey, Jimmy, how long do you think we're gonna be small?
:'''Jimmy''': As long as it takes me to build another resizing ray. In the meantime, everyone in Retroville will just have to go on with their lives.
:'''Carl''': Hmm… I wonder what that will be like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The space bandits have captured the citizens and are taking them on the McSpanky's ship]''
:'''Cindy''': Well, we can all thank our favorite boy genius for getting us into mortal danger - ''again!''
:'''Libby''': At least we can say we had an exciting childhood.
:'''Carl''': ''[sees the ship]'' Hey, look, it's the old McSpanky's burger joint that we used to work at till you shot it at the sun, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': They've turned it into a spaceship.
:'''Sheen''': ''[opens a fake treasure chest]'' It's okay, our worries are over! We're rich! ''[hugs it]''
:''[Jimmy rolls his eyes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': Hi, Mr. Alien Man, I am your conscience.
:'''Travoltron''': Hey, cool-- voices in my head.
:'''Carl''': Um, Zix-- he thinks you're a jerk. And you have stinky feet and you're ugly and I bet he's not even going to get you a birthday present.
:'''Travoltron''': No birthday present?
:'''Zix''': For the last time, Travoltron, I do not want a manly hug.
:'''Travoltron''': Oh, yeah? How about a knuckle sandwich, you no-present-giving casazich!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl''': ''[impersonating Zix's voice]'' But I still think Tee is as dumb as a post.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After returning home to Earth and Jimmy returning all the citizens back to their normal size…]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[standing on a podium]'' Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've all learned something in the past few days. Size is not important. It doesn't matter if you're big or if you're small. So be happy with who you are.
:'''Mayor Quadar''': For saving the citizens of Retroville from a life as toys, we award the Retroville Trophy of Honor to James Isaac Neutron. ''[gives Jimmy the trophy]''
:'''Cindy''': ''[pulls Jimmy down from the podium and stands on it]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! May I just remind everybody this was ''ALL'' Neutron's fault?!
:'''Mayor Quadar''': Oh, the loud girl has a point. ''[takes the trophy out of Jimmy's hands]'' Chainsaw! ''[A man cuts the trophy in half with a chainsaw]'' For reminding us that this was all Jimmy's fault, we present half of the Retroville Trophy of Honor to Cindy Vortex.
:''[The crowd cheers as Cindy is presented the main body of the trophy while Jimmy receives the legs, to his dismay]''

===''One of Us'' [3.15a]===
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' There we were, running for our lives from our best friends and family. How did this happen? It all began on a normal day at school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[after Libby turns off the radio]'' Libby, did you just turn some music off?
:'''Libby''': ''[turns slowly to Jimmy; also smiling creepily]'' Hello, Jimmy, I'm happy to see you. Did you watch &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; last night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[watching &quot;The Happy Show Show&quot; at his house, finding it to be the worst; narrating]'' It was the worst show I had ever seen. ''[turns off the TV; enters school the next day]'' The next day at school, the strangeness continued.
:'''Students''': ''[surprising Jimmy as he walks next to them]'' Hi, Jimmy.
:'''Sheen''': Hi, Jimmy. You watched &quot;The Happy Show Show?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yes, and it was the worst show ever! It was obnoxious, idiotic, silly, infantile, inane, vapid… Shall I go on?
:'''Libby''': You need to watch it again.
:'''Jimmy''': ''Again?!'' I could barely watch the first 30 seconds! I thought my TV would explode! I thought I might faint from the fumes of the show's supreme stinkiness!
:'''Carl''': You should give it another chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[watching Betty being hypnotized by Grandma Taters' show while standing outside her house; narrating]'' The show was hypnotizing people and turning them into mindless zombies! (Luckily,) It didn't affect me because I was only watching the reflection. ''[bursts the door open and enters, trying to get Betty his attention]'' Betty, snap out of it! You've been hypnotized! Stop watching the TV!
:'''Betty''': But I must watch, and you must watch, too.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[runs away, screaming as he makes it back to his house]'' Mom, Dad, we've gotta call someone! There's a TV show that's turning everyone into… ''[enters the living room, only to see his parents have been hypnotized too]''
:'''Judy and Hugh''': Hello, Jimmy, we're happy to see you.
:'''Jimmy''': You too?
:'''Judy''': Come sit here and we'll be happy together.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[dashes out of the house]'' '''''NO!'''''
:'''Judy''': Shall we chase him?
:'''Hugh''': Nothing would make me happier.
:''[Jimmy runs downtown]''
:'''Sam''': Watch the show, Jimmy.
:'''Corky Shimatzu''': Yes, you must watch it. It's fabulous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[narrating]'' As we flew into the outskirts of town, I told Cindy the whole story. And that's what happened! The entire town is happy zombies! And the world may be next!
:'''Cindy''': So, uh, why were you at Betty Quinlan's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Research. Now I may be able to track the broadcast beam of the TV show and find its originating source. I got it! Cindy, it's up to us to stop this thing... together.
:'''Cindy''': So, um, what did you do at Betty's house?
:'''Jimmy''': Nothing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Cindy arrive at the Retroville Rest Home and see Grandma Taters through the window, preparing to broadcast her show to the entire world]''
:'''Cindy''': That's her? She's so sweet and innocent looking.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, so are child stars. Wait here and keep a look out for any of the happy ones. I'm going in to stop her. ''[barges in, facing her]'' Grandma Taters, I presume!
:'''Grandma Taters''': Well, hello, honey, come on in. Would you like some hard candy?
:'''Jimmy''': I know what you're up to, lady.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[pinches Jimmy's cheek]'' Well, aren't you a smart little boy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The happy zombies strap Jimmy to a restraint chair]''
:'''Grandma Taters''': Restraints!
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this to me!
:'''Judy''': Oh, we're happy to do it.
:'''Hugh''':  Positively ecstatic.
:'''Jimmy''': But you're not supposed to be happy all the time! You have to be sad sometimes!
:'''Hugh''': Happily, that's no longer true.
:'''Jimmy''': But don't you see? Grandma Taters' show has stolen your emotions and caused you to lose your humanity! Soon, the whole world will be pack of soulless, mindless zombies!
:'''Sheen''': Wondering if I care…still wondering… NOPE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grandma Taters''': I'm sorry, girls. I failed.
:'''Grandma Clones''': That's alright, honey. Come in for some muffins. And bran juice.
:'''Grandma Taters''': ''[to Jimmy and Cindy]'' We'll be… ''[lifts up her glasses, revealing her dark evil alien eyes; in a malicious tone]'' '''''back!'''''

===''Vanishing Act'' [3.15b]===

===''The Trouble with Clones'' [3.16]===
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[hacking into the communication satellite phone in Earth's orbit, making prank calls]'' Yeah, hi, is the U.N. Security Council? I'm looking for Ambassador Shake My Booty, first name Ivanna.
:'''Man''': ''[on satellite phone] Hold on. Guys! Ivanna Shake My Booty. You heard me. Ivanna Shake My Booty!''
:''[Laughter is heard through the phone]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[laughing evilly]'' Oh, mercy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': I hate that little dweeb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Jimmy''': While the dork's away, the clones will play, eh, pooch?
:''[Goddard whimpers and nods yes]''
:'''Jimmy''': You're in big trouble, clone! Step away from that duplicator!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Sorry, no can do, bro. This goodie-two-shoes town of yours ain't big enough for the both of us.
:'''Jimmy''': Wait, you don't know how dangerous that thing is!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Oh, I think I do. ''[starts up his rocket and flies away] Hasta la vista,'' big-head!
:'''Jimmy''': Don't worry, Goddard. He forgot about ''my'' rocket. ''[jumps in his rocket but as he starts it up, he notices that Evil Jimmy clogged up the ignition with a watermelon]'' I really hate that clone.
:''[Later… Jimmy is scrubbing the watermelon off in his rocket's ignition]''
:'''Hugh''': Hi, Jim-Jam, gettin' ready to visit that new planet in the sky?
:'''Jimmy''': New planet? What new planet? ''[Hugh points to the planet up in the sky; gasps]''
:'''Hugh''': Sure is pretty. In a creepy, steaming kind of way.
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard, deploy telescope. ''[Goddard activates his telescope and analyzes the planet with the screen revealing the planet to be an evil cloned Earth; horrified]'' Oh, no-- he's cloned another Earth! ''[End of Act I; Beginning Act II]'' My evil clone must've used the Flux Field to clone a duplicate Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives on cloned Earth and sees everyone in Retroville acting rude, mean, and cruel]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[shocked]'' Leaping leptons! Evil Jimmy somehow made his cloned Earth just as evil as he is. Better blend in. ''[disguises himself to look like his evil clone]'' Oh, yeah, I'm evil. Oh, yeah, I'm bad. ''[sees an incoming car about to hit a woman]'' Look out! ''[rushes in and saves her]''
:'''Evil Woman''': Oh! Young man, that was so brave and decent of you. What are you, some kind of sicko?! HELP! ''[bashes Jimmy's head with her purse]'' A goodie! You freak!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Health Inspector''': Well, this place is unsafe, unsanitary, and crawling with vermins. Congratulations. You passed your health inspection.
:'''Evil Sam''': I aim to displeased, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Carl''': ''[as the bell rings]'' Get inside, dirtbag! ''[pushes Jimmy in Evil Miss Fowl's classroom]''
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': Take your seats, maggots. Evil Cindy and Evil Libby will now give a presentation on wedgies.
:'''Evil Cindy''': Thank you, ugly. Class, nothing hurts like a wedgie, and yet few people understand the proper technique.
:'''Evil Libby''': May we have a volunteer, ''NICK?!''
:'''Evil Nick''': No! You can't! ''[Evil Butch forces him out of his seat and shoves him to the girls]'' I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
:'''Evil Libby''': Assume the position!
:'''Evil Cindy''': Simply reach, grab, and give a forceful 90-degree tug. ''[pulls Evil Nick's underwear harder as he screams in pain]''
:'''Evil Libby''': Note the beads of pain-induced sweat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Miss Fowl''': After him! Fly, my pretties, FLY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Judy''': Hello, sweetie, home so soon? ''[cutting some roses in a trash can and dumps them out]'' I'm just dirtying up the house before dinner. ''[throws the trash can aside]''
:'''Evil Hugh''': We're having duck again. I must have bagged over 87 bubbleheads this morning. Oh, they quacked for mercy, but I just laughed and laughed. ''[he and Evil Judy both laugh evilly]''
:'''Jimmy''': This is going to scar me for life. Mom, Dad, I know helping is good, and I know that you're evil, but I'm still your son, right?
:'''Evil Hugh''': Yep-a-roonie, ''[combs Jimmy's hair to his normal style]'' our very, very good son.
:'''Evil Judy''': Our evil son has ordered us to capture you for experimentation. ''[presses a button on a remote, letting a cage fall in on Jimmy, trapping him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[appearing]'' Well, well, well, if it isn't the wimpy dip-headed freak. Hey, nice of you to drop by. I see you met the folks.
:''[They all chuckle evilly; Later, Evil Jimmy escorts Jimmy to his lab with Evil Goddard behind, pointing his gun at him]''
:'''Evil Jimmy''': So, what do you think of my little world, doc?
:'''Jimmy''': It's sick twisted and smells like old socks! How'd you make this duplicate Earth evil?!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': With a dark matter power chip. Yeah, I know, feel free to applaud.
:'''Jimmy''': Don't do this, evil clone. If the duplication process isn't reversed, my entire home planet will fade into oblivion!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Bingo, Einstein, in about 59 seconds. Wave bye-bye to Loserville.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Ah, goodbye mild backache. ''[the world returns to normal and falls to the ground]'' Hello, blindingly, painful backache.
:'''Jimmy''': Yes! I undid the duplication process. Now my Earth will grow more solid as this one starts to fade.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': Yeah, well, don't get too proud of yourself, Sunshine. I still got a trick or two up my sleeve. ''[takes out the power chip, planning to break it]''
:'''Jimmy''': Clone, no! If you break that chip, the whole planet will get sucked into the dark-matter dimension!
:'''Evil Jimmy''': And you'll be trapped with us! ''[breaks the chip into two pieces]'' Catch you on the flip side, wimpy dip!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': At least my evil clone is gone for good. No one has ever come back from my dark-matter dimension.
:'''Evil Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' You're not gonna get away with this, wimpy dip! You can't keep an evil clone down! I'll be back! ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paul the Three-Eyed Monkey''': (DNA Productions logo) Now what do you want me to say now?

===''Who Framed Jimmy Neutron?'' [3.18a]===

===''Flippy'' [3.18b]===

===''How to Sink a Sub'' [3.19a]===
:''[Episode starts with the faculty of Lindbergh Elementary entering hyperspace in Principal Willoughby's car]''
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Heavens to Harvey Fierstein! This isn't the Pomona bypass.
:'''Coach Grubber''': Willoughby, you dink! I told you turn left at the Pants Outlet!
:'''Hilgo''': I'm frightened and nauseated. Where are we?
:'''Miss Fowl''': We're in hyperspace, where no teacher has gone before. ''[squawks]'' I've got a good idea who's responsible for this!
:''[Lindbergh Elementary School; the kids are all in Miss Fowl's classroom, cheering and whooping while Jimmy stands on Miss Fowl's desk]''
:'''Jimmy''': Friends, students, kids, lend me your ears! You may have noticed that Miss Fowl isn't here this morning.
:'''Libby''': Shouldn't they have returned from the Learn-a-palooza conference by now?
:'''Jimmy''': Thanks to my new hyper-chip, none of our teachers will be back for an entire week.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Spread the word, people! School's out!
:''[they throw a party]''
:'''Sheen''': I'm the king of the world! ''[gets hit]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[flying around the hallway with a rocket board]'' Coming through, watch it! ''[his rocket board gets magnitized]'' Hey, what's wrong with my rocket board?! ''[screams as he's pulled by his enraged mother; shocked]'' Mom?!
:'''Judy''': ''[sharply]'' You are ''so'' grounded, mister!
:'''Hugh''': ''[pops out of a nearby trash can]'' She's right, Jimbo. I'm afraid your senseless reign of carnage is over.
:'''Carl''': Hi, Jimmy. You said to spread the word, so I told our parents.
:'''Judy''': ''[firmly]'' You bring your teachers back, this instant.
:'''Jimmy''': I can't! They're programmed to come back in a week.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': Then, we'll have to round these children up ourselves. Kids? Oh, kids!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Allow me, hon. ''[loudly] '''QUIET!!!'''''
:''[The students all stop partying]''
:'''Judy''': Children, please go to your classrooms. Until Miss Fowl and the others return, we parents will be filling in as substitute teachers.
:''[The students all groan and complain in dismay]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[speechless]'' Substitute teachers?
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Good idea, Judy. The kids shouldn't miss one precious day of education.
:'''Jimmy''': Mom, Dad, you can't do this! It'll be totally embarrassing!
:'''Hugh''': Don't be silly, Jimbo. Your mother would never dream of embarrassing you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Don't make me blow this whistle, young man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': What's wrong, Carl? Is my seven-layer soy mulch too tough? Let Mommy pre-chew it for you.
:'''Carl''': Mmm! ''[sees Jimmy and Sheen reacting with disgust]'' I mean, gross!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': You boys enjoy!
:'''Jimmy''': I can't take it anymore! I actually wish we had our old teachers back!
:'''Carl''': Are you gonna finish your soy mulch?
:'''Jimmy''': Parents want to be substitute teachers, huh? Well, I say it's time to ''sink some subs.''
:''[Meanwhile, in hyperspace…]''
:'''Miss Fowl''': Keep searching, everyone. We're looking for some type of shiny, blink-y, science-y gizmo.
:'''Principal Willoughby''': Do they have restrooms in hyperspace?
:'''Coach Grubber''': I'm keeping any change I find!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Wheezer''': Neutron, this coffee you made is absolutely delicious!
:'''Hugh''': Thanks, but my secret ingredient is the low-cal sweetener Judy brought. ''[takes out the concentrated hormone bottle Judy took from Jimmy]''
:'''Judy''': Hugh, that's not the low-cal sweetener! That's the bottle I took from Jimmy this morning!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Well, it tastes marvelous.
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''Sí, so robusto.''
:'''Judy''': ''[worriedly]'' Oh... dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheen''': Dad, I'm warning you! Behave yourself!
:'''Mr. Estevez''': ''[riding on a motorcycle with Mrs. Wheezer holding on]'' You can't tell me what to do!
:'''Mrs. Wheezer''': Stop trying to ruin my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Guys, stop! You gotta listen! You've been exposed to a concentrated hormone! If you don't calm down, it could damage your entire endocrine systems!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': ''[drops down on the ground, starting his 40 pushups as punishment; straining]'' You're not... the boss... of me.
:'''Miss Fowl''': ''[sharply]'' Double time, Neutron!

===''Lady Sings The News'' [3.19b]===
:'''Carl''': Hi. Who wants to see my head spin around?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Good evening. I'm Jimmy Neutron here now with the news. Tragedy struck Retroville today as local boy, Nick Dean, broke his leg for the 15th time this year. Nick is expected to make a full recovery and break his leg again soon after. Cindy?
:'''Cindy''': Foreign exchange student, Bolbi Stroganovsky, officially entered the Miss Retroville beauty pageant today. Asked to explain his action, Mr. Stroganovsky replied… ''[imitating Bolbi]'' &quot;Bolbi pretty. Bolbi win pageant-- good.&quot; ''[normally]'' Jimmy?
:'''Jimmy''': Butch Bukowski was today awarded the Bully of the Year award from the Juvenile Delinquent Society. In a tear-filled speech, Bukowski accepted the award, then used it to beat his host about the head, neck, and chest. And now, let's go to the always jolly Dr. Carl in the Weather Center.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Everyone walks away, and Jimmy kisses Cindy.]''
:'''Carl''': Hey, Guys! Okay, you're coming back right? Right? Guys! My scapula!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Butch''': Jimmy and Cindy sitting in a-
:''[Cindy forcefully punches him squarely in the stomach.]''
:'''Butch''': ''[panting on the floor]'' ...tree.

===''King of Mars'' [3.20]===
:'''Libby''': Wow, the universe is so vast and intricate. I'm bored.
:'''Cindy''': Hmm, Libs, keep an eye on Mars for me. It's been acting weird all night.
:'''Libby''': ''[sniffing]'' Is that… Eau d'Amino Acid? Girl, you brought us here so you could flirt with Jimmy.
:'''Cindy''': Did not! I'm here because Jimmy values my scientific input.
:'''Libby''': Why don't those two just get a lab?
:'''Cindy''': Hey, Neutron, have you checked out Mars?
:'''Jimmy''': Huh? Mars is old news. I'm spotting comets.
:'''Cindy''': But it's been showing huge fluctuations in brightness. Definitely worth a good long look.
:'''Jimmy''': What's that bewitching scent?
:'''Cindy''': You mean my perfume? I just splashed this on when I don't care what I smell like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': When a colleague suggests that you look at Mars, it's polite to look at Mars!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eustace''': Is that who I think it is? How delicious! Hello, Neutron.
:'''Libby''': ''[to Cindy]'' It's that spoiled rich kid who has it in for Jimmy!
:'''Jimmy''': Eustace Strych. I thought you were grounded for life.
:'''Eustace''': Yes, well, my daddy's will is easily manipulated. So, Jimmy, did you forget that I'd sworn everlasting vengeance against you?
:'''Jimmy''': Hmm, it sort of slipped my mind because I have a life, you loser!
:'''Eustace''': Don't get saucy with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy''': Well, it's your fault! ''[points to Jimmy]''
:'''Jimmy''': What?!
:'''Cindy''': Oh, don't act dumb! At least Eustace treated me like an equal. You act like I don't even exist!
:'''Jimmy''': You are so clueless, Vortex!  Of course I know you exist, that’s why I pretend to ignore you!

===''El Magnifico'' [3.21a]===

===''Best in Show'' [3.21b]===
:'''Jimmy''': Goddard? ''[finds Goddard's note next to him in his bed]'' He left me a note in binary code. Better translate. ''[gets up from his bed and inserts the note into his computer]'' '''&quot;Dear, Master. Sorry I let you down. You'd be better off with a real dog like everyone says. Your ex-pet, Goddard.&quot;''' He ran away! ''[typing on the computer]'' Access Goddard tracking device. ''[an &quot;ACCESS DENIED&quot; error appears on the screen; groans]'' He decommissioned his tracking device! ''[yelling from the window]'' '''''GODDARD!!!'''''

==External links==
* {{imdb title|ch0033574|The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=jim Jimmy Neutron at Nick.com]

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|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Live&amp;#8209;action&amp;nbsp;television&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''Legends of the Superheroes'' '''·''' ''[[Birds of Prey (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Birds of Prey&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt'' '''·''' ''[[Gotham (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Gotham&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Penguin (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Penguin&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black rowspan=5 align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Live-action&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;serials and films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;!-- [[Batman (serial)| --&gt;''Batman'' (1943) '''·''' ''&lt;!-- [[Batman and Robin (serial)| --&gt;Batman and Robin'' '''·''' [[Batman (1966 film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''Batman'' (1966)&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black width=150px align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;1989&amp;nbsp;film&amp;nbsp;series&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[Batman (1989 film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''Batman'' (1989)&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' ''[[Batman Returns|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Returns&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Forever|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Forever&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman &amp; Robin&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;The&amp;nbsp;''Dark&amp;nbsp;Knight''&amp;nbsp;Trilogy&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman Begins|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Begins&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Dark Knight (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Dark Knight&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Dark Knight Rises|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Dark Knight Rises&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;DC&amp;nbsp;Extended&amp;nbsp;Universe&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Batman&amp;nbsp;Epic&amp;nbsp;Crime&amp;nbsp;Saga&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The Batman (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''The Batman'' (2022)&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;television&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''The Adventures of Batman'' '''·''' ''The Batman/Superman Hour'' '''·''' ''The Batman/Tarzan Adventure Hour'' '''·''' ''The New Adventures of Batman'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Animated Series|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman: The Animated Series&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The New Batman Adventures|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The &amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; New Batman Adventures&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Beyond|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Beyond&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Batman]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' '''·''' ''[[Beware the Batman|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Beware the Batman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black rowspan=2 align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Featuring&amp;nbsp;Batman&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Mask of the Phantasm&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman &amp; Mr. Freeze: SubZero|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;SubZero&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Return of the Joker&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Mystery of the Batwoman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Batman vs. Dracula]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Under the Red Hood&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Year One]]'' '''·''' &amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|The Dark Knight Returns]]'' '''·''' ''[[Lego Batman: The Movie – DC Super Heroes Unite|DC Super Heroes Unite]]'' '''·''' ''[[Son of Batman]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham|Assault on Arkham]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|The Killing Joke]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' '''.''' ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight|Gotham by Gaslight]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Death in the Family|Death in the Family]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;With&amp;nbsp;other&amp;nbsp;heroes&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' '''·''' ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse|Superman/Batman: &lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; Apocalypse]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' '''·''' ''[[JLA Adventures: Trapped in Time]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: War]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Lego Movie|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The &lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; Lego Movie&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' '''·''' ''Batman Unlimited: Animal Instincts'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' '''·''' ''Batman Unlimited: Monster Mayhem'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;shorts&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''Chase Me'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Gotham Knight&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-&lt;!-- |style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Novels&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: Dead White|Dead White]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Fear Itself|Fear Itself]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Inferno|Inferno]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Ultimate Evil|The Ultimate Evil]]'' '''·''' ''[[Enemies &amp; Allies]]'' '''·''' ''[[Wayne of Gotham]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Related&amp;nbsp;topics&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batkid Begins]]'' '''·''' ''[[Bat-Manga!: The Secret History of Batman in Japan]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt; --&gt;
|}&lt;/div&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3606963</id>
      <parentid>3606962</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:43:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.26.233.148</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3606963</origin>
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      <text bytes="8850" sha1="j6d3kuxyrofzj6qt9g2ih5lpdju12ch" xml:space="preserve">&lt;noinclude&gt;{{italic title}}{{Wikipedia|Template:Batman}}{{Wikipedia|Template:Batman in popular media}}{{clear}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;margin:1em auto; width:1100px;border:2px solid black&quot;&gt;
{|
|-
|style=background:black align=center valign=bottom colspan=4|'''[[Batman (comics)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;''Batman''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]]'''
|-
|style=background:black width=150px align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Creators&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[Bob Kane|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Bob Kane&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' [[Bill Finger|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Bill Finger&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:black width=128px rowspan=3 align=right|
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Characters&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[Anarky|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Anarky&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' [[Batgirl|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batgirl&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' [[Barbara Gordon|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Barbara Gordon&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' [[Dick Grayson|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Dick Grayson&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' [[The Joker|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Joker&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Live&amp;#8209;action&amp;nbsp;television&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''Legends of the Superheroes'' '''·''' ''[[Birds of Prey (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Birds of Prey&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt'' '''·''' ''[[Gotham (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Gotham&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Penguin (TV series)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Penguin&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black rowspan=5 align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Live-action&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;serials and films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;!-- [[Batman (serial)| --&gt;''Batman'' (1943) '''·''' ''&lt;!-- [[Batman and Robin (serial)| --&gt;Batman and Robin'' '''·''' [[Batman (1966 film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''Batman'' (1966)&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black width=150px align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;1989&amp;nbsp;film&amp;nbsp;series&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[Batman (1989 film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''Batman'' (1989)&lt;/span&gt;]] '''·''' ''[[Batman Returns|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Returns&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Forever|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Forever&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman &amp; Robin&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;The&amp;nbsp;''Dark&amp;nbsp;Knight''&amp;nbsp;Trilogy&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman Begins|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Begins&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Dark Knight (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Dark Knight&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Dark Knight Rises|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The Dark Knight Rises&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;DC&amp;nbsp;Extended&amp;nbsp;Universe&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Batman&amp;nbsp;Epic&amp;nbsp;Crime&amp;nbsp;Saga&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; [[The Batman (film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;''The Batman'' (2022)&lt;/span&gt;]] &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;television&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''The Adventures of Batman'' '''·''' ''The Batman/Superman Hour'' '''·''' ''The Batman/Tarzan Adventure Hour'' '''·''' ''The New Adventures of Batman'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Animated Series|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman: The Animated Series&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The New Batman Adventures|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The &amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; New Batman Adventures&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Beyond|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Batman Beyond&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Batman]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' '''·''' ''[[Beware the Batman|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Beware the Batman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black rowspan=2 align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Featuring&amp;nbsp;Batman&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Mask of the Phantasm&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman &amp; Mr. Freeze: SubZero|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;SubZero&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Return of the Joker&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Mystery of the Batwoman&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Batman vs. Dracula]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Under the Red Hood&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Year One]]'' '''·''' &amp;nbsp;&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|The Dark Knight Returns]]'' '''·''' ''[[Lego Batman: The Movie – DC Super Heroes Unite|DC Super Heroes Unite]]'' '''·''' ''[[Son of Batman]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham|Assault on Arkham]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|The Killing Joke]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight|Gotham by Gaslight]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Death in the Family|Death in the Family]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;With&amp;nbsp;other&amp;nbsp;heroes&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=2|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' '''·''' ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse|Superman/Batman: &lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; Apocalypse]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' '''·''' ''[[JLA Adventures: Trapped in Time]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: War]]'' '''·''' ''[[The Lego Movie|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;The &lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp; Lego Movie&lt;/span&gt;]]'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' '''·''' ''Batman Unlimited: Animal Instincts'' '''·''' ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' '''·''' ''Batman Unlimited: Monster Mayhem'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Animated&amp;nbsp;shorts&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''Chase Me'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight|&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;Gotham Knight&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-&lt;!-- |style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Novels&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batman: Dead White|Dead White]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Fear Itself|Fear Itself]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: Inferno|Inferno]]'' '''·''' ''[[Batman: The Ultimate Evil|The Ultimate Evil]]'' '''·''' ''[[Enemies &amp; Allies]]'' '''·''' ''[[Wayne of Gotham]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:black align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:yellow;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Related&amp;nbsp;topics&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:yellow colspan=3|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:black;&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp; ''[[Batkid Begins]]'' '''·''' ''[[Bat-Manga!: The Secret History of Batman in Japan]]'' &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt; --&gt;
|}&lt;/div&gt;&lt;noinclude&gt;[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>183612</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607155</id>
      <parentid>3588531</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:17:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>71.221.204.92</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Alvin */</comment>
      <origin>3607155</origin>
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'''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]''''' is a 2015 American live action road-adventure family caper comedy film directed by [[w:Walt Becker|Walt Becker]] and written by [[w:Randi Mayem Singer|Randi Mayem Singer]] and [[w:Adam Sztykiel|Adam Sztykiel]]. It is the fourth and final installment in the [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' film series]] and is a sequel to the 2011 film, ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]''. The film was released on December 18, 2015, by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]].
{{center|'''Boys on the hood.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Taglines==
* Boys on the hood.
* Fast and furry-ous.
* The Road Chip begins Christmas.

== Alvin ==
* When I say &quot;party&quot;, you say &quot;Alvin&quot;!
* That's insulting. We are very mature.
* Operation: Ring-retrieval is a go. No ring, no proposal. No proposal, no Miles.
* Great speech, Churchill.
* Beard peanuts?
* Miles, we are so sorry. We have not been fair to you from day one. And the truth is… you'd make a great brother.
* Earlier this evening, we accidentally ruined a very special evening for a very special woman, and we did like to make it up to her. ''[to Alice]'' Alice? Barry has something he did like to ask you… Again.
* ''[trailer]'' Whoa. Buzzkill.

== Simon ==
* Redfoo is here?!
* That was awesome! I am definitely going again!
* ''[to Alvin; annoyingly through gritted teeth for nudging him]'' I am standing right here. I can hear what he is saying.
* ''[speaking in Spanish; to Miles]'' I also speak Spanish. And you are not fooling anyone with your good boy routine.
* ''[referring to Agent James Suggs]'' Whoa. That guy is the mayor of Crazy Town.
* Hey, we missed a call from Dave. And a text. ''twenty-seven'' of them.

== Theodore ==
* Sorry. Pizza toots.
* I have always wanted a mom.
* You mess with one of us, you mess with ''all'' of us.

== Agent James Suggs ==
* I am not a fan.
* ''[to Alvin]'' You better watch it! Do you know who you are talking to? I am the police of the sky!
* You provided the soundtrack to my heartbreak. But now it is payback time. I am putting you three on the No-Fly List!
* Let me explain. I have a reason to believe there's a fugitive chipmunk in your beard.
* ''[fighting Alvin with karate-chops]'' I WILL SLICE AND DICE YOU LIKE SPICY SUSHI ROLL!
* I partied with those tree-skunks?!
* [[The Shining (film)|Here's Suggsy!]] ''[laughs]''

== Dialogue ==
:''[first lines; Theodore turns on the camera]''
:'''Alvin''': Are we rolling?
:'''Theodore''': Okay, we're rolling. ''[moves the camera to Alvin and Simon]'' Dave's birthday message, take one.
:'''Alvin and Simon''': Happy birthday, Dave!
:'''Alvin''': We know how hard you've been working on Ashley's album... so we thought it would be fun to surprise you with a little party.
:'''Brittany''': Hey! I thought you said this was a going-away party for us.
:'''Alvin''': Uh...
:'''Theodore''': Take two.
:'''Alvin''': ''[claps his hands]'' To celebrate your birthday… and The Chipettes leaving to guest-judge American Idol… We thought we'd throw you a small get… ''[The cellphone is ringing]'' Hold on, that's the DJ!
:'''Simon''': Wait, &quot;DJ&quot;?
:'''Alvin''': Okay, fine, so it might be a medium-sized get-together.
:'''Simon''': Alvin, did you hire someone to build a half-pipe in the backyard?! ''[takes off his glasses angrily]''
:'''Alvin''': Of course not! The party planner did.
:'''Simon''': You hired a party planner?!
:'''Party planner''': No, he did not hire a &quot;party planner.&quot;
:'''Simon''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[puts his glasses back on]'' For a minute there, I...
:'''Party planner''': I am an event planner. Marco, I'm done giving you instructions.
:'''Simon''': ''[worried]'' Oh, boy.
:''[That night in the backyard]''
:'''Alvin''': Dave, it's all good. It's just us. ''[chuckles nervously]'' Nothing too cra... ''[Theodore accidentally presses the flip button on the cellphone]'' Theodore, you hit the flip button!
:'''Theodore''': Oops! Um, hi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it, Dave. The cops are here! 
:'''Alvin''': And they're having a blast!
:'''Police officers''': Happy birthday, Dave!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeanette''': Is that safe?
:'''Simon''': No, it is absolutely not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': When I say &quot;party&quot;, you say &quot;Alvin&quot;. Party!
:'''Party People''': Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Party!
:'''Dave and the Party People''': Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Party!
:'''Dave''': [unplugs the music] ALVIN!
:'''Alvin''': Um… Surprise?
:'''Theodore''': Uh-oh!
:'''Simon''': Oh boy...
:'''Brittany''': Uh, if anyone needs us, we'll just be… ''[whispers]'' across the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Okay, where was I? Shoulders up, shoulders down.
:'''Alvin''': ''[annoyed]'' Oh, brother. ''[yelling in his face] HIT THE BALL, ALREADY!''
:'''Simon''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dave returns with Samantha]''
:'''Simon''': Oh, Dave, thank goodness.
:'''Alvin''': Hey, Dave.
:'''Dave''': Hey, guys. This is Samantha. Sam, these are my boys.
:'''Samantha''': Hi.
:'''Theodore''': Hi.
:''[Dave and Samantha look up]''
:'''Dave''': That's Theodore. He might be the smallest, but he's got the biggest heart.
:'''Samantha''': Hi.
:'''Alvin''': Ooh, we've heard a lot about you. ''[Samantha comes close to Alvin]'' Enchant. ''[kisses Samantha's finger]''
:'''Samantha''': I can tell that you're trouble.
:'''Alvin''': If by &quot;trouble&quot;, you mean &quot;irresistible&quot;, then guilty as charged.
:'''Dave''': Alvin, of course, and there's Simon.
:'''Simon''': So, you're a doctor?
:'''Samantha''': I am. Did Dave mention that?
:'''Simon''': No, you're wearing a stethoscope.
:'''Samantha''': ''[looks at her stethoscope]'' Yes, I am. ''[takes off her Stethoscope]'' That's embarrassing.
:'''Simon''': Would it be okay if I tried it?
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, knock yourself out.
:''[She gives Simon the stethoscope]''
:'''Simon''': Oh, thank you. ''[uses a Stethoscope to listen to his heart]'' Heart rate is smooth and steady, 400 BPM.
:'''Theodore''': So, it's beating?
:'''Dave''': Of course it's beating.
:'''Samantha''': It's so nice to finally meet you guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks enter Dave's bedroom and watch him locking a safe in his nightstand and he goes into the bathroom, without noticing]''
:'''Theodore''': I've always wanted a mom.
:'''Alvin''': Guys, if Samantha is our mom, that makes Miles…
:'''Simon''': ''[puts his hand on his chest; horrified]'' Our brother!
:''[They picture Miles using them to wash Dave's car, then blowing them with a leaf blower, and hanging them on a Christmas tree as ornaments]''
:'''Theodore''': '''''NO!!!''''' ''[uses a paper bag to breathe out his hyperventilating]''
:'''Simon''': Deep breaths, Theodore. In and out. It's going to be okay.
:'''Theodore''': What are we gonna do?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': Okay, guys, Miss Price from next door, she's gonna peek in on you, make sure you're all right.
:'''Alvin''': What?! She's nuts! ''We'' should be the ones checking in on ''her.''
:'''Dave''': Well, after that big party you guys threw, I don't feel very comfortable with you guys staying here unsupervised. You got it?  ''[doorbell rings]'' Oh, that must be Samantha and Miles.
:''[Theodore coughs from hearing the name]''
:'''Alvin''': Miles?!
:'''Dave''': Yeah, he's gonna stay with you guys for a few days.
:'''Simon''': So, you don't feel comfortable leaving us alone, but you're okay leaving us with that psychopath?
:'''Dave''': No, he's a great kid. It'll be fun. You know, it'll be, uh, a good bonding experience for you guys.
:'''Simon''': Uh, I'm pretty sure Miles would interpret &quot;bonding experience&quot; as super-gluing us together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Alvin and Miles look at the squirrels]''
:'''Miles''': I can't believe that worked.
:'''Alvin''': It wasn't so much me as it was the peanuts dipped in cough syrup.
:'''Miles''': That's really messed up. Respect.
:''[They both do a fist bump]''
:'''Alvin''': Thank you!
:'''Simon''': Alvin, these aren't even chipmunks. They're squirrels.
:'''Alvin''': Beggars can't be choosers. Besides, once we put them in the shirts from the Alvin, Simon and Theodore dolls... Miss Price won't be able to tell the difference.
:'''Miles''': Yeah, let's do it.
:'''Theodore''': Ooh, oh... I get to change me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Hello, New Orleans! Direct from our Austin to Miami Combat Tour, we're The Chipmunks! ''[people of New Orleans cheering]''
:'''Theodore''': Is everybody ready to get their funk on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Did you guys hear that?
:'''Miles''': Hear what?
:'''Alvin''': Huh. Never mind.
:'''Miles''': Guys, last night was one of the best nights of my life.
:'''Alvin''': It was pretty crazy.
:'''Theodore''': Even that Suggs guy hung out with us.
:'''Alvin''': Yeah, he's not that bad after all.
:'''Simon''': Hey! We missed a call from Dave. And a text. 27 of them.
:'''Theodore''': Uh-oh!
:'''Miles''': Oh-no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%'/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': This is where they told us to meet them, right?
:'''Theodore''': Well, yelled at us to meet them.
:'''Miles''': Hopefully they had time to cool off on the plane.
:'''Dave''': There you four are.
:'''Simon''': Dave!
:'''Alvin''': Dave!
:'''Miles''': Mom!
:'''Dave''': Don't &quot;Dave, Mom&quot; us.
:'''Samantha''': You know what, Dave? You're an artist, and you're emotional... and you follow your heart, but maybe I should take the lead on this one. You know, we keep a level head. Throw them a little Good Cop. Okay.
:'''Dave''': Okay.
:'''Samantha''': ''[to Miles and the Chipmunks]'' Don't you &quot;Dave, Mom&quot; us. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is... to find out that your children are 2,000 miles away from where they're supposed to be? You are lucky that there are witnesses, ''[Everyone heard everything]'' because I am so angry and disappointed right now... that I could just spit! Right here, on this floor! And I mean it!
:'''Dave''': Okay, okay, okay, okay. Nice Good Cop.
:'''Alvin''': Dave, I swear, it wasn't as crazy as it looked on TV.
:'''Dave''': Oh, really? Well, let me just pull up some of Theodore's tweets from last night. &quot;Only one word to describe this night, &quot;Crazy, crazy, crazy,crazy.&quot; Or, &quot;if you wanna get crazy, &quot;go to New Orleans. It's the craziest.&quot; Or, &quot;In a New Orleans Jazz Parade, &quot;so crazy.&quot;
:'''Simon''': We're really sorry, Dave.
:'''Dave''': Sorry's not gonna cut it this time, guys. If were up to me, we'd be going home, but I gotta get back to Miami. Do not smile. You guys are grounded in Miami and also when we get back to LA.
:'''Alvin''': ''[scoffs]'' When are we not grounded?
:'''Dave''': You'll be so old, and your fur will be gray.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, that goes for your fur too, Miles.
:'''Miles''': I don't have fur.
:'''Samantha''': Well, whatever you have is grounded... for a long time. Let’s Go, come on.
:'''Alvin''': Huh. They didn't kill us after all
:'''Miles''': Feels like a win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks enters the elevator]''
:'''Alvin''': Hurry, hurry! 
:'''Theodore''': He's coming!
:''[The Chipmunks climb up the elevator's bar]''
:'''Theodore''': Hurry, Alvin. Hit the button!
:'''Simon''': Come on, Alvin! Hurry, hurry!
:''[Alvin pushes the button on the elevator, and the elevator's door is closing]''
:'''Theodore''': ''[sighs]''
:'''Simon''': Whew!
:'''Agent James Suggs''': Ha!
:''[Agent James Suggs stops the elevator door, and opens it]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': Here's Suggsy! ''[he does an evil laugh]''
:'''Simon''': He's like the Terminator!
:'''Theodore''': Yeah!
:''[Agent James Suggs enter the elevator]''
:'''Alvin''': Oh, no.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': This is ironic. We're gonna be going up... but I'm taking you boys down. ''[he snickers]'' Now, here's what's gonna happen... I'm gonna turn you over to Homeland Security... and they're gonna put you in a zoo prison for dangerous animals.
:'''Simon''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, no.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': And then, if you ever get out of there... I'm gonna pay someone to have you stuffed.
:'''Alvin''': Right.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': And I'm gonna give you as a gift to Anna, who will hopefully take me back.
:''[Simon and Theodore look at each other]''
:'''Alvin''': Dude, I'm sorry, but it's over.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': You don't know that.
:'''Simon''': Theo, let's go.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': I just think there's something wrong with her phone and she's not getting my texts... or the flowers, or my candy grams. ''[Simon and Theodore open the emergency hatch]'' And I, personally, don't think it's uncommon... for someone to move five times a year and change their number. ''[he laughs]'' Okay? It's normal.
:'''Alvin''': Oh, yeah. Totally normal.
:'''Simon''': Alvin!
:''[Agent James Suggs looks up]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': What? What's going on?
:'''Alvin''': And that's our cue to leave.
:''[Alvin pushes the red button, The elevator begins to shake]''
:'''Alvin''': It has been a treat.
:''[Alvin runs to his brothers]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': No... What are you doing?
:'''Simon''': And elevator power off.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': ''[yells]'' No! No!
:''[Agent James Suggs tries to reach for the emergency hatch, But the Chipmunks closes the hatch, Agent James Suggs is now stuck in an elevator]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': The only reason we're not headed back to LA right now is because... I have to be here. As soon as the show is over, we're all going home. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in you guys than I am right now.
:'''Simon''': If Dave didn't wanna get rid of us before, he definitely does now.
:'''Alvin''': All because we only cared about if we were happy. Maybe it's a chipmunk thing, like hoarding, you know? Maybe we're emotional hoarders.
:'''Simon''': Actually, chipmunks are traditionally very caring creatures.
:'''Alvin''': Oh, nuts. Well, that means it's us.
:'''Theodore''': I'd do anything to fix this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Before we perform, my brothers and I have a few things to set things straight. Earlier this evening, we accidentally ruined a very special evening for a very special woman and we'd like to make it up to her.
:'''Theodore''': Yeah.
:''[The chipmunks turn their attention to Alice]''
:'''Alvin''': Alice? Barry has something he'd like to ask you… Again.
:'''Barry''': ''[takes out the ring from his lining pocket and kneels down before Alice]'' Will you marry me this time?
:'''Alice''': ''[as Barry puts the ring on her finger; on the verge of tears]'' Yes.
:''[Everyone cheers and applaud for them as they hug]''
:'''Barry''': Thanks, Chipmunks.
:'''Alvin''': And we just have one more quick thing to say. Dave… ''[in unison]'' We're really sorry.
:'''Simon &amp; Theodore''': ''[in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Theodore''': So we wrote this last song for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Girls, thank you. We owe you one.
:'''Brittany''': You owe us way more than one, but, you're welcome.
:'''Jeanette''': Guys, we have to get back to auditions. Ryan's been texting me like crazy.
:'''Brittany''': Come on, girls. Let's roll.
:'''Eleanor''': Bye, Theodore-able.
:''[Eleanor giggles, she runs after Brittany and Jeanette, Simon takes off his glasses as he looks at Theodore, who shrugs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': I can't believe I'm saying this, but I had fun getting in trouble with you guys.
:'''Simon''': The trip might be over, but as long as Alvin is around, we'll always get into trouble.
:'''Alvin''': Thanks, Si.
:'''Simon''': Not a compliment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dave and the chipmunks arrive home]''
:'''Alvin''': Hey, official and legal dad?
:'''Dave''': Yes, official and legal son?
:'''Alvin''': Thanks for being the best official and legal dad, Dad.
:'''Dave''': Well, you three are the best official and legal sons an official and legal father could ask for.
:'''Simon''': Aw. That's sweet of you to say, Dad.
:'''Theodore''': Yeah. 
:'''Dave''': But seriously, guys, this is the happiest day of my life. Literally nothing could ruin it for me. 
:''[They all enter the house, Dave finds out that the squirrels made a huge mess]'' 
:'''Theodore''':  Oh, boy.
:'''Simon''': ''[gasps]'' Alvin.
:'''Alvin''': Totally forgot about this. 
:''[One squirrel eats the table, another rips the curtain]''
:'''Dave''': ALVIN!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — Dave Seville
* [[w:Tony Hale|Tony Hale]] — Agent James Suggs
* [[w:Kimberly Williams-Paisley|Kimberly Williams-Paisley]] — Samantha
* Josh Green — Miles
* [[w:Bella Thorne|Bella Thorne]] — Ashley Grey
* [[w:Eddie Steeples|Eddie Steeples]] — Barry
* [[w:Retta|Retta]] — Party Planner
* [[Uzo Aduba]] — TSA Officer Jane Johnson
* [[w:Flula Borg|Flula Borg]] — Man Behind Mask
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — Voice of Alvin Seville
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — Voice of Simon Seville
* [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — Voice of Theodore Seville
* [[w:Kaley Cuoco|Kaley Cuoco]] — Voice of Eleanor Miller
* [[w:Anna Faris|Anna Faris]] — Voice of Jeanette Miller
* [[Christina Applegate]] — Voice of Brittany Miller

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|2974918|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip}}

[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Road comedy films]]
[[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Walt Becker]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in New Orleans]]
[[Category:Films set in Miami]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]''''' is a 2015 American live action road-adventure family caper comedy film directed by [[w:Walt Becker|Walt Becker]] and written by [[w:Randi Mayem Singer|Randi Mayem Singer]] and [[w:Adam Sztykiel|Adam Sztykiel]]. It is the fourth and final installment in the [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' film series]] and is a sequel to the 2011 film, ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]''. The film was released on December 18, 2015, by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]].
{{center|'''Boys on the hood.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Taglines==
* Boys on the hood.
* Fast and furry-ous.
* The Road Chip begins Christmas.

== Alvin ==
* When I say &quot;party&quot;, you say &quot;Alvin&quot;!
* That's insulting. We are very mature.
* Operation: Ring-retrieval is a go. No ring, no proposal. No proposal, no Miles.
* Great speech, Churchill.
* Beard peanuts?
* Miles, we are so sorry. We have not been fair to you from day one. And the truth is… you'd make a great brother.
* Earlier this evening, we accidentally ruined a very special evening for a very special woman, and we did like to make it up to her. ''[to Alice]'' Alice? Barry has something he did like to ask you… Again.
* ''[trailer]'' Whoa. Buzzkill.

== Simon ==
* Redfoo is here?!
* That was awesome! I am definitely going again!
* ''[to Alvin; annoyingly through gritted teeth for nudging him]'' I am standing right here. I can hear what he's saying.
* ''[speaking in Spanish; to Miles]'' I also speak Spanish. And you are not fooling anyone with your good boy routine.
* ''[referring to Agent James Suggs]'' Whoa. That guy is the mayor of Crazy Town.
* Hey, we missed a call from Dave. And a text. ''twenty-seven'' of them.

== Theodore ==
* Sorry. Pizza toots.
* I have always wanted a mom.
* You mess with one of us, you mess with ''all'' of us.

== Agent James Suggs ==
* I am not a fan.
* ''[to Alvin]'' You better watch it! Do you know who you are talking to? I am the police of the sky!
* You provided the soundtrack to my heartbreak. But now it is payback time. I am putting you three on the No-Fly List!
* Let me explain. I have a reason to believe there's a fugitive chipmunk in your beard.
* ''[fighting Alvin with karate-chops]'' I WILL SLICE AND DICE YOU LIKE SPICY SUSHI ROLL!
* I partied with those tree-skunks?!
* [[The Shining (film)|Here's Suggsy!]] ''[laughs]''

== Dialogue ==
:''[first lines; Theodore turns on the camera]''
:'''Alvin''': Are we rolling?
:'''Theodore''': Okay, we're rolling. ''[moves the camera to Alvin and Simon]'' Dave's birthday message, take one.
:'''Alvin and Simon''': Happy birthday, Dave!
:'''Alvin''': We know how hard you've been working on Ashley's album... so we thought it would be fun to surprise you with a little party.
:'''Brittany''': Hey! I thought you said this was a going-away party for us.
:'''Alvin''': Uh...
:'''Theodore''': Take two.
:'''Alvin''': ''[claps his hands]'' To celebrate your birthday… and The Chipettes leaving to guest-judge American Idol… We thought we'd throw you a small get… ''[The cellphone is ringing]'' Hold on, that's the DJ!
:'''Simon''': Wait, &quot;DJ&quot;?
:'''Alvin''': Okay, fine, so it might be a medium-sized get-together.
:'''Simon''': Alvin, did you hire someone to build a half-pipe in the backyard?! ''[takes off his glasses angrily]''
:'''Alvin''': Of course not! The party planner did.
:'''Simon''': You hired a party planner?!
:'''Party planner''': No, he did not hire a &quot;party planner.&quot;
:'''Simon''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[puts his glasses back on]'' For a minute there, I...
:'''Party planner''': I am an event planner. Marco, I'm done giving you instructions.
:'''Simon''': ''[worried]'' Oh, boy.
:''[That night in the backyard]''
:'''Alvin''': Dave, it's all good. It's just us. ''[chuckles nervously]'' Nothing too cra... ''[Theodore accidentally presses the flip button on the cellphone]'' Theodore, you hit the flip button!
:'''Theodore''': Oops! Um, hi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it, Dave. The cops are here! 
:'''Alvin''': And they're having a blast!
:'''Police officers''': Happy birthday, Dave!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeanette''': Is that safe?
:'''Simon''': No, it is absolutely not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': When I say &quot;party&quot;, you say &quot;Alvin&quot;. Party!
:'''Party People''': Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Party!
:'''Dave and the Party People''': Alvin!
:'''Alvin''': Party!
:'''Dave''': [unplugs the music] ALVIN!
:'''Alvin''': Um… Surprise?
:'''Theodore''': Uh-oh!
:'''Simon''': Oh boy...
:'''Brittany''': Uh, if anyone needs us, we'll just be… ''[whispers]'' across the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon''': Okay, where was I? Shoulders up, shoulders down.
:'''Alvin''': ''[annoyed]'' Oh, brother. ''[yelling in his face] HIT THE BALL, ALREADY!''
:'''Simon''': Okay!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dave returns with Samantha]''
:'''Simon''': Oh, Dave, thank goodness.
:'''Alvin''': Hey, Dave.
:'''Dave''': Hey, guys. This is Samantha. Sam, these are my boys.
:'''Samantha''': Hi.
:'''Theodore''': Hi.
:''[Dave and Samantha look up]''
:'''Dave''': That's Theodore. He might be the smallest, but he's got the biggest heart.
:'''Samantha''': Hi.
:'''Alvin''': Ooh, we've heard a lot about you. ''[Samantha comes close to Alvin]'' Enchant. ''[kisses Samantha's finger]''
:'''Samantha''': I can tell that you're trouble.
:'''Alvin''': If by &quot;trouble&quot;, you mean &quot;irresistible&quot;, then guilty as charged.
:'''Dave''': Alvin, of course, and there's Simon.
:'''Simon''': So, you're a doctor?
:'''Samantha''': I am. Did Dave mention that?
:'''Simon''': No, you're wearing a stethoscope.
:'''Samantha''': ''[looks at her stethoscope]'' Yes, I am. ''[takes off her Stethoscope]'' That's embarrassing.
:'''Simon''': Would it be okay if I tried it?
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, knock yourself out.
:''[She gives Simon the stethoscope]''
:'''Simon''': Oh, thank you. ''[uses a Stethoscope to listen to his heart]'' Heart rate is smooth and steady, 400 BPM.
:'''Theodore''': So, it's beating?
:'''Dave''': Of course it's beating.
:'''Samantha''': It's so nice to finally meet you guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks enter Dave's bedroom and watch him locking a safe in his nightstand and he goes into the bathroom, without noticing]''
:'''Theodore''': I've always wanted a mom.
:'''Alvin''': Guys, if Samantha is our mom, that makes Miles…
:'''Simon''': ''[puts his hand on his chest; horrified]'' Our brother!
:''[They picture Miles using them to wash Dave's car, then blowing them with a leaf blower, and hanging them on a Christmas tree as ornaments]''
:'''Theodore''': '''''NO!!!''''' ''[uses a paper bag to breathe out his hyperventilating]''
:'''Simon''': Deep breaths, Theodore. In and out. It's going to be okay.
:'''Theodore''': What are we gonna do?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': Okay, guys, Miss Price from next door, she's gonna peek in on you, make sure you're all right.
:'''Alvin''': What?! She's nuts! ''We'' should be the ones checking in on ''her.''
:'''Dave''': Well, after that big party you guys threw, I don't feel very comfortable with you guys staying here unsupervised. You got it?  ''[doorbell rings]'' Oh, that must be Samantha and Miles.
:''[Theodore coughs from hearing the name]''
:'''Alvin''': Miles?!
:'''Dave''': Yeah, he's gonna stay with you guys for a few days.
:'''Simon''': So, you don't feel comfortable leaving us alone, but you're okay leaving us with that psychopath?
:'''Dave''': No, he's a great kid. It'll be fun. You know, it'll be, uh, a good bonding experience for you guys.
:'''Simon''': Uh, I'm pretty sure Miles would interpret &quot;bonding experience&quot; as super-gluing us together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Alvin and Miles look at the squirrels]''
:'''Miles''': I can't believe that worked.
:'''Alvin''': It wasn't so much me as it was the peanuts dipped in cough syrup.
:'''Miles''': That's really messed up. Respect.
:''[They both do a fist bump]''
:'''Alvin''': Thank you!
:'''Simon''': Alvin, these aren't even chipmunks. They're squirrels.
:'''Alvin''': Beggars can't be choosers. Besides, once we put them in the shirts from the Alvin, Simon and Theodore dolls... Miss Price won't be able to tell the difference.
:'''Miles''': Yeah, let's do it.
:'''Theodore''': Ooh, oh... I get to change me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Hello, New Orleans! Direct from our Austin to Miami Combat Tour, we're The Chipmunks! ''[people of New Orleans cheering]''
:'''Theodore''': Is everybody ready to get their funk on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Did you guys hear that?
:'''Miles''': Hear what?
:'''Alvin''': Huh. Never mind.
:'''Miles''': Guys, last night was one of the best nights of my life.
:'''Alvin''': It was pretty crazy.
:'''Theodore''': Even that Suggs guy hung out with us.
:'''Alvin''': Yeah, he's not that bad after all.
:'''Simon''': Hey! We missed a call from Dave. And a text. 27 of them.
:'''Theodore''': Uh-oh!
:'''Miles''': Oh-no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%'/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': This is where they told us to meet them, right?
:'''Theodore''': Well, yelled at us to meet them.
:'''Miles''': Hopefully they had time to cool off on the plane.
:'''Dave''': There you four are.
:'''Simon''': Dave!
:'''Alvin''': Dave!
:'''Miles''': Mom!
:'''Dave''': Don't &quot;Dave, Mom&quot; us.
:'''Samantha''': You know what, Dave? You're an artist, and you're emotional... and you follow your heart, but maybe I should take the lead on this one. You know, we keep a level head. Throw them a little Good Cop. Okay.
:'''Dave''': Okay.
:'''Samantha''': ''[to Miles and the Chipmunks]'' Don't you &quot;Dave, Mom&quot; us. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is... to find out that your children are 2,000 miles away from where they're supposed to be? You are lucky that there are witnesses, ''[Everyone heard everything]'' because I am so angry and disappointed right now... that I could just spit! Right here, on this floor! And I mean it!
:'''Dave''': Okay, okay, okay, okay. Nice Good Cop.
:'''Alvin''': Dave, I swear, it wasn't as crazy as it looked on TV.
:'''Dave''': Oh, really? Well, let me just pull up some of Theodore's tweets from last night. &quot;Only one word to describe this night, &quot;Crazy, crazy, crazy,crazy.&quot; Or, &quot;if you wanna get crazy, &quot;go to New Orleans. It's the craziest.&quot; Or, &quot;In a New Orleans Jazz Parade, &quot;so crazy.&quot;
:'''Simon''': We're really sorry, Dave.
:'''Dave''': Sorry's not gonna cut it this time, guys. If were up to me, we'd be going home, but I gotta get back to Miami. Do not smile. You guys are grounded in Miami and also when we get back to LA.
:'''Alvin''': ''[scoffs]'' When are we not grounded?
:'''Dave''': You'll be so old, and your fur will be gray.
:'''Samantha''': Yeah, that goes for your fur too, Miles.
:'''Miles''': I don't have fur.
:'''Samantha''': Well, whatever you have is grounded... for a long time. Let’s Go, come on.
:'''Alvin''': Huh. They didn't kill us after all
:'''Miles''': Feels like a win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Chipmunks enters the elevator]''
:'''Alvin''': Hurry, hurry! 
:'''Theodore''': He's coming!
:''[The Chipmunks climb up the elevator's bar]''
:'''Theodore''': Hurry, Alvin. Hit the button!
:'''Simon''': Come on, Alvin! Hurry, hurry!
:''[Alvin pushes the button on the elevator, and the elevator's door is closing]''
:'''Theodore''': ''[sighs]''
:'''Simon''': Whew!
:'''Agent James Suggs''': Ha!
:''[Agent James Suggs stops the elevator door, and opens it]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': Here's Suggsy! ''[he does an evil laugh]''
:'''Simon''': He's like the Terminator!
:'''Theodore''': Yeah!
:''[Agent James Suggs enter the elevator]''
:'''Alvin''': Oh, no.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': This is ironic. We're gonna be going up... but I'm taking you boys down. ''[he snickers]'' Now, here's what's gonna happen... I'm gonna turn you over to Homeland Security... and they're gonna put you in a zoo prison for dangerous animals.
:'''Simon''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, no.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': And then, if you ever get out of there... I'm gonna pay someone to have you stuffed.
:'''Alvin''': Right.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': And I'm gonna give you as a gift to Anna, who will hopefully take me back.
:''[Simon and Theodore look at each other]''
:'''Alvin''': Dude, I'm sorry, but it's over.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': You don't know that.
:'''Simon''': Theo, let's go.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': I just think there's something wrong with her phone and she's not getting my texts... or the flowers, or my candy grams. ''[Simon and Theodore open the emergency hatch]'' And I, personally, don't think it's uncommon... for someone to move five times a year and change their number. ''[he laughs]'' Okay? It's normal.
:'''Alvin''': Oh, yeah. Totally normal.
:'''Simon''': Alvin!
:''[Agent James Suggs looks up]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': What? What's going on?
:'''Alvin''': And that's our cue to leave.
:''[Alvin pushes the red button, The elevator begins to shake]''
:'''Alvin''': It has been a treat.
:''[Alvin runs to his brothers]''
:'''Agent James Suggs''': No... What are you doing?
:'''Simon''': And elevator power off.
:'''Agent James Suggs''': ''[yells]'' No! No!
:''[Agent James Suggs tries to reach for the emergency hatch, But the Chipmunks closes the hatch, Agent James Suggs is now stuck in an elevator]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': The only reason we're not headed back to LA right now is because... I have to be here. As soon as the show is over, we're all going home. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in you guys than I am right now.
:'''Simon''': If Dave didn't wanna get rid of us before, he definitely does now.
:'''Alvin''': All because we only cared about if we were happy. Maybe it's a chipmunk thing, like hoarding, you know? Maybe we're emotional hoarders.
:'''Simon''': Actually, chipmunks are traditionally very caring creatures.
:'''Alvin''': Oh, nuts. Well, that means it's us.
:'''Theodore''': I'd do anything to fix this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Before we perform, my brothers and I have a few things to set things straight. Earlier this evening, we accidentally ruined a very special evening for a very special woman and we'd like to make it up to her.
:'''Theodore''': Yeah.
:''[The chipmunks turn their attention to Alice]''
:'''Alvin''': Alice? Barry has something he'd like to ask you… Again.
:'''Barry''': ''[takes out the ring from his lining pocket and kneels down before Alice]'' Will you marry me this time?
:'''Alice''': ''[as Barry puts the ring on her finger; on the verge of tears]'' Yes.
:''[Everyone cheers and applaud for them as they hug]''
:'''Barry''': Thanks, Chipmunks.
:'''Alvin''': And we just have one more quick thing to say. Dave… ''[in unison]'' We're really sorry.
:'''Simon &amp; Theodore''': ''[in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Theodore''': So we wrote this last song for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alvin''': Girls, thank you. We owe you one.
:'''Brittany''': You owe us way more than one, but, you're welcome.
:'''Jeanette''': Guys, we have to get back to auditions. Ryan's been texting me like crazy.
:'''Brittany''': Come on, girls. Let's roll.
:'''Eleanor''': Bye, Theodore-able.
:''[Eleanor giggles, she runs after Brittany and Jeanette, Simon takes off his glasses as he looks at Theodore, who shrugs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miles''': I can't believe I'm saying this, but I had fun getting in trouble with you guys.
:'''Simon''': The trip might be over, but as long as Alvin is around, we'll always get into trouble.
:'''Alvin''': Thanks, Si.
:'''Simon''': Not a compliment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dave and the chipmunks arrive home]''
:'''Alvin''': Hey, official and legal dad?
:'''Dave''': Yes, official and legal son?
:'''Alvin''': Thanks for being the best official and legal dad, Dad.
:'''Dave''': Well, you three are the best official and legal sons an official and legal father could ask for.
:'''Simon''': Aw. That's sweet of you to say, Dad.
:'''Theodore''': Yeah. 
:'''Dave''': But seriously, guys, this is the happiest day of my life. Literally nothing could ruin it for me. 
:''[They all enter the house, Dave finds out that the squirrels made a huge mess]'' 
:'''Theodore''':  Oh, boy.
:'''Simon''': ''[gasps]'' Alvin.
:'''Alvin''': Totally forgot about this. 
:''[One squirrel eats the table, another rips the curtain]''
:'''Dave''': ALVIN!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — Dave Seville
* [[w:Tony Hale|Tony Hale]] — Agent James Suggs
* [[w:Kimberly Williams-Paisley|Kimberly Williams-Paisley]] — Samantha
* Josh Green — Miles
* [[w:Bella Thorne|Bella Thorne]] — Ashley Grey
* [[w:Eddie Steeples|Eddie Steeples]] — Barry
* [[w:Retta|Retta]] — Party Planner
* [[Uzo Aduba]] — TSA Officer Jane Johnson
* [[w:Flula Borg|Flula Borg]] — Man Behind Mask
* [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — Voice of Alvin Seville
* [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — Voice of Simon Seville
* [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — Voice of Theodore Seville
* [[w:Kaley Cuoco|Kaley Cuoco]] — Voice of Eleanor Miller
* [[w:Anna Faris|Anna Faris]] — Voice of Jeanette Miller
* [[Christina Applegate]] — Voice of Brittany Miller

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|2974918|Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip}}

[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Road comedy films]]
[[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Walt Becker]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in New Orleans]]
[[Category:Films set in Miami]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Law of Peoples</title>
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'''''[[w:The Law of Peoples|The Law of Peoples]]''''' is American philosopher [[John Rawls]]'s work on [[international relations]].

== Quotes ==
=== Introduction ===
* By the &quot;Law of Peoples&quot; I mean a particular political conception of right and justice that applies to the principles and norms of international law and practice.

* This monograph on the Law of Peoples is neither a treatise nor a textbook on international law. Rather, it is a work that focuses strictly on certain questions connected with whether a realistic Utopia is possible, and the conditions under which it might obtain. I begin and end with the idea of a realistic Utopia.

* Political philosophy is realistically Utopian when it extends what are ordinarily thought of as the limits of practical political possibility. Our hope for the future of our society rests on the belief that the nature of the social world allows reasonably just constitutional democratic societies existing as members of the Society of Peoples.

* The basic idea is to follow Kant's lead as sketched by him in Perpetual Peace (1795) and his idea of ''foedus pacificum''. I interpret this idea to mean that we are to begin with the social contract idea of the liberal political conception of a constitutionally democratic regime and then extend it by introducing a second original position at the second level, so to speak, in which the representatives of liberal peoples make an agreement with other liberal peoples

*Concerning the second problem, immigration, in #4.3 I argue that an important role of government, however arbitrary a society’s boundaries may appear from a historical point of view, is to be the effective agent of a people as they take responsibility for their territory and the size of their population, as well as for maintaining the land’s environmental integrity. Unless a definite agent is given responsibility for maintaining an asset and bears the responsibility and loss for not doing so, that asset tends to deteriorate. On my account the role of the institution of property is to prevent this deterioration from occurring. In the present case, the asset is the people’s territory and its potential capacity to support them in perpetuity; and the agent is the people itself as politically organized. The perpetuity condition is crucial. People must recognize that they cannot make up for failing to regulate their numbers or to care for their land by conquest in war, or by migrating into another people’s territory without their consent.

== Quotes about ''The Law of Peoples'' ==
* ''The Law of Peoples'' extends the modelling devices of ''A Theory of Justice'' from a national to a global plane. […] Rawls argues that we should imagine an ‘original position’ for the various peoples of the earth parallel to that for individuals within a nation-state. In it, these collective actors choose the ideal conditions of justice from behind a veil of ignorance concealing their own size, resources or strength within the society of nations. The result, he argues, would be a ‘law of peoples’ comparable to the contract between citizens in a modern constitutional state. But whereas the latter is specifically a design for liberal democracies, the scope of the former extends beyond them to societies that cannot be called liberal, yet are orderly and decent, if more hierarchical. The principles of global justice that should govern democratic and decent peoples alike correspond by and large to existing rules of international law, and the Charter of the United Nations, but with two critical corollaries. On the one hand, the Law of Peoples – so deduced from an original position – authorizes military intervention to protect human rights in states that are neither decent nor liberal, but whose conduct brands them as outlaws within the society of nations. These may be attacked on the grounds of their domestic policies, even if they present no threat to the comity of democratic nations, regardless of clauses to the contrary in the UN Charter.
** [[Perry Anderson]], &quot;Arms and Rights&quot;, ''New Left Review'' (January-February 2005)

* That the United States owes its own existence to the violent dispossession of native peoples on just the grounds alleged by Rawls for refusal of any redistribution of opportunity or wealth beyond its borders today […] never seems to have occurred to him. The Founders who presided over these clearances, and those who followed, are accorded a customary reverence in his late writings. Lincoln, however, held a special position in his pantheon, as ''The Law of Peoples''– where he is hailed as an exemplar of the ‘wisdom, strength and courage’ of statesmen who, unlike Bismarck, ‘guide their people in turbulent and dangerous times’ – makes clear, and colleagues have since testified. The abolition of slavery clearly loomed large in Rawls’s admiration for him. Maryland was one of the slave states that rallied to the North at the outbreak of the Civil War, and it would still have been highly segregated in Rawls’s youth. But Lincoln, of course, did not fight the Civil War to free slaves, whose emancipation was an instrumental by-blow of the struggle. He waged it to preserve the Union, a standard nationalist objective. The cost in lives of securing the territorial integrity of the nation – 600,000 dead – was far higher than all Bismarck’s wars combined; a generation later, emancipation was achieved in Brazil with scarcely any bloodshed. Official histories, rather than philosophers, exist to furnish mystiques of those who forged the nation. Rawls’s style of patriotism sets him apart from Kant, and below him. ''The Law of Peoples'', as he explained, is not a cosmopolitan view.
** [[Perry Anderson]], &quot;Arms and Rights&quot;, ''New Left Review'' (January-February 2005)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season which ran from November 23, 2013 to May 10, 2014. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 1===
:''[During Twilight's flying lesson]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You gotta really flap 'em hard!
:''[Twilight flaps her wings so hard, she flies into a tree.]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Oop, maybe not quite ''that'' hard.
----
:'''Rarity''': Don't be so modest. It's everypony's dream to someday wear a crown and have their coronation ceremony preserved in stained glass for all to see.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I don't know if it's everypony's dream.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Most of my dreams are about frosting! ''[licks her lips, giggles]''
----
:'''Discord''': Ladies, ladies, I'm innocent. Would I lie to you?
:'''Mane Six, except Fluttershy''': '''Yes!'''
:'''Fluttershy''': Um, maybe?

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 2===
:'''Discord''': Oh, I ''do'' hope she breaks into a song this time!
----
:'''Spike''': Are we there yet?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know where we are. We're lost. I never should have left my friends.
:'''Spike''': We can't just give up. Maybe if I climb up there, I'll be able to spot them. well what do you know? Twilight?

===Castle Mane-ia===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': This is the most daring dare anypony ever dared dare another pony to dare!
:''[Rainbow Dash and Applejack are covered in bees]''
:'''Rainbow Dash and Applejack''': Huh?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': It's exciting!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Hey, you guys! Did you know I can totally play the organ? Because I didn't!

===Daring Don't===
:'''Rarity''':  I hope A.K. Yearling's alright!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh no! What if something terrible happened to her?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I know! There might be no more books! [''Twilight glares at Rainbow Dash; awkwardly''] Uhh, but, of course, I'd be worried about her, too. Heh.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle''':  We're going to need a carefully thought-out plan.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I'm coming, Daring Do!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': That's not a plan!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daring Do''': Have I mentioned yet that I work alone?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Have I mentioned yet that you're lucky I ''don't?''

===Flight to the Finish===
:'''Ms. Harshwhinny''': Professionalism, Ms. Dash. I must insist. If you want to keep your job as coach of these ponies, you must maintain a professional attitude and keep your emotions in check. Am I making myself absolutely, one hundred percent crystal clear? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Yes, Ms. Harshwhinny. Y'know, 'professionalism' is my middle name. Rainbow Professionalism Dash.
----
:'''Scootaloo''': So... what's special about Ponyville? It's... It's... I got it! It's a place where different kinds of ponies live together as friends! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Earth ponies like me! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Unicorns like me! 
:'''Scootaloo''': And Pegasi like me! 
----
:'''Scootaloo''': But we're winners! And we have hearts.. 
:'''Silver Spoon''': Sure, but you know what you don't have? 
:'''Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon''': Your cutie marks! Blank flanks, blank flanks, blank flanks!
:'''Apple Bloom''': What does that have to do with flag carryin'?
----
:''[Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spying on the Crusaders' rehearsal.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Did you see that?! I can’t believe I’m saying this, they could win!
:'''Silver Spoon:''' But how do we stop them? We already called them blank flanks!
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Then we need to find a new way to get under their skin.
:''[She notices Scootaloo's wings.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Or maybe...get under their ''wings''.

===Power Ponies===
:'''Applejack''': Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is going on?
:'''Spike''': [[w:Batman (TV series)|Holy new personas, ponies!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, where are you going?! 
:'''Fluttershy''': You seem to have everything under control. 
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, we need you! You have to power up! 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm sorry, it's just that nothing is making me mad. 
:''[A firefly buzzes by, Mane-iac whips it down]''
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, goodness! Are you okay? ''[to the Mane-iac]'' Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're evil and everything, but, you hurt a teensy, little, harmless ''firefly!?'' ''Really''?! Well, you're just a great, big, '''meanie'''! ''[voice getting deeper]'' '''There! I said it!''' What makes you think ''you're'' so special?! '''Like the rules of common courtesy don't apply to you?!''' ''[metamorphoses into a gigantic, muscular pegasus]'' '''Why don't you pick on somepony your own''' ''[shouting]'' '''SIZE'''! ''[huge roar]''

===Bats!===
:'''Rarity''': Uh, Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down, and... ''do stop being a vampire bat.''

===Rarity Takes Manehatten===
:'''Rarity''': First place?
----------------------------
:'''Applejack''': Wow! That was even better than I imagined.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[flying and looping]'' I loved it! ''[flutters down and folds arms]'' I mean, it was all right.

===Pinkie Apple Pie===
:'''Granny Smith''': Has anypony seen my travellin' bonnet?
:'''Apple Bloom''': Isn't that it on your head? ''[awkward pause]''
:'''Granny Smith''': No!
:'''Apple Bloom''': It looks an awful lot like—
:'''Granny Smith''': Well, it ain't! An' that's final!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Look at me! I'm part of the Apple family too! I'm arguing! Argue, argue, argue! Bicker, bicker! ''[laughs]''

===Rainbow Falls===
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' &quot;P&quot; Is for Rainbow Dash!
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[whispering]'' Um, &quot;Rainbow Dash&quot; actually starts with an 'R'.
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' Never mind!
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[unsurely explaining her 'injury']'' I, uh, tripped on a, uh, foam hoof, and landed on a ... ''[unintelligible mumbling]'' pokey stick coming out of the ground...
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grrrr!! If I get my hooves on that ''[mimes Rainbow Dash's unintelligible mumbling]'', it'll be in big trouble!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grr!! ''[shows a pile of pompoms]'' What am I gonna do with all these now?!
:'''Applejack''': Err, what were you gonna do with them before?
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[excited]'' Oh, I can't deny it! I love to win! But if I ever gotta choose between winning, and being loyal to my friends, I'm always gonna choose my friends. 'Cause as much as I love winning, I love them ''waaay'' more.

===Three's A Crowd===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Cadance and I can spend the whole day looking at Star Swirl the Bearded artifacts!
:'''Rarity''': Sounds like a perfect, drama-free way to spend the day with Cadance.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not counting the drama surrounding which of the bells from his cloak they've chosen to put on display! Spoiler alert: It's this one!
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Now, now, he’s learned his lesson. Isn’t that right, my little patient?
:'''Discord''': I’m so glad that you’re back from your trip, Fluttershy. Just your presence here is making me feel ''so'' much better. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Discord''': ''[to Twilight]'' I was just wondering. Could I trouble you for just one more thing?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[exasperated]'' '''NO!'''
:'''Discord''': What? I was simply going to ask...for a teeny tiny glass...of water. ''[grins deviously as the episode ends]''

===Pinkie Pride===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Parties are no picnic! 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, I like a nice picnic party. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[growls]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh! 
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''Freeze, Cheese!'' I challenge you...'''TO A GOOF-OFF!!!'''
:''[Everypony gasps]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, no! Not a Goof-Off!
:'''Applejack''': What’s a Goof-Off!?
:'''Fluttershy''': I have no idea.
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': So are you in, Cheese? Or are you... ''boneless?''
:'''[[w:&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic|Cheese Sandwich]]''': Nopony calls me &quot;boneless&quot;! ''[to his rubber chicken]'' Right, Boneless?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Then the goof-off is on for high noon! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Um, Pinkie? It's already 3 o'clock. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Oh. Oh, well then. Make it [[w:Three-Ten to Yuma|3:10 to goof-off!]]
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie''': I never did get that pony’s name. 
:'''Other five''': CHEESE SANDWICH!
:'''Pinkie''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, yeah.

===Simple Ways===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I'm glad the committee didn't automatically pick me so everypony gets a chance to see how great being me actually is! Even though the festival's basically a party and the pony of ceremonies gets to organize the whole thing. So it'd totally make sense if they did pick me.
----
:'''Applejack''': ''[in a formal tone]'' My mane needs to be perfectly coiffed at all times.
:'''Rarity''': ''[in a redneck-like tone]'' Well, ma' mane is full of dust and split ends. 
:'''Applejack''': My hooves are so polished, you can see your reflection in them. 
:'''Rarity''': Ma' hooves are cracked and dry from working in the fields! 
:'''Applejack''': I'm so fashion-forward.
:'''Rarity''': Ah' wear droopy drawers! 
:'''Applejack''': I smell like rosebuds!
:'''Rarity''': ''Ah' love bein' covered in mud!''

===Filli Vanilli===
:'''Rarity''': This simply must be rectified! You must share that stunning voice at the event.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Yeah! You'll be so amazing! You'd be there on stage, basking in the hooflights, the centre of attention! A shining star! With everypony staring at you; judging you, jealously noting how they could be ''way'' better than you! Why wasn't it them? Why wasn't it ''them''? And then, when you choke, they'll turn on you becoming a seething angry mob and you'd be horribly humiliated; '''never able to show your face in Ponyville''' '''''again!'''''
:'''Rarity''': Pinkie Pie! Don't be ridiculous! 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Aw, but I'm so good at it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': I have... stage fright.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[gasps]'' Is it contagious?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Stage fright isn't a disease, Pinkie.
----
:'''Applejack''': Big Mac, you've got some 'splainin' to do! Turkey call?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Trash your voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Zecora remedy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Not quick enough?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Nope.
:'''Applejack''': Needed a deep voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Poison joke?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Flutterguy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Better now?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': And that shy filly was livin' her dream in the shadows because she couldn't bring herself to come into the spotlight?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.

===Twilight Time===
:'''Sweetie Belle''': I just hope no one sees us!
:'''Apple Bloom''': 'Cause we're tryin' to keep Twilight Time a secret now?
:'''Scootaloo''': Or because we look ridiculous?
:'''Sweetie Belle''': A little of both actually.

===It Ain't Easy Being Breezies===
:'''Fluttershy''': But these cheers should be quiet cheers. We don't want to startle them. They need to be able to concentrate. Why don't we try it? You can do it, Breezies!
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''YOU CAN DO IT, BREEZIES!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, my.
:'''Applejack''': Heh, sorry, Fluttershy. I had no idea how hard it was to do a cheer quietly.
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, it's okay. Quiet doesn't come naturally for everypony. Let's try it again.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;You can do it, Breezies!!!&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Perhaps just a little bit quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' You can do it, Breezies.
:'''Fluttershy''': Just a little quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;small&gt;You can do it, Breezies.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': '''PERFECT!!!''' I mean... yay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Seabreeze''': [tirade of indignation] 
:'''Applejack''': Uh... what did he say? 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'd... rather not say. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm working on a bee-type dance and was hoping you could help me? Does this bring to mind any images for you? Perhaps a bee?  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Rainbow Dash''': So, uh, I've always kinda wondered what it would be like to be a griffon. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not a chance. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You sure? What about a dragon? No? It doesn't have to shoot fire!

===Somepony To Watch Over Me===
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': Where are the pies!? 
:'''Chimera's snake tail''': They're not back here. 
:'''Chimera's goat head''': This is all your fault. You think you always got to be in charge! 
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': [groans] You're lucky, you know? You've got no idea what it's like to have a sister constantly looking over your shoulder! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Uh, actually...

===Maud Pie===
:''[A spider crawls on a rock in front of Maud]''
:'''Fluttershy''': These spiders only live in Ponyville, and even though they may look a teeny bit scary, they're actually very sweet and help keep other, more dangerous insects away! 
:''[The spider looks menacing at first, then becomes friendly and shows them a flower]''
:'''Maud Pie''': I was looking at the rock. 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh.
----
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[to Twilight Sparkle]'' I prefer to read my own poetry. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oooh, I'd love to hear some of it.
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[clears throat]'' &quot;Rock, you are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock.&quot; I've written thousands.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': She's so prolific!
:'''Maud Pie''': This next one is about rocks. They're ''all'' about rocks. &quot;Rocks, these are my rocks. Sediments make me sentimental. Smooth and round, asleep in the ground. Shades of brown, and grey...&quot;
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': That pony is [[Winston_Churchill#The_Second_World_War_.281939.E2.80.931945.29|a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an igneous.]]
:'''Rarity''': Don't you mean &quot;inside an enigma&quot;?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': No. I mean &quot;igneous&quot;. It's a kind of rock. Ask me how I know that.
----
:'''Maud Pie:''' I don't love rock candy... ''[smiles]'' ...but I do love Pinkie Pie.

===For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're goin' to see Sapphire Shores! I'm such a huge fan! I know all her songs! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Get Your Pony On'! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Ooh, that's one of my favorites! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': This isn't a trip to see Sapphire Shores! It's a trip to save my sister from a horrible future! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Serves Her Right'! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': [gasps] How can you say that? Rarity doesn't deserve that at all! 
:'''Scootaloo''': No, 'Serves Her Right' is another one of Sapphire Shores' songs! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': You seriously didn't know that? Don't you listen to her music?! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': ...I prefer showtunes. 
:'''Scootaloo''': Ugh.

===Leap Of Faith===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Hey, Granny! Think you can buck me over the water? 
:'''Granny Smith''': I don't see why not! Come on, Big Mac, toss her this way! 
:'''Applejack''': Granny, wait! 
:'''Granny Smith''': Woo-hoo-hoo! 
:'''Apple Bloom and Granny Smith''': [laughing]
----
:'''Applejack''': Believing in something can help you do amazing things. But if that belief is based on a lie, eventually, it's gonna lead to real trouble.
----
:'''Applejack''': It's time for you to tell the truth! You never needed crutches at all, did ya?
:'''Silver Shill''': I, uh... (he pulls a lever which makes a whistle to blow steam)
:'''Applejack''': Hey! (she and Apple Bloom brace themselves from the steam as they are covered by it)fxzr6vkhiz

===Testing Testing 1, 2, 3===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Hm, by highlighting everything you don't really separate the wheat from the chaff... Or the good from the bad. Hey, I am not that tall! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [giggles] 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Yes, Rainbow? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Is it snack time? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Recess? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [sighs] Can't we just watch the history of the Wonderbolts movie?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:''[Twilight begins her lecture on the Wonderbolt's history. Throughout this, Rainbow rocks her stool back and forth, making a rhythem while Owlowiscious and Spike join in.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Prior to the Great Celestia/Luna Rift, there was no need for the Earth-Unicorn-Pegasi, or EUP, Guard. But after Luna’s banishment, the Protective Pony Platoons were formed. On the anniversary of the first Celestial Year of Peace, a celebration was held, Headed by General Firefly, an elite team of aerial performers were chosen to commemorate this auspicious occasion. The first performance was so full of energy, so highly charged, that magical lightning showered down on the crowd. Everypony was so filled with amazement and wonder, that General Firefly dubbed them: The Wonderbolts.
:''[She finally notices Rainbow goofing off; Owlowiscious and Spike stop what they're doing and leave the scene.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash! Can you repeat any of my lesson?!
:''[Rainbow rocks her stool one last time.]''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The initials EUP stand for what? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Ernie's Undercooked Pancakes. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The original aerial team performed for...? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Celestia's cereal celebration. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The Wonderbolts were given their name by this famous Pegasus. Who is she? [to herself] Please don't say Colonel Waffle... 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Hello? General Blazing Donut Glaze! So, did I ace it or what? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Or what. You didn't get one answer correct. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': What? But- but how? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know. I've never heard answers so wrong! And so breakfast-related! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[stomach growls]''

===Trade Ya===
:''[Twilight is about to trade all her books for the broken quill a filly has''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': STOP!! What are you doing? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I was trying to get rid of all the books I don’t need anymore.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': For that? Do you reeeeeeeally want that? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well, not really, but…I’m running out of library space, so—
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!! I can’t believe that almost happened! But luckily it didn’t happen, thanks to me. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[showing a scroll]'' According to the rules of the Exchange, a trade is only fair if both ponies end up with something they want. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''You can’t break the rules!!'' Did anypony see you do it? I don’t think anypony saw. But ''you'' are not gonna say anything, are you?! ''[giggles]'' Just kidding! ''[mischievously]'' Or am I?! Sometimes I can’t even tell.
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': OK! We get it! You're both great friends.
----
:'''Applejack''': And I know you'll love cause you already got a billion just like sitting in a drawer doing nothin'!

===Inspiration Manifestation===
'''Rarity''': But, wait... I don't seem to need it anymore, do I? Yes. Yes! I can feel its magic flowing within me now! I'm so excited! I'm ''so excited''!

'''Spike''': [[w:Saved by the Bell|I'm so scared...]]

===Equestria Games===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Equestria, We have a problem.]]
----
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' This just got ''real''.
:’’’Greyson: not today equestria will be threatened not this time. [Gun caulking]

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 1===
:'''Lord Tirek''': &quot;Is he friend, or is he foe?&quot; the pony wonders. I can assure you... I am no friend. I am [[w:Rescue at Midnight Castle|Tirek]], and I will take what should have been mine long ago. 
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well it's just, Princess Luna raises the moon, Princess Celestia raises the sun, you protect the Crystal Empire (''Cadance''), and all I seem to do is smile and wave.
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I think I found something! I've been reading our journal, and there's something interesting about the sections Discord bookmarked. Applejack, do you remember when you had to tell everypony that the tonic Granny bought from the Flim Flam brothers didn't really work?
:'''Applejack''': How could I forget? It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. 
:''[Flashback to &quot;Leap of Faith&quot; where Applejack reveals the tonic was fake]''
:'''Applejack''': And in that moment, I knew I had to be honest, I just knew it. But what's that got to do with openin' the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I've found that each of you has had to face a situation where living up to the Element of Harmony you represent wasn't easy. Fluttershy, it was when you realized that the way to show kindness to the Breezies was by forcing them to leave their home. 
:'''Fluttershy''' Oh, the looks on their poor little faces! But I knew that was difficult as it was, pushing them away was the kindest thing I could do! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rarity, even after Suri took advantage of your generosity at Fashion Week in Manehattan, you didn't let it cause you to abandon your generous spirit. 
:'''Rarity''': I simply couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't do something special for the friends who have always been so generous to me! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash, you had the chance to fly with the Wonderbolts at the Equestria Games, But instead you chose to compete with your friends. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Sure, but being loyal to my friends was way --
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ooh! My turn, my turn! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Pinkie Pie, you realized that seeing your friend laugh was more important than proving you were a better party planner than Cheese Sandwich. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Best party I've ever had! 
:'''Rarity:''' It's clear we've all had our moments to shine, Twilight. But I'm with Applejack; what does any of this have to do with the opening of the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': All of you had tough choices to make, but when you made the right one and embraced your element, it helped somepony else make the right choice too. Each of you recieved something from the pony whose life you helped change. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe there's something special about those objects that could lead us to the location of the keys. The chest is connected to the Tree of Harmony. The Tree is connected to the Elements. And the Elements are connected to all of us! There must be a connection! I hate to admit it, but maybe Discord was trying to be a good friend after all.

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 2===
:'''Lord Tirek''': Give my regards to Cerberus. 
:'''Discord''': You meant our will, didn't you? 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Of course. Here, I want you to have something. This was given to me by someone very close to me. I give it to you as a sign of my gratitude and loyalty. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, my! I do love a good accessory. I suppose that's Rarity's influence.
:''[There's a stained glass window of Tirek holding a sword and Discord riding on his back holding a sandwich which is being sliced by Tirek's sword]''
:'''Lord Tirek''': ''[laughs]'' Amusing. But we have no time for such things. With the princesses out of the way, we can now– ''[sees a stained glass illustration of Twilight Sparkle]'' Is this meant to be '''HUMOROUS?!'''
:'''Discord''': Oh, no, I haven't touched that one yet. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': There's a fourth? And you did not tell me this?! 
:'''Discord''': I just needed some assurance that you truly considered this a team effort. And now I have it. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Then where can we find this fourth princess? Where is her castle? 
:'''Discord''': Castle? ''[laughs]'' No, Princess Twilight lives above a library in Ponyville. Castle? ''[laughs]'' 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Not for much longer.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': You've gathered up all of them? 
:'''Discord''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And her little dragon, too.]] 
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, we were. But Tirek offered me so much more than just tea parties. Surely, you saw this coming.
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[crying]'' I didn't. I really didn't.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''''Princess Twilight!'''''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[gasps]'' Tirek! 
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''You have something that belongs to me!'''
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': How it this possible?! ''You have no magic!''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You're wrong, Tirek! I may have given you my Alicorn magic, but I carry within me the most ''powerful'' magic of all!
----
:'''Princess Celestia''': You've been wondering what you are meant to do as a princess. Do you know now? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': As princess, I believe I have the power to spread the magic of friendship across Equestria. That is the role I am meant to have in our world! The role I ''choose'' to have! But I didn't defeat Tirek on my own, it took all of us to unlock the chest. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': Then it is unlikely you are meant to take on this task alone. ''[opens door, showing thrones for the mane 6 and Spike]''
:'''Mane 6/Spike''': ''[gasps]'' Wowwee! Wow...
:'''Princess Celestia''': You are now '''Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.'''
:''[Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike test their thrones]''
:'''Princess Celestia''': But what is the Princess of Friendship without her friends? 
----
:'''Discord''': Wait a minute, where's ''my'' throne?!
:'''Fluttershy''': I don't think you're quite there, yet.
:'''Discord''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Yes, well, I suppose not. 
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[singing, last line of season 4]'' Let the rainbow remind you that together we will always shine.

==Cast==
*Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle, Pegasus 1
*Ashleigh Ball as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Girl Pony, Prim Hemline, Pony in Line, Pony 2, Food Pony 1, Twirly, Random Breezie, Pony 1, Pegasus 2, Crystal Chalice Stand Pony, Crystal Pony 3
*Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy/Flutterbat, Pedestrian 2, Hinny of the Hills, Fleetfoot, Classmate Pony 3, Seedling, Windfall, Five Year Old Pony, Girl Pony 1, Pegasus 3, Pony in Crowd
*Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity, Princess Luna, Boy Pony, Construction Pony, Suri Polomare, Registration Pony, Pony 3, Cloudsdale Cheer Ponies, Pony, Mrs. Cake, Banner Vendor, Granny Smith, Zipporwhill, Audience Pony 1, Pony 2, Pegasus 4, Photo Finish
*Cathy Weseluck as Spike, Coco Pommel, Mayor, Torch Song, Classmate Pony 2, Breezette, Flitter, Pony in Arena, Crystal Servant Pony, Crystal Pony 2
*Madeleine Peters as Scootaloo, Little Pony 2
*Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom, Small Pony
*Chantal Strand as Diamond Tiara
*Shannon Chan-Kent as Silver Spoon, Girl Pony, Singing Pinkie Pie
*Ellen Kennedy as Mane-iac, the Chimera
*Doron Bell as Trenderhoof
*Graham Verchere as Pip Squeak
*Britt McKillip as Princess Cadance
*John de Lancie as Discord
*Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia, Miss Cheerilee
*Brenda Crichlow as Zecora
*Andrew Francis as Royal Guard, Royal Guard #3, Train Conductor, Train Conductor, Shining Armor, Crystal Pony 1
*Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle, Little Pony 1
*Peter New as Big Mac, Royal Guard #2, Messenger Pony, Goldie Delicious, Animal, Pegasus Dad, Cajun Swamp Pony, Reporter Pony, Crystal Security Guard, Ice Archer
*Brian Drummond as Ahuizotl, Cabbie, Pedestrian 2, Mr. Cake, Art Suply Vendor, Other Vendor, Seabreeze, Band Pony, Security Guard, Audience Pony 2
*Chiara Zanni as Daring Do/A.K. Yearling
*Michael Dobson as Dr. Caballeron, Bulk Biceps, Pony 1
*Veena Sood as Ms. Harshwhinny, Crystal Pony in Crowd
*Lee Tocker as Snips
*Richard Ian Cox as Snails
*Ingrid Nilson as Maud Pie
*Sam Vincent as Flim
*Scott McNeil as Flam
*Ian James Corlett as Silver Shill
*Sylvain Lavasseur Portelance as Stellar Eclipse
*Saffron Henderson as Daring Do Collector, Pony 2
*James Higuchi as Comic Geek Pony, Pony 1
*Michael Daingerfield as Antique Chicken Stand Pony, Ancient Beast Dealer
*Trevor Devall as Bellhop, Pedestrian 1, Thunderlane, Vendor, Food Pony 2
*Kelly Metger as Spitfire, Blossomforth
*Jay Brazeau as Claude
*Matt Hill as Soarin'
*Alvin Sanders as Flutterguy
*Danny Balkwill as Toe-Tapper
*&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic as Cheese Sandwich
*Rena Anawke as Sapphire Shores, Girl Pony 2
*Mark Acheson as Lord Tirek
*Vincent Tong as Flash Sentry, Dignitary
*Kazumi Evans as Singing Rarity, Singing Luna
*Marcus Mosley as Singing Flutterguy
*Jerrica Santos as Singing Torch Song
*Rebecca Shoichet as Singing Twilight Sparkle

==External links==
[[Category:My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season which ran from November 23, 2013 to May 10, 2014. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 1===
:''[During Twilight's flying lesson]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You gotta really flap 'em hard!
:''[Twilight flaps her wings so hard, she flies into a tree.]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Oop, maybe not quite ''that'' hard.
----
:'''Rarity''': Don't be so modest. It's everypony's dream to someday wear a crown and have their coronation ceremony preserved in stained glass for all to see.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I don't know if it's everypony's dream.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Most of my dreams are about frosting! ''[licks her lips, giggles]''
----
:'''Discord''': Ladies, ladies, I'm innocent. Would I lie to you?
:'''Mane Six, except Fluttershy''': '''Yes!'''
:'''Fluttershy''': Um, maybe?

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 2===
:'''Discord''': Oh, I ''do'' hope she breaks into a song this time!
----
:'''Spike''': Are we there yet?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know where we are. We're lost. I never should have left my friends.
:'''Spike''': We can't just give up. Maybe if I climb up there, I'll be able to spot them. well what do you know? Twilight?

===Castle Mane-ia===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': This is the most daring dare anypony ever dared dare another pony to dare!
:''[Rainbow Dash and Applejack are covered in bees]''
:'''Rainbow Dash and Applejack''': Huh?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': It's exciting!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Hey, you guys! Did you know I can totally play the organ? Because I didn't!

===Daring Don't===
:'''Rarity''':  I hope A.K. Yearling's alright!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh no! What if something terrible happened to her?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I know! There might be no more books! [''Twilight glares at Rainbow Dash; awkwardly''] Uhh, but, of course, I'd be worried about her, too. Heh.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle''':  We're going to need a carefully thought-out plan.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I'm coming, Daring Do!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': That's not a plan!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daring Do''': Have I mentioned yet that I work alone?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Have I mentioned yet that you're lucky I ''don't?''

===Flight to the Finish===
:'''Ms. Harshwhinny''': Professionalism, Ms. Dash. I must insist. If you want to keep your job as coach of these ponies, you must maintain a professional attitude and keep your emotions in check. Am I making myself absolutely, one hundred percent crystal clear? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Yes, Ms. Harshwhinny. Y'know, 'professionalism' is my middle name. Rainbow Professionalism Dash.
----
:'''Scootaloo''': So... what's special about Ponyville? It's... It's... I got it! It's a place where different kinds of ponies live together as friends! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Earth ponies like me! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Unicorns like me! 
:'''Scootaloo''': And Pegasi like me! 
----
:'''Scootaloo''': But we're winners! And we have hearts.. 
:'''Silver Spoon''': Sure, but you know what you don't have? 
:'''Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon''': Your cutie marks! Blank flanks, blank flanks, blank flanks!
:'''Apple Bloom''': What does that have to do with flag carryin'?
----
:''[Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spying on the Crusaders' rehearsal.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Did you see that?! I can’t believe I’m saying this, they could win!
:'''Silver Spoon:''' But how do we stop them? We already called them blank flanks!
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Then we need to find a new way to get under their skin.
:''[She notices Scootaloo's wings.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Or maybe...get under their ''wings''.

===Power Ponies===
:'''Applejack''': Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is going on?
:'''Spike''': [[w:Batman (TV series)|Holy new personas, ponies!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, where are you going?! 
:'''Fluttershy''': You seem to have everything under control. 
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, we need you! You have to power up! 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm sorry, it's just that nothing is making me mad. 
:''[A firefly buzzes by, Mane-iac whips it down]''
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, goodness! Are you okay? ''[to the Mane-iac]'' Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're evil and everything, but, you hurt a teensy, little, harmless ''firefly!?'' ''Really''?! Well, you're just a great, big, '''meanie'''! ''[voice getting deeper]'' '''There! I said it!''' What makes you think ''you're'' so special?! '''Like the rules of common courtesy don't apply to you?!''' ''[metamorphoses into a gigantic, muscular pegasus]'' '''Why don't you pick on somepony your own''' ''[shouting]'' '''SIZE'''! ''[huge roar]''

===Bats!===
:'''Rarity''': Uh, Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down, and... ''do stop being a vampire bat.''

===Rarity Takes Manehatten===
:'''Rarity''': First place?
----------------------------
:'''Applejack''': Wow! That was even better than I imagined.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[flying and looping]'' I loved it! ''[flutters down and folds arms]'' I mean, it was all right.

===Pinkie Apple Pie===
:'''Granny Smith''': Has anypony seen my travellin' bonnet?
:'''Apple Bloom''': Isn't that it on your head? ''[awkward pause]''
:'''Granny Smith''': No!
:'''Apple Bloom''': It looks an awful lot like—
:'''Granny Smith''': Well, it ain't! An' that's final!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Look at me! I'm part of the Apple family too! I'm arguing! Argue, argue, argue! Bicker, bicker! ''[laughs]''

===Rainbow Falls===
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' &quot;P&quot; Is for Rainbow Dash!
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[whispering]'' Um, &quot;Rainbow Dash&quot; actually starts with an 'R'.
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' Never mind!
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[unsurely explaining her 'injury']'' I, uh, tripped on a, uh, foam hoof, and landed on a ... ''[unintelligible mumbling]'' pokey stick coming out of the ground...
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grrrr!! If I get my hooves on that ''[mimes Rainbow Dash's unintelligible mumbling]'', it'll be in big trouble!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grr!! ''[shows a pile of pompoms]'' What am I gonna do with all these now?!
:'''Applejack''': Err, what were you gonna do with them before?
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[excited]'' Oh, I can't deny it! I love to win! But if I ever gotta choose between winning, and being loyal to my friends, I'm always gonna choose my friends. 'Cause as much as I love winning, I love them ''waaay'' more.

===Three's A Crowd===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Cadance and I can spend the whole day looking at Star Swirl the Bearded artifacts!
:'''Rarity''': Sounds like a perfect, drama-free way to spend the day with Cadance.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not counting the drama surrounding which of the bells from his cloak they've chosen to put on display! Spoiler alert: It's this one!
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Now, now, he’s learned his lesson. Isn’t that right, my little patient?
:'''Discord''': I’m so glad that you’re back from your trip, Fluttershy. Just your presence here is making me feel ''so'' much better. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Discord''': ''[to Twilight]'' I was just wondering. Could I trouble you for just one more thing?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[exasperated]'' '''NO!'''
:'''Discord''': What? I was simply going to ask...for a teeny tiny glass...of water. ''[grins deviously as the episode ends]''

===Pinkie Pride===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Parties are no picnic! 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, I like a nice picnic party. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[growls]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh! 
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''Freeze, Cheese!'' I challenge you...'''TO A GOOF-OFF!!!'''
:''[Everypony gasps]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, no! Not a Goof-Off!
:'''Applejack''': What’s a Goof-Off!?
:'''Fluttershy''': I have no idea.
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': So are you in, Cheese? Or are you... ''boneless?''
:'''[[w:&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic|Cheese Sandwich]]''': Nopony calls me &quot;boneless&quot;! ''[to his rubber chicken]'' Right, Boneless?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Then the goof-off is on for high noon! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Um, Pinkie? It's already 3 o'clock. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Oh. Oh, well then. Make it [[w:Three-Ten to Yuma|3:10 to goof-off!]]
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie''': I never did get that pony’s name. 
:'''Other five''': CHEESE SANDWICH!
:'''Pinkie''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, yeah.

===Simple Ways===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I'm glad the committee didn't automatically pick me so everypony gets a chance to see how great being me actually is! Even though the festival's basically a party and the pony of ceremonies gets to organize the whole thing. So it'd totally make sense if they did pick me.
----
:'''Applejack''': ''[in a formal tone]'' My mane needs to be perfectly coiffed at all times.
:'''Rarity''': ''[in a redneck-like tone]'' Well, ma' mane is full of dust and split ends. 
:'''Applejack''': My hooves are so polished, you can see your reflection in them. 
:'''Rarity''': Ma' hooves are cracked and dry from working in the fields! 
:'''Applejack''': I'm so fashion-forward.
:'''Rarity''': Ah' wear droopy drawers! 
:'''Applejack''': I smell like rosebuds!
:'''Rarity''': ''Ah' love bein' covered in mud!''

===Filli Vanilli===
:'''Rarity''': This simply must be rectified! You must share that stunning voice at the event.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Yeah! You'll be so amazing! You'd be there on stage, basking in the hooflights, the centre of attention! A shining star! With everypony staring at you; judging you, jealously noting how they could be ''way'' better than you! Why wasn't it them? Why wasn't it ''them''? And then, when you choke, they'll turn on you becoming a seething angry mob and you'd be horribly humiliated; '''never able to show your face in Ponyville''' '''''again!'''''
:'''Rarity''': Pinkie Pie! Don't be ridiculous! 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Aw, but I'm so good at it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': I have... stage fright.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[gasps]'' Is it contagious?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Stage fright isn't a disease, Pinkie.
----
:'''Applejack''': Big Mac, you've got some 'splainin' to do! Turkey call?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Trash your voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Zecora remedy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Not quick enough?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Nope.
:'''Applejack''': Needed a deep voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Poison joke?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Flutterguy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Better now?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': And that shy filly was livin' her dream in the shadows because she couldn't bring herself to come into the spotlight?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.

===Twilight Time===
:'''Sweetie Belle''': I just hope no one sees us!
:'''Apple Bloom''': 'Cause we're tryin' to keep Twilight Time a secret now?
:'''Scootaloo''': Or because we look ridiculous?
:'''Sweetie Belle''': A little of both actually.

===It Ain't Easy Being Breezies===
:'''Fluttershy''': But these cheers should be quiet cheers. We don't want to startle them. They need to be able to concentrate. Why don't we try it? You can do it, Breezies!
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''YOU CAN DO IT, BREEZIES!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, my.
:'''Applejack''': Heh, sorry, Fluttershy. I had no idea how hard it was to do a cheer quietly.
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, it's okay. Quiet doesn't come naturally for everypony. Let's try it again.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;You can do it, Breezies!!!&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Perhaps just a little bit quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' You can do it, Breezies.
:'''Fluttershy''': Just a little quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;small&gt;You can do it, Breezies.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': '''PERFECT!!!''' I mean... yay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Seabreeze''': [tirade of indignation] 
:'''Applejack''': Uh... what did he say? 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'd... rather not say. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm working on a bee-type dance and was hoping you could help me? Does this bring to mind any images for you? Perhaps a bee?  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Rainbow Dash''': So, uh, I've always kinda wondered what it would be like to be a griffon. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not a chance. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You sure? What about a dragon? No? It doesn't have to shoot fire!

===Somepony To Watch Over Me===
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': Where are the pies!? 
:'''Chimera's snake tail''': They're not back here. 
:'''Chimera's goat head''': This is all your fault. You think you always got to be in charge! 
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': [groans] You're lucky, you know? You've got no idea what it's like to have a sister constantly looking over your shoulder! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Uh, actually...

===Maud Pie===
:''[A spider crawls on a rock in front of Maud]''
:'''Fluttershy''': These spiders only live in Ponyville, and even though they may look a teeny bit scary, they're actually very sweet and help keep other, more dangerous insects away! 
:''[The spider looks menacing at first, then becomes friendly and shows them a flower]''
:'''Maud Pie''': I was looking at the rock. 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh.
----
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[to Twilight Sparkle]'' I prefer to read my own poetry. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oooh, I'd love to hear some of it.
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[clears throat]'' &quot;Rock, you are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock.&quot; I've written thousands.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': She's so prolific!
:'''Maud Pie''': This next one is about rocks. They're ''all'' about rocks. &quot;Rocks, these are my rocks. Sediments make me sentimental. Smooth and round, asleep in the ground. Shades of brown, and grey...&quot;
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': That pony is [[Winston_Churchill#The_Second_World_War_.281939.E2.80.931945.29|a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an igneous.]]
:'''Rarity''': Don't you mean &quot;inside an enigma&quot;?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': No. I mean &quot;igneous&quot;. It's a kind of rock. Ask me how I know that.
----
:'''Maud Pie:''' I don't love rock candy... ''[smiles]'' ...but I do love Pinkie Pie.

===For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're goin' to see Sapphire Shores! I'm such a huge fan! I know all her songs! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Get Your Pony On'! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Ooh, that's one of my favorites! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': This isn't a trip to see Sapphire Shores! It's a trip to save my sister from a horrible future! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Serves Her Right'! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': [gasps] How can you say that? Rarity doesn't deserve that at all! 
:'''Scootaloo''': No, 'Serves Her Right' is another one of Sapphire Shores' songs! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': You seriously didn't know that? Don't you listen to her music?! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': ...I prefer showtunes. 
:'''Scootaloo''': Ugh.

===Leap Of Faith===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Hey, Granny! Think you can buck me over the water? 
:'''Granny Smith''': I don't see why not! Come on, Big Mac, toss her this way! 
:'''Applejack''': Granny, wait! 
:'''Granny Smith''': Woo-hoo-hoo! 
:'''Apple Bloom and Granny Smith''': [laughing]
----
:'''Applejack''': Believing in something can help you do amazing things. But if that belief is based on a lie, eventually, it's gonna lead to real trouble.
----
:'''Applejack''': It's time for you to tell the truth! You never needed crutches at all, did ya?
:'''Silver Shill''': I, uh... (he pulls a lever which makes a whistle to blow steam)
:'''Applejack''': Hey! (she and Apple Bloom brace themselves from the steam as they are covered by it)fxzr6vkhiz

===Testing Testing 1, 2, 3===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Hm, by highlighting everything you don't really separate the wheat from the chaff... Or the good from the bad. Hey, I am not that tall! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [giggles] 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Yes, Rainbow? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Is it snack time? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Recess? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [sighs] Can't we just watch the history of the Wonderbolts movie?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:''[Twilight begins her lecture on the Wonderbolt's history. Throughout this, Rainbow rocks her stool back and forth, making a rhythem while Owlowiscious and Spike join in.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Prior to the Great Celestia/Luna Rift, there was no need for the Earth-Unicorn-Pegasi, or EUP, Guard. But after Luna’s banishment, the Protective Pony Platoons were formed. On the anniversary of the first Celestial Year of Peace, a celebration was held, Headed by General Firefly, an elite team of aerial performers were chosen to commemorate this auspicious occasion. The first performance was so full of energy, so highly charged, that magical lightning showered down on the crowd. Everypony was so filled with amazement and wonder, that General Firefly dubbed them: The Wonderbolts.
:''[She finally notices Rainbow goofing off; Owlowiscious and Spike stop what they're doing and leave the scene.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash! Can you repeat any of my lesson?!
:''[Rainbow rocks her stool one last time.]''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The initials EUP stand for what? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Ernie's Undercooked Pancakes. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The original aerial team performed for...? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Celestia's cereal celebration. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The Wonderbolts were given their name by this famous Pegasus. Who is she? [to herself] Please don't say Colonel Waffle... 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Hello? General Blazing Donut Glaze! So, did I ace it or what? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Or what. You didn't get one answer correct. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': What? But- but how? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know. I've never heard answers so wrong! And so breakfast-related! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[stomach growls]''

===Trade Ya===
:''[Twilight is about to trade all her books for the broken quill a filly has''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': STOP!! What are you doing? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I was trying to get rid of all the books I don’t need anymore.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': For that? Do you reeeeeeeally want that? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well, not really, but…I’m running out of library space, so—
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!! I can’t believe that almost happened! But luckily it didn’t happen, thanks to me. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[showing a scroll]'' According to the rules of the Exchange, a trade is only fair if both ponies end up with something they want. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''You can’t break the rules!!'' Did anypony see you do it? I don’t think anypony saw. But ''you'' are not gonna say anything, are you?! ''[giggles]'' Just kidding! ''[mischievously]'' Or am I?! Sometimes I can’t even tell.
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': OK! We get it! You're both great friends.
----
:'''Applejack''': And I know you'll love cause you already got a billion just like sitting in a drawer doing nothin'!

===Inspiration Manifestation===
'''Rarity''': But, wait... I don't seem to need it anymore, do I? Yes. Yes! I can feel its magic flowing within me now! I'm so excited! I'm ''so excited''!

'''Spike''': [[w:Saved by the Bell|I'm so scared...]]

===Equestria Games===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Equestria, We have a problem.]]
----
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' This just got ''real''.
:’’’Greyson: not today equestria will be threatened not this time. [Gun caulking]

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 1===
:'''Lord Tirek''': &quot;Is he friend, or is he foe?&quot; the pony wonders. I can assure you... I am no friend. I am [[w:Rescue at Midnight Castle|Tirek]], and I will take what should have been mine long ago. 
:’’Greyson: I am not your friend or foe  horse man but I am your rival thrashing through your veins and power.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well it's just, Princess Luna raises the moon, Princess Celestia raises the sun, you protect the Crystal Empire (''Cadance''), and all I seem to do is smile and wave.
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I think I found something! I've been reading our journal, and there's something interesting about the sections Discord bookmarked. Applejack, do you remember when you had to tell everypony that the tonic Granny bought from the Flim Flam brothers didn't really work?
:'''Applejack''': How could I forget? It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. 
:''[Flashback to &quot;Leap of Faith&quot; where Applejack reveals the tonic was fake]''
:'''Applejack''': And in that moment, I knew I had to be honest, I just knew it. But what's that got to do with openin' the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I've found that each of you has had to face a situation where living up to the Element of Harmony you represent wasn't easy. Fluttershy, it was when you realized that the way to show kindness to the Breezies was by forcing them to leave their home. 
:'''Fluttershy''' Oh, the looks on their poor little faces! But I knew that was difficult as it was, pushing them away was the kindest thing I could do! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rarity, even after Suri took advantage of your generosity at Fashion Week in Manehattan, you didn't let it cause you to abandon your generous spirit. 
:'''Rarity''': I simply couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't do something special for the friends who have always been so generous to me! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash, you had the chance to fly with the Wonderbolts at the Equestria Games, But instead you chose to compete with your friends. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Sure, but being loyal to my friends was way --
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ooh! My turn, my turn! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Pinkie Pie, you realized that seeing your friend laugh was more important than proving you were a better party planner than Cheese Sandwich. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Best party I've ever had! 
:'''Rarity:''' It's clear we've all had our moments to shine, Twilight. But I'm with Applejack; what does any of this have to do with the opening of the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': All of you had tough choices to make, but when you made the right one and embraced your element, it helped somepony else make the right choice too. Each of you recieved something from the pony whose life you helped change. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe there's something special about those objects that could lead us to the location of the keys. The chest is connected to the Tree of Harmony. The Tree is connected to the Elements. And the Elements are connected to all of us! There must be a connection! I hate to admit it, but maybe Discord was trying to be a good friend after all.

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 2===
:'''Lord Tirek''': Give my regards to Cerberus. 
:'''Discord''': You meant our will, didn't you? 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Of course. Here, I want you to have something. This was given to me by someone very close to me. I give it to you as a sign of my gratitude and loyalty. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, my! I do love a good accessory. I suppose that's Rarity's influence.
:''[There's a stained glass window of Tirek holding a sword and Discord riding on his back holding a sandwich which is being sliced by Tirek's sword]''
:'''Lord Tirek''': ''[laughs]'' Amusing. But we have no time for such things. With the princesses out of the way, we can now– ''[sees a stained glass illustration of Twilight Sparkle]'' Is this meant to be '''HUMOROUS?!'''
:'''Discord''': Oh, no, I haven't touched that one yet. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': There's a fourth? And you did not tell me this?! 
:'''Discord''': I just needed some assurance that you truly considered this a team effort. And now I have it. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Then where can we find this fourth princess? Where is her castle? 
:'''Discord''': Castle? ''[laughs]'' No, Princess Twilight lives above a library in Ponyville. Castle? ''[laughs]'' 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Not for much longer.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': You've gathered up all of them? 
:'''Discord''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And her little dragon, too.]] 
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, we were. But Tirek offered me so much more than just tea parties. Surely, you saw this coming.
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[crying]'' I didn't. I really didn't.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''''Princess Twilight!'''''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[gasps]'' Tirek! 
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''You have something that belongs to me!'''
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': How it this possible?! ''You have no magic!''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You're wrong, Tirek! I may have given you my Alicorn magic, but I carry within me the most ''powerful'' magic of all!
----
:'''Princess Celestia''': You've been wondering what you are meant to do as a princess. Do you know now? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': As princess, I believe I have the power to spread the magic of friendship across Equestria. That is the role I am meant to have in our world! The role I ''choose'' to have! But I didn't defeat Tirek on my own, it took all of us to unlock the chest. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': Then it is unlikely you are meant to take on this task alone. ''[opens door, showing thrones for the mane 6 and Spike]''
:'''Mane 6/Spike''': ''[gasps]'' Wowwee! Wow...
:'''Princess Celestia''': You are now '''Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.'''
:''[Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike test their thrones]''
:'''Princess Celestia''': But what is the Princess of Friendship without her friends? 
----
:'''Discord''': Wait a minute, where's ''my'' throne?!
:'''Fluttershy''': I don't think you're quite there, yet.
:'''Discord''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Yes, well, I suppose not. 
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[singing, last line of season 4]'' Let the rainbow remind you that together we will always shine.

==Cast==
*Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle, Pegasus 1
*Ashleigh Ball as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Girl Pony, Prim Hemline, Pony in Line, Pony 2, Food Pony 1, Twirly, Random Breezie, Pony 1, Pegasus 2, Crystal Chalice Stand Pony, Crystal Pony 3
*Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy/Flutterbat, Pedestrian 2, Hinny of the Hills, Fleetfoot, Classmate Pony 3, Seedling, Windfall, Five Year Old Pony, Girl Pony 1, Pegasus 3, Pony in Crowd
*Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity, Princess Luna, Boy Pony, Construction Pony, Suri Polomare, Registration Pony, Pony 3, Cloudsdale Cheer Ponies, Pony, Mrs. Cake, Banner Vendor, Granny Smith, Zipporwhill, Audience Pony 1, Pony 2, Pegasus 4, Photo Finish
*Cathy Weseluck as Spike, Coco Pommel, Mayor, Torch Song, Classmate Pony 2, Breezette, Flitter, Pony in Arena, Crystal Servant Pony, Crystal Pony 2
*Madeleine Peters as Scootaloo, Little Pony 2
*Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom, Small Pony
*Chantal Strand as Diamond Tiara
*Shannon Chan-Kent as Silver Spoon, Girl Pony, Singing Pinkie Pie
*Ellen Kennedy as Mane-iac, the Chimera
*Doron Bell as Trenderhoof
*Graham Verchere as Pip Squeak
*Britt McKillip as Princess Cadance
*John de Lancie as Discord
*Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia, Miss Cheerilee
*Brenda Crichlow as Zecora
*Andrew Francis as Royal Guard, Royal Guard #3, Train Conductor, Train Conductor, Shining Armor, Crystal Pony 1
*Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle, Little Pony 1
*Peter New as Big Mac, Royal Guard #2, Messenger Pony, Goldie Delicious, Animal, Pegasus Dad, Cajun Swamp Pony, Reporter Pony, Crystal Security Guard, Ice Archer
*Brian Drummond as Ahuizotl, Cabbie, Pedestrian 2, Mr. Cake, Art Suply Vendor, Other Vendor, Seabreeze, Band Pony, Security Guard, Audience Pony 2
*Chiara Zanni as Daring Do/A.K. Yearling
*Michael Dobson as Dr. Caballeron, Bulk Biceps, Pony 1
*Veena Sood as Ms. Harshwhinny, Crystal Pony in Crowd
*Lee Tocker as Snips
*Richard Ian Cox as Snails
*Ingrid Nilson as Maud Pie
*Sam Vincent as Flim
*Scott McNeil as Flam
*Ian James Corlett as Silver Shill
*Sylvain Lavasseur Portelance as Stellar Eclipse
*Saffron Henderson as Daring Do Collector, Pony 2
*James Higuchi as Comic Geek Pony, Pony 1
*Michael Daingerfield as Antique Chicken Stand Pony, Ancient Beast Dealer
*Trevor Devall as Bellhop, Pedestrian 1, Thunderlane, Vendor, Food Pony 2
*Kelly Metger as Spitfire, Blossomforth
*Jay Brazeau as Claude
*Matt Hill as Soarin'
*Alvin Sanders as Flutterguy
*Danny Balkwill as Toe-Tapper
*&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic as Cheese Sandwich
*Rena Anawke as Sapphire Shores, Girl Pony 2
*Mark Acheson as Lord Tirek
*Vincent Tong as Flash Sentry, Dignitary
*Kazumi Evans as Singing Rarity, Singing Luna
*Marcus Mosley as Singing Flutterguy
*Jerrica Santos as Singing Torch Song
*Rebecca Shoichet as Singing Twilight Sparkle

==External links==
[[Category:My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season which ran from November 23, 2013 to May 10, 2014. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 1===
:''[During Twilight's flying lesson]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You gotta really flap 'em hard!
:''[Twilight flaps her wings so hard, she flies into a tree.]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Oop, maybe not quite ''that'' hard.
----
:'''Rarity''': Don't be so modest. It's everypony's dream to someday wear a crown and have their coronation ceremony preserved in stained glass for all to see.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I don't know if it's everypony's dream.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Most of my dreams are about frosting! ''[licks her lips, giggles]''
----
:'''Discord''': Ladies, ladies, I'm innocent. Would I lie to you?
:'''Mane Six, except Fluttershy''': '''Yes!'''
:'''Fluttershy''': Um, maybe?

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 2===
:'''Discord''': Oh, I ''do'' hope she breaks into a song this time!
----
:'''Spike''': Are we there yet?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know where we are. We're lost. I never should have left my friends.
:'''Spike''': We can't just give up. Maybe if I climb up there, I'll be able to spot them. well what do you know? Twilight?

===Castle Mane-ia===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': This is the most daring dare anypony ever dared dare another pony to dare!
:''[Rainbow Dash and Applejack are covered in bees]''
:'''Rainbow Dash and Applejack''': Huh?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': It's exciting!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Hey, you guys! Did you know I can totally play the organ? Because I didn't!

===Daring Don't===
:'''Rarity''':  I hope A.K. Yearling's alright!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh no! What if something terrible happened to her?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I know! There might be no more books! [''Twilight glares at Rainbow Dash; awkwardly''] Uhh, but, of course, I'd be worried about her, too. Heh.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle''':  We're going to need a carefully thought-out plan.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I'm coming, Daring Do!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': That's not a plan!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daring Do''': Have I mentioned yet that I work alone?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Have I mentioned yet that you're lucky I ''don't?''

===Flight to the Finish===
:'''Ms. Harshwhinny''': Professionalism, Ms. Dash. I must insist. If you want to keep your job as coach of these ponies, you must maintain a professional attitude and keep your emotions in check. Am I making myself absolutely, one hundred percent crystal clear? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Yes, Ms. Harshwhinny. Y'know, 'professionalism' is my middle name. Rainbow Professionalism Dash.
----
:'''Scootaloo''': So... what's special about Ponyville? It's... It's... I got it! It's a place where different kinds of ponies live together as friends! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Earth ponies like me! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Unicorns like me! 
:'''Scootaloo''': And Pegasi like me! 
----
:'''Scootaloo''': But we're winners! And we have hearts.. 
:'''Silver Spoon''': Sure, but you know what you don't have? 
:'''Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon''': Your cutie marks! Blank flanks, blank flanks, blank flanks!
:'''Apple Bloom''': What does that have to do with flag carryin'?
----
:''[Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spying on the Crusaders' rehearsal.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Did you see that?! I can’t believe I’m saying this, they could win!
:'''Silver Spoon:''' But how do we stop them? We already called them blank flanks!
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Then we need to find a new way to get under their skin.
:''[She notices Scootaloo's wings.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Or maybe...get under their ''wings''.

===Power Ponies===
:'''Applejack''': Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is going on?
:'''Spike''': [[w:Batman (TV series)|Holy new personas, ponies!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, where are you going?! 
:'''Fluttershy''': You seem to have everything under control. 
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, we need you! You have to power up! 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm sorry, it's just that nothing is making me mad. 
:''[A firefly buzzes by, Mane-iac whips it down]''
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, goodness! Are you okay? ''[to the Mane-iac]'' Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're evil and everything, but, you hurt a teensy, little, harmless ''firefly!?'' ''Really''?! Well, you're just a great, big, '''meanie'''! ''[voice getting deeper]'' '''There! I said it!''' What makes you think ''you're'' so special?! '''Like the rules of common courtesy don't apply to you?!''' ''[metamorphoses into a gigantic, muscular pegasus]'' '''Why don't you pick on somepony your own''' ''[shouting]'' '''SIZE'''! ''[huge roar]''

===Bats!===
:'''Rarity''': Uh, Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down, and... ''do stop being a vampire bat.''

===Rarity Takes Manehatten===
:'''Rarity''': First place?
----------------------------
:'''Applejack''': Wow! That was even better than I imagined.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[flying and looping]'' I loved it! ''[flutters down and folds arms]'' I mean, it was all right.

===Pinkie Apple Pie===
:'''Granny Smith''': Has anypony seen my travellin' bonnet?
:'''Apple Bloom''': Isn't that it on your head? ''[awkward pause]''
:'''Granny Smith''': No!
:'''Apple Bloom''': It looks an awful lot like—
:'''Granny Smith''': Well, it ain't! An' that's final!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Look at me! I'm part of the Apple family too! I'm arguing! Argue, argue, argue! Bicker, bicker! ''[laughs]''

===Rainbow Falls===
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' &quot;P&quot; Is for Rainbow Dash!
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[whispering]'' Um, &quot;Rainbow Dash&quot; actually starts with an 'R'.
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' Never mind!
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[unsurely explaining her 'injury']'' I, uh, tripped on a, uh, foam hoof, and landed on a ... ''[unintelligible mumbling]'' pokey stick coming out of the ground...
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grrrr!! If I get my hooves on that ''[mimes Rainbow Dash's unintelligible mumbling]'', it'll be in big trouble!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grr!! ''[shows a pile of pompoms]'' What am I gonna do with all these now?!
:'''Applejack''': Err, what were you gonna do with them before?
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[excited]'' Oh, I can't deny it! I love to win! But if I ever gotta choose between winning, and being loyal to my friends, I'm always gonna choose my friends. 'Cause as much as I love winning, I love them ''waaay'' more.

===Three's A Crowd===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Cadance and I can spend the whole day looking at Star Swirl the Bearded artifacts!
:'''Rarity''': Sounds like a perfect, drama-free way to spend the day with Cadance.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not counting the drama surrounding which of the bells from his cloak they've chosen to put on display! Spoiler alert: It's this one!
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Now, now, he’s learned his lesson. Isn’t that right, my little patient?
:'''Discord''': I’m so glad that you’re back from your trip, Fluttershy. Just your presence here is making me feel ''so'' much better. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Discord''': ''[to Twilight]'' I was just wondering. Could I trouble you for just one more thing?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[exasperated]'' '''NO!'''
:'''Discord''': What? I was simply going to ask...for a teeny tiny glass...of water. ''[grins deviously as the episode ends]''

===Pinkie Pride===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Parties are no picnic! 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, I like a nice picnic party. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[growls]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh! 
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''Freeze, Cheese!'' I challenge you...'''TO A GOOF-OFF!!!'''
:''[Everypony gasps]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, no! Not a Goof-Off!
:'''Applejack''': What’s a Goof-Off!?
:'''Fluttershy''': I have no idea.
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': So are you in, Cheese? Or are you... ''boneless?''
:'''[[w:&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic|Cheese Sandwich]]''': Nopony calls me &quot;boneless&quot;! ''[to his rubber chicken]'' Right, Boneless?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Then the goof-off is on for high noon! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Um, Pinkie? It's already 3 o'clock. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Oh. Oh, well then. Make it [[w:Three-Ten to Yuma|3:10 to goof-off!]]
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie''': I never did get that pony’s name. 
:'''Other five''': CHEESE SANDWICH!
:'''Pinkie''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, yeah.

===Simple Ways===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I'm glad the committee didn't automatically pick me so everypony gets a chance to see how great being me actually is! Even though the festival's basically a party and the pony of ceremonies gets to organize the whole thing. So it'd totally make sense if they did pick me.
----
:'''Applejack''': ''[in a formal tone]'' My mane needs to be perfectly coiffed at all times.
:'''Rarity''': ''[in a redneck-like tone]'' Well, ma' mane is full of dust and split ends. 
:'''Applejack''': My hooves are so polished, you can see your reflection in them. 
:'''Rarity''': Ma' hooves are cracked and dry from working in the fields! 
:'''Applejack''': I'm so fashion-forward.
:'''Rarity''': Ah' wear droopy drawers! 
:'''Applejack''': I smell like rosebuds!
:'''Rarity''': ''Ah' love bein' covered in mud!''

===Filli Vanilli===
:'''Rarity''': This simply must be rectified! You must share that stunning voice at the event.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Yeah! You'll be so amazing! You'd be there on stage, basking in the hooflights, the centre of attention! A shining star! With everypony staring at you; judging you, jealously noting how they could be ''way'' better than you! Why wasn't it them? Why wasn't it ''them''? And then, when you choke, they'll turn on you becoming a seething angry mob and you'd be horribly humiliated; '''never able to show your face in Ponyville''' '''''again!'''''
:'''Rarity''': Pinkie Pie! Don't be ridiculous! 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Aw, but I'm so good at it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': I have... stage fright.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[gasps]'' Is it contagious?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Stage fright isn't a disease, Pinkie.
----
:'''Applejack''': Big Mac, you've got some 'splainin' to do! Turkey call?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Trash your voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Zecora remedy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Not quick enough?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Nope.
:'''Applejack''': Needed a deep voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Poison joke?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Flutterguy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Better now?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': And that shy filly was livin' her dream in the shadows because she couldn't bring herself to come into the spotlight?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.

===Twilight Time===
:'''Sweetie Belle''': I just hope no one sees us!
:'''Apple Bloom''': 'Cause we're tryin' to keep Twilight Time a secret now?
:'''Scootaloo''': Or because we look ridiculous?
:'''Sweetie Belle''': A little of both actually.

===It Ain't Easy Being Breezies===
:'''Fluttershy''': But these cheers should be quiet cheers. We don't want to startle them. They need to be able to concentrate. Why don't we try it? You can do it, Breezies!
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''YOU CAN DO IT, BREEZIES!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, my.
:'''Applejack''': Heh, sorry, Fluttershy. I had no idea how hard it was to do a cheer quietly.
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, it's okay. Quiet doesn't come naturally for everypony. Let's try it again.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;You can do it, Breezies!!!&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Perhaps just a little bit quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' You can do it, Breezies.
:'''Fluttershy''': Just a little quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;small&gt;You can do it, Breezies.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': '''PERFECT!!!''' I mean... yay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Seabreeze''': [tirade of indignation] 
:'''Applejack''': Uh... what did he say? 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'd... rather not say. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm working on a bee-type dance and was hoping you could help me? Does this bring to mind any images for you? Perhaps a bee?  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Rainbow Dash''': So, uh, I've always kinda wondered what it would be like to be a griffon. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not a chance. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You sure? What about a dragon? No? It doesn't have to shoot fire!

===Somepony To Watch Over Me===
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': Where are the pies!? 
:'''Chimera's snake tail''': They're not back here. 
:'''Chimera's goat head''': This is all your fault. You think you always got to be in charge! 
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': [groans] You're lucky, you know? You've got no idea what it's like to have a sister constantly looking over your shoulder! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Uh, actually...

===Maud Pie===
:''[A spider crawls on a rock in front of Maud]''
:'''Fluttershy''': These spiders only live in Ponyville, and even though they may look a teeny bit scary, they're actually very sweet and help keep other, more dangerous insects away! 
:''[The spider looks menacing at first, then becomes friendly and shows them a flower]''
:'''Maud Pie''': I was looking at the rock. 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh.
----
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[to Twilight Sparkle]'' I prefer to read my own poetry. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oooh, I'd love to hear some of it.
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[clears throat]'' &quot;Rock, you are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock.&quot; I've written thousands.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': She's so prolific!
:'''Maud Pie''': This next one is about rocks. They're ''all'' about rocks. &quot;Rocks, these are my rocks. Sediments make me sentimental. Smooth and round, asleep in the ground. Shades of brown, and grey...&quot;
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': That pony is [[Winston_Churchill#The_Second_World_War_.281939.E2.80.931945.29|a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an igneous.]]
:'''Rarity''': Don't you mean &quot;inside an enigma&quot;?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': No. I mean &quot;igneous&quot;. It's a kind of rock. Ask me how I know that.
----
:'''Maud Pie:''' I don't love rock candy... ''[smiles]'' ...but I do love Pinkie Pie.

===For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're goin' to see Sapphire Shores! I'm such a huge fan! I know all her songs! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Get Your Pony On'! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Ooh, that's one of my favorites! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': This isn't a trip to see Sapphire Shores! It's a trip to save my sister from a horrible future! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Serves Her Right'! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': [gasps] How can you say that? Rarity doesn't deserve that at all! 
:'''Scootaloo''': No, 'Serves Her Right' is another one of Sapphire Shores' songs! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': You seriously didn't know that? Don't you listen to her music?! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': ...I prefer showtunes. 
:'''Scootaloo''': Ugh.

===Leap Of Faith===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Hey, Granny! Think you can buck me over the water? 
:'''Granny Smith''': I don't see why not! Come on, Big Mac, toss her this way! 
:'''Applejack''': Granny, wait! 
:'''Granny Smith''': Woo-hoo-hoo! 
:'''Apple Bloom and Granny Smith''': [laughing]
----
:'''Applejack''': Believing in something can help you do amazing things. But if that belief is based on a lie, eventually, it's gonna lead to real trouble.
----
:'''Applejack''': It's time for you to tell the truth! You never needed crutches at all, did ya?
:'''Silver Shill''': I, uh... (he pulls a lever which makes a whistle to blow steam)
:'''Applejack''': Hey! (she and Apple Bloom brace themselves from the steam as they are covered by it)fxzr6vkhiz

===Testing Testing 1, 2, 3===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Hm, by highlighting everything you don't really separate the wheat from the chaff... Or the good from the bad. Hey, I am not that tall! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [giggles] 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Yes, Rainbow? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Is it snack time? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Recess? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [sighs] Can't we just watch the history of the Wonderbolts movie?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:''[Twilight begins her lecture on the Wonderbolt's history. Throughout this, Rainbow rocks her stool back and forth, making a rhythem while Owlowiscious and Spike join in.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Prior to the Great Celestia/Luna Rift, there was no need for the Earth-Unicorn-Pegasi, or EUP, Guard. But after Luna’s banishment, the Protective Pony Platoons were formed. On the anniversary of the first Celestial Year of Peace, a celebration was held, Headed by General Firefly, an elite team of aerial performers were chosen to commemorate this auspicious occasion. The first performance was so full of energy, so highly charged, that magical lightning showered down on the crowd. Everypony was so filled with amazement and wonder, that General Firefly dubbed them: The Wonderbolts.
:''[She finally notices Rainbow goofing off; Owlowiscious and Spike stop what they're doing and leave the scene.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash! Can you repeat any of my lesson?!
:''[Rainbow rocks her stool one last time.]''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The initials EUP stand for what? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Ernie's Undercooked Pancakes. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The original aerial team performed for...? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Celestia's cereal celebration. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The Wonderbolts were given their name by this famous Pegasus. Who is she? [to herself] Please don't say Colonel Waffle... 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Hello? General Blazing Donut Glaze! So, did I ace it or what? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Or what. You didn't get one answer correct. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': What? But- but how? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know. I've never heard answers so wrong! And so breakfast-related! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[stomach growls]''

===Trade Ya===
:''[Twilight is about to trade all her books for the broken quill a filly has''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': STOP!! What are you doing? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I was trying to get rid of all the books I don’t need anymore.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': For that? Do you reeeeeeeally want that? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well, not really, but…I’m running out of library space, so—
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!! I can’t believe that almost happened! But luckily it didn’t happen, thanks to me. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[showing a scroll]'' According to the rules of the Exchange, a trade is only fair if both ponies end up with something they want. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''You can’t break the rules!!'' Did anypony see you do it? I don’t think anypony saw. But ''you'' are not gonna say anything, are you?! ''[giggles]'' Just kidding! ''[mischievously]'' Or am I?! Sometimes I can’t even tell.
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': OK! We get it! You're both great friends.
----
:'''Applejack''': And I know you'll love cause you already got a billion just like sitting in a drawer doing nothin'!

===Inspiration Manifestation===
'''Rarity''': But, wait... I don't seem to need it anymore, do I? Yes. Yes! I can feel its magic flowing within me now! I'm so excited! I'm ''so excited''!

'''Spike''': [[w:Saved by the Bell|I'm so scared...]]

===Equestria Games===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Equestria, We have a problem.]]
----
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' This just got ''real''.
:’’’Greyson: not today equestria will be threatened not this time. [Gun caulking]

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 1===
:'''Lord Tirek''': &quot;Is he friend, or is he foe?&quot; the pony wonders. I can assure you... I am no friend. I am [[w:Rescue at Midnight Castle|Tirek]], and I will take what should have been mine long ago. 
:’’Greyson: I am not your friend or foe  horse man but I am your rival thrashing through your veins and power. Isn’t that  3 headed dog your are looking for. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well it's just, Princess Luna raises the moon, Princess Celestia raises the sun, you protect the Crystal Empire (''Cadance''), and all I seem to do is smile and wave.
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I think I found something! I've been reading our journal, and there's something interesting about the sections Discord bookmarked. Applejack, do you remember when you had to tell everypony that the tonic Granny bought from the Flim Flam brothers didn't really work?
:'''Applejack''': How could I forget? It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. 
:''[Flashback to &quot;Leap of Faith&quot; where Applejack reveals the tonic was fake]''
:'''Applejack''': And in that moment, I knew I had to be honest, I just knew it. But what's that got to do with openin' the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I've found that each of you has had to face a situation where living up to the Element of Harmony you represent wasn't easy. Fluttershy, it was when you realized that the way to show kindness to the Breezies was by forcing them to leave their home. 
:'''Fluttershy''' Oh, the looks on their poor little faces! But I knew that was difficult as it was, pushing them away was the kindest thing I could do! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rarity, even after Suri took advantage of your generosity at Fashion Week in Manehattan, you didn't let it cause you to abandon your generous spirit. 
:'''Rarity''': I simply couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't do something special for the friends who have always been so generous to me! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash, you had the chance to fly with the Wonderbolts at the Equestria Games, But instead you chose to compete with your friends. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Sure, but being loyal to my friends was way --
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ooh! My turn, my turn! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Pinkie Pie, you realized that seeing your friend laugh was more important than proving you were a better party planner than Cheese Sandwich. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Best party I've ever had! 
:'''Rarity:''' It's clear we've all had our moments to shine, Twilight. But I'm with Applejack; what does any of this have to do with the opening of the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': All of you had tough choices to make, but when you made the right one and embraced your element, it helped somepony else make the right choice too. Each of you recieved something from the pony whose life you helped change. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe there's something special about those objects that could lead us to the location of the keys. The chest is connected to the Tree of Harmony. The Tree is connected to the Elements. And the Elements are connected to all of us! There must be a connection! I hate to admit it, but maybe Discord was trying to be a good friend after all.

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 2===
:'''Lord Tirek''': Give my regards to Cerberus. 
:'''Discord''': You meant our will, didn't you? 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Of course. Here, I want you to have something. This was given to me by someone very close to me. I give it to you as a sign of my gratitude and loyalty. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, my! I do love a good accessory. I suppose that's Rarity's influence.
:''[There's a stained glass window of Tirek holding a sword and Discord riding on his back holding a sandwich which is being sliced by Tirek's sword]''
:'''Lord Tirek''': ''[laughs]'' Amusing. But we have no time for such things. With the princesses out of the way, we can now– ''[sees a stained glass illustration of Twilight Sparkle]'' Is this meant to be '''HUMOROUS?!'''
:'''Discord''': Oh, no, I haven't touched that one yet. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': There's a fourth? And you did not tell me this?! 
:'''Discord''': I just needed some assurance that you truly considered this a team effort. And now I have it. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Then where can we find this fourth princess? Where is her castle? 
:'''Discord''': Castle? ''[laughs]'' No, Princess Twilight lives above a library in Ponyville. Castle? ''[laughs]'' 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Not for much longer.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': You've gathered up all of them? 
:'''Discord''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And her little dragon, too.]] 
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, we were. But Tirek offered me so much more than just tea parties. Surely, you saw this coming.
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[crying]'' I didn't. I really didn't.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''''Princess Twilight!'''''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[gasps]'' Tirek! 
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''You have something that belongs to me!'''
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': How it this possible?! ''You have no magic!''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You're wrong, Tirek! I may have given you my Alicorn magic, but I carry within me the most ''powerful'' magic of all!
----
:'''Princess Celestia''': You've been wondering what you are meant to do as a princess. Do you know now? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': As princess, I believe I have the power to spread the magic of friendship across Equestria. That is the role I am meant to have in our world! The role I ''choose'' to have! But I didn't defeat Tirek on my own, it took all of us to unlock the chest. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': Then it is unlikely you are meant to take on this task alone. ''[opens door, showing thrones for the mane 6 and Spike]''
:'''Mane 6/Spike''': ''[gasps]'' Wowwee! Wow...
:'''Princess Celestia''': You are now '''Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.'''
:''[Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike test their thrones]''
:'''Princess Celestia''': But what is the Princess of Friendship without her friends? 
----
:'''Discord''': Wait a minute, where's ''my'' throne?!
:'''Fluttershy''': I don't think you're quite there, yet.
:'''Discord''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Yes, well, I suppose not. 
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[singing, last line of season 4]'' Let the rainbow remind you that together we will always shine.

==Cast==
*Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle, Pegasus 1
*Ashleigh Ball as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Girl Pony, Prim Hemline, Pony in Line, Pony 2, Food Pony 1, Twirly, Random Breezie, Pony 1, Pegasus 2, Crystal Chalice Stand Pony, Crystal Pony 3
*Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy/Flutterbat, Pedestrian 2, Hinny of the Hills, Fleetfoot, Classmate Pony 3, Seedling, Windfall, Five Year Old Pony, Girl Pony 1, Pegasus 3, Pony in Crowd
*Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity, Princess Luna, Boy Pony, Construction Pony, Suri Polomare, Registration Pony, Pony 3, Cloudsdale Cheer Ponies, Pony, Mrs. Cake, Banner Vendor, Granny Smith, Zipporwhill, Audience Pony 1, Pony 2, Pegasus 4, Photo Finish
*Cathy Weseluck as Spike, Coco Pommel, Mayor, Torch Song, Classmate Pony 2, Breezette, Flitter, Pony in Arena, Crystal Servant Pony, Crystal Pony 2
*Madeleine Peters as Scootaloo, Little Pony 2
*Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom, Small Pony
*Chantal Strand as Diamond Tiara
*Shannon Chan-Kent as Silver Spoon, Girl Pony, Singing Pinkie Pie
*Ellen Kennedy as Mane-iac, the Chimera
*Doron Bell as Trenderhoof
*Graham Verchere as Pip Squeak
*Britt McKillip as Princess Cadance
*John de Lancie as Discord
*Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia, Miss Cheerilee
*Brenda Crichlow as Zecora
*Andrew Francis as Royal Guard, Royal Guard #3, Train Conductor, Train Conductor, Shining Armor, Crystal Pony 1
*Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle, Little Pony 1
*Peter New as Big Mac, Royal Guard #2, Messenger Pony, Goldie Delicious, Animal, Pegasus Dad, Cajun Swamp Pony, Reporter Pony, Crystal Security Guard, Ice Archer
*Brian Drummond as Ahuizotl, Cabbie, Pedestrian 2, Mr. Cake, Art Suply Vendor, Other Vendor, Seabreeze, Band Pony, Security Guard, Audience Pony 2
*Chiara Zanni as Daring Do/A.K. Yearling
*Michael Dobson as Dr. Caballeron, Bulk Biceps, Pony 1
*Veena Sood as Ms. Harshwhinny, Crystal Pony in Crowd
*Lee Tocker as Snips
*Richard Ian Cox as Snails
*Ingrid Nilson as Maud Pie
*Sam Vincent as Flim
*Scott McNeil as Flam
*Ian James Corlett as Silver Shill
*Sylvain Lavasseur Portelance as Stellar Eclipse
*Saffron Henderson as Daring Do Collector, Pony 2
*James Higuchi as Comic Geek Pony, Pony 1
*Michael Daingerfield as Antique Chicken Stand Pony, Ancient Beast Dealer
*Trevor Devall as Bellhop, Pedestrian 1, Thunderlane, Vendor, Food Pony 2
*Kelly Metger as Spitfire, Blossomforth
*Jay Brazeau as Claude
*Matt Hill as Soarin'
*Alvin Sanders as Flutterguy
*Danny Balkwill as Toe-Tapper
*&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic as Cheese Sandwich
*Rena Anawke as Sapphire Shores, Girl Pony 2
*Mark Acheson as Lord Tirek
*Vincent Tong as Flash Sentry, Dignitary
*Kazumi Evans as Singing Rarity, Singing Luna
*Marcus Mosley as Singing Flutterguy
*Jerrica Santos as Singing Torch Song
*Rebecca Shoichet as Singing Twilight Sparkle

==External links==
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season which ran from November 23, 2013 to May 10, 2014. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 1===
:''[During Twilight's flying lesson]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You gotta really flap 'em hard!
:''[Twilight flaps her wings so hard, she flies into a tree.]''
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Oop, maybe not quite ''that'' hard.
----
:'''Rarity''': Don't be so modest. It's everypony's dream to someday wear a crown and have their coronation ceremony preserved in stained glass for all to see.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I don't know if it's everypony's dream.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Most of my dreams are about frosting! ''[licks her lips, giggles]''
----
:'''Discord''': Ladies, ladies, I'm innocent. Would I lie to you?
:'''Mane Six, except Fluttershy''': '''Yes!'''
:'''Fluttershy''': Um, maybe?

===Princess Twilight Sparkle — Part 2===
:'''Discord''': Oh, I ''do'' hope she breaks into a song this time!
----
:'''Spike''': Are we there yet?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know where we are. We're lost. I never should have left my friends.
:'''Spike''': We can't just give up. Maybe if I climb up there, I'll be able to spot them. well what do you know? Twilight?

===Castle Mane-ia===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': This is the most daring dare anypony ever dared dare another pony to dare!
:''[Rainbow Dash and Applejack are covered in bees]''
:'''Rainbow Dash and Applejack''': Huh?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': It's exciting!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Hey, you guys! Did you know I can totally play the organ? Because I didn't!

===Daring Don't===
:'''Rarity''':  I hope A.K. Yearling's alright!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh no! What if something terrible happened to her?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I know! There might be no more books! [''Twilight glares at Rainbow Dash; awkwardly''] Uhh, but, of course, I'd be worried about her, too. Heh.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Twilight Sparkle''':  We're going to need a carefully thought-out plan.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': I'm coming, Daring Do!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': That's not a plan!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daring Do''': Have I mentioned yet that I work alone?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Have I mentioned yet that you're lucky I ''don't?''

===Flight to the Finish===
:'''Ms. Harshwhinny''': Professionalism, Ms. Dash. I must insist. If you want to keep your job as coach of these ponies, you must maintain a professional attitude and keep your emotions in check. Am I making myself absolutely, one hundred percent crystal clear? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Yes, Ms. Harshwhinny. Y'know, 'professionalism' is my middle name. Rainbow Professionalism Dash.
----
:'''Scootaloo''': So... what's special about Ponyville? It's... It's... I got it! It's a place where different kinds of ponies live together as friends! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Earth ponies like me! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Unicorns like me! 
:'''Scootaloo''': And Pegasi like me! 
----
:'''Scootaloo''': But we're winners! And we have hearts.. 
:'''Silver Spoon''': Sure, but you know what you don't have? 
:'''Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon''': Your cutie marks! Blank flanks, blank flanks, blank flanks!
:'''Apple Bloom''': What does that have to do with flag carryin'?
----
:''[Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spying on the Crusaders' rehearsal.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Did you see that?! I can’t believe I’m saying this, they could win!
:'''Silver Spoon:''' But how do we stop them? We already called them blank flanks!
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Then we need to find a new way to get under their skin.
:''[She notices Scootaloo's wings.]''
:'''Diamond Tiara:''' Or maybe...get under their ''wings''.

===Power Ponies===
:'''Applejack''': Somepony wanna tell me what the hay is going on?
:'''Spike''': [[w:Batman (TV series)|Holy new personas, ponies!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, where are you going?! 
:'''Fluttershy''': You seem to have everything under control. 
:'''Spike''': Fluttershy, we need you! You have to power up! 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm sorry, it's just that nothing is making me mad. 
:''[A firefly buzzes by, Mane-iac whips it down]''
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, goodness! Are you okay? ''[to the Mane-iac]'' Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're evil and everything, but, you hurt a teensy, little, harmless ''firefly!?'' ''Really''?! Well, you're just a great, big, '''meanie'''! ''[voice getting deeper]'' '''There! I said it!''' What makes you think ''you're'' so special?! '''Like the rules of common courtesy don't apply to you?!''' ''[metamorphoses into a gigantic, muscular pegasus]'' '''Why don't you pick on somepony your own''' ''[shouting]'' '''SIZE'''! ''[huge roar]''

===Bats!===
:'''Rarity''': Uh, Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down, and... ''do stop being a vampire bat.''

===Rarity Takes Manehatten===
:'''Rarity''': First place?
----------------------------
:'''Applejack''': Wow! That was even better than I imagined.
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[flying and looping]'' I loved it! ''[flutters down and folds arms]'' I mean, it was all right.

===Pinkie Apple Pie===
:'''Granny Smith''': Has anypony seen my travellin' bonnet?
:'''Apple Bloom''': Isn't that it on your head? ''[awkward pause]''
:'''Granny Smith''': No!
:'''Apple Bloom''': It looks an awful lot like—
:'''Granny Smith''': Well, it ain't! An' that's final!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Look at me! I'm part of the Apple family too! I'm arguing! Argue, argue, argue! Bicker, bicker! ''[laughs]''

===Rainbow Falls===
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' &quot;P&quot; Is for Rainbow Dash!
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[whispering]'' Um, &quot;Rainbow Dash&quot; actually starts with an 'R'.
:'''Bulk Biceps''': ''[screaming]'' Never mind!
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[unsurely explaining her 'injury']'' I, uh, tripped on a, uh, foam hoof, and landed on a ... ''[unintelligible mumbling]'' pokey stick coming out of the ground...
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grrrr!! If I get my hooves on that ''[mimes Rainbow Dash's unintelligible mumbling]'', it'll be in big trouble!
----
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Grr!! ''[shows a pile of pompoms]'' What am I gonna do with all these now?!
:'''Applejack''': Err, what were you gonna do with them before?
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[excited]'' Oh, I can't deny it! I love to win! But if I ever gotta choose between winning, and being loyal to my friends, I'm always gonna choose my friends. 'Cause as much as I love winning, I love them ''waaay'' more.

===Three's A Crowd===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Cadance and I can spend the whole day looking at Star Swirl the Bearded artifacts!
:'''Rarity''': Sounds like a perfect, drama-free way to spend the day with Cadance.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not counting the drama surrounding which of the bells from his cloak they've chosen to put on display! Spoiler alert: It's this one!
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Now, now, he’s learned his lesson. Isn’t that right, my little patient?
:'''Discord''': I’m so glad that you’re back from your trip, Fluttershy. Just your presence here is making me feel ''so'' much better. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Discord''': ''[to Twilight]'' I was just wondering. Could I trouble you for just one more thing?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[exasperated]'' '''NO!'''
:'''Discord''': What? I was simply going to ask...for a teeny tiny glass...of water. ''[grins deviously as the episode ends]''

===Pinkie Pride===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Parties are no picnic! 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, I like a nice picnic party. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[growls]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh! 
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''Freeze, Cheese!'' I challenge you...'''TO A GOOF-OFF!!!'''
:''[Everypony gasps]'' 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, no! Not a Goof-Off!
:'''Applejack''': What’s a Goof-Off!?
:'''Fluttershy''': I have no idea.
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': So are you in, Cheese? Or are you... ''boneless?''
:'''[[w:&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic|Cheese Sandwich]]''': Nopony calls me &quot;boneless&quot;! ''[to his rubber chicken]'' Right, Boneless?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Then the goof-off is on for high noon! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Um, Pinkie? It's already 3 o'clock. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Oh. Oh, well then. Make it [[w:Three-Ten to Yuma|3:10 to goof-off!]]
--------------------------
:'''Pinkie''': I never did get that pony’s name. 
:'''Other five''': CHEESE SANDWICH!
:'''Pinkie''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, yeah.

===Simple Ways===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I'm glad the committee didn't automatically pick me so everypony gets a chance to see how great being me actually is! Even though the festival's basically a party and the pony of ceremonies gets to organize the whole thing. So it'd totally make sense if they did pick me.
----
:'''Applejack''': ''[in a formal tone]'' My mane needs to be perfectly coiffed at all times.
:'''Rarity''': ''[in a redneck-like tone]'' Well, ma' mane is full of dust and split ends. 
:'''Applejack''': My hooves are so polished, you can see your reflection in them. 
:'''Rarity''': Ma' hooves are cracked and dry from working in the fields! 
:'''Applejack''': I'm so fashion-forward.
:'''Rarity''': Ah' wear droopy drawers! 
:'''Applejack''': I smell like rosebuds!
:'''Rarity''': ''Ah' love bein' covered in mud!''

===Filli Vanilli===
:'''Rarity''': This simply must be rectified! You must share that stunning voice at the event.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Yeah! You'll be so amazing! You'd be there on stage, basking in the hooflights, the centre of attention! A shining star! With everypony staring at you; judging you, jealously noting how they could be ''way'' better than you! Why wasn't it them? Why wasn't it ''them''? And then, when you choke, they'll turn on you becoming a seething angry mob and you'd be horribly humiliated; '''never able to show your face in Ponyville''' '''''again!'''''
:'''Rarity''': Pinkie Pie! Don't be ridiculous! 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Aw, but I'm so good at it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': I have... stage fright.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[gasps]'' Is it contagious?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Stage fright isn't a disease, Pinkie.
----
:'''Applejack''': Big Mac, you've got some 'splainin' to do! Turkey call?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Trash your voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Zecora remedy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Not quick enough?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Nope.
:'''Applejack''': Needed a deep voice?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Poison joke?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Flutterguy?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': Better now?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.
:'''Applejack''': And that shy filly was livin' her dream in the shadows because she couldn't bring herself to come into the spotlight?
:'''Big McIntosh''': Eeyup.

===Twilight Time===
:'''Sweetie Belle''': I just hope no one sees us!
:'''Apple Bloom''': 'Cause we're tryin' to keep Twilight Time a secret now?
:'''Scootaloo''': Or because we look ridiculous?
:'''Sweetie Belle''': A little of both actually.

===It Ain't Easy Being Breezies===
:'''Fluttershy''': But these cheers should be quiet cheers. We don't want to startle them. They need to be able to concentrate. Why don't we try it? You can do it, Breezies!
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''YOU CAN DO IT, BREEZIES!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, my.
:'''Applejack''': Heh, sorry, Fluttershy. I had no idea how hard it was to do a cheer quietly.
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, it's okay. Quiet doesn't come naturally for everypony. Let's try it again.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;big&gt;You can do it, Breezies!!!&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': Perhaps just a little bit quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' You can do it, Breezies.
:'''Fluttershy''': Just a little quieter.
:'''Other Five:''' &lt;small&gt;You can do it, Breezies.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Fluttershy''': '''PERFECT!!!''' I mean... yay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Seabreeze''': [tirade of indignation] 
:'''Applejack''': Uh... what did he say? 
:'''Fluttershy''': I'd... rather not say. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Fluttershy''': I'm working on a bee-type dance and was hoping you could help me? Does this bring to mind any images for you? Perhaps a bee?  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Rainbow Dash''': So, uh, I've always kinda wondered what it would be like to be a griffon. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Not a chance. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': You sure? What about a dragon? No? It doesn't have to shoot fire!

===Somepony To Watch Over Me===
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': Where are the pies!? 
:'''Chimera's snake tail''': They're not back here. 
:'''Chimera's goat head''': This is all your fault. You think you always got to be in charge! 
:'''Chimera's tiger head''': [groans] You're lucky, you know? You've got no idea what it's like to have a sister constantly looking over your shoulder! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Uh, actually...

===Maud Pie===
:''[A spider crawls on a rock in front of Maud]''
:'''Fluttershy''': These spiders only live in Ponyville, and even though they may look a teeny bit scary, they're actually very sweet and help keep other, more dangerous insects away! 
:''[The spider looks menacing at first, then becomes friendly and shows them a flower]''
:'''Maud Pie''': I was looking at the rock. 
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh.
----
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[to Twilight Sparkle]'' I prefer to read my own poetry. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oooh, I'd love to hear some of it.
:'''Maud Pie''': ''[clears throat]'' &quot;Rock, you are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock.&quot; I've written thousands.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': She's so prolific!
:'''Maud Pie''': This next one is about rocks. They're ''all'' about rocks. &quot;Rocks, these are my rocks. Sediments make me sentimental. Smooth and round, asleep in the ground. Shades of brown, and grey...&quot;
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': That pony is [[Winston_Churchill#The_Second_World_War_.281939.E2.80.931945.29|a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an igneous.]]
:'''Rarity''': Don't you mean &quot;inside an enigma&quot;?
:'''Rainbow Dash''': No. I mean &quot;igneous&quot;. It's a kind of rock. Ask me how I know that.
----
:'''Maud Pie:''' I don't love rock candy... ''[smiles]'' ...but I do love Pinkie Pie.

===For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're goin' to see Sapphire Shores! I'm such a huge fan! I know all her songs! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Get Your Pony On'! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': Ooh, that's one of my favorites! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': This isn't a trip to see Sapphire Shores! It's a trip to save my sister from a horrible future! 
:'''Scootaloo''': 'Serves Her Right'! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': [gasps] How can you say that? Rarity doesn't deserve that at all! 
:'''Scootaloo''': No, 'Serves Her Right' is another one of Sapphire Shores' songs! 
:'''Apple Bloom''': You seriously didn't know that? Don't you listen to her music?! 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': ...I prefer showtunes. 
:'''Scootaloo''': Ugh.

===Leap Of Faith===
:'''Apple Bloom''': Hey, Granny! Think you can buck me over the water? 
:'''Granny Smith''': I don't see why not! Come on, Big Mac, toss her this way! 
:'''Applejack''': Granny, wait! 
:'''Granny Smith''': Woo-hoo-hoo! 
:'''Apple Bloom and Granny Smith''': [laughing]
----
:'''Applejack''': Believing in something can help you do amazing things. But if that belief is based on a lie, eventually, it's gonna lead to real trouble.
----
:'''Applejack''': It's time for you to tell the truth! You never needed crutches at all, did ya?
:'''Silver Shill''': I, uh... (he pulls a lever which makes a whistle to blow steam)
:'''Applejack''': Hey! (she and Apple Bloom brace themselves from the steam as they are covered by it)fxzr6vkhiz

===Testing Testing 1, 2, 3===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Hm, by highlighting everything you don't really separate the wheat from the chaff... Or the good from the bad. Hey, I am not that tall! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [giggles] 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Yes, Rainbow? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Is it snack time? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Recess? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': [sighs] Can't we just watch the history of the Wonderbolts movie?! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': No!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:''[Twilight begins her lecture on the Wonderbolt's history. Throughout this, Rainbow rocks her stool back and forth, making a rhythem while Owlowiscious and Spike join in.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Prior to the Great Celestia/Luna Rift, there was no need for the Earth-Unicorn-Pegasi, or EUP, Guard. But after Luna’s banishment, the Protective Pony Platoons were formed. On the anniversary of the first Celestial Year of Peace, a celebration was held, Headed by General Firefly, an elite team of aerial performers were chosen to commemorate this auspicious occasion. The first performance was so full of energy, so highly charged, that magical lightning showered down on the crowd. Everypony was so filled with amazement and wonder, that General Firefly dubbed them: The Wonderbolts.
:''[She finally notices Rainbow goofing off; Owlowiscious and Spike stop what they're doing and leave the scene.]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash! Can you repeat any of my lesson?!
:''[Rainbow rocks her stool one last time.]''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The initials EUP stand for what? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Ernie's Undercooked Pancakes. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The original aerial team performed for...? 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Celestia's cereal celebration. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The Wonderbolts were given their name by this famous Pegasus. Who is she? [to herself] Please don't say Colonel Waffle... 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Hello? General Blazing Donut Glaze! So, did I ace it or what? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Or what. You didn't get one answer correct. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': What? But- but how? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't know. I've never heard answers so wrong! And so breakfast-related! 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': ''[stomach growls]''

===Trade Ya===
:''[Twilight is about to trade all her books for the broken quill a filly has''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': STOP!! What are you doing? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I was trying to get rid of all the books I don’t need anymore.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': For that? Do you reeeeeeeally want that? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well, not really, but…I’m running out of library space, so—
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!! I can’t believe that almost happened! But luckily it didn’t happen, thanks to me. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[showing a scroll]'' According to the rules of the Exchange, a trade is only fair if both ponies end up with something they want. 
:''[Twilight rolls her eyes]''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''You can’t break the rules!!'' Did anypony see you do it? I don’t think anypony saw. But ''you'' are not gonna say anything, are you?! ''[giggles]'' Just kidding! ''[mischievously]'' Or am I?! Sometimes I can’t even tell.
----
:'''Rainbow Dash''': OK! We get it! You're both great friends.
----
:'''Applejack''': And I know you'll love cause you already got a billion just like sitting in a drawer doing nothin'!

===Inspiration Manifestation===
'''Rarity''': But, wait... I don't seem to need it anymore, do I? Yes. Yes! I can feel its magic flowing within me now! I'm so excited! I'm ''so excited''!

'''Spike''': [[w:Saved by the Bell|I'm so scared...]]

===Equestria Games===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': [[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Equestria, We have a problem.]]
----
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' This just got ''real''.
:’’’Greyson: not today equestria will be threatened not this time. [Gun caulking]

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 1===
:'''Lord Tirek''': &quot;Is he friend, or is he foe?&quot; the pony wonders. I can assure you... I am no friend. I am [[w:Rescue at Midnight Castle|Tirek]], and I will take what should have been mine long ago. 
:’’Greyson: I’m not your friend or foe I’m your rival waiting for the next appointment to come. Villain.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well it's just, Princess Luna raises the moon, Princess Celestia raises the sun, you protect the Crystal Empire (''Cadance''), and all I seem to do is smile and wave.
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I think I found something! I've been reading our journal, and there's something interesting about the sections Discord bookmarked. Applejack, do you remember when you had to tell everypony that the tonic Granny bought from the Flim Flam brothers didn't really work?
:'''Applejack''': How could I forget? It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. 
:''[Flashback to &quot;Leap of Faith&quot; where Applejack reveals the tonic was fake]''
:'''Applejack''': And in that moment, I knew I had to be honest, I just knew it. But what's that got to do with openin' the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I've found that each of you has had to face a situation where living up to the Element of Harmony you represent wasn't easy. Fluttershy, it was when you realized that the way to show kindness to the Breezies was by forcing them to leave their home. 
:'''Fluttershy''' Oh, the looks on their poor little faces! But I knew that was difficult as it was, pushing them away was the kindest thing I could do! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rarity, even after Suri took advantage of your generosity at Fashion Week in Manehattan, you didn't let it cause you to abandon your generous spirit. 
:'''Rarity''': I simply couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't do something special for the friends who have always been so generous to me! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Rainbow Dash, you had the chance to fly with the Wonderbolts at the Equestria Games, But instead you chose to compete with your friends. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Sure, but being loyal to my friends was way --
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ooh! My turn, my turn! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Pinkie Pie, you realized that seeing your friend laugh was more important than proving you were a better party planner than Cheese Sandwich. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Best party I've ever had! 
:'''Rarity:''' It's clear we've all had our moments to shine, Twilight. But I'm with Applejack; what does any of this have to do with the opening of the chest? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': All of you had tough choices to make, but when you made the right one and embraced your element, it helped somepony else make the right choice too. Each of you recieved something from the pony whose life you helped change. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe there's something special about those objects that could lead us to the location of the keys. The chest is connected to the Tree of Harmony. The Tree is connected to the Elements. And the Elements are connected to all of us! There must be a connection! I hate to admit it, but maybe Discord was trying to be a good friend after all.

===Twilight's Kingdom — Part 2===
:'''Lord Tirek''': Give my regards to Cerberus. 
:'''Discord''': You meant our will, didn't you? 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Of course. Here, I want you to have something. This was given to me by someone very close to me. I give it to you as a sign of my gratitude and loyalty. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, my! I do love a good accessory. I suppose that's Rarity's influence.
:''[There's a stained glass window of Tirek holding a sword and Discord riding on his back holding a sandwich which is being sliced by Tirek's sword]''
:'''Lord Tirek''': ''[laughs]'' Amusing. But we have no time for such things. With the princesses out of the way, we can now– ''[sees a stained glass illustration of Twilight Sparkle]'' Is this meant to be '''HUMOROUS?!'''
:'''Discord''': Oh, no, I haven't touched that one yet. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': There's a fourth? And you did not tell me this?! 
:'''Discord''': I just needed some assurance that you truly considered this a team effort. And now I have it. 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Then where can we find this fourth princess? Where is her castle? 
:'''Discord''': Castle? ''[laughs]'' No, Princess Twilight lives above a library in Ponyville. Castle? ''[laughs]'' 
:'''Lord Tirek''': Not for much longer.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': You've gathered up all of them? 
:'''Discord''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And her little dragon, too.]] 
----
:'''Fluttershy''': Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends. 
:'''Discord''': Oh, we were. But Tirek offered me so much more than just tea parties. Surely, you saw this coming.
:'''Fluttershy''': ''[crying]'' I didn't. I really didn't.
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''''Princess Twilight!'''''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[gasps]'' Tirek! 
:'''Lord Tirek''': '''You have something that belongs to me!'''
----
:'''Lord Tirek''': How it this possible?! ''You have no magic!''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You're wrong, Tirek! I may have given you my Alicorn magic, but I carry within me the most ''powerful'' magic of all!
----
:'''Princess Celestia''': You've been wondering what you are meant to do as a princess. Do you know now? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': As princess, I believe I have the power to spread the magic of friendship across Equestria. That is the role I am meant to have in our world! The role I ''choose'' to have! But I didn't defeat Tirek on my own, it took all of us to unlock the chest. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': Then it is unlikely you are meant to take on this task alone. ''[opens door, showing thrones for the mane 6 and Spike]''
:'''Mane 6/Spike''': ''[gasps]'' Wowwee! Wow...
:'''Princess Celestia''': You are now '''Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.'''
:''[Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike test their thrones]''
:'''Princess Celestia''': But what is the Princess of Friendship without her friends? 
----
:'''Discord''': Wait a minute, where's ''my'' throne?!
:'''Fluttershy''': I don't think you're quite there, yet.
:'''Discord''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Yes, well, I suppose not. 
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[singing, last line of season 4]'' Let the rainbow remind you that together we will always shine.

==Cast==
*Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle, Pegasus 1
*Ashleigh Ball as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Girl Pony, Prim Hemline, Pony in Line, Pony 2, Food Pony 1, Twirly, Random Breezie, Pony 1, Pegasus 2, Crystal Chalice Stand Pony, Crystal Pony 3
*Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy/Flutterbat, Pedestrian 2, Hinny of the Hills, Fleetfoot, Classmate Pony 3, Seedling, Windfall, Five Year Old Pony, Girl Pony 1, Pegasus 3, Pony in Crowd
*Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity, Princess Luna, Boy Pony, Construction Pony, Suri Polomare, Registration Pony, Pony 3, Cloudsdale Cheer Ponies, Pony, Mrs. Cake, Banner Vendor, Granny Smith, Zipporwhill, Audience Pony 1, Pony 2, Pegasus 4, Photo Finish
*Cathy Weseluck as Spike, Coco Pommel, Mayor, Torch Song, Classmate Pony 2, Breezette, Flitter, Pony in Arena, Crystal Servant Pony, Crystal Pony 2
*Madeleine Peters as Scootaloo, Little Pony 2
*Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom, Small Pony
*Chantal Strand as Diamond Tiara
*Shannon Chan-Kent as Silver Spoon, Girl Pony, Singing Pinkie Pie
*Ellen Kennedy as Mane-iac, the Chimera
*Doron Bell as Trenderhoof
*Graham Verchere as Pip Squeak
*Britt McKillip as Princess Cadance
*John de Lancie as Discord
*Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia, Miss Cheerilee
*Brenda Crichlow as Zecora
*Andrew Francis as Royal Guard, Royal Guard #3, Train Conductor, Train Conductor, Shining Armor, Crystal Pony 1
*Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle, Little Pony 1
*Peter New as Big Mac, Royal Guard #2, Messenger Pony, Goldie Delicious, Animal, Pegasus Dad, Cajun Swamp Pony, Reporter Pony, Crystal Security Guard, Ice Archer
*Brian Drummond as Ahuizotl, Cabbie, Pedestrian 2, Mr. Cake, Art Suply Vendor, Other Vendor, Seabreeze, Band Pony, Security Guard, Audience Pony 2
*Chiara Zanni as Daring Do/A.K. Yearling
*Michael Dobson as Dr. Caballeron, Bulk Biceps, Pony 1
*Veena Sood as Ms. Harshwhinny, Crystal Pony in Crowd
*Lee Tocker as Snips
*Richard Ian Cox as Snails
*Ingrid Nilson as Maud Pie
*Sam Vincent as Flim
*Scott McNeil as Flam
*Ian James Corlett as Silver Shill
*Sylvain Lavasseur Portelance as Stellar Eclipse
*Saffron Henderson as Daring Do Collector, Pony 2
*James Higuchi as Comic Geek Pony, Pony 1
*Michael Daingerfield as Antique Chicken Stand Pony, Ancient Beast Dealer
*Trevor Devall as Bellhop, Pedestrian 1, Thunderlane, Vendor, Food Pony 2
*Kelly Metger as Spitfire, Blossomforth
*Jay Brazeau as Claude
*Matt Hill as Soarin'
*Alvin Sanders as Flutterguy
*Danny Balkwill as Toe-Tapper
*&quot;Weird Al&quot; Yankovic as Cheese Sandwich
*Rena Anawke as Sapphire Shores, Girl Pony 2
*Mark Acheson as Lord Tirek
*Vincent Tong as Flash Sentry, Dignitary
*Kazumi Evans as Singing Rarity, Singing Luna
*Marcus Mosley as Singing Flutterguy
*Jerrica Santos as Singing Torch Song
*Rebecca Shoichet as Singing Twilight Sparkle

==External links==
[[Category:My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Doctor Strange (film)</title>
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[[File:Doctor-Strange-logo.svg|thumb|You think you know how the [[world]] works? You think that this [[material]] [[universe]] is all there is? What is &quot;real&quot;? What [[mysteries]] lie beyond the reach of your [[senses]]? At the root of [[existence]], [[mind]] and [[matter]] meet. [[Thoughts]] form [[reality]]. This universe is only one of an [[infinite]] number. Worlds without [[end]].]]
'''''[[w:Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]''''' is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] American superhero film based on the Marvel Comics [[Doctor Strange|character of the same name]], a surgeon who learns the [[mystic]] [[arts]] from the [[w:Ancient One|Ancient One]] after a career-ending car accident. It is the fourteenth film of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU).
:''Directed by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]]. Written by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]] and [[w:C. Robert Cargill|C. Robert Cargill]].''
{{center|'''The impossibilities are endless.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
[[File:Benedict Cumberbatch on the set of Doctor Strange 2 (cropped).jpg|thumb|This doesn't make any sense.]]
:''[The Ancient One catches Kaecilius and his Zealots stealing a page from the Book of Cagliostro which is a spell necessary to summon Dormammu to Earth. She appears hooded in front of them.]''
:'''The Ancient One''': Master Kaecilius, that ritual will only bring you sorrow.
:''[Kaecilius and the Zealots attempt to escape from the Ancient One through the London Sanctum and in the city. They find themselves trapped in the mirror world by the Ancient One, who shows herself in front of the group.]''
:'''Kaecilius''': Hypocrite!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In Strange's apartment, discussing his pursuit of expensive therapies to heal his hands]''
:'''Palmer''': Maybe it's time to consider stopping.
:'''Strange''': No, no, this is exactly the time not to stop. Because, you see, I'm not getting any better!
:'''Palmer''': But this isn't medicine anymore, this is mania! Some things just can't be fixed. 
:'''Strange''': Life without my work -- 
:'''Palmer''': -- is still life. This isn't the end. There are other things that can give your life meaning.
:'''Strange''': Like what? Like you?
:'''Palmer''': This is the part where you apologize.
:'''Strange''': This is the part where you leave.
:'''Palmer''': Fine. I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore.
:'''Strange''': What, too difficult for you, is it?
:'''Palmer''': Yes, it is. It breaks my heart to see you this way.
:'''Strange''': No. Don't pity me.
:'''Palmer''': I'm not pitying you.
:'''Strange''': Oh, yeah? Then what are you doing here? Bringing cheese and wine like we're old friends going for a picnic? We are not friends, Christine. We were barely lovers. You just love a sob story, don't you? Is that what I am to you now? &quot;Poor Stephen Strange, charity case. He finally needs me.&quot; Another dreg of humanity for you to work on. Patch him up and send him back into the world, hearts just humming. You care '''''SO MUCH''''', don't you?!
:'''Palmer''': Goodbye, Stephen.   
:''[tosses her apartment key onto a table and walks out]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Ancient One''': You're a man looking at the world through a keyhole. You've spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole. To see more. To know more. And now on hearing that it can be widened, in ways you can't imagine, you reject the possibility.
:'''Strange''': No, I reject it because I do not believe in fairy tales about chakras or energy or the power of belief. There is ''no'' such thing as spirit! We are made of matter and nothing more. We're just another tiny, momentary speck in an indifferent universe.
:'''The Ancient One''': You think too little of yourself.
:'''Strange''': Oh, you think you see through me, do you? Well, you don't. But I see through you!
:''[She strikes his astral form out of his body.]''
:'''Strange''': What did you just do to me?!
:'''The Ancient One''': I pushed your astral form out of your physical form.
:'''Strange''': What's in that tea? Psilocybin? LSD?
:'''The Ancient One''': It's just tea. With a little honey.
:'''Strange''': What just happened?
:'''The Ancient One''': For a moment, you entered the astral dimension. A place where the soul exists apart from the body.
:'''Strange''': Why are you doing this to me? 
:'''The Ancient One''': To show you just how much you don't know. Open your eye!
:''[She touches Strange's forehead and blasts him into a kaleidoscopic astral journey.]''
:'''The Ancient One''': You think you know how the world works? You think that this material universe is all there is? What is &quot;real&quot;? What mysteries lie beyond the reach of your senses? At the root of existence, mind and matter meet. Thoughts form reality. This universe is only one of an infinite number. Worlds without end. Some benevolent and life-giving, others filled with malice and hunger. Dark places where powers older than time lie, ravenous and waiting. Who are you in this vast multiverse, Mr. Strange? 
:''[Strange returns to Kamar-Taj and lands at the Ancient One's feet.]''
:'''The Ancient One''': Have you seen ''that'' before in a gift shop? 
:'''Strange''': ''[After a long beat]'' Teach me.
:'''The Ancient One''': No.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Strange''': ''[After Mordo hands him a card that reads &quot;Shamballa&quot;]'' What is this? My mantra?
:'''Mordo''': It's the Wi-Fi password. We're not savages.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strange is experimenting with time manipulation using the Eye of Agamotto.]''
:'''Mordo''': ''[Bursting in]'' '''STOP!''' Tampering with continuum probability is forbidden!
:'''Strange''': I was just doing exactly what it said in the book!
:'''Wong''': And what did the book say, about the dangers of performing that ritual?
:'''Strange''': I don't know, I hadn't gotten to that part yet.
:'''Mordo''': Temporal manipulations can create branches in time. Unstable dimensional openings! Spatial paradoxes, time loops! You want to get stuck experiencing the same moment over and over again forever, or never having existed at all?!
:'''Strange''': They really should put the warnings before this stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Kaecilius is invading the New York Sanctum]''
:'''Kaecilius''': How long have you been at Kamar-Taj, Mister...
:'''Strange''': ''Doctor''.
:'''Kaecilius''': Mister Doctor?
:'''Strange''': It's ''Strange''.
:'''Kaecilius''': Maybe. Who am I to judge?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Ancient One talks to Doctor Strange in their astral forms as she dies]''
:'''The Ancient One''': I've spent so many years peering through time, looking at this exact moment. But I can't see past it. I've prevented countless terrible futures, and after each one, there's always another, and they all lead here but never further.
:'''Strange''': You think this is where you die.
:'''The Ancient One''': You wonder what I see in your future?
:'''Strange''': No. Yes.
:'''The Ancient One''': I never saw your future, only its possibilities. You have such a capacity for goodness. You've always excelled, but not because you crave success, but because of your fear of failure.
:'''Strange''': It's what made me a great doctor.
:'''The Ancient One''': It's precisely what's kept you from greatness. Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all.
:'''Strange''': Which is?
:'''The Ancient One''': It's not about you. When you first came to me, you asked me how I was able to heal Jonathan Pangborn. I didn't. He channels dimensional energy directly into his own body.
:'''Strange''': He uses magic to walk.
:'''The Ancient One''': Constantly. He had a choice, to return to his own life or to serve something greater than himself.
:'''Strange''': So I could have my hands back again. My old life?
:'''The Ancient One''': You could, and the world would be all the lesser for it. I hated drawing power from the Dark Dimension, but as you well know, sometimes, one must break the rules in order to serve the greater good.
:'''Strange''': Mordo won't see it that way.
:'''The Ancient One''': Mordo's soul is rigid and unmovable, forged by the fires of his youth. He needs your flexibility, just as you need his strength. Only together do you stand a chance of stopping Dormammu.
:'''Strange''': I'm not ready.
:'''The Ancient One''': No one ever is. We don't get to choose our time. ''[Takes his hand]'' Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered, and your time is short. You'd think after all this time, I'd be ready. But look at me. Stretching one moment out into a thousand…just so that I can watch the snow.
:''[Her grasp on Strange's hand vanishes as she dies.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strange regroups with Mordo in the New York Sanctum following the Ancient One's death]''
:'''Strange''': She's dead.
:'''Mordo''': You were right. She wasn't who I thought she was.
:'''Strange''': She was complicated.
:'''Mordo''': Complicated. The Dark Dimension is volatile, dangerous. What if it overtook her? She taught us it was forbidden while she drew on its power to steal centuries of life.
:'''Strange''': She did what she thought was right.
:'''Mordo''': The bill comes due. Don't you see? Her transgressions led the Zealots to Dormammu. Kaecilius was her fault, and here we are in the consequence of her deception. A world on fire.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strange enters the Dark Dimension to bargain with Dormammu]''
:'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain!
:'''[[w:Dormammu|Dormammu]]''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY WORLD, LIKE ''ALL'' WORLDS.
:''[He disintegrates Strange easily. The loop resets]''
:'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain.
:'''Dormammu''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY... ''[realizes he's repeating himself]'' ''WHAT IS THIS?'' ILLUSION?
:'''Strange''': No, this is real.
:'''Dormammu''': GOOD.
:''[He kills Strange again, resetting the loop again]''
:'''Strange''': ''[bored]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain.
:'''Dormammu''': WHAT IS HAPPENING?
:'''Strange''': Just as you gave Kaecilius powers from your dimension, I brought a little power from mine. This…is time. Endless looped time.
:'''Dormammu''': ''YOU '''DARE!?'''''
:''[He kills Strange again, and the loop resets]''
:'''Strange''': ''[Re-appearing]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain.
:'''Dormammu''': YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOREVER.
:'''Strange''': Actually, I can. This is how things are now! You and me, trapped in this moment, ''endlessly''.
:'''Dormammu''': THEN YOU WILL SPEND ETERNITY DYING!
:'''Strange''': Yes, but everyone on Earth will live.
:'''Dormammu''': BUT YOU WILL SUFFER!
:'''Strange''': Pain's an old friend.
:''[Dormammu kills Strange again and again, the loop resetting every time]''
:'''Dormammu''': '''''END THIS! YOU WILL NEVER WIN.'''''
:'''Strange''': No. But I can lose. Again. And again. And again. And again, forever. That makes you ''my'' prisoner.
:''[Dormammu kills Strange twice more; the loop resets after each death]''
:'''Dormammu''': '''''NO! STOP! MAKE THIS STOP! SET ME FREE!'''''
:'''Strange''': No. I've come to bargain.
:'''Dormammu''': '''WHAT DO YOU WANT?!'''
:'''Strange''': Take your zealots from the Earth. End your assault on my world. Never come back! Do it, and I'll break the loop.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Strange returns from the Dark Dimension.]''
:'''Kaecilius''': Isn't it beautiful? A world beyond time? Beyond death?
:''[Strange lands behind Kaecilius]''
:'''Kaecilius:''' What have you done?
:'''Strange''': I made a bargain.
:'''Kaecilius''': ''[notices himself and his remaining Zealots slowly fading away]'' What is this?
:'''Strange''': Well, it's uh, it's everything you've ever wanted. Eternal life as part of the One. ''[Strange breaks into a wicked smirk]'' You're not going to like it.
:''[Kaecilius and his remaining Zealots are sucked into the Dark Dimension]''
:'''Strange''': ''[To the departed Kaecilius]'' Yeah, you know, you really should've stolen the whole book, because the warnings... the warnings come ''after'' the spells.
:''[Strange and Mordo hears Wong chuckling and turn their attention to him.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Mid-credits scene: Thor is meeting with Strange. The scene also appears in ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'']''
:'''Thor''': So Earth has... wizards now, huh?
:'''Strange''': Tea?
:'''Thor''': ''[finds himself holding a cup]'' I don't drink tea.
:'''Strange''': What do you drink?
:'''Thor''': Not tea.
:''[Strange uses his powers to transform the cup into a large mug of beer; Thor drinks deeply]''
:'''Strange''': So I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother, Loki, is one of those beings.
:'''Thor''': It's a worthy inclusion. ''[the mug refills itself]''
:'''Strange''': Yeah. So why bring him here to New York?
:'''Thor''': It's a bit of a long story. Family drama, that kind of thing. But we're looking for my father.
:'''Strange''': Oh, okay. So if you found Odin, you'd all return to Asgard promptly?
:'''Thor''': Oh, yes. Promptly.
:'''Strange''': Great. Allow me to help you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Post-credits scene: Mordo visits Pangborn in his workshop.]''
:'''Pangborn''': Can I help you?
:'''Mordo''': They carried you into Kamar-Taj on a stretcher. Look at you now, Pangborn.
:'''Pangborn''': Mordo. So what can I do for you, man?
:'''Mordo''': I've been away for many months now, and I've had a revelation. The true purpose of a sorcerer is to twist things out of their proper shape. Stealing power. Perverting nature. Like you.
:'''Pangborn''': I've stolen nothing. This is my power. Mine.
:'''Mordo''': Power has a purpose.
:''[Pangborn picks up a crowbar and tries to attack Mordo, who strips him of his powers and restores his paralysis.]''
:'''Pangborn''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Mordo''': Because I see, at long last, what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers.

== Taglines ==
* Expand your mind.
* Open your mind. Change your reality.
* Question reality. Change your destiny.
* The impossibilities are endless.

== Cast ==
*[[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] as [[w:Stephen Strange (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Dr. Stephen Strange]]
*[[w:Chiwetel Ejiofor|Chiwetel Ejiofor]] as Karl Mordo
*[[Rachel McAdams]] as Christine Palmer
*[[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]]
*Michael Stuhlbarg as Nicodemus West
*[[Benjamin Bratt]] as Jonathan Pangborn
*Scott Adkins as Lucian
*[[w:Mads Mikkelsen|Mads Mikkelsen]] as Kaecilius
*[[w:Tilda Swinton|Tilda Swinton]] as the Ancient One

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{IMDb title|1211837|Doctor Strange}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=doctor_strange_2016|title=Doctor Strange}}
* {{Mojo title|marvel716|Doctor Strange}}
* {{Official website|http://www.marvel.com/doctorstrange}}
* [http://www.magicalquote.com/movie/doctor-strange/ Doctor Strange] quotes at the MagicalQuote

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    <title>Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)</title>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town &amp;ndash; and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': O...kay... there are probably some issues around that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya: Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': [ grunts ] Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <text bytes="132709" sha1="kusifjr1vkeaylx7k7484qfau7lv0fi" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': O...kay... there are probably some issues around that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya: Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': [ grunts ] Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <text bytes="132938" sha1="7bd5nvph3pr682dp1zhmlrb7400duql" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya: Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': [ grunts ] Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:25:59Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="132937" sha1="2lpnnjxyrr55eivzhwn0il6v4dlz6qk" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya: Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': [ grunts ] Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3607109</id>
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      <text bytes="133342" sha1="27j8dwaqtzceebfl45slxbs21139838" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya: Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': [ grunts ] Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <parentid>3607109</parentid>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* The Enemy of My Frenemy */</comment>
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      <text bytes="133348" sha1="pj6ev5z89afv8ucltia8dfmstaix0y6" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[ gasps ]'' Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': ''[sobbing]'' Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:32:03Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* The Enemy of My Frenemy */</comment>
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      <text bytes="133367" sha1="k8ie4eqnv1g1lnl5njbjnj48cyxmya5" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in Legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': (''To Charmcaster'') Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': (''gasps'') Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <parentid>3607177</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:33:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A02:2F01:6C06:6500:55B6:584B:E8A0:763E</ip>
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      <comment>/* A Knight to Remember */</comment>
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      <text bytes="133392" sha1="2birwuriuocnuyqs7ao299ed3rvfx0a" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''To Conduit Edwards'') One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in Legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': (''To Charmcaster'') Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': (''gasps'') Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607183</id>
      <parentid>3607182</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:33:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A02:2F01:6C06:6500:55B6:584B:E8A0:763E</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* A Knight to Remember */</comment>
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      <text bytes="133406" sha1="ds4uwyy5vwci8urisbhuclu2lvvmwh7" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': Diagon won't food! If I am to heal, I need power!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''To Conduit Edwards'') One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': (''angrily'') Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in Legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': (''To Charmcaster'') Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': (''gasps'') Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': (''enraged'') Dagon won't food?! If I am to heal, I need power?!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': (''To Vilgax'') Great Dagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''To Conduit Edwards'') One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': (''angrily'') Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in Legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': (''To Charmcaster'') Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': (''gasps'') Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607190</id>
      <parentid>3607188</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:42:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A02:2F01:6C06:6500:55B6:584B:E8A0:763E</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* A Knight to Remember */</comment>
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      <text bytes="133425" sha1="kcwr2lxx94vq182u0xqjb7opoxt2dv2" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]]
----
The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''.
==Episodes 33–52==
===The Purge===
:''[Old George arrives with two high-tech Forever Knights.]''
:'''Old George''': [''Entering''] Be seated, Driscoll. Their heresies are no greater than your own. Enoch, Patrick, Urien. Each of your houses would lay sole claim to the legacy of the Forever Knight. Yet you all have strayed from the true path of our order.
:'''Driscoll''': (''Angrily'') Our order?
:'''Old George''': Your petty squabbles have allowed unspeakable monsters to roam the Earth at liberty. Disgraceful.
:'''Driscoll''': I don't know who you are, old man, but I advise you to choose your next words carefully.
:'''Old George''': There is not one among you fit to wear the symbol of the order.
:'''Driscoll''': Knights! Teach this dog to hold his tongue.
:''[Four Forever Knights charge at Old George and the two high-tech Forever Knights. A high-tech Forever Knight pulls out a spiked bolo from a metal plate on his arm. He throws it towards one knight, which wraps around him and electrocutes him, causing the knight fly back into another knight. The other high-tech Forever Knight uses a red energy shield to block a strike from a knight's sword, then strike him in the face, sending him flying across the table. The high-tech knight blocks another strike from another knight's sword and uses his red energy sword to cut the knight's sword in half.]''
:'''Driscoll''': ''[With his sword drawn]'' Stand down. Let this be a fight between men.
:''[Driscoll charges at Old George and starts swinging his sword at him. Old George avoids the swings, then jumps into the air and kicks Driscoll in the face, knocking him down.]''
:'''Driscoll''': Who are you?
:'''Old George''': To know my name, you have only to look at the tapestries that decorate your halls.
:'''Driscoll''': ''[Realizes who Old George is]'' You. ''[Kneels before Old George]'' M'lord. All hail George. Founder of the order. The original Forever Knight.
:''[The Forever Knights kneel before Old George.]''
:'''Old George''': Let the discord that has divided us be forgotten. From this day forward, the knights of the order stand together as one. Now, rise, brave knights&amp;ndash; ''[The knights stand up]'' &amp;ndash;for I have been away too long, and there is much to be done.

----
:'''Driscoll''': M'Lord, I have failed you, worse, I fear I've broken our code.
:'''Old George''': It's not important, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': But sir, I was defeated in single combat and yet&amp;ndash;
:'''Old George''': Honor means nothing than fighting these alien abominations, young Tennyson and his friends are but a momentary distraction, in the morning, I shall be leaving on a noble quest.
:'''Driscoll''': Quest, M'Lord, where, for what purpose?
:'''Old George''': (''chuckles'') Even now you have doubts, well in spite of your lack of faith or perhaps because of it, I want you to rule in my absence.
:'''Driscoll''': What would you have us do, M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': Simply carry on the work of the order as you see fit, all I ask is that upon my return, the Knights be ready.
:'''Driscoll''': Ready for what M'Lord?
:'''Old George''': The Battle of a Hundred Lifetimes.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not in the mood for one of your con jobs.
:'''Argit''': Gwen, I'm insulted. No-no. I'm wounded. Wounded by your baseless accusations. Remember all the good we've done together?
:'''Gwen and Ben Tennyson''': No!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yes.

----
:'''Argit''': (''shuffling through the Forever Knight relics'') Wherever they went, they left some choice stuff behind.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Leave it, Argit. It's not worth the hassle, trust me.
:'''Argit''': Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': At least we're working as a team.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Friends do not use friends as ammunition.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Whoa! Hey, Tennyson!
:'''Lodestar''': I didn't tell you to absorb metal!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good point.

----
:''[Kevin gets his hand cut off by a Forever Knight but he grows it back]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[looking at his fingers]'' Five. Good.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Ben sees Gwen and Kevin fighting the Forever Knights]'' Let's see how these metal heads like my magnetic personality. ''[Transforms into Upchuck]'' 
:'''Upchuck''': Upchuck. Great, I'll spit at them!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''about the alien food market'') Wow, did it always smell like this? How could I not notice?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Last time you were here, you were twelve. Before you discovered personal hygiene.

----
:'''Driscoll''': My strength comes from the conviction of my beliefs. And of course, my powered armor.

----
:'''Driscoll''': Free or not &amp;ndash; your choice remains, Ben Tennyson.
:'''NRG''': Okay, then. I choose &amp;ndash; single combat, sir knight. I challenge you to a duel.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If I win, these aliens go free, and you leave the other aliens on Earth alone &amp;ndash; forever.
:'''Driscoll''': And when I win, Ben Tennyson, you all die.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, go for Way Big. That would be hilarious.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': If this is going to work, I have to fight with honor. So no tricks. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Spidermonkey''': Spidermonkey! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Driscoll'') Maybe you've forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times that I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your very short lives.

===Simian Says===
:'''Azmuth''': Eunice, I put you on Primus precisely so I wouldn't have to deal with these mundane trivialities. Send some voliticus biopsis out for a fresh sample and stop pestering me!
:'''Eunice''': ''[mimicking Azmuth]'' &quot;Stop pestering me.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are at Mr. Smoothy, laying on their cars while gazing up at the stars in the night sky]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, do you guys realize it's been two days since anyone tried to kill me, arrest me, or ask me for an autograph?
:'''Simian''': ''[appearing]'' Then let me apologize in advance for my timing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, well, well. If it isn't the con artist formerly known as Prince.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simian?
:'''Simian''': Wait! I can certainly understand your ire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angrily]'' You lied to us, Simian… used us and sold us out to the Highbreed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you telling me you willingly brought a Xenocyte to your homeworld and let it loose on some crime boss?
:'''Simian''': I didn't turn it loose. ''He'' did. And now the DNAliens are spreading all over. In a few days there won't be a single unaffected arachnichimp on the planet. ''[desperate]'' I…I need your help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not buying it. Nobody's that stupid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe. But can we really take that chance? A whole planet full on innocent arachnichimps turned into mutant monsters?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It won't hurt to check it out. If he's telling the truth, we need to do something about it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And if it's another con?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then he's all yours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look what I found, the genetic repair guns we used to cure the DNAliens back on Earth. Good thing we held onto these bad boys.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just hope we have enough ammo to cure a whole planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure gets dark fast around here.
:'''Simian''': The forest is always dark below the canopy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not much heat either, huh?
:'''Simian''': That's not normal. It certainly never snows here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Probably weather machines. The DNAliens like it cold.
:'''Simian''': Mizaru's palace is this way.
:''[Along the way, Ben's Ultimatrix starts beeping]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hold up. The Ultimatrix is detecting a signal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': DNAliens?
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Unitrix? Eunice is here?
:'''Kevin Levin''': All right, monkey boy, spill.
:'''Simian''': I don't know. And if it doesn't have anything to do with saving this planet, I don't care. 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's where we differ. Before we do anything else, we're going to find Eunice. 
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Matrix core detected in range. Version code -- Unitrix.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This way.
:''[Gwen, Kevin, and Simian follow him, but once they arrive at Eunice's location, she is nowhere to be seen]''
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''You have arrived at the matrix core. Version code -- Unitrix. Ending route guidance system.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't get it. It says she's right here. 
:'''Simian''': Directions are different in the trees. You're thinking in two dimensions. Look out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[as the DNA repair guns are having no affect on the DNAlien Arachnichimps]'' The genetic repair guns aren't working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ultimatrix, revert DNAliens to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What? Uh... repair genetic damage to Arachnichimps!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Insufficient power for this operation.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''trying to get the Ultimatrix working'') Man, I miss my old Omnitrix. Got enough power for this? (''Transforms into Terraspin'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Parallel signal interference detected. Ultimatrix resetting.''
:'''Terraspin''': Are you kidding?! No bars?! Cancel! Unreset! I mean &amp;ndash; Ultimatrix: Abort Reset &amp;ndash; Code 10!
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''That function is not available.''
:(''Terraspin reverts to Ben'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stupid Ultimatrix!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Eunice appears and saves Ben from the Arachnichimp DNAliens'')
:'''Eunice''': Ben! I'm glad to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too, except that your Unimatrix is interfering with my Ultimatrix. If you're absorbing powers I can't change!
:'''Eunice''': Never change. (''kisses Ben on the cheek'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simian''': ''[to Eunice]'' How come you fight so much like an Arachnichimp?
:'''Eunice''': Because I'm a Unitrix. I can take on the powers of whatever creatures are near me.
:'''Simian''': Like a living Omnitrix.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Now he's trying to figure out how much he could get if he sold you.
:'''Eunice''': Follow me.
:''[The team and Simian follow her to a hideout where an Arachnichimp family is hiding]''
:'''Haplar''': Eunice, thank goodness you're back.
:'''Eunice''': This is Haplar and his family. ''[gestures to Simian]'' Other than your friend here, they're the only unaffected Arachnichimps I've seen in days. I came here to investigate irregularities with the Arachnichimp DNA in the codon stream on Primus, but as soon I got near the planet, my ship was blasted out of the sky. ''[flashback to the events; voice-over]'' I didn't even have enough time to grab my equipment before I was captured. The DNAlien Arachnichimps brought me and what was left of my ship to their leader, Mizaru. Mizaru didn't know me, but he recognized my ship as Galvan and decided to hold me for ransom. I had to get out of there and try to save the rest of the Arachnichimps from pending extinction. ''[end of flashback]'' I've been on the run ever since. I met Haplar a short time later, and I've been helping his family to hide and find food, but we can't hold out forever. They may very well already be the last of their kind.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We came to help, but I'm not sure how. The DNA repair guns we brought from Earth didn't work.
:'''Eunice''': Those guns were built to restore human DNA. Naturally, they have no affect on Arachnichimps.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Naturally.
:'''Eunice''': As for the Ultimatrix, Azmuth gave me a one-way sub space connection to Primus so I can upload DNA samples.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': &quot;Parallel signal interference.&quot; That's why your powers aren't working.
:'''Eunice''': Oh. I'll…shut it off.
:'''Ultimatrix''': ''Link to Primus re-establish. All functions available.''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's more like it. Now I can cure the DNAlien Arachnichimps. 
:'''Eunice''': No. The Ultimatrix doesn't have that capability. But the equipment in my ship does. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then what are we waiting for? We go to your ship, zap all the mutant monkeys back to normal, and we're home in time for dinner. 
:'''Eunice''': I was hoping you'd say that. Come, Haplar. It's time. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait. Why does he have to go? 
:'''Eunice''': Because I need an original DNA sample for my equipment to work. Haplar volunteered. 
:'''Simian''': You stay with your family, Haplar. This mess is partly my fault, anyway.
:'''Kevin Levin''': &quot;Partly?&quot;
:'''Simian''': ''I'll'' provide the DNA sample. Let's get going. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Get in there. Eunice may need your computer smarts to pull this off.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, but if you need my help.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin getting annoyed about Eunice driving the plane'') Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time maybe, but I am telling you a leopard doesn't change its spots and an arachnachimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We had a deal!
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': What possible reason could I have for keeping a deal with you, Ben Tennyson. I have all the power. You have nothing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have THIS! [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Swampfire''': SWAMPFIRE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Swampfire''': (''trying to turn Eunice back to normal'') This is either genius, or the the worst idea I've ever had.
:'''Ultimatrix''': [''Swampfire resets the Unimatrix and discharges the Ultimatrix''] Ultimatrix power depleted. Entering recharge mode.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Eunice appears''] Genius.
:'''Eunice''': Thank you, Ben. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll cry like a little girl. Step right up. I got plenty for everybody.
:'''Eunice''': [''about Kevin''] You've got yourself a good one there.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': When it comes to life and death situations. Still working on the day today.
:'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're dealing with here, do you, boy?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I've fought your kind  before... just another Highbreed slave who doesn't know his masters have been defeated.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': Is that what you think? The Xenocite Queen tried to control me, but I was too strong. I control it! I control all!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, that makes you, what... Queen Kong?
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': It makes me more than DNAlien, more than Mizaru. I am your doom. One scrawny chimp against the power of this entire world... that's your plan?
:'''Spidermonkey''': I wouldn't call it a plan, per se. More of a guideline, really.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Gwen! I'm not crying yet, but I'm a little teary eyed!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Almost done!
:'''Eunice''': I'm scanning in Simian's DNA now.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': You're no match for me. I control the DNAliens through nothing but my force of will.
:'''Spidermonkey''': Your mother must be very proud.
:'''DNAlien Mizaru''': She was one of the first to be transformed!
:'''Spidermonkey''': O...kay then.. (''activates Ultimatrix'')
:'''Ultimate Spidermonkey''': Ultimate Spidermonkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Xenocyte deattaches from Mizaru'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The cure didn't work on you... Wait. Is that your real face? Sorry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mizaru''': Ben Tennyson! You have made a dangerous enemy this day. Mark my words, you have﻿ not heard the last of Mizaru!
:(''Root Shark comes from the ground and eats Mizaru. Everyone has shocked looks on their faces'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And now we've heard the last of Mizaru.
:'''Eunice''': You're sure you don't mind taking me back to Primus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. It's only a few hundred light years out of our way.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or not. Azmuth moved it, remember?
:'''Eunice''': That's okay. I'll drive.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's just cheesed because I was right about Simian and he was wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': This time, maybe. But I'm telling you... a leopard doesn't change its spots, and an arachnichimp doesn't change its... blue fur stuff.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know, Kev. Simian could have taken all that power for himself, and he turned it down. I think all this really got through to him.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, what happened to the DNA repair guns?
:'''Simian''': A pleasure doing business with you.

===Greetings from Techadon===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fun was the fourteenth hole. Remember that miracle shot I made off of Lincoln's face?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Through Lincoln's face.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Video tape or it didn't happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': We're winning and Ben's on the Death Hole. There's no way we can lose.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Against Ben? There's always a way.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let's get this over with. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll get what data I can and safely dispose of it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why do you say &quot;safely dispose&quot; when we all know you've already lined up a buyer?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes me sound less greedy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': According to this there are two miniature golf courses with in 2 miles of here. When's good for you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I kind of thought we'd focus on the killer robot.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': When's... good... for you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll take Julie home and meet up with you later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Back when we were kids, did you ever think we'd become friends?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Slight chuckle''] No. I thought you were going to drive me insane &amp;ndash; me or Grandpa &amp;ndash; probably both.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': The robot we fought tonight was a custom job. Created by the weapon masters of Techadon. It must've cost a fortune. Somebody put a hit on you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not worried.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You should be. The Techadons will keep coming each one'll be stronger than the one before. And they won't stop until you're destroyed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll take him down with Goop ''[prepares the Ultimatrix, Kevin stops him]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea! Each robot learns from the one before. This one's gonna be harder to stop
:'''Ben Tennyson''': They're not so tough.They're big brute robots. And I got my own big brute. ''[Transforms to Rath]'' 
:'''Rath''': '''''RATH!!! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU MAYBE BIG, BUT RATH IS EVEN BIGGER!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot walks near him]'' '''''EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU'RE TALLER AND HEAVIER THAN ME... BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! 'CAUSE THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER... ''''' ''[Techadon Robot shoots him with a laser and lands on Mr. Smoothie, Rath rubs his head]'' '''''AWW... RATH DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THE REST OF THAT GOES... THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL!!!! THAT'S WHAT RATH WAS GONNA SAY!!! BY THAT LOGIC, YOU, BEING BIGGER THAN RATH, IS A DISADVANTAGE!!!! RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' ''[Techadon robot shoots a laser. Rath dodges and the laser hits Mr. Smoothie, destroying part of it. Rath, Kevin and Gwen look at the ruins of Mr. Smoothie sadly, Rath is the most affected]'' You... You broke Mr. Smoothie... '''''RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ''''' ''[Rath charges at the Techadon robot and wrestles it]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', CUSTOM-MADE TECHADON ROBOT, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO DESTROY ME!!! YOU CAN HURT ME!!! YOU CAN HURT THE THINGS I STAND FOR!!! YOU CAN EVEN HURT MY FEELINGS, IF I HAVE ANY!!! BUT NO ONE, AND I MEAN ''NO ONE''!!!!! HURTS THE SMOOTHY!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm going to find whoever ordered the hit.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Never happen. It can't be done.
:[''Gwen tosses Kevin a device'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': &quot;Can't be done.&quot; Stupid thing to say. [''Gwen leaves. Kevin stares at Ben''] Unless you're trying to goad her into doing something impossible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': [''about the mobile Techadon Robot creator''] It's indestructible.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! If there's one thing you're good at: it's breaking stuff.
:'''Big Chill''': True... If stuff doesn't break me first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Argit sent Vulkanus to Earth'')
:'''Argit''': You're a natural. Ever consider a career in the fast paced high salaried world of professional conartiste?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thanks for the help. (Gives Argit some alien money)
:'''Argit''': Anytime, Red.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': New Techadon more powerful than the other ones.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Big Chill''': And nothing I've used before is going to work on this one.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope
:'''Big Chill''': Am I forgetting anything?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably. Probably something bad for us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Safe and deserted. Just what I was looking for. Well, deserted, anyway.
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Sure!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo!
:'''Kevin Levin''': If it makes you feel any better, after it finishes you off, I'm gonna pound Vulkanus like nobody's business.
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': That does not make me feel any better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vulkanus''': [''to the Techadon Robot''] What are you looking at me for?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Problem?
:(''Kevin has set the ID mask to the evolved Ultimatrix symbol, the trio is staring at Vulkanus while the Techadon comes for him'')
:'''Vulkanus''': What have you done?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Tag. You're it.
:(''Vulkanus flies away from the Techadon'')
:'''Vulkanus''': I WISH I COULD HATE YOU TO DEATH, TENNYSON!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Need a spaceship? No problem. But ask Dad for a car? (''imitates'') Maybe for graduation!

===The Flame Keeper's Circle===
:'''Keeper Agent''': It is as I said. He has returned to us.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Then this is indeed a most historic day. The day that marks the return of Diagon &amp;ndash; the knowledge bringer.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Yep. I can't believe it took so long to convince you guys to come check this out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm completely disinterested in a tour of an office building. It is a puzzler.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': The Flame Keepers' Circle believe that thousands of years of ago, mankind was visited by benevolent aliens, who gave us the beginnings of technology.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Benevolent? I guess anything's possible...

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': They've sure got a swanky set up. What do they do for money again?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They take donations.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sweet. Argit would love this place.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': They were excited to get me onboard. My celebrity can help raise awareness of their organization.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Your celebrity for being ranked 173 in Women's Tennis or for being the girlfriend of the Ben Tennyson?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': First of all I'm ranked 83! And I've only been in five tournaments.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Conduit's chamber. It's private.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') That's where he keeps the donations he bilks out of his suckers.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': The new age of mankind is about to begin. I would love to bring the Ben Tennyson on board with our cause.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh...
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''later, outside the building'') Don't think you scored any points with Julie back there.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''turning around'') Okay, so you're not into it. I get it. That's fine. But did you have to laugh in his face?!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, it was an accident. Sometimes I laugh inappropriately in awkward situations.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a terrible boyfriend.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah ha ha... heh... (''covers mouth, realizing that he just laughed inappropriately in an awkward situation'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm not talking to you.

----
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Does it ever occur to you that everything isn't always about you?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not really, no.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': In Ben's defense, you are way too smart to be buying into this junk.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which junk is that, Kevin? The using technology to help people junk? Or maybe the modernizing of hospitals and schools junk? So what is it, the existence of aliens?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well-
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically and pacing'') Oh... right, because we've never seen aliens before! How many different aliens can you turn into now? 50?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 63.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': And yet believing in aliens is laughable?

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Say Diagon is real... it still wouldn't be right to use his alien tech to change the planet.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's right. They've got rules for that stuff.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') I see. So only you're allowed to use alien tech to save the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right. I mean, no... that's not&amp;ndash;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''stalks off'') Never mind. Let's just drop it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I &amp;ndash; look, you said there's some sort of member's meeting tonight?
:(''Julie stops to consider'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': More tech talk with Conduit?
:(''shakes her head'')
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Forget it. I thought I wanted you here... but now I think it's best if you just leave.

----
:[''At Burger Shack'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wanna talk about it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Talk about what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The Julie thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. She's doing volunteer work for a crooked organization, and she can't even see it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on, guys. Give Julie some credit, she's not a dope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': True, but that doesn't mean she can't get in over her head.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': The ship got jacked on a routine run through this quadrant. What do you say we skip dessert and do a little follow up?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You guys can handle it without me, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Have some apologizing to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Only if I'm wrong.

----
:'''Vilgax''': I was wondering when you would find me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax? How can ''you'' be here?!
:'''Vilgax''': These days, they call me… the Diagon.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't care who these people think you are. I know the truth.
:'''Vilgax''': But how can it be? I can see your tiny human brain struggling to comprehend the impossible.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax, Conqueror of Ten Worlds, living in a fish tank in the VIP room of a bunch of people who believe that Santa drives a UFO. It's a mystery, all right.
:'''Vilgax''': I should have been dead. Our last battle-- the terrible explosion. ''[Flashback to the aftermath of the finale of '''Alien Force''']'' But just as you survived, so did I. Rather than being destroyed, I was lost to the sea. Too weak to revert to my normal form, I eventually washed up onshore… And was sold to a traveling carnival. Despite the indignity of my situation, it did provide me with food, shelter, and time to regain my strength. Recently, I was liberated by this collection of buffoons-- the Esoterica.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Flame Keeper's Circle. And this Diagon they're so obsessed with just happens to be some kind of space squid, too.
:'''Vilgax''': A most fortuitous coincidence, would you not agree?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So now you're a prophecy made to order-- their old alien pal finally making his promised return.
:'''Vilgax''': &quot;All hail Diagon.&quot; They'd do anything for me. Why, they just acquired for me a class 7 interstellar ship.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you going to do with it?
:'''Vilgax''': My followers think I'll use it to fetch some glorious alien tech stashed on nearby moon. Instead, I will find Psyphon, regain my lost powers, then return home to rule my empire.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't have an empire, genius. It fell after everyone heard you were dead. You know how it is, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
:'''Vilgax''': Those who resist my rule will be washed away in the tide of battle! My empire will rise again!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, about that-- not gonna happen.

----
:'''Conduit Edwards''': What will it be, Tennyson?
:'''Ultimate Big Chill''': Alright, you win.
:''[Ultimate Big Chill transforms from Big Chill to Ben. Ben lands on the ground.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I did what you wanted. Let her go.
:''[Julie and Conduit Edwards look at each other, then Julie releases Conduit Edwards' grip on her.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Approaches Ben]'' It's okay. He wasn't really going to hurt me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That's right, Ben. She wasn't my hostage. She was my accomplice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, you&amp;ndash; ''[Julie hugs him]'' What is going on here?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': It was the only way I could get Big Chill to chill out.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Release Julie's hug on him]'' You are fighting on the wrong side here. These people are dangerous. You don't understand.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're the one missing it. We don't need to fight. The stories were real. ''[Approaches Vilgax's tank]'' Diagon is back, and he's going to bring us the technology needed to heal the world.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, no! Stay away from him!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's not going to hurt me. He's about to bring a new Golden Age to all humanity. No sickness, no war. Don't you see?
:'''Vilgax''': He sees all too well, child. He sees a world where he's no longer special. A healthy, safe world where he is no longer needed.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': That is the real reason he stands in our way.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben's not like that. If you'd just let me explain it to him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't about me at all. Even if Diagon was real, using alien technology to accelerate a planet's natural development won't bring Utopia. It'll bring disaster. It's happened before. Why do you think the Plumbers have those laws? But even that's not the point! Because that isn't Diagon. His name is Vilgax! He's not a hero. He's a selfish evil warlord who's using you. And if you let him get in his ship, he's going to fly off and start an Interstellar Civil War!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's Vilgax? You telling the truth?
:''[Gwen and Kevin arrive.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': Mostly. Except for the flying off part, that ship isn't going anywhere.

----
:'''Vilgax''': Enough. Destroy the boy. Destroy Ben Tennyson!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Just so you know - I'm starting to take this personally. [''Activates the Ultimatrix'']
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[covering her ears from Echo Echo's shriek]'' I hate when he does this!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What?!

===Double or Nothing===
:''[Flying on Rust Bucket 3]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna eat that?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where have you, Ben?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I got stopped by some fans.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How long does it take to sign a couple of autographs?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, it's the least I could do for my adoring public.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean your paying public.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My what?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, Tennyson, looks like you got your own show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm telling you, it's just wrong.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pretending to be you in a stage show for money? Sure is... unless they pay you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Right? I mean, no. I mean, aren't there laws about this... facial copyright or something?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': According to their website, this show sells out everywhere it plays. People are driving all over to see you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Kind of seems like a compliment.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Compliment? Did you see that guy's hair?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay. Nice work on the priorities. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': Has it started?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hello?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't mind him. He's had a long flight. We'll take three, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilgax Actor''': Attention earthlings, I am Vilgax, the conqueror! Here on my moon base... on the moon! Surrender, or I shall destroy you!
:(''In the audience, Kevin whispers to Ben'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': Moon base?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I hear it's on the moon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': C'mon! Even you have to admit this is kinda of awesome.
:(''On the stage, Vilgax Actor is the top of a moon crater'')
:''' Vilgax Actor''': (''evil laughs'') You are trapped, Ben Tennyson! You cannot save yourself!
:(''Albedo (as Ben) It's now trapped behind on laser bars'')
:'''Albedo (as Ben)''': Well, In that case I have to call for a little help... from the Gwenettes! (''whistles'')
:(''10 Gwens with belly shirts come on stage and launch pink fireworks, referring to her mana powers'')
:(''In the audience, Kevin looks appreciating the ''Gwenettes'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': 10 Gwens...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That is so wrong!
:''' Kevin Levin''': Uh, Exactly what I was thinking...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Remember before we do anything, we find out all the facts.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when did you become the voice of reason?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Since you two became theatre critics.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am perfectly calm! ''[her hand glows]'' Okay. Now I'm perfectly calm. 
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't see what you're so sore about. I'm not even in the show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': (''takes off brown wig and turns to the team'') Ben Tennyson. We meet again.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo?! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Albedo''': I was about go out for some chili fries. Care to join me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I ''mean'', what are you doing with this show?
:'''Albedo''': Truth be told, I'm making the best of a bad situation. Thanks to you, I have no Ultimatrix and hence no way to fly myself away from this sad little planet your actions stranded me upon. Worst of all, I'm trapped in this repulsive human form! And since I needed some way to earn a living... I realized that the most fitting, if ironic, choice would be to make money off of you, so I created &quot;Ben 10 Live.&quot;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you just had your last curtain call. The show's over.
:'''Albedo''': [''shocked gasp''] And disappoint my fans?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''My'' fans!
:'''Albedo''': Whatever. (''throws a sound wave grenade on the floor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': This Ultimatrix is just an overgrown strobe light. Between that and the smoke, he blinded the audience long enough to cover the aliens' entrances and exits.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, you've been going around the country, doing this act for...
:'''Albedo''': Ever since I escaped from Vilgax's ship. Every second-rate resort, sales convention, and county fair. In one night, out the next.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But now you're going to stop, right?
:'''Albedo''': What? And give up show business?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Preparing to activate the Ultimatrix''] Oh I am so going to clobber you!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, but what's the point?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's the point? I'll tell you what's the point! How many times has Albedo stolen the Omnitrix or the Ultimatrix or kidnapped you or, might I add, tried to kill me?! And--and now here he is again, ripping me off, using my face to fool people and steal their money with this ridiculous dog-and-phony show!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Feel better?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A little.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben,  if you want to shut down &quot;Ben 10 Live,&quot; fine. My dad's a lawyer. Let him handle it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but--
:''' Gwen Tennyson''': I don't like him, either. But Albedo isn't a threat anymore. He's a nuisance.
:'''Albedo''': You needn't worry. Tonight was our last performance
:'''Hugh''': What?! B-but what about --
:'''Albedo''': I ''said'' we're done.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All right. But try anything like this again and I'll-- I'll--
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! That. ''[they leave a little later; thinking about Albedo]'' I still think he deserved a major beat down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': (''grabbing hold of Ben'') Albedo, run!
:'''NRG''': Hey, whose side are you on?
:'''Hugh''': Actually, that's kind of complicated.
:'''NRG''': Well, let me know when you figure it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as Ben and Albedo fight'') We have to do something!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Like take bets?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': I didn't say &quot;destroy.&quot; Actually what he's got planned is even crazier. The bomb is designed to rewrite DNA. So everyone on the whole world will be a genetic duplicate of Ben Tennyson.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's horrible! [''Ben glares at Kevin''] No offense. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''holding onto Albedo's leg'') You're not going anywhere! Uh-oh.
:''[the bomb explodes; destroying the warehouse]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galvin Albedo''': I'm getting off this backwater planet while the getting is good! With any luck, I will never see your hideous face again - in the mirror or in person.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Still trying to catch up. So you're saying that wasn't a doomsday bomb?
:'''Galvin Albedo''': A what?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A doomsday bomb. That was going to make everyone on earth look like me? Okay, now that I say it out loud, it does sound stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I get it. The thing on your chest was...
:'''Galvin Albedo''': Designed to focus the genetic-alteration field on me specifically.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Of course it was.
:'''Albedo''': What? No! It can't be!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why are you doing that?
:'''Albedo''': You imbecile! The Ultimatrix must have interfered with the alteration field. So now whatever I turn into, I'll always change back... to this!
:'''Hugh''': It's all ''my'' fault, Albedo. I-I brought them here.
:'''Albedo''': Why would you do that?
:'''Hugh''': Back home, I'm a nothing. But here on earth, I-I'm kind of a celebrity. At least I closely resemble a celebrity. Most importantly, I had friends, especially you. That's why I told Ben Tennyson, so he would stop you, so you wouldn't leave.
:'''Albedo''': I don't blame you, Hugh. (''turns and points to Ben'') I blame you! You did this to me! It's always you!
:'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo!
:'''Ultimate Echo Echo''': Ultimate Echo Echo! (in a monotone voice) By the way, I liked the sound-wave grenade you used at the theater. (surrounds Negative Rath with Sonic Disks) Want to see my version?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You want him? He's all yours. But he's not going to be very happy when he wakes up.
:'''Hugh''': I'll take care of him. He's my friend. Friends.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': There's no accounting for some people's taste in friends.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me about it. Seriously, I-I want to hear.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Listen. Sorry, I went a little nuts about that whole show thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': A little?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, a lot. I guess if you want to be a world-famous hero, you got to give up some stuff. Like privacy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''yawns'') I'm sleep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The one good thing to come out of this is, I'll never have to hear about &quot;Ben live&quot; again.
:'''Major Domo''': Mr. Tennyson.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes?
:'''Major Domo''': On behalf of the owners of the Nemesis Resort Hotel, I'd like to present you with this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it?
:'''Major Domo''': A summons. We're suing you for the damage you caused to our theater.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But... but...
:'''Major Domo''': See you in court.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is your dad home? I think I'm gonna need a lawyer.

===The Perfect Girlfriend===
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Thanks. See you in three weeks. That's a long time, isn't it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go up to the gate with you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Security won't let you in without a ticket.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure they will. What's the point of International Megastardom if I can't abuse it fora few more minutes with my girl. [''to Gwen''] Back in an hour, okay? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Go after her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I'm going after Ssserpent.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then go by yourself. [''to Julie''] Wait for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Why do I need a reason? Ben means more to me than some silly tennis matches. It's as simple as that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But to give up something you've worked so hard for.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': A girl's got to have her priorities. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''as they're about to go shopping''] You bringing Kevin?
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Sarcastically''] Nothing I'd rather do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So why do it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Because it makes her happy. And when she's not happy. I'm not happy. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, I love Ben. That's all there is to it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. But that doesn't mean you should make such a big sacrifice.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': That's what you do when you love somebody.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. You both make sacrifices for each other. What's Ben giving up? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think this all has to do something with Julie and Ship. Uh, remember how he barked at her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe he has dynsentary. Wonder who you take him to for shots: a vet or a mechanic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SWAT Team Member''': There may be hostages. We're waiting for backup.
:'''Goop''': I'm all the backup you need.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cop''': What did you do to him?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't Ssserpent. It's just his skin. He shed it. He's probably 50 miles from here by now. I gotta go.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Way Big''': This doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ben, I know you like her, but come on.
:'''Way Big''': All the enemies we've had over the years, any of them could've done this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Really? Animate buildings?
:'''Way Big''': Well... some of them. Three or four of them &amp;ndash; maybe. Julie can't do this.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So how'd she manage? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, I've done everything you've asked. And even things you didn't ask for. [''Julie starts morphing'']
:'''Elena Validus''': And I always will.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': I was Elena. But then I was Julie. But if you don't like them [''Elena changes into other people''] I can be anyone you want me to be. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Elena, what do you want?
:'''Elena Validus''': Does it matter?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It does! Kevin's changed a lot &amp;ndash; and for the better, since he's been with Gwen. If she'd just done everything he wanted. He'd still be the same old Kevin.
:'''Elena Validus''': I'll be more like Gwen if that's what you want.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's got to be what you want, Elena.
:'''Elena Validus''': Don't you understand? I just want you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's not enough! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': What are you going to do? Kill him? If you can't have him, no one can, is that it?
:'''Elena Validus''': I... I love him.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You don't know what love is. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Are you okay?
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': [''Elena's morphed into Julie''] Maybe I don't know what love is. But now I know what hate is. You'll see me again.

===The Ultimate Sacrifice===
:'''Red Robot''': After I beat you guys, everybody will know I'm the toughest guy in the galaxy!
:'''Humongousaur''': Toughest guy in the galaxy? That would be me!

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur! [''Ultimate Humungousaur Rage Mode Arm Blow Tentacle Damaged Red Robot Tail Strike And Missile &amp; Punch Red Robot'']]
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Dude What Are You Doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Red Robot''': I give up.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur continues to pound the robot''] Not... an option.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, calm down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': My name's... not... '''BEN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''as Ben and Ultimate Humungousaur are fighting over control of their body''] We gotta stop this before he hurts himself.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. [''Kevin hits Ultimate Humungousaur'']
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Enjoyed that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe a little.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': This is highly unusual.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dr. Borges, my aunt Sandra said you're the best psychiatrist in town... and she would know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Borges''': It's always good to begin at the psychological root. Tell me something about your relationship with your mother.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': My mother tried to eat me before I even hatched!
:'''Dr Borges''': Okay. There are probably some issues around that. You're Ben now, right? Was your childhood marred by any traumatic events?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, when I was , a clown at the circus scared me.
:'''Dr. Borges''': Not really what we're looking for, Ben. Any unusual dreams lately?
:'''Ultimate Humongousaur''': I dream of freedom from Ben Tennyson!
:'''Dr. Borges''': Ah, but you are Ben Tennyson.
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I am not a part of him! I am alive! I think! I feel! I'm sick of being held captive within this... this disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your own breath?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': I loathe you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''after Ben disappears''] You think he's dead
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't say that. I'd know if he was.
:'''Kevin Levin''': How?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I just would. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': I hate recordings, almost as much as I hate people telling me what to do!  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not real. You're just parts of me!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Echo Echo''': Liar! (''let out a sonic scream knocking him down. Sentient Ultimate Spider-Monkey then wraps Ben up with his web. Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur picks him up in his hand'')
:'''Sentient  Ultimate Humongousaur''': When are you going to get it through that thick skull? That we're not part of you.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Swampfire''': We're individuals with our own hearts and minds and will!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': And we're sick of being trapped here in the Ultimatrix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait Wait. This is the Ultimatrix?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': You've been our jailer Tennyson. (''puts Ben on the ground and starts dragging him away; The Ultimates walk with him'') But now you're our ticket out.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm too young to die and too famous, not to mention handsome and smart and talented and charming let's not forget that! But, if I am dead, chances are the place with the fiery red light is not where I wanna go! [''Earthquake''] Great! I'm dead and there's an earthquake.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungosaur''': It's not an earthquake. And you're not dead yet. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humongousaur''': I'm sick of being held captive within this, this... disgusting human!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's calling who disgusting? You ever get a whiff of your breath?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Ben transforms into Ghostfreak'')
:'''Ghostfreak''': Ghostfreak! (''Phases through Ultimate Spidermonkey's web'') Now, you're under my control! (''Bumps into Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur's chest'')
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': (''Laughs''), You don't understand anything, do you Tennyson? You can't control us! Not ever again!
:(''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill freezes Ghostfreak, who then becomes Heatblast'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brainstorm''': Listen whatever's going on here, I didn't do it to you. I'm one of the good guys, remember? I'm a hero.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Hero? You treat us like slaves! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': Time to pay for your sins, Tennyson!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey! Nobody picks on Ben but me! That's the way it works in families, right? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's enough!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, don't. If you use that power too long...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I risk losing my humanity. That's why I'm not wasting any more time. I'm destroying these transformations, Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, Gwen. Stand down.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stand down!
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': If this is some kind of trick...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No tricks. There's only one way out of this. In order for the Ultimates to live, I have to die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson may have messed up the Ultimatrix, but he's put himself on the line again, again. (''gets attacked'') He's risked his life a hundred times for people he didn't even know, for slobs like me, for jerks like you. He's a hero and more important...he's my best friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Azmuth''': You, Kevin Levin, are evolving. Perhaps there's the tiniest speck of hope for this universe after all. You could have called.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't get your number.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Before you &amp;ndash; let me say goodbye to Gwen.
:'''Sentient Ultimate Big Chill''': Do you think we're fools?
:'''Sentient Ultimate Humungousaur''': No. Let him say his goodbyes. He deserves that much at least.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's the plan?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No plan. I don't know why they branched off and became individuals, but I know that they deserve to be free.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So do you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ben kisses Gwen on the forehead''] Goodbye, Gwen. [''Ben walks to the pit''] You probably won't believe this, but I never meant for you to suffer, any of you. And I'm sorry.
:[''Ben pauses, then jumps into the pit''] 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I jumped into the pit. Why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
:'''Azmuth''': Your intention was what mattered to the Ultimatrix. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice everything in order to set them free &amp;ndash;genuine self-sacrifice &amp;ndash; more rare than Astatine or Francium. That's twice today I have found a small measure of hope &amp;ndash; a very disturbing pattern. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know about your guys, but I'm starving. Burgers?
:'''Kevin Levin''': My treat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your treat?  
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, it's the least I can do for my best girl. And my best friend.

===The Widening Gyre===
:'''Agent''': Standard operating procedure is to show up unannounced and demand that you come with us... But we know we're dealing with Ben Tennyson. So we're asking, would you please come with us? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Colonel Rozum. This must be pretty embarrassing.
:'''Colonel Rozum''': Embarassing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': He probably means the way we saved the Air Forces butt last time even though you were involved in all kinds of dirty ops.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's what I meant.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And now he needs another favor. 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Embarrassing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Colonel Rozum''': 18 months ago, my sister was on a ship that sailed too close to the vortex. After she went missing, I sent two of my best agents to investigate. They disappeared too. Now my bosses want me to shut the investigation down &amp;ndash; officially.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So you need someone to investigate &amp;ndash; unofficially. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after the Rustbucket III lands on the island of garbage'') This is unbelievable!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No kidding. I've never smelled anything this bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not since the last time you&amp;ndash;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let the easy ones go, Kevin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': This reminds me of that show.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What show?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The cartoon-- the one we used to watch when we were kids. You know, the one where they're always fighting polluters. A-and those five kids fought evil with like, the power to recycle? You know what I'm talking about. What was the name of that show? Was it like, &quot;Earth-Man&quot; or &quot;Major Green&quot;? Something like that? I have the theme song stuck in my head. ''[Humming]'' You know it, right? It's gonna come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''using a narrator's voice'') Meanwhile back in the garbage vortex, Gwen Tennyson makes a shocking discovery.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm glad you're taking this seriously, Kevin!
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''continuing to use his narrator's voice'') But Gwen Tennyson is not amused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': New arrivals. You're lucky to be alive. Though after a few weeks here, you might not feel so lucky.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were sent her to help.
:'''Agent Locke''': So were we. You see how well that turned out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': The only thing that matters is become victims to the all-powerful garbage patch!
:'''Agent Locke''': Excuse my partner. He's prone to being overly dramatic.
:'''Agent Bryson''': ''[curiously]'' Am I overly dramatic? Am I ''really?''
:'''Kevin Levin''': No way. This is like that other show that I used to watch. With the two agents who went around investigating weird stuff. What was the name of that show? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you stop talking about old TV shows for five minutes?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It'll come to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': If only we had power rings, like on that show that I can't remember the name of. They could harness their rings with the power to recycle-- or clean power…or something. Anyways, it was awesome. ''[turns to Gwen, who isn't listening]'' You're not listening to me, are you?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nobody's ''ever'' listening to you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Rozum was worried about his sister. Did you find her?
:'''Agent Locke''': She's here, but she's injured and needs medical attention.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No problem. Let's get the survivors off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': No one is going anywhere. ''[reveals himself]'' The humans cannot be allowed to leave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nobody mentioned the garbage could talk!
:'''Agent Bryson''': I was working up to it.
:'''Trash Monster''': The flow of trash has stopped. We were promised sustenance. We must have more garbage.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We can discuss this, negotiate something. But first we have to take the people off the island.
:'''Trash Monster''': The humans will not be allowed to leave. We will hold the humans prisoner until the flow of trash resumes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Should've known this would be trouble. Nothing that smells this bad can be good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agent Bryson''': I don't like it. You should come with us.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll be okay.
:'''Agent Bryson''': I wish I could believe that… I want to believe…
:'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! Am I the only one who sees this? Nobody else watches television but me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We were wrong. The monster wasn't ''on'' the island.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The monster ''was'' the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''mimicking a television announcer'') Once again, peace is restored to the planet, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our hero, Kevin Levin. (''notices the others staring'') …And friends.

===The Mother of all Vreedles===
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Gemete's-n-Things closes in half an hour.
:'''Centur Squaar''': M-m-m-Ma Vreedle?!
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Yep. Hi. Can't really chat now. Gonna shoot y'all. Steal the valuables. Make a clean getaway like that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Centur Squaar''': Take the money. Don't shoot me. I'm too young and witty to die.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': That's smart, you got nothing to lose by co-operating but money what ain't even yours.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhmm, and your dignity and trustworthiness...
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': And probably your job.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid!
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': We promised our daddy we was going straight. When we joined the Plumbers we said we wasn't gonnga steal, kill and blow stuff up and what-not.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Clearly Boid, we is what you is called redicultavating which condition I impute to love for Ma.
:'''Will Harangue''': Once again, NASA has reported sighting an incoming meteor heading straight for Earth at an unbelievable speed. Scientists worry that the impact could cause major disruptions to climate. Huh, there we go. Next thing you know, they'll be using it as an excuse to raise taxes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's get a look at these ruthless killers.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': [''On the monitor''] Who's my pretty boy? Oooh, that's right. You're my pretty boy.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ma Vreedle? [''Kevin turns the ship around'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are you going?
:'''Kevin Levin''': The other direction. Nobody messes with Ma Vreedle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': As in, Octagon and Rhomboid Vreedle's mother?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yep.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': She anything like her kids?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Less stupid, more mean.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you afraid of her?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Who's dumb enough not to be? [''looks at Ben''] Oh, man! ''[turns the ship around again next to the Vreedle's ship; to Ben]'' After we're dead, don't say I didn't warn you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[walking up to Ma Vreedle]'' I'm Ben Tennyson. ''The'' Ben Tennyson. We need to talk.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Talk away. I'm not here to cause trouble… Just a mother looking for a nice place to nest.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Do not trust her.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 	
:'''Spidermonkey''': Like water skiing without the water... or the skis.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're supposed to be Plumbers now. I thought you two were better than this.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Begging your pardon, but we ain't never been better than anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': As much as I would like to see precisely how Pretty Boy blows up.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': You're right. Ma would never forgive us.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You tricked me!
:'''Big Chill''': You're just getting that now? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Come out, miss. Before your friend get disincorporated. Family first they say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're family too. We're all Plumbers.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ain't that nice.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': On the contrary Rhomboid, we now got us a dilemma. Between what you call familial duty and fraternal type.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's it. Who's your real family? An Intergalactic Order of Peacekeepers or a bunch of pretty boys.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Rhomboid, this is one of those rare problems where you can't solve anything with violence.
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh no! 
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': It's nature versus nurture what lies at the crux of the issue. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Ma tried to blow us up.
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Which seems somewhat uncalled for.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you going to do about it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. What are you a man or a Vreedle? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': My own sons turn on me? I'll murderalize every last one of you! Then I'll murderalize your wretched pa! And then I'll murderalize everyone you know!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Ma, you are overreacting considerable.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': I'm overreacting? I'm overreacting?
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': That strikes one as ironic right there. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Chill''': Wait! I'm a mother too.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': You are?
:'''Big Chill''': Yes. Son I know how you must feel.
:'''Ma Vreedle''': Oh yeah? Where are your kids?
:'''Big Chill''': Off in deep space somewhere. That's probably not the best example.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Vreedle''': And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for my meddling kids! You're grounded! You're all grounded!
:'''Octagon Vreedle''': Boid, this is gonna require on boatload of therapy.

===A Knight to Remember===
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Hurry. He is very ill.
:'''Vilgax''': (''enraged'') Diagon won't food?! If I am to heal, I need power?!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': (''To Vilgax'') Great Diagon, there is only one source of such power, you heart.
:'''Vilgax''': My heart?! Of course. Bring it to me.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': But master, don't you remember? We cannot bring the heart to you. We must take you to it.
:'''Vilgax''': Then, do so at once.
:'''Plumber''': This is surveillance team B, target V is on the move. What do you want us to do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't let him escape. We're on our way.
:'''Plumber''': This is the Plumbers! Lay down your weapons!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We don't need weapons.
:'''Plumber''': Where they go. Hold your positions. There they are.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You have served Dagon well.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''To Conduit Edwards'') One problem. That guy in the truck is not Dagon, it's Vilgax. And he's been playing you all for suckers.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': How dare you even speak our master's name?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, use your heads. If he really is your almighty Diagon. Why does he need a truck to get around?
:'''Conduit Edwards''': Silence!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You two done being reasonable?
:'''Gwen &amp; Ben Tennyson''': Definitely.
:'''Rath''': Rath! Let me tell you something, Rath is gonna...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben?
:'''Kevin Levin''': You'll be fine, come on. Getting a little fustrated.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': They're climbing around on stairs in a parallel dimension.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Gotcha!
:'''Rath''': Let me tell you something, condiment. You ain't going nowhere. Huh?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, where are you... Oh.
:'''Rath''': Get the Plumbers out of here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Will do.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let's move it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry about your team.
:'''Plumber''': It's comes with a territory, Ben. We're all professionals. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Payback time?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''looks at the captured Esoterica agent''] Oh, for sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's coming around.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me help.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Winston?!
:'''Kevin Levin''': What do you know, squire handsome.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are we still doing the jealous thing?
:'''Kevin Kevin''': Maybe, if some real competition showed up. I'm really just wondering what a forever knight is doing hanging out with the flame keeper's circle.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be the glowy eyes.
:'''Winston''': Ah. Hello, you're a sight for sore eyes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Everybody's thrilled to see you too.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How long have you been in Esoterica?
:'''Winston''': Pardon?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': A follower of Diagon. The Dragon.
:'''Winston''': You're daft.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then, what's with the outfit? You going to a costume party?
:'''Winston''': This isn't possible. I must report to Sir Driscoll straight away.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, like we'd let that happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No, he's right. In fact, it's just what we want him to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Driscoll''': I wonder what this does.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Appearing from the side''] My suggestion, don't push the red button. That never goes well. 
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!
:'''Driscol''': How dare you come here?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No time for the usual twelve rounds, Driscoll. We have a crisis and you have a personnel problem.
:'''Driscoll''': You're talking gibberish.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, don't take my word for it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Seems like your boy, Winston, hasn't been feeling himself lately.
:'''Driscoll''': What did you do to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We didn't do anything, he's been under the control of the Diagon.
:'''Winston''': Forgive me my liege. In my weakness, I have dishonored the forever knights.
:'''Driscoll''': Sir Cyrus, squire is a traitor. You know what to do.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, let's not go all medieval here. Winston couldn't help it.
:'''Driscoll''': What do you mean?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You remember that cave with the seal. The one your guys busted open? But, well anyone who was near there could be under Diagon's influence.
:'''Diagon''': Yes! You are such simple creature! So easy to manipulate.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Gwen's eyes are glowing green and her voice has changed''] Gwen, you're scaring me a little. [''Gwen raises her glowing hands. Kevin backs off''] Okay, a lot.
:'''Diagon''': There is a pretender.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You mean Vilgax.
:'''Diagon''': Yes, He plans to steal the source of my strength. My heart.
:'''Driscoll''': The witch is possessed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Pipe down, tin man. You might make her angry.
:'''Diagon''': Heed me, if your Vilgax acquires my heart, he will have power enough to rule your universe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What was that, The Lucubra, that thing that came through the seal?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, the Lucubra was an insect compared to... It was Diagon and he's right. If Vilgax gets his powers, he'll be unstoppable.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How can Vilgax steal his heart? And how can Diagon even be alive without one? I don't understand.
:'''Driscoll''': Naturally, you've never understood anything about or our mission.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, then, educate me.
:'''Driscoll''': [''Reading the book''] The heart of the dragon is the essence of Diagon's life force, and our founder the original Forever Knight, captured it long ago. Perhaps, you've heard the story of Saint George and the dragon. Over the centuries, many cultures have laid claim to this tale. Embellishing it in various ways. Here is what actually happened. George was a noble knight, he served his king. But, defended the helpless wherever he traveled. One day, while in a far off land, he heard tale of a hideous creature. A dragon. To arrived without warning from out of thin air. Anyone who dared to challenge it met with a brutal death and became its slave. Sir George confronted the beast. It tried to seize control of his mind, but he was too strong. Diagon's powers were formidable, yet George fought on. And using the mighty sword Askalon, cut out the heart of the beast. And still it would not die. The Forever Knight cast the creature back into the pit from whence it came, and sealed it in, separated from its heart, the source of its unnatural power. So long as the sword pierces the dragon's heart, dragon cannot regain his full power. And we are safe.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You mean we were safe.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We need to protect the heart from Vilgax.
:'''Driscoll''': That is easily said but to protect it. We must first find it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What? You lose the adress?
:'''Driscoll''': Those who had fallen under the dragon's spell built in shrine around the heart it travels between Diagon's world and ours and it never appears twice in the same place.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But I'll George knows where to find it. Why don't we ask him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Ben, kind of hard to do a Q&amp;A with a guy who's been dead since the middle ages.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Except George, isn't dead, is he?
:'''Driscoll''': How did you know?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You talk about him like you know him personally. He's some kind of immortal, right?
:'''Driscoll''': His life is bound to the sword Ascalon, he cannot die. Nor can we question him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not in the mood the argue protocol, Driscoll.
:'''Driscoll''': The first knight has been missing for days. We know not where he's gone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Then we better find him, don't you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Driscoll''': [''Entering Old George's room''] These are his quarters. But these runes are undecipherable.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean? It's just calculus.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the matter? Don't they teach math in forever knight school?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh Huh. Okay. Mm hmm. Got it.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Got what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Latitude and longitude for the next place the shrine is going to appear. About four hours from now.
:'''Driscoll''': You have been most useful.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': I say we finished them off now.
:'''Driscoll''': They may yet be useful. In any event, we must now hurry to Sir George's side. Knights. The battle for which we have waited our whole lives is about to begin. Onward to glory.
:'''Old George''': How is it that you are here?
:'''Driscoll''': We tricked the witchling. She deciphered your calculations and then we.
:'''Old George''': None of that matters now. We must destroy the dragon's heart. Finally and forever.
:'''Sir Cyrus''': There lies the shrine of the dragon.
:'''Driscoll''': You will need a weapon, sire.
:'''Old George''': My weapon waits for me in the shrine. It is long past time I retrieved it. 
:'''Vilgax''': Incredible.
:'''Conduit Edwards''': You charlatan!
:'''Vilgax''': I have never felt such power. And yet I sense there is more.
:'''Diagon''': Yes. There is more. Infinite power awaits. But to gain it, you must break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': Tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Awful. Can't.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever took control of her messed her up pretty bad.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'll go talk to her.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Let me try. Just get us to the shrine, okay? Enough shuddering in silence. You want to talk about it?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the way Kevin flies...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can you please be serious for once?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I&quot;m sorry.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing was in my head - controlling me like a puppet. I cannot tell you how disgusting that was. Why didn't I fight it?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's like being angry at yourself for catching a cold. It's not your fault. Besides, if anyone's to blame for all this, it's me. The Knights, Vilgax, the Esoterica, and now the Diagon. I should have put it all together sooner.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': None of us saw it.
:'''Kevin Levin''': If we're voting on who to blame: I vote for Ben.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, it's okay, when he jokes around.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': In his defense, he's actually funny. You... Ah...
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen, what's happening?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I see the seal. And Vilgax, he's heading for it. Sir George and Driscoll followed him through, trying to stop at me. They're down. He just blasted them with one hand and they're all down?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're sure they're at the seal? That's thousands of miles away from where we're headed.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Even if we leave atmosphere and come back down, we're over an our away.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's no good. Gwen, I need you to teleport us to the seal.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Are you nuts? [''Kevin puts the Rust Bucket on autopilot and joins Ben and Gwen in the back''] She can barely do that when we're standing still. Now she's sick. We're going about a thousand miles an hour. And we're a mile up. It's too dangerous!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We really don't have a choice.
:'''Kevin Levin''': [''Kevin grabs Ben by his jacket''] What do you mean &quot;we?&quot; You're the one who was so busy playing hero that he missed the big picture. And you are not going to risk her life now because you screwed up!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can do it, Kevin. I have to.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait! Listen to me, Vilgax, you have no idea what you're doing.
:'''Vilgax''': I know precisely what I'm doing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Me too! Stopping you!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Diagon''': Break the seal, Vilgax. You reward will be more power than you have never known.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wake up, something's happening.
:'''Vilgax''': Hear me, Diagon. I am Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds. Soon I shall rule the whole universe. For your powers will be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Where's Vilgax?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gone. I think we won.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon won. He got Vilgax to do his dirty work. And now he's taken his heart back to his dimension.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Diagon has all his power again.
:'''Old George''': It's far from hopeless. [''Old George picks up his sword, and raises it''] Ascalon is mine once again. Now you will see what the dragon saw. [''The sword starts to glow'']
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop him!
:'''Sir George''': [''Old George reappears younger''] Let the dragon come.

===Solitary Alignment===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You need to put the sword down.
:'''Sir George''': Why would I do that, young Master Tennyson? Ascalon is mine.
:'''Azmuth''': [''Entering''] No. It's mine! 

----
:'''Azmuth''': And there's no reason to prolong this foolishness, give me my sword.
:''' Sir George''': Not while the Diagon lives. If you want it you'll have to take it from me.
:'''Azmuth''': You think I can't? I am Azmuth, creator of the Omnitrix, sculptor of worlds, smartest being in five galaxies, of course I can take it from you... Ben Tennyson take it from him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You got it!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, wait! Doesn't it seem a little&amp;ndash;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth is telling me to fight! You think I'm passing that up? (''transforms into Fasttrack'')
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack!

----
:'''Fasttrack''': [''after Fasttrack's attack fails''] I thought that would go differently.
:'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's good. He loses way faster than XLR8.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''when witnessing Diagon's true appearance which isn't shown on TV'') No.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I...I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, get us out of here, now. NOW!
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish.

----
:'''Sir George''': What? Let me go!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make me old man.
:'''Sir George''': Respect your elders, stripling. And by the way, hair pulling? Seriously? You fight like a girl.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''attacking Sir George'') Wrong! I fight like a girl.

----
:'''Sir George''': It would be dishonorable of me to destroy you when you are ignorant of the stakes &amp;ndash; to say nothing of the sword's true power. But be assured, the next time you get in my way - will be the last! [''George leaves; Kevin rubs his eyes'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': Man makes a convincing case. What do you think, Ben?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': [''Annoyed''] Ben is over there.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, I'm half blind, okay?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So I only half look like a guy? 

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Look, you're the one who's always yelling at me about going into a fight without thinking - without asking the right questions. So I'm asking. Don't I deserve to know?
:'''Azmuth''': Uh. [''Azmuth sighs''] Very well. Close your eyes.  

----
:'''Sir George''': I've been going easy on you. Stay down.
:'''Humungousaur''': Like that's gonna happen. 

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flasback''] I'm as curious as those forces as you. But I don't see the need to control them.
:'''Young Azmuth''': If you can't control something, you don't truly understand it.
:'''Zennith''': I understand you, Azmuth, and I'm sure you're beyond anyone's control.
:'''Young Azmuth''': All right, Zennith. I'll try things your way &amp;ndash; I promise.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Let me guess: you broke your promise.  

----
:'''Zennith''': [''Flashback''] It's irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.
:'''Young Azmuth''': It's not my job to worry about what happens next. What matters is what happens now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''End of flashback''] Well, that's true enough. [''Azmuth punches the back of Ben's head in rage''] Ow! What&amp;ndash;?
:'''Azmuth''': No, that's not true! That's the point of what I'm showing you! And I was once young and stupid as you are at this very moment. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Zennith was right after all. I swore to hide away the sword and to dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.
:'''Azmuth''': It was an apology for what I had built before.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And I turned it into a weapon. Funny how that worked out, huh?
:'''Azmuth''': Yeah. Hilarious. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': This sword is a weapon of terrible power. If wielded by one who is worthy, it cannot be stopped.
:'''Sir George''': If it is so formidable, why do you not wield it yourself?
:'''Azmuth''': Because I am not worthy. 

----
:'''Sir George''': [''Flashback''] Do not doubt me, wise one. Your gift may have saved humanity. [''George leaves. End of flashback'']
:'''Azmuth''': Saved it, or doomed it? After defeating the errant knights and the Lucabras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. [''Azmuth shows them George fight Diagon'']
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Horrified]'' No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I &amp;ndash; I can't watch. [''Gwen turns away''] I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth get us out of here now! '''''NOW!'''''
:'''Azmuth''': As you wish. 

----
:'''Azmuth''': Be careful, Ben Tennyson. You now know the stakes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I don't even bother getting out of bed in the morning unless the universe is on the line.

----
:'''Sir George''': Tell me, young master Tennyson; how can you, who has yet to live a single lifetime, know better than I, who has lived a thousand?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth has lived way more than that.
:'''Sir George''': Yes. And notice, he isn't here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but guess who is! (''transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur'')
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Ultimate Humungousaur!
:'''Sir George''': Big. But I've slain bigger! 

----
:'''Sir George''': Oh &quot;Azmuth says?&quot; You've had people second guessing you, Master Tennyson. Everyone from Azmuth, to your parents, to those jackals in the media. Does it not frustrate you? Their thinking that they know better than you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': A little &amp;ndash; yeah.
:'''Sir George''': Welcome to my world. 

----
:'''Sir George''': But mine have stood the test of time; mine have inspired millions! What will your legacy be? With what stars will you align? How many times have you known in your heart that your way is best? How many times have your plans been thwarted because the very people you're trying to help won't trust you?
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': What do you want?
:'''Sir George''': To be left alone. So that I can destroy my ancient enemy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': [''Ultimate Humungosaur changes back to Ben''] Fine. My friends and I will back off. But when you fail, the sword is mine.
:''[Sir George nods.]''

----
:''[Ben has just told Gwen, Kevin, and Azmuth about his deal with Sir George.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': So we stuck out our necks for nothing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No. This way we have two chances of destroying that &amp;ndash; whatever it is. George has earned the right to try it his way. Azmuth I think you shouldn't have tried to stop him.
:'''Azmuth''': You could be right.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I mean George says I'm like him. You say I'm like you. I'm just trying&amp;ndash; Wait. What&amp;ndash;? I'm right?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe the world is coming to an end.
:'''Azmuth''': I said you could be right. And it's not as if I've never made a mistake as you now know. All the reasons I built the Omnitrix and Ultimatrix- they're all true. But there's one more- the real reason. I was hoping she would notice.

===Inspector 13===
:''[Kevin is lying unconscious in his garage when Gwen appears, causing him to wake up.]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought we had an agreement: You stop sleeping in your garage, and I stop bugging you about sleeping in your garage.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Rubs his head, then gets up]'' Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No backing out now, Kevin. We promised Ben and Julie&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Grabs Gwen and moves her to his right side]'' Gwen, get back! Power up! This guy is&amp;ndash; ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is gone]'' &amp;ndash;completely not here anymore.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What guy?
:'''Kevin Levin''': This is bad. This is very bad. I think a weapon master of techadon was here. Now he's out there, somewhere.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait, the techadons? The robots?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not the robots, the guys who make them: The weapon masters.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, we beat them before, we can&amp;ndash;
:'''Kevin Levin''': You're not listening. We've never beaten those guys. We've never even met those guys. They don't leave their home planet, ever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Fine. So, one's here. What did he want in your workshop?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Don't know. He was talking gibberish making lists. He said something about the Omnitrix. ''[Realizes that Inspector 13 is going after Ben]'' He's after Ben.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It would be a really good idea to let me go right now! Don't you know who I am?
:'''Inspector 13''': Benjamin Kirby Tennyson. Terran. Human. Active Plumber agent. Planetary and galactic protector.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Guess you do.

----
:'''Hacking System''': Accessing Galvan code.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha! Good luck hacking the Ultimatrix you'll never...
:'''Hacking System''': Firewall 1 breach Firewall 2 breach Firewall 3 breach.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, okay. but there's no way you get Master Control Access.
:'''Ultimatrix''': Master Control granted.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''just as Inspector 13's blade is about to cut his hand off'') You cut it off me and BOOM!
:'''Inspector 13''': Boom? Please define &quot;boom&quot;.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': BOOM! As in &quot;big honking explosion&quot;. No more us. No more... whoever you are
:'''Inspector 13''': I am Inspector #13, Weapon Master of Techadon. You are implicated in my ongoing investigation of failed Techadon units.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're a Weapon Master. Nobody's ever even seen one of you guys.
:'''Inspector 13''': Correction. No one has ever seen us and lived.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is not a weapon.
:'''Inspector 13''': Perhaps, but it soon will be.

----
:'''Inspector 13''': Escape is not possible, terran. Surrender is the logical choice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I'm more of an intuition kind of guy.

----
:(''Gwen moans'')
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Gwen'') Are you ok?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not! I'm strapped to a torture table! 

----
:'''Diamondhead''': (''After being turned into Diamondhead and looks at Kevin who is now Jetray'') Kevin?
:'''Jetray''': Gwen?
:'''Ben''': (''Sarcastically annoyed'') Aw, come on!

----
:'''Diamondhead''': Ben!
:'''Ben''': Gwen. You're okay.
:'''Diamondhead''': Well, that sort of stretches the definition of &quot;Okay&quot;. We're trapped in your alien forms.

----
:''[Wildmutt spin out of control and his car flips over and crashed]''
:'''Clockwork''': For the love of--
:'''Wildmutt''': ''[Whinning]'' Not my ride!
:'''Julie''': At least we're here.
:'''Clockwork''': For all the good that does us, the army's been trying to get in there for weeks. What can we use if they can't?
:''[Ben pressed the Ultimatrix which turned Gwen into Humungousaur and Kevin into Way Big]''
:'''Humungousaur''': I withdraw the question.
:'''Way Big''': We'll crack it open like an egg.
:[''Ben pressed the Ultimatrix again which turned them both into Nanomech and Murk Upchuck]''
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Or not.

----
:'''Murk Upchuck''': This is too disgusting to be a superpower
:'''Nanomech''': It's the only way in.
:'''Murk Upchuck''': Fine.

----
:'''Rath''': Rath! Lemme tell ya somethin', unstoppable Techadon battle robot! (''rips off the Techadon's head, then crushes it'') You should've quit while you were still a head!

----
:'''Ampfibian''': Maniac cat girl is right.
:'''Rath''': Rath heard you, Kevin Ethan Levin!

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Boy am I stupid.
:'''Rath''': LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BENJAMIN KIRBY TENNYSON! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

===The Enemy of My Frenemy===
:'''Hex''': At long last, I've caught the little bookworm who's been stealing from my library.
:'''[Gwen grunts]'''
:'''Hex''': It won't work, Gwendolyn. The energy from your spells only makes the sphere more powerful. What I'm saying is you're about to face a final, crushing defeat.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wait! It's about Charmcaster!
:'''Hex''': What have you done with her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm trying to help her! Charmcaster took us to Legerdomain. We came back after we defeated Aggregor, but she stayed behind to fight Addwaitya.
:'''Hex''': She went back to Legerdomain? She's still there?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She said she wanted to avenge her father and free her people. I promised I'd find a way to go back and help her. That's why I needed your books.
:'''Hex''': Don't bother. If she's in Legerdomain, then my niece is already dead.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't understand! Aggregor stole the Alpha Rune! Addwaitya was practically powerless!
:'''Hex''': The book. Open it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's happening?
:'''Hex''': The true name of Legerdomain has been changed... And it changes again every few seconds.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But without the true name, there's no way to travel there.
:'''Hex''': A spell like that would require unthinkable power. After you defeated Aggregor, Addwaitya must have somehow regained the Alpha Rune.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then come with us. No matter how strong he is, if we combine our powers, we can beat him!
:'''Hex''': My brother give his life so that his daughter and I can escape that cursed dimension. I love my niece dearly, but i'm not about to go on a suicide mission. Take the book. Take whatever you want. Just leave me in peace.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughing'') Ohh. Hey, how come you guys aren't laughing?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm pretty sure she's serious.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I promised I'd go back to Legerdomain and help Charmcaster.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Charmcaster who always tries to kill you Charmcaster? You think you owe her a favor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is an evil, oppressive dictator. Don't we have a moral obligation to help fight him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nope.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Well, you guys let me know how it turns out, okay? I'll go fire up the rustbucket.
:'''Ben''': (''To Gwen'') So what's with the computer? You pirating spells on the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. I've written a spell that uses a predictive decryption algorithm on the computer to figure out the true name of Ledgerdomain before it changes..... if I can sync it up just right.
:'''Ben''': So you're like a magic hacker? (''Looked at Kevin'') Is my cousin cool or what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Here goes. I think it's working. Ynappis. Darn. Nekoboh! Nope. Nekwahweew!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That's the one.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry, before it closes!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I am so gonna regret this. Aah!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Not one of your better entrances. Looks a little different than last time.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a dimension made of magic. Things are bound to change quickly.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Some things haven't changed. Gwen, ease up. Your powers are supercharged here.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can you tie us together so we don't get separated... Magically, I mean?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Sure.
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! Hang on! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Ride? What are you... Whoa! Watch it, Tennyson! 
:'''Fasttrack''': Uh-oh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, there's a cave down here! Maybe I can swing over to it!
:'''Fasttrack''': Whatever you do, do it fast!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Aah!
:'''Fasttrack''': Out of the frying pan...
:'''Ignaceous''': Shield your eyes. Gir igi-nu! They won't return... For a while, at any rate.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Thank you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't know rock monsters could talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And english, too. 
:'''Ignaceous''': I speak many languages. I am Ignaceous, the scribe... at least, i was a scribe, long ago. We should keep moving.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your people were enslaved by Addwaitya?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya enslaved everyone, everything. Only a few of us dared fight back.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're looking for a friend of ours. She was fighting Addwaitya, too.
:'''Ignaceous''': I'm sorry, but as far as I know, I am the last of the freedom fighters. The rest were captured or slain during the chaos.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The chaos?
:'''Ignaceous''': Several months ago, Addwaitya simply disappeared.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Probably after Aggregor took the rune.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But with Addwaitya gone, everyone was free, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Indeed... free to pursue the throne themselves. The rebels became despots, each fighting for control. I wanted no part of the bloodshed.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But Addwaitya's not gone. I can sense him. I recognize his aura from before.
:'''Iganceous''': Hmm. I suspected as much. I've seen signs. Addwaitya has returned, no doubt more powerful than ever. If your friend still lives, she is Addwaitya's slave.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, it's back to plan &quot;A&quot;.... we go kick some turtle butt and rescue Charmcaster. You can take us to his castle, right?
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya's citadel lies in ruins. He must have a new stronghold, but where it might be, I cannot say.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's okay. I should be able to track him by his aura.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then let's get it over with. This dimensions creeping me out.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ignaceous, I can't ask you to fight, but. We're not from around here. We could use a guide.
:'''Iganceous''': Very well. I will accompany you to Addwaitya's stronghold, but after that... I make no promises.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure we're going the right way? I don't think there's room up here for a porta-potty, much less a castle.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Addwaitya is close. I know it.
:'''Ignaceous''': Addwaitya!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know who's in charge around here, but it sure ain't this guy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's happening to him?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That stone is draining his mana.
:'''Iganceous''': Don't! The stone transmits his power to whoever imprisoned him. If you disturb the flow, they will know we are here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We can't just leave him like this.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But if it's sending energy to the guy we have to fight, shouldn't we stop it?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Fine. Problem solved. What?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Liberatio!
:'''Ignaceous''': We should not release him! Addwaitya is dangerous. At least place a binding spell on him so he cannot use his powers.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': All right. Necte artes magicas! Addwaitya, who did this to you? Who took your powers?
:'''Addwaitya''': The usurper... Took my power, took my throne... took my world!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Addwaitya... This thief who stole your powers... you know where to find the thief, don't you? Take us to him, and we'll help you take him down.
:'''Addwaitya''': Down. Take the usurper down. Punish the thief. Vengeance! Come!
:'''Ignaceous''': This is a terrible idea!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I got to go with Iggy on this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': How else are we supposed to find the bad guy?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I feel like we've been walking for miles. Um, that is water, isn't it?
:'''Ignaceous''': Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Dude, teaming up with evil guys never ends well.
:'''Ben''': What about you?
:'''Kevin''': What about me? I'm not evil. I had a rough childhood.
:'''Ben''': What about Dr. Animo?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Sir Connor?
:'''Kevin''': Tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': Darkstar?
:'''Kevin''': Betrayed us and tried to kill us.
:'''Ben''': What about Vilgax? We saved his whole planet!
:'''Kevin''': And he died trying to kill us.
:(''Addwayta then cast a spell to bring a water creature to life'')
:'''Ben''': Okay. What about Charmcaster?
:'''Kevin''': Oh, yeah, 'cause that's worked out great so fa-a-a-r!
:'''Gwen''': Kevin! Aah!
:'''Kevin''': Seriously, I think I'm gonna hurl!
:'''Ben''': Hang on, guys!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Kevin''': Ugh. I did not see that coming.
:'''Gwen''': Ignaceous!
:'''Ignaceous''': Do not worry, my friends. We are a durable race. My wounds will heal in a few hours.
:'''Kevin''': We don't have a few hours.
:'''Gwen''': Kevin!
:'''Ignaceous''': No, he's right. You must follow addwaitya. Defeat him and the usurper. Free this land once and for all.
:'''Gwen''': I think Addwaitya is just on the other side of this ridge, but there's also mana... a lot of it, along with something I don't quite recognize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben implies that the stone draining Adwaita has to be destroyed, walks up to the stone, picks it up, throws it off the cliff, dusting his hands'') Problem solved. (''gets a glare from Gwen'') What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': It ain't easy, trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Addwaitya''': Usurper! Thief of magic! Come and face the mighty Addwaitya!
:'''Charmcaster''': Ugh! Okay, who let the old windbag loose?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Charmcaster?
:'''Addwaitya''': Insolent fool! Taste now the wrath of Addwaitya! Animo Arenam Ut Habem Vindic... Aah!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hmm. I was going to milk your power for a little while longer. But since you're being such a jerk about it... I might as well empty you out now.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Did she just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I'm pretty sure she did.
:'''Charmcaster''': You guys may as well come out where I can see you. [''Chuckles''] Even Ben Tennyson, his ridiculous cousin, and their thuggish sidekick can't stop me from draining the life-force from every living thing in this dimension!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you doing this?
:'''Charmcaster''': Oh, Gwenny, I thought you understood. It's the same reason I've done everything... I want my father back.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Your father's dead.
:'''Charmcaster''': For the moment. But my sorcerer's engine will soon change all of that.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But that's... It's the darkest of dark magic! It's forbidden!
:'''Charmcaster''': Like I always say, rules were made to be broken. And now that little miss made-of-magic has arrived, it's time to do some breaking.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll handle her. You guys stop that machine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You heard the lady. Let's start smashing stuff!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we can handle that.
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys! The machine!
:'''Charmcaster''': Hello! Are you a guard dog or what? Sic'em!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Tennyson! I need some metal here!
:'''Eatle''': Whoa. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I need a plan &quot;b.&quot;
:'''Chromastone''': Chromastone!
:'''Chromastone''': (''grunts'') Wow. Yeah! Well, harder... than I thought.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben No!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No!
:'''Charmcaster''': Just what I was waiting for.
:'''Charmcaster''': Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important call to make. Ab-ri du-an pad libir digir kun gukin!
:'''Diagon''': Who has summoned me?
:'''Charmcaster''': I have called you, old one. I ask that my father be restored to life.
:'''Diagon''': And what do you offer in return?
:'''Charmcaster''': 600,000 souls, the life-force of every living thing in this dimension.
:'''Diagon''': The bargain is made. Are you prepared to make payment?
:'''Charmcaster''': I am. Exige animas omnibus!
:'''Charmcaster''': Huh? Daddy? Daddy!
:'''Spellbinder''': (''To Charmcaster'') Hope! Is it really you? You've grown!
:'''Charmcaster''': (''gasps'') Oh, daddy! I've missed you so much!
:'''Spellbinder''': But I don't understand. How is this possible?
:'''Charmcaster''': I did it, daddy! I studied for years, and I found the secret spells and talismans. I sacrificed every living thing in Legerdomain, all for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': You did what?
:'''Charmcaster''': I had to, daddy! It was the only way!
:'''Spellbinder''': I gave my life so that you could be free of all this. how could you even conceive of something so evil?
:'''Charmcaster''': But I did it for you!
:'''Spellbinder''': I thought if I could just get you away from Legerdomain, you might have a chance at a normal life. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was. Instead, you became a worse tyrant than Addwaitya ever was.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy, no.
:'''[Charmcaster crying]'''
:'''Spellbinder''': I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, hope. But I can't stay here knowing my life was bought at the cost of so many others. Goodbye, my daughter. I love you.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''sobbing'') Daddy?
:'''Diagon''': If the bargain is refused, then the payment must be returned. Such is the way of magic.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Did we get... I mean, were we just...
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do now?
:'''Charmcaster''': I don't know. I just... don't know.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Coming back from the dead really builds up a  thirst! Who's up for a smoothie? Really? Nobody?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I can't imagine what Charmcaster's going through.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Hard to feel sympathy for somebody who thought so little for people's lives.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But she lived her whole life chasing after one thing. Now that thing is gone, and she's just... empty. How do you fill that void?
:'''Kevin Levin''': it ain't easy trust me.

===Couples Retreat===
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Darkstar! What do you want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's got my grimoire.
:'''Kevin Levin''': There's probably an ointment that'll clear that right up.
:'''Michael Morningstar''': You're insane. It's unstoppable.
:'''Charmcaster''': Not if we work togheter. (laughs) Isn't this the most fun ever?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': Yes, it is the most ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkstar''': I came here to fulfill my destiny. I'm powerful enough to take over the entire realm of magic!
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Destiny, shmestiny. You're goin' down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ultimate Humungousaur''': Stay down, and this won't get ugly.
:'''Darkstar''': That's where you're mistaken, Tennyson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': Who's up for some breaking and entering... and breaking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Michael is blasting at Kevin and Ben, while Gwen and Charmcaster watch from her bedroom'')
:'''Michael Morningstar''': And when I'm done, I'll take lovely Gwen as a trophy.
:'''Charmcaster''': (''incredulous'') Lovely Gwen!? (''turns to stare at Gwen, who looks a frantic to explain'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear! (''holds up two finger'') Two dates!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to Morningstar'') You always call me &quot;Beautiful.&quot; You never say my name...
:'''Michael Morningstar''': What? I don't...(''stammers'') I... well of... of course I do... I have. Why wouldn't I?
:'''Charmcaster''': What is it then... what's my name, Michael?
:'''Michael Morningstar''': (''short pause'') Heather...
:'''Charmcaster''': (''to wrong answer'') AHHHH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Charmcaster goes back into Legerdomain, the Door to Anywhere closes.]''
:'''Darkstar''': ''[Pounds on the Door to Anywhere repeatedly and repeatedly]'' No, come back! I need you! Helen! Hilary! Please, take me back! You know I love you! Heidi!
:''[The Door to Anywhere vanishes, causing Darkstar to stumble forward.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[From behind Darkstar]'' Ahem, loser.
:''[Darkstar turns to see Ben, Gwen, and Kevin advancing on him.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Now, where were we?

===Catch a Falling Star===
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': (''pretending to be angry at Nesmith'') What did you say?! You sad, sick man! For all I care, you can rot in jail -- FOREVER! (''throws telephone handset and leaves'') Let me out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': In only a few hours, Captain Nemesis lives again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's gonna hate missing this one.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Why's that? He likes refitting the Rust Bucket a lot more than he likes going on missions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he likes ogling movie stars more than anything.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Is &quot;ogling&quot; really a word?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yes, and Kevin's really good at it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No more crowds, no photographers, just you and me on a beach...
:'''Carl Nesmith''': As long as it's a beach in a country that won't extradite me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Uh, I guess. But we'll be together.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. It all sounds wonderful. But there's something I have to do first.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': What's that?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Destroy Ben Tennyson.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': But why can't we just go-- I'm Sure you know what's best.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Yes. I do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ben and Gwen arrive at Bridgeman Trailer Park]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You sure this is where Jennifer Nocturne grew up?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course. I did research.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': On the internet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[holds up a tabloid with a printed photo of an 8-year-old Jennifer]'' At the grocery checkout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': She was 14 when she left home to be on that TV show. Ain't never heard from her since.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What about her father?
:'''Maureen Nocturne''': Ran off before she was born.
:''[Humungousaur sets the trailer home down and turns back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Told you this was a waste of time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In a motel room, Jennifer has cut her hair and dyed it black after taking a shower, making sure no one remembers her]''
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[wrapping herself around with a towel and steps out of the shower]'' Problem solved. Nobody will recognize me now.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Captain Nemesis was never quite as famous as you, but he was famous enough that I'll be recognized.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': You should have worn a mask. Maybe if you shave your mustache and dye your hair?
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Unfortunately, my makeover is going to be a bit more complicated.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm stronger than you, boy.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Also older!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''waking up; with a cast on his arm'') Are we following them?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, we're just leaving the emergency room.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You let them get away? Ow!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': By the time I came back, they were already gone. Besides, you were hurt. The E.R. staff wasn't very happy with me wheeling you out before the anesthesia wore off.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. So, how are we gonna find Nesmith?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': While you were under, I called Kevin. He showed me how to hack into Jennifer's phone records.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What'd you get?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She just wired money to the account of a Dr. Randolph Pervis, DVM. Uh, that's where we're headed.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Great! What kind of doctor is a DVM?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's the weird part.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Let's forget all of this… Slip out of the country and disappear.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': We can't. We can fool the cops, but Tennyson will never stop looking for me. I have to get him, first. He took everything from me. Everything. Everything!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gwen is using her mana powers to find Jennifer, using the doll she used to have as an 8-year-old girl]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Jennifer's aura is getting weaker.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What's that mean? Is she out of range? Hurt?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it's more like... she's losing touch with herself.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So, he's brainwashing her?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not exactly. You ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, I have. Refresh my memory.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victims start to identify with their captors, especially when they feel like their old life was empty and meaningless.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, she's rich. She's famous.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': She has a mom from &quot;Trailer Park confidential&quot; and a dad she never knew. Plus, she dropped out of &quot;Vampire Summer 5&quot; for ''behavioral'' problems. Jennifer is a train wreck.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[opens up prison records on her badge]'' Prison records show Jennifer sent dozens of letters and packages to Nesmith, sometimes several a week. She visited him almost every day. She was obsessed with him.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': So you're saying she's gone bad? 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm saying she's a mess, and that it's a lot harder to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Nesmith again?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': He used the gauntlet from his old armor. You okay?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': All those aliens we fight? Usually, they want to steal something, or take over the world. Fine, I get that. But Nesmith. The prison guards, the limo driver, Dr. Pervis, that guy over there-- Look what he did to them. And for what?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You don't have to be an alien to be a monster. Nesmith doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does he want?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''You,'' Ben. He left this in the truck. ''[hands Ben a note from Nesmith]'' It says where he's going, dares you to follow him. It's obviously a trap.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carl Nesmith''': Try to take my company away from me, but I won't let them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[whispering]'' Psst! Jennifer! We're here to help you.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[out loud]''  Go away! You'll ruin everything! Don't you see?! I LOVE him!
:''[Ben is surprised and shocked at what she said]''
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[attempts to strike an electrical blast at Ben, but Gwen saves him]'' I'll destroy you Tennyson, like you tried to destroy me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eatle''': Why don't you come along quietly?
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[climbs inside and activates the robot suit; walks towards Eatle]'' Let...him...go!
:'''Eatle''': This man is not your friend. He's pure evil!
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[inside the giant robot suit]'' He's all I've GOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After fighting Carl and Jennifer]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We have to get her to a hospital.
:'''Carl Nesmith''': ''[to Jennifer]'' Jennifer, you have to listen. They're going to put me in prison again.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': No, we can still--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': I'm going to tell them I took you, that you didn't have any choice.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': ''[tearing up]'' Carl, I love you. I can't--
:'''Carl Nesmith''': If you love me, you'll do as I say. Keep your mouth shut, and ''wait'' for me. Promise me.
:'''Jennifer Nocturne''': Forever.

===The Eggman Cometh===
:''[Gwen's House; Natalie is in the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the cabinet to make chocolate chip cookies while listening to the recipe on the radio]''
:'''Melinda''': ''[on radio] Most people think chocolate chip cookies have been around forever, but the real story is a lot more interesting. Wish I could remember it. But nobody forgets this wonderful old recipe. You'll need sugar, flour, butter, chocolate chips, and walnuts. But the nuts are strictly optional. My nephew's face once blew up like a beach ball because he kissed a girl who'd just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. Wait! I forgot the eggs, didn't I? [Natalie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and takes out the eggs] Nature's most perfect food. No... That's milk. Except milk won't give you fiber. My doctor's always telling me if I don't get more fiber, I won't be able to...'' 
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[enters the kitchen]'' Mom!
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': What is it, honey?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can I use your car? I'm going over to Kevin's. 
:'''Natalie Tennyson''': Okay. But don't eat any peanut butter sandwiches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''about Juryrigg'') He's takin' apart the brakes! What kind of power is that?!
:'''Juryrigg''': Awesome kind!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't like to mess around with the new aliens?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Here at Animo Farms, we pamper our hens so that they'll give you only the finest and freshest eggs. I'm so darn sure you're gonna love'em, I'm givin'em away free all week. So, head on down to your local market and tell them Dr. Animo sent ya. Bye, now! Cut! Print! Now retakes! Out of the way, you dumb cluck!
:'''Pterodactyl''': It's too cold in here!
:'''Dr. Animo'''': I know. I know.
:'''Pterodactyl''': Dark, too.
:'''Dr. Animo''': You'll soon have your time in the sun. I promise. You and all the others.
:'''Pterodactyl''': We'd like that.
:'''Dr. Animo''': And so will I.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The team arrive at the sheriff's station to complain to the sheriff]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And it came out of an egg... A regular egg! And it grew to feet tall in about a minute!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It broke through my mom's wall!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Then we saw it out on Route, flying. I'll make a... report.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': A report?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to do something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Go to Animo Farms... Now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[realizing in horror]'' I just thought of something.
:'''Kevin Levin''': You gonna tell us, or do we have to guess? 
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We have eggs at ''my'' house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dr. Animo''': Go forth, my friends! Be fruitful and... Unh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': How do you stop them?! How?!
:'''Dr. Animo''': You can't. ''[Strained]'' Crushing me won't solve your problem.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin. Step aside. Hunh!
:'''Dr. Animo''': Wait! Wait! There is a way to stop them... The ray. If you switch its polarity, it'll reverse the de-evolutionary effect.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''' : That all you have to do?
:'''Dr. Animo''': Yes! Yes!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, Gwen? Juryrigg kind of... took apart the ray.
:''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]''
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, listen to me. Whatever Juryrigg broke, he can fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He can? How do you know?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Breaking things couldn't be his only power. It just couldn't.
:'''Juryrigg''': Juryrigg! Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix. Fix, fix, fix, fix. Fix. Fix. Fix...
:'''Kevin Levin''': You were pretty sure.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, I wasn't. The important thing is for Ben to be sure.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, if Animo's old ray caused de-evolution and this one's causing evolution, what are the dragon men evolving into?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Same thing the dinosaurs evolved into... birds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': These were dinosaur men? I thought they all just escaped from the chicken farm. Got another one. See how the Ray's going over the whole town does that mean everything's gonna evolve?

===Night of The Living Nightmare===
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Ultimatrix is useless, Ben! Just give it to us, and we'll leave you alone.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Please, just tell me what's happening?!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': You're a selfish brat, and you don't deserve to wear it!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused'') Why are you saying that? I always do the best I can. I tried to help people.
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': (''points at Ben'') You turned me into a monster!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's true.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not a monster anymore. This doesn't make any sense!
:'''Ultimate Kevin''': Stop thinking, Tennyson. You're no good at it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give us the watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Albedo''': You'll never catch me again. ''[turns into Negative Fasttrack and runs off]''
:''[Swampfire switches into Fasttrack]''
:'''Fasttrack''': Fasttrack! ''[Speeds up to Mr. Smoothy's and enters, looking for Albedo]'' Albedo, come out, come out wherever you are. Help me out a little here. Marco! You are a very bad sport. You got ''all'' the advantages. Somehow, you trapped me in a dream world where anything can happen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Negative Big Chill''': You should be frozen!
:'''Ben''': I'm wearing a jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Change into whatever you want. I'll just keep beating you, forever and ever.
:'''Albedo''': I understand now. Somehow, you've broken free from the dream eater. Easy enough to fix.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Keep that thing away from me!
:''[Albedo walks to Ben and he trips on a smoothie and lets go of the dream eater, causing it to fall and attach to his head]''
:'''Albedo''': ''[trying to get the dream eater off him]'' Get it off me! Get it off me! ''[cut to the real world; sleep roughing]'' Get it off me. Get it off me.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I heard a loud noise, and when I woke up, I found him just like this. What is that thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': A Cassiopeian Dream Eater. Nasty.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Found it on the extranet. They attach to a host and make them have terrible nightmares. They eat the chemicals your brain produces under stress.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Obviously, he intended that for you.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': But he wasn't prepared for how messy your room is.
:'''Kevin Levin''': (''chuckles'') Tripped on your smoothie and dropped the bug on his own face.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Can't we pull it off of him?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Not without taking his face along with it. Maybe a Galvan Doctor?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I already called. A plumber transport is on the way.
:''[Albedo starts moaning and wincing]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder what he's dreaming.
:'''Albedo''': No. Stay back, please. ''[In his nightmare, he cowers in fear in a corner inside Mr. Smoothy as all the Ultimatrix aliens come closer to him]'' Please, don't hurt me! STAY BACK!

===The Beginning of the End===
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. 10 minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': 10 minutes? You told us 10 minutes over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it. But I'm telling you the truth now... another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': It's not like you even need to turn your car into a submarine.
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's only a matter of time before some bad guy knocks us into the water. Sealing up my car and making it submersible... someday, all this work is gonna save our lives. Plus, it's gonna be cool. I'll be able to drive my car to Cancun.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry it up so we can do something fun.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Driving a car underwater is fun. Fine. Just let me finish installing the rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then something fun, like the pier.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Give me about another 10 minutes.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': 10 minutes? I don't think we have 10 seconds.
:'''[Kevin gasps]'''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Esoterica. It's an ambush!
:'''Four Arms''': Four Arms!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': At least we're not bored anymore.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Hey! Off of my car! Uhh!
:'''Kevin Levin''': You got my back, I got yours.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Try to capture one of them.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Easy. Got one right here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': We need him conscious to ask him questions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I take it back. That's not gonna be easy.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''after capturing one of the Esotericas with her mana powers'') Just like I thought. He can't teleport through mana.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks, Gwen. I got it from here.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't hurt him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Start talking.
:'''Esoterica''': You don't scare me. I've got nothing to say.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I believe you. Too bad. (''brings in some gadget'') You know what this is?
:'''Esoterica''': I will not talk.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to hear it.
:''[legs pop out the gadget'']''
:'''Esoterica''': What is that horrible thing?
:''[Kevin puts the gadget on the Esoterica's chest'']
:'''Fourarms''': I could have my friend show you.
:''[Kevin pushes one of the gadget's buttons'']
:'''Esoterica''': No!
:'''Fourarms''': Or you could answer some questions.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why are you here? What are you up to?
:'''Esoterica''': The time is at hand. We were sent to destroy any who dare interfere with the coming of Diagon.
:''[Fourarms changes back to Ben]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna do more than just interfere. We're gonna take care of Diagon here and now.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I thought you were gonna give George a chance.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': He had his chance. It's been two weeks.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Let me get my rebreather.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Diagon's troops are long gone.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Wouldn't hurt to see where they went.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': My thoughts exactly.
:'''Clockwork''': Clockwork!
:'''Conduit Edwards''': We must prepare the way. He is coming. We must destroy the seal!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': The seal's that big stone disk, right?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's the only thing keeping Diagon from moving from his dimension into ours.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, the seal... and us.

----
:''[Sir George is giving the Forever Knights a speech.]''
:'''Sir George''': Forever Knights, our time has come. This is why we exist. All the other false purposes of the Forever Knights: Gathering technology, fighting dragons. Nonsense and corruption of our one true mission. As we did upon our founding, so shall we do again. Together, we shall slay the Dagon and save the very Earth! This&amp;ndash; ''[Pulls out Ascalon and raises it]'' &amp;ndash;I swear!
:''[The knights raise their swords and cheer.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Here's the plan... we go in there, I turn into something or other, we defeat the Esotericas before they can free Diagon. We're in, we're out.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I like it. It's simple.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Simple to the point of not actually being a plan.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I like to let the details work themselves out.
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Forward to the Cavern of the Seal. Let nothing stand in our way!
:'''Winston''': I'll protect you, sir!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Looks like we're late for the war.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That the kind of detail you let work itself out?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but several hundred forever knights on our side definitely improves our odds.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's the call?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Take us down into the middle of the fight. Trust me. It's okay. We're here to help George.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Oops! Wait! We're here to help!
:'''Kevin Levin''': I had a feeling this would happen.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? When?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Right when you said, &quot;Trust me.&quot;
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Get back!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': (''when the Forever Knights are attacking them'') Maybe we can still try to talk some sense into them?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, I'll make coffee.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Stay away from him!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This could get messy.
:'''Goop''': Goop! Listen to me for a second. I'm not here to fight you. I'm here to help you and George. You're not taking me seriously. It's the voice, isn't it? Whoa!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Good shot, but you got to watch your backside.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What? Come on! Didn't anyone remember to close the door?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, yeah. That'll work.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You help Ben. I got these guys.
:'''Kevin Levin''': That's the last of them.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': And you didn't trust the plan.

----
:'''Sir George''': You saved my life.
:'''Winston''': It was an honor to be your squire. (''dies'')
:'''Sir George''': You were no squire, Winston. You died a knight, a Forever Knight. And your death will not be in vain.

----
:'''Kevin Levin''': Almost done. Ten minutes.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ten minutes? You told us &quot;ten minutes&quot; over an hour ago.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I lied. I admit it, and I feel bad about it.

----
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? I should have teleported him.
:'''Sir George''': Let this be our final battle!
:'''Vilgax''': Speak for yourself.
:'''Heatblast''': Guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you, Vilgax. Can't keep a bad man down.
:'''Vilgax''': Tennyson. You've been my greatest adversary. It's only right that you should be here at my moment of ultimate triumph.
:'''Sir George''': Vilgax! You cannot run from me!
:'''Heatblast''': Don't! It's a trap!
:'''Sir George''': What does that matter? He and his master must be destroyed! Vilgax! Have at thee!
:'''Vilgax''': You're too late, old man. The battle is already over.

=== The Ultimate Enemy ===
'''Part 1'''
----
:'''Sir George''': Perdition!
:'''Heatblast''': That's just what I was gonna say.
:'''Vilgax''': What you say is no longer of any significance, Ben Tennyson. The ruination of this universe is at hand. The Diagon comes!
:'''Sir George''': Come no further, Diagon! If you break the seal, you will taste my sword.
:'''Vilgax''': Do not address the Diagon. Direct your threats to me.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Thought Vilgax was dead.
:'''Heatblast''': Which time?
:'''Vilgax''': My master grows ever closer. The moment is at hand.
:'''Heatblast''': Vilgax! What's happening?
:''[Vilgax Laughly Evilly]''
:'''Julie''': What are you... What's happening?
:'''Ship''': Ship, Ship, Ship!
:'''Vilgax''': The master prevails. Now all beings on Earth serve him.
:'''Heatblast''': Seriously?!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Believe it. There's billions of lives that I can't sense anymore.
:'''Vilgax''': Every living person on Earth has been transformed into an Esoterica. Behold the true power of the Diagon!
:'''Kevin Levin''': That seal's looking a little wobbly.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, don't care how strong you are. You got zero leverage in there.
:'''Kevin''': Put this back on.
:'''Sir George''': Away with it!
:'''Kevin Levin''': It's the iron in your helmets that keeps Diagon from controlling you. You've been fighting this guy for 1.000 years, and you didn't know that?
:'''Sir George''': The sword of Azmuth is all the protection I need.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Nice.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm on it... A spell to hold the Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Make it big spell.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' Master, grant your humble and obedient vessel even more power. The earth must be prepared for your coming.
:'''Diagon''': Granted. Salt the Earth.
:'''Vilgax''': Yes!
:'''Sir George''': For the blessed order! Hyah!
:'''Eatle''': Eatle!
:'''Sir George''': Hyah! Hyah!
:'''Diagon''': What has happened out there? Speak, servant.
:'''Sir George''': Your Minion speaks no more.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunting ]'' You're mistaken. I speak for my master, which makes me more powerful than ever!
:'''Eatle''': George!
:'''Vilgax''': Finally.
:'''Diagon''': Free me.
:'''Vilgax''': Consider it done, master.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': So far, so good.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe everybody in town took off once they got turned into Esotericas.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uh-oh.
:'''Kevin Levin''': I did say &quot;maybe.&quot; Look, for all we know, I could be shooting your mom or Julie or Grandpa Max.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Under the circumstances, Grandpa Max wouldn't want us to go easy on him.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Just so we're on the same page. Hyaaaaaah! Go!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your left! Presidium!
:'''Diagon''': Useless lump of matter. Break the seal.
:'''Vilgax''': ''[ Grunts ]'' I am your obedient vassal.
:'''Diagon''': The power I gave you is more than enough.
:'''Vilgax''': Of course, master. This imperfect vessel humbly begs your forgiveness, master.
:'''Eatle''': Are you a vessel or a vassal?
:'''Sir George''': He is the Diagon's pawn. Whether the world survives or not, his doom is assured.
:'''Vilgax''': You don't know what you're talking about. Master!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Containment, confinement, concatenation... [scoffs] This one doesn't even have an index!
:'''Kevin Levin''': No Diagon-Buster spell yet?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nothing strong enough to cast across dimensions.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What about those books Charmcaster left behind?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Told you you should have snagged them all.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I would have if... what's that?
:'''Kevin Levin''': I'm improvising. Your protection spell won't hold forever.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. And they're bringing in reinforcements.
:'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? There's billion of them now. Come on!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': On your six!
:'''Kevin Levin''': Keep moving!
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll take a second to... Aaah! I hear and obey, oh, great Diagon.
:'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong?
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know that Lucubra thing?
:'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the monster we went back through the seal a few months ago.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': I think it left something in my head.
:'''Kevin Levin''': So, what... now the Diagon's got ahold of you?

----
'''Part 2'''
:'''Diagon''': I'm everywhere. (''laughs'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you planning?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Something BIG.
:''[Ben transforms into Way Big.]''
:'''Way Big''': WAY BIG! Hey, Diagon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? I'm-
:'''Diagon''': You, are a slightly larger speck than the other specks infesting this world. But still, you are beneath my notice.
:'''Way Big''': I wasn't finished talking yet.
:''[Way Big transforms into Ultimate Way Big.]''
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': ULTIMATE WAY BIG!!! (''Ultimate Way Big flies into the air'')
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's new.
:(''Ultimate Way Big hits Diagon's forehead and stays there'')
:'''Diagon''': Impossible!
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Just getting started!

----
:'''Diagon''': Still, you fight. Is this supine bravery, or are you simply too unintelligent to realize how hopeless your struggle?
:'''Ultimate Way Big''': Doesn't make any difference, does it? Either way, you're about to get your butt kicked! Actually, I can't tell if you even have a butt in that pile of spaghetti. Call it a metaphor.

----
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Psyphon, don't! With Diagon's power added to his own, Vilgax will be unstoppable!
:'''Psyphon''': Yes. That was after all...the point. (''Presses the button and the machine sends Diagon's power into Vilgax'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No!
:(''Vilgax flies into the sky'')
:'''Vilgax''': The Esoterica worshiped me because I looked like Diagon. Now I AM the Diagon!

----
:'''Vilgax''': And here we are again, me, on the gust of total victory. You, the last man standing, the only slim hope left in this world; this UNIVERSE. Who will it be? Diamondhead? Swampfire? One of your tiresome Ultimate Aliens? Perhaps you have yet another new transformation to spring on me?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': No transformations. Not this time, but I do have one last surprise! (''Picks up the Ascalon'')
:'''Vilgax''': Azmuth's sword!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Goes nice with the watch, don't you think?
:(''Vilgax grabs a piece of machinery'')
:'''Vilgax''': I'm going to miss these little get togethers. (''Throws it at Ben, who slices it in half with Ascalon'')
:'''Ben Tennyson''': This is a GOOD sword!
:'''Vilgax''': I'm not afraid of you!
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You should be! I just figured out how to use this thing! (''Gains Knight armor'') As my old friend George used to say: Have at thee! (''Vilgax blasts laser at Ben who simply uses the Ascalon to throw it back at him, they then charge at each other'') Somebody should of done this a long time ago! (''Stabs Vilgax'')

----
:''[Julie and Ship arrive.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought we'd agreed to make all our big decisions together.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Ship's a good hunting dog. That's how you found us, right?
:'''Ship''': Ship.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You know we all love you, Ben, but if you try to do this, you're the same as Vilgax or Dagon or Aggregor or any of the others.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd try and stop me?
:'''Kevin Levin''': We ''would'' stop you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're not afraid of me?
:''[Ship unmerges with Julie.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You've never given me any reason to be afraid.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': You're always telling me that I should use my technology to help more people. Now, I can help everybody at once.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': Look, there's a line. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but I'm sure this is way on the wrong side of it.
:'''Vilgax''': Power is meaningless if it isn't used. ''[Smiles evilly]'' Do it.
:'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Runs over to Ben, Julie, and Vilgax along with Kevin, to Vilgax]'' Be quiet! ''[To Ben]'' Don't you see, Ben? It's the power. You're tempted, like I was tempted to go full Anodite.
:'''Kevin Levin''': And like when I lost control of my powers.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': You can't force your answers on everybody. After everything we've been through, is this the way you want it all to end?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Frustrated]'' Everybody, stop talking! Let me think!
:''[Ben walks away from Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship. He stops walking, then closes his eyes and recalls all memories of his adventures, from the day he first met Julie to his travel to space to rescue both Ship and Baz-l. Ben opens his eyes again. He turns back to Gwen, Kevin, Julie, and Ship, then grips Ascalon with both hands. Kevin and Julie get into a fighting position. Gwen follows suit with her hands glowing with pink mana. Vilgax looks on. Ben raises Ascalon high above his head and a bright white light erupts from it. The light shoots into the sky and spreads in every direction. It quickly vanishes, leaving Ben holding up the sword with a smile on his face.]''
:'''Kevin Levin''': What did you do?
:'''Ben Tennyson''': What I said I was going to do: Turn every Esoterica on Earth back to human, with all the free will that goes along with that.
:''[The armor retracts off Ben.]''
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Runs over to Ben]'' Oh, Ben! ''[kisses Ben on the lips]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': That was totally worth giving up all that power.
:'''Julie Yamamoto''': ''[Chuckles]'' Knew'd you do the right thing.
:'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiling]'' Way to go.

----
:'''Azmuth''': I suggest you return it to its creator.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth!
:'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Give it to me.
:''[The Ultimatrix sparks, falls off Ben's wrist, lands on the ground, and disappears.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': But, Azmuth, I thought I proved I was worthy.
:'''Azmuth''': As usual, you don't understand. You have proved your worth, but this inferior copy of my Omnitrix isn't worthy of you.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't&amp;ndash;
:'''Azmuth''': Oh for the love of&amp;ndash; look at your wrist!
:''[Ben looks at his wrist and sees a new Omnitrix.]''
:'''Ben Tennyson''': An Omnitrix?
:'''Azmuth''': THE Omnitrix. An improved version I've been working on ever since you were given the prototype six years ago.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know how to thank you.
:'''Azmuth''': Keep doing the right thing.
:'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't suppose you'd consider giving me the Master Control.
:'''Azmuth''': Perhaps for your 18th birthday. (''Teleports away'')

==Gwen using her Magic==
*The Ultimate Sacrifice
*A Knight to Remember 
*The Enemy of My Frenemy
*Couples Retreat
*The Eggman Cometh
*The Beginning of The End
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 1
*The Ultimate Enemy Part 2

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ben 10: Ultimate Alien}}
[[Category:Ben 10: Ultimate Alien seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 1)</title>
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      <comment>/* The Pulverizer [1.16] */</comment>
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'''Seasons: 1''' / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)|5: Tales of the TMNT]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Main]]
--------------

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of the 2012 series, ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''.

== ''{{w|Rise of the Turtles}}'' ==
* This marks the debut appearance of [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]], [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]], [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] and [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] and their master and father [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]], [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]], her father Kirby, and of course [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|The Shredder]] the leader of the [[w:Foot Clan|Foot Clan]].
=== Part 1 [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]]''': ''[after Raphael wins a sparring contest]'' Yame! You all did very well.
:'''Raph''': But I did better.
:'''Splinter''': This is about self-improvement, Raphael, it is not about winning and losing.
:'''Raph''': I know, sensei, but ''I'' won and ''they'' lost. ''[Splinter pinches a painful pressure point on his neck]'' Aah, aah, aah! But, what's really important is that we all did our best. GOOD JOB, EVERYONE! 
:'''Splinter''': Heh, heh, heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were not fully prepared for what was up there. I trained you to fight as individuals, not as a team. And as your teacher, your father, the responsibility for that is mine. Perhaps in another year we can try again.
:'''Donnie:''' A another year!? Has everybody forgotten that people were kidnapped!? They don't have a year! Sensei, we have to do something now! You weren't there, Sensei. You didn’t see the way that girl looked into my eyes. She was scared and she's counting on me- I mean us- to save her.
:''[Splinters turns to stare at the black-and-white picture of himself, his wife Tang Shen, and their infant daughter Miwa]''
:'''Splinter:''' Yes. You must save her.
:'''Leo:''' I agree, Sensei, but in that fight we weren't actually a well-oiled machine.
:'''Mikey:''' Like that robot with the brain thingy.
:'''Raph:''' Give it a rest.

=== Part 2 [1.02] ===
:'''The Turtles''': Whoa.
:'''Leo''': So that's the...
:'''Donnie''': ...[[w:Mutagen|Mutagen]] that turned us all into what we are now.
:'''Mikey''': Let's drink some!
:'''Raph''': What!? Why would you do that!?
:'''Mikey''': 'Cause if you mutate a mutant, you get a super mutant!
:'''Donnie''': Or a pile of goo on the sidewalk.
:'''Raph''': Either way, it's an improvement.
:'''Leo''': Guys, this is huge. Whoever kidnapped those people are somehow connected to what happened to us 15 years ago.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph''': ''[to his pet turtle Spike]'' I know you're a little worried about me. Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. We've never gone into a fight like this, and I don't know what's gonna happen. But you don't have to worry. I will make it back. I love you, man.
:''[Raph then turns around in shock to see Mikey, who has heard his every word.]''
:'''Mikey''': Awww. Are you talking to your pet turtle?
:'''Raph''': No! Shut up!
:'''Mikey''': That's adorable!
:'''Raph''': Oh, I'm gonna crush you! ''[chases Mikey with a wooden spoon]'' I'm gonna shellac you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' There's so much riding on this. What if something goes wrong?
:'''Splinter''': Failure is a possibility all leaders must face, Leonardo. It is something I had to face in [[w:Japan|Japan]] during my battle with my old enemy, the Shredder. Years ago, Oroku Saki, as Shredder was called then, had been my friend. But the love of [[w:Tang Shen|a woman]] came between us. He could not accept it and his jealously turned outward in a vengeful attack. And although he could not defeat me that day, my world burned and crumbled around me, as the battle took the life of my beloved Tang Shen. And I lost my baby daughter, [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Miwa]].
:'''Leo:''' But that's my point, Sensei. You lost everything.
:'''Splinter:''' I lost many things - my family, my home, my name. But I gained many things as well, like the 4 of you.
:'''Leo:''' Don't worry. We can handle this.
:''[Just then, Mikey runs by with a metal pot on his head, screaming. Raph is still chasing him with a wooden spoon.]''
:'''Raph''': ''[angry]'' GET BACK HERE!
:''[Leo and Splinter sigh.]''

== ''Turtle Temper'' [1.03] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[clearly not liking what he just heard]'' Not only did Raphael alert the Kraang, but you got caught... ''[glares at Raph]'' ''on video!''
:'''Raph''': ''[defensively]'' Sensei, he was the angriest, nastiest guy you ever met!
:'''Mikey''': Except for you. ''[Raph slaps him]'' Ow!
:'''Raph''': You should've heard the insults this guy was throwing at us. They were so... ''insulting!''
:'''Splinter''': ''[sarcastically; not buying this excuse]'' Oh, I did not realize he said mean things. Of course, you had no choice but to jeopardize your mission!
:'''Mikey''': ''[mockingly]'' Burn. ''[Raph grits his teeth]''
:'''Splinter''': You are ''ninjas''. You work in the ''shadows'', in ''secret''. This becomes difficult if there is proof of your existence in ''high definition!''
:'''Raph''': ''[trying to talk his way out of it]'' Look, we know where this guy lives. All we need to do is find him and shake him until the tape pops out.
:'''Donnie''': Oh, there's no tape. Video phones use flash memory and-- ''[Raph growls like a bulldog in annoyance]''
:'''Splinter''': Anger is self-destructive.
:'''Raphael''': ''[side commenting disrespectfully]'' I always thought it was... others-destructive.
:'''Splinter''': ''[sternly; fed up with Raph's attitude and disrespect]'' Raphael! Stand up.
:'''Mikey''': Somebody's in trouble~...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Who does Leo think he is? So what if I got a temper? I’m still the best fighter we’ve got. In fact, if anything, my anger makes me a better fighter. You understand me, don't you, Spike? Chew on your leaf if you understand me. ''[Spike chews on leaf]'' Yeah, I thought so.
:'''Splinter''': ''[suddenly walks in]'' I understand you too.
:'''Raph''': ''[scared out of his wits]'' Seriously, you gotta knock or something!
:'''Splinter''': Raphael, let me tell you a story.
:'''Raph''': ''[tiredly]''  Sensei, I'm not really in the mood for a story.
:'''Splinter''': Spike, chew on your leaf if you're in the mood for a story. ''[Spike chews on his leaf]'' Very well. When I was a young man, I fell in love with a woman.
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically; pretending to check the time]'' Oh, hey, is it that late already? ''[tries to leave]''
:'''Splinter''': ''[firmly]'' Sit! ''[Raph sits down in defeat and he continues]'' Her name was Tang Shen, and I was not the only one who loved her. There was another man competing for her attention, Oroku Saki.
:'''Raph''': Shredder.
:'''Splinter''': One day, he insulted me in front of her. He called me many things. I felt I couldn't let those insults go unanswered. I lost my temper, and over time, our rivalry festered into hatred. Until Shredder sought to finish me. And I lost my beloved Tang Shen.
:'''Raph''': ''[lost for words; unsure of how to react]'' But... But it wasn't your fault. Shredder insulted you, you... You had no choice.
:'''Splinter''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' &quot;No choice&quot;? I could have ''chosen'' to ignore him, I could have ''chosen'' to let his words wash over me, like a river over stone. ''[shamefully]'' But I ''let'' him anger me, it was ''I'' who made his ''words'' into ''weapons''. That's the choice ''I'' made. What choice will ''you'' make?

== ''New Friend, Old Enemy'' [1.04] ==
:'''Mikey''': I'm returning Mittens to her owner.
:'''Raph''': Are you an idiot? Wait, let me rephrase that. You're an idiot!
:'''Donnie''': You can't show yourself to a human.
:'''Mikey''': Why not?
:'''Donnie''': Because they'll freak the heck out, that's why not.
:'''Mikey''': No they won't. I'm not so scary.
:'''Raph''': You're an ugly, green mutant armed with ninja weapons.
:'''Mikey''': Look, this guy is gonna see that I'm just a regular cat-loving dude like him. The next thing you know, we'll be best buds! This is gonna be awesome! ''[jumps down, despite his brother's protests, to the owner of the cat's balcony]''
:'''Mikey''': Hi! Here's your--
:'''Cat Owner''': ''[screams in horror]'' Ugly, green mutant freak!
:'''Mikey''': But I got your cat!
:'''Cat Owner''': Help! He's got my cat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Splinter sees Leo sweep Raph, giving him a flashback to when Shredder used that move on him. Cut back to reality]''
:'''Splinter''': Where did you learn that!?
:'''Leo''': Mikey learned it from his new friend.
:'''Splinter''': The man who taught him that ''kata'' is no friend! It comes from the Shredder.
:'''Donnie''': Shredder?
:'''Leo''': You mean Bradford is one of his students?
:'''Splinter''': He must be!
:'''Leo''': So Bradford's just pretending to be Mikey's friend to get to you!
:'''Raph''': Oh, man. Everything makes sense again. ''[then realizes]'' Mikey's in trouble!

== ''I Think His Name is Baxter Stockman'' [1.05] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[in disbelief]'' How many times have I told you not to skateboard in the lair?!
:'''Michelangelo''': None, Sensei.
:'''Splinter''': ''[annoyed]'' I shouldn't ''have'' to tell you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': And where have you been?
:'''Raph''': Nowhere?
:'''Splinter''': How did you get so hurt?
:'''Leo''': Oh, that. Well, uh, we were...
:'''Raph''': Hit...
:'''Donnie''': By a...
:'''Mikey''': Bus?
:'''Donnie''': ''[whispers to Mikey]'' Hit by a bus?!
:'''Mikey''': Well, what was I supposed to say, meteor, cow, flying building?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Excuse me, Sensei, but ninjas never had to go up against guys in armor. ''[sees paintings, corrects himself]'' Oh, I mean ninjas ''always'' had to go up against guys in armor.
:'''Raph''': Nice save.
:'''Leo''': Sensei, what was their secret?
:'''Splinter''': They understood that you do not fight the armor, you fight the man inside.
:'''Mikey''': ''[Turtles stare at him who looks at them]'' Why are we all looking at each other?

== ''Metalhead'' [1.06] ==
:''[Splinter brings Donatello a new [[w: Bo staff |Bo-Staff]]]''
:'''Raphael''': Look, Spike. Donnie got a new stick to break.
:'''Don''': With all due respect Sensei, I can't keep fighting alien technology with a six-foot staff. I was hoping to upgrade my weapon.
:'''Splinter''': Hm... a ''seven'' foot staff. Interesting.
:'''Donnie''': No, I meant using modern technology.
:'''Splinter''': Ah, a ''solar-powered'' staff.
:'''Donnie''': I'm serious, sensei.
:'''Splinter''': I know. And yes you may upgrade your weapon.
:'''Donnie''': That's totally unfair! You can't just--Did you just say yes?
:'''Splinter:''' Ninjas have improved their arsenal for decades. We are masters of adaptation.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': ''[Watching April through the monitor]'' Look at her. She's so beautiful. On this monitor, she can't even tell I'm staring.
:'''April''': You do know that's not muted, right?
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': Ahh! Of course. I mean, if it was muted, you couldn't hear me joking. ''[Smacks his head and presses a button on the controls. Metalhead's megaphone activates] Man, I hope she bought that.
:'''April''': That's the megaphone.
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': ''[With the megaphone]'' I know!''[Turns megaphone off]'' So, how do you think the fight's going?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': BOOYAKASHA!
:'''Mikey''': Sounds weird when he says it.
:'''Raph''': Sounds weird when YOU say it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Nice job, bro! 
:'''Leo''': Way to go, Donnie.
:'''Raph''': Yeah, not bad, except for that part where you built the thing in the first place, and the part where it broke, and the part where it tried to kill us, and the part-
:'''Donnie''': ''[exasperated]'' Okay, I get it!

== ''Monkey Brains'' [1.07] ==
:'''April''': Careful, Donnie, that's a dangerous mutant!
:'''Donatello''': That makes two of us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': April, it seems you have a rare gift - a sensitivity I have trained my entire life to develop. I would like to train you to be a ''kunoichi'', a female ninja.
:'''April''': Wow. That's quite an honor. If I do this, does that mean I can kick everybody's butt?
:'''Splinter''': We do not believe in using our abilities that way.
:'''April''': Oh, sure. But I could, right?
:'''Splinter''': Yes. But it will the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. It will drain you physically, mentally and spiritually.
:'''April''': Can't be worse than high school.

== ''Never Say Xever'' [1.08] ==
:'''Donatello''': Are you saying turtles are slow?
:'''Michelangelo''': That's a hurtful stereotype.
:'''Leonardo''': Trust us, April, we are better keeping a low profile. We figured out people treat us better if they don't know we exist.
:'''April''': Sorry, I'm just so excited to finally get you out of the sewer for a change.
:'''Raphael''': What are you talking about? We go out all the time.
:'''April''': Yeah, but tonight you're gonna do something besides hitting people.
:'''Raph''': ''[disappointed]'' Aw...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Okay, he's strong, so speed and stealth are essential. Okay, everybody know the plan? ''[Raph and Donnie nod]'' Mikey?
:'''Mikey''': Yes.
:'''Leo''': Are you sure?
:'''Mikey''': Yes.
:'''Leo''': Tell me what it is.
:'''Mikey''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Um, maybe we should go over it one more time?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April''': Don't worry. You're going to love this noodle place I found.
:'''Don''': ''[nervous]'' And you're sure we'll be welcome?
:'''April''': Oh, yeah, Mr. Murakami doesn't care what you look like. In fact, he won't even know what you look like. He's blind.
:'''Mikey''': Awesome! ''[Raph slaps him]'' I mean, for us, obviously.

== ''The Gauntlet'' [1.09] ==
:'''April''': ''[acting]'' Here I am, walking around in the big city, all alone! Oh, I sure hope no crazy pigeon man sneaks up on me! That would be the last thing I'd want!
:'''Donnie''': What are you doing?
:'''April''': You wanted me to be bait, I'm bait!
:'''Donnie''': That's not how bait talks!
:'''April''': How do you know how bait talks?
:'''Donnie''': I know bait doesn't talk back!
:'''Leo, Raph and Mikey''': Oooooooh!
:'''Mikey''': Oh, no, you didn't!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shredder''': Your skills are impressive. But they will not save you.
:'''Donatello''': Oh, man. You think that's the Shredder?
:'''Raphael''': Well, it's definitely ''a'' Shredder.
:'''Shredder''': There is undoubtedly a fascinating story as to how my [[w:Hamato Yoshi|old nemesis]] came to teach ninjitsu to four mutant turtles. Perhaps I will let one of you live long enough to tell it.
:'''Leonardo''': You're gonna have to catch us first! Mikey!?
:'''Mikey:''' So long, sucker!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were all very lucky.
:'''Raph:''' I think we define that word differently, Sensei.
:'''Mikey:''' He was just so fast.
:'''Donnie:''' It was like he was everywhere at once.
:'''Leo:''' You were right about us being overconfident, Sensei. There's just some things we're not ready for.
:'''Splinter:''' Perhaps, but that no longer matters. It is clear now that the Shredder is a problem that will not go away. So prepare yourselves, my sons, because as of this moment... we are at war.

== ''Panic in the Sewers'' [1.10] ==
:'''Donatello''': ''[Panting, turns to Master Splinter]'' Sensei, can we rest for a sec?
:'''Splinter''': Rest? Hm. The Shredder will not rest... until you are all dead!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Leo is watching Space Heroes. Just then, Raph turns the TV off with a shuriken.]''
:'''Leonardo''': What? Hey, what are you doing?!
:'''Raphael''': Oh sorry, it was Spike's idea. He said Space Heroes is too stupid for him.
:'''Leonardo''': That's saying something, considering he hangs out with you all day.
:'''Raphael''': Oh, nice going, Leo. You made him angry, so I'm gonna mop the floor with your face!
:'''Leonardo''': Alright, Raph, cool off.
:'''Michelangelo''': I can help with that! ''[throws a water balloon at Raph's face, splashing him with water]'' Dr. Prankenstein strikes again! 
:''[Raph comes up to him, furious.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Dude, you should see your face right now. You look so mad!
:'''Raphael''': Okay, Spike, you'll like this show. It's called &quot;Does Mikey Bend that Way?&quot;! ''[chases Mikey as he screams]'' Come here, you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Mikey! Throw the water balloon!
:'''Michelangelo''': Uh, what water balloon? 
:'''Leonardo''': The one you were gonna hit me with!
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[looks at the water balloon behind his back]'' Dude, you are good. ''[Throws the water balloon, Leo and Mikey take cover, and the van explodes in seconds.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nice shot, M - ''[Gets hit by Mikey's water balloon.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Doctor Prankenstein for the win!
:'''Leonardo''': You had two? Where do you keep them?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': No training today... ''[the Turtles cheer]'' unless Michelangelo throws that balloon.
:''[Raph, Donnie and Leo turn to see Mikey about to throw a water balloon. He laughs nervously.]''
:'''Raph''': You are so gonna get it!
:''[Mikey's brothers tackle him to the ground, making him scream in agony]''

== ''Mousers Attack!'' [1.11] ==
:'''Leonardo''': Look, guys, Raph and I may be better fighters, but you´re still an important part of this team.
:'''Donatello''': ''[annoyed]'' As important as you two?
:''[Leo and Raph look at each other.]''
:'''Leo''': Humm... ''Very'' important. We shouldn't compare ourselves. It's like apples and oranges.
:'''Raphael''': ''[Muttering]'' Yeah, if apples were way better, which they are.
:'''Don''': So, the truth comes out.
:'''Michelangelo''': You guys think of us as some kind of... B Team!
:'''Raph''': Good one, Dr. Namenstein. We'll call you &quot;The B Team&quot;!
:'''Mikey''': Thanks. I mean, hey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fishface''': If I weren't stuck in here, I would have caught Splinter by now!
:'''Dogpound''': But you ''are'' stuck in there. ''[starts tapping the glass in Fishface's fish tank, creating vibrations]''
:'''Fishface''': No-no-no-no! Stop that! Stop that! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Stop it!
:'''Dogpound''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure you'll have your chance to shine one of these days. Master Shredder might get hungry for sushi.
:'''Fishface''': Why don't you get in the water and say that!
:'''Shredder''': Enough, Xever! Bradford is right, you are useless to me this way! ''[to Dogpound]'' I'm counting on you, find me information I can use, or Xever won't be the only one missing his legs.

== ''It Came From the Depths'' [1.12] ==
:'''Leonardo''': We are ''not'' taking that monster home with us!
:'''Michelangelo''': He's not a monster! He's a giant, Kraang-crushing, mutant alligator monster! ''[realizes what he just said]'' I just said &quot;monster&quot;, didn't I?
:'''Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo''': Yeah.
:'''Mikey''': Well, you know what I meant!
:'''Raph''': I thought you meant &quot;monster&quot;.
:'''Donatello''': Yeah.
:'''Leo''': Mm-hm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Hey, guys! Leatherhead is totally off the chain.
:'''Raph''': You mean you set him free?!
:'''Mikey''': No, off the chain means he's cool. ''[his brothers sigh in relief]'' And that's why I set him free. ''[his brothers gasp]''
:''[Leatherhead sits and smiles innocently as he holds the pot of soup]''
:'''Donnie''': You let that maniac loose?! Maybe you forgot that he grabbed me by the face. So I'll remind you: he grabbed me... '''''BY THE FACE'''''!!!
:'''Raph''': Relax. You've been hurt worse since.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': But we're still chaining him up, right?
:'''Splinter''': Of course, I am compassionate, not insane.

== ''I, Monster'' [1.13] ==
:'''Splinter:''' No, Leonardo. I am not. It seems your enemy, Dr. Victor Falco, has returned and he now calls himself &quot;the Rat King.&quot; He will not stop until he has total control over every rat in the city...and my mind.
:'''Leo:''' Sensei?
:'''Splinter''': Everything I knew is gone- my wife, my daughter, even my humanity. You four are all I have left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Mikey, poke him.
:'''Mikey''': No way! I'm not poking him! You poke him!
:'''Leo''': OK, we'll put it to a vote.
:'''Raph, Donnie and Leo''': Mikey!
:'''Mikey''': I want a re-count!

== ''New Girl in Town'' [1.14] ==
:'''Raph''': And the award for worst leader goes to-
:'''Leo''': How am I the worst leader?
:'''Raph''': If we did this my way, Snakeweed would be toast by now!
:'''Mikey''': Ugh, that'd be some nasty toast.
:'''Leo''': This way would've worked if you hadn't wasted time second-guessing my orders!
:'''Raph''': Don't give bad orders, and I won't second-guess 'em!
:'''Leo''': You know what, Raph? If you think you could do better, why don't you lead?
:'''Raph''': First good idea you've had all day!
:''[Both growl at each other. Mikey cuts in.]''
:'''Mikey''': We'll compromise. I'll lead.
:''[Raph and Leo give him death glares. Mikey smiles sheepishy and steps away.]''
:'''Leo''': Fine, Raph, the team's yours. I'm out of here. ''[walks away]''
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe he's gone.
:'''Donnie''': Aw, don't worry, Mikey. Leo... just needs some space. ''[Mikey gives him an annoyed look]'' You meant the pizza guy, didn't you?
:'''Mikey''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You always talk to yourself?
:'''Leonardo''': Sometimes I'm the only one who'll listen.
:'''Karai''': I'll listen...when you beg for your life.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how well you do against someone who can see.
:'''Karai''': Let's see how you do against someone who's better than you.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how you do against- ''Let's just go!''
:''[The two start sparring playfully with their unique fighting styles]''
:'''Leonardo''': ''Judikai''-interesting.
:'''Karai''': ''Kojokiri''- predictable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You're good. No wonder we haven't wiped you out yet.
:'''Leonardo''': It's not like Shredder hasn't been trying.
:'''Karai''': I know. It's all he ever talks about! Revenge, revenge. Vendetta, vendetta.
:'''Leonardo''': Really. I take it you don't approve.
:'''Karai''': No, I'm fine with it. I'm just saying, he needs a hobby.

== ''The Alien Agenda'' [1.15] ==
:'''Donnie''': ''[to Mikey]'' You feel like we're missing something?
:'''Mikey''': All the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': So...
:'''Don''': We're thinking somebody should start talking!
:'''Leo''': I should have told you about Karai sooner, but I really thought there was a chance she would be good. And I guess I... sort of liked her. Go ahead, laugh.
:'''Mikey''': Dude, I can't believe you trusted her.
:'''Donnie''': I can't believe you didn't trust us enough to tell us.
:'''Leo''': I was wrong, I'm really sorry.
:'''April''': I tried to warn him.
:'''Raph''': You too, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raphael:''' Glad you came to your senses, bro.
: '''Leonardo:''' You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
: '''Raphael:''' I can see why you think she's hot...in an evil kind of way.
: '''Leonardo:''' Don't worry. I am so over that. 
:''[After Raph leaves, Leo looks dejected]''

== ''The Pulverizer'' [1.16] ==
:'''Donnie''': You okay?
:'''Pulverizer''': Uh, sure. ''[groans]'' You can survive with just one kidney, right?
:'''Raph''': Great, first this doofus gets in the way of a good Purple Dragon stomping, and now he knows where our lair is.
:'''Pulverizer''': Oh, no problem. I blacked out most of the way here.
:'''Donnie''': How do you even know we exist?
:'''Pulverizer''': Oh, I saw you months ago. ''[to Leo]'' You were like, &quot;Let's finish this!&quot; ''[to Raph]'' Oh, and you were like, all, &quot;You're going down!&quot; ''[to Mikey]'' And then you were, like, all, &quot;Bees!&quot; ''[to Donnie]'' Oh, and you were like... you were like the strong, silent type.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pulverizer''': ''[notices some Kraang tech]'' Hey, what's this? ''[picks up the Kraang tech, Donnie snatches it back]'' That looks like the stuff those guys were stealing.
:'''Donnie''': That's impossible. It's Kraang tech.
:'''Pulverizer''': ''[puzzled]'' What- what's a &quot;Kraang&quot;?
:'''Raph''': If we told you, we'd have to kill you. ''[pauses]'' You see, the Kraang are aliens from another dimension. ''[Leo elbows him to stop]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Raph is bitten by Fishface]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Raph! ''[picks him up]'' Are you alright?
:'''Raphael''': ''[woozily]'' I'm fine...''[smiling]'' I love you.
:'''Michelangelo''': ''HE'S NOT FINE!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[on the phone with Donnie]'' Donnie, we need help!! Raph's been bitten by a giant, poisonous, robotic fish!!
:'''Donatello''': That's not possible! If he was bitten, then it's venom, not poison.
:'''Michelangelo''': Interesting, interesting. ''GET OVER HERE!!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Donatello''': What are his symptoms?
:'''Michelangelo''': He keeps telling me I'm the smartest guy he knows.
:'''Donatello''': Okay, okay, he's delusional.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Raph, Leo and Mikey try to push the Shellraiser]''
:'''Raph''': Are you sure the parking brake's not on?
:'''Donnie''': For the hundredth time, YES! ''[notices that the parking brake is on]'' Oh, wait. ''[turns it off]'' Sorry, guys! Try it now.
:'''Leo, Mikey and Raph''': DONNIE!

== ''TCRI'' [1.17] ==
:'''Donatello''': I know I've seen this symbol; it's so familiar.
:'''Michelangelo''': The Olympics!
:'''Don''': No!
:'''Mikey''': I got it! The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': Stop guessing! Obviously it's a Kraang signal.
:'''Leo''': But from where?
:'''Mikey''': The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': ''QUIT IT!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': It's beautiful. Uh, Scientifically speaking.
:'''Raph''': Well, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
:'''Mikey''': Do you, Donatello, take this portal to be your lawfully wedded....
:'''Leo''': Knock it off!

== ''Cockroach Terminator'' [1.18] ==
:'''Leo''': Halt, Kraang!
:'''Kraang Droid''': The halting of Kraang would not be what the turtles shall be doing to Kraang.
:'''Leo''': Wrong! The halting of Kraang would be ''exactly'' what the turtles... Just halt!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Alright, Roachie, it's time to meet your maker!
:'''Donnie''': Wait, isn't that me?
:'''Mikey''': Exactly. Go get 'im, tiger!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph''': I'm sorry I tried to smash you, OK? I'm sorry. I've learned a very important lesson. I'll never be cruel again, just leave me alone!
:'''Mikey''': On one condition.
:'''Raph''': Aah! Anything!
:'''Mikey''': Be good to Michelangelo!
:'''Raph''': Aaghh! ''[realizes what he just heard]'' What?!
:'''Mikey''': Let him read your comics once in a while.
:'''Raph''': ''[turns to see Mikey]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''MIKEY!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[kicks his shell]''
:'''Mikey''': Ow! So much for learning your lesson.

== ''Baxter's Gambit'' [1.19] ==
:'''Mikey:''' Hey, Baxtin!
:'''Baxter:''' It's Baxter.
:'''Mikey:''' I was wondering, what made you so interested in a career of super villainy?
:'''Baxter:''' Well, since you won't be around to read my autobiography, I'll tell you. I was a frail, and delicately sensitive young child.
:'''Dogpound:''' Well, there's a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': I had intended to one day pass this on to my daughter. But I would like you to have it.
:'''April''': It's beautiful.
:'''Splinter''': Yes. And... 
:''[throws the Tessen fan at the Sacred Tree]''
:'''April''': I think we found my weapon.

== ''Enemy of My Enemy'' [1.20] ==
:'''Karai:''' I thought you were better than this! I thought you were my friend! How could you betray me! You're just as shortsighted and obsessed as Shredder!!
:'''Leonardo:''' You said yourself how bad Shredder is! Why are you protecting him!? You said he drives you crazy!
:'''Karai:''' He drives me crazy because he's my ''father''!
:'''Leonardo:''' ''Your father!?'' Shredder is your father? ''You're Shredder's daughter?''
:''[The Kraang ship flies closer]''
:'''Leo:''' We gotta stop that thing!
:'''Karai:''' Our deal's off! You want a feud? You got one!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Hey, the stealth bike's my thing!
:'''Leo''': Now your thing is sucking it up.
:'''Donnie''': Hey, that's my thing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donatello:''' Leo, it's not that bad. You blew up the Kraang ship.
:'''Leonardo''': ''[dejected]'' But I also blew our chance to get Karai on our side.
:'''Raph:''' Look, she's Shredder's daughter! His blood! She was never gonna be on our side!
:'''Leo:''' Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I just was believing what I wanted to.
:'''Mikey:''' I've been there, dude. For me, it was leprechauns.
:'''Leo:''' Are you seriously comparing what I am going through to the time you found out leprechauns aren't real?
:'''Mikey:''' Leprechauns aren't real!?

== ''Karai's Vendetta'' [1.21] ==
:''[the Shredder is a holding a squirming Kraang in his hand]''
:'''Shredder''': Why were you hunting the Turtles?!
:''[the Kraang only squeals in fear]''
:'''Karai''': They don't talk much outside their little houses.
:''[the Shredder puts the Kraang into its exo-suit, which it controls]''
:'''Kraang droid''': Kr-kr-Kraang is lacking the knowledge to answer the questions that the one known as Shredder is asking of Kraang.
:'''Shredder''': ''[surprised]'' Do they all speak like this?
:'''Kraang droid''': Even if Kraang is possessing the knowledge, the one known as Shredder will never be getting that knowledge from Kraang.
:'''Karai''': You didn't have any other plans for today, did you?
:'''Shredder:''' Let's try this again! ''[unsheathes one of his gauntlet blades and points at the Kraang threateningly]'' Why were you hunting the Turtles!?
:'''Kraang droid:''' The Turtles are protecting the life-form that is needed by Kraang. The one known as April O'Neil.
:'''Shredder:''' Who is this April O'Neil?
:'''Kraang droid:''' She is the one known as &quot;the one.&quot; She is the link that is missing in the plan of Kraang.
:'''Karai:''' So this April O'Neil is at the center of everything.
:'''Shredder:''' Then perhaps we can use her to bring the Turtles out of hiding. Karai, find this girl and bring her to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' What makes ''you'' so special!!? You're the center of an alien conspiracy, protected by mutants, and trained by a great ninja master!! ''Why!!''
:'''April:''' ''I don't know!!'' I'm flunking trig! My friends are mutants! Aliens got my dad! ''And I lost my mother!''
:'''Karai:''' What? You lost your mother?
:'''April''': ''[recalls what Splinter had told her about unbalancing her opponent]'' AHHH!! ''[Flips Karai down the subway steps]'' Not bad for a nobody.

== ''The Pulverizer Returns!'' [1.22] ==
:'''Mikey''': ''[with Leo's katana swords]'' Look, I'm Leo. ''[deeper pitched voice]'' Guys, shh. We have to be quiet. Ninjas are quiet. Quiet down.
:''[Raph and Donnie laugh]''
:'''Leo''': ''[offended]'' I sound nothing like that!
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes, that's why we're laughing, because you sound nothing like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pulverizer:''' This is my chance to be like you guys. Once I mutate I'll unleash all my awesome mutant powers on Shredder.
:'''Donnie:''' Uh, doing the mutation thing is notoriously unpredictable and ''really stupid!''

== ''Parasitica'' [1.23] ==
:'''Mikey''': Hey, Raph! Fire the weapons!
:'''Raph''': I don't think so.
:'''Mikey''': See, that's your problem. If I were in charge of weapons, I'd be firing at things all the time. That mailbox, blam! That newsstand, boom! That port-a-potty, splat!
:'''Leo''': And that's why you're not in charge of the weapons. Now get back to your station and tell me which way to go.
:'''Mikey''': Hmm... okay. Uh, you should turn right. ''[Leo turns right]'' ...three blocks ago. 
:''[Leo, Donnie and Raph groan.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Let's trash the place.
:'''Leo''': Hold on, Raph. This is a recon mission. We go in there, find out what the Kraang are up to, and ''then'' we trash the place.
:'''Raph''': Fine. Wake me when we get to the trashing part.
&lt;hr width=&quot;59%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': I can't believe Mikey actually came through.
:'''Leo''': I can't believe he fired the Shellraiser cannon inside the lair.
:'''Mikey''': I told you you should let me shoot it more often. ''[eats some pizza and burps; to Donnie]'' Pizza me.
:'''Donnie''': No, I'm not gonna &quot;pizza you&quot;.
:'''Mikey''': I guess you're right. It's not like I did something incredibly brave and saved your life.
:'''Leo''': You did save our lives. But you also used my favorite comic book as TOILET PAPER!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but I only did it so you'd chase me.
:'''Leo''': Well, it worked! ''[starts chasing Mikey]''
:'''Mikey''': WAIT! STOP!
:'''Leo''': MIKEY!
:''[Leo pounces on Mikey and beats him up]''
:'''Mikey''': I'M A HERO!

== ''Operation: Break Out'' [1.24] ==
:'''Donnie:''' What the heck was that?
:'''Raph:''' I was just having some fun. You know how much Mikey loves the Donnie puppet.
:'''Donnie:''' Dude, ''April'' was watching.
:'''Raph:''' I'm pretty sure she liked it... too. Wait. You still think you have a shot with her? 
:'''Donnie:''' Well... er, I mean-
:'''Raph:''' Wow. That's adorable and sad. It's &quot;sadorable&quot;. Look, if you wanna impress April, better leave me out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Why would Donnie try to rescue April's dad by himself?
:'''Raph:''' Maybe because I told him he has no shot with April?
:'''Leo:''' What? Why would you say that?
:'''Raph:''' Because he has no shot with April!
:'''Leo:''' Well, yeah, but you don't ''tell'' him that!
:'''Mikey:''' The heart's a soft muscle, man. A soft muscle. Squish.

== ''Showdown'' ==

* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] is revealed to be the presumably dead biological daughter of Hamato Yoshi/Splinter and his late wife Tang Shen. Her true name being '''Miwa'''.

=== Part 1 [1.25] ===
:'''Karai:''' Hey, there, Princess. Miss me?
:'''April:''' Yeah, actually. Last time I saw you, I forgot to give you ''this!'' ''[kicks Karai in the stomach]''
:'''Karai:''' You've done well. Now take the message to Splinter.
:'''April:''' Dad, what are you doing?! Dad!? You brainwashed him!
:'''Karai:''' I know. Pretty cool, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shredder:''' Hamato Yoshi, so glad you could accept my invitation.
:'''Splinter:''' What have you done with April!?
:'''Shredder:''' Now that you are here, Miss O'Neil is no longer any use to me. I gave her to my new friends- the Kraang.
:'''Splinter:''' ''[horrified]'' You fool! ''Do you have any idea what you've done!?''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[strikes Splinter from behind]'' Yes. I took your family away and I now I can put an end to ''you'' once and for all. 
:''[Splinter reveals his mutated rat face to his former adopted brother]''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[dumbfounded]'' What? A rat?! ''[chuckles mockingly]'' I see you are as hideous as those turtles that surround you. How fitting. You're a rat who has been caught in my trap.
:'''Splinter:''' Look closely at this face, Shredder.... ''[angrily]'' For it is the last thing you''ll ''ever see!''

=== Part 2 [1.26] ===

:'''Splinter''': ''[to Shredder]'' Oroku Saki, you were once my friend. I thought of you as my brother. 15 years ago, I was a different man. I had everything I could want - a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. And you, my loyal friend, jealousy consumed you. You sought that which was mine! You took everything that I love! ''Everything!'' And still you hunt me down! So I fight you now to end this!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April:''' Sensei, I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you earlier.
:'''Splinter:''' No need. You spoke what was in your heart. I am just relieved you made it home safely.
:'''Leo:''' What's wrong, sensei?
:'''Splinter:''' I learned some things from the Shredder.
:'''Leo:''' Like what?
:'''Splinter:''' That is a story for another time, Leonardo. Tonight is for celebration. After all, it's not everyday you save the world from an alien invasion.

== Characters ==
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Jason Biggs|Jason Biggs]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] 
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Sean Astin|Sean Astin]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Greg Cipes|Greg Cipes]]
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] / [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[w:Hoon Lee|Hoon Lee]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]]

===Supporting===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hamato Miwa/Karai]] - voiced by [[w:Kelly Hu|Kelly Hu]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Oroku Saki/Shredder/Super Shredder/Zombie Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman / Stockman-Fly]] – voiced by [[w:Phil LaMarr|Phil LaMarr]]
* [[w:Krang|Kraang]] / Kraang Prime - voiced by [[w:Roseanne Barr|Roseanne Barr]]

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series, season 1)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series) seasons|1]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>ci8gbzsjjn9dvyfmqf8r3fvgk6ga6u8</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>The Lego Batman Movie</title>
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'''''[[w:The Lego Batman Movie|The Lego Batman Movie]]''''' is a 2017 movie and a spin-off of ''[[The Lego Movie]]''.

''Directed by [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]]. Written by [[w:Seth Grahame-Smith|Seth Grahame-Smith]], [[w:Chris McKenna|Chris McKenna]],  Erik Sommers, Jared Stern, and John Whittington.''
{{center|'''Always Be Yourself... Unless You Can Be Batman'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}
== [[Batman]] / [[Bruce Wayne]]==
* ''[first lines of the film; voice over]'' Black. All important movies start with a black screen... and music... edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... [[w:Warner Bros|Warner Bros]] (&quot;Brawss&quot;). Why not &quot;Warner Brothers&quot;? I don't know. &quot;[[w:DC Comics|DC]].&quot; The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what [[w:RatPac-Dune Entertainment|RatPac]] does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. 
* Okay. Get your self ready for some... reading: &quot;If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make that change. Hooo.&quot; Hey, I said that. Batman is very wise. And I've got huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab.
* Hey 'Puter, I'm home. ''[echoing]''
* Looks like your plan failed.
* I can only look you in the eyes right now.
* How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met!
* The first lesson is: Life doesn't give you seat belts!
* Vigilantes don't have bedtimes!
* What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the other criminals? That's a stupid idea!
* [[w:Heroes (We Could Be)|This music]] fills me with rage! Let's use it!
* Hang on a second.. I gotta get my pump on! It's worth it! These abs are no fluke.. 
* Look who's bat!

== [[The Joker]] ==
* Hi, Batman!
* Come catch your greatest enemy!
* Superman's not a bad guy!
* Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?
* Hey Batman! I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff! Gonna have to rename this the &quot;Buttmobile&quot;.
* You had me at &quot;shut up&quot;...

== [[Robin]] / [[Dick Grayson]] ==
* Hello, secret camera.
* Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
* We can have sleepovers every night! 
* Do I get a costume for the mission too?
* I love it! Ah! Feels like I was poured into this. My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight. I don't know if I could throw a kick or jump in them. I got an idea. Rip! That's better! 
* Now I'm free, now I'm movin'. Come on, Batman, let's get groovin'! 
* Oh, I am down to stop that clown!   
* I love compliments!

== [[Barbara Gordon]] / [[Batgirl]] ==
* It's my dream to team up with Batman.
* If you call me &quot;Batgirl&quot;, can I call you &quot;Batboy&quot;?

== Alfred Pennyworth ==
* Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]], and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]], and [[The Dark Knight|2008]], and [[Batman Begins|2005]], and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]], and [[Batman Forever|1995]], and [[Batman Returns|1992]], and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]]... and [[Batman (1966 film)|that ''weird'' one in 1966]].

== [[w:Harleen Quinzel|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]] ==
* Joker, do you read me?
* Nobody's got a smile like you, Mr. J.
* I sure do! Time for operation &quot;Take Out The Laundry!&quot;
* Hi there! I'm from Phantom's Own Laundry. Gonna take the bags off 'ya hands.
* No, but you're going down!
* Actually you're right. I am going up. Ding!
* Here. Comes. The. Phantom Zone!
* -Gasp- Yes!
* Boo-Boo

== Voldemort ==
* Accio Lightning Storm!
* You're a fish! You're a frog! You're a fish-frog!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Joker''': I’m afraid Captain Dale had to bail! I’m your new co-pilot! And I always come to work... with a ''smile''!
:('''Pilot Billson''' ''stares unimpressed)''
:'''Joker''': ... You should be terrified.
:'''Pilot Billson''': Why?
:'''Joker''': Because... I will be taking over the city!
:'''Pilot Billson''': Mmm... 
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Pilot Billson''': Batman will stop you.
:'''Joker''': Pffft!
:'''Pilot Billson''': He always stops you.
:'''Joker''': No he doesn’t!
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:The Dark Knight (film)|that time with the two boats]]?
:'''Joker''': This is better than the two boats.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Mmm.
:'''Joker''': Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:Batman (1989 film)|that time with the parade and the Prince music]]?
:'''Joker''': Hey, quiet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': Pizza delivery!
:'''Joker''': Bane!
:'''Bane''': Hello.
:'''Joker''': Two-Face!
:'''Two-Face''': We need that door open baby.
:'''Joker''': Catwoman!
:'''Catwoman''': Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.
:'''Joker''': And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!
:'''Cop''': Freeze!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': No, you freeze.
:'''Joker''': Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!
:'''Pilot Bill''': … Okay, are you making some of these up?
:'''Joker''': Nope, [[w:List of Batman Family adversaries|they’re all real]]! Probably worth a Google

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after realizing that Mayor McCaskill is actually Batman]'' Batman?! What are you doing? You are completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?!
:'''Batman''': You want to get nuts? Then come on. Let's get nuts! Because I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all of your butts.
:'''Joker''': ''[to all the bad guys]'' Stop him before he starts singing!    

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...
:'''Batman''': Superman.
:'''Joker''': Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, ''nothing'' special about our relationship?!
:'''Batman''': Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do {{w|shipping (fandom)|ships}}.
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Batman''': As in ''relationships''. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. ''(Joker's face is slowly saddening)'' I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean ''nothing'' to me. ''(Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause)'' No one does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''''Puter''': What is the password?
:'''Batman''': [[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man sucks]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
:'''Batman''': At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
:'''Alfred''': I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]] and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]] and [[The Dark Knight (film)|2008]] and [[Batman Begins|2005]] and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]] and [[Batman Forever|1995]] and [[Batman Returns|1992]] and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]] and that weird one in [[Batman (TV series)|1966]]. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
:'''Batman''': I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
:'''Alfred''': Sir, it's morning. ''[clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]''
:'''Batman''': Hiss! Sun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally.
:'''Batman''': Yeah, I love it.
:'''Alfred''': You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
:'''Batman''': Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.
:'''Alfred''': But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?
:'''Batman''': Snakes?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Clowns?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Snake-clowns?
:'''Alfred''': Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
:''[Batman looks at the family pictures]''
:'''Batman''': Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
:'''Alfred''': Sir-
:'''Batman''': Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
:'''Batman''': It is possible. I'm already at twenty.
:'''Alfred''': You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
:'''Batman''': What? No! I don't wanna do that!
:'''Alfred''': You're going to have a good time.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': You might meet some new people.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': Even make some new friends.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! ''[to the tune of the Adam West theme song]'' No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! ''[beatboxes]'' No!!
:'''Alfred''': And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.
:'''Batman''': ''[gasps]'' Tuxedo dress-up party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': My name's Richard Grayson, but the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Well, children can be cruel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': It is my dream for the Police Force to someday team up with Batman!
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I hate everything you just said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': Batman has been on the job for a [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|very]], very, very, very, very, very, [[Batman (1989 film)|very]], [[Batman (1966 film)|very]], [[w:Batman (serial)|long time]].
:'''Bruce Wayne''': He has aged phenomenally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
:'''Batman''': No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.
:'''Robin''': Did Gandhi really say that?
:'''Batman''': I'm paraphrasing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batgirl''': Batman! Why'd you build these thing with only one seat?
:'''Batman''': Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!
:'''Batman''': Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
''(At Joker Manor...)''
:'''Joker''': Hi, Bats!
:'''Batman''': What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
:'''Joker''': What happened to all your friends?
:'''Batman''': I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
:'''Joker''': Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
:'''Batman''': Is this about that stupid &quot;greatest enemy&quot; thing?
:'''Joker''': No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
:'''Villain #1''': You tell 'im, Joker!
:'''Shark''': It's time for a fresh start!
:'''[[The Daleks|Daleks]]''': He's not worth it!
:'''Joker''': I think [[Wikipedia:Batman (comic book)|after 78 years]], I deserve respect!
:'''Harley''': That is right; respect!
:'''Joker''': Do you realize that you have never once said the words, &quot;I hate you, Joker&quot;?
:'''Harley''': Not once!
:'''Batman''': Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
:'''Joker''': Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
:'''Villains''': Aww!
:'''Villain #2''': That's nice.
:'''Joker''': Now you say it.
:'''Batman''': Me, too.
:''(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)''
:'''Joker''': You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
:'''Villain #3''': Batman will never say it!
:'''Harley''': You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
:'''Joker''': These disease lunatics are right.
:'''[[Harry Potter (series)|Voldemort]]''': Yes, we are.
:'''Joker''': I'm ''not'' gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
:'''Harley''': Yes!
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': You and I are done.
:'''Batman''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Joker''': I'm moving on!
:'''Batman''': That's ridiculous.
:'''Joker''': And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
:'''Batman''': No, you're not serious.
:'''Voldemort''': Wingardium Leviosa! ''(He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)''
:'''Joker''': You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... ''(He pulls out the [[Wikipedia:Phantom Zone|Phantom Zone]] projector.)'' ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute, hold on a second!
:''(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)''
:'''Harley''': Good for you, Booboo!
:''(The others cheer.)''
:'''Joker''': Everybody get a bomb! Let's go! Bomb, bomb, bomb! Let's bomb it out! ''(gives Harley the Phantom Zone projector)''
:''(The others cheer.)''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:''(In the Phantom Zone after seeing Batman's videos)''
:'''Phyllis''': Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.
:'''Batman''': What? ''(sees the video of Batman sending his friends away)'' Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.
:'''Phyllis''': By pushing them away?
:'''Batman''': Well, yeah.
:'''Phyllis''': Are they really the ones you are protecting?
:'''Batgirl''': Computer, Batman's in danger!
:'''Robin''': Please, computer! Take us back!
:'''Batgirl''': Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?
:'''Computer''': Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. ''(begins to turn around)''
:'''Batman''': What are they doing?
:'''Joker''': ''(back at Joker Manor)'' Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. ''(sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them)'' Well, hello!
:'''Batgirl''': ''(flies to the cliffside)'' Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. ''(King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart)'' Hold on!
:'''Batman''': No!
:'''Joker''': Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!
:'''Batgirl''': ''[crash lands the ship and they run)'' Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!
:'''Batman''': Wait, where's Dick?
:'''Phyllis''': The little guy? He's over there. ''(points to Dick in the Batcave)''
:'''Computer''': Initializing Batman operating system.
:'''Batman''': What's he doing?
:'''Robin''': I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Robin''': I know. Not listen to anyone else. ''(pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles)'' Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. ''(puts on a mask and talks really low)'' And go in alone!
:'''Batman''': Kid, don't do that!
:'''Computer''': ''(as Robin randomly pushes buttons on Batman's vehicle)'' Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
:'''Batman''': Don't do what I would do! ''(Robin drives away)'' I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. ''(stammers)'' I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.
:'''Phyllis''': I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.
:'''Batman''': Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.
:'''Phyllis''': Hm. She sure would.
:'''Batman''': Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.
:'''Phyllis''': But haven't you tried that before?
:'''Batgirl''': This way, Alfred! ''(dodges King Kong's attack)''
:'''Phyllis''': You do the same thing over and over. ''(Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps)'' What's gonna change?
:'''Alfred''': ''(Alfred and Batgirl are surrounded)'' No!
:'''Batman''': I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. ''(Robin drives out of the Joker Manor)'' You gotta let me go down there and save them. ''(Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably)'' I'll do whatever you want. ''(Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong)'' Please.
:'''Robot''': ''(about to kill Alfred)'' Exterminate!
:'''Batman''': Please!
:'''Phyllis''': Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.
:'''Batman''': I promise!
:'''Phyllis''': ''(Robin drives towards King Kong)'' And I mean ''all'' of them.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Robin''': Padre, where are you going?
:'''Batman''': I made a promise. I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone. Sorry, kid.
:'''Robin''': Padre, please.
:'''Batman''': Don't call me Padre.
:'''Robin''': Okay.
:'''Batman''': Call me... Dads.
:'''Robin''': My two dads are the same dad. But they're both leaving.
:'''Batman''': It's gonna be okay, kid. Sometimes, losing people is part of life. But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in. Some very wise people taught me that. My father figure. My platonic coworker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend. And you. Mi hijo. It's Spanish for &quot;son.&quot; This is my family, but it's your family, too.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Batman''': Do you have a knife?
:'''Batgirl''': Why?
:'''Batman''': 'Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately. Okay. I deserved that.
:'''Phyllis''': Hi.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute. What's going on? I came back, just like I said I would.
:'''Phyllis''': You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.
:'''Batman''': Who?
:'''Phyllis''': Superman.
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Phyllis''': I'm kidding. It's you.

== Taglines ==
* Always be yourself... unless you can be Batman.
* It's on.
* He's taking them under his wing...of awesomeness.

== Cast == 
* [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Batman]] /  [[w:Bruce Wayne|Bruce Wayne]]
* [[Zach Galifianakis]] as [[w:Joker (comics)|the Joker]]
* [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as [[w:Dick Grayson|Dick Grayson]] / [[w:Robin (comics)|Robin]]
* [[w:Rosario Dawson|Rosario Dawson]] as [[w:Barbara Gordon|Barbara Gordon]] / [[w:Batgirl|Batgirl]]
* [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] as [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] as [[w:Harley Quinn|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]]
* [[Mariah Carey]] as [[w:List of mayors of Gotham City|Mayor McCaskill]]
* [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as [[w:Two-Face|Two-Face]]
* [[w:Siri|Siri]] as [[w:Batcomputer|the Batcomputer]] (referred to as &quot;Puter&quot; in the film)
* [[w:Héctor Elizondo|Héctor Elizondo]] as [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner James Gordon]]
* Lauren White as [[w:List of Batman television series characters#Chief Miles O.27Hara|Chief O'Hara]], [[w:Medusa|Medusa]]
* [[Eddie Izzard]] as [[w:Lord Voldemort|Lord Voldemort]]
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] as [[w:King Kong|King Kong]]
* [[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] as [[w:Sauron|Sauron]]
* [[w:Riki Lindhome|Riki Lindhome]] as [[w:Poison Ivy (comics)|Poison Ivy]], [[w:Wicked Witch of the West|Wicked Witch of the West]]
* [[Conan O'Brien]] as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]
* [[w:Jason Mantzoukas|Jason Mantzoukas]] as [[w:Scarecrow (DC Comics)|Scarecrow]]
* [[w:Zoë Kravitz|Zoë Kravitz]] as [[w:Catwoman|Catwoman]]
* [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] as [[w:Clayface|Clayface]]
* [[w:Doug Benson|Doug Benson]] as [[w:Bane (comics)|Bane]]
* [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Anchorman Phil, [[w:Mr. Freeze|Mr. Freeze]]
* [[w:Matt Villa|Matt Villa]] as [[w:Killer Croc|Killer Croc]]
* [[w:Laura Kightlinger|Laura Kightlinger]] as Reporter Pippa, [[w:Orca (comics)|Orca]]
* [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as Captain Dale
* [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Pilot Bill
* [[w:Richard Cheese|Richard Cheese]] as Himself (archive recording)
* [[w:Channing Tatum|Channing Tatum]] as [[w:Superman|Superman]]
* [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] as Phyllis
* [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]] as [[w:Hal Jordan|Hal Jordan]] / [[w:Green Lantern|Green Lantern]]
* [[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as [[w:The Flash|The Flash]]
* [[w:Brent Musburger|Brent Musburger]] as Reporter #1
* [[w:Ralph Garman|Ralph Garman]] as Reporter #2
* [[w:Chris Hardwick|Chris Hardwick]] as Reporter #3

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Commonscat-inline}}
* {{imdb title| id=4116284| title=The Lego Batman Movie }}

{{Batman}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}}
[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:Animated Batman films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Animated Superman films]]
[[Category:Films based on toys]]
[[Category:Animated Joker films]]
[[Category:The Lego Movie|Batman]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]
[[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lego Batman Movie|The Lego Batman Movie]]''''' is a 2017 animated superhero comedy film and a spin-off of ''[[The Lego Movie]]''.

''Directed by [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]]. Written by [[w:Seth Grahame-Smith|Seth Grahame-Smith]], [[w:Chris McKenna|Chris McKenna]],  Erik Sommers, Jared Stern, and John Whittington.''
{{center|'''Always be yourself...unless you can be Batman.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[Batman]] / [[Bruce Wayne]]==
* ''[first lines of the film; voice over]'' Black. All important movies start with a black screen... and music... edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... [[w:Warner Bros|Warner Bros]] (&quot;Brawss&quot;). Why not &quot;Warner Brothers&quot;? I don't know. &quot;[[w:DC Comics|DC]].&quot; The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what [[w:RatPac-Dune Entertainment|RatPac]] does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. 
* Okay. Get your self ready for some... reading: &quot;If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make that change. Hooo.&quot; Hey, I said that. Batman is very wise. And I've got huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab.
* Hey 'Puter, I'm home. ''[echoing]''
* Looks like your plan failed.
* I can only look you in the eyes right now.
* How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met!
* The first lesson is: Life doesn't give you seat belts!
* Vigilantes don't have bedtimes!
* What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the other criminals? That's a stupid idea!
* [[w:Heroes (We Could Be)|This music]] fills me with rage! Let's use it!
* Hang on a second.. I gotta get my pump on! It's worth it! These abs are no fluke.. 
* Look who's bat!

== [[The Joker]] ==
* Hi, Batman!
* Come catch your greatest enemy!
* Superman's not a bad guy!
* Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?
* Hey Batman! I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff! Gonna have to rename this the &quot;Buttmobile&quot;.
* You had me at &quot;shut up&quot;...

== [[Robin]] / [[Dick Grayson]] ==
* Hello, secret camera.
* Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
* We can have sleepovers every night! 
* Do I get a costume for the mission too?
* I love it! Ah! Feels like I was poured into this. My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight. I don't know if I could throw a kick or jump in them. I got an idea. Rip! That's better! 
* Now I'm free, now I'm movin'. Come on, Batman, let's get groovin'! 
* Oh, I am down to stop that clown!   
* I love compliments!

== [[Barbara Gordon]] / [[Batgirl]] ==
* It's my dream to team up with Batman.
* If you call me &quot;Batgirl&quot;, can I call you &quot;Batboy&quot;?

== Alfred Pennyworth ==
* Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]], and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]], and [[The Dark Knight|2008]], and [[Batman Begins|2005]], and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]], and [[Batman Forever|1995]], and [[Batman Returns|1992]], and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]]... and [[Batman (1966 film)|that ''weird'' one in 1966]].

== [[w:Harleen Quinzel|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]] ==
* Joker, do you read me?
* Nobody's got a smile like you, Mr. J.
* I sure do! Time for operation &quot;Take Out The Laundry!&quot;
* Hi there! I'm from Phantom's Own Laundry. Gonna take the bags off 'ya hands.
* No, but you're going down!
* Actually you're right. I am going up. Ding!
* Here. Comes. The. Phantom Zone!
* -Gasp- Yes!
* Boo-Boo

== Voldemort ==
* Accio Lightning Storm!
* You're a fish! You're a frog! You're a fish-frog!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Joker''': I’m afraid Captain Dale had to bail! I’m your new co-pilot! And I always come to work... with a ''smile''!
:('''Pilot Billson''' ''stares unimpressed)''
:'''Joker''': ... You should be terrified.
:'''Pilot Billson''': Why?
:'''Joker''': Because... I will be taking over the city!
:'''Pilot Billson''': Mmm... 
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Pilot Billson''': Batman will stop you.
:'''Joker''': Pffft!
:'''Pilot Billson''': He always stops you.
:'''Joker''': No he doesn’t!
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:The Dark Knight (film)|that time with the two boats]]?
:'''Joker''': This is better than the two boats.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Mmm.
:'''Joker''': Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:Batman (1989 film)|that time with the parade and the Prince music]]?
:'''Joker''': Hey, quiet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': Pizza delivery!
:'''Joker''': Bane!
:'''Bane''': Hello.
:'''Joker''': Two-Face!
:'''Two-Face''': We need that door open baby.
:'''Joker''': Catwoman!
:'''Catwoman''': Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.
:'''Joker''': And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!
:'''Cop''': Freeze!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': No, you freeze.
:'''Joker''': Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!
:'''Pilot Bill''': … Okay, are you making some of these up?
:'''Joker''': Nope, [[w:List of Batman Family adversaries|they’re all real]]! Probably worth a Google

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after realizing that Mayor McCaskill is actually Batman]'' Batman?! What are you doing? You are completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?!
:'''Batman''': You want to get nuts? Then come on. Let's get nuts! Because I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all of your butts.
:'''Joker''': ''[to all the bad guys]'' Stop him before he starts singing!    

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...
:'''Batman''': Superman.
:'''Joker''': Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, ''nothing'' special about our relationship?!
:'''Batman''': Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do {{w|shipping (fandom)|ships}}.
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Batman''': As in ''relationships''. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. ''(Joker's face is slowly saddening)'' I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean ''nothing'' to me. ''(Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause)'' No one does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''''Puter''': What is the password?
:'''Batman''': [[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man sucks]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
:'''Batman''': At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
:'''Alfred''': I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]] and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]] and [[The Dark Knight (film)|2008]] and [[Batman Begins|2005]] and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]] and [[Batman Forever|1995]] and [[Batman Returns|1992]] and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]] and that weird one in [[Batman (TV series)|1966]]. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
:'''Batman''': I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
:'''Alfred''': Sir, it's morning. ''[clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]''
:'''Batman''': Hiss! Sun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally.
:'''Batman''': Yeah, I love it.
:'''Alfred''': You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
:'''Batman''': Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.
:'''Alfred''': But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?
:'''Batman''': Snakes?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Clowns?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Snake-clowns?
:'''Alfred''': Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
:''[Batman looks at the family pictures]''
:'''Batman''': Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
:'''Alfred''': Sir-
:'''Batman''': Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
:'''Batman''': It is possible. I'm already at twenty.
:'''Alfred''': You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
:'''Batman''': What? No! I don't wanna do that!
:'''Alfred''': You're going to have a good time.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': You might meet some new people.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': Even make some new friends.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! ''[to the tune of the Adam West theme song]'' No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! ''[beatboxes]'' No!!
:'''Alfred''': And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.
:'''Batman''': ''[gasps]'' Tuxedo dress-up party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': My name's Richard Grayson, but the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Well, children can be cruel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': It is my dream for the Police Force to someday team up with Batman!
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I hate everything you just said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': Batman has been on the job for a [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|very]], very, very, very, very, very, [[Batman (1989 film)|very]], [[Batman (1966 film)|very]], [[w:Batman (serial)|long time]].
:'''Bruce Wayne''': He has aged phenomenally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
:'''Batman''': No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.
:'''Robin''': Did Gandhi really say that?
:'''Batman''': I'm paraphrasing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batgirl''': Batman! Why'd you build these thing with only one seat?
:'''Batman''': Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!
:'''Batman''': Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
''(At Joker Manor...)''
:'''Joker''': Hi, Bats!
:'''Batman''': What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
:'''Joker''': What happened to all your friends?
:'''Batman''': I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
:'''Joker''': Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
:'''Batman''': Is this about that stupid &quot;greatest enemy&quot; thing?
:'''Joker''': No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
:'''Villain #1''': You tell 'im, Joker!
:'''Shark''': It's time for a fresh start!
:'''[[The Daleks|Daleks]]''': He's not worth it!
:'''Joker''': I think [[Wikipedia:Batman (comic book)|after 78 years]], I deserve respect!
:'''Harley''': That is right; respect!
:'''Joker''': Do you realize that you have never once said the words, &quot;I hate you, Joker&quot;?
:'''Harley''': Not once!
:'''Batman''': Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
:'''Joker''': Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
:'''Villains''': Aww!
:'''Villain #2''': That's nice.
:'''Joker''': Now you say it.
:'''Batman''': Me, too.
:''(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)''
:'''Joker''': You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
:'''Villain #3''': Batman will never say it!
:'''Harley''': You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
:'''Joker''': These disease lunatics are right.
:'''[[Harry Potter (series)|Voldemort]]''': Yes, we are.
:'''Joker''': I'm ''not'' gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
:'''Harley''': Yes!
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': You and I are done.
:'''Batman''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Joker''': I'm moving on!
:'''Batman''': That's ridiculous.
:'''Joker''': And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
:'''Batman''': No, you're not serious.
:'''Voldemort''': Wingardium Leviosa! ''(He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)''
:'''Joker''': You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... ''(He pulls out the [[Wikipedia:Phantom Zone|Phantom Zone]] projector.)'' ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute, hold on a second!
:''(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)''
:'''Harley''': Good for you, Booboo!
:''(The others cheer.)''
:'''Joker''': Everybody get a bomb! Let's go! Bomb, bomb, bomb! Let's bomb it out! ''(gives Harley the Phantom Zone projector)''
:''(The others cheer.)''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:''(In the Phantom Zone after seeing Batman's videos)''
:'''Phyllis''': Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.
:'''Batman''': What? ''(sees the video of Batman sending his friends away)'' Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.
:'''Phyllis''': By pushing them away?
:'''Batman''': Well, yeah.
:'''Phyllis''': Are they really the ones you are protecting?
:'''Batgirl''': Computer, Batman's in danger!
:'''Robin''': Please, computer! Take us back!
:'''Batgirl''': Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?
:'''Computer''': Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. ''(begins to turn around)''
:'''Batman''': What are they doing?
:'''Joker''': ''(back at Joker Manor)'' Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. ''(sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them)'' Well, hello!
:'''Batgirl''': ''(flies to the cliffside)'' Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. ''(King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart)'' Hold on!
:'''Batman''': No!
:'''Joker''': Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!
:'''Batgirl''': ''[crash lands the ship and they run)'' Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!
:'''Batman''': Wait, where's Dick?
:'''Phyllis''': The little guy? He's over there. ''(points to Dick in the Batcave)''
:'''Computer''': Initializing Batman operating system.
:'''Batman''': What's he doing?
:'''Robin''': I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Robin''': I know. Not listen to anyone else. ''(pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles)'' Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. ''(puts on a mask and talks really low)'' And go in alone!
:'''Batman''': Kid, don't do that!
:'''Computer''': ''(as Robin randomly pushes buttons on Batman's vehicle)'' Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
:'''Batman''': Don't do what I would do! ''(Robin drives away)'' I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. ''(stammers)'' I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.
:'''Phyllis''': I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.
:'''Batman''': Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.
:'''Phyllis''': Hm. She sure would.
:'''Batman''': Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.
:'''Phyllis''': But haven't you tried that before?
:'''Batgirl''': This way, Alfred! ''(dodges King Kong's attack)''
:'''Phyllis''': You do the same thing over and over. ''(Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps)'' What's gonna change?
:'''Alfred''': ''(Alfred and Batgirl are surrounded)'' No!
:'''Batman''': I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. ''(Robin drives out of the Joker Manor)'' You gotta let me go down there and save them. ''(Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably)'' I'll do whatever you want. ''(Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong)'' Please.
:'''Robot''': ''(about to kill Alfred)'' Exterminate!
:'''Batman''': Please!
:'''Phyllis''': Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.
:'''Batman''': I promise!
:'''Phyllis''': ''(Robin drives towards King Kong)'' And I mean ''all'' of them.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Robin''': Padre, where are you going?
:'''Batman''': I made a promise. I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone. Sorry, kid.
:'''Robin''': Padre, please.
:'''Batman''': Don't call me Padre.
:'''Robin''': Okay.
:'''Batman''': Call me... Dads.
:'''Robin''': My two dads are the same dad. But they're both leaving.
:'''Batman''': It's gonna be okay, kid. Sometimes, losing people is part of life. But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in. Some very wise people taught me that. My father figure. My platonic coworker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend. And you. Mi hijo. It's Spanish for &quot;son.&quot; This is my family, but it's your family, too.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Batman''': Do you have a knife?
:'''Batgirl''': Why?
:'''Batman''': 'Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately. Okay. I deserved that.
:'''Phyllis''': Hi.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute. What's going on? I came back, just like I said I would.
:'''Phyllis''': You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.
:'''Batman''': Who?
:'''Phyllis''': Superman.
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Phyllis''': I'm kidding. It's you.

== Taglines ==
* Always be yourself... unless you can be Batman.
* It's on.
* He's taking them under his wing...of awesomeness.

== Cast == 
* [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Batman]] /  [[w:Bruce Wayne|Bruce Wayne]]
* [[Zach Galifianakis]] as [[w:Joker (comics)|the Joker]]
* [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as [[w:Dick Grayson|Dick Grayson]] / [[w:Robin (comics)|Robin]]
* [[w:Rosario Dawson|Rosario Dawson]] as [[w:Barbara Gordon|Barbara Gordon]] / [[w:Batgirl|Batgirl]]
* [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] as [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] as [[w:Harley Quinn|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]]
* [[Mariah Carey]] as [[w:List of mayors of Gotham City|Mayor McCaskill]]
* [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as [[w:Two-Face|Two-Face]]
* [[w:Siri|Siri]] as [[w:Batcomputer|the Batcomputer]] (referred to as &quot;Puter&quot; in the film)
* [[w:Héctor Elizondo|Héctor Elizondo]] as [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner James Gordon]]
* Lauren White as [[w:List of Batman television series characters#Chief Miles O.27Hara|Chief O'Hara]], [[w:Medusa|Medusa]]
* [[Eddie Izzard]] as [[w:Lord Voldemort|Lord Voldemort]]
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] as [[w:King Kong|King Kong]]
* [[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] as [[w:Sauron|Sauron]]
* [[w:Riki Lindhome|Riki Lindhome]] as [[w:Poison Ivy (comics)|Poison Ivy]], [[w:Wicked Witch of the West|Wicked Witch of the West]]
* [[Conan O'Brien]] as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]
* [[w:Jason Mantzoukas|Jason Mantzoukas]] as [[w:Scarecrow (DC Comics)|Scarecrow]]
* [[w:Zoë Kravitz|Zoë Kravitz]] as [[w:Catwoman|Catwoman]]
* [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] as [[w:Clayface|Clayface]]
* [[w:Doug Benson|Doug Benson]] as [[w:Bane (comics)|Bane]]
* [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Anchorman Phil, [[w:Mr. Freeze|Mr. Freeze]]
* [[w:Matt Villa|Matt Villa]] as [[w:Killer Croc|Killer Croc]]
* [[w:Laura Kightlinger|Laura Kightlinger]] as Reporter Pippa, [[w:Orca (comics)|Orca]]
* [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as Captain Dale
* [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Pilot Bill
* [[w:Richard Cheese|Richard Cheese]] as Himself (archive recording)
* [[w:Channing Tatum|Channing Tatum]] as [[w:Superman|Superman]]
* [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] as Phyllis
* [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]] as [[w:Hal Jordan|Hal Jordan]] / [[w:Green Lantern|Green Lantern]]
* [[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as [[w:The Flash|The Flash]]
* [[w:Brent Musburger|Brent Musburger]] as Reporter #1
* [[w:Ralph Garman|Ralph Garman]] as Reporter #2
* [[w:Chris Hardwick|Chris Hardwick]] as Reporter #3

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Commonscat-inline}}
* {{imdb title| id=4116284| title=The Lego Batman Movie }}

{{Batman}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}}
[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:Animated Batman films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Animated Superman films]]
[[Category:Films based on toys]]
[[Category:Animated Joker films]]
[[Category:The Lego Movie|Batman]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]
[[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]]</text>
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      <text bytes="21593" sha1="3vwbnxa2xszy9yeksp3wjbgo6u0zqf3" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Lego Batman Movie|The Lego Batman Movie]]''''' is a 2017 animated superhero comedy film and a spin-off of ''[[The Lego Movie]]''.

''Directed by [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]]. Written by [[w:Seth Grahame-Smith|Seth Grahame-Smith]], [[w:Chris McKenna|Chris McKenna]],  Erik Sommers, Jared Stern, and John Whittington.''
{{center|'''Always be yourself...unless you can be Batman.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[Batman]] / [[Bruce Wayne]]==
* ''[first lines of the film; voice over]'' Black. All important movies start with a black screen... and music... edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... [[w:Warner Bros|Warner Bros]] (&quot;Brawss&quot;). Why not &quot;Warner Brothers&quot;? I don't know. &quot;[[w:DC Comics|DC]].&quot; The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what [[w:RatPac-Dune Entertainment|RatPac]] does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. 
* Okay. Get your self ready for some... reading: &quot;If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make that change. Hooo.&quot; Hey, I said that. Batman is very wise. And I've got huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab.
* Hey 'Puter, I'm home. ''[echoing]''
* Looks like your plan failed.
* I can only look you in the eyes right now.
* How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met!
* The first lesson is: Life doesn't give you seat belts!
* Vigilantes don't have bedtimes!
* What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the other criminals? That's a stupid idea!
* [[w:Heroes (We Could Be)|This music]] fills me with rage! Let's use it!
* Hang on a second.. I gotta get my pump on! It's worth it! These abs are no fluke.. 
* Look who's bat!

== [[The Joker]] ==
* Hi, Batman!
* Come catch your greatest enemy!
* Superman's not a bad guy!
* Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?
* Hey Batman! I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff! Gonna have to rename this the &quot;Buttmobile&quot;.
* You had me at &quot;shut up&quot;...

== [[Robin]] / [[Dick Grayson]] ==
* Hello, secret camera.
* Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
* We can have sleepovers every night! 
* Do I get a costume for the mission too?
* I love it! Ah! Feels like I was poured into this. My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight. I don't know if I could throw a kick or jump in them. I got an idea. Rip! That's better! 
* Now I'm free, now I'm movin'. Come on, Batman, let's get groovin'! 
* Oh, I am down to stop that clown!   
* I love compliments!

== [[Barbara Gordon]] / [[Batgirl]] ==
* It's my dream to team up with Batman.
* If you call me &quot;Batgirl&quot;, can I call you &quot;Batboy&quot;?

== Alfred Pennyworth ==
* Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]], and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]], and [[The Dark Knight|2008]], and [[Batman Begins|2005]], and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]], and [[Batman Forever|1995]], and [[Batman Returns|1992]], and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]]... and [[Batman (1966 film)|that ''weird'' one in 1966]].

== [[w:Harleen Quinzel|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]] ==
* Joker, do you read me?
* Nobody's got a smile like you, Mr. J.
* I sure do! Time for operation &quot;Take Out The Laundry!&quot;
* Hi there! I'm from Phantom's Own Laundry. Gonna take the bags off 'ya hands.
* No, but you're going down!
* Actually you're right. I am going up. Ding!
* Here. Comes. The. Phantom Zone!
* -Gasp- Yes!
* Boo-Boo

== Voldemort ==
* Accio Lightning Storm!
* You're a fish! You're a frog! You're a fish-frog!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Joker''': I’m afraid Captain Dale had to bail! I’m your new co-pilot! And I always come to work... with a ''smile''!
:('''Pilot Billson''' ''stares unimpressed)''
:'''Joker''': ... You should be terrified.
:'''Pilot Billson''': Why?
:'''Joker''': Because... I will be taking over the city!
:'''Pilot Billson''': Mmm... 
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Pilot Billson''': Batman will stop you.
:'''Joker''': Pffft!
:'''Pilot Billson''': He always stops you.
:'''Joker''': No he doesn’t!
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:The Dark Knight (film)|that time with the two boats]]?
:'''Joker''': This is better than the two boats.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Mmm.
:'''Joker''': Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.
:'''Pilot Bill''': Like [[w:Batman (1989 film)|that time with the parade and the Prince music]]?
:'''Joker''': Hey, quiet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': Pizza delivery!
:'''Joker''': Bane!
:'''Bane''': Hello.
:'''Joker''': Two-Face!
:'''Two-Face''': We need that door open baby.
:'''Joker''': Catwoman!
:'''Catwoman''': Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.
:'''Joker''': And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!
:'''Cop''': Freeze!
:'''Mr. Freeze''': No, you freeze.
:'''Joker''': Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!
:'''Pilot Bill''': … Okay, are you making some of these up?
:'''Joker''': Nope, [[w:List of Batman Family adversaries|they’re all real]]! Probably worth a Google

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': ''[after realizing that Mayor McCaskill is actually Batman]'' Batman?! What are you doing? You are completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?!
:'''Batman''': You want to get nuts? Then come on. Let's get nuts! Because I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all of your butts.
:'''Joker''': ''[to all the bad guys]'' Stop him before he starts singing!    

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...
:'''Batman''': Superman.
:'''Joker''': Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, ''nothing'' special about our relationship?!
:'''Batman''': Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do {{w|shipping (fandom)|ships}}.
:'''Joker''': What?
:'''Batman''': As in ''relationships''. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. ''(Joker's face is slowly saddening)'' I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean ''nothing'' to me. ''(Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause)'' No one does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''''Puter''': What is the password?
:'''Batman''': [[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man sucks]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
:'''Batman''': At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
:'''Alfred''': I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|2016]] and [[The Dark Knight Rises|2012]] and [[The Dark Knight (film)|2008]] and [[Batman Begins|2005]] and [[Batman &amp; Robin (film)|1997]] and [[Batman Forever|1995]] and [[Batman Returns|1992]] and [[Batman (1989 film)|1989]] and that weird one in [[Batman (TV series)|1966]]. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
:'''Batman''': I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
:'''Alfred''': Sir, it's morning. ''[clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]''
:'''Batman''': Hiss! Sun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alfred''': Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally.
:'''Batman''': Yeah, I love it.
:'''Alfred''': You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
:'''Batman''': Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.
:'''Alfred''': But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?
:'''Batman''': Snakes?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Clowns?
:'''Alfred''': No.
:'''Batman''': Snake-clowns?
:'''Alfred''': Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
:''[Batman looks at the family pictures]''
:'''Batman''': Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
:'''Alfred''': Sir-
:'''Batman''': Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.
:'''Alfred''': I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
:'''Batman''': It is possible. I'm already at twenty.
:'''Alfred''': You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
:'''Batman''': What? No! I don't wanna do that!
:'''Alfred''': You're going to have a good time.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': You might meet some new people.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no!
:'''Alfred''': Even make some new friends.
:'''Batman''': No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! ''[to the tune of the Adam West theme song]'' No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! ''[beatboxes]'' No!!
:'''Alfred''': And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.
:'''Batman''': ''[gasps]'' Tuxedo dress-up party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': My name's Richard Grayson, but the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Well, children can be cruel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': It is my dream for the Police Force to someday team up with Batman!
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I hate everything you just said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barbara''': Batman has been on the job for a [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|very]], very, very, very, very, very, [[Batman (1989 film)|very]], [[Batman (1966 film)|very]], [[w:Batman (serial)|long time]].
:'''Bruce Wayne''': He has aged phenomenally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
:'''Batman''': No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batman''': Sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.
:'''Robin''': Did Gandhi really say that?
:'''Batman''': I'm paraphrasing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Batgirl''': Batman! Why'd you build these thing with only one seat?
:'''Batman''': Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joker''': I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!
:'''Batman''': Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
''(At Joker Manor...)''
:'''Joker''': Hi, Bats!
:'''Batman''': What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
:'''Joker''': What happened to all your friends?
:'''Batman''': I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
:'''Joker''': Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
:'''Batman''': Is this about that stupid &quot;greatest enemy&quot; thing?
:'''Joker''': No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
:'''Villain #1''': You tell 'im, Joker!
:'''Shark''': It's time for a fresh start!
:'''[[The Daleks|Daleks]]''': He's not worth it!
:'''Joker''': I think [[Wikipedia:Batman (comic book)|after 78 years]], I deserve respect!
:'''Harley''': That is right; respect!
:'''Joker''': Do you realize that you have never once said the words, &quot;I hate you, Joker&quot;?
:'''Harley''': Not once!
:'''Batman''': Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
:'''Joker''': Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
:'''Villains''': Aww!
:'''Villain #2''': That's nice.
:'''Joker''': Now you say it.
:'''Batman''': Me, too.
:''(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)''
:'''Joker''': You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
:'''Villain #3''': Batman will never say it!
:'''Harley''': You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
:'''Joker''': These disease lunatics are right.
:'''[[Harry Potter (series)|Voldemort]]''': Yes, we are.
:'''Joker''': I'm ''not'' gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
:'''Harley''': Yes!
:'''Batman''': What are you talking about?
:'''Joker''': You and I are done.
:'''Batman''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Joker''': I'm moving on!
:'''Batman''': That's ridiculous.
:'''Joker''': And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
:'''Batman''': No, you're not serious.
:'''Voldemort''': Wingardium Leviosa! ''(He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)''
:'''Joker''': You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... ''(He pulls out the [[Wikipedia:Phantom Zone|Phantom Zone]] projector.)'' ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute, hold on a second!
:''(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)''
:'''Harley''': Good for you, Booboo!
:''(The others cheer.)''
:'''Joker''': Everybody get a bomb! Let's go! Bomb, bomb, bomb! Let's bomb it out! ''(gives Harley the Phantom Zone projector)''
:''(The others cheer.)''

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:''(In the Phantom Zone after seeing Batman's videos)''
:'''Phyllis''': Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.
:'''Batman''': What? ''(sees the video of Batman sending his friends away)'' Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.
:'''Phyllis''': By pushing them away?
:'''Batman''': Well, yeah.
:'''Phyllis''': Are they really the ones you are protecting?
:'''Batgirl''': Computer, Batman's in danger!
:'''Robin''': Please, computer! Take us back!
:'''Batgirl''': Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?
:'''Computer''': Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. ''(begins to turn around)''
:'''Batman''': What are they doing?
:'''Joker''': ''(back at Joker Manor)'' Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. ''(sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them)'' Well, hello!
:'''Batgirl''': ''(flies to the cliffside)'' Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. ''(King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart)'' Hold on!
:'''Batman''': No!
:'''Joker''': Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!
:'''Batgirl''': ''[crash lands the ship and they run)'' Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!
:'''Batman''': Wait, where's Dick?
:'''Phyllis''': The little guy? He's over there. ''(points to Dick in the Batcave)''
:'''Computer''': Initializing Batman operating system.
:'''Batman''': What's he doing?
:'''Robin''': I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Robin''': I know. Not listen to anyone else. ''(pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles)'' Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. ''(puts on a mask and talks really low)'' And go in alone!
:'''Batman''': Kid, don't do that!
:'''Computer''': ''(as Robin randomly pushes buttons on Batman's vehicle)'' Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
:'''Batman''': Don't do what I would do! ''(Robin drives away)'' I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. ''(stammers)'' I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.
:'''Phyllis''': I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.
:'''Batman''': Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.
:'''Phyllis''': Hm. She sure would.
:'''Batman''': Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.
:'''Phyllis''': But haven't you tried that before?
:'''Batgirl''': This way, Alfred! ''(dodges King Kong's attack)''
:'''Phyllis''': You do the same thing over and over. ''(Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps)'' What's gonna change?
:'''Alfred''': ''(Alfred and Batgirl are surrounded)'' No!
:'''Batman''': I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. ''(Robin drives out of the Joker Manor)'' You gotta let me go down there and save them. ''(Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably)'' I'll do whatever you want. ''(Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong)'' Please.
:'''Robot''': ''(about to kill Alfred)'' Exterminate!
:'''Batman''': Please!
:'''Phyllis''': Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.
:'''Batman''': I promise!
:'''Phyllis''': ''(Robin drives towards King Kong)'' And I mean ''all'' of them.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Robin''': Padre, where are you going?
:'''Batman''': I made a promise. I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone. Sorry, kid.
:'''Robin''': Padre, please.
:'''Batman''': Don't call me Padre.
:'''Robin''': Okay.
:'''Batman''': Call me... Dads.
:'''Robin''': My two dads are the same dad. But they're both leaving.
:'''Batman''': It's gonna be okay, kid. Sometimes, losing people is part of life. But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in. Some very wise people taught me that. My father figure. My platonic coworker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend. And you. Mi hijo. It's Spanish for &quot;son.&quot; This is my family, but it's your family, too.

:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''
:'''Batman''': Do you have a knife?
:'''Batgirl''': Why?
:'''Batman''': 'Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately. Okay. I deserved that.
:'''Phyllis''': Hi.
:'''Batman''': Wait a minute. What's going on? I came back, just like I said I would.
:'''Phyllis''': You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.
:'''Batman''': Who?
:'''Phyllis''': Superman.
:'''Batman''': What?
:'''Phyllis''': I'm kidding. It's you.

== Taglines ==
* Always be yourself...unless you can be Batman.
* It's on.
* He's taking them under his wing...of awesomeness.

== Cast == 
* [[Will Arnett]] as [[w:Batman|Batman]] /  [[w:Bruce Wayne|Bruce Wayne]]
* [[Zach Galifianakis]] as [[w:Joker (comics)|the Joker]]
* [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as [[w:Dick Grayson|Dick Grayson]] / [[w:Robin (comics)|Robin]]
* [[w:Rosario Dawson|Rosario Dawson]] as [[w:Barbara Gordon|Barbara Gordon]] / [[w:Batgirl|Batgirl]]
* [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] as [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] as [[w:Harley Quinn|Dr. Harleen Quinzel]] / [[w:Harley Quinn|Harley Quinn]]
* [[Mariah Carey]] as [[w:List of mayors of Gotham City|Mayor McCaskill]]
* [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as [[w:Two-Face|Two-Face]]
* [[w:Siri|Siri]] as [[w:Batcomputer|the Batcomputer]] (referred to as &quot;Puter&quot; in the film)
* [[w:Héctor Elizondo|Héctor Elizondo]] as [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner James Gordon]]
* Lauren White as [[w:List of Batman television series characters#Chief Miles O.27Hara|Chief O'Hara]], [[w:Medusa|Medusa]]
* [[Eddie Izzard]] as [[w:Lord Voldemort|Lord Voldemort]]
* [[w:Seth Green|Seth Green]] as [[w:King Kong|King Kong]]
* [[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] as [[w:Sauron|Sauron]]
* [[w:Riki Lindhome|Riki Lindhome]] as [[w:Poison Ivy (comics)|Poison Ivy]], [[w:Wicked Witch of the West|Wicked Witch of the West]]
* [[Conan O'Brien]] as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]
* [[w:Jason Mantzoukas|Jason Mantzoukas]] as [[w:Scarecrow (DC Comics)|Scarecrow]]
* [[w:Zoë Kravitz|Zoë Kravitz]] as [[w:Catwoman|Catwoman]]
* [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] as [[w:Clayface|Clayface]]
* [[w:Doug Benson|Doug Benson]] as [[w:Bane (comics)|Bane]]
* [[w:David Burrows|David Burrows]] as Anchorman Phil, [[w:Mr. Freeze|Mr. Freeze]]
* [[w:Matt Villa|Matt Villa]] as [[w:Killer Croc|Killer Croc]]
* [[w:Laura Kightlinger|Laura Kightlinger]] as Reporter Pippa, [[w:Orca (comics)|Orca]]
* [[w:Todd Hansen|Todd Hansen]] as Captain Dale
* [[w:Chris McKay|Chris McKay]] as Pilot Bill
* [[w:Richard Cheese|Richard Cheese]] as Himself (archive recording)
* [[w:Channing Tatum|Channing Tatum]] as [[w:Superman|Superman]]
* [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] as Phyllis
* [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]] as [[w:Hal Jordan|Hal Jordan]] / [[w:Green Lantern|Green Lantern]]
* [[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as [[w:The Flash|The Flash]]
* [[w:Brent Musburger|Brent Musburger]] as Reporter #1
* [[w:Ralph Garman|Ralph Garman]] as Reporter #2
* [[w:Chris Hardwick|Chris Hardwick]] as Reporter #3

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{Commonscat-inline}}
* {{imdb title| id=4116284| title=The Lego Batman Movie }}

{{Batman}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:LEGO Movie, The}}
[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:Animated Batman films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Film spin-offs]]
[[Category:Animated Superman films]]
[[Category:Films based on toys]]
[[Category:Animated Joker films]]
[[Category:The Lego Movie|Batman]]
[[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]]
[[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]]</text>
      <sha1>3vwbnxa2xszy9yeksp3wjbgo6u0zqf3</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Bear in the Big Blue House</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>195085</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607256</id>
      <parentid>3599628</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T21:52:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:C2:F01:FA10:C946:AFCC:32C6:8EB3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Need a Little Help Today [1.23] in December 26, 1997 */</comment>
      <origin>3607256</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78066" sha1="eu9w957seiw90iz1j3zflg2kaciijfv" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Bear in the Big Blue House|Bear in the Big Blue House]]''''' is an American children's TV show created by Mitchell Kriegman and produced by Jim Henson Television for Disney Channel and Disney+. It debuts on October 20, 1997. It aired its last episode on April 28, 2006.

==Cast==
* Bear - Noel MacNeal 
* Tutter - Peter Linz 
* Ojo - Vicki Eibner 
* Pip and Pop - Peter Linz and Tyler Bunch
* Treelo - Tyler Bunch
* Shadow - Taya Mooney
* Luna the Moon - Lynne Thigpen 
* Ray the Sun - Geoffrey Holder

==Theme song==
:Welcome to the Blue House, hello from the small mouse. Things to do, fun for you.
:Howdy from the Big Bear. Want some fun? Here's where.
:Just for you. All is new.
:In our house of blue.
:Lot's of room in our house.
:Catch the moon at our house.
:Kitchen's here. Bathroom's here.
:the Attic full of stuff here.
:Pillows full of fluff here. (Whoop-de-doo) Just for you
:In our house of blue
:'''Together''': Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Big Blue House (2x) Door is open. Come on in. Now you're here, so let's....begin.

==Closing song==
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Hey, this was really fun ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ We hope you liked it too ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Seems like we've just begun ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ When suddenly we're through ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ 'Cause now it's time to go ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ But, hey, I say, well, that's okay ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ 'Cause we'll see you very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ And tomorrow, just like today ♪''
:'''Luna''': (Goodbye - today)
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ The moon, the bear and the Big Blue House ♪''
:''♪ Will be waiting for you to come and play ♪''
:''♪ To come and play, to come and play ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''[waves goodbye to Luna]'' Bye now!
:''[Luna goes back up into the night sky]''

==Season 1 (1997-1998)==
===Home is Where the Bear Is [1.1]===
:'''Bear''': Hmm. Home. Home is such a nice word, isn't it? Have you ever really stopped to think about what it means?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': You've given me a great idea. How would you like a tour of my house? The Big Blue House.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Now look at this. This is the kitchen table. It's the best part of the kitchen.
:'''Tutter''': ''[talking over as Bear continues]'' Oh, no, no, no.
:'''Bear''': With this table, you sit an' you can have a whole mess of cooked and buttered string beans.
:'''Tutter''': All wrong, Bear. All wrong.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': You know, Tutter, I think the best part of the kitchen is that you like it so much.
:'''Tutter''': Ha ha. Thank you, Bear.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pip''': Fun is our middle name.
:'''Pop''': No, fun is your middle name. Mine is Angelica, remember?
:'''Pip''': Oh, right. Sorry.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Luna''': Well, Bear, it seems to me that maybe the whole Big Blue House is your most extra-special, favorite place. It's your home, after all.
:'''Bear''': Wow, Luna. When you're right, you're right.
:'''Luna''': What can I say? I'm the moon.

===Water, Water Everywhere [1.2]===
:'''Ojo''': Uh-oh. Bear. Bear!
:'''Bear''': Yes, Ojo?
:'''Ojo''': You're in the water.
:'''Bear''': Oh! Uh, sorry. I'm in the water.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Anyway, before you got here, Ojo and I were playing with some water. See? Water. Mm-hmm. I'm so curious. Why is it so wet? And why does everybody drink it? And how come you can see right through it?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': Oh, great Gouda. Oh, Brie. I'll never get the water I need.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Sometimes, Tutter is so determined, he forgets to ask for a little help. Um, are you sure there isn't something I could do maybe to lift your spirits?
:'''Tutter''': No, no.
:'''Bear''': Or ''raise'' your outlook?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pip and Pop''': Bye bye, Bear. Bye bye, Tutter. ''[disappear through the sink]''
:'''Bear''': ''[does a take]'' Huh?
:'''Tutter''': ''[to Pip and Pop]'' See ya.
:'''Bear''': How do those two do that?

===Mouse Party [1.3]===
:'''pip and pop''': hi bear
:'''pop''': we're blowing up balloons
:'''pip''': yeah and we're making them big
:'''pop''': really
:'''pip''': really
:'''pip and pop''': REALLY BIG! [Pip and pop tries to blow the balloons bigger but the balloons pop]
:'''pip''': aah [bear shushes them]
:'''bear''': pip, pop!
:'''both''': sorry bear
:'''bear''': guys [he checks upstairs with his head to one side] [back to pip and pop]
:'''bear''': we don't want tutter to hear
:'''pop''': must have been some bad balloons
:'''pip''': yeah
:'''pop''': new balloons!
:'''pip''': yep
:'''bear''': ha ha ha, have you ever been to a birthday party? It's really exciting
:'''bear''': when the birthday boy, or girl, or mouse, comes into the room and then everybody jumps out and yell, [loudly] HAPPY BIRTHDAY! [party poppers pop, confetti comes down and party blowers blow repeatedly]
:'''pip and pop''': bear?
:'''bear''': sorry. [To the viewer] the thing is, we're having a surprise birthday party, that means we have to be quiet, and whisper, and tiptoe around, so tutter won't hear
:'''bear''': will you help us make the birthday party, a surprise? [Pip and pop pops the balloons again that scared bear]
:'''bear''': ah! [Goes over to the desk] Pip pop!
:'''both''': surprise? [Both laugh]
:'''bear''': pip pop [the otters pause]
:'''Tutter''': bear, oh bear!
:'''bear''': ah, tutter tutter, tutters coming! Quick, hide the balloons! [pip and pop hides the decorations] [to the viewer]
:'''bear''': remember, don't tell tutter, it's a secret, we're trying to have a surprise birthday party
:'''tutter''': hello hello bear [bear looks around]
:'''bear''': oh uh tutter, tutter uh um
:'''tutter''': hello pip hello pop
:'''both''': hello tutter
:'''tutter''': I was just wondering, I mean I was wondering, just uh, what was that sound? Did any of you hear a balloon pop?
:'''pip and pop''': uh uh uh
:'''Pop''': did you see a balloon?
:'''pip''': not me did you pop?
:'''pop''': not me did you pip?
:'''pip''': not me [to bear] did you bear?
:'''bear''': not me did you pop?
:'''pop''': not me
:'''tutter''': okay okay i was just asking, um um bear?
:'''bear''': [to tutter] yes?
:'''tutter''': there's something I'd like to show you
:'''bear''': oh sure tu---- [pauses] tter but I uh I i have to uh I can't to have to finish finish finish um
:'''Pip''': talking,
:'''pip and pop''': to us
:'''pop''': yes endlessly talking to us
:'''bear''': yes
:'''tutter''': oh okay um okay, uh well i'll be waiting in the kitchen bear, that's where I'll be when you get a moment
:'''bear''': heh heh okay, [bear nods] I'll be right there 
:'''tutter''': yeah yeah, I'll be waiting bear, see you later, I'll be waiting
:'''pip and pop''': bye bye tutter
:'''tutter''': bye pip bye pop
:'''bear''': whew, [to the viewer] that was a close one
:'''bear''': thanks for helping us keep the secret, we don't wanna spoil the surprise for tutter

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Well, thanks for visiting the Big Blue House. Bye! Oh, I almost forgot. By the way, if today is your birthday... [including the others with a very big loud word] '''SURPRISE!'''
:'''Tutter''': And Happy Birthday! [laughing]
:'''Bear''': See you soon!
:'''Tutter''': Bye!

===Shape of a Bear [1.4]===
:'''bear''': everything has its own special shape, [guitar shrums] even you, and me [sings]
Verse 1: 
:🎵what I see with my eyes🎵
:🎵it's a world of different sizes🎵
:🎵each thing have its own special shape🎵
:🎵could be round like a melon🎵
:🎵could be square there's no telling🎵
:🎵it could even be oval like a grape🎵
:🎵me I'm the shape of a bear🎵
:🎵from the tips of my paws🎵
:🎵to the fuzz of my hair🎵
:🎵not a circle🎵
:🎵a squiggle🎵
:🎵or a square🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
Verse 2
:🎵a ship can be shipshape🎵
:🎵a water drop is a dripshape🎵
:🎵there's shapes for everything I see🎵
:🎵ice creams a cone shape🎵
:🎵and you have your own shape🎵
:🎵and that's just a great shape to be🎵
:Chorus: 
:🎵me I'm a shape of a bear🎵
:🎵from the tips of my paws🎵
:🎵to the fuzz of my hair🎵
:🎵not a circle🎵
:🎵a squiggle🎵
:🎵or a square🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
:🎵me I'm just a shape of a bear🎵
[The song ends as bear accidentally sat on tutters tail]
:'''tutter''': yooow
:'''bear''': [jumps] ah

===Picture of Health [1.5]===
:'''bear''': WOODLAND WORKOUT, [stretches] STRETCHING, [jumps] JUMPING [runs] RUNNING, feelin good.

===Dancin' the Day Away [1.10]===
:'''Bear''': I think I can finally cha cha cha [Cha cha music plays as Bear dances into the living room]
:'''Bear''': 1, 2, 3, cha cha cha, 2, 3, cha cha cha. [Bear sits on his swing] you know? I've been dancing so much today that right now I don't really feel like cha cha chaing, maybe I'll sit here and swing for A while, you know? To and fro, fro and to [Bear swings on his swing] [bear is disturbed by...]
:'''Treelo, Ojo, Pip and Pop, and Tutter''': hey Bear
:'''Bear''': Oh hi everybody!
:'''Bear''': I'm just sitting here swinging, you know? To and fro, fro and to
:'''Ojo''': But Bear, we're you going to cha cha cha today?
:'''Pip and Pop''': Yeah Bear
:'''Treelo''': Let's do cha cha cha (laughs)
:'''Bear''': well, yeah I was but... You know? I've been dancing so much today, that I don't really feel like it now
:'''everyone except bear''': Huh? No cha cha cha
:'''Pip''': Bear are you feeling okay?
:'''Pop''': Bears gotta be sick
:'''Pop''': I think he's sick, probably very ill
:'''Bear''': Guys guys guys, I'm not sick I just don't feel like dancing right now
:'''Ojo''': Hey Bear, don't you feel that itching?
:'''Bear''': Itching?
:'''Tutter''': Yup
:'''Treelo''': And the twitching? (Laugh)
:'''Tutter''': Oh oh oh yeah, and bear, don't you feel that scritching? The scritching bear the scritching
:'''Bear''': Not to mention it, I do feel a scritching
:'''Ojo''': Oh and don't forget the scratching, aww, the scratching
:'''Bear''': Scratching? Now why do you have to say it? [Treelo goes over to the radio]
:'''Tutter''': scratching ha ha ha [Treelo turns on the radio]
:'''Radio host''': And now for A high school selection, a song that's sweeping the country
:'''Bear''': I'm starting to feel something
:'''Everyone except Bear''': YAY!
:'''Radio host''': A song that you know your gonna love, the bear cha cha cha

THE BEAR CHA CHA CHA BY NOE MCNEAL
:'''Bear''': mmm, uh oh! I'm getting that feeling again, yeah it's...
A itching and twitching a scritching and scritching
IT'S TIME FOR THE BEAR CHA CHA CHA!

Verse:

🎵When I feel my toes start to twitch🎵
🎵My legs go la la la la la la🎵
🎵And my arms and legs get the itch🎵
🎵It's time to do the bear cha cha cha🎵

Chorus:

🎵Cha cha cha, ha cha cha🎵
🎵Gonna cha cha cha🎵
🎵Ooh la la🎵
🎵time to cha cha cha🎵
🎵the bear cha cha cha🎵
🎵well don't just sit there, get up and do it with me, COME ON🎵

Repeated chorus

🎵Cha cha cha🎵
🎵EVRYONE gonna cha cha cha🎵
🎵Ooh la la🎵
🎵Time to cha cha cha🎵
🎵The bear cha cha cha🎵
🎵Cha cha cha🎵

Bridge

🎵Now you notice some people stop and say🎵
🎵who? What? Why? How? Where🎵
🎵And explains that them your an honorary bear🎵
🎵yeah! EVERYONE NOW!🎵

Back to chorus

🎵Cha cha cha, Ha cha cha🎵
🎵Gonna cha cha cha🎵
🎵Ooh la la🎵
🎵Time to cha cha cha🎵
🎵Cha chee cha chee cha🎵
🎵The bear cha cha cha🎵

Ending

🎵The bear cha cha cha🎵
🎵Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha🎵
🎵Cha cha cha cha cha cha🎵

🎵Cha cha cha🎵
(BOM)

:'''Bear''': (laughs) I sure do love to cha cha cha

===A Wagon of a Different Color [1.11]===

===The Big Little Visitor [1.16]===

===A Winter's Nap [1.17]===

===Magic in the Kitchen [1.19]===

===Spring Fever [1.20]===

===A Plant Grows in Bear's House [1.21]===

===Eat, Drink Juice and Be Merry [1.22]===

===Need a Little Help Today [1.23] in December 26, 1997===
:'''Bear''': ( ''sneezes'' )
ː'''Bear'''ː My nose is clogged. But i bet it's you and it you smell really good today.
It's just that I'm having a trouble with my (sneezes).
:'''Bear''': Come on, let's go to the attic and find her.
ː'''Tutter'''ː You can help too. Would you go and sit with bear? He'd like that I think He'd like that Thank you everybody.
[laughing] All right guys,Here we goǃ I have a plan. Now treelo,you.
( ''soft music plays at once in the sunset down and nighthill'' )

:'''Luna''': I'm sorry. 
:'''Bear''': Well, I had some quiet time and lot of help from my friends.

===Listen Up [1.24]===

===Lost Thing [1.25]===
 ː'''Bear''' Not in the living room Maybe in the kitchen come on.
 '''Ojoː'''tutter let me in i'm just little bear.
''''Tutterː'''Not little enough ojo

===Friends for Life [1.26]===

==Season 2 (1998-1999)==
===Ooh Baby, Baby [2.1]===

===Raiders of the Lost Cheese [2.2]===

===The Big Sleep [2.3]===

===Back to Nature [2.7]===

===It's All in Your Head [2.10]===

===Bear's Birthday Bash [2.12]===
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;


&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Pip and Pop were eating the batter in a bowl to test it's good]''
:'''Tutter''': Guys? Um, guys? Oh, come on, guys! I can't see what I'm stirring!
:'''Pip and Pop''': Sorry, Tutter.
:'''Pop''': But we just wanted to taste one more time…
:'''Pip''': …to make sure it's good.
:'''Pop''': Yeah, just to be sure.
:'''Tutter''': Oh… ''[sees the batter is gone]'' Hey. Hey! Where'd all the batter go?!
:'''Pip and Pop''': Don't look at ''us''. ''[look away from Tutter, as he looks at the camera]''
:''[Ojo and Treelo were making the present with popsicle sticks and glue]''
:'''Ojo''': Oh, there, Treelo. That looks great. Bear's sure gonna love this present. ''[laughs]''
:'''Treelo''': And hug, too, right?
:'''Ojo''': Oh, yeah, Treelo. We'll give Bear a big hug, too. A bear hug. ''[laughs]'' Tutter, how's the cake coming?
:'''Tutter''': Huh? Oh, well, it ''was'' petty good, Ojo. Ha. Pretty good. But Pip and Pop KEEP PUTTING THEIR HEADS IN THE BOWL!
:'''Pip and Pop''': Us?
:'''Tutter''': And now I've got to start all over.
:'''Pop''': We were just testing it.
:'''Pip''': Yeah. Besides, we have nothing to do.
:'''Pop''': Yeah. How are we supposed to decorate the living room with Bear resting in there?
:'''Pip and Pop''': It would ruin the surprise.
:'''Tutter''': Oh. Uh, they've got a point, Ojo. How will they gonna decorate the living room with all the party decorations if that big old bear is sleeping in there?
:'''Ojo''': Oh.
:'''Treelo''': ''[gasps]'' Oh! Cha-cha-cha! Cha-cha-cha!
:'''Ojo''': Oh, Treelo, we haven't got time for dancing right now. ''[Tutter nods]'' We've got to get ready for Bear's big birthday party.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Treelo''': ''[grunts]'' No. Bear cha-cha-cha. Bear cha-cha-cha.
:'''Tutter''': Treelo, look, we don't care if it's the porcupine cha-cha-cha! We still haven't got time to go dancing around and…
:'''Ojo''': Oh, oh, oh! Hey! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! The cha-cha-cha! Treelo's got a great idea about how to get Bear out of the living room. Now, everybody listen up. This is what we're gonna do, OK? OK? All right, Treelo…

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After the cha-cha-cha]''
:'''Bear''': ''[laughs]'' Wow. That was great cha-chaing, every… ''[sees that Ojo, Treelo, Tutter, Pip and Pop are gone]'' everybody? Um… ''[to the viewer]'' Hey. Where did everybody go? Hmm… Oh, well. There's nothing like cha-cha-chaing on your birthday. But, you know, oldest cha-cha-chaing has made this bear hungry. You know what I could go for? A whole mess of cooked and buttered string beans. ''[taps lips]'' Mmm. Let's go down to the kitchen and make some.
:''[In the kitchen, Ojo looks at Treelo and Tutter]''
:'''Ojo''': ''[to Tutter and Treelo]'' How's it going, you guys?
:''[The camera moves to Treelo and Tutter]''
:'''Treelo''': ''[with two popsicle sticks glued to his fingers]'' A little bit stuck to me again. Oh, oh. Uh… ''[to Ojo]'' Treelo almost done.
:'''Tutter''': ''[grunting]'' I'm stirring, Ojo! I'm stirring as fast as I can! ''[Treelo tries to get the popsicle sticks off his fingers]'' Oh, still too lumpy!
:''[The camera moves back to Ojo]''
:'''Tutter''': Stir, stir. ''[grunts]''
:'''Ojo''': Uh… great.
:'''Tutter''': Stir, stir. ''[grunts]''
:'''Ojo''': Pip! Pop! Where are you?
:''[The camera moves to the couch, then moves to Pip and Pop by the wall covered in streamers]''
:'''Pip''': I don't know. Maybe…
:'''Pop''': Hey, Ojo.
:'''Pip''': Oh, there's Ojo.
:'''Ojo''': Oh, there you are. How's it going?
:'''Pop''': Oh, well…
:'''Pip''': Oh. Oh, well, we had a little bit of difficulty with the, uh… uh, the crepe paper.
:'''Pip and Pop''': It's going, um… real good.
:''[The camera moves back to Ojo]''
:'''Ojo''': Uh… oh. OK. Well, could you just hurry up a little, OK?
:'''Pip''': OK, no problem, Ojo. OK.
:'''Ojo''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Pip and Pop. ''[to the viewer]'' Oh, what do you think we should do next for Bear's big birthday party?
:'''Bear''': Hey, Ojo.
:'''Ojo''': ''[gasps]'' Bear! ''[looks around]''
:'''Bear''': Ojo, are you OK?
:'''Ojo''': Uh, uh, uh, uh… Hello, Bear. ''[Tutter, Treelo, Pip and Pop appear]''
:'''Tutter''': Huh? Bear?!
:'''Bear''': Oh, uh, hi, guys.
:'''Ojo''': Uh… Bear! What are you doing, uh, doing here? Uh, I mean, right now. I mean, now.
:'''Bear''': Well, I'm going to the kitchen to make a whole mess of cooked and buttered string beans. Want some?
:'''Ojo''': Huh? No, Bear, no! You can't make any cooked and buttered string beans right now. ''[the kids shake their heads]''
:'''Bear''': No?
:'''Tutter''': No, no, no, Bear. Not even a whole mess of them. ''[looks at the camera]'' Whatever that is.
:'''Bear''': Well, why not?
:'''Tutter''': Why not? Why not, indeed? Well because we have to, uh… Uh, we have to…
:'''Ojo''': We have to, uh… take a bath. ''[nods]'' Yeah.
:'''All''': ''[agreed]''
:'''Bear''': OK, OK. If you guys really want to take a bath…
:'''Pop''': We do.
:'''Bear''': Then everybody into the tub.
:'''All''': ''[cheering]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After having a bath]''
:'''Ojo''': ''[to the viewer]'' Bear's going to be done drying his fur any minute. Are you guys finished yet?
:'''Treelo''': Look. I am. Treelo finish.
:'''Ojo''' Oh. Nice wrapping. Great. Um, Tutter, Pip, Pop. How are the decorations and the cake coming?
:'''Tutter''': Uh… W-well, the cake is at a very delicate point, Ojo. A-a very delicate point.
:'''Pip and Pop''': We need lots more decorations.
:'''Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, everybody!
:'''All''': ''[gasp in shock]''
:'''Bear''': Who wants a mess of cooked and buttered string beans?
:''[All of the kids run around, but Ojo kept blocking the others for a place to hide. They ran away except Ojo.]''
:'''Bear''': Hello? Everybody? I'll be right down.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After having a story from Shadow]
:'''Bear''': Hmm. Everybody's acting a little odd today. Hmm. ''[to the viewer]'' Do you happen to know what they're up to? Hm? Oh, well. Let's go down to the kitchen and try and find 'em. Come on.
:''[Bear walks downstairs. The lights in the living room were off.]''
:'''Bear''': Hello? Hello? Gee, I wonder where everybody went.
:'''Pip''': Quiet.
:'''Ojo''': Be quiet, you guys.
:'''Pop''': Quiet.
:'''Pip''': I ''was'' being quiet.
:'''Tutter''': Will you guys just be quiet?
:'''Ojo''': ''[to the viewer]'' Shh, shh. Don't tell Bear. Remember, when Bear turns on the light, yell, &quot;Surprise!&quot; OK?
:'''Tutter''': Oh, here he comes!
:'''Ojo''': OK, everybody hide. Hide, hide. Hide, hide.
:'''Bear''': Hey. It's dark in here. Well, I'll just turn on the lights. ''[turns on the lights]''
:'''All''': Surprise!
:'''Bear''': Agh!
:'''All''': Happy birthday, Bear! Yay! ''[laughter]''
:'''Bear''': Oh, wow! This… This is great! I mean, I didn't want a fuss made, but… Wow! I… I can't believe it!
:'''Tutter''': Well, it's just begun! Hit it!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Well, thanks for visiting the Big Blue House. Bye! By the way, thanks for my party and thanks for the great surprise. See you soon!

===Picture This [2.13]===

===Look What I Made [2.16]===
:'''Bear''': Now, let's see…
:'''Tutter''': Okay, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Hm?
:'''Tutter''': I'm ready! Let's go!
:'''Bear''': Oh!
:'''Tutter''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
:'''Bear''': Hi, Tutter. How's the mouseapult working?
:'''Tutter''': This is it, Bear. This is it. ''[gasps]'' History in the making. And you are there! ''[laughing]''
:'''Bear''': Wow.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
:'''Bear''': You know, Tutter. This is very exciting.
:'''Tutter''': Yes. Mm.
:'''Bear''': Let's watch.
:'''Tutter''': Oh! Um, uh… Actually, Bear, uh, could you spare a moment or two to, uh, help a mouse?
:'''Bear''': Well, sure, Tutter. What can I do?
:'''Tutter''': Oh! Okay. Great. Now, you just carefully drop the wedge of brie on the other end of the mouseapult when I say go, and stand back. Stand back and watch this mouse fly, Bear. Watch me fly! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': But, Tutter…
:'''Tutter''': Huh?
:'''Bear''': …be careful.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, of course, Bear. I'll be careful.
:'''Bear''': Okay.
:'''Tutter''': Okay.
:'''Bear''': Ready?
:'''Tutter''': Ready.
:'''Bear''': Set?
:'''Tutter''': Set. Let'er rip, Bear. Let'er rip.
:''[Bear drops the wedge of brie, which triggers the mouseapult, sending Tutter flying. He shouts excitedly and lands in the rice can]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter!
:'''Tutter''': ''[spitting rice out of his mouth]'' Great cheeser's ghost. Oh. What happened? Where am I? I've gone so far, I… ''[gasps]'' I'm on another planet! It seems to be made of strange grainy substance. Hmm. Very interesting. I've never seen…
:'''Bear''': Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': ''[yells]'' What, where?!
:'''Bear''': Tutter, Tutter, Tutter, it's okay. It's okay. It's me. Bear.
:'''Tutter''': B-Bear? Wh… How did you get up here in outer space? Wow! That mouseapult works a lot better than I thought, huh?
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Wow! Whoa…
:'''Bear''': Tutter, Tutter. Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': What? Yes, Bear?
:'''Bear''': You landed in the rice can.
:'''Tutter''': Huh? The rice can? ''[looks at it]'' Oh! ''[laughing]'' The rice can. I'm in the rice can, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Yeah.
:'''Tutter''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter? Are you okay?
:'''Tutter''': ''[panting]'' Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm perfectly okay, Bear. Just a little, um, grainy. Just a little grainy, Bear. Well, I guess it's back to the old drawing board again. Well, see you later, Bear. Goodbye.
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter. Good luck.

===All Weather Bear [2.18]===

===Tutter's Tiny Trip [2.20]===

===Afraid Not [2.22]===
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;


&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': ''[offscreen]'' I'm afraid! I'm afraid!
:'''Bear, Ojo and Treelo''': Huh?
:'''Tutter''': ''[holding Kitty]'' Yeah. I'm really, really afraid! ''[whimpering and glups]''
:'''Bear''': Oh! Hi, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': &quot;Hi&quot;? Is that all you can say? &quot;Hi&quot;? The whole sky is falling down around us, and-and making lots of loud awful noises and all you could say is &quot;hi&quot;? Oh!
:'''Bear''': Tutter, I can understand. Storms can be scary, sometimes but, believe me, we're safe and sound inside. There's nothing to be afraid of.
:''[The lighting flashes, causing a blackout in the living room. Tutter gasps and Treelo and Ojo scream]''
:'''Bear''': Guys, guys. It's okay. It's okay. Look. I have my trusty Bearcraft flashlight.
:'''Ojo''': Huh? ''[Bear turns on the flashlight]'' Oh!
:'''Bear''': See?
:'''Ojo''': Hey, you guys, oh, look, Bear's got a flashlight.
:'''Treelo''': Hello, flashlight.
:'''Ojo''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': Yeah. See, Tutter? ''[moves the flashlight to the floor, but Tutter was not there]''
:'''Ojo''': Hey, where's Tutter?
:'''Treelo''': Hey.
:'''Ojo''': Tutter?
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Treelo''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': Tutter?
:'''Treelo''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': Where'd you go?
:'''Bear''' Tutter?
:'''Treelo''' Tutter, where'd you… ''[Tutter's tail appears from the coffee table]'' Hey, look! Tutter. ''[laughs]''
:'''Bear''': Oh, Tutter!
:'''Tutter''': Huh?
:'''Bear''': Tutter, it's okay. Sometimes in a storm, the lights do go out, but sometimes they come back on again really soon.
:'''Tutter''': R-R-Really?
:'''Bear''': Really. And as long as I have my flashlight, everything's okay.
:'''Tutter''': Well, okay, Bear, okay. But, you know, a little noise to a big old bear like you can be an awful lot of noise for a little, bitty mouse like…
:''[He saws something and gasps in shock. He sputters in fear]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': Bear?
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': What's wrong with Tutter?
:'''Treelo''': Yeah. ''[gasps]'' Look! Look!
:''[The camera moves backwards which appears to be Tutter's shadow on the wall that Tutter was afraid of it]
:'''Tutter''': Bear! ''[stammers]'' It's… it's… &lt;big&gt;'''''IT'S A GIANT MOUSE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[screaming]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter, Tutter, it's okay. It's just your shadow.
:'''Tutter''': What? What?
:'''Bear''': It's the shadow, that the flashlight is making on you.
:'''Tutter''': ''[stammers]'' Me? ''[stammering]'' Really?
:'''Bear''': Yes. If you move your tail, the tail on the shadow will move, too.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah? ''[wags his tail]'' Wha-? Hey! Hey, yeah! It is me! Hey. ''[the lights went back on again]''
:'''Treelo''': Hey! The lights!
:'''Ojo''': Yay! The lights are back! ''[Bear nods to the viewer]''
:'''Tutter''': Hey, where'd the giant Tutter go?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': ''[climbing up the stairs to find Treelo and Ojo in a game of hide-and-seek]'' Okay, now, Bear said there's nothing to be afraid of. Heh. Nothing to be afraid of in the Big Blue House. ''[grunts and laughs]'' Ojo, Treelo, where are you guys?
:''[In the bedroom, Pip and Pop used a purple flower sheet to pretend as a monster]
:'''Pip''': Hey, that's Tutter.
:'''Pop''': Oh. He'll love this. Come on.
:'''Pip''': Yeah! ''[giggles]''
:'''Tutter''': I-I wonder if they're in the bedroom. Uh, ''[Pip and Pop start moaning]'' where are you guys? You know, I'm not sure I feel like playing anymo…
:''[He sees Pip and Pop and gasps in shock. He slowly turns to the camera in horror]''
:'''Pip and Pop''': Beware! We are the two-headed purple flower monster! Beware!
:'''Tutter''': ''[to the viewer]'' There's a two-headed purple flower monster! ''[screams]''
:''[He runs back down the stairs]''
:'''Pip and Pop''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Pop''': Hey, do you think he liked it?
:'''Pip''': I don't know, let's go ask him.
:'''Pop''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': ''[enters the living room with his flashlight and candles and looks around]'' Hey, where'd everybody go? ''[Ojo and Treelo appear]''
:'''Ojo''': Hey, Bear, have you seen Tutter? We were playing hide-and-go-seek and while he was supposed to find us and, well, now we can't find him.
:'''Treelo''': Tutter.
:'''Ojo''': Tutter?
:'''Bear''': I'm sorry, Ojo, I don't know. In fact, I haven't even seen Tutt… ''[Tutter pops up from a flowerpot]'' '''…er!'''
:'''Tutter''': ''[screams]''
:'''Tutter and Bear''': ''[scream]''
:''[The lighting strikes and flashes, making Tutter, Bear, Treelo and Ojo scream. Tutter hides in the flowerpot and Treelo and Ojo hides behind the coffee table]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter, you scared me.
:'''Ojo''': Y-Yeah, Tutter.
:'''Treelo''': ''[nodding]'' Yeah.
:'''Bear''': Tutter, what are you doing hiding in there?
:'''Treelo''': Hm.
:'''Ojo''': Yeah, Tutter, we're the ones that are supposed to be hiding ''[Treelo nods]'' and you're supposed to be seeking.
:'''Treelo''': Yeah.
:'''Tutter''': But-But there's a two-headed purple flower monster up in Bear's bedroom and it almost got me!
:'''Ojo''': That's silly, Tutter.
:'''Ojo and Treelo''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Tutter''': But-but-but Ojo, Treelo, really, there, there… ''[Pip and Pop appear behind the couch with the purple flower sheet. Tutter gasps in shock and sputters]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': ''[stammers]'' THERE! ''[hides in the flowerpot]''
:'''Bear''': Huh?
:'''Pip and Pop''': ''[moaning]''
:''[Everyone, except Bear, scream in horror and hide]''
:'''Ojo''': B-B-B-But Bear-Bear, I thought that you said that there was ''[stammers]'' no such as thing ''[stammering]'' monsters?
:'''Treelo''': ''[gibberish]''
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' There are no such thing as monsters, but I think I know who this two-headed purple flower monster is. Do you know who it is?
:'''Pip and Pop''': Beware! The two-headed purple flower monster has come! ''[Bear pulls the sheet up, revealing Pip and Pop]'' Beware! The two-headed purple flower monster wants…
:'''Pip''': Uh…
:'''Pop''': Uh…
:'''Pip''': Uh…
:'''Pip and Pop''': …you.
:'''Treelo and Ojo''': Pip and Pop?
:'''Tutter''': You mean that-that two-headed purple flower monster was Pip and Pop all along?
:'''Pop''': Yeah, pretty good trick, huh?
:'''Pip''': Did you like it, Tutter? ''[Pop chuckles]''
:'''Tutter''': Like it? '''''Like''''' it? You scared me! You scared me! I didn't &quot;like&quot; it at all. Not one little bit! ''[angrily looks away from Pip and Pop]'' Hmph!
:'''Pop''': But, Tutter, we were just playing.
:'''Pip''': Yeah, we were just having some fun. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Tutter''': ''[looking at Pip and Pop and looks away from them again]'' Hmph!
:'''Pop''': Bear?
:'''Pip and Pop''': What's with Tutter?
:'''Bear''': Well, guys, sometimes what might be a funny joke or a trick to you, well, to somebody else, it can be really scary. ''[Tutter nods]''
:'''Pip and Pop''': Huh.
:'''Bear''': See? Tutter thought there really was a two-headed purple flower monster ''[Tutter nods again]'' and he was afraid. ''[Ojo nods]''
:'''Pop''': But, Bear, we were just playing.
:'''Pip''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': Well, let me ask you this.
:'''Pop''': What?
:'''Bear''': How would ''you'' feel if you there really ''was'' a two-headed ''[Tutter nods again]'' purple flower monster in the house?
:'''Pip and Pop''': ''[gasp]''
:'''Pip''': Oooh! That's scary!
:'''Pop''': Really scary!
:'''Pip''': Well, I don't even want to think about that.
:'''Pop''': Oh, yea…
:'''Pip''': Oh, that wou…
:''[They realize their mistake as a dinging sound effect can be heard]''
:'''Pip''': Huh.
:'''Pop''': Oooh.
:'''Both''': We're sorry, Tutter.
:'''Pip''': Really…
:'''Pop''': …really…
:'''Both''': …sorry.
:'''Tutter''': Well, well, o-okay. I-I guess. ''[chuckles]'' I really wasn't that afraid, you know.
:''[He, Pip and Pop laugh as Bear nods. The lighting flashes, causing another blackout in the living room]''
:'''Treelo''': Oh?
:'''Ojo''': Hey.
:'''Pop''': Hey!
:'''Ojo and Tutter''': The lights went out again!
:'''Treelo''': ''[gibberish]''
:'''Ojo''': Oh, no.
:'''Tutter''': Bear?
:'''Ojo''': It's going to get really scary again.
:'''Bear''': It's okay, it's okay, remember? I have my flashlight.

===Buggin' [2.24]===


&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Bear enters the kitchen, Tutter, wearing a framer's hat and a red handkerchief, was at the kitchen table in front of a tiny wheelbarrow containing tomatoes.]''
:'''Tutter''': ''[humming &quot;{{w|Old MacDonald Had a Farm|Old MacDonald Had a Farm}}&quot;]'' Oh, Bear… Oh, hi, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Oh, hey, Tutter. What are you up to?
:'''Tutter''': Well, I was just gonna have a snack, Bear. Would you like to join me?
:'''Bear''': Oh, I'd love to, Tutter. What is on the menu?
:'''Tutter''': Oh, heh, well, I have some fresh tomatoes from my little garden here.
:'''Bear''': Ooh. ''[He and Tutter smell the tomatoes]''
:'''Bear and Tutter''': Aaah.
:'''Bear''': They smell so good, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah, yeah, hmm. ''[taps lips]'' So, Bear, uh, what have you been up to today?
:'''Bear''': Oh, I just came back from the otter pond…
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Bear''': …Ojo found this really cool bug.
:'''Tutter''': ''[screams in shock]'' '''A BUG!''' ''[flees back to his mousehole]''
:'''Bear''': ''[looking around]'' Tutter? ''[sees Tutter from his mousehole]'' Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': ''[scared]'' Bear, Bear, I'm down here.
:'''Bear''': Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': ''[whimpers]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter, what's the matter?
:'''Tutter''': The matter? What's the matter? The matter is bugs, Bear. Bugs! ''[shivers]''
:'''Bear''': But, Tutter, it was just a little bug.
:'''Tutter''': Little? Little bug? Heh. Well, it may be to a big old bear like you, but to a mouse, they're giants. ''[to the viewer]'' GIANTS I TELL YOU!
:'''Bear''': Well, Tutter, I can understand why you're worried but…
:'''Tutter''': Yeah, I'm worried, Bear. Those bugs with their pinchers, and crazy wiggling antennas and the wings fluttering. ''[wriggles]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter. Tutter, Tutter. Breathe in.
:'''Tutter''': ''[inhales]''
:'''Bear''': Breathe out.
:'''Tutter''': ''[exhales]''
:'''Bear''': Now, Tutter, the bug is way out at the Otter Pond and you're in here.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, you don't think these bugs like I do, Bear. One minute they're out there. And the next minute they're right in your face eating all your food! ''[whimpers]'' Just don't let Ojo bring it in the house, Bear, okay?
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter, I'll tell her.
:'''Tutter''': ''[sighs]''
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' Some of us don't like to be around bugs but, that’s okay, too.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': But, you know, Tutter, there are some bugs that are useful.
:'''Tutter''': Well, that's all well and good, Bear. All well and good. Er, but, if you don't mind, I'd rather bugs not be useful around me. Huh! See you later, Bear, goodbye.
:'''Bear''': Oh, uh… Okay, Tutter. Bye bye.
:'''Tutter''': Bye now.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': ''[looking through binoculars]'' I'm looking for you, bug. You're not gonna sneak up on this mouse. ''[sees Bear and Treelo]'' Wait! Wait! I see them! Two bugs! Boy. Real furry ones, too. One's big and brown and the other one's green and white and-- Oh, no! They're getting closer! ''[screaming]''
:'''Bear and Treelo''': Tutter?
:'''Bear''': It's Bear. ''[Tutter stops screaming and looks at the camera]''
:'''Treelo''': And Treelo. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Tutter''': Oh. It's just you two. You scared me out of my wits. Huh!
:'''Treelo''': ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, Tutter.
:'''Bear''': We didn't mean to, Tutter, but what's with all the sandbags?
:'''Treelo''': Yeah.
:'''Tutter''': Well, a mouse has to protect his home, doesn't he?
:'''Treelo''': ''[gibberish]''
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Treelo''': From what?
:'''Tutter''': An invasion. An invasion of bugs! ''[looks though the binoculars]''
:'''Bear''': Treelo, Ojo found a bug out by the otter pond.
:'''Treelo''': Ah, a bug.
:'''Bear''': But, Tutter, there's nothing to worry about. That kind of bug never comes inside.
:'''Treelo''': Yeah, no come inside, Tutter. No come inside.
:'''Tutter''': Hmm. I don't kno…
:'''Ojo''': Hey, everybody.
:'''Tutter and Treelo''': Hi, Ojo!
:'''Bear''': Hey, Ojo.
:'''Ojo''': Hi.
:'''Bear''': Um, Ojo, I thought you were out looking for your bug?
:'''Treelo and Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Ojo''': Oh. Well, I was and I followed her right in the front door.
:'''Tutter''': What? ''[realizes the bug was in the Big Blue House and gasps]'' The bug's in the house?! The bug's in the house?! Red alert! ''[screams]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter! Tutter, clam down. Treelo, Ojo and I will look for the bug and take him back outside.
:'''Treelo''': Yeah, look for bug.
:'''Ojo''': Yeah. Yeah, okay. Here buggy, buggy.
:'''Treelo''': Here, bug! Here, bug! Here, bug!
:'''Ojo''': Here buggy, buggy. Here buggy, buggy.
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Buggy, buggy, buggy. Ah! Buggy.
:'''Bear''': Do you want to come with us?
:'''Tutter''': Oh! Um… ''[smacks lips]'' No thanks, Bear. I'll stay right here on alert. For your realize, Bear, there comes a time in every mouse's life when he is tested by fate when he must stand or fall when he's against the pomp and cir--
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter. Okay. Okay. I'll be right back.
:'''Tutter''': Oh. Uh… ''[Bear leaves]'' Oh. Okay, Bear. No problem! Heh. After all, what am I? A mouse, or… a mouse? Um… erm… Well, heh, I'll be fine right here… ''[worried]'' all alone. ''[hears a noise and gasps]'' What was that? ''[looks through the binoculars]'' Bear? Bear? Is that you? ''[the bug appears crawling along the wall towards him]'' Ojo? Come on, guys, this isn't funny.
:''[He sees the bug and gasps in shock. He freezes and slowly turns to the camera]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Later, Bear tries to find the bug before noticing Ojo and Treelo]''
:'''Bear''': Oh. Did you two find anything?
:'''Ojo''': Aw, Bear, we looked everywhere a bug could be.
:'''Treelo''': Yeah, no bug.
:'''Bear''': Hmm. I wonder where she went?
:'''Tutter''': ''[offscreen]'' Bear! Bear!
:'''Bear''': Oh. That sounds like Tutter.
:''[He, Ojo and Treelo gasp, realizing that Tutter may have a lead on the bug]''
:'''Bear, Ojo and Treelo''': The bug!
:'''Bear''': Let's go.
:'''Ojo''': Okay.
:''[She, Bear and Treelo enter the kitchen]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Treelo''': Tutter?
:'''Bear''': Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': Tutter?
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' Where's Tutter?
:'''Ojo''': ''[noticing Tutter was not at his mousehole and gasps]'' He's gone.
:'''Treelo''': Oh, no.
:'''Bear''': Well, he was right there when I left him.
:'''Tutter''': I'm over here.
:'''Bear''': Huh?
:''[The camera moves towards the door, where Tutter and the bug is]''
:'''Tutter''': ''[chuckles]''
:'''Treelo''': Hey.
:'''Tutter''': I'm over here, guys. Come on. I've got someone I want you to meet. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Ojo''': Don't worry, Tutter, she won't hurt you.
:'''Tutter''': It's okay, Ojo. It's okay.
:'''Ojo''': Yeah?
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': But Tutter, aren't you afraid of the bug?
:'''Treelo''': Yeah.
:'''Tutter''': Why be scared of a friend?
:'''Bear, Ojo and Treelo''': A friend?
:'''Tutter''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. I must admit I was a little scared at first. But then I noticed that she was chewing on this weed here. I-It's a weed from my tomato garden. And, as you all know, these weeds are very bad for my garden. But hey. This bug loves weeds. Huh? Huh? Huh?
:'''Bear''': That's one of the great things about bugs. ''[to the viewer]'' This bug loves to eat weeds and that helps our gardens to grow.
:'''Tutter''': ''[nodding]'' Mm-hm.
:'''Ojo''': Aw. See, I told you she was a friend.
:'''Tutter''': ''[nodding]'' Yeah. Oh, oh! And by the way, her name is Bertha.
:'''Ojo''': Oh.
:'''Treelo''': Hm.
:'''Ojo''': Well…
:'''Ojo and Treelo''': Hello, Bertha.
:'''Bear''': Hello, Bertha.
:'''Tutter''': Oh. What's that, Bertha? ''[listens to Bertha]'' Uh-huh. She says she misses her… her log?
:'''Ojo''': Oh. Well, um, that's where she lives.
:'''Treelo''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Bear''': Yeah. And bugs do belong outside. ''[to the viewer]'' Hey, do you want to help us to take her back to the pond?
:'''Ojo, Tutter and Treelo''': Yeah!
:'''Bear''': Yeah.
:'''Bear, Tutter, Ojo and Treelo''': To the pond!
:'''Tutter''': ''[chuckles]''
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' Come on.
:''[Outside, Ojo places Bertha on the log]''
:'''Ojo''': There you go, Bertha. You're home.
:'''Treelo and Tutter''': Aw.
:'''Bear''': Nice job, Ojo.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Ojo''': I'm going to miss her, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Well, Ojo, you can come visit her anytime you want. ''[Pip and Pop appear behind Bear]''
:'''Pip and Pop''': Hey, guys.
:'''Tutter''': Oh.
:'''Bear, Ojo, Treelo and Tutter''': Hey, Pip and Pop.
:'''Pip and Pop''': Whatcha doing?
:'''Ojo''': Uh, we were just bringing Bertha home.
:'''Treelo''': Yeah.
:'''Pip and Pop''': Ohhh. So, ya like bugs, do ya?
:'''Treelo''': Yeah, I love bugs.
:'''Ojo''': Yeah.
:'''Tutter''': Well, I like Bertha anyway.
:'''Pop''': Hm. Should we show them, Pip?
:'''Pip''': I think we can, Pop.
:'''Bear''': Show us what?
:'''Pip''': Just maybe the coolest bug thing of all.
:'''Pop''': That's all.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, wow! Show us! Show us!
:'''Bear''': Yeah. Let's see, right?
:'''Pip and Pop''': Right this way. ''[giggling]'' It's over here. Tutter!
:''[They show Bear, Tutter, Ojo and Treelo a pupa on a branch]''
:'''Bear''': Ooh.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, great. A bump on the branch. Hey, that's a show.
:'''Bear''': This is called a pupa. It's a bug egg sack, and inside is a…
:'''Pip and Pop''': Don't spoil it, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Oops, sorry, guys.
:'''Pip and Pop''': Watch.
:''[Something begins to emerge from the pupa]''
:'''Treelo''': What's happening?
:'''Tutter''': I-It's moving.
:'''Treelo''': ''[gibberish]''
:'''Ojo''': Oh, look.
:'''Tutter''': What's it coming out?
:''[A monarch butterfly emerges]''
:'''Treelo''': Oh, look!
:'''Ojo''': Oh, wow.
:'''Treelo''': What a beautiful butterfly.
:'''Tutter''': Hey, I like this bug too. It's so small.
:'''Bear''': ''[to Pip and Pop]'' Nice discovery, guys.
:'''Pop''': Thank you. Thank you very much.
:'''Tutter, Treelo and Ojo''': Ohhh.
:'''Bear''': Aah.
:'''Pip and Pop''': We love watching the butterflies.

===It's A Mystery To Me [2.26]===

===I Was Just Thinking [2.33]===

===Call It A Day [2.36]===

===When You've Got to Go! [2.39]===

==Season 3 (1999)==
===Friends at Play [3.1]===

===Nothing to Fear [3.2]===
:'''Bear''': ''[entering the kitchen with a package]'' Let's see, it says it's from… &quot;L.L. Bear Catalog!&quot; Oh, this is great! This must be the bear clock I ordered. ''[to the viewer]'' Yeah. I ordered a clock in the shape of a bear. ''[begins opening the package]'' This is going to be so neat. Wait till you see this! This is a clock shaped ''[drumroll]'' just like a…
:''[He pulls a out a clock, which is similar to the design of {{w|Kit-Cat Klock|Kit-Cat Klock}}, in the shape of a shunk from the package]''
:'''Bear''': …skunk? It's a… it's a skunk clock. Wait a minute. This isn't right. What does this say here? ''[picks up the card]'' Um… Uh, ''[reads]'' &quot;Congratulations on receiving your 'The Skunk Clock.' It is sure to add skunky charm to your home.&quot; They made a mistake. They sent me the wrong clock. Um… well, I mean… that's okay… maybe, maybe this'll work out. I mean, skunks are good too, ''[lens up the skunk clock to the viewers]'' right? Let's see. Where should we hang this? ''[walks to the kitchen table]'' Um… here? ''[looks at the floor]'' Um, down here? ''[looks at the wall where the apple clock is]'' Hey! How about up here? Yeah. That's a good spot. Okay. ''[puts the skunk clock on the kitchen bench]'' So we'll put this down and take down the apple clock. ''[hears Ojo and Treelo playing outside]'' Huh?
:'''Ojo''': ''[laughs]'' Alright, Treelo!
:'''Bear''': Hey. That's Ojo and Treelo and it sounds like they're playing outside. Do you want to go see what they're doing? Come on. We'll have fun hanging the… skunk later.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Bear puts up his skunk clock on the wall and turns it on as the skunk clock's eyes moving back and forth and swinging his tail pendulum back and forth]''
:'''Bear''': There. It looks pretty good, huh? …for a skunk. ''[sniffing]'' And for a skunk clock, it smells pretty good too.
:''[Bear chuckles and he watches the skunk clock's tail pendulum swinging and yawns]''
:'''Bear''': Suddenly, I'm a little sleepy. Um, I think I'll go take a nap for a few minutes. I'll be back. ''[exits the kitchen]''
:'''Tutter''': Oh, hickory dickory! ''[the camera pans down to him]'' What is making that noise. It's… ''[scoffs]'' Gee whiz… ''[he is seen holding Kitty and his blanket]'' How can a mouse take a nap around here with all this ticking and tocking! Bear! Who is making all that noise? Bear?
:''[He looks around and saws Bear's skunk clock]''
:'''Tutter''': ''[founds the problem]'' Aha! ''[turns around; to the viewer]'' Look at that. Will you? ''[growls]''
:''[He storms inside his mousehole and runs upstairs to the top shelf]''
:'''Tutter''': Humph. Now let me see, go up the stairs here… up the left… up the right… ''[panting]'' Boy, lot more stairs than I remember from last time. Oh, trying to take a look. Now, where is that… where could… oh, yeah! Ahem. Um, excuse me, Mr., um, Skunk. Um, I know you must be a guest of Bear's and I-I hate to be rude… but would you mind terribly, I mean, would you terribly mind, wou-- would you ju… ''[shouting]'' OH, WOULD YOU JUST BE QUIET?!?
:''[The camera shows the skunk clock's view]''
:'''Tutter''': Aha. Well, um… You see, this mouse is trying to take a nap and-and with all that tick, tock, tick tocking… Well, heh, it is pretty noisy. ''[laughs]''
:''[The skunk clock won't answer]''
:'''Tutter''': Excuse me, um… ''[gulps]'' M-M-Mr. Skunk? H-Hello? Um… W-w-well, a-at least you could answer me! Would you-- Hey. Hey wha-- Quit looking at me like that! W-Would… ''[looks at the skunk clock's tail pendulum]'' And quit wagging your tail! W-Would… Stop, I mean it now! Stop it, please!
:'''Bear''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Just stop it! Stop it! ''[gasping]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter? Tutter! Tutter! Take it easy. Now, breathe in… ''[Tutter deeply breathes in]'' Breathe out. ''[Tutter exhales and gulps in horror]'' Now, Tutter, tell me what happened?
:'''Tutter''': ''[mumbling]'' Well, th-this skunk-this skunk, Bear, ''[Bear looks confused]'' i-is-is scaring me. HE'S SCARING ME!! ''[gasping]''
:'''Bear''': Skunk? Wh--? Oh, you mean my new skunk clock?
:'''Tutter''': Clock? I don't know anything about a clock. All I know is that skunk won't even answer me, Bear. And those eyes. Those eyes! ''[goes crazy]''
:'''Bear''': No. No. Tutter, Tutter, take it easy. See, it's not a real skunk, it's a clock - in the shape of a skunk.
:'''Tutter''': Huh?
:'''Bear''': Yes. It's a clock. See? The numbers.
:'''Tutter''': I-I guess I do see the numbers, Bear, but… that's a strange skunk!
:'''Bear''': Tell you what, Tutter. Why don't you come on down and I'll show you something. Okay?
:'''Tutter''': Oh. Okay, Bear, but I don't know what there is to see.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
[Inside, tutter broken the skunk clock]
:'''Tutter''': (laughs)
:'''Bear''': [bear comes in] shamma lamma shooby dobby doo wop bop 4x [bear dances to Tutter]
:'''Bear''': Okay Tutter I'm back! How's it go--- [bear stops dancing to see the skunk clock broken by Tutter] ing?
:'''Tutter''': oh! Ha ha! It's going great bear! Just great! I took a good look at this skunk clock just like you said (chuckles)
:'''Bear''': I see... [Bear looks at the audience]
:'''Tutter''': Yeah
:'''Bear''': My skunk clock
:'''Tutter''': and I am happy to report bear, that your right! It is a clock! In fact bear [tutter looks at clock then back to bear] It is a clock by the shape of a skunk! How bout that?
:'''Bear''': (sadly) well that's great news Tutter
:'''Tutter''': yeah. Now I see how silly it was to be afraid of it (laughter) I laugh, I laugh at this clock that looks like a skunk (laughter again) (chuckles)
:'''Bear''': well, that's... That's great Tutter
:'''Tutter''': Yeah so... So go ahead Bear
:'''Tutter''': Just hang it up on the wall there!
:'''Tutter''': It makes a wonderful addition to your kitchen (chuckles) as for me
:'''Tutter''': (yawns) I'm going to finish my nap now, but I just want you to know that I feel so much better bear. Much better! (Chuckles) well goodbye bear [Tutter leaves]
:'''Bear''': Okay... Umm [Bear moves to let Tutter through] Oh... Uhh
:'''Tutter''': excuse me (chuckles)
:'''Bear''': see ya later! [Bear looks at his broken clock] Well umm, I'm glad Tutter feels better [bear touches his broken skunk clock] So uhh... Before I hang this up, I should probably put it all back together again [bear touches a long cable connecting to his broken skunk clock] [he pulls it] I wonder where this piece goes? (the cable boings) [bear is surprised for a sec] (sigh)

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

===Lost and Found [3.3]===

===The Senseless Detectives [3.4]===

===You Never Know [3.6]===

===Bear's Secret Cave [3.11]===

===Smellorama [3.12]===

===Wait for Me [3.14]===
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' Wow. That is one little bear cub that is ready to wait. Say, have you ever had to wait for anything? Yeah. Wait.
:''[Drumroll can be heard. He begins to say &quot;wait&quot;, but the word didn't appear]''
:'''Bear''': Ahem. ''[the word &quot;wait&quot; appears]'' Wait. Yeah. We all have to wait but it's just a part of life. Even though sometimes it can be really hard to wait for things. ''[the word disappears]'' Like, for example, when you have to wait your turn to ride the carousel.
:''[Two animated carousel horses passes Bear as carousel music and children giggling can be heard]''
:'''Bear''': Or when you have to wait for the cookies to bake. ''[an animated oven appears]'' Mmm. I can taste them already. ''[he taps his lips and the oven disappears]'' Or when you have to wait till you're a little older to have your next birthday. Now that's something worth waiting for.
:''[Animated balloons, presents and streamers rises as party horns can be heard]''
:'''Bear''': See. No matter who you are or what you want, sooner or later, we all just have to wait. ''[sings]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Bear's stomach growls.]''
:'''Bear''': ''[to the viewer]'' Did you hear that? That sounded like my… ''[his stomach growls again]'' …stomach. Here. Listen.
:''[The camera closes up to his stomach. His stomach growls again]''
:'''Bear''': Yep. That's my stomach. Has your stomach ever gone rumbly-rumbly when it's hungry? Well, let's see if we can't find this big ol' Bear a little snack. ''[notices the refrigerator]'' Hey. I'll check inside the refrigerator. ''[looks inside the refrigerator]'' Now, let's see… ''[Tutter appears]''
:'''Tutter''': Bear!
:'''Bear''': D'oh! Oof!
:'''Tutter''': Oh! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Bear''': Oh, uh, Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': You startled me.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, I'm sorry, Bear, very sorry, but-but would you, would you please close the freezer? O-Otherwise, my cheesy fruit pops will never get frozen. ''[to the viewer]'' Never!
:'''Bear''': Hm? Cheesy fruit pops?
:'''Tutter''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bear, you see them? Right there in the ice cube tray.
:''[Bear picks up the ice cube tray with the cheesy fruit pops into shapes of triangles, squares and circles]''
:'''Bear''': Oh, yeah. You're making popsicles with juice.
:'''Tutter''': Uh-huh. D-Don't they look just like little pieces of cheese? ''[chuckles]'' I just love 'em, just love 'em. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, oh! Hey, Bear, are they done yet? Are they?
:'''Bear''': Well… no, Tutter. There's still a little… juicy.
:'''Tutter''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, Bear. But I-I guess I'll just have to wait some more. ''[chuckles and sighs]''
:'''Bear''': Okay. I'll just 'pop' them back in for you. ''[Tutter becomes surprise and looks at the camera]''
:'''Tutter''': Pop them back in? ''[laughs]'' I get that, Bear. Pop them back in. Cheesy fruit pops. Pop them back in. Oo-hoo, oo-hoo. Ooo. Ooo. Oh, my side. ''[falls off the refrigerator]'' Uh-- Ahh! ''[grunts]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter, are you okay?
:'''Tutter''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, Bear. I'm fine. ''[chuckles]'' Cheesy fruit pops.
:'''Tutter and Bear''': ''[chuckle]''
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter. ''[Tutter looks at the refrigerator while wagging his tail]'' Now, let's see, where can I get a snack? Hmm… ''[Tutter stops wagging his tail and looks at the camera. Bear looks at the shelves]'' Ah.
:'''Tutter''': Bear?
:'''Bear''': Um…?
:'''Tutter''': Y-y-y-y-you think it's ready now?
:'''Bear''': Well, Tutter, we just looked.
:'''Tutter''': Oh. ''[sighs]''
:'''Bear''': Tutter, I think you could use a… ''[holds out a kitchen timer (a minute minder timer from {{w|Lux Products|Lux Products}}) in his hand]'' timer.
:'''Tutter''': A timer? Wow! What a great idea, Bear. A timer. Who would have thought it? Look at that. Bear?
:'''Bear''': Mmm?
:'''Tutter''': What's a timer?
:'''Bear''': Oh. Well, you see, Tutter, a timer lets you know when something's done.
:'''Tutter''': Huh?
:'''Bear''': You see, you just set the timer…
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Bear''': …and then when it goes ding, like this… ''[the timer dings, which frightens Tutter]''
:'''Tutter''': D'uh! ''[hides behind the refrigerator, and he peeks his eyes]''
:'''Bear''': …that's when you know that whatever it is you're waiting for is done.
:'''Tutter''': Ohhh. Okay, Bear. Boy, that sounds great!
:'''Bear''': So now, I'll just set the timer…
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': …and when it goes ding…
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Bear''': …then you know your cheesy fruit pops are ready.
:'''Tutter''': Okay, Bear. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter. ''[walks off]''
:'''Tutter''': Mm.
:'''Bear''': Now, let's see. What can I have a snack? Hmm. Let's see… honey? No, um, maybe some… honey and peanut butter?
:''[Tutter has set the timer back to zero again and it dings]''
:'''Bear''': That seemed awfully quick. ''[walks back to the refrigerator]''
:'''Tutter''': Okay, Bear! The pops are done! ''[chuckles]'' Gonna have cheesy fruit pops. ''[Bear picks up the timer and looks at it]'' Uh, cheesy fruit pops.
:'''Bear''': Um… Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, yes, Bear?
:'''Bear''': Did you set the timer back to zero, again?
:'''Tutter''': Well, yeah, yeah. I guess I helped a little. ''[chuckles]'' B-B-But you said, Bear, you said, &quot;When the timer dings, the pops are be done.&quot;
:'''Bear''': &quot;…the pops are done.&quot; Right.
:'''Tutter''': Yes! ''[laughs]''
:'''Bear''': Um, you see, Tutter, the thing is…
:'''Tutter''': Yeah?
:'''Bear''': …um, you have to actually wait for time to go by.
:'''Tutter''': ''[looking on]'' Ohhh. Oh! ''[laughs]'' I get that now, Bear. Okay. Time goes &quot;by&quot;.
:'''Bear''': Right.
:'''Tutter''': Yeah.
:'''Bear''': So let me set the timer again.
:'''Tutter''': Okay.
:'''Bear''': And now, this time…
:'''Tutter''': Hm.
:'''Bear''': …when the timer actually goes ding…
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Bear''': …that's when the pops will be done.
:'''Tutter''': Great. Okay, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Okay.
:''[He walks off, but then stops after he looks at Tutter. He looks at him again and the camera]''
:'''Bear''': Um… ''[walks back to Tutter]'' Excuse me. Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Uh, oh. Yes, Bear?
:'''Bear''': One more thing about the timer.
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Bear''': You don't have to actually watch it. You can actually like, go off, scamper away, do other things, play.
:'''Tutter''': ''[confused]'' Scamper away?
:'''Bear''': Leave.
:'''Tutter''': Whoa, whoa! Now… Whoa, whoa! …hold on just a second there, Bear. Do you mean to say that-that I could be over there in my mousehole, sweeping up, o-o-or sitting in my screening room watching a movie, o-or just relaxing by the lap pool? ''[gasps excitedly]''
:'''Bear''': ''[quizzically]'' Lap pool?
:'''Tutter''': Whoa. A-And meanwhile, outside, here in the kitchen, uh, the-the-the pops are in the freezer freezing, and I-I don't have to sit here and wait at all?
:'''Bear''': Exactly. The timer will tell you when to come back.
:'''Tutter''': Wow! Boy, howdy! What'll they think of next, huh? Okay. Wow. Thank you, Bear. Boy, I'll see you later! Boy, what an education. ''[chuckles and jumps off the refrigerator]'' Whoo! 
:'''Bear''': Oh. Okay, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': See ya, Bear.
:'''Bear''': See you later. ''[chuckles]''
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;


&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

===That Healing Feeling [3.16]===
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;


&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''' Well, so, Doctor Hogg…
:'''Doc Hogg''': Hmm?
:'''Tutter''': …what's the story?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Eh?
:'''Tutter''': Well, what's wrong with my little tail?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Tutter, I think your tail has a little fracture in it.
:'''Tutter''': ''[relaxed]'' Hm-hm, a fracture. Hm. ''[shocked]'' A FRACTURE?! ''[gasps]'' A fracture! Bear, I've got a fracture! Oh, it's worse than I thought! Oh…! Doctor Hogg, what's a fracture?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Oh. ''[chuckles]'' Well, Tutter, it's not too bad. It can happen to anyone. I'll use the x-ray machine and I'll show you.
:'''Tutter''': ''[surprised]'' An x-ray? What's that?!
:'''Doc Hogg''': ''[bringing in an x-ray camera]'' Well, I'll show you that, too. See, this is an x-ray camera. It can take a picture of the inside of you.
:'''Tutter''': What?
:'''Doc Hogg''': This time, we're taking a picture of the inside of your tail.
:'''Tutter''': Really?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Mm-hm.
:'''Tutter''': The inside of my tail?
:'''Doc Hogg''': ''[chuckles]''
:'''Tutter''': Boy, wow! Hey, I've never seen the inside of my tail before, Bear.
:'''Bear''': I know. Me neither.
:'''Bear, Doc Hogg, Tutter and Ojo''': ''[chuckle]''
:'''Doc Hogg''': Okay, now, if you don't mind, step back, Bear, Ojo, you too. ''[moves the x-ray camera towards Tutter]'' Give Tutter a little bit of room.
:'''Tutter and Ojo''': Okay.
:'''Bear''': Okay, Tutter. We're still here.
:'''Doc Hogg''': And in just a minute or two, we'll have…
:''[Cuts to a x-ray picture of the fracture in the inside of Tutter's tail on the wall]''
:'''Doc Hogg''': …a picture.
:'''Tutter''': Ah.
:'''Doc Hogg''': ''[chuckles]'' Hmm? Now then, uh, Tutter, you see right there?
:'''Tutter''': Wh… You mean that little break?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Yep. That's what a fracture is. ''[Bear nods to the viewer]''
:'''Tutter''': Ah.
:'''Doc Hogg''': A little break in one of your bones.
:'''Tutter''': Oh, okay.
:'''Doc Hogg''': If I had a dime for every time a mouse came in here with a little fracture in his tail. Well, heh-heh. I'd have a whole lot of dimes. ''[Bear, in confusion, Tutter and Ojo, in surprise, stare at the camera]'' Well, uh, because of that fracture…
:'''Tutter''': Mm-hm.
:'''Doc Hogg''': …we'll have to give you a little cast.
:'''Tutter''':  ''[gasps softly]'' Hey. Hey, did you hear that, guys? I'm going to get a cast.
:'''Bear''': Yeah. ''[Tutter chuckles, but looks interested]''
:'''Tutter''': Doctor Hogg, what's a cast?
:'''Doc Hogg''': Oh, well…
:''[Soon, Tutter has a cast on his tail]''
:'''Doc Hogg''': See? A cast is a special hard bandage that can set your tail in the right position.
:'''Tutter''': What, you mean so it'll be straight again?
:'''Doc Hogg''': That's the idea, Tutter.

===The Tutter Family Reunion [3.17]===

===Bats are People Too [3.18]===
:''[In the kitchen, Bear sips a cup of hot cocoa]''
:'''Bear''': Aaah. ''[to the viewer]'' You know, I'm still doing things a little differently today. Instead of having my usual cup of tea, I'm having a cup of nice, hot cocoa. ''[smells the hot cocoa]'' Ah. Smells delicious.
:'''Ojo''': ''[offscreen]'' Bear! Bear! Ooh, ho-oh, oh…
:'''Bear''': That sounds like Ojo. Ojo? ''[Ojo starts panting. She was seen wearing a hat and scarf]'' Ojo? ''[He bumps into Ojo]'' Oh! Ojo, take it easy. Okay, now, just tell me what happened.
:'''Ojo''': Bear, I was, I was up in the attic playing dress up, and, and, and, and, and, and…
:'''Bear''': Ojo, Ojo, easy, easy. Breathe in. ''[Ojo inhales]'' Breathe out. ''[Ojo exhales]''
:'''Ojo''': ''[panting]'' And this big old monster with wings came flying right in the window, Bear. It was awful.
:'''Bear''': A monster? Through the window?
:'''Tutter''': Hey, hey, hey!
:'''Bear''': Hmm? ''[Tutter was at his mousehole, holding a picture book called &quot;The Mouse and the Mountain&quot;]'' Oh, hey, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': What's the-- Hey, Bear. Wh-what's all the racket? I'm trying to concentrate on a picture book in here.
:'''Ojo''': Oh, oh, but, Tutter, I saw a monster. ''[Tutter looks shock and stares at the camera while pausing.]'' He had these ''big'' brown wings and these ''big'' pointy ears, ''[Tutter laughs, thinking Ojo was joking]'' and, and…
:'''Tutter''': Oh, Ojo. Brown wings, pointy ears.
:'''Ojo''': But-but-but, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': ''[laughs]'' Well, any mouse can tell you there's no such thing as monsters. ''[to Bear]'' Right, Bear?
:'''Bear''': That's right, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': ''[to Ojo]'' See? Heh-heh.
:'''Bear''': In fact, Ojo, I think you saw a little ''[Tutter nods]'' bat that flew in from the pond.
:'''Tutter''': ''[looking in his picture book]'' Yeah, that's right, a little-- ''[gasps in shock]'' Bat?! Did-did-did you say &quot;bat&quot;?
:'''Bear''': Yeah, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': As in &quot;flappy-flappy, eekie-eekie&quot;?
:'''Bear''': Um… yeah. ''[Tutter turns to the camera in horror]''
:'''Tutter''': ''[shouts]'' LATER! ''[rushes back inside his mousehole and slams the door closed]''
:'''Bear''': But, Tutter, there's nothing to be…
:''[Tutter locks the door and Bear finishes his last two words.]''
:'''Bear''': …afraid of.

===The Yard Sale [3.21]===

===Go to Sleep [3.24]===

==Unreleased Episodes (1999-2006)==
===A Berry Bear Christmas [television special]===
:'''Bear''' ''[last line of the series]'': And by the way...
:'''All''': Happy Holidays! ''[shouting farewells]''

==Season 4 (2002-2006)==

====Welcome to Woodland Valley [4.1-4.2]====
:'''Doc Hogg''': Can't be a Woodland Valley firefighter without the hat, Bear. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Bear''': Yes, I know, Doc. Hey, I bet you didn't know that Doc and I are volunteer firefighters.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Ojo''': But Bear, where will we get our books now?
:'''Harry''': ''[sighs]'' We'll never go to the library again.
:'''Ojo''': The library was my favorite place.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Doc Hogg''': ''♪ There's the movie theater ♪'' 
:''♪ The biggest one around ♪''
:''♪ We get the latest movies ♪''
:''♪ Even ones with sound. ♪''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Ojo''': Well, sometimes when things happens, like what happened to the library, it's weird when buildings get hurt and it worries me, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Yeah, I know what you mean, Ojo. But maybe this'll help. ''[sings]'' 
:''♪ Let me hold you in my arms ♪''
:''♪ Let me keep you safe and warm ♪''
:''♪ Let me bring you to a place ♪'' 
:''♪ Where there is no harm, no harm ♪''
:''♪ And as long as you're with me ♪'' 
:''♪ Then we've both got family ♪''
:''♪ And we'll have everything we need ♪''
:''♪ And there'll be no harm, no harm. ♪''

====Step by Step [4.3]====

====First Day at Mouse School [4.4]====
:'''Ojo''': So, who do you think you'll sit next to at Mouse School, Tutter?
:'''Tutter''': Well, Ojo, according to everything I've heard, I shall be sitting next to, um... a mouse of some sort.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': Dry those tears, little Ojo. Buck up, little otters. Your Tutter will still be the same.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Mice... they grow up so fast, don't they? ''[sighs sadly and blows his nose]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': But Bear, what if the other kids at school don't like me? What if I don't fit in, Bear? Who's gonna help me through my first day of school, Bear? Because if you're not there, I don't know who's gonna do it! And I don't think I can make it through the entire day without you!
:'''Bear''': Tutter, Tutter. Breathe in. Breathe out.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': ''[showing off baby pictures of Tutter]'' Here he is in his crib. And here he is taking his first steps. He was quite the early walker.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': So, Tutter, how's it going? Still worried about fitting in?
:'''Tutter''': Fitting in? Me? ''[giggles]'' Oh, no, Bear. It's you won't fit in. You're too big. Too big!

====Rockin' Rocko [4.5]====
:'''Rocko''': This is gonna be great, it's a little game I just made up called &quot;grilling Mr. Cheese&quot;
:'''Pip''': Grilling Mr. Cheese?
:'''Rocko''': Yeah, we capture Mr. Cheese, put him under a hot light and ask him a bunch of questions about what he's been up to.
:'''Rocko''': My guess is, he's gonna melt under the pressure (laughs) [Rocko speeds off to get Mr. Cheese]
:'''Pip and Pop''': ROCKO NO!
:'''Rocko''': Aha! [Rocko takes Mr. Cheese] I got him, I got him!
:'''Tutter''': What are you doing Rocko? 
:'''Rocko''': I got some questions for you
:'''Tutter''': Hey!
:'''Pip''': that's not cool
:'''Pip and Pop''': Rocko! Let go!
:'''Tutter''': give me Mr. Cheese Rocko, give him back! [Rocko and Tutter fights over Mr. Cheese] [Bear comes in]
:'''Bear''': Well, here's your snacks the... [Bear is surprised] Hey! What's going on?
:'''Rocko''': Ooh, uhh... Everything's okay Bear, just having some fun, right guys?
:'''Everyone except Rocko and Bear''': Well, actually...
:'''Tutter''': (screaming) NO! NO NO NO NO, AND NO!
:'''Pip''': I'm afraid it's all true
:'''Pop''': [nodding] Mhm
:'''Pip''': Everybody is not having fun Rocko
:'''Pop''': Yeah, in fact, it's kind of turned into the opposite of fun
:'''Pip''': One could say &quot;un-fun&quot;
:'''Pop''': [nodding again] Mhm
:'''Rocko''': Me? Un-fun? Well, okay then, forget it! FORGET ALL OF YOU! [Rocko leaves]
:'''Bear''': Well, umm...
:'''Bear''': Gosh, what happened? I thought you all we're having fun
:'''Pip''': Well... Don't get us wrong
:'''Pip and Pop''': We love Rocko Bear, he's our cousin
:'''Pop''': But I think he's not so good at playing nice
:'''Pip''': One might say &quot;Un-nice&quot;
:'''Pop''': Ooh, very good
:'''Ojo''': Oh yeah, you know? He only wanted to do what he wanted to do
:'''Treelo''': He hurt feelings
:'''Tutter''': Yeah, and wanted to grill poor Mr. Cheese!
:'''Bear''': Gee, well... I think we all should talk to Rocko about this, why don't you all think about what you want to say and... I'll go see if he's okay [Bear leaves]
:'''Tutter''': Okay bear
:'''Ojo''': alright bear

====When Harry Met Hallie [4.6]====

====Show and Tell [4.7]====

====Tutter Gathers Some Moss [4.8]====

====History, Herstory, Bearstory [4.9]====

====At the Old Bear Game [4.10]====

====Let's Hit The Road [4.12]====

====The View from You [4.19]====

====To Clean or Not to Clean [4.20]====
:'''Bear''': I love to take trips, but I love even more to come home to a [bear comes into the living room] nice, clean, Big, blue, [bear pauses to find a huge mess everywhere in the living room] hou...? Oh... Oh... My... Look at this mess! [Bear hears Ojo's voice]
:'''Ojo''': Treelo! Keep looking!
:'''Bear''': Hey, that sounds like Ojo, maybe she can tell me what's been going on. Come on! [Bear goes into Treelo and Ojo's room] Ojo? Treelo? [In the room]
:'''Ojo''': Treelo, oh my!
:'''Treelo''': [Treelo looks for Snowbear] No
:'''Ojo''': (sighs) I don't know where...
:'''Bear''': (Offscreen) Treelo? Ojo?
:'''Ojo''': Oh!
:'''Treelo''': look at... [Bear comes into Treelo and Ojo's room}
:'''Bear''': Hey guys!
:'''Ojo''': Bear! Treelo Bear's home! Hey, come on, let's all... Oh, umm... Just a second bear, no, maybe it's this way [Ojo and Treelo escapes from the mess moving stuff outta the way] 
:'''Ojo''': Bear!
:'''Treelo''': Bear!
:'''Bear''': [hugging Ojo and Treelo] Hey, it's good to see you too
:'''Ojo''': Umm, Bear! We can't find Snowbear!
:'''Treelo''': And no Rockboy Bear!
:'''Ojo''': Yeah yeah yeah, we can't find Snowbear or Rockboy
:'''Bear''': Gee... I really can't see why
:'''Ojo''': Well, what do you mean?
:'''Treelo''': Treelo not get it
:'''Ojo''': Yeah
:'''Bear''': Well... You know... All this...
:'''Ojo''': Oh yeah, you mean cause there's all this stuff around right?
:'''Treelo''': Stuff
:'''Bear''': Yes, that's what I mean
:'''Ojo''': Yeah, Umm... Well... You see, while you we're gone, we kind of thought... You know, what's the point of putting all this stuff away since well, we're just going to pull it all back out again, right?
:'''Treelo''': Yeah, and Lois not care
:'''Ojo''': Yeah, Lois didn't mind
:'''Bear''': Really? 
:'''Ojo''': Yeah
:'''Treelo''': Mhm
:'''Bear''': Well, that's quite err... Interesting way of looking at things I guess
:'''Ojo''': Yeah, that cleaning up was really cutting into our playtime, but now, for some reason, we can't find Snowbear or Rockboy
:'''Bear''': [Treelo keeps looking for Snowbear or Rockboy] Well... Hmm, let's see, where did you last play with them?
:'''Ojo''': (confused) Uh... Somewhere... I think somewhere... Uh... Over there behind what's left of the pillow castle I think
:'''Bear''': Okay well, umm... [Bear gets up to his feet] Why don't we just start cleaning our way over there and let's see uhh... Taking this and putting that away

[after cleaning]

:'''Treelo''': Ta-da!
:'''Ojo''': Perfect
:'''Bear''': Very good! Hey, what's that down there? [Pointing to the ground]
:'''Treelo''': Oh look!
:'''Ojo''': (laughter) (kissing Snowbear) I just can't understand why we had so much trouble finding them
:'''Bear''': Well, you see [Bear gets distracted and looks to the left]
:'''Pip''': No you are it!
:'''Pop''': No you're it!
:'''Bear''': [bear looks at the audience] Hey, that sounds like Pip and Pop, I'd better go see what they're up to, see you later! [Bear leaves]
:'''Ojo and Treelo''': Bye bear (laughter)

====Great Ball of Firefighters [4.21]====

====Grandma Flutter's 100th Birthday [4.22] ====

====Tutter's First Big Sleepover Bash [4.23] ====
:'''Bear''': Tutter's bringing a couple of his friends over tonight for a sleepover. Hey, sleepover. Sleepover. A sleepover is when you stay at a friend's house overnight. Sleepovers are fun and really good practice for when you and your family go on a really long trip and stay at a hotel.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': So, everybody excited about the big sleepover tonight?
:'''Mice Kids''': ''[various murmurs of assent]''
:'''Tutter''': Huh? Huh, guys? Well, are ya'? Huh?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': Grab your gear, everybody! We're moving out!
:'''Mice Kids''': All right! This is gonna be great!
:'''Bear''': Um... everybody? 12...
:'''Tutter''': Hi!
:'''Bear''': 13...
:'''Tutter''': Come on in!
:'''Bear''': 14...

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Tutter''': Oh, guys, guys. It's just Bear's baseball glove.
:'''Luke''': What does he use for a ball? The moon?
:'''Tutter''': Seriously, though. He does talk to the moon.
:'''Luke''': Huh?
:'''Bear''': It's true. I do.
:'''Tutter''': Mmm-hmm, see.
:'''Bear''': Look, everyone, I know everything's kind of big, but I hope you'll think of this as your... well, your home away from home.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': You know, sometimes it's nice to do something at a sleepover that you would do at your house. It helps make you feel more at home in the new place. Okay everybody, baked Brie it is.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Okay, everyone. Some nice baked Brie.
:'''Mice Kids''': Banzai!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': Tutter? Um, what is it?
:'''Tutter''': Um, well, the thing is, I just realized --- I always sleep with Kitty and um, well, I'm just not sure what my friends will think when they see her.
:'''Bear''': Oh, well, Tutter? I wanna show you something. Come here. There you go, Tutter.
:'''Tutter''': Hey, look. Everybody's got a special something to sleep with, just like Kitty. Thank you, Bear.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Luke''': I miss my Mom and Dad.
:'''Bear''': Oh, it's okay, Luke. If you're ever at a sleepover, you should always remember that if you ever wanna go home, get the grownup there to call and your Mom and Dad will come get you.

==== Volunteers in Woodland Valley [4.24] ====
:'''Bear''': Well, you came on a really good day. Today's my day to volunteer. That's right. Volunteer. When you volunteer, you're helping folks in your community.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pip''': You ready for some extreme skateboarding action, Pip?
:'''Pop''': You know it, Pip. I'm otterly ready. ''[both laugh]'' Get it, Pip? Utterly --- otterly.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear:''' ''[walks into the living room with a sack lunch]'' Ah, yes. There's nothing like a sack lunch, when you're a volun... ''[steps on the skateboard Pip and Pop left behind and slides through the living room]'' TEEEEEEEER! 
:''[The skateboard hits the couch. Bear screams as he flips over and falls to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bear''': I wonder how my little volunteers are doing right now. Heh. I bet they're having the time of their lives.

==== Let it Go [4.25] ====
:'''Bear''': Guys, what's going on? You seem kind of---
:'''Pip and Pop''': We're worried, Bear!
:'''Bear''': Worried? What are you worried about?
:'''Pip''': Haven't you heard?
:'''Pop''': The Otter Pond is going to dry up.
:'''Pip and Pop''': True.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pop''': We were really worried, Bear.
:'''Bear''': Well, there's nothing to worry about. ''[the word &quot;worry&quot; appears]'' Hey. &quot;Worry&quot;.
:''[Pip and Pop gasp, then get upset again.]''
:'''Pip and Pop''': Ohhh, &quot;Worry&quot;...!
:'''Bear''': Guys? It's just a word.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Ojo''': We're sending all this stuff to places where they'll be needed. You know, like the rainforest.
:'''Treelo''': Or maybe Seattle.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Radio Announcer''': It's WWTL, your treetop news-station, coming to you from Sequoia City, serving the greater Woodland Valley area. And now...
:'''Bear''': I hope it's the weather.
:'''Radio Announcer''': You got it, the weather.
:'''Bear''': Hmm?

==== This Is Your Life, Bear [4.26] ====
:'''Bear''': Huh. A contest and you win a vacation. With five friends. I could take everybody from the Big Blue House. Oh, a vacation would be great. And I do know my Cha-Cha Records.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pip and Pop''': Well, we wanted to know...
:'''Pip''': When the garbage collectors come to get the trash, do they just take the bag,
:'''Pop''': Or do they leave a totally new can too?
:'''Bear''': That's what you wanted to know?
:'''Pip and Pop''': Mmm, yeah.
:'''Bear''': Okay. Well, when the garbage collector comes, they take the bag and leave the can.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Harry O'Hare''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, first caller, you are on the air.
:'''Bear''': ''[on phone]'' Really? I'm the first caller? Is this Harry O'Hare?
:'''Harry O'Hare''': In the fur, baby. And this is…?
:'''Bear''': Uh… uh… Oh! Oh, I'm Bear. Bear from Woodland Valley.
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Well, okay, Bear from the Woodland Valley. Do you know the answer?
:'''Bear''': Uh, yes. I-I think so. Is it the &quot;Cha-Cha Party&quot; by Swifty Sloth and the Cha-Cha Chimps?
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Ooh! So close and yet, so absolutely right!
:'''Bear''': ''[excited]'' Ah!
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Ha, ha.
:'''Bear''': I… I… I… ''[panting]''
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Bear? Bear?
:'''Bear''': Ye… ye… yeah. ''[panting]''
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Uh, Bear, breathe in.
:'''Bear''': ''[inhales]''
:'''Harry O'Hare''': And breathe out.
:'''Bear''': ''[exhales]''
:'''Harry''': Are you all right, Bear?
:'''Bear''': Yes. Did I win?
:'''Harry O'Hare''': Of course you did. Just stay on the line, Bear, so we can get some information from you.
:'''Bear''': H-ho. I won! ''[whining]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[In a game of hide-and-seek, Tutter runs and hides near the living room's window]
:'''Tutter''': ''[laughs]'' This is perfect. Ojo will never find me here. ''[laughs and notices Bear at the window]'' Huh?
:'''Bear''': ''[chuckles]''
:'''Tutter''': I wonder what's up with Bear?
:'''Bear''': ''[to Harry O'Hare on phone]'' Oh, yes. Oh, I could definitely use a vacation.
:'''Tutter''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Bear''': Mm-hm. Oh, yeah. Well, I have a house full of five little friends. ''[Tutter turns to the camera]'' Yes, it's true. Uh-huh.
:'''Tutter''': Bear needs a vacation? ''[gulps]'' Oh. Whoa. ''[to the viewer]'' I gotta tell everybody else! ''[runs off]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Ojo''': Oh my. It sounds like he was upset.
:'''Pip and Pop''': Whoa. Bear never gets upset.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pop''': Hey. Bear. 
:''[The word &quot;Bear&quot; appears on-screen]'' 
:'''Pip''': I didn't know you could do that, Pop. 
:'''Pop''': There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''Luna''': One life touches many others, Bear. We should make sure that each life we touch, we touch in as a positive a way as we can. 
:'''Bear''': That's a really good point, Luna. In fact, that may be the most important thing of all. 
:'''Luna''': Oh, speaking of which, I'd better be getting back up in the night sky. The Earth needs my light. 
:'''Bear''': Well, Luna, before you go, will you sing the &quot;Goodbye Song&quot; with us, one more time? 
:'''Luna''': You know I'd love to, Bear.
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Hey, this was really fun ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ We hope you liked it too ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Seems like we've just begun ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ When suddenly we're through ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ 'Cause now it's time to go ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ But, hey, I say, well, that's okay ♪''
:'''Luna''': ''♪ 'Cause we'll see you very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ Very soon, I know ♪''
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''♪ And tomorrow, just like today ♪''
:'''Luna''': (Goodbye - today)
:'''Bear and Luna''': ''♪ The moon, the bear and the Big Blue House ♪''
:''♪ Will be waiting for you to come and play ♪''
:''♪ To come and play, to come and play ♪''
:'''Bear''': ''[waves goodbye to Luna]'' Bye now!
:''[Luna goes back up into the night sky]''
:'''Bear''': ''[last line of the series]'' Oh, by the way, I hope I've been one of the nicest parts of your life because... you are one of the nicest parts of mine. ''[nods]'' I'll see you back at the Big Blue House. Bye.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Treehouse TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:Disney Junior shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:TV shows about bears]]
[[Category:TV shows about mice and rats]]
[[Category:Australian Broadcasting Corporation shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Kubo and the 2 Strings|Kubo and the 2 Strings]]''''' is a 2016 American [[w:3D film|3D]] [[w:Stop motion|stop-motion]] [[w:action film|action]] [[w:fantasy film|fantasy film]] directed and produced by [[w:Travis Knight|Travis Knight]] and written by Marc Haimes and Chris Butler. It stars the voices of [[Charlize Theron]], [[w:Art Parkinson|Art Parkinson]], [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]], [[w:Rooney Mara|Rooney Mara]], [[w:George Takei|George Takei]], and [[Matthew McConaughey]]. It is [[w:Laika (company)|Laika]]'s 4th feature film produced. The film revolves around Kubo, a young boy who wields a magical [[w:shamisen|shamisen]] (a Japanese [[guitar]]) and whose left eye was stolen during infancy. Accompanied by an anthropomorphic [[w:snow monkey|snow monkey]] and [[beetle]], he must subdue his mother's corrupted sisters (his aunts) and his power-hungry grandfather Raiden the Moon King who is responsible for stealing his left eye.

==Kubo==
* ''[famous line]'' If you must blink, do it now. Pay careful attention to everything you see and hear, no matter how unusual it may seem. And please be warned: if you fidget, if you look away, if you forget any part of what I tell you, even for an instant, then our hero will surely perish.

==Dialogue==
:'''Kubo''': Who are you? How do you know my name?
:'''Karasu''': We're your family Kubo. Your mother's sisters. We've been looking for you for so long. (''Washi showed from behind Karasu'')
:'''Karasu and Washi''': It's so pleasure to meet you Kubo face to face. Come Kubo. Come to your aunties. There's no reason to be afraid. We just need your other eye. (''Kubo then runs off into the forest'') Your grandfather admires us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;“50%”&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kubo''': Monkey I think he's in trouble! We should help him!
:'''Monkey''': Kubo your aunts are still out there! I'm sorry, but we have to head for shore!
:''[Kubo jumps in the water, leaving Monkey distraught]''
:'''Monkey''': Kubo! ''[Runs across the leafy galleon and jumps off to dive in for Kubo, but a mechanical hand attached to a chain grabs her by the leg and pulls her back onto the deck. She looks up above her as Karasu gently floats down towards the boat holding the chain in her hand]''
:'''Karasu''': Oh how precious. I come here to fish and all I reel in is a wretched ape. It is a shame that this filthy creature is all that's left of my sister's magic.
:'''Monkey''': This filthy creature will tear you APART! ''[Runs to Karasu with a sword in her hands, jumps up and strikes at her who blocks the attack with a sword of her own. Beetle carried Kubo and swim back up on the boat]''
:'''Beetle''': It's the eyes. He looked at the eyes.

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt;
:'''Monkey''': Let me guess, you have questions.
:'''Kubo''': Why did?-
:'''Beetle''': I'll start. First question. If i'm Beetle and you're Monkey, why isn’t he called boy?
:'''Monkey''': Oh boy.

:''[Kubo, Monkey and Beetle were trapped by the mystical smoke. Washi then showed up]''
:'''Monkey''': Release us!
:'''Washi''': Oh sister. I remember how we looked up to you. Such a waste. All we ever wish to be a family in our home amongst the stars.
:'''Monkey''': I think we're from definitions of family.
:''[Washi reached out to Kubo]''
:'''Beetle''': Don't you touch him you witch!
:'''Washi''': And then there's you! The thieving insect who stole my sister's soul.
:'''Monkey''': What?
:'''Washi''': You've been together all this time and you hadn't realized? (''Used the smoke to grab an origami version of Hanzo and she turned him into an origami version of Beetle'') You took her from us. It's the only thing we took from you. How those memories spill from your head up wiping up the recollection on your obscene union Hanzo.
:'''Beetle''': What?
:'''Monkey''': Hanzo?
:''[Kubo is shocked]''
:'''Beetle''': I-I didn't know.
:''[Washi used the smoke to throw Beetle against the wall and crashed]''
:'''Monkey''': No!
:'''Washi''': (''Turned to face Kubo'') I'm forgetting what I came here for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': ''[165 minutes later logo]'' Ready? 3, 2, 1, sing! ''[sings [[The Fox and the Hound|&quot;Best of Friends&quot;]] while strums the strings]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': If you must blink, do it now.
:''[strums the strings and it lights the lanterns on the water]'' 
:'''Kubo''': I know why you want my eye. Because without it, I can't look into the eyes of another and see their soul. Their love...
:'''Raiden''': Everything you loved is GONE! Everything you knew has been taken from you!
:'''Kubo''': No... it's in the memories. The most powerful kind of magic there is. ''[strums the strings again and summons the spirits from the lanterns, much to the Raiden's anger]''
:'''Kubo''': It makes us stronger than you'll ever be. These are the memories of those we've have loved and lost. And if we hold their stories, deep in our hearts… then you will never take them away from us.
:'''Monkey''': So if you dont eat you'll be weak and if your weak you'll be slow and if your slow you'll die

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|Kubo and the Two Strings}}

[[Category:2016 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films about magic]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Kubo and the 2 Strings|Kubo and the 2 Strings]]''''' is a 2016 American [[w:3D film|3D]] [[w:Stop motion|stop-motion]] [[w:action film|action]] [[w:fantasy film|fantasy film]] directed and produced by [[w:Travis Knight|Travis Knight]] and written by Marc Haimes and Chris Butler. It stars the voices of [[Charlize Theron]], [[w:Art Parkinson|Art Parkinson]], [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]], [[w:Rooney Mara|Rooney Mara]], [[w:George Takei|George Takei]], and [[Matthew McConaughey]]. It is [[w:Laika (company)|Laika]]'s 4th feature film produced. The film revolves around Kubo, a young boy who wields a magical [[w:shamisen|shamisen]] (a Japanese [[guitar]]) and whose left eye was stolen during infancy. Accompanied by an anthropomorphic [[w:snow monkey|snow monkey]] and [[beetle]], he must subdue his mother's corrupted sisters (his aunts) and his power-hungry grandfather Raiden the Moon King who is responsible for stealing his left eye.

==Kubo==
* ''[famous line]'' If you must blink, do it now. Pay careful attention to everything you see and hear, no matter how unusual it may seem. And please be warned: if you fidget, if you look away, if you forget any part of what I tell you, even for an instant, then our hero will surely perish.
* Monkey, you saying yourself.

==Dialogue==
:'''Kubo''': Who are you? How do you know my name?
:'''Karasu''': We're your family Kubo. Your mother's sisters. We've been looking for you for so long. (''Washi showed from behind Karasu'')
:'''Karasu and Washi''': It's so pleasure to meet you Kubo face to face. Come Kubo. Come to your aunties. There's no reason to be afraid. We just need your other eye. (''Kubo then runs off into the forest'') Your grandfather admires us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;“50%”&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kubo''': Monkey I think he's in trouble! We should help him!
:'''Monkey''': Kubo your aunts are still out there! I'm sorry, but we have to head for shore!
:''[Kubo jumps in the water, leaving Monkey distraught]''
:'''Monkey''': Kubo! ''[Runs across the leafy galleon and jumps off to dive in for Kubo, but a mechanical hand attached to a chain grabs her by the leg and pulls her back onto the deck. She looks up above her as Karasu gently floats down towards the boat holding the chain in her hand]''
:'''Karasu''': Oh how precious. I come here to fish and all I reel in is a wretched ape. It is a shame that this filthy creature is all that's left of my sister's magic.
:'''Monkey''': This filthy creature will tear you APART! ''[Runs to Karasu with a sword in her hands, jumps up and strikes at her who blocks the attack with a sword of her own. Beetle carried Kubo and swim back up on the boat]''
:'''Beetle''': It's the eyes. He looked at the eyes.

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt;
:'''Monkey''': Let me guess, you have questions.
:'''Kubo''': Why did?-
:'''Beetle''': I'll start. First question. If i'm Beetle and you're Monkey, why isn’t he called boy?
:'''Monkey''': Oh boy.

:''[Kubo, Monkey and Beetle were trapped by the mystical smoke. Washi then showed up]''
:'''Monkey''': Release us!
:'''Washi''': Oh sister. I remember how we looked up to you. Such a waste. All we ever wish to be a family in our home amongst the stars.
:'''Monkey''': I think we're from definitions of family.
:''[Washi reached out to Kubo]''
:'''Beetle''': Don't you touch him you witch!
:'''Washi''': And then there's you! The thieving insect who stole my sister's soul.
:'''Monkey''': What?
:'''Washi''': You've been together all this time and you hadn't realized? (''Used the smoke to grab an origami version of Hanzo and she turned him into an origami version of Beetle'') You took her from us. It's the only thing we took from you. How those memories spill from your head up wiping up the recollection on your obscene union Hanzo.
:'''Beetle''': What?
:'''Monkey''': Hanzo?
:''[Kubo is shocked]''
:'''Beetle''': I-I didn't know.
:''[Washi used the smoke to throw Beetle against the wall and crashed]''
:'''Monkey''': No!
:'''Washi''': (''Turned to face Kubo'') I'm forgetting what I came here for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': ''[165 minutes later logo]'' Ready? 3, 2, 1, sing! ''[sings [[The Fox and the Hound|&quot;Best of Friends&quot;]] while strums the strings]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': If you must blink, do it now.
:''[strums the strings and it lights the lanterns on the water]'' 
:'''Kubo''': I know why you want my eye. Because without it, I can't look into the eyes of another and see their soul. Their love...
:'''Raiden''': Everything you loved is GONE! Everything you knew has been taken from you!
:'''Kubo''': No... it's in the memories. The most powerful kind of magic there is. ''[strums the strings again and summons the spirits from the lanterns, much to the Raiden's anger]''
:'''Kubo''': It makes us stronger than you'll ever be. These are the memories of those we've have loved and lost. And if we hold their stories, deep in our hearts… then you will never take them away from us.
:'''Monkey''': So if you dont eat you'll be weak and if your weak you'll be slow and if your slow you'll die

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|Kubo and the Two Strings}}

[[Category:2016 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films about magic]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Kubo and the Two Strings|Kubo and the Two Strings]]''''' is a 2016 American [[w:3D film|3D]] [[w:Stop motion|stop-motion]] [[w:action film|action]] [[w:fantasy film|fantasy film]] directed and produced by [[w:Travis Knight|Travis Knight]] and written by Marc Haimes and Chris Butler. It stars the voices of [[Charlize Theron]], [[w:Art Parkinson|Art Parkinson]], [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]], [[w:Rooney Mara|Rooney Mara]], [[w:George Takei|George Takei]], and [[Matthew McConaughey]]. It is [[w:Laika (company)|Laika]]'s 4th feature film produced. The film revolves around Kubo, a young boy who wields a magical [[w:shamisen|shamisen]] (a Japanese [[guitar]]) and whose left eye was stolen during infancy. Accompanied by an anthropomorphic [[w:snow monkey|snow monkey]] and [[beetle]], he must subdue his mother's corrupted sisters (his aunts) and his power-hungry grandfather Raiden the Moon King who is responsible for stealing his left eye.

==Kubo==
* ''[famous line]'' If you must blink, do it now. Pay careful attention to everything you see and hear, no matter how unusual it may seem. And please be warned: if you fidget, if you look away, if you forget any part of what I tell you, even for an instant, then our hero will surely perish.
* Monkey, you saying yourself.

==Dialogue==
:'''Kubo''': Who are you? How do you know my name?
:'''Karasu''': We're your family Kubo. Your mother's sisters. We've been looking for you for so long. (''Washi showed from behind Karasu'')
:'''Karasu and Washi''': It's so pleasure to meet you Kubo face to face. Come Kubo. Come to your aunties. There's no reason to be afraid. We just need your other eye. (''Kubo then runs off into the forest'') Your grandfather admires us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;“50%”&quot; /&gt;
:'''Kubo''': Monkey I think he's in trouble! We should help him!
:'''Monkey''': Kubo your aunts are still out there! I'm sorry, but we have to head for shore!
:''[Kubo jumps in the water, leaving Monkey distraught]''
:'''Monkey''': Kubo! ''[Runs across the leafy galleon and jumps off to dive in for Kubo, but a mechanical hand attached to a chain grabs her by the leg and pulls her back onto the deck. She looks up above her as Karasu gently floats down towards the boat holding the chain in her hand]''
:'''Karasu''': Oh how precious. I come here to fish and all I reel in is a wretched ape. It is a shame that this filthy creature is all that's left of my sister's magic.
:'''Monkey''': This filthy creature will tear you APART! ''[Runs to Karasu with a sword in her hands, jumps up and strikes at her who blocks the attack with a sword of her own. Beetle carried Kubo and swim back up on the boat]''
:'''Beetle''': It's the eyes. He looked at the eyes.

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt;
:'''Monkey''': Let me guess, you have questions.
:'''Kubo''': Why did?-
:'''Beetle''': I'll start. First question. If i'm Beetle and you're Monkey, why isn’t he called boy?
:'''Monkey''': Oh boy.

:''[Kubo, Monkey and Beetle were trapped by the mystical smoke. Washi then showed up]''
:'''Monkey''': Release us!
:'''Washi''': Oh sister. I remember how we looked up to you. Such a waste. All we ever wish to be a family in our home amongst the stars.
:'''Monkey''': I think we're from definitions of family.
:''[Washi reached out to Kubo]''
:'''Beetle''': Don't you touch him you witch!
:'''Washi''': And then there's you! The thieving insect who stole my sister's soul.
:'''Monkey''': What?
:'''Washi''': You've been together all this time and you hadn't realized? (''Used the smoke to grab an origami version of Hanzo and she turned him into an origami version of Beetle'') You took her from us. It's the only thing we took from you. How those memories spill from your head up wiping up the recollection on your obscene union Hanzo.
:'''Beetle''': What?
:'''Monkey''': Hanzo?
:''[Kubo is shocked]''
:'''Beetle''': I-I didn't know.
:''[Washi used the smoke to throw Beetle against the wall and crashed]''
:'''Monkey''': No!
:'''Washi''': (''Turned to face Kubo'') I'm forgetting what I came here for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': ''[165 minutes later logo]'' Ready? 3, 2, 1, sing! ''[sings [[The Fox and the Hound|&quot;Best of Friends&quot;]] while strums the strings]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kubo''': If you must blink, do it now.
:''[strums the strings and it lights the lanterns on the water]'' 
:'''Kubo''': I know why you want my eye. Because without it, I can't look into the eyes of another and see their soul. Their love...
:'''Raiden''': Everything you loved is GONE! Everything you knew has been taken from you!
:'''Kubo''': No... it's in the memories. The most powerful kind of magic there is. ''[strums the strings again and summons the spirits from the lanterns, much to the Raiden's anger]''
:'''Kubo''': It makes us stronger than you'll ever be. These are the memories of those we've have loved and lost. And if we hold their stories, deep in our hearts… then you will never take them away from us.
:'''Monkey''': So if you dont eat you'll be weak and if your weak you'll be slow and if your slow you'll die

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|Kubo and the Two Strings}}

[[Category:2016 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films about magic]]</text>
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    <title>My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the seventh season which started on April 15 and ended on October 28, 2017. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

=== Celestial Advice===
:'''Spike''': Are you kidding? You totally deserve it! After all, you... saved Equestria from... Queen Chrysalis! With the help of Trixie and Thorax and Discord and...
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Uh, yeah. I know what happened. I was kinda there. 
:'''Spike''': Uh, right. Uh, so... what are you wearin'? 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Not sure. Why? Am I supposed to dress up? 
:'''Spike''': No! I-I mean, you could. It's like Rarity always says... [imitating Rarity] &quot;There's no such thing as overdressed, darling. You're just the best-looking pony in the room.&quot; [chuckles] 
-------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Starlight, Trixie, Thorax, and Discord were brave in the face of danger, resourceful when things got challenging, and proved that the bonds of friendship, no matter how unlikely, are stronger than any adversity. By stopping Queen Chrysalis, not only did they save Equestria; they set the changelings free from her reign. 
''[zap]''
:'''Discord''': Go, Discord! Yahoo! [laughs] 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': [giggles] 
:'''Princess Celestia''': And that's why we're proud and honored to give them the Equestrian Pink Hearts of Courage! 
-------------------------------------------
:'''Starlight Changeling''': [evil laugh] Hi, I'm Starlight Glimmer! What's your name? 
:'''Cornicle''': Uh, Cornicle? 
:'''Starlight Changeling''': [laughs] What kind of name is that? Ah, your wings are so, um... see-through. I'm so glad I'm a pony. Are you, like, bugs, or what?
-------------------------------------------------
:'''Princess Celestia''': [voiceover] She was truly one of my best students. 
:'''Spike''': [voiceover] Are you talking about Twilight? I can't see what you're thinking about. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': [voiceover] Yes, Spike. I was constantly surprised and impressed with her discoveries. But I noticed that her pursuit of academia was preventing her from reaching her full potential. 
:'''Spike''': [voiceover] You mean it was keeping her isolated and alone? 
:'''Princess Celestia''': [voiceover] Uh, yes, Spike. I had a decision to make. Oh, but it wasn't easy. 
-------------------------------------------------
:'''Princess Celestia''': [voiceover] I knew there was a special group of fillies in Ponyville, but I kept inventing all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't send you. 
----------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': If I could have everypony's attention! As you all know, Starlight Glimmer's been my pupil for a while now, and I'd hoped she'd be my pupil for a long time yet to come. But it turns out that's just not meant to be. 
''[ponies gasp]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Starlight, you have proved yourself to be a kind, loyal, strong, honest, and truly magical friend. Just looking around this room at all the new friendships you've made, I know there's nothing more I need to teach you. So we have a second reason to celebrate today. Three cheers for Starlight Glimmer on her graduation day! 
''[ponies cheering]''
----------------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Starlight, trust me. You're ready.
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Yes. No I'm not.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What are you talking about?
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': I'm not ready to leave!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh, good! 'Cause I'm not ready for that either! Here! I got you this present. It was going to be a &quot;congrats on getting a medal of honor&quot; present, but then I was afraid it would have to be a going-away present, but now it's an &quot;I couldn't be happier you're staying&quot; present! It fits perfectly over your dresser! I know. I measured.
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Thank you.

=== All Bottled Up===
:'''Trixie''': Whoops! I guess I pictured a teacup poodle? Heh. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Trixie! You ruined my teacakes! 
:'''Trixie''': I just got excited! This is the first time I did a transfiguration spell! Real magic! Come on! Be impressed by me! [as Starlight Glimmer] &quot;Yay, Trixie! You're so great at magic and having good hair!&quot;
---------------------------------------------
:'''Trixie''': [giggles] We are gonna have so much more fun than them! 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': [giggles] Shhh! 
:'''Trixie''': Twilight, wait! Starlight has something for you! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Huh? 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': [nervously] Here, I, um, brought you snacks... 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Oh, how... thoughtful, thanks. We will... not get hungry on the train. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': It was supposed to be teacakes, but... [sighs] it's a long story. Have a great time! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You, too!
------------------------------------------------
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': [hyperventilating] No-no-no-no-no-no-no! You made Twilight's friendship map disappear! 
:'''Trixie''': [clears throat] Teleport. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Really?! 
:'''Trixie''': Well, it was behind the apple. It was bound to happen. On the plus side, my magic is getting better! I made a whole table go poof! That was pretty impressive! 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Trixie, we have to get that map back. 
:'''Trixie''': We'll find it. No big deal. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Twilight's never gonna trust me to be alone in this castle again! What were you thinking?! 
:'''Trixie''': Teleport, like you told me to. 
=== A Flurry of Emotions===
:'''Spike''': Should I just cancel our visit to the hospital? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': What?! Cancel?! We can't cancel, Spike! The sick foals are counting on us! And the B.A.E. would never throw in the towel like that! 
:'''Spike''': B.A.E.? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': &quot;Best Aunt Ever&quot;? Besides, this errand is gonna be different. 
:'''Spike''': How do you figure that? 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Because Flurry can play with the Cake twins and stay out of trouble! Best aunt ever! 
--------------------------------------------
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Spike, you watch Flurry. I'll take care of everything else. [quickly, to Pinkie Pie] Hi, Pinkie! How's it going? I need to pick up the cupcakes for the foals at the hospital! And can you do apology treats? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I'm good. Here they are. Of course I can! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Do you still have a giant file on everypony's favorite treat? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': In my secret party planning cave! 
[ding!] 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': BRB! 
[papers rustling] 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Hee-hee! Remind me to tell you later how amazing you are. Cheerilee? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Eh. I am pretty awesome. 
[paper rustling] 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Cherry oatmeal cookies with yellow sprinkles. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Great! Can you write &quot;sorry&quot; on them? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': I've got a stamp for that! 
[stamp] 
:'''Cake Twins''': [arguing baby noises] 
:'''Spike''': Hey, you guys! No need to fight! Uh... hang on! I'm sure there's another one! Ugh, no, not this one... oh, that's cute...

=== Rock Solid Friendship===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': [long high-pitched squeal, rapidly] You're moving to Ponyville! We'll live together and get bunk beds and I'll make us fuzzy slippers that say &quot;Best Sister Friends Forever&quot;, although I probably can't fit all those words on a slipper, so maybe just &quot;BSFF&quot;, but we don't have to decide right now because we'll be together all the time since when it comes to Ponyville, the doctor is in! 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] Slow down, Pinkie Pie. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Yooooouuuuu'rrrrrrrreeeeeeee mmmmmmmmmmooooooooovvvvvvvviiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggg tttttttooooooo Pooooooooooonnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyvvvvvvviiiiiiilllllllleeeeeeeee.... 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] I'm not definitely moving to Ponyville. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Of course you are, silly. You said... [imitating Maud] &quot;There's nothing left to study back home on the rock farm, so I might move to Ponyville.&quot; [inflates, pop] 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] I'm also considering Ghastly Gorge. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': [laughs] Classic Maud sense of humor! You should do stand-up! 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] I do. But that wasn't a joke. 
-----------------------------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Ghastly Gorge may have rocks, but our gem cave rocks! 
[harp glissando] 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Huh? Huh? Oh, and look! You'll never know who you'll see! 
:'''Rarity''': [gasps] Maud, darling! It's lovely to see you again! Oh! Congratulations on your rocktorate. What are you doing now? 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] Talking to you.
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] I found one. 
:'''Rarity''': Oh, you're an absolute darling! This will surely make my gown stand out at Countess Coloratura's album release party. Do you know how rare this is? 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Just another day in Ponyville! 
[ding] 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] That's actually a really common gem. 
:'''Pinkie Pie and Rarity''': Huh? 
[rocks crumbling, gems falling out] 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] These are all really common gems. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''': They are? Uh, I mean, heh, come on! Of course they are! That's why I didn't bring you here to impress you! I wanted to make sure you had a chance to, heh, say &quot;hello&quot; to your old pal... Spike! 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] Hello, Spike. 
-------------------------------------------------------
[rock breaking] 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Psst! Do you know a lot about rocks? 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] Yes. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Have you ever come across some kind of super-powerful stone that can store the cutie mark magic of... I don't know... an entire village? 
:'''Maud Pie''': [deadpan] Yep. In the big cave. 
------------------------------------
:'''Pinkie Pie''': [laughs] Hey, I got an idea. Let's not tell anypony that part where you maybe, for sure, accidentally helped Starlight enslave a town! [laughs, seriously] Tell no pony!

=== Fluttershy Leans In===
:'''Fluttershy''': To get things back on track, I called in a favor from an old friend. He'll be here any minute. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I thought you said no more experts. 
:'''Fluttershy''': This is one expert I know I can trust to put the animals first. Plus there's nopony better at building. 
[knock on door] 

[door opens] 
:'''Big Daddy McColt''': [laughs] I heard somepony needs construction help fer them critters! 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Big Daddy McColt! [to the others] We met each other back when the map called me and Fluttershy to the Smokey Mountains! 
:'''Fluttershy''': And he certainly knows his stuff when it comes to buildings and caring for animals. 
:'''Big Daddy McColt''': Well, shucks. Let's not stand around talkin' about it. Let's build us a sanctuary! 
[everyone cheers]

=== Forever Filly===
:'''Sassy Saddles''': Rarity, did we—? 
:'''Rarity''': Already hemmed, ruched, and cut, my dear. 
:'''Sassy Saddles''': [sighs] Oh. Rarity, no reason to panic, but, um, we seem to be temporarily low! And when I say &quot;temporarily low&quot;, I mean &quot;completely out of&quot;—! 
:'''Rarity''': The baby blue sapphires? They arrived this morning. 
:'''Sassy Saddles''': Oh. Heh. Wonderful. [sighs] Oh! What about the design for the—?! 
:'''Rarity''': And done! 
:'''Sassy Saddles''': Wow. You are good. 
-----------------------------------------
:'''Rarity''': And this is when we pretended we were storybook princesses. And here we pretended we were on a dangerous yet stylish safari. [sobs] So many wonderful memories!
------------------------------------------
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Rarity, what are you doing here? 
:'''Rarity''': I am here to spend the day with you! I'm so excited, I could practically faint! You don't happen to have a fainting couch in here, do you? 
------------------------------------------
:'''Zipporwhill''': It's just hard for me to believe he's not the same adorable little guy I found anymore. 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': I understand. But doing things like you used to won't turn him back into a puppy. 
:'''Zipporwhill''': So... what do I do? 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Treat him like the dog he is, and find new favorite things to do together. 
:'''Zipporwhill''': You think so? 
:'''Rarity''': I know so!
-------------------------------------------
:'''Rarity''': The truth is, I know you're not a little filly anymore. But it's just... the last time we did all of those things together, I... I didn't realize it was gonna be the last last time. I loved doing those things with you. It's hard for me to let that go. 
:'''Sweetie Belle''': Aww, Rarity! I love being with you too! That will never change! But... maybe we could just try to do different things together?

=== Parental Glideance===
'''Windy Whistles:''' ''[Introducing herself to Scootaloo]'' My name's Windy Whistles, and I just have to say that it is a total blast ''[Playfully ruffes Scootaloo's mane, who grins happily]'' to meet somepony that loves Rainbow Dash as much as ''we'' do!

=== Hard to Say Anything===
=== Honest Apple ===
:'''Rarity''': Hello, Strawberry Sunrise. This is Applejack. I was wondering if you could tell her how you feel about apples. 
:'''Strawberry Sunrise''': Don't like 'em. 
:'''Applejack''': What?! Why?! They're crunchy, they're sweet, they're delicious. 
:'''Strawberry Sunrise''': [chuckles] They're not strawberries. [chewing] Mmmm! [gulp] 
:'''Applejack''': You're right! Apples are better than strawberries! 
:'''Strawberry Sunrise''': Only if, by &quot;better&quot;, you mean &quot;better at being disgusting&quot;. 
:'''Applejack''': [stammering] You'd better apologise! 
:'''Strawberry Sunrise''': Oh, I'm sorry... that you actually bite into those tasteless, mealyworm-filled things.

=== A Royal Problem ===

''[After Starlight impulsively switches Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's cutie marks...]''

:'''Princess Celestia''': ''[to Starlight]'' What have you done?!

:'''Starlight Glimmer''': ''[nervously]'' I went with my gut.

:'''Princess Luna''': Switch our cutie marks back this instant!

=== Not Asking for Trouble. + Operation destiny === 


Comanda Bradley: right boys we’re are launching operation destiny soon troops will suppress fire from the panzer division while we attack chrysalis and her team with the element of surprise.
Artillery will help support firepower. Men this fight will count on you if it fails we will lose the battle god knows what happens. God bless you all and good luck. Dismissed. 

Dashound: so gaunson what will you do after the war is over?
Gaunson: first thing I’ll do is see my wife and kid. I miss them ever since I left my wife to take care of my son. I wish there’s something I could have done.
Dashound: I’m sorry to hear this I really hope you can see your wife again. Besides it’s the past we can’t do anything about it.I’m sure you would wanted to do something about it during that time. Besides that let it go its the past it might not seem so easy but you’ll eventually get there. Come we go for a drink i let you think about. 
Gaunson: I will.
[2 hours before the deadline for canterlots defence to prepare for the attack]
:’’’Kurtz:your commander he is not looking so good Greyson. 
Greyson: alright I’ll talk to him later. 
[Dashound salutes Greyson] Dashound: I’ll speak to him if you want me to. 
Greyson: Humm all right. But make sure you back soon. 
[dashound opens the door to the cafeteria to find gaunson depressed and ransacking  the food in the cafeteria food trays and behind the counter]
Dashound: gaunson what are you doing there. Quit that. You know you’re not supposed to be there after dark.
[Gaunson gets off the counter] Gaunson: so what.  [Gaunson sits on the chair and sighs] 
Gaunson: simply nothing I can do about my bad past. You were right about what you said before. It’s not easy when you first feel it. 
Dashound: listen I’m sorry if I made it seem worse but. 
[Greyson walks into the cafeteria] 
Greyson: gaunson it’s not about your  bad past but rather about moving forward and making a better  history for yourself and knowing what’s  right and wrong. Bad mistake in the past are just bad things that happened in the past. But you can move on from them and make a better future. 
Gaunson: you’re right. I should move on from my previous mistakes and my past failures and mistakes. This is just the beginning of it. Thanks my  friend. 
[later at the bar] 
Gaunson: listen up team we got 2 hours till the operation begins. Each of us will split up and wait for the element of surprise. Once the villains try to advance to the front  we’ll come in and flank them and then we attack them one the mean 6 attacks. Artillery will fire at the enemy once they are weakened. Troops will support the attack and suppress fire from landkreuzers divisions. Lone Vanguard  will support us and together with the mean 6 we defeat them. 
Greyson: I like this plan but when do we launch it?
Gaunson: dawn when the villains come out. Good luck and keep your eyes open when the mission strikes. 
Britannia: let’s show them what we tanks are capable of.

=== Discordant Harmony ===
=== The Perfect Pear ===
=== Fame and Misfortune ===
=== Triple Threat ===

=== Campfire Tales ===
=== To Change A Changeling ===
=== Daring Done? ===
:'''Sphinx''': ''[to Somnambula]''
:I shine brightest in the dark
:I am there but cannot be seen
:I am what makes you move forward in uncertain journey
:To have me costs you nothing
:To be without me costs you everything

:'''Somnambula''': ''[solving the riddle]'' Hope!

=== It Isn't The Mane Thing About You ===
=== A Health Of Information ===
=== Marks And Recreation ===
:'''Zecora''': There we go. Now, that wasn't so tough. Fluttershy, tell me, will this be enough?
:'''Fluttershy''': Gee, I don’t know. It’s a pretty big pack. So, maybe enough to fill up this sack? ''[gasps, then laughs]'' You're rubbing off on me, Zecora!
----
:'''Fluttershy''': ...And that's when I realized the Mystical Mask was actually Mage Meadowbrook!
:'''Zecora''': ''(coughs)'' That's marvelous, Fluttershy. I am quite impressed. While you’re gone on your journey, I'll try not to be... worried.
:'''Fluttershy''': Oh, no! Zecora, you didn’t rhyme! You must be getting worse!
:'''Zecora''':  Oh, no, no! No, not at all! Something, something... ball?

=== Once Upon A Zeppelin ===
=== Secrets And Pies ===
=== Uncommon Bond ===
=== Shadow Play - Part 1 ===

=== Shadow Play - Part 2 ===
:'''Star Swirl the Bearded''': If it is wisdom you seek, look no further than your own pupil. She showed me that the power of friendship is a magical force indeed. And that in turning away from others, you hurt yourself as well.

:'''Twilight Sparkle''': It's funny. I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted. But instead, I forgot what I already knew. Good thing I had a student of my own to remind me.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Hulk (film)</title>
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    <id>195473</id>
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      <id>3606981</id>
      <parentid>3580125</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:58:53Z</timestamp>
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[[File:Hulk_Smash_%2883837307%29.jpeg|thumb|You know what scares me the most? Is when it happens, when it comes over me, and I totally lose control... I like it.]]
'''''[[w:Hulk (film)|Hulk]]''''' (2003) is a superhero film based on the fictional Marvel Comics character [[w:Hulk (comics)|The Hulk]] directed by [[Ang Lee]].
:''Directed by [[Ang Lee]]. Written by [[w:Michael France|Michael France]], John Turman and [[w:James Schamus|James Schamus]].''
{{center|'''On June 20th, let it all out.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Dr. Bruce Banner/Hulk==
* ''[from teaser trailer]'' Even now, I can feel it. Buried somewhere deep inside. Watching me. Waiting. But you know what scares me the most? When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... I like it.
* ''[from commercial]'' I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm...becoming. But I know one thing for sure, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
* ''[deleted scene]'' Death is a kind of forgetting. You see, each time a human cell replicates, it loses a little more DNA from the end of its chromosomes. Now, eventually what happens is, it forgets so much that it forgets its function, its ability to cope with trauma, to continue to reproduce. Okay? Whereas life; life has the ability to both retrieve and to act on memory. What makes the nanomeds so extraordinary and continuing our funding worthy, of course is the fact they are life... unbound. It's beautiful, but it's untenable. Part of life is death, is forgetting and unchecked, it's mutatious, it's monstrous. See, the nanomeds remember their instructions too well. Basically, to stay in balance and alive, we must forget as much as we remember.
* I had the most vivid dream. It was like being born, coming up for air, light hitting my face, screaming, my heartbeat was like, BOOM...BOOM...BOOM.
* Puny human.
* You think you can live with it? Take it! '''''TAKE IT ALL!!!!!'''''

==Dr. Betty Ross==
* I hate them.
* Don't. It's not your fault, really. It's just a byproduct of my inexplicable obsession with emotionally distant men. It'll get over us.
* ''[Deleted scene]'' The nanomeds, which are essentially little molecular machines remain inert in the body until we activate them with a burst of gamma radiation. Then, they instantly go to work repairing tissues by breaking down damaged cells and by forcing healthy cells to replicate. The problem we've been having involves managing the energy flux created by such rapid cellular activity and the buildup of waste products from the dismantled cells, which have so far let to catastrophic results. In our next round of experiments, we'll be damaging the cells with drastically higher doses of gamma radiation, resulting in more uniform trauma. We hope in this way to better contain their destructive potential. If we do, if we succeed, we may someday realize our goal of near instantaneous bodily repair.

==Dr. David Banner==
* There's simply no way to shield against every weaponized agent. Instead, I can make super immune systems by strengthening the human cellular response.
* ''[repeated lines]'' My Bruce.
* Your name is not Krenzler. It's Banner. Your name. It's Banner. Bruce Banner. Bruce.
* You must know. You may not want to believe it, but I can see it...in your eyes. So much like your mother's. Of course, you're my flesh and blood. But then, you're something else too, aren't you? My physical son, but the child of my mind, too.
* Don't be sorry. My son is...unique. That's why you can't relate to him. And because he is unique, the world will not tolerate his existence. Will they? But you—you try, don't you? Yes. And a very beautiful woman like you, your attentions...can't be completely unwanted. Can they? No. Not with eyes like yours, watching expectantly, lovingly. But I'm afraid we're both too late to help him. There's nothing I can do for him...or for you. Besides, he's made it clear he wants nothing to do with me. His choice. Now, if you'll excuse me, Miss Ross, I have some work to do. And don't worry about the dogs. You'll be fine. Just don't look 'em in the eyes. Goodbye.
* Fear? Perhaps, Miss Ross. And loneliness, too. Yes...I feel them both. But I have lived...completely once. I was so much in love, and she so much wanted a baby. My baby. I could tell from the moment she conceived that it wasn't a son I had given her but something else. A monster, maybe. I should have put a stop to it right then, but I was curious and that was my downfall. And as I watched this tiny life unfold,  I began to imagine the horror of it and my curiosity was replaced with compassion. But they took away my chance to cure him. Your father threw me out. I remember that day so well, every moment, every sensation, walking into the house, the feeling of the handle of the knife in my hand. I knew I was doing a father's work, fulfilling a father's mercy. But then, she surprised me. It was as if she and the knife merged. You cannot imagine the unbearable finality of it. And in that one moment, I took everything that was dear to me and transformed it into nothing more than a memory.
* &quot;STOP&quot; '''''WHAT!?!''''' &quot;STOP&quot; '''''WHAT!?!?''''' Think about all those men out there, in their uniforms! Barking and swallowing orders! Inflicting their petty rule over the entire globe! Think of all the harm they've done! To you! To me! To humanity! And know this, that we can make them, and their flags, and their anthems, and their governments disappear! In a flash! You and me!
* Oh, that's your answer. And indeed you shall die. And be reborn a hero! Of the kind that walked Earth long before the pale religions of civilization infected humanity's soul!
* Stop your bawling, you weak, little speck of human trash.

==General Ross==
* He is his father's son, every last molecule of him! He says he doesn't know his father, but he's working in the same exact goddamn field his father did!

==Major Glenn Talbot==
* All right, I'll cut to the chase. I've been hearing interesting things about what you guys are doing here. Your little molecular machines have some incredible implications. How would you like to come work for Atheon? Get paid ten times as much as you earn now and own a piece of the patents. You just have to say the word.
* You know, let me give you a little heads-up. There is a hairsbreadth between friendly offer and hostile takeover. I've done my homework. The work you're doing here is dynamite. Think: GIs embedded with technology that makes them instantly repairable on the battlefield in our sole possession. That's a hell of a business.
* You know, someday I'm gonna write a book and I'm gonna call it &quot;When Stupid Ideals Happen To Smart, Penniless Scientists&quot;.
* You know, for me this is a win-win situation. You turn green, and all these guys come in and kill you and I perform the autopsy. You don't, and I mop the floor with you, and maybe by accident go too far and break your neck. Bad science, maybe, but personally gratifying.
* You know, consciously, you may control it, but subconsciously, I bet that's another story.
* Lockdown. ''[Analyst: Didn't you hear what the general said?]'' ''(roaring with fury)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I SAID LOCKDOWN!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

==Dialogue==
:'''Betty Ross''': We're buried out here in the middle of nowhere. How long are you going to keep him sedated?
:'''General Ross''': For the rest of his natural life, if I have to.
:'''Betty Ross''': You said I could trust you.
:'''General Ross''': I'm your father. You can trust me to do what I think is right, not what you think you want.
:'''Betty Ross''': He is a human being.
:'''General Ross''': Well, he is also something else. Suppose he gets out, has one of his little mood swings in a populated area.
:'''Betty Ross''': Yes, I'm aware of the potential danger. I'm also aware that he saved my life.
:'''General Ross''': Yeah, from a mutant French poodle. I'm indebted to him for that. He also put three men in a hospital and Talbot's barely walking! I mean, what do you want me to do?!
:'''Betty Ross''': I want you to help him! Why is he such a threat to you?
:'''General Ross''': Because I know what he comes from! He is his father's son, every last molecule of him! He says he doesn't know his father, but he's working in the same exact goddamn field his father did! So, either he's lying or it's something worse, that he's-
:'''Betty Ross''': What? Predestined to follow on his father's footsteps?
:'''General Ross''': I was going to say &quot;damned&quot;.
:'''Betty Ross''': Of course you were, but I'm a scientist. As a scientist, I believe we can figure this out and he can be helped.
:'''General Ross''': I know you do. Whether you know or care, I've got a lot of pride in what you've done, but this is too big for you.
:'''Betty Ross''': Look, I know the government thinks they have a weapon on their hands, otherwise he'd be dead by now. They can probe and prod all they want. In the meanwhile, just let me try to help him. Nobody knows him better than I do. What did David Banner do to him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Banner''': My dear Miss Ross. Welcome back.
:'''Betty Ross''': There are two guards right outside.
:'''David Banner''': You don't have to worry. I'm not angry with you. Not anymore.
:'''Betty Ross''': What do you want?
:'''David Banner''': It's over for me now. I know that. And soon, it'll be over for Bruce. That's why I've come to you. To ask you if you could persuade your father, as a man, as a father himself, that if I turn myself in now, peacefully and before he puts me away forever, that he would let me see my son for one last time. Could you do that for me?
:'''Betty Ross''': It's out of my father's hands now.
:'''David Banner''': I understand. He's a puppet now. I don't blame him.
:'''Betty Ross''': You shouldn't. You should blame yourself for what you've done to your son.
:'''David Banner''': And what have I done to my son, Miss Ross? Nothing. I tried to improve on the limits in myself. Myself, not him! Can you understand? To improve on nature, ''my'' nature, knowledge of oneself! It's the only path to the truth, that give men the power to go ''beyond God's boundaries''!
:'''Betty Ross''': You know what's beyond your boundaries? Other people. All you've given Bruce is fear. Fear of life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bruce Banner''': I should have killed you.
:'''David Banner''': Yeah? I should have killed you. 
:'''Bruce Banner''': I wish you had. I saw her last night. Saw her face. Brown hair, brown eyes. She smiled at me. She reached down and kissed my cheek. I can almost remember a smell. It was like desert flowers.
:'''David Banner''': Her favorite perfume.
:'''Bruce Banner''': It was my mother, and I don't even know her name.
:'''David Banner''': It's alright, son. Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and cry. Cry. Crying will do you good.
:'''Bruce Banner''': '''''Don't touch me!''''' Maybe, once, you're my father. But, you're not now and you never will be.
:'''David Banner''': Oh, is that so? Well, I've got news for you. I didn't come here to see you. I came here to see my son. My ''real'' son. The one inside of you. You're nothing but a superficial shell, a husk of flimsy consciousness ready to be torn off at a moment's notice.
:'''Bruce Banner''': You can think what you like! I don't care, just go!
:'''David Banner''': No, son. Listen to me. I found a cure...for me. My cells can transform, too. Absorb enormous amounts of energy. But, unlike you, they're unstable. Son, I need your strength. I gave you life, now you must give it back to me! Only a million times more radiant, more powerful!
:'''Bruce Banner''': '''''Stop!'''''
:'''David Banner''': '''&quot;STOP&quot; ''WHAT?!''''' '''&quot;STOP&quot; ''WHAT?!?!''''' Think about all those men out there, in their uniforms! Barking and swallowing orders! Inflicting their petty rule over the entire globe! Think of all the harm they've done! To you! To me! To humanity! And know this, that we can make them, and their flags, and their anthems, and their governments disappear! In a flash! You and me!
:'''Bruce Banner''': I'd rather ''DIE!''
:'''David Banner''': Oh, that's your answer. And indeed you shall die. And be reborn a hero! Of the kind that walked the Earth long before the pale religions of civilization infected humanity's soul!
:'''Bruce Banner''': ''''''''GO!!!''''''''
:'''David Banner''': Stop your bawling, you weak little speck of human trash. ''[stands up and grabs the cable]'' I'll go! You just watch me go!
:'''General Ross''': Hit it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Bruce Banner:''' ''[in Spanish]'' We need these medicines for the people who live here.
:'''Mugger:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Who are you to decide what the people need? These people are helping our enemies. And maybe you are too. Take all this. It is the property of the government!
:'''Bruce Banner:''' ''[in Spanish; threateningly]'' You're making me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
:''[Camera zooms out from Bruce's green eyes, fades to green as Hulk's roar is heard, then the screen fades to black, and the credits roll]''

== Taglines==
*Unleash the hero within.
*Unleash the fury!
*Rage. Power. Freedom.

== Cast==
* [[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Dr. [[w:Hulk (comics)|Bruce Banner / Hulk]]
* [[w:Jennifer Connelly|Jennifer Connelly]] - [[w:Betty Ross|Betty Ross]]
* [[w:Sam Elliott|Sam Elliott]] - Gen. [[w:Thunderbolt Ross|Thunderbolt Ross]]
* [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]] - David Banner
* [[Josh Lucas]] - Colonel Talbot

== Quotes about the Hulk film==
* Well, my own feeling is that in the first two (Hulk films), they made him too powerful. I never conceived of him that way, and I didn't think it was necessary for him to be that big. I thought he could’ve been seven and a half feet tall. That's quite enough.
** [[Stan Lee]] [http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Why-Hulk-Movies-Didn-t-Work-According-Stan-Lee-71208.html Why Hulk Movies Didn't Work According to Stan Lee], ''Cinemablend''

==External links==
{{Sister project links|w=Hulk (film)|wikt=no|b=no|s=no|commons=no|n=no|v=no|species=no|d=Q696042|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}}
*{{imdb title|id=0286716|title=Hulk}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hulk}}
[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Psychological drama films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Genetic engineering in films]]
[[Category:Hulk (comics) films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by James Schamus]]
[[Category:Films directed by Ang Lee]]
[[Category:Films about shapeshifting]]
[[Category:Cult films]]</text>
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    <title>Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2</title>
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    <id>195518</id>
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      <id>3606979</id>
      <parentid>3572618</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:53:47Z</timestamp>
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'''''[[w:Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2|Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017]] American superhero film, a sequel to [[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|the 2014 film]], both based on the Marvel Comics superhero team ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy]].''
: ''Written and directed by [[w:James Gunn (filmmaker)|James Gunn]].''

{{center|'''You only get one chance to save the galaxy twice.'''}}

== Nebula ==
* You were the one who wanted to win, '''''AND I JUST WANTED A SISTER!!!'''''

== Stan Lee cameo ==
* Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted... at that time, I was a Federal Express man...

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ayesha:''' We thank you, Guardians, for putting your lives on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable: Both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny germinating them in birthing pods.
:'''Quill:''' Well, I guess I prefer to make people the old-fashioned way.
:'''Ayesha:''' Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors. For academic purposes.
:'''Quill:''' I would be honored, yes. In the name of research, I think that could be pretty…repulsive. I'm not into that kind of casual.
:'''Gamora:''' Oh, please. Your people promised something in exchange for our services. Bring it, and we shall gladly be on our way.
:[''The Sovereign guards bring a hooded figure into the courtroom. They pull back the hood to reveal Nebula'']
:'''Quill:''' Family reunion. Yaaaay.
:'''Ayesha:''' I understand that she is your sister?
:'''Gamora:''' She's worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar.
:'''Ayesha:''' Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you please.
:'''Quill:''' We thank you, High Priestess Ayesha.
:'''Ayesha:''' What's your heritage, Mr. Quill?
:'''Quill:''' My mother is from Earth.
:'''Ayesha:''' And your father?
:'''Quill:''' He ain't from Missouri. That's all I know.
:'''Ayesha:''' I see it within you. An unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly…reckless.
:'''Rocket:''' You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn't true at all! [''Rocket flashes a wink at Quill. Sovereign guards gasp and one of them aims his weapon at Rocket''] Oh, shit, I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? [''Drax pulls him up from his scruff''] I'm sorry, that was meant to be behind your back.
:'''Drax:''' [''Putting Rocket down''] Count yourself blessed they didn't kill you.
:'''Rocket:''' You're tellin' me. [''Shows Drax his stolen Anulax batteries''] You wanna buy some batteries? [''Drax laughs'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quill''': This is weird. We have a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.
:'''Gamora''': Why would they do that?
:'''Drax''': Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.
:'''Rocket''': Dude!
:'''Drax''': [''Awkwardly''] Right... He didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is. [''The Sovereign fleet open fire'']
:'''Quill''': What were you thinking?!
:'''Rocket''': Dude, they were really easy to steal.
:'''Gamora''': ''That's'' your defense?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket''': Quill, when you go to bed tonight there's gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase and you're gonna be like &quot;What's this?&quot; and it's gonna be because I put a turd in there!
:'''Quill''': You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
:'''Rocket''': Oh, it won't be my turd, it'll be Drax's!
:'''Drax''': [''Laughs''] I have ''famously'' huge turds!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket''': You know why I did it Star-Munch? Hmm?
:'''Quill''': I'm not gonna answer to &quot;Star-Munch.&quot;
:'''Rocket''': I did it because I wanted to.
:'''Quill''': Dick.
:'''Rocket''': What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
:'''Drax''': How little?
:'''Rocket''': Well, I don't know, like this? (he holds his fingers about an inch apart)
:'''Gamora:''' A little one-inch man saved us?
:'''Rocket:''' Well, if he got closer, I’m sure he would be much larger.
:'''Quill:''' It’s how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
:'''Rocket:''' '''''DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!'''''
:'''Quill:''' I’m sorry, I took it too far. I meant ''Trash Panda''.
:'''Rocket:''' [''Genuinely curious''] Is that better?
:'''Drax:''' I don’t know.
:'''Quill:''' [''Chuckling''] It’s worse. It’s so much worse.
:'''Rocket:''' '''''YOU SON OF A--!''''' [''Lunges at Quill'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yondu''': Stakar. It's been some time.
:'''Stakar Ogord''': [''Disdainfully''] It seems like this establishment is the ''wrong'' kind of disreputable. [''He and his crew start to leave'']
:'''Innkeeper's Wife''': Sir!
:'''Yondu''': Stakar!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': There’s a hundred Ravager factions. You lost the business of 99 of them by serving one.
:'''Innkeeper's Wife''': Please, sir. Please!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': [''Pushing her away''] Get away from me.
:'''Yondu''': [''Shouting after him''] '''''YOU CAN GO TO HELL, THEN!''''' I don't give a damn what you think of me!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': So what are you following us for?!
:'''Yondu''': Because you're gonna listen to what I gotta say!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': I don't gotta listen to nothing! You betrayed the code! Ravagers don't deal in kids!
:'''Yondu''': I told you before! I didn't know what was going on!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': You didn't know 'cause you didn't ''want'' to know, 'cause it made you rich!
:'''Yondu''': [''Desperately''] I ''demand'' a seat at the table! I wear these flames, same as you!
:'''Stakar Ogord''': You may dress like us, but you'll never hear the hordes of freedom when you die, Yondu, and the colours of Ogord will never flash over your grave. [''In a quieter, more sad tone''] If you think I take pleasure in exiling you, you're wrong. You broke all our hearts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Ego the Living Planet|Ego]]:''' I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
:'''Quill:''' I'll tell ya why: I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't, made it easier for thieving.
:'''Ego:''' Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
:'''Drax:''' I thought Yondu was your father.
:'''Quill:''' What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
:'''Drax:''' [''Mouthful''] You look exactly alike!
:'''Rocket''': One's ''blue!''
:'''Quill:''' No, he's not my father! Yondu was the guy who abducted me, kicked the crap out of me so I could learn to fight and kept me in terror by threatening to eat me.
:'''Ego:''' Eat you?!
:'''Quill:''' Yeah!
:'''Ego:''' Oh, that son of a bitch!
:'''Gamora:''' How'd you locate us now?
:'''Ego:''' Well, even where I reside, out past the edge of what's known, we've heard tell about the man they call &quot;Star-Lord.&quot; What say we head out there right now? Your associates are welcome. Even that triangle-faced monkey (Rocket) there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quill:''' Give me a break! After all this time, you're gonna show up, and all of a sudden you wanna be my dad?
:'''Gamora:''' I hear you.
:'''Quill:''' And by the way, this could be a trap. The Kree purists, the Ravagers, they all want us dead.
:'''Gamora:''' I know, but…
:'''Quill:''' But what?
:'''Gamora:''' What was that story you once told me about Zardu Hasselfrau?
:'''Quill:''' Who?
:'''Gamora:''' He owned a magic boat?
:'''Quill:''' [''Long pause''] [[w:David Hasselhoff|David Hasselhoff]]? Not a magic boat. A talking car.
:'''Gamora:''' Why did he talk again?
:'''Quill:''' To help him fight crime, and to be supportive!
:'''Gamora:''' As a child, you would carry his picture in your pocket and you would tell all the other children that he was your father, but that he was out of town on business.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quill:''' Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
:'''Mantis:''' [''Shocked''] No! No one has ever asked me a personal question!
:'''Quill:''' Your antennae, what are they for?
:'''Mantis:''' Their purpose?
:'''Drax:''' Yes. Quill and I have a bet. 
:'''Quill:''' Dude, you're not supposed to say that…
:'''Drax:''' I say: if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antenna will feel this and keep you from being decapitated. 
:'''Quill:''' Right. And, if it's anything other than ''specifically being decapitated by a doorway'', I win. 
:'''Mantis:''' They are not for feeling doorways! [''Drax groans, and Quill pulls a victory fist''] I think they have something to do with my emphatic abilities.
:'''Gamora:''' What are those?
:'''Mantis:''' If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
:'''Quill:''' You read minds?
:'''Mantis:''' No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings, emotions. May I?
:'''Quill:''' Alright.
:'''Mantis:''' [''Touches Quill's hand''] You feel…love!
:'''Quill:''' Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody around me…
:'''Mantis:''' No. Romantic, sexual love.
:'''Quill:''' No. No, I don't.
:'''Mantis:''' For her! [''Points at Gamora'']
:'''Quill:''' Nooo, that is not....
:[''Beat as Gamora and Drax both stare at Quill'']
:'''Quill:''' [''Drax bursts into uproariously loud laughter''] Okay. That's--
:'''Drax:''' She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
:'''Quill:''' Dude, come on, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
:'''Drax:''' You must be so '''''embarrassed!''' [To Mantis]'' Do me! Do me, do me! 
:'''Mantis:''' [''Touches Drax's chest and immediately starts laughing with him''] I have never felt such humor!
:'''Quill:''' So ''unbelievably'' uncool.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ego:''' Welcome everyone, to my world.
:'''Quill:''' Wow, you have your own planet?
:'''Ego:''' Come on, no larger than your Earth Moon.
:'''Drax:''' Humility. I like it. I, too, am extraordinarily humble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ego:''' Over millions of years, I learned to control the molecules around me. I grew smarter and stronger, and I continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now. But I wanted more. I desired meaning. There must be some life out there in the universe. Besides me, I thought. So, I set myself the task of finding it. I created what I thought biological life to be like, down to the most minute detail.
:'''Drax:''' Did you make a penis?
:'''Quill:''' ''Dude!''
:'''Gamora:''' What is ''wrong'' with you?
:'''Drax:''' If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her!
:'''Quill:''' I don't need to hear how my parents, uh…
:'''Drax:''' Why? My father would tell the story of him impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
:'''Quill:''' That's disgusting.
:'''Drax:''' [''Affronted''] It was beautiful! You Earthers have hang-ups.
:'''Ego:''' Yes, Drax, [[w:Human penis|I got a penis]].
:'''Drax:''' Ha! Thank you.
:'''Ego:''' And it's not half-bad.
:[''Drax interestingly stares at Ego's groin'']
:'''Drax:''' Ahhh.
:[''Quill and Gamora look beyond grossed out'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Taserface:''' It's time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory, with a new captain: '''''TASERFACE!!!'''''
:''[He and the mutinous Ravagers cheer, but stop when they hear Rocket laughing]''
:'''Rocket:''' I-I-I'm sorry, I'm-... Your name is... it's Taserface?
:'''Taserface:''' That's right.
:'''Rocket:''' Do you... shoot tasers outta your face?
:'''Taserface:''' ''[extravagantly]'' '''''IT'S METAPHORICAL!'''''
:'''Ravagers:''' ''[cheer enthusiastically]''
:'''Rocket:''' ''[genuinely curious]'' For what?
:'''Taserface:''' For... It is a name...what strikes fear into the hearts of anyone what hears it!
:'''Ravagers:''' ''[half-hearted sounds of agreement]''
:'''Rocket:''' Uhh, okay. Whatever you say.
:'''Taserface:''' ''[pulls out his knife]'' You shut up. You're next. ''[Taserface turns and puts his knife to Yondu's throat]'' Udonta, I have waited a long time to-
:'''Rocket:''' ''[begins loudly sniggering]''          
:'''Taserface:''' ''[irritated]'' '''WHAT?!'''                 
:'''Rocket:''' ''[trying to suppress his laughter]'' I'm sorry! I am ''so'' sorry! I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, sir, looking in the mirror, and in all seriousness saying to yourself, ''[gruff voice]''&quot;Y'know what would be a REALLY kickass name?! '''''TASERFACE!!!'''''&quot; ''[normal]'' That's how I hear you in my head! What was your second choice?! '''''&quot;SCROTUMHAT?!&quot;'''''
:''[Everyone breaks out laughing, much to Taserface’s annoyance]''
:'''Taserface:''' ''[puts his knife to Rocket's throat]'' New plan: we're killing you first!
:'''Rocket:''' Well, dying is certainly better than having to live an entire life as a moronic shitbag who thinks &quot;Taserface&quot; is a cool name!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket:''' No offense, but your employees are a bunch of jerks.
:'''Yondu:''' ''[quietly, ashamed]'' I was a Kree battle slave for twenty years when Stakar freed me. He offered me a place with the Ravagers. Said all I needed to do was adhere to the code. But I was young, and greedy, and ''stupid.'' Like you stealing those batteries.
:'''Rocket:''' That was mostly Drax.
:'''Yondu:''' Me and Stakar, and the other captains... we weren't so different from you and your friends. The only family I ever had. When I broke the code... they exiled me. This is what I deserve.
:'''Rocket:''' Slow down, drama queen. You might deserve this, but I don't. We gotta get out of here.
:'''Yondu:''' Where's Quill?
:'''Rocket:''' Eh, he went off with his old man.
:'''Yondu:''' ''[looking concerned]'' Ego?
:'''Rocket:''' Yeah. It's a day for dumbass names.
:''[Yondu chuckles]''
:'''Rocket:''' You're smiling! And for a second, I got a warm feeling, but then it was ruined by those disgusting-ass teeth.
:'''Yondu:''' You like a professional asshole, or what?
:'''Rocket:''' Pretty much a pro. Why didn't you deliver Quill to Ego, like you promised?
:'''Yondu:''' He was skinny. Could fit into places we couldn't. Good for thievin'.
:'''Rocket:''' ''[not particularly convinced]'' Uh-huh?
:'''Yondu:''' I have a plan to get out of here. But we're gonna need your little friend.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yondu:''' [''To Groot''] Pst! Hey, twig! Come'ere!
:'''Rocket:''' Oh, man, what did they do to you?
:'''Yondu:''' Hey, you want to help us get out of here? [''Groot nods''] There's something I need you to get, and bring back to me. In the Captain's quarters, there's a prototype fin. The thing I wore on my head. There's a drawer next to the bunk. It's in that. It's red. You got it?
:[''Groot nods and runs off excitedly. He returns with Yondu's underwear'']
:'''Yondu:''' That's my underwear.
:'''Rocket:''' Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn't know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more carefully.
:'''Yondu:''' [''Sighs''] It's a prototype fin.
:[''Groot returns with a squirming Orloni'']
:'''Rocket:''' That's an Orloni. It's a fin, Groot!
:'''Yondu:''' [''Sighs''] You explain it this time.
:'''Rocket:''' Alright…
:[''Groot returns again with Vorker's prosthetic eye'']
:'''Yondu:''' That's Vorker's eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go, look again.
:'''Rocket:''' But leave the eye here.
:'''Yondu:''' Why?
:'''Rocket:''' [''Trying not to laugh''] He's gonna wake up tomorrow, and he's not gonna know where his EYE IS!
:[''Groot returns again dragging a giant metal desk'']
:'''Rocket:''' That's a desk. We told you it was ''this'' big!
:[''Groot returns, holding a severed human toe'']
:'''Rocket:''' ... Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes. [''Yondu shakes his head''] Okay, then let's just agree never to discuss this.
:'''Yondu:''' [''Hands Groot his ravager badge''] The drawer you want to open has this symbol on it, alright?
:[''Groot slowly puts the badge on his head'']
:'''Yondu:''' WHAT?! NO!
:'''Rocket:''' He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat. 
:'''Yondu:''' That is NOT what I said!
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot.
:'''Rocket:''' He's relieved you don't want him to.
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot.
:'''Rocket:''' He hates hats.
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot.
:'''Rocket:''' On anyone, not just himself.
:'''Groot:''' ''I am Groot.''
:'''Rocket:''' One minute, you think someone has a weird shaped head, and then the next minute, it's just because you realize part of that head is the hat! [''To Groot''] ''That's'' why you don't like hats?! [''Groot nods'']
:'''Yondu:''' This is an important conversation right now?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quill:''' So, I guess this could all be mine someday.
:'''Gamora:''' Rocket? Rocket, are you there? [''No call, but static on a caller, while she tries to get better signal, Quill touches her''] What are you doing, Peter?
:'''Quill:''' Dance with me.
:'''Gamora:''' I'm not going to dance with you.
:'''Quill:''' This is [[Sam Cooke]], one of the greatest earth singers of all time. [''They are dancing''] Drax thinks you're not a dancer.
:'''Gamora:''' If you ever tell anyone about this, I will kill you.
:'''Quill:''' When are we gonna do something about this unspoken thing between us?
:'''Gamora:''' What unspoken thing?
:'''Quill:''' This ''[[Cheers]]'', [[w:Sam and Diane|Sam and Diane]], a guy and a girl on a TV show who dig each other, but never say it because if they do, the ratings would go down sort of thing.
:'''Gamora:''' There's no unspoken thing.
:'''Quill:''' Well, it's a catch-22 because if you said it, then it would be spoken and you would be a liar. So, by not saying it you are telling the truth and admitting that there is.
:'''Gamora:''' No, that's not what I… [''They stop dancing''] What we should be discussing right now is something about this place. It doesn't feel right.
:'''Quill:''' What are you talking about? You're the one who wanted me to come here!
:'''Gamora:''' That girl Mantis; she's afraid of something.
:'''Quill:''' Why are you trying to take this away from me?
:'''Gamora:''' I'm not trying.
:'''Quill:''' He's my father. He's blood.
:'''Gamora:''' You have blood on Earth and you never wanted to return there.
:'''Quill:''' Again, you made me come here! And Earth is the place where my mother died right in front of me.
:'''Gamora:''' No, it's because that place is real, and this is a fantasy.
:'''Quill:''' This is real! I'm only half-human, remember?
:'''Gamora:''' That's the half I'm worried about.
:'''Quill:''' Oh, I get it. You're jealous because I'm part-god, and you like when I'm the weak one.
:'''Gamora:''' You were insufferable to begin with. I haven't been able to reach Rocket. I'm gonna go outside and I'm gonna try and get a signal.
:'''Quill:''' You know what? This is not ''Cheers'' after all! This is whatever the show is where one person is willing to open themselves up to new possibility, and the other person is a jerk who doesn't trust anybody! It's a show that doesn't exist! That's why it would get ''zero ratings!''
:'''Gamora:''' I don't know what ''Cheers'' is!
:'''Quill:''' I finally found my family. Don't you understand that?
:'''Gamora:''' I thought you already had. [''Leaves'']	
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gamora:''' [''After saving Nebula, only to be a stranglehold''] Are you kidding me?!
:'''Nebula:''' [''Fights Gamora and chokes her while holding out the Godslayer, but ultimately doesn't kill her''] I win. I win. I bested you in combat.
:'''Gamora:''' No. I saved your life.
:'''Nebula:''' Well, you were stupid enough to let me live.
:'''Gamora:''' You let me live.
:'''Nebula:''' I don't need you always trying to beat me!
:'''Gamora:''' I'm not the one who just flew across the universe, just because I wanted to win.
:'''Nebula:''' Do not tell me what I want.
:'''Gamora:''' I don't need to tell you what you want, it's obvious!
:'''Nebula:''' You're the one who wanted to win, and I just wanted a ''sister!'' You were all I had. But you were the one who ''needed to win''. [[Thanos]] pulled my eye from my head, and my brain from my skull, and my arm from my body. Because of ''you''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ego:''' Death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
:'''Quill:''' I'm immortal?
:'''Ego:''' Mmhmm.
:'''Quill:''' Really?
:'''Ego:''' Yes! As long as the light exists.
:'''Quill:''' Like, I could use the light to build cool things, like how you made this whole planet?
:'''Ego:''' Well, it might take a few million years of practice before you get really good at it. But yes!
:'''Quill:''' What? Well, get ready for a eight hundred-foot statue of [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] with [[w:Skeletor|Skeletor]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]]…
:'''Ego:''' Whatever you want.
:'''Quill:''' ''I'm gonna make some weird shit.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mantis:''' [''Shaking Drax awake''] Drax, Drax. Drax! Drax! We need to talk!
:'''Drax:''' I'm sorry. But I like a woman with some meat on her bones. 
:'''Mantis:''' [''Confused''] What?
:'''Drax:''' [''With complete sincerity''] I tried to let you down easily by telling you that you were disgusting.
:'''Mantis:''' [''Drax starts retching''] What are you doing?
:'''Drax:''' Ugh, I'm imagining…being with you physically.
:'''Mantis:''' Drax, I don't like you like that. I don't even mate with the type of thing you are.
:'''Drax:''' Hey! There's no need to get personal. 
:'''Mantis:''' Listen! Ego has gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier. I am stupid! You are in danger!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Gamora grabs Mantis by the neck and slams her against a wall'']
:'''Drax''': Hey!
:'''Gamora''': Who are you people?! What is this place?!
:'''Drax''': What is she doing here?
:'''Nebula''': Just watching the fireworks.
:'''Drax''': Gamora, let her go!
:'''Gamora''': The bodies in the caverns, who are they?!
:'''Mantis''': You are scared. [''Gamora lets go of Mantis's neck'']
:'''Gamora''': We need to find Peter now and get off this damn planet.
:'''Mantis''': Ego will have won him to his side by now. He has a way of -
:'''Nebula''': Then we just go.
:'''Gamora''': No. He’s our friend.
:'''Nebula''': All any of you do is yell at each other. You’re not friends.
:'''Drax''': You’re right. We’re family. We leave no one behind. [''To Nebula''] Except maybe you.
:'''Gamora''': What did she do to me?!
:'''Drax''': She already told me everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ego''': I call it the Expansion. It is mypurpose. And now it’s yours aswell.
:'''Quill''': It’s beautiful.
:'''Ego''': Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. In the dioramas, the cosmic plants overgrow and cover each of the planets, like chocolate on a malt ball needed to fulfill life’s one true purpose: to grow and to spread, covering all that exists, until everything... is me. I only had one problem. A single Celestial doesn’t have enough power for such an enterprise. But two Celestials - well now, that just might do. For the first time in my existence... I am truly '''''NOT ALONE!''''' [''Turns to see Peter looking doubtful''] What is it, son?
:'''Quill''': My friends...
:'''Ego''': Now, well, you see, that's the mortal in you, Peter. 
:'''Quill''': Yes...
:'''Ego''': We are beyond such things.
:'''Quill''': Yes...
:'''Ego''': Now--
:'''Quill''': But my mother... you said you loved my mother.
:'''Ego''': And that I did. My River Lily, who knew all the words to every song that came over the radio. I returned to Earth to see her three times, and I knew if I returned a fourth, well... I'd never leave. The Expansion... the reason for my very existence would be over, so I did what I had to do. But... it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.
:'''Quill''': [''Outraged, shaking off Ego's influence''] '''What?!'''
:'''Ego''': Now, now, all right, I ''know'' that sounds ''bad''-- 
:[''Quill repeatedly shoots Ego's avatar with his Quad Blasters, leaving several holes'']
:'''Ego''': [''Reforming''] Who... in the ''HELL'' do you think you are?!
:'''Quill''': '''''YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!'''''
:'''Ego''': [''Changes into David Hasselhoff''] I tried ''so hard'' to find the form that best ''suited'' you, and this is the thanks I get?! [''Changes back''] You ''really'' need to grow up! [''Pierces Quill with a tendril of energy''] I wanted to do this together, but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a ''BATTERY!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After doing 700 jumps through hyperspace to reach Ego]''
:'''Yondu''': WHAT THE HELL YOU ''DOING'', BOY?!
:'''Rocket''': I could tell by how you talked about him this Ego's bad news! We’re here to save Quill!
:'''Yondu''': For what? Huh?! For honor? For ''love?''
:'''Rocket''': No! I don’t care about those things! I wanna save Quill so I can prove I'm better than him! I can lord this over him forever!
:''[Yondu laughs in response]''
:'''Rocket''': What are you laughing at me for?
:'''Yondu''': You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
:'''Rocket''': You don't know anything about me, loser!
:'''Yondu''': I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest and the hardest, but actually, you're the most scared of all.
:'''Rocket''': Shut up!
:'''Yondu''': I know you steal batteries you don't need, and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you, 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is.
:'''Rocket''': I said shut up!
:'''Yondu''': I know them scientists what made you, never gave a rat's ass about you!
:'''Rocket''': I'm ''serious,'' dude!
:'''Yondu''': Just like my own damn parents, who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy! Because you're ''me.''
:'''Rocket''': ...What kind of a pair are we?
:'''Yondu''': The kind that's about to go fight a planet, I reckon.
:'''Rocket''': All right, okay! Good, that's-- Wait. Fight a ''what?''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket:''' You people have issues.
:'''Quill:''' Well, of course I have issues! [''Points at a reforming, screaming Ego''] ''&lt;big&gt;'''THAT'S MY FREAKING FATHER!'''&lt;/big&gt;''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket:''' [''Walking Groot through atomic bomb detonation''] Alright, first you flip this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push ''this'' button, which will give you 5 minutes to get outta there. [''Groot stares blankly''] Now, whatever you do, don't push ''this'' button. ''(Why?)'' Because that'll set off the bomb immediately, and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;I flip the first switch.&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;Then the second one.&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' That's right.
:'''Groot:''' [''Points to the death button''] I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;And then... this button, right?&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' &lt;big&gt;No!&lt;/big&gt; No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
:'''Groot:''' Hmm. I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;I do the first switch.&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' Mm-hmm.
:'''Groot:''' I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;Then the second.&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Groot:''' [''Points at the death button… again''] I am Groot. [''Translating; &quot;Then... this button?&quot;'']
:'''Rocket:''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''No!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; That's exactly what you just said! How's that even possible? Which button is the one you're supposed to push? Point to it. [''Groot points at death button... once again''] &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''No!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Quill:''' [''From skylight''] Hey, you're making him nervous!
:'''Rocket:''' Shut up, and give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
:'''Quill:''' I don't have any tape. Lemme check. [''Jetpacks away''] Yo, Yondu! Do you have any- Ow! Do you have any tape? [''Groans in pain''] Gamora, do ''you'' have any tape? ''Tape!'' Oh, never mind. Sorry. Ow! Drax, do ''you'' have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work. Then why would you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any?! [''Reappears''] Nobody has any tape!
:'''Rocket:''' Not a ''single'' person has tape?!
:'''Quill:''' Nope!
:'''Rocket:''' Did you ask Nebula?
:'''Quill:''' [''Thinks''] Yes!
:'''Rocket:''' Are you sure?!
:'''Quill:''' I asked Yondu, and she was standing right next to him!
:'''Rocket:''' '''I knew you were lying!'''
:'''Quill:''' You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anybody's gonna have tape, it's ''you''!
:'''Rocket:''' ''That's exactly my point!'' I have to do everything!
:'''Quill:''' You are wasting a lot of time here!
:[''As Groot grabs the bomb and runs to Ego's core'']
:'''Rocket:''' We're all gonna die.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Quill:''' [''Yondu floats in the air hanging on his arrow''] You look like [[Mary Poppins]]!
:'''Yondu:''' Is he cool?
:'''Quill:''' [''Grins''] Hell, yeah, he was cool.
:'''Yondu:''' '''''I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''After saving Peter Quill from the destroyed Ego.'']
:'''Yondu''': He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy. I'm sorry I didn't do none of it right. I'm damn lucky you were my boy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gamora:''' Nebula, I was a child like you, trying to live day by day, not knowing or understanding what that meant to you. There are many other girls out there, like us. You can stay with us, and help them.
:'''Nebula:''' I will help them, by killing Thanos.
:'''Gamora:''' I don't know if that's possible. 
:[''Nebula goes to leave, only for Gamora to stop her from doing so. Nebula gets ready to fight, only to stop once she realizes that's not what Gamora's trying to do''] 
:'''Gamora:''' You will ''always'' be my sister. 
:[''Gamora embraces Nebula in a hug. She stiffens up at first, then eventually hugs Gamora back, before finally departing'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''At Yondu's funeral'']
:'''Martinex''': He didn't let us down after all, Captain?
:'''Stakar Ogord''': No, he did not, son. He did not.
:'''Charlie-27''': Fare thee well, old friend.
:'''Aleta Ogord''': Yondu Odonta, I will see you in the stars.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rocket:''' [''About Yondu''] He didn't chase them away.
:'''Quill:''' No.
:'''Rocket:''' [''On Yondu's former Ravager teammates''] Even though he yelled at them, he was always mean, and stole batteries he didn't need. [''Bows head in shame'']
:'''Quill:''' [''Looks down at Rocket''] Well, of course not. 
:[''Gamora looks up at him, who looks back down at her curiously''] 
:'''Quill:''' What?
:'''Gamora:''' It's just…some unspoken thing. 
:[''Quill gives her a small and smug &quot;I told you so&quot; smirk. She wraps her arm around his waist as he wraps his arm around her shoulders'']
:'''Mantis:''' It's beautiful.
:'''Drax:''' It is. And so are you: on the inside.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Mid-credits scene 1: After Yondu's funeral, Stakar Ogord and [[w:Guardians of the Galaxy (1969 team)|some of his old friends]] from the Ravagers reunite'']
:'''Stakar Ogord''': You know, it's a shame that it took the tragedy of losing Yondu to bring us all together again. But I think he would be proud knowing that we're back as a team.
:'''Charlie-27''': I'm in.
:'''Martinex''': Dope.
:'''Mainframe''': I missed you guys so much!
:'''Aleta Ogord''': Hell. Yes.
:[''Another Ravager, [[w:Krugarr|Krugarr]], fabricates 2 thumbs up'']
:'''Stakar Ogord''': What say we go steal some shit?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Mid-credits scene 2ː Ayesha is in her chamber, viewing her creation, when her chambermaid walks in'']
:'''Chambermaid''': High Priestess, the Council is waiting.
:'''Ayesha''': They are perturbed I’ve wasted our resources. When they see what I have created here… their wrath will dissipate.
:'''Chambermaid''': It’s a new type of birthing pod, ma’am?
:'''Ayesha''': That, my child… is the next step in our evolution. More powerful, more beautiful… more capable of ''destroying'' the Guardians of the Galaxy. [''We see an advanced birth pod''] I think I shall call him... Adam.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Mid-credits scene 3ː Quill walks into Groot's room, who is playing a video game, and sees that vines are all over the place'']
:'''Quill''': Ugh, dude. Seriously? You gotta clean up your room. It’s a complete mess.
:'''Groot''': I am Groot…
:'''Quill''': I am not boring. You’re boring. You know what’s boring? Sitting there, playing that mind-numbing game. What’s boring is me tripping over your vines every day! I’m not boring!
:'''Groot''': I am Groot.
:'''Quill''': And now I know how Yondu felt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Post-credits scene: The Watchers listen to their informant, only to walk away''] 
:'''[[Stan Lee|Watcher Informant]]''': Hey, fellas. Wait, where are you going? You were supposed to be my lift home. How will I get out of here? Hey! Aw, gee… I’ve got so many more stories to tell. Aw, guys. Oh, gee…

== Taglines ==
* This summer, the galaxy won't save itself.
* Obviously.
* Anyone can save the galaxy once.
* You only get one chance to save the galaxy twice.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] as [[w:Star-Lord|Peter Quill / Star-Lord]]
* [[Zoe Saldana]] as [[w:Gamora|Gamora]]
* [[Dave Bautista]] as [[w:Drax the Destroyer|Drax]]
* [[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] as [[w:Groot|Baby Groot]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Bradley Cooper|Bradley Cooper]] as [[w:Rocket Raccoon|Rocket]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Michael Rooker|Michael Rooker]] as [[w:Yondu|Yondu Udonta]]
* [[Karen Gillan]] as [[w:Nebula (comics)|Nebula]]
* [[w:Pom Klementieff|Pom Klementieff]] as [[w:Mantis (Marvel Comics)|Mantis]]
* [[Sylvester Stallone]] as [[w:Starhawk (comics)|Stakar Ogord]]
* [[Kurt Russell]] as [[w:Ego the Living Planet|Ego]]
* [[w:Elizabeth Debicki|Elizabeth Debicki]] as [[w:Kismet (Marvel Comics)|Ayesha]]
* [[w:Chris Sullivan (actor)|Chris Sullivan]] as [[w:Taserface|Taserface]]
* [[w:Sean Gunn|Sean Gunn]] as [[w:Kraglin|Kraglin]] / Rocket &lt;small&gt;(on-set)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Tommy Flanagan (actor)|Tommy Flanagan]] as Tullk
* [[w:Laura Haddock|Laura Haddock]] as Meredith Quill

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{Official|http://movies.disney.com/guardians-of-the-galaxy-vol-2}} 
* {{IMDb title|3896198}}
* {{mojo title|marvel17a}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|guardians_of_the_galaxy_2}}
* {{metacritic film|guardians-of-the-galaxy-vol-2}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Comedy science fiction films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Space adventure films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films set in Missouri]]
[[Category:Screenplays by James Gunn]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Films about raccoons]]
[[Category:Films directed by James Gunn]]
[[Category:Films set on fictional planets]]
[[Category:Fiction about intergalactic travel]]</text>
      <sha1>21ay8qx3g87pp4ocxy3x86cfsq3tkiu</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Despicable Me 3</title>
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      <text bytes="19983" sha1="hqkjz7ce15hz2nx2wffp9sjkdrvzg6y" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[W:Despicable Me 3|Despicable Me 3]]''''' is a [[W:2017 in film|2017]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film in which Gru teams up with his long lost twin Dru in order to defeat a new enemy named Balthazar Bratt, a former 1980s child actor who grows up to become a villain. It is the third installment in the [[W:Despicable Me (franchise)|''Despicable Me'' film series]] and the sequel to ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013).

:''Directed by [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] and [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]] and co-directed by Eric Guillon. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].

{{center|'''Oh brother.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Gru ==
* There is always a blind chord.
* What, twin brother?
* Get ready, Bratt! You are about to be blasted back to the eighties!
* No! Kyle, stop! Kyle let go!

== Dru ==
* Face it, Gru. Villainy is in your blood!
* ''[&quot;hugging&quot; Gru while jumping up and down]'' Oh, I love this guy! Look at him! But hair would make you better. ''[lightly punches Gru all over as Gru tries to stop him]'' Look at his face! Oh, he is so mad! ''[does an impression of Gru is face]''

== Bratt ==
* ''[repeated line]'' I have been a bad boy!
* This is not over, Gru! You hear me? This is ''not'' over!
* Gum one, gum all!
* Well, now that I have got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it is too bad Gru will not be around to try and stop me. Oh, wait! No, it is not! I hate that tweeb! And you, [[Hollywood, Los Angeles Hollywood]]! This time, I am canceling you! And all the losers who rejected me! ''[laughs evilly]''

== Dialogue ==
:''[first lines]''
:'''TV Show Host''': The year was 1985, and #1 hit show on TV was…
:'''Young Balthazar Bratt''': ''Evil Bratt''!
:'''TV Show Host''': The show starred young Balthazar Bratt as a child, prodigy and criminal mastermind bent on world domination!
:'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him!
:''[Bratt kicks the military officials]''
:'''Young Bratt''': I've been a bad boy!
:'''TV Show Host''': Bratt was the biggest child actor of the 1980s, striking a chord with audiences all over the world.
:''[Two Inuit kids cheer and high-five with Bratt dolls. Bratt, now a pre-teen, lands]''
:'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him!
:'''TV Show Host''': ''[as Bratt kicks the military officials]'' But it all came to an end in Season 3, when…
:''[Bratt turns to the viewers revealing that his face is covered in pimples]''
:'''Teenage Balthazar Bratt''': I've been a bad boy!
:'''TV Show Host''': The young star experienced an unexpected growth spurt.
:'''Teenage Bratt''': Boy? Boy?! '''AGGGGHHH!'''
:''[As Bratt groans in disgust, the word &quot;CANCELED&quot; appears]''
:'''TV Show Host''': The show was canceled. [[w:Hollywood, Los Angeles|Hollywood]] rejected him, and Bratt quickly plunged into a downward spiral, starting to actually believe he ''was'' the character he played on TV.
:'''Teen Bratt''': What are you looking at?
:''[Bratt shakes the camera, then punches the screen, shattering it into small pieces]''
:'''TV Show Host''': Leading us all to wonder… where is he now?
:''[Bratt runs away, shoving people as he laughs meanly. A few years later, a ship is seen through binoculars. Bratt, now an adult, chuckles evilly as he chews gum]''
:'''Balthazar Bratt''': You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better! Heist music!
:'''Clive''': Here it comes!
:''[Clive inserts a tape into the boat's radio, which plays [[w:Berlin (band)|Berlin]]'s &quot;[[W:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]&quot;]''
:'''Bratt''': D'oh! What?! Clive, what are you doing?! How is that heist music?!
:'''Clive''': Sorry! My bad.
:''[Clive ejects the tape, flips it over, then inserts it back, now playing [[Michael Jackson]]'s &quot;[[w:Bad (Michael Jackson song)|Bad]]&quot;]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A.V.L. Tech''': Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kinda of... monster!
:'''Silas Ramsbottom''': Wait, that’s not a monster. ''[zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt]'' That's a man wearing shoulder pads! There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dumont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately!
:'''Lucy''': We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing fast!
:'''Gru''': Yeah! Wait. What? What did you call us?
:'''Lucy''': Grucy! You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Try it.
:'''Gru''': Oh, I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bratt''': Hello, Gru! How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst (heroic) agent?
:''[Bratt aims a gun at Gru]''
:'''Gru''': Oh, that's hilarious, you should be on TV.
:''[Gru smacks the gun off Bratt's hand]''
:'''Gru''': Oh, that's right. You ''were''! ''[pulls out his freeze ray]'' But then you got canceled! 
:''[Bratt smacks the freeze ray off Gru's hand and pulls out a larger gun as he laughs.]''
:'''Gru''': ''[smacks the gun away]'' What about that? ''[pulls out... a small water pistol]'' Whuh? Ugh! Girls!
:''[throws the water pistol at Bratt's face]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bratt''': Gru, did you actually think I was unconscious?
:'''Gru''': What?
:'''Bratt''': It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still ''got'' it!
:''[Bratt plays the intro to [[w:Van Halen|Van Halen]]'s &quot;[[w:Jump (Van Halen song)|Jump]]&quot; on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship]''
:'''Bratt''': I've been a bad boy! ''[laughs]''
:'''Alpha Team Leader''': Freeze! Don't move!
:'''Bratt''': Son of a Betamax!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Silas''': Thank you for coming in such short notice. It is with great sadness that I must inform that as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL.
:''[All the agents gasp in shock]''
:'''Lucy''': Oh, no!
:'''Silas''': Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted. ''[under his breath]'' The very ''ambitious'', Miss Valerie da Vinci. As I look out over all your faces, I am fluttered with so many memories.
:'''Valerie da Vinci''': Oh, boy, this is a snooze fest! Blah, blah, blah, we understand, you're old, look, you're fat, you're done.
:'''Silas''': Ooh! ''[grunts]'' Let me breathe in! ''[gets shoved into the ejection hole]''
:'''Valerie''': Whew, broke a little sweat there. ''[chuckles]'' First order of business. ''[clears throat]'' Which one of you losers is Agent Gru?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Minions are cheering because they want to go back to villainy]''
:'''Gru''': Guys! Shh, shh, shh, shh! I don't think you heard me right! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This does not mean that we're going back to being villains!
:'''Minions''': Awww...
:'''Stuart''': Ah? Pinyoof la komiko!
:'''Gru''': Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Dr. Nefario accidentally [[The Empire Strikes Back|freezing himself in carbonite]].
:''[Dr. Nefario is completely frozen while three Minions try to break him out]''
:'''Gru''': But our life of crime is over! Ugh. Mel! Mel, you're with me on this, right?
:'''Mel''': Ugh! Looka!
:''[Mel clicks a button and starts a slideshow; each slide shows Gru doing some villainous things and chores while the Minions cheer and boo]''
:'''Mel''': MINIONS, NO LE PINYOOF! ''[the Minions all rouse up]'' Pinyoof, pinyoof, pinyoof!
:'''Gru''': Guys, listen to me! Read my lips! Leso me lipo! Pomo doro la comquit!
:''[The Minions laugh]''
:'''Gru''': What? What did I say? ''[pulls out a Minions language book]'' It's not &quot;comquit&quot;? Ah, okay. Pomo doro la kumquat!
:'''Mel''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pulisso kumquit parado. Lury para yo.
:'''Gru''': Don't take that tone with me! We're not going back to villainy!
:'''Mel''': Uh? No pirany?
:'''Gru''': Yes! And I don't want to hear another word about it! ''[the Minions all blow raspberries at Gru]'' Look! If you guys don't stop right now, there will be consequences!
:'''Mel''': Eh? Poro es me moro!
:'''Gru''': Hey, don't say anything you're going to regret!
:'''Mel''': Ooh, no re paros! El es quita! Choperu! ''[he and the other Minions leave]''
:'''Gru''': What, you quit? You're serious? Come on! ''[Bob angrily stomps on Mel's Gru hat and leaves with all the Minions... except for Dave and Jerry, who just walked into the room, unaware of what just happened]'' Dave! Jerry! Good news, guys! You've just been promoted! You're in charge now! Huh? Not bad!
:'''Dave and Jerry''': ''[whoop excitingly as they tear off their Hawaiian costumes and begin rubbing their butts together]'' ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA!
:'''Gru''': Oh... GEESH!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In Paris, a luxury car stops outside the museum. A guard opens the door and a giant chubby man squeezes out of the car. The doors burst open as the man enters]''
:'''Museum Director''': ''Monsieur'' Pompeux! ''[kisses Pompeux's cheeks]'' So, what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert?
:'''Pompeux''': The chief of police sent me. He was censored that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont Diamond was replaced with a phony. ''[The museum director and his friends gasp. Pompeux enters a room where the Dumont Diamond sits on a pedestal surrounded by lasers. Pompeux snaps his fingers causing the lasers to turn off, examines the diamond with a jewelers loop, sniffs it with his nose, then licks it with his tongue]'' Ooh-la-la! You have been duped.
:'''Museum Director''': What? We have?
:'''Pompeux''': Yes. ''[in Bratt's voice]'' By ''me''!
:''[Darts fire from the loop, knocking out 5 guards]''
:'''Museum Director''': What? What is…? ''[A rubber mask of Pompeux's head gets tossed into the museum director's face. He removes it, then gasps]'' Oh, no! Help! ''[As he runs, a 6th dart strikes his butt and he collapses on the floor. The costume of Pomepeux's body starts to shake as Bratt gets out of it.]''
:''[Bratt hits play on a portable cassette player which [[w:Take On Me|Take on Me]] by [[w:A-ha|A-ha]] plays. A grappling hook fires from the player, crashing through a glass dome in the ceiling, then pops into a disco ball. Bratt attaches the player to his belt, then laughs as he grabs the diamond]''
:'''Bratt''': I've been a bad boy! Or should I say… ''[says &quot;I've been a bad boy!&quot; in French, then laughs as he escapes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gru''': ''[runs over to Agnes after she sells the fluffy unicorn]'' Agnes, what are you doing? You sold your unicorn?
:'''Agnes''': Well, I just wanted to help since you don't have a job. I got 2 whole dollars for it!
:'''Dave and Jerry''': Aww...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gru''': Wait, what, it's true, you never told me i had a brother, and you told me that Dad died of disappointment when i was born.
:'''Marlena''': Yeah. That was the agreement.
:'''Gru''': &quot;Agreement&quot;? What are you talking about?
:'''Marlena''': ''[sighs]'' Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own and promised never to see each other again. Obviously, I got second pick.
:'''Gru''': I have a brother.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dru''': ''[notices Lucy and dances with her]'' You must be the beautiful wife.
:'''Lucy''': Beautiful? Oh! ''[Dru twirls her around and catches her] [laughs]'' Stop it! ''[tugs Dru's scarf]'' Sweet talker.
:'''Dru''': ''[then wraps his arm around Gru, with the other still holding Lucy]'' How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? ''[rubs Gru's head]'' I'm joking!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dru''': So, brother, how are things going for you career-wise?
:'''Gru''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Great. So, so great... crushing it...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Edith and Agnes are at the Tipsy Unicorn tavern. Agnes discovers a real unicorn's horn]''
:'''Scar-Faced Man''': I'm telling you I saw one once. With my own EYE! &quot;[On 'eye', he bends down toward Agnes' face]''
:'''Agnes''': ''[waving her arms to halt the man]'' Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real live UNICORN?! What did it look like? What do you think?'' [gasps] '' Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy?[ A she shocks and turns into a rage] Was it... '''''fluffyyyyyyy...?!'''''
:'''Scar-Faced Man''': It was so fluffy, I though I was going to die!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': So... what did you guys do today?
:'''Gru and Dru''': ''[lying]'' Nothing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Margo''': Um...
:'''Lucy''': What?
:'''Margo''': It's OK to tell them &quot;no&quot; sometimes, too. You know? Moms need to be tough.
:'''Lucy''': Right. Tough. I can totally do that! Still figuring out this mom thing. ''[imitates a pirate captain]'' Getting my sea legs, matey.
:'''Margo''': My mom and dad.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dru's doorbell rings. Lucy answers it]''
:'''Lucy''': Hello? ''[sees Niko]'' Oh, hi.
:'''Niko''': Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter.
:''[The pig squeals]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[laughs]'' Hey, what now?
:'''Margo''': What's going on? Go on.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, remember Little Boots?
:'''Niko''': Hello, my schmoopsie-poo. ''[tries to kiss Margo]''
:'''Margo''': Whoa! Hey!
:'''Lucy''': He seems to think you're engaged. ''[laughs]''
:'''Margo''': What? ''[as Niko kisses her hand]'' We're not engaged.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lucy hears a knock at the door]''
:'''Lucy''': Ugh, here we go. Niko... ''[gasps as she finds Niko standing next to his mother, a woman, holding Niko's brother, a baby]''
:'''Niko's mother''': You! '''''You refuse my son's engagement pig?'''''
:'''Lucy''': What?
:'''Niko's mother''': '''''May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions!''''' 
:''[spits at Margo, and the baby does the same. Margo gasps in fright and hides behind Lucy, holding her hand]''
:'''Lucy''': Alright, lady, that's it! Nobody, ''nobody'' curses my daughter! You got it? ''[Margo is surprised by how Lucy is defending her]'' Because if you mess with Margo, you mess ''with me''! And I promise you, you do ''not'' wanna mess with me! Do you understand me?!
:'''Niko's mother''': Yes, yes.
:'''Lucy''': ''[calmly]'' Good. ''[angrily]'' Now, ''get''! ''[Niko's mother takes her son's hand and they hurry off. Lucy then turns to Margo, thinking she's still upset with her]'' Look, Margo, I think we just need to-- ''[Margo hugs her tightly. Lucy is startled at first, but hugs her, too]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After having an argument with Dru and Bratt kidnapped the girls, Gru is about to leave out the door when suddenly he hears banging from the closet]''
:'''Gru''': Huh? ''[opens the closet door and gasps]'' Lucy? ''[finds the real Lucy bound and gagged in the closet then removes the gag from her mouth]'' But...
:'''Lucy''': ''[breathes]'' Bratt! He took the girls!
:'''Gru''': What?! No!
:''[Through a window, the jet flies off. Gru watches in horror. Dru, drowning his misery after his argument, eats ice cream as Gru and Lucy approach him]''
:'''Gru''': Dru! Dru!
:'''Dru''': ''[turns away from him]'' Go away! I don't wanna talk to you.
:'''Gru''': ''(No, listen.)'' Bratt has the girls!
:''[Looking shocked that Bratt kidnap his nieces, Dru stops eating his ice cream, then turns to his brother while gasping. In the sky, Gru flies the rocket jet with Dru and Lucy]''
:'''Gru''': Listen, brother, about what I just said...
:'''Dru''': No, I'm the one.
:'''Gru''': I shouldn't have... ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Dru''': Oh, I'm sorry, too, Gru.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bratt''': ''[laughing]'' Hello, Hollywood! ''[on speaker]'' I'm back and bigger than ever.
:''[The girls and Lucky are inside the robot's chest]''
:'''Agnes''': ''[shrieking]'' I'm scared!
:'''Celebrity''': Thank you. Thank you so… Oh! ''[spots the robot as the people flee]'' No! No! No, you can’t leave me here! I’m famous!
:'''Bratt''': ''[laughs]'' Clive, arm the cannons. ''[Gum launchers appear on the robot's shoulder pads]'' Chew on this!
:''[As gum launches from the launchers, they become bubbles, covering the city. People scream and run around in panic. The robot steps over a woman, who screams]''
:'''Edith''': Hey, mullet-head, let us out!
:'''Bratt''': Oh, don't worry, girls, I've prepared a front row seat for you. ''[flips a switch, and a panel opens on the robot's chest. The girls scream as a platform slides them and Lucky onto the robot's hand. The robot drops the girls and Lucky on the ledge of a tall building. Agnes screams as she hangs on for dear life]''
:'''Margo''': Agnes!
:''[Margo and Edith help her up]''
:'''Bratt''': Once again, I win, and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls.
:''[As the robot walks off, the girls gape at the gum. The rocket jet arrives]''
:'''Gru''': What in the heck?
:'''Lucy''': Oh! I hope the girls are okay!
:'''Dru''': Bratt! Bratt at 9 o'clock! No, ''3'' o'clock! He's on the left!
:''[The robot is nearby]''
:'''Dru''': ''[gasps]'' No, I've seen this episode! He's gonna bubblegum the whole city, and send it up into space!
:'''Lucy''': ''[gasps]'' Hurry!
:''[Dru yelps]''

(Meanwhile, the Bratt robot stomps on the word wood and y and looks down at the destruction below)

Bratt: (happily yells) oh this is it! This is it! Lights, camera, LASER!

The laser blasts straight through in a circle around the street people panic and run for their lives, as one man takes a selfie on his phone we then cut back to the girls and lucky)

Agnes: ARRGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Dru disabled the robot, Gru, regaining consciousness, gapes]''
:'''Gru''': &lt;big&gt;'''''DRU!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Gru runs over to the wreckage]''
:'''Gru''': Hold on! I'm coming!
:''[Gru looks up to see Bratt]''
:'''Bratt''': You've ruined everything! And now, it's time to die! Any last words, Gru?
:'''Gru''': You know what? I got two words for you. &quot;Dance fight&quot;!
:''[Gru starts dancing as &quot;[[w:Into the Groove|Into the Groove]]&quot; by [[Madonna]] plays]''
:'''Bratt''': Oh, it is on like [[w:Donkey Kong|Donkey Kong]]! I'm gonna enjoy this!
:''[Bratt and Gru start to dance fight]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bratt''': Game over! ''[laughs evilly as he tries to reach for his keytar, but realizes that it's gone]''
:'''Gru''': ''[holding Bratt's keytar]'' Is ''this'' what you're looking for?
:'''Bratt''': No! ''[Gru blasts energy at him by playing [[Dire Straits]]' [[w:Money for Nothing (song)|Money for Nothing]]. The blast blows off Bratt's clothes, and he tumbles backwards. Dangling upside down from a bubble of gum, he floats away]'' No!
:''[Gru drops the keytar, then walks off]''
:'''Bratt''': ''[last words]'' Curse you, Gru! ''[Due to him being upside down, he bumps his head into an [[Minions (film)|Onions]] billboard as Anti-Villain League helicopters fly over to him]'' D'oh! Curse you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Agnes called Lucy &quot;mom&quot;]''
:'''Lucy''': I'm a mom. I'm a mom!
:''[Lucy gets excited as she runs off]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] — Felonious Gru, Dru Gru

* [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] — Lucy Wilde

* [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] — Balthazar Bratt

* [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] — Margo Gru

* [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] — Edith Gru

* Nev Scharrel — Agnes Gru
** [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] (previously)

* [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] — Minions

* [[Steve Coogan]] — Silas, Fritz

* [[Julie Andrews]] — Marlena Gru

* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Valerie da Vinci

* [[w:Andy Nyman|Andy Nyman]] — Clive the Robot

* [[Frank Welker]] — Kyle and Lucky

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=3469046|title=Despicable Me 3}}

{{Despicable Me}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American sequel films]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about twin brothers]]
[[Category:Films set in a fictional country]]
[[Category:Animated films set in Los Angeles]]</text>
      <sha1>hqkjz7ce15hz2nx2wffp9sjkdrvzg6y</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Get Out</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>196753</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606961</id>
      <parentid>3587756</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:42:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Dronebogus</username>
        <id>3078761</id>
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      <text bytes="18221" sha1="cuw92513b8dc6ltxa3zacc9yxhfkt81" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Get Out logo.png|thumb|Now you're in the Sunken Place.]]
[[File:Black Tea.jpg|thumb|Would anyone like tea?]]
[[File:Brain; lateral section. Watercolour after(?) W.H. Lizars, ca Wellcome V0008417.jpg|thumb|A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]]
[[File:Transportation Security Administration seal.svg|thumb|T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. ]]
'''''[[w:Get Out (film)|Get Out]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017 film]] about a young African American man who goes to meet his white girlfriend's parents for a weekend at their secluded estate in the woods, but before long, the friendly and polite ambiance gives way to a nightmare.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]].'' 
{{center|'''Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chris Washigton ==
*''[about the housekeeper]'' This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.

== Dean Armitage ==
* ''[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way]'' You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the fucking deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a fucking start.'

== Rod Williams ==
* Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in trouble for patting down an old lady? It's standard procedure. Gary just thinks that if an elderly bitch is fucking elderly, she can't hijack no motherfucking plane. ''[Chris laughs]'' See, wait, wait, now, I know you're fucking laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] is going to be on some geriatric shit.

== Jim Hudson ==
*Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.
*Please don't lump me in with that ''[the fetishization of blackness]''. You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.

==Rose Armitage==
* ''[To Chris]'' You were one of my favorites.

==Others==
*'''Andre Logan King''': Get out.
*'''Commercial announcer''': A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
:'''Chris Washington''': Like what?
:'''Rod Williams''': Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Rose's parents]'' Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
:'''Rose Armitage''': No. Should they?
:'''Chris Washington''': It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
:'''Rose Armitage''': &quot;Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman.&quot; Black...
:'''Chris Washington''': You said I was the first black guy you ever dated? 
:'''Rose Armitage''': Yeah, so what?
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
:'''Rose Armitage''': You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely fucking suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by [[w:Jesse Owens|Jesse Owens]] in the qualifying round for the [[w:1936 Summer Olympics|Berlin Olympics]] in 1936. Those were the ones where...
:'''Chris Washington''': Owens won in front of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
:'''Chris Washington''': Not great for your dad, though. 
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yeah. He ''almost'' got over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': ''[opening the door to show the back yard]'' And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. ''[they see Walter working in the yard]'' I know what you're thinking.
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché. 
:'''Chris Washington''': I wasn't going to take it there.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, I know what you mean.
:'''Dean Armitage''': By the way, I would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''[to a hypnotized Chris]'' How do you feel now?
:'''Chris Washington''': I can't move.
:'''Missy Armitage''': You can't move.
:'''Chris Washington''': Why can't I move?
:'''Missy Armitage''': You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
:'''Chris Washington''': Wait, wait, wait-
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''Sink''... ''[In his mind, sinks below the floor of the house, powerless]'' Now you're in the Sunken Place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': I didn't even want to tell you.
:'''Rod Williams''': What?
:'''Chris Washington''': I got hypnotized last night.
:'''Rod Williams''': Nigga, get the fuck outta here!
:'''Chris Washington''': No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro I don't care if the bitch is [[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.
:'''Chris Washington''': I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a fuckin' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
:'''Rod Williams''': Look, [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] was eating the shit out of niggas' heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like &quot;Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit.&quot; No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
:'''Chris Washington''': Thanks for that image right there, man.
:'''Rod Williams''': Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on [[W:A &amp; E|A &amp; E]]. That is real life.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
:'''Rod Williams''': It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's fuckin' the shit out of 'em.

&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;

:'''Jim Hudson''': I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to [[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Damn.
:'''Jim Hudson''': I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.
:'''Chris Washington''': Shit ain't fair, man.
:'''Jim Hudson''': Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Andre Hayworth]'' He's different.
:'''Rod Williams''': No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
:'''Chris Washington''': It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
:'''Rod Williams''': Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the fuck up outta there, man! You in some ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' situation. ''Leave'', motherfuck - ''[cell phone line goes dead]''
:'''Chris Washington''': No! Not the wires! Oh, great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Would anyone like tea?
:'''Chris Washington''': No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
:''[Chris looks at Rose]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
:'''Chris Washington''': Sorry. 
:'''Missy Armitage''': How terrible.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, the keys.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': What is your purpose, Chris?
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': In life. What is your purpose?
:'''Chris Washington''': Right now it's finding those keys.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[digging in her purse]'' I don't know where they are.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! ''Rose, now, now! The keys!''
:''[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]''
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Whoa, be careful, bro.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck?
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': I didn't do anything.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[holds up the keys]'' You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': ''[about the missing Andre Hayworth]'' But Chris say he is acting real different.
:'''Detective Latoya''': Different how?
:'''Rod Williams''': This dude is from [[Brooklyn]], huh? He don't dress like this.
:'''Detective Latoya''': I didn't use to dress like this.
:'''Rod Williams''': Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
:'''Detective Latoya''': That would explain the clothes... Alright. ''[she laughs]'' Oh Lord, Rod Williams from [[W:Transportation Security Administration|TSA]].
:'''Rod Williams''': I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
:'''Detective Latoya''': Try me.
:'''Rod Williams''': I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]''
:'''Rod Williams''': Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. Not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
:''[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]''
:'''Detective Latoya''': Don't ever, ''ever'' say that I don't do nothin' for y'all. Oh, white girls... they get you every time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': Why us? Why black people?
:'''Jim Hudson''': Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
:'''Chris Washington''': How you find me?
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... fuckin' handled.

== Taglines ==
* Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.

* Do you belong in this neighborhood?

* A brilliantly crafted thriller!

* Gripping, scary, witty and timely!

== About ==
* The villains here aren't southern rednecks or neo-Nazi skinheads, or the so-called &quot;alt-right&quot;. They're middle-class white liberals. The kind of people who read this website. The kind of people who shop at Trader Joe's, donate to the ACLU and would have voted for Obama a third time if they could. Good people. Nice people. Your parents, probably. The thing Get Out does so well – and the thing that will rankle with some viewers – is to show how, however unintentionally, these same people can make life so hard and uncomfortable for black people. It exposes a liberal ignorance and hubris that has been allowed to fester. It's an attitude, an arrogance which in the film leads to a horrific final solution, but in reality leads to a complacency that is just as dangerous.
** {{cite news|url=https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/feb/28/get-out-box-office-jordan-peele|title=Get Out: the film that dares to reveal the horror of liberal racism in America|author=Lanre Bakare|date=28 February 2017|work=The Guardian}}

* What was it, exactly, that the all-media screening audience at the new movie Get Out was cheering for when the black protagonist killed an entire family of white folks one by one? Get Out isn’t simply a revenge thriller; it’s a state-of-the-divided-nation movie. In this horror-comedy, 26-year-old middle-class black photographer Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) travels with his white girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) to her family’s idyllic exurban home and discovers a racist cult intent on siphoning black men’s mental and physical energy. [[Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner]] meets [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary’s Baby]] meets [[Meet the Fockers]]. Hollywood high-concept goes low — and unfulfilled.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* Get Out is an attenuated comedy sketch in which serious concerns are debased. Pushing buttons that alarm blacks yet charm white liberals, Peele manipulates the Trayvon Martin myth the same way Obama himself did when he pandered by saying, “Trayvon Martin could have been my son.” That disingenuous tease is extended in Peele’s casting of Daniel Kaluuya. Son of Ugandan parents, the handsome, round-faced, British-born actor triggers sympathy (he has the young, clean-cut buppie co-ed look that brothers Branford and Wynton Marsalis rocked in the ’80s).
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* In Get Out, just as Obama did, Peele exploits racial discomfort, irresponsibly playing racial grief and racist relief off against each other, subjecting imagination and identification to political sway. Get Out’s routines — Chris identifying with a wounded deer, Chris being introduced to clueless, suspicious, patronizing, dishonest, and rapacious whites — paint a limited, doomed picture of race relations. Like a double-dealing demagogue’s speech, there’s just enough pity to satisfy black grievance and just enough platitudes (Rose back-talking a white cop) to make whites feel superior. When an Asian party guest asks Chris “Is African-American experience an advantage or disadvantage?” it reveals Peele’s own biracial anxiety.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Daniel Kaluuya|Daniel Kaluuya]] - Chris Washington
** Zailand Adams - 11-year-old Chris
* [[w:Allison Williams (actress)|Allison Williams]] - Rose Armitage
* [[w:Bradley Whitford|Bradley Whitford]] - Dean Armitage
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] - Missy Armitage
* [[w:Caleb Landry Jones|Caleb Landry Jones]] - Jeremy Armitage
* [[w:Lil Rel Howery|Lil Rel Howery]] - Rod Williams
* Betty Gabriel - Georgina
* Marcus Henderson - Walter
* [[w:Keith Stanfield|LaKeith Stanfield]] - Andre Hayworth / Logan King
* Casey Kress - Ben a (kid)
* [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Jim Hudson
* [[w:Erika Alexander|Erika Alexander]] - Detective Latoya

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=5052448|title=Get Out}}
* {{amg movie|669149|Get Out}}
* {{Mojo title|blumhouse2|Get Out}}
* {{Metacritic film|get-out|Get Out}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|get_out|Get Out}}
* {{official|http://www.getoutfilm.com/}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Body horror films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:African-American films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about cults]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Films about hypnosis]]
[[Category:Films about interracial romance]]</text>
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[[File:Get Out logo.png|thumb|Now you're in the Sunken Place.]]
[[File:Black Tea.jpg|thumb|Would anyone like tea?]]
[[File:Brain; lateral section. Watercolour after(?) W.H. Lizars, ca Wellcome V0008417.jpg|thumb|A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]]
[[File:Transportation Security Administration seal.svg|thumb|T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. ]]
'''''[[w:Get Out (film)|Get Out]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017 film]] about a young African American man who goes to meet his white girlfriend's parents for a weekend at their secluded estate in the woods, but before long, the friendly and polite ambiance gives way to a nightmare.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]].'' 
{{center|'''Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chris Washigton ==
*''[about the housekeeper]'' This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.
* All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?

== Dean Armitage ==
* ''[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way]'' You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the fucking deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a fucking start.'

== Rod Williams ==
* Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in trouble for patting down an old lady? It's standard procedure. Gary just thinks that if an elderly bitch is fucking elderly, she can't hijack no motherfucking plane. ''[Chris laughs]'' See, wait, wait, now, I know you're fucking laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] is going to be on some geriatric shit.

== Jim Hudson ==
*Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.
*Please don't lump me in with that ''[the fetishization of blackness]''. You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.

==Rose Armitage==
* ''[To Chris]'' You were one of my favorites.

==Others==
*'''Andre Logan King''': Get out.
*'''Commercial announcer''': A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
:'''Chris Washington''': Like what?
:'''Rod Williams''': Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Rose's parents]'' Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
:'''Rose Armitage''': No. Should they?
:'''Chris Washington''': It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
:'''Rose Armitage''': &quot;Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman.&quot; Black...
:'''Chris Washington''': You said I was the first black guy you ever dated? 
:'''Rose Armitage''': Yeah, so what?
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
:'''Rose Armitage''': You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely fucking suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by [[w:Jesse Owens|Jesse Owens]] in the qualifying round for the [[w:1936 Summer Olympics|Berlin Olympics]] in 1936. Those were the ones where...
:'''Chris Washington''': Owens won in front of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
:'''Chris Washington''': Not great for your dad, though. 
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yeah. He ''almost'' got over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': ''[opening the door to show the back yard]'' And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. ''[they see Walter working in the yard]'' I know what you're thinking.
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché. 
:'''Chris Washington''': I wasn't going to take it there.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, I know what you mean.
:'''Dean Armitage''': By the way, I would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''[to a hypnotized Chris]'' How do you feel now?
:'''Chris Washington''': I can't move.
:'''Missy Armitage''': You can't move.
:'''Chris Washington''': Why can't I move?
:'''Missy Armitage''': You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
:'''Chris Washington''': Wait, wait, wait-
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''Sink''... ''[In his mind, sinks below the floor of the house, powerless]'' Now you're in the Sunken Place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': I didn't even want to tell you.
:'''Rod Williams''': What?
:'''Chris Washington''': I got hypnotized last night.
:'''Rod Williams''': Nigga, get the fuck outta here!
:'''Chris Washington''': No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro I don't care if the bitch is [[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.
:'''Chris Washington''': I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a fuckin' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
:'''Rod Williams''': Look, [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] was eating the shit out of niggas' heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like &quot;Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit.&quot; No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
:'''Chris Washington''': Thanks for that image right there, man.
:'''Rod Williams''': Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on [[W:A &amp; E|A &amp; E]]. That is real life.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
:'''Rod Williams''': It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's fuckin' the shit out of 'em.

&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;

:'''Jim Hudson''': I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to [[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Damn.
:'''Jim Hudson''': I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.
:'''Chris Washington''': Shit ain't fair, man.
:'''Jim Hudson''': Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Andre Hayworth]'' He's different.
:'''Rod Williams''': No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
:'''Chris Washington''': It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
:'''Rod Williams''': Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the fuck up outta there, man! You in some ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' situation. ''Leave'', motherfuck - ''[cell phone line goes dead]''
:'''Chris Washington''': No! Not the wires! Oh, great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Would anyone like tea?
:'''Chris Washington''': No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
:''[Chris looks at Rose]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
:'''Chris Washington''': Sorry. 
:'''Missy Armitage''': How terrible.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, the keys.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': What is your purpose, Chris?
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': In life. What is your purpose?
:'''Chris Washington''': Right now it's finding those keys.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[digging in her purse]'' I don't know where they are.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! ''Rose, now, now! The keys!''
:''[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]''
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Whoa, be careful, bro.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck?
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': I didn't do anything.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[holds up the keys]'' You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': ''[about the missing Andre Hayworth]'' But Chris say he is acting real different.
:'''Detective Latoya''': Different how?
:'''Rod Williams''': This dude is from [[Brooklyn]], huh? He don't dress like this.
:'''Detective Latoya''': I didn't use to dress like this.
:'''Rod Williams''': Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
:'''Detective Latoya''': That would explain the clothes... Alright. ''[she laughs]'' Oh Lord, Rod Williams from [[W:Transportation Security Administration|TSA]].
:'''Rod Williams''': I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
:'''Detective Latoya''': Try me.
:'''Rod Williams''': I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]''
:'''Rod Williams''': Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. Not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
:''[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]''
:'''Detective Latoya''': Don't ever, ''ever'' say that I don't do nothin' for y'all. Oh, white girls... they get you every time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': Why us? Why black people?
:'''Jim Hudson''': Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
:'''Chris Washington''': How you find me?
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... fuckin' handled.

== Taglines ==
* Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.

* Do you belong in this neighborhood?

* A brilliantly crafted thriller!

* Gripping, scary, witty and timely!

== About ==
* The villains here aren't southern rednecks or neo-Nazi skinheads, or the so-called &quot;alt-right&quot;. They're middle-class white liberals. The kind of people who read this website. The kind of people who shop at Trader Joe's, donate to the ACLU and would have voted for Obama a third time if they could. Good people. Nice people. Your parents, probably. The thing Get Out does so well – and the thing that will rankle with some viewers – is to show how, however unintentionally, these same people can make life so hard and uncomfortable for black people. It exposes a liberal ignorance and hubris that has been allowed to fester. It's an attitude, an arrogance which in the film leads to a horrific final solution, but in reality leads to a complacency that is just as dangerous.
** {{cite news|url=https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/feb/28/get-out-box-office-jordan-peele|title=Get Out: the film that dares to reveal the horror of liberal racism in America|author=Lanre Bakare|date=28 February 2017|work=The Guardian}}

* What was it, exactly, that the all-media screening audience at the new movie Get Out was cheering for when the black protagonist killed an entire family of white folks one by one? Get Out isn’t simply a revenge thriller; it’s a state-of-the-divided-nation movie. In this horror-comedy, 26-year-old middle-class black photographer Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) travels with his white girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) to her family’s idyllic exurban home and discovers a racist cult intent on siphoning black men’s mental and physical energy. [[Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner]] meets [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary’s Baby]] meets [[Meet the Fockers]]. Hollywood high-concept goes low — and unfulfilled.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* Get Out is an attenuated comedy sketch in which serious concerns are debased. Pushing buttons that alarm blacks yet charm white liberals, Peele manipulates the Trayvon Martin myth the same way Obama himself did when he pandered by saying, “Trayvon Martin could have been my son.” That disingenuous tease is extended in Peele’s casting of Daniel Kaluuya. Son of Ugandan parents, the handsome, round-faced, British-born actor triggers sympathy (he has the young, clean-cut buppie co-ed look that brothers Branford and Wynton Marsalis rocked in the ’80s).
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* In Get Out, just as Obama did, Peele exploits racial discomfort, irresponsibly playing racial grief and racist relief off against each other, subjecting imagination and identification to political sway. Get Out’s routines — Chris identifying with a wounded deer, Chris being introduced to clueless, suspicious, patronizing, dishonest, and rapacious whites — paint a limited, doomed picture of race relations. Like a double-dealing demagogue’s speech, there’s just enough pity to satisfy black grievance and just enough platitudes (Rose back-talking a white cop) to make whites feel superior. When an Asian party guest asks Chris “Is African-American experience an advantage or disadvantage?” it reveals Peele’s own biracial anxiety.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Daniel Kaluuya|Daniel Kaluuya]] - Chris Washington
** Zailand Adams - 11-year-old Chris
* [[w:Allison Williams (actress)|Allison Williams]] - Rose Armitage
* [[w:Bradley Whitford|Bradley Whitford]] - Dean Armitage
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] - Missy Armitage
* [[w:Caleb Landry Jones|Caleb Landry Jones]] - Jeremy Armitage
* [[w:Lil Rel Howery|Lil Rel Howery]] - Rod Williams
* Betty Gabriel - Georgina
* Marcus Henderson - Walter
* [[w:Keith Stanfield|LaKeith Stanfield]] - Andre Hayworth / Logan King
* Casey Kress - Ben a (kid)
* [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Jim Hudson
* [[w:Erika Alexander|Erika Alexander]] - Detective Latoya

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=5052448|title=Get Out}}
* {{amg movie|669149|Get Out}}
* {{Mojo title|blumhouse2|Get Out}}
* {{Metacritic film|get-out|Get Out}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|get_out|Get Out}}
* {{official|http://www.getoutfilm.com/}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Body horror films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:African-American films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about cults]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Films about hypnosis]]
[[Category:Films about interracial romance]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18515" sha1="50h0p88o3eltpvall7qs8hjqhb8okp1" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Get Out logo.png|thumb|Now you're in the Sunken Place.]]
[[File:Black Tea.jpg|thumb|Would anyone like tea?]]
[[File:Brain; lateral section. Watercolour after(?) W.H. Lizars, ca Wellcome V0008417.jpg|thumb|A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]]
[[File:Transportation Security Administration seal.svg|thumb|T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. ]]
[[File:Fire02.jpg|thumb|Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die. […] Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.]]
'''''[[w:Get Out (film)|Get Out]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017 film]] about a young African American man who goes to meet his white girlfriend's parents for a weekend at their secluded estate in the woods, but before long, the friendly and polite ambiance gives way to a nightmare.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]].'' 
{{center|'''Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chris Washigton ==
*''[about the housekeeper]'' This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.
* All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?

== Dean Armitage ==
* ''[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way]'' You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the fucking deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a fucking start.'

== Rod Williams ==
* Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in trouble for patting down an old lady? It's standard procedure. Gary just thinks that if an elderly bitch is fucking elderly, she can't hijack no motherfucking plane. ''[Chris laughs]'' See, wait, wait, now, I know you're fucking laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] is going to be on some geriatric shit.

== Jim Hudson ==
*Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.
*Please don't lump me in with that ''[the fetishization of blackness]''. You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.

==Rose Armitage==
* ''[To Chris]'' You were one of my favorites.

==Others==
*'''Andre Logan King''': Get out.
*'''Commercial announcer''': A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
:'''Chris Washington''': Like what?
:'''Rod Williams''': Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Rose's parents]'' Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
:'''Rose Armitage''': No. Should they?
:'''Chris Washington''': It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
:'''Rose Armitage''': &quot;Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman.&quot; Black...
:'''Chris Washington''': You said I was the first black guy you ever dated? 
:'''Rose Armitage''': Yeah, so what?
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
:'''Rose Armitage''': You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely fucking suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by [[w:Jesse Owens|Jesse Owens]] in the qualifying round for the [[w:1936 Summer Olympics|Berlin Olympics]] in 1936. Those were the ones where...
:'''Chris Washington''': Owens won in front of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
:'''Chris Washington''': Not great for your dad, though. 
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yeah. He ''almost'' got over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': ''[opening the door to show the back yard]'' And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. ''[they see Walter working in the yard]'' I know what you're thinking.
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché. 
:'''Chris Washington''': I wasn't going to take it there.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, I know what you mean.
:'''Dean Armitage''': By the way, I would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''[to a hypnotized Chris]'' How do you feel now?
:'''Chris Washington''': I can't move.
:'''Missy Armitage''': You can't move.
:'''Chris Washington''': Why can't I move?
:'''Missy Armitage''': You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
:'''Chris Washington''': Wait, wait, wait-
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''Sink''... ''[In his mind, sinks below the floor of the house, powerless]'' Now you're in the Sunken Place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': I didn't even want to tell you.
:'''Rod Williams''': What?
:'''Chris Washington''': I got hypnotized last night.
:'''Rod Williams''': Nigga, get the fuck outta here!
:'''Chris Washington''': No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro I don't care if the bitch is [[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.
:'''Chris Washington''': I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a fuckin' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
:'''Rod Williams''': Look, [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] was eating the shit out of niggas' heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like &quot;Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit.&quot; No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
:'''Chris Washington''': Thanks for that image right there, man.
:'''Rod Williams''': Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on [[W:A &amp; E|A &amp; E]]. That is real life.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
:'''Rod Williams''': It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's fuckin' the shit out of 'em.

&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;

:'''Jim Hudson''': I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to [[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Damn.
:'''Jim Hudson''': I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.
:'''Chris Washington''': Shit ain't fair, man.
:'''Jim Hudson''': Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Andre Hayworth]'' He's different.
:'''Rod Williams''': No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
:'''Chris Washington''': It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
:'''Rod Williams''': Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the fuck up outta there, man! You in some ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' situation. ''Leave'', motherfuck - ''[cell phone line goes dead]''
:'''Chris Washington''': No! Not the wires! Oh, great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Would anyone like tea?
:'''Chris Washington''': No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
:''[Chris looks at Rose]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
:'''Chris Washington''': Sorry. 
:'''Missy Armitage''': How terrible.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, the keys.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': What is your purpose, Chris?
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': In life. What is your purpose?
:'''Chris Washington''': Right now it's finding those keys.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[digging in her purse]'' I don't know where they are.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! ''Rose, now, now! The keys!''
:''[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]''
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Whoa, be careful, bro.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck?
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': I didn't do anything.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[holds up the keys]'' You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': ''[about the missing Andre Hayworth]'' But Chris say he is acting real different.
:'''Detective Latoya''': Different how?
:'''Rod Williams''': This dude is from [[Brooklyn]], huh? He don't dress like this.
:'''Detective Latoya''': I didn't use to dress like this.
:'''Rod Williams''': Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
:'''Detective Latoya''': That would explain the clothes... Alright. ''[she laughs]'' Oh Lord, Rod Williams from [[W:Transportation Security Administration|TSA]].
:'''Rod Williams''': I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
:'''Detective Latoya''': Try me.
:'''Rod Williams''': I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]''
:'''Rod Williams''': Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. Not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
:''[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]''
:'''Detective Latoya''': Don't ever, ''ever'' say that I don't do nothin' for y'all. Oh, white girls... they get you every time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': Why us? Why black people?
:'''Jim Hudson''': Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
:'''Chris Washington''': How you find me?
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... fuckin' handled.

== Taglines ==
* Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.

* Do you belong in this neighborhood?

* A brilliantly crafted thriller!

* Gripping, scary, witty and timely!

== About ==
* The villains here aren't southern rednecks or neo-Nazi skinheads, or the so-called &quot;alt-right&quot;. They're middle-class white liberals. The kind of people who read this website. The kind of people who shop at Trader Joe's, donate to the ACLU and would have voted for Obama a third time if they could. Good people. Nice people. Your parents, probably. The thing Get Out does so well – and the thing that will rankle with some viewers – is to show how, however unintentionally, these same people can make life so hard and uncomfortable for black people. It exposes a liberal ignorance and hubris that has been allowed to fester. It's an attitude, an arrogance which in the film leads to a horrific final solution, but in reality leads to a complacency that is just as dangerous.
** {{cite news|url=https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/feb/28/get-out-box-office-jordan-peele|title=Get Out: the film that dares to reveal the horror of liberal racism in America|author=Lanre Bakare|date=28 February 2017|work=The Guardian}}

* What was it, exactly, that the all-media screening audience at the new movie Get Out was cheering for when the black protagonist killed an entire family of white folks one by one? Get Out isn’t simply a revenge thriller; it’s a state-of-the-divided-nation movie. In this horror-comedy, 26-year-old middle-class black photographer Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) travels with his white girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) to her family’s idyllic exurban home and discovers a racist cult intent on siphoning black men’s mental and physical energy. [[Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner]] meets [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary’s Baby]] meets [[Meet the Fockers]]. Hollywood high-concept goes low — and unfulfilled.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* Get Out is an attenuated comedy sketch in which serious concerns are debased. Pushing buttons that alarm blacks yet charm white liberals, Peele manipulates the Trayvon Martin myth the same way Obama himself did when he pandered by saying, “Trayvon Martin could have been my son.” That disingenuous tease is extended in Peele’s casting of Daniel Kaluuya. Son of Ugandan parents, the handsome, round-faced, British-born actor triggers sympathy (he has the young, clean-cut buppie co-ed look that brothers Branford and Wynton Marsalis rocked in the ’80s).
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* In Get Out, just as Obama did, Peele exploits racial discomfort, irresponsibly playing racial grief and racist relief off against each other, subjecting imagination and identification to political sway. Get Out’s routines — Chris identifying with a wounded deer, Chris being introduced to clueless, suspicious, patronizing, dishonest, and rapacious whites — paint a limited, doomed picture of race relations. Like a double-dealing demagogue’s speech, there’s just enough pity to satisfy black grievance and just enough platitudes (Rose back-talking a white cop) to make whites feel superior. When an Asian party guest asks Chris “Is African-American experience an advantage or disadvantage?” it reveals Peele’s own biracial anxiety.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Daniel Kaluuya|Daniel Kaluuya]] - Chris Washington
** Zailand Adams - 11-year-old Chris
* [[w:Allison Williams (actress)|Allison Williams]] - Rose Armitage
* [[w:Bradley Whitford|Bradley Whitford]] - Dean Armitage
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] - Missy Armitage
* [[w:Caleb Landry Jones|Caleb Landry Jones]] - Jeremy Armitage
* [[w:Lil Rel Howery|Lil Rel Howery]] - Rod Williams
* Betty Gabriel - Georgina
* Marcus Henderson - Walter
* [[w:Keith Stanfield|LaKeith Stanfield]] - Andre Hayworth / Logan King
* Casey Kress - Ben a (kid)
* [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Jim Hudson
* [[w:Erika Alexander|Erika Alexander]] - Detective Latoya

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=5052448|title=Get Out}}
* {{amg movie|669149|Get Out}}
* {{Mojo title|blumhouse2|Get Out}}
* {{Metacritic film|get-out|Get Out}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|get_out|Get Out}}
* {{official|http://www.getoutfilm.com/}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Body horror films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:African-American films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about cults]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Films about hypnosis]]
[[Category:Films about interracial romance]]</text>
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[[File:Get Out logo.png|thumb|Now you're in the Sunken Place.]]
[[File:Black Tea.jpg|thumb|Would anyone like tea?]]
[[File:Brain; lateral section. Watercolour after(?) W.H. Lizars, ca Wellcome V0008417.jpg|thumb|A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]]
[[File:Transportation Security Administration seal.svg|thumb|T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. ]]
[[File:Fire02.jpg|thumb|Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die. […] Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.]]
[[File:Daniel Kaluuya (35411578144) (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?]]
'''''[[w:Get Out (film)|Get Out]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017]] horror film about a young African American man who goes to meet his white girlfriend's parents for a weekend at their secluded estate in the woods, but before long, the friendly and polite ambiance gives way to a nightmare.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]].'' 
{{center|'''Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chris Washigton ==
*''[about the housekeeper]'' This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.
* All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?

== Dean Armitage ==
* ''[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way]'' You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the fucking deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a fucking start.'

== Rod Williams ==
* Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in trouble for patting down an old lady? It's standard procedure. Gary just thinks that if an elderly bitch is fucking elderly, she can't hijack no motherfucking plane. ''[Chris laughs]'' See, wait, wait, now, I know you're fucking laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] is going to be on some geriatric shit.

== Jim Hudson ==
*Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.
*Please don't lump me in with that ''[the fetishization of blackness]''. You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.

==Rose Armitage==
* ''[To Chris]'' You were one of my favorites.

==Others==
*'''Andre Logan King''': Get out.
*'''Commercial announcer''': A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
:'''Chris Washington''': Like what?
:'''Rod Williams''': Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Rose's parents]'' Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
:'''Rose Armitage''': No. Should they?
:'''Chris Washington''': It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
:'''Rose Armitage''': &quot;Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman.&quot; Black...
:'''Chris Washington''': You said I was the first black guy you ever dated? 
:'''Rose Armitage''': Yeah, so what?
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
:'''Rose Armitage''': You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely fucking suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by [[w:Jesse Owens|Jesse Owens]] in the qualifying round for the [[w:1936 Summer Olympics|Berlin Olympics]] in 1936. Those were the ones where...
:'''Chris Washington''': Owens won in front of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
:'''Chris Washington''': Not great for your dad, though. 
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yeah. He ''almost'' got over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': ''[opening the door to show the back yard]'' And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. ''[they see Walter working in the yard]'' I know what you're thinking.
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché. 
:'''Chris Washington''': I wasn't going to take it there.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, I know what you mean.
:'''Dean Armitage''': By the way, I would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''[to a hypnotized Chris]'' How do you feel now?
:'''Chris Washington''': I can't move.
:'''Missy Armitage''': You can't move.
:'''Chris Washington''': Why can't I move?
:'''Missy Armitage''': You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
:'''Chris Washington''': Wait, wait, wait-
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''Sink''... ''[In his mind, sinks below the floor of the house, powerless]'' Now you're in the Sunken Place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': I didn't even want to tell you.
:'''Rod Williams''': What?
:'''Chris Washington''': I got hypnotized last night.
:'''Rod Williams''': Nigga, get the fuck outta here!
:'''Chris Washington''': No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro I don't care if the bitch is [[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.
:'''Chris Washington''': I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a fuckin' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
:'''Rod Williams''': Look, [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] was eating the shit out of niggas' heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like &quot;Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit.&quot; No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
:'''Chris Washington''': Thanks for that image right there, man.
:'''Rod Williams''': Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on [[W:A &amp; E|A &amp; E]]. That is real life.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
:'''Rod Williams''': It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's fuckin' the shit out of 'em.

&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;

:'''Jim Hudson''': I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to [[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Damn.
:'''Jim Hudson''': I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.
:'''Chris Washington''': Shit ain't fair, man.
:'''Jim Hudson''': Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Andre Hayworth]'' He's different.
:'''Rod Williams''': No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
:'''Chris Washington''': It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
:'''Rod Williams''': Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the fuck up outta there, man! You in some ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' situation. ''Leave'', motherfuck - ''[cell phone line goes dead]''
:'''Chris Washington''': No! Not the wires! Oh, great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Would anyone like tea?
:'''Chris Washington''': No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
:''[Chris looks at Rose]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
:'''Chris Washington''': Sorry. 
:'''Missy Armitage''': How terrible.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, the keys.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': What is your purpose, Chris?
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': In life. What is your purpose?
:'''Chris Washington''': Right now it's finding those keys.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[digging in her purse]'' I don't know where they are.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! ''Rose, now, now! The keys!''
:''[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]''
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Whoa, be careful, bro.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck?
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': I didn't do anything.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[holds up the keys]'' You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': ''[about the missing Andre Hayworth]'' But Chris say he is acting real different.
:'''Detective Latoya''': Different how?
:'''Rod Williams''': This dude is from [[Brooklyn]], huh? He don't dress like this.
:'''Detective Latoya''': I didn't use to dress like this.
:'''Rod Williams''': Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
:'''Detective Latoya''': That would explain the clothes... Alright. ''[she laughs]'' Oh Lord, Rod Williams from [[W:Transportation Security Administration|TSA]].
:'''Rod Williams''': I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
:'''Detective Latoya''': Try me.
:'''Rod Williams''': I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]''
:'''Rod Williams''': Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. Not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
:''[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]''
:'''Detective Latoya''': Don't ever, ''ever'' say that I don't do nothin' for y'all. Oh, white girls... they get you every time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': Why us? Why black people?
:'''Jim Hudson''': Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
:'''Chris Washington''': How you find me?
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... fuckin' handled.

== Taglines ==
* Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.

* Do you belong in this neighborhood?

* A brilliantly crafted thriller!

* Gripping, scary, witty and timely!

== About ==
* The villains here aren't southern rednecks or neo-Nazi skinheads, or the so-called &quot;alt-right&quot;. They're middle-class white liberals. The kind of people who read this website. The kind of people who shop at Trader Joe's, donate to the ACLU and would have voted for Obama a third time if they could. Good people. Nice people. Your parents, probably. The thing Get Out does so well – and the thing that will rankle with some viewers – is to show how, however unintentionally, these same people can make life so hard and uncomfortable for black people. It exposes a liberal ignorance and hubris that has been allowed to fester. It's an attitude, an arrogance which in the film leads to a horrific final solution, but in reality leads to a complacency that is just as dangerous.
** {{cite news|url=https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/feb/28/get-out-box-office-jordan-peele|title=Get Out: the film that dares to reveal the horror of liberal racism in America|author=Lanre Bakare|date=28 February 2017|work=The Guardian}}

* What was it, exactly, that the all-media screening audience at the new movie Get Out was cheering for when the black protagonist killed an entire family of white folks one by one? Get Out isn’t simply a revenge thriller; it’s a state-of-the-divided-nation movie. In this horror-comedy, 26-year-old middle-class black photographer Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) travels with his white girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) to her family’s idyllic exurban home and discovers a racist cult intent on siphoning black men’s mental and physical energy. [[Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner]] meets [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary’s Baby]] meets [[Meet the Fockers]]. Hollywood high-concept goes low — and unfulfilled.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* Get Out is an attenuated comedy sketch in which serious concerns are debased. Pushing buttons that alarm blacks yet charm white liberals, Peele manipulates the Trayvon Martin myth the same way Obama himself did when he pandered by saying, “Trayvon Martin could have been my son.” That disingenuous tease is extended in Peele’s casting of Daniel Kaluuya. Son of Ugandan parents, the handsome, round-faced, British-born actor triggers sympathy (he has the young, clean-cut buppie co-ed look that brothers Branford and Wynton Marsalis rocked in the ’80s).
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* In Get Out, just as Obama did, Peele exploits racial discomfort, irresponsibly playing racial grief and racist relief off against each other, subjecting imagination and identification to political sway. Get Out’s routines — Chris identifying with a wounded deer, Chris being introduced to clueless, suspicious, patronizing, dishonest, and rapacious whites — paint a limited, doomed picture of race relations. Like a double-dealing demagogue’s speech, there’s just enough pity to satisfy black grievance and just enough platitudes (Rose back-talking a white cop) to make whites feel superior. When an Asian party guest asks Chris “Is African-American experience an advantage or disadvantage?” it reveals Peele’s own biracial anxiety.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Daniel Kaluuya|Daniel Kaluuya]] - Chris Washington
** Zailand Adams - 11-year-old Chris
* [[w:Allison Williams (actress)|Allison Williams]] - Rose Armitage
* [[w:Bradley Whitford|Bradley Whitford]] - Dean Armitage
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] - Missy Armitage
* [[w:Caleb Landry Jones|Caleb Landry Jones]] - Jeremy Armitage
* [[w:Lil Rel Howery|Lil Rel Howery]] - Rod Williams
* Betty Gabriel - Georgina
* Marcus Henderson - Walter
* [[w:Keith Stanfield|LaKeith Stanfield]] - Andre Hayworth / Logan King
* Casey Kress - Ben a (kid)
* [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Jim Hudson
* [[w:Erika Alexander|Erika Alexander]] - Detective Latoya

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=5052448|title=Get Out}}
* {{amg movie|669149|Get Out}}
* {{Mojo title|blumhouse2|Get Out}}
* {{Metacritic film|get-out|Get Out}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|get_out|Get Out}}
* {{official|http://www.getoutfilm.com/}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Body horror films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:African-American films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about cults]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Films about hypnosis]]
[[Category:Films about interracial romance]]</text>
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[[File:Get Out logo.png|thumb|Now you're in the Sunken Place.]]
[[File:Black Tea.jpg|thumb|Would anyone like tea?]]
[[File:Brain; lateral section. Watercolour after(?) W.H. Lizars, ca Wellcome V0008417.jpg|thumb|A mind is a terrible thing to waste.]]
[[File:Transportation Security Administration seal.svg|thumb|T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. ]]
[[File:Fire02.jpg|thumb|Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die. […] Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.]]
[[File:Daniel Kaluuya (35411578144) (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?]]
'''''[[w:Get Out (film)|Get Out]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017]] horror film about a young African American man who goes to meet his white girlfriend's parents for a weekend at their secluded estate in the woods, but before long, the friendly and polite ambiance gives way to a nightmare.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]].'' 
{{center|'''Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Chris Washigton ==
*''[about the housekeeper]'' This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.
* All I know is sometimes, when there's too many white people, I get nervous, you know?

== Dean Armitage ==
* ''[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way]'' You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the fucking deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a fucking start.'

== Rod Williams ==
* Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in trouble for patting down an old lady? It's standard procedure. Gary just thinks that if an elderly bitch is fucking elderly, she can't hijack no motherfucking plane. ''[Chris laughs]'' See, wait, wait, now, I know you're fucking laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] is going to be on some geriatric shit.

== Jim Hudson ==
[[File:Wonder eye.png|thumb|I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.
]]
*Believe me, the irony of being a blind art dealer isn't lost on me.
*Please don't lump me in with that ''[the fetishization of blackness]''. You know, I could give a shit what color you are. No, what I want is deeper. I want your ''eye'', man. ''I want those things you see through''.

==Rose Armitage==
* ''[To Chris]'' You were one of my favorites.

==Others==
*'''Andre Logan King''': Get out.
*'''Commercial announcer''': A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
:'''Chris Washington''': Like what?
:'''Rod Williams''': Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Rose's parents]'' Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
:'''Rose Armitage''': No. Should they?
:'''Chris Washington''': It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
:'''Rose Armitage''': &quot;Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman.&quot; Black...
:'''Chris Washington''': You said I was the first black guy you ever dated? 
:'''Rose Armitage''': Yeah, so what?
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
:'''Rose Armitage''': You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely fucking suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by [[w:Jesse Owens|Jesse Owens]] in the qualifying round for the [[w:1936 Summer Olympics|Berlin Olympics]] in 1936. Those were the ones where...
:'''Chris Washington''': Owens won in front of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
:'''Chris Washington''': Not great for your dad, though. 
:'''Dean Armitage''': Yeah. He ''almost'' got over it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean Armitage''': ''[opening the door to show the back yard]'' And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. ''[they see Walter working in the yard]'' I know what you're thinking.
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché. 
:'''Chris Washington''': I wasn't going to take it there.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah, I know what you mean.
:'''Dean Armitage''': By the way, I would have voted for [[Barack Obama|Obama]] for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''[to a hypnotized Chris]'' How do you feel now?
:'''Chris Washington''': I can't move.
:'''Missy Armitage''': You can't move.
:'''Chris Washington''': Why can't I move?
:'''Missy Armitage''': You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
:'''Chris Washington''': Wait, wait, wait-
:'''Missy Armitage''': ''Sink''... ''[In his mind, sinks below the floor of the house, powerless]'' Now you're in the Sunken Place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': I didn't even want to tell you.
:'''Rod Williams''': What?
:'''Chris Washington''': I got hypnotized last night.
:'''Rod Williams''': Nigga, get the fuck outta here!
:'''Chris Washington''': No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro I don't care if the bitch is [[w:Iyanla Vanzant|Iyanla Vanzant]], okay? She can't fix my motherfucking life. You ain't getting in my head.
:'''Chris Washington''': I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
:'''Rod Williams''': Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you fuckin' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a fuckin' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
:'''Rod Williams''': Look, [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] was eating the shit out of niggas' heads. Okay? But that was after he fucked the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like &quot;Imma suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit.&quot; No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
:'''Chris Washington''': Thanks for that image right there, man.
:'''Rod Williams''': Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on [[W:A &amp; E|A &amp; E]]. That is real life.
:'''Chris Washington''': Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
:'''Rod Williams''': It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's fuckin' the shit out of 'em.

&lt;Hr width=“50% “/&gt;

:'''Jim Hudson''': I used to dabble myself. Wilderness mostly. I submitted to [[W:National Geographic|Nat Geo]] 14 times before realizing I didn't have the eye. I began dealing. Then, of course, my vision went to shit.
:'''Chris Washington''': Damn.
:'''Jim Hudson''': I know. Life can be a sick joke. One day you're developing prints in the dark room and the next day you wake up - in the dark. Genetic disease.
:'''Chris Washington''': Shit ain't fair, man.
:'''Jim Hudson''': Oh, you got that right! Shit ain't fair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': ''[about Andre Hayworth]'' He's different.
:'''Rod Williams''': No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
:'''Chris Washington''': It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
:'''Rod Williams''': Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the fuck up outta there, man! You in some ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' situation. ''Leave'', motherfuck - ''[cell phone line goes dead]''
:'''Chris Washington''': No! Not the wires! Oh, great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
:'''Chris Washington''': I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Would anyone like tea?
:'''Chris Washington''': No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
:'''Missy Armitage''': Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
:''[Chris looks at Rose]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
:'''Chris Washington''': Sorry. 
:'''Missy Armitage''': How terrible.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, the keys.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': What is your purpose, Chris?
:'''Chris Washington''': What?
:'''Dean Armitage''': In life. What is your purpose?
:'''Chris Washington''': Right now it's finding those keys.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
:'''Rose Armitage''': I'm looking.
:'''Dean Armitage''': Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[digging in her purse]'' I don't know where they are.
:'''Chris Washington''': Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! ''Rose, now, now! The keys!''
:''[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]''
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': Whoa, be careful, bro.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck?
:'''Jeremy Armitage''': I didn't do anything.
:'''Chris Washington''': What the fuck is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Rose Armitage''': ''[holds up the keys]'' You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': ''[about the missing Andre Hayworth]'' But Chris say he is acting real different.
:'''Detective Latoya''': Different how?
:'''Rod Williams''': This dude is from [[Brooklyn]], huh? He don't dress like this.
:'''Detective Latoya''': I didn't use to dress like this.
:'''Rod Williams''': Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
:'''Detective Latoya''': That would explain the clothes... Alright. ''[she laughs]'' Oh Lord, Rod Williams from [[W:Transportation Security Administration|TSA]].
:'''Rod Williams''': I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
:'''Detective Latoya''': Try me.
:'''Rod Williams''': I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]''
:'''Rod Williams''': Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. Not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
:''[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]''
:'''Detective Latoya''': Don't ever, ''ever'' say that I don't do nothin' for y'all. Oh, white girls... they get you every time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chris Washington''': Why us? Why black people?
:'''Jim Hudson''': Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rod Williams''': I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
:'''Chris Washington''': How you find me?
:'''Rod Williams''': I'm T.S... motherfuckin'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... fuckin' handled.

== Taglines ==
* Just because you're invited, doesn't mean you're welcome.

* Do you belong in this neighborhood?

* A brilliantly crafted thriller!

* Gripping, scary, witty and timely!

== About ==
* The villains here aren't southern rednecks or neo-Nazi skinheads, or the so-called &quot;alt-right&quot;. They're middle-class white liberals. The kind of people who read this website. The kind of people who shop at Trader Joe's, donate to the ACLU and would have voted for Obama a third time if they could. Good people. Nice people. Your parents, probably. The thing Get Out does so well – and the thing that will rankle with some viewers – is to show how, however unintentionally, these same people can make life so hard and uncomfortable for black people. It exposes a liberal ignorance and hubris that has been allowed to fester. It's an attitude, an arrogance which in the film leads to a horrific final solution, but in reality leads to a complacency that is just as dangerous.
** {{cite news|url=https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/feb/28/get-out-box-office-jordan-peele|title=Get Out: the film that dares to reveal the horror of liberal racism in America|author=Lanre Bakare|date=28 February 2017|work=The Guardian}}

* What was it, exactly, that the all-media screening audience at the new movie Get Out was cheering for when the black protagonist killed an entire family of white folks one by one? Get Out isn’t simply a revenge thriller; it’s a state-of-the-divided-nation movie. In this horror-comedy, 26-year-old middle-class black photographer Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) travels with his white girlfriend Rose (Allison Williams) to her family’s idyllic exurban home and discovers a racist cult intent on siphoning black men’s mental and physical energy. [[Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner]] meets [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary’s Baby]] meets [[Meet the Fockers]]. Hollywood high-concept goes low — and unfulfilled.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* Get Out is an attenuated comedy sketch in which serious concerns are debased. Pushing buttons that alarm blacks yet charm white liberals, Peele manipulates the Trayvon Martin myth the same way Obama himself did when he pandered by saying, “Trayvon Martin could have been my son.” That disingenuous tease is extended in Peele’s casting of Daniel Kaluuya. Son of Ugandan parents, the handsome, round-faced, British-born actor triggers sympathy (he has the young, clean-cut buppie co-ed look that brothers Branford and Wynton Marsalis rocked in the ’80s).
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

* In Get Out, just as Obama did, Peele exploits racial discomfort, irresponsibly playing racial grief and racist relief off against each other, subjecting imagination and identification to political sway. Get Out’s routines — Chris identifying with a wounded deer, Chris being introduced to clueless, suspicious, patronizing, dishonest, and rapacious whites — paint a limited, doomed picture of race relations. Like a double-dealing demagogue’s speech, there’s just enough pity to satisfy black grievance and just enough platitudes (Rose back-talking a white cop) to make whites feel superior. When an Asian party guest asks Chris “Is African-American experience an advantage or disadvantage?” it reveals Peele’s own biracial anxiety.
** [[W:Armond White|Armond White]], [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/02/jordan-peeles-get-out-trite-get-whitey-movie/ Return of the Get-Whitey Movie], ''National Review''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Daniel Kaluuya|Daniel Kaluuya]] - Chris Washington
** Zailand Adams - 11-year-old Chris
* [[w:Allison Williams (actress)|Allison Williams]] - Rose Armitage
* [[w:Bradley Whitford|Bradley Whitford]] - Dean Armitage
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] - Missy Armitage
* [[w:Caleb Landry Jones|Caleb Landry Jones]] - Jeremy Armitage
* [[w:Lil Rel Howery|Lil Rel Howery]] - Rod Williams
* Betty Gabriel - Georgina
* Marcus Henderson - Walter
* [[w:Keith Stanfield|LaKeith Stanfield]] - Andre Hayworth / Logan King
* Casey Kress - Ben a (kid)
* [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Jim Hudson
* [[w:Erika Alexander|Erika Alexander]] - Detective Latoya

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=5052448|title=Get Out}}
* {{amg movie|669149|Get Out}}
* {{Mojo title|blumhouse2|Get Out}}
* {{Metacritic film|get-out|Get Out}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|get_out|Get Out}}
* {{official|http://www.getoutfilm.com/}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Satire films]]
[[Category:Body horror films]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:African-American films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Films about cults]]
[[Category:Mad scientist films]]
[[Category:Films about hypnosis]]
[[Category:Films about interracial romance]]</text>
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    <title>Spider-Man: Homecoming</title>
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'''''[[w:Spider-Man: Homecoming|Spider-Man: Homecoming]]''''' is a 2017 American [[w:Superhero film|superhero film]] based on the [[Marvel Comics]] character [[Spider-Man]] and is part of the [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Marvel Cinematic Universe]]. The film is about a teenage boy living a double life in New York City as a vigilante using spider-like abilities. The film stars [[w:Tom Holland (actor)|Tom Holland]] as Peter Parker / Spider-Man, [[Michael Keaton]], [[w:Jon Favreau|Jon Favreau]], [[Zendaya]], [[w:Donald Glover|Donald Glover]], [[w:Tyne Daly|Tyne Daly]], with [[w:Marisa Tomei|Marisa Tomei]], and [[Robert Downey Jr.]] as Iron Man.
:''Directed by [[w:Jon Watts|Jon Watts]]. Written by Jon Watts, Jonathan Goldstein, John Francis Daley, Christopher Ford, Chris McKenna, and Erik Sommers.''
&lt;center&gt;'''Homework can wait. The city can't.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== [[w:Peter Parker (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Peter Parker/Spider-Man]] ==
* Hey guys! The illegal weapons deal ferry was at 10:30, ya missed it!

== [[w:Tony Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Tony Stark/Iron Man]] ==
* ''[to Peter at the Avengers' new base]'' Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough love moment that you needed, to urge you on, right? Don't you think?... let's just say it was. Look, you screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I just wanted to mention that I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team. There's about 50 reporters behind that door, ''real ones, not bloggers,'' so when you're ready... ''[reveals the Iron Spider armor]'' why don't you try ''that'' on, and we'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: ''The Spider-Man''.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Cindy''': Wait, what's going on?
:'''Girl''': Peter's not going to Nationals. 
:'''Cindy''': No, no, no. 
:'''Abe''': Why not?
:'''Liz''': Really, right before Nationals?
:'''Michelle''': He already quit marching band and robotics lab. ''[students stare at her]'' I'm not obsessed with him, I'm just very observant. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[at gym class, the students watch a video of Captain America]''
:'''Steve Rogers''': Hi, I'm Captain America. Whether in the classroom, or on the battlefield, physical fitness can be the difference between success or failure. Today my good friend, your gym teacher, will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge. 
:'''Gym Teacher''': Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy is a war criminal now, but whatever, I have to show these videos; it's required by the state. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[at shop class, Peter is disassembling a Chitauri power cell with a hammer]''
:'''Ned''': Whoa, what is that?
:'''Peter''': I dunno, but some guy tried to vaporize me with it.
:'''Ned''': Seriously? Awesome! I mean, not awesome... totally uncool, that guy. 
:'''Peter''': I think it's some kind of power source. 
:'''Ned''': Yeah, but it's connected to all these retro-processors. That's an inductive charging plate: it's what I use to charge my toothbrush. 
:'''Peter''': So whoever is making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours. 
:'''Ned''': That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of your journey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Peter and Ned are tracking a homing beacon attached to an arms dealer]''
:'''Ned''': It stopped.
:'''Peter''': Maryland?
:'''Ned''': What's there?
:'''Peter''': Dunno. Evil lair?
:'''Ned''': Evil lair?!
:'''Peter''': Dude, a gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair. 
:'''Ned''': Badass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': Wow, they're in the middle of a heist! I could catch them all red-handed, this is awesome! Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening. 
:'''Karen (the Suit lady)''': Would you like me to engage enhanced combat mode?
:'''Peter''': ''Enhanced combat mode?'' Yeah!
:'''Karen''': ''Activating Instant-Kill!''
:'''Peter''': What?! No, no, no, I don't wanna kill anybody!
:'''Karen''': ''De-activating Instant-Kill.''
:''[Peter leaps off his vantage point, failing to swing and crashing into the ground]''
:'''Peter''': What the hell just happened, what was that?
:'''Karen''': ''[helpful]'' You jumped off a sign and then landed on your face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Peter''': Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man?
:'''Karen''': Who is Liz?
:'''Peter''': Who is Liz? She's the best; she's awesome. She's just a girl that goes to my school. But yeah, I really want to tell her... it's just really weird, you know? &quot;Hey,... I'm Spider-Man.&quot;
:'''Karen''': What's weird about that?
:'''Peter''': Well, what if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? Imagine how disappointed she'd be if she sees me. 
:'''Karen''': Well, ''if I were her'', I wouldn't be disappointed at all. 
:'''Peter''': Aw, thanks Karen. ''[beat]'' It's really nice to have somebody to talk to. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': Karen, what's up?
:'''Karen''': Hey Peter, how was your Spanish quiz?
:'''Peter''': I was wondering if you could help me: I'm trying to figure out who the guys were under the bridge that night, but I can only kinda remember part of the license plate-
:'''Karen''': I can run facial recognition on the footage from that encounter.
:'''Peter''': Footage?
:'''Karen''': Yes Peter, I record everything you see. 
:'''Peter''': Everything?
:'''Karen''': ''Everything.'' It's called a baby monitor protocol.
:'''Peter''': Yeah, of course it is. Alright, just roll it back to last Friday. 
:'''Karen''': With pleasure. 
:'''Peter''': ''[in recording, doing impressions in his bathroom mirror]'' Hey, everybody, kickass party! Hey Liz, Peter's told me a lot about you...
:'''Peter''': No, no, this is just me messing around. Go later in the day.
:'''Peter''': ''[in recording]'' Verily, it is I, Thor, son of Odin! ''[flexes]''
:'''Peter''': No, this is definitely not what you want to watch-
:'''Karen''': Your impressions are very funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Iron Man has a heart-to-heart with Spider-Man after saving the Staten Island Ferry]''
:'''Tony Stark''': Previously on ''Peter Screws The Pooch,'' I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multi-million-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the ''one thing'' I told you not to do.
:'''Peter''': Is everyone okay?
:'''Stark''': No thanks to you.
:'''Peter''': No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you'd just listened to me! If you actually cared, you'd be here.
:''[Tony Stark steps out of the suit to reveal that he IS in fact there]''
:'''Stark''': ''[walks toward Peter who repeatedly steps back]'' I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Did you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid.
:'''Peter''': I'm 15.
:'''Stark''': ''[angered at smart-alecky remark]'' No, this is where you ZIP IT, alright? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? Because that's on you. And if you died, I think that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.
:'''Peter''': Yes sir.
:'''Stark''': Yes..
:'''Peter''': I'm sorry.
:'''Stark''': Sorry doesn't cut it -
:'''Peter''': I understand. I just wanted to be like you.
:'''Stark''': Then I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back. 
:'''Peter''': For how long?
:'''Stark''': Forever. Yeah that's how long it takes.
:'''Peter''': ''[overlaps]'' No! No, no, no! Please, please! 
:'''Stark''': Let's have it
:'''Peter''': You don't understand! It's all I have. I'm nothing without this suit!
:'''Stark''': If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it, okay? God, I sound like my dad.
:'''Peter''': I don't have any other clothes.
:'''Stark''': Okay, we'll sort that out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Adrian Toomes drives his daughter and Peter Parker to Homecoming]''
:'''Adrian Toomes''': So, what are you gonna do, Pete?
:'''Peter''': Huh?
:'''Toomes''': After you graduate, what are you gonna do?
:'''Peter''': Um, I don't know. 
:'''Toomes''': I just figure, with you guys going to that school, you pretty much have your whole lives planned out, right?
:'''Liz''': Peter has an internship with Tony Stark, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to worry. 
:'''Toomes''': Really? Stark? What do you do?
:'''Peter''': ''[nervous]'' Actually, I don't intern for him anymore. 
:'''Liz''': Really?
:'''Peter''': Yeah, it got... boring. 
:'''Liz''': Boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man!
:'''Toomes''': Really? Spider-Man?! What's he like?
:'''Peter''': Yeah, he's... nice. Solid dude. 
:'''Toomes''': I've seen you around, right? Because, ''even the voice...''
:'''Liz''': He does academic decathlon, and he was at my party.
:'''Peter''': It was a great party, really beautiful house, lots of windows...
:'''Liz''': You were there for like, two seconds. 
:'''Peter''': I was there longer than two seconds. 
:'''Liz''': You disappeared, like you always do, like you did in D.C., too.
:'''Toomes''': ''[Considering these details]'' Terrible what happened down there in D.C., though. Pretty scary. Bet you were glad that your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though?
:'''Peter''': I actually... didn't go up that day, I saw it from the ground. 
:'''Toomes''': ''Good old Spider-Man. [they arrive at Homecoming]'' You head in there, gumdrop. I'm gonna give Peter the old &quot;dad talk&quot;. 
:'''Liz''': ''[to Peter]'' Don't let him intimidate you. Have a safe flight!
:'''Toomes''': ''[turning to Peter, with a pistol in his hand but not aiming at him] Does she know?'' 
:'''Peter''': Know what?
:'''Toomes''': So she doesn't, good. Close to the vest, I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date! Peter, nothing is more important to me than family. You saved my daughter's life, and I could never forget something like that, so I'll give you one chance. You ready? You walk through those doors, and you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ''ever'' interfere with my business again, because if you do, ''I will kill you, and everyone that you love''. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Pete, you understand? I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?
:'''Peter''': ...Thank you.
:'''Toomes''': You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.

== Taglines ==
*Homework can wait. The city can't.

==Cast==
* [[w:Tom Holland (actor)|Tom Holland]] – [[w:Peter Parker (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Peter Parker/Spider-Man]]
* [[w:Michael Keaton|Michael Keaton]] – [[w:Vulture (Marvel Comics)|Adrian Toomes/The Vulture]]
* [[w:Jon Favreau|Jon Favreau]] – [[w:Happy Hogan (character)|Harold &quot;Happy&quot; Hogan]]
* [[Zendaya]] – [[w:MJ (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Michelle &quot;MJ&quot; Jones]]
* [[w:Donald Glover|Donald Glover]] – [[w:Prowler (Marvel Comics)|Aaron Davis]]
* [[w:Tyne Daly|Tyne Daly]] – [[w:Anne Marie Hoag|Anne Marie Hoag]]
* [[w:Marissa Tomei|Marissa Tomei]] – [[w:Aunt May|Aunt May]]
* [[Robert Downey Jr.]] – [[w:Tony Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Tony Stark/Iron Man]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Spider-Man films]]
[[Category:Films set on airplanes]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Power Rangers (2017 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>197717</id>
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      <id>3607298</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:51:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:447:C601:4CD0:A881:5FC4:39A4:1652</ip>
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      <text bytes="4883" sha1="jdllpzn6fi687nfyzrjlycl78h6kz65" xml:space="preserve">{{Power Rangers header}}
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Power Rangers (film)|Power Rangers]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017]] American superhero film and serves as a reboot to the ''[[w:Power Rangers (franchise)|Power Rangers]]'' franchise. 
:''Directed by [[w:Dean Israelite|Dean Israelite]]. Written by [[w:John Gatins|John Gatins]], with a story conceived by [[w:Matt Sazama|Matt Sazama]], [[w:Burk Sharpless|Burk Sharpless]], Michele Mulroney and [[w:Kieran Mulroney|Kieran Mulroney]]. 

{{film-stub}}


== Dialogue ==
:'''[[W:Jason Lee Scott#2017 film|Jason Scott]]''': Cow seems unhappy.
:'''Jason's Friend''': Well, it shouldn't be unhappy, because I just milked her.
:'''Jason''': ''Him.'' You just milked ''him.''
:'''Jason's Friend''': This is a &quot;him?&quot;
:'''Jason''': Was it 1 udder?
:'''Jason's Friend''': Yup.
:'''Jason''': Yeah, that's not an udder.
:'''Jason's Friend''': I was gonna say, it was actually kinda weird. It was kinda big, I had to use 2 hands–
:'''Jason''': Stop. We will never discuss this again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Scott''': You know, I don't think we're ever gonna understand each other. Just when I think you've done the dumbest thing you could possibly do… you find something even dumber and you do it.
:'''Jason''': Thank you.
:'''Sam''': I promise you, this is not the moment to be a wiseass. I know you think it's noble you didn't rat out your friends.
:'''Jason''': I acted alone. Beefcake and I had a connection.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, that's funny. You know what's not funny? This was supposed to be your season. I had scouts coming to every game. You could've written your own ticket. Now it's all gone! Now you gotta come here every Saturday for the rest of the year just so you can graduate... with all these other weirdos and criminals!
:'''Jason''': Yeah. Like you said, we'll never understand each other.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Billy Cranston#2017 film|Billy Cranston]]''': Hey, thanks for that in there.
:'''Jason''': Ah, no worries. I hate guys like that.
:'''Billy''': Yeah. Oh, so, hey, we should hang out sometime, huh? Not that we have to, but I think tonight we should.
:'''Jason''': What was your name again?
:'''Billy''': Billy. Billy Cranston, or William Cranston. Remember when kids used to call me Billy &quot;Cramstons&quot; as a 3rd grade joke like &quot;Billy crams a ton of crayons in his butt&quot;, which I didn't! It's really impossible to cram a ton of crayons in a butt. Uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry-
:'''Jason''': Billy, I would honestly hang out with you, but I have a date, every night with the Angel Grove Sheriff's Department, so... I'm sorry.
:'''Billy''': Wait, no, no, no-don't leave, don't leave. Hey-alright, so, I don't really expect for us to hang out. Truth is, I need to get somewhere tonight, and I could really use your help.
:'''Jason''': Billy, I hear you, but as I told you, I have house arrest. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry.
:'''Billy''': Well, I-I mean, I could fix that. I know how to trick the SIM. I have- I have tools.
:'''Jason''': I have to be at my house before 7.
:'''Billy''': Well, if you come to my house before 7, I can fix it for you. Oh, I also have a car or access to a car, and if you help me tonight, you can have the car for a few hours.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jason''': Billy, can I be honest? The deal was I drop you somewhere and I get the van for a few hours, okay? This is weird. Like, we don't know each other at all, I don't know what we're doing here. You see where I'm-?
:'''Billy''': Wait, wait, I gotta tell you something, okay? I'm on the [[w:Autism Disorder|Spectrum]].
:'''Jason''': Is that like a workout program? Like, [[w:Tae Bo|Tae Bo]]?
:'''Billy''': No, it's a diagnosis.
:'''Jason''': I know. It was a joke, I was kidding.
:'''Billy''': See, that's the thing, I didn't get the joke. Like my brain doesn't work the same as yours does, you know?
:'''Jason''': Yeah, well, consider that a good thing.

== Cast == 
* [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason Scott/The Red Ranger]]
* [[w:Naomi Scott|Naomi Scott]] - [[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly Hart/The Pink Ranger]]
* [[w:RJ Cyler|RJ Cyler]] - [[w:Billy Cranston|Billy Cranston/The Blue Ranger]]
* [[w:Becky G|Becky G]] - [[w:Trini Kwan|Trini/The Yellow Ranger]]
* [[w:Ludi Lin|Ludi Lin]] - [[w:Zack Taylor|Zack/The Black Ranger]]
* [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]] - [[w:Zordon|Zordon]]
* [[w:Bill Hader|Bill Hader]] - Alpha 5
* [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]] - [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita Repulsa]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=3717490|title=Power Rangers}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films based on television series]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]
[[Category:Reboot films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Teen films]]
[[Category:Power Rangers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Coco (2017 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>199548</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606997</id>
      <parentid>3599463</parentid>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C60:39F0:B0D0:492B:727B:FED4:6BB9</ip>
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      <text bytes="40699" sha1="1d5ebyajechwnhap7b9cdukawgi7u5f" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017]] American 3D computer-animated musical fantasy comedy-drama adventure film produced by [[w:Pixar Animation Studios|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w: Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells a story about a 12-year-old boy named Miguel who is accidentally transported to the Land of the Dead, where he seeks the help of his deceased musician great-great-grandfather to return him to his family among the living and to reverse his family's ban on music.

:''Directed by [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Co-Directed by [[w:Adrian Molina|Adrian Molina]]. Screenplay by Adrian Molina and Matthew Aldrich. Story by Lee Unkrich, Jason Katz, Matthew Aldrich and Adrian Molina''. Songs by [[w:Kristen Anderson-Lopez|Kristen Anderson-Lopez]], [[w:Robert Lopez|Robert Lopez]], [[w:Germaine Franco|Germaine Franco]] and Adrian Molina. Score by [[w:Michael Giacchino|Michael Giacchino]].
{{center|'''The celebration of a lifetime.'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

== Dialogue ==
Random

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miguel''': ''[finishing his opening narration]'' Sometimes I look at de la Cruz, a-and I get this feeling, like we're connected somehow. Like... if he could play music... maybe someday, I-I could too! ''[cuts to him at the plaza revealing he's actually talking to a mariachi guy]'' If it wasn't for my family.
:'''Mariachi''': ''[impatient]'' Ay, ay, ay, muchacho.
:'''Miguel''': Huh?
:'''Mariachi''': I asked for a shoe shine, not your life story!
:'''Miguel''': Oh, yeah, sorry. ''[shines his shoes]'' I just can't really talk about any of this at home, so...
:'''Mariachi''': Look, if I were you, I'd march right up to my family and say, &quot;Hey! I'm a musician, deal with it!&quot;
:'''Miguel''': I could ''never'' say that.
:'''Mariachi''': You are a musician, no? 
:'''Miguel''': I-I-I don't know. I mean... I only really play for myself.
:'''Mariachi''': Nah! Did de la Cruz become the world's best musician by hiding his sweet, sweet skills? No! He walked out onto that plaza and he played out loud! ''[spots something]'' Ah, ''mira, mira!'' They're setting up for tonight! The music competition for Día de Muertos! You wanna be like your hero? You should sign up!
:'''Miguel''': Uh-Uh, my family would ''freak!''
:'''Mariachi''': Look, if you're too scared, then, well...have fun making shoes! ''[pauses; to Miguel]'' Come on, what did de la Cruz always say?
:'''Miguel''': &quot;Seize your moment&quot;?
:'''Mariachi''': ''[showing his guitar]'' Show me what you got, ''muchacho.'' I'll be your first audience. ''[Miguel takes the guitar and is about to play when...]''
:'''Elena''': ''[in the distance, furious]'' MIGUEL!
:'''Miguel''': Ah! ''[gives the guitar back and Abuelita is stomping up the street with Rosa and Berto following.]'' Abuelita!
:'''Elena''': [[Air Force One (film)|What are you doing here?!]]
:'''Miguel''': Um... oh... uh...
:'''Elena''': ''[thrusts her shoe in the mariachi's face]'' You leave my grandson alone!
:'''Mariachi''': Duña, please! I was just getting a shine!
:'''Elena''': I know your tricks, mariachi! ''[to Miguel]'' What did he say to you?
:'''Miguel''': He was just showing me his guitar.
:''[Berto and Rosa gasp]''
:'''Berto''': Shame on you!
:'''Elena''': ''[pushing her shoe further]'' My grandson is a ''[childishly]'' sweet, little ''angelito, perrito, cielito!'' ''[furiously, pushes him off the bench]'' He wants ''no'' part of your music, mariachi. You keep away from him. ''[The marachi crawls away and takes his hat with him.]'' ''[to Miguel, childishly] Ay, pobrecito! [hugs him] Estas bien, mijo. [kisses his head; furiously]'' You know better than to be here in this place! You will come home. NOW.

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Enrique''': What are you talking about?
:'''Miguel''': I’m gonna be a musician!
:''[cut to Miguel's Ernesto de la Cruz stuff being thrown to the ground]''
:'''Elena''': What is all this? You keep secrets from your own family?!
:'''Berto''': It's all that time he spends in the plaza!
:'''Gloria''': Fills his head with crazy fantasies!
:'''Miguel''': It's not a fantasy! That man was Ernesto de la Cruz! ''[gives Papa the photo]'' The greatest musician of all time!
:'''Enrique''': We've never known anything about this man, but whoever he was, he still abandoned his family. This is no future for my son!
:'''Miguel''': But, Papa. Y-you said my family would guide me. Well, de la Cruz '''is''' my family. I'm supposed to play music.
:'''Elena''': Never! That man's music was a curse! I will not allow it!
:'''Miguel''': But if you would just let--
:'''Luisa''': Miguel!
:'''Enrique''': ''[worried]'' [[The Lego Movie|You will listen to your family. No…more…music.]]
:'''Miguel''': ''[picks up the guitar]'' Just listen to me play!
:'''Enrique''': ''[determind]'' [[Shrek Forever After|End of argument!? ''(Alright)'']] ''[Miguel tries to play the guitar, but Abuelita quickly snatches it from him]''
:'''Elena''': ''[takes the guitar]'' You want to end up like that man? Forgotten? Left off your family's ''ofrenda''?!
:'''Miguel''': ''[snapping angrily]'' I don't care if I'm on some stupid ''ofrenda''! ''[Abuelita, along with the whole family gasps in absolute horror at what Miguel has just said. Abuelita glares angrily at the guitar and prepares to destroy it; terrified]'' No!
:'''Enrique''': ''[anxious]'' Mama! ''(NO! WAIT! Stop it, you destroyed the guitar!)''
:'''Abuelita''': ''[furiously smashes the guitar against the ground into pieces three times]'' There! ''[throws the smashed guitar and makes the cross sign]'' No guitar, no music. ''[sees Miguel starting to cry]'' Aw, come. ''[tries to comfort him]'' You'll feel better after you eat with your family.
:'''Miguel''': ''[snapping in venge of tears]'' I don't wanna '''''be''''' in this family! ''[snatches the photo away from Papa and runs away]''
:'''Enrique''': ''[runs after him]'' Miguel! Miguel!
:''[Miguel runs out of his home]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel sees the Land of the Dead for the first time]''
:'''Miguel''': This isn't a dream then! You're all really out there!
:'''Victoria:''' You thought we ''weren't''?
:'''Miguel:''' Oh, I don't know. I thought it might have been one of those made-up things, that adults tell kids, like vitamins.
:'''Victoria''': Miguel, vitamins are a real thing.
:'''Miguel''': Well, now I'm thinking maybe they ''could'' be.

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Héctor steps up to the Departure Agent, disguised as Frida Kahlo]''
:'''Héctor''': Yes, it is I, Frida Kahlo. Shall we skip the scanner? I'm on so many ''ofrendas'', it will just overwhelm your blinky thingy.
:''[The machine scans Héctor; an X appears on the screen, and a buzzer goes off.]''
:'''Departure Agent''': Whoa, shoot. Looks like no one put up your photo, &quot;Frida&quot;.
:''[Héctor sheds his disguise.]''
:'''Héctor''': Okay, when I said I was Frida, just now, that... that was a lie. And I apologize for doing that.
:'''Departure Agent''': No photo on an ''ofrenda'', no crossing the bridge.
:'''Héctor''': You know what? I'm just gonna zip right over, you won't even know I'm gone! ''[Héctor zooms toward the door and splits himself past the guard.]'' Ha-ha! ''[He rushes toward the bridge as Miguel watches; he begins to sink into the petals.]'' Almost... there... just a little... further... ''[struggles to stand up but fails]'' Ugh. ''[picked up by two guards]''
:'''Male guard''': Upsy daisy.
:'''Héctor''': Fine! Okay! Fine! Who cares?! ''[spits out some petals]'' DUMB FLOWER BRIDGE!
:'''Rosita''': Aw, I don't know what I'd do if no one put up my photo.
:'''Arrival Agent''': Next!
:'''Rosita''': Oh, come, ''mijo!'' It's our turn!
:'''Arrival Agent''': Welcome back, ''amigos''! Anything to declare?
:'''Julio''': A-as a matter of fact… yes. ''[shows him Miguel and giggles nervously]''
:'''Miguel''': ''Hola.''
:''[The Arrival Agent's jaw literally drops, detaching from its skull.]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Imelda''': I ''demand'' to speak to the person in charge!
:'''Case Worker''': I'm sorry, ''señora,'' it says here no one put up your photo!
:'''Imelda''': My family always, '''ALWAYS''' put my photo on the ''ofrenda''! ''[takes off her boot and smashes the computer with it]'' That devil box tells you ''nothing'' but lies!!
:'''Julio''': ''[as he and the dead Riveras approach nervously]'' Mamá Imelda? ''[Imelda aims her boot at him; he shrieks]''
:'''Imelda''': ''[snapping out]'' Oh, ''mi familia''! They wouldn't let me cross the bridge! Tell this woman and her devil box that my photo ''is'' on the ''ofrenda''!
:'''Julio''': Well, w-we never made it to the ''ofrenda''.
:'''Imelda''': What? 
:'''Julio''':  We ran into uh... um... 
:''[Miguel and Imelda see each other; the view briefly snaps to the photo of Imelda on the ''ofrenda''.]''
:'''Imelda''': ''[gasps]'' Miguel?
:'''Miguel''': ''[sheepishly]'' Mamá Imelda...
:'''Imelda''': What is going on?
:'''Head Clerk''': ''[comes out of the door]'' You the Rivera family?
:''[The computer short circuits]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Head Clerk''': ''[sneezes as Dante gets close]'' I am sorry, whose alebrije is that?
:'''Miguel''': That's just Dante.
:'''Rosita''': He sure doesn't look like an alebrije.
:'''Oscar''': He just looks like a plain old dog...
:'''Felipe''': Or a sausage someone dropped in a barbershop.
:'''Head Clerk''': Whatever he is, I am ''[sneezes]'' terribly allergic.
:'''Miguel:''' But Dante doesn't have any hair.
:'''Head Clerk''': And I don’t have a nose, and yet here we are. ''[sneezes again]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Head Clerk gives Imelda a marigold petal to start her blessing to send Miguel home]''
:'''Head Clerk''': Now, you look at the living and say his name.
:'''Imelda''': ''[bitterly]'' Miguel.
:'''Head Clerk''': Nailed it! Now say, &quot;I give you my blessing.&quot;
:'''Imelda''': I give you my blessing. ''[The marigold petal glows; Miguel is amazed]'' I give you my blessing to go home... ''[the petal glows brighter]'' ...to put my photo back on the ''ofrenda''... ''[even brighter, Miguel nods]'' ...and to '''''never play music again!'''''
:'''Miguel''': What?! She can't do that!!
:'''Head Clerk''': Well, technically, she can add any condition she wants.
:'''Miguel''': ''[frowns]'' Fine...
:'''Head Clerk''': Then you hand the petal to Miguel.
:''[Miguel takes the petal; in a flash, he's back in the mausoleum. He looks out the window.]''
:'''Miguel''': No skeletons! ''[stares smugly at Ernesto's guitar and takes it]'' Mariachi Plaza, here I come!
:''[Not even two steps later, he's back in the Land of the Dead; he is caught by Imelda.]''
:'''Imelda''': 2 seconds and you already break your promise!
:'''Miguel''': This isn't fair, it's my life! You already had yours! ''[takes Imelda's petal]'' Papá Julio, I ask for your blessing! ''[Julio cringes nervously; one by one, each dead Rivera resists.]'' Tía Rosita? Oscar? Felipe? Tía Victoria? ''[Victoria just shakes her head no]''
:'''Imelda''': Don't make this hard, ''mijo''. You go home my way, or ''no'' way.
:'''Miguel''': You really hate music that much?!
:'''Imelda''': I will not let you go down the same path he did!
:'''Miguel''': ''[looks at the photo]'' The same path he did... ''he'' did.
:'''Victoria''': Listen to your Mamá Imelda.
:'''Oscar''': She's just looking out for you.
:'''Rosita''': Be reasonable.
:'''Miguel''': ''[stagey]'' ''Con permiso'', I need to visit the restroom. ''[exits]'' Be right back!
:'''Head Clerk''': Uh... should we tell him there are no restrooms in the Land of the Dead?

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Corrections Officer''': Disturbing the peace, fleeing an officer, falsifying a unibrow...
:'''Héctor''': That's illegal? ''[detaches his head and pats petals out]''
:'''Corrections Officer''': ''Very'' illegal. You need to clean up your act, ''amigo''.
:'''Héctor''': ''[screws his head back on] &quot;Amigo&quot;?'' Oh, that's-that's so nice to hear you say that, because... I have just had a really hard Día de Muertos and I could really use an ''amigo'' right now. ''[detaches his hands; they act like holding shoulders]'' And ''amigos''... they help their ''amigos. [reattaches hands]'' Listen, you get me across that bridge tonight, and I'll make it worth your while. ''[spots a poster of Ernesto on the wall]'' Oh! You like de la Cruz? He and I go ''way'' back! I can get you front row seats to his Sunrise Spectacular show! I-I-I'll get you backstage, you can meet him! You just gotta let me cross that bridge!
:'''Corrections Officer''': I should lock you up for the rest of the holiday. But my shift's almost up and... I wanna visit my living family, so I'm letting you off with a warning. ''[gives Héctor a warning ticket, he snatches it]''
:'''Héctor''': Can I at least get my costume back?
:'''Corrections Officer''': Uh... no.
:'''Héctor''': Ohh! ''[stomps past Miguel]'' Some ''amigo... [crumples the warning ticket]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[catches up to him]'' Hey, hey! You really know de la Cruz?
:'''Héctor''': Who wants to–? ''[notices him and shrieks]'' '''Ay!''' You're alive!
:'''Miguel''': Shh!! ''[takes him inside a phone booth to hide]'' Yeah, I'm alive. And if I want to get back to the Land of the Living, I need de la Cruz's blessing.
:'''Héctor''': That's weirdly specific.
:'''Miguel''': He's my great-great-grandfather.
:'''Héctor''': ''[completely dumbstruck]'' He's your gr-gr-gr– Wh-what?! ''[his eyeballs drop into his mouth]''
:'''Miguel''': Ugh.
:'''Héctor''': ''[pushes his eyeballs back into place]'' Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. ''[gasps]'' Wait, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wai-wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. ''[gasps again]'' Yes! You're going back to the Land of the Living!
:''[They exit the phone booth]''
:'''Miguel''': You know what? Maybe this isn't such a good...
:'''Héctor''': No! ''[snaps fingers, stops him] Niño, niño, niño!'' I-I can help you, you can help me. We can help each other. ''[Miguel can see Imelda and the dead Riveras behind him]'' But most importantly, you can help me!
:'''Imelda''': MIGUEL!
:'''Miguel''': Ah!
:'''Héctor''': I'm Héctor. ''[extends his hand]''
:'''Miguel''': Uh... that's nice! ''[grabs his arm and runs]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hector''': ''[upon hearing that Miguel's dead family are trying to send him home]'' Wait, wait, wait. You said de la Cruz was your only family. The '''ONLY''' person who could send you home.
:'''Miguel''': I do have other family, but–
:'''Hector''': You could have taken my photo back this whole time!?
:'''Miguel''': But they hate music. I need a musician's blessing.
:'''Hector''': You lied to me!
:'''Miguel''': Oh, you're the one to talk.
:'''Hector''': Look at me. I'm being forgotten, Miguel. I don't even know if I'm gonna last the night. I'm not gonna miss my one chance to cross that bridge, 'cause you want to live out some stupid musical fantasy!
:'''Miguel''': It's not stupid!
:'''Hector''': I'm taking you to your family. ''[grabs Miguel's arm and pulls him to the stage, but Miguel pulls away]''
:'''Miguel''': Let go of me!
:'''Hector''': You'll thank me later.
:'''Miguel''': You don't wanna help me. You only care about yourself. ''[pulls out Hector's photo from his pocket and throws it at him. Hector chases after it in the wind]'' Keep your dumb photo! Stay away from me!
:'''Hector''': Hey, chamaco, where did you go? Chamaco! Sorry. Come back!
:''[Miguel walk and Dante follow and barks]''
:'''Miguel''': Dante, cállate. No, Dante, stop it! He can’t help me! Dante, stop! Stop it! Leave me alone! You’re not a spirit guide; you’re just a '''DUMB DOG!''' '''NOW GET OUT OF HERE!'''
:''[Dante whines and goes away]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel gasps, Pepita roaring]''
:'''Miguel''': AAH! 
:'''Imelda''': This nonsense ends now, Miguel! I am giving you my blessing and you are going home.
:'''Miguel''': I don’t want your blessing!
:'''Imelda''': ''[runs upstairs after Miguel]'' Miguel! Stop! Come back! Miguel! I'm trying to save your life!
:'''Miguel''': ''[slips through the metal gate trying to escape]'' You're ''ruining'' my life!
:'''Imelda''': What?!
:'''Miguel''': ''[angrily]'' Music's the only thing that makes me happy. And YOU, you WANNA take that away! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND! ''[marches upstairs]''
:'''Imelda''': ''[singing &quot;La Llorona&quot;] Y aunque la vida me cueste, Llorona&lt;br /&gt;No dejar de quiererte.''
:'''Miguel''': I-I thought you hated music.
:'''Imelda''': Oh, I love it. I remember that feeling - when my husband would play and I would sing, and nothing else mattered, but when we had Coco suddenly, there was something in my life that mattered more than music. I wanted to put down roots. He wanted to play for the world. We each made a sacrifice to get what we wanted. Now, you must make a choice.
:'''Miguel''': But I don't wanna pick sides. Why can't you be on my side? That's what families are supposed to do - support you, but you never will. ''[wipes a tear from his eye and runs off]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Héctor confronts Miguel and Ernesto de la Cruz]''
:'''Héctor''': We had a deal, ''chamaco''!
:'''Ernesto''': Who are you? What is the meaning of this? ''[Héctor steps in his Frida Kahlo disguise]'' Oh, Frida! I thought you couldn't make it.
:'''Héctor''': ''[takes off his disguise]'' You said you'd take back my photo. You promised, Miguel!
:'''Ernesto''': ''[to Miguel]'' You know this, uh… man?
:'''Miguel''': I just met him tonight. He told me he knew you.
:'''Ernesto''': ''[widens his eyes in realization]'' H-Héctor?
:'''Héctor''': Please, Miguel. ''[takes out his photo]'' Put my photo up.
:''[Miguel reaches for the photo, but Ernesto takes it]''
:'''Ernesto''': My friend. You're, you're being forgotten.
:'''Héctor''': ''[angrily]'' And whose fault is that?!
:'''Ernesto''': Héctor, please.
:'''Héctor''': Those were MY songs you took. '''''MY SONGS''''' that made '''''YOU''''' famous!
:'''Miguel''': What?
:'''Héctor''': If I'm being forgotten, it's because you never told anyone that '''I''' wrote them!
:'''Miguel''': That's crazy. De la Cruz wrote all his own songs.
:'''Héctor''': ''[to Ernesto]'' You want to tell him or should I?
:'''Ernesto''': Héctor, I never meant to take credit. We made a great team, but you died and I... I only sang your songs because I wanted to keep a part of you alive.
:'''Héctor''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how generous.
:'''Miguel''': You really did play together.
:'''Héctor''':  Look, I don't want to fight about it. I just want you to make it right. Miguel can put my photo up...
:'''Ernesto''': Héctor...
:'''Héctor''': And I can cross over the bridge. I can see my girl. Ernesto, remember the night I left?
:'''Ernesto''': That was a long time ago.
:'''Héctor''': We drank together, and you told me you would move heaven and earth for your ''amigo''. Well, I'm asking you to, now.
:'''Miguel''': &quot;Heaven and earth&quot;, like in the movie?
:'''Héctor''': What?
:'''Miguel''': That's Don Hidalgo's toast. In the de la Cruz movie, &quot;'''''El Camino A Casa'''''&quot;.
:'''Héctor''': I'm talking about my '''REAL''' life, Miguel.
:'''Miguel''': No, it's in there. Look!
:''[&quot;El Camino a Casa&quot; is playing on a screen]''
:'''Don Hidalgo''': ''[in movie] Never were truer words spoken. This calls for a toast… to our friendship! Ha-ha! I would move heaven and earth for you, mi amigo.''
:'''Miguel''': But in the movie, Don Hidalgo poisons the drink.
:'''Don Hidalgo''': ''[in movie] Salud! [he and Ernesto toast and drink]''
:'''Ernesto''': ''[in movie; spits it out] Poison!''
:''[The fist fight breaks out; Héctor remembers something.]''
:'''Héctor''': That night, Ernesto... the night I left... ''[Flashback; a younger Héctor packs up his suitcase.] We've been performing on the road for months. I got homesick and I packed up my songs.''
:'''Young Ernesto''': You wanna give up ''now''... when we're this close to reaching our dream?
:'''Young Héctor''': ''[heading for the door]'' This was ''your'' dream. You'll manage.
:'''Young Ernesto''': ''[grabs his suitcase]'' I can't do this without your songs, Héctor!
:'''Young Héctor''': ''[pulls away]'' I'm going home, Ernesto. Hate me if you want, but my mind is made up.
:'''Young Ernesto''': ''[angry, but then controls himself]'' Oh, I could never hate you. If you must go, then I'm... I'm sending you off with a toast... ''[pours 2 drinks]'' To our friendship. I would move heaven and earth for you, ''mi amigo. Salud''!
:''[They toast and drink as Ernesto looks at Héctor rather coldly. Later on the streets...]''
:'''Héctor''': ''You walked me to the train station... [stumbles and clutches his stomach painfully] But I felt a pain in my stomach. I thought it must have been something I ate.''
:'''Young Ernesto''': Perhaps, it was that chorizo, my friend?
:'''Héctor''': ''Or something I... drank. [collapses in the street and dies; fade to black.] I woke up... dead. [has a realization after the flashback ends]'' You... ''poisoned me''.
:'''Ernesto''': You're confusing movies with reality, Héctor.
:'''Héctor''': All this time… I thought it was just bad luck. ''[Flashback; Ernesto takes Héctor's songbook, reads Remember Me.] I never thought that you might have... that you... [flashback ends; Héctor becomes furious and lunges at Ernesto for murdering him]'' '''''HOW COULD YOU?!'''''
:'''Miguel''': Héctor!
:'''Ernesto''': ''[shocked]'' Security! Security! ''[Two security guard rushes into the room.]''
:'''Héctor''': YOU TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME! '''YOU RAT!''' ''[The security guards pulls him away.]'' 
:'''Ernesto''': ''[stands up from the ground]'' Have him taken care of. He's not well. 
:'''Héctor''': I just wanted to go back home! No! NO!! '''NOOO!!!''' ''[The security guards takes Héctor away.]''
:'''Ernesto''': ''[to Miguel]'' I apologize. Where were we? 
:'''Miguel''': You're going to give me your blessing.
:'''Ernesto''': Yes, uh... Sí. ''[takes a petal of Aztec from his pocket]'' Miguel, uh... my reputation is very important to me. I would hate to have you think...
:'''Miguel''': That you murdered Héctor for his songs? 
:'''Ernesto''': ''[laughs]'' You don't think that... ''[seriously] Do you?'' 
:'''Miguel''': I... No, everyone knows you're the... the good guy. ''[Ernesto cuts a sharp, doubtful face. He looks at Héctor's photo, then takes it to his pocket]'' Papá Ernesto, my blessing...? 
:'''Ernesto''': ''[looks at the petal, and crumbles it immediately]'' Security... ''[the security guards rushes into the room again]'' Take care of Miguel! He'll be... extending his stay. 
:'''Miguel''': ''[shocked]'' What?! But I'm your family!
:'''Ernesto''': And Héctor was my best friend. ''[smiling cruelly]'' Success doesn't come for free, Miguel. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to... ''seize'' your moment. ''[Miguel gasps]'' I know you'll understand. ''[The security guards take Miguel out of the room.]''
:'''Miguel''': No! '''NO!!''' ''[the guards push Miguel towards a cenote pit]'' '''LET GO!!''' ''[the guards push Miguel into the pit, and he falls, screaming]'' '''NO!!!''' '''AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!'''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Miguel and Héctor get thrown in the cenote pit]''
:'''Miguel''': Héctor?
:'''Héctor''': Kid?
:'''Miguel''': Oh, Héctor! ''[They embrace each other.]'' You were right. I should have gone back to my family.
:'''Héctor''': Hey-- hey, hey...
:'''Miguel''': They told me not to be like de la Cruz… ''[cries, drying his eye]'' But I didn't listen.
:'''Héctor''': Hey, it's okay...
:'''Miguel''': I told them I didn't care if they remembered me. I didn't care if I was on their stupid ''ofrenda''. ''[sobs]''
:'''Héctor''': ''[hugs Miguel]'' Hey, ''chamaco'', it's okay. It's okay.
:'''Miguel''': I told them I didn't care. ''[sobs, Hector suddenly spasms, surging with gold light and falls to the ground, weak.]'' Héctor! Héctor?
:'''Héctor''': She's... forgetting me.
:'''Miguel''': Who?
:'''Héctor''': My daughter.
:'''Miguel''': ''She's'' the reason... you wanted to cross the bridge.
:'''Héctor''':  I just wanted to see her again. I never should have left Santa Cecilia. I wish I could apologize. I wish I could tell her that her papá was trying to come home… that he loved her so much. ''[long pause]'' My Coco.
:'''Miguel''': ''[completely surprised]'' Coco? ''[shows him the photo of Imelda and young Coco]''
:'''Héctor''':  Whe-where did you get this?
:'''Miguel''': ''[points to Young Coco]'' That's my Mamá Coco. ''[points to Imelda]'' That's my Mamá Imelda. ''[points to the mystery father]'' Is that... you?
:'''Héctor''': ''[with realization]'' We're...
:'''Miguel and Héctor''': ...''family? [smile at each other]''
:'''Héctor''': ''[looks at the photo sadly, memory recovered]'' I always hoped I'd see her again, that she'd miss me, maybe put up my photo… but it never happened. You know the worst part? Even if I never got to see Coco in the living world, I thought at least one day I'd see her here... give her the biggest hug... but she's the last person who remembers me. The moment she's gone from the living world...
:'''Miguel''': ...you disappear from this one. You'll never get to see her.
:'''Héctor''': Ever again. ''[long pause]'' You know, I wrote her a song once. We used to sing it every night at the same time, no matter how far apart we were. What I wouldn't give to sing it to her... one... last... time. ''[begins singing &quot;Remember Me&quot;]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[realizing]'' He stole your guitar, he stole your songs. ''You'' should be the one the world remembers, not de la Cruz!
:'''Héctor''': I didn't write 'Remember Me' for the world, I wrote it for Coco. ''[looks at Miguel sadly]'' I'm a pretty sorry excuse for a great-great grandpa.
:'''Miguel''': Are you kidding? A minute ago I thought I was related to a murderer. You're a total upgrade. ''[excitedly]'' My whole life, there is something that made me different. I never knew where it came from. But now I know... it... it comes from you. I'm proud we're family! ''[runs up happily] I’M PROUD TO BE HIS FAMILY!! [loud grito]''
:'''Héctor''': ''[happily jumps up with a loud grito]'' I'M PROUD TO BE HIS FAMILY! ''[loud grito]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[loud grito, then suddenly heard a howling sound coming from the hole of a cenote pit]'' Dante? ''[Dante appears and barks happily]'' Dante! ''[laughs]'' It's Dante! ''[Pepita appears with a loud mighty roar which shakes the stalactites, Miguel laughs with joy until Imelda appeared above Pepita]'' 
:'''Héctor''' ''[smiles nervously]'' Imelda!
:'''Imelda''': ''[fiercely]'' Héctor.
:'''Héctor''': You look good!
 
&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Imelda and Pepita rescues Miguel and Héctor from the cenote pit and reuniting with the rest of the Rivera family]''
: '''Imelda''': ''[hugs Miguel]'' Mijo, I was so worried! Thank goodness we found you in time! ''[turns to Héctor angrily]'' And '''YOU!''' How many times must I turn you away?!
:'''Héctor''': Imelda...
:'''Imelda''': I want nothing to do with you! Not in life, not in death! I spent decades protecting my family from your mistakes. He spent 5 minutes with you and I have to fish him out of a sinkhole!
:'''Miguel''': ''[gets in front of Héctor]'' I... I wasn't in there because of Héctor, he was in there because of me. He was just trying to get me home. I didn't want to listen, but he was right. Nothing is more important than family. I'm ready to accept your blessing and your conditions. But first I need to find de la Cruz... to get Héctor's photo.
:'''Imelda''': What? 
:'''Miguel''': So he can see Coco again. Héctor should be on our ''ofrenda''. He's part of our family.
:'''Imelda''': He '''''LEFT''''' this family!
:'''Miguel''': He tried to go home to you and Coco. But de la Cruz murdered him!
:''[Imelda looks at Héctor in shock]''
:'''Héctor''': It's true, Imelda.
:'''Imelda''': And so ''what'' if it's true?! You leave me alone with a child to raise and I'm just suppose to forgive you?!
:'''Héctor''': Imelda, I-- ''[starts to spasm as he surges with gold light, collapse onto his knees]''
:'''Miguel''': Héctor?
:''[Imelda gasps]''
:'''Héctor''': I'm running out of time. It's Coco.
:'''Imelda''': She's forgetting you.
:'''Miguel''': ''[helps Héctor up]'' You don't have to forgive him, but we shouldn't forget him.
:''[The Rivera family looks on in sadness]''
:'''Imelda''': I wanted to forget you. I wanted Coco to forget you too, but--
:'''Héctor''': This is my fault, not yours. I'm sorry, Imelda.
:'''Imelda''':  ''[looks at Héctor, then Miguel]'' Miguel, if we help get his photo, you will return home? No more music?
:'''Miguel''': Family comes first.
:'''Imelda''': ''[to Héctor]'' I... I can't forgive you… but I will help you. ''[to Miguel]'' So how do we get to de la Cruz?
:'''Miguel''': I might know a way.

&lt;hr widt:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Backstage at the Sunrise Spectacular, Ernesto bumps into Imelda]''
:'''Ernesto''': Don't I know you? 
:'''Imelda''': ''[removes her boot, and hits Ernesto across the face]'' That's for murdering ''the love of my life!''
:'''Ernesto''': Who?! Who the-- 
:'''Héctor''': ''[appears around the corner]'' She's talking about ME! ''[to Imelda, touched]'' ''I'm'' the love of your life? 
:'''Imelda''': I don't know, I'm still angry at you.
:'''Ernesto''': Héctor?! How did you--
:'''Imelda''': ''[hits Ernesto with her boot again]'' And that's for trying to murder my grandson! 
:'''Ernesto''': Grandson?!
:'''Miguel''': ''[appears around the corner]'' She's talking about ''me''!
:'''Ernesto''': YOU! ''[realized]'' Wait… you're ''related'' to '''Héctor?'''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Imelda finishes &quot;La Llorona&quot; and begins to bless Miguel]''
:'''Imelda''': Miguel, I give you my blessing... ''[the petal glows and gets brighter with each condition]'' ...to go home, to put up our photos, and to never--
:'''Miguel''': ''[bitterly]'' Never play music again.
:''[pause]''
:'''Imelda''': To ''never''... forget how much your family loves you.
:''[Miguel smiles at Imelda's acceptable at music]''
:'''Héctor''': You're going home.
:''[Miguel reaches out to grab the petal, but Ernesto swipes him away]''
:'''Ernesto''': You're not going ''anywhere!''
:''[Imelda yells and charges at him, but he pushes her away.]''
:'''Héctor''': Imelda! ''[runs to her]''
:''[The dead Riveras surround him.]''
:'''Ernesto''': Stay back, stay back! All of you, stay back! Not one more step!
:''[Dante flies down and tries to tug Miguel back by the shoe]''
:'''Miguel''': Dante!
:''[Ernesto flings Miguel to the ground, his hoodie falling off.]''
:'''Héctor''': Ernesto, stop! ''[surges and falls to the ground, knocking down a microphone]'' Leave the boy alone!
:'''Ernesto''': I've worked too hard, Héctor. Too hard to let him destroy ''everything!''
:''[Rosita angles a camera on him and Victoria turns on the stereo.]''
:'''Héctor''': He's a living child, Ernesto!
:'''Ernesto''': He's a '''THREAT!''' ''[The action appears on the jumbotrons onstage; when Ernesto says &quot;He's a threat!&quot;, the word &quot;threat&quot; echos; the crowd is confused.]'' You think I'd let him go back to the Land of the Living with your photo? To keep your memory ''alive?!'' '''No!'''
:'''Miguel''': You're a coward!
:'''Ernesto''': I am Ernesto de la Cruz! The greatest musician of all time!
:'''Miguel''': ''[stands up and confronts Ernesto de la Cruz for his lies]'' Héctor's the ''real'' musician! You're just the guy who murdered him and stole his songs! ''[the crowd gasps]''
:'''Male Attendee''': Murdered?
:'''Ernesto''': ''[grabs Miguel by the shirt]'' I am the one who's willing to do what it takes to seize my moment... '''whatever it takes.''' ''[tosses Miguel over the building's edge]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[screams]''
:'''Héctor''': NO!
:''[The crowd gasps in horror]''
:'''Imelda''': MIGUEL!
:'''Felipe''': MIGUEL!
:'''Ernesto''': ''[to Héctor]'' Apologies, old friend, but the show must go on.

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Ernesto's crimes are exposed to the Land of the Dead, Ernesto straighten his hair up, unaware that Miguel's family had broadcasted his crimes]''
:'''Ernesto''': Ha, ha! ''[The audience started to boo at him]'' ''[laughs nervously]'' Please, please, mi familia!
:'''Male Attendee''': MURDERER!!
:'''Female Attendee''': GET OFF THE STAGE!!
:'''Ernesto''': Orchestra! A-1, A-2, a 1... ''[The conductor breaks his baton in half in contempt, without any words to say]'' ''[singing] Remember me, though I have to s–'' ''[A tomato is thrown at his jacket]'' Hey! ''[The audience continues booing as they start throwing food at Ernesto]''
:'''Female Attendee''': Look! ''[Pepita flies up Miguel with Miguel on her back. The crowd cheers. Then Pepita crawls out of the curtains to confront she confronts Ernesto, who backs away nervously]''
:'''Ernesto''': Nice kitty... ''[Pepita roars and grabs him by the waist]'' Put me down! NO, PLEASE!! I'm beggin’ you! Stop, stop! Ow, ow! ''NOOOOO!! [Pepita flings him straight into a giant bell. He falls and sees the giant bell as he is about to crash into] NOOOO!! AHHHH!!''
:''[Ernesto smacks into the bell and falls beneath it. Appearing to be unharmed, Ernesto looks up and gasps in horror as the bell falls on him, crushing him... again. The crowd cheers.]''
:'''Audience Member''': ''[to his wife]'' What did I miss?

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Ernesto is deceased, Miguel reunites with the dead Riveras]''
:'''Miguel''': Good boy, Dante. 
:'''Imelda''': Miguel! ''[they hug each other]'' 
:''[Héctor surges and falls to the ground, life force nearly gone.]''
:'''Miguel''': Héctor! ''[runs up to him]'' The photo… I-I-I lost it!
:'''Héctor''': ''[sitting up]'' It's okay, ''mijo.'' It's... ''[surging worsens, spasms more and faints]''
:'''Miguel''': HÉCTOR! Héctor?!
:'''Héctor''': ''[moans, whispers]'' Coco...
:'''Miguel''': No, we can still find the photo!
:'''Imelda''': Miguel, it's almost sunrise!
:''[The sun begins to rise; Miguel's skeleton transformation has now reached up to his face, Héctor weakly places his hand on his face.]''
:'''Miguel''': No, no, no. I can't leave you! I promised I put your photo up! I promised you'd see Coco!
:'''Héctor''': We're both out of time, ''mijo''. [surges yet again]''
:'''Miguel''': No! No! She can't forget you!
:'''Héctor''': I just wanted her to know... that I loved her. ''[takes out a marigold petal, surging once more]''
:'''Miguel''': Héctor!
:'''Héctor''': You have our blessing... Miguel.
:'''Imelda''': ''[holds the petal with Héctor]'' No conditions.
:''[The petal glows and they contour it toward Miguel]''
:'''Miguel''': No, Papá Héctor! ''Please!!'' ''[The dead Riveras and Dante mourn sadly]'' No...! ''[panting sadly]''
:'''Héctor''': Go home. ''[smiles and surges one final time]''
:'''Miguel''': I promise '''''I won't let Coco forget you!''' [the petal touches him] '''AHH!!'''''
:''[A flash of petals, and the view fades to white; he wakes up in the mausoleum and flees for home with the skull guitar in hand.]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel makes it to Mamá Coco’s room; she is sitting in her wheelchair staring into space]''
:'''Miguel:''' Mamá Coco, can you hear me? It's Miguel. I saw your papá. Remember? Papá? Please! If you forget him, he'll be gone. Forever!
:''[Mamá Coco's mind has gone blank and she doesn't respond]''
:'''Enrique''': ''[from outside, banging the door]'' Miguel, open this door!
:'''Miguel''': ''[showing Hector's guitar]'' Here, this was his guitar, right? He used to play it to you? See, there he is. ''[no answer]'' Papá, remember? Papá?
:'''Enrique''': ''[from outside]'' MIGUEL!
:'''Miguel:''' ''[begging]'' Mamá Coco, ''please'' don't forget him!
:''[The door opens, and the Riveras enter.]''
:'''Elena''': What are you doing to that poor woman?! ''[comforts her mamá]'' It's okay, Mamita. It's okay.
:'''Enrique''': What's gotten into you?! ''[Miguel begins to cry, hugs Papa; Papá embraces him.]'' I thought I'd lost you, Miguel...
:'''Miguel''': I'm sorry, Papá.
:'''Luisa''': We're all together now, that's what matters.
:'''Miguel''': Not all of us...
:'''Elena''': It's okay, Mamita. ''[at Miguel, angriest]'' Miguel, you apologize to your Mamá Coco.
:'''Miguel''': ''[walks over to Coco]'' Mamá Coco... ''[stubs his foot against Héctor's guitar and gets an idea.]''
:'''Elena''': Well? Apologize!
:'''Miguel''': ''[holding up the guitar]'' Mamá Coco? Your papá, he wanted you to have this... ''[begins strumming; Abuelita tries to intervene, but Papa stops her.]''
:'''Enrique:''' Mamá, wait.
:''[Miguel starts playing &quot;Remember Me&quot;.]''
:'''Miguel''' ''[sings, tearfully]'': ''Remember me, though I have to say goodbye.&lt;br /&gt;Remember me, don't let it make you cry''
:'''Luisa''': Look.
:''[Coco begins to slowly lift her head.]''
:'''Miguel''': ''For even if I'm far away, I hold you in my heart.&lt;br /&gt;I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart.&lt;br /&gt;Remember me, though I have to travel far''
:'''Miguel and Coco''' ''[singing along]'': ''Remember me, each time you hear a sad guitar&lt;br /&gt;Know that I'm with you, the only way that I can be until you're in my arms again.&lt;br /&gt;Remember... me.''
:''[Coco smiles, memory recovered; Abuelita begins to cry.]''
:'''Coco''': Elena? What's wrong, ''mija''?
:'''Elena''': Nothing, Mamá. Nothing at all.
:'''Coco''': ''[to Miguel]'' My papá used to sing me that song.
:'''Miguel''': He loved you, Mamá Coco. Your papá loved you so much.
:''[Coco smiles and opens the drawer on her nightstand, taking out a notebook.]''
:'''Coco''': I kept... his letters... poems he wrote me... and... ''[skims through the book until she reveals a ripped up piece of paper. It's the missing part of the photo from the ''ofrenda'', Héctor's face, which Miguel matches with.]'' Papá was a musician… when I was a little girl; He and Mamá would sing such beautiful songs... ''[continues talking as the Riveras listen]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One year later; As everyone prepares for ''Día de los Muertos'', Mamá Coco has passed away and Baby Socorro is born]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[showing his baby sister the family photos on the ofrenda]'' And that man is your Papá Julio. And there's Tía Rosita and your Tía Victoria. And those two are Oscar and Felipe. These aren't just old pictures, they're our family. And they're counting on us to remember them.
:''[Abuelita then places a photo of Mamá Coco on the ofrenda and Miguel hugs her]''

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Coco''': ''[off-screen]'' Papá. ''[comes to him]''
:'''Hector''': Coco!

&lt;hr width:&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[singing &quot;Proud Corazón&quot;] ¡Ay, mi familia!&lt;br /&gt;¡Oiga mi gente!&lt;br /&gt;Canten a coro, let it be known!&lt;br /&gt;Our love for each other will live on forever in every beat of my proud corazón!''

==Taglines==
*The celebration of a lifetime.
*The adventure of a lifetime.

==Voice Cast==
* [[w: Anthony Gonzalez|Anthony Gonzalez]] — Miguel
* [[w:Gael García Bernal|Gael García Bernal]] — Hector
* [[Benjamin Bratt]] — Ernesto de la Cruz
* [[w:Renée Victor|Renée Victor]] — Abuelita Helen
* [[w:Ana Ofelia Murguía|Ana Ofelia Murguía]]  — Mamá Coco
* [[w:Alanna Ubach|Alanna Ubach]] — Mamá Imelda
* [[w:Alfonso Arau|Alfonso Arau]] — Papá Julio
* [[w:Selene Luna|Selene Luna]] — Rosita
* Diana Ortellí — Victoria
* Herbert Siguenza — Felipe and Oscar
* [[w:Jaime Camil|Jaime Camil]] — Papá Enrique
* [[w:Sofía Espinosa|Sofía Espinosa]] — Mamá Luisa
* [[Edward James Olmos]] — Chicharrón
* [[Luis Valdez]] — Berto
* [[w:Lombardo Boyar|Lombardo Boyar]] — Mariachi
* [[w:Octavio Solis|Octavio Solis]] — the Arrival Agent
* [[w:Gabriel Iglesias|Gabriel Iglesias]] — the Head Clerk
* [[Cheech Marin]] — a Corrections Officer
* [[w:Carla Medina|Carla Medina]] — Departure Agent
* Blanca Araceli — an Emcee
* [[w:Natalia Cordova-Buckley|Natalia Cordova-Buckley]] — Frida Kahlo
* Salvador Reyes — Security Guard
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Juan Ortodoncia
* [[Frank Welker]] — Dante and Pepita

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|2380307}}

{{Pixar}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Ghost films]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about families]]
[[Category:Films set in Mexico]]
[[Category:Lee Unkrich films]]
[[Category:Pixar]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Thirteenth Doctor</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>200425</id>
    <revision>
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      <text bytes="43629" sha1="6aosx82jvt6lsxdxunj3jjgynj2hoqg" xml:space="preserve">{{Doctor Who}}
[[File:Jodie Whittaker by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I [[know]] exactly who I am. I’m [[the Doctor]]. Sorting out fair play throughout the [[universe]].]]

{{Template:Checkcopyright}}
{{quotation limit|type=tv|length=60 min}}
This page is a collection of quotations from the era of the [[w:Thirteenth Doctor|thirteenth official incarnation]] of [[The Doctor|the Doctor]] from the BBC science fiction television programme ''[[Doctor Who]]'', portrayed by British actor [[w:Jodie Whittaker|Jodie Whittaker]].

== ''Series 10'' ==
===[[wikipedia:Twice Upon a Time (Doctor Who)|''Twice Upon a Time'']] [10.X]===
:&lt;small&gt;(25 December 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

:'''The Doctor''': ''[Seeing her new face.]'' Oh, brilliant!

== ''Series 11'' ==

=== [[w:The Woman Who Fell to Earth|The Woman Who Fell to Earth]] (11.1) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(7 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''Yazmin Khan:''' Hold on there please, madam, I need you to do what I say. This could be a potential crime scene.
:'''The Doctor:''' Why are you calling me “madam”?
:'''Yaz:''' …Because you’re a woman. 
:'''The Doctor:''' Am I? Does it suit me? 
:'''Yaz:''' What?
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, yeah! I remember. Sorry, half an hour ago I was a [[Twelfth Doctor|white-haired Scotsman]]. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Don't panic. Not the end of the world. Well, it could be the end of the world, but one thing at a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' I reformatted your phone.
:'''Ryan:''' No! All my stuff’s on there.
:'''The Doctor:''' (''grinning'') Not anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Climbing up a crane to save Karl from Tzim-Sha'']
:'''Yaz:''' What do we do when we get up there?
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
:'''Yaz:''' Really?
:'''The Doctor:''' Well, I will have by the time we get to the top. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' A Stenza warrior wears his conquests. You may tell your children you were once privileged to encounter Tzim-Sha of the Stenza.
:'''The Doctor:''' (confused) Tim Shaw?
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' Tzim-Sha.
:'''The Doctor:''' Tim Shaw?
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' Tzim-Sha! Soon to be leader of the Stenza warrior race, conquerors of the Nine Systems.
:'''The Doctor:''' When you say soon to be leader, what are you now, the office junior?
:'''Graham:''' Eh? No, don't wind him up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' Have you got family?
:'''The Doctor:''' No. Lost them a long time ago.
:'''Ryan:''' How'd you cope with that?
:'''The Doctor:''' I carry them with me. What they would have thought, and said, and done. Make them a part of who I am. So even though they’re gone from the world, they’re never gone from me.

=== [[wikipedia:The Ghost Monument|The Ghost Monument]] (11.2) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(7 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''The Doctor''': Oh, by the way, welcome to what I presume is your first alien planet! Don't touch anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': [''lending her sunglasses to Graham''] Like an old pair of mine. I say mine — I can’t remember who I borrowed them off now. It was either [[Audrey Hepburn]] or [[Pythagoras]].
:'''Graham:''' Eh? Pythagoras never wore shades.
:'''The Doctor:''' Obviously you never saw him with a hangover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Hologram. Thought it might be. Good one, though. I love a good hologram. I was a hologram once. For three weeks. The gossip I picked up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Epzo:''' I don’t need other people.
:'''Graham:''' We all need other people, mate.
:'''Epzo:''' We’re all alone. That’s how we start, and end, and its the natural state of all points in between.
:'''Graham:''' Were you born that miserable, or did you have to work at it?
:'''Epzo:''' You know, when I was four my mum told me to climb a tree. She made me climb until I was too scared to climb any higher. Then she told me to jump into her arms. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m your mum. I’m here for you. I’ll catch you.” So I jumped. And she moved out of the way. 
:'''Graham:''' What?
:'''Yaz:''' Sorry, did you say your mum did this to you?
:'''Epzo:''' Smashed into the ground, smashed this arm, shattered that ankle. And she stood over me and she said, “Now you’ve learned. You can never trust anyone in this life.”
:'''Ryan:''' That is messed up.
:'''Epzo:''' Best thing she ever did for me. I loved my mum.
:'''Graham:''' [''sarcastically''] Yeah, she sounds terrific. 
:'''The Doctor:''' Your mum was wrong. We’re stronger together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Now do you see why I don’t like guns?
:'''Ryan:''' Don’t go on about it.
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, I will go on about it! A lot.

=== [[wikipedia:Rosa (Doctor Who)|Rosa]] (11.3) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(21 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:''[After finding out the TARDIS has taken them to 1955 Montgomery, Alabama]''
:'''Graham:''' 1955? Elvis, can we see Elvis?
:'''The Doctor:''' I think he’s in New York this week. I could give him a call. 
:'''Graham:''' You haven’t got Elvis’s phone number.
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t ever tell anyone I lent him a mobile phone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waitress:''' We don’t serve Negroes. 
:'''Ryan:''' Good. 'Cause I don't eat them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While opening a mysterious suitcase]''
:'''The Doctor:''' Is anyone excited? 'Cause I'm really excited.
:'''Graham:''' You won't be if it's a bomb.
:'''The Doctor:''' Don't kill the vibe, Graham. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''While brainstorming, the Doctor begins to write on a motel wall with a pen.'']
:'''Graham:''' Oi, whoah, whoah, whoah! What are you doing? That is vandalism. We’ll have to pay for that!
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t worry, special pen.
:'''Graham:''' No! Pack it in. You ain’t [[Banksy]].
:'''The Doctor:''' Or am I?
:[''The Doctor quickly uses her “special pen” to get rid of the writing on the motel wall before a police officer enters the room.'']
:'''The Doctor:''' Banksy doesn’t have one of those… Or have I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' Everything here is a fight for you. Don’t you get tired? What keeps you going?
:'''Rosa Parks:''' The promise of tomorrow. When today isn’t working, tomorrow is what you have.

=== [[wikipedia:Arachnids in the UK|Arachnids in the UK]] (11.4) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(28 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:[''After the Doctor has gotten Yaz, Ryan, and Graham home safely and is preparing to leave.'']
:'''Yaz:''' What are you gonna do now?
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, you know, back in the box. There's loads to see.
:'''Yaz:''' By yourself?
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[sadly]'' Yeah, I suppose.
:'''Yaz:''' Do you want to come for tea at mine?
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[suddenly brightens]'' Definitely! Yes I would! Thanks. I love tea. Tea at Yaz's? Amazing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Ooh, fun fact: If you weave dragline spider silk as thick as a pencil, it’s strong enough to stop a plane in flight.
:'''Graham:''' You're kidding!
:'''The Doctor:''' I'm not! I’ve had to deal with it. Well, me and [[Amelia Earhart]]. You'd like her, she’s a right laugh. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[Showing Psychic Paper]'' Crisis Investigators. You just ran really quickly out of a room looking really scared. Tell me exactly what's going on, omitting no detail, no matter how strange.
:'''Jack Robertson:''' A giant spider just smashed through my bathtub and took out my bodyguard, Kevin.
:'''The Doctor:''' Right. Very succinct summary, well done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' ''[To The Doctor]'' So, what do we do?
:'''Jack Robertson:''' Why are you asking her?
:'''Ryan:''' 'cause she's in charge, bro.
:'''Jack Robertson:''' Says who?
:'''Graham, Yaz &amp; Ryan:''' Says us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' I eat danger for breakfast. I don’t, I prefer cereal. Or croissants. Or those little fried Portuguese—never mind, it's not important.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''As the Doctor opens a locked door leading to a tunnel under Jack Robertson’s hotel''] 
:'''Jack Robertson:''' You are not authorized to go in here!
:'''The Doctor:''' Dude, I’ve all the authorization I ever need. [''To Yaz''] I call people “dude” now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' You see, Doc, the thing about grief is it needs time, and… Well, I don’t want to sit around my house waiting for it to go away, 'cause that house is full of Grace, and it makes it so much harder. But, um, being with you and seeing all these things… it really helps.

=== [[wikipedia:The Tsuranga Conundrum|The Tsuranga Conundrum]] (11.5) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(3 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''The Doctor''': Pick a number between 1 and 100.
:'''Yaz''': 51.
:'''The Doctor''': Pentagonal number. Interesting. ''[She sonics a bomb]'' Get in that corner.
:'''Yaz''': What was the number for?
:'''The Doctor''': Number of seconds before the bomb goes off. I moved it forward a bit.
:'''Yaz''': What?! I would've gone higher!
:'''The Doctor''': Good number, 51! Atomic number of antimony. Number of Federalist Papers written by Alexander Hamilton. I love [[Hamilton (musical)|that show]], I've seen all 900 casts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz''': I'm really trusting you on this bomb, but I don't know what you're doing.
:'''The Doctor''': Think of the Pting as a mouse and the bomb as a piece of cheese.
:'''Yaz''': A very large piece of cheese about to explode and take us all with it!
:'''The Doctor''': It's not a perfect analogy, I'll admit. You could've picked a bigger number!

=== [[wikipedia:Demons of the Punjab|Demons of the Punjab]] (11.6) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(11 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''Doctor''': I need oil, water, tree bark, a saucepan, nine containers, an old newspaper, a touch of ox spit, a chicken poo, and a biscuit.
:'''Ryan''': Bagsy not chicken poo!
:'''Graham''': Why a biscuit?
:'''The Doctor''': I love biscuits!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Did you hear the noises in the valley in the night?
:'''Prem''':The violence is getting closer
:'''Ryan''': Who's doing this stuff?
:'''Prem''' Ordinary people who've lived here all their lives, whipped into a frenzy to be part of a mob. There's nothing worse than when ordinary people lose their minds. We've lived together for decades, Hindu, Muslim and Sikh, and now we're being told that our differences are more important than what unites us. Like we learned nothing in the war. I don't know how we protect people when hatred's coming from all sides.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': Well all we can strive to be.. is good men. And you Prem, are a good man.

=== [[wikipedia:Kerblam!|Kerblam!]] (11.7) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(18 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:''[The TARDIS is in the middle of traveling through space.]''
:'''The Doctor:''' Hold on!
:'''Yasmin:''' We are holding on!
:'''The Doctor:''' Well, hold on tighter!
:'''Graham:''' Can you do something about this turbulence?
:'''The Doctor:''' I'm avoiding something. Aargh; can't get the hang of these new systems!
:'''Yasmin:''' What is it?
:'''The Doctor:''' No. It's still coming for us. ''[She takes a closer look.]'' Oh. It's a teleport pulse!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Kerblam delivery robot materializes into the TARDIS, holding a package.]''
:'''Delivery Robot:''' Delivery for the Doctor.
:'''The Doctor:''' Ha! It's the Kerblam Man!
:'''Yasmin:''' It's the what?
:'''The Doctor:''' The Kerblam Man!
:'''Graham:''' You're just making sounds now!
:''[Delivery Robot hands the package to the Doctor.]''
:'''Delivery Robot:''' Delivery fulfilled. And remember, if you want it, Kerblam it!
:'''Graham:''' Space postman. I've seen it all now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jarva Slade''': How would you like a warning for insubordination?
:'''The Doctor''': I'd love one! I could add it to my collection.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': We can't let the systems take control!
:'''The Doctor''': The systems aren't the problem. How people use and exploit the system — that's the problem.  People like you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Twirly, I need your help.
:'''Twirly''': Sleep mode: off. Hello again. Customers with your current medical symptoms browsed blood pressure medication.

=== [[wikipedia:The Witchfinders|The Witchfinders]] (11.8) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(25 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:[''A witch trial is taking place.'']
:'''Yaz''': We've gotta do something, Doctor.
:'''Graham''': The Doc said don't interfere. You said don't interfere, right?
:[''The Doctor jumps into the river to try to save the woman being ducked.'']
:'''Ryan''': So much for not interfering.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Becka''': As King James has written in his new Bible, &quot;Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.&quot; 
:'''The Doctor''': In the Old Testament. There's a twist in the sequel: &quot;Love thy neighbour&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': These ''are'' hard times for women! If we're not being drowned, we're being patronised to death!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King James''': What do you know of my mother?
:'''The Doctor''': You could have seen her before she died, but you didn't want to. Why?
:'''King James''': She left me. When I was not even one year old. What kind of mother does that? Why would I wish to see her?
:'''The Doctor''': Nobody will ever know why she left you, James. But you can't go hurting people just because you're scared to face up to the darkness inside you. You have to be better than that.
:'''King James''': Who are you? How do you know these things?
:'''The Doctor''': I know, because we're all the same. We want certainty. Security. To believe that people are evil or heroic. But that's not how people are. You want to know the secrets of existence? Start with the mysteries of the heart. I can show you everything if you stop being afraid of what you don't understand, if you trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Becka''': Do you know why the ducking stool was invented, Doctor? To silence foolish women who talked too much.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah, I did know that. Which is daft, cos talking's brilliant.

=== [[wikipedia:It Takes You Away|It Takes You Away]] (11.9) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(2 December 2018) &lt;/small&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' Nice Fjord! That is a fjord innit? Got your bearings yet, doc?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[Tasting soil]'' Norway. Definitely Norway. One of the frilly bits at the top.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' D'you think it's safe?
:'''The Doctor''': I doubt it. It's a juddering dimensional portal in a mirror in a Norwegian bedroom. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': You want the whole universe. Someone who has seen it all, and that's me. I've lived longer, seen more, loved more, and lost more. I can share it all with you, anything you want to know about what you never had. Cause he's an idiot with a daughter who needs him. So let him go, and I will give you everything.

=== [[wikipedia:The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos|The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos]] (11.10) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(9 December 2018) &lt;/small&gt;

:'''Graham''': I need to be honest with you, because I am really grateful for everything you've done for me. Well, for us, you know. Everywhere we've been, all the adventures. Been amazing. But if that is the creature from Sheffield, I will kill it, if I can, for what it did to Grace.
:'''The Doctor''': Go back to the TARDIS, Graham.
:'''Graham''': Nah.
:'''The Doctor''': I won't let you do that.
:'''Graham''': You ain't gonna have a say in it.
:'''The Doctor''': You're better than this. You are. You have to be. If you kill him, I can't have you travel with me. That's if you even live.
:'''Graham''': I understand.
:'''The Doctor''': No, you don't. We're gonna rescue hostages. Anything that compromises them is dangerous. And if you kill him, you become the same as him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Tim Shaw. How long's it been?
:'''Tzim-Sha''': Three thousand four hundred and seven years.
:'''The Doctor''': I bet the seven really dragged. So, what happened to you?
:''[Tzim-Sha removes his mask, revealing that he's still got loads of teeth embedded in his face]''
:'''Tzim-Sha''': You did. You corrupted my recall device, banishing me across the universe to this desolate rock for the rest of my existence, unable to leave without dying. This was my curse, for failure. Or so you thought. I arrived, on the verge of death, racked by the DNA bombs.
:'''The Doctor''': But you got more than you could possibly have wished for. The Ux.
:'''Tzim-Sha''': The Universe provides.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': None of us know for sure what's out there. That's why we keep looking. Keep your faith. Travel hopefully. The universe will surprise you, constantly.

=== [[w:Resolution (Doctor Who)|Resolution]] (11.X) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(1 January 2019) &lt;/small&gt;

:''[Arriving at Graham's house, the Doctor leaves the TARDIS and steps on pieces of a broken chair.]''
:'''The Doctor''': Whoops.
:'''Graham''': You've landed on my chair.
:'''The Doctor''': Sorry.
:'''Graham''': You broke my chair.
:'''The Doctor''': Well, if you ''will'' leave chairs around the place,...
:'''Graham''': This is my front room!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': Be gentle. He's been through a lot.
:'''Aaron Sinclair''': I know.
:'''Graham''': ''No.'' You have ''no'' idea.
:'''Aaron''': I just want... me and him to be a family again.
:'''Graham''': Family isn't just about DNA, Aaron. Or a name. It's about what you do. And ''you'' haven't done enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aaron''': What do you need me to say? Hmm? 'Cause I want to say it.
:'''Ryan''': Okay. You say &quot;Ryan,... I'm sorry. I've messed up. I am never good enough. I've let you down. A ''lot''. And I always made life hard for you. And if it meant that, over the years, you ever felt lonely, or abandoned, or didn't know where to turn, or who to talk to, or how to be, then I'm sorry. 'Cause...'cause you mustn't ever think that you didn't deserve my love.&quot;
:'''Aaron''': You didn't ever think that.
:''[Ryan scoffs.]''
:'''Aaron''': Yeah. Why wouldn't you?.... Okay. Listen. Here's what you find out when you get older. There's things you done in your life... to others. The decisions you've made... maybe when... things were difficult... you get it wrong. But by the time you realize you got it wrong,... it's too late. You can't fix it because the damage is done. So you ''run''. 'Cause you're too ashamed... to make it right. That's what I did.
:'''Ryan''': No. You hid when I needed ya. First Mum. Then Nan.
:'''Aaron''': I'm not hiding anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dalek''': Earth is now under the control of the Daleks.
:'''The Doctor''': No. It's not. You couldn't even control one person.
:'''Dalek''': Humanity will surrender.
:'''The Doctor''': It really won't. Trust me. I've seen them in action. They fall off so many things, including the ''worst'' of their own people. They're really something. Have you not worked that out yet? Even the recon scout Dalek, the first ones out of Skaro. Humanity bands together, vanquishes you, and buries you for centuries.
:'''Dalek''': Yet I survived.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah. You're good at that. But it won't be enough.
:'''Dalek''': This planet is annexed. The fleet will be summoned.
:'''The Doctor''': You don't have the ability. You don't have the strength.
:'''Dalek''': You are weak. Humanity is weak.
:'''The Doctor''': Except... I'm not human. Have a scan.
:''[The Dalek scans the Doctor and discovers she has two hearts.]''
:'''Dalek''': ''[recoiling]'' Who are you? Identify
:'''The Doctor''': Oh, mate. I'm the Doctor. Ring any bells?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Come on then, you lot. Places to go.
:'''Yaz''': When you say &quot;Places to go&quot;,... where're you thinking? Where to next?
:'''The Doctor''': I was thinking... Everywhere.

== ''Series 12'' ==
===[[w:Spyfall (Doctor Who)|Spyfall, Part 1]] (12.1)===
:''[MI6 chief &quot;C&quot; brings the Doctor and company to an unconscious agent in a hospital bed at MI6 HQ]''
:'''C''': She was found unconscious on the floor of an aeroplane washroom on a flight to Tokyo. She'd made pre-arranged contact with an informant.
:'''Yaz''': Is she in a coma?
:'''C''': Apparently, it's a little more horrific than that. ''[hands the Doctor a tablet]'' Now, I'm told this is ''your'' expertise - dealing with the impossible.
:'''The Doctor''': You're right. It ''is'' impossible. Her DNA's been rewritten, every strand corrupted and reshaped. She's no longer human - just a shell with a human appearance.
:'''Graham''': Is she gonna live, Doc?
:'''The Doctor''': There's nothing of her ''to'' live. It's like she's been erased. This is beyond any human technology.
:'''C''': Ah... I was rather worried you were gonna say that. Doctor, the security of this entire planet is at stake. ''Can we rely on you?''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Aboard Daniel Barton's private jet]''
:'''The Doctor''': Never been good at sprinting?
:'''O''': I was the last one in every race at school.
:'''The Doctor''': No no no, I read your file. You were a champion sprinter.
:'''O''': ''[thinks for a moment... then smiles]'' Got me. Well done.
:'''Graham''': What's going on, Doc?
:'''The Doctor''': I don't know.
:'''O''': You'd best take a look out the window.
:''[They do so, seeing O's house flying next to them]''
:'''Graham''': How is your house out there?
:'''O''': It's all a bit [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wicked Witch of the West]], but you get the gist. Maybe. Maybe not. Oh come on, Doctor, catch up. You can do it.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[shocked]'' Ohhh...
:'''O''': ''[laughs gleefully]'' That's my name, and ''that'' is why I chose it. So satisfying! Doctor, I ''did'' say, &quot;Look for the spymaster&quot;. Or should I say, spy... [[Master (Doctor Who)|Master]]? ''[gives a little wave]'' Hi.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[horrified]'' You can't be.
:'''The Master''': Oh, I can be. I very much am.

===[[w:Spyfall (Doctor Who)|Spyfall, Part 2]] (12.2)===
:'''The Master''': When I arrange for your death, I expect you to ''stay'' dead. How did you escape? How did you end up here?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[realizing]'' Ah... you don't know. You're not in control of those creatures. I bet you don't even know what they are.
:'''The Master''': They're called the Kasaavin, and we have interests in common.
:'''The Doctor''': You, Barton, and a race you barely know. That's one uneasy alliance. Trust each other, do ya?
:'''The Master''': Oh, completely. By the way, I bring news from home.
:'''[[Ada Lovelace|Ada]]''': Down, Doctor! ''[uses the steam machine gun to fire at the Master]''
:'''Inventor''': This is not designed for use by a young lady!
:'''Ada''': Nothing is! And yet, I find myself more than capable! ''[fires off several more shots, hitting the Master in the arm]'' All of you, out!
:'''The Doctor''': Ada, I really do not approve!
:'''The Master''': Run all you like, Doctor! You won't get far without a TARDIS!
:'''The Doctor''': Don't have a TARDIS. ''[Ada pulls the pin on a grenade and hurls it at the Master, forcing him to dodge]'' Do have an Ada.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor and the Master have agreed to meet at the top of the Eiffel Tower.]
:'''The Doctor''': It's cold up here... It's worse than [[w: Logopolis | Jodrell Bank!]]
:'''The Master''': Did I ever apologize for that?
:'''The Doctor''': No.
:'''The Master''': Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': I'm not sure how to describe what I found... Pulverized? Burned? Nuked? All of the above. Someone destroyed it. Our ''home'', razed to the ground. Everyone killed. Everything burned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor returns to Gallifrey, only to find it burning; as she sits in despair in her TARDIS, she receives a message...]''
:'''The Master''': If you're seeing this, you've been to Gallifrey. When I said &quot;someone&quot; did that, obviously I meant... I did. I had to make them pay for what I discovered. They lied to us. The founding fathers of Gallifrey... everything we were told was a lie. We're not who we think. You or I, the whole existence of our species, built on the lie of the Timeless Child.
:''[The Doctor winces in pain as she experiences strange flashbacks]''
:'''The Master''': Do you see it? It's buried deep in all our memories, in our identity. ''[sighs]'' I'd tell you more, but... ''[bitterly]'' But why would I make it easy for you? It wasn't for me.

===[[w:Orphan 55 (Doctor Who)|Orphan 55]] (12.3)===
:'''The Doctor''': Fighting with the vending machine?
:'''Ryan''': No, it just gave me an electric shock.
:''[The Doctor checks his palm. There's something moving under the skin]''
:'''The Doctor''': That's not a shock. It's a hopper virus. This machine's sick and it just passed its virus onto you.
:'''Ryan''': How did I get a virus the same as a vending machine? I'm not a machine.
:'''The Doctor''': Hoppers are multi-platform. They'll go for anything. Don't pick at it!
:''[The hopper heads up Ryan's arm]''
:'''Ryan''': Oh, did it just go through me?
:'''The Doctor''': It's moving deeper inside you to mutate into your nervous system.
:'''Ryan''': What? 
:'''The Doctor''': Important not to panic. Humans always have the same reaction to a hopper virus. First you get the wiggly fingers, which is a warning the legs are about to go. ''[Catches Ryan as he falls]'' Luckily, this is where my hopper first-aid training kicks in. Need to get rid of these. ''[Opens the packet of snacks and empties its contents on the floor]'' Then pinch your ear! ''[Does so]''
:'''Ryan''': Ow!
:'''The Doctor''': Then you're going to sneeze!
:'''Ryan''': ''[Sneezes]''
:''[The Doctor catches the hopper in the packet]''
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. Now suck your thumb until the hallucinations stop. And remember, they're not real bats. ''[Helps Ryan to his feet]''
:''[Ryan begins flailing at the invisible bats]''
:'''The Doctor''': He's fine. He's fine.
:'''Ryan''': Make the bats go away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilma''': (''last words'') Hey! Over here! Which one of you hurt my Benni!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Look, I know what you're thinking, but it's one possible future. It's one timeline. You want me to tell you that Earth's going to be okay? Cos I can't. In your time, humanity is busy arguing over the washing-up while the house burns down. Unless people face facts and change, catastrophe is coming. But it's not decided. You know that. The future is not fixed. It depends on billions of decisions, and actions, and people stepping up. Humans. I think you forget how powerful you are. Lives change worlds. People can save planets, or wreck them. That's the choice. Be the best of humanity. Or...
:''[Be the dregs of humanity...]''

===[[w:Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror (Doctor Who)|Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror]] (12.4)===
:'''The Doctor''': ''[bursting in on two people hiding behind crates]'' Oh. Hi. I don't suppose you've seen anything weird around here? ''[is shot at]'' Agh! I'll take that as a yes. Mind if I join you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': I was at home- you know, normal life, work- then, boom- the Doctor. Changed me whole life.
:'''Dorothy''': I was the same, before I met Mr. Tesla. I wanted my own career, something steady. Then he showed me all these discoveries that could be made. But it seemed like impossible things that could be made. And now, something normal, steady...
:'''Ryan''': Doesn't seem so important?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikola Tesla''': You must all go, let them take me.
:'''The Doctor''': That's not going to happen. 
:'''Tesla''': I have to surrender myself. There's nothing else to be done. This is beyond me. 
:'''The Doctor''': No. 
:'''Tesla''': No?
:'''The Doctor''': Nikola Tesla, you're gonna change the world. But first, you're gonna save it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dorothy''': Was that more or less impossible than your usual day?
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, about average. You?
:'''Dorothy''': Slightly stranger. Normal would be boring, wouldn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Don't give up.
:'''Yaz''': Whatever anyone says.
:'''Tesla''': Well, let them talk. The present is theirs. I work for the future. And the future is mine.

===[[w:Fugitive of the Judoon (Doctor Who)|Fugitive of the Judoon]] (12.5)===
:''[The Doctor at the TARDIS controls, looking serious. Her companions watch from the steps nearby.]''
:'''Ryan''': She's doing it again. Spending hours at the controls looking for something. Thinks we haven't noticed.
:'''Graham''': I'll ask her. ''[Calls out louder]'' Hey, Doc, what you looking for?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[looks up surprised]'' How long have you been there?
:'''Yaz''': Twenty minutes.
:'''The Doctor''': You haven't.
:'''Ryan''': What you looking for?
:'''The Doctor''': Not looking for anything.
:'''Yaz''': Don't lie to us.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[After a pause]'' The Master
:'''Graham''': Why would you do that?
:'''Yaz''': The Kasaavin took him.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. They transported him to their dimension and I can't get there in the TARDIS, but I thought... if he escaped I could track him. There's no sign. 
:'''Ryan''': I thought he'd be that last person you'd wanna see.
:'''The Doctor''': He left a message for me. 
:'''Graham''': Saying what?
:'''The Doctor''': It's personal.
:'''Yaz''': Is that where you go? When you leave us to explore and you say you'll be back in an hour but you never are? Are you out looking for him? Where do you go?
:'''The Doctor''': Home. On my own.
:'''Yaz''': Why? Why not with us?
:'''The Doctor''': Cuz you ask too many questions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor has just found a buried TARDIS]''
:'''Ruth''': You're probably a bit confused right now. I broke the glass. It's all come back to me. 
:'''The Doctor''': This. What is this?
:'''Ruth''': That's my ship.
:'''The Doctor''': What?
:'''Ruth''': Let me take it from the top. Hello, I'm The Doctor. I'm a traveler in space and time, and that thing buried down there is called a TARDIS... You're gonna love this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Stop... Who are you, really? Truly?
:'''Ruth''': I told you, love, I'm the Doctor.
:'''The Doctor''': You can't be.
:'''Ruth''': Yeah? And why's that?
:'''The Doctor''': Because I'm The Doctor. 
:'''Ruth''': You have got to be kidding me! Really?
:'''The Doctor''': Yes, really!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After The Doctor reveals that both she and Ruth are The Doctor to Gat.]''
:'''Ruth''': Is there even a word for how dumb you are?
:'''The Doctor''': &quot;Doctor&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Learning that Gat is from Gallifrey]''
:'''The Doctor''': Both of you can only be my past. But that's impossible because I know my own past- I lived through it. All of it. 
:'''Ruth''': You're wrong.
:'''The Doctor''': I'm not wrong! I've seen Gallifrey destroyed. Twice. First by war, second by a lunatic who I'm still trying to find. In my time, Gallifrey doesn't exist. It's gone! Forever. And if you don't know that, you're in my past. So you are only serving for the glory of ash and bone.

===[[w:Praxeus | Praxeus]] (12.6)===
:'''Suki Cheng:''' We call the infection Praxeus. Trust me: it's smart, it's relentless... and it knows you're onto it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' Planet Earth. Seven billion lives. Separate and connected, from the edge of the atmosphere to the depths of the ocean.

===[[w:Can You Hear Me? (Doctor Who)| Can you Hear Me?]] (12.7)===
:'''Rakaya:''' Can you hear me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' Okay, not the exact right time. 77 minutes out. Late.
:'''Yaz:''' ''What!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rakaya:''' Two creatures from another realm descended onto a universe, where they were worshipped as gods. They saw two planets and laid a wager. Which of them could bring a planet to destruction first? The gods set to their game, sowing chaos through the populations. Wars began, between species, then between the planets themselves. The gods delighted in the carnage. It passed the time. But slowly, the inhabitants of the world grew wise, realised what these creatures had done to them. They unified and fought back against their so-called gods. They set their own planets into a collision course and at the heart of the collision, they laid a prison. They trapped one creature between the planets for eternity. The other fled, vowing to return to release his eternal partner. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' (''after Rakaya and Zellin are defeated'') Gods back in their box!

===[[w:The Haunting of Villa Diodati (Doctor Who)| The Haunting of Villa Diodati]] (12.8)===
:'''Yaz''': Doctor? What are you doing? Where are going?
:'''Mary Shelley''': You're not leaving us!?
:'''The Doctor''': I have to find out what he's looking for. Alone.
:'''Yaz''': You need back up! All of us against one!
:'''The Doctor''': One Cyberman but then thousands. Humans like all of you changed into empty, soulless shells. No feeling, no control, no way back. I will not [[w:Bill Potts (Doctor Who)| lose anyone else to that!
]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Last Cyberman''': You appear courageous but your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety.
:'''The Doctor''': Or as I like to call it, Tuesday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Shelley's only one life against all those others.
:'''The Doctor''': But is he, Ryan? His thoughts, his words, inspire and influence thousands for centuries. If he dies now, who knows what damage that will have on future history? Words matter! One death, one ripple, and history will change in a blink. The future will not be the world you know. The world you came from, the world you were created in, won't exist, so neither will you. It's not just his life at stake, it's yours. You want to sacrifice yourself for this? You want me to sacrifice you? You want to call it? Do it now. All of you. ''[None of the companions respond]'' Yeah. Cos sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit in the stratosphere. Alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now or tomorrow. Sometimes, even I can't win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': You saved Shelley, but what does that mean for the future?
:'''The Doctor''': It means I put it in the gravest danger.
:'''Ryan''': Please, tell me that was part of the plan.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. A last-minute, imperfect, all-I've-got plan. Saving Shelley was step one.
:'''Yaz''': What's step two?
:'''The Doctor''': Fix the mess I created in step one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Byron''': ''(reading his poem &quot;Darkness.&lt;ref&gt;[https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43825/darkness-56d222aeeee1b]&lt;/ref&gt;)'' The world was void, the populous and the powerful was a lump, seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless — a lump of death — a chaos of hard clay. Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea, and their masts fell down piecemeal: as they dropp'd they slept on the abyss without a surge — the waves were dead; the tides were in their grave, The moon, their mistress, had expir'd before; the winds were wither'd in the stagnant air, and the clouds perish'd; darkness had no need of aid from them — she was the Universe.

===[[w:Ascension of the Cybermen (Doctor Who)| Ascension of the Cybermen]] (12.9)===
:'''Ashad''': You show courage. But you are a liar. So few of you now. Should I let you live? You could tell the tale. Speak of their deaths. Of my power. To every other species.Spread my message. Tell them: be afraid. All humanity has been erased. All life will fall. And the Cybermen will rise again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ashad''': We know where you are. We will find you.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah, yeah. Have you not asked that great slab of Cyber AI you absorbed, about me? I’m the Doctor. Consult the Cyberium, mate. I have stopped you lot so many times before. And I'll do it again. Time after time after time.
:'''Ashad''': No. The Cyberium does know you. Both you, and humanity, will be destroyed. And I shall bring the Cyber race to its greatest ever glory.
:'''The Doctor''': Quite a grudge you have against humanity. Especially considering you used to be one.
:'''Ashad''': When the glorious Cyber Empire arrived, I was a willing recruit. But as I took my rightful place, as I began my blessed ascension I was denied. At first I cursed myself. Hid in the shadows, ashamed. But now, I understand. I was not discarded.I was chosen. To revive the glory of the Cyber race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': Good entrance, am I right? Be afraid, Doctor. Because everything is about to change. Forever.

===[[w:The Timeless Children|The Timeless Children]] (12.10)===
:(''Inside the Matrix'')
:'''The Doctor''': What happened to the Child!?
:'''The Master''': Oh Doctor, really? Haven't you worked this out yet? The child is you. ''You'' are the Timeless Child.
:'''The Doctor''': No. No, I'm not.
:'''The Master''': You always have been.
:'''The Doctor''': Can't be...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruth!Doctor''': Get out of here. I know the Matrix has blown your mind... maybe you could return the compliment. (''vanishes'')
:'''The Doctor''': No, wait. Are you still there? Of course she's still there. If you were me, you're buried within me, buried within... Too many thoughts. All right, first things first, what did she say? Mind blown. Yes! Of course! All this history, all these lies, it's too much stimulus. It might work. I've fought the Matrix before, denied its reality, I can do it again. Maybe. Well, you know what they say, Doctor, nothing ventured, nothing blown. Oh! I'm talking to myself again. That's a good sign. Thanks, Doctor. Still here. No, shut up, I need to concentrate. Er... All right. Have a blast of this, Matrix.
:(''Fast sequences of images: The Master, Ashad and his Cyberguards, herself absorbing the Cyberium and Team TARDIS, Rakaya, Gat, the Fugitive Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness, herself running from Praxeus infected birds, Nikola Tesla and the Queen of the Skithra, a Dreg, the TARDIS beside the ruined Capitol, a Kasaavin, the reconnaissance scout Dalek, the Ux, the Solitract as Grace O'Brien and Team TARDIS in the fjord, a Morax and herself chained down, Umbreen and Prem's wedding, a Kerb!am Man, the Pting, giant spider's webs, Rosa Parks, the TARDIS and remnants on Desolation, Tzim-Sha, herself choosing an outfit, Davros, Rose Tyler, the Sycorax Leader, Donna Noble, a Slitheen, Amy Pond, the Abzorbaloff, River Song, a scarecrow, Wilfred Mott, Clara Oswald, General Staal, Bill Potts, an Ood, Martha Jones, Mickey Smith, the Empress of the Racnoss, Rory Williams, Jatt of the Sisters of Plenitude, Sarah Jane Smith, the Twelfth, Eleventh, Tenth, Ninth, War, Eighth, Seventh, Sixth, Fifth, Fourth, Third, Second and First Doctors, a Sea Devil, the Master, Sil, Missy, Sharaz Jek, an Auton, the Master, a Voc robot, the Master, Sutekh, an Ogron, the Master, the Master, Scaroth, the Timeless Child's incarnations, the Morbius Doctors, Brendan and the Fugitive Doctor, and the Matrix explodes.'')

==[[w:Revolution of the Daleks|Revolution of the Daleks]]==

==''Series 13'' / ''Flux''==
===[[w:The Halloween Apocalypse|Chapter One: The Halloween Apocalypse]]===
===[[w:War of the Sontarans|Chapter Two: War of the Sontarans]]===
:'''Mary Seacole''': Where are we going?
:'''The Doctor''': [[w:The Charge of the Light Brigade (poem)|Half a league onwards]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': [[w:Hit the Road Jack|Hit the road, Skaak]]

===[[w:Once, Upon Time|Chapter Three: Once, Upon Time]]===
:'''The Doctor''': What do you want?
:'''Swarm''': [[Paradise Lost#Book I|To reign in hell.]]

===[[w:Village of the Angels|Chapter Four: Village of the Angels]]===

===[[w:Survivors of the Flux|Chapter Five: Survivors of the Flux]]===

===[[w:The Vanquishers|Chapter Six: The Vanquishers]]===

==''[[w: Eve of the Daleks | Eve of the Daleks]]''==

==''[[w: Legend of the Sea Devils | Legend of the Sea Devils]]''==
:'''The Doctor''': Sea Devil.
:'''Chief Sea Devil''': Land Parasite!
:'''The Doctor''': All right, let's not get into the name-calling! How would you prefer to be addressed?
:'''Chief Sea Devil''': Where is it?
:'''The Doctor''': Mister Where-Is-It? Lord Where-Is-It?

==''[[w: The Power of the Doctor | The Power of the Doctor]]''==

:'''Holographic Fugitive Doctor''': So... it was just the genetic material you put into them, was it? Maybe you should have included the brains. Next time, check for signs of a hologram. Schoolboy error. But then you were a rubbish schoolboy, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': If you're a friend of the Doctor's, you aren't going to use that.
:''[Vinder shoots him in the shoulder.]''
:'''Vinder''': I'm freelance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': You lost. You gambled, and you lost. And now your body's failing because of what you put it through.
:'''The Master''': Maybe... But if I can't be the Doctor... ''Neither can you.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''First Doctor''': Well. You’re obviously one of the more determined of us. Hm?
:'''The Doctor''': I'm sorry?
:'''First Doctor''': You refused to pass through. Quite the strength of character, this incarnation.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': The question is, what are we going to do about it now?
:'''The Doctor''': Do about what?
:'''Sixth Doctor''': Our predicament. This is supposed to get handed on - you can’t just ruin it for the next one. And you were doing so well.
:'''The Doctor''': Um - where am I, exactly? Cos the last thing I remember, is being forced to regenerate.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': That’s why we’re here. To stop you moving through any further. You’re not finished. We are not finished.
:'''The Doctor''': We being?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': The Doctor.
:'''Fifth Doctor''': Vestiges of your consciousness.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': Fragments of yourself.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': From the past.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': Guardians of the Edge.
:'''The Doctor''': Why are you not-?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': I don't do robes.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': There's always one. Has to be different.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': I’m a manifestation of our consciousness. I can wear what I like.
:'''The Doctor''': Could we just focus on this? Whatever this is. You said Guardians of the Edge. The edge of what?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': Existence.
:'''Fifth Doctor''': It’s symbolic, obviously. Consciousness will do that. But this is the place you pass through, during the process of regeneration. Go past here, there’s no way back.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': But time’s running out. We cannot let the Master permanently hijack our existence.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. Very aware of that. But I’m thinking, in the immediate aftermath of regeneration, the body’s weak. Unstable, while it
reforms.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': Ah good, yes! Even more so, with a forced regeneration.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': So until it’s settled, he may be vulnerable. We’d need help on the outside. But that’s easier said than done.
:'''The Doctor''': Unless one of us, or all of us, was very clever. I mean, that’s why you’ve manifested here, to remind me: there’s always a way. Things will work out. Right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': A wise person once said to me... goodbyes only hurt because what came before was so special. Oh, and it's been so special. You... and Graham...and Ryan... and Dan. Nobody else got to be us. Nobody else got to live our days. Nobody. And my hearts are so full of love of all of you. Oh, I have loved being with you, Yaz. And I have loved being me. I think I need to do this next bit alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': ''[last words]'' The blossomiest blossom... That's the only sad thing; I wanna know what happens next! Right then. Doctor whoever-I'm-about-to-be... Tag! You're it.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://blogtorwho.com/jodie-whittakers-first-interview-announcement-13th-doctor/ &quot;Jodie Whittaker's First Interview after her Announcement as the 13th Doctor&quot;]

[[Category:Doctor Who|* 13th Doctor]]
[[Category:Fictional characters]]</text>
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      <text bytes="43631" sha1="90om2rg4k7llb5azazvut3nq2j9i0sp" xml:space="preserve">{{Doctor Who}}
[[File:Jodie Whittaker by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I [[know]] exactly who I am. I’m [[the Doctor]]. Sorting out fair play throughout the [[universe]].]]

{{Template:Checkcopyright}}
{{quotation limit|type=tv|length=60 min}}
This page is a collection of quotations from the era of the [[w:Thirteenth Doctor|thirteenth official incarnation]] of [[The Doctor|the Doctor]] from the BBC science fiction television programme ''[[Doctor Who]]'', portrayed by British actor [[w:Jodie Whittaker|Jodie Whittaker]].

== ''Series 10'' ==
===[[wikipedia:Twice Upon a Time (Doctor Who)|''Twice Upon a Time'']] [10.X]===
:&lt;small&gt;(25 December 2017)&lt;/small&gt;

:'''The Doctor''': ''[Seeing her new face.]'' Oh, brilliant!

== ''Series 11'' ==

=== [[w:The Woman Who Fell to Earth|The Woman Who Fell to Earth]] (11.1) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(7 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''Yazmin Khan:''' Hold on there please, madam, I need you to do what I say. This could be a potential crime scene.
:'''The Doctor:''' Why are you calling me “madam”?
:'''Yaz:''' …Because you’re a woman. 
:'''The Doctor:''' Am I? Does it suit me? 
:'''Yaz:''' What?
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, yeah! I remember. Sorry, half an hour ago I was a [[Twelfth Doctor|white-haired Scotsman]]. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Don't panic. Not the end of the world. Well, it could be the end of the world, but one thing at a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' I reformatted your phone.
:'''Ryan:''' No! All my stuff’s on there.
:'''The Doctor:''' (''grinning'') Not anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Climbing up a crane to save Karl from Tzim-Sha'']
:'''Yaz:''' What do we do when we get up there?
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.
:'''Yaz:''' Really?
:'''The Doctor:''' Well, I will have by the time we get to the top. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' A Stenza warrior wears his conquests. You may tell your children you were once privileged to encounter Tzim-Sha of the Stenza.
:'''The Doctor:''' (confused) Tim Shaw?
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' Tzim-Sha.
:'''The Doctor:''' Tim Shaw?
:'''Tzim-Sha:''' Tzim-Sha! Soon to be leader of the Stenza warrior race, conquerors of the Nine Systems.
:'''The Doctor:''' When you say soon to be leader, what are you now, the office junior?
:'''Graham:''' Eh? No, don't wind him up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' Have you got family?
:'''The Doctor:''' No. Lost them a long time ago.
:'''Ryan:''' How'd you cope with that?
:'''The Doctor:''' I carry them with me. What they would have thought, and said, and done. Make them a part of who I am. So even though they’re gone from the world, they’re never gone from me.

=== [[wikipedia:The Ghost Monument|The Ghost Monument]] (11.2) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(7 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''The Doctor''': Oh, by the way, welcome to what I presume is your first alien planet! Don't touch anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': [''lending her sunglasses to Graham''] Like an old pair of mine. I say mine — I can’t remember who I borrowed them off now. It was either [[Audrey Hepburn]] or [[Pythagoras]].
:'''Graham:''' Eh? Pythagoras never wore shades.
:'''The Doctor:''' Obviously you never saw him with a hangover.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Hologram. Thought it might be. Good one, though. I love a good hologram. I was a hologram once. For three weeks. The gossip I picked up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Epzo:''' I don’t need other people.
:'''Graham:''' We all need other people, mate.
:'''Epzo:''' We’re all alone. That’s how we start, and end, and its the natural state of all points in between.
:'''Graham:''' Were you born that miserable, or did you have to work at it?
:'''Epzo:''' You know, when I was four my mum told me to climb a tree. She made me climb until I was too scared to climb any higher. Then she told me to jump into her arms. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m your mum. I’m here for you. I’ll catch you.” So I jumped. And she moved out of the way. 
:'''Graham:''' What?
:'''Yaz:''' Sorry, did you say your mum did this to you?
:'''Epzo:''' Smashed into the ground, smashed this arm, shattered that ankle. And she stood over me and she said, “Now you’ve learned. You can never trust anyone in this life.”
:'''Ryan:''' That is messed up.
:'''Epzo:''' Best thing she ever did for me. I loved my mum.
:'''Graham:''' [''sarcastically''] Yeah, she sounds terrific. 
:'''The Doctor:''' Your mum was wrong. We’re stronger together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Now do you see why I don’t like guns?
:'''Ryan:''' Don’t go on about it.
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, I will go on about it! A lot.

=== [[wikipedia:Rosa (Doctor Who)|Rosa]] (11.3) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(21 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:''[After finding out the TARDIS has taken them to 1955 Montgomery, Alabama]''
:'''Graham:''' 1955? Elvis, can we see Elvis?
:'''The Doctor:''' I think he’s in New York this week. I could give him a call. 
:'''Graham:''' You haven’t got Elvis’s phone number.
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t ever tell anyone I lent him a mobile phone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waitress:''' We don’t serve Negroes. 
:'''Ryan:''' Good. 'Cause I don't eat them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While opening a mysterious suitcase]''
:'''The Doctor:''' Is anyone excited? 'Cause I'm really excited.
:'''Graham:''' You won't be if it's a bomb.
:'''The Doctor:''' Don't kill the vibe, Graham. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''While brainstorming, the Doctor begins to write on a motel wall with a pen.'']
:'''Graham:''' Oi, whoah, whoah, whoah! What are you doing? That is vandalism. We’ll have to pay for that!
:'''The Doctor:''' Don’t worry, special pen.
:'''Graham:''' No! Pack it in. You ain’t [[Banksy]].
:'''The Doctor:''' Or am I?
:[''The Doctor quickly uses her “special pen” to get rid of the writing on the motel wall before a police officer enters the room.'']
:'''The Doctor:''' Banksy doesn’t have one of those… Or have I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' Everything here is a fight for you. Don’t you get tired? What keeps you going?
:'''Rosa Parks:''' The promise of tomorrow. When today isn’t working, tomorrow is what you have.

=== [[wikipedia:Arachnids in the UK|Arachnids in the UK]] (11.4) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(28 October 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:[''After the Doctor has gotten Yaz, Ryan, and Graham home safely and is preparing to leave.'']
:'''Yaz:''' What are you gonna do now?
:'''The Doctor:''' Oh, you know, back in the box. There's loads to see.
:'''Yaz:''' By yourself?
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[sadly]'' Yeah, I suppose.
:'''Yaz:''' Do you want to come for tea at mine?
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[suddenly brightens]'' Definitely! Yes I would! Thanks. I love tea. Tea at Yaz's? Amazing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' Ooh, fun fact: If you weave dragline spider silk as thick as a pencil, it’s strong enough to stop a plane in flight.
:'''Graham:''' You're kidding!
:'''The Doctor:''' I'm not! I’ve had to deal with it. Well, me and [[Amelia Earhart]]. You'd like her, she’s a right laugh. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' ''[Showing Psychic Paper]'' Crisis Investigators. You just ran really quickly out of a room looking really scared. Tell me exactly what's going on, omitting no detail, no matter how strange.
:'''Jack Robertson:''' A giant spider just smashed through my bathtub and took out my bodyguard, Kevin.
:'''The Doctor:''' Right. Very succinct summary, well done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz:''' ''[To The Doctor]'' So, what do we do?
:'''Jack Robertson:''' Why are you asking her?
:'''Ryan:''' 'cause she's in charge, bro.
:'''Jack Robertson:''' Says who?
:'''Graham, Yaz &amp; Ryan:''' Says us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' I eat danger for breakfast. I don’t, I prefer cereal. Or croissants. Or those little fried Portuguese—never mind, it's not important.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''As the Doctor opens a locked door leading to a tunnel under Jack Robertson’s hotel''] 
:'''Jack Robertson:''' You are not authorized to go in here!
:'''The Doctor:''' Dude, I’ve all the authorization I ever need. [''To Yaz''] I call people “dude” now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' You see, Doc, the thing about grief is it needs time, and… Well, I don’t want to sit around my house waiting for it to go away, 'cause that house is full of Grace, and it makes it so much harder. But, um, being with you and seeing all these things… it really helps.

=== [[wikipedia:The Tsuranga Conundrum|The Tsuranga Conundrum]] (11.5) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(3 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''The Doctor''': Pick a number between 1 and 100.
:'''Yaz''': 51.
:'''The Doctor''': Pentagonal number. Interesting. ''[She sonics a bomb]'' Get in that corner.
:'''Yaz''': What was the number for?
:'''The Doctor''': Number of seconds before the bomb goes off. I moved it forward a bit.
:'''Yaz''': What?! I would've gone higher!
:'''The Doctor''': Good number, 51! Atomic number of antimony. Number of Federalist Papers written by Alexander Hamilton. I love [[Hamilton (musical)|that show]], I've seen all 900 casts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yaz''': I'm really trusting you on this bomb, but I don't know what you're doing.
:'''The Doctor''': Think of the Pting as a mouse and the bomb as a piece of cheese.
:'''Yaz''': A very large piece of cheese about to explode and take us all with it!
:'''The Doctor''': It's not a perfect analogy, I'll admit. You could've picked a bigger number!

=== [[wikipedia:Demons of the Punjab|Demons of the Punjab]] (11.6) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(11 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:'''Doctor''': I need oil, water, tree bark, a saucepan, nine containers, an old newspaper, a touch of ox spit, a chicken poo, and a biscuit.
:'''Ryan''': Bagsy not chicken poo!
:'''Graham''': Why a biscuit?
:'''The Doctor''': I love biscuits!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Did you hear the noises in the valley in the night?
:'''Prem''':The violence is getting closer
:'''Ryan''': Who's doing this stuff?
:'''Prem''' Ordinary people who've lived here all their lives, whipped into a frenzy to be part of a mob. There's nothing worse than when ordinary people lose their minds. We've lived together for decades, Hindu, Muslim and Sikh, and now we're being told that our differences are more important than what unites us. Like we learned nothing in the war. I don't know how we protect people when hatred's coming from all sides.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': Well all we can strive to be.. is good men. And you Prem, are a good man.

=== [[wikipedia:Kerblam!|Kerblam!]] (11.7) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(18 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:''[The TARDIS is in the middle of traveling through space.]''
:'''The Doctor:''' Hold on!
:'''Yasmin:''' We are holding on!
:'''The Doctor:''' Well, hold on tighter!
:'''Graham:''' Can you do something about this turbulence?
:'''The Doctor:''' I'm avoiding something. Aargh; can't get the hang of these new systems!
:'''Yasmin:''' What is it?
:'''The Doctor:''' No. It's still coming for us. ''[She takes a closer look.]'' Oh. It's a teleport pulse!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Kerblam delivery robot materializes into the TARDIS, holding a package.]''
:'''Delivery Robot:''' Delivery for the Doctor.
:'''The Doctor:''' Ha! It's the Kerblam Man!
:'''Yasmin:''' It's the what?
:'''The Doctor:''' The Kerblam Man!
:'''Graham:''' You're just making sounds now!
:''[Delivery Robot hands the package to the Doctor.]''
:'''Delivery Robot:''' Delivery fulfilled. And remember, if you want it, Kerblam it!
:'''Graham:''' Space postman. I've seen it all now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jarva Slade''': How would you like a warning for insubordination?
:'''The Doctor''': I'd love one! I could add it to my collection.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Charlie''': We can't let the systems take control!
:'''The Doctor''': The systems aren't the problem. How people use and exploit the system — that's the problem.  People like you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Twirly, I need your help.
:'''Twirly''': Sleep mode: off. Hello again. Customers with your current medical symptoms browsed blood pressure medication.

=== [[wikipedia:The Witchfinders|The Witchfinders]] (11.8) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(25 November 2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

:[''A witch trial is taking place.'']
:'''Yaz''': We've gotta do something, Doctor.
:'''Graham''': The Doc said don't interfere. You said don't interfere, right?
:[''The Doctor jumps into the river to try to save the woman being ducked.'']
:'''Ryan''': So much for not interfering.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Becka''': As King James has written in his new Bible, &quot;Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.&quot; 
:'''The Doctor''': In the Old Testament. There's a twist in the sequel: &quot;Love thy neighbour&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': These ''are'' hard times for women! If we're not being drowned, we're being patronised to death!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King James''': What do you know of my mother?
:'''The Doctor''': You could have seen her before she died, but you didn't want to. Why?
:'''King James''': She left me. When I was not even one year old. What kind of mother does that? Why would I wish to see her?
:'''The Doctor''': Nobody will ever know why she left you, James. But you can't go hurting people just because you're scared to face up to the darkness inside you. You have to be better than that.
:'''King James''': Who are you? How do you know these things?
:'''The Doctor''': I know, because we're all the same. We want certainty. Security. To believe that people are evil or heroic. But that's not how people are. You want to know the secrets of existence? Start with the mysteries of the heart. I can show you everything if you stop being afraid of what you don't understand, if you trust me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Becka''': Do you know why the ducking stool was invented, Doctor? To silence foolish women who talked too much.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah, I did know that. Which is daft, cos talking's brilliant.

=== [[wikipedia:It Takes You Away|It Takes You Away]] (11.9) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(2 December 2018) &lt;/small&gt;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' Nice Fjord! That is a fjord innit? Got your bearings yet, doc?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[Tasting soil]'' Norway. Definitely Norway. One of the frilly bits at the top.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham:''' D'you think it's safe?
:'''The Doctor''': I doubt it. It's a juddering dimensional portal in a mirror in a Norwegian bedroom. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': You want the whole universe. Someone who has seen it all, and that's me. I've lived longer, seen more, loved more, and lost more. I can share it all with you, anything you want to know about what you never had. Cause he's an idiot with a daughter who needs him. So let him go, and I will give you everything.

=== [[wikipedia:The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos|The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos]] (11.10) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(9 December 2018) &lt;/small&gt;

:'''Graham''': I need to be honest with you, because I am really grateful for everything you've done for me. Well, for us, you know. Everywhere we've been, all the adventures. Been amazing. But if that is the creature from Sheffield, I will kill it, if I can, for what it did to Grace.
:'''The Doctor''': Go back to the TARDIS, Graham.
:'''Graham''': Nah.
:'''The Doctor''': I won't let you do that.
:'''Graham''': You ain't gonna have a say in it.
:'''The Doctor''': You're better than this. You are. You have to be. If you kill him, I can't have you travel with me. That's if you even live.
:'''Graham''': I understand.
:'''The Doctor''': No, you don't. We're gonna rescue hostages. Anything that compromises them is dangerous. And if you kill him, you become the same as him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Tim Shaw. How long's it been?
:'''Tzim-Sha''': Three thousand four hundred and seven years.
:'''The Doctor''': I bet the seven really dragged. So, what happened to you?
:''[Tzim-Sha removes his mask, revealing that he's still got loads of teeth embedded in his face]''
:'''Tzim-Sha''': You did. You corrupted my recall device, banishing me across the universe to this desolate rock for the rest of my existence, unable to leave without dying. This was my curse, for failure. Or so you thought. I arrived, on the verge of death, racked by the DNA bombs.
:'''The Doctor''': But you got more than you could possibly have wished for. The Ux.
:'''Tzim-Sha''': The Universe provides.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': None of us know for sure what's out there. That's why we keep looking. Keep your faith. Travel hopefully. The universe will surprise you, constantly.

=== [[w:Resolution (Doctor Who)|Resolution]] (11.X) ===
:&lt;small&gt;(1 January 2019) &lt;/small&gt;

:''[Arriving at Graham's house, the Doctor leaves the TARDIS and steps on pieces of a broken chair.]''
:'''The Doctor''': Whoops.
:'''Graham''': You've landed on my chair.
:'''The Doctor''': Sorry.
:'''Graham''': You broke my chair.
:'''The Doctor''': Well, if you ''will'' leave chairs around the place,...
:'''Graham''': This is my front room!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': Be gentle. He's been through a lot.
:'''Aaron Sinclair''': I know.
:'''Graham''': ''No.'' You have ''no'' idea.
:'''Aaron''': I just want... me and him to be a family again.
:'''Graham''': Family isn't just about DNA, Aaron. Or a name. It's about what you do. And ''you'' haven't done enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aaron''': What do you need me to say? Hmm? 'Cause I want to say it.
:'''Ryan''': Okay. You say &quot;Ryan,... I'm sorry. I've messed up. I am never good enough. I've let you down. A ''lot''. And I always made life hard for you. And if it meant that, over the years, you ever felt lonely, or abandoned, or didn't know where to turn, or who to talk to, or how to be, then I'm sorry. 'Cause...'cause you mustn't ever think that you didn't deserve my love.&quot;
:'''Aaron''': You didn't ever think that.
:''[Ryan scoffs.]''
:'''Aaron''': Yeah. Why wouldn't you?.... Okay. Listen. Here's what you find out when you get older. There's things you done in your life... to others. The decisions you've made... maybe when... things were difficult... you get it wrong. But by the time you realize you got it wrong,... it's too late. You can't fix it because the damage is done. So you ''run''. 'Cause you're too ashamed... to make it right. That's what I did.
:'''Ryan''': No. You hid when I needed ya. First Mum. Then Nan.
:'''Aaron''': I'm not hiding anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dalek''': Earth is now under the control of the Daleks.
:'''The Doctor''': No. It's not. You couldn't even control one person.
:'''Dalek''': Humanity will surrender.
:'''The Doctor''': It really won't. Trust me. I've seen them in action. They fall off so many things, including the ''worst'' of their own people. They're really something. Have you not worked that out yet? Even the recon scout Dalek, the first ones out of Skaro. Humanity bands together, vanquishes you, and buries you for centuries.
:'''Dalek''': Yet I survived.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah. You're good at that. But it won't be enough.
:'''Dalek''': This planet is annexed. The fleet will be summoned.
:'''The Doctor''': You don't have the ability. You don't have the strength.
:'''Dalek''': You are weak. Humanity is weak.
:'''The Doctor''': Except... I'm not human. Have a scan.
:''[The Dalek scans the Doctor and discovers she has two hearts.]''
:'''Dalek''': ''[recoiling]'' Who are you? Identify
:'''The Doctor''': Oh, mate. I'm the Doctor. Ring any bells?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Come on then, you lot. Places to go.
:'''Yaz''': When you say &quot;Places to go&quot;,... where're you thinking? Where to next?
:'''The Doctor''': I was thinking... Everywhere.

== ''Series 12'' ==
===[[w:Spyfall (Doctor Who)|Spyfall, Part 1]] (12.1)===
:''[MI6 chief &quot;C&quot; brings the Doctor and company to an unconscious agent in a hospital bed at MI6 HQ]''
:'''C''': She was found unconscious on the floor of an aeroplane washroom on a flight to Tokyo. She'd made pre-arranged contact with an informant.
:'''Yaz''': Is she in a coma?
:'''C''': Apparently, it's a little more horrific than that. ''[hands the Doctor a tablet]'' Now, I'm told this is ''your'' expertise - dealing with the impossible.
:'''The Doctor''': You're right. It ''is'' impossible. Her DNA's been rewritten, every strand corrupted and reshaped. She's no longer human - just a shell with a human appearance.
:'''Graham''': Is she gonna live, Doc?
:'''The Doctor''': There's nothing of her ''to'' live. It's like she's been erased. This is beyond any human technology.
:'''C''': Ah... I was rather worried you were gonna say that. Doctor, the security of this entire planet is at stake. ''Can we rely on you?''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Aboard Daniel Barton's private jet]''
:'''The Doctor''': Never been good at sprinting?
:'''O''': I was the last one in every race at school.
:'''The Doctor''': No no no, I read your file. You were a champion sprinter.
:'''O''': ''[thinks for a moment... then smiles]'' Got me. Well done.
:'''Graham''': What's going on, Doc?
:'''The Doctor''': I don't know.
:'''O''': You'd best take a look out the window.
:''[They do so, seeing O's house flying next to them]''
:'''Graham''': How is your house out there?
:'''O''': It's all a bit [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wicked Witch of the West]], but you get the gist. Maybe. Maybe not. Oh come on, Doctor, catch up. You can do it.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[shocked]'' Ohhh...
:'''O''': ''[laughs gleefully]'' That's my name, and ''that'' is why I chose it. So satisfying! Doctor, I ''did'' say, &quot;Look for the spymaster&quot;. Or should I say, spy... [[Master (Doctor Who)|Master]]? ''[gives a little wave]'' Hi.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[horrified]'' You can't be.
:'''The Master''': Oh, I can be. I very much am.

===[[w:Spyfall (Doctor Who)|Spyfall, Part 2]] (12.2)===
:'''The Master''': When I arrange for your death, I expect you to ''stay'' dead. How did you escape? How did you end up here?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[realizing]'' Ah... you don't know. You're not in control of those creatures. I bet you don't even know what they are.
:'''The Master''': They're called the Kasaavin, and we have interests in common.
:'''The Doctor''': You, Barton, and a race you barely know. That's one uneasy alliance. Trust each other, do ya?
:'''The Master''': Oh, completely. By the way, I bring news from home.
:'''[[Ada Lovelace|Ada]]''': Down, Doctor! ''[uses the steam machine gun to fire at the Master]''
:'''Inventor''': This is not designed for use by a young lady!
:'''Ada''': Nothing is! And yet, I find myself more than capable! ''[fires off several more shots, hitting the Master in the arm]'' All of you, out!
:'''The Doctor''': Ada, I really do not approve!
:'''The Master''': Run all you like, Doctor! You won't get far without a TARDIS!
:'''The Doctor''': Don't have a TARDIS. ''[Ada pulls the pin on a grenade and hurls it at the Master, forcing him to dodge]'' Do have an Ada.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor and the Master have agreed to meet at the top of the Eiffel Tower.]
:'''The Doctor''': It's cold up here... It's worse than [[w: Logopolis | Jodrell Bank!]]
:'''The Master''': Did I ever apologize for that?
:'''The Doctor''': No.
:'''The Master''': Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': I'm not sure how to describe what I found... Pulverized? Burned? Nuked? All of the above. Someone destroyed it. Our ''home'', razed to the ground. Everyone killed. Everything burned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor returns to Gallifrey, only to find it burning; as she sits in despair in her TARDIS, she receives a message...]''
:'''The Master''': If you're seeing this, you've been to Gallifrey. When I said &quot;someone&quot; did that, obviously I meant... I did. I had to make them pay for what I discovered. They lied to us. The founding fathers of Gallifrey... everything we were told was a lie. We're not who we think. You or I, the whole existence of our species, built on the lie of the Timeless Child.
:''[The Doctor winces in pain as she experiences strange flashbacks]''
:'''The Master''': Do you see it? It's buried deep in all our memories, in our identity. ''[sighs]'' I'd tell you more, but... ''[bitterly]'' But why would I make it easy for you? It wasn't for me.

===[[w:Orphan 55 (Doctor Who)|Orphan 55]] (12.3)===
:'''The Doctor''': Fighting with the vending machine?
:'''Ryan''': No, it just gave me an electric shock.
:''[The Doctor checks his palm. There's something moving under the skin]''
:'''The Doctor''': That's not a shock. It's a hopper virus. This machine's sick and it just passed its virus onto you.
:'''Ryan''': How did I get a virus the same as a vending machine? I'm not a machine.
:'''The Doctor''': Hoppers are multi-platform. They'll go for anything. Don't pick at it!
:''[The hopper heads up Ryan's arm]''
:'''Ryan''': Oh, did it just go through me?
:'''The Doctor''': It's moving deeper inside you to mutate into your nervous system.
:'''Ryan''': What? 
:'''The Doctor''': Important not to panic. Humans always have the same reaction to a hopper virus. First you get the wiggly fingers, which is a warning the legs are about to go. ''[Catches Ryan as he falls]'' Luckily, this is where my hopper first-aid training kicks in. Need to get rid of these. ''[Opens the packet of snacks and empties its contents on the floor]'' Then pinch your ear! ''[Does so]''
:'''Ryan''': Ow!
:'''The Doctor''': Then you're going to sneeze!
:'''Ryan''': ''[Sneezes]''
:''[The Doctor catches the hopper in the packet]''
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. Now suck your thumb until the hallucinations stop. And remember, they're not real bats. ''[Helps Ryan to his feet]''
:''[Ryan begins flailing at the invisible bats]''
:'''The Doctor''': He's fine. He's fine.
:'''Ryan''': Make the bats go away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vilma''': (''last words'') Hey! Over here! Which one of you hurt my Benni!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Look, I know what you're thinking, but it's one possible future. It's one timeline. You want me to tell you that Earth's going to be okay? Cos I can't. In your time, humanity is busy arguing over the washing-up while the house burns down. Unless people face facts and change, catastrophe is coming. But it's not decided. You know that. The future is not fixed. It depends on billions of decisions, and actions, and people stepping up. Humans. I think you forget how powerful you are. Lives change worlds. People can save planets, or wreck them. That's the choice. Be the best of humanity. Or...
:''[Be the dregs of humanity...]''

===[[w:Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror (Doctor Who)|Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror]] (12.4)===
:'''The Doctor''': ''[bursting in on two people hiding behind crates]'' Oh. Hi. I don't suppose you've seen anything weird around here? ''[is shot at]'' Agh! I'll take that as a yes. Mind if I join you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': I was at home- you know, normal life, work- then, boom- the Doctor. Changed me whole life.
:'''Dorothy''': I was the same, before I met Mr. Tesla. I wanted my own career, something steady. Then he showed me all these discoveries that could be made. But it seemed like impossible things that could be made. And now, something normal, steady...
:'''Ryan''': Doesn't seem so important?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nikola Tesla''': You must all go, let them take me.
:'''The Doctor''': That's not going to happen. 
:'''Tesla''': I have to surrender myself. There's nothing else to be done. This is beyond me. 
:'''The Doctor''': No. 
:'''Tesla''': No?
:'''The Doctor''': Nikola Tesla, you're gonna change the world. But first, you're gonna save it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dorothy''': Was that more or less impossible than your usual day?
:'''Ryan''': Yeah, about average. You?
:'''Dorothy''': Slightly stranger. Normal would be boring, wouldn't it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Don't give up.
:'''Yaz''': Whatever anyone says.
:'''Tesla''': Well, let them talk. The present is theirs. I work for the future. And the future is mine.

===[[w:Fugitive of the Judoon (Doctor Who)|Fugitive of the Judoon]] (12.5)===
:''[The Doctor at the TARDIS controls, looking serious. Her companions watch from the steps nearby.]''
:'''Ryan''': She's doing it again. Spending hours at the controls looking for something. Thinks we haven't noticed.
:'''Graham''': I'll ask her. ''[Calls out louder]'' Hey, Doc, what you looking for?
:'''The Doctor''': ''[looks up surprised]'' How long have you been there?
:'''Yaz''': Twenty minutes.
:'''The Doctor''': You haven't.
:'''Ryan''': What you looking for?
:'''The Doctor''': Not looking for anything.
:'''Yaz''': Don't lie to us.
:'''The Doctor''': ''[After a pause]'' The Master
:'''Graham''': Why would you do that?
:'''Yaz''': The Kasaavin took him.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. They transported him to their dimension and I can't get there in the TARDIS, but I thought... if he escaped I could track him. There's no sign. 
:'''Ryan''': I thought he'd be that last person you'd wanna see.
:'''The Doctor''': He left a message for me. 
:'''Graham''': Saying what?
:'''The Doctor''': It's personal.
:'''Yaz''': Is that where you go? When you leave us to explore and you say you'll be back in an hour but you never are? Are you out looking for him? Where do you go?
:'''The Doctor''': Home. On my own.
:'''Yaz''': Why? Why not with us?
:'''The Doctor''': Cuz you ask too many questions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Doctor has just found a buried TARDIS]''
:'''Ruth''': You're probably a bit confused right now. I broke the glass. It's all come back to me. 
:'''The Doctor''': This. What is this?
:'''Ruth''': That's my ship.
:'''The Doctor''': What?
:'''Ruth''': Let me take it from the top. Hello, I'm The Doctor. I'm a traveler in space and time, and that thing buried down there is called a TARDIS... You're gonna love this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': Stop... Who are you, really? Truly?
:'''Ruth''': I told you, love, I'm the Doctor.
:'''The Doctor''': You can't be.
:'''Ruth''': Yeah? And why's that?
:'''The Doctor''': Because I'm The Doctor. 
:'''Ruth''': You have got to be kidding me! Really?
:'''The Doctor''': Yes, really!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After The Doctor reveals that both she and Ruth are The Doctor to Gat.]''
:'''Ruth''': Is there even a word for how dumb you are?
:'''The Doctor''': &quot;Doctor&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Learning that Gat is from Gallifrey]''
:'''The Doctor''': Both of you can only be my past. But that's impossible because I know my own past- I lived through it. All of it. 
:'''Ruth''': You're wrong.
:'''The Doctor''': I'm not wrong! I've seen Gallifrey destroyed. Twice. First by war, second by a lunatic who I'm still trying to find. In my time, Gallifrey doesn't exist. It's gone! Forever. And if you don't know that, you're in my past. So you are only serving for the glory of ash and bone.

===[[w:Praxeus | Praxeus]] (12.6)===
:'''Suki Cheng:''' We call the infection Praxeus. Trust me: it's smart, it's relentless... and it knows you're onto it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' Planet Earth. Seven billion lives. Separate and connected, from the edge of the atmosphere to the depths of the ocean.

===[[w:Can You Hear Me? (Doctor Who)| Can you Hear Me?]] (12.7)===
:'''Rakaya:''' Can you hear me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor:''' Okay, not the exact right time. 77 minutes out. Late.
:'''Yaz:''' ''What!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rakaya:''' Two creatures from another realm descended onto a universe, where they were worshipped as gods. They saw two planets and laid a wager. Which of them could bring a planet to destruction first? The gods set to their game, sowing chaos through the populations. Wars began, between species, then between the planets themselves. The gods delighted in the carnage. It passed the time. But slowly, the inhabitants of the world grew wise, realised what these creatures had done to them. They unified and fought back against their so-called gods. They set their own planets into a collision course and at the heart of the collision, they laid a prison. They trapped one creature between the planets for eternity. The other fled, vowing to return to release his eternal partner. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor:''' (''after Rakaya and Zellin are defeated'') Gods back in their box!

===[[w:The Haunting of Villa Diodati (Doctor Who)| The Haunting of Villa Diodati]] (12.8)===
:'''Yaz''': Doctor? What are you doing? Where are going?
:'''Mary Shelley''': You're not leaving us!?
:'''The Doctor''': I have to find out what he's looking for. Alone.
:'''Yaz''': You need back up! All of us against one!
:'''The Doctor''': One Cyberman but then thousands. Humans like all of you changed into empty, soulless shells. No feeling, no control, no way back. I will not [[w:Bill Potts (Doctor Who)| lose anyone else to that!
]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Last Cyberman''': You appear courageous but your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety.
:'''The Doctor''': Or as I like to call it, Tuesday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ryan''': Shelley's only one life against all those others.
:'''The Doctor''': But is he, Ryan? His thoughts, his words, inspire and influence thousands for centuries. If he dies now, who knows what damage that will have on future history? Words matter! One death, one ripple, and history will change in a blink. The future will not be the world you know. The world you came from, the world you were created in, won't exist, so neither will you. It's not just his life at stake, it's yours. You want to sacrifice yourself for this? You want me to sacrifice you? You want to call it? Do it now. All of you. ''[None of the companions respond]'' Yeah. Cos sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit in the stratosphere. Alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now or tomorrow. Sometimes, even I can't win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Graham''': You saved Shelley, but what does that mean for the future?
:'''The Doctor''': It means I put it in the gravest danger.
:'''Ryan''': Please, tell me that was part of the plan.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. A last-minute, imperfect, all-I've-got plan. Saving Shelley was step one.
:'''Yaz''': What's step two?
:'''The Doctor''': Fix the mess I created in step one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Byron''': ''(reading his poem &quot;Darkness.&lt;ref&gt;[https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43825/darkness-56d222aeeee1b]&lt;/ref&gt;)'' The world was void, the populous and the powerful was a lump, seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless — a lump of death — a chaos of hard clay. Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea, and their masts fell down piecemeal: as they dropp'd they slept on the abyss without a surge — the waves were dead; the tides were in their grave, The moon, their mistress, had expir'd before; the winds were wither'd in the stagnant air, and the clouds perish'd; darkness had no need of aid from them — she was the Universe.

===[[w:Ascension of the Cybermen (Doctor Who)| Ascension of the Cybermen]] (12.9)===
:'''Ashad''': You show courage. But you are a liar. So few of you now. Should I let you live? You could tell the tale. Speak of their deaths. Of my power. To every other species.Spread my message. Tell them: be afraid. All humanity has been erased. All life will fall. And the Cybermen will rise again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ashad''': We know where you are. We will find you.
:'''The Doctor''': Yeah, yeah. Have you not asked that great slab of Cyber AI you absorbed, about me? I’m the Doctor. Consult the Cyberium, mate. I have stopped you lot so many times before. And I'll do it again. Time after time after time.
:'''Ashad''': No. The Cyberium does know you. Both you, and humanity, will be destroyed. And I shall bring the Cyber race to its greatest ever glory.
:'''The Doctor''': Quite a grudge you have against humanity. Especially considering you used to be one.
:'''Ashad''': When the glorious Cyber Empire arrived, I was a willing recruit. But as I took my rightful place, as I began my blessed ascension I was denied. At first I cursed myself. Hid in the shadows, ashamed. But now, I understand. I was not discarded.I was chosen. To revive the glory of the Cyber race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': Good entrance, am I right? Be afraid, Doctor. Because everything is about to change. Forever.

===[[w:The Timeless Children|The Timeless Children]] (12.10)===
:(''Inside the Matrix'')
:'''The Doctor''': What happened to the Child!?
:'''The Master''': Oh Doctor, really? Haven't you worked this out yet? The child is you. ''You'' are the Timeless Child.
:'''The Doctor''': No. No, I'm not.
:'''The Master''': You always have been.
:'''The Doctor''': Can't be...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruth!Doctor''': Get out of here. I know the Matrix has blown your mind... maybe you could return the compliment. (''vanishes'')
:'''The Doctor''': No, wait. Are you still there? Of course she's still there. If you were me, you're buried within me, buried within... Too many thoughts. All right, first things first, what did she say? Mind blown. Yes! Of course! All this history, all these lies, it's too much stimulus. It might work. I've fought the Matrix before, denied its reality, I can do it again. Maybe. Well, you know what they say, Doctor, nothing ventured, nothing blown. Oh! I'm talking to myself again. That's a good sign. Thanks, Doctor. Still here. No, shut up, I need to concentrate. Er... All right. Have a blast of this, Matrix.
:(''Fast sequences of images: The Master, Ashad and his Cyberguards, herself absorbing the Cyberium and Team TARDIS, Rakaya, Gat, the Fugitive Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness, herself running from Praxeus infected birds, Nikola Tesla and the Queen of the Skithra, a Dreg, the TARDIS beside the ruined Capitol, a Kasaavin, the reconnaissance scout Dalek, the Ux, the Solitract as Grace O'Brien and Team TARDIS in the fjord, a Morax and herself chained down, Umbreen and Prem's wedding, a Kerb!am Man, the Pting, giant spider's webs, Rosa Parks, the TARDIS and remnants on Desolation, Tzim-Sha, herself choosing an outfit, Davros, Rose Tyler, the Sycorax Leader, Donna Noble, a Slitheen, Amy Pond, the Abzorbaloff, River Song, a scarecrow, Wilfred Mott, Clara Oswald, General Staal, Bill Potts, an Ood, Martha Jones, Mickey Smith, the Empress of the Racnoss, Rory Williams, Jatt of the Sisters of Plenitude, Sarah Jane Smith, the Twelfth, Eleventh, Tenth, Ninth, War, Eighth, Seventh, Sixth, Fifth, Fourth, Third, Second and First Doctors, a Sea Devil, the Master, Sil, Missy, Sharaz Jek, an Auton, the Master, a Voc robot, the Master, Sutekh, an Ogron, the Master, the Master, Scaroth, the Timeless Child's incarnations, the Morbius Doctors, Brendan and the Fugitive Doctor, and the Matrix explodes.'')

==[[w:Revolution of the Daleks|Revolution of the Daleks]]==

==''Series 13'' / ''Flux''==
===[[w:The Halloween Apocalypse|Chapter One: The Halloween Apocalypse]]===
===[[w:War of the Sontarans|Chapter Two: War of the Sontarans]]===
:'''Mary Seacole''': Where are we going?
:'''The Doctor''': [[w:The Charge of the Light Brigade (poem)|Half a league onwards]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': [[w:Hit the Road Jack|Hit the road, Skaak]]

===[[w:Once, Upon Time|Chapter Three: Once, Upon Time]]===
:'''The Doctor''': What do you want?
:'''Swarm''': [[Paradise Lost#Book I|To reign in hell.]]

===[[w:Village of the Angels|Chapter Four: Village of the Angels]]===

===[[w:Survivors of the Flux|Chapter Five: Survivors of the Flux]]===

===[[w:The Vanquishers|Chapter Six: The Vanquishers]]===

==''[[w: Eve of the Daleks | Eve of the Daleks]]''==

==''[[w: Legend of the Sea Devils | Legend of the Sea Devils]]''==
:'''The Doctor''': Sea Devil.
:'''Chief Sea Devil''': Land Parasite!
:'''The Doctor''': All right, let's not get into the name-calling! How would you prefer to be addressed?
:'''Chief Sea Devil''': Where is it?
:'''The Doctor''': Mister Where-Is-It? Lord Where-Is-It?

==''[[w: The Power of the Doctor | The Power of the Doctor]]''==

:'''Holographic Fugitive Doctor''': So... it was just the genetic material you put into them, was it? Maybe you should have included the brains. Next time, check for signs of a hologram. Schoolboy error. But then you were a rubbish schoolboy, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Master''': If you're a friend of the Doctor's, you aren't going to use that.
:''[Vinder shoots him in the shoulder.]''
:'''Vinder''': I'm freelance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': You lost. You gambled, and you lost. And now your body's failing because of what you put it through.
:'''The Master''': Maybe... But if I can't be the Doctor... ''Neither can you.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''First Doctor''': Well. You’re obviously one of the more determined of us. Hm?
:'''The Doctor''': I'm sorry?
:'''First Doctor''': You refused to pass through. Quite the strength of character, this incarnation.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': The question is, what are we going to do about it now?
:'''The Doctor''': Do about what?
:'''Sixth Doctor''': Our predicament. This is supposed to get handed on - you can’t just ruin it for the next one. And you were doing so well.
:'''The Doctor''': Um - where am I, exactly? Cos the last thing I remember, is being forced to regenerate.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': That’s why we’re here. To stop you moving through any further. You’re not finished. We are not finished.
:'''The Doctor''': We being?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': The Doctor.
:'''Fifth Doctor''': Vestiges of your consciousness.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': Fragments of yourself.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': From the past.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': Guardians of the Edge.
:'''The Doctor''': Why are you not...?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': I don't do robes.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': There's always one. Has to be different.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': I’m a manifestation of our consciousness. I can wear what I like.
:'''The Doctor''': Could we just focus on this? Whatever this is. You said Guardians of the Edge. The edge of what?
:'''Eighth Doctor''': Existence.
:'''Fifth Doctor''': It’s symbolic, obviously. Consciousness will do that. But this is the place you pass through, during the process of regeneration. Go past here, there’s no way back.
:'''Sixth Doctor''': But time’s running out. We cannot let the Master permanently hijack our existence.
:'''The Doctor''': Yes. Very aware of that. But I’m thinking, in the immediate aftermath of regeneration, the body’s weak. Unstable, while it reforms.
:'''Seventh Doctor''': Ah good, yes! Even more so, with a forced regeneration.
:'''Eighth Doctor''': So until it’s settled, he may be vulnerable. We’d need help on the outside. But that’s easier said than done.
:'''The Doctor''': Unless one of us, or all of us, was very clever. I mean, that’s why you’ve manifested here, to remind me: there’s always a way. Things will work out. Right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': A wise person once said to me... goodbyes only hurt because what came before was so special. Oh, and it's been so special. You... and Graham...and Ryan... and Dan. Nobody else got to be us. Nobody else got to live our days. Nobody. And my hearts are so full of love of all of you. Oh, I have loved being with you, Yaz. And I have loved being me. I think I need to do this next bit alone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Doctor''': ''[last words]'' The blossomiest blossom... That's the only sad thing; I wanna know what happens next! Right then. Doctor whoever-I'm-about-to-be... Tag! You're it.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://blogtorwho.com/jodie-whittakers-first-interview-announcement-13th-doctor/ &quot;Jodie Whittaker's First Interview after her Announcement as the 13th Doctor&quot;]

[[Category:Doctor Who|* 13th Doctor]]
[[Category:Fictional characters]]</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:DamnYouLookPathetic|DamnYouLookPathetic]] ([[User talk:DamnYouLookPathetic|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/DamnYouLookPathetic|contributions]]) to last version by 75.170.5.193</comment>
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      <text bytes="193" sha1="s29wsmkwfthguh0nksocfs2kcb1qlye" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Power Rangers|Power Rangers]]''''' is a media franchise that includes the following television series and films:
{{Power Rangers header}}

{{disambiguation}}
[[Category:Power Rangers]]</text>
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    <title>DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis</title>
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'''''{{w|DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis}}''''' is a 2018 American animated film based on the ''DC Super Hero Girls'' franchise, produced by Warner Bros. Animation and distributed by Warner Bros. Home Entertainment. It is the fifth film in the ''DC Super Hero Girls'' franchise. It premiered at [[San Diego Comic-Con]] on July 22, 2018 and was released digitally and DVD on October 2.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[Mera and Siren have invaded the school]'' You!
:'''Bumblebee''': You know them?
:'''Mera''': Just hand the book over and nobody gets hurt.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I don't know how you do things in the ocean, but we don't negotiate with villains!
:'''Siren''': Good. I wanted to do it the hard way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[after Siren is defeated]'' I was wrong about you, Mera. I was wrong about sea people.
:'''Mera''': I'm the one who was wrong. Way wrong. You humans are pretty great.
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[smiles warmly]'' I owe you one for saving the land.
:'''Mera''': The sea, the land, it's all the same. It's an ecosystem. We all belong to each other and we must fight for each other.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Well said, friend.
:''[they engage in a warm hug]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': ''[Siren and Mera confront him]'' Stand down!
:'''Siren''': Not very smart leaving your palace unguarded. But I never expected much from a boy king.
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis is never unguarded. ''[summons sea creatures]'' Your trench creatures cannot win against the sea.
:'''Siren''': Never underestimate a sea witch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Siren''': ''[after Siren has assumed the throne]'' My first decree is to have you thrown into the brig.
:'''Mera''': What?
:''[Siren casts a spell that shackles Mera]''
:'''Siren''': Now that my magic is stronger, I can have anything I want.
:'''Mera''': But, Siren...
:'''Siren''': &quot;But, Siren&quot;. You're always trying to stop me, but you can't stop me now. I'm more powerful than you and soon I will be the most powerful being on Earth!
:'''Mera''': There are superheroes at that high school more powerful than...
:'''Siren''': Powerful enough to survive underwater? No. My predecessors to this trident never used its full power, but I will. I will start by sinking Metropolis. School's out for Super Hero High!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mera''': ''[being led to the dungeon by Siren's monsters]'' Let me go!
:'''Bumblebee''': ''[revealing herself]'' Yeah, let her go! ''[zaps one with her stinger. The other one comes after her]'' Over here, shark bait! [blasts it]
:'''Mera''': A land dweller. Stay away from me!
:'''Bumblebee''': But I can't help you if I'm staying away. ''[starts cutting through her shackles]''
:'''Mera''': Why would you rescue me? I helped Siren and now she's going to sink the land dwellers, I-I mean your people.
:'''Bumblebee''': I know. I heard in the throne room. And I heard you. You're not like your sister. You care about people. You got what it takes to be a hero.
:'''Mera''': ''[her shackles fall off]'' You really think that?
:'''Bumblebee: Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Siren''': ''[holding Wonder Woman and Mera at bay]'' Who should I get rid of first? The little helpless surface dweller that I tried to eliminate years ago, or my own sister who insisted on saving her? Do you really think that you, with your weak walking legs, could've made it out of my ocean?
:''[flashback sequence starts]''
:'''Siren''': My own sister dragged you to the surface. She even dared touch her feet on the shore, waiting for your inferior human lungs to gasp the putrid surface air.
:'''Mera''': ''[in the flashback]'' Please wake up.
:''[Young Wonder Woman coughs up water. Young Mera smiles at her, but when she sees Diana's mother coming, she dives back into the water. As Young Wonder Woman is carried away by her mother, Young Mera waves to her before sinking back beneath the waves. The flashback sequence ends]
:'''Siren''': So, first place on the annoying scale goes to my goody two-shoes sister Mera. Trident, destroy her!
:''[the trident powers up]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': No! [she pushes Mera out of the way and gets hit instead]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[her oxygen pack has been broken by the trench creatures]'' You have to fight without me.
:'''Bumblebee''': No way! It's not over for you until you make Siren sing. ''[hands her oxygen pack over]'' Here.
:'''Wonder Woman''': But what about you? Do you even have enough air to get back to the surface?
:'''Mera''': I think I can help. Bumblebee, when you're small you don't need much oxygen, right? Shrink and I'll make an oxygen bubble for you.
:'''Bumblebee''': OK. Bubble me. ''[holds her breath and shrinks. Mera blows an oxygen bubble that encases Bumblebee]'' Yeah, honey!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let's go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[after securing the trident]'' Good news, Hawkgirl. The trident has been secured.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Bad news. Metropolis is still sinking!
:'''Siren''': Ha! Ignorant air breather! No one can stop what the trident has started!
:''[Wonder Woman grabs the trident]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[to Mera]'' You have to use it.
:'''Mera''': Me? But what if I use it and go power crazy like Siren? Maybe you or Bumblebee...
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[grabs her shoulder]'' Mera, you love the sea and you have the heart of a hero. You can do it.
:''[Mera takes the trident and it starts to glow]''
:'''Mera''': Sea, be calm!
:''[the trident's power calms the ocean and expels the water from Metropolis]

== Cast ==
* Yvette Nicole Brown as Principal Waller
* Greg Cipes as Beast Boy
* Teala Dunn as Bumblebee
* Anais Fairweather as Supergirl
* Nika Futterman as Hawkgirl
* Grey Griffin as Wonder Woman
* Julianne Grossman as Hippolyta
* Tania Gunadi as Lady Shiva
* Josh Keaton as Flash
* [[Tom Kenny]] as Commissioner Gordon / Crazy Quilt
* [[Misty Lee]] as Big Barda
* Erica Lindbeck as Mera / Siren
* Danica McKellar as Frost
* Max Mittelman as Aquaman
* Khary Payton as Cyborg
* Stephanie Sheh as Katana
* Tara Strong as Harley Quinn / Poison Ivy / Raven
* Fred Tatasciore as Burly Man
* [[Hynden Walch]] as Starfire
* Mae Whitman as Batgirl

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2018 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Direct-to-video animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Animated Wonder Woman films]]
[[Category:High school films]]</text>
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'''''{{w|DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis}}''''' is a 2018 American animated film based on the ''DC Super Hero Girls'' franchise, produced by Warner Bros. Animation and distributed by Warner Bros. Home Entertainment. It is the fifth film in the ''DC Super Hero Girls'' franchise. It premiered at San Diego Comic-Con on July 22, 2018 and was released digitally and DVD on October 2.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[Mera and Siren have invaded the school]'' You!
:'''Bumblebee''': You know them?
:'''Mera''': Just hand the book over and nobody gets hurt.
:'''Wonder Woman''': I don't know how you do things in the ocean, but we don't negotiate with villains!
:'''Siren''': Good. I wanted to do it the hard way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[after Siren is defeated]'' I was wrong about you, Mera. I was wrong about sea people.
:'''Mera''': I'm the one who was wrong. Way wrong. You humans are pretty great.
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[smiles warmly]'' I owe you one for saving the land.
:'''Mera''': The sea, the land, it's all the same. It's an ecosystem. We all belong to each other and we must fight for each other.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Well said, friend.
:''[they engage in a warm hug]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Aquaman''': ''[Siren and Mera confront him]'' Stand down!
:'''Siren''': Not very smart leaving your palace unguarded. But I never expected much from a boy king.
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis is never unguarded. ''[summons sea creatures]'' Your trench creatures cannot win against the sea.
:'''Siren''': Never underestimate a sea witch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Siren''': ''[after Siren has assumed the throne]'' My first decree is to have you thrown into the brig.
:'''Mera''': What?
:''[Siren casts a spell that shackles Mera]''
:'''Siren''': Now that my magic is stronger, I can have anything I want.
:'''Mera''': But, Siren...
:'''Siren''': &quot;But, Siren&quot;. You're always trying to stop me, but you can't stop me now. I'm more powerful than you and soon I will be the most powerful being on Earth!
:'''Mera''': There are superheroes at that high school more powerful than...
:'''Siren''': Powerful enough to survive underwater? No. My predecessors to this trident never used its full power, but I will. I will start by sinking Metropolis. School's out for Super Hero High!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mera''': ''[being led to the dungeon by Siren's monsters]'' Let me go!
:'''Bumblebee''': ''[revealing herself]'' Yeah, let her go! ''[zaps one with her stinger. The other one comes after her]'' Over here, shark bait! [blasts it]
:'''Mera''': A land dweller. Stay away from me!
:'''Bumblebee''': But I can't help you if I'm staying away. ''[starts cutting through her shackles]''
:'''Mera''': Why would you rescue me? I helped Siren and now she's going to sink the land dwellers, I-I mean your people.
:'''Bumblebee''': I know. I heard in the throne room. And I heard you. You're not like your sister. You care about people. You got what it takes to be a hero.
:'''Mera''': ''[her shackles fall off]'' You really think that?
:'''Bumblebee: Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Siren''': ''[holding Wonder Woman and Mera at bay]'' Who should I get rid of first? The little helpless surface dweller that I tried to eliminate years ago, or my own sister who insisted on saving her? Do you really think that you, with your weak walking legs, could've made it out of my ocean?
:''[flashback sequence starts]''
:'''Siren''': My own sister dragged you to the surface. She even dared touch her feet on the shore, waiting for your inferior human lungs to gasp the putrid surface air.
:'''Mera''': ''[in the flashback]'' Please wake up.
:''[Young Wonder Woman coughs up water. Young Mera smiles at her, but when she sees Diana's mother coming, she dives back into the water. As Young Wonder Woman is carried away by her mother, Young Mera waves to her before sinking back beneath the waves. The flashback sequence ends]
:'''Siren''': So, first place on the annoying scale goes to my goody two-shoes sister Mera. Trident, destroy her!
:''[the trident powers up]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': No! [she pushes Mera out of the way and gets hit instead]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[her oxygen pack has been broken by the trench creatures]'' You have to fight without me.
:'''Bumblebee''': No way! It's not over for you until you make Siren sing. ''[hands her oxygen pack over]'' Here.
:'''Wonder Woman''': But what about you? Do you even have enough air to get back to the surface?
:'''Mera''': I think I can help. Bumblebee, when you're small you don't need much oxygen, right? Shrink and I'll make an oxygen bubble for you.
:'''Bumblebee''': OK. Bubble me. ''[holds her breath and shrinks. Mera blows an oxygen bubble that encases Bumblebee]'' Yeah, honey!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Let's go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[after securing the trident]'' Good news, Hawkgirl. The trident has been secured.
:'''Hawkgirl''': Bad news. Metropolis is still sinking!
:'''Siren''': Ha! Ignorant air breather! No one can stop what the trident has started!
:''[Wonder Woman grabs the trident]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[to Mera]'' You have to use it.
:'''Mera''': Me? But what if I use it and go power crazy like Siren? Maybe you or Bumblebee...
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[grabs her shoulder]'' Mera, you love the sea and you have the heart of a hero. You can do it.
:''[Mera takes the trident and it starts to glow]''
:'''Mera''': Sea, be calm!
:''[the trident's power calms the ocean and expels the water from Metropolis]

== Cast ==
* Yvette Nicole Brown as Principal Waller
* Greg Cipes as Beast Boy
* Teala Dunn as Bumblebee
* Anais Fairweather as Supergirl
* Nika Futterman as Hawkgirl
* Grey Griffin as Wonder Woman
* Julianne Grossman as Hippolyta
* Tania Gunadi as Lady Shiva
* Josh Keaton as Flash
* [[Tom Kenny]] as Commissioner Gordon / Crazy Quilt
* [[Misty Lee]] as Big Barda
* Erica Lindbeck as Mera / Siren
* Danica McKellar as Frost
* Max Mittelman as Aquaman
* Khary Payton as Cyborg
* Stephanie Sheh as Katana
* Tara Strong as Harley Quinn / Poison Ivy / Raven
* Fred Tatasciore as Burly Man
* [[Hynden Walch]] as Starfire
* Mae Whitman as Batgirl

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2018 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Direct-to-video animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Animated Wonder Woman films]]
[[Category:High school films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Captain Marvel (film)</title>
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      <id>3606974</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:51:16Z</timestamp>
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[[File:Captain Marvel trailer at the National Air and Space Museum 4 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Higher, further, faster, baby.]]
'''''[[w:Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]''''' is a [[w:2019 in film|2019]] American {{w|superhero film}} based on the Marvel Comics character {{w|Carol Danvers}}. It is the twenty-first film in the {{w|Marvel Cinematic Universe}} (MCU). Set in 1995, the story follows Danvers' experiences and the re-emergence of her memories as the Earth is caught in the center of a galactic conflict between two alien societies.

:''Directed by [[w:Anna Boyden and Ryan Fleck|Anna Boyden and Ryan Fleck]]. Written by Anna Boyden, Ryan Fleck and [[w:Geneva Robertson-Dworet|Geneva Robertson-Dworet]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Higher. Further. Faster.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== {{w|Carol Danvers}} / Vers / Captain Marvel ==
[[File:Captain Marvel filming at Edwards AFB 2.jpg|thumb|I keep having these [[memories]]. I see flashes. I think I had a [[life]] here, but I can't tell if it's [[real]].]]
* I keep having these memories. I see flashes. I think I had a life here, but I can't tell if it's real.
* Higher, further, faster, baby.

== {{w|Supreme Intelligence}} ==
* You are just one victim of the Skrull expansion that has threatened our civilization for centuries. Impostors who silently infiltrate, then take over our planets. Horrors that you remember, and so much that you do not.
* Without us, you're only human.

== Dr. Wendy Lawson / {{w|Mar-Vell}} ==
* I spent half my life fighting a shameful war. Now get out of here before you give me any more regrets. Just remember the coordinates, okay? You got to save them without me.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Fury is looking over the autopsy of a Skrull who'd been impersonating Coulson, accompanied by Talos, who is impersonating Fury's boss]''
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': You're saying this thing looked like Coulson?
:'''Nick Fury''': Mmm... Talked like him, too.
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': And the woman said that there were...more?
:'''Nick Fury''': The word she used was &quot;infiltration&quot;.
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': Do you believe her?
:'''Nick Fury''': ''[Referring to the dead Skrull on the coroner's table]'' Not until I saw this.
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': What's your plan?
:'''Nick Fury''': I'll find Blockbuster girl. I got word on a motorcycle thief that  fits her description. If she can tell us why those lizards are here, maybe she can tell us how to kick 'em to the curb.
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': Good. Do it alone, though. We can't trust anyone, [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|not even our own men]].
:'''Nick Fury:''' Yes, sir. [''Fury leaves'']
:'''&quot;Keller&quot;''': Wow. They are ugly bastards, aren't they?
:'''Coroner:''' Yeah, well, he's no [[w:Brad Pitt|Brad Pitt]], sir. [''&quot;Keller&quot; leans down next to the Skrull's head'']
:'''Talos:''' [''With his native accent''] Safe journey to the beyond, my friend. I will finish what we started. [''Talos caresses his colleague's head]''
:'''Coroner:''' I wouldn't get too close there, boss.
:'''Talos:''' [''Switches to his fake American accent''] No one in or out. 
----
:[''Carol is testing Fury to see if he's a Skrull'']
:'''Carol Danvers''': This is gonna get a little awkward, but I gotta ask...
:'''Nick Fury''': You think I'm one of those green things.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Can't be too careful.
:'''Nick Fury''': You are looking at 100% red-blooded Earthman.
:'''Carol Danvers''': I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
:'''Nick Fury''': We talking cheek swab or urine sample?
:'''Carol Danvers''': No, the DNA would match.
:'''Nick Fury''': Want [[w:AOL|my AOL password]]?
:'''Carol Danvers''': Skrulls can only sim recent memories of their hosts' bodies.
:'''Nick Fury''': ...You wanna get personal.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Where were you born?
:'''Nick Fury''': [[w:Huntsville, Alabama|Huntsville, Alabama]]. But technically, I don't remember that part.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Name of your first pet?
:'''Nick Fury''': Mr. Snoofers.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Mr. Snoofers?
:'''Nick Fury''': That's what I said. Do I pass?
:'''Carol Danvers''': Not yet. First job?
:'''Nick Fury''': Soldier. Straight outta high school. Left the ranks a full-bird colonel.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Then?
:'''Nick Fury''': Spy.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Where?
:'''Nick Fury''': It's the Cold War, we were everywhere. Belfast, Bucharest, Belgrade, Budapest... I like the B's. I can make 'em rhyme.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Now?
:'''Nick Fury''': Been riding a desk for the past six years trying to figure out where our future enemies are coming from. Never occurred to me they would be coming from above.
:'''Carol Danvers''': [''Thinks for a moment''] Name a detail so bizarre, a Skrull could never fabricate it.
:'''Nick Fury''': If toast is cut diagonally, I can't eat it. [''Long pause; Carol smirks''] ...You didn't need that, did you?
:'''Carol Danvers''': No. No, I didn't. But I enjoyed it.

----
:'''Carol Danvers''': [''Referring to the front of the baseball cap that Fury has given her''] What is this?
:'''Nick Fury''': It's a S.H.I.E.L.D. logo.
:'''Carol Danvers''': Does announcing your identity with branded clothing, help with the covert part of the job?
:'''Nick Fury''': ...said the space soldier who's wearing a rubber suit. Lose the flannel.

----
:'''Talos:''' I'm sorry I simmed your boss. But now I stand before you as my true self. Without deception.
:'''Carol Danvers:''' And who's that out there? [''Referring to the Skrull impersonating Maria, who had taken Monica outside'']
:'''Talos:''' Okay. That's a fair point. But I'm sure that you understand, I had to take some precautions. I saw you crush twenty of my best men with your hands bound. I just want to talk.
:'''Carol Danvers:''' The last time we talked, I ended up hanging from my ankles.
:'''Talos:''' That was before I knew who you were. Before I knew what made you different from the others. I have an audio recording from Pegasus, of your voice, from a plane crash six years ago. On a device I believe you call [[w:black box|a &quot;black box]]&quot;.
:'''Maria Rambeau:''' They told me it was destroyed in the crash. How'd you get it?
:'''Talos:''' Does she not understand? Young lady, I have a special skill that kinda... allows me to get into places I'm not supposed to be in.
:'''Maria Rambeau:''' Call me &quot;young lady&quot; again, and I'm gonna put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be.
:'''Talos:''' ...Am I supposed to guess where that is?
:'''Carol Danvers and Nick Fury:''' [''At the same time'']  Your ass!

----
:'''Supreme Intelligence''': You did good, ace. Thanks to you, those insidious shapeshifters will threaten our borders no more.
:'''Carol Danvers''': I used to believe your lies. But the Skrulls are just fighting for a home. You're talking about destroying them because they won't submit to your rule. And neither will I.
:'''Supreme Intelligence''': We found you. We embraced you as our own.
:'''Carol Danvers''': You stole me! From my home... My family, my friends...
:'''Supreme Intelligence''': It's cute how hard you try. Remember: without us...
:''[Carol flashes back to her childhood; her failed pursuits and the lack of encouragement from her father]''
:'''Carol's Father''': Give it up, Carol!
:'''Supreme Intelligence''': ...You're weak. You're flawed. Helpless. We saved you. Without us... you're only human.
:'''Carol Danvers''': [''Realizes''] You're right. I'm only ''human''. [''And she remembers that every time she fell...she got right back up again'']
:'''Supreme Intelligence''': On Hala, you were reborn. Vers.
:'''Carol Danvers''': My name... is Carol.
:'''Kree Technician''': She's trying to break out!
:'''Carol Danvers''': I've been fighting with one arm tied behind my back. But what happens... ''[rips out the implant suppressing her powers]'' ...when I'm finally set free? ''[releases a large burst of energy that brings down the Supreme Intelligence's simulation around her]''

----
:'''Captain Marvel''': Take the Tesseract, leave the lunchbox.
:'''Nick Fury''': Me?
:'''Captain Marvel''': Yes.
:'''Nick Fury''': I'm not touching that thing!
:'''Captain Marvel''': You want me to get you an oven mitt?
:''[A swarm of tentacles suddenly emerge from Goose's mouth, snatching up the Tesseract and devouring it, much to the shock and confusion of Fury, Marvel and Maria. Fury drops Goose in shock, now confirming why Talos was so unnerved around the supposed cat in the first place.]''
:'''Captain Marvel''': Get the Skrulls in the quadjet and go! Take the Flerken with you!
:'''Nick Fury''':  What about you?
:'''Captain Marvel''': I'll buy you some time.
:'''Nick Fury''': [''Picks up Goose, very nervously''] I'm picking you up now. I'm trusting you not to eat me.

----
:'''{{w|Yon-Rogg}}''': I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way since I found you that day by the lake. But can you turn off your emotions long enough to take me on? Or will they get the better of you, as always? I told you, you'll be ready the day you could knock me down as yourself. This is that moment! This is that moment, Vers! Turn off the light show, and ''prove'', PROVE TO ME, YOU CAN BEAT ME WITHOUT—
:''[Danvers knocks him hundreds of feet back with a photon blast]''
:'''Captain Marvel''': ''[Walks up to him and stands over him]'' I have '''''[[nothing]]''''' to [[prove]] to you.

----
:[''After defeating Yon-Rogg, Carol has strapped him to his ship and activated its autopilot to send it back to Hala'']
:'''Yon-Rogg''': I can't go back empty-handed!
:'''Captain Marvel''': You won't be empty-handed. I'm sending you with a message: Tell the Supreme Intelligence that I'm coming to ''end'' it. The war, the lies, ''all'' of it.

----
:'''[[w:Ronan the Accuser|Ronan]]''': We'll be back for the weapon.
:'''The Other Accuser''': The core?
:'''Ronan''': The woman.

----
:'''Nick Fury''': We have no idea what other intergalactic threats are out there. And our one-woman security force had a prior commitment on the other side of the universe. S.H.I.E.L.D. alone can't protect us. We need to find more.
:'''Coulson''': More weapons?
:'''Nick Fury''': [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|More heroes.]]
:'''Coulson''': You think you can find others like her?
:'''Nick Fury''': We found her and we weren't even looking.

----
:[''In 2018, the Avengers are dealing with the consequences of the failed counterattack against Thanos that lead to the decimation process as they return to the New Avengers Headquarters. On the computer, the numbers continues to rise as the global death toll reaches 3.2 billion.'']
:'''[[w:Captain America|Steve Rogers]]''': This is a nightmare.
:'''[[w:Black Widow (Natasha Romanova)|Natasha Romanoff]]''': I've had better nightmares. [''James Rhodes walks in'']
:'''[[w:War Machine (comics)|James &quot;Rhodey&quot; Rhodes]]''': Hey. So that thing just stopped doing whatever the hell it was doing.
:[''Rhodes, Romanoff, and Rogers head to the chamber housing the transmitter device, where Bruce Banner is analyzing it.'']
:'''Natasha Romanoff''': What have we got?
:'''[[w:Hulk|Bruce Banner]]''': Whatever the signal is sending, it finally crapped out.
:'''Steve Rogers''': I thought we bypassed the battery.
:'''James &quot;Rhodey&quot; Rhodes''': We did. It's still plugged in, it just... it just stopped.
:'''Steve Rogers''': Reboot and send the signal again.
:'''Bruce Banner''': We don't even know what this is.
:'''Natasha Romanoff''': Fury did. Just do it, please. You tell me the second you get a signal. I want to know who's on the other end of that thing.
:[''As Romanoff turns around, she finds herself face to face with Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel.'']
:'''Captain Marvel''': [[Avengers: Infinity War|Where's Fury]]?

== Taglines ==
* Higher. Further. Faster.
* Discover what makes a (her)o.
* Everything begins with a (her)o.

== Cast ==
* [[Brie Larson]] - [[w:Carol Danvers|Carol &quot;Vers&quot; Danvers / Captain Marvel]]
** {{w|Mckenna Grace}} (13 years old)
*** London Fuller (6 years old)

* {{w|Samuel L. Jackson}} - [[w:Nick Fury|Nick Fury]]

* {{w|Ben Mendelsohn}} - [[w:Talos (comics)|Talos]] / Keller

* {{w|Djimon Hounsou}} - [[w:Korath the Pursuer|Korath]]

* {{w|Lee Pace}} - {{w|Ronan the Accuser}}

* {{w|Lashana Lynch}} - Maria Rambeau

* {{w|Gemma Chan}} - [[w:Doctor Minerva|Minn-Erva]]

* [[Annette Bening]] - [[w:Captain Marvel (Mar-Vell)|Dr. Wendy Lawson / Mar-Vell]] and the {{w|Supreme Intelligence}}

* {{w|Clark Gregg}} - {{w|Phil Coulson}}

* [[Jude Law]] - {{w|Yon-Rogg}}

* [[Chris Evans]] – Steve Rogers / Captain America

* [[Scarlett Johansson]] – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow

* [[Mark Ruffalo]] – Bruce Banner / The Hulk

* {{w|Don Cheadle}} – James Rhodes / War Machine

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{official|https://marvel.com/movies/movie/225/captain_marvel}}
* {{IMDb title|4154664|Captain Marvel}}
* {{mojo title|marvel2018a|Captain Marvel}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|captain_marvel_2018|Captain Marvel}}
* {{metacritic film|captain-marvel|Captain Marvel}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Captain Marvel}}
[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Films about altered memories]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]
[[Category:Films set in Louisiana]]
[[Category:Films set on fictional planets]]
[[Category:Fiction about intergalactic travel]]
[[Category:Films set in the 1990s]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)</title>
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      <parentid>3606917</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T06:33:37Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>2406:3400:21B:650:C869:3B90:B985:3CF8</ip>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 1)|1]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 2)|2]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 3)|3]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 4)|4]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 5)|5]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 6)|6]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 7)|7]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 8)|8]] [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (season 9)|9]] | [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the ninth and final season which started on April 6 and ended on October 12, 2019. ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]''.

===The Beginning of the End - Part 1===
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Pinkie Pie]]''': We always win, like the time Sombra almost took back the Crystal Empire, or when Chrysalis pretended to be Cadence, or when Tirek came back and absorbed all the magic, or the other time Chrysalis tried to take over, or with Cozy Glow and the school... (catching breath) Am I missing anything? [Gaunson flies into the battle with his jet with his Osprey]
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Rarity]]''': Pony of Shadows.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Spike]]''': Starlight when she was evil.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Fluttershy]]''': Discord when he was evil.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Applejack]]''': Do Flim and Flam count?
----
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Tirek]]''': Grogar is ancient and extremely powerful. The land that would become Equestria was a mere collection of farms and pastures, until he declared himself emperor of all he saw. I remember hearing tales of his tyranny when I was young.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|King Sombra]]''': I have also heard of the first emperor of Equestria, the &quot;Father of Monsters&quot;.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Grogar]]''': I gave life to the foulest of creatures and allowed them to run wild, taking what they wanted and destroying the rest. My reign was a glorious, fear-soaked epoch of darkness in Equestria...
:'''[[Wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Queen Chrysalis]]''': Ha! Until Gusty the Great rose up and banished you.
:'''Grogar''': That fool thought taking my bell would defeat me, but she only weakened me temporarily.
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Cozy Glow]]''': Um, Tirek is ''really'' old. ''[to Tirek]'' No offense, you look great. ''[back to Grogar]'' But if he knew about you when he was young, we have ''super'' different ideas about what &quot;temporarily&quot; means.
:'''Grogar''': SILENCE!! [Genral pershing and gaunson and the lone vanguard appear out of the portal]
:,,,,,,,,, landkreuzer: fools. I will show them how strong I am. Panzers forwards.

===The Beginning of the End - Part 2===
:'''Discord''': ''[weakly]'' Listen to me... you don't need me. You don't need the princesses, and you certainly don't need the elements. ''[coughs]'' Fluttershy, you will always be kind. Applejack, you will always be honest. Rarity, you'll always be generous. And Rainbow Dash will be loyal as can be. Pinkie will always bring laughter wherever she goes. And Twilight, you are and always will be the embodiment of magic. You lost sight of what's in front of you. You're here, together, willing to give everything you've got for Equestria. Nothing and nopony can ''ever'' take that away from you... because that's who you are.
:'''King Sombra''': ''[laughs]'' It's going to take more than a sentimental speech to save you.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Discord's right. We've proven time and time again that the real magic is the six of us working together!
 Greyson:With these girls and boys by my side, I'm not afraid of you! I'm not afraid of what you can do or how much power you have!
:'''King Sombra''':  You ''should'' be.
:''[He fires a blast, but Twilight blocks it and the troops fire an artillery barrage.]'' 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You may knock us down, but we're gonna get back up again! ''[another fire; she blocks it]'' And again! ''[and another]'' And again! As long as we're together, we will never stop trying to defeat you! 
:’’’[greyson]: not only that but we stand as a allies against our enemies no matter the cost we stand mighty against you and we shall end this fight.
:''[Now they both blast at each other; Twilight's expands into a magic shield which bathes herself and her friends in pink light; all join hooves in turn]''
:'''Fluttershy''': For our friends!
:'''Applejack, Rarity''': For our families!
:'''Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash''': For our home!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': For Equestria!!!
:''[The magic shield glows brighter and lifts them up; Twilight's eyes begin to glow white and her mane and tail sparkle and wave in the manner of Celestia and Luna's, as Sombra fails to hit them with his magic]''
:'''King Sombra''': NO! This can't be possible! '''Your magic can't defeat mine!!''' '''''I DESTROYED THE SOURCE OF YOUR POWER!!!'''''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You can't destroy our friendship, Sombra!
:'''Rainbow Dash''': And we keep telling bad guys...
:'''Applejack''': But y'all just don't seem to remember.
:'''All six''': '''FRIENDSHIP ''IS'' MAGIC!!!'''
:''[Their magic expands outward]''
:'''King Sombra''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''''' ''[disintegrates into nothingness]''
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Princess Celestia]]''': A good leader knows when to ask for help, but a great leader has the courage to admit when they've made a mistake and the strength to make it right.
[General perishing: I never thought my men had such valiant hearts with the ponies at em boy give em the gun.
:[...]
:'''[[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Twilight Sparkle]]''': I guess I know, when the time comes, as long as we're together, we probably—
:'''Rest of [[wikipedia:List of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic characters|Mane Six]]''': [clearing throats]
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': We definitely got this.
:’‘’Gaunson: chrysalis this ends now. [gun calcks]  
:'''Cozy Glow''': Now I'll say something nice about centaurs; Tirek, you say something nice about changelings; and Chrysalis, you say something nice about ponies. 
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': ''NEVER!''

===Uprooted===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': But the tree couldn't have called you. It's gone! Sombra destroyed it.
----
:'''Thorax''': Ocellus! There you are. The hive's been worried sick. Why did you leave without even telling us? The last time you and your friends did that, it almost made our kingdoms to war! (''School Daze - Part 2'')

===Sparkle's Seven===

===The Point of No Return===

===Common Ground===

===She's All Yak===

===Frenemies===
Cozy Glow: [clears throat] I don't want to tattle on my good friend Tirek, but... you might like to know he left food out. Again.
Grogar: I'll deal with it when I'm done.
Lord Tirek: Don't trust anything that nosy little Pegasus says!
Grogar: I don't trust anything any of you say.
Cozy Glow: Grogar left me in charge.
Queen Chrysalis: No, he didn't. And even if he did, Chrysalis obeys no one.
Cozy Glow: [singsongy] There'll be cupcakes.
Cozy Glow: It must get lonely all by yourself. Maybe I could be your friend?
Rusty Bucket: Aw. I'd love a friend.
Cozy Glow: So, now that we are friends, you could help me up the mountain.
Rusty Bucket: Hmm, uh... a real friend wouldn't ask me to do something I'm not supposed to do. Says so right here in the Journal of Friendship, written by Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
Cozy Glow: ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME?! [echoing]
[birds chirping]
Rusty Bucket: Shhhh!
Cozy Glow: I didn't want to be friends anyway.
Rusty Bucket: Awww...
Lord Tirek: I'd had enough of you trying to manipulate me with that insincere, syrupy sweetness. At least now we can see the real you.
Cozy Glow: This is not the real me! I'm cute and lovable!
Lord Tirek: [scoffs] No, you're not. You're annoying, and you snore.
Cozy Glow: I do not snore!
Lord Tirek: [mock-snoring]
Cozy Glow: At least I don't talk to my Gram-Gram when I sleep.
Lord Tirek: Don't you dare bring Gram-Gram into this!
[Ophiotaurus roars]
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: This is your fault!
Lord Tirek: Indeed it would. Who wouldn't love to see those prissy ponies realize they lost everything?
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: I'm a pathetic pony princess! I made a detailed list of all the ways I'm a failure!
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: [laughing]
Queen Chrysalis: I-I wasn't sure you were going to give it back.
Lord Tirek: Neither was I. But working together seemed smarter than to continue fighting.
Cozy Glow: When we helped each other, it felt better somehow.
Queen Chrysalis: I haven't felt like this since before I lost my hive. Having others who will be there for you is... pleasing.
Lord Tirek: All of these years taking power from ponies...
Cozy Glow: When you use your power to help others...
Queen Chrysalis: Yes, it feels... NOOOOOOOOO!
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: Whoa!
Queen Chrysalis: The Magic of Friendship is like a disease! An infection that spreads to those around you! I watched it infect my hive! I will not let it get me!

===Sweet and Smoky===

===Going to Seed===

===Student Counsel===

===The Last Crusade===
:'''Scootaloo''': But I don’t want to say goodbye! You’re changing my whole life without even asking how I feel! ''[crying]''

===Between Dark and Dawn===

===The Last Laugh===

===2, 4, 6, Greaaat===

===A Trivial Pursuit===

===The Summer Sun Setback===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I thought everything was fine! WHAT IS GOING ON!?!!
:'''Applejack:''' Everything ''was'' going fine...
:'''Pinkie Pie:''' Until it totally wasn't.
:'''Fluttershy:''' We tried to fix it ourselves.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Why didn't you tell me?
:'''Rainbow Dash:''' We didn't want you to freak out.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': And you thought NOT telling me everything was a total disaster would AVOID a freak-out?!!
:'''Spike:''' When you say it like that, it sounds like a really bad plan.
:''[Twilight sucks in a deep breath as Discord watches, hoping she'll freak out and hyperventilate]''
:'':''' Here it comes...!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I know how I used to react... But I really have changed! ''[smiles]'' Panicking won't solve anything.
:''[Discord rolls his eyes annoyingly as the Princesses show up]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': But we can handle whatever problems come our way, as long as we handle them together.
:'''Princess Celestia:''' Spoken like a true leader.
:’’’Gaunson: aye same here we will help you with your problems mate. Should the villains threaten again me and my team will defend you and help you should there be any threats. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': This celebration has always been a reminder not to fear the night, for there is always a new day to look forward to. But as we look towards Equestria's future, I am sad to say that today will be the last Summer Sun Celebration. Because there is something even more important to celebrate.  There are two ponies who have watched over us, night and day, for as long as we can remember. We will no longer commemorate their battle or their reunion. Instead, we will take this day to celebrate how much they mean to all of us. From this day forward, today will be known as...the Festival of the Two Sisters!
:,,,:britaina: listen up everyone today we stand victorious with our mighty hearts let there be be no more darkness today we end this terrible terror they will not take equestria and landkreuzer will not pass because you were in his way.[general perishing: we will always be ready for what ever it is.
:'''Discord''': You know, it really does seem like you just might be ready for whatever comes next, Your Majesty.
Gaunson: you know discord might point but still you know no amount of revenge will make things better really. chrysalis I thought I never said this but I know what you were up to all these years chrysalis I made it very clear. 
:'''Cozy Glow''': You know, it really was super-easy to get all those earth ponies and pegasi and unicorns to turn on each other.
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': It was, wasn’t it? Now ''that'' is something to think about...
:''[Episode ends]''

===She Talks to Angel===

===Dragon Dropped===
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Friendships change. But just because Spike made a new friend doesn't mean he stops being yours.
:'''Rarity''': ''[pouting]'' I know, but now I have to share him! ''[smiles sheepishly]'' Which I suppose I'll have to get used to...

===A Horse-Shoe In===

===Daring Doubt===
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Finally! Where have you been?
:'''Fluttershy''': I decided to find out which author is really telling the truth, so I joined Dr. C's Tenochtitlan expedition!
:'''Rainbow Dash''': Say whaaaaaaat?!

===Growing Up is Hard to Do===

===The Big Mac Question===

===The Ending of the End - Part 1===
:'''Grogar''': The Bell?! You had it all this time?! Why didn't you tell me?!
:'''Cozy Glow''': We're villains, duh!
:''[The villains strike the Bell, draining away Grogar's power - and revealing him to actually be Discord, who gives a sheepish wave]''
:'''Tirek''': That was unexpected.
----
:'''Discord''': Look what I overheard them saying!
:''[He snaps, but nothing happens]''
:'''Discord''': Ugh! Just listen to my voice and use your imagination!
:''[Flashback]''
:'''Discord (as Queen Chrysalis)''': Let the fool go. Without magic, he's no threat. Besides, we have plans.
:'''Discord (as Cozy Glow)''': The &quot;Lame Six&quot; are so busy being perfect, they haven't even noticed what we've been up to. Have I mentioned how great revenge is?
:'''Discord (as Lord Tirek)''': I hope you got a name picked out for your future kingdom. Because it's time to destroy Equestria!
:'''Discord (as the villains)''': ''[laughing]''
:''(Flashback ends)''
:'''Discord''': They're probably on their way to attack Canterlot right now!
:’’’[brtannia use her shield ram]
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': You think your pathetic shield can stop us? ''[laughs]'' The Pillars have been defeated. Your school is abandoned. Face it, Twilight; '''you've lost.
''' [britannia: except you're wrong about twilight.  Face it chrysalis and patriotic villains you’re defeat is near there’s no turning back now.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You can attack us and we may fall. But Equestria will still stand, united in friendship. And we won't stop until we defeat you, no matter how many ponies you take down!
:''[The villains just laugh.]'' 
[gunshot] Gaunson: you know that the more you cause havoc the more vengeance you’re getting yourself into. Stop this madness and peacefully surrender.
:'''Lord Tirek''': pathetic. Didn't you all notice something was wrong in Equestria? We've been busy.
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': A whisper here, a rumor there...
:'''Lord Tirek''': Destroy some crops, cause some damage...
:'''Cozy Glow''': Turn pony against pony...
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': Until your whole kingdom is on edge, waiting for just one tiny thing to push them over the brink!
:'''Lord Tirek''': There's no backup friends or rainbow magic to save you now!
:'''Cozy Glow''': Golly, I think it's time for some redecorating!
:''[They proceed to destroy the throne room]''
[blade come at them] [pershing chuckles]: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': You know what’s stronger than friendship,  Pershing Twilight? ''Fear!''
:'''Lord Tirek''': ''[levitates Twilight up to him]'' Because when you have to protect yourself, you don’t have time for anypony else!
:'''Cozy Glow''': Too bad you never taught ''that'' in school.[ Gaunson throws his pistol at chrysalis] gaunson: hey bug eyed face pick on someone your own size. You’re wrong lord tirek  even when we were together we never left each other. EVEN OUR LOYAL ARMS AND HEARTS. [Tetris]:We stand strong together  while you villains devastate mercilessly. Ruthless Barbadian's.

===The Ending of the End - Part 2===
:'''Pinkie Pie''': What are we gonna do, Twilight?!?
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': The same thing we do every time, Pinkie: Try to save the world.
----
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ENOUGH! Because of you, I almost lost my way! But everycreature here has reminded me of the true power of friendship. There will always be darkness in the world, but there will also always be those who find the light! ''[Teleports all the captives to the battleground and begins to glow; the Pillars glow as well]'' The Pillars knew this! That's why they created the Elements of Harmony! The Elements showed me and my friends how strong our friendship could be! Together we worked to bring harmony to Equestria! ''[Her friends glow and float up]'' But there will always be more to do! Which is why we teach others about the Magic of Friendship! ''[The students glow and float up]'' Others who will continue our mission after we are gone! Now I truly understand! The Elements were just symbols! The real magic has always been right here! And the more who understand how powerful friendship is, the stronger we will all be! Together!
:''[The three groups fire rainbow beams at Twilight, who fires a rainbow beam of her own to the sky.]''
:'''Cozy Glow''': This is bad, isn't it?
:''[The beams shines down on the villains, taking their powers away.]''
:'''Cozy Glow''': [groans]
:'''Queen Chrysalis''': You think friendship will save you?! We will always return! Nothing will ever stop--!
:'''Spike''': ''[slurps]'' Chocolate rain?
:''' Discord''': Don't look at me!
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Pinkie! You took Discord's magic from the bell? How do you feel?
:'''Pinkie Pie''': Hmmm... Tingly. Itchy. Also like... ''[slam!]'' I COULD TRANSFORM THE COSMOS SO EVERYTHING IS MADE OF ICING!
:'''Discord''': Perhaps maybe I should...
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[dizzily]'' Waiter! There's some chaos in my soup!
:[reverbarating gong]
:'''Princess Celestia''': There isn't a punishment worthy of all you've done!
:'''Discord''': ''[whispering]'' You know what I would do if I were... ''[indistinct]''
:'''Princess Luna''': Oh. That does seem fitting.
:'''Discord''': May I help? Please?
:''[The princesses and Discord zap the villains with their magic, turning them to stone.]''
:'''Discord''': Together forever. I can't think of anything that they would want less!

===The Last Problem===
:''[doors open]'' 
:'''Spike''':  Starlight is supposed to come over soon. There's a little something we wanted to give you before we leave. You know what? I think you're right, Twilight. I should take my comics to Canterlot. We can't leave the Power Ponies behind. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I don't think the Power Ponies care, Spike. Just like all of our friends. 
:'''Applejack''': All right, Twilight. Are you ready? We all wanted to see you off, but there's still a lot to do. 
:'''Spike''': Aren't you coming on the train? 
:'''Applejack''': I gotta go with Big Mac so we can go over our packin' list or we won't know who gets what deliveries. 
:'''Rainbow Dash''': And I'm gonna meet the Wonderbolts so we can go over the routine one last time. 
:'''Pinkie Pie''':  I'm going with Gummy. He said he knows when the fireworks display should start, but does anypony really believe that?! 
:'''Fluttershy''': And I still need to pick up food for the swans and doves who flew ahead to Canterlot. If I don't get them fed, they'll be too pooped to perform. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Well, I'll be living in Canterlot alone. Might as well take the train alone, too. Bye, I guess. 
:'''Rarity''': Oh, you won't be traveling alone, darling. I'll have just enough time on the train to weave the star spider sash for your gown. But we should leave now. There's no time to dawdle if you want the coronation to be perfect. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''' That's the problem! You're all so worried about making my coronation perfect, but I'm leaving Ponyville and none of you even care! 
:'''Rest of Mane Six''': ''[gasp]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[gulps]'' Well, at least the coronation is over. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': ''[groans]''
:'''Pinkie Pie''': ''[snickers]'' 
:'''Mane 6''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': That was something. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': I was just about to say the same thing. I know maybe it wasn't the coronation you planned, but it's good to see all of you laughing. 
:'''Spike''': We wanted to give this to you before you left Ponyville, but things got a little hectic. 
:'''Starlight Glimmer''': Since you're moving away, we thought if you missed any of us or Ponyville, this might help. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Awww.
:'''Pinkie Pie''': It's a book of memories. 
:'''Applejack''': And we all chipped in some. 
:'''Fluttershy''': No matter how much things change, you'll always have this to look back on.
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I love it. Thank you so much. But I don't want to only look back. Obviously the coronation wasn't perfect, but that doesn't matter. It's our relationships that really count, and we have to maintain them. 
:'''Rarity''': But now that we'll be living in different places, I'm not exactly sure how.  
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': I am. I suggest we meet once a moon. In fact, my first royal decree as ruler of Equestria is to establish this Council of Friendship! 
:'''Mane Six, Starlight Glimmer, and Spike''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Princess Celestia''': And what a wonderful decree it is!  
:'''Princess Luna''': We always knew that whatever adversity you faced, you and your friends would find your way through it together. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': We know Equestria is in the perfect hooves with you and your friends looking out for it. And while we'll always be here if you need us, it's time for us to be on our way. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': You're leaving?
:'''Princess Luna''': We hope you'll come and visit us in Silver Shoals. 
:'''Princess Celestia''': But now it's time for you to rule on your own. You're all more than capable. 
:'''Twilight Sparkle''': Thank you. For everything. Mmmm! ''[chuckling]'' 
:'''All''': ''[laughing]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines of the series]''
:'''Luster Dawn''': So, even though everything changed and you moved away from your friends, you didn't grow apart? And this is the Council of Friendship? That's what you're all doing here?
:'''Future Rainbow Dash''': Duh! This time every moon.
:'''Future Applejack''': [chuckles] What she means is this is how we've been rulin' together.
:'''Future Rarity''': And how we've continued to face every problem and threat to Equestria over the years. 
 Greyson: I’m glad to hear that. [chuckles]   
:'''Future Pinkie Pie''': But mostly, it's how we keep in touch. No matter how busy life gets.
:'''Future Twilight Sparkle''': Sometimes friendships can be hard, and it takes work to maintain them. But without friends, things can be a lot harder. 
:'''Luster Dawn''': I never thought about friendship being something to work at, and I don't mind work. I guess if they don't have to fade away, maybe making friends isn't the waste of time I thought. But I've been so focused on my studies, I wouldn't know where to start.
:'''Future Twilight Sparkle''': That's all right, because I know exactly where to send you.
[[Category:My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Generation Z</title>
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      <text bytes="2442" sha1="r9drak1338h0fsat36zle7nljvbp6qm" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Generation Z|Generation Z]]''' (or '''Gen Z''' for short), colloquially also known as '''zoomers''', is the [[w:demography|demographic]] [[w:Cohort (statistics)|cohort]] succeeding [[w:Millennials|Millennials]] and preceding [[w:Generation Alpha|Generation Alpha]]. Typically defined as people born from 1997 to 2012. Most members of Generation Z are children of [[Generation X]].

{{Stub}}

==Quotes==
* Generation Z, they cleaned up their own mess.
** [[w:Max Brooks|Max Brooks]], ''[[w:World War Z|World War Z]]'' (2006)

* What of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]]'s impacts on the generational imbalances that had grown so intolerable in many societies by 2020? Was [[Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]] sent by [[w:Freya|Freya]], the goddess of [[youth]], to emancipate [[w:Millennials|millennials]] and Generation Z from bearing the fiscal burden of an excessive number of elderly people? It is tempting to marvel at this [[w:Ageism|ageist]] virus. No previous pandemic was so discriminating against the elderly and in favor of the young. But in truth, the impact of COVID-19 in terms of [[w:Excess mortality|excess mortality]] will probably not be great enough to balance the intergenerational accounts. In the short run, the majority of old people will remain [[Retirement|retired]]; relatively few will die prematurely―hardly any in the most elderly of countries, [[Japan]]. The young, meanwhile, will be the ones struggling to find jobs (other than [[w:Amazon (company)|Amazon]]) and struggling almost as much to have [[fun]]. An [[economy]] without crowds is not a &quot;[[w:New normal|new normal]].&quot; It may be more like the new anomie, to borrow [[Émile Durkheim]]'s term for the sense of disconnectedness he associated with modernity. For most young people, the word &quot;fun&quot; is almost synonymous with &quot;crowd.&quot; The era of distancing will be a time of [[depression]] in the psychological as well as the [[Depression (economics)|economic sense]]. The gloom will be especially deep for Generation Z, whose [[Universities|university]] [[Social life|social lives]]―half the point of college, if not more―have been wrecked. They will spend yet more time on [[w:consumer electronics|electronic devices]]―perhaps an hour a day more than before the pandemic. It will not make them happier. 
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''Doom: The Politics of Catastrophe'' (2021), p. 382

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}  

[[Category:Age]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607274</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:14:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Markjoseph125</username>
        <id>19526</id>
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      <text bytes="2663" sha1="9xrzxx2tmt6j8ilka91kx06ecgis4zw" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Generation Z|Generation Z]]''' (or '''Gen Z''' for short), colloquially also known as '''zoomers''', is the [[w:demography|demographic]] [[w:Cohort (statistics)|cohort]] succeeding [[w:Millennials|Millennials]] and preceding [[w:Generation Alpha|Generation Alpha]]. Typically defined as people born from 1997 to 2012. Most members of Generation Z are children of [[Generation X]].

{{Stub}}

==Quotes==
* Generation Z, they cleaned up their own mess.
** [[w:Max Brooks|Max Brooks]], ''[[w:World War Z|World War Z]]'' (2006)

* What of the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]]'s impacts on the generational imbalances that had grown so intolerable in many societies by 2020? Was [[Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]] sent by [[w:Freya|Freya]], the goddess of [[youth]], to emancipate [[w:Millennials|millennials]] and Generation Z from bearing the fiscal burden of an excessive number of elderly people? It is tempting to marvel at this [[w:Ageism|ageist]] virus. No previous pandemic was so discriminating against the elderly and in favor of the young. But in truth, the impact of COVID-19 in terms of [[w:Excess mortality|excess mortality]] will probably not be great enough to balance the intergenerational accounts. In the short run, the majority of old people will remain [[Retirement|retired]]; relatively few will die prematurely―hardly any in the most elderly of countries, [[Japan]]. The young, meanwhile, will be the ones struggling to find jobs (other than [[w:Amazon (company)|Amazon]]) and struggling almost as much to have [[fun]]. An [[economy]] without crowds is not a &quot;[[w:New normal|new normal]].&quot; It may be more like the new anomie, to borrow [[Émile Durkheim]]'s term for the sense of disconnectedness he associated with modernity. For most young people, the word &quot;fun&quot; is almost synonymous with &quot;crowd.&quot; The era of distancing will be a time of [[depression]] in the psychological as well as the [[Depression (economics)|economic sense]]. The gloom will be especially deep for Generation Z, whose [[Universities|university]] [[Social life|social lives]]―half the point of college, if not more―have been wrecked. They will spend yet more time on [[w:consumer electronics|electronic devices]]―perhaps an hour a day more than before the pandemic. It will not make them happier. 
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''Doom: The Politics of Catastrophe'' (2021), p. 382

* History is complicated and Gen Z reasoning is not. They think that they are pure, but they are really just simplistic.
** [[Bill Maher]], ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LWe2L-k67o New Rule: Patriotic Privilege'']

==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}  

[[Category:Age]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)</title>
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

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[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

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[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
* [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]
* Yukio Mashimi
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
* Professor August O'Neil - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Robyn O'Neil
*
*
*
*
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
* [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]
* Yukio Mashimi
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
* Professor August O'Neil - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Robyn O'Neil
*
*
*
* 
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Gyoji - voiced by [[w:Oliver Wyman (actor)|Oliver Wyman]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
* [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]
* Yukio Mashimi
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==
* This marks the debut appearance of Raptarr.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
* Professor August O'Neil - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Robyn O'Neil
*
*
*
* 
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Gyoji - voiced by [[w:Oliver Wyman (actor)|Oliver Wyman]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
* [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]
* Yukio Mashimi
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
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'''Seasons''': [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) (season 5): Ninja Tribunal|5: Ninja Tribunal]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward|6: Fast Forward]] / [[TMNT: Back to the Sewer|7: Back to the Sewer]] | '''Film''': [[Turtles Forever]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of the 2003 series '''''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'''''.

==Cousin Sid==
* This marks the debut appearance of Casey Jones's cousin Sid.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Master Splinter]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: '''Raphael''': Hey, I like it when Leo acts tough. We should get Karai to stab him more often.
:''(Leo angrily glares)''

==The People's Choice==
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' Who would have guessed that getting back to nature with my bro's would turn into a sci-fi marathon? There's nothing cooler than slimy, slippery space-creatures, giant alien blobs, cosmic rock creatures with a bad attitude, or intergalactic catfight! And here I thought our camping trip was going to be boring. Silly me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Sons of the Silent Age==
:'''[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I love nature. Its beauty, its balance and perfection. Nature reminds me of what I learned in school about the scientist Charles Darwin. Darwin believed in the survival of the fittest. He explained how life on Earth could be defined simply as the struggle for existence. But, it seems to me that the struggle for existence is never very simple.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Then the first thing we have ta' do is sneak in there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Right, and like the Three Musketeers used to say, &quot;One for all and all for ninja mode.&quot; Course, I'm paraphrasing. ''[smack]'' Owww!
:'''Raph''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Mikey''': What?

==Dragon's Brew==
* This is the only episodes in the series to not feature Raph (despite being mentioned), Mikey, and Donnie.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(Narrating)'' This is the dawning of a new age. I have seen the past and I have touched the future. I have learned from my late great master that preparation is everything and I am prepared. Our destiny will soon be at hand. Nothing can stop us now. Nothing.

==I, Monster==
* This marks the debut appearance of Rat King.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rat King''': ''(Narrating)'' I awoke in the mud and the slime of a filthy river. I don't know where I am or even who I am. I'm haunted by glimpses... momentary fragments of a life I think I had. But what life do I have now? What am I, but a monster? And now all will fear me... because everything fears the monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Grudge Match==
:'''[[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]''': ''(Narrating)'' It may look like just another day in the Battle Nexus, with the crowds and the cheering, but trust me, this day was gonna be special. I was looking forward to somebody finally shutting Mikey up about being Battle Nexus Champion. But it was starting to look like they were gonna shut Mikey up permanently.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Yes. Pizza sounds very appetizing right now, with pepperoni and ''karma''.

==A Wing and a Prayer==
* This marks the debut appearance of Raptarr.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raptarr''': ''(Narrating)'' Long have I watched over the world of man, and have I've been sickened by the ruthless acts of a soulless few. But through it all, I have learned more of who I am. Some call me &quot;Hunter&quot;. Some call me &quot;Protector&quot;. Whatever I am called, I have vowed to be this world's guardian angel.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Bad Day==
:'''[[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]''': ''(Narrating)'' OK, pop quiz: If a dozen of Agent Bishop's deadly commandos are chasing you at ninety miles an hour from points A, B, and C, what are the odds you're gonna survive the next five minutes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, but I am not speaking to you. I wait for my true foes to reveal themselves. You cannot touch me!
:'''Foot Mystic''': This one is more powerful than we imagined.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Fools! Another failure!?
:'''Fire Mystic''': Our encounter has given information that will be useful to us. But we did not expect our forces to be breached.
:'''Karai''': And you recklessly revealed your presence to the rodent!
:'''Water Mystic''': We assure you, we have gained enough knowledge for our next assault.
:'''Karai''': Then make it so! Otherwise, when I attack, I assure you it will be no illusion!!

==Aliens Among Us==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For more years than I can remember I have stood watch. Preparing for a day I've long known was inevitable. The alien threat is real. And the world has suffered at the hand of these invaders. The world must be prepared it must always be vigilant. And I will make sure it is, no matter what the cost.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Dragons Rising==
* This marks the only appearance of Arnold Casey Jones Sr., the late father of [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] in flashbacks
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]]''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, it's taken me quite a while, but I've really come a long way. I finally got my temper under control. However, there are still a few certain things that can really make my blood boil. Hun is one of them certain things. Me and him, we go way back. When my old man wouldn't pay him for protection money, they torched our store. 
:'''Hun''': ''[grabs young Casey]'' You tell your old man punk, Next time pay up or else. ''[drops young Casey and walks off with the Purple dragons gang as young Casey watches sadly]''
:'''Casey Jones''': ''(Narrating)'' Yeah, me and him, we still got a score to settle. No matter how I try to plan out this problem, the two of us are headed for a bad, bad, showdown. Who knows? Maybe I haven't come as far as I thought.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Jones''': Arnold, please. Is too dangerous.
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':
:'''Young Casey''':
:'''Arnold''':

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
: ''[Casey, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello are inside the Battle Shell and Leonardo stands behind the vehicle outside and crossed his arms]''
:'''Raphael''': Come on, Leo, get in.
:'''Michelangelo''': Let’s go home, bro. ''[Leonardo doesn’t move]''
:'''Raph''': '''Now what!?''' ''[groans]''
:'''Leonardo''': We didn't finish the job. We blew it. Again! '''We blew it!'''
:'''Donatello''': We did the best we could. At least we stopped half the convoy.
:'''Leo''': '''Half'''. We stopped '''half'''. And only because we got lucky. ''[and looks at his brothers and Casey]'' Is that good enough for you? Is it!? We're always one step behind. We act like a bunch of '''amateurs'''! How many more times are we gonna get beaten before you guys '''wise up and realize''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''this isn't a game!?'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[turns around and storms off alone]''
:'''Raph''': ''[stands up and flips the switch to close the back doors]'' I hate to admit it, but he ain't wrong.
: ''[Donatello starts the Battle Shell and drives away, Casey walks up next to him]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Donny, drive by the cemetery, will ya’? I got an important stop I need to make. 
: ''[The turtles wait at the Battle Shell as Casey enters the cemetery, he walks up to his father’s grave]''
:'''Casey''': Hey, Pops, I brought ya’ something. ''[kneels and places the torn piece of jacket from Hun on the grave, the marker reads “Arnold Casey Jones Sr. Beloved Husband, Father and Friend.”]'' You spoke true, Pop. No matter what, you gotta stand up and do the right thing. But I guess I’m lucky. Even when the odds are against me, I ain’t alone. I got friends. Good friends.
:''[The three turtles stand together and watching him as the morning sun rises]''

==Still Nobody==
:'''Nobody''': ''(Narrating)'' Watching over the city, I have learned the sad truth that violence begins violence. They say nobody can break the cycle. That nobody cares. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody tries to change things and they're right. Because I'm still Nobody and I do care. I will try to change things. I will make a difference.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hun''': ''(sarcastic)'' Lovely party, Karai.
:'''Karai''': Hun. I did not expect to see you at this dedication.
:'''Hun''': Explain something to me, Karai! You do all this in the name of the Shredder. He was a slimy, alien bug! How could you have known that and still serve him?!
:'''Karai''': The Shredder gave me a life. He was my father, and I vow in his name that those responsible shall be destroyed!

==All Hallows Thieves==
:'''Raphael''': ''(Narrating)'' Halloween in New York City. One of my favorite times of the year. A day where no matter how odd, how freaky, or scary you might be, you fit in with everyone else. A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and heroes and get free candy. A day when even a teenage mutant ninja turtle can walk around in the open. Of course, some Halloweens are filled with more tricks than treats. Maybe this year, we should've stayed home and rented scary movies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Samurai Tourist==
:'''Miyamoto Usagi''': ''(Narrating)'' The paths we walk in life are different for each of us. Some walk the land without a care in the world while some choose to take on burdens that would crush the spirits of most. The land cares little of which path you choose. But its inhabitants are another matter entirely. Clearly, this is not our land. Gennosuke and I came to visit old friends, but I fear now that our presence has done more harm than good.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Ancient One==
* This marks the debut appearance of the Ancient One.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]''': ''(Narrating)'' I've traveled thousands of miles looking for an answer, only to wind up here, halfway across the world in the middle of nowhere, battling it out with four nasty creatures, more ghosts than man, but who's steel is all too real. Meanwhile, my traveling companion, some gross slob who attached himself to me like a bloated tick, doesn't do a thing to help out. He just sits there, grinning like a fool, leaving me to fight for both our lives. I've journeyed all across the world in search for answers, and instead, all I'm gonna get is my head chopped off.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The episode begins inside the turtles’ lair, as Leonardo and Splinter spar.]''
:'''Leonardo''': I already told you, I’m fine.
:'''Master Splinter''': You are sure?
:''[Michelangelo lowers his comic book and grimaces.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nothing’s the matter, Sensei. Why do you keep asking me that?
:'''Master Splinter''': So much anger. The unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear. ''[Donatello spots Raphael at the weight bench.]'' For months now you have been brooding, surly, and stubborn.
:''[Donatello appears worried.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Yeah, right.
:''[Donatello and Raphael glance at one another. Shift to Splinter and Leonardo, who are sparring with swords.]''
:'''Master Splinter''': You have not been yourself. You must release what festers within you. Your family will help you, Leonardo. It is important that we be open with one another.
:''[Leonardo attacks and manages to disarm Splinter. He then angrily confronts his father.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Open?! Okay, this Katana lesson stinks! I've mastered this years ago! '''YEARS AGO'''!!
:'''Master Splinter''': ''[stares at him and then retrieves the sword.]'' It is not the students choice to say when a lesson is learned. ''[He attacks.]'' The student’s place is to listen and learn.
:''[The sparring grows fierce and the other turtles gather to watch.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Something tells me the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle.
:'''Raphael''': That hothead. ''[Donatello and Michelangelo look at him]'' I hate it when Leo reminds me of me.
:'''Leonardo''': I've already mastered this lesson! ''[shoves Splinter.]'' And yesterday's lesson! And the lesson before that! '''WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME''' ''[disarms Splinter.]'' '''SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW?!!!''' ''[slashes at Splinter and slices his head. The other turtles run to their father as he drops to one knee and grabs his head.]''
:'''Donatello''': Master Splinter!
:'''Michelangelo''': Are you okay?
:''[Leonardo drops his sword.]''
:'''Raphael''':	Leo, what the shell is your problem!?
:'''Leonardo''': ''[shoves past Raphael]'' Master! ''[and Donatello]'' Master, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just lost control. ''[He hangs his head.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Scion of the Shredder==
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] assumes the legacy of her adopted Utrom father and becomes the new Shredder and the Ninja Turtles' sworn enemy, especially toward Leo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' I've been worried a lot lately. For starters, I'm worried about the Foot. They're back... and they're tougher than ever. And... I'm worried about my brother, Leonardo. He's on a quest to parts unknown, and I'm worried he's not gonna find what he's been looking for. But mostly... I'm worried that Leo won't find us alive when he gets back. Master Splinter tells me that I worry too much. Okay, you tell me. Should I be worried?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ancient One''': Leonardo, your family is in grave danger.
:'''Leonardo''': What? ''[jumps up and leaps over to join the Ancient One, who nods at him.]'' I understand, Sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Oroku Saki is gone, thanks to you, but the Shredder lives on!
:'''Donnie:''' Karai!?
:'''Splinter:''' So the daughter of Oroku Saki has become the Shredder. Why?
:'''Karai:''' Honor demands it, Splinter-san. After you helped the vile Utroms exile my father, I vowed to avenge his honor!
:'''Splinter:''' You dare speak of honor!? Your father murdered my Master Yoshi! Your father had no honor!
:'''Karai:''' You will pay for your lie! ''All of you!!'' Where is Leonardo?!
:'''Raph:''' He ain't here.
:'''Mikey:''' You know, you just missed him, but if you leave right now, we'll tell him that you stopped by.
:'''Karai:''' You mock me. The fact that you still live mocks me!! 

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Master Yoshi's orb. ''[Karai brakes it]'' No!!
:'''Karai:''' Your sons destroyed my father! Now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go, but he would not listen to reason!!
:'''Splinter:''' It is you who has been blinded to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But you will not allow yourself to see the truth!!
:'''Karai:''' I see clearly, rat! and you will pay for what you have done to me!
:'''Splinter:''' I reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil, but I can see now that has consumed you!! You are faster than your father. I will give you that, but your dark heart will betray you, just as his did!
:'''Karai:''' You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent!! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Donnie, you take Master Splinter with you. We split up, get out, and hook back up again topside. Got it? ''[They jump as a Shrednaut strikes the ledge they were on.]'' Now let’s go! And guys, be careful.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Karai:''' ''Find them!!'' They must not be allowed to live, and tear this filthy place apart!!

==Prodigal Son==

* Leo becomes less trustful towards Karai since this episode. However, he still appears to have feelings for her as he spared her life.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]]''': ''(Praying)'' Honorable father, though you are imprisoned among the stars, I bring you news that will set free your soul. I, your humble daughter, Karai, discovered the lair of your most hated enemies and led a full Foot attack force against them. Utterly defeated, all they could was flee. Donatello and the rat we left destroyed at the bottom of the river. Michelangelo tried to burrow his way into safety, but he could not dig deep enough to escape my wrath. And Raphael was blown to smithereens in the turtles' own Battle Shell. All that remains is Leonardo, father, and once I find him, then you will truly and forever be avenged!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Man! I really missed this old place. ''[sees the ruins of the Lair]'' Oh no!! No!! What happened here!?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''[from her warning note]'' Leo, I'm so sorry. I not sure what to say, the others are... Karai said she got them all. She left this. She says your next. Be careful.
:'''Leonardo''': No! It can't be! Karai is lying!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Please be careful, my son. She will be well guarded, and her skills are much improved.
:'''Leonardo''': So are mine, sensei. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''[coldly]'' Hello, Karai. Got your message.
:'''Karai''': I am impressed. Security here is very tight, yet here you are, undetected.
:'''Leo''': So, you are the new Shredder?
:'''Karai''': Yes. And I am your doom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' You have gone too far this time, Karai!!
:'''Karai:''' Not far enough! Not until you lie broken and battered at my feet!
:'''Leo:''' I remember when we first met, Karai! We fought side by side and I said you were nothing like the Shredder, but I was wrong! ''You're exactly like him!! You understand nothing!!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Your own anger defeats you, Karai. You remind me of a Turtle I used to know.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Go ahead. Do it! Finish me!
:'''Leo:''' No. I'm giving you one last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it. And Karai, ''stay away from my family!''!

==Outbreak==
:'''Agent Bishop''': ''(Narrating)'' For too long, our world, our history, has been influenced by extraterrestrial threats. I know this all too well. My purpose has always been clear: Defend against the threat. Rebuild humanity to resist invasion. It hasn't always been easy. There are tough choices that need to be made. Someone has to stop this alien plague. It was a vow I made long ago. And I intend to keep it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': You okay, bro’? [He helps Donatello up.]
:'''Donatello''': Thanks.
:'''Michelangelo''': Don, Raph, watch out!
:''[They turn to see several tentacles shooting towards them. Raphael shoves Donatello out of  the way.]''
:'''Raphael''': Move!
:''[Raphael avoids the tentacles, but one of the spikes strikes Donatello’s thigh.]''
:'''Donatello''': Oh! 
:''[Raphael pins the tentacle with his sai.]''
:'''Donatello''': My leg.
:'''Raphael''': You okay?
:'''Donatello''': Yeah, just a nick. Uh, thanks again.

==Trouble with Augie==
* This marks the only appearance of Professor August O'Neil, an uncle of [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] and is the only appearance of Robyn O'Neil, a sister of April.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''April O'Neil''': ''(Narrating)'' The man in the hat is my uncle Augie. Uncle Augie didn't just teach me math and science, he taught me to love them. If it wasn't for him, I never would've have gotten my college degree in math. Uncle Augie was always coming and going, off on adventures, but we made the most of our time together. Then one day, uncle Augie just disappeared and he never came back. I'd give anything to see my uncle Augie again. I know he's alive and somehow, someway, I'm going to find him.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Especially since Karai the new miss Shredder showed up at your shop.

==Insane in the Membrane==
* This marks the only appearance of Baxter Stockman's mother in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Montage of Stockman's accomplishments accompanied by his voice over]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned, revered, worshipped! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes.
:''[Flashback of Shredder ordering Hun to drag Stockman away.]''
:'''Stockman''': No, '''NOOOOOOOOOO!'''
:''[We see Hun, from Stockman's POV, thrusting a saw in his face, and the image shatters as it makes contact. A montage of Stockman's various injuries plays until we see him as just a brain in a jar]''
:'''Stockman''': ''(Narrating)'' They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to nearly nothing. ''[Stockman, in his deteriorated form, approaches the camera menacingly]'' But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stockman''': Baxter, ''[coughing]'' I'm sorry baby doll Mama's just worn out, I guess this old body just can't take it, I so wanted to see you grow up and be a fine man, I did ''[coughing]'' Remember the sky's the limit for you boy, I love you Baxter. ''[dies]''
:'''Young Baxter''': No, Mama! Don't leave me. Mama! Mama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Let her go, Stockman!
:'''Stockman''': April? You, you betrayed me!
:'''Donnie''': Run, April! Get out of here!
:'''Stockman''': No! She can't leave, I forbid it!
:'''Mikey''': You asked for it, Dr. Stockman-Stein!


&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now we can finally set things right.
:'''April''': Doctor Stockman, please don’t this, can you remember when your work helped people when it was about the science? You were a brilliant man the sky was the limit for you Doctor Stockman.
:'''Stockman''': ''[starts hallucinating again.]'' Mama? ''[sees April as his mother.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': The sky was the limit you were such a good boy, you had so much potential, what happened to you baby doll? ''[sees her as herself again]''
:'''April''': You were someone I admired, someone I respected and you can be again.
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	Mama what have I done?
:''[The coupling of the cable car continues to break]''
:'''April''': Doctor.
:''[Stockman hallucinates April as his mother again.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman's mother''': Baxter.
:'''April''': Please.
:''[The cable car shakes and she trips backwards.]''
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	(gasps) Mama, Mama.
:'''Casey''': April!
:'''Baxter Stockman''':	''[still hallucinates April as his mother]'' Mama. You've got to get off of here, Mama it's not safe. ''[He comes to April and picks her, Casey climbs down the cable and grabs April.]'' Hurry Mama, ''[Casey places his around April and they both look at Stockman]'' hurry! I love you, Mama! I… ''[The coupling brakes from the cable and the cable car falls in to the river]'' I… Ahhh!
:''[The slash is heard as April cries over Stockman's &quot;death&quot;, the turtles pull the cable getting Casey and April to safety inside the copter.]''
:'''Mikey''': Man, you think that's the end of Stockman?
:'''Leo''': We've seen him come back from worse. Only time will tell.
:'''Raph''': Well, I say it good riddance! That psycho's giving us nothing, but grief, ever since we met him!
:'''Donnie''': I dunno, at least he gave us this neat chopper... sort of. Now, let's just find a place to park it.

==Return of Savanti==
===Part 1 [4.20]===
:'''Donatello''': ''(Narrating)'' My name is Donatello and right now I can't help but think of an old saying: Be careful what you wish for. All my life, I've been fascinated with what they call &quot;terrible lizards&quot; and &quot;thunder beasts&quot;. Dinosaurs. But now, amazingly, I got my wish. Here I am in the Cretaceous Period, 65 million years ago, finally seeing them with my own two eyes, while running for my life. So be careful what you wish for, or, just like the dinosaurs, you might find yourself facing sudden extinction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===Part 2 [4.21]===
:'''Savanti Romero''': ''(Narrating)'' Eons ago, I was on the verge of ultimate power. With the omnipotent Time Scepter, I, Savanti Romero, was going to rule all of time. That is, until Lord Simultaneous thwarted my plan. He turned me into a monster and exiled me from null time to Earth's Middle Ages where he hoped never to hear from me again. But instead, I plotted: Summoning all my magic, I tried again to take the time scepter and use it against Lord Simultaneous. But thanks to the interference of those accursed ninja turtles and that foolish timestress Renet, my victory was denied and Simultaneous exiled me once more, even further in time to Earth's Cretaceous Period, but that did not stop me. Again, I gathered my magic and lured my prey back through time. Savanti Romero will not be denied his revenge. The timestress will pay for her meddling. The time scepter will finally be mine. As for the turtles, they have no idea of the changes that are about to befall them.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==The Tale of Master Yoshi==
* This marks the only appearance of [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]], and Yukio Mashimi in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Honor. Integrity. Bushido. These were the ideals that drove Master Splinter's beloved master: Hamato Yoshi. He had traveled far to reach this castle fortress only to find four Foot elite warriors barring his way. But four or four hundred, it mattered not for on this particular night, Yoshi was driven by a powerful force unfamiliar to him. Hatred. Hatred that burned so bright it threatened to destroy him. Hatred born out of the need for revenge.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donatello''': I know! Maybe Leo should tell us about the Ancient One.
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, Leo. I want to know the other things you learned on how to kick butt.
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I wouldn't know where to start, but there is one story I think you might want to hear... about Master Splinter's master, Hamato Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': It's a story about a girl.
:'''Raphael''': A girl? Does she kick butt?
:'''Master Splinter''': Raphael. Please, continue, Leonardo.
:'''Leo''': Okay. Our story begins long ago in the 1960s. Japan was just getting back on its feet.
:'''Michelangelo''': After an attack by [[Godzilla]]?
:'''Leo''': No. After its defeat in [[w:World War II|World War II]]. It was not uncommon to see young orphaned boys in the streets, begging for food and money.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' So the Ancient One took Yoshi and his friend into his home, and trained them in the ways of ninjitsu, and treated them as if they were his own sons. As they grew into young men, they became closer than brothers, best of friends who do everything together. They even fell in love at the same time, with the same girl - [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]. They were crazy about her. Tang Shen was also an orphan raised by the Ancient One. It was her loving care that made the Ancient One's house into a home and that often brought unexpected visitors to her kitchen. 
:'''Tang Shen''': Mashimi, no!
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But Tang Shen saw a hungry innocent creature and, as always, her first thought was to care for it. She decided to keep the curious rat as a pet. Seeing that Tang Shen had grown fond of the hungry little visitor, Yoshi had built a home for the newest member of their family. Although, Tang Shen had captured both the boys' hearts, it was clear that her heart belonged to only one of them - Yoshi.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' But the Ancient One was dead set against it.
:'''Ancient One''':	Ha, no. The Guardians are no place for you. You must not do this. Yoshi, a different destiny awaits you. Neither of you are ready. You need much more training.
:'''Mashimi''': Sensei, we are more than ready.
:'''Ancient One''':	In body perhaps, but it is your heart and mind that still need training, my son.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': The Guardians are an honorable force for good, Sensei. I want to help them.
:''[Tang Shen peers through the doorway into the dojo.]''
:'''Ancient One''': No. I forbid you to join the Guardians. ''[leaves]'' That is my final word.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Though his friendship with Mashimi began to diminish, Yoshi's bond with Tang Shen grew stronger than ever, but the coils of jealousy were winding tighter and tighter in Mashimi's soul until... something snapped.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mortu''': Mashini, you have betrayed us!?
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, why?
:'''Mashimi''': How dare you ask why! ''You'' betrayed ''me!'' We were like brothers, but you had everything and left me with nothing!! Now I take everything from you, including your life!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' Yoshi returned to tell Tang Shen all that had happened, only to find out the horrible truth.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Tang Shen!? No! NOOOO!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at Shen's grave]''
:'''Ancient One''': This is all my fault. I knew Mashimi had a dark streak in his heart.
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': It is not your fault, Master. It is Mashimi's fault and he shall pay with his life!!
:'''Ancient One''': Be careful, my son. Vengeance is like a splinter that will poison your mind and heart.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Mashimi, I challenge you to a duel, assassin!!
:'''Mashimi''': A duel!? Ha! You have unknowingly stepped into the lion's den, Yoshi! I do not need to fight you! We outnumber you!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mashimi''': So, Yoshi, our story comes full circle! It began with the two of us and it will end with just the two of us!!
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': This story will only end with one of us, Mashimi!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Hamoto Yoshi''': Well, little one. I will name you Splinter. And together, we will remind ourselves of Tang Shen. Of her beauty, her kindness, and love.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Well, I think we all know the rest of the story.
:'''Michelangleo''': Man! What a bummer story.
:'''Master Splinter''': Perhaps, Michelangelo, but perhaps not. It not for these events, I would never have been brought to New York.
:'''Donatello''': And the Utroms would never have had to relocate here either, meaning no ooze.
:'''Raphael''': No us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Present Day Japan. The Ancient One approaches a home. Inside, a gate rises and he proceeds down a long flight of stairs. He enters a large chamber, lit by fire sconces mounted around the center of a circular area. He bows.]''
:'''Ancient One''': I have come to plead for the turtles. You must not carry out your designs.
:''[From the darkness, a pair of blue eyes light up. It is one of the Ninja Tribunal.]''
:'''Juto-Shisho''': You are too late, Ancient One.
:''[From another side, the bright eyes are green.]''
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We have decided.
:''[Yet a third set of eyes, silver in color, appears.]''
:'''Kon-Shisho''': We will judge the turtles’ fate. We will determine whether they will live...
:'''Juto-Shisho''':	Or how they will meet their end.
:''[The Ancient One bows.]''

==&lt;span style=color:purple&gt;'''The Mutated Era of Donatello'''&lt;/span&gt;==

===Adventures in Turtle Sitting===
:'''Leo''' ''[narrating]'': Things are not good, and they're getting worse by the second. We could really use good old Donnie right about now. Ever since Bishop's mutant outbreak began, Don's been the one guiding us through this whole mess. Coming up with all the answers.
:''[Michelangelo gets hit]''
:'''Raph''': Mikey!
:'''Leo''': ''[narrating]'' There have been ''hundreds'' of times we'd've been turtle-waxed... if Don's brains hadn't bailed us out. ''[sees Raph getting grabbed a monster]'' Raph! '''[narrating]''' It's too bad Don's not here now, because this is definitely one of those times.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': I've picked up this little bug and I haven't been able to shake it. ''[blows nose]'' I was feeling alright, but I just can't handle mutants right now.
:'''Mikey''': Did you figure that out before, or after you barfed in the Battle Shell?
:'''Raph''': Mikey! ''[slaps Mikey in the head]''
:'''Mikey''': OW!
:'''Raph''': Adults are talking. April, can you keep an eye on Donnie for us?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': And remember guys, just contain them, do not splatter them.
:'''Raphael''': We know the drill. Can't have that cream filling spillin' out, infecting other creatures with their freako DNA. The last thing we need is more genetic rejects. I mean, we've already got Mikey.
:''[It's loving brother time!]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Donatello mutates]''
:'''April O'Neil''': This is crazy!
:'''Casey Jones''': What do we do?!
:'''April''': It's Don right? Try talking to him!
:'''Casey''': Talk to him, are you nuts!? He's a savage, freaky monster and '''YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!!!'''
:''[Casey being the voice of reason]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh ugly, mutated-version-of-my-beloved-brother DONATELLOOOO, where are youuu~?
:''[Mutant Donatello appears]''
:'''Mikey''':  Like, ZOINKS!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna, humna! WHOA!
:''[mutant Donatello keeps swinging his fists to Michelangelo, who keeps dodging them by swinging back and forward]''
:'''Mikey''': Now I know how a piñata feels! ''[dodge another fist swing]'' AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': I regret to say... I cannot cure him.
:'''Mikey''': What?! NO!!
:'''Raphael''': '''MAN, I AM GONNA TAKE BISHOP AND RAM MY FOOT SO FAR...'''
:'''Leonardo''': Easy, Raph! We'll find cure, but first we got to capture Don before he hurts himself or anyone else.
:''[Raph almost says something inappropriate for kids]''

===Good Genes===

====Part 1 [2.24]====
:'''[[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]]''': ''(Narrating)'' As we fly through the night, I can't help but ponder: intelligence, reason, even simple thought. Most people take these things for granted. I do not. For I know what it's like to be an advanced mind, trapped in the body of a brute... of a monster. But for once, I am not the monster in question. My friend Donatello is one of the gentlest souls I've ever met, with one of the finest minds I've ever known. But now, thanks to the evil agent Bishop, my friend has been transformed into a thoughtless savage. And I fear that the Donatello I know may truly be lost forever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Mystics, your master has need of you!
:'''Water Mystic''': Our master is the Shredder. Not you, little girl!
:'''Fire Mystic''': You are nothing but a pretender!
:'''Karai''': You forget your place, Mystics! I hold the same power over you as my father did! Find Leonardo! He must pay for his crimes against my father!
:'''Earth Mystic''': Perhaps he will find you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Once we have Bishop, We'll convince him to help Don.
:'''Raph''': Leatherhead and I can handle that part of the plan, we can be very convincing. ''[punches hand]''
:'''Michelangelo''': It's Area 51, they probably have a UFO watching us from SPACE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Stockman''': Now open that hunk a' junk.

====Part 2 [2.25]====
:'''Leo''': ''(Narrating)'' A wise man once said: I've got a bad feeling about this. And right now, I know how he feels. Believe it or not, that's my brother Donatello. And right now, he's sick. Really sick. He was scratched by one of Bishop's outbreak mutants, and now he has become a savage, mindless monster. Had it been any of us, we would have looked at Don to save the day. But even with Leatherhead's help, we're no closer to finding a cure. With no other options, we tracked down the one man who might have a cure: the man responsible for the outbreak in the first place: Agent Bishop. Bishop agreed to cure Don, but for a price. Infiltrating Foot central? It's an impossible mission. But what can we do? Our brother is sick. And there's nothing we won't do to save him. Even if it means... making a deal with the devil.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Agent Bishop''': Comm systems on, secure channel
:'''The Entity''': Ah, Agent Bishop, we are transmitting coordinates to you even as we speak
:'''Bishop''': And in return?
:'''Entity''': We will let you know, will you be retrieving the artifact yourself?
:'''Bishop''': Of cause not, i'll sending in special agents.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leatherhead''': Donatello's condition continues to deteriorate, there's not much time.
:'''Master Splinter''': Doctor Stockman, Agent Bisharp told us you have administer the cure to Donatello.
:'''Baxter Stockman''': To think I sunk so low that unparalleled genius would be used save the life of these freaks, unfathomable.
:'''Leatherhead''': Where is the cure Stockman?
:'''Stockman''': I am pulled sweet oblivion for what? this?
:'''Leatherhead''': Show us the cure NOW!
:'''Stockman''': CURE? you stupid animal, Agent Bishop lied there is no cure.
:'''Splinter''': WHAT?!
:''[Leatherhead growls and his eyes turn green on Stockman]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leo''': April come in
:'''April''': Go leo
:'''Leo''': we've made it to the Foots garbage disposal facility, time for you &amp; Casey to do your thing
:'''April''': Casey's heading in to the power station now, stand by
:'''Casey''': Hey if we gonna put a computer virus in here to shut down the power, how come you're not going in?
:'''April''': Because I don't look like a janitor
:'''Casey''': Gee thanks
:'''Leo''': Keep us posted April, we're moving into position
:'''April''': Roger that
:'''Leo''': Well here the fun starts
:'''April''': All the buildings garbage go through shoots that led to an incinerator
:'''Michelangelo''': We're going in through the furnace, isn't that gonna be hot????
:'''Leo''': It's our only way and that's not all,once through the incinerators we go up a shoots.
:'''April''': Which Karai has secured with a deadly grid of lazers
:'''Leo''': When the power drops we go up the vent, we gotta beat the emergency-power kicking in
:'''Mikey''': Ah, Leo why is the grid still on?
:'''Leo''': Casey, April, cut that power or we're turtles flambe.
:'''Casey''': I've put in the stupid virus but it ain't working!
:'''Leo''': Casey we really need that power out NOW
:'''Casey''': Alright, you stupid computers, we're doing this old school, ''[picks up a computer]'' GOONGALA!!! ''[throws computer]'', Woo hoo
:'''Leo''': Grids' down

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Find out what's going on . . . Leonardo is here, but why?, why would he come here?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Good work Casey we're in, April go the phase 3: get to the copter
:'''April O'Neil''': On it
:'''Leo''': remember we get what we need and get out, Ralph you know what you have to do, Mikey you're with me, let's go

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Metal Mystic''': Everything goes as planned my brothers.
:'''Earth Mystic''': Soon we all be free!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[About the mystic Heart of Tengu]''
:'''Karai''': No!! Give that to me!! You do not know what you are doing!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You cannot take that!
:'''Leonardo''': Watch me!!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karai''': Leonardo, face me!!
:'''Michelangelo''': Get in, Get out, right? It's not about Karai, right?
:'''Leo''': Right.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don''': ''[Emerges from a cloud of mist, cured]'' Hey guys, what's up? ''[collapses into Leatherhead's arms]''
:'''Leatherhead''': I have you, my friend.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Master Splinter''': Welcome back, my son.
:'''Don''': I hope you guys didn't go through too much trouble for me. (Did you?)
:''[Everyone is silent]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Nah.

==Ninja Tribunal==
:'''Leonardo''': ''(Narrating)'' You know, if there's one thing I've learned being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is to always expect the unexpected. But with all of our training, and all of our hard work, I'd like to think that we're ready for anything. But sometimes, the unexpected is just a little too... unexpected.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, no offense Donnie, but you weren't too much fun when you were... sick.
:'''Michelangelo''': Fun?! He was a monster. An absolutely, horrible, drooling big nasty-fanged monster! You tried to eat my leg!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Are we sure that Donnie's all better? See the full moon, Donnie? Do you feel the monster inside? The monster taking control?! 'MWAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Donatello''': Oh no. I'm- I'm changing! '''RAAAAGGGHH!'''
:'''Mikey''': AAAAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S TRYING TO EAT MY LEG AGAIN!  AAAAAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After the enemy ninjas demonstrated their weapon sticks to the Turtles.]''
:'''Raphael''': Now maybe it's just me, but I think these guys plan to stick it to us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juto-Shisho''': Bow when you enter this sanctuary.
:'''Chikara-Shisho''': We require warriors to combatant, and as pathetic as you are, you eight are our best hope.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''':  You expect us to fight each other?
:'''Raphael''': Forget it, bucketheads.
:'''Kon-Shisho''': You WILL fight, or you will be destroyed.

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Michael Sinterniklaas|Michael Sinterniklaas]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Sam Riegel|Sam Riegel]]
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|Frank Frankson]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]

=== Recurring ===
* [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* [[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Arnold Casey Jones Jr.]] - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]

=== Antagonists ===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Karai]] – voiced by Karen Neill
*  Agent John Bishop – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman]] – voiced by Scott Williams
* Savanti Romero – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]
* [[w:Hun (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hun]] – voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Greg Carey]]
* Rat King – voiced by [[w:David Zen Mansley|David Zen Mansley]]

=== Supporting ===
* [[w:Leatherhead (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leatherhead]] - voiced by [[w:Greg Carey (voice actor)|Gary K. Lewis]]
* The Ancient One - voiced by David Chen
* [[w:Miyamoto Usagi|Miyamoto Usagi]] - voiced by [[w:Jason Griffith|Jason Griffith]]
* [[w:Murakami Gennosuke|Murakami Gennosuke]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Jhanna - voiced by [[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]]
* Raptarr - voiced by Marc Diraison
* Renet - voiced by Liza Jacqueline
* Professor August O'Neil - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Robyn O'Neil
*
*
*
* 
* Mortu - voiced by [[w:Dan Green (voice actor)|Dan Green]]
* The Ultimate Daimyo - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Gyoji - voiced by [[w:Oliver Wyman (actor)|Oliver Wyman]]
* Nobody - voiced by [[w:Sean Schemmel|Sean Schemmel]]

=== Minor ===
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] – voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Ch'rell/Oroku Saki/Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Scott Rayow|Scottie Ray]]
* Angel - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]
* Arnold Casey Jones Sr.
* Baxter Stockman's mother
* [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]
* Yukio Mashimi
*
*
*
*
*

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about turtles]]
[[Category:American animated television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Charlie's Angels (2019 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>225162</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607257</id>
      <parentid>3606687</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T21:55:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>76.69.150.60</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <origin>3607257</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6934" sha1="pvs1r08xgkfkzfbk7tg229vvts9w5lq" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Charlie's Angels (2019 film)|Charlie's Angels]]''''' is a [[w:2019 in film|2019 film]] about Elena Houghlin, a scientist, engineer and inventor of Calisto -- a sustainable energy source that will revolutionize the way people use power. But when the cutting edge technology falls into the wrong hands, Elena turns to the Townsend Agency for help. Now, it's up to the Angels -- Jane, Sabina and the newly recruited Elena -- to retrieve Calisto before it can be transformed into a weapon of mass destruction. It serves as a continuation of the television series of the same name and the two films.

:''Written, directed and produced by [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]].''

{{center|'''Sworn to secrecy. Bound like sisterhood.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}
{{film-stub}}

== Sabina Wilson ==
*''['''Johnny Smith''': Who are you?]'' I'm just a decoy.
*Who steals humanitarian aid money?!
*Jane, is that you flirting with a handsome nerd?

== Elena Houghlin ==
* I can’t sleep at night. I'm a lead programmer on a product that can revolutionize the power industry. But there is a possibility it can be weaponized.
* The best part isn't taking down international criminals. It's you guys.

== Jane Kano ==
* I need you to exhibit some attention-seeking behavior.
* ''['''Elena''' You're not a waitress?]'' No. I'm Jane.

== Dialogue ==
:''[the phone rings and Elena picks it up]''
:'''Elena''': Hello?
:'''Bosley''': Charlie sends love. You're in grave danger. Get out of there now!
:'''Elena''': ''[turns to Sabina and Jane]'' Guys?
:''[the building explodes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rebekah''': You old codger. You really thought we were gonna let you just sneak away quietly.
:'''Bosley''': You didn't have to.
:'''Rebekah''': It's not just me. 
:''[the room lights up and the screens turn on to reveal other Bosleys]''
:'''Bosleys''': Surprise!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jane''': I need you to exhibit some attention-seeking behavior.
:'''Sabina''': I have so many ideas.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabina''': Wait, why would Bosley wanna take Elena to Brok?
:'''Rebekah''': Bringing the [[Birdman (film)|Birdman]] back to {{w|Alcatraz}}, I guess.
:''[pause]''
:'''The Saint''': The who?
:'''Rebekah''': It's a movie. [[Burt Lancaster]].
:'''Sabina''': Birdman. [[Michael Keaton]].
:'''Rebekah''': No, Michael Keaton is {{w|Batman}}.
:'''The Saint''': No, [[Ben Affleck]] is Batman.
:'''Rebekah''': I mean, is he? Am I really the only person who knows who Burt Lancaster is?
:'''Sabina''': I'm concussed.
:'''Rebekah''': It doesn't matter. It's an old movie. It's from, like...
:'''The Saint''': How old are you?
:'''Rebekah''': How old am I? What? That has nothing to do with it.
:'''The Saint''': I don't have your references.
:'''Rebekah''': There are film buffs of all ages.
:'''Jane''': ''[referring to Elena]'' Let's go get our girl.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Elena''': Hey, can I take these mints? ''[she picks up the mints, but the Saint drops them]''
:'''The Saint''': No! Avoid the mints. Actually, let's just stop the touching around here. You know, some of this blows up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Brok''': ''[on the screen of an iPad, he sees Ralph by the garage door lying dead]'' Oh, well, that's a shame. ''[he turns around to reveal he's on the phone]'' Obviously, this is a disappointing [[Big Hero 6|setback]], but we have time. You know what, j-just get John on the phone. Now. ''[pause]'' Well then, wake him up. ''[pause, then he throws his phone in the pond]'' '''AAAAAAAAHHH!!!'''
:'''Biker''': Everything alright?
:'''Brok''': ''[points angrily for a moment, then calms down quickly]'' Can I have your phone?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Elena''': ''[turns around to find Sabina and Jane in the same disguise]'' How did you even get in the... ''[notices an ID card]'' Oh, God. What did you do to Pradeep?
:'''Sabina''': Nothing. Pradeep's fine. I nabbed his ID card from the gym this morning.
:'''Elena''': ''[turns to Jane]'' And Sven?
:'''Jane''': I compressed his carotid and deoxygenated his brainstem.
:'''Elena''': What? Well, that sounds painful.
:'''Jane''': Yeah, it's like taking a nap. You smell burnt toast then everything goes dark.
:'''Sabina''': Hey, don't worry, he's going to wake up.
:'''Jane''': Unless he doesn't.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rebekah''': ''[as she walks downstairs]'' How we doin' down here? Ah, we're still in the first closet.
:'''Elena''': There's another closet?
:'''Rebekah''': Hm. Armory open.
:''[the wall opens to reveal the second closet]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bosley''': I've spent an entire career estimating the talents of women. And you, my dear, are marvelously clever.
:'''Elena''': You betrayed them. You betrayed the Angels.
:'''Bosley''': Well, I no longer work for the Townsend Agency. I was...retired. ''[picks up Calisto]'' So you are going to show me how to hack this and reprogram root access... ''[places it down]'' ...to me.
:'''Elena''': You thought Fleming could do it. He always had a habit for claiming credit he didn't deserve.
:'''Bosley''': How long will it take?
:'''Elena''': Forever. I'm not touching it. ''[Hodak pulls on her chain]''
:'''Bosley''': Ha ha! You think you have a choice? It's adorable.
:'''Elena''': ''[softly, referring to the Angels]'' They'll send--They'll send love. ''[Hodak bent closer to listen]'' They'll send love ''[she bites Hodak's ear]''
:'''Bosley''': Ooh, feisty! You've been studying. ''[pause]'' I hope they come.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabina''': ''[while punching Australian Jonny thrice]'' You stole aid money from woman and children and refugees!
:'''Jane''': It's called embezzlement.
:'''Sabina''': ''[flips over]'' &quot;Embezzlement&quot;? That's fancy.

== Taglines ==
* Sworn to secrecy. Bound like sisterhood.
* Unseen. Undivided. Unstoppable.
* A new world needs new angels.

== Cast ==
* [[Kristen Stewart]] — Sabina Wilson
* [[w:Naomi Scott|Naomi Scott]] — Elena Houghlin
* [[w:Ella Balinska|Ella Balinska]] — Jane Kano
* [[w:Elizabeth Banks|Elizabeth Banks]] — Rebeka &quot;Bosley&quot;
* [[Patrick Stewart]] — John Bosley
* [[w:Djimon Hounsou|Djimon Hounsou]] — Edgar &quot;Bosley&quot; Dessange
* [[w:Sam Claflin|Sam Claflin]] — Alexander Brok
* [[w:Jonathan Tucker|Jonathan Tucker]] — Hodak
* [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] — Peter Fleming
* [[w:Chris Pang|Chris Pang]] — Johnny Smith
* [[w:Luis Gerardo Méndez|Luis Gerardo Méndez]] — the Saint
* [[w:Noah Centineo|Noah Centineo]] — Langston

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=5033998|title=Charlie's Angels}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=charlies_angels_2019|title=Charlie's Angels}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Remake films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:2010s American films]]
[[Category:Reboot films]]
[[Category:Films based on television series]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films directed by Elizabeth Banks]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>227291</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607216</id>
      <parentid>3604150</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:45:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>167.88.225.68</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Go to the Movies / Car Trip [3.4] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="20812" sha1="k2w3g6esqrnrljsm75ezfkssc81cd83" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons''': [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

==Season 3==
===''New Neighbors / The Big Election'' [3.1]===
:'''Mama Bear''': [voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the New Neighbors] &quot;Uh oh, some neighbors moved away.

:'''Papa Bear''': Now who’s coming here to stay? Who would’ve thought our good neighbors the Kodiak’s would ever move away? 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': We’re really going to miss everyone. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Our lawns will never look the same. With you mowing and me trimming, we made them look as lush as a golf course. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Maybe your new Neighbor will team up with you too, Papa. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': Is that your secret recipe for bumbleberry pie? 

:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-huh, it’s my going away present to you. Honey crunch brittle? 


:'''Brother Bear''': Cool, let me try! 


:'''Sister Bear''': Me too! 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''':  Michael, it’s time to go. 

:'''Sister Bear''':  We’re sure going to miss you, Michael. 


:'''Michael''': Me too. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''':  Well, I guess that’s it. You have our new address, so we’re expecting letters from everybody. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Speaking of letters, you forgot to take the mailbox I made for you when you first moved in. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Well we thought it would be nice to leave it for your new neighbors. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': If you don’t mind.

:'''Papa Bear''': Not at all. 


:'''Mama Bear''': The best way to have a good neighbor is to be a good neighbor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If I were mayor, I wouldn't be wasting my time in meetings. No, sir! I'd be out getting things done like fixing the pot holes.

===''At the Giant Mall / The Giddy Grandma'' [3.2]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Rules are for everyone. Big or small, rules keep all of us safe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Has anybody seen a parking space yet?
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, if we keep going around and around like this, we'll run out of gas before we even find one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I believe every bear has something about them we can admire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gran''': According to Gramps, everything is an antique if you keep it long enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Heroes aren't just found in books. They're everywhere when we take time to find out about them.

===''Think of Those in Need / The Hiccup Cure'' [3.3]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis. Look at all the good things that could happen when you give someone your old stuff.
:'''Sister Bear''': And when you give someone your extra time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Right. That's even better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't Sister and I clean our room tomorrow?
:'''Mama Bear''': Afraid not. It's too messy.
:'''Papa Bear''': &quot;Messy&quot; is not the word. ''[peeks into the cubs' bedroom]'' If I didn't know better, I think you have been raising a family of monkeys in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I suppose I have been eating a little too fast lately.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' A little too fast? My, you've been eating like a vacuum cleaner.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I do like cleaning off my plate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I'm spending more time... ''[hiccups since the sandwich]'' ...on hiccup cures than I am on finishing that chair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Why don't you try hopping up and down on one foot while holding your nose.
:'''Papa Bear''': That sounds so crazy, it just might work.
:'''Brother Bear''': And if that doesn't get rid of hiccups, at least we've created a new dance move.

===''Go to the Movies / Car Trip'' [3.4]===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[embarrassingly annoyed]'' Good morning, everyone! I'd made us a nice... family... breakfast.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I think we need to spend more time together.
:'''Brother Bear''' But we're spending time together right now. ''[Sister nods her head as she agrees with Brother.]''
:'''Mama Bear''' I mean special family time together. When we go out and do things as a family. Like spending a day at the beach or visiting the Bear Sounion Institution.
:'''Papa Bear''': I guess the problem is just trying to find the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly. So I say we make the time. I porpose that next Saturday we go on a special family picnic.
:'''Papa Bear''': We haven’t done that in a while.
:'''Sister Bear''': I love picnics.
:''':Brother Bear''': I’ll bring my ant jar… Only my Bear Scout Troop’s having our car wash for charade next Saturday.
:'''Sister Bear''': And Lizzie’s Birthday is also next Saturday.
:'''Papa Bear''': And I have to finnish the squire’s end table next Saturday. ''[Mama sighs]'' What about spending time together after all that?
:'''Brother Bear''': I know, we can go to the movies.
:'''Mama Bear''': But we would be just sitting in a dark room eating popcorn. That's not really the special family time I had in mind. ''[Sighs]'' If that's the best we can do, then a movie it is. ''[Brother and Sister give Mama a hug.]'' At least we'll be doing something together as a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One week has passed]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Goodness A whole week gone already. Come on Bear Family! Time to spend some family time together!
:'''Sister Bear''': What movie are we going to see?
:'''Papa Bear''': Look at all these movies. They used to show only one at a time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Let’s go see Goopy Monsters from the Sewer!
:'''Sister Bear''': Ew! How about The Ballerina Slipper?
:'''Papa Bear''': What about an action packed adventure movie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, a star is coming closer, and it's landing on my nose!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' That's a firefly. I think it likes you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Movie Theater Ticket Vendor Bear''': ''[when Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother try to buy the tickets]'' I'm sorry. All movies are sold out tonight. (Sold out forever actually.) 
:''[The ticket vendor bear closes the curtain on the ticket station. Then she --offscreen-- puts a &quot;SOLD OUT!&quot; sign in front of the ticket station window. Mama Papa Sister and Brother groan in disappointment.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': We have tried so hard to get some special family time together! But '''THIS'''  is what happens!
:''[All the shows at the movie theater are sold out. And what is more, it was the last day any bear in Bear Country can see them. Therefore, those &quot;films&quot; --which were at the theater that night-- are not going to be released on VHS video nor home movie projector films. And by extension, this is the last day for the cinema theater to be open. No movies can be seen there ever again because it is closing down --going out of business-- after today night. The cinemas theater --in Bear Country-- is closing its doors for good in favor of being replaced with a new building in its former site. As for the &quot;cinema&quot; subject, there is going to be no more cinema theaters in Bear Country --whether that is normal or drive-in theaters-- ever again, period.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': If you keep an open mind, you just might be surprised.
:'''Sister Bear''': Keep an open mind?
:'''Mama Bear''': That means you have to wait and see what is coming before you decide whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': All we've been seeing is nothing but trees and rocks for the last hour and a half.
:'''Mama Bear''': Be patient. Our first stop is coming up very soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's what Mama said two thousand trees and rocks ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This trip is great!
:'''Brother Bear''': You can say that again.
:'''Sister Bear''': Okay. '''THIS TRIP IS GREAT!''' ''[voice echoes]''

===''The Pet Show / Pick Up and Put Away'' [3.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, wait a minute. It says: &quot;only one cub per pet.&quot;

:'''Brother Bear''': ''[referring to Gran's bird]'' I'm not going to the pet show with this bird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': It's easier to find what you need when everything is kept in its proper place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the birdhouse that Brother have made]'' That's not a birdhouse, that's a bird mansion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Once everything has a place to go, it is a lot easier to be sure it is put away.
:'''Sister Bear''': So we can find it when we need it.

===''Hug and Make Up / The Big Road Race'' [3.6]===
:'''Sister Bear''': We don't need two cubs doing a cycle trick.
:'''Brother Bear''': Good point, Sis! If you need any help with another circus act, you let me know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I liked your bicycle act, Sister.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Lizzie. But there's only room for one cycle act in this circus, and Brother took it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister gives Brother a hug]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Sister, no hugs! What if my friends see?
:'''Sister Bear''': They will think you're the best big brother ever.
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You go everywhere with your wagon, Kenny.
:'''Kenny''': But you can't race without wheels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Freddy''': You never go anywhere without your wagon. Do you, Kenny?
:'''Kenny''': Nope. Wherever I go, my wagon follows.

===''Attic Treasure / Moving Day'' [3.7]===
:'''Sister Bear''': What were Brother and I doing then?
:'''Mama Bear''': That was before both of you born.
:'''Sister Bear''': You mean, back before there was a mall?
:'''Brother Bear''': And before they used to put fires out with pails?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, back before there was a mall!
:'''Papa Bear''': But not so far back as the volunteer fire bears!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Moving can certainly be very hard.
:'''Mama Bear''': And even a little scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': It must be the most awful thing in the whole world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Too bad there aren't more trees.
:'''Brother Bear''': Come, papa, come!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oooh! Diamond!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' I'm not sure if this is a diamond, brother! It looks like a piece of quartz, but it's a real fine, just the same!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh. Hmm, not much left of the wood pile! Uh-oh!
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear!
:'''Papa Bear''': The mountain soil's just too thin to grow trees, Mama! And not a lot of trees around makes it hard for a woods-bear like me.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's for dinner, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Not quite as much as I’d like, I’m afraid! Our garden is so small, and Brother's growing so big, I'd like to make the garden larger, but it's right up against a rocky ledge.
:'''Papa Bear and Mama Bear''': ''[sigh together]''
:''[Later that night, as Brother was getting ready for bed.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Brother, Papa and I have something very important to talk to you about.
:'''Brother Bear''': What, Mama?
:'''Papa Bear''': We decided that it's time we moved from Great Bear Mountain down into the valley.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're going to move away?, Why, Mama, Why?
:'''Papa Bear''': Because, there aren't enough trees on the mountain for my woodworking.
:'''Mama Bear''': And our Rocky Mountain garden is much smaller than I'd like it to be.
:'''Papa Bear''': And there's barely enough room for your bed and your cubby for you.
:'''Brother Bear''': But what about my toys, and my books, and my rocks?
:'''Mama Bear''': Don't worry, we'll put all of our things into boxes and we’ll take them with us!
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about my friends, the deer and the rabbits, we can't put them in a box and take them with us.
:'''Papa Bear''': No! We can’t, but, you'll meet new friends in the valley, and we can always come back to visit!
:'''Brother Bear''': But I love it here on the mountain! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': I know you do, We do too. But I'm sure we'll all love our new home just as much as we love this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Sister Bear''': I'm glad we moved to the treehouse, if we haven't moved, I wouldn't be best friends with Lizzie Bruin, or be in Teacher Jane's class, or wouldn't have met Sally Beary!
:'''Brother Bear''': And I wouldn't have met Stewart Beary or Cousin Fred, or any trees to climb!
:'''Papa Bear''': Or any trees for my woodworking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart Beary''': Okay, Sally, time to go.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're gonna write you first!
:'''Stewart Beary''': No, we're gonna write YOU first!

===''Gotta Dance / The Bad Dream'' [3.8]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama and I used to be quite a dance team back when we were younger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': The only way I'll have time to practice dancing with Mama is if I have some help.
:'''Brother Bear''': Sure. But no dancing.
:'''Papa Bear''': No dancing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': When you look at something in a different way, it does make it easier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I forgot it's &quot;Space Grizzlies&quot; night.
:'''Mama Bear''': Do you have too much homework to do?
:'''Sister Bear''': No, I've finished mine already.
:'''Mama Bear''': Is something wrong, Sister?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I thought you could use some help.
:'''Sister Bear''': I can do it, Mama. You go back and watch the show.
:'''Mama Bear''': But I'd like to help. That way, you won't miss so much of the show.
:'''Sister Bear''': I... I don't mind missing it. ''[pause as she looks up sadly at Mama]''
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not really fond of Sleazo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He kind of scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the best thing to do when you're scared of something is to talk about it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleazo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he comes right out of the television set, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not too fond of Sleezo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He... he kinda scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the important thing to remember is, when you're afraid of something, it always helps to talk about it. Sometimes that makes it no so scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleezo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he came right out of the television, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sleezo is a made-up character. He's just pretend like somebody dressed up in a costume for Halloween. But that doesn't mean he still can be pretty scary. And no matter what it is, if anything on television frightens you, you don't have to watch it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't?
:'''Mama Bear''': No, you don't.
:'''Sister Bear''': Then I think I'd like to go up and do some coloring.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[hugging Sister]'' Okay then. We'll see you later.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Mama. Talking about it ''does'' make me feel better. ''[seeing the partly dumped out honey squares]'' Uh oh, what're we gonna do with all those honey squares?
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckling]'' I think Papa might have the answer to that.

===''Say Please and Thank You / Help Around the Workshop'' [3.9]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Everyone gets grumpy once in a while, even me.
:'''Brother Bear''' Not like him. He's grumpy all the time.
:'''Sister Bear''' He's the grumpiest bear around.
:'''Papa Bear''' Well, there must be a reason for it.
:'''Mama Bear''' By the way Sister, I convinced my quilter's club to change our meeting again. So I can give you a ride to Lizzie's tomorrow. Okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': That Lizzie! I did two big favors today, but she didn't say thank you once!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': It's very important to remember to say &quot;please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Three little words that are easy to forget, but mean a lot.
:'''Sister Bear''': They mean a lot to ''everyone.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': What are the cubs forgetting, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Something very important, Papa. Their please and thank you's.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Honeycomb''': ''[to Mr. Grizzly about the broken window]'' I think we need a window which needs an immediate repair.
:'''Mr. Grizzly''': '''HUMPH!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The scene cuts to Brother at dinnertime with his family. And he tells them not only about school. He also includes the part how he had bad luck with the custodian bear Mr. Grizzly.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But the worst part about breaking the window, it was the look Mr. Grizzly gave me! '''HE SURE IS GRUMPY!''' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama has been trying to help me speed things up, but having to get her every time is slowing everything down to a snail's pace.
:'''Brother Bear''': And it's wearing out my feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Grizzle''': Lady Grizzly's birthday party isn't until-
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[enters the quilt shop]'' Next weekend.
:'''Mama Bear''': '''NEXT WEEKEND?!''' But, Miss Grizzle, you said on the phone that it was this weekend.
:'''Miss Grizzle''': I did? Oops! Well you know me, I always get mixed up sometimes.

===''White Water Adventure / Showdown at Birder's Wood'' [3.10]===
:'''Too-Tall''': There's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': Birds aren't boring at all. Even though I see you're not exactly ''flying'' high about our new topic, I wouldn't want anybody trying to ''duck'' out of assignments or ''chicken'' out of our class trip.

===''That Stump Must Go / Draw It'' [3.11]===
:'''Papa Bear''': This stump has been here for years, and it spoils the appearance of my perfect yard. It's time to get rid of it once and for all. That stump must go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after figuring out his problem]'' I guess there's always a good side to every problem.
:'''Mama Bear''': You just have to find it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Drewberry''': You know, learning to draw faces well is hard. Since it's difficult, there are things you must learn how to do first.

===''Papa's Pizza / The Female Fullback'' [3.12]===
:'''Sister Bear''': It's great that everybody likes and dislikes different things. It's all part of what makes each of us special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Liking and disliking different things may be part of what makes everybody special, but it really makes it hard to figure out what to feed them at a party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Too-Tall''': Maybe one of you guys would like a change. Ballet really isn't as hard as I thought.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': No thanks, Tutu... I mean, Too Tall.

===''Bears for All Seasons / Grow It'' [3.13]===
:'''Papa Bear''': When was the last time we all went to the swimming hole for a family swim? 
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Swimming? But it's the end of October, Papa.
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, ''[giggles]'' it's almost winter.
:'''Mama Bear''': Not according to good old Mr. Sun, who's given us the gift of an unusually warm day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' I wish the weather was hot and sunny like yesterday.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly]'' Me too. Why did the weather have to change?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in unison]'' Now there's nothing to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Whatever kind of weather will be having tomorrow, I know we're going to enjoy it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm never falling into a thistle bush again, especially now that I am going to be bald.
:'''Brother Bear''': You're gonna be bald?!
:'''Mama Bear''': No. Sister's not going to be bald. That's the last of them. No burrs and no bald.

===''Go Up and Down / Big Bear, Small Bear'' [3.14]===
:'''Mama Bear''': It's always a good idea to plan ahead and make a list of everything you might need so you won't forget anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I'll make a list.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' You don't catch fish with a list.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[referring to Papa]'' Sometimes he's more of a cub than the cubs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Would you like some cereal, Brother?
:'''Brother Bear''': Um...
:''[Brother sees that Papa is eating his breakfast]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No thanks, Mama. I think I'll have some toast with honey and a cup of coffee.
:'''Mama Bear''': I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

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----
:'''Seasons''': [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

==Season 3==
===''New Neighbors / The Big Election'' [3.1]===
:'''Mama Bear''': [voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the New Neighbors] &quot;Uh oh, some neighbors moved away.

:'''Papa Bear''': Now who’s coming here to stay? Who would’ve thought our good neighbors the Kodiak’s would ever move away? 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': We’re really going to miss everyone. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Our lawns will never look the same. With you mowing and me trimming, we made them look as lush as a golf course. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Maybe your new Neighbor will team up with you too, Papa. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': Is that your secret recipe for bumbleberry pie? 

:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-huh, it’s my going away present to you. Honey crunch brittle? 


:'''Brother Bear''': Cool, let me try! 


:'''Sister Bear''': Me too! 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''':  Michael, it’s time to go. 

:'''Sister Bear''':  We’re sure going to miss you, Michael. 


:'''Michael''': Me too. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''':  Well, I guess that’s it. You have our new address, so we’re expecting letters from everybody. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Speaking of letters, you forgot to take the mailbox I made for you when you first moved in. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Well we thought it would be nice to leave it for your new neighbors. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': If you don’t mind.

:'''Papa Bear''': Not at all. 


:'''Mama Bear''': The best way to have a good neighbor is to be a good neighbor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If I were mayor, I wouldn't be wasting my time in meetings. No, sir! I'd be out getting things done like fixing the pot holes.

===''At the Giant Mall / The Giddy Grandma'' [3.2]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Rules are for everyone. Big or small, rules keep all of us safe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Has anybody seen a parking space yet?
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, if we keep going around and around like this, we'll run out of gas before we even find one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I believe every bear has something about them we can admire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gran''': According to Gramps, everything is an antique if you keep it long enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Heroes aren't just found in books. They're everywhere when we take time to find out about them.

===''Think of Those in Need / The Hiccup Cure'' [3.3]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis. Look at all the good things that could happen when you give someone your old stuff.
:'''Sister Bear''': And when you give someone your extra time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Right. That's even better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't Sister and I clean our room tomorrow?
:'''Mama Bear''': Afraid not. It's too messy.
:'''Papa Bear''': &quot;Messy&quot; is not the word. ''[peeks into the cubs' bedroom]'' If I didn't know better, I think you have been raising a family of monkeys in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I suppose I have been eating a little too fast lately.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' A little too fast? My, you've been eating like a vacuum cleaner.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I do like cleaning off my plate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I'm spending more time... ''[hiccups since the sandwich]'' ...on hiccup cures than I am on finishing that chair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Why don't you try hopping up and down on one foot while holding your nose.
:'''Papa Bear''': That sounds so crazy, it just might work.
:'''Brother Bear''': And if that doesn't get rid of hiccups, at least we've created a new dance move.

===''Go to the Movies / Car Trip'' [3.4]===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[embarrassingly annoyed]'' Good morning, everyone! I'd made us a nice... family... breakfast.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I think we need to spend more time together.
:'''Brother Bear''' But we're spending time together right now. ''[Sister nods her head as she agrees with Brother.]''
:'''Mama Bear''' I mean special family time together. When we go out and do things as a family. Like spending a day at the beach or visiting the Bear Sounion Institution.
:'''Papa Bear''': I guess the problem is just trying to find the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly. So I say we make the time. I porpose that next Saturday we go on a special family picnic.
:'''Papa Bear''': We haven’t done that in a while.
:'''Sister Bear''': I love picnics.
:''':Brother Bear''': I’ll bring my ant jar… Only my Bear Scout Troop’s having our car wash for charade next Saturday.
:'''Sister Bear''': And Lizzie’s Birthday is also next Saturday.
:'''Papa Bear''': And I have to finnish the squire’s end table next Saturday. ''[Mama sighs]'' What about spending time together after all that?
:'''Brother Bear''': I know, we can go to the movies.
:'''Mama Bear''': But we would be just sitting in a dark room eating popcorn. That's not really the special family time I had in mind. ''[Sighs]'' If that's the best we can do, then a movie it is. ''[Brother and Sister give Mama a hug.]'' At least we'll be doing something together as a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One week has passed]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Goodness A whole week gone already. Come on Bear Family! Time to spend some family time together!
:'''Sister Bear''': What movie are we going to see?
:'''Papa Bear''': Look at all these movies. They used to show only one at a time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Let’s go see Goopy Monsters from the Sewer!
:'''Sister Bear''': Ew! How about The Ballerina Slipper?
:'''Papa Bear''': What about an action packed adventure movie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, a star is coming closer, and it's landing on my nose!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' That's a firefly. I think it likes you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Movie Theater Ticket Vendor Bear''': ''[when Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother try to buy the tickets]'' I'm sorry. All movies are sold out tonight. (Sold out forever actually.) 
:''[The ticket vendor bear closes the curtain on the ticket station. Then she --offscreen-- puts a &quot;SOLD OUT!&quot; sign in front of the ticket station window. Mama Papa Sister and Brother groan in disappointment.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': We have tried so hard to get some special family time together! But '''THIS'''  is what happens!
:''[All the shows at the movie theater are sold out. And what is more, it was the last day any bear in Bear Country can see them. Therefore, those &quot;films&quot; --which were at the theater that night-- are not going to be released on VHS video nor home movie projector films. And by extension, this is the last day for the cinema theater to be open. No movies can be seen there ever again because it is closing down --going out of business-- after today night. The cinemas theater --in Bear Country-- is closing its doors for good in favor of being replaced with a new building in its former site. As for the &quot;cinema&quot; subject, there is going to be no more cinema theaters in Bear Country --whether that is normal or drive-in theaters-- ever again, period.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': If you keep an open mind, you just might be surprised.
:'''Sister Bear''': Keep an open mind?
:'''Mama Bear''': That means you have to wait and see what is coming before you decide whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': All we've been seeing is nothing but trees and rocks for the last hour and a half.
:'''Mama Bear''': Be patient. Our first stop is coming up very soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's what Mama said two thousand trees and rocks ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This trip is great!
:'''Brother Bear''': You can say that again.
:'''Sister Bear''': Okay. '''THIS TRIP IS GREAT!''' ''[voice echoes]''

===''The Pet Show / Pick Up and Put Away'' [3.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, wait a minute. It says: &quot;only one cub per pet.&quot;

:'''Brother Bear''': ''[referring to Gran's bird]'' I'm not going to the pet show with this bird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': It's easier to find what you need when everything is kept in its proper place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the birdhouse that Brother have made]'' That's not a birdhouse, that's a bird mansion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Once everything has a place to go, it is a lot easier to be sure it is put away.
:'''Sister Bear''': So we can find it when we need it.

===''Hug and Make Up / The Big Road Race'' [3.6]===
:'''Sister Bear''': We don't need two cubs doing a cycle trick.
:'''Brother Bear''': Good point, Sis! If you need any help with another circus act, you let me know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I liked your bicycle act, Sister.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Lizzie. But there's only room for one cycle act in this circus, and Brother took it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister gives Brother a hug]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Sister, no hugs! What if my friends see?
:'''Sister Bear''': They will think you're the best big brother ever.
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You go everywhere with your wagon, Kenny.
:'''Kenny''': But you can't race without wheels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Freddy''': You never go anywhere without your wagon. Do you, Kenny?
:'''Kenny''': Nope. Wherever I go, my wagon follows.

===''Attic Treasure / Moving Day'' [3.7]===
:'''Sister Bear''': What were Brother and I doing then?
:'''Mama Bear''': That was before both of you born.
:'''Sister Bear''': You mean, back before there was a mall?
:'''Brother Bear''': And before they used to put fires out with pails?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, back before there was a mall!
:'''Papa Bear''': But not so far back as the volunteer fire bears!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Moving can certainly be very hard.
:'''Mama Bear''': And even a little scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': It must be the most awful thing in the whole world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Too bad there aren't more trees.
:'''Brother Bear''': Come, papa, come!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oooh! Diamond!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' I'm not sure if this is a diamond, brother! It looks like a piece of quartz, but it's a real fine, just the same!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh. Hmm, not much left of the wood pile! Uh-oh!
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear!
:'''Papa Bear''': The mountain soil's just too thin to grow trees, Mama! And not a lot of trees around makes it hard for a woods-bear like me.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's for dinner, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Not quite as much as I’d like, I’m afraid! Our garden is so small, and Brother's growing so big, I'd like to make the garden larger, but it's right up against a rocky ledge.
:'''Papa Bear and Mama Bear''': ''[sigh together]''
:''[Later that night, as Brother was getting ready for bed.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Brother, Papa and I have something very important to talk to you about.
:'''Brother Bear''': What, Mama?
:'''Papa Bear''': We decided that it's time we moved from Great Bear Mountain down into the valley.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're going to move away?, Why, Mama, Why?
:'''Papa Bear''': Because, there aren't enough trees on the mountain for my woodworking.
:'''Mama Bear''': And our Rocky Mountain garden is much smaller than I'd like it to be.
:'''Papa Bear''': And there's barely enough room for your bed and your cubby for you.
:'''Brother Bear''': But what about my toys, and my books, and my rocks?
:'''Mama Bear''': Don't worry, we'll put all of our things into boxes and we’ll take them with us!
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about my friends, the deer and the rabbits, we can't put them in a box and take them with us.
:'''Papa Bear''': No! We can’t, but, you'll meet new friends in the valley, and we can always come back to visit!
:'''Brother Bear''': But I love it here on the mountain! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': I know you do, We do too. But I'm sure we'll all love our new home just as much as we love this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Sister Bear''': I'm glad we moved to the treehouse, if we haven't moved, I wouldn't be best friends with Lizzie Bruin, or be in Teacher Jane's class, or wouldn't have met Sally Beary!
:'''Brother Bear''': And I wouldn't have met Stewart Beary or Cousin Fred, or any trees to climb!
:'''Papa Bear''': Or any trees for my woodworking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart Beary''': Okay, Sally, time to go.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're gonna write you first!
:'''Stewart Beary''': No, we're gonna write YOU first!

===''Gotta Dance / The Bad Dream'' [3.8]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama and I used to be quite a dance team back when we were younger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': The only way I'll have time to practice dancing with Mama is if I have some help.
:'''Brother Bear''': Sure. But no dancing.
:'''Papa Bear''': No dancing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': When you look at something in a different way, it does make it easier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I forgot it's &quot;Space Grizzlies&quot; night.
:'''Mama Bear''': Do you have too much homework to do?
:'''Sister Bear''': No, I've finished mine already.
:'''Mama Bear''': Is something wrong, Sister?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I thought you could use some help.
:'''Sister Bear''': I can do it, Mama. You go back and watch the show.
:'''Mama Bear''': But I'd like to help. That way, you won't miss so much of the show.
:'''Sister Bear''': I... I don't mind missing it. ''[pause as she looks up sadly at Mama]''
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not really fond of Sleazo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He kind of scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the best thing to do when you're scared of something is to talk about it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleazo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he comes right out of the television set, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not too fond of Sleezo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He... he kinda scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the important thing to remember is, when you're afraid of something, it always helps to talk about it. Sometimes that makes it no so scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleezo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he came right out of the television, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sleezo is a made-up character. He's just pretend like somebody dressed up in a costume for Halloween. But that doesn't mean he still can be pretty scary. And no matter what it is, if anything on television frightens you, you don't have to watch it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't?
:'''Mama Bear''': No, you don't.
:'''Sister Bear''': Then I think I'd like to go up and do some coloring.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[hugging Sister]'' Okay then. We'll see you later.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Mama. Talking about it ''does'' make me feel better. ''[seeing the partly dumped out honey squares]'' Uh oh, what're we gonna do with all those honey squares?
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckling]'' I think Papa might have the answer to that.

===''Say Please and Thank You / Help Around the Workshop'' [3.9]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Everyone gets grumpy once in a while, even me.
:'''Brother Bear''' Not like him. He's grumpy all the time.
:'''Sister Bear''' He's the grumpiest bear around.
:'''Papa Bear''' Well, there must be a reason for it.
:'''Mama Bear''' By the way Sister, I convinced my quilter's club to change our meeting again. So I can give you a ride to Lizzie's tomorrow. Okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': That Lizzie! I did two big favors today, but she didn't say thank you once!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': It's very important to remember to say &quot;please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Three little words that are easy to forget, but mean a lot.
:'''Sister Bear''': They mean a lot to ''everyone.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': What are the cubs forgetting, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Something very important, Papa. Their please and thank you's.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Honeycomb''': ''[to Mr. Grizzly about the broken window]'' I think we need a window which needs an immediate repair.
:'''Mr. Grizzly''': '''HUMPH!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The scene cuts to Brother at dinnertime with his family. And he tells them not only about school. He also includes the part how he had bad luck with the custodian bear Mr. Grizzly.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But the worst part about breaking the window, it was the look Mr. Grizzly gave me! '''HE SURE IS GRUMPY!''' 
&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt;
:Lizzy: Oh no! We have a math quiz! But I don’t have an eraser!
:Sister Bear: I have an extra one you can use, Lizzy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama has been trying to help me speed things up, but having to get her every time is slowing everything down to a snail's pace.
:'''Brother Bear''': And it's wearing out my feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Grizzle''': Lady Grizzly's birthday party isn't until-
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[enters the quilt shop]'' Next weekend.
:'''Mama Bear''': '''NEXT WEEKEND?!''' But, Miss Grizzle, you said on the phone that it was this weekend.
:'''Miss Grizzle''': I did? Oops! Well you know me, I always get mixed up sometimes.

===''White Water Adventure / Showdown at Birder's Wood'' [3.10]===
:'''Too-Tall''': There's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': Birds aren't boring at all. Even though I see you're not exactly ''flying'' high about our new topic, I wouldn't want anybody trying to ''duck'' out of assignments or ''chicken'' out of our class trip.

===''That Stump Must Go / Draw It'' [3.11]===
:'''Papa Bear''': This stump has been here for years, and it spoils the appearance of my perfect yard. It's time to get rid of it once and for all. That stump must go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after figuring out his problem]'' I guess there's always a good side to every problem.
:'''Mama Bear''': You just have to find it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Drewberry''': You know, learning to draw faces well is hard. Since it's difficult, there are things you must learn how to do first.

===''Papa's Pizza / The Female Fullback'' [3.12]===
:'''Sister Bear''': It's great that everybody likes and dislikes different things. It's all part of what makes each of us special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Liking and disliking different things may be part of what makes everybody special, but it really makes it hard to figure out what to feed them at a party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Too-Tall''': Maybe one of you guys would like a change. Ballet really isn't as hard as I thought.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': No thanks, Tutu... I mean, Too Tall.

===''Bears for All Seasons / Grow It'' [3.13]===
:'''Papa Bear''': When was the last time we all went to the swimming hole for a family swim? 
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Swimming? But it's the end of October, Papa.
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, ''[giggles]'' it's almost winter.
:'''Mama Bear''': Not according to good old Mr. Sun, who's given us the gift of an unusually warm day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' I wish the weather was hot and sunny like yesterday.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly]'' Me too. Why did the weather have to change?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in unison]'' Now there's nothing to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Whatever kind of weather will be having tomorrow, I know we're going to enjoy it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm never falling into a thistle bush again, especially now that I am going to be bald.
:'''Brother Bear''': You're gonna be bald?!
:'''Mama Bear''': No. Sister's not going to be bald. That's the last of them. No burrs and no bald.

===''Go Up and Down / Big Bear, Small Bear'' [3.14]===
:'''Mama Bear''': It's always a good idea to plan ahead and make a list of everything you might need so you won't forget anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I'll make a list.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' You don't catch fish with a list.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[referring to Papa]'' Sometimes he's more of a cub than the cubs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Would you like some cereal, Brother?
:'''Brother Bear''': Um...
:''[Brother sees that Papa is eating his breakfast]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No thanks, Mama. I think I'll have some toast with honey and a cup of coffee.
:'''Mama Bear''': I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

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----
:'''Seasons''': [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''.

==Season 3==
===''New Neighbors / The Big Election'' [3.1]===
:'''Mama Bear''': [voice over and first lines; just like from the book adaptation of said episode The Berenstain Bears and the New Neighbors] &quot;Uh oh, some neighbors moved away.

:'''Papa Bear''': Now who’s coming here to stay? Who would’ve thought our good neighbors the Kodiak’s would ever move away? 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': We’re really going to miss everyone. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Our lawns will never look the same. With you mowing and me trimming, we made them look as lush as a golf course. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Maybe your new Neighbor will team up with you too, Papa. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': Is that your secret recipe for bumbleberry pie? 

:'''Mama Bear''': Uh-huh, it’s my going away present to you. Honey crunch brittle? 


:'''Brother Bear''': Cool, let me try! 


:'''Sister Bear''': Me too! 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''':  Michael, it’s time to go. 

:'''Sister Bear''':  We’re sure going to miss you, Michael. 


:'''Michael''': Me too. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''':  Well, I guess that’s it. You have our new address, so we’re expecting letters from everybody. 

:'''Papa Bear''': Speaking of letters, you forgot to take the mailbox I made for you when you first moved in. 

:'''Mr. Kodiak''': Well we thought it would be nice to leave it for your new neighbors. 

:'''Mrs. Kodiak''': If you don’t mind.

:'''Papa Bear''': Not at all. 


:'''Mama Bear''': The best way to have a good neighbor is to be a good neighbor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': If I were mayor, I wouldn't be wasting my time in meetings. No, sir! I'd be out getting things done like fixing the pot holes.

===''At the Giant Mall / The Giddy Grandma'' [3.2]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Rules are for everyone. Big or small, rules keep all of us safe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Has anybody seen a parking space yet?
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, if we keep going around and around like this, we'll run out of gas before we even find one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I believe every bear has something about them we can admire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gran''': According to Gramps, everything is an antique if you keep it long enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Heroes aren't just found in books. They're everywhere when we take time to find out about them.

===''Think of Those in Need / The Hiccup Cure'' [3.3]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis. Look at all the good things that could happen when you give someone your old stuff.
:'''Sister Bear''': And when you give someone your extra time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Right. That's even better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Can't Sister and I clean our room tomorrow?
:'''Mama Bear''': Afraid not. It's too messy.
:'''Papa Bear''': &quot;Messy&quot; is not the word. ''[peeks into the cubs' bedroom]'' If I didn't know better, I think you have been raising a family of monkeys in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I suppose I have been eating a little too fast lately.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' A little too fast? My, you've been eating like a vacuum cleaner.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I do like cleaning off my plate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': I'm spending more time... ''[hiccups since the sandwich]'' ...on hiccup cures than I am on finishing that chair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Why don't you try hopping up and down on one foot while holding your nose.
:'''Papa Bear''': That sounds so crazy, it just might work.
:'''Brother Bear''': And if that doesn't get rid of hiccups, at least we've created a new dance move.

===''Go to the Movies / Car Trip'' [3.4]===
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[embarrassingly annoyed]'' Good morning, everyone! I'd made us a nice... family... breakfast.  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I think we need to spend more time together.
:'''Brother Bear''' But we're spending time together right now. ''[Sister nods her head as she agrees with Brother.]''
:'''Mama Bear''' I mean special family time together. When we go out and do things as a family. Like spending a day at the beach or visiting the Bear Sounion Institution.
:'''Papa Bear''': I guess the problem is just trying to find the time.
:'''Mama Bear''': Exactly. So I say we make the time. I porpose that next Saturday we go on a special family picnic.
:'''Papa Bear''': We haven’t done that in a while.
:'''Sister Bear''': I love picnics.
:''':Brother Bear''': I’ll bring my ant jar… Only my Bear Scout Troop’s having our car wash for charade next Saturday.
:'''Sister Bear''': And Lizzie’s Birthday is also next Saturday.
:'''Papa Bear''': And I have to finnish the squire’s end table next Saturday. ''[Mama sighs]'' What about spending time together after all that?
:'''Brother Bear''': I know, we can go to the movies.
:'''Mama Bear''': But we would be just sitting in a dark room eating popcorn. That's not really the special family time I had in mind. ''[Sighs]'' If that's the best we can do, then a movie it is. ''[Brother and Sister give Mama a hug.]'' At least we'll be doing something together as a family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[One week has passed]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Goodness A whole week gone already. Come on Bear Family! Time to spend some family time together!
:'''Sister Bear''': What movie are we going to see?
:'''Papa Bear''': Look at all these movies. They used to show only one at a time.
:'''Brother Bear''': Let’s go see Goopy Monsters from the Sewer!
:'''Sister Bear''': Ew! How about The Ballerina Slipper?
:'''Papa Bear''': What about an action packed adventure movie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': Mama, a star is coming closer, and it's landing on my nose!
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' That's a firefly. I think it likes you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Movie Theater Ticket Vendor Bear''': ''[when Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother try to buy the tickets]'' I'm sorry. All movies are sold out tonight. (Sold out forever actually.) 
:''[The ticket vendor bear closes the curtain on the ticket station. Then she --offscreen-- puts a &quot;SOLD OUT!&quot; sign in front of the ticket station window. Mama Papa Sister and Brother groan in disappointment.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': We have tried so hard to get some special family time together! But '''THIS'''  is what happens!
:''[All the shows at the movie theater are sold out. And what is more, it was the last day any bear in Bear Country can see them. Therefore, those &quot;films&quot; --which were at the theater that night-- are not going to be released on VHS video nor home movie projector films. And by extension, this is the last day for the cinema theater to be open. No movies can be seen there ever again because it is closing down --going out of business-- after today night. The cinemas theater --in Bear Country-- is closing its doors for good in favor of being replaced with a new building in its former site. As for the &quot;cinema&quot; subject, there is going to be no more cinema theaters in Bear Country --whether that is normal or drive-in theaters-- ever again, period.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': If you keep an open mind, you just might be surprised.
:'''Sister Bear''': Keep an open mind?
:'''Mama Bear''': That means you have to wait and see what is coming before you decide whether you like it or not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': All we've been seeing is nothing but trees and rocks for the last hour and a half.
:'''Mama Bear''': Be patient. Our first stop is coming up very soon.
:'''Brother Bear''': That's what Mama said two thousand trees and rocks ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': This trip is great!
:'''Brother Bear''': You can say that again.
:'''Sister Bear''': Okay. '''THIS TRIP IS GREAT!''' ''[voice echoes]''

===''The Pet Show / Pick Up and Put Away'' [3.5]===
:'''Brother Bear''': Hey, wait a minute. It says: &quot;only one cub per pet.&quot;

:'''Brother Bear''': ''[referring to Gran's bird]'' I'm not going to the pet show with this bird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': It's easier to find what you need when everything is kept in its proper place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[about the birdhouse that Brother have made]'' That's not a birdhouse, that's a bird mansion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Once everything has a place to go, it is a lot easier to be sure it is put away.
:'''Sister Bear''': So we can find it when we need it.

===''Hug and Make Up / The Big Road Race'' [3.6]===
:'''Sister Bear''': We don't need two cubs doing a cycle trick.
:'''Brother Bear''': Good point, Sis! If you need any help with another circus act, you let me know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I liked your bicycle act, Sister.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Lizzie. But there's only room for one cycle act in this circus, and Brother took it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sister gives Brother a hug]''
:'''Brother Bear''': Sister, no hugs! What if my friends see?
:'''Sister Bear''': They will think you're the best big brother ever.
:'''Brother Bear''': Thanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': You go everywhere with your wagon, Kenny.
:'''Kenny''': But you can't race without wheels.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Freddy''': You never go anywhere without your wagon. Do you, Kenny?
:'''Kenny''': Nope. Wherever I go, my wagon follows.

===''Attic Treasure / Moving Day'' [3.7]===
:'''Sister Bear''': What were Brother and I doing then?
:'''Mama Bear''': That was before both of you born.
:'''Sister Bear''': You mean, back before there was a mall?
:'''Brother Bear''': And before they used to put fires out with pails?
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, back before there was a mall!
:'''Papa Bear''': But not so far back as the volunteer fire bears!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Moving can certainly be very hard.
:'''Mama Bear''': And even a little scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': It must be the most awful thing in the whole world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Too bad there aren't more trees.
:'''Brother Bear''': Come, papa, come!
:'''Brother Bear''': Oooh! Diamond!
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' I'm not sure if this is a diamond, brother! It looks like a piece of quartz, but it's a real fine, just the same!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Huh. Hmm, not much left of the wood pile! Uh-oh!
:'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear!
:'''Papa Bear''': The mountain soil's just too thin to grow trees, Mama! And not a lot of trees around makes it hard for a woods-bear like me.
:'''Brother Bear''': What's for dinner, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Not quite as much as I’d like, I’m afraid! Our garden is so small, and Brother's growing so big, I'd like to make the garden larger, but it's right up against a rocky ledge.
:'''Papa Bear and Mama Bear''': ''[sigh together]''
:''[Later that night, as Brother was getting ready for bed.]''
:'''Mama Bear''': Brother, Papa and I have something very important to talk to you about.
:'''Brother Bear''': What, Mama?
:'''Papa Bear''': We decided that it's time we moved from Great Bear Mountain down into the valley.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're going to move away?, Why, Mama, Why?
:'''Papa Bear''': Because, there aren't enough trees on the mountain for my woodworking.
:'''Mama Bear''': And our Rocky Mountain garden is much smaller than I'd like it to be.
:'''Papa Bear''': And there's barely enough room for your bed and your cubby for you.
:'''Brother Bear''': But what about my toys, and my books, and my rocks?
:'''Mama Bear''': Don't worry, we'll put all of our things into boxes and we’ll take them with us!
:'''Brother Bear''': But, what about my friends, the deer and the rabbits, we can't put them in a box and take them with us.
:'''Papa Bear''': No! We can’t, but, you'll meet new friends in the valley, and we can always come back to visit!
:'''Brother Bear''': But I love it here on the mountain! ''[starts crying]''
:'''Mama Bear''': I know you do, We do too. But I'm sure we'll all love our new home just as much as we love this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Sister Bear''': I'm glad we moved to the treehouse, if we haven't moved, I wouldn't be best friends with Lizzie Bruin, or be in Teacher Jane's class, or wouldn't have met Sally Beary!
:'''Brother Bear''': And I wouldn't have met Stewart Beary or Cousin Fred, or any trees to climb!
:'''Papa Bear''': Or any trees for my woodworking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart Beary''': Okay, Sally, time to go.
:'''Brother Bear''': We're gonna write you first!
:'''Stewart Beary''': No, we're gonna write YOU first!

===''Gotta Dance / The Bad Dream'' [3.8]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama and I used to be quite a dance team back when we were younger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': The only way I'll have time to practice dancing with Mama is if I have some help.
:'''Brother Bear''': Sure. But no dancing.
:'''Papa Bear''': No dancing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': When you look at something in a different way, it does make it easier.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I forgot it's &quot;Space Grizzlies&quot; night.
:'''Mama Bear''': Do you have too much homework to do?
:'''Sister Bear''': No, I've finished mine already.
:'''Mama Bear''': Is something wrong, Sister?
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': I thought you could use some help.
:'''Sister Bear''': I can do it, Mama. You go back and watch the show.
:'''Mama Bear''': But I'd like to help. That way, you won't miss so much of the show.
:'''Sister Bear''': I... I don't mind missing it. ''[pause as she looks up sadly at Mama]''
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not really fond of Sleazo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He kind of scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the best thing to do when you're scared of something is to talk about it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleazo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he comes right out of the television set, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': You're not too fond of Sleezo, are you?
:'''Sister Bear''': He... he kinda scares me.
:'''Mama Bear''': Well, the important thing to remember is, when you're afraid of something, it always helps to talk about it. Sometimes that makes it no so scary.
:'''Sister Bear''': I've been having bad dreams about Sleezo, Mama. In one of my dreams, he came right out of the television, laughing that scary laugh.
:'''Mama Bear''': Sleezo is a made-up character. He's just pretend like somebody dressed up in a costume for Halloween. But that doesn't mean he still can be pretty scary. And no matter what it is, if anything on television frightens you, you don't have to watch it.
:'''Sister Bear''': I don't?
:'''Mama Bear''': No, you don't.
:'''Sister Bear''': Then I think I'd like to go up and do some coloring.
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[hugging Sister]'' Okay then. We'll see you later.
:'''Sister Bear''': Thanks, Mama. Talking about it ''does'' make me feel better. ''[seeing the partly dumped out honey squares]'' Uh oh, what're we gonna do with all those honey squares?
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckling]'' I think Papa might have the answer to that.

===''Say Please and Thank You / Help Around the Workshop'' [3.9]===
:'''Papa Bear''': Everyone gets grumpy once in a while, even me.
:'''Brother Bear''' Not like him. He's grumpy all the time.
:'''Sister Bear''' He's the grumpiest bear around.
:'''Papa Bear''' Well, there must be a reason for it.
:'''Mama Bear''' By the way Sister, I convinced my quilter's club to change our meeting again. So I can give you a ride to Lizzie's tomorrow. Okay?
:'''Sister Bear''': That Lizzie! I did two big favors today, but she didn't say thank you once!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': It's very important to remember to say &quot;please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;.
:'''Brother Bear''': Three little words that are easy to forget, but mean a lot.
:'''Sister Bear''': They mean a lot to ''everyone.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': What are the cubs forgetting, Mama?
:'''Mama Bear''': Something very important, Papa. Their please and thank you's.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Honeycomb''': ''[to Mr. Grizzly about the broken window]'' I think we need a window which needs an immediate repair.
:'''Mr. Grizzly''': '''HUMPH!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The scene cuts to Brother at dinnertime with his family. And he tells them not only about school. He also includes the part how he had bad luck with the custodian bear Mr. Grizzly.]'' 
:'''Brother Bear''': But the worst part about breaking the window, it was the look Mr. Grizzly gave me! '''HE SURE IS GRUMPY!''' 
&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt;
:'''Lizzy''': Oh no! A math quiz, but I don’t have my eraser!
:'''Sister Bear''': I have an extra one you can use, Lizzy. (Lizzy grabs the eraser but does not say thank you to sister)
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Mama has been trying to help me speed things up, but having to get her every time is slowing everything down to a snail's pace.
:'''Brother Bear''': And it's wearing out my feet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Grizzle''': Lady Grizzly's birthday party isn't until-
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[enters the quilt shop]'' Next weekend.
:'''Mama Bear''': '''NEXT WEEKEND?!''' But, Miss Grizzle, you said on the phone that it was this weekend.
:'''Miss Grizzle''': I did? Oops! Well you know me, I always get mixed up sometimes.

===''White Water Adventure / Showdown at Birder's Wood'' [3.10]===
:'''Too-Tall''': There's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teacher Bob''': Birds aren't boring at all. Even though I see you're not exactly ''flying'' high about our new topic, I wouldn't want anybody trying to ''duck'' out of assignments or ''chicken'' out of our class trip.

===''That Stump Must Go / Draw It'' [3.11]===
:'''Papa Bear''': This stump has been here for years, and it spoils the appearance of my perfect yard. It's time to get rid of it once and for all. That stump must go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[after figuring out his problem]'' I guess there's always a good side to every problem.
:'''Mama Bear''': You just have to find it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Drewberry''': You know, learning to draw faces well is hard. Since it's difficult, there are things you must learn how to do first.

===''Papa's Pizza / The Female Fullback'' [3.12]===
:'''Sister Bear''': It's great that everybody likes and dislikes different things. It's all part of what makes each of us special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brother Bear''': Liking and disliking different things may be part of what makes everybody special, but it really makes it hard to figure out what to feed them at a party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Too-Tall''': Maybe one of you guys would like a change. Ballet really isn't as hard as I thought.
:'''Cousin Freddy''': No thanks, Tutu... I mean, Too Tall.

===''Bears for All Seasons / Grow It'' [3.13]===
:'''Papa Bear''': When was the last time we all went to the swimming hole for a family swim? 
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Swimming? But it's the end of October, Papa.
:'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, ''[giggles]'' it's almost winter.
:'''Mama Bear''': Not according to good old Mr. Sun, who's given us the gift of an unusually warm day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': ''[sadly]'' I wish the weather was hot and sunny like yesterday.
:'''Brother Bear''': ''[sadly]'' Me too. Why did the weather have to change?
:'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in unison]'' Now there's nothing to do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Papa Bear''': Whatever kind of weather will be having tomorrow, I know we're going to enjoy it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Bear''': I'm never falling into a thistle bush again, especially now that I am going to be bald.
:'''Brother Bear''': You're gonna be bald?!
:'''Mama Bear''': No. Sister's not going to be bald. That's the last of them. No burrs and no bald.

===''Go Up and Down / Big Bear, Small Bear'' [3.14]===
:'''Mama Bear''': It's always a good idea to plan ahead and make a list of everything you might need so you won't forget anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lizzie''': I'll make a list.
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' You don't catch fish with a list.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': ''[referring to Papa]'' Sometimes he's more of a cub than the cubs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mama Bear''': Would you like some cereal, Brother?
:'''Brother Bear''': Um...
:''[Brother sees that Papa is eating his breakfast]''
:'''Brother Bear''': No thanks, Mama. I think I'll have some toast with honey and a cup of coffee.
:'''Mama Bear''': I don't think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}}

[[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|3]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Ignatiy Vishnevetsky</title>
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      <text bytes="1390" sha1="1re29cxy89jvxacfwmy6qq14mr76yri" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Ignatiy Vishnevetsky|Ignatiy Igorevich Vishnevetsky]]''' (September 5, 1986) is a Russian-American film critic, essayist, and columnist. 

== Quotes ==

*Just because you’re doing something for someone else doesn’t mean it’s impersonal. We do things for others every day that have completely personal reasons. I mean, this isn’t some selfless, saintly movie! Obviously there is ego and hubris involved, things you’re doing because you think they’ll look cool. Often, those are the things that don’t really turn out right
**[https://filmmakermagazine.com/88670-somewhere-im-not-an-interview-with-ignatiy-vishnevetsky Somewhere I’m Not: An Interview with Ignatiy Vishnevetsky] (December 15, 2014)

*As the great-grandson of a Party commissar, I resent Stalin avatar tankies for appropriating my culture without even doing the research (becoming an alcoholic, dying before the age of 50)
*A good rule of thumb is that if a society requires a vast secret police network, multi-million death tolls, and expendable prison labor to operate, it definitely doesn't work.
**[https://twitter.com/vishnevetsky/status/1292533437593788417 Tweet thread] (August 9, 2020)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishnevetsky, Ignatiy}}
[[Category:1986 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Essayists from Russia]]
[[Category:Columnists]]
[[Category:Film critics]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1422" sha1="md9mjku1qyhevjae4bxv119shebgt4z" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Ignatiy Vishnevetsky|Ignatiy Igorevich Vishnevetsky]]''' (September 5, 1986) is a Russian-American film critic, essayist, and columnist. 

== Quotes ==

*Just because you’re doing something for someone else doesn’t mean it’s impersonal. We do things for others every day that have completely personal reasons. I mean, this isn’t some selfless, saintly movie! Obviously there is ego and hubris involved, things you’re doing because you think they’ll look cool. Often, those are the things that don’t really turn out right
**[https://filmmakermagazine.com/88670-somewhere-im-not-an-interview-with-ignatiy-vishnevetsky Somewhere I’m Not: An Interview with Ignatiy Vishnevetsky] (December 15, 2014)

*As the great-grandson of a Party commissar, I resent Stalin avatar tankies for appropriating my culture without even doing the research (becoming an alcoholic, dying before the age of 50)
*A good rule of thumb is that if a society requires a vast secret police network, multi-million death tolls, and expendable prison labor to operate, it definitely doesn't work.
**[https://twitter.com/vishnevetsky/status/1292533437593788417 Tweet thread] (August 9, 2020)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishnevetsky, Ignatiy}}
[[Category:1986 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Essayists from Russia]]
[[Category:Columnists]]
[[Category:Film critics]]
[[Category:People from Moscow]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1527" sha1="4yx544hxae8vujw3zgxzy69alt2l88m" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Ignatiy Vishnevetsky|Ignatiy Igorevich Vishnevetsky]]''' (September 5, 1986) is a Russian-American film critic, essayist, and columnist. 

== Quotes ==

*Just because you’re doing something for someone else doesn’t mean it’s impersonal. We do things for others every day that have completely personal reasons. I mean, this isn’t some selfless, saintly movie! Obviously there is ego and hubris involved, things you’re doing because you think they’ll look cool. Often, those are the things that don’t really turn out right
**[https://filmmakermagazine.com/88670-somewhere-im-not-an-interview-with-ignatiy-vishnevetsky Somewhere I’m Not: An Interview with Ignatiy Vishnevetsky] (December 15, 2014)

*As the great-grandson of a Party commissar, I resent Stalin avatar tankies for appropriating my culture without even doing the research (becoming an alcoholic, dying before the age of 50)
*A good rule of thumb is that if a society requires a vast secret police network, multi-million death tolls, and expendable prison labor to operate, it definitely doesn't work.
**[https://twitter.com/vishnevetsky/status/1292533437593788417 Tweet thread] (August 9, 2020)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishnevetsky, Ignatiy}}
[[Category:1986 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Essayists from Russia]]
[[Category:Bloggers]]
[[Category:Columnists]]
[[Category:Film critics]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
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== Gender bias on Wikiquote ==

Is Gender bias on Wikiquote something #SheSaid is trying to address by increasing the number of women who edit Wikiquote or just by adding more quotations from women onto Wikiquote? I haven't seen any official statement saying one of the purposes of #SheSaid is to address a gender gap in editors and would like to see one. Of those two forms of gender bias, it seems like the more difficult one to effectively measure progress on and demonstrate that progress, it is complicated by whether the percentage of people willing to divulge personal details about themselves like their gender to Wikipedia's surveys has gone up or down, and whether that information is accurate. It's odd that no one on RationalWiki ever questioned the reliability of Wikipedia's surveys when no outside source has ever confirmed their findings, that hardly seems skeptical and doesn't place much value in peer review. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 20:46, 3 July 2024 (UTC)

:Question: what is ''RationalWiki''? Is it a Wikimedia project? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:37, 23 October 2024 (UTC)

== Is this really necessary? ==

Speaking of gender bias, the gender and group being biased in favour of on Wikipedia is clearly women, and not so much compared to men, compared to other historically disadvantaged groups. Where's the &quot;Wiki Loves Black People&quot; project, or Wiki Loves Native Americans, or Wiki Loves Gays? Wiki loves women? Indeed, and it seems to be the only people they do love outside their donors.

Seems like the next dominant group after white straight males on Wikipedia would be their white straight female counterparts, and these are same people favouring themselves with these virtue signalling to feminist special interest projects such as this one. A little tasteless really.

Wikipedia needs to stop with its ceaseless and crass pandering to the feminist special interest. Is this really necessary? There's too much emphasis on promoting women and women's projects to the detriment of groups that have far less representation. [[User:Alialiac|Alialiac]] ([[User talk:Alialiac|talk]]) 11:43, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:@[[User:Alialiac|Alialiac]]: This is Wikiquote, not wikipedia. Wikiquote is a very small project compared to  Wikipedia. This means that we cannot count on others to build this wiki, we must all pitch in to the best of our ability. The plus side is that if you feel  strongly about an issue, Black People  or what-have-you, you are welcome to create a &quot;Wiki Loves Black People&quot; project. 
:We at wikiquote have been very fortunate to have some very dedicated volunteers such as @[[User:Anthere|Anthere]] who have worked for many years making the ''Wiki Loves Women'' project what it is today. This project has been around the English Wikiquote since 2020 (I believe?) and is growing every year. It runs for 3 months and brings many wannabe new volunteers. A few good volunteers stay around after being introduced to us.
:I hope I answered your question? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:32, 23 October 2024 (UTC)
::Btw I just realized that you mistakenly believe that Wiki Loves women is only about white women. 
::As a matter of fact, I believe this  campaign has brought many more contributions (including contributions about African men) from African contributors. I don't have any statistics to base my opinion on, I base this mostly on [[:Category:Women from Nigeria]] which is currently contains links to the largest number of articles about women (272+8+682=962) after the United States on the English wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:46, 24 October 2024 (UTC)
:::I believe Ottawahitech summarized the situation pretty well... Not much to add to this. Perhaps worth reminding that « Wikipedia » is not a human so writing something such as « Wikipedia needs to stop doing blah » does not mean much in fact. All initiatives on the wikimedia projects come from volunteers, individuals who decide to get involved in doing a certain thing that matters to them. If you feel that some elements are missing, the right way to act is not to note that others are not doing what you think is important, but to start an initiative to make that happen. In the meantime, I am very proud of what we have accomplished so far... [[User:Anthere|Anthere]] ([[User talk:Anthere|talk]]) 19:04, 28 October 2024 (UTC)

== new category created ''Category:Women heads of state'' ==

The  [[:Category:Women heads of state]] has just been created. Please help populate it. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:05, 23 October 2024 (UTC)

== Hey! 😄 ==

I USED to be a Woman! (Im trans BTW) [[User:Wiki Fan49346824908|Wiki Fan49346824908]] ([[User talk:Wiki Fan49346824908|talk]]) 17:38, 30 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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== Gender bias on Wikiquote ==

Is Gender bias on Wikiquote something #SheSaid is trying to address by increasing the number of women who edit Wikiquote or just by adding more quotations from women onto Wikiquote? I haven't seen any official statement saying one of the purposes of #SheSaid is to address a gender gap in editors and would like to see one. Of those two forms of gender bias, it seems like the more difficult one to effectively measure progress on and demonstrate that progress, it is complicated by whether the percentage of people willing to divulge personal details about themselves like their gender to Wikipedia's surveys has gone up or down, and whether that information is accurate. It's odd that no one on RationalWiki ever questioned the reliability of Wikipedia's surveys when no outside source has ever confirmed their findings, that hardly seems skeptical and doesn't place much value in peer review. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 20:46, 3 July 2024 (UTC)

:Question: what is ''RationalWiki''? Is it a Wikimedia project? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:37, 23 October 2024 (UTC)

== Is this really necessary? ==

Speaking of gender bias, the gender and group being biased in favour of on Wikipedia is clearly women, and not so much compared to men, compared to other historically disadvantaged groups. Where's the &quot;Wiki Loves Black People&quot; project, or Wiki Loves Native Americans, or Wiki Loves Gays? Wiki loves women? Indeed, and it seems to be the only people they do love outside their donors.

Seems like the next dominant group after white straight males on Wikipedia would be their white straight female counterparts, and these are same people favouring themselves with these virtue signalling to feminist special interest projects such as this one. A little tasteless really.

Wikipedia needs to stop with its ceaseless and crass pandering to the feminist special interest. Is this really necessary? There's too much emphasis on promoting women and women's projects to the detriment of groups that have far less representation. [[User:Alialiac|Alialiac]] ([[User talk:Alialiac|talk]]) 11:43, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:@[[User:Alialiac|Alialiac]]: This is Wikiquote, not wikipedia. Wikiquote is a very small project compared to  Wikipedia. This means that we cannot count on others to build this wiki, we must all pitch in to the best of our ability. The plus side is that if you feel  strongly about an issue, Black People  or what-have-you, you are welcome to create a &quot;Wiki Loves Black People&quot; project. 
:We at wikiquote have been very fortunate to have some very dedicated volunteers such as @[[User:Anthere|Anthere]] who have worked for many years making the ''Wiki Loves Women'' project what it is today. This project has been around the English Wikiquote since 2020 (I believe?) and is growing every year. It runs for 3 months and brings many wannabe new volunteers. A few good volunteers stay around after being introduced to us.
:I hope I answered your question? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:32, 23 October 2024 (UTC)
::Btw I just realized that you mistakenly believe that Wiki Loves women is only about white women. 
::As a matter of fact, I believe this  campaign has brought many more contributions (including contributions about African men) from African contributors. I don't have any statistics to base my opinion on, I base this mostly on [[:Category:Women from Nigeria]] which is currently contains links to the largest number of articles about women (272+8+682=962) after the United States on the English wikiquote. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:46, 24 October 2024 (UTC)
:::I believe Ottawahitech summarized the situation pretty well... Not much to add to this. Perhaps worth reminding that « Wikipedia » is not a human so writing something such as « Wikipedia needs to stop doing blah » does not mean much in fact. All initiatives on the wikimedia projects come from volunteers, individuals who decide to get involved in doing a certain thing that matters to them. If you feel that some elements are missing, the right way to act is not to note that others are not doing what you think is important, but to start an initiative to make that happen. In the meantime, I am very proud of what we have accomplished so far... [[User:Anthere|Anthere]] ([[User talk:Anthere|talk]]) 19:04, 28 October 2024 (UTC)

== new category created ''Category:Women heads of state'' ==

The  [[:Category:Women heads of state]] has just been created. Please help populate it. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:05, 23 October 2024 (UTC)

== Hey! 😄 ==

I USED to be a Woman! (Im trans BTW) [[User:Wiki Fan49346824908|Wiki Fan49346824908]] ([[User talk:Wiki Fan49346824908|talk]]) 17:38, 30 October 2024 (UTC)

== Samuel Man Barfield III, Net Worth? ==

https://www.samuelsamuelbusinessofinformation.enterprises [[User:20redlightord|20redlightord]] ([[User talk:20redlightord|talk]]) 00:51, 31 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dan Roodt</title>
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      <text bytes="1215" sha1="q6byj1s24ezpv412qbeve9tuw7onuoj" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Roodt dan wiki.jpg|thumb|Dan Roodt]]
'''[[w:Dan Roodt|Daniel Francois Roodt]]''' (26 May 1957) is an Afrikaner author, publisher, and commentator.

== Quotes ==  

*There is horror at the return of some form of South Africanism. Not the imported, quasi-American, spanking “new South Africa”, but the hated South Africa of old, that combination of white industry, conservatism and black tribalism. For the self-styled South African revolutionary, there is one thing worse than the present with its rampant crime, corruption and shortages of water and electricity, and that would be a return to tradition. Whites espousing heterosexual marriage and polite language without four-letter expletives, or singing Die Stem, on the one hand, and blacks embracing their African languages, customs and identity, on the other; that would be the ultimate horror, a “nightmare” come true.
**[http://praag.org/?p=16468 How the Left lost control of South Africa] (October 18, 2014)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
*{{official website|http://roodt.org}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Roodt, Dan}}
[[Category:1957 births]]
[[Category:Authors from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Nationalists]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Power/Rangers</title>
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      <text bytes="11705" sha1="qqg3uec2nivwiaf22j7xjcqxn89piyc" xml:space="preserve">{{Power Rangers header}}
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Power/Rangers|Power/Rangers]]''''' is an American superhero fan short film directed and co-written by Joseph Kahn, produced by Adi Shankar and Jil Hardin, and co-written by James Van Der Beek and Dutch Southern. It was released on YouTube and Vimeo on February 23, 2015. It is based on the [[Power Rangers|franchise of the same name]].

==Dialogue==
: ''(film opens in the Pink Ranger's view of perspective, showing her and the Rangers on a losing war against the Machine Empire's forces, and the Megazord getting destroyed by one of the Machine Empire's titans in combat, and scene fades out. Scene fades in, showing the Pink Ranger's helmet on the ground)''
: ''(voice-over)''
: '''Rocky:''' When two empires declare war, neither side is innocent.
: '''Kimberly:''' You're still a traitor, you worthless piece...
: '''Rocky:''' ''(interrupts her)'' We were children, asked to fight an intergalactic war against an enemy we'd never met. Let's stop pretending &quot;our&quot; side stood on some moral high ground.
: ''(next scene shows a futurist version of civilization)''
: ''(voice over)''
: '''Kimberly:''' What do you want, Rocky?
: '''Rocky:''' Where's Tommy?
: ''(next, we see citizens in alleys being watched by the Machine Empire's units)''
: '''Kimberly:''' ''(voice over)'' Tommy Oliver is a ghost. They'll never find him. I don't even know where... ''(scene cuts to her (revealed to be chained in a chair) being punched by Rocky (who now sports a prosthetic leg))''
: '''Rocky:''' Bullshit is an ugly color on you.
: '''Kimberly:''' I prefer pink.
: '''Rocky:''' If dying is what you choose to do here today, I would prefer you did it with your integrity intact.
: '''Kimberly:''' How soon after the truce did you turn? Did you even wait until we were disbanded?
: '''Rocky:''' The second the Machine Empire integrated their machinery into our society, I knew what we'd bled for was gone.
: '''Kimberly:''' So you stabbed us in the back.
: '''Rocky:''' I followed the only rule worth following in this fuck storm, I made sure I was on the winning side... Which is why I'm sitting here and you're chained to a chair. Comfortable?
: '''Kimberly:''' You were never really one of us.
: '''Rocky:''' Thank you. Who would've thought that weaponizing youth and training them to kill would have turned out so ugly for many?
: '''Kimberly:''' We were a team. We fought for each other... You never understood that.
: '''Rocky:''' Let's talk about Jason...
: '''Kimberly:''' What about him?
: '''Rocky:''' You were married to him, weren't you?
: ''(flashback of Kimberly (wearing a wedding veil) in a car with Jason plays)''
: '''Kimberly:''' ''(voice over)'' For eight hours.
: ''(flashback continues, showing Jason and Kimberly (both wearing their rings) about to kiss until numerous armed policemen arrive. Jason is about to grab his sword, but is violently gunned down)''
: '''Kimberly:''' '''NOOO!!'''
: ''(after the shootout, Kimberly falls off the car)''
: '''Rocky:''' ''(voice over)'' You know why they did it?
: '''Bulk:''' Got a little tired of being made fun of by you cunts. ''(Skull laughs maniacally)''
: '''Kimberly:''' Bulk! Skull! You sold us out!
: ''(one officer knocks her out, and scene fades out; Scene fades in with Tommy checking on Bulk and Skull, who are found dead due to meth overdose and drowning in a bath tub, respectively)''
: '''Rocky:''' ''(voice over)'' Machine Empire had better meth. That was all it took. You what happens to a dog that chases cars and finally catches one?
: '''Kimberly:''' ''(voice over)'' It doesn't end well for the dog.
: '''Rocky:''' ''(voice over)'' Let's move on to Zack, shall we? ''(flashback shows Zack in his bedroom with Divatox and Scorpina)'' Good kid. Fit. Little hyperactive. ''(flashback also shows the two women kissing while Zack snorts cocaine)'' You know where he ended up?
: '''Kimberly:''' About those Hip Hop Kido tapes...
: ''(flashback shows Zack hosting his Hip Hop Kiddo exercise program)''
: '''Zack:''' Hip Hop Kido! Let's go! Heals! Abs! Abs! Bring 'em up! Work it! Punch! Work it! Let's go! ''(flashback then shows him practicing more karate in his room)''
: '''Kimberly:''' ''(voice over)'' He knew it was bullshit, but the public ate it up. But it was never about the money for him. He was addicted for the action. That was his outlet.
: '''Rocky:''' And you think peddling false hopes for fat kids was enough to scratch that itch? Y'know he joined the Machine Empire? ''(flashback shows Zack (in his Black Ranger armor) leaping out of a plane in North Korean airspace)'' ''(voice over)'' Didn't even have to recruit him. He was so hungry for a battlefield, he volunteered to help sweep up whatever resistance was left.
: ''(Zack lands on a base, confronts a group of Koreans, and dehelmets)''
: '''Zack:''' ''(in Korean)'' If you hand over the general, all your lives will be spared. If you don't, well... ''(gives them the middle finger)''
: '''General Klank:''' ''(in Korean)'' I know you. You're that black man with the exercise program. Is this some kind of joke?
: '''Zack:''' ''(in Korean)'' Damn. And I know you motherfuckers bootlegged my shit too.
: '''General Klank:''' ''(approaches Zack, and pats his shoulders; in Korean)'' You have a nice body! Kill him! ''(walks away as his men aim at Zack, who gestures to ask for a minute; in Korean)'' Do you have any last words?
: '''Zack:''' ''(in English)'' It's Morphin' time. ''(materializes his Ranger helmet in his hands, and throws it at one of Klank's soldiers. The helmet bounces back to Zack, attaching to his head, as he resumes to fight Klank's men, killing them. Klank grabs a dagger from one of his goons, and kills him with it. Zack and Klank proceed to fight, with Zack killing Klank by impaling his keck with his own dagger)''
: '''Rocky:''' ''(voice over)'' Most people play the odds. ''(scene shifts to Zack still training)'' But then there are those few who just don't feel alive unless the odds are stacked completely against them.
: '''Zack:''' ''(stops for a moment to catch his breath)'' I knew you'd get me. It's all good. Get on with it. ''(gets shot in the head. Back in present, Rocky's monitors show Zack's image in red)''
: '''Rocky:''' It's tough, seeing your friends murdered, one by one... ''(a tear slides on Kimberly's face)'' Especially by one of your own...
: '''Kimberly:''' What the fuck are you talking about?
: '''Rocky:''' Think about it. Rita made Tommy to fight against us. Then he betrayed her, switched sides, and when she tried to kill him, he lost his power, gained it back-- only to see a fucking treaty signed? ''(laughs)'' I'm glad I'm not his shrink. Say what you want about the machines, at least they're consistent.
: '''Kimberly:'''  What does this have to do with me?
: '''Rocky:''' Tommy's always been hung up to you. ''(flashback shows Tommy and Kimberly kissing; then scene shifts to Tommy entering a restricted area)'' ''(voice over)'' Yesterday, Tommy paid a visit to Billy Cranston. But don't worry, I think we all know it's unlikely you fucked him too.
: ''(we see several posters with Billy; one of them reveals he came out as gay, while Tommy is watching Billy's public announcement)''
: '''Billy:''' ''(on the announcement)'' ...our alliance with the Machine Empire will bring a new level of synergy within Cranston-Lockheed Martin. We will be mass producing our signature Blade Blaster weapons within initial order of 1.6 trillion euros from Soviet Europe.
: '''Tommy:''' Dammit, Billy. What did you do? ''(finds Billy dead in his table)''
: ''(back to Rocky's interrogation room)''
: '''Kimberly:''' You're out of your mind! Tommy didn't kill any of us. He's a Ranger. You just forget what that means.
: '''Rocky:''' Why do you think they gave these powers to kids? Hmm?
: '''Kimberly:''' Because we were the only ones who could destroy Rita and her...
: '''Rocky:''' ''(furiously tossing his table aside, breaking it into pieces)'' '''You are NOT that stupid!''' For fuck's sake, pull your shit together and start thinking for yourself. For once in your life! You're not a little girl anymore. Now where's Tommy?
: '''Kimberly:''' Go fuck yourself.
: ''(Rocky gestures for the surrounding guards to step aside, and puts his chair closer to Kimberly)''
: '''Rocky:''' You think you're defending something worthwhile... I get that. But technology? The Machines? They always win...
: '''Kimberly:''' I told you, I haven't seen Tommy since the last time... ''(Rocky begins strangling her with his arms around her neck)''
: '''Rocky:''' ''(whispering in Kimberly's ear)'' One last warning. Every move we make leaves a footprint.
: '''Kimberly:''' ''(chocking)'' Trini's funeral. ''(flashback shows her and the Rangers attending Trini's funeral, with Kimberly spotting Tommy from afar)'' ''(voice over)'' While the government was negotiating the treaty, we were burying our own. I saw him for a moment, and then he was gone. ''(scene shifts to Tommy wondering around the city alone)'' It's been years.
:'''Rocky''': ''(voice over)'' You're telling the truth. ''(back in the interrogation room, he check his monitors)'' The machines are never wrong. Told us exactly what you know.
: '''Kimberly:''' So... you lose.
: '''Rocky:''' Oh, Kimmy... you really don't get it, do you? We never needed you as a witness. You, my dear... are bait.
: ''(suddenly, power in the room is shut down by Tommy, who storms in killing the guards with his sword. Rocky materializes his sword, and the two fight. Rocky gains the upperhand, and pins Tommy down with his prosthetic leg, until Kimberly grabs a gun and shoots his head, killing him while Tommy gets up)''
: '''Tommy:''' Who are you?
: '''Kimberly:''' I'm Kimberly.
: '''Tommy:''' No. You're not! ''(Flashbacks reveal Tommy holding Kimberly's body, mourning her death)'' I held Kimberly in my arms when she died! So I'm going to ask you one more time... '''WHO ARE YOU?!'''
: ''(&quot;Kimberly's&quot; left cheek begins to crack, and we are shown more flashbacks of the deaths of the other Rangers)''
: '''&quot;Kimberly:&quot;''' ''(Flashback to Jason's death)'' Kill! ''(Flashback to Bulk and Skull's deaths)'' Stab! Drown! ''(Flashback to Zack's death)'' Sleep! ''(Flashback to Billy's death)'' Shoot! ''(cut to the Present, where &quot;Kimberly&quot; breaks out of her chains)'' Don't you remember me darling? I'm the one who turned you into a Ranger in the first place.
: ''(as she walks, &quot;Kimberly&quot; is revealed to be Rita Repulsa in disguise)''
: '''Rita:''' I've killed them all! And now the world is ours...''(cackles)''
: '''Tommy:''' Rita...! ''(roars and slashes at her and screen goes dark, ending the movie)''

==Cast==
===Power Rangers===
* [[w:Katee Sackhoff|Katee Sackhoff]] as Kimberly, the former Pink Ranger
* [[w:James Van Der Beek|James Van Der Beek]] as Rocky, the former Red Ranger
* Russ Bain as Tommy, the former Green Ranger and White Ranger
* Gichi Gamba as Zack, the former Black Ranger
* Yves Bright as Billy, the former Blue Ranger
* Stevin Knight as Jason, the former Red Ranger
* Camilla Lim as Trini, former Yellow Ranger

===Others===
* [[w:Will Yun Lee|Will Yun Lee]] as General Klank
* Tony Gomez as [[w:Bulk and Skull|Bulk]]
* Matt D'Elia as [[w:Bulk and Skull|Skull]]
* [[w:Bree Olson|Bree Olson]] as [[w:Divatox|Divatox]]
* Amia Miley as [[w:Scorpina|Scorpina]]
* Carla Perez as [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]
* Steffane Melanga as [[w:Cestria (Power Rangers)|Cestria]]
* [[w:Adi Shankar|Adi Shankar]] as Billy's husband

Perez had previously played Rita Repulsa in the original series. She was the only cast member to reprise her role.

[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:Internet shows]]
[[Category:Power Rangers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)</title>
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      <text bytes="7266" sha1="s2cvujzmiehrizufnnvscrluyfwnwc8" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings''}}
'''''[[w:Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American [[w:superhero film|superhero film]], starring Simu Liu as the titular character. It is the 25th film in the [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Marvel Cinematic Universe]] (MCU). The movie stars [[w:Simu Liu|Simu Liu]], [[w:Awkwafina|Awkwafina]], [[w:Meng'er Zhang|Meng'er Zhang]], [[w:Fala Chen|Fala Chen]], [[w:Florian Munteanu|Florian Munteanu]], [[w:Ronny Chieng|Ronny Chieng]], [[w:Yuen Wah|Yuen Wah]], [[w:Michelle Yeoh|Michelle Yeoh]], [[w:Ben Kingsley|Ben Kingsley]], and [[w:Tony Leung Chiu-Wai|Tony Leung]]

:''Directed by [[w:Destin Daniel Cretton|Destin Daniel Cretton]]. Written by Dave Callaham, Destin Daniel Cretton and Andrew Lanham, based on the character created by Steve Englehart, and Jim Starlin.''

{{center|'''A Marvel legend will rise.'''}}

== [[w:Shang-Chi (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Xu Shang-Chi]] ==
* ''[fighting Wenwu]'' She was gone, and we needed you. But you chose those damn Rings over us! You trained your son to be a killer! '''''Is this what you wanted?!''''' Even if you ''could'' bring her back, what makes you think she'd want anything to do with you?

== [[w:Wenwu (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Xu Wenwu / The Mandarin]] ==
* [[Iron Man 3|A terrorist in America needed a boogeyman to bring your country to its knees.]] So, he appropriated Ten Rings, my Ten Rings, but because he didn't know my actual name, he invented a new one. Do you know what name he chose? The Mandarin. He gave his figurehead the name of a chicken dish. And it worked! America was terrified… of an orange!

== [[w:Characters of the Marvel Cinematic Universe#Katy Chen|Katy Chen]] ==
* ''[about her tactic of singing &quot;[[w:Hotel California|Hotel California]]&quot; at her enemies]'' It's the art of confusion. Works great on stupid people.

* Look at that girl. She’s writing a research paper on a bus. That is ''exactly'' the daughter my mom wishes came out of her vagina.

* This is bullshit! I have been by your side for half your life. I get there are things you never wanted to talk about, and I never wanted to push. But a guy with a freaking ''MACHETE'' for an arm just chopped our bus in half, Shaun! Who the hell are you?

* ''[about following Shang onto the scaffolding]'' Oh, ''HELL'' no! Screw you, I'm not doing this!

* So, um, pretty confused right now, because, uh, initially I thought your dad should definitely see a therapist for his delusions, but then that dragon vomited a magical water map, and now I have no idea what's real.

* Your dad trained you to be an assassin when you were seven. He sent you on a hit at fourteen. You realise how messed up that is, right?

== [[w:Characters of the Marvel Cinematic Universe#Xu_Xialing|Xu Xialing]] ==
* I wasn't allowed to train with the boys. But I watched everything they did and taught myself to do it better.

== Other characters ==
* '''[[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]]''': That ''hurt'', [[w:Characters of the Marvel Cinematic Universe#Emil_Blonsky / Abomination|Emil]]! Want me to show you how it feels? ''[before knocking out Emil &quot;Abomination&quot; Blonsky in the underground fights in Macau]''
* '''Ying Nan''': You are a product of all who came before you, the legacy of your family. You are your mother. And whether you like it or not, you are also your father.
* '''Ying Li''': ''[to her son]'' Lead with your breath. Look into your heart, the light and the dark. To know yourself, you must face them both.

==Dialogue==
:''[Shang-Chi and Katy meet his estranged sister Xialing]''
:'''Katy''': You started an underground fight ring in Macau when you were ''sixteen years old?''
:'''Xialing''': If my dad won't let me into his empire, I'm gonna build my own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shang-Chi, Xialing, and Katy meet Trevor Slattery]''
:'''Trevor Slattery''': Well, some time ago, I was offered the role of a terrorist. I know, facile, trite, I couldn't agree more. But times were lean, you know what I mean? Anyway, the producer told me he worked for the BBC. But, ironic twist, it turns out he, in fact, ''was'' a terrorist. And I wasn't playing a character at all, but what I now recognize to be a rather unflattering portrait of your father. We all got our just desserts. The producer got blown up by Iron Man, and I served time in federal prison, which turned out to be the best thing for me. I got clean, I rediscovered my passion.
:'''Shang-Chi''': [[w:All Hail the King|And then my dad broke you out]]…
:'''Trevor''': Exactly!
:'''Shang-Chi''': …to kill you?
:'''Trevor''': Exactly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[meeting Trevor's strange companion]''
:'''Trevor''': You can see Morris?
:'''Katy''': Morris?
:'''Trevor''': Oho, Morris! They can see you! You're real! All this time I thought I was hallucinating him. Oh, this is fab news.
:'''Katy''': Where's his face?
:''[Morris makes a sound like he's insulted]''
:'''Trevor''': He's a bit sensitive about that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wenwu and the Ten Rings have entered Ta Lo, to a hostile response]''
:'''Guang Bo''': The sins of your past would have destroyed this place!
:'''Wenwu''': Be careful how you speak to me, young man. I've lived ten of your lifetimes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As the Dweller-in-Darkness and its minions descend upon Ta Lo]''
:'''Xialing''': If we're going to survive this, we have to work together!
:'''Razor Fist''': Do you really think I'm going to fall for that?
:'''Ying Nan''': Your weapons are useless against them!
:'''Razor Fist''': We don't need your help! We are the mighty Ten Rings! And—
:''[a Soul Eater plucks Death Dealer from the ground and devours his soul; only Nan's dragonscale blade keeps Razor Fist from meeting the same fate]''
:'''Razor Fist''': ''[understandably shaken]'' W-w-we should work together.

==Cast==
* [[w:Simu Liu|Simu Liu]] as [[w:Shang-Chi (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Xu Shang-Chi]]/Shaun
** Arnold Sun (teenager)
*** Jayden Zhang (child)

* [[w:Awkwafina|Awkwafina]] as Katy Chen

* [[w:Meng'er Zhang|Meng'er Zhang]] as [[w:Characters of the Marvel Cinematic Universe#Xu Xialing|Xu Xialing]]
** Harmonie He (teenager)
*** Elodie Fong (child)

* [[w:Fala Chen|Fala Chen]] as Ying Li

* [[w:Florian Munteanu|Florian Munteanu]] as Razor Fist

* [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]]

* [[w:Ronny Chieng|Ronny Chieng]] as Jon Jon

* [[w:Yuen Wah|Yuen Wah]] as Guang Bo

* [[w:Michelle Yeoh|Michelle Yeoh]] as Ying Nan

* [[w:Ben Kingsley|Ben Kingsley]] as [[w:Trevor Slattery|Trevor Slattery]]

* [[w:Tony Leung Chiu-Wai|Tony Leung]] as [[w:Wenwu (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Xu Wenwu / The Mandarin]]

* Jodi Long as Mrs. Chen

* Dallas Liu as Ruihua

* Paul He as Chancellor Hui

* Andy Le as Death Dealer

* Stephanie Hsu as Soo

* Kunal Dudheker as John

* Zach Cherry as Klev

* Jade Xu as Helen 

* Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky / Abomination

* Bruce Banner and Carol Danvers / Captain Marvel

* Dee Baker as the voice of Morris

==External links==
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:2020s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dutch Empire</title>
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      <text bytes="7889" sha1="pybnrhdsffkzzf1lldyblep1zgde5e6" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag_of_the_Netherlands.svg|thumb|Flag of the Dutch Empire]]
[[File:DutchEmpire15.png|thumb|Dutch Empire. Light green the Dutch East India Company, in dark green is the Dutch West India Company. Orange dots were trading posts.]]

The '''[[Dutch Empire|Dutch empire]]''' comprised the overseas territories and trading posts controlled and administered by [[w:Dutch chartered companies|Dutch chartered companies]]—mainly the [[w:Dutch West India Company|Dutch West India Company]] and the [[w:Dutch East India Company|Dutch East India Company]]—and subsequently by the [[w:Dutch Republic|Dutch Republic]] (1581–1795), and by the modern [[w:Kingdom of the Netherlands|Kingdom of the Netherlands]] after 1815. It was initially a trade-based system which derived most of its influence from merchant enterprise and from Dutch control of international maritime [[Ships|shipping]] routes through strategically placed outposts, rather than from expansive territorial ventures. The Dutch were among the earliest empire-builders of [[Europe]], following [[Spain]] and [[Portuguese Empire|Portugal]].

{{geography-stub}}

==Quotes==

* The preference of the Navy Staff was to launch assaults on [[British Hong Kong|Hong Kong]], [[Singapore]] and [[Malaysia|Malaya]], while at the same time overrunning Dutch [[Indonesia|Sumatra, Borneo and Java]]. Their assumption, which proved entirely correct, was that the [[Europe|European]] [[Empire|empires]] in [[Asia]] had been dealt lethal blow at home by the [[World War II|German occupation]] of the [[Netherlands]] and [[France]] and the continuing [[Nazi Germany|German]] threat to the [[wikipedia:British_Isles|British Isles]]. The Dutch colonies, in particular, looked like easy quarry; they had the added allure of being [[oil]]-rich. Malaya, meanwhile, was the world's biggest producer of rubber. Living space for [[Japan|Japanese]] [[Settler colonialism|settlers]] was all very well, but the [[Empire of Japan|Japanese Empire]] needed strategic raw materials far more urgently. In 1940 army planners had argued for an invasion of [[wikipedia:French_Indochina|Indo-China]], to provide new bases from which to attack the [[China|Chinese]] [[wikipedia:Kuomintang|Nationalists]] in [[wikipedia:Sichuan|Sichuan]]. As War Minister in the new Cabinet formed by Prince Konoe in July 1940, [[Hideki Tōjō|Tôjô]] had insisted that unless Japan struck soon, she risked being too late. By 1941, it is true, some senior generals had become less enthusiastic about this idea. But by now the proponents of the Southern strategy had the upper hand.
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''The War of the World: Twentieth-Century Conflict and the Descent of the West'' (2006), pp. 484-485

* In all, 52 per cent of [[Japan during World War II|Japanese]] military personnel deployed overseas served in [[China]], compared with 33 per cent in the [[Pacific Ocean|Pacific]] theatre and 14 per cent in [[Southeast Asia|South-East Asia]]. These figures also provide some indication of the relative ease with which the Japanese were able to oust the European empires. By any standards, these were low-hanging fruit. The Dutch colonies were defended by a fleet of 5 [[w:Cruisers|cruisers]], 8 [[w:Destroyers|destroyers]] and 24 [[w:Submarines|submarines]], an air force of 50 obsolescent planes and an army of just 35,000 regulars with 25,000 reservists… With good reason the forces of the [[Western imperialism in Asia|European empires in Asia]] have been called 'Forgotten Armies';
** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''The War of the World: Twentieth-Century Conflict and the Descent of the West'' (2006), pp. 485

*The establishment of a sugar processing infrastructure in colonial Java persistently increased [[industrialization]], [[education]], and household [[Consumption (economics)|consumption]] in areas near government sugar factories, even after the factories themselves had disappeared. Similarly, villages forced to grow sugar cane for the Cultivation System have more schooling and [[manufacturing]] today… the positive impacts on economic activity plausibly dominated [any negative effects] in the long-run.
** [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/352039835_The_Case_for_Colonialism_A_Response_to_My_Critics The Case for Colonialism: A Response to My Critics, Page 6] Kendhammer citing Ochonu, 2009

* The composition of [[Unilever]] should serve as a warning that [[colonialism]] was not simply a matter of ties between a given [[colony]] and its mother country, but between colonies on the one hand and metropoles on the other. The [[Germany|German]] capital in Unilever joined the [[United Kingdom|British]] in [[Colonisation of Africa|exploiting Africa]] and the [[Netherlands|Dutch]] in exploiting the [[Indonesia|East Indies]]. The rewards spread through the capitalist system in such a way that even those capitalist nations who were not colonial powers were also beneficiaries of the spoils. Unilever factories established in [[Switzerland]], [[New Zealand]], [[Canada]], and the [[United States|U.S.A.]] were participants in the expropriation of [[Africa]]’s surplus and in using that surplus for their own development.
** [[Walter Rodney]], {{cite book|title={{w|How Europe Underdeveloped Africa}}|date=1972|publisher=Howard University Press|isbn=978-0-9501546-4-0|page=190}}

* These people were of all races, colors, and creeds.&amp;nbsp; [[French Colonial Empire|French]] were in the north and in the Carolinas.&amp;nbsp; Dutch had built the town on [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]] island, and their patroons' estates in the Hudson valley; now they were building their own cabins in the Mohawk Indian country that is now New York State.&amp;nbsp; [[Germans]] had settled in the [[New Jersey|Jerseys]] and in the far west, beyond [[Philadelphia]].&amp;nbsp; Germans and [[Ulster|Scotch-Irish]] were climbing the Carolina mountains; [[Swedes]] were in [[Delaware]], [[English people|English]] and [[French people|French]] and [[Dutch people|Dutch]] and [[Irish people|Irish]] were settled in [[Massachusetts]], the [[New Hampshire]] Grants, [[Connecticut]], and [[Virginia]].&amp;nbsp; Mingled with all these were [[Italians]], [[Portugal|Portuguese]], [[Finns]], [[Arabs]], [[Armenians]], [[Russians]], [[Greeks]], and [[Black people|Africans]] from a dozen very different [[Africa|African]] peoples and cultures.&amp;nbsp; Black, brown, yellow and white, all these peoples were some of them free and some of them [[Slavery in the United States|slaves]].&amp;nbsp; Also they were intermarried with the [[Native Americans in the United States|American Indians]].
** [[Rose Wilder Lane]], §1 of &quot;The Third Attempt,&quot; ch. V of Pt. Two of ''[https://mises.org/library/discovery-freedom The Discovery of Freedom: Man's Struggle Against Authority]'' (New York: The John Day Company, 1943), pp. 153–154.

=== Dutch East India Company ===

* Jesus Christ is good, but trade is better.
** Unofficial motto, reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Batavia'' (2011), introduction, epigraph

==See also==
*[[Netherlands]]
*[[Colonialism]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* [http://www.vocsite.nl/ De VOCsite]
* [http://www.colonialvoyage.com/ Dutch and Portuguese Colonial History]
* [http://www.voc-kenniscentrum.nl/ VOC Kenniscentrum]
* {{YouTube|p7Z6rZhPcCY|Dutch East Indies Documentary}}
* [http://www.atlasofmutualheritage.nl/en/ The Atlas of Mutual Heritage database], showing the Dutch empire 1600–1800.

{{Authority control}}

[[Category:Netherlands]]
[[Category:Dutch Empire| ]]
[[Category:History of Africa]]
[[Category:Former colonies in Africa]]
[[Category:Former colonies in Asia]]
[[Category:Former colonies in Oceania]]
[[Category:Former colonies in North America]]
[[Category:Former colonies in South America]]
[[Category:Former colonies in Central America]]
[[Category:Colonialism]]
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    <title>Build Back Better Plan</title>
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      <text bytes="22407" sha1="t895vwe7bher6j3gm3vbbtniwtw2rt7" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[w:Build Back Better Plan|Build Back Better framework]]''' is proposed federal legislation in the United States. It consists of two parts:
* A [[w:Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act|bipartisan infrastructure bill]] that has already passed in the Senate, but not in the house
* A [[w: Build Back Better Act|budget reconcilliation bill]] , that has divided Progressive Democrats and Moderate Democrats who have not been able to reach a compromise, neither in the house nor in the Senate.
The cost  of the first is pegged at  $1.2 trillion dollars, while the cost of the second is projected to be between $1.5 and $2.1 trillion dollars. The total cost of this framwork is expected to be between $2.7 and $3.3 trillion dollars, costs that president Biden committed will be paid by increased taxation and not by increased [[debt]].
If fully enacted, it would include investments in infrastructure, and is projected to create 10 million clean-energy jobs. Expenditures would also include government funds on housing, education, economic fairness and health care.

== Quotes about {{PAGENAME}}==
[[File:Donkey and elephant - democrat blue and republican red - polygon rough.svg|thumb|Democrats need to run on results, and this should light a fire under frontline Democrats to get Build Back Better passed ~  [http://w:Tom%20Perriello Tom Perriello] ]]
* We are outraged that the initial framework does not lower prescription drug prices 
** Statement by [[w:AARP|AARP]], an advocacy organization for the elderly &quot;[https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-give-update-democrats-spending-plans-before-europe-trip-source-2021-10-28/   Biden, pushing $1.75 trillion spending bill, dealt setback on infrastructure]&quot; (October 28, 2021)+video

* The reconciliation framework is a pro-worker victory: child care, home care, [[Renewable energy|clean energy]] jobs, [[Health care in the United States|health care]], [[Taxation in the United States|tax fairness]], [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] improvements and support for worker organizing
**  [[AFL-CIO]] President [[w:Liz Shuler|Liz Shuler]] &quot;[https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-give-update-democrats-spending-plans-before-europe-trip-source-2021-10-28/   Biden, pushing $1.75 trillion spending bill, dealt setback on infrastructure]&quot; (October 28, 2021)

*The [[United States Congress|U.S. Congress]] is poised to pass a $778 billion [[Military-industrial complex|military budget bill]] for 2022. As they have been doing year after year, our elected officials are preparing to hand the lion's share — more than 65% — of [[Government spending|federal discretionary spending]] to the [[The Pentagon|U.S. war machine]], even as they wring their hands over spending a mere quarter of that amount on the Build Back Better Act...&lt;BR&gt;U.S. society does face critical threats to our security, including the [[climate crisis]], [[Institutional racism|systemic racism]], erosion of [[voting rights]], [[w:gun_violence|gun violence]], grave [[inequalities]] and the corporate hijacking of political power. But one problem we fortunately do not have is the threat of attack or invasion... by any other country at all...&lt;BR&gt;If the public is ever to have any impact on this dysfunctional and deadly money-go-round, we must learn to see through the fog of [[propaganda]] that masks self-serving [[corruption]]... and allows the military brass to cynically exploit the public's natural respect for brave young men and women who are ready to risk their lives to defend our country. 
** [[Medea Benjamin]] and [https://www.salon.com/2021/12/07/congress-loots-the-treasury-for-us-machine--while-bickering-over-build-back-better/ Nicolas J.S. Davies, Congress loots the Treasury for U.S. war machine — while bickering over Build Back Better, ''Salon,''] (December 7, 2021) 

* And, by the way, you hear these numbers — $3.5 trillion or $1.75 trillion.  We pay for it all.  It doesn’t increase the [[deficit]] one single cent
** [[Joe Biden]] &quot;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-build-back-better-and-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on Build Back Better and the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal]&quot; (October 25, 2021)

* Call for the damn vote. Tell people to get in line. Be explicit
** several [[Democrats]] in the caucus '''[https://www.wsmv.com/news/us_world_news/the-moment-has-come-for-biden-and-pelosi-to-close-the-deal-on-his-sweeping/article_85514dd6-f7d4-5510-8285-fc0b210ac04c.html?block_id=1003746 The moment has come for Biden and Pelosi to close the deal on his sweeping agenda]''' (November 5, 2021)

* We are just missing two things: What exactly is going to be in the bill and how we’re going to pay for it “Other than that, we are good to go
** ” Rep. [[w:Brendan Boyle|Brendan Boyle]] &quot;[https://news.bloombergtax.com/daily-tax-report/hill-tax-briefing-democrats-detail-tax-hike-alternatives-23  HILL TAX BRIEFING: Democrats Detail Tax Hike Alternatives]&quot; (October 27, 2021)

* I wish I could say yes, but there’s a great deal of uncertainty within the caucus as to what’s contained in the deal
**Sen. [[Dick Durbin]] (CNN’s Ali Zaslav) &quot; [https://www.vox.com/2021/10/28/22748554/biden-budget-build-back-better-democrats-child-care-taxes What’s in — and what’s out of — Biden’s latest spending proposal]&quot; (October 28, 2021)

*The United States is on pace to spend over $7 trillion over the next ten years for [[the Pentagon]]. To put that number in perspective, the U.S. spends more each year on the [[United States Armed Forces|military]] than [[China]], [[Russia]], [[India]], the [[United Kingdom|U.K.]], [[Germany]], [[France]], [[Japan]], [[South Korea]] and [[Australia]] combined. While [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] and [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] are in sharp disagreements over the much smaller Build Back Better legislation, there is largely a bipartisan consensus when it comes to the military budget and foreign military intervention...
**[[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021)

* We have our Build Back Better Framework. Now it’s time for [[United States Congress|Congress]] to pass it. Let’s get this done.
** [[Kamala Harris]] via [[twitter]] &quot;[https://twitter.com/VP/status/1454190050376396809 tweet]&quot; (October 29, 2021)

* Most of that has been negotiated, most of it is ready to go. And we are just waiting for the last parts of the bill to be put together. We’re hopeful that that will be done in the next few hours, frankly
**[[w:Steny Hoyer|Steny Hoyer]] &quot;[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/26/biden-build-back-better-plan-democrats-pelosi-and-hoyer-look-to-strike-deal.html Top Democrats aim to strike a deal on Biden’s social spending plan within hours]&quot; (October 26, 2021)

* we're working on it
** [[W:Steny Hoyer|Steny Hoyer]], House Majority Leader '''[https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/05/politics/nancy-pelosi-joe-biden-state-of-play-november-5/index.html The moment has come for Biden and Pelosi to close the deal on his sweeping agenda]''' (November 5, 2021)

* Until we get that, we don’t have anything to say about numbers
** [[Pramila Jayapal]]  &quot;[https://www.vox.com/22704198/congress-infrastructure-budget-reconciliation The state of infrastructure talks in Congress, explained]&quot; (October 1, 2021)

* As we’ve consistently said, there are dozens of our members who want to vote both bills — the Build Back Better Act and the Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act — out of the House together
* A full accounting of the spending and revenue has been provided by the White House, numerous pieces of the legislation have already been scored, and the [Joint Committee on Taxation] has put out analysis that Build Back Better will contribute to reducing the deficit
* However, if our [[Mod Dems|six colleagues]] still want to wait for a [[w:Congressional Budget Office|CBO]] score, we would agree to give them that time — after which point we can vote on both bills together.
** [[Pramila Jayapal]] chair [[Progressive democrats]] '''[[https://thehill.com/homenews/house/580313-jayapal-sinks-pelosi-plan-for-infrastructure-vote-without-larger-package Jayapal sinks latest Pelosi plan on votes]''' (November 5, 2021)

*On the night the Build Back Better vote was to take place, House Minority Leader [[W:Kevin McCarthy|Kevin McCarthy]] forced a delay until the following morning by delivering an 8 hour, 32-minute floor speech—the longest in House history—during which he assailed the legislation as “big government [[socialism]].” And, as with most legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives, not a single Republican supported the bill, which also lost the support [[ Jared Golden|a lone Democrat]] who voted against it. Now it’s the Senate’s turn. Senate Majority Leader [[Chuck Schumer]] hopes to pass the bill by Christmas, but he first has to convince all 50 Democrats and the two independents who caucus with them to back the plan. It won’t be easy. The paid family leave provision may be cut to satisfy a demand from Sen. [[Joe Manchin]], and Sen. [[Bernie Sanders]] will call for provisions in such areas as Medicare and climate to be strengthened. Any changes to the legislation will have to be voted on in the House, where [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]] holds a razor-thin majority and can only afford three defections from her party. * In the meantime, Democrats have some selling to do. Many of the bill’s provisions won’t go into effect until after the 2022 mid-term election cycle where Democrats will go head to head for control of both houses. They will need to convince the American public of the many ways their lives will be made easier and more affordable by the Build Back Better Act.
**[https://sacobserver.com/2021/11/house-passes-transformational-build-back-better-act-but-will-the-senate-follow-suit/ House Passes Transformational Build Back Better Act, But Will the Senate Follow Suit?  by Jane Kennedy,] ''Trice Edney Wire/The Sacramento Observer'' (November 22, 2021)

* President Biden's framework is the product of months of negotiations and input from all members of the [[Democratic Party]] who share a common goal to deliver for the American people.
*As we work through the text of the legislation I would hope all of us will continue to deal in good faith and do what is right for the future of the American people
** [[Joe Manchin]] via [[twitter]] &quot;[https://twitter.com/Sen_JoeManchin/status/1453858737039581184 tweet]&quot; (October 28, 2021)

*The Bipartisan Infrastructure Bill represents a historic investment in West Virginia’s infrastructure – around $6 billion over the next 5 years. Here are some of the investments that the Bipartisan Infrastructure Bill will bring to WV:
** [[Joe Manchin]] via [[twitter]] &quot;[https://twitter.com/Sen_JoeManchin/status/1456982865976209418/photo/1 tweet]&quot; (November 6, 2021)

*Thanks to the #AmericanRescuePlan, nearly $124 MILLION in relief is on the way to 440 #WV healthcare providers. I fought for dedicated funding for rural healthcare providers in the ARP to ensure they can continue to provide critical care in our communities
** [[Joe Manchin]] via [[twitter]] &quot;[https://twitter.com/Sen_JoeManchin/status/1463245534467174410 tweet]&quot; (November 23, 2021)

*This is a no on this legislation. I have tried everything I know to do. And the President has worked diligently. He's been wonderful to work with. He knows I've had concerns and the problems I've had and, you know, the thing that we should all be directing our attention towards the variant, a Covid that we have coming back at us in so many different aspects in different ways, it's affecting our lives again
* I have always said, 'If I can't go back home and explain it, I can't vote for it.' Despite my best efforts, I cannot explain the sweeping Build Back Better Act in West Virginia and I cannot vote to move forward on this mammoth piece of legislation
** [[Joe Manchin]] '''[https://www.cnn.com/2021/12/19/politics/joe-manchin-build-back-better/index.html Manchin says he won't vote for Build Back Better Act]''' (Updated 2:39 PM ET, Sun December 19, 2021)
 
[[File:Westbound Pennsylvanian at Altoona station, May 2007.jpg|thumb|The legislation marks the largest investment in passenger rail since the creation of Amtrak 50 years ago, with $66 billion earmarked for high-speed rail, safety improvements, Amtrak grants and modernization of the rail route connecting Washington, D.C., to Boston. ~Jonathan Ponciano/Forbes]]
[[File:EV charger 04 2015 SFO 2058.JPG|thumb|$7.5 billion for the nation’s first network of [[Electric vehicles|electric-vehicle]] chargers along highway corridors... ~Jonathan Ponciano/Forbes]]
* If I sound angry, I am. My constituents are angry. It’s clear to us that this bill is wrong on the merits. And they have responded with a single word: enough!
** [[w:Kevin McCarthy (California politician)|Kevin McCarthy]] '''[https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/kevin-mccarthy-build-back-better-2022-midterm-fight Kevin McCarthy drops the gloves on Build Back Better and kicks off 2022 midterm fight] (November 19, 2021)

*President Joe Biden on Monday signed into law one of the largest infrastructure packages in U.S. history... shoring up $1.2 trillion, $550 billion in new investments for the nation's bridges, airports, waterways, public transit and more...   Headlining the 2,702-page bill’s spending, 
* roughly $110 billion... toward improving the nation's roads and bridges...
* the largest-ever federal investment in public transit, allotting $39 billion to modernize systems, improve access for the elderly and people with disabilities, and repair more than 24,000 buses, 5,000 railcars and thousands of miles of train tracks.... 
* $66 billion earmarked for [[high-speed rail]], safety improvements...
* $65 billion to bolster the country's [[internet|broadband]] infrastructure ...
* $108 billion..help upgrade the nation’s electricity grid...
* $7.5 billion for the nation’s first network of [[Electric vehicles|electric-vehicle]] chargers along highway corridors... 
* $5 billion for zero-emission buses... 
* $2.5 billion for ferries. Clean drinking [[water]]... 
* $55 billion to replace all the nation's lead pipes and service lines... 
* more than $50 billion for water infrastructure improvement... a sweeping clean-up measure targeting toxic hot spots  or areas of heavy industrial [[pollution]]...
* More than $25 billion...to help modernize America's airports... 
* $11 billion in [[Transport|transportation]] safety programs, including a new program to help... reduce crashes and fatalities... particularly among [[Cycling|cyclists]] and pedestrians... 
* In addition to the $550 billion in new investments, the package also includes roughly: 
* $650 billion in previously authorized funding for roads and other infrastructure, 
* including nearly $300 billion for the Highway Trust Fund and 
* $90 billion for public transit... 
**[https://www.forbes.com/sites/jonathanponciano/2021/11/15/everything-in-the-12-trillion-infrastructure-bill-biden-just-signed-new-roads-electric-school-buses-and-more/ Jonathan Ponciano, Everything In The $1.2 Trillion Infrastructure Bill: New Roads, Electric School Buses And More, ''Forbes'']  (November 15, 2021)

* [it ({{PAGENAME}})] doesn't contain everything that the [[Biden|president]] proposed and that some had hoped. But that's the nature of progress in a [[democracy]]
** [[Former President Barack Obama]] &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/biden-expects-win-full-democratic-support-new-proposal-sweeping-spending-n1282608 Biden urges Democrats to accept compromise on latest big social spending plan]&quot; (October 28, 2021)

* Democrats 'pretty much there' on U.S. social spending bill
**Nancy Pelosi &quot;[https://financialpost.com/pmn/business-pmn/democrats-pretty-much-there-on-u-s-social-spending-bill-pelosi-4 Democrats 'pretty much there' on U.S. social spending bill -Pelos]&quot; (October 24, 2021)

* Being anti-Trump is not enough. Democrats need to run on results, and this should light a fire under frontline Democrats to get Build Back Better passed.
**  [[w:Tom Perriello|Tom Perriello]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/11/03/democrats-biden-agenda-election-results-518935 Dems vow to plow forward on Biden agenda, even after election faceplants]&quot;(November 3, 2021)

* [The White House's $1.75 trillion Build Back Better framework is] by far the most significant piece of legislation ever passed in the world [to address climate]
** [[Bernie Sanders]] &quot;[https://www.businessinsider.com/bernie-sanders-white-house-build-back-better-framework-significant-legislation-climate-2021-10 Sanders says the White House's $1.75 trillion Build Back Better framework is 'by far the most significant piece of legislation ever passed in the world' to tackle the climate crisis]&quot; (October 28, 2021)

*[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]' remarks on the NDAA—which cleared a key procedural hurdle late Wednesday—came as Democrats in Congress also worked to finalize the Build Back Better Act, a reconciliation package whose social spending and climate provisions have been gutted to satisfy right-wing members of the majority party such as Sen. [[Joe Manchin]] (D-W.Va.).  Manchin, a key swing vote in the Senate, has repeatedly cited the national debt as a reason to pare back the reconciliation bill, which now has a top-line price tag of around $1.75 trillion over ten years—roughly half of the original $3.5 trillion framework. But while the [[West Virginia]] Democrat says he's alarmed by the prospect of spending to expand Medicare and combat the climate crisis, he appears unconcerned that, over the past decade, Congress has poured over $9 trillion into the only federal agency that has yet to pass a full independent audit. Manchin has approved every NDAA since 2011, and he voted Wednesday to advance the 2022 Pentagon budget.
**[[Bernie Sanders]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/11/18/sanders-says-deficit-concerns-seem-melt-away-when-its-time-fill-pentagon-coffers Sanders Says Deficit Concerns 'Seem to Melt Away' When It's Time to Fill Pentagon Coffers, Jake Johnson, ''Common Dreams''], (18 November 2021)

* “This week, Democrats are continuing to make important progress toward finalizing [[President Biden]]’s Build Back Better plan, and we remain confident that a final deal is within reach
** [[Chuck Schumer]]  &quot;[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/26/biden-build-back-better-plan-democrats-pelosi-and-hoyer-look-to-strike- 

* After months of productive, good-faith negotiations with @POTUS and the White House, we have made significant progress on the proposed budget reconciliation package. I look forward to getting this done, expanding economic opportunities and helping everyday families get ahead.
** [[Kyrsten Sinema]] via [[Twitter]] &quot;[https://twitter.com/senatorsinema/status/1453749851246714885 tweet] (October 28, 2021)

* The sausage got made! President Biden's 1.2 trillion dollar infrastructure bill passed the house late last night and soon will be signed into law.
** [[Michael Smerconish]] '''[https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2021/11/06/smerconish-the-sausage-got-made.cnn Smerconish: The sausage got made!]''' (November 6, 2021) ([[cnn]] [[video]])

* There was a strange aftertaste to many of the calls for grand social [[reform]] in 2020. As the [[COVID-19 pandemic|coronavirus crisis]] overtook us, the [[Left-wing politics|left wing]] on both sides of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], at least that part that had been fired up [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and [[Bernie Sanders]], was going down to defeat. The promise of a radicalized and reenergized left, organized around the idea of the [[Green New Deal]], seemed to dissipate amidst the pandemic. It fell to [[Government|governments]] mainly of the [[Centrism|center]] and the [[Right-wing politics|right]] to meet the crisis. They were a strange assortment. [[Jair Bolsonaro]] in [[Brazil]] and [[Donald Trump]] in the [[United States]] experimented with denial. For them [[Climate change denial|climate skepticism]] and [[w:COVID-19_misinformation|virus skepticism]] went hand in hand. In [[Mexico]], the notionally [[Left-wing politics|left-wing]] government of [[Andrés Manuel López Obrador]] also pursued a maverick path, refusing to take drastic action. [[Nationalist]] strongmen like [[Rodrigo Duterte]] in the [[Philippines]], [[Narendra Modi]] in [[India]], [[Vladimir Putin]] in [[Russia]], and [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]] in [[Turkey]] did not deny [[SARS-CoV-2|the virus]], but relied on their patriotic appeal and bullying tactics to see them through. It was the managerial centrist types who were under most pressure. Figures like [[Nancy Pelosi]] and [[Chuck Schumer]] in the United States, or [[Sebastián Piñera]] in [[Chile]], or [[Cyril Ramaphosa]] in [[South Africa]], [[Emmanuel Macron]], [[Angela Merkel]], [[Ursula von der Leyen]], and their ilk in [[Europe]]. They accepted the [[science]]. [[Denial]] was not an option. They were desperate to demonstrate that they were better than the '[[Populism|populists]].' To meet the crisis, very middle-of-the-road [[politicians]] ended up doing very [[Radicalism|radical]] things. Most of it was improvisation and compromise, but insofar as they managed to put a programmatic gloss on their responses—whether in the form of the [[EU]]'s [[w:Next_Generation_EU|Next Generation program]] or Biden's Build Back Better program in 2020—it came from the repertoire of [[Climate action|green modernization]], [[sustainable development]], and the [[Green New Deal]].
** [[wikipedia:Adam Tooze|Adam Tooze]], ''Shutdown: How Covid Shook the World Economy'' (2021)

==See also==
*[[Joe Biden]]
*[[Climate change denial]]
*[[Cooperation]]
*[[Democracy]]
*[[Global warming]]
*[[Green New Deal]]
*[[Progress]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*[[W:Build Back Better World|Build Back Better World]]

[[Category:Labor in the United States]]
[[Category:Poverty in the United States]]
[[Category:Welfare in the United States]]
[[Category:Health in the United States]]
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Charles Maung Bo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242487</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607017</id>
      <parentid>3606446</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:43:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
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      <text bytes="858" sha1="mltavr00zt417lsamr8eiur9yi95acp" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Charles Maung Bo|Charles Maung Bo]]''' (29 October 1948) is a Burmese prelate of the Roman Catholic Church who serves as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Yangon|Archdiocese of Yangon]].

== Quotes ==

*We thought that we are on the way to democracy, to freedom. But again, now, it collapsed again to the military and we have no right to speak about human rights and we have practically no dialogue.
**[https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/248937/cardinal-bo-called-to-be-a-voice-for-human-rights-in-myanmar Cardinal Bo: Called to be a voice for human rights in Myanmar] (9 September 2021)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bo, Charles Maung}}
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]]
[[Category:Cardinals]]
[[Category:Catholics from Myanmar]]</text>
      <sha1>mltavr00zt417lsamr8eiur9yi95acp</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Louis Chamniern Santisukniram</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242492</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606996</id>
      <parentid>3400505</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:49:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
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      <origin>3606996</origin>
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      <text bytes="1168" sha1="i3x79b0qbbhm1bo26s78o0zn77bc64t" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Louis Chamniern Santisukniram|Louis Chamniern Santisukniram]]''' (30 October 1942–) is a Thai prelate of the Roman Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Nakhon Sawan|Diocese of Nakhon Sawan]] and as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Thare and Nonseng|Archdiocese of Thare and Nonseng]].

== Quotes ==

*The local Catholic Church here, together with other religions present in Thailand, we have sought to offer our contribution encouraging our people to pray, promoting dialogue with everyone, educating to legality and social justice and morality in social and political activity.
**[http://www.fides.org/en/news/26621-ASIA_THAILAND_Social_injustice_and_corruption_at_the_root_of_the_crisis_President_of_Thai_Bishops_Conference_tells_Fides  “Social injustice and corruption at the root of the crisis”: President of Thai Bishops' Conference tells Fides] (6 May 2010)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Santisukniram, Louis Chamniern}}
[[Category:1942 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Catholics from Thailand]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]]</text>
      <sha1>i3x79b0qbbhm1bo26s78o0zn77bc64t</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607015</id>
      <parentid>3606996</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:42:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607015</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1165" sha1="386wvf5ykpr02oriq8ja3n95ij3gmeg" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Louis Chamniern Santisukniram|Louis Chamniern Santisukniram]]''' (30 October 1942) is a Thai prelate of the Roman Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Nakhon Sawan|Diocese of Nakhon Sawan]] and as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Thare and Nonseng|Archdiocese of Thare and Nonseng]].

== Quotes ==

*The local Catholic Church here, together with other religions present in Thailand, we have sought to offer our contribution encouraging our people to pray, promoting dialogue with everyone, educating to legality and social justice and morality in social and political activity.
**[http://www.fides.org/en/news/26621-ASIA_THAILAND_Social_injustice_and_corruption_at_the_root_of_the_crisis_President_of_Thai_Bishops_Conference_tells_Fides  “Social injustice and corruption at the root of the crisis”: President of Thai Bishops' Conference tells Fides] (6 May 2010)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Santisukniram, Louis Chamniern}}
[[Category:1942 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Catholics from Thailand]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]]</text>
      <sha1>386wvf5ykpr02oriq8ja3n95ij3gmeg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Paul Tschang In-Nam</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242494</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606998</id>
      <parentid>3579981</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:58:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3606998</origin>
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      <text bytes="1361" sha1="blllz9t60qc9rm4rj0mu81y7s7bwkhc" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Paul Tschang In-Nam|Paul Tschang In-Nam]]''' (30 October 1949–) is a Korean prelate of the Catholic Church.

== Quotes ==

* I thank the Lord for choosing me to show this people with my presence the affection and closeness of the Holy Father. My presence has also built a bridge between the Church in Korea and the Church here: we have many Korean missionaries in Bangladesh.
** [https://www.fides.org/en/news/5237-ASIA_BANGLADESH_The_Muslim_authorities_appreciate_the_Catholic_community_very_committed_in_the_field_of_education_Archbishop_Paul_Tschang_In_Nam_papal_nuncio_in_Bangladesh_told_Fides “The Muslim authorities appreciate the Catholic community very committed in the field of education” Archbishop Paul Tschang In-Nam, papal nuncio in Bangladesh told Fides (28 June 2005) ''Fides News Agency'']

*Relations between Catholicism and Buddhism are based on mutual respect.
**[http://www.asianews.it/news-en/For-Bishop-Tschang,-the-Pope's-visit-will-boost-the-mission-among-Thais-48462.html For Bishop Tschang, the Pope's visit will boost the mission among Thais] (2019)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tschang In-Nam, Paul}}
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:People from Seoul]]
[[Category:Catholics from South Korea]]
[[Category:Diplomats of the Holy See]]</text>
      <sha1>blllz9t60qc9rm4rj0mu81y7s7bwkhc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607012</id>
      <parentid>3606998</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:42:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607012</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1358" sha1="9dv6e7km8itsn827kf1g5sqobz2ligb" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Paul Tschang In-Nam|Paul Tschang In-Nam]]''' (30 October 1949) is a Korean prelate of the Catholic Church.

== Quotes ==

* I thank the Lord for choosing me to show this people with my presence the affection and closeness of the Holy Father. My presence has also built a bridge between the Church in Korea and the Church here: we have many Korean missionaries in Bangladesh.
** [https://www.fides.org/en/news/5237-ASIA_BANGLADESH_The_Muslim_authorities_appreciate_the_Catholic_community_very_committed_in_the_field_of_education_Archbishop_Paul_Tschang_In_Nam_papal_nuncio_in_Bangladesh_told_Fides “The Muslim authorities appreciate the Catholic community very committed in the field of education” Archbishop Paul Tschang In-Nam, papal nuncio in Bangladesh told Fides (28 June 2005) ''Fides News Agency'']

*Relations between Catholicism and Buddhism are based on mutual respect.
**[http://www.asianews.it/news-en/For-Bishop-Tschang,-the-Pope's-visit-will-boost-the-mission-among-Thais-48462.html For Bishop Tschang, the Pope's visit will boost the mission among Thais] (2019)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tschang In-Nam, Paul}}
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:People from Seoul]]
[[Category:Catholics from South Korea]]
[[Category:Diplomats of the Holy See]]</text>
      <sha1>9dv6e7km8itsn827kf1g5sqobz2ligb</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ruperto Santos</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242496</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607179</id>
      <parentid>3390819</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:32:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
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      <text bytes="781" sha1="gqpuqjb6bv0dksui48wi7j1712u9hph" xml:space="preserve">[[File:BishopStude.JPG|thumb|Ruperto Santos]]
'''[[w:Ruperto Santos|Ruperto Cruz Santos]]''' (30 October 1957–) is a Filipino prelate of the Roman Catholic Church who serves as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Antipolo|Diocese of Antipolo]].

== Quotes ==

*Let us think of our country before ourselves, let us think of others before ourselves, let us thing of the teachings of the Lord.
**[http://www.archivioradiovaticana.va/storico/2017/04/07/church_leaders_hail_philippine_peace_deal/en-1304176 Church leaders hail Philippine peace deal] (2017)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Santos, Ruperto}}
[[Category:1957 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:Catholics from the Philippines]]</text>
      <sha1>gqpuqjb6bv0dksui48wi7j1712u9hph</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607235</id>
      <parentid>3607179</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:33:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607235</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="778" sha1="l6c2rmpwdl0bphzrbyc6ct0gddz6pb3" xml:space="preserve">[[File:BishopStude.JPG|thumb|Ruperto Santos]]
'''[[w:Ruperto Santos|Ruperto Cruz Santos]]''' (30 October 1957) is a Filipino prelate of the Roman Catholic Church who serves as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Antipolo|Diocese of Antipolo]].

== Quotes ==

*Let us think of our country before ourselves, let us think of others before ourselves, let us thing of the teachings of the Lord.
**[http://www.archivioradiovaticana.va/storico/2017/04/07/church_leaders_hail_philippine_peace_deal/en-1304176 Church leaders hail Philippine peace deal] (2017)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Santos, Ruperto}}
[[Category:1957 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:Catholics from the Philippines]]</text>
      <sha1>l6c2rmpwdl0bphzrbyc6ct0gddz6pb3</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Eternals (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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'''''[[w:Eternals (film)|Eternals]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American [[w:superhero film|superhero film]], in which the Eternals, an immortal alien race, emerge from hiding after thousands of years to protect Earth from their ancient counterparts, the Deviants. It is based on the [[w:Eternals (comics)|superhero team of the same name]] and is the 26th film in the [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Marvel Cinematic Universe]] (MCU).
:''Directed by [[w:Chloé Zhao|Chloé Zhao]]. Written by Chloé Zhao, Patrick Burleigh, Ryan Firpo, and {{W|Kaz Firpo}}, based on the superhero team of the same name created by Jack Kirby.''

{{center|'''In the Beginning...'''}}

{{film-stub}}

== Sersi ==
* We're Eternals. We came here seven thousand years ago, to protect humans from the Deviants.
* We were instructed not to interfere in any human conflicts unless Deviants were involved.

== Thena ==
* We have loved these people since the day we arrived. When you love something, you protect it.

== Sprite ==
* If this is what the end of the world looks like, at least we'll have front-row seats...
* You know why I hated living with humans? Because they reminded me of things I didn't even know I wanted. Because of them, now I want to know what it feels like to grow up. To fall in love. To have a family. And to know in the end I've lived.
* So now that [[Avengers: Endgame|Captain Rogers and Iron Man are both gone]], who do you think's gonna lead the Avengers?

==Dialogue==
''[Ikaris and Sersi are making love on a beach.]''
:'''Ikaris''': I love you, Sersi.
:'''Sersi''': I love you too, Ikaris.

==Cast==
*[[w:Gemma Chan|Gemma Chan]] as [[w:Sersi|Sersi]]
*[[w:Richard Madden|Richard Madden]] as [[w:Ikaris|Ikaris]]
*[[w:Kumail Nanjiani|Kumail Nanjiani]] as [[w:Kingo Sunen|Kingo]]
*[[w:Lia McHugh|Lia McHugh]] as [[w:Sprite (Eternal)|Sprite]]
*[[w:Brian Tyree Henry|Brian Tyree Henry]] as [[w:Phastos|Phastos]]
*[[w:Lauren Ridloff|Lauren Ridloff]] as [[w:Makkari (comics)|Makkari]]
*[[w:Barry Keoghan|Barry Keoghan]] as [[w:Druig|Druig]]
*[[w:Ma Dong-seok|Don Lee]] as [[w:Forgotten One (character)|Gilgamesh]]
*[[w:Harish Patel|Harish Patel]] as Karun
*[[w:Kit Harington|Kit Harington]] as [[w:Black Knight (Dane Whitman)|Dane Whitman]]
*[[Salma Hayek]] as [[w:Ajak|Ajak]]
*[[Angelina Jolie]] as [[w:Thena|Thena]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=9032400|title=Eternals}}

[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:2020s American films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Mumbai]]
[[Category:Films set in London]]
[[Category:Films set in Iraq]]
[[Category:Films set in Alaska]]
[[Category:Films set in Australia]]
[[Category:Space adventure films]]
[[Category:Films set in prehistory]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Rochelle Walensky</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="5354" sha1="sr1hqs0b4oaqtpq57dkn8ppevln16fl" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Rochelle Walensky|Rochelle Paula Walensky]]''' (née Bersoff; born April 5, 1969) is an [[American]] [[physician]]-[[scientist]] who is the director of the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]] and the administrator of the Agency for [[Toxic]] Substances and [[Disease]] [[Registry]]. Prior to her appointment at the CDC, she was the Chief of the Division of [[Infectious Diseases]] at Massachusetts General [[Hospital]] and a [[professor]] of [[medicine]] at [[Harvard]] Medical School. Walensky is an expert on [[HIV/AIDS]].
[[File:Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director (cropped).jpg|thumb|Rochelle Walensky]]

==Quotes==
* Today, I endorsed ACIP’s vote to expand eligibility for COVID-19 vaccine booster doses. Children 5 through 11 should receive a booster dose at least 5 months after their primary series. Vaccination with a primary series among this age group has lagged behind other age groups leaving them vulnerable to serious illness. With over 18 million doses administered in this age group, we know that these vaccines are safe, and we must continue to increase the number of children who are protected. I encourage parents to keep their children up to date with CDC’s COVID-19 vaccine recommendations.
:With cases increasing, it is important that all people have the protection they need, which is why, today, CDC has also strengthened another booster recommendation. Those 50 and older and those who are 12 and older and immunocompromised should get a second booster dose.
:* '''[https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2022/s0519-covid-booster-acip.html CDC Strengthens Recommendations and Expands Eligibility for COVID-19 Booster Shots]''' (May 19, 2022)

*&quot;The people themselves were responsible or whether many of the things in the structure around them didn’t allow them to operate as swiftly as possible and didn’t allow them to prioritize. I think it’s a little bit of both&quot;
**[https://www.science.org/content/article/it-s-incredible-place-cdc-director-rochelle-walensky-how-she-hopes-reform-her-battered] on laying out the facts for employees apologizing for mistakes

*&quot;The latest guidance is based on science and outreach with teachers, parents and the Department of Education. CDC officials conducted comprehensive reviews of literature and extensively studied what happened during school openings in the fall and in Europe&quot;
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal]Walensky told NBC News

*&quot;We are committed to dismantling the barriers faced by our community based on racism, sexism, queer-antagonism, and other discriminatory factors. These barriers include recent legislation like denying trans people from using the bathroom of their gender, barring trans people from participating in sports of their gender, and banning schools from teaching about LGBTQ acceptance
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] on transgender

*&quot;You know, here is what I can tell you. We are in a different place. Schools are open. Businesses are open. We have a lot of population immunity out there right now. We have a lot of protection from vaccination already. Deaths are still at 350 a day, but they are way lower than they were a year ago, two years ago at this time&quot; 
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/cdc-director-dodges-questions-whether-covid-pandemic]Walensky said in an interview with ABC news

*&quot;In a pandemic, you don’t have time to wait. You have to take action to help people. We haven’t been able to be as nimble as we’ve needed to be&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]said Walenksy, who has faced her own communications problems during the crisis

*&quot;The agency needs it to modernize the nation’s public health data infrastructure, for the workforce, and quite honestly, we need it for the intersection of the two. We need data analysts working in public health&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] She has asked Congress for support in expanding the agency’s authority to collect better public health data

*&quot;We wanted to acknowledge the limitations of the methods that we had and give out the data that we had so that people could see how the vaccines were performing&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] on vaccine effectiveness

*&quot;We will put the pedal to the metal for as long as we can under my leadership .My hope is I will leave them in a place where everyone recognizes that this needs to move&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Walensky said

*We want to make sure we get the answer right, but when we know the answer, we shouldn’t wait to convey it to others, I think people within the agency recognize the need for change&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]

== See also ==

==External links==
{{Similar links}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Walensky, Rochelle}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Physicians]]
[[Category:Medical scientists]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
[[Category:Harvard University faculty]]</text>
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      <text bytes="5356" sha1="4q2w6oihzu8glczhso6czt8kco1wx7t" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Rochelle Walensky|Rochelle Paula Walensky]]''' (née Bersoff; born April 5, 1969) is an [[American]] [[physician]]-[[scientist]] who is the director of the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]] and the administrator of the Agency for [[Toxic]] Substances and [[Disease]] [[Registry]]. Prior to her appointment at the CDC, she was the Chief of the Division of [[Infectious Diseases]] at Massachusetts General [[Hospital]] and a [[professor]] of [[medicine]] at [[Harvard]] Medical School. Walensky is an expert on [[HIV/AIDS]].
[[File:Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director (cropped).jpg|thumb|Rochelle Walensky]]

==Quotes==
* Today, I endorsed ACIP’s vote to expand eligibility for COVID-19 vaccine booster doses. Children 5 through 11 should receive a booster dose at least 5 months after their primary series. Vaccination with a primary series among this age group has lagged behind other age groups leaving them vulnerable to serious illness. With over 18 million doses administered in this age group, we know that these vaccines are safe, and we must continue to increase the number of children who are protected. I encourage parents to keep their children up to date with CDC’s COVID-19 vaccine recommendations.
:With cases increasing, it is important that all people have the protection they need, which is why, today, CDC has also strengthened another booster recommendation. Those 50 and older and those who are 12 and older and immunocompromised should get a second booster dose.
:* '''[https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2022/s0519-covid-booster-acip.html CDC Strengthens Recommendations and Expands Eligibility for COVID-19 Booster Shots]''' (May 19, 2022)

*&quot;The people themselves were responsible or whether many of the things in the structure around them didn’t allow them to operate as swiftly as possible and didn’t allow them to prioritize. I think it’s a little bit of both&quot;
**[https://www.science.org/content/article/it-s-incredible-place-cdc-director-rochelle-walensky-how-she-hopes-reform-her-battered] on laying out the facts for employees apologizing for mistakes

*&quot;The latest guidance is based on science and outreach with teachers, parents and the Department of Education. CDC officials conducted comprehensive reviews of literature and extensively studied what happened during school openings in the fall and in Europe&quot;
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal]Walensky told NBC News

*&quot;We are committed to dismantling the barriers faced by our community based on racism, sexism, queer-antagonism, and other discriminatory factors. These barriers include recent legislation like denying trans people from using the bathroom of their gender, barring trans people from participating in sports of their gender, and banning schools from teaching about LGBTQ acceptance
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] On transgender

*&quot;You know, here is what I can tell you. We are in a different place. Schools are open. Businesses are open. We have a lot of population immunity out there right now. We have a lot of protection from vaccination already. Deaths are still at 350 a day, but they are way lower than they were a year ago, two years ago at this time&quot; 
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/cdc-director-dodges-questions-whether-covid-pandemic] Walensky said in an interview with ABC news

*&quot;In a pandemic, you don’t have time to wait. You have to take action to help people. We haven’t been able to be as nimble as we’ve needed to be&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Said Walenksy, who has faced her own communications problems during the crisis

*&quot;The agency needs it to modernize the nation’s public health data infrastructure, for the workforce, and quite honestly, we need it for the intersection of the two. We need data analysts working in public health&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] She has asked Congress for support in expanding the agency’s authority to collect better public health data

*&quot;We wanted to acknowledge the limitations of the methods that we had and give out the data that we had so that people could see how the vaccines were performing&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] On vaccine effectiveness

*&quot;We will put the pedal to the metal for as long as we can under my leadership. My hope is I will leave them in a place where everyone recognizes that this needs to move&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Walensky said

*We want to make sure we get the answer right, but when we know the answer, we shouldn’t wait to convey it to others, I think people within the agency recognize the need for change&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]

== See also ==

==External links==
{{Similar links}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Walensky, Rochelle}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Physicians]]
[[Category:Medical scientists]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
[[Category:Harvard University faculty]]</text>
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      <text bytes="5357" sha1="fl18tzfs108pbcrjc7utz8nyyegaxd1" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Rochelle Walensky|Rochelle Paula Walensky]]''' (née Bersoff; born April 5, 1969) is an [[American]] [[physician]]-[[scientist]] who is the director of the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]] and the administrator of the Agency for [[Toxic]] Substances and [[Disease]] [[Registry]]. Prior to her appointment at the CDC, she was the Chief of the Division of [[Infectious Diseases]] at Massachusetts General [[Hospital]] and a [[professor]] of [[medicine]] at [[Harvard]] Medical School. Walensky is an expert on [[HIV/AIDS]].
[[File:Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director (cropped).jpg|thumb|Rochelle Walensky]]

==Quotes==
* Today, I endorsed ACIP’s vote to expand eligibility for COVID-19 vaccine booster doses. Children 5 through 11 should receive a booster dose at least 5 months after their primary series. Vaccination with a primary series among this age group has lagged behind other age groups leaving them vulnerable to serious illness. With over 18 million doses administered in this age group, we know that these vaccines are safe, and we must continue to increase the number of children who are protected. I encourage parents to keep their children up to date with CDC’s COVID-19 vaccine recommendations.
:With cases increasing, it is important that all people have the protection they need, which is why, today, CDC has also strengthened another booster recommendation. Those 50 and older and those who are 12 and older and immunocompromised should get a second booster dose.
:* '''[https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2022/s0519-covid-booster-acip.html CDC Strengthens Recommendations and Expands Eligibility for COVID-19 Booster Shots]''' (May 19, 2022)

*&quot;The people themselves were responsible or whether many of the things in the structure around them didn’t allow them to operate as swiftly as possible and didn’t allow them to prioritize. I think it’s a little bit of both&quot;
**[https://www.science.org/content/article/it-s-incredible-place-cdc-director-rochelle-walensky-how-she-hopes-reform-her-battered] On laying out the facts for employees apologizing for mistakes

*&quot;The latest guidance is based on science and outreach with teachers, parents and the Department of Education. CDC officials conducted comprehensive reviews of literature and extensively studied what happened during school openings in the fall and in Europe&quot;
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] Walensky told NBC News

*&quot;We are committed to dismantling the barriers faced by our community based on racism, sexism, queer-antagonism, and other discriminatory factors. These barriers include recent legislation like denying trans people from using the bathroom of their gender, barring trans people from participating in sports of their gender, and banning schools from teaching about LGBTQ acceptance
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] On transgender

*&quot;You know, here is what I can tell you. We are in a different place. Schools are open. Businesses are open. We have a lot of population immunity out there right now. We have a lot of protection from vaccination already. Deaths are still at 350 a day, but they are way lower than they were a year ago, two years ago at this time&quot; 
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/cdc-director-dodges-questions-whether-covid-pandemic] Walensky said in an interview with ABC news

*&quot;In a pandemic, you don’t have time to wait. You have to take action to help people. We haven’t been able to be as nimble as we’ve needed to be&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Said Walenksy, who has faced her own communications problems during the crisis

*&quot;The agency needs it to modernize the nation’s public health data infrastructure, for the workforce, and quite honestly, we need it for the intersection of the two. We need data analysts working in public health&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] She has asked Congress for support in expanding the agency’s authority to collect better public health data

*&quot;We wanted to acknowledge the limitations of the methods that we had and give out the data that we had so that people could see how the vaccines were performing&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] On vaccine effectiveness

*&quot;We will put the pedal to the metal for as long as we can under my leadership. My hope is I will leave them in a place where everyone recognizes that this needs to move&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Walensky said

*We want to make sure we get the answer right, but when we know the answer, we shouldn’t wait to convey it to others, I think people within the agency recognize the need for change&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]

== See also ==

==External links==
{{Similar links}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Walensky, Rochelle}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Physicians]]
[[Category:Medical scientists]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
[[Category:Harvard University faculty]]</text>
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      <text bytes="5356" sha1="emtx59ipvovthnj82xhuo878cf6971h" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Rochelle Walensky|Rochelle Paula Walensky]]''' (née Bersoff; born April 5, 1969) is an [[American]] [[physician]]-[[scientist]] who is the director of the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]] and the administrator of the Agency for [[Toxic]] Substances and [[Disease]] [[Registry]]. Prior to her appointment at the CDC, she was the Chief of the Division of [[Infectious Diseases]] at Massachusetts General [[Hospital]] and a [[professor]] of [[medicine]] at [[Harvard]] Medical School. Walensky is an expert on [[HIV/AIDS]].
[[File:Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director (cropped).jpg|thumb|Rochelle Walensky]]

==Quotes==
* Today, I endorsed ACIP’s vote to expand eligibility for COVID-19 vaccine booster doses. Children 5 through 11 should receive a booster dose at least 5 months after their primary series. Vaccination with a primary series among this age group has lagged behind other age groups leaving them vulnerable to serious illness. With over 18 million doses administered in this age group, we know that these vaccines are safe, and we must continue to increase the number of children who are protected. I encourage parents to keep their children up to date with CDC’s COVID-19 vaccine recommendations.
:With cases increasing, it is important that all people have the protection they need, which is why, today, CDC has also strengthened another booster recommendation. Those 50 and older and those who are 12 and older and immunocompromised should get a second booster dose.
:* '''[https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2022/s0519-covid-booster-acip.html CDC Strengthens Recommendations and Expands Eligibility for COVID-19 Booster Shots]''' (May 19, 2022)

*&quot;The people themselves were responsible or whether many of the things in the structure around them didn’t allow them to operate as swiftly as possible and didn’t allow them to prioritize. I think it’s a little bit of both&quot;
**[https://www.science.org/content/article/it-s-incredible-place-cdc-director-rochelle-walensky-how-she-hopes-reform-her-battered] On laying out the facts for employees apologizing for mistakes

*&quot;The latest guidance is based on science and outreach with teachers, parents and the Department of Education. CDC officials conducted comprehensive reviews of literature and extensively studied what happened during school openings in the fall and in Europe&quot;
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] Walensky told NBC News

*&quot;We are committed to dismantling the barriers faced by our community based on racism, sexism, queer-antagonism, and other discriminatory factors. These barriers include recent legislation like denying trans people from using the bathroom of their gender, barring trans people from participating in sports of their gender, and banning schools from teaching about LGBTQ acceptance
**[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cdc-directors-sole-parents-meeting-school-reopening-guidance-featured-left-wing-activists-docs-reveal] On transgender

*&quot;You know, here is what I can tell you. We are in a different place. Schools are open. Businesses are open. We have a lot of population immunity out there right now. We have a lot of protection from vaccination already. Deaths are still at 350 a day, but they are way lower than they were a year ago, two years ago at this time&quot; 
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/cdc-director-dodges-questions-whether-covid-pandemic] Walensky said in an interview with ABC news

*&quot;In a pandemic, you don’t have time to wait. You have to take action to help people. We haven’t been able to be as nimble as we’ve needed to be&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]Said Walenksy, who has faced her own communications problems during the crisis

*&quot;The agency needs it to modernize the nation’s public health data infrastructure, for the workforce, and quite honestly, we need it for the intersection of the two. We need data analysts working in public health&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] She has asked Congress for support in expanding the agency’s authority to collect better public health data

*&quot;We wanted to acknowledge the limitations of the methods that we had and give out the data that we had so that people could see how the vaccines were performing&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] On vaccine effectiveness

*&quot;We will put the pedal to the metal for as long as we can under my leadership. My hope is I will leave them in a place where everyone recognizes that this needs to move&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874] Walensky said

*We want to make sure we get the answer right, but when we know the answer, we shouldn’t wait to convey it to others, I think people within the agency recognize the need for change&quot;
**[https://www.politico.com/amp/news/2022/10/20/rochelle-walensky-change-cdc-00062874]

== See also ==

==External links==
{{Similar links}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Walensky, Rochelle}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Physicians]]
[[Category:Medical scientists]]
[[Category:People from Massachusetts]]
[[Category:Harvard University faculty]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12932" sha1="7609pirq51khb5t5tufe4o53jfyew8z" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Caroline Kennedy cropped 3 Caroline Kennedy 20131115.jpg|thumb|But this year, it’s not just policy proposals that are on the ballot. Our fundamental values are at stake as never before in my lifetime.]]

'''[[w:Caroline Kennedy|Caroline Bouvier Kennedy]]''' (born [[November 27]], [[1957]]) is an American author, attorney, and diplomat. She served as the United States Ambassador to [[Japan]] from 2013 to 2017, and has been serving as the United States Ambassador to [[Australia]] since 2022. She is the daughter of U.S. President [[John F. Kennedy]] and [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis]], and the niece of [[Robert F. Kennedy]] and [[Ted Kennedy]].
== Quotes ==
=== Denver rally (January 2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/press-release-remarks-caroline-kennedy-and-senator-barack-obama-denver Remarks introducing Barack Obama (30 January 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Over the years, I've been deeply moved by the people who've told me they wish they could feel inspired and hopeful about America the way people did when my father was [[President of the United States|president]]. This longing is even more profound today. Fortunately, there is one candidate who offers that same sense of hope and inspiration. That candidate is [[Barack Obama]]. It's rare to find a leader who can inspire us to believe in ourselves, to tie that belief to our highest ideals, and to imagine that together we can do great things. And when that kind of leader comes along, we need to put aside our plans and reach for what we know is possible. That is the kind of opportunity we have in choosing Senator Obama.
* We need a President who will fight to give every child a world-class education. And Barack Obama has been fighting for [[children]] since he was a community organizer more than 20 years ago. We need a President who will restore our commitment to [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]] and [[equality]]. And Barack Obama has brought the [[United States Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]] alive as a civil rights lawyer and by teaching constitutional law. We need a President who will end the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]]. And Barack Obama is the person to do it because he had the courage and judgment to oppose this war from Day One. So when the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] holds its convention here in [[Denver]] this summer, I hope we'll nominate the candidate who stands for the future of our party and the future of this country - Barack Obama.
* It is time for a President who understands that his responsibility is to articulate a vision and inspire others to achieve it; who holds himself, and those around him to the highest ethical standards; who appeals to the hopes of those who still believe in the [[American Dream]], and those around the world who still believe in the American ideal; who can lift our spirits, and make us believe again that our country needs each of us to get involved. And now I'd like to introduce the person I believe will be that President - Barack Obama.
=== DNC speech (August 2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://awpc.cattcenter.iastate.edu/2018/01/08/2008-democratic-national-convention-aug-25-2008/ Remarks delivered at the Democratic National Convention (25 August 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
*I'm here tonight I'm here tonight to pay tribute to two men who have changed my life and the life of this country – [[Barack Obama]] and [[Ted Kennedy|Edward M. Kennedy]]. Their stories are very different but they share a commitment to the timeless American ideals of justice and fairness, service and sacrifice, faith and family. Leaders like them come along rarely. But once or twice in a lifetime, they come along just when we need them the most. This is one of those moments. As our nation faces a fundamental choice between moving forward or falling farther behind, Senator Obama offers the change we need. Everywhere I go in this country, people tell me that Barack Obama is making them feel hopeful, the way they did when my father was president. It's hardly the words he uses – words that remind us that we are all in this together and that we each have something to contribute to this country that has given us so much.
*But it's the life he's led that is the true source of this inspiration – a life spent fighting for ordinary people in neighborhoods and courts in the state Senate and in the [[United States Senate]]. I've never had someone inspire me the way people tell me my father inspired them, but I do now – Barack Obama. And I know someone else who has been inspired all over again by Senator Obama. In our family, he's known as Uncle Teddy. More than any senator of his generation or perhaps any generation, Teddy has made life better for people in this country and around the world. For 46 years, he's been so much more than just a senator for the people of Massachusetts. He's been a senator for all who believe in a dream that's never died.
*If you're no longer being denied a job because of your race, gender or disability or you've seen a rise in the [[minimum wage]] you're being paid, Teddy is your senator, too. And for children who are receiving [[health care]] thanks to the [[w:Children's_Health_Insurance_Program|Children's Health Insurance Program]], if you see a nurse at a community health center or if you are benefiting from the [[Medicare (United States)|Medicare]] program that he fought to create – and just last month he returned to the Senate to save – Teddy is your senator, too. If you're a child who is getting an early boost in life through [[w:Head_Start|Head Start]] or attending a better school or can go to college because a [[w:Pell_Grant|Pell Grant]] has made it more affordable – Teddy is your senator, too. And if you're an eighteen-year-old who's going to vote for the first time – and I bet it will be for Barack Obama – Teddy's your senator, too.
*Not only has Teddy helped put the American Dream within reach for so many families, he's been a powerful force around the world for [[human rights]] and human dignity, for [[Refugee|refugees]] and the dispossessed. He helped end [[apartheid]] in [[South Africa]] and bring peace to [[Northern Ireland]]. He's been a leader on arms control and he took a strong, early and courageous stand against the war in [[Iraq]]. He's a man who always insists that America live up to her highest ideals, who always fights for what he knows is right and who was always there for others. I've seen it in my own life. No matter how busy he is, he never fails to find time for those in pain, those in grief or those who just need a hug. In our family, he's never missed a first communion, a graduation or a chance to walk one of his nieces down the aisle. He has a special relationship with each of us and his 60 great nieces and nephews all know that the best cookies and the best laughs are always found at Uncle Teddy's. Whether he's teaching us about sailing, about the Senate or about life, he has shown us how to chart our course, take the helm and sail against the wind.
* And this summer as he faced yet another challenge, he and Vicky have taught us all about dignity, courage and the power of love. In this campaign, Barack Obama has no greater champion and when he's president he will have no stronger partner in the United States Senate.

=== Joe Biden for president (February 2020) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.bostonglobe.com/2020/02/04/opinion/joe-biden-president/?p1=BGSearch_Overlay_Results op-ed in the ''Boston Globe'' (4 February 2020)]&lt;/small&gt;
*In January 2008, I joined my uncle, Senator [[Ted Kennedy|Edward M. Kennedy]], to endorse Barack Obama for president. We believed America was ready for a new generation of leadership, for a president who would inspire us, as my father did, to believe in the power of ordinary people to do extraordinary things, and the nobility of public service. We face a very different world today. President Trump has done immense damage to our institutions, exploited our differences, and shredded our credibility around the world. I am excited by the Democratic candidates and the ideas they have put forward. But this year, it’s not just policy proposals that are on the ballot. Our fundamental values are at stake as never before in my lifetime.
*America’s place in the world and the society our children inherit will be determined by the character of the leader we choose. We need a president who can bring people together, who knows how to get things done at home and abroad, whose word we can count on, and who can nurture the next generation of leaders. We need [[Joe Biden]].
* As vice president, he came to Japan not long after I arrived as ambassador in 2013. He stepped off Air Force Two wearing his aviator glasses and a big smile. He radiated American optimism and generosity of spirit. He made clear that America would always stand by our allies, and that we were committed to keeping the region peaceful and prosperous. He delivered tough messages as well, but he did it in private, with skill and respect. He thanked our diplomats for serving far from home. I saw a leader who was strong but fair, and who had the trust and respect of other countries.
* Joe Biden is admired abroad because of his record of accomplishment at home. As senator, he secured a unanimous vote to extend the [[w:Voting_Rights_Act_of_1965|Voting Rights Act]] for 25 years. He led the fight to ban [[Assault weapon|assault weapons]] — twice defeating the [[National Rifle Association|NRA]]. He wrote and passed the [[w:Violence_Against_Women_Act|Violence Against Women Act]] to combat domestic violence and sexual assault. He won Senate support for historic agreements to reduce nuclear arsenals and ban chemical weapons.
* When Barack Obama was running for president, he asked me to help lead his search for a running mate, and I supported Joe Biden. Their strong partnership and commitment to fundamental American values achieved real progress on climate change, [[LGBT rights in the United States|marriage equality]], [[Taxation in the United States|tax]] fairness, and [[w:Criminal_justice_reform|criminal justice reform]]. As vice president, Biden secured Republican votes to pass the [[w:American_Recovery_Act|American Recovery Act]], which helped prevent a second [[Great Depression]]. He was Obama’s point person for the [[w:Affordable_Care_Act|Affordable Care Act]] — working with my Uncle Teddy to guarantee quality affordable health care to millions more Americans. But this election is about more than achievement. It is about character.
* I have admired Joe Biden since I was a Senate intern, in 1974. He was a new senator, devout [[Catholic Church|Catholic]], and devoted father to two young sons who had just lost their mother and sister. Teddy recognized him as someone who shared his belief that government should always be on the side of those who need help. In their own families and beyond, they gave others strength in times of loss. They never stopped listening to those who were struggling and treated everyone with dignity. They fought for working families. They worked across the aisle to get the best deal possible and battled to protect the gains they had won. They shared an empathy for others and a commitment to service over self.
*Most important, [[2020 United States presidential election|this election]] is about winning. We need a nominee who can compete in every state, who can bring wandering Democrats and independents back to the fold, and even attract some Republicans. Biden at the top of the ticket is our best bet to win the White House, keep the gains we made in the House, and put the Senate in play. Although 60 years have passed, people still tell me that they are inspired by the words from my father’s inaugural address: &quot;Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.&quot; Joe Biden embodies those words. He understands that the source of America’s strength — what truly makes us great — are the values and ideals that unite us. That’s what his life of service tells us. That is what his character and decency reflect. That’s why, at this fragile moment for our democracy, Joe Biden is the president we need.

==See also==
* [[John F. Kennedy]]
* [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis]]
* [[Robert F. Kennedy]]
* [[Ted Kennedy]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kennedy, Caroline}}
[[Category:1957 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from the United States]]
[[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
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[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Civil rights activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women activists]]
[[Category:Editors from the United States]]
[[Category:Kennedy family|Caroline Kennedy]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12971" sha1="mgaqd45tin6n1j1vosj3golo7mj0vv1" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Caroline Kennedy cropped 3 Caroline Kennedy 20131115.jpg|thumb|But this year, it’s not just policy proposals that are on the ballot. Our fundamental values are at stake as never before in my lifetime.]]

'''[[w:Caroline Kennedy|Caroline Bouvier Kennedy]]''' (born [[November 27]], [[1957]]) is an American author, attorney, and diplomat. She served as the United States Ambassador to [[Japan]] from 2013 to 2017, and has been serving as the United States Ambassador to [[Australia]] since 2022. She is the daughter of U.S. President [[John F. Kennedy]] and [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis]], and the niece of [[Robert F. Kennedy]] and [[Ted Kennedy]].
== Quotes ==
=== Denver rally (January 2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/press-release-remarks-caroline-kennedy-and-senator-barack-obama-denver Remarks introducing Barack Obama (30 January 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Over the years, I've been deeply moved by the people who've told me they wish they could feel inspired and hopeful about America the way people did when my father was [[President of the United States|president]]. This longing is even more profound today. Fortunately, there is one candidate who offers that same sense of hope and inspiration. That candidate is [[Barack Obama]]. It's rare to find a leader who can inspire us to believe in ourselves, to tie that belief to our highest ideals, and to imagine that together we can do great things. And when that kind of leader comes along, we need to put aside our plans and reach for what we know is possible. That is the kind of opportunity we have in choosing Senator Obama.
* We need a President who will fight to give every child a world-class education. And Barack Obama has been fighting for [[children]] since he was a community organizer more than 20 years ago. We need a President who will restore our commitment to [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]] and [[equality]]. And Barack Obama has brought the [[United States Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]] alive as a civil rights lawyer and by teaching constitutional law. We need a President who will end the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]]. And Barack Obama is the person to do it because he had the courage and judgment to oppose this war from Day One. So when the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] holds its convention here in [[Denver]] this summer, I hope we'll nominate the candidate who stands for the future of our party and the future of this country - Barack Obama.
* It is time for a President who understands that his responsibility is to articulate a vision and inspire others to achieve it; who holds himself, and those around him to the highest ethical standards; who appeals to the hopes of those who still believe in the [[American Dream]], and those around the world who still believe in the American ideal; who can lift our spirits, and make us believe again that our country needs each of us to get involved. And now I'd like to introduce the person I believe will be that President - Barack Obama.
=== DNC speech (August 2008) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://awpc.cattcenter.iastate.edu/2018/01/08/2008-democratic-national-convention-aug-25-2008/ Remarks delivered at the Democratic National Convention (25 August 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
*I'm here tonight I'm here tonight to pay tribute to two men who have changed my life and the life of this country – [[Barack Obama]] and [[Ted Kennedy|Edward M. Kennedy]]. Their stories are very different but they share a commitment to the timeless American ideals of justice and fairness, service and sacrifice, faith and family. Leaders like them come along rarely. But once or twice in a lifetime, they come along just when we need them the most. This is one of those moments. As our nation faces a fundamental choice between moving forward or falling farther behind, Senator Obama offers the change we need. Everywhere I go in this country, people tell me that Barack Obama is making them feel hopeful, the way they did when my father was president. It's hardly the words he uses – words that remind us that we are all in this together and that we each have something to contribute to this country that has given us so much.
*But it's the life he's led that is the true source of this inspiration – a life spent fighting for ordinary people in neighborhoods and courts in the state Senate and in the [[United States Senate]]. I've never had someone inspire me the way people tell me my father inspired them, but I do now – Barack Obama. And I know someone else who has been inspired all over again by Senator Obama. In our family, he's known as Uncle Teddy. More than any senator of his generation or perhaps any generation, Teddy has made life better for people in this country and around the world. For 46 years, he's been so much more than just a senator for the people of Massachusetts. He's been a senator for all who believe in a dream that's never died.
*If you're no longer being denied a job because of your race, gender or disability or you've seen a rise in the [[minimum wage]] you're being paid, Teddy is your senator, too. And for children who are receiving [[health care]] thanks to the [[w:Children's_Health_Insurance_Program|Children's Health Insurance Program]], if you see a nurse at a community health center or if you are benefiting from the [[Medicare (United States)|Medicare]] program that he fought to create – and just last month he returned to the Senate to save – Teddy is your senator, too. If you're a child who is getting an early boost in life through [[w:Head_Start|Head Start]] or attending a better school or can go to college because a [[w:Pell_Grant|Pell Grant]] has made it more affordable – Teddy is your senator, too. And if you're an eighteen-year-old who's going to vote for the first time – and I bet it will be for Barack Obama – Teddy's your senator, too.
*Not only has Teddy helped put the American Dream within reach for so many families, he's been a powerful force around the world for [[human rights]] and human dignity, for [[Refugee|refugees]] and the dispossessed. He helped end [[apartheid]] in [[South Africa]] and bring peace to [[Northern Ireland]]. He's been a leader on arms control and he took a strong, early and courageous stand against the war in [[Iraq]]. He's a man who always insists that America live up to her highest ideals, who always fights for what he knows is right and who was always there for others. I've seen it in my own life. No matter how busy he is, he never fails to find time for those in pain, those in grief or those who just need a hug. In our family, he's never missed a first communion, a graduation or a chance to walk one of his nieces down the aisle. He has a special relationship with each of us and his 60 great nieces and nephews all know that the best cookies and the best laughs are always found at Uncle Teddy's. Whether he's teaching us about sailing, about the Senate or about life, he has shown us how to chart our course, take the helm and sail against the wind.
* And this summer as he faced yet another challenge, he and Vicky have taught us all about dignity, courage and the power of love. In this campaign, Barack Obama has no greater champion and when he's president he will have no stronger partner in the United States Senate.

=== Joe Biden for president (February 2020) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.bostonglobe.com/2020/02/04/opinion/joe-biden-president/?p1=BGSearch_Overlay_Results op-ed in the ''Boston Globe'' (4 February 2020)]&lt;/small&gt;
*In January 2008, I joined my uncle, Senator [[Ted Kennedy|Edward M. Kennedy]], to endorse Barack Obama for president. We believed America was ready for a new generation of leadership, for a president who would inspire us, as my father did, to believe in the power of ordinary people to do extraordinary things, and the nobility of public service. We face a very different world today. President Trump has done immense damage to our institutions, exploited our differences, and shredded our credibility around the world. I am excited by the Democratic candidates and the ideas they have put forward. But this year, it’s not just policy proposals that are on the ballot. Our fundamental values are at stake as never before in my lifetime.
*America’s place in the world and the society our children inherit will be determined by the character of the leader we choose. We need a president who can bring people together, who knows how to get things done at home and abroad, whose word we can count on, and who can nurture the next generation of leaders. We need [[Joe Biden]].
* As vice president, he came to Japan not long after I arrived as ambassador in 2013. He stepped off Air Force Two wearing his aviator glasses and a big smile. He radiated American optimism and generosity of spirit. He made clear that America would always stand by our allies, and that we were committed to keeping the region peaceful and prosperous. He delivered tough messages as well, but he did it in private, with skill and respect. He thanked our diplomats for serving far from home. I saw a leader who was strong but fair, and who had the trust and respect of other countries.
* Joe Biden is admired abroad because of his record of accomplishment at home. As senator, he secured a unanimous vote to extend the [[w:Voting_Rights_Act_of_1965|Voting Rights Act]] for 25 years. He led the fight to ban [[Assault weapon|assault weapons]] — twice defeating the [[National Rifle Association|NRA]]. He wrote and passed the [[w:Violence_Against_Women_Act|Violence Against Women Act]] to combat domestic violence and sexual assault. He won Senate support for historic agreements to reduce nuclear arsenals and ban chemical weapons.
* When Barack Obama was running for president, he asked me to help lead his search for a running mate, and I supported Joe Biden. Their strong partnership and commitment to fundamental American values achieved real progress on climate change, [[LGBT rights in the United States|marriage equality]], [[Taxation in the United States|tax]] fairness, and [[w:Criminal_justice_reform|criminal justice reform]]. As vice president, Biden secured Republican votes to pass the [[w:American_Recovery_Act|American Recovery Act]], which helped prevent a second [[Great Depression]]. He was Obama’s point person for the [[w:Affordable_Care_Act|Affordable Care Act]] — working with my Uncle Teddy to guarantee quality affordable health care to millions more Americans. But this election is about more than achievement. It is about character.
* I have admired Joe Biden since I was a Senate intern, in 1974. He was a new senator, devout [[Catholic Church|Catholic]], and devoted father to two young sons who had just lost their mother and sister. Teddy recognized him as someone who shared his belief that government should always be on the side of those who need help. In their own families and beyond, they gave others strength in times of loss. They never stopped listening to those who were struggling and treated everyone with dignity. They fought for working families. They worked across the aisle to get the best deal possible and battled to protect the gains they had won. They shared an empathy for others and a commitment to service over self.
*Most important, [[2020 United States presidential election|this election]] is about winning. We need a nominee who can compete in every state, who can bring wandering Democrats and independents back to the fold, and even attract some Republicans. Biden at the top of the ticket is our best bet to win the White House, keep the gains we made in the House, and put the Senate in play. Although 60 years have passed, people still tell me that they are inspired by the words from my father’s inaugural address: &quot;Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.&quot; Joe Biden embodies those words. He understands that the source of America’s strength — what truly makes us great — are the values and ideals that unite us. That’s what his life of service tells us. That is what his character and decency reflect. That’s why, at this fragile moment for our democracy, Joe Biden is the president we need.

==See also==
* [[John F. Kennedy]]
* [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis]]
* [[Robert F. Kennedy]]
* [[Ted Kennedy]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kennedy, Caroline}}
[[Category:1957 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from the United States]]
[[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Women in law]]
[[Category:Essayists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:Civil rights activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Women activists]]
[[Category:Editors from the United States]]
[[Category:Kennedy family|Caroline Kennedy]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Lemonaka</title>
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      <comment>/* The Father and News of the World */ reply: @FilmandTVFan28 Blocked. (-) ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
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== Error fixed ==

I fixed the error on my report. [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 04:13, 14 August 2024 (UTC)

== The Father and News of the World ==

That IP user is at it again over at [[The Father (2020 film)]] and [[News of the World]]. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 03:07, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

I'm afraid the IP user has done it again on those two pages. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 05:56, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 13:13, 30 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Nicola Watson</title>
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      <text bytes="1688" sha1="kz7u59wsvjpvk173kftwgqu4g6fnx70" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nicola Watson|Nicola Jane Watson]]''' (born 10 July 1955) is a [[Zimbabwe]]an [[accountant]] and [[politician]] serving as the Member of the [[w:National Assembly of Zimbabwe|National Assembly of Zimbabwe]] for [[w:Bulawayo Central|Bulawayo Central]] since  [[w:2018 Zimbabwean general election|2018]]. She was previously one of the women parliamentary representatives elected in [[w:2013 Zimbabwean general election|2013]].

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* I come from a family with a strong political background. My mother served as an MP, and in 2000, I entered opposition politics after witnessing the economic decline and feeling driven to make a positive change.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/2018/06/zim-needs-new-fiscal-policy-watson  Nicola Watson respond to the question ;How did you join politics?]


*  PR MPs don’t have a dedicated budget like the Constituency Development Fund, yet there are numerous social issues in the constituency, including poverty.

* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/2018/06/zim-needs-new-fiscal-policy-wats Nicola  Watson respond &quot;What have you offered to the province as a PR MP?]


*&quot;When you are walking by faith you'll see things from a different perspective.&quot;
** [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/32370259-make-top-grades-how-to-get-a-4-o-gpa] {{fix cite}}

*&quot;You don't have to think from a shortage mentality, God has enough for everyone.&quot;
** [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/32370259-make-top-grades-how-to-get-a-4-o-gpa] {{fix cite}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Watson, Nicola}}

[[Category:Politicians from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Women from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:1955 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1719" sha1="4yl4zv3hp45ljmdnuttgx665zulwgvs" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nicola Watson|Nicola Jane Watson]]''' (born 10 July 1955) is a [[Zimbabwe]]an [[accountant]] and [[politician]] serving as the Member of the [[w:National Assembly of Zimbabwe|National Assembly of Zimbabwe]] for [[w:Bulawayo Central|Bulawayo Central]] since  [[w:2018 Zimbabwean general election|2018]]. She was previously one of the women parliamentary representatives elected in [[w:2013 Zimbabwean general election|2013]].

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* I come from a family with a strong political background. My mother served as an MP, and in 2000, I entered opposition politics after witnessing the economic decline and feeling driven to make a positive change.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/2018/06/zim-needs-new-fiscal-policy-watson  Nicola Watson respond to the question ;How did you join politics?]


*  PR MPs don’t have a dedicated budget like the Constituency Development Fund, yet there are numerous social issues in the constituency, including poverty.

* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/2018/06/zim-needs-new-fiscal-policy-wats Nicola  Watson respond &quot;What have you offered to the province as a PR MP?]


*&quot;When you are walking by faith you'll see things from a different perspective.&quot;
** [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/32370259-make-top-grades-how-to-get-a-4-o-gpa] {{fix cite}}

*&quot;You don't have to think from a shortage mentality, God has enough for everyone.&quot;
** [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/32370259-make-top-grades-how-to-get-a-4-o-gpa] {{fix cite}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Watson, Nicola}}

[[Category:Politicians from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Women from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:1955 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Rayda Jacobs</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="824" sha1="nquwxp9paxfnixhdebtlpwjhlqqpxji" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Rayda Jacobs|Rayda Jacobs]]''' ([[6 March]] [[1947]] – [[29 October]] [[2024]]) was a South African writer and film-maker. 

== Quotes ==  
* I believe if we know about one another, and focus more on how we are the same rather than how different, we will be less inclined to prove that we have all the right answers, and get on with the real business of living.
**[https://oulitnet.co.za/ricochet/rjacobs.asp , Sharon Meyering, A glancing rebound, Interview with Rayda Jacobs ''']

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb name |id=2341709}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jacobs, Rayda}}
[[Category:1947 births]]
[[Category:2024 deaths]]
[[Category:Authors from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Film directors]]
[[Category:Women authors]]
[[Category:People from Cape Town]]


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    <title>Sinfest</title>
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'''''[[w:Sinfest|Sinfest]]''''' is a long-running American webcomic by [[Tatsuya Ishida]]. Updating daily, ''Sinfest'' started as a black comedy strip in January 2000. It covers such topics as [[American politics]], [[organized religion]], and [[radical feminism]].

== Quotes ==
=== Classic ''Sinfest'' (2000–2011) ===
==== 2000 ====
* '''The Devil''': You're just jealous cuz I'm more popular than you.&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Talk to the hand.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-02-13 &quot;Devil Puppet 3&quot;] (February 13, 2000)

* '''Slick''': This world you created is a bust! It's a full-on hellhole! What gives?!&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Well, it's a sort of work in progress. It's open to interpretation and functions on multiple levels.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-05-28 &quot;Creator 2&quot;] (May 28, 2000)

==== 2001 ====
* '''Seymour''': ''[shouting]'' Praise the Lord! Go to church! Save your soul! Repent now! God is watching!&lt;br&gt;'''The Devil''': ''[to God]'' You need better representation.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2001-02-01 &quot;Better PR&quot;] (February 1, 2001)

==== 2002 ====
* '''Slick''': Christmas … Chanukkah … Kwanzaa, Agnostica, Ramadan, Boxing Day.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': Let's celebrate them all!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2002-12-15 &quot;Holidays&quot;] (December 15, 2002)

==== 2003 ====
* '''Slick''': Existence. I ponder it most ponderously.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': As do I. I am like ''Philosophocles''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2003-07-09 &quot;Pretentious&quot;] (July 9, 2003)

==== 2005 ====
* '''Monique''': Are you Catholic? Protestant? Baptist? Muslim? Hindu? ''What are You?''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Labels …
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2005-09-25 &quot;Emo God&quot;] (September 25, 2005)

==== 2006 ====
* '''Criminy''': I fortify myself with ''facts''. ''Arm'' myself with information. ''Empower'' myself with ''wisdom'' … then I hide away.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2006-08-23 &quot;Fort&quot;] (August 23, 2006)

==== 2008 ====
* '''Monique''': Dear Congress. Hi! How ya doin'? Hope I'm not bothering you. Just wanted to ask a favor. Could you possibly, maybe, if it's not too much trouble … ''represent us???!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2008-10-03 &quot;Dear Congress&quot;] (October 3, 2008)

==== 2009 ====
* '''Monique''': People think I'm a ''demon'' …&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': God thinks I'm a ''monster''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-03-01 &quot;Message in a Bottle 2&quot;] (March 1, 2009)

* '''Slick''': What do you want? Name it and I'll get it for you!&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': World peace.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': You got it! Wait here! ''[On phone]'' Hello? Sinister shadow government responsible for all the wars in human history? ''Stop it!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-05-13 &quot;Epiphany&quot;] (May 13, 2009)

==== 2010 ====
* '''Fuchsia''': Does it bother you that I'm a devil girl? That I have horns and a tail and shoot fire from my hands and the fact that I'm not normal in any way, shape or form whatsoever?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Only if it bothers ''you''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-06-18 &quot;Does It Bother You?&quot;] (June 18, 2010)

* '''Fuchsia''': Did you really come down here to save me?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Yes. Well, ''no''. Not to ''save'' you. … Just to ''be'' with you.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-09-28 &quot;Just To Be With You&quot;] (September 28, 2010)

* '''Slick''': Look, I don't know if you sent a million men to hell … but I do know ''for a fact'' that you pulled me out of there.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': I did?&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Yeah. ''Twice.'' So it all evens out.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-12-17 &quot;Even&quot;] (December 17, 2010)

=== Modern ''Sinfest'' (2011–present) ===
==== 2011 ====
* '''Xanthe''': ''Bare midriff!'' Patriarchally sanctioned fashion trope that encourages the objectification of women!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-03 &quot;The Sisterhood&quot;] (October 3, 2011)

* '''Slick''': There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form …&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': ''No [[mansplaining]].''&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': &quot;Mansplaining&quot;?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': You are awash in male privilege and ''heteronormative assumptions'' about ''gender performativity''.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Hetero what?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': Heteronormative assumptions about gender performativity.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': In ''English'', please?
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-05 &quot;The Sisterhood 3&quot;] (October 5, 2011)

==== 2013 ====
* '''Xanthe''': Pornography and prostitution are the main pillars of male supremacy and must be eradicated for the liberation of women everywhere.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2013-01-25 &quot;Password&quot;] (January 25, 2013)

== Quotes about ''Sinfest'' ==
* The first seven years it was coffee and revenge. That's what kept me going. My attitude was, &quot;I'll show them. I'll show them all!&quot;
** [[Tatsuya Ishida]], as quoted in [https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 &quot;The Wages of Sinfest&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20090615151041/https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 archived]), Laura Hudson, ''Publishers Weekly'' (2009-06-09)

* The webcomics landscape looked incredibly different back then, with what comparatively few comics there were mostly being about video game humor, sporadically updated and crudely drawn. But Tatsuya Ishida's ''Sinfest'' stood out in that he was one of the few web cartoonists who seemed to know art, updated regularly, and didn't do tons of video game jokes that I didn't understand.
** Sean Kleefeld: [http://www.kleefeldoncomics.com/2024/04/on-tatsuya-ishida.html &quot;On Tatsuya Ishida&quot;]. ''Kleefeld on Comics'' (2024-04-08).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://sinfest.xyz/archive.php?year=2000 ''Sinfest'' archives]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Sinfest|Sinfest]]''''' is a long-running American webcomic by [[Tatsuya Ishida]]. Updating daily, ''Sinfest'' started as a black comedy strip in January 2000. It covers such topics as [[American politics]], [[organized religion]], and [[radical feminism]].

== Quotes ==
=== Classic ''Sinfest'' (2000–2011) ===
==== 2000 ====
* '''The Devil''': You're just jealous cuz I'm more popular than you.&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Talk to the hand.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-02-13 &quot;Devil Puppet 3&quot;] (February 13, 2000)

* '''Slick''': This world you created is a bust! It's a full-on hellhole! What gives?!&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Well, it's a sort of work in progress. It's open to interpretation and functions on multiple levels.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-05-28 &quot;Creator 2&quot;] (May 28, 2000)

==== 2001 ====
* '''Seymour''': ''[shouting]'' Praise the Lord! Go to church! Save your soul! Repent now! God is watching!&lt;br&gt;'''The Devil''': ''[to God]'' You need better representation.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2001-02-01 &quot;Better PR&quot;] (February 1, 2001)

==== 2002 ====
* '''Slick''': Christmas … Chanukkah … Kwanzaa, Agnostica, Ramadan, Boxing Day.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': Let's celebrate them all!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2002-12-15 &quot;Holidays&quot;] (December 15, 2002)

==== 2003 ====
* '''Slick''': Existence. I ponder it most ponderously.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': As do I. I am like ''Philosophocles''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2003-07-09 &quot;Pretentious&quot;] (July 9, 2003)

==== 2004 ====
* '''Seymour''': You're in our schools! Our courts! Our ballparks! Our money! You're ''everywhere!''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': I just want to be in your heart.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2004-11-23 &quot;In Your Heart&quot;] (November 23, 2004)

==== 2005 ====
* '''Monique''': Are you Catholic? Protestant? Baptist? Muslim? Hindu? ''What are You?''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Labels …
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2005-09-25 &quot;Emo God&quot;] (September 25, 2005)

==== 2006 ====
* '''Criminy''': I fortify myself with ''facts''. ''Arm'' myself with information. ''Empower'' myself with ''wisdom'' … then I hide away.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2006-08-23 &quot;Fort&quot;] (August 23, 2006)

==== 2008 ====
* '''Monique''': Dear Congress. Hi! How ya doin'? Hope I'm not bothering you. Just wanted to ask a favor. Could you possibly, maybe, if it's not too much trouble … ''represent us???!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2008-10-03 &quot;Dear Congress&quot;] (October 3, 2008)

==== 2009 ====
* '''Monique''': People think I'm a ''demon'' …&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': God thinks I'm a ''monster''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-03-01 &quot;Message in a Bottle 2&quot;] (March 1, 2009)

* '''Slick''': What do you want? Name it and I'll get it for you!&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': World peace.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': You got it! Wait here! ''[On phone]'' Hello? Sinister shadow government responsible for all the wars in human history? ''Stop it!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-05-13 &quot;Epiphany&quot;] (May 13, 2009)

==== 2010 ====
* '''Fuchsia''': Does it bother you that I'm a devil girl? That I have horns and a tail and shoot fire from my hands and the fact that I'm not normal in any way, shape or form whatsoever?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Only if it bothers ''you''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-06-18 &quot;Does It Bother You?&quot;] (June 18, 2010)

* '''Fuchsia''': Did you really come down here to save me?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Yes. Well, ''no''. Not to ''save'' you. … Just to ''be'' with you.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-09-28 &quot;Just To Be With You&quot;] (September 28, 2010)

* '''Slick''': Look, I don't know if you sent a million men to hell … but I do know ''for a fact'' that you pulled me out of there.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': I did?&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Yeah. ''Twice.'' So it all evens out.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-12-17 &quot;Even&quot;] (December 17, 2010)

=== Modern ''Sinfest'' (2011–present) ===
==== 2011 ====
* '''Xanthe''': ''Bare midriff!'' Patriarchally sanctioned fashion trope that encourages the objectification of women!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-03 &quot;The Sisterhood&quot;] (October 3, 2011)

* '''Slick''': There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form …&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': ''No [[mansplaining]].''&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': &quot;Mansplaining&quot;?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': You are awash in male privilege and ''heteronormative assumptions'' about ''gender performativity''.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Hetero what?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': Heteronormative assumptions about gender performativity.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': In ''English'', please?
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-05 &quot;The Sisterhood 3&quot;] (October 5, 2011)

==== 2013 ====
* '''Xanthe''': Pornography and prostitution are the main pillars of male supremacy and must be eradicated for the liberation of women everywhere.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2013-01-25 &quot;Password&quot;] (January 25, 2013)

== Quotes about ''Sinfest'' ==
* The first seven years it was coffee and revenge. That's what kept me going. My attitude was, &quot;I'll show them. I'll show them all!&quot;
** [[Tatsuya Ishida]], as quoted in [https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 &quot;The Wages of Sinfest&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20090615151041/https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 archived]), Laura Hudson, ''Publishers Weekly'' (2009-06-09)

* The webcomics landscape looked incredibly different back then, with what comparatively few comics there were mostly being about video game humor, sporadically updated and crudely drawn. But Tatsuya Ishida's ''Sinfest'' stood out in that he was one of the few web cartoonists who seemed to know art, updated regularly, and didn't do tons of video game jokes that I didn't understand.
** Sean Kleefeld: [http://www.kleefeldoncomics.com/2024/04/on-tatsuya-ishida.html &quot;On Tatsuya Ishida&quot;]. ''Kleefeld on Comics'' (2024-04-08).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://sinfest.xyz/archive.php?year=2000 ''Sinfest'' archives]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>i8y20m5qf5vgu0e50hgfnurv8onhjdt</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607527</id>
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      <text bytes="6250" sha1="93bb7sjk5edyikzdm796kh9r9q0tt51" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Sinfest|Sinfest]]''''' is a long-running American webcomic by [[Tatsuya Ishida]]. Updating daily, ''Sinfest'' started as a black comedy strip in January 2000. It covers such topics as [[American politics]], [[organized religion]], and [[radical feminism]].

== Quotes ==
=== Classic ''Sinfest'' (2000–2011) ===
==== 2000 ====
* '''The Devil''': You're just jealous cuz I'm more popular than you.&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Talk to the hand.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-02-13 &quot;Devil Puppet 3&quot;] (February 13, 2000)

* '''Slick''': This world you created is a bust! It's a full-on hellhole! What gives?!&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Well, it's a sort of work in progress. It's open to interpretation and functions on multiple levels.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-05-28 &quot;Creator 2&quot;] (May 28, 2000)

==== 2001 ====
* '''Seymour''': ''[shouting]'' Praise the Lord! Go to church! Save your soul! Repent now! God is watching!&lt;br&gt;'''The Devil''': ''[to God]'' You need better representation.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2001-02-01 &quot;Better PR&quot;] (February 1, 2001)

==== 2002 ====
* '''Slick''': Christmas … Chanukkah … Kwanzaa, Agnostica, Ramadan, Boxing Day.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': Let's celebrate them all!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2002-12-15 &quot;Holidays&quot;] (December 15, 2002)

==== 2003 ====
* '''Slick''': Existence. I ponder it most ponderously.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': As do I. I am like ''Philosophocles''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2003-07-09 &quot;Pretentious&quot;] (July 9, 2003)

==== 2004 ====
* '''Seymour''': You're in our schools! Our courts! Our ballparks! Our money! You're ''everywhere!''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': I just want to be in your heart.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2004-11-23 &quot;In Your Heart&quot;] (November 23, 2004)

==== 2005 ====
* '''Monique''': Are you Catholic? Protestant? Baptist? Muslim? Hindu? ''What are You?''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Labels …
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2005-09-25 &quot;Emo God&quot;] (September 25, 2005)

==== 2006 ====
* '''Criminy''': I fortify myself with ''facts''. ''Arm'' myself with information. ''Empower'' myself with ''wisdom'' … then I hide away.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2006-08-23 &quot;Fort&quot;] (August 23, 2006)

==== 2007 ====
* '''Seymour''': God is a ''benevolent'' ruler!&lt;br&gt;'''Lil' Evil''': Don't believe the hype.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2007-05-07 &quot;Protest&quot;] (May 7, 2007)

==== 2008 ====
* '''Monique''': Dear Congress. Hi! How ya doin'? Hope I'm not bothering you. Just wanted to ask a favor. Could you possibly, maybe, if it's not too much trouble … ''represent us???!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2008-10-03 &quot;Dear Congress&quot;] (October 3, 2008)

==== 2009 ====
* '''Monique''': People think I'm a ''demon'' …&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': God thinks I'm a ''monster''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-03-01 &quot;Message in a Bottle 2&quot;] (March 1, 2009)

* '''Slick''': What do you want? Name it and I'll get it for you!&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': World peace.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': You got it! Wait here! ''[On phone]'' Hello? Sinister shadow government responsible for all the wars in human history? ''Stop it!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-05-13 &quot;Epiphany&quot;] (May 13, 2009)

==== 2010 ====
* '''Fuchsia''': Does it bother you that I'm a devil girl? That I have horns and a tail and shoot fire from my hands and the fact that I'm not normal in any way, shape or form whatsoever?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Only if it bothers ''you''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-06-18 &quot;Does It Bother You?&quot;] (June 18, 2010)

* '''Fuchsia''': Did you really come down here to save me?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Yes. Well, ''no''. Not to ''save'' you. … Just to ''be'' with you.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-09-28 &quot;Just To Be With You&quot;] (September 28, 2010)

* '''Slick''': Look, I don't know if you sent a million men to hell … but I do know ''for a fact'' that you pulled me out of there.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': I did?&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Yeah. ''Twice.'' So it all evens out.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-12-17 &quot;Even&quot;] (December 17, 2010)

=== Modern ''Sinfest'' (2011–present) ===
==== 2011 ====
* '''Xanthe''': ''Bare midriff!'' Patriarchally sanctioned fashion trope that encourages the objectification of women!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-03 &quot;The Sisterhood&quot;] (October 3, 2011)

* '''Slick''': There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form …&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': ''No [[mansplaining]].''&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': &quot;Mansplaining&quot;?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': You are awash in male privilege and ''heteronormative assumptions'' about ''gender performativity''.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Hetero what?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': Heteronormative assumptions about gender performativity.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': In ''English'', please?
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-05 &quot;The Sisterhood 3&quot;] (October 5, 2011)

==== 2013 ====
* '''Xanthe''': Pornography and prostitution are the main pillars of male supremacy and must be eradicated for the liberation of women everywhere.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2013-01-25 &quot;Password&quot;] (January 25, 2013)

== Quotes about ''Sinfest'' ==
* The first seven years it was coffee and revenge. That's what kept me going. My attitude was, &quot;I'll show them. I'll show them all!&quot;
** [[Tatsuya Ishida]], as quoted in [https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 &quot;The Wages of Sinfest&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20090615151041/https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 archived]), Laura Hudson, ''Publishers Weekly'' (2009-06-09)

* The webcomics landscape looked incredibly different back then, with what comparatively few comics there were mostly being about video game humor, sporadically updated and crudely drawn. But Tatsuya Ishida's ''Sinfest'' stood out in that he was one of the few web cartoonists who seemed to know art, updated regularly, and didn't do tons of video game jokes that I didn't understand.
** Sean Kleefeld: [http://www.kleefeldoncomics.com/2024/04/on-tatsuya-ishida.html &quot;On Tatsuya Ishida&quot;]. ''Kleefeld on Comics'' (2024-04-08).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://sinfest.xyz/archive.php?year=2000 ''Sinfest'' archives]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>93bb7sjk5edyikzdm796kh9r9q0tt51</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607529</id>
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        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
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      <text bytes="6457" sha1="2r1tux6al16fmlcfcpwft1meiatsdn0" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Sinfest|Sinfest]]''''' is a long-running American webcomic by [[Tatsuya Ishida]]. Updating daily, ''Sinfest'' started as a black comedy strip in January 2000. It covers such topics as [[American politics]], [[organized religion]], and [[radical feminism]].

== Quotes ==
=== Classic ''Sinfest'' (2000–2011) ===
==== 2000 ====
* '''The Devil''': You're just jealous cuz I'm more popular than you.&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Talk to the hand.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-02-13 &quot;Devil Puppet 3&quot;] (February 13, 2000)

* '''Slick''': This world you created is a bust! It's a full-on hellhole! What gives?!&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Well, it's a sort of work in progress. It's open to interpretation and functions on multiple levels.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-05-28 &quot;Creator 2&quot;] (May 28, 2000)

==== 2001 ====
* '''Seymour''': ''[shouting]'' Praise the Lord! Go to church! Save your soul! Repent now! God is watching!&lt;br&gt;'''The Devil''': ''[to God]'' You need better representation.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2001-02-01 &quot;Better PR&quot;] (February 1, 2001)

==== 2002 ====
* '''Slick''': Christmas … Chanukkah … Kwanzaa, Agnostica, Ramadan, Boxing Day.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': Let's celebrate them all!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2002-12-15 &quot;Holidays&quot;] (December 15, 2002)

==== 2003 ====
* '''Slick''': Existence. I ponder it most ponderously.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': As do I. I am like ''Philosophocles''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2003-07-09 &quot;Pretentious&quot;] (July 9, 2003)

==== 2004 ====
* '''Seymour''': You're in our schools! Our courts! Our ballparks! Our money! You're ''everywhere!''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': I just want to be in your heart.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2004-11-23 &quot;In Your Heart&quot;] (November 23, 2004)

==== 2005 ====
* '''Monique''': Are you Catholic? Protestant? Baptist? Muslim? Hindu? ''What are You?''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Labels …
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2005-09-25 &quot;Emo God&quot;] (September 25, 2005)

==== 2006 ====
* '''Criminy''': I fortify myself with ''facts''. ''Arm'' myself with information. ''Empower'' myself with ''wisdom'' … then I hide away.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2006-08-23 &quot;Fort&quot;] (August 23, 2006)

==== 2007 ====
* '''Seymour''': God is a ''benevolent'' ruler!&lt;br&gt;'''Lil' Evil''': Don't believe the hype.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2007-05-07 &quot;Protest&quot;] (May 7, 2007)

==== 2008 ====
* '''Monique''': Dear Congress. Hi! How ya doin'? Hope I'm not bothering you. Just wanted to ask a favor. Could you possibly, maybe, if it's not too much trouble … ''represent us???!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2008-10-03 &quot;Dear Congress&quot;] (October 3, 2008)

==== 2009 ====
* '''Monique''': People think I'm a ''demon'' …&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': God thinks I'm a ''monster''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-03-01 &quot;Message in a Bottle 2&quot;] (March 1, 2009)

* '''Slick''': What do you want? Name it and I'll get it for you!&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': World peace.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': You got it! Wait here! ''[On phone]'' Hello? Sinister shadow government responsible for all the wars in human history? ''Stop it!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-05-13 &quot;Epiphany&quot;] (May 13, 2009)

==== 2010 ====
* '''Fuchsia''': Does it bother you that I'm a devil girl? That I have horns and a tail and shoot fire from my hands and the fact that I'm not normal in any way, shape or form whatsoever?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Only if it bothers ''you''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-06-18 &quot;Does It Bother You?&quot;] (June 18, 2010)

* '''Fuchsia''': Did you really come down here to save me?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Yes. Well, ''no''. Not to ''save'' you. … Just to ''be'' with you.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-09-28 &quot;Just To Be With You&quot;] (September 28, 2010)

* '''Slick''': Look, I don't know if you sent a million men to hell … but I do know ''for a fact'' that you pulled me out of there.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': I did?&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Yeah. ''Twice.'' So it all evens out.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-12-17 &quot;Even&quot;] (December 17, 2010)

=== Modern ''Sinfest'' (2011–present) ===
==== 2011 ====
* '''Xanthe''': ''Bare midriff!'' Patriarchally sanctioned fashion trope that encourages the objectification of women!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-03 &quot;The Sisterhood&quot;] (October 3, 2011)

* '''Slick''': There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form …&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': ''No [[mansplaining]].''&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': &quot;Mansplaining&quot;?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': You are awash in male privilege and ''heteronormative assumptions'' about ''gender performativity''.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Hetero what?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': Heteronormative assumptions about gender performativity.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': In ''English'', please?
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-05 &quot;The Sisterhood 3&quot;] (October 5, 2011)

* '''Xanthe''': This is the ''patriarchy''. A ''social-interactive construct'' that ''bombards'' us with ''misogyny''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-09 &quot;The Sisterhood 7&quot;] (October 9, 2011)

==== 2013 ====
* '''Xanthe''': Pornography and prostitution are the main pillars of male supremacy and must be eradicated for the liberation of women everywhere.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2013-01-25 &quot;Password&quot;] (January 25, 2013)

== Quotes about ''Sinfest'' ==
* The first seven years it was coffee and revenge. That's what kept me going. My attitude was, &quot;I'll show them. I'll show them all!&quot;
** [[Tatsuya Ishida]], as quoted in [https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 &quot;The Wages of Sinfest&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20090615151041/https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 archived]), Laura Hudson, ''Publishers Weekly'' (2009-06-09)

* The webcomics landscape looked incredibly different back then, with what comparatively few comics there were mostly being about video game humor, sporadically updated and crudely drawn. But Tatsuya Ishida's ''Sinfest'' stood out in that he was one of the few web cartoonists who seemed to know art, updated regularly, and didn't do tons of video game jokes that I didn't understand.
** Sean Kleefeld: [http://www.kleefeldoncomics.com/2024/04/on-tatsuya-ishida.html &quot;On Tatsuya Ishida&quot;]. ''Kleefeld on Comics'' (2024-04-08).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://sinfest.xyz/archive.php?year=2000 ''Sinfest'' archives]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>2r1tux6al16fmlcfcpwft1meiatsdn0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607540</id>
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      <text bytes="6600" sha1="092pfqcvhhgn5ztmfettso72vhf2pnz" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Sinfest|Sinfest]]''''' is a long-running American webcomic by [[Tatsuya Ishida]]. Updating daily, ''Sinfest'' started as a black comedy strip in January 2000. It covers such topics as [[American politics]], [[organized religion]], and [[radical feminism]].

== Quotes ==
=== Classic ''Sinfest'' (2000–2011) ===
==== 2000 ====
* '''The Devil''': You're just jealous cuz I'm more popular than you.&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Talk to the hand.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-02-13 &quot;Devil Puppet 3&quot;] (February 13, 2000)

* '''Slick''': This world you created is a bust! It's a full-on hellhole! What gives?!&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Well, it's a sort of work in progress. It's open to interpretation and functions on multiple levels.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2000-05-28 &quot;Creator 2&quot;] (May 28, 2000)

==== 2001 ====
* '''Seymour''': ''[shouting]'' Praise the Lord! Go to church! Save your soul! Repent now! God is watching!&lt;br&gt;'''The Devil''': ''[to God]'' You need better representation.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2001-02-01 &quot;Better PR&quot;] (February 1, 2001)

==== 2002 ====
* '''Slick''': Christmas … Chanukkah … Kwanzaa, Agnostica, Ramadan, Boxing Day.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': Let's celebrate them all!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2002-12-15 &quot;Holidays&quot;] (December 15, 2002)

==== 2003 ====
* '''Slick''': Existence. I ponder it most ponderously.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': As do I. I am like ''Philosophocles''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2003-07-09 &quot;Pretentious&quot;] (July 9, 2003)

==== 2004 ====
* '''Seymour''': You're in our schools! Our courts! Our ballparks! Our money! You're ''everywhere!''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': I just want to be in your heart.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2004-11-23 &quot;In Your Heart&quot;] (November 23, 2004)

==== 2005 ====
* '''Monique''': Are you Catholic? Protestant? Baptist? Muslim? Hindu? ''What are You?''&lt;br&gt;'''God''': Labels …
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2005-09-25 &quot;Emo God&quot;] (September 25, 2005)

==== 2006 ====
* '''Criminy''': I fortify myself with ''facts''. ''Arm'' myself with information. ''Empower'' myself with ''wisdom'' … then I hide away.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2006-08-23 &quot;Fort&quot;] (August 23, 2006)

==== 2007 ====
* '''Seymour''': God is a ''benevolent'' ruler!&lt;br&gt;'''Lil' Evil''': Don't believe the hype.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2007-05-07 &quot;Protest&quot;] (May 7, 2007)

==== 2008 ====
* '''Monique''': Dear Congress. Hi! How ya doin'? Hope I'm not bothering you. Just wanted to ask a favor. Could you possibly, maybe, if it's not too much trouble … ''represent us???!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2008-10-03 &quot;Dear Congress&quot;] (October 3, 2008)

==== 2009 ====
* '''Monique''': People think I'm a ''demon'' …&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': God thinks I'm a ''monster''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-03-01 &quot;Message in a Bottle 2&quot;] (March 1, 2009)

* '''Slick''': What do you want? Name it and I'll get it for you!&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': World peace.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': You got it! Wait here! ''[On phone]'' Hello? Sinister shadow government responsible for all the wars in human history? ''Stop it!''
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2009-05-13 &quot;Epiphany&quot;] (May 13, 2009)

==== 2010 ====
* '''Fuchsia''': Does it bother you that I'm a devil girl? That I have horns and a tail and shoot fire from my hands and the fact that I'm not normal in any way, shape or form whatsoever?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Only if it bothers ''you''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-06-18 &quot;Does It Bother You?&quot;] (June 18, 2010)

* '''Fuchsia''': Did you really come down here to save me?&lt;br&gt;'''Criminy''': Yes. Well, ''no''. Not to ''save'' you. … Just to ''be'' with you.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-09-28 &quot;Just To Be With You&quot;] (September 28, 2010)

* '''Slick''': Look, I don't know if you sent a million men to hell … but I do know ''for a fact'' that you pulled me out of there.&lt;br&gt;'''Monique''': I did?&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Yeah. ''Twice.'' So it all evens out.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2010-12-17 &quot;Even&quot;] (December 17, 2010)

=== Modern ''Sinfest'' (2011–present) ===
==== 2011 ====
* '''Xanthe''': ''Bare midriff!'' Patriarchally sanctioned fashion trope that encourages the objectification of women!
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-03 &quot;The Sisterhood&quot;] (October 3, 2011)

* '''Slick''': There's nothing wrong with admiring the female form …&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': ''No [[mansplaining]].''&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': &quot;Mansplaining&quot;?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': You are awash in male privilege and ''heteronormative assumptions'' about ''gender performativity''.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': Hetero what?&lt;br&gt;'''Xanthe''': Heteronormative assumptions about gender performativity.&lt;br&gt;'''Slick''': In ''English'', please?
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-05 &quot;The Sisterhood 3&quot;] (October 5, 2011)

* '''Xanthe''': This is the ''patriarchy''. A ''social-interactive construct'' that ''bombards'' us with ''misogyny''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2011-10-09 &quot;The Sisterhood 7&quot;] (October 9, 2011)

==== 2012 ====
* '''Xanthe''': And there will be ''justice''.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2012-04-27 &quot;Going Home&quot;] (April 27, 2012)

==== 2013 ====
* '''Xanthe''': Pornography and prostitution are the main pillars of male supremacy and must be eradicated for the liberation of women everywhere.
** [https://sinfest.xyz/view.php?date=2013-01-25 &quot;Password&quot;] (January 25, 2013)

== Quotes about ''Sinfest'' ==
* The first seven years it was coffee and revenge. That's what kept me going. My attitude was, &quot;I'll show them. I'll show them all!&quot;
** [[Tatsuya Ishida]], as quoted in [https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 &quot;The Wages of Sinfest&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20090615151041/https://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6663678.html?nid=2789&amp;source=link&amp;rid=1907919383 archived]), Laura Hudson, ''Publishers Weekly'' (2009-06-09)

* The webcomics landscape looked incredibly different back then, with what comparatively few comics there were mostly being about video game humor, sporadically updated and crudely drawn. But Tatsuya Ishida's ''Sinfest'' stood out in that he was one of the few web cartoonists who seemed to know art, updated regularly, and didn't do tons of video game jokes that I didn't understand.
** Sean Kleefeld: [http://www.kleefeldoncomics.com/2024/04/on-tatsuya-ishida.html &quot;On Tatsuya Ishida&quot;]. ''Kleefeld on Comics'' (2024-04-08).

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://sinfest.xyz/archive.php?year=2000 ''Sinfest'' archives]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Murder, She Wrote (season 8)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>261112</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607255</id>
      <parentid>3575923</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T21:47:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Bicam3ralMind</username>
        <id>2956799</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Danse Diabolique [8.11] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="10533" sha1="a4vyj6shp2gdkw6z9wdgmarfeszluvx" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Murder, She Wrote (season 1)|1]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 2)|2]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 3)|3]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 4)|4]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 5)|5]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 6)|6]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 7)|7]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 8)|8]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 9)|9]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 10)|10]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 11)|11]] [[Murder, She Wrote (season 12)|12]] | [[Murder, She Wrote|Main]]

'''''[[w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote]]''''' (1984–1996) is an American television show, airing on [[w:CBS|CBS]], about mystery writer and amateur detective [[w:Jessica Fletcher|Jessica Fletcher]]. 

=== ''Bite the Big Apple'' [8.1] ===

=== ''Night Fears'' [8.2] ===

=== ''Unauthorized Obituary'' [8.3] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Beth Dawson''': I don't even like Steve. In fact, I can't imagine why you ever married him.&lt;/div&gt; 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jane Dawson''': It's not that complicated, honey. Steve is tall, he looks great in a tuxedo, and he's terrific in bed.&lt;/div&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jane''': Everybody loves Ellen Lombard. That's why I'll have a dynamite best-seller. When people find out that America's sweetheart is now a lush and a pill addict, they'll be standing in line to buy the book. Why do you think people buy your books? Because somebody gets killed and somebody takes a fall. We're in the same racket. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': My books are fiction, yours are only half fiction. I believe there's a difference.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''Thicker Than Water'' [8.4] ===

=== ''Lines of Excellence'' [8.5] ===

=== ''Judge Not'' [8.6] ===
:'''Detective John Coop Jr.''': You are going to catch a plane and you are going to go home. You've been a great help to my mother. Thank you. But you're no longer needed here. Understood? 
:'''Jessica''': Well, I believe I'll let Melinda tell me if she needs me. And I like to make my own arrangements as to when and where I travel. Is ''that'' understood?

=== ''Terminal Connection'' [8.7] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Ginny Blanchard''': I just can't help feeling that I did something wrong.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': It's ''not'' your fault, Ginny. It's a sickness. It's ''Clark's'' sickness. Your only fault is in allowing it to continue. I'm not going to try and tell you what to do, because I'm not an expert on wife battery and there are people who are trained in these matters, but I'm going to tell you something very plainly. There are only two things you can do: seek professional advice or leave the relationship.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''A Killing in Vegas'' [8.8] ===

=== ''The Committee'' [8.9] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Theo Cayle''': ''[after Jessica accuses him of committing the murders]'' This is nonsense.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': No, Theo. It was you who told Lawrence that Gerald's businesses weren't run well. You who suggested to Gerald and others that Lawrence was having some problems of his own. You who lured your brother into the room with Edward's wife. All so you could have him brought up before the Committee. And when that happened, he was as good as dead.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Theo''': But I was nowhere near the club when Lawrence was killed. Everyone saw me driving away. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': No, they saw your car leave driven by Lisa. I remembered when she arrived at the party last night her shoes were soaking wet from the rain. But everyone entering or leaving was carefully kept dry by the valets. The only way her shoes could have gotten wet would be if she was dropped off near the club and walked the rest of the way. Later, she got in your car, leaving everyone to assume that you had gone home. I realized that someone else had been driving your car when you had to push the seat back. It had been adjusted to accommodate Lisa. You then waited for Lawrence, and when he arrived that night, you killed him.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lt. Howard Tartarus''': We checked the cab company. And they have a record of picking up someone matching your description three blocks from here less than an hour after the murder. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': You wanted control of his estate. Two billion dollars. You resented his success, resented being shoved into the background. Cleaning up his mess. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lt. Tartarus''': As for Harcourt, Jessica told me he came to your house to offer condolences. He probably brought the marble along to prove he voted innocent. So you killed him to eliminate the evidence that the vote had been tampered with by severing the brake line of his sports car.&lt;/div&gt; 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lisa Sutton''': Harcourt, too? But you didn't tell me. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Theo''': Be quiet. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lisa''': I swear, I didn't know what he was gonna do. He just gave me $10,000 to switch the vote and drive his car home. He said it was a gag, that's all. And then when Lawrence was killed, he threatened me. He said that we'd both be up for murder. But I didn't know. I swear it. I didn't know.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''The List of Yuri Lermentov'' [8.10] ===

=== ''Danse Diabolique'' [8.11] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': It must be very difficult for you, having your husband replace you. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Claudia Cameron''': No one lasts forever. Not in ballet. It takes a terrible toll. Youth is everything. Ballet loves the young.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': You know, Claudia, I wasn't exactly a teenager when I started writing. Try not to accept defeat so easily. I mean, you must have other options.&lt;/div&gt; 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Claudia''': But I don't know how to do anything else but dance. And apparently, I'm too old for that. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': Listen, maturity and experience are benefits. They're not disadvantages. Your talent, your dedication, are priceless resources. You have so much to give, you know.&lt;/div&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Edward Hale''': ''[after Jessica exposes him as the murderer]'' This show was my last chance! If word got out that I was on pills again, I'd be finished! &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lt. Martin Kinicki''': And nobody knew, except Lily. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Edward Hale''': She started pushing me to get Claudia's role. And I did it! And then, when I saw her with Geoffrey, I figured she was going to dump me just like she dumped Barry. I couldn't let that happen. I just wanted one thing in my life to go right.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''The Witch's Curse'' [8.12] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Eve Simpson''': I could do a Blanche DuBois that'll curl your hair. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Dr. Seth Hazlitt''': Of that, I have every confidence.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''Incident in Lot 7'' [8.13] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Willy Montego''': ''[after Jessica exposes him as the murderer]'' I stuck with him through all the years he couldn't get a job, putting off my own retirement, waiting for the big break. And when it came, he was ready to throw me away. Why should he pay me, or any agent, ten percent of what he had coming when he can hire a lawyer to do the paperwork for a fraction of that amount? A man pays his dues and sticks with a client through good days and bad, he deserves more than a kick in the pants. It wasn't fair, Mrs. Fletcher. Damn it, it just wasn't fair. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': No. No, Willy, it wasn't. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Willy Montego''': Ever since it happened, I can't eat, can't sleep, waiting for a knock on the door, terrified of being caught, frightened by every sound. I can't live that way. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': You don't have to, Willy. Not anymore. It's over.

=== ''The Monte Carlo Murders'' [8.14] ===

=== ''Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Thief'' [8.15] ===

=== ''Ever After'' [8.16] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Joanna Rollins''': Oh, I don't know, Jessica, sometimes I feel like giving the whole thing up. Everybody thinks I live such a glamorous life, but I don't. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': Well, you'd have a lot of trouble convincing your fans of that.&lt;/div&gt; 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Joanna Rollins''': It's just too much responsibility. Unless I scream at the writers, I get horrible scripts. All the producers want to do is cut the budget. And I even have to fight with the studio executives, who look and act like they're 12.12 years old. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jessica''': Well, it's taken me a long time to find the real secret. But, you know, I've decided that success is really within yourself. Not out there in the world.&lt;/div&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Joanna Rollins''': ''[after Jessica exposes her and her co-conspirator as the murderers]'' This whole sick plan was his idea! He said he'd be a decoy so no one would suspect me! Really! He's mentally deranged! He's violently ill! Oh, I've taken the abuse. I've taken it day after day and month after month. But he said to me, said if I didn't cooperate, he'd kill me! And I knew he would; I did! I knew he would! I knew it. &lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Sonny Lane''': Bravo, darling. How about trying it again? Only this time, with conviction.&lt;/div&gt;

=== ''To the Last Will I Grapple with Thee'' [8.17] ===

=== ''Programmed for Murder'' [8.18] ===

=== ''Day of the Dead'' [8.19] ===

=== ''Angel of Death'' [8.20] ===

=== ''Badge of Honor'' [8.21] ===

=== ''Murder on Madison Avenue'' [8.22] ===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Sylvia Moffett''': ''[after Jessica exposes her as the murderer]'' Mr. Greenstreet thinks I did it for him. But I did it for myself. Boss Lady had teeth and claws, and I didn't. She worked nights and made keys to all the offices. She copied people's ideas and claimed them as her own. She made love to the men who could help her. And when she couldn't use them anymore, she fired them. The day she became more powerful than you could handle, Mr. Greenstreet, that's the day you came to me, and I became your mole. I've got to thank you. It's the only thing that made it bearable over the years. That, and knowing that someday, I'd have my own kind of revenge.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Edgar Greenstreet''': Moffett, I ... I don't know what to say.&lt;/div&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Sylvia Moffett''': Then stop calling me Moffett. My name is Sylvia.&lt;/div&gt;

[[Category:Murder, She Wrote]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Sandi74645/sandbox</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>261271</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607050</id>
      <parentid>3606707</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:21:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Sandi74645</username>
        <id>3160827</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* H */</comment>
      <origin>3607050</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16443" sha1="cu2b9n8250vw4f3ikgphph6h29uhn0l" xml:space="preserve">'''&lt;big&gt;Current Programming&lt;/big&gt;'''
* ''Snake City'' (2014–Present) 
* ''Wildlife ER'' (2023-Present) 
* ''Animal Genius'' (2024-Present)
* ''Operation Pet Recuse (2023-Present)
* ''Dr. Oakley, Yukon Vet'' (2014–Present)
* ''Rocky Rapids Vet 9-1-1'' (2024-Present)
* ''Snakes SOS: Goa's Wildest (2024-Present)
* ''Critter Fixers: Country Vets'' (2020–Present)
* ''Secrets of The Zoo: Down Under (2020-Present)
* ''Cesar Millan: Better Human Better Dog'' (2021–Present)


'''&lt;big&gt;Former Programming&lt;/big&gt;''' 
===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}                                
* ''A Penguin's Life         ✓ 
* ''Africa's Hunters       ✓  
* ''Africa's Wild West        ✓
* ''Africa's Wild Coast  
* ''Amazon Underworld   ✓
* ''America's Wild Frontier           
* ''Alaska's Grizzly Gauntlet ✓ 
* ''America the Wild (Tv Series) 2012–2016
* ''Anima Fight Night (Tv Series) 2013-2015
* ''Animals Gone Wild (Tv Series) 2014-2017
* ''America The Beautiful: Mighty North West                 ✓
* ''Alaska: Animal Rescue (Tv Series) 2020-2022
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Brazil''
* ''Boss Croc'' 
* ''Born In Africa''  ✓
* ''Baboon Queen'' 
* ''Birth of A Pride'' ✓
* ''Bite, Sting, Kill'' 
* ''Blue-Collar Dogs'' 
* ''Big Baboon House'' (look up)
* ''Behind Russia's Frozen Curtain'' (Daily Motions) 
* ''Bandit Patrol (Tv Series) 2015-2017'' 
* ''Built for the Kill'' (Tv Series) (2001–2004)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Cobra Mafia'' *daily motion*
* ''Cat Attack-tics'' ✓
* ''Croc Labyrinth'' 
* ''China's Wild Side
* ''Clash of The Tigers (abc.com)
* ''Cat Wars: Lions Vs Cheetah (look up again)     
* ''Caribbean's Deadly Underworld'' 
* ''Caught in the Act (Tv Series) 2013-2022
* ''Crikey! It's the Irwins'' (Tv Series) 2018–2022
* ''Cesar Millan's Leader of the Pack'' (Tv Show) 2013-2013
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}   
* ''Dino Fish (look up again)
* ''Deadly Game                                                                     
* ''Dead By Dawn'' ✓
* ''Deadly Instincts'' 
* ''Deep Sea Killers'' ✓
* ''Dogtown'' (Tv Series) 2008–2010 
* ''Destination Wild'' (Tv Series) 2006-2009
* ''Dr.Dee: Alaska Vett'' (Tv Series) 2015-2016
* ''Dr. K's Exotic Animal ER'' (Tv Series) 2014-2023
* ''Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet (Tv Series) 2015-2022
* ''Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan'' (Tv Series) 2004-2016
* ''Dangerous Encounters with Brady Barr'' (Tv Series) 2005–2012
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Extraordinary Birder with Christian Cooper ✓
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Future Cat ✓
* ''Florida Untamed ✓
* ''Fur Seals: Battle For Survival ✓
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Game of Lions ✓
* ''Grizzly Cauldron ✓  
* ''Gangster Jackals
* ''Great Barrier Reef (look up)
* ''Giraffe: African Giant (no English)
* ''Galapagos: Enchanted Islands ✓ 
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hippo Vs Croc ✓ 
* ''Hunt for The Giant Squid ✓ 
* ''Heartland Docs, DVM'' (Tv Series) 2020-2023
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Into The Okavango ✓ 
* ''India's Wild Leopards ✓ 
* ''Incredible Animal Journeys ✓
{{Col-end}}

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Jaguar vs Croc ✓
* ''Jade Eyed Leopard ✓
* ''Jaguar Beach Battle ✓
{{Col-end}}

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Kiler Queen ✓
* ''Kingdom of The White Wolf ✓
* ''Kingdom Of The Polar Bears ✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant ✓
* ''Little Killers
* ''Lemur Island 
* ''Lion Dynasty ✓
* ''Lion Ganglands ✓
* ''Lion Battle Zone ✓
* ''Leopard Kingdom ✓
* ''Leopard Huntress ✓
* ''Land of 10,000 Grizzlies 
* ''Leopard: Ultimate Survivor (Look up)
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Man Vs Lion ✓
* ''Monster Snakes
* ''Man vs Monster
* ''Mexico Untamed ✓
* ''Man vs Cheetah ✓
* ''Man, Woman, Dog
* ''Mystery of the giant Cave Spider (saved/non english)
* ''Monster Croc Wrangler (Tv Series) 2021-2023
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Night on Earth (flixhq)
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Otter Town (Saved &quot;No English&quot;)
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Penguinpalooza
* ''Paradise Islands ✓
* ''Praire Dog Manor ✓
* ''Planet of the Birds ✓
* ''Predator In Paradise 
* ''Peru's Wild Kingdom (saved)
* ''Puma!: Elusive Hunter of the Andes (look up again)
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Rebal Monkeys
* ''Real Angry Birds
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Super Cat ✓
* ''South Africa (look up)?
* ''Super Squirrel
* ''Surpet's Surprise ✓
* ''Strangest Bird Alive  
* ''Secret Life of Pearls  
* ''Secret Life of Tigers
* ''Secrets of the King Cobra ✓
* ''Saving Giraffes: The Long Journey Home ✓
* ''Secrets of The Zoo (Tv Series) 2020-2022
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''The Nile 
* ''Tiger Wars ✓
* ''The Jungle King 
* ''The Kangaroo King (saved?/ Disney+)
* ''The Forbidden River
* ''The Unlikely Leopard 
* ''The Way of the Cheetah ✓
* ''The Great Elephant Walk
* ''The Wizard Of Paws'' (Tv Series) 2019-2023 
* ''The Incredible Dr. Pol'' (Tv Series) 2011–2024
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Untamed Americas
* ''Ultimate Honey Badger (saved)
* ''Unlikely Animal Friends (TV Series) 2012-2016
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Wild 24 (saved) 
* ''Wild Egypt 
* ''Wild Chile ✓
* ''Wild Korea ✓
* ''Wild Hawaii ✓
* ''Wild Russia ✓
* ''Wild Nordic ✓
* ''Wild Borneo
* ''Wild Vietnam (look up) (National Geographic.com)
* ''Wild Monsoon (ihavenotv.com
* ''Wild Thailand 
* ''War Elephants 
* ''Wild Indonesia ✓
* ''Wild Sir Lanka ✓
* ''Wild Argentina (pluto tv?), (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Wild Mississippi (has episodes)
* ''War of The Lions 
* ''Wild Yellowstone ✓
* ''Wild New Zealand 
* ''Whales of the Deep
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===Numbers===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''20 years with Dolphins''
{{Col-end}}

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'''National Geographic Animal Programming'''

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''A Real Bug's Life ✓
* ''America's National Parks ✓
* ''America The Wild (Tv Series) 2010-2014
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Ceaser Millian: The Dog Whisper (Tv Series) 2004-2012
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Born in Africa (Dinsey+)
* ''Battle For Elephants
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Expedition Great White (paramount+)
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dead By Dawn'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Great Migration's'' ✓
* ''Gabon:The Last Eden
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hostile Planet ✓
* ''Hidden Kingdoms of China (Dinsey+)
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant ✓
* ''Incredible Animal Journeys ✓
{{Col-end}}

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Kingdom of The Polar Bear (dinsey +)
* ''Kingdom of The White Wolf✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant✓
* ''Last of The Giants: Wild Fish'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Path of The Panther''✓
{{Col-end}}

===Q===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Queens'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Savage Kingdom ✓
* ''Secrets of The Whales ✓ 
* ''Secrets of The Octopus ✓ 
* ''Secrets of The Elephants ✓
* ''Shark Movers Deadly Cargo ✓
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Flood ✓
* ''The Kangaroo King ✓
* ''The Secrets of The Octopus ✓
* ''The Hidden Kingdoms of China ✓
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Untamed Americas''
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wildlife: The Big Freeze
* ''Wildlife: Resurrection Island
* ''Wolves: A Legend Return to Yellowstone
{{Col-end}}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'''BBC America/BBC Earth Programming'''
===A===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Asia 
* ''Africa (Flix Hq?)
* ''Africa's Wild Year (Flix HQ?, Amc+)
* ''Attenborough's Wonder of Eggs
* ''Attenborough and the Giant Elephant ✓
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Big Cats (FlixHQ?)
* ''Blue Planet ✓
* ''Blue Planet II ✓
* ''Big Cats 24/7 (flix HQ)
* ''Big Bear Diary
* ''Big Little Journeys
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dynasties (flixHQ?) *David Attenborough* 
* ''Deep Blue (FlixhQ/)
* ''Dynasties II (Daily Motion?)
* ''Dogs In The Wild: Meet The Family (ihavenotv.com)
* ''David Attenborough: A Life on our Planet ✓
* ''Deep Ocean: The Lost World Of The Pacific (Saved)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''China: Nature Ancient Kingdom (flixhq)
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Earth Flight (ihavenotv?)
* ''Expedition Wolf (check)
* ''Enchanted Kingdom 
* ''Earth's Great River's
* ''Earth's Great Seasons
* ''Earth's Great River's II
* ''Earth's Great Seasons
* ''Earth Tropical Islands (ihavenotv?)
* ''Eden: Untamed Planet (flixhq) Or (ihavenotv)
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Frozen Planet (Flix HQ?)
* ''Frozen Planet II (Flix HQ?
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Galapagos (flixhq)
* ''Great Barrier Reef (flixhq)
* ''Gorilla Family and Me
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hostile Planet ✓
* ''Hidden Habitats

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Japan: Earth's Enchanted Islands 
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Life ✓
* ''Life Story (flixhq)
* ''Life In Color ✓
* ''Little Big Cat
* ''London's Wild Side 
* ''Lands Of The Monsoon
* ''Lions: Spy In The Den
* ''Life In The Undergrowth 
* ''Lost land of The Tiger (ihavenotv.com)
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Mammals (flix hq?)
* ''Madagascar (David Attenborugh) 
{{Col-end}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Nature's Great Events (Flix HQ)?
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''One Life 
* ''Our Planet (flixq?) (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Ocean Giants (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Our Planet II ✓
* ''Our Living World (Netlix)
* ''Operation Snow Tiger
* ''Operation Dung Beetle
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Planet Earth ✓
* ''Planet Earth II ✓
* ''Planet Earth III (flixhq)
* ''Planet Earth: Africa
* ''Planet Earth: Dynasties 
* ''Polar Bear: Spy On The Ice 
* ''Planet Earth: Blue Planet II (flixhq?)
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Reindeer Family and Me 
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Serengeti ✓
* ''Serengeti II
* ''Serengeti III
* ''South Pacific
* ''Spy In The Den
* ''Spy In The Wild ✓
* ''Snow Chick: A Penguin's Tale
* ''South Pacific (has episodes) *flix hq?* 
* ''Seven Worlds, One Planet *flix hq*
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Hunt ✓
* ''Tiny Giants
* ''The Wild Place 
* ''Trails of Life (roku)
* ''The Wild Sides (has episodes) *AMC+*
* ''The Blue Planet *flix hq*
* ''Tropical Islands (ihavenotv.com? check)
* ''The Mating Game (ihavenotv.com)
* ''The Cheetah Family &amp; Me 
* ''The Great Bear Steak Out
* ''The Polar Bear Family &amp; Me
* ''The Great Rift: Africa's Wild Hart
* ''Tiger Spy In The Jungle (David Attenbourgh) *topdocumentarys.com*
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wild West
* ''Wild Japan (look up)
* ''Wild Alaska
* ''Wild Isles (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Wild Tokyo (amc+)
* ''Wild Arabia ✓
* ''Wild Brazil
* ''Wild Singapore 
* ''Wild Indonesia
* ''Wild Patagonia
* ''Wild Caribbean (pluto tv?)
* ''Wild New Zealand 
* ''Walk on The Wild Side ?
* ''Wild Lands: South Africa ?
{{Col-end}}

===Y===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Yellowstone (0123movies.la)
{{Col-end}}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'''Animal Planet Current Programing'''
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Puppy Bowl (Tv Series) 2005-Present 
* ''Pets and Pickers (Tv Series) 2022-Present
* ''Yellowstone Wardens (Tv Series) 2023-Present
* ''Wardens Of The North (Tv Series) 2023-Presnet
{{Col-end}}

'''Animal Planet Former Programing'''

===A===  
{{Col-begin}}
* ''A Panda is Born
* ''A Panda's Story
* ''Animal Battlegrounds ✓
* ''Animal X (Tv Series) 1997–2002
* ''Animal Miracles (Tv Series) 2001–2003
* ''Animal Precinct (Tv Series) 2001–2008
* ''Animal Cops: Detroit (Tv Series) 2003–2010
* ''Animal Cops: Houston (Tv Series) 2003–2015
* ''Animal Cops: Phoenix (Tv Series) 2007–2009
* ''Animal Planet Zooventure (Tv Series) 1997–2000
* ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster (Tv Series) 2004–2009
{{Col-end}}

===B===     
{{Col-2}}
{{Col-begin}}
* '' Big Cat Tales ✓
* '' Big, Small &amp; Deadly
* '' Big Cats: Secret Lives
* '' Britain's Wildest Places ✓
* '' Battle Ground: Rhino Wars 
* '' Bad Dog (Tv Series) 2011-2016
* '' Big Cat Dairy (Tv Series) 1996-2005
* '' Breed All About It (Tv Series) 1997-2001
* '' Big Cat Tales: More From The Mara Region
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Cats 101 (Tv Series) 2008-2012
* ''Croc Files (Tv Series) 1999-2005
* ''Call Of The Wild Man (Tv Series) 2011-2014
* ''Crickey It's The Irwin's (Tv Show) 2018-2022
* ''Confessions: Animal Hording (Tv Series) 2010-2014
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dolphin Days ✓
* ''Dogs: The Untold Story
* ''Dark Days In Monkey City
* ''Dogs 101 (Tv Series) 2008-2011
* ''Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet (Tv Series) 2015-2022
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Escape To Chimp Eden 
* ''Emergency Vets (Tv Series) 1998-2008
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Fooled by Nature (Tv Series) 2007-2010
* ''Fatal Attractions (Tv Series) 2010-2012
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Going Ape ✓
* ''Gorilla School ✓
* ''Gator Boys (Tv Series) 2012-2017
* ''Gorillas on the Brink: Saving a Species
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Into The Pride 
* ''Into The Lions Den
* ''I Was Prey (Tv Series) 2017-2019
* ''It's Me or The Dog (Tv Series) 2007-2012
{{Col-end}}

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Jane Goodall's When Animals Talk

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Killer Whales: The Mega Hunt ✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giants ✓
* ''Lemur Kingdom
* ''League of Monkey's
* ''Living With Man-Eaters ✓
* ''Lone Star Law (Tv Series) 2016-2022 
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Man vs Bear
* ''Mounted Branch ✓
* ''Man-Eating Super Croc
* ''Man-Eating Super Squid
* ''Mysterious Wild Of India 
* ''Meerkat Manor (Tv Series) 2005-2008 
* ''My Cat From Hell (Tv Series) 2011-2020
* ''Monsters Inside Me (Tv Series) 2009-2017
* ''Mysterious Creatures With Forrest Galante ✓
* ''Meet the Pandas: Washington's New Power Couple
{{Col-end}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Night (Discovery+)
* ''North Woods Laws (Tv Series) 2012-2021
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Otter Dynasty ✓
* ''Orangutan Island
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Project Grizzly ✓
* ''Pandamonium ✓
* ''Panda Republic ✓
* ''Pet Star (Tv Series) 2002-2005
* ''Pit Boss (Tv Series) 2010-2013
* ''Pitbulls &amp; Parolees (Tv Series) 2009-2022
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Rise of The Warrior Apes
* ''Romeo &amp; Juliet: A Monkey's Tale
* ''River Monsters (Tv Series) 2009-2017
* ''Rattle Snake Republic (Tv Series) 2012-2014
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Season of The Grizzly
* ''Saving Grace: The Otter ✓
* ''Safari: An Extraordinary Adventure
* ''Swamp Wars (Tv Series) 2011-2013
* ''Saving The Gorillas: Ellen's Next Adventure ✓
* ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster (Tv Series) 2004−2009
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Nile
* ''The Pack ✓
* ''Tucan Nation
* ''The Real Lion Queen (saved)
* ''The Beauty of Snakes 
* ''The Great Shark Chase 
* ''Tanked (Tv Series) 2011-2018
* ''The Zoo (Tv Series) 2017-2021
* ''Too Cute (Tv Series) 2011-2017
* ''The Vet Life (Tv Series) 2016-2020
* ''The Aquarium (Tv Series) 2020-2021
* ''The Most Extreme (Tv Series) 2002-2006
* ''The Zoo: San Deigo (Tv Series) 2019-2022
* ''The Crocodile Hunter (Tv Series) 1997-2004
* ''The Magic Of The Big Blue: Seven Continents (ihavenotv.com)
* ''The Secret Life Of The Zoo (Tv Series) 2016-2020
* ''The Jeff Corwin Experience (Tv Series) 2001-2003
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Untamed &amp; Uncut (Tv Series) 2008-2010
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wild Deep
* ''Wild Chile (ihavenotv)?
* ''Wild Costa Rica
* ''Wild New Zealand
* ''Walking With Elephants ✓
* ''Wild Africa: Rivers Of Life 
* ''Whale Wars (Tv Series) 2008-2015
* ''Weird, True &amp; Freaky (Tv Series) 2008-2012
{{Col-end}}

===Y===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Yellowstone Journals
{{Col-end}}

===Z===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Zolton: The Wolfman ✓
{{Col-end}}

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________</text>
      <sha1>cu2b9n8250vw4f3ikgphph6h29uhn0l</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607258</id>
      <parentid>3607050</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T21:57:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Sandi74645</username>
        <id>3160827</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Y */</comment>
      <origin>3607258</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16439" sha1="qy8t6igyn8vqnfssio0bcthgzr5l2mj" xml:space="preserve">'''&lt;big&gt;Current Programming&lt;/big&gt;'''
* ''Snake City'' (2014–Present) 
* ''Wildlife ER'' (2023-Present) 
* ''Animal Genius'' (2024-Present)
* ''Operation Pet Recuse (2023-Present)
* ''Dr. Oakley, Yukon Vet'' (2014–Present)
* ''Rocky Rapids Vet 9-1-1'' (2024-Present)
* ''Snakes SOS: Goa's Wildest (2024-Present)
* ''Critter Fixers: Country Vets'' (2020–Present)
* ''Secrets of The Zoo: Down Under (2020-Present)
* ''Cesar Millan: Better Human Better Dog'' (2021–Present)


'''&lt;big&gt;Former Programming&lt;/big&gt;''' 
===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}                                
* ''A Penguin's Life         ✓ 
* ''Africa's Hunters       ✓  
* ''Africa's Wild West        ✓
* ''Africa's Wild Coast  
* ''Amazon Underworld   ✓
* ''America's Wild Frontier           
* ''Alaska's Grizzly Gauntlet ✓ 
* ''America the Wild (Tv Series) 2012–2016
* ''Anima Fight Night (Tv Series) 2013-2015
* ''Animals Gone Wild (Tv Series) 2014-2017
* ''America The Beautiful: Mighty North West                 ✓
* ''Alaska: Animal Rescue (Tv Series) 2020-2022
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Brazil''
* ''Boss Croc'' 
* ''Born In Africa''  ✓
* ''Baboon Queen'' 
* ''Birth of A Pride'' ✓
* ''Bite, Sting, Kill'' 
* ''Blue-Collar Dogs'' 
* ''Big Baboon House'' (look up)
* ''Behind Russia's Frozen Curtain'' (Daily Motions) 
* ''Bandit Patrol (Tv Series) 2015-2017'' 
* ''Built for the Kill'' (Tv Series) (2001–2004)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Cobra Mafia'' *daily motion*
* ''Cat Attack-tics'' ✓
* ''Croc Labyrinth'' 
* ''China's Wild Side
* ''Clash of The Tigers (abc.com)
* ''Cat Wars: Lions Vs Cheetah (look up again)     
* ''Caribbean's Deadly Underworld'' 
* ''Caught in the Act (Tv Series) 2013-2022
* ''Crikey! It's the Irwins'' (Tv Series) 2018–2022
* ''Cesar Millan's Leader of the Pack'' (Tv Show) 2013-2013
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}   
* ''Dino Fish (look up again)
* ''Deadly Game                                                                     
* ''Dead By Dawn'' ✓
* ''Deadly Instincts'' 
* ''Deep Sea Killers'' ✓
* ''Dogtown'' (Tv Series) 2008–2010 
* ''Destination Wild'' (Tv Series) 2006-2009
* ''Dr.Dee: Alaska Vett'' (Tv Series) 2015-2016
* ''Dr. K's Exotic Animal ER'' (Tv Series) 2014-2023
* ''Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet (Tv Series) 2015-2022
* ''Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan'' (Tv Series) 2004-2016
* ''Dangerous Encounters with Brady Barr'' (Tv Series) 2005–2012
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Extraordinary Birder with Christian Cooper ✓
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Future Cat ✓
* ''Florida Untamed ✓
* ''Fur Seals: Battle For Survival ✓
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Game of Lions ✓
* ''Grizzly Cauldron ✓  
* ''Gangster Jackals
* ''Great Barrier Reef (look up)
* ''Giraffe: African Giant (no English)
* ''Galapagos: Enchanted Islands ✓ 
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hippo Vs Croc ✓ 
* ''Hunt for The Giant Squid ✓ 
* ''Heartland Docs, DVM'' (Tv Series) 2020-2023
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Into The Okavango ✓ 
* ''India's Wild Leopards ✓ 
* ''Incredible Animal Journeys ✓
{{Col-end}}

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Jaguar vs Croc ✓
* ''Jade Eyed Leopard ✓
* ''Jaguar Beach Battle ✓
{{Col-end}}

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Kiler Queen ✓
* ''Kingdom of The White Wolf ✓
* ''Kingdom Of The Polar Bears ✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant ✓
* ''Little Killers
* ''Lemur Island 
* ''Lion Dynasty ✓
* ''Lion Ganglands ✓
* ''Lion Battle Zone ✓
* ''Leopard Kingdom ✓
* ''Leopard Huntress ✓
* ''Land of 10,000 Grizzlies 
* ''Leopard: Ultimate Survivor (Look up)
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Man Vs Lion ✓
* ''Monster Snakes
* ''Man vs Monster
* ''Mexico Untamed ✓
* ''Man vs Cheetah ✓
* ''Man, Woman, Dog
* ''Mystery of the giant Cave Spider (saved/non english)
* ''Monster Croc Wrangler (Tv Series) 2021-2023
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Night on Earth (flixhq)
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Otter Town (Saved &quot;No English&quot;)
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Penguinpalooza
* ''Paradise Islands ✓
* ''Praire Dog Manor ✓
* ''Planet of the Birds ✓
* ''Predator In Paradise 
* ''Peru's Wild Kingdom (saved)
* ''Puma!: Elusive Hunter of the Andes (look up again)
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Rebal Monkeys
* ''Real Angry Birds
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Super Cat ✓
* ''South Africa (look up)?
* ''Super Squirrel
* ''Surpet's Surprise ✓
* ''Strangest Bird Alive  
* ''Secret Life of Pearls  
* ''Secret Life of Tigers
* ''Secrets of the King Cobra ✓
* ''Saving Giraffes: The Long Journey Home ✓
* ''Secrets of The Zoo (Tv Series) 2020-2022
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''The Nile 
* ''Tiger Wars ✓
* ''The Jungle King 
* ''The Kangaroo King (saved?/ Disney+)
* ''The Forbidden River
* ''The Unlikely Leopard 
* ''The Way of the Cheetah ✓
* ''The Great Elephant Walk
* ''The Wizard Of Paws'' (Tv Series) 2019-2023 
* ''The Incredible Dr. Pol'' (Tv Series) 2011–2024
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Untamed Americas
* ''Ultimate Honey Badger (saved)
* ''Unlikely Animal Friends (TV Series) 2012-2016
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''Wild 24 (saved) 
* ''Wild Egypt 
* ''Wild Chile ✓
* ''Wild Korea ✓
* ''Wild Hawaii ✓
* ''Wild Russia ✓
* ''Wild Nordic ✓
* ''Wild Borneo
* ''Wild Vietnam (look up) (National Geographic.com)
* ''Wild Monsoon (ihavenotv.com
* ''Wild Thailand 
* ''War Elephants 
* ''Wild Indonesia ✓
* ''Wild Sir Lanka ✓
* ''Wild Argentina (pluto tv?), (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Wild Mississippi (has episodes)
* ''War of The Lions 
* ''Wild Yellowstone ✓
* ''Wild New Zealand 
* ''Whales of the Deep
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}

===Numbers===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''20 years with Dolphins''
{{Col-end}}

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'''National Geographic Animal Programming'''

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''A Real Bug's Life ✓
* ''America's National Parks ✓
* ''America The Wild (Tv Series) 2010-2014
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Ceaser Millian: The Dog Whisper (Tv Series) 2004-2012
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Born in Africa (Dinsey+)
* ''Battle For Elephants
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Expedition Great White (paramount+)
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dead By Dawn'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Great Migration's'' ✓
* ''Gabon:The Last Eden
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hostile Planet ✓
* ''Hidden Kingdoms of China (Dinsey+)
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant ✓
* ''Incredible Animal Journeys ✓
{{Col-end}}

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Kingdom of The Polar Bear (dinsey +)
* ''Kingdom of The White Wolf✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giant✓
* ''Last of The Giants: Wild Fish'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Path of The Panther''✓
{{Col-end}}

===Q===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Queens'' ✓
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Savage Kingdom ✓
* ''Secrets of The Whales ✓ 
* ''Secrets of The Octopus ✓ 
* ''Secrets of The Elephants ✓
* ''Shark Movers Deadly Cargo ✓
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Flood ✓
* ''The Kangaroo King ✓
* ''The Secrets of The Octopus ✓
* ''The Hidden Kingdoms of China ✓
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Untamed Americas''
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wildlife: The Big Freeze
* ''Wildlife: Resurrection Island
* ''Wolves: A Legend Return to Yellowstone
{{Col-end}}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'''BBC America/BBC Earth Programming'''
===A===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Asia 
* ''Africa (Flix Hq?)
* ''Africa's Wild Year (Flix HQ?, Amc+)
* ''Attenborough's Wonder of Eggs
* ''Attenborough and the Giant Elephant ✓
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Big Cats (FlixHQ?)
* ''Blue Planet ✓
* ''Blue Planet II ✓
* ''Big Cats 24/7 (flix HQ)
* ''Big Bear Diary
* ''Big Little Journeys
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dynasties (flixHQ?) *David Attenborough* 
* ''Deep Blue (FlixhQ/)
* ''Dynasties II (Daily Motion?)
* ''Dogs In The Wild: Meet The Family (ihavenotv.com)
* ''David Attenborough: A Life on our Planet ✓
* ''Deep Ocean: The Lost World Of The Pacific (Saved)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''China: Nature Ancient Kingdom (flixhq)
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Earth Flight (ihavenotv?)
* ''Expedition Wolf (check)
* ''Enchanted Kingdom 
* ''Earth's Great River's
* ''Earth's Great Seasons
* ''Earth's Great River's II
* ''Earth's Great Seasons
* ''Earth Tropical Islands (ihavenotv?)
* ''Eden: Untamed Planet (flixhq) Or (ihavenotv)
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Frozen Planet (Flix HQ?)
* ''Frozen Planet II (Flix HQ?
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Galapagos (flixhq)
* ''Great Barrier Reef (flixhq)
* ''Gorilla Family and Me
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Hostile Planet ✓
* ''Hidden Habitats

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Japan: Earth's Enchanted Islands 
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Life ✓
* ''Life Story (flixhq)
* ''Life In Color ✓
* ''Little Big Cat
* ''London's Wild Side 
* ''Lands Of The Monsoon
* ''Lions: Spy In The Den
* ''Life In The Undergrowth 
* ''Lost land of The Tiger (ihavenotv.com)
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Mammals (flix hq?)
* ''Madagascar (David Attenborugh) 
{{Col-end}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Nature's Great Events (Flix HQ)?
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''One Life 
* ''Our Planet (flixq?) (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Ocean Giants (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Our Planet II ✓
* ''Our Living World (Netlix)
* ''Operation Snow Tiger
* ''Operation Dung Beetle
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Planet Earth ✓
* ''Planet Earth II ✓
* ''Planet Earth III (flixhq)
* ''Planet Earth: Africa
* ''Planet Earth: Dynasties 
* ''Polar Bear: Spy On The Ice 
* ''Planet Earth: Blue Planet II (flixhq?)
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Reindeer Family and Me 
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Serengeti ✓
* ''Serengeti II
* ''Serengeti III
* ''South Pacific
* ''Spy In The Den
* ''Spy In The Wild ✓
* ''Snow Chick: A Penguin's Tale
* ''South Pacific (has episodes) *flix hq?* 
* ''Seven Worlds, One Planet *flix hq*
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Hunt ✓
* ''Tiny Giants
* ''The Wild Place 
* ''Trails of Life (roku)
* ''The Wild Sides (has episodes) *AMC+*
* ''The Blue Planet *flix hq*
* ''Tropical Islands (ihavenotv.com? check)
* ''The Mating Game (ihavenotv.com)
* ''The Cheetah Family &amp; Me 
* ''The Great Bear Steak Out
* ''The Polar Bear Family &amp; Me
* ''The Great Rift: Africa's Wild Hart
* ''Tiger Spy In The Jungle (David Attenbourgh) *topdocumentarys.com*
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wild West
* ''Wild Japan (look up)
* ''Wild Alaska
* ''Wild Isles (ihavenotv.com)
* ''Wild Tokyo (amc+)
* ''Wild Arabia ✓
* ''Wild Brazil
* ''Wild Singapore 
* ''Wild Indonesia
* ''Wild Patagonia
* ''Wild Caribbean (pluto tv?)
* ''Wild New Zealand 
* ''Walk on The Wild Side ?
* ''Wild Lands: South Africa ?
{{Col-end}}

===Y===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Yellowstone (flixhq.to)
{{Col-end}}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'''Animal Planet Current Programing'''
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}} 
* ''Puppy Bowl (Tv Series) 2005-Present 
* ''Pets and Pickers (Tv Series) 2022-Present
* ''Yellowstone Wardens (Tv Series) 2023-Present
* ''Wardens Of The North (Tv Series) 2023-Presnet
{{Col-end}}

'''Animal Planet Former Programing'''

===A===  
{{Col-begin}}
* ''A Panda is Born
* ''A Panda's Story
* ''Animal Battlegrounds ✓
* ''Animal X (Tv Series) 1997–2002
* ''Animal Miracles (Tv Series) 2001–2003
* ''Animal Precinct (Tv Series) 2001–2008
* ''Animal Cops: Detroit (Tv Series) 2003–2010
* ''Animal Cops: Houston (Tv Series) 2003–2015
* ''Animal Cops: Phoenix (Tv Series) 2007–2009
* ''Animal Planet Zooventure (Tv Series) 1997–2000
* ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster (Tv Series) 2004–2009
{{Col-end}}

===B===     
{{Col-2}}
{{Col-begin}}
* '' Big Cat Tales ✓
* '' Big, Small &amp; Deadly
* '' Big Cats: Secret Lives
* '' Britain's Wildest Places ✓
* '' Battle Ground: Rhino Wars 
* '' Bad Dog (Tv Series) 2011-2016
* '' Big Cat Dairy (Tv Series) 1996-2005
* '' Breed All About It (Tv Series) 1997-2001
* '' Big Cat Tales: More From The Mara Region
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Cats 101 (Tv Series) 2008-2012
* ''Croc Files (Tv Series) 1999-2005
* ''Call Of The Wild Man (Tv Series) 2011-2014
* ''Crickey It's The Irwin's (Tv Show) 2018-2022
* ''Confessions: Animal Hording (Tv Series) 2010-2014
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Dolphin Days ✓
* ''Dogs: The Untold Story
* ''Dark Days In Monkey City
* ''Dogs 101 (Tv Series) 2008-2011
* ''Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet (Tv Series) 2015-2022
{{Col-end}}

===E===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Escape To Chimp Eden 
* ''Emergency Vets (Tv Series) 1998-2008
{{Col-end}}

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Fooled by Nature (Tv Series) 2007-2010
* ''Fatal Attractions (Tv Series) 2010-2012
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Going Ape ✓
* ''Gorilla School ✓
* ''Gator Boys (Tv Series) 2012-2017
* ''Gorillas on the Brink: Saving a Species
{{Col-end}}

===I===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Into The Pride 
* ''Into The Lions Den
* ''I Was Prey (Tv Series) 2017-2019
* ''It's Me or The Dog (Tv Series) 2007-2012
{{Col-end}}

===J===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Jane Goodall's When Animals Talk

===K===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Killer Whales: The Mega Hunt ✓
{{Col-end}}

===L===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Little Giants ✓
* ''Lemur Kingdom
* ''League of Monkey's
* ''Living With Man-Eaters ✓
* ''Lone Star Law (Tv Series) 2016-2022 
{{Col-end}}

===M===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Man vs Bear
* ''Mounted Branch ✓
* ''Man-Eating Super Croc
* ''Man-Eating Super Squid
* ''Mysterious Wild Of India 
* ''Meerkat Manor (Tv Series) 2005-2008 
* ''My Cat From Hell (Tv Series) 2011-2020
* ''Monsters Inside Me (Tv Series) 2009-2017
* ''Mysterious Creatures With Forrest Galante ✓
* ''Meet the Pandas: Washington's New Power Couple
{{Col-end}}

===N===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Night (Discovery+)
* ''North Woods Laws (Tv Series) 2012-2021
{{Col-end}}

===O===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Otter Dynasty ✓
* ''Orangutan Island
{{Col-end}}

===P===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Project Grizzly ✓
* ''Pandamonium ✓
* ''Panda Republic ✓
* ''Pet Star (Tv Series) 2002-2005
* ''Pit Boss (Tv Series) 2010-2013
* ''Pitbulls &amp; Parolees (Tv Series) 2009-2022
{{Col-end}}

===R===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Rise of The Warrior Apes
* ''Romeo &amp; Juliet: A Monkey's Tale
* ''River Monsters (Tv Series) 2009-2017
* ''Rattle Snake Republic (Tv Series) 2012-2014
{{Col-end}}

===S===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Season of The Grizzly
* ''Saving Grace: The Otter ✓
* ''Safari: An Extraordinary Adventure
* ''Swamp Wars (Tv Series) 2011-2013
* ''Saving The Gorillas: Ellen's Next Adventure ✓
* ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster (Tv Series) 2004−2009
{{Col-end}}

===T===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''The Nile
* ''The Pack ✓
* ''Tucan Nation
* ''The Real Lion Queen (saved)
* ''The Beauty of Snakes 
* ''The Great Shark Chase 
* ''Tanked (Tv Series) 2011-2018
* ''The Zoo (Tv Series) 2017-2021
* ''Too Cute (Tv Series) 2011-2017
* ''The Vet Life (Tv Series) 2016-2020
* ''The Aquarium (Tv Series) 2020-2021
* ''The Most Extreme (Tv Series) 2002-2006
* ''The Zoo: San Deigo (Tv Series) 2019-2022
* ''The Crocodile Hunter (Tv Series) 1997-2004
* ''The Magic Of The Big Blue: Seven Continents (ihavenotv.com)
* ''The Secret Life Of The Zoo (Tv Series) 2016-2020
* ''The Jeff Corwin Experience (Tv Series) 2001-2003
{{Col-end}}

===U===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Untamed &amp; Uncut (Tv Series) 2008-2010
{{Col-end}}

===W===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Wild Deep
* ''Wild Chile (ihavenotv)?
* ''Wild Costa Rica
* ''Wild New Zealand
* ''Walking With Elephants ✓
* ''Wild Africa: Rivers Of Life 
* ''Whale Wars (Tv Series) 2008-2015
* ''Weird, True &amp; Freaky (Tv Series) 2008-2012
{{Col-end}}

===Y===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Yellowstone Journals
{{Col-end}}

===Z===
{{Col-begin}}
* ''Zolton: The Wolfman ✓
{{Col-end}}

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________</text>
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    <title>Matthew Hughes (writer)</title>
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      <text bytes="15813" sha1="1xfjvx7xg09flgakk9mqifpw9uyrfdy" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Matthew Hughes]]''' (born 1949) is a Canadian author who writes science fiction under the name Matthew Hughes, crime fiction as Matt Hughes and media tie-ins as Hugh Matthews.

== Quotes ==
=== Filidor Vesh ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fools Errant]]'' (1994) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “In any case”—he gestured at the car—“this vehicle has achieved a state of permanent inanimation.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* Coming whence you do, you doubtless assume that the mores and customs of your own land arise from the workings of simple [[human nature]]. But human nature is far from simple, and what appears natural in your own milieu may seem chillingly alien when transported into some foreign sphere.
** Chapter 3 (p. 30)

* “[[Knowledge]] can be a hindrance to right action,” answered the little man. “There are those who hold that, if we but knew the full ramifications of even our least deeds, the ensuing concatenations of cause and effect would paralyze us with indecision.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 52)

* Gathering himself together, he asked the dwarf, “Was all this in some way planned and predetermined?”&lt;br&gt;Gaskarth turned upon the young man a thoughtful gaze. “There are those who say that all is planned, to the placement of the last mote and mite. There are others who say that nothing is purposed, and that the galaxies themselves swing where they will. And then there are some, like me, who prefer to walk on, saying as little as possible.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 53)

* Into the Zeelotic ethos, we have injected the philosophical axiom—well known to the field of fashion—that the outmoded only remains so until it becomes unremembered, after which it may justly return as the [[w:Avant-garde|avant-garde]].
** Chapter 5 (p. 70)

* “I am not one to deny the broadening effects of distant lands,” offered Nofreg, “yet I have often said that the chief benefit of [[travel]] is to allow the returned sojourner a renewed appreciation of his native milieu.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I suspect that the benefits of travel are indeed overrated. It seems mostly hardship and needless frustration,” she said.
** Chapter 8 (p. 106)

* “Your remarks demonstrate how proximity narrows perspective,” said Gaskarth. “Events in and of themselves are less pertinent than the effects and interpretations to which they give rise.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 115)

* “This conversation would be more easily conducted,” said Filidor, “if I had any notion of what you are talking about.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 124)

* Does not the acceptance of a spurious perfection end the search for true perfection?
** Chapter 10 (p. 128)

* “We all use the world, and are used by it,” he said, after a moment. “Some of us are more aware than others of using and being used. It is our fortune to have fewer illusions.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “I will inform the world of your preference,” said Gaskarth, “but I doubt it will lead to any significant improvements in your lot.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “From within such a calcified culture, no [[change]] can be generated; the impetus for reform must arise from without. Hence, the external threat posed by Hunan Diath.”&lt;br&gt;“Who does not exist,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;“Who need not exist,” said Gaskarth, “so long as the idea can do its work.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 148)

* “I disagree,” said Jenbo Lal.&lt;br&gt;“Disagreeability is your forte,” said Gaskarth.
** Chapter 13 (p. 166)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fool Me Twice]]'' (2001) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

=== Henghis Hapthorn ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Majestrum]]'' (2006) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|1-59780-061-9}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Have you considered the possibility that our standards as to what is important may differ?
** Chapter 1 (p. 3)

* Talking was only one of the uses to which Chalivire liked to put her large and loose-lipped mouth; another was filling it with the products of The Braid’s renowned kitchens.
** Chapter 3 (p. 21)

* “What is your theory?” my assistant asked, but again I declined to answer. A mistaken theory that never went farther than its originator’s mind does not count as an error.
** Chapter 5 (p. 48)

* [[Insanity]] was not unknown among the wealthy. Indeed, some forms of madness had sometimes been cultivated as fashionable accessories.
** Chapter 6 (p. 60)

* Also, there was [[Body piercing|a remarkable display of objects that primitive humanity had allegedly thrust through various parts of their bodies—some of them extremely sensitive—for decorative effect]]. I shuddered slightly at the thought: self-mutilation, though everyone’s right, had always taken me aback.
** Chapter 6 (p. 68)

* A lifelong habit of being right also had the effect of diminishing one’s social appeal, especially among those who prefer to keep the bubble of their various illusions a safe distance from a needle-sharp and probing [[intelligence]].
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I have a reputation for [[genius]],” I said, though I lowered my voice. “It can withstand some [[Eccentricity|eccentricities]].”
** Chapter 7 (p. 84)

* ''[[Life]] is a hopeless rear guard action against an overwhelming foe; still how can we not admire those who battle on regardless?''
** Chapter 7 (p. 93)

* My alter ego was awake and listening. “[[Magic]],” he said.&lt;br&gt;“To one whose only instrument is a drum, all melodies are much the same,” I answered inwardly.
** Chapter 9 (p. 132)

* “Who was it who said that [[irony]] is the fundamental operating principle of the universe?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe,” I said, “that it was Henghis Hapthorn.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 143; note that the speaker in the second line is, in fact, Henghis Hapthorn)

* I cannot comment on your [[Belief|beliefs]]. What appears self-evident to one person may seem to another observer to be entirely the product of an idiosyncratic bent.
** Chapter 11 (p. 151)

* “He began to dream the dreams that always seduce a tyrant: [[power]]s beyond powers, worlds at his feet, whole realms bowing to his whims.”&lt;br&gt;“And the dreams occluded his faculties,” I said. “It was ever thus, we may be thankful, else tyrants would never fall.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 165)

* When the Wheel turns, much that is impossible in the old phase becomes commonplace in the new.
** Chapter 12 (p. 172)

* “Then how is it done?”&lt;br&gt;“By [[magic]], I suppose. How else?”&lt;br&gt;“That is a foolish and flippant answer,” he said. “‘Oh, it’s magic,’ is not a handy solution to every mystery. I am not the child.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 181)

* “Could Rievor be hiding himself behind some magical cloak?” I asked my other self.&lt;br&gt;“No,” he said. “I believe he is exercising that most potent form of invisibility: the one called, ‘not being present at all.’”
** Chapter 13 (pp. 188-189)

* “I have a plan.”&lt;br&gt;“What kind of plan?”&lt;br&gt;“A daring and bold one,” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Is that wise?”&lt;br&gt;“It has to be that kind of plan. It’s that kind of cosmos.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 197)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|The Spiral Labyrinth]]'' (2007) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-091-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “I do not wish to experience that again.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people claim that the occasional exposure to [[Fear|fear]] enhances their enjoyment of more tranquil circumstances.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people ought to be confined for their own good,” my assistant said, “and to prevent them from spreading dangerous inanities.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* “Then you will have to look at an experienced integrator.”&lt;br&gt;“You mean a used and discarded one.”&lt;br&gt;“We could quibble over narrow distinctions and shades of meaning all day, only to greet the evening with nothing accomplished. Or we could press on and solve your problem.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 28)

* “There are, occasionally, rarely, some…difficulties,” she admitted.&lt;br&gt;“That is a word that may cover a great swath of territory,” I said, “from the low foothills of minor inconvenience to the insurmountable peaks of constant vexation.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* I might have been lulled by her show of confidence, had I not commanded a fact or two about spaceships. “A Grand Itinerator compares to an Aberrator as does a mansion to a country cottage,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“It is a matter of point of view,” she argued. “It depends on whether one concentrates on differences or congruencies. Being of a broad and generous spirit, I prefer the latter perspective. You may be the type who niggles.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* Persons who disguise themselves when they go out into the world rarely do so for innocent purposes. At best, they mean to pull some merry prank; all too often, they intend a considerably deeper mischief.
** Chapter 3 (p. 36)

* “Isn’t it [[obvious]]?” he answered.&lt;br&gt;“No. It is so far from obvious that it has gone right through obscure, breezed past unfathomable and is now completely beyond the reach of my vocabulary.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 54)

* “You’re [[Worry|worried]], aren’t you?” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Again, you have chosen a word not large enough to cover more than the barest fraction of the situation.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 55)

* But in this age, [[logic]] was a flame that must be frequently starved of fuel.
** Chapter 6 (p. 84)

* “You ask if anyone has ‘tested the concept.’ But why would anyone test reality? [[Reality]] is not for testing, but for living with.”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 86-87)

* “We should be frank with each other,” Lavelan said.&lt;br&gt;It had been my experience that most conversations that were launched on such a declaration represented an attempt by the initiator to gain far more information than he intended to give.
** Chapter 7 (p. 97)

* “Often, when a stranger says, ‘Trust me,’ a wise man puts his hand on his purse and backs away.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 99)

* “I detected some quavers in his voice that indicated stress. But I would not say that he lied.”&lt;br&gt;“Though it was not the whole [[truth]].”&lt;br&gt;“It never is. The ‘whole truth’ starts with the beginning of the world and its telling takes an inordinately long time.”
** Chapter 7 (pp. 100-101)

* I had no doubt that there was madness here. How could it be otherwise in a cosmos that was ordered solely by [[Will (philosophy)|will]]? It did not mean that the insane would automatically rise to the apex of the social order; their efforts would be diffused by the randomness of the impulses that drove them. But those whose extraordinary powers of will propelled them to the heights of power and rank would always be vulnerable to going further than they should. And there would be none but their equally mad rivals to restrain them.
** Chapter 7 (pp. 106-107)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Hespira]]'' (2009) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-101-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* My intent was to spot not only Massim Shar’s cut-out but the other member of his criminal coterie who would be there to watch our transaction. There might even be a watcher to watch the watcher, [[trust]] being a commodity in short supply among the lawless.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 8)

* The combined effect of so many ambulatory sticks and balls, each of whom wore an expression of complete self-satisfaction, added strength to my longstanding belief that the [[Fashion|profession of couturier]] required only a good knowledge of fabric and a malicious [[Comedy|sense of humor]].
** Chapter 1 (p. 9)

* “The likelihood seems farfetched.”&lt;br&gt;“So have several of the situations in which we have found ourselves in the recent past,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“But you are resolved to avoid those kinds of situations in the future.”&lt;br&gt;I made a gesture ripe with fatalism. “I have come to understand that the universe accords my resolutions a good deal less consideration than I would prefer.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 21)

* “Very well,” I said, “let us roll the pebble and get the avalanche on its way.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 38)

* Half the miseries of humankind’s history have originated in those who think they see in the fellow next to them [[Virtue|virtues]] and [[vices]] that exist only in the mind of the beholder.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* I reflected that the genial glow that surrounds the doer of a good deed loses some of its warmth and brightness when the recipient meets every action with the pinched face of [[suspicion]].
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* “[[Wealth]] tends to generate wealth,” he began.&lt;br&gt;I gave a qualified assent. “If it does not instead give birth to [[Foolishness|folly]].”
** Chapter 3 (p. 57)

* The [[Insanity|insane]] had a tendency to cloak others in the strange garments they found hanging in the backs of their own mental wardrobes. So, for that matter, did the rest of us, but the consequences of error were usually less drastic.
** Chapter 3 (p. 65)

* “Are you familiar with Wallader’s theory that every society is fundamentally organized around one or another of the cardinal sins?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe not,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“He argues that the true seed of every culture, whatever the ideals to which it gives lip service, always turns out to be one of the seven mortal iniquities identified by the ancients: [[pride]], [[greed]], and [[anger]] are the most common; [[lust]], [[gluttony]], and [[envy]] less so; those based on [[Laziness|sloth]] usually do not last.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 70)

* I realized that Chumblot’s brief had told only the official story which, as in many sophisticated societies, departed starkly from the practical facts.
** Chapter 4 (p. 85)

* It is as hugely irrelevant to us as the literary outpourings of a poet are to a bacterium living in his lower bowel. Indeed, to an even tinier mite living in the bacterium’s vacuole. It just doesn’t matter.
** Chapter 4 (p. 89)

* “There was no indication of anything sinister?”&lt;br&gt;“No, though a truly sinister intrusion would be phrased in such a way as to appear not sinister.”&lt;br&gt;“That is not reassuring,” I said.
** Chapter 5 (p. 107)

* When we have done more traveling together, you will come to see that occasionally we must be other than forthright with local authorities. Many of them lack [[imagination]] and react poorly to [[creativity]] and unexpected innovation.
** Chapter 7 (p. 154)

* “[[Magic]],” said my integrator, “has rules. At the heart of the willful, associative universe, we find a modicum of rationalism, just as we find uncertainty at the core of the rational cosmos.”&lt;br&gt;“Exactly,” I said. “And there seems no other explanation for it than sheer perversity on the part of whatever entity is responsible for the whole untidy business.”&lt;br&gt;I thought about it a moment more then said, “Perversity, or just a very idiosyncratic sense of humor.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 176)

* When all the good ideas have been expended, I quoted to myself, one might as well try a bad one.
** Chapter 11 (p. 222)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Matthew Hughes (writer)}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hughes, Matthew}}
[[Category:Science fiction authors]]
[[Category:Novelists from Canada]]
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Liverpool]]
[[Category:Short story writers from Canada]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18642" sha1="165dcuxardlffppya0eyaukjqqjd52a" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Matthew Hughes]]''' (born 1949) is a Canadian author who writes science fiction under the name Matthew Hughes, crime fiction as Matt Hughes and media tie-ins as Hugh Matthews.

== Quotes ==
=== Filidor Vesh ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fools Errant]]'' (1994) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “In any case”—he gestured at the car—“this vehicle has achieved a state of permanent inanimation.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* Coming whence you do, you doubtless assume that the mores and customs of your own land arise from the workings of simple [[human nature]]. But human nature is far from simple, and what appears natural in your own milieu may seem chillingly alien when transported into some foreign sphere.
** Chapter 3 (p. 30)

* “[[Knowledge]] can be a hindrance to right action,” answered the little man. “There are those who hold that, if we but knew the full ramifications of even our least deeds, the ensuing concatenations of cause and effect would paralyze us with indecision.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 52)

* Gathering himself together, he asked the dwarf, “Was all this in some way planned and predetermined?”&lt;br&gt;Gaskarth turned upon the young man a thoughtful gaze. “There are those who say that all is planned, to the placement of the last mote and mite. There are others who say that nothing is purposed, and that the galaxies themselves swing where they will. And then there are some, like me, who prefer to walk on, saying as little as possible.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 53)

* Into the Zeelotic ethos, we have injected the philosophical axiom—well known to the field of fashion—that the outmoded only remains so until it becomes unremembered, after which it may justly return as the [[w:Avant-garde|avant-garde]].
** Chapter 5 (p. 70)

* “I am not one to deny the broadening effects of distant lands,” offered Nofreg, “yet I have often said that the chief benefit of [[travel]] is to allow the returned sojourner a renewed appreciation of his native milieu.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I suspect that the benefits of travel are indeed overrated. It seems mostly hardship and needless frustration,” she said.
** Chapter 8 (p. 106)

* “Your remarks demonstrate how proximity narrows perspective,” said Gaskarth. “Events in and of themselves are less pertinent than the effects and interpretations to which they give rise.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 115)

* “This conversation would be more easily conducted,” said Filidor, “if I had any notion of what you are talking about.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 124)

* Does not the acceptance of a spurious perfection end the search for true perfection?
** Chapter 10 (p. 128)

* “We all use the world, and are used by it,” he said, after a moment. “Some of us are more aware than others of using and being used. It is our fortune to have fewer illusions.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “I will inform the world of your preference,” said Gaskarth, “but I doubt it will lead to any significant improvements in your lot.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “From within such a calcified culture, no [[change]] can be generated; the impetus for reform must arise from without. Hence, the external threat posed by Hunan Diath.”&lt;br&gt;“Who does not exist,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;“Who need not exist,” said Gaskarth, “so long as the idea can do its work.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 148)

* “I disagree,” said Jenbo Lal.&lt;br&gt;“Disagreeability is your forte,” said Gaskarth.
** Chapter 13 (p. 166)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fool Me Twice]]'' (2001) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* The commerciants of Olkney were renowned for their egalitarian spirit, judging rich and poor alike solely by the weight of their purses.
** Chapter 1 (p. 212)

* “We are all used, all users. With luck, the final tally approximates a balance in our favor. But I think you are one of those who calls the proverbial glass half empty, while I prefer to call it half full.”&lt;br&gt;“No,” said Filidor, “in truth, I have never given these matters much thought. I am one who quaffs the glass empty and calls for it to be refilled.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 276)

* ''Well, as I say, authority is always lawfully relinquished, but sometimes the legitimacy is acquired after the relinquishment.''&lt;br&gt;“You mean retroactively?”&lt;br&gt;''I mean that cause and effect are not always arranged in an ideal sequence.''&lt;br&gt;“In other words,” Filidor translated, “not only do victors write the histories, but usurpers also rewrite the rule book to justify the illicit seizure of office.”&lt;br&gt;''Perhaps not the most felicitous manner of putting it, but essentially correct.''&lt;br&gt;“I am surprised the people put up with such shenanigans. They should rise up.”&lt;br&gt;''Unwittingly, I am sure, you put your finger on the flaw in your own reasoning.''&lt;br&gt;“How so?”&lt;br&gt;''You said, “They should rise up,” not “We should rise up.” As long as it is a matter to be solved by others, it will not be.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 301)

* ''The direct approach is not always the wisest strategy, as those who have fallen off mountains can testify.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 302)

* ''Things are as they were meant to be.''&lt;br&gt;“But it was arranged so by you and me.”&lt;br&gt;''Then we are instruments of fate.''&lt;br&gt;“Knowing instruments,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;''How does that make a difference?''
** Chapter 5 (p. 308)

* ''Assigning blame is a fixation of an ineffective mind.''
** Chapter 5 (pp. 318-319)

* As ever, you vainly grasp at diaphanous vastness while the tangible turns to mist in your hands.
** Chapter 5 (p. 322)

* “That is unfair,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;Gavne shrugged. “Things are as they are. If you quest after justice, young women are the wrong continent to explore. They run more to clemency or spite.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 347)

* Filidor marveled at the intransigence of adolescence, not remembering that he had possessed an abundance of the same quality not many years since.
** Chapter 7 (p. 355)

* Filidor was becoming more and more convinced that he had recently been inhabiting a reality that was at sharp variance to the rest of the world’s.
** Chapter 7 (p. 368)

* She could be—he hoped ''would'' be—what he had always lacked: a center to the map of his life, that one, necessary fixed point from which he could navigate out into the world and by which he could always find his way back home again.
** Chapter 8 (p. 386)

=== Henghis Hapthorn ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Majestrum]]'' (2006) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|1-59780-061-9}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Have you considered the possibility that our standards as to what is important may differ?
** Chapter 1 (p. 3)

* Talking was only one of the uses to which Chalivire liked to put her large and loose-lipped mouth; another was filling it with the products of The Braid’s renowned kitchens.
** Chapter 3 (p. 21)

* “What is your theory?” my assistant asked, but again I declined to answer. A mistaken theory that never went farther than its originator’s mind does not count as an error.
** Chapter 5 (p. 48)

* [[Insanity]] was not unknown among the wealthy. Indeed, some forms of madness had sometimes been cultivated as fashionable accessories.
** Chapter 6 (p. 60)

* Also, there was [[Body piercing|a remarkable display of objects that primitive humanity had allegedly thrust through various parts of their bodies—some of them extremely sensitive—for decorative effect]]. I shuddered slightly at the thought: self-mutilation, though everyone’s right, had always taken me aback.
** Chapter 6 (p. 68)

* A lifelong habit of being right also had the effect of diminishing one’s social appeal, especially among those who prefer to keep the bubble of their various illusions a safe distance from a needle-sharp and probing [[intelligence]].
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I have a reputation for [[genius]],” I said, though I lowered my voice. “It can withstand some [[Eccentricity|eccentricities]].”
** Chapter 7 (p. 84)

* ''[[Life]] is a hopeless rear guard action against an overwhelming foe; still how can we not admire those who battle on regardless?''
** Chapter 7 (p. 93)

* My alter ego was awake and listening. “[[Magic]],” he said.&lt;br&gt;“To one whose only instrument is a drum, all melodies are much the same,” I answered inwardly.
** Chapter 9 (p. 132)

* “Who was it who said that [[irony]] is the fundamental operating principle of the universe?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe,” I said, “that it was Henghis Hapthorn.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 143; note that the speaker in the second line is, in fact, Henghis Hapthorn)

* I cannot comment on your [[Belief|beliefs]]. What appears self-evident to one person may seem to another observer to be entirely the product of an idiosyncratic bent.
** Chapter 11 (p. 151)

* “He began to dream the dreams that always seduce a tyrant: [[power]]s beyond powers, worlds at his feet, whole realms bowing to his whims.”&lt;br&gt;“And the dreams occluded his faculties,” I said. “It was ever thus, we may be thankful, else tyrants would never fall.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 165)

* When the Wheel turns, much that is impossible in the old phase becomes commonplace in the new.
** Chapter 12 (p. 172)

* “Then how is it done?”&lt;br&gt;“By [[magic]], I suppose. How else?”&lt;br&gt;“That is a foolish and flippant answer,” he said. “‘Oh, it’s magic,’ is not a handy solution to every mystery. I am not the child.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 181)

* “Could Rievor be hiding himself behind some magical cloak?” I asked my other self.&lt;br&gt;“No,” he said. “I believe he is exercising that most potent form of invisibility: the one called, ‘not being present at all.’”
** Chapter 13 (pp. 188-189)

* “I have a plan.”&lt;br&gt;“What kind of plan?”&lt;br&gt;“A daring and bold one,” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Is that wise?”&lt;br&gt;“It has to be that kind of plan. It’s that kind of cosmos.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 197)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|The Spiral Labyrinth]]'' (2007) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-091-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “I do not wish to experience that again.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people claim that the occasional exposure to [[Fear|fear]] enhances their enjoyment of more tranquil circumstances.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people ought to be confined for their own good,” my assistant said, “and to prevent them from spreading dangerous inanities.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* “Then you will have to look at an experienced integrator.”&lt;br&gt;“You mean a used and discarded one.”&lt;br&gt;“We could quibble over narrow distinctions and shades of meaning all day, only to greet the evening with nothing accomplished. Or we could press on and solve your problem.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 28)

* “There are, occasionally, rarely, some…difficulties,” she admitted.&lt;br&gt;“That is a word that may cover a great swath of territory,” I said, “from the low foothills of minor inconvenience to the insurmountable peaks of constant vexation.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* I might have been lulled by her show of confidence, had I not commanded a fact or two about spaceships. “A Grand Itinerator compares to an Aberrator as does a mansion to a country cottage,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“It is a matter of point of view,” she argued. “It depends on whether one concentrates on differences or congruencies. Being of a broad and generous spirit, I prefer the latter perspective. You may be the type who niggles.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* Persons who disguise themselves when they go out into the world rarely do so for innocent purposes. At best, they mean to pull some merry prank; all too often, they intend a considerably deeper mischief.
** Chapter 3 (p. 36)

* “Isn’t it [[obvious]]?” he answered.&lt;br&gt;“No. It is so far from obvious that it has gone right through obscure, breezed past unfathomable and is now completely beyond the reach of my vocabulary.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 54)

* “You’re [[Worry|worried]], aren’t you?” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Again, you have chosen a word not large enough to cover more than the barest fraction of the situation.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 55)

* But in this age, [[logic]] was a flame that must be frequently starved of fuel.
** Chapter 6 (p. 84)

* “You ask if anyone has ‘tested the concept.’ But why would anyone test reality? [[Reality]] is not for testing, but for living with.”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 86-87)

* “We should be frank with each other,” Lavelan said.&lt;br&gt;It had been my experience that most conversations that were launched on such a declaration represented an attempt by the initiator to gain far more information than he intended to give.
** Chapter 7 (p. 97)

* “Often, when a stranger says, ‘Trust me,’ a wise man puts his hand on his purse and backs away.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 99)

* “I detected some quavers in his voice that indicated stress. But I would not say that he lied.”&lt;br&gt;“Though it was not the whole [[truth]].”&lt;br&gt;“It never is. The ‘whole truth’ starts with the beginning of the world and its telling takes an inordinately long time.”
** Chapter 7 (pp. 100-101)

* I had no doubt that there was madness here. How could it be otherwise in a cosmos that was ordered solely by [[Will (philosophy)|will]]? It did not mean that the insane would automatically rise to the apex of the social order; their efforts would be diffused by the randomness of the impulses that drove them. But those whose extraordinary powers of will propelled them to the heights of power and rank would always be vulnerable to going further than they should. And there would be none but their equally mad rivals to restrain them.
** Chapter 7 (pp. 106-107)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Hespira]]'' (2009) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-101-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* My intent was to spot not only Massim Shar’s cut-out but the other member of his criminal coterie who would be there to watch our transaction. There might even be a watcher to watch the watcher, [[trust]] being a commodity in short supply among the lawless.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 8)

* The combined effect of so many ambulatory sticks and balls, each of whom wore an expression of complete self-satisfaction, added strength to my longstanding belief that the [[Fashion|profession of couturier]] required only a good knowledge of fabric and a malicious [[Comedy|sense of humor]].
** Chapter 1 (p. 9)

* “The likelihood seems farfetched.”&lt;br&gt;“So have several of the situations in which we have found ourselves in the recent past,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“But you are resolved to avoid those kinds of situations in the future.”&lt;br&gt;I made a gesture ripe with fatalism. “I have come to understand that the universe accords my resolutions a good deal less consideration than I would prefer.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 21)

* “Very well,” I said, “let us roll the pebble and get the avalanche on its way.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 38)

* Half the miseries of humankind’s history have originated in those who think they see in the fellow next to them [[Virtue|virtues]] and [[vices]] that exist only in the mind of the beholder.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* I reflected that the genial glow that surrounds the doer of a good deed loses some of its warmth and brightness when the recipient meets every action with the pinched face of [[suspicion]].
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* “[[Wealth]] tends to generate wealth,” he began.&lt;br&gt;I gave a qualified assent. “If it does not instead give birth to [[Foolishness|folly]].”
** Chapter 3 (p. 57)

* The [[Insanity|insane]] had a tendency to cloak others in the strange garments they found hanging in the backs of their own mental wardrobes. So, for that matter, did the rest of us, but the consequences of error were usually less drastic.
** Chapter 3 (p. 65)

* “Are you familiar with Wallader’s theory that every society is fundamentally organized around one or another of the cardinal sins?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe not,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“He argues that the true seed of every culture, whatever the ideals to which it gives lip service, always turns out to be one of the seven mortal iniquities identified by the ancients: [[pride]], [[greed]], and [[anger]] are the most common; [[lust]], [[gluttony]], and [[envy]] less so; those based on [[Laziness|sloth]] usually do not last.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 70)

* I realized that Chumblot’s brief had told only the official story which, as in many sophisticated societies, departed starkly from the practical facts.
** Chapter 4 (p. 85)

* It is as hugely irrelevant to us as the literary outpourings of a poet are to a bacterium living in his lower bowel. Indeed, to an even tinier mite living in the bacterium’s vacuole. It just doesn’t matter.
** Chapter 4 (p. 89)

* “There was no indication of anything sinister?”&lt;br&gt;“No, though a truly sinister intrusion would be phrased in such a way as to appear not sinister.”&lt;br&gt;“That is not reassuring,” I said.
** Chapter 5 (p. 107)

* When we have done more traveling together, you will come to see that occasionally we must be other than forthright with local authorities. Many of them lack [[imagination]] and react poorly to [[creativity]] and unexpected innovation.
** Chapter 7 (p. 154)

* “[[Magic]],” said my integrator, “has rules. At the heart of the willful, associative universe, we find a modicum of rationalism, just as we find uncertainty at the core of the rational cosmos.”&lt;br&gt;“Exactly,” I said. “And there seems no other explanation for it than sheer perversity on the part of whatever entity is responsible for the whole untidy business.”&lt;br&gt;I thought about it a moment more then said, “Perversity, or just a very idiosyncratic sense of humor.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 176)

* When all the good ideas have been expended, I quoted to myself, one might as well try a bad one.
** Chapter 11 (p. 222)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Matthew Hughes (writer)}}

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      <text bytes="18683" sha1="j9cg8d79jux9qiwyjvks8a3reapjja1" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Matthew Hughes]]''' (born 1949) is a Canadian author who writes science fiction under the name Matthew Hughes, crime fiction as Matt Hughes and media tie-ins as Hugh Matthews.

== Quotes ==
=== Filidor Vesh ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fools Errant]]'' (1994) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “In any case”—he gestured at the car—“this vehicle has achieved a state of permanent inanimation.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* Coming whence you do, you doubtless assume that the mores and customs of your own land arise from the workings of simple [[human nature]]. But human nature is far from simple, and what appears natural in your own milieu may seem chillingly alien when transported into some foreign sphere.
** Chapter 3 (p. 30)

* “[[Knowledge]] can be a hindrance to right action,” answered the little man. “There are those who hold that, if we but knew the full ramifications of even our least deeds, the ensuing concatenations of cause and effect would paralyze us with indecision.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 52)

* Gathering himself together, he asked the dwarf, “Was all this in some way planned and predetermined?”&lt;br&gt;Gaskarth turned upon the young man a thoughtful gaze. “There are those who say that all is planned, to the placement of the last mote and mite. There are others who say that nothing is purposed, and that the galaxies themselves swing where they will. And then there are some, like me, who prefer to walk on, saying as little as possible.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 53)

* Into the Zeelotic ethos, we have injected the philosophical axiom—well known to the field of fashion—that the outmoded only remains so until it becomes unremembered, after which it may justly return as the [[w:Avant-garde|avant-garde]].
** Chapter 5 (p. 70)

* “I am not one to deny the broadening effects of distant lands,” offered Nofreg, “yet I have often said that the chief benefit of [[travel]] is to allow the returned sojourner a renewed appreciation of his native milieu.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I suspect that the benefits of travel are indeed overrated. It seems mostly hardship and needless frustration,” she said.
** Chapter 8 (p. 106)

* “Your remarks demonstrate how proximity narrows perspective,” said Gaskarth. “Events in and of themselves are less pertinent than the effects and interpretations to which they give rise.”
** Chapter 8 (p. 115)

* “This conversation would be more easily conducted,” said Filidor, “if I had any notion of what you are talking about.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 124)

* Does not the acceptance of a spurious perfection end the search for true perfection?
** Chapter 10 (p. 128)

* “We all use the world, and are used by it,” he said, after a moment. “Some of us are more aware than others of using and being used. It is our fortune to have fewer illusions.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “I will inform the world of your preference,” said Gaskarth, “but I doubt it will lead to any significant improvements in your lot.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 136)

* “From within such a calcified culture, no [[change]] can be generated; the impetus for reform must arise from without. Hence, the external threat posed by Hunan Diath.”&lt;br&gt;“Who does not exist,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;“Who need not exist,” said Gaskarth, “so long as the idea can do its work.”
** Chapter 11 (p. 148)

* “I disagree,” said Jenbo Lal.&lt;br&gt;“Disagreeability is your forte,” said Gaskarth.
** Chapter 13 (p. 166)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Fool Me Twice]]'' (2001) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover omnibus edition, ''Gullible's Travels,'' published by The Science Fiction Book Club, {{ISBN|0-7394-1940-4}} &lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt; Italics as in the book &lt;/small&gt;

* The commerciants of Olkney were renowned for their egalitarian spirit, judging rich and poor alike solely by the weight of their purses.
** Chapter 1 (p. 212)

* “We are all used, all users. With luck, the final tally approximates a balance in our favor. But I think you are one of those who calls the proverbial glass half empty, while I prefer to call it half full.”&lt;br&gt;“No,” said Filidor, “in truth, I have never given these matters much thought. I am one who quaffs the glass empty and calls for it to be refilled.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 276)

* ''Well, as I say, authority is always lawfully relinquished, but sometimes the legitimacy is acquired after the relinquishment.''&lt;br&gt;“You mean retroactively?”&lt;br&gt;''I mean that cause and effect are not always arranged in an ideal sequence.''&lt;br&gt;“In other words,” Filidor translated, “not only do victors write the histories, but usurpers also rewrite the rule book to justify the illicit seizure of office.”&lt;br&gt;''Perhaps not the most felicitous manner of putting it, but essentially correct.''&lt;br&gt;“I am surprised the people put up with such shenanigans. They should rise up.”&lt;br&gt;''Unwittingly, I am sure, you put your finger on the flaw in your own reasoning.''&lt;br&gt;“How so?”&lt;br&gt;''You said, “They should rise up,” not “We should rise up.” As long as it is a matter to be solved by others, it will not be.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 301)

* ''The direct approach is not always the wisest strategy, as those who have fallen off mountains can testify.''
** Chapter 4 (p. 302)

* ''Things are as they were meant to be.''&lt;br&gt;“But it was arranged so by you and me.”&lt;br&gt;''Then we are instruments of fate.''&lt;br&gt;“Knowing instruments,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;''How does that make a difference?''
** Chapter 5 (p. 308)

* ''Assigning blame is a fixation of an ineffective mind.''
** Chapter 5 (pp. 318-319)

* As ever, you vainly grasp at diaphanous vastness while the tangible turns to mist in your hands.
** Chapter 5 (p. 322)

* “That is unfair,” said Filidor.&lt;br&gt;Gavne shrugged. “Things are as they are. If you quest after justice, young women are the wrong continent to explore. They run more to clemency or spite.”
** Chapter 6 (p. 347)

* Filidor marveled at the intransigence of adolescence, not remembering that he had possessed an abundance of the same quality not many years since.
** Chapter 7 (p. 355)

* Filidor was becoming more and more convinced that he had recently been inhabiting a reality that was at sharp variance to the rest of the world’s.
** Chapter 7 (p. 368)

* She could be—he hoped ''would'' be—what he had always lacked: a center to the map of his life, that one, necessary fixed point from which he could navigate out into the world and by which he could always find his way back home again.
** Chapter 8 (p. 386)

=== Henghis Hapthorn ===
==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Majestrum]]'' (2006) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|1-59780-061-9}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Have you considered the possibility that our standards as to what is important may differ?
** Chapter 1 (p. 3)

* Talking was only one of the uses to which Chalivire liked to put her large and loose-lipped mouth; another was filling it with the products of The Braid’s renowned kitchens.
** Chapter 3 (p. 21)

* “What is your theory?” my assistant asked, but again I declined to answer. A mistaken theory that never went farther than its originator’s mind does not count as an error.
** Chapter 5 (p. 48)

* [[Insanity]] was not unknown among the wealthy. Indeed, some forms of madness had sometimes been cultivated as fashionable accessories.
** Chapter 6 (p. 60)

* Also, there was [[Body piercing|a remarkable display of objects that primitive humanity had allegedly thrust through various parts of their bodies—some of them extremely sensitive—for decorative effect]]. I shuddered slightly at the thought: self-mutilation, though everyone’s right, had always taken me aback.
** Chapter 6 (p. 68)

* A lifelong habit of being right also had the effect of diminishing one’s social appeal, especially among those who prefer to keep the bubble of their various illusions a safe distance from a needle-sharp and probing [[intelligence]].
** Chapter 6 (p. 76)

* “I have a reputation for [[genius]],” I said, though I lowered my voice. “It can withstand some [[Eccentricity|eccentricities]].”
** Chapter 7 (p. 84)

* ''[[Life]] is a hopeless rear guard action against an overwhelming foe; still how can we not admire those who battle on regardless?''
** Chapter 7 (p. 93)

* My alter ego was awake and listening. “[[Magic]],” he said.&lt;br&gt;“To one whose only instrument is a drum, all melodies are much the same,” I answered inwardly.
** Chapter 9 (p. 132)

* “Who was it who said that [[irony]] is the fundamental operating principle of the universe?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe,” I said, “that it was Henghis Hapthorn.”
** Chapter 10 (p. 143; note that the speaker in the second line is, in fact, Henghis Hapthorn)

* I cannot comment on your [[Belief|beliefs]]. What appears self-evident to one person may seem to another observer to be entirely the product of an idiosyncratic bent.
** Chapter 11 (p. 151)

* “He began to dream the dreams that always seduce a tyrant: [[power]]s beyond powers, worlds at his feet, whole realms bowing to his whims.”&lt;br&gt;“And the dreams occluded his faculties,” I said. “It was ever thus, we may be thankful, else tyrants would never fall.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 165)

* When the Wheel turns, much that is impossible in the old phase becomes commonplace in the new.
** Chapter 12 (p. 172)

* “Then how is it done?”&lt;br&gt;“By [[magic]], I suppose. How else?”&lt;br&gt;“That is a foolish and flippant answer,” he said. “‘Oh, it’s magic,’ is not a handy solution to every mystery. I am not the child.”
** Chapter 12 (p. 181)

* “Could Rievor be hiding himself behind some magical cloak?” I asked my other self.&lt;br&gt;“No,” he said. “I believe he is exercising that most potent form of invisibility: the one called, ‘not being present at all.’”
** Chapter 13 (pp. 188-189)

* “I have a plan.”&lt;br&gt;“What kind of plan?”&lt;br&gt;“A daring and bold one,” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Is that wise?”&lt;br&gt;“It has to be that kind of plan. It’s that kind of cosmos.”
** Chapter 14 (p. 197)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|The Spiral Labyrinth]]'' (2007) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-091-4}} &lt;/small&gt;

* “I do not wish to experience that again.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people claim that the occasional exposure to [[Fear|fear]] enhances their enjoyment of more tranquil circumstances.”&lt;br&gt;“Some people ought to be confined for their own good,” my assistant said, “and to prevent them from spreading dangerous inanities.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 23)

* “Then you will have to look at an experienced integrator.”&lt;br&gt;“You mean a used and discarded one.”&lt;br&gt;“We could quibble over narrow distinctions and shades of meaning all day, only to greet the evening with nothing accomplished. Or we could press on and solve your problem.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 28)

* “There are, occasionally, rarely, some…difficulties,” she admitted.&lt;br&gt;“That is a word that may cover a great swath of territory,” I said, “from the low foothills of minor inconvenience to the insurmountable peaks of constant vexation.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* I might have been lulled by her show of confidence, had I not commanded a fact or two about spaceships. “A Grand Itinerator compares to an Aberrator as does a mansion to a country cottage,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“It is a matter of point of view,” she argued. “It depends on whether one concentrates on differences or congruencies. Being of a broad and generous spirit, I prefer the latter perspective. You may be the type who niggles.”
** Chapter 3 (p. 29)

* Persons who disguise themselves when they go out into the world rarely do so for innocent purposes. At best, they mean to pull some merry prank; all too often, they intend a considerably deeper mischief.
** Chapter 3 (p. 36)

* “Isn’t it [[obvious]]?” he answered.&lt;br&gt;“No. It is so far from obvious that it has gone right through obscure, breezed past unfathomable and is now completely beyond the reach of my vocabulary.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 54)

* “You’re [[Worry|worried]], aren’t you?” he said.&lt;br&gt;“Again, you have chosen a word not large enough to cover more than the barest fraction of the situation.”
** Chapter 5 (p. 55)

* But in this age, [[logic]] was a flame that must be frequently starved of fuel.
** Chapter 6 (p. 84)

* “You ask if anyone has ‘tested the concept.’ But why would anyone test reality? [[Reality]] is not for testing, but for living with.”
** Chapter 6 (pp. 86-87)

* “We should be frank with each other,” Lavelan said.&lt;br&gt;It had been my experience that most conversations that were launched on such a declaration represented an attempt by the initiator to gain far more information than he intended to give.
** Chapter 7 (p. 97)

* “Often, when a stranger says, ‘Trust me,’ a wise man puts his hand on his purse and backs away.”
** Chapter 7 (p. 99)

* “I detected some quavers in his voice that indicated stress. But I would not say that he lied.”&lt;br&gt;“Though it was not the whole [[truth]].”&lt;br&gt;“It never is. The ‘whole truth’ starts with the beginning of the world and its telling takes an inordinately long time.”
** Chapter 7 (pp. 100-101)

* I had no doubt that there was madness here. How could it be otherwise in a cosmos that was ordered solely by [[Will (philosophy)|will]]? It did not mean that the insane would automatically rise to the apex of the social order; their efforts would be diffused by the randomness of the impulses that drove them. But those whose extraordinary powers of will propelled them to the heights of power and rank would always be vulnerable to going further than they should. And there would be none but their equally mad rivals to restrain them.
** Chapter 7 (pp. 106-107)

==== ''[[w:Matt Hughes (writer)|Hespira]]'' (2009) ====
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Night Shade Books, {{ISBN|978-1-59780-101-0}} &lt;/small&gt;

* My intent was to spot not only Massim Shar’s cut-out but the other member of his criminal coterie who would be there to watch our transaction. There might even be a watcher to watch the watcher, [[trust]] being a commodity in short supply among the lawless.”
** Chapter 1 (p. 8)

* The combined effect of so many ambulatory sticks and balls, each of whom wore an expression of complete self-satisfaction, added strength to my longstanding belief that the [[Fashion|profession of couturier]] required only a good knowledge of fabric and a malicious [[Comedy|sense of humor]].
** Chapter 1 (p. 9)

* “The likelihood seems farfetched.”&lt;br&gt;“So have several of the situations in which we have found ourselves in the recent past,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“But you are resolved to avoid those kinds of situations in the future.”&lt;br&gt;I made a gesture ripe with fatalism. “I have come to understand that the universe accords my resolutions a good deal less consideration than I would prefer.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 21)

* “Very well,” I said, “let us roll the pebble and get the avalanche on its way.”
** Chapter 2 (p. 38)

* Half the miseries of humankind’s history have originated in those who think they see in the fellow next to them [[Virtue|virtues]] and [[vices]] that exist only in the mind of the beholder.
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* I reflected that the genial glow that surrounds the doer of a good deed loses some of its warmth and brightness when the recipient meets every action with the pinched face of [[suspicion]].
** Chapter 3 (p. 48)

* “[[Wealth]] tends to generate wealth,” he began.&lt;br&gt;I gave a qualified assent. “If it does not instead give birth to [[Foolishness|folly]].”
** Chapter 3 (p. 57)

* The [[Insanity|insane]] had a tendency to cloak others in the strange garments they found hanging in the backs of their own mental wardrobes. So, for that matter, did the rest of us, but the consequences of error were usually less drastic.
** Chapter 3 (p. 65)

* “Are you familiar with Wallader’s theory that every society is fundamentally organized around one or another of the cardinal sins?”&lt;br&gt;“I believe not,” I said.&lt;br&gt;“He argues that the true seed of every culture, whatever the ideals to which it gives lip service, always turns out to be one of the seven mortal iniquities identified by the ancients: [[pride]], [[greed]], and [[anger]] are the most common; [[lust]], [[gluttony]], and [[envy]] less so; those based on [[Laziness|sloth]] usually do not last.”
** Chapter 4 (p. 70)

* I realized that Chumblot’s brief had told only the official story which, as in many sophisticated societies, departed starkly from the practical facts.
** Chapter 4 (p. 85)

* It is as hugely irrelevant to us as the literary outpourings of a poet are to a bacterium living in his lower bowel. Indeed, to an even tinier mite living in the bacterium’s vacuole. It just doesn’t matter.
** Chapter 4 (p. 89)

* “There was no indication of anything sinister?”&lt;br&gt;“No, though a truly sinister intrusion would be phrased in such a way as to appear not sinister.”&lt;br&gt;“That is not reassuring,” I said.
** Chapter 5 (p. 107)

* When we have done more traveling together, you will come to see that occasionally we must be other than forthright with local authorities. Many of them lack [[imagination]] and react poorly to [[creativity]] and unexpected innovation.
** Chapter 7 (p. 154)

* “[[Magic]],” said my integrator, “has rules. At the heart of the willful, associative universe, we find a modicum of rationalism, just as we find uncertainty at the core of the rational cosmos.”&lt;br&gt;“Exactly,” I said. “And there seems no other explanation for it than sheer perversity on the part of whatever entity is responsible for the whole untidy business.”&lt;br&gt;I thought about it a moment more then said, “Perversity, or just a very idiosyncratic sense of humor.”
** Chapter 9 (p. 176)

* When all the good ideas have been expended, I quoted to myself, one might as well try a bad one.
** Chapter 11 (p. 222)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Matthew Hughes (writer)}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hughes, Matthew}}
[[Category:Science fiction authors]]
[[Category:Novelists from Canada]]
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Liverpool]]
[[Category:Short story writers from Canada]]</text>
      <sha1>j9cg8d79jux9qiwyjvks8a3reapjja1</sha1>
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      <text bytes="14845" sha1="oksp8by7b61uqbtcxeptn99fjbn7zzh" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Saw X''}}
'''''[[w:Saw X|Saw X]]''''' is a 2023 American horror film. Hoping for a miraculous cure, John Kramer travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure, only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable. Armed with a newfound purpose, the infamous serial killer uses deranged and ingenious traps to turn the tables on the con artists.
:''Directed by [[w:Kevin Greutert|Kevin Greutert]]. Written by [[w:Peter Goldfinger|Peter Goldfinger]] and [[w:Josh Stolberg|Josh Stolberg]].
{{center|'''Witness the Return of Jigsaw.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==[[w:Jigsaw Killier|John Kramer/Jigsaw]]==
===Quotes===
* I still have a lot of work that needs to be done.
* [to Valentina] The wire saw inside of that box was invented by an Italian physician. Leonardo Gigli. It creates an extraordinarily clean-cut to the bone.
* ''[from a deleted scene]''  When I was a kid, my uncle used to take me fishing. Each lure attracted a different kind of fish. You went fishing too, didn't you, Cecelia? Phishing with a &quot;ph&quot;. It's the same concept: you trick your prey. You target the weak. What was the lure that you used to hook me? It was my life... My life. My desire to live another day.
* All of you. All of you... ''All'' of you. You promised dying people -- ''[at the top of his lungs]'' '''''DYING PEOPLE!!!''''' -- that you could save their lives. And in doing so, you took advantage of the only thing... that they still possessed: Hope.
* Valentina, follow my instructions if you want to live. There are more than five pounds of marrow in the human body. All you need is three ounces. There’s more than enough in your femur. Just suction it out, it’ll be transferred to that device right there and it will deactivate the saw around your neck. Don’t hesitate, because your time is prescribed.
* What's your life really mean to you, Parker? Have you ever thought about that? Because if you find the meaning of your life... what you've found is your soul.
* I promise you, Amanda, one way or another, it's all gonna work out according to plan.
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' You know, I really should've seen you coming. I've played so many games, and here I got played. Played!
* [to Gabriela who stopped John's audio tape] I'm afraid that's not going to work. You're going to have to play the game.
* [to Gabriela giving instructions to her game] Although you all pretended to cure my cancer, I have spent years in treatment. Chemotherapy, immunotherapy, radiation. Radiation machines are not to be trifled with. So, follow my instructions carefully, Gabriela.
* [to Gabriela] Broken bones heal. Flesh can be grafted. This will not be easy, but then, nothing worth having, like life, ever is.
* [to Carlos] You are a warrior, my boy. A ''warrior.''

===Tapes===
* [Promotional tape] ''Hello there. Thank you for reaching out. A very brave thing to do... I hear that, uh, you're looking for a restart -- a cleanse. But I must ask, are you sure this is the right path for you? What you are about to experience will truly put you to the test, a test unlike any other that you've faced before. If you'd still like to proceed... Simply text 'I want to play a game' to this phone number for your first challenge. Good luck.''
* ''I'd like to play a game. Perhaps one that addresses those sticky fingers of yours. I've had my eyes on you. And I do not like what I see. Your job as a custodian is a noble one: sanitizing and sterilizing the hospital. Helping patients avoid sickness. But there is a sickness inside you that needs to be excised. You have the ability to not only save your soul today... but your sight. All you have to do is click the dial across the five positions and you will live to see another day. You have sixty seconds.''
* ''Hello, Diego. Or should I call you Doctor Cortez? I'd like to play a game. Attached to your arms are two explosive devices—pipe bombs. Think of the explosives as a sort of.. cancer; a malignancy that must be cut out for you to survive. The blades cannot cut through the galvanized cable, but they can slice through flesh and muscle, allowing you to cut the cancer away. Live or die; the choice is yours.''
* ''Hello, Mateo. It's time to play a game. The rules are simple: place a big enough piece of your cerebral tissue into the glass enzyme tank, and you win. If you complete your task in less than three minutes, the enzymes will dissolve the tissue, and close a circuit. This will save your life. But know this: the brain is a remarkably resilient organ. There have been accounts of people undergoing complete anatomical hemispherectomies—half their brain removed—only to have it rewire itself, so that the patient not only survives, but thrives. The only thing I have not provided is your anesthetic. But trust me, you will want to remain alert. If you fail to act, the consequences will not go well for you. Do not waste time. Live or die; the choice is yours.''
* ''Cecilia Pederson, Parker Sears. You've each been working a grift. Playing a role, working together. Continuing to play out your scam, never realizing that you have been the marks all night long. You were given a chance for redemption. But at every turn, you chose ''death'' instead of life. You have played your last con game, but not your last ''game''. The two of you have worked together to destroy others. Now you'll work against... each other. Only one can survive. And the choice is yours.''

==Amanda Young==
* ''[To Valentina]'' You'll make it, so long as you keep your head.
* Walk in with a gun, get treated like a criminal.

==Cecilia Pederson==
* My father, Dr. Finn Pederson, was forced into hiding by corrupt governments and their relationship to Big Pharma. Why? Because my father was on the cusp of curing dozens of diseases, which means no more need for lifelong medication. Can you imagine what that implies? Well, the big drug companies certainly can.
* [after pulling out Valentina's intestines] We have a rope.
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' You're right about me: I'm a huge disappointment to my father. Great scientist, horrible dad. I grifted off his name. Shitting on his legacy was just a bonus, I'll admit that. I rob, and I steal, and I cheat. Money that's about to go to some government or someone's poor children, I don't care. I admit it. Why can't you admit to what you ''really'' are?
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' I once told you we're not so different, you and I, John, and I was right. We are liars, both of us. The only difference? I'm... I'm not a psychopath. Take a look around the fucking room, John! It's a slaughterhouse in here! How can you justify this?
* New game! It's called &quot;We Live, You Die, Fuck You&quot;. Simple enough.
* For a guy as smart as you are, John, you kind of overplayed your hand here, wouldn't you say?
* You wanna know what I thought, while I watched them each die? &quot;One less person to split the money with.&quot;
* God. Is that really all you've got left, John? When I realized who you really were... Jig-fucking-saw! I got a bit worried. God's honest. And now, the great John Kramer is gonna die in one of his own traps. There's some wicked irony. And the crazy thing is, that you could've just walked away! Acknowledge that you got beat. Got conned. But no... you just ''had'' to come back, didn't you?

==Others==
* '''Parker Sears:''' You guys are fucking sick.
* '''Mark Hoffman:''' Out of all the men to cheat, you pick John Kramer? I mean, I'd call that... epic bad luck.

==Dialogue==
:'''Parker Sears:''' Thyroid cancer. Advanced. You?
:'''John Kramer:''' Uh, brain.
:'''Sears:''' Ah. You win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Kramer:''' I, uh... I help people overcome inner obstacles. Help them make positive changes in their lives.
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Like a life coach, yeah?
:'''John Kramer:''' Something like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' John! What is this? We were only trying to help you.
:'''John Kramer:''' That game is over. And a new game is about to begin. ''[approaches Valentina]'' Valentina…, did my blood ever make it to the lab? Or… did you just suck it out and flush it down the drain somewhere?
:''[Valentina whimpers]''
:'''Mateo:''' Mr. Kramer, Mr. Kramer!
:''[John turns to Mateo]''
:'''Mateo:''' ''[pleading]'' Please, listen to me. I beg you. I beg you, please. Please. 
:''[John approaches Mateo]'' 
:'''Mateo:''' We have nothing to do with this. We didn’t know what was going on. ''[points to Cecilia]'' It was all her. She planned the whole thing.
:'''John Kramer:''' Mateo, I don’t even know if that’s your real name.
:'''Mateo:''' It is my real name.
:'''John Kramer:''' ''[sarcastically]'' It is, oh? ‘Cause they have never heard of you at the hospital.
:'''Mateo:''' She told me to say that I worked there. But I don’t. I’m sorry.
:'''John Kramer:''' Mm-hm. ''[ignoring Mateo]''
:'''Mateo:''' Please wait. Let me explain.
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[calling out]'' Mr. Kramer!
:''[John turns to Gabriela]''
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[sincerely]'' I-I meant no harm...
:'''John Kramer:''' I would really like to believe you, Gabriela...
:''[Gabriela sobs]''
:'''John Kramer:''' ...You'll have a chance to prove yourself.
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[sobbing]'' ''Por favor, por favor''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John sets up Valentina's game, revealing a wire saw inside the box]'' 
:'''John Kramer:''' The key to your freedom is inside that box.
:'''Valentina:''' What the hell is that?
:'''John Kramer:''' It’s a Gigli saw.
:'''Valentina:''' I thought you said there was a key?
:'''Amanda Young:''' He was speaking metaphorically, He does that a lot.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[glares at Amanda]'' When I get out of here, I’m gonna kill both of you ''motherfuckers''!
:'''Amanda Young:''' That’s a good plan. You’re gonna wanna really listen carefully to the rules in order to pull that off.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[lunges at Amanda]'' Fuck you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John and Amanda continue their instructions to Valentina's game]'' 
:'''Amanda Young:''' The dotted line on your leg marks the spot.
:'''Valentina:''' Are you fucking crazy? What makes you think I’d fucking cut off my own leg?
:'''John Kramer:''' Because if you don’t, the wire saw that’s wrapped around your neck will first cut into your skin, then your vertebral ligaments and finally, it’ll sever your spinal cord.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[whimpering]'' No!
:'''Amanda Young:''' The CliffsNotes version? ''[whispering to Valentina]'' It’s gonna cut your head off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valentina:''' Please... Please don't do this. Please-- Please help me! Please...
:'''John Kramer:''' That's exactly what we are doing, Valentina. This is not retribution. It's a reawakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Please, John! This is not right...
:'''John Kramer:''' &quot;Not right&quot;? A lecture in moral decency? From ''you?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' Sometimes, we get sucked into things that... are against our nature. Drugs are as vicious as they are powerful.
:'''John Kramer:''' We all have free will. Gabriela had her own free will. And if you can't handle this, how will you handle the rest of our work?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Kramer:''' Right now, Amanda, these people deserve to be tested.
:'''Amanda Young:''' That lady doctor? Deserves nothing.
:'''John Kramer:''' Everyone deserves a chance. An opportunity to redeem themselves. You should know that more than anyone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gabriela:''' Help me! Help me, help me, help me--
:'''Amanda Young:''' Believe it or not? I just did. You were next.
:'''Gabriela:''' He's a monster, he's gonna kill you the same way he's gonna kill all of us, please.
:'''Amanda Young:''' You don't know John. If you want any more of my help, keep your mouth shut about that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[from a deleted scene]''
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Is this madness?!
:'''John Kramer:''' Perhaps. [[w: Hamlet | But in it, there is method.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mateo:''' I don't know what the fuck all of these things are! Medical supplies, I think, and-- And there's a fucking bonecutter?
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' The craniotome...
:'''Mateo:''' I don't care what the fucking thing is ''called'', Cecilia!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' What if there ''is'' something her ''[Cecilia's]'' father can do to help you?
:'''John Kramer''': Amanda, you know as well as I do, people will say almost anything to save their own life.
:'''Amanda Young:''' Yeah, but her father's real. We both know that.
:'''John Kramer''': Amanda, the reality is... I'm dying. I am dying. You have to face that. But our work's not gonna end. And I'm just... trusting you... to carry on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[from a deleted scene]''
:'''John Kramer''': I'm just a healer.
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' ''[she laughs]'' Right. And [[w: John Wayne Gacy | John Wayne Gacy]] was just a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' So tell me, John: You've been doing this for a very long time, haven't you? How did ''I'' stop you? Am I just that good?
:'''John Kramer''': Don't flatter yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Cecilia puts Carlos in the trap.]''
:'''John Kramer:''' This is not right! It's not right...
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Oh, really? A lecture on moral decency from ''you?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' Are you okay?
:'''John Kramer''': Not exactly as we planned it, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry Kessler''': Please... John, please. Please don't kill me!
:'''John Kramer''': That's the last thing that you should be worried about. Now... I want to play a game.

==Taglines==
* Witness the Return of Jigsaw.
* The Tenth Chapter Cuts Through Time.

==Cast==
* [[w: Tobin Bell | Tobin Bell]] - [[w: Jigsaw (Saw character)|John Kramer / Jigsaw]]
* [[w: Shawnee Smith | Shawnee Smith]] - [[w: Amanda Young | Amanda Young]]
* [[w: Synnøve Macody Lund| Synnøve Macody Lund]] - Cecilia Pederson
* [[w: Steven Brand | Steven Brand]] - Parker Sears
* [[w: Renata Vaca | Renata Vaca]] - Gabriela
* [[w: Joshua Okamoto | Joshua Okamoto]] - Diego
* Octavio Hinojosa - Mateo
* [[w: Paulette Hernández | Paulette Hernández]] - Valentina
* Jorge Briseño - Carlos
* [[w: Costas Mandylor | Costas Mandylor]] - [[w: Mark Hoffman | Mark Hoffman]] 
* [[w: Michael Beach | Michael Beach]] - Henry Kessler
* Isan Beomhyun Lee - Custodian
* Dave Alfano - Doctor
* [[w: Katie Barberi | Katie Barberi]] - Cancer Support Group Leader
* Lucía Gómez-Robledo - MRI Technician
* Donagh Gordon - Dr. Finn Pederson

==See also==
{{Saw}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=21807222|title=Saw X}}

[[Category:2023 films]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Splatter films]]
[[Category:Technology films]]</text>
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      <text bytes="14845" sha1="pa3v0xdkvlqw5iaxk457peqq148tsmi" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Saw X''}}
'''''[[w:Saw X|Saw X]]''''' is a 2023 American horror film. Hoping for a miraculous cure, John Kramer travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure, only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable. Armed with a newfound purpose, the infamous serial killer uses deranged and ingenious traps to turn the tables on the con artists.
:''Directed by [[w:Kevin Greutert|Kevin Greutert]]. Written by [[w:Peter Goldfinger|Peter Goldfinger]] and [[w:Josh Stolberg|Josh Stolberg]].
{{center|'''Witness the Return of Jigsaw.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==[[w:Jigsaw Killier|John Kramer/Jigsaw]]==
===Quotes===
* I still have a lot of work that needs to be done.
* [to Valentina] The wire saw inside of that box was invented by an Italian physician, Leonardo Gigli. It creates an extraordinarily clean-cut to the bone.
* ''[from a deleted scene]''  When I was a kid, my uncle used to take me fishing. Each lure attracted a different kind of fish. You went fishing too, didn't you, Cecilia? Phishing with a &quot;ph&quot;. It's the same concept: you trick your prey. You target the weak. What was the lure that you used to hook me? It was my life... My life. My desire to live another day.
* All of you. All of you... ''All'' of you. You promised dying people -- ''[at the top of his lungs]'' '''''DYING PEOPLE!!!''''' -- that you could save their lives. And in doing so, you took advantage of the only thing... that they still possessed: Hope.
* Valentina, follow my instructions if you want to live. There are more than five pounds of marrow in the human body. All you need is three ounces. There’s more than enough in your femur. Just suction it out, it’ll be transferred to that device right there and it will deactivate the saw around your neck. Don’t hesitate, because your time is prescribed.
* What's your life really mean to you, Parker? Have you ever thought about that? Because if you find the meaning of your life... what you've found is your soul.
* I promise you, Amanda, one way or another, it's all gonna work out according to plan.
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' You know, I really should've seen you coming. I've played so many games, and here I got played. Played!
* [to Gabriela who stopped John's audio tape] I'm afraid that's not going to work. You're going to have to play the game.
* [to Gabriela giving instructions to her game] Although you all pretended to cure my cancer, I have spent years in treatment. Chemotherapy, immunotherapy, radiation. Radiation machines are not to be trifled with. So, follow my instructions carefully, Gabriela.
* [to Gabriela] Broken bones heal. Flesh can be grafted. This will not be easy, but then, nothing worth having, like life, ever is.
* [to Carlos] You are a warrior, my boy. A ''warrior.''

===Tapes===
* [Promotional tape] ''Hello there. Thank you for reaching out. A very brave thing to do... I hear that, uh, you're looking for a restart -- a cleanse. But I must ask, are you sure this is the right path for you? What you are about to experience will truly put you to the test, a test unlike any other that you've faced before. If you'd still like to proceed... Simply text 'I want to play a game' to this phone number for your first challenge. Good luck.''
* ''I'd like to play a game. Perhaps one that addresses those sticky fingers of yours. I've had my eyes on you. And I do not like what I see. Your job as a custodian is a noble one: sanitizing and sterilizing the hospital. Helping patients avoid sickness. But there is a sickness inside you that needs to be excised. You have the ability to not only save your soul today... but your sight. All you have to do is click the dial across the five positions and you will live to see another day. You have sixty seconds.''
* ''Hello, Diego. Or should I call you Doctor Cortez? I'd like to play a game. Attached to your arms are two explosive devices—pipe bombs. Think of the explosives as a sort of.. cancer; a malignancy that must be cut out for you to survive. The blades cannot cut through the galvanized cable, but they can slice through flesh and muscle, allowing you to cut the cancer away. Live or die; the choice is yours.''
* ''Hello, Mateo. It's time to play a game. The rules are simple: place a big enough piece of your cerebral tissue into the glass enzyme tank, and you win. If you complete your task in less than three minutes, the enzymes will dissolve the tissue, and close a circuit. This will save your life. But know this: the brain is a remarkably resilient organ. There have been accounts of people undergoing complete anatomical hemispherectomies—half their brain removed—only to have it rewire itself, so that the patient not only survives, but thrives. The only thing I have not provided is your anesthetic. But trust me, you will want to remain alert. If you fail to act, the consequences will not go well for you. Do not waste time. Live or die; the choice is yours.''
* ''Cecilia Pederson, Parker Sears. You've each been working a grift. Playing a role, working together. Continuing to play out your scam, never realizing that you have been the marks all night long. You were given a chance for redemption. But at every turn, you chose ''death'' instead of life. You have played your last con game, but not your last ''game''. The two of you have worked together to destroy others. Now you'll work against... each other. Only one can survive. And the choice is yours.''

==Amanda Young==
* ''[To Valentina]'' You'll make it, so long as you keep your head.
* Walk in with a gun, get treated like a criminal.

==Cecilia Pederson==
* My father, Dr. Finn Pederson, was forced into hiding by corrupt governments and their relationship to Big Pharma. Why? Because my father was on the cusp of curing dozens of diseases, which means no more need for lifelong medication. Can you imagine what that implies? Well, the big drug companies certainly can.
* [after pulling out Valentina's intestines] We have a rope.
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' You're right about me: I'm a huge disappointment to my father. Great scientist, horrible dad. I grifted off his name. Shitting on his legacy was just a bonus, I'll admit that. I rob, and I steal, and I cheat. Money that's about to go to some government or someone's poor children, I don't care. I admit it. Why can't you admit to what you ''really'' are?
* ''[in a deleted scene]'' I once told you we're not so different, you and I, John, and I was right. We are liars, both of us. The only difference? I'm... I'm not a psychopath. Take a look around the fucking room, John! It's a slaughterhouse in here! How can you justify this?
* New game! It's called &quot;We Live, You Die, Fuck You&quot;. Simple enough.
* For a guy as smart as you are, John, you kind of overplayed your hand here, wouldn't you say?
* You wanna know what I thought, while I watched them each die? &quot;One less person to split the money with.&quot;
* God. Is that really all you've got left, John? When I realized who you really were... Jig-fucking-saw! I got a bit worried. God's honest. And now, the great John Kramer is gonna die in one of his own traps. There's some wicked irony. And the crazy thing is, that you could've just walked away! Acknowledge that you got beat. Got conned. But no... you just ''had'' to come back, didn't you?

==Others==
* '''Parker Sears:''' You guys are fucking sick.
* '''Mark Hoffman:''' Out of all the men to cheat, you pick John Kramer? I mean, I'd call that... epic bad luck.

==Dialogue==
:'''Parker Sears:''' Thyroid cancer. Advanced. You?
:'''John Kramer:''' Uh, brain.
:'''Sears:''' Ah. You win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Kramer:''' I, uh... I help people overcome inner obstacles. Help them make positive changes in their lives.
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Like a life coach, yeah?
:'''John Kramer:''' Something like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' John! What is this? We were only trying to help you.
:'''John Kramer:''' That game is over. And a new game is about to begin. ''[approaches Valentina]'' Valentina…, did my blood ever make it to the lab? Or… did you just suck it out and flush it down the drain somewhere?
:''[Valentina whimpers]''
:'''Mateo:''' Mr. Kramer, Mr. Kramer!
:''[John turns to Mateo]''
:'''Mateo:''' ''[pleading]'' Please, listen to me. I beg you. I beg you, please. Please. 
:''[John approaches Mateo]'' 
:'''Mateo:''' We have nothing to do with this. We didn’t know what was going on. ''[points to Cecilia]'' It was all her. She planned the whole thing.
:'''John Kramer:''' Mateo, I don’t even know if that’s your real name.
:'''Mateo:''' It is my real name.
:'''John Kramer:''' ''[sarcastically]'' It is, oh? ‘Cause they have never heard of you at the hospital.
:'''Mateo:''' She told me to say that I worked there. But I don’t. I’m sorry.
:'''John Kramer:''' Mm-hm. ''[ignoring Mateo]''
:'''Mateo:''' Please wait. Let me explain.
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[calling out]'' Mr. Kramer!
:''[John turns to Gabriela]''
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[sincerely]'' I-I meant no harm...
:'''John Kramer:''' I would really like to believe you, Gabriela...
:''[Gabriela sobs]''
:'''John Kramer:''' ...You'll have a chance to prove yourself.
:'''Gabriela:''' ''[sobbing]'' ''Por favor, por favor''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John sets up Valentina's game, revealing a wire saw inside the box]'' 
:'''John Kramer:''' The key to your freedom is inside that box.
:'''Valentina:''' What the hell is that?
:'''John Kramer:''' It’s a Gigli saw.
:'''Valentina:''' I thought you said there was a key?
:'''Amanda Young:''' He was speaking metaphorically, He does that a lot.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[glares at Amanda]'' When I get out of here, I’m gonna kill both of you ''motherfuckers''!
:'''Amanda Young:''' That’s a good plan. You’re gonna wanna really listen carefully to the rules in order to pull that off.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[lunges at Amanda]'' Fuck you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[John and Amanda continue their instructions to Valentina's game]'' 
:'''Amanda Young:''' The dotted line on your leg marks the spot.
:'''Valentina:''' Are you fucking crazy? What makes you think I’d fucking cut off my own leg?
:'''John Kramer:''' Because if you don’t, the wire saw that’s wrapped around your neck will first cut into your skin, then your vertebral ligaments and finally, it’ll sever your spinal cord.
:'''Valentina:''' ''[whimpering]'' No!
:'''Amanda Young:''' The CliffsNotes version? ''[whispering to Valentina]'' It’s gonna cut your head off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valentina:''' Please... Please don't do this. Please-- Please help me! Please...
:'''John Kramer:''' That's exactly what we are doing, Valentina. This is not retribution. It's a reawakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Please, John! This is not right...
:'''John Kramer:''' &quot;Not right&quot;? A lecture in moral decency? From ''you?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' Sometimes, we get sucked into things that... are against our nature. Drugs are as vicious as they are powerful.
:'''John Kramer:''' We all have free will. Gabriela had her own free will. And if you can't handle this, how will you handle the rest of our work?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Kramer:''' Right now, Amanda, these people deserve to be tested.
:'''Amanda Young:''' That lady doctor? Deserves nothing.
:'''John Kramer:''' Everyone deserves a chance. An opportunity to redeem themselves. You should know that more than anyone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gabriela:''' Help me! Help me, help me, help me--
:'''Amanda Young:''' Believe it or not? I just did. You were next.
:'''Gabriela:''' He's a monster, he's gonna kill you the same way he's gonna kill all of us, please.
:'''Amanda Young:''' You don't know John. If you want any more of my help, keep your mouth shut about that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[from a deleted scene]''
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Is this madness?!
:'''John Kramer:''' Perhaps. [[w: Hamlet | But in it, there is method.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mateo:''' I don't know what the fuck all of these things are! Medical supplies, I think, and-- And there's a fucking bonecutter?
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' The craniotome...
:'''Mateo:''' I don't care what the fucking thing is ''called'', Cecilia!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' What if there ''is'' something her ''[Cecilia's]'' father can do to help you?
:'''John Kramer''': Amanda, you know as well as I do, people will say almost anything to save their own life.
:'''Amanda Young:''' Yeah, but her father's real. We both know that.
:'''John Kramer''': Amanda, the reality is... I'm dying. I am dying. You have to face that. But our work's not gonna end. And I'm just... trusting you... to carry on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[from a deleted scene]''
:'''John Kramer''': I'm just a healer.
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' ''[she laughs]'' Right. And [[w: John Wayne Gacy | John Wayne Gacy]] was just a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' So tell me, John: You've been doing this for a very long time, haven't you? How did ''I'' stop you? Am I just that good?
:'''John Kramer''': Don't flatter yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[While Cecilia puts Carlos in the trap.]''
:'''John Kramer:''' This is not right! It's not right...
:'''Cecilia Pederson:''' Oh, really? A lecture on moral decency from ''you?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amanda Young:''' Are you okay?
:'''John Kramer''': Not exactly as we planned it, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henry Kessler''': Please... John, please. Please don't kill me!
:'''John Kramer''': That's the last thing that you should be worried about. Now... I want to play a game.

==Taglines==
* Witness the Return of Jigsaw.
* The Tenth Chapter Cuts Through Time.

==Cast==
* [[w: Tobin Bell | Tobin Bell]] - [[w: Jigsaw (Saw character)|John Kramer / Jigsaw]]
* [[w: Shawnee Smith | Shawnee Smith]] - [[w: Amanda Young | Amanda Young]]
* [[w: Synnøve Macody Lund| Synnøve Macody Lund]] - Cecilia Pederson
* [[w: Steven Brand | Steven Brand]] - Parker Sears
* [[w: Renata Vaca | Renata Vaca]] - Gabriela
* [[w: Joshua Okamoto | Joshua Okamoto]] - Diego
* Octavio Hinojosa - Mateo
* [[w: Paulette Hernández | Paulette Hernández]] - Valentina
* Jorge Briseño - Carlos
* [[w: Costas Mandylor | Costas Mandylor]] - [[w: Mark Hoffman | Mark Hoffman]] 
* [[w: Michael Beach | Michael Beach]] - Henry Kessler
* Isan Beomhyun Lee - Custodian
* Dave Alfano - Doctor
* [[w: Katie Barberi | Katie Barberi]] - Cancer Support Group Leader
* Lucía Gómez-Robledo - MRI Technician
* Donagh Gordon - Dr. Finn Pederson

==See also==
{{Saw}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=21807222|title=Saw X}}

[[Category:2023 films]]
[[Category:Psychological horror films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Splatter films]]
[[Category:Technology films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)</title>
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      <text bytes="154200" sha1="bihaqs6txaahydz37et1xtk1ttejept" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)|1]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 2)|2]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 3)|3 Enter the Shadow Realm]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)|4 Waking the Dragons]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 5)|5 Grand Championship, Capsule Monsters and Dawn of the Duel]] | '''Movies''': [[Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie: Pyramid of Light]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Dark Side of Dimensions|The Dark Side of Dimensions]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh!: Bonds Beyond Time|Bonds Beyond Time]] | [[Yu-Gi-Oh!|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'''''.

==''A New Evil''==
* This is the 2-part fourth season premiere.

===''Part 1''===
*This marks the debut appearance of Dartz and his henchmen Gurimo, Alister, Rafael and Valon.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Ever hear of stepping aside?!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Yeah! What's your problem?
:'''Gurimo''': The problem should be yours when I strip you two fools of your souls.
:'''Rex Raptor''': Does the Grim Reaper know you've raided his wardrobe?
:'''Gurimo''': ''[his eyes glow green, explaining the Orichalcos]'' ''Quod valedico vestrum animus.''
:'''Rex Raptor''': Say what?!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I-I think you just got him mad!
:'''Gurimo''': Rise on your feet and Duel! ''[activates his Chaos Duel Disk and Weevil and Rex scream in terror off-screen]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great deities of domination, i call upon thee. Use the pharaoh's force to penetrate the dominion of the beasts and liberate the fury of 10,000 years.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gurimo''': Your fate is now sealed.

===''Part 2''===
* [[w:Rebecca Hawkins|Rebecca Hawkins]]

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': Looks like someone needs a rest.
:'''Valon''': The boss warned us that the Egyptian God Cards and the magic of the Orichalcos might not mix so well, didn't he?
:'''Alister''': I think that geezer's just getting too old for this.
:'''Rafael''': Well, that's why we made him Duel first, right? To test the Pharaoh's strength.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Now why does all these weird stuff always happen to us? ''[Yugi is silent]'' You've gotta admit, it's true.
:''[Rebecca runs up to meet Yugi]''
:'''Rebecca''': Yugi! ''[Hugs Yugi]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[Very surprised]'' Uh, hey....you!
:'''Rebecca''': Oh no, don't tell me you forgot about me already!
:'''Tristan''': Yet another weird event to add to the list.
:'''Joey''': And this one tops them all.
:'''Tristan''': It's probably best if we don't interfere!
:'''Tea''': ''[Leaning towards Yugi]'' Do you know this person, Yugi?
:'''Yugi''': Um, I don't think so.
:'''Rebecca''': Maybe this will refresh your memory! ''[Holds up a card]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[After flashback]'' Ah, Rebecca!
:'''Joey''': It's that brat!
:'''Rebecca''': Hi! ''[Big smile; waves her hand]''
:'''Joey''': Wait, she looks different. Did she get a haircut or something?
:'''Tristan''': No dude, she traded her teddy bear for glasses.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[Hugs Yugi]'' I don't need a bear... now that I've got a boyfriend to protect me!
:'''Tea''': Um, excuse me? A boyfriend!?
:'''Rebecca''': ''[Another hug]'' My grandpa is also really excited to see you Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Professor Hawkins?
:'''Rebecca''': Yeah, he's waiting at the Museum.
:'''Tea''': Grrr... ''[Anime vein throb]''
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Arthur''': Remarkable, Isn't it?
:'''Solomon''': That's my boy.
:'''Yugi''': Hey, guys!
:'''Arthur''': Yugi Muto. You're just the person i need to see. I have a theory that all of these monster sightings have something to do with you.
:'''Yugi''': Huh.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': Here we are, gang, Home, sweet home.
:'''Rafael''': Wait til the boss hears we found the Pharaoh.

==''Legend of the Dragons''==
* This marks the debut appearance of Timaeus.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': We located the Pharaoh, Master. Unfortunately, we weren't able to capture his soul.
:'''Dartz''': I didn't expect you to defeat him this soon. We've just begun.
:'''Rafael''': But you know me, Master. I never come back empty handed. ''[walks forward with a small wooden box, and opens it to reveal the three Egyptian God Cards inside]''
:'''Dartz''': Excellent, the Egyptian Gods. ''[reaches out and takes the three cards in his hand]'' At long last. I've waited an eternity to hold their power in my hands. ''[the cards begin glowing]'' I finally possess the supreme force necessary to awaken the Great Beast! ''[walks to the altar at the far end of the temple]'' Soon we shall rid the Earth of mankind, and rebuild civilization as it once was! ''[places the Egyptian God Cards in the mouths of three huge stone serpents, with Ra in the middle, Slifer on the right and Obelisk on the left]'' Serpents of the Orichalcos, please hear my call! ''[raises his hands in worship]'' I offer thee the Gods of Egypt! Use their divine might to unlock the sacred chamber of the Great Beast! Awaken him from his ancient slumber by accepting my offering! 
:''[Dartz laughs evilly as the three cards emanate a powerful beam of energy, which then shoots up past the temple roof and into the sky, culminating in an explosion of white light which clears to reveal an array of multicoloured lights floating in the sky]'' 
:'''Dartz''': The time has arrived, my friends. Finally, after ten thousand years, the Great Leviathan shall rise again!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dark Magician Girl''': We’ve only just begun. The great beast is still weak so he retreated for the moment. And for that my companions and I are truly my Pharaoh. But many of us remain prisoners on the other side.
:'''Yugi''': What’s next?
:'''Dark Magician Girl''': The great beast will return again… and his power will grow! He must be stopped before he is fully restored! Time is running out!

==''The Creator Returns''==
:'''Dartz''': Rafael!
:'''Rafael''': Yes, Master Dartz. ''[kneels before Dartz]'' I know what to do. I'll find the Pharaoh. And this time, I'll make sure we drain his power to feed the Great Beast, sir.
:'''Dartz''': Why don't you try listening? It's really a wonderful skill. ''[turns around]'' And when you master it, you'll realise that we need more than just the Pharaoh's soul!
:'''Alister''': Then we'll deal with the others too. I'll take Kaiba.
:'''Valon''': I got my eye on someone too. That feisty little bloke Joey Wheeler. ''[laughs]'' He should be fun to take apart.
:'''Alister''': I know why you're after Wheeler.
:'''Valon''': Mind your own business, Alister! What about you? Why the sudden interest in Kaiba?
:'''Alister''': Look, I have my reasons, Valon.
:'''Valon''': Really?!
:'''Rafael''': Knock it off! We're in the presence of Master Dartz!
:'''Dartz''': The Pharaoh and his friends are on his way to speak with the one we've been watching. Just make certain that you reach him before they do. 
:'''Rafael''': Pegasus?
:'''Dartz''': And to think, I called you a bad listener. Now go see Pegasus at once!
:''[Alister and Valon join Rafael in kneeling before Dartz]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': I can’t believe the very monsters I made famous and now terrorising people around the world. Oh. Talk about bad publicity.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Do you always talk to yourself like that?
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': ''[turns looks at the window shelf a strange figure is Mai Valentine]'' Huh?
:'''Mai Valentine''': You got to get yourself some friends, honey.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': But how did you get past my security?
:'''Mai Valentine''': I guess your office isn’t as secure as you think it is, money bags.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': I know you, you’re Mai Valentine. Tell me, why did you come here?
:'''Mai Valentine''': Good question. I came here to duel you. And to take your soul.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': '''NOOOOO!'''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': Why the long face, Mai? You just accomplished your first mission with flying colors.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Yeah, i know, Valon. But defeating Maximilion Pegasus meant nothing to me.
:'''Valon''': Huh?
:'''Mai Valentine''': There's only one person out there i need to take apart, and that chump is Joey Wheeler.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Yugi and his friends at the airport]''
:'''Yugi''': I'll see you soon, Grandpa.
:'''Solomon''': Take care, Yugi. And don't forget to keep your seats upright during takeoff. And don't fill up on peanuts.
:'''Yugi''': Sure, bye, Grandpa.
:'''Tea Gardner''': Well, we're off.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Thanks for the ride.
:'''Solomon''': You kids be careful, now!
:''[Weevil and Rex are sneaking to followed Yugi and his friends to hiding in the bag.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''': Kaiba boy! I missed you!

==''Deja Duel!''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Mokuba''': Seto, We're approaching Duelist Kingdom.
:'''Seto''': I'll try to make this quick. The less time i spend here, the better.
:'''Mokuba''': Me, too. This place has nothing but bad memories.
:'''Seto''': Initiate the landing sequence now.
:'''Mokuba''': You got it.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''': I just haven't been myself lately. in fact... ''[in Alister's voice]'' I mean that quite literally.
:'''Mokuba''': What's going on?
:'''Alister''': Surprise! ''[chuckling]''
:''[he rips himself off, revealing Alister]''
:'''Alister''':  I've waited for this day for a long time, Kaiba-boy.
:'''Seto''': You're gonna pay for tricking me like that!
:'''Alister''': ''[as Pegasus' voice]'' Pretty good imitation, right?  
:'''Seto''': Identify yourself.
:'''Alister''': ''[normal voice]'' Alister's the name, Kaiba boy! Now let's duel!! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Seto''': ''[growl]''
:'''Alister''': ''[draw the card]'' Hm. ''[holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' This magic card is about to change everything. Activating the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Seto''': What's that?
:'''Mokuba''': This is nuts!
:'''Seto''': Explain yourself now!
:'''Alister''': Oh, as if you're gonna believe me?
:'''Seto''': Try me.
:'''Alister''': We're trapped in here till the duel's over. Then once i crush you, i'll be able to get out. Hmm. Of course, you on the other hand won't be quite as lucky as myself Kaiba boy.
:'''Seto''': What do you mean?
:'''Alister''': When you lose, your soul will be locked away for all eternity... But this time, you won't be set free!
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 2''===
* This marks the only appearance of Alister's brother Mikey in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': It used to be my brother's! But I’ll see him again… 'cause your father took him away from me!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

==''An Unexpected Enemy''==
* [[w:Mai Valentine|Mai Valentine]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Someone out there likes to crash parties. Let's find out who. ''[drives off]''
:'''Valon''': I already know. And I know just where she's going too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai''': You heard me. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#The Creator Returns|she and Pegasus' duel at Industrial Illusions]].]'' Alright, gang. ''[holds up the card is Maximillion Pegasus' soul is captured by the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Say hello to Pegasus.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Tristan''': Whoa... Is that really him?
:'''Téa''': Ah... Question: Did you do that to him?
:'''Joey''': Look! You better start talking!
:'''Valon''': ''[offscreen]'' or else what!?
:'''Joey''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Joey, Yami Yugi, Téa and Tristan spots at Valon and Rafael on top]''
:'''Valon''': What's the matter, Wheeler, did your little reunion with Mai not go as well as you expected it to do? ''[to Mai]'' And you! Why are you keeping these guys all for yourself, Mai? Why don't you show some manners and share the fun with us?
:'''Mai''': Mind your own business, you lackey. These geeks are mine, so deal with it.
:'''Joey''': Geeks!? But we're your friends, Mai. ''[flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_3)#One_for_the_Road|Joey and Mai after the battle city finals]].]'' Please, Mai, tell me this is all a joke! You're on ''our'' side, remember?!
:'''Tristan''': Great. Mai totally sold us out!
:'''Téa''': No! Mai would never do that! Tell him. You're still our friend, right?
:'''Yami-Yugi''': Time to explain yourself.
:'''Mai''': I was never a part of your little playgroup. And now I'm gonna break you apart one-by-one. ''[activates her chaos duel disk]'' And Wheeler… I'm starting with you!
:'''Joey''': Fine!
:'''Mai''': It's payback time, and it all starts, now! And to think, I was once pathetic enough to call you my friend. But now I know the truth! You were holding me back from achieving true power! So say hello to my real friend… THE SEAL OF ORICHALCOS! This card's done for me than you losers ever could! ''[activates the card, sealing herself and Joey in it]''
:'''Yami-Yugi''': No! Not this!
:'''Mai''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' If you're scared now, just wait till you lose.
:'''Joey''': Wake up, Mai! This thing's nothing but bad news! It's messing up your head, big time! Don't you remember everything we've been through together? Just ditch that freaky card, and things can be that way they use to be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami-Yugi''': It's exactly as I feared. The Orichalcos controls her! This duel must end.
:'''Téa''': Otherwise, she's gonna do the same thing to Joey that she did to Pegasus!

==''My Freaky Valentine''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Mai''': What are you waiting for, Wheeler?
:'''Joey''': I'm waiting for you to come to your senses!
:'''Tristan''': She's lost it. How can she side with the enemy?!
:'''Téa''': It's all because of that Orichalcos thing!
:'''Pharaoh''': Now, one of them will lose their soul.
:'''Téa''': No, you can't do this! Don't you see you're letting that magic card control you, Mai! You're putting your own life in danger!
:'''Yugi''': They can't go through with this! We've got to do something!
:'''Pharaoh''': But the Puzzle is powerless against that seal.
:'''Valon''': Ey, Pharaoh! Quit mumblin' to yourself down there, will ya? In case you didn't realize this last time, nothing can break the Seal of Orichalcos! Once it appears, it doesn't disappear until a soul's been captured! 
:'''Rafael''': And don't think you're off the hook, Pharaoh. As soon as the girl takes your friend's soul, I'm takin' yours.
:'''Mai''': Get back in your cage, gorilla boy! When I'm done with Wheeler… Yugi belongs to me!
:'''Pharaoh''': But why?
:'''Téa''': She's nuts!
:'''Rafael''': I never liked her. No respect. Any more lip from Mai and she's next.
:'''Valon''': Aw, give the girl a break, will ya? She's still new at all this, mate. Plus, she's kinda cute when she gets mad, don't ya think?
:'''Rafael''': Uh, no.
:'''Mai''': When are you gonna make your move, hotshot? This year would be nice. 
:'''Joey''': What did I say?! I'm not gonna duel against you, Mai! 
:'''Mai''': Afraid you're not good enough? Afraid you're gonna lose like you did in Battle City?! I shoulda known you'd back down!
:'''Joey''': Actually, I'm afraid I'm gonna win. 'Cause if I do… You're gonna pay for it by givin' up your soul! 
:'''Mai''': I have no soul!
:'''Téa''': ''[shocked by what Mai said]'' You hear that?!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:''[Mai activates her Nightmare Tri-Mirror trap card to transform the reflection of Joey's Scapegoats into four more Harpie Ladies, giving her a total of six Harpie Ladies on her side of the field]''
:'''Tristan''': Wait just a second, she can't have six monsters in play!
:'''Pharaoh''': Remember, Tristan, thanks to the Seal of Orichalcos, Mai is allowed to have up to ''ten'' monsters on the field at once.
:'''Tristan''': D'oh! Stupid magic thing!
:'''Mai''': Now this is what I call, &quot;girl power!&quot; You're up against six Haripe Ladies all enhanced with the power of my magic card! I place one card facedown on the field. It was nice knowin' ya! I've got six Harpie Ladies and one big magic circle, and we all agree you're in over your head, Wheeler. Lucky for you, it's your move or I'd finish you off right now. So what's it gonna be?
:'''Tristan''': There's nothing he can do! Mai backed Joey into a corner and now he's stuck there!
:'''Yugi''': Tristan's got a point. If Joey doesn't do something quick, Mai is gonna win the duel!
:'''Pharaoh''': That's true. And as long as the Seal of Orichalcos is on the field, Mai has all sorts of advantages. It even seems as though there are certain magic and trap cards that only she is allowed to use.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:'''Joey''': I summon Panther Warrior in attack mode! Now, I sacrifice one scapegoat so my panther can attack!
:'''Mai''': I reveal my facedown card! Harpie Lady Sparrow Formation!
:'''Joey''': What?!
:'''Mai''': My Harpie Ladies have all joined forces to repel your attack!
:'''Tristan''': Mai didn't have that card back in Battle City.
:'''Téa''': You're right.
:'''Pharaoh''': It seems as though she's gone through more than a few changes since the last time we saw her-- including a stronger deck!
:'''Joey''': Look, Mai... I don't know what kind of spell these guys put on ya but you gotta wake up! Otherwise we're both gonna be in pretty big trouble! 
:'''Mai''': What spell!? No one's controlling me! ''[looks up on Valon and Rafael]'' Those two lackeys up there couldn't control my left pinky. I was sick of my life... So I chose to change it!
:''[Téa, Tristan and the Pharaoh gasps]''
:'''Joey''': ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Téa''': How could you!?
:'''Mai''': You guys wouldn't understand. You've never been an outsider like me... All alone. Duel monsters is all I have. And after [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 3)|the Battle City tournament]] I set out to become the best. I duel against chump after chump to improve my dueling skills. I needed to make a name for myself.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': I stopped whining like a loser and started taking control! Now nothing can stop me!
:'''Joey''': I never knew you felt that way. Why didn't you tell us you were so unhappy? We could've helped you, Mai!
:'''Mai''': SAVE IT! I don't need your kind of help! All I need now is power! And I'm about to unleash all of it on ''you!'' ''[draws]'' I play Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation! Since I have six Harpies on the field, it lets me destroy up to six of your monsters!
:'''Tristan''': Hold on! Joey's only got three left!
:'''Téa''': That means once Mai's Harpie Ladies attack, he'll be defenseless!
:'''Pharaoh''': That's not all. Mai's magic card will also subtract the sum of Joey's monsters' attack points from ''his'' Life Points.
:'''Mai''': Now, Harpie Ladies… unite and destroy every one of his monsters! Say goodbye to your three monsters, Wheeler! Someone is one attack away from losing their soul and I don't think it's me, sweetheart. Any last requests?
:'''Tristan''': Mai's got 4000 points! She hasn't even lost one! And Joey's down to his last 200! Not to mention the fact that he's out of monsters!
:'''Téa''': If he doesn't think of something right now, he's gonna lose the duel!

===''Part 2''===
:'''Yugi''': There is a way for Joey to end this duel without someone getting hurt, isn't there?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, but it won't be easy. The Seal of Orichalcos is powerful. However, it does have limitations. It can only capture a soul when a duelist loses, and there it lies the secret to escaping its wrath.
:'''Yugi''': I don't get it.
:'''Pharaoh''': Let's hope Joey does.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': It's a regalia party, What are you guys doing here?
:'''Weevil''': It’s that magic circle!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Joey picked his own trap card in the middle, canceling Mai's attack]''
:'''Tristan''': I knew he could do it!
:'''Téa''': You go!
:'''Weevil''': Now that's luck.
:'''Rex''': Yeah, next time I play Bingo, I'm bringin' him!
:'''Valon''': Well, there goes your theory.
:'''Joey''': Looks like your last attack didn't work. So I'm still in the game!
:'''Mai''': For now, maybe.
:'''Téa''': That's cool. At least Joey bought himself a little time.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, but it did come with a price, Téa.
:'''Mai''': Impressive. But your little maneuver helped me out, too.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, I know. Now you get to put the two cards you picked at the top of your deck.
:'''Téa''': Oh, no! Now she can use those two cards again!
:'''Pharaoh''': Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation and Harpie Sparrow Formation. Those are two of Mai's most powerful cards!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Rafael''': Valon, what are you doing!?
:'''Valon''': With this fragment of the Orichalcos stone… I unlock the seal!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': Joey, are you alright. Joey!
:'''Tristan''': Oh man.
:'''Téa''': Why did he do that?
:'''Rafael''': What were you thinking, Valon? You betrayed Master Dartz and risked your own soul! And you mean to tell me you did all that so you just saved some girl, Valon.
:'''Valon''': She's not just some girl, Rafael!
:'''Rafael''': Would you listen to yourself, Valon!? ''[growls]'' I’ll make up for this… By taken your soul, Pharaoh. The power around my neck puts your puzzle to shame.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Where’s Mai? Did those punks take her?
:'''Téa''': Guess so.
:'''Tristan''': Yeah. She gone.
:'''Joey''': ''[gasps]'' Oh no, I was so close. ''[groans]'' I'LL GET YOU BACK MAI!!
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

==''The Challenge''==
:'''Seto Kaiba''': No way! My mind must be playing tricks on me!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I doubt that. My card seens to be doing the same thing, Kaiba!
:'''Yami Yugi''': It feels as though these three dragons are calling out to us. 
:'''All''': Uhh!
:'''Yami''': I was told that fate had chosen three modern-day warriors to release these legendary beasts.
:'''Kaiba''': Chosen by fate? Get real. I'm the one who decides my fate, Yugi! Not some fairy tale about mythical dragons and giant man-eating monsters.
:'''Yami''': Be reasonable for once! The world needs us! We do this as a team!
:'''Kaiba''': Sorry... I don't do the teamwork thing.
:'''Yami''': Listen!
:'''Kaiba''': You geeks have wasted enough of my time already. I have a multi-million dollar company to run. Playtime's over.
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba!
:'''Mokuba''': Seto.... wait up!
:'''Joey''': We don't need him weighing us down anyway. With good old Hermos over here those hoodlums won't stand a chance.
:'''Tristan''': Someone's back to their old self again. About time.
:'''Joey''': It took me a while, but I realized being bummed out about Mai's not gonna bring her back.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': ''[angrily]'' What were you thinking?! I was just about to finish off Wheeler, and then you had butt in and ruin everything!
:'''Rafael''': You're a real piece a work. He saved your soul, and this is how you repay him?
:'''Mai''': Who asked to be saved?! Maybe next time, He'll learn to butt out!
:'''Rafael''': Next time... We'll just let you lose.
:'''Valon''': That's enough, mate, I'm fine!
:'''Mai''': Yeah, Clam up, or you'll end up just like your friend here.
:'''Rafael''': You have no idea the danger you were in.
:'''Mai''': Huh?
:'''Rafael''': Do you remember that Hermos card Wheeler played? It's an ancient dragon that can only be controlled by a chosen duelist.
:'''Mai''': Ha! Yeah, he was chosen all right! Chosen to have that scrawny butt of his kicked by a real duelist!! Humph. ''[hops on Valon's motorcycle]'' Later, losers! ''[droves off]''
:'''Valon''': Hey, wait! That's mine! ''[coughs]''
:'''Mai''': You won't escape me this time, Wheeler.
:'''Valon''': I can't let Mai get hurt. I gotta stop her.
:'''Rafael''': Forget about her let's focus on the Pharaoh.
:'''Valon''': But Master Dartz said to wait.
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, Well, Master Dartz doesn't always know what's best. We should take the strongest soul first. Once we get him out of the way, The others will fall right into our hands, one by one.
:'''Valon''': But how do you know the Pharaoh will duel?
:'''Rafael''': Because my plan is already in place. It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': You sure this is the place?
:'''Yugi''': Professor Hawkins! Rebecca!
:'''Rebecca''': Yugi.
:'''Yugi''': Rebecca. What happened here?
:'''Rebecca''': ''[in tears]'' Yugi… they tooked him. ''[starts to cries]'' My poor Grandpa! ''[sobbing]'' It’s not fair! He didn’t hurt anyone!
:'''Yugi''': We’re gonna find him… I promise.
:'''Rebecca''': Thank you. Who would do something like this?!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Ready, Copernicus.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': We’ll keep an eye out on Rex and Weevil, I don’t trust those two.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Weevil''': We can't miss the showdown between Yugi and those guys. I have to find out how they made Mai into such a strong duelist.
:'''Rex''': Can't we take a quick snack break?
:''[Weevil and Rex spots Yami Yugi riding on Copernicus]''
:'''Weevil''': It's Yugi, he's getting ahead!
:'''Rex''': No put the pedal to the metal!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': ''[looks after her grandfather was asleep and holds Ties of Friendship card what Yugi gives her]'' Be careful, Yugi. Please.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I'm ready for you, Pharaoh. Thanks to my deck... and the power it holds.

==''Fate of the Pharaoh''==
===''Part 1''===
* This marks the only appearance of Rafael's family is Sonia, Julian, Dad and Mom in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Very impressive, cowboy, But You'll need more than a few rodeo tricks to get yourself outta this. ''[Pharaoh crossing the bridge]'' You see, While my associates are satisfied with stealing the souls of your friends, I'm not.
:'''Pharaoh''': I did my part. Now you release the Professor Arthur Hawkins as you promised.
:'''Rafael''': He's already been set free, but since you've come all this way, you might as well stay awhile.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': So you're gonna stick around, right? 'Cause like I said before, Pharaoh, your friends aren't good enough. I need to capture the soul of the pharaoh himself so i can save the world.
:'''Pharaoh''': Save the world? Don't you see that what you're doing is going to destroy the world? or are you so insane that you can't tell the difference?
:'''Rafael''': I'm just fine. It's you who's blind to what's going on. You're fighting on the wrong side.
:'''Pharaoh''': Explain yourself.
:'''Rafael''': This world's a dark and lonely place to live. It's been poisoned by mankind. All I'm trying to do is fix what's been ruined by people like you, and  I'll do it by locking your spirit away for good.
:'''Pharaoh''': Who do you think you are?
:'''Rafael''': Look, The name's Rafael, and i called you here to duel, not shoot the breeze. I've waited for this moment long enough and i have no intention of putting our fight off for another minute, so let's go.
:'''Pharaoh''': You've given me no choice. But know this, in the end righteousness will prevail and justice shall be served. ''[activates his KC mass production duel disk]''
:'''Rafael''': That's just what I'm hoping for. ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Pharaoh and Rafael''': Let's duel!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Hey Weevil, Check it out.
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Yugi started dueling already.

===''Part 2''===
:'''Rafael''': Well, for starters, He's a better leader than you were. That's right Pharaoh. My master told me all about your history as the king of Eqypt; How you ruled as an evil dictator using the power of the shadow realm to control your subjects.
:'''Pharaoh''': Wake up. He lied.
:'''Rafael''': How would you know? You have no memory of your past. So isn't it possible that you're responsible for the destruction of Egypt?! Think about it!
:'''Pharaoh''': It can't be. I know i was a worthy pharaoh. I'm the one who locked the dark magic away!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi:''' Pharaoh, no!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let go!
:'''Yugi:''' No! You don't know what you're doing!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let go!
:'''Yugi:''' Listen to me! This card is affecting your mind!
:'''Pharaoh:''' We're going to lose the duel! Can't you see?! Trust me! It's the only way, Yugi! We must do this! Now let me go!
:'''Yugi:''' Please don't play that card!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Now I activate the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Rafael:''' (''thinking'') ''Excellent''.
:''[The Pharaoh activates the card]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''What have I done?''
:'''Yugi:''' No!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' Do you guys see what I see!?
:'''Tristan:''' Is that light what I think it is!?
:'''Joey:''' The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Rafael:''' Nice work, Pharaoh. I knew you had it in you. Now, let's see what the Orichalcos reveals about you. Are you good or are you evil? So, tell me. How do ya feel? ''[laughing]''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 3''===
:'''Pharaoh''': What have you done to my dragon!?
:'''Rafael''': It's not what I've done.... It's what ''you've'' done by playing that magic card. Guess I should warned ya. Timaeus and the Orichalcos don't mix. But at least your dark side's been set free.
:'''Pharaoh''': What have I unleashed? ''[screaming]'' You were a fool to hand me this card! For when you lose, you soul will be for all eternity where it belongs! Now I activate Hand Control! All I need to do is correctly guess the name of a card in your hand and I can activate it! And since I gave you the necromancy card, I know you're holding it! Now it's mine! Ha! Necromancy allows me to bring four monsters back from my graveyard! So return to me Big Shield Gardna... Berfomet... Gazelle the king of mythical beasts... and Kuribabylon! Next I'll sacrifice Gazelle and Berfomet so i can summon my Dark Magician! Then I'll separate my Kuribabylon into the five Kuriboh brothers I used to create it! Now my monsters, feel the power of the orichalcos!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Hey, where am I? The Seal of Oricahlcos! No! He played it! What have you done, Pharaoh?

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' YUGI!
:'''Tristan:''' No way, dude!
:'''Joey:''' What's going on? Why's that oricahlcos thingy on Yugi's forehead.
:''[Joey, Tristan and Duke jumped in next Weevil and Rex.]''
:'''Rex:''' You guys just missed the best part.
:'''Duke:''' Yeah? Then why don't you two fill us in.
:'''Tristan:''' I don't trust these twerps as far as i can throw 'em.
:'''Joey:''' Hey! ''[grubs Weevil]'' My best buddy's got that freaky ding on his head and i want answers now!
:'''Weevil''': Why don't you take your paws off of me and try asking nicely!
:'''Joey:''' Wrong answer. Now it's go time!
:'''Weevil:''' Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me...
:'''Rex:''' It's the Seal of Oricahlcos!
:'''Weevil:''' ...Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me...
:'''Rex:''' Yugi got it from that big muscle guy and then activated it!
:'''Weevil:''' ...Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me.
:''[Joey lets go off Weevil and he, Tristan and Duke gasps sees Yami Yugi faces Rafael and he using that evil spell card and Weevil panting.]''
:'''Joey:''' Yugi wouldn't do that! He knows that card is evil!
:'''[The Pharaoh anger growls the oricahlcos on forehead.]''

&lt;hr width50%&gt;

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Weevil''': Alright, guys, If Yugi loses I call dibs on his Dark Magician.
:'''Rex''': That's not cool. Why don't you show some compassion for a change... and let me take his Dark Magician.
:'''Joey''': Watch it!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Joey''': That doesn't sound like to Yugi I know. Come on pal... Snap out of it!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi''': Pharaoh, no! The Seal of Orichalcos is in play! So the monsters on the field are real! Please don't sacrifice the Dark Magician Girl!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': Earth to Joey, are you there, man?
:'''Joey''': I'm here, but Yug's not. he's brainwashed!
:'''Tristan''': Say what?!
:''[Duke gasps]''
:'''Joey''': He's sacrificing his monsters left and right and talking about &quot;power.&quot; That's not Yugi's style a duelin' at all! That oricahlcos ding is messin' with his head! Just like it did to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Mai!]]
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[in tears]'' How could he do this? That card is evil. I warned him.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' You let your rage take over. Now look into the eyes of your monsters!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Please forgive me for what I've done to you!

&lt;hr width50%&gt; 
:'''Rafael''': Guardian Eatos, destroy his monsters and the rest of his life points!

&lt;hr width50%&gt; 
:'''Pharaoh''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''
:'''Rex:''' No way! Yugi actually lost!
:'''Duke:''' This can't be!
:'''Tristan:''' Oh man!
:'''Joey:''' Yugi!
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi:''' If he lost the duel. Then he'll loses his soul!
:'''Rafael:''' ''[laughing]'' Time for you to pay up, Pharaoh. The Seal of Oricahlcos never leaves the field without taking something along for the ride. And this time it's you, and you have yourself to blame 'cause you sealed your own fate when you played that card. Now your life-force will awaken the Great Beast.
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi:''' Not if I can help!! With all the power of the Millennium Puzzle, I break the Seal!!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yugi:''' Pharaoh, I won't let his happen to you!!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi, no! What are you doing here!!?
:'''Yugi:''' It only needs one of us. So I'm letting the Seal take ME instead.
:'''Pharaoh:''' NO!! YUGI!!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' Adios, Your Highness.
:''[The Pharaoh collapses]''
:'''Joey''': Hey! You alright pal!?
:'''Weevil:''' I doubt it.
:'''Rex:''' Yeah Ditto.
:'''Duke:''' This is nuts.
:'''Tristan:''' Come on, pal.
:'''Joey:''' Yugi, Get up! Please, Yug!
:'''Rafael:''' You won't be needing these anymore.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Weevil:''' Ha! Hey, Rex.
:'''Rex:''' I know exactly what you're thinking.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[The Pharaoh wakes up]''
:'''Tristan:''' He's awake!
:'''Joey:''' I knew you outsmart that big goon. So How'd ya Yug, How did you escape. ''[sees the Pharaoh crying]'' Everything alright pal?
:'''Pharaoh:''' (''in tears'')''':''' No, Joey. It's far from alright. I didn't outsmart him. He succeeded. Yugi's gone.
:'''Joey/Tristan/Duke:''' Whoa!

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan, Please accept my latest offering. 

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' I don't get it. How can you be talkin' to us if he took your soul?
:'''Pharaoh:''' (''in tears'')''':''' Not mine!! Yugi's!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!! YUGI, COME BACK!! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME, NOT HIM!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!

==''Trial by Stone''==
* After Yami Yugi lost the duel with Rafael so Rex and Weevil join Dartz and his henchmen why Rafael failure because the Pharaoh got away with his friends what the seal takes Yugi instead of the Pharaoh now Weevil and Rex to having revenge on Joey and Yami Yugi. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[Rex and Weevil followed Rafael on the helicopter]''
:'''Rex''': He's getting away! We have to get our hands on one of those orichalcos magic cards. Just a little more!
:'''Rex and Weevil''': ''[screaming]''
:'''Rex''': This is all your fault! Help! Mommy, I'm falling!
:'''Rafael''': Oh, great.
:'''Rex and Weevil''': Huh?! phew.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Tea:''' How'd it go? Is everything OK?
:'''Joey:''' Not quite. We got a problem guys.
:'''Tea:''' What do you mean?
:'''Duke:''' Yugi didn't win.
:'''Tristan''': He's gone.
:'''Tea:''' Wha-
:'''Tristan:''' You heard me. Yugi got beat, Tea!
:'''Tea:''' You're wrong! If Yugi really lost that duel, those creeps would have taken his soul with their freaky magic card, Tristan!!
:'''Joey:''' So what's your point, Tea?
:'''Tea:''' My point!? If he's lost how can he be standing right... ''[gasps and turns around looks at the Pharaoh]'' behind me? Oh no.
:'''Rebecca:''' Yugi, talk to me. What's wrong!? Why are you acting so strange!?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Rebecca, they got him.
:'''Rebecca:''' Got who?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their last duel as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' I know. This whole thing's my fault. I'm the one who unleashed the magic that took Yugi away.
:'''Rebecca:''' You knew that card was evil and you still played it!? If you really were a brave pharaoh, you would never have done something like that to poor, little Yugi!!
:'''Tea:''' Now hold on.
:'''Rebecca''': Oh, Tea! ''[sobbing]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' I'm afraid Rebecca's right.
:'''Tea:''' Huh?
:'''Joey:''' What's done is done.
:'''Pharaoh:''' I let everyone down. Especially Yugi. He warned me not to play the Seal of Oricalcos card, but my rage took control. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their first duel, the Pharaoh activated The Seal of Oricalcos card]].]'' He paid for my mistake.
:'''Joey:''' You got to snap outta this!
:'''Pharaoh:''' He's gone, and it's all my fault.
:'''Joey:''' Get a grip, man!
:'''Téa:''' Joey!
:'''Joey:''' If we're gonna rescue Yugi, We gotta move ahead, not look back, So pull yourself together! What we gotta do now is find out who this Dartz guy is and where he keeps all these souls.
:'''Duke:''' I've been suggesting we do that since day one, but nobody listens to me.
:'''Tristan:''' Stop thinking about yourself for once, Duke!
:'''Duke:''' Down, boy. Heel!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let him go, Tristan! 
:'''Tristan:''' Huh?!
:'''Pharaoh:''' This happened because I couldn't control my anger, and if we keep fighting amongst ourselves, the orichalcos will destroy us.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' You’re about to meet our master, so don’t anything to stupid.
:'''Alister:''' Yeah, He doesn’t have as much patience as we do.
:'''Rex and Weevil''': gulped.
:''[They opened the door]''
:'''Rafael:''' Mission accomplished, Master.
:'''Weevil''': We're gonna become super villains.
:''[Rex and Weevil giggling]''
:'''Rafael:''' You'll be happy to know the strongest soul on Earth has been captured, Master Dartz.
:'''Dartz:''' Ah, yes. The Pharaoh.
:'''Weevil:''' Pharaoh?
:'''Rex:''' What pharaoh?
:'''Dartz:''' Unfortunately, you failed again. ''[chair turns around]''
:'''Valon:''' ''[walks in with an arm in sling]'' That's right. The soul of the Pharaoh is still out there, Rafael.
:'''Rafael:''' ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Alister:''' ''[shocked]'' Huh?!
:'''Dartz:''' Now watch and learn.
:''[Weevil whimping]''
:'''Rex:''' What's that?
:'''Dartz:''' The Pharaoh's [[w:Rebirth|spirit inhabits the body]] of a young man. And what we have here is a clear case of mistaken identity.
:''[Camera zooming towards image of Yugi Muto in stone]''
:'''Rex:''' ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Weevil:''' ''[shocked]'' Yugi?
:'''Valon:''' Instead of the Pharaoh, you got the soul of some kid!
:'''Rafael:''' I still don't understand. 
:'''Dartz:''' Then you need to clean out your ears, you oversized baboon. Both of their spirits inhabit one body! Get it!? You captured the wrong soul!
:'''Rafael:''' But how!? I’m pretty sure I was dueling the Pharaoh! So the Orichcalos should have sealed him!
:'''Dartz:''' Well, apparently you're not as perceptive as you think you are because he got away!
:'''Rafael:''' That Punk!!
:'''Dartz:''' There's no one to blame but yourself!
:'''Rafael:''' I can fixed this, If you’ll let me.
:'''Weevil''': Hey!
:'''Valon, Dartz, Rafael and Alister''': ''[spots at Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood]'' Huh?
:'''Weevil''': Let's go!
:'''Rex''': Go where?
:''[Rex and Weevil run to Valon, Dartz, Rafael and Alister and knees on]''
:'''Weevil''': Might I suggest something, sir?
:'''Rex''': Like a better hideout?
:'''Weevil''': Quiet! ''[bangs Rex's head]''
:'''Rex''': Ow! I'm just trying to be helpful.
:'''Dartz''': Who are these two?
:'''Rex''': Haven't you heard of us? Former regional duel monsters champions?
:'''Rafael''': They're just a couple of wanna-be duelists who followed us here. They probably never even played the game.
:'''Weevil''': Never played the game?!
:'''Rex''': Wanna-bes?! We're great duelists, but we came here to become even better.
:'''Weevil''': Yugi and his friends have been making fools of us for years. ''[flashbacks to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#The Ultimate Great Moth|Yugi and Weevil's duel with the Summoned Skull and The Great Moth in defeat,]] and then [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#Trial by Red-Eyes|Joey and Rex's duel with a Time Wizard and Red Eyes Black Dragon in defeat]] at Duelist Kingdom. flashback ends]'' Before they showed up, we ruled the duels. But lately it seems like we're just the butt of everyone's jokes.
:'''Rex''': And no one likes being a butt.
:'''Weevil''': Uh, What he means is, we want nothing more than to have our revenge. So, please, mister Dartz, sir, share your dueling secrets with us and we'll help you get what you want.
:'''Rex''': Please!
:'''Dartz''': It won't be easy. The Pharaoh and his little friends wield the power of the legendary dragons. How do you intend to fight against cards like those?
:'''Weevil''': That's exactly why we need your help, sir.
:'''Rex''': Yeah, Weevil and I need the seal of orichalcos.
:'''Dartz''': You know, Before I share my power with you, I have to make sure you're worthy.
:'''Weevil''': Give us a chance to prove it.
:'''Rex''': We'll do anything.
:'''Dartz''': Very well.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[Back inside the caravan]''
:'''Joey''': So they wanna rule the world. We've dealt with that before.
:'''Pharaoh''': No, Joey, this time things are different.
:'''Tristan''': Yeah, They're not just talking about wiping out all life on earth, they're doing it!
:'''Joey''': But we know how to stop 'em.
:'''Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': We got to go straight to the source and destroy that secret weapon of theirs.
:'''Tea''': You mean [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Legend_of_the_Dragons|that weird monster-zapper in the sky?]]
:'''Tristan''': Unfortunately, that thing's after more than just monsters. it's using human souls to power itself up so it can wipe out the rest of us.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, and right now that thing's got Yugi, so I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna stand here twiddling my thumbs. I'm gonna take action.
:'''Tea''': Look, Joey, I wanna help Yugi too, but we can't just fight this thing by ourselves. We need help.
:'''Rebecca''': No, Tea.
:'''Tea''': Huh?
:'''Rebecca''': In case you forgot, Those jerks burned down my grandpa's laboratory and destroyed all his research. And without any hard evidence, there's no way anyone's gonna believe our story.
:'''Tea''': But we have proof. It's all down in those underwater ruins.
:'''Rebecca''': Whatever was there won't be of any help to us now. The ruins are gone, guys.
:'''Tea''': Someone ruined the ruins?
:'''Duke''': They're one step ahead of us.
:'''Arthur''': ''[opens the door]'' Don't give up so easily.
:'''Rebecca''': Gramps, you're awake.
:'''Tea''': Yeah, shouldn't you be resting?
:'''Arthur''': I'll be fine. Anyway who could sleep with you kids chit chatting all day? Besides, I can help you find the information you need. You're right about looking to the ruins for answers.
:'''Pharaoh''': So did you discover anything more about these thugs?
:'''Arthur''': Well, I can't be sure, but based on the inscriptions i found, there's a good chance these fellows are descendants of Atlantis, an ancient continent said to have disappeared into the ocean thousands of years ago without a trace.
:'''Tea''': Are you sure?
:'''Duke''': Professor, If your hunch is right, Why would these people want to destroy what was left of their ancestors' city?
:'''Arthur''': They must be trying to hide something. Those ruins revealed the history of Atlantis, and it's not a pleasant one. They must what to keep it a secret.
:'''Pharaoh''': How much of this history do you know?
:'''Arthur''': Thousands of years ago, Atlantis was home to the most advanced civilization the world had ever known. It truly was a paradise on earth, a land of eternal tranquility where everyone lived in peace until one day, when a dreadful creature was called forth from the depths of the earth by an evil king.
:'''Pharaoh''': An evil king? Oh, no. ''[Flashes back to their first duel, Rafael told Pharaoh heard about the Pharaoh are the one responsible for the destroy Egypt.]''
:'''Tea''': ''[worried]'' What's wrong? Are you OK?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm fine.
:'''Arthur''': It seems this power hungry king drew his evil strength from a mysterious stone, and this stone drew it's strength from another world.
:'''Joey''': It's that rock they wear on their neck, Isn't it?
:'''Arthur''': I'm not sure. That's all i was able to translate.
:'''Joey''': NO!
:'''Tristan''': Chill out, man. you'll blow a gasket.
:'''Joey''': You guys don't get it, do you? Those Atlantis freaks are trying to cover something up about this ancient mega-monster.
:'''Duke''': Of course. There was probably something written in those ruins about how to destroy that thing before it destroys us.
:'''Tristan''': I get it. Hey, Joey, I guess you had your good idea for the year.
:'''Arthur''': The ruins may have been destroyed, but there are copies of the inscriptions at a museum. It's in [[Florida]], where i was doing my underwater research.
:'''Tea''': Perfect. So all we have to do is go there and translate the rest.
:'''Arthur''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Joey''': What are we waiting for? Let's head to sunshine state and find out the secret to defeating these guys and saving Yugi, right?
:'''Tristan''': I'm right behind ya, man! Goodbye to Death Valley, Hello to fun in the sun.
:'''Duke''': That's great. Just one question: How are we supposed to get there?
:'''Tristan''': We're doomed.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Kaiba''': ''[after hearing what happened to Yugi over the phone]'' YUGI LOST?! Yugi gave up his Duel Monsters crown to some nobody?! No one deserves that title but me!
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[calmly]'' Hold on.
:'''Kaiba''': I don't wanna hear another word! You're a disgrace to the game, Yugi! ''[hangs up]''
&lt;hr width70℅&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': I'll book our flights and we'll take a train to the airport. I just hope we can save Yugi before it's too late.
:'''Dartz''': ''[to Rex and Weevil]'' Deliver to me the soul of the Pharaoh and his companion young Joseph Wheeler. The Orichcalos is with you.
:'''Rex and Weevil:''' Yes, sir.

==''On the Wrong Track''==
===''Part 1''===
:''[at the train station]''
:'''Téa''': How this train ride anyway?
:'''Joey''': Too long.
:'''Téa''': ''[sighs]'' Any chance you wanna go instead of me, Duke?
:'''Duke''': No can do, Téa. I gotta stick with Professor Hawkins in case those biker punks come back.
:'''Tristan''': Duke's right. Plus he's gonna keep an eye on Rebecca too.
:''[Flashback to Rebecca and Arthur see Pharaoh and his friends leaving]''
:'''Rebecca''': I wanna go too! They need a brain like mine to figure out how to save Yugi! Please!?
:'''Arthur''': It's too dangerous. And the Pharaoh has enough on his mind already.
:'''Rebecca''': Huh?
:'''Arthur''': The last thing he needs is the responsibility of looking after you. His closest friend in the world's been taken from him.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[cries ran back to the caravan]'' You don't understand anything, Grandpa! 
:'''Arthur''': Rebecca, wait! It's for your own good!
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Duke''': You better get on the train before you miss your ride.
:'''Joey''': We got plenty of time.
:'''Tristan''': No, we don’t.
:'''Joey''': Like I said &quot;All Aboard!&quot;
:'''Téa''': Take care, Duke.
:''[Joey, Tristan, Pharaoh and Téa are onboard the train carriages as the train horns blares and the train departed from the station as Duke waves to them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Téa''':
:'''The Pharaoh''': ''[get up the seat and sadly walked off alone]'' Sorry Téa.
:'''Téa''': Poor guy. ''[watches the Pharaoh walked off alone feeling sad after he lost the duel with Rafael]''
:'''Tristan''': Just let him go, Téa. I think he needs to be alone for a while you know?
:'''Joey''': He's already alone.
:'''Téa and Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': Isn't that the whole problem? He’s crushed. But he’ll be alright soon enough. ‘Cause we’re going to rescue Yugi, right guys?
:'''Téa''': There’s no doubt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking]'' How could I have been so selfish? I gave in to the darkness within my heart... and Yugi paid the price. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their last duel with Rafael as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' I've lost him forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tea''': ''[sighs]'' He's been gone for a while.
:'''Tristan''': ''[notices the passengers are empty]'' Hey, Hold on. He's not the only one!
:'''Joey''': Huh?
:'''Tristan''': Call me crazy. But wasn't this train completely filled with passengers just a minute ago?! What's the deal!? How can a train full of people all of a sudden be empty!?
:'''Joey''': What?!
:''[Joey and Tea sees passengers are empty]''
:'''Tea''': Alright. Now I'm officially freaked out!
:''[back at Dartz's lair]''
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly laughter]'' A vacant train is the least of your problems, my young friends. I'm just getting warmed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tea''': There you are.
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': 'Case you haven't noticed, Something weird's going on.
:'''Tristan''': If you asked me. I'd say this whole train ride is another trap.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[gasp]''
:'''Joey''': I'm sure those same slime balls are behind this. and i bet they're onboard.
:'''Tristan''': Well what are we standing here for? Let's get 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tristan''': Pharaoh! Tea! Whatta we do now!?
:'''Pharaoh''': Get help!
:'''Tea''': Come on, we have to find a way to stop this train!
:'''Tristan''': Hey, we're slowing down! You heard 'em. we gotta get help.
:'''Joey''': I know... but there's a problem. ''[he and Tristan jumps off the rail coaches]'' We're in the middle of nowhere! and we don't even know those two are gonna end up. Bye, guys. Hang in there.
:'''Tristan''': I guess it's just you and me now.
:'''Joey''': Hmm ''[sees Rex appears snickers in the railcar with his chaos duel disk on.]'' Huh? Rex!? What are you doing here?
:'''Rex Raptor''': ''[jumps off the rail coaches and walks towards Joey and Tristan]'' I still have a score to settle with you, Wheeler. Remember? You tooked my Red Eyes Black Dragon.
:'''Joey''': Rex, This is not the time.
:'''Rex''': It’s the perfect time for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[sees Weevil appears on top of this train with his chaos duel disk on]'' Weevil Underwood! Are you behind this!? You'd better start explaining yourself!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Weevil? What are you what with us, worm boy!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': What are you think i what? A rematched with the king of games!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Are you nuts!?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I'm just in the mood for a friendly duel.
:'''Yami Yugi''': Weevil, Who put you up to this?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': No one did. I figured this was a good time to test out my new secret weapon, that's all.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Is that magic rock the professor told us about it! Where did you find that thing, Raptor!?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I knew it! He's working for them!
:''[back on the train]''
:'''Pharaoh''': You've been brainwashed, Weevil!
:'''Téa''': Wake up! Those guys are just using you!
:'''Weevil''': Who cares! as long as I have ultimate power!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're ''wrong''!
:'''Weevil''': Then just duel me!
:'''Téa''': Wait a minute!
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh? Téa, no! It's too dangerous!
:'''Téa''': Weevil! Don't you realize that if you go through with this duel, one of you guys is gonna lose your soul forever!?
:'''Pharaoh''': Téa.
:'''Weevil''': Of course I do, Téa. That's the whole reason I'm here! To make him pay by sealing him away!
:'''Téa''': Oh!
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh no!
:'''Weevil''': Don't worry. Soon you'll be locked away with your friend Yugi, Pharaoh! ''[laughing]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Where is he!? Tell me!
:'''Weevil''': I'm afraid the only way to find out is to duel me. so if you back down now, then you'll never see that little twerp again!
:'''Pharaoh''': Very well! Then let's duel!
:'''Weevil''': ''[laughing]'' Wise choice, Pharaoh! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Rex''': ''[activates his chaos duel disk]'' I'm gonna enjoy this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': What did you do to my friends!?
:'''Rex Raptor''': Nothing! Weevil's dealing with those two losers why I handled you two. 
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Weevil? So he's in on this train too.
:'''Joey''': Rex, you guys pick the wrong side to join.
:'''Rex''': Oh really? Well, we'll just see about that won't we. I've been given more power then you ever dreamed of!
:'''Joey''': ''[growl]'' Look, Rex, not only can I duel circles around your sorry behind but you're half my size! So why don't you get out of my way before i step on you!
:'''Rex''': Sorry, pal. I'm not going anywhere till we duel! So draw your cards and let's get it on, chump! I've got a duel to win!
:'''Tristan''': Now what?
:'''Joey''': ''[sighs]'' I warned them. Now let's trample this geek and then go find Yugi and Téa.
:'''Tristan''': Good call.
:'''Rex''': Oh yeah? You'll change your mind when I activate this card!
:'''Joey and Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Rex''': ''[snickers and holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' Look familiar!?
:'''Tristan''': The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Joey''': Drop the card! That thing is evil, Rex. I'm telling ya, you have no idea what you're doing!
:'''Rex''': You're not so tough now! Are you, Wheeler! :''[laughs and activates the card]''
:'''Joey''':  He played it!!
:''[Joey and Tristan grunting and as Rex screams]''
:'''Tristan''': Aah!
:'''Joey''': No, Tristan!
:'''Rex''': Ahh! Ha Ha Ha! Now... That's what i call power.
:'''Joey''': What was he thinking playing that!
:'''Tristan''': Be careful, man! He just raised the stakes a  this duel big time! Now who ever loses the game, loses their soul!
:'''Joey''': Gee, Thanks for the reminder.
:'''Rex''': Let's do this. It's payback time!
:'''Joey''': Sorry, Rex. I won't duel you!
:'''Rex''': You don't have much choice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I won’t keep you in suspense any longer! ''[snickers]'' It’s my move! ''[holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' And I think I’ll play the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Yami Yugi''': Weevil, don’t be a fool!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': What seems to be the problem, Pharaoh? You’ve played this card before, haven’t you? If I’m not mistaken, this is what you used to lock little Yugi away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Looks like the battles are underway.
:'''Rafael''': Yes, Master. And if all goes well, the soul of the Pharaoh will soon be yours. Of course, we win no matter what, because whatever the final outcome is, we get two souls.
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly snickers]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Are you gonna duel, Wheeler? or just stand there like a loser while i take you apart?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I got no choice. Alright I didn't wanna do this... But you got yourself a duel!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Are you sure?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's the only way to save Yuge, so yes.
:'''Rex Raptor''': Good answer. I've been waiting for this moment for years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly snickers]'' It won't be long now. The soul of the Pharaoh is nearly in my grasp. After all we have the perfect bait. ''[evilly laughter]''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 2''===
:''[Joey and Rex were still dueling with Panther Warrior, the two Gilasaurus and Kaitoptera still on the field]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Dude, you've got three dinos breathing down your neck! You better think of something before you're extinct!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Gee, thanks.
:'''Rex Raptor''': You're in way over your head! Thanks to the Seal of Orichalcos, I can never be beat, but enough talk! On with the Duel! ''[draws Polymerization from his Deck]'' It's showtime. First, I'll use Polymerization to combine my Gilasaurus with my Kaitoptera to form Horned Saurus! ''[Horned Saurus appears on the field]'' But you ain't seen nothing yet! Next I'll play Giant Rex! ''[Giant Rex also appears on the field]'' And the Seal of Orichalcos gives my Jurassic giants a power boost! ''[Horned Saurus' and Giant Rex's eyes glow red as the Seal of Orichalcos raises their attack by 500]'' Time to get prehistoric on you, Wheeler, by letting my ravenous meat-eaters chow down on your Life Points! My Horned Saurus is up first! Now, attack Wheeler directly!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': How can he do that when you've got a monster on the field?
:'''Rex Raptor''': Easy, Horned Saurus has a special ability that lets him bypass your monsters and go straight for your Life Points! Tough break. ''[Horned Saurus fires a shockwave blast on top of Joey, making Joey's Life Points drop to 1500]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': That runt is kicking your butt!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Thanks for the help. You're a real pal.
:'''Rex Raptor''': For my next trick, Giant Rex will make your Panther Warrior disappear! ''[Giant Rex attack and destroys Panther Warrior]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''':

===''Part 3''===

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Please Save me! ''[screaming as the Oricalchos claims Rex's soul]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': ''Sorry, Rex. It's the only way.''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Rex! Come on, man wake up! I know you're in there somewhere so snap out of it.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's no use, Tristan. The orichalcos has him now. But i promise we'll get him back. As soon as we find Pegasus and Yugi.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Yeah, but how?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': But first we gotta figured out where this Dartz guy hangs out. Find him, and we'll find them. YOU HEAR ME, DARTZ?!! WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU!! AND WE'RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT OUR FRIENDS!! ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Yami Yugi and Weevil's Duel is still underway with Breaker the Magical Warrior, Poison Butterfly and Armored Centipede on the field]''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I'll tell you what. Because I feel sorry for you, I'd be willing to do you a little favor before you lose. I have a card in my pocket I think you'd like to see. I can't wait to see the look on your face! ''[laughs hysterically]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[snarls]'' ''Weevil!''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Relax, Pharaoh, I'm just trying to be nice. It's the least I can do to repay you for ruining my life. You wanna see Yugi, right? ''[the flashback cuts in]'' His spirit is trapped, deep in the caverns of Dartz's lair, and I know how to set him free! ''[cuts back to the present]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': Tell me how to save him right now!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughs]'' Very well. In order to release his soul, you'll need a special card. ''[takes out a Gokibore card out of his pocket]'' And I've got it right here.
:'''Yami Yugi''': What?! Then hand it to me now!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': That's not a nice way to ask! Why don't you try saying, &quot;Pretty please, with sugar on top&quot;? ''[Yami Yugi walks short, but realizes that Weevil was bluffing]'' Oh, well, too late! So it looks like I'll have to teach you a lesson in manners! Now say goodbye! ''[rips the Gokibore card in half]'' Yugi's gone FOREVER! ''[Yami Yugi, having witnessed Weevil rip the card, suddenly erupts into an uncontrollable rage]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[roars ferociously]'' '''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Tea Gardner''': ''[in tears]'' No. Poor Yugi.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[furiously]'' You snake!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughs]'' Don’t you know a joke when you hear one? I tore up a useless bug card.
:'''Tea Gardner''': Huh? ''[anger]'' Weevil, That’s not very funny!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': You people have no sense of humour!
:'''Yami Yugi''': You'll pay for that! You hear me, Weevil!?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Ha! Huh?
:'''Yami Yugi''': You'll pay dearly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[thinking]'' Yugi's been planning this all along!
:'''Yami Yugi''': It's the beginning of the end for you! ''[draws a monster card from his Deck]'' I've drawn Queen's Knight! ''[discards Queen's Knight to the Graveyard]'' And since it's a monster, my warrior can attack! Go! ''[Breaker attacks Weevil's Life Points, making them go to 700]'' Now, for my next card! ''[draws Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts]'' Looks like you're out of luck. Attack again! ''[Breaker makes a second attack at Weevil, making Weevil's Life Points drop to 0]'' I draw again! ''[draws Big Shield Gardna]'' Another monster! ''[Breaker delivers the third blow to Weevil]'' This just isn't your day! ''[draws Alpha the Magnet Warrior and Breaker attacks Weevil while Tea tearfully witnesses the moment]'' Breaker, attack him again! ''[Breaker delivers the last blow to Weevil, just as the Oricalchos claims Weevil's soul]'' Let's see. ''[draws Dark Magician Girl]'' Oh, well...
:'''Tea Gardner''': ''[rushes to Yami Yugi in tears]'' Please, Pharaoh! No more!
:'''Yami Yugi''': Let me go!
:'''Tea Gardner''': You can stop now. It's over. You've already won the duel. The Seal of Oricalchos is gone. We have to put an end to all this.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''Tea's right'', ''[holds Dark Magician Girl card]'' ''I have a promise to keep.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': So many souls, so little time. The Great Leviathan is growing impatient. I must supply him with the power he needs to awaken… and for that, I need the soul of the Pharaoh.
:''[]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Tell me where Yugi is!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Pharaoh... It's no use. You won. So the Seal of Oricalcos took Weevil away. Pharaoh?
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': No! I need him alive!

==''Self Destruction''==
*This marks the debut appearance of Dartz's father Ironheart, his daughter and granddaughter Chris and their pet Skye. After Yami Yugi and Téa had been survived after the collision of train derailment and falls off the cliff The Pharaoh on the quest for finding Yugi’s soul to in the duel.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[after the train derails and falling off the cliffs a passenger car on the river, at Dartz's lair Dartz not happy]''
:'''Dartz''': ''[stands up]'' Somehow I've lost contact with the Pharaoh.
:'''Rafael''': Maybe he didn't survive the fall.
:'''Dartz''': He did. However, Something or someone is hiding him from my vision.
:'''Rafael''': Then let me be your eyes, Master. I'll track him down and make up for my failure.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Skye! Get back here! Skye! ''[appeared enter the tent]'' That's no way to treat our guests. ''[to Pharaoh and Téa]'' Sorry if she woke you up.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Who are you?
:'''Chris''': You can call me Chris. ''[giggles]'' And you've already met Skye. She's the one that found you. She was sniffing around for food and ended up sniffing out you guys instead.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ironheart''': I see your strength is back.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, Thank you.
:'''Ironheart''': Pleased to hear it. You two had me worried. By the way, the name is Ironheart, and i believe this belongs to you. Pardon me for being intrusive... But i couldn't help noticing you possess the legendary Eye of Timaeus... The only one of it's kind.
:'''Pharaoh''': Take it. I'm not deserving of it's power.
:'''Téa Gardner''': That's not true.
:'''Ironheart''': I'll hold it until you're ready.
:'''Téa Gardner''': Did you find another kid? He had glasses and a bad haircut? He was on the train with us it crashed.
:'''Ironheart''': No, I'm afraid you were the only ones we found. Perhaps your friend was able to escape before the train fell off that cliff. I assure you, there wasn't another soul on board.
:'''Pharaoh''': I highly doubt Weevil was able to escape i tried to wake him up to snapped out of this but it was no use i won the duel and now the Seal of Orichalcos tooked his soul away. Not in the condition he was in. I'm afraid there's a greater power at work here.
:'''Ironheart''': I must say, young man. You seem to possess a wisdom that reaches far beyond your years. Now, I've encountered many people in my travels... but there's something about you i've never seen before... something in your eyes. I'm also sensing that you hold a great deal of loneliness in your heart.
:'''Pharaoh''': I was pretty sure I was dueling Rafael in Death Valley. That's because I recently lost a very close friend of mine. His name is Yugi Muto. And now... I'm on a journey to find his soul.
:'''Ironheart''': What will you do if you find him?
:'''Pharaoh''': I’ll apologize for betraying his trust and abandoning him.
:'''Ironheart''': Hmm. I might just be able to help. Follow me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rafael jumps on the rail carriage after the train falls off the cliff looking for the Pharaoh.]''
:'''Rafael''': Hey, Pharaoh! You in there or not!? How did he escape? ''[looks at the mountain]'' I'LL FIND YOU, PHARAOH, WHEREVER YOU ARE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Is that really you?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi!
:'''Tea:''' Hey, It's him!
:'''Pharaoh:''' I've found you! ''[]'' Hmm?
:'''Yugi''': You came all this way just to see me?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yes of course, I just want you to say how sorry i am.
:'''Yugi''': I'm sorry too, I wish this whole thing never happened.
:'''Pharaoh:''' It's my fault. i surrendered to my inner darkness. I allowed my anger to take over and you paid the price. But now that you're gone, The darkness is starting to grow without your light to keep me pure... I'm becoming evil, Yugi. I'm beginning to believe that what Rafael said about me is true. Perhaps i was a [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|wicked pharaoh]]. ''[Flashes back to their first duel, Rafael told Pharaoh heard about the Pharaoh are the one responsible for the destroy Egypt.]'' What if i am the one responsible for the destruction of Egypt? If I'm capable of such horrific behavior then it's my soul that should be locked away.
:'''Yugi''': Well, What good is that now!? I'm the one who's been locked away forever, Not you!
:'''Pharaoh:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Yugi''': Well, The last thing i need is your pity, Pharaoh! If You're really evil there's only thing to do.
:'''Pharaoh:''' What are you saying? 
:'''Yugi''': You said it yourself, Didn't you? Your spirit should be locked away with mine. And I'm gonna do it!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Wait! You misunderstood me!
:'''Yugi''': Oh, So now you're taking back what you said!? Make up your mind! You don't deserve me to be a part of this world!
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[shocked]'' Yugi.
:'''Yugi''': It's about time you started taking some responsibility for what you've done! There's only one thing left to do and you know it! You need to be a man for once and face me in a duel now! 
:'''Pharaoh:''' No please.
:'''Yugi''': Too late! It's time for you to pay! If you're really sorry then you'll do this! It's time to duel!
:'''Tea''': Wait, So he's gonna duel himself. But why?
:'''Ironheart''': This is the only way.
:'''Tea''': Huh?
:'''Chris''': That's why we took you guys here. So the pharaoh can face his other half. He has to deal with what he did so he can put it all behind him and finally move on.
:'''Tea''': How do you know all this stuff?
:'''Chris''': We've always known this. We were taught that a warrior would come to save our world. And as soon as we found you guys, We knew that he was the one.
:'''Tea''': So, what's he supposed to do now?
:'''Ironheart''': His first step is to face his inner fears and conquer the darkness that lurks within his heart. But if he loses this battle, The pharaoh's spirit will remain here forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Yugi''': I'm just a reflection of you!
:'''Pharaoh''': What do you mean, Yugi!?
:'''Yugi''': You don't get it, do you? You and i are exactly the same. So the darkness that's in your heart... is also inside my heart.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, i wish i could take it back.
:'''Yugi''': Too late! You've already shown me who you really are an evil pharaoh who cares only about himself! Face the Facts! You didn't care what happened to me so long as you had power! Now it's my turn!
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, wait! Are you holding the card i think you are!?
:'''Yugi''': It's sounds like your starting to catch on aren't you, your highness? This duel is a chance for you to look at yourself from the outside. And there's only one card that can make that happen... The Seal of Orichalcos.
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh!? Yugi, no! ''[gasps]''
:''[]''
:'''Yugi''': Now it's pay back time, For taken my soul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami''': Yugi… Don’t do this! Snap out of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''':  YUGI NO!!!!!! I won't let you do this! ''[screaming]'' '''STOP!!!!!!''' I ACTIVATE THE TRAP CARD... DIVINE WIND!
:'''Yugi''': He did it! He was able to reverse my attack and double its strength to win the duel!
:''[blast on Yugi and he screams and making his Life Points drop to 0]''
:'''Pharaoh''': What have i done!? Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': ''[groaning]''
:'''Tea Gardner''': Is he alright?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi! ''[running towards Yugi]'' Come on! ''[holds his body]'' Speak to me, Please!
:'''Yugi''': You passed the test, pal.
:'''Pharaoh''': What are you taking about, Yugi? Did you plan this all along?
:'''Yugi''': It was the only way. By defeating me you were able to defeat the darkness that was inside your heart. It wasn’t easy, But you did what was best for me and for mankind. You acted like a true hero.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[in tears]'' But now what? What can I do?
:'''Yugi''': Don't give up this fight. Remember... I'm aways with you. ''[disappears]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[gasps see Yugi disappears]'' I'LL SAVE YOU! No matter what it takes.

==''Reliving the Past''==
:'''Téa''': ''[worried; thinking]'' Poor, guy. He still blames himself for what happened to Yugi.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[cries in tears after the duel with Yugi]'' Yugi, If it weren’t for me, You'd still be here. I'll never forgive myself. ''[Flashes back to their [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|last duel as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' Mark my words! I won't rest you until i get you back! Uhh! It's not fair! I should be locked away! Not you!! I’m the one who played that evil card!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Meet Orichalcos Gigas! Attack the Pharaoh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': I've got you right where i what you, Pharaoh. ''[evilly chuckle]''
:''[Rafael watches the Pharaoh and the Orichalcos soldier were still dueling with Obnoxious Celtic Guardian and Orichalcos Gigas still on the field]''
:'''Rafael''': Let's see you get yourself outta this.
:'''Tea Gardner''': He's about to lose!
:'''Ironheart''': There is but one thing that can save him.
:'''Chris''': The card he give you?
:'''Ironheart''': Mmm. ''[grabs the card]'' The Eye of Timaeus. The creature that fought by my side so long ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': ''[spots at Ironheart]'' Who is that?
:''[]''
:'''Ironheart''': Pharaoh! Take this card!
:'''Pharaoh''': Ironheart!?
:'''Dartz''': You've disrupted my plans for the last time, old man.
:''[lightning bolt strikes on Ironheart]''
:'''Ironheart''': AAH!
:'''Pharaoh''': IRONHEART! NO!
:'''Chris''': GRANDFATHER!
:'''Ironheart''': ''[groaning and collapses and holds up &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Please take this card from me. It's the only way to defeat the beast.
:''[Orichalcos blocks the Pharaoh on the field]''
:'''Pharaoh''':  I can't get out!
:'''Chris''': Grandpa!
:'''Ironheart''': It's up to you.
:'''Chris''': What do you mean, Gramps?
:'''Ironheart''': ''[groaning]'' Take this... and bring it to the Pharaoh. ''[Chris grab &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Otherwise, All hope is lost. Good luck. ''[disappears]''
:'''Chris''': ''[gasps, sees her grandfather disappears]'' No, Grandpa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': Chris, No!
:'''Chris''': ''[gasping]'' Pharaoh... ''[holds up &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Take this... please.
:'''Pharaoh''': What is it?
:'''Chris''': ''[groaning]'' It's the only thing that can stop him. It saved us once... and with your help it can save us again.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[grab and hold the card]'' The Eye of Timaeus.
:'''Chris''': ''[smile and eyes closed]'' I trust you, Pharaoh. Thank you. ''[disappears]''
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[see Chris disappears]'' Hold on! Come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''There's only one thing left to do, [looks at &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card] I hope you deem me worthy of your power, [close his eyes] I’m truly sorry for having betrayed you. But the lives are so many innocent people are depending on you, So I asked you not for myself, But for all those at rusk. Please help me, Timaeus. The future of two worlds hangs in the balance, [open his eyes] we must win! No matter what. [draws Dark Magician Girl card]'' Now I sacrifice my Celtic Guardian in order to summon Dark Magician Girl! ''[summons Dark Magician Girl]'' Next I'll play... The legendary Eye of Timaeus!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': He'll never learn.
:'''Rafael''': ''[surprised]'' I don't believe it. He should never have been able to summon that dragon!
:'''Pharaoh''': Dark Magician Girl, fuse with Timaeus, forming Dark Magician Girl the dragon knight! ''[]'' Next, I'll enhance your strength with my Excalibur magic card! ''[]'' Attack! Destroy his creature of darkness!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': This isn't over, Pharaoh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I'm assuming you see that gigantic green sunset over there, right?
:'''Tristan Taylor''': What do you think it is?
:'''Joey''': Hmm? ''[holds &quot;The Claw of Hermos&quot; card glowing]'' I'm guessing it's got something to do with this. Let's just hope Téa and the Pharaoh are alright. Come on! ''[ran off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Wait! It's your turn to carry Rex! ''[ran off to followed Joey]'' I know you can hear me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[to Timaeus and Dark Magician Girl]'' Well done, my creatures. He's gone now. Thanks to you two. But i feel this is just the beginning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I have to say i'm glad you won Pharaoh. 'Cause now i can be the one who delivers your soul to Master Dartz. ''[walks away]''
:''[Tea spots at Ironheart, Chris and Skye along with the three legendary dragons in stone]''
:'''Tea Gardner''':  Wait. That's a carving of Ironheart, Chris and Skye from 10,000 years ago?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes.
:'''Tea Gardner''': So you mean to tell me that those guys were just ghosts or something?
:'''Pharaoh''':  They're spirits who once fought a great war, and now they've been captured by Dartz. ''[Tea stands up then she and the Pharaoh turns around and walks away]'' This gives me three more reasons to hunt down this madman and bring peace to the world once again.

==''Deck of Armor''==
:'''Pharaoh''': Take my hand. We're back where we left off.
:'''Téa''': Nice. Now all we have to do is follow those railway tracks.
:'''Pharaoh''': That's right. If all goes well, they should lead us straight to Tristan and Joey. assuming they haven't wandered off. 
:'''Téa''': They better be there. We have to do what we set out to do. Figure out where this Dartz creep hangs out so we can set free everyone he captured.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, Téa. I only wish it were that easy.
:'''Téa''': And remind me never to get on the train again.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Inside Paradius headquarters Mai at the meeting room with Dartz, Valon, Rafael, and Alister after Joey defeats Rex Raptor at the middle of nowhere on the railway line]''
:'''Mai Valentine''': Just leave Joey Wheeler to me.
:'''Rafael''': You'll do nothing until Master Dartz gives you an assignment.
:'''Mai Valentine''': What is this, Third grade? I decide who I'm gonna duel for myself. I don't wait for the homework assignment.
:'''Rafael''': Why don't you show a little respect?
:'''Alister''': Come on, Raf, as if little miss loud mouth knows respect?
:'''Mai Valentine''': What did you call me?
:'''Rafael''': Relax.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Look, I was doing perfectly fine until Johnny stuntman over there stepped in. If it wasn't for you, i would a won. As for you, i don't need some scrawny freak dictating my every move! I'm out of here, losers! ''[opens the door]'' Humph! ''[walks off alone]'' 
:'''Dartz''': Just let her go, Valon.
:'''Valon''': Hmm?
:'''Dartz''': She can try to run away from fate, But in the end she'll get what she deserves.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': I know you’re deep down you feel the way I do, Mai.
:'''Mai''': What?
:'''Valon''': That’s why we found each other. You’re just like me… Lonely and misunderstood.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Duke Devlin''': ''[driving]'' Should we have left so soon?
:'''Rebecca Hawkins''': Of course. Time is running out. We have to catch up with the others now. ''[inside the caravan, Arthur was asleep]'' Besides, Gramps can get just as much rest on the road. Plus, we can't translate those ancient ruins without his help, Duke.
:'''Duke''': Huh? ''[spots at Valon with Mai Valentine]'' Hey Rebecca, look, It's Mai Valentine. But what's she doing here? Wait a sec! That guy... ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Joey and Mai's first duel]], Duke saw Valon next to Rafael watching Mai against Joey]'' I recognize him. He's one of those biker punks that brainwashed Mai. ''[cuts back to the present]'' He works for Dartz.
:'''Rebecca''': Stop the car, Duke!
:''[]''
:'''Duke''': Rebecca! Hold on! We’re dealing with a lunatic here!
:'''Rebecca''': Alright, Tell me what you did with Yugi?! You guys had no right to take him!
:'''Valon''': Sorry, kid, Never heard of him.
:'''Rebecca''': Well, maybe this’ll refresh your memory! I win, You talk! Let’s duel!
:'''Duke''': No, Rebecca! It’s too dangerous!
:'''Rebecca''': I’ll be fine. I’ve dueled tougher opponents than this. So what are you say, punk? Do we have a deal or not?
:'''Valon''': You can’t be serious, kid.
:'''Mai''': Here’s your big chance. Why don’t you show me your stuff.
:'''Rebecca''': Let’s go. I don’t have all day.
:'''Valon''':
:'''Duke''': Hold on! If you dueling her then you'll dueling me too, tough guy!
:'''Valon''':
:'''Duke''': Remember, Rebecca, don’t let him play the seal of Orichalcos.
:'''Rebecca''': Got it.
:'''Valon, Duke and Rebecca''': Let’s duel!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Valon defeats Rebecca Hawkins and Duke Devlin in their duel.]''
:'''Rebecca''': Fine, You won. Now leave us alone.
:'''Duke''': Get lost.
:'''Valon''': Very well then, I gotta message for Joey Wheeler, tell that punk he's next. ''[laughing]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': Téa, do you see what I see?
:'''Téa''': You mean all those weird lights?
:'''Yami Yugi''': I fear it’s the great beast. The same thing happened when it emerged the first time. ''[thinking]'' ''We’re running out of time.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Yes, Great Leviathan. Keep feeding, my child. You’re almost ready. ''[evilly chuckling]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': You think it’s true, Seto? I mean, could Yugi really have lost to one of Alister's partners in a duel? And does that mean he’s trapped somewhere now?
:'''Seto Kaiba''': It just means Yugi’s not as perfect as everyone thinks he is, and he’s not worth my time. We’ve got more important things to do.

==''Flight of Fear''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Alister''': As the challenger, I'll start! And I'll summon my Science Soldier in defense mode! That's all for now.
:'''Seto''': How pathetic. My move! I summon X-Head Cannon in attack mode! Now, X-Head Cannon, attack! Looks like you're defenseless.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[worried; thinking] If Alister plays that Seal of Orichalcos, Seto's in big trouble!''
:'''Alister''': No big deal. Watch this! I play Cyber Soldier of Dark World. And next, I'll place one card facedown and end my turn.
:'''Seto''': What a joke! My move! I summon Y-Dragon Head in attack mode! Attack his Cyber Soldier of Dark World, now! And now, X-Head Cannon, attack his Life Points directly!
:'''Mokuba''': ''[thinking] Alister's making this too easy.''
:'''Seto''': I think that's just about enough punishment for now. I end my turn. ''[sets a card facedown]''
:'''Alister''': You sound pretty confident, Kaiba, but you'll change your tune. You've been so pretty occupied with your own monsters, you forgot what I have waiting in my deck. I guess I'll have to remind you. It's the card I used on you last time and it changes the entire playing field!
:'''Seto''': Hold it! Did you just draw what I think you did, Alister?! ''[turns to Mokuba]'' Mokuba, get back!
:'''Alister''': ''[raises the card up in his hand which is The Seal of Orichalcos]'' I activate the Seal of Orichalcos! ''[laughs as the Seal of Orichalcos grows the circle which engulfs the room and knocks Mokuba away from it's boundary]''
:'''Seto''': Mokuba! ''[beams of green light shoot out of the plane and as Alister screams, the plane's controls end up being sabotaged, including the autopilot]'' This can't be real! ''[The Seal of Orichalcos rises Kaiba and Alister up to the top of the plane]'' What's going on, Alister?
:'''Alister''': ''[with his eyes glowing red]'' I just needed some air, that's all.

===''Part 2''===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Man''': Master Dartz, I've just received word from our business division.
:'''Dartz''': Yes, go on.
:'''Man''': The Takeover was a success. Congratulations, Master. Kaiba Corp  now belongs to you.

==''Paradise Found''==
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': I got the images, And my grandpa's looking them over now.
:'''Pharaoh''': Good. Let's meet up as soon as possible. Oh, And one more thing… I'm sorry.
:'''Arthur Hawkins''': Rebecca, You can't [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Trial_by_Stone|blame the Pharaoh for what happened to Yugi]].
:'''Rebecca''': ''[looks at her grandfather worried]'' Huh?
:'''Arthur''': There's far too much at stake for hurting his feelings. Right now, We're all fighting a common enemy. And this data may be our only hope.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[sadly]'' You're right.
:'''Arthur''': Pharaoh, The quality of the images is much worse then I thought. Unless we clear up these photos I won’t be able to read much at all.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Set a course for Kaiba Corporation headquarters immediately.
:'''Tristan''': Dude, are you nuts.
:'''Tea''': Dartz and his gang must’ve taken over the place by now.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': The only way we can process these images fast enough is by using computer system, so we have no choice.
:'''Joey''': Say what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba has a good point, Joey.
:'''Joey''': He does?
:'''Pharaoh''': First, they took Pegasus away… and now they’ve taken over Kaiba's company. Which means we've got to stop these criminals before they make their next move, and we have no time to lose!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Wow… You're more hung ho than I expected. You know, since you lost your title and all.
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba, this fight is about so much more than a mere championship dueling title. Don’t you see!? People are getting hurt and the world's in danger!!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Hmm. Blah, blah, blah. Don’t you get tired of making the same speech every time you’re faced with a challenge? Stop saving the world and get a hobby.
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, we’ll meet you two at the pier.
:'''Rebecca''': 10-4 we’ll see you there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Master Dartz.
:'''Dartz''': Take a look, Rafael. Your friend wasn't careful.
:'''Rafael''': ''[spots at Alister in stone]'' Alister.
:'''Dartz''': Don't sound so displeased. He's better off where he is now. Alister's energy, along with our other prisoners', will fuel the great beast. The Pharaoh and his friends will be arriving shortly. I trust you'll give them a warm welcome, Hmm.
:'''Rafael''': He won't escaped me this time. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seto Kaiba''': ''[to Roland and Fuguta sent a soulless Alister and soulless Rex Raptor to the Hospital]'' Take those two to the medical center. I'm feeling generous.
:'''Roland and Fuguta''': Right.
:''[The helicopter takes off to take Alister and Rex to the Hospital.]''
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': Good luck, guys.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Stay safe.
:'''Pharaoh''': Professor, I'm glad you're alright.
:'''Joey''': Me too. Hey, hows was the road trip, guys?
:'''Duke''': Could a been better. We hit a pretty big snag on the way.
:'''Joey''': Flat tire?
:'''Duke''': We ran into [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|Mai and one of those freaks]]. The one that jumped in and ended your duel.
:'''Joey''': That jerk.
:'''Duke''': He's really got it in for you, man. and I'm afraid Mai's still on their side too.
:'''Joey''': Grr. Just wait until I find him!
:'''Rebecca''': Hey, any word yet on Yugi? We have to find him. If you don't get him back, I'll never forgive you. Plus we need him to fight these guys!
:'''Pharaoh''': I miss Yugi, too. and I promise I will rescue him. You have word. But I need to pay a little visit to KaibaCorp first.
:'''Rebecca''': Let me come with you! You'll need some tech support.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Ha! This Isn't some kind of field trip, kid. But I guess you can tag along if you want.
:'''Rebecca''': I'm no kid!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Whatever you say, kid. I don't know about you geeks. But I have a company to save. So whoever's coming with me, let's move.
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': OK.
:'''Tea''': Good luck and be careful.
:'''Pharaoh''': Right.
:'''Tristan''': Alright, Tea. We better tell the police what's going on. The way this is heading we're gonna need all the help we can get.
:'''Tea''': Yeah, good point.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Policeman 1''': Why don't you start over and this time  try telling the truth?
:'''Tea''': Don't you understand? That is the truth. There's a motorcycle gang going around stealing people's souls with a magic card.
:'''Policeman 1''': Ha! You kids watched too many cartoons.
:'''Tristan''': We're serious. These guys are trying to take over the whole world.
:'''Policeman 2''': Really... Tell me something young man... this so called &quot;gang&quot;... do they wear a symbol like this!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Here i come you creeps!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': This is Valon, Go ahead.
:'''Rafael''': ''[on radio]'' The Pharaoh's friends are heading your way.
:'''Valon''': Good, Then is time for me to show Joey Wheeler who's boss.
:'''Rafael''': Valon, wait!
:''[Valon turns off the radio and hops on the motorcycle droves off on the way]''
:'''Valon''': ''I gotta prove me-self to Mai.''
:''[Tristan and Tea saw Joey was running in the streets in the middle of the night]''
:'''Tristan''': Look, Here comes Joey!
:'''Tea''': And there he goes.
:'''Tristan''': Hey! Come back! You're going the wrong way!
:'''Tea''': He's heading straight for the zombie patrol.
:'''Tristan''': Go warn the others, Tea! I gotta stop him! ''[rans off]''
:'''Tea''': Tristan!
:'''Joey''': ''I'm coming for you, Dartz and I'm not leaving without Yugi and Mai!''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

==''Fighting for a Friend''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Joey, Come back! I'm wearing the wrong shoes for this! Joey, stop!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': ''[stops and spots at the Orichalcos soldier]'' What's that?!
:'''Tristan''': Uh, Joey.
:'''Joey''': Yeah?
:'''Tristan''': Maybe we should start running again.
:'''Joey and Tristan''': ''[screaming]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, stop!
:'''Young guy''': You ever here looking both ways?! ''[droves off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Hold on!
:'''Joey''': You're going the wrong way!
:'''Tristan''': Turn back!
:'''Young guy''': ''[spots at the Orichalcos soldier]'' Whoa! Mommy! ''[falls off the motorcycle]'' It's just a dream... It's just a dream. ''[whimping and running away]''
:'''Joey''': See ya! ''[he and Tristan runs off as the Orichalcos soldier chases them]'' We've never out run this thing!
:'''Tristan''': Joey! 
:''[Joey punches the Orichalcos soldier but then it shatters]''
:'''Tristan''': You beat him.
:'''Joey''': ''[spots at Valon]'' Actually, I think he did. Hold on! I know you! [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|You're the one that took Mai!]]
:'''Valon''': Right you are, mate! ''[droves turns around away]''
:'''Joey''': Hey! Come back! ''[runs after Valon]''
:'''Tristan''': Joey, Not again! Come back!
:'''Joey''': ''[notices a motorcycle]'' This will do the trick. ''[puts the helmet on]'' Now... ''[picks up the motorcycle and hops on]'' Time to chase him down and save Mai! ''[droves off to chase Valon.]''
:'''Tristan''': Are you nuts?! ''[confused]'' I guess so. He's riding right into a trap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Meanwhile Tristan was running a middle of the streets looking for Joey.]''
:'''Tristan''': Joey! Where are you?! ''[Mai’s motorcycle light appears towards him]'' Is that you Joey?
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''[takes her bike helmet off]'' Not quite but I am looking for him.
:'''Tristan''': Look, Mai…
:'''Mai''': Save it, Dweeb! I know you’re his babysitter so where is he?!
:'''Tristan''': How should I know?! One of your little pals forced him into a game of cat and mouse and now he’s gone!
:'''Mai''': ''[gasps]'' It’s Valon!
:'''Tristan''': This is all your fault, Mai! ''[Mai puts her helmet on]'' You’re the one who got Joey into this mess in the first place!
:'''Mai''': Out of my way! ''[drove off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey! Get back here! The last thing he needs right now is you!! ''[Mai ignores him and he growls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': Here we are, old chum. Glad you could make it. Now let's get down to business, shall we?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Look, pal i want Mai back.
:'''Valon''': Then why chase me? She happens to have a mind of her own, you know.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': She did. At least... She did before you guys brainwashed her!
:'''Valon''': You don't get it, mate. No one was brainwashed!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Huh?
:'''Valon''': Mai chose to join our side with her own free will. And do you know why? She was sick of taking a back seat while you got all the fame! Then i stepped in and changed all that.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You messed with her head, that's what you did! She was the one of my best friends! But the last time i saw her she was saying things that Mai never would have said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': Wake up, Wheeler!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Who do you think you are!? and what do you what with me? Explain yourself, now!?
:'''Valon''': Okay, look, the name's Valon, I led you here to get rid of you for good, 'cause Mai can't be happy with you around!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Huh? and what does that mean?
:'''Valon''': You're a constant reminder of what here life used to be, and Mai whats to forget all that! But as long as you still exist in this world, she be never be able to forget! So, i'm here to erase you for good! ''[thinking]'' ''Plus, i know that deep down, Mai still loves you. and i can't have that!'' So, what do you say, Wheeler? Do we have ourselves a duel or not? Not that i'm giving you much of a choice! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You know what, Valon, I never back down from a challenge especially when i'm fighting for a friend! Now let's duel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tristan''': ''[panting]'' All right. I'm officially lost. ''[panting]'' Phew. I guess i can pretty much forget about finding Joey now. ''[but the Orichalcos soldier behind him]'' Huh? ''[Orichalcos soldier roaring]'' AHHH! YOU AGAIN?! ''[gulp]'' Hi, remember me?
:'''Duke''': Huh? ''[stop the car]'' Tristan!
:'''Mokuba''': What's going on?
:'''Tea''': Maybe we should get someone else behind the wheel.
:'''Duke''': Tristan needs our help, Look!
:'''Tea''': ''[looks at Tristan with Orichalcos soldier]'' Oh no!
:'''Tristan''': Come on! I’m taking whatever you got!
:'''Pharaoh''': Go, Celtic Guardian!
:''[Celtic Guardian attacks Orichalcos soldier]''
:'''Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Yami-Yugi/Téa/Rebecca''': Tristan!
:'''Duke''': Hey! Are you alright?!
:'''Tristan''': Huh? ''[sees The Pharaoh, Téa, Duke and Rebecca running towards him]'' Thanks, Pharaoh. You came in the nick of time. Of course, I could have taken him myself.
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm afraid the only thing that would have been taken is your soul had we arrived any later.
:'''Tristan''': I know, so those things are working for Dartz.
:'''Téa''': Hey, Where's Joey? I thought you guys were together?
:'''Tristan''': We were, Until he decided to hop on some guy's motorcycle and take off after one of Dartz's little flunkies.
:'''Duke''': ''[shocked]'' You're kidding!
:'''Rebecca''': Oh no! Was it Valon?
:'''Tristan''': Who?
:'''Duke''': It's Valon. He's the young guy that Rebecca and i dueled.
:'''Téa''': Is that a bad thing?
:'''Rebecca''': Not only does [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|Valon have a thing against Joey]], but he's got a deck full of monsters I've never seen before.
:'''Pharaoh''': Let's go. We have to find Joey before it's too late.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': That chump's gonna have to wait 'cause we've got bigger problems.
:'''Pharaoh''': What do you mean?
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Look around you!

===''Part 2''===

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': No, Not that!
:'''Valon''': Well, looks like you're starting to catch on, mate. I play the Seal of Orichalcos!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': We’re just getting started. By the end of this duel, you’ll be begging for mercy. Then your old buddy Mai will see what a pathetic chump you really are, and hopefully she’ll realize why she walked out on you in the first place so she can move on already!
:'''Joey''': Watch it, Valon!
:'''Valon''': Look, mate… All I’m watching out for is myself! And right now, the best thing for me is to get rid of you! 'Cause as long as you’re around, Mai's gonna be obsessed with dueling you.
:'''Joey''': Hmm?
:'''Valon''': That’s right. Since your last duel, all she talks about is a rematch. But I can’t let Mai put herself in that kind of danger again… So I got to you first. You see Wheeler, I’m not such a bad guy. We both what the same thing. We want Mai to be happy.
:'''Joey''': Come on, Valon… Get real. Ha. If you really wanted Mai to be happy… You wouldn’t have brainwashed her in the first place!
:'''Valon''': I told you, She chose to join us!
:'''Joey''': No way! I know Mai, and she never would have walked out on us like that. Not unless someone messed with her head! And if you asked me, This Dartz guy is messing with all of your heads!
:'''Valon''': Hmm?
:'''Joey''': That orichalcos card he gave you has evil magic in it, and it makes everyone who holds it go nuts!
:'''Valon''': Are you done? If you are, then allow me to tell you the truth. That orichalcos card did more for Mai than you ever could. She was weak, and it made her strong! She was lost, and it showed her the way! ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Dartz joins Mai to part of Doma organization]], [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#The_Creator_Returns|After she tooked Pegasus' soul she has to take down Joey.]] flashback ends]'' Mai can’t stand the sight of you. And neither can I, mate. So I plan to take you down for her. Once you’re out of the picture, she can move on to bigger and much better things. Like teaming up with me and leaving behind her past once and for all!
:'''Joey''': No way… Mai would never want to get rid of me after what we’ve been through. We’re friends. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#Keith's Machination|Joey and Mai inside the castle at Duelist Kingdom]]. flashback ends]'' Mai has nothing in common with you. So she may be a little rough around the edges and she can have an attitude every once in a while, but she’d never join up with a bunch of low-lives who have some crazy plan to take over the world.
:'''Valon''': We’ll just see.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': I know Valon's around here somewhere and I have to stop this duel now. I better be too late 'cause I’m gonna make Wheeler pay for what he did to me.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': Let's try this again. ''[typing the laptop]'' Come on... ''[groans]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Hey! Any luck in there, Rebecca?
:'''Tea Gardner''': You've asked five times. She's working as fast as she can.
:'''Duke Devlin''': Aren't you the one who told us to have faith?
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Why don't you get off my back, Duke! Joey's in trouble, and it we don't move fast things could get even worse!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Take it easy, Tristan.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': I can't, Tea! Don't you guys see that this whole thing is my fault!?
:'''Pharaoh''': No, Tristan.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': When Joey and I got [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On_the_Wrong_Track|separated from you guys]], he told me about his plan, and I should have talked to him out of it then.
:''[Flashes back to Joey and Tristan carry Rex Raptor on the railway tracks to find Tea and the Pharaoh, but Joey feels down.]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I just figured it all out.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Figured what out? What are you talking about, Joey?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Why [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Mai teamed up with those low-lives]]. It's 'cause I was a terrible friend. I let her down.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': That's crazy.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': But it's true. If Dartz my be the one that brainwashed her. But I'm the one that drove her away in the first place. Now I gotta go and set things straight by finding these guys and breaking that spell!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': But how? ''[confused]'' Aw, man.
:''[cuts back to the present]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': What was i thinking?! How could i let him do this?
:'''Tea Gardner''': Joey's got a mind of his own, Tristan.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking]'' ''Let's just hope he's using with his legendary dragon the Claw of Hermos.''

===''Part 3''===
:'''Rebecca''': Hey, i did it! I finally found Joey. If this read out's right, Joey's not far, guys.
:'''Pharaoh''': All right, I'll takes this and track him down. You move the trailer to a safer place.
:'''Tea''': Not so fast Pharaoh. ''[Pharaoh stops and looks at Tea and Tristan]'' You're not going alone.
:'''Tristan''': That's right. We're all this together.
:'''Pharaoh''': I guess You've made up your minds. ''[smiles]'' Thank you. Now let's go.
:'''Rebecca''': Ahem.
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, You stay here. Duke, can you keep an eye on them until we get back.
:'''Duke''': You got it.
:'''Rebecca''': No, I want to go, too. Come on, Grandpa.
:'''Arthur''': Mm-mmm We've got our own work to do. We need your talents back here.
:''[Rebecca sighs]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, as soon as Joey safe, we'll find Yugi.
:'''Rebecca''': Promise me he's all right.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi's going to be just fine. I promise. Please, trust me.
:'''Duke''': Come on, man, you don't have a second to lose, so go kick some butt and take names.
:'''Pharaoh''': Well, that's one way to put it.
:'''Tristan''': Let's chit-chat later, OK.
:'''Rebecca''': Good luck with everything.
:'''Pharaoh''': You, too.
:'''Arthur''': If you need us, just call.
:'''Pharaoh''': Right.
:''[They ran off together to find Joey]''
:'''Arthur''': Don't worry, Rebecca. ''[Rebecca looks at her grandfather]'' Yugi will be back here safe and sound in no time at all.
:'''Rebecca''': But how do you know?
:'''Arthur''': Because I believe in the Pharaoh, and you should too.
:'''Rebecca''': Fine.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': ''[thinking] You're mine, Wheeler.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[When Mai showed up and found Valon in the duel with Joey]''
:'''Valon''': Hey, Mai! You're just in time to catch the end of the greatest duel ever played.
:'''Mai''': ''[takes off her helmet]'' You and i had a deal, remember!? Joey Wheeler's mine! ''[Orichalcos blocks her]'' Ah!
:'''Joey''': Mai, no!
:'''Mai''': Look, you've done enough, so why don't you take a hike and let me finish this!?
:'''Valon''': Sorry, no can do.
:'''Mai''': Huh?
:'''Valon''': I'm having way too much fun out here to stop now. Plus this duel is no place for you.
:'''Mai''': Why's that?
:'''Valon''': There's too much at stake. I won't let you risk losing everything you have. That's why i challenged Joey Wheeler in the first place to protect you. I wanted to get rid of him so you'd be able to move on with your life, and that's exactly what i'm gonna do.
:'''Joey''': Guess what, Mai. I'm fighting for same reason.
:'''Valon''': Then let's get on with it! Shall we? I can't wait to see what you play next.
:'''Joey''': You're gonna have to wait, Valon, 'cause i play one card face down and end my turn.
:'''Valon''': Big mistake, pal.

===''Part 4''===
* After Joey defeats Valon and now it’s up against Mai for a rematch.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Joey and Valon were engaged in an armored standoff in the middle of the Oricalchos field]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's time to activate Big Bang Dragon Blow's special effect! ''[Joey tributes Red-Eyes Black Dragon to make Big Bang Dragon Blow supercharged]'' By sacrificing my Red-Eyes, I made my armored fist even more powerful! Now it's able to destroy all your monsters and subtract their strength from your Life Points! ''[Big Bang Dragon Blow builds up pressure against Valon and Joey sends Valon flying away from the center and destroying his Armor monsters]''
:'''Valon''': ''[skids to a halt]'' You did it. You won. ''[panting and making his Life Points drop to 0]'' Congratulations. Goodbye.
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''[gasps]'' It's my fault.
:'''Valon''': Don't be silly, Mai. I caused my own downfall. I thought if i won i could make you forget about Joey Wheeler. But now i understand why he meant so much to you. The guy's got heart.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon, wait.
:'''Valon''': Hey Joey, It's up to you now, Saved Mai.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan... I sense the arrival of powerful soul. Let's see who, shall we? ''[spots at Valon in stone]'' Well... look what the orichalcos dragged in. My former employee. Now it's Miss Valentine's turn to send me a soul... or to give up her own. ''[evily laughter]''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Mai hold Valon's lifeless body, her eyes full of tears]''
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon. Come back... Valon.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's too late. The orichalcos has him now.
:''[Mai remembers to flashbacks to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|what Valon said]] flashback ends.]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Hey, Mai... We'll get him back.
:'''Mai Valentine''': How could he do this? Valon's the one who told me you have to duel for yourself. Then he turns around and fights you to protect me? How pathetic. Hmm. He deserved this.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': What? Look, Mai, Valon realized what he told you was wrong. He found out what dueling is really about determination and heart.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Hmm.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': He fought like a true duelist today.
:'''Mai Valentine''': I thought you wanted to destroy him.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Hold on, Mai, Valon may have annoyed me... but no one deserves to have their soul taken away and then held captive by some power-hungry psychopath! I don't care who they are!
:'''Mai Valentine''': Ha.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You know what, Mai... I realize something now. As long as that Orichalcos thing has control over your mind, I'll never be able to talk any sense into you! As a matter of fact, the only way I can save you at this point is to duel you! So, what do you say!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai Valentine''': I see. So you beat this loser and now it’s gone to your head?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It isn’t like that, Mai.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Why else would you be dumb enough to challenge me a duel? You should have learned your lesson from our last match.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': The only way I can get through to you… is by dueling you!
:'''Mai Valentine''': If you say so. ''[activates her chaos duel disk]''
:'''Mai and Joey''': Let’s duel! ''[their life points to 4000]''

===''Part 5''===
:'''Téa''': We gotta find him!
:'''Tristan''': Joey! Where are you, man?!
:'''Téa''': Hey are you down there?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Joey! Answer us!
:'''Téa''': Hello?!
:'''Tristan''': I could swear that orichalcos thing activated right here.
:'''Téa''': Me, too. So why isn’t it here now? Unless we’re too late!
:'''Tristan''': Don’t say that, Téa!
:'''Pharaoh''': Hang in there, Joey!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' Congratulations. You win. 
:(''Collapses from exhaustion'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey, no!! You're wrong. I never attacked so you didn't lose the duel.
:'''Joey:''' But, I'm too exhausted... to finish.
:'''Mai:''' I won't let the Orichalcos take you away, Joey.
:'''Joey:''' It's too late for that. I already lost the duel, so there's no turnin' back. I'm just glad that if one of us had to lose our soul, it didn't have to be you, Mai.
:'''Mai:''' Don't say that.
:'''Joey:''' Hey, Mai, that was one of the greatest duels I ever fought. Thank you.
:(''His spirit is taken by the Seal, leaving Mai horrified'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey!! NO!!
:(''The fragment of the Orchicalcos on her [[w: choker |choker]] shatters'')
:'''Dartz:''' She's been set free! ''[spots at Joey Wheeler in stone]'' Ah! But what's this? It seems miss Valentine has served her purpose.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:(''Mai hold Joey's lifeless body, her eyes full of tears'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey, wait! SNAP OUT OF IT! This is all my fault! I was angry and confused, and I blamed all my loneliness on you! So I tried to get rid of you. How could I be so selfish? You're the only one who ever cared about me. ''[sobbing]'' You're the closest friend I ever had, and how did I repay you? By leaving you for a madman who promised me power. ''[grabs the Claw of Hermos card]'' I'll make him regret the day he ever met Mai Valentine!! ''[she hops the motorcycle droves off back to Paradius leaving Joey behind next to Valon.]'' ''The only way to fix this is to meet Dartz face to face.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Mai arriving back to Paradius headquarters and looks up]''
:'''Mai:''' Here goes nothing.
:''[]''
:'''Mai:''' Hey Dartz! Is that you?
:'''Rafael:''' Guess again, Mai.
:'''Mai:''' Rafael! What do you want!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Pharaoh, Tristan and Tea arrives and they found a soulless Joey.]''
:'''Tristan''': ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Tea''': What happened?
:'''Pharaoh''': He lost the duel.
:'''Tea''': Wait, Does that mean?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes his soul belongs to Dartz now.

==''Grappling with a Guardian''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tea''': Joey, please say something?
:'''Pharaoh''': I don't think he can hear us.
:'''Tea''': Then it's true. The Orichalcos took his soul.
:'''Tristan''': When I get my hands on the person who did this to Joey, they're gonna wish they were never born! Wake up, man.
:'''Tea''': Who did do this? ''[she looks at the soulless Valon]'' 'Cause by the looks of Valon, I have to say it wasn't him. So Tristan what's going on here?
:'''Tristan''': Don't you see Tea? Joey must have defeated Valon and then Mai showed up. ''She'' did this to him. I'm sure of it!
:'''Tea''': How could she?
:'''Tristan''': Easily. She couldn't wait to get rid of Joey.
:'''Pharaoh''': That's true, Tristan, However, There's only one person we can really blame for all of this, and I think you know who I mean. He hides safely in his fortress while others do his dirty work. Well, not anymore. ''[rans off]''
:'''Tea''': Pharaoh, Wait!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) This all ends now, Dartz.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': ''[voice-over, evilly laughing] We've been expecting you, Pharaoh''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pharaoh looks at soulless Mai in the elevator]''
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[gasps]'' Mai?  Mai, say something. She must have been in a duel, and it appears she lost both the duel and her soul belongs to Dartz now. I must put an end to this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Well, It's about time you showed up for our rematch.
:'''Pharaoh''': This doesn't concern you, Rafael. I'm here to see Dartz. Is your master so much of a coward that he sent you to do his battles for him?
:'''Rafael''': Not quite. You owe me something. But first. ''[holds a card and he catches the card to the Pharaoh]'' Why don't you take this?
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[spots the Claw of Hermos card]'' It's the Claw of Hermos. Joey's card. So you're the one who defeated Joey, aren't you?
:'''Rafael''': Actually, Mai beat Joey, then ''I'' defeated her.
:'''Pharaoh''': But why? Wasn't Mai on your side?
:'''Rafael''': I never trusted her, and turns out I was right all along. ''[Flashback to his and Mai's duel inside Paradius; voice-over]'' After she took [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fighting for a Friend|Joey's soul]], she turned on us.
:'''Mai''': I've had it with your ridiculous world domination mumbo jumbo and I want out! It's time for Dartz to answer for what he made me do to Joey. Let's see how he likes it when the orichalcos captures him!
:'''Rafael''': You sure you don't wanna take that back? Dartz isn't exactly known for his sense of humor.
:'''Mai''': So?
:'''Rafael''': Then you leave me no choice. It's my duty to protect him, so goodbye to your soul. ''[activates his chaos duel disk and Mai activates her chaos duel disk, voice-over]'' Biggest mistake she ever made.
:''[Rafael defeats Mai and she screaming as the orichalcos claims her soul away.]''
:'''Mai''': Joey! I'm sorry, I tried my best. ''[collapses and drops the Claw of Hermos.]''
:'''Rafael''': ''[voice-over]'' Unfortunately, her best wasn't good enough.
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Pharaoh''': This madness has to stop. Just think of how many innocent lives have been destroyed. You may be next.
:'''Rafael''': Do you think i really care? I made a commitment to help Master Dartz save the planet from crumbling at the hands of people like you, and if keeping my promise means giving up my own soul, well, then so be it, 'cause even if i'm captured, i'll be doing my part by giving the Great Leviathan the strength it needs to restore peace to the world once again.
:'''Pharaoh''': Wake up, Rafael! Can't you see that your so-called Master Dartz is just using you to satisfy his own selfish needs? If you really what to save the world, then stop fighting me and join my side.
:'''Rafael''': As soon as the great beast is revived, I'm afraid your side will no longer exist, Pharaoh, and all it needs to get started is one more strong soul.
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh no. It's true.
:'''Rafael''': You better believe it. as we speak, the Great Leviathan lurks in the shadows all over the earth. And as soon as i defeat you, your life energy will be offered to the beast, giving it the strength it needs to fully cross over into our world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tristan and Tea running the streets Tristan carried Joey]''
:'''Tristan''': Why did the Pharaoh take off liked that?
:'''Tea''': He must've gone after Dartz for what happened to Yugi.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': As we speak, the most devastating creature that ever lived is waiting to rise again. All it needs now is your soul, and the Sacred Seal of Orichalcos will take care of that once I take you down. Of course, I already defeated you once, but somehow you were able to cheat me by switching places with someone else. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Fate_of_the_Pharaoh|their last duel as the Seal took Yugi]].]'' Don't even think about trying to pull a stunt like that gain, Pharaoh. I don't appreciate being lied to, and besides, there's no one for you to hide behind this time, 'cause now it's just you and me. The winner leaves a free man. The loser becomes a prisoner to the beast!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're on! If that's what it takes to set my friends free, then let's duel! And once you're out of my way, I can go straight for Dartz! It's just a shame that a duelist with your talents has to throw it all away by following a madman.
:'''Rafael''': Look, Master Dartz opened me up the truth and made me who I am today. You're just jealous because you don't have one of these, right? ''[holds up the Seal of Orichalcos card]'' Well, not anymore, anyway.
:'''Pharaoh''': You can't tempt me with that again, Rafael.
:'''Rafael''': I wasn't planning on it, but you can have one last look at it while you shuffle my deck… for old time's sake.
:'''Pharaoh''': I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work. I won't give in to my dark side!
:'''Rafael''': We'll see about that.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) I must stay true to my heart, no matter what he tries to do.''
:''[Pharaoh and Rafael shuffle their decks]''
:'''Rafael''': May the best man win...and when I do, you'll be gone forever. I'm gonna enjoy this.
:'''Pharaoh and Rafael''': Time to Duel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Now I play Butterfly Dagger. This weapon gives my Backup Gardna 300 extra attack points. It also allows me to summon my Guardian Elma.
:'''Pharaoh''': I've never seen that Guardian monster.
:'''Rafael''': There are plenty of monsters in my deck you've never seen, and this one lets me bring my Guardian Shield back from the graveyard. And I'll give it to Guardian Elma. Plus, my Backup Gardna's special ability transfers my Butterfly Dagger to Guardian Elma. Now, Guardian Elma… attack his Queen's Knight! Guardian Grarl, it's your turn now! Attack his King's Knight with Gravity Axe! What now, Pharaoh? What puny knight stands between me and your Life Points?

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) He gave up his own strength to save his monster!'' I'll place two cards face down and end my turn. ''(thinking) I've never come across a duelist like him before. He refuses to let any of his monsters go to the card graveyard. He protects them at all costs! Why would a duelist like this hold a card like the Seal of Orichalcos?'' Rafael, don't you understand what's going on here? As long as you're loyal to Dartz, you'll never be true to yourself. You have too much respect for your cards to use them for such an evil purpose. But Dartz has brainwashed you into believing you're someone else!
:'''Rafael''': The only thing Master Dartz did was open my eyes to the truth.
:'''Pharaoh''': You're ''wrong!''
:'''Rafael''': This world is an evil place, and ''you're'' part of the problem. So I'm here to fix that. And thanks to my master, I have just the tool to do it. Now, I play the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Pharaoh''': NO, RAFAEL! PLEASE! DON'T!
:'''Rafael''': Sorry, Pharaoh, it's too late for that now. Your fate is sealed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Téa''': Hey look guys. It's Mai.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[looks at soulless Mai]'' Oh, man. Don't tell me you guys she lost her soul too.
:'''Tristan''': I don't mean to sound insensitive, but who's carrying her?
:'''Pharaoh''': You're making a mistake! RAFAEL! NO!

===''Part 2''===
:'''Rafael''': This time the Seal belongs to me!
:'''Pharaoh''': What were you thinking, Rafael? Now one of us is going to lose his soul.
:'''Rafael''': That's the whole point, Pharaoh. The Great Leviathan needs power, and once I take you down and capture your soul, that legendary creature will have the strength it needs to awaken.
:'''Pharaoh''': We'll see.
:'''Tristan''': That's the same guy who beat Yugi last time!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': ''[shocked]'' What?!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:'''Rafael''': It's time to bring out my ultimate monster, but first I'll play this card, Celestial Sword - Eatos!
:'''Pharaoh''': The Sword of Eatos? ''This can only mean one thing: he's about to summon Guardian Eatos!''
:'''Rafael''': Now I'll draw two cards. The time has come to play the card that beat you last time. It's my Guardian Eatos! ''[summons Guardian Eatos]''
:'''Pharaoh''': I have to act quickly! With 500 Life Points left, I don't have much time! ''[after Guardian Eatos is summoned and affected by the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Look what you've done to your Guardian! It's been consumed by darkness!
:'''Rafael''': Exactly, and it's more powerful than ever now. Nothing can stop it.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:''[Guardian Eatos tries to destroy Yugi's Dark Magician with her Celestial Sword and it breaks, cutting her attack points back to 3000]''
:'''Rafael''': ''[shocked]'' Say what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Allow me to clear things up for you. A few moments ago, I sent three monsters to my graveyard, one of which saved me. That card was this, my Electromagnetic Turtle! When this monster was destroyed, it created an electromagnetic barrier, shielding my magician from your attack.
:'''Rafael''': No way. He had that planned all along!
:'''Tristan''': In your face, meathead!
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) The Pharaoh's gonna pay for mocking the power of my Guardian Eatos.'' I END MY TURN!
:'''Pharaoh''': Perhaps you should've thought twice before you poisoned your own monsters with the dark powers of the Orichalcos. Take it from someone with experience. Betraying your monsters only backfires in the end.
:'''Rafael''': You played the Seal of Orichalcos once and all of a sudden you're an expert of the subject?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:'''Rafael''': You can't win a duel with defense, Pharaoh. All you're doing is stalling for time. Well, I'm afraid your time's just run out. Eatos, destroy his most valuable monster, the Dark Magician!
:'''Tristan''': Oh, no!
:'''Tea''': Pharaoh!
:'''Mokuba''': Do something!
:'''Pharaoh''': Magical Hats, activate! Hide my monsters!
:'''Rafael''': What's going on?!
:'''Tristan''': Awesome! Magical Hats shuffled Yugi's monsters so Blondie blasted the wrong one.
:'''Mokuba''': That's true, but he gets to attack again, so Yugi's magician's still in danger!
:'''Pharaoh''': All right, one of these three remaining hats is concealing my monster, so go ahead! Hit me with your best shot!
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) Three hats and one monster. I know what I have to do. I'll use Elma to improve my odds, then I'll send Grarl to finish things off.'' Go, Elma! Find his Dark Magician! ''[Guardian Elma strikes her butterfly dagger at the second hat]'' Now I have a 50-50 shot. Guardian Grarl, attack!
:''[Guardian Grarl punches the third hat with his fist, Dark Magician appears from the last hat]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Wrong hat!
:'''Rafael''': Oh, no!
:'''Pharaoh''': What a shame. Looks like you used up all of your chances.
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) How could I have messed that up?! I was about to win the duel and capture the Pharaoh!'' My turn's not over yet! I activate my Rod of Silence! This lets me play another Guardian monster, my all-powerful Guardian Kay'est!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:'''Pharaoh''': ''[horrified shock]'' What's that?!
:'''Tea''': I've got one word: nasty!
:'''Tristan''': Here's four: I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Pharaoh''': For the last time, what is that thing?!
:'''Rafael''': I told you-- when Eatos goes to the graveyard, '''''this''''' monster is summoned to the field in its place. So say hello to my Guardian Dreadsycthe!
:'''Pharaoh''': Hello and goodbye. It's no match for my dragon!
:'''Rafael''': It will be. First, I'll boost its strength with my Reaper Scythe magic card. Now, for the best part, thanks to its new weapon, my Guardian of darkness gains 500 attack points for every monster in my graveyard.
:'''Pharaoh''': But why? I thought you despised having monsters in your graveyard!
:'''Rafael''': But I despise you even more, so what's a few monsters in the grave if it means destroying you forever? And with only 500 life points left, you won't last long.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': I know first-hand what the Oricalchos does to a person's heart and I can help you. Think, when Earls was destroyed, you released your anger on your other monsters. You left the Oricalchos feed on your rage like I did.
:'''Rafael''': So? What's your point?
:'''Pharaoh''': That this isn't who you really are. The darkness within you has taken control, and now you must face that darkness head on. It's the only way for you to save yourself.
:'''Rafael''': ''You'' need to be saved.
:'''Pharaoh''': If you don't believe my words, then maybe this will convince you!
:'''Rafael''': What are you holding?
:'''Pharaoh''': A card that forces you to take a closer look at yourself-- Underworld Circle!
:'''Rafael''': What on earth does that do?
:'''Pharaoh''': BEHOLD! It's time to take some responsibility for what you've done, Rafael! Underworld Circle, activate!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Pharaoh''': First, I'll use the magic of Underworld Circle to bring my Big Shield Gardna back from the graveyard! Then, I'll activate my Pot of Greed! This let me draw two cards. ''(thinking) Excellent. That's just the card I've been waiting for!'' Time to face what you did…when you betrayed your heart! For now, I activate the magic card, Spider Web, which let me use a card from your graveyard!
:'''Rafael''': What's the point of all this?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm using my Spider Web to bring back your Monster Reborn card. And I'm planning on using it to save you by setting you free from the darkness!
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, whatever.
:'''Pharaoh''': I use Monster Reborn to revive a creature that once saved your life and that you in turn, deserted! ''[resurects Guardian Eatos]''
:'''Rafael''': Eatos?!
:'''Tea''': What's he gonna do with that card?
:'''Mokuba''': Hopefully win.
:'''Pharaoh''': One more thing. ''(thinking) Joey… I can only accomplish this with your help.'' I summon The Claw of Hermos!
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Joey! Check it out, man! He just summoned your boy!
:'''Pharaoh''': And now, Hermos and Queen's Knight, combine together to form Goddess Bow! That doubles the attack points of Guardian Eatos! And since Eatos has been removed from your graveyard, your Dreadscythe gets weaker!
:'''Rafael''': What are you up to? Our monsters are even now. So if you attack, they're both destroyed. But mine comes back!
:'''Pharaoh''': We'll see about that! I have a few more surprises planned! Eatos attack his Dreadscythe, NOW! I activate the special ability of my Goddess Bow! Now every time your Dreadscythe revives itself, Eatos can attack again!
:'''Rafael''': No!
:'''Pharaoh''': And don't forget, with each attack, you lose another card!
:'''Mokuba''': Of course! If Rafael runs out of cards, his monster can't come back!
:'''Pharaoh''': The dark flame of your Dreadscythe is now extinguished.

==''A Duel with Dartz''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tristan:''' Dude, what's with all these people chiseled in stone?
:'''Tea:''' They're just any people! Take a look!
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[spots at Yugi, Joey, Mai, Pegasus, Weevil, Rex, Alister, Valon and all many people in stone]'' Oh, no! There's Mai and Weevil!
:'''Tristan:''' This must be everyone who lost their soul!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi!
:'''Dartz''': ''[voice-over]'' What a touching reunion. Too bad your friends turned out to be a bunch of stiffs. ''[laughing evilly and reveals himself from fire]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' Dartz!
:'''Dartz''': You were expecting someone else? Well, due to the carelessness of my employees, ''I'm'' the only one left. You can't find good help these days.
:'''Kaiba:''' Look, I want my company back, so can the small talk!
:'''Dartz''': Is that so? Well, guess what? We all want something. As for me, I want your souls for my wall. I even have the spot picked out.
:'''Kaiba:''' Save it, Dartz! It'll take a lot more than a few party tricks to scare me!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Now, for the last time, release our friends!!
:'''Dartz:''' That's not possible.
:'''Pharaoh:''' What do you mean?
:'''Dartz:''' I mean they've already been put to use. As we speak, their life energy supplies to the most devastating creature that ever lived.
:'''Tea:''' Oh, great. Now, what?
:'''Dartz:''' My 10,000 year old collection is almost complete. Once I get you two, the beast can rise.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Hold on! You've been collecting souls for all those years?! Do you know how many lives you've destroyed?!
:'''Dartz:''' ''[snickers evilly] Millions!'' And each one of them deserved their fate! Take a moment to look around, won't you? Some of my favorite conquests are in this very room. And since it's taken me millennia to complete, it's quite the history lesson. 
:'''Tea''': He's right. Look at the outfits on these guys. 
:'''Mokuba''': So some of these people lived in the past? 
:'''Dartz''': Now you're catching on. Ever since the Great Leviathan was laid to rest, I've been gathering the energy necessary to fuel its rebirth. 
:'''Kaiba''': Come on, you expect us to believe that junk?
:'''Dartz''': Ye of little faith. Just duel me and I promise I'll make a believer out of you, For when you lose, there will be no denying my power. 
:'''Kaiba''': Then let's stop talking and start dueling. 
:'''Pharaoh''': You can't, Kaiba-- not alone. This lunatic is far too dangerous. 
:'''Dartz''': So why don't you join him? And when I defeat you, I'll get two souls for the price of one!
:'''Pharaoh''': All right. Ready, Kaiba?
:'''Kaiba''': I'm way ahead of you.
:''[Meanwhile… Rafael puts a soulless Valon on the back of the jeep along a soulless Mai on front seat]''
:'''Rafael''': Don't worry, I'll save you both. Mark my words, Dartz is gonna pay.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[After the Pharaoh and Kaiba summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon and Black Luster Soldier, both monsters with 3000 attack points]''
:'''Mokuba''': All right! Dartz better watch out! They just summoned two major league monsters on their first turn!
:'''Dartz''': Those pathetic creatures may work in your little card tournaments, but I'm afraid ''I'' play a completely different game-- a game in which the winner takes ALL, and the loser pays the ultimate price! This card was born from the darkness itself! ''[echoes]'' Behold, a power that has existed since the dawn of time. The very power that shall strip you of your souls! ''[plays the Seal of Orichalcos]''
:'''Kaiba''': Oh, no!
:'''Pharaoh''': The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Mokuba''': Whoa. Do you feel that?
:'''Tristan''': If you mean the sudden drop in temperature and that freaky evil vibe in the air, then yes, I do.
:'''Téa''': ''[worried]'' Me too.
:'''Dartz''': Now that I've set the tone for this duel, allow me to continue. Watch this. Arise, Orichalcos Gigas!
:'''Pharaoh''': I faced this beast before, and it was almost impossible to destroy, Kaiba.
:'''Kaiba''': That's 'cause last time you didn't have me to bail you out.
:'''Dartz''': Next, I'll sacrifice 500 of my Life Points. That let's me summon my Orichalcos Kyutora. And, thanks to the Seal, it gets an additional 500 points. All right. I guess that'll do for now.

===''Part 2''===
* This marks the only appearance of Dartz's wife and Chris' mother Iona in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': And so the Battle of Atlantis began! You see my father had opened up a gateway to the Dominion of the Beasts and he used the monsters within to form an army of his own.
:'''Pharaoh''': Tell me, what was the battle's outcome?
:'''Dartz''': Neither side were victorious and Atlantis sunk to the bottom of the sea. My father's monster army were scattered around the world and sealed away until they be needed again. The Leviathan was drained of its power and also sealed away. It's taken me 10,000 years to gather the energy necessary to bring it back. All that's left of me to do is to defeat you two in this duel. Then your souls will awaken the Great Leviathan and my plan will finally come to pass.
:'''Kaiba''': Hold on! We already defeated you! Our Master of Dragon Soldier should've wipe out the rest of your life points.
:'''Dartz''': Perhaps it should have, but I'm afraid it didn't. Your pathetic attack failed short of its target. So this duel is still on.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Orichalcos Gigas, return!
:'''Pharaoh''': I told you, Kaiba. Each time his Gigas is destroyed, it comes back even stronger!
:'''Dartz''': Face it, you'll never defeat me! The power of the Orichalcos will swallow you both! Now back to the duel. Since my Gigas returned to me, I can't draw a card. But no matter, everything I need is in my hand. So I'll enhance the power of the Seal with this-- the magic of Orichalcos Deuteros! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Kaiba''': What's going on?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Somehow he's made the Seal of Orichalcos stronger!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Dartz activates the Orichalcos Deuteros spell card, adding another layer to the Seal of Orichalcos]''
:'''Dartz''': Gentlemen, welcome to the second level of darkness!
:'''Kaiba''': The what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': I don't know how. But Dartz just added another layer to the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Tea''': Right! So what does that mean?
:'''Dartz''': The first benefit of my Orichalcos Deuteros, is the addition of 500 Life Points each turn for every monster I have on the field. Therefore, since I have two, that's 1,000 points!
:'''Kaiba''': What?! How are we supposed to wipe him out?!
:'''Dartz''': You're not. It makes me invincible! Next, I'll attack your Master of Dragon Soldier! Go, my Orichalcos Gigas!
:'''Pharaoh''': Nice try! But my dragon's too strong!
:'''Dartz''': Kyutora, absorb ''all'' the damage! ''[chuckles]'' My Life Points are safe. And now, my Gigas returns!
:'''Tristan''': That creep! He's letting his Orichalcos Gigas get its butt kicked on purpose, so it can come back stronger!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] That can't be it. His monster would have to be destroyed seven more times before it could defeat my dragon. So there must be more to his plan. Perhaps the secret lies in his Kyutora, and its ability to absorb attack damage. Yes! That creature must have another special ability!''
:'''Kaiba''': All right, Dartz, my move! ''[thinking] As long as that eyesore is on the field, it's pointless to attack his Orichalcos Gigas because Dartz won't lose any Life Points. Plus, Gigas will just come back stronger. But if I attack Dartz directly, I should be able to win the duel!'' I place one card facedown on the field! And next… I summon my Blade Knight! And since I have only one card left in my hand, Blade Knight gets another 400 attack points! I think that'll do for now. 
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] He's setting himself up for something.''
:'''Kaiba''': ''[thinking] Yugi better not screw this up for me.''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Kaiba''': Oh, no! That attack was supposed to hit Dartz, not his monster!
:'''Pharaoh''': It's a force field! But how did he create it? 
:'''Dartz''': By using the second layer of the Seal, of course. Whenever my Life Points are targeted... My Orichalcos Deuteros steps in to defend me. It's simple. ''I'' make a sacrifice so that your monster takes the hit! You know what that means, right? Your dragon just attacked itself!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Dartz:''' So tell me, Gentlemen, what do you think of my newest soldiers? I'm sure there's no need for any introductions.
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's not funny, Dartz.
:'''Dartz:''' Maybe not to you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's enough.
:'''Kaiba:''' Just drop the magic act and let's duel.
:'''Dartz:''' But we are dueling, you insensible twit. We're just doing it by my rules, that's all. Since I now control the souls of your former friends, I thought it would be fun to let them play along with us.
:'''Tea:''' Leave them alone!
:'''Tristan:''' What did they do to you?!
:'''Dartz:''' You should be thanking me.
:'''Pharaoh:''' And why's that?
:'''Dartz:''' I'm giving you one last chance to see your companions. Before their souls are gone forever.
:'''Pharaoh:''' You'll never take them away from us, Dartz!
:'''Dartz:''' That's right, Pharaoh. Let your anger consume you. Feel the darkness within you beginning to spread. The stronger your rage, the more powerful the Great Leviathan will be when it absorbs your soul. Now where we? Ah, yes. Mirror Knight Yugi. It's time to attack your other half.
:'''Pharaoh:''' No, Yugi! Fight it! I know you can hear me!
:''[Yugi struggles to fight against Dartz's command]''
:'''Dartz:''' What's this? My soldier is still loyal to you? How touching. [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Self_Destruction|Even though you turned your back on him, he refuses to seek revenge]]. That will soon change.
:'''Pharaoh:''' We'll see.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pharaoh:''' Kaiba!
:'''Kaiba:''' Just save it! That second-rate chump has held me back for the last time! Different Dimension Dragon Attack!
:'''Pharaoh:''' No! Don't do this!
:'''Kaiba:''' Too late!
:(''Knight Yugi's shield disintegrates'')
:'''Kaiba:''' No way!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': You don't look happy to see me, and after all we've been through. Where's the love? Don't answer that. I've heard enough lies from you. The Pharaoh opened me up to the truth.
:'''Dartz''': Really?
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, really. Thanks to him, [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Grappling_with_a_Guardian|I was able to escape the seal of orichalcos with my soul still intact]] unlike them and everyone else you used. Now set them free before you end up on that wall.
:'''Dartz''': Your soul may have been spared, but it sounds like the orichalcos took what was left of your brain.
:'''Rafael''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Dartz''': It means you're more gullible than ever. Do you honestly think the darkness that once controlled you is gone?
:'''Rafael''': Yes. The Pharaoh set me free.
:'''Dartz''': Did he... Hmm. Or did he just trick you the way you think I did?
:'''Rafael''': Stop it! You're messing with my head.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pharaoh:''' Rafael, You mustn't listen to him.
:'''Rafael:''' Everything is your fault. You took me from my family.
:'''Dartz:''' I needed your anger, your thirst for revenge.
:'''Rafael''': ''[enraged]'' YOU RUINED MY LIFE, YOU MONSTER!!

===''Part 4''===
:'''Dartz''': It's time to reinforce the sacred Seal with its most powerful layer thus far! Behold the ancient magic of my Orichalcos Tritos! ''[adds a third layer to the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Welcome to level 3, gentlemen.
:'''Pharaoh''': How can the Seal possibly get any stronger?!
:'''Dartz''': We're dealing with a force greater than the darkest shadows and older than time itself. Does that answer your question?
:'''Mokuba''': Whoa!
:'''Tea''': His Life Points are out of control!
:'''Dartz''': Orichalcos Malevolence, use your special ability to switch Kaiba's dragon into attack mode! So I'm afraid this is goodbye. With an attack strength of only 1400, your dragon is far too weak to defend your Life Points.
:'''Kaiba''': So that means…
:'''Pharaoh''': You lose!
:'''Dartz''': Now my beast, bring Kaiba's soul to me!
:'''Kaiba''': Wrong! I activate my Shrink card! 
:'''Dartz''': ''[chuckles and the third layer of the Seal destroys Kaiba's magic card]'' Is it beginning to sink in yet? When used properly, the Seal of Orichalcos is unmatched by any other card in the game! And due to its third layer, your magic and trap cards are useless against me!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Kyutora has ''another'' ability! Whenever it's destroyed, it '''''evolves!'''''
:''[Orichalcos Kyutora is destroyed and Orichalcos Shunoros appears]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh, no! What's going on?!
:'''Kaiba''': What is that?!
:'''Dartz''': My little friend is all grown up, so playtime's over! Gentlemen, I'd like you meet Orichalcos Shunoros!
:'''Kaiba''': Did you see what I see?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Unfortunately.
:'''Tea''': See what?
:'''Tristan''': That thing's got 20,000 points!
:'''Dartz''': Don't look so surprised. ''You're'' the ones who created this unstoppable beast! You may have destroyed my previous monsters, but you unleashed something far worse!
:'''Pharaoh''': It can wipe us out in one strike!
:'''Dartz''': You're absolutely right, but before I do that, I have some more bad news to share. Orichalcos Shunoros, activate your special ability! Release Orichalcos Dexia… and Orichalcos Aristeros!
:'''Pharaoh''': What's the meaning of this?!
:'''Dartz''': Allow me to clear things up. Shunoros just released two more creatures. The first one is known as Dexia, and its attack strength is always 300 points higher than the monster it's battling, making it the perfect sword! And the second one is just as strong. It will intercept every one of your attacks and retaliate with a blast that's 300 points greater than the one you fired, making Orichalcos Aristeros the perfect shield! You'll never get past my triple threat!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] Not only is his monster more powerful than Kaiba's dragon… but with Dexia and Aristeros on the front line, our attacks won't even get through!''
:'''Dartz''': I activate the trap card, Martyr Curse! This forces one of your monsters to engage in a battle with one of my monsters. And as a nasty little side effect, it cancels out any special abilities your creature may have. And since I don't seem to have much of a choice, I'll target your Mirror Force Dragon! Without its reflecting power, your dragon's completely defenseless, which means you're about to be out one soul! Orichalcos Shunoros, remove Kaiba's Life Points so the Orichalcos can remove his spirit!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Kaiba's Wish of Final Effort trap card increases Yugi's Life Points and loses his soul when his Life Points dropped down to zero…]''
:'''Dartz''': Pharaoh, it looks like you're the soul survivor. 
:'''Pharaoh''': You disgust me.
:'''Dartz''': I'll tell you what. Since I already have what I need... You can keep the rest of him!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz:''' Don't worry, Pharaoh. Your friends are fine. I don't need weak souls. I just wanted to spend some quality time with you, one-on-one. Is that so wrong?
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's enough!
:'''Dartz:''' But there's something I think you'll want to know. You and I met 5,000 years ago when you were king of Egypt. We may not have been officially introduced, but I was there watching you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Go on.
:'''Dartz:''' When the battle of Atlantis ended, I thought the Great Leviathan was gone forever. That is, until I met you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Hold on! What does that evil creature of yours have to do with me?!
:'''Dartz:''' I thought you'd never ask. Behold the Palace of the Pharaoh in year 3000 B.C.! Ring any bells? Hmm?

===''Part 5''===
:'''Joey''': Huh? I've had some weird dreams, but this one takes the cake. Wait, hold on. I remember being trapped in a duel, but... how did i end up floating around in here? 
:'''Yugi''': ''[offscreen]'' Joey? Is that you?
:'''Joey''': Yugi! Long time no see!
:'''Yugi''': I'm glad you're all right!
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': Please, bubble boy, you call this &quot;all right&quot;?
:'''Yugi and Joey''': Pegasus!
:'''Pegasus''': If we don't escape soon, we never will!
:'''Joey''': Hmm? Where exactly are we, anyway, Huh? ''[spots at Valon, Mai Valentine, Weevil Underwood, Rex Raptor, Alister, Rafael and Seto Kaiba]'' Wait! Everyone in here had their soul captured! This must be where the orichalcos spits you out after you lose a duel! Aah! Calm down. Maybe it is just a dream. Uh...
:'''Yugi''': It's no dream. And take a look, Joey. Things are about to get worse!
:'''Joey''': What's that!?
:'''Pegasus''': Don't you pay attention? That's the Great Leviathan, and it's using human souls for power.
:'''Joey''': It's doing what!? But i don't wanna be turned into soul food!
:'''Yugi''': We can still get out of this mess if the Pharaoh defeats Dartz!
:'''Joey''': Huh? But how see gonna do that? ''[looks at Seto Kaiba]'' Rich boy's with us now. That means.... The Pharaoh's facing Dartz alone out there!
:'''Yugi''': Wrong. Kaiba may have been knocked outta the fight... But the Pharaoh's not alone, Joey.
:'''Joey''': I'm afraid I don't follow, Yuge.
:'''Yugi''':  He's still got all of us. Sure, we're not right there next to him, but we've never let that stop us before.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, but I don't know if that's gonna work this time, 'Cause Dartz is playin' by a whole new set a rules. and nothing can take down that orichalcos card.
:'''Pegasus''': There is one thing that can help.
:'''Joey''': Huh?
:'''Pegasus''': It's the card i gave him. And if the Pharaoh draws it, He'll be able to unleash a force like no other.
:'''Joey''': In this card can beat Dartz?
:'''Pegasus''': Yes. You see, it was during a trip to Egypt that i was inspired to create the game of duel monsters after making an astonishing discovery. Ancient kings and sorcerers once performed dark rituals to conjure real monsters. These creatures were believed to have lived in a universe parallel to ours, and guarding the gateway to this dominion of the beasts were three legendary dragons known as Timaeus, Critias, and Hermos. But you already know about them, right?
:'''Joey''': Right.
:'''Pegasus''': What you don't know is that these dragons aren't what they appear to be. They were buried with a dark secert. So i created a card that unlocks this mystery.
:'''Yugi''': I don't get it. What's the secret?
:'''Pegasus''': I spent many years scouring the globe trying to find an answer to that very question, Yugi boy. First i searched the microscopic world for the tiniest clues. then i scanned the vast reaches of the universe, and still nothing. Other than on stone tablet hidden deep beneath the sands of Egypt, there was no record of the existence of these dragons. Then it dawned on me. What if these dragons aren't dragons at all? What if they're humans!
:'''Yugi''': Humans!? But how is that possible, Pegasus? and what does it have to do with that mystery card you gave to the Pharaoh?
:'''Pegasus''': During the battle of Atlantis, Dartz transformed three brave knights into dragons in an effort to weaken them. Now the Pharaoh must restore them to thier original form... Before we disappear forever!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Impossible! No one can overcome the power of the Orichalcos! You should have lost the duel! What's going on?! Why didn't the Seal take your soul?! Tell me! 
:'''Pharaoh''': You forced me to gaze inside my heart, thinking I would find only darkness. But you were wrong. 
:'''Dartz''': Then you gazed in the wrong place! 
:'''Pharaoh''': Look, believe what you wish, but I know the truth. My heart is filled with the light of friendship, and no magic can take that away, no matter how strong it is. So, thank you. You reminded me that my friends are always with me. And we're going to win this fight and take you down together! Dartz… It all ends right now! ''[draws and gasps; thinking] It's the card Pegasus gave me! I can sense it!''
:'''Dartz''': Well? Get on with it. 
:'''Pharaoh''': Do you know what's in my hand? The key to unlocking the secret of the legendary dragons!
:'''Dartz''': ''[gasps]'' What?!
:'''Pharaoh''': You heard me. Legend of Heart! I give up 1,000 Life Points and remove my Obnoxious Celtic Guardian from the field! This lets me summon Critias, Hermos, and Timaeus in their true form!
:'''Timaeus''': Finally! After 10 millennia in captivity, we've been set free!
:'''Dartz''': No! Not them!
:''[The three legendary knights appear in their true forms on Yugi's side of the field]''
:'''Timaeus''': I am he who is named Timaeus!
:'''Critias''': And I am… Sir Critias!
:'''Hermos''': I am known as… Sir Hermos!
:'''Legendary Knights''': In the name of Atlantis… we have been reborn!!!
:'''Dartz''': ''[shocked in disbelief]'' I thought I took care of you centuries ago! ''[The three knights destroy the Seal of Orichalcos with their swords; horrified]'' What have you done?! My precious Seal is gone!
:'''Hermos''': Your ring of darkness is useless in our presence!
:'''Critias''': Did you forget our last encounter?
:'''Timaeus''': I certainly did not. And I have a score to settle with you!
:'''Pharaoh''': The time has come to weaken your defense!

===''Part 6''===

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tea''': ''[in tears]'' It is you, Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Tea?
:'''Tea''': I thought we'd never see you again.
:'''Yugi''': It's good to see you, too.
:'''Joey''': All right, Out of my way people. Where's my little buddy? Ha Ha! Yug! Man did i miss this spikey little head.
:'''Yugi''': Hey Joey.
:'''Tea''': The gang is back!
:'''Tristan''': Don't forget about me!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

==''Rise of the Great Beast''==
* This is the 2-part fourth season finale.
===''Part 1''===
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' Monsters, unite. Without us all hope is lost. We must join forces with the humans! And together we shall defeat the Great Beast. Now go!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': That Leviathan's a goner! It's 3 on 1 up there!
:'''Kaiba''': I see you can count! Unfortunately, numbers aren't everything!
:'''Yugi''': You can do this, Pharaoh!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dartz:''' My Leviathan is fueled by the darkness of my prisoners!!
:'''The Pharaoh:''' Wrong, Dartz!! I was able to transform the darkness in their hearts to light! A light which now fuels MY beasts!!
:'''Dartz''': NO!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PHARAOH?!?!
:'''Kaiba''': Hey, look! I guess the Gods did pull through!
:'''Joey''': Told ya! That means everyone Dartz captured is free!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I'm back.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Look! It’s the portal that led us here!
:'''Joey''': Alright! Home sweet home here we come!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===''Part 2''===
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan, vanquish the Pharaoh's spirit for all eternity!
:'''Yugi''': Get out while you can!
:'''Pharaoh''': You must trust me!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': NO! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
:''[]''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Back at Monument Valley, Duke Devlin, Rebecca and Professor Arthur Hawkins saw dark clouds are lifting out to the skylight.]''
:'''Arthur Hawkins''': The Darkness is Lifting.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': You did it. ''[]'' Hey, are you all right?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm fine, Yugi, The Great Leviathan is gone.
:'''Yugi''': Yeah. Thanks, pal. It's over now. ''[spots at Dartz]'' But what about Dartz?
:''[]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, Look it's Ironheart, and Chris.
:'''Dartz''': Father, Chris, It's you.
:'''Chris''': Dad, you're back!
:'''Ironheart''': My son, At long last. And you have the great pharaoh to thank. He drove out the evil force that controlled you. 
:'''Dartz''': Oh.
:'''Pharaoh''': I knew it. Deep down you're a noble ruler, Dartz.
:'''Chris''': And a great father! I've missed you so much, Dad.
:'''Ironheart''': Your work here is now complete. You may go in place. Great things await you. So return now to your world by stepping through that portal.
:'''Yugi''': But what about you? Are you guys gonna be OK?
:'''Ironheart''': Yes, For the first time in centuries.
:'''Pharaoh''': Alright, Yugi let's go back home.
:''[Pharaoh and Yugi walked toward the portal and looks at Chris, Dartz, Ironheart and Skye and they walked off enter the portal and disappears Chris looks at her father.]''
:'''Chris''': Hey, Dad. We should go too. After all this time, We have a lot of catching up to do.
:''[Dartz smiled agreed with his daughter now the Atlantis is going down to the ocean and splashed towards Dartz's lair.]''
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Mokuba! Start the engines!
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': Seto!
:'''Seto''': We have to get out of here.
:'''Téa Gardner''': Without Yugi? No way.
:'''Joey Wheeler:''' Eh?
:'''Téa''': Don't you know where he is?
:'''Joey:''' Don't tell me.
:'''Téa''': You mean he's still in there!?
:'''Mokuba''': Time's running out!
:'''Seto''': Mokuba's right. We can't wait.
:'''Joey:''' Yugi!
:'''Tristan Taylor:''' Are you nuts man!
:'''Joey:''' Get your hands off of me Tristan! I’m not leaving here without Yugi!
:'''Tristan:''' Joey!, we have to trust that he found the way out on his own!
:'''Joey:''' YUGI!!!
:''[the gang hops in the KaibaCorp helicopter and takes off as Dartz's lair is washed down. Inside the helicopter Téa, Rafael, Tristan, Joey, Kaiba and Mokuba.]''
:'''Seto''': Good riddance.
:'''Mokuba''': I just hope Yugi wasn't in there.
:'''Téa''': Me, too.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[At the Hospital Rex and Weevil wakes up was that a dream.]''
:'''Weevil Underwood:''' Where am i? Mommy?
:'''Rex Raptor:''' Hey! Who's said that!?
:'''Weevil/Rex:''' Huh! Oh!
:'''Rex:''' What are you doing in my bedroom, Weevil!?
:'''Weevil:''' Your bedroom!? You're in a hospital, You dimwit!
:'''Rex:''' What happened!?
:'''Weevil:''' I know who fault this is.
:'''Rex:''' ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On the Wrong Track|Joey's]].''
:'''Weevil:''' ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On the Wrong Track|Yugi's]].''
:'''Both:''' YOU'RE PAY FOR THIS! YOU HEAR ME!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': Mikey, I know you're out there somewhere, And I'm not gonna stop looking until i find you.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': ''[wakes up]'' I’m home. (Where am I?) ''[thinking]'' Was that all a dream? ''[flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fighting for a Friend|Joey and Valon's last duel]]. Flashback ends he gets up the bed and the card fell off he spotted the Harpie Lady card and holds it walked outside the beach house and smiling looked at the sky]'' I'll never forget you. Thanks Mai.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''I'm glad that mess is over. Now to pick up the pieces.'' ''[In Mai's flashbacks, it shows the beginning of how she entered the Doma organization, when she met [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#An_Unexpected_Enemy|Yugi's friends and running towards Joey]] [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Fighting_for_a_Friend|before he became unconscious]].]'' ''Sorry Joey. But i can't face you yet. So i'm gonna hit the road until i'm ready to own up to everything i've done. But i'll be back.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' ''[voice-over]'' Yugi, Wake up.
:'''Yugi''': ''[wakes up and surprised on the beach and sees the sunset on the ocean.]'' Any idea where we are?
:'''Pharaoh''': It seems we've washed up on shore. But i wonder how. Someone must have guided us here. Hmm.
:'''Yugi''': Hey, look! ''[sees Dark Magician Girl along with Timaeus, Hermos and Critias appears]'' It's Dark Magician Girl!
:'''Pharaoh''': And she's brought with her the three legendary knights.
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' We four are forever in your debt. Not only have you rescued your own world, But you've saved the creatures of our world as well. Thanks to your fearlessness. The dominion of the beasts can once again flourish just as it did so many years ago. And by breaking the evil spell that imprisoned the legendary knights. They can continue to protect our land. 
:'''Yugi''': I'm just glad we could help.
:'''Legendary Knight Timaeus''': Thank you both. You fought bravely. Farewell.
:'''Legendary Knight Critias''': You two well never be forgotten.
:'''Legendary Knight Hermos''': For as long as we reign.
:'''Pharaoh''': Well, We couldn't have done it without you. In the face of ultimate darkness, Your couragfousness sparked a light so incredibly strong it will burn for all eternity.
:'''Legendary Knight Timaeus''': Thank you, Pharaoh. We shall meet again.
:''[The legendary knights flying off together.]''
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' The time may come that we need each other again. If so, You know where i'll be. Right there in your deck.
:''[she flying off with the legendary knights together]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Téa''': Look, those weird lights are back.
:'''Joey''': Well, that explains why? It's Dark Magician Girl and the three legendary knights.
:'''Téa''': I guess they’re going home. Now that their world is safe again.
:'''Yugi''': ''[sees &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card disappears]'' Well, Pharaoh there goes our Timaeus.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes Yugi, There goes Timaeus.
:'''Joey''': ''[sees &quot;The Claw of Hermos&quot; card disappears]'' Well, there goes Hermos.
:'''Kaiba''': ''[sees &quot;The Fang of Critias&quot; card disappears]'' Oh well... No big deal. My deck's still unstoppable.
:'''Téa''': I hope Yugi's all right. ''[spots Yugi on the island]'' Look!
:'''Mokuba''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': Eh?
:'''Tristan''': Huh? Hey! It's Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Pharaoh! Over there! They made it out!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're right.
:''[KaibaCorp helicopter lands on the beach and the door open]''
:'''Joey''': Yugi!
:'''Tea''': I knew we find you.
:'''Tristan''': Hey man!
:'''Joey''': ''[giggling]'' I'll never let this spikey head of yours is outta my sight.
:'''Tea''': Is it really all over?
:'''Yugi''': Yep, we're safe now.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[next to Seto Kaiba behind Rafael]'' Hey, Yugi!
:'''Joey''': Let's hit the high road folks, I'm sure there's someone else trying to taking over the world back home.
:'''Tristan''': You know the scary thing is he's probably right.
:''[The gang hops the KaibaCorp helicopter when Yugi sees the Pharaoh watches the sunsets down the ocean.]''
:'''Tea''': ''[offscreen]'' Yugi, is something wrong?
:'''Yugi''': I'll be right there, Tea. ''[The Pharaoh and Yugi looked at each other as the sun going down the ocean.]'' ''[voice over]'' ''We may have stopped Dartz, but the Pharaoh's not done yet. Now he has to pick up where he left off before all this craziness started 'cause the biggest adventure of all is still ahead. And it won't be over till the pharaoh unlocks the secrets of his past. He needs to learn who he really is and why he was sent back here. Maybe then his spirit'll finally be able to rest. Well, no matter what happens, one thing's for sure... whatever he finds out there... and whatever he needs to face... he won't have to do it alone.''

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Yugi Muto|Yugi Muto]] / [[w:Yami Yugi|Yami Yugi (or The Pharaoh)]] - voiced by [[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]]
* Joey Wheeler - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]
* Seto Kaiba - voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Téa Gardner - voiced by [[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]]
* Tristan Taylor - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|John Campbell]]
* Mokuba Kaiba - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]

=== Recurring ===
* Dartz - voiced by Wayne Grayson
* Valon - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Alister - voiced by [[w:Ted Lewis (voice actor)|Ted Lewis]]
* Rafael - voiced by Marc Thompson
* Rex Raptor - voiced by [[Anthony Salerno]]
* Weevil Underwood - voiced by [[w:Jimmy Zoppi|Jimmy Zoppi]]

=== Supporting ===
* Arthur Hawkins - voiced by [[w:Mike Pollock (voice actor)|Mike Pollock]]
* Rebecca Hawkins - voiced by Kerry Williams
* Duke Devlin - voiced by Marc Thompson
* Maximillion Pegasus - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* Solomon Muto - voiced by [[Maddie Blaustein]]
* Mai Valentine - voiced by [[Bella Hudson]]
* Ironheart - voiced by Brian Maillard
* Chris - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* Dark Magician Girl - voiced by Bella Hudson
* Timaeus - voiced by Dan Green
* Critias - voiced by Eric Stuart
* Hermos - voiced by Wayne Grayson

=== Minor ===
* Iona - voiced by Bella Hudson
* Gurimo - voiced by Mike Pollock
* Pharaoh Atem - voiced by Dan Green
* Yami Marilk - voiced by Brian Zimmerman
* Mikey
* Sonia
* Julian
* Paradox Brothers
* Arkana
* Bandit Keith
* PaniK
* Seeker
* Yami Bakura
* Gozaburo Kaiba

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (season 4)}}

[[Category:Yu-Gi-Oh! seasons|4]]
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)|1]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 2)|2]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 3)|3 Enter the Shadow Realm]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)|4 Waking the Dragons]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 5)|5 Grand Championship, Capsule Monsters and Dawn of the Duel]] | '''Movies''': [[Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie: Pyramid of Light]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Dark Side of Dimensions|The Dark Side of Dimensions]] / [[Yu-Gi-Oh!: Bonds Beyond Time|Bonds Beyond Time]] | [[Yu-Gi-Oh!|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'''''.

==''A New Evil''==
* This is the 2-part fourth season premiere.

===''Part 1''===
*This marks the debut appearance of Dartz and his henchmen Gurimo, Alister, Rafael and Valon.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Ever hear of stepping aside?!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Yeah! What's your problem?
:'''Gurimo''': The problem should be yours when I strip you two fools of your souls.
:'''Rex Raptor''': Does the Grim Reaper know you've raided his wardrobe?
:'''Gurimo''': ''[his eyes glow green, explaining the Orichalcos]'' ''Quod valedico vestrum animus.''
:'''Rex Raptor''': Say what?!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I-I think you just got him mad!
:'''Gurimo''': Rise on your feet and Duel! ''[activates his Chaos Duel Disk and Weevil and Rex scream in terror off-screen]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great deities of domination, i call upon thee. Use the pharaoh's force to penetrate the dominion of the beasts and liberate the fury of 10,000 years.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gurimo''': Your fate is now sealed.

===''Part 2''===
* [[w:Rebecca Hawkins|Rebecca Hawkins]]

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': Looks like someone needs a rest.
:'''Valon''': The boss warned us that the Egyptian God Cards and the magic of the Orichalcos might not mix so well, didn't he?
:'''Alister''': I think that geezer's just getting too old for this.
:'''Rafael''': Well, that's why we made him Duel first, right? To test the Pharaoh's strength.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Now why does all these weird stuff always happen to us? ''[Yugi is silent]'' You've gotta admit, it's true.
:''[Rebecca runs up to meet Yugi]''
:'''Rebecca''': Yugi! ''[Hugs Yugi]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[Very surprised]'' Uh, hey....you!
:'''Rebecca''': Oh no, don't tell me you forgot about me already!
:'''Tristan''': Yet another weird event to add to the list.
:'''Joey''': And this one tops them all.
:'''Tristan''': It's probably best if we don't interfere!
:'''Tea''': ''[Leaning towards Yugi]'' Do you know this person, Yugi?
:'''Yugi''': Um, I don't think so.
:'''Rebecca''': Maybe this will refresh your memory! ''[Holds up a card]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[After flashback]'' Ah, Rebecca!
:'''Joey''': It's that brat!
:'''Rebecca''': Hi! ''[Big smile; waves her hand]''
:'''Joey''': Wait, she looks different. Did she get a haircut or something?
:'''Tristan''': No dude, she traded her teddy bear for glasses.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[Hugs Yugi]'' I don't need a bear... now that I've got a boyfriend to protect me!
:'''Tea''': Um, excuse me? A boyfriend!?
:'''Rebecca''': ''[Another hug]'' My grandpa is also really excited to see you Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Professor Hawkins?
:'''Rebecca''': Yeah, he's waiting at the Museum.
:'''Tea''': Grrr... ''[Anime vein throb]''
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Arthur''': Remarkable, Isn't it?
:'''Solomon''': That's my boy.
:'''Yugi''': Hey, guys!
:'''Arthur''': Yugi Muto. You're just the person i need to see. I have a theory that all of these monster sightings have something to do with you.
:'''Yugi''': Huh.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': Here we are, gang, Home, sweet home.
:'''Rafael''': Wait til the boss hears we found the Pharaoh.

==''Legend of the Dragons''==
* This marks the debut appearance of Timaeus.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': We located the Pharaoh, Master. Unfortunately, we weren't able to capture his soul.
:'''Dartz''': I didn't expect you to defeat him this soon. We've just begun.
:'''Rafael''': But you know me, Master. I never come back empty handed. ''[walks forward with a small wooden box, and opens it to reveal the three Egyptian God Cards inside]''
:'''Dartz''': Excellent, the Egyptian Gods. ''[reaches out and takes the three cards in his hand]'' At long last. I've waited an eternity to hold their power in my hands. ''[the cards begin glowing]'' I finally possess the supreme force necessary to awaken the Great Beast! ''[walks to the altar at the far end of the temple]'' Soon we shall rid the Earth of mankind, and rebuild civilization as it once was! ''[places the Egyptian God Cards in the mouths of three huge stone serpents, with Ra in the middle, Slifer on the right and Obelisk on the left]'' Serpents of the Orichalcos, please hear my call! ''[raises his hands in worship]'' I offer thee the Gods of Egypt! Use their divine might to unlock the sacred chamber of the Great Beast! Awaken him from his ancient slumber by accepting my offering! 
:''[Dartz laughs evilly as the three cards emanate a powerful beam of energy, which then shoots up past the temple roof and into the sky, culminating in an explosion of white light which clears to reveal an array of multicoloured lights floating in the sky]'' 
:'''Dartz''': The time has arrived, my friends. Finally, after ten thousand years, the Great Leviathan shall rise again!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dark Magician Girl''': We’ve only just begun. The great beast is still weak so he retreated for the moment. And for that my companions and I are truly my Pharaoh. But many of us remain prisoners on the other side.
:'''Yugi''': What’s next?
:'''Dark Magician Girl''': The great beast will return again… and his power will grow! He must be stopped before he is fully restored! Time is running out!

==''The Creator Returns''==
:'''Dartz''': Rafael!
:'''Rafael''': Yes, Master Dartz. ''[kneels before Dartz]'' I know what to do. I'll find the Pharaoh. And this time, I'll make sure we drain his power to feed the Great Beast, sir.
:'''Dartz''': Why don't you try listening? It's really a wonderful skill. ''[turns around]'' And when you master it, you'll realise that we need more than just the Pharaoh's soul!
:'''Alister''': Then we'll deal with the others too. I'll take Kaiba.
:'''Valon''': I got my eye on someone too. That feisty little bloke Joey Wheeler. ''[laughs]'' He should be fun to take apart.
:'''Alister''': I know why you're after Wheeler.
:'''Valon''': Mind your own business, Alister! What about you? Why the sudden interest in Kaiba?
:'''Alister''': Look, I have my reasons, Valon.
:'''Valon''': Really?!
:'''Rafael''': Knock it off! We're in the presence of Master Dartz!
:'''Dartz''': The Pharaoh and his friends are on his way to speak with the one we've been watching. Just make certain that you reach him before they do. 
:'''Rafael''': Pegasus?
:'''Dartz''': And to think, I called you a bad listener. Now go see Pegasus at once!
:''[Alister and Valon join Rafael in kneeling before Dartz]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': I can’t believe the very monsters I made famous and now terrorising people around the world. Oh. Talk about bad publicity.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Do you always talk to yourself like that?
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': ''[turns looks at the window shelf a strange figure is Mai Valentine]'' Huh?
:'''Mai Valentine''': You got to get yourself some friends, honey.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': But how did you get past my security?
:'''Mai Valentine''': I guess your office isn’t as secure as you think it is, money bags.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': I know you, you’re Mai Valentine. Tell me, why did you come here?
:'''Mai Valentine''': Good question. I came here to duel you. And to take your soul.
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': '''NOOOOO!'''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': Why the long face, Mai? You just accomplished your first mission with flying colors.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Yeah, i know, Valon. But defeating Maximilion Pegasus meant nothing to me.
:'''Valon''': Huh?
:'''Mai Valentine''': There's only one person out there i need to take apart, and that chump is Joey Wheeler.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Yugi and his friends at the airport]''
:'''Yugi''': I'll see you soon, Grandpa.
:'''Solomon''': Take care, Yugi. And don't forget to keep your seats upright during takeoff. And don't fill up on peanuts.
:'''Yugi''': Sure, bye, Grandpa.
:'''Tea Gardner''': Well, we're off.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Thanks for the ride.
:'''Solomon''': You kids be careful, now!
:''[Weevil and Rex are sneaking to followed Yugi and his friends to hiding in the bag.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''': Kaiba boy! I missed you!

==''Deja Duel!''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Mokuba''': Seto, We're approaching Duelist Kingdom.
:'''Seto''': I'll try to make this quick. The less time i spend here, the better.
:'''Mokuba''': Me, too. This place has nothing but bad memories.
:'''Seto''': Initiate the landing sequence now.
:'''Mokuba''': You got it.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pegasus''': I just haven't been myself lately. in fact... ''[in Alister's voice]'' I mean that quite literally.
:'''Mokuba''': What's going on?
:'''Alister''': Surprise! ''[chuckling]''
:''[he rips himself off, revealing Alister]''
:'''Alister''':  I've waited for this day for a long time, Kaiba-boy.
:'''Seto''': You're gonna pay for tricking me like that!
:'''Alister''': ''[as Pegasus' voice]'' Pretty good imitation, right?  
:'''Seto''': Identify yourself.
:'''Alister''': ''[normal voice]'' Alister's the name, Kaiba boy! Now let's duel!! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Seto''': ''[growl]''
:'''Alister''': ''[draw the card]'' Hm. ''[holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' This magic card is about to change everything. Activating the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Seto''': What's that?
:'''Mokuba''': This is nuts!
:'''Seto''': Explain yourself now!
:'''Alister''': Oh, as if you're gonna believe me?
:'''Seto''': Try me.
:'''Alister''': We're trapped in here till the duel's over. Then once i crush you, i'll be able to get out. Hmm. Of course, you on the other hand won't be quite as lucky as myself Kaiba boy.
:'''Seto''': What do you mean?
:'''Alister''': When you lose, your soul will be locked away for all eternity... But this time, you won't be set free!
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 2''===
* This marks the only appearance of Alister's brother Mikey in flashbacks.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': It used to be my brother's! But I’ll see him again… 'cause your father took him away from me!!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

==''An Unexpected Enemy''==
* [[w:Mai Valentine|Mai Valentine]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Someone out there likes to crash parties. Let's find out who. ''[drives off]''
:'''Valon''': I already know. And I know just where she's going too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai''': You heard me. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#The Creator Returns|she and Pegasus' duel at Industrial Illusions]].]'' Alright, gang. ''[holds up the card is Maximillion Pegasus' soul is captured by the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Say hello to Pegasus.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Tristan''': Whoa... Is that really him?
:'''Téa''': Ah... Question: Did you do that to him?
:'''Joey''': Look! You better start talking!
:'''Valon''': ''[offscreen]'' or else what!?
:'''Joey''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Joey, Yami Yugi, Téa and Tristan spots at Valon and Rafael on top]''
:'''Valon''': What's the matter, Wheeler, did your little reunion with Mai not go as well as you expected it to do? ''[to Mai]'' And you! Why are you keeping these guys all for yourself, Mai? Why don't you show some manners and share the fun with us?
:'''Mai''': Mind your own business, you lackey. These geeks are mine, so deal with it.
:'''Joey''': Geeks!? But we're your friends, Mai. ''[flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_3)#One_for_the_Road|Joey and Mai after the battle city finals]].]'' Please, Mai, tell me this is all a joke! You're on ''our'' side, remember?!
:'''Tristan''': Great. Mai totally sold us out!
:'''Téa''': No! Mai would never do that! Tell him. You're still our friend, right?
:'''Yami-Yugi''': Time to explain yourself.
:'''Mai''': I was never a part of your little playgroup. And now I'm gonna break you apart one-by-one. ''[activates her chaos duel disk]'' And Wheeler… I'm starting with you!
:'''Joey''': Fine!
:'''Mai''': It's payback time, and it all starts, now! And to think, I was once pathetic enough to call you my friend. But now I know the truth! You were holding me back from achieving true power! So say hello to my real friend… THE SEAL OF ORICHALCOS! This card's done for me than you losers ever could! ''[activates the card, sealing herself and Joey in it]''
:'''Yami-Yugi''': No! Not this!
:'''Mai''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' If you're scared now, just wait till you lose.
:'''Joey''': Wake up, Mai! This thing's nothing but bad news! It's messing up your head, big time! Don't you remember everything we've been through together? Just ditch that freaky card, and things can be that way they use to be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami-Yugi''': It's exactly as I feared. The Orichalcos controls her! This duel must end.
:'''Téa''': Otherwise, she's gonna do the same thing to Joey that she did to Pegasus!

==''My Freaky Valentine''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Mai''': What are you waiting for, Wheeler?
:'''Joey''': I'm waiting for you to come to your senses!
:'''Tristan''': She's lost it. How can she side with the enemy?!
:'''Téa''': It's all because of that Orichalcos thing!
:'''Pharaoh''': Now, one of them will lose their soul.
:'''Téa''': No, you can't do this! Don't you see you're letting that magic card control you, Mai! You're putting your own life in danger!
:'''Yugi''': They can't go through with this! We've got to do something!
:'''Pharaoh''': But the Puzzle is powerless against that seal.
:'''Valon''': Ey, Pharaoh! Quit mumblin' to yourself down there, will ya? In case you didn't realize this last time, nothing can break the Seal of Orichalcos! Once it appears, it doesn't disappear until a soul's been captured! 
:'''Rafael''': And don't think you're off the hook, Pharaoh. As soon as the girl takes your friend's soul, I'm takin' yours.
:'''Mai''': Get back in your cage, gorilla boy! When I'm done with Wheeler… Yugi belongs to me!
:'''Pharaoh''': But why?
:'''Téa''': She's nuts!
:'''Rafael''': I never liked her. No respect. Any more lip from Mai and she's next.
:'''Valon''': Aw, give the girl a break, will ya? She's still new at all this, mate. Plus, she's kinda cute when she gets mad, don't ya think?
:'''Rafael''': Uh, no.
:'''Mai''': When are you gonna make your move, hotshot? This year would be nice. 
:'''Joey''': What did I say?! I'm not gonna duel against you, Mai! 
:'''Mai''': Afraid you're not good enough? Afraid you're gonna lose like you did in Battle City?! I shoulda known you'd back down!
:'''Joey''': Actually, I'm afraid I'm gonna win. 'Cause if I do… You're gonna pay for it by givin' up your soul! 
:'''Mai''': I have no soul!
:'''Téa''': ''[shocked by what Mai said]'' You hear that?!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:''[Mai activates her Nightmare Tri-Mirror trap card to transform the reflection of Joey's Scapegoats into four more Harpie Ladies, giving her a total of six Harpie Ladies on her side of the field]''
:'''Tristan''': Wait just a second, she can't have six monsters in play!
:'''Pharaoh''': Remember, Tristan, thanks to the Seal of Orichalcos, Mai is allowed to have up to ''ten'' monsters on the field at once.
:'''Tristan''': D'oh! Stupid magic thing!
:'''Mai''': Now this is what I call, &quot;girl power!&quot; You're up against six Haripe Ladies all enhanced with the power of my magic card! I place one card facedown on the field. It was nice knowin' ya! I've got six Harpie Ladies and one big magic circle, and we all agree you're in over your head, Wheeler. Lucky for you, it's your move or I'd finish you off right now. So what's it gonna be?
:'''Tristan''': There's nothing he can do! Mai backed Joey into a corner and now he's stuck there!
:'''Yugi''': Tristan's got a point. If Joey doesn't do something quick, Mai is gonna win the duel!
:'''Pharaoh''': That's true. And as long as the Seal of Orichalcos is on the field, Mai has all sorts of advantages. It even seems as though there are certain magic and trap cards that only she is allowed to use.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

:'''Joey''': I summon Panther Warrior in attack mode! Now, I sacrifice one scapegoat so my panther can attack!
:'''Mai''': I reveal my facedown card! Harpie Lady Sparrow Formation!
:'''Joey''': What?!
:'''Mai''': My Harpie Ladies have all joined forces to repel your attack!
:'''Tristan''': Mai didn't have that card back in Battle City.
:'''Téa''': You're right.
:'''Pharaoh''': It seems as though she's gone through more than a few changes since the last time we saw her-- including a stronger deck!
:'''Joey''': Look, Mai... I don't know what kind of spell these guys put on ya but you gotta wake up! Otherwise we're both gonna be in pretty big trouble! 
:'''Mai''': What spell!? No one's controlling me! ''[looks up on Valon and Rafael]'' Those two lackeys up there couldn't control my left pinky. I was sick of my life... So I chose to change it!
:''[Téa, Tristan and the Pharaoh gasps]''
:'''Joey''': ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Téa''': How could you!?
:'''Mai''': You guys wouldn't understand. You've never been an outsider like me... All alone. Duel monsters is all I have. And after [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 3)|the Battle City tournament]] I set out to become the best. I duel against chump after chump to improve my dueling skills. I needed to make a name for myself.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': I stopped whining like a loser and started taking control! Now nothing can stop me!
:'''Joey''': I never knew you felt that way. Why didn't you tell us you were so unhappy? We could've helped you, Mai!
:'''Mai''': SAVE IT! I don't need your kind of help! All I need now is power! And I'm about to unleash all of it on ''you!'' ''[draws]'' I play Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation! Since I have six Harpies on the field, it lets me destroy up to six of your monsters!
:'''Tristan''': Hold on! Joey's only got three left!
:'''Téa''': That means once Mai's Harpie Ladies attack, he'll be defenseless!
:'''Pharaoh''': That's not all. Mai's magic card will also subtract the sum of Joey's monsters' attack points from ''his'' Life Points.
:'''Mai''': Now, Harpie Ladies… unite and destroy every one of his monsters! Say goodbye to your three monsters, Wheeler! Someone is one attack away from losing their soul and I don't think it's me, sweetheart. Any last requests?
:'''Tristan''': Mai's got 4000 points! She hasn't even lost one! And Joey's down to his last 200! Not to mention the fact that he's out of monsters!
:'''Téa''': If he doesn't think of something right now, he's gonna lose the duel!

===''Part 2''===
:'''Yugi''': There is a way for Joey to end this duel without someone getting hurt, isn't there?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, but it won't be easy. The Seal of Orichalcos is powerful. However, it does have limitations. It can only capture a soul when a duelist loses, and there it lies the secret to escaping its wrath.
:'''Yugi''': I don't get it.
:'''Pharaoh''': Let's hope Joey does.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': It's a regalia party, What are you guys doing here?
:'''Weevil''': It’s that magic circle!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Joey picked his own trap card in the middle, canceling Mai's attack]''
:'''Tristan''': I knew he could do it!
:'''Téa''': You go!
:'''Weevil''': Now that's luck.
:'''Rex''': Yeah, next time I play Bingo, I'm bringin' him!
:'''Valon''': Well, there goes your theory.
:'''Joey''': Looks like your last attack didn't work. So I'm still in the game!
:'''Mai''': For now, maybe.
:'''Téa''': That's cool. At least Joey bought himself a little time.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, but it did come with a price, Téa.
:'''Mai''': Impressive. But your little maneuver helped me out, too.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, I know. Now you get to put the two cards you picked at the top of your deck.
:'''Téa''': Oh, no! Now she can use those two cards again!
:'''Pharaoh''': Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation and Harpie Sparrow Formation. Those are two of Mai's most powerful cards!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Rafael''': Valon, what are you doing!?
:'''Valon''': With this fragment of the Orichalcos stone… I unlock the seal!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': Joey, are you alright. Joey!
:'''Tristan''': Oh man.
:'''Téa''': Why did he do that?
:'''Rafael''': What were you thinking, Valon? You betrayed Master Dartz and risked your own soul! And you mean to tell me you did all that so you just saved some girl, Valon.
:'''Valon''': She's not just some girl, Rafael!
:'''Rafael''': Would you listen to yourself, Valon!? ''[growls]'' I’ll make up for this… By taken your soul, Pharaoh. The power around my neck puts your puzzle to shame.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Where’s Mai? Did those punks take her?
:'''Téa''': Guess so.
:'''Tristan''': Yeah. She gone.
:'''Joey''': ''[gasps]'' Oh no, I was so close. ''[groans]'' I'LL GET YOU BACK MAI!!
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;

==''The Challenge''==
:'''Seto Kaiba''': No way! My mind must be playing tricks on me!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I doubt that. My card seens to be doing the same thing, Kaiba!
:'''Yami Yugi''': It feels as though these three dragons are calling out to us. 
:'''All''': Uhh!
:'''Yami''': I was told that fate had chosen three modern-day warriors to release these legendary beasts.
:'''Kaiba''': Chosen by fate? Get real. I'm the one who decides my fate, Yugi! Not some fairy tale about mythical dragons and giant man-eating monsters.
:'''Yami''': Be reasonable for once! The world needs us! We do this as a team!
:'''Kaiba''': Sorry... I don't do the teamwork thing.
:'''Yami''': Listen!
:'''Kaiba''': You geeks have wasted enough of my time already. I have a multi-million dollar company to run. Playtime's over.
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba!
:'''Mokuba''': Seto.... wait up!
:'''Joey''': We don't need him weighing us down anyway. With good old Hermos over here those hoodlums won't stand a chance.
:'''Tristan''': Someone's back to their old self again. About time.
:'''Joey''': It took me a while, but I realized being bummed out about Mai's not gonna bring her back.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': ''[angrily]'' What were you thinking?! I was just about to finish off Wheeler, and then you had butt in and ruin everything!
:'''Rafael''': You're a real piece a work. He saved your soul, and this is how you repay him?
:'''Mai''': Who asked to be saved?! Maybe next time, He'll learn to butt out!
:'''Rafael''': Next time... We'll just let you lose.
:'''Valon''': That's enough, mate, I'm fine!
:'''Mai''': Yeah, Clam up, or you'll end up just like your friend here.
:'''Rafael''': You have no idea the danger you were in.
:'''Mai''': Huh?
:'''Rafael''': Do you remember that Hermos card Wheeler played? It's an ancient dragon that can only be controlled by a chosen duelist.
:'''Mai''': Ha! Yeah, he was chosen all right! Chosen to have that scrawny butt of his kicked by a real duelist!! Humph. ''[hops on Valon's motorcycle]'' Later, losers! ''[droves off]''
:'''Valon''': Hey, wait! That's mine! ''[coughs]''
:'''Mai''': You won't escape me this time, Wheeler.
:'''Valon''': I can't let Mai get hurt. I gotta stop her.
:'''Rafael''': Forget about her let's focus on the Pharaoh.
:'''Valon''': But Master Dartz said to wait.
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, Well, Master Dartz doesn't always know what's best. We should take the strongest soul first. Once we get him out of the way, The others will fall right into our hands, one by one.
:'''Valon''': But how do you know the Pharaoh will duel?
:'''Rafael''': Because my plan is already in place. It's only a matter of time.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': You sure this is the place?
:'''Yugi''': Professor Hawkins! Rebecca!
:'''Rebecca''': Yugi.
:'''Yugi''': Rebecca. What happened here?
:'''Rebecca''': ''[in tears]'' Yugi… they tooked him. ''[starts to cries]'' My poor Grandpa! ''[sobbing]'' It’s not fair! He didn’t hurt anyone!
:'''Yugi''': We’re gonna find him… I promise.
:'''Rebecca''': Thank you. Who would do something like this?!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Ready, Copernicus.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': We’ll keep an eye out on Rex and Weevil, I don’t trust those two.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Weevil''': We can't miss the showdown between Yugi and those guys. I have to find out how they made Mai into such a strong duelist.
:'''Rex''': Can't we take a quick snack break?
:''[Weevil and Rex spots Yami Yugi riding on Copernicus]''
:'''Weevil''': It's Yugi, he's getting ahead!
:'''Rex''': No put the pedal to the metal!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': ''[looks after her grandfather was asleep and holds Ties of Friendship card what Yugi gives her]'' Be careful, Yugi. Please.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I'm ready for you, Pharaoh. Thanks to my deck... and the power it holds.

==''Fate of the Pharaoh''==
===''Part 1''===
* This marks the only appearance of Rafael's family is Sonia, Julian, Dad and Mom in flashbacks.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Very impressive, cowboy, But You'll need more than a few rodeo tricks to get yourself outta this. ''[Pharaoh crossing the bridge]'' You see, While my associates are satisfied with stealing the souls of your friends, I'm not.
:'''Pharaoh''': I did my part. Now you release the Professor Arthur Hawkins as you promised.
:'''Rafael''': He's already been set free, but since you've come all this way, you might as well stay awhile.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': So you're gonna stick around, right? 'Cause like I said before, Pharaoh, your friends aren't good enough. I need to capture the soul of the pharaoh himself so i can save the world.
:'''Pharaoh''': Save the world? Don't you see that what you're doing is going to destroy the world? or are you so insane that you can't tell the difference?
:'''Rafael''': I'm just fine. It's you who's blind to what's going on. You're fighting on the wrong side.
:'''Pharaoh''': Explain yourself.
:'''Rafael''': This world's a dark and lonely place to live. It's been poisoned by mankind. All I'm trying to do is fix what's been ruined by people like you, and  I'll do it by locking your spirit away for good.
:'''Pharaoh''': Who do you think you are?
:'''Rafael''': Look, The name's Rafael, and i called you here to duel, not shoot the breeze. I've waited for this moment long enough and i have no intention of putting our fight off for another minute, so let's go.
:'''Pharaoh''': You've given me no choice. But know this, in the end righteousness will prevail and justice shall be served. ''[activates his KC mass production duel disk]''
:'''Rafael''': That's just what I'm hoping for. ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Pharaoh and Rafael''': Let's duel!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Hey Weevil, Check it out.
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Yugi started dueling already.

===''Part 2''===
:'''Rafael''': Well, for starters, He's a better leader than you were. That's right Pharaoh. My master told me all about your history as the king of Eqypt; How you ruled as an evil dictator using the power of the shadow realm to control your subjects.
:'''Pharaoh''': Wake up. He lied.
:'''Rafael''': How would you know? You have no memory of your past. So isn't it possible that you're responsible for the destruction of Egypt?! Think about it!
:'''Pharaoh''': It can't be. I know i was a worthy pharaoh. I'm the one who locked the dark magic away!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi:''' Pharaoh, no!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let go!
:'''Yugi:''' No! You don't know what you're doing!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let go!
:'''Yugi:''' Listen to me! This card is affecting your mind!
:'''Pharaoh:''' We're going to lose the duel! Can't you see?! Trust me! It's the only way, Yugi! We must do this! Now let me go!
:'''Yugi:''' Please don't play that card!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Now I activate the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Rafael:''' (''thinking'') ''Excellent''.
:''[The Pharaoh activates the card]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''What have I done?''
:'''Yugi:''' No!
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' Do you guys see what I see!?
:'''Tristan:''' Is that light what I think it is!?
:'''Joey:''' The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Rafael:''' Nice work, Pharaoh. I knew you had it in you. Now, let's see what the Orichalcos reveals about you. Are you good or are you evil? So, tell me. How do ya feel? ''[laughing]''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 3''===
:'''Pharaoh''': What have you done to my dragon!?
:'''Rafael''': It's not what I've done.... It's what ''you've'' done by playing that magic card. Guess I should warned ya. Timaeus and the Orichalcos don't mix. But at least your dark side's been set free.
:'''Pharaoh''': What have I unleashed? ''[screaming]'' You were a fool to hand me this card! For when you lose, you soul will be for all eternity where it belongs! Now I activate Hand Control! All I need to do is correctly guess the name of a card in your hand and I can activate it! And since I gave you the necromancy card, I know you're holding it! Now it's mine! Ha! Necromancy allows me to bring four monsters back from my graveyard! So return to me Big Shield Gardna... Berfomet... Gazelle the king of mythical beasts... and Kuribabylon! Next I'll sacrifice Gazelle and Berfomet so i can summon my Dark Magician! Then I'll separate my Kuribabylon into the five Kuriboh brothers I used to create it! Now my monsters, feel the power of the orichalcos!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Hey, where am I? The Seal of Oricahlcos! No! He played it! What have you done, Pharaoh?

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' YUGI!
:'''Tristan:''' No way, dude!
:'''Joey:''' What's going on? Why's that oricahlcos thingy on Yugi's forehead.
:''[Joey, Tristan and Duke jumped in next Weevil and Rex.]''
:'''Rex:''' You guys just missed the best part.
:'''Duke:''' Yeah? Then why don't you two fill us in.
:'''Tristan:''' I don't trust these twerps as far as i can throw 'em.
:'''Joey:''' Hey! ''[grubs Weevil]'' My best buddy's got that freaky ding on his head and i want answers now!
:'''Weevil''': Why don't you take your paws off of me and try asking nicely!
:'''Joey:''' Wrong answer. Now it's go time!
:'''Weevil:''' Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me...
:'''Rex:''' It's the Seal of Oricahlcos!
:'''Weevil:''' ...Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me...
:'''Rex:''' Yugi got it from that big muscle guy and then activated it!
:'''Weevil:''' ...Don't hurt me, Don't hurt me.
:''[Joey lets go off Weevil and he, Tristan and Duke gasps sees Yami Yugi faces Rafael and he using that evil spell card and Weevil panting.]''
:'''Joey:''' Yugi wouldn't do that! He knows that card is evil!
:'''[The Pharaoh anger growls the oricahlcos on forehead.]''

&lt;hr width50%&gt;

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Weevil''': Alright, guys, If Yugi loses I call dibs on his Dark Magician.
:'''Rex''': That's not cool. Why don't you show some compassion for a change... and let me take his Dark Magician.
:'''Joey''': Watch it!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Joey''': That doesn't sound like to Yugi I know. Come on pal... Snap out of it!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi''': Pharaoh, no! The Seal of Orichalcos is in play! So the monsters on the field are real! Please don't sacrifice the Dark Magician Girl!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Tristan''': Earth to Joey, are you there, man?
:'''Joey''': I'm here, but Yug's not. he's brainwashed!
:'''Tristan''': Say what?!
:''[Duke gasps]''
:'''Joey''': He's sacrificing his monsters left and right and talking about &quot;power.&quot; That's not Yugi's style a duelin' at all! That oricahlcos ding is messin' with his head! Just like it did to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Mai!]]
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi''': ''[in tears]'' How could he do this? That card is evil. I warned him.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' You let your rage take over. Now look into the eyes of your monsters!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Please forgive me for what I've done to you!

&lt;hr width50%&gt; 
:'''Rafael''': Guardian Eatos, destroy his monsters and the rest of his life points!

&lt;hr width50%&gt; 
:'''Pharaoh''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''
:'''Rex:''' No way! Yugi actually lost!
:'''Duke:''' This can't be!
:'''Tristan:''' Oh man!
:'''Joey:''' Yugi!
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi:''' If he lost the duel. Then he'll loses his soul!
:'''Rafael:''' ''[laughing]'' Time for you to pay up, Pharaoh. The Seal of Oricahlcos never leaves the field without taking something along for the ride. And this time it's you, and you have yourself to blame 'cause you sealed your own fate when you played that card. Now your life-force will awaken the Great Beast.
:''[In the far corners of Yugi's subconscious mind]''
:'''Yugi:''' Not if I can help!! With all the power of the Millennium Puzzle, I break the Seal!!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Yugi:''' Pharaoh, I won't let his happen to you!!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi, no! What are you doing here!!?
:'''Yugi:''' It only needs one of us. So I'm letting the Seal take ME instead.
:'''Pharaoh:''' NO!! YUGI!!

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' Adios, Your Highness.
:''[The Pharaoh collapses]''
:'''Joey''': Hey! You alright pal!?
:'''Weevil:''' I doubt it.
:'''Rex:''' Yeah Ditto.
:'''Duke:''' This is nuts.
:'''Tristan:''' Come on, pal.
:'''Joey:''' Yugi, Get up! Please, Yug!
:'''Rafael:''' You won't be needing these anymore.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;
:'''Weevil:''' Ha! Hey, Rex.
:'''Rex:''' I know exactly what you're thinking.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[The Pharaoh wakes up]''
:'''Tristan:''' He's awake!
:'''Joey:''' I knew you outsmart that big goon. So How'd ya Yug, How did you escape. ''[sees the Pharaoh crying]'' Everything alright pal?
:'''Pharaoh:''' (''in tears'')''':''' No, Joey. It's far from alright. I didn't outsmart him. He succeeded. Yugi's gone.
:'''Joey/Tristan/Duke:''' Whoa!

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan, Please accept my latest offering. 

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' I don't get it. How can you be talkin' to us if he took your soul?
:'''Pharaoh:''' (''in tears'')''':''' Not mine!! Yugi's!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!! YUGI, COME BACK!! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME, NOT HIM!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!

==''Trial by Stone''==
* After Yami Yugi lost the duel with Rafael so Rex and Weevil join Dartz and his henchmen why Rafael failure because the Pharaoh got away with his friends what the seal takes Yugi instead of the Pharaoh now Weevil and Rex to having revenge on Joey and Yami Yugi. 
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[Rex and Weevil followed Rafael on the helicopter]''
:'''Rex''': He's getting away! We have to get our hands on one of those orichalcos magic cards. Just a little more!
:'''Rex and Weevil''': ''[screaming]''
:'''Rex''': This is all your fault! Help! Mommy, I'm falling!
:'''Rafael''': Oh, great.
:'''Rex and Weevil''': Huh?! phew.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Tea:''' How'd it go? Is everything OK?
:'''Joey:''' Not quite. We got a problem guys.
:'''Tea:''' What do you mean?
:'''Duke:''' Yugi didn't win.
:'''Tristan''': He's gone.
:'''Tea:''' Wha-
:'''Tristan:''' You heard me. Yugi got beat, Tea!
:'''Tea:''' You're wrong! If Yugi really lost that duel, those creeps would have taken his soul with their freaky magic card, Tristan!!
:'''Joey:''' So what's your point, Tea?
:'''Tea:''' My point!? If he's lost how can he be standing right... ''[gasps and turns around looks at the Pharaoh]'' behind me? Oh no.
:'''Rebecca:''' Yugi, talk to me. What's wrong!? Why are you acting so strange!?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Rebecca, they got him.
:'''Rebecca:''' Got who?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their last duel as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' I know. This whole thing's my fault. I'm the one who unleashed the magic that took Yugi away.
:'''Rebecca:''' You knew that card was evil and you still played it!? If you really were a brave pharaoh, you would never have done something like that to poor, little Yugi!!
:'''Tea:''' Now hold on.
:'''Rebecca''': Oh, Tea! ''[sobbing]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' I'm afraid Rebecca's right.
:'''Tea:''' Huh?
:'''Joey:''' What's done is done.
:'''Pharaoh:''' I let everyone down. Especially Yugi. He warned me not to play the Seal of Oricalcos card, but my rage took control. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their first duel, the Pharaoh activated The Seal of Oricalcos card]].]'' He paid for my mistake.
:'''Joey:''' You got to snap outta this!
:'''Pharaoh:''' He's gone, and it's all my fault.
:'''Joey:''' Get a grip, man!
:'''Téa:''' Joey!
:'''Joey:''' If we're gonna rescue Yugi, We gotta move ahead, not look back, So pull yourself together! What we gotta do now is find out who this Dartz guy is and where he keeps all these souls.
:'''Duke:''' I've been suggesting we do that since day one, but nobody listens to me.
:'''Tristan:''' Stop thinking about yourself for once, Duke!
:'''Duke:''' Down, boy. Heel!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Let him go, Tristan! 
:'''Tristan:''' Huh?!
:'''Pharaoh:''' This happened because I couldn't control my anger, and if we keep fighting amongst ourselves, the orichalcos will destroy us.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Rafael:''' You’re about to meet our master, so don’t anything to stupid.
:'''Alister:''' Yeah, He doesn’t have as much patience as we do.
:'''Rex and Weevil''': gulped.
:''[They opened the door]''
:'''Rafael:''' Mission accomplished, Master.
:'''Weevil''': We're gonna become super villains.
:''[Rex and Weevil giggling]''
:'''Rafael:''' You'll be happy to know the strongest soul on Earth has been captured, Master Dartz.
:'''Dartz:''' Ah, yes. The Pharaoh.
:'''Weevil:''' Pharaoh?
:'''Rex:''' What pharaoh?
:'''Dartz:''' Unfortunately, you failed again. ''[chair turns around]''
:'''Valon:''' ''[walks in with an arm in sling]'' That's right. The soul of the Pharaoh is still out there, Rafael.
:'''Rafael:''' ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Alister:''' ''[shocked]'' Huh?!
:'''Dartz:''' Now watch and learn.
:''[Weevil whimping]''
:'''Rex:''' What's that?
:'''Dartz:''' The Pharaoh's [[w:Rebirth|spirit inhabits the body]] of a young man. And what we have here is a clear case of mistaken identity.
:''[Camera zooming towards image of Yugi Muto in stone]''
:'''Rex:''' ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Weevil:''' ''[shocked]'' Yugi?
:'''Valon:''' Instead of the Pharaoh, you got the soul of some kid!
:'''Rafael:''' I still don't understand. 
:'''Dartz:''' Then you need to clean out your ears, you oversized baboon. Both of their spirits inhabit one body! Get it!? You captured the wrong soul!
:'''Rafael:''' But how!? I’m pretty sure I was dueling the Pharaoh! So the Orichcalos should have sealed him!
:'''Dartz:''' Well, apparently you're not as perceptive as you think you are because he got away!
:'''Rafael:''' That Punk!!
:'''Dartz:''' There's no one to blame but yourself!
:'''Rafael:''' I can fixed this, If you’ll let me.
:'''Weevil''': Hey!
:'''Valon, Dartz, Rafael and Alister''': ''[spots at Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood]'' Huh?
:'''Weevil''': Let's go!
:'''Rex''': Go where?
:''[Rex and Weevil run to Valon, Dartz, Rafael and Alister and knees on]''
:'''Weevil''': Might I suggest something, sir?
:'''Rex''': Like a better hideout?
:'''Weevil''': Quiet! ''[bangs Rex's head]''
:'''Rex''': Ow! I'm just trying to be helpful.
:'''Dartz''': Who are these two?
:'''Rex''': Haven't you heard of us? Former regional duel monsters champions?
:'''Rafael''': They're just a couple of wanna-be duelists who followed us here. They probably never even played the game.
:'''Weevil''': Never played the game?!
:'''Rex''': Wanna-bes?! We're great duelists, but we came here to become even better.
:'''Weevil''': Yugi and his friends have been making fools of us for years. ''[flashbacks to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#The Ultimate Great Moth|Yugi and Weevil's duel with the Summoned Skull and The Great Moth in defeat,]] and then [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#Trial by Red-Eyes|Joey and Rex's duel with a Time Wizard and Red Eyes Black Dragon in defeat]] at Duelist Kingdom. flashback ends]'' Before they showed up, we ruled the duels. But lately it seems like we're just the butt of everyone's jokes.
:'''Rex''': And no one likes being a butt.
:'''Weevil''': Uh, What he means is, we want nothing more than to have our revenge. So, please, mister Dartz, sir, share your dueling secrets with us and we'll help you get what you want.
:'''Rex''': Please!
:'''Dartz''': It won't be easy. The Pharaoh and his little friends wield the power of the legendary dragons. How do you intend to fight against cards like those?
:'''Weevil''': That's exactly why we need your help, sir.
:'''Rex''': Yeah, Weevil and I need the seal of orichalcos.
:'''Dartz''': You know, Before I share my power with you, I have to make sure you're worthy.
:'''Weevil''': Give us a chance to prove it.
:'''Rex''': We'll do anything.
:'''Dartz''': Very well.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:''[Back inside the caravan]''
:'''Joey''': So they wanna rule the world. We've dealt with that before.
:'''Pharaoh''': No, Joey, this time things are different.
:'''Tristan''': Yeah, They're not just talking about wiping out all life on earth, they're doing it!
:'''Joey''': But we know how to stop 'em.
:'''Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': We got to go straight to the source and destroy that secret weapon of theirs.
:'''Tea''': You mean [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Legend_of_the_Dragons|that weird monster-zapper in the sky?]]
:'''Tristan''': Unfortunately, that thing's after more than just monsters. it's using human souls to power itself up so it can wipe out the rest of us.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, and right now that thing's got Yugi, so I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna stand here twiddling my thumbs. I'm gonna take action.
:'''Tea''': Look, Joey, I wanna help Yugi too, but we can't just fight this thing by ourselves. We need help.
:'''Rebecca''': No, Tea.
:'''Tea''': Huh?
:'''Rebecca''': In case you forgot, Those jerks burned down my grandpa's laboratory and destroyed all his research. And without any hard evidence, there's no way anyone's gonna believe our story.
:'''Tea''': But we have proof. It's all down in those underwater ruins.
:'''Rebecca''': Whatever was there won't be of any help to us now. The ruins are gone, guys.
:'''Tea''': Someone ruined the ruins?
:'''Duke''': They're one step ahead of us.
:'''Arthur''': ''[opens the door]'' Don't give up so easily.
:'''Rebecca''': Gramps, you're awake.
:'''Tea''': Yeah, shouldn't you be resting?
:'''Arthur''': I'll be fine. Anyway who could sleep with you kids chit chatting all day? Besides, I can help you find the information you need. You're right about looking to the ruins for answers.
:'''Pharaoh''': So did you discover anything more about these thugs?
:'''Arthur''': Well, I can't be sure, but based on the inscriptions i found, there's a good chance these fellows are descendants of Atlantis, an ancient continent said to have disappeared into the ocean thousands of years ago without a trace.
:'''Tea''': Are you sure?
:'''Duke''': Professor, If your hunch is right, Why would these people want to destroy what was left of their ancestors' city?
:'''Arthur''': They must be trying to hide something. Those ruins revealed the history of Atlantis, and it's not a pleasant one. They must what to keep it a secret.
:'''Pharaoh''': How much of this history do you know?
:'''Arthur''': Thousands of years ago, Atlantis was home to the most advanced civilization the world had ever known. It truly was a paradise on earth, a land of eternal tranquility where everyone lived in peace until one day, when a dreadful creature was called forth from the depths of the earth by an evil king.
:'''Pharaoh''': An evil king? Oh, no. ''[Flashes back to their first duel, Rafael told Pharaoh heard about the Pharaoh are the one responsible for the destroy Egypt.]''
:'''Tea''': ''[worried]'' What's wrong? Are you OK?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm fine.
:'''Arthur''': It seems this power hungry king drew his evil strength from a mysterious stone, and this stone drew it's strength from another world.
:'''Joey''': It's that rock they wear on their neck, Isn't it?
:'''Arthur''': I'm not sure. That's all i was able to translate.
:'''Joey''': NO!
:'''Tristan''': Chill out, man. you'll blow a gasket.
:'''Joey''': You guys don't get it, do you? Those Atlantis freaks are trying to cover something up about this ancient mega-monster.
:'''Duke''': Of course. There was probably something written in those ruins about how to destroy that thing before it destroys us.
:'''Tristan''': I get it. Hey, Joey, I guess you had your good idea for the year.
:'''Arthur''': The ruins may have been destroyed, but there are copies of the inscriptions at a museum. It's in [[Florida]], where i was doing my underwater research.
:'''Tea''': Perfect. So all we have to do is go there and translate the rest.
:'''Arthur''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Joey''': What are we waiting for? Let's head to sunshine state and find out the secret to defeating these guys and saving Yugi, right?
:'''Tristan''': I'm right behind ya, man! Goodbye to Death Valley, Hello to fun in the sun.
:'''Duke''': That's great. Just one question: How are we supposed to get there?
:'''Tristan''': We're doomed.

&lt;hr width70%&gt;
:'''Kaiba''': ''[after hearing what happened to Yugi over the phone]'' YUGI LOST?! Yugi gave up his Duel Monsters crown to some nobody?! No one deserves that title but me!
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[calmly]'' Hold on.
:'''Kaiba''': I don't wanna hear another word! You're a disgrace to the game, Yugi! ''[hangs up]''
&lt;hr width70℅&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': I'll book our flights and we'll take a train to the airport. I just hope we can save Yugi before it's too late.
:'''Dartz''': ''[to Rex and Weevil]'' Deliver to me the soul of the Pharaoh and his companion young Joseph Wheeler. The Orichcalos is with you.
:'''Rex and Weevil:''' Yes, sir.

==''On the Wrong Track''==
===''Part 1''===
:''[at the train station]''
:'''Téa''': How this train ride anyway?
:'''Joey''': Too long.
:'''Téa''': ''[sighs]'' Any chance you wanna go instead of me, Duke?
:'''Duke''': No can do, Téa. I gotta stick with Professor Hawkins in case those biker punks come back.
:'''Tristan''': Duke's right. Plus he's gonna keep an eye on Rebecca too.
:''[Flashback to Rebecca and Arthur see Pharaoh and his friends leaving]''
:'''Rebecca''': I wanna go too! They need a brain like mine to figure out how to save Yugi! Please!?
:'''Arthur''': It's too dangerous. And the Pharaoh has enough on his mind already.
:'''Rebecca''': Huh?
:'''Arthur''': The last thing he needs is the responsibility of looking after you. His closest friend in the world's been taken from him.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[cries ran back to the caravan]'' You don't understand anything, Grandpa! 
:'''Arthur''': Rebecca, wait! It's for your own good!
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Duke''': You better get on the train before you miss your ride.
:'''Joey''': We got plenty of time.
:'''Tristan''': No, we don’t.
:'''Joey''': Like I said &quot;All Aboard!&quot;
:'''Téa''': Take care, Duke.
:''[Joey, Tristan, Pharaoh and Téa are onboard the train carriages as the train horns blares and the train departed from the station as Duke waves to them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Téa''':
:'''The Pharaoh''': ''[get up the seat and sadly walked off alone]'' Sorry Téa.
:'''Téa''': Poor guy. ''[watches the Pharaoh walked off alone feeling sad after he lost the duel with Rafael]''
:'''Tristan''': Just let him go, Téa. I think he needs to be alone for a while you know?
:'''Joey''': He's already alone.
:'''Téa and Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': Isn't that the whole problem? He’s crushed. But he’ll be alright soon enough. ‘Cause we’re going to rescue Yugi, right guys?
:'''Téa''': There’s no doubt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking]'' How could I have been so selfish? I gave in to the darkness within my heart... and Yugi paid the price. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|their last duel with Rafael as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' I've lost him forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tea''': ''[sighs]'' He's been gone for a while.
:'''Tristan''': ''[notices the passengers are empty]'' Hey, Hold on. He's not the only one!
:'''Joey''': Huh?
:'''Tristan''': Call me crazy. But wasn't this train completely filled with passengers just a minute ago?! What's the deal!? How can a train full of people all of a sudden be empty!?
:'''Joey''': What?!
:''[Joey and Tea sees passengers are empty]''
:'''Tea''': Alright. Now I'm officially freaked out!
:''[back at Dartz's lair]''
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly laughter]'' A vacant train is the least of your problems, my young friends. I'm just getting warmed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tea''': There you are.
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': 'Case you haven't noticed, Something weird's going on.
:'''Tristan''': If you asked me. I'd say this whole train ride is another trap.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[gasp]''
:'''Joey''': I'm sure those same slime balls are behind this. and i bet they're onboard.
:'''Tristan''': Well what are we standing here for? Let's get 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tristan''': Pharaoh! Tea! Whatta we do now!?
:'''Pharaoh''': Get help!
:'''Tea''': Come on, we have to find a way to stop this train!
:'''Tristan''': Hey, we're slowing down! You heard 'em. we gotta get help.
:'''Joey''': I know... but there's a problem. ''[he and Tristan jumps off the rail coaches]'' We're in the middle of nowhere! and we don't even know those two are gonna end up. Bye, guys. Hang in there.
:'''Tristan''': I guess it's just you and me now.
:'''Joey''': Hmm ''[sees Rex appears snickers in the railcar with his chaos duel disk on.]'' Huh? Rex!? What are you doing here?
:'''Rex Raptor''': ''[jumps off the rail coaches and walks towards Joey and Tristan]'' I still have a score to settle with you, Wheeler. Remember? You tooked my Red Eyes Black Dragon.
:'''Joey''': Rex, This is not the time.
:'''Rex''': It’s the perfect time for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[sees Weevil appears on top of this train with his chaos duel disk on]'' Weevil Underwood! Are you behind this!? You'd better start explaining yourself!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Weevil? What are you what with us, worm boy!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': What are you think i what? A rematched with the king of games!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Are you nuts!?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I'm just in the mood for a friendly duel.
:'''Yami Yugi''': Weevil, Who put you up to this?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': No one did. I figured this was a good time to test out my new secret weapon, that's all.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Is that magic rock the professor told us about it! Where did you find that thing, Raptor!?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I knew it! He's working for them!
:''[back on the train]''
:'''Pharaoh''': You've been brainwashed, Weevil!
:'''Téa''': Wake up! Those guys are just using you!
:'''Weevil''': Who cares! as long as I have ultimate power!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're ''wrong''!
:'''Weevil''': Then just duel me!
:'''Téa''': Wait a minute!
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh? Téa, no! It's too dangerous!
:'''Téa''': Weevil! Don't you realize that if you go through with this duel, one of you guys is gonna lose your soul forever!?
:'''Pharaoh''': Téa.
:'''Weevil''': Of course I do, Téa. That's the whole reason I'm here! To make him pay by sealing him away!
:'''Téa''': Oh!
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh no!
:'''Weevil''': Don't worry. Soon you'll be locked away with your friend Yugi, Pharaoh! ''[laughing]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Where is he!? Tell me!
:'''Weevil''': I'm afraid the only way to find out is to duel me. so if you back down now, then you'll never see that little twerp again!
:'''Pharaoh''': Very well! Then let's duel!
:'''Weevil''': ''[laughing]'' Wise choice, Pharaoh! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Rex''': ''[activates his chaos duel disk]'' I'm gonna enjoy this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': What did you do to my friends!?
:'''Rex Raptor''': Nothing! Weevil's dealing with those two losers why I handled you two. 
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Weevil? So he's in on this train too.
:'''Joey''': Rex, you guys pick the wrong side to join.
:'''Rex''': Oh really? Well, we'll just see about that won't we. I've been given more power then you ever dreamed of!
:'''Joey''': ''[growl]'' Look, Rex, not only can I duel circles around your sorry behind but you're half my size! So why don't you get out of my way before i step on you!
:'''Rex''': Sorry, pal. I'm not going anywhere till we duel! So draw your cards and let's get it on, chump! I've got a duel to win!
:'''Tristan''': Now what?
:'''Joey''': ''[sighs]'' I warned them. Now let's trample this geek and then go find Yugi and Téa.
:'''Tristan''': Good call.
:'''Rex''': Oh yeah? You'll change your mind when I activate this card!
:'''Joey and Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Rex''': ''[snickers and holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' Look familiar!?
:'''Tristan''': The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Joey''': Drop the card! That thing is evil, Rex. I'm telling ya, you have no idea what you're doing!
:'''Rex''': You're not so tough now! Are you, Wheeler! :''[laughs and activates the card]''
:'''Joey''':  He played it!!
:''[Joey and Tristan grunting and as Rex screams]''
:'''Tristan''': Aah!
:'''Joey''': No, Tristan!
:'''Rex''': Ahh! Ha Ha Ha! Now... That's what i call power.
:'''Joey''': What was he thinking playing that!
:'''Tristan''': Be careful, man! He just raised the stakes a  this duel big time! Now who ever loses the game, loses their soul!
:'''Joey''': Gee, Thanks for the reminder.
:'''Rex''': Let's do this. It's payback time!
:'''Joey''': Sorry, Rex. I won't duel you!
:'''Rex''': You don't have much choice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I won’t keep you in suspense any longer! ''[snickers]'' It’s my move! ''[holds up &quot;The Seal of Orichalcos&quot; card]'' And I think I’ll play the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Yami Yugi''': Weevil, don’t be a fool!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': What seems to be the problem, Pharaoh? You’ve played this card before, haven’t you? If I’m not mistaken, this is what you used to lock little Yugi away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Looks like the battles are underway.
:'''Rafael''': Yes, Master. And if all goes well, the soul of the Pharaoh will soon be yours. Of course, we win no matter what, because whatever the final outcome is, we get two souls.
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly snickers]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Are you gonna duel, Wheeler? or just stand there like a loser while i take you apart?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I got no choice. Alright I didn't wanna do this... But you got yourself a duel!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Are you sure?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's the only way to save Yuge, so yes.
:'''Rex Raptor''': Good answer. I've been waiting for this moment for years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': ''[evilly snickers]'' It won't be long now. The soul of the Pharaoh is nearly in my grasp. After all we have the perfect bait. ''[evilly laughter]''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

===''Part 2''===
:''[Joey and Rex were still dueling with Panther Warrior, the two Gilasaurus and Kaitoptera still on the field]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Dude, you've got three dinos breathing down your neck! You better think of something before you're extinct!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Gee, thanks.
:'''Rex Raptor''': You're in way over your head! Thanks to the Seal of Orichalcos, I can never be beat, but enough talk! On with the Duel! ''[draws Polymerization from his Deck]'' It's showtime. First, I'll use Polymerization to combine my Gilasaurus with my Kaitoptera to form Horned Saurus! ''[Horned Saurus appears on the field]'' But you ain't seen nothing yet! Next I'll play Giant Rex! ''[Giant Rex also appears on the field]'' And the Seal of Orichalcos gives my Jurassic giants a power boost! ''[Horned Saurus' and Giant Rex's eyes glow red as the Seal of Orichalcos raises their attack by 500]'' Time to get prehistoric on you, Wheeler, by letting my ravenous meat-eaters chow down on your Life Points! My Horned Saurus is up first! Now, attack Wheeler directly!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': How can he do that when you've got a monster on the field?
:'''Rex Raptor''': Easy, Horned Saurus has a special ability that lets him bypass your monsters and go straight for your Life Points! Tough break. ''[Horned Saurus fires a shockwave blast on top of Joey, making Joey's Life Points drop to 1500]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': That runt is kicking your butt!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Thanks for the help. You're a real pal.
:'''Rex Raptor''': For my next trick, Giant Rex will make your Panther Warrior disappear! ''[Giant Rex attack and destroys Panther Warrior]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''':

===''Part 3''===

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rex Raptor''': Please Save me! ''[screaming as the Oricalchos claims Rex's soul]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': ''Sorry, Rex. It's the only way.''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Rex! Come on, man wake up! I know you're in there somewhere so snap out of it.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's no use, Tristan. The orichalcos has him now. But i promise we'll get him back. As soon as we find Pegasus and Yugi.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Yeah, but how?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': But first we gotta figured out where this Dartz guy hangs out. Find him, and we'll find them. YOU HEAR ME, DARTZ?!! WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU!! AND WE'RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT OUR FRIENDS!! ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Yami Yugi and Weevil's Duel is still underway with Breaker the Magical Warrior, Poison Butterfly and Armored Centipede on the field]''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': I'll tell you what. Because I feel sorry for you, I'd be willing to do you a little favor before you lose. I have a card in my pocket I think you'd like to see. I can't wait to see the look on your face! ''[laughs hysterically]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[snarls]'' ''Weevil!''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Relax, Pharaoh, I'm just trying to be nice. It's the least I can do to repay you for ruining my life. You wanna see Yugi, right? ''[the flashback cuts in]'' His spirit is trapped, deep in the caverns of Dartz's lair, and I know how to set him free! ''[cuts back to the present]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': Tell me how to save him right now!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughs]'' Very well. In order to release his soul, you'll need a special card. ''[takes out a Gokibore card out of his pocket]'' And I've got it right here.
:'''Yami Yugi''': What?! Then hand it to me now!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': That's not a nice way to ask! Why don't you try saying, &quot;Pretty please, with sugar on top&quot;? ''[Yami Yugi walks short, but realizes that Weevil was bluffing]'' Oh, well, too late! So it looks like I'll have to teach you a lesson in manners! Now say goodbye! ''[rips the Gokibore card in half]'' Yugi's gone FOREVER! ''[Yami Yugi, having witnessed Weevil rip the card, suddenly erupts into an uncontrollable rage]''
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[roars ferociously]'' '''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughing]''
:'''Tea Gardner''': ''[in tears]'' No. Poor Yugi.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''[furiously]'' You snake!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[laughs]'' Don’t you know a joke when you hear one? I tore up a useless bug card.
:'''Tea Gardner''': Huh? ''[anger]'' Weevil, That’s not very funny!
:'''Weevil Underwood''': You people have no sense of humour!
:'''Yami Yugi''': You'll pay for that! You hear me, Weevil!?
:'''Weevil Underwood''': Ha! Huh?
:'''Yami Yugi''': You'll pay dearly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Weevil Underwood''': ''[thinking]'' Yugi's been planning this all along!
:'''Yami Yugi''': It's the beginning of the end for you! ''[draws a monster card from his Deck]'' I've drawn Queen's Knight! ''[discards Queen's Knight to the Graveyard]'' And since it's a monster, my warrior can attack! Go! ''[Breaker attacks Weevil's Life Points, making them go to 700]'' Now, for my next card! ''[draws Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts]'' Looks like you're out of luck. Attack again! ''[Breaker makes a second attack at Weevil, making Weevil's Life Points drop to 0]'' I draw again! ''[draws Big Shield Gardna]'' Another monster! ''[Breaker delivers the third blow to Weevil]'' This just isn't your day! ''[draws Alpha the Magnet Warrior and Breaker attacks Weevil while Tea tearfully witnesses the moment]'' Breaker, attack him again! ''[Breaker delivers the last blow to Weevil, just as the Oricalchos claims Weevil's soul]'' Let's see. ''[draws Dark Magician Girl]'' Oh, well...
:'''Tea Gardner''': ''[rushes to Yami Yugi in tears]'' Please, Pharaoh! No more!
:'''Yami Yugi''': Let me go!
:'''Tea Gardner''': You can stop now. It's over. You've already won the duel. The Seal of Oricalchos is gone. We have to put an end to all this.
:'''Yami Yugi''': ''Tea's right'', ''[holds Dark Magician Girl card]'' ''I have a promise to keep.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': So many souls, so little time. The Great Leviathan is growing impatient. I must supply him with the power he needs to awaken… and for that, I need the soul of the Pharaoh.
:''[]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Tell me where Yugi is!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Pharaoh... It's no use. You won. So the Seal of Oricalcos took Weevil away. Pharaoh?
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': No! I need him alive!

==''Self Destruction''==
*This marks the debut appearance of Dartz's father Ironheart, his daughter and granddaughter Chris and their pet Skye. After Yami Yugi and Téa had been survived after the collision of train derailment and falls off the cliff The Pharaoh on the quest for finding Yugi’s soul to in the duel.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[after the train derails and falling off the cliffs a passenger car on the river, at Dartz's lair Dartz not happy]''
:'''Dartz''': ''[stands up]'' Somehow I've lost contact with the Pharaoh.
:'''Rafael''': Maybe he didn't survive the fall.
:'''Dartz''': He did. However, Something or someone is hiding him from my vision.
:'''Rafael''': Then let me be your eyes, Master. I'll track him down and make up for my failure.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Skye! Get back here! Skye! ''[appeared enter the tent]'' That's no way to treat our guests. ''[to Pharaoh and Téa]'' Sorry if she woke you up.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Who are you?
:'''Chris''': You can call me Chris. ''[giggles]'' And you've already met Skye. She's the one that found you. She was sniffing around for food and ended up sniffing out you guys instead.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Ironheart''': I see your strength is back.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, Thank you.
:'''Ironheart''': Pleased to hear it. You two had me worried. By the way, the name is Ironheart, and i believe this belongs to you. Pardon me for being intrusive... But i couldn't help noticing you possess the legendary Eye of Timaeus... The only one of it's kind.
:'''Pharaoh''': Take it. I'm not deserving of it's power.
:'''Téa Gardner''': That's not true.
:'''Ironheart''': I'll hold it until you're ready.
:'''Téa Gardner''': Did you find another kid? He had glasses and a bad haircut? He was on the train with us it crashed.
:'''Ironheart''': No, I'm afraid you were the only ones we found. Perhaps your friend was able to escape before the train fell off that cliff. I assure you, there wasn't another soul on board.
:'''Pharaoh''': I highly doubt Weevil was able to escape i tried to wake him up to snapped out of this but it was no use i won the duel and now the Seal of Orichalcos tooked his soul away. Not in the condition he was in. I'm afraid there's a greater power at work here.
:'''Ironheart''': I must say, young man. You seem to possess a wisdom that reaches far beyond your years. Now, I've encountered many people in my travels... but there's something about you i've never seen before... something in your eyes. I'm also sensing that you hold a great deal of loneliness in your heart.
:'''Pharaoh''': I was pretty sure I was dueling Rafael in Death Valley. That's because I recently lost a very close friend of mine. His name is Yugi Muto. And now... I'm on a journey to find his soul.
:'''Ironheart''': What will you do if you find him?
:'''Pharaoh''': I’ll apologize for betraying his trust and abandoning him.
:'''Ironheart''': Hmm. I might just be able to help. Follow me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rafael jumps on the rail carriage after the train falls off the cliff looking for the Pharaoh.]''
:'''Rafael''': Hey, Pharaoh! You in there or not!? How did he escape? ''[looks at the mountain]'' I'LL FIND YOU, PHARAOH, WHEREVER YOU ARE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Is that really you?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi!
:'''Tea:''' Hey, It's him!
:'''Pharaoh:''' I've found you! ''[]'' Hmm?
:'''Yugi''': You came all this way just to see me?
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yes of course, I just want you to say how sorry i am.
:'''Yugi''': I'm sorry too, I wish this whole thing never happened.
:'''Pharaoh:''' It's my fault. i surrendered to my inner darkness. I allowed my anger to take over and you paid the price. But now that you're gone, The darkness is starting to grow without your light to keep me pure... I'm becoming evil, Yugi. I'm beginning to believe that what Rafael said about me is true. Perhaps i was a [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|wicked pharaoh]]. ''[Flashes back to their first duel, Rafael told Pharaoh heard about the Pharaoh are the one responsible for the destroy Egypt.]'' What if i am the one responsible for the destruction of Egypt? If I'm capable of such horrific behavior then it's my soul that should be locked away.
:'''Yugi''': Well, What good is that now!? I'm the one who's been locked away forever, Not you!
:'''Pharaoh:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Yugi''': Well, The last thing i need is your pity, Pharaoh! If You're really evil there's only thing to do.
:'''Pharaoh:''' What are you saying? 
:'''Yugi''': You said it yourself, Didn't you? Your spirit should be locked away with mine. And I'm gonna do it!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Wait! You misunderstood me!
:'''Yugi''': Oh, So now you're taking back what you said!? Make up your mind! You don't deserve me to be a part of this world!
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[shocked]'' Yugi.
:'''Yugi''': It's about time you started taking some responsibility for what you've done! There's only one thing left to do and you know it! You need to be a man for once and face me in a duel now! 
:'''Pharaoh:''' No please.
:'''Yugi''': Too late! It's time for you to pay! If you're really sorry then you'll do this! It's time to duel!
:'''Tea''': Wait, So he's gonna duel himself. But why?
:'''Ironheart''': This is the only way.
:'''Tea''': Huh?
:'''Chris''': That's why we took you guys here. So the pharaoh can face his other half. He has to deal with what he did so he can put it all behind him and finally move on.
:'''Tea''': How do you know all this stuff?
:'''Chris''': We've always known this. We were taught that a warrior would come to save our world. And as soon as we found you guys, We knew that he was the one.
:'''Tea''': So, what's he supposed to do now?
:'''Ironheart''': His first step is to face his inner fears and conquer the darkness that lurks within his heart. But if he loses this battle, The pharaoh's spirit will remain here forever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Yugi''': I'm just a reflection of you!
:'''Pharaoh''': What do you mean, Yugi!?
:'''Yugi''': You don't get it, do you? You and i are exactly the same. So the darkness that's in your heart... is also inside my heart.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, i wish i could take it back.
:'''Yugi''': Too late! You've already shown me who you really are an evil pharaoh who cares only about himself! Face the Facts! You didn't care what happened to me so long as you had power! Now it's my turn!
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, wait! Are you holding the card i think you are!?
:'''Yugi''': It's sounds like your starting to catch on aren't you, your highness? This duel is a chance for you to look at yourself from the outside. And there's only one card that can make that happen... The Seal of Orichalcos.
:'''Pharaoh''': Huh!? Yugi, no! ''[gasps]''
:''[]''
:'''Yugi''': Now it's pay back time, For taken my soul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yami''': Yugi… Don’t do this! Snap out of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''':  YUGI NO!!!!!! I won't let you do this! ''[screaming]'' '''STOP!!!!!!''' I ACTIVATE THE TRAP CARD... DIVINE WIND!
:'''Yugi''': He did it! He was able to reverse my attack and double its strength to win the duel!
:''[blast on Yugi and he screams and making his Life Points drop to 0]''
:'''Pharaoh''': What have i done!? Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': ''[groaning]''
:'''Tea Gardner''': Is he alright?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi! ''[running towards Yugi]'' Come on! ''[holds his body]'' Speak to me, Please!
:'''Yugi''': You passed the test, pal.
:'''Pharaoh''': What are you taking about, Yugi? Did you plan this all along?
:'''Yugi''': It was the only way. By defeating me you were able to defeat the darkness that was inside your heart. It wasn’t easy, But you did what was best for me and for mankind. You acted like a true hero.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[in tears]'' But now what? What can I do?
:'''Yugi''': Don't give up this fight. Remember... I'm aways with you. ''[disappears]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[gasps see Yugi disappears]'' I'LL SAVE YOU! No matter what it takes.

==''Reliving the Past''==
:'''Téa''': ''[worried; thinking]'' Poor, guy. He still blames himself for what happened to Yugi.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[cries in tears after the duel with Yugi]'' Yugi, If it weren’t for me, You'd still be here. I'll never forgive myself. ''[Flashes back to their [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fate of the Pharaoh|last duel as the Seal took Yugi instead]].]'' Mark my words! I won't rest you until i get you back! Uhh! It's not fair! I should be locked away! Not you!! I’m the one who played that evil card!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Meet Orichalcos Gigas! Attack the Pharaoh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': I've got you right where i what you, Pharaoh. ''[evilly chuckle]''
:''[Rafael watches the Pharaoh and the Orichalcos soldier were still dueling with Obnoxious Celtic Guardian and Orichalcos Gigas still on the field]''
:'''Rafael''': Let's see you get yourself outta this.
:'''Tea Gardner''': He's about to lose!
:'''Ironheart''': There is but one thing that can save him.
:'''Chris''': The card he give you?
:'''Ironheart''': Mmm. ''[grabs the card]'' The Eye of Timaeus. The creature that fought by my side so long ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': ''[spots at Ironheart]'' Who is that?
:''[]''
:'''Ironheart''': Pharaoh! Take this card!
:'''Pharaoh''': Ironheart!?
:'''Dartz''': You've disrupted my plans for the last time, old man.
:''[lightning bolt strikes on Ironheart]''
:'''Ironheart''': AAH!
:'''Pharaoh''': IRONHEART! NO!
:'''Chris''': GRANDFATHER!
:'''Ironheart''': ''[groaning and collapses and holds up &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Please take this card from me. It's the only way to defeat the beast.
:''[Orichalcos blocks the Pharaoh on the field]''
:'''Pharaoh''':  I can't get out!
:'''Chris''': Grandpa!
:'''Ironheart''': It's up to you.
:'''Chris''': What do you mean, Gramps?
:'''Ironheart''': ''[groaning]'' Take this... and bring it to the Pharaoh. ''[Chris grab &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Otherwise, All hope is lost. Good luck. ''[disappears]''
:'''Chris''': ''[gasps, sees her grandfather disappears]'' No, Grandpa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': Chris, No!
:'''Chris''': ''[gasping]'' Pharaoh... ''[holds up &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card]'' Take this... please.
:'''Pharaoh''': What is it?
:'''Chris''': ''[groaning]'' It's the only thing that can stop him. It saved us once... and with your help it can save us again.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[grab and hold the card]'' The Eye of Timaeus.
:'''Chris''': ''[smile and eyes closed]'' I trust you, Pharaoh. Thank you. ''[disappears]''
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[see Chris disappears]'' Hold on! Come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''There's only one thing left to do, [looks at &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card] I hope you deem me worthy of your power, [close his eyes] I’m truly sorry for having betrayed you. But the lives are so many innocent people are depending on you, So I asked you not for myself, But for all those at rusk. Please help me, Timaeus. The future of two worlds hangs in the balance, [open his eyes] we must win! No matter what. [draws Dark Magician Girl card]'' Now I sacrifice my Celtic Guardian in order to summon Dark Magician Girl! ''[summons Dark Magician Girl]'' Next I'll play... The legendary Eye of Timaeus!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': He'll never learn.
:'''Rafael''': ''[surprised]'' I don't believe it. He should never have been able to summon that dragon!
:'''Pharaoh''': Dark Magician Girl, fuse with Timaeus, forming Dark Magician Girl the dragon knight! ''[]'' Next, I'll enhance your strength with my Excalibur magic card! ''[]'' Attack! Destroy his creature of darkness!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': This isn't over, Pharaoh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I'm assuming you see that gigantic green sunset over there, right?
:'''Tristan Taylor''': What do you think it is?
:'''Joey''': Hmm? ''[holds &quot;The Claw of Hermos&quot; card glowing]'' I'm guessing it's got something to do with this. Let's just hope Téa and the Pharaoh are alright. Come on! ''[ran off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Wait! It's your turn to carry Rex! ''[ran off to followed Joey]'' I know you can hear me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[to Timaeus and Dark Magician Girl]'' Well done, my creatures. He's gone now. Thanks to you two. But i feel this is just the beginning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;80%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I have to say i'm glad you won Pharaoh. 'Cause now i can be the one who delivers your soul to Master Dartz. ''[walks away]''
:''[Tea spots at Ironheart, Chris and Skye along with the three legendary dragons in stone]''
:'''Tea Gardner''':  Wait. That's a carving of Ironheart, Chris and Skye from 10,000 years ago?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes.
:'''Tea Gardner''': So you mean to tell me that those guys were just ghosts or something?
:'''Pharaoh''':  They're spirits who once fought a great war, and now they've been captured by Dartz. ''[Tea stands up then she and the Pharaoh turns around and walks away]'' This gives me three more reasons to hunt down this madman and bring peace to the world once again.

==''Deck of Armor''==
:'''Pharaoh''': Take my hand. We're back where we left off.
:'''Téa''': Nice. Now all we have to do is follow those railway tracks.
:'''Pharaoh''': That's right. If all goes well, they should lead us straight to Tristan and Joey. assuming they haven't wandered off. 
:'''Téa''': They better be there. We have to do what we set out to do. Figure out where this Dartz creep hangs out so we can set free everyone he captured.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes, Téa. I only wish it were that easy.
:'''Téa''': And remind me never to get on the train again.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Inside Paradius headquarters Mai at the meeting room with Dartz, Valon, Rafael, and Alister after Joey defeats Rex Raptor at the middle of nowhere on the railway line]''
:'''Mai Valentine''': Just leave Joey Wheeler to me.
:'''Rafael''': You'll do nothing until Master Dartz gives you an assignment.
:'''Mai Valentine''': What is this, Third grade? I decide who I'm gonna duel for myself. I don't wait for the homework assignment.
:'''Rafael''': Why don't you show a little respect?
:'''Alister''': Come on, Raf, as if little miss loud mouth knows respect?
:'''Mai Valentine''': What did you call me?
:'''Rafael''': Relax.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Look, I was doing perfectly fine until Johnny stuntman over there stepped in. If it wasn't for you, i would a won. As for you, i don't need some scrawny freak dictating my every move! I'm out of here, losers! ''[opens the door]'' Humph! ''[walks off alone]'' 
:'''Dartz''': Just let her go, Valon.
:'''Valon''': Hmm?
:'''Dartz''': She can try to run away from fate, But in the end she'll get what she deserves.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': I know you’re deep down you feel the way I do, Mai.
:'''Mai''': What?
:'''Valon''': That’s why we found each other. You’re just like me… Lonely and misunderstood.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Duke Devlin''': ''[driving]'' Should we have left so soon?
:'''Rebecca Hawkins''': Of course. Time is running out. We have to catch up with the others now. ''[inside the caravan, Arthur was asleep]'' Besides, Gramps can get just as much rest on the road. Plus, we can't translate those ancient ruins without his help, Duke.
:'''Duke''': Huh? ''[spots at Valon with Mai Valentine]'' Hey Rebecca, look, It's Mai Valentine. But what's she doing here? Wait a sec! That guy... ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Joey and Mai's first duel]], Duke saw Valon next to Rafael watching Mai against Joey]'' I recognize him. He's one of those biker punks that brainwashed Mai. ''[cuts back to the present]'' He works for Dartz.
:'''Rebecca''': Stop the car, Duke!
:''[]''
:'''Duke''': Rebecca! Hold on! We’re dealing with a lunatic here!
:'''Rebecca''': Alright, Tell me what you did with Yugi?! You guys had no right to take him!
:'''Valon''': Sorry, kid, Never heard of him.
:'''Rebecca''': Well, maybe this’ll refresh your memory! I win, You talk! Let’s duel!
:'''Duke''': No, Rebecca! It’s too dangerous!
:'''Rebecca''': I’ll be fine. I’ve dueled tougher opponents than this. So what are you say, punk? Do we have a deal or not?
:'''Valon''': You can’t be serious, kid.
:'''Mai''': Here’s your big chance. Why don’t you show me your stuff.
:'''Rebecca''': Let’s go. I don’t have all day.
:'''Valon''':
:'''Duke''': Hold on! If you dueling her then you'll dueling me too, tough guy!
:'''Valon''':
:'''Duke''': Remember, Rebecca, don’t let him play the seal of Orichalcos.
:'''Rebecca''': Got it.
:'''Valon, Duke and Rebecca''': Let’s duel!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Valon defeats Rebecca Hawkins and Duke Devlin in their duel.]''
:'''Rebecca''': Fine, You won. Now leave us alone.
:'''Duke''': Get lost.
:'''Valon''': Very well then, I gotta message for Joey Wheeler, tell that punk he's next. ''[laughing]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yami Yugi''': Téa, do you see what I see?
:'''Téa''': You mean all those weird lights?
:'''Yami Yugi''': I fear it’s the great beast. The same thing happened when it emerged the first time. ''[thinking]'' ''We’re running out of time.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Yes, Great Leviathan. Keep feeding, my child. You’re almost ready. ''[evilly chuckling]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': You think it’s true, Seto? I mean, could Yugi really have lost to one of Alister's partners in a duel? And does that mean he’s trapped somewhere now?
:'''Seto Kaiba''': It just means Yugi’s not as perfect as everyone thinks he is, and he’s not worth my time. We’ve got more important things to do.

==''Flight of Fear''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Alister''': As the challenger, I'll start! And I'll summon my Science Soldier in defense mode! That's all for now.
:'''Seto''': How pathetic. My move! I summon X-Head Cannon in attack mode! Now, X-Head Cannon, attack! Looks like you're defenseless.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[worried; thinking] If Alister plays that Seal of Orichalcos, Seto's in big trouble!''
:'''Alister''': No big deal. Watch this! I play Cyber Soldier of Dark World. And next, I'll place one card facedown and end my turn.
:'''Seto''': What a joke! My move! I summon Y-Dragon Head in attack mode! Attack his Cyber Soldier of Dark World, now! And now, X-Head Cannon, attack his Life Points directly!
:'''Mokuba''': ''[thinking] Alister's making this too easy.''
:'''Seto''': I think that's just about enough punishment for now. I end my turn. ''[sets a card facedown]''
:'''Alister''': You sound pretty confident, Kaiba, but you'll change your tune. You've been so pretty occupied with your own monsters, you forgot what I have waiting in my deck. I guess I'll have to remind you. It's the card I used on you last time and it changes the entire playing field!
:'''Seto''': Hold it! Did you just draw what I think you did, Alister?! ''[turns to Mokuba]'' Mokuba, get back!
:'''Alister''': ''[raises the card up in his hand which is The Seal of Orichalcos]'' I activate the Seal of Orichalcos! ''[laughs as the Seal of Orichalcos grows the circle which engulfs the room and knocks Mokuba away from it's boundary]''
:'''Seto''': Mokuba! ''[beams of green light shoot out of the plane and as Alister screams, the plane's controls end up being sabotaged, including the autopilot]'' This can't be real! ''[The Seal of Orichalcos rises Kaiba and Alister up to the top of the plane]'' What's going on, Alister?
:'''Alister''': ''[with his eyes glowing red]'' I just needed some air, that's all.

===''Part 2''===
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Man''': Master Dartz, I've just received word from our business division.
:'''Dartz''': Yes, go on.
:'''Man''': The Takeover was a success. Congratulations, Master. Kaiba Corp  now belongs to you.

==''Paradise Found''==
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': I got the images, And my grandpa's looking them over now.
:'''Pharaoh''': Good. Let's meet up as soon as possible. Oh, And one more thing… I'm sorry.
:'''Arthur Hawkins''': Rebecca, You can't [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Trial_by_Stone|blame the Pharaoh for what happened to Yugi]].
:'''Rebecca''': ''[looks at her grandfather worried]'' Huh?
:'''Arthur''': There's far too much at stake for hurting his feelings. Right now, We're all fighting a common enemy. And this data may be our only hope.
:'''Rebecca''': ''[sadly]'' You're right.
:'''Arthur''': Pharaoh, The quality of the images is much worse then I thought. Unless we clear up these photos I won’t be able to read much at all.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Set a course for Kaiba Corporation headquarters immediately.
:'''Tristan''': Dude, are you nuts.
:'''Tea''': Dartz and his gang must’ve taken over the place by now.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': The only way we can process these images fast enough is by using computer system, so we have no choice.
:'''Joey''': Say what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba has a good point, Joey.
:'''Joey''': He does?
:'''Pharaoh''': First, they took Pegasus away… and now they’ve taken over Kaiba's company. Which means we've got to stop these criminals before they make their next move, and we have no time to lose!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Wow… You're more hung ho than I expected. You know, since you lost your title and all.
:'''Pharaoh''': Kaiba, this fight is about so much more than a mere championship dueling title. Don’t you see!? People are getting hurt and the world's in danger!!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Hmm. Blah, blah, blah. Don’t you get tired of making the same speech every time you’re faced with a challenge? Stop saving the world and get a hobby.
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, we’ll meet you two at the pier.
:'''Rebecca''': 10-4 we’ll see you there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rafael''': Master Dartz.
:'''Dartz''': Take a look, Rafael. Your friend wasn't careful.
:'''Rafael''': ''[spots at Alister in stone]'' Alister.
:'''Dartz''': Don't sound so displeased. He's better off where he is now. Alister's energy, along with our other prisoners', will fuel the great beast. The Pharaoh and his friends will be arriving shortly. I trust you'll give them a warm welcome, Hmm.
:'''Rafael''': He won't escaped me this time. 
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Seto Kaiba''': ''[to Roland and Fuguta sent a soulless Alister and soulless Rex Raptor to the Hospital]'' Take those two to the medical center. I'm feeling generous.
:'''Roland and Fuguta''': Right.
:''[The helicopter takes off to take Alister and Rex to the Hospital.]''
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': Good luck, guys.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Stay safe.
:'''Pharaoh''': Professor, I'm glad you're alright.
:'''Joey''': Me too. Hey, hows was the road trip, guys?
:'''Duke''': Could a been better. We hit a pretty big snag on the way.
:'''Joey''': Flat tire?
:'''Duke''': We ran into [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|Mai and one of those freaks]]. The one that jumped in and ended your duel.
:'''Joey''': That jerk.
:'''Duke''': He's really got it in for you, man. and I'm afraid Mai's still on their side too.
:'''Joey''': Grr. Just wait until I find him!
:'''Rebecca''': Hey, any word yet on Yugi? We have to find him. If you don't get him back, I'll never forgive you. Plus we need him to fight these guys!
:'''Pharaoh''': I miss Yugi, too. and I promise I will rescue him. You have word. But I need to pay a little visit to KaibaCorp first.
:'''Rebecca''': Let me come with you! You'll need some tech support.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Ha! This Isn't some kind of field trip, kid. But I guess you can tag along if you want.
:'''Rebecca''': I'm no kid!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Whatever you say, kid. I don't know about you geeks. But I have a company to save. So whoever's coming with me, let's move.
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': OK.
:'''Tea''': Good luck and be careful.
:'''Pharaoh''': Right.
:'''Tristan''': Alright, Tea. We better tell the police what's going on. The way this is heading we're gonna need all the help we can get.
:'''Tea''': Yeah, good point.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Policeman 1''': Why don't you start over and this time  try telling the truth?
:'''Tea''': Don't you understand? That is the truth. There's a motorcycle gang going around stealing people's souls with a magic card.
:'''Policeman 1''': Ha! You kids watched too many cartoons.
:'''Tristan''': We're serious. These guys are trying to take over the whole world.
:'''Policeman 2''': Really... Tell me something young man... this so called &quot;gang&quot;... do they wear a symbol like this!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': Here i come you creeps!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': This is Valon, Go ahead.
:'''Rafael''': ''[on radio]'' The Pharaoh's friends are heading your way.
:'''Valon''': Good, Then is time for me to show Joey Wheeler who's boss.
:'''Rafael''': Valon, wait!
:''[Valon turns off the radio and hops on the motorcycle droves off on the way]''
:'''Valon''': ''I gotta prove me-self to Mai.''
:''[Tristan and Tea saw Joey was running in the streets in the middle of the night]''
:'''Tristan''': Look, Here comes Joey!
:'''Tea''': And there he goes.
:'''Tristan''': Hey! Come back! You're going the wrong way!
:'''Tea''': He's heading straight for the zombie patrol.
:'''Tristan''': Go warn the others, Tea! I gotta stop him! ''[rans off]''
:'''Tea''': Tristan!
:'''Joey''': ''I'm coming for you, Dartz and I'm not leaving without Yugi and Mai!''
:''[To Be Continued...]''

==''Fighting for a Friend''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Joey, Come back! I'm wearing the wrong shoes for this! Joey, stop!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': ''[stops and spots at the Orichalcos soldier]'' What's that?!
:'''Tristan''': Uh, Joey.
:'''Joey''': Yeah?
:'''Tristan''': Maybe we should start running again.
:'''Joey and Tristan''': ''[screaming]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, stop!
:'''Young guy''': You ever here looking both ways?! ''[droves off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Hold on!
:'''Joey''': You're going the wrong way!
:'''Tristan''': Turn back!
:'''Young guy''': ''[spots at the Orichalcos soldier]'' Whoa! Mommy! ''[falls off the motorcycle]'' It's just a dream... It's just a dream. ''[whimping and running away]''
:'''Joey''': See ya! ''[he and Tristan runs off as the Orichalcos soldier chases them]'' We've never out run this thing!
:'''Tristan''': Joey! 
:''[Joey punches the Orichalcos soldier but then it shatters]''
:'''Tristan''': You beat him.
:'''Joey''': ''[spots at Valon]'' Actually, I think he did. Hold on! I know you! [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|You're the one that took Mai!]]
:'''Valon''': Right you are, mate! ''[droves turns around away]''
:'''Joey''': Hey! Come back! ''[runs after Valon]''
:'''Tristan''': Joey, Not again! Come back!
:'''Joey''': ''[notices a motorcycle]'' This will do the trick. ''[puts the helmet on]'' Now... ''[picks up the motorcycle and hops on]'' Time to chase him down and save Mai! ''[droves off to chase Valon.]''
:'''Tristan''': Are you nuts?! ''[confused]'' I guess so. He's riding right into a trap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Meanwhile Tristan was running a middle of the streets looking for Joey.]''
:'''Tristan''': Joey! Where are you?! ''[Mai’s motorcycle light appears towards him]'' Is that you Joey?
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''[takes her bike helmet off]'' Not quite but I am looking for him.
:'''Tristan''': Look, Mai…
:'''Mai''': Save it, Dweeb! I know you’re his babysitter so where is he?!
:'''Tristan''': How should I know?! One of your little pals forced him into a game of cat and mouse and now he’s gone!
:'''Mai''': ''[gasps]'' It’s Valon!
:'''Tristan''': This is all your fault, Mai! ''[Mai puts her helmet on]'' You’re the one who got Joey into this mess in the first place!
:'''Mai''': Out of my way! ''[drove off]''
:'''Tristan''': Hey! Get back here! The last thing he needs right now is you!! ''[Mai ignores him and he growls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': Here we are, old chum. Glad you could make it. Now let's get down to business, shall we?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Look, pal i want Mai back.
:'''Valon''': Then why chase me? She happens to have a mind of her own, you know.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': She did. At least... She did before you guys brainwashed her!
:'''Valon''': You don't get it, mate. No one was brainwashed!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Huh?
:'''Valon''': Mai chose to join our side with her own free will. And do you know why? She was sick of taking a back seat while you got all the fame! Then i stepped in and changed all that.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You messed with her head, that's what you did! She was the one of my best friends! But the last time i saw her she was saying things that Mai never would have said.

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Valon''': Wake up, Wheeler!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Who do you think you are!? and what do you what with me? Explain yourself, now!?
:'''Valon''': Okay, look, the name's Valon, I led you here to get rid of you for good, 'cause Mai can't be happy with you around!
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Huh? and what does that mean?
:'''Valon''': You're a constant reminder of what here life used to be, and Mai whats to forget all that! But as long as you still exist in this world, she be never be able to forget! So, i'm here to erase you for good! ''[thinking]'' ''Plus, i know that deep down, Mai still loves you. and i can't have that!'' So, what do you say, Wheeler? Do we have ourselves a duel or not? Not that i'm giving you much of a choice! ''[activates his chaos duel disk]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You know what, Valon, I never back down from a challenge especially when i'm fighting for a friend! Now let's duel!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tristan''': ''[panting]'' All right. I'm officially lost. ''[panting]'' Phew. I guess i can pretty much forget about finding Joey now. ''[but the Orichalcos soldier behind him]'' Huh? ''[Orichalcos soldier roaring]'' AHHH! YOU AGAIN?! ''[gulp]'' Hi, remember me?
:'''Duke''': Huh? ''[stop the car]'' Tristan!
:'''Mokuba''': What's going on?
:'''Tea''': Maybe we should get someone else behind the wheel.
:'''Duke''': Tristan needs our help, Look!
:'''Tea''': ''[looks at Tristan with Orichalcos soldier]'' Oh no!
:'''Tristan''': Come on! I’m taking whatever you got!
:'''Pharaoh''': Go, Celtic Guardian!
:''[Celtic Guardian attacks Orichalcos soldier]''
:'''Tristan''': Huh?
:'''Yami-Yugi/Téa/Rebecca''': Tristan!
:'''Duke''': Hey! Are you alright?!
:'''Tristan''': Huh? ''[sees The Pharaoh, Téa, Duke and Rebecca running towards him]'' Thanks, Pharaoh. You came in the nick of time. Of course, I could have taken him myself.
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm afraid the only thing that would have been taken is your soul had we arrived any later.
:'''Tristan''': I know, so those things are working for Dartz.
:'''Téa''': Hey, Where's Joey? I thought you guys were together?
:'''Tristan''': We were, Until he decided to hop on some guy's motorcycle and take off after one of Dartz's little flunkies.
:'''Duke''': ''[shocked]'' You're kidding!
:'''Rebecca''': Oh no! Was it Valon?
:'''Tristan''': Who?
:'''Duke''': It's Valon. He's the young guy that Rebecca and i dueled.
:'''Téa''': Is that a bad thing?
:'''Rebecca''': Not only does [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|Valon have a thing against Joey]], but he's got a deck full of monsters I've never seen before.
:'''Pharaoh''': Let's go. We have to find Joey before it's too late.
:'''Seto Kaiba''': That chump's gonna have to wait 'cause we've got bigger problems.
:'''Pharaoh''': What do you mean?
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Look around you!

===''Part 2''===

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Joey Wheeler''': No, Not that!
:'''Valon''': Well, looks like you're starting to catch on, mate. I play the Seal of Orichalcos!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': We’re just getting started. By the end of this duel, you’ll be begging for mercy. Then your old buddy Mai will see what a pathetic chump you really are, and hopefully she’ll realize why she walked out on you in the first place so she can move on already!
:'''Joey''': Watch it, Valon!
:'''Valon''': Look, mate… All I’m watching out for is myself! And right now, the best thing for me is to get rid of you! 'Cause as long as you’re around, Mai's gonna be obsessed with dueling you.
:'''Joey''': Hmm?
:'''Valon''': That’s right. Since your last duel, all she talks about is a rematch. But I can’t let Mai put herself in that kind of danger again… So I got to you first. You see Wheeler, I’m not such a bad guy. We both what the same thing. We want Mai to be happy.
:'''Joey''': Come on, Valon… Get real. Ha. If you really wanted Mai to be happy… You wouldn’t have brainwashed her in the first place!
:'''Valon''': I told you, She chose to join us!
:'''Joey''': No way! I know Mai, and she never would have walked out on us like that. Not unless someone messed with her head! And if you asked me, This Dartz guy is messing with all of your heads!
:'''Valon''': Hmm?
:'''Joey''': That orichalcos card he gave you has evil magic in it, and it makes everyone who holds it go nuts!
:'''Valon''': Are you done? If you are, then allow me to tell you the truth. That orichalcos card did more for Mai than you ever could. She was weak, and it made her strong! She was lost, and it showed her the way! ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Dartz joins Mai to part of Doma organization]], [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#The_Creator_Returns|After she tooked Pegasus' soul she has to take down Joey.]] flashback ends]'' Mai can’t stand the sight of you. And neither can I, mate. So I plan to take you down for her. Once you’re out of the picture, she can move on to bigger and much better things. Like teaming up with me and leaving behind her past once and for all!
:'''Joey''': No way… Mai would never want to get rid of me after what we’ve been through. We’re friends. ''[Flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 1)#Keith's Machination|Joey and Mai inside the castle at Duelist Kingdom]]. flashback ends]'' Mai has nothing in common with you. So she may be a little rough around the edges and she can have an attitude every once in a while, but she’d never join up with a bunch of low-lives who have some crazy plan to take over the world.
:'''Valon''': We’ll just see.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': I know Valon's around here somewhere and I have to stop this duel now. I better be too late 'cause I’m gonna make Wheeler pay for what he did to me.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rebecca''': Let's try this again. ''[typing the laptop]'' Come on... ''[groans]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Hey! Any luck in there, Rebecca?
:'''Tea Gardner''': You've asked five times. She's working as fast as she can.
:'''Duke Devlin''': Aren't you the one who told us to have faith?
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Why don't you get off my back, Duke! Joey's in trouble, and it we don't move fast things could get even worse!
:'''Tea Gardner''': Take it easy, Tristan.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': I can't, Tea! Don't you guys see that this whole thing is my fault!?
:'''Pharaoh''': No, Tristan.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': When Joey and I got [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On_the_Wrong_Track|separated from you guys]], he told me about his plan, and I should have talked to him out of it then.
:''[Flashes back to Joey and Tristan carry Rex Raptor on the railway tracks to find Tea and the Pharaoh, but Joey feels down.]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': I just figured it all out.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': Figured what out? What are you talking about, Joey?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Why [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#My Freaky Valentine|Mai teamed up with those low-lives]]. It's 'cause I was a terrible friend. I let her down.
:'''Tristan Taylor''': That's crazy.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': But it's true. If Dartz my be the one that brainwashed her. But I'm the one that drove her away in the first place. Now I gotta go and set things straight by finding these guys and breaking that spell!
:'''Tristan Taylor''': But how? ''[confused]'' Aw, man.
:''[cuts back to the present]''
:'''Tristan Taylor''': What was i thinking?! How could i let him do this?
:'''Tea Gardner''': Joey's got a mind of his own, Tristan.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking]'' ''Let's just hope he's using with his legendary dragon the Claw of Hermos.''

===''Part 3''===
:'''Rebecca''': Hey, i did it! I finally found Joey. If this read out's right, Joey's not far, guys.
:'''Pharaoh''': All right, I'll takes this and track him down. You move the trailer to a safer place.
:'''Tea''': Not so fast Pharaoh. ''[Pharaoh stops and looks at Tea and Tristan]'' You're not going alone.
:'''Tristan''': That's right. We're all this together.
:'''Pharaoh''': I guess You've made up your minds. ''[smiles]'' Thank you. Now let's go.
:'''Rebecca''': Ahem.
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, You stay here. Duke, can you keep an eye on them until we get back.
:'''Duke''': You got it.
:'''Rebecca''': No, I want to go, too. Come on, Grandpa.
:'''Arthur''': Mm-mmm We've got our own work to do. We need your talents back here.
:''[Rebecca sighs]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Rebecca, as soon as Joey safe, we'll find Yugi.
:'''Rebecca''': Promise me he's all right.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi's going to be just fine. I promise. Please, trust me.
:'''Duke''': Come on, man, you don't have a second to lose, so go kick some butt and take names.
:'''Pharaoh''': Well, that's one way to put it.
:'''Tristan''': Let's chit-chat later, OK.
:'''Rebecca''': Good luck with everything.
:'''Pharaoh''': You, too.
:'''Arthur''': If you need us, just call.
:'''Pharaoh''': Right.
:''[They ran off together to find Joey]''
:'''Arthur''': Don't worry, Rebecca. ''[Rebecca looks at her grandfather]'' Yugi will be back here safe and sound in no time at all.
:'''Rebecca''': But how do you know?
:'''Arthur''': Because I believe in the Pharaoh, and you should too.
:'''Rebecca''': Fine.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai''': ''[thinking] You're mine, Wheeler.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[When Mai showed up and found Valon in the duel with Joey]''
:'''Valon''': Hey, Mai! You're just in time to catch the end of the greatest duel ever played.
:'''Mai''': ''[takes off her helmet]'' You and i had a deal, remember!? Joey Wheeler's mine! ''[Orichalcos blocks her]'' Ah!
:'''Joey''': Mai, no!
:'''Mai''': Look, you've done enough, so why don't you take a hike and let me finish this!?
:'''Valon''': Sorry, no can do.
:'''Mai''': Huh?
:'''Valon''': I'm having way too much fun out here to stop now. Plus this duel is no place for you.
:'''Mai''': Why's that?
:'''Valon''': There's too much at stake. I won't let you risk losing everything you have. That's why i challenged Joey Wheeler in the first place to protect you. I wanted to get rid of him so you'd be able to move on with your life, and that's exactly what i'm gonna do.
:'''Joey''': Guess what, Mai. I'm fighting for same reason.
:'''Valon''': Then let's get on with it! Shall we? I can't wait to see what you play next.
:'''Joey''': You're gonna have to wait, Valon, 'cause i play one card face down and end my turn.
:'''Valon''': Big mistake, pal.

===''Part 4''===
* After Joey defeats Valon and now it’s up against Mai for a rematch.
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Joey and Valon were engaged in an armored standoff in the middle of the Oricalchos field]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's time to activate Big Bang Dragon Blow's special effect! ''[Joey tributes Red-Eyes Black Dragon to make Big Bang Dragon Blow supercharged]'' By sacrificing my Red-Eyes, I made my armored fist even more powerful! Now it's able to destroy all your monsters and subtract their strength from your Life Points! ''[Big Bang Dragon Blow builds up pressure against Valon and Joey sends Valon flying away from the center and destroying his Armor monsters]''
:'''Valon''': ''[skids to a halt]'' You did it. You won. ''[panting and making his Life Points drop to 0]'' Congratulations. Goodbye.
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''[gasps]'' It's my fault.
:'''Valon''': Don't be silly, Mai. I caused my own downfall. I thought if i won i could make you forget about Joey Wheeler. But now i understand why he meant so much to you. The guy's got heart.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon, wait.
:'''Valon''': Hey Joey, It's up to you now, Saved Mai.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan... I sense the arrival of powerful soul. Let's see who, shall we? ''[spots at Valon in stone]'' Well... look what the orichalcos dragged in. My former employee. Now it's Miss Valentine's turn to send me a soul... or to give up her own. ''[evily laughter]''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Mai hold Valon's lifeless body, her eyes full of tears]''
:'''Mai Valentine''': Valon. Come back... Valon.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It's too late. The orichalcos has him now.
:''[Mai remembers to flashbacks to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Deck of Armor|what Valon said]] flashback ends.]''
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Hey, Mai... We'll get him back.
:'''Mai Valentine''': How could he do this? Valon's the one who told me you have to duel for yourself. Then he turns around and fights you to protect me? How pathetic. Hmm. He deserved this.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': What? Look, Mai, Valon realized what he told you was wrong. He found out what dueling is really about determination and heart.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Hmm.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': He fought like a true duelist today.
:'''Mai Valentine''': I thought you wanted to destroy him.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': Hold on, Mai, Valon may have annoyed me... but no one deserves to have their soul taken away and then held captive by some power-hungry psychopath! I don't care who they are!
:'''Mai Valentine''': Ha.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': You know what, Mai... I realize something now. As long as that Orichalcos thing has control over your mind, I'll never be able to talk any sense into you! As a matter of fact, the only way I can save you at this point is to duel you! So, what do you say!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai Valentine''': I see. So you beat this loser and now it’s gone to your head?
:'''Joey Wheeler''': It isn’t like that, Mai.
:'''Mai Valentine''': Why else would you be dumb enough to challenge me a duel? You should have learned your lesson from our last match.
:'''Joey Wheeler''': The only way I can get through to you… is by dueling you!
:'''Mai Valentine''': If you say so. ''[activates her chaos duel disk]''
:'''Mai and Joey''': Let’s duel! ''[their life points to 4000]''

===''Part 5''===
:'''Téa''': We gotta find him!
:'''Tristan''': Joey! Where are you, man?!
:'''Téa''': Hey are you down there?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Joey! Answer us!
:'''Téa''': Hello?!
:'''Tristan''': I could swear that orichalcos thing activated right here.
:'''Téa''': Me, too. So why isn’t it here now? Unless we’re too late!
:'''Tristan''': Don’t say that, Téa!
:'''Pharaoh''': Hang in there, Joey!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey:''' Congratulations. You win. 
:(''Collapses from exhaustion'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey, no!! You're wrong. I never attacked so you didn't lose the duel.
:'''Joey:''' But, I'm too exhausted... to finish.
:'''Mai:''' I won't let the Orichalcos take you away, Joey.
:'''Joey:''' It's too late for that. I already lost the duel, so there's no turnin' back. I'm just glad that if one of us had to lose our soul, it didn't have to be you, Mai.
:'''Mai:''' Don't say that.
:'''Joey:''' Hey, Mai, that was one of the greatest duels I ever fought. Thank you.
:(''His spirit is taken by the Seal, leaving Mai horrified'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey!! NO!!
:(''The fragment of the Orchicalcos on her [[w: choker |choker]] shatters'')
:'''Dartz:''' She's been set free! ''[spots at Joey Wheeler in stone]'' Ah! But what's this? It seems miss Valentine has served her purpose.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:(''Mai hold Joey's lifeless body, her eyes full of tears'')
:'''Mai:''' Joey, wait! SNAP OUT OF IT! This is all my fault! I was angry and confused, and I blamed all my loneliness on you! So I tried to get rid of you. How could I be so selfish? You're the only one who ever cared about me. ''[sobbing]'' You're the closest friend I ever had, and how did I repay you? By leaving you for a madman who promised me power. ''[grabs the Claw of Hermos card]'' I'll make him regret the day he ever met Mai Valentine!! ''[she hops the motorcycle droves off back to Paradius leaving Joey behind next to Valon.]'' ''The only way to fix this is to meet Dartz face to face.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Mai arriving back to Paradius headquarters and looks up]''
:'''Mai:''' Here goes nothing.
:''[]''
:'''Mai:''' Hey Dartz! Is that you?
:'''Rafael:''' Guess again, Mai.
:'''Mai:''' Rafael! What do you want!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Pharaoh, Tristan and Tea arrives and they found a soulless Joey.]''
:'''Tristan''': ''[shocked]'' No way!
:'''Tea''': What happened?
:'''Pharaoh''': He lost the duel.
:'''Tea''': Wait, Does that mean?
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes his soul belongs to Dartz now.

==''Grappling with a Guardian''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tea''': Joey, please say something?
:'''Pharaoh''': I don't think he can hear us.
:'''Tea''': Then it's true. The Orichalcos took his soul.
:'''Tristan''': When I get my hands on the person who did this to Joey, they're gonna wish they were never born! Wake up, man.
:'''Tea''': Who did do this? ''[she looks at the soulless Valon]'' 'Cause by the looks of Valon, I have to say it wasn't him. So Tristan what's going on here?
:'''Tristan''': Don't you see Tea? Joey must have defeated Valon and then Mai showed up. ''She'' did this to him. I'm sure of it!
:'''Tea''': How could she?
:'''Tristan''': Easily. She couldn't wait to get rid of Joey.
:'''Pharaoh''': That's true, Tristan, However, There's only one person we can really blame for all of this, and I think you know who I mean. He hides safely in his fortress while others do his dirty work. Well, not anymore. ''[rans off]''
:'''Tea''': Pharaoh, Wait!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) This all ends now, Dartz.''

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:'''Dartz''': ''[voice-over, evilly laughing] We've been expecting you, Pharaoh''.

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:''[Pharaoh looks at soulless Mai in the elevator]''
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[gasps]'' Mai?  Mai, say something. She must have been in a duel, and it appears she lost both the duel and her soul belongs to Dartz now. I must put an end to this.

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:'''Rafael''': Well, It's about time you showed up for our rematch.
:'''Pharaoh''': This doesn't concern you, Rafael. I'm here to see Dartz. Is your master so much of a coward that he sent you to do his battles for him?
:'''Rafael''': Not quite. You owe me something. But first. ''[holds a card and he catches the card to the Pharaoh]'' Why don't you take this?
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[spots the Claw of Hermos card]'' It's the Claw of Hermos. Joey's card. So you're the one who defeated Joey, aren't you?
:'''Rafael''': Actually, Mai beat Joey, then ''I'' defeated her.
:'''Pharaoh''': But why? Wasn't Mai on your side?
:'''Rafael''': I never trusted her, and turns out I was right all along. ''[Flashback to his and Mai's duel inside Paradius; voice-over]'' After she took [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fighting for a Friend|Joey's soul]], she turned on us.
:'''Mai''': I've had it with your ridiculous world domination mumbo jumbo and I want out! It's time for Dartz to answer for what he made me do to Joey. Let's see how he likes it when the orichalcos captures him!
:'''Rafael''': You sure you don't wanna take that back? Dartz isn't exactly known for his sense of humor.
:'''Mai''': So?
:'''Rafael''': Then you leave me no choice. It's my duty to protect him, so goodbye to your soul. ''[activates his chaos duel disk and Mai activates her chaos duel disk, voice-over]'' Biggest mistake she ever made.
:''[Rafael defeats Mai and she screaming as the orichalcos claims her soul away.]''
:'''Mai''': Joey! I'm sorry, I tried my best. ''[collapses and drops the Claw of Hermos.]''
:'''Rafael''': ''[voice-over]'' Unfortunately, her best wasn't good enough.
:''[the flashback ends]''
:'''Pharaoh''': This madness has to stop. Just think of how many innocent lives have been destroyed. You may be next.
:'''Rafael''': Do you think i really care? I made a commitment to help Master Dartz save the planet from crumbling at the hands of people like you, and if keeping my promise means giving up my own soul, well, then so be it, 'cause even if i'm captured, i'll be doing my part by giving the Great Leviathan the strength it needs to restore peace to the world once again.
:'''Pharaoh''': Wake up, Rafael! Can't you see that your so-called Master Dartz is just using you to satisfy his own selfish needs? If you really what to save the world, then stop fighting me and join my side.
:'''Rafael''': As soon as the great beast is revived, I'm afraid your side will no longer exist, Pharaoh, and all it needs to get started is one more strong soul.
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh no. It's true.
:'''Rafael''': You better believe it. as we speak, the Great Leviathan lurks in the shadows all over the earth. And as soon as i defeat you, your life energy will be offered to the beast, giving it the strength it needs to fully cross over into our world.

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:''[Tristan and Tea running the streets Tristan carried Joey]''
:'''Tristan''': Why did the Pharaoh take off liked that?
:'''Tea''': He must've gone after Dartz for what happened to Yugi.

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:'''Rafael''': As we speak, the most devastating creature that ever lived is waiting to rise again. All it needs now is your soul, and the Sacred Seal of Orichalcos will take care of that once I take you down. Of course, I already defeated you once, but somehow you were able to cheat me by switching places with someone else. ''[Flashes back to [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Fate_of_the_Pharaoh|their last duel as the Seal took Yugi]].]'' Don't even think about trying to pull a stunt like that gain, Pharaoh. I don't appreciate being lied to, and besides, there's no one for you to hide behind this time, 'cause now it's just you and me. The winner leaves a free man. The loser becomes a prisoner to the beast!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're on! If that's what it takes to set my friends free, then let's duel! And once you're out of my way, I can go straight for Dartz! It's just a shame that a duelist with your talents has to throw it all away by following a madman.
:'''Rafael''': Look, Master Dartz opened me up the truth and made me who I am today. You're just jealous because you don't have one of these, right? ''[holds up the Seal of Orichalcos card]'' Well, not anymore, anyway.
:'''Pharaoh''': You can't tempt me with that again, Rafael.
:'''Rafael''': I wasn't planning on it, but you can have one last look at it while you shuffle my deck… for old time's sake.
:'''Pharaoh''': I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work. I won't give in to my dark side!
:'''Rafael''': We'll see about that.
:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) I must stay true to my heart, no matter what he tries to do.''
:''[Pharaoh and Rafael shuffle their decks]''
:'''Rafael''': May the best man win...and when I do, you'll be gone forever. I'm gonna enjoy this.
:'''Pharaoh and Rafael''': Time to Duel!

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:'''Rafael''': Now I play Butterfly Dagger. This weapon gives my Backup Gardna 300 extra attack points. It also allows me to summon my Guardian Elma.
:'''Pharaoh''': I've never seen that Guardian monster.
:'''Rafael''': There are plenty of monsters in my deck you've never seen, and this one lets me bring my Guardian Shield back from the graveyard. And I'll give it to Guardian Elma. Plus, my Backup Gardna's special ability transfers my Butterfly Dagger to Guardian Elma. Now, Guardian Elma… attack his Queen's Knight! Guardian Grarl, it's your turn now! Attack his King's Knight with Gravity Axe! What now, Pharaoh? What puny knight stands between me and your Life Points?

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:'''Pharaoh''': ''(thinking) He gave up his own strength to save his monster!'' I'll place two cards face down and end my turn. ''(thinking) I've never come across a duelist like him before. He refuses to let any of his monsters go to the card graveyard. He protects them at all costs! Why would a duelist like this hold a card like the Seal of Orichalcos?'' Rafael, don't you understand what's going on here? As long as you're loyal to Dartz, you'll never be true to yourself. You have too much respect for your cards to use them for such an evil purpose. But Dartz has brainwashed you into believing you're someone else!
:'''Rafael''': The only thing Master Dartz did was open my eyes to the truth.
:'''Pharaoh''': You're ''wrong!''
:'''Rafael''': This world is an evil place, and ''you're'' part of the problem. So I'm here to fix that. And thanks to my master, I have just the tool to do it. Now, I play the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Pharaoh''': NO, RAFAEL! PLEASE! DON'T!
:'''Rafael''': Sorry, Pharaoh, it's too late for that now. Your fate is sealed!

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:'''Téa''': Hey look guys. It's Mai.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[looks at soulless Mai]'' Oh, man. Don't tell me you guys she lost her soul too.
:'''Tristan''': I don't mean to sound insensitive, but who's carrying her?
:'''Pharaoh''': You're making a mistake! RAFAEL! NO!

===''Part 2''===
:'''Rafael''': This time the Seal belongs to me!
:'''Pharaoh''': What were you thinking, Rafael? Now one of us is going to lose his soul.
:'''Rafael''': That's the whole point, Pharaoh. The Great Leviathan needs power, and once I take you down and capture your soul, that legendary creature will have the strength it needs to awaken.
:'''Pharaoh''': We'll see.
:'''Tristan''': That's the same guy who beat Yugi last time!
:'''Seto Kaiba''': ''[shocked]'' What?!

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:'''Rafael''': It's time to bring out my ultimate monster, but first I'll play this card, Celestial Sword - Eatos!
:'''Pharaoh''': The Sword of Eatos? ''This can only mean one thing: he's about to summon Guardian Eatos!''
:'''Rafael''': Now I'll draw two cards. The time has come to play the card that beat you last time. It's my Guardian Eatos! ''[summons Guardian Eatos]''
:'''Pharaoh''': I have to act quickly! With 500 Life Points left, I don't have much time! ''[after Guardian Eatos is summoned and affected by the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Look what you've done to your Guardian! It's been consumed by darkness!
:'''Rafael''': Exactly, and it's more powerful than ever now. Nothing can stop it.

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:''[Guardian Eatos tries to destroy Yugi's Dark Magician with her Celestial Sword and it breaks, cutting her attack points back to 3000]''
:'''Rafael''': ''[shocked]'' Say what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Allow me to clear things up for you. A few moments ago, I sent three monsters to my graveyard, one of which saved me. That card was this, my Electromagnetic Turtle! When this monster was destroyed, it created an electromagnetic barrier, shielding my magician from your attack.
:'''Rafael''': No way. He had that planned all along!
:'''Tristan''': In your face, meathead!
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) The Pharaoh's gonna pay for mocking the power of my Guardian Eatos.'' I END MY TURN!
:'''Pharaoh''': Perhaps you should've thought twice before you poisoned your own monsters with the dark powers of the Orichalcos. Take it from someone with experience. Betraying your monsters only backfires in the end.
:'''Rafael''': You played the Seal of Orichalcos once and all of a sudden you're an expert of the subject?

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:'''Rafael''': You can't win a duel with defense, Pharaoh. All you're doing is stalling for time. Well, I'm afraid your time's just run out. Eatos, destroy his most valuable monster, the Dark Magician!
:'''Tristan''': Oh, no!
:'''Tea''': Pharaoh!
:'''Mokuba''': Do something!
:'''Pharaoh''': Magical Hats, activate! Hide my monsters!
:'''Rafael''': What's going on?!
:'''Tristan''': Awesome! Magical Hats shuffled Yugi's monsters so Blondie blasted the wrong one.
:'''Mokuba''': That's true, but he gets to attack again, so Yugi's magician's still in danger!
:'''Pharaoh''': All right, one of these three remaining hats is concealing my monster, so go ahead! Hit me with your best shot!
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) Three hats and one monster. I know what I have to do. I'll use Elma to improve my odds, then I'll send Grarl to finish things off.'' Go, Elma! Find his Dark Magician! ''[Guardian Elma strikes her butterfly dagger at the second hat]'' Now I have a 50-50 shot. Guardian Grarl, attack!
:''[Guardian Grarl punches the third hat with his fist, Dark Magician appears from the last hat]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Wrong hat!
:'''Rafael''': Oh, no!
:'''Pharaoh''': What a shame. Looks like you used up all of your chances.
:'''Rafael''': ''(thinking) How could I have messed that up?! I was about to win the duel and capture the Pharaoh!'' My turn's not over yet! I activate my Rod of Silence! This lets me play another Guardian monster, my all-powerful Guardian Kay'est!

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:'''Pharaoh''': ''[horrified shock]'' What's that?!
:'''Tea''': I've got one word: nasty!
:'''Tristan''': Here's four: I'm gonna be sick.
:'''Pharaoh''': For the last time, what is that thing?!
:'''Rafael''': I told you-- when Eatos goes to the graveyard, '''''this''''' monster is summoned to the field in its place. So say hello to my Guardian Dreadsycthe!
:'''Pharaoh''': Hello and goodbye. It's no match for my dragon!
:'''Rafael''': It will be. First, I'll boost its strength with my Reaper Scythe magic card. Now, for the best part, thanks to its new weapon, my Guardian of darkness gains 500 attack points for every monster in my graveyard.
:'''Pharaoh''': But why? I thought you despised having monsters in your graveyard!
:'''Rafael''': But I despise you even more, so what's a few monsters in the grave if it means destroying you forever? And with only 500 life points left, you won't last long.

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:'''Pharaoh''': I know first-hand what the Oricalchos does to a person's heart and I can help you. Think, when Earls was destroyed, you released your anger on your other monsters. You left the Oricalchos feed on your rage like I did.
:'''Rafael''': So? What's your point?
:'''Pharaoh''': That this isn't who you really are. The darkness within you has taken control, and now you must face that darkness head on. It's the only way for you to save yourself.
:'''Rafael''': ''You'' need to be saved.
:'''Pharaoh''': If you don't believe my words, then maybe this will convince you!
:'''Rafael''': What are you holding?
:'''Pharaoh''': A card that forces you to take a closer look at yourself-- Underworld Circle!
:'''Rafael''': What on earth does that do?
:'''Pharaoh''': BEHOLD! It's time to take some responsibility for what you've done, Rafael! Underworld Circle, activate!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Pharaoh''': First, I'll use the magic of Underworld Circle to bring my Big Shield Gardna back from the graveyard! Then, I'll activate my Pot of Greed! This let me draw two cards. ''(thinking) Excellent. That's just the card I've been waiting for!'' Time to face what you did…when you betrayed your heart! For now, I activate the magic card, Spider Web, which let me use a card from your graveyard!
:'''Rafael''': What's the point of all this?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm using my Spider Web to bring back your Monster Reborn card. And I'm planning on using it to save you by setting you free from the darkness!
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, whatever.
:'''Pharaoh''': I use Monster Reborn to revive a creature that once saved your life and that you in turn, deserted! ''[resurects Guardian Eatos]''
:'''Rafael''': Eatos?!
:'''Tea''': What's he gonna do with that card?
:'''Mokuba''': Hopefully win.
:'''Pharaoh''': One more thing. ''(thinking) Joey… I can only accomplish this with your help.'' I summon The Claw of Hermos!
:'''Tristan''': Hey, Joey! Check it out, man! He just summoned your boy!
:'''Pharaoh''': And now, Hermos and Queen's Knight, combine together to form Goddess Bow! That doubles the attack points of Guardian Eatos! And since Eatos has been removed from your graveyard, your Dreadscythe gets weaker!
:'''Rafael''': What are you up to? Our monsters are even now. So if you attack, they're both destroyed. But mine comes back!
:'''Pharaoh''': We'll see about that! I have a few more surprises planned! Eatos attack his Dreadscythe, NOW! I activate the special ability of my Goddess Bow! Now every time your Dreadscythe revives itself, Eatos can attack again!
:'''Rafael''': No!
:'''Pharaoh''': And don't forget, with each attack, you lose another card!
:'''Mokuba''': Of course! If Rafael runs out of cards, his monster can't come back!
:'''Pharaoh''': The dark flame of your Dreadscythe is now extinguished.

==''A Duel with Dartz''==
===''Part 1''===
:'''Tristan:''' Dude, what's with all these people chiseled in stone?
:'''Tea:''' They're just any people! Take a look!
:'''Pharaoh:''' ''[spots at Yugi, Joey, Mai, Pegasus, Weevil, Rex, Alister, Valon and all many people in stone]'' Oh, no! There's Mai and Weevil!
:'''Tristan:''' This must be everyone who lost their soul!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Yugi!
:'''Dartz''': ''[voice-over]'' What a touching reunion. Too bad your friends turned out to be a bunch of stiffs. ''[laughing evilly and reveals himself from fire]''
:'''Pharaoh:''' Dartz!
:'''Dartz''': You were expecting someone else? Well, due to the carelessness of my employees, ''I'm'' the only one left. You can't find good help these days.
:'''Kaiba:''' Look, I want my company back, so can the small talk!
:'''Dartz''': Is that so? Well, guess what? We all want something. As for me, I want your souls for my wall. I even have the spot picked out.
:'''Kaiba:''' Save it, Dartz! It'll take a lot more than a few party tricks to scare me!
:'''Pharaoh:''' Now, for the last time, release our friends!!
:'''Dartz:''' That's not possible.
:'''Pharaoh:''' What do you mean?
:'''Dartz:''' I mean they've already been put to use. As we speak, their life energy supplies to the most devastating creature that ever lived.
:'''Tea:''' Oh, great. Now, what?
:'''Dartz:''' My 10,000 year old collection is almost complete. Once I get you two, the beast can rise.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Hold on! You've been collecting souls for all those years?! Do you know how many lives you've destroyed?!
:'''Dartz:''' ''[snickers evilly] Millions!'' And each one of them deserved their fate! Take a moment to look around, won't you? Some of my favorite conquests are in this very room. And since it's taken me millennia to complete, it's quite the history lesson. 
:'''Tea''': He's right. Look at the outfits on these guys. 
:'''Mokuba''': So some of these people lived in the past? 
:'''Dartz''': Now you're catching on. Ever since the Great Leviathan was laid to rest, I've been gathering the energy necessary to fuel its rebirth. 
:'''Kaiba''': Come on, you expect us to believe that junk?
:'''Dartz''': Ye of little faith. Just duel me and I promise I'll make a believer out of you, For when you lose, there will be no denying my power. 
:'''Kaiba''': Then let's stop talking and start dueling. 
:'''Pharaoh''': You can't, Kaiba-- not alone. This lunatic is far too dangerous. 
:'''Dartz''': So why don't you join him? And when I defeat you, I'll get two souls for the price of one!
:'''Pharaoh''': All right. Ready, Kaiba?
:'''Kaiba''': I'm way ahead of you.
:''[Meanwhile… Rafael puts a soulless Valon on the back of the jeep along a soulless Mai on front seat]''
:'''Rafael''': Don't worry, I'll save you both. Mark my words, Dartz is gonna pay.

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:''[After the Pharaoh and Kaiba summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon and Black Luster Soldier, both monsters with 3000 attack points]''
:'''Mokuba''': All right! Dartz better watch out! They just summoned two major league monsters on their first turn!
:'''Dartz''': Those pathetic creatures may work in your little card tournaments, but I'm afraid ''I'' play a completely different game-- a game in which the winner takes ALL, and the loser pays the ultimate price! This card was born from the darkness itself! ''[echoes]'' Behold, a power that has existed since the dawn of time. The very power that shall strip you of your souls! ''[plays the Seal of Orichalcos]''
:'''Kaiba''': Oh, no!
:'''Pharaoh''': The Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Mokuba''': Whoa. Do you feel that?
:'''Tristan''': If you mean the sudden drop in temperature and that freaky evil vibe in the air, then yes, I do.
:'''Téa''': ''[worried]'' Me too.
:'''Dartz''': Now that I've set the tone for this duel, allow me to continue. Watch this. Arise, Orichalcos Gigas!
:'''Pharaoh''': I faced this beast before, and it was almost impossible to destroy, Kaiba.
:'''Kaiba''': That's 'cause last time you didn't have me to bail you out.
:'''Dartz''': Next, I'll sacrifice 500 of my Life Points. That let's me summon my Orichalcos Kyutora. And, thanks to the Seal, it gets an additional 500 points. All right. I guess that'll do for now.

===''Part 2''===
* This marks the only appearance of Dartz's wife and Chris' mother Iona in flashbacks.

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:'''Dartz''': And so the Battle of Atlantis began! You see my father had opened up a gateway to the Dominion of the Beasts and he used the monsters within to form an army of his own.
:'''Pharaoh''': Tell me, what was the battle's outcome?
:'''Dartz''': Neither side were victorious and Atlantis sunk to the bottom of the sea. My father's monster army were scattered around the world and sealed away until they be needed again. The Leviathan was drained of its power and also sealed away. It's taken me 10,000 years to gather the energy necessary to bring it back. All that's left of me to do is to defeat you two in this duel. Then your souls will awaken the Great Leviathan and my plan will finally come to pass.
:'''Kaiba''': Hold on! We already defeated you! Our Master of Dragon Soldier should've wipe out the rest of your life points.
:'''Dartz''': Perhaps it should have, but I'm afraid it didn't. Your pathetic attack failed short of its target. So this duel is still on.

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:'''Dartz''': Orichalcos Gigas, return!
:'''Pharaoh''': I told you, Kaiba. Each time his Gigas is destroyed, it comes back even stronger!
:'''Dartz''': Face it, you'll never defeat me! The power of the Orichalcos will swallow you both! Now back to the duel. Since my Gigas returned to me, I can't draw a card. But no matter, everything I need is in my hand. So I'll enhance the power of the Seal with this-- the magic of Orichalcos Deuteros! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Kaiba''': What's going on?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Somehow he's made the Seal of Orichalcos stronger!

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:''[After Dartz activates the Orichalcos Deuteros spell card, adding another layer to the Seal of Orichalcos]''
:'''Dartz''': Gentlemen, welcome to the second level of darkness!
:'''Kaiba''': The what?!
:'''Pharaoh''': I don't know how. But Dartz just added another layer to the Seal of Orichalcos!
:'''Tea''': Right! So what does that mean?
:'''Dartz''': The first benefit of my Orichalcos Deuteros, is the addition of 500 Life Points each turn for every monster I have on the field. Therefore, since I have two, that's 1,000 points!
:'''Kaiba''': What?! How are we supposed to wipe him out?!
:'''Dartz''': You're not. It makes me invincible! Next, I'll attack your Master of Dragon Soldier! Go, my Orichalcos Gigas!
:'''Pharaoh''': Nice try! But my dragon's too strong!
:'''Dartz''': Kyutora, absorb ''all'' the damage! ''[chuckles]'' My Life Points are safe. And now, my Gigas returns!
:'''Tristan''': That creep! He's letting his Orichalcos Gigas get its butt kicked on purpose, so it can come back stronger!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] That can't be it. His monster would have to be destroyed seven more times before it could defeat my dragon. So there must be more to his plan. Perhaps the secret lies in his Kyutora, and its ability to absorb attack damage. Yes! That creature must have another special ability!''
:'''Kaiba''': All right, Dartz, my move! ''[thinking] As long as that eyesore is on the field, it's pointless to attack his Orichalcos Gigas because Dartz won't lose any Life Points. Plus, Gigas will just come back stronger. But if I attack Dartz directly, I should be able to win the duel!'' I place one card facedown on the field! And next… I summon my Blade Knight! And since I have only one card left in my hand, Blade Knight gets another 400 attack points! I think that'll do for now. 
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] He's setting himself up for something.''
:'''Kaiba''': ''[thinking] Yugi better not screw this up for me.''

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:'''Kaiba''': Oh, no! That attack was supposed to hit Dartz, not his monster!
:'''Pharaoh''': It's a force field! But how did he create it? 
:'''Dartz''': By using the second layer of the Seal, of course. Whenever my Life Points are targeted... My Orichalcos Deuteros steps in to defend me. It's simple. ''I'' make a sacrifice so that your monster takes the hit! You know what that means, right? Your dragon just attacked itself!

===''Part 3''===
:'''Dartz:''' So tell me, Gentlemen, what do you think of my newest soldiers? I'm sure there's no need for any introductions.
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's not funny, Dartz.
:'''Dartz:''' Maybe not to you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's enough.
:'''Kaiba:''' Just drop the magic act and let's duel.
:'''Dartz:''' But we are dueling, you insensible twit. We're just doing it by my rules, that's all. Since I now control the souls of your former friends, I thought it would be fun to let them play along with us.
:'''Tea:''' Leave them alone!
:'''Tristan:''' What did they do to you?!
:'''Dartz:''' You should be thanking me.
:'''Pharaoh:''' And why's that?
:'''Dartz:''' I'm giving you one last chance to see your companions. Before their souls are gone forever.
:'''Pharaoh:''' You'll never take them away from us, Dartz!
:'''Dartz:''' That's right, Pharaoh. Let your anger consume you. Feel the darkness within you beginning to spread. The stronger your rage, the more powerful the Great Leviathan will be when it absorbs your soul. Now where we? Ah, yes. Mirror Knight Yugi. It's time to attack your other half.
:'''Pharaoh:''' No, Yugi! Fight it! I know you can hear me!
:''[Yugi struggles to fight against Dartz's command]''
:'''Dartz:''' What's this? My soldier is still loyal to you? How touching. [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Self_Destruction|Even though you turned your back on him, he refuses to seek revenge]]. That will soon change.
:'''Pharaoh:''' We'll see.

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:'''Pharaoh:''' Kaiba!
:'''Kaiba:''' Just save it! That second-rate chump has held me back for the last time! Different Dimension Dragon Attack!
:'''Pharaoh:''' No! Don't do this!
:'''Kaiba:''' Too late!
:(''Knight Yugi's shield disintegrates'')
:'''Kaiba:''' No way!

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:'''Rafael''': You don't look happy to see me, and after all we've been through. Where's the love? Don't answer that. I've heard enough lies from you. The Pharaoh opened me up to the truth.
:'''Dartz''': Really?
:'''Rafael''': Yeah, really. Thanks to him, [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Grappling_with_a_Guardian|I was able to escape the seal of orichalcos with my soul still intact]] unlike them and everyone else you used. Now set them free before you end up on that wall.
:'''Dartz''': Your soul may have been spared, but it sounds like the orichalcos took what was left of your brain.
:'''Rafael''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Dartz''': It means you're more gullible than ever. Do you honestly think the darkness that once controlled you is gone?
:'''Rafael''': Yes. The Pharaoh set me free.
:'''Dartz''': Did he... Hmm. Or did he just trick you the way you think I did?
:'''Rafael''': Stop it! You're messing with my head.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Pharaoh:''' Rafael, You mustn't listen to him.
:'''Rafael:''' Everything is your fault. You took me from my family.
:'''Dartz:''' I needed your anger, your thirst for revenge.
:'''Rafael''': ''[enraged]'' YOU RUINED MY LIFE, YOU MONSTER!!

===''Part 4''===
:'''Dartz''': It's time to reinforce the sacred Seal with its most powerful layer thus far! Behold the ancient magic of my Orichalcos Tritos! ''[adds a third layer to the Seal of Orichalcos]'' Welcome to level 3, gentlemen.
:'''Pharaoh''': How can the Seal possibly get any stronger?!
:'''Dartz''': We're dealing with a force greater than the darkest shadows and older than time itself. Does that answer your question?
:'''Mokuba''': Whoa!
:'''Tea''': His Life Points are out of control!
:'''Dartz''': Orichalcos Malevolence, use your special ability to switch Kaiba's dragon into attack mode! So I'm afraid this is goodbye. With an attack strength of only 1400, your dragon is far too weak to defend your Life Points.
:'''Kaiba''': So that means…
:'''Pharaoh''': You lose!
:'''Dartz''': Now my beast, bring Kaiba's soul to me!
:'''Kaiba''': Wrong! I activate my Shrink card! 
:'''Dartz''': ''[chuckles and the third layer of the Seal destroys Kaiba's magic card]'' Is it beginning to sink in yet? When used properly, the Seal of Orichalcos is unmatched by any other card in the game! And due to its third layer, your magic and trap cards are useless against me!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Kyutora has ''another'' ability! Whenever it's destroyed, it '''''evolves!'''''
:''[Orichalcos Kyutora is destroyed and Orichalcos Shunoros appears]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Oh, no! What's going on?!
:'''Kaiba''': What is that?!
:'''Dartz''': My little friend is all grown up, so playtime's over! Gentlemen, I'd like you meet Orichalcos Shunoros!
:'''Kaiba''': Did you see what I see?!
:'''Pharaoh''': Unfortunately.
:'''Tea''': See what?
:'''Tristan''': That thing's got 20,000 points!
:'''Dartz''': Don't look so surprised. ''You're'' the ones who created this unstoppable beast! You may have destroyed my previous monsters, but you unleashed something far worse!
:'''Pharaoh''': It can wipe us out in one strike!
:'''Dartz''': You're absolutely right, but before I do that, I have some more bad news to share. Orichalcos Shunoros, activate your special ability! Release Orichalcos Dexia… and Orichalcos Aristeros!
:'''Pharaoh''': What's the meaning of this?!
:'''Dartz''': Allow me to clear things up. Shunoros just released two more creatures. The first one is known as Dexia, and its attack strength is always 300 points higher than the monster it's battling, making it the perfect sword! And the second one is just as strong. It will intercept every one of your attacks and retaliate with a blast that's 300 points greater than the one you fired, making Orichalcos Aristeros the perfect shield! You'll never get past my triple threat!
:'''Pharaoh''': ''[thinking] Not only is his monster more powerful than Kaiba's dragon… but with Dexia and Aristeros on the front line, our attacks won't even get through!''
:'''Dartz''': I activate the trap card, Martyr Curse! This forces one of your monsters to engage in a battle with one of my monsters. And as a nasty little side effect, it cancels out any special abilities your creature may have. And since I don't seem to have much of a choice, I'll target your Mirror Force Dragon! Without its reflecting power, your dragon's completely defenseless, which means you're about to be out one soul! Orichalcos Shunoros, remove Kaiba's Life Points so the Orichalcos can remove his spirit!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Kaiba's Wish of Final Effort trap card increases Yugi's Life Points and loses his soul when his Life Points dropped down to zero…]''
:'''Dartz''': Pharaoh, it looks like you're the soul survivor. 
:'''Pharaoh''': You disgust me.
:'''Dartz''': I'll tell you what. Since I already have what I need... You can keep the rest of him!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz:''' Don't worry, Pharaoh. Your friends are fine. I don't need weak souls. I just wanted to spend some quality time with you, one-on-one. Is that so wrong?
:'''Pharaoh:''' That's enough!
:'''Dartz:''' But there's something I think you'll want to know. You and I met 5,000 years ago when you were king of Egypt. We may not have been officially introduced, but I was there watching you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Go on.
:'''Dartz:''' When the battle of Atlantis ended, I thought the Great Leviathan was gone forever. That is, until I met you.
:'''Pharaoh:''' Hold on! What does that evil creature of yours have to do with me?!
:'''Dartz:''' I thought you'd never ask. Behold the Palace of the Pharaoh in year 3000 B.C.! Ring any bells? Hmm?

===''Part 5''===
:'''Joey''': Huh? I've had some weird dreams, but this one takes the cake. Wait, hold on. I remember being trapped in a duel, but... how did i end up floating around in here? 
:'''Yugi''': ''[offscreen]'' Joey? Is that you?
:'''Joey''': Yugi! Long time no see!
:'''Yugi''': I'm glad you're all right!
:'''Maximillion Pegasus''': Please, bubble boy, you call this &quot;all right&quot;?
:'''Yugi and Joey''': Pegasus!
:'''Pegasus''': If we don't escape soon, we never will!
:'''Joey''': Hmm? Where exactly are we, anyway, Huh? ''[spots at Valon, Mai Valentine, Weevil Underwood, Rex Raptor, Alister, Rafael and Seto Kaiba]'' Wait! Everyone in here had their soul captured! This must be where the orichalcos spits you out after you lose a duel! Aah! Calm down. Maybe it is just a dream. Uh...
:'''Yugi''': It's no dream. And take a look, Joey. Things are about to get worse!
:'''Joey''': What's that!?
:'''Pegasus''': Don't you pay attention? That's the Great Leviathan, and it's using human souls for power.
:'''Joey''': It's doing what!? But i don't wanna be turned into soul food!
:'''Yugi''': We can still get out of this mess if the Pharaoh defeats Dartz!
:'''Joey''': Huh? But how see gonna do that? ''[looks at Seto Kaiba]'' Rich boy's with us now. That means.... The Pharaoh's facing Dartz alone out there!
:'''Yugi''': Wrong. Kaiba may have been knocked outta the fight... But the Pharaoh's not alone, Joey.
:'''Joey''': I'm afraid I don't follow, Yuge.
:'''Yugi''':  He's still got all of us. Sure, we're not right there next to him, but we've never let that stop us before.
:'''Joey''': Yeah, but I don't know if that's gonna work this time, 'Cause Dartz is playin' by a whole new set a rules. and nothing can take down that orichalcos card.
:'''Pegasus''': There is one thing that can help.
:'''Joey''': Huh?
:'''Pegasus''': It's the card i gave him. And if the Pharaoh draws it, He'll be able to unleash a force like no other.
:'''Joey''': In this card can beat Dartz?
:'''Pegasus''': Yes. You see, it was during a trip to Egypt that i was inspired to create the game of duel monsters after making an astonishing discovery. Ancient kings and sorcerers once performed dark rituals to conjure real monsters. These creatures were believed to have lived in a universe parallel to ours, and guarding the gateway to this dominion of the beasts were three legendary dragons known as Timaeus, Critias, and Hermos. But you already know about them, right?
:'''Joey''': Right.
:'''Pegasus''': What you don't know is that these dragons aren't what they appear to be. They were buried with a dark secert. So i created a card that unlocks this mystery.
:'''Yugi''': I don't get it. What's the secret?
:'''Pegasus''': I spent many years scouring the globe trying to find an answer to that very question, Yugi boy. First i searched the microscopic world for the tiniest clues. then i scanned the vast reaches of the universe, and still nothing. Other than on stone tablet hidden deep beneath the sands of Egypt, there was no record of the existence of these dragons. Then it dawned on me. What if these dragons aren't dragons at all? What if they're humans!
:'''Yugi''': Humans!? But how is that possible, Pegasus? and what does it have to do with that mystery card you gave to the Pharaoh?
:'''Pegasus''': During the battle of Atlantis, Dartz transformed three brave knights into dragons in an effort to weaken them. Now the Pharaoh must restore them to thier original form... Before we disappear forever!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Dartz''': Impossible! No one can overcome the power of the Orichalcos! You should have lost the duel! What's going on?! Why didn't the Seal take your soul?! Tell me! 
:'''Pharaoh''': You forced me to gaze inside my heart, thinking I would find only darkness. But you were wrong. 
:'''Dartz''': Then you gazed in the wrong place! 
:'''Pharaoh''': Look, believe what you wish, but I know the truth. My heart is filled with the light of friendship, and no magic can take that away, no matter how strong it is. So, thank you. You reminded me that my friends are always with me. And we're going to win this fight and take you down together! Dartz… It all ends right now! ''[draws and gasps; thinking] It's the card Pegasus gave me! I can sense it!''
:'''Dartz''': Well? Get on with it. 
:'''Pharaoh''': Do you know what's in my hand? The key to unlocking the secret of the legendary dragons!
:'''Dartz''': ''[gasps]'' What?!
:'''Pharaoh''': You heard me. Legend of Heart! I give up 1,000 Life Points and remove my Obnoxious Celtic Guardian from the field! This lets me summon Critias, Hermos, and Timaeus in their true form!
:'''Timaeus''': Finally! After 10 millennia in captivity, we've been set free!
:'''Dartz''': No! Not them!
:''[The three legendary knights appear in their true forms on Yugi's side of the field]''
:'''Timaeus''': I am he who is named Timaeus!
:'''Critias''': And I am… Sir Critias!
:'''Hermos''': I am known as… Sir Hermos!
:'''Legendary Knights''': In the name of Atlantis… we have been reborn!!!
:'''Dartz''': ''[shocked in disbelief]'' I thought I took care of you centuries ago! ''[The three knights destroy the Seal of Orichalcos with their swords; horrified]'' What have you done?! My precious Seal is gone!
:'''Hermos''': Your ring of darkness is useless in our presence!
:'''Critias''': Did you forget our last encounter?
:'''Timaeus''': I certainly did not. And I have a score to settle with you!
:'''Pharaoh''': The time has come to weaken your defense!

===''Part 6''===

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Tea''': ''[in tears]'' It is you, Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Tea?
:'''Tea''': I thought we'd never see you again.
:'''Yugi''': It's good to see you, too.
:'''Joey''': All right, Out of my way people. Where's my little buddy? Ha Ha! Yug! Man did i miss this spikey little head.
:'''Yugi''': Hey Joey.
:'''Tea''': The gang is back!
:'''Tristan''': Don't forget about me!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

==''Rise of the Great Beast''==
* This is the 2-part fourth season finale.
===''Part 1'' [E.39]===
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' Monsters, unite. Without us all hope is lost. We must join forces with the humans! And together we shall defeat the Great Beast. Now go!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Joey''': That Leviathan's a goner! It's 3 on 1 up there!
:'''Kaiba''': I see you can count! Unfortunately, numbers aren't everything!
:'''Yugi''': You can do this, Pharaoh!

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dartz:''' My Leviathan is fueled by the darkness of my prisoners!!
:'''The Pharaoh:''' Wrong, Dartz!! I was able to transform the darkness in their hearts to light! A light which now fuels MY beasts!!
:'''Dartz''': NO!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PHARAOH?!?!
:'''Kaiba''': Hey, look! I guess the Gods did pull through!
:'''Joey''': Told ya! That means everyone Dartz captured is free!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Rafael''': I'm back.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': Look! It’s the portal that led us here!
:'''Joey''': Alright! Home sweet home here we come!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

===''Part 2'' [E.40]===
:'''Dartz''': Great Leviathan, vanquish the Pharaoh's spirit for all eternity!
:'''Yugi''': Get out while you can!
:'''Pharaoh''': You must trust me!
:''[]''
:'''Dartz''': NO! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
:''[]''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[Back at Monument Valley, Duke Devlin, Rebecca and Professor Arthur Hawkins saw dark clouds are lifting out to the skylight.]''
:'''Arthur Hawkins''': The Darkness is Lifting.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Yugi''': You did it. ''[]'' Hey, are you all right?
:'''Pharaoh''': I'm fine, Yugi, The Great Leviathan is gone.
:'''Yugi''': Yeah. Thanks, pal. It's over now. ''[spots at Dartz]'' But what about Dartz?
:''[]''
:'''Pharaoh''': Yugi, Look it's Ironheart, and Chris.
:'''Dartz''': Father, Chris, It's you.
:'''Chris''': Dad, you're back!
:'''Ironheart''': My son, At long last. And you have the great pharaoh to thank. He drove out the evil force that controlled you. 
:'''Dartz''': Oh.
:'''Pharaoh''': I knew it. Deep down you're a noble ruler, Dartz.
:'''Chris''': And a great father! I've missed you so much, Dad.
:'''Ironheart''': Your work here is now complete. You may go in place. Great things await you. So return now to your world by stepping through that portal.
:'''Yugi''': But what about you? Are you guys gonna be OK?
:'''Ironheart''': Yes, For the first time in centuries.
:'''Pharaoh''': Alright, Yugi let's go back home.
:''[Pharaoh and Yugi walked toward the portal and looks at Chris, Dartz, Ironheart and Skye and they walked off enter the portal and disappears Chris looks at her father.]''
:'''Chris''': Hey, Dad. We should go too. After all this time, We have a lot of catching up to do.
:''[Dartz smiled agreed with his daughter now the Atlantis is going down to the ocean and splashed towards Dartz's lair.]''
:'''Seto Kaiba''': Mokuba! Start the engines!
:'''Mokuba Kaiba''': Seto!
:'''Seto''': We have to get out of here.
:'''Téa Gardner''': Without Yugi? No way.
:'''Joey Wheeler:''' Eh?
:'''Téa''': Don't you know where he is?
:'''Joey:''' Don't tell me.
:'''Téa''': You mean he's still in there!?
:'''Mokuba''': Time's running out!
:'''Seto''': Mokuba's right. We can't wait.
:'''Joey:''' Yugi!
:'''Tristan Taylor:''' Are you nuts man!
:'''Joey:''' Get your hands off of me Tristan! I’m not leaving here without Yugi!
:'''Tristan:''' Joey!, we have to trust that he found the way out on his own!
:'''Joey:''' YUGI!!!
:''[the gang hops in the KaibaCorp helicopter and takes off as Dartz's lair is washed down. Inside the helicopter Téa, Rafael, Tristan, Joey, Kaiba and Mokuba.]''
:'''Seto''': Good riddance.
:'''Mokuba''': I just hope Yugi wasn't in there.
:'''Téa''': Me, too.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:''[At the Hospital Rex and Weevil wakes up was that a dream.]''
:'''Weevil Underwood:''' Where am i? Mommy?
:'''Rex Raptor:''' Hey! Who's said that!?
:'''Weevil/Rex:''' Huh! Oh!
:'''Rex:''' What are you doing in my bedroom, Weevil!?
:'''Weevil:''' Your bedroom!? You're in a hospital, You dimwit!
:'''Rex:''' What happened!?
:'''Weevil:''' I know who fault this is.
:'''Rex:''' ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On the Wrong Track|Joey's]].''
:'''Weevil:''' ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#On the Wrong Track|Yugi's]].''
:'''Both:''' YOU'RE PAY FOR THIS! YOU HEAR ME!?

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Alister''': Mikey, I know you're out there somewhere, And I'm not gonna stop looking until i find you.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Valon''': ''[wakes up]'' I’m home. (Where am I?) ''[thinking]'' Was that all a dream? ''[flashback to [[Yu-Gi-Oh! (season 4)#Fighting for a Friend|Joey and Valon's last duel]]. Flashback ends he gets up the bed and the card fell off he spotted the Harpie Lady card and holds it walked outside the beach house and smiling looked at the sky]'' I'll never forget you. Thanks Mai.

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Mai Valentine''': ''I'm glad that mess is over. Now to pick up the pieces.'' ''[In Mai's flashbacks, it shows the beginning of how she entered the Doma organization, when she met [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#An_Unexpected_Enemy|Yugi's friends and running towards Joey]] [[Yu-Gi-Oh!_(season_4)#Fighting_for_a_Friend|before he became unconscious]].]'' ''Sorry Joey. But i can't face you yet. So i'm gonna hit the road until i'm ready to own up to everything i've done. But i'll be back.''

&lt;hr width=80%&gt;
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' ''[voice-over]'' Yugi, Wake up.
:'''Yugi''': ''[wakes up and surprised on the beach and sees the sunset on the ocean.]'' Any idea where we are?
:'''Pharaoh''': It seems we've washed up on shore. But i wonder how. Someone must have guided us here. Hmm.
:'''Yugi''': Hey, look! ''[sees Dark Magician Girl along with Timaeus, Hermos and Critias appears]'' It's Dark Magician Girl!
:'''Pharaoh''': And she's brought with her the three legendary knights.
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' We four are forever in your debt. Not only have you rescued your own world, But you've saved the creatures of our world as well. Thanks to your fearlessness. The dominion of the beasts can once again flourish just as it did so many years ago. And by breaking the evil spell that imprisoned the legendary knights. They can continue to protect our land. 
:'''Yugi''': I'm just glad we could help.
:'''Legendary Knight Timaeus''': Thank you both. You fought bravely. Farewell.
:'''Legendary Knight Critias''': You two well never be forgotten.
:'''Legendary Knight Hermos''': For as long as we reign.
:'''Pharaoh''': Well, We couldn't have done it without you. In the face of ultimate darkness, Your couragfousness sparked a light so incredibly strong it will burn for all eternity.
:'''Legendary Knight Timaeus''': Thank you, Pharaoh. We shall meet again.
:''[The legendary knights flying off together.]''
:'''Dark Magician Girl:''' The time may come that we need each other again. If so, You know where i'll be. Right there in your deck.
:''[she flying off with the legendary knights together]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Téa''': Look, those weird lights are back.
:'''Joey''': Well, that explains why? It's Dark Magician Girl and the three legendary knights.
:'''Téa''': I guess they’re going home. Now that their world is safe again.
:'''Yugi''': ''[sees &quot;The Eye of Timaeus&quot; card disappears]'' Well, Pharaoh there goes our Timaeus.
:'''Pharaoh''': Yes Yugi, There goes Timaeus.
:'''Joey''': ''[sees &quot;The Claw of Hermos&quot; card disappears]'' Well, there goes Hermos.
:'''Kaiba''': ''[sees &quot;The Fang of Critias&quot; card disappears]'' Oh well... No big deal. My deck's still unstoppable.
:'''Téa''': I hope Yugi's all right. ''[spots Yugi on the island]'' Look!
:'''Mokuba''': Huh?
:'''Joey''': Eh?
:'''Tristan''': Huh? Hey! It's Yugi!
:'''Yugi''': Pharaoh! Over there! They made it out!
:'''Pharaoh''': You're right.
:''[KaibaCorp helicopter lands on the beach and the door open]''
:'''Joey''': Yugi!
:'''Tea''': I knew we find you.
:'''Tristan''': Hey man!
:'''Joey''': ''[giggling]'' I'll never let this spikey head of yours is outta my sight.
:'''Tea''': Is it really all over?
:'''Yugi''': Yep, we're safe now.
:'''Mokuba''': ''[next to Seto Kaiba behind Rafael]'' Hey, Yugi!
:'''Joey''': Let's hit the high road folks, I'm sure there's someone else trying to taking over the world back home.
:'''Tristan''': You know the scary thing is he's probably right.
:''[The gang hops the KaibaCorp helicopter when Yugi sees the Pharaoh watches the sunsets down the ocean.]''
:'''Tea''': ''[offscreen]'' Yugi, is something wrong?
:'''Yugi''': I'll be right there, Tea. ''[The Pharaoh and Yugi looked at each other as the sun going down the ocean.]'' ''[voice over]'' ''We may have stopped Dartz, but the Pharaoh's not done yet. Now he has to pick up where he left off before all this craziness started 'cause the biggest adventure of all is still ahead. And it won't be over till the pharaoh unlocks the secrets of his past. He needs to learn who he really is and why he was sent back here. Maybe then his spirit'll finally be able to rest. Well, no matter what happens, one thing's for sure... whatever he finds out there... and whatever he needs to face... he won't have to do it alone.''

== Characters ==
=== Main ===
* [[w:Yugi Muto|Yugi Muto]] / [[w:Yami Yugi|Yami Yugi (or The Pharaoh)]] - voiced by [[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]]
* Joey Wheeler - voiced by [[w:Wayne Grayson|Wayne Grayson]]
* Seto Kaiba - voiced by [[Eric Stuart]]
* Téa Gardner - voiced by [[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]]
* Tristan Taylor - voiced by [[w:Greg Abbey|John Campbell]]
* Mokuba Kaiba - voiced by [[w:Tara Sands|Tara Jayne]]

=== Recurring ===
* Dartz - voiced by Wayne Grayson
* Valon - voiced by [[w:Marc Thompson (voice actor)|Marc Thompson]]
* Alister - voiced by [[w:Ted Lewis (voice actor)|Ted Lewis]]
* Rafael - voiced by Marc Thompson
* Rex Raptor - voiced by [[Anthony Salerno]]
* Weevil Underwood - voiced by [[w:Jimmy Zoppi|Jimmy Zoppi]]

=== Supporting ===
* Arthur Hawkins - voiced by [[w:Mike Pollock (voice actor)|Mike Pollock]]
* Rebecca Hawkins - voiced by Kerry Williams
* Duke Devlin - voiced by Marc Thompson
* Maximillion Pegasus - voiced by [[Darren Dunstan]]
* Solomon Muto - voiced by [[Maddie Blaustein]]
* Mai Valentine - voiced by [[Bella Hudson]]
* Ironheart - voiced by Brian Maillard
* Chris - voiced by [[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]]
* Dark Magician Girl - voiced by Bella Hudson
* Timaeus - voiced by Dan Green
* Critias - voiced by Eric Stuart
* Hermos - voiced by Wayne Grayson

=== Minor ===
* Iona - voiced by Bella Hudson
* Gurimo - voiced by Mike Pollock
* Pharaoh Atem - voiced by Dan Green
* Yami Marilk - voiced by Brian Zimmerman
* Mikey
* Sonia
* Julian
* Paradox Brothers
* Arkana
* Bandit Keith
* PaniK
* Seeker
* Yami Bakura
* Gozaburo Kaiba

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (season 4)}}

[[Category:Yu-Gi-Oh! seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>8epe9c0p0h2x5rahy5x4xjm05uc0kmq</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Fabio Betancur Tirado</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
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      <text bytes="1467" sha1="736bcsfyfvd72royzj6zmj8b218fn99" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Fabio Betancur Tirado|Fabio Betancur Tirado]]''' (30 October 1938 – 20 November 2011) was a Colombian prelate of the Catholic Church who served as an auxillary bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Medellín|Archdiocese of Medellín]], the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of La Dorada–Guaduas|Diocese of La Dorada–Guaduas]], and as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Manizales|Archdiocese of Manizales]].

== Quotes ==

* Communion is manifested in solidarity, the living expression of the love of God and of one's neighbor, which must be expressed in service to everyone, in every situation and everywhere, organizing (political), producing, managing and exchanging goods (economic) and the creation of authentic values (culture). Active evangelization in this spirit produces the fruits of holiness, a vocation to which we are all called by the merciful love of God.
** [https://www.vatican.va/content/dam/wss/news_services/press/sinodo/documents/bollettino_17_speciale-america-1997/02_inglese/b13_02.html#H.%20Exc.%20Most%20Rev.%20Fabio%20BETANCUR%20TIRADO,%20Archbishop%20of%20Manizales. H. Exc. Most Rev. Fabio BETANCUR TIRADO , Archbishop of Manizales. (22 November 1997) ''Press Office of the Holy See'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Betancur Tirado, Fabio}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]]
[[Category:2011 deaths]]
[[Category:Catholics from Colombia]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Uche Pedro</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607238</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
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      <text bytes="1509" sha1="rkcnila3noyfsrkl9m5ccgmrcryvuew" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Uche Pedro|Uche Pedro]]''' (born 26 July 1984) is a Nigerian entrepreneur. She is the founder and CEO of BellaNaija, a media tech brand known for entertainment and lifestyle content. Under her leadership, BellaNaija's social footprint has grown through its collective brands - BellaNaija.com, BellaNaija Weddings and BellaNaija Style - to be the largest on the African continent with more than 200 million impressions each month.
== Quotes ==
*Cut out the noise, focus on doing the right thing, making an impact on opening doors for others to come.
**[https://flourishafrica.com/monday-motivation-uche-pedro-talks-overcoming-against-the-odds/ Uche Pedro's quote]
*Believe that spiritual aspect sets the tone of my day.
**[https://www.theafricareport.com/542/behind-the-scenes-uche-pedro/ Uche Pedro's quote]
*There are so many things beyond your control that can happen in a day, praying helps to keep your focus.
**[https://www.theafricareport.com/542/behind-the-scenes-uche-pedro/ Uche Pedro's quote]
*I’d like to think my superpower is patience.
**[https://www.theafricareport.com/542/behind-the-scenes-uche-pedro/ Uche Pedro's quote]
*Are you imposing your values on other cultures?
**[https://www.bellanaija.com/2018/02/watch-bellanaijas-founder-uche-pedros-chat-bill-gates-gatesletter2018/ Uche Pedro's quote]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:living people]]
[[Category:Women from Nigeria]]
[[Category:Chief executive officers]]
[[Category:Businesswomen]]
[[Category:1984 births]]</text>
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'''[[w:Akhtar Aly Kureshy|Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]''' (Urdu: اختر علی قریشی) is a Pakistani [[lawyer]], advisor and senior advocate of the [[w:Supreme Court of Pakistan|Supreme Court of Pakistan]] who served as Assistant [[w:Attorney-General for Pakistan|Attorney-General for Pakistan]]. He remained Assistant [[w:Advocate General Punjab|Advocate General Punjab]], and Legal Advisor to the [[w:Provincial Assembly of the Punjab|Provincial Assembly of the Punjab]].

He is a lifetime member of the [[w:Supreme Court Bar Association of Pakistan|Supreme Court Bar Association of Pakistan]]. He remain associated with the [[w:Civil Service Academy|Civil Service Academy]] as Syndicate Advisor to teach and train government officers of the [[w:Central Superior Services|Central Superior Services]] (CSS).

== Quotes ==
* The advancement of technology and society as a whole presents an opportunity to modernize and improve the justice system. By embracing innovative technologies, alternative dispute resolution methods, and community-based approaches, we can make the justice system more accessible, efficient, and fair for all. It’s essential to continually adapt and evolve our systems to meet the needs of a rapidly changing world.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/30/seeking-innovative-justice-for-survival/ Seeking Innovative Justice....Pakistan Today.]


* A complete and successful life is often rooted in principles of justice. When individuals are treated fairly, have their rights respected, and can seek redress for grievances, they are more likely to thrive and contribute positively to society. Justice fosters a sense of security, trust, and social harmony, creating an environment where people can pursue their aspirations and fulfil their potential. Therefore, incorporating justice into the fabric of life is essential for personal fulfilment and the well-being of communities.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/22/breaking-justice/] Pakistan Today, March 22, 2024.


* Doing justice refers to the act of carrying out fair and equitable actions, while having justice could imply possessing or experiencing the benefits or outcomes of justice. Both are important aspects of a just society. Justice being perceived as a rare commodity in Pakistan is a concern echoed by many. The effectiveness and fairness of the justice system can vary widely across different regions and communities. Efforts to strengthen institutions, improve transparency, and promote accountability are essential for fostering a more just society.
**[https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/15/do-justice-and-have-justice/ Do Justice &amp; Have Justice] Pakistan Today.


* Law reforms create the atmosphere of rule of law which implies that every citizen is subject to the law. It stands to convey that nobody is above the law and all citizens are equal before law. There is no secret that a powerful nation is recognized by its history, civilization and its judicial system and we being a Muslim nation have our own culture and civilization but due to British rule in the Subcontinent, our values got pushed to compromise everything, resultantly we fail to deliver what we desire and get involved in corruption, nepotism, social and moral evils.
** [https://goodwilllhcba.blogspot.com/2020/08/pakistan-today-reformation-of-judicial.html] Reformation Judicial system.


* The absence of a commitment to justice among politicians can be detrimental to the well-being of a country. Justice is fundamental for ensuring equality, fairness, and the protection of rights for all citizens. Politicians who prioritize personal gain over justice risk eroding trust in the government and perpetuating social inequality. It’s essential for political leaders to embrace the principles of justice and uphold them in their governance to truly serve the interests of the people.
**[https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/15/do-justice-and-have-justice/ Do Justice &amp; Have Justice] Pakistan Today.

[[File:Black Coat meeting.jpg|thumb|Chief Justice Lahore High Court Ijaz Ahmad Chaudhry meeting Faculty members [[Akhtar Aly Kureshy]] Advocate, Atir Rizvi Principal and students of Superior College of Law]]

* The idea of justice played a significant role in the creation of Pakistan in 1947. The movement for an independent Pakistan, led by the Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah and the All-India Muslim League, sought a separate nation where Muslims could live according to their religious and cultural values. The demand for a separate state was driven by a desire for justice, both political and social, for the Muslim-majority population in the Indian Subcontinent. The creation of Pakistan was intended to establish a society where Muslims could enjoy their rights and live in accordance with their beliefs.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/15/pakistan-without-justice/ Pakistan without Justice] Pakistan Today 15th Mar, 2024


* Efforts should be made to improve the judicial system and should focus  not only on increasing numbers but also on enhancing the system’s overall efficiency, leveraging technology and implementing reforms to address the specific needs and challenges of the legal landscape. The goal is to ensure that the judicial system effectively serves the growing interest of the justice to eliminate the fear of injustice and provide a fair opportunity to flourish every citizen of Pakistan.

** [https://pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/01/lhc-lacking-judges-and-seeking-indulgence-of-cjp/] Pakistan Today March 01, 2024.


* A weak justice system can by default contribute to an increase in corruption that is destroying the society. A robust and efficient judicial system acts as a deterrent to corruption by holding individuals accountable for their actions. When the justice system is perceived as ineffective or slow, it may create an environment where corrupt practices flourish. Wrongdoers might believe that they can act with impunity and be encouraged in their evil ways. Strengthening the justice system through reforms, transparency and timely resolution of cases is crucial for combating the core issue of corruption and promoting a fair and just society.
[https://www.thenews.com.pk/tns/detail/1158610-administering-justice] Administering Justice The News (February 18, 2024)


[[File:Malala Yousafzai Role Models 2.jpg|thumb|These great personalities have a wonderful impact , [[Martin Luther King]], The great [[Nelson Mandela]] and Qauid-e-Azam [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah|Mohammed Ali Jinnah]].]] 


* There is absolutely no god except Allaha Almighty (Subhana Taallah who is very Kind and merciful towards all creatures of this World including We the human beings).


* It is an open secret that without strict accountability you can’t prosper as a nation. A nation can’t survive until its judicial system is empowered to deliver justice instantly and inexpensively. 
** [https://www.thenews.com.pk/print/696015-era-of-justice &quot;Era of justice&quot;], The News (August 5, 2020)


* It is the prime responsibility of the state to legislate according to the wishes and needs of the citizen through Parliament, then execute the law and policies by the Executive, Cabinet, bureaucrats and lastly deliver justice through a powerful judicial system of Courts, so that the citizens may lead peaceful, purposeful and prosperous lives in a corruption-free society.
**[https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2021/01/01/missing-justice/ &quot;Missing Justice&quot;] Pakistan Today (January 1,2021)


* Without justice, a civilized society is just a dream. 
** [https://www.thenews.com.pk/print/696015-era-of-justice &quot;Era of justice&quot;], The News (August 5, 2020)


* This is not an open invitation to mobilize wisdom, it is merely a simple matter, a university student can tell how to clean up the dirt with iron hand in one go for all to make a smooth and lovely Riasat-e-Madina to rule and make the life of a common man easy with full comforts and also save him from a chronic headache.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2021/01/16/cold-justice/ Cold Justice] Pakistan Today (January 16, 2021)


* Supreme Court of Pakistan has inherent constitutional powers by virtue of their judicature, these powers can not be manipulated with ill-gotten intentions. 
** [https://dailytimes.com.pk/1091205/institutions-clash/ &quot;Institutions Clash&quot;], Daily Times (May 8, 2023)


* It is a settled principle and there is no need of further arguments that without justice you can’t be a powerful and proper nation, although you have a decorated toy of an atom bomb to pressure the world or your enemy, and you will not be in a position to curtail your poverty and backwardness even though every person has an amazing gadget to move the World in his hands.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2021/01/01/missing-justice/ &quot;Missing Justice&quot; ] Pakistan Today (January 1,2021)


* A  decent man  on his  way to  argue  a case  before  the Lahore High Court Lahore, passing  over  the  famous  Turner  road,  as usual many  had seen  him  and wondered  who  is this  sober  man with  distinctive  features  &quot; that  was  Ijaz Hussain Batalvi&quot;  who was always   busy  pursuing  his passion  for  professional  excellence.  A good  human  being, distinguished   barrister, true  writer,    passionate  law professor and  an intellectual.
** [http://ijazbatalvi.com/memories/epitaphs_html/Akthar_Ali_Kureshi.html  A  Tribute to Ijaz  Hussain Batalvi 1923-2004  by Akhtar Aly Kureshy]


* There is an urgent need of judicial reforms in Pakistan. Almost every politician has issued a statement over this issue, but no practical step has been taken in this regards. Comprehensive reforms can strengthen the rule of law, instill public confidence and contribute significantly to the overall development and stability of the country’s legal framework. 
** [https://www.thenews.com.pk/tns/detail/1158610-administering-justice] Administering Justice( 18the February, 2024 )


*  &quot;Don't be stuck off on the same routine, always follow diversity.&quot; 
** [https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Future/Quotes] Akhtar Aly Kureshy quote on Wikibooks


* Global ranking for judicial systems also makes a joke of our judicial system which makes us all Pakistani embrace and particularly the lawyers and judges, it motivate us to rethink our judicial system for more drastic improvement and addition of IT system to accelerate its performance and delivery.

** [http://pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/01/lhc-lacking-judges-and-seeking-indulgence-of-cjp/ LHC Lacking Judges &amp; Seeking indulgence of CJP] Pakistan Today March 01, 2024.


* Good justice typically involves fairness, impartiality, and adherence to principles of equity. It aims to ensure that individuals are treated justly, their rights are protected, and the legal process is transparent and accountable.


*  A robust judicial system is fundamental for the proper functioning and prosperity of a state. It provides the framework for resolving disputes, upholding the rule of law, and ensuring justice for all citizens. A well-functioning judiciary contributes to stability, attracts investments, and fosters an environment where individuals and businesses can thrive with confidence in the legal system
**[https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/15/pakistan-without-justice/ Pakistan without Justice] Pakistan Today.


* Kill fake justice as Justice must be genuine, fair, and impartial to uphold the rule of law and protect the rights of individuals. Any form of fake justice undermines the trust and legitimacy of the legal system, leading to further injustice and social unrest. It’s imperative for societies to strive for real justice through transparent and accountable legal processes.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/03/22/breaking-justice/] Breaking Justice Pakistan Today, March 22, 2024.


* Ghost justice can distort the legal system by undermining principles of fairness, transparency, and accountability. When justice is administered through secretive or informal means, it can lead to arbitrary decisions, violations of human rights, and erosion of public trust in the legal system. Additionally, it can perpetuate corruption and abuse of power, ultimately weakening the rule of law. Since the first constitutional case of Pakistan, Moulvi Tameezuddin’s case, it was the then Chief Justice of Pakistan, Mr Justice Muhammad Munir, who managed to create the mountains of ghost justice in Pakistan which still continue to frustrate our judicial system.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/06/ghost-justice/ Ghost Justice] Pakistan Today, April 6th, 2024.


* Justice is crucial for the well-being and stability of any society. It ensures fairness, equality, and the protection of rights for all individuals. Without justice, there can be widespread dissatisfaction, conflict, and erosion of trust in institutions. Therefore, striving for justice is essential for the functioning and progress of society.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/15/do-justice-and-have-justice/ Do Justice &amp; Have Justice]


* There is no other way except to introduce an Innovative justice system which refers to the exploration and implementation of novel approaches to the administration of justice. This can include alternative dispute resolution methods, technological advancements in legal processes, restorative justice practices, and community-based initiatives aimed at reducing crime and promoting rehabilitation. It's about finding creative solutions to address the complexities and shortcomings of traditional justice systems. Innovative justice indeed holds significant promise for addressing the evolving needs of society. By embracing new ideas and approaches, we can create more effective, fair, and efficient systems that better serve individuals and communities.


* Implementing an innovative justice system could indeed help address some of the inefficiencies and shortcomings of the current legal system. By leveraging technology, alternative dispute resolution methods, and community-based approaches, we can potentially streamline processes, reduce backlog, enhance access to justice, and promote fairness and effectiveness in resolving disputes and administering justice.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/04/30/seeking-innovative-justice-for-survival/ Seeking Innovative Justice....Pakistan Today.]

* Any weakness in a judicial system can lead to a deterioration of the society. The administration of justice is a fundamental pillar that upholds fairness, equality and rule of law. Without it, the society risks social unrest, severe inequality and a breakdown of trust in state institutions. Injustice can breed resentment, erode social cohesion and create an environment where conflicts escalate. Thus the presence of a just legal system is crucial for the stability, prosperity and well-being of a society.
** [https://www.thenews.com.pk/tns/detail/1158610-administering-justice Administering Justice (18the February,2024)]

== Quotes about Kureshy==
* Akhtar Aly Kureshy, a senior lawyer and columnist, is of the opinion that the PDM’s coalition government headed by Prime Minster Shahbaz Sharif needs careful consideration with respect to legislating and amending with the supreme court’s inherent powers. Kureshy further adds, ” Supreme Court has inherent constitutional powers by virtue of their judicature, these powers can not be manipulated with ill-gotten intentions.” Being partially agreed with the above statement, but woefully added here that, the supreme court has many a times stepped out of its constitutional limits. 
** [https://dailytimes.com.pk/1091205/institutions-clash/ Institutions Clash] Daily Times.

== Attributed ==

* &quot; '''Kureshy is known as a staunch follower of justice through his writings and arguments''' &quot;  Justice is essential for fostering fairness, protecting rights, maintaining social order, and ensuring the equitable distribution of resources and opportunities. Its pursuit is fundamental to the well-being and progress of individuals and societies.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” once said the Rev Martin Luther Jr. If we  apply it in Pakistan by emphasizing the interconnection of justice and human rights, when injustice occurs in any part of Pakistan, it undermines the overall integrity and fairness of the nation’s legal and social systems.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/06/06/survival-hidden-in-justice/] Survival Hidden in Justice, Pakistan Today.


* '''Kureshy keeps on talking on''' Justice must be seen not just as an ideal, but as a practical necessity for the country’s progress. This realization can drive meaningful reforms and foster a more just and prosperous society. Justice system emphasizes the political stability of Pakistan to achieve its goal of prosperity. Judicial Independence is inevitable, and the independence of the judiciary is crucial for upholding the rule of law and ensuring that justice is administered without fear or favor. In Pakistan, there have been numerous instances where the judiciary has come under pressure from various quarters.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/07/23/justice-is-our-last-hope/]Juistice is our last hope.


* When there’s a fair and effective system of justice in place, it can contribute to the prosperity of citizens by ensuring that individuals and businesses can operate within a framework of laws and regulations that protect their rights and promote fairness. However, corruption undermines this system by distorting the rule of law, eroding trust in institutions, and creating unequal opportunities. 
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/09/03/vicious-corruption-paralyses-justice-in-pakistan/] Vicious corruption paralyses justice.

== Misattributed ==
* The present depressive landscape of our judicial system is generating a chance to reform it to a real and effective  system of justice. If we miss this opportunity then in the next 20 years we have no other option except to follow the Justice Munir legacy although we are a Muslim State having atomic capability. For what?…for nothing as we are a poor country without having any stable political democratic system nor do we have any impressive judicial system
Back in 2007, the lawyers fraternity fought a big war of independence of judiciary and was very happy to say everywhere  that our judiciary was independent, although it was shamefully on the tail of international indexes, and was never discussed at any forum, neither in Parliament nor  in the Supreme Court. Now again the lawyers fraternity is on the roads, protesting and showing their poverty and helplessness.
** [https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/09/22/justice-is-in-the-doldrums/] Justice is in doldrums.
{{Misattributed end}}

== Agree with Martin Luther King Jr.==
* Kureshy who uses to speak and frequently write to promote the cause of justice and instant delivery of justice, found agree to Martin Luther King Jr. that “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” once said the Rev Martin Luther Jr.If we  apply it in Pakistan by emphasizing the interconnection of justice and human rights, when injustice occurs in any part of Pakistan, it undermines the overall integrity and fairness of the nation’s legal and social systems.
[[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|[[Injustice]] anywhere is a threat to [[justice]] everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of [[destiny]]. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.]]  
**[https://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2024/06/06/survival-hidden-in-justice/] Pakistan Today June 6th, 2024

==See also==
* [[Future]]
* [[Ijaz Hussain Batalvi]]
* [[Lawyer]]
* [[Economy of Pakistan]]
* [[Pakistan]]
* [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]] 
* [[Imran Khan]] 
* [[Lahore]] 
* [[Justice]]
* [[Benazir Bhutto]]
* [[Shahid Afridi]]
* [[Law]]
* [[Rule of Law]]
* [[Courts]]
* [[Social Justice]]
* [[International Court of Justice ]]
* [[International law]]
* [[Administration of justice]]
* [[Legislature]]
* [[Democracy]]
* [[Constitution]]
* [[Human Rights]]
* [[Politics]]
* [[government]]
* [[Human rights in Pakistan]]
* [[Diplomacy]]
* [[United Nations]]
* [[Cooperation]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category|Akhtar Aly Kureshy}}
{{wikibooks|Islam In The World/Akhtar Aly Kureshy}}


*''' Website [https://akhtaradv.wordpress.com/ Akhtar Aly Kureshy Advocate, Law Office]'''


{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kureshy, Akhtar Ali}}
[[Category:1963 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Muslims from Pakistan]]
[[Category:People from Lahore]]
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[[File:Mariam Iddrisu (sq cropped).png|thumb|Mariam Iddrisu]]

'''Mariam Iddrisu''' is the Mayor (Municipal Chief Executive) of Sagnarigu Municipality in Ghana's Northern Region.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* when women were well attended to, it would help them move to higher heights and increase their participation in elections.
* We owe it a responsibility as MMDCEs to encourage women to participate, especially those elected assembly women and to help government appointees to move to become elected assembly members .
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-sagnarigu-mce.html
* Current the construction of seven institutional latrines with mechanized boreholes are ongoing at Fuo, Gbanymni, Wovogu, Tuunayili, Sagnarigu, Parig village (Old airport) and kogni.
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/965022/sagnarigu-assembly-partners-jospong-group-for-inte.html
* The broken and faulty streetlights in Gurugu, kanvili, Gumani junction, Kamina Barracks, Wovogu and Wovoguma of the municipality have all been restored to provide security for residents in the area .
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Darkness-in-communities-to-be-a-thing-of-the-past-Sagnarigu-MCE-593455
* The NDC are bent on sabotaging the 1V1D project but I assure that it will never work because the beneficiary communities appreciate the project.
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/943846/mce-mp-clash-over-1v1d-project.html
* My driver picks my mother-in-law up in the morning while I goes to work and sends her home when I returns home from work in the evening.
** [https://www.sanatuzambang.info/2019/12/13/my-encounter-with-honourable-mariam-iddrisu-mce-for-sagnarigu/]
* I could have convinced my husband for us to live on our own but I did not want to start my married life with a broken relationship with the in-laws.
** [https://www.sanatuzambang.info/2019/12/13/my-encounter-with-honourable-mariam-iddrisu-mce-for-sagnarigu/]
* Now we are not going to go the rowdy or demeaning way to achieve our goal but we are going to ‘boss’ you to empower the woman and give women their rights.
** [https://www.sanatuzambang.info/2019/12/13/my-encounter-with-honourable-mariam-iddrisu-mce-for-sagnarigu/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:Mariam Iddrisu (sq cropped).png|thumb|Mariam Iddrisu]]

'''Mariam Iddrisu''' is the Mayor (Municipal Chief Executive) of Sagnarigu Municipality in Ghana's Northern Region.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* when women were well attended to, it would help them move to higher heights and increase their participation in elections.
* We owe it a responsibility as MMDCEs to encourage women to participate, especially those elected assembly women and to help government appointees to move to become elected assembly members .
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-sagnarigu-mce.html
* Current the construction of seven institutional latrines with mechanized boreholes are ongoing at Fuo, Gbanymni, Wovogu, Tuunayili, Sagnarigu, Parig village (Old airport) and kogni.
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/965022/sagnarigu-assembly-partners-jospong-group-for-inte.html
* The broken and faulty streetlights in Gurugu, kanvili, Gumani junction, Kamina Barracks, Wovogu and Wovoguma of the municipality have all been restored to provide security for residents in the area .
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Darkness-in-communities-to-be-a-thing-of-the-past-Sagnarigu-MCE-593455
* The NDC are bent on sabotaging the 1V1D project but I assure that it will never work because the beneficiary communities appreciate the project.
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/943846/mce-mp-clash-over-1v1d-project.html
* Now we are not going to go the rowdy or demeaning way to achieve our goal but we are going to ‘boss’ you to empower the woman and give women their rights.
** [https://www.sanatuzambang.info/2019/12/13/my-encounter-with-honourable-mariam-iddrisu-mce-for-sagnarigu/]
* When women were well attended to, it would help them move to higher heights and increase their participation in elections. We owe it a responsibility as MMDCEs to encourage women to participate, especially those elected assembly women and to help government appointees to move to become elected assembly members.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE/]
* NALAG was also working towards a bigger forum to equip regional representatives to help MMDCEs to encourage women to contest in the elections.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE/]
* The women’s caucus of the MMDCEs was working to push for the passage of the affirmative action bill and noted that women were the majority and needed to be properly represented in decision making.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE/]
* Women should exhibit boldness and make their intentions known to attract and get support to win election.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE]
* My colleague female MMDCEs should begin to scout for young girls from schools to groom them and build their capacities to grow up to leadership positions.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE]
* Financial constraints were deterring women from participating in local governance and, therefore, the assemblies needed to support them adequately to prepare and contest in the elections.
** [https://www.businessghana.com/site/news/Politics/196060/Resource-women-to-participate-in-assembly-elections-Sagnarigu-MCE/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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'''Gifty Klenam''' is a [[Ghana|Ghanaian]] politician and was the member of parliament for Lower West Akim in the Eastern Region of Ghana in the 5th parliament of the 4th republic of Ghana.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* I refer to the section of the conditions of service, that stipulate accommodation for the CEO, Dep CEO, and directors, namely, accommodation provided for the CEO shall be soft furnishing, for GM shall be hard furnishing and directors shall not be furnished.
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/GEPA-Saga-Klenam-blows-GHC93k-on-clothing-allowances-132k-for-rent-660174
* The president appointed me and I give him the highest respect. I haven’t received any letter from the president. Thursday, the chief of staff called me and we went to have a conversation as a mother and daughter; that’s it. I’m still in office, I haven’t received any letter and I’ve been in office working as normal, so, I don’t know where that news came from but so long as I’m concerned, nobody has given me any letter to that effect.
* I'm still boss at GEPA, I've not been dismissed 
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/i-m-still-boss-at-gepa-i-ve-not-been-dismissed-gifty-klenam.html
* We must start from the basis of what we know how to do best. We are a predominately agricultural economy and developing that industry is our goal.
** https://marcopolis.net/gepa-facilitation-development-and-promotion-of-ghanaian-exports-by-gifty-klenan.htm
* We are putting so many things in place such as the ten year development plan for cashew that the President recently launched. We are looking at cashew alone giving us about forty percent of the overall target and for that matter, we are putting in so much effort into cashew production in terms of the seedlings development which is very crucial. Because if you are producing a product and you get it wrong from the seedling, the yield will be affected.
* Already, the yields that we were expecting to get from the existing plants we are not getting that is how come we started with the spraying of cashew farms in 2017. In October this year too, we are going to spray the cashew farms so we are able to at least increase production by three times.
** https://citifmonline.com/2018/03/new-cashew-plan-boost-revenue-4bn-gepa/
* The strategy is to make sure that we sustain every product that we get the market to supply. We have various warehouses in most of the countries where we are going to export our produce. You can come to Ghana and the government as the center to source Ghanaian products. We are developing both the products and the marketing simultaneously.
** [https://www.gepaghana.org/gepa-ceo-outlines-export-strategy-targets-priorities-mandate-outfit/]
* The mandate of GEPA is to develop products and then promote those products in terms of market search, mainly for export purposes. GEPA is the institution mandated to implement the export strategy of the government. As our president has said, Ghana must move beyond aid. We still need foreign currency inflows into the country, but it must come in a different form, which we will earn through exports. We cannot export without product.
** [https://www.gepaghana.org/gepa-ceo-outlines-export-strategy-targets-priorities-mandate-outfit/]
* The vision clearly defines that product development is our next major step. Since we took over, we have identified that it is not that the market for our products is not there, the issue is the sustainability of the product after it has entered the international market. Currently, we are concentrating on products that have a high value, in terms of adding value to it. We are trying to develop those products that we are exporting raw to end at a high value. Such products include avocado, cashew, coconut, pineapple, and other horticulture products.
** [https://www.gepaghana.org/gepa-ceo-outlines-export-strategy-targets-priorities-mandate-outfit/]
* As a CEO of GEPA, I work with targets. I set targets for myself and I work hard to achieve them or get closer to achieving them. We have set the target, and working our heart out to make sure we get to where we have promised the people. This year, we want to develop avocado. The product that we want to develop will take four or five years to mature, so we must start now. We cannot wait. The inflows that come in are not increasing. We are exploring funding, local and foreign investment.
** [https://www.gepaghana.org/gepa-ceo-outlines-export-strategy-targets-priorities-mandate-outfit/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON.jpg|thumb|MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON]]
'''Mavis Hawa Koomson''' (born 3 February 1966) is a Ghanaian politician and educationist. She is the Member of Parliament for Awutu Senya East Constituency and doubles as the Minister of Special Development Initiatives.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* those reports are false and untrue, and it is a deliberate attempt by her opponents to hurt her integrity to score political points.
** https://www.pulse.com.gh/news/politics/npp-mp-hawa-koomson-denies-assaulting-a-journalist/fdd70cp
* We categorically reject the claim that individuals associated with our team were responsible for this regrettable act. Mavis Hawa Koomson has consistently advocated for a peaceful and constructive political environment, and our team does not endorse or engage in any form of violence. We call on the Ghana Journalists Network and all stakeholders to allow the investigative process to unfold and refrain from premature judgments. Our thoughts remain with Mr. Kwabena, and we hope for his way to recovery.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2024/01/hawa-koomson-rejects-claims-of-orchestrating-attack-on-cape-fm-journalist/
* I am putting up a police regional headquarters for the Central East Police Regional Command in my constituency to enhance security.
* I’m also providing boreholes to provide potable water to areas without pipe borne water until they are finally connected.
** https://www.ghanabusinessnews.com/2024/01/06/we-have-done-a-lot-and-we-still-have-a-lot-to-do-hawa-koomson/
* the “eight-year cycle” and asserts herself as the best candidate to represent the NPP in the constituency.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2023/12/kwaku-boateng-aims-to-unseat-hawa-koomson-in-awutu-senya-east-constituency/

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON.jpg|thumb|MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON]]
'''Mavis Hawa Koomson''' (born 3 February 1966) is a Ghanaian politician and educationist. She is the Member of Parliament for Awutu Senya East Constituency and doubles as the Minister of Special Development Initiatives.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* those reports are false and untrue, and it is a deliberate attempt by her opponents to hurt her integrity to score political points.
** https://www.pulse.com.gh/news/politics/npp-mp-hawa-koomson-denies-assaulting-a-journalist/fdd70cp
* We categorically reject the claim that individuals associated with our team were responsible for this regrettable act. Mavis Hawa Koomson has consistently advocated for a peaceful and constructive political environment, and our team does not endorse or engage in any form of violence. We call on the Ghana Journalists Network and all stakeholders to allow the investigative process to unfold and refrain from premature judgments. Our thoughts remain with Mr. Kwabena, and we hope for his way to recovery.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2024/01/hawa-koomson-rejects-claims-of-orchestrating-attack-on-cape-fm-journalist/
* I am putting up a police regional headquarters for the Central East Police Regional Command in my constituency to enhance security.
* I’m also providing boreholes to provide potable water to areas without pipe borne water until they are finally connected.
** https://www.ghanabusinessnews.com/2024/01/06/we-have-done-a-lot-and-we-still-have-a-lot-to-do-hawa-koomson/
* the “eight-year cycle” and asserts herself as the best candidate to represent the NPP in the constituency.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2023/12/kwaku-boateng-aims-to-unseat-hawa-koomson-in-awutu-senya-east-constituency/
* When I first came into politics and got roles in government, I was immediately branded a prostitute. The accusations were too much and I became very worried, but along the line, I stopped worrying because I realised my fellow female politicians were also being attacked in the same way.
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]
* My detractors did not think it was possible for a female to rise to such high heights in society without trading her body for them. 
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]
* Many people are surprised to see me rise this far, they don’t understand why ‘that woman’ from Salaga or Bimbila should rise to this level.
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON.jpg|thumb|MAVIS HAWA KOOMSON]]
'''Mavis Hawa Koomson''' (born 3 February 1966) is a Ghanaian politician and educationist. She is the Member of Parliament for Awutu Senya East Constituency and doubles as the Minister of Special Development Initiatives.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* those reports are false and untrue, and it is a deliberate attempt by her opponents to hurt her integrity to score political points.
** https://www.pulse.com.gh/news/politics/npp-mp-hawa-koomson-denies-assaulting-a-journalist/fdd70cp
* We categorically reject the claim that individuals associated with our team were responsible for this regrettable act. Mavis Hawa Koomson has consistently advocated for a peaceful and constructive political environment, and our team does not endorse or engage in any form of violence. We call on the Ghana Journalists Network and all stakeholders to allow the investigative process to unfold and refrain from premature judgments. Our thoughts remain with Mr. Kwabena, and we hope for his way to recovery.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2024/01/hawa-koomson-rejects-claims-of-orchestrating-attack-on-cape-fm-journalist/
* I am putting up a police regional headquarters for the Central East Police Regional Command in my constituency to enhance security.
* I’m also providing boreholes to provide potable water to areas without pipe borne water until they are finally connected.
** https://www.ghanabusinessnews.com/2024/01/06/we-have-done-a-lot-and-we-still-have-a-lot-to-do-hawa-koomson/
* the “eight-year cycle” and asserts herself as the best candidate to represent the NPP in the constituency.
** https://citinewsroom.com/2023/12/kwaku-boateng-aims-to-unseat-hawa-koomson-in-awutu-senya-east-constituency/
* When I first came into politics and got roles in government, I was immediately branded a prostitute. The accusations were too much and I became very worried, but along the line, I stopped worrying because I realised my fellow female politicians were also being attacked in the same way.
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]
* My detractors did not think it was possible for a female to rise to such high heights in society without trading her body for them. 
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]
* Many people are surprised to see me rise this far, they don’t understand why ‘that woman’ from Salaga or Bimbila should rise to this level.
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]
* I was tagged a whore because of politics.
** [https://www.myjoyonline.com/i-was-tagged-a-whore-because-of-politics-minister-reveals-struggles-of-female-politicians/]

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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  <page>
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[[File:Agnes Naa Momo Lartey.jpg|thumb|Agnes Naa Momo Lartey]].
'''Agnes Naa Momo Lartey''' is a Ghanaian politician. She contested in the 2020 Ghanaian General Election and won the parliamentary seat for the Krowor Constituency.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Prior to coming into politics, I was actually supporting women to get into management positions. I am an advocate for women rights and I will make sure women get into positions they deserve in society. I still work with women along the coast and I get happy when I see them taking up positions in their various trading groups.
* I think so far, the people that have shown interest to contest, there is none that towers above me. When you look at my qualifications, experience and above all the favor of the Lord upon my life, I believe that I stand tallest. I have been working with the people and they know the heart I have for them; it is a heart of gold!
** https://www.pulse.com.gh/news/politics/the-battle-of-krowor-agnes-naa-momo-larteys-quest-to-reclaim-the-seat-for-the-ndc/e1n3jfy

* It is true that a lot of our youth are not finding the needed jobs and that is why our former President John Dramani Maha­ma has proposed that, he will introduce a 24-hour economy policy to open up the Ghanaian economy to employ a lot more of our youth. This policy is not for politics or political purpose so we must all support him to make it a reality.
* the time had come for more emphasise to be placed on skills development and not mere focusing on certificates.
* skill develop­ment was a major catalyst for employment creation and the youth must be supported to take opportunity of the vast potential in that area.
* As a Member of Parliament for Krowor Constituency, it is my desire to create jobs for almost all the youth because everyone is of importance for the constituency, but you and I know that it is not possible to do that at a go. So it is a gradual process. Just as the blessings of others come in the morning, some in the afternoon so shall the rest have theirs in the evening.
** https://www.ghanaiantimes.com.gh/24-hour-economy-policy-proposal-not-political-gimmick-krowor-mp/#google_vignette
* While I do not know whta the intention of the said persons are,I want to state and assure the peoplee of krowor that I, Agnes Naa Momo Lartey, remain a strong believer in, and will endorse the candidature of H.E John Dramani Mahama, to lead our party to the 2024 presidential and parliamentary elections.
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/1209779/i-support-mahama-to-lead-krowor-mp-denies-duffuo.html
* Members of the Majority caucus can go ahead to accept a pay cut since they enjoy the largesse.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]
* I do not believe any such savings from pay cuts would yield benefit for the country, as the government would not use funds prudently.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php]
* In this regard, no one dares to impose a decision like that on the Minority since the government has the penchant for profligacy.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]
* NDC MPs would not accept any pay cut until the government stops its ‘undue expenditure’ and accounts for funds it got in the name of COVID-19.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]
* If the government cares to know, we are using our meagre monthly delayed salaries to work in our various constituencies and see to the needs of our constituents.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]
* We cannot use our meagre salaries to support your profligate expenditures.
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]
* How does this government expect us to use our already-delayed salaries to support their lavish expenditures?
** [https://www.okayfmonline.com/pages/politics/202203/463281.php/]


== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:Her Excellency Alima Mahama (Hajia) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Her Excellency Alima Mahama (Hajia) (cropped)]]
'''Hajia Alima Mahama''' (born 17 November 1957, Walewale, North East Region) is Ghana's first female ambassador to the US. She is a lawyer and was from January 2005 to January 2009 Minister for the affairs of women and children in Ghana under President John Kufuor.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* We want to continue to build relationships, And doing it through the private sector is very important.
* It is in our interest to strengthen ties in every sector, and this meeting and several meetings over the next couple of days will help solidify that,” Chamber President and CEO Tim Murray said after the meeting. &quot;(The Ghanaian community) is a big part of the economy of the city and region, and it will only grow as the population grows.
** https://www.telegram.com/story/news/2022/07/16/ghanas-ambassador-us-hajia-alima-mahama-visits-worcester-chamber-commerce/10051347002/

* when re-elected, the NPP government would activate a process for consensus building towards the amendment of certain constitutional provisions to pave  way for MMDCEs to be elected on partisan basis.
* A Roadmap to guide the Referendum process for the election of MMDCEs was developed, and following Cabinet approval, stakeholder consultations and sensitisation were conducted across the country and the   processes for amendment of relevant provisions of the Constitution (Articles 55(3) and 243) commenced.
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/npp-will-elect-mmdces-on-partisan-basis-alima-mahama.html
* the recognition was a source of motivation especially because politicians were often criticised and rarely recognized and appreciated for their good work.
* The Gambaga SHS started with the single track, went to the double and has now reverted to the single track and that was because we pushed for more infrastructure development there.
* The Nursing Training in Nalerigu also started with the certificate programme, moved on to diploma and is now offering State Registered Nursing and Midwifery courses with over 4,000 students, which I am also proud to have been involved in its establishment.
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/general-news/gambaga-girls-shs-is-my-proudest-achievement-hajia-alima-mahama.html
* This will ensure the decentralisation of the registration machinery and make registration of vital events accessible to the populace with pronounced functionality at the community level ( Urban, zonal and town councils .
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/New-Births-and-Deaths-Registration-Act-will-improve-information-collation-Alima-Mahama-1043644
* Government has developed a Rural Development Policy which will serve as a guideline for coordinated service delivery and investment in rural communities. The Policy seeks to modernize agriculture for rural growth and development, provide quality socio-economic infrastructure and services in a decent and secured environment as well as maximise the potential of rural areas towards rural enterprises development and industrialization.
** [https://socialprotection.org/discover/news/hajia-alima-mahama-announces-ghanas-new-rural-development-policy/]
== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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[[File:Her Excellency Alima Mahama (Hajia) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Her Excellency Alima Mahama (Hajia) (cropped)]]
'''Hajia Alima Mahama''' (born 17 November 1957, Walewale, North East Region) is Ghana's first female ambassador to the US. She is a lawyer and was from January 2005 to January 2009 Minister for the affairs of women and children in Ghana under President John Kufuor.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* We want to continue to build relationships, And doing it through the private sector is very important.
* It is in our interest to strengthen ties in every sector, and this meeting and several meetings over the next couple of days will help solidify that,” Chamber President and CEO Tim Murray said after the meeting. &quot;(The Ghanaian community) is a big part of the economy of the city and region, and it will only grow as the population grows.
** https://www.telegram.com/story/news/2022/07/16/ghanas-ambassador-us-hajia-alima-mahama-visits-worcester-chamber-commerce/10051347002/

* when re-elected, the NPP government would activate a process for consensus building towards the amendment of certain constitutional provisions to pave  way for MMDCEs to be elected on partisan basis.
* A Roadmap to guide the Referendum process for the election of MMDCEs was developed, and following Cabinet approval, stakeholder consultations and sensitisation were conducted across the country and the   processes for amendment of relevant provisions of the Constitution (Articles 55(3) and 243) commenced.
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/npp-will-elect-mmdces-on-partisan-basis-alima-mahama.html
* the recognition was a source of motivation especially because politicians were often criticised and rarely recognized and appreciated for their good work.
* The Gambaga SHS started with the single track, went to the double and has now reverted to the single track and that was because we pushed for more infrastructure development there.
* The Nursing Training in Nalerigu also started with the certificate programme, moved on to diploma and is now offering State Registered Nursing and Midwifery courses with over 4,000 students, which I am also proud to have been involved in its establishment.
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/general-news/gambaga-girls-shs-is-my-proudest-achievement-hajia-alima-mahama.html
* This will ensure the decentralisation of the registration machinery and make registration of vital events accessible to the populace with pronounced functionality at the community level ( Urban, zonal and town councils .
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/New-Births-and-Deaths-Registration-Act-will-improve-information-collation-Alima-Mahama-1043644
* Government has developed a Rural Development Policy which will serve as a guideline for coordinated service delivery and investment in rural communities. The Policy seeks to modernize agriculture for rural growth and development, provide quality socio-economic infrastructure and services in a decent and secured environment as well as maximise the potential of rural areas towards rural enterprises development and industrialization.
** [https://socialprotection.org/discover/news/hajia-alima-mahama-announces-ghanas-new-rural-development-policy/]
* Our local governance system is key to accelerated national development efforts. If at the local level good governance practices and policies are non-existent or weak, development generally will be undermined or stifled.
** [https://businessghana.com/site/news/politics/192870/Parliament-should-expedite-passage-of-amendment-bill-Hajia-Alima-Mahama/]
* Parliament needs to send out that signal; it makes for a stronger position to push for the election of MMDCEs, as well as the amendment of other consequential articles, including Article 55.
** [https://businessghana.com/site/news/politics/192870/Parliament-should-expedite-passage-of-amendment-bill-Hajia-Alima-Mahama/]
* There shall be a district chief executive for every district who shall be appointed by the President, with the prior approval of not less than two-thirds majority of members of the assembly present and voting.
** [https://businessghana.com/site/news/politics/192870/Parliament-should-expedite-passage-of-amendment-bill-Hajia-Alima-Mahama/]


== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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'''Abena Durowaa Mensah''' (born 21 June 1977) is a Ghanaian politician and a member of the New Patriotic Party. She was the member of parliament for Assin North Constituency.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Science and mathematics held the key to the country's development and so it was crucial to channel enough resources towards producing more scientists and mathematicians.
* Also, students in the various SHSs are beginning to understand and appreciate the study of science and mathematics, whether in the urban or rural areas
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/ghana-news-mp-calls-for-concerted-effort-to-promote-science-mathematics-study.html
* The number of children being pushed onto the streets keeps increasing by the day with those of Sahelian origin (fair skinned beggars) leading the charge .
* where the entrepreneurs sit either in their homes or under shades created at some corners of the street, and send children  onto the streets to beg for money from car owners and passengers, using the natural sympathy that flows for vulnerable children as a weapon for money-making.
* the attempt by some citizens and now foreigners to exploit this cultural orientation of Ghanaians, and worse of all, employ the services of children in the act, &quot;is worrying, unacceptable and unconscionable.
* I respectfully call on this House to debate this phenomenon and help push for the creation of a comprehensive policy that could give protection to children on our streets, sanction parents in this exploitation business and help sanitise life on our streets .
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/general-news/enforce-act-criminalising-begging-giving-to-beggars.html
* while the party is yet to decide if she will still be on the ticket to run in the election or not, I remains optimistic .
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Not-even-Asiedu-Nketia-as-candidate-can-beat-me-2020-NPP-Assin-North-candidate-declares-1321051
* We will be voting next week, which is the 27th of june . I have a simple message for you all, extend the love shown to me and kennedy Agyapong to the party's candidate in the by-election. I trust you because you keek to your promises. If you vote for us to take back our seat, it is all about development isn't that the case? I am tired of continually hearing from people that because I am not there things are lagging behind. Abena because you are not there things are at a standstill. This is the opportunity to make the change through harles opoku to continue from whee I left off.
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Assin-North-Effect-the-change-you-ve-always-cried-for-Former-NPP-MP-campaigns-for-Charles-Opoku-1789232
* 
We appreciate the danger that comes with contracting the diseases especially those at the frontline in defending the populace against the disease and we must all support you to be able to protect us.
** [https://neatfm.peacefmonline.com/pages/local/202004/404436.php/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Betty Krosbi Mensah</title>
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[[File:BETTY NANA EFUA KROSBI MENSAH.jpg|thumb|BETTY NANA EFUA KROSBI MENSAH]]
'''Betty Nana Efua Krosbi''' '''Mensah''', is a Ghanaian politician and the [[Member of Parliament]] for Afram Plains North constituency in the Eastern region of [[Ghana]]. She is a member of the National Democratic Congress.

{{Woman-stub}}

== Quotes ==

* I am determined to do things differently, using my platform as a member of parliament to bring the necessary development to reduce the challenges facing my people .
** https://www.modernghana.com/news/1212229/afram-plains-north-mp-receives-2022-best-female.html
* the government should stamp its authority by “clearing” all political actors associated with the sale of premix fuel to save the industry. 
** https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html
* I call it a trade that has been passed on from generation to generation… fishing is not taught in a basic school or the university. They must find a way to pass the trade to their children .
** https://yen.com.gh/ghana/237178-afram-plains-north-mp-slams-anti-child-trafficking-ngos-brainwashing-ghanaians-following-bbc-expose/
* I expert some actions to be taken so that people will learn from some of these lessons. It shouldn't be left with that I have spoken about it and that's it. I am happy that the international media is really going into a subject that has been bothering me for years. 
** https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Investigate-International-Justice-Mission-over-false-child-trafficking-claims-MP-to-Nat-l-Security-1802984
* If there’s a need for us to have a critical look at this Children's Act and then Trafficking Act to see if there's a need for us to do some sort of amendment to ensure that at the end of the day, the ordinary Ghanaian or the Ghanaian children are protected, then it must be done .
** https://www.myjoyonline.com/minority-mp-calls-for-proper-regulation-of-activities-of-ijm-after-bbc-expose/
* A well-planned policy direction and a deliberate investment plan in crops that Ghana has competitive advantage in could reduce the importation of all kinds of food items including tomatoes and rice to save the country foreign exchange.
** [https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html/]
* It's been difficult transporting the farm produce to the various market centres. It's difficult using just the lake, pontoon or the roads because they are in bad shape.
** [https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html]
* In the end, we are unable to service many people as we would have wished. We have the lands and all that it takes to farm. Beyond the farm, the area supplies most of the dry fishes in the Ghanaian market especially to the Adabraka market.
** [https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html/]
* The business has been subletted to political figures who manipulate the system, to the extent that some fish farmers are denied access because of their political affiliation.
The continuous increases in price would affect productivity and thereby stall fish supply to the markets.
** [https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html]
* I appeal to the Ministry of Food and Agriculture and by extension the government to take a second look at the agric sector and redirect its energies towards the Afram Plains because it is blessed with good land and water bodies to promote food, cash crops as well as fishes for both local consumption and for export.
** [https://www.graphic.com.gh/news/politics/afram-plains-holds-key-to-ghanas-agric-fortunes-mp.html/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:People from Ghana]]</text>
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== Congratulations! ==

“Wikiquote by now has become a reputable source - at least the English version.” (Originally: „Wikiquote ist inzwischen eine seriöse Quelle geworden – jedenfalls die englische Version, ...“) [[w:de:Gerald Krieghofer]] in [https://www.spiegel.de/kultur/zitatforscher-ueber-fake-aussagen-darauf-fallen-auch-akademisch-gebildete-personen-rein-a-201da534-7a15-4f88-abe0-1491d9ccbc99 Der Spiegel] (This article is for subscribers only; however, I can provide gift links to the first three people asking for it.) [[User:SebastianHelm|SebastianHelm]] ([[User talk:SebastianHelm|talk]]) 21:35, 25 January 2024 (UTC)

:Wow, nice find, Sebastian! Good work on all us. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:57, 25 January 2024 (UTC)
== Creation of new templates ==

I don't think it's very controversial, but I wanted to give a heads up to the community that I've been creating a new kind of [[:Category:Navigational templates|navigational templates]] that act as headers to navigate at the top of sequences of articles, such as {{tl|South Park header}}, {{tl|SpongeBob header}}, and {{tl|The Simpsons header}}. This replaces text that was copied and pasted repeatedly in articles and I think it's nice if we keep the formatting consistent across these. I don't care that much how it looks as such, but if they look similar, I think that's preferable. Any feedback is welcome. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:45, 25 January 2024 (UTC)

:Thanks for creating the new navigational templates. Consistency in formatting is a good idea. I've checked them out and they look good to me. Let's keep up the collaborative effort! [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:29, 26 January 2024 (UTC)
== Danielle Jahnke ==

I don't think [[Danielle Jahnke]] is notable. [[User:Alextejthompson|''Alextejthompson'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my ''[[User talk:Alextejthompson|''talk page'']]) 20:00, 29 January 2024 (UTC)
:Agreed - I've proposed it for deletion. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:48, 29 January 2024 (UTC)
== New Rfa, if you want to participate ==

{{u|Ottawahitech}} recently suggested announcing any new Request for Adminship here, so that more people have a chance for input. I have been active here for a few years, creating some content and doing some cleanup. We are a small wiki, so I am offering to pick up a mop to help out with the admin chores. If you want to ask questions or voice opinions, here is the page: [[Wikiquote:Requests_for_adminship/HouseOfChange]]. Thanks for being part of this great project. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:22, 30 January 2024 (UTC)
== Last days to vote on the Charter for the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/wiki/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter/Announcement - voting reminder|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:wiki/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter/Announcement - voting reminder}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''
Hello all,

I am reaching out to you today to remind you that the voting period for the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] (U4C) charter will close on '''2 February 2024'''. Community members may [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Charter/Voter_information|cast their vote and provide comments about the charter via SecurePoll]]. Those of you who voiced your opinions during the development of the [[foundation:Special:MyLanguage/Policy:Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Enforcement_guidelines|UCoC Enforcement Guidelines]] will find this process familiar.

The [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|current version of the U4C charter]] is on Meta-wiki with translations available. 

Read the charter, go vote and share this note with others in your community. I can confidently say the U4C Building Committee looks forward to your participation.

On behalf of the UCoC Project team,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 17:00, 31 January 2024 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:RamzyM (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&amp;oldid=25853527 --&gt;
== IMPORTANT: Admin activity review ==

Hello. A policy regarding the removal of &quot;advanced rights&quot; (administrator, bureaucrat, interface administrator, etc.) was adopted by [[:m:Requests for comment/Activity levels of advanced administrative rights holders|global community consensus]] in 2013. According to this policy, the [[:m:stewards|stewards]] are reviewing administrators' activity on all Wikimedia Foundation wikis with no inactivity policy. To the best of our knowledge, your wiki does not have a formal process for removing &quot;advanced rights&quot; from inactive accounts. This means that the stewards will take care of this according to the [[:m:Admin activity review|admin activity review]].

We have determined that the following users meet the inactivity criteria (no edits and no logged actions for more than 2 years):

# [[Special:Contributions/Pmlineditor|Pmlineditor]] (administrator)

These users will receive a notification soon, asking them to start a community discussion if they want to retain some or all of their rights. If the users do not respond, then their advanced rights will be removed by the stewards.

However, if you as a community would like to create your own activity review process superseding the global one, want to make another decision about these inactive rights holders, or already have a policy that we missed, then please notify the [[:m:Stewards' noticeboard|stewards on Meta-Wiki]] so that we know not to proceed with the rights review on your wiki.

Thanks, [[User:Superpes15|Superpes15]] ([[User talk:Superpes15|talk]]) 15:57, 7 February 2024 (UTC)
== Announcing the results of the UCoC Coordinating Committee Charter ratification vote ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/wiki/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter/Announcement - results|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:wiki/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter/Announcement - results}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Dear all,

Thank you everyone for following the progress of the Universal Code of Conduct. I am writing to you today to announce the outcome of the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Charter/Voter_information|ratification vote]] on the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee Charter]]. 1746 contributors voted in this ratification vote with 1249 voters supporting the Charter and 420 voters not. The ratification vote process allowed for voters to provide comments about the Charter. 

A report of voting statistics and a summary of voter comments will be published on Meta-wiki in the coming weeks.

Please look forward to hearing about the next steps soon.

On behalf of the UCoC Project team,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 18:24, 12 February 2024 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:RamzyM (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&amp;oldid=26160150 --&gt;
== Flood flag ==

I propose the creation of a new user group, &quot;[[m:Meta:Flood flag|flood flag]],&quot; on English Wikiquote to prevent repetitive changes from flooding the RecentChanges feed. This will streamline the feed and enhance the user experience for contributors. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:20, 10 November 2023 (UTC)

The group can be added by sysops and removed by sysops and the users themselves. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:47, 12 November 2023 (UTC)

:@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]], There is no consensus for Fabricator Task T351250 which you started merely two days after posting here. Can you please cancel it until such time that there is proper [[wq:consensus]].
:Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 03:31, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
{{Tracked|T351250}}
=== Comments ===
* {{support}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:14, 10 November 2023 (UTC)
* {{support}} [[User:Lemonaka|Lemonaka]] ([[User talk:Lemonaka|talk]]) 10:24, 10 November 2023 (UTC)
* {{oppose}} [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 14:50, 17 November 2023 (UTC)
* Thanks for adding this information, Saroj. I really have no idea what a &quot;user group&quot; is and how it works. I am speculating that if your suggestion gets implemented it would help those users who are looking at recent changes? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:52, 12 November 2023 (UTC)
*:If the user is granted this right, their edits will not be shown in recent changes. They can then perform maintenance or repetitive tasks without tampering with recent changes. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:25, 12 November 2023 (UTC)
*::Who would  benefit from this? Sorry to be so obtuse. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:22, 12 November 2023 (UTC)
*:::I would like you to read [https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Flood_flag this] page for better information about this user group. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 16:27, 13 November 2023 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]], Me too (I would also like to have enough volunteer time to read all the non-mainspace documentation available on WQ). However as it stands now I am way behind working on content additions that I was hoping to contribute today.
*::::Thank you for providing the [[link above]]. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:41, 14 November 2023 (UTC)
*:::::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]], I just realized that the link you provided for the Simple Wikipedia documentation about ''Flood flag'' does not work for me, even though I can find the page when I go to Simple. I hope I am making sense? (sorry I got logged off in the middle so forgive me if I do not make sense) [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:54, 14 November 2023 (UTC)
*::::::I fixed the link. It seems to be working now. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:33, 15 November 2023 (UTC)
* {{support}} I believe the recent floods (AWB, Cat-a-Lot etc.) at this project suggests the need of such user group. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:40, 18 November 2023 (UTC)
*:@[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]]: How would the creation of a ''flood flag user group'' help you make better contributions to wikiquote? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:48, 28 November 2023 (UTC)
*:: If floods can be reduced by the flood flag, then it would make me easier to check the recent changes. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:17, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
* {{oppose}} - While I get the point that you wish to not have a flood of changes in the RC list, the down side I see to this approach is that when those users (myself being one of them that routinely works on categories, causing a lot of changes in short order) are not doing this work, their &quot;non-mass change&quot; edits will also be hidden. I don't think this is a good idea. If there was a way to hide only edits using AWB or Cat-a-lot I would support. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:53, 28 November 2023 (UTC)
*: We can also choose to develop and approve bots for every type of AWB or Cat-a-lot action. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:19, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
*::Any idea if it would be possible to make a tag for those and then ignore only those tags??? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:22, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
*::: I don't know how to make tags, but I know that Wikimedia Commons have a specific tag for Cat-a-lot, can our admins import that feature to here? [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:46, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
*::::Making AWB or Cat-a-Lot tags can be done. I'm just ignorant about if you can filter them ''out''. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:47, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
*::::: Sorry, I have no idea for that. Should we contact Phab for such features? [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:59, 29 November 2023 (UTC)
*::::::If this user right is established, we can perform consistent editing actions (such as cleanup, categorization, etc.) without flooding the recent changes, making it easier to patrol the edits. Additionally, to use this feature responsibly, we may monitor users who have been granted this right to ensure that they do not abuse it. This practice is common in many wikis and proves to be beneficial. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 20:40, 27 December 2023 (UTC)
*:::::::pinging {{re|MathXplore|Koavf|UDScott|Lemonaka}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:08, 28 December 2023 (UTC)
*:::::::: Here's my opinion, you can add such a right per request if you are not a sysop.&lt;br&gt;If you are a sysop, you can add or remove yourself. If you feel that you may flood RC with numerous actions, you can add it before you take actions. Then you should remove your right just after you finish them at once. Granting such rights should be set to temporary, not permanent to prevent further disruptions. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 01:19, 17 January 2024 (UTC)
*:::::::::That sounds fine, but how would one go about adding or removing oneself, as you suggest? Is it a simple change under one's preferences? Or something else? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:17, 20 February 2024 (UTC)

=== According to fabricator this proposal has received community consensus? ===
{{Tracked|T351250}}
According to today's version of [https://phabricator.wikimedia.org/T351250 the  Phabricator] (see link to the right), there is consensus by this community to add a flood gate:
* '''&quot;The English Wikiquote community has discussed enabling a flood flag user group. Here is the consensus of the community. The group can be added by sysops and removed by sysops and the users themselves.&quot;'''
How can this be true when I can clearly see 2 Opposes? Where is '''consensus''' defined? 


Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 21:17, 19 February 2024 (UTC)
::I would share your concern that this topic is really not yet decided. But in reading further on the page, I see that the ticket is not currently closed, but rather has been moved from Stalled back to Open, so I believe the discussion can continue. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:15, 20 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report of the U4C Charter ratification and U4C Call for Candidates now available ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – call for candidates| You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – call for candidates}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Hello all,

I am writing to you today with two important pieces of information. First, the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter/Vote results|report of the comments from the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) Charter ratification]] is now available. Secondly, the call for candidates for the U4C is open now through April 1, 2024.

The [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. Community members are invited to submit their applications for the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, please [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|review the U4C Charter]].

Per the charter, there are 16 seats on the U4C: eight community-at-large seats and eight regional seats to ensure the U4C represents the diversity of the movement.

Read more and submit your application on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024|Meta-wiki]].

On behalf of the UCoC project team,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 16:25, 5 March 2024 (UTC)
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== Wikimedia Canada survey ==

Hi! Wikimedia Canada invites contributors living in Canada to take part in our 2024 Community Survey. The survey takes approximately five minutes to complete and closes on March 31, 2024. It is available in both French and English. To learn more, please visit the [[wmca:Form2024| survey project page]] on Meta. [[User:Chelsea Chiovelli (WMCA)|Chelsea Chiovelli (WMCA)]] ([[User talk:Chelsea Chiovelli (WMCA)|talk]]) 00:16, 7 March 2024 (UTC)
== Are song lyrics allowed? ==

Hey folks, new guy here ... I looked through &quot;What Wikiquote is/is not&quot; and didn't see it mentioned, so I'm asking here: May song lyrics be included as quotations? I hope so; I just added a few lines from Pink Floyd's song &quot;Time&quot; to [[Time#P|this Category article]]. If it's not OK, please just revert, no hard feelings. Also, I wrestled with the formatting without much success ... if anyone can fix/improve the way this entry appears, please do, and if necessary, tell me how it should be done. Thanks! [[User:Yesthatbruce|Yesthatbruce]] ([[User talk:Yesthatbruce|talk]]) 03:59, 12 March 2024 (UTC)

:Yes, song lyrics are the same in principle as other material that is likely to be copyrighted, so please just make sure that you're sticking to actually ''quotable'' lyrics and not just copy/pasting everything from the Internet indiscriminately. Happy to have you, B. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:15, 12 March 2024 (UTC)
::Thanks for the reply. Will do re copyright; it's important. And I now realize that I was looking at a Category page, as opposed to a page about a person, such as Bob Dylan, whose page includes trillions of lyrics. Duh. [[User:Yesthatbruce|Yesthatbruce]] ([[User talk:Yesthatbruce|talk]]) 12:47, 12 March 2024 (UTC)
:::Hindsight is 20/20. I appreciate anyone brave enough to ask a good faith question on the Internet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:30, 12 March 2024 (UTC)

== Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees 2024 Selection ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
: ''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024/Announcement/Selection announcement| You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]]''
: ''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024/Announcement/Selection announcement|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024/Announcement/Selection announcement}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''
Dear all,

This year, the term of 4 (four) Community- and Affiliate-selected Trustees on the Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees will come to an end [1]. The Board invites the whole movement to participate in this year’s selection process and vote to fill those seats.

The [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections committee|Elections Committee]] will oversee this process with support from Foundation staff [2]. The Board Governance Committee created a Board Selection Working Group from Trustees who cannot be candidates in the 2024 community- and affiliate-selected trustee selection process composed of Dariusz Jemielniak, Nataliia Tymkiv, Esra'a Al Shafei, Kathy Collins, and Shani Evenstein Sigalov [3]. The group is tasked with providing Board oversight for the 2024 trustee selection process, and for keeping the Board informed. More details on the roles of the Elections Committee, Board, and staff are here [4]. 

Here are the key planned dates:

*  May 2024: Call for candidates and call for questions
*  June 2024: Affiliates vote to shortlist 12 candidates (no shortlisting if 15 or less candidates apply) [5]
*  June-August 2024: Campaign period
*  End of August / beginning of September 2024: Two-week community voting period
*  October–November 2024: Background check of selected candidates
*  Board's Meeting in December 2024: New trustees seated

Learn more about the 2024 selection process - including the detailed timeline, the candidacy process, the campaign rules, and the voter eligibility criteria - on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024|this Meta-wiki page]], and make your plan.

'''Election Volunteers'''

Another way to be involved with the 2024 selection process is to be an Election Volunteer. Election Volunteers are a bridge between the Elections Committee and their respective community. They help ensure their community is represented and mobilize them to vote. Learn more about the program and how to join on this [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024/Election Volunteers|Meta-wiki page]].

Best regards,

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Pundit|Dariusz Jemielniak]] (Governance Committee Chair, Board Selection Working Group)

[1] https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2021/Results#Elected

[2] https://foundation.wikimedia.org/wiki/Committee:Elections_Committee_Charter

[3] https://foundation.wikimedia.org/wiki/Minutes:2023-08-15#Governance_Committee

[4] https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections_committee/Roles

[5] Even though the ideal number is 12 candidates for 4 open seats, the shortlisting process will be triggered if there are more than 15 candidates because the 1-3 candidates that are removed might feel ostracized and it would be a lot of work for affiliates to carry out the shortlisting process to only eliminate 1-3 candidates from the candidate list.&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:MPossoupe_(WMF)|MPossoupe_(WMF)]]19:57, 12 March 2024 (UTC)
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== Include a Quote ==

Good afternoon,

A former teacher of mine, Ramon A. Qeuevedo, that worked at Bebensee Elementary in Arlington, TX would say, &quot;Of course you don't know it, it is called learning. if you knew it, it would be called review.&quot;. or &quot;of course you don't know it, it is called learning. if you already knew it, it would be called review.&quot; I see that one version of this quote is listed in Quotepark.com and the quote is attributed to him. What can I do to include the quote here?

Thank you,
Gabby Estrada [[User:1gabbyestrada|1gabbyestrada]] ([[User talk:1gabbyestrada|talk]]) 20:30, 13 March 2024 (UTC)
== Global ban proposal for Slowking4 ==

Hello. This is to notify the community that there is an ongoing global ban proposal for [[User:Slowking4]] who has been active on this wiki. You are invited to participate at [[m:Requests for comment/Global ban for Slowking4 (2)]]. Thank you. [[User:Seawolf35|Seawolf35]] ([[User talk:Seawolf35|talk]]) 19:42, 14 March 2024 (UTC)

== Your wiki will be in read-only soon ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;server-switch&quot;/&gt;&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;

[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Tech/Server switch|Read this message in another language]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-Tech%2FServer+switch&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]

The [[foundation:|Wikimedia Foundation]] will switch the traffic between its data centers. This will make sure that Wikipedia and the other Wikimedia wikis can stay online even after a disaster.

All traffic will switch on '''{{#time:j xg|2024-03-20|en}}'''. The test will start at '''[https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/{{#time:U|2024-03-20T14:00|en}} {{#time:H:i e|2024-03-20T14:00}}]'''.

Unfortunately, because of some limitations in [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Manual:What is MediaWiki?|MediaWiki]], all editing must stop while the switch is made. We apologize for this disruption, and we are working to minimize it in the future. 

'''You will be able to read, but not edit, all wikis for a short period of time.'''

*You will not be able to edit for up to an hour on {{#time:l j xg Y|2024-03-20|en}}.
*If you try to edit or save during these times, you will see an error message. We hope that no edits will be lost during these minutes, but we can't guarantee it. If you see the error message, then please wait until everything is back to normal. Then you should be able to save your edit. But, we recommend that you make a copy of your changes first, just in case.

''Other effects'':

*Background jobs will be slower and some may be dropped. Red links might not be updated as quickly as normal. If you create an article that is already linked somewhere else, the link will stay red longer than usual. Some long-running scripts will have to be stopped.
* We expect the code deployments to happen as any other week. However, some case-by-case code freezes could punctually happen if the operation require them afterwards.
* [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/GitLab|GitLab]] will be unavailable for about 90 minutes.

This project may be postponed if necessary. You can [[wikitech:Switch_Datacenter|read the schedule at wikitech.wikimedia.org]]. Any changes will be announced in the schedule. There will be more notifications about this. A banner will be displayed on all wikis 30 minutes before this operation happens. '''Please share this information with your community.'''&lt;/div&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;server-switch&quot;/&gt;

[[user:Trizek (WMF)|Trizek (WMF)]], 00:00, 15 March 2024 (UTC)
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== Caption text is small compared to text in rest of article ==

Any idea how I can fix that? On the page [[Victor L Berger]].

Thanks, [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 06:35, 26 March 2024 (UTC)

:The caption on the image is the standard size. It can be modified with CSS, but why is that necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:52, 26 March 2024 (UTC)
::Just seems much too small,[https://imgur.com/a/K9NyFZS] no? [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 08:31, 26 March 2024 (UTC)
:::That is a little tiny. Is it smaller than (e.g.) en.wp? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:00, 26 March 2024 (UTC)
== Paid editing ==

Paid editing is something I would like to know the definition of and how it differs from receiving financial benefit. For example, if you make residuals from having worked on a film, would it be paid editing to make changes to the wikiquote page for that film? If you work for a corporation isn't it a conflict of interest if you added nothing but negative quotes to the page for that corporation's main competitor? What if you're the mayor of a city, can you make edits to the page for that city? What if a family member benefits financially from your edits, like a mayor that benefits from the work of their child editing about their city, it seems pretty extreme to forbid people from editing certain topics because of circumstances beyond their control. Does being imprisoned for your edits count as a form of payment, it does result in food and shelter you might not otherwise have? If jail somehow counts as a form of payment than wouldn't being a slave count as paid editing? &lt;br&gt; From my present, largely uninformed, point of view a strict definition of paid editing would effectively prevent scientists from writing about their areas of expertise and it would prevent most government employees from writing about pretty much anything, because it seems like pretty much everything has become politicized at this point. Is Wikiquote supposed to be like how the Olympics used to be, where only amateur athletes but not professional athletes were allowed to compete? &lt;br&gt; Also doesn't reporting someone getting paid for editing require evidence of their identity, which means by reporting them you are doxing them? I thought that was against the rules here as well. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 15:08, 31 March 2024 (UTC)
:  WQ inherits its [[w:Wikipedia:Paid editing (guideline)|&quot;paid editing&quot; guideline]] from Wikipedia, so reading that will answer some of your questions. Doxxing is indeed a much bigger violation of policy than &quot;[[W:Wikipedia:Conflict of interest|conflict of interest]]&quot; editing. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:01, 1 April 2024 (UTC)
: It's hard to see how anyone could engage in a fruitful degree of paid editing on this particular project. I suppose a wealthy and widely-quoted person might want a page (low-visibility as it may be), or may want to control contents of their pre-existing page. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 02:28, 1 April 2024 (UTC)
:: There's a much bigger likelihood of COI editing in a negative way -- for example, the [[George Galloway]] article. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:57, 1 April 2024 (UTC)
::: The idea of the MO for paid editing being limited to self-portraiture or character assassination is a very limited way of looking at this issue, however the unlikeliness of this rule actually being effectively enforced unless someone self incriminates by posting a photograph onto Wikiquote of themselves being handed money by their financial benefactor (who is also on camera), while publishing an edit with their other hand, makes my concern for this issue laughable. It's a serious issue, but the enforcement of it is essentially nonsensical if it depends entirely on confessions. It also doesn't account for being paid not to edit, like if you work for someone famous that would prefer you not be talking about them on social media, or if you work in the government and your boss doesn't like your politics because it makes your organization look bad. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 22:43, 9 April 2024 (UTC)
== Wikiquote as homework ==

Would it be against the rules here for a teacher to assign contributing quotations to Wikiquote as homework for their class? Would it make a difference whether the teacher themselves was a contributor? Does the age of the students make a difference? I personally think this would be a bad idea, however that's different than being against the rules. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 16:58, 12 April 2024 (UTC)
== Episode Quote Limit ==

I have taken issue with the “only two quotes per episode” rule, especially since there are so many pages that have already broken this rule and nobody has done anything about them. Can we raise the limit to something like twenty? As long as we’re not posting the entire script, it should be fine. [[Special:Contributions/2603:7000:1200:825A:4511:238F:3F2C:426A|2603:7000:1200:825A:4511:238F:3F2C:426A]] 22:23, 18 April 2024 (UTC)

Can we please lift the “only two quotes per episode” rule. Two episodes per quote is too few in my opinion, and what if there’s a memorable quote someone wants to post but can’t because there’s already two quotes for the episode? People told me that it’s because there’s risk of the site being shut down if too much copyrighted material is posted, but that’s never happened as far as I can tell.  Besides, there’s people who treat the [[Family Guy]] Seasons 8 and 9 pages very seriously with this rule, but every other page for the show is ignored. Either we enforce this rule consistently, or we significantly relax, if not out right abolish it. Which one is it?  &lt;small&gt;—This [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment is by [[User:2600:1017:b835:be2:c889:d83f:2bb:361a|2600:1017:b835:be2:c889:d83f:2bb:361a]] ([[User talk:2600:1017:b835:be2:c889:d83f:2bb:361a|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2600:1017:b835:be2:c889:d83f:2bb:361a|contribs]]) 13:39, 20 April 2024.&lt;/small&gt;
== [[Template:Wikiquotelang]] ==

Hi, is it possible to add [[:bn:|Bengali Wikiquote]] (বাংলা) in there? We recently crossed 1K mark. Thanks. [[User:আফতাবুজ্জামান|আফতাবুজ্জামান]] ([[User talk:আফতাবুজ্জামান|talk]]) 20:57, 23 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{Ping|আফতাবুজ্জামান}} শুকরিয়া/মারহাবা! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:15, 24 April 2024 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]], The code is wrong, should be &quot;bn&quot; (not bg), you can add something [[special:diff/3505614|like this]]. Thanks. [[User:আফতাবুজ্জামান|আফতাবুজ্জামান]] ([[User talk:আফতাবুজ্জামান|talk]]) 00:55, 24 April 2024 (UTC)
:::D'oh. Thanks again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:56, 24 April 2024 (UTC)
== Two quotes per episode is too few. ==

Can we please lift the “only two quotes per episode” rule. Two episodes per quote is too few in my opinion, and what if there’s a memorable quote someone wants to post but can’t because there’s already two quotes for the episode? People told me that it’s because there’s risk of the site being shut down if too much copyrighted material is posted, but that’s never happened as far as I can tell. Besides, there’s people who treat the [[Family Guy]] [[Family Guy/Season 8|Seasons 8]] and [[Family Guy/Season 9|9]] pages very seriously with this rule, but every other page for the show is ignored. Either we enforce this rule consistently, or we significantly relax, if not out right abolish it. Which one is it? [[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 15:58, 22 April 2024 (UTC)
: I agree that we need to avoid violating copyright, but where in policy or elsewhere is there a &quot;two quotes per episode&quot; rule? [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:21, 24 April 2024 (UTC)
::Please refer to [[WQ:LOQ]] (and the associated talk page). There have also been numerous discussions on this topic elsewhere (see [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_23#Copyright here],  [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:George_Orwell#Fair_use_guidelines_vs_.22copyright_limits.22_nonsense here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Only_en-Wikiquote_should_be_shut_down_IMHO here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Copyright_guidelines_for_trimming_articles here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Mike_Godwin's_Statement_on_Massive_Copyright_Violations here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Proposal_for_quote_length_limit. here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Enforcing_new_guidelines here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Proposal:_notice_for_excessive_quotes_from_copyrighted_works here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_25#Copyright_guidelines_for_trimming_articles,_II:_Consensus here], [[Wikiquote:Quality and Quantity]], and I am sure there are more in the archives - I will keep looking and update if I find others). Much of this discussion originated when a sister project in France was threatened with complete shutdown.&lt;br&gt; There had been discussion about relaxing this restriction (I believe 5 per 1/2 hour episode and 10 per hour episode had been put forward), but we never got consensus. The Limits on Quotations page is a ''proposed'' guideline - it never got enough traction to become official policy. But that being said, the community consensus seemed to be that we need some limits so that we can maintain reasonable pages - there was also discussion that even if limits did not prevent bloat that appears on many TV show pages, that the criterion of quotability should also be applied and would likely limit some of the additions by applying that lens. The idea of this site is to post a selection of notable quotes - not full scripts of films or TV shows. Despite the seemingly arbitrary nature of selecting a numerical limit for quotes, it does seem to have benefitted our film and TV show pages in particular, keeping them to a manageable length and level of quality. I do feel there is some leeway we should have for film pages (especially established classics like ''[[Casablanca]]''), but for TV shows (that have so many hours or material), it seems like it would be a bit absurd to allow an unlimited amount of quotes per episode. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:29, 24 April 2024 (UTC)
:::My problem is that the people in this website aren’t truly practicing what they preach, and it’s just not fair. It’s only those two specific Family Guy pages that have the most restrictions from other people, while everything else is just left alone. Long ago, I anonymously added the entire story of how Debbie Grund was killed to the page on [[King of the Hill (season 4)|King of the Hill's fourth season]], and last I checked, no one has deleted it. [[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 14:41, 25 April 2024 (UTC)

== Vote now to select members of the first U4C ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – vote opens|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – vote opens}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Dear all,

I am writing to you to let you know the voting period for the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is open now through May 9, 2024. Read the information on the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024|voting page on Meta-wiki]] to learn more about voting and voter eligibility.

The Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. Community members were invited to submit their applications for the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, please [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|review the U4C Charter]].

Please share this message with members of your community so they can participate as well.

On behalf of the UCoC project team,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 20:20, 25 April 2024 (UTC)
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== [[Richard Nixon]] and [[:Category:Richard Nixon]] ==

At [[:d:Special:Diff/2134319560]], I was alerted that [[:Category:Anti-Semites]] is added to these pages. The main article was made first, and I made the category by copying all categories from the main article (I didn't notice about [[:Category:Anti-Semites]] until the message). I'm not sure if the enwiki article supports this categorization. Should we remove [[:Category:Anti-Semites]] from these pages? [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:55, 5 May 2024 (UTC)
== Is dating someone just because they edit Wikiquote paid editing? ==

I was wondering if I could go out on a date with someone without it being a violation of the rule against paid editing. I'm assuming not everyone here is single and that those who are in a relationship currently wouldn't be willing to break up with their partner just so they'd be allowed to continue to edit Wikiquote. I mean, how am I even supposed to know if the only reason someone is dating me is because I edit Wikiquote? I would prefer to date someone who sees enough value in this website that they themselves would like to contribute, but I wouldn't want to make it a necessary condition for them having a relationship with me. I would be pretty heartbroken to find out I was being objectified in a relationship just because of one of my attributes, or that someone was getting paid to date me, but there's no guarantee I'd be able to figure it out if they were. &lt;br&gt; As a follow up question, would mandatory celibacy even be a rule we could officially implement? What about a new rule that excludes editors based off their gender, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity or some other status that is typically protected against harassment; is that something Wikiquote could technically do, or would Wikimedia object to us promoting blatantly discriminatory values that are contrary to theirs? People often mention that we are not Wikipedia, but just how different from them are we allowed to be? I can't imagine something like that going very well with the media, and although Wikiquote might not get mentioned in the news, Wikimedia is, and it receives a lot of donations that it might not otherwise receive if one of the websites it operates starts discriminating against people. I'm just trying to follow the rules and maybe introduce someone to this cool hobby of mine that everyone here shares, but when the rules are vaguely worded and no one responds to my questions it can be kind of difficult to know what is and isn't allowed. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 14:01, 7 May 2024 (UTC)

:Is this a joke? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:08, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
:: No, it's [[fear]], but I'd settle on [[w:Black comedy|Black comedy]]. Wikiquote may not be very popular, however as several of the pages I've created for the abortion category contain more references than the corresponding Wikipedia pages, it is arguably one of the most comprehensive learning resources available for abortion on the internet as it combines text from both PubMed and Google Books. As such, it is a particularly well curated data set for an LLM. Given this is a civil rights issue and civil rights advocates have a history of being unjustly targeted by both criminal and law enforcement elements, I believe my increased concern is at least somewhat plausible. I'd make for a pretty terrible civil rights activist, but I'm a halfway decent scholar if you'd like to test my knowledge of the subject, not that civil rights has ever really come down to correctly answering test questions. I like editing Wikiquote and would like to continue to do so, I'm aware that what most people consider payment is financial transactions that have to be reported to the IRS as taxable income or gifts, not the amount of food you eat during a sleepover. I've been a bit on edge recently because it's an election year. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:15, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
::: My interpretation is that &quot;Paid editing&quot; involves getting money or whatever (a promotion, a date, etc.) in exchange for something you are being asked to do in a wiki project. If you already did some work here because you thought it improved the project, that is not &quot;paid editing,&quot; even if some third party decides to reward you for what you have already done. That said, WQ articles are not set up to be a source of balanced or reliable information about [[Beauty]], [[Truth]], [[Abortion]], etc. That's Wikipedia's goal, not something we could easily achieve. Creating a reliable guide to some topic entirely by cobbling together a lot of sourced quotable quotes would be like trying to build the Eiffel Tower out of matchsticks. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:50, 8 May 2024 (UTC)
:::: The fact that we have to have personal interpretations indicates that the rule is ambiguously worded. I wonder whether that is a communicative error on the part of the editor/editors who wrote that rule, or whether it's intentional to provide enough flexibility that essentially anything can be construed as paid editing. Is paid editing really dependent on the formation of a verbal contract? Isn't dropping a roll of cash in front of a cop as they go to arrest you still considered a bribe even if you didn't say anything? I said that most people wouldn't consider the food you eat while visiting a friend to constitute a bribe, but I don't think that most of the people here have read ''[[w:A Woman in Berlin|A Woman in Berlin]]'' either, even though the editors of Wikiquote are a particularly well-read group of people and a lot of them present themselves as being deeply concerned for civil rights and social justice. The formation of a verbal contract isn't necessarily a defining feature of bribery and the payment doesn't have to be taxable, it can be a perishable item such as food rations, or like you've mentioned {{U|HouseOfChange}}, a promotion, a date or some other service. &lt;br&gt; Paid editing is using the carrot, but what about using the stick? We can be blocked for using threatening language in a conversation with other editors on site, {{U|Kalki}} has done it to me before, but what about using threatening language off site? Isn't mentioning offsite activity that reveals details of an editor's identity usually considered doxing them? It's kind of hard to enforce a rule regarding off site behavior when our most important rule is respecting everyone's privacy. It doesn't really matter if offsite harassment is against the rules or not if talking about it is considered the worse offense. Should we be going to the police or journalists instead if that ever happens to us? It would be shameful if that was Wikiquote's first time being talked about in the news. Threats can, and usually are, vaguely worded; similarly, you can imply a bribe without specifically spelling it out for people, it doesn't have to be as obvious as &quot;If you do X I will give you Y&quot;. &lt;br&gt; As for Wikiquote being less balanced than Wikipedia and more cobbled together, Wikipedia attempts to have a neutral point of view while Wikquote is made up of people's points of view, but they are both cobbled together from references to sources that a teacher would consider acceptable to include in a term paper, unlike Wikipedia which is not, and for good reason. Wikipedia summarizes references in much the same way that a streaming service summarizes episodes of a TV show or films. A lot of the nuance of language is lost in creating a brief synopsis of the works of others and in the case of entertainment most of the plot points are simply glossed over. There aren't a lot of Wikipedia pages that are edited solely by one person, but there are several Wikiquote pages with only one editor, I know this from personal experience being one of those lone editors. It seems that not a whole lot of people here seem to be interested in spending their time creating or improving articles about abortion, for whatever reasons those might be. &lt;br&gt; Keep in mind that Wikipedia does not actually adhere to the [[w:Fairness doctrine|Fairness doctrine]] which stipulated giving equal airtime to both sides of an issue, Wikipedia emphasizes facts, which is a point of view, whereas following the Fairness doctrine means giving equal weight to the words of a NASA astronaut and a moon landing denier. If you look at the Wikipedia page for the [[w:Moon landing|moon landing]] you will see that is not the case. The page for [[w:Treatment and management of COVID-19|Treatment and management of COVID-19]] mentions Ivermectin, but it does so in a section labeled ineffective treatments. If you [[believe]] in [[facts]], then you are [[biased]], NPOV may not be the ideal that you think it is, it's not very well defined. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 21:52, 8 May 2024 (UTC)
: Since Poetlister case, wikiquote has engaged in enough off-wiki issues that has effect on wiki. You can date with someone, nobody disallows you to do so. However, trying to make promotion about the one you date is COI.&lt;br&gt;As for BIAS and POV, just take a look on Israel -Hamas related content, Russia -Ukraine related articles. There's something more serious always just happening on this project. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 22:06, 8 May 2024 (UTC)
{{U|Koavf}}, {{U|HouseOfChange}}, {{U|Lemonaka}}; as the three of you are administrators, tell me what you would think of the following scenario which is neither complex nor hypothetical. I show some of my contributions to someone who believes in reproductive rights and in social media such as Wikiquote as an effective means of education and outreach, they are impressed enough by what I've done that they decide to let me stay at their house and continue to create pages about reproductive rights because they share my concerns for the [[future]]. Is that paid editing, [[yes]] or [[no]]? If you have different answers to this question, than why is there that little consensus among the Wikiquote administrators as to what paid editing even means? Anyone else can free to state their &quot;interpretation&quot; as well, although unless they are also administrators who are tasked with enforcing the rules here when they are broken, there opinion will not mean much to me, even if it's [[Jimmy Wales]].  [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 02:18, 11 May 2024 (UTC)

:The answer to your original question is no. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:14, 11 May 2024 (UTC)
:: {{U|Koavf}} by original question do you mean, &quot;I show some of my contributions to someone who believes in reproductive rights and in social media such as Wikiquote as an effective means of education and outreach, they are impressed enough by what I've done that they decide to let me stay at their house and continue to create pages about reproductive rights because they share my concerns for the [[future]]. Is that paid editing, [[yes]] or [[no]]?&quot; I'm still a bit confused why if someone gave me three thousand dollars to pay the rent for a New York City apartment so I can edit Wikiquote fulltime it's paid editing, but if they own their own New York City apartment and let me stay there rent free so I can edit Wikiquote fulltime, it's not paid editing. They both sound like a gift of three thousand dollars that is being given in exchange for edits that haven't happened yet, the only difference is that I don't have to report the second one to the IRS, but as {{U|HouseOfChange}} has made clear, they interpret paid editing to include services that lack any financial value whatsoever, like going on the world's cheapest date. I hope that HouseOfChange isn't in charge of interpreting and enforcing the legal definition of [[prostitution]]. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 14:18, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
:::I agree with Justin, no. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:42, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
::::{{resolved}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:21, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
== Sign up for the language community meeting on May 31st, 16:00 UTC ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;message&quot;/&gt;Hello all,

The next language community meeting is scheduled in a few weeks - May 31st at 16:00 UTC. If you're interested, you can [https://www.mediawiki.org/w/index.php?title=Wikimedia_Language_engineering/Community_meetings#31_May_2024 sign up on this wiki page].

This is a participant-driven meeting, where we share language-specific updates related to various projects, collectively discuss technical issues related to language wikis, and work together to find possible solutions. For example, in the last meeting, the topics included the machine translation service (MinT) and the languages and models it currently supports, localization efforts from the Kiwix team, and technical challenges with numerical sorting in files used on Bengali Wikisource.

Do you have any ideas for topics to share technical updates related to your project? Any problems that you would like to bring for discussion during the meeting? Do you need interpretation support from English to another language? Please reach out to me at ssethi(__AT__)wikimedia.org and [[etherpad:p/language-community-meeting-may-2024|add agenda items to the document here]].

We look forward to your participation!
&lt;section end=&quot;message&quot;/&gt;

&lt;bdi lang=&quot;en&quot; dir=&quot;ltr&quot;&gt;[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]]&lt;/bdi&gt; 21:22, 14 May 2024 (UTC)
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== Copyvio? ==

Aren't [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Muhammad_bin_Bakhtiyar_Khalji&amp;diff=3282965&amp;oldid=3228839 this copyvio]? [[User:আফতাবুজ্জামান|আফতাবুজ্জামান]] ([[User talk:আফতাবুজ্জামান|talk]]) 21:04, 14 May 2024 (UTC)

:No, the original source is  The History of India, as Told by Its Own Historians. The History of India, as Told by Its Own Historians is a set of eight volumes published between 1867–1877 in London. Any book published in the 19th century is not a copyvio. It would be better to first ask on the talkpage of the article. However, some copyediting is still needed and is work in progress. --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 21:09, 14 May 2024 (UTC)
::Thanks. Not copyvio then but quotes should not be that long, it's very hard to follow. You know Wikisource exist for this type of book. [[User:আফতাবুজ্জামান|আফতাবুজ্জামান]] ([[User talk:আফতাবুজ্জামান|talk]]) 00:46, 15 May 2024 (UTC)
:::''[https://www.amazon.com/India-Complete-Collection-Vol-1-Vol-4-ebook/dp/B09VZC7MM4/ The India they saw: Foreign accounts]'' is a compendium of quotes on India, in which the same extract is quoted in full. This means that at least another published editor found this particular episode interesting, quotable and coherent enough to quote in full. Smaller parts of the episode have of course been quoted often elsewhere. But the extract could be split into smaller quotes and perhaps trimmed, to make it more readable. As I said in my last reply the article still needs copyediting and is work in progress. I will have a few more tries at the article when I find the time. Thanks for reminding me. --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 09:58, 15 May 2024 (UTC)
== Feedback invited on Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee/Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle/Invitation for feedback (MM)|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee/Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle/Invitation for feedback (MM)}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

[[File:Sibling Project Lifecycle Conversation 3.png|150px|right|link=:m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee/Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle]]

Dear community members,

The [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee|Community Affairs Committee]] (CAC) of the [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees|Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees]] invites you to give feedback on a '''[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee/Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle|draft Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle]]'''. This draft Procedure outlines proposed steps and requirements for opening and closing Wikimedia Sibling Projects, and aims to ensure any newly approved projects are set up for success. This is separate from the procedures for opening or closing language versions of projects, which is handled by the [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Language committee|Language Committee]] or [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Closing_projects_policy|closing projects policy]]. 

You can find the details on [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Talk:Wikimedia Foundation Community Affairs Committee/Procedure for Sibling Project Lifecycle#Review|this page]], as well as the ways to give your feedback from today until the end of the day on '''June 23, 2024''', anywhere on Earth. 

You can also share information about this with the interested project communities you work with or support, and you can also help us translate the procedure into more languages, so people can join the discussions in their own language.

On behalf of the CAC,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 02:25, 22 May 2024 (UTC)
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== Senator:RamonRevillaSr.@JoseBautistaSr.com ==

The Senaator is Planning to run for President at 2028 Presidential Election.As the headline of [{PDPLaban/com})Mb.com [[Special:Contributions/124.106.110.221|124.106.110.221]] 04:05, 25 May 2024 (UTC)
== Policy change proposal: More quotes per episode ==

I’ve been trying to add more quotes to the pages for [[Family Guy]]'s [[Family Guy/Season 8|eighth]] and [[Family Guy/Season 9|ninth]] seasons, but people kept preaching to me that there should only be two quotes per half-hour episode, or else they will get a copyright claim. Anonymous user [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] said to me on [[User talk:UDScott|UDScott’s talk page]] that the event it never happens is “unlikely”, but cannot disagree with him more. The page for [[Family Guy/Season 18|Season 18]] for example has 14 quotes for the episode The Movement, and not a single copyright claim has happened to that. I also added the entire story of Debbie Grund’s death to [[King of the Hill (season 4)|King of the Hill’s fourth season]], and guess what people did about it? Nothing! Besides, why would anyone copyright claim this website anyway, when there are so many other quote websites that are just left alone?

So I’m coming up with a new proposal to raise the maximum number of quotes per episode, since not a single copyright claim has happened to Family Guy Season 18 or King of the Hill Season 4. The maximum number of quotes should be: five quotes for a show less than a half-hour long; 15 quotes for a half-hour; 20 quotes for an hour; 25 quotes for an hour and a half; 30 quotes for two hours; and 40 quotes for 3 hours. Because since no one is copyright claiming those pages, then why should we even care?

P.S. I expect a satisfactory response as soon as possible. I don’t like it when people ignore my words.
[[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 02:33, 27 April 2024 (UTC)
: A slight increase might be OK but fifteen quotes per half hour seems much too high. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:16, 27 April 2024 (UTC)
::How about ten? [[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 16:47, 27 April 2024 (UTC)
* It would be more convincing if most tv show articles were attempts at offering quotable lines instead of just recording dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:48, 27 April 2024 (UTC)
:: Wikiquote doesn't have all that many active users, but this is an issue people might realistically vote on in mass, given how much activity on this website concerns television shows. This is just my assessment, but we seem to favor movies over TV, and video games and comic books are largely dismissed despite modern video games being comparable in length to novels in their word count and a large portion of the movies coming out being based on comics. If you think we can normally interest a group of twelve people for a vote on anything than you are sorely mistaken, but raising this issue might actually accomplish that. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:39, 3 May 2024 (UTC)
:::It may not have that many active users, but my complaint is that whatever users are active only focus on those two specific Family Guy pages, while leaving everything else I edited unchanged. Either ALL pages follow these quote limit rules or none of them do, and I am definitely in favor of the latter option. [[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 17:58, 29 May 2024 (UTC)
::There’s nothing wrong with providing context. Just don’t post the entire script. [[User:Playland1998|Playland1998]] ([[User talk:Playland1998|talk]]) 22:02, 8 May 2024 (UTC)
== Getting started ==

Hi. I've been editing the English Wikipedia for a while now and decided to check out Wikiquote. Is there anything like the Task Center where I can find things to do? Thanks. &lt;span style=&quot;font-family:monospace;&quot;&gt;'''&lt;nowiki&gt;'''[[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[User:CanonNi]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]]'''&lt;/nowiki&gt;'''&lt;/span&gt; ([[User talk:CanonNi|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/CanonNi|contribs]]) 08:02, 1 June 2024 (UTC)

:Welcome to Wikiquote. We are a small project, without a Task Center as far as I know. Most people work on pages about things/people where they already have some knowledge and some interest. Another source of inspiration can be news stories that contain quotable quotes from notable people. I hope you will find areas you enjoy working on and decide to stay. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:57, 1 June 2024 (UTC)
== Announcing the first Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – results|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024/Announcement – results}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Hello,

The scrutineers have finished reviewing the vote results. We are following up with the results of the first [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) election]]. 

We are pleased to announce the following individuals as regional members of the U4C, who will fulfill a two-year term:

* North America (USA and Canada)
** –
* Northern and Western Europe
** [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Ghilt|Ghilt]]
* Latin America and Caribbean
** –
* Central and East Europe (CEE)
** —
* Sub-Saharan Africa
** –
* Middle East and North Africa
** [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Ibrahim.ID|Ibrahim.ID]]
* East, South East Asia and Pacific (ESEAP)
** [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:0xDeadbeef|0xDeadbeef]]
* South Asia
** –

The following individuals are elected to be community-at-large members of the U4C, fulfilling a one-year term:

* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Barkeep49|Barkeep49]]
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Superpes15|Superpes15]]
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Civvì|Civvì]]
* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/User:Luke081515|Luke081515]]
* –
* –
* –
* –

Thank you again to everyone who participated in this process and much appreciation to the candidates for your leadership and dedication to the Wikimedia movement and community.

Over the next few weeks, the U4C will begin meeting and planning the 2024-25 year in supporting the implementation and review of the UCoC and Enforcement Guidelines. Follow their work on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Meta-wiki]].

On behalf of the UCoC project team,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 08:15, 3 June 2024 (UTC)
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== The final text of the Wikimedia Movement Charter is now on Meta ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Final draft available|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Final draft available}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''
Hi everyone,

The final text of the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter|Wikimedia Movement Charter]] is now up on Meta in more than 20 languages for your reading.

'''What is the Wikimedia Movement Charter?'''

The Wikimedia Movement Charter is a proposed document to define roles and responsibilities for all the members and entities of the Wikimedia movement, including the creation of a new body – the Global Council – for movement governance.

'''Join the Wikimedia Movement Charter “Launch Party”'''

Join the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Event:Movement Charter Launch Party|“Launch Party”]] on '''June 20, 2024''' at '''14.00-15.00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1718892000 your local time]). During this call, we will celebrate the release of the final Charter and present the content of the Charter. Join and learn about the Charter before casting your vote.

'''Movement Charter ratification vote'''

Voting will commence on SecurePoll on '''June 25, 2024''' at '''00:01 UTC''' and will conclude on '''July 9, 2024''' at '''23:59 UTC.''' You can read more about the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Ratification/Voting|voting process, eligibility criteria, and other details]] on Meta.

If you have any questions, please leave a comment on the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Talk:Movement Charter|Meta talk page]] or email the MCDC at [mailto:mcdc@wikimedia.org mcdc@wikimedia.org].

On behalf of the MCDC,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 08:45, 11 June 2024 (UTC)
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== Notable Wikipedia people and research on Wikipedia usage ==

I noticed that the category Wikipedia people only has only four people in it: [[Sue Gardner]], [[Andrew Lih]], [[Steven Pruitt]] and [[Jimmy Wales]]. Is that it, or are there other Wikipedia people that would meet the standards of notability and quotability for inclusion on Wikiquote? I very rarely see Wikipedia editors give interviews and when they do it seems to be more often than not to be attributed to their username, with the editor citing concerns for their safety should they lose their anonymity. I was hoping one of the Wikipedia editors who has done interviews might have gone into detail about why they have those safety concerns, because if Wikipedia is truly as dangerous as some of the editors make it sound, than it's bizarre that that it's accessed by so many school age children and no one seems to care they could be in danger were they to become editors. The Surgeon General didn't specifically mention Wikipedia when discussing the health effects of childhood social media usage, but it is still a form of social media, so I'm wondering what research is there concerning Wikipedia in particular in connection to issues like cyberbullying or addictive behavior. My hypothesis is that the well-known [[w:Gender bias on Wikipedia|Wikipedia gender gap]] might have something to do with a casual acceptance of cyberbullying, or alternatively that there is for some reason a pervasive false impression of dangerousness that scares away many potential new editors, seeing as there is much less of a gender difference in either academia or in publishing. Other more popular social media websites do not seem to have this problem, [[Youtube]] doesn't have a noticeable gender difference and you have much less privacy being on camera than writing, and people post photos of themselves and discuss politically sensitive topics on [[Facebook]] but they don't have a noticeable gender difference. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 15:07, 21 June 2024 (UTC)
: Responding to your first sentence, there are lots of notable people who have no WQ article. I created the WQ article for [[Steven Pruitt]] after I stumbled on some interesting quotes by him. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 20:22, 22 June 2024 (UTC)
:: It seems all of the Wikipedia people with pages go by their real names; introductory text is hard to write for anonymous pseudonyms, take the page for [[Banksy]] for example. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 00:25, 23 June 2024 (UTC)
== Voting to ratify the Wikimedia Movement Charter is now open – cast your vote ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Ratification vote opens|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Ratification vote opens}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''
Hello everyone,

The voting to ratify the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter|'''Wikimedia Movement Charter''']] is now open. The Wikimedia Movement Charter is a document to define roles and responsibilities for all the members and entities of the Wikimedia movement, including the creation of a new body – the Global Council – for movement governance.

The final version of the Wikimedia Movement Charter is [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter|available on Meta in different languages]] and attached [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wikimedia_Movement_Charter_(June_2024).pdf here in PDF format] for your reading.

Voting commenced on SecurePoll on '''June 25, 2024''' at '''00:01 UTC''' and will conclude on '''July 9, 2024''' at '''23:59 UTC'''. Please read more on the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Ratification/Voting|voter information and eligibility details]].

After reading the Charter, please [[Special:SecurePoll/vote/398|'''vote here''']] and share this note further.

If you have any questions about the ratification vote, please contact the Charter Electoral Commission at [mailto:cec@wikimedia.org '''cec@wikimedia.org'''].

On behalf of the CEC,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 10:52, 25 June 2024 (UTC)
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== Wikipedia and dating websites ==

I was wondering if anyone here has ever mentioned their editing of Wikis when using dating websites and their reasoning as to why or why not. If no one here uses dating websites that would also be an interesting fact to know about our community as to how we feel about other online communities. It may seem like it's a question that has nothing to do with improving the Wiki, but considering the low number of active users and the importance of membership drives I think it's a valid maintenance question, and not just one of research and criticism. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 03:29, 29 June 2024 (UTC)
: I understand that most people here do not edit under their real names and that doxing is taken very seriously, which is one of the things that differentiates Wikis from other forms of social media where it is often an expectation that people post pictures of themselves. Bragging about how good you are at your job or your hobby isn't particularly attractive behavior on a first date, however secrecy and a refusal to answer any questions someone might have about how you spend your time is also very disconcerting. Not everyone uses dating websites, however enough people do that even in a fairly small group of people you would expect at least a quarter of the population to have some experience using them, so if nobody who edits Wikis uses dating websites than that suggests a unique trend which may be connected to Wikipedia's noticeable gender gap. Not a lot of people use social media in the hopes of obtaining greater levels of social isolation, it's one thing not to make any new friends on a website but it's another when it actively interferes with making them anywhere else as well. In my case I don't think many people are interested in talking about abortion activism on a first date, but if they ask what you do as a job or hobby they are not going to like being told that they ask too many questions or being answered with riddles. What we all do here may feel inconsequential at times and like it's not worth mentioning, but I think most people would have a hard time arguing it doesn't make at least a small difference in someone's life being able to more readily access information on topics that they feel are important, whatever those topics may be. Just thought I would mention this in case anyone else has had experiences that sound similar, or has any interest in the gender gap Wikipedia points out in advertisements and tries to address with campaigns like #SheSaid. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 14:48, 29 June 2024 (UTC)
:How {{u|CensoredScribe}} is your question connected to Wikiquote which is what this page is intended for? [[User:Mcljlm|Mcljlm]] ([[User talk:Mcljlm|talk]]) 14:46, 30 June 2024 (UTC)
:: I don't know what all of the objectives of [[w:Wikiqote:SheSaid|#SheSaid]] are, but considering #SheSaid's advertisements are displayed at the top of all of the pages for three months out of the year, I would say that the answer to your question is all of them. What pages, do you think, aren't edited by women? [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 02:26, 4 July 2024 (UTC)
:::Quoting the intro to this page: &quot;This is the place if you (a) have a question about Wikiquote and how it works or (b) a suggestion for improving Wikiquote.&quot; [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:56, 4 July 2024 (UTC)
::: Wikiedu.org mentions improving Wiki Data in addition to Wikipedia, so how about one of the administrators here asks that they mention Wikiquote? We could use their help just as much as Wikipedia, and unlike Wikipedia's summaries, the direct quotations we've collected can be used as references, which is of more help to students. Seeing real people's faces and not just their screen names helps to improve Wikipedia's public image, making it look safer for new people to use. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 21:04, 5 July 2024 (UTC)
::::This page is not intended for efforts to start a chat about random topics with little relation to improving Wikiquote. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:09, 7 July 2024 (UTC)
::::: I wouldn't consider a gender gap or a race gap to be random topics with no relation to improving Wikiquote HoC, if no X gender or Y ethnicity are editing Wikiquote that looks bad to the press. You have made less than two thousand edits, you may well be the administrator with the quickest rise to power, and it shows. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 02:19, 8 July 2024 (UTC)

== Voting to ratify the Wikimedia Movement Charter is ending soon ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Final reminder|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Final reminder}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''
Hello everyone,

This is a kind reminder that the voting period to ratify the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter|Wikimedia Movement Charter]] will be closed on '''July 9, 2024''', at '''23:59 UTC'''.

If you have not voted yet, please vote [[m:Special:SecurePoll/vote/398|on SecurePoll]]. 

On behalf of the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement_Charter/Ratification/Voting#Electoral_Commission|Charter Electoral Commission]],&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 03:46, 8 July 2024 (UTC)
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== U4C Special Election - Call for Candidates ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – call for candidates|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – call for candidates}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Hello all,

A special election has been called to fill additional vacancies on the U4C. The call for candidates phase is open from now through July 19, 2024.

The [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the [[:foundation:Wikimedia Foundation Universal Code of Conduct|UCoC]]. Community members are invited to submit their applications in the special election for the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, please review the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|U4C Charter]].

In this special election, according to [[Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter#2. Elections and Terms|chapter 2 of the U4C charter]], there are 9 seats available on the U4C: '''four''' community-at-large seats and '''five''' regional seats to ensure the U4C represents the diversity of the movement. [[Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter#5. Glossary|No more than two members of the U4C can be elected from the same home wiki]]. Therefore, candidates must not have English Wikipedia, German Wikipedia, or Italian Wikipedia as their home wiki.

Read more and submit your application on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election|Meta-wiki]].

In cooperation with the U4C,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

-- [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 00:03, 10 July 2024 (UTC)
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== New Category ==

I'd like to create a category for people who have been awarded of the [[w:Compasso d'Oro]] (presumably &quot;Category:Compasso d'Oro winners&quot;, by the logic of [[q:Category:People by award|established practice]] here on Wikiquote). As I'm still not fully familiar with the ins and out of this wiki, I thought it best to ask for guidence. Cheers, [[User:Cl3phact0|Cl3phact0]] ([[User talk:Cl3phact0|talk]]) 13:57, 11 July 2024 (UTC)

:We already have the scheme at [[:Category:People by award]], so in principle, this is a perfectly fine approach. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:28, 15 July 2024 (UTC)

== Quotes in context ==

Lots of political in-groups talk about quote fragments among themselves without knowing the original context of such fragments. When possible, let's make those fragments available in their wider context. Also, when quotes about some politician criticize the person for having said XX, let's have the WQ article include the original XX quote in its context. 
I'm motivated by recent publicity given a &quot;snippet&quot;[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/07/13/biden-trump-bullseye-quote/74397121007/]  of a quote by [[Joe Biden]] (made in a private phone call with donors) to claim he urged Trump's assassination, but there are plenty of other examples. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:17, 15 July 2024 (UTC)

:It is ''certainly'' true that entirely factual quotations can be sliced and diced or presented in a way that is very disingenuous and misleading. When I add quotations, I always make sure to at least contextualize it by place and time if I can and then any other additional situational information that makes it clear ''why'' something was being said and why it's worthy of quotation. This is subjective, but so is selective quotation with no context. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:27, 15 July 2024 (UTC)
::You make an excellent point that situational information, e.g. place and time, are important to determine what meaning was intended. Going back to my example, if Biden wanted to issue a call for Trump's assassination, a private phone call with some donors would be an unlikely place for it. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:39, 15 July 2024 (UTC)
== Wikimedia Movement Charter ratification voting results ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Results of the ratification vote|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Movement Charter/Drafting Committee/Announcement - Results of the ratification vote}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''
Hello everyone,

After carefully tallying both individual and affiliate votes, the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter/Ratification/Voting#Electoral Commission|Charter Electoral Commission]] is pleased to announce the final results of the Wikimedia Movement Charter voting.  

As [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Talk:Movement Charter#Thank you for your participation in the Movement Charter ratification vote!|communicated]] by the Charter Electoral Commission, we reached the quorum for both Affiliate and individual votes by the time the vote closed on '''July 9, 23:59 UTC'''. We thank all 2,451 individuals and 129 Affiliate representatives who voted in the ratification process. Your votes and comments are invaluable for the future steps in Movement Strategy.

The final results of the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Charter|Wikimedia Movement Charter]] ratification voting held between 25 June and 9 July 2024 are as follows: 

'''Individual vote:'''

Out of 2,451 individuals who voted as of July 9 23:59 (UTC), 2,446 have been accepted as valid votes. Among these, '''1,710''' voted “yes”; '''623''' voted “no”; and '''113''' selected “–” (neutral). Because the neutral votes don’t count towards the total number of votes cast, 73.30% voted to approve the Charter (1710/2333), while 26.70% voted to reject the Charter (623/2333).

'''Affiliates vote:'''

Out of 129 Affiliates designated voters who voted as of July 9 23:59 (UTC), 129 votes are confirmed as valid votes. Among these, '''93''' voted “yes”; '''18''' voted “no”; and '''18''' selected “–” (neutral). Because the neutral votes don’t count towards the total number of votes cast, 83.78% voted to approve the Charter (93/111), while 16.22% voted to reject the Charter (18/111).

'''Board of Trustees of the Wikimedia Foundation:'''

The Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees voted '''not to ratify''' the proposed Charter during their special Board meeting on July 8, 2024. The Chair of the Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees, Nataliia Tymkiv, [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_Board_noticeboard/Board_resolution_and_vote_on_the_proposed_Movement_Charter|shared the result of the vote, the resolution, meeting minutes and proposed next steps]].  

With this, the Wikimedia Movement Charter in its current revision is '''not ratified'''.

We thank you for your participation in this important moment in our movement’s governance.

The Charter Electoral Commission,

[[m:User:Abhinav619|Abhinav619]], [[m:User:Borschts|Borschts]], [[m:User:Iwuala Lucy|Iwuala Lucy]], [[m:User:Tochiprecious|Tochiprecious]], [[m:User:Der-Wir-Ing|Der-Wir-Ing]]&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 17:52, 18 July 2024 (UTC)
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== Vote now to fill vacancies of the first U4C ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – voting opens|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – voting opens}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Dear all,

I am writing to you to let you know the voting period for the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is open now through '''August 10, 2024'''. Read the information on the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election|voting page on Meta-wiki]] to learn more about voting and voter eligibility.

The Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. Community members were invited to submit their applications for the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, please [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|review the U4C Charter]].

Please share this message with members of your community so they can participate as well.

In cooperation with the U4C,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 02:47, 27 July 2024 (UTC)
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== Language links ==

How can languages be added to the language list? The French page of [[Albert Camus]] can be found by clicking 45 more at the end of the languages list and then Français but logically it should be in the default list. [[User:Mcljlm|Mcljlm]] ([[User talk:Mcljlm|talk]]) 14:39, 28 June 2024 (UTC)

:I'm not sure how it was done, but checking our [[Albert Camus]] today, I see Français on the default language list. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:30, 8 July 2024 (UTC)
:Languages are added via our sister project [[:d:|Wikidata]]. At Wikidata, there is [[:d:Q34670|an entry for Albert Camus]] and there, you can find two distinct types of information: one is general statements about him (birth and death dates, links in databases, etc.) and the other is links between various Wikimedia Foundation projects about this topic (such as [[:w:avk:Albert Camus]] and [[:s:Auteur:Albert Camus]]). If someone wants to add a link between these projects, it should be done there. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:25, 28 July 2024 (UTC)

{{ping|Mcljlm|HouseOfChange}} see https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Universal_Language_Selector/Compact_Language_Links#How_it_works

{{Quotation|With compact language links a short list of the relevant languages for the user is displayed at first. This selection is based on your previous language selections, your browser settings, your location, and properties of the article you're reading. You can read more about this selection at this FAQ: [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Universal_Language_Selector/Compact_Language_Links#Decide How do you decide which languages are shown to me in the initial compact list?].}}

[[User:1992 FARHAAD|1992 FARHAAD]] ([[User talk:1992 FARHAAD|talk]]) 17:16, 28 July 2024 (UTC)
== Reminder! Vote closing soon to fill vacancies of the first U4C ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – reminder to vote|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement – reminder to vote}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Dear all,

The voting period for the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is closing soon. It is open through 10 August 2024. Read the information on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Election/2024_Special_Election#Voting|the voting page on Meta-wiki to learn more about voting and voter eligibility]]. If you are eligible to vote and have not voted in this special election, it is important that you vote now.

'''Why should you vote?''' The U4C is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. Community input into the committee membership is critical to the success of the UCoC.

Please share this message with members of your community so they can participate as well.

In cooperation with the U4C,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

-- [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 15:30, 6 August 2024 (UTC)
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== Explanatory footnotes? ==

How can I add an explanatory footnote?, like can be done at Wikipedia [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Efn here]. Thank you. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 20:31, 8 August 2024 (UTC)

:To quote [[Wikiquote:Templates#Quotes_by_people]], a good place for clarification is the line below the line for the source of the quote:
:''* English Quotation
:''** Source of the quote. (with a date of source, when known)
:''** Optional clarifications, notes on context, etc.''
:Not quite what you asked, but I hope it's helpful. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:45, 9 August 2024 (UTC)
::To add to HouseOfChange's helpful tip - at WQ, we try to keep all notes with the quote, rather than at the bottom of the page. So we actually discourage the use of footnotes. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:35, 9 August 2024 (UTC)

:I have done something similar [[Wikipedia#2014|here]] (scroll down to the last quote by John Naughton). Nobody ever complained about that and it complies to the requirement above. I think that might help. - [[User:Emilijaknezevic|Emilija Knezevic]] ([[User talk:Emilijaknezevic|talk]]) 19:08, 13 August 2024 (UTC)
::Actually, now that you've brought it up - I would actually change what you did there to have the Douglas Adams bit as a second sub-bullet to the quote, rather than a footnote. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:35, 13 August 2024 (UTC)
:::Well, I have no problem doing that. But do I mark the place of the footnote within the quote with a bullet (or a number), because it is marked in the source, and WQ should preserve what is said in the source? - [[User:Emilijaknezevic|Emilija Knezevic]] ([[User talk:Emilijaknezevic|talk]]) 20:46, 13 August 2024 (UTC)
== Coming soon: A new sub-referencing feature – try it! ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;Sub-referencing&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Sub-referencing reuse visual.png|{{#ifeq:{{#dir}}|ltr|right|left}}|400px]]
Hello. For many years, community members have requested an easy way to re-use references with different details. Now, a MediaWiki solution is coming: The new sub-referencing feature will work for wikitext and Visual Editor and will enhance the existing reference system. You can continue to use different ways of referencing, but you will probably encounter sub-references in articles written by other users. More information on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/WMDE Technical Wishes/Sub-referencing|the project page]].

'''We want your feedback''' to make sure this feature works well for you:

* [[m:Special:MyLanguage/WMDE Technical Wishes/Sub-referencing#Test|Please try]] the current state of development on beta wiki and [[m:Talk:WMDE Technical Wishes/Sub-referencing|let us know what you think]]. 
* [[m:WMDE Technical Wishes/Sub-referencing/Sign-up|Sign up here]] to get updates and/or invites to participate in user research activities.

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Deutschland|Wikimedia Deutschland]]’s [[m:Special:MyLanguage/WMDE Technical Wishes|Technical Wishes]] team is planning to bring this feature to Wikimedia wikis later this year. We will reach out to creators/maintainers of tools and templates related to references beforehand.

Please help us spread the message. --[[m:User:Johannes Richter (WMDE)|Johannes Richter (WMDE)]] ([[m:User talk:Johannes Richter (WMDE)|talk]]) 10:36, 19 August 2024 (UTC)
&lt;section end=&quot;Sub-referencing&quot;/&gt;
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== What are human categorisations and what theme pages apply exclusively to humans? ==

In addition to the disambiguation page for [[race]], in keeping with Wikipedia we now have two race pages, one for [[Race (human categorisation)]] and another for [[Race (biology)]]. So what exactly are human categorisations? If you type in [[w:Human categorizations|human categorizations]] on Wikipedia does anything come up? Are we suggesting that humans uniquely possess race? [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 15:33, 16 August 2024 (UTC)

:There are Wikipedia pages for both: [[w:Race (biology)|Race (biology)]] and [[w:Race (human categorization)|Race (human categorization)]]. The definitions of each are spelled out in more detail there. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:37, 16 August 2024 (UTC)
:: I asked for the definition of &quot;human categorizations&quot;, can anyone here provide one and cite their source? I'm curious what other pages are listed as a type of (human categorizations) or if this technical terminology in parenthesis is exclusive to this one particular page, which doesn't make it sound very technical. Aren't [[jobs]] and [[religions]] ways of classifying people, so why are those pages titled differently from race if they only apply to people? [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:05, 16 August 2024 (UTC)
::: I see your point. In my opinion, the more proper place to ask that question would be the Wikipedia [[w:Race (human categorization)|Race (human categorization)]] talk page. And about the Wikiquote, the debate here would be &quot;Does Wikiquote have to keep with Wikipedia?&quot;. I am not sure if there would be anybody to debate that. - [[User:Emilijaknezevic|Emilija Knezevic]] ([[User talk:Emilijaknezevic|talk]]) 19:48, 21 August 2024 (UTC)
== Sign up for the language community meeting on August 30th, 15:00 UTC ==

Hi all,

The next language community meeting is scheduled in a few weeks—on August 30th at 15:00 UTC. If you're interested in joining, you can [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Language_and_Product_Localization/Community_meetings#30_August_2024 sign up on this wiki page].

This participant-driven meeting will focus on sharing language-specific updates related to various projects, discussing technical issues related to language wikis, and working together to find possible solutions. For example, in the last meeting, topics included the Language Converter, the state of language research, updates on the Incubator conversations, and technical challenges around external links not working with special characters on Bengali sites.

Do you have any ideas for topics to share technical updates or discuss challenges? Please add agenda items to the document [https://etherpad.wikimedia.org/p/language-community-meeting-aug-2024 here] and reach out to ssethi(__AT__)wikimedia.org. We look forward to your participation!

[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 23:20, 22 August 2024 (UTC)
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== [[Abubakar Muhammad Zakaria]] ==

Hi, sorry if i posted this on wrong page. I don't know what English Wikiquotes policy is about very long quotes. [[Abubakar Muhammad Zakaria|This article]] contain very long quote. The quote should be verified also as it was created by an IP, now globally blocked for long term abuse, probably an LTA created it. [[User:আফতাবুজ্জামান|আফতাবুজ্জামান]] ([[User talk:আফতাবুজ্জামান|talk]]) 18:47, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

:Deleted it. Thanks for posting. If you do want to see our policy on length as it relates to quotability: [[WQ:LENGTH]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:22, 23 August 2024 (UTC)
== Very bad quotes selected as QOTD for purely political propaganda ==

Hello,

I once again have to bring the community's attention to [[User:Kalki]]'s parochial use of Wikiquote's [[Wikiquote:Main Page|Main Page]] as a propaganda tool for the Democratic Party.

List of Kalki's single-handed QOTD selections in the last 4 days in a row:
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 21, 2024|August 21, 2024]] -- quote by Joe Biden (absolutely unremarkable and unmemorable, nothing new in it)
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 22, 2024|August 22, 2024]] -- quote by Michelle Obama (not exactly a &quot;quote&quot;, more like a speech)
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 23, 2024|August 23, 2024]] -- quote by Oprah Winfrey (absolutely unremarkable and unmemorable, nothing new in it)
* [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 24, 2024|August 24, 2024]] -- quote by Kamala Harris (absolutely unremarkable and unmemorable, nothing new in it)

As Kalki keeps selecting vapid and empty &quot;quotes&quot; for the QOTD, for political purposes, and cannot be trusted to be balanced, I should think the community needs to take action.

While I would not suggest blocking Kalki (though he is seriously hurting Wikiquote's neutrality and literacy-level), I would recommend we implement a new rule according to which the QOTD must be quoted in books (to be of actual quotes that have passed the test of time). At least this would both improve the quality of the quotes and remove the incentive to use the QOTD for purely political propaganda. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 13:13, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

:The reality is that this process is not only ''de&amp;nbsp;facto'' personality-based but it's actually [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day|the ''de&amp;nbsp;jure'' process]]. I think this is a serious problem with a pretty fundamental part of the site and should be changed to one that is voted on by the community or that has rotating individuals responsible for its implementation. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:19, 24 August 2024 (UTC)
:: Many users from the Wikiquote community have already proposed and !voted for different quotes for each of the above-mentioned days (see [[August 21]], [[August 22]], [[August 23]], [[August 24]]), Kalki just chooses to ignore them (preferring instead his own selections, which no one had the chance to !vote for or oppose). ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 13:45, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

: '''The events of the political processes of the United States in the past month have been quite extraordinarily historical, and I have selected notable quotes of notable persons involved in those processes in some of these recent days — all of the 4 quotes cited as &quot;very bad quotes&quot; were from very widely noted and very widely lauded statements from the 4 days of the 2024 DNC.'''
: Earlier in the month I had quoted one of the most notable statements of the much maligned Republican president of a century ago: 
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; Being a [[politician]] is a poor profession. Being a [[public servant]] is a [[noble]] one.
| author = Herbert Hoover
}}
: Last month on the 4th of July, I selected on of the more notable statements of one of Republican [[Ronald Reagan]]'s favorite Republican presidents:
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; We are not likely to improve our own condition or [[help]] [[humanity]] very much until we come to the sympathetic [[understanding]] that human nature is about the same everywhere, that it is rather evenly distributed over the surface of the [[earth]], and that we are all united in a common [[brotherhood]]. We can only make [[America]] first in the true sense which that means by cultivating a spirit of [[friendship]] and [[good will]], by the exercise of the [[virtues]] of [[patience]] and forbearance, by being &quot;plenteous in [[mercy]],&quot; and through progress at home and helpfulness abroad standing as an example of real service to humanity. 
| author = Calvin Coolidge
}}
: Last month, on the 15th, after the attempt on Trump's life by a deranged individual, and before he dropped out of the race, I quoted a Biden statement in response to that:
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[choice]] we make in [[2024 United States presidential election|this election]] will shape the [[future]] of [[America]] and the [[world]] for decades to come. I [[believe]] that with all my [[soul]]. I know that millions of my fellow Americans believe it as well. And some have a different view as to the direction our country should take. Disagreement is inevitable in American [[democracy]]. It is part of [[human nature]]. [[Politics]] must never be a killing field. I believe politics ought to be an arena for [[peaceful]] [[debate]], to pursue [[justice]], to make decisions guided by the [[Declaration of Independence]] and [[United States Constitution|our constitution]]. We stand for an America not of extremism and fury, but of [[decency]] and [[grace]]. All of us now face a time of [[testing]] as the election approaches. The higher the stakes, the more fervent the [[passion]] becomes. This places an added burden on each of us to ensure no matter how strong our convictions, we must never descend into [[violence]].
| author = Joe Biden
}}
: On the 29th I quoted the highly respected UN Secretary-Generals Hammarskjöld on a statement relevant to his times, and our times, and all time:
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; It is when we all play safe that we create a [[world]] of utmost insecurity. It is when we all play safe that fatality will lead us to our [[doom]]. It is in the &quot;dark shade of [[courage]]&quot; alone that the spell can be broken.
| author = Dag Hammarskjöld
}}
: '''There are people who like to falsely and foully frame everything they like or dislike in petty pissant partisan terms — and those who can see clearly beyond them.''' One notable Republican, among the many who spoke at the DNC, as well as very publicly in recent months and years:
:: I'm going to focus my attention on the millions of Republicans and independents at home that are sick and tired of making excuses for [[Donald Trump]]. &lt;br /&gt; If Republicans are being intellectually honest with ourselves, our party is not civil or conservative. It’s chaotic and crazy. And the only thing left to do is dump Trump … Let me be clear to my Republican friends at home: If you vote for [[Kamala Harris]] in 2024 you’re not a Democrat, you’re a patriot.
::* [[w:Geoff Duncan|Geoff Duncan]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4840725-geoff-duncan-republican-kamala-harris/ &quot;Georgia Republican: Voting for Harris means ‘you’re a patriot’&quot;, ''The Hill'' (21 August 2024)]
: '''I will note, that I myself, many years ago, though never highly partisan at any point, WAS for many years actually REGISTERED as Republican — and had NEVER voted Democratic in ANY of several presidential elections in which I had voted, but switched to registering as an Independent when I saw the party was clearly becoming far too thoroughly corrupted in various ways for me to wish to have any further official attachment to it.'''
: '''Though I am willing to tolerate and accept a great deal of error, ignorance and confusion in any living being, I will confess have an extremely strong bias for favoring actual truth rather than falsehoods and outright lies made to sound like truth to those with shallow and small levels of awareness or attention to actual facts.''' I am well aware that often makes me ''persona non grata'' to those who prefer various vapidities and outright lies to many forms of truth, but it is a fate I am willing to accept.
: Busy as I am with many projects, I was just about to leave for most of the day when I noticed the above comments on waking my computer — and have made a response for now — but I do not expect to be back soon. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 15:33, 24 August 2024 (UTC) + tweaks
::This gibberish treats your fellow editors with utter contempt. [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 15:44, 24 August 2024 (UTC)
::There is no way that you believe that the voluminous Kamala Harris excerpt is actually quotable material. A quotation should be something that someone could plausibly memorize and attribute to someone: a few sentences at most, with a clear point. Issues with your QotD selections go back for several years and it seems like you can't or won't listen to that criticism. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:11, 24 August 2024 (UTC)
:I agree. Wikiquote should not be a record of breaking news. [[Wikipedia:In the news]] is shaped by dozens of editors and is a much better source for that. 
:Kalki has a long history of abusing his admin privileges to shoe-horn in his own picks at the last second. As he is the only admin who edits QOTD, this means he effectively controls the process. He also cannot or will not respond coherently to questions/concerns. This makes him unfit to be admin IMO.
:I think access to upcoming QOTD pages should be extended to all editors with 1000+ edits, so decisions about quote selection, image choice, etc can be made by everyone actively involved in Wikiquote. [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 15:42, 24 August 2024 (UTC)
:: In our small community, typically we let slide a few questionable actions by generally good users (Deuteronomy 25:4) but the problem here is that QOTD is very prominent on our home page. Taking care of QOTD every day is a lot of work, and in general Kalki has chosen good quotes, although on occasion some political drums get pounded -- in this case, over a run of several days. Wouldn't it be possible for any other admin to respond in real time to complaints about the  main page? Let's work on solving the problem here, without attacking our valued and very hard-working admin Kalki. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:09, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
:::Kalki clearly says above he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Obviously that is a problem. A refusal to address concerns is unacceptable in an admin. [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 17:20, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
::::Kalki clearly says above that he believes his quotes averaged over time show a balance of different points of view. So, what do we want to see happen going forward. IMO if admins can correct mainpage errors then any bad QOTD can be corrected. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:49, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
:::::Do you find his argument persuasive? [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 03:14, 28 August 2024 (UTC)
::::::I am persuaded that Kalki makes a real effort to be balanced. I am not persuaded that the people objecting to a four-day stretch of pro-Harris eloquence are objecting because they prefer lies or vapidity to truth. I also object to having such a four-day stretch on our homepage, because I think it looks bad for the project, not because I am &quot;highly partisan&quot; in an anti-Harris direction. Au contraire, as the seasick Frenchman said when asked if he had dined. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:11, 28 August 2024 (UTC)
:::I don't think anyone is attacking Kalki as such: there are problems with his behavior and attitude and it's okay to point them out. No one is denying the long-term investment of time that he's put into this site, nor is anyone saying that all of his editing is problematic. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:10, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
::::I apologize that I implied otherwise. Looking for solutions, would a length limit on QOTD begin to address some concerns? 22:22, 25 August 2024 (UTC) [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 22:22, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
:::::It would be a start. There have been several criticisms of Kalki's ownership of QotD and that's one of them: that excessively long not-quotable quotations are chosen. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:34, 25 August 2024 (UTC)
::::::Making it a requirement that the QOTD has to be from a book is blatantly preferential to a particular medium; plenty of the most famous quotations were first published in newspaper articles and nowadays a television news interview is the more likely medium for a politician rather than print journalism. Would you seriously suggest quotes from the moon landing aren't sufficiently memorable because they were made on television and not in print?  [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 15:28, 28 August 2024 (UTC)

:For [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 29, 2024|today's QOTD]], Kalki again chose to use a quote he suggested only at the last second and which consequently no one else had a chance to vote on. See [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=August_29&amp;oldid=3570165 here]. [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 10:39, 29 August 2024 (UTC)
== Announcing the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
:''[https://lists.wikimedia.org/hyperkitty/list/board-elections@lists.wikimedia.org/thread/OKCCN2CANIH2K7DXJOL2GPVDFWL27R7C/ Original message at wikimedia-l]. [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement - results|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]] [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Announcement - results}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]''

Hello all,

The scrutineers have finished reviewing the vote and the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Elections Committee|Elections Committee]] have certified the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election/Results|results]] for the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Election/2024 Special Election|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) special election]].

I am pleased to announce the following individual as regional members of the U4C, who will fulfill a term until 15 June 2026:

* North America (USA and Canada)
** Ajraddatz

The following seats were not filled during this special election:

* Latin America and Caribbean
* Central and East Europe (CEE)
* Sub-Saharan Africa
* South Asia
* The four remaining Community-At-Large seats

Thank you again to everyone who participated in this process and much appreciation to the candidates for your leadership and dedication to the Wikimedia movement and community.

Over the next few weeks, the U4C will begin meeting and planning the 2024-25 year in supporting the implementation and review of the UCoC and Enforcement Guidelines. You can follow their work on [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Meta-Wiki]].

On behalf of the U4C and the Elections Committee,&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[m:User:RamzyM (WMF)|RamzyM (WMF)]] 14:06, 2 September 2024 (UTC)
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== Have your say: Vote for the 2024 Board of Trustees! ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;
Hello all,

The voting period for the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024|2024 Board of Trustees election]] is now open. There are twelve (12) candidates running for four (4) seats on the Board.

Learn more about the candidates by [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2024/Candidates|reading their statements]] and their [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2024/Questions_for_candidates|answers to community questions]].

When you are ready, go to the [[Special:SecurePoll/vote/400|SecurePoll]] voting page to vote. '''The vote is open from September 3rd at 00:00 UTC to September 17th at 23:59 UTC'''.

To check your voter eligibility, please visit the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2024/Voter_eligibility_guidelines|voter eligibility page]].

Best regards,

The Elections Committee and Board Selection Working Group&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 12:15, 3 September 2024 (UTC)
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== Paraphrasing ==

Hello. I have this idea about including the paraphrasing of quotes for modernizing or less complicated interpretations of them. For example, including a modern English version of Shakespearean quotes and modern English versions of Olde English quotes or even just less complicated paraphrased iterations of certain harder to grasp quotes to go along with ones already listed? My idea is that just below the quote we could indicate the paraphrased version. Like so:
*Lorem ipsum odor amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.
*'''Paraphrased as:''' Lorem ipsum odor amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.
&lt;span style=&quot;text-shadow:3px 3px 3px pink&quot;&gt;[[User:Huggums537|'''Huggums''']]&lt;sup&gt;'''537'''&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;small&gt;([[Wikipedia:User:Huggums537/Guestbook|sign🖋️]]|[[User talk:Huggums537|📞talk]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 03:35, 5 September 2024 (UTC)
: If RS can be cited for a paraphrase, I believe it could be added below a quote. Creating your own paraphrase would be &quot;[[w:WP:OR|original research]],&quot; and/or &quot;[[w:WP:SYNTH|synthesis]]&quot; IMO. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:04, 5 September 2024 (UTC)
== Altering another user's edit history to include death threats ==

Maybe I'm the only one here who has ever noticed another user's page being scrubbed clean of offensive comments they later regretted making. It wasn't on this particular Wiki but on Wikipedia. I assume it could happen here as well and it might be even easier given the vastly smaller number of page views and users. But for those of you who haven't personally witnessed it happen before, let's say that hypothetically someone could change page histories. Doing that for main space pages is going to get noticed obviously because those pages have lots of page views, but what about a talk page? Only users normally look at those. The village pump here gets a lot of views in part because we have fewer discussion pages than Wikipedia, so I think Wikiquote might be harder to tamper with. But hypothetically, say someone altered another user's contributions to include death threats of the kind that warrant immediate action from law enforcement (I think it would be wise for me not to specify further with any specific examples or say which law enforcement agencies would be tasked with that, but you get the point.) Or alternatively, what if someone created a sock puppet which was determined to be linked to your account. Do you think law enforcement agencies are going to immediately trust our records and the amateur detective work of Check User? Of course not, they are going to do their own investigations because they don't trust a bunch of amateur journalists who call arguing with one another wars and who have a single investigator that doesn't leave any notes that can be reviewed. I also don't think they are going to like the fact that a wiki makes it easier to make anonymous death threats or attribute them to others, and they might mention that to the media next time a government official gets asked about Wikipedia. So when was the last time a government official got asked about Wikipedia during an interview and what were they asked about? Does anyone have an answer? [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 19:27, 8 September 2024 (UTC)

:No.
:&lt;div style=&quot;background-color:lightgrey;&quot;&gt;I think that this discussion is resolved and can be archived. If you disagree, don't hesitate to replace this div with your comment. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 8 September 2024 (UTC)&lt;/div&gt;
== How does Wikiquote treat malicious quotes ==

There are quotes which are spoken to convince other people to be malicious, such as encouraging discrimination. How does Wikiquote treat such quotes if they have reached notability standard? [[User:DutchOff|DutchOff]] ([[User talk:DutchOff|talk]]) 01:12, 16 September 2024 (UTC)

:If you've taken a look at [[Wikiquote:Policies and guidelines]], you may have seen that we defer a lot of content policies to en.wp. Even there, we do ''not'' link to [[:w:en:WP:NOTCENSORED]] and the only thing that really comes close to what you're describing is [[Wikiquote:Neutral point of view]]. So inevitably, if you have a list of quotations for [[Adolf Hitler]], you're going to have some pretty vile sentiments and we try to be [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|comprehensive]], so a important historical figure like this will have to have relevant, but grotesque quotations. I think the only real guideline here is good judgement: make sure that if you are adding what could be viewed as a pretty controversial or malicious quotation, ensure that it's actually notable and you have sources and it's added in an appropriate place (e.g. don't add some gross racist comment at a mundane topic just because the quotation mentions that mundane topic). Anyone else who thinks I'm overlooking policy here, please do correct me. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:33, 16 September 2024 (UTC)
== Your wiki will be in read-only soon ==

&lt;section begin=&quot;server-switch&quot;/&gt;&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;

[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Tech/Server switch|Read this message in another language]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-Tech%2FServer+switch&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]

The [[foundation:|Wikimedia Foundation]] will switch the traffic between its data centers. This will make sure that Wikipedia and the other Wikimedia wikis can stay online even after a disaster.

All traffic will switch on '''{{#time:j xg|2024-09-25|en}}'''. The switch will start at '''[https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/{{#time:U|2024-09-25T15:00|en}} {{#time:H:i e|2024-09-25T15:00}}]'''.

Unfortunately, because of some limitations in [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Manual:What is MediaWiki?|MediaWiki]], all editing must stop while the switch is made. We apologize for this disruption, and we are working to minimize it in the future. 

A banner will be displayed on all wikis 30 minutes before this operation happens. This banner will remain visible until the end of the operation. 

'''You will be able to read, but not edit, all wikis for a short period of time.'''

*You will not be able to edit for up to an hour on {{#time:l j xg Y|2024-09-25|en}}.
*If you try to edit or save during these times, you will see an error message. We hope that no edits will be lost during these minutes, but we can't guarantee it. If you see the error message, then please wait until everything is back to normal. Then you should be able to save your edit. But, we recommend that you make a copy of your changes first, just in case.

''Other effects'':

*Background jobs will be slower and some may be dropped. Red links might not be updated as quickly as normal. If you create an article that is already linked somewhere else, the link will stay red longer than usual. Some long-running scripts will have to be stopped.
* We expect the code deployments to happen as any other week. However, some case-by-case code freezes could punctually happen if the operation require them afterwards.
* [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/GitLab|GitLab]] will be unavailable for about 90 minutes.

This project may be postponed if necessary. You can [[wikitech:Switch_Datacenter|read the schedule at wikitech.wikimedia.org]]. Any changes will be announced in the schedule. 

'''Please share this information with your community.'''&lt;/div&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;server-switch&quot;/&gt;

[[User:Trizek_(WMF)|Trizek_(WMF)]], 09:37, 20 September 2024 (UTC)
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== Re: The Vector 2022 skin as the default in two weeks? ==

[[File:Vector 2022 video-en.webm|thumb|A two minute-long video about Vector 2022]]
Hello everyone, I'm reaching out on behalf of the [[mediawikiwiki:Reading/Web|Wikimedia Foundation Web team]] responsible for the MediaWiki skins. I'd like to revisit the topic of making Vector 2022 the default here on English Wikiquote. I [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 61#The Vector 2022 skin as the default in two weeks?|did post a message about this almost two years ago]] (where you can find all the details about the skin), but we didn't finalize it back then.

What happened in the meantime? We built [[mw:Reading/Web/Accessibility for reading|dark mode and different options for font sizes]], and made Vector 2022 the default on most wikis, including all other Wikiquotes. With the not-so-new V22 skin being the default, existing and coming features, like dark mode and [[mw:Trust and Safety Product/Temporary Accounts|temporary accounts]] respectively, will become available for logged-out users here.

So, if no large concerns are raised, we will deploy Vector 2022 here in two weeks, in the week of September 16. Do let me know if you have any questions. Thank you! [[User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|SGrabarczuk (WMF)]] ([[User talk:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|talk]]) 21:48, 2 September 2024 (UTC)

:Yep, it's still terrible unusable garbage. Sorry for not pointing that out earlier! [[User:DragonflySixtyseven|DragonflySixtyseven]] ([[User talk:DragonflySixtyseven|talk]]) 01:33, 23 September 2024 (UTC)
== Can Wikiquote be licensed for use in an entertainment product? ==

I was wondering if the image of Wikiquote could be used in a music video, television program or film and for what cost and who would be responsible for approving that decision. Our individual contributions are released under a creative commons license, however the website itself and the associated imagery is not. I was thinking a music video would be the most likely option as I doubt anyone wants us to be featured on a police procedural. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 02:43, 26 September 2024 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>53mwa6ebk0w251vv8z2kljm5k3kwfgf</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>The Amazing World of Gumball (season 3)</title>
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    <id>272037</id>
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        <username>Pacman198080</username>
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      <comment>Hi new quote here for a gumball page. Hope it's not too much.</comment>
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:'''Seasons''': [[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 1)|1]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 2)|2]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 3)|3]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 4)|4]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 5|5]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 6)|6]] ([[The Amazing World of Gumball|Main]])
----
'''''[[w: The Amazing World of Gumball|The Amazing World of Gumball]]''''' (2011–2019) is an animated television series created by Ben Bocquelet for Cartoon Network. The series revolves around the lives of 12-year-old Gumball Watterson, a blue cat, and his goldfish best friend—adoptive brother 10-year-old Darwin, who attends middle school in the fictional city of Elmore.
===The Kids [3.01]===
===The Fan [3.02]===

===The Coach [3.03]===
:''(The scene opens on Gumball and Darwin outside of the nurse's office as Gumball knocks on the door.)''
:'''Darwin''': Are you sure this is going to work? Because I ''really'' don't want to go to gym class.
:''(Gumball's leg kicks him in the face.)''
:'''Gumball''': My legs are trying to kick my brain for just thinking about it! But don't you worry. Today's the day the plan works!
:'''Darwin''': But it's already gone wrong so many times. Maybe we should just accept our fate and go to gym class.
:''(Gumball's leg kicks Darwin in the shin.)''
:'''Darwin''': Ow!
:'''Gumball''': Don't say that out loud! You're making them angry! Just let me handle this.
:''(The Nurse answers the door.)''
:'''Nurse''': ''(sighs)'' Watterson.... No, I haven't lost weight. No, I haven't done something new with my hair. No, you don't have the bubonic plague. No, you can't have a second opinion on that. Therefore, no, you cannot get a note to skip gym class.
:''(Gumball's leg kicks his face again.)''
:'''Nurse''': What was ''that''?
:'''Gumball''': Don't worry about it.
{{line}}
:'''Gumball''': ''(muffled, via subtitles)'' You apologized.
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, whatever, you better shut up if you don't want Mr. and Mrs. Pain to invite you to dinner! They only serve filet-o-fist!
:'''Gumball''': [Twists his jaw back] It's fine. You can let that anger go, Jamie. You touched our hearts yesterday.
:'''Jamie''': Oh, I'll touch your heart--with my fist!
:'''Gumball''': That's...quite a vivid image, but we understand. You don't have to be a bully anymore. Coach saw what we were all too blind to see, that you're really a sweet, kind, orange...thing with, uh, a hat...or a wig or some kind of a helmet...and horns that we're proud to call our friend.
:'''Jamie''': ''[throws Gumball in Darwin’s mouth]'' I am not anyone's friend! The only friends I need are Grandma and Grandpa Fist, and they don't give candy. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna do something so bad, it'll go down in '''SCHOOL HISTORY!'''
:'''Gumball''': We really need to work on Jamie's hugging technique.
{{line}}
:'''Gumball''': You don't really think Jamie will do anything bad, do you?
:'''Darwin''': Well, just because she fed Anton to the ducks... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]'' Or that she chewed Teri's own body to spit it back in her face... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]'' Or that she ate a little bit of Sarah and Banana Joe... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]''
:'''Gumball''': ''(scared)'' Dude, stop! I can't take any more horrible flashbacks!
:'''Darwin''': But people change. Just because she did all that doesn't mean ''[sees Jamie]'' that she's capable of climbing into the back of a teacher's car to''[Becomes very startled and fearful]'' '''DO SOMETHING SO BAD THAT IT'LL GO DOWN IN SCHOOL HISTORY!'''
===The Joy [3.04]===
:'''Gumball''': It’s Monday.

===The Puppy [3.05]===
:'''Darwin''': At least he passed away peacefully.
:'''Gumball''': Yeah, like a peaceful, evil raisin.
:''[The kids and Richard are giving the turtle a funeral]''
:'''Darwin''':''[Sniffles]'' Before we say goodbye to our beloved family pet, Evil Turtle, I think we should all say a few words to let him know how much he meant to us.
:'''Gumball, Anais and Richard''': Hmmm.
:'''Darwin''': I'll always think fondly of the way he put fear into my heart.
:'''Gumball, Anais and Richard''': Hmmm.
:'''Anais''': Every time I stare down at the scar tissue on my hand, I'll think of him.
:'''Gumball and Darwin''': Hmmm.
:'''Richard''': Only once in your lifetime, does something touch your heart in the way that... awesome store did! ''[Sobs in his hands]''
:'''Gumball''': Dad, you gotta move on.
:'''Anais''': Gumball, do you have anything you like to add?
:'''Gumball''': Yeah, er.... I'll miss his.... you know the funny way he... the thing he... I got nothing.
:'''Darwin''': ''[Drops the dead turtle into the trash bag]'' All of this because we couldn't take care of him.
:''[Darwin cries over the turtle and a single drop falls on the turtle who immediately recovers and hisses at them, scaring Gumball]''
:'''Darwin''': He was revived by my tear!
:'''Gumball''': ''IT FEEDS ON MISERY!!!''
:''[The turtle climbs out and crosses the road away from the Wattersons, hissing and snarling furiously]''
:'''Darwin''': Somebody save him, he could get hurt!
:''[The Turtle moves into the path of a speeding car in which the car crashes into pieces and the turtle was unharmed and unfazed by the impact]''
:'''Anais''': Forget saving the turtle, we need a plan to save the neighborhood.
{{line}}
''(At a swamp, Gumball is tied to a tree with tape---in his underwear.)''
:'''Gumball''': Why am ''I'' the bait?
:'''Darwin''': ''(comes out of a bush)'' Because you're the one he loves biting the most!
:'''Gumball'':  Alright, but why am I not allowed to wear clothes?
:'''Darwin''': Because he could choke on them.
:''(Darwin pops in and then out of his hiding spot and decorates Gumball's head with leaves.)''
:'''Gumball''': What was ''that'' for?
:'''Darwin''': Presentation. It's important.
:'''Gumball''': What??
:'''Anais''': Shh! Just remember to let it get as close as possible to give me a chance to catch it!
:'''Darwin''':  Just make sure you don't hurt him, okay? He's only a small little guy and there's three of...
:''(Darwin suddenly falls as he is heard gasping.)''
:'''Gumball''':  .....Darwin? Are you ok?
:''(Gumball nervously checks his environment as looks around. He then hears splashing water.)''
:'''Gumball''': Dude, is that you?... Hello? Is anyone there?
:''(A pair of malicious eyes poke out of the swamp. Gumball gapes before the turtle rushes out to him while hissing, scaring Gumball and forcing him to free himself!)''
:'''Gumball''': '''I CAN'T FIND THE EDGE!!!'''
:''(The evil turtle closes in, but Gumball manages to free himself, though losing his fur from the tape, and runs away, with the turtle in pursuit.)''
:'''Anais''': Hey Wait, what about the bowl?!
:'''Gumball''': &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT ABOUT ''MY'' BUTT?!?!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
{{line}}
(Before the monster turtle could come any closer, Anais traps it in the bowl.)
:'''Anais''': Well, I guess there's no getting rid of it. We'll have to keep it for as long as it lives.
:'''Nicole''': How long ''do'' they live?
:'''Anais''': '''130 years.'''

===The Recipe [3.06]===

===The Name [3.07]===
:'''Gumball''': (Gumball's sweat pours out and Gumball's organs are crying.) I'm weak.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Nicole''': (to Gumball) Your real name is Zach.
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Red Construction Man''': (to Gumball as Zach) Hey, kid, get in line like everyone else!
:'''Crocodile Woman''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin) You've got 3 seconds to move or I'll bingo-wing you.
:'''Red Construction Man''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin): Get back in the line.
:'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) aah, dude, you can say sorry to these  people before they get heavy items at the bottom of the car?!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) NO, WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) No wait!
:'''Crocodile Woman''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin) I warned you.
===The Extras [3.08]===

===The Gripes [3.09]===
:'''Alan''': (to the crowd) THESE CHILDREN NEED HEEEEELP!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Banana Bob Grunting''': THEY LIED TO UUUUUUS!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gumball''': we (Gumball/Darwin) DIDN'T LIE! (to Darwin) We're mega poor, right, Darwin?!
:'''Banana Bob''': (to Gumball/Darwin) PROVE IIIIIIT!
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Gumball''': EVERYBODY, LISTEN, I think we all learned a very important lesson today and this lesson is...don't complain, be happy with what you got! no, that's.... uh, quite right?! uh, be careful of what you say! nah, no, that's not it either uh, don't jump to conclusions, no, no, don't try to be something you're... not... 'cause uh,... be yourselves?! I don't know, man... maybe the lesson is sometimes, some people do stuffy, things happen and it kind of goes nowhere, anyway, thanks for the check bye!

===The Vacation [3.10]===
:'''Gumball''': MOM! WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE NOW!!!!
:'''Nicole''': Yes, but about that, apparently the engine is... (glares at Richard) ''caramelized''.
:'''Richard''': ''(gasps, then whispers)'' Caramelized.... ''(He looks at Nicole)'' Aw.... Mmm!
:'''Nicole''': ''(groans)'' He can't fix it. We're stuck here. But, the good news is he says he'll have us for dinner!
:''(Gumball and Darwin scream again from inside the car.)''
:'''Nicole''': Can you guys stop screaming every five minutes?!
:''(The window rolls down, revealing the boys screaming silently.)''
:'''Gumball''': Actually, we're doing a silent scream. We need to save our voices for '''&lt;big&gt;WHEN HE EATS US!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''
:'''Anais''': You two are ridiculous. Scaring yourselves with narrow-minded assumptions about country people.
:''(The old man suddenly picks up Anais.)''
:'''Old Man''': Big brain for such a small thing. ''(chuckles)'' I like that.
:''(Frightened, Anais dashes into the car.)''
:'''Anais''': '''WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!'''
:'''Nicole''': Alright, that's it! I only get five days off a year! ''(at Richard)'' We already wasted Christmas when you decorated the house with whipped cream instead of fake snow!
:''(Flashback to Nicole entering the house at Christmastime)''
:'''Nicole''': Merry Christma--AAH!
:''(Nicole slips on the whipped cream and is knocked unconscious. Richard and Anais are seen gorging on the cream.)''
:'''Richard''': Uh, how much cream did you eat?
:'''Nicole''': Then, there was the Fourth of July...
:''(In another flashback, the family is gathered in the backyard as Richard lights a firework.)''
:'''Nicole''': Be careful, Richard.
:''(The lit firework launches, but it circles back down and crashes into the yard.)''
:'''Nicole''': Then your mother's visit...
:''(In another flashback, Nicole is driving on the freeway with Granny Jojo alongside her. However, as the latter speaks, she gets increasingly annoyed.)''
:'''Granny Jojo''': After you drop me off at the mall, go to the grocery store and buy me a melon - not too hard, not too soft. Then, pick me up at 2:30. I have an appointment at a beauty parlor, and from the looks of it, you could do with a makeup yourself, then you need to--
:'''Nicole''': And let's not forget Halloween!
:''(In one last flashback, Richard, in a wolf mask, surprises Nicole on Halloween. However, Nicole reacts by kicking him down the stairs!)''
:'''Nicole''': Richard?
:'''Richard''': There's some liquid in my lungs!
:(Back to the original scene...)
:'''Nicole''': So I'm not going to ruin this by listening to your crazy assumptions! You said we were going camping, so WE &lt;big&gt;'''ARE GOING &lt;big&gt;CAMPING!!!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''&lt;/big&gt;
===The Fraud [3.11]===
===The Void [3.12]===
===The Boss [3.13]===
===The Move [3.14]===
===The Law [3.15]===
:'''Gumball''': I mean, why not drive with your eyes closed, and your hands in the air too?!
:'''Donut Cop''': Ah, great idea! ''[Drives with eyes closed and hands in air]''
:''[Gumball then screams]''
:'''Donut Cop''': Whoohoo!
:''[He drives on the wrong lane, and barely hits other cars and people going the opposite direction]''
:'''Darwin''': ''[Panicked]'' No! NO! He was trying to use reverse psychology!
:'''Donut Cop''': Did someone say reverse?!
:''[The sheriff reverses the car, and drives backwards. The car flies off a speed bump, and a speed camera takes a snapshot of the car's bottom. They continue driving, no longer reversed. Gumball takes his paws with claws stuck on the dashboard off it]''
:'''Gumball''': Please, I'm begging you. Someone's going to get hurt unless you stop breaking the law!
:'''Donut Cop''':  Don't worry kid, nothing can happen. '''&lt;big&gt;I ''AM'' THE LAW!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[Laughs hysterically]''
:''[He speeds up the car. Then spotting a baby carriage and the Crocodile Woman in the middle of the road, he steps on the brakes and screeches to a halt. The car stops in time, but bumps the carriage. This sends a piece of trash flying from the baby stroller]''
:'''Gumball''': Oh, thank gosh it's the old stroller-full-of-trash trick.
:''[The piece of trash hits a live baby in another stroller from a distance, making it cry]''
===The Allergy [3.16]===

===The Mothers [3.17]===
: '''Banana Joe''': Your mom's aren't the superest, mine is! It's written right here.
: '''Gumball''': Dude. Just because you wrote something, doesn't mean it's true.
: '''Darwin''': What is it anyway?
: '''Banana Joe''': What do you mean, &quot;What is it?&quot; It's a banana!
:''[He shows his card. On it is &quot;Superest mom&quot; with a sad clown's face. No one says anything, and he puts his arm down]''
:'''Gumball''': Look, I don't want to break anyone's heart here, but at the max, your mom could be the superest in your neighborhood.
:'''Darwin''': But sometimes Mrs. Mom drives down their street.
:'''Gumball''': Oh, yeah, right. Superest mom in your house then, tops.
===The Password [3.18]===
===The Procrastinators [3.19]===
{{line}}
(The episode opens on a close-up of Gumball and Darwin)
:'''Darwin''': Wait, what?
:'''Nicole''': You are procrastinators.
:'''Darwin''': What does that mean?
:'''Gumball''': &quot;Procrastinator&quot;. Derived from the Mexican word, ''Procratalamación'', which means &quot;midnight snack&quot;, and the Viking word, ''astenator'', which means &quot;puckered cheeks&quot;. It describes a person sitting on a sandwich in the dark.
:''[Darwin sends a confused face at Gumball]''
:'''Gumball''': Of course I don't know, dude. You know how I use a dictionary...
:''[A flashback shows a sleeping Richard and Gumball emerging behind the couch with a dictionary. He slams it shut, creating a loud boom that scares Richard, causing his heart to literally burst out of his chest. Gumball disgustedly escapes the scene.]''
:'''Anais''': A procrastinator is someone who always avoids their responsibilities by doing something else instead.
:'''Gumball''': ''(laughs)'' That's ridiculous.
:'''Nicole''': Gumball, you're such a procrastinator that you were four years old when you finished your first sentence. Even then, it was &quot;I'll do it tomorrow.&quot;

===The Shell [3.20]===
{{line}}
:'''Gumball''': What the what? Y-you look… you look—
:'''Penny'''​​​: What? Do I look bad? ''[She shape-shifts into a gremlin]''
:'''Gumball''':  No! You look, uh—
:'''Penny'''​​​:  ''[Raspy voice]'' I look disgusting, don't I?!
:'''Gumball''':  No, Penny, I think you look—
:'''Penny'''​​​: Don't look at me! ''[Deep voice]'' '''''I'M A MONSTER!'''''
:''[Penny shape-shifts into an amorphous fist, breaks through the wall of Gumball's room, and flies away, now in the form of a gargoyle]''
:'''Gumball''': No, Penny, wait! You look… extraordinary.
:'''Richard''': '''NO!''' It's a tragic misunderstanding that could have been really easily avoided if he just finished his sentence in time!
:'''[Nicole slowly opens the door and the rest of the Wattersons rush into Gumball's room]''
:''[Gumball climbs down the ladder, going after Penny]''                                                 
:'''Gumball''': Penny, please wait!
:'''Nicole''': Gumball!
{{line}}
:'''Patrick''':  What the…? You came out of your shell.
:'''Gumball''': ''[Laughs nervously]'' I know, she looks fantastic, right?
:'''Patrick''':  What have you done? You've turned her into a freak.
:'''Gumball''': A freak…ishly beautiful young lady. ''[Laughs nervously]''
:'''Patrick''': She looks like a pig-
:'''Gumball''': -ture of beauty. Ha ha, absolutely!
:'''Patrick''': You turned my daughter into a monster!
:'''Gumball''': -truck! Of... prettiness?
:''[Penny shrieks as she transforms into a dragon]''
:'''Penny'''​​​:  ''[Deep voice]'' Gumball, please tell my father that the monster's gone to '''''live in the forest,''''' with all the other beasts! ''[Flies away]''
:''[Gumball turns to Patrick, with an angry expression on his face]''
:'''Patrick''': What?
:'''Gumball''': ''[Mockingly imitates Patrick]'' ''Ohh, I wonder why my daughter is upset after I called her a freaky pig monster!''
:''[Gumball hops on the hood of Patrick's car]''
:'''Gumball''': '''&lt;big&gt;''NOW, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SHUT UP! ''&lt;/big&gt;''' Think about what you've done! Do you realize you were wrong?! ''[Patrick nods]'' Good! But don't beat yourself up about it, '''''parenting''''' is hard! Now pop the hood!
:''[Patrick pops the hood of his car, launching Gumball up into the sky, and onto Penny]''
:'''Gumball''': I'm not letting you leave!
Penny​: Gumball, no! You'll get hurt!
Gumball: Ah! Look out! AAH!
:''[A plane approaches them. They barely dodge it]''
Gumball: Penny! Go up go up GO UP!
Penny​: You're too heavy!
Gumball: Aww, man!
===The Burden [3.21]===
===The Bros [3.22]===
:'''Gumball''': What's your best dance move?
:''[Darwin does his best dance move, sliding from side to side in his seat]''
:'''Darwin''': What's yours?
:'''Gumball''': Cossack dance, but there's a problem with it.
:'''Darwin''': What?
:''[Gumball gets off of his seat, and dances. He repeatedly kicks himself in the face as he does so]''
:'''Gumball''': My torso's too short.
:''[They both laugh. Gumball goes back to his seat]''
{{line}}
:''[In the library, Gumball once again tries to propose to Penny. He emerges from behind a bookcase and walks up to her]''
:'''Gumball''': Penny, there's something I need to ask you.
:'''Penny''': Actually, there's something I wanted to say as well.
:'''Gumball''': I know. I totally feel what you feel. Let's say it at the same time. One. Two-
:'''Penny''': We need some space. ''[Gumball gasps and makes a shocked face]'' It's just… until you guys work it out, I kinda feel bad ruining your relationship. You two have something special, you know.
:''[Gumball, still shocked, screams as he runs off - without moving his legs. He screams and glides his way through the hallway, onto the bus, and back through his house until he arrives in his bedroom and finds Darwin waiting there. He is poorly dressed up like Penny]''
:'''Gumball''': Ugh. What are you doing?
:'''Darwin''': Whatever it takes for you to still love me. Is it working?
:'''Gumball''': If by working, you mean making me nauseous then- ''[Gags, then cries]'' But it doesn't matter anyway. Penny's left me! She didn't want to come between us, and it's all your fault! ''[Faceplants and sobs]''
:'''Darwin''': Uh…I didn't mean to come between you two. I-I-I just wanted to spend more time with you. I'm so sorry. Come here- ''[Darwin tries to reach out to Gumball, but Gumball avoids him]''
:'''Gumball''': Wait, this is creepy. ''[Sobbing loudly]'' But I really need a hug! ''[Darwin holds Gumball, and comforts him'']
:'''Darwin''': There, there.
:'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I love her so much it makes my ears sweat?
:'''Darwin''': No, no.
:'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I think about her all the time, even in the bathroom?
:'''Darwin''': ''[Chuckles]'' No.
:'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I bought a ring and I want to ask her to marry me?
:'''Darwin''': Well, yeah. That's-that's completely weird.
:'''Gumball''': Well, it doesn't matter now. It's all ruined!
:'''Darwin''': No, it's not. What if I could give you the perfect setting, the perfect moment?
:'''Gumball''': What do you mean? ''[Darwin begins dancing and imitating R&amp;B music]''
:'''Gumball''': Stop it. That…that's weird.
:'''Darwin''': Mm mm. Come on.
:'''Gumball''': ''[Snickers]'' All right. ''[Joins in dancing with him]'' How are you gonna get a log cabin though? Or a lake? Or a chocolate fountain? And how are you gonna get her to come over?
:'''Darwin''': Come on. Mm mm. ''[He starts dancing towards the door]'' Uh huh. Come on.
===The Mirror [3.23]===
:'''Gumball:''' (sighs) Come on, just say it.
:'''Darwin:''' What?
:'''Gumball:''' Well, I lost all my money, all my friends, and my girlfriend, so you were right to take that curse seriously. Come on, just say &quot;I told you so.&quot;
:'''Darwin:''' I don't know what you take me for, but I get no pleasure out of this. (reaching the house) Let's just hope our family is still there.
:''[Gumball slowly opens the door]''
:'''Gumball:''' (nervously) Hello? Mom? Dad?
:'''Darwin:''' (closes door) Told you so.
:'''Gumball:''' (slapping Darwin) '''STOP, YOU'RE BEING HYSTERICAL!!!'''
:''[Darwin slaps him back. Gumball also slaps back. They both keep slapping each other quickly before stopping]''
:'''Gumball:''' Okay, let's stop. This isn't very constructive.
:'''Darwin:''' Exactly! We're doing this ''my'' way now. We're getting help--magical help.
{{line}}
:'''Darwin''': Why don't we just use the book to defend ourselves?
:'''Gumball''': Great idea!
:''(The Snatcher emerges, and Gumball hits him with the Forbidden Book to distract him.)''
:'''Darwin''': No, I mean use the spells inside!
:'''Carrie''': Don't! The price to pay is too high!
:'''Gumball''': Oh, we don't have a choice! ''(opens the book)'' There, a time-traveling spell. Let's just go through the night! ''Tempus future!''
:''(The spell speeds up the time flow to dawn.)''
:'''Gumball''': Haha! In your ''(suddenly turns old)'' faaaaace....
:''(Gumball walks to the microwave to see his elderly state.)''
:'''Gumball''': Agh! What happened?? ''(Carrie pulls him away before the Snatcher could catch him.)
:'''Carrie''': The price for ''that'' spell was your youth.
:'''Darwin''': Don't worry! There must be a spell to fix that. Here we are! ''Beauteus aeterna!''
:''(Gumball magically gets a facelift to fix his elderly face)''
:'''Gumball''': How do I look?
:'''Carrie''': Eternally surprised.
:''(The Snatcher appears again)''
:'''Gumball''': Look out!
:''(Darwin gasps, but he suddenly shatters apart!)''
:'''Gumball''': What was that?
:'''Carrie''': The price for eternal beauty is his life!
:'''Gumball''': What?! ''(opens the book and finds a revival spell)'' ''Resurrectum mortis!''
:''(Darwin is subsequently revived, but with Frankenstein-esque characteristics. The Snatcher attempts to grab him, but flees from the sun.)''

===The Man [3.24]===
{{line}}
:'''Granny Jojo''': Alright, enough chitchat. Help me up! I don't wanna break a leg before my hot date.
:''[The kids try to lift her out, but she is surprisingly heavy]''
:'''Gumball''': What the weight?! How can someone so small be so heavy?
:'''Granny Jojo''': Well, I have two metal hips, one orthopedic shoe, six gold teeth, a plate in my head and an industrial-strength pacemaker. I've got so much metal in me, I'm legally classified as a motor vehicle. Anyway, where's the rope?
:''[The kids look back to see the rope gone.]''
:'''Gumball''': (to Anais) Didn't I tell you to tie the end to something?
:'''Anais''': (to Darwin) Didn't I tell ''you'' to tie the end to something??
:'''Darwin''': (to no one) Didn't I tell ''you'' to--
:'''Gumball''': Oh, wait. Sorry. My bad. I didn't tell anyone to tie it.
:'''Granny Jojo''': (sighs) We need another plan.

===The Pizza [3.25]===
:'''Gumball''': Uh, what do you want?!
(A microphone goes off.)
:'''Mr. Small''': (through intercom) ''This is our territory, and YOU are now our prey...''
:'''Gumball''': What?! are you planning to eat us?!
(Mr. Small climbs down and approaches the Wattersons.)
:'''Mr. Small''': Yes. I ran out of tofu and soy milk. Say, you guys aren't on any antibiotics, are you? If I have to eat meat, I want it to be organic.
:'''Gumball''': Are you serious?!
:'''Mr. Small''': I'm sorry, but it's survival of the fittest.
:'''Nicole''': Good! Then you won't mind me doing this.
(Nicole grabs Mr. Small and throws him. The other dystopians are dealt with in short order as Nicole easily beats them.) 
:'''Alan''': (to Nicole) HEY!
(Nicole turns toward Alan. She walks toward him before blowing an effortless breath of air, instantly popping him.)
:'''Gumball, Darwin, Anais, Nicole and Richard''': YEAAAAAAAAAH!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nicole''': Why don't we all tell each other about our day, and why we got upset in the first place? I'll go first. I was on my way to work ''[Flashback to Nicole's car being checked by Larry on the side of the road.]'' when the car broke down''.''
:'''Larry:''' Well, the damage is only superficial. ''[Closed car hood]'' So it shouldn't cost more than a hundred dollars.
:'''Nicole:''' A hundred dollar? ''[Breaks headlight]'' Excuse me!?
:'''Larry:''' Better make that two-hundred.
:'''Nicole:''' WHAT!? ''[The sound of her voice breaks the windows.]''
:'''Larry:''' Uh...five-hundred..?
:'''Nicole: &lt;big&gt;WHAT?!!&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[Her car falls apart, destroyed because of her loud voice.]''
:'''Larry:''' ''[yelps]'' &lt;small&gt;seven-fifty...?&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Nicole:''' Before I do what I'm about to do, I want you to know this is not your fault. You're just doing your job, but someone has to suffer for what happened and unfortunately, you're the only one around.
:''[Inhales deeply, suddenly her head grows big and she starts screaming at Larry In the demonic threatening voice.]''
:'''Nicole: You are a worm!! You're a thieving, bottom-feeding, money-grabbing crook!! People like you are squeezing the very last cents out of hard-working families!! YOU'RE THE REASON ICE CAPS ARE MELTING AND BABY POLAR BEARS ARE ''&lt;big&gt;HOMELESS!!&lt;/big&gt;''''' ''[Returns to her normal self, sighing in relief]'' I think that's all there was. Here. ''[Hands Larry a money]''
:'''Larry:''' Uh... Would you like to add a tip?
:'''Nicole:''' Sure, a little extra twelve percent. ''[Inhales deeply, However, Again, Her head grows big and she resumes her demonic Screaming at Larry.]'' '''You're a worthless maggot!! &lt;big&gt;''A POINTLESS LITTLE-''&lt;/big&gt;'''
&lt;hr width='50%'&gt;
:'''Larry''': Why are ''you'' guys here? And why are you dressed like that?
:'''Gumball''': Because, it's the apocalypse, and because… well, it-it's the apocalypse!
:'''Anais''': Society collapsed as soon as you resigned!
:'''Larry:''' But that was only twenty minutes ago.

===The Lie [3.26]===

===The Butterfly [3.27]===
:'''Ms. Simian''': Okay. Break time's over. I can't be bothered to take attendance. So if you're not here, please raise your hand now.
:''[Nothing happens]''
:'''Ms. Simian''':  Good. ''[Sees empty jar; shouts angrily]'' '''&lt;big&gt;''WHERE'S THE BUTTERFLY?!''&lt;/big&gt;'''
:'''Darwin''': Miss Simian, we did the only decent thing and set it free.
:'''Ms. Simian''':  You fools! You've unleashed the sheer '''''destructive power''''' of a butterfly on the world! ''[Takes cover]'' Brace, duck, and cover!
:'''Gumball''': Come on, Miss Simian. Do you really think a little butterfly could—oh, here he is now. Coming back to say hello.
:''[The butterfly lands on his hand]''
:'''Gumball''': ''[Sighs]'' He's so cute. How can anyone believe that something so tiny can destroy a whole town?

===The Question [3.28]===
:''(At the Watterson house...)''
:'''Gumball and Darwin''': '''BREAKFAST!!!''' ''(banging table)'' '''BREAKFAST!!!''' ''(banging table)'' '''BREAK--!'''
:''(Nicole slams down a cereal box.)''
:'''Gumball''': What the what is this? It looks like medieval prison food.
:'''Nicole''': It's cereal - ''real'' cereal.
:'''Darwin''': What's wrong with Smashmallows?
:'''Nicole''': I read the back of the box. This is so unhealthy that by the time you guys turn 13, your double chins will be touching your cankles.
:'''Gumball''': Well, at least the mascot doesn't look like a cowboy goat with high blood pressure.
:'''Darwin''': Please, Mrs. Mom. This cereal is so bleak, that if it were a movie, it would be Danish.
:'''Nicole''': I'm sorry, but the Smashmallows are going in the trash, and that's ''that''.
{{line}}
:''(Their question still left unanswered, Gumball and Darwin mope through the neighborhood, until Gumball rolls over from his sulking.)''
:'''Gumball''': Why isn't anyone able to answer our question?! TELL ME, UNIVERSE -- &lt;big&gt;'''WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE??!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''(In the bowels of space..)''
:'''Uranus''': Quick! I think someone is in need of a cosmic answer.
:'''Mars''': Let's explain the meaning of his pitiful existence in the form of a feel-good song.
:''(And so...)''
''A-one, two, three''

:''If you think you've got a problem, and your life is full of doubt''
:''Remember, in the scheme of things, your life just doesn't count!''
:''To you, a leaf may seem quite small, but to an ant, it's ten feet tall''
:''It's hard to be objective, so we'll offer some perspective''

:''You think there's nothing greater than the planet you call Earth,''
:''But Earth can seem quite skinny next to Neptune's mighty girth!''
:''(Hey!)''
:''(Relax!)''

:''And if you think you've got a problem when you're thinner or you're fatter''
:''Remember, in the scheme of things, your life just doesn't matter''
:''Now, the sun can make us all feel small,''
:'''Cause he's the biggest of us all,''
:''But that's just in the solar system''
:''Bigger things than that exist:''

:''The Milky Way, the galaxy, and don't forget the universe!''
:''It may seem small to others, but they're huge compared to you or us''

:''You're tiny and you're miniscule, irrelevant, a speck''
:''On the dark side of that rock, you're just a measly little fleck''
:''Your life may last a century on Earth or maybe quicker,''
:''But, up here, 100 years is just a flash, a blip, a flicker!''

:''So, when you think you've got a problem and your life is full of doubt''
:''Remember, in the scheme of things, your''
:''Puny, little, tiny, weeny,''
:''Meager, futile, worthless, teeny,''
:''Boring, foolish, pointless, minimal,''
:''Wretched, bleak, obsolete, abysmal''
:''LIFE JUST DOES NOT COUNT!!''
{{line}}
:''(Back on Earth, Gumball and Darwin watch the sun, in their perspective, distortedly hum to the song.)''
:'''Darwin''': What the--? What's up with that?
:'''Gumball''': I don't know, but the joke's on them. By the time they finish their smug little song, the sun would've collapsed under its own mass and exploded, so, pbht! 
===The Saint [3.29]===
:'''Alan'''​​​​: '''AAH!''' Can you please stop making that noise?!
:'''Gumball''': ''What?''
:'''Alan​​​​''': Dragging your feet! It's grating!
:'''Gumball''': Oh, but I don't understand. You mean this? ''[Squeaks floor]''
:'''Alan'''​​​​: ''[Yells]'' '''&lt;big&gt;STOP IT, YOU ''JERK!''&lt;/big&gt;'''
:'''Gumball''': '''YES!''' Ha ha! I finally dragged you down to my level! I knew you could be broken! Oh, I feel so much better about myself. I gotta go tell Darwin!
:''[Gumball runs off, and Alan screams in rage. Then Alan calms down, smiles, and makes his face again]''
:'''Alan​​​​''': ''[Whispering]'' Whatever makes you happy, my friend.
===The Friend [3.30]===
===The Oracle [3.31]===
===The Safety [3.32]===
:'''Video Narrator''': Watch Out, Little Teddy.
:''[Then a teddy bear is seen cooking]''
:'''Video Narrator''':  Little Teddy is very excited, because it's cookie time. But, watch out, Little Teddy…
:''[Little Teddy burns his hands while attempting to bring out some cookies from an oven]''
:'''Little Teddy''': Ow! Ow!
:'''Video Narrator''':  '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND OVENS!'''''
:''[The video switches to Little Teddy looking out from a window, and to a tree with a bird]''
:'''Video Narrator''':  Little Teddy has seen a bird. ''[Little Teddy waves as narrator speaks]'' Hello little bird!
:'''Bird''': Hello!
:'''Video Narrator''':  But, watch out, Little Teddy...
:''[Little Teddy falls out of the window, and hits the ground. The bird perches on Little Teddy's head and pecks his nose]''
:'''Video Narrator''':  '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND WINDOWS!'''''
:''[Little Teddy is seen chasing a butterfly in a field]''
:'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy is having fun in the backyard, with a butterfly. Butterflies are pretty. But, watch out, Little Teddy….
:''[After running a long distance, Little Teddy knocks himself over with a rake]''
:'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND GARDEN TOOLS!'''''
:''[The video transitions to Little Teddy walking to an old woman about to cross a road]''
:'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy is helping a senior citizen. That's kind of you, Teddy. It's nice to be nice.
:''[Little Teddy and the old woman start crossing the road]''
:'''Video Narrator''':  But, watch out, Little Teddy...
:''[Little Teddy puts his arm around the old woman's shoulder, which angers her. The old woman screams, and beats his head with a crowbar until a bump rises from his head]''
:'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND STRANGERS!'''''
:''[As the old woman leaves, Little Teddy is hit by a speeding car]''
:'''Video Narrator''': '''''AND CARS!'''''
:''[The scene flips over, and transitions to Little Teddy dancing inside a circle of singing children]''
:'''Children''': ''[Singing]'' If you're going on adventures, or having lots of fun. Remember to be frightened, being safe is number one.
:'''Little Teddy''': ''[Waving]'' Remember, kids: please take care, 'cause danger's lurking— ''[Little Teddy, along with the video becomes eerily distorted and slowed]'' '''''everywhere.'''''
:''[The camera zooms out from a TV in Miss Simian's classroom. Beside it, Mr. Small is screaming, frightened by the video. Gumball, Darwin, Sarah, Leslie, Masami, Molly, and Tobias, who were watching the video, are frozen with horrified expressions on their faces]
:'''Mister Small'''​​​​​: Okay. Everyone, take the rest of the day off. I'm just gonna—
===The Society [3.33]===
:''(Prinicpal Brown gives Gumball detention (as Gumball's punishment) for accidentally doing wrong things)''
{{line}}
:'''Banana Joe''': (storms away from Gumball)
{{line}}
:'''Idaho''': (storms off)
===The Spoiler [3.34]===
{{line}}
'''Gumball''': Finally, it's Saturday: check! Got my allowance: check! Affordable candy 'cause the stuff at the movies is a total rip-off: check! Blankets because they always go nuts with the air conditioning: check! Clippers in case someone with big hair sits in front of us: check! A red carpet to make us feel special: check! I'm ready to see the film and I'm spoiler-proof for the journey. Here we go!

===The Countdown [3.35]===
:''[Darwin draws a watch onto his wrist. Seeing the time, he gasps before rushing to the room]
:'''Darwin''': Wake up! We're gonna be late for school!
:'''Gumball''': ''(sighs)'' I'll get up when the alarm goes off.
:'''Darwin''': But you've already pressed the snooze button!
:'''Gumball''': That was five minutes ago.
:'''Darwin''': That was an hour ago! Snooze time goes faster than regular time.
:'''Gumball''': ''(sighs)'' I just found the perfect position.
:''[Darwin pulls the cover off, revealing Gumball in a potentially bone-breaking position]''
:'''Darwin''': Dude, it looks like you fell from the seventh floor.
:'''Gumball''': Come on, just another minute.
:'''Darwin''': ''[carrying Gumball]'' No, we're already late! See?
:''[Outside, the bus drives away, causing the boys to panic]''
{{line}}
(Gumball and Darwin return to school.)
:'''Gumball''': Okay, all we need to do is set the clock back to &quot;0&quot;, and everything will be fine. Spin it!
:[Darwin spins the clock, sending the boys through time. They stop in a dystopian future]
:'''Gumball''': Uh, dude, I think you spun it too far...
:[An explosion occurs]
:'''Gumball''': Let's go back a little.
:[Gumball spins the clock again, this time sending them to space--the exact moment it was created via the Big Bang]
:'''Gumball''': ''(silently, via subtitles)'': [That was a big bang!] (To Darwin) [Too far back?]
:[Darwin nods. Gumball spins the clock again.]
===The Nobody [3.36]===

===The Downer [3.37]===
:'''Gumball''': If you're all hiding so I'd get up, I would like to point out that technically I haven't left my bed, so you don't win! Fine! ''[Throws his mattress off his back]'' If everyone is really gone, then no one would mind if I did this.
:''[Gumball has a weird looking face and knocks over a lamp, the lamp hits the TV, that knocks over and hits a shelf, stuff on the top of the shelf like a vase, falls and then a vase bounces back up and hits the shelf back to where it was, the shelf knocks the TV back where it was, then the TV hits the lamp then hits Gumball, and then he falls]''
:'''Gumball''': ''[Looks around, rubbing his cheek]'' Aaaaaa- it hurts, ''[Making weird movements]'' ''Ahhhh-'' I think I fractured my nose and sprained an ear or something. ''Aa!'' I think I need very expensive medical help, unless someone gave me a ''magic kiss?'' ''[Thinks and extends his mouth to his cheek, giving himself a kiss]'' What is going on here? ''[Gasp]'' I made a terrible wish ''[Starts to tear up]'' and now my whole family have disappeared! ''[Grouchy face]'' Good.
===The Egg [3.38]===

===The Triangle [3.39]===
:'''Prinicpal Brown''': (throws Gumball out of the locker room and on the ground.)
{{line}}
:'''Gumball''': (pushes Leslie for inserting gum in and sabotaging Darwin's whistle) NOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Leslie''': THE SOLO IS MINE, NOT DARWIN'S! HE STOLE MY SPOTLIGHT, AND FLOWERS NEED LIGHT TO GROW!
:'''Gumball''': (pushes Leslie) Dude, you're a flower boy who plays a flute in a school band. You don't want this to get violent!
:'''Leslie''': You were talking to someone who was a dancer since the year he was born in! (slaps Gumball and punches and kicks Gumball to give him a black eye)
:'''Gumball''': What I meant (takes the Archie head off) (Gumball's black eye and swollen face are shown.) was violence is never the answer, dude. You're supposed to be happy for your friend's success. This isn't about Darwin being good at something, it's about you refusing to make the effort to better yourself, and you know what the definition of that kind of person is?
:'''Leslie''': You!
:'''Gumball''': Exactly.
:'''Leslie''': No, I don't want that to happen!
:'''Gumball''': So, why don't we just enjoy the success of our friend even if it means that we get left behind?
:'''Leslie''': You're right!
:'''Gumball''': Quick, he's about to play the solo!
(Outside, all eyes turn to Darwin as a drumroll plays over...and over...and over to signal his cue. Under stage fright, he plays his whistle, but it comes out more shaky and lacking in resonance, causing the crowd to boo him.)
:'''Man''': He's terrible!
(However, Gumball and Leslie righteously nod to congratulate their friend.)
===The Money [3.40]===
:'''Gumball''': Rocky! We need to get to the mall so we can sell out and make a load of cash!
:'''Rocky''': Oh, sure. No probs- ''[Starts to glitch out before he can finish his sentence]''
:''[The bus starts moving but the glitching begins to infect the bus and everything it comes in contact with. The Wattersons scream as the bus glitches out of control but their screams are temporarily switched to lovely-sounding tweeting birds as the sound begins to cut in and out as well. The bus then glitches into the air before falling back down smoothly, phasing through the ground. The bus then hits Doughnut Sheriff and Mr. Robinson who were glitched as well]''
:'''Donut Cop''': Arrrgh!!!
:'''Gaylord''': ROAD HOoOoGGS!!!
:''[The bus continues to glitch and the Wattersons continue to scream as the bus begins to break down. The sound begins to drop in quality as well]''
:'''Gumball''': We need to get out of here!
:''[The family jumps out of the bus as it continues to disintergrate to nothing. The family then runs towards the mall]''
:'''Nicole''':  We got to sign that contract before there is nothing left of Elmore!
:''[The environment then immediately switches from a barely 3D environment to a storyboard as the Wattersons are running through the Mall Parking lot]''
:'''Richard''': ''[Muffled]'' We're... almost... there!
:'''Gumball''': ''[Muffled]'' Are you sure? Cos' it doesn't look like we're moving.
:''[The panels then begin to speed up as the Wattersons are apparently moving faster than before]''
:'''Darwin''': ''[Muffled]'' AAARGH! ''''''Too faaast!!!'''''
:'''Gumball, Darwin, Anais, Nicole and Richard''': '''''WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!!'''''
:''[Their speed boosts up, which allows them to break through the storyboard panel borders and tear through the entrance of the mall. After they crash through the door, the environment is reduced to a hand-drawn background and the Wattersons become sticky notes]''
:'''Gumball''': ''[Muffled]'' Where's Joyful Burger?!
:'''Nicole''':  ''[Muffled]'' It's that way! [Points in a direction]''
:'''Anais''': ''[Muffled]'' Err... it's over there. ''[Sticks her thumb in the opposite direction]''
:''[Nicole's arm is suddenly erased]''
:'''Nicole''':  '''''AAAAAAAHHH!!!!''''' ''[Only for it to be drawn back pointing in the right direction]'' Oh. I meant that way.
:''[The Wattersons run into Joyful Burger, now crude post-it note drawings]''
:'''Nicole''':  We'll do the commercial!
:'''Larry''': ''[In a computer-generated voice with Australian accent]'' Then hurry up before it's too late!
:''[The Wattersons, except Gumball, all sign the contract, causing their animation and the environment to revert back to normal, while Gumball remains a sticky note]''
:'''Nicole''':  Quick, Gumball!
:'''Richard''': Come on, sign it!
:''[The camera cuts to Gumball, still a post-it note drawing. He grabs the pencil on the contract]''
:'''Gumball''': ''[Puts down pencil]'' Wait. Are we really going to become clichés of ourselves just to sell a few burgers? Isn't there a way to survive in this world without selling out? Not everything has a price! Some things are more precious than money! Like dignity! Freedom! Love! Sorry, Larry, but you could have all the money in the world and you still couldn't afford the Wattersons!</text>
      <sha1>m21vmu6l5u3phbnm3ekch4v3pqern1i</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Georg Bätzing</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>272673</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607395</id>
      <parentid>3500943</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:25:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="1006" sha1="nnafp8863wuwatmja75zs0rb92pvxii" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Georg Bätzing|Georg Bätzing]]''' (13 April 1961) is a German prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Limburg|Diocese of Limburg]].

== Quotes ==  

* It is absolutely clear that there are matters that we can only discuss at the level of the Universal Church. We will contribute from Germany with our reflections. However, I would like to reject the accusation repeatedly used of us being schismatics or of wanting to detach ourselves as the German national Church from Rome. Our bond with Rome and the Holy Father is very tight.
** [https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/247561/german-catholic-bishops-leader-we-are-not-schismatics German Catholic bishops’ leader: We are not ‘schismatics’ (6 May 2021) ''Catholic News Agency'']

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bätzing, Georg}}
[[Category:1961 births]]
[[Category:Catholics from Germany]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Loud House (season 8)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>274080</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607130</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:46:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:89FD:B598:9B0F:2925</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business [8.6a] */</comment>
      <origin>3607130</origin>
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      <text bytes="25384" sha1="90koxaf5xna3w4veqst37jymnvg4nch" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are in their rental double-decker bus with Rita driving while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
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'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Loud family arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in Marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
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'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Loud family arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in Marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Loud family arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Loud family arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Loud arrive at the Swiss Alps in Switzerland while getting sick from the twisty roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Loud family arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Louds arrive at the Swiss Alps in Switzerland while getting sick from the twisty roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Louds arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Louds arrive at the Swiss Alps in Switzerland while getting sick from the twisty mountain roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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      <text bytes="27083" sha1="bqbdjvrjs9lb312sqf4rhuhffjg8543" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Louds arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said we we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza? Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Louds arrive at the Swiss Alps in Switzerland while getting sick from the twisty mountain roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Henrik''': You are amazing! I've never seen anyone eat an entire apple strudel in one bite! How do you do it?
:'''Lynn''': It's all about loosening your jaw. I could show you, like, you know, if you want to hang again tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn and Henrik are sitting on a log drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows]''
:'''Henrik''': I'm sorry ''ze'' Snow Fury took up ''ze'' whole day. I wanted us to hang out more before you leave tomorrow.
:'''Lynn''': Me too. It's been awesome getting to know you…and junk. Here's to our last date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori &amp; Leni''': Best crush coaches ever!

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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      <text bytes="27083" sha1="pruaoht7jelj17d3y8sij4a9colb5sd" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Louds arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said, &quot;we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza?&quot; Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Louds arrive at the Swiss Alps in Switzerland while getting sick from the twisty mountain roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Henrik''': You are amazing! I've never seen anyone eat an entire apple strudel in one bite! How do you do it?
:'''Lynn''': It's all about loosening your jaw. I could show you, like, you know, if you want to hang again tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn and Henrik are sitting on a log drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows]''
:'''Henrik''': I'm sorry ''ze'' Snow Fury took up ''ze'' whole day. I wanted us to hang out more before you leave tomorrow.
:'''Lynn''': Me too. It's been awesome getting to know you…and junk. Here's to our last date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori &amp; Leni''': Best crush coaches ever!

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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'''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]'''
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==Episode 1==
===''Homeward Bound'' [8.1a]===
:''[The Louds are all setting up decorations around the house to welcome Lori back]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides if golf is really her future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln gathers his other sisters in his room for a meeting]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is terrible!
:'''Lynn''': The worst!
:'''Lana''': It stinks!
:'''Lincoln''': We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.
:'''Lucy''': We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.
:'''Lisa''': Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. ''[accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the ''worst'' possible places to live?
:'''Lynn''': How are we supposed to pull that off?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[weeping]'' Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. ''[sniffles sadly, then sees all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously]'' Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.
:''[Luan puts on her Sunny Holmes wig and chuckles sheepishly]''
:'''Lori''': ''[twitching and loses it; yelling strongly in fury]'' &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/span&gt; ''[grabs Lincoln by the shirt collar and pulls him up close]'' Explain, now!
:'''Lincoln''': We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.
:'''Lori''': ''[sighs as she puts her brother down]'' Classic. I should have known.
:'''Luan''': Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.
:'''Lincoln''': I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

===''Pressure Cooker'' [8.1b]===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' It's the monthly potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!
:'''Scoots''': How much longer?
:'''Pop Pop''': Ooh, it should be any second now!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[walking over]'' It's potluck night. Why don't you guys have plates full of food?
:'''Pop Pop''': We're not eating because we don't want to fill up before--
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[off-screen]'' Dessert!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Greetings, food truckers! I just replaced two stoves and a fridge at Lynn's Table, and I thought you could use the old ones. ''[comes out of the van]'' You know, as an entrepreneur myself, I can tell you that running your own business is very rewarding. But it requires a lot of hard work, patience, and compromise.
:'''Gayle''': Oh, I'm not worried. Clyde and I are always...
:'''Clyde &amp; Nana Gayle''': In sync. ''[they react in surprise, then laugh and fist bump]''

==Episode 2==
===''Steeling Thunder'' [8.2a]===
:'''Lincoln''': Our school's having a film festival, so Clyde and I are submitting a movie. ''This'' movie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chandler''': Pfft. Big whoop. I've jumped out of planes before.
:'''Trent''': You mean the one on the playground?
:'''Chandler''': Shut it, Trent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chef Pat''': Loud, your movie changed my life! ''[dips some pizza sticks on Lincoln's tray]'' Have some extra pizza sticks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Lincoln, why did you lie to everyone? I have hives ''for'' you.
:'''Lincoln''': What? It wasn't completely lying. I did the bounce house stunt.
:'''Clyde''': ''You'' almost fell off the roof. Lynn jumped from a plane onto another plane. It's not the same!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I know and I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And look at all these pizza sticks. ''[munches on one]'' You remember when I was voted &quot;most likely to trip over nothing?&quot; Being cool like this is new for me. Maybe we could just go with it for a while?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Okay, everyone, pop quiz time! ''[Lincoln and all the other students groan]'' Everyone except Loud. You already got an A for this semester! That was some movie. Let's go hang in the teacher's lounge and swap broken bone stories, huh?
:'''Lincoln''': Okay!
:''[Chandler angrily breaks his pencil; later in gym class…]''
:'''Coach Keck''': Today, we're running sprints, a lot of 'em. ''[The students all groan]'' The puke cans in this corner, except Loud. He's practically a pro athlete. You can chill in my coach cave and enjoy the talents of my masseuse, Hans.
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks, but I'll just read comics.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Being a celebrity's awesome! So far, I see no downside.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[reading]'' '''''&quot;Lincoln &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LAME&lt;/span&gt;sauce is a &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;LIAR.&lt;/span&gt; Hosted by Chandler. Come see the &lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;PROOF!&lt;/span&gt; Screening in the lunchroom!&quot;''''' Oh, no!
:'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure no one sees that clip! ''[gets on the computer, opens up Chandler's files, and trashes the two documents of his and Clyde's movie and the clip of Lynn as his stunt double; relieved]'' Okay, I deleted everything. ''[then finds something else on the computer]'' Whoa, Clyde, look what else I found. ''[he and Clyde look at each other and snicker sinisterly]''

===''Be Careful What You Fish For'' [8.2b]===
:''[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[inhales deeply and sighs]'' Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[inhales deeply, then gags]'' Ugh. It smells really… ''[gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up]'' Fishy.
:'''Lance &amp; Shiloh''': ''[also showing up]'' Louds!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn Sr.''': Louds!
:''[Shiloh happily tackles Lincoln and the two adult brothers fist bump]''
:'''Leonard''': Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! ''[hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Us too! ''[kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh]'' You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
:'''Leonard''': But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… ''[starts to sob]'' Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.

==Episode 3==
===''Only Mime Will Tell'' [8.3a]===
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Now that you passed the physical test, it's time for the mental one. Your challenge is to remain silent for the rest of the day. Now, according to the rules of &quot;The Official Mime Code Book…&quot; ''[lifts up an imaginary codebook]'' Benny, a little help? ''[Benny walks up; places the &quot;book&quot; on his back]'' That means, no texting, writing, ''or'' communicating in any form other than mime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lola''': Luan! I need to practice my hairstyling on someone for the Little Miss Safety Scissors Pageant. What do you say? ''[Luan reacts in horror and tries to mime in denial, rubbing her hair and clutching her ponytail as well; misunderstanding]'' You're saying your ponytail is outdated and you need a new hairdo? Couldn't agree more. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey-o! I need someone to help me with the deadlift set before my pre-workout wears off. Can one of you spot me?
:'''Lola''': Actually, you can spot me...leaving this conversation. ''[walks off]''
:'''Lynn''': How 'bout it, Luan? ''[Luan shows her arm muscle drooping, trying to mime in denial; misunderstanding]'' You need to build up those noodle arms? Ah, couldn't agree more. Let's do this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? Gotta make a few returns. ''[the other siblings dash down and exit the house]'' I'll take that as a yes. Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! ''[leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone]''
:''[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]''
:'''Fish Lady Deb''': Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[speaking out loud]'' MRS. B! DON'T EAT THAT LOBSTER! IT'S GONE BAD!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps]'' Huh? ''[smells the lobster and retches]''
:''[Tyler, Scoots, and Kotaro look down at the lobster and react in disgust]''
:'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[shocked]'' Luan, do you know what you've just done?!
:'''Luan''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' Yes, I spoke. I broke the cardinal rule of miming, and now I'm breaking it again by telling you about it. I guess I'm not cut out for the Varsity Team. ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Mrs. Bearnado''': Dear sweet baby child, what are you talking about? Let me read you something from the mime codebook. ''[places the imaginary codebook on the table]'' Lucky for you, I never leave home without it. Alright, let's see... Ah, here it is: &quot;Mimes are to remain silent at all times... Unless another person is put in harm's way&quot;! Luan, you ''did'' follow the rules! You spoke to save me! You're a hero!

===''The Winning Spirit'' [8.3b]===
:'''Lucy''': And thus the nightmare begins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Coach Pacowski''': ''[to Lucy]'' So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!
:''[Zoom in on Lucy's horrified face when Coach Pacowski's words echo in her head; She imagines the two of them as elders at Sunset Canyon with her struggling to weight lifts and Pacowski in a wheelchair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?
:'''Bertrand''': All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.
:'''Boris''': And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.
:'''Haiku''': There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…&quot;sporty?&quot;
:'''Lucy''': Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.
:'''Morticians''': Magic!
:'''Morpheus''': Complaining.
:'''Lucy''': Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.
:''[At the Loud House; the Morticians are gathered in Lucy and Lynn's room with a cauldron for potion ingredients]''
:'''Dante''': ''[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed]'' Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.
:'''Persephone''': A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.
:''[Dante, Morpheus, and Haiku gaze at the sorceress kit in awe]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Persephone''': This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. ''[twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]''
:'''Baby Lucy''': Waah.
:'''Persephone''': Whoops, wrong direction. ''[tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision]'' Whoops, too far. ''[tries to change her again but she stops her]''
:'''Elderly Lucy''': I have to pee before you change me back. ''[slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom]'' Can't hold it like I used to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[After Lucy swaps Coach Pacowski's coffee with Persephone's potion while he wasn't looking, it ends up transforming into a lizard]''
:'''Haiku''': ''[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something]'' Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? '''&quot;May cause dizziness or lizardness.&quot;'''
:''[Lizard Pacowski walks off and the Morticians follow him]''
:'''Persephone''': ''[stunned, then fed up]'' Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. ''[kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]''
:'''Lucy''': ''[panting while catching up]'' Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

==Episode 4==
===''InTODDnito'' [8.4a]===
:'''Darcy''': Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! ''[gives Lisa her birthday invitation]''
:'''Lisa''': Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.
:'''Darcy''': Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.
:'''Lisa''': He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.
:'''Petey''': ''[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up]'' I'm okay!
:'''Darcy''': ''[runs off]'' Thanks, bestie!
:'''Lisa''': ''[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti]'' Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet]'' '''So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?'''
:'''Lisa''': ''[sighs]'' No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. ''[gasps]'' Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? ''[looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps]'' Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.
:'''Todd''': '''There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. ''[takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]''
:'''Todd''': '''Gulp.'''
:''[After working all night, Lisa has remodeled Todd down to her height and dresses him up as her]''
:'''Lisa''': And we are finished! ''[gasps]'' It's like looking in a mirror.
:'''Todd''': '''Twinsies.''' ''[he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off]''
:'''Lisa''': You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. ''[gasps and takes out her tablet]'' Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.
:'''Todd''': '''Ahem.''' ''[talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice]'' '''Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm ''so'' much smarter than everyone.'''
:'''Lisa''': Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. ''[puts it in her ear, under her hair]'' With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Tall Timber's Park; All the little kids are gathered for Darcy's birthday party as Todd (disguised as Lisa) arrives]''
:'''Todd''': '''I have arrived at the destination.'''
:'''Lisa''': Excellent. Mission is a go.
:'''Darcy''': ''[approaching]'' Lisa, you're here!
:'''Todd''': ''[imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth.''' ''[exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]''
:'''Lisa''': Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice]'' '''Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.'''
:''[The little kids are all shocked at first, but then cheer]''
:'''Lisa''': Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. ''[firmly]'' Just do not let it happen again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!
:'''Big Wheels''': ''[mishearing]'' Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.
:'''Lisa''': No, no, no, no. No…!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.'''
:'''Big Wheels''': Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.
:'''Todd''': '''What?! No!''' ''[blasts off]'' '''Lisa!'''

===''Weather or Not'' [8.4b]===
:''[As Lincoln and Clyde enter the store, a gust of wind blows in and Nacho takes a whiff, chittering in surprise when he senses something]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Flip. What's up?
:'''Flip''': The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. ''[Nacho immediately stops him, telling him to take an umbrella, knowing that it's going to rain; speechless]'' Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? ''[walks outside]'' There's not a cloud in the sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. ''[only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary]'' See? Nothing but sunshine. ''[falls flat on the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Nacho is taking a bath in the Flippee machine and splashes some blue Flippee on a customer]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.
:'''Clyde''': Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.
:''[The customer opens the store door as he leaves and a gust of wind blows in towards Nacho as he takes a whiff of it and visualizes several weather types circling above his head; opens his eyes and chitters, raising and waving his arms in the air]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Nacho says, &quot;Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy.&quot;
:'''Clyde''': We'd better bring a light jacket.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! ''[chuckles]'' And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.
:'''Patchy''': Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... ''[a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused]'' And a hook coming in from the west? ''[gets pulled away]''
:'''Katherine''': ''[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered]'' I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? ''[Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her]'' I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… ''[gets hit in the face by a snowball]'' and snowy today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Patchy is now working at Flip's Food and Fuel, much to his disappointment after he was fired from his last job as a weatherman two weeks earlier]''
:'''Flip''': Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired ya 'cause I felt sorry for ya. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! ''[leaves]''
:'''Patchy''': ''[sighs; stands up and salutes]'' Right, boss. ''[grabs a microphone and speaks into it]'' Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by the store and are taken by surprise when they hear Flip bawling over sending Nacho away and hurry inside]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, Flip?
:'''Clyde''': Is everything okay?
:'''Flip''': ''[grabs Clyde by the shirt collar]'' I SENT MY BEST FRIEND AWAY FOR MONEY, AND NOW I MISS HIM! ''[shakes him roughly and lets him go as he continues sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[catching his dizzy friend]'' Why don't you call Nacho and tell him that? I bet he misses you, too.
:'''Clyde''': ''[shakes out his dizziness]'' Yeah, Dr. Lopez always says that expressing your feelings is the expressway to healing.

==''Europe Road Trip: A Knight to Remember [8.5]''==
:''[The Louds are driving in their rental double-decker bus while visiting London, England]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! ''[steers the bus on the left side]''
:'''Rita''': I always forget they drive on the ''left'' side in England. Everyone okay back there?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[popping up in front of the viewers]'' Welcome to London! So, do Louds do it across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our ''whole'' family! That's right. We traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan to London, England.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Wow. Mick is incredibly limber.

==Episode 6==
===''Europe Road Trip: Nonna Your Business'' [8.6a]===
:''[The Louds arrive at Italia Napoli in Naples, Italy on foot]''
:'''Lincon''': ''[to the viewers] Bonjourno'' from Naples, Italy. We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe me if I said, &quot;we've been bag-packing for miles to get pizza?&quot; Oh, you would. Well, anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions are just… a little hard to follow, and not just because they're written in marinara sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''This'' is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
:'''Nonna''': ''[in Italian accent; off-screen]'' The sauce never lies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[stunned by Leni speaking in Italian language while eating the world's best pizza]'' Fascinating. It appears the taste experience was so stimulating, it re-wired Leni's brain, making her fluent in Italian.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[disturbed when Lucy takes out her scythe]'' Please tell me you knew we'd be harvesting wheat today.
:'''Lucy''': Uh, sure...

===''Europe Road Trip: Alpining Away'' [8.6b]===
:''[The Louds arrive in Swiss Alps, Switzerland after getting sick from the twisty mountain roads]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dizzy]'' Who knew those Swiss Alps roads could be so twisty? ''[holds in his barf]''
:'''Lynn''': I told you guys before, if you want an iron belly, you need to up that annual meatball sub at take.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Henrik''': You are amazing! I've never seen anyone eat an entire apple strudel in one bite! How do you do it?
:'''Lynn''': It's all about loosening your jaw. I could show you, like, you know, if you want to hang again tomorrow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn and Henrik are sitting on a log drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows]''
:'''Henrik''': I'm sorry ''ze'' Snow Fury took up ''ze'' whole day. I wanted us to hang out more before you leave tomorrow.
:'''Lynn''': Me too. It's been awesome getting to know you…and junk. Here's to our last date.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lori &amp; Leni''': Best crush coaches ever!

==Episode 7==
===''Europe Road Trip: A Bite in Transylvania'' [8.7a]===
===''Europe Road Trip: Greece is the Word'' [8.7b]===

==Episode 8==
===''Kara-less Whisper'' [8.8a]===
===''Dollars and Scents'' [8.8b]===

==Episode 9==
===''Bulking and Sulking'' [8.9a]===
===''Wild Goss Chase'' [8.9b]===

==Episode 10==
===''The Weakest Ink'' [8.10a]===
===''Sales Forced'' [8.10b]===

==''Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind'' [8.11-8.12]==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dressed as Commander Nick Fox]'' Attention, all crew. Get to an evacuation pod. As for me, I'm going down with the Andromeda. ''[salutes]'' It's crew before commander on this ship. BRACE FOR IMPACT!! ''[to the viewers]'' Don't worry, I'm not really dead. ''[stands up]'' Tonight is Halloween, and I'm just getting into character. I'm going as Commander Nick Fox. He's the star of an old sci-fi movie that me and my friends are obsessed with… ''Planet Protection Patrol''…or as we call it, ''Triple-P.'' It's about a group of space soldiers who protect the earth from evil aliens. We're each going as a member from the crew. I picked the commander because we're a lot alike: Handsome, daring, ready for anything!
:'''Lucy''': ''[opens the door, dressed as a skeleton, accidentally knocking him over]'' Apologies, Lincoln, but we need you to test out the haunted house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[from outside]'' Hey, Lincoln! We're here!
:'''Lincoln''': Coming! Mom, Dad, can I trick-or-treat with my friends for a bit? I promise I'll be home by 8:00 to help with the haunted house.
:'''Rita''': Of course.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You bet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Stella''': ''[gets in Chandler and Trent's faces; angrily]'' Oh, leave us alone and take your bad breath somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Nice going, Chandler.
:'''Lori''': You're literally the worst.
:'''Chandler''': I'm so over all this. Chandler, out.

==Episode 13==
===''Trouble Brewing [8.13a]''===
===''The Cling and I [8.13b]''===

[[Category:The Loud House|season 8]]</text>
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    <title>Agatha All Along</title>
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'''''[[w:Agatha All Along (miniseries)|Agatha All Along]]''''' is a 2024 Disney+ original series following the character Agatha Harkness following the events of ''[[WandaVision]]'' as she assembles a coven to walk the witches road so she can get her powers back.&lt;!-- If anyone owns the legal copyright to any picture that is related to Agatha All Along please place that picture here so it can be used --&gt;

===''Seekest Thou the Road'' [1.1]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': Who's the victim? Is she dead?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Agnes O'Connor&quot;''': Now, why do you assume it's a woman?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': I don't know. Sounds more titillating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness''': ''[to Señor Scratchy, after being freed from Wanda's spell]'' I got mugged, mister. She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances. We gotta get back on top.

===''Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate'' [1.2]===
:'''Lilia Calderu''': What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness' coven? 
:'''Agatha Harkness''': Not looking for right minded witches, as it happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Babies are delicious. How old are you? 410? 415? 
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' How dare you?
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh, I apologize. You don't look a day under 450.
:'''Teen:''' Years old? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' You get, what, maybe two suckers a day in here, and twenty bucks later, you're sitting on a bed that's also your wall. Don't you miss the glory days?
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' When I was chased out of every village I passed through for accurately predicting tragedy? No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' ''[after &quot;Teen&quot; reveals her current involvement in a series of class-actions lawsuits for damage to health]'' I haven't been convicted of anything.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Yet. Historically, we as a group don't do well in courtrooms. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' The charge has a surprisingly lenient penalty, just, like, payouts, and maybe, like, five years in prison. But 800 counts of it? Starts to get a little life-y.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Wait. So you're magically bound, and you're about to get literally bound. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' None of this pedestrian drama would be an issue for a powered-up witch. 
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' You think I haven't tried everything to unbind, you freaky little miscreant? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Hey!
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' You've tried everything but The Road.

===''Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials'' [1.3]===
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' [Referring to having Sharon Davis, someone not experienced in magic at all] Well, whoever she is, she has no business on The Road. 
:'''Sharon Davis:''' That's what I'm saying.
:'''Teen:''' Anyone can be a witch with training.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Which puts the rest of us in even more danger and we don't even know what we're up against.
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' &quot;Tame your fears.&quot; That's what we're up against. Our worst nightmares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Hey, a bit of advice.
:'''Teen:''' Yeah?
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Watch your back with Agatha. 
:'''Teen:''' I know how people feel about her.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Did you know she traded her own child for the Book of the Damned?
:'''Teen:''' That can't be true.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Nah. Yeah, you're probably right. But that is what people say. They say no one really knows what happened to him. They say he might be dead. Others say he might be a demon or an agent of Mephisto. But hey, that's what happens when you have Agatha Harkness as your mom, right? I doubt she'd even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep.

===''If I Can't Reach You Let My Song Teach You'' [1.4]===
:'''Alice Wu-Gulliver:''' ''[while meeting Rio]'' So, you're a Green Witch?
:'''Rio Vidal''': Less ''a'' Green Witch. More... ''[in a demonic voice]'' ''the'' Green Witch.

===''Darkest Hour, Wake Thy Power'' [1.5]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' ''[about using broomsticks]'' Why does your generation hate them so much?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lilia Calderu:''' Brooms have been co-opted by the holiday industrial complex as an absurd emblem of our culture. Worse yet, they're an obvious symbol of female domesticity.
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jennifer Kale:''' And they're basic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' So that's what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No. Not for me. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Agatha Harkness:''' ''[laughs, then lowers her voice]'' Are you sure? You're so much like [[w:Wanda Maximoff (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|your mother]].

===''Familiar By Thy Side'' [1.6]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Live in the now, baby. It's the only thing that's certain

===''Death's Hand in Mine'' [1.7]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' I loved being a witch.

===''Follow Me, My Friend / To Glory At the End'' [1.8]===

===''Episode 9'' [1.9]===


[[Category:Television]]
[[Category:Miniseries]]
[[Category:Superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Horror]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney+ shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[Category:Works about women]]
[[Category:Television shows]]</text>
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        <id>3106105</id>
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      <text bytes="5520" sha1="fh5unl607hf6rf5dybq4iicu1wzjmuq" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Agatha All Along (miniseries)|Agatha All Along]]''''' is a 2024 Disney+ original series following the character Agatha Harkness following the events of ''[[WandaVision]]'' as she assembles a coven to walk the witches road so she can get her powers back.&lt;!-- If anyone owns the legal copyright to any picture that is related to Agatha All Along please place that picture here so it can be used --&gt;

===''Seekest Thou the Road'' [1.1]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': Who's the victim? Is she dead?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Agnes O'Connor&quot;''': Now, why do you assume it's a woman?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': I don't know. Sounds more titillating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness''': ''[to Señor Scratchy, after being freed from Wanda's spell]'' I got mugged, mister. She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances. We gotta get back on top.

===''Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate'' [1.2]===
:'''Lilia Calderu''': What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness' coven? 
:'''Agatha Harkness''': Not looking for right minded witches, as it happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Babies are delicious. How old are you? 410? 415? 
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' How dare you?
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh, I apologize. You don't look a day under 450.
:'''Teen:''' Years old? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' You get, what, maybe two suckers a day in here, and twenty bucks later, you're sitting on a bed that's also your wall. Don't you miss the glory days?
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' When I was chased out of every village I passed through for accurately predicting tragedy? No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' ''[after &quot;Teen&quot; reveals her current involvement in a series of class-actions lawsuits for damage to health]'' I haven't been convicted of anything.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Yet. Historically, we as a group don't do well in courtrooms. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' The charge has a surprisingly lenient penalty, just, like, payouts, and maybe, like, five years in prison. But 800 counts of it? Starts to get a little life-y.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Wait. So you're magically bound, and you're about to get literally bound. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' None of this pedestrian drama would be an issue for a powered-up witch. 
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' You think I haven't tried everything to unbind, you freaky little miscreant? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Hey!
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' You've tried everything but The Road.

===''Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials'' [1.3]===
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' [Referring to having Sharon Davis, someone not experienced in magic at all] Well, whoever she is, she has no business on The Road. 
:'''Sharon Davis:''' That's what I'm saying.
:'''Teen:''' Anyone can be a witch with training.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Which puts the rest of us in even more danger and we don't even know what we're up against.
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' &quot;Tame your fears.&quot; That's what we're up against. Our worst nightmares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Hey, a bit of advice.
:'''Teen:''' Yeah?
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Watch your back with Agatha. 
:'''Teen:''' I know how people feel about her.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Did you know she traded her own child for the Book of the Damned?
:'''Teen:''' That can't be true.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Nah. Yeah, you're probably right. But that is what people say. They say no one really knows what happened to him. They say he might be dead. Others say he might be a demon or an agent of Mephisto. But hey, that's what happens when you have Agatha Harkness as your mom, right? I doubt she'd even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep.

===''If I Can't Reach You Let My Song Teach You'' [1.4]===
:'''Alice Wu-Gulliver:''' ''[while meeting Rio]'' So, you're a Green Witch?
:'''Rio Vidal''': Less ''a'' Green Witch. More... ''[in a demonic voice]'' ''the'' Green Witch.

===''Darkest Hour, Wake Thy Power'' [1.5]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' ''[about using broomsticks]'' Why does your generation hate them so much?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lilia Calderu:''' Brooms have been co-opted by the holiday industrial complex as an absurd emblem of our culture. Worse yet, they're an obvious symbol of female domesticity.
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jennifer Kale:''' And they're basic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' So that's what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No. Not for me. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Agatha Harkness:''' ''[laughs, then lowers her voice]'' Are you sure? You're so much like [[w:Wanda Maximoff (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|your mother]].

===''Familiar By Thy Side'' [1.6]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Live in the now, baby. It's the only thing that's certain

===''Death's Hand in Mine'' [1.7]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' I loved being a witch.

===''Follow Me, My Friend / To Glory At the End'' [1.8]===

===''Maiden Mother Crone'' [1.9]===
:'''Agatha''': I do tend to kill my coven members.
:'''Billy''': So do I.


[[Category:Television]]
[[Category:Miniseries]]
[[Category:Superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Horror]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney+ shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[Category:Works about women]]
[[Category:Television shows]]</text>
      <sha1>fh5unl607hf6rf5dybq4iicu1wzjmuq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607538</id>
      <parentid>3607387</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T11:43:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>LanceHolwitt</username>
        <id>3185716</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Maiden Mother Crone [1.9] */</comment>
      <origin>3607538</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5538" sha1="cx03leoc96gmbic8d1cgevhabgkt8sk" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Agatha All Along (miniseries)|Agatha All Along]]''''' is a 2024 Disney+ original series following the character Agatha Harkness following the events of ''[[WandaVision]]'' as she assembles a coven to walk the witches road so she can get her powers back.&lt;!-- If anyone owns the legal copyright to any picture that is related to Agatha All Along please place that picture here so it can be used --&gt;

===''Seekest Thou the Road'' [1.1]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': Who's the victim? Is she dead?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Agnes O'Connor&quot;''': Now, why do you assume it's a woman?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': I don't know. Sounds more titillating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness''': ''[to Señor Scratchy, after being freed from Wanda's spell]'' I got mugged, mister. She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances. We gotta get back on top.

===''Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate'' [1.2]===
:'''Lilia Calderu''': What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness' coven? 
:'''Agatha Harkness''': Not looking for right minded witches, as it happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Babies are delicious. How old are you? 410? 415? 
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' How dare you?
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh, I apologize. You don't look a day under 450.
:'''Teen:''' Years old? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' You get, what, maybe two suckers a day in here, and twenty bucks later, you're sitting on a bed that's also your wall. Don't you miss the glory days?
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' When I was chased out of every village I passed through for accurately predicting tragedy? No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' ''[after &quot;Teen&quot; reveals her current involvement in a series of class-actions lawsuits for damage to health]'' I haven't been convicted of anything.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Yet. Historically, we as a group don't do well in courtrooms. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' The charge has a surprisingly lenient penalty, just, like, payouts, and maybe, like, five years in prison. But 800 counts of it? Starts to get a little life-y.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Wait. So you're magically bound, and you're about to get literally bound. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' None of this pedestrian drama would be an issue for a powered-up witch. 
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' You think I haven't tried everything to unbind, you freaky little miscreant? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Hey!
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' You've tried everything but The Road.

===''Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials'' [1.3]===
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' [Referring to having Sharon Davis, someone not experienced in magic at all] Well, whoever she is, she has no business on The Road. 
:'''Sharon Davis:''' That's what I'm saying.
:'''Teen:''' Anyone can be a witch with training.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Which puts the rest of us in even more danger and we don't even know what we're up against.
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' &quot;Tame your fears.&quot; That's what we're up against. Our worst nightmares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Hey, a bit of advice.
:'''Teen:''' Yeah?
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Watch your back with Agatha. 
:'''Teen:''' I know how people feel about her.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Did you know she traded her own child for the Book of the Damned?
:'''Teen:''' That can't be true.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Nah. Yeah, you're probably right. But that is what people say. They say no one really knows what happened to him. They say he might be dead. Others say he might be a demon or an agent of Mephisto. But hey, that's what happens when you have Agatha Harkness as your mom, right? I doubt she'd even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep.

===''If I Can't Reach You Let My Song Teach You'' [1.4]===
:'''Alice Wu-Gulliver:''' ''[while meeting Rio]'' So, you're a Green Witch?
:'''Rio Vidal''': Less ''a'' Green Witch. More... ''[in a demonic voice]'' ''the'' Green Witch.

===''Darkest Hour, Wake Thy Power'' [1.5]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' ''[about using broomsticks]'' Why does your generation hate them so much?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lilia Calderu:''' Brooms have been co-opted by the holiday industrial complex as an absurd emblem of our culture. Worse yet, they're an obvious symbol of female domesticity.
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jennifer Kale:''' And they're basic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' So that's what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No. Not for me. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Agatha Harkness:''' ''[laughs, then lowers her voice]'' Are you sure? You're so much like [[w:Wanda Maximoff (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|your mother]].

===''Familiar By Thy Side'' [1.6]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Live in the now, baby. It's the only thing that's certain

===''Death's Hand in Mine'' [1.7]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' I loved being a witch.

===''Follow Me, My Friend / To Glory At the End'' [1.8]===

===''Maiden Mother Crone'' [1.9]===
:'''Agatha Harkness''': I do tend to kill my coven members.
:'''Billy Maximoff''': So do I.


[[Category:Television]]
[[Category:Miniseries]]
[[Category:Superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Horror]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney+ shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[Category:Works about women]]
[[Category:Television shows]]</text>
      <sha1>cx03leoc96gmbic8d1cgevhabgkt8sk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607539</id>
      <parentid>3607538</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T11:44:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>LanceHolwitt</username>
        <id>3185716</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Follow Me, My Friend / To Glory At the End [1.8] */</comment>
      <origin>3607539</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5536" sha1="hovjxkrxu99ve8hla19nsag0iarg6ui" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Agatha All Along (miniseries)|Agatha All Along]]''''' is a 2024 Disney+ original series following the character Agatha Harkness following the events of ''[[WandaVision]]'' as she assembles a coven to walk the witches road so she can get her powers back.&lt;!-- If anyone owns the legal copyright to any picture that is related to Agatha All Along please place that picture here so it can be used --&gt;

===''Seekest Thou the Road'' [1.1]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': Who's the victim? Is she dead?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Agnes O'Connor&quot;''': Now, why do you assume it's a woman?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Dottie Jones&quot;''': I don't know. Sounds more titillating.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Harkness''': ''[to Señor Scratchy, after being freed from Wanda's spell]'' I got mugged, mister. She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances. We gotta get back on top.

===''Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate'' [1.2]===
:'''Lilia Calderu''': What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness' coven? 
:'''Agatha Harkness''': Not looking for right minded witches, as it happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Babies are delicious. How old are you? 410? 415? 
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' How dare you?
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Oh, I apologize. You don't look a day under 450.
:'''Teen:''' Years old? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' You get, what, maybe two suckers a day in here, and twenty bucks later, you're sitting on a bed that's also your wall. Don't you miss the glory days?
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' When I was chased out of every village I passed through for accurately predicting tragedy? No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' ''[after &quot;Teen&quot; reveals her current involvement in a series of class-actions lawsuits for damage to health]'' I haven't been convicted of anything.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Yet. Historically, we as a group don't do well in courtrooms. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' The charge has a surprisingly lenient penalty, just, like, payouts, and maybe, like, five years in prison. But 800 counts of it? Starts to get a little life-y.
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Wait. So you're magically bound, and you're about to get literally bound. 
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' None of this pedestrian drama would be an issue for a powered-up witch. 
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' You think I haven't tried everything to unbind, you freaky little miscreant? 
:'''Agatha Harkness:''' Hey!
:'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' You've tried everything but The Road.

===''Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials'' [1.3]===
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' [Referring to having Sharon Davis, someone not experienced in magic at all] Well, whoever she is, she has no business on The Road. 
:'''Sharon Davis:''' That's what I'm saying.
:'''Teen:''' Anyone can be a witch with training.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Which puts the rest of us in even more danger and we don't even know what we're up against.
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' &quot;Tame your fears.&quot; That's what we're up against. Our worst nightmares.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Hey, a bit of advice.
:'''Teen:''' Yeah?
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Watch your back with Agatha. 
:'''Teen:''' I know how people feel about her.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Did you know she traded her own child for the Book of the Damned?
:'''Teen:''' That can't be true.
:'''Jennifer Kale:''' Nah. Yeah, you're probably right. But that is what people say. They say no one really knows what happened to him. They say he might be dead. Others say he might be a demon or an agent of Mephisto. But hey, that's what happens when you have Agatha Harkness as your mom, right? I doubt she'd even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep.

===''If I Can't Reach You Let My Song Teach You'' [1.4]===
:'''Alice Wu-Gulliver:''' ''[while meeting Rio]'' So, you're a Green Witch?
:'''Rio Vidal''': Less ''a'' Green Witch. More... ''[in a demonic voice]'' ''the'' Green Witch.

===''Darkest Hour, Wake Thy Power'' [1.5]===
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' ''[about using broomsticks]'' Why does your generation hate them so much?
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Lilia Calderu:''' Brooms have been co-opted by the holiday industrial complex as an absurd emblem of our culture. Worse yet, they're an obvious symbol of female domesticity.
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Jennifer Kale:''' And they're basic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''&quot;Teen&quot;:''' So that's what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No. Not for me. 
:&lt;div align=&quot;justify&quot;&gt;'''Agatha Harkness:''' ''[laughs, then lowers her voice]'' Are you sure? You're so much like [[w:Wanda Maximoff (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|your mother]].

===''Familiar By Thy Side'' [1.6]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' Live in the now, baby. It's the only thing that's certain

===''Death's Hand in Mine'' [1.7]===
:'''Lilia Calderu:''' I loved being a witch.

===''Follow Me, My Friend To Glory At the End'' [1.8]===

===''Maiden Mother Crone'' [1.9]===
:'''Agatha Harkness''': I do tend to kill my coven members.
:'''Billy Maximoff''': So do I.


[[Category:Television]]
[[Category:Miniseries]]
[[Category:Superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Horror]]
[[Category:2020s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Disney+ shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[Category:Works about women]]
[[Category:Television shows]]</text>
      <sha1>hovjxkrxu99ve8hla19nsag0iarg6ui</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Helldivers 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>275342</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607028</id>
      <parentid>3604844</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T16:00:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Amcarra27</username>
        <id>3180824</id>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607028</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23379" sha1="06zhmkoamvqucpwy3ckxywpsxydcvap" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|Helldivers 2}}''''' is a 2024 cooperative third-person shooter game developed by Arrowhead Game Studios and published by Sony Interactive Entertainment. The game is the direct sequel to ''{{w|Helldivers}}'', a 2015 top-down shooter. The premise is set a century after the triumph of &quot;Super Earth&quot;, a self-described {{w|guided democracy|managed democracy}}, over the Cyborgs, Bugs, and Illuminate during the events of the first game. Now taking place in the Second Galactic War, Super Earth relies on the elite shock troops called the Helldivers, with the aim to exterminate alien threats, colonize planets and spread their high values across the galaxy.

== Helldiver dialogue ==
* ''[upon landing down]'' Helldiver, reporting to the front.
* ''[upon landing down]'' [[Democracy]] has landed.
* ''[upon landing down]'' Point me to the [[enemies|enemy]].
* ''[upon landing down]'' Ready to Liberate.
* ''[upon landing down]'' Joining the fray.
* ''[upon collecting a sample]'' This sample should greatly aid in the [[war]] effort.
* ''[upon collecting a sample]'' Another sample collected for Democracy.
* ''[upon collecting a sample]'' Democracy fills my sample container.
* ''[upon collecting a sample]'' Rare sample collected/acquired.
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' Get some! GET SOOOOME!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' Have a taste of Democracy!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' How'd you like the taste of [[Freedom]]?
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' How about a nice cup of [[Liberty|Liber-''tea'']]?
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' You will never destroy our [[wikt:way of life|way of life]].
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' Freedom forever!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' SAY HELLO ''TO DEMOCRAAAACCYYYYYYY!!!!''
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' FOR SUPER EAAAAARRRTTHHHH!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' KILL 'EM ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' FREEEEEEDDDDOOOOOM!!!
* ''[upon killing enemies]'' AHHHHH HA HA HA!!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Requesting advanced weaponry/air support!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Orbital/support weapon inbound!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Freedom requires firepower.
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Calling in reinforcements!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Sending in an Eagle!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Liberty save me!
* ''[upon throwing a stratagem]'' Eat this!
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' Sweet Liberty, my arm/leg!
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' I'm losing so much blood!
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' Flag-forsaken leg's slowin' me down.
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' Gotta fix this Liberty-forsaken arm/leg.
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' Cannot. Liberate. Effectively. With injured arm.
* ''[upon being mortally wounded]'' I need stims!!!
* ''[upon restoring health]'' My life/body for Super Earth!
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Must defend [[Prosperity]]!
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Freedom never rests/sleeps!
* ''[upon restoring health]'' A little shot o' Liberty.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Democracy needs me.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' [[Injury]]? What injury!
* ''[upon restoring health]'' No pain no Freedom.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Helldivers never die.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Whatever it takes.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Feels gooooood.
* ''[upon restoring health]'' Not today!

== Democracy Officer ==
* Greetings, Helldiver. The Galactic War awaits.
* You're here. The Galaxy awaits your [[salvation]].
* Helldiver, take [[command]] of the Galaxy's liberation.
* The [[siege]] upon Managed Democracy continues. Let us rally to her defence.
* The hour of our next [[victory]] rapidly approaches. Let us cleanse the Galaxy of alien scum.
* The freedom of the Galaxy remains in [[wikt:jeopardy|jeopardy]]. Let us join the fight.
* Managed Democracy calls for [[help|aid]]. Only you can answer, Helldiver.
* Innocents [[wikt:perish|perish]] with every wasted second. We must act.
* Liberty's enemies [[wikt:marching|march]] ever closer.
* Lady Liberty's calls for aid haunt my [[dreams]].
* Every [[stars|star]] is a [[w:distress signal|distress beacon]], crying out for Liberation.
* Every moment we [[w:Rumination (psychology)|ruminate]], another [[family]] is torn [[wikt:limb from limb|limb from limb]]. We must strike.
* Your fellow Helldivers [[anger|rage]] against the enemy's [[tyranny]]. Join them.
* Helldivers across the Galaxy are fighting for every inch of [[territory]]. Where will you join them?
* We must give no less than the entirety of our [[being]] in service to Freedom.
* A true servant of Freedom keeps no [[companionship|companion]], save Damsel Democracy herself.
* Our enemies forsook [[mercy]] long ago. [[Oblivion]] is all that awaits them now.
* The enemy may [[anticipation|anticipate]] but one outcome: '''total [[annihilation]].'''
* Managed Democracy offers true Freedom: Freedom from the [[wikt:burden|burden]] of [[choice]].
* The people of Super Earth look to us for [[hope]]. And we will [[wikt:deliverance|deliver]] it—one enemy corpse at a time.
* I only [[regret]] that I have but one ship's worth of lives to give to our cause.
* Ours are the hands that will tear [[wikt:asunder|asunder]] the binds of tyranny.
* Go now, and should you fall, remember this: Every day is a good day to [[death|die]] for Democracy.
* Let them come. Let them brawl. Let them face the [[wikt:insurmountable|insurmountable]] [[strength|might]] of the Helldivers.
* Go now—and fear the shadow of neither death nor tyranny, for [[Justice]] is your cause.
* The [[fate]] of all humanity's [[children]] are in your hands. Do not let them fall.
* You are the [[wikt:best of the best|best of the best]]. Live up to your name. Live up to Freedom.
* Today the [[light]] of Liberty will grace the skies of this world once more.
* ''[after successful extraction]'' Today you've carved another foothold in the long climb to Liberty.
* ''[after successful extraction]'' Another [[victory]] for the right side of history.
* ''[after successful extraction]'' You have maintained our way of life.
* ''[after successful extraction]'' Victory was never in [[doubt]].
* ''[after successful extraction]'' Democracy [[wikt:prevail|prevails]] once more.
* ''[after mission failure]'' Return, refit, and redeploy to purge the stain of this [[failure]] with the [[w:peroxide|peroxide]] of victory.
* ''[after mission failure]'' Defeat is but the [[wikt:catalyst|catalyst]] of its own [[wikt:rectification|rectification]].
* ''[if Helldiver leaves mission area]'' They [[abandonment|abandoned]] our mission and our cause. Execution was our only choice.
* ''[if Helldiver leaves mission area]'' There is but one sentence [[wikt:commensurate|commensurate]] to the crime of treason.
* I realized long ago that [[death]] in the [[defense]] of Freedom was not a [[tragedy]] to be [[lamentation|lamented]], but a [[sacrifice]] to be [[reverence|revered]].
* All of [[posterity]] shall either prosper in Liberty, or [[suffering|suffer]] in [[wikt:bondage|bondage]]. That [[determination]] is our [[duty]].
* As the [[Chain of command|chain]] does not [[scrutiny|scrutinize]] the [[brevity]] of its links, neither does Liberty [[mourning|mourn]] the [[transience]] of a Helldiver's service.
* Here at war, you may cast your [[elections|vote]] many times. Once on Election Day, and another with every [[w:bullet|bullet]] buried in an enemy combatant.
* Remain ever-[[wikt:vigilance|vigilant]] for [[wikt:deceit|deceit]] and [[betrayal|treachery]]. They can take root in the smallest of cracks.
* [[w:Dissident|Dissidents]] sow their [[lying|lies]] in the smallest of fractures, Helldiver. Stay vigilant.
* The lives of [[Humanity]]'s [[present]] are a crumb; the lives of Humanity's [[future]], a boundless loaf.
* We fight them, but we cannot forget that the Terminids are the [[wikt:ichor|ichor]] of Democracy itself.
* The Terminids are a [[force]] to be harnessed, not a [[wikt:scourge|scourge]] to be cleansed. Liberty demands our [[temperance]].
* The Terminids spent decades [[contentment|content]] on the E-710 [[farm]]s. Now their most destructive [[instinct]]s run rampant, to the [[wikt:detriment|detriment]] of all.
* Managed Democracy is a watchful [[w:shepherd|shepherd]], [[wikt:guidance|guiding]] the [[wikt:will|will]] of the people so they do not stray from [[safety]].
* Though we are the most powerful fighting force the [[universe]] has ever seen, we are naught but humble [[service|servants]] before Managed Democracy.
* When the undemocratic [[wikt:din|din]] of our enemies has at last been silenced, we shall finally perceive the unsullied [[wikt:peal|peal]] of Democracy, reverberating [[eternity|evermore]].
* The [[w:torch|torch]] of Freedom is passed hand to hand, from one thawed hero to the next. They may bear it for one hour or one minute, but there is always another to keep it from going out.
* In the First Galactic War, we cast the Illuminate from our galaxy, and secured the half-human Cyborgs safely in the mines of Cyberstan. Our enemies in this war will do no better.
* The Helldivers receive their [[order]]s from the Ministry of Defence, and I mine from the Ministry of Truth. That way, the hands of Liberty are [[wikt:intertwined|intertwined]].
* Tyranny is a [[cancer]], and Managed Democracy is the [[remedy|cure]]. And you, Helldiver, shall administer the [[medicine|antidote]].
* The final [[w:absolution|absolution]] of [[wikt:xenocide|xenocide]] is a [[wikt:mellifluous|mellifluous]] [[wikt:clarion|clarion]] guiding our path.
* There is but one assured path to [[peace]]... '''and that path is war.'''

== Ship Master ==
* Welcome aboard, Helldiver, and congratulations on completing your training.
** The Galactic War needs you.
** The Super Destroyer is yours.
** I look forward to serving with you.
** Always good to have another [[heroes|hero]] onboard.
** Now that you're here, the war is as good as won.
** We can never have too many heroes fighting for peace.
* You [[inspiration|inspire]] me, Helldiver. You inspire us all.
* There's nothing sweeter than victory in the name of Freedom.
* Our enemies can fight as hard as they like, but Freedom always wins.
* Keep up the good work, Helldiver. Once we win, the planets we're fighting over will finally be allowed to prosper. Like the rest of the [[Federation]].
* Keeping things running around here isn't easy, but if that's how I can best serve Liberty, I'll do it gladly.
* Mission accomplished, Helldiver. [[Neil Armstrong|One small step]] for Democracy, one giant leap in the death count of our enemies.
* No Helldivers [[w:killed in action|KIA]] on that mission. This is cause for [[celebration]].
* Mission complete without a single [[w:friendly fire|friendly fire]] incident. That will save paperwork.
* Welcome back, Helldivers. Your comrades who didn't return will rest easy knowing that this mission had a lower than average [[w:Casualty (person)|casualty]] rate.
* Every Helldiver lost is an unspeakable [[tragedy]], but this mission had fewer unspeakable tragedies than average.
* This mission required fewer heroes to make the ultimate sacrifice than normal.
* Many sacrifices were made today. '''We will never forget.'''
* Watching Helldivers in action is great for crew [[morale]]. It's even better than a... dissident [[capital punishment|execution]].
* Stay vigilant, Helldiver. [[Complacency]] plays right into the hands of dissidents.
* Liberty rests on your shoulders, Helldiver. I know you can bear the weight.
* The more we fight, the more it becomes clear that our enemies will never accept our way of life. '''It's us or them.'''
* The enemies on the [[w:battlefield|battlefield]] are one thing, but at least they're out in the open. It's the traitors among us I truly [[hatred|hate]].
* [[w:Ammunition|Ammo]], [[w:fuel|fuel]], [[wikt:personnel|personnel]]—I manage everything on this ship with one thing in mind: making sure you have the [[wikt:support|support]] you need, Helldiver.
* The Democracy Officer is here to optimise our [[Citizenship]]. We're lucky—we should always strive to be the best Citizens we can be.
* Even though the First Galactic War ended almost 100 years ago, we're still enjoying the Freedom those heroes fought and died for. Maybe in another 100 years, our [[wikt:descendant|descendants]] will be doing the same.
* When I get [[w:exhaustion|exhausted]], I just think of all the brave Super Earth colonists out there settling new planets. '''They do their part, and we do ours.'''
* Some of the crew like to talk about what they'll do when the war's over. I don't allow that sort of thing—we need to [[wikt:focus|focus]] on the fight.
* If we don't stop the Bugs' mindless [[w:reproduction|reproduction]], the burden's going to fall on our children. And our children's children.
* The Bots are simple enough. Little more than bits of metal welding to a gun and a [[w:Central processing unit|CPU]], with a single overriding directive: '''kill.'''
* You know, the problem with the Bugs is that they're relentless [[w:Expansionism|expansionists]]. In their region of space, we've found them on nearly every planet we've settled.
* Here's the problem with the Bots, Helldiver: Their whole society revolves around [[violence]]. If they actually won the war, they'd have no idea how to function.
* I thought we had a lot of planets when I was a kid, but we've settled dozens more since then. A few generations from now, and the entire [[Milky Way]] will be one [[unity|united]] Democracy.
* The Destroyer is mighty, but it's not Super Earth's greatest weapon. No, that is Managed Democracy—the one thing our enemies can ''never'' [[understanding|understand]].

== Service Technician ==
* You're doing Democracy's work.
* Proud to serve by your side, sir.
* You truly are one of Liberty's greatest heroes.
* Helldiver! Every day, you put yourself at risk to defend Freedom and Liberty, and I just wanna say... Thank you.
* I don't know how you do it, Helldiver. Facing off against [[monster]]s who haven't got a democratic [[bone]] in their body. If they even have bones.
* Hey there, Helldiver. I know you put your neck on the line for regular folks like me every day. It's not much, but I [[charity|donate]] 15% of every one of my [[w:paycheck|paychecks]] to the War Fund. It's the least I can do.
* Before I joined the service, I'd never left my home planet. Now I see a new planet almost every day. Makes me [[gratitude|appreciate]] what a [[beauty|beautiful]] Democracy it'll be once we finish stomping out those [[Fascism|Facist]] bugs.
* When I face Super Earth for the Vow of [[Allegiance]] every morning, I can almost always feel where it is. Even in a brand-new part of the galaxy.
* You ever run into any equipment issues, let me know. I've got your back.
* Ship's in top shape, Helldiver. Ready to dispense Democracy wherever you choose.
* Flag-forsaken Bots. They just [[refusal|won't accept]] Freedom, no matter how hard we give to 'em.
* As much as I hate the Bugs, I hate dissidents even more. They were handed Freedom, and chose to spit in its face. Death is too good for 'em.
* If I were a Helldiver, I think my favourite enemy to kill would be the Bugs. It's gotta be real [[satisfaction|satisfyin']], hearin' 'em crunch under your boot.
* If I were a Helldiver, I think my favourite enemy to kill would be the Bots. I bet watchin' 'em spark and [[w:explosion|explode]] really lights up your Freedom-lovin' [[heart]].
* Super Earth really is the best place to live in the entire galaxy, isn't it? Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I [[imagination|imagine]] what it would be like to live there.
* Democracy is kind of like these [[machine]]s I work on. It needs regular [[w:maintenance|maintenance]] to keep running smoothly. And the Bugs are sort of like if...[[w:Bug (engineering)|bugs]] got into one of these machines. The only thing to do would be to [[wikt:extermination|exterminate]] 'em.
* You know, sometimes as a technician, you gotta realize when something's beyond repair. When it comes to these Automatons, there's no fixing 'em. Only [[wikt:solution|solution]] is to [[wikt:wipe the slate clean|wipe the slate clean]].
* When I was a kid, I always loved [[Halloween|All Heroes' Eve]]. The adults would all dress up as Bugs and ring our doorbells, and we'd have to fire three shots in the air and say &quot;No Facism here, insects!&quot; At the end of the night, they'd re-enact the Battle of Liberty Peak, and we'd all get cake.
* I can't wait to get [[home]] again. It's the little things you miss, y'know? Like sitting in candlelight on Heroes' Day, chanting with my family and [[wikt:renew|renewing]] our [[vows]] of Citizenship together.
* If I had all the Super Credits in the galaxy, I'd try to find some way to [[wikt:convince|convince]] our enemies to [[acceptance|embrace]] Freedom. Maybe print a trillion [[w:pamphlet|pamphlets]], or build a billion interplanetary [[w:Radio broadcasting|radio stations]], something to break through whatever [[propaganda]] they're feedin' 'em. *sighs* But that's just a [[wikt:pipe dream|pipe dream]]. We gotta kill 'em all.
* Back when I was a kid, the local Loyalty Officer would give us sweets for [[w:Whistleblowing|telling him what was going on]] with the adults around town. Things they were sayin', where they were headed, that sort of stuff. Nice to look back and know you were helping keep everyone safe, even if you didn't know it.
* I heard that some dissidents wanted us to select our own candidates instead of using the [[algorithms|algorithm]]. *scoffs* Great idea. Everyone'll just become a [[politics|political]] expert overnight. Treasonous morons.
* I heard dissidents [[w:arson|set another weapons factory on fire]]. They didn't take [[responsibility]], of course. Tried to [[blame]] it on &quot;[[wikt:working conditions|working conditions]].&quot; Tell that to the 27 dead patriots and their families.
* Nobody back home can believe I get to talk to Helldivers every day. I don't blame 'em—all of us had Helldiver [[w:poster|posters]] all over our bedrooms growin' up. I still have to [[w:Pinch (action)|pinch]] myself sometimes.
* When I need [[motivation]], I like to read ''The Helldiver Ethos''. Picks me right up. Sometimes I read too much and get overly motivated and kinda jittery and need to put it down.
* Sometimes, I almost [[sympathy|feel bad]] for our enemies, livin' without Democracy. No say over their own lives, just [[belief|believin']] whatever they're told. It's sad.
* Whenever the war gets me down, I try to remember that at least I'm a free citizen. It's up to me how I serve Super Earth. Can't [[wikt:take for granted|take that for granted]].

== General Brasch ==
* ''[catchphrase]'' BRASCH TACTICS! Use 'em or die tryin'!
* ''[addressing fire modes]'' Ah, the simple joy of unloading round after round into the bodies of your enemies. Oh yeah, that's good. But if you get carried away... '''Your shooting days are over!''' Elite soldiers adjust their fire mode, so they can keep the killin' goin' all day long. Oh yeahhh, ''that's gooood.''
* ''[addressing injuries]'' Young bucks always think they're [[wikt:invincible|invincible]]. And while they are mostly right, the fact of the matter is that Helldivers with broken arms '''cannot aim!''' Helldivers with broken legs '''cannot run!''' And Helldivers with serious injuries to their [[w:Organ (biology)|vital organs]] will '''bleed out before they can say &quot;Death to my enemies!&quot;''' So next time you find yourself unable to run, aim or stay alive, stick yourself with a STIM, soldier!
* ''[addressing cover]'' You will get shot at. But remember your ABCs and you will never die. '''Always. Be. Taking Cover.''' Because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that bullets do not go through cover... assuming that cover is thick and largely impenetrable.

== Ship TV ==
* There is no one way to prove your [[devotion]] to Super Earth. But there is one best way. '''Become a Helldiver. Become a hero. Become a [[legend]].'''
* War. It brings us [[wikt:together|together]]. It makes us [[strength|stronger]]. And it leads to countless new [[technology|technologies]], some of them related to saving lives. '''This, is why we fight.'''
* Helldivers are willing to give their lives to [[protection|protect]] our Liberty. '''Helldivers: all heroes wear capes.'''
* Super Earth has created the most advanced weaponry in the galaxy. Our power is in your hands.
* Helldivers. Protectors of humanity. [[wikt:paragon|Paragons]] of Democracy. Heroes to their very core. Do you have what it takes?
* There is no greater [[honor]] than defending our way of life. '''Remember, winning is more [[importance|important]] than [[living]]!'''
* Do not think of [[rebellion|Rebels]] as fellow humans. If our ideals are alien to them, then they are aliens to us.
* Bugs, as essential as they are [[wikt:vile|vile]]. Never forget: Element 710 extraction is just as important as [[wikt:eradication|eradication]]!
* Reminder: Element 710 is safe and {{w|environmentally friendly}}. Any [[rumors]] of E-710 spills are the work of dissidents seeking to [[wikt:undermine|undermine]] our way of life.
* In the first intragalactic war alone, the Bugs accounted for the deaths of one hundred and eighty-nine million Super Earth citizens. Many of them [[infant|babies]]. Don't let the Bugs kill babies—fight the good fight!
* You may have won countless battles, but how many [[w:Thoughtcrime|thoughtcrimes]] have you reported? Remember, REAL heroes fight on every front—even the front within.
* Have any of your friends or family members been behaving [[wikt:unpatriotically|unpatriotically]]? If so, report them to your local Loyalty Officer for immediate [[w:Re-education|reeducation]]. '''Remember, Freedom dies in Silence!'''
* Every day, millions of soldiers have their names inscribed upon the Wall of Martyrs. Show your support. Purchase one of Super Earth's exclusive Martyrs Day celebration packages!
* Thanks to Super Earth's mandatory Freedom of Assignment program, every citizen gets to select which [[government]]-provided [[career]] best suits their dreams.
* No one likes a [[complaints|complainer]]. If your living conditions aren't to your liking, just remember, aliens could kill us all at any moment.
* [[Journalism|Report]] all signs of [[wikt:dissidence|dissidence]] to your local Loyalty Officer. Remember—heroes report, [[cowardice|cowards]] stay silent.
* Crack open one of the Automaton's battery packs, and you'll find bot technology is powered exclusively by [[injustice]].
* Why would you grant [[rights]] to an Automaton? After all, you wouldn't grant rights to a [[w:dishwasher|dishwasher]]. 
* [[History]] matters! Today, we remind you that Super Earth has always been, and always will be.
* Give everything to the cause! Remember: [[apathy]] is Liberty's greatest enemy.
* Don't worry. Top Super Earth [[scientists]] have proven that bugs don't feel [[pain]].
* Remember, it's not that Super Earth hates aliens. '''It's that aliens hate Freedom.'''
* There is only one choice that truly matters: '''Democracy or... Treason.'''
* The celebration of Liberty Day is mandatory. And... [[fun]]!
* Never forget: we are all one Super Earth.
* [[w:Skepticism|Skepticism]] is treason. Treason is bad.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Helldivers 2}}
[[Category:2024 video games]]
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    <title>Deadpool &amp; Wolverine</title>
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      <text bytes="33087" sha1="3dervj0pk6cyb4lzqarh40w243k8rrn" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Deadpool_&amp;_Wolverine_Logo.svg|thumb|Look, we know the title of this thing so I know what you're wondering: how are we gonna do this without dishonoring [[Logan (film)|Logan]]'s memory? Well, I'll tell you how. We're not.]]
'''''[[w:Deadpool &amp; Wolverine|Deadpool &amp; Wolverine]]''''' is a [[w:Black comedy|black comedy]] [[w:Superhero film|superhero]] 2024 film based on the [[Deadpool (series)|comic book series of the same name]] and serves as a sequel to the 2018 film ''[[Deadpool 2]]''.

: ''Directed by [[w:Shawn Levy|Shawn Levy]]. Screenplay by [[w:Rhett Reese|Rhett Reese]], [[w:Paul Wernick|Paul Wernick]], Shawn Levy, [[w:Zeb Wells|Zeb Wells]], and [[w:Ryan Reynolds|Ryan Reynolds]].''

== Wade Wilson / Deadpool ==
* ''[narrating after mumbling the [[w:Marvel Studios|Marvel Studios]] fanfare.] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! That logo music just gets you ''pumped!'' Right? I'm sorry, I'm just-- I'm excited to be here. It's been a while. You know, for a long time, I wasn't sure I'd ''ever'' be back. [[w:Acquisition of 21st Century Fox by Disney|Disney bought Fox]], there was a whole boring rights issue, blahbiddie-blahbiddie-blah. But then it turned out they wanted ''me!'' The one guy who shouldn't even ''have'' his own movie, much less a franchise. Marvel's so stupid! Look, we know the title of this thing, so I know what you're wondering: How are we gonna do this without dishonoring [[Logan (film)|''Logan'']]'s memory? And I'll tell you how: We're ''not''.
* I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to ride with you, Log. You and me, getting into it? Deadpool and Wolverine just fucking shit up! Can you imagine the fun? The chaos? The residuals?
* There are 206 bones in the human body. 207 if I'm watching ''[[Gossip Girl]]''.
* I'm done. I'm done, and I'm ''fine'' with being done. Look, is sales the best match? Probably not. Is this the life I always imagined for myself? ''Fuck no!'' But this is the right fit for me, sugar bear. It is.
* The Sacred Timeline. I assume I'm going to Marvel at how Cinematic it feels? Gratuitous cameos? Indiscriminate use of Variants, the whole package?
* Suck it, Fox. [[w:I'm going to Disney World!|I'm going to Disneyland.]] Get fucked!
* I'm more of a &quot;one week on, one week off&quot; kinda guy. I think it's what they do in Denmark. You know, you'll never see a Danish flag on the moon, but... Goddammit, they're happy.
* ''[Discovering Logan's comics-accurate X-Man suit]'' Ooh! Look at those jammies. That only took twenty fuckin' years!
* I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about because that hairy thunder-cunt from down under-cunt finally dies, and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?! ''[to Wolverine]'' Welcome to the [[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|MCU]], by the way. You're joining at a bit of a low point.
* Behold! The precious head of your queen, [[Mad Max: Fury Road|Furiosa]]! I have the Wolverine! I alone control her! You come for me... you come for her!
* Huh! [[w:Paul Rudd|Paul Rudd]] finally aged.
* This isn't a car! This is a Honda fuckin' Odyssey. Throttle response sucks a cock, dated infotainment system. When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was making a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to ''compete!''
* I did not lie, I made an educated wish!
* I don't know anything about saving worlds. Why would I even care? Because my entire world is right here in this picture. It's only nine people and I have no idea how to save it alone. I know how to fuck people up for money, but you! YOU — know how to save 'em! At least the other Wolverine did... I guess I'm stuck with the worst one!
* God, he loved his face! I can taste his final thought. He was so afraid...
* You know, [[The Avengers (2012 film)|the Avengers discovered shawarma]].
* Everyone wants to matter. Turns out you don't need Marvel Jesus to do it. You just need to open your eyes and look around. And if you're lucky, you'll find a few friends. Old friends... And some new ones, too.
* Turns out, I am the world-saving type. Just look around this table if you want proof. The best part? Sometimes, the people we save... Well, they save us right back.

== James &quot;Logan&quot; Howlett / Wolverine ==
* You know what? You're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my ''entire life'' and that says a lot 'cause I've been alive for more than two hundred fucking years, and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing: You will ''never'' save the world! ''You'' couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn ''stripper!'' Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of '''''GOD'S BEST JOKES THAT YOU ''CAN'T'' DIE,''''' '''''EXCEPT THAT'S ON ALL OF US!''''' ''[Deadpool looks down, silently enraged]'' What, you got nothin' to say, ''MOUTH?!''
* I'm wearing this suit, and that means a lot of things, but most of all... it means I'm an X-Man. ''[to Cassandra]'' And I know your brother. As much as I wanna fucking kill you -- every bone in my body wants to ''fucking kill you!'' -- he wouldn't let me stand here and watch you die. ''[to Deadpool]'' Take your hands off. ''[to Cassandra]'' This is for him. This is for Charles.
* You got a whole world to go back to. I got nothing. I got nothing. Give me this.
* For the first time in my life, I'm ''proud'' to wear this suit. It means I'm an X-Man. I'm ''the'' X-Man.
* Give me the fucking dog. Talk to the girl.

== Cassandra Nova ==
* The Void is a paradise. I can wield my power here without shame. Unfortunately, I had no Charles Xavier to teach me temperance. What about your Charles? Did he protect you? Did he make you feel safe?
* You're so lost, Mr. Wilson. And long before you came here.
* You two escaping, I could live with. But coming back? ''Willingly?'' Boys are ''so'' silly.
* I can't send you home unless you get this thing off my head! And as soon as you do that, I'm going to boil your brains on an atomic level whilst flicking my bean to the ''Enya'' box set.
* When you come for the king, you better kill that king.
* Hush! Mummy and Daddy are having a conversation. ''[sends Deadpool and Logan flying with a snap of her fingers]''
* You know, the funny thing is -- I was happy in the Void. You sent your trash to me, Alioth and I cleaned it up, everyone was happy. Then you had to go and piss on my side of the fence. And so now the fence must come down.

== Others ==
* '''Happy Hogan''': The problem might be that you're reaching a little too high. Aim for the middle, and you'll never miss, right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you're saying. But not everybody's the world-saving type. I'm not, and I'm happy, right? I found my place. Find ''your'' place.
* '''Blind Al''': I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have the nuts to do!
* '''Paradox''': I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe and, regardless of what the pencil-pushers upstairs would prefer, I will ''not'' waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes. We used to just prune these things -- Simple. Elegant. Efficient. But I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore. Well, I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse does not need a babysitter. We need a mercy killer. And in this instance, I am the mercy killer!
* '''Johnny Storm''': You see anyone running, dick-for-brains? You're not gonna love what happens next.
* '''Vanessa''': Ever since they turned you down, you took a knee... Baby, you never got back up. I know you're going through something, let me go through it with you.
* '''Gambit''': I ain't know my daddy, but I'm sure I shot outta his dick ready. [...] Yeah, he was laying them buttery nuts all up in my mama and I shot out there and I said &quot;what's up, doc?&quot;
* '''Laura Kinney / X-23''': You remind me of him. Angry. Drunk. Mean. [...] Showed up when it mattered the most. Couldn't help it.
*'''Blade''': There's only ever been one Blade. [https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Blade_(film) There's only ever gonna be one Blade.]
* '''Gambit''': You know how long I been waitin' for this? Woo, I'm about to make a name for myself here!
* '''Blade''': [[Blade (film)|Some motherfuckers ''still'' trying to ice-skate uphill.]]
* '''Pyro''': Oh-ho-ho, you have ''no idea'' what it's like! Day after day, shovel the shit, &quot;fetch the meats&quot;! I have spent my entire exis-- ''[knocked out by Logan]''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Wade''': I-- I care. I know I turn everything into a joke, but I care and I wanna use that feeling for something important. I-- I wanna matter. And to show my girl that I matter, and, um... Y'know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is [[Iron Man (comics)|the man]] not gonna be joining us?
:'''Happy Hogan''': &quot;The man&quot;?
:'''Wade''': Yeah. I should save this if he's gonna...
:'''Happy''': As far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man.
:'''Wade''': No.
:'''Happy''': The man is me. I am the man in this... circumstance. Eh, besi-- He doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.
:'''Wade''': Cameos?
:'''Happy''': Meetings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Happy''': You just said, moments ago, that you wanted to be an Avenger because &quot;you need it&quot;.
:'''Wade''': Yes, sir, I do.
:'''Happy''': But the Avengers don't do the job because they ''need'' it, they do the job because people need ''them''. Do you see the distinction?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''': We're human beings, we crave purpose. After all, we're Deadpool!
:'''Wade''': Please stop saying that; we're not Deadpool. I'm not even Deadpool anymore.
:'''Peter''': Well, if you're gonna have a mid-life crisis, go big! A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his [[w:Van Johnson|Van Johnson]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blind Al''': Wanna do some cocaine?
:'''Wade Wilson''': Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that [[w:Kevin Feige|Feige]] said is off-limits.
:'''Blind Al''': What about Bolivian Marching Powder?
:'''Wade''': They know all the slang terms; they have a list.
:'''Blind Al''': Even snowboarding?
:'''Wade''': Even disco dust.
:'''Blind Al''': White [[Girl, Interrupted (film)|Girl, Interrupted]]?
:'''Wade''': Even [[Forrest Gump|Forrest Bump]].
:'''Blind Al''': Booger sugar?
:'''Wade''': I wouldn't even try &quot;powdered go-nuts&quot;.
:'''Blind Al''': [[Frozen (2013 film)|Do you want to build a snowman?]]
:'''Wade''': Yes! But I can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Birthdays -- boy, uh, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.
:'''Blind Al''': Sun, dumbass!
:'''Wade''': Okay, round-earther! Where was I?
:'''Colossus''': The adventure of life.
:'''Wade''': Right, um... it's been a challenging few years. Been through a lot -- a change of life.
:'''Buck''': Menopause?
:'''Wade''': Bitch, are you improv-ing?
:'''Dopinder''': Mm-mm.
:'''Buck''': I'm sorry.
:'''Wade''': I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio.
:'''Yukio''': It's okay.
:'''Wade''': Yeah... But I'm happy. And, you know, that's be-- that's... because of each and every one of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, how proud I am, how grateful I am to be standing in a room with every single person I love. I'm the luckiest man alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paradox''': I brought you here to offer you an opportunity -- the opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready. We believe you're ready now. Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all. I am about to give you the thing you always wanted.
:'''Wade''': Oh, I smell what you're stepping in. [https://x.com/TheRock/status/1467899172682485760?lang=en The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever.] I am the Messiah. I. Am. Marvel Jesus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': Where do I sign?
:'''Paradox''': Oh, there's no need for paperwork.
:'''Wade''': Good! Not to brag, but I do not read.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': You're gonna ''[[Old Yeller]]'' my fucking universe?
:'''Paradox''': Mmm, in your parlance, yes. Two in the heart, one in the head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Deadpool impaled two Minutemen in their crotches with Wolverine's claws.]''
:'''Deadpool''': Sorry! Wolverine-ing is hard!
:'''Minuteman''': Make it stop!
:'''Deadpool''': ''[[w:James Mangold|Mangold]] tried!''
:'''Minuteman Leader''': You sick ''fuck!'' Logan was a hero, and the only thing worth a shit to ever come out of Canada!
:''[Deadpool removes the skeleton's claws out of the crippled Minutemen. Then, he throws his katana in the ground, as it bounces straight to the leader's mouth, killing him]''
:'''Deadpool''': [[w:Chris Rock-Will Smith slapping incident|Get my country's name out of your fucking mouth.]] And my sword. Gimme that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Oh, yes. Yes. Classic [[w:John Byrne (comics)|John Byrne]] brown and tan. Now, you fought the [[Hulk]] in this outfit, you know?
:''[The Wolverine variant unsheathes his claws and Hulk can be seen roaring through the reflection of his claws. Deadpool turns to see Hulk is right behind him.]''  
:'''Deadpool''': [[The Avengers (2012 film)|I'm ''Marvel Jesus'', you dull creature, and I will not--]]
:''[Hulk smashes Deadpool through a fallen tree.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry... ''[The Wolverine variant turns to reveal that he's played by [[w:Henry Cavill|Henry Cavill]]]'' Oh my fuck! The Cavillrine. The legends ''are'' true. And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity, this just feels ''right!'' We will treat you so much better than [[w: DC Extended Universe|those ''shitfucks'' down the street!]]
:'''Cavillrine''': You were just leaving.
:'''Deadpool''': No, sir! Not while the fate of my universe is at--
:''[Cavillrine unsheathes his claws by [[w:Mission: Impossible - Fallout|reloading his fists]], then [[Man of Steel (film)|Superman punching]] him through a wall.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[SNIKT! Wolverine's claws slowly emerge. Too slowly.]''
:'''Deadpool''': Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over forty.
:'''Logan''': You don't want this.
:'''Deadpool''': You're right, I don't. And unless you wanna take a deep breath through your fuckin' forehead, I suggest you reconsider. Let's go, peanut.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': One anchor being coming right up! [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|On your left]], babygirl! This Logan is the same -- he can do anything, even musicals, look! And bonus: He's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.
:'''Paradox''': I don't understand.
:'''Deadpool''': You said my universe is dying because this sack of nuts got himself killed. Well, problem solved.
:'''Paradox''': My God. You think you can actually ''replace'' an anchor being? With ''this?!'' I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, bee-tee-dubs, but ''you'' have outdone yourself and brought me the ''WORST'' Wolverine!
:'''Deadpool''': What do you mean, the worst one?
:'''Paradox''': Mister Wilson... this Wolverine let down his ''entire'' world. He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did... Well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Were you even listening back there?! We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I fuckin' know is gonna die.
:'''Wolverine''': Not my fuckin' problem.
:'''Deadpool''': Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?!
:'''Wolverine''': Come again?
:'''Deadpool''': Yeah, I heard all about you -- how you screwed up everything? You should be thanking me for pulling me out of that bed you shit in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Alright! Fuck it! Let's give the people what they came for!
:'''Wolverine''': Let's fucking go.
:'''Deadpool''': ''[turns to camera]'' Get your special sock out, nerds. It's gonna get good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Dear God, it's him.
:'''Wolverine''': Who?
:'''Deadpool''': The one. The superhero equivalent to comfort food, or molly. A white guy's answer to all the disappointments in another A-Lister. ''[to the mysterious variant, played by Chris Evans]'' Fair warning, gorgeous: You're gonna encounter some indelicate language, a smidge of assplay, but we've been ''prohibited'' from using cocaine. On camera.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sabretooth''': Ready to die?!
:'''Deadpool''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time! ''[to Logan, who has two katanas impaled through his chest and back, and a knife stuck in his shoulder]'' You look ridiculous! ''[he begins pulling them all out]'' People have waited ''decades'' for this fight. It's not gonna be easy. Baby knife! You shoot the double, you take him down. Side control. Then full mount, and ya ground and pound 'til he makes no sound because he's ''dead--''
:'''Wolverine''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Deadpool''': Oh, my God... Okay, good luck! I'm a huge fan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': How long was I asleep?
:'''Wolverine''': Not all of you was asleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Cassandra Nova flays Johnny Storm (Chris Evans)]''
:'''Deadpool''': Not my favorite Chris.
:'''Wolverine''': You stupid piece of shit, you just got him fuckin' killed!
:'''Deadpool''': Hey, we're ALL grieving! P.S., do you know what he was doing to the budget?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': You know, in my world, you're, um... You're well-regarded. 
:'''Wolverine''': Yeah, well, not in mine.
:'''Deadpool''': Yeah, they don't like me much in mine, either.
:'''Wolverine''': You don't say?
:'''Deadpool''': I ''wanted'' to be something, you know? I... Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.
:'''Wolverine''': Fuck the Avengers.
:'''Deadpool''': Yeah. I didn't make the cut, though. Same with the X-Men. Then my girlfriend left me, and I just--
:'''Wolverine''': ''You'' had a girlfriend?
:'''Deadpool''': Yeah! Vanessa. When we met, she was a dancer. We had a whole life. It was good. But oh boy, I just-- mwah. Fucked that right up. But you? You were an X-Man. Fuck that, you were ''the'' X-Man, you... The Wolverine! He was a hero in my world.
:'''Wolverine''': Yeah, well... he ain't shit in mine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Look, mijo. I know you're hurting. My blind, elderly African-American roommate Blind Al always says that pain teaches us who we are. Sometimes, we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.
:'''Wolverine''': Holy shit.
:'''Deadpool''': Yeah, she's wise!
:'''Wolverine''': No, no, no, that's her name? You call her &quot;Blind Al&quot;?
:'''Deadpool''': Well, she's blind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Why are you so nice?
:'''Nicepool''': Well, it costs nothing to be kind.
:'''Wolverine''': Shutting the fuck up is also free.
:'''Nicepool''': ''Caliente.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': Did you say you made an educated fucking wish?!
:'''Deadpool''': They call me &quot;the Merc with the Mouth&quot;. They ''don't'' call me &quot;Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon&quot;.
:'''Wolverine''': One more word. Please, give me one.
:'''Deadpool''': Gubernatorial. ''[Wolverine raises his fist, causing Deadpool to flinch]''
:'''Wolverine''': You know what? You're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my ''entire life'' and that says a lot 'cause I've been alive for more than two hundred fucking years, and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing: You will ''never'' save the world! ''You'' couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn ''stripper!'' Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of '''''GOD'S BEST JOKES THAT YOU ''CAN'T'' DIE,''''' '''''EXCEPT THAT'S ON ALL OF US!''''' ''[Deadpool looks down, silently enraged]'' What, you got nothin' to say, ''Mouth?''
:'''Deadpool''': ''[hiding his anger, calmly]'' I'm gonna fight you now.
:'''Wolverine''': ''[wheezily chuckles]'' Oh, are you? ''[Deadpool throws a punch in far more rage, violence, and aggressiveness than before, causing Wolverine's nose to bleed]'' Oh, you motherf-''[a very, '''VERY''' lengthy fight ensues as the two duke it out]''
:''[After the initial Honda Odyssey brawl]''
:'''Deadpool''': I take it all back, the Honda Odyssey fucks ''hard.'' Too bad you don't, needle dick.''[motions for a round two]''
:'''Wolverine''': Oh, we're just getting started, bub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Look at you all! You must be the others. Terrific. So, just to refresh, you are [[Wonder Woman|Wonder]]--
:'''[[Elektra (2005 film)|Elektra]]''': Elektra.
:'''Deadpool''': Elektra, yes, who could forget? And you! I was not expecting to see you here, I thought you were, y'know... ''[in an impression of Snipes]'' retired.
:'''Blade''': Retarded?
:'''Deadpool''': &quot;Retired&quot;. I'm already in the Void, I'm not trying to get cancelled again.
:'''Blade''': I don't like you.
:'''Deadpool''': [[Blade: Trinity|You never did.]] And who's this succulent reminder of my own inadequacies? Look at you. You look like the superhero version of Hawkeye.
:'''Gambit''': ''[through a mild Cajun accent]'' The name's Remy Lebeaux. ''Le Diable Blanc''. But you can call me the Gambit.
:'''Deadpool''': It's been a while since I've seen ''[[Sling Blade]]''. Hit me again.
:'''Gambit''': They call me the Gambit.
:'''Deadpool''': Do they? [[w:Gambit (unproduced film)|Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to, but it never quite worked out?]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Elektra''': I'm sick of this shit, sick of hiding. Let's face it, our worlds forgot about us.
:'''Gambit''': Or never learned about us.
:'''Elektra''': The heroes we were.
:'''Blade''': Lives we saved.
:'''Gambit''': Or wanted to save.
:'''Elektra''': Maybe these two are our chance to be remembered the way we deserved.
:'''Deadpool''': Yes.
:'''Elektra''': An ending.
:'''Blade''': Legacy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laura''': I got to have a life because of you. I got to grow up because of you. A lot of kids did.
:'''Wolverine''': A lot of kids ''didn't'' grow up because of me.  Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
:'''Laura''': That suit says different.
:'''Wolverine''': You like it? Scott used to beg me to wear it. So did Jean, Storm, Beast. All of 'em. They wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn't. Told 'em they all look fuckin' ridiculous, and... I couldn't have 'em thinking I wanted to be there. And one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came and went mutant hunting. 
:'''Laura''': I can guess the rest. 
:'''Wolverine''': No, no, let... Let me say it. I, I need to say it. By the time I stumbled home, shitfaced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead, every... And this suit's all I've got to remind me of who they were. And what I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Logan''': I walked away. They called after me, and I... I walked away. I always do.
:'''Cassandra''': I know. But that's not all you did, is it? You found them. The X-Men.
:'''Logan''': Dead. Piled like wood.
:'''Cassandra''': What did you do?
:'''Logan''': I started killing. And I couldn't stop. I didn't wanna stop.
:'''Cassandra''': All those bad men...
:'''Logan''': It's not just the bad ones.
:'''Cassandra''': My little animal.
:'''Logan''': I turned the whole world against the X-Men. Just once, I wanna be the man that Charles thought I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cassandra''': My brother loved you?
:'''Wolverine''': He loved all of us.
:'''Cassandra''': Must be nice.
:'''Wolverine''': He would've loved you, too. If he knew about you. If he knew where you were, he would've torn a hole in the fucking universe to bring you home.
:'''Cassandra''': This is my home.
:'''Wolverine''': Well then at least let us save his.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Child''': Holy shit. That's Deadpool.
:'''Child 2''': And that's Wolverine.
:'''Deadpool''': You're damn straight it is! Fox killed him. Disney brought him back, they're gonna make him do this 'til he's 90!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cassandra''': Now, you put all these bullets in my belly... And I'm gonna find out why.
:'''Pyro''': Whoa, whoa, w-- I'll just say it! You don't have to stick your fingers in me. Jesus, just ''ask'' sometimes!
:'''Cassandra''': Fine!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': ''[about Dogpool]'' Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy. She can decide who her ''papa'' is. What's it gonna be, girl, huh? Original Recipe? Or [[National Lampoon's Van Wilder|Van Milder]] here?
:'''Nicepool''': Ah, that's funny! I can gently tap the fourth wall, too. ''[looking directly at the camera]'' ''[[The Proposal (film)|The Proposal]]''.
:'''Deadpool''': The fuck was that? ''[sounding slightly offended]'' ''Bitch'', you think that's what I do?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Deadpool''': Deadpool Prime here! Our fight isn't with you!
:'''Kidpool''': Hey! When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth!
:'''Nicepool''': That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.
:'''Deadpool''': Can we just be done?!
:'''Ladypool''': Ooh, we're just getting started...
:'''Deadpool''': No, no, no, no, no, with the whole multiverse thing! It's not great. It's just been ''miss'' after ''miss'' after ''miss!'' Look, ''The Wizard of Oz'' did the multiverse first, and they did it best -- the gays knew it! But we didn't listen! Let's just take the L and move on!
:'''Nicepool''': I think it's been steadily great since ''[[Avengers: Endgame|Endgame]]''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Wolverine pulls his cowl down]''
:'''Deadpool''': Holy shit! You save the good stuff for special occasions?
:'''Wolverine''': Killing, mostly.
:'''Deadpool''': What's the wind resistance on those blowjob handles? Sorry! Just a catty bitch when I'm jealous. Let's do this. Maximum effort.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': Whoever it is you think I am, you got the wrong guy.
:'''Laura''': [[Logan (film)|You were always the wrong guy. Until you weren't.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paradox''': I warned them that they would be completely obliterated, but they went! But they went anyway, like... Like heroes. Because that's who they were. They just did what they had to do, with no concern for their own safety. The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism! Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.
:'''Deadpool''': He has risen, babygirl!
:'''Paradox''': '''''FUCK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Loki (TV series)|B-15]]''': I wanna show you something. Something huge.
:'''Deadpool''': That's what Scout Master Kevin used to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wade''': So what are you gonna do next?
:'''Logan''': I'll figure it out. I always do.
:'''Wade''': Alright. So I'll probably see you around?
:'''Logan''': Probably not. See you, bub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vanessa''': You've been busy.
:'''Wade''': I did it for you. Even if you don't want me, I... I did it for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in a recording from an earlier scene]''
:'''Johnny Storm''': In the Void, you're either food for Alioth, or you work for her.
:'''Deadpool''': Go on, Johnny.
:'''Johnny Storm''': And I'll tell you who &quot;her&quot; is. Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic asshole. A finger-lickin', dead inside pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk. And I'll tell you what she can do!
:'''Deadpool''': I'm listening.
:'''Johnny Storm''': She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon! If the last thing I do in this god-forsaken, cum-gutter existence is light that fuck-box on fire, I ''still'' won't die happy.
:'''Deadpool''': Holy shit, girl, you crazy!
:'''Johnny Storm''': That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk-fucked the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut's Jugger-nuts.
:'''Deadpool''': Wow!
:'''Johnny Storm''': And you can quote me.
:'''Deadpool''': 'kay.

==Quotes about ''Deadpool &amp; Wolverine''==
* I was sitting on a beach, not a care in the world, and for some reason, the thought came into my head: What do you want to do? And the first two things had nothing to do with work—then literally, I thought: Deadpool-Wolverine. I want to do ''that'' movie. That’s what I want.
** [[Hugh Jackman]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/deadpool-wolverine-ryan-reynolds-hugh-jackman-shawn-levy ''Deadpool &amp; Wolverine'': Inside the Superhero Movie That Plays Rough]. ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]''. (24 June 2024)
* Initially, we had a very loose idea of how we would bring Wolverine back in ways that don't necessarily interact or interfere with ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' and that legacy. I know [[w:Kevin Feige|Kevin]], like [[w:Shawn Levy|Shawn]] and I and [[Hugh Jackman|Hugh]], were all very concerned about that. We really needed to protect that and still allow us to tell the most full-throated Wolverine story we could ever imagine, which for us was just a huge nerve-wracking privilege.
** [[Ryan Reynolds]] on bringing Wolverine into the movie, [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/deadpool-wolverine-ryan-reynolds-hugh-jackman-shawn-levy ''Deadpool &amp; Wolverine'': Inside the Superhero Movie That Plays Rough]. ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]''. (24 June 2024)
* Hugh’s performance gives the movie a gravitas and a raw, soulful quality that is unbelievable, and I can't say much more without spoiling it. It's among the things that differentiate the movie from prior ''X-Men'' or ''Deadpool'' movies. The duo differentiates it. The fact that Logan is with a comedic engine for the entirety of the movie changes everything.
** [[w:Shawn Levy|Shawn Levy]] on Hugh Jackman's acting in the movie, [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/deadpool-wolverine-ryan-reynolds-hugh-jackman-shawn-levy ''Deadpool &amp; Wolverine'': Inside the Superhero Movie That Plays Rough]. ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]''. (24 June 2024)

== Cast ==
* [[Ryan Reynolds]] – [[w:Deadpool|Wade Wilson / Deadpool]] &amp; Nicepool
** Christiaan Bettridge &amp; [[w:Blake Lively|Blake Lively]] - Lady Deadpool
** Inez Reynolds - Kidpool
** Olin Reynolds - Babypool
** [[Matthew McConaughey]] - Cowboy Deadpool
** [[w:Nathan Fillion|Nathan Fillion]] - Headpool
** [[w:Paul Mullin| Paul Mullin]] - Welshpool

* [[Hugh Jackman]] – [[w:Wolverine (character)|James &quot;Logan&quot; Howlett / Wolverine]]
** [[w:Henry Cavill|Henry Cavill]] - Wolverine Variant (The &quot;Cavillrene&quot;)

* [[w:Emma Corrin|Emma Corrin]] – [[w:Cassandra Nova|Cassandra Nova]]

* [[w:Morena Baccarin|Morena Baccarin]] – [[w:Copycat (Marvel Comics)|Vanessa]]

* [[w:Matthew McFayden|Matthew McFayden]] – [[w:Mobius M. Mobius#Paradox|Paradox]]

* [[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]] – [[w:Blind Al|Blind Al]]

* [[w:Stefan Kapičić|Stefan Kapičić]] – [[w:Colossus (comics)|Colossus]]

* [[w:Brianna Hildebrand|Brianna Hildebrand]] – [[w:Negasonic Teenage Warhead|Negasonic Teenage Warhead]]

* [[w:Karan Soni|Karan Soni]] – Dopinder

* [[w:Lewis Tan|Lewis Tan]] – [[w:Shatterstar|Shatterstar]]

* [[w:Aaron Stanford|Aaron Stanford]] - [[w:Pyro (Marvel Comics)|Pyro]]

* [[w:Tyler Mane|Tyler Mane]] - [[w:Sabretooth(Marvel Comics)|Sabretooth]]

* [[w:Jennifer Garner|Jennifer Garner]] - [[w:Elektra Natchios|Elektra Natchios]]

* [[Wesley Snipes]] - [[Blade (film)|Blade]]

* [[w:Channing Tatum|Channing Tatum]] - [[w:Gambit (Marvel Comics)|Gambit]]

* [[w:Peggy(dog)|Peggy]] - [[w:List of Marvel Comics characters: D#Dogpool|Dogpool]]

* [[w:Dafne Keen|Dafne Keen]] - [[w:X-23|Laura Kinney / X-23]]

* [[Chris Evans]] - Steve Rogers / Captain America {{small|(archive footage from ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'')}} &amp; Johnny Storm / The Human Torch

* [[Chris Hemsworth]] - Thor {{small|(archive footage from ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'')}}

* [[w:Jon Favreau|Jon Favreau]] - Happy Hogan

* [[w:Wunmi Mosaku|Wunmi Mosaku]] - Hunter B-15

==See also==
* [[X-Men (comics)]]
* [[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]
* [[X2 (film)|X2]]
* [[X-Men: The Last Stand]]
* [[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]
* [[X-Men: First Class]]
* [[The Wolverine]]
* [[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]
* [[X-Men: Apocalypse]]
* [[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]
* [[Logan]]
* [[Deadpool 2]]
* [[Dark Phoenix (film)|Dark Phoenix]]
* [[The New Mutants]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* [https://www.marvel.com/movies/deadpool-and-wolverine Official website]
* {{IMDb title}}

[[Category:2024 films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:2020s American films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Shawn Levy]]
[[Category:Films set on fictional planets]]
[[Category:Films about parallel universes]]</text>
      <sha1>3dervj0pk6cyb4lzqarh40w243k8rrn</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Samir Mazloum</title>
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      <id>3607392</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
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      <text bytes="827" sha1="csyg3ma19bymr8dvq90gq7bpkc4cj7g" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Samir Mazloum|Samir Mazloum]]''' (10 September 1934) is a Lebanese prelate of the Maronite Catholic Church who served as a bishop of the [[w:Maronite Catholic Patriarchate of Antioch|Patriarchate of Antioch]].

== Quotes ==

* We cannot make peace between a victor and a vanquished. In order for peace to be lasting, it must be based on justice and the rights of all the protagonists must be recognised and granted.
** [https://www.asianews.it/news-en/No-winners-or-losers:-The-Popes-formula-for-the-Lebanese-crisis-53588.html No winners or losers: The Pope's formula for the Lebanese crisis (7 July 2021) ''Asia News'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mazloum, Samir}}
[[Category:1934 births]]
[[Category:Maronites]]
[[Category:Catholics from Lebanon]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>csyg3ma19bymr8dvq90gq7bpkc4cj7g</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Pierre Nguyễn Văn Khảm</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>279540</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607244</id>
      <parentid>3591180</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:52:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gremista.32</username>
        <id>3073295</id>
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      <origin>3607244</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="965" sha1="5plf0hbhaguu9x91r54hu07hu244916" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Pierre Nguyễn Văn Khảm|Pierre Nguyễn Văn Khảm]]''' (2 October 1952) is a Vietnamese prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Mỹ Tho|Diocese of Mỹ Tho]].

== Quotes ==

* Vietnamese children can learn to speak Vietnamese even though they're living in the U.S because at home the parents, their brothers and sisters, everybody at home speaks Vietnamese, likewise, Catholic family and Catholic community is very important, to have our young people to understand to profess and to live out the gospel message in our everyday life.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piY2WhFF1pA Homily of Bishop Peter Nguyễn Văn Khảm | Confirmation Mass (17 September 2022) ''Archdiocese of Saigon'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nguyễn Văn Khảm, Pierre}} 
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Catholics from Vietnam]]
[[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="3147" sha1="ebvbe980vt53saoxq6jn62mtlbyumae" xml:space="preserve">----
''[[Pokémon]]'': '''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokémon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]] [[Pokémon/Season 24|24]] [[Pokémon/Season 25|25]] [[Pokémon Chronicles|Chronicles]] [[Pokémon Horizons: The Series|Horizons]]: '''Movies:''' [[Pokémon: The First Movie|Mewtwo Strikes Back]] [[Pokémon the Movie 2000|The Power of One]] [[Pokémon 3: The Movie|Spell of the Unown]] [[Pokémon 4Ever|The Voice of the Forest]] [[Pokémon Heroes|Latios &amp; Latias]] [[Pokémon: Jirachi: Wish Maker|Wish Maker]] [[Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys|Destiny Deoxys]] | [[Pokémon: Lucario and The Mystery of Mew|Lucario and The Mystery of Mew]] [[Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea|Ranger and the Temple of the Sea]] | [[Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai|The Rise of Darkrai]] | [[Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior|Giratina and the Sky Warrior]] | [[Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life|Arceus and the Jewel of Life]] | [[Pokémon—Zoroark: Master of Illusions|Master of Illusions]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom/Black—Victini and Reshiram|Victini and Reshiram]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice|Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Genesect and the Legend Awakened|Genesect and the Legend Awakened]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction|Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages|Hoopa and the Clash of Ages]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel|Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You!|I Choose You!]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us|The Power of Us]] | [[Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution|Evolution]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Secrets of the Jungle|Secrets of the Jungle]] | [[Detective Pikachu (film)|Detective Pikachu]]: '''Games:'''  [[Pokémon Red and Blue|Red and Blue]] | [[Pokémon Gold and Silver|Gold and Silver]] | [[Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire|Ruby and Sapphire]] | [[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl|Diamond and Pearl]] | [[Pokémon Black and White|Black and White]] | [[Pokémon X and Y|X and Y]] | [[Pokémon Sun and Moon|Sun and Moon]] | [[Pokémon Sword and Shield|Sword and Shield]] | [[Pokémon Scarlet and Violet|Scarlet and Violet]]: '''Others''' * [[Last words in Pokémon|Last words]] | [[Pokemon: Mewtwo Returns|Mewtwo Returns]] | [[Pokémon: The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon|The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon]] | [[Pokémon: The Arceus Chronicles|The Arceus Chronicles]] | [[Pokémon/Commercials|Commercials]]
----&lt;noinclude&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:Pokémon}}
[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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''[[Pokémon]]'': '''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokémon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]] [[Pokémon/Season 24|24]] [[Pokémon/Season 25|25]] [[Pokémon Chronicles|Chronicles]] [[Pokémon Horizons: The Series|Horizons]]: '''Movies:''' [[Pokémon: The First Movie|Mewtwo Strikes Back]] [[Pokémon the Movie 2000|The Power of One]] [[Pokémon 3: The Movie|Spell of the Unown]] [[Pokémon 4Ever|The Voice of the Forest]] [[Pokémon Heroes|Latios &amp; Latias]] [[Pokémon: Jirachi: Wish Maker|Wish Maker]] [[Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys|Destiny Deoxys]] | [[Pokémon: Lucario and The Mystery of Mew|Lucario and The Mystery of Mew]] [[Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea|Ranger and the Temple of the Sea]] | [[Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai|The Rise of Darkrai]] | [[Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior|Giratina and the Sky Warrior]] | [[Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life|Arceus and the Jewel of Life]] | [[Pokémon—Zoroark: Master of Illusions|Master of Illusions]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: White—Victini and Zekrom/Black—Victini and Reshiram|Victini and Reshiram]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice|Kyurem VS. The Sword of Justice]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Genesect and the Legend Awakened|Genesect and the Legend Awakened]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction|Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages|Hoopa and the Clash of Ages]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel|Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You!|I Choose You!]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us|The Power of Us]] | [[Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back—Evolution|Evolution]] | [[Pokémon the Movie: Secrets of the Jungle|Secrets of the Jungle]] | [[Detective Pikachu (film)|Detective Pikachu]]: '''Games:''' [[Pokémon Red and Blue|Red and Blue]] | [[Pokémon Gold and Silver|Gold and Silver]] | [[Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire|Ruby and Sapphire]] | [[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl|Diamond and Pearl]] | [[Pokémon Black and White|Black and White]] | [[Pokémon X and Y|X and Y]] | [[Pokémon Sun and Moon|Sun and Moon]] | [[Pokémon Sword and Shield|Sword and Shield]] | [[Pokémon Scarlet and Violet|Scarlet and Violet]]: '''Others''' [[Last words in Pokémon|Last words]] | [[Pokemon: Mewtwo Returns|Mewtwo Returns]] | [[Pokémon: The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon|The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon]] | [[Pokémon: The Arceus Chronicles|The Arceus Chronicles]] | [[Pokémon/Commercials|Commercials]]
----&lt;noinclude&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:Pokémon}}
[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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        <id>3002050</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Bot: Archiving 4 threads from [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]]</comment>
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== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/HarrisKrimper|HarrisKrimper]] ==

* {{vandal|HarrisKrimper}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:41, 1 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:21, 1 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Karanmishra.me|Karanmishra.me]] ==

* {{vandal|Karanmishra.me}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:56, 1 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:44, 1 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Habeebneo|Habeebneo]] ==

* {{vandal|Habeebneo}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:18, 2 January 2024 (UTC)

:Warned, but it's entirely possible that this user is just beyond hope, as he is blocked on other WMF wikis and his edits have been deleted across the wikis. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:45, 2 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sophiajohnie|Sophiajohnie]] ==

* {{vandal|Sophiajohnie}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:10, 3 January 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} - blocked for spamming. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:58, 3 January 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2023-12-30, 17:18 ==

* {{Vandal|Umuganwa12}}

User contribs need to be checked. 

User inserted the same fake quotes to many articles.

It needs to be checked if the articles that the user created are hoaxes/Vandalism or not. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 17:19, 30 December 2023 (UTC)
: @[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] Precautionary indeffed, please discuss this case on Administrator noticeboard or village pump if possible. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 20:21, 31 December 2023 (UTC)
:: {{Ping|Lemonaka}} Thank you. I have added a discussion to the Administrator noticeboard . --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 14:58, 4 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dkztechnologies|Dkztechnologies]] ==

* {{vandal|Dkztechnologies}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:22, 5 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} - blocked for spamming. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:52, 5 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-5, 13:43 ==

* {{IPvandal|97.85.131.0/24}}

See contribs, suggest revdel and anonblock; if you want this oversighted please just ping me on a response (was originally submitted to stewards queue in [[ticket:2024010510005681]]). [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 14:37, 5 January 2024 (UTC)
* Revdel and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:51, 5 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Vinmeeninfotech dg|Vinmeeninfotech dg]] ==

* {{vandal|Vinmeeninfotech dg}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:03, 6 January 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:42, 6 January 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-01-6, 13:49 ==

* {{Vandal|AbubakarSiddiue}}

Anti-Ahmadi vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 13:50, 6 January 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} -  blocked as vandalism-only account; talk page left unblocked, for now. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 11:21, 9 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tephrapolymers123|Tephrapolymers123]] ==

* {{vandal|Tephrapolymers123}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:10, 9 January 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 11:17, 9 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fernandolomexz|Fernandolomexz]] ==

* {{vandal|Fernandolomexz}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:26, 13 January 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:37, 13 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/88.218.148.231|88.218.148.231]] ==

* {{vandal|88.218.148.231}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:40, 14 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:17, 14 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/LouisStawell7|LouisStawell7]] ==

* {{vandal|LouisStawell7}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:19, 15 January 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:45, 15 January 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-01-15, 19:54 ==

* {{Vandal|Dr. Rocko Rama}}

Potential sockpuppet of various Nate Spidgewood/SoulEaterFan socks, judging from the pages it has targeted. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:56, 15 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} Indef blocked and seems very likely to be a sockpuppet, but I left talk page access just in case. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:00, 15 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-15, 22:26 ==

* {{Vandal|FilburtTron2025}}

Confirmed through [[Special:Diff/3446138|this edit]] that this user is YET ANOTHER Nate Spidgewood/SoulEaterFan sock. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:05, 15 January 2024 (UTC)
:{{Done}} Indef blocked, no talk page access. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:06, 15 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/41.249.37.95|41.249.37.95]] ==

* {{vandal|41.249.37.95}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:08, 17 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} blocked for  a week --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 22:19, 17 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/31.14.14.70|31.14.14.70]] ==

* {{vandal|31.14.14.70}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:32, 19 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 13:44, 22 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/174.26.6.136|174.26.6.136]] ==

* {{vandal|174.26.6.136}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:38, 21 January 2024 (UTC)
: [[A Day at Camp (1989)]], a page made by this user does not have any quotes, since the user is repeating CSD tag removals, I would like to forward the SD request to here. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:25, 21 January 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:49, 21 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-21, 18:40 ==

* {{IPvandal|202.151.72.156}}

This user is sockpuppeting Nate Spidgewood/SoulEaterFan. I can confirm this because [[Special:Diff/3449844|not only is this user downright adding hoax content]], but also [[Special:Diff/3449851|has suspiciously denied himself being Nate/SEF]] [[Special:Diff/3449852|and removed the report I made on him]], only confirming his sock status. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 18:41, 21 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:37, 21 January 2024 (UTC)
: Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 01:09, 22 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/176.117.85.13|176.117.85.13]] ==

* {{vandal|176.117.85.13}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:58, 23 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:31, 23 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/182.178.64.106|182.178.64.106]] ==

* {{vandal|182.178.64.106}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:37, 23 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 07:09, 23 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-23, 18:14 ==

* {{Vandal|BrandonAguilarrt}}

Potential spambot; see his talk page. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 20:03, 23 January 2024 (UTC)
: locked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:23, 24 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-23, 21:17 ==

* {{IPvandal|50.237.239.82}}

Clear, repeat vandalism. [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 22:17, 23 January 2024 (UTC)
: warned -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:23, 24 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Truck Driver News|Truck Driver News]] ==

* {{vandal|Truck Driver News}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:51, 24 January 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]]{{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 12:45, 24 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/El pouria|El pouria]] ==

* {{vandal|El pouria}}
Clearly false quote: obscenity/'n' word use. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 20:18, 24 January 2024 (UTC)
* Did revdel and warned the user. Will keep an eye on them. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 20:33, 24 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-25, 00:06 ==

* {{IPvandal|2603:3006:78e:100:88e5:3043:4898:5593}}

Nate Spidgewood/SoulEaterFan sockpuppetry; see its edits on [[Adventure Time (season 3)]] for more. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 00:17, 25 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} — I have blocked the anon IP for a week, and semi-protected the target page for a year. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:22, 25 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-25, 10:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|84.121.88.89}}
Posted rant rather than recognizable quote/Caps &amp; apparent nonsense in edit summary. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 10:15, 25 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}}. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:45, 26 January 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-01-26, 00:45 ==

* {{IPvandal|207.177.166.236}}

Abusing multiple accounts; Evilasio Da Paz/Nate Spidgewood/SoulEaterFan; [[Special:Diff/3453354|see]] [[Special:Diff/3453316|these]] [[Special:Diff/3453534|edits]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:23, 26 January 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 03:35, 27 January 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-01-28, 20:17 ==

* {{Vandal|Santa is so gay its not funny at all}}

Vandalism. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:03, 28 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Globally locked --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:52, 28 January 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-01-29, 09:06 ==

* {{IPvandal|39.50.199.112}}
Cross-wiki abuse. [[User:USSR-Slav|USSR-Slav]] ([[User talk:USSR-Slav|talk]]) 09:08, 29 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/39.50.199.112|39.50.199.112]] ==

* {{vandal|39.50.199.112}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 29 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Xdownloader|Xdownloader]] ==

* {{vandal|Xdownloader}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:52, 29 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:35, 30 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rat a tat toe|Rat a tat toe]] ==

* {{vandal|Rat a tat toe}}
Vandalism only account. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 15:05, 29 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:36, 30 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/189.188.161.90|189.188.161.90]] ==

* {{IPvandal|189.188.161.90}}
Edit summary rants which are potentially libelous. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 19:51, 29 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:39, 30 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Manenati81|Manenati81]] ==

* {{vandal|Manenati81}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 30 January 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:46, 30 January 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2|2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2]] ==

* {{vandal|2A00:1828:1000:2217:0:0:0:2}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 31 January 2024 (UTC)
: The user is already globally blocked, please consider revdel if needed. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:01, 31 January 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wtdclogisticsmiami|Wtdclogisticsmiami]] ==

* {{vandal|Wtdclogisticsmiami}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:36, 1 February 2024 (UTC)
:{{Done|Blocked}} &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 04:01, 1 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/A69327|A69327]] ==

* {{vandal|A69327}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:39, 1 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:42, 1 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/39.50.199.16|39.50.199.16]] ==

* {{vandal|39.50.199.16}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:36, 1 February 2024 (UTC)
: Similar case as [[Special:Contributions/39.50.199.112]], please consider range block. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:39, 1 February 2024 (UTC)
:: Blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:51, 1 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Loyid kunjumon|Loyid kunjumon]] ==

* {{vandal|Loyid kunjumon}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:25, 2 February 2024 (UTC)
:Pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:43, 2 February 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-02-5, 21:09 ==

* {{Vandal|The SoulEaterFan Warrior from Something you know Whatever}}

VOA. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 21:12, 5 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:07, 6 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/LotobomyMaster3|LotobomyMaster3]] ==

* {{vandal|LotobomyMaster3}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:44, 6 February 2024 (UTC)
: Lock evasion of [[Special:CentralAuth/LotobomyMaster]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:45, 6 February 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:04, 6 February 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-02-7, 19:06 ==

* {{Vandal|Rocko VS. Ren and Stimpy VS. SpongeBob and Patrick VS. Arnold and Gerald}}

Block evasion. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 19:07, 7 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 7 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/AnilVcube|AnilVcube]] ==

* {{vandal|AnilVcube}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:12, 9 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 09:28, 9 February 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-02-11, 17:30 ==

* {{Vandal|207.177.166.236}}

Nate Speed/SoulEaterFan/Evilasio da Paz; has continued to vandalize pages after being previously banned for vandalism; [[Special:Diff/3463124|see]] [[Special:Diff/3463128|the edit summaries]] [[Special:Diff/463102|of these edits]] for added proof that this is most certainly Nate/Evilasio/SEF. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 17:34, 11 February 2024 (UTC)

:User also sent me a [[Special:Diff/3464189|message]] on my talk page, warning me to &quot;stop calling me SoulEaterFan&quot;. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 18:15, 13 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tqttyres|Tqttyres]] ==

* {{vandal|Tqttyres}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:15, 13 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dcvrfixco|Dcvrfixco]] ==

* {{vandal|Dcvrfixco}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:16, 13 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/110.54.153.46|110.54.153.46]] ==

* {{vandal|110.54.153.46}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:17, 13 February 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-02-13, 21:01 ==

* {{IPvandal|98.252.123.147}}

Harassment; see [[Special:Diff/3464504|this.]] [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:01, 13 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/93.124.100.221|93.124.100.221]] ==

* {{vandal|93.124.100.221}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 15 February 2024 (UTC)
: Seems to be an open proxy, please see https://ipcheck.toolforge.org/index.php?ip=93.124.100.221 [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:31, 15 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/210.99.134.119|210.99.134.119]] ==

* {{vandal|210.99.134.119}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:13, 16 February 2024 (UTC)
: Please note that this IP is already blocked at es/fr/kowiki and Commons as LTA. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:16, 16 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/197.203.204.185|197.203.204.185]] ==

* {{vandal|197.203.204.185}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:55, 16 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/187.189.160.230|187.189.160.230]] ==

* {{vandal|187.189.160.230}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:48, 17 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/110.54.130.11|110.54.130.11]] ==

* {{vandal|110.54.130.11}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:57, 18 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Festopindia|Festopindia]] ==

* {{vandal|Festopindia}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 20 February 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 20 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2000LobotomyMasters|2000LobotomyMasters]] ==

* {{vandal|2000LobotomyMasters}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:43, 22 February 2024 (UTC)
: Seems to be related with [[User:LotobomyMaster5]] and [[‎User:LotobomyMaster4]] (already locked). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:45, 22 February 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Already locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:11, 23 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/99.232.250.101|99.232.250.101]] ==

* {{vandal|99.232.250.101}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:15, 22 February 2024 (UTC)

:Blocked, indef. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:21, 26 February 2024 (UTC)
:: According to [[:w:Wikipedia:Blocking_IP_addresses#Block_lengths]], your action may require reconsideration. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:50, 26 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/174.26.6.136|174.26.6.136]] ==

* {{vandal|174.26.6.136}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:49, 25 February 2024 (UTC)
: Please note that the user is repeating creations of quoteless pages despite many warnings. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:50, 25 February 2024 (UTC)
::I have blocked this user for 24 hours. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:12, 26 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Hayapawa|Hayapawa]] ==

* {{vandal|Hayapawa}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:01, 25 February 2024 (UTC)

:Blocked 24 hours [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:14, 26 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/81.145.211.34|81.145.211.34]] ==

* {{vandal|81.145.211.34}}
Possible open proxy [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:12, 23 February 2024 (UTC)
: Please see https://ipcheck.toolforge.org/index.php?ip=81.145.211.34 for details. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 23 February 2024 (UTC)
::Blocked indef. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:24, 26 February 2024 (UTC)
::: (Note) According to [[:w:Wikipedia:Blocking_IP_addresses#Block_lengths]], your action may require reconsideration. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:51, 26 February 2024 (UTC)
::::I apologize for my mistakes. I spent a lot of time today trying to learn more about blocking policies, so I hope I will do better in future. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 04:02, 27 February 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-02-26, 01:02 ==

* {{Vandal|Cartoon Network Show Master 1998}}

VOA; Nate Speed/SoulEaterFan/Evilasio Da Paz; [[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends|carries]] [[Soul Eater|the EXACT SAME]] [[Soul Eater NOT!|fixations]] that all of his other accounts have targeted. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:07, 26 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:50, 28 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2409:40F0:47:D5EA:4C2:6CFF:FE77:E581|2409:40F0:47:D5EA:4C2:6CFF:FE77:E581]] ==

* {{vandal|2409:40F0:47:D5EA:4C2:6CFF:FE77:E581}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:30, 28 February 2024 (UTC)
: Sorry, I didn't notice there was an ongoing global block (short-term). But please keep an eye on this range. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 28 February 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} globally. Thanks as always, MX. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:50, 28 February 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Chloeblake|Chloeblake]] ==

* {{vandal|Chloeblake}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:24, 28 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:28, 28 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/103.121.121.196|103.121.121.196]] ==

* {{vandal|103.121.121.196}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:58, 28 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:24, 28 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C0BB:C5F0:ACB:4524|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C0BB:C5F0:ACB:4524]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C0BB:C5F0:ACB:4524}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:35, 29 February 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:51, 29 February 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-02-29, 18:49 ==

* {{IPvandal|82.60.218.31}}

Randomly replacing the voice talents in a number of articles; I recommend mass reverting all edits because they're all the same. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:12, 29 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:47, 29 February 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-02-29, 19:12 ==

* {{Vandal|SoulEaterFan222}}

He's not even ''trying'' anymore. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:48, 29 February 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:47, 29 February 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bunsong152519|Bunsong152519]] ==

* {{vandal|Bunsong152519}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:55, 1 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 1 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Compareproductsplus|Compareproductsplus]] ==

* {{vandal|Compareproductsplus}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:28, 4 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:03, 4 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Parksansalon|Parksansalon]] ==

* {{vandal|Parksansalon}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:21, 6 March 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} by GreenMeansGo. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 20:59, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/1313asda|1313asda]] ==

* {{vandal|1313asda}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:21, 6 March 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} by GreenMeansGo. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:00, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-03-6, 14:45 ==

* {{Vandal|TheExtrodinairyInformer}}

Vandalism. --[[User:Xneb20|Xneb20]] ([[User talk:Xneb20|talk]]) 14:46, 6 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — vandalism only account, blocked one week, more next time if it persists. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:59, 6 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202.128.73.51|202.128.73.51]] ==

* {{vandal|202.128.73.51}}
Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:58, 6 March 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} - blocked 1 day for Vandalism: Adding false information, removing established content. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:19, 7 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Qwfe|Qwfe]] ==

* {{vandal|Qwfe}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:25, 7 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:51, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/81.196.30.249|81.196.30.249]] ==

* {{vandal|81.196.30.249}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:26, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:50, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/186.84.20.219|186.84.20.219]] ==

* {{vandal|186.84.20.219}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:00, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:08, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Saemcam417|Saemcam417]] ==

* {{vandal|Saemcam417}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:14, 7 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}}, blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:35, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/DETHBATTLESEF|DETHBATTLESEF]] ==

* {{Vandal|DETHBATTLESEF}}

If the &quot;SEF&quot; didn't tip you off about the true identity of this user, then maybe [[Special:Diff/3478682|this edit over on the Gumball article]] should be enough evidence. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:08, 7 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:37, 8 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/89.47.123.139|89.47.123.139]] ==

* {{vandal|89.47.123.139}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:25, 8 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:37, 8 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/91.107.56.78|91.107.56.78]] ==

* {{vandal|91.107.56.78}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:26, 8 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/31.190.224.198|31.190.224.198]] ==

* {{vandal|31.190.224.198}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:29, 8 March 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:30, 8 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:39, 8 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/THE SKY HAD A GUMBALL!|THE SKY HAD A GUMBALL!]] ==

* {{Vandal|THE SKY HAD A GUMBALL!}}

Long-term abuse; [[Special:Diff/3480214|obvious SoulEaterFan sockpuppetry]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:54, 9 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:55, 9 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/39.50.199.52|39.50.199.52]] ==

* {{vandal|39.50.199.52}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:37, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} - blocked [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 05:36, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.81.188.75|66.81.188.75]] ==

* {{vandal|66.81.188.75}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:29, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
** {{done}} - Blocked 6 months. [[User:MathXplore]], please LMK if there is a better compromise between short for an IP and indef for LTA. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:24, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
**: Generally, short-term blocks are enough for short term abusers. The LTA that we are currently facing has been using many IPs in the past. So the effects of a long term block will be limited. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:49, 11 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/94.73.48.126|94.73.48.126]] ==

* {{vandal|94.73.48.126}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:51, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
** {{done}} - Blocked 6 months. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:25, 10 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B021:F04:8FFF:4C0:77B0:94F3:9992|2A02:B021:F04:8FFF:4C0:77B0:94F3:9992]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B021:F04:8FFF:4C0:77B0:94F3:9992}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:16, 11 March 2024 (UTC)
: Possibly [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:16, 11 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:22, 11 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2405:201:1008:7830:A13D:F6CF:D773:759D|2405:201:1008:7830:A13D:F6CF:D773:759D]] ==

* {{vandal|2405:201:1008:7830:A13D:F6CF:D773:759D}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 14 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} Blocked [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:12, 14 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[‎Special:Contributions/‎Violent Outburst Record|‎Violent Outburst Record]] ==

* {{Vandal|‎Violent Outburst Record}}

Long-term abuse; LTA:NATE; [[Special:Diff/3479511|his lone edit provides proof.]] [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 15:20, 14 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} Indeffed, clearly NOTHERE. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:48, 14 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/39.50.198.33|39.50.198.33]] ==

* {{vandal|39.50.198.33}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 15 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}}, deleted newly created pages and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:50, 15 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Daisylore08|Daisylore08]] ==

* {{vandal|Daisylore08}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 16 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:08, 16 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/206.57.233.236|206.57.233.236]] ==

* {{IPvandal|206.57.233.236}}

[[Special:Diff/3483194|Continues to add hoax content to the ''Smiling Friends'' article in spite of being blocked previously for doing so.]] [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 18:17, 16 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} — the ip has been blocked for a month, and the page semi-protected for 3 months. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:24, 16 March 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-03-18, 09:39 ==

* {{IPvandal|39.50.198.206}}

Nonsense content, all the pages created by this IP should be nuked. --[[User:ChasingAir|ChasingAir]] ([[User talk:ChasingAir|talk]]) 09:40, 18 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:31, 18 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{re|koavf}} Is there a range block to be had here? This has been a recurring issue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 18 March 2024 (UTC)
:::I did a two-week range block. I did leave [[:Category:Nickelodeon]] by a similar IP in the range, which you can delete in case you think it's merited. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:36, 18 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B025:8F01:CB71:186B:ED91:D2D9:7DE|2A02:B025:8F01:CB71:186B:ED91:D2D9:7DE]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B025:8F01:CB71:186B:ED91:D2D9:7DE}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:38, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:38, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} agreed DUCK. Blocked the IP one month. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:46, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-03-19, 01:46 ==

* {{Vandal|TrustedHosting}}

Spambot. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:44, 19 March 2024 (UTC)

:Hi 
:I dont understand what deos it mean can you please clarify  [[User:TrustedHosting|TrustedHosting]] ([[User talk:TrustedHosting|talk]]) 02:47, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
:: They mean [[:w:Wikipedia:Spam]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
:::But i did not done any spam , why they are treating it was spam  [[User:TrustedHosting|TrustedHosting]] ([[User talk:TrustedHosting|talk]]) 03:13, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
: Page tagged, reported to [[:m:SRG]] per global actions. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
:: Already locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:31, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
:::{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 19 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/168.205.197.215|168.205.197.215]] ==

* {{vandal|168.205.197.215}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:18, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/201.254.226.30|201.254.226.30]] ==

* {{vandal|201.254.226.30}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:18, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/190.246.10.27|190.246.10.27]] ==

* {{vandal|190.246.10.27}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/190.227.20.34|190.227.20.34]] ==

* {{vandal|190.227.20.34}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:21, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/181.44.129.43|181.44.129.43]] ==

* {{vandal|181.44.129.43}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:25, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/186.182.26.75|186.182.26.75]] ==

* {{vandal|186.182.26.75}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
: Please remove talk page usage (abusing talk page). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/90.94.120.83|90.94.120.83]] ==

* {{vandal|90.94.120.83}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Foodmartagroeng07|Foodmartagroeng07]] ==

* {{vandal|Foodmartagroeng07}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:47, 22 March 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:48, 25 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/157.42.243.157|157.42.243.157]] ==

* {{vandal|157.42.243.157}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:22, 23 March 2024 (UTC)
: The user is involved in [[Ramkripalyadavg]], please also see [[:w:Ramkripalyadavg]], [[:n:Ramkripalyadavg]], and [[:w:simple:Ramkripalyadavg]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:24, 23 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:49, 25 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B025:F00:217C:7D5C:6F96:C36B:5AFF|2A02:B025:F00:217C:7D5C:6F96:C36B:5AFF]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B025:F00:217C:7D5C:6F96:C36B:5AFF}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:06, 24 March 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:06, 24 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:50, 25 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Awd.apex2|Awd.apex2]] ==

* {{vandal|Awd.apex2}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:30, 24 March 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Already locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:27, 25 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:50, 25 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/223.123.23.88|223.123.23.88]] ==

* {{vandal|223.123.23.88}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:26, 25 March 2024 (UTC)
: Xwiki spam, please see global contributions. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:28, 25 March 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:52, 25 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adeyemo Taoheed|Adeyemo Taoheed]] ==

* {{vandal|Adeyemo Taoheed}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:16, 26 March 2024 (UTC)
: Locked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 12:56, 28 March 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lequyet2000|Lequyet2000]] ==

* {{vandal|Lequyet2000}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:37, 27 March 2024 (UTC)
: Locked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 12:56, 28 March 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-03-28, 18:35 ==

* {{Vandal|SpongeBob Land!}}
* {{vandal|Mrs. Puff Sucks}}
* {{vandal|Rocko VS. Ren}}
Block evasion. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 18:36, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} Blocked all 3. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:38, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ShirleyDix83|ShirleyDix83]] ==

* {{vandal|ShirleyDix83}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:28, 30 March 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 10:51, 30 March 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-03-30, 06:27 ([[User talk:39.50.198.206]]) ==

The talk page is being abused. Please remove talk page access. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:28, 30 March 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] Locked. Locked user cannot edit their talkpage -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 10:51, 30 March 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Insaver38|Insaver38]] ==

* {{vandal|Insaver38}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:44, 1 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:45, 1 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adedeji Damilare|Adedeji Damilare]] ==

* {{vandal|Adedeji Damilare}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:16, 2 April 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-04-2, 16:58 ==

* {{IPvandal|2607:FB91:1FAB:82EE:3DFB:C128:7A9B:BB6B}}
* {{vandal|Rockoland}}
Block evasion. Adding content that never appeared. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 17:31, 2 April 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 21:27, 2 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/151.68.244.27|151.68.244.27]] ==

* {{vandal|151.68.244.27}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:42, 3 April 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:42, 3 April 2024 (UTC)

** {{done}} blocked IP one month [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:42, 3 April 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-04-3, 18:54 ==

* {{IPvandal|2607:FB91:1FA8:4BE0:A53B:7D49:D6CC:EF55}}
Vandalism. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 18:54, 3 April 2024 (UTC)
*{{done}} blocked vandalism-only IP one week. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:45, 3 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B027:8F07:168E:D98F:8017:5FBA:E75|2A02:B027:8F07:168E:D98F:8017:5FBA:E75]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B027:8F07:168E:D98F:8017:5FBA:E75}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 4 April 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:31, 4 April 2024 (UTC)
:: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] Did they introduce hoaxes to this project? If yes, can you point out them? -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 13:34, 4 April 2024 (UTC)
::: I'm not sure if they had added hoaxes here, but I don't think [[Olcio]] (made by this IP) has memorable quotes, at least it doesn't make sense. Other edits added quotes but none of them have inline citations. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:37, 4 April 2024 (UTC)
:::: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] Done, global blocked. Edits reverted. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 13:42, 4 April 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-04-6, 15:37 ==

* {{Vandal|Me Gumball, You Catra}}

Obvious SoulEaterFan sockpuppetry-- if the fact that Gumball and Catra-- two character commonly spammed in SoulEaterFan edits-- don't tip you off, [[Special:Diff/3495183|this edit]] involving him randomly replacing dialogue and characters with those he has major fixations on should. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 15:52, 6 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indeffed this username [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:11, 6 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B025:8F03:A56D:E887:5257:929B:65C3|2A02:B025:8F03:A56D:E887:5257:929B:65C3]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B025:8F03:A56D:E887:5257:929B:65C3}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:53, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:54, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.167.6.134|75.167.6.134]] ==

* {{vandal|75.167.6.134}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:46, 7 April 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Made another quoteless page after final warning. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:47, 7 April 2024 (UTC)
:: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]]{{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 09:39, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-04-8, 03:24 ==

* {{IPvandal|212.29.220.53}}

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/212.29.220.53 [[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 03:39, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 09:41, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Andria Luis|Andria Luis]] ==

* {{vandal|Andria Luis}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:28, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]]{{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 09:37, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B025:8F06:B27E:6CF2:25F2:9417:1285|2A02:B025:8F06:B27E:6CF2:25F2:9417:1285]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B025:8F06:B27E:6CF2:25F2:9417:1285}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:29, 8 April 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:15, 9 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kabiru Oyebode Ad|Kabiru Oyebode Ad]] ==

* {{vandal|Kabiru Oyebode Ad}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:05, 9 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:15, 9 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adedeji Damianooh|Adedeji Damianooh]] ==

* {{vandal|Adedeji Damianooh}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:06, 9 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:15, 9 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B023:8F01:4DE7:EC34:D5A8:7CC7:7C3F|2A02:B023:8F01:4DE7:EC34:D5A8:7CC7:7C3F]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B023:8F01:4DE7:EC34:D5A8:7CC7:7C3F}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:25, 10 April 2024 (UTC)
: (Details) [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:25, 10 April 2024 (UTC)
::globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:15, 10 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/98.252.123.147|98.252.123.147]] ==

* {{IPvandal|98.252.123.147}}

SoulEater fan sockpuppetry. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 17:45, 11 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} this IP has previously been blocked but those blocks expired. I blocked it for 1 month. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:42, 14 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Baksanir|Baksanir]] ==

* {{vandal|Baksanir}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:32, 12 April 2024 (UTC)
: Please also check global contributions. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:34, 12 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indeffed [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:44, 14 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wallaby Master|Wallaby Master]] ==

* {{Vandal|Wallaby Master}}

LTA: SoulEaterFan/Nate Speed. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:42, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:11, 15 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/103.204.247.4|103.204.247.4]] ==

* {{vandal|103.204.247.4}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 14 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:11, 15 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.76.90.207|173.76.90.207]] ==

* {{vandal|173.76.90.207}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:15, 16 April 2024 (UTC)
: Repeated the creation of zero-quote pages after the final warning. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:16, 16 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} one month [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 10:30, 17 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ias99notes|Ias99notes]] ==

* {{vandal|Ias99notes}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:01, 16 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indef [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 10:31, 17 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mustafakhadim|Mustafakhadim]] ==

* {{vandal|Mustafakhadim}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:26, 17 April 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indef, and deleted spam page with its talk page [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 10:34, 17 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/31.190.224.198|31.190.224.198]] ==

* {{vandal|31.190.224.198}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:54, 18 April 2024 (UTC)
: This is [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]] case. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:54, 18 April 2024 (UTC)
::globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:54, 18 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rentalcars|Rentalcars]] ==

* {{vandal|Rentalcars}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:04, 19 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:32, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tuningfile12|Tuningfile12]] ==

* {{vandal|Tuningfile12}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:49, 23 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:32, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Emily9893|Emily9893]] ==

* {{Vandal|Emily9893}}

Spambot. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:20, 23 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else.{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:33, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Duarcars|Duarcars]] ==

* {{vandal|Duarcars}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:28, 26 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:33, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rbsyckogmail|Rbsyckogmail]] ==

* {{vandal|Rbsyckogmail}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:55, 28 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:33, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Najoesinner8|Najoesinner8]] ==

* {{vandal|Najoesinner8}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:56, 28 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:34, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/136.158.33.223|136.158.33.223]] ==

* {{vandal|136.158.33.223}}
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=SpongeBob_SquarePants/Season_4&amp;diff=prev&amp;oldid=3507341 Vandalism, defying LOQ, edit-warring], ignoring warnings. Also refuses to provide edit-summaries in their edits. Immediate action must be taken against the IP and long-term protection (longer than their blocking) of all pages they vandalized, lest they jump IP addresses. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 02:27, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} short rangeblock. Protection and lengthening can happen as necessary. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:37, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Anooshasourcing|Anooshasourcing]] ==

* {{vandal|Anooshasourcing}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:04, 29 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:37, 29 April 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ayobami khadijat|Ayobami khadijat]] ==

* {{vandal|Ayobami khadijat}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:26, 30 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:25, 1 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Smburnthawapi|Smburnthawapi]] ==

* {{vandal|Smburnthawapi}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:54, 30 April 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done|Blocked}} by someone else [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:25, 1 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sona 888|Sona 888]] ==

* {{vandal|Sona 888}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:13, 2 May 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indef. Thanks, [[User:MathXplore]] for doing so much to make this page useful. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:28, 2 May 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-05-3, 00:31 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:0:0:0:0}}

Vandalism across the /64 range. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 00:45, 3 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/195.224.72.2|195.224.72.2]] ==

* {{vandal|195.224.72.2}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 2 May 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Restarted after global block. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:12, 3 May 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} blocked IP 1 month [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:12, 3 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rseearchtrends1|Rseearchtrends1]] ==

* {{vandal|Rseearchtrends1}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:03, 3 May 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} blocked and spam deleted. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:15, 3 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/36.77.164.116|36.77.164.116]] ==

* {{vandal|36.77.164.116}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:24, 3 May 2024 (UTC)

:globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:33, 5 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B021:8F01:BEC4:CC76:7E26:47B4:E4AC|2A02:B021:8F01:BEC4:CC76:7E26:47B4:E4AC]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B021:8F01:BEC4:CC76:7E26:47B4:E4AC}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:56, 4 May 2024 (UTC)
: Please see [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:57, 4 May 2024 (UTC)
::globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:33, 5 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/151.30.209.244|151.30.209.244]] ==

* {{vandal|151.30.209.244}}
Long-term abuse. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:53, 6 May 2024 (UTC)
: Possible [[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]] case. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:53, 6 May 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 6 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/67.43.23.34|67.43.23.34]] ==

* {{vandal|67.43.23.34}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 15:39, 6 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 6 May 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-05-7, 01:41 ==

* {{IPvandal|50.205.217.203}}

Potentially vandalizing the [[Sailor Moon]] article with fake, fan-made information. This same IP address (presumably) vandalized the article before it was protected, and [[Special:Diff/3284816|has a history of adding fake content]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:42, 7 May 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-05-7, 01:45 ==

* {{IPvandal|50.205.217.119}}

Vandalism to [[Sailor Moon]]; [[Special:Diff/3505509|has added scenes with characters not from the show]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:53, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/206.204.131.249|206.204.131.249]] ==

* {{vandal|206.204.131.249}}
Long-term abuse. LTA/GRP [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:59, 8 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:59, 8 May 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-05-6, 19:25 ==

* {{IPvandal|100.8.243.246}}

User has a strange fixation with enforcing the unofficial LOQ guideline and will go to great lengths to enforce it (a la former user DawgDeputy). Engages in edit wars frequently (see the edit history of [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|these two]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|pages]] for further proof), and [[User talk:136.158.33.223|has repeatedly]] [[User talk:2600:1017:B835:BE2:C889:D83F:2BB:361A|acted like]] [[User talk:2601:195:C382:D130:5DB0:EED5:1DCD:4709|it is an actual administrator,]] when, in actuality, it is an IP address. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:46, 6 May 2024 (UTC)

:Looking at a few diffs, I don't see any obvious vandalism. Can you provide one that is vandalism? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:07, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
::It's not vandalism; it's this IP blatantly acting like he's an administrator by reverting edits and trying to enforce an unofficial guideline. It also consistently [[User talk:74.102.61.112|warns other IPs]] [[User talk:198.90.85.70|as if it owns the place]], [[User talk:76.129.158.37|and these links show]] that it did this beforehand on another IP. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:31, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
:::See above: '''Vandalism''' in progress. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:33, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
:::It is also hypocritical at times-- as mentioned before, it enforces the unofficial LOQ guideline, but even when the [[Special:Diff/3506960|the episodes in question now have the maximum amount of two]], [[Special:Diff/3506960|it chooses to revert it anyway]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:34, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
::::'''Vandalism''' in progress. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:34, 7 May 2024 (UTC)
: {{declined}} Not a vandal what so over. To Administrator notice board if you really want to discuss about that. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 08:02, 8 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rrajaniphotographer|Rrajaniphotographer]] ==

* {{vandal|Rrajaniphotographer}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} and on [[:species]]. Reporting at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:19, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.167.6.134|75.167.6.134]] ==

* {{vandal|75.167.6.134}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:10, 9 May 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Restarted creations of quoteless pages after last block. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:11, 9 May 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:46, 9 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Applaudsolution|Applaudsolution]] ==

* {{vandal|Applaudsolution}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:38, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Seems like it could be a person, since he/it is registered on several wikis, so I let him have talk page access to explain why he should be unblocked. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/LoxboOfficial|LoxboOfficial]] ==

* {{vandal|LoxboOfficial}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 16:30, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:26, 9 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/216.106.12.90|216.106.12.90]] ==

* {{vandal|216.106.12.90}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:AramilFeraxa|AramilFeraxa]] ([[User talk:AramilFeraxa|talk]]) 18:30, 9 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:41, 9 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C66:6E16:A7E9:4626|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C66:6E16:A7E9:4626]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C66:6E16:A7E9:4626}}
Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 06:58, 10 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} The /64 range has some not-obviously-bad edits recently, so I just blocked this one IP. Let me know if that's insufficient. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:09, 10 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bawthxngwuthichay3|Bawthxngwuthichay3]] ==

* {{vandal|Bawthxngwuthichay3}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:43, 10 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:32, 10 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gurumagnetix|Gurumagnetix]] ==

* {{vandal|Gurumagnetix}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:17, 11 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:19, 11 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100E:B205:2978:E8A3:118B:8C08:6A96|2600:100E:B205:2978:E8A3:118B:8C08:6A96]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:100E:B205:2978:E8A3:118B:8C08:6A96}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:19, 11 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:19, 11 May 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-05-11, 23:22 ==

* {{Vandal|OhMyCrumbs}}

Vandalized three different user pages. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:22, 11 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:43, 11 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ramoanz|Ramoanz]] ==

* {{vandal|Ramoanz}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:03, 12 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:02, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-05-12, 07:44 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:5CA9:7C7:E242:4A80}}

False additions, mostly profanity. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 08:41, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:12, 12 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/162.238.56.66|162.238.56.66]] ==

* {{vandal|162.238.56.66}}
Vandalism. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 05:55, 14 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Great minds. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:01, 14 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/VoIPTech Solutions|VoIPTech Solutions]] ==

* {{vandal|VoIPTech Solutions}}
username issues &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:10, 14 May 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-05-14, 19:01 ==

* {{IPvandal|67.43.23.34}}

Vandalism. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 19:46, 14 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:52, 14 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C495:B123:425F:F161|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C495:B123:425F:F161]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:C495:B123:425F:F161}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:55, 15 May 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-05-15, 22:14 ==

* {{IPvandal|207.177.166.236}}

This IP address was previously banned for vandalism, and its most recent edits are no exception. It has vandalized [[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)]] by adding nonexistent bits and pieces of dialogue. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 22:16, 15 May 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-05-15, 22:16 ==

* {{IPvandal|98.252.123.147}}

Like the above report, it has ALSO vandalized [[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 22:17, 15 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/BretHose4732|BretHose4732]] ==

* {{vandal|BretHose4732}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:50, 19 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/203.37.239.36|203.37.239.36]] ==

* {{vandal|203.37.239.36}}
Vandalism. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 02:44, 22 May 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-05-24, 02:40 ==

* {{IPvandal|2601:500:8682:DA90:482F:83CE:873A:9DB3}}

Constantly creating articles filled with non-existent media. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 03:13, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/InLoveLyrics|InLoveLyrics]] ==

* {{vandal|InLoveLyrics}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:59, 23 May 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:03, 24 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/110.226.254.141|110.226.254.141]] ==

* {{vandal|110.226.254.141}}
Only used to promote an AI website. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 18:25, 23 May 2024 (UTC)

:globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:04, 24 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/196.75.199.58|196.75.199.58]] ==

* {{vandal|196.75.199.58}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:32, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
: xwiki spam, please see global contributions. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:34, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
::globally blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:04, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Handycleaners123|Handycleaners123]] ==

* {{vandal|Handycleaners123}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:32, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
* {{vandal|Handycleaners123ddgg}}
Added account that made the user above. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:36, 24 May 2024 (UTC)

:globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:05, 24 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Russkyle|Russkyle]] ==

* {{vandal|Russkyle}}
COI problem &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 15:13, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Saneluidach1971|Saneluidach1971]] ==

* {{vandal|Saneluidach1971}}
Promotion account &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 20:43, 24 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Handy gardeners|Handy gardeners]] ==

* {{vandal|Handy gardeners}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:21, 25 May 2024 (UTC)

:Blocked indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:04, 25 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fnurih|Fnurih]] ==

* {{vandal|Fnurih}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:04, 25 May 2024 (UTC)

:Blocked indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:26, 25 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2400:2412:2820:3F00:1160:17C8:449B:708B|2400:2412:2820:3F00:1160:17C8:449B:708B]] ==

* {{vandal|2400:2412:2820:3F00:1160:17C8:449B:708B}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:05, 25 May 2024 (UTC)

:Blocked for 1 month. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:27, 25 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2400:2200:3CB:C7EC:A91C:A33B:DBD6:7241|2400:2200:3CB:C7EC:A91C:A33B:DBD6:7241]] ==

* {{vandal|2400:2200:3CB:C7EC:A91C:A33B:DBD6:7241}}
Abusing talk page, please remove talk page access &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:08, 27 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202.166.164.150|202.166.164.150]] ==

* {{vandal|202.166.164.150}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:52, 28 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SharletDiana24|SharletDiana24]] ==

* {{Vandal|SharletDiana24}}

Spambot. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 13:47, 28 May 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:11, 30 May 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tuk055|Tuk055]] ==

* {{vandal|Tuk055}}
Promotional account &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 19:08, 30 May 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:10, 30 May 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Vmagicmushrooms|Vmagicmushrooms]] ==

* {{vandal|Vmagicmushrooms}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:24, 31 May 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:53, 3 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:3DC6:A8F4:1AAE:D80D|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:3DC6:A8F4:1AAE:D80D]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1700:BFA1:AEB0:3DC6:A8F4:1AAE:D80D}}
Abusing talk page, please remove talk page access &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:56, 3 June 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked (with no access to talk page). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:52, 3 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:206:857E:30D0:6CC8:5BAE:36EF:FB8E|2601:206:857E:30D0:6CC8:5BAE:36EF:FB8E]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:206:857E:30D0:6CC8:5BAE:36EF:FB8E}}
Block evasion, creating a page with vandalism. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 06:03, 4 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} blocked IP one week. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:23, 4 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ikeobi Daniel Ekwevi|Ikeobi Daniel Ekwevi]] ==

* {{vandal|Ikeobi Daniel Ekwevi}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:32, 6 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:00, 7 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Weedpenthcvapess|Weedpenthcvapess]] ==

* {{vandal|Weedpenthcvapess}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:44, 7 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:00, 7 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.167.6.134|75.167.6.134]] ==

* {{vandal|75.167.6.134}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:06, 9 June 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Making bad pages after last block. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:07, 9 June 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-06-9, 08:05 ==

* {{IPvandal|1.136.104.30}}

Removing legitimately added content. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 08:10, 9 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Blocked for a week. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:40, 9 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lmcelligottsce|Lmcelligottsce]] ==

* {{vandal|Lmcelligottsce}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:08, 9 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Revdel and warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:39, 9 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:40B:1:500:F5CC:C9AC:33C3:B3A2|2601:40B:1:500:F5CC:C9AC:33C3:B3A2]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:40B:1:500:F5CC:C9AC:33C3:B3A2}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:27, 10 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} one week. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:55, 11 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nursfpx|Nursfpx]] ==

* {{vandal|Nursfpx}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:51, 11 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} indef and deleted spam userpage [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:56, 11 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tshirtprintingl|Tshirtprintingl]] ==

* {{vandal|Tshirtprintingl}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:02, 12 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} blocked indef, also globally locked. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 05:59, 12 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Funeralflowers11|Funeralflowers11]] ==

* {{vandal|Funeralflowers11}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:00, 11 June 2024 (UTC)
: Already {{done}} [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:40, 12 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/182.178.28.166|182.178.28.166]] ==

* {{vandal|182.178.28.166}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:39, 12 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} blocked one week [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:34, 12 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gameruy723t4i77i312y23|Gameruy723t4i77i312y23]] ==

* {{Vandal|Gameruy723t4i77i312y23}}

Spam. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 17:10, 12 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:30, 12 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ezcelebrations|Ezcelebrations]] ==

* {{vandal|Ezcelebrations}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:47, 13 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:54, 13 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Buyawsaccount|Buyawsaccount]] ==

* {{vandal|Buyawsaccount}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 14 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} indef and deleted spam userpage. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:45, 14 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR|Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR]] ==

* {{vandal|Bola Ahmed Tinubu GCFR}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:34, 14 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} indef and deleted spam userpage. Also globally locked for lock evasion. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 07:48, 14 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Toprankdigital|Toprankdigital]] ==

* {{vandal|Toprankdigital}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 14 June 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:36, 14 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Debare ayomide111|Debare ayomide111]] ==

* {{vandal|Debare ayomide111}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:14, 15 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:53, 16 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Yuqtam|Yuqtam]] ==

* {{vandal|Yuqtam}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:52, 15 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:53, 16 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1003:B03F:CADB:0:5:B62C:401|2600:1003:B03F:CADB:0:5:B62C:401]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1003:B03F:CADB:0:5:B62C:401}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 18 June 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:34, 18 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1003:B05B:9E9E:0:16:A6D7:EE01|2600:1003:B05B:9E9E:0:16:A6D7:EE01]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:1003:B05B:9E9E:0:16:A6D7:EE01}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 20:13, 19 June 2024 (UTC)
: Globally blocked. {{done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 01:07, 20 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mmdumullana9|Mmdumullana9]] ==

* {{vandal|Mmdumullana9}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:27, 20 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:02, 22 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kanan7575|Kanan7575]] ==

* {{vandal|Kanan7575}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:34, 21 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Left talk page access in case he wants to appeal (and is a human). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:02, 22 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/102.89.23.229|102.89.23.229]] ==

* {{vandal|102.89.23.229}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:42, 22 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:57, 22 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2405:201:402B:2054:59A9:5A42:2BEB:3971|2405:201:402B:2054:59A9:5A42:2BEB:3971]] ==

* {{vandal|2405:201:402B:2054:59A9:5A42:2BEB:3971}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:13, 22 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:30, 22 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aryan Hasan (Actor &amp; Singer)|Aryan Hasan (Actor &amp; Singer)]] ==

* {{vandal|Aryan Hasan (Actor &amp; Singer)}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:03, 22 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cardvcc|Cardvcc]] ==

* {{vandal|Cardvcc}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:19, 23 June 2024 (UTC)
* {{vandal|Buyvcc2}}
An account made by this user, promotional username. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:20, 23 June 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-06-25, 10:55 ==

* {{IPvandal|147.161.224.181}}

Repeatedly removes what Wikipedia would term reliable sources from the [[John Pilger]] article's 'About' section and blanking it. Possibly one of my online trolls as he (I assume) seems especially preoccupied by my edits. [[User:Philip Cross|Philip Cross]] ([[User talk:Philip Cross|talk]]) 11:42, 25 June 2024 (UTC)

: This seems to be a content dispute and edit war, not simple vandalism. I left a message on the IP's talk page and started a discussion at [[Talk:John_Pilger|the article talk page]]. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 10:48, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:16A2:C0C0:2ACC:D4C4:7374:B9B0:531A|2001:16A2:C0C0:2ACC:D4C4:7374:B9B0:531A]] ==

* {{vandal|2001:16A2:C0C0:2ACC:D4C4:7374:B9B0:531A}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} blocked and deleted spam page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 10:52, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/অন্তু|অন্তু]] ==

* {{vandal|অন্তু}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:59, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} Blocked and deleted spam page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:03, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/PritamSutkar|PritamSutkar]] ==

* {{vandal|PritamSutkar}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:01, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

:User seems to have posted a personal essay about AI at a random location. That content was already removed. I left a message on the talk page rather than blocking the editor, who may ultimately need blocking but I feel it is too soon. Any more experienced admin (all of you!) should feel free to override this. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:10, 26 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mitesh0211|Mitesh0211]] ==

* {{vandal|Mitesh0211}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:09, 26 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:50, 26 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/103.230.107.41|103.230.107.41]] ==

* {{vandal|103.230.107.41}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:53, 27 June 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Block evasion of [[Special:Contributions/অন্তু]], same actions at [[Mashrafi Antu]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:56, 27 June 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} already globally locked, but I deleted spam page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:26, 27 June 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-06-27, 20:11 ==

* {{Vandal|Sigmagae}}

Inserting false quotes or adding false text to quotes.  [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 20:12, 27 June 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} 31 hours. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 13:19, 30 June 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dk-techzone|Dk-techzone]] ==

* {{vandal|Dk-techzone}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:43, 1 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:51, 1 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] ==

* {{vandal|173.207.58.96}}
Disruptive editing. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:47, 27 June 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} and deleted the 2 test pages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:25, 27 June 2024 (UTC)
:: {{ping|HouseOfChange}} The IP user is making more quoteless pages after the last block. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:43, 5 July 2024 (UTC)
:::{{done}} Blocked for a  month this time. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 5 July 2024 (UTC)
::::A longer block isn't off the table. Seems to be pretty static. I'm guessing a kid on summer break using their home internet. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:30, 5 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/39.62.21.97|39.62.21.97]] ==

* {{vandal|39.62.21.97}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:16, 7 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:59, 7 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ochesmith seven music|Ochesmith seven music]] ==

* {{vandal|Ochesmith seven music}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:22, 8 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:03, 8 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/MinnesotaMike1975|MinnesotaMike1975]] ==

* {{vandal|MinnesotaMike1975}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:24, 8 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:06, 8 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rani147|Rani147]] ==

* {{vandal|Rani147}}
Spam (xwiki) &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:09, 6 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. Page deleted. Future spam should be blocked. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:59, 7 July 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] {{declined}}, not a spambot, not cross-wiki spam. Please report when further disruption happened. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 12:49, 8 July 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-07-9, 17:32 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:A54D:E40B:D523:1C4D}}

This user is removing content from [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] and [[Joseph: King of Dreams]] falsely claiming that the former is not part of the Transformers franchise and the latter not a prequel to [[The Prince of Egypt]]. Wikipedia blocked his IP range for the same reason. [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 17:38, 9 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{not done}} as stale, but this was inappropriate. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:54, 11 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dahecoh|Dahecoh]] ==

* {{vandal|Dahecoh}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:40, 10 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:54, 11 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Barbiejacket|Barbiejacket]] ==

* {{vandal|Barbiejacket}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:23, 11 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:54, 11 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/InnovatrixInfotech123|InnovatrixInfotech123]] ==

* {{vandal|InnovatrixInfotech123}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 11 July 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:41, 11 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Prodriversacademy|Prodriversacademy]] ==

* {{vandal|Prodriversacademy}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:23, 12 July 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} though not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:06, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jetsetairmotiveinc2|Jetsetairmotiveinc2]] ==

* {{vandal|Jetsetairmotiveinc2}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:24, 12 July 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:06, 14 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/186.174.74.183|186.174.74.183]] ==

* {{vandal|186.174.74.183}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:23, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
: [[Special:Contributions/Meow_Gob_CL]] is also related here. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:26, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} and deleted spam page [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:06, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kevinandrewprudente16|Kevinandrewprudente16]] ==

* {{vandal|Kevinandrewprudente16}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:43, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:06, 14 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Moonschein06|Moonschein06]] ==

* {{vandal|Moonschein06}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:40, 15 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:35, 15 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ochesmith 00|Ochesmith 00]] ==

* {{vandal|Ochesmith 00}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:28, 15 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:36, 15 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Zoyakhan872829|Zoyakhan872829]] ==

* {{vandal|Zoyakhan872829}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:56, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:Already locked. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:50, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rizwanahmad0179|Rizwanahmad0179]] ==

* {{vandal|Rizwanahmad0179}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:01, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:Already locked. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:50, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/UdSSSSR|UdSSSSR]] ==

* {{vandal|UdSSSSR}}
LTA/GRP &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:09, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:Already locked. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:51, 17 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Xelentsolutions|Xelentsolutions]] ==

* {{vandal|Xelentsolutions}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:33, 19 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:16, 19 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Legendaryma|Legendaryma]] ==

* {{vandal|Legendaryma}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Problematic edit deleted by someone else, no block made, but could be made if justified by further actions or if another admin thinks its wise. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:41, 21 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lovely boy8979|Lovely boy8979]] ==

* {{vandal|Lovely boy8979}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Problematic edit deleted by someone else, no block made, but could be made if justified by further actions or if another admin thinks its wise. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 21 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:44C8:4506:38D6:1:0:B7D4:C60A|2001:44C8:4506:38D6:1:0:B7D4:C60A]] ==

* {{vandal|2001:44C8:4506:38D6:1:0:B7D4:C60A}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:05, 17 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Problematic edits deleted by someone else, no block made, but could be made if justified by further actions or if another admin thinks its wise. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 21 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Pawan rathor|Pawan rathor]] ==

* {{vandal|Pawan rathor}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:33, 18 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:41, 21 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Alibase24|Alibase24]] ==

* {{vandal|Alibase24}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:55, 22 July 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Already locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:45, 22 July 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 09:55, 22 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:44C8:4482:3F46:1:1:582F:8433|2001:44C8:4482:3F46:1:1:582F:8433]] ==

* {{vandal|2001:44C8:4482:3F46:1:1:582F:8433}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:11, 23 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} The one edit in the /64 range is a pretty useless talk page creation, so I deleted it, but I don't think it requires more action here until/unless something more disruptive happens. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:14, 23 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:206:857E:30D0:E456:8C30:37E1:CEB1|2601:206:857E:30D0:E456:8C30:37E1:CEB1]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:206:857E:30D0:E456:8C30:37E1:CEB1}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:35, 23 July 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:58, 23 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Searchconsole1122|Searchconsole1122]] ==

* {{vandal|Searchconsole1122}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:42, 23 July 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 23 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/203.37.239.68|203.37.239.68]] ==

* {{vandal|203.37.239.68}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:48, 24 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:51, 24 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Your loan partner|Your loan partner]] ==

* {{vandal|Your loan partner}}
Promotional username &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:10, 24 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{not done}} No edits yet, locally or globally. Seems like it would be spam, but if the person never actually edits... —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:11, 28 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Maryamraiz|Maryamraiz]] ==

* {{vandal|Maryamraiz}}
Lock evasion of [[Special:Contributions/RorRaje]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:28, 27 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:11, 28 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:62E1:8F31:4AC4:EB36:4839:670E|2401:4900:62E1:8F31:4AC4:EB36:4839:670E]] ==

* {{vandal|2401:4900:62E1:8F31:4AC4:EB36:4839:670E}}
Lock evasion of [[Special:CentralAuth/Maryamraiz]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:09, 28 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} IP of above user. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:12, 28 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/83.26.199.173|83.26.199.173]] ==

* {{vandal|83.26.199.173}}
LTA &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:14, 29 July 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked for a month. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 29 July 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/يوسف احمد حمو|يوسف احمد حمو]] ==

* {{vandal|يوسف احمد حمو}}
Making attack pages (unsourced negative biographies), please check the machine translation results of their pages. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:04, 30 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:12, 30 July 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2409:40F4:1C:78CB:93D:32B2:161F:0/64|2409:40F4:1C:78CB:93D:32B2:161F:0/64]] ==

* {{vandal|2409:40F4:1C:78CB:93D:32B2:161F:0/64}}
Lock evasion of [[Special:Contributions/PUPPYMANG]], [[Special:Contributions/Maryam_Noor26]], [[Special:Contributions/Jishnu_Raghav]], [[Special:Contributions/Jeevan_shree]], [[Special:Contributions/Asiant22]], etc. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:34, 30 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:17, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Online assignment help melbourne|Online assignment help melbourne]] ==

* {{vandal|Online assignment help melbourne}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:05, 30 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:17, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/83.26.198.71|83.26.198.71]] ==

* {{vandal|83.26.198.71}}
LTA/GRP &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 30 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:18, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fashionskincarebd|Fashionskincarebd]] ==

* {{vandal|Fashionskincarebd}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:46, 31 July 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:18, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcode124|Aarcode124]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcode124}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:12, 2 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:19, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodeszirakpur|Aarcodeszirakpur]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodeszirakpur}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:14, 2 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:20, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-08-2, 10:18 ==

* {{Vandal|Air-sitter-boi}}

Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:26, 2 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}}. I didn't see vandalism, but he said that he's an alternate account with no particular rationale. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:21, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TonySStancil|TonySStancil]] ==

* {{vandal|TonySStancil}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:01, 3 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — permanently blocked &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:15, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mariaholt24|Mariaholt24]] ==

* {{vandal|Mariaholt24}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:02, 3 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — permanently blocked &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:16, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tyler durden Jacket|Tyler durden Jacket]] ==

* {{vandal|Tyler durden Jacket}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:53, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:29, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Movingchamp|Movingchamp]] ==

* {{vandal|Movingchamp}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:54, 3 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:29, 3 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Harrykingsmill|Harrykingsmill]] ==

* {{vandal|Harrykingsmill}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:42, 5 August 2024 (UTC)
* {{done}} also cleanup. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:00, 5 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/199.7.157.75|199.7.157.75]] ==

* {{vandal|199.7.157.75}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:43, 5 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}}, also cleanup. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:00, 5 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B027:F06:93F2:B472:4FAB:6200:801|2A02:B027:F06:93F2:B472:4FAB:6200:801]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B027:F06:93F2:B472:4FAB:6200:801}}
[[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]] &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:49, 5 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 6 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ademolabright|Ademolabright]] ==

* {{vandal|Ademolabright}}
Making pages without quotes &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:08, 6 August 2024 (UTC)
: Locked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 14:27, 8 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.9.75.141|96.9.75.141]] ==

* {{vandal|96.9.75.141}}
link spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 15:28, 6 August 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) This IP is still active with the same behavior. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:31, 8 August 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}} for a year. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 14:27, 8 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Anika22575|Anika22575]] ==

* {{vandal|Anika22575}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:57, 8 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:51, 8 August 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-08-9, 09:26 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0/64}}

The vast majority of edits from this small range are vandalism, it has been going on for a year and a half and has already been [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&amp;page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3ADCA9%3AE700%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 blocked twice]. [[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 10:07, 9 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B023:F06:4D14:0:0:0:0/64|2A02:B023:F06:4D14:0:0:0:0/64]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B023:F06:4D14:0:0:0:0/64}}
[[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]] &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:13, 9 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked and deleted latest new pages. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:42, 9 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Joe brown juizzy b|Joe brown juizzy b]] ==

* {{vandal|Joe brown juizzy b}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:10, 8 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:24, 12 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dealslamas|Dealslamas]] ==

* {{vandal|Dealslamas}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:35, 10 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} thanks for letting us know. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:27, 12 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodes123|Aarcodes123]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodes123}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:38, 12 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:57, 12 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/MulletheadMickey1984|MulletheadMickey1984]] ==

* {{vandal|MulletheadMickey1984}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:31, 13 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} reported for cross-wiki abuse. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:55, 13 August 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-08-13, 03:57 ==

* {{IPvandal|100.7.31.245}}

Vandalism. Replacing words with emojis and otherwise defacing quotes, most recently on [[Pinocchio (1940 film)]]. [[User:Hagigishiri|Hagigishiri]] ([[User talk:Hagigishiri|talk]]) 04:10, 13 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} one week rangeblock —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:16, 13 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Devidhons|Devidhons]] ==

* {{vandal|Devidhons}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 13 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:18, 13 August 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-08-13, 18:37 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:5DDA:6AF2:F3ED:7001}}

This user is removing content from [[The Prince of Egypt]], [[Joseph: King of Dreams]], [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] and [[Loonatics Unleashed]] and spreading lies about [[The Father (2020 film)]] and [[News Of The World]]. [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 18:42, 13 August 2024 (UTC)
: Misfiled. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 03:38, 14 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/DrSahilSingla01|DrSahilSingla01]] ==

* {{vandal|DrSahilSingla01}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:15, 14 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:22, 14 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/RestaurantsinNoida|RestaurantsinNoida]] ==

* {{vandal|RestaurantsinNoida}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:16, 14 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:23, 14 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cassandra355|Cassandra355]] ==

* {{vandal|Cassandra355}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:20, 14 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:08, 14 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Angela B. Luzara|Angela B. Luzara]] ==

* {{vandal|Angela B. Luzara}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:48, 15 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Warned. This seems like a person and not a bot, so I'm hopeful this is enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:35, 15 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:8899:9536:E99B:830:AFCC:8BC2|2401:4900:8899:9536:E99B:830:AFCC:8BC2]] ==

* {{vandal|2401:4900:8899:9536:E99B:830:AFCC:8BC2}}
Spammer &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 13:52, 15 August 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:04, 15 August 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-08-15, 17:22 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:5DDA:6AF2:F3ED:7001}}

Appears to be the same person in my last report. [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 17:24, 15 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:41, 15 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Brian wheels|Brian wheels]] ==

* {{vandal|Brian wheels}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:45, 16 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:07, 16 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Hasnainabbassmakly|Hasnainabbassmakly]] ==

* {{vandal|Hasnainabbassmakly}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 16 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:58, 16 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Vikasleemani12|Vikasleemani12]] ==

* {{vandal|Vikasleemani12}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:48, 18 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:07, 18 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aaron Kuehn|Aaron Kuehn]] ==

* {{vandal|Aaron Kuehn}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:27, 18 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} reported globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 18 August 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-08-19, 14:18 ==

* {{IPvandal|2A05:4F44:1704:D500:3D19:6B7B:1A47:481B}}

A short explanation for why this IP should be blocked. Unexplained blanking. [[User:ToadetteEdit|ToadetteEdit]] ([[User talk:ToadetteEdit|talk]]) 14:20, 19 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:37, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/156.210.164.3|156.210.164.3]] ==

* {{vandal|156.210.164.3}}
LTA &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 14:42, 19 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:37, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/74.101.173.194|74.101.173.194]] ==

* {{IPvandal|74.101.173.194}}

Made [[Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures of Pinocchio|two]] [[Ed, Edd n Eddy: Back in Action|pages]] that are clearly fanmade content. Also [[Special:Diff/3563534|adds actors]] [[Special:Diff/3563171|that were never involved in certain films.]] [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 20:55, 19 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shex4alby|Shex4alby]] ==

* {{vandal|Shex4alby}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:32, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} and deleted spam page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:55, 20 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/PlahWestGuy2024|PlahWestGuy2024]] ==

* {{vandal|PlahWestGuy2024}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:33, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

:He's globally locked, tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:58, 21 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rudrakitchen|Rudrakitchen]] ==

* {{vandal|Rudrakitchen}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:34, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} blocked by GMG. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:59, 21 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ahmad669|Ahmad669]] ==

* {{vandal|Ahmad669}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:19, 21 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} blocked by me, spam deleted by UDScott. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:39, 22 August 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/The Trust worthy one|The Trust worthy one]] ==

* {{vandal|The Trust worthy one}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:32, 22 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:40, 22 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jchangchua|Jchangchua]] ==

* {{vandal|Jchangchua}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:45, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} and deleted spam. Unclear to me how this user, who was already globally locked, was able to come to WQ to drop more spam. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:04, 23 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Michaelclone|Michaelclone]] ==

* {{vandal|Michaelclone}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:56, 26 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:25, 26 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/147.41.128.35|147.41.128.35]] ==

* {{vandal|147.41.128.35}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 27 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:11, 28 August 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-08-27, 21:45 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:5DDA:6AF2:F3ED:7001}}

The user has resumed adding unconfirmed information after being blocked. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 22:06, 27 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} since one week block didn't discourage, trying a one month block. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:12, 28 August 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-08-29, 00:28 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1010:B07F:271C:5C99:1823:C918:EE44}}

Same vandal trying to evade a block. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 00:30, 29 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:15, 29 August 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-08-29, 00:31 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1010:B07F:271C:9B0:3128:55CB:8CB8}}

Same vandal from my last report. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 00:33, 29 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:15, 29 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/24.115.4.171|24.115.4.171]] ==

* {{IPvandal|24.115.4.171}}

[[Special:Diff/3564098|random]] [[Special:Diff/3559314|assortments]] [[Special:Diff/3558989|of animal species vandalism]]; this user has been at least committing these acts of vandalism since [[Special:Diff/3034226|November 2021 at the earliest]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 18:23, 19 August 2024 (UTC)
:Has now done [[Special:Diff/3570636|this edit]] which falls in line with its other random animal species edits. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 17:15, 29 August 2024 (UTC)
::I don't see how these are vandalism. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:25, 29 August 2024 (UTC)
:::These edits aren't exactly constructive, and some users have had problems with it (it was blocked for exactly this reason last time). [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 19:11, 29 August 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] ==

* {{vandal|173.207.58.96}}
Restarted creation of pages without quotes. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:54, 31 August 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:27, 1 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:447:C600:4840:6D23:BF3C:49E5:C661|2601:447:C600:4840:6D23:BF3C:49E5:C661]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:447:C600:4840:6D23:BF3C:49E5:C661}}
Repeating the creation of quoteless pages. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:24, 1 September 2024 (UTC)

:Left warning on talk page. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:27, 1 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aliarshad01|Aliarshad01]] ==

* {{vandal|Aliarshad01}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 1 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} indeffed [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 23:28, 1 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodeszirakpur1|Aarcodeszirakpur1]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodeszirakpur1}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:12, 2 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:49, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodesmarketingzir|Aarcodesmarketingzir]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodesmarketingzir}}
Spam-only account. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 06:38, 4 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:49, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adamjes|Adamjes]] ==

* {{vandal|Adamjes}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:11, 4 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:49, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Selfishpinetree2005|Selfishpinetree2005]] ==

* {{vandal|Selfishpinetree2005}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:11, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:50, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/205.250.225.143|205.250.225.143]] ==

* {{vandal|205.250.225.143}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:46, 5 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Thecustomboxe|Thecustomboxe]] ==

* {{vandal|Thecustomboxe}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:26, 5 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:30, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wolfandpravato|Wolfandpravato]] ==

* {{vandal|Wolfandpravato}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:17, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:50, 5 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CinematicfyVision|CinematicfyVision]] ==

* {{vandal|CinematicfyVision}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:50, 6 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:19, 6 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:1900:80A9:FECF:0:0:0:1|2401:1900:80A9:FECF:0:0:0:1]] ==

* {{vandal|2401:1900:80A9:FECF:0:0:0:1}}
spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 15:28, 6 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} thanks for catching this. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:13, 7 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/AngrySubGeniusGuysBiggestPunishmentsEverForAllOfYou|AngrySubGeniusGuysBiggestPunishmentsEverForAllOfYou]] ==

* {{vandal|AngrySubGeniusGuysBiggestPunishmentsEverForAllOfYou}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:CFA|CFA]] ([[User talk:CFA|talk]]) 21:45, 8 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}}, blocked globally, local deletions, reported to legal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:41, 8 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Zzautowreckers|Zzautowreckers]] ==

* {{vandal|Zzautowreckers}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:10, 10 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:14, 10 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/188.187.27.71|188.187.27.71]] ==

* {{vandal|188.187.27.71}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:16, 10 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:23, 10 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/153.107.19.249|153.107.19.249]] ==

* {{vandal|153.107.19.249}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 02:08, 11 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:16, 11 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Trueauthenticapparel|Trueauthenticapparel]] ==

* {{vandal|Trueauthenticapparel}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:21, 11 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:40, 11 September 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-09-13, 03:04 ==

* {{IPvandal|2601:206:857E:20F0:19DD:BB4E:270C:FB32}}

John Deer John sock, judging from [[Special:Diff/3579778|these]] [[Special:Diff/3579786|edits]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 03:07, 13 September 2024 (UTC)
: I suggest a block for [[Special:Contributions/2601:206:857E:20F0:0:0:0:0/64]] (/64 range that includes this IP), previously blocked for 2 weeks ([[special:redirect/logid/3508843]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:30, 13 September 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 11:47, 13 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Crtechnology01|Crtechnology01]] ==

* {{vandal|Crtechnology01}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:39, 13 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:20, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-09-14, 16:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:B8EE:9E2:B269:4F0A}}

Same vandal on [[News Of The World]] and [[The Father (2020 film)]] trying to evade a block. [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 17:53, 14 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:21, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Crtechnology21|Crtechnology21]] ==

* {{vandal|Crtechnology21}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:10, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:21, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/124.253.2.209|124.253.2.209]] ==

* {{vandal|124.253.2.209}}
Vandalism. Block evasion of [[Special:CentralAuth/Aarcodes_Market]] &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:04, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:22, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodesmarketing1235|Aarcodesmarketing1235]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodesmarketing1235}}
Promotional username &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:05, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:23, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodesmarketing12345|Aarcodesmarketing12345]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodesmarketing12345}}
Promotional username &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:05, 17 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:23, 17 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/136.158.33.179|136.158.33.179]] ==

* {{vandal|136.158.33.179}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:31, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-09-20, 02:17 ==

* {{Vandal|Boostupexpert}}

Spambot; promotional content on talk page. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:17, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sorsrentals|Sorsrentals]] ==

* {{vandal|Sorsrentals}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:09, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:12, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Designmateproau|Designmateproau]] ==

* {{vandal|Designmateproau}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:10, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:13, 20 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Writeronrent|Writeronrent]] ==

* {{vandal|Writeronrent}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:22, 20 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:55, 20 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/WatsonBen14|WatsonBen14]] ==

* {{vandal|WatsonBen14}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:14, 22 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} and spam userpage speedied. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:52, 22 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu|Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu]] ==

* {{vandal|Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:39, 22 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — this account has been globally blocked at Meta-wiki. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:56, 22 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TheShapeofEvil|TheShapeofEvil]] ==

* {{vandal|TheShapeofEvil}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:27, 22 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — this account has been permanently blocked. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:50, 22 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Selfishpinetree2005|Selfishpinetree2005]] ==

* {{vandal|Selfishpinetree2005}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 02:17, 23 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:35, 23 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Climateplusuae|Climateplusuae]] ==

* {{vandal|Climateplusuae}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:51, 23 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:36, 23 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/NYbible study|NYbible study]] ==

* {{vandal|NYbible study}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:26, 23 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:36, 23 September 2024 (UTC)
== New report 2024-09-25, 14:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:B8EE:9E2:B269:4F0A}}

This user is once again re-adding false information about [[News of the World]] and [[The Father (2020 film)]] being DirectTV exclusives. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 14:58, 25 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Monkey9797|Monkey9797]] ==

* {{vandal|Monkey9797}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:56, 25 September 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — blocked. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:15, 26 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Divydestination|Divydestination]] ==

* {{vandal|Divydestination}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:18, 27 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adebiyi Grace|Adebiyi Grace]] ==

* {{vandal|Adebiyi Grace}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:09, 27 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChriskirklandLegacy|ChriskirklandLegacy]] ==

* {{vandal|ChriskirklandLegacy}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:54, 28 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:05, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sostravelindia|Sostravelindia]] ==

* {{vandal|Sostravelindia}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:56, 28 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:05, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarcodesbaltana|Aarcodesbaltana]] ==

* {{vandal|Aarcodesbaltana}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:06, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:06, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Thetrashporters|Thetrashporters]] ==

* {{vandal|Thetrashporters}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:14, 30 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:36, 30 September 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ucartzonline|Ucartzonline]] ==

* {{vandal|Ucartzonline}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:56, 30 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 30 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:C7C:DAAE:A400:7943:40DE:35CA:EDDF|2A02:C7C:DAAE:A400:7943:40DE:35CA:EDDF]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:C7C:DAAE:A400:7943:40DE:35CA:EDDF}}
removing deletion templates &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:TenWhile6|TenWhile6]] ([[User talk:TenWhile6|talk]]) 14:18, 30 September 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Pages are not protected now, but if disruption continues, they should be. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:36, 30 September 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Agboolawaheed12|Agboolawaheed12]] ==

* {{vandal|Agboolawaheed12}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:58, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:01, 1 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/152.22.74.24|152.22.74.24]] ==

* {{vandal|152.22.74.24}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:13, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally, all edits reverted locally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:44, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adek50003|Adek50003]] ==

* {{vandal|Adek50003}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:14, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally, all edits deleted locally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:45, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/204.63.214.24|204.63.214.24]] ==

* {{IPvandal|204.63.214.24}}

Persistent vandalism on [[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 17:19, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

:What vandalism? [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Beauty_and_the_Beast_%281991_film%29&amp;diff=3590416&amp;oldid=3588097 This] string of edits is not &quot;vandalism&quot;. Your edit summary, on the other hand, is unacceptable. I've looked at several diffs and none of them are vandalism, so if you have one, please provide it. Otherwise, this looks like a simple content dispute that should be resolved via the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:36, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Yassange|Yassange]] ==

* {{vandal|Yassange}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:47, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 1 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lavis8w87|Lavis8w87]] ==

* {{vandal|Lavis8w87}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:15, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:24, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/45.137.44.58|45.137.44.58]] ==

* {{vandal|45.137.44.58}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:08, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:35, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Catcat2024|Catcat2024]] ==

* {{vandal|Catcat2024}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:13, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} User warned. I hope that's enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:49, 2 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2A02:B021:F07:76F6:0:0:0:0/64|2A02:B021:F07:76F6:0:0:0:0/64]] ==

* {{vandal|2A02:B021:F07:76F6:0:0:0:0/64}}
[[:w:Wikipedia:Long-term abuse/Alec Smithson]] &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:59, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:42, 3 October 2024 (UTC)
::Also doing the same for [[Special:Contributions/188.12.182.29]], which appears related. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:44, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/120.29.79.229|120.29.79.229]] ==

* {{vandal|120.29.79.229}}
Possible off-topic talk page usage. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:35, 3 October 2024 (UTC)
: Please also note that [[Special:Contributions/PrinceLiam2024]], [[Special:Contributions/Mauricesigma]], and [[Special:Contributions/Royangelajulian]] are also having the same issues. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:39, 3 October 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} - Fairly innocuous additions, but they've all been reverted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:23, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sarkaripedia|Sarkaripedia]] ==

* {{vandal|Sarkaripedia}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:54, 3 October 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:25, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Monish836bugjh&quot;|Monish836bugjh&quot;]] ==

* {{vandal|Monish836bugjh&quot;}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:07, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:42, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/168.244.193.21|168.244.193.21]] ==

* {{vandal|168.244.193.21}}
Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:39, 3 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Trolling. Previously blocked at this IP. Blocked 6 months this time. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:41, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/&quot;cricbets99&quot;|&quot;cricbets99&quot;]] ==

* {{vandal|&quot;cricbets99&quot;}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:33, 4 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:43, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Agboolarofiat112|Agboolarofiat112]] ==

* {{vandal|Agboolarofiat112}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:22, 5 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}}  globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:43, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/50.186.38.148|50.186.38.148]] ==

* {{vandal|50.186.38.148}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:15, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} one week, [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 03:48, 6 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/136.158.3.155|136.158.3.155]] ==

* {{vandal|136.158.3.155}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:11, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:55, 7 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/83.30.179.229|83.30.179.229]] ==

* {{vandal|83.30.179.229}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:43, 7 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:56, 7 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bhérghonom|Bhérghonom]] ==

* {{vandal|Bhérghonom}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:44, 7 October 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Already locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:53, 7 October 2024 (UTC)
::{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:56, 7 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Charlieaust14|Charlieaust14]] ==

* {{vandal|Charlieaust14}}
Vandalism-only account. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:05, 7 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:28, 7 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/103.127.0.163|103.127.0.163]] ==

* {{vandal|103.127.0.163}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:15, 8 October 2024 (UTC)
: Gblocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Abduxalil Burxonovv|Abduxalil Burxonovv]] ==

* {{vandal|Abduxalil Burxonovv}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:09, 8 October 2024 (UTC)
: Locked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)

== New report 2024-10-8, 23:06 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:B8EE:9E2:B269:4F0A}}

It's the same liar trying to resume the same lies at [[The Father (2020 film)]] and [[News of the World]]. It's stressing me out. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 23:39, 8 October 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] Done, 31 hours, please stop edit warring with them next time. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:19, 9 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Vape Guru|Vape Guru]] ==

* {{vandal|Vape Guru}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:54, 8 October 2024 (UTC)
: @[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] {{Done}} -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 00:15, 9 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/110.54.137.204|110.54.137.204]] ==

* {{vandal|110.54.137.204}}
Spam / spambot. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:26, 9 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:10, 9 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Compressor01|Compressor01]] ==

* {{vandal|Compressor01}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:09, 9 October 2024 (UTC)
: (Note) Already blocked/locked. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:21, 10 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202.151.73.68|202.151.73.68]] ==

* {{vandal|202.151.73.68}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:06, 10 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:51, 11 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Drkolli|Drkolli]] ==

* {{vandal|Drkolli}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:37, 11 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:51, 11 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Thebeastmanbabe|Thebeastmanbabe]] ==

* {{vandal|Thebeastmanbabe}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:01, 13 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:10, 13 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adventureswithgeeksss|Adventureswithgeeksss]] ==

* {{vandal|Adventureswithgeeksss}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:59, 14 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:57, 14 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ahmad5911|Ahmad5911]] ==

* {{vandal|Ahmad5911}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:14, 14 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:57, 14 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/193.237.71.122|193.237.71.122]] ==

* {{vandal|193.237.71.122}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 14 October 2024 (UTC)
:{{done}} — blocked for a month. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:38, 14 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bhavani340|Bhavani340]] ==

* {{vandal|Bhavani340}}
Spam (hiding external links in red links) &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:57, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Indeffed. That was very weird content being hidden in those pages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:48, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/LUPCO ET AL VS AABACO MACHADO|LUPCO ET AL VS AABACO MACHADO]] ==

* {{vandal|LUPCO ET AL VS AABACO MACHADO}}
Vandalism. Activity overlaps at [[Superman]] with similar IPs. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:01, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} Already globally locked, but I undid the only &quot;contribution&quot; from this LTA account. The IPs making similar edits at [[Superman]] seem to be &quot;hopping&quot; rather than easily blocked. I protected [[Superman]] for a month, autoconfirmed only, so it's now a harder target for this user. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:02, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Blmitkc01|Blmitkc01]] ==

* {{vandal|Blmitkc01}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:01, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:30, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jrjrjfjfiimdmsmsks|Jrjrjfjfiimdmsmsks]] ==

* {{vandal|Jrjrjfjfiimdmsmsks}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:39, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:30, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/65.181.15.93|65.181.15.93]] ==

* {{vandal|65.181.15.93}}
LTA &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 13:54, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 14:31, 15 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/RSND GLOBAL TRADE|RSND GLOBAL TRADE]] ==

* {{Vandal|RSND GLOBAL TRADE}}

Spambot (see user page). [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 01:52, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:02, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/47.185.214.191|47.185.214.191]] ==

* {{vandal|47.185.214.191}}
Vandalism. Same as [[Special:Contributions/185.187.3.74]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:38, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: Blocked for 1.07d. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:45, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/148.103.106.108|148.103.106.108]] ==

* {{vandal|148.103.106.108}}
Vandalism. Same as [[Special:Contributions/47.185.214.191]], etc. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:40, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: Blocked for 1.07d. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:45, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Uktelcoltd|Uktelcoltd]] ==

* {{vandal|Uktelcoltd}}
Spam, username issues. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:20, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: blocked, TPA revokd. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:42, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:241:8800:7CD0:412C:AB40:17F9:0/64|2601:241:8800:7CD0:412C:AB40:17F9:0/64]] ==

* {{vandal|2601:241:8800:7CD0:412C:AB40:17F9:0/64}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:17, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: Global blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:52, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/154.127.184.88|154.127.184.88]] ==

* {{vandal|154.127.184.88}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:17, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: Blocked for 1.07d. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:52, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/185.187.3.74|185.187.3.74]] ==

* {{vandal|185.187.3.74}}
Vandalism. Same as [[Special:Contributions/154.127.184.88]] and [[Special:Contributions/2601:241:8800:7CD0:412C:AB40:17F9:0/64]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:30, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: Blocked for 1.07d. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 06:52, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/38.44.240.227|38.44.240.227]] ==

* {{vandal|38.44.240.227}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:21, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
: 1 years for Open proxy. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 08:55, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/148.0.210.214|148.0.210.214]] ==

* {{vandal|148.0.210.214}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:54, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:36, 16 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] ==

* {{vandal|173.207.58.96}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:35, 6 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{Done}} Not sure that it's exactly &quot;vandalism&quot;, but seems like good-natured and very wrong-headed editing. Leaving a note at talk. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:55, 7 October 2024 (UTC)
:: {{ping|Koavf}} After block expiration, they came back without improvement. Please take care of the pages. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:45, 17 October 2024 (UTC)
:::{{done}} ''again''. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 09:54, 17 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:387:C:7213:0:0:0:4|2600:387:C:7213:0:0:0:4]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:387:C:7213:0:0:0:4}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:49, 16 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:04, 17 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8700:2D04:0:0:0:0/64|2603:8001:8700:2D04:0:0:0:0/64]] ==

* {{vandal|2603:8001:8700:2D04:0:0:0:0/64}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:44, 17 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:06, 17 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Valienteseniorliving0125|Valienteseniorliving0125]] ==

* {{vandal|Valienteseniorliving0125}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:51, 18 October 2024 (UTC)
: {{done}}, blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:08, 18 October 2024 (UTC)
== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:387:15:1118:0:0:0:7|2600:387:15:1118:0:0:0:7]] ==

* {{vandal|2600:387:15:1118:0:0:0:7}}
Vandalism &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:06, 19 October 2024 (UTC)
: blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎&lt;span style=&quot;color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px&quot;&gt;'''Lemonaka'''‎&lt;/span&gt;]] 01:17, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Pearllemon07|Pearllemon07]] ==

* {{vandal|Pearllemon07}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:19, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:23, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TP Thủ Đức 80A06612|TP Thủ Đức 80A06612]] ==

* {{vandal|TP Thủ Đức 80A06612}}
Spam, same as [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Non-English_w:WP:NOTWEBHOST_issues_related_to_Special:CentralAuth/Ville_de_Thu_Duc_80A33111]]. &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:23, 21 October 2024 (UTC)

== Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jahanaparveen|Jahanaparveen]] ==

* {{vandal|Jahanaparveen}}
Spam &lt;small&gt;[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]&lt;/small&gt; --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:45, 20 October 2024 (UTC)

:{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:24, 21 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>eqyyi31ssm6kthu05nfuk1mzg0f6mq2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Agnes Pareyio</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280653</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607451</id>
      <parentid>3603998</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T07:40:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added a Quote #shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607451</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1165" sha1="ijgqepv9k8y1vs0rsuxvzin3cdwbgns" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup}}
'''Agnes Pareyio (born 24 June 1956) is a Maasai Kenyan women's rights activist, politician, founder, and director of the Tasaru Ntomonok Rescue Center for Girls, an organization that campaigns against female genital cutting. Pareyio was named United Nations in Kenya Person of the Year in 2005, for her work towards gender equality and women's empowerment.

== Quotes ==  
** “When we come together our voices are heard, today all of us in this room play a role in ending FGM in our communities.&quot;
    **https://x.com/UNFPAKen/status/1192343904571531264?mx=2**
** &quot;I promised myself, on the day my vagina was mutilated, that I would never let another girl be mutilated.&quot;
** &quot;When women stand up and defend themselves, it works.&quot;
https://www.onebillionrising.org/27-many-also-sign-revolution-agnes-pareyio/

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>ijgqepv9k8y1vs0rsuxvzin3cdwbgns</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>SeaChange (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280660</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607419</id>
      <parentid>3603745</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:29:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607419</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="8062" sha1="f1tecxbg4i23munvandns1th5xde2mi" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[SeaChange]]'''''.

==Something Rich and Strange [1.1]==
:'''Gwenda''': Oh look, Jack called, give him a ring will you?  Here.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Ugh, every time he goes interstate he calls me a dozen times a day.
:'''Gwenda''': Ah, that's so sweet.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Yeah, well it is when you're not busy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': What is that scratching noise?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh, mud crabs. I've got five beauties in the bucket!
:'''Laura Gibson''': Well can they escape?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': I wouldn't brake suddenly.

==Full Fathom Five [1.2]==

==A Matter of Taste [1.3]==

==The Official Story [1.4]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': This oven should be heating up by now, I think it might be broken. What do you think?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh I don't know, I'm an expert on cakes not ovens.
:'''Laura Gibson''': It's brand new, I bought it from Bob Jelly
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh well, in that case I do know......It's broken.

==The Fellowship of the Suit [1.5]==
:'''Simmo''': He said green. This is black.
:'''Griff''': Green. Black...
:'''Simmo''': It'll show dandruff.
:'''Griff''': So use a conditioner!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': ''[chanting]'' Slow down...keep calm...slow down...keep calm...
:'''Miranda Gibson''': ''[chanting]'' I want to go home...I want to go home...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Phrani Gupta''': Every day you draw an extra bit closer to forty and then, hey presto! You're history.
:'''Trudi Gibson''': Thanks. I'll remember that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Trudi Gibson''': I've seen a lot more of the world than you have!
:'''Laura Gibson''': So what?! So you can have better slide nights?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': ''[offering wine]'' I thought this might go with what you're cooking.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Sausages.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Mm. It was made for it.


==One of the Gang [1.6]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': In the old days your father and I used to go skinny dipping. We'd play in the waves, run naked along the beach and we made love in the sand. ''[Off her children's looks]'' We were married at the time. Deeply in love. There was no one around. 
:'''Rupert Gibson''': Yuck!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': I think I might go for a swim.
:'''Miranda Gibson''': Now?
:'''Laura Gibson''': Well I'm not going to go to sleep with Heather doing her salute to The Platters. Do you want to come?
:'''Miranda Gibson''': ''[reading]'' Nah. Princess Daisy's getting married.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Hm...I think perhaps the television's not such a bad idea after all...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': (Notices Dan is fishing as she is skinny dipping) Have you been here long?!
:'''Diver Dan''': No I um... arrived a couple of minutes before you did ... yeah.

==Stormy Weather [1.7]==

==My Own Sweetheart [1.8]==

==Balls and Friggin Good Luck [1.9]==

==The Accidental Activist [1.10]==
:'''Rupert Gibson''': Where're we going today?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': The other side of the river. Where did you think?
:'''Rupert Gibson''': Well yesterday you took us to the Sea of Tranquility.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Well that was yesterday. I had more fuel.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Robert Jelly''': You people are morons! All of you, pig ignorant!
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh, don't try to sweet talk us Bob. It won't work.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Angus Kabiri''': Do you reckon you'll ever have another serious relationship?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': What, in percentage terms?
:'''Angus Kabiri''': Yeah, if you like.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Zero...Oh, well, maybe 5%...8%! 8% tops.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Craig Jelly''': Broken down?
:'''Miranda Gibson''': No, we're giving the engine a suntan.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': ''[after Laura has turned up at 3:30am to say she cannot go on a picnic with him]'' Hm. Maybe 23%...

==Love Me or Leave Me [1.11]==
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': You know that goldfish only remember five seconds into their past?
:'''Ray''': Really? It's like politicians.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Yeah. They basically swim round and round in a bowl and every five seconds one of them says &quot;Crikey. Would you take a look at that?&quot;...Did you know that goldfish only remember five seconds into their past?
:'''Ray''': Really? It's like politicians.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Closing the eyes...relax...loose buttocks...Now, say after me; &quot;I can be appalling...I can be appalling...&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': And how is the word used, please?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Usual way. John can claque. Betty can claque. See John claque.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': You let her lie. You just gave up.
:'''Sergeant Graham Grey''': No. I was only going to make matters worse.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh, what, too much bloody paper work?
:'''Sergeant Graham Grey''': No, Dan. I'd be forcing her to give evidence she didn't want to give. I would be putting her away for perjury and the boy ends up with the father. She's the victim, mate. In the end I would have just been prosecuting a victim.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': I'm sorry. I really am. 
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh, look, I'd like to blame you but I can't. You, Graham, Maggie...everyone's trapped.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Including your mother.
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Oh, yeah. At least she tried to break free.

==Perchance to Dream [1.12]==

==Sex, Death and Bridges [1.13]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': What about you? Where's your stuff?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': I'm the teacher, I don't have to look stupid. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': ''[after Laura and Dan spend a passionate moment]'' Oh, well, I'm glad we got that out of the way.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Monday school crossing began with the usual bad jokes and neurotic asides but that's all behind us now. Tuesday school crossing will be filled with anticipation for Wednesday's crossing where we expect blissful weather and an absolutely perfect journey...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Karen Miller''': Angus?
:'''Angus Kabiri''': Mm.
:'''Karen Miller''': I know these last fifteen days have been a bit difficult for the both of us with, uh, finally breaking up and everything. But I feel that we've both learned a lot about how we both...feel.
:'''Angus Kabiri''': Hm. Yeah?
:'''Karen Miller''': I know that I am a very different person than I was two weeks ago. That's for sure. I was wondering how you would feel about getting back together again?
:'''Angus Kabiri''': So...you wanna have a relationship?
:'''Karen Miller''': No. I just thought we'd, ah, go back to the way it was - the &quot;having a cooling off&quot; period - before we go back officially.
:'''Angus Kabiri''': Yeah...I don't know. I mean, you kinda hurt me a bit. 
:'''Karen Miller''': I know. It was just something I had to do.
:'''Angus Kabiri''': ''[long pause]'' Yeah. I guess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': In all my time as a doctor I still can't get used to the idea of having to tell a mother that the child she carries has died.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': [picking up the phone] It's me. Life is swings and round-a-bouts, isn't it? It's hard to make sense of some things. But, um, all I do know is that I am alive and you're alive and, ah, I do not want to look back when I am ninety and think that I let something important slip by. I've got two hours now. Can you meet me?
:'''Daniel Della Bosca''': Yeah. I'll see you there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laura Gibson''': What was that? (Said while her and Dan are in bed together)
:'''Diver Dan''': I think it was a knock at the door?
:'''Laura''':Oh! (Laura starts to move)
:'''Diver Dan''': You're not seriously considering getting that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Diver Dan''': It helps if you walk backwards (in flippers).
:'''Laura Gibson''': Yeah sure! (Laura continues to walk forward)

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:SeaChange seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>f1tecxbg4i23munvandns1th5xde2mi</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>SeaChange (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280663</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607423</id>
      <parentid>3603752</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:41:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607423</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1761" sha1="2j23iynnx4lhdb3b2w0vhdh98bsw8p4" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of '''''[[SeaChange]]'''''.

==If Fish Could Fly [2.1]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': If you change your mind, you know where to find me, all alone ... naked.

==Vaya Con Dios To All That [2.2]==
:'''Laura Gibson''':Dan, if I could start my life again I would start it with you.

==The House that Jack Built [2.4]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': Life is a complete cock up.

==Manna From Heaven [2.8]==
:'''Laura Gibson''': What do you believe in, Karen? 
:'''Karen Miller''': Oh, I'm Catholic, I'm lucky, I don't have to think about it. 
:'''Laura Gibson''': So, what do you believe?  
:'''Karen Miller''': Uh, I believe what Catholics believe.
:'''Laura Gibson''': All of it?  The virgin birth, the resurrection, creationism? 
:'''Karen Miller''': Yeah, all that.
:'''Laura Gibson''': Without question?  
:'''Karen Miller''': Well, there’s not much point in believing in something if you question it all the time.  It’s not like I’m obsessed, or anything.  I don’t go to church that much since it got washed away.
:'''Laura Gibson''': What about eternal damnation for not attending weekly mass?
:'''Karen Miller''': No, no.  I don’t believe that one!


:'''Laura Gibson''': Oh, every family's got a few skeletons in the closet.
:'''Miranda Gibson''': So you don't mind me telling everyone that your sister's about to have my father's baby, and that my brother and I will have a cousin that will also be our half-brother or sister?

==Kitty Litter [2.11]==
:'''Rupert Gibson''': Why does the cat have to die just because two silly old people fight all the time?

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:SeaChange seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>2j23iynnx4lhdb3b2w0vhdh98bsw8p4</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>SeaChange (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280664</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607422</id>
      <parentid>3603753</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:40:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607422</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="942" sha1="nxzbfgd9azivby0c53cyow4mduzg8xt" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[SeaChange]]'''''.

==Best Laid Plans...==

==How Much Greener was My Neighbour's Valley==

==Hungi Jury==

==Bonfire of the VCRs==

==Pipeline==

==Adversely Possessed==

==Blowing in the Wind==

==I Name Thee Bay of Pearls==

==Eminent Persons==

==Checks and Balances==

==Love in the time of Coleridge [3.11]==
:'''Max Connors''': I've been shooting albatrosses all my life. I was ... only hoping that this time the wound wasn't fatal.

==To Thine Own Self Be Relatively True ==

==Half Life [3.13]==
:'''Max Connors''': We could name the baby Rex.
:'''Laura Gibson''': I am absolutely not naming our child after your kelpie!
:'''Max Connors''': He was a very good dog!
:'''Laura Gibson''':Mmmm... anyway it might be a girl.

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:SeaChange seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>nxzbfgd9azivby0c53cyow4mduzg8xt</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>SeaChange (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280665</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607420</id>
      <parentid>3603754</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:33:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607420</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="462" sha1="ov5mldhdds7f00lmcccedvc5ics76yi" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[SeaChange]]'''''.

==Back Where We Belong==

==Magic in the Moonlight==

==Mother of all Dilemmas==

==A Chair, a Seahorse and an Incompetent Crim==

==Hope and Heartbreak==

==The Art of Fishing==

==It's Kissing Time==

==Love Will Find a Way==

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:SeaChange seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>ov5mldhdds7f00lmcccedvc5ics76yi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607421</id>
      <parentid>3607420</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:34:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607421</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="460" sha1="2v5aulshe084ybz4hdwjfh0bx27p439" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[SeaChange]]'''''.

==Back Where We Belong==

==Magic in the Moonlight==

==Mother of all Dilemmas==

==A Chair, a Seahorse and an Incompetent Crim==

==Hope and Heartbreak==

==The Art of Fishing==

==It's Kissing Time==

==Love Will Find a Way==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:SeaChange seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>2v5aulshe084ybz4hdwjfh0bx27p439</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Silver Brumby (animated series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280671</id>
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        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
{{W|The Silver Brumby (TV series)|'''''The Silver Brumby'''''}} is an Australian animated children's television series written by Jon Stephens, Judy Malmgren and Paul Williams based on [[w:Elyne Mitchell|Elyne Mitchell's]] [[w:Silver Brumby|Silver Brumby]] books.

==Seasons==
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|Season 1]]'''
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|Season 2]]'''
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|Season 3]]'''

== Voice cast ==
* [[John Higginson]] as Thowra (Season 1)
* Brett Climo as Thowra (Season 2-3)
* Doug Tremlett
* Rhys Muldoon
* Stephen Whittaker
* Andrew Balloch as Yooralla
* [[w:Rebecca Gibney|Rebecca Gibney]] as Boon Boon (Season 1)
* Michael Carman
* Marg Downey as Boon Boon, Mrs. Dingo, Mrs. Wombat Eee and Whipbird
* [[w:Bud Tingwell|Charles &quot;Bud&quot; Tingwell]] as Benni
* Richard Aspel
* Chris Lyons as Charlie
* Edward Hepple as The Old Prospector
* [[John Stanton]] as The Brolga
* Matthew King as Don

== See also ==
* ''[[The Silver Brumby (film)|The Silver Brumby]]''

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series)}}
{{wikipedia|The Silver Brumby (TV series)}}

[[category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated TV shows]]</text>
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      <id>3607425</id>
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        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
{{W|The Silver Brumby (TV series)|'''''The Silver Brumby'''''}} is an Australian animated children's television series written by Jon Stephens, Judy Malmgren and Paul Williams based on [[w:Elyne Mitchell|Elyne Mitchell's]] [[w:Silver Brumby|Silver Brumby]] books.

==Seasons==
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|Season 1]]''' (1996)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|Season 2]]''' (1997)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|Season 3]]''' (1998)

== Voice cast ==
* [[John Higginson]] as Thowra (Season 1)
* Brett Climo as Thowra (Season 2-3)
* Doug Tremlett
* Rhys Muldoon
* Stephen Whittaker
* Andrew Balloch as Yooralla
* [[w:Rebecca Gibney|Rebecca Gibney]] as Boon Boon (Season 1)
* Michael Carman
* Marg Downey as Boon Boon, Mrs. Dingo, Mrs. Wombat Eee and Whipbird
* [[w:Bud Tingwell|Charles &quot;Bud&quot; Tingwell]] as Benni
* Richard Aspel
* Chris Lyons as Charlie
* Edward Hepple as The Old Prospector
* [[John Stanton]] as The Brolga
* Matthew King as Don

== See also ==
* ''[[The Silver Brumby (film)|The Silver Brumby]]''

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series)}}
{{wikipedia|The Silver Brumby (TV series)}}

[[category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated TV shows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607426</id>
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        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
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      <comment>/* Voice cast */</comment>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
{{W|The Silver Brumby (TV series)|'''''The Silver Brumby'''''}} is an Australian animated children's television series written by Jon Stephens, Judy Malmgren and Paul Williams based on [[w:Elyne Mitchell|Elyne Mitchell's]] [[w:Silver Brumby|Silver Brumby]] books.

==Seasons==
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|Season 1]]''' (1996)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|Season 2]]''' (1997)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|Season 3]]''' (1998)

== Voice cast ==
* [[John Higginson]] as Thowra (Season 1)
* Brett Climo as Thowra (Season 2-3)
* Doug Tremlett
* Rhys Muldoon
* Stephen Whittaker
* Andrew Balloch as Yooralla
* [[w:Rebecca Gibney|Rebecca Gibney]] as Boon Boon (Season 1)
* Michael Carman
* [[w:Marg Downey|Marg Downey]] as Boon Boon, Mrs. Dingo, Mrs. Wombat Eee and Whipbird
* [[w:Bud Tingwell|Charles &quot;Bud&quot; Tingwell]] as Benni
* Richard Aspel
* Chris Lyons as Charlie
* Edward Hepple as The Old Prospector
* [[John Stanton]] as The Brolga
* Matthew King as Don

== See also ==
* ''[[The Silver Brumby (film)|The Silver Brumby]]''

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series)}}
{{wikipedia|The Silver Brumby (TV series)}}

[[category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>8c65brdx26d4y4d78ifp6j5wmlyy40e</sha1>
    </revision>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>124.187.225.152</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Voice cast */</comment>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
{{W|The Silver Brumby (TV series)|'''''The Silver Brumby'''''}} is an Australian animated children's television series written by Jon Stephens, Judy Malmgren and Paul Williams based on [[w:Elyne Mitchell|Elyne Mitchell's]] [[w:Silver Brumby|Silver Brumby]] books.

==Seasons==
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|Season 1]]''' (1996)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|Season 2]]''' (1997)
* '''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|Season 3]]''' (1998)

== Voice cast ==
* [[John Higginson]] as Thowra (Season 1)
* Brett Climo as Thowra (Season 2-3)
* Doug Tremlett
* Rhys Muldoon
* Stephen Whittaker
* Andrew Balloch as Yooralla
* [[w:Rebecca Gibney|Rebecca Gibney]] as Boon Boon (Season 1)
* Michael Carman as Currawong, Mopoke and Wombat
* [[w:Marg Downey|Marg Downey]] as Boon Boon, Mrs. Dingo, Aranda, Mrs. Wombat, Eee and Whipbird
* [[w:Bud Tingwell|Charles &quot;Bud&quot; Tingwell]] as Benni
* Richard Aspel
* Chris Lyons as Charlie
* Edward Hepple as The Old Prospector
* [[John Stanton]] as The Brolga
* Matthew King as Don

== See also ==
* ''[[The Silver Brumby (film)|The Silver Brumby]]''

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series)}}
{{wikipedia|The Silver Brumby (TV series)}}

[[category:Australian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Australian children's animated TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>o6zli13k3xcwenr642k3e3mzppz5cno</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280672</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607416</id>
      <parentid>3604428</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:18:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:35F5:DD96:7A3B:6111</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Lost in the Snow */</comment>
      <origin>3607416</origin>
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      <text bytes="2003" sha1="kl1s7xyrgq3yciqmrhsgfc6siz58ubo" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|The Silver Brumby]]'''''.

==Friends of the High Country==
:'''Thowra''': Arrow! ''[neighs]'' Where are the colts you’ll let them freedom!

==Wombats to the Rescue==
:'''Currawong''': The men captured Arrow and Storm.

==Lost in the Snow==
:'''Anne''': Help!

==Flight To Freedom==
:'''The Man''': I’ll catch you yet you silver mane devil!

==Old Prospector Saves a Friend==
==Benni Returns the Favour==
:'''Prospector''': Stone of crows! I must be dead I’ve seen ghosts!

==Racing Against the Wind==
==The Sight of Golden==
==Golden in Trouble==
==A Wombat on the Road==
:'''Baby Wombat''': Sorry, Thowra.
:'''Benni''': He's Thowra I’m Benni.
:'''Thowra''': Time for you to go home, Baby Wombat. Your father’s looking for you. He’s very worried.

==Fire==
:'''Prospector''': Oh it’s no good, I can’t save her.
:'''The Man''': ''[arrives on Echo]'' No, but you can still save yourself.
:'''Prospector''': Thank heavens you’re here. The Silver Brumby he saved me.
:'''The Man''': Quickly climbed up before it’s too late.
:'''Prospector''': Okay I’m coming.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arrow''': Help! HELP! HEEEPPPPLLLL!!
:'''Thowra''': Arrow, It’s me Thowra.
:'''Arrow''': Thowra.
:'''Eee''': O wise and wonderful Thowra.
:'''Mu''': Saved us, Thowra.

==Golden Goes Home==
:'''Golden''':

==Seeking a Legend==
:'''Currawong''': Don’t worry, boss. You get him next time.

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)}}
* {{wikipedia-inline|The_Silver_Brumby_(TV_series)#Season_1_(1996–97)|The Silver Brumby (TV series) (season 1)}}
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:35F5:DD96:7A3B:6111</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Old Prospector Saves a Friend */</comment>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|The Silver Brumby]]'''''.

==Friends of the High Country==
:'''Thowra''': Arrow! ''[neighs]'' Where are the colts you’ll let them freedom!

==Wombats to the Rescue==
:'''Currawong''': The men captured Arrow and Storm.

==Lost in the Snow==
:'''Anne''': Help!

==Flight To Freedom==
:'''The Man''': I’ll catch you yet you silver mane devil!

==Old Prospector Saves a Friend==
:'''Prospector''': Damm trappers!

==Benni Returns the Favour==
:'''Prospector''': Stone of crows! I must be dead I’ve seen ghosts!

==Racing Against the Wind==
==The Sight of Golden==
==Golden in Trouble==
==A Wombat on the Road==
:'''Baby Wombat''': Sorry, Thowra.
:'''Benni''': He's Thowra I’m Benni.
:'''Thowra''': Time for you to go home, Baby Wombat. Your father’s looking for you. He’s very worried.

==Fire==
:'''Prospector''': Oh it’s no good, I can’t save her.
:'''The Man''': ''[arrives on Echo]'' No, but you can still save yourself.
:'''Prospector''': Thank heavens you’re here. The Silver Brumby he saved me.
:'''The Man''': Quickly climbed up before it’s too late.
:'''Prospector''': Okay I’m coming.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arrow''': Help! HELP! HEEEPPPPLLLL!!
:'''Thowra''': Arrow, It’s me Thowra.
:'''Arrow''': Thowra.
:'''Eee''': O wise and wonderful Thowra.
:'''Mu''': Saved us, Thowra.

==Golden Goes Home==
:'''Golden''':

==Seeking a Legend==
:'''Currawong''': Don’t worry, boss. You get him next time.

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)}}
* {{wikipedia-inline|The_Silver_Brumby_(TV_series)#Season_1_(1996–97)|The Silver Brumby (TV series) (season 1)}}
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>jygajg5mum5npfzvfwkhr3t4rnwbcgb</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280674</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607418</id>
      <parentid>3603788</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T04:22:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:35F5:DD96:7A3B:6111</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
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      <text bytes="1076" sha1="oqreqojr8zz8swca08w50agnlqc68e9" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 1)|1]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 2)|2]] / [[The Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[The Silver Brumby (animated series)|The Silver Brumby]]'''''.

==Long Hot Summer==
==An Unwelcome Stranger==
==Foals in Trouble==
==The Brolga Wants a Fight==
==Charlie Saves the Brumbies==
==Emus Get a Break==
==Trapped in the Snow==
==Youngsters' Winter Woes==
==An Unexpected Encounter==
==The Cave of Wonder==
:'''Thowra''': I am '''READY'''! ''[echoes and whinnies]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Arrow''': Help! '''HHHEEELLLPPPP!!!!'''

==A Bothersome Nuisance==
==Getting Together==
==The Final Encounter==

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Silver Brumby (animated series) (season 3)}}
* {{wikipedia-inline|The_Silver_Brumby_(TV_series)#Season_3_(1998)|The Silver Brumby (TV series) (season 3)}}

[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Talk:Eric S. Raymond</title>
    <ns>1</ns>
    <id>280778</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607374</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
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      <comment>Added quote</comment>
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      <text bytes="31754" sha1="rmnptcqek3om4qiro6yqx8k18erntra" xml:space="preserve">== Quotes ==
=== Inbox ===
:''Quotes which may be considered for inclusion.''

==== ''The Cathedral and the Bazaar'' quotes ====
{{collapse top}}
* Anyway, in a world of cheap PCs and fast Internet links, we find pretty consistently that the only really limiting resource is skilled attention.

* Investors are still thinking through the consequences of reinventing the software industry as one with an explicit focus on service rather than closed intellectual property, and will be for some time to come.

* The behavior of retailers when a vendor folds is very revealing. It tells us that they know something the vendors don't. What they know is this: the price a consumer will pay is effectively capped by the expected future value of vendor service (where &quot;service&quot; is here construed broadly to include enhancements, upgrades, and follow-on projects). In other words, software is largely a service industry operating under the persistent but unfounded delusion that it is a manufacturing industry.

* The reason this is a serious issue is that both the pool of users and the pool of talent available to be recruited into open-source cooperation for any given product category is limited, and recruitment tends to stick. If two producers are the first and second to open-source competing code of roughly equal function, the first is likely to attract the most users and the most and best-motivated co-developers; the second will have to take leavings. Recruitment tends to stick, as users gain familiarity and developers sink time investments in the code itself.

* In computer hardware, where freedom reigns for both suppliers and consumers alike on a global scale, the industry generates the fastest innovation in product and customer value the world has ever seen.

* For purposes of examining the software market itself, it will be helpful to sort kinds of software by how completely the service they offer is describable by open technical standards, which is well correlated with how commoditized the underlying service has become.

* In a future that includes competition from open source, we can expect that the eventual destiny of any software technology will be to either die or become part of the open infrastructure itself. While this is hardly happy news for entrepreneurs who would like to collect rent on closed software forever, it does suggest that the software industry as a whole will remain entrepreneurial, with new niches constantly opening up at the upper (application) end and a limited lifespan for closed-IP monopolies as their product categories fall into infrastructure.

* The free market, in its widest libertarian sense including all un-coerced activity whether trade or gift, can produce perpetually increasing software wealth for everyone.

* If you're really ahead of the game, plagiarism is a trap you want your competitors to fall into!

* One thing I understood from the beginning is that the press almost completely tunes out abstractions. They won't write about ideas without larger-than-life personalities fronting them. Everything has to be story, drama, conflict, sound bites. Otherwise, most reporters will simply go to sleep — and even if they don't, their editors will.

* Yes, the success of open source does call into some question the utility of command-and-control systems, of secrecy, of centralization, and of certain kinds of intellectual property. It would be almost disingenuous not to admit that it suggests (or at least harmonizes well with) a broadly libertarian view of the proper relationship between individuals and institutions.

* Similarly, to be a hacker you have to get a basic thrill from solving problems, sharpening your skills, and exercising your intelligence. If you aren't the kind of person that feels this way naturally, you'll need to become one in order to make it as a hacker. Otherwise you'll find your hacking energy is sapped by distractions like sex, money, and social approval. (You also have to develop a kind of faith in your own learning capacity — a belief that even though you may not know all of what you need to solve a problem, if you tackle just a piece of it and learn from that, you'll learn enough to solve the next piece — and so on, until you're done.)

* Nobody who can think should ever be forced into a situation that bores them.

* The ARPAnet/PDP-10 culture, wedded to LISP and MACRO and TOPS-10 and ITS and SAIL. The Unix and C crowd with their PDP-11s and VAXen and pokey telephone connections. And an anarchic horde of early microcomputer enthusiasts bent on taking computer power to the people.

* Users are wonderful things to have, and not just because they demonstrate that you're serving a need, that you've done something right. Properly cultivated, they can become co-developers.

* When you lose interest in a program, your last duty to it is to hand it off to a competent successor.

* Open-source development breaks this bind, making it far easier for tester and developer to develop a shared representation grounded in the actual source code and to communicate effectively about it.

* The organization of the software and the organization of the software team will be congruent.

* If you want the most efficient production, you must give up trying to make programmers produce. Handle their subsistence, give them their heads, and forget about deadlines.

* We're proving not only that we can do better software, but that joy is an asset.

* Joy, humor, and playfulness are indeed assets.

* The verdict of history seems to be that free-market capitalism is the globally optimal way to cooperate for economic efficiency; perhaps, in a similar way, the reputation-game gift culture is the globally optimal way to cooperate for generating (and checking!) high-quality creative work.

* There is a critical difference (Ryan observes) between saying, &quot;I'm giving you this reward because I recognize the value of your work&quot;, and &quot;You're getting this reward because you've lived up to my standards.&quot; The first does not demotivate; the second does.

* If you treat your beta-testers as if they're your most valuable resource, they will respond by becoming your most valuable resource.

* The history of Unix should have prepared us for what we're learning from Linux (and what I've verified experimentally on a smaller scale by deliberately copying Linus's methodsNote 12). That is, while coding remains an essentially solitary activity, the really great hacks come from harnessing the attention and brainpower of entire communities. The developer who uses only his or her own brain in a closed project is going to fall behind the developer who knows how to create an open, evolutionary context in which feedback exploring the design space, code contributions, bug-spotting, and other improvements come from from hundreds (perhaps thousands) of people.

* Another vital factor was the development of a leadership style and set of cooperative customs that could allow developers to attract co-developers and get maximum leverage out of the medium.

* The Linux world behaves in many respects like a free market or an ecology, a collection of selfish agents attempting to maximize utility which in the process produces a self-correcting spontaneous order more elaborate and efficient than any amount of central planning could have achieved. Here, then, is the place to seek the &quot;principle of understanding&quot;. The &quot;utility function&quot; Linux hackers are maximizing is not classically economic, but is the intangible of their own ego satisfaction and reputation among other hackers. (One may call their motivation &quot;altruistic&quot;, but this ignores the fact that altruism is itself a form of ego satisfaction for the altruist). Voluntary cultures that work this way are not actually uncommon; one other in which I have long participated is science fiction fandom, which unlike hackerdom has long explicitly recognized &quot;egoboo&quot; (ego-boosting, or the enhancement of one's reputation among other fans) as the basic drive behind volunteer activity. Linus, by successfully positioning himself as the gatekeeper of a project in which the development is mostly done by others, and nurturing interest in the project until it became self-sustaining, has shown an acute grasp of Kropotkin's &quot;principle of shared understanding&quot;. This quasi-economic view of the Linux world enables us to see how that understanding is applied. We may view Linus's method as a way to create an efficient market in &quot;egoboo&quot; — to connect the selfishness of individual hackers as firmly as possible to difficult ends that can only be achieved by sustained cooperation. With the fetchmail project I have shown (albeit on a smaller scale) that his methods can be duplicated with good results. Perhaps I have even done it a bit more consciously and systematically than he.

* Many people (especially those who politically distrust free markets) would expect a culture of self-directed egoists to be fragmented, territorial, wasteful, secretive, and hostile. But this expectation is clearly falsified by (to give just one example) the stunning variety, quality, and depth of Linux documentation. It is a hallowed given that programmers hate documenting; how is it, then, that Linux hackers generate so much documentation? Evidently Linux's free market in egoboo works better to produce virtuous, other-directed behavior than the massively-funded documentation shops of commercial software producers. Both the fetchmail and Linux kernel projects show that by properly rewarding the egos of many other hackers, a strong developer/coordinator can use the Internet to capture the benefits of having lots of co-developers without having a project collapse into a chaotic mess. So to Brooks's Law I counter-propose the following: Provided the development coordinator has a communications medium at least as good as the Internet, and knows how to lead without coercion, many heads are inevitably better than one.

* The case can be put less negatively: where network effects (positive network externalities) dominate, open source is likely to be the right thing.

* It may well turn out that one of the most important effects of open source's success will be to teach us that play is the most economically efficient mode of creative work.

* The Lockean logic of custom suggests strongly that open-source hackers observe the customs they do in order to defend some kind of expected return from their effort. The return must be more significant than the effort of homesteading projects, the cost of maintaining version histories that document &quot;chain of title&quot;, and the time cost of making public notifications and waiting before taking adverse possession of an orphaned project. Furthermore, the &quot;yield&quot; from open source must be something more than simply the use of the software, something else that would be compromised or diluted by forking. If use were the only issue, there would be no taboo against forking, and open-source ownership would not resemble land tenure at all. In fact, this alternate world (where use is the only yield, and forking is unproblematic) is the one implied by existing open-source licenses. We can eliminate some candidate kinds of yield right away. Because you can't coerce effectively over a network connection, seeking power is right out. Likewise, the open-source culture doesn't have anything much resembling money or an internal scarcity economy, so hackers cannot be pursuing anything very closely analogous to material wealth (e.g. the accumulation of scarcity tokens). There is one way that open-source activity can help people become wealthier, however — a way that provides a valuable clue to what actually motivates it. Occasionally, the reputation one gains in the hacker culture can spill over into the real world in economically significant ways. It can get you a better job offer, or a consulting contract, or a book deal. This kind of side effect, however, is at best rare and marginal for most hackers; far too much so to make it convincing as a sole explanation, even if we ignore the repeated protestations by hackers that they're doing what they do not for money but out of idealism or love. However, the way such economic side effects are mediated is worth examination.

* Amabile goes on to observe that &quot;The more complex the activity, the more it's hurt by extrinsic reward.&quot; Interestingly, the studies suggest that flat salaries don't demotivate, but piecework rates and bonuses do. Thus, it may be economically smart to give performance bonuses to people who flip burgers or dug ditches, but it's probably smarter to decouple salary from performance in a programming shop and let people choose their own projects (both trends that the open-source world takes to their logical conclusions). Indeed, these results suggest that the only time it is a good idea to reward performance in programming is when the programmer is so motivated that he or she would have worked without the reward! Other researchers in the field are willing to point a finger straight at the issues of autonomy and creative control that so preoccupy hackers. &quot;To the extent one's experience of being self-determined is limited,&quot; said Richard Ryan, associate psychology professor at the University of Rochester, &quot;one's creativity will be reduced as well.&quot; In general, presenting any task as a means rather than an end in itself seems to demotivate. Even winning a competition with others or gaining peer esteem can be demotivating in this way if the victory is experienced as work for reward (which may explain why hackers are culturally prohibited from explicitly seeking or claiming that esteem).

* Indeed, it seems the prescription for highest software productivity is almost a Zen paradox; if you want the most efficient production, you must give up trying to make programmers produce. Handle their subsistence, give them their heads, and forget about deadlines. To a conventional manager this sounds crazily indulgent and doomed — but it is exactly the recipe with which the open-source culture is now clobbering its competition.

* If (as is generally accepted) over 75% of a typical software project's life-cycle costs will be in maintenance and debugging and extensions, then the common price policy of charging a high fixed purchase price and relatively low or zero support fees is bound to lead to results that serve all parties poorly. Consumers lose because, even though software is a service industry, the incentives in the factory model all work against a vendor's offering competent service. If the vendor's money comes from selling bits, most effort will go into making bits and shoving them out the door; the help desk, not a profit center, will become a dumping ground for the least effective employees and get only enough resources to avoid actively alienating a critical number of customers.

* Part of the answer certainly lies in the fact that using software does not decrease its value. Indeed, widespread use of open-source software tends to increase its value, as users fold in their own fixes and features (code patches). In this inverse commons, the grass grows taller when it's grazed upon.

* In the absence of money compensation, think &quot;It's not worth submitting this fix because I'll have to clean up the patch, write a ChangeLog entry, and sign the FSF assignment papers…&quot;. It's for this reason that the number of contributors (and, at second order, the success of) projects is strongly and inversely correlated with the number of hoops each project makes a contributing user go through. Such friction costs may be political as well as mechanical. Together I think they explain why the loose, amorphous Linux culture has attracted orders of magnitude more cooperative energy than the more tightly organized and centralized BSD efforts — and why the Free Software Foundation has receded in relative importance as Linux has risen.

* An almost equally important payoff of open source is its utility as a way to propagate open standards and build markets around them. The dramatic growth of the Internet owes much to the fact that nobody owns TCP/IP; nobody has a proprietary lock on the core Internet protocols. The network effects behind TCP/IP's and Linux's success are fairly clear and reduce ultimately to issues of trust and symmetry — potential parties to a shared infrastructure can rationally trust it more if they can see how it works all the way down, and will prefer an infrastructure in which all parties have symmetrical rights to one in which a single party is in a privileged position to extract rents or exert control. It is not, however, actually necessary to assume network effects in order for symmetry issues to be important to software consumers. No software consumer will rationally choose to lock itself.

* Brook's Law: &quot;Adding more programmers to a late project makes it later.&quot;
{{collapse bottom}}

==== ''The Art of Unix Programming'' quotes ====
{{collapse top}}
* Top-down tends to be good practice when three preconditions are true: (a) you can specify in advance precisely what the program is to do, (b) the specification is unlikely to change significantly during implementation, and (c) you have a lot of freedom in choosing, at a low level, how the program is to get that job done.

* Transparency is therefore more than an esthetic triumph; it is a victory that will be reflected in lower costs throughout the software's life cycle.

* There is a flip side to this. In the Unix world, libraries which are delivered as libraries should come with exerciser programs.

* CSV (fields separated by commas, double quotes used to escape commas, no continuation lines) is rarely found under Unix.

* Use # as an introducer for comments. It is good to have a way to embed annotations and comments in data files. It's best if they're actually part of the file structure, and so will be preserved by tools that know its format. For comments that are not preserved during parsing, # is the conventional start character.

* When you feel the urge to design a complex binary file format, or a complex binary application protocol, it is generally wise to lie down until the feeling passes.

* One of the many consequences of the exponential power-versus-time curve in computing, and the corresponding pace of software development, is that 50% of what one knows becomes obsolete over every 18 months.

* Rule of Optimization: Prototype before polishing. Get it working before you optimize it.

* The nightmare scenario is one in which corporate monopolism and statist power-seeking, always natural allies, feed back into each other and create rationales for increasing regulation, repression, and criminalization of digital speech.

* Web pages get bogged down in the dispute over whether the reader or author should control the appearance.

* When the superior programmer refrains from coding, his force is felt for a thousand miles.

* Tools that look glossy but shatter under stress are not good long-term value.

* One of the main lessons of Zen is that we ordinarily see the world through a haze of preconceptions and fixed ideas that proceed from our desires. To achieve enlightenment, we must follow the Zen teaching not merely to let go of desire and attachment, but to experience reality exactly as it is—without the preconceptions and the fixed ideas getting in the way.

* Rushing to optimize before the bottlenecks are known may be the only error to have ruined more designs than feature creep. From tortured code to incomprehensible data layouts, the results of obsessing about speed or memory or disk usage at the expense of transparency and simplicity are everywhere. They spawn innumerable bugs and cost millions of man-hours—often, just to get marginal gains in the use of some resource much less expensive than debugging time. Disturbingly often, premature local optimization actually hinders global optimization (and hence reduces overall performance). A prematurely optimized portion of a design frequently interferes with changes that would have much higher payoffs across the whole design, so you end up with both inferior performance and excessively complex code.

* To design for compactness and orthogonality, start from zero. Zen teaches that attachment leads to suffering; experience with software design teaches that attachment to unnoticed assumptions leads to non-orthogonality, noncompact designs, and projects that fail or become maintenance nightmares.

* To design the perfect anti-Unix, write an operating system that thinks it knows what you're doing better than you do. And then adds injury to insult by getting it wrong.

* Make each program do one thing well. To do a new job, build afresh rather than complicate old programs by adding new features.

* Are the individual functions in your modules too large? This is not so much a matter of line count as it is of internal complexity. If you can't informally describe a function's contract with its callers in one line, the function is probably too large.9 9 Many years ago, I learned from Kernighan &amp; Plauger's The Elements of Programming Style a useful rule. Write that one-line comment immediately after the prototype of your function. For every function, without exception.

* As with buildings, it's easier to repair superstructure on top of a solid foundation than it is to replace the foundations without trashing the superstructure.

* When you see the right thing, do it—this may look like more work in the short term, but it's the path of least effort in the long run. If you don't know what the right thing is, do the minimum necessary to get the job done, at least until you figure out what the right thing is. To do the Unix philosophy right, you have to be loyal to excellence. You have to believe that software design is a craft worth all the intelligence, creativity, and passion you can muster. Otherwise you won't look past the easy, stereotyped ways of approaching design and implementation; you'll rush into coding when you should be thinking. You'll carelessly complicate when you should be relentlessly simplifying—and then you'll wonder why your code bloats and debugging is so hard.

* Mixing languages is better than writing everything in one, if and only if using only that one is likely to overcomplicate the program.
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==== Apple quotes ====
{{collapse top}}
* The [[w:iPad|iPad]] is the ultimate [[Steve Jobs]] device – so hypnotic that not only do people buy one without knowing what it's good for, they keep feeling like they ought to use it even when they have better alternatives for everything it does. It's a triumph of style over substance, cool over utility, form over actual function.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=1931 &quot;Apple, postmodern consumerism and the iPad&quot;] (22 April 2010)

* The [[iPhone]] brand is in worse shape than I thought was even possible. And the implications of that are huge. … The iPhone is in ''deep'' trouble.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=2898 &quot;The Smartphone Wars: AT&amp;T CEO reveals all&quot;] (27 January 2011)

* It has been quite humorous watching the acolytes of the iPhone sink into deeper and deeper denial as [[w:Android (operating system)|Android]] blows through obstacles at ever-accelerating speed. It would require an epic poet, or perhaps a psychiatrist specializing in religious mania, to do full justice to this topic.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=3132 &quot;The Smartphone Wars: The Stages of Apple-Cultist Denial&quot;] (18 April 2011)

* [[Apple Inc.|Apple]] is balancing on a knife edge. I think we're looking at the end stage of a successful technology disruption on the classic pattern. The question is no longer whether Android can be stopped, but when Apple's market share will fall off a cliff. I think that could easily happen as soon as the next 90 days.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=3152 &quot;The Smartphone Wars: multicarrier breakout fail&quot;] (21 April 2011)

* The case for dumping iPhone, or at least threatening to do so in order to renegotiate Apple's subsidy requirement away, seems pretty open and shut. Apple has things all its own way right now – skimming the lion's share of the profits off the carriers' business without having to shoulder their risks. But this is an unstable situation, because the carriers' investors won't tolerate it indefinitely. What happens when they revolt?&lt;p&gt;In 2007, It was also planning to launch hi-tech mobile back covers and cases with some extra-ordinary features which was not revealed as per company policies, but it was leaked that those were personsalised mobile back covers similar to [https://shosal.com Shosal's Mobile Back Covers and Cases].
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=4128 &quot;The Smartphone Wars: The market share scramble and Apple's long con&quot;] (8 February 2012)

* An Apple employee copied Sony's design, circulated it to his bosses, and testified to these facts in court. From now on, when anyone heaps phrase on Apple's design excellence and superlative innovation, just point and laugh. Some of us have been saying for years that what Apple is really good at is ripping off other peoples' ideas and stealing the credit for them with slick marketing. This, right here, is the proof.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=4479 &quot;The Smartphone Wars: The iPhone Design Was Inspired by Sony&quot;] (20 July 2012)
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A great many quotes pertaining to the same topic. History may have proved some of it wrong. In any case, the category could use some trimming. [[User:BurningLibrary|BurningLibrary]] ([[User talk:BurningLibrary|talk]]) 18:32, 29 October 2024 (UTC)

=== Outbox ===
:''Quotes which may belong somewhere else.''

==== Quote about Seymour Cray ====
* Seymour Cray, designer of the Cray line of supercomputers, was among the greatest. He is said once to have toggled an entire operating system of his own design into a computer of his own design through its front-panel switches. In octal. Without an error. And it worked. Real Programmer macho supremo.
** [[Eric S. Raymond]]: [http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/cathedral-bazaar/hacker-history/ ''A Brief History of Hackerdom''], [http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/cathedral-bazaar/hacker-history/index.html#id2763962 &quot;Prologue: The Real Programmers&quot;]

Flattering quote about Seymour Cray, which might be added to the about section of [[Seymour Cray]]. [[User:BurningLibrary|BurningLibrary]] ([[User talk:BurningLibrary|talk]]) 16:59, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

==== Controversial quotes ====
{{collapse top}}
* I publish this blog in part because I think it is my duty to speak taboo and unspeakable truths.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=6160 &quot;Demilitarize the police – and stop flinging false racism charges&quot;] (August 14 2014)

{{collapse top}}
* We define idiotarianism as the species of delusion ''within'' the moral community of mankind that gives aid and comfort to terrorists and tyrants operating outside it. … We support, as an alternative greatly preferable to future nuclear/chemical/biological blackmail of the West, the forcible overthrow of the governments of nations that combine sponsorship of terrorism with the possession of weapons of mass destruction; and the occupation of those nations until such time as the root causes of terrorism have been eradicated from their societies.
** [http://www.catb.org/~esr/aim/ &quot;Why We Fight – An Anti-Idiotarian Manifesto&quot;] (26 December 2003)

{{collapse top}}
* A clash of civilizations driven by the failure of Islamic/Arab culture (though I would stress the problem of the Islamic commandment to jihad more than he does). I think he [Steven den Beste] is also right to say that our long-term objective must be to break, crush and eventually destroy this culture, because we can't live on the same planet with people who both carry those memes and have access to weapons of mass destruction. They will hate us and seek to destroy us not for what we've done but for what we are.
** [http://armedndangerous.blogspot.com/2002_09_15_armedndangerous_archive.html#81815163 &quot;Imperialists by necessity?&quot;] (19 September 2002)
{{collapse bottom}}
{{collapse bottom}}

{{collapse top}}
* Good causes sometimes have bad consequences. Blacks, women, and other historical out-groups were right to demand [[equality]] before the law and the full respect and liberties due to any member of our civilization; but the tactics they used to &quot;raise consciousness&quot; have sometimes veered into the creepy and pathological, borrowing the least sane features of religious evangelism.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=2122 &quot;Kafkatrapping&quot;] (18 July 2010)

{{collapse top}}
* Police who react to a random black male behaving suspiciously who might be in the critical age range as though he is an near-imminent lethal threat, are being ''rational'', not racist. They're doing what crime statistics and street-level experience train them to do, and they're right to do it.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=7239 &quot;Dilemmatizing the NRA&quot;] (24 September 2016)

* In the U.S., blacks are 12% of the population but commit 50% of violent crimes; can anyone honestly think this is unconnected to the fact that they average 15 points of IQ lower than the general population? That stupid people are more violent is a fact independent of skin color.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/index.php?p=129 &quot;What good is IQ?&quot;] (17 November 2003)

* What's keeping women in general from occupying the vast middle of the programming field is not general intelligence. On the other hand, the average black American has an IQ about 85 and that is pretty much a disqualifier right there. Only the cohort of their bell curve above 3 STDs from median has much hope of matching the capability of the average white programmer.
** Comment on [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=8139#comment-2054055 &quot;On holy wars, and a plea for peace&quot;] (September 23 2018)
{{collapse bottom}}
{{collapse bottom}}

{{collapse top}}
* If the prevalence of homosexuality in the Catholic priesthood is the elephant in the sacristy, the homosexuality/pederasty/pedophilia connection in gay culture is the elephant in the bath-house. No amount of denying it's there is going to make the beast go away.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=26 &quot;The Elephant in the Bath-House&quot;] (16 June 2002)

{{collapse top}}
* Accordingly, [[w:North American Man/Boy Love Association|NAMBLA]] may well be right on one level when they argue that what matters is not so much which tab A gets put into which slot B, but whether the behavior was coerced or consensual. According to this argument, the elephant in the bath-house can be lived with—might even be a friendly beast—if it's docile-tempered and won't give the tusk to unconsenting parties.
** [http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=26 &quot;The Elephant in the Bath-House&quot;] (16 June 2002)
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There are a number of controversial and offensive quotes that distract greatly from the otherwise insightful quotes contributed to this page. The subject has stated that he thinks it is his duty &quot;to speak taboo and unspeakable truths&quot;[http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=6160], so it seems that this material must be represented somehow—censoring it outright would amount to muffling the subject. The approach suggested here, then, is to group the quotes into categories and then pick one representative quote from each category. That should narrow it down a bit, without taking away the subject's freedom to speak his mind. That being said, I think the main focus of this page should be to attempt to depict the subject in a flattering light, insofar as it is possible. [[User:BurningLibrary|BurningLibrary]] ([[User talk:BurningLibrary|talk]]) 18:46, 29 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—AMA.&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/obama—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/Sanders4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedByAOC). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This AMA was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—AMA.&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/obama—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/Sanders4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedByAOC). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This AMA was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/obama—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/Sanders4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedByAOC). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/Sanders4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedByAOC). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of SandersForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8113" sha1="lz8fakefnq2qv7sh98v5lwzh7aj8b4o" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at reddit.com, we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my web.py library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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        <id>3137151</id>
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      <comment>Added links</comment>
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      <text bytes="8139" sha1="ti9cjwuw4j8f59wymyfbbqza7zqtjr0" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* Over at [[w:Reddit|reddit.com]], we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my [[w:web.py|web.py]] library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8846" sha1="kpxp86hydn2zxlx18o2329ab3r4mgjf" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* [[Open source|Open-source]] makes it hard for us to develop some features &quot;in the clear&quot; (like our recent video launch) without leaking our plans too far in advance. As Reddit is now a larger player on the web, it is hard for us to be strategic in our planning when everyone can see what code we are committing.
** Christopher Slowe, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ &quot;An update on the state of the reddit/reddit and reddit/reddit-mobile repositories&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20190320234133/https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ archived]), r/changelog (2017-09-01).

* Over at [[w:Reddit|reddit.com]], we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my [[w:web.py|web.py]] library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
      <sha1>kpxp86hydn2zxlx18o2329ab3r4mgjf</sha1>
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      <text bytes="8873" sha1="ahtscef8tjv4hpxti5pd6tst89r0fw3" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by Reddit, Inc., based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* [[Open source|Open-source]] makes it hard for us to develop some features &quot;in the clear&quot; (like our recent video launch) without leaking our plans too far in advance. As Reddit is now a larger player on the web, it is hard for us to be strategic in our planning when everyone can see what code we are committing.
** Christopher Slowe, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ &quot;An update on the state of the reddit/reddit and reddit/reddit-mobile repositories&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20190320234133/https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ archived]), r/changelog (2017-09-01).

* Over at [[w:Reddit|reddit.com]], we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my [[w:web.py|web.py]] library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
      <sha1>ahtscef8tjv4hpxti5pd6tst89r0fw3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607405</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:51:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added link</comment>
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      <text bytes="8904" sha1="r9icb13x8crfn6j1eownpjtbqqfq0c7" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by [[w:Reddit#Corporate affairs|Reddit, Inc.]], based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* [[Open source|Open-source]] makes it hard for us to develop some features &quot;in the clear&quot; (like our recent video launch) without leaking our plans too far in advance. As Reddit is now a larger player on the web, it is hard for us to be strategic in our planning when everyone can see what code we are committing.
** Christopher Slowe, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ &quot;An update on the state of the reddit/reddit and reddit/reddit-mobile repositories&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20190320234133/https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ archived]), r/changelog (2017-09-01).

* Over at [[w:Reddit|reddit.com]], we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my [[w:web.py|web.py]] library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8944" sha1="jmx75ggt5rbexxjmdwxua7dwgybm0c2" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of the internet.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Reddit|Reddit]]''' is an American social news aggregation, content rating, and forum social network. It is operated by [[w:Reddit#Corporate affairs|Reddit, Inc.]], based in San Francisco, California.

== Quotes ==
* While the political ideology is predominantly liberal, there are countless communities for conservatives, libertarians, anarchists, socialists, etc. Despite the overrepresentation of male users, female users have a wide variety of communities to join, including ones for women's rights, motherhood, parenting, etc. This pattern repeats, resulting in a site that can cater to almost any political ideology, age, gender, and hobby.
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* Neither [[w:Alexis Ohanian|Alexis]] nor I created reddit to be a bastion of [[free speech]], but rather as a place where open and honest discussion can happen: These are very complicated issues, and we are putting a lot of thought into it.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* A campaign staffer took a photo of the president, and [Teddy] Goff posted it on Reddit along with the headline &quot;I am [[Barack Obama]], President of the United States—[[w:R/IAmA|AMA]].&quot; … Obama dug in. He typed straight into Reddit, &quot;Hey everybody—this is [[Barack Obama|barack]]. Just finished a great rally in Charlottesville, and am looking forward to your questions.&quot; … The questions for Obama, simultaneously, were building up at an accelerating rate. Within ten minutes, there were 278 comments. By 4:15, before Obama had even answered just one question from users, Reddit's servers were sputtering.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Not bad!&quot;, p. 229. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* Before the turn of 2018, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]] had reached half a million subscribers. [[w:Brad Parscale|Brad Parscale]], the [[Donald Trump|Trump]] campaign's digital director, had claimed social media was the reason &quot;we won this thing.&quot; He wrote on Reddit that &quot;members here provided considerable growth and reach to our campaign.&quot; The_Donald again celebrated Trump's win with a thread cataloging its greatest hits of viral imagery and boasted, &quot;Remember when we memed a man into the White House?&quot;
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Live from Hollywood&quot;, p. 442. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* In March 2007, the first subreddit dedicated to a political figure—r/[[Barack Obama|obama]]—was created. … Initially, posts in r/obama linked to mainstream news outlet's coverage of [[Barack Obama|Obama]], some of which was critical or at least skeptical of the candidate. … By the end of summer 2008, r/obama more closely resembles the kind of candidate advocacy subreddit that became a recurring Reddit motif (e.g., r/[[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]4President, [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]], r/MurderedBy[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]]). By this time, the subreddit featured more self-posts from professed Republicans who were ready to vote for Obama and motivational posts that encourage people to donate to the campaign, and post titles took on the partisan, affect-laden style pioneered by ''The Huffington Post'', a popular blog at the time.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Evolutions of Reddit&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Political movement subreddits tend to be more active, particularly during the initial phase of excitement over a candidate. As then-US-presidential-candidate [[Donald Trump]] gained momentum in April of 2016, roughly 62% of [[w:R/The Donald|r/The_Donald]]'s 90,000 subscribers commented on the subreddit; by early 2019, after Trump had been elected President, 7% of subscribers were commenting. In mid-2015, 20% of [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]]ForPresident's 62,000 subscribers were commenting, rising to 32% by March 2016 before dipping to 13% by July of 2016. 
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* It's not our site's goal to be a completely [[free speech|free-speech]] platform. We want to be a safe platform and we want to be a platform that also protects privacy at the same time.
** Ellen Pao, as cited in [https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform &quot;Reddit's New Harassment Policy Aimed At Creating A 'Safe Platform'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151214225349/https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2015/05/19/407971708/reddits-new-harassment-policy-aimed-at-creating-a-safe-platform archived]), ''All Tech Considered'', NPR (2015-05-19)

* When [[Barack Obama|Obama]] first ran for president in 2008, he knew the impact the internet and social media sites, such as [[w:Reddit|Reddit]], [[Facebook]], and [[YouTube]], could have on the race. By the time of his Reddit appearance in 2012, the president had mastered the technology, posting nearly four times as much content as [[Mitt Romney|Romney]] and, according to the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, &quot;was active in nearly twice as many platforms.&quot;
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], &quot;Introduction: A President Goes Online&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

* [[Barack Obama|Obama]] was re-elected for his second term in November 2012, defeating Republican candidate [[Mitt Romney]], and was inaugurated on January 20, 2013. … This [[w:R/IAmA|AMA]] was done while President Barack Obama was running for his second term. When asked for his opinion on the experience of the Reddit AMA, he gave it an enthusiastic &quot;not bad.&quot; Presidential seal of approval achieved!
** Reddit: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28100767-ask-me-anything ''Ask Me Anything: A Collection of Some of Reddit's Best AMAs from r/IAmA, Volume 1''], &quot;Barack Obama&quot;. Booktrope (2015). ISBN: 978-1-5137-0747-1.

* [[Open source|Open-source]] makes it hard for us to develop some features &quot;in the clear&quot; (like our recent video launch) without leaking our plans too far in advance. As Reddit is now a larger player on the web, it is hard for us to be strategic in our planning when everyone can see what code we are committing.
** Christopher Slowe, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ &quot;An update on the state of the reddit/reddit and reddit/reddit-mobile repositories&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20190320234133/https://www.reddit.com/r/changelog/comments/6xfyfg/an_update_on_the_state_of_the_redditreddit_and/ archived]), r/changelog (2017-09-01).

* Over at [[w:Reddit|reddit.com]], we rewrote the site from [[Lisp]] to [[Python]] in the past week. It was pretty much done in one weekend. (Disclosure: We used my [[w:web.py|web.py]] library.) The others knew Lisp (they wrote their whole site in it) and they knew Python (they rewrote their whole site in it) and yet they decided liked Python better for this project. The Python version had less code that ran faster and was far easier to read and maintain.
** [[Aaron Swartz]]: [http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit &quot;Rewriting Reddit&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20161227111022/http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/rewritingreddit archived]). ''Raw Thought'' (2005-12-06).

== See also ==
* [[Controversial Reddit communities]]
* [[Social media]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

* [https://www.reddit.com/ Reddit.com]

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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    <title>User talk:Tanbiruzzaman</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Tiredfish4607</username>
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      <text bytes="537" sha1="qzy2744vyouuq3daigkjxoao9ljujk0" xml:space="preserve">== About Me &amp; Mickey ==

Please don’t delete the Me &amp; Mickey page on Wikiquote, I have worked really hard on it. [[Special:Contributions/170.199.151.33|170.199.151.33]] 22:58, 27 October 2024 (UTC)

== About Me &amp; Mickey ==

You gotta side with me, I don’t want the Me &amp; Mickey page to be deleted in Wikiquote. [[Special:Contributions/170.199.151.33|170.199.151.33]] 16:06, 29 October 2024 (UTC)

== RESPECT FISHES ==

RESPECT FISHES [[User:Tiredfish4607|Tiredfish4607]] ([[User talk:Tiredfish4607|talk]]) 08:23, 31 October 2024 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>Controversial Reddit communities</title>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film ''The Matrix''—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="9934" sha1="p739ird9p6he3srl9r3105tqhq5fyln" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film ''The Matrix''—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="9956" sha1="r7d48ve9sqovhbw5uu2kjud6hh6tpdr" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="11935" sha1="2oxy24syaf7e2uprf0w27tljxmzn6y7" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being quarantined in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the /r/all feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12014" sha1="5b9x8w7qe03xppylon2qiycplikt01q" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects feminism was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12018" sha1="9ejpyjm23g78wwj4lmyn6cmfr369jt8" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects [[feminism]] was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the front page of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12045" sha1="h9905ec5yl6cez6j1smetm2x7uw1idg" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The front page of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects [[feminism]] was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12072" sha1="cyu42605c13ev7pu8dgnflwt3mj1bsj" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects [[feminism]] was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 Updated: Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12064" sha1="aau8kryuishoqiu1z926gq6z6bcetuv" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Reddit logo 2023–present.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;The [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of the internet.&quot;]]
On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects [[feminism]] was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 &quot;Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher Gini coefficients as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
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On [[Reddit]], there have been a number of '''[[w:Controversial Reddit communities|controversial communities]]''' devoted to explicit, violent, propagandist, or hateful material. Although Reddit administrators have instituted rules to allow for the banning of such communities, there still remain various active and heavily-trafficked subreddits which skirt the edges of the rules.

== Quotes ==
=== B ===
* [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]] seemed obsessed with the negative effects [[feminism]] was having on his dating experience. … It was this plight of navigating a post-feminist sexual marketplace, one where &quot;the entirety of the male experience [is] wrought with rejection and ego-destroying experiences,&quot; that led Fisher to establish [[w:/r/TheRedPill|The Red Pill]].
** Bonnie Bacarisse: [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill &quot;The Republican Lawmaker Who Secretly Created Reddit's Women-Hating 'Red Pill'&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171213115547/https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill archived]). ''The Daily Beast'' (2017-04-25).

=== C ===
* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]] content is unrestricted on Reddit, and so it occasionally makes its way into the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|/r/all]] feed, or into the suggested subreddits of users. With over 288,000 members, participants are active in many parts of Reddit, and other users are likely exposed to /r/MensRights content through their comments, user pages and post histories. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]] has a different path, as content from the subreddit no longer appears in the /r/all feed or other non-subscribed aggregate feeds since being [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#Quarantining|quarantined]] in 2018.
** Luc S. Cousineau: [https://uwaterloo.ca/scholar/l2cousin/publications/%E2%80%9C-positive-identity-men%E2%80%9D-pathways-far-right-participation-through-rmensrights &quot;'A Positive Identity for Men'?: Pathways to Far-Right Participation through Reddit's /r/MensRights and /r/TheRedPill&quot;]. In '' Rise of the Far Right: Technologies of Recruitment and Mobilization'', Melody Devries, Judith Bessant and Rob Watts, p. 139. Rowman &amp; Littlefield (2021). ISBN: 978-1-78661-493-3.

=== D ===
* There were a half dozen or so subreddit communities that I had never heard of before that had posts sitting on the [[w:Reddit#Site overview|front page]] of Reddit. The common thread among all of them seemed to be rooted in getting angry at or mocking other people. … The first one that I noticed was /r/MurderedByWords, which featured screenshots of social media interactions containing a &quot;response which completely destroys the original argument in a way that leaves little to no room for reply.&quot; There was /r/PublicFreakout, &quot;dedicated to people freaking out, melting down, losing their cool, or being weird in public.&quot; Perhaps needing the least explanation was /r/IAmATotalPieceOfShit, where users post social media screenshots or videos of others who they think fit the namesake for the community. Meanwhile, over in /r/IAmVerySmart, the users mock &quot;people trying too hard to look smart.&quot;
** Jacob Desforges: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/144298491-you-should-quit-reddit ''You Should Quit Reddit''], ch. 9: &quot;The Rise of Outrage Porn&quot;. Independently published (2023). ISBN: 979-8-3773-2209-2.

* The Daily Beast, in an exhaustive [https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-republican-lawmaker-who-secretly-created-reddits-women-hating-red-pill report], investigated a forum known as &quot;[[w:/r/TheRedPill|Red Pill]]&quot; on [[Reddit|Reddit.com]]. It found that [[w:Robert Fisher (New Hampshire politician)|&amp;lbrack;Robert&amp;rbrack; Fisher]], writing as &quot;pk_atheist,&quot; created the forum in 2012, posting: &quot;Let's talk about exactly what it means to be a sexual man in the era of feminism,&quot; and, &quot;In a culture where the only thing standing between you and prison is whether the last girl you (expletive) decides to lie about rape, these are REAL questions that I think are being ignored.&quot;
** John DiStaso: [https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 &quot;Sununu says resignation 'in order' for GOP lawmaker connected to misogynistic online messages&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20171220152041/https://www.wmur.com/article/state-lawmaker-admits-saying-some-injudicious-things-about-women/9562347 archived]). ''WMUR-TV'' (2017-04-26).

=== F ===
* Due to the younger demographic of many of Reddit's users, some of its content can seem immature, crude, or inappropriate. There is very little censorship on the site and pictures containing nudity or grotesque injuries are posted regularly (although they can be easily hidden).
** Matthew Fuller: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23567140-the-complete-beginner-s-guide-to-reddit ''The Complete Beginner's Guide to Reddit''], ch. 2: &quot;The Reddit Experience&quot;

=== H ===
* There is also a dark side, communities whose purpose is reprehensible, and we don't have any obligation to support them. And we also believe that some communities currently on the platform should not be here at all.
** [[Steve Huffman]], in [https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ &quot;Content Policy update. AMA Thursday, July 16th, 1pm pst.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151227041412/https://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/3dautm/content_policy_update_ama_thursday_july_16th_1pm/ archived]), r/announcements (2015-07-16). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

=== L===
* The board approved removing [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/fatpeoplehate]], [[w:R/hamplanethatred|r/HamPlanetHatred]], [[w:R/transfags|r/transfags]], [[w:R/neofag|r/NeoFAG]], and [[w:R/shitniggerssay|r/ShitN---ersSay]]. Notably not on this list was the overtly and enthusiastically racist [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]], which had about ten thousand subscribers. … Within minutes, the banned communities popped back up, having been reregistered by moderators using different names. The sequel subreddits weren't particularly creative: r/fatpeoplehate2, r/fatpeopleantipathy, r/wedislikefatpeople.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;Revenge and Revenge Porn&quot;, pp. 334–335. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

* By late October, [[Steve Huffman|Huffman]]'s policy team, along with trust and safety and legal, had solidified their tougher policy on violent posts. The new rule: &quot;Do not post content that encourages, glorifies, incites, or calls for violence or physical harm against an individual or a group of people; likewise, do not post content that glorifies or encourages the abuse of animals.&quot; It opened the door for Reddit to ban another extensive list of subreddits. These were mostly far-right-leaning and Nazi-sympathizing forums and those that glorified harm or death, such as r/selfharmpics and r/PicsOfDeadKids. … Also banned were r/europeannationalism, r/nazi, and r/killthejews, and a few sites that mocked, parodied, or stemmed from [[w:R/Coontown|r/CoonTown]]. Animal abuse, harm, or bestiality comprised another significant subset of the list.
** Christine Lagorio-Chafkin: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/52358821-we-are-the-nerds-the-birth-and-tumultuous-life-of-reddit-the-internet ''We Are the Nerds: The Birth and Tumultuous Life of Reddit, the Internet's Culture Laboratory''], &quot;All Together Now&quot;, p. 446. Hachette Books (2018). ISBN: 978-0-316-43540-6.

=== M ===
* But let's take the infamous picsOfDeadkids example. The actual content of that subreddit is mostly autopsy photos. Obviously it's a troll subreddit and created to get a reaction, and I'd guess 98% of redditors think it's gross/offensive etc. But what if the name of the subreddit was r/autopsyphotos or r/doyoureallywanttogointocriminalforensics and they were sincere in their discussion of these images? Would some of that 98% now be ok with it? I would bet at least some would. What if it wasn't kids but adults? Or historical autopsy photos only? The point is I don't want to be the one making those decisions for anyone but myself, and it's not the business reddit is in.
** Erik Martin, in [https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ &quot;IAMA reddit General Manager. AMA.&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20150126130718/https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/iuz8a/iama_reddit_general_manager_ama/ archived]), r/IAmA (2011-07-20). Cited in [https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history &quot;Was Reddit always about free speech? Yes, and no&quot;] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20151218151911/https://www.theverge.com/2015/7/15/8964995/reddit-free-speech-history archived]), Adi Robertson, ''The Verge'' (2015-06-25).

* [[w:/r/MensRights|/r/MensRights]]—the &quot;Men's Rights Activism&quot; hub mentioned earlier—professes to be a site of measured social advocacy, but other subreddits make little effort to sugarcoat their misogyny, opting instead to engage in open, unapologetic bullying. [[w:Controversial Reddit communities#TumblrInAction|/r/TumblrInAction]] mocks the left leaning, feminist &quot;social justice warriors&quot; said to populate Tumblr. /r/SRSSucks critiques the vocal feminism of /r/ShitRedditSays. [[w:/r/TheRedPill|/r/TheRedPill]]—reappropriating a metaphor for awakening from the 1999 film [[The Matrix (film)|''The Matrix'']]—advocates for hegemonic masculinity and a return to traditional gender roles. [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|/r/FatPeopleHate]]—until it was banned in June 2015—described itself as a space for &quot;shitlords oppressing fatties&quot; and housed photos of individuals deemed worthy of mockery due to their weight.
** Ryan M. Milner: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/50260876-the-world-made-meme-public-conversations-and-participatory-media-the-i ''The World Made Meme: Public Conversations and Participatory Media''], ch. 4, &quot;Antagonism: Race, Gender, and Counterpublic Contestation&quot;, pp. 118–119. MIT Press (2016). ISBN: 978-0-262-53522-9.

=== P ===
* Subreddits that represent clear ideological agendas ([[w:/r/TheRedPill|r/TheRedPill]], [[w:R/fatpeoplehate|r/FatPeopleHate]], [[w:r/The_Donald|r/The_Donald]]) tend to have higher [[w:Gini coefficient|Gini coefficients]] as well. … Typically, the top 10% of contributors' comments garnered between 70% and 85% of the total vote scores for comments in a subreddit in a given month.
** Elliot T. Panek: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59089071-understanding-reddit ''Understanding Reddit''], ch. 6: &quot;Reddit as Community&quot;. Routledge (2022). ISBN: 978-1-003-15080-0.

* Over the years, the site has been condemned by critics because users have shared inappropriate images and content that has included hate speech against particular groups. Reddit users have posted pictures of dead children. Moreover, people are often harassed for who they are based on their religion or their ethnicity. For example, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a group that tracks hate groups, at least 46 active subreddits are devoted to white supremacy, the racist idea that white people are superior to all other races.
** John Perritano: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40996893-reddit ''Reddit''], ch. 3: &quot;Reddit and Society&quot;. Mason Crest (2018). ISBN: 1-4222-4063-0.

== See also ==
* [[Echo chamber]]
* [[Reddit]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Social media]]</text>
      <sha1>su84eq14m33nnvzjz311ju1sr6siakf</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Lucy muthoni kibaki</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="628" sha1="1nxmma74hypkpnwfdm6y3rlhf17y4ko" xml:space="preserve">[[W:The late Lucy Muthoni Kibaki]] (born in 1936) was the wife of the Kenyan third president Mwai Kibaki. 

  ** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Kibaki
  
She has been recognized for her bold moves in the world where women did not dare to speak up on matters affecting them in the society. 
Lucy Kibaki has been captured confronting the politicians for using the public when they need their votes:

&quot;The kind of leaders we have today are not sensitive. Stop exploiting the poor and the hungry. You misuse them during hunger, you misuse them during campaigns. Leave them alone.&quot;

 **https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuRumH1brrc</text>
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    <title>Stella Atyang</title>
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      <text bytes="1320" sha1="c9cap3913m69fky36eob5uu4ipffjev" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Atyang Stella.jpg|thumb|Stella Atyang]]
'''[[W:Stella Atyang|Stella Atyang]]''' is a Ugandan politician and a District Woman representing [[w:Moroto District|Moroto]] in the [[w:Parliament of Uganda|Ugandan parliament]]. She was elected on April 26, 2017, on the ticket of [[w:National Resistance Movement|National Resistance Movement]] to replace her niece, [[w:Annie Logiel|Annie Logiel]] the Woman MP representing Moroto before her death.

== Quotes ==
*We have seen several government officials come here to document whatever is happening but we have never seen them taking action against those tormenting us.
**[https://www.independent.co.ug/karamojong-women-decry-torture-by-security-forces-rustlers/]
*We are being tortured by our own husbands who are accusing us of leaking information to security forces. However, when the security forces come for their operations, they search our houses and beat us for the same reasons that we are harboring raiders, we really need the intervention from the government to save us.
**[https://www.independent.co.ug/karamojong-women-decry-torture-by-security-forces-rustlers/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Atyang, Stella}}
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]</text>
      <sha1>c9cap3913m69fky36eob5uu4ipffjev</sha1>
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    <title>Ingrid Turinawe</title>
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      <text bytes="2616" sha1="psya4pwsehhhwyifagib3q9vaa5h0q6" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Ingrid Turinawe|Ingrid Kamateneti Turinawe]]''' (born 23 November 1973) is a female politician who serves as the Chairperson of the Women's League in the opposition [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] (FDC) political party in [[Uganda]]. She also serves as the National Political Mobilizer for the FDC political party.

== Quotes ==
*Our party won’t be about just fielding candidates and waiting for the Electoral Commission to declare winners. We are in the struggle, and we aim to finish it'
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*we can't control what people think, but we focus on what we believe in.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We are in the struggle, and we aim to finish it, even during the campaign period if necessary. Our candidates will be more like commanders leading a struggle, not just participating in elections.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We fought hard for it. People may think we were just lucky, but we truly fought to get here.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We believe that this frustration can be channeled into action to earn the freedom we have long yearned for.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We cannot allow our country to be run through arbitrary decrees that turn into laws and policies. It’s time for every Ugandan to take responsibility, especially the young generation. They must ensure that this struggle ends with them so that no future generation has to face the challenges we have endured.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We have a clear ideology, a mission, and objectives that bind us together, but we’ll launch those details at the appropriate time. This is still a work in progress, and we’ll present everything to the public when the time comes.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turinawe, Ingrid}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <comment>+[[Category:1973 births]]; +[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="2678" sha1="cb71awhch124ht4lxqvjvmczqwga4d8" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Ingrid Turinawe|Ingrid Kamateneti Turinawe]]''' (born 23 November 1973) is a female politician who serves as the Chairperson of the Women's League in the opposition [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] (FDC) political party in [[Uganda]]. She also serves as the National Political Mobilizer for the FDC political party.

== Quotes ==
*Our party won’t be about just fielding candidates and waiting for the Electoral Commission to declare winners. We are in the struggle, and we aim to finish it'
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*we can't control what people think, but we focus on what we believe in.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We are in the struggle, and we aim to finish it, even during the campaign period if necessary. Our candidates will be more like commanders leading a struggle, not just participating in elections.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We fought hard for it. People may think we were just lucky, but we truly fought to get here.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We believe that this frustration can be channeled into action to earn the freedom we have long yearned for.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We cannot allow our country to be run through arbitrary decrees that turn into laws and policies. It’s time for every Ugandan to take responsibility, especially the young generation. They must ensure that this struggle ends with them so that no future generation has to face the challenges we have endured.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]
*We have a clear ideology, a mission, and objectives that bind us together, but we’ll launch those details at the appropriate time. This is still a work in progress, and we’ll present everything to the public when the time comes.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/221036/big-interview-besigye-will-be-commander-in-chief-in-pff-says-ingrid-turinawe]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Turinawe, Ingrid}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1973 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]]</text>
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    <title>Shlomo Vishinsky</title>
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      <comment>added [[Category:Actors from Israel]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1045" sha1="2mml8cfebwqhksr97g5pt25ggpoemge" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in Gaza. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656]
*** &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}

[[Category:Actors from Israel]]</text>
      <sha1>2mml8cfebwqhksr97g5pt25ggpoemge</sha1>
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      <comment>+[[Category:1943 births]]; +[[Category:Living people]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1096" sha1="j9lm9ydhlexhgganfuz3ubkif5ovo3z" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in Gaza. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656]
*** &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>j9lm9ydhlexhgganfuz3ubkif5ovo3z</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607003</id>
      <parentid>3607002</parentid>
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      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="1102" sha1="f3xv30xadilvzkcvw6t1mpxk1imdctx" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in Gaza. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656]
*** &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607336</id>
      <parentid>3607003</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:51:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607336</origin>
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      <text bytes="1172" sha1="bydr46k58pf9znaa9kxh5kqhw3xivsy" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in Gaza. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656]
*** &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]]</text>
      <sha1>bydr46k58pf9znaa9kxh5kqhw3xivsy</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607342</id>
      <parentid>3607336</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:59:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */ include Hebrew title of article in ref (not sure what date to include 2019 or 2024?)</comment>
      <origin>3607342</origin>
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      <text bytes="1275" sha1="nss9cixtadkj0o46o44768xe4iz2jmj" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in Gaza. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** According to [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656 הוישינסקים חובקים נכד ומתגעגעים לבן] 
*** Hebrew text of quote: &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]]</text>
      <sha1>nss9cixtadkj0o46o44768xe4iz2jmj</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607345</id>
      <parentid>3607342</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:00:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */ +enwq-link  ([[Gaza Strip|Gaza]])</comment>
      <origin>3607345</origin>
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      <text bytes="1290" sha1="lp6y25efhxv8u9kwwkdb7up3t47gwus" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in [[Gaza Strip|Gaza]]. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** According to [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656 הוישינסקים חובקים נכד ומתגעגעים לבן] 
*** Hebrew text of quote: &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]]</text>
      <sha1>lp6y25efhxv8u9kwwkdb7up3t47gwus</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607347</id>
      <parentid>3607345</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:11:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:14BA:7891:3700:2DCA:BFF1:5476:2C15</ip>
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      <text bytes="1324" sha1="bbboz5ykxk1x07cajlyaikg31u5pawe" xml:space="preserve">'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in [[Gaza Strip|Gaza]]. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** According to [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656 הוישינסקים חובקים נכד ומתגעגעים לבן] 
*** Hebrew text of quote: &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Tel Aviv]]
[[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]]</text>
      <sha1>bbboz5ykxk1x07cajlyaikg31u5pawe</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607354</id>
      <parentid>3607347</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:31:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+image</comment>
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      <text bytes="1385" sha1="ibhu5zhh24830f4p1iquh4kimjhkir2" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Shlomo Vishinsky.jpg|thumb|Shlomo Vishinsky in 2010]]
'''[[d:Q6962947|Shlomo Vishinsky]]'''  (born 29 October 1943 in [[Tel Aviv]]) is an Israeli popular comic actor.

{{actor-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* We should never have been in [[Gaza Strip|Gaza]]. It didn’t belong to us
** According to [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9265792 Good riddance to Gaza, many Israelis say] (Sept. 9, 2005)

* I wouldn't go back or change anything, and I don't want to lose any of it I got through, despite the hard things I went through
** According to [https://www.israelhayom.co.il/culture/stage/article/8600656 הוישינסקים חובקים נכד ומתגעגעים לבן] 
*** Hebrew text of quote: &quot;לא הייתי חוזר או משנה משהו, ואני לא רוצה להפסיד שום דבר ממה  שעברתי, למרות הדברים הקשים שעברתי&quot;

* This is the only country in the world where the generals stop and the leadership pushes forward.
** translated by google translate from Hebrew (source is the he.wikisource)
** &quot;זו המדינה היחידה בעולם שהגנרלים בה עוצרים וההנהגה דוחפת קדימה.&quot;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vishinsky,Shlomo}}
[[Category:Actors from Israel]]
[[Category:1943 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Tel Aviv]]
[[Category:Articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]]</text>
      <sha1>ibhu5zhh24830f4p1iquh4kimjhkir2</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>State and local tax deduction</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280918</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607013</id>
      <parentid>3606692</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:42:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="1222" sha1="h1arhutod44i3gwwgaswp5mvts9wfz6" xml:space="preserve">The United States federal '''[[w:State and local tax deduction|state and local tax (SALT) deduction]]''' is an [[w:itemized deduction|itemized deduction]] that allows taxpayers to deduct certain taxes paid to state and local governments from their [[w:adjusted gross income|adjusted gross income]]. The SALT deduction intent is to avoid double taxation by allowing taxpayers to deduct state and local taxes from their federal income. Eligible taxes include state and local [[w:Income tax|income taxes]] and [[w:Property tax|property taxes]]. The deduction disproportionately benefits wealthy and upper-middle class taxpayers living in areas with comparatively high state and property taxes.

{{law-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* [[Donald Trump]] did it again, totally reversing himself, claiming that he will reverse the cap on state and local deductions. But Donald Trump must be suffering from selective amnesia, because he was the one who took away people’s SALT deductions in the first place.
** [[Chuck Schumer]], according to [https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/4886311-trump-salts-cap-schumer-criticism/ Schumer calls out Trump for ‘selective amnesia’ on SALT] (september 18, 2024)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
      <sha1>h1arhutod44i3gwwgaswp5mvts9wfz6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607014</id>
      <parentid>3607013</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:42:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Tax]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607014</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1240" sha1="4y4irlw59rhg1youyyyh1dtd4nyculz" xml:space="preserve">The United States federal '''[[w:State and local tax deduction|state and local tax (SALT) deduction]]''' is an [[w:itemized deduction|itemized deduction]] that allows taxpayers to deduct certain taxes paid to state and local governments from their [[w:adjusted gross income|adjusted gross income]]. The SALT deduction intent is to avoid double taxation by allowing taxpayers to deduct state and local taxes from their federal income. Eligible taxes include state and local [[w:Income tax|income taxes]] and [[w:Property tax|property taxes]]. The deduction disproportionately benefits wealthy and upper-middle class taxpayers living in areas with comparatively high state and property taxes.

{{law-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* [[Donald Trump]] did it again, totally reversing himself, claiming that he will reverse the cap on state and local deductions. But Donald Trump must be suffering from selective amnesia, because he was the one who took away people’s SALT deductions in the first place.
** [[Chuck Schumer]], according to [https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/4886311-trump-salts-cap-schumer-criticism/ Schumer calls out Trump for ‘selective amnesia’ on SALT] (september 18, 2024)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Tax]]</text>
      <sha1>4y4irlw59rhg1youyyyh1dtd4nyculz</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Freedom Caucus</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280919</id>
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      <id>3607075</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:02:12Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="1393" sha1="kuj9ypim3m5z5wp31xi2t29gi5xy6nn" xml:space="preserve">The '''{{w|Freedom Caucus}}''', also known as the '''House Freedom Caucus''', is a [[w:congressional caucus|congressional caucus]] consisting of [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] members of the [[United States House of Representatives]]. It is generally considered to be the most [[conservative]] and furthest-right bloc within the chamber. The caucus was formed in January 2015 by a group of conservatives and [[w:Tea Party movement|Tea Party movement]] members, with the aim of pushing the Republican leadership to the right. Its first chairman, [[w:Jim Jordan|Jim Jordan]], described the caucus as a &quot;smaller, more cohesive, more agile and more active&quot; group of conservative representatives. Its current chairman, [[w:Andy Harris|Andy Harris]] is considered to be a [[w:Far right in the United States|far-right]] politician due to his radical proposals. Members of the Freedom Caucus are typically considered a part of the [[w:Trumpism|MAGA]] movement and loyalists to [[Donald Trump]].

{{politics-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* … there was a lot of money to be made in outrage. [The caucus… is now] a machine for outrage. I hate to see something that I helped start turn into something it’s not.
** [[Mick Mulvaney]] according to [https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2023/11/mick-mulvaney-harvard Mick Mulvaney Changes His Mind] (November, 2023)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
      <sha1>kuj9ypim3m5z5wp31xi2t29gi5xy6nn</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607076</id>
      <parentid>3607075</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:03:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+[[Category:Politics of the United States]]; +[[Category:Conservatives from the United States]]; +[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607076</origin>
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      <text bytes="1545" sha1="5x90dx1p4elwf4a8r4ynlm2p6azbwk6" xml:space="preserve">The '''{{w|Freedom Caucus}}''', also known as the '''House Freedom Caucus''', is a [[w:congressional caucus|congressional caucus]] consisting of [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] members of the [[United States House of Representatives]]. It is generally considered to be the most [[conservative]] and furthest-right bloc within the chamber. The caucus was formed in January 2015 by a group of conservatives and [[w:Tea Party movement|Tea Party movement]] members, with the aim of pushing the Republican leadership to the right. Its first chairman, [[w:Jim Jordan|Jim Jordan]], described the caucus as a &quot;smaller, more cohesive, more agile and more active&quot; group of conservative representatives. Its current chairman, [[w:Andy Harris|Andy Harris]] is considered to be a [[w:Far right in the United States|far-right]] politician due to his radical proposals. Members of the Freedom Caucus are typically considered a part of the [[w:Trumpism|MAGA]] movement and loyalists to [[Donald Trump]].

{{politics-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* … there was a lot of money to be made in outrage. [The caucus… is now] a machine for outrage. I hate to see something that I helped start turn into something it’s not.
** [[Mick Mulvaney]] according to [https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2023/11/mick-mulvaney-harvard Mick Mulvaney Changes His Mind] (November, 2023)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Politics of the United States]]
[[Category:Conservatives from the United States]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]</text>
      <sha1>5x90dx1p4elwf4a8r4ynlm2p6azbwk6</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Domino</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280921</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607239</id>
      <parentid>3606774</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:38:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
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      <comment>/* Domino Harvey */</comment>
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      <text bytes="16652" sha1="c26ain8s1be5vhpzxu3ntnez70vuo4t" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Domino (2005 film)|Domino]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 French-American-British action crime film]] that is inspired by [[w:Domino Harvey|Domino Harvey]], the English daughter of stage and screen actor [[w:Laurence Harvey|Laurence Harvey]], who became a [[w:Los Angeles|Los Angeles]] [[w:bounty hunter|bounty hunter]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Tony Scott|Tony Scott]], screenplay adapted by [[w:Richard Kelly (filmmaker)|Richard Kelly]] based on a story written by Kelly and [[w:Steve Barancik|Steve Barancik]].''
{{center|'''I Am a Bounty Hunter.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Domino Harvey== 
* [''Voiceover]'' You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here, [[w:Great Basin Desert|at the arse end of the Nevada desert]] with [[w:homicide|a blood-spattered]] [[w:Winnebago|Winnebago]] and [[w:amputee|a one-armed man]].
* [''Narrates''] My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter. You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here. What I say will determine whether or not I spend the rest of my life in prison. Let's start at the beginning.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's my best friend. His name is Choco. He's always fancied me, but too shy to ever do anything about it.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's our driver Alf. He's from [[w:Afghanistan|Afghanistan]]. [[w:cat meat|He once ate a cat]]. We can't understand how to pronounce his fucking name so we just call him [[w:American exceptionalism|the cat eating alien]].
* [''Voiceover]'' I've never killed anyone. I hope to never kill anyone, even if they deserve it. My agenda is to kick ass and secure the bounty. If I'm on this side of the law I can live the low life and avoid jail. I can live nasty and not do time for it. That's called the best of both worlds. As for that other world, that 90210 world, it's not for me.
* [''Voiceover]'' Nobody really knows where Ed came from. This much is clear, the man's been places, seen things, lived life. He did a term in [[w:Soledad|Soledad]] and a term in [[w:Angola|Angola]] where he lost a toe during [[w:prison riot|a prison riot]]. The man's a warrior.
* If you're wondering what's true and what isn't, fuck off, because it's none of your goddamn business!
* I saved her... And when she is older, a woman named Domino will tell her that there is only one conclusion to every story... We all fall down.
* [''Voice-over''] I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It's always a set-up to the pain of losing them.
* [''Voice-over''] Choco grew up on the streets of [[w:Venezuela|Venezuela]]. When he was four years old, he stabbed another kid in the eyeball with a pencil.
* [''Voice-over''] There were wires crossed somewhere in his soul.
* [''Voice-over''] When I was a little girl my father told me that if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second. You have to know when to cash out.
* [''Voice-over''] God created me in his image. I guess he had a thing for models.
* [''Voice-over''] If you think America is dirtbag central, clearly you've never been to [[w:United Kingdom|the skeeze nation of our queen mother]].
* [''Voice-over''] I could feel the blood coursing through my veins. Shotgun in hand, kicking down a door and wondering if there was heavy firepower on the other side.
* [''Voice-over''] That night, my coin was tossed. Heads, you live. Tails, you die. 50/50 chance. Life or death. This ain't [[w:Sunset Boulevard|Sunset Boulevard]]. My destiny was life. Life as a bounty hunter.
* [''Voice-over''] I've been training since I was twelve. Knives, guns, [[w:throwing stars|throwing stars]]. You name it, and I can fight with it. I'm a hard worker. I'm a hard worker and a fast learner. Nothing scares me. I'm not afraid to die.
* There are three kinds of people in the world... the rich... the poor... and everyone in between.
* Put your fucking weapon down!
* [''Voiceover''] That's Ed Moseby, the most legendary bounty hunter in all of Los Angeles. He's my boss, my mentor, the father I never had.
* [''Voiceover''] To say that Choco is the product of a broken home is to presume a home existed in the first place. No. Choco never had a home, well, not unless you count the ten or so juvenile correction facilities where he spent his child hood.
* Sometimes a girl has to be naughty in order to get herself out of a jam. [''Proceeds to perform [[w:lap dance|a lap dance]] for a thug'']
* [''To Choco from motel room door''] Do you mind if I ask you a question? Do I look like I [[w:Spanish language|speak Spanish]]? [[w:South American people|Do I look South American to you]]? [[w:dumbing down|I don't understand a word you're fucking saying]]! You know what? Ed's right! It's not cute! It's not fucking cute! It's never been fucking cute, Choco! I don't fucking understand you! You're a freak! [''Slams motel room door in his face'']
* Turn the fucking camera off!

==Kimmie==
* I should let you know that Mr. Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a [[w:ferret|ferret]] on [[w:crystal meth|crystal meth]].

==Mark Heiss==
* You tell Domino Harvey that nobody messes with Mark Heiss! Nobody messes with [[w:The WB|the WB]]!
* [''After a particularly unpleasant day of filming the bounty hunters' reality TV show, to Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, the hosts''] This is going to jump-start your careers!
* [''As he chews gum''] It's like... [[w:Night of the Living Dead|Night... of the Living Dead]]!

==Sophie Wynn==
* Absolutely brilliant.

==Ed==
* Love is a battlefield, baby.
* Excuse the fuck out of us!
* [''Domino, Ed and Choco are about to make a bust''] Okay, Domino, you're with me on the side. [''Cocks shotgun''] Choco, you cover the rear.
* I blew off my own goddamn toe. Just to numb the pain. Let me tell you something, we all get weak over women. We all get weak over women. Fuckin' broads are all nuts. They know how to kill us.

==Howie Stein==
* Now, if [[w:2 Live Crew|2 Live Crew]] has taught us anything, it's that [[w:sexial arousal|horniness]] in today's society is out of control. And at one point within the next decade, mark my words, ladies and gentlemen, society will have reached something I call [[w:Hypersexuality|APATT...&quot;All porno, all the time.&quot; Pornography will have become an epidemic in this country]]. Phase one... [[w:masturbation|masturbation]].
* And to our female friends here today, we must not abuse of our dogs with the lure of a peanut butter snatch. We must channel our horniness into extracurricular activities.

==Locus Fender==
* I'm gonna fill up the tank and grab a Mountain Dew. Don't make a peep. Especially you, Barbara.

==Frances==
* Listen to me... bitch. I don't think you know who the fuck you are dealing with.

==Dialogue==
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Now, as a &quot;Blactino&quot; woman, I believe we deserve our own race category to forge an identity, Jerry. That's how I feel.
:'''Jerry Springer''': Did you just say &quot;Blactino&quot;?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, I did. I'm a &quot;Blactino&quot;-American.
:'''Chinegro Woman''': Wow. Uh, first of all... first of all, you don't even look latino. [[w:African-American|You look black]]. You're... you're black. Second of all, I'm of [[w:Multiracial people|mixed race]], and I've struggled my whole life as to whether [[w:Chinese-American|I'm Chinese]] or whether I'm black.
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! What you are is &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! There you go!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': You are a &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': What the [''bleeped''] is &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': That's what you are! &quot;Chinegro&quot; is you!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's some bulls- [''bleep'']
:'''Jerry Springer''': Okay, as I understand it, you brought a mixed-race flow chart with you. Why don't we bring that out? [''Crowd shouts and booes'']
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': [''To a random heckler''] How you doin', sugar? All right. I'm gonna call you later. Mwah. All right. [''Crowd laughs''] Take a look at this... [''Unveils a chart''] &quot;Blactino&quot;, &quot;Blackasian&quot;, &quot;Hispasian&quot;, okay? Now, for the Asian subcategories, [''to the &quot;Chinegro&quot; woman''] I got you, sister! We have &quot;Chinegro&quot; right here! That's you! &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's not a word! That's not a word!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, it is, sister. We have &quot;Koreagro&quot;. &quot;Japegro&quot;, okay?! [''Crowd laughs''] &quot;Chispanic, &quot;Koreaspanic&quot;, and last but not least, check this out, y'all... &quot;Japanic&quot;. [''Crowd cheers''] That's how I flow with it! 
:'''Jerry Springer''': Do you believe the government should recognize these racial subgroups?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, Jerry, I do.

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': It's very simple. The, DMV is the de facto conduit for all humanity, and every human being that we track down has a record in the DMV database. Whether it be LAPD, Social Services, the Credit Bureau, or the FBI, they all use the DMV's database as their hub. So, we have people on the inside who feed us the information.
:'''Ed''': And who would know it? The gatekeepers of humanity turn out to be a bunch of sassy black women.

----
:'''Ian Ziering''': Come on, Bri. We're late, we're late.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Dude, it's fucking Mapquest. I told you, never again with that piece of shit.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Upon first meeting Domino]'' Why would a delicate little thing like you wanna be a bounty hunter?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I wanna have a little fun.

----
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Hey, how about it? Want to ride some bounty hunter cock?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Fuck you, dickhead!
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Ooh. Bitch!

----
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What background should someone have if they want to go into bounty hunting?
:'''Ed''': How does jail sound?

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': Why would you use Jerry Springer as a platform for some kind of progressive race modification proposal, anyway?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Well, I don't think Ted Koppel would book Lateesha Rodriguez!

----
:'''Choco''': [''Domino and a wounded Ed and Choco are trapped in an elevator plummeting to an almost certain death''] I love you.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Narrates''] I once swore never to invest too much emotion in anyone. [''In scene''] I love you. [''They kiss, then narrates, tearfully''] I love you, Choco.
:'''Ed''': [''Shouts''] It's a great day to die!

----
:'''Wanderer''': I know you. You're the angel of fire. Angel of fire. I know you. You burn bright enough to know there are certain sacrifices that need to be made. You see, if you don't give back the money, you all will die. And you will die contorted, and you will die unforgiven. You see, there's... there's this... this puzzle, and at the centre of this puzzle, there's a child, and this is a very sick child. [''Echoing''] A very sick child. But this child will be a great leader someday. Do you know the child I speak of?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Yes.
:'''Wanderer''': Well, you have only one destiny, and that destiny is... that you must offer your lives in exchange for the life of the child. Then, and only then, will you truly be cleansed in the blood of the lamb.

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to book us a hotel suite.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What, with my money?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to put it on your credit card.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Are you serious? [''Domino glares at him''] Okay, okay, don't look at me that way!

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': What's his problem?
:'''Ed''': Latin petulance. Hold on. Give me a minute with him.

----
:'''Ed''': ['&quot;About Domino''] You and I walk down the street, what do people see? A couple of losers, right? We add her to the equation you know what people are gonna think?
:'''Choco''': What?
:'''Ed''': There goes two of the coolest motherfuckers who ever lived. Hmm?
:'''Choco''': You know what? I don't know about you, man, but I'm already a cool motherfucker, you know?

----
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': All right, y'all, Lateesha done... Lateesha done dug herself a deep hole, and, uh, she can't get out by herself. Can y'all dig what I'm saying?
:'''Raul''': Mija, we're in a hole together. We dig together. We're a team.

----
:'''College girl''': My friend Tina, she thought you were dead.
:'''Ian Ziering''': Oh, really? Well, tell your friend Tina... she's a whore.

----
:'''Bishop Goon #1''': You want me to shoot 'em in the kneecaps?
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Now, you listen to me. Hold on one second. Ask them politely where the money is. If they don't know, just tell them to start digging their own graves.

----
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': [''Answers phone''] Yeah. Hello?
:'''Zoo President''': Mr. Cigliutti? I'm calling from the Zeta Theta Theta house at Cal West LA.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Yes, yes. What is it?
:'''Zoo President''': I'm sorry to be bothering you. It's a bit of an emergency.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': What?
:'''Zoo President''': Your sons have been kidnapped by these crazy game show hosts.

----
:'''Howie Stein''': Please, I just supply them with pussy!
:'''Lester Kincaid''': I just want to get people high, man!

----
:'''Taryn Miles''': Miss Harvey, my name is Taryn Mills. I'm a [[w:criminal psychologist|criminal psychologist]] working for [[w:FBI|the FBI]]. I'm here to ask you a few questions.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Voiceover''] Here's the part where I'm supposed to get all defensive and say, &quot;Not until I speak with my attorney.&quot; [''In scene''] I'll tell you everything I know.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Watching the [[w:Manchurian Candidate|Manchurian Candidate]]''] Heh. I knew Frank.
:'''Edna Fender''': Who didn't?
:'''Ed''': Hey, Edna you know what, sweetheart? You got, like, seven minutes to open that goddamn freezer or I'm gonna flush that fucking arm down the toilet.
:'''Edna Fender''': Fucker!

----
:'''Sorority Girl''': [[w:Neoteny|What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy]]?
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Off look''] [[w:Rhinoplasty|Have you had a nose job]]?
:'''Sorority Girl''': No. [''Domino starts punching her in the face with her falling to the floor with her holding her nose'']

----
:'''Kimmie''': [''Into microphone''] Just go in with batons and nun-chucks.
:'''Mark Heiss''': [''Into microphone''] Use nun-chucks. Nun-chucks are good.

----
:'''Drake Bishop''': [''To the Security technician''] Rewind, please.
:'''Burke Beckett''': [''Also to the technician''] Rewind the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Burke Beckett''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Now, can you zoom in?
:'''Burke Beckett''': Zoom in, please.
:'''Drake Bishop''': You a fucking mockingbird? Shut the fuck up!
:'''Burke Beckett''': I just...

==Cast==
*[[w:Keira Knightley|Keira Knightley]] as Domino Harvey
*[[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] as Ed Moseby
*[[w:Edgar Ramírez|Edgar Ramírez]] as Choco 
*[[w:Rizz Abbasi|Rizwan Abbasi]] as Alf 
*[[w:Delroy Lindo|Delroy Lindo]] as Claremont Williams
*[[w:Mo'Nique|Mo'Nique]] as Lateesha Rodriguez
*[[w:Ian Ziering|Ian Ziering]] as Ian Ziering
*[[w:Brian Austin Green|Brian Austin Green]] as Brian Austin Green
*[[w:Joe Nunez|Joseph Nunez]] as Raul Chavez (as Joseph Nunez)
*[[w:Macy Gray|Macy Gray]] as Lashandra Davis
*[[w:Shondrella Avery|Shondrella Avery]] as Lashindra Davis
*[[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Drake Bishop
*[[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]] as Burke Beckett
*[[w:Kel O'Neill|Kel O'Neill]] as Frances
*[[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] as Taryn Mills
*[[w:Jacqueline Bisset|Jacqueline Bisset]] as Sophie Wynn
*[[w:Dale Dickey|Dale Dickey]] as Edna Fender
*[[w:Lew Temple|Lew Temple]] as Locus Fender
*[[w:Christopher Walken|Christopher Walken]] as Mark Heiss
*[[w:Mena Suvari|Mena Suvari]] as Kimmie
*[[w:Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer]] as Jerry Springer
*[[w:T.K. Carter|T.K. Carter]] as Lester Kincaid
*[[w:Charles Paraventi|Charles Paraventi]] as Howie Stein
*[[w:Frederick Koehler|Frederick Koehler]] as Chuckie 
*[[w:Tom Waits|Tom Waits]] as Wanderer
*[[w:Stanley Kamel|Stanley Kamel]] as Anthony Cigliutti

==Taglines==
* Based on a true story - sort of...
* Heads You Live... Tails You Die.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0421054}}

[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Films about bounty hunters]]
[[Category:Films about organized crime]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607242</id>
      <parentid>3607239</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:44:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="17477" sha1="lmtfde51imdfre6lct9d4bexu3f8cka" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Domino (2005 film)|Domino]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 French-American-British action crime film]] that is inspired by [[w:Domino Harvey|Domino Harvey]], the English daughter of stage and screen actor [[w:Laurence Harvey|Laurence Harvey]], who became a [[w:Los Angeles|Los Angeles]] [[w:bounty hunter|bounty hunter]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Tony Scott|Tony Scott]], screenplay adapted by [[w:Richard Kelly (filmmaker)|Richard Kelly]] based on a story written by Kelly and [[w:Steve Barancik|Steve Barancik]].''
{{center|'''I Am a Bounty Hunter.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Domino Harvey== 
* [''Voiceover]'' You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here, [[w:Great Basin Desert|at the arse end of the Nevada desert]] with [[w:homicide|a blood-spattered]] [[w:Winnebago|Winnebago]] and [[w:amputee|a one-armed man]].
* [''Narrates''] My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter. You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here. What I say will determine whether or not I spend the rest of my life in prison. Let's start at the beginning.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's my best friend. His name is Choco. He's always fancied me, but too shy to ever do anything about it.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's our driver Alf. He's from [[w:Afghanistan|Afghanistan]]. [[w:cat meat|He once ate a cat]]. We can't understand how to pronounce his fucking name so we just call him [[w:American exceptionalism|the cat eating alien]].
* [''Voiceover]'' I've never killed anyone. I hope to never kill anyone, even if they deserve it. My agenda is to kick ass and secure the bounty. If I'm on this side of the law I can live the low life and avoid jail. I can live nasty and not do time for it. That's called the best of both worlds. As for that other world, that 90210 world, it's not for me.
* [''Voiceover]'' Nobody really knows where Ed came from. This much is clear, the man's been places, seen things, lived life. He did a term in [[w:Soledad|Soledad]] and a term in [[w:Angola|Angola]] where he lost a toe during [[w:prison riot|a prison riot]]. The man's a warrior.
* If you're wondering what's true and what isn't, fuck off, because it's none of your goddamn business!
* I saved her... And when she is older, a woman named Domino will tell her that there is only one conclusion to every story... We all fall down.
* [''Voice-over''] I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It's always a set-up to the pain of losing them.
* [''Voice-over''] Choco grew up on the streets of [[w:Venezuela|Venezuela]]. When he was four years old, he stabbed another kid in the eyeball with a pencil.
* [''Voice-over''] There were wires crossed somewhere in his soul.
* [''Voice-over''] When I was a little girl my father told me that if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second. You have to know when to cash out.
* [''Voice-over''] God created me in his image. I guess he had a thing for models.
* [''Voice-over''] If you think America is dirtbag central, clearly you've never been to [[w:United Kingdom|the skeeze nation of our queen mother]].
* [''Voice-over''] I could feel the blood coursing through my veins. Shotgun in hand, kicking down a door and wondering if there was heavy firepower on the other side.
* [''Voice-over''] That night, my coin was tossed. Heads, you live. Tails, you die. 50/50 chance. Life or death. This ain't [[w:Sunset Boulevard|Sunset Boulevard]]. My destiny was life. Life as a bounty hunter.
* [''Voice-over''] I've been training since I was twelve. Knives, guns, [[w:throwing stars|throwing stars]]. You name it, and I can fight with it. I'm a hard worker. I'm a hard worker and a fast learner. Nothing scares me. I'm not afraid to die.
* There are three kinds of people in the world... the rich... the poor... and everyone in between.
* Put your fucking weapon down!
* [''Voiceover''] That's Ed Moseby, the most legendary bounty hunter in all of Los Angeles. He's my boss, my mentor, the father I never had.
* [''Voiceover''] To say that Choco is the product of a broken home is to presume a home existed in the first place. No. Choco never had a home, well, not unless you count the ten or so juvenile correction facilities where he spent his child hood.
* Sometimes a girl has to be naughty in order to get herself out of a jam. [''Proceeds to perform [[w:lap dance|a lap dance]] for a thug'']
* [''To Choco from motel room door''] Do you mind if I ask you a question? Do I look like I [[w:Spanish language|speak Spanish]]? [[w:South American people|Do I look South American to you]]? [[w:dumbing down|I don't understand a word you're fucking saying]]! You know what? Ed's right! It's not cute! It's not fucking cute! It's never been fucking cute, Choco! I don't fucking understand you! You're a freak! [''Slams motel room door in his face'']
* Turn the fucking camera off!

==Kimmie==
* I should let you know that Mr. Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a [[w:ferret|ferret]] on [[w:crystal meth|crystal meth]].

==Mark Heiss==
* You tell Domino Harvey that nobody messes with Mark Heiss! Nobody messes with [[w:The WB|the WB]]!
* [''After a particularly unpleasant day of filming the bounty hunters' reality TV show, to Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, the hosts''] This is going to jump-start your careers!
* [''As he chews gum''] It's like... [[w:Night of the Living Dead|Night... of the Living Dead]]!

==Sophie Wynn==
* Absolutely brilliant.

==Ed==
* Love is a battlefield, baby.
* Excuse the fuck out of us!
* [''Domino, Ed and Choco are about to make a bust''] Okay, Domino, you're with me on the side. [''Cocks shotgun''] Choco, you cover the rear.
* I blew off my own goddamn toe. Just to numb the pain. Let me tell you something, we all get weak over women. We all get weak over women. Fuckin' broads are all nuts. They know how to kill us.

==Howie Stein==
* Now, if [[w:2 Live Crew|2 Live Crew]] has taught us anything, it's that [[w:sexial arousal|horniness]] in today's society is out of control. And at one point within the next decade, mark my words, ladies and gentlemen, society will have reached something I call [[w:Hypersexuality|APATT...&quot;All porno, all the time.&quot; Pornography will have become an epidemic in this country]]. Phase one... [[w:masturbation|masturbation]].
* And to our female friends here today, we must not abuse of our dogs with the lure of a peanut butter snatch. We must channel our horniness into extracurricular activities.

==Locus Fender==
* I'm gonna fill up the tank and grab a Mountain Dew. Don't make a peep. Especially you, Barbara.

==Frances==
* Listen to me... bitch. I don't think you know who the fuck you are dealing with.

==Dialogue==
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Now, as a &quot;Blactino&quot; woman, I believe we deserve our own race category to forge an identity, Jerry. That's how I feel.
:'''Jerry Springer''': Did you just say &quot;Blactino&quot;?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, I did. I'm a &quot;Blactino&quot;-American.
:'''Chinegro Woman''': Wow. Uh, first of all... first of all, you don't even look latino. [[w:African-American|You look black]]. You're... you're black. Second of all, I'm of [[w:Multiracial people|mixed race]], and I've struggled my whole life as to whether [[w:Chinese-American|I'm Chinese]] or whether I'm black.
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! What you are is &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! There you go!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': You are a &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': What the [''bleeped''] is &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': That's what you are! &quot;Chinegro&quot; is you!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's some bulls- [''bleep'']
:'''Jerry Springer''': Okay, as I understand it, you brought a mixed-race flow chart with you. Why don't we bring that out? [''Crowd shouts and booes'']
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': [''To a random heckler''] How you doin', sugar? All right. I'm gonna call you later. Mwah. All right. [''Crowd laughs''] Take a look at this... [''Unveils a chart''] &quot;Blactino&quot;, &quot;Blackasian&quot;, &quot;Hispasian&quot;, okay? Now, for the Asian subcategories, [''to the &quot;Chinegro&quot; woman''] I got you, sister! We have &quot;Chinegro&quot; right here! That's you! &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's not a word! That's not a word!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, it is, sister. We have &quot;Koreagro&quot;. &quot;Japegro&quot;, okay?! [''Crowd laughs''] &quot;Chispanic, &quot;Koreaspanic&quot;, and last but not least, check this out, y'all... &quot;Japanic&quot;. [''Crowd cheers''] That's how I flow with it! 
:'''Jerry Springer''': Do you believe the government should recognize these racial subgroups?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, Jerry, I do.

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': It's very simple. [[w:Department of Motor Vehicles|The DMV]] is the de facto conduit for all humanity, and every human being that we track down has a record in the DMV database. Whether it be LAPD, Social Services, the Credit Bureau, or the FBI, they all use the DMV's database as their hub. So, we have people on the inside who feed us the information.
:'''Ed''': And who would know it? The gatekeepers of humanity turn out to be a bunch of sassy black women.

----
:'''Ian Ziering''': Come on, Bri. We're late, we're late.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Dude, it's fucking Mapquest. I told you, never again with that piece of shit.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Upon first meeting Domino]'' Why would a delicate little thing like you wanna be a bounty hunter?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I wanna have a little fun.

----
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Hey, how about it? Want to ride some bounty hunter cock?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Fuck you, dickhead!
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Ooh. Bitch!

----
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What background should someone have if they want to go into bounty hunting?
:'''Ed''': How does jail sound?

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': Why would you use Jerry Springer as a platform for some kind of progressive race modification proposal, anyway?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Well, I don't think Ted Koppel would book Lateesha Rodriguez!

----
:'''Choco''': [''Domino and a wounded Ed and Choco are trapped in an elevator plummeting to an almost certain death''] I love you.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Narrates''] I once swore never to invest too much emotion in anyone. [''In scene''] I love you. [''They kiss, then narrates, tearfully''] I love you, Choco.
:'''Ed''': [''Shouts''] It's a great day to die!

----
:'''Wanderer''': I know you. You're the angel of fire. Angel of fire. I know you. You burn bright enough to know there are certain sacrifices that need to be made. You see, if you don't give back the money, you all will die. And you will die contorted, and you will die unforgiven. You see, there's... there's this... this puzzle, and at the centre of this puzzle, there's a child, and this is a very sick child. [''Echoing''] A very sick child. But this child will be a great leader someday. Do you know the child I speak of?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Yes.
:'''Wanderer''': Well, you have only one destiny, and that destiny is... that you must offer your lives in exchange for the life of the child. Then, and only then, will you truly be cleansed in the blood of the lamb.

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to book us a hotel suite.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What, with my money?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to put it on your credit card.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Are you serious? [''Domino glares at him''] Okay, okay, don't look at me that way!

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': What's his problem?
:'''Ed''': Latin petulance. Hold on. Give me a minute with him.

----
:'''Ed''': ['&quot;About Domino''] You and I walk down the street, what do people see? A couple of losers, right? We add her to the equation you know what people are gonna think?
:'''Choco''': What?
:'''Ed''': There goes two of the coolest motherfuckers who ever lived. Hmm?
:'''Choco''': You know what? I don't know about you, man, but I'm already a cool motherfucker, you know?

----
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': All right, y'all, Lateesha done... Lateesha done dug herself a deep hole, and, uh, she can't get out by herself. Can y'all dig what I'm saying?
:'''Raul''': Mija, we're in a hole together. We dig together. We're a team.

----
:'''College girl''': My friend Tina, she thought you were dead.
:'''Ian Ziering''': Oh, really? Well, tell your friend Tina... she's a whore.

----
:'''Bishop Goon #1''': You want me to shoot 'em in the kneecaps?
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Now, you listen to me. Hold on one second. Ask them politely where the money is. If they don't know, just tell them to start digging their own graves.

----
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': [''Answers phone''] Yeah. Hello?
:'''Zoo President''': Mr. Cigliutti? I'm calling from the Zeta Theta Theta house at Cal West LA.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Yes, yes. What is it?
:'''Zoo President''': I'm sorry to be bothering you. It's a bit of an emergency.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': What?
:'''Zoo President''': Your sons have been kidnapped by these crazy game show hosts.

----
:'''Howie Stein''': Please, I just supply them with pussy!
:'''Lester Kincaid''': I just want to get people high, man!

----
:'''Taryn Miles''': Miss Harvey, my name is Taryn Mills. I'm a [[w:criminal psychologist|criminal psychologist]] working for [[w:FBI|the FBI]]. I'm here to ask you a few questions.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Voiceover''] Here's the part where I'm supposed to get all defensive and say, &quot;Not until I speak with my attorney.&quot; [''In scene''] I'll tell you everything I know.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Watching the [[w:Manchurian Candidate|Manchurian Candidate]]''] Heh. I knew Frank.
:'''Edna Fender''': Who didn't?
:'''Ed''': Hey, Edna you know what, sweetheart? You got, like, seven minutes to open that goddamn freezer or I'm gonna flush that fucking arm down the toilet.
:'''Edna Fender''': Fucker!

----
:'''Sorority Girl''': [[w:Neoteny|What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy]]?
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Off look''] [[w:Rhinoplasty|Have you had a nose job]]?
:'''Sorority Girl''': No. [''Domino starts punching her in the face with her falling to the floor with her holding her nose'']

----
:'''Kimmie''': [''Into microphone''] Just go in with batons and nun-chucks.
:'''Mark Heiss''': [''Into microphone''] Use nun-chucks. Nun-chucks are good.

----
:'''Drake Bishop''': [''To the Security technician''] Rewind, please.
:'''Burke Beckett''': [''Also to the technician''] Rewind the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Burke Beckett''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Now, can you zoom in?
:'''Burke Beckett''': Zoom in, please.
:'''Drake Bishop''': You a fucking mockingbird? Shut the fuck up!
:'''Burke Beckett''': I just...

----
:'''Ed''': [''Choco walks into motel room with Ed watching an adult film''] Man, they never show [[w:cum shot|the cum shots]] in these shitbag motels. [''Choco destroys the TV''] Jesus Christ, Choco! I just got done paying 12.95 for this movie! I'm never gonna know how it ends!
:'''Choco''': Don't fuck with me, Ed.
:'''Ed'': Listen, Choco, don't go goddamn King Kong on me, okay? If you want to be alone... if you need me, I'll tell you what... I'll be in Domino's room. I'll be makin' up my own ending.
:'''Choco''': Shut up!
:'''Ed'': Come on, boy. I'm gonna whip your ass, and then I'm gonna whip your goddamn girlfriend's ass! [''Choco aims gun at him''] Do it! Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing? Over this?! Pull the fucking trigger! 
:'''Choco''': I will fucking pull it!

==Cast==
*[[w:Keira Knightley|Keira Knightley]] as Domino Harvey
*[[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] as Ed Moseby
*[[w:Edgar Ramírez|Edgar Ramírez]] as Choco 
*[[w:Rizz Abbasi|Rizwan Abbasi]] as Alf 
*[[w:Delroy Lindo|Delroy Lindo]] as Claremont Williams
*[[w:Mo'Nique|Mo'Nique]] as Lateesha Rodriguez
*[[w:Ian Ziering|Ian Ziering]] as Ian Ziering
*[[w:Brian Austin Green|Brian Austin Green]] as Brian Austin Green
*[[w:Joe Nunez|Joseph Nunez]] as Raul Chavez (as Joseph Nunez)
*[[w:Macy Gray|Macy Gray]] as Lashandra Davis
*[[w:Shondrella Avery|Shondrella Avery]] as Lashindra Davis
*[[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Drake Bishop
*[[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]] as Burke Beckett
*[[w:Kel O'Neill|Kel O'Neill]] as Frances
*[[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] as Taryn Mills
*[[w:Jacqueline Bisset|Jacqueline Bisset]] as Sophie Wynn
*[[w:Dale Dickey|Dale Dickey]] as Edna Fender
*[[w:Lew Temple|Lew Temple]] as Locus Fender
*[[w:Christopher Walken|Christopher Walken]] as Mark Heiss
*[[w:Mena Suvari|Mena Suvari]] as Kimmie
*[[w:Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer]] as Jerry Springer
*[[w:T.K. Carter|T.K. Carter]] as Lester Kincaid
*[[w:Charles Paraventi|Charles Paraventi]] as Howie Stein
*[[w:Frederick Koehler|Frederick Koehler]] as Chuckie 
*[[w:Tom Waits|Tom Waits]] as Wanderer
*[[w:Stanley Kamel|Stanley Kamel]] as Anthony Cigliutti

==Taglines==
* Based on a true story - sort of...
* Heads You Live... Tails You Die.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0421054}}

[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Films about bounty hunters]]
[[Category:Films about organized crime]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]</text>
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        <id>3198559</id>
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      <text bytes="17522" sha1="akoomtph05ic9z3es5kl97c9j6v8mg2" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Domino (2005 film)|Domino]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 French-American-British action crime film]] that is inspired by [[w:Domino Harvey|Domino Harvey]], the English daughter of stage and screen actor [[w:Laurence Harvey|Laurence Harvey]], who became a [[w:Los Angeles|Los Angeles]] [[w:bounty hunter|bounty hunter]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Tony Scott|Tony Scott]], screenplay adapted by [[w:Richard Kelly (filmmaker)|Richard Kelly]] based on a story written by Kelly and [[w:Steve Barancik|Steve Barancik]].''
{{center|'''I Am a Bounty Hunter.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Domino Harvey== 
* [''Voiceover]'' You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here, [[w:Great Basin Desert|at the arse end of the Nevada desert]] with [[w:homicide|a blood-spattered]] [[w:Winnebago|Winnebago]] and [[w:amputee|a one-armed man]].
* [''Narrates''] My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter. You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here. What I say will determine whether or not I spend the rest of my life in prison. Let's start at the beginning.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's my best friend. His name is Choco. He's always fancied me, but too shy to ever do anything about it.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's our driver Alf. He's from [[w:Afghanistan|Afghanistan]]. [[w:cat meat|He once ate a cat]]. We can't understand how to pronounce his fucking name so we just call him [[w:American exceptionalism|the cat eating alien]].
* [''Voiceover]'' I've never killed anyone. I hope to never kill anyone, even if they deserve it. My agenda is to kick ass and secure the bounty. If I'm on this side of the law I can live the low life and avoid jail. I can live nasty and not do time for it. That's called the best of both worlds. As for that other world, that 90210 world, it's not for me.
* [''Voiceover]'' Nobody really knows where Ed came from. This much is clear, the man's been places, seen things, lived life. He did a term in [[w:Soledad|Soledad]] and a term in [[w:Angola|Angola]] where he lost a toe during [[w:prison riot|a prison riot]]. The man's a warrior.
* If you're wondering what's true and what isn't, fuck off, because it's none of your goddamn business!
* I saved her... And when she is older, a woman named Domino will tell her that there is only one conclusion to every story... We all fall down.
* [''Voice-over''] I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It's always a set-up to the pain of losing them.
* [''Voice-over''] Choco grew up on the streets of [[w:Venezuela|Venezuela]]. When he was four years old, he stabbed another kid in the eyeball with a pencil.
* [''Voice-over''] There were wires crossed somewhere in his soul.
* [''Voice-over''] When I was a little girl my father told me that if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second. You have to know when to cash out.
* [''Voice-over''] God created me in his image. I guess he had a thing for models.
* [''Voice-over''] If you think America is dirtbag central, clearly you've never been to [[w:United Kingdom|the skeeze nation of our queen mother]].
* [''Voice-over''] I could feel the blood coursing through my veins. Shotgun in hand, kicking down a door and wondering if there was heavy firepower on the other side.
* [''Voice-over''] That night, my coin was tossed. Heads, you live. Tails, you die. 50/50 chance. Life or death. This ain't [[w:Sunset Boulevard|Sunset Boulevard]]. My destiny was life. Life as a bounty hunter.
* [''Voice-over''] I've been training since I was twelve. Knives, guns, [[w:throwing stars|throwing stars]]. You name it, and I can fight with it. I'm a hard worker. I'm a hard worker and a fast learner. Nothing scares me. I'm not afraid to die.
* There are three kinds of people in the world... the rich... the poor... and everyone in between.
* Put your fucking weapon down!
* [''Voiceover''] That's Ed Moseby, the most legendary bounty hunter in all of Los Angeles. He's my boss, my mentor, the father I never had.
* [''Voiceover''] To say that Choco is the product of a broken home is to presume a home existed in the first place. No. Choco never had a home, well, not unless you count the ten or so juvenile correction facilities where he spent his child hood.
* Sometimes a girl has to be naughty in order to get herself out of a jam. [''Proceeds to perform [[w:lap dance|a lap dance]] for a thug'']
* [''To Choco from motel room door''] Do you mind if I ask you a question? Do I look like I [[w:Spanish language|speak Spanish]]? [[w:South American people|Do I look South American to you]]? [[w:dumbing down|I don't understand a word you're fucking saying]]! You know what? Ed's right! It's not cute! It's not fucking cute! It's never been fucking cute, Choco! I don't fucking understand you! You're a freak! [''Slams motel room door in his face'']
* Turn the fucking camera off!

==Kimmie==
* I should let you know that Mr. Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a [[w:ferret|ferret]] on [[w:crystal meth|crystal meth]].

==Mark Heiss==
* You tell Domino Harvey that nobody messes with Mark Heiss! Nobody messes with [[w:The WB|the WB]]!
* [''After a particularly unpleasant day of filming the bounty hunters' reality TV show, to Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, the hosts''] This is going to jump-start your careers!
* [''As he chews gum''] It's like... [[w:Night of the Living Dead|Night... of the Living Dead]]!

==Sophie Wynn==
* Absolutely brilliant.

==Ed==
* Love is a battlefield, baby.
* Excuse the fuck out of us!
* [''Domino, Ed and Choco are about to make a bust''] Okay, Domino, you're with me on the side. [''Cocks shotgun''] Choco, you cover the rear.
* I blew off my own goddamn toe. Just to numb the pain. Let me tell you something, we all get weak over women. We all get weak over women. Fuckin' broads are all nuts. They know how to kill us.

==Howie Stein==
* Now, if [[w:2 Live Crew|2 Live Crew]] has taught us anything, it's that [[w:sexial arousal|horniness]] in today's society is out of control. And at one point within the next decade, mark my words, ladies and gentlemen, society will have reached something I call [[w:Hypersexuality|APATT...&quot;All porno, all the time.&quot; Pornography will have become an epidemic in this country]]. Phase one... [[w:masturbation|masturbation]].
* And to our female friends here today, we must not abuse of our dogs with the lure of a peanut butter snatch. We must channel our horniness into extracurricular activities.

==Locus Fender==
* I'm gonna fill up the tank and grab a Mountain Dew. Don't make a peep. Especially you, Barbara.

==Frances==
* Listen to me... bitch. I don't think you know who the fuck you are dealing with.

==Dialogue==
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Now, as a &quot;Blactino&quot; woman, I believe we deserve our own race category to forge an identity, Jerry. That's how I feel.
:'''Jerry Springer''': Did you just say &quot;Blactino&quot;?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, I did. I'm a &quot;Blactino&quot;-American.
:'''Chinegro Woman''': Wow. Uh, first of all... first of all, you don't even look latino. [[w:African-American|You look black]]. You're... you're black. Second of all, I'm of [[w:Multiracial people|mixed race]], and I've struggled my whole life as to whether [[w:Chinese-American|I'm Chinese]] or whether I'm black.
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! What you are is &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! There you go!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': You are a &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': What the [''bleeped''] is &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': That's what you are! &quot;Chinegro&quot; is you!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's some bulls- [''bleep'']
:'''Jerry Springer''': Okay, as I understand it, you brought a mixed-race flow chart with you. Why don't we bring that out? [''Crowd shouts and booes'']
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': [''To a random heckler''] How you doin', sugar? All right. I'm gonna call you later. Mwah. All right. [''Crowd laughs''] Take a look at this... [''Unveils a chart''] &quot;Blactino&quot;, &quot;Blackasian&quot;, &quot;Hispasian&quot;, okay? Now, for the Asian subcategories, [''to the &quot;Chinegro&quot; woman''] I got you, sister! We have &quot;Chinegro&quot; right here! That's you! &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's not a word! That's not a word!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, it is, sister. We have &quot;Koreagro&quot;. &quot;Japegro&quot;, okay?! [''Crowd laughs''] &quot;Chispanic, &quot;Koreaspanic&quot;, and last but not least, check this out, y'all... &quot;Japanic&quot;. [''Crowd cheers''] That's how I flow with it! 
:'''Jerry Springer''': Do you believe the government should recognize these racial subgroups?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, Jerry, I do.

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': It's very simple. [[w:Department of Motor Vehicles|The DMV]] is the de facto conduit for all humanity, and every human being that we track down has a record in the DMV database. Whether it be LAPD, Social Services, the Credit Bureau, or the FBI, they all use the DMV's database as their hub. So, we have people on the inside who feed us the information.
:'''Ed''': And who would know it? The gatekeepers of humanity turn out to be a bunch of sassy black women.

----
:'''Ian Ziering''': Come on, Bri. We're late, we're late.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Dude, it's fucking Mapquest. I told you, never again with that piece of shit.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Upon first meeting Domino]'' Why would a delicate little thing like you wanna be a bounty hunter?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I wanna have a little fun.

----
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Hey, how about it? Want to ride some bounty hunter cock?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Fuck you, dickhead!
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Ooh. Bitch!

----
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What background should someone have if they want to go into bounty hunting?
:'''Ed''': How does jail sound?

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': Why would you use Jerry Springer as a platform for some kind of progressive race modification proposal, anyway?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Well, I don't think Ted Koppel would book Lateesha Rodriguez!

----
:'''Choco''': [''Domino and a wounded Ed and Choco are trapped in an elevator plummeting to an almost certain death''] I love you.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Narrates''] I once swore never to invest too much emotion in anyone. [''In scene''] I love you. [''They kiss, then narrates, tearfully''] I love you, Choco.
:'''Ed''': [''Shouts''] It's a great day to die!

----
:'''Wanderer''': I know you. You're the angel of fire. Angel of fire. I know you. You burn bright enough to know there are certain sacrifices that need to be made. You see, if you don't give back the money, you all will die. And you will die contorted, and you will die unforgiven. You see, there's... there's this... this puzzle, and at the centre of this puzzle, there's a child, and this is a very sick child. [''Echoing''] A very sick child. But this child will be a great leader someday. Do you know the child I speak of?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Yes.
:'''Wanderer''': Well, you have only one destiny, and that destiny is... that you must offer your lives in exchange for the life of the child. Then, and only then, will you truly be cleansed in the blood of the lamb.

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to book us a hotel suite.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What, with my money?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to put it on your credit card.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Are you serious? [''Domino glares at him''] Okay, okay, don't look at me that way!

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': What's his problem?
:'''Ed''': Latin petulance. Hold on. Give me a minute with him.

----
:'''Ed''': ['&quot;About Domino''] You and I walk down the street, what do people see? A couple of losers, right? We add her to the equation you know what people are gonna think?
:'''Choco''': What?
:'''Ed''': There goes two of the coolest motherfuckers who ever lived. Hmm?
:'''Choco''': You know what? I don't know about you, man, but I'm already a cool motherfucker, you know?

----
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': All right, y'all, Lateesha done... Lateesha done dug herself a deep hole, and, uh, she can't get out by herself. Can y'all dig what I'm saying?
:'''Raul''': Mija, we're in a hole together. We dig together. We're a team.

----
:'''College girl''': My friend Tina, she thought you were dead.
:'''Ian Ziering''': Oh, really? Well, tell your friend Tina... she's a whore.

----
:'''Bishop Goon #1''': You want me to shoot 'em in the kneecaps?
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Now, you listen to me. Hold on one second. Ask them politely where the money is. If they don't know, just tell them to start digging their own graves.

----
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': [''Answers phone''] Yeah. Hello?
:'''Zoo President''': Mr. Cigliutti? I'm calling from the Zeta Theta Theta house at Cal West LA.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Yes, yes. What is it?
:'''Zoo President''': I'm sorry to be bothering you. It's a bit of an emergency.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': What?
:'''Zoo President''': Your sons have been kidnapped by these crazy game show hosts.

----
:'''Howie Stein''': Please, I just supply them with pussy!
:'''Lester Kincaid''': I just want to get people high, man!

----
:'''Taryn Miles''': Miss Harvey, my name is Taryn Mills. I'm a [[w:criminal psychologist|criminal psychologist]] working for [[w:FBI|the FBI]]. I'm here to ask you a few questions.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Voiceover''] Here's the part where I'm supposed to get all defensive and say, &quot;Not until I speak with my attorney.&quot; [''In scene''] I'll tell you everything I know.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Watching the [[w:Manchurian Candidate|Manchurian Candidate]]''] Heh. I knew Frank.
:'''Edna Fender''': Who didn't?
:'''Ed''': Hey, Edna you know what, sweetheart? You got, like, seven minutes to open that goddamn freezer or I'm gonna flush that fucking arm down the toilet.
:'''Edna Fender''': Fucker!

----
:'''Sorority Girl''': [[w:Neoteny|What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy]]?
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Off look''] [[w:Rhinoplasty|Have you had a nose job]]?
:'''Sorority Girl''': No. [''Domino starts punching her in the face with her falling to the floor with her holding her nose'']

----
:'''Kimmie''': [''Into microphone''] Just go in with batons and nun-chucks.
:'''Mark Heiss''': [''Into microphone''] Use nun-chucks. Nun-chucks are good.

----
:'''Drake Bishop''': [''To the Security technician''] Rewind, please.
:'''Burke Beckett''': [''Also to the technician''] Rewind the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Burke Beckett''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Now, can you zoom in?
:'''Burke Beckett''': Zoom in, please.
:'''Drake Bishop''': You a fucking mockingbird? Shut the fuck up!
:'''Burke Beckett''': I just...

----
:'''Ed''': [''Choco walks into motel room with Ed watching an adult film''] Man, they never show [[w:cum shot|the cum shots]] in these shitbag motels. [''Choco destroys the TV''] Jesus Christ, Choco! I just got done paying 12.95 for this movie! I'm never gonna know how it ends!
:'''Choco''': Don't fuck with me, Ed.
:'''Ed'': Listen, Choco, don't go goddamn King Kong on me, okay? If you want to be alone... if you need me, I'll tell you what... I'll be in Domino's room. I'll be makin' up my own ending.
:'''Choco''': Shut up!
:'''Ed'': Come on, boy. I'm gonna whip your ass, and then I'm gonna whip your goddamn girlfriend's ass! [''Choco aims gun at him''] Do it! Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing? Over this?! Pull the fucking trigger! 
:'''Choco''': I will fucking pull it!

==Cast==
*[[w:Keira Knightley|Keira Knightley]] as Domino Harvey
*[[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] as Ed Moseby
*[[w:Edgar Ramírez|Edgar Ramírez]] as Choco 
*[[w:Rizz Abbasi|Rizwan Abbasi]] as Alf 
*[[w:Delroy Lindo|Delroy Lindo]] as Claremont Williams
*[[w:Mo'Nique|Mo'Nique]] as Lateesha Rodriguez
*[[w:Ian Ziering|Ian Ziering]] as Ian Ziering
*[[w:Brian Austin Green|Brian Austin Green]] as Brian Austin Green
*[[w:Joe Nunez|Joseph Nunez]] as Raul Chavez (as Joseph Nunez)
*[[w:Macy Gray|Macy Gray]] as Lashandra Davis
*[[w:Shondrella Avery|Shondrella Avery]] as Lashindra Davis
*[[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Drake Bishop
*[[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]] as Burke Beckett
*[[w:Kel O'Neill|Kel O'Neill]] as Frances
*[[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] as Taryn Mills
*[[w:Jacqueline Bisset|Jacqueline Bisset]] as Sophie Wynn
*[[w:Dale Dickey|Dale Dickey]] as Edna Fender
*[[w:Lew Temple|Lew Temple]] as Locus Fender
*[[w:Christopher Walken|Christopher Walken]] as Mark Heiss
*[[w:Mena Suvari|Mena Suvari]] as Kimmie
*[[w:Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer]] as Jerry Springer
*[[w:T.K. Carter|T.K. Carter]] as Lester Kincaid
*[[w:Charles Paraventi|Charles Paraventi]] as Howie Stein
*[[w:Frederick Koehler|Frederick Koehler]] as Chuckie 
*[[w:Tom Waits|Tom Waits]] as Wanderer
*[[w:Stanley Kamel|Stanley Kamel]] as Anthony Cigliutti

==Taglines==
* Based on a true story - sort of...
* Heads You Live... Tails You Die.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0421054}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=domino|title=Domino}}

[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Films about bounty hunters]]
[[Category:Films about organized crime]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607490</id>
      <parentid>3607488</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:13:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
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      <text bytes="17533" sha1="73owzz05asiwzdoy89xgbqt5wcytvnd" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Domino (2005 film)|Domino]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 French-American-British action crime film]] that is inspired by [[w:Domino Harvey|Domino Harvey]], the English daughter of stage and screen actor [[w:Laurence Harvey|Laurence Harvey]], who became a [[w:Los Angeles|Los Angeles]] [[w:bounty hunter|bounty hunter]]. 
:''Directed by [[w:Tony Scott|Tony Scott]], screenplay adapted by [[w:Richard Kelly (filmmaker)|Richard Kelly]] based on a story written by Kelly and [[w:Steve Barancik|Steve Barancik]].''
{{center|'''I Am a Bounty Hunter.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Domino Harvey== 
* [''Voiceover]'' You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here, [[w:Great Basin Desert|at the arse end of the Nevada desert]] with [[w:homicide|a blood-spattered]] [[w:Winnebago Industries|Winnebago]] and [[w:amputee|a one-armed man]].
* [''Narrates''] My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter. You're probably wondering how a girl like me arrived here. What I say will determine whether or not I spend the rest of my life in prison. Let's start at the beginning.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's my best friend. His name is Choco. He's always fancied me, but too shy to ever do anything about it.
* [''Voiceover]'' That's our driver Alf. He's from [[w:Afghanistan|Afghanistan]]. [[w:cat meat|He once ate a cat]]. We can't understand how to pronounce his fucking name so we just call him [[w:American exceptionalism|the cat eating alien]].
* [''Voiceover]'' I've never killed anyone. I hope to never kill anyone, even if they deserve it. My agenda is to kick ass and secure the bounty. If I'm on this side of the law I can live the low life and avoid jail. I can live nasty and not do time for it. That's called the best of both worlds. As for that other world, that 90210 world, it's not for me.
* [''Voiceover]'' Nobody really knows where Ed came from. This much is clear, the man's been places, seen things, lived life. He did a term in [[w:Soledad|Soledad]] and a term in [[w:Angola|Angola]] where he lost a toe during [[w:prison riot|a prison riot]]. The man's a warrior.
* If you're wondering what's true and what isn't, fuck off, because it's none of your goddamn business!
* I saved her... And when she is older, a woman named Domino will tell her that there is only one conclusion to every story... We all fall down.
* [''Voice-over''] I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It's always a set-up to the pain of losing them.
* [''Voice-over''] Choco grew up on the streets of [[w:Venezuela|Venezuela]]. When he was four years old, he stabbed another kid in the eyeball with a pencil.
* [''Voice-over''] There were wires crossed somewhere in his soul.
* [''Voice-over''] When I was a little girl my father told me that if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second. You have to know when to cash out.
* [''Voice-over''] God created me in his image. I guess he had a thing for models.
* [''Voice-over''] If you think America is dirtbag central, clearly you've never been to [[w:United Kingdom|the skeeze nation of our queen mother]].
* [''Voice-over''] I could feel the blood coursing through my veins. Shotgun in hand, kicking down a door and wondering if there was heavy firepower on the other side.
* [''Voice-over''] That night, my coin was tossed. Heads, you live. Tails, you die. 50/50 chance. Life or death. This ain't [[w:Sunset Boulevard|Sunset Boulevard]]. My destiny was life. Life as a bounty hunter.
* [''Voice-over''] I've been training since I was twelve. Knives, guns, [[w:throwing stars|throwing stars]]. You name it, and I can fight with it. I'm a hard worker. I'm a hard worker and a fast learner. Nothing scares me. I'm not afraid to die.
* There are three kinds of people in the world... the rich... the poor... and everyone in between.
* Put your fucking weapon down!
* [''Voiceover''] That's Ed Moseby, the most legendary bounty hunter in all of Los Angeles. He's my boss, my mentor, the father I never had.
* [''Voiceover''] To say that Choco is the product of a broken home is to presume a home existed in the first place. No. Choco never had a home, well, not unless you count the ten or so juvenile correction facilities where he spent his child hood.
* Sometimes a girl has to be naughty in order to get herself out of a jam. [''Proceeds to perform [[w:lap dance|a lap dance]] for a thug'']
* [''To Choco from motel room door''] Do you mind if I ask you a question? Do I look like I [[w:Spanish language|speak Spanish]]? [[w:South American people|Do I look South American to you]]? [[w:dumbing down|I don't understand a word you're fucking saying]]! You know what? Ed's right! It's not cute! It's not fucking cute! It's never been fucking cute, Choco! I don't fucking understand you! You're a freak! [''Slams motel room door in his face'']
* Turn the fucking camera off!

==Kimmie==
* I should let you know that Mr. Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a [[w:ferret|ferret]] on [[w:crystal meth|crystal meth]].

==Mark Heiss==
* You tell Domino Harvey that nobody messes with Mark Heiss! Nobody messes with [[w:The WB|the WB]]!
* [''After a particularly unpleasant day of filming the bounty hunters' reality TV show, to Ian Ziering and Brian Austin Green, the hosts''] This is going to jump-start your careers!
* [''As he chews gum''] It's like... [[w:Night of the Living Dead|Night... of the Living Dead]]!

==Sophie Wynn==
* Absolutely brilliant.

==Ed==
* Love is a battlefield, baby.
* Excuse the fuck out of us!
* [''Domino, Ed and Choco are about to make a bust''] Okay, Domino, you're with me on the side. [''Cocks shotgun''] Choco, you cover the rear.
* I blew off my own goddamn toe. Just to numb the pain. Let me tell you something, we all get weak over women. We all get weak over women. Fuckin' broads are all nuts. They know how to kill us.

==Howie Stein==
* Now, if [[w:2 Live Crew|2 Live Crew]] has taught us anything, it's that [[w:sexial arousal|horniness]] in today's society is out of control. And at one point within the next decade, mark my words, ladies and gentlemen, society will have reached something I call [[w:Hypersexuality|APATT...&quot;All porno, all the time.&quot; Pornography will have become an epidemic in this country]]. Phase one... [[w:masturbation|masturbation]].
* And to our female friends here today, we must not abuse of our dogs with the lure of a peanut butter snatch. We must channel our horniness into extracurricular activities.

==Locus Fender==
* I'm gonna fill up the tank and grab a Mountain Dew. Don't make a peep. Especially you, Barbara.

==Frances==
* Listen to me... bitch. I don't think you know who the fuck you are dealing with.

==Dialogue==
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Now, as a &quot;Blactino&quot; woman, I believe we deserve our own race category to forge an identity, Jerry. That's how I feel.
:'''Jerry Springer''': Did you just say &quot;Blactino&quot;?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, I did. I'm a &quot;Blactino&quot;-American.
:'''Chinegro Woman''': Wow. Uh, first of all... first of all, you don't even look latino. [[w:African-American|You look black]]. You're... you're black. Second of all, I'm of [[w:Multiracial people|mixed race]], and I've struggled my whole life as to whether [[w:Chinese-American|I'm Chinese]] or whether I'm black.
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! What you are is &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;! There you go!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': You are a &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': What the [''bleeped''] is &quot;Chinegro&quot;?!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': That's what you are! &quot;Chinegro&quot; is you!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's some bulls- [''bleep'']
:'''Jerry Springer''': Okay, as I understand it, you brought a mixed-race flow chart with you. Why don't we bring that out? [''Crowd shouts and booes'']
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': [''To a random heckler''] How you doin', sugar? All right. I'm gonna call you later. Mwah. All right. [''Crowd laughs''] Take a look at this... [''Unveils a chart''] &quot;Blactino&quot;, &quot;Blackasian&quot;, &quot;Hispasian&quot;, okay? Now, for the Asian subcategories, [''to the &quot;Chinegro&quot; woman''] I got you, sister! We have &quot;Chinegro&quot; right here! That's you! &quot;Chinegro&quot;!
:'''Chinegro Woman''': That's not a word! That's not a word!
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, it is, sister. We have &quot;Koreagro&quot;. &quot;Japegro&quot;, okay?! [''Crowd laughs''] &quot;Chispanic, &quot;Koreaspanic&quot;, and last but not least, check this out, y'all... &quot;Japanic&quot;. [''Crowd cheers''] That's how I flow with it! 
:'''Jerry Springer''': Do you believe the government should recognize these racial subgroups?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Yes, Jerry, I do.

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': It's very simple. [[w:Department of Motor Vehicles|The DMV]] is the de facto conduit for all humanity, and every human being that we track down has a record in the DMV database. Whether it be LAPD, Social Services, the Credit Bureau, or the FBI, they all use the DMV's database as their hub. So, we have people on the inside who feed us the information.
:'''Ed''': And who would know it? The gatekeepers of humanity turn out to be a bunch of sassy black women.

----
:'''Ian Ziering''': Come on, Bri. We're late, we're late.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Dude, it's fucking Mapquest. I told you, never again with that piece of shit.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Upon first meeting Domino]'' Why would a delicate little thing like you wanna be a bounty hunter?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I wanna have a little fun.

----
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Hey, how about it? Want to ride some bounty hunter cock?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Fuck you, dickhead!
:'''Bounty Hunter Seminar Loser #1''': Ooh. Bitch!

----
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What background should someone have if they want to go into bounty hunting?
:'''Ed''': How does jail sound?

----
:'''Claremont Williams''': Why would you use Jerry Springer as a platform for some kind of progressive race modification proposal, anyway?
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': Well, I don't think Ted Koppel would book Lateesha Rodriguez!

----
:'''Choco''': [''Domino and a wounded Ed and Choco are trapped in an elevator plummeting to an almost certain death''] I love you.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Narrates''] I once swore never to invest too much emotion in anyone. [''In scene''] I love you. [''They kiss, then narrates, tearfully''] I love you, Choco.
:'''Ed''': [''Shouts''] It's a great day to die!

----
:'''Wanderer''': I know you. You're the angel of fire. Angel of fire. I know you. You burn bright enough to know there are certain sacrifices that need to be made. You see, if you don't give back the money, you all will die. And you will die contorted, and you will die unforgiven. You see, there's... there's this... this puzzle, and at the centre of this puzzle, there's a child, and this is a very sick child. [''Echoing''] A very sick child. But this child will be a great leader someday. Do you know the child I speak of?
:'''Domino Harvey''': Yes.
:'''Wanderer''': Well, you have only one destiny, and that destiny is... that you must offer your lives in exchange for the life of the child. Then, and only then, will you truly be cleansed in the blood of the lamb.

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to book us a hotel suite.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': What, with my money?
:'''Domino Harvey''': I want you to put it on your credit card.
:'''Brian Austin Green''': Are you serious? [''Domino glares at him''] Okay, okay, don't look at me that way!

----
:'''Domino Harvey''': What's his problem?
:'''Ed''': Latin petulance. Hold on. Give me a minute with him.

----
:'''Ed''': ['&quot;About Domino''] You and I walk down the street, what do people see? A couple of losers, right? We add her to the equation you know what people are gonna think?
:'''Choco''': What?
:'''Ed''': There goes two of the coolest motherfuckers who ever lived. Hmm?
:'''Choco''': You know what? I don't know about you, man, but I'm already a cool motherfucker, you know?

----
:'''Lateesha Rodriguez''': All right, y'all, Lateesha done... Lateesha done dug herself a deep hole, and, uh, she can't get out by herself. Can y'all dig what I'm saying?
:'''Raul''': Mija, we're in a hole together. We dig together. We're a team.

----
:'''College girl''': My friend Tina, she thought you were dead.
:'''Ian Ziering''': Oh, really? Well, tell your friend Tina... she's a whore.

----
:'''Bishop Goon #1''': You want me to shoot 'em in the kneecaps?
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Now, you listen to me. Hold on one second. Ask them politely where the money is. If they don't know, just tell them to start digging their own graves.

----
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': [''Answers phone''] Yeah. Hello?
:'''Zoo President''': Mr. Cigliutti? I'm calling from the Zeta Theta Theta house at Cal West LA.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': Yes, yes. What is it?
:'''Zoo President''': I'm sorry to be bothering you. It's a bit of an emergency.
:'''Anthony Cigliutti''': What?
:'''Zoo President''': Your sons have been kidnapped by these crazy game show hosts.

----
:'''Howie Stein''': Please, I just supply them with pussy!
:'''Lester Kincaid''': I just want to get people high, man!

----
:'''Taryn Miles''': Miss Harvey, my name is Taryn Mills. I'm a [[w:criminal psychologist|criminal psychologist]] working for [[w:FBI|the FBI]]. I'm here to ask you a few questions.
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Voiceover''] Here's the part where I'm supposed to get all defensive and say, &quot;Not until I speak with my attorney.&quot; [''In scene''] I'll tell you everything I know.

----
:'''Ed''': [''Watching the [[w:Manchurian Candidate|Manchurian Candidate]]''] Heh. I knew Frank.
:'''Edna Fender''': Who didn't?
:'''Ed''': Hey, Edna you know what, sweetheart? You got, like, seven minutes to open that goddamn freezer or I'm gonna flush that fucking arm down the toilet.
:'''Edna Fender''': Fucker!

----
:'''Sorority Girl''': [[w:Neoteny|What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy]]?
:'''Domino Harvey''': [''Off look''] [[w:Rhinoplasty|Have you had a nose job]]?
:'''Sorority Girl''': No. [''Domino starts punching her in the face with her falling to the floor with her holding her nose'']

----
:'''Kimmie''': [''Into microphone''] Just go in with batons and nun-chucks.
:'''Mark Heiss''': [''Into microphone''] Use nun-chucks. Nun-chucks are good.

----
:'''Drake Bishop''': [''To the Security technician''] Rewind, please.
:'''Burke Beckett''': [''Also to the technician''] Rewind the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Burke Beckett''': Freeze the tape.
:'''Drake Bishop''': Now, can you zoom in?
:'''Burke Beckett''': Zoom in, please.
:'''Drake Bishop''': You a fucking mockingbird? Shut the fuck up!
:'''Burke Beckett''': I just...

----
:'''Ed''': [''Choco walks into motel room with Ed watching an adult film''] Man, they never show [[w:cum shot|the cum shots]] in these shitbag motels. [''Choco destroys the TV''] Jesus Christ, Choco! I just got done paying 12.95 for this movie! I'm never gonna know how it ends!
:'''Choco''': Don't fuck with me, Ed.
:'''Ed'': Listen, Choco, don't go goddamn King Kong on me, okay? If you want to be alone... if you need me, I'll tell you what... I'll be in Domino's room. I'll be makin' up my own ending.
:'''Choco''': Shut up!
:'''Ed'': Come on, boy. I'm gonna whip your ass, and then I'm gonna whip your goddamn girlfriend's ass! [''Choco aims gun at him''] Do it! Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing? Over this?! Pull the fucking trigger! 
:'''Choco''': I will fucking pull it!

==Cast==
*[[w:Keira Knightley|Keira Knightley]] as Domino Harvey
*[[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] as Ed Moseby
*[[w:Edgar Ramírez|Edgar Ramírez]] as Choco 
*[[w:Rizz Abbasi|Rizwan Abbasi]] as Alf 
*[[w:Delroy Lindo|Delroy Lindo]] as Claremont Williams
*[[w:Mo'Nique|Mo'Nique]] as Lateesha Rodriguez
*[[w:Ian Ziering|Ian Ziering]] as Ian Ziering
*[[w:Brian Austin Green|Brian Austin Green]] as Brian Austin Green
*[[w:Joe Nunez|Joseph Nunez]] as Raul Chavez (as Joseph Nunez)
*[[w:Macy Gray|Macy Gray]] as Lashandra Davis
*[[w:Shondrella Avery|Shondrella Avery]] as Lashindra Davis
*[[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] as Drake Bishop
*[[w:Peter Jacobson|Peter Jacobson]] as Burke Beckett
*[[w:Kel O'Neill|Kel O'Neill]] as Frances
*[[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] as Taryn Mills
*[[w:Jacqueline Bisset|Jacqueline Bisset]] as Sophie Wynn
*[[w:Dale Dickey|Dale Dickey]] as Edna Fender
*[[w:Lew Temple|Lew Temple]] as Locus Fender
*[[w:Christopher Walken|Christopher Walken]] as Mark Heiss
*[[w:Mena Suvari|Mena Suvari]] as Kimmie
*[[w:Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer]] as Jerry Springer
*[[w:T.K. Carter|T.K. Carter]] as Lester Kincaid
*[[w:Charles Paraventi|Charles Paraventi]] as Howie Stein
*[[w:Frederick Koehler|Frederick Koehler]] as Chuckie 
*[[w:Tom Waits|Tom Waits]] as Wanderer
*[[w:Stanley Kamel|Stanley Kamel]] as Anthony Cigliutti

==Taglines==
* Based on a true story - sort of...
* Heads You Live... Tails You Die.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=0421054}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=domino|title=Domino}}

[[Category:2005 films]]
[[Category:2000s American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Films about bounty hunters]]
[[Category:Films about organized crime]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Theresa Makone</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="3244" sha1="2c0fdqyewf3k7unovnn3te6elle7o9y" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Theresa Makone|Theresa Makone]]''' (born October 6, 1952, at Highfield Clinic in [[Zimbabwe]]) previously served as the [[Minister]] of Public Works and is currently a Member of the House of [[Assembly]] for Harare North. Her father, Titus Chigariro, was a school teacher, and her mother was a housewife. As the eldest of ten children, she hails from the Domboshava district.

==Quotes==
* Until recently, many of us believed in the promise of a peaceful Zimbabwe, particularly following the President's assurances. We were convinced this election would be different. However, recent events have been a harsh reality check for all of us who were hopeful. It’s now apparent that the level of violence we may witness this time could be unlike anything we've seen before.
** [https://www.thezimbabwean.co/2013/03/hot-seat-interview-home-affairs/ Theresa Makone responds: &quot;What are your thoughts on the current state of security in the country?&quot;]

* Yes. By day, we speak of free and fair elections, but by night, it's about winning at any cost even if it means repeating or surpassing the violence of 2008.
** [https://www.thezimbabwean.co/2013/03/hot-seat-interview-home-affairs/ Theresa Makone responds: &quot;Are you referring to the death of 12-year-old Christpower Maisiri, who was reportedly killed in Headlands?&quot;]

*  The rank and file follow orders from the top, but just how high up does that go? Commissioner General Augustine Chihuri, when it comes to operations, reports directly to the President, while ministers only set policy. So between the two, it’s unclear who isn’t fulfilling their role. If I were the President, I would demand answers as to why these violent incidents keep happening without anyone being properly arrested or prosecuted.&quot;
** [https://www.thezimbabwean.co/2013/03/hot-seat-interview-home-affairs/ Theresa Makone responds: &quot;how serious is the situation within the police force?&quot;]

* I’m very aware of this issue. It was raised at a security meeting, where I specifically requested the secretariat to connect with Musasa Project, understand their challenges, and report back on possible support. Meanwhile, I also reached out to Musasa Project directly, encouraging them to coordinate with the police unit responsible for such cases to discuss measures for addressing and reducing these incidents.
** [https://www.thezimbabwean.co/2010/11/question-time-with-theresa-makone-part-2/ Theresa Makone responds: &quot;Over 8,000 underage girls in Zimbabwe are forced into marriages with older men in certain churches. As a female leader, are you aware, and what can you do to help?&quot;]

* I was in my office signing papers when I received an anonymous call warning me that I was going to be arrested today and advising me to leave the office immediately.
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-12863369 Theresa Makone speaks in a BBC interview]

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.pindula.co.zw/Theresa_Makone/ Biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Makoni, Theresa}}
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[[Category:Government ministers]]
[[Category:Politicians from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Labor leaders]]
[[Category:Women from Zimbabwe]]
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  <page>
    <title>Anna Ebaju Adeke</title>
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      <text bytes="2198" sha1="a73iu5kcuhgajhpnn4796122blc2cyi" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Adeke Anna Ebaju.jpg|thumb|Anna Ebaju Adeke]]
'''[[W:Anna Ebaju Adeke|Anna Ebaju Adeke]]''' (born 27 November 1991) is a [[Uganda]]n [[lawyer]] and [[politician]]. Currently she serves as the  [[w:Parliament of Uganda|Member of Parliament]] representing Women in [[w:Soroti District|Soroti District]] in the 11th Parliament (2021–2026). She previously served as the parliamentary representative of the National Female Youth Constituency in the 10th parliament (2016–2021). She serves as the Deputy President for [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] in Eastern Region.

== Quotes ==
*As the fountain of honour, I am by right allowed to please and displease as I wish- picks two billion and gives the tax man as thanksgiving for doing a job they are sufficiently paid to do
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*Women today face many threats in this country, but among the most insidiously pervasive are the human rights deprivations and disparities which arise from increasingly regressive taxation, let alone the deep cut in the chain of access to public services.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*We ought to stand up and challenge the explicit and implicit biases (which may skip the mind of those in the chair) against women embedded in tax policies and to demonstrate the urgency of moving to more just alternatives which fulfil women’s rights.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*this tax amendment is a monstrosity and there is only one thing to do with it, scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, buy it, and hope it never rises again to terrorise the people.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/] 

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Adeke, Anna Ebaju}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]</text>
      <sha1>a73iu5kcuhgajhpnn4796122blc2cyi</sha1>
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      <text bytes="2260" sha1="20jp8oi8thw08envkmkg9f6lnn3swgs" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Adeke Anna Ebaju.jpg|thumb|Anna Ebaju Adeke]]
'''[[W:Anna Ebaju Adeke|Anna Ebaju Adeke]]''' (born 27 November 1991) is a [[Uganda]]n [[lawyer]] and [[politician]]. Currently she serves as the  [[w:Parliament of Uganda|Member of Parliament]] representing Women in [[w:Soroti District|Soroti District]] in the 11th Parliament (2021–2026). She previously served as the parliamentary representative of the National Female Youth Constituency in the 10th parliament (2016–2021). She serves as the Deputy President for [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] in Eastern Region.

== Quotes ==
*As the fountain of honour, I am by right allowed to please and displease as I wish- picks two billion and gives the tax man as thanksgiving for doing a job they are sufficiently paid to do
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*Women today face many threats in this country, but among the most insidiously pervasive are the human rights deprivations and disparities which arise from increasingly regressive taxation, let alone the deep cut in the chain of access to public services.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*We ought to stand up and challenge the explicit and implicit biases (which may skip the mind of those in the chair) against women embedded in tax policies and to demonstrate the urgency of moving to more just alternatives which fulfil women’s rights.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/]
*this tax amendment is a monstrosity and there is only one thing to do with it, scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, buy it, and hope it never rises again to terrorise the people.
**[https://africanfeminism.com/women-and-tax-by-hon-adeke-anna-ebaju-national-female-youth-member-of-ugandan-parliament/] 

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Adeke, Anna Ebaju}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:1991 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1990s]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Alice Alaso</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="2050" sha1="pk41hh94rbgp461k5ebl59pr7f00k7l" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alaso, Alice.jpg|thumb|Alice Alaso]]
'''[[W:Alice Alaso|Alice Alaso]]''' (sometimes referred to as '''Alice Alaso Asianut''') (born 21 January 1969) is a Ugandan [[teacher]] and [[politician]] who was the Woman Representative for [[w:Serere District|Serere District]] in Uganda's eighth, ninth and tenth parliaments. She was politically affiliated with the [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] (FDC) and was the party's first Secretary General for ten years.

== Quotes ==
*Whether you are an activist, whether you insult, none of them have succeeded in changing this regime.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*Let us for the purposes of this discussion agree that we are diplomatic. That means there are defiant and very aggressive people out there
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*We need to look at our individual strengths as political parties and I can tell you that a number of us have not yet built that capacity. We are working on our structures.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*I don’t really believe in violence and ANT doesn’t believe in violence. We believe in activism and we also believe in defiance because they are provided for in the laws of this country
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*While we believe in activism and defiance, we first need to build our structure to support us when we go for such activities.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Alaso, Alice}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Womenborn in the 1990s]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2051" sha1="0qb17ezlrqdjji0jcyk0owsxq7ght9e" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Alaso, Alice.jpg|thumb|Alice Alaso]]
'''[[W:Alice Alaso|Alice Alaso]]''' (sometimes referred to as '''Alice Alaso Asianut''') (born 21 January 1969) is a Ugandan [[teacher]] and [[politician]] who was the Woman Representative for [[w:Serere District|Serere District]] in Uganda's eighth, ninth and tenth parliaments. She was politically affiliated with the [[w:Forum for Democratic Change|Forum for Democratic Change]] (FDC) and was the party's first Secretary General for ten years.

== Quotes ==
*Whether you are an activist, whether you insult, none of them have succeeded in changing this regime.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*Let us for the purposes of this discussion agree that we are diplomatic. That means there are defiant and very aggressive people out there
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*We need to look at our individual strengths as political parties and I can tell you that a number of us have not yet built that capacity. We are working on our structures.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*I don’t really believe in violence and ANT doesn’t believe in violence. We believe in activism and we also believe in defiance because they are provided for in the laws of this country
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]
*While we believe in activism and defiance, we first need to build our structure to support us when we go for such activities.
**[https://nilepost.co.ug/big-interview/173064/uganda-on-the-brink-of-political-anarchy-warns-ants-alice-alaso]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Alaso, Alice}}
[[Category:Politicians from Uganda]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1990s]]</text>
      <sha1>0qb17ezlrqdjji0jcyk0owsxq7ght9e</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>William Barton (writer)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="2260" sha1="kpsj2mkxqa1op2o1uqzrno7r7n3cd73" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:William Barton (writer)|William Renald Barton III ]]''' (born September 28, 1950) is an American science fiction writer.

== Quotes ==
=== ''When We Were Real'' (1999) ===
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the mass market paperback first edition published by Warner Books (Aspect), {{ISBN|0-446-60706-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Thinking about death’s a funny thing. Stupid. Like wondering where you were before you were born.
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* There’s always a moment of transition for you, that one moment when you turn from outsider to in, when you leave your past behind and suddenly mesh with the new life you’ve joined. 
** Chapter 3 (p. 64)

* Human society begins with what nature makes male and female mammals want from each other. 
** Chapter 3 (p. 69)

* Well, that happens in fairy tales, doesn’t it? In real life, when a manager fucks up and ruins a million working people’s lives, when he bungles so badly the company loses a decade’s profits, his Christmas bonus turns up a little short. That’s all. 
** Chapter 4 (p. 76)

* Risk meaningless death at the hands of a soulless corporate entity?&lt;br&gt;Hmmm. How much are they paying?
** Chapter 5 (p. 101)

* A woman’s laughter can charm a man out of his senses. 
** Chapter 7 (p. 170)

* Seduction’s so easy when its target has the same object in mind. 
** Chapter 8 (p. 186)

* War, they say, is just business conducted through other means. 
** Chapter 11 (p. 252)

* That’s all I remember, really. We fly around. I shoot the guns. The explosions are pretty. People die. What the hell are they fighting for? ''Freedom?'' What the hell is that?&lt;br&gt;You’re born out of nothing. You live for a while. You die. You go back to nothing.&lt;br&gt;What kind of fool dies for a word?&lt;br&gt;A better class of fool than the one who dies for a paycheck?&lt;br&gt;Don’t know.
** Chapter 12 (p. 262)

* Idle relics of the past. Things that let us imagine we’ve lived, when nothing else remains. 
** Chapter 14 (p. 332)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Barton, William}}
[[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Short story writers from the United States]]
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>kpsj2mkxqa1op2o1uqzrno7r7n3cd73</sha1>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:22:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:14BA:7891:3700:2DCA:BFF1:5476:2C15</ip>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="2292" sha1="0gxx6ew89j614bh8geh38v45yj3r3kt" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:William Barton (writer)|William Renald Barton III ]]''' (born September 28, 1950) is an American science fiction writer.

== Quotes ==
=== ''When We Were Real'' (1999) ===
:&lt;small&gt; All page numbers are from the mass market paperback first edition published by Warner Books (Aspect), {{ISBN|0-446-60706-1}} &lt;/small&gt;

* Thinking about death’s a funny thing. Stupid. Like wondering where you were before you were born.
** Chapter 1 (p. 17)

* There’s always a moment of transition for you, that one moment when you turn from outsider to in, when you leave your past behind and suddenly mesh with the new life you’ve joined. 
** Chapter 3 (p. 64)

* Human society begins with what nature makes male and female mammals want from each other. 
** Chapter 3 (p. 69)

* Well, that happens in fairy tales, doesn’t it? In real life, when a manager fucks up and ruins a million working people’s lives, when he bungles so badly the company loses a decade’s profits, his Christmas bonus turns up a little short. That’s all. 
** Chapter 4 (p. 76)

* Risk meaningless death at the hands of a soulless corporate entity?&lt;br&gt;Hmmm. How much are they paying?
** Chapter 5 (p. 101)

* A woman’s laughter can charm a man out of his senses. 
** Chapter 7 (p. 170)

* Seduction’s so easy when its target has the same object in mind. 
** Chapter 8 (p. 186)

* War, they say, is just business conducted through other means. 
** Chapter 11 (p. 252)

* That’s all I remember, really. We fly around. I shoot the guns. The explosions are pretty. People die. What the hell are they fighting for? ''Freedom?'' What the hell is that?&lt;br&gt;You’re born out of nothing. You live for a while. You die. You go back to nothing.&lt;br&gt;What kind of fool dies for a word?&lt;br&gt;A better class of fool than the one who dies for a paycheck?&lt;br&gt;Don’t know.
** Chapter 12 (p. 262)

* Idle relics of the past. Things that let us imagine we’ve lived, when nothing else remains. 
** Chapter 14 (p. 332)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Barton, William}}
[[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Short story writers from the United States]]
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Boston]]</text>
      <sha1>0gxx6ew89j614bh8geh38v45yj3r3kt</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Oscar Kiss Maerth</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="1615" sha1="99zpd25q49htafcj0xo8mqvw0ueyuus" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Oscar Kiss Maerth|Oscar Kiss Maerth]]''' (8 October 1914 – 26 August 1990) was a Hungarian-born entrepreneur, philosopher and writer. He studied the living habits of people living close to nature in Southeast Asia. In doing so, he pursued questions about the causes of emergence and development of human beings, their intelligence and behavior. Maerth rose to prominence in 1971 as the author of ''[[w:The Beginning Was the End|The Beginning was the End]]'', a book he wrote in 1967 in seclusion at the Tsin San Buddhist monastery in Guangdong Province, China. In this book, he advocated the thesis that humans descended from apes, which systematically consumed the brains of their fellow species for many thousands of years. As a result, their brain volume gradually increased. Ultimately, humans came into being through cannibalism. The thesis is widely considered [[w:Pseudoscience|pseudo-scientific]].

== Quotes ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Der Anfang war das Ende'' (1971); translated from the German by Judith Hayward, ''The Beginning was the End''  (1973)&lt;/small&gt;

* Man came into being through cannibalism—intelligence can be eaten.
** Epigraph

* No man can remember the hour of his birth. Not because he has forgotten it. He has never consciously experienced it. Birth is a passage to a new consciousness and in the course of it what has been known before sinks into the subconscious.
** 1. The Newcomer without a Memory

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Maerth, Oscar Kiss}}
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1990 deaths]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors]]
[[Category:Cannibalism]]</text>
      <sha1>99zpd25q49htafcj0xo8mqvw0ueyuus</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607092</id>
      <parentid>3607091</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:21:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:Non-fiction authors]]; added [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Hungary]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1628" sha1="sf1vazjq4o4qe3mu6yv1yzmo1y52fx2" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Oscar Kiss Maerth|Oscar Kiss Maerth]]''' (8 October 1914 – 26 August 1990) was a Hungarian-born entrepreneur, philosopher and writer. He studied the living habits of people living close to nature in Southeast Asia. In doing so, he pursued questions about the causes of emergence and development of human beings, their intelligence and behavior. Maerth rose to prominence in 1971 as the author of ''[[w:The Beginning Was the End|The Beginning was the End]]'', a book he wrote in 1967 in seclusion at the Tsin San Buddhist monastery in Guangdong Province, China. In this book, he advocated the thesis that humans descended from apes, which systematically consumed the brains of their fellow species for many thousands of years. As a result, their brain volume gradually increased. Ultimately, humans came into being through cannibalism. The thesis is widely considered [[w:Pseudoscience|pseudo-scientific]].

== Quotes ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Der Anfang war das Ende'' (1971); translated from the German by Judith Hayward, ''The Beginning was the End''  (1973)&lt;/small&gt;

* Man came into being through cannibalism—intelligence can be eaten.
** Epigraph

* No man can remember the hour of his birth. Not because he has forgotten it. He has never consciously experienced it. Birth is a passage to a new consciousness and in the course of it what has been known before sinks into the subconscious.
** 1. The Newcomer without a Memory

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Maerth, Oscar Kiss}}
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1990 deaths]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from Hungary]]
[[Category:Cannibalism]]</text>
      <sha1>sf1vazjq4o4qe3mu6yv1yzmo1y52fx2</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Nyota Ndogo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607094</id>
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      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="645" sha1="glwzpg0vvljfb3uyso294vl514ipp47" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nyota Ndogo|Nyota Ndogo]]''' (real name '''Mwanaisha Abdalla''', born c. 1981) is a musician from [[Kenya]] who performs [[w:taarab|taarab]]-influenced pop music.

{{musician-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  
* A will and a belief that I will make it. I saw what lay ahead and I made every effort to get there. I also used my haters and naysayers to constantly fuel myself..
** Responded to her rise to stardom [[https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/counties/article/2001397113/nyota-ndogo-shines-on-despite-negative-vibes The Standard Newspaper]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ndogo, Nyota}}
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>glwzpg0vvljfb3uyso294vl514ipp47</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607095</id>
      <parentid>3607094</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:24:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+[[Category:Musicians from Kenya]]; +[[Category:Women musicians]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607095</origin>
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      <text bytes="708" sha1="goi63u0qob224gd4ibk9q0zjvsqq9uu" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nyota Ndogo|Nyota Ndogo]]''' (real name '''Mwanaisha Abdalla''', born c. 1981) is a musician from [[Kenya]] who performs [[w:taarab|taarab]]-influenced pop music.

{{musician-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  
* A will and a belief that I will make it. I saw what lay ahead and I made every effort to get there. I also used my haters and naysayers to constantly fuel myself..
** Responded to her rise to stardom [[https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/counties/article/2001397113/nyota-ndogo-shines-on-despite-negative-vibes The Standard Newspaper]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ndogo, Nyota}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Musicians from Kenya]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]</text>
      <sha1>goi63u0qob224gd4ibk9q0zjvsqq9uu</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607522</id>
      <parentid>3607095</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:24:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added a Quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607522</origin>
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      <text bytes="755" sha1="jzzt8e1i9o28ekyzwbewko0z9ky31o7" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nyota Ndogo|Nyota Ndogo]]''' (real name '''Mwanaisha Abdalla''', born c. 1981) is a musician from [[Kenya]] who performs [[w:taarab|taarab]]-influenced pop music.

{{musician-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  
* A will and a belief that I will make it. I saw what lay ahead and I made every effort to get there. I also used my haters and naysayers to constantly fuel myself..
** Responded to her rise to stardom 
** “Woman is my song, but not my hand.”

[[https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/counties/article/2001397113/nyota-ndogo-shines-on-despite-negative-vibes The Standard Newspaper]]


== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ndogo, Nyota}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Musicians from Kenya]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]</text>
      <sha1>jzzt8e1i9o28ekyzwbewko0z9ky31o7</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Don Lincoln</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:29:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+[[Category:University of Notre Dame faculty]]; +[[Category:YouTubers]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="3199" sha1="fk3q7fhncsnvx6p6i3nz4zmzra697rm" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Don Lincoln}}''' (born 1964) is an American {{w|experimental physicist}}, {{w|science communicator}}, and author of popular books about physics. He is a Fellow of both the {{w|American Physical Society}} and the {{w|American Association for the Advancement of Science}}.

{{physicist-stub}}
==Quotes==
* Two well-regarded measurements for the expansion rate of the universe disagree, leaving cosmologists very puzzled. It may be that something large has been overlooked in our theory of the {{w|Big Bang}}. This discrepancy is called the {{w|Hubble tension}} and it has led to a very interesting conversation within the cosmology community.
** {{cite journal|doi=10.1119/1.5145465|volume =58|issue=4|date=April 2020|journal=The Physics Teacher|title=Is Modern Cosmology in Crisis?|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/58/4/234/674496/Is-Modern-Cosmology-in-Crisis?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* The history of {{w|particle physics}} can be considered nothing less than a huge triumph for [[science]]. Over the course of a little more than a century of effort, our understanding of the world of atomic and subatomic physics went from a vague understanding of atoms, to one that is much more detailed. Early in this hundred-year-long period, we learned about [[electron]]s (1897), then how they circle a dense nucleus (1911), followed by the discovery of the {{w|proton}}s (1917) and {{w|neutron}}s (1932) that form the nucleus. From the 1930s onward, researchers used both cosmic rays and particle accelerators to discover antimatter (1932), and particles that don’t exist in atoms (e.g., the {{w|muon}} [1936] and {{w|neutrino}} [1956], as well as a huge number of others).
* {{cite journal|journal=The Physics Teachwe|volume=59|issue=7|pages=521–524|date=October 2021|doi=10.1119/10.0006457|title=Particle accelerators and their triumphant history|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/59/7/521/364180/Particle-Accelerators-Their-Triumphant-History-and?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* One of the first scientific concepts taught to children is the idea that matter can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Indeed, if you were to ask most American adults how many {{w|phases of matter}} there are, the most likely answer you would get is three. It would not be unreasonable to consider this to be common knowledge.&lt;br&gt;Yet the scientifically savvy know of far more phases of matter than the familiar three. {{w|Plasma (physics)|Plasma}} is another, as is {{w|superfluid}}. And there are many more that exist at extreme temperatures or pressures. Change the conditions under which matter finds itself, and it will act in unexpected ways.
** {{cite journal|title=Quark/Gluon Plasma: When Protons Melt|journal=The Physics Teacher|volume=62|pages=550–554|date=October 2024|doi=10.1119/5.0235509|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article/62/7/550/3313860}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lincoln, Don}}
[[Category:Academics from the United States]]
[[Category:American science writers]]
[[Category:Physicists from the United States]]
[[Category:1964 births]]
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      <text bytes="3260" sha1="p4bu9bbybwim1mks1a8iuvm9qhobbgr" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Don Lincoln lecturing 2012-07.jpg|thumb|Don Lincoln]]
'''{{w|Don Lincoln}}''' (born 1964) is an American {{w|experimental physicist}}, {{w|science communicator}}, and author of popular books about physics. He is a Fellow of both the {{w|American Physical Society}} and the {{w|American Association for the Advancement of Science}}.

{{physicist-stub}}
==Quotes==
* Two well-regarded measurements for the expansion rate of the universe disagree, leaving cosmologists very puzzled. It may be that something large has been overlooked in our theory of the {{w|Big Bang}}. This discrepancy is called the {{w|Hubble tension}} and it has led to a very interesting conversation within the cosmology community.
** {{cite journal|doi=10.1119/1.5145465|volume =58|issue=4|date=April 2020|journal=The Physics Teacher|title=Is Modern Cosmology in Crisis?|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/58/4/234/674496/Is-Modern-Cosmology-in-Crisis?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* The history of {{w|particle physics}} can be considered nothing less than a huge triumph for [[science]]. Over the course of a little more than a century of effort, our understanding of the world of atomic and subatomic physics went from a vague understanding of atoms, to one that is much more detailed. Early in this hundred-year-long period, we learned about [[electron]]s (1897), then how they circle a dense nucleus (1911), followed by the discovery of the {{w|proton}}s (1917) and {{w|neutron}}s (1932) that form the nucleus. From the 1930s onward, researchers used both cosmic rays and particle accelerators to discover antimatter (1932), and particles that don’t exist in atoms (e.g., the {{w|muon}} [1936] and {{w|neutrino}} [1956], as well as a huge number of others).
* {{cite journal|journal=The Physics Teachwe|volume=59|issue=7|pages=521–524|date=October 2021|doi=10.1119/10.0006457|title=Particle accelerators and their triumphant history|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/59/7/521/364180/Particle-Accelerators-Their-Triumphant-History-and?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* One of the first scientific concepts taught to children is the idea that matter can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Indeed, if you were to ask most American adults how many {{w|phases of matter}} there are, the most likely answer you would get is three. It would not be unreasonable to consider this to be common knowledge.&lt;br&gt;Yet the scientifically savvy know of far more phases of matter than the familiar three. {{w|Plasma (physics)|Plasma}} is another, as is {{w|superfluid}}. And there are many more that exist at extreme temperatures or pressures. Change the conditions under which matter finds itself, and it will act in unexpected ways.
** {{cite journal|title=Quark/Gluon Plasma: When Protons Melt|journal=The Physics Teacher|volume=62|pages=550–554|date=October 2024|doi=10.1119/5.0235509|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article/62/7/550/3313860}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lincoln, Don}}
[[Category:Academics from the United States]]
[[Category:American science writers]]
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      <text bytes="3261" sha1="tm96an7tub44v0lfflc8z2l4j6qmz48" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Don Lincoln lecturing 2012-07.jpg|thumb|Don Lincoln]]
'''{{w|Don Lincoln}}''' (born 1964) is an American {{w|experimental physicist}}, {{w|science communicator}}, and author of popular books about physics. He is a Fellow of both the {{w|American Physical Society}} and the {{w|American Association for the Advancement of Science}}.

{{physicist-stub}}
==Quotes==
* Two well-regarded measurements for the expansion rate of the universe disagree, leaving cosmologists very puzzled. It may be that something large has been overlooked in our theory of the {{w|Big Bang}}. This discrepancy is called the {{w|Hubble tension}} and it has led to a very interesting conversation within the cosmology community.
** {{cite journal|doi=10.1119/1.5145465|volume =58|issue=4|date=April 2020|journal=The Physics Teacher|title=Is Modern Cosmology in Crisis?|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/58/4/234/674496/Is-Modern-Cosmology-in-Crisis?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* The history of {{w|particle physics}} can be considered nothing less than a huge triumph for [[science]]. Over the course of a little more than a century of effort, our understanding of the world of atomic and subatomic physics went from a vague understanding of atoms, to one that is much more detailed. Early in this hundred-year-long period, we learned about [[electron]]s (1897), then how they circle a dense nucleus (1911), followed by the discovery of the {{w|proton}}s (1917) and {{w|neutron}}s (1932) that form the nucleus. From the 1930s onward, researchers used both cosmic rays and particle accelerators to discover antimatter (1932), and particles that don’t exist in atoms (e.g., the {{w|muon}} [1936] and {{w|neutrino}} [1956], as well as a huge number of others).
** {{cite journal|journal=The Physics Teachwe|volume=59|issue=7|pages=521–524|date=October 2021|doi=10.1119/10.0006457|title=Particle accelerators and their triumphant history|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article-abstract/59/7/521/364180/Particle-Accelerators-Their-Triumphant-History-and?redirectedFrom=fulltext}}

* One of the first scientific concepts taught to children is the idea that matter can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Indeed, if you were to ask most American adults how many {{w|phases of matter}} there are, the most likely answer you would get is three. It would not be unreasonable to consider this to be common knowledge.&lt;br&gt;Yet the scientifically savvy know of far more phases of matter than the familiar three. {{w|Plasma (physics)|Plasma}} is another, as is {{w|superfluid}}. And there are many more that exist at extreme temperatures or pressures. Change the conditions under which matter finds itself, and it will act in unexpected ways.
** {{cite journal|title=Quark/Gluon Plasma: When Protons Melt|journal=The Physics Teacher|volume=62|pages=550–554|date=October 2024|doi=10.1119/5.0235509|url=https://pubs.aip.org/aapt/pte/article/62/7/550/3313860}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}

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    <title>Nocwaka Lamani</title>
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      <text bytes="2264" sha1="33bk6m11ecaaj7ri8zv210k2yco0j0a" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Nocwaka Lamani|Nocwaka Lamani]]''' (née Vantyi; 19 April 1931 – 17 November 2021) was a South African politician and activist. She represented the African National Congress (ANC) in the National Council of Provinces from 1994 to 1999 and in the National Assembly from 2001 to 2004. During apartheid, she was a prominent community activist in Port Elizabeth.

== Quotes ==
*Some women in the ANC had wanted the quota beefed up to one in two candidates. They failed in their bid, but it remains the only party with a quota of seats reserved for women
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Whenever female members stood up, they were clearly not interested. They [male MPs] started talking on their own.”
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*a measured and God-fearing woman not usually given to such outbursts
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*The gender quota is not up for debate in the ruling party and their gains have given a fillip to women in more conservative parties. 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Many women say that if Parliament – the legislative arm of government – is to be the locale of power and not the executive, then women must be better trained. Many women MPs had not seen draft statutes and, having come from the trenches, were not au fait with parliamentary proceedings.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*If it weren’t for the ANC ladies and the pressure they put on the government, females would have been much worse off.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*MPs need a legal desk to explain legislation to them. When the department briefs you, you have no way of understanding. You’re not debating with effective input,” 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Women have brought a different culture to Parliament. It’s less of a beer-swilling, let’s sort things out in the bar kind of place.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}


[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politician]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2466" sha1="mulm7ax7muuj4jcfmwfnwyein2ysu76" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Nocwaka Lamani|Nocwaka Emsie Lamani]]''' (19 April 1931 – 17 November 2021) was a South African politician and activist. She represented the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC) in the [[w:National Council of Provinces|National Council of Provinces]] from 1994 to 1999 and in the [[w:National Assembly of South Africa|National Assembly]] from 2001 to 2004. During [[apartheid]], she was a prominent community activist in [[w:Port Elizabeth|Port Elizabeth]].

== Quotes ==
*Some women in the ANC had wanted the quota beefed up to one in two candidates. They failed in their bid, but it remains the only party with a quota of seats reserved for women
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Whenever female members stood up, they were clearly not interested. They [male MPs] started talking on their own.”
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*A measured and God-fearing woman not usually given to such outbursts
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*The gender quota is not up for debate in the ruling party and their gains have given a fillip to women in more conservative parties. 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Many women say that if Parliament – the legislative arm of government – is to be the locale of power and not the executive, then women must be better trained. Many women MPs had not seen draft statutes and, having come from the trenches, were not au fait with parliamentary proceedings.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*If it weren’t for the ANC ladies and the pressure they put on the government, females would have been much worse off.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*MPs need a legal desk to explain legislation to them. When the department briefs you, you have no way of understanding. You’re not debating with effective input,” 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Women have brought a different culture to Parliament. It’s less of a beer-swilling, let’s sort things out in the bar kind of place.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lamani, Nocwaka}}
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      <text bytes="2583" sha1="h6keminkozti192yxgkopnwsaihffwk" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Nocwaka Lamani|Nocwaka Emsie Lamani]]''' (19 April 1931 – 17 November 2021) was a South African politician and activist. She represented the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC) in the [[w:National Council of Provinces|National Council of Provinces]] from 1994 to 1999 and in the [[w:National Assembly of South Africa|National Assembly]] from 2001 to 2004. During [[apartheid]], she was a prominent community activist in [[w:Port Elizabeth|Port Elizabeth]].

== Quotes ==
*Some women in the ANC had wanted the quota beefed up to one in two candidates. They failed in their bid, but it remains the only party with a quota of seats reserved for women
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Whenever female members stood up, they were clearly not interested. They [male MPs] started talking on their own.”
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*A measured and God-fearing woman not usually given to such outbursts
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*The gender quota is not up for debate in the ruling party and their gains have given a fillip to women in more conservative parties. 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Many women say that if Parliament – the legislative arm of government – is to be the locale of power and not the executive, then women must be better trained. Many women MPs had not seen draft statutes and, having come from the trenches, were not au fait with parliamentary proceedings.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*If it weren’t for the ANC ladies and the pressure they put on the government, females would have been much worse off.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*MPs need a legal desk to explain legislation to them. When the department briefs you, you have no way of understanding. You’re not debating with effective input,” 
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]
*Women have brought a different culture to Parliament. It’s less of a beer-swilling, let’s sort things out in the bar kind of place.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/1999-02-19-wholl-cook-for-the-women-mps/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lamani, Nocwaka}}
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  <page>
    <title>Sekai Holland</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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[[File:Sekai Holland.jpg|thumb|Sekai Holland]]
[[W:Sekai Holland|Sekai Holland]] (born 1942) is a former Zimbabwean politician who held the position of Minister of State for National Healing, Reconciliation, and Integration under President Robert Mugabe and Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai. She has actively campaigned on various human rights issues, including those concerning Aboriginal Australians, apartheid in South Africa, and women's rights and democracy in Zimbabwe.

==Quotes==


* Waking up from a nightmare that felt endless
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]

* Many of us are still in disbelief that Mr. Mugabe actually resigned; it’s a relief, especially for us older folks.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]


* Mr. Mugabe’s resignation showcased the African approach to achieving reconciliation.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]


* Mugabe was not disrespected; he is still alive. We aren’t targeting his wife either we’re not sure what’s happening with that situation.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]


* We understand there will be processes to reach a fair outcome for everyone, and we need to learn from that.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]


* The question now is whether the inter-generational correction will finally happen, as the military mentioned the generational conflict that has hindered Zimbabwe’s progress.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/sekai-holland-mugabes-resignation-looking-forward-future-based-reconciliation/]


* This award is a wonderful surprise and incredibly encouraging. I accept it on behalf of the courageous women I've worked alongside for so many years, as well as my colleagues in the Organ for National Healing, Reconciliation, and Integration. I also want to acknowledge the long-standing support and friendship from Australian Aboriginal advocates for human rights and peace with justice.
* [https://sydneypeacefoundation.org.au/peace-prize-recipients/2012-sekai-holland/]


* I believe we all need to pause, take a deep breath, and truly understand world history. If we keep pursuing &quot;an eye for an eye,&quot; eventually, we all end up blind.


* You don’t think, &quot;I’m doing this for the greater good.&quot; No you focus on the outcome you want to achieve, without dwelling on the past. If you did, it would be hard to stay focused and reach your goal.
* [https://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/zimbabwes-sekai-holland-shares-vision-for-peace/atadupkn7]


== External Links==
[https://www.pindula.co.zw/Sekai_Holland/ Biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Holland, Sekai}}
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    <title>George Robertson (sailor)</title>
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      <text bytes="918" sha1="1bcuhmx4oyhrpcyhtjabw737e5u50jh" xml:space="preserve">Captain '''[[wikidata:Q76159454|George Robertson]]''' (died 1791) was an English sailor known for accompanying the ''[[w:HMS Dolphin (1751)|Dolphin]]'' on her second circumnavigation of the globe (1766–8) and writing an account of the voyage.

== Quotes ==

* All the sailors swore that they never saw handsomer made women in their lives, and declared they would all to a man live on two thirds allowance rather than lose so fine an opportunity of getting a girl apiece.
** On Captain [[Samuel Wallis]]' visit to [[Tahiti]], 1767
** ''The Discovery of Tahiti: A Journal of the Second Voyage of H. M. S. Dolphin Round the World, Under the Command of Captain Wallis, R.N., in the Years 1766, 1767 and 1768'', Hakluyt Society, vol. 98 (London, 1948), p. 167

== External links ==
* {{Wikidata-inline|Q76159454}}

[[Category:1791 births]]
[[Category:Travel writers]]
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      <text bytes="918" sha1="p0e0rxoot2ku5x7qm0jnh79tfn3ie3h" xml:space="preserve">Captain '''[[wikidata:Q76159454|George Robertson]]''' (died 1791) was an English sailor known for accompanying the ''[[w:HMS Dolphin (1751)|Dolphin]]'' on her second circumnavigation of the globe (1766–8) and writing an account of the voyage.

== Quotes ==

* All the sailors swore that they never saw handsomer made women in their lives, and declared they would all to a man live on two thirds allowance rather than lose so fine an opportunity of getting a girl apiece.
** On Captain [[Samuel Wallis]]' visit to [[Tahiti]], 1767
** ''The Discovery of Tahiti: A Journal of the Second Voyage of H. M. S. Dolphin Round the World, Under the Command of Captain Wallis, R.N., in the Years 1766, 1767 and 1768'', Hakluyt Society, vol. 98 (London, 1948), p. 167

== External links ==
* {{Wikidata-inline|Q76159454}}

[[Category:1791 deaths]]
[[Category:Travel writers]]
[[Category:People from England]]
[[Category:Sailors]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="1893" sha1="272mnp6f8fapnh7m0wnvls5b3vzcfan" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi|Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi]]''' (born 1976 or 1977) is a South African politician who represented the Inkatha Freedom Party (IFP) in the National Assembly from 2007 to 2012. She was also the leader of the IFP Youth Brigade. She resigned from the National Assembly in May 2012 and subsequently announced that she had joined the African National Congress (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*There are many first-time and dejected voters that we want to persuade to vote for our party.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*we are expected to come out with a blueprint to help our party win the local government elections”.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*The conference will not only focus on electing leaders, but will also deliberate our role in the coming local government elections.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*the ANC wishes to caution against any statements or actions that may inflame emotions or undermine the principled position the organisation has taken
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*He must also recognise that his role as leader of one of the largest youth movements in South Africa comes with very large responsibilities and that his behaviour at all times should reflect that of a leader and not of a thug.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*The ANC should also be blamed because its youth league president is not yet groomed from secondary school level politics to tertiary level politics. He is being thrown into the deep end
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]

== External ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Women from Uganda]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politician]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1899" sha1="987qmsbwp7qvgka6rdwdkt8uciga5uz" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi|Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi]]''' (born 1976 or 1977) is a South African politician who represented the Inkatha Freedom Party (IFP) in the National Assembly from 2007 to 2012. She was also the leader of the IFP Youth Brigade. She resigned from the National Assembly in May 2012 and subsequently announced that she had joined the African National Congress (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*There are many first-time and dejected voters that we want to persuade to vote for our party.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*we are expected to come out with a blueprint to help our party win the local government elections”.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*The conference will not only focus on electing leaders, but will also deliberate our role in the coming local government elections.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*the ANC wishes to caution against any statements or actions that may inflame emotions or undermine the principled position the organisation has taken
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*He must also recognise that his role as leader of one of the largest youth movements in South Africa comes with very large responsibilities and that his behaviour at all times should reflect that of a leader and not of a thug.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*The ANC should also be blamed because its youth league president is not yet groomed from secondary school level politics to tertiary level politics. He is being thrown into the deep end
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]

== External ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politician]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2096" sha1="b2aluf5wa1o78e5pdpwurc8fvfdy7kw" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Pat Lebenya-Ntanzi|Seeng Patricia Lebenya-Ntanzi]]''' (born 1976 or 1977) is a South African politician who represented the [[w:Inkatha Freedom Party|Inkatha Freedom Party]] (IFP) in the [[w:National Assembly of South Africa|National Assembly]] from 2007 to 2012. She was also the leader of the IFP Youth Brigade. She resigned from the National Assembly in May 2012 and subsequently announced that she had joined the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*There are many first-time and dejected voters that we want to persuade to vote for our party.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*we are expected to come out with a blueprint to help our party win the local government elections”.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*The conference will not only focus on electing leaders, but will also deliberate our role in the coming local government elections.
**[https://witness.co.za/archive/2011/03/11/ifp-youth-to-elect-leader-20150430/]
*the ANC wishes to caution against any statements or actions that may inflame emotions or undermine the principled position the organisation has taken
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*He must also recognise that his role as leader of one of the largest youth movements in South Africa comes with very large responsibilities and that his behaviour at all times should reflect that of a leader and not of a thug.
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]
*The ANC should also be blamed because its youth league president is not yet groomed from secondary school level politics to tertiary level politics. He is being thrown into the deep end
**[https://mg.co.za/article/2008-06-17-kill-for-zuma-i-can-explain-says-malema/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lebenya-Ntanzi, Pat}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Philibert Commerson</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''Philibert Commerson''' (sometimes spelled '''Commerçon''' by contemporaries; 18 November 1727 – 14 March 1773) was a French naturalist, best known for accompanying [[Louis Antoine de Bougainville]] on his circumnavigation of the globe, 1766–1769. The standard author abbreviation Comm. is used to indicate him as the author when citing a botanical name.  == Quotes ==  * Born under the most beautiful of skies, fed on the fruits of a land that is fertile and requires...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="1146" sha1="1zffiiv74kzc861t8wl2v2d54r73k9s" xml:space="preserve">'''Philibert Commerson''' (sometimes spelled '''Commerçon''' by contemporaries; 18 November 1727 – 14 March 1773) was a French naturalist, best known for accompanying [[Louis Antoine de Bougainville]] on his circumnavigation of the globe, 1766–1769. The standard author abbreviation Comm. is used to indicate him as the author when citing a botanical name.

== Quotes ==

* Born under the most beautiful of skies, fed on the fruits of a land that is fertile and requires no cultivation ... [the [[Tahiti]]ans] know no other Gods but love. Every day is dedicated to it. The entire island is its temple, every woman its altar, every man its priest. And what sort of women? you will ask. The rivals of Georgians in beauty, and the sisters of the utterly naked Graces. There, neither shame nor modesty exercise their tyranny ...
** Reported in Diana Preston, ''Paradise in Chains: The Bounty Mutiny and the Founding of Australia'' (New York: Bloomsbury, 2017), p. 8

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1727 births]]
[[Category:1773 deaths]]
[[Category:Scientists from France]]
[[Category:Naturalists]]
[[Category:Botanists]]</text>
      <sha1>1zffiiv74kzc861t8wl2v2d54r73k9s</sha1>
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      <text bytes="1144" sha1="rk1paknzu7py5hjgx9ty0q94r86oouv" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Philibert Commerson|Philibert Commerson]]''' (sometimes spelled '''Commerçon''' by contemporaries; 18 November 1727 – 14 March 1773) was a French [[w:natural history|naturalist]], best known for accompanying [[w:Louis Antoine de Bougainville|Louis Antoine de Bougainville]] on his voyage of [[w:circumnavigation|circumnavigation]] in 1766&amp;ndash;1769.

== Quotes ==
* Born under the most beautiful of skies, fed on the fruits of a land that is fertile and requires no cultivation ... [the [[Tahiti]]ans] know no other Gods but love. Every day is dedicated to it. The entire island is its temple, every woman its altar, every man its priest. And what sort of women? you will ask. The rivals of Georgians in beauty, and the sisters of the utterly naked Graces. There, neither shame nor modesty exercise their tyranny ...
** Reported in Diana Preston, ''Paradise in Chains: The Bounty Mutiny and the Founding of Australia'' (New York: Bloomsbury, 2017), p. 8

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1727 births]]
[[Category:1773 deaths]]
[[Category:Scientists from France]]
[[Category:Naturalists]]
[[Category:Botanists]]</text>
      <sha1>rk1paknzu7py5hjgx9ty0q94r86oouv</sha1>
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    <revision>
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      <comment>added [[Category:Explorers from France]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1179" sha1="out2bmg4gf400md6c1fg128gdr6v01l" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Philibert Commerson|Philibert Commerson]]''' (sometimes spelled '''Commerçon''' by contemporaries; 18 November 1727 – 14 March 1773) was a French [[w:natural history|naturalist]], best known for accompanying [[w:Louis Antoine de Bougainville|Louis Antoine de Bougainville]] on his voyage of [[w:circumnavigation|circumnavigation]] in 1766&amp;ndash;1769.

== Quotes ==
* Born under the most beautiful of skies, fed on the fruits of a land that is fertile and requires no cultivation ... [the [[Tahiti]]ans] know no other Gods but love. Every day is dedicated to it. The entire island is its temple, every woman its altar, every man its priest. And what sort of women? you will ask. The rivals of Georgians in beauty, and the sisters of the utterly naked Graces. There, neither shame nor modesty exercise their tyranny ...
** Reported in Diana Preston, ''Paradise in Chains: The Bounty Mutiny and the Founding of Australia'' (New York: Bloomsbury, 2017), p. 8

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1727 births]]
[[Category:1773 deaths]]
[[Category:Scientists from France]]
[[Category:Naturalists]]
[[Category:Botanists]]
[[Category:Explorers from France]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:39:30Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="1267" sha1="qv9wn1nr6068k3y9374na52uo9go9pu" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Commerson Philibert 1727-1773.png|thumb|Philibert Commerson]]
'''[[w:Philibert Commerson|Philibert Commerson]]''' (sometimes spelled '''Commerçon''' by contemporaries; 18 November 1727 – 14 March 1773) was a French [[w:natural history|naturalist]], best known for accompanying [[w:Louis Antoine de Bougainville|Louis Antoine de Bougainville]] on his voyage of [[w:circumnavigation|circumnavigation]] in 1766&amp;ndash;1769.

{{scientist-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* Born under the most beautiful of skies, fed on the fruits of a land that is fertile and requires no cultivation ... [the [[Tahiti]]ans] know no other Gods but love. Every day is dedicated to it. The entire island is its temple, every woman its altar, every man its priest. And what sort of women? you will ask. The rivals of Georgians in beauty, and the sisters of the utterly naked Graces. There, neither shame nor modesty exercise their tyranny ...
** Reported in Diana Preston, ''Paradise in Chains: The Bounty Mutiny and the Founding of Australia'' (New York: Bloomsbury, 2017), p. 8

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1727 births]]
[[Category:1773 deaths]]
[[Category:Scientists from France]]
[[Category:Naturalists]]
[[Category:Botanists]]
[[Category:Explorers from France]]</text>
      <sha1>qv9wn1nr6068k3y9374na52uo9go9pu</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Elmarie Linde</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="3220" sha1="etif2eeg0h93m53cugda2j2uwbk0vuo" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Elmarie Linde|Elmarie Linde]]''' (born 9 January 1971) is a South African politician and a Member of Parliament (MP) for the Democratic Alliance (DA).She was elected to the National Assembly of South Africa in the 2024 South African general election, where she was 61st on the national party list.

== Quotes ==
*A public representative has responsibilities towards the party he/she represents and governance responsibilities pertaining to the sphere of government in which he/she serves.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* I believe in making an impact by doing effective oversight and listening to what people want. To my advantage is the fact that I have worked on the ground for 20 years (being in government and as opposition) in different communities, and I understand the needs and challenges that South Africans face daily.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* On the other hand, many people feel the government is appointed to make the right decisions to better the lives of all, and some think their input will not be considered.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*the government should embark on effective public educational programs in schools and tertiary institutions, educating people about how Parliament works, the importance of participation, and how they can engage with their representatives and hold them accountable.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*People need to make their voices heard and take part in public participation processes, as this helps the government make decisions and introduce legislation that works for all.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*public representatives need to be more involved to attract their constituencies to attend the programmes and government needs to make better efforts to communicate these programs widely, well ahead of time.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* I believe every person, no matter his/her background, culture, or skin colour, has something to offer. We must embrace this to our advantage, and the government has the responsibility to provide ample opportunity for all residents to be included in making our country the best place to live, work, and play.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*Christian principles guide my personal values and daily decisions and actions, and I strive to live a life that reflects my commitment to God’s will. I am passionate about living out my Christian faith in practical ways, such as helping others and advocating for social justice and ethical practices.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*We will make mistakes; a wheel might flatten or even fall off, but we are resilient. We can put those wheels back on and continue our journey to build a South Africa that works for all of us.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*Remember, everything we do now is for the next generation. We need to leave a legacy that they can be proud of.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politician]]</text>
      <sha1>etif2eeg0h93m53cugda2j2uwbk0vuo</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607120</id>
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      <text bytes="3542" sha1="cfmdi09tfm7a5p1rcpe979nxnibk05g" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Elmarie Linde|Elmarie Linde]]''' (born 9 January 1971) is a [[w:South African people|South African]] politician and a Member of [[w:Parliament of South Africa|Parliament]] (MP) for the [[w:Democratic Alliance (South Africa)|Democratic Alliance]] (DA). She was elected to the [[w:National Assembly of South Africa|National Assembly of South Africa]] in the [[w:2024 South African general election|2024 South African general election]], where she was 61st on the national party list.

== Quotes ==
*A public representative has responsibilities towards the party he/she represents and governance responsibilities pertaining to the sphere of government in which he/she serves.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* I believe in making an impact by doing effective oversight and listening to what people want. To my advantage is the fact that I have worked on the ground for 20 years (being in government and as opposition) in different communities, and I understand the needs and challenges that South Africans face daily.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* On the other hand, many people feel the government is appointed to make the right decisions to better the lives of all, and some think their input will not be considered.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*the government should embark on effective public educational programs in schools and tertiary institutions, educating people about how Parliament works, the importance of participation, and how they can engage with their representatives and hold them accountable.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*People need to make their voices heard and take part in public participation processes, as this helps the government make decisions and introduce legislation that works for all.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*public representatives need to be more involved to attract their constituencies to attend the programmes and government needs to make better efforts to communicate these programs widely, well ahead of time.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
* I believe every person, no matter his/her background, culture, or skin colour, has something to offer. We must embrace this to our advantage, and the government has the responsibility to provide ample opportunity for all residents to be included in making our country the best place to live, work, and play.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*Christian principles guide my personal values and daily decisions and actions, and I strive to live a life that reflects my commitment to God’s will. I am passionate about living out my Christian faith in practical ways, such as helping others and advocating for social justice and ethical practices.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*We will make mistakes; a wheel might flatten or even fall off, but we are resilient. We can put those wheels back on and continue our journey to build a South Africa that works for all of us.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]
*Remember, everything we do now is for the next generation. We need to leave a legacy that they can be proud of.
**[https://www.pa.org.za/blog/get-know-elmarie-linde]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Linde, Elmarie}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:1971 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>William Bligh</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:WilliamBligh.jpeg|thumb|]] Vice-Admiral '''[[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]''' FRS (9 September 1754 – 7 December 1817) was a British officer in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] and a colonial administrator. He is best known for the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|mutiny on HMS ''Bounty'']], which occurred in 1789 when the ship was under his command. The reasons behind the mutiny continue to be debated. After being set adrift in ''Bounty''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s launch by...&quot;</comment>
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Vice-Admiral '''[[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]''' FRS (9 September 1754 – 7 December 1817) was a British officer in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] and a colonial administrator. He is best known for the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|mutiny on HMS ''Bounty'']], which occurred in 1789 when the ship was under his command. The reasons behind the mutiny continue to be debated. After being set adrift in ''Bounty''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s launch by the mutineers, Bligh and those loyal to him stopped for supplies on Tofua, losing a man to natives. Bligh and his men reached [[Timor]] alive, after a journey of 3,618 nautical miles (6,700 km; 4,160 mi).

On 13 August 1806, Bligh was appointed [[w:Governor of New South Wales|Governor of New South Wales]] in Australia, with orders to clean up the corrupt rum trade of the New South Wales Corps. His actions directed against the trade resulted in the so-called [[w:Rum Rebellion|Rum Rebellion]], during which Bligh was placed under arrest on 26 January 1808 by the New South Wales Corps and deposed from his command, an act which the British Foreign Office later declared to be illegal. He died in London on 7 December 1817.

== Quotes ==

* &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Tahiti]] is] certainly the paradise of the world and if happiness could result from situation and convenience, here it is to be found in the highest perfection. I have seen many parts of the world, but Tahiti is capable of being preferable to them all, and certainly is so considering it in its natural state.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (1 November 1788), p. 194

* I can only conjecture that [the Mutineers] have ideally assured themselves of a more happy life among the Tahitians than they could possibly have in England, which joined to some female connection, has most likely been the leading cause of the whole business.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (28 April 1789), p. 356

* I find that two months after I left Tahiti in the ‘Bounty’, Christian returned in her to the great astonishment of the natives. Doubting that things had gone well with me the first questions they asked were: ‘Where is Bry?’ ‘He is gone,’ he replied, ‘to England’. ‘In what ship?’ asked the natives. ‘In Toote’s ship.’
** Logbook of HMS ''Providence'' (9 April 1792)
** Reported in Ida Lee, ''Captain Bligh’s Second Voyage to the South Sea'' (London: Longman’s, Green and Co., 1920), p. 43

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1754 births]]
[[Category:1817 deaths]]
[[Category:Military leaders from England]]</text>
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Vice-Admiral '''[[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]''' FRS (9 September 1754 – 7 December 1817) was a British officer in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] and a colonial administrator. He is best known for the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|mutiny on HMS ''Bounty'']], which occurred in 1789 when the ship was under his command. The reasons behind the mutiny continue to be debated. After being set adrift in ''Bounty''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s launch by the mutineers, Bligh and those loyal to him stopped for supplies on [[w:Tofua|Tofua]], losing a man to natives. Bligh and his men reached [[w:Timor|Timor]] alive, after a journey of 3,618 nautical miles (6,700 km; 4,160 mi).

On 13 August 1806, Bligh was appointed [[w:Governor of New South Wales|Governor of New South Wales]] in Australia, with orders to clean up the corrupt rum trade of the New South Wales Corps. His actions directed against the trade resulted in the so-called [[w:Rum Rebellion|Rum Rebellion]], during which Bligh was placed under arrest on 26 January 1808 by the New South Wales Corps and deposed from his command, an act which the British Foreign Office later declared to be illegal. He died in London on 7 December 1817.

== Quotes ==

* &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Tahiti]] is] certainly the paradise of the world and if happiness could result from situation and convenience, here it is to be found in the highest perfection. I have seen many parts of the world, but Tahiti is capable of being preferable to them all, and certainly is so considering it in its natural state.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (1 November 1788), p. 194

* I can only conjecture that [the Mutineers] have ideally assured themselves of a more happy life among the Tahitians than they could possibly have in England, which joined to some female connection, has most likely been the leading cause of the whole business.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (28 April 1789), p. 356

* I find that two months after I left Tahiti in the ‘Bounty’, Christian returned in her to the great astonishment of the natives. Doubting that things had gone well with me the first questions they asked were: ‘Where is Bry?’ ‘He is gone,’ he replied, ‘to England’. ‘In what ship?’ asked the natives. ‘In Toote’s ship.’
** Logbook of HMS ''Providence'' (9 April 1792)
** Reported in Ida Lee, ''Captain Bligh’s Second Voyage to the South Sea'' (London: Longman’s, Green and Co., 1920), p. 43

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1754 births]]
[[Category:1817 deaths]]
[[Category:Military leaders from England]]</text>
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Vice-Admiral '''[[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]''' FRS (9 September 1754 – 7 December 1817) was a British officer in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] and a colonial administrator. He is best known for the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|mutiny on HMS ''Bounty'']], which occurred in 1789 when the ship was under his command. The reasons behind the mutiny continue to be debated. After being set adrift in ''Bounty''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s launch by the mutineers, Bligh and those loyal to him stopped for supplies on [[w:Tofua|Tofua]], losing a man to natives. Bligh and his men reached [[w:Timor|Timor]] alive, after a journey of 3,618 nautical miles (6,700 km; 4,160 mi).

On 13 August 1806, Bligh was appointed [[w:Governor of New South Wales|Governor of New South Wales]] in Australia, with orders to clean up the corrupt rum trade of the New South Wales Corps. His actions directed against the trade resulted in the so-called [[w:Rum Rebellion|Rum Rebellion]], during which Bligh was placed under arrest on 26 January 1808 by the New South Wales Corps and deposed from his command, an act which the British Foreign Office later declared to be illegal. He died in London on 7 December 1817.

== Quotes ==

* &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Tahiti]] is] certainly the paradise of the world and if happiness could result from situation and convenience, here it is to be found in the highest perfection. I have seen many parts of the world, but Tahiti is capable of being preferable to them all, and certainly is so considering it in its natural state.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (1 November 1788), p. 194

* I can only conjecture that [the Mutineers] have ideally assured themselves of a more happy life among the Tahitians than they could possibly have in England, which joined to some female connection, has most likely been the leading cause of the whole business.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (28 April 1789), p. 356
** Reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Mutiny on the Bounty'' (Hachette Australia, 2018), epigraphs to chs. 4 and 8 

* I find that two months after I left Tahiti in the ‘Bounty’, Christian returned in her to the great astonishment of the natives. Doubting that things had gone well with me the first questions they asked were: ‘Where is Bry?’ ‘He is gone,’ he replied, ‘to England’. ‘In what ship?’ asked the natives. ‘In Toote’s ship.’
** Logbook of HMS ''Providence'' (9 April 1792)
** Reported in Ida Lee, ''Captain Bligh’s Second Voyage to the South Sea'' (London: Longman’s, Green and Co., 1920), p. 43

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1754 births]]
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      <text bytes="2747" sha1="ayp39rt79mqp7izclcx50j5iimnjcne" xml:space="preserve">[[File:WilliamBligh.jpeg|thumb|]]
Vice-Admiral '''[[w:William Bligh|William Bligh]]''' FRS (9 September 1754 – 7 December 1817) was a British officer in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] and a colonial administrator. He is best known for the [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|mutiny on HMS ''Bounty'']], which occurred in 1789 when the ship was under his command. The reasons behind the mutiny continue to be debated. After being set adrift in ''Bounty''&lt;nowiki&gt;'&lt;/nowiki&gt;s launch by the mutineers, Bligh and those loyal to him stopped for supplies on [[w:Tofua|Tofua]], losing a man to natives. Bligh and his men reached [[w:Timor|Timor]] alive, after a journey of 3,618 nautical miles (6,700 km; 4,160 mi).

On 13 August 1806, Bligh was appointed [[w:Governor of New South Wales|Governor of New South Wales]] in Australia, with orders to clean up the corrupt rum trade of the New South Wales Corps. His actions directed against the trade resulted in the so-called [[w:Rum Rebellion|Rum Rebellion]], during which Bligh was placed under arrest on 26 January 1808 by the New South Wales Corps and deposed from his command, an act which the British Foreign Office later declared to be illegal. He died in London on 7 December 1817.

== Quotes ==

* &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Tahiti]] is] certainly the paradise of the world and if happiness could result from situation and convenience, here it is to be found in the highest perfection. I have seen many parts of the world, but Tahiti is capable of being preferable to them all, and certainly is so considering it in its natural state.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (1 November 1788), p. 194

* I can only conjecture that [the Mutineers] have ideally assured themselves of a more happy life among the Tahitians than they could possibly have in England, which joined to some female connection, has most likely been the leading cause of the whole business.
** Logbook of HMS ''Bounty'' (28 April 1789), p. 356
** Reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Mutiny on the Bounty'' (Hachette Australia, 2018), epigraphs to chs. 4 and 8 

* I find that two months after I left Tahiti in the ‘Bounty’, Christian returned in her to the great astonishment of the natives. Doubting that things had gone well with me the first questions they asked were: ‘Where is Bry?’ ‘He is gone,’ he replied, ‘to England’. ‘In what ship?’ asked the natives. ‘In Toote’s ship.’
** Logbook of HMS ''Providence'' (9 April 1792)
** Reported in Ida Lee, ''Captain Bligh’s Second Voyage to the South Sea'' (London: Longman’s, Green and Co., 1920), p. 43

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bligh, William}}
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  <page>
    <title>Vernon Sturdee</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;Lieutenant General '''[[w:Vernon Sturdee|Sir Vernon Ashton Hobart Sturdee]]''', KBE, CB, DSO (16 April 1890 – 25 May 1966) was an Australian Army commander who served two terms as Chief of the General Staff.  == Quotes ==  * The Japanese would act quickly, they would all be regulars, fully trained and equipped for the operations, and fanatics who like dying in battle, whilst our troops would consist mainly of civilians, hastily thrown together on mobilisation, with ver...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="869" sha1="srbbm8g9xl6r4zcvvwey3mv7qp2ocxd" xml:space="preserve">Lieutenant General '''[[w:Vernon Sturdee|Sir Vernon Ashton Hobart Sturdee]]''', KBE, CB, DSO (16 April 1890 – 25 May 1966) was an Australian Army commander who served two terms as Chief of the General Staff.

== Quotes ==

* The Japanese would act quickly, they would all be regulars, fully trained and equipped for the operations, and fanatics who like dying in battle, whilst our troops would consist mainly of civilians, hastily thrown together on mobilisation, with very little training, short of artillery and possibly of gun ammunition.
** In 1933, to fellow senior officers. Reported in David Horner, ''Crisis of Command: Australian Generalship and the Japanese Threat'' (Canberra: Australian War Memorial, 1978), p. 16

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1890 births]]
[[Category:1966 deaths]]
[[Category:Military leaders from Australia]]</text>
      <sha1>srbbm8g9xl6r4zcvvwey3mv7qp2ocxd</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607127</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:44:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
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      <text bytes="901" sha1="bylp0vxsqiq4i8c95l1f8f6z8qbffne" xml:space="preserve">Lieutenant General '''[[w:Vernon Sturdee|Sir Vernon Ashton Hobart Sturdee]]''', KBE, CB, DSO (16 April 1890 – 25 May 1966) was an Australian Army commander who served two terms as Chief of the General Staff.

== Quotes ==

* The Japanese would act quickly, they would all be regulars, fully trained and equipped for the operations, and fanatics who like dying in battle, whilst our troops would consist mainly of civilians, hastily thrown together on mobilisation, with very little training, short of artillery and possibly of gun ammunition.
** In 1933, to fellow senior officers. Reported in David Horner, ''Crisis of Command: Australian Generalship and the Japanese Threat'' (Canberra: Australian War Memorial, 1978), p. 16

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sturdee, Vernon}}
[[Category:1890 births]]
[[Category:1966 deaths]]
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  <page>
    <title>Nini Wacera</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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        <id>3154176</id>
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      <comment>added quotes #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="376" sha1="7pffrqq3wwv3279fac5qrn9wmpgldnn" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nini Wacera]]''' (born 16 January 1978) is a Kenyan actress and casting director
{{actor-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  

** I want to win awards, I want to celebrate life but life and reality is a mix of celebration and sorrow it doesn't demarcate, it is always fair.'''.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p0IR0JzVN4 Engage Talk]]


[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:45:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>4304</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Actresses from Kenya]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607128</origin>
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      <text bytes="410" sha1="t7u465dbehukqcciodb0c626cq5dria" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nini Wacera]]''' (born 16 January 1978) is a Kenyan actress and casting director
{{actor-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  

** I want to win awards, I want to celebrate life but life and reality is a mix of celebration and sorrow it doesn't demarcate, it is always fair.'''.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p0IR0JzVN4 Engage Talk]]


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      <sha1>t7u465dbehukqcciodb0c626cq5dria</sha1>
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      <parentid>3607128</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:46:00Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="548" sha1="tbgsxisfnhwzjxo83h7sfz621ymdxi7" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Nini Wacera|Nini Wacera]]''' (born 16 January 1978) is a Kenyan actress and casting director

{{actor-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  
** I want to win awards, I want to celebrate life but life and reality is a mix of celebration and sorrow it doesn't demarcate, it is always fair.'''.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p0IR0JzVN4 Engage Talk]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Wacera, Nini}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:1978 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]]
[[Category:Actresses from Kenya]]</text>
      <sha1>tbgsxisfnhwzjxo83h7sfz621ymdxi7</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Charlotte Lobe</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280968</id>
    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:31:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Evaristus07</username>
        <id>3154104</id>
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      <comment>Created an article</comment>
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      <text bytes="4048" sha1="7t8j5kcjxc0yebr9f7q40ci6vteujoi" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Charlotte Lobe|Charlotte Lobe]]''' (née Pheko; born 2 July 1973) is a South African politician, diplomat and civil servant who represented the African National Congress (ANC) in the National Assembly from 1999 to 2004 and in the Free State Provincial Legislature from 2004 to 2008. In October 2008, she defected to the Congress of the People (COPE), a newly formed breakaway party.

== Quotes ==
*And the reason for this is for us to appreciate that even though we are far apart, we are one people and there’s a lot that we can achieve as one people.
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*women are innovators and creators of wealth. There is nowhere in the world that does not have the hand of a woman involved; this goes right up to the fact that all of us are born of a woman.
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*It has also been a beautiful experience to learn about the diverse cultures of Singapore at a depth that cannot be attained by merely visiting as a tourist. The summary of my work is best captured by my 7Cs or what I call my mantra in life: 
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*Building a strong and inclusive economy, improving capabilities of South Africans, and building a capable, ethical, and developmental state. In a nutshell, using our presence in Singapore to existential domestic challenges.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Success can beget success, and celebrating at work helps to build momentum, improve morale, and make the hard times feel all the more worth it.” 
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Through this principle we are able to determine and prioritise collective highest impact tasks and increase productivity thereby achieving priorities we have set for ourselves.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*I believe that when we work together, we are powerful and better able to effect change.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*women are able to achieve solidarity of purpose to represent women’s interests when they achieve certain levels of representation. 
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
* the interests of men and women are different and even conflicting and therefore women are needed in representative institutions to articulate the interests of women
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*women’s experiences are different from men’s and need to be represented in discussions that result in policy making and implementation. These different experiences mean that women ‘do politics’ differently from men.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*the equal representation of women and men enhances democratisation of governance in both transitional and consolidated democracies.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Gender equality and women’s empowerment remain central tenets for development in the country, the continent and across the world. However, the nagging claws of gender inequality in the continent continue to impede women from contributing to the development agenda and lending their voice as they are precluded from many development-oriented conversations.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politician]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>7t8j5kcjxc0yebr9f7q40ci6vteujoi</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607131</id>
      <parentid>3606958</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:47:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="4360" sha1="lmn438lpj4lkkcd4xtw95wjukqshjgo" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Charlotte Lobe|Charlotte Lobe]]''' (née Pheko; born 2 July 1973) is a South African politician, diplomat and civil servant who represented the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC) in the [[w:National Assembly of South Africa|National Assembly]] from 1999 to 2004 and in the [[w:Free State Provincial Legislature|Free State Provincial Legislature]] from 2004 to 2008. In October 2008, she defected to the [[w:Congress of the People (South African political party)|Congress of the People]] (COPE), a newly formed breakaway party.

== Quotes ==
*And the reason for this is for us to appreciate that even though we are far apart, we are one people and there’s a lot that we can achieve as one people.
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*women are innovators and creators of wealth. There is nowhere in the world that does not have the hand of a woman involved; this goes right up to the fact that all of us are born of a woman.
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*It has also been a beautiful experience to learn about the diverse cultures of Singapore at a depth that cannot be attained by merely visiting as a tourist. The summary of my work is best captured by my 7Cs or what I call my mantra in life: 
**[https://indiplomacy.com/2024/02/13/h-e-charlotte-lobe-bold-in-spirit-leadership/]
*Building a strong and inclusive economy, improving capabilities of South Africans, and building a capable, ethical, and developmental state. In a nutshell, using our presence in Singapore to existential domestic challenges.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Success can beget success, and celebrating at work helps to build momentum, improve morale, and make the hard times feel all the more worth it.” 
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Through this principle we are able to determine and prioritise collective highest impact tasks and increase productivity thereby achieving priorities we have set for ourselves.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*I believe that when we work together, we are powerful and better able to effect change.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*women are able to achieve solidarity of purpose to represent women’s interests when they achieve certain levels of representation. 
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
* the interests of men and women are different and even conflicting and therefore women are needed in representative institutions to articulate the interests of women
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*women’s experiences are different from men’s and need to be represented in discussions that result in policy making and implementation. These different experiences mean that women ‘do politics’ differently from men.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*the equal representation of women and men enhances democratisation of governance in both transitional and consolidated democracies.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]
*Gender equality and women’s empowerment remain central tenets for development in the country, the continent and across the world. However, the nagging claws of gender inequality in the continent continue to impede women from contributing to the development agenda and lending their voice as they are precluded from many development-oriented conversations.
**[https://www.embassydirect.co.za/2023/02/20/getting-to-know-our-foreign-service-madiepetsane-charlotte-lobe/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lobe, Charlotte}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
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[[Category:Women politicians]]
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  <page>
    <title>Zingiswa Losi</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280969</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606966</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T13:45:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Evaristus07</username>
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      <text bytes="2324" sha1="rk9b06hr9wc233prrom2w7b83o4f3gg" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Zingiswa Losi|Zingiswa Losi ]]'''(born 2 October 1975) is a South African politician and trade unionist who is currently serving as the president of the Congress of South African Trade Unions (Cosatu) since September 2018. She was formerly Cosatu's second deputy president from 2009 to 2018. She is a member of the Central Committee of the South African Communist Party (SACP) and a former member of the National Executive Committee of the African National Congress (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*the Global South must stand united in our fight for a fair and just climate
response. We cannot allow the powerful nations who have historically benefited from the very industries that have caused this crisis, to dictate the terms of our transition.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Decent work for all workers As we move towards green economies, we must ensure new jobs are good jobs,that offer dignity, fair wages, and security for workers and their families..
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Social protection and support for affected workers and communities
Workers in at risk industries must be supported, including through reskilling
opportunities, economic support, and access to new jobs.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Energy democracy and ownership We must ensure that the shift to renewable energy does not simply transfer powerfrom one set of elites to another.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Let us build solidarity across borders, industries and movements. The future is in our hands. We dare not stop until justice, equality and sustainability prevail.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politician]]</text>
      <sha1>rk9b06hr9wc233prrom2w7b83o4f3gg</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607135</id>
      <parentid>3606966</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:49:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="2712" sha1="7fow28ay5iay3ian3jfkfyklok3s0lc" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Zingiswa Losi|Zingiswa Phyllis Losi]]''' (born 2 October 1975) is a South African politician and trade unionist who is currently serving as the president of the [[w:Congress of South African Trade Unions|Congress of South African Trade Unions]] (Cosatu) since September 2018. She was formerly Cosatu's second deputy president from 2009 to 2018. She is a member of the [[w:Central Committee of the South African Communist Party|Central Committee]] of the [[w:South African Communist Party|South African Communist Party]] (SACP) and a former member of the [[w:National Executive Committee of the African National Congress|National Executive Committee]] of the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*the Global South must stand united in our fight for a fair and just climate
response. We cannot allow the powerful nations who have historically benefited from the very industries that have caused this crisis, to dictate the terms of our transition.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Decent work for all workers As we move towards green economies, we must ensure new jobs are good jobs,that offer dignity, fair wages, and security for workers and their families..
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Social protection and support for affected workers and communities
Workers in at risk industries must be supported, including through reskilling
opportunities, economic support, and access to new jobs.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Energy democracy and ownership We must ensure that the shift to renewable energy does not simply transfer powerfrom one set of elites to another.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Let us build solidarity across borders, industries and movements. The future is in our hands. We dare not stop until justice, equality and sustainability prevail.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Losi, Zingiswa}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:1975 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]]</text>
      <sha1>7fow28ay5iay3ian3jfkfyklok3s0lc</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607150</id>
      <parentid>3607135</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:15:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <origin>3607150</origin>
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      <text bytes="2712" sha1="0xx4u65zj0r5ypqvjpi4dfcknm5bbm9" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Zingiswa Losi|Zingiswa Phyllis Losi]]''' (born 2 October 1975) is a South African politician and trade unionist who is currently serving as the president of the [[w:Congress of South African Trade Unions|Congress of South African Trade Unions]] (Cosatu) since September 2018. She was formerly Cosatu's second deputy president from 2009 to 2018. She is a member of the [[w:Central Committee of the South African Communist Party|Central Committee]] of the [[w:South African Communist Party|South African Communist Party]] (SACP) and a former member of the [[w:National Executive Committee of the African National Congress|National Executive Committee]] of the [[w:African National Congress|African National Congress]] (ANC).

== Quotes ==
*The Global South must stand united in our fight for a fair and just climate response. We cannot allow the powerful nations who have historically benefited from the very industries that have caused this crisis, to dictate the terms of our transition.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Decent work for all workers As we move towards green economies, we must ensure new jobs are good jobs,that offer dignity, fair wages, and security for workers and their families..
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Social protection and support for affected workers and communities Workers in at risk industries must be supported, including through reskilling opportunities, economic support, and access to new jobs.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Energy democracy and ownership We must ensure that the shift to renewable energy does not simply transfer powerfrom one set of elites to another.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]
*Let us build solidarity across borders, industries and movements. The future is in our hands. We dare not stop until justice, equality and sustainability prevail.
**[https://mediadon.co.za/2024/09/16/keynote-address-by-cosatu-president-zingiswa-losi-co-chair-of-theinternational-energy-agency-advisory-committee/]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Losi, Zingiswa}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:1975 births]]
[[Category:Women born in the 1970s]]</text>
      <sha1>0xx4u65zj0r5ypqvjpi4dfcknm5bbm9</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>History of Australia</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3606987</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:06:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ficaia</username>
        <id>3085955</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;The '''[[w:History of Australia|history of Australia]]''' The history of Australia is the history of the land and peoples which comprise the Commonwealth of [[Australia]]. The modern nation came into existence on 1 January 1901 as a [[w:Federation of Australia|federation]] of former British colonies, founded on the discoveries of Captain [[James Cook|Cook]] and other European explorers. The pre-history of Australia, however, commences with the arrival of the first ancest...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="1384" sha1="r6pxufe9xg1cnx9kqz0t6w5l73pyj7t" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[w:History of Australia|history of Australia]]'''
The history of Australia is the history of the land and peoples which comprise the Commonwealth of [[Australia]]. The modern nation came into existence on 1 January 1901 as a [[w:Federation of Australia|federation]] of former British colonies, founded on the discoveries of Captain [[James Cook|Cook]] and other European explorers. The pre-history of Australia, however, commences with the arrival of the first ancestors of [[Aboriginal Australians]] by sea from Maritime Southeast Asia between 50,000 and 65,000 years ago, and continues to the present day.

== Quotes ==

=== 17th century ===

=== 18th century ===

=== 19th century ===

* Australian history is almost always picturesque; indeed, it is also so curious and strange, that it is itself the chiefest novelty the country has to offer and so it pushes the other novelties into second and third place. It does not read like history, but like the most beautiful lies; and all of a fresh new sort, no mouldy old stale ones. It is full of surprises and adventures, the incongruities, and contradictions, and incredibilities; but they are all true, they all happened.
** [[Mark Twain]] (1897), reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Batavia'' (2011), epigraph

=== 20th century ===

=== 21st century ===

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:Australia]]</text>
      <sha1>r6pxufe9xg1cnx9kqz0t6w5l73pyj7t</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607152</id>
      <parentid>3606987</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:15:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="1359" sha1="sdcfgh109fqckdlhqsteeeit7fxzy2a" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[w:History of Australia|history of Australia]]''' is the history of the land and peoples which comprise the Commonwealth of [[Australia]]. The modern nation came into existence on 1 January 1901 as a [[w:Federation of Australia|federation]] of former British colonies, founded on the discoveries of Captain [[James Cook|Cook]] and other European explorers. The pre-history of Australia, however, commences with the arrival of the first ancestors of [[Aboriginal Australians]] by sea from Maritime Southeast Asia between 50,000 and 65,000 years ago, and continues to the present day.

== Quotes ==

=== 17th century ===

=== 18th century ===

=== 19th century ===

* Australian history is almost always picturesque; indeed, it is also so curious and strange, that it is itself the chiefest novelty the country has to offer and so it pushes the other novelties into second and third place. It does not read like history, but like the most beautiful lies; and all of a fresh new sort, no mouldy old stale ones. It is full of surprises and adventures, the incongruities, and contradictions, and incredibilities; but they are all true, they all happened.
** [[Mark Twain]] (1897), reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Batavia'' (2011), epigraph

=== 20th century ===

=== 21st century ===

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:Australia]]</text>
      <sha1>sdcfgh109fqckdlhqsteeeit7fxzy2a</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607153</id>
      <parentid>3607152</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:16:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:History by country]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <origin>3607153</origin>
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      <text bytes="1401" sha1="dm5w1cek13j3xno5bxlcz5lvsxh0xqb" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[w:History of Australia|history of Australia]]''' is the history of the land and peoples which comprise the Commonwealth of [[Australia]]. The modern nation came into existence on 1 January 1901 as a [[w:Federation of Australia|federation]] of former British colonies, founded on the discoveries of Captain [[James Cook|Cook]] and other European explorers. The pre-history of Australia, however, commences with the arrival of the first ancestors of [[Aboriginal Australians]] by sea from Maritime Southeast Asia between 50,000 and 65,000 years ago, and continues to the present day.

== Quotes ==

=== 17th century ===

=== 18th century ===

=== 19th century ===

* Australian history is almost always picturesque; indeed, it is also so curious and strange, that it is itself the chiefest novelty the country has to offer and so it pushes the other novelties into second and third place. It does not read like history, but like the most beautiful lies; and all of a fresh new sort, no mouldy old stale ones. It is full of surprises and adventures, the incongruities, and contradictions, and incredibilities; but they are all true, they all happened.
** [[Mark Twain]] (1897), reported in [[Peter FitzSimons]], ''Batavia'' (2011), epigraph

=== 20th century ===

=== 21st century ===

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:Australia]]
[[Category:History by country|Australia]]</text>
      <sha1>dm5w1cek13j3xno5bxlcz5lvsxh0xqb</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Sylvia Lucas</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280971</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3606988</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:08:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Evaristus07</username>
        <id>3154104</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created an article</comment>
      <origin>3606988</origin>
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      <text bytes="1332" sha1="ec1ayvjnvxo4nqr7hxh5akwy77m2ake" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Sylvia Lucas|Sylvia Lucas]]''' (born 22 April 1964) is the current Deputy Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces in the Republic of South Africa, after having taken office on 23 May 2019. From 2013 to 2019, she served as the 4th Premier of the Northern Cape Province. She was elected and inaugurated as the successor to Hazel Jenkins. Lucas briefly served as acting premier and before her appointment, as the MEC for Environmental Affairs in the Northern Cape Provincial Government.

== Quotes ==
*If that is the case I would really like to apologise to the nation if I came across as someone who is insensitive
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]
*We are coming from a past where it was a luxury to have electricity.
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]
*People are saying that she probably has solar… the only thing that I bought with my own money is inverter for my fridge and for my children so that they can watch TV and to charge,”
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lucas, Sylvia}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politician]]
[[Category:politician from South Africa]]
[[Category:(1964), Birth]]</text>
      <sha1>ec1ayvjnvxo4nqr7hxh5akwy77m2ake</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607154</id>
      <parentid>3606988</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:17:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1351" sha1="643jnu2y9zbesc95q40dyx9b43y1b46" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup}}
'''[[W:Sylvia Lucas|Sylvia Lucas]]''' (born 22 April 1964) is the current Deputy Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces in the Republic of South Africa, after having taken office on 23 May 2019. From 2013 to 2019, she served as the 4th Premier of the Northern Cape Province. She was elected and inaugurated as the successor to Hazel Jenkins. Lucas briefly served as acting premier and before her appointment, as the MEC for Environmental Affairs in the Northern Cape Provincial Government.

== Quotes ==
*If that is the case I would really like to apologise to the nation if I came across as someone who is insensitive
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]
*We are coming from a past where it was a luxury to have electricity.
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]
*People are saying that she probably has solar… the only thing that I bought with my own money is inverter for my fridge and for my children so that they can watch TV and to charge,”
**[https://www.citizen.co.za/news/lucas-apologises-comments-load-shedding/ She said]

== External link ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lucas, Sylvia}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women politician]]
[[Category:politician from South Africa]]
[[Category:(1964), Birth]]</text>
      <sha1>643jnu2y9zbesc95q40dyx9b43y1b46</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dutch East India Company</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280972</id>
    <redirect title="Dutch Empire" />
    <revision>
      <id>3606990</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:09:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ficaia</username>
        <id>3085955</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Redirected page to [[Dutch Empire]]</comment>
      <origin>3606990</origin>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="26" sha1="ea9jbsa89cidn5hjqcym0x1sdh89ici" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Dutch Empire]]</text>
      <sha1>ea9jbsa89cidn5hjqcym0x1sdh89ici</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Jewish mysticism</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280973</id>
    <redirect title="Judaism" />
    <revision>
      <id>3606991</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:10:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Redirect to [[Judaism]] for now, but this should be developed into its own page</comment>
      <origin>3606991</origin>
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      <text bytes="21" sha1="564wnqheu1blzpriixsfjnnciygkkqz" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Judaism]]</text>
      <sha1>564wnqheu1blzpriixsfjnnciygkkqz</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Kabbalah</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3606992</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T14:18:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|150px|The [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]].]] '''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].  {{stub}}  == Quotes == * The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3606992</origin>
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      <text bytes="2808" sha1="srk1fq5k7m8wh5i4ew5qcnu5jsu1c5l" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|150px|The [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]].]]
'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and twenty-two letters, a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
      <sha1>srk1fq5k7m8wh5i4ew5qcnu5jsu1c5l</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607000</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T15:08:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
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      <comment>Added thumb option</comment>
      <origin>3607000</origin>
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      <text bytes="2808" sha1="tbmnpcg2flygnc5ln9cjcqd970wr87v" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|right|The [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]].]]
'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and twenty-two letters, a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
      <sha1>tbmnpcg2flygnc5ln9cjcqd970wr87v</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607066</id>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */Added image</comment>
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      <text bytes="3224" sha1="j29ak48eb8uhy4y2cgjz5ib8vwn0k8n" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|right|The [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]].]]
'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

[[File:חלונות ארדון בבניין הספריה הלאומית בגבעת רם - מבט 1.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute.&quot; ([[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']])]]

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and twenty-two letters, a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
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    </revision>
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      <text bytes="3391" sha1="q1d35rqa9v21hi13g11ucxfp5m4lmom" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|right|&quot;In brief, the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.&quot; ([[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']])]]
'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

[[File:חלונות ארדון בבניין הספריה הלאומית בגבעת רם - מבט 1.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute.&quot; ([[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']])]]

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and twenty-two letters, a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
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'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

[[File:חלונות ארדון בבניין הספריה הלאומית בגבעת רם - מבט 1.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute.&quot; ([[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']])]]

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and twenty-two letters, a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Judaism]]</text>
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'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

[[File:חלונות ארדון בבניין הספריה הלאומית בגבעת רם - מבט 1.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute.&quot; ([[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']])]]

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; ten numbers and [[Hebrew alphabet|twenty-two letters]], a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Judaism]]</text>
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      <text bytes="3453" sha1="lyarurhz3mxtpl7d5beefrq3htjezl7" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Tree of Life 2009 large.png|thumb|right|&quot;In brief, the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.&quot; ([[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']])]]
'''[[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]''' or '''Qabalah''' (Hebrew: [[Wiktionary:קבלה|קַבָּלָה]]) is an esoteric method, discipline and school of thought in [[Jewish mysticism]]. It forms the foundation of mystical religious interpretations within [[Judaism]].

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The curious symbol-system known to us as the [[w:Tree of life (Kabbalah)|Tree of Life]] is an attempt to reduce to diagrammatic form every force and factor in the manifested universe and the soul of man; to correlate them one to another and reveal them spread out as on a map so that the relative positions of each unit can be seen and the relations between them traced. In brief, the Tree of Life is a compendium of science, psychology, philosophy, and theology.
** [[Dion Fortune]]: [[Dion Fortune#The Mystical Qabalah (1935)|''The Mystical Qabalah'']], ch. 3: &quot;The Method of the Qabalah&quot;. Samuel Weiser, Inc. (1984). ISBN: 0-87728-596-9.

[[File:חלונות ארדון בבניין הספריה הלאומית בגבעת רם - מבט 1.jpg|thumb|right|&quot;We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute.&quot; ([[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']])]]

* We are seized with admiration when we penetrate the sanctuary of the [[w:Kabbalah|Cabala]], by the sight of a doctrine so logical, so simple, and at the same time so absolute. The necessary union of ideas and of signs; the consecration of the most fundamental realities with primitive characters, the trinity of words, of letters and of numbers; a philosophy as simple as the alphabet, profound and infinite as the Verb; theorems more complete and illuminating than those of Pythagoras; a theology which we summarize by counting on our fingers; an infinity that could be held in the hollow of a child's hand; [[Hebrew numerals|ten numbers]] and [[Hebrew alphabet|twenty-two letters]], a triangle, a square, and a circle: those are the whole of the elements of the Cabala.
** [[Eliphas Levi]]: [[Eliphas Levi#Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (1856)|''The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic'']], &quot;Introduction to the Doctrine of High Magic&quot;, p. 21. TarcherPerigee (2017). ISBN: 0-14-311103-5.

* The word &quot;[[Wiktionary:qabalah|Qabalah]]&quot; is derived from a Hebrew root [[Wiktionary:קבל|קבל]] (QBL) meaning &quot;to receive&quot;. The legend is that this philosophy is a knowledge of things first taught by the Demiurgos to a select company of spiritual intelligences of a lofty rank who, after the Fall, communicated its divine injunctions to Mankind—who, in reality, were themselves in incarnation. It is also denominated the ''Chokmah Nistorah'', &quot;The Secret Wisdom&quot;, so-called because it has been orally transmitted from Adept to Pupil in the Secret Sanctuaries of Initiation.
** [[Israel Regardie]]: [[Israel Regardie#A Garden of Pomegranates (1932)|''A Garden of Pomegranates'']] (Second Edition), ch. 1, &quot;Historical Survey&quot;, p. 17. Llewellyn Publications (1987). ISBN: 0-87542-690-5.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Judaism]]</text>
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      <comment>Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.</comment>
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      <text bytes="1539" sha1="20qzm34f8jshjbg39dol6codhrs3mch" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 
{{philosopher-stub}}
==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 
* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a war where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:British philosophers]]</text>
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      <comment>It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.</comment>
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      <text bytes="2035" sha1="q15u2ujxcl2c4ribo2uitypn3bkw2bj" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 
{{philosopher-stub}}
==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a war where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:British philosophers]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1981" sha1="ket74mmek778ltn83sxyrjexmsxqioj" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a war where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>ket74mmek778ltn83sxyrjexmsxqioj</sha1>
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      <text bytes="2959" sha1="ncfy8tziwg5kfc3ws2wsotkgdquxg6p" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Racial biology Scientific racism Byste arisk type Anatomisk institutt Universitetet Oslo Aryan bust Måleinstrument skallemåling Rasbiologiska Institutet Uppsala Craniometry anthropometry head-measuring tool calipers HL-senteret 01.jpg|thumb|During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. ... In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.]]
'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

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'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
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'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. C. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Autism activists]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
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'''[[w:Robert Chapman (philosopher)|Robert Chapman]]''' is an English philosopher, teacher and writer, best known for their work on neurodiversity studies and the philosophy of disability. 

==Quotes==
=== ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism'' (2023) === 
::&lt;small&gt;Chapman, R. (2023). ''Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism''. Pluto Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* It was capitalism that allowed the body itself to go from being understood as a dynamic organism to being a working or broken machine. And it was not just the fact that new machines were increasingly part of daily life, making it seem natural to use machines as metaphors for the sciences of the age. It was also that the mode of production itself favored a reduction of people to living machines, since they were seen as working or broken in relation to their productive potential.
** p. 30

* It was in Nazi-occupied Austria that autism was coined as a diagnosis. While the term had been coined by the [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and psychiatrist [[w:Eugene Bleuler|Eugene Bleuler]] in 1911, Bleuler only meant it to refer to a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of [[w:Hans Asperger|Hans Asperger]] in the 1930s and 1940s that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being. During a [[World War II|war]] where men were expected to express a 'soldier mentality' and to be part of the group, boys who failed to fit this economic requirement were singled out as pathological (it was mostly boys who got the diagnosis) and were baptized with a new name: autism. Those women who were diagnosed were also singled out if they had intellectual disabilities, since they were not seen as fit to reproduce.
** p. 62

* In this context, Hans Asperger and other medics began dividing autistics up into those deemed to have potential worth to the Third Reich given their purportedly strong logical capacities, and those who were to be sterilized or killed along with countless other mad and disabled targets.
** p. 62

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Autism activists]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
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[[W:Maureen Thelma Watson|Maureen Thelma Watson]] (née Eastwood), born on 15 September 1925 in Bulawayo, Southern Rhodesia, and passed away on 29 August 1994, was a Rhodesian politician. Initially a housewife and family planning advocate, she entered politics and was elected to the Southern Rhodesian Legislative Assembly in 1958, becoming the second woman in Parliament. Reelected in 1962, she chose not to run again in 1965. A moderate, Watson was affiliated with the United Federal Party and later the Rhodesia Party, opposing the conservative stance of the Rhodesian Front.


== Quotes==


* I have several books on my bedside table, including A Dream Fulfilled: Memoirs of an African Diplomat  by Thandi Lujabe-Rankoe, Sleep In Peace Tonight by James MacManus, The Many Houses of Exile by Richard Jurgens, and the Bible.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson responds to the question, &quot;What books are currently on your nightstand?&quot;]


* William Faulkner
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson answers the question, &quot;Who is your all-time favorite writer?&quot;]


*  I enjoy reading crime fiction and avoid Mills &amp; Boon.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson respond &quot;Which genres do you particularly enjoy reading?And which do you avoid?]


* I have a few favorites: An Ill-Fated People: Zimbabwe Before and After Rhodes by Lawrence Vambe,  The Quartet: Children of Violence by Doris Lessing, and  Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight  by Alexandra Fuller.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson &quot;What are your favorite books about Zimbabwe or written by Zimbabwean authors?]


* I was fortunate to be born at Dadaya Mission nearly 79 years ago, so my connection to Zimbabwe goes back much further than 1965. Growing up in a vibrant community that included figures like Ndabaningi Sithole gave me a unique perspective. When the Rhodesian Front came to power and saw these individuals as potential enemies, I had the privilege of knowing them as champions of what would one day become Zimbabwe. What better background could I have had?
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson respond, &quot;You’ve said Zimbabwe has been your full-time commitment and ‘marriage’ since 1965—could you explain that?&quot;]


* It’s been a journey of ups and downs. Before Zimbabwe, there was Rhodesia, which brought its own challenges, but it’s been a life shaped by significant moments. For example, back in 1964, while I was at university with others who would later become prominent Zimbabweans, like Byron Hove and others, we staged a demonstration against the banning of the Daily News  a newspaper we had at the time.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson responds, &quot; When you say you've been &quot;married&quot; to Zimbabwe for that long, how has that marriage turned out?]


* In 1964, Harold Hockshield saw my speech in the  Central African Examiner  and distributed copies worldwide, leading to a scholarship offer from Columbia University. In October 1965, my father was detained, likely due to concerns he’d form a government in exile. Edinburgh University then invited me to speak in his place.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson responds, &quot;In other words, you were fully committing yourself and everything you had to the liberation struggle?]


==External Links==
[https://peoplepill.com/amp/i/maureen-thelma-watson Biography]

[https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/thelma-watson-memorial?pid=178784611 Maureen Thelma Watson]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Watson, Maureen Thelma}}
[[Category:1925 births]]
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[[W:Maureen Thelma Watson|Maureen Thelma Watson]] (née Eastwood), born on 15 September 1925 in Bulawayo, Southern Rhodesia, and passed away on 29 August 1994, was a Rhodesian politician. Initially a housewife and family planning advocate, she entered politics and was elected to the Southern Rhodesian Legislative Assembly in 1958, becoming the second woman in Parliament. Reelected in 1962, she chose not to run again in 1965. A moderate, Watson was affiliated with the United Federal Party and later the Rhodesia Party, opposing the conservative stance of the Rhodesian Front.


== Quotes==


* I have several books on my bedside table, including A Dream Fulfilled: Memoirs of an African Diplomat  by Thandi Lujabe-Rankoe, Sleep In Peace Tonight by James MacManus, The Many Houses of Exile by Richard Jurgens, and the Bible.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson responds to the question, &quot;What books are currently on your nightstand?&quot;]


* William Faulkner
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson answers the question, &quot;Who is your all-time favorite writer?&quot;]


*  I enjoy reading crime fiction and avoid Mills &amp; Boon.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson respond &quot;Which genres do you particularly enjoy reading?And which do you avoid?]


* I have a few favorites: An Ill-Fated People: Zimbabwe Before and After Rhodes by Lawrence Vambe,  The Quartet: Children of Violence by Doris Lessing, and  Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight  by Alexandra Fuller.
* [https://www.thestandard.co.zw/2015/12/06/judith-todd-shares-her-bookshelf Maureen Thelma Watson &quot;What are your favorite books about Zimbabwe or written by Zimbabwean authors?]


* I was fortunate to be born at Dadaya Mission nearly 79 years ago, so my connection to Zimbabwe goes back much further than 1965. Growing up in a vibrant community that included figures like Ndabaningi Sithole gave me a unique perspective. When the Rhodesian Front came to power and saw these individuals as potential enemies, I had the privilege of knowing them as champions of what would one day become Zimbabwe. What better background could I have had?
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson respond, &quot;You’ve said Zimbabwe has been your full-time commitment and ‘marriage’ since 1965—could you explain that?&quot;]


* It’s been a journey of ups and downs. Before Zimbabwe, there was Rhodesia, which brought its own challenges, but it’s been a life shaped by significant moments. For example, back in 1964, while I was at university with others who would later become prominent Zimbabweans, like Byron Hove and others, we staged a demonstration against the banning of the Daily News  a newspaper we had at the time.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson responds, &quot; When you say you've been &quot;married&quot; to Zimbabwe for that long, how has that marriage turned out?]


* In 1964, Harold Hockshield saw my speech in the  Central African Examiner  and distributed copies worldwide, leading to a scholarship offer from Columbia University. In October 1965, my father was detained, likely due to concerns he’d form a government in exile. Edinburgh University then invited me to speak in his place.
* [https://www.newsday.co.zw/thestandard/news/article/10148/in-conversation-with-trevor-judith-todd-offers-a-glimpse-into-rhodesia-detentions Maureen Thelma Watson responds, &quot;In other words, you were fully committing yourself and everything you had to the liberation struggle?]


==External Links==
[https://peoplepill.com/amp/i/maureen-thelma-watson Biography]

[https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/thelma-watson-memorial?pid=178784611 Maureen Thelma Watson]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Watson, Maureen Thelma}}
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Grace McCallum|]]''' (October 30, 2002 –) is an American gymnast.  == Quotes ==  * Whenever I have a rough day, in the gym or competition, I just know God gave me this talent. I need to use it and not waste it. ** [https://thecentralminnesotacatholic.org/eyes-on-tokyo-local-olympic-hopeful-credits-faith-family-for-gymnastics-success/ Eyes on Tokyo: Local Olympic hopeful credits faith, family for gymnastics success (6 October 2019) ''Central Minnesota Catholic'']...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="764" sha1="dzbertepmzkfo2mzku40xu6yaxgwvaf" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Grace McCallum|Grace McCallum]]''' (October 30, 2002 –) is an American gymnast.

== Quotes ==

* Whenever I have a rough day, in the gym or competition, I just know God gave me this talent. I need to use it and not waste it.
** [https://thecentralminnesotacatholic.org/eyes-on-tokyo-local-olympic-hopeful-credits-faith-family-for-gymnastics-success/ Eyes on Tokyo: Local Olympic hopeful credits faith, family for gymnastics success (6 October 2019) ''Central Minnesota Catholic'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:McCallum, Grace}}
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[[Category:People from Minnesota]]
[[Category:Catholics from the United States]]
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      <text bytes="760" sha1="ad8ax851ceerbjri6i6zhtk6e552gcc" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Grace McCallum|Grace McCallum]]''' (October 30, 2002) is an American gymnast.

== Quotes ==

* Whenever I have a rough day, in the gym or competition, I just know God gave me this talent. I need to use it and not waste it.
** [https://thecentralminnesotacatholic.org/eyes-on-tokyo-local-olympic-hopeful-credits-faith-family-for-gymnastics-success/ Eyes on Tokyo: Local Olympic hopeful credits faith, family for gymnastics success (6 October 2019) ''Central Minnesota Catholic'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:McCallum, Grace}}
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[[Category:People from Minnesota]]
[[Category:Catholics from the United States]]
[[Category:Gymnasts]]
[[Category:Olympic gold medalists]]
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  <page>
    <title>Kim Medupe</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="1185" sha1="4r4f7w5bz3ffk7w938kz3nfllvyv8ab" xml:space="preserve">== Biography ==
'''Onica Dipuo &quot;Kim&quot; Medupe''' (born 1975 or 1976) is a [[South Africa|South African]] politician who represented the African National Congress (ANC) in the North West Provincial Legislature between May 2019 and November 2022. She was formerly the Mayor of the North West's Kgetlengrivier Local Municipality.

== Quotes ==
*There is nothing concrete about the protests and service delivery is not an issue in Koster,’’ she said. “I openly accept what happened because I know that they are just personal attacks and nothing more
*The burnt guest house belongs to me and the other guest house and the rooms for rental are also mine
*One of the vehicles torched at the guest house belonged to a guest. Two of the five cars burnt at home belong to me. One is borrowed, another belongs to security and one to a municipal official
** [https://www.snl24.com/dailysun/news/national/protest-was-a-personal-attack-20180525-2 Kim Medupe on attack on her property]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Meth, Nomakhosazana}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <id>3607162</id>
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== Biography ==
'''Onica Dipuo &quot;Kim&quot; Medupe''' (born 1975 or 1976) is a [[South Africa|South African]] politician who represented the African National Congress (ANC) in the North West Provincial Legislature between May 2019 and November 2022. She was formerly the Mayor of the North West's Kgetlengrivier Local Municipality.

== Quotes ==
*There is nothing concrete about the protests and service delivery is not an issue in Koster,’’ she said. “I openly accept what happened because I know that they are just personal attacks and nothing more
*The burnt guest house belongs to me and the other guest house and the rooms for rental are also mine
*One of the vehicles torched at the guest house belonged to a guest. Two of the five cars burnt at home belong to me. One is borrowed, another belongs to security and one to a municipal official
** [https://www.snl24.com/dailysun/news/national/protest-was-a-personal-attack-20180525-2 Kim Medupe on attack on her property]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Meth, Nomakhosazana}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>4myxzp5frbqw4xqlegxeszuigkvlhgi</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Diana Mulili</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>Created a new quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="945" sha1="6trgnew4mzogvo2t84ovfxu179er1i3" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== Quotes about person/work ==

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
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* [http://(address) Site description 2]


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      <id>3607073</id>
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      <text bytes="913" sha1="blpyg2edywtxb1ikrbp82s6631qnh0b" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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      <id>3607137</id>
      <parentid>3607073</parentid>
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        <id>3199345</id>
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      <comment>Added a quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="980" sha1="tlut5cprx5yppjj274kcpq4f1xdb5ll" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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    <revision>
      <id>3607139</id>
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        <id>3198944</id>
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      <comment>added a quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="1078" sha1="p09gjkiq30bi8hpl2xqvzxodudqa43j" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
* The thing I love most is connecting people, and my current mission is all about African youth.&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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    <revision>
      <id>3607143</id>
      <parentid>3607139</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:03:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Bonie Mbogo</username>
        <id>3199345</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
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      <text bytes="1079" sha1="g635iq5o5a90iihjgmns3o0sufztk7q" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
* &quot;The thing I love most is connecting people, and my current mission is all about African youth.&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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      <sha1>g635iq5o5a90iihjgmns3o0sufztk7q</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607147</id>
      <parentid>3607143</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:10:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
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      <comment>Added a quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="1176" sha1="l4fdbvgi4043jq5im13guckiwfwcawk" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
* &quot;The thing I love most is connecting people, and my current mission is all about African youth.&quot;
* &quot;Youth unemployment is particularly important to me because it’s what I live with every day&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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    <revision>
      <id>3607149</id>
      <parentid>3607147</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:13:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>3198944</id>
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      <text bytes="1248" sha1="oqg9h10r70l3ukprpu6sugbcdnc9o93" xml:space="preserve">'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
* &quot;The thing I love most is connecting people, and my current mission is all about African youth.&quot;
* &quot;Youth unemployment is particularly important to me because it’s what I live with every day&quot;
* &quot;The critical thing for me is learning how to leverage what you have&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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'''Diana Mulili''' is a Kenyan born in 1978. She is an  economist, businesswoman, executive coach and corporate executive.

== Quotes ==  
&lt;!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --&gt;

* &quot;You won’t always have everything you need to get where you want to go, to attain your goals and your mission, so you need to start with the little that you do have or the privilege that you have.&quot;
* &quot;I am an Africanist; everything African is what I am, who I am.&quot;
* &quot;The thing I love most is connecting people, and my current mission is all about African youth.&quot;
* &quot;Youth unemployment is particularly important to me because it’s what I live with every day&quot;
* &quot;The critical thing for me is learning how to leverage what you have&quot;
** https://theroomworldwide.medium.com/bringing-back-ubuntu-diana-mulili-is-on-a-mission-to-solve-the-problem-of-youth-unemployment-in-b45697b07487 Aug 20, 2020.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


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[[Category:Authors from Hungary]]</text>
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    <title>Category:Musicians from Kenya</title>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[Category:Musicians by country|Kenya]] [[Category:People from Kenya by occupation]]&quot;</comment>
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  <page>
    <title>Nomafrench Mbombo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <origin>3607103</origin>
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[[File:Nomafrench Mbombo.png|thumb|Nomafrench_Mbombo]]
== Biography ==
'''Nomafrench Mbombo''' (born 6 September 1966) is a [[South Africa|South African]] [[Academia|academic]] and [[Politicians|politician]] who has been a Member of the Western Cape Provincial Parliament since 2014, representing the Democratic Alliance. She previously served as the Western Cape Provincial Minister of Cultural Affairs and Sport from 2014 to 2015 and as the Western Cape Provincial Minister of Health from 2015 until 2024.

== Quotes ==
*I always laugh my lungs out that this province has this cultural practice of preserving purity through virginity testing as if these young girls wait for Prince Charming riding a white horse
^The Prince Charming will be the one riding the high viral load of HIV infections. For us in the Western Cape, we prioritise keeping girls in school
** [https://sundayworld.co.za/politics/mbombo-ridicules-amazulu-tradition-of-virginity-testing/ Mbombo ridicules AmaZulu tradition of virginity testing]
*I’ve learned that surgery is not just about an anaesthetist; it’s not about a surgeon; it’s not about a sterile surface. It’s more about a system. We are talking about a system within a system
*The message I want to convey is to create or recreate the surgical system. How do we think globally? What are the best practices in surgery and how do we customise them regionally for Africa?
** [https://www.news.uct.ac.za/article/-2023-03-01-collaboration-leadership-failure-the-mainstays-of-advancing-leadership-in-global-surgery Nomafrench Mbombo on advancing leadership in global surgery]
*It is everyone’s goal to realise true equality, equity and empowerment of women, but there is a crucial factor that is required for this to take place: the safety of women
*We need to all work together to ensure women have safe spaces to realise their own potential. Without safety for women, there can never be true women empowerment
** [https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2023-08-31-there-can-never-be-true-empowerment-of-women-as-long-as-women-are-not-safe/ Nomafrench Mbombo addressing the issue of safety for women]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Meth, Nomakhosazana}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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[[File:Nomafrench Mbombo.png|thumb|Nomafrench_Mbombo]]
== Biography ==
'''Nomafrench Mbombo''' (born 6 September 1966) is a [[South Africa|South African]] [[Academia|academic]] and [[Politicians|politician]] who has been a Member of the Western Cape Provincial Parliament since 2014, representing the Democratic Alliance. She previously served as the Western Cape Provincial Minister of Cultural Affairs and Sport from 2014 to 2015 and as the Western Cape Provincial Minister of Health from 2015 until 2024.

== Quotes ==
*I always laugh my lungs out that this province has this cultural practice of preserving purity through virginity testing as if these young girls wait for Prince Charming riding a white horse
^The Prince Charming will be the one riding the high viral load of HIV infections. For us in the Western Cape, we prioritise keeping girls in school
** [https://sundayworld.co.za/politics/mbombo-ridicules-amazulu-tradition-of-virginity-testing/ Mbombo ridicules AmaZulu tradition of virginity testing]
*I’ve learned that surgery is not just about an anaesthetist; it’s not about a surgeon; it’s not about a sterile surface. It’s more about a system. We are talking about a system within a system
*The message I want to convey is to create or recreate the surgical system. How do we think globally? What are the best practices in surgery and how do we customise them regionally for Africa?
** [https://www.news.uct.ac.za/article/-2023-03-01-collaboration-leadership-failure-the-mainstays-of-advancing-leadership-in-global-surgery Nomafrench Mbombo on advancing leadership in global surgery]
*It is everyone’s goal to realise true equality, equity and empowerment of women, but there is a crucial factor that is required for this to take place: the safety of women
*We need to all work together to ensure women have safe spaces to realise their own potential. Without safety for women, there can never be true women empowerment
** [https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2023-08-31-there-can-never-be-true-empowerment-of-women-as-long-as-women-are-not-safe/ Nomafrench Mbombo addressing the issue of safety for women]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Meth, Nomakhosazana}}
[[Category:Politicians from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women from South Africa]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Charity Wayua</title>
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      <comment>Created a new quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="808" sha1="qbcgwhhv6vifcl7e470e7vjmtkpsk7t" xml:space="preserve">'''[[Charity Wayua]]''' (born 1985) is a Kenyan chemist and researcher, who serves as a Corporate Strategy Associate at International Business Machines (IBM), based in the Greater New York City area.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot; And when people feel stuck and helpless, they stop seeing their role in a bigger system. They start to think the work they do doesn't matter in driving change. And when this happens, things slow down.&quot;

 *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTfwA1TaH3Q

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T17:36:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kendi Faith</username>
        <id>3104072</id>
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      <comment>Edited a quote #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="824" sha1="3uttkp7unlqbvfv1f3ne92yri26qjph" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Charity Wayua|Charity Wayua]]''' (born 1985) is a Kenyan chemist and researcher, who serves as a Corporate Strategy Associate at International Business Machines (IBM), based in the Greater New York City area.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot; And when people feel stuck and helpless, they stop seeing their role in a bigger system. They start to think the work they do doesn't matter in driving change. And when this happens, things slow down.&quot;

 *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTfwA1TaH3Q

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
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[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
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      <id>3607165</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <text bytes="843" sha1="1g09hp36sou92rnlrt0zol3c7j3cbd2" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup}}
'''[[w:Charity Wayua|Charity Wayua]]''' (born 1985) is a Kenyan chemist and researcher, who serves as a Corporate Strategy Associate at International Business Machines (IBM), based in the Greater New York City area.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot; And when people feel stuck and helpless, they stop seeing their role in a bigger system. They start to think the work they do doesn't matter in driving change. And when this happens, things slow down.&quot;

 *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTfwA1TaH3Q

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;What, I did not know this was here... well...  To see my about me, go to my REGULAR wiki account. ~~~&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="187" sha1="pmcnhiusi3cedtgtni4ar44gpxmasm7" xml:space="preserve">What, I did not know this was here... well...

To see my about me, go to my REGULAR wiki account. [[User:Wiki Fan49346824908|Wiki Fan49346824908]] ([[User talk:Wiki Fan49346824908|talk]])</text>
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        <username>Wiki Fan49346824908</username>
        <id>3199360</id>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;Welcome to my talk page!😄  If you need help (from me) Tell me here!  ~~~&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="161" sha1="5j79tj7yf97sbyoudq576cu9qb1ykny" xml:space="preserve">Welcome to my talk page!😄

If you need help (from me) Tell me here!

[[User:Wiki Fan49346824908|Wiki Fan49346824908]] ([[User talk:Wiki Fan49346824908|talk]])</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Asjad Raza Khan</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].  == Quotes ==&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="197" sha1="277uzorxwz7qudt4edika04xazs1w48" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==</text>
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      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="514" sha1="qq362bumsj06sfb7t1hq5pq74mkp01j" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism,” he noted. “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.</text>
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      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="703" sha1="6ptt4isumsp3auytaky3lee3vd6pa84" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism,” he noted. “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]</text>
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      <id>3607169</id>
      <parentid>3607168</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T18:25:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TheChronikler7</username>
        <id>3192168</id>
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      <text bytes="884" sha1="m8as5pfnge2dipgbc5xriwe6h243rqm" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism.”
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>3192168</id>
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      <text bytes="886" sha1="enx1gzr20y23nbvo9t0gmrknhcgqgqb" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* &quot;India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism.”
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.&quot;
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607171</id>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>3192168</id>
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      <text bytes="1291" sha1="evn5qaap4m0pbjgvgl0i1reu5r7tez1" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* &quot;India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism.”
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.&quot;
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* &quot;Naik’s activities are against Islam and the culture of India. Because of the controversies surrounding Naik, the state government in 2008 imposed a ban on programmes aired or attended by him in Lucknow, Kanpur and Allahabad.”
** Retrieved from [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bareilly/zakir-naiks-activities-are-against-islam-bareilly-clerics/articleshow/53101683.cms The Times of India]</text>
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      <text bytes="1626" sha1="qz87lqqjpk3xliliy0lf0659nls8ai1" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* &quot;India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism.”
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.&quot;
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* &quot;Naik’s activities are against Islam and the culture of India. Because of the controversies surrounding Naik, the state government in 2008 imposed a ban on programmes aired or attended by him in Lucknow, Kanpur and Allahabad.”
** Retrieved from [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bareilly/zakir-naiks-activities-are-against-islam-bareilly-clerics/articleshow/53101683.cms The Times of India]
* The atmosphere is not good.  Bring up sisters and daughters to live in purdah.
** Retrieved from [https://www.livehindustan.com/uttar-pradesh/story-mahaul-theek-nahi-hai-bahan-betiyon-ko-parda-me-rahne-ko-parvarish-den-sajjadanashin-mufti-asjad-raza-khan-qadri-dargah-tajushshariya-said-in-bareilly-8225124.html Hindustan newspaper]</text>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>3192168</id>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
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      <text bytes="1919" sha1="0wbsym4jw2b3lfbrn9wtn0e5a8kvzjo" xml:space="preserve">[[En:Asjad Raza Khan|Asjad Raza Khan]] is an Indian Islamic scholar belonging to the Barelvi movement of Sunni Islam. He is the successor of [[En: Akhtar Raza Khan|Akhtar Raza Khan]].

== Quotes ==
* &quot;India is the land of Sufism. Dr Naik speaks the language of terrorism. His thoughts are not Islamic, but related to (fundamentalist) Wahhabism.”
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* “Back in 2008, we had demanded that the central and state governments to impose a ban on his speeches and programmes. Sufi Barelvis are united against him.&quot;
** Retrieved from [https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/islam-does-not-approve-of-killings-aligarh-muslims-slam-zakir-naik-s-sermons/story-PvJadn36eOBG5btkJAyk4H.html Hindustan Times]
* &quot;Naik’s activities are against Islam and the culture of India. Because of the controversies surrounding Naik, the state government in 2008 imposed a ban on programmes aired or attended by him in Lucknow, Kanpur and Allahabad.”
** Retrieved from [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bareilly/zakir-naiks-activities-are-against-islam-bareilly-clerics/articleshow/53101683.cms The Times of India]
* The atmosphere is not good.  Bring up sisters and daughters to live in purdah.
** Retrieved from [https://www.livehindustan.com/uttar-pradesh/story-mahaul-theek-nahi-hai-bahan-betiyon-ko-parda-me-rahne-ko-parvarish-den-sajjadanashin-mufti-asjad-raza-khan-qadri-dargah-tajushshariya-said-in-bareilly-8225124.html Hindustan newspaper]
* Keep your girls away from mobile phones, establish Namaz. Lies and crimes should be avoided.
** Retrieved from [https://www.prabhatkhabar.com/top-stories/mufti-asjad-raza-khan-said-provide-religious-worldly-education-to-your-children-keep-them-away-from-mobile-smk Prabhat Khabar newspaper]</text>
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    <title>Rose Ngugi</title>
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      <comment>Created a page #Shesaid</comment>
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      <text bytes="900" sha1="lazq4ptyhhulf8ndnzh0agavzxeynfg" xml:space="preserve">Rose Ngugi is the Executive Director of the Kenya Institute for Public Policy Research and Analysis (KIPPRA) and serves as the Secretary to the Board. She is involved in providing technical guidance and capacity building on policy and strategy formulation to the Government of Kenya and other stakeholders, with the overall aim of contributing to the achievement of national development goals.

== Quotes ==  
* &quot;We are not lacking in policies touching on PWDs but their implementation is a challenge. &quot;
https://twitter.com/KTNNewsKE/status/1288520719303954434 

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
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Rose Ngugi is the Executive Director of the Kenya Institute for Public Policy Research and Analysis (KIPPRA) and serves as the Secretary to the Board. She is involved in providing technical guidance and capacity building on policy and strategy formulation to the Government of Kenya and other stakeholders, with the overall aim of contributing to the achievement of national development goals.

== Quotes ==  
* &quot;We are not lacking in policies touching on PWDs but their implementation is a challenge. &quot;
https://twitter.com/KTNNewsKE/status/1288520719303954434 

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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  <page>
    <title>Rose Francine Rogombé</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T19:57:24Z</timestamp>
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        <username>Bembety</username>
        <id>3152949</id>
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[[W:Rose Francine Rogombé|Rose Francine Rogombé]] (née Etomba), born on September 20, 1942, and deceased on April 10, 2015, She was a Gabonese politician who held the role of acting President of Gabon from June to October 2009, following the death of long-serving President Omar Bongo. Her succession to the presidency was in line with the constitution due to her position as President of the Senate, to which she was elected in February 2009.

== Quotes==

* I solemnly pledge to dedicate all my strength to the welfare of the Gabonese people, striving to promote their well-being and shield them from harm, to uphold and protect the constitution and the rule of law, to fulfill my duties with integrity, and to act with fairness towards all.
* [https://www.france24.com/en/20090609-senate-leader-rogombe-takes-over-interim-president- Rose Francine Rogombé took the oath of office as interim President of Gabon]


==External Links==
[https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/acref/9780195382075.001.0001/acref-9780195382075-e-1763 Biography]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogombe, Rose Francine}}
[[Category:1942 births]]
[[Category:2015 deaths]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607227</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:01:14Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="1560" sha1="0z9av6px434llnfh77tiyh38x1s7559" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Rose Francine Rogombé|Rose Francine Rogombé]]''' (née Etomba) (September 20, 1942 - April 10, 2015) was a [[Gabon]]ese politician who was [[w:List of heads of state of Gabon|acting president of Gabon]] from June 2009 to October 2009, following the death of long-time President [[w:Omar Bongo|Omar Bongo]]. She constitutionally succeeded Bongo due to her role as [[w:List of Presidents of the Senate of Gabon|president]] of the [[w:Senate of Gabon|Senate]], a post to which she was elected in February 2009. She was a [[lawyer]] by profession and a member of the [[w:Gabonese Democratic Party|Gabonese Democratic Party]] (PDG). Rogombé was the [[w:List of elected or appointed female heads of state|first female head of state]] of Gabon. After her interim presidency, she returned to her post as President of the Senate.

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes==
* I solemnly pledge to dedicate all my strength to the welfare of the Gabonese people, striving to promote their well-being and shield them from harm, to uphold and protect the constitution and the rule of law, to fulfill my duties with integrity, and to act with fairness towards all.
* [https://www.france24.com/en/20090609-senate-leader-rogombe-takes-over-interim-president- Rose Francine Rogombé took the oath of office as interim President of Gabon]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/acref/9780195382075.001.0001/acref-9780195382075-e-1763 Biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogombe, Rose Francine}}
[[Category:1942 births]]
[[Category:2015 deaths]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607228</id>
      <parentid>3607227</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T20:02:05Z</timestamp>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
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      <comment>+[[Category:Politicians from Gabon]]; +[[Category:Women politicians]]; +[[Category:African women]]; +[[Category:Women born in the 1940s]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1699" sha1="4f7et2q4qpua9wndskcuunqt9ogjeak" xml:space="preserve">'''[[W:Rose Francine Rogombé|Rose Francine Rogombé]]''' (née Etomba) (September 20, 1942 - April 10, 2015) was a [[w:Gabon|Gabon]]ese politician who was [[w:List of heads of state of Gabon|acting president of Gabon]] from June 2009 to October 2009, following the death of long-time President [[w:Omar Bongo|Omar Bongo]]. She constitutionally succeeded Bongo due to her role as [[w:List of Presidents of the Senate of Gabon|president]] of the [[w:Senate of Gabon|Senate]], a post to which she was elected in February 2009. She was a [[lawyer]] by profession and a member of the [[w:Gabonese Democratic Party|Gabonese Democratic Party]] (PDG). Rogombé was the [[w:List of elected or appointed female heads of state|first female head of state]] of Gabon. After her interim presidency, she returned to her post as President of the Senate.

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes==
* I solemnly pledge to dedicate all my strength to the welfare of the Gabonese people, striving to promote their well-being and shield them from harm, to uphold and protect the constitution and the rule of law, to fulfill my duties with integrity, and to act with fairness towards all.
* [https://www.france24.com/en/20090609-senate-leader-rogombe-takes-over-interim-president- Rose Francine Rogombé took the oath of office as interim President of Gabon]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/acref/9780195382075.001.0001/acref-9780195382075-e-1763 Biography]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogombe, Rose Francine}}
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[[Category:Women born in the 1940s]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Naomi Nhiwatiwa</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280992</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607247</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T21:26:47Z</timestamp>
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        <id>3152949</id>
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[[W:Naomi Pasiharigutwi Nhiwatiwa|Naomi Pasiharigutwi Nhiwatiwa]] (April 15, 1941 – April 12, 2012), born in Umtali, Mutare. was a Zimbabwean [[independence]] activist and cabinet minister. She pursued her studies in the United States, earning a PhD in Intercultural and Diplomatic Communications from the State University of New York at Buffalo in 1979. In the 1990s, she served for an extended period as a director with the World Health Organization in Brazzaville, Congo.

==Quotes==

* Being a delegate from the United States of America is a very unusual experience. As a ZANU representative from the U.S., I felt the weight of representing the country and found myself having to explain my position numerous times.
* 
[https://hoodcommunist.org/2022/03/24/women-in-the-zimbabwean-revolution/amp/]
* I explained to them that there are progressive individuals in the U.S. who support our cause, despite the appearance that most Americans back the Smith and Muzorewa regime.
*
[https://hoodcommunist.org/2022/03/24/women-in-the-zimbabwean-revolution/amp/]

Being pregnant is not a crime, and women should not be punished for it.
* [https://www.herald.co.zw/nhiwatiwa-wants-to-leave-bonsella-for-mothers-to-be/]

* Plans were underway to open a series of preschool training centers across the country. These centers would train community workers and teachers to staff the preschool classes.
* [https://www.herald.co.zw/nhiwatiwa-wants-to-leave-bonsella-for-mothers-to-be/]

== External Links==
[https://www.colonialrelic.com/biographies/naomi-pasiharigutwi-nhiwatiwa/ Biography]
[https://www.palmerfuneralhomes.com/notices/Naomi-Nhiwatiwa Naomi Nhiwatiwa]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Nhiwatiwa, Naomi}}
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[[Category:2012 deaths]]
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  <page>
    <title>User:Hafkov</title>
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      <comment>Abdul Wahab Hafkov** (Arabic: عبدالوهاب حفكوف) is a British-based writer, progressive journalist, and social media influencer renowned for his impactful presence on YouTube.</comment>
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**Abdul Wahab Hafkov** (Arabic: عبدالوهاب حفكوف) is a British-based writer, progressive journalist, and social media influencer renowned for his impactful presence on YouTube. His work predominantly focuses on providing incisive critiques of Arab regimes and extremist Islamic movements.

**Early Life**

Abdul Wahab Hafkov was born in the city of New Halfa, Sudan, into a humble family that instilled in him the values of resilience and justice from a young age. His father was a celebrated revolutionary fighter known for his extraordinary courage within one of the prominent African liberation movements. This environment of activism and steadfast dedication to justice played a crucial role in shaping Hafkov’s worldview. Growing up amidst economic challenges, he inherited his father’s passion for resistance and an unwavering spirit to stand against oppression.

Faced with the pressing realities of life in Sudan, Hafkov made the difficult decision to leave his homeland at an early age. He embarked on a path that would eventually lead him to journalism, a vocation through which he could channel his rebellious spirit and address societal injustices. Despite challenges, his early experiences and family background set the foundation for his future as a formidable critic of authoritarianism.

**Career and Influence**

Hafkov's career as a writer and journalist is marked by his unabashed criticism of authoritarian regimes in the Arab world, alongside his critiques of American foreign policy in the Middle East. He gained particular notoriety following the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Hafkouf was instrumental in popularizing the nickname &quot;Abu Manshar&quot; (Arabic: أبو منشار), meaning &quot;bearer of saws&quot;, a moniker that became synonymous with the Saudi Crown Prince due to the incident.

His analysis and commentary have resonated widely across various social media platforms, positioning him as a prominent influencer whose opinions often spark lively discussions and debate. Hafkov's YouTube channel serves as one of his primary outlets for disseminating his views, attracting a diverse audience keen on engaging with his critiques.

**Legacy and Impact**

Abdul Wahab Hafkov continues to be a pivotal figure in the realm of online journalism and social commentary. His fearless approach to discourse and critique has earned him both acclaim and criticism, reflecting the contentious nature of his subject matter. Nonetheless, his contributions highlight the complexities of Middle Eastern politics and the global responses thereto.</text>
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Abdul Wahab Hafkov (Arabic: عبدالوهاب حفكوف) is a British-based writer, progressive journalist, and social media influencer renowned for his impactful presence on YouTube. His work predominantly focuses on providing incisive critiques of Arab regimes and extremist Islamic movements.

Early Life

Abdul Wahab Hafkov was born in the city of New Halfa, Sudan, into a humble family that instilled in him the values of resilience and justice from a young age. His father was a celebrated revolutionary fighter known for his extraordinary courage within one of the prominent African liberation movements. This environment of activism and steadfast dedication to justice played a crucial role in shaping Hafkov’s worldview. Growing up amidst economic challenges, he inherited his father’s passion for resistance and an unwavering spirit to stand against oppression.

Faced with the pressing realities of life in Sudan, Hafkov made the difficult decision to leave his homeland at an early age. He embarked on a path that would eventually lead him to journalism, a vocation through which he could channel his rebellious spirit and address societal injustices. Despite challenges, his early experiences and family background set the foundation for his future as a formidable critic of authoritarianism.

Career and Influence

Hafkov's career as a writer and journalist is marked by his unabashed criticism of authoritarian regimes in the Arab world, alongside his critiques of American foreign policy in the Middle East. He gained particular notoriety following the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Hafkouf was instrumental in popularizing the nickname &quot;Abu Manshar&quot; (Arabic: أبو منشار), meaning &quot;bearer of saws&quot;, a moniker that became synonymous with the Saudi Crown Prince due to the incident.

His analysis and commentary have resonated widely across various social media platforms, positioning him as a prominent influencer whose opinions often spark lively discussions and debate. Hafkov's YouTube channel serves as one of his primary outlets for disseminating his views, attracting a diverse audience keen on engaging with his critiques.

Legacy and Impact

Abdul Wahab Hafkov continues to be a pivotal figure in the realm of online journalism and social commentary. His fearless approach to discourse and critique has earned him both acclaim and criticism, reflecting the contentious nature of his subject matter. Nonetheless, his contributions highlight the complexities of Middle Eastern politics and the global responses thereto.</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Commercials</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;---- {{Pokémon header}} ---- *'''Ash''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I smell like a stinky Primeape!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Yeah, ya d...&quot;</comment>
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{{Pokémon header}}
----
*'''Ash''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': ''Pokémon'' is on twice a day on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Stop copying me!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': I get it; it's on twice so you're saying it twice.&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': GARY!! STOP IT!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I smell like a stinky Primeape!&lt;br&gt;'''Gary''': Yeah, ya do, Ash!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Pinky and the Brain|''Pinky and the Brain'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Misty''': Hey, what kind of Pokémon is that?&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I dunno, but I'm gonna catch it!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#Pinky|Pinky]]''': Brain, we're not Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Pinky and the Brain#The Brain|Brain]]''': Be quiet. If we catch them all, we'll be able to rule the world! Bring it on!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': I choose you! Charmeleon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! ''[is tail-whipped by Charmeleon]'' Aaaaah!&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Discover all-new Pokémon!&lt;br&gt;'''Brain''': ''[gets roasted by Charmeleon]'' Gotta catch 'em all...&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': This weekend on Kids' WB!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:Histeria!|''Histeria!'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:List of Histeria! characters#Father Time|Father Time]]''': [[w:List of Histeria! characters#Big Fat Baby|Big Fat Baby]], I choose you!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Bulbasaur, Vine Whip!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur! ''[sends out its vines]''&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Slobber attack, now!&lt;br&gt;'''Big Fat Baby''': ''[lets out a huge raspberry, sending a huge wave against Ash]''&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Aaaaahh!&lt;br&gt;'''Father Time''': Did I win? Did we win?&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': Catch ''Pokémon'' and ''Histeria!'', now in the same arena, every weekday morning on Kids' WB!&lt;br&gt;'''Ash''': Can we at least get a moist towelette over here?

*''[In a [[w:Men In Black: The Series|''Men in Black'']] promo]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Hey, what're we celebrating?&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': I got a new partner.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': Say what?!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Meet Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur.&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': You're trading me in for a lizard!&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Jay''': What's so special about him!&lt;br&gt;''[Bulbasaur suddenly Vine Whips Jay.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': Built-in weaponry.&lt;br&gt;''[Later, Kay and a fully-suited Bulbasaur are seen driving the car.]''&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': You're gonna do okay, kid.&lt;br&gt;'''Bulbasaur''': Bulbasaur!

*''[In a crossover with [[w:The New Batman Adventures|''The New Batman Adventures'']]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Batman|Batman]]''': Time for bed.&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Tim Drake|Tim Drake]]''': All right, but a deal's a deal!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': No way.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': You promised!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Rrrrg. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee... All right, good night.&lt;br&gt;'''Tim Drake''': The whole thing!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': Hmmmph. ''[singing]'' Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee...

* '''Nurse Joy''': Hurry!  It's spreading! ''[shows a bunch of Kids' WB! characters imitating Pokémon]''&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Batman (Terry McGinnis)|Batman II]]''': ''[on a stretch table]''  Squirtle squirtle...&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Yakko, Wakko and Dot|Dot Warner]]:''' ''[being pushed by Ash]''  Bulbasaur!&lt;br&gt;'''Batman''': PiiikaaaCHU! ''[sneezes]''&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter''': ''[running next to [[w:Tweety Bird|Tweety]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;''  This is the 20th case of Pokémon fever this week!!&lt;br&gt;'''Nurse Joy''': It's unstop-able!&lt;br&gt;'''Agent Kay''': ''[coughs]'' Koffing....''[faints]''&lt;br&gt;:'''[[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]:''' Come on doc, EVOLVE ME!&lt;br&gt;'''Dr. Procter:''' Okay everybody!  CLEAR!&lt;br&gt;'''Pikachu''': ''[jumps up]'' PIKACHU!!!! ''[uses Thunderbolt and blows up the Pokémon Center]''&lt;br&gt;''[Later]''&lt;br&gt;'''Daffy Duck''': ''[now a Psyduck]'' Why couldn't you evolve me into a Charizard?  Or even a Fearow? Noooo! It had to be a Psyduck! Sheesh!</text>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;---- ''[[Power Rangers]]'': '''Seasons:''' [[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers|Mighty Morphin]] [[Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers|Alien]] [[Power Rangers Zeo|Zeo]] [[Power Rangers Turbo|Turbo]] [[Power Rangers in Space|Space]] [[Power Rangers Lost Galaxy|Lost Galaxy]] [[Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue|Lightspeed Rescue]] [[Power Rangers Time Force|Time Force]] [[Power Rangers Wild Force|Wild Force]] [[Power Rangers Ninja Storm|Ninja Storm]] Power Rangers Dino Thunder|Dino Thun...&quot;</comment>
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''[[Power Rangers]]'': '''Seasons:''' [[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers|Mighty Morphin]] [[Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers|Alien]] [[Power Rangers Zeo|Zeo]] [[Power Rangers Turbo|Turbo]] [[Power Rangers in Space|Space]] [[Power Rangers Lost Galaxy|Lost Galaxy]] [[Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue|Lightspeed Rescue]] [[Power Rangers Time Force|Time Force]] [[Power Rangers Wild Force|Wild Force]] [[Power Rangers Ninja Storm|Ninja Storm]] [[Power Rangers Dino Thunder|Dino Thunder]] [[Power Rangers SPD|SPD]] [[Power Rangers Mystic Force|Mytic Force]] [[Power Rangers Operation Overdrive|Operation Overdrive]] [[Power Rangers Jungle Fury|Jungle Fury]] [[Power Rangers RPM|RPM]] [[Power Rangers Samurai|Samurai]] [[Power Rangers Megaforce|Megaforce]] [[Power Rangers Dino Charge|Dino Charge]] [[Power Rangers Ninja Steel|Ninja Steel]] [[Power Rangers Beast Morphers|Beast Morphers]] [[Power Rangers Dino Fury|Dino Fury]] [[Power Rangers Cosmic Fury|Cosmic Fury]]: '''Movies:''' [[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie|1995 Movie]] [[Power Rangers (2017 film)|2017 Movie]] [[Power/Rangers]]
----&lt;noinclude&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:Pokémon}}
[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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''[[Power Rangers]]'': '''Seasons:''' [[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers|Mighty Morphin]] · [[Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers|Alien]] · [[Power Rangers Zeo|Zeo]] · [[Power Rangers Turbo|Turbo]] · [[Power Rangers in Space|Space]] · [[Power Rangers Lost Galaxy|Lost Galaxy]] · [[Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue|Lightspeed Rescue]] · [[Power Rangers Time Force|Time Force]] · [[Power Rangers Wild Force|Wild Force]] · [[Power Rangers Ninja Storm|Ninja Storm]] · [[Power Rangers Dino Thunder|Dino Thunder]] · [[Power Rangers SPD|SPD]] · [[Power Rangers Mystic Force|Mytic Force]] · [[Power Rangers Operation Overdrive|Operation Overdrive]] · [[Power Rangers Jungle Fury|Jungle Fury]] · [[Power Rangers RPM|RPM]] · [[Power Rangers Samurai|Samurai]] · [[Power Rangers Megaforce|Megaforce]] · [[Power Rangers Dino Charge|Dino Charge]] · [[Power Rangers Ninja Steel|Ninja Steel]] · [[Power Rangers Beast Morphers|Beast Morphers]] · [[Power Rangers Dino Fury|Dino Fury]] · [[Power Rangers Cosmic Fury|Cosmic Fury]]&lt;br /&gt;'''Movies:''' [[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie|1995 Movie]] · [[Power Rangers (2017 film)|2017 Movie]] · ''[[Power/Rangers]]''
----&lt;noinclude&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:Pokémon}}
[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
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      <id>3607307</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-30T23:58:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{w|Anthony Housefeather}}  {{stub}}  == Quotes about Housefeather == * ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism. ** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)   {{DEFAULTSORT:Housefeather|Anthony}}&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="418" sha1="ht83x0ambdmrkpz9kfn50h5v5pn9p3z" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Anthony Housefeather}}

{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefeather|Anthony}}</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607312</id>
      <parentid>3607307</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:02:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>oops</comment>
      <origin>3607312</origin>
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      <text bytes="416" sha1="gcm5ymec7lyvkw4twt9x6hmc8tjyseh" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Anthony Housefather}}

{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>gcm5ymec7lyvkw4twt9x6hmc8tjyseh</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607314</id>
      <parentid>3607312</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:03:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Ottawahitech moved page [[Anthony Housefeather]] to [[Anthony Housefather]]: Misspelled title</comment>
      <origin>3607312</origin>
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      <text bytes="416" sha1="gcm5ymec7lyvkw4twt9x6hmc8tjyseh" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Anthony Housefather}}

{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>gcm5ymec7lyvkw4twt9x6hmc8tjyseh</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607316</id>
      <parentid>3607314</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:05:04Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>intro:copy&amp;paste first para from enwp</comment>
      <origin>3607316</origin>
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      <text bytes="1014" sha1="s930kuqq38ihja2fb8ijiyf19uc54p4" xml:space="preserve">''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970)[4] is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal.[5] From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee.[1] Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour.[6] Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023.[7] In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.[8]


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>s930kuqq38ihja2fb8ijiyf19uc54p4</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607317</id>
      <parentid>3607316</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:06:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <origin>3607317</origin>
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      <text bytes="996" sha1="ob16qs0ra86bsyb2mzbix534vymy7ry" xml:space="preserve">''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>ob16qs0ra86bsyb2mzbix534vymy7ry</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607319</id>
      <parentid>3607317</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:07:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>typo</comment>
      <origin>3607319</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="997" sha1="rsn8g40311t8v4x0whmdz0xkf2kdgj9" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* ”Get out of Canada,&quot; said a Montreal poster with a Nazi flag and a modified Israeli flag with a swastika instead of a star of David. &quot;Zionism equals terrorism.
** [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>rsn8g40311t8v4x0whmdz0xkf2kdgj9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607321</id>
      <parentid>3607319</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:12:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes about Housefeather */ Get out of [[Canada]].  [[Zionism]] equals [[terrorism]].</comment>
      <origin>3607321</origin>
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      <text bytes="1003" sha1="mos5oel3bfiy8kypui9539rj2gq3xji" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

==
* Get out of [[Canada]].  [[Zionism]] equals [[terrorism]].
** a [[Montreal]] poster with a [[Nazi]] [[flag]] and a modified [[Israeli flag]] with a [[swastika]] instead of a [[star of Dav according to [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>mos5oel3bfiy8kypui9539rj2gq3xji</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607322</id>
      <parentid>3607321</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:15:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>repair damage</comment>
      <origin>3607322</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1036" sha1="s4qbbq10p9so06pa5e6x1tnu4cun14s" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* Get out of [[Canada]].  [[Zionism]] equals [[terrorism]].
** a [[Montreal]] poster with a [[Nazi]] [[flag]] and a modified [[Israeli flag]] with a [[swastika]] instead of a [[Star of David]] according to [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather|Anthony}}</text>
      <sha1>s4qbbq10p9so06pa5e6x1tnu4cun14s</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607349</id>
      <parentid>3607322</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:16:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:14BA:7891:3700:2DCA:BFF1:5476:2C15</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607349</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1123" sha1="0gesyrgtx30st46qypy4jp91oqtpiv3" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* Get out of [[Canada]].  [[Zionism]] equals [[terrorism]].
** a [[Montreal]] poster with a [[Nazi]] [[flag]] and a modified [[Israeli flag]] with a [[swastika]] instead of a [[Star of David]] according to [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather, Anthony}}
[[Category:Politicians from Canada]]
[[Category:People from Montreal]]</text>
      <sha1>0gesyrgtx30st46qypy4jp91oqtpiv3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607352</id>
      <parentid>3607349</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:18:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:14BA:7891:3700:2DCA:BFF1:5476:2C15</ip>
      </contributor>
      <origin>3607352</origin>
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      <text bytes="1255" sha1="f7zdkzl0g2n4t92rr7023fw0fgobh6j" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Anthony Housefather}}''' MP (born January 25, 1970) is a Canadian Member of Parliament representing the riding of Mount Royal on the island of Montreal. From 2015 to 2019, Housefather served as the Chair of the Justice and Human Rights Committee. Following the 2019 election, he was named the Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Labour. Following the 2021 federal election, Housefather was named Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Public Services and Procurement, a position he held until fall 2023. In 2024, he became Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board.


{{stub}}

== Quotes about Housefeather ==
* Get out of [[Canada]].  [[Zionism]] equals [[terrorism]].
** a [[Montreal]] poster with a [[Nazi]] [[flag]] and a modified [[Israeli flag]] with a [[swastika]] instead of a [[Star of David]] according to [https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/antisemitism/article-808917  Jewish Canadian MP called Neo-Nazi, 'get out of Canada' in flyers] (July 4, 2024)


{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Housefather, Anthony}}
[[Category:1970 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Politicians from Canada]]
[[Category:Lawyers from Canada]]
[[Category:Mayors]]
[[Category:Canadian Jews]]
[[Category:People from Montreal]]</text>
      <sha1>f7zdkzl0g2n4t92rr7023fw0fgobh6j</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Anthony Housefeather</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280997</id>
    <redirect title="Anthony Housefather" />
    <revision>
      <id>3607315</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:03:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Ottawahitech moved page [[Anthony Housefeather]] to [[Anthony Housefather]]: Misspelled title</comment>
      <origin>3607315</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33" sha1="krhatcpe9u65amkbqwapmbqrry62mkl" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Anthony Housefather]]</text>
      <sha1>krhatcpe9u65amkbqwapmbqrry62mkl</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 31, 2024</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>280998</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607320</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:09:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot; | align=center | [[File:John Keats by William Hilton.jpg|210px]] | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;''[[Now]] comes the [[pain]] of [[truth]], to whom 'tis pain; &lt;br /&gt; O [[folly]]! for to bear [[all]] naked truths, &lt;br /&gt; And to envisage [[circumstance]], all [[calm]], &lt;br /&gt; That is the top of [[sovereignty]] Mark well!'' | author = John Keats }} | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=ce...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607320</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="553" sha1="k0dhr2gmrcjssokgbqqriik8wrdrbq1" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:John Keats by William Hilton.jpg|210px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;''[[Now]] comes the [[pain]] of [[truth]], to whom 'tis pain; &lt;br /&gt; O [[folly]]! for to bear [[all]] naked truths, &lt;br /&gt; And to envisage [[circumstance]], all [[calm]], &lt;br /&gt; That is the top of [[sovereignty]] Mark well!''
| author = John Keats
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:La Vérité - Luc-Olivier Merson - musée d'Orsay.jpg|422px]]
|}</text>
      <sha1>k0dhr2gmrcjssokgbqqriik8wrdrbq1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Yusef Salaam</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>280999</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607323</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:22:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''{{w|Yusef Salaam}}'''  {{stub}} ==QUOTES== * &quot;Over 30 years ago, Donald Trump took out full page ads calling for my execution,&quot; Mr Salaam tweeted on Tuesday night. &quot;On the day he was arrested and arraigned, here is my ad in response.&quot; ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65197862  Exonerated Central Park Five man lampoons Trump ad] (5 April 2023)  {{DEFAULTSORT:Salaam,Yusef}}&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607323</origin>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="389" sha1="9l9974gm1229lkiyneoqvkqa58r2eq9" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Yusef Salaam}}'''

{{stub}}
==QUOTES==
* &quot;Over 30 years ago, Donald Trump took out full page ads calling for my execution,&quot; Mr Salaam tweeted on Tuesday night. &quot;On the day he was arrested and arraigned, here is my ad in response.&quot;
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65197862  Exonerated Central Park Five man lampoons Trump ad] (5 April 2023)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Salaam,Yusef}}</text>
      <sha1>9l9974gm1229lkiyneoqvkqa58r2eq9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607325</id>
      <parentid>3607323</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:24:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>intro- copy&amp;paste from enwp</comment>
      <origin>3607325</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="725" sha1="dztjr2pw9fyw2328jfm81d9duqy1tkp" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Yusef Salaam}}''' (born 1974) is an American politician, motivational speaker, and activist currently serving as a member of the New York City Council, representing the city's 9th council district since 2024. A member of the Democratic Party, Salaam was one of the Exonerated Five who were wrongfully convicted of raping a woman in Central Park in 1989.

{{stub}}
==QUOTES==
* &quot;Over 30 years ago, Donald Trump took out full page ads calling for my execution,&quot; Mr Salaam tweeted on Tuesday night. &quot;On the day he was arrested and arraigned, here is my ad in response.&quot;
** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65197862  Exonerated Central Park Five man lampoons Trump ad] (5 April 2023)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Salaam,Yusef}}</text>
      <sha1>dztjr2pw9fyw2328jfm81d9duqy1tkp</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607327</id>
      <parentid>3607325</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:28:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* QUOTES */ Over 30 years ago, [[Donald Trump]] took out full page ads calling for my [[execution]]</comment>
      <origin>3607327</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="728" sha1="8kbb1njk1wzu6mubuflchgopbek2bes" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Yusef Salaam}}''' (born 1974) is an American politician, motivational speaker, and activist currently serving as a member of the New York City Council, representing the city's 9th council district since 2024. A member of the Democratic Party, Salaam was one of the Exonerated Five who were wrongfully convicted of raping a woman in Central Park in 1989.

{{stub}}
==QUOTES==
* Over 30 years ago, [[Donald Trump]] took out full page ads calling for my [[execution]]. On the day he was arrested and arraigned, here is my ad in response.
** &quot; Mr Salaam in a twit according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65197862  Exonerated Central Park Five man lampoons Trump ad] (5 April 2023)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Salaam,Yusef}}</text>
      <sha1>8kbb1njk1wzu6mubuflchgopbek2bes</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607329</id>
      <parentid>3607327</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:34:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>== Video clips == interview with [[Christiane Amanpour]] on [[CNN]]</comment>
      <origin>3607329</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1004" sha1="h73kpfls9eb0ef9kj3accvxmbxlf8yw" xml:space="preserve">'''{{w|Yusef Salaam}}''' (born 1974) is an American politician, motivational speaker, and activist currently serving as a member of the New York City Council, representing the city's 9th council district since 2024. A member of the Democratic Party, Salaam was one of the Exonerated Five who were wrongfully convicted of raping a woman in Central Park in 1989.

{{stub}}
==QUOTES==
* Over 30 years ago, [[Donald Trump]] took out full page ads calling for my [[execution]]. On the day he was arrested and arraigned, here is my ad in response.
** &quot; Mr Salaam in a twit according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65197862  Exonerated Central Park Five man lampoons Trump ad] (5 April 2023)


== Video clips ==
* [https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2024/04/11/amanpour-yusef-salaam-central-park-five-new-york-harlem.cnn 'The spikes of justice': Yusef Salaam on his journey from Central Park Five to New York City Council] interview with [[Christiane Amanpour]] on [[CNN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Salaam,Yusef}}</text>
      <sha1>h73kpfls9eb0ef9kj3accvxmbxlf8yw</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Aleph (letter)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281000</id>
    <redirect title="Aleph" />
    <revision>
      <id>3607331</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:35:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>BurningLibrary</username>
        <id>3137151</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Redirected page to [[Aleph]]</comment>
      <origin>3607331</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="19" sha1="lnmv7qhqjo1kerqkawhd415nraf2vms" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[Aleph]]</text>
      <sha1>lnmv7qhqjo1kerqkawhd415nraf2vms</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Scott Jennings</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281001</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607332</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:40:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>He did crap the bed today. The only question is whether he’s gonna roll around in it or get up and change the sheets</comment>
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      <text bytes="421" sha1="q5ka5407ourpkqbprn01f3ls4cnforq" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Scott Jennings }}

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* He did crap the bed today. The only question is whether he’s gonna roll around in it or get up and change the sheets.
* Talking about [[Donald Trump]] according to[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/scott-jennings--crap-the-bed_n_66ab0f23e4b050952a6f69d2 Trump 'Did Crap The Bed Today': Conservative Pundit Comes Out And Says It] (Aug 1, 2024)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jennings|Scott}}</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607333</id>
      <parentid>3607332</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:46:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>intro: copy&amp;paste selectively from enwd</comment>
      <origin>3607333</origin>
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      <text bytes="1284" sha1="50nr7wgki88spxsxr4jrdkk1ayj3lly" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Scott Jennings }}  (born October 26, 1977) is an American political strategist and writer. He is an on-air contributor for CNN and writes for CNN.com, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times. 

President George W. Bush appointed Jennings to the position of special assistant to the president and deputy director of political affairs in February 2006.[1] Jennings had previously served as a staff member of Bush's presidential campaign in Kentucky in 2000 and executive director of Bush's 2004 re-election campaign in New Mexico in 2004.

Jennings is on the speaking circuit, briefing groups on the political landscape and taking part in panel discussions.[7] He was a resident fellow at Harvard Institute of Politics in 2018, and became an adjunct lecturer at the Harvard Kennedy School in 2019. He also appears frequently on NPR's Morning Edition as a conservative political analyst

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* He did crap the bed today. The only question is whether he’s gonna roll around in it or get up and change the sheets.
* Talking about [[Donald Trump]] according to[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/scott-jennings--crap-the-bed_n_66ab0f23e4b050952a6f69d2 Trump 'Did Crap The Bed Today': Conservative Pundit Comes Out And Says It] (Aug 1, 2024)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jennings|Scott}}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607334</id>
      <parentid>3607333</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T00:48:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ottawahitech</username>
        <id>2443567</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>correction enwp (not enwd)</comment>
      <origin>3607334</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1283" sha1="apccg2rnxcpoxh1boowge1tacynmqe9" xml:space="preserve">{{w|Scott Jennings }}  (born October 26, 1977) is an American political strategist and writer. He is an on-air contributor for CNN and writes for CNN.com, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times. 

President George W. Bush appointed Jennings to the position of special assistant to the president and deputy director of political affairs in February 2006.[1] Jennings had previously served as a staff member of Bush's presidential campaign in Kentucky in 2000 and executive director of Bush's 2004 re-election campaign in New Mexico in 2004.

Jennings is on the speaking circuit, briefing groups on the political landscape and taking part in panel discussions.[7] He was a resident fellow at Harvard Institute of Politics in 2018, and became an adjunct lecturer at the Harvard Kennedy School in 2019. He also appears frequently on NPR's Morning Edition as a conservative political analyst

{{stub}}
== Quotes ==
* He did crap the bed today. The only question is whether he’s gonna roll around in it or get up and change the sheets.
* Talking about [[Donald Trump]] according to[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/scott-jennings--crap-the-bed_n_66ab0f23e4b050952a6f69d2 Trump 'Did Crap The Bed Today': Conservative Pundit Comes Out And Says It] (Aug 1, 2024)

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jennings|Scott}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/November 2024</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>281002</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607351</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:18:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>prep for coming month</comment>
      <origin>3607351</origin>
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      <text bytes="151" sha1="cctj9ex0oxcxulozkih8mvpks6hxp1h" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div align=&quot;center&quot; cellspacing=&quot;3&quot; style=&quot;margin: 0em 0em; border: 4px solid #A8A8A8; background-color: #C0C0C0;&quot;&gt;
&lt;center&gt;{{QoDList}}&lt;/center&gt;
&lt;/div&gt;</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:TP Thủ Đức 80A33338</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>281003</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607356</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T01:39:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TP Thủ Đức 80A33338</username>
        <id>3199423</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Thành Phố Thủ Đức</comment>
      <origin>3607356</origin>
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      <text bytes="2711" sha1="o3qu4zjg2lhvmmx0vqhx2rz6wt4ntkn" xml:space="preserve">{{Distinguish|text = [[Thành Phố Thủ Đức (urban district)]], the former urban district}}
{{other uses|Thủ Đức (disambiguation)}}
{{Expand Vietnamese|topic=geo}}
{{Infobox settlement
| name               = Thành Phố Thủ Đức
| official_name      = City of Thủ Đức&lt;br&gt;{{nobold|Thành phố Thủ Đức}}
| native_name_lang   = Thành phố Thủ Đức
| other_name         = Thành phố phía đông
| native_name        = 
| nickname           = Eastern City
| settlement_type    = [[Municipal city (Vietnam)| Municipality (Class-1)]]&lt;!-- e.g. Town, Village, City, etc.--&gt;
| total_type         = &lt;!-- to set a non-standard label for total area and population rows --&gt;
| motto              = &lt;!-- images and maps  -----------&gt;
| image_skyline      = Thu Duc seen from District 1 3.jpg
| imagesize          = 
| image_caption      = [[Thủ Thiêm New Urban Area]] viewed from District 1
| image_flag         = 
| flag_size          = 
| image_seal         = Logo TP Thu Duc.svg
| seal_size          = 100px
| image_shield       = 
| shield_size        = 
| image_blank_emblem = 
| blank_emblem_type  = 
| blank_emblem_size  = 
| image_map          = Thu Duc in Ho Chi Minh City.svg
| mapsize            = 
| map_caption        = Location of City of Thu Duc within Ho Chi Minh City
| image_map1         = {{maplink|frame=yes|plain=yes|type=shape|frame-width=280|frame-align=center|stroke-width=3}}
| mapsize1           = 
| map_caption1       = 
| image_dot_map      = 
| dot_mapsize        = 
| dot_map_caption    = 
| dot_x              = 
| dot_y              = 
| pushpin_map        = Vietnam &lt;!-- the name of a location map as per http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Location_map --&gt;
| pushpin_label_position = &lt;!-- the position of the pushpin label: left, right, top, bottom, none --&gt;
| pushpin_map_caption = 
| pushpin_mapsize    = 280
| subdivision_type   = Country
| subdivision_name   = {{flag|Vietnam}}
| subdivision_type1  = [[Municipalities of Vietnam|Municipality]]
| subdivision_name1  = [[Ho Chi Minh City]]
| parts_type         = [[Ward (Vietnam)|Wards]]
| parts              = 34
| government_type    = [[Municipal city (Vietnam)|Urban Governance]]
| governing_body     = City of Thu Duc People's Council
| leader_title1      = Secretary of [[Communist Party of Vietnam|CPV]]
| leader_name1       = Nguyễn Văn Hiếu&lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|last=Tá|first=Lâm|date=January 22, 2021|title=Nguyen Van Hieu to become a secretary of Thu Duc City Communist Party of Vietnam.|url=https://plo.vn/thoi-su/ong-nguyen-van-hieu-lam-bi-thu-tp-thu-duc-962989.html|archive-url=|archive-date=|access-date=|website=|language=vi}}&lt;/ref&gt;
| leader_title2      = Chairman of People's Council</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Flip Scipio</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607367</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T02:11:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Wil540 art</username>
        <id>3120752</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>making Wikiquote for Flip Scipio</comment>
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      <text bytes="465" sha1="ot963b3typjozk43m5vmykbeh2syh3f" xml:space="preserve">Flip Scipio, is an American luthier, owner-operator of Scipio Guitars.

==Quotes==
*“It’s part of the reason why I like repair so much, you get to meet these people you’d never otherwise meet and you hear their stories... all of the guitars have stories.”
**[https://mvmagazine.com/news/2019/12/01/made-moshup%E2%80%99s &quot;Made on Moshup's - From the top of the Island comes a timeless story of he glues, she glues&quot;.] Martha's Vineyard Magazine - Dec, 1, 2019</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Nitish Nirmal</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in over a hundred Hindi films. Border 2   {{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}} [[Category:Actors from India]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Martial artists]] [[Category:1998 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indian people]]&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="348" sha1="rv3d2cbsvtuhvkv5b4enz4h9sju2g15" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in over a hundred Hindi films. Border 2


{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Indian people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="412" sha1="sz3r6vl8twiujxsjhvgrd5wvpq1b9by" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in over a hundred Hindi films. Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;


{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Indian people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="641" sha1="sjqkaiz09s4010wj16now8fbq56wo81" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in over a hundred Hindi films. Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt;


{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Indian people]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607383</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:16:26Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="808" sha1="mk6ohas8x77qu3fxxyqe9c20c16ofhh" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in over a hundred Hindi films. Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt; (2) Retta Thala&lt;ref&gt;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/tamil/movies/news/arun-vijays-retta-thala-shooting-wrapped-up/amp_articleshow/114390357.cms&lt;/ref&gt;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Indian people]]</text>
      <sha1>mk6ohas8x77qu3fxxyqe9c20c16ofhh</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607384</id>
      <parentid>3607383</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:17:20Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>2409:40E4:2C:853A:8000:0:0:0</ip>
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      <text bytes="811" sha1="i9kzy0mo29hsrhdi5o0gg5sfemoa702" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in Hindi films. Upcoming Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt; (2) upcoming Retta Thala&lt;ref&gt;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/tamil/movies/news/arun-vijays-retta-thala-shooting-wrapped-up/amp_articleshow/114390357.cms&lt;/ref&gt;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Indian people]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607438</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T06:16:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2409:40E4:57:3403:8000:0:0:0</ip>
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      <text bytes="810" sha1="28atdf8ny9kousu4gnirebryls4uaub" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in Hindi films. Upcoming Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt; (2) upcoming Retta Thala&lt;ref&gt;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/tamil/movies/news/arun-vijays-retta-thala-shooting-wrapped-up/amp_articleshow/114390357.cms&lt;/ref&gt;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:India people]]</text>
      <sha1>28atdf8ny9kousu4gnirebryls4uaub</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607439</id>
      <parentid>3607438</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T06:16:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2409:40E4:57:3403:8000:0:0:0</ip>
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      <text bytes="810" sha1="50g2sf6yaunjzwlnultami7utxx2xva" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in Hindi films. Upcoming Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt; (2) upcoming Retta Thala&lt;ref&gt;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/tamil/movies/news/arun-vijays-retta-thala-shooting-wrapped-up/amp_articleshow/114390357.cms&lt;/ref&gt;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Bihar people]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607440</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T06:17:03Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>2409:40E4:57:3403:8000:0:0:0</ip>
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      <text bytes="784" sha1="0h8cxz5at1b7yejipe8dkityyy68a88" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w: Nirmal|Nitish Nirmal]]'''  (born 01 January 1998) is an Indian film actor who has appeared in Hindi films. Upcoming Border 2&lt;ref&gt;https://rojkadrama.com/border-2-cast-name-sunny-deol/&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://english.jagran.com/entertainment/varun-dhawan-becomes-fauji-in-sunny-deol-border-2-voices-patriotic-lines-in-latest-teaser-10182644&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;https://www.midstlive.com/bollywood/border-2-cast-crew-release-date/&lt;/ref&gt; (2) upcoming Retta Thala&lt;ref&gt;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/tamil/movies/news/arun-vijays-retta-thala-shooting-wrapped-up/amp_articleshow/114390357.cms&lt;/ref&gt;

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nirmal, Nitish}}
[[Category:Actors from India]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Martial artists]]
[[Category:1998 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Roger Hilsman</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281006</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607388</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T03:20:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ficaia</username>
        <id>3085955</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Roger Hilsman|Roger Hilsman Jr.]]''' (November 23, 1919 – February 23, 2014) was an American soldier, government official, political scientist, and author.  == Quotes ==  * In individual terms, I found being a guerrilla behind enemy lines considerably better than being a platoon leader in Merrill’s Marauders ... where I was told to lead my men straight into dug-in machine guns. Your only hope was that one or two men would still be on their feet when they got c...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="844" sha1="8jm4o6lcn23wwb5i21pl2jq80d0kpyo" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Roger Hilsman|Roger Hilsman Jr.]]''' (November 23, 1919 – February 23, 2014) was an American soldier, government official, political scientist, and author.

== Quotes ==

* In individual terms, I found being a guerrilla behind enemy lines considerably better than being a platoon leader in Merrill’s Marauders ... where I was told to lead my men straight into dug-in machine guns. Your only hope was that one or two men would still be on their feet when they got close enough to the pillbox to throw a grenade. In such circumstances, an infantry platoon leader could do almost nothing to influence the situation. His brains and skill were essentially irrelevant. The only thing that counted was his luck.
** ''American Guerrilla'' (1990)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1919 births]]
[[Category:2014 deaths]]</text>
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      <origin>3607391</origin>
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      <text bytes="1822" sha1="atbnlzuw9fcv9b209ugeed5yhrx2457" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Roger Hilsman|Roger Hilsman Jr.]]''' (November 23, 1919 – February 23, 2014) was an American soldier, government official, political scientist, and author.

== Quotes ==

* In individual terms, I found being a guerrilla behind enemy lines considerably better than being a platoon leader in Merrill’s Marauders ... where I was told to lead my men straight into dug-in machine guns. Your only hope was that one or two men would still be on their feet when they got close enough to the pillbox to throw a grenade. In such circumstances, an infantry platoon leader could do almost nothing to influence the situation. His brains and skill were essentially irrelevant. The only thing that counted was his luck.
* A guerrilla leader, on the other hand, could match his wits against the enemy’s. If he was careful about gathering intelligence, perceptive in analyzing it, and knowledgeable about the tactics and strategy of guerrilla operations, he could do a great deal of damage to the enemy and at the same time minimize the risk to his own men.
* A guerrilla leader can be successful only in very special circumstances. For us, the circumstances had not been perfect, but they had certainly been good. {{pb}} First and foremost is terrain. Guerrillas need cover to operate effectively—mountains, forest, or jungle. ... On mountain and jungle trails, guerrillas on foot are as mobile as a motorized enemy. It was the terrain that made it possible for us to find safety in constant movement, rarely spending two nights in the same place. 
* The second essential is the sympathy of the population. [[Mao Zedong]] used to say that guerrillas are fish swimming in the sea of the people. 
** ''American Guerrilla'' (1990)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1919 births]]
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  <page>
    <title>Kim Philby</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:Kim Philby 1955.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Harold Adrian Russell &quot;Kim&quot; Philby|Harold Adrian Russell &quot;Kim&quot; Philby]]''' (1 January 1912 – 11 May 1988) was a British intelligence officer and a spy for the Soviet Union. In 1963, he was revealed to be a member of the [[w:Cambridge Five|Cambridge Five]], a spy ring that had divulged British secrets to the Soviets during [[World War II]] and in the early stages of the [[Cold War]]. Of the five, Philby is believed to have been...&quot;</comment>
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'''[[w:Harold Adrian Russell &quot;Kim&quot; Philby|Harold Adrian Russell &quot;Kim&quot; Philby]]''' (1 January 1912 – 11 May 1988) was a British intelligence officer and a spy for the Soviet Union. In 1963, he was revealed to be a member of the [[w:Cambridge Five|Cambridge Five]], a spy ring that had divulged British secrets to the Soviets during [[World War II]] and in the early stages of the [[Cold War]]. Of the five, Philby is believed to have been the most successful in providing secret information to the Soviets.

== Quotes ==

* [[William Stephenson|Stephenson]]’s activity in the United States was regarded sourly enough by [[J. Edgar Hoover]]. The implication that the FBI was not capable of dealing with sabotage on American soil was wounding to a man of his raging vanity. He was incensed when Stephenson’s strong boys beat up or intoxicated the crews of ships loading Axis supplies. But the real reason for his suspicious resentment, which he never lost, was that Stephenson was playing politics in his own yard, and playing them pretty well. Hoover foresaw that the creation of [[William J. Donovan|Bill Donovan]]’s [[w:Office of Strategic Services|OSS]] would involve him in endless jurisdictional disputes. The new office would compete with the FBI for Federal funds. It would destroy his monopoly of the investigative field. The creation and survival of the new OSS organization was to be the only serious defeat suffered by Hoover in his political career—and his career has been all politics. He never forgave Stephenson for the part he played as midwife and nurse to OSS.
** ''My Silent War'' (1967)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1912 births]]
[[Category:1988 deaths]]
[[Category:Spies]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>William J. Donovan</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:William Joseph (Wild Bill) Donovan, Head of the OSS.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William J. Donovan|William Joseph &quot;Wild Bill&quot; Donovan]]''' KBE (January 1, 1883 – February 8, 1959) was an American soldier, lawyer, intelligence officer and diplomat.  == Quotes ==  * Our orientation has been wrong. We have been talking of aid to Britain as if Britain were a beggar at the gate, whereas, in point of fact, Britain has been our shield behind which we can pull up our socks, tie...&quot;</comment>
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'''[[w:William J. Donovan|William Joseph &quot;Wild Bill&quot; Donovan]]''' KBE (January 1, 1883 – February 8, 1959) was an American soldier, lawyer, intelligence officer and diplomat.

== Quotes ==

* Our orientation has been wrong. We have been talking of aid to Britain as if Britain were a beggar at the gate, whereas, in point of fact, Britain has been our shield behind which we can pull up our socks, tie our shoelaces and get ready—and also our laboratory.
** Speech (April 1941); reported in Allen Dulles, ''The Secret Surrender'' (1966)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}} 

[[Category:1883 births]]
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[[Category:Military leaders from the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="766" sha1="63j796r76t9lthkem476ofc6fdc457f" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William Joseph (Wild Bill) Donovan, Head of the OSS.jpg|thumb|]]
'''[[w:William J. Donovan|William Joseph &quot;Wild Bill&quot; Donovan]]''' KBE (January 1, 1883 – February 8, 1959) was an American soldier, lawyer, intelligence officer and diplomat.

== Quotes ==

* Our orientation has been wrong. We have been talking of aid to Britain as if Britain were a beggar at the gate, whereas, in point of fact, Britain has been our shield behind which we can pull up our socks, tie our shoelaces and get ready—and also our laboratory.
** Speech (April 1941); reported in [[Allen Dulles]], ''The Secret Surrender'' (1966)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}} 

[[Category:1883 births]]
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  <page>
    <title>Allen Dulles</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[File:Allen w dulles.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Allen Dulles|Allen Welsh Dulles]]''' (April 7, 1893 – January 29, 1969) was an American lawyer who was the first civilian Director of Central Intelligence (DCI), and its longest serving director.  == Quotes ==  * Since the beginning of the present European conflict the American public have been advised to keep their emotions under control. ... To recommend coolness is not to recommend indifference. ... A cause to which we incli...&quot;</comment>
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'''[[w:Allen Dulles|Allen Welsh Dulles]]''' (April 7, 1893 – January 29, 1969) was an American lawyer who was the first civilian Director of Central Intelligence (DCI), and its longest serving director.

== Quotes ==

* Since the beginning of the present European conflict the American public have been advised to keep their emotions under control. ... To recommend coolness is not to recommend indifference. ... A cause to which we incline emotionally is not for that reason wrong any more than it is for that reason right. ... The country should be slow to anger and should judge the acts of foreign governments in the light of our own national interests. This does not mean that Americans count the preservation of liberty here and the survival of human liberties in other countries as of only trifling importance in a world largely given over to ''Machtpolitik''. It would be a stupid foreign leader indeed who thought so.
** Allen W. Dulles and [[Hamilton Fish Armstrong]], ''Can America Stay Neutral?'' (1939)

== External links ==
* {{Wikipedia-inline}}

[[Category:1893 births]]
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[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Eva Lokko</title>
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'''Eva Naa Merley Lokko''' (died 6 October 2016). She was a Ghanaian civil servant, engineer and politician. She was the first woman to be chosen as the vice-presidential candidate of the Progressive People's Party (PPP). She partnered the flagbearer of the PPP, Paa Kwesi Nduom in the 2012 presidential and parliamentary election. She was also the first female Director General of the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation.</text>
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'''Eva Naa Merley Lokko''' (died 6 October 2016). She was a Ghanaian civil servant, engineer and politician. She was the first woman to be chosen as the vice-presidential candidate of the Progressive People's Party (PPP). She partnered the flagbearer of the PPP, Paa Kwesi Nduom in the 2012 presidential and parliamentary election. She was also the first female Director General of the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation.

== Quotes ==
* We had a lot of women’s associations from legal, security, education and from human rights. They were all there and they were all supportive and actually spoke and said they were very happy that the PPP has kept its promise.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* It’s very nice and encouraging that you are chosen from a process that you are not even aware off and that is all structured and it’s based on criteria, and that I wasn’t selected because I happen to be a woman.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* What they presented to us was that they were looking for somebody who is incorruptible, who has competence, and who is interested in job creation, quality education, quality health, somebody who has proven him or herself and somebody who can stand firm for what is right.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]</text>
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'''Eva Naa Merley Lokko''' (died 6 October 2016). She was a Ghanaian civil servant, engineer and politician. She was the first woman to be chosen as the vice-presidential candidate of the Progressive People's Party (PPP). She partnered the flagbearer of the PPP, Paa Kwesi Nduom in the 2012 presidential and parliamentary election. She was also the first female Director General of the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation.

== Quotes ==
* We had a lot of women’s associations from legal, security, education and from human rights. They were all there and they were all supportive and actually spoke and said they were very happy that the PPP has kept its promise.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* It’s very nice and encouraging that you are chosen from a process that you are not even aware off and that is all structured and it’s based on criteria, and that I wasn’t selected because I happen to be a woman.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* What they presented to us was that they were looking for somebody who is incorruptible, who has competence, and who is interested in job creation, quality education, quality health, somebody who has proven him or herself and somebody who can stand firm for what is right.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* But the insults must stop, if they don't stop it won't stop me, I will go ahead, I have a team with me and I think that I have Ghana with me. Because all want to develop Ghana so if people will throw mud that won't be a big deal.
** [https://mobile.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Insults-and-criticisms-won-t-stop-me-Eva-Lokko-250437/]
* Am a mother and every mother has to deal with difficult situation so definitely in terms of stress, terms or whatever it takes I will be okay.
** [https://mobile.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Insults-and-criticisms-won-t-stop-me-Eva-Lokko-250437/]</text>
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'''Eva Naa Merley Lokko''' (died 6 October 2016). She was a [[Ghana|Ghanaian]] civil servant, engineer and [[Politicians|politician]]. She was the first woman to be chosen as the vice-presidential candidate of the Progressive People's Party (PPP). She partnered the flagbearer of the PPP, Paa Kwesi Nduom in the 2012 presidential and [[Parliamentary system|parliamentary]] election. She was also the first female Director General of the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation.

== Quotes ==
* We had a lot of women’s associations from legal, security, education and from human rights. They were all there and they were all supportive and actually spoke and said they were very happy that the PPP has kept its promise.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* It’s very nice and encouraging that you are chosen from a process that you are not even aware off and that is all structured and it’s based on criteria, and that I wasn’t selected because I happen to be a woman.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* What they presented to us was that they were looking for somebody who is incorruptible, who has competence, and who is interested in job creation, quality education, quality health, somebody who has proven him or herself and somebody who can stand firm for what is right.
** [https://www.voanews.com/a/ghana-opposition-party-picks-female-vp-candidate/1507630.html/]
* But the insults must stop, if they don't stop it won't stop me, I will go ahead, I have a team with me and I think that I have Ghana with me. Because all want to develop Ghana so if people will throw mud that won't be a big deal.
** [https://mobile.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Insults-and-criticisms-won-t-stop-me-Eva-Lokko-250437/]
* Am a mother and every mother has to deal with difficult situation so definitely in terms of stress, terms or whatever it takes I will be okay.
** [https://mobile.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Insults-and-criticisms-won-t-stop-me-Eva-Lokko-250437/]

== Reference Links ==
https://www.pppghana.org/2016/10/07/a-short-biography-of-eva-lokko/</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Mumbi Maina</title>
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      <text bytes="710" sha1="69berd71lftr7p72qy8vnrxls9ykrti" xml:space="preserve">Mumbi Maina (born 14 January 1985) is a Kenyan actress known for her role in the soap opera Mali. She is an actor and dancer who has starred in both local and international films since 2009.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot;I tend to play very twisted, complex and controversial characters. i like layered roles because that is what i think the human experience is. There are always twists and turns that shape us&quot;
https://nation.africa/kenya/life-and-style/lifestyle/the-rise-and-rise-of-actress-mumbi-maina-4274156


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      <text bytes="716" sha1="k6rztcewco3tytqrmc6as9azatkmua5" xml:space="preserve">Mumbi Maina (born 14 January 1985) is a Kenyan actress known for her role in the soap opera Mali. She is an actor and dancer who has starred in both local and international films since 2009.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;I tend to play very twisted, complex and controversial characters. i like layered roles because that is what i think the human experience is. There are always twists and turns that shape us&quot;
**
https://nation.africa/kenya/life-and-style/lifestyle/the-rise-and-rise-of-actress-mumbi-maina-4274156


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      <text bytes="846" sha1="p6lxorzn6xgwyqsr2ee2fzti7xy9gbw" xml:space="preserve">Mumbi Maina (born 14 January 1985) is a Kenyan actress known for her role in the soap opera Mali. She is an actor and dancer who has starred in both local and international films since 2009.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;I tend to play very twisted, complex and controversial characters. i like layered roles because that is what i think the human experience is. There are always twists and turns that shape us&quot;
**** &quot;On set, it is important to be mindful when you are talking to actors as everyone has their own way of getting into characters&quot;
https://nation.africa/kenya/life-and-style/lifestyle/the-rise-and-rise-of-actress-mumbi-maina-4274156


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      <text bytes="847" sha1="m0o3zph3asghi6la4bmbd4vxpcoytzf" xml:space="preserve">Mumbi Maina (born 14 January 1985) is a Kenyan actress known for her role in the soap opera Mali. She is an actor and dancer who has starred in both local and international films since 2009.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;I tend to play very twisted, complex and controversial characters. i like layered roles because that is what i think the human experience is. There are always twists and turns that shape us&quot;
** ** &quot;On set, it is important to be mindful when you are talking to actors as everyone has their own way of getting into characters&quot;
https://nation.africa/kenya/life-and-style/lifestyle/the-rise-and-rise-of-actress-mumbi-maina-4274156


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  <page>
    <title>Round the Twist</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{tv-cleanup}} {{italic title}} '''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]]| [[Round the Twist|Main]] ---------------- {{w|Round the Twist|'''''Round the Twist'''''}} is an Australian children's comedy drama television series which follows the supernatural adventures of the Twist family, who leave their conventional residence to live in a lighthouse, in the fictio...&quot;</comment>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]]| [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
{{w|Round the Twist|'''''Round the Twist'''''}} is an Australian children's comedy drama television series which follows the supernatural adventures of the Twist family, who leave their conventional residence to live in a lighthouse, in the fictional coastal town of Port Niranda.

==Seasons==
* [[Round the Twist (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 2)|Season 2]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 3)|Season 3]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 4)|Season 4]]

==Cast==
* Richard Moir
* Andrew Gilbert

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Round the Twist}}

[[Category:Australian children's TV shows]]</text>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
{{w|Round the Twist|'''''Round the Twist'''''}} is an Australian children's comedy drama television series which follows the supernatural adventures of the Twist family, who leave their conventional residence to live in a lighthouse, in the fictional coastal town of Port Niranda.

==Seasons==
* [[Round the Twist (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 2)|Season 2]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 3)|Season 3]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 4)|Season 4]]

==Cast==
* Richard Moir
* Andrew Gilbert

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Round the Twist}}

[[Category:Australian children's TV shows]]</text>
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{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
{{w|Round the Twist|'''''Round the Twist'''''}} is an Australian children's comedy drama television series which follows the supernatural adventures of the Twist family, who leave their conventional residence to live in a lighthouse, in the fictional coastal town of Port Niranda.

==Seasons==
* [[Round the Twist (season 1)|Season 1]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 2)|Season 2]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 3)|Season 3]]
* [[Round the Twist (season 4)|Season 4]]

==Cast==
* Richard Moir
* Andrew Gilbert

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Round the Twist}}

[[Category:Round the Twist]]
[[Category:Australian children's TV shows]]</text>
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    <title>Candyman</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Candyman|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992 American slasher horror film]] about Helen Lyle, a [[w:Chicago University|Chicago University]] grad student who investigates The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend. :''Directed by [[w:Bernard Rose|Bernard Rose]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].'' {{center|'''We dare you to say his name five times!''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="14964" sha1="65u1z9tki2czm4e0o565y6mghy66fy1" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992 American slasher horror film]] about Helen Lyle, a [[w:Chicago University|Chicago University]] grad student who investigates The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Bernard Rose|Bernard Rose]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].''
{{center|'''We dare you to say his name five times!''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Helen Lyle==
* [''A supernatural Helen appears behind Trevor''] What's the matter, Trevor? Scared of something? [''Proceeds to slash Trevor with a Candyman hook'']
* [''Convincing Bernadette to visit the [[w:Cabrini–Green Homes|Cabrini-Green projects]]''] Okay, let's just turn around then. Let's just go back, and we can write a nice little, boring thesis regurgitating all the usual crap about urban legend. We've got a real shot here, Bernadette. An entire community starts attributing the daily horrors of their lives to a mythical figure.
* '''YOU LIED TO ME!'''
* [''Reading graffiti aloud''] Sweets... to... the sweet?
* [''To Orderly leaving with her strapped to hospital bed''] Where are you going?! No, you can't leave me here! I can't defend myself!

==Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh==
* [''To Helen knocking mirror out of medicine cabinet''] Helen, be careful! The could be somebody on the toilet!

==Trevor Lyle==
* [''Giving a University lecture''] Now, why would Danny and Diane both be suffering from the same delusion in two cities over 1,000 miles apart? Let's face it, folks. There are no alligators in the sewers. No, it's... It's around the campfire. It's bedtime stories. See, these stories are modern oral folklore. They are the unselfconscious reflection of the fears of urban society.

==Candyman==
* [''Narrating over swarm of bees''] They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What's blood for if not for shedding? With my hook for a hand, I'll split you from your groin to your gullet. I came for you.
* [''To Helen''] I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom. Without these things, I am nothing. So now, I must shed innocent blood. Come with me.
* [''Dancing with Helen''] The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite. As for our deaths, there is nothing to fear. Our names will be written on a thousand walls. Our crimes told and retold by our faithful believers. We shall die together in front of their very eyes and give them something to be haunted by. Come with me and be immortal. [''Candyman opens jacket to reveal a hollow chest and a mouth full of bees'']
* [''To Helen seeing herself in a wall drawing''] It was always you, Helen. It was always you.
* [''Showing her the hook on his bloody stump''] Be my victim. Be my victim.
* [''To Helen over wanting to live''] Why do you want to live? If you had learned just a little from me, you would not beg to live. I am rumor. It is a blessed condition, believe me. To be whispered about at street corners. To live in other people's dreams, but not to have to be. Do you understand?
* [''To Helen that her death will be a tale to frighten children''] Your death will be a tale to frighten children, to make lovers cling closer in their rapture. Come with me, and be immortal.
* [''Walking up to Helen as she remains hypnotized by him''] You were not content with the stories, so I was obliged to come.
* ''COME BACK TO ME, HELEN! COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK!''

==Monica==
* This is the scariest story I ever heard and it's totally true. It happened a few years ago near [[w:Moses Lake|Moses Lake]] in [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]. Clara was babysitting for the Johnsons, and, uh... Billy pulls up on his motorcycle. She wasn't even going out with Billy, she was actually going out with Michael for about six months. But, um... she always kind of had the hots for Billy, 'cause he was like a bad boy. And Michael was... he was just so nice. So anyway, she decides that tonight's the night, that she's going to give Billy what she never gave to Michael.

==Professor Philip Purcell==
* [''Reciting to Helen and colleagues the legend of Candyman in a restaurant''] The legend first appeared in 1890. Candyman was the son of a slave. His father had amassed a considerable fortune from designing a device for the mass producing of shoes after the Civil War. Candyman had been sent to all the best schools and had grown up in polite society. He had a prodigious talent as an artist and was much sought after when it came to the documenting of one's wealth and position in society in a portrait. Well, it was in this latter capacity, that he was commissioned by a wealthy landowner to capture his daughter's virginal beauty. Well, of course, they fell deeply in love and she became pregnant. Hmm... poor Candyman. Her father executed a terrible revenge. He paid a pack of brutal hooligans to do the deed. They chased Candyman through the town to Cabrini Green, where they proceeded to saw off his right hand with a rusty blade. And no one came to his aid. For this was just the beginning of his ordeal. Nearby there was an apiary. Dozens of hives, filled with hungry bees. They smashed the hive and stole the honeycomb and smeared it over his prone, naked body. Candyman was stung to death by the bees. They burned his body on a giant pyre and then scattered his ashes over Cabrini Green.

==Jake==
* [''Referring to a Candyman's victim boy [[w:castration|whose crotch was hacked off]] by the Candyman''] They found 'it' floating in the toilet... can't fix that, you're better off dead.

==Anne-Marie McCoy==
* You say you're doing a study? What 'you gonna study? How we're bad? We steal? We gang-bang? We're ALL on drugs right?... We ain't all like them assholes downstairs, you know. I just wanna raise my child good.

==Clara==
* [''Reciting Candyman with Billy who is touches her body from behind then turns around to face Billy''] No one ever got past four.

==Faux Candyman Gang Leader==
* [''To Helen in haunted washroom''] I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. [''Holds Helen by her neck''] Well, you found him! [''Swings the back of his hook across her face'']

==Dialogue==
:'''Candyman: [''Helen sees Candyman for the first time''] Helen.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yes?
:'''Candyman: Helen...
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Sees Candyman in the distance''] Who is that? Who is that?
:'''Candyman: Helen... I came for you.

----
:'''Clara: [''Asking Billy if he's ever heard of Candyman''] Have you ever heard of Candyman?
:'''Billy: No.
:'''Clara: Well, his right hand is sawn off, and he has a hook jammed in the bloody stump. And if you look in the mirror... and you say his name five times... he'll appear behind you, breathing down your neck. You want to try it?

----
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Talking to boy Jake about Candyman''] You know, it's okay to talk to me, Jake... because I'm not a cop so nobody's going to get in trouble.
:'''Jake: I can't say nothing or Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle: Candyman, huh? You scared of him?
:'''Jake: I ain't scared of nobody but you're crazy walking in here on your own. It ain't safe around here.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yeah, I know. But I don't scare too easy either, Jake.

----
:'''Monica''': She looked in the mirror, and I don't know why, but she said his name the last time.
:'''Clara''': Candyman.
:'''Monica''':  She turned out the lights... and what he saw turned his hair white from shock. Killed her. Split her open with his hook, and then killed the baby, too. And Billy got away but soon after, he went crazy.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': You want to know about Ruthie Jean? They all been here, you know? Newspapers, cops, case workers... they all want to know. I heard her screaming. I heard right through the walls. I dialed 911. Nobody came. Nobody came. Everybody scared. He could come right through these walls, you know? I'm scared. Scared for my child. They ain't never gonna catch him.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Who?
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': Candyman.

----
:'''Candyman''': Do you believe in me?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Keep away from me!
:'''Candyman''': I have the child. Allow me to take you or he will die in your place. Your disbelief destroyed the faith of my congregation. Without them, I am nothing, so I was obliged to come. And now I must kill you.

----
:'''Candyman''': [''Hovering over Helen lying strapped down on hospital bed''] What do the good know except what the bad teach them by their excesses?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer.
:'''Candyman''': Allow me at least a kiss. Just one exquisite kiss.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer! Help! Listen, he's under the bed! Listen, he's here. He's under the bed!

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Unstrapped from hospital bed by Orderly''] I'd like to speak to my husband.
:'''Orderly''': [''Chuckles''] So would I.
:'''Helen Lyle''': What time is it? Where are we going?
:'''Orderly''': We're going to [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]].

----
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub, and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean. And she heard this banging and smashing like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So Ruthie called 911, and she said, 'There's somebody coming through the walls.' And they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Hm-mmm. So then she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No. Um... she was killed with a hook.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': [''Makes a slice sound''] It's true. Yeah it is. I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but, uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Sits up from the chair to leave'']

----
:[''Helen shows Bernadette a newspaper article of the Candyman murders'']
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Helen, this is sick. This isn't one of your fairy tales. The woman got killed here!
:'''Helen Lyle''': That's not the half of it.

----
:[''Helen and Bernadette are driving into the Cabrini-Green projects to investigate the Candyman murders'']
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Sees a Taser in Bernadette's purse''] What's with the arsenal, Bernadette? We're only going eight blocks.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': You're the one who got us dressed up like cops.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I said just dress up conservatively.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Yeah, well we look like cops.

----
:'''Jake''': Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Candyman isn't real. He's just a story. You know, like Dracula. Or... Or Frankenstein. A bad man took his name so that he could scare us. But now that's he's locked up everything's going to be okay.

----
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh: I'm sure we're going to have something for you in a week or so, but we only went to Cabrini today and...
:'''Professor Philip Purcell: [''Unnecessarily loud''] ''AH! CABRINI GREEN!'' Candyman country...

----
:'''Student: So, uh, what's the deal? You guys doing a page on serial killers or something?
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Lights a cigarette''] Something like that.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': [[w:White people|White people]] never come 'round here except to cause us a problem.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Believe me, that's not what we want to do.

----
:'''Detective''': [''Disgustedly''] Where's the baby?
:'''Helen Lyle''': ...I don't know.
:'''Detective''': You're sick.

----
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Can I clean your room?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Oh, yeah, sure. Don't mind me. [''Continues typing out taped interview about the legend of Candyman'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Candyman, huh? You doing a study on him?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Yes. What do you know about him?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Everybody scared of him once it get dark. He over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Cabrini Green?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Yeah, over in the projects. My friend lives over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Can I speak to your friend?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Sure. [''Peers into the hallway''] Kitty?
:'''Kitty Culver: Yeah, what do you want?
:'''Helen Lyle''': The lady in here wanna talk to you. [''Kitty puts mop down and walks over'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': She coming.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I'm Helen Lyle.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm Henrietta Mosely and this is Kitty Culver. Go on, tell her what you told me about Candyman.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean and she heard this banging and smashing, like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So, Ruthie called 911 and said that there's somebody coming through the walls, and they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Mm-hmm. So, she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No, um... she was killed with a hook. *Imitates slashing noise*
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': It's true. Yeah, it is, I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Looks at Henrietta and gets up out of chair'']

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': What's the problem?
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': [''Annoyedly''] A woman died in there leave it.

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Climbs out of wall hole''] Bernadette I ran out of film we gotta go back.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': No way! ''NO WAY HELEN WE'RE LEAVING!''

==Cast==
*[[w:Virginia Madsen|Virginia Madsen]] as Helen Lyle
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as The Candyman
*[[w:Xander Berkeley|Xander Berkeley]] as Trevor Lyle
*[[w:Kasi Lemmons|Kasi Lemmons]] as Bernadette Walsh
*[[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]] as Anne-Marie McCoy
*[[w:DeJuan Guy|DeJuan Guy]]as Jake
*[[w:Marianna Elliott|Marianna Elliott]] as Clara
*[[w:Ted Raimi|Ted Raimi]] as Billy
*[[w:Ria Pavia|Ria Pavia]] as Monica
*[[w:Mark Daniels|Mark Daniels]] as Student
*[[w:Lisa Ann Poggi|Lisa Ann Poggi]] as Diane
*[[w:Adam Philipson|Adam Philipson]] as Danny
*[[w:Eric Edwards|Eric Edwards]] as Harold
*[[w:Carolyn Lowery|Carolyn Lowery]] as Stacey
*[[w:Barbara Alston|Barbara Alston]]as Henrietta Mosely
*[[w:Sarina C. Grant|Sarina C. Grant]] as Kitty Culver

==Taglines==
* You don't have to believe... just beware.
* Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman... Don't Say Again!
* From the chilling imagination of Clive Barker.

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0103919}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman|title=Candyman}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Illinois]]</text>
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      <comment>Redirected page to [[Candyman (1992 film)]]</comment>
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    <title>Category:Films about bounty hunters</title>
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        <id>3198559</id>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[Category:Films by theme|Bounty hunters]] [[Category:Crime films]]&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607489</origin>
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      <text bytes="67" sha1="tcnenrrikxo8nroa17o4ybw4tbeuqpm" xml:space="preserve">[[Category:Films by theme|Bounty hunters]]
[[Category:Crime films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Round the Twist (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <contributor>
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      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{tv-cleanup}} {{italic title}} '''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]] ---------------- The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.  ==Skeleton On The Dunny==  ==Birdsdo==  ==A Good Tip For Ghosts==  ==The Cabbage Patch Fib==  ==Spaghetti Pig-Out==  ==The Gum Leaf War==  ==Santa Claws==...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607491</origin>
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      <text bytes="702" sha1="8h8ycisg8wllj0q5zrb7z0utb3epkpa" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==Skeleton On The Dunny==

==Birdsdo==

==A Good Tip For Ghosts==

==The Cabbage Patch Fib==

==Spaghetti Pig-Out==

==The Gum Leaf War==

==Santa Claws==

==Wunderpants==

==Lucky Lips==

==Know All==

==The Copy==

==Without My Pants==

==Lighthouse Blues==

==External links==
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>8h8ycisg8wllj0q5zrb7z0utb3epkpa</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607495</id>
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      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:18:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* External links */</comment>
      <origin>3607495</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="700" sha1="i2kkebx284d6qlt79g2x0wk75fiy92r" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==Skeleton On The Dunny==

==Birdsdo==

==A Good Tip For Ghosts==

==The Cabbage Patch Fib==

==Spaghetti Pig-Out==

==The Gum Leaf War==

==Santa Claws==

==Wunderpants==

==Lucky Lips==

==Know All==

==The Copy==

==Without My Pants==

==Lighthouse Blues==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Candyman (1992 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3607492</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:15:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Candyman|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992 American slasher horror film]] about Helen Lyle, a [[w:Chicago University|Chicago University]] grad student who investigates The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend. :''Directed by [[w:Bernard Rose|Bernard Rose]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].'' {{center|'''We dare you to say his name five times!''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607492</origin>
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      <text bytes="14964" sha1="65u1z9tki2czm4e0o565y6mghy66fy1" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992 American slasher horror film]] about Helen Lyle, a [[w:Chicago University|Chicago University]] grad student who investigates The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Bernard Rose|Bernard Rose]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].''
{{center|'''We dare you to say his name five times!''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Helen Lyle==
* [''A supernatural Helen appears behind Trevor''] What's the matter, Trevor? Scared of something? [''Proceeds to slash Trevor with a Candyman hook'']
* [''Convincing Bernadette to visit the [[w:Cabrini–Green Homes|Cabrini-Green projects]]''] Okay, let's just turn around then. Let's just go back, and we can write a nice little, boring thesis regurgitating all the usual crap about urban legend. We've got a real shot here, Bernadette. An entire community starts attributing the daily horrors of their lives to a mythical figure.
* '''YOU LIED TO ME!'''
* [''Reading graffiti aloud''] Sweets... to... the sweet?
* [''To Orderly leaving with her strapped to hospital bed''] Where are you going?! No, you can't leave me here! I can't defend myself!

==Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh==
* [''To Helen knocking mirror out of medicine cabinet''] Helen, be careful! The could be somebody on the toilet!

==Trevor Lyle==
* [''Giving a University lecture''] Now, why would Danny and Diane both be suffering from the same delusion in two cities over 1,000 miles apart? Let's face it, folks. There are no alligators in the sewers. No, it's... It's around the campfire. It's bedtime stories. See, these stories are modern oral folklore. They are the unselfconscious reflection of the fears of urban society.

==Candyman==
* [''Narrating over swarm of bees''] They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What's blood for if not for shedding? With my hook for a hand, I'll split you from your groin to your gullet. I came for you.
* [''To Helen''] I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom. Without these things, I am nothing. So now, I must shed innocent blood. Come with me.
* [''Dancing with Helen''] The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite. As for our deaths, there is nothing to fear. Our names will be written on a thousand walls. Our crimes told and retold by our faithful believers. We shall die together in front of their very eyes and give them something to be haunted by. Come with me and be immortal. [''Candyman opens jacket to reveal a hollow chest and a mouth full of bees'']
* [''To Helen seeing herself in a wall drawing''] It was always you, Helen. It was always you.
* [''Showing her the hook on his bloody stump''] Be my victim. Be my victim.
* [''To Helen over wanting to live''] Why do you want to live? If you had learned just a little from me, you would not beg to live. I am rumor. It is a blessed condition, believe me. To be whispered about at street corners. To live in other people's dreams, but not to have to be. Do you understand?
* [''To Helen that her death will be a tale to frighten children''] Your death will be a tale to frighten children, to make lovers cling closer in their rapture. Come with me, and be immortal.
* [''Walking up to Helen as she remains hypnotized by him''] You were not content with the stories, so I was obliged to come.
* ''COME BACK TO ME, HELEN! COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK!''

==Monica==
* This is the scariest story I ever heard and it's totally true. It happened a few years ago near [[w:Moses Lake|Moses Lake]] in [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]. Clara was babysitting for the Johnsons, and, uh... Billy pulls up on his motorcycle. She wasn't even going out with Billy, she was actually going out with Michael for about six months. But, um... she always kind of had the hots for Billy, 'cause he was like a bad boy. And Michael was... he was just so nice. So anyway, she decides that tonight's the night, that she's going to give Billy what she never gave to Michael.

==Professor Philip Purcell==
* [''Reciting to Helen and colleagues the legend of Candyman in a restaurant''] The legend first appeared in 1890. Candyman was the son of a slave. His father had amassed a considerable fortune from designing a device for the mass producing of shoes after the Civil War. Candyman had been sent to all the best schools and had grown up in polite society. He had a prodigious talent as an artist and was much sought after when it came to the documenting of one's wealth and position in society in a portrait. Well, it was in this latter capacity, that he was commissioned by a wealthy landowner to capture his daughter's virginal beauty. Well, of course, they fell deeply in love and she became pregnant. Hmm... poor Candyman. Her father executed a terrible revenge. He paid a pack of brutal hooligans to do the deed. They chased Candyman through the town to Cabrini Green, where they proceeded to saw off his right hand with a rusty blade. And no one came to his aid. For this was just the beginning of his ordeal. Nearby there was an apiary. Dozens of hives, filled with hungry bees. They smashed the hive and stole the honeycomb and smeared it over his prone, naked body. Candyman was stung to death by the bees. They burned his body on a giant pyre and then scattered his ashes over Cabrini Green.

==Jake==
* [''Referring to a Candyman's victim boy [[w:castration|whose crotch was hacked off]] by the Candyman''] They found 'it' floating in the toilet... can't fix that, you're better off dead.

==Anne-Marie McCoy==
* You say you're doing a study? What 'you gonna study? How we're bad? We steal? We gang-bang? We're ALL on drugs right?... We ain't all like them assholes downstairs, you know. I just wanna raise my child good.

==Clara==
* [''Reciting Candyman with Billy who is touches her body from behind then turns around to face Billy''] No one ever got past four.

==Faux Candyman Gang Leader==
* [''To Helen in haunted washroom''] I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. [''Holds Helen by her neck''] Well, you found him! [''Swings the back of his hook across her face'']

==Dialogue==
:'''Candyman: [''Helen sees Candyman for the first time''] Helen.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yes?
:'''Candyman: Helen...
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Sees Candyman in the distance''] Who is that? Who is that?
:'''Candyman: Helen... I came for you.

----
:'''Clara: [''Asking Billy if he's ever heard of Candyman''] Have you ever heard of Candyman?
:'''Billy: No.
:'''Clara: Well, his right hand is sawn off, and he has a hook jammed in the bloody stump. And if you look in the mirror... and you say his name five times... he'll appear behind you, breathing down your neck. You want to try it?

----
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Talking to boy Jake about Candyman''] You know, it's okay to talk to me, Jake... because I'm not a cop so nobody's going to get in trouble.
:'''Jake: I can't say nothing or Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle: Candyman, huh? You scared of him?
:'''Jake: I ain't scared of nobody but you're crazy walking in here on your own. It ain't safe around here.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yeah, I know. But I don't scare too easy either, Jake.

----
:'''Monica''': She looked in the mirror, and I don't know why, but she said his name the last time.
:'''Clara''': Candyman.
:'''Monica''':  She turned out the lights... and what he saw turned his hair white from shock. Killed her. Split her open with his hook, and then killed the baby, too. And Billy got away but soon after, he went crazy.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': You want to know about Ruthie Jean? They all been here, you know? Newspapers, cops, case workers... they all want to know. I heard her screaming. I heard right through the walls. I dialed 911. Nobody came. Nobody came. Everybody scared. He could come right through these walls, you know? I'm scared. Scared for my child. They ain't never gonna catch him.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Who?
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': Candyman.

----
:'''Candyman''': Do you believe in me?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Keep away from me!
:'''Candyman''': I have the child. Allow me to take you or he will die in your place. Your disbelief destroyed the faith of my congregation. Without them, I am nothing, so I was obliged to come. And now I must kill you.

----
:'''Candyman''': [''Hovering over Helen lying strapped down on hospital bed''] What do the good know except what the bad teach them by their excesses?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer.
:'''Candyman''': Allow me at least a kiss. Just one exquisite kiss.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer! Help! Listen, he's under the bed! Listen, he's here. He's under the bed!

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Unstrapped from hospital bed by Orderly''] I'd like to speak to my husband.
:'''Orderly''': [''Chuckles''] So would I.
:'''Helen Lyle''': What time is it? Where are we going?
:'''Orderly''': We're going to [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]].

----
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub, and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean. And she heard this banging and smashing like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So Ruthie called 911, and she said, 'There's somebody coming through the walls.' And they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Hm-mmm. So then she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No. Um... she was killed with a hook.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': [''Makes a slice sound''] It's true. Yeah it is. I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but, uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Sits up from the chair to leave'']

----
:[''Helen shows Bernadette a newspaper article of the Candyman murders'']
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Helen, this is sick. This isn't one of your fairy tales. The woman got killed here!
:'''Helen Lyle''': That's not the half of it.

----
:[''Helen and Bernadette are driving into the Cabrini-Green projects to investigate the Candyman murders'']
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Sees a Taser in Bernadette's purse''] What's with the arsenal, Bernadette? We're only going eight blocks.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': You're the one who got us dressed up like cops.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I said just dress up conservatively.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Yeah, well we look like cops.

----
:'''Jake''': Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Candyman isn't real. He's just a story. You know, like Dracula. Or... Or Frankenstein. A bad man took his name so that he could scare us. But now that's he's locked up everything's going to be okay.

----
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh: I'm sure we're going to have something for you in a week or so, but we only went to Cabrini today and...
:'''Professor Philip Purcell: [''Unnecessarily loud''] ''AH! CABRINI GREEN!'' Candyman country...

----
:'''Student: So, uh, what's the deal? You guys doing a page on serial killers or something?
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Lights a cigarette''] Something like that.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': [[w:White people|White people]] never come 'round here except to cause us a problem.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Believe me, that's not what we want to do.

----
:'''Detective''': [''Disgustedly''] Where's the baby?
:'''Helen Lyle''': ...I don't know.
:'''Detective''': You're sick.

----
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Can I clean your room?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Oh, yeah, sure. Don't mind me. [''Continues typing out taped interview about the legend of Candyman'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Candyman, huh? You doing a study on him?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Yes. What do you know about him?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Everybody scared of him once it get dark. He over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Cabrini Green?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Yeah, over in the projects. My friend lives over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Can I speak to your friend?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Sure. [''Peers into the hallway''] Kitty?
:'''Kitty Culver: Yeah, what do you want?
:'''Helen Lyle''': The lady in here wanna talk to you. [''Kitty puts mop down and walks over'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': She coming.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I'm Helen Lyle.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm Henrietta Mosely and this is Kitty Culver. Go on, tell her what you told me about Candyman.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean and she heard this banging and smashing, like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So, Ruthie called 911 and said that there's somebody coming through the walls, and they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Mm-hmm. So, she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No, um... she was killed with a hook. *Imitates slashing noise*
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': It's true. Yeah, it is, I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Looks at Henrietta and gets up out of chair'']

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': What's the problem?
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': [''Annoyedly''] A woman died in there leave it.

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Climbs out of wall hole''] Bernadette I ran out of film we gotta go back.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': No way! ''NO WAY HELEN WE'RE LEAVING!''

==Cast==
*[[w:Virginia Madsen|Virginia Madsen]] as Helen Lyle
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as The Candyman
*[[w:Xander Berkeley|Xander Berkeley]] as Trevor Lyle
*[[w:Kasi Lemmons|Kasi Lemmons]] as Bernadette Walsh
*[[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]] as Anne-Marie McCoy
*[[w:DeJuan Guy|DeJuan Guy]]as Jake
*[[w:Marianna Elliott|Marianna Elliott]] as Clara
*[[w:Ted Raimi|Ted Raimi]] as Billy
*[[w:Ria Pavia|Ria Pavia]] as Monica
*[[w:Mark Daniels|Mark Daniels]] as Student
*[[w:Lisa Ann Poggi|Lisa Ann Poggi]] as Diane
*[[w:Adam Philipson|Adam Philipson]] as Danny
*[[w:Eric Edwards|Eric Edwards]] as Harold
*[[w:Carolyn Lowery|Carolyn Lowery]] as Stacey
*[[w:Barbara Alston|Barbara Alston]]as Henrietta Mosely
*[[w:Sarina C. Grant|Sarina C. Grant]] as Kitty Culver

==Taglines==
* You don't have to believe... just beware.
* Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman... Don't Say Again!
* From the chilling imagination of Clive Barker.

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0103919}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman|title=Candyman}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Illinois]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Candyman (1992 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992 American slasher horror film]] about Helen Lyle, a [[w:Chicago University|Chicago University]] grad student who investigates The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Bernard Rose|Bernard Rose]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].''
{{center|'''We dare you to say his name five times!''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Helen Lyle==
* [''A supernatural Helen appears behind Trevor''] What's the matter, Trevor? Scared of something? [''Proceeds to slash Trevor with a Candyman hook'']
* [''Convincing Bernadette to visit the [[w:Cabrini–Green Homes|Cabrini-Green projects]]''] Okay, let's just turn around then. Let's just go back, and we can write a nice little, boring thesis regurgitating all the usual crap about urban legend. We've got a real shot here, Bernadette. An entire community starts attributing the daily horrors of their lives to a mythical figure.
* '''YOU LIED TO ME!'''
* [''Reading graffiti aloud''] Sweets... to... the sweet?
* [''To Orderly leaving with her strapped to hospital bed''] Where are you going?! No, you can't leave me here! I can't defend myself!

==Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh==
* [''To Helen knocking mirror out of medicine cabinet''] Helen, be careful! The could be somebody on the toilet!

==Trevor Lyle==
* [''Giving a University lecture''] Now, why would Danny and Diane both be suffering from the same delusion in two cities over 1,000 miles apart? Let's face it, folks. There are no alligators in the sewers. No, it's... It's around the campfire. It's bedtime stories. See, these stories are modern oral folklore. They are the unselfconscious reflection of the fears of urban society.

==Candyman==
* [''Narrating over swarm of bees''] They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What's blood for if not for shedding? With my hook for a hand, I'll split you from your groin to your gullet. I came for you.
* [''To Helen''] I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom. Without these things, I am nothing. So now, I must shed innocent blood. Come with me.
* [''Dancing with Helen''] The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite. As for our deaths, there is nothing to fear. Our names will be written on a thousand walls. Our crimes told and retold by our faithful believers. We shall die together in front of their very eyes and give them something to be haunted by. Come with me and be immortal. [''Candyman opens jacket to reveal a hollow chest and a mouth full of bees'']
* [''To Helen seeing herself in a wall drawing''] It was always you, Helen. It was always you.
* [''Showing her the hook on his bloody stump''] Be my victim. Be my victim.
* [''To Helen over wanting to live''] Why do you want to live? If you had learned just a little from me, you would not beg to live. I am rumor. It is a blessed condition, believe me. To be whispered about at street corners. To live in other people's dreams, but not to have to be. Do you understand?
* [''To Helen that her death will be a tale to frighten children''] Your death will be a tale to frighten children, to make lovers cling closer in their rapture. Come with me, and be immortal.
* [''Walking up to Helen as she remains hypnotized by him''] You were not content with the stories, so I was obliged to come.
* ''COME BACK TO ME, HELEN! COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK!''

==Monica==
* This is the scariest story I ever heard and it's totally true. It happened a few years ago near [[w:Moses Lake|Moses Lake]] in [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]. Clara was babysitting for the Johnsons, and, uh... Billy pulls up on his motorcycle. She wasn't even going out with Billy, she was actually going out with Michael for about six months. But, um... she always kind of had the hots for Billy, 'cause he was like a bad boy. And Michael was... he was just so nice. So anyway, she decides that tonight's the night, that she's going to give Billy what she never gave to Michael.

==Professor Philip Purcell==
* [''Reciting to Helen and colleagues the legend of Candyman in a restaurant''] The legend first appeared in 1890. Candyman was the son of a slave. His father had amassed a considerable fortune from designing a device for the mass producing of shoes after the Civil War. Candyman had been sent to all the best schools and had grown up in polite society. He had a prodigious talent as an artist and was much sought after when it came to the documenting of one's wealth and position in society in a portrait. Well, it was in this latter capacity, that he was commissioned by a wealthy landowner to capture his daughter's virginal beauty. Well, of course, they fell deeply in love and she became pregnant. Hmm... poor Candyman. Her father executed a terrible revenge. He paid a pack of brutal hooligans to do the deed. They chased Candyman through the town to Cabrini Green, where they proceeded to saw off his right hand with a rusty blade. And no one came to his aid. For this was just the beginning of his ordeal. Nearby there was an apiary. Dozens of hives, filled with hungry bees. They smashed the hive and stole the honeycomb and smeared it over his prone, naked body. Candyman was stung to death by the bees. They burned his body on a giant pyre and then scattered his ashes over Cabrini Green.

==Jake==
* [''Referring to a Candyman's victim boy [[w:castration|whose crotch was hacked off]] by the Candyman''] They found 'it' floating in the toilet... can't fix that, you're better off dead.

==Anne-Marie McCoy==
* You say you're doing a study? What 'you gonna study? How we're bad? We steal? We gang-bang? We're ALL on drugs right?... We ain't all like them assholes downstairs, you know. I just wanna raise my child good.

==Clara==
* [''Reciting Candyman with Billy who is touches her body from behind then turns around to face Billy''] No one ever got past four.

==Faux Candyman Gang Leader==
* [''To Helen in haunted washroom''] I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. [''Holds Helen by her neck''] Well, you found him! [''Swings the back of his hook across her face'']

==Dialogue==
:'''Candyman: [''Helen sees Candyman for the first time''] Helen.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yes?
:'''Candyman: Helen...
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Sees Candyman in the distance''] Who is that? Who is that?
:'''Candyman: Helen... I came for you.

----
:'''Clara: [''Asking Billy if he's ever heard of Candyman''] Have you ever heard of Candyman?
:'''Billy: No.
:'''Clara: Well, his right hand is sawn off, and he has a hook jammed in the bloody stump. And if you look in the mirror... and you say his name five times... he'll appear behind you, breathing down your neck. You want to try it?

----
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Talking to boy Jake about Candyman''] You know, it's okay to talk to me, Jake... because I'm not a cop so nobody's going to get in trouble.
:'''Jake: I can't say nothing or Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle: Candyman, huh? You scared of him?
:'''Jake: I ain't scared of nobody but you're crazy walking in here on your own. It ain't safe around here.
:'''Helen Lyle: Yeah, I know. But I don't scare too easy either, Jake.

----
:'''Monica''': She looked in the mirror, and I don't know why, but she said his name the last time.
:'''Clara''': Candyman.
:'''Monica''':  She turned out the lights... and what he saw turned his hair white from shock. Killed her. Split her open with his hook, and then killed the baby, too. And Billy got away but soon after, he went crazy.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': You want to know about Ruthie Jean? They all been here, you know? Newspapers, cops, case workers... they all want to know. I heard her screaming. I heard right through the walls. I dialed 911. Nobody came. Nobody came. Everybody scared. He could come right through these walls, you know? I'm scared. Scared for my child. They ain't never gonna catch him.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Who?
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': Candyman.

----
:'''Candyman''': Do you believe in me?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Keep away from me!
:'''Candyman''': I have the child. Allow me to take you or he will die in your place. Your disbelief destroyed the faith of my congregation. Without them, I am nothing, so I was obliged to come. And now I must kill you.

----
:'''Candyman''': [''Hovering over Helen lying strapped down on hospital bed''] What do the good know except what the bad teach them by their excesses?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer.
:'''Candyman''': Allow me at least a kiss. Just one exquisite kiss.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Murderer! Help! Listen, he's under the bed! Listen, he's here. He's under the bed!

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Unstrapped from hospital bed by Orderly''] I'd like to speak to my husband.
:'''Orderly''': [''Chuckles''] So would I.
:'''Helen Lyle''': What time is it? Where are we going?
:'''Orderly''': We're going to [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]].

----
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub, and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean. And she heard this banging and smashing like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So Ruthie called 911, and she said, 'There's somebody coming through the walls.' And they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Hm-mmm. So then she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No. Um... she was killed with a hook.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': [''Makes a slice sound''] It's true. Yeah it is. I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but, uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Sits up from the chair to leave'']

----
:[''Helen shows Bernadette a newspaper article of the Candyman murders'']
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Helen, this is sick. This isn't one of your fairy tales. The woman got killed here!
:'''Helen Lyle''': That's not the half of it.

----
:[''Helen and Bernadette are driving into the Cabrini-Green projects to investigate the Candyman murders'']
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Sees a Taser in Bernadette's purse''] What's with the arsenal, Bernadette? We're only going eight blocks.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': You're the one who got us dressed up like cops.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I said just dress up conservatively.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': Yeah, well we look like cops.

----
:'''Jake''': Candyman will get me.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Candyman isn't real. He's just a story. You know, like Dracula. Or... Or Frankenstein. A bad man took his name so that he could scare us. But now that's he's locked up everything's going to be okay.

----
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh: I'm sure we're going to have something for you in a week or so, but we only went to Cabrini today and...
:'''Professor Philip Purcell: [''Unnecessarily loud''] ''AH! CABRINI GREEN!'' Candyman country...

----
:'''Student: So, uh, what's the deal? You guys doing a page on serial killers or something?
:'''Helen Lyle: [''Lights a cigarette''] Something like that.

----
:'''Anne-Marie McCoy''': [[w:White people|White people]] never come 'round here except to cause us a problem.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Believe me, that's not what we want to do.

----
:'''Detective''': [''Disgustedly''] Where's the baby?
:'''Helen Lyle''': ...I don't know.
:'''Detective''': You're sick.

----
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Can I clean your room?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Oh, yeah, sure. Don't mind me. [''Continues typing out taped interview about the legend of Candyman'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Candyman, huh? You doing a study on him?
:'''Helen Lyle''': Yes. What do you know about him?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Everybody scared of him once it get dark. He over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Cabrini Green?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Yeah, over in the projects. My friend lives over in Cabrini.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Can I speak to your friend?
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Sure. [''Peers into the hallway''] Kitty?
:'''Kitty Culver: Yeah, what do you want?
:'''Helen Lyle''': The lady in here wanna talk to you. [''Kitty puts mop down and walks over'']
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': She coming.
:'''Helen Lyle''': I'm Helen Lyle.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm Henrietta Mosely and this is Kitty Culver. Go on, tell her what you told me about Candyman.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Well, all I know is there was some lady in a tub and she heard a noise.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Do you remember her name?
:'''Kitty Culver''': I think her name was Ruthie Jean and she heard this banging and smashing, like somebody was trying to make a hole in the wall. So, Ruthie called 911 and said that there's somebody coming through the walls, and they didn't believe her.
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': They thought the lady was crazy, right?
:'''Kitty Culver''': Mm-hmm. So, she called 911 again and they still didn't believe her. But when they finally got there, she was dead.
:'''Helen Lyle''': Was she shot?
:'''Kitty Culver''': No, um... she was killed with a hook. *Imitates slashing noise*
:'''Henrietta Mosely''': It's true. Yeah, it is, I read it in the papers. Candyman killed her.
:'''Kitty Culver''': Yeah, but uh... I don't know nothing about that. [''Looks at Henrietta and gets up out of chair'']

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': What's the problem?
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': [''Annoyedly''] A woman died in there leave it.

----
:'''Helen Lyle''': [''Climbs out of wall hole''] Bernadette I ran out of film we gotta go back.
:'''Bernadette 'Bernie' Walsh''': No way! ''NO WAY HELEN WE'RE LEAVING!''

==Cast==
*[[w:Virginia Madsen|Virginia Madsen]] as Helen Lyle
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as The Candyman
*[[w:Xander Berkeley|Xander Berkeley]] as Trevor Lyle
*[[w:Kasi Lemmons|Kasi Lemmons]] as Bernadette Walsh
*[[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]] as Anne-Marie McCoy
*[[w:DeJuan Guy|DeJuan Guy]]as Jake
*[[w:Marianna Elliott|Marianna Elliott]] as Clara
*[[w:Ted Raimi|Ted Raimi]] as Billy
*[[w:Ria Pavia|Ria Pavia]] as Monica
*[[w:Mark Daniels|Mark Daniels]] as Student
*[[w:Lisa Ann Poggi|Lisa Ann Poggi]] as Diane
*[[w:Adam Philipson|Adam Philipson]] as Danny
*[[w:Eric Edwards|Eric Edwards]] as Harold
*[[w:Carolyn Lowery|Carolyn Lowery]] as Stacey
*[[w:Barbara Alston|Barbara Alston]]as Henrietta Mosely
*[[w:Sarina C. Grant|Sarina C. Grant]] as Kitty Culver

==Taglines==
* You don't have to believe... just beware.
* Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman... Don't Say Again!
* From the chilling imagination of Clive Barker.

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0103919}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman|title=Candyman}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Illinois]]</text>
      <sha1>fvlp84nheayq8ciha61j5q9suuxn229</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Category:Round the Twist seasons</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>281018</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607494</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:17:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[Category:Round the Twist|Seasons]] [[Category:Australian television seasons by series]]&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607494</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="89" sha1="031tpqivsdsqyqm7v931twx4klcglkc" xml:space="preserve">[[Category:Round the Twist|Seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons by series]]</text>
      <sha1>031tpqivsdsqyqm7v931twx4klcglkc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Judy Thongori</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281019</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607496</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:21:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created a page #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607496</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="756" sha1="2i1cpwkhhkxn8vlui2537kn22q3ct4o" xml:space="preserve">Judy Thongori (born ) is a Kenyan lawyer and rights activist. She is a women's rights activist and she successfully sued the Kenyan government for not delivering 30% representation for women.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot;Society, sadly, made me feel that to be professionally successful, I had to be unattached. A pregnant or breastfeeding professional looked untidy.&quot;

** &quot;I recommend to employers to give space to families in their organisations. Let us hang photos of our loved ones in the offices as they energise us and we feel that our employer cares.&quot;


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>2i1cpwkhhkxn8vlui2537kn22q3ct4o</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607497</id>
      <parentid>3607496</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:22:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Edited a quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607497</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="762" sha1="94l8hgr5dbkrzifz0b4kx2th2hkucxg" xml:space="preserve">Judy Thongori (born ) is a Kenyan lawyer and rights activist. She is a women's rights activist and she successfully sued the Kenyan government for not delivering 30% representation for women.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;Society, sadly, made me feel that to be professionally successful, I had to be unattached. A pregnant or breastfeeding professional looked untidy.&quot;

** ** &quot;I recommend to employers to give space to families in their organisations. Let us hang photos of our loved ones in the offices as they energise us and we feel that our employer cares.&quot;


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
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[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>94l8hgr5dbkrzifz0b4kx2th2hkucxg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607498</id>
      <parentid>3607497</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:25:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Edited a source #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607498</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="872" sha1="f39rjw4ilkbbcpvvtyffoxddtoddf92" xml:space="preserve">Judy Thongori (born ) is a Kenyan lawyer and rights activist. She is a women's rights activist and she successfully sued the Kenyan government for not delivering 30% representation for women.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;Society, sadly, made me feel that to be professionally successful, I had to be unattached. A pregnant or breastfeeding professional looked untidy.&quot;

** ** &quot;I recommend to employers to give space to families in their organisations. Let us hang photos of our loved ones in the offices as they energise us and we feel that our employer cares.&quot;
https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/the-standard/article/2000012535/judy-thongori-i-derive-energy-from-my-husband


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Round the Twist (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281020</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607499</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:27:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{tv-cleanup}} {{italic title}} '''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]] ---------------- The following is a list of quotes from the second season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.  ==Next Time Around==  ==Copy Cat==  ==Little Squirt==  ==Pink Bow Tie==  ==Nails==  ==Sloppy Jalopy==  ==Smelly Feat==  ==Grandad's Gifts==  ==Ice Maiden=...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607499</origin>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="676" sha1="0eg2fjndcr6hr7l7yi6rfc9tqwoa6fz" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==Next Time Around==

==Copy Cat==

==Little Squirt==

==Pink Bow Tie==

==Nails==

==Sloppy Jalopy==

==Smelly Feat==

==Grandad's Gifts==

==Ice Maiden==

==Yuckles==

==Quivering Heap==

==Little Black Balls==

==Seeing The Light==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>0eg2fjndcr6hr7l7yi6rfc9tqwoa6fz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Candyman (1995 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281021</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607500</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:32:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Candyman (1995 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 American slasher horror film]] about the Caroline and Heyward Sullivan whose family was shattered by The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend. :''Directed by [[w:Bill Condon|Bill Condon]] and written by [[w:Rand Ravich|Rand Ravich]], [[w:Mark Kruger|Mark Kruger]] and [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].'' {{center|'''Evil comes when you call his n...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607500</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3030" sha1="ev1l6g653rz5g9so2dnb5nr897oolnr" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman (1995 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 American slasher horror film]] about the Caroline and Heyward Sullivan whose family was shattered by The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Bill Condon|Bill Condon]] and written by [[w:Rand Ravich|Rand Ravich]], [[w:Mark Kruger|Mark Kruger]] and [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].''
{{center|'''Evil comes when you call his name.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Candyman==
* Swallow your horror and let it nourish you. Come with me and sing the song of misery. Share my world!
* I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom.
* Be my witness. See how I became the reflection of their hatred, their evil. See what it means to call me to by that name.

==Phillip Purcell==
* I believe in the myth. But the fact, the flesh and blood, no. I'm afraid not.

==Detective Ray Levesque==
* Whatever two can do, eh?

==Ethan Tarrant==
* You're next, Purcell! Groin to gullet!

==Octavia Tarrant==
* I'd like a winter funeral.

==Matthew Ellis==
* He lives in the mirror. That's how he gets you.

==Honore Thibideaux==
* Break the mirror, break the curse.

==Dialogue==
:'''Octavia Tarrant''': Death is a return, you know. We leave life just like we came in.
:'''Annie Tarrant''': Alone?
:'''Octavia Tarrant''': Naked, blind, and covered in our own shit.

==Cast==
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as Candyman / Daniel Robitaille
*[[w:Caroline Barclay|Caroline Barclay]] as Caroline Sullivan
*[[w:Randy Oglesby|Randy Oglesby]] as Heyward Sullivan
*[[w:Michael Bergeron|Michael Bergeron]] as Coleman Tarrant
*[[w:Brianna Blanchard|Brianna Blanchard]] as Young Caroline
*[[w:Clotiel Bordeltier|Clotiel Bordeltier]] as Liz
*[[w:Russell Buchanan|Russell Buchanan]] as Kingfisher (voice)
*[[w:Timothy Carhart|Timothy Carhart]] as Paul McKeever
*[[w:Veronica Cartwright|Veronica Cartwright]] as Octavia Tarrant
*[[w:Matt Clark|Matt Clark]] as Honore Thibideaux
*[[w:Michael Culkin|Michael Culkin]] as Phillip Purcell
*[[w:David Gianopoulos|David Gianopoulos]] as Detective Ray Levesque
*[[w:Glen Gomez|Glen Gomez]] as Kingfish
*[[w:Fay Hauser|Fay Hauser]] as Pam Carver
*[[w:Margaret Howell|Margaret Howell]] as Clara
*[[w:Ralph Joseph|Ralph Joseph]] as Mr. Jeffries
*[[w:George Lemore|George Lemore]] as Drew
*[[w:Joshua Gibran Mayweather|Joshua Gibran Mayweather]] as Matthew
*[[w:Bill Nunn|Bill Nunn]] as Reverend Ellis
*[[w:William O'Leary|William O'Leary]] as Ethan Tarrant
*[[w:Kelly Rowan|Kelly Rowan]] as Annie Tarrant

==Taglines==
* Dare you say his name 5 times...again!

==External links==
*{{IMdb title|id=0112625}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman_farewell_to_the_flesh|title=Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh}}

[[Category:1995 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in New Orleans]]
[[Category:Films set in Louisiana]]</text>
      <sha1>ev1l6g653rz5g9so2dnb5nr897oolnr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607501</id>
      <parentid>3607500</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:33:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
      </contributor>
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      <text bytes="3053" sha1="rblj8u033swy17l5yeq92t6qzzy9oas" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman (1995 film)|Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 American slasher horror film]] about the Caroline and Heyward Sullivan whose family was shattered by The Candyman murders for a thesis only to be immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Bill Condon|Bill Condon]] and written by [[w:Rand Ravich|Rand Ravich]], [[w:Mark Kruger|Mark Kruger]] and [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]].''
{{center|'''Evil comes when you call his name.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Candyman==
* Swallow your horror and let it nourish you. Come with me and sing the song of misery. Share my world!
* I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom.
* Be my witness. See how I became the reflection of their hatred, their evil. See what it means to call me to by that name.

==Phillip Purcell==
* I believe in the myth. But the fact, the flesh and blood, no. I'm afraid not.

==Detective Ray Levesque==
* Whatever two can do, eh?

==Ethan Tarrant==
* You're next, Purcell! Groin to gullet!

==Octavia Tarrant==
* I'd like a winter funeral.

==Matthew Ellis==
* He lives in the mirror. That's how he gets you.

==Honore Thibideaux==
* Break the mirror, break the curse.

==Dialogue==
:'''Octavia Tarrant''': Death is a return, you know. We leave life just like we came in.
:'''Annie Tarrant''': Alone?
:'''Octavia Tarrant''': Naked, blind, and covered in our own shit.

==Cast==
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as Candyman / Daniel Robitaille
*[[w:Caroline Barclay|Caroline Barclay]] as Caroline Sullivan
*[[w:Randy Oglesby|Randy Oglesby]] as Heyward Sullivan
*[[w:Michael Bergeron|Michael Bergeron]] as Coleman Tarrant
*[[w:Brianna Blanchard|Brianna Blanchard]] as Young Caroline
*[[w:Clotiel Bordeltier|Clotiel Bordeltier]] as Liz
*[[w:Russell Buchanan|Russell Buchanan]] as Kingfisher (voice)
*[[w:Timothy Carhart|Timothy Carhart]] as Paul McKeever
*[[w:Veronica Cartwright|Veronica Cartwright]] as Octavia Tarrant
*[[w:Matt Clark|Matt Clark]] as Honore Thibideaux
*[[w:Michael Culkin|Michael Culkin]] as Phillip Purcell
*[[w:David Gianopoulos|David Gianopoulos]] as Detective Ray Levesque
*[[w:Glen Gomez|Glen Gomez]] as Kingfish
*[[w:Fay Hauser|Fay Hauser]] as Pam Carver
*[[w:Margaret Howell|Margaret Howell]] as Clara
*[[w:Ralph Joseph|Ralph Joseph]] as Mr. Jeffries
*[[w:George Lemore|George Lemore]] as Drew
*[[w:Joshua Gibran Mayweather|Joshua Gibran Mayweather]] as Matthew
*[[w:Bill Nunn|Bill Nunn]] as Reverend Ellis
*[[w:William O'Leary|William O'Leary]] as Ethan Tarrant
*[[w:Kelly Rowan|Kelly Rowan]] as Annie Tarrant

==Taglines==
* Dare you say his name 5 times...again!

==External links==
*{{IMdb title|id=0112625}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman_farewell_to_the_flesh|title=Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh}}

[[Category:1995 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in New Orleans]]
[[Category:Films set in Louisiana]]</text>
      <sha1>rblj8u033swy17l5yeq92t6qzzy9oas</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Category:Round the Twist</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>281022</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607502</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:35:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;[[Category:Australian Broadcasting Corporation shows]]&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607502</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="54" sha1="it3ae9hrapn1rk5frvvskgi9hfkp6l0" xml:space="preserve">[[Category:Australian Broadcasting Corporation shows]]</text>
      <sha1>it3ae9hrapn1rk5frvvskgi9hfkp6l0</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Jackline Maranga</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281023</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607504</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:40:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created a page #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607504</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="938" sha1="63govkzwu10zod92gte0w4sclfx5av0" xml:space="preserve">Jackline Maranga (born 16 December 1977, in Nyanturago, Kisii) is a retired Kenyan middle-distance runner. She won a silver medal at the World Junior Championships at the age of 15, and also won silver medals in the two following Championships, being the only athlete to do so.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot;Discipline among women is not up to the required standards, she says. The high turnover of women athletes is because they end up in marriage with non-athletes.&quot;
** &quot;In most cases, those married to non-athletes find it hard to balance family obligations with the rigorous athletics demands. They must lose one, and in most cases it is their athletics career.”

https://worldathletics.org/news/news/a-kenyan-xc-legend-jackline-maranga

&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>63govkzwu10zod92gte0w4sclfx5av0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607505</id>
      <parentid>3607504</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:41:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Edited a quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607505</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="944" sha1="1ceufle2cwtt9tcz4q0va6vgutavf9g" xml:space="preserve">Jackline Maranga (born 16 December 1977, in Nyanturago, Kisii) is a retired Kenyan middle-distance runner. She won a silver medal at the World Junior Championships at the age of 15, and also won silver medals in the two following Championships, being the only athlete to do so.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;Discipline among women is not up to the required standards, she says. The high turnover of women athletes is because they end up in marriage with non-athletes.&quot;
** ** &quot;In most cases, those married to non-athletes find it hard to balance family obligations with the rigorous athletics demands. They must lose one, and in most cases it is their athletics career.”

https://worldathletics.org/news/news/a-kenyan-xc-legend-jackline-maranga

&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
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      <sha1>1ceufle2cwtt9tcz4q0va6vgutavf9g</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Round the Twist (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281024</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607506</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:43:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{tv-cleanup}} {{italic title}} '''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]] ---------------- The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.  ==The Big Burp==  ==Viking Book of Love==  ==Whirling Derfish==  ==IMU UMI==  ==Truth Hits Everybody==  ==The Nirandathal Beast==  ==Mali-Boo==  ==Brainles...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607506</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="714" sha1="8m3e61y20nmramdcq5n0qye3tmw7jgz" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==The Big Burp==

==Viking Book of Love==

==Whirling Derfish==

==IMU UMI==

==Truth Hits Everybody==

==The Nirandathal Beast==

==Mali-Boo==

==Brainless==

==Toy Love==

==Tears Of Innocence==

==The Ice Cream Man Cometh==

==If The Walls Could Talk==

==The Big Rock==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>8m3e61y20nmramdcq5n0qye3tmw7jgz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607507</id>
      <parentid>3607506</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:44:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Toy Love */</comment>
      <origin>3607507</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="738" sha1="fbqmui1evhrr4onnixdmvythck9odd8" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==The Big Burp==

==Viking Book of Love==

==Whirling Derfish==

==IMU UMI==

==Truth Hits Everybody==

==The Nirandathal Beast==

==Mali-Boo==

==Brainless==

==Toy Love==
:'''Doll''': Cuddle me!

==Tears Of Innocence==

==The Ice Cream Man Cometh==

==If The Walls Could Talk==

==The Big Rock==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>fbqmui1evhrr4onnixdmvythck9odd8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607519</id>
      <parentid>3607507</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:07:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Toy Love */</comment>
      <origin>3607519</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="801" sha1="asrwzi0qt7otwpj19j8yrkf6moft4ja" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==The Big Burp==

==Viking Book of Love==

==Whirling Derfish==

==IMU UMI==

==Truth Hits Everybody==

==The Nirandathal Beast==

==Mali-Boo==

==Brainless==

==Toy Love==
:'''Doll''': Cuddle me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Linda''': '''WHERE'S MY MICHAEL DOLL!'''

==Tears Of Innocence==

==The Ice Cream Man Cometh==

==If The Walls Could Talk==

==The Big Rock==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>asrwzi0qt7otwpj19j8yrkf6moft4ja</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607520</id>
      <parentid>3607519</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:09:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Toy Love */</comment>
      <origin>3607520</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="869" sha1="i1hotpx6zavoqh5wimdxyj3pdz3l8pv" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==The Big Burp==

==Viking Book of Love==

==Whirling Derfish==

==IMU UMI==

==Truth Hits Everybody==

==The Nirandathal Beast==

==Mali-Boo==

==Brainless==

==Toy Love==
:'''Doll''': Cuddle me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tony''': BRONSON WILL YOU COME DOWN HERE NOW!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Linda''': '''WHERE'S MY MICHAEL DOLL!'''

==Tears Of Innocence==

==The Ice Cream Man Cometh==

==If The Walls Could Talk==

==The Big Rock==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>i1hotpx6zavoqh5wimdxyj3pdz3l8pv</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Candyman (1999 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281025</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607509</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:47:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Candyman (1999 film)|Candyman: Day of the Dead]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 American slasher horror film]] about Caroline McKeever, an [[w:Los Angeles|L.A.]]-based artist who is the great-great granddaughter of The Candyman who visits to convince him to join his supernatural murder spree. :''Directed by [[w:Turi Meyer|Turi Meyer]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]] and [[w:Alfredo Septién|Alfredo Septién]].'' {{center|'''...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607509</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3830" sha1="sg7ef0ujg24l0zy5pxeaxz7e8q9yvsg" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman (1999 film)|Candyman: Day of the Dead]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 American slasher horror film]] about Caroline McKeever, an [[w:Los Angeles|L.A.]]-based artist who is the great-great granddaughter of The Candyman who visits to convince him to join his supernatural murder spree.
:''Directed by [[w:Turi Meyer|Turi Meyer]] and co-written with [[w:Clive Barker|Clive Barker]] and [[w:Alfredo Septién|Alfredo Septién]].''
{{center|'''Blood is sharper than the blade'''}}

==The Candyman==
* [''Repeated line''] Join me in Death!
* [''Repeated line''] Be my victim!

==David de La Paz==
* Now you know why we're not too friendly with the local cops?

==L.V. Sacco==
* Jeez, get yourself a sense of humor!

==Miguel Velasco==
* I'm sure you'll find some way to bust my balls!

==Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft==
* Take my shield for one little fuck up? [''Slams his locker door''] ''ONE LITTLE FUCK UP!'' [''Storms off Jamal Matthews listens close by shaking his head''] Well I'll show them, I'll show those fucks!

==Det. Jamal Matthews==
* [''Referring to Samuel''] Get his bigoted ass outta here!

==Dialogue==
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft: Go on Jamal... [[w:stereotypes of African-Americans|why don't you go shoot some hoops]]?
:'''Det. Jamal Matthews: What did you say?!

----
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft: You know we gave Miguel a hard time... but underneath it all we liked him!
:'''L.V. Sacco: Underneath it all... we liked him? What's that crock of shit?
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft: She's a material witness.
:'''L.V. Sacco: She's a piece of ass is what she is... next you'll be showing up at her door with a dozen roses.

----
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft''': Look at you... you disgust me! Making nice to the wetback?... After you cut him up?
:'''Caroline McKeever''': [''Protesting''] You don't understand
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft''': Oh I understand... I understand you're a twisted little bitch! [''Holds up a hook''] I'm gonna split you open from groin to gullet!
:'''Caroline McKeever''': Don't do this... it was The Candyman!
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft''': [''Examing at the hook''] I'm The Candyman!
:'''Det. Jamal Matthews''': [''Swings a punch at her only to be shoot by Jamal in the back/back of head''] Miss :'''McKeever? Miss McKeever?! Are you okay?!
:'''Lt. Det. Samuel Deacon Kraft''': [''Dying line as Jamal kicks away the hook''] Ca... ndy... Man...

----
:'''L.V. Sacco''': [''over the phone''] What's the matter, didn't she like the roses?
:'''Samuel Kraft''': [''Secretly dumps said roses out onto the street''] You go to hell Sacco!

==Cast==
*[[w:Donna D'Errico|Donna D'Errico]] as Caroline McKeever
*[[w:Tony Todd|Tony Todd]] as Candyman / Daniel Robitaille
*[[w:Alexia Robinson|Alexia Robinson]] as Tamara
*[[w:Leonardo Guerra|Leonardo Guerra]] as Little Boy
*[[w:Mike Moroff|Mike Moroff]] as Tino
*[[w:Mark Adair-Rios|Mark Adair-Rios]] as Miguel Velasco
*[[w:Wade Williams|Wade Andrew Williams]] as Samuel Kraft 
*[[w:Robert O'Reilly|Robert O'Reilly]] as L.V. Sacco
*[[w:Chris Van Dahl|Chris Van Dahl]] as Dante
*[[w:Rena Riffel|Rena Riffel]] as Lina
*[[w:Laura Mazur|Laura Mazur]] as Caroline Sullivan
*[[w:Jsu Garcia|Nick Corri Jsu Garcia]] as David de la Paz
*[[w:Ernie Hudson Jr.|Ernie Hudson Jr.]] as Jamal Matthews
*[[w:Elizabeth Guber|Elizabeth Guber]] as Jamie Gold
*[[w:Elizabeth Hayes|Elizabeth Hayes]] as Annie Tarrant

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=0103919}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman_farewell_to_the_flesh|title=Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh}}

[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]
[[Category:Films set in California]]</text>
      <sha1>sg7ef0ujg24l0zy5pxeaxz7e8q9yvsg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Round the Twist (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281026</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607510</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:58:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:8003:DD49:F700:C546:4DF4:91AF:C471</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{tv-cleanup}} {{italic title}} '''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]] ---------------- The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.  ==Welcome Back==  ==Monster Under The Bed==  ==Linda Godiva==  ==Dog By Night==  ==TV Or Not TV==  ==Face The Fear==  ==Hair Brain==  ==The Princess And T...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607510</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="697" sha1="i951josn81xzdghq39bzluu3rsrhdyl" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==Welcome Back==

==Monster Under The Bed==

==Linda Godiva==

==Dog By Night==

==TV Or Not TV==

==Face The Fear==

==Hair Brain==

==The Princess And The Pete==

==Bird Boy==

==The Shadow Player==

==Radio Da Da==

==Skunkman==

==The Isle Of Dreams==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>i951josn81xzdghq39bzluu3rsrhdyl</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607514</id>
      <parentid>3607510</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:03:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>124.187.225.152</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Face The Fear */</comment>
      <origin>3607514</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="785" sha1="nhe2ugxk0yekznoyr6knerwb4m1acmr" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup}}
{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[Round the Twist (season 1)|1]] / [[Round the Twist (season 2)|2]] / [[Round the Twist (season 3)|3]] / [[Round the Twist (season 4)|4]] | [[Round the Twist|Main]]
----------------
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of '''''[[Round the Twist]]'''''.

==Welcome Back==

==Monster Under The Bed==

==Linda Godiva==

==Dog By Night==

==TV Or Not TV==

==Face The Fear==
:'''Cornelius Crenshaw''': ''[voice-over]'' Do you mind, I’m trying to get some rest.

==Hair Brain==

==The Princess And The Pete==

==Bird Boy==

==The Shadow Player==

==Radio Da Da==

==Skunkman==

==The Isle Of Dreams==

==External links==
{{wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Round the Twist seasons]]
[[Category:Australian television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>nhe2ugxk0yekznoyr6knerwb4m1acmr</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Zain Verjee</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281027</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607511</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T09:59:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created a page #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607511</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="978" sha1="lqmltb889w5df4hpedcjn4bvbsypksg" xml:space="preserve">Zain Verjee (born February 11, 1974) is a Kenyan-born Canadian journalist based in Nairobi and the Los Angeles area. She is a former CNN anchor and correspondent.

== Quotes ==  
** &quot;A commitment to truth, tenacity and bold resolve in chasing the story is a must. Creativity and judgement is vital in crafting a narrative that is compelling, informative and educational. It is about shedding light, not about generating heat.

** &quot;The media world today is shifting fast. It’s very dynamic. Traditional media is under siege. Audiences are going to digital.

https://medium.com/@Zain_Verjee/my-graduation-speech-to-journalists-3fc0d764b820

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>lqmltb889w5df4hpedcjn4bvbsypksg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607512</id>
      <parentid>3607511</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:00:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Edited a quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607512</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="984" sha1="lcm2ogdjmvpfy8d2lu00pb76cjdxtd9" xml:space="preserve">Zain Verjee (born February 11, 1974) is a Kenyan-born Canadian journalist based in Nairobi and the Los Angeles area. She is a former CNN anchor and correspondent.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;A commitment to truth, tenacity and bold resolve in chasing the story is a must. Creativity and judgement is vital in crafting a narrative that is compelling, informative and educational. It is about shedding light, not about generating heat.

** ** &quot;The media world today is shifting fast. It’s very dynamic. Traditional media is under siege. Audiences are going to digital.

https://medium.com/@Zain_Verjee/my-graduation-speech-to-journalists-3fc0d764b820

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>lcm2ogdjmvpfy8d2lu00pb76cjdxtd9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3607515</id>
      <parentid>3607512</parentid>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:03:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Jullieward</username>
        <id>3198944</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Edited a quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607515</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="986" sha1="tinq8uh4hqh6tc92b59s5a06ww3mheb" xml:space="preserve">Zain Verjee (born February 11, 1974) is a Kenyan-born Canadian journalist based in Nairobi and the Los Angeles area. She is a former CNN anchor and correspondent.

== Quotes ==  
** ** &quot;A commitment to truth, tenacity and bold resolve in chasing the story is a must. Creativity and judgement is vital in crafting a narrative that is compelling, informative and educational. It is about shedding light, not about generating heat.&quot;

** ** &quot;The media world today is shifting fast. It’s very dynamic. Traditional media is under siege. Audiences are going to digital.&quot;

https://medium.com/@Zain_Verjee/my-graduation-speech-to-journalists-3fc0d764b820

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;
* [http://(address) Site description]
* [http://(address) Site description 2]


&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;
[[:Category:(Occupation)]]
[[:Category:(Nationality)]]
[[:Category:Living people]] (optional, only if the person is living)

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>tinq8uh4hqh6tc92b59s5a06ww3mheb</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Adelle Onyango</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281029</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607516</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:04:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mmaua1</username>
        <id>3154176</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>added a quote #Shesaid</comment>
      <origin>3607516</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="460" sha1="qaw31wa0wg6pwu3g5id65kv0e7cisyp" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Adelle Onyango |Adelle Onyango ]]''' (born 5 February 1989) is a Kenyan radio presenter, social activist and media personality.
{{activists-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

== Quotes ==  

**  Sometimes this industry can be lonely, having people who can hold your hands who have gone through that before.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMovcZU1Ftc Responding to her journey to stardom on 14th March 2022]

[[:Category:Living people]] 

[[Category:Templates]]</text>
      <sha1>qaw31wa0wg6pwu3g5id65kv0e7cisyp</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Candyman (2021 film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>281030</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3607517</id>
      <timestamp>2024-10-31T10:04:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Foetaldiner</username>
        <id>3198559</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Candyman (2021 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021 American slasher horror film]] about Anthony McCoy a professional artist who returns to the Cabrini-Green site only to find it abandoned and [[w:gentrification|gentrified]] and is then immersed in the supernatural legend. :''Directed by [[w:Nia DaCosta|Nia DaCosta]] and co-written with [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]] and [[w:Win Rosenfeld|Win Rosenfeld]].'' {{center|'''Say It.''}}...&quot;</comment>
      <origin>3607517</origin>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4034" sha1="e0j6doqp7nra1lv4skyyhe0yjdihjnn" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Candyman (2021 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021 American slasher horror film]] about Anthony McCoy a professional artist who returns to the Cabrini-Green site only to find it abandoned and [[w:gentrification|gentrified]] and is then immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Nia DaCosta|Nia DaCosta]] and co-written with [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]] and [[w:Win Rosenfeld|Win Rosenfeld]].''
{{center|'''Say It.''}}

==Anthony McCoy==
* But you know how it goes, They love what we make but not us. Candyman. The urban legend is, if you say his name five times while looking in the mirror, he appears in the reflection, and it kills you.

==Anthony McCoy/Candyman==
* Tell everyone.

==Troy Cartwright==
* Black people don't need to be summoning shit.
* Ain't a dick on the planet good enough to offset a demonology hobby.

==William Burke==
* [''On racial violence''] Candyman is a way to deal with the fact that these things happened to us, are still happening!
* Helen Lyle was out here looking for Candyman. You ask me, I'd say she found him.
* That was the first time that I saw fear.
* [''On Daniel Rotabille''] They chased him down till he finally collapsed from exhaustion, beat him, severed his right hand with rusty saw, smeared him with honey and let bees sting him, but that didn't kill him, only when they set him on fire did he finally die

==Brianna Cartwright==
* Candyman isn't real!

==Dialogue==
:'''Detective Lipez''': Who are you?
:'''Anthony McCoy''': I am the writing on the walls. I am the sweet smell of blood on the street. The buzz that echoes in the alleyways. They will say I shed innocent blood. You are far from innocent, but they will say you were. That's all that matters.

----
:'''William Burke''': This is where it all began, the story of Candyman. Local character, he'd walk around handing out candy to the neighborhood kids. One day, a couple of kids get razor blades in their candy. The police come around. That's when I saw the true face of fear. They beat him, tortured him, killed him, right there on the spot. A couple weeks later, more razor blades and more candy. He'd been innocent.
:'''Anthony McCoy''': So he's real?
:'''William Burke''': Candyman ain't a He. Candyman's the whole damn hive. If you're out here looking for Candyman, you ask me, stay away!

----
:'''Haley Gulick, Boof, Annika, Celine''': Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. [''No event'']
:'''Boof''': Well, we're still alive.

==Cast==
*[[w:Yahya Abdul-Mateen II|Yahya Abdul-Mateen II]] as Anthony McCoy
*[[w:Teyonah Parris|Teyonah Parris]] as Brianna Cartwright
*[[w:Nathan Stewart-Jarrett|Nathan Stewart-Jarrett]] as Troy Cartwright
*[[w:Colman Domingo|Colman Domingo]] as William Burke
*[[w:Kyle Kaminsky|Kyle Kaminsky]] as Grady Greenberg
*[[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]] as Anne-Marie McCoy
*[[w:Brian King|Brian King]] as Clive Privler
*[[w:Miriam Moss|Miriam Moss]] as Jerrica Cooper
*[[w:Rebecca Spence|Rebecca Spence]] as Finley Stephens
*[[w:Carl Clemons-Hopkins|Carl Clemons-Hopkin]] as Jameson
*[[w:Christiana Clark|Christiana Clark]] as Danielle Harrington
*[[w:Michael Hargrove|Michael Hargrove]] as Sherman Fields
*[[w:Rodney L Jones III|Rodney L. Jones III]] as Billy
*[[w:Heidi Grace Engerman|Heidi Grace Engerman]] as Haley
*[[w:Ireon Roach|Ireon Roach]] as Trina
*[[w:Breanna Lind|Breanna Lind]] as Annika
*[[w:Malic White|Malic White]] as Boof
*[[w:Sarah Wisterman|Sarah Wisterman]] as Celine
*[[w:Sarah Lo|Sarah Lo]] as Samantha
*[[w:Mark Montgomery|Mark Montgomery]] as Detective Lipez
*[[w:Torrey Hanson|Torrey Hanson]] as Jack Hyde

==Tagline==
* Dare to Say His Name.

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=9347730}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman_2021|title=Candyman}}

[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:2021 American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Illinois]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Candyman (2021 film)|Candyman]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021 American slasher horror film]] about Anthony McCoy a professional artist who returns to the Cabrini-Green site only to find it abandoned and [[w:gentrification|gentrified]] and is then immersed in the supernatural legend.
:''Directed by [[w:Nia DaCosta|Nia DaCosta]] and co-written with [[w:Jordan Peele|Jordan Peele]] and [[w:Win Rosenfeld|Win Rosenfeld]].''
{{center|'''Say It.'''}}

==Anthony McCoy==
* But you know how it goes, They love what we make but not us. Candyman. The urban legend is, if you say his name five times while looking in the mirror, he appears in the reflection, and it kills you.

==Anthony McCoy/Candyman==
* Tell everyone.

==Troy Cartwright==
* Black people don't need to be summoning shit.
* Ain't a dick on the planet good enough to offset a demonology hobby.

==William Burke==
* [''On racial violence''] Candyman is a way to deal with the fact that these things happened to us, are still happening!
* Helen Lyle was out here looking for Candyman. You ask me, I'd say she found him.
* That was the first time that I saw fear.
* [''On Daniel Rotabille''] They chased him down till he finally collapsed from exhaustion, beat him, severed his right hand with rusty saw, smeared him with honey and let bees sting him, but that didn't kill him, only when they set him on fire did he finally die

==Brianna Cartwright==
* Candyman isn't real!

==Dialogue==
:'''Detective Lipez''': Who are you?
:'''Anthony McCoy''': I am the writing on the walls. I am the sweet smell of blood on the street. The buzz that echoes in the alleyways. They will say I shed innocent blood. You are far from innocent, but they will say you were. That's all that matters.

----
:'''William Burke''': This is where it all began, the story of Candyman. Local character, he'd walk around handing out candy to the neighborhood kids. One day, a couple of kids get razor blades in their candy. The police come around. That's when I saw the true face of fear. They beat him, tortured him, killed him, right there on the spot. A couple weeks later, more razor blades and more candy. He'd been innocent.
:'''Anthony McCoy''': So he's real?
:'''William Burke''': Candyman ain't a He. Candyman's the whole damn hive. If you're out here looking for Candyman, you ask me, stay away!

----
:'''Haley Gulick, Boof, Annika, Celine''': Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. [''No event'']
:'''Boof''': Well, we're still alive.

==Cast==
*[[w:Yahya Abdul-Mateen II|Yahya Abdul-Mateen II]] as Anthony McCoy
*[[w:Teyonah Parris|Teyonah Parris]] as Brianna Cartwright
*[[w:Nathan Stewart-Jarrett|Nathan Stewart-Jarrett]] as Troy Cartwright
*[[w:Colman Domingo|Colman Domingo]] as William Burke
*[[w:Kyle Kaminsky|Kyle Kaminsky]] as Grady Greenberg
*[[w:Vanessa Williams|Vanessa Williams]] as Anne-Marie McCoy
*[[w:Brian King|Brian King]] as Clive Privler
*[[w:Miriam Moss|Miriam Moss]] as Jerrica Cooper
*[[w:Rebecca Spence|Rebecca Spence]] as Finley Stephens
*[[w:Carl Clemons-Hopkins|Carl Clemons-Hopkin]] as Jameson
*[[w:Christiana Clark|Christiana Clark]] as Danielle Harrington
*[[w:Michael Hargrove|Michael Hargrove]] as Sherman Fields
*[[w:Rodney L Jones III|Rodney L. Jones III]] as Billy
*[[w:Heidi Grace Engerman|Heidi Grace Engerman]] as Haley
*[[w:Ireon Roach|Ireon Roach]] as Trina
*[[w:Breanna Lind|Breanna Lind]] as Annika
*[[w:Malic White|Malic White]] as Boof
*[[w:Sarah Wisterman|Sarah Wisterman]] as Celine
*[[w:Sarah Lo|Sarah Lo]] as Samantha
*[[w:Mark Montgomery|Mark Montgomery]] as Detective Lipez
*[[w:Torrey Hanson|Torrey Hanson]] as Jack Hyde

==Tagline==
* Dare to Say His Name.

==External links==
*{{IMDb title|id=9347730}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=candyman_2021|title=Candyman}}

[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:2021 American films]]
[[Category:Horror films]]
[[Category:Serial killer films]]
[[Category:Slasher films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Films set in Illinois]]</text>
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    <title>Vilma Achieng</title>
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      <text bytes="498" sha1="mzkl0kv6b7sryuwlipasjcqfsvitxad" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Vilma Achieng Owino |Vilma Achieng Owino ]]''' (born August 18, 1993) is a Kenyan basketball player. 
{{sports-stub}}
{{women-stub}}
== Quotes ==  

** &quot;Our main focus is competing better than our predessors&quot;.
** [https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/sports/basketball/2001423591/vilma-achieng-ready-to-help-kenya-write-own-history-at-womens-afrobasket The Standard on 6th April 2021 at Afrobasket in Cameroon].


== External links== 
{{wikipedia}} &lt;!-- OPTIONAL --&gt;


[[:Category:Living people]]</text>
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    <title>Elisabeth Valerio</title>
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[[W:Elisabeth Isabel Valerio|Elisabeth Isabel Valerio]] was born in Masvingo, Zimbabwe, and grew up in Hwange, Matabeleland North Province.  Much of her childhood in the mid-1970s was spent at her parents' grocery store in the Machipisa Shopping Center in Highfield. She  attended the University of California, Los Angeles. Valerio is a Zimbabwean businesswoman and politician, leading the United Zimbabwe Alliance (UZA). In the 2023 Zimbabwean general election, she stood as the only female presidential candidate.


==Quotes==

* I am Elisabeth Valerio, a businesswoman, scientist, conservationist, and the leader of the United Zimbabwe Alliance (UZA) a political party dedicated to uniting Zimbabweans and fostering a prosperous, sustainable future for our nation. With a background as a global advocate for diversity, education, and African economic development, I am deeply honored to represent UZA as a presidential candidate in Zimbabwe's 2023 general elections.
* [https://www.herald.co.zw/uza-candidate-valerio-dreams-big/]


* This victory holds deep personal meaning for me, but it’s also a triumph for women. It reinforces my belief in the power of perseverance and the importance of standing up for what is right.
* [https://www.timeslive.co.za/news/africa/2023-07-20-victory-for-zimbabwes-only-female-candidate-in-the-presidential-race/]


* I seek nothing in politics beyond a better future for Zimbabwe. I have the financial resources and everything I need; there’s nothing that politics could offer me that I don’t already possess.
* [https://tellzim.com/i-am-not-after-polad-valerio/]


* People tell me I’m in this for reasons like joining POLAD or wanting cars, but I already have cars and houses. My motivation comes from dissatisfaction with the state of our country. I know people sacrificed their lives for a better Zimbabwe, yet true equality is still missing; only a few benefit while ordinary citizens continue to struggle.
* [https://tellzim.com/i-am-not-after-polad-valerio/]


* In our society, there's still a mindset or cultural view that doesn’t see women as leaders or believe a woman could lead Zimbabwe. However, the response I’ve been receiving during my tours across Zimbabwe has been different. Meeting people face to face, I’m hearing more voices saying it’s time for a woman to lead. So, I’d say the response is mixed but evolving.
* [https://tellzim.com/i-am-not-after-polad-valerio/]


== External Links==
[https://unitedzimbabwe.org/elisabeth-valerio Biography]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Valerio, Elisabeth}}
[[Category: births]]
[[Category:Candidates for President of Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Politicians from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Women from Zimbabwe]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:African women ]]</text>
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      <text bytes="179" sha1="ktxzewfsb8kdhibmr1x4840ax3r9ylt" xml:space="preserve">[[w:Temi Harriman|Temi Harriman]] (born 1 January 1963) is a Nigerian lawyer, politician, and was a member of the House of Representatives representing Warri Federal Constituency.</text>
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      <text bytes="193" sha1="2h3dfeovru0viy8eo94d1c3rh3n61lq" xml:space="preserve">[[w:Temi Harriman|Temi Harriman]] (born 1 January 1963) is a Nigerian lawyer, politician, and was a member of the House of Representatives representing Warri Federal Constituency.

== Quotes ==</text>
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      <text bytes="837" sha1="h0peymozvcpue8z495kp7f59q42qgav" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Temi Harriman|Temi Harriman]]''' (born 1 January 1963) is a Nigerian lawyer, politician, and was a member of the House of Representatives representing Warri Federal Constituency.

== Quotes about Harriman ==
* MEMBER of the House of Representaives, Ms Temi Harriman has called on the Federal Government to widen its recent dialogue with Ijaw militant, Alhaji Asari Dokubo into a national conference involving all ethnic groups in the country.
* Harriman (PDP, Warri, Fed. Constituency, Delta) in a statement issued in Abuja yesterday said the urgency of a national conference had become imperative with the recent involvement of the presidency in brokering peace between the hitherto feuding Niger Delta Peoples Volunteer Force (NDPVF) and the Niger Delta Vigilante Force (NDVF).
** https://allafrica.com/stories/200410180814.html</text>
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      <text bytes="859" sha1="2812bf1nizx1r8ukdd1hnnot3g1t6i5" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Temi Harriman|Temi Harriman]]''' (born 1 January 1963) is a Nigerian lawyer, politician, and was a member of the House of Representatives representing Warri Federal Constituency.

== Quotes about Harriman ==
* MEMBER of the House of Representaives, Ms Temi Harriman has called on the Federal Government to widen its recent dialogue with Ijaw militant, Alhaji Asari Dokubo into a national conference involving all ethnic groups in the country.
* Harriman (PDP, Warri, Fed. Constituency, Delta) in a statement issued in Abuja yesterday said the urgency of a national conference had become imperative with the recent involvement of the presidency in brokering peace between the hitherto feuding Niger Delta Peoples Volunteer Force (NDPVF) and the Niger Delta Vigilante Force (NDVF).
** https://allafrica.com/stories/200410180814.html

== External links ==</text>
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      <text bytes="890" sha1="bredrng6jxc8jb3myp67c3bmbjzfbtg" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Temi Harriman|Temi Harriman]]''' (born 1 January 1963) is a Nigerian lawyer, politician, and was a member of the House of Representatives representing Warri Federal Constituency.

== Quotes about Harriman ==
* MEMBER of the House of Representaives, Ms Temi Harriman has called on the Federal Government to widen its recent dialogue with Ijaw militant, Alhaji Asari Dokubo into a national conference involving all ethnic groups in the country.
* Harriman (PDP, Warri, Fed. Constituency, Delta) in a statement issued in Abuja yesterday said the urgency of a national conference had become imperative with the recent involvement of the presidency in brokering peace between the hitherto feuding Niger Delta Peoples Volunteer Force (NDPVF) and the Niger Delta Vigilante Force (NDVF).
** https://allafrica.com/stories/200410180814.html

== External links ==
[[category:women politicians]]</text>
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    <title>Tina Gifty Mensah</title>
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[[File:TINA GIFTY NAA AYELEY MENSAH.jpg|TINA GIFTY MENSAH]]

'''Tina Gifty Mensah''' was born on 23rd January 1964. She is a [[Ghana|Ghanaian]] politician and the member of parliament for Weija-Gbawe constituency. She is a member of the New Patriotic Party and was appointed into office as deputy Health Minister by Nana Addo on 15 March 2017.

== Quotes ==
*</text>
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[[File:TINA GIFTY NAA AYELEY MENSAH.jpg|thumb|TINA GIFTY MENSAH]]

'''Tina Gifty Mensah''' was born on 23rd January 1964. She is a [[Ghana|Ghanaian]] politician and the member of parliament for Weija-Gbawe constituency. She is a member of the New Patriotic Party and was appointed into office as deputy Health Minister by Nana Addo on 15 March 2017.

== Quotes ==
*</text>
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[[File:TINA GIFTY NAA AYELEY MENSAH.jpg|thumb|TINA GIFTY MENSAH]]

'''Tina Gifty Mensah''' was born on 23rd January 1964. She is a [[Ghana|Ghanaian]] politician and the member of parliament for Weija-Gbawe constituency. She is a member of the New Patriotic Party and was appointed into office as deputy Health Minister by Nana Addo on 15 March 2017.

== Quotes ==
* The aged in society remain susceptible to the new wave of COVID-19 infections.
** [https://www.peacefmonline.com/pages/local/health/202011/433295.php?storyid=100&amp;/]
** The government had done its part to control the spread of the pandemic in the country, it behoved the citizenry to continue wearing their nose masks in public places, wash their hands with soap under running water and avoid handshake.
** [https://www.peacefmonline.com/pages/local/health/202011/433295.php?storyid=100&amp;/]
* The pandemic was re-surfacing in the country, and urged particularly the aged to strictly adhere to health safety guidelines to protect themselves and people around them from contracting the deadly virus.
** [https://www.peacefmonline.com/pages/local/health/202011/433295.php?storyid=100&amp;]
* Although young people had good immune systems to fight the disease, they could easily pass it on to their parents without showing any symptoms.
** [https://www.peacefmonline.com/pages/local/health/202011/433295.php?storyid=100&amp;]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Elizabeth Ngugi</title>
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'''Elizabeth Ngugi''' (died 2015) was a [[Kenya|Kenyan]] Professor of Community health at the [https://www.uonbi.ac.ke/ University of Nairobi] University of Nairobi, and a nurse by trade. Her major contributions to her university's program was her research and work with Prostitution in Kenya local prostitutes to prevent [[HIV/AIDS]] transmission.

==Quote==
*&quot;things are changing&quot; all over Africa, as people are &quot;feeling less helpless and ashamed&quot; about the disease, and communities are &quot;standing up to take their destinies in hand,&quot; an energy that, combined with developed world resources, could result in &quot;tremendous progress.&quot; The piece concludes: &quot;If it can happen in Majengo, it can happen anywhere.&quot;

**https://www.truthaboutnursing.org/news/2006/may/15_newsweek.html#gsc.tab=0


==References==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
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